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diff --git a/old/44147.txt b/old/44147.txt deleted file mode 100644 index f574f4e..0000000 --- a/old/44147.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,927 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg's The Great American Pie Company, by Ellis Parker Butler - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Great American Pie Company - -Author: Ellis Parker Butler - -Illustrator: Will Crawford - -Release Date: November 10, 2013 [EBook #44147] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GREAT AMERICAN PIE COMPANY *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger - - - - - - - - -THE GREAT AMERICAN PIE COMPANY - -By Ellis Parker Butler - -Author Of "Pigs Is Pigs" - -Illustrated By Will Crawford - -New York Mcclure, Phillips & Co. MCMVII - -Copyright 1904 by The Century Co. - - - - -CHAPTER ONE - -If you take a pie and cut it in two, the track of your knife will -represent the course of Mud River through the town of Gloning, and that -part of the pie to the left of your knife will be the East Side, while -the part to the right will be the West Side. Away out on the edge of the -pie, where the town fritters away into the fields and shanties on the -East Side, dwells Mrs. Deacon, and a fatter, better-natured creature -never trod the crust of the earth or made the crust of a pie. Being -in reduced circumstances, owing to the inability of Mr. Deacon to -appreciate the beneficial effects of work, Mrs. Deacon turned her -famous baking ability to account, and in a small way began selling her -excellent homemade pies to those who liked a superior article. In -time Mrs. Deacon established a considerable trade among the people of -Gloning, and Mr. Deacon was wrested from his customary seat on the back -steps to make daily delivery trips with the Deacon home-made pies. - -Ephraim Deacon was a deep thinker and philosopher. He was above his -environment, or at least he felt so, and while waiting for opportunity -to approach and give his talents full vent he scorned labor. So he sat -around a good deal, and jawed a good deal, and smoked. - -[Illustration: frontispiece] - -But if you will return to your plate of Gloning you will see on the pie, -far over on the West Side, where the scallops lap over the edge of the -plate, a little spot that is burned a bit too brown. This is the home -of Mrs. Phineas Doolittle, as base and servile an imitator as ever -infringed on another person's monopoly. For, seeing and hearing of the -success of Mrs. Deacon's pies, Mrs. Doolittle put a few extra pieces of -hickory in her stove, got out her rolling-pin, and became a competitor, -even to making Mr. Doolittle deliver her pies. The Deacon pies had sold -readily at ten cents; three for a quarter. The Doolittle pie entered the -field at eight cents; three for twenty cents. - -Mrs. Deacon stood this as long as possible, and then she decided to -stand it no longer--unless she had to. "Eph, you good-for-nothin' lazy -animal," she remarked to her husband one morning, as she started him -on his rounds, "if you was a man, I'd send you over to talk to that -Doolittle woman; but you ain't, so it ain't no use sendin' you. But if -you meet up with that lazy, good-for-nothin' husband of hers, you give -him a piece o' my mind, an' let him know what I think o' them what -comes stealin' away my business, an' breakin' down prices, which I don't -wonder at, her pies not bein' in the same class as mine, as everybody -knows. If you was any good, you'd mash his head in for him, just to show -her what I think of them. But there! Like as not, if you do catch up -with him, you two will sit an' gossip like two old grannies, which is -all you are good for, either of you." - -Being thus admonished, Eph Deacon set forth to deliver his pies. - -As he reached the bridge over Mud River, Phinny Doolittle, with a basket -of pies on each arm, started to cross the bridge from the opposite side, -and the two men--if Mrs. Deacon will allow me--met in the middle of the -bridge, and with a common impulse put down their baskets and wiped their -brows. - -"Howdy, Phin! Blame hot day to-day, hey?" remarked Eph. - -"Howdy! Howdy, Eph!" replied Phineas; "'tis so--some smatterin' o' -warmth in the air, ain't it?" - -"Dunno as I know if I ever knew one much hotter," said Eph. "How's the -pie business over your way?" - -"Well, now," said Phin, "'t ain't what you'd call good, nor't ain't what -you'd call bad. I dunno what I _would_ call it, unless I'd call it 'bout -fair to middlin'. How's it over your way?" - -"'Well," Eph said, "I dunno. I ain't got no real cause to complain, I -reckon; but it does seem as if prices on pies was gittin' too low to -make it worth while fer a man to keep his woman over a hot stove a day -like this. It don't seem right fer folks to break into business an' cut -the liver out of prices." - -"Oh, now, Eph!" Phin expostulated, "you ain't got no just cause fer to -say that. A man's got to do something to git started, ain't he?" - -"If we're goin' to fight this out," said Eph, calmly, "I move we adjourn -over yon into the shade an' set down to it. This ain't no question fer -to settle in no two shakes of a ram's tail, Phineas, an' we mought as -well settle it right now an' git shet of it." - -"I dassay you're right in that, Eph," Phineas agreed; "an' we'll jest -kite over yonder an' set down an' figure the whole blame business out, -so 's we won't have to bother about it no more." - - - - -CHAPTER TWO - -When the two men were comfortably settled in the shade and had lighted -their pipes, Eph, as the senior in the trade and the party with a -complaint, opened his mouth to speak; but before the words came forth, -Phineas outflanked him and let fly a thunderbolt. - -"Eph," he said, "you got to lower down your pie prices to even up with -what mine are." - -Eph looked at his companion in astonishment. - -"Lower down my prices!" he ejaculated. "You be crazy, Phin; plum crazy! -Don't I give a bigger pie an' a better pie than what you do?" - -"Well, then," remarked Phineas, with a sly twinkle in his eye, "how do -you reckon I can h'ist my prices up any? Mebby you think I can git ten -cents fer a small, mean pie whiles you ask ten cents fer a big, good -one? My idee is that if we want to run along nice an' smooth, an' not -have no trouble, what we want to do is to git together an' go in -cahoots, an' then it don't make no difference what we sell at." - -"I'm ag'in' trusts," said Eph, coldly. - -"So'm I," said Phineas. "Who said anything about trusts? All we want -is to even things up a bit. Fust thing you know, you'll git mad an' -cut your prices down to eight cents, an' I'll have to drop to six; an' -you'll come to six, an' I'll go to four; an' you'll go to four, an' I'll -sell pies at two; an' you'll put your pies down to two cents, an' -blame my hide if I don't give pies away. Dog me if I don't!" - -Eph looked worried. "Oh, come now, Phin," he said anxiously, "you won't -up an' do that, will you?" - -"Dog me if I don't!" Phin repeated stubbornly. - -Eph arose and shook his fist at Phineas. - -"You old ijit!" he yelled. "I'll teach ye!" And bending over, he seized -a large, soft pie and slapped it down over the head of the seated -Phineas. In a moment the two men were standing face to face, fists -clenched, and breath coming short and fast, each waiting for the other -to strike the first blow. - -But neither struck. Eph's eyes fell to Phineas's shoulder, where a large -fragment of pie had lodged. Phineas moved slightly and the pie fragment -wavered, tottered, and--Eph reached out his hand quickly to catch it, -and Phineas dodged and, closing in, grasped him around the waist and -pulled down. Eph sank upon his knees and Phineas followed him, and the -two men, nose to nose, eye to eye, looked at each other and grinned. - -"If we're goin' to fight this thing out," said Eph, "let's go over in -the shade an' set down. It's too blame hot fer wrastlin'." - - - - -CHAPTER THREE - -"I reckon you see now how your plan would work out," said Phineas; "we'd -give away nigh on to a thousand pies, an' all because we didn't use hoss -sense. I'm ag'in' trusts, same as you. I'd vote any day to down any o' -them big fellers, but a little private agreement between gentlemen don't -hurt nobody. What I say is, git together an' fix on a fair price an' -stick to it." - -"Jest what I say," said Eph. "You lift your price up to ten cents--" - -"Never in this green world," said Phineas. "Contrariwise, you drop -your grade of pie down equal to mine, an' put your price down to eight -cents." - -"Not so long as I live!" said Eph. - -"Well, then," said Phineas, "it stands this way. If we leave our prices -as they be, it means fight an' loss to us both, an' we won't change em, -so what's to be done?" Eph looked out over the river gloomily. - -"Dog me if I know," he sighed. "There's just one thing," said Phineas. -"We got to form a stock company, you an' me, an' put all our earnings -together, an' then, every so often, divide up even. Then if I sell more -pies because mine are eight cents, you'll git your half of all I sell; -an' if you sell more because your pies are bigger an' better, I'll get -my share of what you sell. An' when things git goin' all right, we'll -raise up the price all around--say, my pies to ten cents an' yours to -twelve; an' bein' in cahoots, there won't be nobody to say we sha'n't do -it, an' we'll lay aside that extra profit to build up the business." - -"Phineas," said Eph, solemnly, "it's a wonder I didn't think o' that -myself." - -"Ain't it, now?" asked Phineas. "But I 've give this thing some thought, -an' I ain't begun to tell you where it ends. I wanted to see how you -took to it before I let it all out on you." - -Eph leaned forward eagerly. "Go on," he said. "Let it out on me now." - -"When the only two homemade pie-makers git together like we'll be," said -Phineas, triumphantly, "I'd like to know who'll stop us from liftin' -up the price. Huh! Them that don't like to pay our prices, they can eat -bakers' pies an' welcome." - -"I know some folks in this town," Eph said, "that wouldn't eat bakers' -pies if they had to pay twenty-five cents apiece for homemade." He -paused to consider this pregnant statement, and then added: "But I -reckon the bakers would git away a heap of our trade if we begun liftin' -our prices much." Phineas's eyes snapped. - -"They would, hey?" he said, laughing. "Mebby they would an' mebby they -wouldn't. What do you suppose we'd be doin' with that surplus we'd -accumulate? Come strawberry season, we'd up an' buy every strawberry -that come to Gloning. We'd pay more than anybody could afford to, an' -add the difference to our strawberry-pie price, because we'd have the -only strawberry pies in town. An' what strawberries we couldn't use -right off we'd can for winter pies. An' as other fruits come in, -we'd buy them up the same way. But we wouldn't be mean. We'd open a -fruit-store an' sell folks fruit at a good high price if they'd sign an -agreement not to use any fer pie. An' in a little while the bakers would -git sick an' sell out their shops to us fer almost nothin'. An' then -we'd go into the bakin' business big." - -"We'd bake cakes an' bread then," said Eph, eagerly. - -"Cakes an' bread an' doughnuts an' buns an' everything," said Phineas, -with enthusiasm. "We'll git one big bake-shop an' save on expenses, an' -shove up the price of stuff a little, an' just coin money." - -"We'd ought to git at it quick," said Eph. "We'd oughtn't to waste no -time. What do you reckon would be a good name fer the company?" - -"I've fixed that all up," said Phineas. "We'll call it the American Pie -Company, Incorporated; an' bein' as only you an' me will be in it, we'll -each have to be officers." - -"I'm goin' to be president," exclaimed Eph, with all the eagerness of a -boy. - -"All right, Eph," said Phineas. "We don't want to have no more fights, -an' I want to do what's right, so you can be president. I'll be -treasurer." - -Eph thought for a minute. He knew Phineas well. - -"I want to do what's right, too," he said at last. "You can be -president. I'll be treasurer." - -"I guess mebby we'd better take turns bein' treasurer," suggested -Phineas. - -[Illustration: 38] - -"All right," said Eph; "I want my turn first." - - - - -CHAPTER FOUR - -When the two men had settled the treasurer question, they smoked awhile -in silence, each lost in thought; and as they thought their brows -clouded. - -"Say, Eph," said Phineas at length, "what be you thinkin' that makes you -look so glum?" Eph shook his head sadly. - -"I been lookin' ahead, Phin," he said--"'way ahead. An' I see a snag. -I don't hold it ag'in' you, Phin; but the thing won't pan out." -"What--what you run up ag'in', Eph?" asked Phineas, solicitously. - -"Fruit," said Eph, dolefully. "Loads of it. Phin, what if we _do_ gather -in all the fruit that comes to town? Ain't there just dead loads an' -loads o' fruit in these here United States? An' the minute we git to -puttin' up the price, it'll git noised about, an' Dagos an' Guinnies'll -pile in here with fruit an' cut under us." He sighed. "'Twas a good -business while it lasted, Phin; but it didn't last long." Phineas lay -back on the grass and laughed long and squeakily. - -"Is _that_ all the farther ahead you looked, Eph Deacon?" he asked when -he had recovered his breath. "Any old fool ought to know that the second -year we was in business we'd buy up all the fruit in the United States." - -Eph's face cleared and he smiled again, but Phineas's face clouded. - -"What worried me, Eph," he said, "was 'bout payin' sich high prices -for fruit as them blame farmers would likely ask. Ner I won't stand it, -neither. Will you?" - -"Not by a blame sight, Phin," said Eph. "I won't let nobody downtrod me. -But," he asked anxiously, "how you goin' to stop it?" - -Phineas dug his heel in the soft turf. - -"We got to buy out the farms," he announced decisively, "an' hire the -farmers to run 'em." - -"Think we can afford it, Phin?" asked Eph. "We don't want to go puttin' -our money into nothin' losing?" - -"We got to afford it," said Phin. "We're in this thing so deep now we -can't go back. An' we'll need part o' the farms, anyhow, fer our wheat." - -"Our wheat?" said Eph, puzzled. "Be we goin' to sell wheat, Phin?" - -"Sell wheat?" said Phin, with disgust. "No such fools. Won't we need all -the wheat this country can grow to keep our big flourmills rannin'? When -we own all the flour-mills in the country, it stands to reason we'll -have to own all the wheat, don't it?" - -Eph looked at his companion with open mouth. - -"Mills!" he ejaculated. "What fer do we want to own all the mills?" - -Phineas waved his hand in the air. - -"'Tain't 'want to,'" he said decisively, "it's 'have to.' I didn't say -we'd buy all the mills, because I thought you'd surely see fer yourself -that we'd have to buy them." - -"Now, I ain't kickin', Phin," said Eph, in a conciliating tone; -"if you say buy the mills, we'll buy 'em. I'm ready an' willin' any time -you are. All I ask is, Why? That's all I ask--Why?" - -"Well, sir," explained Phineas, "if our bakery here puts up the price of -bread, the outside bakeries will ship in bread, if we don't buy out the -outside bakeries. An' once we start, we've got to buy out every bakery -in the country. An' when we do that we've got to own all the mills, so -no one else can get any flour to start bakin'. An' to keep anybody else -from startin' mills, we've got to own all the wheat-belt. It's only -right to be on the safe side, Eph." Eph crossed his knees and smoked -silently, nodding his head slowly the while. - -"I dassay you're right, Phin," he admitted at length; "but you ain't -far-seein' enough. S'pose--just s'pose, fer instance--it come time to -ship a lot o' flour from our mills to our bakeries, an' them lumber -fellers up North wouldn't furnish timber to supply our barrel-factories." - -Phineas laughed. - -"We'd use sacks," he said shortly. - -"Well," said Eph, "s'pose--just s'pose, fer instance--that 'bout the -time we needed cotton to run our cloth-mills to make sacks fer our -flour--" He paused. "We would run our own cloth-mills, wouldn't we, -Phin?" he asked. - -"Surely, surely," replied Phineas. - -"All right," continued Eph. "S'pose them cotton-growers down South -an' them timber-growers up North wouldn't let us have no cotton or no -timber. What then?" - -Phineas nodded that he comprehended the wisdom of the deduction. - -"You're right, Eph," he said. "American Pie has got to buy out the -timber-belt an' the cotton-belt. I'm glad you thought of it. It shows -you take an interest in the business, even if you did interrup' me when -I was thinkin' on a mighty important point." - -"What's that?" asked Eph. "We got to buy out the railroads," said -Phineas. "Once we own them, we can get proper freight rates." - -"Ain't you afraid mebby some of them foreign countries 'll ship in flour -or fruit or crackers?" asked Eph. - -"How can they when we put the tariff up, like we will?" asked Phineas. -"Course, while we're buyin' up these other things, we've got to buy up -Congress." - -"Phin!" exclaimed Eph, suddenly, "we'll have a dickens of a tax-bill to -pay." - -"We'll swear off our taxes," said Phineas, shortly. - -Eph relapsed into meditation. "Why, Phin," he said at length, "we'll -be as good as bosses of these United States, won't we?" - -"Surely we will," Phin replied. - -"Do you suppose I'm doin' all this work an' takin' all this worry just -fer the money? What do I care fer a few millions more or less, Eph, when -I've got millions an' millions? What I want is power. I want to have -this here nation so that when I say, 'Come!' it will come, an' when I -say, 'Go!' it will go, an' when I say, 'Dance!' it will dance." - -He stood up and inflated his thin breast, and tapped it with his -forefinger. - -"Eph," he said, "with this here American Pie Company goin', you an' me -can go an' say to them big trust men, 'Eat dirt,' an' they'll eat it an' -be glad to git off so easy. We can--" - -He paused and glanced up the road uneasily. He shaded his eyes and -looked closely at the distant figure of a stout woman who was waddling -in their direction. - -"Skip!" he exclaimed; "here comes your wife!" - -[Illustration: 50] - -Eph rolled over and made a dash on his hands and knees for his basket of -pies. Phineas was already walking rapidly up the road. - - - - -CHAPTER FIVE - -The stout woman was not Mrs. Deacon. She turned off the street before -the truant pie-men had gone many steps, and they returned to the grass -beside the bridge. For some reason they were not so jubilantly hopeful. - -"Dog it!" said Eph, as they seated themselves in the shade, "I wish t' -goodness I hadn't mashed that pie on you, Phin. I don't know what on -earth I'm goin' to say to her about it. She's pesky stingy with her pies -these days." - -"Same way up to my house," said Phineas; "but that'll all be different -when we get the American Pie Company goin'. I guess we'll likely have -pie every day then, hey? An' not have nobody's nails in our hair, -neither." - -"Speakin' of nails," said Eph, but not enthusiastically, "think we'd -better make our own nails. We'll need a lot of 'em, to crate up pies an' -bread to ship." - -"Yes," said Phineas; "an' we'll just take over the steel business while -we're about. We'll have a department to do buildin'; there ain't any use -payin' other folks a big profit to build our mills, an' we might as -well do buildin' fer other folks. An' we'll need steel rails fer our -railroads." - -Eph began to grow enthusiastic again. - -"We'd ought to build our own mines, too," he suggested. - -"An' run our own stores to sell our bread an' pies in every town," said -Phin. - -"An' our own cannin' factories to can our fruit," said Eph. - -"An' our own can-factories to make the cans," added Phin. - -"We'll have our own tin-an' iron-mines, of course," said Eph. "An' our -own printin'-shops fer labels an' advertisin' an' showbills." - -"Better buy out the magazines an' newspapers. We can use 'em," said -Phin. - -"Yes," agreed Eph, "an' have our own paper-mills." - -"Certainly," said Phineas, "there's good money in all them. We'll make -more than them that's runnin' of 'em now. We'll economize on help." - -"That's right," said Eph. "By consolidatin' we can do away with -one-third of the help. We'll have a whoppin' big pay-roll as it is." - -"Well," said Phineas, "you've got to pay fair wages where you have to -depend on your help." - -"Fair wages is all right," said Eph; "but nowadays they want the whole -hog. You don't hear of nothin' but labor unions an' strikes. If you an' -me put our money into a big thing like American Pie, we take all the -risk and then the laborin' men want all the profits. It ain't square." - -"No, it ain't," said Phineas. "An' if you don't pay them more than you -can afford they strike right at your busiest time. They could put us out -of business in one year. First the farmers would strike at harvest, an' -all our fruit an' wheat would go to rot. Then the flour-mill hands -would strike an' the wheat get wormy an' no good. Then the bakers would -strike, an' no bread in the country--we'd most likely be lynched by the -mobs." - -Eph thought deeply for a while, and the more he thought the more doleful -he became. - -"Phineas," he said, at length, "I don't know how you feel about it, but -I think this American Pie business is 'most too risky to put our money -into." - -Phineas had also been thinking, and his face offered no encouragement. - -"Eph," he said, "you're right there. If our farmers an' millers an' -bakers did strike, an' folks starved to death, we'd like as not be -impeached an' tried for treason or something, an' put in jail fer life, -if our necks wasn't broke by a rope. I like money, but not so much as -to have that happen." - -"Neither do I," said Eph; "an' I been thinkin' of another thing. Could -we get our old women to go into this thing? My wife ain't so far-sighted -as I be; an' just at first, until we made a million or two, we'd have to -sort o' depend on them to do the bakin'." - -"Well, now that you put it right at me," said Phineas, "I dunno as my -wife would take right up with it, either. She seems bound to do just the -contrary to what I want her to do. But I dunno as I'd care to put money -into anything while these here labor unions keep actin' up." - -"I dunno as I would, either," said Eph. "I guess mebby we'd better let -this thing lay over till the labor unions sort of play out. What say?" - -"I reckon you're right," agreed Phineas. "I guess we'd better mosey -along with these here pies, too." The two men arose from their shady -seats, and Phineas swung his baskets upon his arms, but Eph seemed to be -considering a delicate question. - -"That their pie I mashed," he said at length--"I dunno what to say to my -wife about it. She'll like to take my scalp off when she finds out I'm -ten cents shy." - -"Dog me, if I ain't glad it wasn't my pie," said Phin, heartily. - -Eph coughed. - -"You don't reckon as mebby you could give me the loan of a dime till -to-morrow, could you, Phin?" he asked. - -Phineas grinned. - -"Well, now, Eph," he said, "I'd give it you in a minute if so be I had -it; but I swan t' gracious, I ain't got a cent to my name." - -THE END - - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Great American Pie Company, by -Ellis Parker Butler - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GREAT AMERICAN PIE COMPANY *** - -***** This file should be named 44147.txt or 44147.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/1/4/44147/ - -Produced by David Widger - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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