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diff --git a/old/44151-8.txt b/old/44151-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index fc1d9fc..0000000 --- a/old/44151-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3247 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Perkins of Portland, by Ellis Parker Butler - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Perkins of Portland - Perkins The Great - -Author: Ellis Parker Butler - -Release Date: November 10, 2013 [EBook #44151] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERKINS OF PORTLAND *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger - - - - - - -PERKINS OF PORTLAND - -PERKINS THE GREAT - -By Ellis Parker Butler - -BOSTON HERBERT B. TURNER & CO. 1906 - - - - - -I. MR. PERKINS OF PORTLAND - -THERE was very little about Perkins that was not peculiar. To mention -his peculiarities would be a long task; he was peculiar from the ground -up. His shoes had rubber soles, his hat had peculiar mansard ventilators -on each side, his garments were vile as to fit, and altogether he had -the appearance of being a composite picture. - -We first met in the Golden Hotel office in Cleveland, Ohio. I was -reading a late copy of a morning paper and smoking a very fairish sort -of cigar, when a hand was laid on my arm. I turned and saw in the chair -beside me a beaming face. - -"Just read that!" he said, poking an envelope under my nose. "No, no!" -he cried; "on the back of it." - -What I read was: - -"Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster Makes all pains and aches fly faster." - -"Great, isn't it?" he asked, before I could express myself. "That first -line, 'Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster,' just takes the cake. And the -last line! That is a gem, if I do say it myself. Has the whole story in -seven words. 'All pains and aches!' Everything from sore feet to -backache; all the way from A to Z in the dictionary of diseases. -Comprehensive as a presidential message. Full of meat as a refrigerator- -car. 'Fly faster!' Faster than any other patent med. or dope would make -them fly. 'Makes!' They've got to fly! See? 'Perkins's Patent Porous -Plaster MAKES all pains and aches fly faster,' 'makes ALL pains and -aches fly faster,' 'makes all pains and aches fly FASTER.' Isn't she a -beaut.? Say, you can't forget that in a thousand years. You'll find -yourself saying it on your death-bed: - - "'Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster - Makes all pains and aches fly faster.'" - -I held the envelope toward him, but he only tapped it with his finger. - -"There is a fortune in those two lines," he said. "I know it I'm -Perkins, known from Maine to California as Perkins of Portland, Perkins -the Originator. I have originated more ads. than any man living. See -that shoe? It's the 'Go-lightly' kind. I originated the term. See this -hat? It's Pratt's. 'Pratt's Hats Air the Hair.' I originated that ad. -Result, six million pair of the Go-lightly kind of shoes sold the first -year. Eight million Pratt's Hats sold on the strength of 'Air-the-Hair.' -See this suit? I originated the term 'Ready-tailored.' Result, a boom -for the concern. Everybody crazy for Ready-tailored clothes. It's all in -the ad. The ad.'s the thing. Say, who originated 'up-to-date in style, -down-to-date in price?' I did. Made half a million for a collar concern -on that. See that fringe on those pants? And to think that the man who's -wearing them has made millions! Yes, millions--for other guys. But he's -done. It's all off with Willie. Now Willie is going to make money for -himself. Mr. Perkins of Portland is going to get rich. Are you with -him?" - -"How is the plaster?" I asked, for there was something taking about -Perkins. "Is it good for anything?" - -"Plaster!" he said. "Bother the plaster! The ad.'s all right, and that's -the main thing. Give me a good ad., and I'll sell lead bullets for -liver pills. Display 'Perkins's Bullets Kill the Disease' in all the -magazines, and in a year every person with or without a liver would be -as full of lead as a printer's case. Paint it on ten thousand barns, and -the inhabitants of these glorious States would be plugged up like Mark -Twain's frog. Now I have here an ad. that is a winner. Give me fifty -thousand dollars, and we will have every man, woman, and child in -America dreaming, thinking, and wearing Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster. -We will have it in every magazine, on every barn, fence, and rock, in -the street-cars, on highways and byways, until the refrain will ring in -sixty million American heads-- - - "'Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster - Makes all pains and aches fly faster." - -"But, my dear sir," I said, "is the plaster good?" - -Mr. Perkins of Portland leaned over and whispered in my ear, "There is -no plaster." - -"What?" I cried. - -"Not yet," he said, "that will come later. We will get that later. Law -of supply and demand, you know. When there is a demand, there always -turns up a supply to fill it. See the point? You look bright. See this. -We advertise. Get, say, fifty thousand orders at ten dollars each; -total, five hundred thousand dollars. What next? We sell out. We go to -some big concern. 'Here,' we say--'Here is an article advertised up to -the handle. Here are orders for five hundred thousand dollars' worth. -Thing on the boom. Give us two hundred thousand cash, and get up your -old plaster, and fill the orders. Thanks. Good day.' See? They get a -well-established business. We get a clear profit of one hundred and -fifty thousand. What next? We get up another ad. Invest our whole -capital. Sell out for a million. Invest again, sell out again. In ten -years we can buy Manhattan Island for our town-seat and Chicago for our -country-seat. The richest firm in the world--Perkins and--" - -"Brown," I said, supplying the blank; "but I haven't fifty thousand -dollars, nor yet ten thousand." - -"What have you got?" he asked, eagerly. "Just five thousand." - -"Done!" Perkins cried. - -And the next day we had the trade-mark registered, and had made -contracts with all the Cleveland papers. - -"You see," said Perkins, "we are shy of money. We can't bill the -universe with a measly little five thou. We've got to begin small. Our -territory is Ohio. Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster shall be known to -every Buckeye, and we will sell out for twenty thousand." - -So we soon had the words, - - "Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster - Makes all pains and aches fly faster," - -on the fences and walls throughout Ohio. Every paper proclaimed the -same catchy couplet. One or two magazines informed the world of it. The -bill-boards heralded it. In fact, Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster was -in everybody's mouth, and bade fair to be on everybody's back as soon as -there was a Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster to put on those same backs. - -For Perkins was right. The backs seemed fairly to ache for plasters of -our making. From all over the State druggists wrote for terms; and we -soon kept two typewriters busy informing the anxious pharmacists that, -owing to the unprecedented demand, our factory was two months behind on -orders, and that "your esteemed favor will have our earliest attention, -and all orders will be filled in rotation at the earliest possible -moment." Each day brought a deluge of letters, and we received several -quite unsolicited testimonials to the merits of Perkins's Patent Porous -Plaster. Perkins was radiant. - -Then he faded. - -He set out to sell the trade-mark, and failed! No one wanted it. Money -was tight, and patent medicines were a drug. - -Porous Plasters were dead. Perkins was worried. Day followed day; and -the orders began to decrease, while countermands began to arrive. We -had just two hundred dollars left, and bills for four thousand dollars' -worth of advertisements on our file. At last Perkins gave up. He -came in, and leaned despondently against my desk. Sorrow marked every -feature. - -"No use," he said, dolefully, "they won't bite. We have to do it." - -"What?" I asked; "make an assignment?" - -"Nonsense!" cried Perkins. "Fill those orders ourselves!" - -"But where can we get--" - -"The plasters?" Perkins scratched his head. He repeated softly, "Makes -all pains and aches fly faster," and swung one foot sadly. "That's it," -he said; "where?" - -The situation was becoming acute. We must have plasters quickly or fail. -A look of sadness settled on his face, and he dropped limply into a -chair. Instantly he sprang to his feet with a yell. He grasped the tail -of his coat and tugged and struggled. He had sat on a sheet of sticky -fly-paper, and he was mad, but even while he struggled with it, his -eyes brightened, and he suddenly darted out of the office door, with the -fly-paper rattling behind him. - -In two hours he returned. He had a punch such as harness-makers use to -punch holes in straps, a pair of scissors, and a smile as broad as his -face was long. - -"They will be here in ten minutes!" he cried. "Sit right down and write -to all of our ad. mediums to hold that ad. for a change. In one year we -will buy the soldiers' monument for a paper-weight, and purchase Euclid -Avenue for a bowling-alley! Get off your coat. I've ordered fifty -thousand paper boxes, one hundred thousand labels, and two hundred -thousand plasters. The first lot of boxes will be here to-morrow, and -the first batch of labels to-night. The plasters will be here in five -minutes. It's a wonder I didn't think of it when I wrote the ad. The new -ad. will sell two plasters to every one the old one sold." - -"Where in thunder--" I began. - -"At the grocery, of course," he cried, as if it were the most natural -place to find porous plasters. "I bought every wholesale grocer in town -out of 'em. Cleaned them plump up. I've got enough to fill all orders, -and some over. The finest in the land. Stick closer than a brother, -'feel good, are good,' as I wrote for a stocking concern. Stay on until -they wear off." - -He was right. The trucks soon began to arrive with the cases. They were -piled on the walk twenty high, they were piled in the street, we piled -our office full, and put some in the vacant room across the hall. There -were over a thousand cases of sticky fly-paper. - -We cut the sheets into thirds, and sprinkled a little cayenne pepper on -the sticky side with a pepper-shaker, and then punched holes in them. -Later we got a rubber stamp, and printed the directions for use on -each; but we had no time for that then. When the boxes began to arrive, -Perkins ran down and gathered in three newsboys, and constituted them -our packing force. By the end of the week we had our orders all filled. - -And our plasters stuck! None ever stuck better. They stuck forever. They -wouldn't peel off, they wouldn't wash off, they wouldn't scrape off. -When one wore off, it left the stickiness there; and the victim had -to buy another to paste on top of the old one before he could put on a -shirt. It was a huge success. - -We changed our ad. to read: - - "Perkins's Paper Porous Plaster - Makes all pains and aches fly faster," - -and branched out into the magazines. We sent a to Europe, and now -some of the crowned heads are wearing our plasters. You all remember -Stoneley's account of meeting a tribe of natives in the wilds of Africa -wearing nothing but Perkins's Paper Porous Plasters, and recall the -celebrated words of Rodriguez Velos, second understudy to the Premier of -Spain, "America is like Perkins's Paper Porous Plasters--a thing not to -be sat on." - -[Illustration: 30] - -Five months ago we completed our ten-story factory, and increased -our capital stock to two millions; and those to whom we offered the -trade-mark in our early days are green with regret. Perkins is abroad -now in his private yacht. Queer old fellow, too, for he still insists on -wearing the Go-lightly shoes and the Air-the-Hair hat, in spite of the -fact that he hasn't enough hair left to make a miniature paint-brush. - -I asked him before he left for his cruise when he was from,--Portland, -Me., or Portland, Oreg.,--and he laughed. - -"My dear boy," he said, "it's all in the ad. 'Mr. Perkins of Portland' -is a phrase to draw dollars. I'm from Chicago. Get a phrase built like a -watch, press the button, and the babies cry for it." - -That's all. But in closing I might remark that if you ever have any -trouble with a weak back, pain in the side, varicose veins, heavy -sensation in the chest, or, in fact, any ailment whatever, just remember -that - - Perkins's Paper Porous Plaster - Make all pains and aches fly faster. - - - - -II. THE ADVENTURE OF MR. SILAS BOGGS - -BEFORE my friend Perkins became famous throughout the advertising -world,--and what part of the world does not advertise,--he was at -one time a soliciting agent for a company that controlled the "patent -insides" of a thousand or more small Western newspapers. Later, my -friend Perkins startled America by his renowned advertising campaign -for Pratt's hats; and, instead of being plain Mr. Perkins of Chicago, he -blossomed into Perkins of Portland. Still later, when he put Perkins's -Patent Porous Plaster on the market, he became great; became Perkins the -Great, in fact; and now advertisers, agents, publishers, and the world -in general, bow down and worship him. But I love to turn at times from -the blaze of his present glory to those far-off days when he was still a -struggling amateur, just as we like to read of Napoleon's early history, -tracing in the small beginnings of their lives the little rivulets of -genius that later overwhelmed the world, and caused the universe to -pause in stupefaction. - -Who would have thought that the gentle Perkins, who induced Silas Boggs -to place a five-line ad. in a bunch of back-county weeklies, would ever -thrill the nation with the news that - -Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster Make all pains and aches fly faster, and -keep up the thrill until the Perkins Plaster was so to speak, in every -mouth! - -And yet these two men were the same. Plain Perkins, who urged and begged -and prayed Silas Boggs to let go of a few dollars, and Perkins the -Great, the Originator,--Perkins of Portland, who originated the Soap -Dust Triplets, the Smile that Lasts for Aye, Ought-to-hawa -Biscuit,--who, in short, is the father, mother, and grandparent of modern -advertising, are the selfsame Perkinses. From such small beginnings can -the world's great men spring. - -In the days before the kodak had a button to press while they do -the rest; even before Royal Baking Powder was quite so pure as -"absolutely,"--it was then about 99 99/100% pure, like Ivory Soap,--in -those days, I say, long before Soapine "did it" to the whale, Mr. Silas -Boggs awoke one morning, and walked out to his wood-shed in a pair of -carpet slippers. His face bore an expression of mingled hope and doubt; -for he was expecting what the novelists call an interesting event,--in -fact, a birth,--and, quite as much in fact, a number of births--anywhere -from five to a dozen. Nor was Silas Boggs a Mormon. He was merely the -owner of a few ravenous guinea-pigs. It is well known that in the matter -of progeny the guinea-pig surpasses the famous Soap Dust, although that -has, as we all know, triplets on every bill-board. - -Mr. Silas Boggs was not disappointed. Several of his spotted pets had -done their best to discountenance race suicide; and Silas, having put -clean water and straw and crisp lettuce leaves in the pens, began to -examine the markings of the newcomers, for he was an enthusiast on the -subject of guinea-pigs. He loved guinea-pigs as some connoisseurs -love oil paintings. He was fonder of a nicely marked guinea-pig than a -dilettante is of a fine Corot. And his fad had this advantage. You can -place a pair of oil paintings in a room, and leave them there for ages, -and you will never have another oil painting unless you buy one; but -if you place a pair of guinea-pigs in a room--then, as Rudyard says so -often, that is another story. - -Suddenly Mr. Silas Boggs stood upright and shouted aloud in joy. He -hopped around the wood-shed on one leg, clapping his hands and singing. -Then he knelt down again, and examined more closely the little spotted -creature that caused his joy. It was true, beyond doubt! One of his pigs -had presented him with something the world had never known before--a -lop-eared guinea-pig! His fame was sure from that moment. He would be -known to all the breeders of guinea-pigs the world over as the owner of -the famous lop-eared spotted beauty. He christened her Duchess on the -spot, not especially because duchesses have lop-ears, but because he -liked the name. That was in the days before people began calling things -Nearwool and Ka-bosh-ko and Ogeta Jaggon, and similar made-to-order -names. - -To Mr. Boggs, in the midst of his joy, came a thought; and he feverishly -raked out with his hands the remaining newly born guinea-piglets, -examining one after another. Oh, joy! He almost fainted! There was -another lop-eared pig in the litter; and, what filled his cup to -overflowing, he was able to christen the second one Duke! - -At that moment Perkins walked into the wood-shed. Perkins at that time -had a room in the Silas Boggs mansion, and he entered the wood-shed -merely to get an armful of wood with which to replenish his fire. - -"Well, Boggs," he remarked in his cheerful way--and I may remark that, -since Perkins has become famous, every advertising agent has copied his -cheerful manner of speech, so that the ad. man who does not greet you -with a smile no longer exists-- - -"Well, Boggs," he remarked, "more family ties, I see. Great thing, -family ties. What is home without sixty-eight guinea-pigs?" - -Silas Boggs grinned. "Perkins!" he gasped. "Perkins! Oh, Perkins! My -dear Perkins!" But he could get no farther, so overcome was he by his -emotions. It was fully ten minutes before he could fully and clearly -explain that the stork had brought him a pair--the only pair--of -lop-eared guinea-pigs; and in the meantime Perkins had loaded his left -arm with stove wood, and stood clasping it, overhand, with his right -arm. When Silas Boggs managed to tell his wonderful news, Perkins -dropped the armful of wood on the floor with a crash. - -"Boggs!" he cried, "Boggs! Now is your chance! Now is your golden -opportunity! Advertise, my boy, advertise!" - -"What?" asked Silas Boggs, in amazement. - -"I say--advertise!" exclaimed Perkins again. - -"And I say--advertise what?" said Silas Boggs. - -"Advertise what?" Perkins ejaculated. "What should you advertise, but -Silas Boggs's Celebrated Lop-eared Guinea-pigs? What has the world been -waiting and longing and pining for but the lop-eared guinea-pig? Why has -the world been full of woe and pain, but because it lacked lop-eared -guinea-pigs? Why are you happy this morning? Because you have lop-eared -guinea-pigs! Don't be selfish, Silas--give the world a chance. Let them -into the joy-house on the ground floor. Sell them lop-eared guinea-pigs -and joy. Advertise, and get rich!" - -Silas Boggs shook his head. - -"No!" he said. "No! I can't. I have only two. I'll keep them." - -Perkins seated himself on the wood-pile. - -"Silas," he said, "if I understand you, one of these lop-eared -guinea-pigs is a lady, and the other is a gentleman. Am I right?" - -"You are," remarked Silas Boggs. - -"And I believe the guinea-pigs usually marry young, do they not?" asked -Perkins. - -"They do," admitted Silas Boggs. - -"I think, if I am not mistaken," said Perkins, "that you have told me -they have large and frequent families. Is it so?" - -"Undoubtedly," agreed Silas Boggs. - -"And you have stated," said Perkins, "that those families many young and -have large and frequent families that also marry young and have large -and frequent families, have you not?" - -"I have! I have!" exclaimed Silas Boggs, beginning to warm up. - -"Then," said Perkins, "in a year you ought to have many, many lop-eared -guinea-pigs. Is that correct?" - -"I ought to have thousands!" cried Silas Boggs, in ecstasy. - -"What is a pair of common guinea-pigs worth?" asked Perkins. - -"One dollar," said Silas Boggs. "A lop-eared pair ought to be worth two -dollars, easily." - -"Two dollars!" cried Perkins. "Two fiddlesticks! Five dollars, you mean! -Why, man, you have a corner in lop-ears. You have all there are. Shake -hands!" - -The two men shook hands solemnly. Mr. Perkins was hopefully solemn. Mr. -Boggs was amazedly solemn. - -"I shake your hand," said Perkins, "because I congratulate you on your -fortune. You will soon be a wealthy man." He paused, and then added, "If -you advertise judiciously." - -There were real tears in the eyes of Silas Boggs, as he laid his arm -affectionately across Perkins's shoulders. - -"Perkins," he said, "I can never repay you. I can never even thank you. -I will advertise. I'll go right into the house and write out an -order for space in every paper you represent. How many papers do you -represent, Perkins?" - -Perkins coughed. - -"Perhaps," he said, gently, "we had better begin small. Perhaps we had -better begin with a hundred or so. There is no use overdoing it. I -have over a thousand papers on my list; and if the lop-eared brand -of guinea-pig shouldn't be as fond of large families as the common -guinea-pig is--if it should turn out to be a sort of fashionable -American family kind of guinea-pig, you know--you might have trouble -filling orders." - -But Silas Boggs was too enthusiastic to listen to calm advice. He waved -his arms wildly above his head. - -"No! no!" he shouted. "All, or none, Perkins! No half-measures with -Silas Boggs! No skimping! Give me the whole thousand! I know what -advertising is--I've had experience. Didn't I advertise for a position -as vice-president of a bank last year--and how many replies did I get? -Not one! Not one! Not one, Perkins! I know, you agents are always too -sanguine. But I don't ask the impossible. I'm easily satisfied. If I -sell one pair for each of the thousand papers I'll be satisfied, and -I'll consider myself lucky. And as for the lop-eared guinea-pigs--you -furnish the papers, and the guinea-pigs will do the rest!" - -Thus, in the face of Perkins's good advice, Silas Boggs inserted a small -advertisement in the entire list of one thousand country weeklies, and -paid cash in advance. To those who know Perkins the Great to-day, such -folly as going contrary to his advice in advertising matters would be -unthought of. His word is law. To follow his advice means success; to -neglect it means failure. - -He is infallible. But in those days, when his star was but rising above -the horizon, he was not, as he is now, considered the master and -leader of us all--the king of the advertising world--mighty giant of -advertising genius among the dwarfs of imitation. So Silas Boggs refused -his advice. - -The next month the advertisement of the Silas Boggs Lop-eared -Guinea-pigs began to appear in the weekly newspapers of the West. The -advertisement, although small, was well worded, for Perkins wrote it -himself. It was a gem of advertising writing. It began with a small cut -of a guinea-pig, which, unfortunately, appeared as a black blot in many -of the papers; but this, perhaps, lent an air of mystery to the cut that -it would not otherwise have had. The text was as follows: - -"The Celebrated Lop-eared Andalusian Guinea-pigs! Hardy and prolific! -One of nature's wonders! Makes a gentle and affectionate pet. For young -or old. YOU CAN MAKE MONEY by raising and selling Lop-eared Andalusian -Guinea-pigs. One pair starts you in business. Send money-order for $10 -to Silas Boggs, 5986 Cottage Grove Avenue, Chicago, HI., and receive a -healthy pair, neatly boxed, by express." - -To Silas Boggs the West had theretofore been a vague, colorless -expanse somewhere beyond the West Side of Chicago. Three days after his -advertisements began to appear, he awoke to the fact that the West is -a vast and mighty empire, teeming with millions of souls. And to Silas -Boggs it seemed that those souls had been sleeping for ages, only to -be called to life by the lop-eared Andalusian guinea-pig. The lop-eared -Andalusian guinea-pig was the one touch that made the whole West kin. -Mail came to him by tubfuls and basketfuls. People who despised and -reviled the common guinea-pig were impatient and restless because they -had lived so long without the sweet companionship of the lop-eared -Andalusian. From Tipton, Ia., and Vida, Kan., and Chenawee, Dak., -and Orangebloom, Cal., came eager demands for the hardy and prolific -lop-ear. Ministers of the gospel and babes in arms insisted on having -the gentle and affectionate Andalusian lop-eared guinea-pigs. - -The whole West arose in its might, and sent money-orders to Silas Boggs. -And Silas Boggs opened the letters as fast as he could, and smiled. He -piled the blue money-orders up in stacks beside him, and smiled. Silas -Boggs was one large, happy smile for one large, happy week. Then he -frowned a little. - -For all was not well with the lop-eared Andalusian guinea-pigs. They -were not as hardy as he had guaranteed them to be. They seemed to have -the pip, or glanders, or boll-weevil, or something unpleasant. The Duke -was not only lop-eared, but seemed to feel loppy all over. The Duchess, -in keeping with her name, evinced a desire to avoid common society, -and sulked in one corner of her cage. They were a pair of very effete -aristocrats. Silas Boggs gave them catnip tea and bran mash, or other -sterling remedies; but the far-famed lop-eared Andalusians pined away. -And, as Silas Boggs sat disconsolately by their side, he could hear the -mail-men relentlessly dumping more and more letters on the parlor floor. - -The West was just beginning to realize the desirability of having -lop-eared guinea-pigs at the moment when lop-eared guinea-pigs were on -the point of becoming as extinct as the dodo and mastodon. In a day or -two they became totally extinct, and the lop-eared Andalusian guinea-pig -existed no more. Silas Boggs wept. - -But his tears did not wash away the constantly increasing heaps of -orders. He ordered Perkins to withdraw his advertisement, but still the -orders continued to come, and Silas Boggs, assisted by a corps of young, -but industrious, ladies, began returning to the eager West the beautiful -blue money-orders; and, if anything sends a pang through a man's breast, -it is to be obliged to return a money-order uncashed. - -By the end of the month the incoming orders had dwindled to a few -thousand daily--about as many as Silas Boggs and his assistants could -return. By the end of the next month they had begun to make noticeable -inroads in the accumulated piles of orders; and in two months more the -floor was clear, and the arriving orders had fallen to a mere dribble -of ten or twelve a day, but the hair of Silas Boggs had turned gray, and -his face was old and wan. - -Silas Boggs gave away all his guinea-pigs--the sight of them brought on -something like a fit. He could not even bear to see a lettuce leaf -or cabbage-head. He will walk three blocks to avoid passing an animal -store, for fear he might see a guinea-pig in the window. Only a few days -ago I was praising a certain man to him, and happened to quote the line -from Burns,-- - - "Rank is but the guinea's stamp," - -but when I came to the word "guinea," I saw Silas Boggs turn pale, and -put his hand to his forehead. - -But he cannot escape the results of his injudicious advertising, even -at this day, so many years after. From time to time some one in the West -will unpack a trunk that has stood for years in some garret, and espying -a faded newspaper laid in the bottom of the trunk, will glance at -it curiously, see the advertisement of the lop-eared Andalusian -guinea-pigs, and send Silas Boggs ten dollars. - -For an advertisement, like sin, does not end with the day, but goes on -and on, down the mighty corridors of time, and, like the hall-boy in -a hotel, awakes the sleeping, and calls them to catch a train that, -sometimes, has long since gone, just as the lop-eared Andalusians have -gone. - - - - -III. THE ADVENTURE OF THE LAME AND THE HALT - -I HAD not seen Perkins for over two years, when one day he opened my -office door, and stuck his head in. I did not see his face at first, but -I recognized the hat. It was the same hat he had worn two years before, -when he put the celebrated Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster on the -market. - -"Pratt's Hats Air the Hair." You will remember the advertisement. It was -on all the bill-boards. It was Perkins, Perkins of Portland, Perkins -the Great, who conceived the rhyme that sold millions of the hats; and -Perkins was a believer in advertising and things advertised. So he -wore a Pratt hat. That was one of Perkins's foibles. He believed in the -things he advertised. - -"Get next to a thing," he would say. "Study it, learn to love it, use -it--then you will know how to boom it. Take Murdock's Soap. Perkins of -Portland boomed it. He bought a cake. Used it. Used it on his hands, -on his face, on his feet. Bought another cake--washed his cotton socks, -washed his silk tie, washed his woollen underwear. Bought another -cake--shaved with it, shampooed with it, ate it. Yes, sir, ate it! -Pure soap--no adulteration. No taste of rosin, cottonseed--no taste of -anything but soap, and lots of that. Spit out lather for a month! Every -time I sneezed I blew a big soap-bubble--perspired little soap-bubbles. -Tasted soap for a year! Result? Greatest ad. of the nineteenth century. -'Murdock's Soap is pure soap. If you don't believe it, bite it.' Picture -of a nigger biting a cake of soap on every billboard in U. S. A. Live -niggers in all the grocery windows biting cakes of Murdock's Soap. -Result? Five hundred thousand tons of Murdock's sold the first year. I -use no other." And so, from his "Go-lightly" shoes to his Pratt's -hat, Perkins was a relic of bygone favorites in dress. The result was -comical, but it was Perkins; and I sprang from my chair and grasped his -hand. - -"Perkins!" I cried. - -He raised his free hand with a restraining motion, and I noticed his -fingers protruded from the tips of the glove. - -"Say," he said, still standing on my threshold, "have you a little -time?" - -I glanced at my watch. I had twenty minutes before I must catch my -train. - -"I'll give you ten minutes," I said. - -"Not enough," said Perkins. "I want a year. But I'll take ten minutes on -account. Owe me the rest!" - -He turned and beckoned into the hall, and a small boy appeared carrying -a very large glass demijohn. Perkins placed the demijohn on a chair, and -stood back gazing at it admiringly. - -"Great, isn't it?" he asked. "Biggest demijohn made. Heavy as lead! Fine -shape, fine size! But, say--read that!" - -I bent down and read. The label said: "Onotowatishika Water. Bottled at -the spring. Perkins & Co., Glaubus, Ia." - -I began spelling out the name by syllables, "O--no--to--wat--" when -Perkins clapped me on the back. - -"Great, hey? Can't pronounce it? Nobody can. Great idea. Got old Hunyadi -Janos water knocked into a cocked hat. Hardest mineral water name on -earth. Who invented it? I did. Perkins of Portland. There's money in -that name. Dead loads of money. Everybody that can't pronounce it will -want it, and nobody can pronounce it--everybody'll want it. Must have -it. Will weep for it. But that isn't the best!" - -"No?" I inquired. - -"No!" shouted Perkins. "I should say 'no!' Look at that bottle. Look at -the size of it. Look at the weight of it Awful, isn't it? Staggers the -brain of man to think of carrying that across the continent! Nature -recoils, the muscles ache. It is vast, it is immovable, it is mighty. -Say!" - -Perkins grasped me by the coat-sleeve, and drew me toward him. He -whispered excitedly. - -"Great idea! O-no-to-what-you-may-call-it water. Big jug full. Jug -too blamed big. Yes? Freight too much. Yes? Listen--'Perkins Pays the -Freight!'" - -He sat down suddenly, and beamed upon me joyfully. - -The advertising possibilities of the thing impressed me immediately. -Who could resist the temptation of getting such a monstrous package of -glassware by freight free of charge? I saw the effect of a life-size -reproduction of the bottle on the bill-boards with "Perkins Pays the -Freight" beneath it in red, and the long name in a semicircle of -yellow letters above it. I saw it reduced in the magazine pages, in -street-cars--everywhere. - -"Great?" queried Perkins. - -"Yes," I admitted thoughtfully, "it is great." - -He was at my side in an instant. - -"Wonderful effect of difficulty overcome on the human mind!" he bubbled. -"Take a precipice. People look over, shudder, turn away. Put in a -shoot-the-chutes. People fight to get the next turn to slide down. Same -idea. People don't want O-no-to-thing-um-bob water. Hold on, 'Perkins -pays the freight!' All right, send us a demijohn!" - -I saw that Perkins was, as usual, right. - -"Very well," I said, "what do you want me to do about it?" - -Perkins wanted a year of my time, and all the money I could spare. -He mentioned twenty thousand dollars as a little beginning--a sort of -starter, as he put it. I had faith in Perkins, but twenty thousand was a -large sum to put into a thing on the strength of a name and a phrase. I -settled myself in my chair, and Perkins put his feet up on my desk. He -always could talk better when his feet were tilted up. Perhaps it sent a -greater flow of blood to his brain. - -"Now about the water?" I asked comfortably. - -"Vile!" cackled Perkins, gleefully. "Perfectly vile! It is the worst you -ever tasted. You know the sulphur-spring taste? Sort of bad-egg aroma? -Well, this O-no-to-so-forth water is worse than the worst. It's a -bonanza! Say! It's sulphur water with a touch of garlic." He reached -into his pocket, and brought out a flask. The water it contained was -as clear and sparkling as crystal. He removed the cork, and handed the -flask to me. I sniffed at it, and hastily replaced the cork. - -Perkins grinned with pleasure. - -"Fierce, isn't it?" he asked. "Smells as if it ought to cure, don't it? -Got the real old style matery-medica-'pothecary-shop aroma. None of your -little-pill, sugar-coated business about O-no-to-cetera water. -Not for a minute! It's the good old quinine, ipecac, calomel, -know-when-you're-taking-dose sort. Why, say! Any man that takes a dose -of that water has got to feel better. He deserves to feel better." - -I sniffed at the flask again, and resolutely returned it to Perkins. - -"Yes," I admitted, "it has the full legal allowance of smell. There's -no doubt about it being a medicinal water. Nobody would mistake it for -a table water, Perkins. A child would know it wasn't meant for perfume; -but what is it good for? What will it cure?" - -Perkins tilted his Pratt hat over one ear, and crossed his legs. - -"Speaking as one Chicago man to another," he said slowly, "what do you -think of rheumatism?" - -"If you want me to speak as man to man, Perkins," I replied, "I may say -that rheumatism is a mighty uncomfortable disease." - -"It's prevalent," said Perkins, eagerly. "It's the most prevalent -disease on the map. The rich must have it; the poorest can afford -it; the young and the old simply roll in it! Why, man," he exclaimed, -"rheumatism was made 'specially for O-no-to-so-forth water. There's -millions and millions of cases of rheumatism, and there's oceans and -oceans of Perkins's World-Famous O-no-to-what-you-call-it water. Great? -What will cure rheumatism? Nothing! What will O-no-to-so-on water cure? -Nothing! There you are! They fit each other like a foot in a shoe." - -He leaned back, and smiled. Then he waved his hand jauntily in the air. - -"But I'm not partial," he added. "If you can think of a better disease, -we'll cure it. Anything!" - -"Perkins," I said, "would you take this water for rheumatism?" - -"Would I? Say! If I had rheumatism I'd live on it. I'd drink it by the -gallon. I'd bathe in it--" - -He stopped abruptly, and a smile broke forth at one corner of his mouth, -and gradually spread over his face until it broke into a broad grin, -which he vainly endeavored to stifle. - -"Warm!" he murmured, and then his grin broadened a little, and he -muttered--"Lukewarm!"--and grinned again, and ran his hand through his -hair. He sat down and slapped his knee. - -"Say!" he cried, "Greatest idea yet! I'm a benefactor! Think of the poor -old people trying to drink that stuff! Think of them trying to force it -down their throats! It would be a sin to make a dog drink it!" - -He wiped an actual tear from his eye. - -"What if I had to drink it! What if my poor old mother had to drink it! -Cruelty! But we won't make 'em. We will be good! We will be generous! We -will be great! We will let them bathe in it. Twice a day! Morning and -night! Lukewarm! Why make weak human beings swallow it? And besides, -they'll need more! Think of enough O-no-to-so-forth water to swim in -twice a day, and good old Perkins paying the freight!" - -Without another word I reached over and clasped Perkins by the hand. It -was a silent communion of souls--of the souls of two live, up-to-date -Chicagoans. When the clasp was loosened, we were bound together in -a noble purpose to supply O-no-to-something water to a waiting, -pain-cursed world. We were banded together like good Samaritans to -supply a remedy to the lame and the halt. And Perkins paying the -freight. - -Then Perkins gave me the details. There were to be three of us in the -deal. There was a young man from Glaubus, Ia., in Chicago, running a -street-car on the North Side. He had been raised near Glaubus, and his -father had owned a farm; but the old man was no financier, and sold -off the place bit by bit, until all that was left was a forty-acre -swamp,--"Skunk Swamp," they called it, because of the rank water,-- -and when the old man died, the son came to Chicago to earn a living. He -brought along a flask of the swamp water, so that when he got homesick, -he could take out the cork, smell it, and be glad he was in Chicago, -instead of on the old place. Up in the corner of the swamp a spring -welled up; and that spring spouted Onotowatishika water day and night, -gallons, and barrels, and floods of it. - -But it needed a Perkins the Great to know its value. Perkins smelled -its value the first whiff he got. He had a rough map of Glaubus with the -Skunk Swamp off about a mile to the west. - -We patched up the deal the next day. The young fellow was to have a -quarter-interest, because he put in the forty acres, and Perkins put in -his time and talent for half the balance; and I got the remainder for my -time and money. We wanted the young fellow to take a third interest, and -put in his time, too; but he said that rather than go back to the old -place, he would take a smaller share, and get a job in some nice sweet -spot, like the stock-yards or a fertilizer factory. So Perkins and I -packed up, and went out to Glaubus. - -When we got within two miles of Glaubus, Perkins stuck his head out of -the car window, and drew it back, covered with smiles. - -"Smell it?" he asked. "Great! You can smell it way out here! Wait till -we get on the ground! It must be wonderful!" - -I did not wonder, when the train pulled up at the Glaubus Station, that -the place was a small, dilapidated village, nor that the inhabitants -wore a care-worn, hopeless expression. There was too much -Onoto-watishika water in the air. But Perkins glowed with joy. - -"Smell it?" he asked eagerly. "Great 'ad.!' You can't get away from it. -You can't forget it. And look at this town. Look at the bare walls! Not -a sign on any of them! Not a bill-board in the place! Not an 'ad.' of -any kind in sight! Perkins, my boy, this is heaven for you! This is pie -and nuts!" - -I must confess that I was not so joyous over the prospect. I began to -tire of Ono-towatishika water already. I suggested to Perkins that we -ought to have an agency in Chicago, and hinted that I knew all about -running agencies properly; but he said I would get used to the odor -presently, and in time come to love it and long for it when I was away -from it. I told him that doubtless he was right, but that I thought it -would do me good to go away before my love got too violent. But Perkins -never could see a joke, and it was wasted on him. He walked me right out -to the swamp, and stood there an hour just watching the water bubble up. -It seemed to do him good. - -There was no shanty in the village good enough for our office, so -that afternoon we bought a vacant lot next to the post-office for five -dollars, and arranged to have a building put up for our use; and then, -as there was nothing else for us to do, until the next train came along, -Perkins sat around thinking. And something always happened when Perkins -thought. - -In less than an hour Perkins set off to find the mayor and the -councilmen and a notary public. He had a great idea. - -They had a park in Glaubus,--a full block of weeds and rank growth,--and -Perkins showed the mayor what a disgrace that park was to a town of the -size and beauty of Glaubus. He said there ought to be a fountain and -walks and benches where people could sit in the evenings. The mayor -allowed that was so, but didn't see where the cash was to come from. - -Perkins told him. Here we are, he said, two public-spirited men come -over from Chicago to bottle up the old skunk spring, and make Glaubus -famous. Glaubus was to be our home, and already we had contracted for -a beautiful one-story building, with a dashboard front, to make it look -like two stories. If Glaubus treated us right, we would treat Glaubus -right. Didn't the mayor want to help along his city? - -The mayor certainly did, if he didn't have to pay out nothin'. - -All right, then, Perkins said, there was that old Skunk Swamp. We were -going to bottle up a lot of the water that came out of the spring and -ship it away; and that would help to clean the air, for the less water, -the less smell. All Perkins wanted was to have those forty acres of -swamp that we owned plotted as town lots, and taken in as the Glaubus -Land and Improvement Company's Addition to the town of Glaubus. It would -cost the village nothing; and, as fast as Perkins got rid of the lots, -the village could assess taxes on them, and the taxes would pay for the -park. - -The mayor and the council didn't see but what that was a square deal, -so they called a special meeting right there; and in half an hour we had -the whole thing under way. - -"But, Perky," I said, when we were on the train hurrying back to -Chicago, "how are you going to sell those lots? They are nothing but mud -and water, and no sane man would even think of paying money for them. -Why, if the lot next the post-office is worth five dollars, those lots -a mile away from it, and ten feet deep in mud, wouldn't be worth two -copper cents." - -"Sell?" said Perkins, sticking his hands deep into the pockets of his -celebrated "Baffin Bay" pants. "Sell? Who wants to sell? We'll give 'em -away! What does the public want? Something for nothing! What does it -covet? Real estate! All right, we give 'em real estate for nothing! A -lot in the Glaubus Land and Improvement Company's Addition to the town -of Glaubus free for ten labels soaked from O-no-to-thing-um-bob water -bottles. Send in your labels, and get a real deed for the lot, with a -red seal on it. And Perkins pays the freight!" - -Did it go? Does anything that Perkins the Great puts his soul into -go? It went with a rush. We looked up the rheumatism statistics of the -United States, and, wherever there was a rheumatism district, we billed -the barns and fences. We sent circulars and "follow-up" letters, and -advertised in local and county papers. We shipped the water by single -demijohns at first, and then in half-dozen crates, and then in car-lots. -We established depots in the big business centres, and took up magazine -advertising on a big scale. Wherever man met man, the catchwords, -"Perkins pays the freight," were bandied to and fro. "How can you afford -a new hat?" "Oh, 'Perkins pays the freight'!" - -The comic papers made jokes about it, the daily papers made cartoons -about it, no vaudeville sketch was complete without a reference to -Perkins paying the freight, and the comic opera hit of the year was the -one in which six jolly girls clinked champagne glasses while singing the -song ending: - - "To us no pleasure lost is, - And we go a merry gait; - We don't care what the cost is, - For Perkins pays the freight." - -As for testimonials, we scooped in twenty-four members of Congress, -eight famous operatic stars, eighty-eight ministers, and dead loads of -others. - -And our lots in the Glaubus Land and Improvement Company's Addition to -the town of Glaubus? We began by giving full-sized dwelling-house -lots. Then we cut it down to business-lot size; and, as the labels kept -pouring in, we reduced the lots to cemetery lot size. We had lot owners -in Alaska, Mexico, and the Philippines; and the village of Glaubus fixed -up its park, and even paved the main street with taxes. Whenever a lot -owner refused to pay his taxes, the deed was cancelled; and we split the -lot up into smaller lots, and distributed them to new label savers. - -We also sent agents to organize Rheumatism Clubs in the large cities. -That was Perkins's greatest idea, but it was too great. - -One morning as Perkins was opening the mail, he paused with a letter -open before him, and let his jaw drop. I walked over and laid my hand on -his shoulder. - -"What is it, Perky?" I asked. - -He lay back in his chair, and gazed at me blankly. Then he spoke. - -"The lame and the halt," he murmured. "They are coming. They are coming -here. Read it?" - -He pushed the letter toward me feebly. It was from the corresponding -secretary of the Grand Rapids Rheumatic Club. It said: - -"Gentlemen:--The members of the club have used Onotowatishika water for -over a year, and are delighted to testify to its merits. In fact, we -have used so much that each member now owns several lots in the -Glaubus Land and Improvement Company's Addition to the town of Glaubus; -and, feeling that our health depends on the constant and unremitting -use of your healing waters, we have decided as a whole to emigrate to -Glaubus, where we may be near the source of the waters, and secure them -as they arise bubbling from the bosom of Mother Earth. We have withheld -this pleasant knowledge from you until we had completed our arrangements -for deserting Grand Rapids, in order that the news might come to you as -a grateful surprise. We have read in your circulars of the beautiful -and natural advantages of Glaubus, and particularly of the charm of the -Glaubus Land and Improvement Company's Addition to the town of Glaubus, -and we will come prepared to rear homes on the land which has been -allotted to us. We leave to-day." - -I looked at Perkins. He had wilted. - -"Perky," I said, "cheer up. It's nothing to be sad about. But I feel -that I have been overworking. I'm going to take a vacation. I'm going to -Chicago, and I'm going to-day; but you can stay and reap the reward -of their gratitude. I am only a secondary person. You are their -benefactor." - -Perkins didn't take my remarks in the spirit in which they were meant. -He jumped up and slammed his desk-lid, and locked it, banged the door of -the safe, and, grabbing his Pratt hat, crushed it on his head. He gave -one quick glance around the office, another at the clock, and bolted for -the door. I saw that he was right. The train was due in two minutes; and -it was the train from Chicago on which the Grand Rapids Rheumatic Club -would arrive. - -When we reached the station, the train was just pulling in; and, as -we jumped aboard, the Grand Rapids delegation disembarked. Some had -crutches and some had canes, some limped and some did not seem to be -disabled. In fact, a good many seemed to be odiously able-bodied; and -there was one who looked like a retired coal-heaver. - -It was beautiful to see them sniffing the air as they stepped from the -train. They were like a lot of children on the morning of circus day. - -They gathered on the station platform, and gave their club yell; and -then one enthusiastic old gentleman jumped upon a box and shouted:-- - -"What's the matter with Perkins?" - -The club, by their loudly unanimous reply, signified that Perkins was -all right But as I looked in the face of Perkins the Great, I felt that -I could have given a more correct answer. I knew what was the matter -with Perkins. He wanted to get away from the vulgar throng. He wanted -that train to pull out And it did. - -As we passed out of the town limits, we heard the Grand Rapids Rheumatic -Club proclaiming in unison that Perkins was-- - - "First in peace! First in war! First in the hearts of his countrymen!" - -But that was before they visited their real estate holdings. - - - - -IV. THE ADVENTURE OF THE FIFTH STREET CHURCH - -AFTER that Glaubus affair, I did not see Perkins for nearly a year. He -was spending his money somewhere, but I knew he would turn up when it -was gone; and one day he entered my office hard up, but enthusiastic. - -"Ah," I said, as soon as I saw the glow in his eyes, "you have another -good thing? Am I in it?" - -"In it?" he cried. "Of course, you're in it! Does Perkins of Portland -ever forget his friend? Never! Sooner will the public forget that -'Pratt's Hats Air the Hair,' as made immortal by Perkins the Great! -Sooner will the world forget that 'Dill's Pills Cure All Ills,' as -taught by Perkins!" - -"Is it a very good thing, this time?" I asked. - -"Good thing?" he asked. "Say! Is the soul a good thing? Is a man's right -hand a good thing? You know it! Well, then, Perkins has fathomed the -soul of the great U. S. A. He has studied the American man. He has -watched the American woman. He has discovered the mighty lever that -heaves this glorious nation onward in its triumphant course." - -"I know," I said, "you are going to start a correspondence school of -some sort." - -Perkins sniffed contemptuously. - -"Wait!" he cried imperiously. - -"See the old world crumbling to decay! See the U. S. A. flying to the -front in a gold-painted horseless band-wagon! Why does America triumph? -What is the cause and symbol of her success? What is mightier than the -sword, than the pen, than the Gatling gun? What is it that is in every -hand in America; that opens the good things of the world for rich and -poor, for young and old, for one and all?" - -"The ballot-box?" I ventured. - -Perkins took something from his trousers pocket, and waved it in the -air. I saw it glitter in the sunlight before he threw it on my desk. I -picked it up and examined it. Then I looked at Perkins. - -"Perkins," I said, "this is a can-opener." He stood with folded arms, -and nodded his head slowly. - -"Can-opener, yes!" he said. "Wealth-opener; progress-opener!" He put -one hand behind his ear, and glanced at the ceiling. "Listen!" he said. -"What do you hear? From Portland, Maine, to Portland, Oregon; from the -palms of Florida to the pines of Alaska--cans! Tin cans! Tin cans being -opened!" - -He looked down at me, and smiled. - -"The back-yards of Massachusetts are full of old tin cans," he -exclaimed. "The gar-bage-wagons of New York are crowned with old tin -cans. The plains of Texas are dotted with old tin cans. The towns and -cities of America are full of stores, and the stores are full of cans. -The tin can rules America! Take away the tin can, and America sinks to -the level of Europe! Why has not Europe sunk clear out of sight? Because -America sends canned stuff to their hungry hordes!" He leaned forward, -and, taking the can-opener from my hand, stood it upright against my -inkstand. Then he stood back and waved his hand at it. - -"Behold!" he cried. "The emblem of American genius!" - -"Well," I said, "what are you going to sell, cans or can-openers?" - -He leaned over me and whispered. - -"Neither, my boy. We are going to give can-openers away, free gratis!" - -"They ought to go well at that price," I suggested. - -"One nickel-plated Perkins Can-opener free with every can of our goods. -At all grocers," said Perkins, ignoring my remark. - -"Well, then," I said, for I caught his idea, "what are we going to put -in the cans?" - -"What do people put in cans now?" asked Perkins. - -I thought for a moment. - -"Oh!" I said, "tomatoes and peaches and com, sardines, and salmon, -and--" - -"Yes!" Perkins broke in, "and codfish, and cod-liver oil, and kerosene -oil, and cottonseed-oil, and axle-grease and pie! Everything! But what -don't they put in cans?" - -I couldn't think of a thing. I told Perkins so. He smiled and made a -large circle in the air with his right forefinger. - -"Cheese!" he said. "Did you ever see a canned cheese?" - -I tried to remember that I had, but I couldn't. I remembered potted -cheese, in nice little stone pots, and in pretty little glass pots. - -Perkins sneered. - -"Yes," he said, "and how did you open it?" - -"The lids unscrewed," I said. - -Perkins waved away the little stone and the little glass pots. - -"No good!" he cried. "They don't appeal to the great American person. I -see," he said, screwing up one eye--"I see the great American person. It -has a nickel-plated, patent Perkins Can-opener in its hand. It goes into -its grocer shop. It asks for cheese. The grocer shows it plain cheese by -the slice. No, sir! He shows it potted cheese. No, sir! What the great -American person wants is cheese that has to be opened with a -can-opener. Good cheese, in patent, germ-proof, air-tight, water-tight, -skipper-tight cans, with a label in eight colors. Full cream, full -weight, full cans; picture of a nice clean cow and red-cheeked dairymaid -in short skirts on front of the label, and eight recipes for Welsh -rabbits on the back." He paused to let this soak into me, and then -continued: - -"Individual cheese! Why make cheese the size of a dish-pan? Because -grandpa did? Why not make them small? Perkins's Reliable Full Cream -Cheese, just the right size for family use, twenty-five cents a can, -with a nickel-plated Perkins Can-opener, free with each can. At all -grocers." - -That was the beginning of the Fifth Street Church, as you shall see. - -We bought a tract of land well outside of Chicago, and, to make it sound -well on our labels, we named it Cloverdale. This was Perkins's idea. -He wanted a name that would harmonize with the clean cow and the rosy -milkmaid on our label. - -We owned our own cows, and built our own dairy and cheese factory, and -made first-class cheese. As each cheese was just the right size to fit -in a can, and as the rind would protect the cheese, anyway, it was -not important to have very durable cans, so we used a can that was all -cardboard, except the top and bottom. Perkins insisted on having the top -and bottom of tin, so that the purchaser could have something to open -with a can-opener; and he was right. It appealed to the public. - -The Perkins cheese made a hit, or at least the Perkins advertising -matter did. We boomed it by all the legitimate means, in magazines, -newspapers, and street-cars, and on bill-boards and kites; and we got -out a very small individual can for restaurant and hotel use. It got to -be the fashion to have the waiter bring in a can of Perkins's cheese, -and show the diner that it had not been tampered with, and then open it -in the diner's sight. - -We ran our sales up to six hundred thousand cases the first year, and -equalled that in the first quarter of the next year; and then the cheese -trust came along, and bought us out for a cool eight-hundred thousand, -and all they wanted was the good-will and trade-mark. They had a factory -in Wisconsin that could make the cheese more economically. So we were -left with the Cloverdale land on our hands, and Perkins decided to make -a suburb of it. - -Perkins's idea was to make Cloverdale a refined and aristocratic suburb; -something high-toned and exclusive, with Queen Anne villas, and no -fences; and he was particularly strong on having an ennobling religious -atmosphere about it. He said an ennobling religious atmosphere was -the best kind of a card to draw to--that the worse a man was, the more -anxious he was to get his wife and children settled in the neighborhood -of an ennobling religious atmosphere. - -So we had a map of Cloverdale drawn, with wide streets running one -way and wide avenues crossing the streets at right angles, and our -old cheese factory in a big square in the centre of the town. It was -a beautiful map, but Perkins said it lacked the ennobling religious -atmosphere; so the first thing he did was to mark in a few churches. He -began at the lower left-hand corner, and marked in a church at the corner -of First Street and First Avenue, and put another at the corner of Second -Street and Second Avenue, and so on right up on the map. This made a -beautiful diagonal row of churches from the upper right-hand corner to -the lower left-hand corner of the map, and did not miss a street. Perkins -pointed out the advertising value of the arrangement: - - "Cloverdale, the Ideal Home Site. - A Church on Every Street. - Ennobling Religious Atmosphere. - Lots on Easy Payments." - -The old cheese factory was to be the Cloverdale Club-house, and we set -to work at once to remodel it. We had the stalls knocked out of the -cow-shed, and made it into a bowling-alley, and added a few cupolas and -verandas to the factory, and had the latest styles of wall-paper put on -the walls, and in a few days we had a first-class club-house. - -But we did not stop there. Perkins was bound that Cloverdale should be -first-class in every respect, and it was a pleasure to see him marking -in public institutions. Every few minutes he would think of a new -one and jot it down on the map; and every time he jotted down an -opera-house, or a school-house, or a public library, he would raise the -price of the lots, until we had the place so exclusive, I began to fear -I couldn't afford to live there. Then he put in a street-car line and -a water and gas system, and quit; for he had the map so full of things -that he could not put in another one without making it look mussy. - -One thing Perkins insisted on was that there should be no factories. He -said it would be a little paradise right in Cook County. He liked the -phrase, "Paradise within Twenty Minutes of the Chicago Post-office," -so well that he raised the price of the lots another ten dollars all -around. - -Then we began to advertise. We did not wait to build the churches nor -the school-house, nor any of the public institutions. We did not even -wait to have the streets surveyed. What was the use of having twenty or -thirty streets and avenues paved when the only inhabitants were Perkins -and I and the old lady who took care of the Club-house? Why should we -rush ourselves to death to build a school-house when the only person -in Cloverdale with children was the said old lady? And she had only one -child, and he was forty-eight years old, and in the Philippines. - -We began to push Cloverdale hard. There wasn't an advertising scheme -that Perkins did not know, and he used them all. People would open their -morning mail, and a circular would tell them that Cloverdale had an -ennobling religious atmosphere. Their morning paper thrust a view of -the Cloverdale Club-house on them. As they rode down-town in the -street-cars, they read that Cloverdale was refined and exclusive. The -bill-boards announced that Cloverdale lots were sold on the easy payment -plan. The magazines asked them why they paid rent when Cloverdale land -was to be had for little more than the asking. Round-trip tickets from -Chicago to Cloverdale were furnished any one who wanted to look at the -lots. Occasionally, we had a free open-air vaudeville entertainment. - -Our advertising campaign made a big hit. There were a few visitors who -kicked because we did not serve beer with the free lunches we gave, but -Perkins was unyielding on that point. Cloverdale was to be a temperance -town, and he held that it would be inconsistent to give free beer. But -the trump card was our guarantee that the lots would advance twenty per -cent, within twelve months. We could do that well enough, for we made -the price ourselves; but it made a fine impression, and the lots began -to sell like hot cakes. - -[Illustration: 80] - -There were ten streets in Cloverdale (on paper) and ten avenues (also on -paper); and Perkins used to walk up and down them (not on the paper, but -between the stakes that showed their future location), and admire the -town of Cloverdale as it was to be. He would stand in front of the plot -of weeds that was the site of the opera-house, and get all enrapt and -enthusiastic just thinking how fine that opera-house would be some day; -and then he would imagine he was on our street-car line going down -to the library. But the thing Perkins liked best was to go to church. -Whenever he passed one of the corner lots that we had set aside for a -church, he would take off his hat and look sober, as a man ought when he -has suddenly run into an ennobling religious atmosphere. - -One day a man came out from Chicago, and, after looking over our ground, -told us he wanted to take ten lots; but none suited him but the ten -facing on First Avenue at the corner of First Street. Perkins tried to -argue him into taking some other lots, but he wouldn't. Perkins and I -talked it over, and, as the man wanted to build ten houses, we decided -to sell him the lots. - -We thought a town ought to have a few houses, and so far Cloverdale had -nothing but the Club-house. As we had previously sold all the other lots -on First Street, we had no place on that street to put the First Street -Church, so Perkins rubbed it off the map, and marked it at the corner of -First Avenue and Fifth Street. - -The next day a man came down who wanted a site for a grocery. We were -glad to see him, for every first-class town ought to have a grocery; but -Perkins balked when he insisted on having the lot at the corner of Sixth -Avenue and Sixth Street that we had set aside for the First Methodist -Church. Perkins said he would never feel quite himself again if he had -to think that he had been taking off his hat to a grocery every time he -passed that lot. It would lower his self-respect. I was afraid we were -going to lose the grocer to save Perkins's self-respect. Then we saw we -could move the church to the corner of Sixth Avenue and Fifth Street. - -When we once got those churches on the move, there seemed to be no -stopping. We doubled the price, but still people wanted those lots, and -in the end they got them; and as soon as we sold out a church lot, -we moved the church up to Fifth Street, and in a bit Perkins got -enthusiastic over the idea, and moved the rest of the churches there on -his own accord. He said it would be a great "ad."--a street of churches; -and it would concentrate the ennobling religious atmosphere, and make it -more powerful. - -All this time the lots continued to sell beyond our expectations; and -by the end of the year we had advanced the price of lots one hundred per -cent., and were considering another advance. We did not think it fair to -the sweltering Chicago public to advance the price without giving it a -chance to get the advantage of our fresh air and pure water at the old -price, so we told them of the contemplated rise. We let them know it by -means of bill-boards and newspapers and circular letters and magazines; -and a great many people gladly availed themselves of our thoughtfulness -and our guarantee that we would advance the price twenty-per cent, on -the first day of June. - -So many, in fact, bought lots before the advance that we had none left -to advance. Perkins came to me one morning, with tears in his eyes, -and explained that we had made a promise, and could not keep it. We -had agreed to advance the lots twenty per cent., and we had nothing to -advance. - -"Well, Perky," I said, "it is no use crying. What is done is done. Are -you sure there are no lots left?" - -"William," he said, seriously, "we think a great deal of these churches, -don't we?" - -"Yes!" I exclaimed. "We do! We think an ennobling religious -atmosphere--" But he cut me short. - -"William," he said, "do you know what we are doing? We talk about our -ennobling religious atmosphere, but we are standing in the path of -progress. A mighty wave of reform is sweeping through Christendom. -The new religious atmosphere is sweeping out the old religious -atmosphere. I can feel it. Brotherly love is knocking out the sects. -Shall Cloverdale cling to the old, or shall it stand as the leader in -the movement for a reunited Church?" - -I clasped Perkins's hand. - -"A tabernacle!" I cried. - -"Right!" exclaimed Perkins. "Why ten conflicting churches? Why not one -grand meeting-place--all faiths--no creeds! Bring the people closer -together--spread an ennobling religious atmosphere that is worth talking -about!" - -"Perkins," I said, "what you have done for religion will not be -forgotten." - -He waved my praise away airily. - -"I have buyers," he said, "for the nine church lots at the advanced -price." Considering that the land practically cost us nothing, we made -one hundred and six thousand dollars on the Cloverdale deal. Perkins and -I were out that way lately; and there is still nothing on the land but -the Club-house, which needs paint and new glass in the windows. When -we reached the Fifth Street Church, we paused, and Perkins took off -his hat. It was a noble instinct, for here was one church that never -quarrelled with its pastor, to which all creeds were welcome, and that -had no mortgage. - -"Some of these days," said Perkins, "we will build the tabernacle. We -will come out and carry on our great work of uniting the sects. We will -build a city here, surrounded by an ennobling religious atmosphere--a -refined, exclusive city. The time is almost ripe. By the time these -lot-holders pay another tax assessment, they will be sick enough. We can -get the lots for almost nothing." - - - - -V. THE ADVENTURE IN AUTOMOBILES - -PERKINS and I sat on the veranda of one of the little road-houses on -Jerome Avenue, and watched the auto-mobiles go by. There were many -automobiles, of all sorts and colors, going at various speeds and in -divers manners. It was a thrilling sight--the long rows of swiftly -moving auto-vehicles running as smoothly as lines of verse, all neatly -punctuated here and there by an automobile at rest in the middle of the -road, like a period bringing the line to a full stop. And some, drawn -to the edge of the road, stood like commas. There were others, too, that -went snapping by with a noise like a bunch of exclamation-points going -off in a keg. And not a few left a sulphurous, acrid odor, like the -after-taste of a ripping Kipling ballad. I called Perkins's attention to -this poetical aspect of the thing, but he did not care for it. He seemed -sad. The sight of the automobiles aroused an unhappy train of thought in -his mind. - -Perkins is the advertising man. Advertising is not his specialty. It is -his life; it is his science. That is why he is known from Portland, Me., -to Portland, Oreg., as Perkins the Great. There is but one Perkins. A -single century could never produce two such as he. The job would be too -big. - -"Perky," I said, "you look sad." - -He waved his hand toward the procession of horseless vehicles, and -nodded. - -"Sad!" he ejaculated. "Yes! Look at them. You are looking at them. -Everybody looks at them. Wherever you go you see them--hear them--smell -them. On every road, in every town--everywhere--nothing but automobiles; -nothing but people looking at them--all eyes on them. I'm sad!" - -"They are beautiful," I ventured, "and useful." - -Perkins shook his head. - -"Useless! Wasted! Thrown away! Look at them again. What do you see?" He -stretched out his hand toward the avenue. I knew Perkins wanted me to -see something I could not see, so I looked long enough to be quite sure -I could not see it; and then I said, quite positively,-- - -"I see automobiles--dozens of them." - -"Ah!" Perkins cried with triumph. "You see automobiles! You see dozens -of them! But you don't see an ad.--not a single ad. You see dozens of -moving things on wheels that people twist their necks to stare at. You -see things that men, women, and children stand and gaze upon, and not an -advertisement on any of them! Talk about wasted opportunity! Talk about -good money thrown away! Just suppose every one of those automobiles -carried a placard with 'Use Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster,' upon it! -Every man, woman, and child in New York would know of Perkins's Patent -Porous Plaster by this evening! It would be worth a million cold -dollars! Sad? Yes! There goes a million dollars wasted, thrown away, out -of reach!" - -"Perkins," I said, "you are right. It would be the greatest advertising -opportunity of the age, but it can't be done. Advertising space on those -automobiles is not for sale." - -"No," he admitted, "it's not. That's why Perkins hates the auto. It -gives him no show. It is a fizzle, a twentieth-century abomination--an -invention with no room for an ad. I'm tired. Let's go home." - -We settled our small account with the waiter, and descended to the -avenue, just as a large and violent automobile came to a full stop -before us. There was evidently something wrong with the inwardness of -that automobile; for the chauffeur began pulling and pushing levers, -opening little cubby-holes, and poking into them, turning valves and -cocks, and pressing buttons and things. But he did not find the soft -spot. - -I saw that Perkins smiled gleefully as the chauffeur did things to the -automobile. It pleased Perkins to see automobiles break down. He had no -use for them. They gave him no opportunity to display his talents. He -considered them mere interloping monstrosities. As we started homeward, -the chauffeur was on his back in the road, with his head and arms under -his automobile, working hard, and swearing softly. - -I did not see Perkins again for about four months, and when I did see -him, I tried to avoid him; for I was seated in my automobile, which I -had just purchased. I feared that Perkins might think my purchase was -disloyal to him, knowing, as I did, his dislike for automobiles; but he -hailed me with a cheery cry. - -"Ah!" he exclaimed. "The automobile! The greatest product of man's -ingenious brain! The mechanical triumph of the twentieth century! -Useful, ornamental, profitable!" - -"Perky!" I cried, for I could scarcely believe my ears. "Is it possible? -Have you so soon changed your idea of the auto? That isn't like you, -Perky!" - -He caught his thumbs in the armholes of his vest, and waved his fingers -slowly back and forth. "My boy," he said, "Perkins of Portland conquers -all things! Else why is he known as Perkins the Great? Genius, my boy, -wins out. Before genius the automobile bows down like the camel, and -takes aboard the advertisement. Perkins has conquered the automobile!" - -I looked over my auto carefully. I had no desire to be a travelling -advertisement even to please my friend Perkins. But I could notice -nothing in the promotion and publicity line about my automobile. I held -out my hand. "Perkins," I said heartily, "I congratulate you. Is there -money in it?" He glowed with pleasure. "Money?" he cried. "Loads of it. -Thousands for Perkins--thousands for the automobile-makers--huge boom -for the advertiser! Perkins put it to the auto-makers like this: 'You -make automobiles. All right. I'll pay you for space on them. Just want -room for four words, but must be on every automobile sent out. -Perkins will pay well.' Result--contract with every maker. Then to the -advertiser: 'Mr. Advertiser, I have space on every automobile to be made -by leading American factories for next five years. Price, $100,000!' -Advertiser jumped at it! And there you are!" - -I do not know whether Perkins meant his last sentence as a finale to -his explanation or as a scoff at my automobile. In either case I was -certainly "there," for my auto took one of those unaccountable fits, -and would not move. I dismounted and walked around the machine with -a critical, inquiring eye. I poked gingerly into its ribs and exposed -vitals; lifted up lids; turned thumb-screws, and shook everything -that looked as if its working qualities would be improved by a little -shaking, but my automobile continued to balk. - -A few small boys suggested that I try coaxing it with a lump of sugar -or building a fire under it, or some of the other remedies for balking -animals; but Perkins stood by with his hands in his pockets and smiled. -He seemed to be expecting something. - -I am not proud, and I have but little fear of ridicule, but a man is -only human. Fifth Avenue is not exactly the place where a man wishes to -lie on the fiat of his back. To be explicit, I may say that when I want -to lie on my back in the open air, I prefer to lie on a grassy hillside, -with nothing above me but the blue sky, rather than on the asphalt -pavement of Fifth Avenue, with the engine-room of an automobile half a -foot above my face. - -Perkins smiled encouragingly. The crowd seemed to be waiting for me to -do it. I felt, myself, that I should have to do it. So I assumed the -busy, intense, oblivious, hardened expression that is part of the game, -and lay down on the top of the street. Personally, I did not feel that I -was doing it as gracefully as I might after more practice; but the crowd -were not exacting. They even cheered me, which was kind of them; but it -did not relieve me of the idiotic sensation of going to bed in public -with my clothes on. - -If I had not been such an amateur I should doubtless have done it -better; but it was disconcerting, after getting safely on my back, to -find that I was several feet away from my automobile. I think it was -then that I swore, but I am not sure. I know I swore about that time; -but whether it was just then, or while edging over to the automobile, I -cannot positively say. - -I remember making up my mind to swear again as soon as I got my head -and chest under the automobile, not because I am a swearing man, but to -impress the crowd with the fact that I was not there because I liked -it. I wanted them to think I detested it. I did detest it. But I did not -swear. As my eyes looked upward for the first time at the underneath of -my automobile, I saw this legend painted upon it: "Don't swear. Drink -Glenguzzle." - -[Illustration: 96] - -Peering out from under my automobile, I caught Perkins's eye. It was -bright and triumphant. I looked about and across the avenue I saw -another automobile standing. - -As I look back, I think the crowd may have been justified in thinking me -insane. At any rate, they crossed the avenue with me, and applauded me -when I lay down under the other man's automobile. When I emerged, they -called my attention to several other automobiles that were standing -near, and were really disappointed when I refused to lie down under -them. - -I did refuse, however, for I had seen enough. - -This automobile also bore on its underside the words: "Don't swear. -Drink Glenguzzle." And I was willing to believe that they were on all -the automobiles. - -I walked across the avenue again and shook hands with Perkins. "It's -great!" I said, enthusiastically. - -Perkins nodded. He knew what I meant. He knew I appreciated his genius. -In my mind's eye I saw thousands and thousands of automobiles, in all -parts of our great land, and all of them standing patiently while men -lay on their backs under them, looking upward and wanting to swear. It -was a glorious vision. I squeezed Perkins's hand. - -"It's glorious!" I exclaimed. - - - - -VI. THE ADVENTURE OF THE POET - -ABOUT the time Perkins and I were booming our justly famous Codliver -Capsules,--you know them, of course, "sales, ten million boxes a -year,"--I met Kate. She was sweet and pink as the Codliver Capsules. You -recall the verse that went:-- - - "'Pretty Polly, do you think, - Blue is prettier, or pink?' - 'Pink, sir,' Polly said, 'by far; - Thus Codliver Capsules are.'" - -You see, we put them up in pink capsules. - - "The pink capsules for the pale corpuscles." - -Perkins invented the phrase. It was worth forty thousand dollars to us. -Wonderful man, Perkins! - -But, as I remarked, Kate was as sweet and pink as Codliver Capsules; but -she was harder to take. So hard, in fact, that I couldn't seem to take -her; and the one thing I wanted most was to take her--away from her home -and install her in one of my own. I seemed destined to come in second in -a race where there were only two starters, and in love-affairs you might -as well be distanced as second place. The fellow who had the preferred -location next pure reading-matter in Kate's heart was a poet. - -In any ordinary business I will back an advertising man against a poet -every time, but this love proposition is a case of guess at results. You -can't key your ad. nor guarantee your circulation one day ahead; and, -just as likely as not, some low-grade mailorder dude will step in, -and take the contract away from a million-a-month home journal with a -three-color cover. There I was, a man associated with Perkins the Great, -with a poet of our own on our staff, cut out by a poet, and a Chicago -poet at that. You can guess how high-grade he was. - -The more I worked my follow-up system of bonbons and flowers, the less -chance I seemed to have with Kate; and the reason was that she was a -poetry fiend. You know the sort of girl. First thing she does when she -meets you is to smile and say: "So glad to meet you. Who's your favorite -poet?" - -She pretty nearly stumped me when she got that off on me. I don't know -a poem from a hymn-tune. I'm not a literary character. If you hand me -anything with all the lines jagged on one end and headed with capital -letters on the other end, I'll take it for as good as anything in -the verse line that Longfellow ever wrote. So when she asked me the -countersign, "Who's your favorite poet?" I gasped, and then, by a lucky -chance, I got my senses back in time to say "Biggs" before she dropped -me. - -When I said Biggs, she looked dazed. I had run in a poet she had never -heard of, and she thought I was the real thing in poetry lore. I never -told her that Biggs was the young man we had at the office doing poems -about the Codliver Capsules, but I couldn't live up to my start; and, -whenever she started on the poetry topic, I side-stepped to advertising -talk. I was at home there, but you can't get in as much soulful gaze -when you are talking about how good the ads. in the "Home Weekly" are as -when you are reciting sonnets; so the poet walked away from me. 'I got -Kate to the point where, when I handed her a new magazine, she would -look through the advertising pages first; but she did not seem to -enthuse over the Codliver Capsule pages any more than over the Ivory -Soap pages, and I knew her heart was not mine. - -When I began to get thin, Perkins noticed it,--he always noticed -everything,--and I laid the whole case before him. He smiled -disdainfully. He laid his hand on my arm and spoke. - -"Why mourn?" he asked. "Why mope? Why fear a poet? Fight fire with fire; -fight poetry with poetry! Why knuckle down to a little amateur poet -when Perkins & Co. have a professional poet working six days a week? Use -Biggs." - -He said "Use Biggs" just as he would have said "Use Codliver Capsules." -It was Perkins's way to go right to the heart of things without wasting -words. He talked in telegrams. He talked in caps, double leaded. I -grasped his hand, for I saw his meaning. I was saved--or at least Kate -was nailed. The expression is Perkins's. - -"Kate--hate, Kate--wait, Kate--mate," he said, glowingly. "Good rhymes. -Biggs can do the rest. We will nail Kate with poems. Biggs," he said, -turning to our poet, "make some nails." - -Biggs was a serious-minded youth, with a large, bulgy forehead in -front, and a large bald spot at the back of his head, which seemed to be -yearning to join the forehead. He was the most conceited donkey I ever -knew, but he did good poetry. I can't say that he ever did anything as -noble as,-- - - "Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster - Makes all pains and aches fly faster," - -but that was written by the immortal Perkins himself. It was Biggs who -wrote the charming verse,-- - - "When corpuscles are thin and white, - Codliver Capsules set them right," - and that other great hit,-- - - "When appetite begins to fail - And petty woes unnerve us, - When joy is fled and life is stale, - The Pink Capsules preserve us. - - "When doubts and cares distress the mind - And daily duties bore us, - At fifty cents per box we find - The Pink Capsules restore us." - -You can see that an amateur poet who wrote such rot as the following to -Kate would not be in the same class whatever:-- - -TO KATE - - "Your lips are like cherries - All sprinkled with dew; - Your eyes are like diamonds, - Sparkling and true. - - "Your teeth are like pearls in - A casket of roses, - And nature has found you - The dearest of noses." - -I had Kate copy that for me, and I gave it to Biggs to let him see what -he would have to beat. He looked at it and smiled. He flipped over the -pages of "Munton's Magazine," dipped his pen in the ink, and in two -minutes handed me this:-- - -TO KATE - - "Your lips are like - Lowney's Bonbons, they're so sweet; - Your eyes shine like pans - That Pearline has made neat. - - "Your teeth are like Ivory Soap, they're so white, - And your nose, like Pink Capsules, - Is simply all right!" - -I showed it to Perkins, and asked him how he thought it would do. He -read it over and shook his head. - -"O. K.," he said, "except Ivory Soap for teeth. Don't like the idea. -Suggests Kate may be foaming at the mouth next. Cut it out and say:-- - - "'Your soul is like - Ivory Soap, it's so white.'" - -I sent the poem to Kate by the next mail, and that evening I called. -She was very much pleased with the poem, and said it was witty, and just -what she might have expected from me. She said it did not have as much -soul as Tennyson's "In Memoriam," but that it was so different, one -could hardly compare the two. She suggested that the first line ought to -be illustrated. So the next morning I sent up a box of bonbons,--just as -an illustration. - -"Now, Biggs," I said, "we have made a good start; and we want to keep -things going. What we want now is a poem that will go right to the spot. -Something that will show on the face of it that it was meant for her, -and for no one else. The first effort is all right, but it might have -been written for any girl." - -"Then," said Biggs, "you'll have to tell me how you stand with her, so I -can have something to lay hold on." - -I told him as much as I could, just as I had told my noble Perkins; and -Biggs dug in, and in a half-hour handed me:-- - -THE GIRL I LOVE - - "I love a maid, and shall I tell you why? - It is not only that her soulful eye - Sets my heart beating at so huge a rate - That I'm appalled to feel it palpitate; - No! though her eye has power to conquer mine. - And fill my breast with feelings most divine, - Another thing my heart in love immersed-- - Kate reads the advertising pages first! - - "A Sunday paper comes to her fair hand - Teeming with news of every foreign land, - With social gossip, fashions new and rare, - And politics and scandal in good share, - With verse and prose and pictures, and the lore - Of witty writers in a goodly corps, - Wit, wisdom, humor, all things interspersed-- - Kate reads the advertising pages first! - - "The magazine, in brilliant cover bound, - Into her home its welcome way has found, - But, ere she reads the story of the trust, - Or tale of bosses, haughty and unjust, - Or tale of love, or strife, or pathos deep - That makes the gentle maiden shyly weep, - Or strange adventures thrillingly rehearsed, - Kate reads the advertising pages first! - - "Give me each time the maid with such a mind, - The maid who is superior to her kind; - She feels the pulse-beats of the world of men, - The power of the advertiser's pen; - She knows that fact more great than fiction - Is, And that the nation's life-blood is its 'biz.' - I love the maid who woman's way reversed - And reads the advertising pages first!" - -"Now, there," said Biggs, "is something that ought to nail her sure. It -is one of the best things I have ever done. I am a poet, and I know good -poetry when I see it; and I give you my word that is the real article." - -I took Biggs's word for it, and I think he was right; but he had -forgotten to tell me that it was a humorous poem, and when Kate laughed -over it, I was a little surprised. I don't know that I exactly expected -her to weep over it, but to me it seemed to be a rather soulful sort of -thing when I read it. I thought there were two or three quite touching -lines. But it worked well enough. She and her poet laughed over it; and, -as it seemed the right thing to do, I screwed up my face and ha-ha'd a -little, too, and it went off very well. Kate told me again that I was -a genius, and her poet assured me that he would never have thought of -writing a poem anything like it. - -"Well, now," said Biggs, when I had reported progress, "we want to keep -following this thing right up. System is the whole thing. You have told -her how nice she is in No. 1, and given a reason why she is loved in No. -2. What we want to do is to give her in No. 3 a reason why she should -like you. Has she ever spoken of Codliver Capsules?" - -So far as I could remember she had not. - -"That is good," said Biggs; "very good, indeed. She probably doesn't -identify you with them yet, or she would have thrown herself at your -head long ago. We don't want to brag about it--not yet. We want to break -it to her gently. We want to be humble and undeserving. You must be a -worm, so to speak." - -"Biggs," I said, with dignity, "I don't propose to be a worm, so to -speak." - -"But," he pleaded, "you must. It's only poetic license." - -That was the first I knew that poets had to be licensed. But I don't -wonder they have to be. Even a dog has to be licensed, these days. - -"You must be the humble worm," continued Biggs, "so that later on you -can blossom forth into the radiant conquering butterfly." - -I didn't like that any better. I showed Biggs that worms don't blossom. -Plants blossom. And butterflies don't conquer. And worms don't turn into -butterflies--caterpillars do. - -"Very well," said Biggs, "you must be the humble caterpillar, then." - -I told him I would rather be a caterpillar than a worm any day; and -after we had argued for half an hour on whether it was any better to be -a caterpillar than to be a worm. - -Biggs remembered that it was only metaphorically speaking, after all, -and that nothing would be said about worms or caterpillars in the poem, -and he got down to work on No. 3. When he had it done, he put his feet -on his desk and read it to me. He called it - -HUMBLE MERIT - - "No prince nor poet proud am I, - Nor scion of an ancient clan; - I cannot place my rank so high-- - I'm the Codliver Capsule Man. - - "No soulful sonnets I indite, - Nor do I play the pipes of Pan; - In five small words my place I write-- - I'm the Codliver Capsule Man. - - "No soldier bold, with many scars, - Nor hacking, slashing partisan; - I have not galloped to the wars-- - I'm the Codliver Capsule Man. - - "No, mine is not the wounding steel, - My life is on a gentler plan; - My mission is to cure and heal-- - I'm the Codliver Capsule Man. - - "I do not cause the poor distress - By hoarding all the gold I can; - I, advertising, pay the press-- - I'm the Codliver Capsule Man. - - "And if no sonnets I can write, - Pray do not put me under ban; - Remember, if your blood turns white, - I'm the Codliver Capsule Man!" - -"Well," asked Biggs, the morning after I had delivered the poem, "how -did she take it?" - -I looked at Biggs suspiciously. If I had seen a glimmer of an indication -that he was fooling with me, I would have killed him; but he seemed to -be perfectly serious. - -"Was that poem intended to be humorous?" I asked. - -"Why, yes! Yes! Certainly so," Biggs replied. "At least it was supposed -to be witty; to provoke a smile and good humor at least." - -"Then, Biggs," I said, "it was a glorious success. They smiled. They -smiled right out loud. In fact, they shouted. The poet and I had to -pour water on Kate to get her out of the hysterics. It is all right, of -course, to be funny; but the next time don't be so awful funny. It is -not worth while. I like to see Kate laugh, if it helps my cause; but I -don't want to have her die of laughter. It would defeat my ends." - -"That is so," said Biggs, thoughtfully. "Did she say anything?" - -"Yes," I said; "when she was able to speak, she asked me if the poem was -a love poem." - -"What did you tell her?" asked Biggs, and he leaned low over his desk, -turning over papers. - -"I told her it was," I replied; "and she said that if any one was -looking for a genius to annex to the family, they ought not to miss the -chance." - -"Ah, ha!" said Biggs, proudly; "what did I tell you? You humbled -yourself. You said, 'See! I am only the lowly Codliver Capsule man;' but -you said it so cleverly, so artistically, that you gave the impression -that you were a genius. You see what rapid strides you are making? Now -here," he added, taking a paper from his desk, "is No. 4, in which you -gracefully and poetically come to the point of showing her your real -standing. You have been humble--now you assert yourself in your real -colors. When she reads this she will begin to see that you wish to make -her your wife, for no man states his prospects thus clearly unless he -means to propose soon. You will see that she will be ready to drop into -your hand like a ripe peach from a bough. I have called this 'Little -Drops of Water.'" - -"Wait a minute," I said. "If this is going to have anything about the -Codliver Capsules in it, don't you think the title is just a little -suggestive? You know our formula. Don't you think that 'Little Drops -of Water' is rather letting out a trade secret?" Biggs smiled -sarcastically. - -"Not at all," he said. "The suggestion I intended to make was that -'Little drops of water, Little grains of sand, Make the mighty ocean,' -etc. But if you wish, we will call it 'Many a Mickle makes a Muckle';" -and he read the following poem in a clear, steady voice:-- - - "How small is a Codliver Capsule, - And ten of them put in each box! - And the boxes and labels cost something-- - No wonder that Ignorance mocks! - - "How cheap are the Codliver Capsules; - Two boxes one dollar will buy! - One Capsule costs only a nickel-- - The price is considered not high. - - "Well known are the Codliver Capsules,-- - We herald their fame everywhere; - And costly is our advertising, - But Perkins & Co. do not care. - - "We spend on the Codliver Capsules, - To advertise them, every year, - A Million cold Uncle Sam dollars-- - I hope you will keep this point clear. - - "How, then, can the Codliver Capsules, - Which bring but a nickel apiece, - Yield us on our invested money - A single per cent, of increase? - - "How? We sell of the Codliver Capsules - Full four million boxes a year, - Which, at fifty cents each, gives a total - Of two million dollars, my dear. - - "You see that the Codliver Capsules, - When all advertising is paid, - Net us just a million of dollars, - From which other costs are defrayed. - - "Less these, then, the Codliver Capsules - Net five hundred thousand of good, - Cold, useful American dollars-- - A point I would have understood. - - "And who owns the Codliver Capsules? - Two partners in Perkins & Co. - One-half of the five hundred thousand - To Perkins the Great must then go." - - "And the rest of the Codliver Capsules - Belong to your servant, my sweet, - And these, with my love and devotion, - I hasten to lay at your feet." - -When I read this pretty poem to Kate, she began laughing at the first -line, and I kept my eye on the water-pitcher, in case I should need it -again to quell her hysterics; but, as I proceeded with the poem, -she became thoughtful. When I had finished, her poet was laughing -uproariously; but Kate was silent. - -"Is it possible," she said, "that out of these funny little pink things -you make for yourself two hundred and fifty thousand dollars a year?" - -"Certainly," I said. "Didn't you understand that? I'll read the poem -again." - -"No! no!" she exclaimed, glancing hurriedly at the poet, who was still -rolled up with laughter. "Don't do that. I don't like it as well as your -other poems. I do not think it is half so funny, and I can't see what -Mr. Milward there sees in it that is so humorous." - -My face must have fallen; for I had put a great deal of faith in this -poem, because of what Biggs had said. Kate saw it. - -"You are not a real poet," she said as gently as she could. "You lack -the true celestial fire. Your poems all savor of those I read in the -street-cars. Poets are born, and not made. The true poet is a noble -soul, floating above the heads of common mortals, destined to live -alone, and unmarried--" - -Mr. Milward sat up suddenly and ceased laughing. - -"And now," continued Kate, "I must ask you both to excuse me, for I am -very tired." But what do you think! As I was bowing good-night, while -her poet was struggling into his rubber overshoes, she whispered, so -that only I could hear:-- - -"Come up to-morrow evening. I will be all alone!" - -When, two days later, I told Perkins of my engagement, he only said:-- - -"Pays to advertise." - - - - -VII. THE ADVENTURE OF THE CRIMSON CORD - - -I - -I HAD not seen Perkins for six months or so, and things were dull. I was -beginning to tire of sitting indolently in my office, with nothing to do -but clip coupons from my bonds. Money is good enough in its way, but it -is not interesting unless it is doing something lively--doubling itself -or getting lost. What I wanted was excitement,--an adventure,--and I -knew that if I could find Perkins, I could have both. A scheme is a -business adventure, and Perkins was the greatest schemer in or out of -Chicago. - -Just then Perkins walked into my office. - -"Perkins," I said, as soon as he had arranged his feet comfortably on my -desk, "I'm tired. I'm restless. I have been wishing for you for a month. -I want to go into a big scheme, and make a lot of new, up-to-date cash. -I'm sick of this tame, old cash that I have. It isn't interesting. No -cash is interesting except the coming cash." - -"I'm with you," said Perkins; "what is your scheme?" - -"I have none," I said sadly. "That is just my trouble. I have sat here -for days trying to think of a good, practical scheme, but I can't. -I don't believe there is an unworked scheme in the whole wide, wide -world." Perkins waved his hand. - -"My boy," he exclaimed, "there are millions! You've thousands of 'em -right here in your office! You're falling over them, sitting on them, -walking on them! Schemes? Everything is a scheme. Everything has money -in it!" - -I shrugged my shoulders. - -"Yes," I said, "for you. But you are a genius." - -"Genius, yes," Perkins said, smiling cheerfully, "else why Perkins the -Great? Why Perkins the Originator? Why the Great and Only Perkins of -Portland?" - -"All right," I said, "what I want is for your genius to get busy. I'll -give you a week to work up a good scheme." - -Perkins pushed back his hat, and brought his feet to the floor with a -smack. - -"Why the delay?" he queried. "Time is money. Hand me something from your -desk." - -I looked in my pigeonholes, and pulled from one a small ball of string. -Perkins took it in his hand, and looked at it with great admiration. - -"What is it?" he asked seriously. - -"That," I said, humoring him, for I knew something great would be -evolved from his wonderful brain, "is a ball of red twine I bought at -the ten-cent store. I bought it last Saturday. It was sold to me by a -freckled young lady in a white shirt-waist. I paid--" - -"Stop!" Perkins cried, "what is it?" - -I looked at the ball of twine curiously. I tried to see something -remarkable in it. I couldn't. It remained a simple ball of red twine, -and I told Perkins so. - -"The difference," declared Perkins, "between mediocrity and genius! -Mediocrity always sees red twine; genius sees a ball of Crimson Cord!" - -He leaned back in his chair, and looked at me triumphantly. He folded -his arms as if he had settled the matter. His attitude seemed to say -that he had made a fortune for us. Suddenly he reached forward, and, -grasping my scissors, began snipping off small lengths of the twine. - -"The Crimson Cord!" he ejaculated. "What does it suggest?" - -I told him that it suggested a parcel from the druggist's. I had often -seen just such twine about a druggist's parcel. - -Perkins sniffed disdainfully. - -"Druggists?" he exclaimed with disgust. "Mystery! Blood! 'The Crimson -Cord.' Daggers! Murder! Strangling! Clues! 'The Crimson Cord'--" - -[Illustration: 122] - -He motioned wildly with his hands, as if the possibilities of the phrase -were quite beyond his power of expression. - -"It sounds like a book," I suggested. - -"Great!" cried Perkins. "A novel! The novel! Think of the words 'A -Crimson Cord' in blood-red letters six feet high on a white ground!" He -pulled his hat over his eyes, and spread out his hands; and I think he -shuddered. - -"Think of 'A Crimson Cord,'" he muttered, "in blood-red letters on a -ground of dead, sepulchral black, with a crimson cord writhing through -them like a serpent." - -He sat up suddenly, and threw one hand in the air. - -"Think," he cried, "of the words in black on white, with a crimson cord -drawn taut across the whole ad.!" - -He beamed upon me. - -"The cover of the book," he said quite calmly, "will be white,--virgin, -spotless white,--with black lettering, and the cord in crimson. With -each copy we will give a crimson silk cord for a book-mark. Each copy -will be done up in a white box and tied with crimson cord." - -He closed his eyes and tilted his head upward. - -"A thick book," he said, "with deckel edges and pictures by Christy. -No, pictures by Pyle. Deep, mysterious pictures! Shadows and gloom! And -wide, wide margins. And a gloomy foreword. One-fifty per copy, at all -booksellers." - -Perkins opened his eyes and set his hat straight with a quick motion of -his hand. He arose and polled on his gloves. - -"Where are you going?" I asked. - -"Contracts!" he said. "Contracts for advertising! We most boom 'The -Crimson Cord!' We must boom her big!" - -He went out and closed the door. Presently, when I supposed him well on -the way down-town, he opened the door and inserted his head. - -"Gilt. tops," he announced. "One million copies the first impression!" - -And then he was gone. - - -II. - -A week later Chicago and the greater part of the United States was -placarded with "The Crimson Cord." Perkins did his work thoroughly and -well, and great was the interest in the mysterious title. It was an old -dodge, but a good one. Nothing appeared on the advertisements but the -mere title. No word as to what "The Crimson Cord" was. Perkins merely -announced the words, and left them to rankle in the reader's mind; and -as a natural consequence each new advertisement served to excite new -interest. - -When we made our contracts for magazine advertising,--and we took a -full page in every worthy magazine,--the publishers were at a loss -to classify the advertisement; and it sometimes appeared among the -breakfast foods, and sometimes sandwiched in between the automobiles and -the hot-water heaters. Only one publication placed it among the books. - -But it was all good advertising, and Perkins was a busy man. He racked -his inventive brain for new methods of placing the title before the -public. In fact, so busy was he at his labor of introducing the title, -that he quite forgot the book itself. - -One day he came to the office with a small rectangular package. He -unwrapped it in his customary enthusiastic manner, and set on my desk -a cigar-box bound in the style he had selected for the binding of -"The Crimson Cord." It was then I spoke of the advisability of having -something to the book besides the cover and a boom. - -"Perkins," I said, "don't you think it is about time we got hold of the -novel--the reading, the words?" - -For a moment he seemed stunned. It was clear that he had quite forgotten -that book-buyers like to have a little reading-matter in their books. -But he was only dismayed for a moment. - -"Tut!" he cried presently. "All in good time! The novel is easy. -Anything will do. I'm no literary man. I don't read a book in a year. -You get the novel." - -"But I don't read a book in five years!" I exclaimed. "I don't know -anything about books. I don't know where to get a novel." - -"Advertise!" he exclaimed. "Advertise! You can get anything, from an -apron to an ancestor, if you advertise for it. Offer a prize--offer a -thousand dollars for the best novel. There must be thousands of novels -not in use." - -Perkins was right. I advertised as he suggested, and learned that there -were thousands of novels not in use. They came to us by basketfuls -and cartloads. We had novels of all kinds,--historical and hysterical, -humorous and numerous, but particularly numerous. You would be surprised -to learn how many ready-made novels can be had on short notice. It beats -quick lunch. And most of them are equally indigestible. I read one or -two, but I was no judge of novels. Perkins suggested that we draw lots -to see which we should use. - -It really made little difference what the story was about. "The Crimson -Cord" fits almost any kind of a book. It is a nice, non-committal sort -of title, and might mean the guilt that bound two sinners, or the tie of -affection that binds lovers, or a blood relationship, or it might be a -mystification title with nothing in the book about it. - -But the choice settled itself. One morning a manuscript arrived that -was tied with a piece of red twine, and we chose that one for good luck -because of the twine. Perkins said that was a sufficient excuse for the -title, too. We would publish the book anonymously, and let it be known -that the only clue to the writer was the crimson cord with which the -manuscript was tied when we received it. It would be a first-class -advertisement. - -Perkins, however, was not much interested in the story, and he left me -to settle the details. I wrote to the author asking him to call, and he -turned out to be a young woman. - -Our interview was rather shy. I was a little doubtful about the proper -way to talk to a real author, being purely a Chicagoan myself; and I -had an idea that, while my usual vocabulary was good enough for business -purposes, it might be too easy-going to impress a literary person -properly, and in trying to talk up to her standard I had to be very -careful in my choice of words. No publisher likes to have his authors -think he is weak in the grammar line. - -Miss Rosa Belle Vincent, however, was quite as flustered as I was. She -seemed ill at ease and anxious to get away, which I supposed was because -she had not often conversed with publishers who paid a thousand dollars -cash in advance for a manuscript. - -She was not at all what I had thought an author would look like. She -didn't even wear glasses. If I had met her on the street I should have -said, "There goes a pretty flip stenographer." She was that kind--big -picture hat and high pompadour. - -I was afraid she would try to run the talk into literary lines and Ibsen -and Gorky, where I would have been swamped in a minute, but she didn't; -and, although I had wondered how to break the subject of money when -conversing with one who must be thinking of nobler things, I found she -was less shy when on that subject than when talking about her book. - -"Well, now," I said, as soon as I had got her seated, "we have decided -to buy this novel of yours. Can you recommend it as a thoroughly -respectable and intellectual production?" - -She said she could. - -"Haven't you read it?" she asked in some surprise. - -"No," I stammered. "At least, not yet. I'm going to as soon as I can -find the requisite leisure. You see, we are very busy just now--very -busy. But if you can vouch for the story being a first-class -article,--something, say, like 'The Vicar of Wakefield,' or 'David -Hamm,'--we'll take it." - -"Now you're talking," she said. "And do I get the check now?" - -"Wait," I said, "not so fast. I have forgotten one thing," and I saw her -face fall. "We want the privilege of publishing the novel under a title -of our own, and anonymously. If that is not satisfactory, the deal is -off." - -She brightened in a moment. - -"It's a go, if that's all," she said. "Call it whatever you please; and -the more anonymous it is, the better it will suit yours truly." So we -settled the matter then and there; and when I gave her our check for a -thousand, she said I was all right. - - -III. - -Half an hour after Miss Vincent had left the office, Perkins came in -with his arms full of bundles, which he opened, spreading their contents -on my desk. - -He had a pair of suspenders with nickeldiver mountings, a tie, a lady's -belt, a pair of low shoes, a shirt, a box of cigars, a package of -cookies, and a half a dozen other things of divers and miscellaneous -character. I poked them over and examined them, while he leaned against -the desk with his legs crossed. He was beaming upon me. - -"Well," I said, "what is it--a bargain sale?" - -Perkins leaned over and tapped the pile with his long forefinger. - -"Aftermath!" he crowed. "Aftermath!" - -"The dickens it is!" I exclaimed. - -"And what has aftermath got to do with this truck? It looks like the -aftermath of a notion store." He tipped his "Air-the-Hair" hat over one -ear, and put his thumbs in the armholes of his "ready-tailored" vest. - -"Genius!" he announced. "Brains! Foresight! Else why Perkins the Great? -Why not Perkins the Nobody?" - -He raised the suspenders tenderly from the pile, and fondled them in his -hands. - -"See this?" he asked, running his finger along the red corded edge of -the elastic. He took up the tie, and ran his nail along the red stripe -that formed the selvedge on the back, and said, "See this?" He pointed -to the red laces of the low shoes and asked, "See this?" And so through -the whole collection. - -"What is it?" he asked. "It's genius! It's foresight!" - -He waved his hand over the pile. - -"The Aftermath!" he exclaimed. - -"These suspenders are the Crimson Cord suspenders. These shoes are the -Crimson Cord shoes. This tie is the Crimson Cord tie. These crackers are -the Crimson Cord brand. Perkins & Co. get out a great book, 'The Crimson -Cord'! Sell five million copies. Dramatized, it runs three hundred -nights. Everybody talking Crimson Cord. Country goes Crimson Cord crazy. -Result--up jump Crimson Cord this and Crimson Cord that. Who gets the -benefit? Perkins & Co.? No! We pay the advertising bills, and the other -man sells his Crimson Cord cigars. That is usual." - -"Tes," I said, "I'm smoking a David Harum cigar this minute, and I am -wearing a Carvel collar." - -"How prevent it?" asked Perkins. "One way only,--discovered by Perkins. -Copyright the words 'Crimson Cord' as trademark for every possible -thing. Sell the trade-mark on royalty. Ten per cent, of all receipts -for 'Crimson Cord' brands comes to Perkins & Co. Get a cinch on the -Aftermath!" - -"Perkins!" I cried, "I admire you. You are a genius! And have you -contracts with all these:--notions?" - -"Yes," said Perkins, "that's Perkins's method. Who originated the -Crimson Cord? Perkins did. Who is entitled to the profits on the Crimson -Cord? Perkins is. Perkins is wide-awake all the time. Perkins gets a -profit on the aftermath and the math and the before the math." - -And so he did. He made his new contracts with the magazines on the -exchange plan. We gave a page of advertising in the "Crimson Cord" for -a page of advertising in the magazine. We guaranteed five million -circulation. We arranged with all the manufacturers of the Crimson -Cord brands of goods to give coupons, one hundred of which entitled -the holder to a copy of "The Crimson Cord." With a pair of Crimson -Cord suspenders you get fire coupons; with each Crimson Cord cigar, one -coupon; and so on. - - -IV - -On the first of October we announced in our advertisement that -"The Crimson Cord" was a book; the greatest novel of the century; a -thrilling, exciting tale of love. Miss Vincent had told me it was a love -story. Just to make everything sure, however, I sent the manuscript -to Professor Wiggins, who is the most erudite man I ever met. He knows -eighteen languages, and reads Egyptian as easily as I read English. -In fact, his specialty is old Egyptian ruins and so on. He has written -several books on them. - -Professor said the novel seemed to him very light and trashy, but -grammatically O. K. He said he never read novels, not having time; but -he thought that "The Crimson Cord" was just about the sort of thing -a silly public that refused to buy his "Some Light on the Dynastic -Proclivities of the Hyksos" would scramble for. On the whole, I -considered the report satisfactory. - -We found we would be unable to have Pyle illustrate the book, he being -too busy, so we turned it over to a young man at the Art Institute. - -That was the fifteenth of October, and we had promised the book to the -public for the first of November, but we had it already in type; and the -young man,--his name was Gilkowsky,--promised to work night and day on -the illustrations. - -The next morning, almost as soon as I reached the office, Gilkowsky came -in. He seemed a little hesitant, but I welcomed him warmly, and he spoke -up. - -"I have a girl I go with," he said; and I wondered what I had to do with -Mr. Gilkowsky's girl, but he continued:-- - -"She's a nice girl and a good looker, but she's got bad taste in some -things. She's too loud in hats and too trashy in literature. I don't -like to say this about her, but it's true; and I'm trying to educate her -in good hats and good literature. So I thought it would be a good thing -to take around this 'Crimson Cord' and let her read it to me." - -I nodded. - -"Did she like it?" I asked. - -Mr. Gilkowsky looked at me closely. - -"She did," he said, but not so enthusiastically as I had expected. "It's -her favorite book. Now I don't know what your scheme is, and I suppose -you know what you are doing better than I do; but I thought perhaps I -had better come around before I got to work on the illustrations and see -if, perhaps, you hadn't given me the wrong manuscript." - -"No, that was the right manuscript," I said. "Was there anything wrong -about it?" - -Mr. Gilkowsky laughed nervously. - -"Oh, no!" he said. "But did you read it?" - -I told him I had not, because I had been so rushed with details -connected with advertising the book. - -"Well," he said, "I'll tell you. This girl of mine reads pretty trashy -stuff, and she knows about all the cheap novels there are. She dotes on -'The Duchess,' and puts her last dime into Braddon. She knows them all -by heart. Have you ever read 'Lady Audley's Secret'?" - -"I see," I said. "One is a sequel to the other." - -"No," said Mr. Gilkowsky, "one is the other. Some one has flimflammed -you and sold you a typewritten copy of 'Lady Audley's Secret' as a new -novel." - - -V - -When I told Perkins, he merely remarked that he thought every publishing -house ought to have some one in it who knew something about books, -apart from the advertising end, although that was, of course, the most -important. He said we might go ahead and publish "Lady Audley's Secret" -under the title of "The Crimson Cord," as such things had been done -before; but the best thing to do would be to charge Rosa Belle -Vincent's thousand dollars to profit and loss, and hustle for another -novel--something reliable, and not shop-worn. - -Perkins had been studying the literature market a little, and he -advised me to get something from Indiana this time; so I telegraphed -an advertisement to the Indianapolis papers, and two days later we had -ninety-eight historical novels by Indiana authors from which to choose. -Several were of the right length; and we chose one, and sent it to Mr. -Gilkowsky, with a request that he read it to his sweetheart. She had -never read it before. - -We sent a detective to Dillville, Ind., where the author lived; and the -report we received was most satisfactory. - -The author was a sober, industrious young man, just out of the high -school, and bore a first-class reputation for honesty. He had never -been in Virginia, where the scene of his story was laid, and they had -no library in Dillville; and our detective assured us that the young man -was in every way fitted to write a historical novel. - -"The Crimson Cord" made an immense success. You can guess how it boomed -when I say that, although it was published at a dollar and a half, it -was sold by every department store for fifty-four cents, away below -cost, just like sugar, or Vandeventer's Baby Food, or Q & Z Corsets, -or any other staple. We sold our first edition of five million copies -inside of three months, and got out another edition of two million, and -a specially illustrated holiday edition, and an "edition de luxe;" and -"The Crimson Cord" is still selling in paper-covered cheap edition. - -With the royalties received from the after-math and the profit on the -book itself, we made--well, Perkins has a country place at Lakewood, and -I have my cottage at Newport. - - - - -VIII. THE ADVENTURE OF THE PRINCESS OF PILLIWINK - -PERKINS slammed the five-o'clock edition of the Chicago "Evening Howl" -into the waste-paper basket, and trod it down with the heel of his -Go-lightly rubber-sole shoe. - -"Rot!" he cried. "Tommy rot! Fiddlesticks! Trash!" - -I looked up meekly. I had seldom seen Perkins angry, and I was abashed. -He saw my expression of surprise; and, like the great man he is, he -smiled sweetly to reassure me. - -"Diamonds again," he explained. "Same old tale. Georgiana De Vere, -leading lady, diamonds stolen. Six thousand four hundred and tenth time -in the history of the American stage that diamonds have been stolen. If -I couldn't--" - -"But you could, Perkins," I cried, eagerly. "You would not have to -use the worn-out methods of booming a star. In your hands theatrical -advertising would become fresh, virile, interesting. A play advertised -by the brilliant, original, great--" - -"Illustrious," Perkins suggested. "Illustrious Perkins of Portland," -I said, bowing to acknowledge my thanks for the word I needed, "would -conquer America. It would fill the largest theatres for season after -season. It would--" - -Perkins arose and slapped his "Air-the-Hair" hat on his head, and -hastily slid into his "ready-tailored" overcoat. Without waiting for me -to finish my sentence he started for the door. - -"It would--" I repeated, and then, just as he was disappearing, I -called, "Where are you going?" - -He paused in the hall just long enough to stick his head into the room. - -"Good idea!" he cried, "great idea! No time to be lost! Perkins the -Great goes to get the play!" - -He banged the door, and I was left alone. - -That was the way Perkins did things. Not on the spur of the moment, for -Perkins needed no spur. He was fall of spurs. He did things in the -heat of genius. He might have used as his motto those words that he -originated, and that have been copied so often since by weak imitators -of the great man: "Don't wait until to-morrow; do it to-day. Tomorrow -you may be dead." He wrote that to advertise coffins, and--well, Li Hung -Chang and Sara Bernhardt are only two of the people who took his advice, -and lay in their coffins before they had to be in them. - -I knew Perkins would have the whole affair planned, elaborated, and -developed before he reached the street; that he would have the details -of the plan complete before he reached the corner; and that he would have -figured the net profit to within a few dollars by the time he reached -his destination. - -I had hardly turned to my desk before my telephone bell rang. I slapped -the receiver to my ear. It was Perkins! - -"Pilly," he said. "Pilly willy. Pilly willy winkum. Pilliwink! That's -it. Pilliwink, Princess of. Write it down. The Princess of Pilliwink. -Good-by." - -I hung up the receiver. - -"That is the name of the play," I mused. "Mighty good name, too. Full of -meaning, like 'shout Zo-Zo' and 'Paskala' and--" - -The bell rang again. - -"Perkins's performers. Good-by," came the voice of my great friend. - -"Great!" I shouted, but Perkins had already rung off. - -He came back in about half an hour with four young men in tow. - -"Good idea," I said, "male quartettes always take well." - -Perkins waved his hand scornfully. Perkins could do that. He could do -anything, could Perkins. "Quartette? No," he said, "the play." He locked -the office door, and put the key in his pocket. "The play is in them," -he said, "and they are in here. They don't get out until they get the -play out." - -He tapped the long-haired young man on the shoulder. - -"Love lyrics," he said, briefly. - -The thin young man with a sad countenance he touched on the arm and -said, "Comic songs," and pointing to the youth who wore the baggiest -trousers, he said, "Dialogue." He did not have to tell me that the -wheezy little German contained the music of our play. I knew it by the -way he wheezed. - -Perkins swept me away from my desk, and deposited one young man there, -and another at his desk. The others he gave each a window-sill, and to -each of the four he handed a pencil and writing-pad. - -"Write!" he said, and they wrote. - -As fast as the poets finished a song, they handed it to the composer, -who made suitable music for it. It was good music--it all reminded you -of something else. If it wasn't real music, it was at least founded on -fact. - -The play did not have much plot, but it had plenty of places for the -chorus to come in in tights or short skirts--and that is nine-tenths of -any comic opera. I knew it was the real thing as soon as I read it. The -dialogue was full of choice bits like,-- - -"So you think you can sing?" - -"Well, I used to sing in good old boyhood's hour." - -"Then why don't you sing it?" - -"Sing what?" - -"Why, 'In Good Old Boyhood's Hour,'" and then he would sing it. - -The musical composer sang us some of the lyrics, just to let us see -how clever they were; but he wheezed too much to do them justice. He -admitted that they would sound better if a pretty woman with a swell -costume and less wheeze sang them. - -The plot of the play--it was in three acts--was original, so far as -there was any plot. The Princess of Pilliwink loved the Prince of Guam; -but her father, the leading funny man, and King of Pilliwink, wanted her -to marry Gonzolo, an Italian, because Gonzolo owned the only hand-organ -in the kingdom. To escape this marriage, the Princess disguised herself -as a Zulu maiden, and started for Zululand in an automobile. The second -act was, therefore, in Zululand, with songs about palms and a grand -cakewalk of Amazons, who captured another Italian organ-grinder. At the -request of the princess, this organ-grinder was thrown into prison. In -the third act he was discovered to be the Prince of Guam, and everything -ended beautifully. - -Perkins paid the author syndicate spot cash, and unlocked the door and -let them go. He did not want any royalties hanging over him. "Ah!" he -said, as soon as they were out of sight. - -We spent the night editing the play. Neither Perkins nor I knew anything -about plays, but we did our best. We changed that play from an every-day -comic opera into a bright and sparkling gem. Anything that our author -syndicate had omitted we put in. I did the writing and Perkins dictated -to me. We put in a disrobing scene, in which the Princess was discovered -in pain, and removed enough of her dress to allow her to place a -Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster between her shoulders, after which she -sang the song beginning,-- - - "Now my heart with rapture thrills," - -only we changed it to:-- - - "How my back with rapture thrills." - -That song ended the first act; and when the opera was played, we had -boys go up and down the aisles during the intermission selling Perkins's -Patent Porous Plasters, on which the words and music of the song were -printed. It made a great hit. - -The drinking song--every opera has one--we changed just a little. -Instead of tin goblets each singer had a box of Perkins's Pink Pellets; -and, as they sang, they touched boxes with each other, and swallowed the -Pink Pellets. It was easy to change the song from - - "Drain the red wine-cup-- - Each good fellow knows - The jolly red wine-cup - Will cure all his woes" - -to the far more moral and edifying verse,-- - - "Eat the Pink Pellet, - For every one knows - That Perkins's Pink Pellets - Will cure all his woes." - -When Perkins had finished touching up that opera, it was not such an -every-day opera as it had been. He put some life into it. - -I asked him if he didn't think he had given it a rather commercial -atmosphere by introducing the Porous Plaster and the Pink Pellets, but -he only smiled knowingly. - -"Wait!" he said, "wait a week. Wait until Perkins circulates himself -around town. Why should the drama be out of date? Why avoid all -interest? Why not have the opera teem with the life of the day? Why -not?" He laid one leg gently over the arm of his chair and tilted his -hat back on his head. - -"Literature, art, drama," he said, "the phonographs of civilization. -Where is the brain of the world? In literature, art, and the drama. -These three touch the heartstrings; these three picture mankind; these -three teach us. They move the world." - -"Yes," I said. - -"Good!" exclaimed Perkins. "But why is the drama weak? Why no more -Shakespeares? Why no more Molières? Because the real life-blood of -to-day isn't in the drama. What is the life-blood of to-day?" - -I thought he meant Perkins's Pink Pellets, so I said so. - -"No!" he said, "advertising! The ad. makes the world go round. Why do -our plays fall flat? Not enough advertising. Of them and in them. Take -literature. See 'Bilton's New Monthly Magazine.' Sixty pages reading; -two hundred and forty pages advertising; one million circulation; -everybody likes it. Take the Bible--no ads.; nobody reads it. Take art; -what's famous? 'Gold Dust Triplets;' 'Good evening, have you used -Pear's?' Who prospers? The ad. illustrator. The ad. is the biggest thing -on earth. It sways nations. It wins hearts. It rules destiny. People cry -for ads." - -"That is true enough," I remarked. - -"Why," asked Perkins, "do men make magazines? To sell ad. space in them! -Why build barns and fences? To sell ad. space! Why run street-cars? To -sell ad. space! But the drama is neglected. The poor, lonely drama is -neglected. In ten years there will be no more drama. The stage will pass -away." - -Perkins uncoiled his legs and stood upright before me. - -"The theatre would have died before now," he said, "but for the little -ad. life it has. What has kept it alive? A few ads.! See how gladly the -audience reads the ads. in the programmes when the actors give them a -little time. See how they devour the ad. drop-curtain! Who first -saw that the ad. must save the stage? Who will revive the down trod -theatrical art?" - -"Perkins!" I cried. "Perkins will. I don't know what you mean to do, but -you will revive the drama. I can see it in your eyes. Go ahead. Do it. I -am willing." - -I thought he would tell me what he meant to do, but he did not. I had to -ask him. He lifted the manuscript of the opera from the table. - -"Sell space!" he exclaimed. "Perkins the Originator will sell space in -the greatest four-hour play in the world. What's a barn? So many square -feet of ad. space. What's a magazine? So many pages of ad. space. What's -a play? So many minutes of ad. space. Price, one hundred dollars a -minute. Special situations in the plot extra." - -I did not know just what he meant, but I soon learned. The next day -Perkins started out with the manuscript of the "Princess of Pilliwink." -And when he returned in the evening he was radiant with triumph. Every -minute of available space had been sold, and he had been obliged to add -a prologue to accommodate all the ads. - -The "Princess of Pilliwink" had some modern interest when Perkins was -through with it. It did not take up time with things no one cared a cent -about. It went right to the spot. - -There was a Winton Auto on the stage when the curtain rose, and from -then until the happy couple boarded the Green Line Flyer in the last -scene the interest was intense. There was a shipwreck, where all hands -were saved by floating ashore on Ivory Soap,--it floats,--and you should -have heard the applause when the hero laughed in the villain's face and -said, "Kill me, then. I have no fear. I am insured in the Prudential -Insurance Company. It has the strength of Port Arthur." - -We substituted a groanograph--the kind that hears its master's -voice--for the hand-organ that was in the original play, and every -speech and song brought to mind some article that was worthy of -patronage. - -The first-night audience went wild with delight. You should have heard -them cheer when our ushers passed around post-cards and pencils between -the acts, in order that they might write for catalogues and samples to -our advertisers. Across the bottom of each card was printed, "I heard -your advertisement in the 'Princess of Pilliwink.'" - -Run? That play ran like a startled deer I It drew such crowded houses -that we had to post signs at the door announcing that we would only -sell tickets to thin men and women; and then we had an especially narrow -opera chair constructed, so that we were able to seat ten more people on -each row. - -The play had plenty of variety, too. Perkins had thought of that. He -sold the time by the month; and, when an ad. expired, he only sold the -space to a new advertiser. Thus one month there was a lullaby about -Ostermoor mattresses,--the kind that advertises moth-eaten horses to -show what it isn't made of,--and it ran:-- - - "Bye, oh! my little fairy. - On the mattress sanitary - Sent on thirty days' free trial - Softly sleep and sweetly smile. - - "Bye, oh! bye! my little baby, - Though your poor dad busted may be. - Thirty days have not passed yet, - So sleep well, my little pet." - -And when Perkins sold this time space the next month to the makers of -the Fireproof Aluminum Coffin, we cut out the lullaby, and inserted the -following cheerful ditty, which always brought tears to the eyes of the -audience:-- - - "Screw the lid on tightly, father, - Darling ma has far to go; - She must take the elevator - Up above or down below. - - "Screw the lid on tightly, father, - Darling ma goes far to-night; - To the banks of rolling Jordan, - Or to realms of anthracite. - - "Screw the lid on tightly, father, - Leave no chinks for heated air, - For if ma is going one place, - There's no fire insurance there." - -You can see by this how different the play could be made from month to -month. Always full of sparkling wit and clean, wholesome humor--as fresh -as Uneeda Biscuit, and as bright as a Loftis-on-credit diamond. Take -the scene where the Princess of Pilliwink sailed away to Zululand as an -example of the variety we were able to introduce. The first month she -sailed away on a cake of Ivory Soap--it floats; the next month she -sailed on an Ostermoor Felt Mattress--it floats; and then for a month -she voyaged on the floating Wool Soap; and she travelled in steam -motor-boats and electric motor-boats; by Cook's tours, and across -the ice by automobile, by kite, and on the handle of a Bissell Carpet -Sweeper, like an up-to-date witch. She used every known mode of -locomotion, from skates to kites. - -She was a grand actress. Her name was Bedelia O'Dale; and, whatever she -was doing on the stage, she was charming. Whether she was taking a vapor -bath in a $4.98 cabinet or polishing her front teeth with Sozodont, she -was delightful. She had all the marks of a real lady, and gave tone -to the whole opera. In fact, all the cast was good. Perkins spared no -expense. He got the best artists he could find, regardless of the cost; -and it paid. But we nearly lost them all. You remember when we put the -play on first, in 1897,--the good old days when oatmeal and rolled wheat -were still the only breakfast foods. We had a breakfast scene, where the -whole troup ate oatmeal, and pretended they liked it. That scene went -well enough until we began to get new ads. for it. The troup never -complained, no matter how often he shifted them from oatmeal to rolled -wheat and back again. They always came on the stage happy and smiling, -and stuffed themselves with Pettijohns and Mothers' Oats, and carolled -merrily. - -But about the time the twentieth century dawned, the new patent -breakfast foods began to boom; and we got after them hotfoot. First -he got a contract from Grape-nuts, and the cast and chorus had to eat -Grape-nuts and warble how good it was. - -Perkins was working up the Pink Pellets then, and he turned the Princess -of Pilliwink job over to me. - -If Perkins had been getting the ads., all would still have been well; -but new breakfast foods cropped up faster than one a month, and I -couldn't bear to see them wait their turn for the breakfast scene. There -were Malta-Vita and Force and Try-a-Bita and Cero-Fruto and Kapl-Flakes -and Wheat-Meat, and a lot more; and I signed them all. It was -thoughtless of me. I admit that now, but I was a little careless in -those days. When our reviser revised the play to get all those breakfast -foods in, he shook his head. He said the audience might like it, but he -had his doubts about the cast. He said he did not believe any cast on -earth could eat thirteen consecutive breakfast foods, and smile the -smile that won't. He said it was easy enough for him to write thirteen -distinct lyrics about breakfast foods, but that to him it seemed that by -the time the chorus had downed breakfast food number twelve, it would be -so full of oats, peas, beans, and barley that it couldn't gurgle. - -I am sorry to say he was right. We had a pretty tough-stomached troup; -and they might have been able to handle the thirteen breakfast -foods, especially as most of the foods were already from one-half -to three-quarters digested as they were sold, but we had a few other -lunchibles in the play already. - -[Illustration: 158] - -That year the ads. were running principally to automobiles, -correspondence schools, and food stuffs; and we had to take in the food -stuffs or not sell our space. - -As I look back upon it, I cannot blame the cast, although I was angry -enough at the time. When a high-bred actress has eaten two kinds of -soup, a sugar-cured ham, self-rising flour, air-tight soda crackers, -three infant foods, two patent jellies, fifty-seven varieties of -pickles, clam chowder, devilled lobster, a salad dressing, and some beef -extract, she is not apt to hanker for thirteen varieties of breakfast -food. She is more likely to look upon them with cold disdain. Ho matter -how good a breakfast food may be by itself and in the morning, it is -somewhat unlovely at ten at night after devilled lobster and fifty-seven -varieties of pickles. At the sight of it the star, instead of gaily -carolling,-- - - "Joy! joy! isn't it nice - To eat Cook's Flaked Rice," - -is apt to gag. After about six breakfast foods, her epiglottis and -thorax will shut up shop and begin to turn wrong side out with a sickly -gurgle. The whole company struck. They very sensibly remarked that if -the troup had to keep up that sort of thing and eat every new breakfast -food that came out, the things needed were not men and women, but a herd -of cows. They gave me notice that they one and all intended to leave at -the end of the week, and that they positively refused to eat anything -whatever on the stage. - -I went to Perkins and told him the game was up--that it was good while -it lasted, but that it was all over now. I said that the best thing -we could do was to sell our lease on the theatre and cancel our ad. -contracts. - -But not for a moment did my illustrious partner hesitate. The moment I -had finished, he slapped me on the shoulder and smiled. - -"Great!" he cried, "why not thought of sooner?" - -And, in truth, the solution of our difficulty was a master triumph of -a master mind. It was simplicity itself. It made our theatre so popular -that there were riots every night, so eager were the crowds to get in. - -People long to meet celebrities. If they meet an actor, they are happy -for days after. And after the theatre people crave something to eat. -Perkins merely combined the two. We cut out the eating during the play, -and after every performance our actors held a reception on the stage; -and the entire audience was invited to step up and be introduced to -Bedelia O'Dale and the others, and partake of free refreshments, in the -form of sugar-cured ham, beef extract, fifty-seven varieties of pickles, -and thirteen kinds of breakfast foods, and other choice viands. - -THE END. - - - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Perkins of Portland, by Ellis Parker Butler - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERKINS OF PORTLAND *** - -***** This file should be named 44151-8.txt or 44151-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/1/5/44151/ - -Produced by David Widger - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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