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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Adventures Of A Suburbanite - -Author: Ellis Parker Butler - -Illustrator: A. B. Phelan - -Release Date: November 10, 2013 [EBook #44153] -Last Updated: March 11, 2018 - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ADVENTURES OF A SUBURBANITE *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger - - - - - - -THE ADVENTURES OF A SUBURBANITE - -By Ellis Parker Butler - -Illustrator: A. B. Phelan - -Garden City New York Doubleday, Page & Company - - -1911 - - - - - -I. THE PRAWLEYS - -ISOBEL was born in a flat, and that was no fault of her own; but she was -born in a flat, and reared in a flat, and married from a flat, and, for -two years after we were married, we lived in a flat; but I am not a born -flat-dweller myself, and as soon as possible I proposed that we move to -the country. Isobel hesitated, but she hesitated so weakly that on the -first of May we had bought the place at Westcote and moved into it. - -The very day I moved into my house Millington came over and said he was -glad some one had moved in, because the last man that had lived in the -house was afraid of automobiles, and would never take a spin with -him. He said he hoped I was not afraid; and when I said I was not, he -immediately proposed that we take a little spin out to Port Lafayette -as soon as I had my furniture straightened around. I thought it was very -nice and neighbourly and unusual for a man with an automobile to begin -an acquaintance that way; but I did not know Millington's automobile so -well then as I grew to know it afterward. - -I liked Millington. He was a short, Napoleon-looking man, with bulldog -jaws and not very much hair, and I was glad to have him for a -neighbour, particularly as my neighbour on the other side was a tall, -haughty-looking man. He leaned on the division fence and stared all the -while our furniture was being moved in. I spoke to Millington about him, -and all Millington said was: “Rolfs? Oh, he's no good! He won't ride in -an automobile.” - -At first, while we were really getting settled in our house, Isobel was -bright and cheerful and seemed to have forgotten flats entirely but on -the tenth of May I saw a change coming over her, and when I spoke of it -she opened her heart to me. - -“John,” she said, “I am afraid I cannot stand it. I shall try to, for -your sake, but I do not think I can. I am so lonely! I feel like an atom -floating in space.” - -“Isobel!” I said kindly but reprovingly. “With the Millingtons on one -side and the Rolfs on the other?” - -“I know,” she admitted contritely enough; “but you can't understand. -Always and always, since I was born, some one has lived overhead, -and some one has lived underneath. Sometimes only the janitor lived -underneath--” - -“Isobel,” I said, “if you will try to explain what you mean--” - -“I mean flats,” she said dolefully. “I always lived in a flat, John, and -there was always a family above and a family below, and it frightens me -to think I am in a house where there is no family above me, and not even -a janitor's family below me. It makes me feel naked, or suspended in -air, or as if there was no ground under my feet. It makes me gasp!” - -“That is nonsense!” I said. “That is the beauty of having a house. We -have it all to ourselves. Now, in a flat--” - -“We had our flat all to ourselves, John,” she reminded me; “but a flat -isn't so unbounded as a house. Just think; there is nothing between us -and the top of the sky! Not a single family! It makes me nervous. And -there is nothing beneath us!” - -“Now, my dear,” I said soothingly, “China is beneath us, and no doubt a -very respectable family is keeping house directly below.” - -Isobel sighed contentedly. - -“I am so glad you thought of that!” she cried. “Now, when I feel lonely, -I can imagine I feel the house jar as the Chinese family move their -piano, or I can imagine that I hear their phonograph.” - -“Very good,” I said; “and if you can imagine all that, why cannot you -imagine a family overhead, too? The whole attic is there. Very well; I -give up the entire attic to your imagination.” - -Then I kissed her and went into the back garden. My opinion is that the -man that laid out that back garden was over-sanguine. I am passionately -fond of gardening, and believe in back gardens; but at the present -price of seed and the present hardness of hoe handles, I think that back -garden is too large. This is not a mere flash opinion, either; it is -a matter of study. The first day I stuck spade into that garden I had -given little thought to its size, but by the time I had spaded all day -I began to have a pretty well-defined opinion of gardens and how large -they should be, and by the end of the third day of spading I believe -I may say I was well equipped to testify as an expert on garden sizes. -That was the day the blisters on my hands became raw. - -[Illustration: 25] - -The day after my little conversation with Isobel I returned home from -business to find her awaiting me at the gate. She wore a bright smile, -and she put her hand through my arm and hopped into step with me. - -“John,” she said cheerfully, “the Prawleys moved in to-day.” - -“The Prawleys? Who are the Prawleys, and what did they move into?” I -asked. - -“Why, how do I know who they are, John?” she said. “I suppose we will -know all about them soon enough, but you can't expect me to learn all -about a family the day they move in. And as for what they moved into, of -course there was only one vacant flat.” - -“Flat? One vacant flat? What flat?” I asked. I was afraid Isobel was not -entirely herself. - -“The one above us,” she said, and then as she saw the blank look on my -face she said: “The--the--oh, John, _don't_ you understand? The attic!” - -“Hum!” I said suspiciously, looking at Isobel; but her face was so -bright, and she looked so thoroughly contented that I did not tell her -what I thought of this sort of pretending. Too much of it is not good -for a person. “Very well,” I said; “I only hope they will not be too -noisy.” - -“I don't think they will,” said Isobel, smiling. “At least not while you -are home.” She helped me off with my light coat, and when we were seated -at the table she said: “By the way, Mr. Millington leaned over the fence -this afternoon, and said he hoped you would take a little ride to Port -Lafayette with him soon. He says his automobile is in almost perfect -shape now.” - - - - -II. MR. PRAWLEY'S GARDEN - -ISOBEL was brighter at dinner than she had been for some days. She -seemed quite contented, now that the imaginary Prawleys had moved into -the attic. She said no more about them, and when I had finished my -dinner I put on my gardening togs and went out to garden awhile before -dark. Blisters are certainly most painful after a day of rest, and I did -not work long. I was almost in despair about the garden. Fully half had -not been touched, and what I had already done looked ragged and as if it -needed doing over again. The more I dug, the more great chunks of sod -I found buried in it, and it seemed as if my garden, when I had dug out -all the chunks of sod, would be a pit instead of a level. It threatened -to be a sunken garden. - -“Isobel,” I said angrily, when the sun had set and I was once more -sitting in the chair on my veranda, with my hands wrapped in wet -handkerchiefs, “you know how passionately fond of gardening I am, and -how I longed and pined for a garden for two full years, and you know, -therefore, that it takes a great deal of gardening to satisfy me; but I -must say that the man who laid out that garden must have been a man -of shameful leisure. He laid out a garden twice as large as any garden -should be.” - -“Then why do you try to work it all?” she asked. - -“Oh, work it!” I exclaimed with some irritation. “I can't let half a -garden go to weeds! That would look nice, wouldn't it! I'll work it all -right! You don't care how I suffer and struggle. You sit here--” - -The next evening when I reached home - -I did not feel particularly happy. My hands were quite raw, and my back -had sharp pains and was stiff, and I spoke gruffly to Millington when he -suggested an automobile ride to Port Lafayette for that evening. - -“No!” I said shortly. “You ought to know I can't go. I've got to kill -myself in that garden!” - -But I was resolved Isobel should never see me conquered by a patch -of ground, and after dinner I went out with my spade and hoe. When my -glance fell on the garden I stopped short. I was very angry. - -“Isobel?” I called sharply. - -She came tripping around the house and to my side. - -“Who did that?” I asked severely. I was in no mood for nonsense. - -She looked at the garden. One half of it--not the half I had struggled -with, but the other 'half--had been spaded, crushed, ridged, planted, -and left in perfect condition. The small cabbage plants had been -carefully watered. Not a grain of earth was larger than a pin head. Not -a blade of grass stuck up anywhere. Isobel looked at the garden, and -then at me. - -“I warned him!” she said. “I warned him you would be angry when you came -home! I told him you wanted to garden that half of the garden, too, and -that you would probably go right up and give him a piece of your mind, -but he insisted that he had a right to half the garden, and--” - -“_Who_ insisted that he had a right to half my garden?” I demanded. - -“Why,” said Isobel, as if surprised at the question, “Mr. Prawley did.” - -“Prawley? Prawley? I don't know any Prawley!” - -“Don't you know the Prawleys that moved into the flat above us?” said -Isobel. “And he is a very nice man, too,” she continued. “He was not at -all rude. He merely insisted, in a quiet way, that as he was a tenant -and as there was only one back garden, and two families in the house, he -was entitled to half the garden.” - -She did not give me a chance to speak, but ran on in that vein, while -I stood and looked at the garden and, among other things, thought of my -blistered hands and my lame back. - -“Well and good, Isobel,” I said at length. “I do not wish to have -anything to say to the Prawleys, nor do I wish to quarrel with them, and -since he demands half the garden you may tell him he is welcome to it. -I cannot conceal that in taking half of it away from me he has robbed -me of just that much passionate happiness, and you may tell him I do not -like the way he gardens, but I will say no more about it!” - -“Oh, you dear old John!” said Isobel. “And now you shall not touch that -miserable garden with your poor sore hands. You shall just sit on the -veranda with me and let me bathe your palms with witch hazel.” Although -I assumed an air of sternness in speaking to Isobel of Mr. Prawley I -was glad to be able to humour her, for she seemed so much happier after -beginning to pretend that the Prawley family occupied the attic of our -house. Giving in to these harmless little whims of our wives does much -to make life pleasanter for them--and for us--and as long as Mr. Prawley -left me my own half of the garden I could not be discontented. One half -of that garden was really all a man should attempt to garden, no matter -how passionately fond of gardening he might be. - -It is fine to be the owner of a bit of soil and to feel the joy of -possession, but it is still more delightful to be able to see one's -own garden truck springing into life after one has dug and planted and -weeded and cultivated with one's own hands. I had no greater desire in -life than to devote all my spare time to my garden, but a man must give -his health some attention, and Isobel pointed out that if I gardened but -one half of the garden I would have time to ride to Port Lafayette with -Millington in his automobile now and then, and as Port Lafayette is on -the salt water the air would be good for me. - -Port Lafayette is about eleven miles from Westcote, and I had often -wished to go to Port Lafayette, but Millington is absurdly jealous. Of -course, I could have taken Isobel by train in about one half hour, or -I could walk it in two or three hours, or drive there in an hour; but -I knew that would hurt Millington's feelings. He would take it as an -insult to his automobile. - -But now I told Isobel that as soon as my garden got into reasonable -shape we would go to Port Lafayette with Millington. Isobel told me -that my health was more important than radishes, and reasoned that a few -weeds in a garden were not a bad thing. Weeds, she said, grow rapidly, -while vegetables are modest and retiring things, and she considered that -a few weeds in my half of the garden might set a good example to the -vegetables. - -Mr. Prawley evidently held a different view, for he did not allow a -single weed to raise its head in his half of the garden, and I told -Isobel, rather sharply, that his idea was the right one, and that I -should weed my garden every evening until there was not a weed in it. - -“But, John,” she said, “I have never ridden in an automobile, and it -would be a great treat for me.” - -“No doubt,” I groaned--I was weeding in my garden at the moment--“but, -treat or no treat, I am not going to have this half of the garden look -like a forest.” - -“I know you enjoy it,” she began, but I silenced her. - -“I am passionately fond of gardening,” I said, “and I have told you so a -million times. Now will you leave me alone to enjoy it, or won't you?” - -She went into the house and left me enjoying it alone. - -The very next evening, when I looked into my half of the garden, I found -it weeded and put into the best of shape, and when I hunted up Isobel, -angry indeed at having so much pleasure taken from me, she did not dare -look me in the eye. - -“Isobel,” I said sharply, “what is the meaning of this?” - -“John,” she said meekly, “I am afraid I am to blame. You know Mr. -Prawley does not like automobile riding--” - -“I know nothing of the kind, Isobel,” I said. “I know I am passionately -fond of gardening, and that some one has robbed me of the pleasure I -have looked forward to for years: the joy of weeding my own garden on my -own land.” - -“Mr. Prawley does not like automobile riding,” continued Isobel, “and -he came to me this morning and told me his health was so poor that his -doctor had told him nothing but gardening could save his life. When he -showed the garden to his doctor, the doctor told him he was not getting -half enough gardening--that he must garden twice as much. I told Mr. -Prawley he could not have your half of the garden, because you were -passionately fond of it--” - -“True, Isobel!” I said, rubbing my back at the lamest spot. - -“But he begged on his knees, saying that while it was only a pleasure -for you, it was life and health for him, and when his wife wept, I had -not the heart to refuse. He said he would make a fair exchange, and that -as he was an anti-vegetarian you could have all the vegetables that grew -in your own half, and all that grew in his, too.” - -“Isobel,” I said, taking her hand, “this is a great, great -disappointment to me. It robs me of a pleasure of which I may say I -am passionately fond, but I cannot disown a contract made by my little -wife. Mr. Prawley may garden my half of the garden.” - -I must admit that the Prawleys were ideal tenants. Not a sound came from -his floor of the house. Indeed, I did not see him nor his family at -all. But during my days in town he and Isobel seemed to have many -conversations, and she was so tender-hearted and easily moved that one -by one she let Mr. Prawley take all the outdoor work of which I may -rightly claim to be passion--to be exceedingly fond. - -Mowing the lawn is one of the things in which I delight. I ardently love -pushing the lawn mower, and if, occasionally, I allowed the grass to -grow rather long, it was only because I was saving the pleasure of -cutting it, as a child saves the icing of its cake for the last sweet -bite. I remember remarking, quite in joke, one morning, that the -confounded lawn needed mowing again, and that the grass seemed to do -nothing but grow, and that I'd probably have to break my back over it -when I got home that evening. But when I reached home that evening I -suspected that Isobel must have taken my little joke as earnest, for the -lawn was nicely mown and the edges trimmed. It seemed, when I questioned -Isobel, that Mr. Prawley's doctor was not satisfied with his progress -and had assured him that lawn mowing was necessary for his complete -recovery. Thus Isobel allowed Mr. Prawley to usurp another of my -pleasures. - -So, one by one, the outdoor tasks of which I am so passionately -fond were wrested from me. I allowed them to go because I thought it -necessary to humour Isobel in her pretence that some family occupied -a flat above us, and all seemed well; and we were ready to go to Port -Lafayette in Mr. Millington's automobile whenever it was ready to take -us, when one day in June I happened to notice that our grass was getting -unusually long and untidy. - -“Isobel,” I said, “I have humoured Mr. Prawley, abandoning to him all -the outdoor chores of which I am so passionately fond, but if he is to -do this lawn I want him to do it, and not neglect it shamefully. I will -not have it looking like this!” - -“But, John--” she began. - -“I tell you, Isobel,” I said, with rising anger, “I won't have it! -I'll stand a good deal, but when I have robbed myself of my greatest -pleasure, and then see the other man neglecting it, I rebel. If this -goes on I'll forget that Mr. Prawley has bad health. I'll enjoy cutting -the lawn myself!” - -“John,” said Isobel, throwing her arms about my neck, “you will be so -glad! I have good news to tell you! The Prawleys have moved away! Now -you can do all your own hoeing and mowing.” - -“The Prawleys have moved away?” I gasped. - -“Yes,” she said cheerfully, “and now you can garden all the garden, and -cut all the lawn and rake all the walks, and weed, and do all the things -you are so fond of doing.” - -“Isobel,” I said sternly, “if I thought only of myself I would indeed be -glad. But I cannot have my little wife fearing the empty flat above her. -You must immediately hire another--er--get another family.” - -“But I shall not be nervous any more, John,” she said; “and it is a -shame to deprive you of the outdoor work.” - -I looked out upon the large lawn and the large garden. - -“No, Isobel,” I said, “you must take no chances. You may not think you -will be nervous, but the feeling may return. If you do not get a family -to move in, I shall!” - -I rubbed the palms of my hands where the blisters had been, and thought -of the middle of my back where the pains and aches had congregated. I -was ready to sacrifice my passionate longing for outdoor work once more -for Isobel's sake. - -[Illustration: 45] - -“Well,” she said thoughtfully, “I know of an excellent coloured man in -Lower Westcote, that we can hire by the day--I mean that we can get to -move into the flat--but I can hardly afford, with my present allowance, -to pay his wages--that is, I mean--” - -“For some time, Isobel,” I said hastily, “I have been thinking your -allowance was too small. You must have a--a great many household -expenses of which I know nothing.” - -“I have,” she said simply. - -That evening when I returned from the city I saw that the lawn grass -had been cut so closely that it looked as if the lawn had been shaved. -Isobel ran to meet me. - -“John!” she cried; “John! Who do you think has moved into the flat -overhead?” - -“Dear me!” I exclaimed. “How should I know?” - -“The Prawleys!” she cried. “The Prawleys have moved back again. Are you -not glad?” - -I concealed my chagrin. I hid the sorrow with which I saw my passionate -fondness for outdoor work once more defeated of its object. - -“Isobel,” I said, “I wish you would tell Mr. Prawley's doctor to tell -Mr. Prawley that it is imperative for Mr. Prawley's best health that Mr. -Prawley dig the grass out of the gravel walks to-morrow. Tell him--” - -“I told him this evening to do the walks the first thing in the -morning,” said Isobel innocently, “and when he has done them I am going -to have him help Mary wash the windows.” - - - - -III. THE EQUINE PALACE - -“NOW that Mr. Prawley is back,” I told Isobel, “we can take that trip to -Port Lafayette with Millington,” and it was then Isobel mentioned the -advisability of keeping a horse; but Millington and I, not being afraid -of automobiles, began to go to Port Lafayette in his automobile. As a -rule we began to go every day, and sometimes twice a day, and I must say -for Millington's automobile that it was one of the most patient I have -ever seen. Patient and willing are the very words. It would start for -Port Lafayette as willingly as anything, and go along as patiently as -possible. It was a very patient goer. Haste had no charms for it. - -Millington used to come over bright and early and say cheerfully, “Well, -how would you like to take a little run out to Port Lafayette to-day?” - and I would get my cap, and we would go over to his garage and get into -the machine. Then Millington would pull a lever or two, and begin to -listen for noises indicative of internal disorders. As a rule, they -began immediately, but sometimes he would not hear anything that could -be called really serious until we reached the corner of the block. Once, -I remember, and I shall never forget the date, we went three miles -before Millington stopped the car and got out his wrenches and -antiseptic bandages and other surgical tools; but usually the noises -began inside of the block. Then we would push it home, and postpone the -trip for that day, while Millington laboured over the automobile. - -“We will get to Port Lafayette yet,” he would say hopefully. - -As soon as Isobel mentioned keeping a horse I knew she was beginning to -like suburban life, and I was delighted. Having lived all her life in a -flat, her mind naturally ran to theatres and roof gardens, rather than -to the delights of the suburbs, and her reading still consisted more of -department store bargain sales and advertisements of new plays than -of seed catalogues and ready mixed paints, as a good suburban wife's -reading should; but as soon as she mentioned that it would be nice -to have a horse I knew she was at length falling a victim to the -allurements of our semi-country existence. In order to add fuel to the -flame I took up the suggestion with enthusiasm. - -“Isobel,” I said warmly, “that is a splendid idea! A horse is just -what we need to add the finishing touch to our happiness! With these -splendid, tree-bordered roads--” - -“A horse that is not afraid of Mr. Millington's automobile,” interposed -Isobel. - -“Certainly,” I said, “a horse that you can drive without fear--” - -“But not a pokey old thing,” said Isobel. - -“By no means,” I agreed; “what we want is a young, fresh horse that can -get over the road--” - -“And gentle,” said Isobel. “And strong. And he must be a good-looking -horse. One with a glossy skin. Reddish brown, with a long tail. I -would like a great, big, strong-looking horse, like the Donelleys', but -faster, like the Smiths'.” - -“Exactly,” I said. “That's the sort of horse I had in mind. And we will -get the horse immediately. I shall stay at home tomorrow and select -the kind of horse we want, unless Mr. Millington takes me to Port -Lafayette--” - -“Now, John,” said Isobel, “you must not be too hasty. You must be -careful. I think the right way to buy a horse is to shop a little first, -and see what people have in stock, and not take the first thing that is -offered, the way you do when you buy shirts. You know how hideous some -of those last shirts are, and the arms far too long, and we don't want -anything like that to happen when you are buying a horse. I have been -talking to Mrs. Rolfs, and she says it is mere folly to buy the first -horse that is offered. Mrs. Rolfs says it stands to reason that a man -who wants to get rid of a horse would be the first man to offer it. As -soon as he learned we wanted a horse he would rush to us with the horse, -so as not to lose the chance of getting rid of it. And Mrs. Millington -says it is worse than foolish to wait until the very last horse is -offered and then buy that one, for the man that hung back in that way -would undoubtedly be the man that did not particularly care to part with -his horse, and would feel that he was doing us a favour, and would ask -a perfectly unreasonable price. The thing to do, John, is to buy, as -nearly as possible, the middle horse that is offered. If twenty-one -horses were offered the thing to do would be to buy the eleventh horse, -and in that way we would be sure to get a good horse at a reasonable -price.” - -I told Isobel that what she said was perfectly logical, and that I would -get right to work and frame up an advertisement for the local paper, -saying we wanted a horse and would be glad to examine twenty-one of -them. - -“Now, wait a minute,” she said, when I had started for my desk, “and -don't be in too great a hurry. You know the mistake you made in those -last socks you bought, by going into the first store you came to, and -the very first time you put on those socks they wore full of holes. We -don't want a horse that will wear like that. Mrs. Rolfs says we must be -very particular what sort of man we buy our horse from. She says it is -like suicide to buy a horse from a dealer, because a dealer knows so -much more about horses than we do, and is up to so many tricks, that he -would have no trouble at all in fooling us, and we would probably get a -horse that was worth nothing at all. And Mrs. Millington says it is the -greatest mistake in the world to buy a horse from an ordinary suburban -commuter. She says commuters know nothing at all about horses and just -buy them blindfold, and that, if we buy a horse from a commuter, we are -sure to get a worthless horse that the commuter has had foisted upon him -and is anxious to get rid of. The person to buy a horse of, John, is a -person that knows all about horses, but who is not a dealer.” - -“My idea exactly,” I told Isobel, and started for my desk again. - -“John, dear,” said Isobel, before I had taken two steps, “why are you -always so impetuous? Of course I want a horse, and I would like to have -it as soon as possible, but I believe in exercising a little common -sense. Where, may I ask, are you going to keep the horse when you have -got him?” - -Now, this had not occurred to me, but I answered promptly. - -“I shall put him out to board,” I said unhesitatingly, and there was -really nothing else I could say, for there was no stable on my place. I -know plenty of suburbanites who keep horses and have them boarded at the -livery stables. But this did not please Isobel. - -“You must do nothing of the kind!” said Isobel firmly. “Mrs. Rolfs and -Mrs. Millington both say there is nothing worse for a good horse than -to put it out to board. Mrs. Rolfs says it is much cheaper to keep your -horse in your own bam, and Mrs. Millington says she would have a very -low opinion of any man who would trust his horse to a liveryman. She -says the horse is man's most faithful servant, and should be treated -as such, and that she has not the least doubt that the liveryman -would underfeed our horse, and then let it out to hire to some young -harum-scarum, who would whip it into a gallop until it got overheated, -and then water it when it was so hot the water would sizzle in its -stomach, creating steam and giving it a bad case of colic. And Mrs. -Rolfs says the liveryman would be pleased with this, rather than sorry, -for then he would have to call in the veterinary, who would divide his -fee with the liveryman. So, you see, we must keep our horse in our own -stable.” - -“But, my dear,” I protested, “we have no stable.” - -“Then we must build one,” said Isobel with decision. “Mrs. Rolfs, as -soon as she heard we were going to keep a horse, lent me a magazine with -a picture of a very nice stable, and Mrs. Millington lent me another -magazine with some excellent hints on how a modern stable should be -arranged, and I think, with all the modern methods of doing things -rapidly, we might have our stable all complete in a week, or ten days at -the most.” - -[Illustration: 61] - -When I looked at Mrs. Rolfs's picture of a stable I felt immediately -that it would not suit my purse. I admitted to Isobel that it was a -handsome stable, and that the cupola with the weather vane looked very -well indeed, and that the idea of having two wings extended from the -main building to form a sort of court was a good one; but I told her -it would inconvenience the traffic on the street before our house if we -moved our house far enough into the street to permit putting a stable of -that size in our back-yard. I also told her, as gently as I could, that -the style of architecture did not suit our house, for while our house -is a plain house, the stable recommended by Mrs. Rolfs was pressed brick -and stained shingles, with a slate roof. I also pointed out to Isobel -that one horse hardly needed a stable of that size, and that even a very -large horse would feel lonely in the main building. - -I remarked jocosely that it would be well enough, if we could keep two -or three grooms with nothing to do but hunt through the stable, trying -to find the horse. If we could afford to do that, it would be a pleasure -to awaken in the morning and have one of the grooms come running to us -with the light of joy on his face, saying, “What do you think, sir? - -“But I told her it would inconvenience the traffic on the street before -our house if we moved our house far enough into the street to permit -putting a stable of that size in our backyard.” - -Isobel smiled in a wan, sad way at this, so I did not say, as I had -intended saying if she had received my joke well, that the only horse -requiring wings was Pegasus, and that he furnished his own. - -Instead, I took up Mrs. Millington's article on the modern stable. -It was a masterly article, indeed, and it spoke highly of the gravity -stable. No hay forks, no pitching up forage, no elevating feed, no -loading of manure from a heap into a wagon. No, indeed! Everything must -go down; the natural law of gravitation must do the work. Three stories, -with the rear of the stable against the side of the hill. Drive your -feed into the top story and unload it. Slide it down into the second -story to the horse. Through a trap in the stall the manure falls into a -wagon waiting to receive it. - -There were other details--electric lights, silver-mounted chains, -and other little things--but I did not pay much attention to them. I -explained to Isobel that it would be difficult to build a firm, -solid hill, large enough to back a three-story stable against, in our -backyard. Of course, there were plenty of hills in our part of Long -Island that were lying idle and might be had at low cost, but it costs -a great deal to move a hill, and all of them were so large they would -overlap our property and bury the homes of Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington. -This did not greatly impress Isobel, however, and I had to come out -firmly and tell her it would be impossible to build a stable three -stories high, with two wings, pressed brick, shingle walls, slate roof, -and a weather vane, and at the same time erect a nice hill and buy a -horse and rig, all with one thousand dollars, which was all the money I -could afford to spend. - -When I put it that way, and gave her her choice of one thousand dollars' -worth of hill, or one thousand dollars' worth of stable, or one thousand -dollars' worth of assorted horse, stable, and rig, she chose the last, -and only remarked that she would insist on the weather vane and the -manure pit. She said that Mrs. Rolfs had taken such an interest, -bringing over the magazine, that it was only right to have the weather -vane, at least; and that Mrs. Millington had been so interested and kind -that the very least we could do was to have the manure pit. - -“And another thing,” said Isobel, “Mr. Prawley is going to move out of -the flat overhead.” - -“Great Cæsar!” I exclaimed. “Is that man quitting again? Isn't he -getting enough wages?” - -“Wages?” said Isobel. “Nothing has been said about wages. But this -Mr. Prawley will not stay if we buy a horse. He says he does not mind -gardening your garden and mowing your lawn and taking all your other -outdoor exercise for you, but that a horse once reached over the side of -the stall and bit him, and he doesn't want to work--to live in a place -where horses are liable to bite him at any time without a minute's -notice.” - -“Tell that fellow,” I said, “that we will get a horse that doesn't bite, -or that we will muzzle the horse, or--” - -“It would be easier,” said Isobel, “to--to have a Prawley move in who -was not afraid of horses. I know of a man in East Westcote, and he has -had experience with horses--” - -“Very well,” I said. “I suppose you will wish your allowance increased?” - -“Yes,” said Isobel, “if the new Mr. Prawley moves into the flat -overhead, I will need about five dollars a month more than you have been -allowing me.” - - - - -IV. “BOB” - -THE next morning I stayed at home to see about getting the stable built -in a hurry, but before I had finished breakfast Millington came over and -said it was an ideal day for a little spin up to Port Lafayette in his -automobile. He said the whole machine was in perfect order and we would -dash out to Port Lafayette, have a bath in the salt water, and come -spinning back, and he told Isobel and me to get on our hats, and he -would have the car before the door in a minute. - -Isobel and I hastily finished our coffee and put on our hats and went -out to the gate, for, although we were very eager to build the stable, -we did not like to offend Millington by refusing his invitation, when -he had asked us so often to go to Port Lafayette. In half an hour he -arrived at the gate, and we climbed in. - -Our usual custom, on these trips to Port Lafayette, was for Millington -and me to sit in front, while Isobel and Mrs. Millington sat in the -rear. There was a nice little gate in the rear by which they could -enter. - -You see, Millington's automobile was just a little old. I should not go -so far as to say it was the first automobile ever made. It was probably -the thirteenth, and Millington was probably the thirteenth owner. I know -it had four cylinders, because Millington was constantly remarking that -only three were working. Sometimes only one worked, and sometimes that -one did not. - -When we were all comfortably arranged in our seats, and all snugly -tucked in, Millington cranked the machine for half an hour, and then -remarked regretfully that this was one of the days none of the cylinders -was working, and we got out again. - -Mr. Rolfs had come out to see us start, and he helped Millington and -me push the automobile back to the Millington garage; and as I walked -homeward he said he had heard I was going to buy a horse, and he wanted -to give me a little advice. - -“Probably you have not given much attention to the subject of -deforestation,” he said, “but I have, and it is the great crime of our -age.” - -I told him I did not see what that had to do with my purchasing a horse, -but he said it had everything to do with it. - -“When you buy a horse, you have to erect a stable,” he said, “and when -you erect a stable, you have to buy lumber, and when you have to -buy lumber, you suffer in your purse because the forests have been -ruthlessly destroyed. As a friend and neighbour I would not have you go -and purchase poor lumber, and with it build a stable that will rot to -pieces in a few years. You must buy the best lumber, and that is too -expensive to use recklessly. I want to warn you particularly about wire -nails. Do not let your builder use them. They loosen in a short time -and allow the boards to warp and crack. Personally, if I were building -a stable I should have the ends of the boards dovetailed, and instead of -nails I should use ash pegs, but I understand you do not wish to go to -great expense, so screws will do. Let it be part of your contract that -not a nail shall be used in your stable--nothing but screws, and if you -can afford brass screws, so much the better. But remember, no nails!” - -I thanked Rolfs, and when Millington came over to invite me to take a -little run up to Port Lafayette the next morning I told him what Mr. -Rolfs had said. - -“Now that is just like Rolfs,” he said, “impractical as the day is long. -Screws would not do at all. The carpenters would drive the screws with -a hammer, and the screws would crack the wood. Take my advice and let it -be part of your contract that not a screw is to be used in your stable; -nothing but wire nails. _But_ stipulate long wire nails; wire nails so -long that they will go clear through and clinch on the other side, and -then see that each and every nail is clinched. If you do this you will -have no trouble with split lumber and not a board will work loose.” - -When I spoke to the builder about the probable cost of the stable, I was -sorry I had been so lenient with Isobel, and that I had not put my foot -down on the weather vane at once. A weather vane does not add to the -comfort of a family horse, and the longer I spoke with the builder the -surer I became that what I needed was not a lot of gimcracks, but a -plain, simple, story-and-a-half affair, with the chaste architectural -lines of a dry-goods box. I mentioned, casually, the hints Mr. Rolfs -and Mr. Millington had given me, but the builder did not seem very -enthusiastic about them. He snorted in a peculiar way and then said that -if I was going in for that sort of thing I could get better results by -having no nails or screws at all. He said I could have holes bored -in the boards with a gimlet, and have the stable laced together with -rawhide thongs, but that when I got ready to talk business in a sensible -way, I could let him know. He said this was his busy day, and that his -office was not a lunatic asylum. - -I managed to calm him in less than half an hour, and he remained quite -docile until I mentioned Isobel and said she hoped he would have the -stable ready for the horse within a week. It took me much longer to calm -him that time. For a few moments I feared for his reason. But he quieted -down. - -Then I showed him a plan I had drawn, showing the working of the manure -dump, and this had quite a different effect on him. It pleased him -immensely, as I could see by his face. I explained how it operated; how -throwing a catch allowed one end of the stall floor to drop, while the -other end of the stall floor was held in place by hinges, and he said it -was certainly a new idea. He asked me whether it was Mr. Rolfs's idea -or Mr. Millington's, and when I told him I had worked out the plan -myself, he said he had rather thought so. - -“It is just such a plan as I should expect a man of your intelligence to -work out,” he said. - -Then he asked to see my bank-book, and when I had shown him just how -much money I had, he said the best way to build the stable was by the -day. If it was built by the job, he explained, a builder naturally had -to hurry the job, and things were not done as carefully as I wished -them done; but if it was done by the day, every hammer stroke would be -carefully made, and I could pay every evening for the work done that -day. - -About the third week of the building operations those careful hammer -strokes began to get on my nerves. I never knew hammer strokes so -carefully considered and so cautiously delivered. The carpenters were -most careful about them, and several times I spoke to the builder and -suggested that if shorter nails were used perhaps it would not take -so many strokes of the hammer to drive them in. I told him, if he was -willing, I was willing to have the rest of the stable done by the job, -but he said it had gone too far for that. - -There were two men working on my stable--“two souls with but a single -thought,” Isobel called them--and they were hard thinkers. The two of -them would take hold of a board, one at either end, and hold it in -their hands, and look at it, and think. I do not know what they thought -about--deforestation, probably--but they would think for ten minutes -and then put the board gently to one side and think about another board. -They did their thinking, as they did their work, by the day. - -[Illustration: 77] - -We had plenty of time in which to select our horse while our stable was -building. My advertisement in the local paper brought a horse to my door -the morning after it appeared, and no horse could have suited me quite -so well as that one, but I was resolute and firm. I told the man--he was -not a dealer nor yet a commuter, and my conversation with him showed me -that he knew just enough, and not too much, about horses--that I liked -his horse very well indeed, but that I could not purchase it.. At -this he seemed downcast, and I did not blame him. He seemed to take my -refusal as some sort of personal insult, for the horse was young, large, -strong, gentle, and speedy, and the price was right; but every time -I began to weaken Isobel said, “John, remember number eleven!” and I -refrained from purchasing that horse. I finally sent the man away with -warm expressions of my esteem for him as a man, but that did not seem to -cheer him much. - -An hour later another man brought another horse, and I sent him away -also, as was my duty, for he was only number two; but he was hardly gone -when horse number one appeared again. I saw at once that I was going -to have trouble with that man. He was so sure he had the horse I wanted -that he would not go away and stay away. He kept coming back, and each -time he went away sadder than before. He was a sad-looking man, anyway, -and he would sit in his buggy and talk to me until another horse was -driven up, and then he would sigh and drive down to the corner, and sit -and look at me reproachfully until the other man drove away again. Then -he would drive back and reproach me, with tears in his eyes, for not -buying his horse. By lunch time I was almost worn out, and I told Isobel -as much when I looked out of the window and saw that handsome horse and -his sad driver waiting patiently at my gate. I told her I was tempted to -take that horse, Mrs. Rolfs or no Mrs. Rolfs. - -“Take that horse?” said Isobel, as if my words surprised her. “Why, of -course we are going to take that horse!” - -“But, my dear,” I said, “after what you told me about taking the -eleventh horse?” - -“Certainly,” said Isobel. “What is this but the eleventh horse? It came -first, and then another horse came, and then this one came third, and -then some other horse came, and then this one came fifth, and so on, and -now it is standing there at the gate, the eleventh horse. Certainly we -will buy this horse.” - -“Isobel,” I said, “we might quite as well have bought it the first time -it was driven to our gate as this time.” - -“Not at all,” she said; “that would have been an altogether different -thing. If we had taken the first horse that was offered we would have -regretted it all our lives; but now we can take this horse and feel -perfectly safe.” - -Bob--that was the name of the horse--fitted into our stable pretty well. -He had to bend rather sharply in the middle to get out of his stall, but -he was quite limber for a horse of his age and size, so he managed -it very well. A stiffer horse might have broken in two or have been -permanently bent. The stall was so economically built that a large, -long horse like Bob stuck out of it like a long ship in a short dock; he -stuck out so far that we had to go around through the carriage room to -get on the other side of him. Our new Mr. Prawley did not mind this. He -was willing to spend all the time necessary going from one bit of work -to another. - -There was one advantage in having the stable and everything about it on -a small scale--it lessened the depth of the manure pit. The very first -night we put Bob in his stall we heard a loud noise in the stable. -Isobel suggested that we had overfed Bob, and that he had swelled out -and pressed out the sides of the stable, but I thought it more likely -that the weather-boarding had slipped loose. I had seen the thoughtful -carpenters putting that weather-boarding on the stable. But Isobel and I -were both wrong. Bob had merely dropped into the manure pit. - -I was glad then that I had chosen a strong horse, for he did not seem -to mind the drop in the least. He stood there with his front feet in the -basement, as you might say, and with his rear feet upstairs, quite as -if that was his usual way of standing. After that he often fell into the -manure pit, and he always took it good-naturedly. He got so he expected -it, after awhile, and if his stall floor did not drop once a day, he -became restless and took no interest in his food. Usually, during the -day, Bob and Mr. Prawley dropped into the basement together while Mr. -Prawley was currying Bob, but at night, when we heard Bob calling us in -the homesick, whinnying tone, and kicking his heels against the side -of the stable, we knew what he wanted, and to prevent him kicking the -stable to ruins, we--Isobel and I--would go out and drop him into the -basement a couple of times. Then he would be satisfied. - -There was but one thing we feared: Bob might become so fond of having -his forefeet in the basement and his rear feet upstairs, that he would -stand no other way, and in course of time his front legs would have to -lengthen enough to let his head reach his manger, or his neck would have -to stretch. Either would give him the general appearance of a giraffe. -While this would be neat for show purposes, it would attract almost too -much attention in a family horse. I have no doubt this is the way the -giraffe acquired its peculiar construction, but we were able to avoid -it, for we awoke one night when Bob made an unaided descent into the -manure pit, and when we went to aid him we found he had descended at -both ends, on account of the economical hinges used on the drop floor -of the stall of our equine palace. Bob showed in every way that he had -enjoyed that drop more than any drop he had ever taken, but I drew the -line there. I had other things to do more important than conducting a -private Coney Island for a horse. If Bob had been a colt I might not -have been so stern about it, but I will not pamper a staid old family -horse by operating shoot-the-chutes and loop-the-loops for him at two -o'clock in the morning. - -“Isobel,” I said, “if that horse is to continue in my stable you may -tell Mr. Prawley that it is necessary for his health that he sleep in -the stable-loft hereafter. It will be good exercise for him to get up at -midnight and pull Bob out of the manure pit.” - -“This present Mr. Prawley will not do it,” said Isobel. “He has a wife -and family at East Westcote, and he--” - -“Very well,” I said, “then get another Mr. Prawley!” - -Of the new Mr. Prawley it is necessary to speak a few words. - - - - -V. THE NEW MR. PRAWLEY - - -THE new Mr. Prawley (by this time a family, but we still clung to the -name Prawley, just as all coloured waiters are called “George”) was a -most unusual man. - -For a month before we hired him he had been trying to undermine Isobel's -faith in the Mr. Prawley from East Westcote. He had called at the house -two or three times a week. At first he merely asked for the job of -man-of-all-work, as any applicant might have asked for it, but he soon -began speaking of our Prawley in the most damaging terms. I believe -there was hardly a crime or misdemeanour that he did not lay at the door -of our Mr. Prawley, and so insistent was he that Isobel and I had ceased -to speak of him as living in our attic. - -Isobel decided the two men must be deadly enemies, and that this -fellow was set on hounding our Mr. Prawley from pillar to post, like an -avenging angel. She concluded that this man must have been frightfully -wronged by our Mr. Prawley, and that he had sworn to dog his footsteps -to the grave. - -But when she let our Mr. Prawley go and hired this new Mr. Prawley, -his interest in his predecessor ceased entirely. In place of the eager, -longing look his face had worn, he now wore a thin, satisfied look, -which I can best describe as that of a hungry jackal licking his chops. -Mr. Prawley--his name, he told us, was Duggs, Alonzo Duggs, but we -called him Mr. Prawley--was a tall, lean, villanous-looking fellow, with -a red, pointed beard, and at times when he leaned on the division fence -and looked into Mr. Millington's yard I could see his fingers opening -and shutting like the claws of a bird of prey. He seemed to hate Mr. -Millington With a deep but hidden hatred, and often, when Mr. Millington -was preparing to take Isobel and me to Port Lafayette, Mr. Prawley would -stand and grit his teeth in the most unpleasant manner. When I spoke -to Mr. Prawley about it he said, “It isn't Mr. Millington. It is the -automobile. I hate automobiles!” - -For that matter, I was beginning to hate them myself. Many a pleasant -ride behind Bob did I have to sacrifice because Millington insisted that -we take a little run up to Port Lafayette with him and Mrs. Millington. -We would all get into his car, and Millington would pull his cap down -tight, and begin to frown and cock his head on one side to hear signs of -asthma or heart throbs or whatever the automobile might take a notion to -have that day. And off we would go! - -I tell you, it was exhilarating. After all there is nothing like -motoring. We would roll smoothly down the street, with Millington -frowning like a pirate all the way, and then suddenly he would hear the -noise he was listening for, and he would stop frowning, and jerk a lever -that stopped the car, and hop out with a satisfied expression, and begin -to whistle, and open the car in eight places, and take out an assorted -hardware store, and adhesive tape, and blankets, and oil cans, and -hatchets, and axes, and get to work on the car as happy as a babe; and -Mrs. Millington and Isobel and I would walk home. - -The sight of an automobile seemed to madden Mr. Prawley, but otherwise -he was the meekest of men, and a good example of this was the manner in -which he behaved at our Christmas party. - -The idea of having a good, old-fashioned Christmas house party for our -city friends was Isobel's idea, but the moment she mentioned it I adopted -it, and told her we would have Jimmy Dunn out. Jimmy Dunn is one of -those rare men that have acquired the suburban-visit habit. Usually when -we suburbanites invite a city friend to spend the week-end with us, the -city friend balks. - -Into his frank eyes comes a furtive, shifty look as he tries to think -of an adequate lie to serve as an excuse for not coming, but Jimmy was -taken in hand when he was young and flexible, and he has become meek and -docile under adversity, as I might say. When any one invites Jimmy to -the suburbs he hardly makes a struggle. I suppose it is because of the -gradual weakening of his will power. - -“Good!” I said. “We will have Jimmy Dunn out over Christmas.” - -“Oh! Jimmy Dunn!” scoffed Isobel gently. “Of course we will have Jimmy, -but what I mean is to have a lot of people--ten at least--and we must -have at least two lovers, because they will look so well in that little -alcove room off the parlour, and we can go in and surprise them once -in a while. And we will have a Santa Claus, and lots of holly and -mistletoe, and a tree with all sorts of foolish presents on it for every -one, and--” - -“Splendid!” I cried less enthusiastically. - -“Now as for the ten--” - -“Well,” said Isobel, “we will have Jimmy Dunn--” - -“That is what I suggested,” I said meekly. “We will have Jimmy Dunn,” - repeated Isobel, “and then we will have--we will have--I wonder who we -could get to come out. Mary might come, if she wasn't in Europe.” - -“That would make two,” I said cheerfully, “if she wasn't in Europe.” - “And we must have a Yule-log!” exclaimed Isobel. “A big, blazing -Yule-log, to drink wassail in front of, and to sing carols around.” - I told Isobel that, as nearly as I could judge, the fireplaces in our -house had not been constructed for big, blazing Yule-logs. I reminded -her that when I had spoken to the last owner about having a grate fire -he had advised us, with great excitement, not to attempt anything so -rash. He had said that if we were careful we might have a gas-log, -provided it was a small one and we did not turn on the gas full force, -and were sure our insurance was placed in a good, reliable company. He -had said that if we were careful about those few things, and kept a -pail of water on the roof in case of emergency, we might use a gas-log, -provided we extinguished it as soon as we felt any heat coming from it. -I had not, at the time, thought of mentioning a Yule-log to him, but -I told Isobel now that perhaps we might be able to find a small, -gas-burning Yule-log at the gas company's office. Isobel scoffed at the -idea. She said we might as well put a hot-water bottle in the grate and -try to be merry around that. - -“I don't see,” she said, “why people build chimneys in houses if it is -going to be dangerous to have a fire in the fireplace.” - -“They improve the ventilation, I suppose,” I said, “and then, what would -Santa Claus come down if there were no chimneys?” - -I frequently drop these half-joking remarks into my conversations with -Isobel, and not infrequently she smiles at them in a faraway manner, but -this time she jumped at the remark and seized it with both hands. - -“John!” she cried, “that is the very, very thing! We will have Santa -Claus come down the chimney! And you will be Santa Claus!” I remained -calm. Some men would have immediately remembered they had prior -engagements for Christmas. Some men would have instantly declared that -Santa Claus was an unworthy myth. But not I! I dropped upon my hands and -knees and gazed up the chimney. When I withdrew my head, I stood up and -grasped Isobel's hand. - -“Fine!” I cried with well-simulated enthusiasm. “I'll get an automobile -coat from Millington, and sleigh bells and a mask with a long white -beard--” - -“And a wig with long white hair,” Isobel added joyously. - -“And while our guests are all at dinner,” I cried, “I will steal away -from the table--” - -“John!” exclaimed Isobel. “You can't be Santa Claus! Can't you see that -it would never, never do for you to leave the table when your guests -were all there? You cannot be Santa Claus, John!” - -“Oh, Isobel!” - -“No,” she said firmly, “you cannot be Santa Claus. Jimmy Dunn must be -Santa Claus!” - -We had Jimmy Dunn out the next Sunday and broke it to him as gently as -we could, and explained what a lot of fun it would be for him, and how -I envied him the chance. For some reason he did not become wildly -enthusiastic. Instead he kneeled down, as I had done, and put his head -into the fireplace, in his usual slow-going manner, and looked up to -where the small oblong of blue sky glowed far, far above him. - -When he withdrew his head, he began some maundering talk about, an uncle -of his in Baltimore who was far from well, and who was likely to be -extremely dead or sick or married about Christmas time, but I had had -too much experience with such excuses to pay any attention to him. -Isobel and I gathered about him and talked as fast as we could, with -merry little laughs, and presently Jimmy seemed more resigned, and said -he supposed if he had to be Santa Claus there was no way out of it if -he wanted t o keep our friendship. So when he suggested getting an -automobile coat to wear, we hailed it as a splendidly original idea, -and patted him on the back, and he went away in a rather good humour, -particularly when we told him he need not come all the way down from the -top of the chimney, but could get into the chimney from the room above -the parlour. I told him it would be no trouble at all to take out the -iron back of the fireplace, for it was almost falling out, and that we -would have a ladder in the chimney for him to come down. - -It was Mrs. Rolfs who changed our plans. - -As soon as she heard we were going to have a Santa Claus, she brought -over a magazine and showed Isobel an article that said Santa Claus was -lacking in originality, and that it was much better to have two little -girls dressed as snow fairies distribute the presents from the tree, -and Mrs. Rolfs said she was willing to lend us her two daughters, if we -insisted. So we had to insist. - -[Illustration: 99] - -By the merest oversight, such as might occur in any family excited over -the preparations for a Christmas party, Isobel forgot to tell Jimmy Dunn -that the plan was changed. She had enough to think of without thinking -of that, for she found, at the last moment, that she could not pick up a -regularly constituted pair of lovers for the little alcove room, and -she had to patch up a temporary pair of lovers by inviting Miss Seiler, -depending on Jimmy Dunn to do the best he could as the other half of the -pair. Of course Jimmy Dunn does not talk much, and it was apt to be a -surprise to him to learn he was scheduled to make love, but Miss Seiler -talks enough for two. When Jimmy arrived, about four o'clock Christmas -eve, Isobel let him know he was to be a lover, but he was then in the -house, and it was too late for him to get away. - -Isobel had done nobly in securing guests. Jimmy and Miss Seiler were the -only guests from the city, but she had captured some suburbanites. Ten -of us made merry at the table--that is, all ten except Jimmy. I was -positively ashamed of Jimmy. There we were at the culminating hours of -the merry Yule-tide, gathered at the festive board itself, with a bowl -of first-rate home-made wassail with ice in it, and Jimmy was expected -to smile lovingly, and blush, and all that sort of thing, and what did -he do? He sat as mute as a clam, and started uneasily every time a new -course appeared. Before dessert arrived he actually arose and asked to -be excused. - -Now, if _you_ intended making a fool of yourself in a friend's house by -impersonating Santa Claus and coming down a chimney in a fur automobile -coat, and nonsense like that, _you_ would have sense enough to remember -which room upstairs had the chimney that led down into the parlour -fireplace, wouldn't you? So I blame Jimmy entirely, and so does Isobel. -Jimmy says--of course he had to have some excuse--that we might have -told him we had given up the idea of having Santa Claus come down the -chimney, and that if we had wanted him to come down any particular -chimney we should have put a label on it. “Santa Claus enter here,” I -suppose. - -Jimmy said he did the best he could; that he knew he did not have much -time between the threatened appearance of the dessert and the time -he was supposed to issue from the fireplace--and so on! He was quite -excited about it. Quite bitter, I may say. - -It seems--or so Jimmy says--that, when he left the table, Jimmy went -upstairs and got into his automobile coat of fur, and his felt boots, -and his mask, and his fur gloves, and his long white hair, and his -stocking hat, and that about the time we were sipping coffee he was -ready. He says it was no joke to be done up in all those things in an -overheated house, and he thought if he got into the chimney he might -be in a cool draught, so he poked about until he found a fireplace and -backed carefully into it, and pawed with his left foot for the top rung -of the ladder. That was about the time we arose from the table with -merry laughs, as nearly as Isobel and I can judge. - -No one missed Jimmy, except Miss Seiler, and she was so unused to being -made love to as Jimmy made love that she thought nothing of a temporary -absence. It was not until I took Jimmy's present from the tree and sent -one of the Rolfs fairies to hand it to Jimmy that we realized he was not -in the parlour, and then Isobel and I both felt hurt to think that -Jimmy had selfishly withdrawn from among us when we had gone to all the -trouble of getting the other half of a pair of lovers especially on his -account. It was not fair to Miss Seiler, and I told Jimmy so the next -time I saw him. - -When the Rolfs fairy had looked in all the rooms, upstairs and down, and -had not found Jimmy, she came back and told Isobel, and that was when -Isobel remembered she had forgotten to tell Jimmy we had given up the -idea of having a Santa Claus. Isobel looked up the parlour chimney, but -he was not there, and then we all started merrily looking up chimneys. -We found Santa Claus up the library chimney almost immediately. He was -still kicking, but not with much vim--more like a man that is kicking -because he has nothing else to do than like a man that enjoys it. - -I think we must have been gathering around the Christmas tree to the -cheery music of a carol when Santa Claus put his foot on a loose brick -in the fireplace and slipped. I claim that if Santa Claus had instantly -thrown his body forward he would have been safe enough, but Santa Claus -says he did not have time--that he slid down the chimney immediately, as -far as his arms would let him. He says that when he caught the edge of -the hearth with his hands he did yell; that he yelled as loud as any -man could who was wrapped in a fur coat and had his mouth full of white -horse-hair whiskers and his face covered by a mask. I say that proves he -yelled just as we were singing the carol. He should have yelled a moment -sooner, or should have waited half an hour, until the noise in the -parlour abated. Santa Claus says he tried to stay there half an hour, -but the two bricks he had grasped did not want to wait. They wanted to -hurry down the chimney without further delay, and they had their own way -about it. So Santa Claus went on down with them. - -I tell Santa Claus that even if we were singing carols we would have -heard him if he had fallen to the library floor with a bump, and that it -was his fault if he did not fall heavily, but he blames the architect. -He says that if the chimney had been built large enough he would have -done his part and would have fallen hard, but that when he reached the -narrow part of the chimney he wedged there. I said that was the fault -of wearing an automobile coat that padded him out so he could not fall -through an ordinary chimney, and I asked him if he thought any man who -meant to fall down chimneys had ever before put on an automobile coat to -fall in. - -Certainly I, the host, could not be expected to stop the laughter and -merriment when I was taking presents from the tree, and bid every one be -silent and listen for the muffled tones of a Santa Claus in the library -chimney. I do not say Santa Claus did not yell as loudly as he could. -Doubtless he did. And I do not say he did not try to get out of the -chimney. He says he did, but that with his arms crowded above his head -he could do nothing but reach. He says he also kicked, but there was -nothing to kick. He says the most fruitless task in the world is to kick -when wedged in a chimney with a whole fur automobile coat crowded up -under the arms and nothing below to kick but air. - -Luckily I was able to send for Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington, whose -advice is always valuable, since when I know what they advise I know -what not to do. Mr. Rolfs rushed in and was of the opinion that we must -get a chisel and chisel a hole in the library wall as near as possible -to where Santa Claus was reposing, but when Mr. Millington arrived, -breathless, he said this would be simple murder, for as likely as not -the chisel would enter between two bricks and perforate Santa Claus -beyond repair. Mr. Millington said the thing to do was to get a -clothesline and attach it to Santa Claus's feet and pull him down. He -said it was logical to pull him downward, because we would then be aided -by the law of gravitation. Mr. Rolfs said this was nonsense, and that -it would only wedge Santa Claus in the chimney more tightly, and that we -would, in all probability, pull him in two, or at least stretch him out -so long that he would never be very useful again. - -Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington became quite heated in their argument. Mr. -Rolfs said that if a rope was to be used it should be used to pull Santa -Claus upward, but they compromised by agreeing to cut the clothesline -in two, choose up sides, and let one side pull Santa Claus upward, -while the other pulled him downward. Then Santa Claus would move in -the direction of least resistance. So they got the clothesline, and Mr. -Rolfs was about to cut it, when Miss Seiler screamed. - -I was doubly glad she screamed just at that juncture, for we had all -become so interested in the Rolfs-Millington controversy that we had -forgotten how perishable a human being is, and, with two such stubborn -men as Rolfs and Millington urging us on, we might have pulled -Santa Claus in two while our sporting instincts were aroused by the -tug-of-war. That was one reason I was glad Miss Seiler screamed. The -other reason was that it showed she was doing her share of representing -one half of a pair of lovers. She had done rather poorly up to that -time, but she saw that when her lover was about to be pulled asunder was -the time to scream, if she was ever going to scream, so she screamed. -So we all went upstairs and let the rope down to Santa Claus, and the -entire merry Christmas house party pulled, and after we had jerked a few -times up came Santa Claus with a sudden bump. - -At that moment Miss Seiler screamed again, and when we turned we saw -the reason, for the glass door to the little upper porch had opened and -Jimmy Dunn was entering the room. - -We laid Santa Claus on the floor and let him kick, for he seemed to have -acquired the habit, but after awhile he slowed down and only jerked his -legs spasmodically. Mr. Millington explained that it was only the reflex -action of the muscles, and that probably Santa Claus would kick like -that for several months, whenever he lay down. He said if we had -followed his advice and pulled downward we would have yanked all the -reflex action out of the legs. - -As soon as I pulled the mask from his face I recognized Mr. Prawley. -Jimmy slipped out of the room and walked all the way to the station, and -Miss Seiler stood around, not knowing whether she was to be half of -a pair of lovers with Mr. Prawley as the other half, or stop being a -lover, or weep because Jimmy had gone. I felt sorry for her, because Mr. -Prawley was not a good specimen of a Christmas lover just then. When -we stood him on his feet his trousers were still pushed up around his -knees, and his fur coat was around his neck. He was so weak we had to -hold him up. - -“What I want to know,” said Mr. Millington, “is what you were doing in -that chimney in my automobile coat?” - -“Doing?” said Mr. Prawley. “Why, I'm jolly old Santa Claus. I come down -chimneys.” - -“Well, my advice to you, Mr. Prawley,” I said, “is to stop it. You don't -do it at all right. Don't try it again. I've had enough of this jolly -old Santa Claus business. Who told you to do it?” - -“The little gentleman with the scared look,” said Mr. Prawley, looking -around for Jimmy Dunn. “He isn't here.” - -“And what did he give you for doing it?” I asked. - -“Nothing!” said Mr. Prawley. “He just--” - -“Just what?” I asked when he hesitated. Mr. Prawley drew me to one side -and whispered. - -“He said I might wear an automobile coat. And I couldn't resist the -temptation,” said Mr. Prawley. “I've been hankering to get inside an -automobile coat for weeks and weeks, sir. I couldn't resist.” - -Of course, I could make nothing of this at the time, so I merely said a -few words of good advice, and ordered Mr. Prawley never to try the Santa -Claus impersonation again. - -“Of course, I'm only an amateur at it,” said Mr. Prawley apologetically, -and then he brightened, “but I made good speed as far as I got. I'll bet -I broke the world's speed record for jolly old Santa Clauses!” - - - - -VI. THE SPECKLED HEN - -IN ORDER to relieve the reader's suspense, I may as well say here that -Jimmy Dunn did not marry Miss Seiler. It is too bad to have to sacrifice -what promised to be a first-class love interest, but the truth is that -there is less chance of Jimmy ever marrying Miss Seiler than there -seemed likelihood of Isobel and me reaching Port Lafayette in Mr. -Millington's automobile. - -Usually when we started for Port Lafayette, my wife and Millington's -wife would dress for the matinée or church, or wherever they intended -going that day, and when Millington heard the knocking sound in his -engine and began to get out his tools, they would excuse themselves -politely and go and spend the day in the city. They usually returned -in time to get into the car and ride back to the garage. But I stuck to -Millington. You never can tell when a car of that kind will be ready to -start up, and I was really very anxious to go to Port Lafayette. I spent -some very delightful days with Millington that way, for when he was -mending his car he was always in a charming humour, and as gay and -playful as a kitten. - -I began to fear that one, if not the only, reason why Mr. Millington was -always in such a good humour when his car was in a bad one, was because -I had told him that I had heard of a man in Port Lafayette who had a -fine farm of White Wyandotte chickens, and that I thought I might buy -some for my place. Millington does not believe in Wyandottes. He is all -for Orpingtons. - -It is remarkable how many wives object to chickens. I do not blame -Isobel for not liking chickens, for she was born in a flat, and I am -willing to make allowances for her lack of education; but why Mrs. Rolfs -and Mrs. Millington should dislike chickens was beyond my comprehension. -Both were born in the suburbs, and grew up in a real chickenish -atmosphere, and still they do not keep chickens. I must say, however, -that Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington are persons of greater intelligence. -Almost the first day I moved into the suburb of Westcote, Mr. Rolfs -leaned over the division fence and complimented me on my foresight in -purchasing such an admirable place on which to raise chickens. He told -me that if I needed any advice about chickens he would be glad to supply -me with all I wished, just as a neighbourly matter. He seemed to take it -as a matter of course that I would arrange for a lot of chickens as soon -as I was fairly settled on the place, and in this he was seconded by Mr. -Millington. - -When Mr. Millington saw Mr. Rolfs talking to me, he came right over and -said that, while he hated to boast, he had studied chickens from A to -Gizzard, and that when I was ready to get my chickens he could give me -some suggestions that would be simply invaluable. We talked the chicken -matter over very thoroughly, and I soon saw that they were men of -knowledge and deep experience in chicken matters, and when they had -decided that I would keep chickens, and what kind of chickens, and where -I should build the coop, and what kind of coop I should build, we all -shook hands warmly, and I went around front to tell Isobel. I was very -enthusiastic about chickens when I went. - -After I had interviewed Isobel for three minutes I learned, definitely, -that I was not going to keep chickens. There were a great many things -Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington had not said about chickens, and those were -the very things Isobel told me, and they were all reasons for not having -chickens on the place at all. She also threw in an opinion of Mr. Rolfs -and Mr. Millington. It seemed that they were two villains of the most -depraved sort, who did not dare keep chickens themselves because they -were afraid of their wives, and who were trying to steal a vicarious joy -by bossing my chickens when I got them, but that I was not going to get -any. Absolutely! - -Of course, I always do what Isobel tells me, and when she told me I was -not going to have chickens, I obeyed. But I merely told Mr. Rolfs -and Mr. Millington when they came over the next day, that I had been -thinking the matter over and that I was doubtful whether the south corner -or the north corner would be the best place for the coop. So we three -went and looked over the ground again. Both favoured the north corner, -so I hung back and seemed undecided and doubtful, and finally, in a week -or two, they agreed with me. - -[Illustration: 123] - -I never saw two men so anxious to have a neighbour keep chickens. They -were willing to let me have almost everything my own way. It was quite a -strain on me, for I had to think of a new objection to their plans every -day or so, but I could see the suspense was harder on Mr. Rolfs and Mr. -Millington. Every morning they came and hung over my fence wistfully, -and every evening they came over and talked chickens, and on the train -to town they spoke freely of the chickens they were going to keep. In -a month they were talking of the chickens they _were_ keeping, and -bragging about them; and old-seasoned chicken raisers used to hunt them -up and sit with them and ask for information on knotty points. - -Toward fall Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington were beginning to talk about -the large sums of money they were making out of their chickens, and -promising settings of their White Orpington and White Wyandotte eggs to -the commuters, and they began to be really annoying. They would stand -at the fence, hollow-eyed and hungry-looking, staring into my yard, and -when I passed they would make slighting remarks about me and the lack of -decision in my character. They said sneeringly that they did not believe -I would ever get any chickens. - -“You, Millington, and you, Rolfs,” I said firmly, “should remember one -thing: I am the man who is getting these chickens, and the main thing in -raising chickens is to start right. I do not want to go into this thing -hastily and then regret it all my life. If you do not like my way, all -you have to do is to build coops yourselves and buy chickens and raise -them yourselves. Be patient. Every day I am learning more about chickens -from your conversations on the train, and when I do get my chickens you -will find I have profited by your suggestions.” - -Millington and Rolfs had to be satisfied with that, so far as I was -concerned, for although I spoke to Isobel frequently on the subject of -chickens she had not changed. I silenced Millington by telling him I -would have chickens long before he ever succeeded in taking Isobel and -me to Port Lafayette in his automobile. - -“If that is all you are waiting for,” he said, “we will start -to-morrow,” and so we did; but that was all. - -Millington and Rolfs, during the winter, worked off some of their -surplus chicken energy writing letters to the poultry periodicals. My -friends in town began asking me why I did not keep chickens when I -lived near to such chicken experts as Rolfs and Millington, by whose -experience I could profit; but the worst came one day on the train when -Rolfs actually had the assurance to offer me a setting of his White -Wyandotte eggs. I blame Rolfs and Millington for acting in this way. No -man should brag about chickens he has not; I only bragged about those I -meant to get. - -By the time spring put forth her tender leaves, Rolfs and Millington -were so deep in their imaginary chicken business that they talked -nothing else, and all their spare time was spent in my yard, urging me -to hurry a little and get the chickens. - -“I wish you would hurry a bit in getting those chickens of mine,” - Millington would say; “I ought to have at least ten hens sitting by this -time.” And then Rolfs would say: “He is right about that. Unless you get -my White Wyandottes soon, the chicks will not be hatched out before -cold weather. I ought to have the hens on the eggs now.” Occasionally I -mentioned chickens in an off-hand way to Isobel, but she had not changed -her views. - -“Now, Isobel,” I would say, “about chickens--” - -At the word “chickens” Isobel would look at me reproachfully, and I -would end meekly: “About chickens, as I was saying. Don't you think we -could have a pair of broilers to-morrow?” - -As a matter of fact, this happened so often that I began to hate the -sight of a broiled chicken, and was forced to mention roast chicken once -in a while. It was after one of these times that the event happened that -stirred all Westcote. - -I had reached a point where I dodged Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington when -I saw them, in order to avoid their insistent clamour for chickens, when -one evening Isobel met me at the door with a smile. - -“John!” she cried. “What do you think! Our chicken laid an egg!” - -“Chicken?” I asked anxiously. “Did you say chicken?” - -“And I am going to give you the egg for dinner,” cried Isobel joyfully. -“Just think, John! Our own egg, laid by our own chicken! Do you want -it fried, or boiled, or scrambled?” - -“Isobel,” I demanded, “what is the meaning of all this?” - -“I just could not kill the hen,” Isobel ran on, “after it had been -so--so friendly. Could I? I felt as if I would be killing one of the -family.” - -“People do get to feeling that way about chickens when they keep them,” - I said insinuatingly. “Why, Isobel, I have known wives to love chickens -so warmly--wives that had never cared a snap for chickens before--wives -that hated chickens--and they grew to love chickens so well that as -soon as the coop was made--of course it was a nice, clean, airy coop, -Isobel--and the dear little fluffy chicks began to peep about--” - -Isobel stiffened. - -“John,” she said finally “you are not going to keep chickens!” - -“Certainly not!” I agreed hastily. - -“But of course we can't kill Spotty,” said Isobel. “I call her Spotty -because that seems such a perfect name for her. I telephoned for a -roaster this morning, because you suggested having a roaster for dinner, -John, and when the roaster came it was a _live_ chicken! Imagine!” - -“Horrors!” I exclaimed. - -“I should think so!” agreed Isobel. “So there was nothing to do but -'phone the grocer to come and get the live roaster, but when I 'phoned, -his grandmother was much worse, and the store was closed until she -got better--or worse--and I couldn't bear to see the poor thing in the -basket with its legs tied all that time, for there is no telling how -long an old person like a grandmother will remain in the same condition, -so I loosened the roaster in the cellar, and at a quarter past four I -heard it cluck. It had laid an egg. I knew that the moment I heard it -cluck.” - -“Isobel,” I said, “you were born to be the wife of a chicken fancier! -You shall eat that egg!” - -“No, John,” she said, “you shall eat it. It is our first real egg, laid -by our dear little Spotty, and you shall eat it.” - -“No, Isobel,” I began, and then, as I saw how determined she was, I -compromised. “Let us have the egg scrambled,” I said, “and each of us -eat a part.” - -“Very well,” said Isobel, “if you will promise not to kill Spotty. We -will keep her forever and forever!” - -I agreed. Isobel kissed me for that. - -After we had eaten the egg--and both Isobel and I agreed that it was -really a superior egg--we went down cellar and looked at Spotty. I -should say she was a very intelligent-looking hen, but homely. There was -nothing flashy about her. She was the kind of hen a man might enter -in the Sweepstakes class, and not get a prize, and then enter in the -Consolation class and not get a prize, and then enter for the Booby -prize and still be outclassed, and then enter in the Plain Old Barnyard -Fowl class and not get within ten miles of a prize, and then be taken -to the butcher as a Boarding House Broiler, and be refused on account of -age, tough looks, and emaciation. - -She was no pampered darling of the hen house, but a plain old -Survival-of-the-Fittest Squawker; the kind of hen that along about the -first of May begins clucking in a vexed tone of voice, flies over the -top of a two-story bam, and wanders off somewhere into the tall grass -back of the cow pasture, to appear some weeks later with twelve chicks -of twelve assorted patterns, ranging from Shanghai-bantam to plain -yellow nondescript. She was a good, durable hen of the old school, with -a wary, startled eye, an extra loud squawk, and a brain the size of a -grain of salt. - -Spotty was the sort of hen that could go right along day after day -without steam heat or elevators in her coop and manage to make a living. -As soon as I saw her, my heart swelled with pride, for I knew I had -secured a very rare variety of hen. Since every man that can tell a -chicken from an ostrich--and some that can't--has become a chicken -fancier, the aristocratic, raised-by-hand, pedigree fowl has become as -common as dirt, and it is indeed difficult to secure a genuine mongrel -hen. I was elated. As nearly as I could judge by first appearances, I -was the owner of one of the most mongrel hens that ever laid a plain, -omelette-quality egg. - -When I had made a coop by nailing a few slats across the front of a soap -box, and had nailed Spotty in, I took the coop under my arm and went -into the back yard. Mr. Millington was there, and Mr. Rolfs was there, -and they were arguing angrily about the respective merits of White -Wyandottes and White Orpingtons, but when they saw me they uttered two -loud cries of joy and ran to meet me. I tried to cling to the coop, but -they wrested it from me and together carried it in triumph to the north -corner and set it on the grass. Mr. Millington pulled his compass from -his pocket and set the coop exactly as advised by “The Complete Poultry -Guide,” with the bars facing the morning sun, and Rolfs hurried into the -back lot and hunted up a piece of bone, which he crushed with a brick -and placed in the coop, as advised by “The Gentleman Poultry Fancier.” - He told us that a supply of bone was most necessary if he expected his -hen to lay eggs, and that he knew this hen of his was going to be a -great layer. He said he had given the egg question years of study, and -that he could tell a good egger when he saw one. - -[Illustration: 135] - -Millington told me his coop was not as he had meant it to be, but said -it would do until he could get one built according to scientific poultry -principles. He pointed out that the poultry coop should be heated by -steam, and showed me that there was no room in the soap box for a steam -heating plant. He said he would not trust his flock of chickens through -the winter unless there was steam heating installed. - -Then Rolfs and Millington said they guessed the first thing to do, as it -was so late in the season, was to set their hen immediately, and as it -would probably take Spotty thirteen days to lay enough eggs, they told -me to run down to the delicatessen store and buy thirteen eggs, while -they arranged a scientific nest in the corner of their coop, for sitting -purposes. When I suggested that perhaps Spotty was not ready to set, -they laughed at me. They said they could see I would never make a -prosperous chicken farmer if I put off until to-morrow what the hen -ought to do to-day, and that a hen that ought to set, and would not -set, must be made to set. Millington said that he did not mind if Spotty -wanted to lay. If she felt so, she could go ahead and lay while she was -taking her little rests between sets. He said that in that way she would -be doubly useful and that, judging by appearances, she was the kind of -hen that could do two or three things at the same time. - -Mr. Prawley, when he saw we were going to keep our hen, came out and -spoke to Mr. Millington, Mr. Rolfs, and me. He said he had an aversion -to hens, but that if I insisted he would devote some of his time to the -hen, but Mr. Millington, Mr. Rolfs, and I assured him we would not need -his help. We felt that the three of us, with occasional aid from Isobel, -could manage that hen. - -The next day Mr. Millington and Mr. Rolfs were so swelled with pride -that they would not speak to me on the train. Millington did not ask -me, that entire day, to take a little run up to Port Lafayette in his -automobile. I heard him tell one man on the train to town that he had -just set his eighteen prize White Orpingtons, and I heard Rolfs tell -another man, at the same time, about a coop he had just had made for -his White Wyandottes. He drew a sketch of it on the back of an envelope, -showing the location of the heating plant, the location of the gasoline -brooders, and the battery of eight electric incubators. He said he saw -but one mistake he had made, which was that he had had a gravel roof put -on. It should have been slate. He was afraid the hens would fly up onto -the roof and eat the gravel for digestive purposes, and if a lot of -tarry gravel got in their craws and stuck together in a lump, his hens -would suffer from indigestion. But he said he meant to have the gravel -roof taken off at once, regardless of cost, but he had not quite decided -on a slate roof. One of the slates might become loosened and fall and -kill one of his prize White Wyandottes, which he held at seventy-five -dollars each. If he could avoid the tar trouble, Rolfs said, he ought -to have twelve hundred laying hens by the end of the summer, besides the -broilers he would sell. He said he was going straight to a distinguished -chemist when he reached town to learn if there was any dissolvent that -would dissolve tar in a chicken's craw, without harming the craw. - -Then Millington drew a sketch of the automatic heat regulator he was -having made to attach to his heating apparatus. He said that ever since -he had been keeping poultry he had made a study of coop heating, and -that the trouble with most coops was that they were either too hot or -too cold. He said a cold coop meant that the chickens got chilly and -exhausted their vitality growing thick feathers when all their strength -should have been used in egg-laying, and that a hot coop meant that the -chickens felt lax and indolent. A hot coop enervated a chicken and made -it too lazy to lay eggs, Millington said, but this regulator he was -having made would keep the heat at an even temperature, summer and -winter, and render the hens bright and cheerful and inclined to do their -best. Millington explained that this was especially necessary with White -Orpingtons, which are great eaters and consequently more inclined toward -nervous dyspepsia, which makes a hen moody. He was going on in this way, -and every one was hanging on his words, when he happened to say that one -thing he always attended to most particularly was the state of his hens' -teeth. He said he had, so far, avoided dyspepsia in his hens, by keeping -their teeth in good condition. Every one knew poor teeth caused stomach -troubles. - -That was the end of Millington. Rolfs had been green with jealousy -because so many commuters were listening to Millington, and the moment -Millington mentioned teeth Rolfs sneered. - -“How many teeth do White Orpingtons have, Millington?” he asked. - -“I did not know they had any.” - -Then Millington saw his mistake, and did his best to explain that as a -rule chickens had no teeth, but that he had, by a process of selection, -created a strain that had eighteen teeth, nine above and nine below, -but no one believed him, and Rolfs was crowing over him when he made -his mistake. He was bragging that he never made a mistake of that kind, -because he knew hens never got indigestion in any such way. All that was -necessary he said, was to let them have plenty of exercise, and to let -them out once in a while for a good fly. He said he let his hens out -once every three days, so they could fly from tree to tree. - -Then Millington asked, sneeringly, how high his hens could fly, and -Rolfs said they were in such good condition they thought nothing of -flying to the top of a forty-foot elm tree, and Millington sneered and -said any one could guess what kind of White Wyandottes Rolfs had, when -a common White Wyandotte is so heavy it cannot fly over a rake handle. -That was the end of Rolfs, and I was glad of it, for the two of them -had been getting enough reputation on the strength of my chickens. They -sneaked out of the smoking car, and at last I had a chance to say a few -words, modestly of course, about my splendid group of six hundred Buff -Leghorns. I did not brag, as Millington and Rolfs had bragged, but -stated facts coldly and calmly, and my words met the attention they -deserved, for I was not speaking without knowledge, as Millington and -Rolfs had spoken, but as a man who owns a hen can speak. - -I reached home that evening in a pleasant state of mind, for I knew how -kind hearted Isobel is, and I knew she would see, if I placed it before -her, that it was extremely cruel to keep a hen in solitary confinement, -when the hen had probably been accustomed to a great deal of society. -I felt sure that in a few days Isobel would order me to purchase enough -more poultry to allow Spotty to lead a pleasant and sociable life. But -when Isobel met me at the gate she disheartened me. - -She said the grocer's grandmother had not been seriously ill, after -all; she had been in a mere comatose condition, and had come to, and the -grocer had come back, and he had called and taken Spotty. He offered to -kill her--Spotty, not Isobel or his grandmother--but Isobel could not -bear to eat Spotty so soon after she had been a member of our family, -so the grocer took Spotty away and sent up another roaster. At least -he said it was another, but after I had carved it I had my doubts. In -general strength and durability the roaster and Spotty were one. - -The next morning, when I went out to see if Mr. Prawley had hoed the -garden properly, I found Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington leaning over my -fence. They were unabashed. - -“I have just been looking over your place,” said Rolfs, “and I must say -it is a most admirably located place on which to keep a cow. And if you -want any suggestions on cow-keeping, you may call on me at any time. I -have studied the cow, in all her moods and tenses, for years.” - -“Nonsense!” said Millington. “A man is foolish to try to keep live -stock. Live stock is subject to all the ills--” - -“Such as toothache!” sneered Rolfs. - -“All the ills of man and beast,” continued Millington. “What you want is -an automobile. Now I will sell mine--” - -“No!” I said positively. - -“You only say that because you do not know my automobile as I know it,” - said Millington. “It is a wonder, that machine is. Now, I propose that -to-morrow you and your wife take a little run up to Port Lafayette with -me and my wife. After the cares of chicken raising--” - -“Very well, Millington,” I said, “we will go to Port Lafayette!” - - - - -VII. CHESTERFIELD WHITING - - -THE next morning Millington came over bright and early, and his face was -aglow with joy. - -“Get ready as quickly as you can,” he said, “for I will be ready to -start for Port Lafayette in a few minutes. The automobile is in perfect -order, and we should have a splendid trip. She isn't knocking at all.” - This knocking, which was located in the motor-case, or hood, was one of -the most reliable noises of all those for which Millington listened when -he started the engine of his automobile. He was very fond of it, and it -was one of the heartiest knockings I ever heard in an automobile. It was -like the hiccoughs, only more strenuous. It was as if a giant had been -shut in the motor by mistake and was trying to knock the whole affair -to pieces. The knock came about every eight seconds, lightly at -first, getting stronger and stronger until it made the fore-end of the -automobile bounce up a foot or eighteen inches at each knock. - -Millington loved all the sounds of trouble, but this knocking gave him -the most pleasure and put him in his pleasantest mood, for he could -never quite discover the cause of it. When everything else was in -perfect order the knock remained. He would do everything any man could -think of to cure it, but the machine would continue to knock. I remember -he even went so far as to put a new inner tube in a tire once, to see -if that would have any effect, but it did not. But there were plenty -of other noises, too. Millington once told me he had classified and -scheduled four hundred and eighteen separate noises of disorder that -he had heard in that one automobile, and that did not include any that -might be another noise for the same disorders. And some days he would -hear the whole four hundred and eighteen before we had gone a block. -Those were his happy days. - -But this morning Millington came over bright and early. Isobel was just -putting a cake in the oven, and she only took time to tell Jane, or -Sophie, or whoever happened to be our maid that week, that she would be -back in time to take the cake out, and then we went over to Millington's -garage. - -Mrs. Millington, was already in the automobile, and Isobel and I got in, -and Millington opened the throttle and the machine ran down the road to -the street as lightly and skimmingly as a swallow. It glided into the -street noiselessly and headed for Port Lafayette like a thing alive. I -noticed that Millington looked anxious, but I thought nothing of it at -the time. His brow was drawn into a frown, and from moment to moment -he pulled his cap farther and farther down over his eyes. He leaned far -over the side of the car. He listened so closely that his ears twitched. - -Mrs. Millington and Isobel were chatting merrily on the rear seat, and -I was just turning to cast them a word, when the car came to a stop. -I turned to Milllington instantly, ready to catch the pleasant bit of -humour he usually let fall when he began to dig out his wrenches and -pliers, but his face wore a glare of anger. His jaws were set, and -he was muttering low, intense curses. I have seldom seen a man more -demoniacal than Millington was at that moment. I asked him, merrily, -what was the matter with the old junk shop this time, but instead of his -usual chipper repartee, that “the old tea kettle has the epizootic,” he -gave me one ferocious glance in which murder was plainly to be seen. - -Without a word he began walking around the automobile, eyeing it -maliciously, and every time he passed a tire he kicked it as hard as -he could. Then he began opening all the opening parts, and when he had -opened them all and had peered into them long and angrily he went over -to the curb and sat down and swore. Isobel and Mrs. Millington politely -stuffed their handkerchiefs in their ears, but I went over to Millington -and spoke to him as man to man. - -“Millington,” I said severely, “calm down! I am surprised. Time and -again I have started for Port Lafayette with you, and time and again we -have paused all day while you repaired the automobile. Much as I have -wished to go to Port Lafayette I have never complained, because you have -always been better company while repairing the machine than at any other -time. But this I cannot stand. If you continue to act this way I shall -never again go toward Port Lafayette with you. Brace up, and repair the -machine.” - -Millington's only answer was a curse. - -I was about to take him by the throat and teach him a little better -manners when he arose and walked over to the machine again. He got in -and started the motor, and listened intently while I ran alongside. -Then, with a great effort he controlled his feelings and spoke. - -“Ladies,” he said between his teeth, “we shall have to postpone going -to Port Lafayette. I am afraid to drive this car any farther. There is -something very, very serious the matter with it.” - -Then, when the women had disappeared, my wife walking rapidly so as to -arrive at home before her cake was scorched, Millington turned to me. - -“John,” he said with emotion, “you must excuse the feeling I showed. -I was upset; I admit that I was overcome. I have owned this car four -years, but in all that time, although I have started for Port Lafayette -nearly every day, the car has never behaved as it has just behaved. I am -a brave man, John, and I have never been afraid of a motor-car before, -but when my car acts as this car has just acted, I _am_ afraid!” - -I could see he was speaking the truth. His face was white about the -mouth, and the tense lines showed he was nerving himself to do his duty. -His voice trembled with the intensity of his self-control. - -“John,” he said, taking my hand, “were you listening to the car?” - -“No,” I had to admit. “No, Millington, I was not. I am ashamed to say -it, but at the moment my mind was elsewhere. But,” I added, as if in -self defence, “I am pretty sure I did not hear that knocking. I remember -quite distinctly that I was not holding on to anything, and when the -engine knocks--But what did you hear?” - -A shiver of involuntary fear passed over Millington, and he lowered his -voice to a frightened whisper. He glanced fearfully at the automobile. - -“Nothing!” he said. - -“What?” I cried. I could not hide my astonishment and, I am afraid, -my disbelief. I would not, for the world, have had Millington think I -thought he was prevaricating. - -“Not a thing!” he repeated firmly. “Not a sound; not one bad symptom. -Every--everything was running just as it should--just as they do in -other automobiles.” - -“Millington!” I said reproachfully. - -“It is the truth!” he declared. “I swear it is the truth. Nothing seemed -broken or about to break. I could not hear a sound of distress, or a -symptom of disorder. Do you wonder I was overcome?” - -“Millington,” I said seriously, “this is no light matter. I shall not -accuse you of wilfully lying to me, but I know your automobile, and I -cannot believe your automobile could proceed four hundred feet without -making noises of internal disorder. It is evident to me that your -hearing is growing weak; you may be threatened with deafness.” At this -Millington seemed to cheer up considerably, for deafness was something -he could understand. I proposed that we both get into the automobile -again, and I, too, would listen. So we did. It was almost pathetic, it -was most pathetic, to see the way Millington looked up into my face to -see what verdict I would give when he started the motor. - -My verdict was the very worst possible. We ran a block at low speed -and I could hear no trouble. We ran a block at second speed, and no -distressful noise did I hear. We ran two blocks at high speed, with -no noise but the soft purring of motors and machinery. As Millington -brought the automobile to a stop we looked at each other aghast. It -was true, too true, _nothing was the matter with the automobile!_ It -sparked, it ignited, it did everything a perfect automobile should do, -just as a perfect automobile should do it. We got out and stared at the -automobile silently. - -“John,” said Millington at length, “you can easily see that I would -not dare to start on a long trip like that to Port Lafayette when my -automobile is acting in this unaccountable manner. It would be the most -foolhardy recklessness. When this machine is running in an absolutely -perfect manner, almost anything may be the matter with it. My -own opinion is that a spell has been cast over it, and that it is -bewitched.” - -“I never knew it to come as far as this without stopping,” I said, “and -to come this far without a single annoying noise makes me sure we should -not attempt Port Lafayette to-day in this car. I shall take a little -jaunt into the country behind my horse, and--” - -“But don't go to Port Lafayette,” pleaded Millington. “Perhaps the -automobile will be worse to-morrow. If she only develops some of the -noises I am familiar with I shall not be afraid of her.” - -One of the pleasures of being a suburbanite is that you can have a -horse, and one of the pleasures of having a horse is that you keep off -the main roads when you go driving, lest the automobiles get you and -your horse into an awful mess. In driving up cross roads and down back -roads you often run across things you would like to own--things the -automobilist never sees--and Isobel and I had heard of a genuine Windsor -chair of ancient lineage. I imagine the chair may have been almost as -old as our horse. When Mr. Millington told me we could not go to Port -Lafayette in his automobile that day, I hurried home and had Mr. Prawley -harness Bob, and it was that day, when we were hunting the Windsor -chair, that we ran across Chesterfield Whiting. Since Isobel had begun -to like suburban life, she liked it as only a convert could, and the -moment she saw Chesterfield Whiting she declared we must, by all means, -keep a pig, and that Chesterfield Whiting was the pig we must keep. - -Personally I was not much in favour of keeping a pig. I like things that -pay dividends more frequently. I would not give much for a vegetable -garden that had to be planted in the spring, worked all summer, -tended all fall, and that only yielded its product in the winter. -I prefer a garden that gives a vegetable once in awhile. Mine does -that--it gives a vegetable every once in awhile. But a pig is a slow -dividend payer. - -I had noticed that Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington had never urged me to -get a pig. Whenever I mentioned pig they mentioned various deadly and -popular pig diseases. They had urged me to garden, and to keep chickens, -and a horse, and a cow, and even an automobile--Millington urged me to -keep his--but never a pig! I would not hint that Rolfs and Millington -were selfish, or that they hoped to receive, now and then, milk from my -cow, eggs from my chickens, or radishes from my garden, but a neighbour -may profit in that way. On the other hand, the neighbour never profits -from the suburban pig. I believe now, however, that Rolfs and Millington -wished me to have things that would pay as they went. - -But the moment Isobel saw the pig she said we must have him, because he -was so cute. I had never thought of buying a pig because it was cute -any more than I would have thought of buying a spring bonnet because it -would fatten well for winter killing, but I yielded to Isobel. - -Isobel said the idea of a pig being a nuisance was all nonsense, for she -had been reading a magazine that was largely devoted to pigs and similar -objects loved by country gentlemen, and that modern science proved -beyond a doubt that the cleaner the pig the happier it was. She said a -pig could not be too clean, and that if a pig was kept perfectly tidy no -one could object to it. - -“John,” she said, “there is no reason in the world why a pig should not -be as clean as a new pin. The magazine says that if a pig is usually of -a coarse, disgruntled nature, it is only because it is kept in coarse, -brutalizing surroundings, and treated like a pig. If a pig is put amidst -sweetness and light, the pig's nature will be sweet and light, and the -pig will be sweet and light.” - -I suggested gently that a pig, all things considered, was usually -counted a failure if it was a light pig, and that experts had decided in -favour of the pig that became heavy and soggy. - -“What I mean,” said Isobel, “is light in spirit, not light in weight.” - -We were looking over the fence of a farm when we held this little -conversation, and Chesterfield Whiting was sporting on the clean, green -clover, amidst his brothers, quite unconscious that he was so soon to be -separated from them and lose their companionship. We had been attracted -to him by a very hand-made sign that announced “Pigs for Sale.” - Chesterfield was an extremely clean pig, and I must admit that I was -rather taken by his looks myself, and when we drove around to the farm -house I was surprised to learn how inexpensive a pig of tender years -is, and I bought the pig. It is hard for me to deny Isobel these little -pleasures. - -On our way home Isobel and I talked of the future of Chesterfield, and -we resolved that his life should be one grand, sweet song, as the -poet says, and we had hardly started homeward than it appeared as if -Chesterfield meant to attend to the song feature of his life himself. I -never imagined a pig would feel his separation from his native place -so keenly. He began to mourn in a keen treble key the moment the farmer -grabbed him, uttering long, sharp wails of sorrow, and he kept it up. -Automobiles with siren horns stopped in the road as we passed, and the -chauffeurs took off their goggles and stared at us. It was very hard for -Isobel to sit up straight in the carriage and look dignified and cool -with Chesterfield wailing out his little soul sorrows under the seat. - -As we neared the outskirts of Westcote, I began to keep an eye out for -pig houses. It seemed to me that in these days of uplift the pig keepers -of a suburb such as ours, peopled by intelligent men and women, would -have the most modern improvements in pig dwellings, and I desired to -make a few mental notes of them as I passed by. If I saw a very modern -pig palace I meant to get out of the carriage and examine minutely the -conveniences installed for the pig's comfort, so that I might reproduce -them. - -Isobel had mentioned casually that a pig dwelling with tile floors and -walls and a shower bath would be quite sanitary, provided the tiles of -the wall met the tiles of the floor in a concave curve, leaving no sharp -angles; but as we journeyed into the village we saw no pig houses of -this kind. In fact we saw no pig houses of any kind. At first this only -annoyed me, then it surprised me, and by the time we were well into the -village it worried me. - -“Isobel,” I said, “I don't like this absence of pigs in this village. -I am afraid there is something wrong here. I don't know what to make of -it. It may be that hog-cholera is epidemic here the year 'round, just as -San José scale kills all the apple trees. Have you seen a single pig?” - -“Not one,” she admitted. “It looks as if there was a law against pigs.” - -I stopped Bob, and looked at Isobel in amazement. - -“Isobel!” I exclaimed. “You must be right! There must be a law against -pigs! I do wish Chesterfield would stop yelling!” - -“John,” said Isobel, “now that I come to think of it I do not believe I -ever saw a pig in all Westcote. I wonder if we couldn't gag Chesterfield -some way? If he howls like that every one will know we have a pig.” - -I gagged the pig. I took Isobel's pink veil and wrapped it firmly around -Chesterfield's nose, and brought the ends around his neck and tied them. -Then I stuck his head into the sleeve of my rain coat and wrapped him in -the coat, and tied it all in the linen dust robe. He was well gagged. - -“Isobel,” I said, as I took up the reins again, “this is a serious -matter. We will have to get rid of this pig, and we will have to do it -quickly. I do not want to get into difficulties with the City of New -York. Keeping a pig in the suburbs is evidently a crime, and it is a -difficult crime to conceal. If I committed a murder and used ordinary -precautions there might be no danger of detection, but a pig speaks for -itself.” - -“Chesterfield does,” said Isobel. “Do you suppose they will put you in -jail?” - -“_Me_ in jail?” I ejaculated. “He is your pig, Isobel.” - -“John,” she said generously, “I give Chesterfield to you.” - -“Isobel,” I said, “I cannot accept the sacrifice. He is your pig.” - -“Well,” she said, “we will go to prison together.” - - - - -VIII. SALTED ALMONDS - -AS WE approached our house, Mr. Millington, who was in his garage, and -Mr. Rolfs, who was on his porch, came to meet us. They looked at the -carriage with suspicion, but I assumed a careless, innocent look, well -calculated to deceive them. They came down to the carriage, and laid -their hands on it, and glanced into it. Mr. Rolfs, with ill-assumed -absent-mindedness, lifted the leather cover of the rear of the carriage -box and glanced in. I was glad we had put Chesterfield Whiting under the -seat. - -“Shall I take in the--” Isobel began, but I cut her words short. - -“No, I will take in your _wraps_,” I said meaningly, and then added: -“Well, good night, Millington; good night, Rolfs.” - -They did not take the hint. They walked beside the carriage as I drove -to the stable, and although Mr. Prawley was able to do the work alone, -and I made some excuse to help him, Rolfs and Millington seemed eager to -help us. - -“I worked two hours over my automobile,” said Millington, “and she is -knocking again as usual. To-morrow, I propose you and I and our wives -will take a little pig up to Port Lafayette--” - -“Pig?” I said. “What do you mean by pig, Millington.” - -“Did I say pig?” said Millington in great confusion. “I meant to say: -'take a little spin.'” - -“John will think you think he is thinking of keeping a pig,” said Rolfs -accusingly to Millington. “He will think you are doubting his sanity. -John would no more keep a pig on this place--” - -“Certainly not!” I cried. “The idea! Keep a pig!” - -“Well, you know,” said Millington, and then stopped. “What is that -squeak?” he asked. - -I knew only too well what that squeak was. It was Chesterfield. - -“That?” I said carelessly. “Oh, that is nothing. My carriage springs -need oiling. Mr. Prawley, don't forget to oil the carriage springs -to-morrow.” - -“Yes, sir,” said Mr. Prawley, “but if I might suggest feeding the--” - -“Ahem!” I said loudly. “Oil the springs, Prawley. To-morrow.” - -“When I said 'take a little pig,'” said Millington, “I meant--” - -“Millington,” I said, “I forgive you! Men will make mistakes--slip of -the tongue--Well, good night!” - -“See here,” said Millington, “I know you feel some resentment.” - -“No I don't! Good night!” I said angrily. - -“Yes you do!” said Millington. “And I'll tell you why. You remember -you mentioned, some time ago, that you thought you would keep a pig? -Personally I would be delighted to have you keep a pig or even a lot of -pigs. You could make an infernal stock yard of your place if you -wanted to. I love pigs. If I could have my way I would have a pig pen -immediately under my window, so that when I awakened in the morning I -could glance down at the happy, contented creatures. Nothing starts -the day so well as to see contented creatures, and there is nothing so -contented as a pig. If I could have my own way I would beg you to build -your pig pen immediately under my window. But I am not a selfish man.” - -“I know you are not, Millington,” I said; “but I am not considering the -purchase of a pig. Good night!” - -“Of course you are not,” said Rolfs, “and I only want to say that if you -do keep a pig you can gratify Millington, for every law of pig culture -demands that you build your pig house against the western fence, and not -against my fence. The pig is a delicate creature, and his pen should be -where the invigorating rays of the morning sun can strike him. Now my -fence is the eastern fence--” - -“And this man Rolfs pretends to be your friend!” exclaimed Millington -sneeringly. - -“Why every one knows that unless a pig has sweet dreams he becomes moody -and listless, and loses interest in life. A pig's place of residence -should always be where the last rays of the sun can strike him--against -the eastern fence. You want to put that pen against Rolf's fence.” - -At this Mr. Rolfs became greatly agitated. He glared at Mr. Millington, -and shook his fist at me. - -“You'll put no pig pen on my side of your yard!” he said threateningly. - -“And you keep your pig pen away from my fence,” said Mr. Millington -hotly. “I am your friend, and I start to Port Lafayette with you day -after day--” - -“Millington,” said Rolfs, calming himself, “we will not have a pig in -this neighbourhood at all. If this fellow attempts to keep a pig we will -have the law on him. That is what we will do!” - -“That is what we will do, Rolfs,” said Millington, “at the first -evidence of a pig we will set the police on him. We won't stand it!” - “Gentlemen,” I said calmly, “I have no intention of keeping a pig. Such -an idea never entered my mind. And as for you, Millington, I know you -now. You have shown yourself as you are. Never again, Millington, shall -I start to Port Lafayette in your automobile. That is final! Good night, -gentlemen!” - -Millington and Rolfs went off arm in arm, and when they were out of -sight I hurriedly rescued Chesterfield Whiting, in all his wrappings, -from under the seat, and rushed him into the house. I let Mr. Prawley -continue to unharness the horse. I told Isobel what my neighbours had -said. Chesterfield, in his gags, lay at my feet. - -“To-morrow, Isobel,” I said, “we must get rid of Chesterfield Whiting. -In the meantime we must keep him a dark secret. We must keep him silent, -or we are lost.” - -Suddenly the dust-robe bundle at our feet began to palpitate violently. -It bounced like a fish out of water, and I made a grab for it. -Chesterfield screamed. I threw myself hastily upon him and wrapped him -in my arms and muzzled the bunch of veil that was his nose with my hand. -As I stood erect again I chanced to glance out of the window, and I saw -Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington in deep conversation with a policeman. From -time to time they turned and glanced at my house. Motioning Isobel to -follow me, I bore Chesterfield to the attic. We closed the windows of -the trunk room in the attic, and locked the door. Then I opened a trunk, -unwrapped Chesterfield and dropped him into the trunk, and shut the lid. -And sat on it. - -[Illustration: 175] - -Isobel peeked out of the window, and told me that the policeman and Mr. -Rolfs and Mr. Millington were staring at our attic windows. - -An ordinary pig would have been glad to be unwrapped and dropped into -a cozy, roomy trunk, but Chesterfield was no ordinary pig. He was a -weeper. First he wailed for his lost home. Then he screamed for his -mother. Then he shrieked for each of his dear little brothers and -sisters individually. Then he opened his lungs and squealed for all of -them at once, and the policeman took out his note-book and wrote down -the number of our house. I realized then that keeping a pig in the -suburbs is attended by difficulties. The theory of keeping your pigs -cheerful and happy is all right in a book, but it is hard to live up -to when the pig is homesick and a policeman with a note-book is on your -front walk. It is well enough for an agricultural writer to sit in -his hall bedroom in the city and scribble about uplifting the pig, -and spiritualizing it, and bathing it, but did he ever try to soothe a -homesick pig in an attic? Did he ever try to bathe a pig in a trunk? Did -he ever try to scatter sunshine in a pig's life when the pig has firmly -made up its mind to mourn? Did he ever try to reason with the pig when -the pig is full of squeal, and has no desire in life but to pour forth -eons and leagues of it? - -When a pig feels like that, it is useless to read it chapters from -Hamilton Wright Mabie's “Essays on Nature and Culture.” Occasionally I -opened the lid of the trunk and looked in to assure myself that there -was but one pig, and not three or four. When a pig reaches the -stage where its eyes become set and stary, and it gives forth long, -soul-piercing wails, it does not want a bath. It does not want sunshine, -nor Bible classes, nor uplift, nor simple life. It wants food. - -The more I studied Chesterfield the more certain I became that if a man -wants to win the affection of a pig he can best do so, not by lifting -the pig over the edge of a porcelain bath tub every few hours to give -it a rub-down, but by standing by with a couple of tons of feed and -shovelling it down the pig with a scoop-shovel. The pig's squawker and -its swallower are one and the same instrument, and the only way to keep -the squawker quiet is to keep the swallower plugged with food. In its -idle hours the pig may long for sweetness and light, but it wants meals -at all hours of the day and night. - -We found that Chesterfield preferred salted almonds to affection. He -began eating salted almonds immediately after we had fed him everything -else in the house that was edible, and by feeding him one almond at a -time Isobel was able to keep him interested. By this means she kept his -mind off his sorrows. He could not weep and chew. - -Time and again, as the hours slipped by, Isobel tested Chesterfield, to -see if he was satisfied, but at each test his sorrow broke forth afresh. -I never knew a pig was so full of sorrows. I would not have believed -that so small a pig, so full of salted almonds, could have room for one -small sorrow. And yet, the moment Isobel ceased feeding him, he would -run around inside the trunk, nosing it and wailing for--I don't know -what he was wailing for! - -About midnight, when Isobel was worn out, I took her place and let her -go to bed. I told her I would feed salted almonds until three, and then -call her, and she could feed until six, while I got a little sleep. -About two o'clock in the morning I gave Chesterfield his eighteenth -drink of water, and when I offered him another salted almond he seemed -languid. He eyed it covetously, opened his mouth, sighed once, and fell -over sideways. His regular breathing told me he had fallen into a deep, -sweet sleep, and I removed my shoes and stole softly downstairs. - -“He has fallen asleep,” I told Isobel, “and I think he will probably -take a good nap. He has had a hard day. I left him quite comfortable -and--” - -“Drink! Almonds! Mother! I'm lone-lee-ee-wee-wee-wee!” wailed -Chesterfield at that instant, and I hurried up to the attic. I threw -open the lid of the trunk, and found him standing on his feet. He was -still asleep, his white-lashed eyes firmly closed in slumber, but his -squealer was working as if he were awake, and when I fed him a salted -almond he munched and swallowed it without awakening, and squealed for -another. He was so sound asleep that he could not even reach out for the -almonds; I had to poke them into his mouth. When I missed his mouth and -dropped the almond on the floor of the trunk he squealed. At last he lay -down comfortably and slept and ate almonds. - -I had one great fear. I was running out of almonds. So I tried him with -wads of newspaper, and found they satisfied him quite as well. I fed him -a complete Sunday newspaper, including the coloured supplement and the -“want” advertisements, before sunrise. I imagine the newspaper was not -very nourishing, for Chesterfield awakened at sunrise with a tremendous -appetite, and let us know, plainly, that he was starving to death. I -fed him my breakfast and Isobel's while Mr. Prawley was digging up what -remained in our vegetable garden, and when Chesterfield had eaten that I -gagged him with the pink veil, and stuffed his head in the sleeve of my -rain coat once more. - -“Isobel,” I said, “the time has at last come when we must cease keeping -pigs. I love to be surrounded by affection, but I believe we have kept -this pig long enough. An attic is no place in which to run a modern -swine industry. It is too far from the nearest bath tub. Bathe him now, -if you would bathe him at all, for he is going back to the farm.” - -“If we packed him in a trunk,” said Isobel thoughtfully, paying no -attention to the bath suggestion, “we might send him back to the farmer -by express, and Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington would never know we had--” - -“That is a good idea,” I said, “except that we do not know the name of -the farmer, and that the Interurban does not deliver express parcels -twelve miles from Westcote--” - -“We might pack him in a suit case,” suggested Isobel. “If we packed him -in the suit case and pretended we were going on a picnic and that the -suit case was our lunch--I suppose Chesterfield will be some one's lunch -some day?” - -“Fine!” I said, and we began pretending we were going on a picnic. I -packed Chesterfield Whiting in the suit case, and then went down and had -Mr. Prawley harness the horse. I noticed that the policeman was still -hanging near our house, and that Mr. Millington was eyeing me from his -porch. - -“Ah! Millington!” I called cheerfully. “Fine day for a picnic! Isobel -and I are just off for one.” - -He came running over immediately. “Admirable!” he cried. “I was just -coming over to suggest that very thing. The automobile is running -beautifully this morning, and we four can run up to Port Lafayette--” - -Port Lafayette! - -“Millington,” I said, assuming an angry tone, “last evening you insulted -me, and you seem to think I will forgive you thus easily. No indeed! -I am not that sort of man, Millington. I will not take Isobel to Port -Lafayette, for I have promised to let you take us there, but we will -go on this picnic behind Bob. And if you see Rolfs just tell him what a -silly ass he made of himself, thinking I would be crazy enough to keep a -pig. I may be some kinds of a fool, Millington, but I am not that kind!” - -I think Millington blushed. He should have blushed. Saying I would keep -a pig, indeed! - -When I returned for Isobel and carried the suit case downstairs I felt -as light-hearted as a boy. Chesterfield was so well muzzled and gagged -that he made no sound whatever, and when I stepped from my door, with -Isobel by my side, I was pleased to see Rolfs stepping from his front -door, and I hailed him. He stopped, but he looked annoyed. - -“If you want to say anything ugly, say it quick,” he said, “for I'm in -a rush to catch a train, and if I just catch it, I can just catch the -ferry, to catch a train for Chicago. I can't stop now--” - -“Get in the buggy,” I said heartily, “we will drive you to the station. -Isobel and I are going on a little picnic. Put your suit case in the -back, with ours. We always carry our lunch in a suit case when we go -picnicing. Hop in!” - -“Well, it is kind of you,” said Rolfs rather sheepishly. “I hope you -did not feel hurt by what I said last night about pigs. I feel rather -strongly about pigs.” - -“Rolfs,” I said as I gathered up the reins, “I am not a man to nurse -hard feelings, but I must say--” - -“Look here!” said Rolfs, “I did not get into this buggy to listen to--” - -“You can get out again,” I said inhospitably, “any time you do not -like straight, honest talk. I mean nothing unneighbourly but when a man -accuses--” - -Without another word Rolfs jumped out, and grabbing his suit case, -walked haughtily away. I could not forbear giving him a little dig. - -“_Bon voyage_, Rolfs,” I called. “Don't get pigs on the brain to-night -again!” and Isobel and I laughed as we drove away. - -When the farmer saw us drive into his yard he seemed surprised, but he -was nice about it. He said he was willing to pay us back half what we -had paid him for Chesterfield Whiting, but we would not hear of it. - -“No,” I said firmly, “we have had our money's worth of pig!” - -Then I opened the suit case. - -It contained, among other things, a suit of pajamas, a tooth brush, four -shirts, six pair of socks, underwear, handkerchiefs, a book entitled -“The Complete Rights of the Citizen,” and twelve collars. But no pig. - -All the articles were of good quality, and most had Rolf's initials -on them. I must say the suit case contained a nice assortment of -haberdashery. But no pig. Not that I blamed Rolfs for not packing a -pig in his suit case, for he was going to Chicago where there are stock -yards full of pigs, if he should happen to want one. And a suit case is -no place for a pig, anyway. Imagine the feelings of a man in a sleeping -car when he has buckled the curtains of his berth around him, and has -partly undressed behind them. And then imagine him reaching down and -opening his suit case, expecting to find a suit of pajamas, and finding, -instead, a pig. Imagine him when the pig--a Chesterfield Whiting -pig--springs lightly forth and gives voice to his homesickness! - -[Illustration: 185] - - - - -IX. THE ROYAL GAME OR SEVERAL DAYS AFTER THE PIG EPISODE - -I refused to start for Port Lafayette in Millington's automobile, -although he used to lean over the fence and beg me almost tearfully, -but one fine morning he came over, and he looked so haggard and careworn -that I took pity on him. - -“John,” he said, as he led me to his garage, which was on the back of -his lot, “I am sure this automobile of mine is bewitched. I cannot think -of anything else that would make it behave as an automobile in good -health should, and I give you my word of honour that it is acting in -perfect rhythm, never slipping a cog nor missing fire. Of course, with -the machine behaving in that unaccountable manner, I would not dare to -start for Port Lafayette, but I want to run you around to the Country -Club. You ought to be in our Country Club, and I want you to see it, and -I want you to tell me what you think about this automobile of mine. I -can't understand it!” - -I have often noticed three things: I have noticed that a boy is never -really happy until he owns a dog; I have noticed that a flat-dweller is -never content until he owns a phonograph; but above all I have -noticed that the commuter--the man that lives in the sweet-scented, -tree-embowered suburbs--is restless and uneasy until he joins the -Country Club. So I accepted Millington's invitation. - -We ran out of his yard and half a block up the street, Millington -listening carefully all the while, and we could not hear a sound of -distress in any part of the automobile. Millington stopped the car and -got out. - -“I am going to walk to the Club,” he said. “I won't trust myself in that -car. As for you, as it was entirely for your sake I proposed this little -run to the Club, I am going to put the machine in your charge, and -you are to run it around the block until it resumes its normal bad -condition. From what I know of you and the remarks you have made while I -have tried to repair the engine, I believe you will soon have it making -all sorts of noises, and,” he added, “perhaps it will be making a noise -it never made before.” - -Then he showed me how to start, and what to touch if a tree or telephone -post got in my way, and then he went on to the Country Club. - -I was much touched by this evidence of Millington's faith in my ability -to bring out the bad points of his automobile, and as soon as he -disappeared I set to work, and I had hardly gone twice around the block -before I had it knocking more loudly than ever I had heard it knock. But -I was resolved to show Millington that his trust was not misplaced, -and I ran the nose of the machine into a tree, threw on the high speed -suddenly until I heard a grinding noise that told me the gears were -stripped. Then I left the car there and walked on to the Country Club. - -A Country Club is an institution conducted for the purpose of securing -as many new members as possible, in order that their initiation fees may -pay for the upkeep of the golf green. Aside from this, the object of the -club is to enable the men that mow the grass to make an honest living by -selling the golf balls they find while mowing the grass. - -The Membership Committee, on which Millington served, is a small body of -men whose duty it is to learn, as soon as possible, who that new man is -that moved into Billing's house, and to get twenty dollars in initiation -fees from him, before he has spent all his money for mosquito screens. - -When Millington said to me, in the way members of Country Clubs have, -“_You_ ought to be in our Country Club,” I was tickled. I did not -know then that Millington was on the membership committee, and his -willingness to admit me to fellowship seemed to show that I had been -promptly recognized as a desirable citizen of Westcote; a man worth -knowing; one of the inner circle of desirables. What more fully -convinced me was the eagerness of Mr. Rolfs. - -“We _must_ have you in,” said Rolfs. “I have been speaking to several -of the members about you, and they are all enthusiastic about taking you -in. Of course, our green is a little ragged just now, but when we get -your mon--when--of course, the green is a little ragged just now, but we -expect to have it trimmed soon, very soon.” - -Isobel was delighted when I told her I contemplated joining the Country -Club. She said it would do me all the good in the world to play a game -of golf now and then, and when I mentioned that I thought of taking -family membership, which would admit her to all the club privileges, she -was more than pleased. So were Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington. I forget -how many more dollars a family membership cost. They shook hands with -me warmly, and Millington said something to Rolfs about their now being -able to dump another load or two of sand on the bunker at the sixth -hole. They also said the ladies would be delighted. Many, they said, had -asked them why Isobel had not joined. - -Then they mentioned earnestly that the initiation fee and the first -year's dues were payable immediately. They even offered to send in my -check for the amount with my membership application. - -I had never played golf, but Millington said he would lend me an -excellent book on the game, written by one of the great players, and -Rolfs offered to pick me out a set of clubs. He was enthusiastic when we -went to the shop where clubs were sold, and I must say he did not allow -the clerk to foist off on me any old-fashioned, shopworn clubs. He said -with pride, as we left the shop, that, so far as he knew, every club I -had secured was absolutely new in model, and that not one club in the -lot was of a kind ever seen on the Westcote course before. Some he said, -he was sure had never been seen on any course anywhere. - -He said my putter would create great excitement when it appeared on the -course. I must give him credit for being right. The putter was, perhaps, -too much like a brass sledge-hammer to be graceful, and I found later -that it worked much better as a croquet mallet than as a tool for -putting a golf ball into a hole, but it was fine advertisement for a new -member. Members who might never have noticed me at all began to speak -of me immediately. They referred to me as “that fellow that Rolfs got to -buy the idiotic putter.” - -The golf course at our Westcote Country Club is one of the best I have -ever seen. It is almost free from those irregularities of ground that -make so many golf courses fretful. In selecting the ground the Committee -had in mind, I think, a billiard table, but as it was impossible -to secure a sufficiently large plot of ground as level as that near -Westcote, they secured the most level they could and then went over it -with a steam grader. The envious members of the Oakland Club speak of it -as the Westcote Croquet Grounds. - -The first day I appeared at the club I saw that golf was indeed a -difficult game, particularly after Mr. Millington had explained how it -was worked. He began by remarking that, of course, I could not expect to -do much with “that bunch of crazy scrap iron”--that being the manner in -which he referred to the up-to-date clubs Rolfs had selected for -me--and that no man who knew anything about golf ever used the -red-white-and-pink polka-dot balls, which were the kind Rolfs had -advised me to buy. Then he looked through my clubs scornfully and -selected my putter. - -“Usually,” he said ironically, “we begin with a driver, and drive the -ball as far as we can from this place, which is called the driving -green, but I think this tool, in your hands, will do as well as anything -else in your collection of kitchen cutlery. What do you call this tool, -anyway?” - -I looked at the label on the handle and read it. I told Millington it -was a putter, but he would not believe me. I showed him the label, which -said quite plainly “putter,” but he was still skeptical. He did not -deny positively that it was a putter; he merely said, “Well, if this -instrument of torture is a putter, I'll eat it.” - -[Illustration: 201] - -Mr. Millington then made a little mound of sand which he took from the -green sandbox, and set one of my golf balls on top of the mound. This, I -soon learned, is called “teeing” the ball. - -“Now,” said Mr. Millington, “I will explain the game. When the ball is -teed as you see it here, you take the club and hit the ball so it will -travel low and straight through the air as far as possible toward that -red flag you see yonder. The ball will alight on the fair green. You -follow it, and hit it again, and it should then alight fairly and -squarely on the putting-green. You then follow it, take the pole that -bears the flag out of the hole you will find there, and gently knock -your ball into the hole. That is all there is to the game.” - -“But what shall I do,” I asked, “if my first knock at the ball carries -it beyond the flag?” - -Mr. Millington glanced at the patent putter I held in my hand, and -sighed. - -“Excuse me,” he said, “but the rules of the game permit one to grasp the -club with both hands.” - -“I guess,” I said airily, “until I get the swing of it I will grasp the -club with one hand. I only use one hand in playing croquet.” - -“In that case,” said Mr. Millington, “if you knock the ball past the -flag I will eat the flag. I will also eat the ball. Also the thing you -call a putter. If you knock the ball half way to the flag, I will eat -all the grass on this golf course.” - -“Be careful, Millington,” I warned him. “You may have to eat that grass. -Now, stand back and let me have a fair whack at the ball.” - -With that I swung the putter around my head two or three times, to -gather the necessary impetus, and then hit the ball a terrible whack. I -put my full strength into the blow, for I wanted to show Millington that -I had the making of a golfer in me; but when my putter ceased revolving -around me Millington seemed unimpressed. I put my hand above my eyes and -gazed into the far distance, hoping to catch sight of the ball when it -alighted. But I did not see it. - -[Illustration: 205] - -“Millington,” I said, “did you see where that ball went?” - -“I did,” he said, turning to the left. “It went over there, into that -tall grass. It is a lost ball. Every ball that goes into that tall grass -is gone forever. I have never known any one to recover a ball that fell -in that tall grass.” - -Then he stepped proudly to the sand-box and made another tee. - -“Hand me a ball,” he said, “and I will show you the proper way to hit -it.” - -I gave him a ball and he placed it carefully on the tee. Then he -grasped his driver in both hands, snuggled the head of it up to the ball -lovingly, drew back the club and struck the ball. I was not quick enough -to see the ball go, but Millington was. - -“Fine!” he exclaimed. “I sliced it a little, but I must have got good -distance. I must have driven that ball two hundred yards.” - -“But where did it go?” I asked. - -“Well,” said Millington, “I did slice it a little. It went off there to -the right, into that tall grass. It is a lost ball. I have never known -any one to recover a ball that fell in that tall grass. But let me have -another ball and I will show you--” - -I told Millington I guessed I would lose a couple of balls myself while -I had a few left, if it was not against the rules. He said no, a player -could lose as many as he wished; in fact many players lost more than -they wished. - -I found this to be so. We played around the nine holes and I made a -score of 114, and Millington was delighted. He said it was a splendid -score to turn in to the handicapping committee, and that he wished he -could make a large, safe score like that. He said no one in the club had -ever made more than 110 and that the average was about 45. Then he said -I need not lose hope, for at any rate I had not lost a ball at every -stroke. He said he had imagined when he saw me play that I would lose -a ball at every stroke, for my style of playing--my “form” he called -it--was the sort that ought to lose me one ball for every stroke. - -When I reached home I found Isobel awaiting me, and, without thinking, I -blurted out that I had lost thirty-eight golf balls. Her mouth hardened. - -“John,” she said, “I have been talking with Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs. -Millington about this game of golf, and what they say has given me an -entirely different opinion of it. When I advised you to take it up I had -no idea it was a gambling game, but they both tell me the matches are -often played for a stake of balls. Mrs. Rolfs says her husband has -accumulated eighty balls in this way, and Mrs. Millington says her -husband has laid up a store of over fifty. And now, when you come home -and tell me you have lost, in one afternoon, thirty-eight golf balls, at -a cost of fifty cents each, I feel that golf is a wicked, sinful game. I -do not want to seem severe, but I do not approve of gambling, and if you -continue to lose so many golf balls you will have to give up the game.” - - - - -X. ADVANCED GOLF - - -THAT evening Millington dropped over to chat for a few minutes, and he -was in good spirits. He told me he had found the automobile where I had -left it with its nose against the tree, and that it had been necessary -to hire a team to pull it home. Isobel said she would never forget the -pleased expression on Millington's face as he saw the helpless machine -being towed into his yard, and between what both of them said I felt -rightly proud at having lifted such a load from his mind. - -“Now,” said Millington cheerfully, “we can all start for Port Lafayette -in the morning. I will get up at four to-morrow morning and tinker -at the motor, and by nine, or ten at the latest, we will be ready to -start.” - -At ten the next morning, therefore, Isobel and I went over to -Millington's garage, but our first glimpse of him told us all was not -well. He was sitting on the garage step with his head buried in his -arms, while his wife was sitting beside him, vainly endeavouring to -console him. For awhile he made no response to my queries, and then he -only raised his mournful face and pointed at the automobile. He was too -overcome for words, and his wife had to give us the awful facts. - -“This morning at four,” she said, “Edward came out and prepared to do -what he could to repair the motor you had so kindly put to the bad. -He was then his usual, cheerful self. He leaped lightly into the -chauffeur's seat, touched the starting lever, and, to his utter -distress, the automobile moved smoothly out of the garage and down the -driveway, without a single misplaced throb or sign of disorder. There -was nothing the matter with the automobile at all. Not a thing to -repair. It was as if it had just come from the factory. Of course he -immediately gave up all idea of the little run to Port Lafayette. Now, -there is only one thing to be done. You must take the machine and run -it around the block until it is in a fit condition to be repaired. I am -afraid you did not do a good job yesterday.” - -Although I felt rather hurt by the last words, I was not a man to desert -Millington in his need, and without a word I jumped into the automobile -and started. That morning I put in some hard work. It seemed that the -automobile had repaired itself so well that nothing would ever be the -matter with it again, but by persistent efforts and by doing everything -an amateur could possibly do to ruin an automobile, I succeeded in -developing its weak spots. Not until noon was I satisfied, but when the -horses at last pulled the automobile into Millington's garage I felt I -had done my duty. I had mashed the hood and cracked a cylinder, dished -the left front wheel and absolutely ruined all the battery connections. -I would have defied any man to make that automobile run one inch. It had -been hard work, but I was amply repaid when Millington threw his -arms around me and wept for joy on my shoulder. He was not usually a -demonstrative man. - -“Next week, or the week after, John,” he said cheerfully, as he took off -his coat, “I may have the machine patched up a little, and we will take -that little run out to Port Lafayette. I feel that the trip has been -delayed too long already, and I shall get to work at once.” - -“If you wish,” I said, “I will lend you Mr. Prawley to hold things while -you work on them.” - -“Prawley?” said Millington. “Prawley? That man of yours? No, thank you, -John. That man Prawley is so fearful of automobiles that he trembles at -the sight of a pair of goggles. He would die of fear if we forced him -into this garage.” - -I left Millington whistling over his work, and that afternoon I took -my putter and went to the golf grounds alone, for I had spent half the -night reading the golf book Mr. Rolfs had lent me, and I saw I had not -gone at the game in the right way. I knew now that I should have held my -club with my right hand more to the right--or to the left--and my right -foot nearer the ball--or not so near it--and with the head of my club -heeled up more--or not so much. The directions given by the book were -very explicit. They said a player must invariably lay his thumb along -the shaft of the club, unless he wrapped it around the shaft, or let it -stick up like a sore toe, or cut it off and got along without it, or did -something else with it. The book seemed to imply that the proper way -for a beginner to learn golf was to lock himself in a dark closet and -indulge in silent meditation until he became an expert player, but -the closets in my house were so narrow and shallow I felt I could not -meditate broadly in them. So I went to the Country Club. - -I met young Weldorf there, and as soon as he saw me he immediately -proposed a round. He said he had wanted to play a round with me ever -since he had heard of my clubs. He said he hoped I would not mind his -dog being along, for the dog took a lively interest in the game of golf. - -So I told Weldorf I loved dogs and that I thought a dog or two scattered -around the links added greatly to the picturesqueness of the game. -Weldorf's dog was a rather thin dog, of the white terrier kind, with -black spots, and Weldorf explained that the reason there were bare, -flesh-coloured spots on the dog was because he was just recovering from -an attack of mange. - -Weldorf drove first, and a beautiful drive it was, and with a gay bark -the dog darted after the ball, but Weldorf spoke to him sternly, and he -stopped short, although he still gazed after the ball yearningly. Then I -drove. I exerted the whole of my enormous strength in that drive, and -I think I surprised Weldorf. I know I surprised the dog. If I had -been that dog, I, too, would have been surprised. There stood the dog, -looking at Weldorf's ball, wagging his tail and thinking of nothing, and -here came my ball with terrific speed. Suddenly the ball hit the dog -on the hip with a splashy sort of smack, and immediately the dog was -impelled forward and upward, giving voice, as we dog-fanciers say. He -gave voice three times while in the air, and when he alighted he put his -tail between his legs and dashed madly away. - -[Illustration: 219] - -We were not able to retrieve the dog until we reached the third teeing -ground, and then I apologized to him. He did not accept my apology. He -looked upon my most friendly advances with unjust suspicion. He seemed -to have no faith in my game, and kept well to the rear of me, but when -Weldorf addressed him in a few well-chosen words he unlooped his tail -and wagged it in a halfhearted sort of way. I decided to ignore the dog. -I raised the hinged lid of the sandbox and took out a large handful of -sand to form my tee, and letting the lid fall took a step forward. - -Immediately the dog gave voice! Weldorf had to raise the lid of the -sand-box before the dog was able to get his tail out, but as soon as he -had reassumed full control of his tail he placed it firmly between his -legs and dashed madly away. It is nonsense to have a golf dog with a -long tail. - -By the time we reached the sixth putting-green the dog had begun to -get lonely, and assumed a cheerful demeanour. He returned to us with -ingratiating poses, mainly sliding along the ground on his stomach as he -approached, and I was glad to see him happy again, for I love dogs and -I like to have them happy. He stood afar off, however, until he saw -our balls on the putting-green. He knew that golfers do not “putt” as -strenuously as they “drive.” Then he came nearer. I took the flag-pole -from the hole and let it fall gracefully to the ground. Without an -instant of hesitation the dog gave voice! It was a long flag-pole, -made of a plump bamboo fish-rod, and when it fell it seemed to strike -directly on the eighth dorsal vertebra of the dog, at a spot where he -was not recovering very well from the mange. - -Weldorf said he had no doubt the dog would find his way home, and we -stood and listened until the voice the dog was giving died away in the -far distance, and then we holed out. It is nonsense for a dog to have -dorsal vertebrae. - -When we reached the seventh hole I found that the grounds committee -was already using my initiation fee, for the grass mowers were at work -there, and a man with a rake immediately stepped up to me, and said in -the most friendly manner that he would be willing to part with some -golf balls for money, if I would say nothing about it to the Board of -Governors. He had sixteen, nine of which I recognized as some of those -I had lost the day before, and he very generously offered to let me have -the lot at fifteen cents each. I purchased them eagerly, and the man who -was driving the mower at once descended and offered me twelve more -at the same price. Between there and the ninth hole numerous caddies -appeared from behind trees and bunkers and offered me balls at -ridiculously low prices, and I, quite naturally, took advantage of their -offers. - -When I reached home Isobel asked me how I was progressing with my game. -“Well,” I said, “I return with forty-two more golf balls than I had when -I went out.” - -Instantly her face brightened. She congratulated me warmly and said she -was sure Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs. Millington had overstated the evils of the -game. She said she thought she could see an improvement in my health -already. She advised me to keep at the game until my health was beyond -compare. - -I now know that the book Mr. Rolfs lent me is mere piffle and that, for -a man who takes his golf in the right way, a broom or a hairpin is as -good as any other tool. I enjoy the game immensely, and find it great -sport. Often I come home with fifty golf balls, and my low record is -eighteen--but that was a legal holiday and the grass mowers were on -vacation. I have so many golf balls in the house already that Isobel -talks of having an addition built over the kitchen for storage purposes. -As my game has improved I have acquired such dexterity that I can buy -balls from the caddies at the rate of four for twenty-five cents. If I -practise regularly I believe I shall in time reach a point where I can -buy balls for five cents each. By holes, my best score is thirty-eight -balls, made at the eighth hole on July 6th, from the red-headed caddy -and the fat mowing man. My low score is one ball, made August 16th, at -the first hole. I never make a large score there, as it is near the club -house and the caddies are afraid of the Board of Governors. - -When golf is taken rightly it arouses the instincts of the chase in a -man, and I now feel the same joy in running down a caddy and bargaining -for found balls that others feel in hunting wild animals. Golf, taken -thus, is a splendid game. - -And I have found that if I use my putter only, and knock the ball but a -few yards each stroke, there is no need of losing a ball from one end of -the year to the other. But even then one must remember the cardinal rule -of all golfers--“Keep the eye on the ball.” - - - - -XI. MY DOMESTICATED AUTOMOBILE - - -I HAVE said that I left Millington happily working over his automobile -when I went to the Country Club that afternoon. When I returned he -was still working away, and so well had I wrecked his car that all his -repairing seemed to have made not the slightest impression on it. - -“John,” he said brightly, “you certainly did a good job. It will be -months before I have this car in any shape at all, I am sure. It is -going to take all my spare time, too. I mean to set my alarm clock for -three, and get up at that time every morning.” - -It is always a pleasure for me to see another man happy, and at -half-past two the next morning I was waiting for Millington at his -garage door. He came out of his house promptly at three, and joked -merrily as he unlocked the garage door, but the moment he threw open the -door his face fell. And well it might! The dished wheel had been trued, -the crushed hood had been straightened and painted, a new cylinder had -replaced the cracked one, and when Millington tried the engine it -ran without a sound except that of a perfectly working piece of -well-adjusted machinery. Millington got out of the car and stood staring -at the motor, and suddenly, with a low cry of anguish, he fell over -backward as stiff as a log. Mrs. Millington and I managed to carry him -to bed, and then I returned to the garage. I was not going to desert -Millington in his adversity. - -After the doctor had visited the house, Mrs. Millington came out -and told me that her husband was still in a comatose state, due to -brain-shock, but that he kept repeating “Sell it! Sell it!” over and -over, and she was sure he must mean the car. She said that while -she would hate to part with the car, and give up all the pleasure of -starting for Port Lafayette, she feared for her husband's reason if he -continued to receive such shocks, and she was willing to sacrifice -the car at a very low price, if I insisted. She said I had not, like -Millington, become habituated to hearing a knocking in the engine, so' -the lack of it would not bother me, and that owning a car that repaired -itself over night was what most automobile owners would call a golden -opportunity. - -I suppose if I had come home and said to Isobel: “My dear, I have bought -an Asiatic hyena,” she would have been less shocked and surprised than -she was when I entered the house and said: “Well, my dear, I have bought -an automobile.” - -Isobel is of a rather nervous disposition, and driving behind Bob, our -horse, had tended to eliminate any latent speed mania she may have ever -had, for Bob is not a rapid horse. Of course, Isobel drove the horse at -a trot occasionally, but that was when she wanted to go slower than a -walk, for Bob was what may be called an upright trotter--one of those -horses that trot like a grasshopper: the harder they trot the higher -they rise in the air, and the less ground they cover. When Bob was -in fine fettle, as we horsemen say, he could trot for hours with a -perpendicular motion, like a sewing machine needle, and remain in one -identical spot the whole time. He could trot tied to a post. Sometimes -when he was feeling his oats he could trot backward. - -I suppose that when I mentioned automobile Isobel had a vision of a -bright-red car about twenty-five feet long, with a tonnage like an ocean -steamer, and a speed of one hundred and ten miles an hour--one of the -machines that flash by with a wail of agony and kill a couple of men -just around the next corner. But Millington's automobile was not that -kind. It was a tried and tested affair. It had been in a Christian -family for five years, and was well broken. Nor was it a long -automobile; it was one of the shortest automobiles I have ever seen; -indeed, I do not think I ever saw such a short automobile. “Short and -high” seemed to have been the maker's motto, and he had lived up to it. -He couldn't have made the automobile any shorter without having cogs -on the tires, so they could overlap. If the automobile had been much -shorter the rear wheels would have been in front of the fore wheels. -But what it lacked in length it made up in altitude. It averaged pretty -well, multiplying the height by the length. It was the type known in the -profession as the “camel type.” When in action it had a motion somewhat -like a camel, too, but more like a small boat on a wintry, wind-tossed -sea. But, ah! the engine! There was a noble heart in that weak body! -When the engine was in average knocking condition, one knew when it -started. In two minutes after the engine started the driver was on the -ground; if he did not become dizzy, sitting at such a height, and fall -off, the engine shook him off. - -But, if Isobel did not take kindly to the idea of owning Millington's -automobile, Rolfs seemed glad I was going to buy it. - -“You won't be everlastingly asking me to take a little run up to Port -Lafayette,” he said. “For years before you moved out here Millington -bothered the life out of me, and I cannot bear riding in automobiles. I -hate them worse than that hired man of yours does. How does he like the -idea?” - -I told him, rather haughtily, that I did not usually consult Mr. Prawley -when I bought automobiles. Then Rolfs said he thought, usually, it was -just as well for an ignorant man to consult some one, but that he knew -Millington's automobile was a good one. He said he knew the man that had -owned the machine ten or twelve years before Millington bought it. He -said that every one knew that machines of that make that were made -in 1895 were extremely durable. He said he remembered about this one -particularly, because it was the period when milk shakes were the -popular drink, and his friend used to make his own. He said his friend -would put the ingredients in a bottle, and tie the bottle to the -automobile seat, and then start the engine for a minute or two, and the -milk would be completely shaken. So would his friend. - -Rolfs asked me to let him know when I brought the automobile over -from Millington's. I had no difficulty in doing so. When I ran that -automobile the only difficulty was in concealing the fact that it was -arriving anywhere and in getting it to arrive. Often it preferred not to -arrive at all, but when it did arrive, it gave every one notice. Isobel -never had to wonder whether I was arriving in my machine, or whether it -was some visitor in another machine. Under my regime my machine had a -sweet, purring sound like a road-roller loaded with scrap iron crossing -a cobblestone bridge. When the engine was going and the car was not, it -sounded like giant fire-crackers exploding under a dish pan. - -The very day I purchased the car and brought it into my yard Mr. Prawley -came to me and told me he had a very important communication to make. He -said his poor old mother was sick, and he would like a month's vacation. -He added that he imagined the automobile would last about twenty-nine -days. As he said this his lean, villainous face wore a look of fear, -and when I told him he could have the vacation, he departed, walking -backward, keeping one eye on the automobile all the while. - -But the automobile did not behave in the bewitched manner for me that -it had for Millington. It did not repair itself over night at all. If -anything it deteriorated. - -Oddly enough, now that the automobile was quite tame, Isobel, who -usually has perfect confidence in me, declined to ride in it. But -frequently we took rides together, driving side by side, she in her -buggy behind Bob, and I in my automobile, and, occasionally, when the -road was rough and the engine working well, I would drop in on her -unexpectedly. But not always. Sometimes I fell off on the other side. - -I found these little trips very pleasant and exceedingly good for a -torpid liver--if I had had one--and I enjoyed having Isobel with me, -especially when we came to bits of sandy road where the rear wheels of -my automobile would revolve uselessly, as if for the mere pleasure of -revolving. - -Then I would unhitch Bob from the buggy and hitch him to the automobile, -and he would tow me over the sandy stretch, aided by the engine. It was -a pretty picture to see this helpfulness, one to the other, especially -when my engine was palpitating in its wild, vibratory manner, and Bob -was trotting at full speed, while I fell out of the automobile, first on -one side and then on the other. - -Isobel enjoyed these little moments exceedingly and often I had to go -back to her, after I had passed the sandy spot, and pat her on the back -until she could get her breath again. She had to admit that she had -never imagined she could get so much pleasure out of an automobile. But -it was that kind of an automobile--any one could get more pleasure out -of it than in it. - -I myself found that after the first novelty wore off automobiling became -a bore. As a method of securing pleasure the cost per gallon to each -unit of joy was too high, in that machine. Riding in my machine was not -what is called “joy riding.” It was more like a malady. - -[Illustration: 237] - -Of course we never attempted a long tour, like that to Port Lafayette, -which is eleven miles from Westcote, and it was about the time my tire -troubles began that I thought of domesticating my automobile. I remember -with what pride I discovered my first puncture. Every automobile owner -of my acquaintance had tire troubles, and I had never had any, and I -felt slighted. Sometimes I felt tempted to take an awl and puncture a -tire myself, so I, too, could talk about my tire troubles, but I had a -feeling that that would be unprofessional. I had never heard of any real -sporty automobilist punching holes in his tires with awls; in fact they -seemed to consider there was no particular pleasure in punctured tires. -That was the way they talked--as if a puncture was a misfortune--but I -knew better. I could hear the undercurrent of pride in their voices -as they announced: “Well, I had three punctures and two blow-outs -yesterday. I was running along slowly, about fifty-five miles an hour, -between Oyster Bay and Huntington, when--” And then the next man would -pipe up and say: “Yes? Well, I beat that. I was speeding a little--not -much, but about sixty miles an hour--on the Jericho Turnpike last night, -and all four tires--” And through it all I had to sit silent. I longed -to be able to say: “I was speeding along yesterday at about half a mile -an hour, the machine going better than usual, when suddenly I jumped out -and stuck my penknife into the forward, left-hand tire--” I had never -had a puncture. I was not in their class. - -But my turn came. I was speeding a little--about one city block every -five minutes--on Thirteenth Street, when my sparker stopped sparking. -When your engine misses fire there are six hundred and forty-two things -that may be the matter, and after you have tested the six hundred -and forty-two, it may be an entirely new six hundred and forty-third -trouble. I have known a man to try the full six hundred and forty-two -remedies unavailingly, and then sigh and wipe his goggles, and the -engine began working beautifully. And it was only by chance--pure -chance--that he happened to wipe his goggles. Probably he had not wiped -them for years. But after that the first thing he did when his engine -did not fire was to wipe them. And never, never again did it have the -least effect on the engine. That is one of the peculiar things about an -automobile. And there are nine hundred and ninety-nine other peculiar -things, each of which is more peculiar than all the rest. - -[Illustration: 243] - -I had just taken my automobile apart to discover why the engine did not -work, and the various pieces of its anatomy were scattered up and down -the street for a block or more, and I was hunting up another piece -to take out, when I noticed that one of my tires was flat. I had a -puncture! I suppose I would have thrilled with joy at any other time, -but just after a man has dissected his automobile is no time for him to -thrill. He has other things to amuse him. I have even known a man who -had just discovered that his last battery had gone dead to swear a -little when he discovered that two tires had also gone flat. - -It was when I was pumping up that new inner tube that I decided to -domesticate my automobile. It seemed to be a shame to take such a -delicate piece of machinery out on the rough, unfeeling road, and I -remembered that Rolfs had told me of a Philadelphia friend of his who -had half domesticated his automobile. Rolfs said that once, when he was -foolish, he had ridden half an hour, out to his friend's farm, and there -the automobile was jacked up and a belt attached to one of the rear -wheels, and in less than five minutes the car was doing duty as a piece -of farm machinery, running a feed cutter. Rolfs said it was great. He -said it was the only time he ever felt satisfied that an automobile was -getting what it deserved. He said that all the men had to do was to keep -the fodder-cutter fed with fodder, and that it kept two farm hands busy. -He said I ought to get some fodder and cut it that way and stop being -an obstruction in the public highways. He suggested that I get some wood -and saw wood with the automobile, or get some apples and make cider. He -suggested a thousand things I could do with the automobile, and not one -of them was riding in it. - -I had tried riding in it myself, and after owning it a week or two I -decided it was just the kind of automobile that was meant to do general -household work. So I domesticated it. - - - - -XII. MR. PRAWLEY RETURNS - -MARY was one of the most faithful servants a family ever had. Her -faithfulness deserves this monument. She was a Pole and she could not -pronounce her own name. She tried to pronounce it the first day she -came to us, but along toward the sixth or seventh syllable she became -confused and had to give it up. She said it was Schneider in English. -Perhaps the reason she remained with us so long was because she had -brought her Polish name with her, and it was too much trouble to move -it from place to place. When she once got in a place, she liked to stay -there. But “Schneider” was about the only English word she knew, -and this made it a little difficult to explain to her that I had -domesticated the automobile and would allow her to use it on wash day. -I had to make a picture of it, and even then she seemed rather doubtful -about it. - -As a matter of fact it was all very simple, but Mary Schneider was -stupid. We already had the washing machine, and we had the automobile, -and it was only necessary to connect the rear wheel of the automobile -with the drive wheel of the washing machine by means of a belt, jack up -the rear axle of the automobile, and start the engine. I hoped in -time to go further than this and hitch up the coffee mill, the -carpet-sweeper, the ice-cream freezer, and all our other household -machinery, and then Mary Schneider would have a very easy time of it. -She could have sat in the automobile with her hands on the speed levers -and the work would have done itself. But Mary would not sit in the -automobile. She tried to explain that she had seen me sit in it and that -the Schneiders, as a family, had very brittle bones and could not afford -to fall out of automobiles of such height, but I could not understand -what she was saying. I only understood that she said she would give -notice immediately if she had to sit in that automobile while the -palpitator was jiggering. - -I had a feeling that all this was mere diffidence on her part, and that -when she once saw how easy it all was she would be delighted with it. -So I jacked up the rear axle of the car in my backyard, and attached the -clothesline as a belt to the rear wheel and to the drive wheel of the -washing machine. I remained at home one Monday morning especially to do -this, and Isobel thought it was very kind of me. She said she was sure -Mary could do it, and would be glad to, after she had once seen how it -was done. - -Mary put the soap in the washing machine, and the hot water, and the -clothes, and I started the automobile engine. It was all I had hoped. -Never, never had I seen clothes washed so rapidly. Luckily I had thought -to nail the legs of the washing machine to the floor of the back porch. -This steadied the washing machine and kept it from jumping more than it -did. Of course, some vibration was conveyed along the rope belt from the -automobile, and Mary had to hasten to and fro bringing more hot water to -refill the washing machine. It was like a storm at sea, or a geyser, or -a large hot fountain. When we had the automobile going at full speed -the water hardly entered the washing machine before it dashed madly out -again. - -Isobel had to help by putting more clothes in the washing machine. It -used up clothes as rapidly as Rolf's friend's fodder-cutter used -up fodder, but I think it cut the clothes into smaller pieces. We -discovered this when we hunted up the clothes later. We did not notice -it at the time. All was excitement. - -It was a proud moment for me. The engine was running as well as it ever -did, the dasher of the washing machine was dashing to and fro with hot -water, and Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs. Millington were cheering us on. I -began to believe we would break all records for clothes washing if Mary -and Isobel could only keep water and clothes in the washing machine. -Just then I fell out of the automobile. - -Possibly the sudden removal of my weight had an effect. It may have been -that my head in striking one of the rear wheels moved the axle. Of this -I can never be sure. The rear axle unjacked itself, and as the rear -wheels touched the ground the automobile darted away. I was just able to -touch the washing machine as it hurried by, but it did not wait for me -to secure a firm hold, and it went on its way. But Mary was faithful to -the last. She--ignorant though she was--knew that the weekly wash should -not dash off in this manner. She--although but a Pole, knew her duty and -did it. Mary hung onto the washing machine. Whither the wash went she -was going. And so she did. Rapidly, too. - -The rear porch was not badly damaged. Only those boards to which the -washing machine had been nailed went with it, but where the automobile -went through the back fence we had to make extensive repairs. But it -was all for the best. If the automobile had not made a hole in the fence -Mary could not have gone through. Of course, she could have gone around -by the gate, but she would have lost time, and she was not losing any -time. Neither was the washing machine. The automobile did not gain an -inch on it, and sometimes when the washing machine made a good jump it -overtook the automobile. So did Mary. - -I saw then that I had not thoroughly domesticated the automobile. As -we stood and watched the automobile and the washing machine and Mary -dashing rapidly away in the distance, we felt that the automobile was -still a little too wild for household use, but I fully believed the -automobile would be tame enough before it reached home again. A young, -strong automobile may be able to take cross country runs without ill -effects, but an elderly automobile, like the one I bought of Millington, -cannot dash across country towing a washing machine and a Polish -servant, whose name is Schneider in English, without danger to its -constitution. I do not blame the washing machine--it could not let go, -it was belted on--but if Mary had had presence of mind she would have -released her grasp when she found the strain was too much for the -automobile. But it is strange how differently the minds of male and -female run. As I watched the automobile disappear over the edge of the -hill I said: - -“Isobel, I guess that ends that automobile,” But Isobel said: - -“John, I am afraid we have lost Mary.” And yet that automobile and that -Pole were the last two in the world I should ever have suspected of -running away with each other. She came back later in the day, but she -did not say much. She packed her trunk and took her wages, and remarked -a remark that sounded like the English word Schneider translated into -Polish. The washing machine did not return. - -When Millington came out to the fence that evening I told him that I was -done with automobiling, and that the automobile was probably mashed to -flinders. He had been looking bad, but he brightened at the words. - -“John,” he said, “if that automobile is wrecked as badly as it should -be after running wild with a tail of washing machines and -Schneiders-in-English, I'll buy it back. I'll give--I'll give you five -dollars for it.” - -He must have seen the eagerness in my eyes, for he remarked quickly: - -“I'll give you two dollars and forty-five cents for it!” - -“I'll take it!” I said instantly. - -“It is mine!” said Millington, and he handed over the money. - -As soon as it was in my pocket I heard a rustling in the currant bushes -at my left, and Mr. Prawley raised his head above them. - -“Mother's well again,” he said. “I've come back!” - - - - -XIII. MILLINGTON'S MOTOR MYSTERY - - -MILLINGTON and I hunted up the automobile the next day, and it was in -worse condition than I had imagined. The only way the car could be got -back to his garage was on a truck, but we got it there, and unloaded -it, and Millington hunted up all his tools and got them ready to use the -next day. It was late by that time, and we locked the garage and went to -bed. - -All night I worried over having taken two dollars and forty-five -cents from Millington for that collection of old metal that had been a -motor-car, and as early as possible the next morning I took the money -and went over to Millington's. I found him just going out to the garage, -and he positively refused to take back the money. He said the car was -in just the condition he wanted it, and that if I hadn't knocked the -witchery out of it no one could. He said he hoped--and just then he -opened the garage door. - -There stood the automobile, on the very spot where we had left it, but -there was not a scratch on it. Except that it was an ancient model, it -might have been a brand new car. Even the brasswork had been polished, -and at the first glance the tires seemed new, but we found they had only -been carefully repaired and painted drab. - -Millington stood looking at the automobile a few minutes and then -laughed. He turned to me with a strangely contorted face and said: -“Uncle Tom, you are invited to take a ride with Cleopatra in my air-ship -to-night at midnight.” - -Millington said this in a very calm voice, but he immediately followed -it by asking me to have a piece of strawberry pie, and instead of pie he -offered me the can of gear grease. I managed to coax him into the -house, and when the doctor arrived he advised absolute rest. He said -Millington's brain was not yet permanently affected, but that another -such shock would be too much for him. He said that for the present we -must humour him, and try to make him believe that the automobile was -damaged beyond recovery. It seemed to have a soothing effect, and to aid -his recovery I got into the car, ran it into the street, aimed it at a -stone wall opposite Millington's window, threw on the high speed, and -jumped to one side. One minute later the machine was afire, and half -an hour later little was left of it but the metal parts, and they were -badly warped. - -Mr. Prawley came out when he saw the fire, and a look of the most -fiendish joy glittered in his eyes. Never have I seen a man show -such pleasure over the destruction of an automobile. His hatred of -automobiles seemed to be endless and bottomless. - -When I told Millington that his automobile was now in about as bad -condition as man could put it into, he sat up in bed, and the light of -sanity came into his eyes. He walked to the window and looked out at the -car, and became his old cheerful self again. He said that there was no -doubt now that the devils in the car had been exorcised, and that with -a few weeks work he could get it back into such shape that the engine -would be working properly, and we would then, he said take that little -run up to Port Lafayette. He then took a little nourishment, and by -night he was quite himself again. When he had had his dinner I went home -and had mine, and went to bed at once, for I knew Millington would be at -work soon after sun-up. - -I had hardly got into bed, however, when I began to fear that -Millington's eagerness would get the best of him, and at ten o'clock I -went over to his house. I found him in bed and awake and cheerful, but -he said he did not mean to get up. He said it was against his policy to -get up the day before in order to be up the next day, so I sat by his -bed and read chapters from a dear little work of fiction entitled “Easy -Remedies for Ignition Troubles,” until the clock struck twelve, and then -Millington hopped out of bed and threw on his clothes. - -The moment we stepped from the back door the same thing struck us both -with surprise. There was a light in the garage! - -My first thought was that some rascal was in the garage trying to -ruin Millington's automobile, but a second thought assured me this was -impossible. Ruin could be carried no farther than I had carried it. -Bidding Millington be silent, I crept cautiously toward the garage, with -Millington at my heels, and without a sound we peered in at the window. -The sight was one that would have shaken the strongest man. - -Bending over the motor, with his face made unearthly by the artificial -light that fell upon it obliquely, casting deep shadows, was that -villain, Mr. Prawley! I have never seen anything so devilish as that -wretch as he worked with inhuman agility and haste. His long, claw-like -fingers danced from one part of the machine to another fiendishly, and a -hideous grin distorted his features. He was humming some weird tune, and -I noted that he was ambidextrous, for he was varnishing the hood with -one hand while with the other he was putting in a new spark plug. A -tremor of horror passed over Millington and over me at the same moment. -A few whispered words, a few stealthy steps, and we burst in and seized -Mr. Prawley by the arms. In a moment we had him on the floor of the -garage, bound hand and foot. - -Millington was for wreaking immediate vengeance on him, but I stood -firmly for a more lawful course, and the next day we handed him over to -the authorities, and his whole miserable story came out. His name was -not Mr. Prawley at all. Neither was it Alonzo Duggs, which was the name -he he had given us when Isobel and I hired him. His name was William -Alexander Vandergribbin. He came of good family, but mania for speeding -automobiles had brought him to ruin, and the third time he was arrested -for over-speeding a sentence of thirty years in the penitentiary had -been pronounced by the judge. The judge, however, had suspended the -sentence provided that William Alexander Vandergribbin never again -touched an automobile. - -For several years Vandergribbin fought down his appetite. Then he -fell. He changed his name to Flossy Zozo, and secured a job as the -death-defying loop-the-gappist with the big show. For a time the -speeding down the runway in the fake automobile, with the somersault at -the bottom of the run, appeased his cravings, but the rules of the -show prohibited him from tinkering with the fake automobile, which was -strictly in charge of the property man, and Vandergribbin left the show, -changed his name to Alonzo Duggs, and seeking our quiet town, chose work -in the house nearest the man owning the oldest automobile. For weeks he -had watched his opportunity--you know the rest. He is now in Sing Sing. - -I am sorry to end this story so abruptly, but Millington has just -come over to ask if I would not like to take a little run out to Port -Lafayette. I have always wanted to go to Port Lafayette, which is about -eleven miles from here; so, if you will excuse me, I will go and button -Isobel's matinee gown, and we will be off. - - -END - - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Adventures Of A Suburbanite, by -Ellis Parker Butler - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ADVENTURES OF A SUBURBANITE *** - -***** This file should be named 44153-0.txt or 44153-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/1/5/44153/ - -Produced by David Widger - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm -concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared -with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project -Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. -unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - diff --git a/old/44153-0.zip b/old/44153-0.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 63da03d..0000000 --- a/old/44153-0.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/44153-8.txt b/old/44153-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 6f6dd9e..0000000 --- a/old/44153-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3683 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg's The Adventures Of A Suburbanite, by Ellis Parker Butler - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Adventures Of A Suburbanite - -Author: Ellis Parker Butler - -Illustrator: A. B. Phelan - -Release Date: November 10, 2013 [EBook #44153] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ADVENTURES OF A SUBURBANITE *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger - - - - - - -THE ADVENTURES OF A SUBURBANITE - -By Ellis Parker Butler - -Illustrator: A. B. Phelan - -Garden City New York Doubleday, Page & Company - - -1911 - - - - - -I. THE PRAWLEYS - -ISOBEL was born in a flat, and that was no fault of her own; but she was -born in a flat, and reared in a flat, and married from a flat, and, for -two years after we were married, we lived in a flat; but I am not a born -flat-dweller myself, and as soon as possible I proposed that we move to -the country. Isobel hesitated, but she hesitated so weakly that on the -first of May we had bought the place at Westcote and moved into it. - -The very day I moved into my house Millington came over and said he was -glad some one had moved in, because the last man that had lived in the -house was afraid of automobiles, and would never take a spin with -him. He said he hoped I was not afraid; and when I said I was not, he -immediately proposed that we take a little spin out to Port Lafayette -as soon as I had my furniture straightened around. I thought it was very -nice and neighbourly and unusual for a man with an automobile to begin -an acquaintance that way; but I did not know Millington's automobile so -well then as I grew to know it afterward. - -I liked Millington. He was a short, Napoleon-looking man, with bulldog -jaws and not very much hair, and I was glad to have him for a -neighbour, particularly as my neighbour on the other side was a tall, -haughty-looking man. He leaned on the division fence and stared all the -while our furniture was being moved in. I spoke to Millington about him, -and all Millington said was: "Rolfs? Oh, he's no good! He won't ride in -an automobile." - -At first, while we were really getting settled in our house, Isobel was -bright and cheerful and seemed to have forgotten flats entirely but on -the tenth of May I saw a change coming over her, and when I spoke of it -she opened her heart to me. - -"John," she said, "I am afraid I cannot stand it. I shall try to, for -your sake, but I do not think I can. I am so lonely! I feel like an atom -floating in space." - -"Isobel!" I said kindly but reprovingly. "With the Millingtons on one -side and the Rolfs on the other?" - -"I know," she admitted contritely enough; "but you can't understand. -Always and always, since I was born, some one has lived overhead, -and some one has lived underneath. Sometimes only the janitor lived -underneath--" - -"Isobel," I said, "if you will try to explain what you mean--" - -"I mean flats," she said dolefully. "I always lived in a flat, John, and -there was always a family above and a family below, and it frightens me -to think I am in a house where there is no family above me, and not even -a janitor's family below me. It makes me feel naked, or suspended in -air, or as if there was no ground under my feet. It makes me gasp!" - -"That is nonsense!" I said. "That is the beauty of having a house. We -have it all to ourselves. Now, in a flat--" - -"We had our flat all to ourselves, John," she reminded me; "but a flat -isn't so unbounded as a house. Just think; there is nothing between us -and the top of the sky! Not a single family! It makes me nervous. And -there is nothing beneath us!" - -"Now, my dear," I said soothingly, "China is beneath us, and no doubt a -very respectable family is keeping house directly below." - -Isobel sighed contentedly. - -"I am so glad you thought of that!" she cried. "Now, when I feel lonely, -I can imagine I feel the house jar as the Chinese family move their -piano, or I can imagine that I hear their phonograph." - -"Very good," I said; "and if you can imagine all that, why cannot you -imagine a family overhead, too? The whole attic is there. Very well; I -give up the entire attic to your imagination." - -Then I kissed her and went into the back garden. My opinion is that the -man that laid out that back garden was over-sanguine. I am passionately -fond of gardening, and believe in back gardens; but at the present -price of seed and the present hardness of hoe handles, I think that back -garden is too large. This is not a mere flash opinion, either; it is -a matter of study. The first day I stuck spade into that garden I had -given little thought to its size, but by the time I had spaded all day -I began to have a pretty well-defined opinion of gardens and how large -they should be, and by the end of the third day of spading I believe -I may say I was well equipped to testify as an expert on garden sizes. -That was the day the blisters on my hands became raw. - -[Illustration: 25] - -The day after my little conversation with Isobel I returned home from -business to find her awaiting me at the gate. She wore a bright smile, -and she put her hand through my arm and hopped into step with me. - -"John," she said cheerfully, "the Prawleys moved in to-day." - -"The Prawleys? Who are the Prawleys, and what did they move into?" I -asked. - -"Why, how do I know who they are, John?" she said. "I suppose we will -know all about them soon enough, but you can't expect me to learn all -about a family the day they move in. And as for what they moved into, of -course there was only one vacant flat." - -"Flat? One vacant flat? What flat?" I asked. I was afraid Isobel was not -entirely herself. - -"The one above us," she said, and then as she saw the blank look on my -face she said: "The--the--oh, John, _don't_ you understand? The attic!" - -"Hum!" I said suspiciously, looking at Isobel; but her face was so -bright, and she looked so thoroughly contented that I did not tell her -what I thought of this sort of pretending. Too much of it is not good -for a person. "Very well," I said; "I only hope they will not be too -noisy." - -"I don't think they will," said Isobel, smiling. "At least not while you -are home." She helped me off with my light coat, and when we were seated -at the table she said: "By the way, Mr. Millington leaned over the fence -this afternoon, and said he hoped you would take a little ride to Port -Lafayette with him soon. He says his automobile is in almost perfect -shape now." - - - - -II. MR. PRAWLEY'S GARDEN - -ISOBEL was brighter at dinner than she had been for some days. She -seemed quite contented, now that the imaginary Prawleys had moved into -the attic. She said no more about them, and when I had finished my -dinner I put on my gardening togs and went out to garden awhile before -dark. Blisters are certainly most painful after a day of rest, and I did -not work long. I was almost in despair about the garden. Fully half had -not been touched, and what I had already done looked ragged and as if it -needed doing over again. The more I dug, the more great chunks of sod -I found buried in it, and it seemed as if my garden, when I had dug out -all the chunks of sod, would be a pit instead of a level. It threatened -to be a sunken garden. - -"Isobel," I said angrily, when the sun had set and I was once more -sitting in the chair on my veranda, with my hands wrapped in wet -handkerchiefs, "you know how passionately fond of gardening I am, and -how I longed and pined for a garden for two full years, and you know, -therefore, that it takes a great deal of gardening to satisfy me; but I -must say that the man who laid out that garden must have been a man -of shameful leisure. He laid out a garden twice as large as any garden -should be." - -"Then why do you try to work it all?" she asked. - -"Oh, work it!" I exclaimed with some irritation. "I can't let half a -garden go to weeds! That would look nice, wouldn't it! I'll work it all -right! You don't care how I suffer and struggle. You sit here--" - -The next evening when I reached home - -I did not feel particularly happy. My hands were quite raw, and my back -had sharp pains and was stiff, and I spoke gruffly to Millington when he -suggested an automobile ride to Port Lafayette for that evening. - -"No!" I said shortly. "You ought to know I can't go. I've got to kill -myself in that garden!" - -But I was resolved Isobel should never see me conquered by a patch -of ground, and after dinner I went out with my spade and hoe. When my -glance fell on the garden I stopped short. I was very angry. - -"Isobel?" I called sharply. - -She came tripping around the house and to my side. - -"Who did that?" I asked severely. I was in no mood for nonsense. - -She looked at the garden. One half of it--not the half I had struggled -with, but the other 'half--had been spaded, crushed, ridged, planted, -and left in perfect condition. The small cabbage plants had been -carefully watered. Not a grain of earth was larger than a pin head. Not -a blade of grass stuck up anywhere. Isobel looked at the garden, and -then at me. - -"I warned him!" she said. "I warned him you would be angry when you came -home! I told him you wanted to garden that half of the garden, too, and -that you would probably go right up and give him a piece of your mind, -but he insisted that he had a right to half the garden, and--" - -"_Who_ insisted that he had a right to half my garden?" I demanded. - -"Why," said Isobel, as if surprised at the question, "Mr. Prawley did." - -"Prawley? Prawley? I don't know any Prawley!" - -"Don't you know the Prawleys that moved into the flat above us?" said -Isobel. "And he is a very nice man, too," she continued. "He was not at -all rude. He merely insisted, in a quiet way, that as he was a tenant -and as there was only one back garden, and two families in the house, he -was entitled to half the garden." - -She did not give me a chance to speak, but ran on in that vein, while -I stood and looked at the garden and, among other things, thought of my -blistered hands and my lame back. - -"Well and good, Isobel," I said at length. "I do not wish to have -anything to say to the Prawleys, nor do I wish to quarrel with them, and -since he demands half the garden you may tell him he is welcome to it. -I cannot conceal that in taking half of it away from me he has robbed -me of just that much passionate happiness, and you may tell him I do not -like the way he gardens, but I will say no more about it!" - -"Oh, you dear old John!" said Isobel. "And now you shall not touch that -miserable garden with your poor sore hands. You shall just sit on the -veranda with me and let me bathe your palms with witch hazel." Although -I assumed an air of sternness in speaking to Isobel of Mr. Prawley I -was glad to be able to humour her, for she seemed so much happier after -beginning to pretend that the Prawley family occupied the attic of our -house. Giving in to these harmless little whims of our wives does much -to make life pleasanter for them--and for us--and as long as Mr. Prawley -left me my own half of the garden I could not be discontented. One half -of that garden was really all a man should attempt to garden, no matter -how passionately fond of gardening he might be. - -It is fine to be the owner of a bit of soil and to feel the joy of -possession, but it is still more delightful to be able to see one's -own garden truck springing into life after one has dug and planted and -weeded and cultivated with one's own hands. I had no greater desire in -life than to devote all my spare time to my garden, but a man must give -his health some attention, and Isobel pointed out that if I gardened but -one half of the garden I would have time to ride to Port Lafayette with -Millington in his automobile now and then, and as Port Lafayette is on -the salt water the air would be good for me. - -Port Lafayette is about eleven miles from Westcote, and I had often -wished to go to Port Lafayette, but Millington is absurdly jealous. Of -course, I could have taken Isobel by train in about one half hour, or -I could walk it in two or three hours, or drive there in an hour; but -I knew that would hurt Millington's feelings. He would take it as an -insult to his automobile. - -But now I told Isobel that as soon as my garden got into reasonable -shape we would go to Port Lafayette with Millington. Isobel told me -that my health was more important than radishes, and reasoned that a few -weeds in a garden were not a bad thing. Weeds, she said, grow rapidly, -while vegetables are modest and retiring things, and she considered that -a few weeds in my half of the garden might set a good example to the -vegetables. - -Mr. Prawley evidently held a different view, for he did not allow a -single weed to raise its head in his half of the garden, and I told -Isobel, rather sharply, that his idea was the right one, and that I -should weed my garden every evening until there was not a weed in it. - -"But, John," she said, "I have never ridden in an automobile, and it -would be a great treat for me." - -"No doubt," I groaned--I was weeding in my garden at the moment--"but, -treat or no treat, I am not going to have this half of the garden look -like a forest." - -"I know you enjoy it," she began, but I silenced her. - -"I am passionately fond of gardening," I said, "and I have told you so a -million times. Now will you leave me alone to enjoy it, or won't you?" - -She went into the house and left me enjoying it alone. - -The very next evening, when I looked into my half of the garden, I found -it weeded and put into the best of shape, and when I hunted up Isobel, -angry indeed at having so much pleasure taken from me, she did not dare -look me in the eye. - -"Isobel," I said sharply, "what is the meaning of this?" - -"John," she said meekly, "I am afraid I am to blame. You know Mr. -Prawley does not like automobile riding--" - -"I know nothing of the kind, Isobel," I said. "I know I am passionately -fond of gardening, and that some one has robbed me of the pleasure I -have looked forward to for years: the joy of weeding my own garden on my -own land." - -"Mr. Prawley does not like automobile riding," continued Isobel, "and -he came to me this morning and told me his health was so poor that his -doctor had told him nothing but gardening could save his life. When he -showed the garden to his doctor, the doctor told him he was not getting -half enough gardening--that he must garden twice as much. I told Mr. -Prawley he could not have your half of the garden, because you were -passionately fond of it--" - -"True, Isobel!" I said, rubbing my back at the lamest spot. - -"But he begged on his knees, saying that while it was only a pleasure -for you, it was life and health for him, and when his wife wept, I had -not the heart to refuse. He said he would make a fair exchange, and that -as he was an anti-vegetarian you could have all the vegetables that grew -in your own half, and all that grew in his, too." - -"Isobel," I said, taking her hand, "this is a great, great -disappointment to me. It robs me of a pleasure of which I may say I -am passionately fond, but I cannot disown a contract made by my little -wife. Mr. Prawley may garden my half of the garden." - -I must admit that the Prawleys were ideal tenants. Not a sound came from -his floor of the house. Indeed, I did not see him nor his family at -all. But during my days in town he and Isobel seemed to have many -conversations, and she was so tender-hearted and easily moved that one -by one she let Mr. Prawley take all the outdoor work of which I may -rightly claim to be passion--to be exceedingly fond. - -Mowing the lawn is one of the things in which I delight. I ardently love -pushing the lawn mower, and if, occasionally, I allowed the grass to -grow rather long, it was only because I was saving the pleasure of -cutting it, as a child saves the icing of its cake for the last sweet -bite. I remember remarking, quite in joke, one morning, that the -confounded lawn needed mowing again, and that the grass seemed to do -nothing but grow, and that I'd probably have to break my back over it -when I got home that evening. But when I reached home that evening I -suspected that Isobel must have taken my little joke as earnest, for the -lawn was nicely mown and the edges trimmed. It seemed, when I questioned -Isobel, that Mr. Prawley's doctor was not satisfied with his progress -and had assured him that lawn mowing was necessary for his complete -recovery. Thus Isobel allowed Mr. Prawley to usurp another of my -pleasures. - -So, one by one, the outdoor tasks of which I am so passionately -fond were wrested from me. I allowed them to go because I thought it -necessary to humour Isobel in her pretence that some family occupied -a flat above us, and all seemed well; and we were ready to go to Port -Lafayette in Mr. Millington's automobile whenever it was ready to take -us, when one day in June I happened to notice that our grass was getting -unusually long and untidy. - -"Isobel," I said, "I have humoured Mr. Prawley, abandoning to him all -the outdoor chores of which I am so passionately fond, but if he is to -do this lawn I want him to do it, and not neglect it shamefully. I will -not have it looking like this!" - -"But, John--" she began. - -"I tell you, Isobel," I said, with rising anger, "I won't have it! -I'll stand a good deal, but when I have robbed myself of my greatest -pleasure, and then see the other man neglecting it, I rebel. If this -goes on I'll forget that Mr. Prawley has bad health. I'll enjoy cutting -the lawn myself!" - -"John," said Isobel, throwing her arms about my neck, "you will be so -glad! I have good news to tell you! The Prawleys have moved away! Now -you can do all your own hoeing and mowing." - -"The Prawleys have moved away?" I gasped. - -"Yes," she said cheerfully, "and now you can garden all the garden, and -cut all the lawn and rake all the walks, and weed, and do all the things -you are so fond of doing." - -"Isobel," I said sternly, "if I thought only of myself I would indeed be -glad. But I cannot have my little wife fearing the empty flat above her. -You must immediately hire another--er--get another family." - -"But I shall not be nervous any more, John," she said; "and it is a -shame to deprive you of the outdoor work." - -I looked out upon the large lawn and the large garden. - -"No, Isobel," I said, "you must take no chances. You may not think you -will be nervous, but the feeling may return. If you do not get a family -to move in, I shall!" - -I rubbed the palms of my hands where the blisters had been, and thought -of the middle of my back where the pains and aches had congregated. I -was ready to sacrifice my passionate longing for outdoor work once more -for Isobel's sake. - -[Illustration: 45] - -"Well," she said thoughtfully, "I know of an excellent coloured man in -Lower Westcote, that we can hire by the day--I mean that we can get to -move into the flat--but I can hardly afford, with my present allowance, -to pay his wages--that is, I mean--" - -"For some time, Isobel," I said hastily, "I have been thinking your -allowance was too small. You must have a--a great many household -expenses of which I know nothing." - -"I have," she said simply. - -That evening when I returned from the city I saw that the lawn grass -had been cut so closely that it looked as if the lawn had been shaved. -Isobel ran to meet me. - -"John!" she cried; "John! Who do you think has moved into the flat -overhead?" - -"Dear me!" I exclaimed. "How should I know?" - -"The Prawleys!" she cried. "The Prawleys have moved back again. Are you -not glad?" - -I concealed my chagrin. I hid the sorrow with which I saw my passionate -fondness for outdoor work once more defeated of its object. - -"Isobel," I said, "I wish you would tell Mr. Prawley's doctor to tell -Mr. Prawley that it is imperative for Mr. Prawley's best health that Mr. -Prawley dig the grass out of the gravel walks to-morrow. Tell him--" - -"I told him this evening to do the walks the first thing in the -morning," said Isobel innocently, "and when he has done them I am going -to have him help Mary wash the windows." - - - - -III. THE EQUINE PALACE - -"NOW that Mr. Prawley is back," I told Isobel, "we can take that trip to -Port Lafayette with Millington," and it was then Isobel mentioned the -advisability of keeping a horse; but Millington and I, not being afraid -of automobiles, began to go to Port Lafayette in his automobile. As a -rule we began to go every day, and sometimes twice a day, and I must say -for Millington's automobile that it was one of the most patient I have -ever seen. Patient and willing are the very words. It would start for -Port Lafayette as willingly as anything, and go along as patiently as -possible. It was a very patient goer. Haste had no charms for it. - -Millington used to come over bright and early and say cheerfully, "Well, -how would you like to take a little run out to Port Lafayette to-day?" -and I would get my cap, and we would go over to his garage and get into -the machine. Then Millington would pull a lever or two, and begin to -listen for noises indicative of internal disorders. As a rule, they -began immediately, but sometimes he would not hear anything that could -be called really serious until we reached the corner of the block. Once, -I remember, and I shall never forget the date, we went three miles -before Millington stopped the car and got out his wrenches and -antiseptic bandages and other surgical tools; but usually the noises -began inside of the block. Then we would push it home, and postpone the -trip for that day, while Millington laboured over the automobile. - -"We will get to Port Lafayette yet," he would say hopefully. - -As soon as Isobel mentioned keeping a horse I knew she was beginning to -like suburban life, and I was delighted. Having lived all her life in a -flat, her mind naturally ran to theatres and roof gardens, rather than -to the delights of the suburbs, and her reading still consisted more of -department store bargain sales and advertisements of new plays than -of seed catalogues and ready mixed paints, as a good suburban wife's -reading should; but as soon as she mentioned that it would be nice -to have a horse I knew she was at length falling a victim to the -allurements of our semi-country existence. In order to add fuel to the -flame I took up the suggestion with enthusiasm. - -"Isobel," I said warmly, "that is a splendid idea! A horse is just -what we need to add the finishing touch to our happiness! With these -splendid, tree-bordered roads--" - -"A horse that is not afraid of Mr. Millington's automobile," interposed -Isobel. - -"Certainly," I said, "a horse that you can drive without fear--" - -"But not a pokey old thing," said Isobel. - -"By no means," I agreed; "what we want is a young, fresh horse that can -get over the road--" - -"And gentle," said Isobel. "And strong. And he must be a good-looking -horse. One with a glossy skin. Reddish brown, with a long tail. I -would like a great, big, strong-looking horse, like the Donelleys', but -faster, like the Smiths'." - -"Exactly," I said. "That's the sort of horse I had in mind. And we will -get the horse immediately. I shall stay at home tomorrow and select -the kind of horse we want, unless Mr. Millington takes me to Port -Lafayette--" - -"Now, John," said Isobel, "you must not be too hasty. You must be -careful. I think the right way to buy a horse is to shop a little first, -and see what people have in stock, and not take the first thing that is -offered, the way you do when you buy shirts. You know how hideous some -of those last shirts are, and the arms far too long, and we don't want -anything like that to happen when you are buying a horse. I have been -talking to Mrs. Rolfs, and she says it is mere folly to buy the first -horse that is offered. Mrs. Rolfs says it stands to reason that a man -who wants to get rid of a horse would be the first man to offer it. As -soon as he learned we wanted a horse he would rush to us with the horse, -so as not to lose the chance of getting rid of it. And Mrs. Millington -says it is worse than foolish to wait until the very last horse is -offered and then buy that one, for the man that hung back in that way -would undoubtedly be the man that did not particularly care to part with -his horse, and would feel that he was doing us a favour, and would ask -a perfectly unreasonable price. The thing to do, John, is to buy, as -nearly as possible, the middle horse that is offered. If twenty-one -horses were offered the thing to do would be to buy the eleventh horse, -and in that way we would be sure to get a good horse at a reasonable -price." - -I told Isobel that what she said was perfectly logical, and that I would -get right to work and frame up an advertisement for the local paper, -saying we wanted a horse and would be glad to examine twenty-one of -them. - -"Now, wait a minute," she said, when I had started for my desk, "and -don't be in too great a hurry. You know the mistake you made in those -last socks you bought, by going into the first store you came to, and -the very first time you put on those socks they wore full of holes. We -don't want a horse that will wear like that. Mrs. Rolfs says we must be -very particular what sort of man we buy our horse from. She says it is -like suicide to buy a horse from a dealer, because a dealer knows so -much more about horses than we do, and is up to so many tricks, that he -would have no trouble at all in fooling us, and we would probably get a -horse that was worth nothing at all. And Mrs. Millington says it is the -greatest mistake in the world to buy a horse from an ordinary suburban -commuter. She says commuters know nothing at all about horses and just -buy them blindfold, and that, if we buy a horse from a commuter, we are -sure to get a worthless horse that the commuter has had foisted upon him -and is anxious to get rid of. The person to buy a horse of, John, is a -person that knows all about horses, but who is not a dealer." - -"My idea exactly," I told Isobel, and started for my desk again. - -"John, dear," said Isobel, before I had taken two steps, "why are you -always so impetuous? Of course I want a horse, and I would like to have -it as soon as possible, but I believe in exercising a little common -sense. Where, may I ask, are you going to keep the horse when you have -got him?" - -Now, this had not occurred to me, but I answered promptly. - -"I shall put him out to board," I said unhesitatingly, and there was -really nothing else I could say, for there was no stable on my place. I -know plenty of suburbanites who keep horses and have them boarded at the -livery stables. But this did not please Isobel. - -"You must do nothing of the kind!" said Isobel firmly. "Mrs. Rolfs and -Mrs. Millington both say there is nothing worse for a good horse than -to put it out to board. Mrs. Rolfs says it is much cheaper to keep your -horse in your own bam, and Mrs. Millington says she would have a very -low opinion of any man who would trust his horse to a liveryman. She -says the horse is man's most faithful servant, and should be treated -as such, and that she has not the least doubt that the liveryman -would underfeed our horse, and then let it out to hire to some young -harum-scarum, who would whip it into a gallop until it got overheated, -and then water it when it was so hot the water would sizzle in its -stomach, creating steam and giving it a bad case of colic. And Mrs. -Rolfs says the liveryman would be pleased with this, rather than sorry, -for then he would have to call in the veterinary, who would divide his -fee with the liveryman. So, you see, we must keep our horse in our own -stable." - -"But, my dear," I protested, "we have no stable." - -"Then we must build one," said Isobel with decision. "Mrs. Rolfs, as -soon as she heard we were going to keep a horse, lent me a magazine with -a picture of a very nice stable, and Mrs. Millington lent me another -magazine with some excellent hints on how a modern stable should be -arranged, and I think, with all the modern methods of doing things -rapidly, we might have our stable all complete in a week, or ten days at -the most." - -[Illustration: 61] - -When I looked at Mrs. Rolfs's picture of a stable I felt immediately -that it would not suit my purse. I admitted to Isobel that it was a -handsome stable, and that the cupola with the weather vane looked very -well indeed, and that the idea of having two wings extended from the -main building to form a sort of court was a good one; but I told her -it would inconvenience the traffic on the street before our house if we -moved our house far enough into the street to permit putting a stable of -that size in our back-yard. I also told her, as gently as I could, that -the style of architecture did not suit our house, for while our house -is a plain house, the stable recommended by Mrs. Rolfs was pressed brick -and stained shingles, with a slate roof. I also pointed out to Isobel -that one horse hardly needed a stable of that size, and that even a very -large horse would feel lonely in the main building. - -I remarked jocosely that it would be well enough, if we could keep two -or three grooms with nothing to do but hunt through the stable, trying -to find the horse. If we could afford to do that, it would be a pleasure -to awaken in the morning and have one of the grooms come running to us -with the light of joy on his face, saying, "What do you think, sir? - -"But I told her it would inconvenience the traffic on the street before -our house if we moved our house far enough into the street to permit -putting a stable of that size in our backyard." - -Isobel smiled in a wan, sad way at this, so I did not say, as I had -intended saying if she had received my joke well, that the only horse -requiring wings was Pegasus, and that he furnished his own. - -Instead, I took up Mrs. Millington's article on the modern stable. -It was a masterly article, indeed, and it spoke highly of the gravity -stable. No hay forks, no pitching up forage, no elevating feed, no -loading of manure from a heap into a wagon. No, indeed! Everything must -go down; the natural law of gravitation must do the work. Three stories, -with the rear of the stable against the side of the hill. Drive your -feed into the top story and unload it. Slide it down into the second -story to the horse. Through a trap in the stall the manure falls into a -wagon waiting to receive it. - -There were other details--electric lights, silver-mounted chains, -and other little things--but I did not pay much attention to them. I -explained to Isobel that it would be difficult to build a firm, -solid hill, large enough to back a three-story stable against, in our -backyard. Of course, there were plenty of hills in our part of Long -Island that were lying idle and might be had at low cost, but it costs -a great deal to move a hill, and all of them were so large they would -overlap our property and bury the homes of Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington. -This did not greatly impress Isobel, however, and I had to come out -firmly and tell her it would be impossible to build a stable three -stories high, with two wings, pressed brick, shingle walls, slate roof, -and a weather vane, and at the same time erect a nice hill and buy a -horse and rig, all with one thousand dollars, which was all the money I -could afford to spend. - -When I put it that way, and gave her her choice of one thousand dollars' -worth of hill, or one thousand dollars' worth of stable, or one thousand -dollars' worth of assorted horse, stable, and rig, she chose the last, -and only remarked that she would insist on the weather vane and the -manure pit. She said that Mrs. Rolfs had taken such an interest, -bringing over the magazine, that it was only right to have the weather -vane, at least; and that Mrs. Millington had been so interested and kind -that the very least we could do was to have the manure pit. - -"And another thing," said Isobel, "Mr. Prawley is going to move out of -the flat overhead." - -"Great Csar!" I exclaimed. "Is that man quitting again? Isn't he -getting enough wages?" - -"Wages?" said Isobel. "Nothing has been said about wages. But this -Mr. Prawley will not stay if we buy a horse. He says he does not mind -gardening your garden and mowing your lawn and taking all your other -outdoor exercise for you, but that a horse once reached over the side of -the stall and bit him, and he doesn't want to work--to live in a place -where horses are liable to bite him at any time without a minute's -notice." - -"Tell that fellow," I said, "that we will get a horse that doesn't bite, -or that we will muzzle the horse, or--" - -"It would be easier," said Isobel, "to--to have a Prawley move in who -was not afraid of horses. I know of a man in East Westcote, and he has -had experience with horses--" - -"Very well," I said. "I suppose you will wish your allowance increased?" - -"Yes," said Isobel, "if the new Mr. Prawley moves into the flat -overhead, I will need about five dollars a month more than you have been -allowing me." - - - - -IV. "BOB" - -THE next morning I stayed at home to see about getting the stable built -in a hurry, but before I had finished breakfast Millington came over and -said it was an ideal day for a little spin up to Port Lafayette in his -automobile. He said the whole machine was in perfect order and we would -dash out to Port Lafayette, have a bath in the salt water, and come -spinning back, and he told Isobel and me to get on our hats, and he -would have the car before the door in a minute. - -Isobel and I hastily finished our coffee and put on our hats and went -out to the gate, for, although we were very eager to build the stable, -we did not like to offend Millington by refusing his invitation, when -he had asked us so often to go to Port Lafayette. In half an hour he -arrived at the gate, and we climbed in. - -Our usual custom, on these trips to Port Lafayette, was for Millington -and me to sit in front, while Isobel and Mrs. Millington sat in the -rear. There was a nice little gate in the rear by which they could -enter. - -You see, Millington's automobile was just a little old. I should not go -so far as to say it was the first automobile ever made. It was probably -the thirteenth, and Millington was probably the thirteenth owner. I know -it had four cylinders, because Millington was constantly remarking that -only three were working. Sometimes only one worked, and sometimes that -one did not. - -When we were all comfortably arranged in our seats, and all snugly -tucked in, Millington cranked the machine for half an hour, and then -remarked regretfully that this was one of the days none of the cylinders -was working, and we got out again. - -Mr. Rolfs had come out to see us start, and he helped Millington and -me push the automobile back to the Millington garage; and as I walked -homeward he said he had heard I was going to buy a horse, and he wanted -to give me a little advice. - -"Probably you have not given much attention to the subject of -deforestation," he said, "but I have, and it is the great crime of our -age." - -I told him I did not see what that had to do with my purchasing a horse, -but he said it had everything to do with it. - -"When you buy a horse, you have to erect a stable," he said, "and when -you erect a stable, you have to buy lumber, and when you have to -buy lumber, you suffer in your purse because the forests have been -ruthlessly destroyed. As a friend and neighbour I would not have you go -and purchase poor lumber, and with it build a stable that will rot to -pieces in a few years. You must buy the best lumber, and that is too -expensive to use recklessly. I want to warn you particularly about wire -nails. Do not let your builder use them. They loosen in a short time -and allow the boards to warp and crack. Personally, if I were building -a stable I should have the ends of the boards dovetailed, and instead of -nails I should use ash pegs, but I understand you do not wish to go to -great expense, so screws will do. Let it be part of your contract that -not a nail shall be used in your stable--nothing but screws, and if you -can afford brass screws, so much the better. But remember, no nails!" - -I thanked Rolfs, and when Millington came over to invite me to take a -little run up to Port Lafayette the next morning I told him what Mr. -Rolfs had said. - -"Now that is just like Rolfs," he said, "impractical as the day is long. -Screws would not do at all. The carpenters would drive the screws with -a hammer, and the screws would crack the wood. Take my advice and let it -be part of your contract that not a screw is to be used in your stable; -nothing but wire nails. _But_ stipulate long wire nails; wire nails so -long that they will go clear through and clinch on the other side, and -then see that each and every nail is clinched. If you do this you will -have no trouble with split lumber and not a board will work loose." - -When I spoke to the builder about the probable cost of the stable, I was -sorry I had been so lenient with Isobel, and that I had not put my foot -down on the weather vane at once. A weather vane does not add to the -comfort of a family horse, and the longer I spoke with the builder the -surer I became that what I needed was not a lot of gimcracks, but a -plain, simple, story-and-a-half affair, with the chaste architectural -lines of a dry-goods box. I mentioned, casually, the hints Mr. Rolfs -and Mr. Millington had given me, but the builder did not seem very -enthusiastic about them. He snorted in a peculiar way and then said that -if I was going in for that sort of thing I could get better results by -having no nails or screws at all. He said I could have holes bored -in the boards with a gimlet, and have the stable laced together with -rawhide thongs, but that when I got ready to talk business in a sensible -way, I could let him know. He said this was his busy day, and that his -office was not a lunatic asylum. - -I managed to calm him in less than half an hour, and he remained quite -docile until I mentioned Isobel and said she hoped he would have the -stable ready for the horse within a week. It took me much longer to calm -him that time. For a few moments I feared for his reason. But he quieted -down. - -Then I showed him a plan I had drawn, showing the working of the manure -dump, and this had quite a different effect on him. It pleased him -immensely, as I could see by his face. I explained how it operated; how -throwing a catch allowed one end of the stall floor to drop, while the -other end of the stall floor was held in place by hinges, and he said it -was certainly a new idea. He asked me whether it was Mr. Rolfs's idea -or Mr. Millington's, and when I told him I had worked out the plan -myself, he said he had rather thought so. - -"It is just such a plan as I should expect a man of your intelligence to -work out," he said. - -Then he asked to see my bank-book, and when I had shown him just how -much money I had, he said the best way to build the stable was by the -day. If it was built by the job, he explained, a builder naturally had -to hurry the job, and things were not done as carefully as I wished -them done; but if it was done by the day, every hammer stroke would be -carefully made, and I could pay every evening for the work done that -day. - -About the third week of the building operations those careful hammer -strokes began to get on my nerves. I never knew hammer strokes so -carefully considered and so cautiously delivered. The carpenters were -most careful about them, and several times I spoke to the builder and -suggested that if shorter nails were used perhaps it would not take -so many strokes of the hammer to drive them in. I told him, if he was -willing, I was willing to have the rest of the stable done by the job, -but he said it had gone too far for that. - -There were two men working on my stable--"two souls with but a single -thought," Isobel called them--and they were hard thinkers. The two of -them would take hold of a board, one at either end, and hold it in -their hands, and look at it, and think. I do not know what they thought -about--deforestation, probably--but they would think for ten minutes -and then put the board gently to one side and think about another board. -They did their thinking, as they did their work, by the day. - -[Illustration: 77] - -We had plenty of time in which to select our horse while our stable was -building. My advertisement in the local paper brought a horse to my door -the morning after it appeared, and no horse could have suited me quite -so well as that one, but I was resolute and firm. I told the man--he was -not a dealer nor yet a commuter, and my conversation with him showed me -that he knew just enough, and not too much, about horses--that I liked -his horse very well indeed, but that I could not purchase it.. At -this he seemed downcast, and I did not blame him. He seemed to take my -refusal as some sort of personal insult, for the horse was young, large, -strong, gentle, and speedy, and the price was right; but every time -I began to weaken Isobel said, "John, remember number eleven!" and I -refrained from purchasing that horse. I finally sent the man away with -warm expressions of my esteem for him as a man, but that did not seem to -cheer him much. - -An hour later another man brought another horse, and I sent him away -also, as was my duty, for he was only number two; but he was hardly gone -when horse number one appeared again. I saw at once that I was going -to have trouble with that man. He was so sure he had the horse I wanted -that he would not go away and stay away. He kept coming back, and each -time he went away sadder than before. He was a sad-looking man, anyway, -and he would sit in his buggy and talk to me until another horse was -driven up, and then he would sigh and drive down to the corner, and sit -and look at me reproachfully until the other man drove away again. Then -he would drive back and reproach me, with tears in his eyes, for not -buying his horse. By lunch time I was almost worn out, and I told Isobel -as much when I looked out of the window and saw that handsome horse and -his sad driver waiting patiently at my gate. I told her I was tempted to -take that horse, Mrs. Rolfs or no Mrs. Rolfs. - -"Take that horse?" said Isobel, as if my words surprised her. "Why, of -course we are going to take that horse!" - -"But, my dear," I said, "after what you told me about taking the -eleventh horse?" - -"Certainly," said Isobel. "What is this but the eleventh horse? It came -first, and then another horse came, and then this one came third, and -then some other horse came, and then this one came fifth, and so on, and -now it is standing there at the gate, the eleventh horse. Certainly we -will buy this horse." - -"Isobel," I said, "we might quite as well have bought it the first time -it was driven to our gate as this time." - -"Not at all," she said; "that would have been an altogether different -thing. If we had taken the first horse that was offered we would have -regretted it all our lives; but now we can take this horse and feel -perfectly safe." - -Bob--that was the name of the horse--fitted into our stable pretty well. -He had to bend rather sharply in the middle to get out of his stall, but -he was quite limber for a horse of his age and size, so he managed -it very well. A stiffer horse might have broken in two or have been -permanently bent. The stall was so economically built that a large, -long horse like Bob stuck out of it like a long ship in a short dock; he -stuck out so far that we had to go around through the carriage room to -get on the other side of him. Our new Mr. Prawley did not mind this. He -was willing to spend all the time necessary going from one bit of work -to another. - -There was one advantage in having the stable and everything about it on -a small scale--it lessened the depth of the manure pit. The very first -night we put Bob in his stall we heard a loud noise in the stable. -Isobel suggested that we had overfed Bob, and that he had swelled out -and pressed out the sides of the stable, but I thought it more likely -that the weather-boarding had slipped loose. I had seen the thoughtful -carpenters putting that weather-boarding on the stable. But Isobel and I -were both wrong. Bob had merely dropped into the manure pit. - -I was glad then that I had chosen a strong horse, for he did not seem -to mind the drop in the least. He stood there with his front feet in the -basement, as you might say, and with his rear feet upstairs, quite as -if that was his usual way of standing. After that he often fell into the -manure pit, and he always took it good-naturedly. He got so he expected -it, after awhile, and if his stall floor did not drop once a day, he -became restless and took no interest in his food. Usually, during the -day, Bob and Mr. Prawley dropped into the basement together while Mr. -Prawley was currying Bob, but at night, when we heard Bob calling us in -the homesick, whinnying tone, and kicking his heels against the side -of the stable, we knew what he wanted, and to prevent him kicking the -stable to ruins, we--Isobel and I--would go out and drop him into the -basement a couple of times. Then he would be satisfied. - -There was but one thing we feared: Bob might become so fond of having -his forefeet in the basement and his rear feet upstairs, that he would -stand no other way, and in course of time his front legs would have to -lengthen enough to let his head reach his manger, or his neck would have -to stretch. Either would give him the general appearance of a giraffe. -While this would be neat for show purposes, it would attract almost too -much attention in a family horse. I have no doubt this is the way the -giraffe acquired its peculiar construction, but we were able to avoid -it, for we awoke one night when Bob made an unaided descent into the -manure pit, and when we went to aid him we found he had descended at -both ends, on account of the economical hinges used on the drop floor -of the stall of our equine palace. Bob showed in every way that he had -enjoyed that drop more than any drop he had ever taken, but I drew the -line there. I had other things to do more important than conducting a -private Coney Island for a horse. If Bob had been a colt I might not -have been so stern about it, but I will not pamper a staid old family -horse by operating shoot-the-chutes and loop-the-loops for him at two -o'clock in the morning. - -"Isobel," I said, "if that horse is to continue in my stable you may -tell Mr. Prawley that it is necessary for his health that he sleep in -the stable-loft hereafter. It will be good exercise for him to get up at -midnight and pull Bob out of the manure pit." - -"This present Mr. Prawley will not do it," said Isobel. "He has a wife -and family at East Westcote, and he--" - -"Very well," I said, "then get another Mr. Prawley!" - -Of the new Mr. Prawley it is necessary to speak a few words. - - - - -V. THE NEW MR. PRAWLEY - - -THE new Mr. Prawley (by this time a family, but we still clung to the -name Prawley, just as all coloured waiters are called "George") was a -most unusual man. - -For a month before we hired him he had been trying to undermine Isobel's -faith in the Mr. Prawley from East Westcote. He had called at the house -two or three times a week. At first he merely asked for the job of -man-of-all-work, as any applicant might have asked for it, but he soon -began speaking of our Prawley in the most damaging terms. I believe -there was hardly a crime or misdemeanour that he did not lay at the door -of our Mr. Prawley, and so insistent was he that Isobel and I had ceased -to speak of him as living in our attic. - -Isobel decided the two men must be deadly enemies, and that this -fellow was set on hounding our Mr. Prawley from pillar to post, like an -avenging angel. She concluded that this man must have been frightfully -wronged by our Mr. Prawley, and that he had sworn to dog his footsteps -to the grave. - -But when she let our Mr. Prawley go and hired this new Mr. Prawley, -his interest in his predecessor ceased entirely. In place of the eager, -longing look his face had worn, he now wore a thin, satisfied look, -which I can best describe as that of a hungry jackal licking his chops. -Mr. Prawley--his name, he told us, was Duggs, Alonzo Duggs, but we -called him Mr. Prawley--was a tall, lean, villanous-looking fellow, with -a red, pointed beard, and at times when he leaned on the division fence -and looked into Mr. Millington's yard I could see his fingers opening -and shutting like the claws of a bird of prey. He seemed to hate Mr. -Millington With a deep but hidden hatred, and often, when Mr. Millington -was preparing to take Isobel and me to Port Lafayette, Mr. Prawley would -stand and grit his teeth in the most unpleasant manner. When I spoke -to Mr. Prawley about it he said, "It isn't Mr. Millington. It is the -automobile. I hate automobiles!" - -For that matter, I was beginning to hate them myself. Many a pleasant -ride behind Bob did I have to sacrifice because Millington insisted that -we take a little run up to Port Lafayette with him and Mrs. Millington. -We would all get into his car, and Millington would pull his cap down -tight, and begin to frown and cock his head on one side to hear signs of -asthma or heart throbs or whatever the automobile might take a notion to -have that day. And off we would go! - -I tell you, it was exhilarating. After all there is nothing like -motoring. We would roll smoothly down the street, with Millington -frowning like a pirate all the way, and then suddenly he would hear the -noise he was listening for, and he would stop frowning, and jerk a lever -that stopped the car, and hop out with a satisfied expression, and begin -to whistle, and open the car in eight places, and take out an assorted -hardware store, and adhesive tape, and blankets, and oil cans, and -hatchets, and axes, and get to work on the car as happy as a babe; and -Mrs. Millington and Isobel and I would walk home. - -The sight of an automobile seemed to madden Mr. Prawley, but otherwise -he was the meekest of men, and a good example of this was the manner in -which he behaved at our Christmas party. - -The idea of having a good, old-fashioned Christmas house party for our -city friends was Isobel's idea, but the moment she mentioned it I adopted -it, and told her we would have Jimmy Dunn out. Jimmy Dunn is one of -those rare men that have acquired the suburban-visit habit. Usually when -we suburbanites invite a city friend to spend the week-end with us, the -city friend balks. - -Into his frank eyes comes a furtive, shifty look as he tries to think -of an adequate lie to serve as an excuse for not coming, but Jimmy was -taken in hand when he was young and flexible, and he has become meek and -docile under adversity, as I might say. When any one invites Jimmy to -the suburbs he hardly makes a struggle. I suppose it is because of the -gradual weakening of his will power. - -"Good!" I said. "We will have Jimmy Dunn out over Christmas." - -"Oh! Jimmy Dunn!" scoffed Isobel gently. "Of course we will have Jimmy, -but what I mean is to have a lot of people--ten at least--and we must -have at least two lovers, because they will look so well in that little -alcove room off the parlour, and we can go in and surprise them once -in a while. And we will have a Santa Claus, and lots of holly and -mistletoe, and a tree with all sorts of foolish presents on it for every -one, and--" - -"Splendid!" I cried less enthusiastically. - -"Now as for the ten--" - -"Well," said Isobel, "we will have Jimmy Dunn--" - -"That is what I suggested," I said meekly. "We will have Jimmy Dunn," -repeated Isobel, "and then we will have--we will have--I wonder who we -could get to come out. Mary might come, if she wasn't in Europe." - -"That would make two," I said cheerfully, "if she wasn't in Europe." -"And we must have a Yule-log!" exclaimed Isobel. "A big, blazing -Yule-log, to drink wassail in front of, and to sing carols around." -I told Isobel that, as nearly as I could judge, the fireplaces in our -house had not been constructed for big, blazing Yule-logs. I reminded -her that when I had spoken to the last owner about having a grate fire -he had advised us, with great excitement, not to attempt anything so -rash. He had said that if we were careful we might have a gas-log, -provided it was a small one and we did not turn on the gas full force, -and were sure our insurance was placed in a good, reliable company. He -had said that if we were careful about those few things, and kept a -pail of water on the roof in case of emergency, we might use a gas-log, -provided we extinguished it as soon as we felt any heat coming from it. -I had not, at the time, thought of mentioning a Yule-log to him, but -I told Isobel now that perhaps we might be able to find a small, -gas-burning Yule-log at the gas company's office. Isobel scoffed at the -idea. She said we might as well put a hot-water bottle in the grate and -try to be merry around that. - -"I don't see," she said, "why people build chimneys in houses if it is -going to be dangerous to have a fire in the fireplace." - -"They improve the ventilation, I suppose," I said, "and then, what would -Santa Claus come down if there were no chimneys?" - -I frequently drop these half-joking remarks into my conversations with -Isobel, and not infrequently she smiles at them in a faraway manner, but -this time she jumped at the remark and seized it with both hands. - -"John!" she cried, "that is the very, very thing! We will have Santa -Claus come down the chimney! And you will be Santa Claus!" I remained -calm. Some men would have immediately remembered they had prior -engagements for Christmas. Some men would have instantly declared that -Santa Claus was an unworthy myth. But not I! I dropped upon my hands and -knees and gazed up the chimney. When I withdrew my head, I stood up and -grasped Isobel's hand. - -"Fine!" I cried with well-simulated enthusiasm. "I'll get an automobile -coat from Millington, and sleigh bells and a mask with a long white -beard--" - -"And a wig with long white hair," Isobel added joyously. - -"And while our guests are all at dinner," I cried, "I will steal away -from the table--" - -"John!" exclaimed Isobel. "You can't be Santa Claus! Can't you see that -it would never, never do for you to leave the table when your guests -were all there? You cannot be Santa Claus, John!" - -"Oh, Isobel!" - -"No," she said firmly, "you cannot be Santa Claus. Jimmy Dunn must be -Santa Claus!" - -We had Jimmy Dunn out the next Sunday and broke it to him as gently as -we could, and explained what a lot of fun it would be for him, and how -I envied him the chance. For some reason he did not become wildly -enthusiastic. Instead he kneeled down, as I had done, and put his head -into the fireplace, in his usual slow-going manner, and looked up to -where the small oblong of blue sky glowed far, far above him. - -When he withdrew his head, he began some maundering talk about, an uncle -of his in Baltimore who was far from well, and who was likely to be -extremely dead or sick or married about Christmas time, but I had had -too much experience with such excuses to pay any attention to him. -Isobel and I gathered about him and talked as fast as we could, with -merry little laughs, and presently Jimmy seemed more resigned, and said -he supposed if he had to be Santa Claus there was no way out of it if -he wanted t o keep our friendship. So when he suggested getting an -automobile coat to wear, we hailed it as a splendidly original idea, -and patted him on the back, and he went away in a rather good humour, -particularly when we told him he need not come all the way down from the -top of the chimney, but could get into the chimney from the room above -the parlour. I told him it would be no trouble at all to take out the -iron back of the fireplace, for it was almost falling out, and that we -would have a ladder in the chimney for him to come down. - -It was Mrs. Rolfs who changed our plans. - -As soon as she heard we were going to have a Santa Claus, she brought -over a magazine and showed Isobel an article that said Santa Claus was -lacking in originality, and that it was much better to have two little -girls dressed as snow fairies distribute the presents from the tree, -and Mrs. Rolfs said she was willing to lend us her two daughters, if we -insisted. So we had to insist. - -[Illustration: 99] - -By the merest oversight, such as might occur in any family excited over -the preparations for a Christmas party, Isobel forgot to tell Jimmy Dunn -that the plan was changed. She had enough to think of without thinking -of that, for she found, at the last moment, that she could not pick up a -regularly constituted pair of lovers for the little alcove room, and -she had to patch up a temporary pair of lovers by inviting Miss Seiler, -depending on Jimmy Dunn to do the best he could as the other half of the -pair. Of course Jimmy Dunn does not talk much, and it was apt to be a -surprise to him to learn he was scheduled to make love, but Miss Seiler -talks enough for two. When Jimmy arrived, about four o'clock Christmas -eve, Isobel let him know he was to be a lover, but he was then in the -house, and it was too late for him to get away. - -Isobel had done nobly in securing guests. Jimmy and Miss Seiler were the -only guests from the city, but she had captured some suburbanites. Ten -of us made merry at the table--that is, all ten except Jimmy. I was -positively ashamed of Jimmy. There we were at the culminating hours of -the merry Yule-tide, gathered at the festive board itself, with a bowl -of first-rate home-made wassail with ice in it, and Jimmy was expected -to smile lovingly, and blush, and all that sort of thing, and what did -he do? He sat as mute as a clam, and started uneasily every time a new -course appeared. Before dessert arrived he actually arose and asked to -be excused. - -Now, if _you_ intended making a fool of yourself in a friend's house by -impersonating Santa Claus and coming down a chimney in a fur automobile -coat, and nonsense like that, _you_ would have sense enough to remember -which room upstairs had the chimney that led down into the parlour -fireplace, wouldn't you? So I blame Jimmy entirely, and so does Isobel. -Jimmy says--of course he had to have some excuse--that we might have -told him we had given up the idea of having Santa Claus come down the -chimney, and that if we had wanted him to come down any particular -chimney we should have put a label on it. "Santa Claus enter here," I -suppose. - -Jimmy said he did the best he could; that he knew he did not have much -time between the threatened appearance of the dessert and the time -he was supposed to issue from the fireplace--and so on! He was quite -excited about it. Quite bitter, I may say. - -It seems--or so Jimmy says--that, when he left the table, Jimmy went -upstairs and got into his automobile coat of fur, and his felt boots, -and his mask, and his fur gloves, and his long white hair, and his -stocking hat, and that about the time we were sipping coffee he was -ready. He says it was no joke to be done up in all those things in an -overheated house, and he thought if he got into the chimney he might -be in a cool draught, so he poked about until he found a fireplace and -backed carefully into it, and pawed with his left foot for the top rung -of the ladder. That was about the time we arose from the table with -merry laughs, as nearly as Isobel and I can judge. - -No one missed Jimmy, except Miss Seiler, and she was so unused to being -made love to as Jimmy made love that she thought nothing of a temporary -absence. It was not until I took Jimmy's present from the tree and sent -one of the Rolfs fairies to hand it to Jimmy that we realized he was not -in the parlour, and then Isobel and I both felt hurt to think that -Jimmy had selfishly withdrawn from among us when we had gone to all the -trouble of getting the other half of a pair of lovers especially on his -account. It was not fair to Miss Seiler, and I told Jimmy so the next -time I saw him. - -When the Rolfs fairy had looked in all the rooms, upstairs and down, and -had not found Jimmy, she came back and told Isobel, and that was when -Isobel remembered she had forgotten to tell Jimmy we had given up the -idea of having a Santa Claus. Isobel looked up the parlour chimney, but -he was not there, and then we all started merrily looking up chimneys. -We found Santa Claus up the library chimney almost immediately. He was -still kicking, but not with much vim--more like a man that is kicking -because he has nothing else to do than like a man that enjoys it. - -I think we must have been gathering around the Christmas tree to the -cheery music of a carol when Santa Claus put his foot on a loose brick -in the fireplace and slipped. I claim that if Santa Claus had instantly -thrown his body forward he would have been safe enough, but Santa Claus -says he did not have time--that he slid down the chimney immediately, as -far as his arms would let him. He says that when he caught the edge of -the hearth with his hands he did yell; that he yelled as loud as any -man could who was wrapped in a fur coat and had his mouth full of white -horse-hair whiskers and his face covered by a mask. I say that proves he -yelled just as we were singing the carol. He should have yelled a moment -sooner, or should have waited half an hour, until the noise in the -parlour abated. Santa Claus says he tried to stay there half an hour, -but the two bricks he had grasped did not want to wait. They wanted to -hurry down the chimney without further delay, and they had their own way -about it. So Santa Claus went on down with them. - -I tell Santa Claus that even if we were singing carols we would have -heard him if he had fallen to the library floor with a bump, and that it -was his fault if he did not fall heavily, but he blames the architect. -He says that if the chimney had been built large enough he would have -done his part and would have fallen hard, but that when he reached the -narrow part of the chimney he wedged there. I said that was the fault -of wearing an automobile coat that padded him out so he could not fall -through an ordinary chimney, and I asked him if he thought any man who -meant to fall down chimneys had ever before put on an automobile coat to -fall in. - -Certainly I, the host, could not be expected to stop the laughter and -merriment when I was taking presents from the tree, and bid every one be -silent and listen for the muffled tones of a Santa Claus in the library -chimney. I do not say Santa Claus did not yell as loudly as he could. -Doubtless he did. And I do not say he did not try to get out of the -chimney. He says he did, but that with his arms crowded above his head -he could do nothing but reach. He says he also kicked, but there was -nothing to kick. He says the most fruitless task in the world is to kick -when wedged in a chimney with a whole fur automobile coat crowded up -under the arms and nothing below to kick but air. - -Luckily I was able to send for Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington, whose -advice is always valuable, since when I know what they advise I know -what not to do. Mr. Rolfs rushed in and was of the opinion that we must -get a chisel and chisel a hole in the library wall as near as possible -to where Santa Claus was reposing, but when Mr. Millington arrived, -breathless, he said this would be simple murder, for as likely as not -the chisel would enter between two bricks and perforate Santa Claus -beyond repair. Mr. Millington said the thing to do was to get a -clothesline and attach it to Santa Claus's feet and pull him down. He -said it was logical to pull him downward, because we would then be aided -by the law of gravitation. Mr. Rolfs said this was nonsense, and that -it would only wedge Santa Claus in the chimney more tightly, and that we -would, in all probability, pull him in two, or at least stretch him out -so long that he would never be very useful again. - -Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington became quite heated in their argument. Mr. -Rolfs said that if a rope was to be used it should be used to pull Santa -Claus upward, but they compromised by agreeing to cut the clothesline -in two, choose up sides, and let one side pull Santa Claus upward, -while the other pulled him downward. Then Santa Claus would move in -the direction of least resistance. So they got the clothesline, and Mr. -Rolfs was about to cut it, when Miss Seiler screamed. - -I was doubly glad she screamed just at that juncture, for we had all -become so interested in the Rolfs-Millington controversy that we had -forgotten how perishable a human being is, and, with two such stubborn -men as Rolfs and Millington urging us on, we might have pulled -Santa Claus in two while our sporting instincts were aroused by the -tug-of-war. That was one reason I was glad Miss Seiler screamed. The -other reason was that it showed she was doing her share of representing -one half of a pair of lovers. She had done rather poorly up to that -time, but she saw that when her lover was about to be pulled asunder was -the time to scream, if she was ever going to scream, so she screamed. -So we all went upstairs and let the rope down to Santa Claus, and the -entire merry Christmas house party pulled, and after we had jerked a few -times up came Santa Claus with a sudden bump. - -At that moment Miss Seiler screamed again, and when we turned we saw -the reason, for the glass door to the little upper porch had opened and -Jimmy Dunn was entering the room. - -We laid Santa Claus on the floor and let him kick, for he seemed to have -acquired the habit, but after awhile he slowed down and only jerked his -legs spasmodically. Mr. Millington explained that it was only the reflex -action of the muscles, and that probably Santa Claus would kick like -that for several months, whenever he lay down. He said if we had -followed his advice and pulled downward we would have yanked all the -reflex action out of the legs. - -As soon as I pulled the mask from his face I recognized Mr. Prawley. -Jimmy slipped out of the room and walked all the way to the station, and -Miss Seiler stood around, not knowing whether she was to be half of -a pair of lovers with Mr. Prawley as the other half, or stop being a -lover, or weep because Jimmy had gone. I felt sorry for her, because Mr. -Prawley was not a good specimen of a Christmas lover just then. When -we stood him on his feet his trousers were still pushed up around his -knees, and his fur coat was around his neck. He was so weak we had to -hold him up. - -"What I want to know," said Mr. Millington, "is what you were doing in -that chimney in my automobile coat?" - -"Doing?" said Mr. Prawley. "Why, I'm jolly old Santa Claus. I come down -chimneys." - -"Well, my advice to you, Mr. Prawley," I said, "is to stop it. You don't -do it at all right. Don't try it again. I've had enough of this jolly -old Santa Claus business. Who told you to do it?" - -"The little gentleman with the scared look," said Mr. Prawley, looking -around for Jimmy Dunn. "He isn't here." - -"And what did he give you for doing it?" I asked. - -"Nothing!" said Mr. Prawley. "He just--" - -"Just what?" I asked when he hesitated. Mr. Prawley drew me to one side -and whispered. - -"He said I might wear an automobile coat. And I couldn't resist the -temptation," said Mr. Prawley. "I've been hankering to get inside an -automobile coat for weeks and weeks, sir. I couldn't resist." - -Of course, I could make nothing of this at the time, so I merely said a -few words of good advice, and ordered Mr. Prawley never to try the Santa -Claus impersonation again. - -"Of course, I'm only an amateur at it," said Mr. Prawley apologetically, -and then he brightened, "but I made good speed as far as I got. I'll bet -I broke the world's speed record for jolly old Santa Clauses!" - - - - -VI. THE SPECKLED HEN - -IN ORDER to relieve the reader's suspense, I may as well say here that -Jimmy Dunn did not marry Miss Seiler. It is too bad to have to sacrifice -what promised to be a first-class love interest, but the truth is that -there is less chance of Jimmy ever marrying Miss Seiler than there -seemed likelihood of Isobel and me reaching Port Lafayette in Mr. -Millington's automobile. - -Usually when we started for Port Lafayette, my wife and Millington's -wife would dress for the matine or church, or wherever they intended -going that day, and when Millington heard the knocking sound in his -engine and began to get out his tools, they would excuse themselves -politely and go and spend the day in the city. They usually returned -in time to get into the car and ride back to the garage. But I stuck to -Millington. You never can tell when a car of that kind will be ready to -start up, and I was really very anxious to go to Port Lafayette. I spent -some very delightful days with Millington that way, for when he was -mending his car he was always in a charming humour, and as gay and -playful as a kitten. - -I began to fear that one, if not the only, reason why Mr. Millington was -always in such a good humour when his car was in a bad one, was because -I had told him that I had heard of a man in Port Lafayette who had a -fine farm of White Wyandotte chickens, and that I thought I might buy -some for my place. Millington does not believe in Wyandottes. He is all -for Orpingtons. - -It is remarkable how many wives object to chickens. I do not blame -Isobel for not liking chickens, for she was born in a flat, and I am -willing to make allowances for her lack of education; but why Mrs. Rolfs -and Mrs. Millington should dislike chickens was beyond my comprehension. -Both were born in the suburbs, and grew up in a real chickenish -atmosphere, and still they do not keep chickens. I must say, however, -that Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington are persons of greater intelligence. -Almost the first day I moved into the suburb of Westcote, Mr. Rolfs -leaned over the division fence and complimented me on my foresight in -purchasing such an admirable place on which to raise chickens. He told -me that if I needed any advice about chickens he would be glad to supply -me with all I wished, just as a neighbourly matter. He seemed to take it -as a matter of course that I would arrange for a lot of chickens as soon -as I was fairly settled on the place, and in this he was seconded by Mr. -Millington. - -When Mr. Millington saw Mr. Rolfs talking to me, he came right over and -said that, while he hated to boast, he had studied chickens from A to -Gizzard, and that when I was ready to get my chickens he could give me -some suggestions that would be simply invaluable. We talked the chicken -matter over very thoroughly, and I soon saw that they were men of -knowledge and deep experience in chicken matters, and when they had -decided that I would keep chickens, and what kind of chickens, and where -I should build the coop, and what kind of coop I should build, we all -shook hands warmly, and I went around front to tell Isobel. I was very -enthusiastic about chickens when I went. - -After I had interviewed Isobel for three minutes I learned, definitely, -that I was not going to keep chickens. There were a great many things -Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington had not said about chickens, and those were -the very things Isobel told me, and they were all reasons for not having -chickens on the place at all. She also threw in an opinion of Mr. Rolfs -and Mr. Millington. It seemed that they were two villains of the most -depraved sort, who did not dare keep chickens themselves because they -were afraid of their wives, and who were trying to steal a vicarious joy -by bossing my chickens when I got them, but that I was not going to get -any. Absolutely! - -Of course, I always do what Isobel tells me, and when she told me I was -not going to have chickens, I obeyed. But I merely told Mr. Rolfs -and Mr. Millington when they came over the next day, that I had been -thinking the matter over and that I was doubtful whether the south corner -or the north corner would be the best place for the coop. So we three -went and looked over the ground again. Both favoured the north corner, -so I hung back and seemed undecided and doubtful, and finally, in a week -or two, they agreed with me. - -[Illustration: 123] - -I never saw two men so anxious to have a neighbour keep chickens. They -were willing to let me have almost everything my own way. It was quite a -strain on me, for I had to think of a new objection to their plans every -day or so, but I could see the suspense was harder on Mr. Rolfs and Mr. -Millington. Every morning they came and hung over my fence wistfully, -and every evening they came over and talked chickens, and on the train -to town they spoke freely of the chickens they were going to keep. In -a month they were talking of the chickens they _were_ keeping, and -bragging about them; and old-seasoned chicken raisers used to hunt them -up and sit with them and ask for information on knotty points. - -Toward fall Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington were beginning to talk about -the large sums of money they were making out of their chickens, and -promising settings of their White Orpington and White Wyandotte eggs to -the commuters, and they began to be really annoying. They would stand -at the fence, hollow-eyed and hungry-looking, staring into my yard, and -when I passed they would make slighting remarks about me and the lack of -decision in my character. They said sneeringly that they did not believe -I would ever get any chickens. - -"You, Millington, and you, Rolfs," I said firmly, "should remember one -thing: I am the man who is getting these chickens, and the main thing in -raising chickens is to start right. I do not want to go into this thing -hastily and then regret it all my life. If you do not like my way, all -you have to do is to build coops yourselves and buy chickens and raise -them yourselves. Be patient. Every day I am learning more about chickens -from your conversations on the train, and when I do get my chickens you -will find I have profited by your suggestions." - -Millington and Rolfs had to be satisfied with that, so far as I was -concerned, for although I spoke to Isobel frequently on the subject of -chickens she had not changed. I silenced Millington by telling him I -would have chickens long before he ever succeeded in taking Isobel and -me to Port Lafayette in his automobile. - -"If that is all you are waiting for," he said, "we will start -to-morrow," and so we did; but that was all. - -Millington and Rolfs, during the winter, worked off some of their -surplus chicken energy writing letters to the poultry periodicals. My -friends in town began asking me why I did not keep chickens when I -lived near to such chicken experts as Rolfs and Millington, by whose -experience I could profit; but the worst came one day on the train when -Rolfs actually had the assurance to offer me a setting of his White -Wyandotte eggs. I blame Rolfs and Millington for acting in this way. No -man should brag about chickens he has not; I only bragged about those I -meant to get. - -By the time spring put forth her tender leaves, Rolfs and Millington -were so deep in their imaginary chicken business that they talked -nothing else, and all their spare time was spent in my yard, urging me -to hurry a little and get the chickens. - -"I wish you would hurry a bit in getting those chickens of mine," -Millington would say; "I ought to have at least ten hens sitting by this -time." And then Rolfs would say: "He is right about that. Unless you get -my White Wyandottes soon, the chicks will not be hatched out before -cold weather. I ought to have the hens on the eggs now." Occasionally I -mentioned chickens in an off-hand way to Isobel, but she had not changed -her views. - -"Now, Isobel," I would say, "about chickens--" - -At the word "chickens" Isobel would look at me reproachfully, and I -would end meekly: "About chickens, as I was saying. Don't you think we -could have a pair of broilers to-morrow?" - -As a matter of fact, this happened so often that I began to hate the -sight of a broiled chicken, and was forced to mention roast chicken once -in a while. It was after one of these times that the event happened that -stirred all Westcote. - -I had reached a point where I dodged Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington when -I saw them, in order to avoid their insistent clamour for chickens, when -one evening Isobel met me at the door with a smile. - -"John!" she cried. "What do you think! Our chicken laid an egg!" - -"Chicken?" I asked anxiously. "Did you say chicken?" - -"And I am going to give you the egg for dinner," cried Isobel joyfully. -"Just think, John! Our own egg, laid by our own chicken! Do you want -it fried, or boiled, or scrambled?" - -"Isobel," I demanded, "what is the meaning of all this?" - -"I just could not kill the hen," Isobel ran on, "after it had been -so--so friendly. Could I? I felt as if I would be killing one of the -family." - -"People do get to feeling that way about chickens when they keep them," -I said insinuatingly. "Why, Isobel, I have known wives to love chickens -so warmly--wives that had never cared a snap for chickens before--wives -that hated chickens--and they grew to love chickens so well that as -soon as the coop was made--of course it was a nice, clean, airy coop, -Isobel--and the dear little fluffy chicks began to peep about--" - -Isobel stiffened. - -"John," she said finally "you are not going to keep chickens!" - -"Certainly not!" I agreed hastily. - -"But of course we can't kill Spotty," said Isobel. "I call her Spotty -because that seems such a perfect name for her. I telephoned for a -roaster this morning, because you suggested having a roaster for dinner, -John, and when the roaster came it was a _live_ chicken! Imagine!" - -"Horrors!" I exclaimed. - -"I should think so!" agreed Isobel. "So there was nothing to do but -'phone the grocer to come and get the live roaster, but when I 'phoned, -his grandmother was much worse, and the store was closed until she -got better--or worse--and I couldn't bear to see the poor thing in the -basket with its legs tied all that time, for there is no telling how -long an old person like a grandmother will remain in the same condition, -so I loosened the roaster in the cellar, and at a quarter past four I -heard it cluck. It had laid an egg. I knew that the moment I heard it -cluck." - -"Isobel," I said, "you were born to be the wife of a chicken fancier! -You shall eat that egg!" - -"No, John," she said, "you shall eat it. It is our first real egg, laid -by our dear little Spotty, and you shall eat it." - -"No, Isobel," I began, and then, as I saw how determined she was, I -compromised. "Let us have the egg scrambled," I said, "and each of us -eat a part." - -"Very well," said Isobel, "if you will promise not to kill Spotty. We -will keep her forever and forever!" - -I agreed. Isobel kissed me for that. - -After we had eaten the egg--and both Isobel and I agreed that it was -really a superior egg--we went down cellar and looked at Spotty. I -should say she was a very intelligent-looking hen, but homely. There was -nothing flashy about her. She was the kind of hen a man might enter -in the Sweepstakes class, and not get a prize, and then enter in the -Consolation class and not get a prize, and then enter for the Booby -prize and still be outclassed, and then enter in the Plain Old Barnyard -Fowl class and not get within ten miles of a prize, and then be taken -to the butcher as a Boarding House Broiler, and be refused on account of -age, tough looks, and emaciation. - -She was no pampered darling of the hen house, but a plain old -Survival-of-the-Fittest Squawker; the kind of hen that along about the -first of May begins clucking in a vexed tone of voice, flies over the -top of a two-story bam, and wanders off somewhere into the tall grass -back of the cow pasture, to appear some weeks later with twelve chicks -of twelve assorted patterns, ranging from Shanghai-bantam to plain -yellow nondescript. She was a good, durable hen of the old school, with -a wary, startled eye, an extra loud squawk, and a brain the size of a -grain of salt. - -Spotty was the sort of hen that could go right along day after day -without steam heat or elevators in her coop and manage to make a living. -As soon as I saw her, my heart swelled with pride, for I knew I had -secured a very rare variety of hen. Since every man that can tell a -chicken from an ostrich--and some that can't--has become a chicken -fancier, the aristocratic, raised-by-hand, pedigree fowl has become as -common as dirt, and it is indeed difficult to secure a genuine mongrel -hen. I was elated. As nearly as I could judge by first appearances, I -was the owner of one of the most mongrel hens that ever laid a plain, -omelette-quality egg. - -When I had made a coop by nailing a few slats across the front of a soap -box, and had nailed Spotty in, I took the coop under my arm and went -into the back yard. Mr. Millington was there, and Mr. Rolfs was there, -and they were arguing angrily about the respective merits of White -Wyandottes and White Orpingtons, but when they saw me they uttered two -loud cries of joy and ran to meet me. I tried to cling to the coop, but -they wrested it from me and together carried it in triumph to the north -corner and set it on the grass. Mr. Millington pulled his compass from -his pocket and set the coop exactly as advised by "The Complete Poultry -Guide," with the bars facing the morning sun, and Rolfs hurried into the -back lot and hunted up a piece of bone, which he crushed with a brick -and placed in the coop, as advised by "The Gentleman Poultry Fancier." -He told us that a supply of bone was most necessary if he expected his -hen to lay eggs, and that he knew this hen of his was going to be a -great layer. He said he had given the egg question years of study, and -that he could tell a good egger when he saw one. - -[Illustration: 135] - -Millington told me his coop was not as he had meant it to be, but said -it would do until he could get one built according to scientific poultry -principles. He pointed out that the poultry coop should be heated by -steam, and showed me that there was no room in the soap box for a steam -heating plant. He said he would not trust his flock of chickens through -the winter unless there was steam heating installed. - -Then Rolfs and Millington said they guessed the first thing to do, as it -was so late in the season, was to set their hen immediately, and as it -would probably take Spotty thirteen days to lay enough eggs, they told -me to run down to the delicatessen store and buy thirteen eggs, while -they arranged a scientific nest in the corner of their coop, for sitting -purposes. When I suggested that perhaps Spotty was not ready to set, -they laughed at me. They said they could see I would never make a -prosperous chicken farmer if I put off until to-morrow what the hen -ought to do to-day, and that a hen that ought to set, and would not -set, must be made to set. Millington said that he did not mind if Spotty -wanted to lay. If she felt so, she could go ahead and lay while she was -taking her little rests between sets. He said that in that way she would -be doubly useful and that, judging by appearances, she was the kind of -hen that could do two or three things at the same time. - -Mr. Prawley, when he saw we were going to keep our hen, came out and -spoke to Mr. Millington, Mr. Rolfs, and me. He said he had an aversion -to hens, but that if I insisted he would devote some of his time to the -hen, but Mr. Millington, Mr. Rolfs, and I assured him we would not need -his help. We felt that the three of us, with occasional aid from Isobel, -could manage that hen. - -The next day Mr. Millington and Mr. Rolfs were so swelled with pride -that they would not speak to me on the train. Millington did not ask -me, that entire day, to take a little run up to Port Lafayette in his -automobile. I heard him tell one man on the train to town that he had -just set his eighteen prize White Orpingtons, and I heard Rolfs tell -another man, at the same time, about a coop he had just had made for -his White Wyandottes. He drew a sketch of it on the back of an envelope, -showing the location of the heating plant, the location of the gasoline -brooders, and the battery of eight electric incubators. He said he saw -but one mistake he had made, which was that he had had a gravel roof put -on. It should have been slate. He was afraid the hens would fly up onto -the roof and eat the gravel for digestive purposes, and if a lot of -tarry gravel got in their craws and stuck together in a lump, his hens -would suffer from indigestion. But he said he meant to have the gravel -roof taken off at once, regardless of cost, but he had not quite decided -on a slate roof. One of the slates might become loosened and fall and -kill one of his prize White Wyandottes, which he held at seventy-five -dollars each. If he could avoid the tar trouble, Rolfs said, he ought -to have twelve hundred laying hens by the end of the summer, besides the -broilers he would sell. He said he was going straight to a distinguished -chemist when he reached town to learn if there was any dissolvent that -would dissolve tar in a chicken's craw, without harming the craw. - -Then Millington drew a sketch of the automatic heat regulator he was -having made to attach to his heating apparatus. He said that ever since -he had been keeping poultry he had made a study of coop heating, and -that the trouble with most coops was that they were either too hot or -too cold. He said a cold coop meant that the chickens got chilly and -exhausted their vitality growing thick feathers when all their strength -should have been used in egg-laying, and that a hot coop meant that the -chickens felt lax and indolent. A hot coop enervated a chicken and made -it too lazy to lay eggs, Millington said, but this regulator he was -having made would keep the heat at an even temperature, summer and -winter, and render the hens bright and cheerful and inclined to do their -best. Millington explained that this was especially necessary with White -Orpingtons, which are great eaters and consequently more inclined toward -nervous dyspepsia, which makes a hen moody. He was going on in this way, -and every one was hanging on his words, when he happened to say that one -thing he always attended to most particularly was the state of his hens' -teeth. He said he had, so far, avoided dyspepsia in his hens, by keeping -their teeth in good condition. Every one knew poor teeth caused stomach -troubles. - -That was the end of Millington. Rolfs had been green with jealousy -because so many commuters were listening to Millington, and the moment -Millington mentioned teeth Rolfs sneered. - -"How many teeth do White Orpingtons have, Millington?" he asked. - -"I did not know they had any." - -Then Millington saw his mistake, and did his best to explain that as a -rule chickens had no teeth, but that he had, by a process of selection, -created a strain that had eighteen teeth, nine above and nine below, -but no one believed him, and Rolfs was crowing over him when he made -his mistake. He was bragging that he never made a mistake of that kind, -because he knew hens never got indigestion in any such way. All that was -necessary he said, was to let them have plenty of exercise, and to let -them out once in a while for a good fly. He said he let his hens out -once every three days, so they could fly from tree to tree. - -Then Millington asked, sneeringly, how high his hens could fly, and -Rolfs said they were in such good condition they thought nothing of -flying to the top of a forty-foot elm tree, and Millington sneered and -said any one could guess what kind of White Wyandottes Rolfs had, when -a common White Wyandotte is so heavy it cannot fly over a rake handle. -That was the end of Rolfs, and I was glad of it, for the two of them -had been getting enough reputation on the strength of my chickens. They -sneaked out of the smoking car, and at last I had a chance to say a few -words, modestly of course, about my splendid group of six hundred Buff -Leghorns. I did not brag, as Millington and Rolfs had bragged, but -stated facts coldly and calmly, and my words met the attention they -deserved, for I was not speaking without knowledge, as Millington and -Rolfs had spoken, but as a man who owns a hen can speak. - -I reached home that evening in a pleasant state of mind, for I knew how -kind hearted Isobel is, and I knew she would see, if I placed it before -her, that it was extremely cruel to keep a hen in solitary confinement, -when the hen had probably been accustomed to a great deal of society. -I felt sure that in a few days Isobel would order me to purchase enough -more poultry to allow Spotty to lead a pleasant and sociable life. But -when Isobel met me at the gate she disheartened me. - -She said the grocer's grandmother had not been seriously ill, after -all; she had been in a mere comatose condition, and had come to, and the -grocer had come back, and he had called and taken Spotty. He offered to -kill her--Spotty, not Isobel or his grandmother--but Isobel could not -bear to eat Spotty so soon after she had been a member of our family, -so the grocer took Spotty away and sent up another roaster. At least -he said it was another, but after I had carved it I had my doubts. In -general strength and durability the roaster and Spotty were one. - -The next morning, when I went out to see if Mr. Prawley had hoed the -garden properly, I found Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington leaning over my -fence. They were unabashed. - -"I have just been looking over your place," said Rolfs, "and I must say -it is a most admirably located place on which to keep a cow. And if you -want any suggestions on cow-keeping, you may call on me at any time. I -have studied the cow, in all her moods and tenses, for years." - -"Nonsense!" said Millington. "A man is foolish to try to keep live -stock. Live stock is subject to all the ills--" - -"Such as toothache!" sneered Rolfs. - -"All the ills of man and beast," continued Millington. "What you want is -an automobile. Now I will sell mine--" - -"No!" I said positively. - -"You only say that because you do not know my automobile as I know it," -said Millington. "It is a wonder, that machine is. Now, I propose that -to-morrow you and your wife take a little run up to Port Lafayette with -me and my wife. After the cares of chicken raising--" - -"Very well, Millington," I said, "we will go to Port Lafayette!" - - - - -VII. CHESTERFIELD WHITING - - -THE next morning Millington came over bright and early, and his face was -aglow with joy. - -"Get ready as quickly as you can," he said, "for I will be ready to -start for Port Lafayette in a few minutes. The automobile is in perfect -order, and we should have a splendid trip. She isn't knocking at all." -This knocking, which was located in the motor-case, or hood, was one of -the most reliable noises of all those for which Millington listened when -he started the engine of his automobile. He was very fond of it, and it -was one of the heartiest knockings I ever heard in an automobile. It was -like the hiccoughs, only more strenuous. It was as if a giant had been -shut in the motor by mistake and was trying to knock the whole affair -to pieces. The knock came about every eight seconds, lightly at -first, getting stronger and stronger until it made the fore-end of the -automobile bounce up a foot or eighteen inches at each knock. - -Millington loved all the sounds of trouble, but this knocking gave him -the most pleasure and put him in his pleasantest mood, for he could -never quite discover the cause of it. When everything else was in -perfect order the knock remained. He would do everything any man could -think of to cure it, but the machine would continue to knock. I remember -he even went so far as to put a new inner tube in a tire once, to see -if that would have any effect, but it did not. But there were plenty -of other noises, too. Millington once told me he had classified and -scheduled four hundred and eighteen separate noises of disorder that -he had heard in that one automobile, and that did not include any that -might be another noise for the same disorders. And some days he would -hear the whole four hundred and eighteen before we had gone a block. -Those were his happy days. - -But this morning Millington came over bright and early. Isobel was just -putting a cake in the oven, and she only took time to tell Jane, or -Sophie, or whoever happened to be our maid that week, that she would be -back in time to take the cake out, and then we went over to Millington's -garage. - -Mrs. Millington, was already in the automobile, and Isobel and I got in, -and Millington opened the throttle and the machine ran down the road to -the street as lightly and skimmingly as a swallow. It glided into the -street noiselessly and headed for Port Lafayette like a thing alive. I -noticed that Millington looked anxious, but I thought nothing of it at -the time. His brow was drawn into a frown, and from moment to moment -he pulled his cap farther and farther down over his eyes. He leaned far -over the side of the car. He listened so closely that his ears twitched. - -Mrs. Millington and Isobel were chatting merrily on the rear seat, and -I was just turning to cast them a word, when the car came to a stop. -I turned to Milllington instantly, ready to catch the pleasant bit of -humour he usually let fall when he began to dig out his wrenches and -pliers, but his face wore a glare of anger. His jaws were set, and -he was muttering low, intense curses. I have seldom seen a man more -demoniacal than Millington was at that moment. I asked him, merrily, -what was the matter with the old junk shop this time, but instead of his -usual chipper repartee, that "the old tea kettle has the epizootic," he -gave me one ferocious glance in which murder was plainly to be seen. - -Without a word he began walking around the automobile, eyeing it -maliciously, and every time he passed a tire he kicked it as hard as -he could. Then he began opening all the opening parts, and when he had -opened them all and had peered into them long and angrily he went over -to the curb and sat down and swore. Isobel and Mrs. Millington politely -stuffed their handkerchiefs in their ears, but I went over to Millington -and spoke to him as man to man. - -"Millington," I said severely, "calm down! I am surprised. Time and -again I have started for Port Lafayette with you, and time and again we -have paused all day while you repaired the automobile. Much as I have -wished to go to Port Lafayette I have never complained, because you have -always been better company while repairing the machine than at any other -time. But this I cannot stand. If you continue to act this way I shall -never again go toward Port Lafayette with you. Brace up, and repair the -machine." - -Millington's only answer was a curse. - -I was about to take him by the throat and teach him a little better -manners when he arose and walked over to the machine again. He got in -and started the motor, and listened intently while I ran alongside. -Then, with a great effort he controlled his feelings and spoke. - -"Ladies," he said between his teeth, "we shall have to postpone going -to Port Lafayette. I am afraid to drive this car any farther. There is -something very, very serious the matter with it." - -Then, when the women had disappeared, my wife walking rapidly so as to -arrive at home before her cake was scorched, Millington turned to me. - -"John," he said with emotion, "you must excuse the feeling I showed. -I was upset; I admit that I was overcome. I have owned this car four -years, but in all that time, although I have started for Port Lafayette -nearly every day, the car has never behaved as it has just behaved. I am -a brave man, John, and I have never been afraid of a motor-car before, -but when my car acts as this car has just acted, I _am_ afraid!" - -I could see he was speaking the truth. His face was white about the -mouth, and the tense lines showed he was nerving himself to do his duty. -His voice trembled with the intensity of his self-control. - -"John," he said, taking my hand, "were you listening to the car?" - -"No," I had to admit. "No, Millington, I was not. I am ashamed to say -it, but at the moment my mind was elsewhere. But," I added, as if in -self defence, "I am pretty sure I did not hear that knocking. I remember -quite distinctly that I was not holding on to anything, and when the -engine knocks--But what did you hear?" - -A shiver of involuntary fear passed over Millington, and he lowered his -voice to a frightened whisper. He glanced fearfully at the automobile. - -"Nothing!" he said. - -"What?" I cried. I could not hide my astonishment and, I am afraid, -my disbelief. I would not, for the world, have had Millington think I -thought he was prevaricating. - -"Not a thing!" he repeated firmly. "Not a sound; not one bad symptom. -Every--everything was running just as it should--just as they do in -other automobiles." - -"Millington!" I said reproachfully. - -"It is the truth!" he declared. "I swear it is the truth. Nothing seemed -broken or about to break. I could not hear a sound of distress, or a -symptom of disorder. Do you wonder I was overcome?" - -"Millington," I said seriously, "this is no light matter. I shall not -accuse you of wilfully lying to me, but I know your automobile, and I -cannot believe your automobile could proceed four hundred feet without -making noises of internal disorder. It is evident to me that your -hearing is growing weak; you may be threatened with deafness." At this -Millington seemed to cheer up considerably, for deafness was something -he could understand. I proposed that we both get into the automobile -again, and I, too, would listen. So we did. It was almost pathetic, it -was most pathetic, to see the way Millington looked up into my face to -see what verdict I would give when he started the motor. - -My verdict was the very worst possible. We ran a block at low speed -and I could hear no trouble. We ran a block at second speed, and no -distressful noise did I hear. We ran two blocks at high speed, with -no noise but the soft purring of motors and machinery. As Millington -brought the automobile to a stop we looked at each other aghast. It -was true, too true, _nothing was the matter with the automobile!_ It -sparked, it ignited, it did everything a perfect automobile should do, -just as a perfect automobile should do it. We got out and stared at the -automobile silently. - -"John," said Millington at length, "you can easily see that I would -not dare to start on a long trip like that to Port Lafayette when my -automobile is acting in this unaccountable manner. It would be the most -foolhardy recklessness. When this machine is running in an absolutely -perfect manner, almost anything may be the matter with it. My -own opinion is that a spell has been cast over it, and that it is -bewitched." - -"I never knew it to come as far as this without stopping," I said, "and -to come this far without a single annoying noise makes me sure we should -not attempt Port Lafayette to-day in this car. I shall take a little -jaunt into the country behind my horse, and--" - -"But don't go to Port Lafayette," pleaded Millington. "Perhaps the -automobile will be worse to-morrow. If she only develops some of the -noises I am familiar with I shall not be afraid of her." - -One of the pleasures of being a suburbanite is that you can have a -horse, and one of the pleasures of having a horse is that you keep off -the main roads when you go driving, lest the automobiles get you and -your horse into an awful mess. In driving up cross roads and down back -roads you often run across things you would like to own--things the -automobilist never sees--and Isobel and I had heard of a genuine Windsor -chair of ancient lineage. I imagine the chair may have been almost as -old as our horse. When Mr. Millington told me we could not go to Port -Lafayette in his automobile that day, I hurried home and had Mr. Prawley -harness Bob, and it was that day, when we were hunting the Windsor -chair, that we ran across Chesterfield Whiting. Since Isobel had begun -to like suburban life, she liked it as only a convert could, and the -moment she saw Chesterfield Whiting she declared we must, by all means, -keep a pig, and that Chesterfield Whiting was the pig we must keep. - -Personally I was not much in favour of keeping a pig. I like things that -pay dividends more frequently. I would not give much for a vegetable -garden that had to be planted in the spring, worked all summer, -tended all fall, and that only yielded its product in the winter. -I prefer a garden that gives a vegetable once in awhile. Mine does -that--it gives a vegetable every once in awhile. But a pig is a slow -dividend payer. - -I had noticed that Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington had never urged me to -get a pig. Whenever I mentioned pig they mentioned various deadly and -popular pig diseases. They had urged me to garden, and to keep chickens, -and a horse, and a cow, and even an automobile--Millington urged me to -keep his--but never a pig! I would not hint that Rolfs and Millington -were selfish, or that they hoped to receive, now and then, milk from my -cow, eggs from my chickens, or radishes from my garden, but a neighbour -may profit in that way. On the other hand, the neighbour never profits -from the suburban pig. I believe now, however, that Rolfs and Millington -wished me to have things that would pay as they went. - -But the moment Isobel saw the pig she said we must have him, because he -was so cute. I had never thought of buying a pig because it was cute -any more than I would have thought of buying a spring bonnet because it -would fatten well for winter killing, but I yielded to Isobel. - -Isobel said the idea of a pig being a nuisance was all nonsense, for she -had been reading a magazine that was largely devoted to pigs and similar -objects loved by country gentlemen, and that modern science proved -beyond a doubt that the cleaner the pig the happier it was. She said a -pig could not be too clean, and that if a pig was kept perfectly tidy no -one could object to it. - -"John," she said, "there is no reason in the world why a pig should not -be as clean as a new pin. The magazine says that if a pig is usually of -a coarse, disgruntled nature, it is only because it is kept in coarse, -brutalizing surroundings, and treated like a pig. If a pig is put amidst -sweetness and light, the pig's nature will be sweet and light, and the -pig will be sweet and light." - -I suggested gently that a pig, all things considered, was usually -counted a failure if it was a light pig, and that experts had decided in -favour of the pig that became heavy and soggy. - -"What I mean," said Isobel, "is light in spirit, not light in weight." - -We were looking over the fence of a farm when we held this little -conversation, and Chesterfield Whiting was sporting on the clean, green -clover, amidst his brothers, quite unconscious that he was so soon to be -separated from them and lose their companionship. We had been attracted -to him by a very hand-made sign that announced "Pigs for Sale." -Chesterfield was an extremely clean pig, and I must admit that I was -rather taken by his looks myself, and when we drove around to the farm -house I was surprised to learn how inexpensive a pig of tender years -is, and I bought the pig. It is hard for me to deny Isobel these little -pleasures. - -On our way home Isobel and I talked of the future of Chesterfield, and -we resolved that his life should be one grand, sweet song, as the -poet says, and we had hardly started homeward than it appeared as if -Chesterfield meant to attend to the song feature of his life himself. I -never imagined a pig would feel his separation from his native place -so keenly. He began to mourn in a keen treble key the moment the farmer -grabbed him, uttering long, sharp wails of sorrow, and he kept it up. -Automobiles with siren horns stopped in the road as we passed, and the -chauffeurs took off their goggles and stared at us. It was very hard for -Isobel to sit up straight in the carriage and look dignified and cool -with Chesterfield wailing out his little soul sorrows under the seat. - -As we neared the outskirts of Westcote, I began to keep an eye out for -pig houses. It seemed to me that in these days of uplift the pig keepers -of a suburb such as ours, peopled by intelligent men and women, would -have the most modern improvements in pig dwellings, and I desired to -make a few mental notes of them as I passed by. If I saw a very modern -pig palace I meant to get out of the carriage and examine minutely the -conveniences installed for the pig's comfort, so that I might reproduce -them. - -Isobel had mentioned casually that a pig dwelling with tile floors and -walls and a shower bath would be quite sanitary, provided the tiles of -the wall met the tiles of the floor in a concave curve, leaving no sharp -angles; but as we journeyed into the village we saw no pig houses of -this kind. In fact we saw no pig houses of any kind. At first this only -annoyed me, then it surprised me, and by the time we were well into the -village it worried me. - -"Isobel," I said, "I don't like this absence of pigs in this village. -I am afraid there is something wrong here. I don't know what to make of -it. It may be that hog-cholera is epidemic here the year 'round, just as -San Jos scale kills all the apple trees. Have you seen a single pig?" - -"Not one," she admitted. "It looks as if there was a law against pigs." - -I stopped Bob, and looked at Isobel in amazement. - -"Isobel!" I exclaimed. "You must be right! There must be a law against -pigs! I do wish Chesterfield would stop yelling!" - -"John," said Isobel, "now that I come to think of it I do not believe I -ever saw a pig in all Westcote. I wonder if we couldn't gag Chesterfield -some way? If he howls like that every one will know we have a pig." - -I gagged the pig. I took Isobel's pink veil and wrapped it firmly around -Chesterfield's nose, and brought the ends around his neck and tied them. -Then I stuck his head into the sleeve of my rain coat and wrapped him in -the coat, and tied it all in the linen dust robe. He was well gagged. - -"Isobel," I said, as I took up the reins again, "this is a serious -matter. We will have to get rid of this pig, and we will have to do it -quickly. I do not want to get into difficulties with the City of New -York. Keeping a pig in the suburbs is evidently a crime, and it is a -difficult crime to conceal. If I committed a murder and used ordinary -precautions there might be no danger of detection, but a pig speaks for -itself." - -"Chesterfield does," said Isobel. "Do you suppose they will put you in -jail?" - -"_Me_ in jail?" I ejaculated. "He is your pig, Isobel." - -"John," she said generously, "I give Chesterfield to you." - -"Isobel," I said, "I cannot accept the sacrifice. He is your pig." - -"Well," she said, "we will go to prison together." - - - - -VIII. SALTED ALMONDS - -AS WE approached our house, Mr. Millington, who was in his garage, and -Mr. Rolfs, who was on his porch, came to meet us. They looked at the -carriage with suspicion, but I assumed a careless, innocent look, well -calculated to deceive them. They came down to the carriage, and laid -their hands on it, and glanced into it. Mr. Rolfs, with ill-assumed -absent-mindedness, lifted the leather cover of the rear of the carriage -box and glanced in. I was glad we had put Chesterfield Whiting under the -seat. - -"Shall I take in the--" Isobel began, but I cut her words short. - -"No, I will take in your _wraps_," I said meaningly, and then added: -"Well, good night, Millington; good night, Rolfs." - -They did not take the hint. They walked beside the carriage as I drove -to the stable, and although Mr. Prawley was able to do the work alone, -and I made some excuse to help him, Rolfs and Millington seemed eager to -help us. - -"I worked two hours over my automobile," said Millington, "and she is -knocking again as usual. To-morrow, I propose you and I and our wives -will take a little pig up to Port Lafayette--" - -"Pig?" I said. "What do you mean by pig, Millington." - -"Did I say pig?" said Millington in great confusion. "I meant to say: -'take a little spin.'" - -"John will think you think he is thinking of keeping a pig," said Rolfs -accusingly to Millington. "He will think you are doubting his sanity. -John would no more keep a pig on this place--" - -"Certainly not!" I cried. "The idea! Keep a pig!" - -"Well, you know," said Millington, and then stopped. "What is that -squeak?" he asked. - -I knew only too well what that squeak was. It was Chesterfield. - -"That?" I said carelessly. "Oh, that is nothing. My carriage springs -need oiling. Mr. Prawley, don't forget to oil the carriage springs -to-morrow." - -"Yes, sir," said Mr. Prawley, "but if I might suggest feeding the--" - -"Ahem!" I said loudly. "Oil the springs, Prawley. To-morrow." - -"When I said 'take a little pig,'" said Millington, "I meant--" - -"Millington," I said, "I forgive you! Men will make mistakes--slip of -the tongue--Well, good night!" - -"See here," said Millington, "I know you feel some resentment." - -"No I don't! Good night!" I said angrily. - -"Yes you do!" said Millington. "And I'll tell you why. You remember -you mentioned, some time ago, that you thought you would keep a pig? -Personally I would be delighted to have you keep a pig or even a lot of -pigs. You could make an infernal stock yard of your place if you -wanted to. I love pigs. If I could have my way I would have a pig pen -immediately under my window, so that when I awakened in the morning I -could glance down at the happy, contented creatures. Nothing starts -the day so well as to see contented creatures, and there is nothing so -contented as a pig. If I could have my own way I would beg you to build -your pig pen immediately under my window. But I am not a selfish man." - -"I know you are not, Millington," I said; "but I am not considering the -purchase of a pig. Good night!" - -"Of course you are not," said Rolfs, "and I only want to say that if you -do keep a pig you can gratify Millington, for every law of pig culture -demands that you build your pig house against the western fence, and not -against my fence. The pig is a delicate creature, and his pen should be -where the invigorating rays of the morning sun can strike him. Now my -fence is the eastern fence--" - -"And this man Rolfs pretends to be your friend!" exclaimed Millington -sneeringly. - -"Why every one knows that unless a pig has sweet dreams he becomes moody -and listless, and loses interest in life. A pig's place of residence -should always be where the last rays of the sun can strike him--against -the eastern fence. You want to put that pen against Rolf's fence." - -At this Mr. Rolfs became greatly agitated. He glared at Mr. Millington, -and shook his fist at me. - -"You'll put no pig pen on my side of your yard!" he said threateningly. - -"And you keep your pig pen away from my fence," said Mr. Millington -hotly. "I am your friend, and I start to Port Lafayette with you day -after day--" - -"Millington," said Rolfs, calming himself, "we will not have a pig in -this neighbourhood at all. If this fellow attempts to keep a pig we will -have the law on him. That is what we will do!" - -"That is what we will do, Rolfs," said Millington, "at the first -evidence of a pig we will set the police on him. We won't stand it!" -"Gentlemen," I said calmly, "I have no intention of keeping a pig. Such -an idea never entered my mind. And as for you, Millington, I know you -now. You have shown yourself as you are. Never again, Millington, shall -I start to Port Lafayette in your automobile. That is final! Good night, -gentlemen!" - -Millington and Rolfs went off arm in arm, and when they were out of -sight I hurriedly rescued Chesterfield Whiting, in all his wrappings, -from under the seat, and rushed him into the house. I let Mr. Prawley -continue to unharness the horse. I told Isobel what my neighbours had -said. Chesterfield, in his gags, lay at my feet. - -"To-morrow, Isobel," I said, "we must get rid of Chesterfield Whiting. -In the meantime we must keep him a dark secret. We must keep him silent, -or we are lost." - -Suddenly the dust-robe bundle at our feet began to palpitate violently. -It bounced like a fish out of water, and I made a grab for it. -Chesterfield screamed. I threw myself hastily upon him and wrapped him -in my arms and muzzled the bunch of veil that was his nose with my hand. -As I stood erect again I chanced to glance out of the window, and I saw -Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington in deep conversation with a policeman. From -time to time they turned and glanced at my house. Motioning Isobel to -follow me, I bore Chesterfield to the attic. We closed the windows of -the trunk room in the attic, and locked the door. Then I opened a trunk, -unwrapped Chesterfield and dropped him into the trunk, and shut the lid. -And sat on it. - -[Illustration: 175] - -Isobel peeked out of the window, and told me that the policeman and Mr. -Rolfs and Mr. Millington were staring at our attic windows. - -An ordinary pig would have been glad to be unwrapped and dropped into -a cozy, roomy trunk, but Chesterfield was no ordinary pig. He was a -weeper. First he wailed for his lost home. Then he screamed for his -mother. Then he shrieked for each of his dear little brothers and -sisters individually. Then he opened his lungs and squealed for all of -them at once, and the policeman took out his note-book and wrote down -the number of our house. I realized then that keeping a pig in the -suburbs is attended by difficulties. The theory of keeping your pigs -cheerful and happy is all right in a book, but it is hard to live up -to when the pig is homesick and a policeman with a note-book is on your -front walk. It is well enough for an agricultural writer to sit in -his hall bedroom in the city and scribble about uplifting the pig, -and spiritualizing it, and bathing it, but did he ever try to soothe a -homesick pig in an attic? Did he ever try to bathe a pig in a trunk? Did -he ever try to scatter sunshine in a pig's life when the pig has firmly -made up its mind to mourn? Did he ever try to reason with the pig when -the pig is full of squeal, and has no desire in life but to pour forth -eons and leagues of it? - -When a pig feels like that, it is useless to read it chapters from -Hamilton Wright Mabie's "Essays on Nature and Culture." Occasionally I -opened the lid of the trunk and looked in to assure myself that there -was but one pig, and not three or four. When a pig reaches the -stage where its eyes become set and stary, and it gives forth long, -soul-piercing wails, it does not want a bath. It does not want sunshine, -nor Bible classes, nor uplift, nor simple life. It wants food. - -The more I studied Chesterfield the more certain I became that if a man -wants to win the affection of a pig he can best do so, not by lifting -the pig over the edge of a porcelain bath tub every few hours to give -it a rub-down, but by standing by with a couple of tons of feed and -shovelling it down the pig with a scoop-shovel. The pig's squawker and -its swallower are one and the same instrument, and the only way to keep -the squawker quiet is to keep the swallower plugged with food. In its -idle hours the pig may long for sweetness and light, but it wants meals -at all hours of the day and night. - -We found that Chesterfield preferred salted almonds to affection. He -began eating salted almonds immediately after we had fed him everything -else in the house that was edible, and by feeding him one almond at a -time Isobel was able to keep him interested. By this means she kept his -mind off his sorrows. He could not weep and chew. - -Time and again, as the hours slipped by, Isobel tested Chesterfield, to -see if he was satisfied, but at each test his sorrow broke forth afresh. -I never knew a pig was so full of sorrows. I would not have believed -that so small a pig, so full of salted almonds, could have room for one -small sorrow. And yet, the moment Isobel ceased feeding him, he would -run around inside the trunk, nosing it and wailing for--I don't know -what he was wailing for! - -About midnight, when Isobel was worn out, I took her place and let her -go to bed. I told her I would feed salted almonds until three, and then -call her, and she could feed until six, while I got a little sleep. -About two o'clock in the morning I gave Chesterfield his eighteenth -drink of water, and when I offered him another salted almond he seemed -languid. He eyed it covetously, opened his mouth, sighed once, and fell -over sideways. His regular breathing told me he had fallen into a deep, -sweet sleep, and I removed my shoes and stole softly downstairs. - -"He has fallen asleep," I told Isobel, "and I think he will probably -take a good nap. He has had a hard day. I left him quite comfortable -and--" - -"Drink! Almonds! Mother! I'm lone-lee-ee-wee-wee-wee!" wailed -Chesterfield at that instant, and I hurried up to the attic. I threw -open the lid of the trunk, and found him standing on his feet. He was -still asleep, his white-lashed eyes firmly closed in slumber, but his -squealer was working as if he were awake, and when I fed him a salted -almond he munched and swallowed it without awakening, and squealed for -another. He was so sound asleep that he could not even reach out for the -almonds; I had to poke them into his mouth. When I missed his mouth and -dropped the almond on the floor of the trunk he squealed. At last he lay -down comfortably and slept and ate almonds. - -I had one great fear. I was running out of almonds. So I tried him with -wads of newspaper, and found they satisfied him quite as well. I fed him -a complete Sunday newspaper, including the coloured supplement and the -"want" advertisements, before sunrise. I imagine the newspaper was not -very nourishing, for Chesterfield awakened at sunrise with a tremendous -appetite, and let us know, plainly, that he was starving to death. I -fed him my breakfast and Isobel's while Mr. Prawley was digging up what -remained in our vegetable garden, and when Chesterfield had eaten that I -gagged him with the pink veil, and stuffed his head in the sleeve of my -rain coat once more. - -"Isobel," I said, "the time has at last come when we must cease keeping -pigs. I love to be surrounded by affection, but I believe we have kept -this pig long enough. An attic is no place in which to run a modern -swine industry. It is too far from the nearest bath tub. Bathe him now, -if you would bathe him at all, for he is going back to the farm." - -"If we packed him in a trunk," said Isobel thoughtfully, paying no -attention to the bath suggestion, "we might send him back to the farmer -by express, and Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington would never know we had--" - -"That is a good idea," I said, "except that we do not know the name of -the farmer, and that the Interurban does not deliver express parcels -twelve miles from Westcote--" - -"We might pack him in a suit case," suggested Isobel. "If we packed him -in the suit case and pretended we were going on a picnic and that the -suit case was our lunch--I suppose Chesterfield will be some one's lunch -some day?" - -"Fine!" I said, and we began pretending we were going on a picnic. I -packed Chesterfield Whiting in the suit case, and then went down and had -Mr. Prawley harness the horse. I noticed that the policeman was still -hanging near our house, and that Mr. Millington was eyeing me from his -porch. - -"Ah! Millington!" I called cheerfully. "Fine day for a picnic! Isobel -and I are just off for one." - -He came running over immediately. "Admirable!" he cried. "I was just -coming over to suggest that very thing. The automobile is running -beautifully this morning, and we four can run up to Port Lafayette--" - -Port Lafayette! - -"Millington," I said, assuming an angry tone, "last evening you insulted -me, and you seem to think I will forgive you thus easily. No indeed! -I am not that sort of man, Millington. I will not take Isobel to Port -Lafayette, for I have promised to let you take us there, but we will -go on this picnic behind Bob. And if you see Rolfs just tell him what a -silly ass he made of himself, thinking I would be crazy enough to keep a -pig. I may be some kinds of a fool, Millington, but I am not that kind!" - -I think Millington blushed. He should have blushed. Saying I would keep -a pig, indeed! - -When I returned for Isobel and carried the suit case downstairs I felt -as light-hearted as a boy. Chesterfield was so well muzzled and gagged -that he made no sound whatever, and when I stepped from my door, with -Isobel by my side, I was pleased to see Rolfs stepping from his front -door, and I hailed him. He stopped, but he looked annoyed. - -"If you want to say anything ugly, say it quick," he said, "for I'm in -a rush to catch a train, and if I just catch it, I can just catch the -ferry, to catch a train for Chicago. I can't stop now--" - -"Get in the buggy," I said heartily, "we will drive you to the station. -Isobel and I are going on a little picnic. Put your suit case in the -back, with ours. We always carry our lunch in a suit case when we go -picnicing. Hop in!" - -"Well, it is kind of you," said Rolfs rather sheepishly. "I hope you -did not feel hurt by what I said last night about pigs. I feel rather -strongly about pigs." - -"Rolfs," I said as I gathered up the reins, "I am not a man to nurse -hard feelings, but I must say--" - -"Look here!" said Rolfs, "I did not get into this buggy to listen to--" - -"You can get out again," I said inhospitably, "any time you do not -like straight, honest talk. I mean nothing unneighbourly but when a man -accuses--" - -Without another word Rolfs jumped out, and grabbing his suit case, -walked haughtily away. I could not forbear giving him a little dig. - -"_Bon voyage_, Rolfs," I called. "Don't get pigs on the brain to-night -again!" and Isobel and I laughed as we drove away. - -When the farmer saw us drive into his yard he seemed surprised, but he -was nice about it. He said he was willing to pay us back half what we -had paid him for Chesterfield Whiting, but we would not hear of it. - -"No," I said firmly, "we have had our money's worth of pig!" - -Then I opened the suit case. - -It contained, among other things, a suit of pajamas, a tooth brush, four -shirts, six pair of socks, underwear, handkerchiefs, a book entitled -"The Complete Rights of the Citizen," and twelve collars. But no pig. - -All the articles were of good quality, and most had Rolf's initials -on them. I must say the suit case contained a nice assortment of -haberdashery. But no pig. Not that I blamed Rolfs for not packing a -pig in his suit case, for he was going to Chicago where there are stock -yards full of pigs, if he should happen to want one. And a suit case is -no place for a pig, anyway. Imagine the feelings of a man in a sleeping -car when he has buckled the curtains of his berth around him, and has -partly undressed behind them. And then imagine him reaching down and -opening his suit case, expecting to find a suit of pajamas, and finding, -instead, a pig. Imagine him when the pig--a Chesterfield Whiting -pig--springs lightly forth and gives voice to his homesickness! - -[Illustration: 185] - - - - -IX. THE ROYAL GAME OR SEVERAL DAYS AFTER THE PIG EPISODE - -I refused to start for Port Lafayette in Millington's automobile, -although he used to lean over the fence and beg me almost tearfully, -but one fine morning he came over, and he looked so haggard and careworn -that I took pity on him. - -"John," he said, as he led me to his garage, which was on the back of -his lot, "I am sure this automobile of mine is bewitched. I cannot think -of anything else that would make it behave as an automobile in good -health should, and I give you my word of honour that it is acting in -perfect rhythm, never slipping a cog nor missing fire. Of course, with -the machine behaving in that unaccountable manner, I would not dare to -start for Port Lafayette, but I want to run you around to the Country -Club. You ought to be in our Country Club, and I want you to see it, and -I want you to tell me what you think about this automobile of mine. I -can't understand it!" - -I have often noticed three things: I have noticed that a boy is never -really happy until he owns a dog; I have noticed that a flat-dweller is -never content until he owns a phonograph; but above all I have -noticed that the commuter--the man that lives in the sweet-scented, -tree-embowered suburbs--is restless and uneasy until he joins the -Country Club. So I accepted Millington's invitation. - -We ran out of his yard and half a block up the street, Millington -listening carefully all the while, and we could not hear a sound of -distress in any part of the automobile. Millington stopped the car and -got out. - -"I am going to walk to the Club," he said. "I won't trust myself in that -car. As for you, as it was entirely for your sake I proposed this little -run to the Club, I am going to put the machine in your charge, and -you are to run it around the block until it resumes its normal bad -condition. From what I know of you and the remarks you have made while I -have tried to repair the engine, I believe you will soon have it making -all sorts of noises, and," he added, "perhaps it will be making a noise -it never made before." - -Then he showed me how to start, and what to touch if a tree or telephone -post got in my way, and then he went on to the Country Club. - -I was much touched by this evidence of Millington's faith in my ability -to bring out the bad points of his automobile, and as soon as he -disappeared I set to work, and I had hardly gone twice around the block -before I had it knocking more loudly than ever I had heard it knock. But -I was resolved to show Millington that his trust was not misplaced, -and I ran the nose of the machine into a tree, threw on the high speed -suddenly until I heard a grinding noise that told me the gears were -stripped. Then I left the car there and walked on to the Country Club. - -A Country Club is an institution conducted for the purpose of securing -as many new members as possible, in order that their initiation fees may -pay for the upkeep of the golf green. Aside from this, the object of the -club is to enable the men that mow the grass to make an honest living by -selling the golf balls they find while mowing the grass. - -The Membership Committee, on which Millington served, is a small body of -men whose duty it is to learn, as soon as possible, who that new man is -that moved into Billing's house, and to get twenty dollars in initiation -fees from him, before he has spent all his money for mosquito screens. - -When Millington said to me, in the way members of Country Clubs have, -"_You_ ought to be in our Country Club," I was tickled. I did not -know then that Millington was on the membership committee, and his -willingness to admit me to fellowship seemed to show that I had been -promptly recognized as a desirable citizen of Westcote; a man worth -knowing; one of the inner circle of desirables. What more fully -convinced me was the eagerness of Mr. Rolfs. - -"We _must_ have you in," said Rolfs. "I have been speaking to several -of the members about you, and they are all enthusiastic about taking you -in. Of course, our green is a little ragged just now, but when we get -your mon--when--of course, the green is a little ragged just now, but we -expect to have it trimmed soon, very soon." - -Isobel was delighted when I told her I contemplated joining the Country -Club. She said it would do me all the good in the world to play a game -of golf now and then, and when I mentioned that I thought of taking -family membership, which would admit her to all the club privileges, she -was more than pleased. So were Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington. I forget -how many more dollars a family membership cost. They shook hands with -me warmly, and Millington said something to Rolfs about their now being -able to dump another load or two of sand on the bunker at the sixth -hole. They also said the ladies would be delighted. Many, they said, had -asked them why Isobel had not joined. - -Then they mentioned earnestly that the initiation fee and the first -year's dues were payable immediately. They even offered to send in my -check for the amount with my membership application. - -I had never played golf, but Millington said he would lend me an -excellent book on the game, written by one of the great players, and -Rolfs offered to pick me out a set of clubs. He was enthusiastic when we -went to the shop where clubs were sold, and I must say he did not allow -the clerk to foist off on me any old-fashioned, shopworn clubs. He said -with pride, as we left the shop, that, so far as he knew, every club I -had secured was absolutely new in model, and that not one club in the -lot was of a kind ever seen on the Westcote course before. Some he said, -he was sure had never been seen on any course anywhere. - -He said my putter would create great excitement when it appeared on the -course. I must give him credit for being right. The putter was, perhaps, -too much like a brass sledge-hammer to be graceful, and I found later -that it worked much better as a croquet mallet than as a tool for -putting a golf ball into a hole, but it was fine advertisement for a new -member. Members who might never have noticed me at all began to speak -of me immediately. They referred to me as "that fellow that Rolfs got to -buy the idiotic putter." - -The golf course at our Westcote Country Club is one of the best I have -ever seen. It is almost free from those irregularities of ground that -make so many golf courses fretful. In selecting the ground the Committee -had in mind, I think, a billiard table, but as it was impossible -to secure a sufficiently large plot of ground as level as that near -Westcote, they secured the most level they could and then went over it -with a steam grader. The envious members of the Oakland Club speak of it -as the Westcote Croquet Grounds. - -The first day I appeared at the club I saw that golf was indeed a -difficult game, particularly after Mr. Millington had explained how it -was worked. He began by remarking that, of course, I could not expect to -do much with "that bunch of crazy scrap iron"--that being the manner in -which he referred to the up-to-date clubs Rolfs had selected for -me--and that no man who knew anything about golf ever used the -red-white-and-pink polka-dot balls, which were the kind Rolfs had -advised me to buy. Then he looked through my clubs scornfully and -selected my putter. - -"Usually," he said ironically, "we begin with a driver, and drive the -ball as far as we can from this place, which is called the driving -green, but I think this tool, in your hands, will do as well as anything -else in your collection of kitchen cutlery. What do you call this tool, -anyway?" - -I looked at the label on the handle and read it. I told Millington it -was a putter, but he would not believe me. I showed him the label, which -said quite plainly "putter," but he was still skeptical. He did not -deny positively that it was a putter; he merely said, "Well, if this -instrument of torture is a putter, I'll eat it." - -[Illustration: 201] - -Mr. Millington then made a little mound of sand which he took from the -green sandbox, and set one of my golf balls on top of the mound. This, I -soon learned, is called "teeing" the ball. - -"Now," said Mr. Millington, "I will explain the game. When the ball is -teed as you see it here, you take the club and hit the ball so it will -travel low and straight through the air as far as possible toward that -red flag you see yonder. The ball will alight on the fair green. You -follow it, and hit it again, and it should then alight fairly and -squarely on the putting-green. You then follow it, take the pole that -bears the flag out of the hole you will find there, and gently knock -your ball into the hole. That is all there is to the game." - -"But what shall I do," I asked, "if my first knock at the ball carries -it beyond the flag?" - -Mr. Millington glanced at the patent putter I held in my hand, and -sighed. - -"Excuse me," he said, "but the rules of the game permit one to grasp the -club with both hands." - -"I guess," I said airily, "until I get the swing of it I will grasp the -club with one hand. I only use one hand in playing croquet." - -"In that case," said Mr. Millington, "if you knock the ball past the -flag I will eat the flag. I will also eat the ball. Also the thing you -call a putter. If you knock the ball half way to the flag, I will eat -all the grass on this golf course." - -"Be careful, Millington," I warned him. "You may have to eat that grass. -Now, stand back and let me have a fair whack at the ball." - -With that I swung the putter around my head two or three times, to -gather the necessary impetus, and then hit the ball a terrible whack. I -put my full strength into the blow, for I wanted to show Millington that -I had the making of a golfer in me; but when my putter ceased revolving -around me Millington seemed unimpressed. I put my hand above my eyes and -gazed into the far distance, hoping to catch sight of the ball when it -alighted. But I did not see it. - -[Illustration: 205] - -"Millington," I said, "did you see where that ball went?" - -"I did," he said, turning to the left. "It went over there, into that -tall grass. It is a lost ball. Every ball that goes into that tall grass -is gone forever. I have never known any one to recover a ball that fell -in that tall grass." - -Then he stepped proudly to the sand-box and made another tee. - -"Hand me a ball," he said, "and I will show you the proper way to hit -it." - -I gave him a ball and he placed it carefully on the tee. Then he -grasped his driver in both hands, snuggled the head of it up to the ball -lovingly, drew back the club and struck the ball. I was not quick enough -to see the ball go, but Millington was. - -"Fine!" he exclaimed. "I sliced it a little, but I must have got good -distance. I must have driven that ball two hundred yards." - -"But where did it go?" I asked. - -"Well," said Millington, "I did slice it a little. It went off there to -the right, into that tall grass. It is a lost ball. I have never known -any one to recover a ball that fell in that tall grass. But let me have -another ball and I will show you--" - -I told Millington I guessed I would lose a couple of balls myself while -I had a few left, if it was not against the rules. He said no, a player -could lose as many as he wished; in fact many players lost more than -they wished. - -I found this to be so. We played around the nine holes and I made a -score of 114, and Millington was delighted. He said it was a splendid -score to turn in to the handicapping committee, and that he wished he -could make a large, safe score like that. He said no one in the club had -ever made more than 110 and that the average was about 45. Then he said -I need not lose hope, for at any rate I had not lost a ball at every -stroke. He said he had imagined when he saw me play that I would lose -a ball at every stroke, for my style of playing--my "form" he called -it--was the sort that ought to lose me one ball for every stroke. - -When I reached home I found Isobel awaiting me, and, without thinking, I -blurted out that I had lost thirty-eight golf balls. Her mouth hardened. - -"John," she said, "I have been talking with Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs. -Millington about this game of golf, and what they say has given me an -entirely different opinion of it. When I advised you to take it up I had -no idea it was a gambling game, but they both tell me the matches are -often played for a stake of balls. Mrs. Rolfs says her husband has -accumulated eighty balls in this way, and Mrs. Millington says her -husband has laid up a store of over fifty. And now, when you come home -and tell me you have lost, in one afternoon, thirty-eight golf balls, at -a cost of fifty cents each, I feel that golf is a wicked, sinful game. I -do not want to seem severe, but I do not approve of gambling, and if you -continue to lose so many golf balls you will have to give up the game." - - - - -X. ADVANCED GOLF - - -THAT evening Millington dropped over to chat for a few minutes, and he -was in good spirits. He told me he had found the automobile where I had -left it with its nose against the tree, and that it had been necessary -to hire a team to pull it home. Isobel said she would never forget the -pleased expression on Millington's face as he saw the helpless machine -being towed into his yard, and between what both of them said I felt -rightly proud at having lifted such a load from his mind. - -"Now," said Millington cheerfully, "we can all start for Port Lafayette -in the morning. I will get up at four to-morrow morning and tinker -at the motor, and by nine, or ten at the latest, we will be ready to -start." - -At ten the next morning, therefore, Isobel and I went over to -Millington's garage, but our first glimpse of him told us all was not -well. He was sitting on the garage step with his head buried in his -arms, while his wife was sitting beside him, vainly endeavouring to -console him. For awhile he made no response to my queries, and then he -only raised his mournful face and pointed at the automobile. He was too -overcome for words, and his wife had to give us the awful facts. - -"This morning at four," she said, "Edward came out and prepared to do -what he could to repair the motor you had so kindly put to the bad. -He was then his usual, cheerful self. He leaped lightly into the -chauffeur's seat, touched the starting lever, and, to his utter -distress, the automobile moved smoothly out of the garage and down the -driveway, without a single misplaced throb or sign of disorder. There -was nothing the matter with the automobile at all. Not a thing to -repair. It was as if it had just come from the factory. Of course he -immediately gave up all idea of the little run to Port Lafayette. Now, -there is only one thing to be done. You must take the machine and run -it around the block until it is in a fit condition to be repaired. I am -afraid you did not do a good job yesterday." - -Although I felt rather hurt by the last words, I was not a man to desert -Millington in his need, and without a word I jumped into the automobile -and started. That morning I put in some hard work. It seemed that the -automobile had repaired itself so well that nothing would ever be the -matter with it again, but by persistent efforts and by doing everything -an amateur could possibly do to ruin an automobile, I succeeded in -developing its weak spots. Not until noon was I satisfied, but when the -horses at last pulled the automobile into Millington's garage I felt I -had done my duty. I had mashed the hood and cracked a cylinder, dished -the left front wheel and absolutely ruined all the battery connections. -I would have defied any man to make that automobile run one inch. It had -been hard work, but I was amply repaid when Millington threw his -arms around me and wept for joy on my shoulder. He was not usually a -demonstrative man. - -"Next week, or the week after, John," he said cheerfully, as he took off -his coat, "I may have the machine patched up a little, and we will take -that little run out to Port Lafayette. I feel that the trip has been -delayed too long already, and I shall get to work at once." - -"If you wish," I said, "I will lend you Mr. Prawley to hold things while -you work on them." - -"Prawley?" said Millington. "Prawley? That man of yours? No, thank you, -John. That man Prawley is so fearful of automobiles that he trembles at -the sight of a pair of goggles. He would die of fear if we forced him -into this garage." - -I left Millington whistling over his work, and that afternoon I took -my putter and went to the golf grounds alone, for I had spent half the -night reading the golf book Mr. Rolfs had lent me, and I saw I had not -gone at the game in the right way. I knew now that I should have held my -club with my right hand more to the right--or to the left--and my right -foot nearer the ball--or not so near it--and with the head of my club -heeled up more--or not so much. The directions given by the book were -very explicit. They said a player must invariably lay his thumb along -the shaft of the club, unless he wrapped it around the shaft, or let it -stick up like a sore toe, or cut it off and got along without it, or did -something else with it. The book seemed to imply that the proper way -for a beginner to learn golf was to lock himself in a dark closet and -indulge in silent meditation until he became an expert player, but -the closets in my house were so narrow and shallow I felt I could not -meditate broadly in them. So I went to the Country Club. - -I met young Weldorf there, and as soon as he saw me he immediately -proposed a round. He said he had wanted to play a round with me ever -since he had heard of my clubs. He said he hoped I would not mind his -dog being along, for the dog took a lively interest in the game of golf. - -So I told Weldorf I loved dogs and that I thought a dog or two scattered -around the links added greatly to the picturesqueness of the game. -Weldorf's dog was a rather thin dog, of the white terrier kind, with -black spots, and Weldorf explained that the reason there were bare, -flesh-coloured spots on the dog was because he was just recovering from -an attack of mange. - -Weldorf drove first, and a beautiful drive it was, and with a gay bark -the dog darted after the ball, but Weldorf spoke to him sternly, and he -stopped short, although he still gazed after the ball yearningly. Then I -drove. I exerted the whole of my enormous strength in that drive, and -I think I surprised Weldorf. I know I surprised the dog. If I had -been that dog, I, too, would have been surprised. There stood the dog, -looking at Weldorf's ball, wagging his tail and thinking of nothing, and -here came my ball with terrific speed. Suddenly the ball hit the dog -on the hip with a splashy sort of smack, and immediately the dog was -impelled forward and upward, giving voice, as we dog-fanciers say. He -gave voice three times while in the air, and when he alighted he put his -tail between his legs and dashed madly away. - -[Illustration: 219] - -We were not able to retrieve the dog until we reached the third teeing -ground, and then I apologized to him. He did not accept my apology. He -looked upon my most friendly advances with unjust suspicion. He seemed -to have no faith in my game, and kept well to the rear of me, but when -Weldorf addressed him in a few well-chosen words he unlooped his tail -and wagged it in a halfhearted sort of way. I decided to ignore the dog. -I raised the hinged lid of the sandbox and took out a large handful of -sand to form my tee, and letting the lid fall took a step forward. - -Immediately the dog gave voice! Weldorf had to raise the lid of the -sand-box before the dog was able to get his tail out, but as soon as he -had reassumed full control of his tail he placed it firmly between his -legs and dashed madly away. It is nonsense to have a golf dog with a -long tail. - -By the time we reached the sixth putting-green the dog had begun to -get lonely, and assumed a cheerful demeanour. He returned to us with -ingratiating poses, mainly sliding along the ground on his stomach as he -approached, and I was glad to see him happy again, for I love dogs and -I like to have them happy. He stood afar off, however, until he saw -our balls on the putting-green. He knew that golfers do not "putt" as -strenuously as they "drive." Then he came nearer. I took the flag-pole -from the hole and let it fall gracefully to the ground. Without an -instant of hesitation the dog gave voice! It was a long flag-pole, -made of a plump bamboo fish-rod, and when it fell it seemed to strike -directly on the eighth dorsal vertebra of the dog, at a spot where he -was not recovering very well from the mange. - -Weldorf said he had no doubt the dog would find his way home, and we -stood and listened until the voice the dog was giving died away in the -far distance, and then we holed out. It is nonsense for a dog to have -dorsal vertebrae. - -When we reached the seventh hole I found that the grounds committee -was already using my initiation fee, for the grass mowers were at work -there, and a man with a rake immediately stepped up to me, and said in -the most friendly manner that he would be willing to part with some -golf balls for money, if I would say nothing about it to the Board of -Governors. He had sixteen, nine of which I recognized as some of those -I had lost the day before, and he very generously offered to let me have -the lot at fifteen cents each. I purchased them eagerly, and the man who -was driving the mower at once descended and offered me twelve more -at the same price. Between there and the ninth hole numerous caddies -appeared from behind trees and bunkers and offered me balls at -ridiculously low prices, and I, quite naturally, took advantage of their -offers. - -When I reached home Isobel asked me how I was progressing with my game. -"Well," I said, "I return with forty-two more golf balls than I had when -I went out." - -Instantly her face brightened. She congratulated me warmly and said she -was sure Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs. Millington had overstated the evils of the -game. She said she thought she could see an improvement in my health -already. She advised me to keep at the game until my health was beyond -compare. - -I now know that the book Mr. Rolfs lent me is mere piffle and that, for -a man who takes his golf in the right way, a broom or a hairpin is as -good as any other tool. I enjoy the game immensely, and find it great -sport. Often I come home with fifty golf balls, and my low record is -eighteen--but that was a legal holiday and the grass mowers were on -vacation. I have so many golf balls in the house already that Isobel -talks of having an addition built over the kitchen for storage purposes. -As my game has improved I have acquired such dexterity that I can buy -balls from the caddies at the rate of four for twenty-five cents. If I -practise regularly I believe I shall in time reach a point where I can -buy balls for five cents each. By holes, my best score is thirty-eight -balls, made at the eighth hole on July 6th, from the red-headed caddy -and the fat mowing man. My low score is one ball, made August 16th, at -the first hole. I never make a large score there, as it is near the club -house and the caddies are afraid of the Board of Governors. - -When golf is taken rightly it arouses the instincts of the chase in a -man, and I now feel the same joy in running down a caddy and bargaining -for found balls that others feel in hunting wild animals. Golf, taken -thus, is a splendid game. - -And I have found that if I use my putter only, and knock the ball but a -few yards each stroke, there is no need of losing a ball from one end of -the year to the other. But even then one must remember the cardinal rule -of all golfers--"Keep the eye on the ball." - - - - -XI. MY DOMESTICATED AUTOMOBILE - - -I HAVE said that I left Millington happily working over his automobile -when I went to the Country Club that afternoon. When I returned he -was still working away, and so well had I wrecked his car that all his -repairing seemed to have made not the slightest impression on it. - -"John," he said brightly, "you certainly did a good job. It will be -months before I have this car in any shape at all, I am sure. It is -going to take all my spare time, too. I mean to set my alarm clock for -three, and get up at that time every morning." - -It is always a pleasure for me to see another man happy, and at -half-past two the next morning I was waiting for Millington at his -garage door. He came out of his house promptly at three, and joked -merrily as he unlocked the garage door, but the moment he threw open the -door his face fell. And well it might! The dished wheel had been trued, -the crushed hood had been straightened and painted, a new cylinder had -replaced the cracked one, and when Millington tried the engine it -ran without a sound except that of a perfectly working piece of -well-adjusted machinery. Millington got out of the car and stood staring -at the motor, and suddenly, with a low cry of anguish, he fell over -backward as stiff as a log. Mrs. Millington and I managed to carry him -to bed, and then I returned to the garage. I was not going to desert -Millington in his adversity. - -After the doctor had visited the house, Mrs. Millington came out -and told me that her husband was still in a comatose state, due to -brain-shock, but that he kept repeating "Sell it! Sell it!" over and -over, and she was sure he must mean the car. She said that while -she would hate to part with the car, and give up all the pleasure of -starting for Port Lafayette, she feared for her husband's reason if he -continued to receive such shocks, and she was willing to sacrifice -the car at a very low price, if I insisted. She said I had not, like -Millington, become habituated to hearing a knocking in the engine, so' -the lack of it would not bother me, and that owning a car that repaired -itself over night was what most automobile owners would call a golden -opportunity. - -I suppose if I had come home and said to Isobel: "My dear, I have bought -an Asiatic hyena," she would have been less shocked and surprised than -she was when I entered the house and said: "Well, my dear, I have bought -an automobile." - -Isobel is of a rather nervous disposition, and driving behind Bob, our -horse, had tended to eliminate any latent speed mania she may have ever -had, for Bob is not a rapid horse. Of course, Isobel drove the horse at -a trot occasionally, but that was when she wanted to go slower than a -walk, for Bob was what may be called an upright trotter--one of those -horses that trot like a grasshopper: the harder they trot the higher -they rise in the air, and the less ground they cover. When Bob was -in fine fettle, as we horsemen say, he could trot for hours with a -perpendicular motion, like a sewing machine needle, and remain in one -identical spot the whole time. He could trot tied to a post. Sometimes -when he was feeling his oats he could trot backward. - -I suppose that when I mentioned automobile Isobel had a vision of a -bright-red car about twenty-five feet long, with a tonnage like an ocean -steamer, and a speed of one hundred and ten miles an hour--one of the -machines that flash by with a wail of agony and kill a couple of men -just around the next corner. But Millington's automobile was not that -kind. It was a tried and tested affair. It had been in a Christian -family for five years, and was well broken. Nor was it a long -automobile; it was one of the shortest automobiles I have ever seen; -indeed, I do not think I ever saw such a short automobile. "Short and -high" seemed to have been the maker's motto, and he had lived up to it. -He couldn't have made the automobile any shorter without having cogs -on the tires, so they could overlap. If the automobile had been much -shorter the rear wheels would have been in front of the fore wheels. -But what it lacked in length it made up in altitude. It averaged pretty -well, multiplying the height by the length. It was the type known in the -profession as the "camel type." When in action it had a motion somewhat -like a camel, too, but more like a small boat on a wintry, wind-tossed -sea. But, ah! the engine! There was a noble heart in that weak body! -When the engine was in average knocking condition, one knew when it -started. In two minutes after the engine started the driver was on the -ground; if he did not become dizzy, sitting at such a height, and fall -off, the engine shook him off. - -But, if Isobel did not take kindly to the idea of owning Millington's -automobile, Rolfs seemed glad I was going to buy it. - -"You won't be everlastingly asking me to take a little run up to Port -Lafayette," he said. "For years before you moved out here Millington -bothered the life out of me, and I cannot bear riding in automobiles. I -hate them worse than that hired man of yours does. How does he like the -idea?" - -I told him, rather haughtily, that I did not usually consult Mr. Prawley -when I bought automobiles. Then Rolfs said he thought, usually, it was -just as well for an ignorant man to consult some one, but that he knew -Millington's automobile was a good one. He said he knew the man that had -owned the machine ten or twelve years before Millington bought it. He -said that every one knew that machines of that make that were made -in 1895 were extremely durable. He said he remembered about this one -particularly, because it was the period when milk shakes were the -popular drink, and his friend used to make his own. He said his friend -would put the ingredients in a bottle, and tie the bottle to the -automobile seat, and then start the engine for a minute or two, and the -milk would be completely shaken. So would his friend. - -Rolfs asked me to let him know when I brought the automobile over -from Millington's. I had no difficulty in doing so. When I ran that -automobile the only difficulty was in concealing the fact that it was -arriving anywhere and in getting it to arrive. Often it preferred not to -arrive at all, but when it did arrive, it gave every one notice. Isobel -never had to wonder whether I was arriving in my machine, or whether it -was some visitor in another machine. Under my regime my machine had a -sweet, purring sound like a road-roller loaded with scrap iron crossing -a cobblestone bridge. When the engine was going and the car was not, it -sounded like giant fire-crackers exploding under a dish pan. - -The very day I purchased the car and brought it into my yard Mr. Prawley -came to me and told me he had a very important communication to make. He -said his poor old mother was sick, and he would like a month's vacation. -He added that he imagined the automobile would last about twenty-nine -days. As he said this his lean, villainous face wore a look of fear, -and when I told him he could have the vacation, he departed, walking -backward, keeping one eye on the automobile all the while. - -But the automobile did not behave in the bewitched manner for me that -it had for Millington. It did not repair itself over night at all. If -anything it deteriorated. - -Oddly enough, now that the automobile was quite tame, Isobel, who -usually has perfect confidence in me, declined to ride in it. But -frequently we took rides together, driving side by side, she in her -buggy behind Bob, and I in my automobile, and, occasionally, when the -road was rough and the engine working well, I would drop in on her -unexpectedly. But not always. Sometimes I fell off on the other side. - -I found these little trips very pleasant and exceedingly good for a -torpid liver--if I had had one--and I enjoyed having Isobel with me, -especially when we came to bits of sandy road where the rear wheels of -my automobile would revolve uselessly, as if for the mere pleasure of -revolving. - -Then I would unhitch Bob from the buggy and hitch him to the automobile, -and he would tow me over the sandy stretch, aided by the engine. It was -a pretty picture to see this helpfulness, one to the other, especially -when my engine was palpitating in its wild, vibratory manner, and Bob -was trotting at full speed, while I fell out of the automobile, first on -one side and then on the other. - -Isobel enjoyed these little moments exceedingly and often I had to go -back to her, after I had passed the sandy spot, and pat her on the back -until she could get her breath again. She had to admit that she had -never imagined she could get so much pleasure out of an automobile. But -it was that kind of an automobile--any one could get more pleasure out -of it than in it. - -I myself found that after the first novelty wore off automobiling became -a bore. As a method of securing pleasure the cost per gallon to each -unit of joy was too high, in that machine. Riding in my machine was not -what is called "joy riding." It was more like a malady. - -[Illustration: 237] - -Of course we never attempted a long tour, like that to Port Lafayette, -which is eleven miles from Westcote, and it was about the time my tire -troubles began that I thought of domesticating my automobile. I remember -with what pride I discovered my first puncture. Every automobile owner -of my acquaintance had tire troubles, and I had never had any, and I -felt slighted. Sometimes I felt tempted to take an awl and puncture a -tire myself, so I, too, could talk about my tire troubles, but I had a -feeling that that would be unprofessional. I had never heard of any real -sporty automobilist punching holes in his tires with awls; in fact they -seemed to consider there was no particular pleasure in punctured tires. -That was the way they talked--as if a puncture was a misfortune--but I -knew better. I could hear the undercurrent of pride in their voices -as they announced: "Well, I had three punctures and two blow-outs -yesterday. I was running along slowly, about fifty-five miles an hour, -between Oyster Bay and Huntington, when--" And then the next man would -pipe up and say: "Yes? Well, I beat that. I was speeding a little--not -much, but about sixty miles an hour--on the Jericho Turnpike last night, -and all four tires--" And through it all I had to sit silent. I longed -to be able to say: "I was speeding along yesterday at about half a mile -an hour, the machine going better than usual, when suddenly I jumped out -and stuck my penknife into the forward, left-hand tire--" I had never -had a puncture. I was not in their class. - -But my turn came. I was speeding a little--about one city block every -five minutes--on Thirteenth Street, when my sparker stopped sparking. -When your engine misses fire there are six hundred and forty-two things -that may be the matter, and after you have tested the six hundred -and forty-two, it may be an entirely new six hundred and forty-third -trouble. I have known a man to try the full six hundred and forty-two -remedies unavailingly, and then sigh and wipe his goggles, and the -engine began working beautifully. And it was only by chance--pure -chance--that he happened to wipe his goggles. Probably he had not wiped -them for years. But after that the first thing he did when his engine -did not fire was to wipe them. And never, never again did it have the -least effect on the engine. That is one of the peculiar things about an -automobile. And there are nine hundred and ninety-nine other peculiar -things, each of which is more peculiar than all the rest. - -[Illustration: 243] - -I had just taken my automobile apart to discover why the engine did not -work, and the various pieces of its anatomy were scattered up and down -the street for a block or more, and I was hunting up another piece -to take out, when I noticed that one of my tires was flat. I had a -puncture! I suppose I would have thrilled with joy at any other time, -but just after a man has dissected his automobile is no time for him to -thrill. He has other things to amuse him. I have even known a man who -had just discovered that his last battery had gone dead to swear a -little when he discovered that two tires had also gone flat. - -It was when I was pumping up that new inner tube that I decided to -domesticate my automobile. It seemed to be a shame to take such a -delicate piece of machinery out on the rough, unfeeling road, and I -remembered that Rolfs had told me of a Philadelphia friend of his who -had half domesticated his automobile. Rolfs said that once, when he was -foolish, he had ridden half an hour, out to his friend's farm, and there -the automobile was jacked up and a belt attached to one of the rear -wheels, and in less than five minutes the car was doing duty as a piece -of farm machinery, running a feed cutter. Rolfs said it was great. He -said it was the only time he ever felt satisfied that an automobile was -getting what it deserved. He said that all the men had to do was to keep -the fodder-cutter fed with fodder, and that it kept two farm hands busy. -He said I ought to get some fodder and cut it that way and stop being -an obstruction in the public highways. He suggested that I get some wood -and saw wood with the automobile, or get some apples and make cider. He -suggested a thousand things I could do with the automobile, and not one -of them was riding in it. - -I had tried riding in it myself, and after owning it a week or two I -decided it was just the kind of automobile that was meant to do general -household work. So I domesticated it. - - - - -XII. MR. PRAWLEY RETURNS - -MARY was one of the most faithful servants a family ever had. Her -faithfulness deserves this monument. She was a Pole and she could not -pronounce her own name. She tried to pronounce it the first day she -came to us, but along toward the sixth or seventh syllable she became -confused and had to give it up. She said it was Schneider in English. -Perhaps the reason she remained with us so long was because she had -brought her Polish name with her, and it was too much trouble to move -it from place to place. When she once got in a place, she liked to stay -there. But "Schneider" was about the only English word she knew, -and this made it a little difficult to explain to her that I had -domesticated the automobile and would allow her to use it on wash day. -I had to make a picture of it, and even then she seemed rather doubtful -about it. - -As a matter of fact it was all very simple, but Mary Schneider was -stupid. We already had the washing machine, and we had the automobile, -and it was only necessary to connect the rear wheel of the automobile -with the drive wheel of the washing machine by means of a belt, jack up -the rear axle of the automobile, and start the engine. I hoped in -time to go further than this and hitch up the coffee mill, the -carpet-sweeper, the ice-cream freezer, and all our other household -machinery, and then Mary Schneider would have a very easy time of it. -She could have sat in the automobile with her hands on the speed levers -and the work would have done itself. But Mary would not sit in the -automobile. She tried to explain that she had seen me sit in it and that -the Schneiders, as a family, had very brittle bones and could not afford -to fall out of automobiles of such height, but I could not understand -what she was saying. I only understood that she said she would give -notice immediately if she had to sit in that automobile while the -palpitator was jiggering. - -I had a feeling that all this was mere diffidence on her part, and that -when she once saw how easy it all was she would be delighted with it. -So I jacked up the rear axle of the car in my backyard, and attached the -clothesline as a belt to the rear wheel and to the drive wheel of the -washing machine. I remained at home one Monday morning especially to do -this, and Isobel thought it was very kind of me. She said she was sure -Mary could do it, and would be glad to, after she had once seen how it -was done. - -Mary put the soap in the washing machine, and the hot water, and the -clothes, and I started the automobile engine. It was all I had hoped. -Never, never had I seen clothes washed so rapidly. Luckily I had thought -to nail the legs of the washing machine to the floor of the back porch. -This steadied the washing machine and kept it from jumping more than it -did. Of course, some vibration was conveyed along the rope belt from the -automobile, and Mary had to hasten to and fro bringing more hot water to -refill the washing machine. It was like a storm at sea, or a geyser, or -a large hot fountain. When we had the automobile going at full speed -the water hardly entered the washing machine before it dashed madly out -again. - -Isobel had to help by putting more clothes in the washing machine. It -used up clothes as rapidly as Rolf's friend's fodder-cutter used -up fodder, but I think it cut the clothes into smaller pieces. We -discovered this when we hunted up the clothes later. We did not notice -it at the time. All was excitement. - -It was a proud moment for me. The engine was running as well as it ever -did, the dasher of the washing machine was dashing to and fro with hot -water, and Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs. Millington were cheering us on. I -began to believe we would break all records for clothes washing if Mary -and Isobel could only keep water and clothes in the washing machine. -Just then I fell out of the automobile. - -Possibly the sudden removal of my weight had an effect. It may have been -that my head in striking one of the rear wheels moved the axle. Of this -I can never be sure. The rear axle unjacked itself, and as the rear -wheels touched the ground the automobile darted away. I was just able to -touch the washing machine as it hurried by, but it did not wait for me -to secure a firm hold, and it went on its way. But Mary was faithful to -the last. She--ignorant though she was--knew that the weekly wash should -not dash off in this manner. She--although but a Pole, knew her duty and -did it. Mary hung onto the washing machine. Whither the wash went she -was going. And so she did. Rapidly, too. - -The rear porch was not badly damaged. Only those boards to which the -washing machine had been nailed went with it, but where the automobile -went through the back fence we had to make extensive repairs. But it -was all for the best. If the automobile had not made a hole in the fence -Mary could not have gone through. Of course, she could have gone around -by the gate, but she would have lost time, and she was not losing any -time. Neither was the washing machine. The automobile did not gain an -inch on it, and sometimes when the washing machine made a good jump it -overtook the automobile. So did Mary. - -I saw then that I had not thoroughly domesticated the automobile. As -we stood and watched the automobile and the washing machine and Mary -dashing rapidly away in the distance, we felt that the automobile was -still a little too wild for household use, but I fully believed the -automobile would be tame enough before it reached home again. A young, -strong automobile may be able to take cross country runs without ill -effects, but an elderly automobile, like the one I bought of Millington, -cannot dash across country towing a washing machine and a Polish -servant, whose name is Schneider in English, without danger to its -constitution. I do not blame the washing machine--it could not let go, -it was belted on--but if Mary had had presence of mind she would have -released her grasp when she found the strain was too much for the -automobile. But it is strange how differently the minds of male and -female run. As I watched the automobile disappear over the edge of the -hill I said: - -"Isobel, I guess that ends that automobile," But Isobel said: - -"John, I am afraid we have lost Mary." And yet that automobile and that -Pole were the last two in the world I should ever have suspected of -running away with each other. She came back later in the day, but she -did not say much. She packed her trunk and took her wages, and remarked -a remark that sounded like the English word Schneider translated into -Polish. The washing machine did not return. - -When Millington came out to the fence that evening I told him that I was -done with automobiling, and that the automobile was probably mashed to -flinders. He had been looking bad, but he brightened at the words. - -"John," he said, "if that automobile is wrecked as badly as it should -be after running wild with a tail of washing machines and -Schneiders-in-English, I'll buy it back. I'll give--I'll give you five -dollars for it." - -He must have seen the eagerness in my eyes, for he remarked quickly: - -"I'll give you two dollars and forty-five cents for it!" - -"I'll take it!" I said instantly. - -"It is mine!" said Millington, and he handed over the money. - -As soon as it was in my pocket I heard a rustling in the currant bushes -at my left, and Mr. Prawley raised his head above them. - -"Mother's well again," he said. "I've come back!" - - - - -XIII. MILLINGTON'S MOTOR MYSTERY - - -MILLINGTON and I hunted up the automobile the next day, and it was in -worse condition than I had imagined. The only way the car could be got -back to his garage was on a truck, but we got it there, and unloaded -it, and Millington hunted up all his tools and got them ready to use the -next day. It was late by that time, and we locked the garage and went to -bed. - -All night I worried over having taken two dollars and forty-five -cents from Millington for that collection of old metal that had been a -motor-car, and as early as possible the next morning I took the money -and went over to Millington's. I found him just going out to the garage, -and he positively refused to take back the money. He said the car was -in just the condition he wanted it, and that if I hadn't knocked the -witchery out of it no one could. He said he hoped--and just then he -opened the garage door. - -There stood the automobile, on the very spot where we had left it, but -there was not a scratch on it. Except that it was an ancient model, it -might have been a brand new car. Even the brasswork had been polished, -and at the first glance the tires seemed new, but we found they had only -been carefully repaired and painted drab. - -Millington stood looking at the automobile a few minutes and then -laughed. He turned to me with a strangely contorted face and said: -"Uncle Tom, you are invited to take a ride with Cleopatra in my air-ship -to-night at midnight." - -Millington said this in a very calm voice, but he immediately followed -it by asking me to have a piece of strawberry pie, and instead of pie he -offered me the can of gear grease. I managed to coax him into the -house, and when the doctor arrived he advised absolute rest. He said -Millington's brain was not yet permanently affected, but that another -such shock would be too much for him. He said that for the present we -must humour him, and try to make him believe that the automobile was -damaged beyond recovery. It seemed to have a soothing effect, and to aid -his recovery I got into the car, ran it into the street, aimed it at a -stone wall opposite Millington's window, threw on the high speed, and -jumped to one side. One minute later the machine was afire, and half -an hour later little was left of it but the metal parts, and they were -badly warped. - -Mr. Prawley came out when he saw the fire, and a look of the most -fiendish joy glittered in his eyes. Never have I seen a man show -such pleasure over the destruction of an automobile. His hatred of -automobiles seemed to be endless and bottomless. - -When I told Millington that his automobile was now in about as bad -condition as man could put it into, he sat up in bed, and the light of -sanity came into his eyes. He walked to the window and looked out at the -car, and became his old cheerful self again. He said that there was no -doubt now that the devils in the car had been exorcised, and that with -a few weeks work he could get it back into such shape that the engine -would be working properly, and we would then, he said take that little -run up to Port Lafayette. He then took a little nourishment, and by -night he was quite himself again. When he had had his dinner I went home -and had mine, and went to bed at once, for I knew Millington would be at -work soon after sun-up. - -I had hardly got into bed, however, when I began to fear that -Millington's eagerness would get the best of him, and at ten o'clock I -went over to his house. I found him in bed and awake and cheerful, but -he said he did not mean to get up. He said it was against his policy to -get up the day before in order to be up the next day, so I sat by his -bed and read chapters from a dear little work of fiction entitled "Easy -Remedies for Ignition Troubles," until the clock struck twelve, and then -Millington hopped out of bed and threw on his clothes. - -The moment we stepped from the back door the same thing struck us both -with surprise. There was a light in the garage! - -My first thought was that some rascal was in the garage trying to -ruin Millington's automobile, but a second thought assured me this was -impossible. Ruin could be carried no farther than I had carried it. -Bidding Millington be silent, I crept cautiously toward the garage, with -Millington at my heels, and without a sound we peered in at the window. -The sight was one that would have shaken the strongest man. - -Bending over the motor, with his face made unearthly by the artificial -light that fell upon it obliquely, casting deep shadows, was that -villain, Mr. Prawley! I have never seen anything so devilish as that -wretch as he worked with inhuman agility and haste. His long, claw-like -fingers danced from one part of the machine to another fiendishly, and a -hideous grin distorted his features. He was humming some weird tune, and -I noted that he was ambidextrous, for he was varnishing the hood with -one hand while with the other he was putting in a new spark plug. A -tremor of horror passed over Millington and over me at the same moment. -A few whispered words, a few stealthy steps, and we burst in and seized -Mr. Prawley by the arms. In a moment we had him on the floor of the -garage, bound hand and foot. - -Millington was for wreaking immediate vengeance on him, but I stood -firmly for a more lawful course, and the next day we handed him over to -the authorities, and his whole miserable story came out. His name was -not Mr. Prawley at all. Neither was it Alonzo Duggs, which was the name -he he had given us when Isobel and I hired him. His name was William -Alexander Vandergribbin. He came of good family, but mania for speeding -automobiles had brought him to ruin, and the third time he was arrested -for over-speeding a sentence of thirty years in the penitentiary had -been pronounced by the judge. The judge, however, had suspended the -sentence provided that William Alexander Vandergribbin never again -touched an automobile. - -For several years Vandergribbin fought down his appetite. Then he -fell. He changed his name to Flossy Zozo, and secured a job as the -death-defying loop-the-gappist with the big show. For a time the -speeding down the runway in the fake automobile, with the somersault at -the bottom of the run, appeased his cravings, but the rules of the -show prohibited him from tinkering with the fake automobile, which was -strictly in charge of the property man, and Vandergribbin left the show, -changed his name to Alonzo Duggs, and seeking our quiet town, chose work -in the house nearest the man owning the oldest automobile. For weeks he -had watched his opportunity--you know the rest. He is now in Sing Sing. - -I am sorry to end this story so abruptly, but Millington has just -come over to ask if I would not like to take a little run out to Port -Lafayette. I have always wanted to go to Port Lafayette, which is about -eleven miles from here; so, if you will excuse me, I will go and button -Isobel's matinee gown, and we will be off. - - -END - - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Adventures Of A Suburbanite, by -Ellis Parker Butler - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ADVENTURES OF A SUBURBANITE *** - -***** This file should be named 44153-8.txt or 44153-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/1/5/44153/ - -Produced by David Widger - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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-Project Gutenberg's The Adventures Of A Suburbanite, by Ellis Parker Butler
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-Title: The Adventures Of A Suburbanite
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-Author: Ellis Parker Butler
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-Illustrator: A. B. Phelan
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-Release Date: November 10, 2013 [EBook #44153]
-Last Updated: March 11, 2018
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-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ADVENTURES OF A SUBURBANITE ***
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-<div style="height: 8em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h1>
-THE ADVENTURES OF A SUBURBANITE
-</h1>
-<h2>
-By Ellis Parker Butler
-</h2>
-<p>
-<br />
-</p>
-<h3>
-Illustrated by A. B. Phelan
-</h3>
-<p>
-<br />
-</p>
-<h4>
-Garden City New York Doubleday, Page & Company <br /> <br /> 1911
-</h4>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/titlepage.png" alt="titlepage" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-<br />
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/10.png" alt="10" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<p>
-<b>CONTENTS</b>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0001"> I. THE PRAWLEYS </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0002"> II. MR. PRAWLEY'S GARDEN </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0003"> III. THE EQUINE PALACE </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0004"> IV. “BOB” </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0005"> V. THE NEW MR. PRAWLEY </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0006"> VI. THE SPECKLED HEN </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0007"> VII. CHESTERFIELD WHITING </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0008"> VIII. SALTED ALMONDS </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0009"> IX. THE ROYAL GAME OR SEVERAL DAYS AFTER THE PIG
-EPISODE </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0010"> X. ADVANCED GOLF </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0011"> XI. MY DOMESTICATED AUTOMOBILE </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0012"> XII. MR. PRAWLEY RETURNS </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0013"> XIII. MILLINGTON'S MOTOR MYSTERY </a>
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-I. THE PRAWLEYS
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>SOBEL was born in a flat, and that was no fault of her own; but she was
-born in a flat, and reared in a flat, and married from a flat, and, for
-two years after we were married, we lived in a flat; but I am not a born
-flat-dweller myself, and as soon as possible I proposed that we move to
-the country. Isobel hesitated, but she hesitated so weakly that on the
-first of May we had bought the place at Westcote and moved into it.
-</p>
-<p>
-The very day I moved into my house Millington came over and said he was
-glad some one had moved in, because the last man that had lived in the
-house was afraid of automobiles, and would never take a spin with him. He
-said he hoped I was not afraid; and when I said I was not, he immediately
-proposed that we take a little spin out to Port Lafayette as soon as I had
-my furniture straightened around. I thought it was very nice and
-neighbourly and unusual for a man with an automobile to begin an
-acquaintance that way; but I did not know Millington's automobile so well
-then as I grew to know it afterward.
-</p>
-<p>
-I liked Millington. He was a short, Napoleon-looking man, with bulldog
-jaws and not very much hair, and I was glad to have him for a neighbour,
-particularly as my neighbour on the other side was a tall, haughty-looking
-man. He leaned on the division fence and stared all the while our
-furniture was being moved in. I spoke to Millington about him, and all
-Millington said was: “Rolfs? Oh, he's no good! He won't ride in an
-automobile.”
- </p>
-<p>
-At first, while we were really getting settled in our house, Isobel was
-bright and cheerful and seemed to have forgotten flats entirely but on the
-tenth of May I saw a change coming over her, and when I spoke of it she
-opened her heart to me.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” she said, “I am afraid I cannot stand it. I shall try to, for your
-sake, but I do not think I can. I am so lonely! I feel like an atom
-floating in space.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Isobel!” I said kindly but reprovingly. “With the Millingtons on one side
-and the Rolfs on the other?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I know,” she admitted contritely enough; “but you can't understand.
-Always and always, since I was born, some one has lived overhead, and some
-one has lived underneath. Sometimes only the janitor lived underneath—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, “if you will try to explain what you mean—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I mean flats,” she said dolefully. “I always lived in a flat, John, and
-there was always a family above and a family below, and it frightens me to
-think I am in a house where there is no family above me, and not even a
-janitor's family below me. It makes me feel naked, or suspended in air, or
-as if there was no ground under my feet. It makes me gasp!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“That is nonsense!” I said. “That is the beauty of having a house. We have
-it all to ourselves. Now, in a flat—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“We had our flat all to ourselves, John,” she reminded me; “but a flat
-isn't so unbounded as a house. Just think; there is nothing between us and
-the top of the sky! Not a single family! It makes me nervous. And there is
-nothing beneath us!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Now, my dear,” I said soothingly, “China is beneath us, and no doubt a
-very respectable family is keeping house directly below.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Isobel sighed contentedly.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I am so glad you thought of that!” she cried. “Now, when I feel lonely, I
-can imagine I feel the house jar as the Chinese family move their piano,
-or I can imagine that I hear their phonograph.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Very good,” I said; “and if you can imagine all that, why cannot you
-imagine a family overhead, too? The whole attic is there. Very well; I
-give up the entire attic to your imagination.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Then I kissed her and went into the back garden. My opinion is that the
-man that laid out that back garden was over-sanguine. I am passionately
-fond of gardening, and believe in back gardens; but at the present price
-of seed and the present hardness of hoe handles, I think that back garden
-is too large. This is not a mere flash opinion, either; it is a matter of
-study. The first day I stuck spade into that garden I had given little
-thought to its size, but by the time I had spaded all day I began to have
-a pretty well-defined opinion of gardens and how large they should be, and
-by the end of the third day of spading I believe I may say I was well
-equipped to testify as an expert on garden sizes. That was the day the
-blisters on my hands became raw.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/25.png" alt="25" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-The day after my little conversation with Isobel I returned home from
-business to find her awaiting me at the gate. She wore a bright smile, and
-she put her hand through my arm and hopped into step with me.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” she said cheerfully, “the Prawleys moved in to-day.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“The Prawleys? Who are the Prawleys, and what did they move into?” I
-asked.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Why, how do I know who they are, John?” she said. “I suppose we will know
-all about them soon enough, but you can't expect me to learn all about a
-family the day they move in. And as for what they moved into, of course
-there was only one vacant flat.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Flat? One vacant flat? What flat?” I asked. I was afraid Isobel was not
-entirely herself.
-</p>
-<p>
-“The one above us,” she said, and then as she saw the blank look on my
-face she said: “The—the—oh, John, <i>don't</i> you understand?
-The attic!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Hum!” I said suspiciously, looking at Isobel; but her face was so bright,
-and she looked so thoroughly contented that I did not tell her what I
-thought of this sort of pretending. Too much of it is not good for a
-person. “Very well,” I said; “I only hope they will not be too noisy.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I don't think they will,” said Isobel, smiling. “At least not while you
-are home.” She helped me off with my light coat, and when we were seated
-at the table she said: “By the way, Mr. Millington leaned over the fence
-this afternoon, and said he hoped you would take a little ride to Port
-Lafayette with him soon. He says his automobile is in almost perfect shape
-now.”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-II. MR. PRAWLEY'S GARDEN
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>SOBEL was brighter at dinner than she had been for some days. She seemed
-quite contented, now that the imaginary Prawleys had moved into the attic.
-She said no more about them, and when I had finished my dinner I put on my
-gardening togs and went out to garden awhile before dark. Blisters are
-certainly most painful after a day of rest, and I did not work long. I was
-almost in despair about the garden. Fully half had not been touched, and
-what I had already done looked ragged and as if it needed doing over
-again. The more I dug, the more great chunks of sod I found buried in it,
-and it seemed as if my garden, when I had dug out all the chunks of sod,
-would be a pit instead of a level. It threatened to be a sunken garden.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said angrily, when the sun had set and I was once more sitting
-in the chair on my veranda, with my hands wrapped in wet handkerchiefs,
-“you know how passionately fond of gardening I am, and how I longed and
-pined for a garden for two full years, and you know, therefore, that it
-takes a great deal of gardening to satisfy me; but I must say that the man
-who laid out that garden must have been a man of shameful leisure. He laid
-out a garden twice as large as any garden should be.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Then why do you try to work it all?” she asked.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Oh, work it!” I exclaimed with some irritation. “I can't let half a
-garden go to weeds! That would look nice, wouldn't it! I'll work it all
-right! You don't care how I suffer and struggle. You sit here—”
- </p>
-<p>
-The next evening when I reached home
-</p>
-<p>
-I did not feel particularly happy. My hands were quite raw, and my back
-had sharp pains and was stiff, and I spoke gruffly to Millington when he
-suggested an automobile ride to Port Lafayette for that evening.
-</p>
-<p>
-“No!” I said shortly. “You ought to know I can't go. I've got to kill
-myself in that garden!”
- </p>
-<p>
-But I was resolved Isobel should never see me conquered by a patch of
-ground, and after dinner I went out with my spade and hoe. When my glance
-fell on the garden I stopped short. I was very angry.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel?” I called sharply.
-</p>
-<p>
-She came tripping around the house and to my side.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Who did that?” I asked severely. I was in no mood for nonsense.
-</p>
-<p>
-She looked at the garden. One half of it—not the half I had
-struggled with, but the other 'half—had been spaded, crushed,
-ridged, planted, and left in perfect condition. The small cabbage plants
-had been carefully watered. Not a grain of earth was larger than a pin
-head. Not a blade of grass stuck up anywhere. Isobel looked at the garden,
-and then at me.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I warned him!” she said. “I warned him you would be angry when you came
-home! I told him you wanted to garden that half of the garden, too, and
-that you would probably go right up and give him a piece of your mind, but
-he insisted that he had a right to half the garden, and—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“<i>Who</i> insisted that he had a right to half my garden?” I demanded.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Why,” said Isobel, as if surprised at the question, “Mr. Prawley did.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Prawley? Prawley? I don't know any Prawley!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Don't you know the Prawleys that moved into the flat above us?” said
-Isobel. “And he is a very nice man, too,” she continued. “He was not at
-all rude. He merely insisted, in a quiet way, that as he was a tenant and
-as there was only one back garden, and two families in the house, he was
-entitled to half the garden.”
- </p>
-<p>
-She did not give me a chance to speak, but ran on in that vein, while I
-stood and looked at the garden and, among other things, thought of my
-blistered hands and my lame back.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Well and good, Isobel,” I said at length. “I do not wish to have anything
-to say to the Prawleys, nor do I wish to quarrel with them, and since he
-demands half the garden you may tell him he is welcome to it. I cannot
-conceal that in taking half of it away from me he has robbed me of just
-that much passionate happiness, and you may tell him I do not like the way
-he gardens, but I will say no more about it!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Oh, you dear old John!” said Isobel. “And now you shall not touch that
-miserable garden with your poor sore hands. You shall just sit on the
-veranda with me and let me bathe your palms with witch hazel.” Although I
-assumed an air of sternness in speaking to Isobel of Mr. Prawley I was
-glad to be able to humour her, for she seemed so much happier after
-beginning to pretend that the Prawley family occupied the attic of our
-house. Giving in to these harmless little whims of our wives does much to
-make life pleasanter for them—and for us—and as long as Mr.
-Prawley left me my own half of the garden I could not be discontented. One
-half of that garden was really all a man should attempt to garden, no
-matter how passionately fond of gardening he might be.
-</p>
-<p>
-It is fine to be the owner of a bit of soil and to feel the joy of
-possession, but it is still more delightful to be able to see one's own
-garden truck springing into life after one has dug and planted and weeded
-and cultivated with one's own hands. I had no greater desire in life than
-to devote all my spare time to my garden, but a man must give his health
-some attention, and Isobel pointed out that if I gardened but one half of
-the garden I would have time to ride to Port Lafayette with Millington in
-his automobile now and then, and as Port Lafayette is on the salt water
-the air would be good for me.
-</p>
-<p>
-Port Lafayette is about eleven miles from Westcote, and I had often wished
-to go to Port Lafayette, but Millington is absurdly jealous. Of course, I
-could have taken Isobel by train in about one half hour, or I could walk
-it in two or three hours, or drive there in an hour; but I knew that would
-hurt Millington's feelings. He would take it as an insult to his
-automobile.
-</p>
-<p>
-But now I told Isobel that as soon as my garden got into reasonable shape
-we would go to Port Lafayette with Millington. Isobel told me that my
-health was more important than radishes, and reasoned that a few weeds in
-a garden were not a bad thing. Weeds, she said, grow rapidly, while
-vegetables are modest and retiring things, and she considered that a few
-weeds in my half of the garden might set a good example to the vegetables.
-</p>
-<p>
-Mr. Prawley evidently held a different view, for he did not allow a single
-weed to raise its head in his half of the garden, and I told Isobel,
-rather sharply, that his idea was the right one, and that I should weed my
-garden every evening until there was not a weed in it.
-</p>
-<p>
-“But, John,” she said, “I have never ridden in an automobile, and it would
-be a great treat for me.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“No doubt,” I groaned—I was weeding in my garden at the moment—“but,
-treat or no treat, I am not going to have this half of the garden look
-like a forest.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I know you enjoy it,” she began, but I silenced her.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I am passionately fond of gardening,” I said, “and I have told you so a
-million times. Now will you leave me alone to enjoy it, or won't you?”
- </p>
-<p>
-She went into the house and left me enjoying it alone.
-</p>
-<p>
-The very next evening, when I looked into my half of the garden, I found
-it weeded and put into the best of shape, and when I hunted up Isobel,
-angry indeed at having so much pleasure taken from me, she did not dare
-look me in the eye.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said sharply, “what is the meaning of this?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“John,” she said meekly, “I am afraid I am to blame. You know Mr. Prawley
-does not like automobile riding—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I know nothing of the kind, Isobel,” I said. “I know I am passionately
-fond of gardening, and that some one has robbed me of the pleasure I have
-looked forward to for years: the joy of weeding my own garden on my own
-land.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Mr. Prawley does not like automobile riding,” continued Isobel, “and he
-came to me this morning and told me his health was so poor that his doctor
-had told him nothing but gardening could save his life. When he showed the
-garden to his doctor, the doctor told him he was not getting half enough
-gardening—that he must garden twice as much. I told Mr. Prawley he
-could not have your half of the garden, because you were passionately fond
-of it—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“True, Isobel!” I said, rubbing my back at the lamest spot.
-</p>
-<p>
-“But he begged on his knees, saying that while it was only a pleasure for
-you, it was life and health for him, and when his wife wept, I had not the
-heart to refuse. He said he would make a fair exchange, and that as he was
-an anti-vegetarian you could have all the vegetables that grew in your own
-half, and all that grew in his, too.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, taking her hand, “this is a great, great disappointment
-to me. It robs me of a pleasure of which I may say I am passionately fond,
-but I cannot disown a contract made by my little wife. Mr. Prawley may
-garden my half of the garden.”
- </p>
-<p>
-I must admit that the Prawleys were ideal tenants. Not a sound came from
-his floor of the house. Indeed, I did not see him nor his family at all.
-But during my days in town he and Isobel seemed to have many
-conversations, and she was so tender-hearted and easily moved that one by
-one she let Mr. Prawley take all the outdoor work of which I may rightly
-claim to be passion—to be exceedingly fond.
-</p>
-<p>
-Mowing the lawn is one of the things in which I delight. I ardently love
-pushing the lawn mower, and if, occasionally, I allowed the grass to grow
-rather long, it was only because I was saving the pleasure of cutting it,
-as a child saves the icing of its cake for the last sweet bite. I remember
-remarking, quite in joke, one morning, that the confounded lawn needed
-mowing again, and that the grass seemed to do nothing but grow, and that
-I'd probably have to break my back over it when I got home that evening.
-But when I reached home that evening I suspected that Isobel must have
-taken my little joke as earnest, for the lawn was nicely mown and the
-edges trimmed. It seemed, when I questioned Isobel, that Mr. Prawley's
-doctor was not satisfied with his progress and had assured him that lawn
-mowing was necessary for his complete recovery. Thus Isobel allowed Mr.
-Prawley to usurp another of my pleasures.
-</p>
-<p>
-So, one by one, the outdoor tasks of which I am so passionately fond were
-wrested from me. I allowed them to go because I thought it necessary to
-humour Isobel in her pretence that some family occupied a flat above us,
-and all seemed well; and we were ready to go to Port Lafayette in Mr.
-Millington's automobile whenever it was ready to take us, when one day in
-June I happened to notice that our grass was getting unusually long and
-untidy.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, “I have humoured Mr. Prawley, abandoning to him all the
-outdoor chores of which I am so passionately fond, but if he is to do this
-lawn I want him to do it, and not neglect it shamefully. I will not have
-it looking like this!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“But, John—” she began.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I tell you, Isobel,” I said, with rising anger, “I won't have it! I'll
-stand a good deal, but when I have robbed myself of my greatest pleasure,
-and then see the other man neglecting it, I rebel. If this goes on I'll
-forget that Mr. Prawley has bad health. I'll enjoy cutting the lawn
-myself!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“John,” said Isobel, throwing her arms about my neck, “you will be so
-glad! I have good news to tell you! The Prawleys have moved away! Now you
-can do all your own hoeing and mowing.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“The Prawleys have moved away?” I gasped.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Yes,” she said cheerfully, “and now you can garden all the garden, and
-cut all the lawn and rake all the walks, and weed, and do all the things
-you are so fond of doing.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said sternly, “if I thought only of myself I would indeed be
-glad. But I cannot have my little wife fearing the empty flat above her.
-You must immediately hire another—er—get another family.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“But I shall not be nervous any more, John,” she said; “and it is a shame
-to deprive you of the outdoor work.”
- </p>
-<p>
-I looked out upon the large lawn and the large garden.
-</p>
-<p>
-“No, Isobel,” I said, “you must take no chances. You may not think you
-will be nervous, but the feeling may return. If you do not get a family to
-move in, I shall!”
- </p>
-<p>
-I rubbed the palms of my hands where the blisters had been, and thought of
-the middle of my back where the pains and aches had congregated. I was
-ready to sacrifice my passionate longing for outdoor work once more for
-Isobel's sake.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/45.png" alt="45" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-“Well,” she said thoughtfully, “I know of an excellent coloured man in
-Lower Westcote, that we can hire by the day—I mean that we can get
-to move into the flat—but I can hardly afford, with my present
-allowance, to pay his wages—that is, I mean—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“For some time, Isobel,” I said hastily, “I have been thinking your
-allowance was too small. You must have a—a great many household
-expenses of which I know nothing.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I have,” she said simply.
-</p>
-<p>
-That evening when I returned from the city I saw that the lawn grass had
-been cut so closely that it looked as if the lawn had been shaved. Isobel
-ran to meet me.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John!” she cried; “John! Who do you think has moved into the flat
-overhead?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Dear me!” I exclaimed. “How should I know?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“The Prawleys!” she cried. “The Prawleys have moved back again. Are you
-not glad?”
- </p>
-<p>
-I concealed my chagrin. I hid the sorrow with which I saw my passionate
-fondness for outdoor work once more defeated of its object.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, “I wish you would tell Mr. Prawley's doctor to tell Mr.
-Prawley that it is imperative for Mr. Prawley's best health that Mr.
-Prawley dig the grass out of the gravel walks to-morrow. Tell him—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I told him this evening to do the walks the first thing in the morning,”
- said Isobel innocently, “and when he has done them I am going to have him
-help Mary wash the windows.”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-III. THE EQUINE PALACE
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">N</span>OW that Mr. Prawley is back,” I told Isobel, “we can take that trip to
-Port Lafayette with Millington,” and it was then Isobel mentioned the
-advisability of keeping a horse; but Millington and I, not being afraid of
-automobiles, began to go to Port Lafayette in his automobile. As a rule we
-began to go every day, and sometimes twice a day, and I must say for
-Millington's automobile that it was one of the most patient I have ever
-seen. Patient and willing are the very words. It would start for Port
-Lafayette as willingly as anything, and go along as patiently as possible.
-It was a very patient goer. Haste had no charms for it.
-</p>
-<p>
-Millington used to come over bright and early and say cheerfully, “Well,
-how would you like to take a little run out to Port Lafayette to-day?” and
-I would get my cap, and we would go over to his garage and get into the
-machine. Then Millington would pull a lever or two, and begin to listen
-for noises indicative of internal disorders. As a rule, they began
-immediately, but sometimes he would not hear anything that could be called
-really serious until we reached the corner of the block. Once, I remember,
-and I shall never forget the date, we went three miles before Millington
-stopped the car and got out his wrenches and antiseptic bandages and other
-surgical tools; but usually the noises began inside of the block. Then we
-would push it home, and postpone the trip for that day, while Millington
-laboured over the automobile.
-</p>
-<p>
-“We will get to Port Lafayette yet,” he would say hopefully.
-</p>
-<p>
-As soon as Isobel mentioned keeping a horse I knew she was beginning to
-like suburban life, and I was delighted. Having lived all her life in a
-flat, her mind naturally ran to theatres and roof gardens, rather than to
-the delights of the suburbs, and her reading still consisted more of
-department store bargain sales and advertisements of new plays than of
-seed catalogues and ready mixed paints, as a good suburban wife's reading
-should; but as soon as she mentioned that it would be nice to have a horse
-I knew she was at length falling a victim to the allurements of our
-semi-country existence. In order to add fuel to the flame I took up the
-suggestion with enthusiasm.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said warmly, “that is a splendid idea! A horse is just what we
-need to add the finishing touch to our happiness! With these splendid,
-tree-bordered roads—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“A horse that is not afraid of Mr. Millington's automobile,” interposed
-Isobel.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Certainly,” I said, “a horse that you can drive without fear—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“But not a pokey old thing,” said Isobel.
-</p>
-<p>
-“By no means,” I agreed; “what we want is a young, fresh horse that can
-get over the road—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“And gentle,” said Isobel. “And strong. And he must be a good-looking
-horse. One with a glossy skin. Reddish brown, with a long tail. I would
-like a great, big, strong-looking horse, like the Donelleys', but faster,
-like the Smiths'.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Exactly,” I said. “That's the sort of horse I had in mind. And we will
-get the horse immediately. I shall stay at home tomorrow and select the
-kind of horse we want, unless Mr. Millington takes me to Port Lafayette—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Now, John,” said Isobel, “you must not be too hasty. You must be careful.
-I think the right way to buy a horse is to shop a little first, and see
-what people have in stock, and not take the first thing that is offered,
-the way you do when you buy shirts. You know how hideous some of those
-last shirts are, and the arms far too long, and we don't want anything
-like that to happen when you are buying a horse. I have been talking to
-Mrs. Rolfs, and she says it is mere folly to buy the first horse that is
-offered. Mrs. Rolfs says it stands to reason that a man who wants to get
-rid of a horse would be the first man to offer it. As soon as he learned
-we wanted a horse he would rush to us with the horse, so as not to lose
-the chance of getting rid of it. And Mrs. Millington says it is worse than
-foolish to wait until the very last horse is offered and then buy that
-one, for the man that hung back in that way would undoubtedly be the man
-that did not particularly care to part with his horse, and would feel that
-he was doing us a favour, and would ask a perfectly unreasonable price.
-The thing to do, John, is to buy, as nearly as possible, the middle horse
-that is offered. If twenty-one horses were offered the thing to do would
-be to buy the eleventh horse, and in that way we would be sure to get a
-good horse at a reasonable price.”
- </p>
-<p>
-I told Isobel that what she said was perfectly logical, and that I would
-get right to work and frame up an advertisement for the local paper,
-saying we wanted a horse and would be glad to examine twenty-one of them.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Now, wait a minute,” she said, when I had started for my desk, “and don't
-be in too great a hurry. You know the mistake you made in those last socks
-you bought, by going into the first store you came to, and the very first
-time you put on those socks they wore full of holes. We don't want a horse
-that will wear like that. Mrs. Rolfs says we must be very particular what
-sort of man we buy our horse from. She says it is like suicide to buy a
-horse from a dealer, because a dealer knows so much more about horses than
-we do, and is up to so many tricks, that he would have no trouble at all
-in fooling us, and we would probably get a horse that was worth nothing at
-all. And Mrs. Millington says it is the greatest mistake in the world to
-buy a horse from an ordinary suburban commuter. She says commuters know
-nothing at all about horses and just buy them blindfold, and that, if we
-buy a horse from a commuter, we are sure to get a worthless horse that the
-commuter has had foisted upon him and is anxious to get rid of. The person
-to buy a horse of, John, is a person that knows all about horses, but who
-is not a dealer.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“My idea exactly,” I told Isobel, and started for my desk again.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John, dear,” said Isobel, before I had taken two steps, “why are you
-always so impetuous? Of course I want a horse, and I would like to have it
-as soon as possible, but I believe in exercising a little common sense.
-Where, may I ask, are you going to keep the horse when you have got him?”
- </p>
-<p>
-Now, this had not occurred to me, but I answered promptly.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I shall put him out to board,” I said unhesitatingly, and there was
-really nothing else I could say, for there was no stable on my place. I
-know plenty of suburbanites who keep horses and have them boarded at the
-livery stables. But this did not please Isobel.
-</p>
-<p>
-“You must do nothing of the kind!” said Isobel firmly. “Mrs. Rolfs and
-Mrs. Millington both say there is nothing worse for a good horse than to
-put it out to board. Mrs. Rolfs says it is much cheaper to keep your horse
-in your own bam, and Mrs. Millington says she would have a very low
-opinion of any man who would trust his horse to a liveryman. She says the
-horse is man's most faithful servant, and should be treated as such, and
-that she has not the least doubt that the liveryman would underfeed our
-horse, and then let it out to hire to some young harum-scarum, who would
-whip it into a gallop until it got overheated, and then water it when it
-was so hot the water would sizzle in its stomach, creating steam and
-giving it a bad case of colic. And Mrs. Rolfs says the liveryman would be
-pleased with this, rather than sorry, for then he would have to call in
-the veterinary, who would divide his fee with the liveryman. So, you see,
-we must keep our horse in our own stable.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“But, my dear,” I protested, “we have no stable.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Then we must build one,” said Isobel with decision. “Mrs. Rolfs, as soon
-as she heard we were going to keep a horse, lent me a magazine with a
-picture of a very nice stable, and Mrs. Millington lent me another
-magazine with some excellent hints on how a modern stable should be
-arranged, and I think, with all the modern methods of doing things
-rapidly, we might have our stable all complete in a week, or ten days at
-the most.”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/61.png" alt="61" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-When I looked at Mrs. Rolfs's picture of a stable I felt immediately that
-it would not suit my purse. I admitted to Isobel that it was a handsome
-stable, and that the cupola with the weather vane looked very well indeed,
-and that the idea of having two wings extended from the main building to
-form a sort of court was a good one; but I told her it would inconvenience
-the traffic on the street before our house if we moved our house far
-enough into the street to permit putting a stable of that size in our
-back-yard. I also told her, as gently as I could, that the style of
-architecture did not suit our house, for while our house is a plain house,
-the stable recommended by Mrs. Rolfs was pressed brick and stained
-shingles, with a slate roof. I also pointed out to Isobel that one horse
-hardly needed a stable of that size, and that even a very large horse
-would feel lonely in the main building.
-</p>
-<p>
-I remarked jocosely that it would be well enough, if we could keep two or
-three grooms with nothing to do but hunt through the stable, trying to
-find the horse. If we could afford to do that, it would be a pleasure to
-awaken in the morning and have one of the grooms come running to us with
-the light of joy on his face, saying, “What do you think, sir?
-</p>
-<p>
-“But I told her it would inconvenience the traffic on the street before
-our house if we moved our house far enough into the street to permit
-putting a stable of that size in our backyard.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Isobel smiled in a wan, sad way at this, so I did not say, as I had
-intended saying if she had received my joke well, that the only horse
-requiring wings was Pegasus, and that he furnished his own.
-</p>
-<p>
-Instead, I took up Mrs. Millington's article on the modern stable. It was
-a masterly article, indeed, and it spoke highly of the gravity stable. No
-hay forks, no pitching up forage, no elevating feed, no loading of manure
-from a heap into a wagon. No, indeed! Everything must go down; the natural
-law of gravitation must do the work. Three stories, with the rear of the
-stable against the side of the hill. Drive your feed into the top story
-and unload it. Slide it down into the second story to the horse. Through a
-trap in the stall the manure falls into a wagon waiting to receive it.
-</p>
-<p>
-There were other details—electric lights, silver-mounted chains, and
-other little things—but I did not pay much attention to them. I
-explained to Isobel that it would be difficult to build a firm, solid
-hill, large enough to back a three-story stable against, in our backyard.
-Of course, there were plenty of hills in our part of Long Island that were
-lying idle and might be had at low cost, but it costs a great deal to move
-a hill, and all of them were so large they would overlap our property and
-bury the homes of Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington. This did not greatly
-impress Isobel, however, and I had to come out firmly and tell her it
-would be impossible to build a stable three stories high, with two wings,
-pressed brick, shingle walls, slate roof, and a weather vane, and at the
-same time erect a nice hill and buy a horse and rig, all with one thousand
-dollars, which was all the money I could afford to spend.
-</p>
-<p>
-When I put it that way, and gave her her choice of one thousand dollars'
-worth of hill, or one thousand dollars' worth of stable, or one thousand
-dollars' worth of assorted horse, stable, and rig, she chose the last, and
-only remarked that she would insist on the weather vane and the manure
-pit. She said that Mrs. Rolfs had taken such an interest, bringing over
-the magazine, that it was only right to have the weather vane, at least;
-and that Mrs. Millington had been so interested and kind that the very
-least we could do was to have the manure pit.
-</p>
-<p>
-“And another thing,” said Isobel, “Mr. Prawley is going to move out of the
-flat overhead.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Great Cæsar!” I exclaimed. “Is that man quitting again? Isn't he getting
-enough wages?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Wages?” said Isobel. “Nothing has been said about wages. But this Mr.
-Prawley will not stay if we buy a horse. He says he does not mind
-gardening your garden and mowing your lawn and taking all your other
-outdoor exercise for you, but that a horse once reached over the side of
-the stall and bit him, and he doesn't want to work—to live in a
-place where horses are liable to bite him at any time without a minute's
-notice.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Tell that fellow,” I said, “that we will get a horse that doesn't bite,
-or that we will muzzle the horse, or—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“It would be easier,” said Isobel, “to—to have a Prawley move in who
-was not afraid of horses. I know of a man in East Westcote, and he has had
-experience with horses—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Very well,” I said. “I suppose you will wish your allowance increased?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Yes,” said Isobel, “if the new Mr. Prawley moves into the flat overhead,
-I will need about five dollars a month more than you have been allowing
-me.”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-IV. “BOB”
- </h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE next morning I stayed at home to see about getting the stable built in
-a hurry, but before I had finished breakfast Millington came over and said
-it was an ideal day for a little spin up to Port Lafayette in his
-automobile. He said the whole machine was in perfect order and we would
-dash out to Port Lafayette, have a bath in the salt water, and come
-spinning back, and he told Isobel and me to get on our hats, and he would
-have the car before the door in a minute.
-</p>
-<p>
-Isobel and I hastily finished our coffee and put on our hats and went out
-to the gate, for, although we were very eager to build the stable, we did
-not like to offend Millington by refusing his invitation, when he had
-asked us so often to go to Port Lafayette. In half an hour he arrived at
-the gate, and we climbed in.
-</p>
-<p>
-Our usual custom, on these trips to Port Lafayette, was for Millington and
-me to sit in front, while Isobel and Mrs. Millington sat in the rear.
-There was a nice little gate in the rear by which they could enter.
-</p>
-<p>
-You see, Millington's automobile was just a little old. I should not go so
-far as to say it was the first automobile ever made. It was probably the
-thirteenth, and Millington was probably the thirteenth owner. I know it
-had four cylinders, because Millington was constantly remarking that only
-three were working. Sometimes only one worked, and sometimes that one did
-not.
-</p>
-<p>
-When we were all comfortably arranged in our seats, and all snugly tucked
-in, Millington cranked the machine for half an hour, and then remarked
-regretfully that this was one of the days none of the cylinders was
-working, and we got out again.
-</p>
-<p>
-Mr. Rolfs had come out to see us start, and he helped Millington and me
-push the automobile back to the Millington garage; and as I walked
-homeward he said he had heard I was going to buy a horse, and he wanted to
-give me a little advice.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Probably you have not given much attention to the subject of
-deforestation,” he said, “but I have, and it is the great crime of our
-age.”
- </p>
-<p>
-I told him I did not see what that had to do with my purchasing a horse,
-but he said it had everything to do with it.
-</p>
-<p>
-“When you buy a horse, you have to erect a stable,” he said, “and when you
-erect a stable, you have to buy lumber, and when you have to buy lumber,
-you suffer in your purse because the forests have been ruthlessly
-destroyed. As a friend and neighbour I would not have you go and purchase
-poor lumber, and with it build a stable that will rot to pieces in a few
-years. You must buy the best lumber, and that is too expensive to use
-recklessly. I want to warn you particularly about wire nails. Do not let
-your builder use them. They loosen in a short time and allow the boards to
-warp and crack. Personally, if I were building a stable I should have the
-ends of the boards dovetailed, and instead of nails I should use ash pegs,
-but I understand you do not wish to go to great expense, so screws will
-do. Let it be part of your contract that not a nail shall be used in your
-stable—nothing but screws, and if you can afford brass screws, so
-much the better. But remember, no nails!”
- </p>
-<p>
-I thanked Rolfs, and when Millington came over to invite me to take a
-little run up to Port Lafayette the next morning I told him what Mr. Rolfs
-had said.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Now that is just like Rolfs,” he said, “impractical as the day is long.
-Screws would not do at all. The carpenters would drive the screws with a
-hammer, and the screws would crack the wood. Take my advice and let it be
-part of your contract that not a screw is to be used in your stable;
-nothing but wire nails. <i>But</i> stipulate long wire nails; wire nails
-so long that they will go clear through and clinch on the other side, and
-then see that each and every nail is clinched. If you do this you will
-have no trouble with split lumber and not a board will work loose.”
- </p>
-<p>
-When I spoke to the builder about the probable cost of the stable, I was
-sorry I had been so lenient with Isobel, and that I had not put my foot
-down on the weather vane at once. A weather vane does not add to the
-comfort of a family horse, and the longer I spoke with the builder the
-surer I became that what I needed was not a lot of gimcracks, but a plain,
-simple, story-and-a-half affair, with the chaste architectural lines of a
-dry-goods box. I mentioned, casually, the hints Mr. Rolfs and Mr.
-Millington had given me, but the builder did not seem very enthusiastic
-about them. He snorted in a peculiar way and then said that if I was going
-in for that sort of thing I could get better results by having no nails or
-screws at all. He said I could have holes bored in the boards with a
-gimlet, and have the stable laced together with rawhide thongs, but that
-when I got ready to talk business in a sensible way, I could let him know.
-He said this was his busy day, and that his office was not a lunatic
-asylum.
-</p>
-<p>
-I managed to calm him in less than half an hour, and he remained quite
-docile until I mentioned Isobel and said she hoped he would have the
-stable ready for the horse within a week. It took me much longer to calm
-him that time. For a few moments I feared for his reason. But he quieted
-down.
-</p>
-<p>
-Then I showed him a plan I had drawn, showing the working of the manure
-dump, and this had quite a different effect on him. It pleased him
-immensely, as I could see by his face. I explained how it operated; how
-throwing a catch allowed one end of the stall floor to drop, while the
-other end of the stall floor was held in place by hinges, and he said it
-was certainly a new idea. He asked me whether it was Mr. Rolfs's idea or
-Mr. Millington's, and when I told him I had worked out the plan myself, he
-said he had rather thought so.
-</p>
-<p>
-“It is just such a plan as I should expect a man of your intelligence to
-work out,” he said.
-</p>
-<p>
-Then he asked to see my bank-book, and when I had shown him just how much
-money I had, he said the best way to build the stable was by the day. If
-it was built by the job, he explained, a builder naturally had to hurry
-the job, and things were not done as carefully as I wished them done; but
-if it was done by the day, every hammer stroke would be carefully made,
-and I could pay every evening for the work done that day.
-</p>
-<p>
-About the third week of the building operations those careful hammer
-strokes began to get on my nerves. I never knew hammer strokes so
-carefully considered and so cautiously delivered. The carpenters were most
-careful about them, and several times I spoke to the builder and suggested
-that if shorter nails were used perhaps it would not take so many strokes
-of the hammer to drive them in. I told him, if he was willing, I was
-willing to have the rest of the stable done by the job, but he said it had
-gone too far for that.
-</p>
-<p>
-There were two men working on my stable—“two souls with but a single
-thought,” Isobel called them—and they were hard thinkers. The two of
-them would take hold of a board, one at either end, and hold it in their
-hands, and look at it, and think. I do not know what they thought about—deforestation,
-probably—but they would think for ten minutes and then put the board
-gently to one side and think about another board. They did their thinking,
-as they did their work, by the day.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/77.png" alt="77" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-We had plenty of time in which to select our horse while our stable was
-building. My advertisement in the local paper brought a horse to my door
-the morning after it appeared, and no horse could have suited me quite so
-well as that one, but I was resolute and firm. I told the man—he was
-not a dealer nor yet a commuter, and my conversation with him showed me
-that he knew just enough, and not too much, about horses—that I
-liked his horse very well indeed, but that I could not purchase it.. At
-this he seemed downcast, and I did not blame him. He seemed to take my
-refusal as some sort of personal insult, for the horse was young, large,
-strong, gentle, and speedy, and the price was right; but every time I
-began to weaken Isobel said, “John, remember number eleven!” and I
-refrained from purchasing that horse. I finally sent the man away with
-warm expressions of my esteem for him as a man, but that did not seem to
-cheer him much.
-</p>
-<p>
-An hour later another man brought another horse, and I sent him away also,
-as was my duty, for he was only number two; but he was hardly gone when
-horse number one appeared again. I saw at once that I was going to have
-trouble with that man. He was so sure he had the horse I wanted that he
-would not go away and stay away. He kept coming back, and each time he
-went away sadder than before. He was a sad-looking man, anyway, and he
-would sit in his buggy and talk to me until another horse was driven up,
-and then he would sigh and drive down to the corner, and sit and look at
-me reproachfully until the other man drove away again. Then he would drive
-back and reproach me, with tears in his eyes, for not buying his horse. By
-lunch time I was almost worn out, and I told Isobel as much when I looked
-out of the window and saw that handsome horse and his sad driver waiting
-patiently at my gate. I told her I was tempted to take that horse, Mrs.
-Rolfs or no Mrs. Rolfs.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Take that horse?” said Isobel, as if my words surprised her. “Why, of
-course we are going to take that horse!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“But, my dear,” I said, “after what you told me about taking the eleventh
-horse?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Certainly,” said Isobel. “What is this but the eleventh horse? It came
-first, and then another horse came, and then this one came third, and then
-some other horse came, and then this one came fifth, and so on, and now it
-is standing there at the gate, the eleventh horse. Certainly we will buy
-this horse.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, “we might quite as well have bought it the first time it
-was driven to our gate as this time.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Not at all,” she said; “that would have been an altogether different
-thing. If we had taken the first horse that was offered we would have
-regretted it all our lives; but now we can take this horse and feel
-perfectly safe.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Bob—that was the name of the horse—fitted into our stable
-pretty well. He had to bend rather sharply in the middle to get out of his
-stall, but he was quite limber for a horse of his age and size, so he
-managed it very well. A stiffer horse might have broken in two or have
-been permanently bent. The stall was so economically built that a large,
-long horse like Bob stuck out of it like a long ship in a short dock; he
-stuck out so far that we had to go around through the carriage room to get
-on the other side of him. Our new Mr. Prawley did not mind this. He was
-willing to spend all the time necessary going from one bit of work to
-another.
-</p>
-<p>
-There was one advantage in having the stable and everything about it on a
-small scale—it lessened the depth of the manure pit. The very first
-night we put Bob in his stall we heard a loud noise in the stable. Isobel
-suggested that we had overfed Bob, and that he had swelled out and pressed
-out the sides of the stable, but I thought it more likely that the
-weather-boarding had slipped loose. I had seen the thoughtful carpenters
-putting that weather-boarding on the stable. But Isobel and I were both
-wrong. Bob had merely dropped into the manure pit.
-</p>
-<p>
-I was glad then that I had chosen a strong horse, for he did not seem to
-mind the drop in the least. He stood there with his front feet in the
-basement, as you might say, and with his rear feet upstairs, quite as if
-that was his usual way of standing. After that he often fell into the
-manure pit, and he always took it good-naturedly. He got so he expected
-it, after awhile, and if his stall floor did not drop once a day, he
-became restless and took no interest in his food. Usually, during the day,
-Bob and Mr. Prawley dropped into the basement together while Mr. Prawley
-was currying Bob, but at night, when we heard Bob calling us in the
-homesick, whinnying tone, and kicking his heels against the side of the
-stable, we knew what he wanted, and to prevent him kicking the stable to
-ruins, we—Isobel and I—would go out and drop him into the
-basement a couple of times. Then he would be satisfied.
-</p>
-<p>
-There was but one thing we feared: Bob might become so fond of having his
-forefeet in the basement and his rear feet upstairs, that he would stand
-no other way, and in course of time his front legs would have to lengthen
-enough to let his head reach his manger, or his neck would have to
-stretch. Either would give him the general appearance of a giraffe. While
-this would be neat for show purposes, it would attract almost too much
-attention in a family horse. I have no doubt this is the way the giraffe
-acquired its peculiar construction, but we were able to avoid it, for we
-awoke one night when Bob made an unaided descent into the manure pit, and
-when we went to aid him we found he had descended at both ends, on account
-of the economical hinges used on the drop floor of the stall of our equine
-palace. Bob showed in every way that he had enjoyed that drop more than
-any drop he had ever taken, but I drew the line there. I had other things
-to do more important than conducting a private Coney Island for a horse.
-If Bob had been a colt I might not have been so stern about it, but I will
-not pamper a staid old family horse by operating shoot-the-chutes and
-loop-the-loops for him at two o'clock in the morning.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, “if that horse is to continue in my stable you may tell
-Mr. Prawley that it is necessary for his health that he sleep in the
-stable-loft hereafter. It will be good exercise for him to get up at
-midnight and pull Bob out of the manure pit.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“This present Mr. Prawley will not do it,” said Isobel. “He has a wife and
-family at East Westcote, and he—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Very well,” I said, “then get another Mr. Prawley!”
- </p>
-<p>
-Of the new Mr. Prawley it is necessary to speak a few words.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-V. THE NEW MR. PRAWLEY
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE new Mr. Prawley (by this time a family, but we still clung to the name
-Prawley, just as all coloured waiters are called “George”) was a most
-unusual man.
-</p>
-<p>
-For a month before we hired him he had been trying to undermine Isobel's
-faith in the Mr. Prawley from East Westcote. He had called at the house
-two or three times a week. At first he merely asked for the job of
-man-of-all-work, as any applicant might have asked for it, but he soon
-began speaking of our Prawley in the most damaging terms. I believe there
-was hardly a crime or misdemeanour that he did not lay at the door of our
-Mr. Prawley, and so insistent was he that Isobel and I had ceased to speak
-of him as living in our attic.
-</p>
-<p>
-Isobel decided the two men must be deadly enemies, and that this fellow
-was set on hounding our Mr. Prawley from pillar to post, like an avenging
-angel. She concluded that this man must have been frightfully wronged by
-our Mr. Prawley, and that he had sworn to dog his footsteps to the grave.
-</p>
-<p>
-But when she let our Mr. Prawley go and hired this new Mr. Prawley, his
-interest in his predecessor ceased entirely. In place of the eager,
-longing look his face had worn, he now wore a thin, satisfied look, which
-I can best describe as that of a hungry jackal licking his chops. Mr.
-Prawley—his name, he told us, was Duggs, Alonzo Duggs, but we called
-him Mr. Prawley—was a tall, lean, villanous-looking fellow, with a
-red, pointed beard, and at times when he leaned on the division fence and
-looked into Mr. Millington's yard I could see his fingers opening and
-shutting like the claws of a bird of prey. He seemed to hate Mr.
-Millington With a deep but hidden hatred, and often, when Mr. Millington
-was preparing to take Isobel and me to Port Lafayette, Mr. Prawley would
-stand and grit his teeth in the most unpleasant manner. When I spoke to
-Mr. Prawley about it he said, “It isn't Mr. Millington. It is the
-automobile. I hate automobiles!”
- </p>
-<p>
-For that matter, I was beginning to hate them myself. Many a pleasant ride
-behind Bob did I have to sacrifice because Millington insisted that we
-take a little run up to Port Lafayette with him and Mrs. Millington. We
-would all get into his car, and Millington would pull his cap down tight,
-and begin to frown and cock his head on one side to hear signs of asthma
-or heart throbs or whatever the automobile might take a notion to have
-that day. And off we would go!
-</p>
-<p>
-I tell you, it was exhilarating. After all there is nothing like motoring.
-We would roll smoothly down the street, with Millington frowning like a
-pirate all the way, and then suddenly he would hear the noise he was
-listening for, and he would stop frowning, and jerk a lever that stopped
-the car, and hop out with a satisfied expression, and begin to whistle,
-and open the car in eight places, and take out an assorted hardware store,
-and adhesive tape, and blankets, and oil cans, and hatchets, and axes, and
-get to work on the car as happy as a babe; and Mrs. Millington and Isobel
-and I would walk home.
-</p>
-<p>
-The sight of an automobile seemed to madden Mr. Prawley, but otherwise he
-was the meekest of men, and a good example of this was the manner in which
-he behaved at our Christmas party.
-</p>
-<p>
-The idea of having a good, old-fashioned Christmas house party for our
-city friends was Isobel's idea, but the moment she mentioned it I adopted
-it, and told her we would have Jimmy Dunn out. Jimmy Dunn is one of those
-rare men that have acquired the suburban-visit habit. Usually when we
-suburbanites invite a city friend to spend the week-end with us, the city
-friend balks.
-</p>
-<p>
-Into his frank eyes comes a furtive, shifty look as he tries to think of
-an adequate lie to serve as an excuse for not coming, but Jimmy was taken
-in hand when he was young and flexible, and he has become meek and docile
-under adversity, as I might say. When any one invites Jimmy to the suburbs
-he hardly makes a struggle. I suppose it is because of the gradual
-weakening of his will power.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Good!” I said. “We will have Jimmy Dunn out over Christmas.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Oh! Jimmy Dunn!” scoffed Isobel gently. “Of course we will have Jimmy,
-but what I mean is to have a lot of people—ten at least—and we
-must have at least two lovers, because they will look so well in that
-little alcove room off the parlour, and we can go in and surprise them
-once in a while. And we will have a Santa Claus, and lots of holly and
-mistletoe, and a tree with all sorts of foolish presents on it for every
-one, and—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Splendid!” I cried less enthusiastically.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Now as for the ten—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Well,” said Isobel, “we will have Jimmy Dunn—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“That is what I suggested,” I said meekly. “We will have Jimmy Dunn,”
- repeated Isobel, “and then we will have—we will have—I wonder
-who we could get to come out. Mary might come, if she wasn't in Europe.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“That would make two,” I said cheerfully, “if she wasn't in Europe.” “And
-we must have a Yule-log!” exclaimed Isobel. “A big, blazing Yule-log, to
-drink wassail in front of, and to sing carols around.” I told Isobel that,
-as nearly as I could judge, the fireplaces in our house had not been
-constructed for big, blazing Yule-logs. I reminded her that when I had
-spoken to the last owner about having a grate fire he had advised us, with
-great excitement, not to attempt anything so rash. He had said that if we
-were careful we might have a gas-log, provided it was a small one and we
-did not turn on the gas full force, and were sure our insurance was placed
-in a good, reliable company. He had said that if we were careful about
-those few things, and kept a pail of water on the roof in case of
-emergency, we might use a gas-log, provided we extinguished it as soon as
-we felt any heat coming from it. I had not, at the time, thought of
-mentioning a Yule-log to him, but I told Isobel now that perhaps we might
-be able to find a small, gas-burning Yule-log at the gas company's office.
-Isobel scoffed at the idea. She said we might as well put a hot-water
-bottle in the grate and try to be merry around that.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I don't see,” she said, “why people build chimneys in houses if it is
-going to be dangerous to have a fire in the fireplace.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“They improve the ventilation, I suppose,” I said, “and then, what would
-Santa Claus come down if there were no chimneys?”
- </p>
-<p>
-I frequently drop these half-joking remarks into my conversations with
-Isobel, and not infrequently she smiles at them in a faraway manner, but
-this time she jumped at the remark and seized it with both hands.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John!” she cried, “that is the very, very thing! We will have Santa Claus
-come down the chimney! And you will be Santa Claus!” I remained calm. Some
-men would have immediately remembered they had prior engagements for
-Christmas. Some men would have instantly declared that Santa Claus was an
-unworthy myth. But not I! I dropped upon my hands and knees and gazed up
-the chimney. When I withdrew my head, I stood up and grasped Isobel's
-hand.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Fine!” I cried with well-simulated enthusiasm. “I'll get an automobile
-coat from Millington, and sleigh bells and a mask with a long white beard—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“And a wig with long white hair,” Isobel added joyously.
-</p>
-<p>
-“And while our guests are all at dinner,” I cried, “I will steal away from
-the table—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“John!” exclaimed Isobel. “You can't be Santa Claus! Can't you see that it
-would never, never do for you to leave the table when your guests were all
-there? You cannot be Santa Claus, John!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Oh, Isobel!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“No,” she said firmly, “you cannot be Santa Claus. Jimmy Dunn must be
-Santa Claus!”
- </p>
-<p>
-We had Jimmy Dunn out the next Sunday and broke it to him as gently as we
-could, and explained what a lot of fun it would be for him, and how I
-envied him the chance. For some reason he did not become wildly
-enthusiastic. Instead he kneeled down, as I had done, and put his head
-into the fireplace, in his usual slow-going manner, and looked up to where
-the small oblong of blue sky glowed far, far above him.
-</p>
-<p>
-When he withdrew his head, he began some maundering talk about, an uncle
-of his in Baltimore who was far from well, and who was likely to be
-extremely dead or sick or married about Christmas time, but I had had too
-much experience with such excuses to pay any attention to him. Isobel and
-I gathered about him and talked as fast as we could, with merry little
-laughs, and presently Jimmy seemed more resigned, and said he supposed if
-he had to be Santa Claus there was no way out of it if he wanted t o keep
-our friendship. So when he suggested getting an automobile coat to wear,
-we hailed it as a splendidly original idea, and patted him on the back,
-and he went away in a rather good humour, particularly when we told him he
-need not come all the way down from the top of the chimney, but could get
-into the chimney from the room above the parlour. I told him it would be
-no trouble at all to take out the iron back of the fireplace, for it was
-almost falling out, and that we would have a ladder in the chimney for him
-to come down.
-</p>
-<p>
-It was Mrs. Rolfs who changed our plans.
-</p>
-<p>
-As soon as she heard we were going to have a Santa Claus, she brought over
-a magazine and showed Isobel an article that said Santa Claus was lacking
-in originality, and that it was much better to have two little girls
-dressed as snow fairies distribute the presents from the tree, and Mrs.
-Rolfs said she was willing to lend us her two daughters, if we insisted.
-So we had to insist.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/99.png" alt="99" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-By the merest oversight, such as might occur in any family excited over
-the preparations for a Christmas party, Isobel forgot to tell Jimmy Dunn
-that the plan was changed. She had enough to think of without thinking of
-that, for she found, at the last moment, that she could not pick up a
-regularly constituted pair of lovers for the little alcove room, and she
-had to patch up a temporary pair of lovers by inviting Miss Seiler,
-depending on Jimmy Dunn to do the best he could as the other half of the
-pair. Of course Jimmy Dunn does not talk much, and it was apt to be a
-surprise to him to learn he was scheduled to make love, but Miss Seiler
-talks enough for two. When Jimmy arrived, about four o'clock Christmas
-eve, Isobel let him know he was to be a lover, but he was then in the
-house, and it was too late for him to get away.
-</p>
-<p>
-Isobel had done nobly in securing guests. Jimmy and Miss Seiler were the
-only guests from the city, but she had captured some suburbanites. Ten of
-us made merry at the table—that is, all ten except Jimmy. I was
-positively ashamed of Jimmy. There we were at the culminating hours of the
-merry Yule-tide, gathered at the festive board itself, with a bowl of
-first-rate home-made wassail with ice in it, and Jimmy was expected to
-smile lovingly, and blush, and all that sort of thing, and what did he do?
-He sat as mute as a clam, and started uneasily every time a new course
-appeared. Before dessert arrived he actually arose and asked to be
-excused.
-</p>
-<p>
-Now, if <i>you</i> intended making a fool of yourself in a friend's house
-by impersonating Santa Claus and coming down a chimney in a fur automobile
-coat, and nonsense like that, <i>you</i> would have sense enough to
-remember which room upstairs had the chimney that led down into the
-parlour fireplace, wouldn't you? So I blame Jimmy entirely, and so does
-Isobel. Jimmy says—of course he had to have some excuse—that
-we might have told him we had given up the idea of having Santa Claus come
-down the chimney, and that if we had wanted him to come down any
-particular chimney we should have put a label on it. “Santa Claus enter
-here,” I suppose.
-</p>
-<p>
-Jimmy said he did the best he could; that he knew he did not have much
-time between the threatened appearance of the dessert and the time he was
-supposed to issue from the fireplace—and so on! He was quite excited
-about it. Quite bitter, I may say.
-</p>
-<p>
-It seems—or so Jimmy says—that, when he left the table, Jimmy
-went upstairs and got into his automobile coat of fur, and his felt boots,
-and his mask, and his fur gloves, and his long white hair, and his
-stocking hat, and that about the time we were sipping coffee he was ready.
-He says it was no joke to be done up in all those things in an overheated
-house, and he thought if he got into the chimney he might be in a cool
-draught, so he poked about until he found a fireplace and backed carefully
-into it, and pawed with his left foot for the top rung of the ladder. That
-was about the time we arose from the table with merry laughs, as nearly as
-Isobel and I can judge.
-</p>
-<p>
-No one missed Jimmy, except Miss Seiler, and she was so unused to being
-made love to as Jimmy made love that she thought nothing of a temporary
-absence. It was not until I took Jimmy's present from the tree and sent
-one of the Rolfs fairies to hand it to Jimmy that we realized he was not
-in the parlour, and then Isobel and I both felt hurt to think that Jimmy
-had selfishly withdrawn from among us when we had gone to all the trouble
-of getting the other half of a pair of lovers especially on his account.
-It was not fair to Miss Seiler, and I told Jimmy so the next time I saw
-him.
-</p>
-<p>
-When the Rolfs fairy had looked in all the rooms, upstairs and down, and
-had not found Jimmy, she came back and told Isobel, and that was when
-Isobel remembered she had forgotten to tell Jimmy we had given up the idea
-of having a Santa Claus. Isobel looked up the parlour chimney, but he was
-not there, and then we all started merrily looking up chimneys. We found
-Santa Claus up the library chimney almost immediately. He was still
-kicking, but not with much vim—more like a man that is kicking
-because he has nothing else to do than like a man that enjoys it.
-</p>
-<p>
-I think we must have been gathering around the Christmas tree to the
-cheery music of a carol when Santa Claus put his foot on a loose brick in
-the fireplace and slipped. I claim that if Santa Claus had instantly
-thrown his body forward he would have been safe enough, but Santa Claus
-says he did not have time—that he slid down the chimney immediately,
-as far as his arms would let him. He says that when he caught the edge of
-the hearth with his hands he did yell; that he yelled as loud as any man
-could who was wrapped in a fur coat and had his mouth full of white
-horse-hair whiskers and his face covered by a mask. I say that proves he
-yelled just as we were singing the carol. He should have yelled a moment
-sooner, or should have waited half an hour, until the noise in the parlour
-abated. Santa Claus says he tried to stay there half an hour, but the two
-bricks he had grasped did not want to wait. They wanted to hurry down the
-chimney without further delay, and they had their own way about it. So
-Santa Claus went on down with them.
-</p>
-<p>
-I tell Santa Claus that even if we were singing carols we would have heard
-him if he had fallen to the library floor with a bump, and that it was his
-fault if he did not fall heavily, but he blames the architect. He says
-that if the chimney had been built large enough he would have done his
-part and would have fallen hard, but that when he reached the narrow part
-of the chimney he wedged there. I said that was the fault of wearing an
-automobile coat that padded him out so he could not fall through an
-ordinary chimney, and I asked him if he thought any man who meant to fall
-down chimneys had ever before put on an automobile coat to fall in.
-</p>
-<p>
-Certainly I, the host, could not be expected to stop the laughter and
-merriment when I was taking presents from the tree, and bid every one be
-silent and listen for the muffled tones of a Santa Claus in the library
-chimney. I do not say Santa Claus did not yell as loudly as he could.
-Doubtless he did. And I do not say he did not try to get out of the
-chimney. He says he did, but that with his arms crowded above his head he
-could do nothing but reach. He says he also kicked, but there was nothing
-to kick. He says the most fruitless task in the world is to kick when
-wedged in a chimney with a whole fur automobile coat crowded up under the
-arms and nothing below to kick but air.
-</p>
-<p>
-Luckily I was able to send for Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington, whose advice
-is always valuable, since when I know what they advise I know what not to
-do. Mr. Rolfs rushed in and was of the opinion that we must get a chisel
-and chisel a hole in the library wall as near as possible to where Santa
-Claus was reposing, but when Mr. Millington arrived, breathless, he said
-this would be simple murder, for as likely as not the chisel would enter
-between two bricks and perforate Santa Claus beyond repair. Mr. Millington
-said the thing to do was to get a clothesline and attach it to Santa
-Claus's feet and pull him down. He said it was logical to pull him
-downward, because we would then be aided by the law of gravitation. Mr.
-Rolfs said this was nonsense, and that it would only wedge Santa Claus in
-the chimney more tightly, and that we would, in all probability, pull him
-in two, or at least stretch him out so long that he would never be very
-useful again.
-</p>
-<p>
-Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington became quite heated in their argument. Mr.
-Rolfs said that if a rope was to be used it should be used to pull Santa
-Claus upward, but they compromised by agreeing to cut the clothesline in
-two, choose up sides, and let one side pull Santa Claus upward, while the
-other pulled him downward. Then Santa Claus would move in the direction of
-least resistance. So they got the clothesline, and Mr. Rolfs was about to
-cut it, when Miss Seiler screamed.
-</p>
-<p>
-I was doubly glad she screamed just at that juncture, for we had all
-become so interested in the Rolfs-Millington controversy that we had
-forgotten how perishable a human being is, and, with two such stubborn men
-as Rolfs and Millington urging us on, we might have pulled Santa Claus in
-two while our sporting instincts were aroused by the tug-of-war. That was
-one reason I was glad Miss Seiler screamed. The other reason was that it
-showed she was doing her share of representing one half of a pair of
-lovers. She had done rather poorly up to that time, but she saw that when
-her lover was about to be pulled asunder was the time to scream, if she
-was ever going to scream, so she screamed. So we all went upstairs and let
-the rope down to Santa Claus, and the entire merry Christmas house party
-pulled, and after we had jerked a few times up came Santa Claus with a
-sudden bump.
-</p>
-<p>
-At that moment Miss Seiler screamed again, and when we turned we saw the
-reason, for the glass door to the little upper porch had opened and Jimmy
-Dunn was entering the room.
-</p>
-<p>
-We laid Santa Claus on the floor and let him kick, for he seemed to have
-acquired the habit, but after awhile he slowed down and only jerked his
-legs spasmodically. Mr. Millington explained that it was only the reflex
-action of the muscles, and that probably Santa Claus would kick like that
-for several months, whenever he lay down. He said if we had followed his
-advice and pulled downward we would have yanked all the reflex action out
-of the legs.
-</p>
-<p>
-As soon as I pulled the mask from his face I recognized Mr. Prawley. Jimmy
-slipped out of the room and walked all the way to the station, and Miss
-Seiler stood around, not knowing whether she was to be half of a pair of
-lovers with Mr. Prawley as the other half, or stop being a lover, or weep
-because Jimmy had gone. I felt sorry for her, because Mr. Prawley was not
-a good specimen of a Christmas lover just then. When we stood him on his
-feet his trousers were still pushed up around his knees, and his fur coat
-was around his neck. He was so weak we had to hold him up.
-</p>
-<p>
-“What I want to know,” said Mr. Millington, “is what you were doing in
-that chimney in my automobile coat?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Doing?” said Mr. Prawley. “Why, I'm jolly old Santa Claus. I come down
-chimneys.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Well, my advice to you, Mr. Prawley,” I said, “is to stop it. You don't
-do it at all right. Don't try it again. I've had enough of this jolly old
-Santa Claus business. Who told you to do it?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“The little gentleman with the scared look,” said Mr. Prawley, looking
-around for Jimmy Dunn. “He isn't here.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“And what did he give you for doing it?” I asked.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Nothing!” said Mr. Prawley. “He just—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Just what?” I asked when he hesitated. Mr. Prawley drew me to one side
-and whispered.
-</p>
-<p>
-“He said I might wear an automobile coat. And I couldn't resist the
-temptation,” said Mr. Prawley. “I've been hankering to get inside an
-automobile coat for weeks and weeks, sir. I couldn't resist.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Of course, I could make nothing of this at the time, so I merely said a
-few words of good advice, and ordered Mr. Prawley never to try the Santa
-Claus impersonation again.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Of course, I'm only an amateur at it,” said Mr. Prawley apologetically,
-and then he brightened, “but I made good speed as far as I got. I'll bet I
-broke the world's speed record for jolly old Santa Clauses!”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-VI. THE SPECKLED HEN
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>N order to relieve the reader's suspense, I may as well say here that
-Jimmy Dunn did not marry Miss Seiler. It is too bad to have to sacrifice
-what promised to be a first-class love interest, but the truth is that
-there is less chance of Jimmy ever marrying Miss Seiler than there seemed
-likelihood of Isobel and me reaching Port Lafayette in Mr. Millington's
-automobile.
-</p>
-<p>
-Usually when we started for Port Lafayette, my wife and Millington's wife
-would dress for the matinée or church, or wherever they intended going
-that day, and when Millington heard the knocking sound in his engine and
-began to get out his tools, they would excuse themselves politely and go
-and spend the day in the city. They usually returned in time to get into
-the car and ride back to the garage. But I stuck to Millington. You never
-can tell when a car of that kind will be ready to start up, and I was
-really very anxious to go to Port Lafayette. I spent some very delightful
-days with Millington that way, for when he was mending his car he was
-always in a charming humour, and as gay and playful as a kitten.
-</p>
-<p>
-I began to fear that one, if not the only, reason why Mr. Millington was
-always in such a good humour when his car was in a bad one, was because I
-had told him that I had heard of a man in Port Lafayette who had a fine
-farm of White Wyandotte chickens, and that I thought I might buy some for
-my place. Millington does not believe in Wyandottes. He is all for
-Orpingtons.
-</p>
-<p>
-It is remarkable how many wives object to chickens. I do not blame Isobel
-for not liking chickens, for she was born in a flat, and I am willing to
-make allowances for her lack of education; but why Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs.
-Millington should dislike chickens was beyond my comprehension. Both were
-born in the suburbs, and grew up in a real chickenish atmosphere, and
-still they do not keep chickens. I must say, however, that Mr. Rolfs and
-Mr. Millington are persons of greater intelligence. Almost the first day I
-moved into the suburb of Westcote, Mr. Rolfs leaned over the division
-fence and complimented me on my foresight in purchasing such an admirable
-place on which to raise chickens. He told me that if I needed any advice
-about chickens he would be glad to supply me with all I wished, just as a
-neighbourly matter. He seemed to take it as a matter of course that I
-would arrange for a lot of chickens as soon as I was fairly settled on the
-place, and in this he was seconded by Mr. Millington.
-</p>
-<p>
-When Mr. Millington saw Mr. Rolfs talking to me, he came right over and
-said that, while he hated to boast, he had studied chickens from A to
-Gizzard, and that when I was ready to get my chickens he could give me
-some suggestions that would be simply invaluable. We talked the chicken
-matter over very thoroughly, and I soon saw that they were men of
-knowledge and deep experience in chicken matters, and when they had
-decided that I would keep chickens, and what kind of chickens, and where I
-should build the coop, and what kind of coop I should build, we all shook
-hands warmly, and I went around front to tell Isobel. I was very
-enthusiastic about chickens when I went.
-</p>
-<p>
-After I had interviewed Isobel for three minutes I learned, definitely,
-that I was not going to keep chickens. There were a great many things Mr.
-Rolfs and Mr. Millington had not said about chickens, and those were the
-very things Isobel told me, and they were all reasons for not having
-chickens on the place at all. She also threw in an opinion of Mr. Rolfs
-and Mr. Millington. It seemed that they were two villains of the most
-depraved sort, who did not dare keep chickens themselves because they were
-afraid of their wives, and who were trying to steal a vicarious joy by
-bossing my chickens when I got them, but that I was not going to get any.
-Absolutely!
-</p>
-<p>
-Of course, I always do what Isobel tells me, and when she told me I was
-not going to have chickens, I obeyed. But I merely told Mr. Rolfs and Mr.
-Millington when they came over the next day, that I had been thinking the
-matter over and that I was doubtful whether the south corner or the north
-corner would be the best place for the coop. So we three went and looked
-over the ground again. Both favoured the north corner, so I hung back and
-seemed undecided and doubtful, and finally, in a week or two, they agreed
-with me.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/123.png" alt="123" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-I never saw two men so anxious to have a neighbour keep chickens. They
-were willing to let me have almost everything my own way. It was quite a
-strain on me, for I had to think of a new objection to their plans every
-day or so, but I could see the suspense was harder on Mr. Rolfs and Mr.
-Millington. Every morning they came and hung over my fence wistfully, and
-every evening they came over and talked chickens, and on the train to town
-they spoke freely of the chickens they were going to keep. In a month they
-were talking of the chickens they <i>were</i> keeping, and bragging about
-them; and old-seasoned chicken raisers used to hunt them up and sit with
-them and ask for information on knotty points.
-</p>
-<p>
-Toward fall Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington were beginning to talk about the
-large sums of money they were making out of their chickens, and promising
-settings of their White Orpington and White Wyandotte eggs to the
-commuters, and they began to be really annoying. They would stand at the
-fence, hollow-eyed and hungry-looking, staring into my yard, and when I
-passed they would make slighting remarks about me and the lack of decision
-in my character. They said sneeringly that they did not believe I would
-ever get any chickens.
-</p>
-<p>
-“You, Millington, and you, Rolfs,” I said firmly, “should remember one
-thing: I am the man who is getting these chickens, and the main thing in
-raising chickens is to start right. I do not want to go into this thing
-hastily and then regret it all my life. If you do not like my way, all you
-have to do is to build coops yourselves and buy chickens and raise them
-yourselves. Be patient. Every day I am learning more about chickens from
-your conversations on the train, and when I do get my chickens you will
-find I have profited by your suggestions.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Millington and Rolfs had to be satisfied with that, so far as I was
-concerned, for although I spoke to Isobel frequently on the subject of
-chickens she had not changed. I silenced Millington by telling him I would
-have chickens long before he ever succeeded in taking Isobel and me to
-Port Lafayette in his automobile.
-</p>
-<p>
-“If that is all you are waiting for,” he said, “we will start to-morrow,”
- and so we did; but that was all.
-</p>
-<p>
-Millington and Rolfs, during the winter, worked off some of their surplus
-chicken energy writing letters to the poultry periodicals. My friends in
-town began asking me why I did not keep chickens when I lived near to such
-chicken experts as Rolfs and Millington, by whose experience I could
-profit; but the worst came one day on the train when Rolfs actually had
-the assurance to offer me a setting of his White Wyandotte eggs. I blame
-Rolfs and Millington for acting in this way. No man should brag about
-chickens he has not; I only bragged about those I meant to get.
-</p>
-<p>
-By the time spring put forth her tender leaves, Rolfs and Millington were
-so deep in their imaginary chicken business that they talked nothing else,
-and all their spare time was spent in my yard, urging me to hurry a little
-and get the chickens.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I wish you would hurry a bit in getting those chickens of mine,”
- Millington would say; “I ought to have at least ten hens sitting by this
-time.” And then Rolfs would say: “He is right about that. Unless you get
-my White Wyandottes soon, the chicks will not be hatched out before cold
-weather. I ought to have the hens on the eggs now.” Occasionally I
-mentioned chickens in an off-hand way to Isobel, but she had not changed
-her views.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Now, Isobel,” I would say, “about chickens—”
- </p>
-<p>
-At the word “chickens” Isobel would look at me reproachfully, and I would
-end meekly: “About chickens, as I was saying. Don't you think we could
-have a pair of broilers to-morrow?”
- </p>
-<p>
-As a matter of fact, this happened so often that I began to hate the sight
-of a broiled chicken, and was forced to mention roast chicken once in a
-while. It was after one of these times that the event happened that
-stirred all Westcote.
-</p>
-<p>
-I had reached a point where I dodged Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington when I
-saw them, in order to avoid their insistent clamour for chickens, when one
-evening Isobel met me at the door with a smile.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John!” she cried. “What do you think! Our chicken laid an egg!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Chicken?” I asked anxiously. “Did you say chicken?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“And I am going to give you the egg for dinner,” cried Isobel joyfully.
-“Just think, John! Our own egg, laid by our own chicken! Do you want it
-fried, or boiled, or scrambled?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I demanded, “what is the meaning of all this?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I just could not kill the hen,” Isobel ran on, “after it had been so—so
-friendly. Could I? I felt as if I would be killing one of the family.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“People do get to feeling that way about chickens when they keep them,” I
-said insinuatingly. “Why, Isobel, I have known wives to love chickens so
-warmly—wives that had never cared a snap for chickens before—wives
-that hated chickens—and they grew to love chickens so well that as
-soon as the coop was made—of course it was a nice, clean, airy coop,
-Isobel—and the dear little fluffy chicks began to peep about—”
- </p>
-<p>
-Isobel stiffened.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” she said finally “you are not going to keep chickens!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Certainly not!” I agreed hastily.
-</p>
-<p>
-“But of course we can't kill Spotty,” said Isobel. “I call her Spotty
-because that seems such a perfect name for her. I telephoned for a roaster
-this morning, because you suggested having a roaster for dinner, John, and
-when the roaster came it was a <i>live</i> chicken! Imagine!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Horrors!” I exclaimed.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I should think so!” agreed Isobel. “So there was nothing to do but 'phone
-the grocer to come and get the live roaster, but when I 'phoned, his
-grandmother was much worse, and the store was closed until she got better—or
-worse—and I couldn't bear to see the poor thing in the basket with
-its legs tied all that time, for there is no telling how long an old
-person like a grandmother will remain in the same condition, so I loosened
-the roaster in the cellar, and at a quarter past four I heard it cluck. It
-had laid an egg. I knew that the moment I heard it cluck.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, “you were born to be the wife of a chicken fancier! You
-shall eat that egg!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“No, John,” she said, “you shall eat it. It is our first real egg, laid by
-our dear little Spotty, and you shall eat it.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“No, Isobel,” I began, and then, as I saw how determined she was, I
-compromised. “Let us have the egg scrambled,” I said, “and each of us eat
-a part.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Very well,” said Isobel, “if you will promise not to kill Spotty. We will
-keep her forever and forever!”
- </p>
-<p>
-I agreed. Isobel kissed me for that.
-</p>
-<p>
-After we had eaten the egg—and both Isobel and I agreed that it was
-really a superior egg—we went down cellar and looked at Spotty. I
-should say she was a very intelligent-looking hen, but homely. There was
-nothing flashy about her. She was the kind of hen a man might enter in the
-Sweepstakes class, and not get a prize, and then enter in the Consolation
-class and not get a prize, and then enter for the Booby prize and still be
-outclassed, and then enter in the Plain Old Barnyard Fowl class and not
-get within ten miles of a prize, and then be taken to the butcher as a
-Boarding House Broiler, and be refused on account of age, tough looks, and
-emaciation.
-</p>
-<p>
-She was no pampered darling of the hen house, but a plain old
-Survival-of-the-Fittest Squawker; the kind of hen that along about the
-first of May begins clucking in a vexed tone of voice, flies over the top
-of a two-story bam, and wanders off somewhere into the tall grass back of
-the cow pasture, to appear some weeks later with twelve chicks of twelve
-assorted patterns, ranging from Shanghai-bantam to plain yellow
-nondescript. She was a good, durable hen of the old school, with a wary,
-startled eye, an extra loud squawk, and a brain the size of a grain of
-salt.
-</p>
-<p>
-Spotty was the sort of hen that could go right along day after day without
-steam heat or elevators in her coop and manage to make a living. As soon
-as I saw her, my heart swelled with pride, for I knew I had secured a very
-rare variety of hen. Since every man that can tell a chicken from an
-ostrich—and some that can't—has become a chicken fancier, the
-aristocratic, raised-by-hand, pedigree fowl has become as common as dirt,
-and it is indeed difficult to secure a genuine mongrel hen. I was elated.
-As nearly as I could judge by first appearances, I was the owner of one of
-the most mongrel hens that ever laid a plain, omelette-quality egg.
-</p>
-<p>
-When I had made a coop by nailing a few slats across the front of a soap
-box, and had nailed Spotty in, I took the coop under my arm and went into
-the back yard. Mr. Millington was there, and Mr. Rolfs was there, and they
-were arguing angrily about the respective merits of White Wyandottes and
-White Orpingtons, but when they saw me they uttered two loud cries of joy
-and ran to meet me. I tried to cling to the coop, but they wrested it from
-me and together carried it in triumph to the north corner and set it on
-the grass. Mr. Millington pulled his compass from his pocket and set the
-coop exactly as advised by “The Complete Poultry Guide,” with the bars
-facing the morning sun, and Rolfs hurried into the back lot and hunted up
-a piece of bone, which he crushed with a brick and placed in the coop, as
-advised by “The Gentleman Poultry Fancier.” He told us that a supply of
-bone was most necessary if he expected his hen to lay eggs, and that he
-knew this hen of his was going to be a great layer. He said he had given
-the egg question years of study, and that he could tell a good egger when
-he saw one.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/135.png" alt="135" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-Millington told me his coop was not as he had meant it to be, but said it
-would do until he could get one built according to scientific poultry
-principles. He pointed out that the poultry coop should be heated by
-steam, and showed me that there was no room in the soap box for a steam
-heating plant. He said he would not trust his flock of chickens through
-the winter unless there was steam heating installed.
-</p>
-<p>
-Then Rolfs and Millington said they guessed the first thing to do, as it
-was so late in the season, was to set their hen immediately, and as it
-would probably take Spotty thirteen days to lay enough eggs, they told me
-to run down to the delicatessen store and buy thirteen eggs, while they
-arranged a scientific nest in the corner of their coop, for sitting
-purposes. When I suggested that perhaps Spotty was not ready to set, they
-laughed at me. They said they could see I would never make a prosperous
-chicken farmer if I put off until to-morrow what the hen ought to do
-to-day, and that a hen that ought to set, and would not set, must be made
-to set. Millington said that he did not mind if Spotty wanted to lay. If
-she felt so, she could go ahead and lay while she was taking her little
-rests between sets. He said that in that way she would be doubly useful
-and that, judging by appearances, she was the kind of hen that could do
-two or three things at the same time.
-</p>
-<p>
-Mr. Prawley, when he saw we were going to keep our hen, came out and spoke
-to Mr. Millington, Mr. Rolfs, and me. He said he had an aversion to hens,
-but that if I insisted he would devote some of his time to the hen, but
-Mr. Millington, Mr. Rolfs, and I assured him we would not need his help.
-We felt that the three of us, with occasional aid from Isobel, could
-manage that hen.
-</p>
-<p>
-The next day Mr. Millington and Mr. Rolfs were so swelled with pride that
-they would not speak to me on the train. Millington did not ask me, that
-entire day, to take a little run up to Port Lafayette in his automobile. I
-heard him tell one man on the train to town that he had just set his
-eighteen prize White Orpingtons, and I heard Rolfs tell another man, at
-the same time, about a coop he had just had made for his White Wyandottes.
-He drew a sketch of it on the back of an envelope, showing the location of
-the heating plant, the location of the gasoline brooders, and the battery
-of eight electric incubators. He said he saw but one mistake he had made,
-which was that he had had a gravel roof put on. It should have been slate.
-He was afraid the hens would fly up onto the roof and eat the gravel for
-digestive purposes, and if a lot of tarry gravel got in their craws and
-stuck together in a lump, his hens would suffer from indigestion. But he
-said he meant to have the gravel roof taken off at once, regardless of
-cost, but he had not quite decided on a slate roof. One of the slates
-might become loosened and fall and kill one of his prize White Wyandottes,
-which he held at seventy-five dollars each. If he could avoid the tar
-trouble, Rolfs said, he ought to have twelve hundred laying hens by the
-end of the summer, besides the broilers he would sell. He said he was
-going straight to a distinguished chemist when he reached town to learn if
-there was any dissolvent that would dissolve tar in a chicken's craw,
-without harming the craw.
-</p>
-<p>
-Then Millington drew a sketch of the automatic heat regulator he was
-having made to attach to his heating apparatus. He said that ever since he
-had been keeping poultry he had made a study of coop heating, and that the
-trouble with most coops was that they were either too hot or too cold. He
-said a cold coop meant that the chickens got chilly and exhausted their
-vitality growing thick feathers when all their strength should have been
-used in egg-laying, and that a hot coop meant that the chickens felt lax
-and indolent. A hot coop enervated a chicken and made it too lazy to lay
-eggs, Millington said, but this regulator he was having made would keep
-the heat at an even temperature, summer and winter, and render the hens
-bright and cheerful and inclined to do their best. Millington explained
-that this was especially necessary with White Orpingtons, which are great
-eaters and consequently more inclined toward nervous dyspepsia, which
-makes a hen moody. He was going on in this way, and every one was hanging
-on his words, when he happened to say that one thing he always attended to
-most particularly was the state of his hens' teeth. He said he had, so
-far, avoided dyspepsia in his hens, by keeping their teeth in good
-condition. Every one knew poor teeth caused stomach troubles.
-</p>
-<p>
-That was the end of Millington. Rolfs had been green with jealousy because
-so many commuters were listening to Millington, and the moment Millington
-mentioned teeth Rolfs sneered.
-</p>
-<p>
-“How many teeth do White Orpingtons have, Millington?” he asked.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I did not know they had any.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Then Millington saw his mistake, and did his best to explain that as a
-rule chickens had no teeth, but that he had, by a process of selection,
-created a strain that had eighteen teeth, nine above and nine below, but
-no one believed him, and Rolfs was crowing over him when he made his
-mistake. He was bragging that he never made a mistake of that kind,
-because he knew hens never got indigestion in any such way. All that was
-necessary he said, was to let them have plenty of exercise, and to let
-them out once in a while for a good fly. He said he let his hens out once
-every three days, so they could fly from tree to tree.
-</p>
-<p>
-Then Millington asked, sneeringly, how high his hens could fly, and Rolfs
-said they were in such good condition they thought nothing of flying to
-the top of a forty-foot elm tree, and Millington sneered and said any one
-could guess what kind of White Wyandottes Rolfs had, when a common White
-Wyandotte is so heavy it cannot fly over a rake handle. That was the end
-of Rolfs, and I was glad of it, for the two of them had been getting
-enough reputation on the strength of my chickens. They sneaked out of the
-smoking car, and at last I had a chance to say a few words, modestly of
-course, about my splendid group of six hundred Buff Leghorns. I did not
-brag, as Millington and Rolfs had bragged, but stated facts coldly and
-calmly, and my words met the attention they deserved, for I was not
-speaking without knowledge, as Millington and Rolfs had spoken, but as a
-man who owns a hen can speak.
-</p>
-<p>
-I reached home that evening in a pleasant state of mind, for I knew how
-kind hearted Isobel is, and I knew she would see, if I placed it before
-her, that it was extremely cruel to keep a hen in solitary confinement,
-when the hen had probably been accustomed to a great deal of society. I
-felt sure that in a few days Isobel would order me to purchase enough more
-poultry to allow Spotty to lead a pleasant and sociable life. But when
-Isobel met me at the gate she disheartened me.
-</p>
-<p>
-She said the grocer's grandmother had not been seriously ill, after all;
-she had been in a mere comatose condition, and had come to, and the grocer
-had come back, and he had called and taken Spotty. He offered to kill her—Spotty,
-not Isobel or his grandmother—but Isobel could not bear to eat
-Spotty so soon after she had been a member of our family, so the grocer
-took Spotty away and sent up another roaster. At least he said it was
-another, but after I had carved it I had my doubts. In general strength
-and durability the roaster and Spotty were one.
-</p>
-<p>
-The next morning, when I went out to see if Mr. Prawley had hoed the
-garden properly, I found Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington leaning over my
-fence. They were unabashed.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I have just been looking over your place,” said Rolfs, “and I must say it
-is a most admirably located place on which to keep a cow. And if you want
-any suggestions on cow-keeping, you may call on me at any time. I have
-studied the cow, in all her moods and tenses, for years.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Nonsense!” said Millington. “A man is foolish to try to keep live stock.
-Live stock is subject to all the ills—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Such as toothache!” sneered Rolfs.
-</p>
-<p>
-“All the ills of man and beast,” continued Millington. “What you want is
-an automobile. Now I will sell mine—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“No!” I said positively.
-</p>
-<p>
-“You only say that because you do not know my automobile as I know it,”
- said Millington. “It is a wonder, that machine is. Now, I propose that
-to-morrow you and your wife take a little run up to Port Lafayette with me
-and my wife. After the cares of chicken raising—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Very well, Millington,” I said, “we will go to Port Lafayette!”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-VII. CHESTERFIELD WHITING
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE next morning Millington came over bright and early, and his face was
-aglow with joy.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Get ready as quickly as you can,” he said, “for I will be ready to start
-for Port Lafayette in a few minutes. The automobile is in perfect order,
-and we should have a splendid trip. She isn't knocking at all.” This
-knocking, which was located in the motor-case, or hood, was one of the
-most reliable noises of all those for which Millington listened when he
-started the engine of his automobile. He was very fond of it, and it was
-one of the heartiest knockings I ever heard in an automobile. It was like
-the hiccoughs, only more strenuous. It was as if a giant had been shut in
-the motor by mistake and was trying to knock the whole affair to pieces.
-The knock came about every eight seconds, lightly at first, getting
-stronger and stronger until it made the fore-end of the automobile bounce
-up a foot or eighteen inches at each knock.
-</p>
-<p>
-Millington loved all the sounds of trouble, but this knocking gave him the
-most pleasure and put him in his pleasantest mood, for he could never
-quite discover the cause of it. When everything else was in perfect order
-the knock remained. He would do everything any man could think of to cure
-it, but the machine would continue to knock. I remember he even went so
-far as to put a new inner tube in a tire once, to see if that would have
-any effect, but it did not. But there were plenty of other noises, too.
-Millington once told me he had classified and scheduled four hundred and
-eighteen separate noises of disorder that he had heard in that one
-automobile, and that did not include any that might be another noise for
-the same disorders. And some days he would hear the whole four hundred and
-eighteen before we had gone a block. Those were his happy days.
-</p>
-<p>
-But this morning Millington came over bright and early. Isobel was just
-putting a cake in the oven, and she only took time to tell Jane, or
-Sophie, or whoever happened to be our maid that week, that she would be
-back in time to take the cake out, and then we went over to Millington's
-garage.
-</p>
-<p>
-Mrs. Millington, was already in the automobile, and Isobel and I got in,
-and Millington opened the throttle and the machine ran down the road to
-the street as lightly and skimmingly as a swallow. It glided into the
-street noiselessly and headed for Port Lafayette like a thing alive. I
-noticed that Millington looked anxious, but I thought nothing of it at the
-time. His brow was drawn into a frown, and from moment to moment he pulled
-his cap farther and farther down over his eyes. He leaned far over the
-side of the car. He listened so closely that his ears twitched.
-</p>
-<p>
-Mrs. Millington and Isobel were chatting merrily on the rear seat, and I
-was just turning to cast them a word, when the car came to a stop. I
-turned to Milllington instantly, ready to catch the pleasant bit of humour
-he usually let fall when he began to dig out his wrenches and pliers, but
-his face wore a glare of anger. His jaws were set, and he was muttering
-low, intense curses. I have seldom seen a man more demoniacal than
-Millington was at that moment. I asked him, merrily, what was the matter
-with the old junk shop this time, but instead of his usual chipper
-repartee, that “the old tea kettle has the epizootic,” he gave me one
-ferocious glance in which murder was plainly to be seen.
-</p>
-<p>
-Without a word he began walking around the automobile, eyeing it
-maliciously, and every time he passed a tire he kicked it as hard as he
-could. Then he began opening all the opening parts, and when he had opened
-them all and had peered into them long and angrily he went over to the
-curb and sat down and swore. Isobel and Mrs. Millington politely stuffed
-their handkerchiefs in their ears, but I went over to Millington and spoke
-to him as man to man.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Millington,” I said severely, “calm down! I am surprised. Time and again
-I have started for Port Lafayette with you, and time and again we have
-paused all day while you repaired the automobile. Much as I have wished to
-go to Port Lafayette I have never complained, because you have always been
-better company while repairing the machine than at any other time. But
-this I cannot stand. If you continue to act this way I shall never again
-go toward Port Lafayette with you. Brace up, and repair the machine.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Millington's only answer was a curse.
-</p>
-<p>
-I was about to take him by the throat and teach him a little better
-manners when he arose and walked over to the machine again. He got in and
-started the motor, and listened intently while I ran alongside. Then, with
-a great effort he controlled his feelings and spoke.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Ladies,” he said between his teeth, “we shall have to postpone going to
-Port Lafayette. I am afraid to drive this car any farther. There is
-something very, very serious the matter with it.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Then, when the women had disappeared, my wife walking rapidly so as to
-arrive at home before her cake was scorched, Millington turned to me.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” he said with emotion, “you must excuse the feeling I showed. I was
-upset; I admit that I was overcome. I have owned this car four years, but
-in all that time, although I have started for Port Lafayette nearly every
-day, the car has never behaved as it has just behaved. I am a brave man,
-John, and I have never been afraid of a motor-car before, but when my car
-acts as this car has just acted, I <i>am</i> afraid!”
- </p>
-<p>
-I could see he was speaking the truth. His face was white about the mouth,
-and the tense lines showed he was nerving himself to do his duty. His
-voice trembled with the intensity of his self-control.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” he said, taking my hand, “were you listening to the car?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“No,” I had to admit. “No, Millington, I was not. I am ashamed to say it,
-but at the moment my mind was elsewhere. But,” I added, as if in self
-defence, “I am pretty sure I did not hear that knocking. I remember quite
-distinctly that I was not holding on to anything, and when the engine
-knocks—But what did you hear?”
- </p>
-<p>
-A shiver of involuntary fear passed over Millington, and he lowered his
-voice to a frightened whisper. He glanced fearfully at the automobile.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Nothing!” he said.
-</p>
-<p>
-“What?” I cried. I could not hide my astonishment and, I am afraid, my
-disbelief. I would not, for the world, have had Millington think I thought
-he was prevaricating.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Not a thing!” he repeated firmly. “Not a sound; not one bad symptom.
-Every—everything was running just as it should—just as they do
-in other automobiles.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Millington!” I said reproachfully.
-</p>
-<p>
-“It is the truth!” he declared. “I swear it is the truth. Nothing seemed
-broken or about to break. I could not hear a sound of distress, or a
-symptom of disorder. Do you wonder I was overcome?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Millington,” I said seriously, “this is no light matter. I shall not
-accuse you of wilfully lying to me, but I know your automobile, and I
-cannot believe your automobile could proceed four hundred feet without
-making noises of internal disorder. It is evident to me that your hearing
-is growing weak; you may be threatened with deafness.” At this Millington
-seemed to cheer up considerably, for deafness was something he could
-understand. I proposed that we both get into the automobile again, and I,
-too, would listen. So we did. It was almost pathetic, it was most
-pathetic, to see the way Millington looked up into my face to see what
-verdict I would give when he started the motor.
-</p>
-<p>
-My verdict was the very worst possible. We ran a block at low speed and I
-could hear no trouble. We ran a block at second speed, and no distressful
-noise did I hear. We ran two blocks at high speed, with no noise but the
-soft purring of motors and machinery. As Millington brought the automobile
-to a stop we looked at each other aghast. It was true, too true, <i>nothing
-was the matter with the automobile!</i> It sparked, it ignited, it did
-everything a perfect automobile should do, just as a perfect automobile
-should do it. We got out and stared at the automobile silently.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” said Millington at length, “you can easily see that I would not
-dare to start on a long trip like that to Port Lafayette when my
-automobile is acting in this unaccountable manner. It would be the most
-foolhardy recklessness. When this machine is running in an absolutely
-perfect manner, almost anything may be the matter with it. My own opinion
-is that a spell has been cast over it, and that it is bewitched.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I never knew it to come as far as this without stopping,” I said, “and to
-come this far without a single annoying noise makes me sure we should not
-attempt Port Lafayette to-day in this car. I shall take a little jaunt
-into the country behind my horse, and—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“But don't go to Port Lafayette,” pleaded Millington. “Perhaps the
-automobile will be worse to-morrow. If she only develops some of the
-noises I am familiar with I shall not be afraid of her.”
- </p>
-<p>
-One of the pleasures of being a suburbanite is that you can have a horse,
-and one of the pleasures of having a horse is that you keep off the main
-roads when you go driving, lest the automobiles get you and your horse
-into an awful mess. In driving up cross roads and down back roads you
-often run across things you would like to own—things the
-automobilist never sees—and Isobel and I had heard of a genuine
-Windsor chair of ancient lineage. I imagine the chair may have been almost
-as old as our horse. When Mr. Millington told me we could not go to Port
-Lafayette in his automobile that day, I hurried home and had Mr. Prawley
-harness Bob, and it was that day, when we were hunting the Windsor chair,
-that we ran across Chesterfield Whiting. Since Isobel had begun to like
-suburban life, she liked it as only a convert could, and the moment she
-saw Chesterfield Whiting she declared we must, by all means, keep a pig,
-and that Chesterfield Whiting was the pig we must keep.
-</p>
-<p>
-Personally I was not much in favour of keeping a pig. I like things that
-pay dividends more frequently. I would not give much for a vegetable
-garden that had to be planted in the spring, worked all summer, tended all
-fall, and that only yielded its product in the winter. I prefer a garden
-that gives a vegetable once in awhile. Mine does that—it gives a
-vegetable every once in awhile. But a pig is a slow dividend payer.
-</p>
-<p>
-I had noticed that Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington had never urged me to get
-a pig. Whenever I mentioned pig they mentioned various deadly and popular
-pig diseases. They had urged me to garden, and to keep chickens, and a
-horse, and a cow, and even an automobile—Millington urged me to keep
-his—but never a pig! I would not hint that Rolfs and Millington were
-selfish, or that they hoped to receive, now and then, milk from my cow,
-eggs from my chickens, or radishes from my garden, but a neighbour may
-profit in that way. On the other hand, the neighbour never profits from
-the suburban pig. I believe now, however, that Rolfs and Millington wished
-me to have things that would pay as they went.
-</p>
-<p>
-But the moment Isobel saw the pig she said we must have him, because he
-was so cute. I had never thought of buying a pig because it was cute any
-more than I would have thought of buying a spring bonnet because it would
-fatten well for winter killing, but I yielded to Isobel.
-</p>
-<p>
-Isobel said the idea of a pig being a nuisance was all nonsense, for she
-had been reading a magazine that was largely devoted to pigs and similar
-objects loved by country gentlemen, and that modern science proved beyond
-a doubt that the cleaner the pig the happier it was. She said a pig could
-not be too clean, and that if a pig was kept perfectly tidy no one could
-object to it.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” she said, “there is no reason in the world why a pig should not be
-as clean as a new pin. The magazine says that if a pig is usually of a
-coarse, disgruntled nature, it is only because it is kept in coarse,
-brutalizing surroundings, and treated like a pig. If a pig is put amidst
-sweetness and light, the pig's nature will be sweet and light, and the pig
-will be sweet and light.”
- </p>
-<p>
-I suggested gently that a pig, all things considered, was usually counted
-a failure if it was a light pig, and that experts had decided in favour of
-the pig that became heavy and soggy.
-</p>
-<p>
-“What I mean,” said Isobel, “is light in spirit, not light in weight.”
- </p>
-<p>
-We were looking over the fence of a farm when we held this little
-conversation, and Chesterfield Whiting was sporting on the clean, green
-clover, amidst his brothers, quite unconscious that he was so soon to be
-separated from them and lose their companionship. We had been attracted to
-him by a very hand-made sign that announced “Pigs for Sale.” Chesterfield
-was an extremely clean pig, and I must admit that I was rather taken by
-his looks myself, and when we drove around to the farm house I was
-surprised to learn how inexpensive a pig of tender years is, and I bought
-the pig. It is hard for me to deny Isobel these little pleasures.
-</p>
-<p>
-On our way home Isobel and I talked of the future of Chesterfield, and we
-resolved that his life should be one grand, sweet song, as the poet says,
-and we had hardly started homeward than it appeared as if Chesterfield
-meant to attend to the song feature of his life himself. I never imagined
-a pig would feel his separation from his native place so keenly. He began
-to mourn in a keen treble key the moment the farmer grabbed him, uttering
-long, sharp wails of sorrow, and he kept it up. Automobiles with siren
-horns stopped in the road as we passed, and the chauffeurs took off their
-goggles and stared at us. It was very hard for Isobel to sit up straight
-in the carriage and look dignified and cool with Chesterfield wailing out
-his little soul sorrows under the seat.
-</p>
-<p>
-As we neared the outskirts of Westcote, I began to keep an eye out for pig
-houses. It seemed to me that in these days of uplift the pig keepers of a
-suburb such as ours, peopled by intelligent men and women, would have the
-most modern improvements in pig dwellings, and I desired to make a few
-mental notes of them as I passed by. If I saw a very modern pig palace I
-meant to get out of the carriage and examine minutely the conveniences
-installed for the pig's comfort, so that I might reproduce them.
-</p>
-<p>
-Isobel had mentioned casually that a pig dwelling with tile floors and
-walls and a shower bath would be quite sanitary, provided the tiles of the
-wall met the tiles of the floor in a concave curve, leaving no sharp
-angles; but as we journeyed into the village we saw no pig houses of this
-kind. In fact we saw no pig houses of any kind. At first this only annoyed
-me, then it surprised me, and by the time we were well into the village it
-worried me.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, “I don't like this absence of pigs in this village. I am
-afraid there is something wrong here. I don't know what to make of it. It
-may be that hog-cholera is epidemic here the year 'round, just as San José
-scale kills all the apple trees. Have you seen a single pig?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Not one,” she admitted. “It looks as if there was a law against pigs.”
- </p>
-<p>
-I stopped Bob, and looked at Isobel in amazement.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel!” I exclaimed. “You must be right! There must be a law against
-pigs! I do wish Chesterfield would stop yelling!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“John,” said Isobel, “now that I come to think of it I do not believe I
-ever saw a pig in all Westcote. I wonder if we couldn't gag Chesterfield
-some way? If he howls like that every one will know we have a pig.”
- </p>
-<p>
-I gagged the pig. I took Isobel's pink veil and wrapped it firmly around
-Chesterfield's nose, and brought the ends around his neck and tied them.
-Then I stuck his head into the sleeve of my rain coat and wrapped him in
-the coat, and tied it all in the linen dust robe. He was well gagged.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, as I took up the reins again, “this is a serious matter.
-We will have to get rid of this pig, and we will have to do it quickly. I
-do not want to get into difficulties with the City of New York. Keeping a
-pig in the suburbs is evidently a crime, and it is a difficult crime to
-conceal. If I committed a murder and used ordinary precautions there might
-be no danger of detection, but a pig speaks for itself.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Chesterfield does,” said Isobel. “Do you suppose they will put you in
-jail?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“<i>Me</i> in jail?” I ejaculated. “He is your pig, Isobel.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“John,” she said generously, “I give Chesterfield to you.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, “I cannot accept the sacrifice. He is your pig.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Well,” she said, “we will go to prison together.”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-VIII. SALTED ALMONDS
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>S we approached our house, Mr. Millington, who was in his garage, and Mr.
-Rolfs, who was on his porch, came to meet us. They looked at the carriage
-with suspicion, but I assumed a careless, innocent look, well calculated
-to deceive them. They came down to the carriage, and laid their hands on
-it, and glanced into it. Mr. Rolfs, with ill-assumed absent-mindedness,
-lifted the leather cover of the rear of the carriage box and glanced in. I
-was glad we had put Chesterfield Whiting under the seat.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Shall I take in the—” Isobel began, but I cut her words short.
-</p>
-<p>
-“No, I will take in your <i>wraps</i>,” I said meaningly, and then added:
-“Well, good night, Millington; good night, Rolfs.”
- </p>
-<p>
-They did not take the hint. They walked beside the carriage as I drove to
-the stable, and although Mr. Prawley was able to do the work alone, and I
-made some excuse to help him, Rolfs and Millington seemed eager to help
-us.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I worked two hours over my automobile,” said Millington, “and she is
-knocking again as usual. To-morrow, I propose you and I and our wives will
-take a little pig up to Port Lafayette—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Pig?” I said. “What do you mean by pig, Millington.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Did I say pig?” said Millington in great confusion. “I meant to say:
-'take a little spin.'”
- </p>
-<p>
-“John will think you think he is thinking of keeping a pig,” said Rolfs
-accusingly to Millington. “He will think you are doubting his sanity. John
-would no more keep a pig on this place—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Certainly not!” I cried. “The idea! Keep a pig!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Well, you know,” said Millington, and then stopped. “What is that
-squeak?” he asked.
-</p>
-<p>
-I knew only too well what that squeak was. It was Chesterfield.
-</p>
-<p>
-“That?” I said carelessly. “Oh, that is nothing. My carriage springs need
-oiling. Mr. Prawley, don't forget to oil the carriage springs to-morrow.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Yes, sir,” said Mr. Prawley, “but if I might suggest feeding the—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Ahem!” I said loudly. “Oil the springs, Prawley. To-morrow.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“When I said 'take a little pig,'” said Millington, “I meant—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Millington,” I said, “I forgive you! Men will make mistakes—slip of
-the tongue—Well, good night!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“See here,” said Millington, “I know you feel some resentment.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“No I don't! Good night!” I said angrily.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Yes you do!” said Millington. “And I'll tell you why. You remember you
-mentioned, some time ago, that you thought you would keep a pig?
-Personally I would be delighted to have you keep a pig or even a lot of
-pigs. You could make an infernal stock yard of your place if you wanted
-to. I love pigs. If I could have my way I would have a pig pen immediately
-under my window, so that when I awakened in the morning I could glance
-down at the happy, contented creatures. Nothing starts the day so well as
-to see contented creatures, and there is nothing so contented as a pig. If
-I could have my own way I would beg you to build your pig pen immediately
-under my window. But I am not a selfish man.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I know you are not, Millington,” I said; “but I am not considering the
-purchase of a pig. Good night!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Of course you are not,” said Rolfs, “and I only want to say that if you
-do keep a pig you can gratify Millington, for every law of pig culture
-demands that you build your pig house against the western fence, and not
-against my fence. The pig is a delicate creature, and his pen should be
-where the invigorating rays of the morning sun can strike him. Now my
-fence is the eastern fence—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“And this man Rolfs pretends to be your friend!” exclaimed Millington
-sneeringly.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Why every one knows that unless a pig has sweet dreams he becomes moody
-and listless, and loses interest in life. A pig's place of residence
-should always be where the last rays of the sun can strike him—against
-the eastern fence. You want to put that pen against Rolf's fence.”
- </p>
-<p>
-At this Mr. Rolfs became greatly agitated. He glared at Mr. Millington,
-and shook his fist at me.
-</p>
-<p>
-“You'll put no pig pen on my side of your yard!” he said threateningly.
-</p>
-<p>
-“And you keep your pig pen away from my fence,” said Mr. Millington hotly.
-“I am your friend, and I start to Port Lafayette with you day after day—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Millington,” said Rolfs, calming himself, “we will not have a pig in this
-neighbourhood at all. If this fellow attempts to keep a pig we will have
-the law on him. That is what we will do!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“That is what we will do, Rolfs,” said Millington, “at the first evidence
-of a pig we will set the police on him. We won't stand it!” “Gentlemen,” I
-said calmly, “I have no intention of keeping a pig. Such an idea never
-entered my mind. And as for you, Millington, I know you now. You have
-shown yourself as you are. Never again, Millington, shall I start to Port
-Lafayette in your automobile. That is final! Good night, gentlemen!”
- </p>
-<p>
-Millington and Rolfs went off arm in arm, and when they were out of sight
-I hurriedly rescued Chesterfield Whiting, in all his wrappings, from under
-the seat, and rushed him into the house. I let Mr. Prawley continue to
-unharness the horse. I told Isobel what my neighbours had said.
-Chesterfield, in his gags, lay at my feet.
-</p>
-<p>
-“To-morrow, Isobel,” I said, “we must get rid of Chesterfield Whiting. In
-the meantime we must keep him a dark secret. We must keep him silent, or
-we are lost.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Suddenly the dust-robe bundle at our feet began to palpitate violently. It
-bounced like a fish out of water, and I made a grab for it. Chesterfield
-screamed. I threw myself hastily upon him and wrapped him in my arms and
-muzzled the bunch of veil that was his nose with my hand. As I stood erect
-again I chanced to glance out of the window, and I saw Mr. Rolfs and Mr.
-Millington in deep conversation with a policeman. From time to time they
-turned and glanced at my house. Motioning Isobel to follow me, I bore
-Chesterfield to the attic. We closed the windows of the trunk room in the
-attic, and locked the door. Then I opened a trunk, unwrapped Chesterfield
-and dropped him into the trunk, and shut the lid. And sat on it.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/175.png" alt="175" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-Isobel peeked out of the window, and told me that the policeman and Mr.
-Rolfs and Mr. Millington were staring at our attic windows.
-</p>
-<p>
-An ordinary pig would have been glad to be unwrapped and dropped into a
-cozy, roomy trunk, but Chesterfield was no ordinary pig. He was a weeper.
-First he wailed for his lost home. Then he screamed for his mother. Then
-he shrieked for each of his dear little brothers and sisters individually.
-Then he opened his lungs and squealed for all of them at once, and the
-policeman took out his note-book and wrote down the number of our house. I
-realized then that keeping a pig in the suburbs is attended by
-difficulties. The theory of keeping your pigs cheerful and happy is all
-right in a book, but it is hard to live up to when the pig is homesick and
-a policeman with a note-book is on your front walk. It is well enough for
-an agricultural writer to sit in his hall bedroom in the city and scribble
-about uplifting the pig, and spiritualizing it, and bathing it, but did he
-ever try to soothe a homesick pig in an attic? Did he ever try to bathe a
-pig in a trunk? Did he ever try to scatter sunshine in a pig's life when
-the pig has firmly made up its mind to mourn? Did he ever try to reason
-with the pig when the pig is full of squeal, and has no desire in life but
-to pour forth eons and leagues of it?
-</p>
-<p>
-When a pig feels like that, it is useless to read it chapters from
-Hamilton Wright Mabie's “Essays on Nature and Culture.” Occasionally I
-opened the lid of the trunk and looked in to assure myself that there was
-but one pig, and not three or four. When a pig reaches the stage where its
-eyes become set and stary, and it gives forth long, soul-piercing wails,
-it does not want a bath. It does not want sunshine, nor Bible classes, nor
-uplift, nor simple life. It wants food.
-</p>
-<p>
-The more I studied Chesterfield the more certain I became that if a man
-wants to win the affection of a pig he can best do so, not by lifting the
-pig over the edge of a porcelain bath tub every few hours to give it a
-rub-down, but by standing by with a couple of tons of feed and shovelling
-it down the pig with a scoop-shovel. The pig's squawker and its swallower
-are one and the same instrument, and the only way to keep the squawker
-quiet is to keep the swallower plugged with food. In its idle hours the
-pig may long for sweetness and light, but it wants meals at all hours of
-the day and night.
-</p>
-<p>
-We found that Chesterfield preferred salted almonds to affection. He began
-eating salted almonds immediately after we had fed him everything else in
-the house that was edible, and by feeding him one almond at a time Isobel
-was able to keep him interested. By this means she kept his mind off his
-sorrows. He could not weep and chew.
-</p>
-<p>
-Time and again, as the hours slipped by, Isobel tested Chesterfield, to
-see if he was satisfied, but at each test his sorrow broke forth afresh. I
-never knew a pig was so full of sorrows. I would not have believed that so
-small a pig, so full of salted almonds, could have room for one small
-sorrow. And yet, the moment Isobel ceased feeding him, he would run around
-inside the trunk, nosing it and wailing for—I don't know what he was
-wailing for!
-</p>
-<p>
-About midnight, when Isobel was worn out, I took her place and let her go
-to bed. I told her I would feed salted almonds until three, and then call
-her, and she could feed until six, while I got a little sleep. About two
-o'clock in the morning I gave Chesterfield his eighteenth drink of water,
-and when I offered him another salted almond he seemed languid. He eyed it
-covetously, opened his mouth, sighed once, and fell over sideways. His
-regular breathing told me he had fallen into a deep, sweet sleep, and I
-removed my shoes and stole softly downstairs.
-</p>
-<p>
-“He has fallen asleep,” I told Isobel, “and I think he will probably take
-a good nap. He has had a hard day. I left him quite comfortable and—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Drink! Almonds! Mother! I'm lone-lee-ee-wee-wee-wee!” wailed Chesterfield
-at that instant, and I hurried up to the attic. I threw open the lid of
-the trunk, and found him standing on his feet. He was still asleep, his
-white-lashed eyes firmly closed in slumber, but his squealer was working
-as if he were awake, and when I fed him a salted almond he munched and
-swallowed it without awakening, and squealed for another. He was so sound
-asleep that he could not even reach out for the almonds; I had to poke
-them into his mouth. When I missed his mouth and dropped the almond on the
-floor of the trunk he squealed. At last he lay down comfortably and slept
-and ate almonds.
-</p>
-<p>
-I had one great fear. I was running out of almonds. So I tried him with
-wads of newspaper, and found they satisfied him quite as well. I fed him a
-complete Sunday newspaper, including the coloured supplement and the
-“want” advertisements, before sunrise. I imagine the newspaper was not
-very nourishing, for Chesterfield awakened at sunrise with a tremendous
-appetite, and let us know, plainly, that he was starving to death. I fed
-him my breakfast and Isobel's while Mr. Prawley was digging up what
-remained in our vegetable garden, and when Chesterfield had eaten that I
-gagged him with the pink veil, and stuffed his head in the sleeve of my
-rain coat once more.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, “the time has at last come when we must cease keeping
-pigs. I love to be surrounded by affection, but I believe we have kept
-this pig long enough. An attic is no place in which to run a modern swine
-industry. It is too far from the nearest bath tub. Bathe him now, if you
-would bathe him at all, for he is going back to the farm.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“If we packed him in a trunk,” said Isobel thoughtfully, paying no
-attention to the bath suggestion, “we might send him back to the farmer by
-express, and Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington would never know we had—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“That is a good idea,” I said, “except that we do not know the name of the
-farmer, and that the Interurban does not deliver express parcels twelve
-miles from Westcote—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“We might pack him in a suit case,” suggested Isobel. “If we packed him in
-the suit case and pretended we were going on a picnic and that the suit
-case was our lunch—I suppose Chesterfield will be some one's lunch
-some day?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Fine!” I said, and we began pretending we were going on a picnic. I
-packed Chesterfield Whiting in the suit case, and then went down and had
-Mr. Prawley harness the horse. I noticed that the policeman was still
-hanging near our house, and that Mr. Millington was eyeing me from his
-porch.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Ah! Millington!” I called cheerfully. “Fine day for a picnic! Isobel and
-I are just off for one.”
- </p>
-<p>
-He came running over immediately. “Admirable!” he cried. “I was just
-coming over to suggest that very thing. The automobile is running
-beautifully this morning, and we four can run up to Port Lafayette—”
- </p>
-<p>
-Port Lafayette!
-</p>
-<p>
-“Millington,” I said, assuming an angry tone, “last evening you insulted
-me, and you seem to think I will forgive you thus easily. No indeed! I am
-not that sort of man, Millington. I will not take Isobel to Port
-Lafayette, for I have promised to let you take us there, but we will go on
-this picnic behind Bob. And if you see Rolfs just tell him what a silly
-ass he made of himself, thinking I would be crazy enough to keep a pig. I
-may be some kinds of a fool, Millington, but I am not that kind!”
- </p>
-<p>
-I think Millington blushed. He should have blushed. Saying I would keep a
-pig, indeed!
-</p>
-<p>
-When I returned for Isobel and carried the suit case downstairs I felt as
-light-hearted as a boy. Chesterfield was so well muzzled and gagged that
-he made no sound whatever, and when I stepped from my door, with Isobel by
-my side, I was pleased to see Rolfs stepping from his front door, and I
-hailed him. He stopped, but he looked annoyed.
-</p>
-<p>
-“If you want to say anything ugly, say it quick,” he said, “for I'm in a
-rush to catch a train, and if I just catch it, I can just catch the ferry,
-to catch a train for Chicago. I can't stop now—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Get in the buggy,” I said heartily, “we will drive you to the station.
-Isobel and I are going on a little picnic. Put your suit case in the back,
-with ours. We always carry our lunch in a suit case when we go picnicing.
-Hop in!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Well, it is kind of you,” said Rolfs rather sheepishly. “I hope you did
-not feel hurt by what I said last night about pigs. I feel rather strongly
-about pigs.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Rolfs,” I said as I gathered up the reins, “I am not a man to nurse hard
-feelings, but I must say—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Look here!” said Rolfs, “I did not get into this buggy to listen to—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“You can get out again,” I said inhospitably, “any time you do not like
-straight, honest talk. I mean nothing unneighbourly but when a man accuses—”
- </p>
-<p>
-Without another word Rolfs jumped out, and grabbing his suit case, walked
-haughtily away. I could not forbear giving him a little dig.
-</p>
-<p>
-“<i>Bon voyage</i>, Rolfs,” I called. “Don't get pigs on the brain
-to-night again!” and Isobel and I laughed as we drove away.
-</p>
-<p>
-When the farmer saw us drive into his yard he seemed surprised, but he was
-nice about it. He said he was willing to pay us back half what we had paid
-him for Chesterfield Whiting, but we would not hear of it.
-</p>
-<p>
-“No,” I said firmly, “we have had our money's worth of pig!”
- </p>
-<p>
-Then I opened the suit case.
-</p>
-<p>
-It contained, among other things, a suit of pajamas, a tooth brush, four
-shirts, six pair of socks, underwear, handkerchiefs, a book entitled “The
-Complete Rights of the Citizen,” and twelve collars. But no pig.
-</p>
-<p>
-All the articles were of good quality, and most had Rolf's initials on
-them. I must say the suit case contained a nice assortment of
-haberdashery. But no pig. Not that I blamed Rolfs for not packing a pig in
-his suit case, for he was going to Chicago where there are stock yards
-full of pigs, if he should happen to want one. And a suit case is no place
-for a pig, anyway. Imagine the feelings of a man in a sleeping car when he
-has buckled the curtains of his berth around him, and has partly undressed
-behind them. And then imagine him reaching down and opening his suit case,
-expecting to find a suit of pajamas, and finding, instead, a pig. Imagine
-him when the pig—a Chesterfield Whiting pig—springs lightly
-forth and gives voice to his homesickness!
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/185.png" alt="185" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-IX. THE ROYAL GAME OR SEVERAL DAYS AFTER THE PIG EPISODE
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> refused to start for Port Lafayette in Millington's automobile, although
-he used to lean over the fence and beg me almost tearfully, but one fine
-morning he came over, and he looked so haggard and careworn that I took
-pity on him.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” he said, as he led me to his garage, which was on the back of his
-lot, “I am sure this automobile of mine is bewitched. I cannot think of
-anything else that would make it behave as an automobile in good health
-should, and I give you my word of honour that it is acting in perfect
-rhythm, never slipping a cog nor missing fire. Of course, with the machine
-behaving in that unaccountable manner, I would not dare to start for Port
-Lafayette, but I want to run you around to the Country Club. You ought to
-be in our Country Club, and I want you to see it, and I want you to tell
-me what you think about this automobile of mine. I can't understand it!”
- </p>
-<p>
-I have often noticed three things: I have noticed that a boy is never
-really happy until he owns a dog; I have noticed that a flat-dweller is
-never content until he owns a phonograph; but above all I have noticed
-that the commuter—the man that lives in the sweet-scented,
-tree-embowered suburbs—is restless and uneasy until he joins the
-Country Club. So I accepted Millington's invitation.
-</p>
-<p>
-We ran out of his yard and half a block up the street, Millington
-listening carefully all the while, and we could not hear a sound of
-distress in any part of the automobile. Millington stopped the car and got
-out.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I am going to walk to the Club,” he said. “I won't trust myself in that
-car. As for you, as it was entirely for your sake I proposed this little
-run to the Club, I am going to put the machine in your charge, and you are
-to run it around the block until it resumes its normal bad condition. From
-what I know of you and the remarks you have made while I have tried to
-repair the engine, I believe you will soon have it making all sorts of
-noises, and,” he added, “perhaps it will be making a noise it never made
-before.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Then he showed me how to start, and what to touch if a tree or telephone
-post got in my way, and then he went on to the Country Club.
-</p>
-<p>
-I was much touched by this evidence of Millington's faith in my ability to
-bring out the bad points of his automobile, and as soon as he disappeared
-I set to work, and I had hardly gone twice around the block before I had
-it knocking more loudly than ever I had heard it knock. But I was resolved
-to show Millington that his trust was not misplaced, and I ran the nose of
-the machine into a tree, threw on the high speed suddenly until I heard a
-grinding noise that told me the gears were stripped. Then I left the car
-there and walked on to the Country Club.
-</p>
-<p>
-A Country Club is an institution conducted for the purpose of securing as
-many new members as possible, in order that their initiation fees may pay
-for the upkeep of the golf green. Aside from this, the object of the club
-is to enable the men that mow the grass to make an honest living by
-selling the golf balls they find while mowing the grass.
-</p>
-<p>
-The Membership Committee, on which Millington served, is a small body of
-men whose duty it is to learn, as soon as possible, who that new man is
-that moved into Billing's house, and to get twenty dollars in initiation
-fees from him, before he has spent all his money for mosquito screens.
-</p>
-<p>
-When Millington said to me, in the way members of Country Clubs have, “<i>You</i>
-ought to be in our Country Club,” I was tickled. I did not know then that
-Millington was on the membership committee, and his willingness to admit
-me to fellowship seemed to show that I had been promptly recognized as a
-desirable citizen of Westcote; a man worth knowing; one of the inner
-circle of desirables. What more fully convinced me was the eagerness of
-Mr. Rolfs.
-</p>
-<p>
-“We <i>must</i> have you in,” said Rolfs. “I have been speaking to several
-of the members about you, and they are all enthusiastic about taking you
-in. Of course, our green is a little ragged just now, but when we get your
-mon—when—of course, the green is a little ragged just now, but
-we expect to have it trimmed soon, very soon.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Isobel was delighted when I told her I contemplated joining the Country
-Club. She said it would do me all the good in the world to play a game of
-golf now and then, and when I mentioned that I thought of taking family
-membership, which would admit her to all the club privileges, she was more
-than pleased. So were Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington. I forget how many more
-dollars a family membership cost. They shook hands with me warmly, and
-Millington said something to Rolfs about their now being able to dump
-another load or two of sand on the bunker at the sixth hole. They also
-said the ladies would be delighted. Many, they said, had asked them why
-Isobel had not joined.
-</p>
-<p>
-Then they mentioned earnestly that the initiation fee and the first year's
-dues were payable immediately. They even offered to send in my check for
-the amount with my membership application.
-</p>
-<p>
-I had never played golf, but Millington said he would lend me an excellent
-book on the game, written by one of the great players, and Rolfs offered
-to pick me out a set of clubs. He was enthusiastic when we went to the
-shop where clubs were sold, and I must say he did not allow the clerk to
-foist off on me any old-fashioned, shopworn clubs. He said with pride, as
-we left the shop, that, so far as he knew, every club I had secured was
-absolutely new in model, and that not one club in the lot was of a kind
-ever seen on the Westcote course before. Some he said, he was sure had
-never been seen on any course anywhere.
-</p>
-<p>
-He said my putter would create great excitement when it appeared on the
-course. I must give him credit for being right. The putter was, perhaps,
-too much like a brass sledge-hammer to be graceful, and I found later that
-it worked much better as a croquet mallet than as a tool for putting a
-golf ball into a hole, but it was fine advertisement for a new member.
-Members who might never have noticed me at all began to speak of me
-immediately. They referred to me as “that fellow that Rolfs got to buy the
-idiotic putter.”
- </p>
-<p>
-The golf course at our Westcote Country Club is one of the best I have
-ever seen. It is almost free from those irregularities of ground that make
-so many golf courses fretful. In selecting the ground the Committee had in
-mind, I think, a billiard table, but as it was impossible to secure a
-sufficiently large plot of ground as level as that near Westcote, they
-secured the most level they could and then went over it with a steam
-grader. The envious members of the Oakland Club speak of it as the
-Westcote Croquet Grounds.
-</p>
-<p>
-The first day I appeared at the club I saw that golf was indeed a
-difficult game, particularly after Mr. Millington had explained how it was
-worked. He began by remarking that, of course, I could not expect to do
-much with “that bunch of crazy scrap iron”—that being the manner in
-which he referred to the up-to-date clubs Rolfs had selected for me—and
-that no man who knew anything about golf ever used the red-white-and-pink
-polka-dot balls, which were the kind Rolfs had advised me to buy. Then he
-looked through my clubs scornfully and selected my putter.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Usually,” he said ironically, “we begin with a driver, and drive the ball
-as far as we can from this place, which is called the driving green, but I
-think this tool, in your hands, will do as well as anything else in your
-collection of kitchen cutlery. What do you call this tool, anyway?”
- </p>
-<p>
-I looked at the label on the handle and read it. I told Millington it was
-a putter, but he would not believe me. I showed him the label, which said
-quite plainly “putter,” but he was still skeptical. He did not deny
-positively that it was a putter; he merely said, “Well, if this instrument
-of torture is a putter, I'll eat it.”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0010" id="linkimage-0010"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/201.png" alt="201" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-Mr. Millington then made a little mound of sand which he took from the
-green sandbox, and set one of my golf balls on top of the mound. This, I
-soon learned, is called “teeing” the ball.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Now,” said Mr. Millington, “I will explain the game. When the ball is
-teed as you see it here, you take the club and hit the ball so it will
-travel low and straight through the air as far as possible toward that red
-flag you see yonder. The ball will alight on the fair green. You follow
-it, and hit it again, and it should then alight fairly and squarely on the
-putting-green. You then follow it, take the pole that bears the flag out
-of the hole you will find there, and gently knock your ball into the hole.
-That is all there is to the game.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“But what shall I do,” I asked, “if my first knock at the ball carries it
-beyond the flag?”
- </p>
-<p>
-Mr. Millington glanced at the patent putter I held in my hand, and sighed.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Excuse me,” he said, “but the rules of the game permit one to grasp the
-club with both hands.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I guess,” I said airily, “until I get the swing of it I will grasp the
-club with one hand. I only use one hand in playing croquet.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“In that case,” said Mr. Millington, “if you knock the ball past the flag
-I will eat the flag. I will also eat the ball. Also the thing you call a
-putter. If you knock the ball half way to the flag, I will eat all the
-grass on this golf course.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Be careful, Millington,” I warned him. “You may have to eat that grass.
-Now, stand back and let me have a fair whack at the ball.”
- </p>
-<p>
-With that I swung the putter around my head two or three times, to gather
-the necessary impetus, and then hit the ball a terrible whack. I put my
-full strength into the blow, for I wanted to show Millington that I had
-the making of a golfer in me; but when my putter ceased revolving around
-me Millington seemed unimpressed. I put my hand above my eyes and gazed
-into the far distance, hoping to catch sight of the ball when it alighted.
-But I did not see it.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0011" id="linkimage-0011"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/205.png" alt="205" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-“Millington,” I said, “did you see where that ball went?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I did,” he said, turning to the left. “It went over there, into that tall
-grass. It is a lost ball. Every ball that goes into that tall grass is
-gone forever. I have never known any one to recover a ball that fell in
-that tall grass.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Then he stepped proudly to the sand-box and made another tee.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Hand me a ball,” he said, “and I will show you the proper way to hit it.”
- </p>
-<p>
-I gave him a ball and he placed it carefully on the tee. Then he grasped
-his driver in both hands, snuggled the head of it up to the ball lovingly,
-drew back the club and struck the ball. I was not quick enough to see the
-ball go, but Millington was.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Fine!” he exclaimed. “I sliced it a little, but I must have got good
-distance. I must have driven that ball two hundred yards.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“But where did it go?” I asked.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Well,” said Millington, “I did slice it a little. It went off there to
-the right, into that tall grass. It is a lost ball. I have never known any
-one to recover a ball that fell in that tall grass. But let me have
-another ball and I will show you—”
- </p>
-<p>
-I told Millington I guessed I would lose a couple of balls myself while I
-had a few left, if it was not against the rules. He said no, a player
-could lose as many as he wished; in fact many players lost more than they
-wished.
-</p>
-<p>
-I found this to be so. We played around the nine holes and I made a score
-of 114, and Millington was delighted. He said it was a splendid score to
-turn in to the handicapping committee, and that he wished he could make a
-large, safe score like that. He said no one in the club had ever made more
-than 110 and that the average was about 45. Then he said I need not lose
-hope, for at any rate I had not lost a ball at every stroke. He said he
-had imagined when he saw me play that I would lose a ball at every stroke,
-for my style of playing—my “form” he called it—was the sort
-that ought to lose me one ball for every stroke.
-</p>
-<p>
-When I reached home I found Isobel awaiting me, and, without thinking, I
-blurted out that I had lost thirty-eight golf balls. Her mouth hardened.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” she said, “I have been talking with Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs. Millington
-about this game of golf, and what they say has given me an entirely
-different opinion of it. When I advised you to take it up I had no idea it
-was a gambling game, but they both tell me the matches are often played
-for a stake of balls. Mrs. Rolfs says her husband has accumulated eighty
-balls in this way, and Mrs. Millington says her husband has laid up a
-store of over fifty. And now, when you come home and tell me you have
-lost, in one afternoon, thirty-eight golf balls, at a cost of fifty cents
-each, I feel that golf is a wicked, sinful game. I do not want to seem
-severe, but I do not approve of gambling, and if you continue to lose so
-many golf balls you will have to give up the game.”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-X. ADVANCED GOLF
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HAT evening Millington dropped over to chat for a few minutes, and he was
-in good spirits. He told me he had found the automobile where I had left
-it with its nose against the tree, and that it had been necessary to hire
-a team to pull it home. Isobel said she would never forget the pleased
-expression on Millington's face as he saw the helpless machine being towed
-into his yard, and between what both of them said I felt rightly proud at
-having lifted such a load from his mind.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Now,” said Millington cheerfully, “we can all start for Port Lafayette in
-the morning. I will get up at four to-morrow morning and tinker at the
-motor, and by nine, or ten at the latest, we will be ready to start.”
- </p>
-<p>
-At ten the next morning, therefore, Isobel and I went over to Millington's
-garage, but our first glimpse of him told us all was not well. He was
-sitting on the garage step with his head buried in his arms, while his
-wife was sitting beside him, vainly endeavouring to console him. For
-awhile he made no response to my queries, and then he only raised his
-mournful face and pointed at the automobile. He was too overcome for
-words, and his wife had to give us the awful facts.
-</p>
-<p>
-“This morning at four,” she said, “Edward came out and prepared to do what
-he could to repair the motor you had so kindly put to the bad. He was then
-his usual, cheerful self. He leaped lightly into the chauffeur's seat,
-touched the starting lever, and, to his utter distress, the automobile
-moved smoothly out of the garage and down the driveway, without a single
-misplaced throb or sign of disorder. There was nothing the matter with the
-automobile at all. Not a thing to repair. It was as if it had just come
-from the factory. Of course he immediately gave up all idea of the little
-run to Port Lafayette. Now, there is only one thing to be done. You must
-take the machine and run it around the block until it is in a fit
-condition to be repaired. I am afraid you did not do a good job
-yesterday.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Although I felt rather hurt by the last words, I was not a man to desert
-Millington in his need, and without a word I jumped into the automobile
-and started. That morning I put in some hard work. It seemed that the
-automobile had repaired itself so well that nothing would ever be the
-matter with it again, but by persistent efforts and by doing everything an
-amateur could possibly do to ruin an automobile, I succeeded in developing
-its weak spots. Not until noon was I satisfied, but when the horses at
-last pulled the automobile into Millington's garage I felt I had done my
-duty. I had mashed the hood and cracked a cylinder, dished the left front
-wheel and absolutely ruined all the battery connections. I would have
-defied any man to make that automobile run one inch. It had been hard
-work, but I was amply repaid when Millington threw his arms around me and
-wept for joy on my shoulder. He was not usually a demonstrative man.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Next week, or the week after, John,” he said cheerfully, as he took off
-his coat, “I may have the machine patched up a little, and we will take
-that little run out to Port Lafayette. I feel that the trip has been
-delayed too long already, and I shall get to work at once.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“If you wish,” I said, “I will lend you Mr. Prawley to hold things while
-you work on them.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Prawley?” said Millington. “Prawley? That man of yours? No, thank you,
-John. That man Prawley is so fearful of automobiles that he trembles at
-the sight of a pair of goggles. He would die of fear if we forced him into
-this garage.”
- </p>
-<p>
-I left Millington whistling over his work, and that afternoon I took my
-putter and went to the golf grounds alone, for I had spent half the night
-reading the golf book Mr. Rolfs had lent me, and I saw I had not gone at
-the game in the right way. I knew now that I should have held my club with
-my right hand more to the right—or to the left—and my right
-foot nearer the ball—or not so near it—and with the head of my
-club heeled up more—or not so much. The directions given by the book
-were very explicit. They said a player must invariably lay his thumb along
-the shaft of the club, unless he wrapped it around the shaft, or let it
-stick up like a sore toe, or cut it off and got along without it, or did
-something else with it. The book seemed to imply that the proper way for a
-beginner to learn golf was to lock himself in a dark closet and indulge in
-silent meditation until he became an expert player, but the closets in my
-house were so narrow and shallow I felt I could not meditate broadly in
-them. So I went to the Country Club.
-</p>
-<p>
-I met young Weldorf there, and as soon as he saw me he immediately
-proposed a round. He said he had wanted to play a round with me ever since
-he had heard of my clubs. He said he hoped I would not mind his dog being
-along, for the dog took a lively interest in the game of golf.
-</p>
-<p>
-So I told Weldorf I loved dogs and that I thought a dog or two scattered
-around the links added greatly to the picturesqueness of the game.
-Weldorf's dog was a rather thin dog, of the white terrier kind, with black
-spots, and Weldorf explained that the reason there were bare,
-flesh-coloured spots on the dog was because he was just recovering from an
-attack of mange.
-</p>
-<p>
-Weldorf drove first, and a beautiful drive it was, and with a gay bark the
-dog darted after the ball, but Weldorf spoke to him sternly, and he
-stopped short, although he still gazed after the ball yearningly. Then I
-drove. I exerted the whole of my enormous strength in that drive, and I
-think I surprised Weldorf. I know I surprised the dog. If I had been that
-dog, I, too, would have been surprised. There stood the dog, looking at
-Weldorf's ball, wagging his tail and thinking of nothing, and here came my
-ball with terrific speed. Suddenly the ball hit the dog on the hip with a
-splashy sort of smack, and immediately the dog was impelled forward and
-upward, giving voice, as we dog-fanciers say. He gave voice three times
-while in the air, and when he alighted he put his tail between his legs
-and dashed madly away.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0012" id="linkimage-0012"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/219.png" alt="219" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-We were not able to retrieve the dog until we reached the third teeing
-ground, and then I apologized to him. He did not accept my apology. He
-looked upon my most friendly advances with unjust suspicion. He seemed to
-have no faith in my game, and kept well to the rear of me, but when
-Weldorf addressed him in a few well-chosen words he unlooped his tail and
-wagged it in a halfhearted sort of way. I decided to ignore the dog. I
-raised the hinged lid of the sandbox and took out a large handful of sand
-to form my tee, and letting the lid fall took a step forward.
-</p>
-<p>
-Immediately the dog gave voice! Weldorf had to raise the lid of the
-sand-box before the dog was able to get his tail out, but as soon as he
-had reassumed full control of his tail he placed it firmly between his
-legs and dashed madly away. It is nonsense to have a golf dog with a long
-tail.
-</p>
-<p>
-By the time we reached the sixth putting-green the dog had begun to get
-lonely, and assumed a cheerful demeanour. He returned to us with
-ingratiating poses, mainly sliding along the ground on his stomach as he
-approached, and I was glad to see him happy again, for I love dogs and I
-like to have them happy. He stood afar off, however, until he saw our
-balls on the putting-green. He knew that golfers do not “putt” as
-strenuously as they “drive.” Then he came nearer. I took the flag-pole
-from the hole and let it fall gracefully to the ground. Without an instant
-of hesitation the dog gave voice! It was a long flag-pole, made of a plump
-bamboo fish-rod, and when it fell it seemed to strike directly on the
-eighth dorsal vertebra of the dog, at a spot where he was not recovering
-very well from the mange.
-</p>
-<p>
-Weldorf said he had no doubt the dog would find his way home, and we stood
-and listened until the voice the dog was giving died away in the far
-distance, and then we holed out. It is nonsense for a dog to have dorsal
-vertebrae.
-</p>
-<p>
-When we reached the seventh hole I found that the grounds committee was
-already using my initiation fee, for the grass mowers were at work there,
-and a man with a rake immediately stepped up to me, and said in the most
-friendly manner that he would be willing to part with some golf balls for
-money, if I would say nothing about it to the Board of Governors. He had
-sixteen, nine of which I recognized as some of those I had lost the day
-before, and he very generously offered to let me have the lot at fifteen
-cents each. I purchased them eagerly, and the man who was driving the
-mower at once descended and offered me twelve more at the same price.
-Between there and the ninth hole numerous caddies appeared from behind
-trees and bunkers and offered me balls at ridiculously low prices, and I,
-quite naturally, took advantage of their offers.
-</p>
-<p>
-When I reached home Isobel asked me how I was progressing with my game.
-“Well,” I said, “I return with forty-two more golf balls than I had when I
-went out.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Instantly her face brightened. She congratulated me warmly and said she
-was sure Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs. Millington had overstated the evils of the
-game. She said she thought she could see an improvement in my health
-already. She advised me to keep at the game until my health was beyond
-compare.
-</p>
-<p>
-I now know that the book Mr. Rolfs lent me is mere piffle and that, for a
-man who takes his golf in the right way, a broom or a hairpin is as good
-as any other tool. I enjoy the game immensely, and find it great sport.
-Often I come home with fifty golf balls, and my low record is eighteen—but
-that was a legal holiday and the grass mowers were on vacation. I have so
-many golf balls in the house already that Isobel talks of having an
-addition built over the kitchen for storage purposes. As my game has
-improved I have acquired such dexterity that I can buy balls from the
-caddies at the rate of four for twenty-five cents. If I practise regularly
-I believe I shall in time reach a point where I can buy balls for five
-cents each. By holes, my best score is thirty-eight balls, made at the
-eighth hole on July 6th, from the red-headed caddy and the fat mowing man.
-My low score is one ball, made August 16th, at the first hole. I never
-make a large score there, as it is near the club house and the caddies are
-afraid of the Board of Governors.
-</p>
-<p>
-When golf is taken rightly it arouses the instincts of the chase in a man,
-and I now feel the same joy in running down a caddy and bargaining for
-found balls that others feel in hunting wild animals. Golf, taken thus, is
-a splendid game.
-</p>
-<p>
-And I have found that if I use my putter only, and knock the ball but a
-few yards each stroke, there is no need of losing a ball from one end of
-the year to the other. But even then one must remember the cardinal rule
-of all golfers—“Keep the eye on the ball.”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-XI. MY DOMESTICATED AUTOMOBILE
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> HAVE said that I left Millington happily working over his automobile
-when I went to the Country Club that afternoon. When I returned he was
-still working away, and so well had I wrecked his car that all his
-repairing seemed to have made not the slightest impression on it.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” he said brightly, “you certainly did a good job. It will be months
-before I have this car in any shape at all, I am sure. It is going to take
-all my spare time, too. I mean to set my alarm clock for three, and get up
-at that time every morning.”
- </p>
-<p>
-It is always a pleasure for me to see another man happy, and at half-past
-two the next morning I was waiting for Millington at his garage door. He
-came out of his house promptly at three, and joked merrily as he unlocked
-the garage door, but the moment he threw open the door his face fell. And
-well it might! The dished wheel had been trued, the crushed hood had been
-straightened and painted, a new cylinder had replaced the cracked one, and
-when Millington tried the engine it ran without a sound except that of a
-perfectly working piece of well-adjusted machinery. Millington got out of
-the car and stood staring at the motor, and suddenly, with a low cry of
-anguish, he fell over backward as stiff as a log. Mrs. Millington and I
-managed to carry him to bed, and then I returned to the garage. I was not
-going to desert Millington in his adversity.
-</p>
-<p>
-After the doctor had visited the house, Mrs. Millington came out and told
-me that her husband was still in a comatose state, due to brain-shock, but
-that he kept repeating “Sell it! Sell it!” over and over, and she was sure
-he must mean the car. She said that while she would hate to part with the
-car, and give up all the pleasure of starting for Port Lafayette, she
-feared for her husband's reason if he continued to receive such shocks,
-and she was willing to sacrifice the car at a very low price, if I
-insisted. She said I had not, like Millington, become habituated to
-hearing a knocking in the engine, so' the lack of it would not bother me,
-and that owning a car that repaired itself over night was what most
-automobile owners would call a golden opportunity.
-</p>
-<p>
-I suppose if I had come home and said to Isobel: “My dear, I have bought
-an Asiatic hyena,” she would have been less shocked and surprised than she
-was when I entered the house and said: “Well, my dear, I have bought an
-automobile.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Isobel is of a rather nervous disposition, and driving behind Bob, our
-horse, had tended to eliminate any latent speed mania she may have ever
-had, for Bob is not a rapid horse. Of course, Isobel drove the horse at a
-trot occasionally, but that was when she wanted to go slower than a walk,
-for Bob was what may be called an upright trotter—one of those
-horses that trot like a grasshopper: the harder they trot the higher they
-rise in the air, and the less ground they cover. When Bob was in fine
-fettle, as we horsemen say, he could trot for hours with a perpendicular
-motion, like a sewing machine needle, and remain in one identical spot the
-whole time. He could trot tied to a post. Sometimes when he was feeling
-his oats he could trot backward.
-</p>
-<p>
-I suppose that when I mentioned automobile Isobel had a vision of a
-bright-red car about twenty-five feet long, with a tonnage like an ocean
-steamer, and a speed of one hundred and ten miles an hour—one of the
-machines that flash by with a wail of agony and kill a couple of men just
-around the next corner. But Millington's automobile was not that kind. It
-was a tried and tested affair. It had been in a Christian family for five
-years, and was well broken. Nor was it a long automobile; it was one of
-the shortest automobiles I have ever seen; indeed, I do not think I ever
-saw such a short automobile. “Short and high” seemed to have been the
-maker's motto, and he had lived up to it. He couldn't have made the
-automobile any shorter without having cogs on the tires, so they could
-overlap. If the automobile had been much shorter the rear wheels would
-have been in front of the fore wheels. But what it lacked in length it
-made up in altitude. It averaged pretty well, multiplying the height by
-the length. It was the type known in the profession as the “camel type.”
- When in action it had a motion somewhat like a camel, too, but more like a
-small boat on a wintry, wind-tossed sea. But, ah! the engine! There was a
-noble heart in that weak body! When the engine was in average knocking
-condition, one knew when it started. In two minutes after the engine
-started the driver was on the ground; if he did not become dizzy, sitting
-at such a height, and fall off, the engine shook him off.
-</p>
-<p>
-But, if Isobel did not take kindly to the idea of owning Millington's
-automobile, Rolfs seemed glad I was going to buy it.
-</p>
-<p>
-“You won't be everlastingly asking me to take a little run up to Port
-Lafayette,” he said. “For years before you moved out here Millington
-bothered the life out of me, and I cannot bear riding in automobiles. I
-hate them worse than that hired man of yours does. How does he like the
-idea?”
- </p>
-<p>
-I told him, rather haughtily, that I did not usually consult Mr. Prawley
-when I bought automobiles. Then Rolfs said he thought, usually, it was
-just as well for an ignorant man to consult some one, but that he knew
-Millington's automobile was a good one. He said he knew the man that had
-owned the machine ten or twelve years before Millington bought it. He said
-that every one knew that machines of that make that were made in 1895 were
-extremely durable. He said he remembered about this one particularly,
-because it was the period when milk shakes were the popular drink, and his
-friend used to make his own. He said his friend would put the ingredients
-in a bottle, and tie the bottle to the automobile seat, and then start the
-engine for a minute or two, and the milk would be completely shaken. So
-would his friend.
-</p>
-<p>
-Rolfs asked me to let him know when I brought the automobile over from
-Millington's. I had no difficulty in doing so. When I ran that automobile
-the only difficulty was in concealing the fact that it was arriving
-anywhere and in getting it to arrive. Often it preferred not to arrive at
-all, but when it did arrive, it gave every one notice. Isobel never had to
-wonder whether I was arriving in my machine, or whether it was some
-visitor in another machine. Under my regime my machine had a sweet,
-purring sound like a road-roller loaded with scrap iron crossing a
-cobblestone bridge. When the engine was going and the car was not, it
-sounded like giant fire-crackers exploding under a dish pan.
-</p>
-<p>
-The very day I purchased the car and brought it into my yard Mr. Prawley
-came to me and told me he had a very important communication to make. He
-said his poor old mother was sick, and he would like a month's vacation.
-He added that he imagined the automobile would last about twenty-nine
-days. As he said this his lean, villainous face wore a look of fear, and
-when I told him he could have the vacation, he departed, walking backward,
-keeping one eye on the automobile all the while.
-</p>
-<p>
-But the automobile did not behave in the bewitched manner for me that it
-had for Millington. It did not repair itself over night at all. If
-anything it deteriorated.
-</p>
-<p>
-Oddly enough, now that the automobile was quite tame, Isobel, who usually
-has perfect confidence in me, declined to ride in it. But frequently we
-took rides together, driving side by side, she in her buggy behind Bob,
-and I in my automobile, and, occasionally, when the road was rough and the
-engine working well, I would drop in on her unexpectedly. But not always.
-Sometimes I fell off on the other side.
-</p>
-<p>
-I found these little trips very pleasant and exceedingly good for a torpid
-liver—if I had had one—and I enjoyed having Isobel with me,
-especially when we came to bits of sandy road where the rear wheels of my
-automobile would revolve uselessly, as if for the mere pleasure of
-revolving.
-</p>
-<p>
-Then I would unhitch Bob from the buggy and hitch him to the automobile,
-and he would tow me over the sandy stretch, aided by the engine. It was a
-pretty picture to see this helpfulness, one to the other, especially when
-my engine was palpitating in its wild, vibratory manner, and Bob was
-trotting at full speed, while I fell out of the automobile, first on one
-side and then on the other.
-</p>
-<p>
-Isobel enjoyed these little moments exceedingly and often I had to go back
-to her, after I had passed the sandy spot, and pat her on the back until
-she could get her breath again. She had to admit that she had never
-imagined she could get so much pleasure out of an automobile. But it was
-that kind of an automobile—any one could get more pleasure out of it
-than in it.
-</p>
-<p>
-I myself found that after the first novelty wore off automobiling became a
-bore. As a method of securing pleasure the cost per gallon to each unit of
-joy was too high, in that machine. Riding in my machine was not what is
-called “joy riding.” It was more like a malady.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0013" id="linkimage-0013"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/237.png" alt="237" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-Of course we never attempted a long tour, like that to Port Lafayette,
-which is eleven miles from Westcote, and it was about the time my tire
-troubles began that I thought of domesticating my automobile. I remember
-with what pride I discovered my first puncture. Every automobile owner of
-my acquaintance had tire troubles, and I had never had any, and I felt
-slighted. Sometimes I felt tempted to take an awl and puncture a tire
-myself, so I, too, could talk about my tire troubles, but I had a feeling
-that that would be unprofessional. I had never heard of any real sporty
-automobilist punching holes in his tires with awls; in fact they seemed to
-consider there was no particular pleasure in punctured tires. That was the
-way they talked—as if a puncture was a misfortune—but I knew
-better. I could hear the undercurrent of pride in their voices as they
-announced: “Well, I had three punctures and two blow-outs yesterday. I was
-running along slowly, about fifty-five miles an hour, between Oyster Bay
-and Huntington, when—” And then the next man would pipe up and say:
-“Yes? Well, I beat that. I was speeding a little—not much, but about
-sixty miles an hour—on the Jericho Turnpike last night, and all four
-tires—” And through it all I had to sit silent. I longed to be able
-to say: “I was speeding along yesterday at about half a mile an hour, the
-machine going better than usual, when suddenly I jumped out and stuck my
-penknife into the forward, left-hand tire—” I had never had a
-puncture. I was not in their class.
-</p>
-<p>
-But my turn came. I was speeding a little—about one city block every
-five minutes—on Thirteenth Street, when my sparker stopped sparking.
-When your engine misses fire there are six hundred and forty-two things
-that may be the matter, and after you have tested the six hundred and
-forty-two, it may be an entirely new six hundred and forty-third trouble.
-I have known a man to try the full six hundred and forty-two remedies
-unavailingly, and then sigh and wipe his goggles, and the engine began
-working beautifully. And it was only by chance—pure chance—that
-he happened to wipe his goggles. Probably he had not wiped them for years.
-But after that the first thing he did when his engine did not fire was to
-wipe them. And never, never again did it have the least effect on the
-engine. That is one of the peculiar things about an automobile. And there
-are nine hundred and ninety-nine other peculiar things, each of which is
-more peculiar than all the rest.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0014" id="linkimage-0014"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/243.png" alt="243" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-I had just taken my automobile apart to discover why the engine did not
-work, and the various pieces of its anatomy were scattered up and down the
-street for a block or more, and I was hunting up another piece to take
-out, when I noticed that one of my tires was flat. I had a puncture! I
-suppose I would have thrilled with joy at any other time, but just after a
-man has dissected his automobile is no time for him to thrill. He has
-other things to amuse him. I have even known a man who had just discovered
-that his last battery had gone dead to swear a little when he discovered
-that two tires had also gone flat.
-</p>
-<p>
-It was when I was pumping up that new inner tube that I decided to
-domesticate my automobile. It seemed to be a shame to take such a delicate
-piece of machinery out on the rough, unfeeling road, and I remembered that
-Rolfs had told me of a Philadelphia friend of his who had half
-domesticated his automobile. Rolfs said that once, when he was foolish, he
-had ridden half an hour, out to his friend's farm, and there the
-automobile was jacked up and a belt attached to one of the rear wheels,
-and in less than five minutes the car was doing duty as a piece of farm
-machinery, running a feed cutter. Rolfs said it was great. He said it was
-the only time he ever felt satisfied that an automobile was getting what
-it deserved. He said that all the men had to do was to keep the
-fodder-cutter fed with fodder, and that it kept two farm hands busy. He
-said I ought to get some fodder and cut it that way and stop being an
-obstruction in the public highways. He suggested that I get some wood and
-saw wood with the automobile, or get some apples and make cider. He
-suggested a thousand things I could do with the automobile, and not one of
-them was riding in it.
-</p>
-<p>
-I had tried riding in it myself, and after owning it a week or two I
-decided it was just the kind of automobile that was meant to do general
-household work. So I domesticated it.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-XII. MR. PRAWLEY RETURNS
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>ARY was one of the most faithful servants a family ever had. Her
-faithfulness deserves this monument. She was a Pole and she could not
-pronounce her own name. She tried to pronounce it the first day she came
-to us, but along toward the sixth or seventh syllable she became confused
-and had to give it up. She said it was Schneider in English. Perhaps the
-reason she remained with us so long was because she had brought her Polish
-name with her, and it was too much trouble to move it from place to place.
-When she once got in a place, she liked to stay there. But “Schneider” was
-about the only English word she knew, and this made it a little difficult
-to explain to her that I had domesticated the automobile and would allow
-her to use it on wash day. I had to make a picture of it, and even then
-she seemed rather doubtful about it.
-</p>
-<p>
-As a matter of fact it was all very simple, but Mary Schneider was stupid.
-We already had the washing machine, and we had the automobile, and it was
-only necessary to connect the rear wheel of the automobile with the drive
-wheel of the washing machine by means of a belt, jack up the rear axle of
-the automobile, and start the engine. I hoped in time to go further than
-this and hitch up the coffee mill, the carpet-sweeper, the ice-cream
-freezer, and all our other household machinery, and then Mary Schneider
-would have a very easy time of it. She could have sat in the automobile
-with her hands on the speed levers and the work would have done itself.
-But Mary would not sit in the automobile. She tried to explain that she
-had seen me sit in it and that the Schneiders, as a family, had very
-brittle bones and could not afford to fall out of automobiles of such
-height, but I could not understand what she was saying. I only understood
-that she said she would give notice immediately if she had to sit in that
-automobile while the palpitator was jiggering.
-</p>
-<p>
-I had a feeling that all this was mere diffidence on her part, and that
-when she once saw how easy it all was she would be delighted with it. So I
-jacked up the rear axle of the car in my backyard, and attached the
-clothesline as a belt to the rear wheel and to the drive wheel of the
-washing machine. I remained at home one Monday morning especially to do
-this, and Isobel thought it was very kind of me. She said she was sure
-Mary could do it, and would be glad to, after she had once seen how it was
-done.
-</p>
-<p>
-Mary put the soap in the washing machine, and the hot water, and the
-clothes, and I started the automobile engine. It was all I had hoped.
-Never, never had I seen clothes washed so rapidly. Luckily I had thought
-to nail the legs of the washing machine to the floor of the back porch.
-This steadied the washing machine and kept it from jumping more than it
-did. Of course, some vibration was conveyed along the rope belt from the
-automobile, and Mary had to hasten to and fro bringing more hot water to
-refill the washing machine. It was like a storm at sea, or a geyser, or a
-large hot fountain. When we had the automobile going at full speed the
-water hardly entered the washing machine before it dashed madly out again.
-</p>
-<p>
-Isobel had to help by putting more clothes in the washing machine. It used
-up clothes as rapidly as Rolf's friend's fodder-cutter used up fodder, but
-I think it cut the clothes into smaller pieces. We discovered this when we
-hunted up the clothes later. We did not notice it at the time. All was
-excitement.
-</p>
-<p>
-It was a proud moment for me. The engine was running as well as it ever
-did, the dasher of the washing machine was dashing to and fro with hot
-water, and Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs. Millington were cheering us on. I began to
-believe we would break all records for clothes washing if Mary and Isobel
-could only keep water and clothes in the washing machine. Just then I fell
-out of the automobile.
-</p>
-<p>
-Possibly the sudden removal of my weight had an effect. It may have been
-that my head in striking one of the rear wheels moved the axle. Of this I
-can never be sure. The rear axle unjacked itself, and as the rear wheels
-touched the ground the automobile darted away. I was just able to touch
-the washing machine as it hurried by, but it did not wait for me to secure
-a firm hold, and it went on its way. But Mary was faithful to the last.
-She—ignorant though she was—knew that the weekly wash should
-not dash off in this manner. She—although but a Pole, knew her duty
-and did it. Mary hung onto the washing machine. Whither the wash went she
-was going. And so she did. Rapidly, too.
-</p>
-<p>
-The rear porch was not badly damaged. Only those boards to which the
-washing machine had been nailed went with it, but where the automobile
-went through the back fence we had to make extensive repairs. But it was
-all for the best. If the automobile had not made a hole in the fence Mary
-could not have gone through. Of course, she could have gone around by the
-gate, but she would have lost time, and she was not losing any time.
-Neither was the washing machine. The automobile did not gain an inch on
-it, and sometimes when the washing machine made a good jump it overtook
-the automobile. So did Mary.
-</p>
-<p>
-I saw then that I had not thoroughly domesticated the automobile. As we
-stood and watched the automobile and the washing machine and Mary dashing
-rapidly away in the distance, we felt that the automobile was still a
-little too wild for household use, but I fully believed the automobile
-would be tame enough before it reached home again. A young, strong
-automobile may be able to take cross country runs without ill effects, but
-an elderly automobile, like the one I bought of Millington, cannot dash
-across country towing a washing machine and a Polish servant, whose name
-is Schneider in English, without danger to its constitution. I do not
-blame the washing machine—it could not let go, it was belted on—but
-if Mary had had presence of mind she would have released her grasp when
-she found the strain was too much for the automobile. But it is strange
-how differently the minds of male and female run. As I watched the
-automobile disappear over the edge of the hill I said:
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel, I guess that ends that automobile,” But Isobel said:
-</p>
-<p>
-“John, I am afraid we have lost Mary.” And yet that automobile and that
-Pole were the last two in the world I should ever have suspected of
-running away with each other. She came back later in the day, but she did
-not say much. She packed her trunk and took her wages, and remarked a
-remark that sounded like the English word Schneider translated into
-Polish. The washing machine did not return.
-</p>
-<p>
-When Millington came out to the fence that evening I told him that I was
-done with automobiling, and that the automobile was probably mashed to
-flinders. He had been looking bad, but he brightened at the words.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” he said, “if that automobile is wrecked as badly as it should be
-after running wild with a tail of washing machines and
-Schneiders-in-English, I'll buy it back. I'll give—I'll give you
-five dollars for it.”
- </p>
-<p>
-He must have seen the eagerness in my eyes, for he remarked quickly:
-</p>
-<p>
-“I'll give you two dollars and forty-five cents for it!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I'll take it!” I said instantly.
-</p>
-<p>
-“It is mine!” said Millington, and he handed over the money.
-</p>
-<p>
-As soon as it was in my pocket I heard a rustling in the currant bushes at
-my left, and Mr. Prawley raised his head above them.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Mother's well again,” he said. “I've come back!”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-XIII. MILLINGTON'S MOTOR MYSTERY
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>ILLINGTON and I hunted up the automobile the next day, and it was in
-worse condition than I had imagined. The only way the car could be got
-back to his garage was on a truck, but we got it there, and unloaded it,
-and Millington hunted up all his tools and got them ready to use the next
-day. It was late by that time, and we locked the garage and went to bed.
-</p>
-<p>
-All night I worried over having taken two dollars and forty-five cents
-from Millington for that collection of old metal that had been a
-motor-car, and as early as possible the next morning I took the money and
-went over to Millington's. I found him just going out to the garage, and
-he positively refused to take back the money. He said the car was in just
-the condition he wanted it, and that if I hadn't knocked the witchery out
-of it no one could. He said he hoped—and just then he opened the
-garage door.
-</p>
-<p>
-There stood the automobile, on the very spot where we had left it, but
-there was not a scratch on it. Except that it was an ancient model, it
-might have been a brand new car. Even the brasswork had been polished, and
-at the first glance the tires seemed new, but we found they had only been
-carefully repaired and painted drab.
-</p>
-<p>
-Millington stood looking at the automobile a few minutes and then laughed.
-He turned to me with a strangely contorted face and said: “Uncle Tom, you
-are invited to take a ride with Cleopatra in my air-ship to-night at
-midnight.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Millington said this in a very calm voice, but he immediately followed it
-by asking me to have a piece of strawberry pie, and instead of pie he
-offered me the can of gear grease. I managed to coax him into the house,
-and when the doctor arrived he advised absolute rest. He said Millington's
-brain was not yet permanently affected, but that another such shock would
-be too much for him. He said that for the present we must humour him, and
-try to make him believe that the automobile was damaged beyond recovery.
-It seemed to have a soothing effect, and to aid his recovery I got into
-the car, ran it into the street, aimed it at a stone wall opposite
-Millington's window, threw on the high speed, and jumped to one side. One
-minute later the machine was afire, and half an hour later little was left
-of it but the metal parts, and they were badly warped.
-</p>
-<p>
-Mr. Prawley came out when he saw the fire, and a look of the most fiendish
-joy glittered in his eyes. Never have I seen a man show such pleasure over
-the destruction of an automobile. His hatred of automobiles seemed to be
-endless and bottomless.
-</p>
-<p>
-When I told Millington that his automobile was now in about as bad
-condition as man could put it into, he sat up in bed, and the light of
-sanity came into his eyes. He walked to the window and looked out at the
-car, and became his old cheerful self again. He said that there was no
-doubt now that the devils in the car had been exorcised, and that with a
-few weeks work he could get it back into such shape that the engine would
-be working properly, and we would then, he said take that little run up to
-Port Lafayette. He then took a little nourishment, and by night he was
-quite himself again. When he had had his dinner I went home and had mine,
-and went to bed at once, for I knew Millington would be at work soon after
-sun-up.
-</p>
-<p>
-I had hardly got into bed, however, when I began to fear that Millington's
-eagerness would get the best of him, and at ten o'clock I went over to his
-house. I found him in bed and awake and cheerful, but he said he did not
-mean to get up. He said it was against his policy to get up the day before
-in order to be up the next day, so I sat by his bed and read chapters from
-a dear little work of fiction entitled “Easy Remedies for Ignition
-Troubles,” until the clock struck twelve, and then Millington hopped out
-of bed and threw on his clothes.
-</p>
-<p>
-The moment we stepped from the back door the same thing struck us both
-with surprise. There was a light in the garage!
-</p>
-<p>
-My first thought was that some rascal was in the garage trying to ruin
-Millington's automobile, but a second thought assured me this was
-impossible. Ruin could be carried no farther than I had carried it.
-Bidding Millington be silent, I crept cautiously toward the garage, with
-Millington at my heels, and without a sound we peered in at the window.
-The sight was one that would have shaken the strongest man.
-</p>
-<p>
-Bending over the motor, with his face made unearthly by the artificial
-light that fell upon it obliquely, casting deep shadows, was that villain,
-Mr. Prawley! I have never seen anything so devilish as that wretch as he
-worked with inhuman agility and haste. His long, claw-like fingers danced
-from one part of the machine to another fiendishly, and a hideous grin
-distorted his features. He was humming some weird tune, and I noted that
-he was ambidextrous, for he was varnishing the hood with one hand while
-with the other he was putting in a new spark plug. A tremor of horror
-passed over Millington and over me at the same moment. A few whispered
-words, a few stealthy steps, and we burst in and seized Mr. Prawley by the
-arms. In a moment we had him on the floor of the garage, bound hand and
-foot.
-</p>
-<p>
-Millington was for wreaking immediate vengeance on him, but I stood firmly
-for a more lawful course, and the next day we handed him over to the
-authorities, and his whole miserable story came out. His name was not Mr.
-Prawley at all. Neither was it Alonzo Duggs, which was the name he he had
-given us when Isobel and I hired him. His name was William Alexander
-Vandergribbin. He came of good family, but mania for speeding automobiles
-had brought him to ruin, and the third time he was arrested for
-over-speeding a sentence of thirty years in the penitentiary had been
-pronounced by the judge. The judge, however, had suspended the sentence
-provided that William Alexander Vandergribbin never again touched an
-automobile.
-</p>
-<p>
-For several years Vandergribbin fought down his appetite. Then he fell. He
-changed his name to Flossy Zozo, and secured a job as the death-defying
-loop-the-gappist with the big show. For a time the speeding down the
-runway in the fake automobile, with the somersault at the bottom of the
-run, appeased his cravings, but the rules of the show prohibited him from
-tinkering with the fake automobile, which was strictly in charge of the
-property man, and Vandergribbin left the show, changed his name to Alonzo
-Duggs, and seeking our quiet town, chose work in the house nearest the man
-owning the oldest automobile. For weeks he had watched his opportunity—you
-know the rest. He is now in Sing Sing.
-</p>
-<p>
-I am sorry to end this story so abruptly, but Millington has just come
-over to ask if I would not like to take a little run out to Port
-Lafayette. I have always wanted to go to Port Lafayette, which is about
-eleven miles from here; so, if you will excuse me, I will go and button
-Isobel's matinee gown, and we will be off.
-</p>
-<h3>
-END
-</h3>
-<div style="height: 6em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-<pre>
-
-
-
-
-
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diff --git a/old/44153-h.zip b/old/44153-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index b7dfd67..0000000 --- a/old/44153-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/44153-h/44153-h.htm b/old/44153-h/44153-h.htm deleted file mode 100644 index 0ecac0b..0000000 --- a/old/44153-h/44153-h.htm +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4454 +0,0 @@ -<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> - -<!DOCTYPE html -PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" -"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > - -<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> -<head> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> -<title> -The Adventures of a Suburbanite, by Ellis Parker Butler -</title> -<style type="text/css"> - <!-- - body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} - P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } - H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } - hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} - .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } - blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} - .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} - .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} - .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} - div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } - div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } - .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} - .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} - .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 100%; font-style:normal; - margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; - text-align: right;} - .side { float: left; font-size: 75%; width: 25%; padding-left: 0.8em; - border-left: dashed thin; text-align: left; - text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; - font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} - p.pfirst, p.noindent {text-indent: 0} - span.dropcap { float: left; margin: 0 0.1em 0 0; line-height: 1 } - pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} - --> -</style> -</head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -Project Gutenberg's The Adventures Of A Suburbanite, by Ellis Parker Butler - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Adventures Of A Suburbanite - -Author: Ellis Parker Butler - -Illustrator: A. B. Phelan - -Release Date: November 10, 2013 [EBook #44153] -Last Updated: March 11, 2018 - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ADVENTURES OF A SUBURBANITE *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger - - - - - -</pre> - -<div style="height: 8em;"> -<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> -</div> -<h1> -THE ADVENTURES OF A SUBURBANITE -</h1> -<h2> -By Ellis Parker Butler -</h2> -<p> -<br /> -</p> -<h3> -Illustrated by A. B. Phelan -</h3> -<p> -<br /> -</p> -<h4> -Garden City New York Doubleday, Page & Company <br /> <br /> 1911 -</h4> -<div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> -<img src="images/titlepage.png" alt="titlepage" width="100%" /><br /> -</div> -<p> -<br /> -</p> -<div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> -<img src="images/10.png" alt="10" width="100%" /><br /> -</div> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<p> -<b>CONTENTS</b> -</p> -<p class="toc"> -<a href="#link2H_4_0001"> I. THE PRAWLEYS </a> -</p> -<p class="toc"> -<a href="#link2H_4_0002"> II. MR. PRAWLEY'S GARDEN </a> -</p> -<p class="toc"> -<a href="#link2H_4_0003"> III. THE EQUINE PALACE </a> -</p> -<p class="toc"> -<a href="#link2H_4_0004"> IV. “BOB” </a> -</p> -<p class="toc"> -<a href="#link2H_4_0005"> V. THE NEW MR. PRAWLEY </a> -</p> -<p class="toc"> -<a href="#link2H_4_0006"> VI. THE SPECKLED HEN </a> -</p> -<p class="toc"> -<a href="#link2H_4_0007"> VII. CHESTERFIELD WHITING </a> -</p> -<p class="toc"> -<a href="#link2H_4_0008"> VIII. SALTED ALMONDS </a> -</p> -<p class="toc"> -<a href="#link2H_4_0009"> IX. THE ROYAL GAME OR SEVERAL DAYS AFTER THE PIG -EPISODE </a> -</p> -<p class="toc"> -<a href="#link2H_4_0010"> X. ADVANCED GOLF </a> -</p> -<p class="toc"> -<a href="#link2H_4_0011"> XI. MY DOMESTICATED AUTOMOBILE </a> -</p> -<p class="toc"> -<a href="#link2H_4_0012"> XII. MR. PRAWLEY RETURNS </a> -</p> -<p class="toc"> -<a href="#link2H_4_0013"> XIII. MILLINGTON'S MOTOR MYSTERY </a> -</p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> </a> -</p> -<div style="height: 4em;"> -<br /><br /><br /><br /> -</div> -<h2> -I. THE PRAWLEYS -</h2> -<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>SOBEL was born in a flat, and that was no fault of her own; but she was -born in a flat, and reared in a flat, and married from a flat, and, for -two years after we were married, we lived in a flat; but I am not a born -flat-dweller myself, and as soon as possible I proposed that we move to -the country. Isobel hesitated, but she hesitated so weakly that on the -first of May we had bought the place at Westcote and moved into it. -</p> -<p> -The very day I moved into my house Millington came over and said he was -glad some one had moved in, because the last man that had lived in the -house was afraid of automobiles, and would never take a spin with him. He -said he hoped I was not afraid; and when I said I was not, he immediately -proposed that we take a little spin out to Port Lafayette as soon as I had -my furniture straightened around. I thought it was very nice and -neighbourly and unusual for a man with an automobile to begin an -acquaintance that way; but I did not know Millington's automobile so well -then as I grew to know it afterward. -</p> -<p> -I liked Millington. He was a short, Napoleon-looking man, with bulldog -jaws and not very much hair, and I was glad to have him for a neighbour, -particularly as my neighbour on the other side was a tall, haughty-looking -man. He leaned on the division fence and stared all the while our -furniture was being moved in. I spoke to Millington about him, and all -Millington said was: “Rolfs? Oh, he's no good! He won't ride in an -automobile.” - </p> -<p> -At first, while we were really getting settled in our house, Isobel was -bright and cheerful and seemed to have forgotten flats entirely but on the -tenth of May I saw a change coming over her, and when I spoke of it she -opened her heart to me. -</p> -<p> -“John,” she said, “I am afraid I cannot stand it. I shall try to, for your -sake, but I do not think I can. I am so lonely! I feel like an atom -floating in space.” - </p> -<p> -“Isobel!” I said kindly but reprovingly. “With the Millingtons on one side -and the Rolfs on the other?” - </p> -<p> -“I know,” she admitted contritely enough; “but you can't understand. -Always and always, since I was born, some one has lived overhead, and some -one has lived underneath. Sometimes only the janitor lived underneath—” - </p> -<p> -“Isobel,” I said, “if you will try to explain what you mean—” - </p> -<p> -“I mean flats,” she said dolefully. “I always lived in a flat, John, and -there was always a family above and a family below, and it frightens me to -think I am in a house where there is no family above me, and not even a -janitor's family below me. It makes me feel naked, or suspended in air, or -as if there was no ground under my feet. It makes me gasp!” - </p> -<p> -“That is nonsense!” I said. “That is the beauty of having a house. We have -it all to ourselves. Now, in a flat—” - </p> -<p> -“We had our flat all to ourselves, John,” she reminded me; “but a flat -isn't so unbounded as a house. Just think; there is nothing between us and -the top of the sky! Not a single family! It makes me nervous. And there is -nothing beneath us!” - </p> -<p> -“Now, my dear,” I said soothingly, “China is beneath us, and no doubt a -very respectable family is keeping house directly below.” - </p> -<p> -Isobel sighed contentedly. -</p> -<p> -“I am so glad you thought of that!” she cried. “Now, when I feel lonely, I -can imagine I feel the house jar as the Chinese family move their piano, -or I can imagine that I hear their phonograph.” - </p> -<p> -“Very good,” I said; “and if you can imagine all that, why cannot you -imagine a family overhead, too? The whole attic is there. Very well; I -give up the entire attic to your imagination.” - </p> -<p> -Then I kissed her and went into the back garden. My opinion is that the -man that laid out that back garden was over-sanguine. I am passionately -fond of gardening, and believe in back gardens; but at the present price -of seed and the present hardness of hoe handles, I think that back garden -is too large. This is not a mere flash opinion, either; it is a matter of -study. The first day I stuck spade into that garden I had given little -thought to its size, but by the time I had spaded all day I began to have -a pretty well-defined opinion of gardens and how large they should be, and -by the end of the third day of spading I believe I may say I was well -equipped to testify as an expert on garden sizes. That was the day the -blisters on my hands became raw. -</p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> </a> -</p> -<div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> -<img src="images/25.png" alt="25" width="100%" /><br /> -</div> -<p> -The day after my little conversation with Isobel I returned home from -business to find her awaiting me at the gate. She wore a bright smile, and -she put her hand through my arm and hopped into step with me. -</p> -<p> -“John,” she said cheerfully, “the Prawleys moved in to-day.” - </p> -<p> -“The Prawleys? Who are the Prawleys, and what did they move into?” I -asked. -</p> -<p> -“Why, how do I know who they are, John?” she said. “I suppose we will know -all about them soon enough, but you can't expect me to learn all about a -family the day they move in. And as for what they moved into, of course -there was only one vacant flat.” - </p> -<p> -“Flat? One vacant flat? What flat?” I asked. I was afraid Isobel was not -entirely herself. -</p> -<p> -“The one above us,” she said, and then as she saw the blank look on my -face she said: “The—the—oh, John, <i>don't</i> you understand? -The attic!” - </p> -<p> -“Hum!” I said suspiciously, looking at Isobel; but her face was so bright, -and she looked so thoroughly contented that I did not tell her what I -thought of this sort of pretending. Too much of it is not good for a -person. “Very well,” I said; “I only hope they will not be too noisy.” - </p> -<p> -“I don't think they will,” said Isobel, smiling. “At least not while you -are home.” She helped me off with my light coat, and when we were seated -at the table she said: “By the way, Mr. Millington leaned over the fence -this afternoon, and said he hoped you would take a little ride to Port -Lafayette with him soon. He says his automobile is in almost perfect shape -now.” - </p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a> -</p> -<div style="height: 4em;"> -<br /><br /><br /><br /> -</div> -<h2> -II. MR. PRAWLEY'S GARDEN -</h2> -<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>SOBEL was brighter at dinner than she had been for some days. She seemed -quite contented, now that the imaginary Prawleys had moved into the attic. -She said no more about them, and when I had finished my dinner I put on my -gardening togs and went out to garden awhile before dark. Blisters are -certainly most painful after a day of rest, and I did not work long. I was -almost in despair about the garden. Fully half had not been touched, and -what I had already done looked ragged and as if it needed doing over -again. The more I dug, the more great chunks of sod I found buried in it, -and it seemed as if my garden, when I had dug out all the chunks of sod, -would be a pit instead of a level. It threatened to be a sunken garden. -</p> -<p> -“Isobel,” I said angrily, when the sun had set and I was once more sitting -in the chair on my veranda, with my hands wrapped in wet handkerchiefs, -“you know how passionately fond of gardening I am, and how I longed and -pined for a garden for two full years, and you know, therefore, that it -takes a great deal of gardening to satisfy me; but I must say that the man -who laid out that garden must have been a man of shameful leisure. He laid -out a garden twice as large as any garden should be.” - </p> -<p> -“Then why do you try to work it all?” she asked. -</p> -<p> -“Oh, work it!” I exclaimed with some irritation. “I can't let half a -garden go to weeds! That would look nice, wouldn't it! I'll work it all -right! You don't care how I suffer and struggle. You sit here—” - </p> -<p> -The next evening when I reached home -</p> -<p> -I did not feel particularly happy. My hands were quite raw, and my back -had sharp pains and was stiff, and I spoke gruffly to Millington when he -suggested an automobile ride to Port Lafayette for that evening. -</p> -<p> -“No!” I said shortly. “You ought to know I can't go. I've got to kill -myself in that garden!” - </p> -<p> -But I was resolved Isobel should never see me conquered by a patch of -ground, and after dinner I went out with my spade and hoe. When my glance -fell on the garden I stopped short. I was very angry. -</p> -<p> -“Isobel?” I called sharply. -</p> -<p> -She came tripping around the house and to my side. -</p> -<p> -“Who did that?” I asked severely. I was in no mood for nonsense. -</p> -<p> -She looked at the garden. One half of it—not the half I had -struggled with, but the other 'half—had been spaded, crushed, -ridged, planted, and left in perfect condition. The small cabbage plants -had been carefully watered. Not a grain of earth was larger than a pin -head. Not a blade of grass stuck up anywhere. Isobel looked at the garden, -and then at me. -</p> -<p> -“I warned him!” she said. “I warned him you would be angry when you came -home! I told him you wanted to garden that half of the garden, too, and -that you would probably go right up and give him a piece of your mind, but -he insisted that he had a right to half the garden, and—” - </p> -<p> -“<i>Who</i> insisted that he had a right to half my garden?” I demanded. -</p> -<p> -“Why,” said Isobel, as if surprised at the question, “Mr. Prawley did.” - </p> -<p> -“Prawley? Prawley? I don't know any Prawley!” - </p> -<p> -“Don't you know the Prawleys that moved into the flat above us?” said -Isobel. “And he is a very nice man, too,” she continued. “He was not at -all rude. He merely insisted, in a quiet way, that as he was a tenant and -as there was only one back garden, and two families in the house, he was -entitled to half the garden.” - </p> -<p> -She did not give me a chance to speak, but ran on in that vein, while I -stood and looked at the garden and, among other things, thought of my -blistered hands and my lame back. -</p> -<p> -“Well and good, Isobel,” I said at length. “I do not wish to have anything -to say to the Prawleys, nor do I wish to quarrel with them, and since he -demands half the garden you may tell him he is welcome to it. I cannot -conceal that in taking half of it away from me he has robbed me of just -that much passionate happiness, and you may tell him I do not like the way -he gardens, but I will say no more about it!” - </p> -<p> -“Oh, you dear old John!” said Isobel. “And now you shall not touch that -miserable garden with your poor sore hands. You shall just sit on the -veranda with me and let me bathe your palms with witch hazel.” Although I -assumed an air of sternness in speaking to Isobel of Mr. Prawley I was -glad to be able to humour her, for she seemed so much happier after -beginning to pretend that the Prawley family occupied the attic of our -house. Giving in to these harmless little whims of our wives does much to -make life pleasanter for them—and for us—and as long as Mr. -Prawley left me my own half of the garden I could not be discontented. One -half of that garden was really all a man should attempt to garden, no -matter how passionately fond of gardening he might be. -</p> -<p> -It is fine to be the owner of a bit of soil and to feel the joy of -possession, but it is still more delightful to be able to see one's own -garden truck springing into life after one has dug and planted and weeded -and cultivated with one's own hands. I had no greater desire in life than -to devote all my spare time to my garden, but a man must give his health -some attention, and Isobel pointed out that if I gardened but one half of -the garden I would have time to ride to Port Lafayette with Millington in -his automobile now and then, and as Port Lafayette is on the salt water -the air would be good for me. -</p> -<p> -Port Lafayette is about eleven miles from Westcote, and I had often wished -to go to Port Lafayette, but Millington is absurdly jealous. Of course, I -could have taken Isobel by train in about one half hour, or I could walk -it in two or three hours, or drive there in an hour; but I knew that would -hurt Millington's feelings. He would take it as an insult to his -automobile. -</p> -<p> -But now I told Isobel that as soon as my garden got into reasonable shape -we would go to Port Lafayette with Millington. Isobel told me that my -health was more important than radishes, and reasoned that a few weeds in -a garden were not a bad thing. Weeds, she said, grow rapidly, while -vegetables are modest and retiring things, and she considered that a few -weeds in my half of the garden might set a good example to the vegetables. -</p> -<p> -Mr. Prawley evidently held a different view, for he did not allow a single -weed to raise its head in his half of the garden, and I told Isobel, -rather sharply, that his idea was the right one, and that I should weed my -garden every evening until there was not a weed in it. -</p> -<p> -“But, John,” she said, “I have never ridden in an automobile, and it would -be a great treat for me.” - </p> -<p> -“No doubt,” I groaned—I was weeding in my garden at the moment—“but, -treat or no treat, I am not going to have this half of the garden look -like a forest.” - </p> -<p> -“I know you enjoy it,” she began, but I silenced her. -</p> -<p> -“I am passionately fond of gardening,” I said, “and I have told you so a -million times. Now will you leave me alone to enjoy it, or won't you?” - </p> -<p> -She went into the house and left me enjoying it alone. -</p> -<p> -The very next evening, when I looked into my half of the garden, I found -it weeded and put into the best of shape, and when I hunted up Isobel, -angry indeed at having so much pleasure taken from me, she did not dare -look me in the eye. -</p> -<p> -“Isobel,” I said sharply, “what is the meaning of this?” - </p> -<p> -“John,” she said meekly, “I am afraid I am to blame. You know Mr. Prawley -does not like automobile riding—” - </p> -<p> -“I know nothing of the kind, Isobel,” I said. “I know I am passionately -fond of gardening, and that some one has robbed me of the pleasure I have -looked forward to for years: the joy of weeding my own garden on my own -land.” - </p> -<p> -“Mr. Prawley does not like automobile riding,” continued Isobel, “and he -came to me this morning and told me his health was so poor that his doctor -had told him nothing but gardening could save his life. When he showed the -garden to his doctor, the doctor told him he was not getting half enough -gardening—that he must garden twice as much. I told Mr. Prawley he -could not have your half of the garden, because you were passionately fond -of it—” - </p> -<p> -“True, Isobel!” I said, rubbing my back at the lamest spot. -</p> -<p> -“But he begged on his knees, saying that while it was only a pleasure for -you, it was life and health for him, and when his wife wept, I had not the -heart to refuse. He said he would make a fair exchange, and that as he was -an anti-vegetarian you could have all the vegetables that grew in your own -half, and all that grew in his, too.” - </p> -<p> -“Isobel,” I said, taking her hand, “this is a great, great disappointment -to me. It robs me of a pleasure of which I may say I am passionately fond, -but I cannot disown a contract made by my little wife. Mr. Prawley may -garden my half of the garden.” - </p> -<p> -I must admit that the Prawleys were ideal tenants. Not a sound came from -his floor of the house. Indeed, I did not see him nor his family at all. -But during my days in town he and Isobel seemed to have many -conversations, and she was so tender-hearted and easily moved that one by -one she let Mr. Prawley take all the outdoor work of which I may rightly -claim to be passion—to be exceedingly fond. -</p> -<p> -Mowing the lawn is one of the things in which I delight. I ardently love -pushing the lawn mower, and if, occasionally, I allowed the grass to grow -rather long, it was only because I was saving the pleasure of cutting it, -as a child saves the icing of its cake for the last sweet bite. I remember -remarking, quite in joke, one morning, that the confounded lawn needed -mowing again, and that the grass seemed to do nothing but grow, and that -I'd probably have to break my back over it when I got home that evening. -But when I reached home that evening I suspected that Isobel must have -taken my little joke as earnest, for the lawn was nicely mown and the -edges trimmed. It seemed, when I questioned Isobel, that Mr. Prawley's -doctor was not satisfied with his progress and had assured him that lawn -mowing was necessary for his complete recovery. Thus Isobel allowed Mr. -Prawley to usurp another of my pleasures. -</p> -<p> -So, one by one, the outdoor tasks of which I am so passionately fond were -wrested from me. I allowed them to go because I thought it necessary to -humour Isobel in her pretence that some family occupied a flat above us, -and all seemed well; and we were ready to go to Port Lafayette in Mr. -Millington's automobile whenever it was ready to take us, when one day in -June I happened to notice that our grass was getting unusually long and -untidy. -</p> -<p> -“Isobel,” I said, “I have humoured Mr. Prawley, abandoning to him all the -outdoor chores of which I am so passionately fond, but if he is to do this -lawn I want him to do it, and not neglect it shamefully. I will not have -it looking like this!” - </p> -<p> -“But, John—” she began. -</p> -<p> -“I tell you, Isobel,” I said, with rising anger, “I won't have it! I'll -stand a good deal, but when I have robbed myself of my greatest pleasure, -and then see the other man neglecting it, I rebel. If this goes on I'll -forget that Mr. Prawley has bad health. I'll enjoy cutting the lawn -myself!” - </p> -<p> -“John,” said Isobel, throwing her arms about my neck, “you will be so -glad! I have good news to tell you! The Prawleys have moved away! Now you -can do all your own hoeing and mowing.” - </p> -<p> -“The Prawleys have moved away?” I gasped. -</p> -<p> -“Yes,” she said cheerfully, “and now you can garden all the garden, and -cut all the lawn and rake all the walks, and weed, and do all the things -you are so fond of doing.” - </p> -<p> -“Isobel,” I said sternly, “if I thought only of myself I would indeed be -glad. But I cannot have my little wife fearing the empty flat above her. -You must immediately hire another—er—get another family.” - </p> -<p> -“But I shall not be nervous any more, John,” she said; “and it is a shame -to deprive you of the outdoor work.” - </p> -<p> -I looked out upon the large lawn and the large garden. -</p> -<p> -“No, Isobel,” I said, “you must take no chances. You may not think you -will be nervous, but the feeling may return. If you do not get a family to -move in, I shall!” - </p> -<p> -I rubbed the palms of my hands where the blisters had been, and thought of -the middle of my back where the pains and aches had congregated. I was -ready to sacrifice my passionate longing for outdoor work once more for -Isobel's sake. -</p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> </a> -</p> -<div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> -<img src="images/45.png" alt="45" width="100%" /><br /> -</div> -<p> -“Well,” she said thoughtfully, “I know of an excellent coloured man in -Lower Westcote, that we can hire by the day—I mean that we can get -to move into the flat—but I can hardly afford, with my present -allowance, to pay his wages—that is, I mean—” - </p> -<p> -“For some time, Isobel,” I said hastily, “I have been thinking your -allowance was too small. You must have a—a great many household -expenses of which I know nothing.” - </p> -<p> -“I have,” she said simply. -</p> -<p> -That evening when I returned from the city I saw that the lawn grass had -been cut so closely that it looked as if the lawn had been shaved. Isobel -ran to meet me. -</p> -<p> -“John!” she cried; “John! Who do you think has moved into the flat -overhead?” - </p> -<p> -“Dear me!” I exclaimed. “How should I know?” - </p> -<p> -“The Prawleys!” she cried. “The Prawleys have moved back again. Are you -not glad?” - </p> -<p> -I concealed my chagrin. I hid the sorrow with which I saw my passionate -fondness for outdoor work once more defeated of its object. -</p> -<p> -“Isobel,” I said, “I wish you would tell Mr. Prawley's doctor to tell Mr. -Prawley that it is imperative for Mr. Prawley's best health that Mr. -Prawley dig the grass out of the gravel walks to-morrow. Tell him—” - </p> -<p> -“I told him this evening to do the walks the first thing in the morning,” - said Isobel innocently, “and when he has done them I am going to have him -help Mary wash the windows.” - </p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> </a> -</p> -<div style="height: 4em;"> -<br /><br /><br /><br /> -</div> -<h2> -III. THE EQUINE PALACE -</h2> -<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">N</span>OW that Mr. Prawley is back,” I told Isobel, “we can take that trip to -Port Lafayette with Millington,” and it was then Isobel mentioned the -advisability of keeping a horse; but Millington and I, not being afraid of -automobiles, began to go to Port Lafayette in his automobile. As a rule we -began to go every day, and sometimes twice a day, and I must say for -Millington's automobile that it was one of the most patient I have ever -seen. Patient and willing are the very words. It would start for Port -Lafayette as willingly as anything, and go along as patiently as possible. -It was a very patient goer. Haste had no charms for it. -</p> -<p> -Millington used to come over bright and early and say cheerfully, “Well, -how would you like to take a little run out to Port Lafayette to-day?” and -I would get my cap, and we would go over to his garage and get into the -machine. Then Millington would pull a lever or two, and begin to listen -for noises indicative of internal disorders. As a rule, they began -immediately, but sometimes he would not hear anything that could be called -really serious until we reached the corner of the block. Once, I remember, -and I shall never forget the date, we went three miles before Millington -stopped the car and got out his wrenches and antiseptic bandages and other -surgical tools; but usually the noises began inside of the block. Then we -would push it home, and postpone the trip for that day, while Millington -laboured over the automobile. -</p> -<p> -“We will get to Port Lafayette yet,” he would say hopefully. -</p> -<p> -As soon as Isobel mentioned keeping a horse I knew she was beginning to -like suburban life, and I was delighted. Having lived all her life in a -flat, her mind naturally ran to theatres and roof gardens, rather than to -the delights of the suburbs, and her reading still consisted more of -department store bargain sales and advertisements of new plays than of -seed catalogues and ready mixed paints, as a good suburban wife's reading -should; but as soon as she mentioned that it would be nice to have a horse -I knew she was at length falling a victim to the allurements of our -semi-country existence. In order to add fuel to the flame I took up the -suggestion with enthusiasm. -</p> -<p> -“Isobel,” I said warmly, “that is a splendid idea! A horse is just what we -need to add the finishing touch to our happiness! With these splendid, -tree-bordered roads—” - </p> -<p> -“A horse that is not afraid of Mr. Millington's automobile,” interposed -Isobel. -</p> -<p> -“Certainly,” I said, “a horse that you can drive without fear—” - </p> -<p> -“But not a pokey old thing,” said Isobel. -</p> -<p> -“By no means,” I agreed; “what we want is a young, fresh horse that can -get over the road—” - </p> -<p> -“And gentle,” said Isobel. “And strong. And he must be a good-looking -horse. One with a glossy skin. Reddish brown, with a long tail. I would -like a great, big, strong-looking horse, like the Donelleys', but faster, -like the Smiths'.” - </p> -<p> -“Exactly,” I said. “That's the sort of horse I had in mind. And we will -get the horse immediately. I shall stay at home tomorrow and select the -kind of horse we want, unless Mr. Millington takes me to Port Lafayette—” - </p> -<p> -“Now, John,” said Isobel, “you must not be too hasty. You must be careful. -I think the right way to buy a horse is to shop a little first, and see -what people have in stock, and not take the first thing that is offered, -the way you do when you buy shirts. You know how hideous some of those -last shirts are, and the arms far too long, and we don't want anything -like that to happen when you are buying a horse. I have been talking to -Mrs. Rolfs, and she says it is mere folly to buy the first horse that is -offered. Mrs. Rolfs says it stands to reason that a man who wants to get -rid of a horse would be the first man to offer it. As soon as he learned -we wanted a horse he would rush to us with the horse, so as not to lose -the chance of getting rid of it. And Mrs. Millington says it is worse than -foolish to wait until the very last horse is offered and then buy that -one, for the man that hung back in that way would undoubtedly be the man -that did not particularly care to part with his horse, and would feel that -he was doing us a favour, and would ask a perfectly unreasonable price. -The thing to do, John, is to buy, as nearly as possible, the middle horse -that is offered. If twenty-one horses were offered the thing to do would -be to buy the eleventh horse, and in that way we would be sure to get a -good horse at a reasonable price.” - </p> -<p> -I told Isobel that what she said was perfectly logical, and that I would -get right to work and frame up an advertisement for the local paper, -saying we wanted a horse and would be glad to examine twenty-one of them. -</p> -<p> -“Now, wait a minute,” she said, when I had started for my desk, “and don't -be in too great a hurry. You know the mistake you made in those last socks -you bought, by going into the first store you came to, and the very first -time you put on those socks they wore full of holes. We don't want a horse -that will wear like that. Mrs. Rolfs says we must be very particular what -sort of man we buy our horse from. She says it is like suicide to buy a -horse from a dealer, because a dealer knows so much more about horses than -we do, and is up to so many tricks, that he would have no trouble at all -in fooling us, and we would probably get a horse that was worth nothing at -all. And Mrs. Millington says it is the greatest mistake in the world to -buy a horse from an ordinary suburban commuter. She says commuters know -nothing at all about horses and just buy them blindfold, and that, if we -buy a horse from a commuter, we are sure to get a worthless horse that the -commuter has had foisted upon him and is anxious to get rid of. The person -to buy a horse of, John, is a person that knows all about horses, but who -is not a dealer.” - </p> -<p> -“My idea exactly,” I told Isobel, and started for my desk again. -</p> -<p> -“John, dear,” said Isobel, before I had taken two steps, “why are you -always so impetuous? Of course I want a horse, and I would like to have it -as soon as possible, but I believe in exercising a little common sense. -Where, may I ask, are you going to keep the horse when you have got him?” - </p> -<p> -Now, this had not occurred to me, but I answered promptly. -</p> -<p> -“I shall put him out to board,” I said unhesitatingly, and there was -really nothing else I could say, for there was no stable on my place. I -know plenty of suburbanites who keep horses and have them boarded at the -livery stables. But this did not please Isobel. -</p> -<p> -“You must do nothing of the kind!” said Isobel firmly. “Mrs. Rolfs and -Mrs. Millington both say there is nothing worse for a good horse than to -put it out to board. Mrs. Rolfs says it is much cheaper to keep your horse -in your own bam, and Mrs. Millington says she would have a very low -opinion of any man who would trust his horse to a liveryman. She says the -horse is man's most faithful servant, and should be treated as such, and -that she has not the least doubt that the liveryman would underfeed our -horse, and then let it out to hire to some young harum-scarum, who would -whip it into a gallop until it got overheated, and then water it when it -was so hot the water would sizzle in its stomach, creating steam and -giving it a bad case of colic. And Mrs. Rolfs says the liveryman would be -pleased with this, rather than sorry, for then he would have to call in -the veterinary, who would divide his fee with the liveryman. So, you see, -we must keep our horse in our own stable.” - </p> -<p> -“But, my dear,” I protested, “we have no stable.” - </p> -<p> -“Then we must build one,” said Isobel with decision. “Mrs. Rolfs, as soon -as she heard we were going to keep a horse, lent me a magazine with a -picture of a very nice stable, and Mrs. Millington lent me another -magazine with some excellent hints on how a modern stable should be -arranged, and I think, with all the modern methods of doing things -rapidly, we might have our stable all complete in a week, or ten days at -the most.” - </p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> </a> -</p> -<div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> -<img src="images/61.png" alt="61" width="100%" /><br /> -</div> -<p> -When I looked at Mrs. Rolfs's picture of a stable I felt immediately that -it would not suit my purse. I admitted to Isobel that it was a handsome -stable, and that the cupola with the weather vane looked very well indeed, -and that the idea of having two wings extended from the main building to -form a sort of court was a good one; but I told her it would inconvenience -the traffic on the street before our house if we moved our house far -enough into the street to permit putting a stable of that size in our -back-yard. I also told her, as gently as I could, that the style of -architecture did not suit our house, for while our house is a plain house, -the stable recommended by Mrs. Rolfs was pressed brick and stained -shingles, with a slate roof. I also pointed out to Isobel that one horse -hardly needed a stable of that size, and that even a very large horse -would feel lonely in the main building. -</p> -<p> -I remarked jocosely that it would be well enough, if we could keep two or -three grooms with nothing to do but hunt through the stable, trying to -find the horse. If we could afford to do that, it would be a pleasure to -awaken in the morning and have one of the grooms come running to us with -the light of joy on his face, saying, “What do you think, sir? -</p> -<p> -“But I told her it would inconvenience the traffic on the street before -our house if we moved our house far enough into the street to permit -putting a stable of that size in our backyard.” - </p> -<p> -Isobel smiled in a wan, sad way at this, so I did not say, as I had -intended saying if she had received my joke well, that the only horse -requiring wings was Pegasus, and that he furnished his own. -</p> -<p> -Instead, I took up Mrs. Millington's article on the modern stable. It was -a masterly article, indeed, and it spoke highly of the gravity stable. No -hay forks, no pitching up forage, no elevating feed, no loading of manure -from a heap into a wagon. No, indeed! Everything must go down; the natural -law of gravitation must do the work. Three stories, with the rear of the -stable against the side of the hill. Drive your feed into the top story -and unload it. Slide it down into the second story to the horse. Through a -trap in the stall the manure falls into a wagon waiting to receive it. -</p> -<p> -There were other details—electric lights, silver-mounted chains, and -other little things—but I did not pay much attention to them. I -explained to Isobel that it would be difficult to build a firm, solid -hill, large enough to back a three-story stable against, in our backyard. -Of course, there were plenty of hills in our part of Long Island that were -lying idle and might be had at low cost, but it costs a great deal to move -a hill, and all of them were so large they would overlap our property and -bury the homes of Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington. This did not greatly -impress Isobel, however, and I had to come out firmly and tell her it -would be impossible to build a stable three stories high, with two wings, -pressed brick, shingle walls, slate roof, and a weather vane, and at the -same time erect a nice hill and buy a horse and rig, all with one thousand -dollars, which was all the money I could afford to spend. -</p> -<p> -When I put it that way, and gave her her choice of one thousand dollars' -worth of hill, or one thousand dollars' worth of stable, or one thousand -dollars' worth of assorted horse, stable, and rig, she chose the last, and -only remarked that she would insist on the weather vane and the manure -pit. She said that Mrs. Rolfs had taken such an interest, bringing over -the magazine, that it was only right to have the weather vane, at least; -and that Mrs. Millington had been so interested and kind that the very -least we could do was to have the manure pit. -</p> -<p> -“And another thing,” said Isobel, “Mr. Prawley is going to move out of the -flat overhead.” - </p> -<p> -“Great Cæsar!” I exclaimed. “Is that man quitting again? Isn't he getting -enough wages?” - </p> -<p> -“Wages?” said Isobel. “Nothing has been said about wages. But this Mr. -Prawley will not stay if we buy a horse. He says he does not mind -gardening your garden and mowing your lawn and taking all your other -outdoor exercise for you, but that a horse once reached over the side of -the stall and bit him, and he doesn't want to work—to live in a -place where horses are liable to bite him at any time without a minute's -notice.” - </p> -<p> -“Tell that fellow,” I said, “that we will get a horse that doesn't bite, -or that we will muzzle the horse, or—” - </p> -<p> -“It would be easier,” said Isobel, “to—to have a Prawley move in who -was not afraid of horses. I know of a man in East Westcote, and he has had -experience with horses—” - </p> -<p> -“Very well,” I said. “I suppose you will wish your allowance increased?” - </p> -<p> -“Yes,” said Isobel, “if the new Mr. Prawley moves into the flat overhead, -I will need about five dollars a month more than you have been allowing -me.” - </p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> </a> -</p> -<div style="height: 4em;"> -<br /><br /><br /><br /> -</div> -<h2> -IV. “BOB” - </h2> -<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE next morning I stayed at home to see about getting the stable built in -a hurry, but before I had finished breakfast Millington came over and said -it was an ideal day for a little spin up to Port Lafayette in his -automobile. He said the whole machine was in perfect order and we would -dash out to Port Lafayette, have a bath in the salt water, and come -spinning back, and he told Isobel and me to get on our hats, and he would -have the car before the door in a minute. -</p> -<p> -Isobel and I hastily finished our coffee and put on our hats and went out -to the gate, for, although we were very eager to build the stable, we did -not like to offend Millington by refusing his invitation, when he had -asked us so often to go to Port Lafayette. In half an hour he arrived at -the gate, and we climbed in. -</p> -<p> -Our usual custom, on these trips to Port Lafayette, was for Millington and -me to sit in front, while Isobel and Mrs. Millington sat in the rear. -There was a nice little gate in the rear by which they could enter. -</p> -<p> -You see, Millington's automobile was just a little old. I should not go so -far as to say it was the first automobile ever made. It was probably the -thirteenth, and Millington was probably the thirteenth owner. I know it -had four cylinders, because Millington was constantly remarking that only -three were working. Sometimes only one worked, and sometimes that one did -not. -</p> -<p> -When we were all comfortably arranged in our seats, and all snugly tucked -in, Millington cranked the machine for half an hour, and then remarked -regretfully that this was one of the days none of the cylinders was -working, and we got out again. -</p> -<p> -Mr. Rolfs had come out to see us start, and he helped Millington and me -push the automobile back to the Millington garage; and as I walked -homeward he said he had heard I was going to buy a horse, and he wanted to -give me a little advice. -</p> -<p> -“Probably you have not given much attention to the subject of -deforestation,” he said, “but I have, and it is the great crime of our -age.” - </p> -<p> -I told him I did not see what that had to do with my purchasing a horse, -but he said it had everything to do with it. -</p> -<p> -“When you buy a horse, you have to erect a stable,” he said, “and when you -erect a stable, you have to buy lumber, and when you have to buy lumber, -you suffer in your purse because the forests have been ruthlessly -destroyed. As a friend and neighbour I would not have you go and purchase -poor lumber, and with it build a stable that will rot to pieces in a few -years. You must buy the best lumber, and that is too expensive to use -recklessly. I want to warn you particularly about wire nails. Do not let -your builder use them. They loosen in a short time and allow the boards to -warp and crack. Personally, if I were building a stable I should have the -ends of the boards dovetailed, and instead of nails I should use ash pegs, -but I understand you do not wish to go to great expense, so screws will -do. Let it be part of your contract that not a nail shall be used in your -stable—nothing but screws, and if you can afford brass screws, so -much the better. But remember, no nails!” - </p> -<p> -I thanked Rolfs, and when Millington came over to invite me to take a -little run up to Port Lafayette the next morning I told him what Mr. Rolfs -had said. -</p> -<p> -“Now that is just like Rolfs,” he said, “impractical as the day is long. -Screws would not do at all. The carpenters would drive the screws with a -hammer, and the screws would crack the wood. Take my advice and let it be -part of your contract that not a screw is to be used in your stable; -nothing but wire nails. <i>But</i> stipulate long wire nails; wire nails -so long that they will go clear through and clinch on the other side, and -then see that each and every nail is clinched. If you do this you will -have no trouble with split lumber and not a board will work loose.” - </p> -<p> -When I spoke to the builder about the probable cost of the stable, I was -sorry I had been so lenient with Isobel, and that I had not put my foot -down on the weather vane at once. A weather vane does not add to the -comfort of a family horse, and the longer I spoke with the builder the -surer I became that what I needed was not a lot of gimcracks, but a plain, -simple, story-and-a-half affair, with the chaste architectural lines of a -dry-goods box. I mentioned, casually, the hints Mr. Rolfs and Mr. -Millington had given me, but the builder did not seem very enthusiastic -about them. He snorted in a peculiar way and then said that if I was going -in for that sort of thing I could get better results by having no nails or -screws at all. He said I could have holes bored in the boards with a -gimlet, and have the stable laced together with rawhide thongs, but that -when I got ready to talk business in a sensible way, I could let him know. -He said this was his busy day, and that his office was not a lunatic -asylum. -</p> -<p> -I managed to calm him in less than half an hour, and he remained quite -docile until I mentioned Isobel and said she hoped he would have the -stable ready for the horse within a week. It took me much longer to calm -him that time. For a few moments I feared for his reason. But he quieted -down. -</p> -<p> -Then I showed him a plan I had drawn, showing the working of the manure -dump, and this had quite a different effect on him. It pleased him -immensely, as I could see by his face. I explained how it operated; how -throwing a catch allowed one end of the stall floor to drop, while the -other end of the stall floor was held in place by hinges, and he said it -was certainly a new idea. He asked me whether it was Mr. Rolfs's idea or -Mr. Millington's, and when I told him I had worked out the plan myself, he -said he had rather thought so. -</p> -<p> -“It is just such a plan as I should expect a man of your intelligence to -work out,” he said. -</p> -<p> -Then he asked to see my bank-book, and when I had shown him just how much -money I had, he said the best way to build the stable was by the day. If -it was built by the job, he explained, a builder naturally had to hurry -the job, and things were not done as carefully as I wished them done; but -if it was done by the day, every hammer stroke would be carefully made, -and I could pay every evening for the work done that day. -</p> -<p> -About the third week of the building operations those careful hammer -strokes began to get on my nerves. I never knew hammer strokes so -carefully considered and so cautiously delivered. The carpenters were most -careful about them, and several times I spoke to the builder and suggested -that if shorter nails were used perhaps it would not take so many strokes -of the hammer to drive them in. I told him, if he was willing, I was -willing to have the rest of the stable done by the job, but he said it had -gone too far for that. -</p> -<p> -There were two men working on my stable—“two souls with but a single -thought,” Isobel called them—and they were hard thinkers. The two of -them would take hold of a board, one at either end, and hold it in their -hands, and look at it, and think. I do not know what they thought about—deforestation, -probably—but they would think for ten minutes and then put the board -gently to one side and think about another board. They did their thinking, -as they did their work, by the day. -</p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> </a> -</p> -<div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> -<img src="images/77.png" alt="77" width="100%" /><br /> -</div> -<p> -We had plenty of time in which to select our horse while our stable was -building. My advertisement in the local paper brought a horse to my door -the morning after it appeared, and no horse could have suited me quite so -well as that one, but I was resolute and firm. I told the man—he was -not a dealer nor yet a commuter, and my conversation with him showed me -that he knew just enough, and not too much, about horses—that I -liked his horse very well indeed, but that I could not purchase it.. At -this he seemed downcast, and I did not blame him. He seemed to take my -refusal as some sort of personal insult, for the horse was young, large, -strong, gentle, and speedy, and the price was right; but every time I -began to weaken Isobel said, “John, remember number eleven!” and I -refrained from purchasing that horse. I finally sent the man away with -warm expressions of my esteem for him as a man, but that did not seem to -cheer him much. -</p> -<p> -An hour later another man brought another horse, and I sent him away also, -as was my duty, for he was only number two; but he was hardly gone when -horse number one appeared again. I saw at once that I was going to have -trouble with that man. He was so sure he had the horse I wanted that he -would not go away and stay away. He kept coming back, and each time he -went away sadder than before. He was a sad-looking man, anyway, and he -would sit in his buggy and talk to me until another horse was driven up, -and then he would sigh and drive down to the corner, and sit and look at -me reproachfully until the other man drove away again. Then he would drive -back and reproach me, with tears in his eyes, for not buying his horse. By -lunch time I was almost worn out, and I told Isobel as much when I looked -out of the window and saw that handsome horse and his sad driver waiting -patiently at my gate. I told her I was tempted to take that horse, Mrs. -Rolfs or no Mrs. Rolfs. -</p> -<p> -“Take that horse?” said Isobel, as if my words surprised her. “Why, of -course we are going to take that horse!” - </p> -<p> -“But, my dear,” I said, “after what you told me about taking the eleventh -horse?” - </p> -<p> -“Certainly,” said Isobel. “What is this but the eleventh horse? It came -first, and then another horse came, and then this one came third, and then -some other horse came, and then this one came fifth, and so on, and now it -is standing there at the gate, the eleventh horse. Certainly we will buy -this horse.” - </p> -<p> -“Isobel,” I said, “we might quite as well have bought it the first time it -was driven to our gate as this time.” - </p> -<p> -“Not at all,” she said; “that would have been an altogether different -thing. If we had taken the first horse that was offered we would have -regretted it all our lives; but now we can take this horse and feel -perfectly safe.” - </p> -<p> -Bob—that was the name of the horse—fitted into our stable -pretty well. He had to bend rather sharply in the middle to get out of his -stall, but he was quite limber for a horse of his age and size, so he -managed it very well. A stiffer horse might have broken in two or have -been permanently bent. The stall was so economically built that a large, -long horse like Bob stuck out of it like a long ship in a short dock; he -stuck out so far that we had to go around through the carriage room to get -on the other side of him. Our new Mr. Prawley did not mind this. He was -willing to spend all the time necessary going from one bit of work to -another. -</p> -<p> -There was one advantage in having the stable and everything about it on a -small scale—it lessened the depth of the manure pit. The very first -night we put Bob in his stall we heard a loud noise in the stable. Isobel -suggested that we had overfed Bob, and that he had swelled out and pressed -out the sides of the stable, but I thought it more likely that the -weather-boarding had slipped loose. I had seen the thoughtful carpenters -putting that weather-boarding on the stable. But Isobel and I were both -wrong. Bob had merely dropped into the manure pit. -</p> -<p> -I was glad then that I had chosen a strong horse, for he did not seem to -mind the drop in the least. He stood there with his front feet in the -basement, as you might say, and with his rear feet upstairs, quite as if -that was his usual way of standing. After that he often fell into the -manure pit, and he always took it good-naturedly. He got so he expected -it, after awhile, and if his stall floor did not drop once a day, he -became restless and took no interest in his food. Usually, during the day, -Bob and Mr. Prawley dropped into the basement together while Mr. Prawley -was currying Bob, but at night, when we heard Bob calling us in the -homesick, whinnying tone, and kicking his heels against the side of the -stable, we knew what he wanted, and to prevent him kicking the stable to -ruins, we—Isobel and I—would go out and drop him into the -basement a couple of times. Then he would be satisfied. -</p> -<p> -There was but one thing we feared: Bob might become so fond of having his -forefeet in the basement and his rear feet upstairs, that he would stand -no other way, and in course of time his front legs would have to lengthen -enough to let his head reach his manger, or his neck would have to -stretch. Either would give him the general appearance of a giraffe. While -this would be neat for show purposes, it would attract almost too much -attention in a family horse. I have no doubt this is the way the giraffe -acquired its peculiar construction, but we were able to avoid it, for we -awoke one night when Bob made an unaided descent into the manure pit, and -when we went to aid him we found he had descended at both ends, on account -of the economical hinges used on the drop floor of the stall of our equine -palace. Bob showed in every way that he had enjoyed that drop more than -any drop he had ever taken, but I drew the line there. I had other things -to do more important than conducting a private Coney Island for a horse. -If Bob had been a colt I might not have been so stern about it, but I will -not pamper a staid old family horse by operating shoot-the-chutes and -loop-the-loops for him at two o'clock in the morning. -</p> -<p> -“Isobel,” I said, “if that horse is to continue in my stable you may tell -Mr. Prawley that it is necessary for his health that he sleep in the -stable-loft hereafter. It will be good exercise for him to get up at -midnight and pull Bob out of the manure pit.” - </p> -<p> -“This present Mr. Prawley will not do it,” said Isobel. “He has a wife and -family at East Westcote, and he—” - </p> -<p> -“Very well,” I said, “then get another Mr. Prawley!” - </p> -<p> -Of the new Mr. Prawley it is necessary to speak a few words. -</p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> </a> -</p> -<div style="height: 4em;"> -<br /><br /><br /><br /> -</div> -<h2> -V. THE NEW MR. PRAWLEY -</h2> -<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE new Mr. Prawley (by this time a family, but we still clung to the name -Prawley, just as all coloured waiters are called “George”) was a most -unusual man. -</p> -<p> -For a month before we hired him he had been trying to undermine Isobel's -faith in the Mr. Prawley from East Westcote. He had called at the house -two or three times a week. At first he merely asked for the job of -man-of-all-work, as any applicant might have asked for it, but he soon -began speaking of our Prawley in the most damaging terms. I believe there -was hardly a crime or misdemeanour that he did not lay at the door of our -Mr. Prawley, and so insistent was he that Isobel and I had ceased to speak -of him as living in our attic. -</p> -<p> -Isobel decided the two men must be deadly enemies, and that this fellow -was set on hounding our Mr. Prawley from pillar to post, like an avenging -angel. She concluded that this man must have been frightfully wronged by -our Mr. Prawley, and that he had sworn to dog his footsteps to the grave. -</p> -<p> -But when she let our Mr. Prawley go and hired this new Mr. Prawley, his -interest in his predecessor ceased entirely. In place of the eager, -longing look his face had worn, he now wore a thin, satisfied look, which -I can best describe as that of a hungry jackal licking his chops. Mr. -Prawley—his name, he told us, was Duggs, Alonzo Duggs, but we called -him Mr. Prawley—was a tall, lean, villanous-looking fellow, with a -red, pointed beard, and at times when he leaned on the division fence and -looked into Mr. Millington's yard I could see his fingers opening and -shutting like the claws of a bird of prey. He seemed to hate Mr. -Millington With a deep but hidden hatred, and often, when Mr. Millington -was preparing to take Isobel and me to Port Lafayette, Mr. Prawley would -stand and grit his teeth in the most unpleasant manner. When I spoke to -Mr. Prawley about it he said, “It isn't Mr. Millington. It is the -automobile. I hate automobiles!” - </p> -<p> -For that matter, I was beginning to hate them myself. Many a pleasant ride -behind Bob did I have to sacrifice because Millington insisted that we -take a little run up to Port Lafayette with him and Mrs. Millington. We -would all get into his car, and Millington would pull his cap down tight, -and begin to frown and cock his head on one side to hear signs of asthma -or heart throbs or whatever the automobile might take a notion to have -that day. And off we would go! -</p> -<p> -I tell you, it was exhilarating. After all there is nothing like motoring. -We would roll smoothly down the street, with Millington frowning like a -pirate all the way, and then suddenly he would hear the noise he was -listening for, and he would stop frowning, and jerk a lever that stopped -the car, and hop out with a satisfied expression, and begin to whistle, -and open the car in eight places, and take out an assorted hardware store, -and adhesive tape, and blankets, and oil cans, and hatchets, and axes, and -get to work on the car as happy as a babe; and Mrs. Millington and Isobel -and I would walk home. -</p> -<p> -The sight of an automobile seemed to madden Mr. Prawley, but otherwise he -was the meekest of men, and a good example of this was the manner in which -he behaved at our Christmas party. -</p> -<p> -The idea of having a good, old-fashioned Christmas house party for our -city friends was Isobel's idea, but the moment she mentioned it I adopted -it, and told her we would have Jimmy Dunn out. Jimmy Dunn is one of those -rare men that have acquired the suburban-visit habit. Usually when we -suburbanites invite a city friend to spend the week-end with us, the city -friend balks. -</p> -<p> -Into his frank eyes comes a furtive, shifty look as he tries to think of -an adequate lie to serve as an excuse for not coming, but Jimmy was taken -in hand when he was young and flexible, and he has become meek and docile -under adversity, as I might say. When any one invites Jimmy to the suburbs -he hardly makes a struggle. I suppose it is because of the gradual -weakening of his will power. -</p> -<p> -“Good!” I said. “We will have Jimmy Dunn out over Christmas.” - </p> -<p> -“Oh! Jimmy Dunn!” scoffed Isobel gently. “Of course we will have Jimmy, -but what I mean is to have a lot of people—ten at least—and we -must have at least two lovers, because they will look so well in that -little alcove room off the parlour, and we can go in and surprise them -once in a while. And we will have a Santa Claus, and lots of holly and -mistletoe, and a tree with all sorts of foolish presents on it for every -one, and—” - </p> -<p> -“Splendid!” I cried less enthusiastically. -</p> -<p> -“Now as for the ten—” - </p> -<p> -“Well,” said Isobel, “we will have Jimmy Dunn—” - </p> -<p> -“That is what I suggested,” I said meekly. “We will have Jimmy Dunn,” - repeated Isobel, “and then we will have—we will have—I wonder -who we could get to come out. Mary might come, if she wasn't in Europe.” - </p> -<p> -“That would make two,” I said cheerfully, “if she wasn't in Europe.” “And -we must have a Yule-log!” exclaimed Isobel. “A big, blazing Yule-log, to -drink wassail in front of, and to sing carols around.” I told Isobel that, -as nearly as I could judge, the fireplaces in our house had not been -constructed for big, blazing Yule-logs. I reminded her that when I had -spoken to the last owner about having a grate fire he had advised us, with -great excitement, not to attempt anything so rash. He had said that if we -were careful we might have a gas-log, provided it was a small one and we -did not turn on the gas full force, and were sure our insurance was placed -in a good, reliable company. He had said that if we were careful about -those few things, and kept a pail of water on the roof in case of -emergency, we might use a gas-log, provided we extinguished it as soon as -we felt any heat coming from it. I had not, at the time, thought of -mentioning a Yule-log to him, but I told Isobel now that perhaps we might -be able to find a small, gas-burning Yule-log at the gas company's office. -Isobel scoffed at the idea. She said we might as well put a hot-water -bottle in the grate and try to be merry around that. -</p> -<p> -“I don't see,” she said, “why people build chimneys in houses if it is -going to be dangerous to have a fire in the fireplace.” - </p> -<p> -“They improve the ventilation, I suppose,” I said, “and then, what would -Santa Claus come down if there were no chimneys?” - </p> -<p> -I frequently drop these half-joking remarks into my conversations with -Isobel, and not infrequently she smiles at them in a faraway manner, but -this time she jumped at the remark and seized it with both hands. -</p> -<p> -“John!” she cried, “that is the very, very thing! We will have Santa Claus -come down the chimney! And you will be Santa Claus!” I remained calm. Some -men would have immediately remembered they had prior engagements for -Christmas. Some men would have instantly declared that Santa Claus was an -unworthy myth. But not I! I dropped upon my hands and knees and gazed up -the chimney. When I withdrew my head, I stood up and grasped Isobel's -hand. -</p> -<p> -“Fine!” I cried with well-simulated enthusiasm. “I'll get an automobile -coat from Millington, and sleigh bells and a mask with a long white beard—” - </p> -<p> -“And a wig with long white hair,” Isobel added joyously. -</p> -<p> -“And while our guests are all at dinner,” I cried, “I will steal away from -the table—” - </p> -<p> -“John!” exclaimed Isobel. “You can't be Santa Claus! Can't you see that it -would never, never do for you to leave the table when your guests were all -there? You cannot be Santa Claus, John!” - </p> -<p> -“Oh, Isobel!” - </p> -<p> -“No,” she said firmly, “you cannot be Santa Claus. Jimmy Dunn must be -Santa Claus!” - </p> -<p> -We had Jimmy Dunn out the next Sunday and broke it to him as gently as we -could, and explained what a lot of fun it would be for him, and how I -envied him the chance. For some reason he did not become wildly -enthusiastic. Instead he kneeled down, as I had done, and put his head -into the fireplace, in his usual slow-going manner, and looked up to where -the small oblong of blue sky glowed far, far above him. -</p> -<p> -When he withdrew his head, he began some maundering talk about, an uncle -of his in Baltimore who was far from well, and who was likely to be -extremely dead or sick or married about Christmas time, but I had had too -much experience with such excuses to pay any attention to him. Isobel and -I gathered about him and talked as fast as we could, with merry little -laughs, and presently Jimmy seemed more resigned, and said he supposed if -he had to be Santa Claus there was no way out of it if he wanted t o keep -our friendship. So when he suggested getting an automobile coat to wear, -we hailed it as a splendidly original idea, and patted him on the back, -and he went away in a rather good humour, particularly when we told him he -need not come all the way down from the top of the chimney, but could get -into the chimney from the room above the parlour. I told him it would be -no trouble at all to take out the iron back of the fireplace, for it was -almost falling out, and that we would have a ladder in the chimney for him -to come down. -</p> -<p> -It was Mrs. Rolfs who changed our plans. -</p> -<p> -As soon as she heard we were going to have a Santa Claus, she brought over -a magazine and showed Isobel an article that said Santa Claus was lacking -in originality, and that it was much better to have two little girls -dressed as snow fairies distribute the presents from the tree, and Mrs. -Rolfs said she was willing to lend us her two daughters, if we insisted. -So we had to insist. -</p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"> </a> -</p> -<div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> -<img src="images/99.png" alt="99" width="100%" /><br /> -</div> -<p> -By the merest oversight, such as might occur in any family excited over -the preparations for a Christmas party, Isobel forgot to tell Jimmy Dunn -that the plan was changed. She had enough to think of without thinking of -that, for she found, at the last moment, that she could not pick up a -regularly constituted pair of lovers for the little alcove room, and she -had to patch up a temporary pair of lovers by inviting Miss Seiler, -depending on Jimmy Dunn to do the best he could as the other half of the -pair. Of course Jimmy Dunn does not talk much, and it was apt to be a -surprise to him to learn he was scheduled to make love, but Miss Seiler -talks enough for two. When Jimmy arrived, about four o'clock Christmas -eve, Isobel let him know he was to be a lover, but he was then in the -house, and it was too late for him to get away. -</p> -<p> -Isobel had done nobly in securing guests. Jimmy and Miss Seiler were the -only guests from the city, but she had captured some suburbanites. Ten of -us made merry at the table—that is, all ten except Jimmy. I was -positively ashamed of Jimmy. There we were at the culminating hours of the -merry Yule-tide, gathered at the festive board itself, with a bowl of -first-rate home-made wassail with ice in it, and Jimmy was expected to -smile lovingly, and blush, and all that sort of thing, and what did he do? -He sat as mute as a clam, and started uneasily every time a new course -appeared. Before dessert arrived he actually arose and asked to be -excused. -</p> -<p> -Now, if <i>you</i> intended making a fool of yourself in a friend's house -by impersonating Santa Claus and coming down a chimney in a fur automobile -coat, and nonsense like that, <i>you</i> would have sense enough to -remember which room upstairs had the chimney that led down into the -parlour fireplace, wouldn't you? So I blame Jimmy entirely, and so does -Isobel. Jimmy says—of course he had to have some excuse—that -we might have told him we had given up the idea of having Santa Claus come -down the chimney, and that if we had wanted him to come down any -particular chimney we should have put a label on it. “Santa Claus enter -here,” I suppose. -</p> -<p> -Jimmy said he did the best he could; that he knew he did not have much -time between the threatened appearance of the dessert and the time he was -supposed to issue from the fireplace—and so on! He was quite excited -about it. Quite bitter, I may say. -</p> -<p> -It seems—or so Jimmy says—that, when he left the table, Jimmy -went upstairs and got into his automobile coat of fur, and his felt boots, -and his mask, and his fur gloves, and his long white hair, and his -stocking hat, and that about the time we were sipping coffee he was ready. -He says it was no joke to be done up in all those things in an overheated -house, and he thought if he got into the chimney he might be in a cool -draught, so he poked about until he found a fireplace and backed carefully -into it, and pawed with his left foot for the top rung of the ladder. That -was about the time we arose from the table with merry laughs, as nearly as -Isobel and I can judge. -</p> -<p> -No one missed Jimmy, except Miss Seiler, and she was so unused to being -made love to as Jimmy made love that she thought nothing of a temporary -absence. It was not until I took Jimmy's present from the tree and sent -one of the Rolfs fairies to hand it to Jimmy that we realized he was not -in the parlour, and then Isobel and I both felt hurt to think that Jimmy -had selfishly withdrawn from among us when we had gone to all the trouble -of getting the other half of a pair of lovers especially on his account. -It was not fair to Miss Seiler, and I told Jimmy so the next time I saw -him. -</p> -<p> -When the Rolfs fairy had looked in all the rooms, upstairs and down, and -had not found Jimmy, she came back and told Isobel, and that was when -Isobel remembered she had forgotten to tell Jimmy we had given up the idea -of having a Santa Claus. Isobel looked up the parlour chimney, but he was -not there, and then we all started merrily looking up chimneys. We found -Santa Claus up the library chimney almost immediately. He was still -kicking, but not with much vim—more like a man that is kicking -because he has nothing else to do than like a man that enjoys it. -</p> -<p> -I think we must have been gathering around the Christmas tree to the -cheery music of a carol when Santa Claus put his foot on a loose brick in -the fireplace and slipped. I claim that if Santa Claus had instantly -thrown his body forward he would have been safe enough, but Santa Claus -says he did not have time—that he slid down the chimney immediately, -as far as his arms would let him. He says that when he caught the edge of -the hearth with his hands he did yell; that he yelled as loud as any man -could who was wrapped in a fur coat and had his mouth full of white -horse-hair whiskers and his face covered by a mask. I say that proves he -yelled just as we were singing the carol. He should have yelled a moment -sooner, or should have waited half an hour, until the noise in the parlour -abated. Santa Claus says he tried to stay there half an hour, but the two -bricks he had grasped did not want to wait. They wanted to hurry down the -chimney without further delay, and they had their own way about it. So -Santa Claus went on down with them. -</p> -<p> -I tell Santa Claus that even if we were singing carols we would have heard -him if he had fallen to the library floor with a bump, and that it was his -fault if he did not fall heavily, but he blames the architect. He says -that if the chimney had been built large enough he would have done his -part and would have fallen hard, but that when he reached the narrow part -of the chimney he wedged there. I said that was the fault of wearing an -automobile coat that padded him out so he could not fall through an -ordinary chimney, and I asked him if he thought any man who meant to fall -down chimneys had ever before put on an automobile coat to fall in. -</p> -<p> -Certainly I, the host, could not be expected to stop the laughter and -merriment when I was taking presents from the tree, and bid every one be -silent and listen for the muffled tones of a Santa Claus in the library -chimney. I do not say Santa Claus did not yell as loudly as he could. -Doubtless he did. And I do not say he did not try to get out of the -chimney. He says he did, but that with his arms crowded above his head he -could do nothing but reach. He says he also kicked, but there was nothing -to kick. He says the most fruitless task in the world is to kick when -wedged in a chimney with a whole fur automobile coat crowded up under the -arms and nothing below to kick but air. -</p> -<p> -Luckily I was able to send for Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington, whose advice -is always valuable, since when I know what they advise I know what not to -do. Mr. Rolfs rushed in and was of the opinion that we must get a chisel -and chisel a hole in the library wall as near as possible to where Santa -Claus was reposing, but when Mr. Millington arrived, breathless, he said -this would be simple murder, for as likely as not the chisel would enter -between two bricks and perforate Santa Claus beyond repair. Mr. Millington -said the thing to do was to get a clothesline and attach it to Santa -Claus's feet and pull him down. He said it was logical to pull him -downward, because we would then be aided by the law of gravitation. Mr. -Rolfs said this was nonsense, and that it would only wedge Santa Claus in -the chimney more tightly, and that we would, in all probability, pull him -in two, or at least stretch him out so long that he would never be very -useful again. -</p> -<p> -Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington became quite heated in their argument. Mr. -Rolfs said that if a rope was to be used it should be used to pull Santa -Claus upward, but they compromised by agreeing to cut the clothesline in -two, choose up sides, and let one side pull Santa Claus upward, while the -other pulled him downward. Then Santa Claus would move in the direction of -least resistance. So they got the clothesline, and Mr. Rolfs was about to -cut it, when Miss Seiler screamed. -</p> -<p> -I was doubly glad she screamed just at that juncture, for we had all -become so interested in the Rolfs-Millington controversy that we had -forgotten how perishable a human being is, and, with two such stubborn men -as Rolfs and Millington urging us on, we might have pulled Santa Claus in -two while our sporting instincts were aroused by the tug-of-war. That was -one reason I was glad Miss Seiler screamed. The other reason was that it -showed she was doing her share of representing one half of a pair of -lovers. She had done rather poorly up to that time, but she saw that when -her lover was about to be pulled asunder was the time to scream, if she -was ever going to scream, so she screamed. So we all went upstairs and let -the rope down to Santa Claus, and the entire merry Christmas house party -pulled, and after we had jerked a few times up came Santa Claus with a -sudden bump. -</p> -<p> -At that moment Miss Seiler screamed again, and when we turned we saw the -reason, for the glass door to the little upper porch had opened and Jimmy -Dunn was entering the room. -</p> -<p> -We laid Santa Claus on the floor and let him kick, for he seemed to have -acquired the habit, but after awhile he slowed down and only jerked his -legs spasmodically. Mr. Millington explained that it was only the reflex -action of the muscles, and that probably Santa Claus would kick like that -for several months, whenever he lay down. He said if we had followed his -advice and pulled downward we would have yanked all the reflex action out -of the legs. -</p> -<p> -As soon as I pulled the mask from his face I recognized Mr. Prawley. Jimmy -slipped out of the room and walked all the way to the station, and Miss -Seiler stood around, not knowing whether she was to be half of a pair of -lovers with Mr. Prawley as the other half, or stop being a lover, or weep -because Jimmy had gone. I felt sorry for her, because Mr. Prawley was not -a good specimen of a Christmas lover just then. When we stood him on his -feet his trousers were still pushed up around his knees, and his fur coat -was around his neck. He was so weak we had to hold him up. -</p> -<p> -“What I want to know,” said Mr. Millington, “is what you were doing in -that chimney in my automobile coat?” - </p> -<p> -“Doing?” said Mr. Prawley. “Why, I'm jolly old Santa Claus. I come down -chimneys.” - </p> -<p> -“Well, my advice to you, Mr. Prawley,” I said, “is to stop it. You don't -do it at all right. Don't try it again. I've had enough of this jolly old -Santa Claus business. Who told you to do it?” - </p> -<p> -“The little gentleman with the scared look,” said Mr. Prawley, looking -around for Jimmy Dunn. “He isn't here.” - </p> -<p> -“And what did he give you for doing it?” I asked. -</p> -<p> -“Nothing!” said Mr. Prawley. “He just—” - </p> -<p> -“Just what?” I asked when he hesitated. Mr. Prawley drew me to one side -and whispered. -</p> -<p> -“He said I might wear an automobile coat. And I couldn't resist the -temptation,” said Mr. Prawley. “I've been hankering to get inside an -automobile coat for weeks and weeks, sir. I couldn't resist.” - </p> -<p> -Of course, I could make nothing of this at the time, so I merely said a -few words of good advice, and ordered Mr. Prawley never to try the Santa -Claus impersonation again. -</p> -<p> -“Of course, I'm only an amateur at it,” said Mr. Prawley apologetically, -and then he brightened, “but I made good speed as far as I got. I'll bet I -broke the world's speed record for jolly old Santa Clauses!” - </p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> </a> -</p> -<div style="height: 4em;"> -<br /><br /><br /><br /> -</div> -<h2> -VI. THE SPECKLED HEN -</h2> -<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>N order to relieve the reader's suspense, I may as well say here that -Jimmy Dunn did not marry Miss Seiler. It is too bad to have to sacrifice -what promised to be a first-class love interest, but the truth is that -there is less chance of Jimmy ever marrying Miss Seiler than there seemed -likelihood of Isobel and me reaching Port Lafayette in Mr. Millington's -automobile. -</p> -<p> -Usually when we started for Port Lafayette, my wife and Millington's wife -would dress for the matinée or church, or wherever they intended going -that day, and when Millington heard the knocking sound in his engine and -began to get out his tools, they would excuse themselves politely and go -and spend the day in the city. They usually returned in time to get into -the car and ride back to the garage. But I stuck to Millington. You never -can tell when a car of that kind will be ready to start up, and I was -really very anxious to go to Port Lafayette. I spent some very delightful -days with Millington that way, for when he was mending his car he was -always in a charming humour, and as gay and playful as a kitten. -</p> -<p> -I began to fear that one, if not the only, reason why Mr. Millington was -always in such a good humour when his car was in a bad one, was because I -had told him that I had heard of a man in Port Lafayette who had a fine -farm of White Wyandotte chickens, and that I thought I might buy some for -my place. Millington does not believe in Wyandottes. He is all for -Orpingtons. -</p> -<p> -It is remarkable how many wives object to chickens. I do not blame Isobel -for not liking chickens, for she was born in a flat, and I am willing to -make allowances for her lack of education; but why Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs. -Millington should dislike chickens was beyond my comprehension. Both were -born in the suburbs, and grew up in a real chickenish atmosphere, and -still they do not keep chickens. I must say, however, that Mr. Rolfs and -Mr. Millington are persons of greater intelligence. Almost the first day I -moved into the suburb of Westcote, Mr. Rolfs leaned over the division -fence and complimented me on my foresight in purchasing such an admirable -place on which to raise chickens. He told me that if I needed any advice -about chickens he would be glad to supply me with all I wished, just as a -neighbourly matter. He seemed to take it as a matter of course that I -would arrange for a lot of chickens as soon as I was fairly settled on the -place, and in this he was seconded by Mr. Millington. -</p> -<p> -When Mr. Millington saw Mr. Rolfs talking to me, he came right over and -said that, while he hated to boast, he had studied chickens from A to -Gizzard, and that when I was ready to get my chickens he could give me -some suggestions that would be simply invaluable. We talked the chicken -matter over very thoroughly, and I soon saw that they were men of -knowledge and deep experience in chicken matters, and when they had -decided that I would keep chickens, and what kind of chickens, and where I -should build the coop, and what kind of coop I should build, we all shook -hands warmly, and I went around front to tell Isobel. I was very -enthusiastic about chickens when I went. -</p> -<p> -After I had interviewed Isobel for three minutes I learned, definitely, -that I was not going to keep chickens. There were a great many things Mr. -Rolfs and Mr. Millington had not said about chickens, and those were the -very things Isobel told me, and they were all reasons for not having -chickens on the place at all. She also threw in an opinion of Mr. Rolfs -and Mr. Millington. It seemed that they were two villains of the most -depraved sort, who did not dare keep chickens themselves because they were -afraid of their wives, and who were trying to steal a vicarious joy by -bossing my chickens when I got them, but that I was not going to get any. -Absolutely! -</p> -<p> -Of course, I always do what Isobel tells me, and when she told me I was -not going to have chickens, I obeyed. But I merely told Mr. Rolfs and Mr. -Millington when they came over the next day, that I had been thinking the -matter over and that I was doubtful whether the south corner or the north -corner would be the best place for the coop. So we three went and looked -over the ground again. Both favoured the north corner, so I hung back and -seemed undecided and doubtful, and finally, in a week or two, they agreed -with me. -</p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"> </a> -</p> -<div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> -<img src="images/123.png" alt="123" width="100%" /><br /> -</div> -<p> -I never saw two men so anxious to have a neighbour keep chickens. They -were willing to let me have almost everything my own way. It was quite a -strain on me, for I had to think of a new objection to their plans every -day or so, but I could see the suspense was harder on Mr. Rolfs and Mr. -Millington. Every morning they came and hung over my fence wistfully, and -every evening they came over and talked chickens, and on the train to town -they spoke freely of the chickens they were going to keep. In a month they -were talking of the chickens they <i>were</i> keeping, and bragging about -them; and old-seasoned chicken raisers used to hunt them up and sit with -them and ask for information on knotty points. -</p> -<p> -Toward fall Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington were beginning to talk about the -large sums of money they were making out of their chickens, and promising -settings of their White Orpington and White Wyandotte eggs to the -commuters, and they began to be really annoying. They would stand at the -fence, hollow-eyed and hungry-looking, staring into my yard, and when I -passed they would make slighting remarks about me and the lack of decision -in my character. They said sneeringly that they did not believe I would -ever get any chickens. -</p> -<p> -“You, Millington, and you, Rolfs,” I said firmly, “should remember one -thing: I am the man who is getting these chickens, and the main thing in -raising chickens is to start right. I do not want to go into this thing -hastily and then regret it all my life. If you do not like my way, all you -have to do is to build coops yourselves and buy chickens and raise them -yourselves. Be patient. Every day I am learning more about chickens from -your conversations on the train, and when I do get my chickens you will -find I have profited by your suggestions.” - </p> -<p> -Millington and Rolfs had to be satisfied with that, so far as I was -concerned, for although I spoke to Isobel frequently on the subject of -chickens she had not changed. I silenced Millington by telling him I would -have chickens long before he ever succeeded in taking Isobel and me to -Port Lafayette in his automobile. -</p> -<p> -“If that is all you are waiting for,” he said, “we will start to-morrow,” - and so we did; but that was all. -</p> -<p> -Millington and Rolfs, during the winter, worked off some of their surplus -chicken energy writing letters to the poultry periodicals. My friends in -town began asking me why I did not keep chickens when I lived near to such -chicken experts as Rolfs and Millington, by whose experience I could -profit; but the worst came one day on the train when Rolfs actually had -the assurance to offer me a setting of his White Wyandotte eggs. I blame -Rolfs and Millington for acting in this way. No man should brag about -chickens he has not; I only bragged about those I meant to get. -</p> -<p> -By the time spring put forth her tender leaves, Rolfs and Millington were -so deep in their imaginary chicken business that they talked nothing else, -and all their spare time was spent in my yard, urging me to hurry a little -and get the chickens. -</p> -<p> -“I wish you would hurry a bit in getting those chickens of mine,” - Millington would say; “I ought to have at least ten hens sitting by this -time.” And then Rolfs would say: “He is right about that. Unless you get -my White Wyandottes soon, the chicks will not be hatched out before cold -weather. I ought to have the hens on the eggs now.” Occasionally I -mentioned chickens in an off-hand way to Isobel, but she had not changed -her views. -</p> -<p> -“Now, Isobel,” I would say, “about chickens—” - </p> -<p> -At the word “chickens” Isobel would look at me reproachfully, and I would -end meekly: “About chickens, as I was saying. Don't you think we could -have a pair of broilers to-morrow?” - </p> -<p> -As a matter of fact, this happened so often that I began to hate the sight -of a broiled chicken, and was forced to mention roast chicken once in a -while. It was after one of these times that the event happened that -stirred all Westcote. -</p> -<p> -I had reached a point where I dodged Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington when I -saw them, in order to avoid their insistent clamour for chickens, when one -evening Isobel met me at the door with a smile. -</p> -<p> -“John!” she cried. “What do you think! Our chicken laid an egg!” - </p> -<p> -“Chicken?” I asked anxiously. “Did you say chicken?” - </p> -<p> -“And I am going to give you the egg for dinner,” cried Isobel joyfully. -“Just think, John! Our own egg, laid by our own chicken! Do you want it -fried, or boiled, or scrambled?” - </p> -<p> -“Isobel,” I demanded, “what is the meaning of all this?” - </p> -<p> -“I just could not kill the hen,” Isobel ran on, “after it had been so—so -friendly. Could I? I felt as if I would be killing one of the family.” - </p> -<p> -“People do get to feeling that way about chickens when they keep them,” I -said insinuatingly. “Why, Isobel, I have known wives to love chickens so -warmly—wives that had never cared a snap for chickens before—wives -that hated chickens—and they grew to love chickens so well that as -soon as the coop was made—of course it was a nice, clean, airy coop, -Isobel—and the dear little fluffy chicks began to peep about—” - </p> -<p> -Isobel stiffened. -</p> -<p> -“John,” she said finally “you are not going to keep chickens!” - </p> -<p> -“Certainly not!” I agreed hastily. -</p> -<p> -“But of course we can't kill Spotty,” said Isobel. “I call her Spotty -because that seems such a perfect name for her. I telephoned for a roaster -this morning, because you suggested having a roaster for dinner, John, and -when the roaster came it was a <i>live</i> chicken! Imagine!” - </p> -<p> -“Horrors!” I exclaimed. -</p> -<p> -“I should think so!” agreed Isobel. “So there was nothing to do but 'phone -the grocer to come and get the live roaster, but when I 'phoned, his -grandmother was much worse, and the store was closed until she got better—or -worse—and I couldn't bear to see the poor thing in the basket with -its legs tied all that time, for there is no telling how long an old -person like a grandmother will remain in the same condition, so I loosened -the roaster in the cellar, and at a quarter past four I heard it cluck. It -had laid an egg. I knew that the moment I heard it cluck.” - </p> -<p> -“Isobel,” I said, “you were born to be the wife of a chicken fancier! You -shall eat that egg!” - </p> -<p> -“No, John,” she said, “you shall eat it. It is our first real egg, laid by -our dear little Spotty, and you shall eat it.” - </p> -<p> -“No, Isobel,” I began, and then, as I saw how determined she was, I -compromised. “Let us have the egg scrambled,” I said, “and each of us eat -a part.” - </p> -<p> -“Very well,” said Isobel, “if you will promise not to kill Spotty. We will -keep her forever and forever!” - </p> -<p> -I agreed. Isobel kissed me for that. -</p> -<p> -After we had eaten the egg—and both Isobel and I agreed that it was -really a superior egg—we went down cellar and looked at Spotty. I -should say she was a very intelligent-looking hen, but homely. There was -nothing flashy about her. She was the kind of hen a man might enter in the -Sweepstakes class, and not get a prize, and then enter in the Consolation -class and not get a prize, and then enter for the Booby prize and still be -outclassed, and then enter in the Plain Old Barnyard Fowl class and not -get within ten miles of a prize, and then be taken to the butcher as a -Boarding House Broiler, and be refused on account of age, tough looks, and -emaciation. -</p> -<p> -She was no pampered darling of the hen house, but a plain old -Survival-of-the-Fittest Squawker; the kind of hen that along about the -first of May begins clucking in a vexed tone of voice, flies over the top -of a two-story bam, and wanders off somewhere into the tall grass back of -the cow pasture, to appear some weeks later with twelve chicks of twelve -assorted patterns, ranging from Shanghai-bantam to plain yellow -nondescript. She was a good, durable hen of the old school, with a wary, -startled eye, an extra loud squawk, and a brain the size of a grain of -salt. -</p> -<p> -Spotty was the sort of hen that could go right along day after day without -steam heat or elevators in her coop and manage to make a living. As soon -as I saw her, my heart swelled with pride, for I knew I had secured a very -rare variety of hen. Since every man that can tell a chicken from an -ostrich—and some that can't—has become a chicken fancier, the -aristocratic, raised-by-hand, pedigree fowl has become as common as dirt, -and it is indeed difficult to secure a genuine mongrel hen. I was elated. -As nearly as I could judge by first appearances, I was the owner of one of -the most mongrel hens that ever laid a plain, omelette-quality egg. -</p> -<p> -When I had made a coop by nailing a few slats across the front of a soap -box, and had nailed Spotty in, I took the coop under my arm and went into -the back yard. Mr. Millington was there, and Mr. Rolfs was there, and they -were arguing angrily about the respective merits of White Wyandottes and -White Orpingtons, but when they saw me they uttered two loud cries of joy -and ran to meet me. I tried to cling to the coop, but they wrested it from -me and together carried it in triumph to the north corner and set it on -the grass. Mr. Millington pulled his compass from his pocket and set the -coop exactly as advised by “The Complete Poultry Guide,” with the bars -facing the morning sun, and Rolfs hurried into the back lot and hunted up -a piece of bone, which he crushed with a brick and placed in the coop, as -advised by “The Gentleman Poultry Fancier.” He told us that a supply of -bone was most necessary if he expected his hen to lay eggs, and that he -knew this hen of his was going to be a great layer. He said he had given -the egg question years of study, and that he could tell a good egger when -he saw one. -</p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"> </a> -</p> -<div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> -<img src="images/135.png" alt="135" width="100%" /><br /> -</div> -<p> -Millington told me his coop was not as he had meant it to be, but said it -would do until he could get one built according to scientific poultry -principles. He pointed out that the poultry coop should be heated by -steam, and showed me that there was no room in the soap box for a steam -heating plant. He said he would not trust his flock of chickens through -the winter unless there was steam heating installed. -</p> -<p> -Then Rolfs and Millington said they guessed the first thing to do, as it -was so late in the season, was to set their hen immediately, and as it -would probably take Spotty thirteen days to lay enough eggs, they told me -to run down to the delicatessen store and buy thirteen eggs, while they -arranged a scientific nest in the corner of their coop, for sitting -purposes. When I suggested that perhaps Spotty was not ready to set, they -laughed at me. They said they could see I would never make a prosperous -chicken farmer if I put off until to-morrow what the hen ought to do -to-day, and that a hen that ought to set, and would not set, must be made -to set. Millington said that he did not mind if Spotty wanted to lay. If -she felt so, she could go ahead and lay while she was taking her little -rests between sets. He said that in that way she would be doubly useful -and that, judging by appearances, she was the kind of hen that could do -two or three things at the same time. -</p> -<p> -Mr. Prawley, when he saw we were going to keep our hen, came out and spoke -to Mr. Millington, Mr. Rolfs, and me. He said he had an aversion to hens, -but that if I insisted he would devote some of his time to the hen, but -Mr. Millington, Mr. Rolfs, and I assured him we would not need his help. -We felt that the three of us, with occasional aid from Isobel, could -manage that hen. -</p> -<p> -The next day Mr. Millington and Mr. Rolfs were so swelled with pride that -they would not speak to me on the train. Millington did not ask me, that -entire day, to take a little run up to Port Lafayette in his automobile. I -heard him tell one man on the train to town that he had just set his -eighteen prize White Orpingtons, and I heard Rolfs tell another man, at -the same time, about a coop he had just had made for his White Wyandottes. -He drew a sketch of it on the back of an envelope, showing the location of -the heating plant, the location of the gasoline brooders, and the battery -of eight electric incubators. He said he saw but one mistake he had made, -which was that he had had a gravel roof put on. It should have been slate. -He was afraid the hens would fly up onto the roof and eat the gravel for -digestive purposes, and if a lot of tarry gravel got in their craws and -stuck together in a lump, his hens would suffer from indigestion. But he -said he meant to have the gravel roof taken off at once, regardless of -cost, but he had not quite decided on a slate roof. One of the slates -might become loosened and fall and kill one of his prize White Wyandottes, -which he held at seventy-five dollars each. If he could avoid the tar -trouble, Rolfs said, he ought to have twelve hundred laying hens by the -end of the summer, besides the broilers he would sell. He said he was -going straight to a distinguished chemist when he reached town to learn if -there was any dissolvent that would dissolve tar in a chicken's craw, -without harming the craw. -</p> -<p> -Then Millington drew a sketch of the automatic heat regulator he was -having made to attach to his heating apparatus. He said that ever since he -had been keeping poultry he had made a study of coop heating, and that the -trouble with most coops was that they were either too hot or too cold. He -said a cold coop meant that the chickens got chilly and exhausted their -vitality growing thick feathers when all their strength should have been -used in egg-laying, and that a hot coop meant that the chickens felt lax -and indolent. A hot coop enervated a chicken and made it too lazy to lay -eggs, Millington said, but this regulator he was having made would keep -the heat at an even temperature, summer and winter, and render the hens -bright and cheerful and inclined to do their best. Millington explained -that this was especially necessary with White Orpingtons, which are great -eaters and consequently more inclined toward nervous dyspepsia, which -makes a hen moody. He was going on in this way, and every one was hanging -on his words, when he happened to say that one thing he always attended to -most particularly was the state of his hens' teeth. He said he had, so -far, avoided dyspepsia in his hens, by keeping their teeth in good -condition. Every one knew poor teeth caused stomach troubles. -</p> -<p> -That was the end of Millington. Rolfs had been green with jealousy because -so many commuters were listening to Millington, and the moment Millington -mentioned teeth Rolfs sneered. -</p> -<p> -“How many teeth do White Orpingtons have, Millington?” he asked. -</p> -<p> -“I did not know they had any.” - </p> -<p> -Then Millington saw his mistake, and did his best to explain that as a -rule chickens had no teeth, but that he had, by a process of selection, -created a strain that had eighteen teeth, nine above and nine below, but -no one believed him, and Rolfs was crowing over him when he made his -mistake. He was bragging that he never made a mistake of that kind, -because he knew hens never got indigestion in any such way. All that was -necessary he said, was to let them have plenty of exercise, and to let -them out once in a while for a good fly. He said he let his hens out once -every three days, so they could fly from tree to tree. -</p> -<p> -Then Millington asked, sneeringly, how high his hens could fly, and Rolfs -said they were in such good condition they thought nothing of flying to -the top of a forty-foot elm tree, and Millington sneered and said any one -could guess what kind of White Wyandottes Rolfs had, when a common White -Wyandotte is so heavy it cannot fly over a rake handle. That was the end -of Rolfs, and I was glad of it, for the two of them had been getting -enough reputation on the strength of my chickens. They sneaked out of the -smoking car, and at last I had a chance to say a few words, modestly of -course, about my splendid group of six hundred Buff Leghorns. I did not -brag, as Millington and Rolfs had bragged, but stated facts coldly and -calmly, and my words met the attention they deserved, for I was not -speaking without knowledge, as Millington and Rolfs had spoken, but as a -man who owns a hen can speak. -</p> -<p> -I reached home that evening in a pleasant state of mind, for I knew how -kind hearted Isobel is, and I knew she would see, if I placed it before -her, that it was extremely cruel to keep a hen in solitary confinement, -when the hen had probably been accustomed to a great deal of society. I -felt sure that in a few days Isobel would order me to purchase enough more -poultry to allow Spotty to lead a pleasant and sociable life. But when -Isobel met me at the gate she disheartened me. -</p> -<p> -She said the grocer's grandmother had not been seriously ill, after all; -she had been in a mere comatose condition, and had come to, and the grocer -had come back, and he had called and taken Spotty. He offered to kill her—Spotty, -not Isobel or his grandmother—but Isobel could not bear to eat -Spotty so soon after she had been a member of our family, so the grocer -took Spotty away and sent up another roaster. At least he said it was -another, but after I had carved it I had my doubts. In general strength -and durability the roaster and Spotty were one. -</p> -<p> -The next morning, when I went out to see if Mr. Prawley had hoed the -garden properly, I found Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington leaning over my -fence. They were unabashed. -</p> -<p> -“I have just been looking over your place,” said Rolfs, “and I must say it -is a most admirably located place on which to keep a cow. And if you want -any suggestions on cow-keeping, you may call on me at any time. I have -studied the cow, in all her moods and tenses, for years.” - </p> -<p> -“Nonsense!” said Millington. “A man is foolish to try to keep live stock. -Live stock is subject to all the ills—” - </p> -<p> -“Such as toothache!” sneered Rolfs. -</p> -<p> -“All the ills of man and beast,” continued Millington. “What you want is -an automobile. Now I will sell mine—” - </p> -<p> -“No!” I said positively. -</p> -<p> -“You only say that because you do not know my automobile as I know it,” - said Millington. “It is a wonder, that machine is. Now, I propose that -to-morrow you and your wife take a little run up to Port Lafayette with me -and my wife. After the cares of chicken raising—” - </p> -<p> -“Very well, Millington,” I said, “we will go to Port Lafayette!” - </p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> </a> -</p> -<div style="height: 4em;"> -<br /><br /><br /><br /> -</div> -<h2> -VII. CHESTERFIELD WHITING -</h2> -<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE next morning Millington came over bright and early, and his face was -aglow with joy. -</p> -<p> -“Get ready as quickly as you can,” he said, “for I will be ready to start -for Port Lafayette in a few minutes. The automobile is in perfect order, -and we should have a splendid trip. She isn't knocking at all.” This -knocking, which was located in the motor-case, or hood, was one of the -most reliable noises of all those for which Millington listened when he -started the engine of his automobile. He was very fond of it, and it was -one of the heartiest knockings I ever heard in an automobile. It was like -the hiccoughs, only more strenuous. It was as if a giant had been shut in -the motor by mistake and was trying to knock the whole affair to pieces. -The knock came about every eight seconds, lightly at first, getting -stronger and stronger until it made the fore-end of the automobile bounce -up a foot or eighteen inches at each knock. -</p> -<p> -Millington loved all the sounds of trouble, but this knocking gave him the -most pleasure and put him in his pleasantest mood, for he could never -quite discover the cause of it. When everything else was in perfect order -the knock remained. He would do everything any man could think of to cure -it, but the machine would continue to knock. I remember he even went so -far as to put a new inner tube in a tire once, to see if that would have -any effect, but it did not. But there were plenty of other noises, too. -Millington once told me he had classified and scheduled four hundred and -eighteen separate noises of disorder that he had heard in that one -automobile, and that did not include any that might be another noise for -the same disorders. And some days he would hear the whole four hundred and -eighteen before we had gone a block. Those were his happy days. -</p> -<p> -But this morning Millington came over bright and early. Isobel was just -putting a cake in the oven, and she only took time to tell Jane, or -Sophie, or whoever happened to be our maid that week, that she would be -back in time to take the cake out, and then we went over to Millington's -garage. -</p> -<p> -Mrs. Millington, was already in the automobile, and Isobel and I got in, -and Millington opened the throttle and the machine ran down the road to -the street as lightly and skimmingly as a swallow. It glided into the -street noiselessly and headed for Port Lafayette like a thing alive. I -noticed that Millington looked anxious, but I thought nothing of it at the -time. His brow was drawn into a frown, and from moment to moment he pulled -his cap farther and farther down over his eyes. He leaned far over the -side of the car. He listened so closely that his ears twitched. -</p> -<p> -Mrs. Millington and Isobel were chatting merrily on the rear seat, and I -was just turning to cast them a word, when the car came to a stop. I -turned to Milllington instantly, ready to catch the pleasant bit of humour -he usually let fall when he began to dig out his wrenches and pliers, but -his face wore a glare of anger. His jaws were set, and he was muttering -low, intense curses. I have seldom seen a man more demoniacal than -Millington was at that moment. I asked him, merrily, what was the matter -with the old junk shop this time, but instead of his usual chipper -repartee, that “the old tea kettle has the epizootic,” he gave me one -ferocious glance in which murder was plainly to be seen. -</p> -<p> -Without a word he began walking around the automobile, eyeing it -maliciously, and every time he passed a tire he kicked it as hard as he -could. Then he began opening all the opening parts, and when he had opened -them all and had peered into them long and angrily he went over to the -curb and sat down and swore. Isobel and Mrs. Millington politely stuffed -their handkerchiefs in their ears, but I went over to Millington and spoke -to him as man to man. -</p> -<p> -“Millington,” I said severely, “calm down! I am surprised. Time and again -I have started for Port Lafayette with you, and time and again we have -paused all day while you repaired the automobile. Much as I have wished to -go to Port Lafayette I have never complained, because you have always been -better company while repairing the machine than at any other time. But -this I cannot stand. If you continue to act this way I shall never again -go toward Port Lafayette with you. Brace up, and repair the machine.” - </p> -<p> -Millington's only answer was a curse. -</p> -<p> -I was about to take him by the throat and teach him a little better -manners when he arose and walked over to the machine again. He got in and -started the motor, and listened intently while I ran alongside. Then, with -a great effort he controlled his feelings and spoke. -</p> -<p> -“Ladies,” he said between his teeth, “we shall have to postpone going to -Port Lafayette. I am afraid to drive this car any farther. There is -something very, very serious the matter with it.” - </p> -<p> -Then, when the women had disappeared, my wife walking rapidly so as to -arrive at home before her cake was scorched, Millington turned to me. -</p> -<p> -“John,” he said with emotion, “you must excuse the feeling I showed. I was -upset; I admit that I was overcome. I have owned this car four years, but -in all that time, although I have started for Port Lafayette nearly every -day, the car has never behaved as it has just behaved. I am a brave man, -John, and I have never been afraid of a motor-car before, but when my car -acts as this car has just acted, I <i>am</i> afraid!” - </p> -<p> -I could see he was speaking the truth. His face was white about the mouth, -and the tense lines showed he was nerving himself to do his duty. His -voice trembled with the intensity of his self-control. -</p> -<p> -“John,” he said, taking my hand, “were you listening to the car?” - </p> -<p> -“No,” I had to admit. “No, Millington, I was not. I am ashamed to say it, -but at the moment my mind was elsewhere. But,” I added, as if in self -defence, “I am pretty sure I did not hear that knocking. I remember quite -distinctly that I was not holding on to anything, and when the engine -knocks—But what did you hear?” - </p> -<p> -A shiver of involuntary fear passed over Millington, and he lowered his -voice to a frightened whisper. He glanced fearfully at the automobile. -</p> -<p> -“Nothing!” he said. -</p> -<p> -“What?” I cried. I could not hide my astonishment and, I am afraid, my -disbelief. I would not, for the world, have had Millington think I thought -he was prevaricating. -</p> -<p> -“Not a thing!” he repeated firmly. “Not a sound; not one bad symptom. -Every—everything was running just as it should—just as they do -in other automobiles.” - </p> -<p> -“Millington!” I said reproachfully. -</p> -<p> -“It is the truth!” he declared. “I swear it is the truth. Nothing seemed -broken or about to break. I could not hear a sound of distress, or a -symptom of disorder. Do you wonder I was overcome?” - </p> -<p> -“Millington,” I said seriously, “this is no light matter. I shall not -accuse you of wilfully lying to me, but I know your automobile, and I -cannot believe your automobile could proceed four hundred feet without -making noises of internal disorder. It is evident to me that your hearing -is growing weak; you may be threatened with deafness.” At this Millington -seemed to cheer up considerably, for deafness was something he could -understand. I proposed that we both get into the automobile again, and I, -too, would listen. So we did. It was almost pathetic, it was most -pathetic, to see the way Millington looked up into my face to see what -verdict I would give when he started the motor. -</p> -<p> -My verdict was the very worst possible. We ran a block at low speed and I -could hear no trouble. We ran a block at second speed, and no distressful -noise did I hear. We ran two blocks at high speed, with no noise but the -soft purring of motors and machinery. As Millington brought the automobile -to a stop we looked at each other aghast. It was true, too true, <i>nothing -was the matter with the automobile!</i> It sparked, it ignited, it did -everything a perfect automobile should do, just as a perfect automobile -should do it. We got out and stared at the automobile silently. -</p> -<p> -“John,” said Millington at length, “you can easily see that I would not -dare to start on a long trip like that to Port Lafayette when my -automobile is acting in this unaccountable manner. It would be the most -foolhardy recklessness. When this machine is running in an absolutely -perfect manner, almost anything may be the matter with it. My own opinion -is that a spell has been cast over it, and that it is bewitched.” - </p> -<p> -“I never knew it to come as far as this without stopping,” I said, “and to -come this far without a single annoying noise makes me sure we should not -attempt Port Lafayette to-day in this car. I shall take a little jaunt -into the country behind my horse, and—” - </p> -<p> -“But don't go to Port Lafayette,” pleaded Millington. “Perhaps the -automobile will be worse to-morrow. If she only develops some of the -noises I am familiar with I shall not be afraid of her.” - </p> -<p> -One of the pleasures of being a suburbanite is that you can have a horse, -and one of the pleasures of having a horse is that you keep off the main -roads when you go driving, lest the automobiles get you and your horse -into an awful mess. In driving up cross roads and down back roads you -often run across things you would like to own—things the -automobilist never sees—and Isobel and I had heard of a genuine -Windsor chair of ancient lineage. I imagine the chair may have been almost -as old as our horse. When Mr. Millington told me we could not go to Port -Lafayette in his automobile that day, I hurried home and had Mr. Prawley -harness Bob, and it was that day, when we were hunting the Windsor chair, -that we ran across Chesterfield Whiting. Since Isobel had begun to like -suburban life, she liked it as only a convert could, and the moment she -saw Chesterfield Whiting she declared we must, by all means, keep a pig, -and that Chesterfield Whiting was the pig we must keep. -</p> -<p> -Personally I was not much in favour of keeping a pig. I like things that -pay dividends more frequently. I would not give much for a vegetable -garden that had to be planted in the spring, worked all summer, tended all -fall, and that only yielded its product in the winter. I prefer a garden -that gives a vegetable once in awhile. Mine does that—it gives a -vegetable every once in awhile. But a pig is a slow dividend payer. -</p> -<p> -I had noticed that Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington had never urged me to get -a pig. Whenever I mentioned pig they mentioned various deadly and popular -pig diseases. They had urged me to garden, and to keep chickens, and a -horse, and a cow, and even an automobile—Millington urged me to keep -his—but never a pig! I would not hint that Rolfs and Millington were -selfish, or that they hoped to receive, now and then, milk from my cow, -eggs from my chickens, or radishes from my garden, but a neighbour may -profit in that way. On the other hand, the neighbour never profits from -the suburban pig. I believe now, however, that Rolfs and Millington wished -me to have things that would pay as they went. -</p> -<p> -But the moment Isobel saw the pig she said we must have him, because he -was so cute. I had never thought of buying a pig because it was cute any -more than I would have thought of buying a spring bonnet because it would -fatten well for winter killing, but I yielded to Isobel. -</p> -<p> -Isobel said the idea of a pig being a nuisance was all nonsense, for she -had been reading a magazine that was largely devoted to pigs and similar -objects loved by country gentlemen, and that modern science proved beyond -a doubt that the cleaner the pig the happier it was. She said a pig could -not be too clean, and that if a pig was kept perfectly tidy no one could -object to it. -</p> -<p> -“John,” she said, “there is no reason in the world why a pig should not be -as clean as a new pin. The magazine says that if a pig is usually of a -coarse, disgruntled nature, it is only because it is kept in coarse, -brutalizing surroundings, and treated like a pig. If a pig is put amidst -sweetness and light, the pig's nature will be sweet and light, and the pig -will be sweet and light.” - </p> -<p> -I suggested gently that a pig, all things considered, was usually counted -a failure if it was a light pig, and that experts had decided in favour of -the pig that became heavy and soggy. -</p> -<p> -“What I mean,” said Isobel, “is light in spirit, not light in weight.” - </p> -<p> -We were looking over the fence of a farm when we held this little -conversation, and Chesterfield Whiting was sporting on the clean, green -clover, amidst his brothers, quite unconscious that he was so soon to be -separated from them and lose their companionship. We had been attracted to -him by a very hand-made sign that announced “Pigs for Sale.” Chesterfield -was an extremely clean pig, and I must admit that I was rather taken by -his looks myself, and when we drove around to the farm house I was -surprised to learn how inexpensive a pig of tender years is, and I bought -the pig. It is hard for me to deny Isobel these little pleasures. -</p> -<p> -On our way home Isobel and I talked of the future of Chesterfield, and we -resolved that his life should be one grand, sweet song, as the poet says, -and we had hardly started homeward than it appeared as if Chesterfield -meant to attend to the song feature of his life himself. I never imagined -a pig would feel his separation from his native place so keenly. He began -to mourn in a keen treble key the moment the farmer grabbed him, uttering -long, sharp wails of sorrow, and he kept it up. Automobiles with siren -horns stopped in the road as we passed, and the chauffeurs took off their -goggles and stared at us. It was very hard for Isobel to sit up straight -in the carriage and look dignified and cool with Chesterfield wailing out -his little soul sorrows under the seat. -</p> -<p> -As we neared the outskirts of Westcote, I began to keep an eye out for pig -houses. It seemed to me that in these days of uplift the pig keepers of a -suburb such as ours, peopled by intelligent men and women, would have the -most modern improvements in pig dwellings, and I desired to make a few -mental notes of them as I passed by. If I saw a very modern pig palace I -meant to get out of the carriage and examine minutely the conveniences -installed for the pig's comfort, so that I might reproduce them. -</p> -<p> -Isobel had mentioned casually that a pig dwelling with tile floors and -walls and a shower bath would be quite sanitary, provided the tiles of the -wall met the tiles of the floor in a concave curve, leaving no sharp -angles; but as we journeyed into the village we saw no pig houses of this -kind. In fact we saw no pig houses of any kind. At first this only annoyed -me, then it surprised me, and by the time we were well into the village it -worried me. -</p> -<p> -“Isobel,” I said, “I don't like this absence of pigs in this village. I am -afraid there is something wrong here. I don't know what to make of it. It -may be that hog-cholera is epidemic here the year 'round, just as San José -scale kills all the apple trees. Have you seen a single pig?” - </p> -<p> -“Not one,” she admitted. “It looks as if there was a law against pigs.” - </p> -<p> -I stopped Bob, and looked at Isobel in amazement. -</p> -<p> -“Isobel!” I exclaimed. “You must be right! There must be a law against -pigs! I do wish Chesterfield would stop yelling!” - </p> -<p> -“John,” said Isobel, “now that I come to think of it I do not believe I -ever saw a pig in all Westcote. I wonder if we couldn't gag Chesterfield -some way? If he howls like that every one will know we have a pig.” - </p> -<p> -I gagged the pig. I took Isobel's pink veil and wrapped it firmly around -Chesterfield's nose, and brought the ends around his neck and tied them. -Then I stuck his head into the sleeve of my rain coat and wrapped him in -the coat, and tied it all in the linen dust robe. He was well gagged. -</p> -<p> -“Isobel,” I said, as I took up the reins again, “this is a serious matter. -We will have to get rid of this pig, and we will have to do it quickly. I -do not want to get into difficulties with the City of New York. Keeping a -pig in the suburbs is evidently a crime, and it is a difficult crime to -conceal. If I committed a murder and used ordinary precautions there might -be no danger of detection, but a pig speaks for itself.” - </p> -<p> -“Chesterfield does,” said Isobel. “Do you suppose they will put you in -jail?” - </p> -<p> -“<i>Me</i> in jail?” I ejaculated. “He is your pig, Isobel.” - </p> -<p> -“John,” she said generously, “I give Chesterfield to you.” - </p> -<p> -“Isobel,” I said, “I cannot accept the sacrifice. He is your pig.” - </p> -<p> -“Well,” she said, “we will go to prison together.” - </p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> </a> -</p> -<div style="height: 4em;"> -<br /><br /><br /><br /> -</div> -<h2> -VIII. SALTED ALMONDS -</h2> -<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>S we approached our house, Mr. Millington, who was in his garage, and Mr. -Rolfs, who was on his porch, came to meet us. They looked at the carriage -with suspicion, but I assumed a careless, innocent look, well calculated -to deceive them. They came down to the carriage, and laid their hands on -it, and glanced into it. Mr. Rolfs, with ill-assumed absent-mindedness, -lifted the leather cover of the rear of the carriage box and glanced in. I -was glad we had put Chesterfield Whiting under the seat. -</p> -<p> -“Shall I take in the—” Isobel began, but I cut her words short. -</p> -<p> -“No, I will take in your <i>wraps</i>,” I said meaningly, and then added: -“Well, good night, Millington; good night, Rolfs.” - </p> -<p> -They did not take the hint. They walked beside the carriage as I drove to -the stable, and although Mr. Prawley was able to do the work alone, and I -made some excuse to help him, Rolfs and Millington seemed eager to help -us. -</p> -<p> -“I worked two hours over my automobile,” said Millington, “and she is -knocking again as usual. To-morrow, I propose you and I and our wives will -take a little pig up to Port Lafayette—” - </p> -<p> -“Pig?” I said. “What do you mean by pig, Millington.” - </p> -<p> -“Did I say pig?” said Millington in great confusion. “I meant to say: -'take a little spin.'” - </p> -<p> -“John will think you think he is thinking of keeping a pig,” said Rolfs -accusingly to Millington. “He will think you are doubting his sanity. John -would no more keep a pig on this place—” - </p> -<p> -“Certainly not!” I cried. “The idea! Keep a pig!” - </p> -<p> -“Well, you know,” said Millington, and then stopped. “What is that -squeak?” he asked. -</p> -<p> -I knew only too well what that squeak was. It was Chesterfield. -</p> -<p> -“That?” I said carelessly. “Oh, that is nothing. My carriage springs need -oiling. Mr. Prawley, don't forget to oil the carriage springs to-morrow.” - </p> -<p> -“Yes, sir,” said Mr. Prawley, “but if I might suggest feeding the—” - </p> -<p> -“Ahem!” I said loudly. “Oil the springs, Prawley. To-morrow.” - </p> -<p> -“When I said 'take a little pig,'” said Millington, “I meant—” - </p> -<p> -“Millington,” I said, “I forgive you! Men will make mistakes—slip of -the tongue—Well, good night!” - </p> -<p> -“See here,” said Millington, “I know you feel some resentment.” - </p> -<p> -“No I don't! Good night!” I said angrily. -</p> -<p> -“Yes you do!” said Millington. “And I'll tell you why. You remember you -mentioned, some time ago, that you thought you would keep a pig? -Personally I would be delighted to have you keep a pig or even a lot of -pigs. You could make an infernal stock yard of your place if you wanted -to. I love pigs. If I could have my way I would have a pig pen immediately -under my window, so that when I awakened in the morning I could glance -down at the happy, contented creatures. Nothing starts the day so well as -to see contented creatures, and there is nothing so contented as a pig. If -I could have my own way I would beg you to build your pig pen immediately -under my window. But I am not a selfish man.” - </p> -<p> -“I know you are not, Millington,” I said; “but I am not considering the -purchase of a pig. Good night!” - </p> -<p> -“Of course you are not,” said Rolfs, “and I only want to say that if you -do keep a pig you can gratify Millington, for every law of pig culture -demands that you build your pig house against the western fence, and not -against my fence. The pig is a delicate creature, and his pen should be -where the invigorating rays of the morning sun can strike him. Now my -fence is the eastern fence—” - </p> -<p> -“And this man Rolfs pretends to be your friend!” exclaimed Millington -sneeringly. -</p> -<p> -“Why every one knows that unless a pig has sweet dreams he becomes moody -and listless, and loses interest in life. A pig's place of residence -should always be where the last rays of the sun can strike him—against -the eastern fence. You want to put that pen against Rolf's fence.” - </p> -<p> -At this Mr. Rolfs became greatly agitated. He glared at Mr. Millington, -and shook his fist at me. -</p> -<p> -“You'll put no pig pen on my side of your yard!” he said threateningly. -</p> -<p> -“And you keep your pig pen away from my fence,” said Mr. Millington hotly. -“I am your friend, and I start to Port Lafayette with you day after day—” - </p> -<p> -“Millington,” said Rolfs, calming himself, “we will not have a pig in this -neighbourhood at all. If this fellow attempts to keep a pig we will have -the law on him. That is what we will do!” - </p> -<p> -“That is what we will do, Rolfs,” said Millington, “at the first evidence -of a pig we will set the police on him. We won't stand it!” “Gentlemen,” I -said calmly, “I have no intention of keeping a pig. Such an idea never -entered my mind. And as for you, Millington, I know you now. You have -shown yourself as you are. Never again, Millington, shall I start to Port -Lafayette in your automobile. That is final! Good night, gentlemen!” - </p> -<p> -Millington and Rolfs went off arm in arm, and when they were out of sight -I hurriedly rescued Chesterfield Whiting, in all his wrappings, from under -the seat, and rushed him into the house. I let Mr. Prawley continue to -unharness the horse. I told Isobel what my neighbours had said. -Chesterfield, in his gags, lay at my feet. -</p> -<p> -“To-morrow, Isobel,” I said, “we must get rid of Chesterfield Whiting. In -the meantime we must keep him a dark secret. We must keep him silent, or -we are lost.” - </p> -<p> -Suddenly the dust-robe bundle at our feet began to palpitate violently. It -bounced like a fish out of water, and I made a grab for it. Chesterfield -screamed. I threw myself hastily upon him and wrapped him in my arms and -muzzled the bunch of veil that was his nose with my hand. As I stood erect -again I chanced to glance out of the window, and I saw Mr. Rolfs and Mr. -Millington in deep conversation with a policeman. From time to time they -turned and glanced at my house. Motioning Isobel to follow me, I bore -Chesterfield to the attic. We closed the windows of the trunk room in the -attic, and locked the door. Then I opened a trunk, unwrapped Chesterfield -and dropped him into the trunk, and shut the lid. And sat on it. -</p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"> </a> -</p> -<div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> -<img src="images/175.png" alt="175" width="100%" /><br /> -</div> -<p> -Isobel peeked out of the window, and told me that the policeman and Mr. -Rolfs and Mr. Millington were staring at our attic windows. -</p> -<p> -An ordinary pig would have been glad to be unwrapped and dropped into a -cozy, roomy trunk, but Chesterfield was no ordinary pig. He was a weeper. -First he wailed for his lost home. Then he screamed for his mother. Then -he shrieked for each of his dear little brothers and sisters individually. -Then he opened his lungs and squealed for all of them at once, and the -policeman took out his note-book and wrote down the number of our house. I -realized then that keeping a pig in the suburbs is attended by -difficulties. The theory of keeping your pigs cheerful and happy is all -right in a book, but it is hard to live up to when the pig is homesick and -a policeman with a note-book is on your front walk. It is well enough for -an agricultural writer to sit in his hall bedroom in the city and scribble -about uplifting the pig, and spiritualizing it, and bathing it, but did he -ever try to soothe a homesick pig in an attic? Did he ever try to bathe a -pig in a trunk? Did he ever try to scatter sunshine in a pig's life when -the pig has firmly made up its mind to mourn? Did he ever try to reason -with the pig when the pig is full of squeal, and has no desire in life but -to pour forth eons and leagues of it? -</p> -<p> -When a pig feels like that, it is useless to read it chapters from -Hamilton Wright Mabie's “Essays on Nature and Culture.” Occasionally I -opened the lid of the trunk and looked in to assure myself that there was -but one pig, and not three or four. When a pig reaches the stage where its -eyes become set and stary, and it gives forth long, soul-piercing wails, -it does not want a bath. It does not want sunshine, nor Bible classes, nor -uplift, nor simple life. It wants food. -</p> -<p> -The more I studied Chesterfield the more certain I became that if a man -wants to win the affection of a pig he can best do so, not by lifting the -pig over the edge of a porcelain bath tub every few hours to give it a -rub-down, but by standing by with a couple of tons of feed and shovelling -it down the pig with a scoop-shovel. The pig's squawker and its swallower -are one and the same instrument, and the only way to keep the squawker -quiet is to keep the swallower plugged with food. In its idle hours the -pig may long for sweetness and light, but it wants meals at all hours of -the day and night. -</p> -<p> -We found that Chesterfield preferred salted almonds to affection. He began -eating salted almonds immediately after we had fed him everything else in -the house that was edible, and by feeding him one almond at a time Isobel -was able to keep him interested. By this means she kept his mind off his -sorrows. He could not weep and chew. -</p> -<p> -Time and again, as the hours slipped by, Isobel tested Chesterfield, to -see if he was satisfied, but at each test his sorrow broke forth afresh. I -never knew a pig was so full of sorrows. I would not have believed that so -small a pig, so full of salted almonds, could have room for one small -sorrow. And yet, the moment Isobel ceased feeding him, he would run around -inside the trunk, nosing it and wailing for—I don't know what he was -wailing for! -</p> -<p> -About midnight, when Isobel was worn out, I took her place and let her go -to bed. I told her I would feed salted almonds until three, and then call -her, and she could feed until six, while I got a little sleep. About two -o'clock in the morning I gave Chesterfield his eighteenth drink of water, -and when I offered him another salted almond he seemed languid. He eyed it -covetously, opened his mouth, sighed once, and fell over sideways. His -regular breathing told me he had fallen into a deep, sweet sleep, and I -removed my shoes and stole softly downstairs. -</p> -<p> -“He has fallen asleep,” I told Isobel, “and I think he will probably take -a good nap. He has had a hard day. I left him quite comfortable and—” - </p> -<p> -“Drink! Almonds! Mother! I'm lone-lee-ee-wee-wee-wee!” wailed Chesterfield -at that instant, and I hurried up to the attic. I threw open the lid of -the trunk, and found him standing on his feet. He was still asleep, his -white-lashed eyes firmly closed in slumber, but his squealer was working -as if he were awake, and when I fed him a salted almond he munched and -swallowed it without awakening, and squealed for another. He was so sound -asleep that he could not even reach out for the almonds; I had to poke -them into his mouth. When I missed his mouth and dropped the almond on the -floor of the trunk he squealed. At last he lay down comfortably and slept -and ate almonds. -</p> -<p> -I had one great fear. I was running out of almonds. So I tried him with -wads of newspaper, and found they satisfied him quite as well. I fed him a -complete Sunday newspaper, including the coloured supplement and the -“want” advertisements, before sunrise. I imagine the newspaper was not -very nourishing, for Chesterfield awakened at sunrise with a tremendous -appetite, and let us know, plainly, that he was starving to death. I fed -him my breakfast and Isobel's while Mr. Prawley was digging up what -remained in our vegetable garden, and when Chesterfield had eaten that I -gagged him with the pink veil, and stuffed his head in the sleeve of my -rain coat once more. -</p> -<p> -“Isobel,” I said, “the time has at last come when we must cease keeping -pigs. I love to be surrounded by affection, but I believe we have kept -this pig long enough. An attic is no place in which to run a modern swine -industry. It is too far from the nearest bath tub. Bathe him now, if you -would bathe him at all, for he is going back to the farm.” - </p> -<p> -“If we packed him in a trunk,” said Isobel thoughtfully, paying no -attention to the bath suggestion, “we might send him back to the farmer by -express, and Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington would never know we had—” - </p> -<p> -“That is a good idea,” I said, “except that we do not know the name of the -farmer, and that the Interurban does not deliver express parcels twelve -miles from Westcote—” - </p> -<p> -“We might pack him in a suit case,” suggested Isobel. “If we packed him in -the suit case and pretended we were going on a picnic and that the suit -case was our lunch—I suppose Chesterfield will be some one's lunch -some day?” - </p> -<p> -“Fine!” I said, and we began pretending we were going on a picnic. I -packed Chesterfield Whiting in the suit case, and then went down and had -Mr. Prawley harness the horse. I noticed that the policeman was still -hanging near our house, and that Mr. Millington was eyeing me from his -porch. -</p> -<p> -“Ah! Millington!” I called cheerfully. “Fine day for a picnic! Isobel and -I are just off for one.” - </p> -<p> -He came running over immediately. “Admirable!” he cried. “I was just -coming over to suggest that very thing. The automobile is running -beautifully this morning, and we four can run up to Port Lafayette—” - </p> -<p> -Port Lafayette! -</p> -<p> -“Millington,” I said, assuming an angry tone, “last evening you insulted -me, and you seem to think I will forgive you thus easily. No indeed! I am -not that sort of man, Millington. I will not take Isobel to Port -Lafayette, for I have promised to let you take us there, but we will go on -this picnic behind Bob. And if you see Rolfs just tell him what a silly -ass he made of himself, thinking I would be crazy enough to keep a pig. I -may be some kinds of a fool, Millington, but I am not that kind!” - </p> -<p> -I think Millington blushed. He should have blushed. Saying I would keep a -pig, indeed! -</p> -<p> -When I returned for Isobel and carried the suit case downstairs I felt as -light-hearted as a boy. Chesterfield was so well muzzled and gagged that -he made no sound whatever, and when I stepped from my door, with Isobel by -my side, I was pleased to see Rolfs stepping from his front door, and I -hailed him. He stopped, but he looked annoyed. -</p> -<p> -“If you want to say anything ugly, say it quick,” he said, “for I'm in a -rush to catch a train, and if I just catch it, I can just catch the ferry, -to catch a train for Chicago. I can't stop now—” - </p> -<p> -“Get in the buggy,” I said heartily, “we will drive you to the station. -Isobel and I are going on a little picnic. Put your suit case in the back, -with ours. We always carry our lunch in a suit case when we go picnicing. -Hop in!” - </p> -<p> -“Well, it is kind of you,” said Rolfs rather sheepishly. “I hope you did -not feel hurt by what I said last night about pigs. I feel rather strongly -about pigs.” - </p> -<p> -“Rolfs,” I said as I gathered up the reins, “I am not a man to nurse hard -feelings, but I must say—” - </p> -<p> -“Look here!” said Rolfs, “I did not get into this buggy to listen to—” - </p> -<p> -“You can get out again,” I said inhospitably, “any time you do not like -straight, honest talk. I mean nothing unneighbourly but when a man accuses—” - </p> -<p> -Without another word Rolfs jumped out, and grabbing his suit case, walked -haughtily away. I could not forbear giving him a little dig. -</p> -<p> -“<i>Bon voyage</i>, Rolfs,” I called. “Don't get pigs on the brain -to-night again!” and Isobel and I laughed as we drove away. -</p> -<p> -When the farmer saw us drive into his yard he seemed surprised, but he was -nice about it. He said he was willing to pay us back half what we had paid -him for Chesterfield Whiting, but we would not hear of it. -</p> -<p> -“No,” I said firmly, “we have had our money's worth of pig!” - </p> -<p> -Then I opened the suit case. -</p> -<p> -It contained, among other things, a suit of pajamas, a tooth brush, four -shirts, six pair of socks, underwear, handkerchiefs, a book entitled “The -Complete Rights of the Citizen,” and twelve collars. But no pig. -</p> -<p> -All the articles were of good quality, and most had Rolf's initials on -them. I must say the suit case contained a nice assortment of -haberdashery. But no pig. Not that I blamed Rolfs for not packing a pig in -his suit case, for he was going to Chicago where there are stock yards -full of pigs, if he should happen to want one. And a suit case is no place -for a pig, anyway. Imagine the feelings of a man in a sleeping car when he -has buckled the curtains of his berth around him, and has partly undressed -behind them. And then imagine him reaching down and opening his suit case, -expecting to find a suit of pajamas, and finding, instead, a pig. Imagine -him when the pig—a Chesterfield Whiting pig—springs lightly -forth and gives voice to his homesickness! -</p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009"> </a> -</p> -<div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> -<img src="images/185.png" alt="185" width="100%" /><br /> -</div> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> </a> -</p> -<div style="height: 4em;"> -<br /><br /><br /><br /> -</div> -<h2> -IX. THE ROYAL GAME OR SEVERAL DAYS AFTER THE PIG EPISODE -</h2> -<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> refused to start for Port Lafayette in Millington's automobile, although -he used to lean over the fence and beg me almost tearfully, but one fine -morning he came over, and he looked so haggard and careworn that I took -pity on him. -</p> -<p> -“John,” he said, as he led me to his garage, which was on the back of his -lot, “I am sure this automobile of mine is bewitched. I cannot think of -anything else that would make it behave as an automobile in good health -should, and I give you my word of honour that it is acting in perfect -rhythm, never slipping a cog nor missing fire. Of course, with the machine -behaving in that unaccountable manner, I would not dare to start for Port -Lafayette, but I want to run you around to the Country Club. You ought to -be in our Country Club, and I want you to see it, and I want you to tell -me what you think about this automobile of mine. I can't understand it!” - </p> -<p> -I have often noticed three things: I have noticed that a boy is never -really happy until he owns a dog; I have noticed that a flat-dweller is -never content until he owns a phonograph; but above all I have noticed -that the commuter—the man that lives in the sweet-scented, -tree-embowered suburbs—is restless and uneasy until he joins the -Country Club. So I accepted Millington's invitation. -</p> -<p> -We ran out of his yard and half a block up the street, Millington -listening carefully all the while, and we could not hear a sound of -distress in any part of the automobile. Millington stopped the car and got -out. -</p> -<p> -“I am going to walk to the Club,” he said. “I won't trust myself in that -car. As for you, as it was entirely for your sake I proposed this little -run to the Club, I am going to put the machine in your charge, and you are -to run it around the block until it resumes its normal bad condition. From -what I know of you and the remarks you have made while I have tried to -repair the engine, I believe you will soon have it making all sorts of -noises, and,” he added, “perhaps it will be making a noise it never made -before.” - </p> -<p> -Then he showed me how to start, and what to touch if a tree or telephone -post got in my way, and then he went on to the Country Club. -</p> -<p> -I was much touched by this evidence of Millington's faith in my ability to -bring out the bad points of his automobile, and as soon as he disappeared -I set to work, and I had hardly gone twice around the block before I had -it knocking more loudly than ever I had heard it knock. But I was resolved -to show Millington that his trust was not misplaced, and I ran the nose of -the machine into a tree, threw on the high speed suddenly until I heard a -grinding noise that told me the gears were stripped. Then I left the car -there and walked on to the Country Club. -</p> -<p> -A Country Club is an institution conducted for the purpose of securing as -many new members as possible, in order that their initiation fees may pay -for the upkeep of the golf green. Aside from this, the object of the club -is to enable the men that mow the grass to make an honest living by -selling the golf balls they find while mowing the grass. -</p> -<p> -The Membership Committee, on which Millington served, is a small body of -men whose duty it is to learn, as soon as possible, who that new man is -that moved into Billing's house, and to get twenty dollars in initiation -fees from him, before he has spent all his money for mosquito screens. -</p> -<p> -When Millington said to me, in the way members of Country Clubs have, “<i>You</i> -ought to be in our Country Club,” I was tickled. I did not know then that -Millington was on the membership committee, and his willingness to admit -me to fellowship seemed to show that I had been promptly recognized as a -desirable citizen of Westcote; a man worth knowing; one of the inner -circle of desirables. What more fully convinced me was the eagerness of -Mr. Rolfs. -</p> -<p> -“We <i>must</i> have you in,” said Rolfs. “I have been speaking to several -of the members about you, and they are all enthusiastic about taking you -in. Of course, our green is a little ragged just now, but when we get your -mon—when—of course, the green is a little ragged just now, but -we expect to have it trimmed soon, very soon.” - </p> -<p> -Isobel was delighted when I told her I contemplated joining the Country -Club. She said it would do me all the good in the world to play a game of -golf now and then, and when I mentioned that I thought of taking family -membership, which would admit her to all the club privileges, she was more -than pleased. So were Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington. I forget how many more -dollars a family membership cost. They shook hands with me warmly, and -Millington said something to Rolfs about their now being able to dump -another load or two of sand on the bunker at the sixth hole. They also -said the ladies would be delighted. Many, they said, had asked them why -Isobel had not joined. -</p> -<p> -Then they mentioned earnestly that the initiation fee and the first year's -dues were payable immediately. They even offered to send in my check for -the amount with my membership application. -</p> -<p> -I had never played golf, but Millington said he would lend me an excellent -book on the game, written by one of the great players, and Rolfs offered -to pick me out a set of clubs. He was enthusiastic when we went to the -shop where clubs were sold, and I must say he did not allow the clerk to -foist off on me any old-fashioned, shopworn clubs. He said with pride, as -we left the shop, that, so far as he knew, every club I had secured was -absolutely new in model, and that not one club in the lot was of a kind -ever seen on the Westcote course before. Some he said, he was sure had -never been seen on any course anywhere. -</p> -<p> -He said my putter would create great excitement when it appeared on the -course. I must give him credit for being right. The putter was, perhaps, -too much like a brass sledge-hammer to be graceful, and I found later that -it worked much better as a croquet mallet than as a tool for putting a -golf ball into a hole, but it was fine advertisement for a new member. -Members who might never have noticed me at all began to speak of me -immediately. They referred to me as “that fellow that Rolfs got to buy the -idiotic putter.” - </p> -<p> -The golf course at our Westcote Country Club is one of the best I have -ever seen. It is almost free from those irregularities of ground that make -so many golf courses fretful. In selecting the ground the Committee had in -mind, I think, a billiard table, but as it was impossible to secure a -sufficiently large plot of ground as level as that near Westcote, they -secured the most level they could and then went over it with a steam -grader. The envious members of the Oakland Club speak of it as the -Westcote Croquet Grounds. -</p> -<p> -The first day I appeared at the club I saw that golf was indeed a -difficult game, particularly after Mr. Millington had explained how it was -worked. He began by remarking that, of course, I could not expect to do -much with “that bunch of crazy scrap iron”—that being the manner in -which he referred to the up-to-date clubs Rolfs had selected for me—and -that no man who knew anything about golf ever used the red-white-and-pink -polka-dot balls, which were the kind Rolfs had advised me to buy. Then he -looked through my clubs scornfully and selected my putter. -</p> -<p> -“Usually,” he said ironically, “we begin with a driver, and drive the ball -as far as we can from this place, which is called the driving green, but I -think this tool, in your hands, will do as well as anything else in your -collection of kitchen cutlery. What do you call this tool, anyway?” - </p> -<p> -I looked at the label on the handle and read it. I told Millington it was -a putter, but he would not believe me. I showed him the label, which said -quite plainly “putter,” but he was still skeptical. He did not deny -positively that it was a putter; he merely said, “Well, if this instrument -of torture is a putter, I'll eat it.” - </p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="linkimage-0010" id="linkimage-0010"> </a> -</p> -<div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> -<img src="images/201.png" alt="201" width="100%" /><br /> -</div> -<p> -Mr. Millington then made a little mound of sand which he took from the -green sandbox, and set one of my golf balls on top of the mound. This, I -soon learned, is called “teeing” the ball. -</p> -<p> -“Now,” said Mr. Millington, “I will explain the game. When the ball is -teed as you see it here, you take the club and hit the ball so it will -travel low and straight through the air as far as possible toward that red -flag you see yonder. The ball will alight on the fair green. You follow -it, and hit it again, and it should then alight fairly and squarely on the -putting-green. You then follow it, take the pole that bears the flag out -of the hole you will find there, and gently knock your ball into the hole. -That is all there is to the game.” - </p> -<p> -“But what shall I do,” I asked, “if my first knock at the ball carries it -beyond the flag?” - </p> -<p> -Mr. Millington glanced at the patent putter I held in my hand, and sighed. -</p> -<p> -“Excuse me,” he said, “but the rules of the game permit one to grasp the -club with both hands.” - </p> -<p> -“I guess,” I said airily, “until I get the swing of it I will grasp the -club with one hand. I only use one hand in playing croquet.” - </p> -<p> -“In that case,” said Mr. Millington, “if you knock the ball past the flag -I will eat the flag. I will also eat the ball. Also the thing you call a -putter. If you knock the ball half way to the flag, I will eat all the -grass on this golf course.” - </p> -<p> -“Be careful, Millington,” I warned him. “You may have to eat that grass. -Now, stand back and let me have a fair whack at the ball.” - </p> -<p> -With that I swung the putter around my head two or three times, to gather -the necessary impetus, and then hit the ball a terrible whack. I put my -full strength into the blow, for I wanted to show Millington that I had -the making of a golfer in me; but when my putter ceased revolving around -me Millington seemed unimpressed. I put my hand above my eyes and gazed -into the far distance, hoping to catch sight of the ball when it alighted. -But I did not see it. -</p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="linkimage-0011" id="linkimage-0011"> </a> -</p> -<div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> -<img src="images/205.png" alt="205" width="100%" /><br /> -</div> -<p> -“Millington,” I said, “did you see where that ball went?” - </p> -<p> -“I did,” he said, turning to the left. “It went over there, into that tall -grass. It is a lost ball. Every ball that goes into that tall grass is -gone forever. I have never known any one to recover a ball that fell in -that tall grass.” - </p> -<p> -Then he stepped proudly to the sand-box and made another tee. -</p> -<p> -“Hand me a ball,” he said, “and I will show you the proper way to hit it.” - </p> -<p> -I gave him a ball and he placed it carefully on the tee. Then he grasped -his driver in both hands, snuggled the head of it up to the ball lovingly, -drew back the club and struck the ball. I was not quick enough to see the -ball go, but Millington was. -</p> -<p> -“Fine!” he exclaimed. “I sliced it a little, but I must have got good -distance. I must have driven that ball two hundred yards.” - </p> -<p> -“But where did it go?” I asked. -</p> -<p> -“Well,” said Millington, “I did slice it a little. It went off there to -the right, into that tall grass. It is a lost ball. I have never known any -one to recover a ball that fell in that tall grass. But let me have -another ball and I will show you—” - </p> -<p> -I told Millington I guessed I would lose a couple of balls myself while I -had a few left, if it was not against the rules. He said no, a player -could lose as many as he wished; in fact many players lost more than they -wished. -</p> -<p> -I found this to be so. We played around the nine holes and I made a score -of 114, and Millington was delighted. He said it was a splendid score to -turn in to the handicapping committee, and that he wished he could make a -large, safe score like that. He said no one in the club had ever made more -than 110 and that the average was about 45. Then he said I need not lose -hope, for at any rate I had not lost a ball at every stroke. He said he -had imagined when he saw me play that I would lose a ball at every stroke, -for my style of playing—my “form” he called it—was the sort -that ought to lose me one ball for every stroke. -</p> -<p> -When I reached home I found Isobel awaiting me, and, without thinking, I -blurted out that I had lost thirty-eight golf balls. Her mouth hardened. -</p> -<p> -“John,” she said, “I have been talking with Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs. Millington -about this game of golf, and what they say has given me an entirely -different opinion of it. When I advised you to take it up I had no idea it -was a gambling game, but they both tell me the matches are often played -for a stake of balls. Mrs. Rolfs says her husband has accumulated eighty -balls in this way, and Mrs. Millington says her husband has laid up a -store of over fifty. And now, when you come home and tell me you have -lost, in one afternoon, thirty-eight golf balls, at a cost of fifty cents -each, I feel that golf is a wicked, sinful game. I do not want to seem -severe, but I do not approve of gambling, and if you continue to lose so -many golf balls you will have to give up the game.” - </p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> </a> -</p> -<div style="height: 4em;"> -<br /><br /><br /><br /> -</div> -<h2> -X. ADVANCED GOLF -</h2> -<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HAT evening Millington dropped over to chat for a few minutes, and he was -in good spirits. He told me he had found the automobile where I had left -it with its nose against the tree, and that it had been necessary to hire -a team to pull it home. Isobel said she would never forget the pleased -expression on Millington's face as he saw the helpless machine being towed -into his yard, and between what both of them said I felt rightly proud at -having lifted such a load from his mind. -</p> -<p> -“Now,” said Millington cheerfully, “we can all start for Port Lafayette in -the morning. I will get up at four to-morrow morning and tinker at the -motor, and by nine, or ten at the latest, we will be ready to start.” - </p> -<p> -At ten the next morning, therefore, Isobel and I went over to Millington's -garage, but our first glimpse of him told us all was not well. He was -sitting on the garage step with his head buried in his arms, while his -wife was sitting beside him, vainly endeavouring to console him. For -awhile he made no response to my queries, and then he only raised his -mournful face and pointed at the automobile. He was too overcome for -words, and his wife had to give us the awful facts. -</p> -<p> -“This morning at four,” she said, “Edward came out and prepared to do what -he could to repair the motor you had so kindly put to the bad. He was then -his usual, cheerful self. He leaped lightly into the chauffeur's seat, -touched the starting lever, and, to his utter distress, the automobile -moved smoothly out of the garage and down the driveway, without a single -misplaced throb or sign of disorder. There was nothing the matter with the -automobile at all. Not a thing to repair. It was as if it had just come -from the factory. Of course he immediately gave up all idea of the little -run to Port Lafayette. Now, there is only one thing to be done. You must -take the machine and run it around the block until it is in a fit -condition to be repaired. I am afraid you did not do a good job -yesterday.” - </p> -<p> -Although I felt rather hurt by the last words, I was not a man to desert -Millington in his need, and without a word I jumped into the automobile -and started. That morning I put in some hard work. It seemed that the -automobile had repaired itself so well that nothing would ever be the -matter with it again, but by persistent efforts and by doing everything an -amateur could possibly do to ruin an automobile, I succeeded in developing -its weak spots. Not until noon was I satisfied, but when the horses at -last pulled the automobile into Millington's garage I felt I had done my -duty. I had mashed the hood and cracked a cylinder, dished the left front -wheel and absolutely ruined all the battery connections. I would have -defied any man to make that automobile run one inch. It had been hard -work, but I was amply repaid when Millington threw his arms around me and -wept for joy on my shoulder. He was not usually a demonstrative man. -</p> -<p> -“Next week, or the week after, John,” he said cheerfully, as he took off -his coat, “I may have the machine patched up a little, and we will take -that little run out to Port Lafayette. I feel that the trip has been -delayed too long already, and I shall get to work at once.” - </p> -<p> -“If you wish,” I said, “I will lend you Mr. Prawley to hold things while -you work on them.” - </p> -<p> -“Prawley?” said Millington. “Prawley? That man of yours? No, thank you, -John. That man Prawley is so fearful of automobiles that he trembles at -the sight of a pair of goggles. He would die of fear if we forced him into -this garage.” - </p> -<p> -I left Millington whistling over his work, and that afternoon I took my -putter and went to the golf grounds alone, for I had spent half the night -reading the golf book Mr. Rolfs had lent me, and I saw I had not gone at -the game in the right way. I knew now that I should have held my club with -my right hand more to the right—or to the left—and my right -foot nearer the ball—or not so near it—and with the head of my -club heeled up more—or not so much. The directions given by the book -were very explicit. They said a player must invariably lay his thumb along -the shaft of the club, unless he wrapped it around the shaft, or let it -stick up like a sore toe, or cut it off and got along without it, or did -something else with it. The book seemed to imply that the proper way for a -beginner to learn golf was to lock himself in a dark closet and indulge in -silent meditation until he became an expert player, but the closets in my -house were so narrow and shallow I felt I could not meditate broadly in -them. So I went to the Country Club. -</p> -<p> -I met young Weldorf there, and as soon as he saw me he immediately -proposed a round. He said he had wanted to play a round with me ever since -he had heard of my clubs. He said he hoped I would not mind his dog being -along, for the dog took a lively interest in the game of golf. -</p> -<p> -So I told Weldorf I loved dogs and that I thought a dog or two scattered -around the links added greatly to the picturesqueness of the game. -Weldorf's dog was a rather thin dog, of the white terrier kind, with black -spots, and Weldorf explained that the reason there were bare, -flesh-coloured spots on the dog was because he was just recovering from an -attack of mange. -</p> -<p> -Weldorf drove first, and a beautiful drive it was, and with a gay bark the -dog darted after the ball, but Weldorf spoke to him sternly, and he -stopped short, although he still gazed after the ball yearningly. Then I -drove. I exerted the whole of my enormous strength in that drive, and I -think I surprised Weldorf. I know I surprised the dog. If I had been that -dog, I, too, would have been surprised. There stood the dog, looking at -Weldorf's ball, wagging his tail and thinking of nothing, and here came my -ball with terrific speed. Suddenly the ball hit the dog on the hip with a -splashy sort of smack, and immediately the dog was impelled forward and -upward, giving voice, as we dog-fanciers say. He gave voice three times -while in the air, and when he alighted he put his tail between his legs -and dashed madly away. -</p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="linkimage-0012" id="linkimage-0012"> </a> -</p> -<div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> -<img src="images/219.png" alt="219" width="100%" /><br /> -</div> -<p> -We were not able to retrieve the dog until we reached the third teeing -ground, and then I apologized to him. He did not accept my apology. He -looked upon my most friendly advances with unjust suspicion. He seemed to -have no faith in my game, and kept well to the rear of me, but when -Weldorf addressed him in a few well-chosen words he unlooped his tail and -wagged it in a halfhearted sort of way. I decided to ignore the dog. I -raised the hinged lid of the sandbox and took out a large handful of sand -to form my tee, and letting the lid fall took a step forward. -</p> -<p> -Immediately the dog gave voice! Weldorf had to raise the lid of the -sand-box before the dog was able to get his tail out, but as soon as he -had reassumed full control of his tail he placed it firmly between his -legs and dashed madly away. It is nonsense to have a golf dog with a long -tail. -</p> -<p> -By the time we reached the sixth putting-green the dog had begun to get -lonely, and assumed a cheerful demeanour. He returned to us with -ingratiating poses, mainly sliding along the ground on his stomach as he -approached, and I was glad to see him happy again, for I love dogs and I -like to have them happy. He stood afar off, however, until he saw our -balls on the putting-green. He knew that golfers do not “putt” as -strenuously as they “drive.” Then he came nearer. I took the flag-pole -from the hole and let it fall gracefully to the ground. Without an instant -of hesitation the dog gave voice! It was a long flag-pole, made of a plump -bamboo fish-rod, and when it fell it seemed to strike directly on the -eighth dorsal vertebra of the dog, at a spot where he was not recovering -very well from the mange. -</p> -<p> -Weldorf said he had no doubt the dog would find his way home, and we stood -and listened until the voice the dog was giving died away in the far -distance, and then we holed out. It is nonsense for a dog to have dorsal -vertebrae. -</p> -<p> -When we reached the seventh hole I found that the grounds committee was -already using my initiation fee, for the grass mowers were at work there, -and a man with a rake immediately stepped up to me, and said in the most -friendly manner that he would be willing to part with some golf balls for -money, if I would say nothing about it to the Board of Governors. He had -sixteen, nine of which I recognized as some of those I had lost the day -before, and he very generously offered to let me have the lot at fifteen -cents each. I purchased them eagerly, and the man who was driving the -mower at once descended and offered me twelve more at the same price. -Between there and the ninth hole numerous caddies appeared from behind -trees and bunkers and offered me balls at ridiculously low prices, and I, -quite naturally, took advantage of their offers. -</p> -<p> -When I reached home Isobel asked me how I was progressing with my game. -“Well,” I said, “I return with forty-two more golf balls than I had when I -went out.” - </p> -<p> -Instantly her face brightened. She congratulated me warmly and said she -was sure Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs. Millington had overstated the evils of the -game. She said she thought she could see an improvement in my health -already. She advised me to keep at the game until my health was beyond -compare. -</p> -<p> -I now know that the book Mr. Rolfs lent me is mere piffle and that, for a -man who takes his golf in the right way, a broom or a hairpin is as good -as any other tool. I enjoy the game immensely, and find it great sport. -Often I come home with fifty golf balls, and my low record is eighteen—but -that was a legal holiday and the grass mowers were on vacation. I have so -many golf balls in the house already that Isobel talks of having an -addition built over the kitchen for storage purposes. As my game has -improved I have acquired such dexterity that I can buy balls from the -caddies at the rate of four for twenty-five cents. If I practise regularly -I believe I shall in time reach a point where I can buy balls for five -cents each. By holes, my best score is thirty-eight balls, made at the -eighth hole on July 6th, from the red-headed caddy and the fat mowing man. -My low score is one ball, made August 16th, at the first hole. I never -make a large score there, as it is near the club house and the caddies are -afraid of the Board of Governors. -</p> -<p> -When golf is taken rightly it arouses the instincts of the chase in a man, -and I now feel the same joy in running down a caddy and bargaining for -found balls that others feel in hunting wild animals. Golf, taken thus, is -a splendid game. -</p> -<p> -And I have found that if I use my putter only, and knock the ball but a -few yards each stroke, there is no need of losing a ball from one end of -the year to the other. But even then one must remember the cardinal rule -of all golfers—“Keep the eye on the ball.” - </p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> </a> -</p> -<div style="height: 4em;"> -<br /><br /><br /><br /> -</div> -<h2> -XI. MY DOMESTICATED AUTOMOBILE -</h2> -<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> HAVE said that I left Millington happily working over his automobile -when I went to the Country Club that afternoon. When I returned he was -still working away, and so well had I wrecked his car that all his -repairing seemed to have made not the slightest impression on it. -</p> -<p> -“John,” he said brightly, “you certainly did a good job. It will be months -before I have this car in any shape at all, I am sure. It is going to take -all my spare time, too. I mean to set my alarm clock for three, and get up -at that time every morning.” - </p> -<p> -It is always a pleasure for me to see another man happy, and at half-past -two the next morning I was waiting for Millington at his garage door. He -came out of his house promptly at three, and joked merrily as he unlocked -the garage door, but the moment he threw open the door his face fell. And -well it might! The dished wheel had been trued, the crushed hood had been -straightened and painted, a new cylinder had replaced the cracked one, and -when Millington tried the engine it ran without a sound except that of a -perfectly working piece of well-adjusted machinery. Millington got out of -the car and stood staring at the motor, and suddenly, with a low cry of -anguish, he fell over backward as stiff as a log. Mrs. Millington and I -managed to carry him to bed, and then I returned to the garage. I was not -going to desert Millington in his adversity. -</p> -<p> -After the doctor had visited the house, Mrs. Millington came out and told -me that her husband was still in a comatose state, due to brain-shock, but -that he kept repeating “Sell it! Sell it!” over and over, and she was sure -he must mean the car. She said that while she would hate to part with the -car, and give up all the pleasure of starting for Port Lafayette, she -feared for her husband's reason if he continued to receive such shocks, -and she was willing to sacrifice the car at a very low price, if I -insisted. She said I had not, like Millington, become habituated to -hearing a knocking in the engine, so' the lack of it would not bother me, -and that owning a car that repaired itself over night was what most -automobile owners would call a golden opportunity. -</p> -<p> -I suppose if I had come home and said to Isobel: “My dear, I have bought -an Asiatic hyena,” she would have been less shocked and surprised than she -was when I entered the house and said: “Well, my dear, I have bought an -automobile.” - </p> -<p> -Isobel is of a rather nervous disposition, and driving behind Bob, our -horse, had tended to eliminate any latent speed mania she may have ever -had, for Bob is not a rapid horse. Of course, Isobel drove the horse at a -trot occasionally, but that was when she wanted to go slower than a walk, -for Bob was what may be called an upright trotter—one of those -horses that trot like a grasshopper: the harder they trot the higher they -rise in the air, and the less ground they cover. When Bob was in fine -fettle, as we horsemen say, he could trot for hours with a perpendicular -motion, like a sewing machine needle, and remain in one identical spot the -whole time. He could trot tied to a post. Sometimes when he was feeling -his oats he could trot backward. -</p> -<p> -I suppose that when I mentioned automobile Isobel had a vision of a -bright-red car about twenty-five feet long, with a tonnage like an ocean -steamer, and a speed of one hundred and ten miles an hour—one of the -machines that flash by with a wail of agony and kill a couple of men just -around the next corner. But Millington's automobile was not that kind. It -was a tried and tested affair. It had been in a Christian family for five -years, and was well broken. Nor was it a long automobile; it was one of -the shortest automobiles I have ever seen; indeed, I do not think I ever -saw such a short automobile. “Short and high” seemed to have been the -maker's motto, and he had lived up to it. He couldn't have made the -automobile any shorter without having cogs on the tires, so they could -overlap. If the automobile had been much shorter the rear wheels would -have been in front of the fore wheels. But what it lacked in length it -made up in altitude. It averaged pretty well, multiplying the height by -the length. It was the type known in the profession as the “camel type.” - When in action it had a motion somewhat like a camel, too, but more like a -small boat on a wintry, wind-tossed sea. But, ah! the engine! There was a -noble heart in that weak body! When the engine was in average knocking -condition, one knew when it started. In two minutes after the engine -started the driver was on the ground; if he did not become dizzy, sitting -at such a height, and fall off, the engine shook him off. -</p> -<p> -But, if Isobel did not take kindly to the idea of owning Millington's -automobile, Rolfs seemed glad I was going to buy it. -</p> -<p> -“You won't be everlastingly asking me to take a little run up to Port -Lafayette,” he said. “For years before you moved out here Millington -bothered the life out of me, and I cannot bear riding in automobiles. I -hate them worse than that hired man of yours does. How does he like the -idea?” - </p> -<p> -I told him, rather haughtily, that I did not usually consult Mr. Prawley -when I bought automobiles. Then Rolfs said he thought, usually, it was -just as well for an ignorant man to consult some one, but that he knew -Millington's automobile was a good one. He said he knew the man that had -owned the machine ten or twelve years before Millington bought it. He said -that every one knew that machines of that make that were made in 1895 were -extremely durable. He said he remembered about this one particularly, -because it was the period when milk shakes were the popular drink, and his -friend used to make his own. He said his friend would put the ingredients -in a bottle, and tie the bottle to the automobile seat, and then start the -engine for a minute or two, and the milk would be completely shaken. So -would his friend. -</p> -<p> -Rolfs asked me to let him know when I brought the automobile over from -Millington's. I had no difficulty in doing so. When I ran that automobile -the only difficulty was in concealing the fact that it was arriving -anywhere and in getting it to arrive. Often it preferred not to arrive at -all, but when it did arrive, it gave every one notice. Isobel never had to -wonder whether I was arriving in my machine, or whether it was some -visitor in another machine. Under my regime my machine had a sweet, -purring sound like a road-roller loaded with scrap iron crossing a -cobblestone bridge. When the engine was going and the car was not, it -sounded like giant fire-crackers exploding under a dish pan. -</p> -<p> -The very day I purchased the car and brought it into my yard Mr. Prawley -came to me and told me he had a very important communication to make. He -said his poor old mother was sick, and he would like a month's vacation. -He added that he imagined the automobile would last about twenty-nine -days. As he said this his lean, villainous face wore a look of fear, and -when I told him he could have the vacation, he departed, walking backward, -keeping one eye on the automobile all the while. -</p> -<p> -But the automobile did not behave in the bewitched manner for me that it -had for Millington. It did not repair itself over night at all. If -anything it deteriorated. -</p> -<p> -Oddly enough, now that the automobile was quite tame, Isobel, who usually -has perfect confidence in me, declined to ride in it. But frequently we -took rides together, driving side by side, she in her buggy behind Bob, -and I in my automobile, and, occasionally, when the road was rough and the -engine working well, I would drop in on her unexpectedly. But not always. -Sometimes I fell off on the other side. -</p> -<p> -I found these little trips very pleasant and exceedingly good for a torpid -liver—if I had had one—and I enjoyed having Isobel with me, -especially when we came to bits of sandy road where the rear wheels of my -automobile would revolve uselessly, as if for the mere pleasure of -revolving. -</p> -<p> -Then I would unhitch Bob from the buggy and hitch him to the automobile, -and he would tow me over the sandy stretch, aided by the engine. It was a -pretty picture to see this helpfulness, one to the other, especially when -my engine was palpitating in its wild, vibratory manner, and Bob was -trotting at full speed, while I fell out of the automobile, first on one -side and then on the other. -</p> -<p> -Isobel enjoyed these little moments exceedingly and often I had to go back -to her, after I had passed the sandy spot, and pat her on the back until -she could get her breath again. She had to admit that she had never -imagined she could get so much pleasure out of an automobile. But it was -that kind of an automobile—any one could get more pleasure out of it -than in it. -</p> -<p> -I myself found that after the first novelty wore off automobiling became a -bore. As a method of securing pleasure the cost per gallon to each unit of -joy was too high, in that machine. Riding in my machine was not what is -called “joy riding.” It was more like a malady. -</p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="linkimage-0013" id="linkimage-0013"> </a> -</p> -<div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> -<img src="images/237.png" alt="237" width="100%" /><br /> -</div> -<p> -Of course we never attempted a long tour, like that to Port Lafayette, -which is eleven miles from Westcote, and it was about the time my tire -troubles began that I thought of domesticating my automobile. I remember -with what pride I discovered my first puncture. Every automobile owner of -my acquaintance had tire troubles, and I had never had any, and I felt -slighted. Sometimes I felt tempted to take an awl and puncture a tire -myself, so I, too, could talk about my tire troubles, but I had a feeling -that that would be unprofessional. I had never heard of any real sporty -automobilist punching holes in his tires with awls; in fact they seemed to -consider there was no particular pleasure in punctured tires. That was the -way they talked—as if a puncture was a misfortune—but I knew -better. I could hear the undercurrent of pride in their voices as they -announced: “Well, I had three punctures and two blow-outs yesterday. I was -running along slowly, about fifty-five miles an hour, between Oyster Bay -and Huntington, when—” And then the next man would pipe up and say: -“Yes? Well, I beat that. I was speeding a little—not much, but about -sixty miles an hour—on the Jericho Turnpike last night, and all four -tires—” And through it all I had to sit silent. I longed to be able -to say: “I was speeding along yesterday at about half a mile an hour, the -machine going better than usual, when suddenly I jumped out and stuck my -penknife into the forward, left-hand tire—” I had never had a -puncture. I was not in their class. -</p> -<p> -But my turn came. I was speeding a little—about one city block every -five minutes—on Thirteenth Street, when my sparker stopped sparking. -When your engine misses fire there are six hundred and forty-two things -that may be the matter, and after you have tested the six hundred and -forty-two, it may be an entirely new six hundred and forty-third trouble. -I have known a man to try the full six hundred and forty-two remedies -unavailingly, and then sigh and wipe his goggles, and the engine began -working beautifully. And it was only by chance—pure chance—that -he happened to wipe his goggles. Probably he had not wiped them for years. -But after that the first thing he did when his engine did not fire was to -wipe them. And never, never again did it have the least effect on the -engine. That is one of the peculiar things about an automobile. And there -are nine hundred and ninety-nine other peculiar things, each of which is -more peculiar than all the rest. -</p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="linkimage-0014" id="linkimage-0014"> </a> -</p> -<div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> -<img src="images/243.png" alt="243" width="100%" /><br /> -</div> -<p> -I had just taken my automobile apart to discover why the engine did not -work, and the various pieces of its anatomy were scattered up and down the -street for a block or more, and I was hunting up another piece to take -out, when I noticed that one of my tires was flat. I had a puncture! I -suppose I would have thrilled with joy at any other time, but just after a -man has dissected his automobile is no time for him to thrill. He has -other things to amuse him. I have even known a man who had just discovered -that his last battery had gone dead to swear a little when he discovered -that two tires had also gone flat. -</p> -<p> -It was when I was pumping up that new inner tube that I decided to -domesticate my automobile. It seemed to be a shame to take such a delicate -piece of machinery out on the rough, unfeeling road, and I remembered that -Rolfs had told me of a Philadelphia friend of his who had half -domesticated his automobile. Rolfs said that once, when he was foolish, he -had ridden half an hour, out to his friend's farm, and there the -automobile was jacked up and a belt attached to one of the rear wheels, -and in less than five minutes the car was doing duty as a piece of farm -machinery, running a feed cutter. Rolfs said it was great. He said it was -the only time he ever felt satisfied that an automobile was getting what -it deserved. He said that all the men had to do was to keep the -fodder-cutter fed with fodder, and that it kept two farm hands busy. He -said I ought to get some fodder and cut it that way and stop being an -obstruction in the public highways. He suggested that I get some wood and -saw wood with the automobile, or get some apples and make cider. He -suggested a thousand things I could do with the automobile, and not one of -them was riding in it. -</p> -<p> -I had tried riding in it myself, and after owning it a week or two I -decided it was just the kind of automobile that was meant to do general -household work. So I domesticated it. -</p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> </a> -</p> -<div style="height: 4em;"> -<br /><br /><br /><br /> -</div> -<h2> -XII. MR. PRAWLEY RETURNS -</h2> -<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>ARY was one of the most faithful servants a family ever had. Her -faithfulness deserves this monument. She was a Pole and she could not -pronounce her own name. She tried to pronounce it the first day she came -to us, but along toward the sixth or seventh syllable she became confused -and had to give it up. She said it was Schneider in English. Perhaps the -reason she remained with us so long was because she had brought her Polish -name with her, and it was too much trouble to move it from place to place. -When she once got in a place, she liked to stay there. But “Schneider” was -about the only English word she knew, and this made it a little difficult -to explain to her that I had domesticated the automobile and would allow -her to use it on wash day. I had to make a picture of it, and even then -she seemed rather doubtful about it. -</p> -<p> -As a matter of fact it was all very simple, but Mary Schneider was stupid. -We already had the washing machine, and we had the automobile, and it was -only necessary to connect the rear wheel of the automobile with the drive -wheel of the washing machine by means of a belt, jack up the rear axle of -the automobile, and start the engine. I hoped in time to go further than -this and hitch up the coffee mill, the carpet-sweeper, the ice-cream -freezer, and all our other household machinery, and then Mary Schneider -would have a very easy time of it. She could have sat in the automobile -with her hands on the speed levers and the work would have done itself. -But Mary would not sit in the automobile. She tried to explain that she -had seen me sit in it and that the Schneiders, as a family, had very -brittle bones and could not afford to fall out of automobiles of such -height, but I could not understand what she was saying. I only understood -that she said she would give notice immediately if she had to sit in that -automobile while the palpitator was jiggering. -</p> -<p> -I had a feeling that all this was mere diffidence on her part, and that -when she once saw how easy it all was she would be delighted with it. So I -jacked up the rear axle of the car in my backyard, and attached the -clothesline as a belt to the rear wheel and to the drive wheel of the -washing machine. I remained at home one Monday morning especially to do -this, and Isobel thought it was very kind of me. She said she was sure -Mary could do it, and would be glad to, after she had once seen how it was -done. -</p> -<p> -Mary put the soap in the washing machine, and the hot water, and the -clothes, and I started the automobile engine. It was all I had hoped. -Never, never had I seen clothes washed so rapidly. Luckily I had thought -to nail the legs of the washing machine to the floor of the back porch. -This steadied the washing machine and kept it from jumping more than it -did. Of course, some vibration was conveyed along the rope belt from the -automobile, and Mary had to hasten to and fro bringing more hot water to -refill the washing machine. It was like a storm at sea, or a geyser, or a -large hot fountain. When we had the automobile going at full speed the -water hardly entered the washing machine before it dashed madly out again. -</p> -<p> -Isobel had to help by putting more clothes in the washing machine. It used -up clothes as rapidly as Rolf's friend's fodder-cutter used up fodder, but -I think it cut the clothes into smaller pieces. We discovered this when we -hunted up the clothes later. We did not notice it at the time. All was -excitement. -</p> -<p> -It was a proud moment for me. The engine was running as well as it ever -did, the dasher of the washing machine was dashing to and fro with hot -water, and Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs. Millington were cheering us on. I began to -believe we would break all records for clothes washing if Mary and Isobel -could only keep water and clothes in the washing machine. Just then I fell -out of the automobile. -</p> -<p> -Possibly the sudden removal of my weight had an effect. It may have been -that my head in striking one of the rear wheels moved the axle. Of this I -can never be sure. The rear axle unjacked itself, and as the rear wheels -touched the ground the automobile darted away. I was just able to touch -the washing machine as it hurried by, but it did not wait for me to secure -a firm hold, and it went on its way. But Mary was faithful to the last. -She—ignorant though she was—knew that the weekly wash should -not dash off in this manner. She—although but a Pole, knew her duty -and did it. Mary hung onto the washing machine. Whither the wash went she -was going. And so she did. Rapidly, too. -</p> -<p> -The rear porch was not badly damaged. Only those boards to which the -washing machine had been nailed went with it, but where the automobile -went through the back fence we had to make extensive repairs. But it was -all for the best. If the automobile had not made a hole in the fence Mary -could not have gone through. Of course, she could have gone around by the -gate, but she would have lost time, and she was not losing any time. -Neither was the washing machine. The automobile did not gain an inch on -it, and sometimes when the washing machine made a good jump it overtook -the automobile. So did Mary. -</p> -<p> -I saw then that I had not thoroughly domesticated the automobile. As we -stood and watched the automobile and the washing machine and Mary dashing -rapidly away in the distance, we felt that the automobile was still a -little too wild for household use, but I fully believed the automobile -would be tame enough before it reached home again. A young, strong -automobile may be able to take cross country runs without ill effects, but -an elderly automobile, like the one I bought of Millington, cannot dash -across country towing a washing machine and a Polish servant, whose name -is Schneider in English, without danger to its constitution. I do not -blame the washing machine—it could not let go, it was belted on—but -if Mary had had presence of mind she would have released her grasp when -she found the strain was too much for the automobile. But it is strange -how differently the minds of male and female run. As I watched the -automobile disappear over the edge of the hill I said: -</p> -<p> -“Isobel, I guess that ends that automobile,” But Isobel said: -</p> -<p> -“John, I am afraid we have lost Mary.” And yet that automobile and that -Pole were the last two in the world I should ever have suspected of -running away with each other. She came back later in the day, but she did -not say much. She packed her trunk and took her wages, and remarked a -remark that sounded like the English word Schneider translated into -Polish. The washing machine did not return. -</p> -<p> -When Millington came out to the fence that evening I told him that I was -done with automobiling, and that the automobile was probably mashed to -flinders. He had been looking bad, but he brightened at the words. -</p> -<p> -“John,” he said, “if that automobile is wrecked as badly as it should be -after running wild with a tail of washing machines and -Schneiders-in-English, I'll buy it back. I'll give—I'll give you -five dollars for it.” - </p> -<p> -He must have seen the eagerness in my eyes, for he remarked quickly: -</p> -<p> -“I'll give you two dollars and forty-five cents for it!” - </p> -<p> -“I'll take it!” I said instantly. -</p> -<p> -“It is mine!” said Millington, and he handed over the money. -</p> -<p> -As soon as it was in my pocket I heard a rustling in the currant bushes at -my left, and Mr. Prawley raised his head above them. -</p> -<p> -“Mother's well again,” he said. “I've come back!” - </p> -<p> -<br /><br /> -</p> -<hr /> -<p> -<a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> </a> -</p> -<div style="height: 4em;"> -<br /><br /><br /><br /> -</div> -<h2> -XIII. MILLINGTON'S MOTOR MYSTERY -</h2> -<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>ILLINGTON and I hunted up the automobile the next day, and it was in -worse condition than I had imagined. The only way the car could be got -back to his garage was on a truck, but we got it there, and unloaded it, -and Millington hunted up all his tools and got them ready to use the next -day. It was late by that time, and we locked the garage and went to bed. -</p> -<p> -All night I worried over having taken two dollars and forty-five cents -from Millington for that collection of old metal that had been a -motor-car, and as early as possible the next morning I took the money and -went over to Millington's. I found him just going out to the garage, and -he positively refused to take back the money. He said the car was in just -the condition he wanted it, and that if I hadn't knocked the witchery out -of it no one could. He said he hoped—and just then he opened the -garage door. -</p> -<p> -There stood the automobile, on the very spot where we had left it, but -there was not a scratch on it. Except that it was an ancient model, it -might have been a brand new car. Even the brasswork had been polished, and -at the first glance the tires seemed new, but we found they had only been -carefully repaired and painted drab. -</p> -<p> -Millington stood looking at the automobile a few minutes and then laughed. -He turned to me with a strangely contorted face and said: “Uncle Tom, you -are invited to take a ride with Cleopatra in my air-ship to-night at -midnight.” - </p> -<p> -Millington said this in a very calm voice, but he immediately followed it -by asking me to have a piece of strawberry pie, and instead of pie he -offered me the can of gear grease. I managed to coax him into the house, -and when the doctor arrived he advised absolute rest. He said Millington's -brain was not yet permanently affected, but that another such shock would -be too much for him. He said that for the present we must humour him, and -try to make him believe that the automobile was damaged beyond recovery. -It seemed to have a soothing effect, and to aid his recovery I got into -the car, ran it into the street, aimed it at a stone wall opposite -Millington's window, threw on the high speed, and jumped to one side. One -minute later the machine was afire, and half an hour later little was left -of it but the metal parts, and they were badly warped. -</p> -<p> -Mr. Prawley came out when he saw the fire, and a look of the most fiendish -joy glittered in his eyes. Never have I seen a man show such pleasure over -the destruction of an automobile. His hatred of automobiles seemed to be -endless and bottomless. -</p> -<p> -When I told Millington that his automobile was now in about as bad -condition as man could put it into, he sat up in bed, and the light of -sanity came into his eyes. He walked to the window and looked out at the -car, and became his old cheerful self again. He said that there was no -doubt now that the devils in the car had been exorcised, and that with a -few weeks work he could get it back into such shape that the engine would -be working properly, and we would then, he said take that little run up to -Port Lafayette. He then took a little nourishment, and by night he was -quite himself again. When he had had his dinner I went home and had mine, -and went to bed at once, for I knew Millington would be at work soon after -sun-up. -</p> -<p> -I had hardly got into bed, however, when I began to fear that Millington's -eagerness would get the best of him, and at ten o'clock I went over to his -house. I found him in bed and awake and cheerful, but he said he did not -mean to get up. He said it was against his policy to get up the day before -in order to be up the next day, so I sat by his bed and read chapters from -a dear little work of fiction entitled “Easy Remedies for Ignition -Troubles,” until the clock struck twelve, and then Millington hopped out -of bed and threw on his clothes. -</p> -<p> -The moment we stepped from the back door the same thing struck us both -with surprise. There was a light in the garage! -</p> -<p> -My first thought was that some rascal was in the garage trying to ruin -Millington's automobile, but a second thought assured me this was -impossible. Ruin could be carried no farther than I had carried it. -Bidding Millington be silent, I crept cautiously toward the garage, with -Millington at my heels, and without a sound we peered in at the window. -The sight was one that would have shaken the strongest man. -</p> -<p> -Bending over the motor, with his face made unearthly by the artificial -light that fell upon it obliquely, casting deep shadows, was that villain, -Mr. Prawley! I have never seen anything so devilish as that wretch as he -worked with inhuman agility and haste. His long, claw-like fingers danced -from one part of the machine to another fiendishly, and a hideous grin -distorted his features. He was humming some weird tune, and I noted that -he was ambidextrous, for he was varnishing the hood with one hand while -with the other he was putting in a new spark plug. A tremor of horror -passed over Millington and over me at the same moment. A few whispered -words, a few stealthy steps, and we burst in and seized Mr. Prawley by the -arms. In a moment we had him on the floor of the garage, bound hand and -foot. -</p> -<p> -Millington was for wreaking immediate vengeance on him, but I stood firmly -for a more lawful course, and the next day we handed him over to the -authorities, and his whole miserable story came out. His name was not Mr. -Prawley at all. Neither was it Alonzo Duggs, which was the name he he had -given us when Isobel and I hired him. His name was William Alexander -Vandergribbin. He came of good family, but mania for speeding automobiles -had brought him to ruin, and the third time he was arrested for -over-speeding a sentence of thirty years in the penitentiary had been -pronounced by the judge. The judge, however, had suspended the sentence -provided that William Alexander Vandergribbin never again touched an -automobile. -</p> -<p> -For several years Vandergribbin fought down his appetite. Then he fell. He -changed his name to Flossy Zozo, and secured a job as the death-defying -loop-the-gappist with the big show. For a time the speeding down the -runway in the fake automobile, with the somersault at the bottom of the -run, appeased his cravings, but the rules of the show prohibited him from -tinkering with the fake automobile, which was strictly in charge of the -property man, and Vandergribbin left the show, changed his name to Alonzo -Duggs, and seeking our quiet town, chose work in the house nearest the man -owning the oldest automobile. For weeks he had watched his opportunity—you -know the rest. He is now in Sing Sing. -</p> -<p> -I am sorry to end this story so abruptly, but Millington has just come -over to ask if I would not like to take a little run out to Port -Lafayette. I have always wanted to go to Port Lafayette, which is about -eleven miles from here; so, if you will excuse me, I will go and button -Isobel's matinee gown, and we will be off. -</p> -<h3> -END -</h3> -<div style="height: 6em;"> -<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> -</div> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Adventures Of A Suburbanite, by -Ellis Parker Butler - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ADVENTURES OF A SUBURBANITE *** - -***** This file should be named 44153-h.htm or 44153-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: -http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/1/5/44153/ - -Produced by David Widger - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Adventures Of A Suburbanite - -Author: Ellis Parker Butler - -Illustrator: A. B. Phelan - -Release Date: November 10, 2013 [EBook #44153] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ADVENTURES OF A SUBURBANITE *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger - - - - - - -THE ADVENTURES OF A SUBURBANITE - -By Ellis Parker Butler - -Illustrator: A. B. Phelan - -Garden City New York Doubleday, Page & Company - - -1911 - - - - - -I. THE PRAWLEYS - -ISOBEL was born in a flat, and that was no fault of her own; but she was -born in a flat, and reared in a flat, and married from a flat, and, for -two years after we were married, we lived in a flat; but I am not a born -flat-dweller myself, and as soon as possible I proposed that we move to -the country. Isobel hesitated, but she hesitated so weakly that on the -first of May we had bought the place at Westcote and moved into it. - -The very day I moved into my house Millington came over and said he was -glad some one had moved in, because the last man that had lived in the -house was afraid of automobiles, and would never take a spin with -him. He said he hoped I was not afraid; and when I said I was not, he -immediately proposed that we take a little spin out to Port Lafayette -as soon as I had my furniture straightened around. I thought it was very -nice and neighbourly and unusual for a man with an automobile to begin -an acquaintance that way; but I did not know Millington's automobile so -well then as I grew to know it afterward. - -I liked Millington. He was a short, Napoleon-looking man, with bulldog -jaws and not very much hair, and I was glad to have him for a -neighbour, particularly as my neighbour on the other side was a tall, -haughty-looking man. He leaned on the division fence and stared all the -while our furniture was being moved in. I spoke to Millington about him, -and all Millington said was: "Rolfs? Oh, he's no good! He won't ride in -an automobile." - -At first, while we were really getting settled in our house, Isobel was -bright and cheerful and seemed to have forgotten flats entirely but on -the tenth of May I saw a change coming over her, and when I spoke of it -she opened her heart to me. - -"John," she said, "I am afraid I cannot stand it. I shall try to, for -your sake, but I do not think I can. I am so lonely! I feel like an atom -floating in space." - -"Isobel!" I said kindly but reprovingly. "With the Millingtons on one -side and the Rolfs on the other?" - -"I know," she admitted contritely enough; "but you can't understand. -Always and always, since I was born, some one has lived overhead, -and some one has lived underneath. Sometimes only the janitor lived -underneath--" - -"Isobel," I said, "if you will try to explain what you mean--" - -"I mean flats," she said dolefully. "I always lived in a flat, John, and -there was always a family above and a family below, and it frightens me -to think I am in a house where there is no family above me, and not even -a janitor's family below me. It makes me feel naked, or suspended in -air, or as if there was no ground under my feet. It makes me gasp!" - -"That is nonsense!" I said. "That is the beauty of having a house. We -have it all to ourselves. Now, in a flat--" - -"We had our flat all to ourselves, John," she reminded me; "but a flat -isn't so unbounded as a house. Just think; there is nothing between us -and the top of the sky! Not a single family! It makes me nervous. And -there is nothing beneath us!" - -"Now, my dear," I said soothingly, "China is beneath us, and no doubt a -very respectable family is keeping house directly below." - -Isobel sighed contentedly. - -"I am so glad you thought of that!" she cried. "Now, when I feel lonely, -I can imagine I feel the house jar as the Chinese family move their -piano, or I can imagine that I hear their phonograph." - -"Very good," I said; "and if you can imagine all that, why cannot you -imagine a family overhead, too? The whole attic is there. Very well; I -give up the entire attic to your imagination." - -Then I kissed her and went into the back garden. My opinion is that the -man that laid out that back garden was over-sanguine. I am passionately -fond of gardening, and believe in back gardens; but at the present -price of seed and the present hardness of hoe handles, I think that back -garden is too large. This is not a mere flash opinion, either; it is -a matter of study. The first day I stuck spade into that garden I had -given little thought to its size, but by the time I had spaded all day -I began to have a pretty well-defined opinion of gardens and how large -they should be, and by the end of the third day of spading I believe -I may say I was well equipped to testify as an expert on garden sizes. -That was the day the blisters on my hands became raw. - -[Illustration: 25] - -The day after my little conversation with Isobel I returned home from -business to find her awaiting me at the gate. She wore a bright smile, -and she put her hand through my arm and hopped into step with me. - -"John," she said cheerfully, "the Prawleys moved in to-day." - -"The Prawleys? Who are the Prawleys, and what did they move into?" I -asked. - -"Why, how do I know who they are, John?" she said. "I suppose we will -know all about them soon enough, but you can't expect me to learn all -about a family the day they move in. And as for what they moved into, of -course there was only one vacant flat." - -"Flat? One vacant flat? What flat?" I asked. I was afraid Isobel was not -entirely herself. - -"The one above us," she said, and then as she saw the blank look on my -face she said: "The--the--oh, John, _don't_ you understand? The attic!" - -"Hum!" I said suspiciously, looking at Isobel; but her face was so -bright, and she looked so thoroughly contented that I did not tell her -what I thought of this sort of pretending. Too much of it is not good -for a person. "Very well," I said; "I only hope they will not be too -noisy." - -"I don't think they will," said Isobel, smiling. "At least not while you -are home." She helped me off with my light coat, and when we were seated -at the table she said: "By the way, Mr. Millington leaned over the fence -this afternoon, and said he hoped you would take a little ride to Port -Lafayette with him soon. He says his automobile is in almost perfect -shape now." - - - - -II. MR. PRAWLEY'S GARDEN - -ISOBEL was brighter at dinner than she had been for some days. She -seemed quite contented, now that the imaginary Prawleys had moved into -the attic. She said no more about them, and when I had finished my -dinner I put on my gardening togs and went out to garden awhile before -dark. Blisters are certainly most painful after a day of rest, and I did -not work long. I was almost in despair about the garden. Fully half had -not been touched, and what I had already done looked ragged and as if it -needed doing over again. The more I dug, the more great chunks of sod -I found buried in it, and it seemed as if my garden, when I had dug out -all the chunks of sod, would be a pit instead of a level. It threatened -to be a sunken garden. - -"Isobel," I said angrily, when the sun had set and I was once more -sitting in the chair on my veranda, with my hands wrapped in wet -handkerchiefs, "you know how passionately fond of gardening I am, and -how I longed and pined for a garden for two full years, and you know, -therefore, that it takes a great deal of gardening to satisfy me; but I -must say that the man who laid out that garden must have been a man -of shameful leisure. He laid out a garden twice as large as any garden -should be." - -"Then why do you try to work it all?" she asked. - -"Oh, work it!" I exclaimed with some irritation. "I can't let half a -garden go to weeds! That would look nice, wouldn't it! I'll work it all -right! You don't care how I suffer and struggle. You sit here--" - -The next evening when I reached home - -I did not feel particularly happy. My hands were quite raw, and my back -had sharp pains and was stiff, and I spoke gruffly to Millington when he -suggested an automobile ride to Port Lafayette for that evening. - -"No!" I said shortly. "You ought to know I can't go. I've got to kill -myself in that garden!" - -But I was resolved Isobel should never see me conquered by a patch -of ground, and after dinner I went out with my spade and hoe. When my -glance fell on the garden I stopped short. I was very angry. - -"Isobel?" I called sharply. - -She came tripping around the house and to my side. - -"Who did that?" I asked severely. I was in no mood for nonsense. - -She looked at the garden. One half of it--not the half I had struggled -with, but the other 'half--had been spaded, crushed, ridged, planted, -and left in perfect condition. The small cabbage plants had been -carefully watered. Not a grain of earth was larger than a pin head. Not -a blade of grass stuck up anywhere. Isobel looked at the garden, and -then at me. - -"I warned him!" she said. "I warned him you would be angry when you came -home! I told him you wanted to garden that half of the garden, too, and -that you would probably go right up and give him a piece of your mind, -but he insisted that he had a right to half the garden, and--" - -"_Who_ insisted that he had a right to half my garden?" I demanded. - -"Why," said Isobel, as if surprised at the question, "Mr. Prawley did." - -"Prawley? Prawley? I don't know any Prawley!" - -"Don't you know the Prawleys that moved into the flat above us?" said -Isobel. "And he is a very nice man, too," she continued. "He was not at -all rude. He merely insisted, in a quiet way, that as he was a tenant -and as there was only one back garden, and two families in the house, he -was entitled to half the garden." - -She did not give me a chance to speak, but ran on in that vein, while -I stood and looked at the garden and, among other things, thought of my -blistered hands and my lame back. - -"Well and good, Isobel," I said at length. "I do not wish to have -anything to say to the Prawleys, nor do I wish to quarrel with them, and -since he demands half the garden you may tell him he is welcome to it. -I cannot conceal that in taking half of it away from me he has robbed -me of just that much passionate happiness, and you may tell him I do not -like the way he gardens, but I will say no more about it!" - -"Oh, you dear old John!" said Isobel. "And now you shall not touch that -miserable garden with your poor sore hands. You shall just sit on the -veranda with me and let me bathe your palms with witch hazel." Although -I assumed an air of sternness in speaking to Isobel of Mr. Prawley I -was glad to be able to humour her, for she seemed so much happier after -beginning to pretend that the Prawley family occupied the attic of our -house. Giving in to these harmless little whims of our wives does much -to make life pleasanter for them--and for us--and as long as Mr. Prawley -left me my own half of the garden I could not be discontented. One half -of that garden was really all a man should attempt to garden, no matter -how passionately fond of gardening he might be. - -It is fine to be the owner of a bit of soil and to feel the joy of -possession, but it is still more delightful to be able to see one's -own garden truck springing into life after one has dug and planted and -weeded and cultivated with one's own hands. I had no greater desire in -life than to devote all my spare time to my garden, but a man must give -his health some attention, and Isobel pointed out that if I gardened but -one half of the garden I would have time to ride to Port Lafayette with -Millington in his automobile now and then, and as Port Lafayette is on -the salt water the air would be good for me. - -Port Lafayette is about eleven miles from Westcote, and I had often -wished to go to Port Lafayette, but Millington is absurdly jealous. Of -course, I could have taken Isobel by train in about one half hour, or -I could walk it in two or three hours, or drive there in an hour; but -I knew that would hurt Millington's feelings. He would take it as an -insult to his automobile. - -But now I told Isobel that as soon as my garden got into reasonable -shape we would go to Port Lafayette with Millington. Isobel told me -that my health was more important than radishes, and reasoned that a few -weeds in a garden were not a bad thing. Weeds, she said, grow rapidly, -while vegetables are modest and retiring things, and she considered that -a few weeds in my half of the garden might set a good example to the -vegetables. - -Mr. Prawley evidently held a different view, for he did not allow a -single weed to raise its head in his half of the garden, and I told -Isobel, rather sharply, that his idea was the right one, and that I -should weed my garden every evening until there was not a weed in it. - -"But, John," she said, "I have never ridden in an automobile, and it -would be a great treat for me." - -"No doubt," I groaned--I was weeding in my garden at the moment--"but, -treat or no treat, I am not going to have this half of the garden look -like a forest." - -"I know you enjoy it," she began, but I silenced her. - -"I am passionately fond of gardening," I said, "and I have told you so a -million times. Now will you leave me alone to enjoy it, or won't you?" - -She went into the house and left me enjoying it alone. - -The very next evening, when I looked into my half of the garden, I found -it weeded and put into the best of shape, and when I hunted up Isobel, -angry indeed at having so much pleasure taken from me, she did not dare -look me in the eye. - -"Isobel," I said sharply, "what is the meaning of this?" - -"John," she said meekly, "I am afraid I am to blame. You know Mr. -Prawley does not like automobile riding--" - -"I know nothing of the kind, Isobel," I said. "I know I am passionately -fond of gardening, and that some one has robbed me of the pleasure I -have looked forward to for years: the joy of weeding my own garden on my -own land." - -"Mr. Prawley does not like automobile riding," continued Isobel, "and -he came to me this morning and told me his health was so poor that his -doctor had told him nothing but gardening could save his life. When he -showed the garden to his doctor, the doctor told him he was not getting -half enough gardening--that he must garden twice as much. I told Mr. -Prawley he could not have your half of the garden, because you were -passionately fond of it--" - -"True, Isobel!" I said, rubbing my back at the lamest spot. - -"But he begged on his knees, saying that while it was only a pleasure -for you, it was life and health for him, and when his wife wept, I had -not the heart to refuse. He said he would make a fair exchange, and that -as he was an anti-vegetarian you could have all the vegetables that grew -in your own half, and all that grew in his, too." - -"Isobel," I said, taking her hand, "this is a great, great -disappointment to me. It robs me of a pleasure of which I may say I -am passionately fond, but I cannot disown a contract made by my little -wife. Mr. Prawley may garden my half of the garden." - -I must admit that the Prawleys were ideal tenants. Not a sound came from -his floor of the house. Indeed, I did not see him nor his family at -all. But during my days in town he and Isobel seemed to have many -conversations, and she was so tender-hearted and easily moved that one -by one she let Mr. Prawley take all the outdoor work of which I may -rightly claim to be passion--to be exceedingly fond. - -Mowing the lawn is one of the things in which I delight. I ardently love -pushing the lawn mower, and if, occasionally, I allowed the grass to -grow rather long, it was only because I was saving the pleasure of -cutting it, as a child saves the icing of its cake for the last sweet -bite. I remember remarking, quite in joke, one morning, that the -confounded lawn needed mowing again, and that the grass seemed to do -nothing but grow, and that I'd probably have to break my back over it -when I got home that evening. But when I reached home that evening I -suspected that Isobel must have taken my little joke as earnest, for the -lawn was nicely mown and the edges trimmed. It seemed, when I questioned -Isobel, that Mr. Prawley's doctor was not satisfied with his progress -and had assured him that lawn mowing was necessary for his complete -recovery. Thus Isobel allowed Mr. Prawley to usurp another of my -pleasures. - -So, one by one, the outdoor tasks of which I am so passionately -fond were wrested from me. I allowed them to go because I thought it -necessary to humour Isobel in her pretence that some family occupied -a flat above us, and all seemed well; and we were ready to go to Port -Lafayette in Mr. Millington's automobile whenever it was ready to take -us, when one day in June I happened to notice that our grass was getting -unusually long and untidy. - -"Isobel," I said, "I have humoured Mr. Prawley, abandoning to him all -the outdoor chores of which I am so passionately fond, but if he is to -do this lawn I want him to do it, and not neglect it shamefully. I will -not have it looking like this!" - -"But, John--" she began. - -"I tell you, Isobel," I said, with rising anger, "I won't have it! -I'll stand a good deal, but when I have robbed myself of my greatest -pleasure, and then see the other man neglecting it, I rebel. If this -goes on I'll forget that Mr. Prawley has bad health. I'll enjoy cutting -the lawn myself!" - -"John," said Isobel, throwing her arms about my neck, "you will be so -glad! I have good news to tell you! The Prawleys have moved away! Now -you can do all your own hoeing and mowing." - -"The Prawleys have moved away?" I gasped. - -"Yes," she said cheerfully, "and now you can garden all the garden, and -cut all the lawn and rake all the walks, and weed, and do all the things -you are so fond of doing." - -"Isobel," I said sternly, "if I thought only of myself I would indeed be -glad. But I cannot have my little wife fearing the empty flat above her. -You must immediately hire another--er--get another family." - -"But I shall not be nervous any more, John," she said; "and it is a -shame to deprive you of the outdoor work." - -I looked out upon the large lawn and the large garden. - -"No, Isobel," I said, "you must take no chances. You may not think you -will be nervous, but the feeling may return. If you do not get a family -to move in, I shall!" - -I rubbed the palms of my hands where the blisters had been, and thought -of the middle of my back where the pains and aches had congregated. I -was ready to sacrifice my passionate longing for outdoor work once more -for Isobel's sake. - -[Illustration: 45] - -"Well," she said thoughtfully, "I know of an excellent coloured man in -Lower Westcote, that we can hire by the day--I mean that we can get to -move into the flat--but I can hardly afford, with my present allowance, -to pay his wages--that is, I mean--" - -"For some time, Isobel," I said hastily, "I have been thinking your -allowance was too small. You must have a--a great many household -expenses of which I know nothing." - -"I have," she said simply. - -That evening when I returned from the city I saw that the lawn grass -had been cut so closely that it looked as if the lawn had been shaved. -Isobel ran to meet me. - -"John!" she cried; "John! Who do you think has moved into the flat -overhead?" - -"Dear me!" I exclaimed. "How should I know?" - -"The Prawleys!" she cried. "The Prawleys have moved back again. Are you -not glad?" - -I concealed my chagrin. I hid the sorrow with which I saw my passionate -fondness for outdoor work once more defeated of its object. - -"Isobel," I said, "I wish you would tell Mr. Prawley's doctor to tell -Mr. Prawley that it is imperative for Mr. Prawley's best health that Mr. -Prawley dig the grass out of the gravel walks to-morrow. Tell him--" - -"I told him this evening to do the walks the first thing in the -morning," said Isobel innocently, "and when he has done them I am going -to have him help Mary wash the windows." - - - - -III. THE EQUINE PALACE - -"NOW that Mr. Prawley is back," I told Isobel, "we can take that trip to -Port Lafayette with Millington," and it was then Isobel mentioned the -advisability of keeping a horse; but Millington and I, not being afraid -of automobiles, began to go to Port Lafayette in his automobile. As a -rule we began to go every day, and sometimes twice a day, and I must say -for Millington's automobile that it was one of the most patient I have -ever seen. Patient and willing are the very words. It would start for -Port Lafayette as willingly as anything, and go along as patiently as -possible. It was a very patient goer. Haste had no charms for it. - -Millington used to come over bright and early and say cheerfully, "Well, -how would you like to take a little run out to Port Lafayette to-day?" -and I would get my cap, and we would go over to his garage and get into -the machine. Then Millington would pull a lever or two, and begin to -listen for noises indicative of internal disorders. As a rule, they -began immediately, but sometimes he would not hear anything that could -be called really serious until we reached the corner of the block. Once, -I remember, and I shall never forget the date, we went three miles -before Millington stopped the car and got out his wrenches and -antiseptic bandages and other surgical tools; but usually the noises -began inside of the block. Then we would push it home, and postpone the -trip for that day, while Millington laboured over the automobile. - -"We will get to Port Lafayette yet," he would say hopefully. - -As soon as Isobel mentioned keeping a horse I knew she was beginning to -like suburban life, and I was delighted. Having lived all her life in a -flat, her mind naturally ran to theatres and roof gardens, rather than -to the delights of the suburbs, and her reading still consisted more of -department store bargain sales and advertisements of new plays than -of seed catalogues and ready mixed paints, as a good suburban wife's -reading should; but as soon as she mentioned that it would be nice -to have a horse I knew she was at length falling a victim to the -allurements of our semi-country existence. In order to add fuel to the -flame I took up the suggestion with enthusiasm. - -"Isobel," I said warmly, "that is a splendid idea! A horse is just -what we need to add the finishing touch to our happiness! With these -splendid, tree-bordered roads--" - -"A horse that is not afraid of Mr. Millington's automobile," interposed -Isobel. - -"Certainly," I said, "a horse that you can drive without fear--" - -"But not a pokey old thing," said Isobel. - -"By no means," I agreed; "what we want is a young, fresh horse that can -get over the road--" - -"And gentle," said Isobel. "And strong. And he must be a good-looking -horse. One with a glossy skin. Reddish brown, with a long tail. I -would like a great, big, strong-looking horse, like the Donelleys', but -faster, like the Smiths'." - -"Exactly," I said. "That's the sort of horse I had in mind. And we will -get the horse immediately. I shall stay at home tomorrow and select -the kind of horse we want, unless Mr. Millington takes me to Port -Lafayette--" - -"Now, John," said Isobel, "you must not be too hasty. You must be -careful. I think the right way to buy a horse is to shop a little first, -and see what people have in stock, and not take the first thing that is -offered, the way you do when you buy shirts. You know how hideous some -of those last shirts are, and the arms far too long, and we don't want -anything like that to happen when you are buying a horse. I have been -talking to Mrs. Rolfs, and she says it is mere folly to buy the first -horse that is offered. Mrs. Rolfs says it stands to reason that a man -who wants to get rid of a horse would be the first man to offer it. As -soon as he learned we wanted a horse he would rush to us with the horse, -so as not to lose the chance of getting rid of it. And Mrs. Millington -says it is worse than foolish to wait until the very last horse is -offered and then buy that one, for the man that hung back in that way -would undoubtedly be the man that did not particularly care to part with -his horse, and would feel that he was doing us a favour, and would ask -a perfectly unreasonable price. The thing to do, John, is to buy, as -nearly as possible, the middle horse that is offered. If twenty-one -horses were offered the thing to do would be to buy the eleventh horse, -and in that way we would be sure to get a good horse at a reasonable -price." - -I told Isobel that what she said was perfectly logical, and that I would -get right to work and frame up an advertisement for the local paper, -saying we wanted a horse and would be glad to examine twenty-one of -them. - -"Now, wait a minute," she said, when I had started for my desk, "and -don't be in too great a hurry. You know the mistake you made in those -last socks you bought, by going into the first store you came to, and -the very first time you put on those socks they wore full of holes. We -don't want a horse that will wear like that. Mrs. Rolfs says we must be -very particular what sort of man we buy our horse from. She says it is -like suicide to buy a horse from a dealer, because a dealer knows so -much more about horses than we do, and is up to so many tricks, that he -would have no trouble at all in fooling us, and we would probably get a -horse that was worth nothing at all. And Mrs. Millington says it is the -greatest mistake in the world to buy a horse from an ordinary suburban -commuter. She says commuters know nothing at all about horses and just -buy them blindfold, and that, if we buy a horse from a commuter, we are -sure to get a worthless horse that the commuter has had foisted upon him -and is anxious to get rid of. The person to buy a horse of, John, is a -person that knows all about horses, but who is not a dealer." - -"My idea exactly," I told Isobel, and started for my desk again. - -"John, dear," said Isobel, before I had taken two steps, "why are you -always so impetuous? Of course I want a horse, and I would like to have -it as soon as possible, but I believe in exercising a little common -sense. Where, may I ask, are you going to keep the horse when you have -got him?" - -Now, this had not occurred to me, but I answered promptly. - -"I shall put him out to board," I said unhesitatingly, and there was -really nothing else I could say, for there was no stable on my place. I -know plenty of suburbanites who keep horses and have them boarded at the -livery stables. But this did not please Isobel. - -"You must do nothing of the kind!" said Isobel firmly. "Mrs. Rolfs and -Mrs. Millington both say there is nothing worse for a good horse than -to put it out to board. Mrs. Rolfs says it is much cheaper to keep your -horse in your own bam, and Mrs. Millington says she would have a very -low opinion of any man who would trust his horse to a liveryman. She -says the horse is man's most faithful servant, and should be treated -as such, and that she has not the least doubt that the liveryman -would underfeed our horse, and then let it out to hire to some young -harum-scarum, who would whip it into a gallop until it got overheated, -and then water it when it was so hot the water would sizzle in its -stomach, creating steam and giving it a bad case of colic. And Mrs. -Rolfs says the liveryman would be pleased with this, rather than sorry, -for then he would have to call in the veterinary, who would divide his -fee with the liveryman. So, you see, we must keep our horse in our own -stable." - -"But, my dear," I protested, "we have no stable." - -"Then we must build one," said Isobel with decision. "Mrs. Rolfs, as -soon as she heard we were going to keep a horse, lent me a magazine with -a picture of a very nice stable, and Mrs. Millington lent me another -magazine with some excellent hints on how a modern stable should be -arranged, and I think, with all the modern methods of doing things -rapidly, we might have our stable all complete in a week, or ten days at -the most." - -[Illustration: 61] - -When I looked at Mrs. Rolfs's picture of a stable I felt immediately -that it would not suit my purse. I admitted to Isobel that it was a -handsome stable, and that the cupola with the weather vane looked very -well indeed, and that the idea of having two wings extended from the -main building to form a sort of court was a good one; but I told her -it would inconvenience the traffic on the street before our house if we -moved our house far enough into the street to permit putting a stable of -that size in our back-yard. I also told her, as gently as I could, that -the style of architecture did not suit our house, for while our house -is a plain house, the stable recommended by Mrs. Rolfs was pressed brick -and stained shingles, with a slate roof. I also pointed out to Isobel -that one horse hardly needed a stable of that size, and that even a very -large horse would feel lonely in the main building. - -I remarked jocosely that it would be well enough, if we could keep two -or three grooms with nothing to do but hunt through the stable, trying -to find the horse. If we could afford to do that, it would be a pleasure -to awaken in the morning and have one of the grooms come running to us -with the light of joy on his face, saying, "What do you think, sir? - -"But I told her it would inconvenience the traffic on the street before -our house if we moved our house far enough into the street to permit -putting a stable of that size in our backyard." - -Isobel smiled in a wan, sad way at this, so I did not say, as I had -intended saying if she had received my joke well, that the only horse -requiring wings was Pegasus, and that he furnished his own. - -Instead, I took up Mrs. Millington's article on the modern stable. -It was a masterly article, indeed, and it spoke highly of the gravity -stable. No hay forks, no pitching up forage, no elevating feed, no -loading of manure from a heap into a wagon. No, indeed! Everything must -go down; the natural law of gravitation must do the work. Three stories, -with the rear of the stable against the side of the hill. Drive your -feed into the top story and unload it. Slide it down into the second -story to the horse. Through a trap in the stall the manure falls into a -wagon waiting to receive it. - -There were other details--electric lights, silver-mounted chains, -and other little things--but I did not pay much attention to them. I -explained to Isobel that it would be difficult to build a firm, -solid hill, large enough to back a three-story stable against, in our -backyard. Of course, there were plenty of hills in our part of Long -Island that were lying idle and might be had at low cost, but it costs -a great deal to move a hill, and all of them were so large they would -overlap our property and bury the homes of Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington. -This did not greatly impress Isobel, however, and I had to come out -firmly and tell her it would be impossible to build a stable three -stories high, with two wings, pressed brick, shingle walls, slate roof, -and a weather vane, and at the same time erect a nice hill and buy a -horse and rig, all with one thousand dollars, which was all the money I -could afford to spend. - -When I put it that way, and gave her her choice of one thousand dollars' -worth of hill, or one thousand dollars' worth of stable, or one thousand -dollars' worth of assorted horse, stable, and rig, she chose the last, -and only remarked that she would insist on the weather vane and the -manure pit. She said that Mrs. Rolfs had taken such an interest, -bringing over the magazine, that it was only right to have the weather -vane, at least; and that Mrs. Millington had been so interested and kind -that the very least we could do was to have the manure pit. - -"And another thing," said Isobel, "Mr. Prawley is going to move out of -the flat overhead." - -"Great Caesar!" I exclaimed. "Is that man quitting again? Isn't he -getting enough wages?" - -"Wages?" said Isobel. "Nothing has been said about wages. But this -Mr. Prawley will not stay if we buy a horse. He says he does not mind -gardening your garden and mowing your lawn and taking all your other -outdoor exercise for you, but that a horse once reached over the side of -the stall and bit him, and he doesn't want to work--to live in a place -where horses are liable to bite him at any time without a minute's -notice." - -"Tell that fellow," I said, "that we will get a horse that doesn't bite, -or that we will muzzle the horse, or--" - -"It would be easier," said Isobel, "to--to have a Prawley move in who -was not afraid of horses. I know of a man in East Westcote, and he has -had experience with horses--" - -"Very well," I said. "I suppose you will wish your allowance increased?" - -"Yes," said Isobel, "if the new Mr. Prawley moves into the flat -overhead, I will need about five dollars a month more than you have been -allowing me." - - - - -IV. "BOB" - -THE next morning I stayed at home to see about getting the stable built -in a hurry, but before I had finished breakfast Millington came over and -said it was an ideal day for a little spin up to Port Lafayette in his -automobile. He said the whole machine was in perfect order and we would -dash out to Port Lafayette, have a bath in the salt water, and come -spinning back, and he told Isobel and me to get on our hats, and he -would have the car before the door in a minute. - -Isobel and I hastily finished our coffee and put on our hats and went -out to the gate, for, although we were very eager to build the stable, -we did not like to offend Millington by refusing his invitation, when -he had asked us so often to go to Port Lafayette. In half an hour he -arrived at the gate, and we climbed in. - -Our usual custom, on these trips to Port Lafayette, was for Millington -and me to sit in front, while Isobel and Mrs. Millington sat in the -rear. There was a nice little gate in the rear by which they could -enter. - -You see, Millington's automobile was just a little old. I should not go -so far as to say it was the first automobile ever made. It was probably -the thirteenth, and Millington was probably the thirteenth owner. I know -it had four cylinders, because Millington was constantly remarking that -only three were working. Sometimes only one worked, and sometimes that -one did not. - -When we were all comfortably arranged in our seats, and all snugly -tucked in, Millington cranked the machine for half an hour, and then -remarked regretfully that this was one of the days none of the cylinders -was working, and we got out again. - -Mr. Rolfs had come out to see us start, and he helped Millington and -me push the automobile back to the Millington garage; and as I walked -homeward he said he had heard I was going to buy a horse, and he wanted -to give me a little advice. - -"Probably you have not given much attention to the subject of -deforestation," he said, "but I have, and it is the great crime of our -age." - -I told him I did not see what that had to do with my purchasing a horse, -but he said it had everything to do with it. - -"When you buy a horse, you have to erect a stable," he said, "and when -you erect a stable, you have to buy lumber, and when you have to -buy lumber, you suffer in your purse because the forests have been -ruthlessly destroyed. As a friend and neighbour I would not have you go -and purchase poor lumber, and with it build a stable that will rot to -pieces in a few years. You must buy the best lumber, and that is too -expensive to use recklessly. I want to warn you particularly about wire -nails. Do not let your builder use them. They loosen in a short time -and allow the boards to warp and crack. Personally, if I were building -a stable I should have the ends of the boards dovetailed, and instead of -nails I should use ash pegs, but I understand you do not wish to go to -great expense, so screws will do. Let it be part of your contract that -not a nail shall be used in your stable--nothing but screws, and if you -can afford brass screws, so much the better. But remember, no nails!" - -I thanked Rolfs, and when Millington came over to invite me to take a -little run up to Port Lafayette the next morning I told him what Mr. -Rolfs had said. - -"Now that is just like Rolfs," he said, "impractical as the day is long. -Screws would not do at all. The carpenters would drive the screws with -a hammer, and the screws would crack the wood. Take my advice and let it -be part of your contract that not a screw is to be used in your stable; -nothing but wire nails. _But_ stipulate long wire nails; wire nails so -long that they will go clear through and clinch on the other side, and -then see that each and every nail is clinched. If you do this you will -have no trouble with split lumber and not a board will work loose." - -When I spoke to the builder about the probable cost of the stable, I was -sorry I had been so lenient with Isobel, and that I had not put my foot -down on the weather vane at once. A weather vane does not add to the -comfort of a family horse, and the longer I spoke with the builder the -surer I became that what I needed was not a lot of gimcracks, but a -plain, simple, story-and-a-half affair, with the chaste architectural -lines of a dry-goods box. I mentioned, casually, the hints Mr. Rolfs -and Mr. Millington had given me, but the builder did not seem very -enthusiastic about them. He snorted in a peculiar way and then said that -if I was going in for that sort of thing I could get better results by -having no nails or screws at all. He said I could have holes bored -in the boards with a gimlet, and have the stable laced together with -rawhide thongs, but that when I got ready to talk business in a sensible -way, I could let him know. He said this was his busy day, and that his -office was not a lunatic asylum. - -I managed to calm him in less than half an hour, and he remained quite -docile until I mentioned Isobel and said she hoped he would have the -stable ready for the horse within a week. It took me much longer to calm -him that time. For a few moments I feared for his reason. But he quieted -down. - -Then I showed him a plan I had drawn, showing the working of the manure -dump, and this had quite a different effect on him. It pleased him -immensely, as I could see by his face. I explained how it operated; how -throwing a catch allowed one end of the stall floor to drop, while the -other end of the stall floor was held in place by hinges, and he said it -was certainly a new idea. He asked me whether it was Mr. Rolfs's idea -or Mr. Millington's, and when I told him I had worked out the plan -myself, he said he had rather thought so. - -"It is just such a plan as I should expect a man of your intelligence to -work out," he said. - -Then he asked to see my bank-book, and when I had shown him just how -much money I had, he said the best way to build the stable was by the -day. If it was built by the job, he explained, a builder naturally had -to hurry the job, and things were not done as carefully as I wished -them done; but if it was done by the day, every hammer stroke would be -carefully made, and I could pay every evening for the work done that -day. - -About the third week of the building operations those careful hammer -strokes began to get on my nerves. I never knew hammer strokes so -carefully considered and so cautiously delivered. The carpenters were -most careful about them, and several times I spoke to the builder and -suggested that if shorter nails were used perhaps it would not take -so many strokes of the hammer to drive them in. I told him, if he was -willing, I was willing to have the rest of the stable done by the job, -but he said it had gone too far for that. - -There were two men working on my stable--"two souls with but a single -thought," Isobel called them--and they were hard thinkers. The two of -them would take hold of a board, one at either end, and hold it in -their hands, and look at it, and think. I do not know what they thought -about--deforestation, probably--but they would think for ten minutes -and then put the board gently to one side and think about another board. -They did their thinking, as they did their work, by the day. - -[Illustration: 77] - -We had plenty of time in which to select our horse while our stable was -building. My advertisement in the local paper brought a horse to my door -the morning after it appeared, and no horse could have suited me quite -so well as that one, but I was resolute and firm. I told the man--he was -not a dealer nor yet a commuter, and my conversation with him showed me -that he knew just enough, and not too much, about horses--that I liked -his horse very well indeed, but that I could not purchase it.. At -this he seemed downcast, and I did not blame him. He seemed to take my -refusal as some sort of personal insult, for the horse was young, large, -strong, gentle, and speedy, and the price was right; but every time -I began to weaken Isobel said, "John, remember number eleven!" and I -refrained from purchasing that horse. I finally sent the man away with -warm expressions of my esteem for him as a man, but that did not seem to -cheer him much. - -An hour later another man brought another horse, and I sent him away -also, as was my duty, for he was only number two; but he was hardly gone -when horse number one appeared again. I saw at once that I was going -to have trouble with that man. He was so sure he had the horse I wanted -that he would not go away and stay away. He kept coming back, and each -time he went away sadder than before. He was a sad-looking man, anyway, -and he would sit in his buggy and talk to me until another horse was -driven up, and then he would sigh and drive down to the corner, and sit -and look at me reproachfully until the other man drove away again. Then -he would drive back and reproach me, with tears in his eyes, for not -buying his horse. By lunch time I was almost worn out, and I told Isobel -as much when I looked out of the window and saw that handsome horse and -his sad driver waiting patiently at my gate. I told her I was tempted to -take that horse, Mrs. Rolfs or no Mrs. Rolfs. - -"Take that horse?" said Isobel, as if my words surprised her. "Why, of -course we are going to take that horse!" - -"But, my dear," I said, "after what you told me about taking the -eleventh horse?" - -"Certainly," said Isobel. "What is this but the eleventh horse? It came -first, and then another horse came, and then this one came third, and -then some other horse came, and then this one came fifth, and so on, and -now it is standing there at the gate, the eleventh horse. Certainly we -will buy this horse." - -"Isobel," I said, "we might quite as well have bought it the first time -it was driven to our gate as this time." - -"Not at all," she said; "that would have been an altogether different -thing. If we had taken the first horse that was offered we would have -regretted it all our lives; but now we can take this horse and feel -perfectly safe." - -Bob--that was the name of the horse--fitted into our stable pretty well. -He had to bend rather sharply in the middle to get out of his stall, but -he was quite limber for a horse of his age and size, so he managed -it very well. A stiffer horse might have broken in two or have been -permanently bent. The stall was so economically built that a large, -long horse like Bob stuck out of it like a long ship in a short dock; he -stuck out so far that we had to go around through the carriage room to -get on the other side of him. Our new Mr. Prawley did not mind this. He -was willing to spend all the time necessary going from one bit of work -to another. - -There was one advantage in having the stable and everything about it on -a small scale--it lessened the depth of the manure pit. The very first -night we put Bob in his stall we heard a loud noise in the stable. -Isobel suggested that we had overfed Bob, and that he had swelled out -and pressed out the sides of the stable, but I thought it more likely -that the weather-boarding had slipped loose. I had seen the thoughtful -carpenters putting that weather-boarding on the stable. But Isobel and I -were both wrong. Bob had merely dropped into the manure pit. - -I was glad then that I had chosen a strong horse, for he did not seem -to mind the drop in the least. He stood there with his front feet in the -basement, as you might say, and with his rear feet upstairs, quite as -if that was his usual way of standing. After that he often fell into the -manure pit, and he always took it good-naturedly. He got so he expected -it, after awhile, and if his stall floor did not drop once a day, he -became restless and took no interest in his food. Usually, during the -day, Bob and Mr. Prawley dropped into the basement together while Mr. -Prawley was currying Bob, but at night, when we heard Bob calling us in -the homesick, whinnying tone, and kicking his heels against the side -of the stable, we knew what he wanted, and to prevent him kicking the -stable to ruins, we--Isobel and I--would go out and drop him into the -basement a couple of times. Then he would be satisfied. - -There was but one thing we feared: Bob might become so fond of having -his forefeet in the basement and his rear feet upstairs, that he would -stand no other way, and in course of time his front legs would have to -lengthen enough to let his head reach his manger, or his neck would have -to stretch. Either would give him the general appearance of a giraffe. -While this would be neat for show purposes, it would attract almost too -much attention in a family horse. I have no doubt this is the way the -giraffe acquired its peculiar construction, but we were able to avoid -it, for we awoke one night when Bob made an unaided descent into the -manure pit, and when we went to aid him we found he had descended at -both ends, on account of the economical hinges used on the drop floor -of the stall of our equine palace. Bob showed in every way that he had -enjoyed that drop more than any drop he had ever taken, but I drew the -line there. I had other things to do more important than conducting a -private Coney Island for a horse. If Bob had been a colt I might not -have been so stern about it, but I will not pamper a staid old family -horse by operating shoot-the-chutes and loop-the-loops for him at two -o'clock in the morning. - -"Isobel," I said, "if that horse is to continue in my stable you may -tell Mr. Prawley that it is necessary for his health that he sleep in -the stable-loft hereafter. It will be good exercise for him to get up at -midnight and pull Bob out of the manure pit." - -"This present Mr. Prawley will not do it," said Isobel. "He has a wife -and family at East Westcote, and he--" - -"Very well," I said, "then get another Mr. Prawley!" - -Of the new Mr. Prawley it is necessary to speak a few words. - - - - -V. THE NEW MR. PRAWLEY - - -THE new Mr. Prawley (by this time a family, but we still clung to the -name Prawley, just as all coloured waiters are called "George") was a -most unusual man. - -For a month before we hired him he had been trying to undermine Isobel's -faith in the Mr. Prawley from East Westcote. He had called at the house -two or three times a week. At first he merely asked for the job of -man-of-all-work, as any applicant might have asked for it, but he soon -began speaking of our Prawley in the most damaging terms. I believe -there was hardly a crime or misdemeanour that he did not lay at the door -of our Mr. Prawley, and so insistent was he that Isobel and I had ceased -to speak of him as living in our attic. - -Isobel decided the two men must be deadly enemies, and that this -fellow was set on hounding our Mr. Prawley from pillar to post, like an -avenging angel. She concluded that this man must have been frightfully -wronged by our Mr. Prawley, and that he had sworn to dog his footsteps -to the grave. - -But when she let our Mr. Prawley go and hired this new Mr. Prawley, -his interest in his predecessor ceased entirely. In place of the eager, -longing look his face had worn, he now wore a thin, satisfied look, -which I can best describe as that of a hungry jackal licking his chops. -Mr. Prawley--his name, he told us, was Duggs, Alonzo Duggs, but we -called him Mr. Prawley--was a tall, lean, villanous-looking fellow, with -a red, pointed beard, and at times when he leaned on the division fence -and looked into Mr. Millington's yard I could see his fingers opening -and shutting like the claws of a bird of prey. He seemed to hate Mr. -Millington With a deep but hidden hatred, and often, when Mr. Millington -was preparing to take Isobel and me to Port Lafayette, Mr. Prawley would -stand and grit his teeth in the most unpleasant manner. When I spoke -to Mr. Prawley about it he said, "It isn't Mr. Millington. It is the -automobile. I hate automobiles!" - -For that matter, I was beginning to hate them myself. Many a pleasant -ride behind Bob did I have to sacrifice because Millington insisted that -we take a little run up to Port Lafayette with him and Mrs. Millington. -We would all get into his car, and Millington would pull his cap down -tight, and begin to frown and cock his head on one side to hear signs of -asthma or heart throbs or whatever the automobile might take a notion to -have that day. And off we would go! - -I tell you, it was exhilarating. After all there is nothing like -motoring. We would roll smoothly down the street, with Millington -frowning like a pirate all the way, and then suddenly he would hear the -noise he was listening for, and he would stop frowning, and jerk a lever -that stopped the car, and hop out with a satisfied expression, and begin -to whistle, and open the car in eight places, and take out an assorted -hardware store, and adhesive tape, and blankets, and oil cans, and -hatchets, and axes, and get to work on the car as happy as a babe; and -Mrs. Millington and Isobel and I would walk home. - -The sight of an automobile seemed to madden Mr. Prawley, but otherwise -he was the meekest of men, and a good example of this was the manner in -which he behaved at our Christmas party. - -The idea of having a good, old-fashioned Christmas house party for our -city friends was Isobel's idea, but the moment she mentioned it I adopted -it, and told her we would have Jimmy Dunn out. Jimmy Dunn is one of -those rare men that have acquired the suburban-visit habit. Usually when -we suburbanites invite a city friend to spend the week-end with us, the -city friend balks. - -Into his frank eyes comes a furtive, shifty look as he tries to think -of an adequate lie to serve as an excuse for not coming, but Jimmy was -taken in hand when he was young and flexible, and he has become meek and -docile under adversity, as I might say. When any one invites Jimmy to -the suburbs he hardly makes a struggle. I suppose it is because of the -gradual weakening of his will power. - -"Good!" I said. "We will have Jimmy Dunn out over Christmas." - -"Oh! Jimmy Dunn!" scoffed Isobel gently. "Of course we will have Jimmy, -but what I mean is to have a lot of people--ten at least--and we must -have at least two lovers, because they will look so well in that little -alcove room off the parlour, and we can go in and surprise them once -in a while. And we will have a Santa Claus, and lots of holly and -mistletoe, and a tree with all sorts of foolish presents on it for every -one, and--" - -"Splendid!" I cried less enthusiastically. - -"Now as for the ten--" - -"Well," said Isobel, "we will have Jimmy Dunn--" - -"That is what I suggested," I said meekly. "We will have Jimmy Dunn," -repeated Isobel, "and then we will have--we will have--I wonder who we -could get to come out. Mary might come, if she wasn't in Europe." - -"That would make two," I said cheerfully, "if she wasn't in Europe." -"And we must have a Yule-log!" exclaimed Isobel. "A big, blazing -Yule-log, to drink wassail in front of, and to sing carols around." -I told Isobel that, as nearly as I could judge, the fireplaces in our -house had not been constructed for big, blazing Yule-logs. I reminded -her that when I had spoken to the last owner about having a grate fire -he had advised us, with great excitement, not to attempt anything so -rash. He had said that if we were careful we might have a gas-log, -provided it was a small one and we did not turn on the gas full force, -and were sure our insurance was placed in a good, reliable company. He -had said that if we were careful about those few things, and kept a -pail of water on the roof in case of emergency, we might use a gas-log, -provided we extinguished it as soon as we felt any heat coming from it. -I had not, at the time, thought of mentioning a Yule-log to him, but -I told Isobel now that perhaps we might be able to find a small, -gas-burning Yule-log at the gas company's office. Isobel scoffed at the -idea. She said we might as well put a hot-water bottle in the grate and -try to be merry around that. - -"I don't see," she said, "why people build chimneys in houses if it is -going to be dangerous to have a fire in the fireplace." - -"They improve the ventilation, I suppose," I said, "and then, what would -Santa Claus come down if there were no chimneys?" - -I frequently drop these half-joking remarks into my conversations with -Isobel, and not infrequently she smiles at them in a faraway manner, but -this time she jumped at the remark and seized it with both hands. - -"John!" she cried, "that is the very, very thing! We will have Santa -Claus come down the chimney! And you will be Santa Claus!" I remained -calm. Some men would have immediately remembered they had prior -engagements for Christmas. Some men would have instantly declared that -Santa Claus was an unworthy myth. But not I! I dropped upon my hands and -knees and gazed up the chimney. When I withdrew my head, I stood up and -grasped Isobel's hand. - -"Fine!" I cried with well-simulated enthusiasm. "I'll get an automobile -coat from Millington, and sleigh bells and a mask with a long white -beard--" - -"And a wig with long white hair," Isobel added joyously. - -"And while our guests are all at dinner," I cried, "I will steal away -from the table--" - -"John!" exclaimed Isobel. "You can't be Santa Claus! Can't you see that -it would never, never do for you to leave the table when your guests -were all there? You cannot be Santa Claus, John!" - -"Oh, Isobel!" - -"No," she said firmly, "you cannot be Santa Claus. Jimmy Dunn must be -Santa Claus!" - -We had Jimmy Dunn out the next Sunday and broke it to him as gently as -we could, and explained what a lot of fun it would be for him, and how -I envied him the chance. For some reason he did not become wildly -enthusiastic. Instead he kneeled down, as I had done, and put his head -into the fireplace, in his usual slow-going manner, and looked up to -where the small oblong of blue sky glowed far, far above him. - -When he withdrew his head, he began some maundering talk about, an uncle -of his in Baltimore who was far from well, and who was likely to be -extremely dead or sick or married about Christmas time, but I had had -too much experience with such excuses to pay any attention to him. -Isobel and I gathered about him and talked as fast as we could, with -merry little laughs, and presently Jimmy seemed more resigned, and said -he supposed if he had to be Santa Claus there was no way out of it if -he wanted t o keep our friendship. So when he suggested getting an -automobile coat to wear, we hailed it as a splendidly original idea, -and patted him on the back, and he went away in a rather good humour, -particularly when we told him he need not come all the way down from the -top of the chimney, but could get into the chimney from the room above -the parlour. I told him it would be no trouble at all to take out the -iron back of the fireplace, for it was almost falling out, and that we -would have a ladder in the chimney for him to come down. - -It was Mrs. Rolfs who changed our plans. - -As soon as she heard we were going to have a Santa Claus, she brought -over a magazine and showed Isobel an article that said Santa Claus was -lacking in originality, and that it was much better to have two little -girls dressed as snow fairies distribute the presents from the tree, -and Mrs. Rolfs said she was willing to lend us her two daughters, if we -insisted. So we had to insist. - -[Illustration: 99] - -By the merest oversight, such as might occur in any family excited over -the preparations for a Christmas party, Isobel forgot to tell Jimmy Dunn -that the plan was changed. She had enough to think of without thinking -of that, for she found, at the last moment, that she could not pick up a -regularly constituted pair of lovers for the little alcove room, and -she had to patch up a temporary pair of lovers by inviting Miss Seiler, -depending on Jimmy Dunn to do the best he could as the other half of the -pair. Of course Jimmy Dunn does not talk much, and it was apt to be a -surprise to him to learn he was scheduled to make love, but Miss Seiler -talks enough for two. When Jimmy arrived, about four o'clock Christmas -eve, Isobel let him know he was to be a lover, but he was then in the -house, and it was too late for him to get away. - -Isobel had done nobly in securing guests. Jimmy and Miss Seiler were the -only guests from the city, but she had captured some suburbanites. Ten -of us made merry at the table--that is, all ten except Jimmy. I was -positively ashamed of Jimmy. There we were at the culminating hours of -the merry Yule-tide, gathered at the festive board itself, with a bowl -of first-rate home-made wassail with ice in it, and Jimmy was expected -to smile lovingly, and blush, and all that sort of thing, and what did -he do? He sat as mute as a clam, and started uneasily every time a new -course appeared. Before dessert arrived he actually arose and asked to -be excused. - -Now, if _you_ intended making a fool of yourself in a friend's house by -impersonating Santa Claus and coming down a chimney in a fur automobile -coat, and nonsense like that, _you_ would have sense enough to remember -which room upstairs had the chimney that led down into the parlour -fireplace, wouldn't you? So I blame Jimmy entirely, and so does Isobel. -Jimmy says--of course he had to have some excuse--that we might have -told him we had given up the idea of having Santa Claus come down the -chimney, and that if we had wanted him to come down any particular -chimney we should have put a label on it. "Santa Claus enter here," I -suppose. - -Jimmy said he did the best he could; that he knew he did not have much -time between the threatened appearance of the dessert and the time -he was supposed to issue from the fireplace--and so on! He was quite -excited about it. Quite bitter, I may say. - -It seems--or so Jimmy says--that, when he left the table, Jimmy went -upstairs and got into his automobile coat of fur, and his felt boots, -and his mask, and his fur gloves, and his long white hair, and his -stocking hat, and that about the time we were sipping coffee he was -ready. He says it was no joke to be done up in all those things in an -overheated house, and he thought if he got into the chimney he might -be in a cool draught, so he poked about until he found a fireplace and -backed carefully into it, and pawed with his left foot for the top rung -of the ladder. That was about the time we arose from the table with -merry laughs, as nearly as Isobel and I can judge. - -No one missed Jimmy, except Miss Seiler, and she was so unused to being -made love to as Jimmy made love that she thought nothing of a temporary -absence. It was not until I took Jimmy's present from the tree and sent -one of the Rolfs fairies to hand it to Jimmy that we realized he was not -in the parlour, and then Isobel and I both felt hurt to think that -Jimmy had selfishly withdrawn from among us when we had gone to all the -trouble of getting the other half of a pair of lovers especially on his -account. It was not fair to Miss Seiler, and I told Jimmy so the next -time I saw him. - -When the Rolfs fairy had looked in all the rooms, upstairs and down, and -had not found Jimmy, she came back and told Isobel, and that was when -Isobel remembered she had forgotten to tell Jimmy we had given up the -idea of having a Santa Claus. Isobel looked up the parlour chimney, but -he was not there, and then we all started merrily looking up chimneys. -We found Santa Claus up the library chimney almost immediately. He was -still kicking, but not with much vim--more like a man that is kicking -because he has nothing else to do than like a man that enjoys it. - -I think we must have been gathering around the Christmas tree to the -cheery music of a carol when Santa Claus put his foot on a loose brick -in the fireplace and slipped. I claim that if Santa Claus had instantly -thrown his body forward he would have been safe enough, but Santa Claus -says he did not have time--that he slid down the chimney immediately, as -far as his arms would let him. He says that when he caught the edge of -the hearth with his hands he did yell; that he yelled as loud as any -man could who was wrapped in a fur coat and had his mouth full of white -horse-hair whiskers and his face covered by a mask. I say that proves he -yelled just as we were singing the carol. He should have yelled a moment -sooner, or should have waited half an hour, until the noise in the -parlour abated. Santa Claus says he tried to stay there half an hour, -but the two bricks he had grasped did not want to wait. They wanted to -hurry down the chimney without further delay, and they had their own way -about it. So Santa Claus went on down with them. - -I tell Santa Claus that even if we were singing carols we would have -heard him if he had fallen to the library floor with a bump, and that it -was his fault if he did not fall heavily, but he blames the architect. -He says that if the chimney had been built large enough he would have -done his part and would have fallen hard, but that when he reached the -narrow part of the chimney he wedged there. I said that was the fault -of wearing an automobile coat that padded him out so he could not fall -through an ordinary chimney, and I asked him if he thought any man who -meant to fall down chimneys had ever before put on an automobile coat to -fall in. - -Certainly I, the host, could not be expected to stop the laughter and -merriment when I was taking presents from the tree, and bid every one be -silent and listen for the muffled tones of a Santa Claus in the library -chimney. I do not say Santa Claus did not yell as loudly as he could. -Doubtless he did. And I do not say he did not try to get out of the -chimney. He says he did, but that with his arms crowded above his head -he could do nothing but reach. He says he also kicked, but there was -nothing to kick. He says the most fruitless task in the world is to kick -when wedged in a chimney with a whole fur automobile coat crowded up -under the arms and nothing below to kick but air. - -Luckily I was able to send for Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington, whose -advice is always valuable, since when I know what they advise I know -what not to do. Mr. Rolfs rushed in and was of the opinion that we must -get a chisel and chisel a hole in the library wall as near as possible -to where Santa Claus was reposing, but when Mr. Millington arrived, -breathless, he said this would be simple murder, for as likely as not -the chisel would enter between two bricks and perforate Santa Claus -beyond repair. Mr. Millington said the thing to do was to get a -clothesline and attach it to Santa Claus's feet and pull him down. He -said it was logical to pull him downward, because we would then be aided -by the law of gravitation. Mr. Rolfs said this was nonsense, and that -it would only wedge Santa Claus in the chimney more tightly, and that we -would, in all probability, pull him in two, or at least stretch him out -so long that he would never be very useful again. - -Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington became quite heated in their argument. Mr. -Rolfs said that if a rope was to be used it should be used to pull Santa -Claus upward, but they compromised by agreeing to cut the clothesline -in two, choose up sides, and let one side pull Santa Claus upward, -while the other pulled him downward. Then Santa Claus would move in -the direction of least resistance. So they got the clothesline, and Mr. -Rolfs was about to cut it, when Miss Seiler screamed. - -I was doubly glad she screamed just at that juncture, for we had all -become so interested in the Rolfs-Millington controversy that we had -forgotten how perishable a human being is, and, with two such stubborn -men as Rolfs and Millington urging us on, we might have pulled -Santa Claus in two while our sporting instincts were aroused by the -tug-of-war. That was one reason I was glad Miss Seiler screamed. The -other reason was that it showed she was doing her share of representing -one half of a pair of lovers. She had done rather poorly up to that -time, but she saw that when her lover was about to be pulled asunder was -the time to scream, if she was ever going to scream, so she screamed. -So we all went upstairs and let the rope down to Santa Claus, and the -entire merry Christmas house party pulled, and after we had jerked a few -times up came Santa Claus with a sudden bump. - -At that moment Miss Seiler screamed again, and when we turned we saw -the reason, for the glass door to the little upper porch had opened and -Jimmy Dunn was entering the room. - -We laid Santa Claus on the floor and let him kick, for he seemed to have -acquired the habit, but after awhile he slowed down and only jerked his -legs spasmodically. Mr. Millington explained that it was only the reflex -action of the muscles, and that probably Santa Claus would kick like -that for several months, whenever he lay down. He said if we had -followed his advice and pulled downward we would have yanked all the -reflex action out of the legs. - -As soon as I pulled the mask from his face I recognized Mr. Prawley. -Jimmy slipped out of the room and walked all the way to the station, and -Miss Seiler stood around, not knowing whether she was to be half of -a pair of lovers with Mr. Prawley as the other half, or stop being a -lover, or weep because Jimmy had gone. I felt sorry for her, because Mr. -Prawley was not a good specimen of a Christmas lover just then. When -we stood him on his feet his trousers were still pushed up around his -knees, and his fur coat was around his neck. He was so weak we had to -hold him up. - -"What I want to know," said Mr. Millington, "is what you were doing in -that chimney in my automobile coat?" - -"Doing?" said Mr. Prawley. "Why, I'm jolly old Santa Claus. I come down -chimneys." - -"Well, my advice to you, Mr. Prawley," I said, "is to stop it. You don't -do it at all right. Don't try it again. I've had enough of this jolly -old Santa Claus business. Who told you to do it?" - -"The little gentleman with the scared look," said Mr. Prawley, looking -around for Jimmy Dunn. "He isn't here." - -"And what did he give you for doing it?" I asked. - -"Nothing!" said Mr. Prawley. "He just--" - -"Just what?" I asked when he hesitated. Mr. Prawley drew me to one side -and whispered. - -"He said I might wear an automobile coat. And I couldn't resist the -temptation," said Mr. Prawley. "I've been hankering to get inside an -automobile coat for weeks and weeks, sir. I couldn't resist." - -Of course, I could make nothing of this at the time, so I merely said a -few words of good advice, and ordered Mr. Prawley never to try the Santa -Claus impersonation again. - -"Of course, I'm only an amateur at it," said Mr. Prawley apologetically, -and then he brightened, "but I made good speed as far as I got. I'll bet -I broke the world's speed record for jolly old Santa Clauses!" - - - - -VI. THE SPECKLED HEN - -IN ORDER to relieve the reader's suspense, I may as well say here that -Jimmy Dunn did not marry Miss Seiler. It is too bad to have to sacrifice -what promised to be a first-class love interest, but the truth is that -there is less chance of Jimmy ever marrying Miss Seiler than there -seemed likelihood of Isobel and me reaching Port Lafayette in Mr. -Millington's automobile. - -Usually when we started for Port Lafayette, my wife and Millington's -wife would dress for the matinee or church, or wherever they intended -going that day, and when Millington heard the knocking sound in his -engine and began to get out his tools, they would excuse themselves -politely and go and spend the day in the city. They usually returned -in time to get into the car and ride back to the garage. But I stuck to -Millington. You never can tell when a car of that kind will be ready to -start up, and I was really very anxious to go to Port Lafayette. I spent -some very delightful days with Millington that way, for when he was -mending his car he was always in a charming humour, and as gay and -playful as a kitten. - -I began to fear that one, if not the only, reason why Mr. Millington was -always in such a good humour when his car was in a bad one, was because -I had told him that I had heard of a man in Port Lafayette who had a -fine farm of White Wyandotte chickens, and that I thought I might buy -some for my place. Millington does not believe in Wyandottes. He is all -for Orpingtons. - -It is remarkable how many wives object to chickens. I do not blame -Isobel for not liking chickens, for she was born in a flat, and I am -willing to make allowances for her lack of education; but why Mrs. Rolfs -and Mrs. Millington should dislike chickens was beyond my comprehension. -Both were born in the suburbs, and grew up in a real chickenish -atmosphere, and still they do not keep chickens. I must say, however, -that Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington are persons of greater intelligence. -Almost the first day I moved into the suburb of Westcote, Mr. Rolfs -leaned over the division fence and complimented me on my foresight in -purchasing such an admirable place on which to raise chickens. He told -me that if I needed any advice about chickens he would be glad to supply -me with all I wished, just as a neighbourly matter. He seemed to take it -as a matter of course that I would arrange for a lot of chickens as soon -as I was fairly settled on the place, and in this he was seconded by Mr. -Millington. - -When Mr. Millington saw Mr. Rolfs talking to me, he came right over and -said that, while he hated to boast, he had studied chickens from A to -Gizzard, and that when I was ready to get my chickens he could give me -some suggestions that would be simply invaluable. We talked the chicken -matter over very thoroughly, and I soon saw that they were men of -knowledge and deep experience in chicken matters, and when they had -decided that I would keep chickens, and what kind of chickens, and where -I should build the coop, and what kind of coop I should build, we all -shook hands warmly, and I went around front to tell Isobel. I was very -enthusiastic about chickens when I went. - -After I had interviewed Isobel for three minutes I learned, definitely, -that I was not going to keep chickens. There were a great many things -Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington had not said about chickens, and those were -the very things Isobel told me, and they were all reasons for not having -chickens on the place at all. She also threw in an opinion of Mr. Rolfs -and Mr. Millington. It seemed that they were two villains of the most -depraved sort, who did not dare keep chickens themselves because they -were afraid of their wives, and who were trying to steal a vicarious joy -by bossing my chickens when I got them, but that I was not going to get -any. Absolutely! - -Of course, I always do what Isobel tells me, and when she told me I was -not going to have chickens, I obeyed. But I merely told Mr. Rolfs -and Mr. Millington when they came over the next day, that I had been -thinking the matter over and that I was doubtful whether the south corner -or the north corner would be the best place for the coop. So we three -went and looked over the ground again. Both favoured the north corner, -so I hung back and seemed undecided and doubtful, and finally, in a week -or two, they agreed with me. - -[Illustration: 123] - -I never saw two men so anxious to have a neighbour keep chickens. They -were willing to let me have almost everything my own way. It was quite a -strain on me, for I had to think of a new objection to their plans every -day or so, but I could see the suspense was harder on Mr. Rolfs and Mr. -Millington. Every morning they came and hung over my fence wistfully, -and every evening they came over and talked chickens, and on the train -to town they spoke freely of the chickens they were going to keep. In -a month they were talking of the chickens they _were_ keeping, and -bragging about them; and old-seasoned chicken raisers used to hunt them -up and sit with them and ask for information on knotty points. - -Toward fall Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington were beginning to talk about -the large sums of money they were making out of their chickens, and -promising settings of their White Orpington and White Wyandotte eggs to -the commuters, and they began to be really annoying. They would stand -at the fence, hollow-eyed and hungry-looking, staring into my yard, and -when I passed they would make slighting remarks about me and the lack of -decision in my character. They said sneeringly that they did not believe -I would ever get any chickens. - -"You, Millington, and you, Rolfs," I said firmly, "should remember one -thing: I am the man who is getting these chickens, and the main thing in -raising chickens is to start right. I do not want to go into this thing -hastily and then regret it all my life. If you do not like my way, all -you have to do is to build coops yourselves and buy chickens and raise -them yourselves. Be patient. Every day I am learning more about chickens -from your conversations on the train, and when I do get my chickens you -will find I have profited by your suggestions." - -Millington and Rolfs had to be satisfied with that, so far as I was -concerned, for although I spoke to Isobel frequently on the subject of -chickens she had not changed. I silenced Millington by telling him I -would have chickens long before he ever succeeded in taking Isobel and -me to Port Lafayette in his automobile. - -"If that is all you are waiting for," he said, "we will start -to-morrow," and so we did; but that was all. - -Millington and Rolfs, during the winter, worked off some of their -surplus chicken energy writing letters to the poultry periodicals. My -friends in town began asking me why I did not keep chickens when I -lived near to such chicken experts as Rolfs and Millington, by whose -experience I could profit; but the worst came one day on the train when -Rolfs actually had the assurance to offer me a setting of his White -Wyandotte eggs. I blame Rolfs and Millington for acting in this way. No -man should brag about chickens he has not; I only bragged about those I -meant to get. - -By the time spring put forth her tender leaves, Rolfs and Millington -were so deep in their imaginary chicken business that they talked -nothing else, and all their spare time was spent in my yard, urging me -to hurry a little and get the chickens. - -"I wish you would hurry a bit in getting those chickens of mine," -Millington would say; "I ought to have at least ten hens sitting by this -time." And then Rolfs would say: "He is right about that. Unless you get -my White Wyandottes soon, the chicks will not be hatched out before -cold weather. I ought to have the hens on the eggs now." Occasionally I -mentioned chickens in an off-hand way to Isobel, but she had not changed -her views. - -"Now, Isobel," I would say, "about chickens--" - -At the word "chickens" Isobel would look at me reproachfully, and I -would end meekly: "About chickens, as I was saying. Don't you think we -could have a pair of broilers to-morrow?" - -As a matter of fact, this happened so often that I began to hate the -sight of a broiled chicken, and was forced to mention roast chicken once -in a while. It was after one of these times that the event happened that -stirred all Westcote. - -I had reached a point where I dodged Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington when -I saw them, in order to avoid their insistent clamour for chickens, when -one evening Isobel met me at the door with a smile. - -"John!" she cried. "What do you think! Our chicken laid an egg!" - -"Chicken?" I asked anxiously. "Did you say chicken?" - -"And I am going to give you the egg for dinner," cried Isobel joyfully. -"Just think, John! Our own egg, laid by our own chicken! Do you want -it fried, or boiled, or scrambled?" - -"Isobel," I demanded, "what is the meaning of all this?" - -"I just could not kill the hen," Isobel ran on, "after it had been -so--so friendly. Could I? I felt as if I would be killing one of the -family." - -"People do get to feeling that way about chickens when they keep them," -I said insinuatingly. "Why, Isobel, I have known wives to love chickens -so warmly--wives that had never cared a snap for chickens before--wives -that hated chickens--and they grew to love chickens so well that as -soon as the coop was made--of course it was a nice, clean, airy coop, -Isobel--and the dear little fluffy chicks began to peep about--" - -Isobel stiffened. - -"John," she said finally "you are not going to keep chickens!" - -"Certainly not!" I agreed hastily. - -"But of course we can't kill Spotty," said Isobel. "I call her Spotty -because that seems such a perfect name for her. I telephoned for a -roaster this morning, because you suggested having a roaster for dinner, -John, and when the roaster came it was a _live_ chicken! Imagine!" - -"Horrors!" I exclaimed. - -"I should think so!" agreed Isobel. "So there was nothing to do but -'phone the grocer to come and get the live roaster, but when I 'phoned, -his grandmother was much worse, and the store was closed until she -got better--or worse--and I couldn't bear to see the poor thing in the -basket with its legs tied all that time, for there is no telling how -long an old person like a grandmother will remain in the same condition, -so I loosened the roaster in the cellar, and at a quarter past four I -heard it cluck. It had laid an egg. I knew that the moment I heard it -cluck." - -"Isobel," I said, "you were born to be the wife of a chicken fancier! -You shall eat that egg!" - -"No, John," she said, "you shall eat it. It is our first real egg, laid -by our dear little Spotty, and you shall eat it." - -"No, Isobel," I began, and then, as I saw how determined she was, I -compromised. "Let us have the egg scrambled," I said, "and each of us -eat a part." - -"Very well," said Isobel, "if you will promise not to kill Spotty. We -will keep her forever and forever!" - -I agreed. Isobel kissed me for that. - -After we had eaten the egg--and both Isobel and I agreed that it was -really a superior egg--we went down cellar and looked at Spotty. I -should say she was a very intelligent-looking hen, but homely. There was -nothing flashy about her. She was the kind of hen a man might enter -in the Sweepstakes class, and not get a prize, and then enter in the -Consolation class and not get a prize, and then enter for the Booby -prize and still be outclassed, and then enter in the Plain Old Barnyard -Fowl class and not get within ten miles of a prize, and then be taken -to the butcher as a Boarding House Broiler, and be refused on account of -age, tough looks, and emaciation. - -She was no pampered darling of the hen house, but a plain old -Survival-of-the-Fittest Squawker; the kind of hen that along about the -first of May begins clucking in a vexed tone of voice, flies over the -top of a two-story bam, and wanders off somewhere into the tall grass -back of the cow pasture, to appear some weeks later with twelve chicks -of twelve assorted patterns, ranging from Shanghai-bantam to plain -yellow nondescript. She was a good, durable hen of the old school, with -a wary, startled eye, an extra loud squawk, and a brain the size of a -grain of salt. - -Spotty was the sort of hen that could go right along day after day -without steam heat or elevators in her coop and manage to make a living. -As soon as I saw her, my heart swelled with pride, for I knew I had -secured a very rare variety of hen. Since every man that can tell a -chicken from an ostrich--and some that can't--has become a chicken -fancier, the aristocratic, raised-by-hand, pedigree fowl has become as -common as dirt, and it is indeed difficult to secure a genuine mongrel -hen. I was elated. As nearly as I could judge by first appearances, I -was the owner of one of the most mongrel hens that ever laid a plain, -omelette-quality egg. - -When I had made a coop by nailing a few slats across the front of a soap -box, and had nailed Spotty in, I took the coop under my arm and went -into the back yard. Mr. Millington was there, and Mr. Rolfs was there, -and they were arguing angrily about the respective merits of White -Wyandottes and White Orpingtons, but when they saw me they uttered two -loud cries of joy and ran to meet me. I tried to cling to the coop, but -they wrested it from me and together carried it in triumph to the north -corner and set it on the grass. Mr. Millington pulled his compass from -his pocket and set the coop exactly as advised by "The Complete Poultry -Guide," with the bars facing the morning sun, and Rolfs hurried into the -back lot and hunted up a piece of bone, which he crushed with a brick -and placed in the coop, as advised by "The Gentleman Poultry Fancier." -He told us that a supply of bone was most necessary if he expected his -hen to lay eggs, and that he knew this hen of his was going to be a -great layer. He said he had given the egg question years of study, and -that he could tell a good egger when he saw one. - -[Illustration: 135] - -Millington told me his coop was not as he had meant it to be, but said -it would do until he could get one built according to scientific poultry -principles. He pointed out that the poultry coop should be heated by -steam, and showed me that there was no room in the soap box for a steam -heating plant. He said he would not trust his flock of chickens through -the winter unless there was steam heating installed. - -Then Rolfs and Millington said they guessed the first thing to do, as it -was so late in the season, was to set their hen immediately, and as it -would probably take Spotty thirteen days to lay enough eggs, they told -me to run down to the delicatessen store and buy thirteen eggs, while -they arranged a scientific nest in the corner of their coop, for sitting -purposes. When I suggested that perhaps Spotty was not ready to set, -they laughed at me. They said they could see I would never make a -prosperous chicken farmer if I put off until to-morrow what the hen -ought to do to-day, and that a hen that ought to set, and would not -set, must be made to set. Millington said that he did not mind if Spotty -wanted to lay. If she felt so, she could go ahead and lay while she was -taking her little rests between sets. He said that in that way she would -be doubly useful and that, judging by appearances, she was the kind of -hen that could do two or three things at the same time. - -Mr. Prawley, when he saw we were going to keep our hen, came out and -spoke to Mr. Millington, Mr. Rolfs, and me. He said he had an aversion -to hens, but that if I insisted he would devote some of his time to the -hen, but Mr. Millington, Mr. Rolfs, and I assured him we would not need -his help. We felt that the three of us, with occasional aid from Isobel, -could manage that hen. - -The next day Mr. Millington and Mr. Rolfs were so swelled with pride -that they would not speak to me on the train. Millington did not ask -me, that entire day, to take a little run up to Port Lafayette in his -automobile. I heard him tell one man on the train to town that he had -just set his eighteen prize White Orpingtons, and I heard Rolfs tell -another man, at the same time, about a coop he had just had made for -his White Wyandottes. He drew a sketch of it on the back of an envelope, -showing the location of the heating plant, the location of the gasoline -brooders, and the battery of eight electric incubators. He said he saw -but one mistake he had made, which was that he had had a gravel roof put -on. It should have been slate. He was afraid the hens would fly up onto -the roof and eat the gravel for digestive purposes, and if a lot of -tarry gravel got in their craws and stuck together in a lump, his hens -would suffer from indigestion. But he said he meant to have the gravel -roof taken off at once, regardless of cost, but he had not quite decided -on a slate roof. One of the slates might become loosened and fall and -kill one of his prize White Wyandottes, which he held at seventy-five -dollars each. If he could avoid the tar trouble, Rolfs said, he ought -to have twelve hundred laying hens by the end of the summer, besides the -broilers he would sell. He said he was going straight to a distinguished -chemist when he reached town to learn if there was any dissolvent that -would dissolve tar in a chicken's craw, without harming the craw. - -Then Millington drew a sketch of the automatic heat regulator he was -having made to attach to his heating apparatus. He said that ever since -he had been keeping poultry he had made a study of coop heating, and -that the trouble with most coops was that they were either too hot or -too cold. He said a cold coop meant that the chickens got chilly and -exhausted their vitality growing thick feathers when all their strength -should have been used in egg-laying, and that a hot coop meant that the -chickens felt lax and indolent. A hot coop enervated a chicken and made -it too lazy to lay eggs, Millington said, but this regulator he was -having made would keep the heat at an even temperature, summer and -winter, and render the hens bright and cheerful and inclined to do their -best. Millington explained that this was especially necessary with White -Orpingtons, which are great eaters and consequently more inclined toward -nervous dyspepsia, which makes a hen moody. He was going on in this way, -and every one was hanging on his words, when he happened to say that one -thing he always attended to most particularly was the state of his hens' -teeth. He said he had, so far, avoided dyspepsia in his hens, by keeping -their teeth in good condition. Every one knew poor teeth caused stomach -troubles. - -That was the end of Millington. Rolfs had been green with jealousy -because so many commuters were listening to Millington, and the moment -Millington mentioned teeth Rolfs sneered. - -"How many teeth do White Orpingtons have, Millington?" he asked. - -"I did not know they had any." - -Then Millington saw his mistake, and did his best to explain that as a -rule chickens had no teeth, but that he had, by a process of selection, -created a strain that had eighteen teeth, nine above and nine below, -but no one believed him, and Rolfs was crowing over him when he made -his mistake. He was bragging that he never made a mistake of that kind, -because he knew hens never got indigestion in any such way. All that was -necessary he said, was to let them have plenty of exercise, and to let -them out once in a while for a good fly. He said he let his hens out -once every three days, so they could fly from tree to tree. - -Then Millington asked, sneeringly, how high his hens could fly, and -Rolfs said they were in such good condition they thought nothing of -flying to the top of a forty-foot elm tree, and Millington sneered and -said any one could guess what kind of White Wyandottes Rolfs had, when -a common White Wyandotte is so heavy it cannot fly over a rake handle. -That was the end of Rolfs, and I was glad of it, for the two of them -had been getting enough reputation on the strength of my chickens. They -sneaked out of the smoking car, and at last I had a chance to say a few -words, modestly of course, about my splendid group of six hundred Buff -Leghorns. I did not brag, as Millington and Rolfs had bragged, but -stated facts coldly and calmly, and my words met the attention they -deserved, for I was not speaking without knowledge, as Millington and -Rolfs had spoken, but as a man who owns a hen can speak. - -I reached home that evening in a pleasant state of mind, for I knew how -kind hearted Isobel is, and I knew she would see, if I placed it before -her, that it was extremely cruel to keep a hen in solitary confinement, -when the hen had probably been accustomed to a great deal of society. -I felt sure that in a few days Isobel would order me to purchase enough -more poultry to allow Spotty to lead a pleasant and sociable life. But -when Isobel met me at the gate she disheartened me. - -She said the grocer's grandmother had not been seriously ill, after -all; she had been in a mere comatose condition, and had come to, and the -grocer had come back, and he had called and taken Spotty. He offered to -kill her--Spotty, not Isobel or his grandmother--but Isobel could not -bear to eat Spotty so soon after she had been a member of our family, -so the grocer took Spotty away and sent up another roaster. At least -he said it was another, but after I had carved it I had my doubts. In -general strength and durability the roaster and Spotty were one. - -The next morning, when I went out to see if Mr. Prawley had hoed the -garden properly, I found Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington leaning over my -fence. They were unabashed. - -"I have just been looking over your place," said Rolfs, "and I must say -it is a most admirably located place on which to keep a cow. And if you -want any suggestions on cow-keeping, you may call on me at any time. I -have studied the cow, in all her moods and tenses, for years." - -"Nonsense!" said Millington. "A man is foolish to try to keep live -stock. Live stock is subject to all the ills--" - -"Such as toothache!" sneered Rolfs. - -"All the ills of man and beast," continued Millington. "What you want is -an automobile. Now I will sell mine--" - -"No!" I said positively. - -"You only say that because you do not know my automobile as I know it," -said Millington. "It is a wonder, that machine is. Now, I propose that -to-morrow you and your wife take a little run up to Port Lafayette with -me and my wife. After the cares of chicken raising--" - -"Very well, Millington," I said, "we will go to Port Lafayette!" - - - - -VII. CHESTERFIELD WHITING - - -THE next morning Millington came over bright and early, and his face was -aglow with joy. - -"Get ready as quickly as you can," he said, "for I will be ready to -start for Port Lafayette in a few minutes. The automobile is in perfect -order, and we should have a splendid trip. She isn't knocking at all." -This knocking, which was located in the motor-case, or hood, was one of -the most reliable noises of all those for which Millington listened when -he started the engine of his automobile. He was very fond of it, and it -was one of the heartiest knockings I ever heard in an automobile. It was -like the hiccoughs, only more strenuous. It was as if a giant had been -shut in the motor by mistake and was trying to knock the whole affair -to pieces. The knock came about every eight seconds, lightly at -first, getting stronger and stronger until it made the fore-end of the -automobile bounce up a foot or eighteen inches at each knock. - -Millington loved all the sounds of trouble, but this knocking gave him -the most pleasure and put him in his pleasantest mood, for he could -never quite discover the cause of it. When everything else was in -perfect order the knock remained. He would do everything any man could -think of to cure it, but the machine would continue to knock. I remember -he even went so far as to put a new inner tube in a tire once, to see -if that would have any effect, but it did not. But there were plenty -of other noises, too. Millington once told me he had classified and -scheduled four hundred and eighteen separate noises of disorder that -he had heard in that one automobile, and that did not include any that -might be another noise for the same disorders. And some days he would -hear the whole four hundred and eighteen before we had gone a block. -Those were his happy days. - -But this morning Millington came over bright and early. Isobel was just -putting a cake in the oven, and she only took time to tell Jane, or -Sophie, or whoever happened to be our maid that week, that she would be -back in time to take the cake out, and then we went over to Millington's -garage. - -Mrs. Millington, was already in the automobile, and Isobel and I got in, -and Millington opened the throttle and the machine ran down the road to -the street as lightly and skimmingly as a swallow. It glided into the -street noiselessly and headed for Port Lafayette like a thing alive. I -noticed that Millington looked anxious, but I thought nothing of it at -the time. His brow was drawn into a frown, and from moment to moment -he pulled his cap farther and farther down over his eyes. He leaned far -over the side of the car. He listened so closely that his ears twitched. - -Mrs. Millington and Isobel were chatting merrily on the rear seat, and -I was just turning to cast them a word, when the car came to a stop. -I turned to Milllington instantly, ready to catch the pleasant bit of -humour he usually let fall when he began to dig out his wrenches and -pliers, but his face wore a glare of anger. His jaws were set, and -he was muttering low, intense curses. I have seldom seen a man more -demoniacal than Millington was at that moment. I asked him, merrily, -what was the matter with the old junk shop this time, but instead of his -usual chipper repartee, that "the old tea kettle has the epizootic," he -gave me one ferocious glance in which murder was plainly to be seen. - -Without a word he began walking around the automobile, eyeing it -maliciously, and every time he passed a tire he kicked it as hard as -he could. Then he began opening all the opening parts, and when he had -opened them all and had peered into them long and angrily he went over -to the curb and sat down and swore. Isobel and Mrs. Millington politely -stuffed their handkerchiefs in their ears, but I went over to Millington -and spoke to him as man to man. - -"Millington," I said severely, "calm down! I am surprised. Time and -again I have started for Port Lafayette with you, and time and again we -have paused all day while you repaired the automobile. Much as I have -wished to go to Port Lafayette I have never complained, because you have -always been better company while repairing the machine than at any other -time. But this I cannot stand. If you continue to act this way I shall -never again go toward Port Lafayette with you. Brace up, and repair the -machine." - -Millington's only answer was a curse. - -I was about to take him by the throat and teach him a little better -manners when he arose and walked over to the machine again. He got in -and started the motor, and listened intently while I ran alongside. -Then, with a great effort he controlled his feelings and spoke. - -"Ladies," he said between his teeth, "we shall have to postpone going -to Port Lafayette. I am afraid to drive this car any farther. There is -something very, very serious the matter with it." - -Then, when the women had disappeared, my wife walking rapidly so as to -arrive at home before her cake was scorched, Millington turned to me. - -"John," he said with emotion, "you must excuse the feeling I showed. -I was upset; I admit that I was overcome. I have owned this car four -years, but in all that time, although I have started for Port Lafayette -nearly every day, the car has never behaved as it has just behaved. I am -a brave man, John, and I have never been afraid of a motor-car before, -but when my car acts as this car has just acted, I _am_ afraid!" - -I could see he was speaking the truth. His face was white about the -mouth, and the tense lines showed he was nerving himself to do his duty. -His voice trembled with the intensity of his self-control. - -"John," he said, taking my hand, "were you listening to the car?" - -"No," I had to admit. "No, Millington, I was not. I am ashamed to say -it, but at the moment my mind was elsewhere. But," I added, as if in -self defence, "I am pretty sure I did not hear that knocking. I remember -quite distinctly that I was not holding on to anything, and when the -engine knocks--But what did you hear?" - -A shiver of involuntary fear passed over Millington, and he lowered his -voice to a frightened whisper. He glanced fearfully at the automobile. - -"Nothing!" he said. - -"What?" I cried. I could not hide my astonishment and, I am afraid, -my disbelief. I would not, for the world, have had Millington think I -thought he was prevaricating. - -"Not a thing!" he repeated firmly. "Not a sound; not one bad symptom. -Every--everything was running just as it should--just as they do in -other automobiles." - -"Millington!" I said reproachfully. - -"It is the truth!" he declared. "I swear it is the truth. Nothing seemed -broken or about to break. I could not hear a sound of distress, or a -symptom of disorder. Do you wonder I was overcome?" - -"Millington," I said seriously, "this is no light matter. I shall not -accuse you of wilfully lying to me, but I know your automobile, and I -cannot believe your automobile could proceed four hundred feet without -making noises of internal disorder. It is evident to me that your -hearing is growing weak; you may be threatened with deafness." At this -Millington seemed to cheer up considerably, for deafness was something -he could understand. I proposed that we both get into the automobile -again, and I, too, would listen. So we did. It was almost pathetic, it -was most pathetic, to see the way Millington looked up into my face to -see what verdict I would give when he started the motor. - -My verdict was the very worst possible. We ran a block at low speed -and I could hear no trouble. We ran a block at second speed, and no -distressful noise did I hear. We ran two blocks at high speed, with -no noise but the soft purring of motors and machinery. As Millington -brought the automobile to a stop we looked at each other aghast. It -was true, too true, _nothing was the matter with the automobile!_ It -sparked, it ignited, it did everything a perfect automobile should do, -just as a perfect automobile should do it. We got out and stared at the -automobile silently. - -"John," said Millington at length, "you can easily see that I would -not dare to start on a long trip like that to Port Lafayette when my -automobile is acting in this unaccountable manner. It would be the most -foolhardy recklessness. When this machine is running in an absolutely -perfect manner, almost anything may be the matter with it. My -own opinion is that a spell has been cast over it, and that it is -bewitched." - -"I never knew it to come as far as this without stopping," I said, "and -to come this far without a single annoying noise makes me sure we should -not attempt Port Lafayette to-day in this car. I shall take a little -jaunt into the country behind my horse, and--" - -"But don't go to Port Lafayette," pleaded Millington. "Perhaps the -automobile will be worse to-morrow. If she only develops some of the -noises I am familiar with I shall not be afraid of her." - -One of the pleasures of being a suburbanite is that you can have a -horse, and one of the pleasures of having a horse is that you keep off -the main roads when you go driving, lest the automobiles get you and -your horse into an awful mess. In driving up cross roads and down back -roads you often run across things you would like to own--things the -automobilist never sees--and Isobel and I had heard of a genuine Windsor -chair of ancient lineage. I imagine the chair may have been almost as -old as our horse. When Mr. Millington told me we could not go to Port -Lafayette in his automobile that day, I hurried home and had Mr. Prawley -harness Bob, and it was that day, when we were hunting the Windsor -chair, that we ran across Chesterfield Whiting. Since Isobel had begun -to like suburban life, she liked it as only a convert could, and the -moment she saw Chesterfield Whiting she declared we must, by all means, -keep a pig, and that Chesterfield Whiting was the pig we must keep. - -Personally I was not much in favour of keeping a pig. I like things that -pay dividends more frequently. I would not give much for a vegetable -garden that had to be planted in the spring, worked all summer, -tended all fall, and that only yielded its product in the winter. -I prefer a garden that gives a vegetable once in awhile. Mine does -that--it gives a vegetable every once in awhile. But a pig is a slow -dividend payer. - -I had noticed that Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington had never urged me to -get a pig. Whenever I mentioned pig they mentioned various deadly and -popular pig diseases. They had urged me to garden, and to keep chickens, -and a horse, and a cow, and even an automobile--Millington urged me to -keep his--but never a pig! I would not hint that Rolfs and Millington -were selfish, or that they hoped to receive, now and then, milk from my -cow, eggs from my chickens, or radishes from my garden, but a neighbour -may profit in that way. On the other hand, the neighbour never profits -from the suburban pig. I believe now, however, that Rolfs and Millington -wished me to have things that would pay as they went. - -But the moment Isobel saw the pig she said we must have him, because he -was so cute. I had never thought of buying a pig because it was cute -any more than I would have thought of buying a spring bonnet because it -would fatten well for winter killing, but I yielded to Isobel. - -Isobel said the idea of a pig being a nuisance was all nonsense, for she -had been reading a magazine that was largely devoted to pigs and similar -objects loved by country gentlemen, and that modern science proved -beyond a doubt that the cleaner the pig the happier it was. She said a -pig could not be too clean, and that if a pig was kept perfectly tidy no -one could object to it. - -"John," she said, "there is no reason in the world why a pig should not -be as clean as a new pin. The magazine says that if a pig is usually of -a coarse, disgruntled nature, it is only because it is kept in coarse, -brutalizing surroundings, and treated like a pig. If a pig is put amidst -sweetness and light, the pig's nature will be sweet and light, and the -pig will be sweet and light." - -I suggested gently that a pig, all things considered, was usually -counted a failure if it was a light pig, and that experts had decided in -favour of the pig that became heavy and soggy. - -"What I mean," said Isobel, "is light in spirit, not light in weight." - -We were looking over the fence of a farm when we held this little -conversation, and Chesterfield Whiting was sporting on the clean, green -clover, amidst his brothers, quite unconscious that he was so soon to be -separated from them and lose their companionship. We had been attracted -to him by a very hand-made sign that announced "Pigs for Sale." -Chesterfield was an extremely clean pig, and I must admit that I was -rather taken by his looks myself, and when we drove around to the farm -house I was surprised to learn how inexpensive a pig of tender years -is, and I bought the pig. It is hard for me to deny Isobel these little -pleasures. - -On our way home Isobel and I talked of the future of Chesterfield, and -we resolved that his life should be one grand, sweet song, as the -poet says, and we had hardly started homeward than it appeared as if -Chesterfield meant to attend to the song feature of his life himself. I -never imagined a pig would feel his separation from his native place -so keenly. He began to mourn in a keen treble key the moment the farmer -grabbed him, uttering long, sharp wails of sorrow, and he kept it up. -Automobiles with siren horns stopped in the road as we passed, and the -chauffeurs took off their goggles and stared at us. It was very hard for -Isobel to sit up straight in the carriage and look dignified and cool -with Chesterfield wailing out his little soul sorrows under the seat. - -As we neared the outskirts of Westcote, I began to keep an eye out for -pig houses. It seemed to me that in these days of uplift the pig keepers -of a suburb such as ours, peopled by intelligent men and women, would -have the most modern improvements in pig dwellings, and I desired to -make a few mental notes of them as I passed by. If I saw a very modern -pig palace I meant to get out of the carriage and examine minutely the -conveniences installed for the pig's comfort, so that I might reproduce -them. - -Isobel had mentioned casually that a pig dwelling with tile floors and -walls and a shower bath would be quite sanitary, provided the tiles of -the wall met the tiles of the floor in a concave curve, leaving no sharp -angles; but as we journeyed into the village we saw no pig houses of -this kind. In fact we saw no pig houses of any kind. At first this only -annoyed me, then it surprised me, and by the time we were well into the -village it worried me. - -"Isobel," I said, "I don't like this absence of pigs in this village. -I am afraid there is something wrong here. I don't know what to make of -it. It may be that hog-cholera is epidemic here the year 'round, just as -San Jose scale kills all the apple trees. Have you seen a single pig?" - -"Not one," she admitted. "It looks as if there was a law against pigs." - -I stopped Bob, and looked at Isobel in amazement. - -"Isobel!" I exclaimed. "You must be right! There must be a law against -pigs! I do wish Chesterfield would stop yelling!" - -"John," said Isobel, "now that I come to think of it I do not believe I -ever saw a pig in all Westcote. I wonder if we couldn't gag Chesterfield -some way? If he howls like that every one will know we have a pig." - -I gagged the pig. I took Isobel's pink veil and wrapped it firmly around -Chesterfield's nose, and brought the ends around his neck and tied them. -Then I stuck his head into the sleeve of my rain coat and wrapped him in -the coat, and tied it all in the linen dust robe. He was well gagged. - -"Isobel," I said, as I took up the reins again, "this is a serious -matter. We will have to get rid of this pig, and we will have to do it -quickly. I do not want to get into difficulties with the City of New -York. Keeping a pig in the suburbs is evidently a crime, and it is a -difficult crime to conceal. If I committed a murder and used ordinary -precautions there might be no danger of detection, but a pig speaks for -itself." - -"Chesterfield does," said Isobel. "Do you suppose they will put you in -jail?" - -"_Me_ in jail?" I ejaculated. "He is your pig, Isobel." - -"John," she said generously, "I give Chesterfield to you." - -"Isobel," I said, "I cannot accept the sacrifice. He is your pig." - -"Well," she said, "we will go to prison together." - - - - -VIII. SALTED ALMONDS - -AS WE approached our house, Mr. Millington, who was in his garage, and -Mr. Rolfs, who was on his porch, came to meet us. They looked at the -carriage with suspicion, but I assumed a careless, innocent look, well -calculated to deceive them. They came down to the carriage, and laid -their hands on it, and glanced into it. Mr. Rolfs, with ill-assumed -absent-mindedness, lifted the leather cover of the rear of the carriage -box and glanced in. I was glad we had put Chesterfield Whiting under the -seat. - -"Shall I take in the--" Isobel began, but I cut her words short. - -"No, I will take in your _wraps_," I said meaningly, and then added: -"Well, good night, Millington; good night, Rolfs." - -They did not take the hint. They walked beside the carriage as I drove -to the stable, and although Mr. Prawley was able to do the work alone, -and I made some excuse to help him, Rolfs and Millington seemed eager to -help us. - -"I worked two hours over my automobile," said Millington, "and she is -knocking again as usual. To-morrow, I propose you and I and our wives -will take a little pig up to Port Lafayette--" - -"Pig?" I said. "What do you mean by pig, Millington." - -"Did I say pig?" said Millington in great confusion. "I meant to say: -'take a little spin.'" - -"John will think you think he is thinking of keeping a pig," said Rolfs -accusingly to Millington. "He will think you are doubting his sanity. -John would no more keep a pig on this place--" - -"Certainly not!" I cried. "The idea! Keep a pig!" - -"Well, you know," said Millington, and then stopped. "What is that -squeak?" he asked. - -I knew only too well what that squeak was. It was Chesterfield. - -"That?" I said carelessly. "Oh, that is nothing. My carriage springs -need oiling. Mr. Prawley, don't forget to oil the carriage springs -to-morrow." - -"Yes, sir," said Mr. Prawley, "but if I might suggest feeding the--" - -"Ahem!" I said loudly. "Oil the springs, Prawley. To-morrow." - -"When I said 'take a little pig,'" said Millington, "I meant--" - -"Millington," I said, "I forgive you! Men will make mistakes--slip of -the tongue--Well, good night!" - -"See here," said Millington, "I know you feel some resentment." - -"No I don't! Good night!" I said angrily. - -"Yes you do!" said Millington. "And I'll tell you why. You remember -you mentioned, some time ago, that you thought you would keep a pig? -Personally I would be delighted to have you keep a pig or even a lot of -pigs. You could make an infernal stock yard of your place if you -wanted to. I love pigs. If I could have my way I would have a pig pen -immediately under my window, so that when I awakened in the morning I -could glance down at the happy, contented creatures. Nothing starts -the day so well as to see contented creatures, and there is nothing so -contented as a pig. If I could have my own way I would beg you to build -your pig pen immediately under my window. But I am not a selfish man." - -"I know you are not, Millington," I said; "but I am not considering the -purchase of a pig. Good night!" - -"Of course you are not," said Rolfs, "and I only want to say that if you -do keep a pig you can gratify Millington, for every law of pig culture -demands that you build your pig house against the western fence, and not -against my fence. The pig is a delicate creature, and his pen should be -where the invigorating rays of the morning sun can strike him. Now my -fence is the eastern fence--" - -"And this man Rolfs pretends to be your friend!" exclaimed Millington -sneeringly. - -"Why every one knows that unless a pig has sweet dreams he becomes moody -and listless, and loses interest in life. A pig's place of residence -should always be where the last rays of the sun can strike him--against -the eastern fence. You want to put that pen against Rolf's fence." - -At this Mr. Rolfs became greatly agitated. He glared at Mr. Millington, -and shook his fist at me. - -"You'll put no pig pen on my side of your yard!" he said threateningly. - -"And you keep your pig pen away from my fence," said Mr. Millington -hotly. "I am your friend, and I start to Port Lafayette with you day -after day--" - -"Millington," said Rolfs, calming himself, "we will not have a pig in -this neighbourhood at all. If this fellow attempts to keep a pig we will -have the law on him. That is what we will do!" - -"That is what we will do, Rolfs," said Millington, "at the first -evidence of a pig we will set the police on him. We won't stand it!" -"Gentlemen," I said calmly, "I have no intention of keeping a pig. Such -an idea never entered my mind. And as for you, Millington, I know you -now. You have shown yourself as you are. Never again, Millington, shall -I start to Port Lafayette in your automobile. That is final! Good night, -gentlemen!" - -Millington and Rolfs went off arm in arm, and when they were out of -sight I hurriedly rescued Chesterfield Whiting, in all his wrappings, -from under the seat, and rushed him into the house. I let Mr. Prawley -continue to unharness the horse. I told Isobel what my neighbours had -said. Chesterfield, in his gags, lay at my feet. - -"To-morrow, Isobel," I said, "we must get rid of Chesterfield Whiting. -In the meantime we must keep him a dark secret. We must keep him silent, -or we are lost." - -Suddenly the dust-robe bundle at our feet began to palpitate violently. -It bounced like a fish out of water, and I made a grab for it. -Chesterfield screamed. I threw myself hastily upon him and wrapped him -in my arms and muzzled the bunch of veil that was his nose with my hand. -As I stood erect again I chanced to glance out of the window, and I saw -Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington in deep conversation with a policeman. From -time to time they turned and glanced at my house. Motioning Isobel to -follow me, I bore Chesterfield to the attic. We closed the windows of -the trunk room in the attic, and locked the door. Then I opened a trunk, -unwrapped Chesterfield and dropped him into the trunk, and shut the lid. -And sat on it. - -[Illustration: 175] - -Isobel peeked out of the window, and told me that the policeman and Mr. -Rolfs and Mr. Millington were staring at our attic windows. - -An ordinary pig would have been glad to be unwrapped and dropped into -a cozy, roomy trunk, but Chesterfield was no ordinary pig. He was a -weeper. First he wailed for his lost home. Then he screamed for his -mother. Then he shrieked for each of his dear little brothers and -sisters individually. Then he opened his lungs and squealed for all of -them at once, and the policeman took out his note-book and wrote down -the number of our house. I realized then that keeping a pig in the -suburbs is attended by difficulties. The theory of keeping your pigs -cheerful and happy is all right in a book, but it is hard to live up -to when the pig is homesick and a policeman with a note-book is on your -front walk. It is well enough for an agricultural writer to sit in -his hall bedroom in the city and scribble about uplifting the pig, -and spiritualizing it, and bathing it, but did he ever try to soothe a -homesick pig in an attic? Did he ever try to bathe a pig in a trunk? Did -he ever try to scatter sunshine in a pig's life when the pig has firmly -made up its mind to mourn? Did he ever try to reason with the pig when -the pig is full of squeal, and has no desire in life but to pour forth -eons and leagues of it? - -When a pig feels like that, it is useless to read it chapters from -Hamilton Wright Mabie's "Essays on Nature and Culture." Occasionally I -opened the lid of the trunk and looked in to assure myself that there -was but one pig, and not three or four. When a pig reaches the -stage where its eyes become set and stary, and it gives forth long, -soul-piercing wails, it does not want a bath. It does not want sunshine, -nor Bible classes, nor uplift, nor simple life. It wants food. - -The more I studied Chesterfield the more certain I became that if a man -wants to win the affection of a pig he can best do so, not by lifting -the pig over the edge of a porcelain bath tub every few hours to give -it a rub-down, but by standing by with a couple of tons of feed and -shovelling it down the pig with a scoop-shovel. The pig's squawker and -its swallower are one and the same instrument, and the only way to keep -the squawker quiet is to keep the swallower plugged with food. In its -idle hours the pig may long for sweetness and light, but it wants meals -at all hours of the day and night. - -We found that Chesterfield preferred salted almonds to affection. He -began eating salted almonds immediately after we had fed him everything -else in the house that was edible, and by feeding him one almond at a -time Isobel was able to keep him interested. By this means she kept his -mind off his sorrows. He could not weep and chew. - -Time and again, as the hours slipped by, Isobel tested Chesterfield, to -see if he was satisfied, but at each test his sorrow broke forth afresh. -I never knew a pig was so full of sorrows. I would not have believed -that so small a pig, so full of salted almonds, could have room for one -small sorrow. And yet, the moment Isobel ceased feeding him, he would -run around inside the trunk, nosing it and wailing for--I don't know -what he was wailing for! - -About midnight, when Isobel was worn out, I took her place and let her -go to bed. I told her I would feed salted almonds until three, and then -call her, and she could feed until six, while I got a little sleep. -About two o'clock in the morning I gave Chesterfield his eighteenth -drink of water, and when I offered him another salted almond he seemed -languid. He eyed it covetously, opened his mouth, sighed once, and fell -over sideways. His regular breathing told me he had fallen into a deep, -sweet sleep, and I removed my shoes and stole softly downstairs. - -"He has fallen asleep," I told Isobel, "and I think he will probably -take a good nap. He has had a hard day. I left him quite comfortable -and--" - -"Drink! Almonds! Mother! I'm lone-lee-ee-wee-wee-wee!" wailed -Chesterfield at that instant, and I hurried up to the attic. I threw -open the lid of the trunk, and found him standing on his feet. He was -still asleep, his white-lashed eyes firmly closed in slumber, but his -squealer was working as if he were awake, and when I fed him a salted -almond he munched and swallowed it without awakening, and squealed for -another. He was so sound asleep that he could not even reach out for the -almonds; I had to poke them into his mouth. When I missed his mouth and -dropped the almond on the floor of the trunk he squealed. At last he lay -down comfortably and slept and ate almonds. - -I had one great fear. I was running out of almonds. So I tried him with -wads of newspaper, and found they satisfied him quite as well. I fed him -a complete Sunday newspaper, including the coloured supplement and the -"want" advertisements, before sunrise. I imagine the newspaper was not -very nourishing, for Chesterfield awakened at sunrise with a tremendous -appetite, and let us know, plainly, that he was starving to death. I -fed him my breakfast and Isobel's while Mr. Prawley was digging up what -remained in our vegetable garden, and when Chesterfield had eaten that I -gagged him with the pink veil, and stuffed his head in the sleeve of my -rain coat once more. - -"Isobel," I said, "the time has at last come when we must cease keeping -pigs. I love to be surrounded by affection, but I believe we have kept -this pig long enough. An attic is no place in which to run a modern -swine industry. It is too far from the nearest bath tub. Bathe him now, -if you would bathe him at all, for he is going back to the farm." - -"If we packed him in a trunk," said Isobel thoughtfully, paying no -attention to the bath suggestion, "we might send him back to the farmer -by express, and Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington would never know we had--" - -"That is a good idea," I said, "except that we do not know the name of -the farmer, and that the Interurban does not deliver express parcels -twelve miles from Westcote--" - -"We might pack him in a suit case," suggested Isobel. "If we packed him -in the suit case and pretended we were going on a picnic and that the -suit case was our lunch--I suppose Chesterfield will be some one's lunch -some day?" - -"Fine!" I said, and we began pretending we were going on a picnic. I -packed Chesterfield Whiting in the suit case, and then went down and had -Mr. Prawley harness the horse. I noticed that the policeman was still -hanging near our house, and that Mr. Millington was eyeing me from his -porch. - -"Ah! Millington!" I called cheerfully. "Fine day for a picnic! Isobel -and I are just off for one." - -He came running over immediately. "Admirable!" he cried. "I was just -coming over to suggest that very thing. The automobile is running -beautifully this morning, and we four can run up to Port Lafayette--" - -Port Lafayette! - -"Millington," I said, assuming an angry tone, "last evening you insulted -me, and you seem to think I will forgive you thus easily. No indeed! -I am not that sort of man, Millington. I will not take Isobel to Port -Lafayette, for I have promised to let you take us there, but we will -go on this picnic behind Bob. And if you see Rolfs just tell him what a -silly ass he made of himself, thinking I would be crazy enough to keep a -pig. I may be some kinds of a fool, Millington, but I am not that kind!" - -I think Millington blushed. He should have blushed. Saying I would keep -a pig, indeed! - -When I returned for Isobel and carried the suit case downstairs I felt -as light-hearted as a boy. Chesterfield was so well muzzled and gagged -that he made no sound whatever, and when I stepped from my door, with -Isobel by my side, I was pleased to see Rolfs stepping from his front -door, and I hailed him. He stopped, but he looked annoyed. - -"If you want to say anything ugly, say it quick," he said, "for I'm in -a rush to catch a train, and if I just catch it, I can just catch the -ferry, to catch a train for Chicago. I can't stop now--" - -"Get in the buggy," I said heartily, "we will drive you to the station. -Isobel and I are going on a little picnic. Put your suit case in the -back, with ours. We always carry our lunch in a suit case when we go -picnicing. Hop in!" - -"Well, it is kind of you," said Rolfs rather sheepishly. "I hope you -did not feel hurt by what I said last night about pigs. I feel rather -strongly about pigs." - -"Rolfs," I said as I gathered up the reins, "I am not a man to nurse -hard feelings, but I must say--" - -"Look here!" said Rolfs, "I did not get into this buggy to listen to--" - -"You can get out again," I said inhospitably, "any time you do not -like straight, honest talk. I mean nothing unneighbourly but when a man -accuses--" - -Without another word Rolfs jumped out, and grabbing his suit case, -walked haughtily away. I could not forbear giving him a little dig. - -"_Bon voyage_, Rolfs," I called. "Don't get pigs on the brain to-night -again!" and Isobel and I laughed as we drove away. - -When the farmer saw us drive into his yard he seemed surprised, but he -was nice about it. He said he was willing to pay us back half what we -had paid him for Chesterfield Whiting, but we would not hear of it. - -"No," I said firmly, "we have had our money's worth of pig!" - -Then I opened the suit case. - -It contained, among other things, a suit of pajamas, a tooth brush, four -shirts, six pair of socks, underwear, handkerchiefs, a book entitled -"The Complete Rights of the Citizen," and twelve collars. But no pig. - -All the articles were of good quality, and most had Rolf's initials -on them. I must say the suit case contained a nice assortment of -haberdashery. But no pig. Not that I blamed Rolfs for not packing a -pig in his suit case, for he was going to Chicago where there are stock -yards full of pigs, if he should happen to want one. And a suit case is -no place for a pig, anyway. Imagine the feelings of a man in a sleeping -car when he has buckled the curtains of his berth around him, and has -partly undressed behind them. And then imagine him reaching down and -opening his suit case, expecting to find a suit of pajamas, and finding, -instead, a pig. Imagine him when the pig--a Chesterfield Whiting -pig--springs lightly forth and gives voice to his homesickness! - -[Illustration: 185] - - - - -IX. THE ROYAL GAME OR SEVERAL DAYS AFTER THE PIG EPISODE - -I refused to start for Port Lafayette in Millington's automobile, -although he used to lean over the fence and beg me almost tearfully, -but one fine morning he came over, and he looked so haggard and careworn -that I took pity on him. - -"John," he said, as he led me to his garage, which was on the back of -his lot, "I am sure this automobile of mine is bewitched. I cannot think -of anything else that would make it behave as an automobile in good -health should, and I give you my word of honour that it is acting in -perfect rhythm, never slipping a cog nor missing fire. Of course, with -the machine behaving in that unaccountable manner, I would not dare to -start for Port Lafayette, but I want to run you around to the Country -Club. You ought to be in our Country Club, and I want you to see it, and -I want you to tell me what you think about this automobile of mine. I -can't understand it!" - -I have often noticed three things: I have noticed that a boy is never -really happy until he owns a dog; I have noticed that a flat-dweller is -never content until he owns a phonograph; but above all I have -noticed that the commuter--the man that lives in the sweet-scented, -tree-embowered suburbs--is restless and uneasy until he joins the -Country Club. So I accepted Millington's invitation. - -We ran out of his yard and half a block up the street, Millington -listening carefully all the while, and we could not hear a sound of -distress in any part of the automobile. Millington stopped the car and -got out. - -"I am going to walk to the Club," he said. "I won't trust myself in that -car. As for you, as it was entirely for your sake I proposed this little -run to the Club, I am going to put the machine in your charge, and -you are to run it around the block until it resumes its normal bad -condition. From what I know of you and the remarks you have made while I -have tried to repair the engine, I believe you will soon have it making -all sorts of noises, and," he added, "perhaps it will be making a noise -it never made before." - -Then he showed me how to start, and what to touch if a tree or telephone -post got in my way, and then he went on to the Country Club. - -I was much touched by this evidence of Millington's faith in my ability -to bring out the bad points of his automobile, and as soon as he -disappeared I set to work, and I had hardly gone twice around the block -before I had it knocking more loudly than ever I had heard it knock. But -I was resolved to show Millington that his trust was not misplaced, -and I ran the nose of the machine into a tree, threw on the high speed -suddenly until I heard a grinding noise that told me the gears were -stripped. Then I left the car there and walked on to the Country Club. - -A Country Club is an institution conducted for the purpose of securing -as many new members as possible, in order that their initiation fees may -pay for the upkeep of the golf green. Aside from this, the object of the -club is to enable the men that mow the grass to make an honest living by -selling the golf balls they find while mowing the grass. - -The Membership Committee, on which Millington served, is a small body of -men whose duty it is to learn, as soon as possible, who that new man is -that moved into Billing's house, and to get twenty dollars in initiation -fees from him, before he has spent all his money for mosquito screens. - -When Millington said to me, in the way members of Country Clubs have, -"_You_ ought to be in our Country Club," I was tickled. I did not -know then that Millington was on the membership committee, and his -willingness to admit me to fellowship seemed to show that I had been -promptly recognized as a desirable citizen of Westcote; a man worth -knowing; one of the inner circle of desirables. What more fully -convinced me was the eagerness of Mr. Rolfs. - -"We _must_ have you in," said Rolfs. "I have been speaking to several -of the members about you, and they are all enthusiastic about taking you -in. Of course, our green is a little ragged just now, but when we get -your mon--when--of course, the green is a little ragged just now, but we -expect to have it trimmed soon, very soon." - -Isobel was delighted when I told her I contemplated joining the Country -Club. She said it would do me all the good in the world to play a game -of golf now and then, and when I mentioned that I thought of taking -family membership, which would admit her to all the club privileges, she -was more than pleased. So were Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington. I forget -how many more dollars a family membership cost. They shook hands with -me warmly, and Millington said something to Rolfs about their now being -able to dump another load or two of sand on the bunker at the sixth -hole. They also said the ladies would be delighted. Many, they said, had -asked them why Isobel had not joined. - -Then they mentioned earnestly that the initiation fee and the first -year's dues were payable immediately. They even offered to send in my -check for the amount with my membership application. - -I had never played golf, but Millington said he would lend me an -excellent book on the game, written by one of the great players, and -Rolfs offered to pick me out a set of clubs. He was enthusiastic when we -went to the shop where clubs were sold, and I must say he did not allow -the clerk to foist off on me any old-fashioned, shopworn clubs. He said -with pride, as we left the shop, that, so far as he knew, every club I -had secured was absolutely new in model, and that not one club in the -lot was of a kind ever seen on the Westcote course before. Some he said, -he was sure had never been seen on any course anywhere. - -He said my putter would create great excitement when it appeared on the -course. I must give him credit for being right. The putter was, perhaps, -too much like a brass sledge-hammer to be graceful, and I found later -that it worked much better as a croquet mallet than as a tool for -putting a golf ball into a hole, but it was fine advertisement for a new -member. Members who might never have noticed me at all began to speak -of me immediately. They referred to me as "that fellow that Rolfs got to -buy the idiotic putter." - -The golf course at our Westcote Country Club is one of the best I have -ever seen. It is almost free from those irregularities of ground that -make so many golf courses fretful. In selecting the ground the Committee -had in mind, I think, a billiard table, but as it was impossible -to secure a sufficiently large plot of ground as level as that near -Westcote, they secured the most level they could and then went over it -with a steam grader. The envious members of the Oakland Club speak of it -as the Westcote Croquet Grounds. - -The first day I appeared at the club I saw that golf was indeed a -difficult game, particularly after Mr. Millington had explained how it -was worked. He began by remarking that, of course, I could not expect to -do much with "that bunch of crazy scrap iron"--that being the manner in -which he referred to the up-to-date clubs Rolfs had selected for -me--and that no man who knew anything about golf ever used the -red-white-and-pink polka-dot balls, which were the kind Rolfs had -advised me to buy. Then he looked through my clubs scornfully and -selected my putter. - -"Usually," he said ironically, "we begin with a driver, and drive the -ball as far as we can from this place, which is called the driving -green, but I think this tool, in your hands, will do as well as anything -else in your collection of kitchen cutlery. What do you call this tool, -anyway?" - -I looked at the label on the handle and read it. I told Millington it -was a putter, but he would not believe me. I showed him the label, which -said quite plainly "putter," but he was still skeptical. He did not -deny positively that it was a putter; he merely said, "Well, if this -instrument of torture is a putter, I'll eat it." - -[Illustration: 201] - -Mr. Millington then made a little mound of sand which he took from the -green sandbox, and set one of my golf balls on top of the mound. This, I -soon learned, is called "teeing" the ball. - -"Now," said Mr. Millington, "I will explain the game. When the ball is -teed as you see it here, you take the club and hit the ball so it will -travel low and straight through the air as far as possible toward that -red flag you see yonder. The ball will alight on the fair green. You -follow it, and hit it again, and it should then alight fairly and -squarely on the putting-green. You then follow it, take the pole that -bears the flag out of the hole you will find there, and gently knock -your ball into the hole. That is all there is to the game." - -"But what shall I do," I asked, "if my first knock at the ball carries -it beyond the flag?" - -Mr. Millington glanced at the patent putter I held in my hand, and -sighed. - -"Excuse me," he said, "but the rules of the game permit one to grasp the -club with both hands." - -"I guess," I said airily, "until I get the swing of it I will grasp the -club with one hand. I only use one hand in playing croquet." - -"In that case," said Mr. Millington, "if you knock the ball past the -flag I will eat the flag. I will also eat the ball. Also the thing you -call a putter. If you knock the ball half way to the flag, I will eat -all the grass on this golf course." - -"Be careful, Millington," I warned him. "You may have to eat that grass. -Now, stand back and let me have a fair whack at the ball." - -With that I swung the putter around my head two or three times, to -gather the necessary impetus, and then hit the ball a terrible whack. I -put my full strength into the blow, for I wanted to show Millington that -I had the making of a golfer in me; but when my putter ceased revolving -around me Millington seemed unimpressed. I put my hand above my eyes and -gazed into the far distance, hoping to catch sight of the ball when it -alighted. But I did not see it. - -[Illustration: 205] - -"Millington," I said, "did you see where that ball went?" - -"I did," he said, turning to the left. "It went over there, into that -tall grass. It is a lost ball. Every ball that goes into that tall grass -is gone forever. I have never known any one to recover a ball that fell -in that tall grass." - -Then he stepped proudly to the sand-box and made another tee. - -"Hand me a ball," he said, "and I will show you the proper way to hit -it." - -I gave him a ball and he placed it carefully on the tee. Then he -grasped his driver in both hands, snuggled the head of it up to the ball -lovingly, drew back the club and struck the ball. I was not quick enough -to see the ball go, but Millington was. - -"Fine!" he exclaimed. "I sliced it a little, but I must have got good -distance. I must have driven that ball two hundred yards." - -"But where did it go?" I asked. - -"Well," said Millington, "I did slice it a little. It went off there to -the right, into that tall grass. It is a lost ball. I have never known -any one to recover a ball that fell in that tall grass. But let me have -another ball and I will show you--" - -I told Millington I guessed I would lose a couple of balls myself while -I had a few left, if it was not against the rules. He said no, a player -could lose as many as he wished; in fact many players lost more than -they wished. - -I found this to be so. We played around the nine holes and I made a -score of 114, and Millington was delighted. He said it was a splendid -score to turn in to the handicapping committee, and that he wished he -could make a large, safe score like that. He said no one in the club had -ever made more than 110 and that the average was about 45. Then he said -I need not lose hope, for at any rate I had not lost a ball at every -stroke. He said he had imagined when he saw me play that I would lose -a ball at every stroke, for my style of playing--my "form" he called -it--was the sort that ought to lose me one ball for every stroke. - -When I reached home I found Isobel awaiting me, and, without thinking, I -blurted out that I had lost thirty-eight golf balls. Her mouth hardened. - -"John," she said, "I have been talking with Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs. -Millington about this game of golf, and what they say has given me an -entirely different opinion of it. When I advised you to take it up I had -no idea it was a gambling game, but they both tell me the matches are -often played for a stake of balls. Mrs. Rolfs says her husband has -accumulated eighty balls in this way, and Mrs. Millington says her -husband has laid up a store of over fifty. And now, when you come home -and tell me you have lost, in one afternoon, thirty-eight golf balls, at -a cost of fifty cents each, I feel that golf is a wicked, sinful game. I -do not want to seem severe, but I do not approve of gambling, and if you -continue to lose so many golf balls you will have to give up the game." - - - - -X. ADVANCED GOLF - - -THAT evening Millington dropped over to chat for a few minutes, and he -was in good spirits. He told me he had found the automobile where I had -left it with its nose against the tree, and that it had been necessary -to hire a team to pull it home. Isobel said she would never forget the -pleased expression on Millington's face as he saw the helpless machine -being towed into his yard, and between what both of them said I felt -rightly proud at having lifted such a load from his mind. - -"Now," said Millington cheerfully, "we can all start for Port Lafayette -in the morning. I will get up at four to-morrow morning and tinker -at the motor, and by nine, or ten at the latest, we will be ready to -start." - -At ten the next morning, therefore, Isobel and I went over to -Millington's garage, but our first glimpse of him told us all was not -well. He was sitting on the garage step with his head buried in his -arms, while his wife was sitting beside him, vainly endeavouring to -console him. For awhile he made no response to my queries, and then he -only raised his mournful face and pointed at the automobile. He was too -overcome for words, and his wife had to give us the awful facts. - -"This morning at four," she said, "Edward came out and prepared to do -what he could to repair the motor you had so kindly put to the bad. -He was then his usual, cheerful self. He leaped lightly into the -chauffeur's seat, touched the starting lever, and, to his utter -distress, the automobile moved smoothly out of the garage and down the -driveway, without a single misplaced throb or sign of disorder. There -was nothing the matter with the automobile at all. Not a thing to -repair. It was as if it had just come from the factory. Of course he -immediately gave up all idea of the little run to Port Lafayette. Now, -there is only one thing to be done. You must take the machine and run -it around the block until it is in a fit condition to be repaired. I am -afraid you did not do a good job yesterday." - -Although I felt rather hurt by the last words, I was not a man to desert -Millington in his need, and without a word I jumped into the automobile -and started. That morning I put in some hard work. It seemed that the -automobile had repaired itself so well that nothing would ever be the -matter with it again, but by persistent efforts and by doing everything -an amateur could possibly do to ruin an automobile, I succeeded in -developing its weak spots. Not until noon was I satisfied, but when the -horses at last pulled the automobile into Millington's garage I felt I -had done my duty. I had mashed the hood and cracked a cylinder, dished -the left front wheel and absolutely ruined all the battery connections. -I would have defied any man to make that automobile run one inch. It had -been hard work, but I was amply repaid when Millington threw his -arms around me and wept for joy on my shoulder. He was not usually a -demonstrative man. - -"Next week, or the week after, John," he said cheerfully, as he took off -his coat, "I may have the machine patched up a little, and we will take -that little run out to Port Lafayette. I feel that the trip has been -delayed too long already, and I shall get to work at once." - -"If you wish," I said, "I will lend you Mr. Prawley to hold things while -you work on them." - -"Prawley?" said Millington. "Prawley? That man of yours? No, thank you, -John. That man Prawley is so fearful of automobiles that he trembles at -the sight of a pair of goggles. He would die of fear if we forced him -into this garage." - -I left Millington whistling over his work, and that afternoon I took -my putter and went to the golf grounds alone, for I had spent half the -night reading the golf book Mr. Rolfs had lent me, and I saw I had not -gone at the game in the right way. I knew now that I should have held my -club with my right hand more to the right--or to the left--and my right -foot nearer the ball--or not so near it--and with the head of my club -heeled up more--or not so much. The directions given by the book were -very explicit. They said a player must invariably lay his thumb along -the shaft of the club, unless he wrapped it around the shaft, or let it -stick up like a sore toe, or cut it off and got along without it, or did -something else with it. The book seemed to imply that the proper way -for a beginner to learn golf was to lock himself in a dark closet and -indulge in silent meditation until he became an expert player, but -the closets in my house were so narrow and shallow I felt I could not -meditate broadly in them. So I went to the Country Club. - -I met young Weldorf there, and as soon as he saw me he immediately -proposed a round. He said he had wanted to play a round with me ever -since he had heard of my clubs. He said he hoped I would not mind his -dog being along, for the dog took a lively interest in the game of golf. - -So I told Weldorf I loved dogs and that I thought a dog or two scattered -around the links added greatly to the picturesqueness of the game. -Weldorf's dog was a rather thin dog, of the white terrier kind, with -black spots, and Weldorf explained that the reason there were bare, -flesh-coloured spots on the dog was because he was just recovering from -an attack of mange. - -Weldorf drove first, and a beautiful drive it was, and with a gay bark -the dog darted after the ball, but Weldorf spoke to him sternly, and he -stopped short, although he still gazed after the ball yearningly. Then I -drove. I exerted the whole of my enormous strength in that drive, and -I think I surprised Weldorf. I know I surprised the dog. If I had -been that dog, I, too, would have been surprised. There stood the dog, -looking at Weldorf's ball, wagging his tail and thinking of nothing, and -here came my ball with terrific speed. Suddenly the ball hit the dog -on the hip with a splashy sort of smack, and immediately the dog was -impelled forward and upward, giving voice, as we dog-fanciers say. He -gave voice three times while in the air, and when he alighted he put his -tail between his legs and dashed madly away. - -[Illustration: 219] - -We were not able to retrieve the dog until we reached the third teeing -ground, and then I apologized to him. He did not accept my apology. He -looked upon my most friendly advances with unjust suspicion. He seemed -to have no faith in my game, and kept well to the rear of me, but when -Weldorf addressed him in a few well-chosen words he unlooped his tail -and wagged it in a halfhearted sort of way. I decided to ignore the dog. -I raised the hinged lid of the sandbox and took out a large handful of -sand to form my tee, and letting the lid fall took a step forward. - -Immediately the dog gave voice! Weldorf had to raise the lid of the -sand-box before the dog was able to get his tail out, but as soon as he -had reassumed full control of his tail he placed it firmly between his -legs and dashed madly away. It is nonsense to have a golf dog with a -long tail. - -By the time we reached the sixth putting-green the dog had begun to -get lonely, and assumed a cheerful demeanour. He returned to us with -ingratiating poses, mainly sliding along the ground on his stomach as he -approached, and I was glad to see him happy again, for I love dogs and -I like to have them happy. He stood afar off, however, until he saw -our balls on the putting-green. He knew that golfers do not "putt" as -strenuously as they "drive." Then he came nearer. I took the flag-pole -from the hole and let it fall gracefully to the ground. Without an -instant of hesitation the dog gave voice! It was a long flag-pole, -made of a plump bamboo fish-rod, and when it fell it seemed to strike -directly on the eighth dorsal vertebra of the dog, at a spot where he -was not recovering very well from the mange. - -Weldorf said he had no doubt the dog would find his way home, and we -stood and listened until the voice the dog was giving died away in the -far distance, and then we holed out. It is nonsense for a dog to have -dorsal vertebrae. - -When we reached the seventh hole I found that the grounds committee -was already using my initiation fee, for the grass mowers were at work -there, and a man with a rake immediately stepped up to me, and said in -the most friendly manner that he would be willing to part with some -golf balls for money, if I would say nothing about it to the Board of -Governors. He had sixteen, nine of which I recognized as some of those -I had lost the day before, and he very generously offered to let me have -the lot at fifteen cents each. I purchased them eagerly, and the man who -was driving the mower at once descended and offered me twelve more -at the same price. Between there and the ninth hole numerous caddies -appeared from behind trees and bunkers and offered me balls at -ridiculously low prices, and I, quite naturally, took advantage of their -offers. - -When I reached home Isobel asked me how I was progressing with my game. -"Well," I said, "I return with forty-two more golf balls than I had when -I went out." - -Instantly her face brightened. She congratulated me warmly and said she -was sure Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs. Millington had overstated the evils of the -game. She said she thought she could see an improvement in my health -already. She advised me to keep at the game until my health was beyond -compare. - -I now know that the book Mr. Rolfs lent me is mere piffle and that, for -a man who takes his golf in the right way, a broom or a hairpin is as -good as any other tool. I enjoy the game immensely, and find it great -sport. Often I come home with fifty golf balls, and my low record is -eighteen--but that was a legal holiday and the grass mowers were on -vacation. I have so many golf balls in the house already that Isobel -talks of having an addition built over the kitchen for storage purposes. -As my game has improved I have acquired such dexterity that I can buy -balls from the caddies at the rate of four for twenty-five cents. If I -practise regularly I believe I shall in time reach a point where I can -buy balls for five cents each. By holes, my best score is thirty-eight -balls, made at the eighth hole on July 6th, from the red-headed caddy -and the fat mowing man. My low score is one ball, made August 16th, at -the first hole. I never make a large score there, as it is near the club -house and the caddies are afraid of the Board of Governors. - -When golf is taken rightly it arouses the instincts of the chase in a -man, and I now feel the same joy in running down a caddy and bargaining -for found balls that others feel in hunting wild animals. Golf, taken -thus, is a splendid game. - -And I have found that if I use my putter only, and knock the ball but a -few yards each stroke, there is no need of losing a ball from one end of -the year to the other. But even then one must remember the cardinal rule -of all golfers--"Keep the eye on the ball." - - - - -XI. MY DOMESTICATED AUTOMOBILE - - -I HAVE said that I left Millington happily working over his automobile -when I went to the Country Club that afternoon. When I returned he -was still working away, and so well had I wrecked his car that all his -repairing seemed to have made not the slightest impression on it. - -"John," he said brightly, "you certainly did a good job. It will be -months before I have this car in any shape at all, I am sure. It is -going to take all my spare time, too. I mean to set my alarm clock for -three, and get up at that time every morning." - -It is always a pleasure for me to see another man happy, and at -half-past two the next morning I was waiting for Millington at his -garage door. He came out of his house promptly at three, and joked -merrily as he unlocked the garage door, but the moment he threw open the -door his face fell. And well it might! The dished wheel had been trued, -the crushed hood had been straightened and painted, a new cylinder had -replaced the cracked one, and when Millington tried the engine it -ran without a sound except that of a perfectly working piece of -well-adjusted machinery. Millington got out of the car and stood staring -at the motor, and suddenly, with a low cry of anguish, he fell over -backward as stiff as a log. Mrs. Millington and I managed to carry him -to bed, and then I returned to the garage. I was not going to desert -Millington in his adversity. - -After the doctor had visited the house, Mrs. Millington came out -and told me that her husband was still in a comatose state, due to -brain-shock, but that he kept repeating "Sell it! Sell it!" over and -over, and she was sure he must mean the car. She said that while -she would hate to part with the car, and give up all the pleasure of -starting for Port Lafayette, she feared for her husband's reason if he -continued to receive such shocks, and she was willing to sacrifice -the car at a very low price, if I insisted. She said I had not, like -Millington, become habituated to hearing a knocking in the engine, so' -the lack of it would not bother me, and that owning a car that repaired -itself over night was what most automobile owners would call a golden -opportunity. - -I suppose if I had come home and said to Isobel: "My dear, I have bought -an Asiatic hyena," she would have been less shocked and surprised than -she was when I entered the house and said: "Well, my dear, I have bought -an automobile." - -Isobel is of a rather nervous disposition, and driving behind Bob, our -horse, had tended to eliminate any latent speed mania she may have ever -had, for Bob is not a rapid horse. Of course, Isobel drove the horse at -a trot occasionally, but that was when she wanted to go slower than a -walk, for Bob was what may be called an upright trotter--one of those -horses that trot like a grasshopper: the harder they trot the higher -they rise in the air, and the less ground they cover. When Bob was -in fine fettle, as we horsemen say, he could trot for hours with a -perpendicular motion, like a sewing machine needle, and remain in one -identical spot the whole time. He could trot tied to a post. Sometimes -when he was feeling his oats he could trot backward. - -I suppose that when I mentioned automobile Isobel had a vision of a -bright-red car about twenty-five feet long, with a tonnage like an ocean -steamer, and a speed of one hundred and ten miles an hour--one of the -machines that flash by with a wail of agony and kill a couple of men -just around the next corner. But Millington's automobile was not that -kind. It was a tried and tested affair. It had been in a Christian -family for five years, and was well broken. Nor was it a long -automobile; it was one of the shortest automobiles I have ever seen; -indeed, I do not think I ever saw such a short automobile. "Short and -high" seemed to have been the maker's motto, and he had lived up to it. -He couldn't have made the automobile any shorter without having cogs -on the tires, so they could overlap. If the automobile had been much -shorter the rear wheels would have been in front of the fore wheels. -But what it lacked in length it made up in altitude. It averaged pretty -well, multiplying the height by the length. It was the type known in the -profession as the "camel type." When in action it had a motion somewhat -like a camel, too, but more like a small boat on a wintry, wind-tossed -sea. But, ah! the engine! There was a noble heart in that weak body! -When the engine was in average knocking condition, one knew when it -started. In two minutes after the engine started the driver was on the -ground; if he did not become dizzy, sitting at such a height, and fall -off, the engine shook him off. - -But, if Isobel did not take kindly to the idea of owning Millington's -automobile, Rolfs seemed glad I was going to buy it. - -"You won't be everlastingly asking me to take a little run up to Port -Lafayette," he said. "For years before you moved out here Millington -bothered the life out of me, and I cannot bear riding in automobiles. I -hate them worse than that hired man of yours does. How does he like the -idea?" - -I told him, rather haughtily, that I did not usually consult Mr. Prawley -when I bought automobiles. Then Rolfs said he thought, usually, it was -just as well for an ignorant man to consult some one, but that he knew -Millington's automobile was a good one. He said he knew the man that had -owned the machine ten or twelve years before Millington bought it. He -said that every one knew that machines of that make that were made -in 1895 were extremely durable. He said he remembered about this one -particularly, because it was the period when milk shakes were the -popular drink, and his friend used to make his own. He said his friend -would put the ingredients in a bottle, and tie the bottle to the -automobile seat, and then start the engine for a minute or two, and the -milk would be completely shaken. So would his friend. - -Rolfs asked me to let him know when I brought the automobile over -from Millington's. I had no difficulty in doing so. When I ran that -automobile the only difficulty was in concealing the fact that it was -arriving anywhere and in getting it to arrive. Often it preferred not to -arrive at all, but when it did arrive, it gave every one notice. Isobel -never had to wonder whether I was arriving in my machine, or whether it -was some visitor in another machine. Under my regime my machine had a -sweet, purring sound like a road-roller loaded with scrap iron crossing -a cobblestone bridge. When the engine was going and the car was not, it -sounded like giant fire-crackers exploding under a dish pan. - -The very day I purchased the car and brought it into my yard Mr. Prawley -came to me and told me he had a very important communication to make. He -said his poor old mother was sick, and he would like a month's vacation. -He added that he imagined the automobile would last about twenty-nine -days. As he said this his lean, villainous face wore a look of fear, -and when I told him he could have the vacation, he departed, walking -backward, keeping one eye on the automobile all the while. - -But the automobile did not behave in the bewitched manner for me that -it had for Millington. It did not repair itself over night at all. If -anything it deteriorated. - -Oddly enough, now that the automobile was quite tame, Isobel, who -usually has perfect confidence in me, declined to ride in it. But -frequently we took rides together, driving side by side, she in her -buggy behind Bob, and I in my automobile, and, occasionally, when the -road was rough and the engine working well, I would drop in on her -unexpectedly. But not always. Sometimes I fell off on the other side. - -I found these little trips very pleasant and exceedingly good for a -torpid liver--if I had had one--and I enjoyed having Isobel with me, -especially when we came to bits of sandy road where the rear wheels of -my automobile would revolve uselessly, as if for the mere pleasure of -revolving. - -Then I would unhitch Bob from the buggy and hitch him to the automobile, -and he would tow me over the sandy stretch, aided by the engine. It was -a pretty picture to see this helpfulness, one to the other, especially -when my engine was palpitating in its wild, vibratory manner, and Bob -was trotting at full speed, while I fell out of the automobile, first on -one side and then on the other. - -Isobel enjoyed these little moments exceedingly and often I had to go -back to her, after I had passed the sandy spot, and pat her on the back -until she could get her breath again. She had to admit that she had -never imagined she could get so much pleasure out of an automobile. But -it was that kind of an automobile--any one could get more pleasure out -of it than in it. - -I myself found that after the first novelty wore off automobiling became -a bore. As a method of securing pleasure the cost per gallon to each -unit of joy was too high, in that machine. Riding in my machine was not -what is called "joy riding." It was more like a malady. - -[Illustration: 237] - -Of course we never attempted a long tour, like that to Port Lafayette, -which is eleven miles from Westcote, and it was about the time my tire -troubles began that I thought of domesticating my automobile. I remember -with what pride I discovered my first puncture. Every automobile owner -of my acquaintance had tire troubles, and I had never had any, and I -felt slighted. Sometimes I felt tempted to take an awl and puncture a -tire myself, so I, too, could talk about my tire troubles, but I had a -feeling that that would be unprofessional. I had never heard of any real -sporty automobilist punching holes in his tires with awls; in fact they -seemed to consider there was no particular pleasure in punctured tires. -That was the way they talked--as if a puncture was a misfortune--but I -knew better. I could hear the undercurrent of pride in their voices -as they announced: "Well, I had three punctures and two blow-outs -yesterday. I was running along slowly, about fifty-five miles an hour, -between Oyster Bay and Huntington, when--" And then the next man would -pipe up and say: "Yes? Well, I beat that. I was speeding a little--not -much, but about sixty miles an hour--on the Jericho Turnpike last night, -and all four tires--" And through it all I had to sit silent. I longed -to be able to say: "I was speeding along yesterday at about half a mile -an hour, the machine going better than usual, when suddenly I jumped out -and stuck my penknife into the forward, left-hand tire--" I had never -had a puncture. I was not in their class. - -But my turn came. I was speeding a little--about one city block every -five minutes--on Thirteenth Street, when my sparker stopped sparking. -When your engine misses fire there are six hundred and forty-two things -that may be the matter, and after you have tested the six hundred -and forty-two, it may be an entirely new six hundred and forty-third -trouble. I have known a man to try the full six hundred and forty-two -remedies unavailingly, and then sigh and wipe his goggles, and the -engine began working beautifully. And it was only by chance--pure -chance--that he happened to wipe his goggles. Probably he had not wiped -them for years. But after that the first thing he did when his engine -did not fire was to wipe them. And never, never again did it have the -least effect on the engine. That is one of the peculiar things about an -automobile. And there are nine hundred and ninety-nine other peculiar -things, each of which is more peculiar than all the rest. - -[Illustration: 243] - -I had just taken my automobile apart to discover why the engine did not -work, and the various pieces of its anatomy were scattered up and down -the street for a block or more, and I was hunting up another piece -to take out, when I noticed that one of my tires was flat. I had a -puncture! I suppose I would have thrilled with joy at any other time, -but just after a man has dissected his automobile is no time for him to -thrill. He has other things to amuse him. I have even known a man who -had just discovered that his last battery had gone dead to swear a -little when he discovered that two tires had also gone flat. - -It was when I was pumping up that new inner tube that I decided to -domesticate my automobile. It seemed to be a shame to take such a -delicate piece of machinery out on the rough, unfeeling road, and I -remembered that Rolfs had told me of a Philadelphia friend of his who -had half domesticated his automobile. Rolfs said that once, when he was -foolish, he had ridden half an hour, out to his friend's farm, and there -the automobile was jacked up and a belt attached to one of the rear -wheels, and in less than five minutes the car was doing duty as a piece -of farm machinery, running a feed cutter. Rolfs said it was great. He -said it was the only time he ever felt satisfied that an automobile was -getting what it deserved. He said that all the men had to do was to keep -the fodder-cutter fed with fodder, and that it kept two farm hands busy. -He said I ought to get some fodder and cut it that way and stop being -an obstruction in the public highways. He suggested that I get some wood -and saw wood with the automobile, or get some apples and make cider. He -suggested a thousand things I could do with the automobile, and not one -of them was riding in it. - -I had tried riding in it myself, and after owning it a week or two I -decided it was just the kind of automobile that was meant to do general -household work. So I domesticated it. - - - - -XII. MR. PRAWLEY RETURNS - -MARY was one of the most faithful servants a family ever had. Her -faithfulness deserves this monument. She was a Pole and she could not -pronounce her own name. She tried to pronounce it the first day she -came to us, but along toward the sixth or seventh syllable she became -confused and had to give it up. She said it was Schneider in English. -Perhaps the reason she remained with us so long was because she had -brought her Polish name with her, and it was too much trouble to move -it from place to place. When she once got in a place, she liked to stay -there. But "Schneider" was about the only English word she knew, -and this made it a little difficult to explain to her that I had -domesticated the automobile and would allow her to use it on wash day. -I had to make a picture of it, and even then she seemed rather doubtful -about it. - -As a matter of fact it was all very simple, but Mary Schneider was -stupid. We already had the washing machine, and we had the automobile, -and it was only necessary to connect the rear wheel of the automobile -with the drive wheel of the washing machine by means of a belt, jack up -the rear axle of the automobile, and start the engine. I hoped in -time to go further than this and hitch up the coffee mill, the -carpet-sweeper, the ice-cream freezer, and all our other household -machinery, and then Mary Schneider would have a very easy time of it. -She could have sat in the automobile with her hands on the speed levers -and the work would have done itself. But Mary would not sit in the -automobile. She tried to explain that she had seen me sit in it and that -the Schneiders, as a family, had very brittle bones and could not afford -to fall out of automobiles of such height, but I could not understand -what she was saying. I only understood that she said she would give -notice immediately if she had to sit in that automobile while the -palpitator was jiggering. - -I had a feeling that all this was mere diffidence on her part, and that -when she once saw how easy it all was she would be delighted with it. -So I jacked up the rear axle of the car in my backyard, and attached the -clothesline as a belt to the rear wheel and to the drive wheel of the -washing machine. I remained at home one Monday morning especially to do -this, and Isobel thought it was very kind of me. She said she was sure -Mary could do it, and would be glad to, after she had once seen how it -was done. - -Mary put the soap in the washing machine, and the hot water, and the -clothes, and I started the automobile engine. It was all I had hoped. -Never, never had I seen clothes washed so rapidly. Luckily I had thought -to nail the legs of the washing machine to the floor of the back porch. -This steadied the washing machine and kept it from jumping more than it -did. Of course, some vibration was conveyed along the rope belt from the -automobile, and Mary had to hasten to and fro bringing more hot water to -refill the washing machine. It was like a storm at sea, or a geyser, or -a large hot fountain. When we had the automobile going at full speed -the water hardly entered the washing machine before it dashed madly out -again. - -Isobel had to help by putting more clothes in the washing machine. It -used up clothes as rapidly as Rolf's friend's fodder-cutter used -up fodder, but I think it cut the clothes into smaller pieces. We -discovered this when we hunted up the clothes later. We did not notice -it at the time. All was excitement. - -It was a proud moment for me. The engine was running as well as it ever -did, the dasher of the washing machine was dashing to and fro with hot -water, and Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs. Millington were cheering us on. I -began to believe we would break all records for clothes washing if Mary -and Isobel could only keep water and clothes in the washing machine. -Just then I fell out of the automobile. - -Possibly the sudden removal of my weight had an effect. It may have been -that my head in striking one of the rear wheels moved the axle. Of this -I can never be sure. The rear axle unjacked itself, and as the rear -wheels touched the ground the automobile darted away. I was just able to -touch the washing machine as it hurried by, but it did not wait for me -to secure a firm hold, and it went on its way. But Mary was faithful to -the last. She--ignorant though she was--knew that the weekly wash should -not dash off in this manner. She--although but a Pole, knew her duty and -did it. Mary hung onto the washing machine. Whither the wash went she -was going. And so she did. Rapidly, too. - -The rear porch was not badly damaged. Only those boards to which the -washing machine had been nailed went with it, but where the automobile -went through the back fence we had to make extensive repairs. But it -was all for the best. If the automobile had not made a hole in the fence -Mary could not have gone through. Of course, she could have gone around -by the gate, but she would have lost time, and she was not losing any -time. Neither was the washing machine. The automobile did not gain an -inch on it, and sometimes when the washing machine made a good jump it -overtook the automobile. So did Mary. - -I saw then that I had not thoroughly domesticated the automobile. As -we stood and watched the automobile and the washing machine and Mary -dashing rapidly away in the distance, we felt that the automobile was -still a little too wild for household use, but I fully believed the -automobile would be tame enough before it reached home again. A young, -strong automobile may be able to take cross country runs without ill -effects, but an elderly automobile, like the one I bought of Millington, -cannot dash across country towing a washing machine and a Polish -servant, whose name is Schneider in English, without danger to its -constitution. I do not blame the washing machine--it could not let go, -it was belted on--but if Mary had had presence of mind she would have -released her grasp when she found the strain was too much for the -automobile. But it is strange how differently the minds of male and -female run. As I watched the automobile disappear over the edge of the -hill I said: - -"Isobel, I guess that ends that automobile," But Isobel said: - -"John, I am afraid we have lost Mary." And yet that automobile and that -Pole were the last two in the world I should ever have suspected of -running away with each other. She came back later in the day, but she -did not say much. She packed her trunk and took her wages, and remarked -a remark that sounded like the English word Schneider translated into -Polish. The washing machine did not return. - -When Millington came out to the fence that evening I told him that I was -done with automobiling, and that the automobile was probably mashed to -flinders. He had been looking bad, but he brightened at the words. - -"John," he said, "if that automobile is wrecked as badly as it should -be after running wild with a tail of washing machines and -Schneiders-in-English, I'll buy it back. I'll give--I'll give you five -dollars for it." - -He must have seen the eagerness in my eyes, for he remarked quickly: - -"I'll give you two dollars and forty-five cents for it!" - -"I'll take it!" I said instantly. - -"It is mine!" said Millington, and he handed over the money. - -As soon as it was in my pocket I heard a rustling in the currant bushes -at my left, and Mr. Prawley raised his head above them. - -"Mother's well again," he said. "I've come back!" - - - - -XIII. MILLINGTON'S MOTOR MYSTERY - - -MILLINGTON and I hunted up the automobile the next day, and it was in -worse condition than I had imagined. The only way the car could be got -back to his garage was on a truck, but we got it there, and unloaded -it, and Millington hunted up all his tools and got them ready to use the -next day. It was late by that time, and we locked the garage and went to -bed. - -All night I worried over having taken two dollars and forty-five -cents from Millington for that collection of old metal that had been a -motor-car, and as early as possible the next morning I took the money -and went over to Millington's. I found him just going out to the garage, -and he positively refused to take back the money. He said the car was -in just the condition he wanted it, and that if I hadn't knocked the -witchery out of it no one could. He said he hoped--and just then he -opened the garage door. - -There stood the automobile, on the very spot where we had left it, but -there was not a scratch on it. Except that it was an ancient model, it -might have been a brand new car. Even the brasswork had been polished, -and at the first glance the tires seemed new, but we found they had only -been carefully repaired and painted drab. - -Millington stood looking at the automobile a few minutes and then -laughed. He turned to me with a strangely contorted face and said: -"Uncle Tom, you are invited to take a ride with Cleopatra in my air-ship -to-night at midnight." - -Millington said this in a very calm voice, but he immediately followed -it by asking me to have a piece of strawberry pie, and instead of pie he -offered me the can of gear grease. I managed to coax him into the -house, and when the doctor arrived he advised absolute rest. He said -Millington's brain was not yet permanently affected, but that another -such shock would be too much for him. He said that for the present we -must humour him, and try to make him believe that the automobile was -damaged beyond recovery. It seemed to have a soothing effect, and to aid -his recovery I got into the car, ran it into the street, aimed it at a -stone wall opposite Millington's window, threw on the high speed, and -jumped to one side. One minute later the machine was afire, and half -an hour later little was left of it but the metal parts, and they were -badly warped. - -Mr. Prawley came out when he saw the fire, and a look of the most -fiendish joy glittered in his eyes. Never have I seen a man show -such pleasure over the destruction of an automobile. His hatred of -automobiles seemed to be endless and bottomless. - -When I told Millington that his automobile was now in about as bad -condition as man could put it into, he sat up in bed, and the light of -sanity came into his eyes. He walked to the window and looked out at the -car, and became his old cheerful self again. He said that there was no -doubt now that the devils in the car had been exorcised, and that with -a few weeks work he could get it back into such shape that the engine -would be working properly, and we would then, he said take that little -run up to Port Lafayette. He then took a little nourishment, and by -night he was quite himself again. When he had had his dinner I went home -and had mine, and went to bed at once, for I knew Millington would be at -work soon after sun-up. - -I had hardly got into bed, however, when I began to fear that -Millington's eagerness would get the best of him, and at ten o'clock I -went over to his house. I found him in bed and awake and cheerful, but -he said he did not mean to get up. He said it was against his policy to -get up the day before in order to be up the next day, so I sat by his -bed and read chapters from a dear little work of fiction entitled "Easy -Remedies for Ignition Troubles," until the clock struck twelve, and then -Millington hopped out of bed and threw on his clothes. - -The moment we stepped from the back door the same thing struck us both -with surprise. There was a light in the garage! - -My first thought was that some rascal was in the garage trying to -ruin Millington's automobile, but a second thought assured me this was -impossible. Ruin could be carried no farther than I had carried it. -Bidding Millington be silent, I crept cautiously toward the garage, with -Millington at my heels, and without a sound we peered in at the window. -The sight was one that would have shaken the strongest man. - -Bending over the motor, with his face made unearthly by the artificial -light that fell upon it obliquely, casting deep shadows, was that -villain, Mr. Prawley! I have never seen anything so devilish as that -wretch as he worked with inhuman agility and haste. His long, claw-like -fingers danced from one part of the machine to another fiendishly, and a -hideous grin distorted his features. He was humming some weird tune, and -I noted that he was ambidextrous, for he was varnishing the hood with -one hand while with the other he was putting in a new spark plug. A -tremor of horror passed over Millington and over me at the same moment. -A few whispered words, a few stealthy steps, and we burst in and seized -Mr. Prawley by the arms. In a moment we had him on the floor of the -garage, bound hand and foot. - -Millington was for wreaking immediate vengeance on him, but I stood -firmly for a more lawful course, and the next day we handed him over to -the authorities, and his whole miserable story came out. His name was -not Mr. Prawley at all. Neither was it Alonzo Duggs, which was the name -he he had given us when Isobel and I hired him. His name was William -Alexander Vandergribbin. He came of good family, but mania for speeding -automobiles had brought him to ruin, and the third time he was arrested -for over-speeding a sentence of thirty years in the penitentiary had -been pronounced by the judge. The judge, however, had suspended the -sentence provided that William Alexander Vandergribbin never again -touched an automobile. - -For several years Vandergribbin fought down his appetite. Then he -fell. He changed his name to Flossy Zozo, and secured a job as the -death-defying loop-the-gappist with the big show. For a time the -speeding down the runway in the fake automobile, with the somersault at -the bottom of the run, appeased his cravings, but the rules of the -show prohibited him from tinkering with the fake automobile, which was -strictly in charge of the property man, and Vandergribbin left the show, -changed his name to Alonzo Duggs, and seeking our quiet town, chose work -in the house nearest the man owning the oldest automobile. For weeks he -had watched his opportunity--you know the rest. He is now in Sing Sing. - -I am sorry to end this story so abruptly, but Millington has just -come over to ask if I would not like to take a little run out to Port -Lafayette. I have always wanted to go to Port Lafayette, which is about -eleven miles from here; so, if you will excuse me, I will go and button -Isobel's matinee gown, and we will be off. - - -END - - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Adventures Of A Suburbanite, by -Ellis Parker Butler - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ADVENTURES OF A SUBURBANITE *** - -***** This file should be named 44153.txt or 44153.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/1/5/44153/ - -Produced by David Widger - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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-The Adventures of a Suburbanite, by Ellis Parker Butler
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-Project Gutenberg's The Adventures Of A Suburbanite, by Ellis Parker Butler
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-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
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-Title: The Adventures Of A Suburbanite
-
-Author: Ellis Parker Butler
-
-Illustrator: A. B. Phelan
-
-Release Date: November 10, 2013 [EBook #44153]
-Last Updated: March 11, 2018
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-Language: English
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-Character set encoding: UTF-8
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-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ADVENTURES OF A SUBURBANITE ***
-
-
-
-
-Produced by David Widger
-
-
-
-
-
-</pre>
-
-<div style="height: 8em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h1>
-THE ADVENTURES OF A SUBURBANITE
-</h1>
-<h2>
-By Ellis Parker Butler
-</h2>
-<p>
-<br />
-</p>
-<h3>
-Illustrated by A. B. Phelan
-</h3>
-<p>
-<br />
-</p>
-<h4>
-Garden City New York Doubleday, Page & Company <br /> <br /> 1911
-</h4>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/titlepage.png" alt="titlepage" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-<br />
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/10.png" alt="10" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<p>
-<b>CONTENTS</b>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0001"> I. THE PRAWLEYS </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0002"> II. MR. PRAWLEY'S GARDEN </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0003"> III. THE EQUINE PALACE </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0004"> IV. “BOB” </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0005"> V. THE NEW MR. PRAWLEY </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0006"> VI. THE SPECKLED HEN </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0007"> VII. CHESTERFIELD WHITING </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0008"> VIII. SALTED ALMONDS </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0009"> IX. THE ROYAL GAME OR SEVERAL DAYS AFTER THE PIG
-EPISODE </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0010"> X. ADVANCED GOLF </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0011"> XI. MY DOMESTICATED AUTOMOBILE </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0012"> XII. MR. PRAWLEY RETURNS </a>
-</p>
-<p class="toc">
-<a href="#link2H_4_0013"> XIII. MILLINGTON'S MOTOR MYSTERY </a>
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-I. THE PRAWLEYS
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>SOBEL was born in a flat, and that was no fault of her own; but she was
-born in a flat, and reared in a flat, and married from a flat, and, for
-two years after we were married, we lived in a flat; but I am not a born
-flat-dweller myself, and as soon as possible I proposed that we move to
-the country. Isobel hesitated, but she hesitated so weakly that on the
-first of May we had bought the place at Westcote and moved into it.
-</p>
-<p>
-The very day I moved into my house Millington came over and said he was
-glad some one had moved in, because the last man that had lived in the
-house was afraid of automobiles, and would never take a spin with him. He
-said he hoped I was not afraid; and when I said I was not, he immediately
-proposed that we take a little spin out to Port Lafayette as soon as I had
-my furniture straightened around. I thought it was very nice and
-neighbourly and unusual for a man with an automobile to begin an
-acquaintance that way; but I did not know Millington's automobile so well
-then as I grew to know it afterward.
-</p>
-<p>
-I liked Millington. He was a short, Napoleon-looking man, with bulldog
-jaws and not very much hair, and I was glad to have him for a neighbour,
-particularly as my neighbour on the other side was a tall, haughty-looking
-man. He leaned on the division fence and stared all the while our
-furniture was being moved in. I spoke to Millington about him, and all
-Millington said was: “Rolfs? Oh, he's no good! He won't ride in an
-automobile.”
- </p>
-<p>
-At first, while we were really getting settled in our house, Isobel was
-bright and cheerful and seemed to have forgotten flats entirely but on the
-tenth of May I saw a change coming over her, and when I spoke of it she
-opened her heart to me.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” she said, “I am afraid I cannot stand it. I shall try to, for your
-sake, but I do not think I can. I am so lonely! I feel like an atom
-floating in space.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Isobel!” I said kindly but reprovingly. “With the Millingtons on one side
-and the Rolfs on the other?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I know,” she admitted contritely enough; “but you can't understand.
-Always and always, since I was born, some one has lived overhead, and some
-one has lived underneath. Sometimes only the janitor lived underneath—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, “if you will try to explain what you mean—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I mean flats,” she said dolefully. “I always lived in a flat, John, and
-there was always a family above and a family below, and it frightens me to
-think I am in a house where there is no family above me, and not even a
-janitor's family below me. It makes me feel naked, or suspended in air, or
-as if there was no ground under my feet. It makes me gasp!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“That is nonsense!” I said. “That is the beauty of having a house. We have
-it all to ourselves. Now, in a flat—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“We had our flat all to ourselves, John,” she reminded me; “but a flat
-isn't so unbounded as a house. Just think; there is nothing between us and
-the top of the sky! Not a single family! It makes me nervous. And there is
-nothing beneath us!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Now, my dear,” I said soothingly, “China is beneath us, and no doubt a
-very respectable family is keeping house directly below.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Isobel sighed contentedly.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I am so glad you thought of that!” she cried. “Now, when I feel lonely, I
-can imagine I feel the house jar as the Chinese family move their piano,
-or I can imagine that I hear their phonograph.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Very good,” I said; “and if you can imagine all that, why cannot you
-imagine a family overhead, too? The whole attic is there. Very well; I
-give up the entire attic to your imagination.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Then I kissed her and went into the back garden. My opinion is that the
-man that laid out that back garden was over-sanguine. I am passionately
-fond of gardening, and believe in back gardens; but at the present price
-of seed and the present hardness of hoe handles, I think that back garden
-is too large. This is not a mere flash opinion, either; it is a matter of
-study. The first day I stuck spade into that garden I had given little
-thought to its size, but by the time I had spaded all day I began to have
-a pretty well-defined opinion of gardens and how large they should be, and
-by the end of the third day of spading I believe I may say I was well
-equipped to testify as an expert on garden sizes. That was the day the
-blisters on my hands became raw.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/25.png" alt="25" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-The day after my little conversation with Isobel I returned home from
-business to find her awaiting me at the gate. She wore a bright smile, and
-she put her hand through my arm and hopped into step with me.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” she said cheerfully, “the Prawleys moved in to-day.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“The Prawleys? Who are the Prawleys, and what did they move into?” I
-asked.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Why, how do I know who they are, John?” she said. “I suppose we will know
-all about them soon enough, but you can't expect me to learn all about a
-family the day they move in. And as for what they moved into, of course
-there was only one vacant flat.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Flat? One vacant flat? What flat?” I asked. I was afraid Isobel was not
-entirely herself.
-</p>
-<p>
-“The one above us,” she said, and then as she saw the blank look on my
-face she said: “The—the—oh, John, <i>don't</i> you understand?
-The attic!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Hum!” I said suspiciously, looking at Isobel; but her face was so bright,
-and she looked so thoroughly contented that I did not tell her what I
-thought of this sort of pretending. Too much of it is not good for a
-person. “Very well,” I said; “I only hope they will not be too noisy.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I don't think they will,” said Isobel, smiling. “At least not while you
-are home.” She helped me off with my light coat, and when we were seated
-at the table she said: “By the way, Mr. Millington leaned over the fence
-this afternoon, and said he hoped you would take a little ride to Port
-Lafayette with him soon. He says his automobile is in almost perfect shape
-now.”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-II. MR. PRAWLEY'S GARDEN
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>SOBEL was brighter at dinner than she had been for some days. She seemed
-quite contented, now that the imaginary Prawleys had moved into the attic.
-She said no more about them, and when I had finished my dinner I put on my
-gardening togs and went out to garden awhile before dark. Blisters are
-certainly most painful after a day of rest, and I did not work long. I was
-almost in despair about the garden. Fully half had not been touched, and
-what I had already done looked ragged and as if it needed doing over
-again. The more I dug, the more great chunks of sod I found buried in it,
-and it seemed as if my garden, when I had dug out all the chunks of sod,
-would be a pit instead of a level. It threatened to be a sunken garden.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said angrily, when the sun had set and I was once more sitting
-in the chair on my veranda, with my hands wrapped in wet handkerchiefs,
-“you know how passionately fond of gardening I am, and how I longed and
-pined for a garden for two full years, and you know, therefore, that it
-takes a great deal of gardening to satisfy me; but I must say that the man
-who laid out that garden must have been a man of shameful leisure. He laid
-out a garden twice as large as any garden should be.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Then why do you try to work it all?” she asked.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Oh, work it!” I exclaimed with some irritation. “I can't let half a
-garden go to weeds! That would look nice, wouldn't it! I'll work it all
-right! You don't care how I suffer and struggle. You sit here—”
- </p>
-<p>
-The next evening when I reached home
-</p>
-<p>
-I did not feel particularly happy. My hands were quite raw, and my back
-had sharp pains and was stiff, and I spoke gruffly to Millington when he
-suggested an automobile ride to Port Lafayette for that evening.
-</p>
-<p>
-“No!” I said shortly. “You ought to know I can't go. I've got to kill
-myself in that garden!”
- </p>
-<p>
-But I was resolved Isobel should never see me conquered by a patch of
-ground, and after dinner I went out with my spade and hoe. When my glance
-fell on the garden I stopped short. I was very angry.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel?” I called sharply.
-</p>
-<p>
-She came tripping around the house and to my side.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Who did that?” I asked severely. I was in no mood for nonsense.
-</p>
-<p>
-She looked at the garden. One half of it—not the half I had
-struggled with, but the other 'half—had been spaded, crushed,
-ridged, planted, and left in perfect condition. The small cabbage plants
-had been carefully watered. Not a grain of earth was larger than a pin
-head. Not a blade of grass stuck up anywhere. Isobel looked at the garden,
-and then at me.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I warned him!” she said. “I warned him you would be angry when you came
-home! I told him you wanted to garden that half of the garden, too, and
-that you would probably go right up and give him a piece of your mind, but
-he insisted that he had a right to half the garden, and—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“<i>Who</i> insisted that he had a right to half my garden?” I demanded.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Why,” said Isobel, as if surprised at the question, “Mr. Prawley did.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Prawley? Prawley? I don't know any Prawley!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Don't you know the Prawleys that moved into the flat above us?” said
-Isobel. “And he is a very nice man, too,” she continued. “He was not at
-all rude. He merely insisted, in a quiet way, that as he was a tenant and
-as there was only one back garden, and two families in the house, he was
-entitled to half the garden.”
- </p>
-<p>
-She did not give me a chance to speak, but ran on in that vein, while I
-stood and looked at the garden and, among other things, thought of my
-blistered hands and my lame back.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Well and good, Isobel,” I said at length. “I do not wish to have anything
-to say to the Prawleys, nor do I wish to quarrel with them, and since he
-demands half the garden you may tell him he is welcome to it. I cannot
-conceal that in taking half of it away from me he has robbed me of just
-that much passionate happiness, and you may tell him I do not like the way
-he gardens, but I will say no more about it!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Oh, you dear old John!” said Isobel. “And now you shall not touch that
-miserable garden with your poor sore hands. You shall just sit on the
-veranda with me and let me bathe your palms with witch hazel.” Although I
-assumed an air of sternness in speaking to Isobel of Mr. Prawley I was
-glad to be able to humour her, for she seemed so much happier after
-beginning to pretend that the Prawley family occupied the attic of our
-house. Giving in to these harmless little whims of our wives does much to
-make life pleasanter for them—and for us—and as long as Mr.
-Prawley left me my own half of the garden I could not be discontented. One
-half of that garden was really all a man should attempt to garden, no
-matter how passionately fond of gardening he might be.
-</p>
-<p>
-It is fine to be the owner of a bit of soil and to feel the joy of
-possession, but it is still more delightful to be able to see one's own
-garden truck springing into life after one has dug and planted and weeded
-and cultivated with one's own hands. I had no greater desire in life than
-to devote all my spare time to my garden, but a man must give his health
-some attention, and Isobel pointed out that if I gardened but one half of
-the garden I would have time to ride to Port Lafayette with Millington in
-his automobile now and then, and as Port Lafayette is on the salt water
-the air would be good for me.
-</p>
-<p>
-Port Lafayette is about eleven miles from Westcote, and I had often wished
-to go to Port Lafayette, but Millington is absurdly jealous. Of course, I
-could have taken Isobel by train in about one half hour, or I could walk
-it in two or three hours, or drive there in an hour; but I knew that would
-hurt Millington's feelings. He would take it as an insult to his
-automobile.
-</p>
-<p>
-But now I told Isobel that as soon as my garden got into reasonable shape
-we would go to Port Lafayette with Millington. Isobel told me that my
-health was more important than radishes, and reasoned that a few weeds in
-a garden were not a bad thing. Weeds, she said, grow rapidly, while
-vegetables are modest and retiring things, and she considered that a few
-weeds in my half of the garden might set a good example to the vegetables.
-</p>
-<p>
-Mr. Prawley evidently held a different view, for he did not allow a single
-weed to raise its head in his half of the garden, and I told Isobel,
-rather sharply, that his idea was the right one, and that I should weed my
-garden every evening until there was not a weed in it.
-</p>
-<p>
-“But, John,” she said, “I have never ridden in an automobile, and it would
-be a great treat for me.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“No doubt,” I groaned—I was weeding in my garden at the moment—“but,
-treat or no treat, I am not going to have this half of the garden look
-like a forest.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I know you enjoy it,” she began, but I silenced her.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I am passionately fond of gardening,” I said, “and I have told you so a
-million times. Now will you leave me alone to enjoy it, or won't you?”
- </p>
-<p>
-She went into the house and left me enjoying it alone.
-</p>
-<p>
-The very next evening, when I looked into my half of the garden, I found
-it weeded and put into the best of shape, and when I hunted up Isobel,
-angry indeed at having so much pleasure taken from me, she did not dare
-look me in the eye.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said sharply, “what is the meaning of this?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“John,” she said meekly, “I am afraid I am to blame. You know Mr. Prawley
-does not like automobile riding—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I know nothing of the kind, Isobel,” I said. “I know I am passionately
-fond of gardening, and that some one has robbed me of the pleasure I have
-looked forward to for years: the joy of weeding my own garden on my own
-land.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Mr. Prawley does not like automobile riding,” continued Isobel, “and he
-came to me this morning and told me his health was so poor that his doctor
-had told him nothing but gardening could save his life. When he showed the
-garden to his doctor, the doctor told him he was not getting half enough
-gardening—that he must garden twice as much. I told Mr. Prawley he
-could not have your half of the garden, because you were passionately fond
-of it—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“True, Isobel!” I said, rubbing my back at the lamest spot.
-</p>
-<p>
-“But he begged on his knees, saying that while it was only a pleasure for
-you, it was life and health for him, and when his wife wept, I had not the
-heart to refuse. He said he would make a fair exchange, and that as he was
-an anti-vegetarian you could have all the vegetables that grew in your own
-half, and all that grew in his, too.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, taking her hand, “this is a great, great disappointment
-to me. It robs me of a pleasure of which I may say I am passionately fond,
-but I cannot disown a contract made by my little wife. Mr. Prawley may
-garden my half of the garden.”
- </p>
-<p>
-I must admit that the Prawleys were ideal tenants. Not a sound came from
-his floor of the house. Indeed, I did not see him nor his family at all.
-But during my days in town he and Isobel seemed to have many
-conversations, and she was so tender-hearted and easily moved that one by
-one she let Mr. Prawley take all the outdoor work of which I may rightly
-claim to be passion—to be exceedingly fond.
-</p>
-<p>
-Mowing the lawn is one of the things in which I delight. I ardently love
-pushing the lawn mower, and if, occasionally, I allowed the grass to grow
-rather long, it was only because I was saving the pleasure of cutting it,
-as a child saves the icing of its cake for the last sweet bite. I remember
-remarking, quite in joke, one morning, that the confounded lawn needed
-mowing again, and that the grass seemed to do nothing but grow, and that
-I'd probably have to break my back over it when I got home that evening.
-But when I reached home that evening I suspected that Isobel must have
-taken my little joke as earnest, for the lawn was nicely mown and the
-edges trimmed. It seemed, when I questioned Isobel, that Mr. Prawley's
-doctor was not satisfied with his progress and had assured him that lawn
-mowing was necessary for his complete recovery. Thus Isobel allowed Mr.
-Prawley to usurp another of my pleasures.
-</p>
-<p>
-So, one by one, the outdoor tasks of which I am so passionately fond were
-wrested from me. I allowed them to go because I thought it necessary to
-humour Isobel in her pretence that some family occupied a flat above us,
-and all seemed well; and we were ready to go to Port Lafayette in Mr.
-Millington's automobile whenever it was ready to take us, when one day in
-June I happened to notice that our grass was getting unusually long and
-untidy.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, “I have humoured Mr. Prawley, abandoning to him all the
-outdoor chores of which I am so passionately fond, but if he is to do this
-lawn I want him to do it, and not neglect it shamefully. I will not have
-it looking like this!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“But, John—” she began.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I tell you, Isobel,” I said, with rising anger, “I won't have it! I'll
-stand a good deal, but when I have robbed myself of my greatest pleasure,
-and then see the other man neglecting it, I rebel. If this goes on I'll
-forget that Mr. Prawley has bad health. I'll enjoy cutting the lawn
-myself!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“John,” said Isobel, throwing her arms about my neck, “you will be so
-glad! I have good news to tell you! The Prawleys have moved away! Now you
-can do all your own hoeing and mowing.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“The Prawleys have moved away?” I gasped.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Yes,” she said cheerfully, “and now you can garden all the garden, and
-cut all the lawn and rake all the walks, and weed, and do all the things
-you are so fond of doing.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said sternly, “if I thought only of myself I would indeed be
-glad. But I cannot have my little wife fearing the empty flat above her.
-You must immediately hire another—er—get another family.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“But I shall not be nervous any more, John,” she said; “and it is a shame
-to deprive you of the outdoor work.”
- </p>
-<p>
-I looked out upon the large lawn and the large garden.
-</p>
-<p>
-“No, Isobel,” I said, “you must take no chances. You may not think you
-will be nervous, but the feeling may return. If you do not get a family to
-move in, I shall!”
- </p>
-<p>
-I rubbed the palms of my hands where the blisters had been, and thought of
-the middle of my back where the pains and aches had congregated. I was
-ready to sacrifice my passionate longing for outdoor work once more for
-Isobel's sake.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/45.png" alt="45" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-“Well,” she said thoughtfully, “I know of an excellent coloured man in
-Lower Westcote, that we can hire by the day—I mean that we can get
-to move into the flat—but I can hardly afford, with my present
-allowance, to pay his wages—that is, I mean—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“For some time, Isobel,” I said hastily, “I have been thinking your
-allowance was too small. You must have a—a great many household
-expenses of which I know nothing.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I have,” she said simply.
-</p>
-<p>
-That evening when I returned from the city I saw that the lawn grass had
-been cut so closely that it looked as if the lawn had been shaved. Isobel
-ran to meet me.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John!” she cried; “John! Who do you think has moved into the flat
-overhead?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Dear me!” I exclaimed. “How should I know?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“The Prawleys!” she cried. “The Prawleys have moved back again. Are you
-not glad?”
- </p>
-<p>
-I concealed my chagrin. I hid the sorrow with which I saw my passionate
-fondness for outdoor work once more defeated of its object.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, “I wish you would tell Mr. Prawley's doctor to tell Mr.
-Prawley that it is imperative for Mr. Prawley's best health that Mr.
-Prawley dig the grass out of the gravel walks to-morrow. Tell him—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I told him this evening to do the walks the first thing in the morning,”
- said Isobel innocently, “and when he has done them I am going to have him
-help Mary wash the windows.”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-III. THE EQUINE PALACE
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">N</span>OW that Mr. Prawley is back,” I told Isobel, “we can take that trip to
-Port Lafayette with Millington,” and it was then Isobel mentioned the
-advisability of keeping a horse; but Millington and I, not being afraid of
-automobiles, began to go to Port Lafayette in his automobile. As a rule we
-began to go every day, and sometimes twice a day, and I must say for
-Millington's automobile that it was one of the most patient I have ever
-seen. Patient and willing are the very words. It would start for Port
-Lafayette as willingly as anything, and go along as patiently as possible.
-It was a very patient goer. Haste had no charms for it.
-</p>
-<p>
-Millington used to come over bright and early and say cheerfully, “Well,
-how would you like to take a little run out to Port Lafayette to-day?” and
-I would get my cap, and we would go over to his garage and get into the
-machine. Then Millington would pull a lever or two, and begin to listen
-for noises indicative of internal disorders. As a rule, they began
-immediately, but sometimes he would not hear anything that could be called
-really serious until we reached the corner of the block. Once, I remember,
-and I shall never forget the date, we went three miles before Millington
-stopped the car and got out his wrenches and antiseptic bandages and other
-surgical tools; but usually the noises began inside of the block. Then we
-would push it home, and postpone the trip for that day, while Millington
-laboured over the automobile.
-</p>
-<p>
-“We will get to Port Lafayette yet,” he would say hopefully.
-</p>
-<p>
-As soon as Isobel mentioned keeping a horse I knew she was beginning to
-like suburban life, and I was delighted. Having lived all her life in a
-flat, her mind naturally ran to theatres and roof gardens, rather than to
-the delights of the suburbs, and her reading still consisted more of
-department store bargain sales and advertisements of new plays than of
-seed catalogues and ready mixed paints, as a good suburban wife's reading
-should; but as soon as she mentioned that it would be nice to have a horse
-I knew she was at length falling a victim to the allurements of our
-semi-country existence. In order to add fuel to the flame I took up the
-suggestion with enthusiasm.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said warmly, “that is a splendid idea! A horse is just what we
-need to add the finishing touch to our happiness! With these splendid,
-tree-bordered roads—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“A horse that is not afraid of Mr. Millington's automobile,” interposed
-Isobel.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Certainly,” I said, “a horse that you can drive without fear—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“But not a pokey old thing,” said Isobel.
-</p>
-<p>
-“By no means,” I agreed; “what we want is a young, fresh horse that can
-get over the road—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“And gentle,” said Isobel. “And strong. And he must be a good-looking
-horse. One with a glossy skin. Reddish brown, with a long tail. I would
-like a great, big, strong-looking horse, like the Donelleys', but faster,
-like the Smiths'.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Exactly,” I said. “That's the sort of horse I had in mind. And we will
-get the horse immediately. I shall stay at home tomorrow and select the
-kind of horse we want, unless Mr. Millington takes me to Port Lafayette—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Now, John,” said Isobel, “you must not be too hasty. You must be careful.
-I think the right way to buy a horse is to shop a little first, and see
-what people have in stock, and not take the first thing that is offered,
-the way you do when you buy shirts. You know how hideous some of those
-last shirts are, and the arms far too long, and we don't want anything
-like that to happen when you are buying a horse. I have been talking to
-Mrs. Rolfs, and she says it is mere folly to buy the first horse that is
-offered. Mrs. Rolfs says it stands to reason that a man who wants to get
-rid of a horse would be the first man to offer it. As soon as he learned
-we wanted a horse he would rush to us with the horse, so as not to lose
-the chance of getting rid of it. And Mrs. Millington says it is worse than
-foolish to wait until the very last horse is offered and then buy that
-one, for the man that hung back in that way would undoubtedly be the man
-that did not particularly care to part with his horse, and would feel that
-he was doing us a favour, and would ask a perfectly unreasonable price.
-The thing to do, John, is to buy, as nearly as possible, the middle horse
-that is offered. If twenty-one horses were offered the thing to do would
-be to buy the eleventh horse, and in that way we would be sure to get a
-good horse at a reasonable price.”
- </p>
-<p>
-I told Isobel that what she said was perfectly logical, and that I would
-get right to work and frame up an advertisement for the local paper,
-saying we wanted a horse and would be glad to examine twenty-one of them.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Now, wait a minute,” she said, when I had started for my desk, “and don't
-be in too great a hurry. You know the mistake you made in those last socks
-you bought, by going into the first store you came to, and the very first
-time you put on those socks they wore full of holes. We don't want a horse
-that will wear like that. Mrs. Rolfs says we must be very particular what
-sort of man we buy our horse from. She says it is like suicide to buy a
-horse from a dealer, because a dealer knows so much more about horses than
-we do, and is up to so many tricks, that he would have no trouble at all
-in fooling us, and we would probably get a horse that was worth nothing at
-all. And Mrs. Millington says it is the greatest mistake in the world to
-buy a horse from an ordinary suburban commuter. She says commuters know
-nothing at all about horses and just buy them blindfold, and that, if we
-buy a horse from a commuter, we are sure to get a worthless horse that the
-commuter has had foisted upon him and is anxious to get rid of. The person
-to buy a horse of, John, is a person that knows all about horses, but who
-is not a dealer.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“My idea exactly,” I told Isobel, and started for my desk again.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John, dear,” said Isobel, before I had taken two steps, “why are you
-always so impetuous? Of course I want a horse, and I would like to have it
-as soon as possible, but I believe in exercising a little common sense.
-Where, may I ask, are you going to keep the horse when you have got him?”
- </p>
-<p>
-Now, this had not occurred to me, but I answered promptly.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I shall put him out to board,” I said unhesitatingly, and there was
-really nothing else I could say, for there was no stable on my place. I
-know plenty of suburbanites who keep horses and have them boarded at the
-livery stables. But this did not please Isobel.
-</p>
-<p>
-“You must do nothing of the kind!” said Isobel firmly. “Mrs. Rolfs and
-Mrs. Millington both say there is nothing worse for a good horse than to
-put it out to board. Mrs. Rolfs says it is much cheaper to keep your horse
-in your own bam, and Mrs. Millington says she would have a very low
-opinion of any man who would trust his horse to a liveryman. She says the
-horse is man's most faithful servant, and should be treated as such, and
-that she has not the least doubt that the liveryman would underfeed our
-horse, and then let it out to hire to some young harum-scarum, who would
-whip it into a gallop until it got overheated, and then water it when it
-was so hot the water would sizzle in its stomach, creating steam and
-giving it a bad case of colic. And Mrs. Rolfs says the liveryman would be
-pleased with this, rather than sorry, for then he would have to call in
-the veterinary, who would divide his fee with the liveryman. So, you see,
-we must keep our horse in our own stable.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“But, my dear,” I protested, “we have no stable.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Then we must build one,” said Isobel with decision. “Mrs. Rolfs, as soon
-as she heard we were going to keep a horse, lent me a magazine with a
-picture of a very nice stable, and Mrs. Millington lent me another
-magazine with some excellent hints on how a modern stable should be
-arranged, and I think, with all the modern methods of doing things
-rapidly, we might have our stable all complete in a week, or ten days at
-the most.”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/61.png" alt="61" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-When I looked at Mrs. Rolfs's picture of a stable I felt immediately that
-it would not suit my purse. I admitted to Isobel that it was a handsome
-stable, and that the cupola with the weather vane looked very well indeed,
-and that the idea of having two wings extended from the main building to
-form a sort of court was a good one; but I told her it would inconvenience
-the traffic on the street before our house if we moved our house far
-enough into the street to permit putting a stable of that size in our
-back-yard. I also told her, as gently as I could, that the style of
-architecture did not suit our house, for while our house is a plain house,
-the stable recommended by Mrs. Rolfs was pressed brick and stained
-shingles, with a slate roof. I also pointed out to Isobel that one horse
-hardly needed a stable of that size, and that even a very large horse
-would feel lonely in the main building.
-</p>
-<p>
-I remarked jocosely that it would be well enough, if we could keep two or
-three grooms with nothing to do but hunt through the stable, trying to
-find the horse. If we could afford to do that, it would be a pleasure to
-awaken in the morning and have one of the grooms come running to us with
-the light of joy on his face, saying, “What do you think, sir?
-</p>
-<p>
-“But I told her it would inconvenience the traffic on the street before
-our house if we moved our house far enough into the street to permit
-putting a stable of that size in our backyard.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Isobel smiled in a wan, sad way at this, so I did not say, as I had
-intended saying if she had received my joke well, that the only horse
-requiring wings was Pegasus, and that he furnished his own.
-</p>
-<p>
-Instead, I took up Mrs. Millington's article on the modern stable. It was
-a masterly article, indeed, and it spoke highly of the gravity stable. No
-hay forks, no pitching up forage, no elevating feed, no loading of manure
-from a heap into a wagon. No, indeed! Everything must go down; the natural
-law of gravitation must do the work. Three stories, with the rear of the
-stable against the side of the hill. Drive your feed into the top story
-and unload it. Slide it down into the second story to the horse. Through a
-trap in the stall the manure falls into a wagon waiting to receive it.
-</p>
-<p>
-There were other details—electric lights, silver-mounted chains, and
-other little things—but I did not pay much attention to them. I
-explained to Isobel that it would be difficult to build a firm, solid
-hill, large enough to back a three-story stable against, in our backyard.
-Of course, there were plenty of hills in our part of Long Island that were
-lying idle and might be had at low cost, but it costs a great deal to move
-a hill, and all of them were so large they would overlap our property and
-bury the homes of Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington. This did not greatly
-impress Isobel, however, and I had to come out firmly and tell her it
-would be impossible to build a stable three stories high, with two wings,
-pressed brick, shingle walls, slate roof, and a weather vane, and at the
-same time erect a nice hill and buy a horse and rig, all with one thousand
-dollars, which was all the money I could afford to spend.
-</p>
-<p>
-When I put it that way, and gave her her choice of one thousand dollars'
-worth of hill, or one thousand dollars' worth of stable, or one thousand
-dollars' worth of assorted horse, stable, and rig, she chose the last, and
-only remarked that she would insist on the weather vane and the manure
-pit. She said that Mrs. Rolfs had taken such an interest, bringing over
-the magazine, that it was only right to have the weather vane, at least;
-and that Mrs. Millington had been so interested and kind that the very
-least we could do was to have the manure pit.
-</p>
-<p>
-“And another thing,” said Isobel, “Mr. Prawley is going to move out of the
-flat overhead.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Great Cæsar!” I exclaimed. “Is that man quitting again? Isn't he getting
-enough wages?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Wages?” said Isobel. “Nothing has been said about wages. But this Mr.
-Prawley will not stay if we buy a horse. He says he does not mind
-gardening your garden and mowing your lawn and taking all your other
-outdoor exercise for you, but that a horse once reached over the side of
-the stall and bit him, and he doesn't want to work—to live in a
-place where horses are liable to bite him at any time without a minute's
-notice.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Tell that fellow,” I said, “that we will get a horse that doesn't bite,
-or that we will muzzle the horse, or—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“It would be easier,” said Isobel, “to—to have a Prawley move in who
-was not afraid of horses. I know of a man in East Westcote, and he has had
-experience with horses—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Very well,” I said. “I suppose you will wish your allowance increased?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Yes,” said Isobel, “if the new Mr. Prawley moves into the flat overhead,
-I will need about five dollars a month more than you have been allowing
-me.”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-IV. “BOB”
- </h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE next morning I stayed at home to see about getting the stable built in
-a hurry, but before I had finished breakfast Millington came over and said
-it was an ideal day for a little spin up to Port Lafayette in his
-automobile. He said the whole machine was in perfect order and we would
-dash out to Port Lafayette, have a bath in the salt water, and come
-spinning back, and he told Isobel and me to get on our hats, and he would
-have the car before the door in a minute.
-</p>
-<p>
-Isobel and I hastily finished our coffee and put on our hats and went out
-to the gate, for, although we were very eager to build the stable, we did
-not like to offend Millington by refusing his invitation, when he had
-asked us so often to go to Port Lafayette. In half an hour he arrived at
-the gate, and we climbed in.
-</p>
-<p>
-Our usual custom, on these trips to Port Lafayette, was for Millington and
-me to sit in front, while Isobel and Mrs. Millington sat in the rear.
-There was a nice little gate in the rear by which they could enter.
-</p>
-<p>
-You see, Millington's automobile was just a little old. I should not go so
-far as to say it was the first automobile ever made. It was probably the
-thirteenth, and Millington was probably the thirteenth owner. I know it
-had four cylinders, because Millington was constantly remarking that only
-three were working. Sometimes only one worked, and sometimes that one did
-not.
-</p>
-<p>
-When we were all comfortably arranged in our seats, and all snugly tucked
-in, Millington cranked the machine for half an hour, and then remarked
-regretfully that this was one of the days none of the cylinders was
-working, and we got out again.
-</p>
-<p>
-Mr. Rolfs had come out to see us start, and he helped Millington and me
-push the automobile back to the Millington garage; and as I walked
-homeward he said he had heard I was going to buy a horse, and he wanted to
-give me a little advice.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Probably you have not given much attention to the subject of
-deforestation,” he said, “but I have, and it is the great crime of our
-age.”
- </p>
-<p>
-I told him I did not see what that had to do with my purchasing a horse,
-but he said it had everything to do with it.
-</p>
-<p>
-“When you buy a horse, you have to erect a stable,” he said, “and when you
-erect a stable, you have to buy lumber, and when you have to buy lumber,
-you suffer in your purse because the forests have been ruthlessly
-destroyed. As a friend and neighbour I would not have you go and purchase
-poor lumber, and with it build a stable that will rot to pieces in a few
-years. You must buy the best lumber, and that is too expensive to use
-recklessly. I want to warn you particularly about wire nails. Do not let
-your builder use them. They loosen in a short time and allow the boards to
-warp and crack. Personally, if I were building a stable I should have the
-ends of the boards dovetailed, and instead of nails I should use ash pegs,
-but I understand you do not wish to go to great expense, so screws will
-do. Let it be part of your contract that not a nail shall be used in your
-stable—nothing but screws, and if you can afford brass screws, so
-much the better. But remember, no nails!”
- </p>
-<p>
-I thanked Rolfs, and when Millington came over to invite me to take a
-little run up to Port Lafayette the next morning I told him what Mr. Rolfs
-had said.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Now that is just like Rolfs,” he said, “impractical as the day is long.
-Screws would not do at all. The carpenters would drive the screws with a
-hammer, and the screws would crack the wood. Take my advice and let it be
-part of your contract that not a screw is to be used in your stable;
-nothing but wire nails. <i>But</i> stipulate long wire nails; wire nails
-so long that they will go clear through and clinch on the other side, and
-then see that each and every nail is clinched. If you do this you will
-have no trouble with split lumber and not a board will work loose.”
- </p>
-<p>
-When I spoke to the builder about the probable cost of the stable, I was
-sorry I had been so lenient with Isobel, and that I had not put my foot
-down on the weather vane at once. A weather vane does not add to the
-comfort of a family horse, and the longer I spoke with the builder the
-surer I became that what I needed was not a lot of gimcracks, but a plain,
-simple, story-and-a-half affair, with the chaste architectural lines of a
-dry-goods box. I mentioned, casually, the hints Mr. Rolfs and Mr.
-Millington had given me, but the builder did not seem very enthusiastic
-about them. He snorted in a peculiar way and then said that if I was going
-in for that sort of thing I could get better results by having no nails or
-screws at all. He said I could have holes bored in the boards with a
-gimlet, and have the stable laced together with rawhide thongs, but that
-when I got ready to talk business in a sensible way, I could let him know.
-He said this was his busy day, and that his office was not a lunatic
-asylum.
-</p>
-<p>
-I managed to calm him in less than half an hour, and he remained quite
-docile until I mentioned Isobel and said she hoped he would have the
-stable ready for the horse within a week. It took me much longer to calm
-him that time. For a few moments I feared for his reason. But he quieted
-down.
-</p>
-<p>
-Then I showed him a plan I had drawn, showing the working of the manure
-dump, and this had quite a different effect on him. It pleased him
-immensely, as I could see by his face. I explained how it operated; how
-throwing a catch allowed one end of the stall floor to drop, while the
-other end of the stall floor was held in place by hinges, and he said it
-was certainly a new idea. He asked me whether it was Mr. Rolfs's idea or
-Mr. Millington's, and when I told him I had worked out the plan myself, he
-said he had rather thought so.
-</p>
-<p>
-“It is just such a plan as I should expect a man of your intelligence to
-work out,” he said.
-</p>
-<p>
-Then he asked to see my bank-book, and when I had shown him just how much
-money I had, he said the best way to build the stable was by the day. If
-it was built by the job, he explained, a builder naturally had to hurry
-the job, and things were not done as carefully as I wished them done; but
-if it was done by the day, every hammer stroke would be carefully made,
-and I could pay every evening for the work done that day.
-</p>
-<p>
-About the third week of the building operations those careful hammer
-strokes began to get on my nerves. I never knew hammer strokes so
-carefully considered and so cautiously delivered. The carpenters were most
-careful about them, and several times I spoke to the builder and suggested
-that if shorter nails were used perhaps it would not take so many strokes
-of the hammer to drive them in. I told him, if he was willing, I was
-willing to have the rest of the stable done by the job, but he said it had
-gone too far for that.
-</p>
-<p>
-There were two men working on my stable—“two souls with but a single
-thought,” Isobel called them—and they were hard thinkers. The two of
-them would take hold of a board, one at either end, and hold it in their
-hands, and look at it, and think. I do not know what they thought about—deforestation,
-probably—but they would think for ten minutes and then put the board
-gently to one side and think about another board. They did their thinking,
-as they did their work, by the day.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/77.png" alt="77" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-We had plenty of time in which to select our horse while our stable was
-building. My advertisement in the local paper brought a horse to my door
-the morning after it appeared, and no horse could have suited me quite so
-well as that one, but I was resolute and firm. I told the man—he was
-not a dealer nor yet a commuter, and my conversation with him showed me
-that he knew just enough, and not too much, about horses—that I
-liked his horse very well indeed, but that I could not purchase it.. At
-this he seemed downcast, and I did not blame him. He seemed to take my
-refusal as some sort of personal insult, for the horse was young, large,
-strong, gentle, and speedy, and the price was right; but every time I
-began to weaken Isobel said, “John, remember number eleven!” and I
-refrained from purchasing that horse. I finally sent the man away with
-warm expressions of my esteem for him as a man, but that did not seem to
-cheer him much.
-</p>
-<p>
-An hour later another man brought another horse, and I sent him away also,
-as was my duty, for he was only number two; but he was hardly gone when
-horse number one appeared again. I saw at once that I was going to have
-trouble with that man. He was so sure he had the horse I wanted that he
-would not go away and stay away. He kept coming back, and each time he
-went away sadder than before. He was a sad-looking man, anyway, and he
-would sit in his buggy and talk to me until another horse was driven up,
-and then he would sigh and drive down to the corner, and sit and look at
-me reproachfully until the other man drove away again. Then he would drive
-back and reproach me, with tears in his eyes, for not buying his horse. By
-lunch time I was almost worn out, and I told Isobel as much when I looked
-out of the window and saw that handsome horse and his sad driver waiting
-patiently at my gate. I told her I was tempted to take that horse, Mrs.
-Rolfs or no Mrs. Rolfs.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Take that horse?” said Isobel, as if my words surprised her. “Why, of
-course we are going to take that horse!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“But, my dear,” I said, “after what you told me about taking the eleventh
-horse?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Certainly,” said Isobel. “What is this but the eleventh horse? It came
-first, and then another horse came, and then this one came third, and then
-some other horse came, and then this one came fifth, and so on, and now it
-is standing there at the gate, the eleventh horse. Certainly we will buy
-this horse.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, “we might quite as well have bought it the first time it
-was driven to our gate as this time.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Not at all,” she said; “that would have been an altogether different
-thing. If we had taken the first horse that was offered we would have
-regretted it all our lives; but now we can take this horse and feel
-perfectly safe.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Bob—that was the name of the horse—fitted into our stable
-pretty well. He had to bend rather sharply in the middle to get out of his
-stall, but he was quite limber for a horse of his age and size, so he
-managed it very well. A stiffer horse might have broken in two or have
-been permanently bent. The stall was so economically built that a large,
-long horse like Bob stuck out of it like a long ship in a short dock; he
-stuck out so far that we had to go around through the carriage room to get
-on the other side of him. Our new Mr. Prawley did not mind this. He was
-willing to spend all the time necessary going from one bit of work to
-another.
-</p>
-<p>
-There was one advantage in having the stable and everything about it on a
-small scale—it lessened the depth of the manure pit. The very first
-night we put Bob in his stall we heard a loud noise in the stable. Isobel
-suggested that we had overfed Bob, and that he had swelled out and pressed
-out the sides of the stable, but I thought it more likely that the
-weather-boarding had slipped loose. I had seen the thoughtful carpenters
-putting that weather-boarding on the stable. But Isobel and I were both
-wrong. Bob had merely dropped into the manure pit.
-</p>
-<p>
-I was glad then that I had chosen a strong horse, for he did not seem to
-mind the drop in the least. He stood there with his front feet in the
-basement, as you might say, and with his rear feet upstairs, quite as if
-that was his usual way of standing. After that he often fell into the
-manure pit, and he always took it good-naturedly. He got so he expected
-it, after awhile, and if his stall floor did not drop once a day, he
-became restless and took no interest in his food. Usually, during the day,
-Bob and Mr. Prawley dropped into the basement together while Mr. Prawley
-was currying Bob, but at night, when we heard Bob calling us in the
-homesick, whinnying tone, and kicking his heels against the side of the
-stable, we knew what he wanted, and to prevent him kicking the stable to
-ruins, we—Isobel and I—would go out and drop him into the
-basement a couple of times. Then he would be satisfied.
-</p>
-<p>
-There was but one thing we feared: Bob might become so fond of having his
-forefeet in the basement and his rear feet upstairs, that he would stand
-no other way, and in course of time his front legs would have to lengthen
-enough to let his head reach his manger, or his neck would have to
-stretch. Either would give him the general appearance of a giraffe. While
-this would be neat for show purposes, it would attract almost too much
-attention in a family horse. I have no doubt this is the way the giraffe
-acquired its peculiar construction, but we were able to avoid it, for we
-awoke one night when Bob made an unaided descent into the manure pit, and
-when we went to aid him we found he had descended at both ends, on account
-of the economical hinges used on the drop floor of the stall of our equine
-palace. Bob showed in every way that he had enjoyed that drop more than
-any drop he had ever taken, but I drew the line there. I had other things
-to do more important than conducting a private Coney Island for a horse.
-If Bob had been a colt I might not have been so stern about it, but I will
-not pamper a staid old family horse by operating shoot-the-chutes and
-loop-the-loops for him at two o'clock in the morning.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, “if that horse is to continue in my stable you may tell
-Mr. Prawley that it is necessary for his health that he sleep in the
-stable-loft hereafter. It will be good exercise for him to get up at
-midnight and pull Bob out of the manure pit.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“This present Mr. Prawley will not do it,” said Isobel. “He has a wife and
-family at East Westcote, and he—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Very well,” I said, “then get another Mr. Prawley!”
- </p>
-<p>
-Of the new Mr. Prawley it is necessary to speak a few words.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-V. THE NEW MR. PRAWLEY
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE new Mr. Prawley (by this time a family, but we still clung to the name
-Prawley, just as all coloured waiters are called “George”) was a most
-unusual man.
-</p>
-<p>
-For a month before we hired him he had been trying to undermine Isobel's
-faith in the Mr. Prawley from East Westcote. He had called at the house
-two or three times a week. At first he merely asked for the job of
-man-of-all-work, as any applicant might have asked for it, but he soon
-began speaking of our Prawley in the most damaging terms. I believe there
-was hardly a crime or misdemeanour that he did not lay at the door of our
-Mr. Prawley, and so insistent was he that Isobel and I had ceased to speak
-of him as living in our attic.
-</p>
-<p>
-Isobel decided the two men must be deadly enemies, and that this fellow
-was set on hounding our Mr. Prawley from pillar to post, like an avenging
-angel. She concluded that this man must have been frightfully wronged by
-our Mr. Prawley, and that he had sworn to dog his footsteps to the grave.
-</p>
-<p>
-But when she let our Mr. Prawley go and hired this new Mr. Prawley, his
-interest in his predecessor ceased entirely. In place of the eager,
-longing look his face had worn, he now wore a thin, satisfied look, which
-I can best describe as that of a hungry jackal licking his chops. Mr.
-Prawley—his name, he told us, was Duggs, Alonzo Duggs, but we called
-him Mr. Prawley—was a tall, lean, villanous-looking fellow, with a
-red, pointed beard, and at times when he leaned on the division fence and
-looked into Mr. Millington's yard I could see his fingers opening and
-shutting like the claws of a bird of prey. He seemed to hate Mr.
-Millington With a deep but hidden hatred, and often, when Mr. Millington
-was preparing to take Isobel and me to Port Lafayette, Mr. Prawley would
-stand and grit his teeth in the most unpleasant manner. When I spoke to
-Mr. Prawley about it he said, “It isn't Mr. Millington. It is the
-automobile. I hate automobiles!”
- </p>
-<p>
-For that matter, I was beginning to hate them myself. Many a pleasant ride
-behind Bob did I have to sacrifice because Millington insisted that we
-take a little run up to Port Lafayette with him and Mrs. Millington. We
-would all get into his car, and Millington would pull his cap down tight,
-and begin to frown and cock his head on one side to hear signs of asthma
-or heart throbs or whatever the automobile might take a notion to have
-that day. And off we would go!
-</p>
-<p>
-I tell you, it was exhilarating. After all there is nothing like motoring.
-We would roll smoothly down the street, with Millington frowning like a
-pirate all the way, and then suddenly he would hear the noise he was
-listening for, and he would stop frowning, and jerk a lever that stopped
-the car, and hop out with a satisfied expression, and begin to whistle,
-and open the car in eight places, and take out an assorted hardware store,
-and adhesive tape, and blankets, and oil cans, and hatchets, and axes, and
-get to work on the car as happy as a babe; and Mrs. Millington and Isobel
-and I would walk home.
-</p>
-<p>
-The sight of an automobile seemed to madden Mr. Prawley, but otherwise he
-was the meekest of men, and a good example of this was the manner in which
-he behaved at our Christmas party.
-</p>
-<p>
-The idea of having a good, old-fashioned Christmas house party for our
-city friends was Isobel's idea, but the moment she mentioned it I adopted
-it, and told her we would have Jimmy Dunn out. Jimmy Dunn is one of those
-rare men that have acquired the suburban-visit habit. Usually when we
-suburbanites invite a city friend to spend the week-end with us, the city
-friend balks.
-</p>
-<p>
-Into his frank eyes comes a furtive, shifty look as he tries to think of
-an adequate lie to serve as an excuse for not coming, but Jimmy was taken
-in hand when he was young and flexible, and he has become meek and docile
-under adversity, as I might say. When any one invites Jimmy to the suburbs
-he hardly makes a struggle. I suppose it is because of the gradual
-weakening of his will power.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Good!” I said. “We will have Jimmy Dunn out over Christmas.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Oh! Jimmy Dunn!” scoffed Isobel gently. “Of course we will have Jimmy,
-but what I mean is to have a lot of people—ten at least—and we
-must have at least two lovers, because they will look so well in that
-little alcove room off the parlour, and we can go in and surprise them
-once in a while. And we will have a Santa Claus, and lots of holly and
-mistletoe, and a tree with all sorts of foolish presents on it for every
-one, and—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Splendid!” I cried less enthusiastically.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Now as for the ten—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Well,” said Isobel, “we will have Jimmy Dunn—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“That is what I suggested,” I said meekly. “We will have Jimmy Dunn,”
- repeated Isobel, “and then we will have—we will have—I wonder
-who we could get to come out. Mary might come, if she wasn't in Europe.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“That would make two,” I said cheerfully, “if she wasn't in Europe.” “And
-we must have a Yule-log!” exclaimed Isobel. “A big, blazing Yule-log, to
-drink wassail in front of, and to sing carols around.” I told Isobel that,
-as nearly as I could judge, the fireplaces in our house had not been
-constructed for big, blazing Yule-logs. I reminded her that when I had
-spoken to the last owner about having a grate fire he had advised us, with
-great excitement, not to attempt anything so rash. He had said that if we
-were careful we might have a gas-log, provided it was a small one and we
-did not turn on the gas full force, and were sure our insurance was placed
-in a good, reliable company. He had said that if we were careful about
-those few things, and kept a pail of water on the roof in case of
-emergency, we might use a gas-log, provided we extinguished it as soon as
-we felt any heat coming from it. I had not, at the time, thought of
-mentioning a Yule-log to him, but I told Isobel now that perhaps we might
-be able to find a small, gas-burning Yule-log at the gas company's office.
-Isobel scoffed at the idea. She said we might as well put a hot-water
-bottle in the grate and try to be merry around that.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I don't see,” she said, “why people build chimneys in houses if it is
-going to be dangerous to have a fire in the fireplace.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“They improve the ventilation, I suppose,” I said, “and then, what would
-Santa Claus come down if there were no chimneys?”
- </p>
-<p>
-I frequently drop these half-joking remarks into my conversations with
-Isobel, and not infrequently she smiles at them in a faraway manner, but
-this time she jumped at the remark and seized it with both hands.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John!” she cried, “that is the very, very thing! We will have Santa Claus
-come down the chimney! And you will be Santa Claus!” I remained calm. Some
-men would have immediately remembered they had prior engagements for
-Christmas. Some men would have instantly declared that Santa Claus was an
-unworthy myth. But not I! I dropped upon my hands and knees and gazed up
-the chimney. When I withdrew my head, I stood up and grasped Isobel's
-hand.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Fine!” I cried with well-simulated enthusiasm. “I'll get an automobile
-coat from Millington, and sleigh bells and a mask with a long white beard—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“And a wig with long white hair,” Isobel added joyously.
-</p>
-<p>
-“And while our guests are all at dinner,” I cried, “I will steal away from
-the table—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“John!” exclaimed Isobel. “You can't be Santa Claus! Can't you see that it
-would never, never do for you to leave the table when your guests were all
-there? You cannot be Santa Claus, John!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Oh, Isobel!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“No,” she said firmly, “you cannot be Santa Claus. Jimmy Dunn must be
-Santa Claus!”
- </p>
-<p>
-We had Jimmy Dunn out the next Sunday and broke it to him as gently as we
-could, and explained what a lot of fun it would be for him, and how I
-envied him the chance. For some reason he did not become wildly
-enthusiastic. Instead he kneeled down, as I had done, and put his head
-into the fireplace, in his usual slow-going manner, and looked up to where
-the small oblong of blue sky glowed far, far above him.
-</p>
-<p>
-When he withdrew his head, he began some maundering talk about, an uncle
-of his in Baltimore who was far from well, and who was likely to be
-extremely dead or sick or married about Christmas time, but I had had too
-much experience with such excuses to pay any attention to him. Isobel and
-I gathered about him and talked as fast as we could, with merry little
-laughs, and presently Jimmy seemed more resigned, and said he supposed if
-he had to be Santa Claus there was no way out of it if he wanted t o keep
-our friendship. So when he suggested getting an automobile coat to wear,
-we hailed it as a splendidly original idea, and patted him on the back,
-and he went away in a rather good humour, particularly when we told him he
-need not come all the way down from the top of the chimney, but could get
-into the chimney from the room above the parlour. I told him it would be
-no trouble at all to take out the iron back of the fireplace, for it was
-almost falling out, and that we would have a ladder in the chimney for him
-to come down.
-</p>
-<p>
-It was Mrs. Rolfs who changed our plans.
-</p>
-<p>
-As soon as she heard we were going to have a Santa Claus, she brought over
-a magazine and showed Isobel an article that said Santa Claus was lacking
-in originality, and that it was much better to have two little girls
-dressed as snow fairies distribute the presents from the tree, and Mrs.
-Rolfs said she was willing to lend us her two daughters, if we insisted.
-So we had to insist.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/99.png" alt="99" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-By the merest oversight, such as might occur in any family excited over
-the preparations for a Christmas party, Isobel forgot to tell Jimmy Dunn
-that the plan was changed. She had enough to think of without thinking of
-that, for she found, at the last moment, that she could not pick up a
-regularly constituted pair of lovers for the little alcove room, and she
-had to patch up a temporary pair of lovers by inviting Miss Seiler,
-depending on Jimmy Dunn to do the best he could as the other half of the
-pair. Of course Jimmy Dunn does not talk much, and it was apt to be a
-surprise to him to learn he was scheduled to make love, but Miss Seiler
-talks enough for two. When Jimmy arrived, about four o'clock Christmas
-eve, Isobel let him know he was to be a lover, but he was then in the
-house, and it was too late for him to get away.
-</p>
-<p>
-Isobel had done nobly in securing guests. Jimmy and Miss Seiler were the
-only guests from the city, but she had captured some suburbanites. Ten of
-us made merry at the table—that is, all ten except Jimmy. I was
-positively ashamed of Jimmy. There we were at the culminating hours of the
-merry Yule-tide, gathered at the festive board itself, with a bowl of
-first-rate home-made wassail with ice in it, and Jimmy was expected to
-smile lovingly, and blush, and all that sort of thing, and what did he do?
-He sat as mute as a clam, and started uneasily every time a new course
-appeared. Before dessert arrived he actually arose and asked to be
-excused.
-</p>
-<p>
-Now, if <i>you</i> intended making a fool of yourself in a friend's house
-by impersonating Santa Claus and coming down a chimney in a fur automobile
-coat, and nonsense like that, <i>you</i> would have sense enough to
-remember which room upstairs had the chimney that led down into the
-parlour fireplace, wouldn't you? So I blame Jimmy entirely, and so does
-Isobel. Jimmy says—of course he had to have some excuse—that
-we might have told him we had given up the idea of having Santa Claus come
-down the chimney, and that if we had wanted him to come down any
-particular chimney we should have put a label on it. “Santa Claus enter
-here,” I suppose.
-</p>
-<p>
-Jimmy said he did the best he could; that he knew he did not have much
-time between the threatened appearance of the dessert and the time he was
-supposed to issue from the fireplace—and so on! He was quite excited
-about it. Quite bitter, I may say.
-</p>
-<p>
-It seems—or so Jimmy says—that, when he left the table, Jimmy
-went upstairs and got into his automobile coat of fur, and his felt boots,
-and his mask, and his fur gloves, and his long white hair, and his
-stocking hat, and that about the time we were sipping coffee he was ready.
-He says it was no joke to be done up in all those things in an overheated
-house, and he thought if he got into the chimney he might be in a cool
-draught, so he poked about until he found a fireplace and backed carefully
-into it, and pawed with his left foot for the top rung of the ladder. That
-was about the time we arose from the table with merry laughs, as nearly as
-Isobel and I can judge.
-</p>
-<p>
-No one missed Jimmy, except Miss Seiler, and she was so unused to being
-made love to as Jimmy made love that she thought nothing of a temporary
-absence. It was not until I took Jimmy's present from the tree and sent
-one of the Rolfs fairies to hand it to Jimmy that we realized he was not
-in the parlour, and then Isobel and I both felt hurt to think that Jimmy
-had selfishly withdrawn from among us when we had gone to all the trouble
-of getting the other half of a pair of lovers especially on his account.
-It was not fair to Miss Seiler, and I told Jimmy so the next time I saw
-him.
-</p>
-<p>
-When the Rolfs fairy had looked in all the rooms, upstairs and down, and
-had not found Jimmy, she came back and told Isobel, and that was when
-Isobel remembered she had forgotten to tell Jimmy we had given up the idea
-of having a Santa Claus. Isobel looked up the parlour chimney, but he was
-not there, and then we all started merrily looking up chimneys. We found
-Santa Claus up the library chimney almost immediately. He was still
-kicking, but not with much vim—more like a man that is kicking
-because he has nothing else to do than like a man that enjoys it.
-</p>
-<p>
-I think we must have been gathering around the Christmas tree to the
-cheery music of a carol when Santa Claus put his foot on a loose brick in
-the fireplace and slipped. I claim that if Santa Claus had instantly
-thrown his body forward he would have been safe enough, but Santa Claus
-says he did not have time—that he slid down the chimney immediately,
-as far as his arms would let him. He says that when he caught the edge of
-the hearth with his hands he did yell; that he yelled as loud as any man
-could who was wrapped in a fur coat and had his mouth full of white
-horse-hair whiskers and his face covered by a mask. I say that proves he
-yelled just as we were singing the carol. He should have yelled a moment
-sooner, or should have waited half an hour, until the noise in the parlour
-abated. Santa Claus says he tried to stay there half an hour, but the two
-bricks he had grasped did not want to wait. They wanted to hurry down the
-chimney without further delay, and they had their own way about it. So
-Santa Claus went on down with them.
-</p>
-<p>
-I tell Santa Claus that even if we were singing carols we would have heard
-him if he had fallen to the library floor with a bump, and that it was his
-fault if he did not fall heavily, but he blames the architect. He says
-that if the chimney had been built large enough he would have done his
-part and would have fallen hard, but that when he reached the narrow part
-of the chimney he wedged there. I said that was the fault of wearing an
-automobile coat that padded him out so he could not fall through an
-ordinary chimney, and I asked him if he thought any man who meant to fall
-down chimneys had ever before put on an automobile coat to fall in.
-</p>
-<p>
-Certainly I, the host, could not be expected to stop the laughter and
-merriment when I was taking presents from the tree, and bid every one be
-silent and listen for the muffled tones of a Santa Claus in the library
-chimney. I do not say Santa Claus did not yell as loudly as he could.
-Doubtless he did. And I do not say he did not try to get out of the
-chimney. He says he did, but that with his arms crowded above his head he
-could do nothing but reach. He says he also kicked, but there was nothing
-to kick. He says the most fruitless task in the world is to kick when
-wedged in a chimney with a whole fur automobile coat crowded up under the
-arms and nothing below to kick but air.
-</p>
-<p>
-Luckily I was able to send for Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington, whose advice
-is always valuable, since when I know what they advise I know what not to
-do. Mr. Rolfs rushed in and was of the opinion that we must get a chisel
-and chisel a hole in the library wall as near as possible to where Santa
-Claus was reposing, but when Mr. Millington arrived, breathless, he said
-this would be simple murder, for as likely as not the chisel would enter
-between two bricks and perforate Santa Claus beyond repair. Mr. Millington
-said the thing to do was to get a clothesline and attach it to Santa
-Claus's feet and pull him down. He said it was logical to pull him
-downward, because we would then be aided by the law of gravitation. Mr.
-Rolfs said this was nonsense, and that it would only wedge Santa Claus in
-the chimney more tightly, and that we would, in all probability, pull him
-in two, or at least stretch him out so long that he would never be very
-useful again.
-</p>
-<p>
-Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington became quite heated in their argument. Mr.
-Rolfs said that if a rope was to be used it should be used to pull Santa
-Claus upward, but they compromised by agreeing to cut the clothesline in
-two, choose up sides, and let one side pull Santa Claus upward, while the
-other pulled him downward. Then Santa Claus would move in the direction of
-least resistance. So they got the clothesline, and Mr. Rolfs was about to
-cut it, when Miss Seiler screamed.
-</p>
-<p>
-I was doubly glad she screamed just at that juncture, for we had all
-become so interested in the Rolfs-Millington controversy that we had
-forgotten how perishable a human being is, and, with two such stubborn men
-as Rolfs and Millington urging us on, we might have pulled Santa Claus in
-two while our sporting instincts were aroused by the tug-of-war. That was
-one reason I was glad Miss Seiler screamed. The other reason was that it
-showed she was doing her share of representing one half of a pair of
-lovers. She had done rather poorly up to that time, but she saw that when
-her lover was about to be pulled asunder was the time to scream, if she
-was ever going to scream, so she screamed. So we all went upstairs and let
-the rope down to Santa Claus, and the entire merry Christmas house party
-pulled, and after we had jerked a few times up came Santa Claus with a
-sudden bump.
-</p>
-<p>
-At that moment Miss Seiler screamed again, and when we turned we saw the
-reason, for the glass door to the little upper porch had opened and Jimmy
-Dunn was entering the room.
-</p>
-<p>
-We laid Santa Claus on the floor and let him kick, for he seemed to have
-acquired the habit, but after awhile he slowed down and only jerked his
-legs spasmodically. Mr. Millington explained that it was only the reflex
-action of the muscles, and that probably Santa Claus would kick like that
-for several months, whenever he lay down. He said if we had followed his
-advice and pulled downward we would have yanked all the reflex action out
-of the legs.
-</p>
-<p>
-As soon as I pulled the mask from his face I recognized Mr. Prawley. Jimmy
-slipped out of the room and walked all the way to the station, and Miss
-Seiler stood around, not knowing whether she was to be half of a pair of
-lovers with Mr. Prawley as the other half, or stop being a lover, or weep
-because Jimmy had gone. I felt sorry for her, because Mr. Prawley was not
-a good specimen of a Christmas lover just then. When we stood him on his
-feet his trousers were still pushed up around his knees, and his fur coat
-was around his neck. He was so weak we had to hold him up.
-</p>
-<p>
-“What I want to know,” said Mr. Millington, “is what you were doing in
-that chimney in my automobile coat?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Doing?” said Mr. Prawley. “Why, I'm jolly old Santa Claus. I come down
-chimneys.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Well, my advice to you, Mr. Prawley,” I said, “is to stop it. You don't
-do it at all right. Don't try it again. I've had enough of this jolly old
-Santa Claus business. Who told you to do it?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“The little gentleman with the scared look,” said Mr. Prawley, looking
-around for Jimmy Dunn. “He isn't here.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“And what did he give you for doing it?” I asked.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Nothing!” said Mr. Prawley. “He just—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Just what?” I asked when he hesitated. Mr. Prawley drew me to one side
-and whispered.
-</p>
-<p>
-“He said I might wear an automobile coat. And I couldn't resist the
-temptation,” said Mr. Prawley. “I've been hankering to get inside an
-automobile coat for weeks and weeks, sir. I couldn't resist.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Of course, I could make nothing of this at the time, so I merely said a
-few words of good advice, and ordered Mr. Prawley never to try the Santa
-Claus impersonation again.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Of course, I'm only an amateur at it,” said Mr. Prawley apologetically,
-and then he brightened, “but I made good speed as far as I got. I'll bet I
-broke the world's speed record for jolly old Santa Clauses!”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-VI. THE SPECKLED HEN
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>N order to relieve the reader's suspense, I may as well say here that
-Jimmy Dunn did not marry Miss Seiler. It is too bad to have to sacrifice
-what promised to be a first-class love interest, but the truth is that
-there is less chance of Jimmy ever marrying Miss Seiler than there seemed
-likelihood of Isobel and me reaching Port Lafayette in Mr. Millington's
-automobile.
-</p>
-<p>
-Usually when we started for Port Lafayette, my wife and Millington's wife
-would dress for the matinée or church, or wherever they intended going
-that day, and when Millington heard the knocking sound in his engine and
-began to get out his tools, they would excuse themselves politely and go
-and spend the day in the city. They usually returned in time to get into
-the car and ride back to the garage. But I stuck to Millington. You never
-can tell when a car of that kind will be ready to start up, and I was
-really very anxious to go to Port Lafayette. I spent some very delightful
-days with Millington that way, for when he was mending his car he was
-always in a charming humour, and as gay and playful as a kitten.
-</p>
-<p>
-I began to fear that one, if not the only, reason why Mr. Millington was
-always in such a good humour when his car was in a bad one, was because I
-had told him that I had heard of a man in Port Lafayette who had a fine
-farm of White Wyandotte chickens, and that I thought I might buy some for
-my place. Millington does not believe in Wyandottes. He is all for
-Orpingtons.
-</p>
-<p>
-It is remarkable how many wives object to chickens. I do not blame Isobel
-for not liking chickens, for she was born in a flat, and I am willing to
-make allowances for her lack of education; but why Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs.
-Millington should dislike chickens was beyond my comprehension. Both were
-born in the suburbs, and grew up in a real chickenish atmosphere, and
-still they do not keep chickens. I must say, however, that Mr. Rolfs and
-Mr. Millington are persons of greater intelligence. Almost the first day I
-moved into the suburb of Westcote, Mr. Rolfs leaned over the division
-fence and complimented me on my foresight in purchasing such an admirable
-place on which to raise chickens. He told me that if I needed any advice
-about chickens he would be glad to supply me with all I wished, just as a
-neighbourly matter. He seemed to take it as a matter of course that I
-would arrange for a lot of chickens as soon as I was fairly settled on the
-place, and in this he was seconded by Mr. Millington.
-</p>
-<p>
-When Mr. Millington saw Mr. Rolfs talking to me, he came right over and
-said that, while he hated to boast, he had studied chickens from A to
-Gizzard, and that when I was ready to get my chickens he could give me
-some suggestions that would be simply invaluable. We talked the chicken
-matter over very thoroughly, and I soon saw that they were men of
-knowledge and deep experience in chicken matters, and when they had
-decided that I would keep chickens, and what kind of chickens, and where I
-should build the coop, and what kind of coop I should build, we all shook
-hands warmly, and I went around front to tell Isobel. I was very
-enthusiastic about chickens when I went.
-</p>
-<p>
-After I had interviewed Isobel for three minutes I learned, definitely,
-that I was not going to keep chickens. There were a great many things Mr.
-Rolfs and Mr. Millington had not said about chickens, and those were the
-very things Isobel told me, and they were all reasons for not having
-chickens on the place at all. She also threw in an opinion of Mr. Rolfs
-and Mr. Millington. It seemed that they were two villains of the most
-depraved sort, who did not dare keep chickens themselves because they were
-afraid of their wives, and who were trying to steal a vicarious joy by
-bossing my chickens when I got them, but that I was not going to get any.
-Absolutely!
-</p>
-<p>
-Of course, I always do what Isobel tells me, and when she told me I was
-not going to have chickens, I obeyed. But I merely told Mr. Rolfs and Mr.
-Millington when they came over the next day, that I had been thinking the
-matter over and that I was doubtful whether the south corner or the north
-corner would be the best place for the coop. So we three went and looked
-over the ground again. Both favoured the north corner, so I hung back and
-seemed undecided and doubtful, and finally, in a week or two, they agreed
-with me.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/123.png" alt="123" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-I never saw two men so anxious to have a neighbour keep chickens. They
-were willing to let me have almost everything my own way. It was quite a
-strain on me, for I had to think of a new objection to their plans every
-day or so, but I could see the suspense was harder on Mr. Rolfs and Mr.
-Millington. Every morning they came and hung over my fence wistfully, and
-every evening they came over and talked chickens, and on the train to town
-they spoke freely of the chickens they were going to keep. In a month they
-were talking of the chickens they <i>were</i> keeping, and bragging about
-them; and old-seasoned chicken raisers used to hunt them up and sit with
-them and ask for information on knotty points.
-</p>
-<p>
-Toward fall Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington were beginning to talk about the
-large sums of money they were making out of their chickens, and promising
-settings of their White Orpington and White Wyandotte eggs to the
-commuters, and they began to be really annoying. They would stand at the
-fence, hollow-eyed and hungry-looking, staring into my yard, and when I
-passed they would make slighting remarks about me and the lack of decision
-in my character. They said sneeringly that they did not believe I would
-ever get any chickens.
-</p>
-<p>
-“You, Millington, and you, Rolfs,” I said firmly, “should remember one
-thing: I am the man who is getting these chickens, and the main thing in
-raising chickens is to start right. I do not want to go into this thing
-hastily and then regret it all my life. If you do not like my way, all you
-have to do is to build coops yourselves and buy chickens and raise them
-yourselves. Be patient. Every day I am learning more about chickens from
-your conversations on the train, and when I do get my chickens you will
-find I have profited by your suggestions.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Millington and Rolfs had to be satisfied with that, so far as I was
-concerned, for although I spoke to Isobel frequently on the subject of
-chickens she had not changed. I silenced Millington by telling him I would
-have chickens long before he ever succeeded in taking Isobel and me to
-Port Lafayette in his automobile.
-</p>
-<p>
-“If that is all you are waiting for,” he said, “we will start to-morrow,”
- and so we did; but that was all.
-</p>
-<p>
-Millington and Rolfs, during the winter, worked off some of their surplus
-chicken energy writing letters to the poultry periodicals. My friends in
-town began asking me why I did not keep chickens when I lived near to such
-chicken experts as Rolfs and Millington, by whose experience I could
-profit; but the worst came one day on the train when Rolfs actually had
-the assurance to offer me a setting of his White Wyandotte eggs. I blame
-Rolfs and Millington for acting in this way. No man should brag about
-chickens he has not; I only bragged about those I meant to get.
-</p>
-<p>
-By the time spring put forth her tender leaves, Rolfs and Millington were
-so deep in their imaginary chicken business that they talked nothing else,
-and all their spare time was spent in my yard, urging me to hurry a little
-and get the chickens.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I wish you would hurry a bit in getting those chickens of mine,”
- Millington would say; “I ought to have at least ten hens sitting by this
-time.” And then Rolfs would say: “He is right about that. Unless you get
-my White Wyandottes soon, the chicks will not be hatched out before cold
-weather. I ought to have the hens on the eggs now.” Occasionally I
-mentioned chickens in an off-hand way to Isobel, but she had not changed
-her views.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Now, Isobel,” I would say, “about chickens—”
- </p>
-<p>
-At the word “chickens” Isobel would look at me reproachfully, and I would
-end meekly: “About chickens, as I was saying. Don't you think we could
-have a pair of broilers to-morrow?”
- </p>
-<p>
-As a matter of fact, this happened so often that I began to hate the sight
-of a broiled chicken, and was forced to mention roast chicken once in a
-while. It was after one of these times that the event happened that
-stirred all Westcote.
-</p>
-<p>
-I had reached a point where I dodged Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington when I
-saw them, in order to avoid their insistent clamour for chickens, when one
-evening Isobel met me at the door with a smile.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John!” she cried. “What do you think! Our chicken laid an egg!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Chicken?” I asked anxiously. “Did you say chicken?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“And I am going to give you the egg for dinner,” cried Isobel joyfully.
-“Just think, John! Our own egg, laid by our own chicken! Do you want it
-fried, or boiled, or scrambled?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I demanded, “what is the meaning of all this?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I just could not kill the hen,” Isobel ran on, “after it had been so—so
-friendly. Could I? I felt as if I would be killing one of the family.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“People do get to feeling that way about chickens when they keep them,” I
-said insinuatingly. “Why, Isobel, I have known wives to love chickens so
-warmly—wives that had never cared a snap for chickens before—wives
-that hated chickens—and they grew to love chickens so well that as
-soon as the coop was made—of course it was a nice, clean, airy coop,
-Isobel—and the dear little fluffy chicks began to peep about—”
- </p>
-<p>
-Isobel stiffened.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” she said finally “you are not going to keep chickens!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Certainly not!” I agreed hastily.
-</p>
-<p>
-“But of course we can't kill Spotty,” said Isobel. “I call her Spotty
-because that seems such a perfect name for her. I telephoned for a roaster
-this morning, because you suggested having a roaster for dinner, John, and
-when the roaster came it was a <i>live</i> chicken! Imagine!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Horrors!” I exclaimed.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I should think so!” agreed Isobel. “So there was nothing to do but 'phone
-the grocer to come and get the live roaster, but when I 'phoned, his
-grandmother was much worse, and the store was closed until she got better—or
-worse—and I couldn't bear to see the poor thing in the basket with
-its legs tied all that time, for there is no telling how long an old
-person like a grandmother will remain in the same condition, so I loosened
-the roaster in the cellar, and at a quarter past four I heard it cluck. It
-had laid an egg. I knew that the moment I heard it cluck.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, “you were born to be the wife of a chicken fancier! You
-shall eat that egg!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“No, John,” she said, “you shall eat it. It is our first real egg, laid by
-our dear little Spotty, and you shall eat it.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“No, Isobel,” I began, and then, as I saw how determined she was, I
-compromised. “Let us have the egg scrambled,” I said, “and each of us eat
-a part.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Very well,” said Isobel, “if you will promise not to kill Spotty. We will
-keep her forever and forever!”
- </p>
-<p>
-I agreed. Isobel kissed me for that.
-</p>
-<p>
-After we had eaten the egg—and both Isobel and I agreed that it was
-really a superior egg—we went down cellar and looked at Spotty. I
-should say she was a very intelligent-looking hen, but homely. There was
-nothing flashy about her. She was the kind of hen a man might enter in the
-Sweepstakes class, and not get a prize, and then enter in the Consolation
-class and not get a prize, and then enter for the Booby prize and still be
-outclassed, and then enter in the Plain Old Barnyard Fowl class and not
-get within ten miles of a prize, and then be taken to the butcher as a
-Boarding House Broiler, and be refused on account of age, tough looks, and
-emaciation.
-</p>
-<p>
-She was no pampered darling of the hen house, but a plain old
-Survival-of-the-Fittest Squawker; the kind of hen that along about the
-first of May begins clucking in a vexed tone of voice, flies over the top
-of a two-story bam, and wanders off somewhere into the tall grass back of
-the cow pasture, to appear some weeks later with twelve chicks of twelve
-assorted patterns, ranging from Shanghai-bantam to plain yellow
-nondescript. She was a good, durable hen of the old school, with a wary,
-startled eye, an extra loud squawk, and a brain the size of a grain of
-salt.
-</p>
-<p>
-Spotty was the sort of hen that could go right along day after day without
-steam heat or elevators in her coop and manage to make a living. As soon
-as I saw her, my heart swelled with pride, for I knew I had secured a very
-rare variety of hen. Since every man that can tell a chicken from an
-ostrich—and some that can't—has become a chicken fancier, the
-aristocratic, raised-by-hand, pedigree fowl has become as common as dirt,
-and it is indeed difficult to secure a genuine mongrel hen. I was elated.
-As nearly as I could judge by first appearances, I was the owner of one of
-the most mongrel hens that ever laid a plain, omelette-quality egg.
-</p>
-<p>
-When I had made a coop by nailing a few slats across the front of a soap
-box, and had nailed Spotty in, I took the coop under my arm and went into
-the back yard. Mr. Millington was there, and Mr. Rolfs was there, and they
-were arguing angrily about the respective merits of White Wyandottes and
-White Orpingtons, but when they saw me they uttered two loud cries of joy
-and ran to meet me. I tried to cling to the coop, but they wrested it from
-me and together carried it in triumph to the north corner and set it on
-the grass. Mr. Millington pulled his compass from his pocket and set the
-coop exactly as advised by “The Complete Poultry Guide,” with the bars
-facing the morning sun, and Rolfs hurried into the back lot and hunted up
-a piece of bone, which he crushed with a brick and placed in the coop, as
-advised by “The Gentleman Poultry Fancier.” He told us that a supply of
-bone was most necessary if he expected his hen to lay eggs, and that he
-knew this hen of his was going to be a great layer. He said he had given
-the egg question years of study, and that he could tell a good egger when
-he saw one.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/135.png" alt="135" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-Millington told me his coop was not as he had meant it to be, but said it
-would do until he could get one built according to scientific poultry
-principles. He pointed out that the poultry coop should be heated by
-steam, and showed me that there was no room in the soap box for a steam
-heating plant. He said he would not trust his flock of chickens through
-the winter unless there was steam heating installed.
-</p>
-<p>
-Then Rolfs and Millington said they guessed the first thing to do, as it
-was so late in the season, was to set their hen immediately, and as it
-would probably take Spotty thirteen days to lay enough eggs, they told me
-to run down to the delicatessen store and buy thirteen eggs, while they
-arranged a scientific nest in the corner of their coop, for sitting
-purposes. When I suggested that perhaps Spotty was not ready to set, they
-laughed at me. They said they could see I would never make a prosperous
-chicken farmer if I put off until to-morrow what the hen ought to do
-to-day, and that a hen that ought to set, and would not set, must be made
-to set. Millington said that he did not mind if Spotty wanted to lay. If
-she felt so, she could go ahead and lay while she was taking her little
-rests between sets. He said that in that way she would be doubly useful
-and that, judging by appearances, she was the kind of hen that could do
-two or three things at the same time.
-</p>
-<p>
-Mr. Prawley, when he saw we were going to keep our hen, came out and spoke
-to Mr. Millington, Mr. Rolfs, and me. He said he had an aversion to hens,
-but that if I insisted he would devote some of his time to the hen, but
-Mr. Millington, Mr. Rolfs, and I assured him we would not need his help.
-We felt that the three of us, with occasional aid from Isobel, could
-manage that hen.
-</p>
-<p>
-The next day Mr. Millington and Mr. Rolfs were so swelled with pride that
-they would not speak to me on the train. Millington did not ask me, that
-entire day, to take a little run up to Port Lafayette in his automobile. I
-heard him tell one man on the train to town that he had just set his
-eighteen prize White Orpingtons, and I heard Rolfs tell another man, at
-the same time, about a coop he had just had made for his White Wyandottes.
-He drew a sketch of it on the back of an envelope, showing the location of
-the heating plant, the location of the gasoline brooders, and the battery
-of eight electric incubators. He said he saw but one mistake he had made,
-which was that he had had a gravel roof put on. It should have been slate.
-He was afraid the hens would fly up onto the roof and eat the gravel for
-digestive purposes, and if a lot of tarry gravel got in their craws and
-stuck together in a lump, his hens would suffer from indigestion. But he
-said he meant to have the gravel roof taken off at once, regardless of
-cost, but he had not quite decided on a slate roof. One of the slates
-might become loosened and fall and kill one of his prize White Wyandottes,
-which he held at seventy-five dollars each. If he could avoid the tar
-trouble, Rolfs said, he ought to have twelve hundred laying hens by the
-end of the summer, besides the broilers he would sell. He said he was
-going straight to a distinguished chemist when he reached town to learn if
-there was any dissolvent that would dissolve tar in a chicken's craw,
-without harming the craw.
-</p>
-<p>
-Then Millington drew a sketch of the automatic heat regulator he was
-having made to attach to his heating apparatus. He said that ever since he
-had been keeping poultry he had made a study of coop heating, and that the
-trouble with most coops was that they were either too hot or too cold. He
-said a cold coop meant that the chickens got chilly and exhausted their
-vitality growing thick feathers when all their strength should have been
-used in egg-laying, and that a hot coop meant that the chickens felt lax
-and indolent. A hot coop enervated a chicken and made it too lazy to lay
-eggs, Millington said, but this regulator he was having made would keep
-the heat at an even temperature, summer and winter, and render the hens
-bright and cheerful and inclined to do their best. Millington explained
-that this was especially necessary with White Orpingtons, which are great
-eaters and consequently more inclined toward nervous dyspepsia, which
-makes a hen moody. He was going on in this way, and every one was hanging
-on his words, when he happened to say that one thing he always attended to
-most particularly was the state of his hens' teeth. He said he had, so
-far, avoided dyspepsia in his hens, by keeping their teeth in good
-condition. Every one knew poor teeth caused stomach troubles.
-</p>
-<p>
-That was the end of Millington. Rolfs had been green with jealousy because
-so many commuters were listening to Millington, and the moment Millington
-mentioned teeth Rolfs sneered.
-</p>
-<p>
-“How many teeth do White Orpingtons have, Millington?” he asked.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I did not know they had any.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Then Millington saw his mistake, and did his best to explain that as a
-rule chickens had no teeth, but that he had, by a process of selection,
-created a strain that had eighteen teeth, nine above and nine below, but
-no one believed him, and Rolfs was crowing over him when he made his
-mistake. He was bragging that he never made a mistake of that kind,
-because he knew hens never got indigestion in any such way. All that was
-necessary he said, was to let them have plenty of exercise, and to let
-them out once in a while for a good fly. He said he let his hens out once
-every three days, so they could fly from tree to tree.
-</p>
-<p>
-Then Millington asked, sneeringly, how high his hens could fly, and Rolfs
-said they were in such good condition they thought nothing of flying to
-the top of a forty-foot elm tree, and Millington sneered and said any one
-could guess what kind of White Wyandottes Rolfs had, when a common White
-Wyandotte is so heavy it cannot fly over a rake handle. That was the end
-of Rolfs, and I was glad of it, for the two of them had been getting
-enough reputation on the strength of my chickens. They sneaked out of the
-smoking car, and at last I had a chance to say a few words, modestly of
-course, about my splendid group of six hundred Buff Leghorns. I did not
-brag, as Millington and Rolfs had bragged, but stated facts coldly and
-calmly, and my words met the attention they deserved, for I was not
-speaking without knowledge, as Millington and Rolfs had spoken, but as a
-man who owns a hen can speak.
-</p>
-<p>
-I reached home that evening in a pleasant state of mind, for I knew how
-kind hearted Isobel is, and I knew she would see, if I placed it before
-her, that it was extremely cruel to keep a hen in solitary confinement,
-when the hen had probably been accustomed to a great deal of society. I
-felt sure that in a few days Isobel would order me to purchase enough more
-poultry to allow Spotty to lead a pleasant and sociable life. But when
-Isobel met me at the gate she disheartened me.
-</p>
-<p>
-She said the grocer's grandmother had not been seriously ill, after all;
-she had been in a mere comatose condition, and had come to, and the grocer
-had come back, and he had called and taken Spotty. He offered to kill her—Spotty,
-not Isobel or his grandmother—but Isobel could not bear to eat
-Spotty so soon after she had been a member of our family, so the grocer
-took Spotty away and sent up another roaster. At least he said it was
-another, but after I had carved it I had my doubts. In general strength
-and durability the roaster and Spotty were one.
-</p>
-<p>
-The next morning, when I went out to see if Mr. Prawley had hoed the
-garden properly, I found Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington leaning over my
-fence. They were unabashed.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I have just been looking over your place,” said Rolfs, “and I must say it
-is a most admirably located place on which to keep a cow. And if you want
-any suggestions on cow-keeping, you may call on me at any time. I have
-studied the cow, in all her moods and tenses, for years.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Nonsense!” said Millington. “A man is foolish to try to keep live stock.
-Live stock is subject to all the ills—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Such as toothache!” sneered Rolfs.
-</p>
-<p>
-“All the ills of man and beast,” continued Millington. “What you want is
-an automobile. Now I will sell mine—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“No!” I said positively.
-</p>
-<p>
-“You only say that because you do not know my automobile as I know it,”
- said Millington. “It is a wonder, that machine is. Now, I propose that
-to-morrow you and your wife take a little run up to Port Lafayette with me
-and my wife. After the cares of chicken raising—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Very well, Millington,” I said, “we will go to Port Lafayette!”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-VII. CHESTERFIELD WHITING
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE next morning Millington came over bright and early, and his face was
-aglow with joy.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Get ready as quickly as you can,” he said, “for I will be ready to start
-for Port Lafayette in a few minutes. The automobile is in perfect order,
-and we should have a splendid trip. She isn't knocking at all.” This
-knocking, which was located in the motor-case, or hood, was one of the
-most reliable noises of all those for which Millington listened when he
-started the engine of his automobile. He was very fond of it, and it was
-one of the heartiest knockings I ever heard in an automobile. It was like
-the hiccoughs, only more strenuous. It was as if a giant had been shut in
-the motor by mistake and was trying to knock the whole affair to pieces.
-The knock came about every eight seconds, lightly at first, getting
-stronger and stronger until it made the fore-end of the automobile bounce
-up a foot or eighteen inches at each knock.
-</p>
-<p>
-Millington loved all the sounds of trouble, but this knocking gave him the
-most pleasure and put him in his pleasantest mood, for he could never
-quite discover the cause of it. When everything else was in perfect order
-the knock remained. He would do everything any man could think of to cure
-it, but the machine would continue to knock. I remember he even went so
-far as to put a new inner tube in a tire once, to see if that would have
-any effect, but it did not. But there were plenty of other noises, too.
-Millington once told me he had classified and scheduled four hundred and
-eighteen separate noises of disorder that he had heard in that one
-automobile, and that did not include any that might be another noise for
-the same disorders. And some days he would hear the whole four hundred and
-eighteen before we had gone a block. Those were his happy days.
-</p>
-<p>
-But this morning Millington came over bright and early. Isobel was just
-putting a cake in the oven, and she only took time to tell Jane, or
-Sophie, or whoever happened to be our maid that week, that she would be
-back in time to take the cake out, and then we went over to Millington's
-garage.
-</p>
-<p>
-Mrs. Millington, was already in the automobile, and Isobel and I got in,
-and Millington opened the throttle and the machine ran down the road to
-the street as lightly and skimmingly as a swallow. It glided into the
-street noiselessly and headed for Port Lafayette like a thing alive. I
-noticed that Millington looked anxious, but I thought nothing of it at the
-time. His brow was drawn into a frown, and from moment to moment he pulled
-his cap farther and farther down over his eyes. He leaned far over the
-side of the car. He listened so closely that his ears twitched.
-</p>
-<p>
-Mrs. Millington and Isobel were chatting merrily on the rear seat, and I
-was just turning to cast them a word, when the car came to a stop. I
-turned to Milllington instantly, ready to catch the pleasant bit of humour
-he usually let fall when he began to dig out his wrenches and pliers, but
-his face wore a glare of anger. His jaws were set, and he was muttering
-low, intense curses. I have seldom seen a man more demoniacal than
-Millington was at that moment. I asked him, merrily, what was the matter
-with the old junk shop this time, but instead of his usual chipper
-repartee, that “the old tea kettle has the epizootic,” he gave me one
-ferocious glance in which murder was plainly to be seen.
-</p>
-<p>
-Without a word he began walking around the automobile, eyeing it
-maliciously, and every time he passed a tire he kicked it as hard as he
-could. Then he began opening all the opening parts, and when he had opened
-them all and had peered into them long and angrily he went over to the
-curb and sat down and swore. Isobel and Mrs. Millington politely stuffed
-their handkerchiefs in their ears, but I went over to Millington and spoke
-to him as man to man.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Millington,” I said severely, “calm down! I am surprised. Time and again
-I have started for Port Lafayette with you, and time and again we have
-paused all day while you repaired the automobile. Much as I have wished to
-go to Port Lafayette I have never complained, because you have always been
-better company while repairing the machine than at any other time. But
-this I cannot stand. If you continue to act this way I shall never again
-go toward Port Lafayette with you. Brace up, and repair the machine.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Millington's only answer was a curse.
-</p>
-<p>
-I was about to take him by the throat and teach him a little better
-manners when he arose and walked over to the machine again. He got in and
-started the motor, and listened intently while I ran alongside. Then, with
-a great effort he controlled his feelings and spoke.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Ladies,” he said between his teeth, “we shall have to postpone going to
-Port Lafayette. I am afraid to drive this car any farther. There is
-something very, very serious the matter with it.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Then, when the women had disappeared, my wife walking rapidly so as to
-arrive at home before her cake was scorched, Millington turned to me.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” he said with emotion, “you must excuse the feeling I showed. I was
-upset; I admit that I was overcome. I have owned this car four years, but
-in all that time, although I have started for Port Lafayette nearly every
-day, the car has never behaved as it has just behaved. I am a brave man,
-John, and I have never been afraid of a motor-car before, but when my car
-acts as this car has just acted, I <i>am</i> afraid!”
- </p>
-<p>
-I could see he was speaking the truth. His face was white about the mouth,
-and the tense lines showed he was nerving himself to do his duty. His
-voice trembled with the intensity of his self-control.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” he said, taking my hand, “were you listening to the car?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“No,” I had to admit. “No, Millington, I was not. I am ashamed to say it,
-but at the moment my mind was elsewhere. But,” I added, as if in self
-defence, “I am pretty sure I did not hear that knocking. I remember quite
-distinctly that I was not holding on to anything, and when the engine
-knocks—But what did you hear?”
- </p>
-<p>
-A shiver of involuntary fear passed over Millington, and he lowered his
-voice to a frightened whisper. He glanced fearfully at the automobile.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Nothing!” he said.
-</p>
-<p>
-“What?” I cried. I could not hide my astonishment and, I am afraid, my
-disbelief. I would not, for the world, have had Millington think I thought
-he was prevaricating.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Not a thing!” he repeated firmly. “Not a sound; not one bad symptom.
-Every—everything was running just as it should—just as they do
-in other automobiles.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Millington!” I said reproachfully.
-</p>
-<p>
-“It is the truth!” he declared. “I swear it is the truth. Nothing seemed
-broken or about to break. I could not hear a sound of distress, or a
-symptom of disorder. Do you wonder I was overcome?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Millington,” I said seriously, “this is no light matter. I shall not
-accuse you of wilfully lying to me, but I know your automobile, and I
-cannot believe your automobile could proceed four hundred feet without
-making noises of internal disorder. It is evident to me that your hearing
-is growing weak; you may be threatened with deafness.” At this Millington
-seemed to cheer up considerably, for deafness was something he could
-understand. I proposed that we both get into the automobile again, and I,
-too, would listen. So we did. It was almost pathetic, it was most
-pathetic, to see the way Millington looked up into my face to see what
-verdict I would give when he started the motor.
-</p>
-<p>
-My verdict was the very worst possible. We ran a block at low speed and I
-could hear no trouble. We ran a block at second speed, and no distressful
-noise did I hear. We ran two blocks at high speed, with no noise but the
-soft purring of motors and machinery. As Millington brought the automobile
-to a stop we looked at each other aghast. It was true, too true, <i>nothing
-was the matter with the automobile!</i> It sparked, it ignited, it did
-everything a perfect automobile should do, just as a perfect automobile
-should do it. We got out and stared at the automobile silently.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” said Millington at length, “you can easily see that I would not
-dare to start on a long trip like that to Port Lafayette when my
-automobile is acting in this unaccountable manner. It would be the most
-foolhardy recklessness. When this machine is running in an absolutely
-perfect manner, almost anything may be the matter with it. My own opinion
-is that a spell has been cast over it, and that it is bewitched.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I never knew it to come as far as this without stopping,” I said, “and to
-come this far without a single annoying noise makes me sure we should not
-attempt Port Lafayette to-day in this car. I shall take a little jaunt
-into the country behind my horse, and—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“But don't go to Port Lafayette,” pleaded Millington. “Perhaps the
-automobile will be worse to-morrow. If she only develops some of the
-noises I am familiar with I shall not be afraid of her.”
- </p>
-<p>
-One of the pleasures of being a suburbanite is that you can have a horse,
-and one of the pleasures of having a horse is that you keep off the main
-roads when you go driving, lest the automobiles get you and your horse
-into an awful mess. In driving up cross roads and down back roads you
-often run across things you would like to own—things the
-automobilist never sees—and Isobel and I had heard of a genuine
-Windsor chair of ancient lineage. I imagine the chair may have been almost
-as old as our horse. When Mr. Millington told me we could not go to Port
-Lafayette in his automobile that day, I hurried home and had Mr. Prawley
-harness Bob, and it was that day, when we were hunting the Windsor chair,
-that we ran across Chesterfield Whiting. Since Isobel had begun to like
-suburban life, she liked it as only a convert could, and the moment she
-saw Chesterfield Whiting she declared we must, by all means, keep a pig,
-and that Chesterfield Whiting was the pig we must keep.
-</p>
-<p>
-Personally I was not much in favour of keeping a pig. I like things that
-pay dividends more frequently. I would not give much for a vegetable
-garden that had to be planted in the spring, worked all summer, tended all
-fall, and that only yielded its product in the winter. I prefer a garden
-that gives a vegetable once in awhile. Mine does that—it gives a
-vegetable every once in awhile. But a pig is a slow dividend payer.
-</p>
-<p>
-I had noticed that Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington had never urged me to get
-a pig. Whenever I mentioned pig they mentioned various deadly and popular
-pig diseases. They had urged me to garden, and to keep chickens, and a
-horse, and a cow, and even an automobile—Millington urged me to keep
-his—but never a pig! I would not hint that Rolfs and Millington were
-selfish, or that they hoped to receive, now and then, milk from my cow,
-eggs from my chickens, or radishes from my garden, but a neighbour may
-profit in that way. On the other hand, the neighbour never profits from
-the suburban pig. I believe now, however, that Rolfs and Millington wished
-me to have things that would pay as they went.
-</p>
-<p>
-But the moment Isobel saw the pig she said we must have him, because he
-was so cute. I had never thought of buying a pig because it was cute any
-more than I would have thought of buying a spring bonnet because it would
-fatten well for winter killing, but I yielded to Isobel.
-</p>
-<p>
-Isobel said the idea of a pig being a nuisance was all nonsense, for she
-had been reading a magazine that was largely devoted to pigs and similar
-objects loved by country gentlemen, and that modern science proved beyond
-a doubt that the cleaner the pig the happier it was. She said a pig could
-not be too clean, and that if a pig was kept perfectly tidy no one could
-object to it.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” she said, “there is no reason in the world why a pig should not be
-as clean as a new pin. The magazine says that if a pig is usually of a
-coarse, disgruntled nature, it is only because it is kept in coarse,
-brutalizing surroundings, and treated like a pig. If a pig is put amidst
-sweetness and light, the pig's nature will be sweet and light, and the pig
-will be sweet and light.”
- </p>
-<p>
-I suggested gently that a pig, all things considered, was usually counted
-a failure if it was a light pig, and that experts had decided in favour of
-the pig that became heavy and soggy.
-</p>
-<p>
-“What I mean,” said Isobel, “is light in spirit, not light in weight.”
- </p>
-<p>
-We were looking over the fence of a farm when we held this little
-conversation, and Chesterfield Whiting was sporting on the clean, green
-clover, amidst his brothers, quite unconscious that he was so soon to be
-separated from them and lose their companionship. We had been attracted to
-him by a very hand-made sign that announced “Pigs for Sale.” Chesterfield
-was an extremely clean pig, and I must admit that I was rather taken by
-his looks myself, and when we drove around to the farm house I was
-surprised to learn how inexpensive a pig of tender years is, and I bought
-the pig. It is hard for me to deny Isobel these little pleasures.
-</p>
-<p>
-On our way home Isobel and I talked of the future of Chesterfield, and we
-resolved that his life should be one grand, sweet song, as the poet says,
-and we had hardly started homeward than it appeared as if Chesterfield
-meant to attend to the song feature of his life himself. I never imagined
-a pig would feel his separation from his native place so keenly. He began
-to mourn in a keen treble key the moment the farmer grabbed him, uttering
-long, sharp wails of sorrow, and he kept it up. Automobiles with siren
-horns stopped in the road as we passed, and the chauffeurs took off their
-goggles and stared at us. It was very hard for Isobel to sit up straight
-in the carriage and look dignified and cool with Chesterfield wailing out
-his little soul sorrows under the seat.
-</p>
-<p>
-As we neared the outskirts of Westcote, I began to keep an eye out for pig
-houses. It seemed to me that in these days of uplift the pig keepers of a
-suburb such as ours, peopled by intelligent men and women, would have the
-most modern improvements in pig dwellings, and I desired to make a few
-mental notes of them as I passed by. If I saw a very modern pig palace I
-meant to get out of the carriage and examine minutely the conveniences
-installed for the pig's comfort, so that I might reproduce them.
-</p>
-<p>
-Isobel had mentioned casually that a pig dwelling with tile floors and
-walls and a shower bath would be quite sanitary, provided the tiles of the
-wall met the tiles of the floor in a concave curve, leaving no sharp
-angles; but as we journeyed into the village we saw no pig houses of this
-kind. In fact we saw no pig houses of any kind. At first this only annoyed
-me, then it surprised me, and by the time we were well into the village it
-worried me.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, “I don't like this absence of pigs in this village. I am
-afraid there is something wrong here. I don't know what to make of it. It
-may be that hog-cholera is epidemic here the year 'round, just as San José
-scale kills all the apple trees. Have you seen a single pig?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Not one,” she admitted. “It looks as if there was a law against pigs.”
- </p>
-<p>
-I stopped Bob, and looked at Isobel in amazement.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel!” I exclaimed. “You must be right! There must be a law against
-pigs! I do wish Chesterfield would stop yelling!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“John,” said Isobel, “now that I come to think of it I do not believe I
-ever saw a pig in all Westcote. I wonder if we couldn't gag Chesterfield
-some way? If he howls like that every one will know we have a pig.”
- </p>
-<p>
-I gagged the pig. I took Isobel's pink veil and wrapped it firmly around
-Chesterfield's nose, and brought the ends around his neck and tied them.
-Then I stuck his head into the sleeve of my rain coat and wrapped him in
-the coat, and tied it all in the linen dust robe. He was well gagged.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, as I took up the reins again, “this is a serious matter.
-We will have to get rid of this pig, and we will have to do it quickly. I
-do not want to get into difficulties with the City of New York. Keeping a
-pig in the suburbs is evidently a crime, and it is a difficult crime to
-conceal. If I committed a murder and used ordinary precautions there might
-be no danger of detection, but a pig speaks for itself.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Chesterfield does,” said Isobel. “Do you suppose they will put you in
-jail?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“<i>Me</i> in jail?” I ejaculated. “He is your pig, Isobel.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“John,” she said generously, “I give Chesterfield to you.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, “I cannot accept the sacrifice. He is your pig.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Well,” she said, “we will go to prison together.”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-VIII. SALTED ALMONDS
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>S we approached our house, Mr. Millington, who was in his garage, and Mr.
-Rolfs, who was on his porch, came to meet us. They looked at the carriage
-with suspicion, but I assumed a careless, innocent look, well calculated
-to deceive them. They came down to the carriage, and laid their hands on
-it, and glanced into it. Mr. Rolfs, with ill-assumed absent-mindedness,
-lifted the leather cover of the rear of the carriage box and glanced in. I
-was glad we had put Chesterfield Whiting under the seat.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Shall I take in the—” Isobel began, but I cut her words short.
-</p>
-<p>
-“No, I will take in your <i>wraps</i>,” I said meaningly, and then added:
-“Well, good night, Millington; good night, Rolfs.”
- </p>
-<p>
-They did not take the hint. They walked beside the carriage as I drove to
-the stable, and although Mr. Prawley was able to do the work alone, and I
-made some excuse to help him, Rolfs and Millington seemed eager to help
-us.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I worked two hours over my automobile,” said Millington, “and she is
-knocking again as usual. To-morrow, I propose you and I and our wives will
-take a little pig up to Port Lafayette—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Pig?” I said. “What do you mean by pig, Millington.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Did I say pig?” said Millington in great confusion. “I meant to say:
-'take a little spin.'”
- </p>
-<p>
-“John will think you think he is thinking of keeping a pig,” said Rolfs
-accusingly to Millington. “He will think you are doubting his sanity. John
-would no more keep a pig on this place—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Certainly not!” I cried. “The idea! Keep a pig!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Well, you know,” said Millington, and then stopped. “What is that
-squeak?” he asked.
-</p>
-<p>
-I knew only too well what that squeak was. It was Chesterfield.
-</p>
-<p>
-“That?” I said carelessly. “Oh, that is nothing. My carriage springs need
-oiling. Mr. Prawley, don't forget to oil the carriage springs to-morrow.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Yes, sir,” said Mr. Prawley, “but if I might suggest feeding the—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Ahem!” I said loudly. “Oil the springs, Prawley. To-morrow.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“When I said 'take a little pig,'” said Millington, “I meant—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Millington,” I said, “I forgive you! Men will make mistakes—slip of
-the tongue—Well, good night!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“See here,” said Millington, “I know you feel some resentment.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“No I don't! Good night!” I said angrily.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Yes you do!” said Millington. “And I'll tell you why. You remember you
-mentioned, some time ago, that you thought you would keep a pig?
-Personally I would be delighted to have you keep a pig or even a lot of
-pigs. You could make an infernal stock yard of your place if you wanted
-to. I love pigs. If I could have my way I would have a pig pen immediately
-under my window, so that when I awakened in the morning I could glance
-down at the happy, contented creatures. Nothing starts the day so well as
-to see contented creatures, and there is nothing so contented as a pig. If
-I could have my own way I would beg you to build your pig pen immediately
-under my window. But I am not a selfish man.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I know you are not, Millington,” I said; “but I am not considering the
-purchase of a pig. Good night!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Of course you are not,” said Rolfs, “and I only want to say that if you
-do keep a pig you can gratify Millington, for every law of pig culture
-demands that you build your pig house against the western fence, and not
-against my fence. The pig is a delicate creature, and his pen should be
-where the invigorating rays of the morning sun can strike him. Now my
-fence is the eastern fence—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“And this man Rolfs pretends to be your friend!” exclaimed Millington
-sneeringly.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Why every one knows that unless a pig has sweet dreams he becomes moody
-and listless, and loses interest in life. A pig's place of residence
-should always be where the last rays of the sun can strike him—against
-the eastern fence. You want to put that pen against Rolf's fence.”
- </p>
-<p>
-At this Mr. Rolfs became greatly agitated. He glared at Mr. Millington,
-and shook his fist at me.
-</p>
-<p>
-“You'll put no pig pen on my side of your yard!” he said threateningly.
-</p>
-<p>
-“And you keep your pig pen away from my fence,” said Mr. Millington hotly.
-“I am your friend, and I start to Port Lafayette with you day after day—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Millington,” said Rolfs, calming himself, “we will not have a pig in this
-neighbourhood at all. If this fellow attempts to keep a pig we will have
-the law on him. That is what we will do!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“That is what we will do, Rolfs,” said Millington, “at the first evidence
-of a pig we will set the police on him. We won't stand it!” “Gentlemen,” I
-said calmly, “I have no intention of keeping a pig. Such an idea never
-entered my mind. And as for you, Millington, I know you now. You have
-shown yourself as you are. Never again, Millington, shall I start to Port
-Lafayette in your automobile. That is final! Good night, gentlemen!”
- </p>
-<p>
-Millington and Rolfs went off arm in arm, and when they were out of sight
-I hurriedly rescued Chesterfield Whiting, in all his wrappings, from under
-the seat, and rushed him into the house. I let Mr. Prawley continue to
-unharness the horse. I told Isobel what my neighbours had said.
-Chesterfield, in his gags, lay at my feet.
-</p>
-<p>
-“To-morrow, Isobel,” I said, “we must get rid of Chesterfield Whiting. In
-the meantime we must keep him a dark secret. We must keep him silent, or
-we are lost.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Suddenly the dust-robe bundle at our feet began to palpitate violently. It
-bounced like a fish out of water, and I made a grab for it. Chesterfield
-screamed. I threw myself hastily upon him and wrapped him in my arms and
-muzzled the bunch of veil that was his nose with my hand. As I stood erect
-again I chanced to glance out of the window, and I saw Mr. Rolfs and Mr.
-Millington in deep conversation with a policeman. From time to time they
-turned and glanced at my house. Motioning Isobel to follow me, I bore
-Chesterfield to the attic. We closed the windows of the trunk room in the
-attic, and locked the door. Then I opened a trunk, unwrapped Chesterfield
-and dropped him into the trunk, and shut the lid. And sat on it.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/175.png" alt="175" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-Isobel peeked out of the window, and told me that the policeman and Mr.
-Rolfs and Mr. Millington were staring at our attic windows.
-</p>
-<p>
-An ordinary pig would have been glad to be unwrapped and dropped into a
-cozy, roomy trunk, but Chesterfield was no ordinary pig. He was a weeper.
-First he wailed for his lost home. Then he screamed for his mother. Then
-he shrieked for each of his dear little brothers and sisters individually.
-Then he opened his lungs and squealed for all of them at once, and the
-policeman took out his note-book and wrote down the number of our house. I
-realized then that keeping a pig in the suburbs is attended by
-difficulties. The theory of keeping your pigs cheerful and happy is all
-right in a book, but it is hard to live up to when the pig is homesick and
-a policeman with a note-book is on your front walk. It is well enough for
-an agricultural writer to sit in his hall bedroom in the city and scribble
-about uplifting the pig, and spiritualizing it, and bathing it, but did he
-ever try to soothe a homesick pig in an attic? Did he ever try to bathe a
-pig in a trunk? Did he ever try to scatter sunshine in a pig's life when
-the pig has firmly made up its mind to mourn? Did he ever try to reason
-with the pig when the pig is full of squeal, and has no desire in life but
-to pour forth eons and leagues of it?
-</p>
-<p>
-When a pig feels like that, it is useless to read it chapters from
-Hamilton Wright Mabie's “Essays on Nature and Culture.” Occasionally I
-opened the lid of the trunk and looked in to assure myself that there was
-but one pig, and not three or four. When a pig reaches the stage where its
-eyes become set and stary, and it gives forth long, soul-piercing wails,
-it does not want a bath. It does not want sunshine, nor Bible classes, nor
-uplift, nor simple life. It wants food.
-</p>
-<p>
-The more I studied Chesterfield the more certain I became that if a man
-wants to win the affection of a pig he can best do so, not by lifting the
-pig over the edge of a porcelain bath tub every few hours to give it a
-rub-down, but by standing by with a couple of tons of feed and shovelling
-it down the pig with a scoop-shovel. The pig's squawker and its swallower
-are one and the same instrument, and the only way to keep the squawker
-quiet is to keep the swallower plugged with food. In its idle hours the
-pig may long for sweetness and light, but it wants meals at all hours of
-the day and night.
-</p>
-<p>
-We found that Chesterfield preferred salted almonds to affection. He began
-eating salted almonds immediately after we had fed him everything else in
-the house that was edible, and by feeding him one almond at a time Isobel
-was able to keep him interested. By this means she kept his mind off his
-sorrows. He could not weep and chew.
-</p>
-<p>
-Time and again, as the hours slipped by, Isobel tested Chesterfield, to
-see if he was satisfied, but at each test his sorrow broke forth afresh. I
-never knew a pig was so full of sorrows. I would not have believed that so
-small a pig, so full of salted almonds, could have room for one small
-sorrow. And yet, the moment Isobel ceased feeding him, he would run around
-inside the trunk, nosing it and wailing for—I don't know what he was
-wailing for!
-</p>
-<p>
-About midnight, when Isobel was worn out, I took her place and let her go
-to bed. I told her I would feed salted almonds until three, and then call
-her, and she could feed until six, while I got a little sleep. About two
-o'clock in the morning I gave Chesterfield his eighteenth drink of water,
-and when I offered him another salted almond he seemed languid. He eyed it
-covetously, opened his mouth, sighed once, and fell over sideways. His
-regular breathing told me he had fallen into a deep, sweet sleep, and I
-removed my shoes and stole softly downstairs.
-</p>
-<p>
-“He has fallen asleep,” I told Isobel, “and I think he will probably take
-a good nap. He has had a hard day. I left him quite comfortable and—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Drink! Almonds! Mother! I'm lone-lee-ee-wee-wee-wee!” wailed Chesterfield
-at that instant, and I hurried up to the attic. I threw open the lid of
-the trunk, and found him standing on his feet. He was still asleep, his
-white-lashed eyes firmly closed in slumber, but his squealer was working
-as if he were awake, and when I fed him a salted almond he munched and
-swallowed it without awakening, and squealed for another. He was so sound
-asleep that he could not even reach out for the almonds; I had to poke
-them into his mouth. When I missed his mouth and dropped the almond on the
-floor of the trunk he squealed. At last he lay down comfortably and slept
-and ate almonds.
-</p>
-<p>
-I had one great fear. I was running out of almonds. So I tried him with
-wads of newspaper, and found they satisfied him quite as well. I fed him a
-complete Sunday newspaper, including the coloured supplement and the
-“want” advertisements, before sunrise. I imagine the newspaper was not
-very nourishing, for Chesterfield awakened at sunrise with a tremendous
-appetite, and let us know, plainly, that he was starving to death. I fed
-him my breakfast and Isobel's while Mr. Prawley was digging up what
-remained in our vegetable garden, and when Chesterfield had eaten that I
-gagged him with the pink veil, and stuffed his head in the sleeve of my
-rain coat once more.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel,” I said, “the time has at last come when we must cease keeping
-pigs. I love to be surrounded by affection, but I believe we have kept
-this pig long enough. An attic is no place in which to run a modern swine
-industry. It is too far from the nearest bath tub. Bathe him now, if you
-would bathe him at all, for he is going back to the farm.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“If we packed him in a trunk,” said Isobel thoughtfully, paying no
-attention to the bath suggestion, “we might send him back to the farmer by
-express, and Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington would never know we had—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“That is a good idea,” I said, “except that we do not know the name of the
-farmer, and that the Interurban does not deliver express parcels twelve
-miles from Westcote—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“We might pack him in a suit case,” suggested Isobel. “If we packed him in
-the suit case and pretended we were going on a picnic and that the suit
-case was our lunch—I suppose Chesterfield will be some one's lunch
-some day?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Fine!” I said, and we began pretending we were going on a picnic. I
-packed Chesterfield Whiting in the suit case, and then went down and had
-Mr. Prawley harness the horse. I noticed that the policeman was still
-hanging near our house, and that Mr. Millington was eyeing me from his
-porch.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Ah! Millington!” I called cheerfully. “Fine day for a picnic! Isobel and
-I are just off for one.”
- </p>
-<p>
-He came running over immediately. “Admirable!” he cried. “I was just
-coming over to suggest that very thing. The automobile is running
-beautifully this morning, and we four can run up to Port Lafayette—”
- </p>
-<p>
-Port Lafayette!
-</p>
-<p>
-“Millington,” I said, assuming an angry tone, “last evening you insulted
-me, and you seem to think I will forgive you thus easily. No indeed! I am
-not that sort of man, Millington. I will not take Isobel to Port
-Lafayette, for I have promised to let you take us there, but we will go on
-this picnic behind Bob. And if you see Rolfs just tell him what a silly
-ass he made of himself, thinking I would be crazy enough to keep a pig. I
-may be some kinds of a fool, Millington, but I am not that kind!”
- </p>
-<p>
-I think Millington blushed. He should have blushed. Saying I would keep a
-pig, indeed!
-</p>
-<p>
-When I returned for Isobel and carried the suit case downstairs I felt as
-light-hearted as a boy. Chesterfield was so well muzzled and gagged that
-he made no sound whatever, and when I stepped from my door, with Isobel by
-my side, I was pleased to see Rolfs stepping from his front door, and I
-hailed him. He stopped, but he looked annoyed.
-</p>
-<p>
-“If you want to say anything ugly, say it quick,” he said, “for I'm in a
-rush to catch a train, and if I just catch it, I can just catch the ferry,
-to catch a train for Chicago. I can't stop now—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Get in the buggy,” I said heartily, “we will drive you to the station.
-Isobel and I are going on a little picnic. Put your suit case in the back,
-with ours. We always carry our lunch in a suit case when we go picnicing.
-Hop in!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Well, it is kind of you,” said Rolfs rather sheepishly. “I hope you did
-not feel hurt by what I said last night about pigs. I feel rather strongly
-about pigs.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Rolfs,” I said as I gathered up the reins, “I am not a man to nurse hard
-feelings, but I must say—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Look here!” said Rolfs, “I did not get into this buggy to listen to—”
- </p>
-<p>
-“You can get out again,” I said inhospitably, “any time you do not like
-straight, honest talk. I mean nothing unneighbourly but when a man accuses—”
- </p>
-<p>
-Without another word Rolfs jumped out, and grabbing his suit case, walked
-haughtily away. I could not forbear giving him a little dig.
-</p>
-<p>
-“<i>Bon voyage</i>, Rolfs,” I called. “Don't get pigs on the brain
-to-night again!” and Isobel and I laughed as we drove away.
-</p>
-<p>
-When the farmer saw us drive into his yard he seemed surprised, but he was
-nice about it. He said he was willing to pay us back half what we had paid
-him for Chesterfield Whiting, but we would not hear of it.
-</p>
-<p>
-“No,” I said firmly, “we have had our money's worth of pig!”
- </p>
-<p>
-Then I opened the suit case.
-</p>
-<p>
-It contained, among other things, a suit of pajamas, a tooth brush, four
-shirts, six pair of socks, underwear, handkerchiefs, a book entitled “The
-Complete Rights of the Citizen,” and twelve collars. But no pig.
-</p>
-<p>
-All the articles were of good quality, and most had Rolf's initials on
-them. I must say the suit case contained a nice assortment of
-haberdashery. But no pig. Not that I blamed Rolfs for not packing a pig in
-his suit case, for he was going to Chicago where there are stock yards
-full of pigs, if he should happen to want one. And a suit case is no place
-for a pig, anyway. Imagine the feelings of a man in a sleeping car when he
-has buckled the curtains of his berth around him, and has partly undressed
-behind them. And then imagine him reaching down and opening his suit case,
-expecting to find a suit of pajamas, and finding, instead, a pig. Imagine
-him when the pig—a Chesterfield Whiting pig—springs lightly
-forth and gives voice to his homesickness!
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/185.png" alt="185" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-IX. THE ROYAL GAME OR SEVERAL DAYS AFTER THE PIG EPISODE
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> refused to start for Port Lafayette in Millington's automobile, although
-he used to lean over the fence and beg me almost tearfully, but one fine
-morning he came over, and he looked so haggard and careworn that I took
-pity on him.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” he said, as he led me to his garage, which was on the back of his
-lot, “I am sure this automobile of mine is bewitched. I cannot think of
-anything else that would make it behave as an automobile in good health
-should, and I give you my word of honour that it is acting in perfect
-rhythm, never slipping a cog nor missing fire. Of course, with the machine
-behaving in that unaccountable manner, I would not dare to start for Port
-Lafayette, but I want to run you around to the Country Club. You ought to
-be in our Country Club, and I want you to see it, and I want you to tell
-me what you think about this automobile of mine. I can't understand it!”
- </p>
-<p>
-I have often noticed three things: I have noticed that a boy is never
-really happy until he owns a dog; I have noticed that a flat-dweller is
-never content until he owns a phonograph; but above all I have noticed
-that the commuter—the man that lives in the sweet-scented,
-tree-embowered suburbs—is restless and uneasy until he joins the
-Country Club. So I accepted Millington's invitation.
-</p>
-<p>
-We ran out of his yard and half a block up the street, Millington
-listening carefully all the while, and we could not hear a sound of
-distress in any part of the automobile. Millington stopped the car and got
-out.
-</p>
-<p>
-“I am going to walk to the Club,” he said. “I won't trust myself in that
-car. As for you, as it was entirely for your sake I proposed this little
-run to the Club, I am going to put the machine in your charge, and you are
-to run it around the block until it resumes its normal bad condition. From
-what I know of you and the remarks you have made while I have tried to
-repair the engine, I believe you will soon have it making all sorts of
-noises, and,” he added, “perhaps it will be making a noise it never made
-before.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Then he showed me how to start, and what to touch if a tree or telephone
-post got in my way, and then he went on to the Country Club.
-</p>
-<p>
-I was much touched by this evidence of Millington's faith in my ability to
-bring out the bad points of his automobile, and as soon as he disappeared
-I set to work, and I had hardly gone twice around the block before I had
-it knocking more loudly than ever I had heard it knock. But I was resolved
-to show Millington that his trust was not misplaced, and I ran the nose of
-the machine into a tree, threw on the high speed suddenly until I heard a
-grinding noise that told me the gears were stripped. Then I left the car
-there and walked on to the Country Club.
-</p>
-<p>
-A Country Club is an institution conducted for the purpose of securing as
-many new members as possible, in order that their initiation fees may pay
-for the upkeep of the golf green. Aside from this, the object of the club
-is to enable the men that mow the grass to make an honest living by
-selling the golf balls they find while mowing the grass.
-</p>
-<p>
-The Membership Committee, on which Millington served, is a small body of
-men whose duty it is to learn, as soon as possible, who that new man is
-that moved into Billing's house, and to get twenty dollars in initiation
-fees from him, before he has spent all his money for mosquito screens.
-</p>
-<p>
-When Millington said to me, in the way members of Country Clubs have, “<i>You</i>
-ought to be in our Country Club,” I was tickled. I did not know then that
-Millington was on the membership committee, and his willingness to admit
-me to fellowship seemed to show that I had been promptly recognized as a
-desirable citizen of Westcote; a man worth knowing; one of the inner
-circle of desirables. What more fully convinced me was the eagerness of
-Mr. Rolfs.
-</p>
-<p>
-“We <i>must</i> have you in,” said Rolfs. “I have been speaking to several
-of the members about you, and they are all enthusiastic about taking you
-in. Of course, our green is a little ragged just now, but when we get your
-mon—when—of course, the green is a little ragged just now, but
-we expect to have it trimmed soon, very soon.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Isobel was delighted when I told her I contemplated joining the Country
-Club. She said it would do me all the good in the world to play a game of
-golf now and then, and when I mentioned that I thought of taking family
-membership, which would admit her to all the club privileges, she was more
-than pleased. So were Mr. Rolfs and Mr. Millington. I forget how many more
-dollars a family membership cost. They shook hands with me warmly, and
-Millington said something to Rolfs about their now being able to dump
-another load or two of sand on the bunker at the sixth hole. They also
-said the ladies would be delighted. Many, they said, had asked them why
-Isobel had not joined.
-</p>
-<p>
-Then they mentioned earnestly that the initiation fee and the first year's
-dues were payable immediately. They even offered to send in my check for
-the amount with my membership application.
-</p>
-<p>
-I had never played golf, but Millington said he would lend me an excellent
-book on the game, written by one of the great players, and Rolfs offered
-to pick me out a set of clubs. He was enthusiastic when we went to the
-shop where clubs were sold, and I must say he did not allow the clerk to
-foist off on me any old-fashioned, shopworn clubs. He said with pride, as
-we left the shop, that, so far as he knew, every club I had secured was
-absolutely new in model, and that not one club in the lot was of a kind
-ever seen on the Westcote course before. Some he said, he was sure had
-never been seen on any course anywhere.
-</p>
-<p>
-He said my putter would create great excitement when it appeared on the
-course. I must give him credit for being right. The putter was, perhaps,
-too much like a brass sledge-hammer to be graceful, and I found later that
-it worked much better as a croquet mallet than as a tool for putting a
-golf ball into a hole, but it was fine advertisement for a new member.
-Members who might never have noticed me at all began to speak of me
-immediately. They referred to me as “that fellow that Rolfs got to buy the
-idiotic putter.”
- </p>
-<p>
-The golf course at our Westcote Country Club is one of the best I have
-ever seen. It is almost free from those irregularities of ground that make
-so many golf courses fretful. In selecting the ground the Committee had in
-mind, I think, a billiard table, but as it was impossible to secure a
-sufficiently large plot of ground as level as that near Westcote, they
-secured the most level they could and then went over it with a steam
-grader. The envious members of the Oakland Club speak of it as the
-Westcote Croquet Grounds.
-</p>
-<p>
-The first day I appeared at the club I saw that golf was indeed a
-difficult game, particularly after Mr. Millington had explained how it was
-worked. He began by remarking that, of course, I could not expect to do
-much with “that bunch of crazy scrap iron”—that being the manner in
-which he referred to the up-to-date clubs Rolfs had selected for me—and
-that no man who knew anything about golf ever used the red-white-and-pink
-polka-dot balls, which were the kind Rolfs had advised me to buy. Then he
-looked through my clubs scornfully and selected my putter.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Usually,” he said ironically, “we begin with a driver, and drive the ball
-as far as we can from this place, which is called the driving green, but I
-think this tool, in your hands, will do as well as anything else in your
-collection of kitchen cutlery. What do you call this tool, anyway?”
- </p>
-<p>
-I looked at the label on the handle and read it. I told Millington it was
-a putter, but he would not believe me. I showed him the label, which said
-quite plainly “putter,” but he was still skeptical. He did not deny
-positively that it was a putter; he merely said, “Well, if this instrument
-of torture is a putter, I'll eat it.”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0010" id="linkimage-0010"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/201.png" alt="201" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-Mr. Millington then made a little mound of sand which he took from the
-green sandbox, and set one of my golf balls on top of the mound. This, I
-soon learned, is called “teeing” the ball.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Now,” said Mr. Millington, “I will explain the game. When the ball is
-teed as you see it here, you take the club and hit the ball so it will
-travel low and straight through the air as far as possible toward that red
-flag you see yonder. The ball will alight on the fair green. You follow
-it, and hit it again, and it should then alight fairly and squarely on the
-putting-green. You then follow it, take the pole that bears the flag out
-of the hole you will find there, and gently knock your ball into the hole.
-That is all there is to the game.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“But what shall I do,” I asked, “if my first knock at the ball carries it
-beyond the flag?”
- </p>
-<p>
-Mr. Millington glanced at the patent putter I held in my hand, and sighed.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Excuse me,” he said, “but the rules of the game permit one to grasp the
-club with both hands.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I guess,” I said airily, “until I get the swing of it I will grasp the
-club with one hand. I only use one hand in playing croquet.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“In that case,” said Mr. Millington, “if you knock the ball past the flag
-I will eat the flag. I will also eat the ball. Also the thing you call a
-putter. If you knock the ball half way to the flag, I will eat all the
-grass on this golf course.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Be careful, Millington,” I warned him. “You may have to eat that grass.
-Now, stand back and let me have a fair whack at the ball.”
- </p>
-<p>
-With that I swung the putter around my head two or three times, to gather
-the necessary impetus, and then hit the ball a terrible whack. I put my
-full strength into the blow, for I wanted to show Millington that I had
-the making of a golfer in me; but when my putter ceased revolving around
-me Millington seemed unimpressed. I put my hand above my eyes and gazed
-into the far distance, hoping to catch sight of the ball when it alighted.
-But I did not see it.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0011" id="linkimage-0011"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/205.png" alt="205" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-“Millington,” I said, “did you see where that ball went?”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I did,” he said, turning to the left. “It went over there, into that tall
-grass. It is a lost ball. Every ball that goes into that tall grass is
-gone forever. I have never known any one to recover a ball that fell in
-that tall grass.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Then he stepped proudly to the sand-box and made another tee.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Hand me a ball,” he said, “and I will show you the proper way to hit it.”
- </p>
-<p>
-I gave him a ball and he placed it carefully on the tee. Then he grasped
-his driver in both hands, snuggled the head of it up to the ball lovingly,
-drew back the club and struck the ball. I was not quick enough to see the
-ball go, but Millington was.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Fine!” he exclaimed. “I sliced it a little, but I must have got good
-distance. I must have driven that ball two hundred yards.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“But where did it go?” I asked.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Well,” said Millington, “I did slice it a little. It went off there to
-the right, into that tall grass. It is a lost ball. I have never known any
-one to recover a ball that fell in that tall grass. But let me have
-another ball and I will show you—”
- </p>
-<p>
-I told Millington I guessed I would lose a couple of balls myself while I
-had a few left, if it was not against the rules. He said no, a player
-could lose as many as he wished; in fact many players lost more than they
-wished.
-</p>
-<p>
-I found this to be so. We played around the nine holes and I made a score
-of 114, and Millington was delighted. He said it was a splendid score to
-turn in to the handicapping committee, and that he wished he could make a
-large, safe score like that. He said no one in the club had ever made more
-than 110 and that the average was about 45. Then he said I need not lose
-hope, for at any rate I had not lost a ball at every stroke. He said he
-had imagined when he saw me play that I would lose a ball at every stroke,
-for my style of playing—my “form” he called it—was the sort
-that ought to lose me one ball for every stroke.
-</p>
-<p>
-When I reached home I found Isobel awaiting me, and, without thinking, I
-blurted out that I had lost thirty-eight golf balls. Her mouth hardened.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” she said, “I have been talking with Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs. Millington
-about this game of golf, and what they say has given me an entirely
-different opinion of it. When I advised you to take it up I had no idea it
-was a gambling game, but they both tell me the matches are often played
-for a stake of balls. Mrs. Rolfs says her husband has accumulated eighty
-balls in this way, and Mrs. Millington says her husband has laid up a
-store of over fifty. And now, when you come home and tell me you have
-lost, in one afternoon, thirty-eight golf balls, at a cost of fifty cents
-each, I feel that golf is a wicked, sinful game. I do not want to seem
-severe, but I do not approve of gambling, and if you continue to lose so
-many golf balls you will have to give up the game.”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-X. ADVANCED GOLF
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HAT evening Millington dropped over to chat for a few minutes, and he was
-in good spirits. He told me he had found the automobile where I had left
-it with its nose against the tree, and that it had been necessary to hire
-a team to pull it home. Isobel said she would never forget the pleased
-expression on Millington's face as he saw the helpless machine being towed
-into his yard, and between what both of them said I felt rightly proud at
-having lifted such a load from his mind.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Now,” said Millington cheerfully, “we can all start for Port Lafayette in
-the morning. I will get up at four to-morrow morning and tinker at the
-motor, and by nine, or ten at the latest, we will be ready to start.”
- </p>
-<p>
-At ten the next morning, therefore, Isobel and I went over to Millington's
-garage, but our first glimpse of him told us all was not well. He was
-sitting on the garage step with his head buried in his arms, while his
-wife was sitting beside him, vainly endeavouring to console him. For
-awhile he made no response to my queries, and then he only raised his
-mournful face and pointed at the automobile. He was too overcome for
-words, and his wife had to give us the awful facts.
-</p>
-<p>
-“This morning at four,” she said, “Edward came out and prepared to do what
-he could to repair the motor you had so kindly put to the bad. He was then
-his usual, cheerful self. He leaped lightly into the chauffeur's seat,
-touched the starting lever, and, to his utter distress, the automobile
-moved smoothly out of the garage and down the driveway, without a single
-misplaced throb or sign of disorder. There was nothing the matter with the
-automobile at all. Not a thing to repair. It was as if it had just come
-from the factory. Of course he immediately gave up all idea of the little
-run to Port Lafayette. Now, there is only one thing to be done. You must
-take the machine and run it around the block until it is in a fit
-condition to be repaired. I am afraid you did not do a good job
-yesterday.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Although I felt rather hurt by the last words, I was not a man to desert
-Millington in his need, and without a word I jumped into the automobile
-and started. That morning I put in some hard work. It seemed that the
-automobile had repaired itself so well that nothing would ever be the
-matter with it again, but by persistent efforts and by doing everything an
-amateur could possibly do to ruin an automobile, I succeeded in developing
-its weak spots. Not until noon was I satisfied, but when the horses at
-last pulled the automobile into Millington's garage I felt I had done my
-duty. I had mashed the hood and cracked a cylinder, dished the left front
-wheel and absolutely ruined all the battery connections. I would have
-defied any man to make that automobile run one inch. It had been hard
-work, but I was amply repaid when Millington threw his arms around me and
-wept for joy on my shoulder. He was not usually a demonstrative man.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Next week, or the week after, John,” he said cheerfully, as he took off
-his coat, “I may have the machine patched up a little, and we will take
-that little run out to Port Lafayette. I feel that the trip has been
-delayed too long already, and I shall get to work at once.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“If you wish,” I said, “I will lend you Mr. Prawley to hold things while
-you work on them.”
- </p>
-<p>
-“Prawley?” said Millington. “Prawley? That man of yours? No, thank you,
-John. That man Prawley is so fearful of automobiles that he trembles at
-the sight of a pair of goggles. He would die of fear if we forced him into
-this garage.”
- </p>
-<p>
-I left Millington whistling over his work, and that afternoon I took my
-putter and went to the golf grounds alone, for I had spent half the night
-reading the golf book Mr. Rolfs had lent me, and I saw I had not gone at
-the game in the right way. I knew now that I should have held my club with
-my right hand more to the right—or to the left—and my right
-foot nearer the ball—or not so near it—and with the head of my
-club heeled up more—or not so much. The directions given by the book
-were very explicit. They said a player must invariably lay his thumb along
-the shaft of the club, unless he wrapped it around the shaft, or let it
-stick up like a sore toe, or cut it off and got along without it, or did
-something else with it. The book seemed to imply that the proper way for a
-beginner to learn golf was to lock himself in a dark closet and indulge in
-silent meditation until he became an expert player, but the closets in my
-house were so narrow and shallow I felt I could not meditate broadly in
-them. So I went to the Country Club.
-</p>
-<p>
-I met young Weldorf there, and as soon as he saw me he immediately
-proposed a round. He said he had wanted to play a round with me ever since
-he had heard of my clubs. He said he hoped I would not mind his dog being
-along, for the dog took a lively interest in the game of golf.
-</p>
-<p>
-So I told Weldorf I loved dogs and that I thought a dog or two scattered
-around the links added greatly to the picturesqueness of the game.
-Weldorf's dog was a rather thin dog, of the white terrier kind, with black
-spots, and Weldorf explained that the reason there were bare,
-flesh-coloured spots on the dog was because he was just recovering from an
-attack of mange.
-</p>
-<p>
-Weldorf drove first, and a beautiful drive it was, and with a gay bark the
-dog darted after the ball, but Weldorf spoke to him sternly, and he
-stopped short, although he still gazed after the ball yearningly. Then I
-drove. I exerted the whole of my enormous strength in that drive, and I
-think I surprised Weldorf. I know I surprised the dog. If I had been that
-dog, I, too, would have been surprised. There stood the dog, looking at
-Weldorf's ball, wagging his tail and thinking of nothing, and here came my
-ball with terrific speed. Suddenly the ball hit the dog on the hip with a
-splashy sort of smack, and immediately the dog was impelled forward and
-upward, giving voice, as we dog-fanciers say. He gave voice three times
-while in the air, and when he alighted he put his tail between his legs
-and dashed madly away.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0012" id="linkimage-0012"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/219.png" alt="219" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-We were not able to retrieve the dog until we reached the third teeing
-ground, and then I apologized to him. He did not accept my apology. He
-looked upon my most friendly advances with unjust suspicion. He seemed to
-have no faith in my game, and kept well to the rear of me, but when
-Weldorf addressed him in a few well-chosen words he unlooped his tail and
-wagged it in a halfhearted sort of way. I decided to ignore the dog. I
-raised the hinged lid of the sandbox and took out a large handful of sand
-to form my tee, and letting the lid fall took a step forward.
-</p>
-<p>
-Immediately the dog gave voice! Weldorf had to raise the lid of the
-sand-box before the dog was able to get his tail out, but as soon as he
-had reassumed full control of his tail he placed it firmly between his
-legs and dashed madly away. It is nonsense to have a golf dog with a long
-tail.
-</p>
-<p>
-By the time we reached the sixth putting-green the dog had begun to get
-lonely, and assumed a cheerful demeanour. He returned to us with
-ingratiating poses, mainly sliding along the ground on his stomach as he
-approached, and I was glad to see him happy again, for I love dogs and I
-like to have them happy. He stood afar off, however, until he saw our
-balls on the putting-green. He knew that golfers do not “putt” as
-strenuously as they “drive.” Then he came nearer. I took the flag-pole
-from the hole and let it fall gracefully to the ground. Without an instant
-of hesitation the dog gave voice! It was a long flag-pole, made of a plump
-bamboo fish-rod, and when it fell it seemed to strike directly on the
-eighth dorsal vertebra of the dog, at a spot where he was not recovering
-very well from the mange.
-</p>
-<p>
-Weldorf said he had no doubt the dog would find his way home, and we stood
-and listened until the voice the dog was giving died away in the far
-distance, and then we holed out. It is nonsense for a dog to have dorsal
-vertebrae.
-</p>
-<p>
-When we reached the seventh hole I found that the grounds committee was
-already using my initiation fee, for the grass mowers were at work there,
-and a man with a rake immediately stepped up to me, and said in the most
-friendly manner that he would be willing to part with some golf balls for
-money, if I would say nothing about it to the Board of Governors. He had
-sixteen, nine of which I recognized as some of those I had lost the day
-before, and he very generously offered to let me have the lot at fifteen
-cents each. I purchased them eagerly, and the man who was driving the
-mower at once descended and offered me twelve more at the same price.
-Between there and the ninth hole numerous caddies appeared from behind
-trees and bunkers and offered me balls at ridiculously low prices, and I,
-quite naturally, took advantage of their offers.
-</p>
-<p>
-When I reached home Isobel asked me how I was progressing with my game.
-“Well,” I said, “I return with forty-two more golf balls than I had when I
-went out.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Instantly her face brightened. She congratulated me warmly and said she
-was sure Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs. Millington had overstated the evils of the
-game. She said she thought she could see an improvement in my health
-already. She advised me to keep at the game until my health was beyond
-compare.
-</p>
-<p>
-I now know that the book Mr. Rolfs lent me is mere piffle and that, for a
-man who takes his golf in the right way, a broom or a hairpin is as good
-as any other tool. I enjoy the game immensely, and find it great sport.
-Often I come home with fifty golf balls, and my low record is eighteen—but
-that was a legal holiday and the grass mowers were on vacation. I have so
-many golf balls in the house already that Isobel talks of having an
-addition built over the kitchen for storage purposes. As my game has
-improved I have acquired such dexterity that I can buy balls from the
-caddies at the rate of four for twenty-five cents. If I practise regularly
-I believe I shall in time reach a point where I can buy balls for five
-cents each. By holes, my best score is thirty-eight balls, made at the
-eighth hole on July 6th, from the red-headed caddy and the fat mowing man.
-My low score is one ball, made August 16th, at the first hole. I never
-make a large score there, as it is near the club house and the caddies are
-afraid of the Board of Governors.
-</p>
-<p>
-When golf is taken rightly it arouses the instincts of the chase in a man,
-and I now feel the same joy in running down a caddy and bargaining for
-found balls that others feel in hunting wild animals. Golf, taken thus, is
-a splendid game.
-</p>
-<p>
-And I have found that if I use my putter only, and knock the ball but a
-few yards each stroke, there is no need of losing a ball from one end of
-the year to the other. But even then one must remember the cardinal rule
-of all golfers—“Keep the eye on the ball.”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-XI. MY DOMESTICATED AUTOMOBILE
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> HAVE said that I left Millington happily working over his automobile
-when I went to the Country Club that afternoon. When I returned he was
-still working away, and so well had I wrecked his car that all his
-repairing seemed to have made not the slightest impression on it.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” he said brightly, “you certainly did a good job. It will be months
-before I have this car in any shape at all, I am sure. It is going to take
-all my spare time, too. I mean to set my alarm clock for three, and get up
-at that time every morning.”
- </p>
-<p>
-It is always a pleasure for me to see another man happy, and at half-past
-two the next morning I was waiting for Millington at his garage door. He
-came out of his house promptly at three, and joked merrily as he unlocked
-the garage door, but the moment he threw open the door his face fell. And
-well it might! The dished wheel had been trued, the crushed hood had been
-straightened and painted, a new cylinder had replaced the cracked one, and
-when Millington tried the engine it ran without a sound except that of a
-perfectly working piece of well-adjusted machinery. Millington got out of
-the car and stood staring at the motor, and suddenly, with a low cry of
-anguish, he fell over backward as stiff as a log. Mrs. Millington and I
-managed to carry him to bed, and then I returned to the garage. I was not
-going to desert Millington in his adversity.
-</p>
-<p>
-After the doctor had visited the house, Mrs. Millington came out and told
-me that her husband was still in a comatose state, due to brain-shock, but
-that he kept repeating “Sell it! Sell it!” over and over, and she was sure
-he must mean the car. She said that while she would hate to part with the
-car, and give up all the pleasure of starting for Port Lafayette, she
-feared for her husband's reason if he continued to receive such shocks,
-and she was willing to sacrifice the car at a very low price, if I
-insisted. She said I had not, like Millington, become habituated to
-hearing a knocking in the engine, so' the lack of it would not bother me,
-and that owning a car that repaired itself over night was what most
-automobile owners would call a golden opportunity.
-</p>
-<p>
-I suppose if I had come home and said to Isobel: “My dear, I have bought
-an Asiatic hyena,” she would have been less shocked and surprised than she
-was when I entered the house and said: “Well, my dear, I have bought an
-automobile.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Isobel is of a rather nervous disposition, and driving behind Bob, our
-horse, had tended to eliminate any latent speed mania she may have ever
-had, for Bob is not a rapid horse. Of course, Isobel drove the horse at a
-trot occasionally, but that was when she wanted to go slower than a walk,
-for Bob was what may be called an upright trotter—one of those
-horses that trot like a grasshopper: the harder they trot the higher they
-rise in the air, and the less ground they cover. When Bob was in fine
-fettle, as we horsemen say, he could trot for hours with a perpendicular
-motion, like a sewing machine needle, and remain in one identical spot the
-whole time. He could trot tied to a post. Sometimes when he was feeling
-his oats he could trot backward.
-</p>
-<p>
-I suppose that when I mentioned automobile Isobel had a vision of a
-bright-red car about twenty-five feet long, with a tonnage like an ocean
-steamer, and a speed of one hundred and ten miles an hour—one of the
-machines that flash by with a wail of agony and kill a couple of men just
-around the next corner. But Millington's automobile was not that kind. It
-was a tried and tested affair. It had been in a Christian family for five
-years, and was well broken. Nor was it a long automobile; it was one of
-the shortest automobiles I have ever seen; indeed, I do not think I ever
-saw such a short automobile. “Short and high” seemed to have been the
-maker's motto, and he had lived up to it. He couldn't have made the
-automobile any shorter without having cogs on the tires, so they could
-overlap. If the automobile had been much shorter the rear wheels would
-have been in front of the fore wheels. But what it lacked in length it
-made up in altitude. It averaged pretty well, multiplying the height by
-the length. It was the type known in the profession as the “camel type.”
- When in action it had a motion somewhat like a camel, too, but more like a
-small boat on a wintry, wind-tossed sea. But, ah! the engine! There was a
-noble heart in that weak body! When the engine was in average knocking
-condition, one knew when it started. In two minutes after the engine
-started the driver was on the ground; if he did not become dizzy, sitting
-at such a height, and fall off, the engine shook him off.
-</p>
-<p>
-But, if Isobel did not take kindly to the idea of owning Millington's
-automobile, Rolfs seemed glad I was going to buy it.
-</p>
-<p>
-“You won't be everlastingly asking me to take a little run up to Port
-Lafayette,” he said. “For years before you moved out here Millington
-bothered the life out of me, and I cannot bear riding in automobiles. I
-hate them worse than that hired man of yours does. How does he like the
-idea?”
- </p>
-<p>
-I told him, rather haughtily, that I did not usually consult Mr. Prawley
-when I bought automobiles. Then Rolfs said he thought, usually, it was
-just as well for an ignorant man to consult some one, but that he knew
-Millington's automobile was a good one. He said he knew the man that had
-owned the machine ten or twelve years before Millington bought it. He said
-that every one knew that machines of that make that were made in 1895 were
-extremely durable. He said he remembered about this one particularly,
-because it was the period when milk shakes were the popular drink, and his
-friend used to make his own. He said his friend would put the ingredients
-in a bottle, and tie the bottle to the automobile seat, and then start the
-engine for a minute or two, and the milk would be completely shaken. So
-would his friend.
-</p>
-<p>
-Rolfs asked me to let him know when I brought the automobile over from
-Millington's. I had no difficulty in doing so. When I ran that automobile
-the only difficulty was in concealing the fact that it was arriving
-anywhere and in getting it to arrive. Often it preferred not to arrive at
-all, but when it did arrive, it gave every one notice. Isobel never had to
-wonder whether I was arriving in my machine, or whether it was some
-visitor in another machine. Under my regime my machine had a sweet,
-purring sound like a road-roller loaded with scrap iron crossing a
-cobblestone bridge. When the engine was going and the car was not, it
-sounded like giant fire-crackers exploding under a dish pan.
-</p>
-<p>
-The very day I purchased the car and brought it into my yard Mr. Prawley
-came to me and told me he had a very important communication to make. He
-said his poor old mother was sick, and he would like a month's vacation.
-He added that he imagined the automobile would last about twenty-nine
-days. As he said this his lean, villainous face wore a look of fear, and
-when I told him he could have the vacation, he departed, walking backward,
-keeping one eye on the automobile all the while.
-</p>
-<p>
-But the automobile did not behave in the bewitched manner for me that it
-had for Millington. It did not repair itself over night at all. If
-anything it deteriorated.
-</p>
-<p>
-Oddly enough, now that the automobile was quite tame, Isobel, who usually
-has perfect confidence in me, declined to ride in it. But frequently we
-took rides together, driving side by side, she in her buggy behind Bob,
-and I in my automobile, and, occasionally, when the road was rough and the
-engine working well, I would drop in on her unexpectedly. But not always.
-Sometimes I fell off on the other side.
-</p>
-<p>
-I found these little trips very pleasant and exceedingly good for a torpid
-liver—if I had had one—and I enjoyed having Isobel with me,
-especially when we came to bits of sandy road where the rear wheels of my
-automobile would revolve uselessly, as if for the mere pleasure of
-revolving.
-</p>
-<p>
-Then I would unhitch Bob from the buggy and hitch him to the automobile,
-and he would tow me over the sandy stretch, aided by the engine. It was a
-pretty picture to see this helpfulness, one to the other, especially when
-my engine was palpitating in its wild, vibratory manner, and Bob was
-trotting at full speed, while I fell out of the automobile, first on one
-side and then on the other.
-</p>
-<p>
-Isobel enjoyed these little moments exceedingly and often I had to go back
-to her, after I had passed the sandy spot, and pat her on the back until
-she could get her breath again. She had to admit that she had never
-imagined she could get so much pleasure out of an automobile. But it was
-that kind of an automobile—any one could get more pleasure out of it
-than in it.
-</p>
-<p>
-I myself found that after the first novelty wore off automobiling became a
-bore. As a method of securing pleasure the cost per gallon to each unit of
-joy was too high, in that machine. Riding in my machine was not what is
-called “joy riding.” It was more like a malady.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0013" id="linkimage-0013"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/237.png" alt="237" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-Of course we never attempted a long tour, like that to Port Lafayette,
-which is eleven miles from Westcote, and it was about the time my tire
-troubles began that I thought of domesticating my automobile. I remember
-with what pride I discovered my first puncture. Every automobile owner of
-my acquaintance had tire troubles, and I had never had any, and I felt
-slighted. Sometimes I felt tempted to take an awl and puncture a tire
-myself, so I, too, could talk about my tire troubles, but I had a feeling
-that that would be unprofessional. I had never heard of any real sporty
-automobilist punching holes in his tires with awls; in fact they seemed to
-consider there was no particular pleasure in punctured tires. That was the
-way they talked—as if a puncture was a misfortune—but I knew
-better. I could hear the undercurrent of pride in their voices as they
-announced: “Well, I had three punctures and two blow-outs yesterday. I was
-running along slowly, about fifty-five miles an hour, between Oyster Bay
-and Huntington, when—” And then the next man would pipe up and say:
-“Yes? Well, I beat that. I was speeding a little—not much, but about
-sixty miles an hour—on the Jericho Turnpike last night, and all four
-tires—” And through it all I had to sit silent. I longed to be able
-to say: “I was speeding along yesterday at about half a mile an hour, the
-machine going better than usual, when suddenly I jumped out and stuck my
-penknife into the forward, left-hand tire—” I had never had a
-puncture. I was not in their class.
-</p>
-<p>
-But my turn came. I was speeding a little—about one city block every
-five minutes—on Thirteenth Street, when my sparker stopped sparking.
-When your engine misses fire there are six hundred and forty-two things
-that may be the matter, and after you have tested the six hundred and
-forty-two, it may be an entirely new six hundred and forty-third trouble.
-I have known a man to try the full six hundred and forty-two remedies
-unavailingly, and then sigh and wipe his goggles, and the engine began
-working beautifully. And it was only by chance—pure chance—that
-he happened to wipe his goggles. Probably he had not wiped them for years.
-But after that the first thing he did when his engine did not fire was to
-wipe them. And never, never again did it have the least effect on the
-engine. That is one of the peculiar things about an automobile. And there
-are nine hundred and ninety-nine other peculiar things, each of which is
-more peculiar than all the rest.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="linkimage-0014" id="linkimage-0014"> </a>
-</p>
-<div class="fig" style="width:80%;">
-<img src="images/243.png" alt="243" width="100%" /><br />
-</div>
-<p>
-I had just taken my automobile apart to discover why the engine did not
-work, and the various pieces of its anatomy were scattered up and down the
-street for a block or more, and I was hunting up another piece to take
-out, when I noticed that one of my tires was flat. I had a puncture! I
-suppose I would have thrilled with joy at any other time, but just after a
-man has dissected his automobile is no time for him to thrill. He has
-other things to amuse him. I have even known a man who had just discovered
-that his last battery had gone dead to swear a little when he discovered
-that two tires had also gone flat.
-</p>
-<p>
-It was when I was pumping up that new inner tube that I decided to
-domesticate my automobile. It seemed to be a shame to take such a delicate
-piece of machinery out on the rough, unfeeling road, and I remembered that
-Rolfs had told me of a Philadelphia friend of his who had half
-domesticated his automobile. Rolfs said that once, when he was foolish, he
-had ridden half an hour, out to his friend's farm, and there the
-automobile was jacked up and a belt attached to one of the rear wheels,
-and in less than five minutes the car was doing duty as a piece of farm
-machinery, running a feed cutter. Rolfs said it was great. He said it was
-the only time he ever felt satisfied that an automobile was getting what
-it deserved. He said that all the men had to do was to keep the
-fodder-cutter fed with fodder, and that it kept two farm hands busy. He
-said I ought to get some fodder and cut it that way and stop being an
-obstruction in the public highways. He suggested that I get some wood and
-saw wood with the automobile, or get some apples and make cider. He
-suggested a thousand things I could do with the automobile, and not one of
-them was riding in it.
-</p>
-<p>
-I had tried riding in it myself, and after owning it a week or two I
-decided it was just the kind of automobile that was meant to do general
-household work. So I domesticated it.
-</p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-XII. MR. PRAWLEY RETURNS
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>ARY was one of the most faithful servants a family ever had. Her
-faithfulness deserves this monument. She was a Pole and she could not
-pronounce her own name. She tried to pronounce it the first day she came
-to us, but along toward the sixth or seventh syllable she became confused
-and had to give it up. She said it was Schneider in English. Perhaps the
-reason she remained with us so long was because she had brought her Polish
-name with her, and it was too much trouble to move it from place to place.
-When she once got in a place, she liked to stay there. But “Schneider” was
-about the only English word she knew, and this made it a little difficult
-to explain to her that I had domesticated the automobile and would allow
-her to use it on wash day. I had to make a picture of it, and even then
-she seemed rather doubtful about it.
-</p>
-<p>
-As a matter of fact it was all very simple, but Mary Schneider was stupid.
-We already had the washing machine, and we had the automobile, and it was
-only necessary to connect the rear wheel of the automobile with the drive
-wheel of the washing machine by means of a belt, jack up the rear axle of
-the automobile, and start the engine. I hoped in time to go further than
-this and hitch up the coffee mill, the carpet-sweeper, the ice-cream
-freezer, and all our other household machinery, and then Mary Schneider
-would have a very easy time of it. She could have sat in the automobile
-with her hands on the speed levers and the work would have done itself.
-But Mary would not sit in the automobile. She tried to explain that she
-had seen me sit in it and that the Schneiders, as a family, had very
-brittle bones and could not afford to fall out of automobiles of such
-height, but I could not understand what she was saying. I only understood
-that she said she would give notice immediately if she had to sit in that
-automobile while the palpitator was jiggering.
-</p>
-<p>
-I had a feeling that all this was mere diffidence on her part, and that
-when she once saw how easy it all was she would be delighted with it. So I
-jacked up the rear axle of the car in my backyard, and attached the
-clothesline as a belt to the rear wheel and to the drive wheel of the
-washing machine. I remained at home one Monday morning especially to do
-this, and Isobel thought it was very kind of me. She said she was sure
-Mary could do it, and would be glad to, after she had once seen how it was
-done.
-</p>
-<p>
-Mary put the soap in the washing machine, and the hot water, and the
-clothes, and I started the automobile engine. It was all I had hoped.
-Never, never had I seen clothes washed so rapidly. Luckily I had thought
-to nail the legs of the washing machine to the floor of the back porch.
-This steadied the washing machine and kept it from jumping more than it
-did. Of course, some vibration was conveyed along the rope belt from the
-automobile, and Mary had to hasten to and fro bringing more hot water to
-refill the washing machine. It was like a storm at sea, or a geyser, or a
-large hot fountain. When we had the automobile going at full speed the
-water hardly entered the washing machine before it dashed madly out again.
-</p>
-<p>
-Isobel had to help by putting more clothes in the washing machine. It used
-up clothes as rapidly as Rolf's friend's fodder-cutter used up fodder, but
-I think it cut the clothes into smaller pieces. We discovered this when we
-hunted up the clothes later. We did not notice it at the time. All was
-excitement.
-</p>
-<p>
-It was a proud moment for me. The engine was running as well as it ever
-did, the dasher of the washing machine was dashing to and fro with hot
-water, and Mrs. Rolfs and Mrs. Millington were cheering us on. I began to
-believe we would break all records for clothes washing if Mary and Isobel
-could only keep water and clothes in the washing machine. Just then I fell
-out of the automobile.
-</p>
-<p>
-Possibly the sudden removal of my weight had an effect. It may have been
-that my head in striking one of the rear wheels moved the axle. Of this I
-can never be sure. The rear axle unjacked itself, and as the rear wheels
-touched the ground the automobile darted away. I was just able to touch
-the washing machine as it hurried by, but it did not wait for me to secure
-a firm hold, and it went on its way. But Mary was faithful to the last.
-She—ignorant though she was—knew that the weekly wash should
-not dash off in this manner. She—although but a Pole, knew her duty
-and did it. Mary hung onto the washing machine. Whither the wash went she
-was going. And so she did. Rapidly, too.
-</p>
-<p>
-The rear porch was not badly damaged. Only those boards to which the
-washing machine had been nailed went with it, but where the automobile
-went through the back fence we had to make extensive repairs. But it was
-all for the best. If the automobile had not made a hole in the fence Mary
-could not have gone through. Of course, she could have gone around by the
-gate, but she would have lost time, and she was not losing any time.
-Neither was the washing machine. The automobile did not gain an inch on
-it, and sometimes when the washing machine made a good jump it overtook
-the automobile. So did Mary.
-</p>
-<p>
-I saw then that I had not thoroughly domesticated the automobile. As we
-stood and watched the automobile and the washing machine and Mary dashing
-rapidly away in the distance, we felt that the automobile was still a
-little too wild for household use, but I fully believed the automobile
-would be tame enough before it reached home again. A young, strong
-automobile may be able to take cross country runs without ill effects, but
-an elderly automobile, like the one I bought of Millington, cannot dash
-across country towing a washing machine and a Polish servant, whose name
-is Schneider in English, without danger to its constitution. I do not
-blame the washing machine—it could not let go, it was belted on—but
-if Mary had had presence of mind she would have released her grasp when
-she found the strain was too much for the automobile. But it is strange
-how differently the minds of male and female run. As I watched the
-automobile disappear over the edge of the hill I said:
-</p>
-<p>
-“Isobel, I guess that ends that automobile,” But Isobel said:
-</p>
-<p>
-“John, I am afraid we have lost Mary.” And yet that automobile and that
-Pole were the last two in the world I should ever have suspected of
-running away with each other. She came back later in the day, but she did
-not say much. She packed her trunk and took her wages, and remarked a
-remark that sounded like the English word Schneider translated into
-Polish. The washing machine did not return.
-</p>
-<p>
-When Millington came out to the fence that evening I told him that I was
-done with automobiling, and that the automobile was probably mashed to
-flinders. He had been looking bad, but he brightened at the words.
-</p>
-<p>
-“John,” he said, “if that automobile is wrecked as badly as it should be
-after running wild with a tail of washing machines and
-Schneiders-in-English, I'll buy it back. I'll give—I'll give you
-five dollars for it.”
- </p>
-<p>
-He must have seen the eagerness in my eyes, for he remarked quickly:
-</p>
-<p>
-“I'll give you two dollars and forty-five cents for it!”
- </p>
-<p>
-“I'll take it!” I said instantly.
-</p>
-<p>
-“It is mine!” said Millington, and he handed over the money.
-</p>
-<p>
-As soon as it was in my pocket I heard a rustling in the currant bushes at
-my left, and Mr. Prawley raised his head above them.
-</p>
-<p>
-“Mother's well again,” he said. “I've come back!”
- </p>
-<p>
-<br /><br />
-</p>
-<hr />
-<p>
-<a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> </a>
-</p>
-<div style="height: 4em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-<h2>
-XIII. MILLINGTON'S MOTOR MYSTERY
-</h2>
-<p class="pfirst"><span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>ILLINGTON and I hunted up the automobile the next day, and it was in
-worse condition than I had imagined. The only way the car could be got
-back to his garage was on a truck, but we got it there, and unloaded it,
-and Millington hunted up all his tools and got them ready to use the next
-day. It was late by that time, and we locked the garage and went to bed.
-</p>
-<p>
-All night I worried over having taken two dollars and forty-five cents
-from Millington for that collection of old metal that had been a
-motor-car, and as early as possible the next morning I took the money and
-went over to Millington's. I found him just going out to the garage, and
-he positively refused to take back the money. He said the car was in just
-the condition he wanted it, and that if I hadn't knocked the witchery out
-of it no one could. He said he hoped—and just then he opened the
-garage door.
-</p>
-<p>
-There stood the automobile, on the very spot where we had left it, but
-there was not a scratch on it. Except that it was an ancient model, it
-might have been a brand new car. Even the brasswork had been polished, and
-at the first glance the tires seemed new, but we found they had only been
-carefully repaired and painted drab.
-</p>
-<p>
-Millington stood looking at the automobile a few minutes and then laughed.
-He turned to me with a strangely contorted face and said: “Uncle Tom, you
-are invited to take a ride with Cleopatra in my air-ship to-night at
-midnight.”
- </p>
-<p>
-Millington said this in a very calm voice, but he immediately followed it
-by asking me to have a piece of strawberry pie, and instead of pie he
-offered me the can of gear grease. I managed to coax him into the house,
-and when the doctor arrived he advised absolute rest. He said Millington's
-brain was not yet permanently affected, but that another such shock would
-be too much for him. He said that for the present we must humour him, and
-try to make him believe that the automobile was damaged beyond recovery.
-It seemed to have a soothing effect, and to aid his recovery I got into
-the car, ran it into the street, aimed it at a stone wall opposite
-Millington's window, threw on the high speed, and jumped to one side. One
-minute later the machine was afire, and half an hour later little was left
-of it but the metal parts, and they were badly warped.
-</p>
-<p>
-Mr. Prawley came out when he saw the fire, and a look of the most fiendish
-joy glittered in his eyes. Never have I seen a man show such pleasure over
-the destruction of an automobile. His hatred of automobiles seemed to be
-endless and bottomless.
-</p>
-<p>
-When I told Millington that his automobile was now in about as bad
-condition as man could put it into, he sat up in bed, and the light of
-sanity came into his eyes. He walked to the window and looked out at the
-car, and became his old cheerful self again. He said that there was no
-doubt now that the devils in the car had been exorcised, and that with a
-few weeks work he could get it back into such shape that the engine would
-be working properly, and we would then, he said take that little run up to
-Port Lafayette. He then took a little nourishment, and by night he was
-quite himself again. When he had had his dinner I went home and had mine,
-and went to bed at once, for I knew Millington would be at work soon after
-sun-up.
-</p>
-<p>
-I had hardly got into bed, however, when I began to fear that Millington's
-eagerness would get the best of him, and at ten o'clock I went over to his
-house. I found him in bed and awake and cheerful, but he said he did not
-mean to get up. He said it was against his policy to get up the day before
-in order to be up the next day, so I sat by his bed and read chapters from
-a dear little work of fiction entitled “Easy Remedies for Ignition
-Troubles,” until the clock struck twelve, and then Millington hopped out
-of bed and threw on his clothes.
-</p>
-<p>
-The moment we stepped from the back door the same thing struck us both
-with surprise. There was a light in the garage!
-</p>
-<p>
-My first thought was that some rascal was in the garage trying to ruin
-Millington's automobile, but a second thought assured me this was
-impossible. Ruin could be carried no farther than I had carried it.
-Bidding Millington be silent, I crept cautiously toward the garage, with
-Millington at my heels, and without a sound we peered in at the window.
-The sight was one that would have shaken the strongest man.
-</p>
-<p>
-Bending over the motor, with his face made unearthly by the artificial
-light that fell upon it obliquely, casting deep shadows, was that villain,
-Mr. Prawley! I have never seen anything so devilish as that wretch as he
-worked with inhuman agility and haste. His long, claw-like fingers danced
-from one part of the machine to another fiendishly, and a hideous grin
-distorted his features. He was humming some weird tune, and I noted that
-he was ambidextrous, for he was varnishing the hood with one hand while
-with the other he was putting in a new spark plug. A tremor of horror
-passed over Millington and over me at the same moment. A few whispered
-words, a few stealthy steps, and we burst in and seized Mr. Prawley by the
-arms. In a moment we had him on the floor of the garage, bound hand and
-foot.
-</p>
-<p>
-Millington was for wreaking immediate vengeance on him, but I stood firmly
-for a more lawful course, and the next day we handed him over to the
-authorities, and his whole miserable story came out. His name was not Mr.
-Prawley at all. Neither was it Alonzo Duggs, which was the name he he had
-given us when Isobel and I hired him. His name was William Alexander
-Vandergribbin. He came of good family, but mania for speeding automobiles
-had brought him to ruin, and the third time he was arrested for
-over-speeding a sentence of thirty years in the penitentiary had been
-pronounced by the judge. The judge, however, had suspended the sentence
-provided that William Alexander Vandergribbin never again touched an
-automobile.
-</p>
-<p>
-For several years Vandergribbin fought down his appetite. Then he fell. He
-changed his name to Flossy Zozo, and secured a job as the death-defying
-loop-the-gappist with the big show. For a time the speeding down the
-runway in the fake automobile, with the somersault at the bottom of the
-run, appeased his cravings, but the rules of the show prohibited him from
-tinkering with the fake automobile, which was strictly in charge of the
-property man, and Vandergribbin left the show, changed his name to Alonzo
-Duggs, and seeking our quiet town, chose work in the house nearest the man
-owning the oldest automobile. For weeks he had watched his opportunity—you
-know the rest. He is now in Sing Sing.
-</p>
-<p>
-I am sorry to end this story so abruptly, but Millington has just come
-over to ask if I would not like to take a little run out to Port
-Lafayette. I have always wanted to go to Port Lafayette, which is about
-eleven miles from here; so, if you will excuse me, I will go and button
-Isobel's matinee gown, and we will be off.
-</p>
-<h3>
-END
-</h3>
-<div style="height: 6em;">
-<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
-</div>
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-<pre>
-
-
-
-
-
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