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diff --git a/44020-0.txt b/44020-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4377069 --- /dev/null +++ b/44020-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1156 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44020 *** + +[Illustration: DIVERSE AIMS. + +(_Early Morning_.) + +_The Curate_. "YES, IT'S A LOVELY MORNING, TRENCHERMAN; JUST THE SORT TO +GIVE ONE AN APPETITE FOR BREAKFAST." + +_Farmer Trencherman_. "AH! A HAPPITITE FOR YER BREAKFAST, SIR. NOW +THERE'S THE DIFFERENCE, YER SEE. I BE COME OUT FUR TO GET A BREAKFAST +FOR MY HAPPITITE!"] + + * * * * * + + "DUE SOUTH." + + _A Trip round "the Island," and back to P'm'th_. + +_Happy Thought (on board crowded steamboat)_.--"Obstinacy is the best +policy." The obstinate man won't move, and won't speak, except in +monosyllables; he won't budge one inch for anybody; he puts everybody in +a worse temper than everybody was before, and, in the end, he wins. To +the credit of the obstinate man be it said that "he knows how to keep +his place," and does keep it too. + +A kind of second-rate sporting bookmaker, with sandy whiskers and dirty +hands, who has secured a corner seat near me, smokes like a chimney, and +the chimney, his pipe, ought to have been swept and cleaned out long +ago. Also he seems quite unable to take five whiffs without prolific +expectoration. From experience I believe he will be visited by the +steward, and told not to smoke. I am awaiting this with malicious +anticipation of pleasure. I am disappointed. A junior steward, of whom I +make the inquiry in heating of the objectionable fumigator, replies that +"Smoking _is_ allowed here, but not abaft." Thanks, very much. The +sandy-whiskered man won't go "abaft," wherever that is. Perhaps he will +presently. After a time, when it becomes a bit rougher, he disappears. +No doubt he has gone "abaft." Let him stay there. + +"_The Needles_."--Why needles? There's no more point in the name than +there is to the rocks. + +Opposite Freshwater it very naturally commences to be a bit freshish; +some people in the forepart are getting very wet; there is a stampede; +it is still fresher and rougher; but I have every confidence in the +Captain, who, as I observe, is negligently standing on the bridge, +deliberately cracking specimens of that great delicacy the early +filbert, or it may be the still earlier walnut. + +_Happy Thought_.--There can be no danger when the Captain is engaged in +cracking nuts as if they were so many jokes. + +Splashing and ducking have commenced freely. The waves do the splashing, +and the people on board do the ducking. + +There are those who look ill and keep well; and others who look well at +first, but who turn all sorts of colours within a quarter of an hour, +struggle gallantly, and succumb; children lively, but gradually +collapsing, lying about doubled up helplessly; comfortable, comely +matrons who came on board neat and tidy, now horridly uncomfortable, and +quite reckless of appearance. Here, too, is the uncertain sailor, who +considers it safer to remain seated, and who, at the end of the voyage, +is surprised to find himself in perfect health. + +_Sighting Ventnor_.--The man "who knows everything" informs us that this +is Bonchurch, which information a man with a book has of course felt +himself bound to correct. The latter tells us that it is a place called +Undercliff (which nobody for one moment believes), and both informants +are put right by a mariner with a map, who points out all the places +correctly, and confides to us in a husky voice that "that ere place +among the trees is Ventnor." + +More shower-bathing; the fore-part of the vessel quite cleared by the +attacking waves. + +However, "it soon dries off," says a jolly middle-aged gentleman in a +summer suit, drenched from tip of collar to toe of boot. + +Being well out at sea (how many are never "_well_ out at sea"!), we +catch sight of Bonchurch and the landslip. Of course we gay nautical +dogs pity the poor lubbers ashore who "live at home at ease," and who +are probably suffering from intense---- (Here my remarks, made to a +jovial companion on a camp-stool, are interrupted by a blob in the eye +from a wave. On recovery I forget what I was going to say, but fancy +"the missing word" is "heat.") + +Passing Sandown. Of course the well-informed person says, "This is where +the races are," and equally of course he is immediately contradicted by +a reduced chorus of bystanders, who pity his deplorable ignorance. Total +discomfiture of well-informed person. He disappears. "Gone below," like +a Demon in a pantomime at the appearance of the Good Fairy. + +Nice place Sandown apparently, where, it being 1.30, the happy +Wight-islanders are probably sitting down in comfort to a nice hot +lunch, while we, the jovial mariners--well, no matter. I shall wait till +I can lunch ashore. + +Our arrangements are to land at Southsea, where (so we were given to +understand) we ought to be at 2 P.M. But already it is 2 P.M., and I +dive into my provision-pocket for a broken biscuit. ... An interior +voice whispers that the broken biscuit was a mistake. I tremble. False +alarm. Southsea!! Saved!! But we are forty minutes late, and our time +for refreshment is considerably curtailed. + +We crowd off through a sort of black-hole passage. Debarking and +re-embarking might be very easily managed on a much more comfortable +plan. We pay one penny for the pier-toll, and we make for the hotel at +the entrance to the pier. Any port in a storm. Cold luncheon is ready +for those who can take it, that is, one in six. + +_Back again_.--Past Cowes and Ryde. Weather lovely; sea calm. + +There are some persons of whom I would make short work were I a Captain +on board, with power to order into irons anyone whose presence was +objectionable. And these persons are, Firstly, stout greasy women, with +damp, dirty little children. Secondly, fat old men and women (more or +less dirty) eating green, juicy pears with pocket knives. Thirdly, +smokers of strong pipes. Fourthly, smokers of cigars. Fifthly +(imprisonment with torture), for smokers of bad cigars. Sixthly, people +who will persist in attempting to walk about and who, in order to +preserve their perpendicular, are perpetually making grabs at everything +and everybody. Seventhly, aimless wanderers, who seem unable to remain +in one place for five minutes at a time. + +5.45. Old England once more. We land on P'm'th Pier. + + * * * * * + +"'LUX' AGAINST HIM."--At the Church Congress last week the gentleman +known as "Father IGNATIUS," who evidently considers an Ecclesiastical +Congress at Birmingham a mere "Brummagam affair," became uncommonly +excited. It cannot be said that his violence took the form of demanding +the blood of any antagonist, as he distinctly objected to the presence +of _Gore_. But Mr. GORE, author of _Lux Mundi_, won the toss, stood his +ground, and spoke; his speech being very favourably received. "Yet," as +the President remarked (probably to himself, as it was not reported), +"we must draw the line somewhere, and it is only a pity the LYNE has +been 'drawn' here." Subsequently the LYNE shook hands with the police, +peace was restored, and the LYNE lay down with the lamb. "See how these +Christians love one another!" + + * * * + +Why is an utterly selfish man always a most presentable person in the +very best society?--_Ans_. Because never for one minute does he forget +himself. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S APPEAL--TO COAL-OWNERS, MINERS, AND ALL WHOM +IT MAY CONCERN.] + + _War!_ Is it still to be war, wild war in the heart of the land? + Are we children of England, busied in tearing our mother's breast? + And is there no ruling counsel, and is there no warning hand + To bring this folly to reason, and still this fury to rest? + _War!_ And the boons of Nature are wasted in stubborn strife, + And women, children, non-combatants, suffer and starve and stand by; + And idle hands are lifted in vain for the means of life; + And _why_? + + Ye will not list to each other, then listen to me and to _these_, + Whose mute appeal I must voice, and whose pitiful cause I must + plead! + You of the hardened hearts playing autocrat much at your ease, + And you of the hardened hands who the _end_ of the way little heed; + Listen and look and consider! The blows that you blindly strike + Like shafts that are shot at a venture, fall not alone upon foes. + The arrow shot o'er the house[1] may a brother hurt, belike-- + Who knows? + + [1] _Hamlet_, Act V., Sc. 2. + + Who _cares_? Not you, it would seem. For you stand with stubborn + front, + And backs in hatred averted, and ears to all counsels closed; + While ten thousand innocent lives of _your_ quarrel are bearing the + brunt, + And a myriad hands hang idle because _you_ are fiercely opposed. + Look at them! Gathered hungry about an empty grate. + Whilst the coal they crave lies idle within the unpeopled mine, + And Wealth and Work, at odds, when invited to arbitrate-- + Decline! + + Capital sets its face, and cocks a contemptuous nose, + And Labour, lounging sullenly, snaps its jaws like a spring; + And the land must stand at gaze whilst they fight it out as foes! + How long must we wait the issue, how long must we "keep the ring"? + Are there no rights save yours, no claims save your warring wills? + Sense has a word to say, Justice a thing to do. + Are we to wait and wait while the land with suffering thrills, + For _you_? + + Sympathy? Ay, good friends! But sympathy's not like wrath, + One-eyed, one-sided, partial. Sympathy's due to all + Who fall, fate-tripped and bruised, in your quarrel's Juggernaut path. + We think of the wives and children--Charity heeds their call; + Does she not proffer her dole "without prejudice"?--Yes, but they + Are not sole sufferers now from the Coal War's venomous strife. + Thousands of unknown hearts are pleading for Peace to-day-- + And _Life_! + + Strong men "out of work," weak women as "out of heart," + Factory gates unopened, and Workhouse gates fast shut. + Traffic hampered, arrested, piled trains unable to start. + Famine in homes and hearths, trade dead-lock and market-glut! + The coal lies there in the mine, untouched of hammer and pick, + While yon pale widow-woman must haggle in vain for enough + To charge her tiny grate! Faith! the heart that turns not sick + Is tough! + + Tough, my lords of Capital! Hard as the coal-seam black + Your Cyclops-drudges dig at--when you will allow them to dig. + Say, on your conscience now, _is_ your purse so slender and slack + That you _cannot_ bend a little to those who have made you big? + The wealth the sunlight stored men hew for you in the dark, + From the black and poisonous caverns which once were forests free, + 'Tis yours--till certain questions are asked and answered! Hark + To me! + + Men will not _always_ stand, while Monopoly wages war, + Mute, unquestioning, suffering. Greed, and starvation wage, + The crowd of want-urged captives shackled to Mammon's car, + Show not the welcomest things to this curious, questioning age. + To-day the appeal's to Pity. To-morrow--well, never mind!-- + Look on the sorrowful picture that _Punch_ commends to your view! + Man many a time has found there is wisdom in being kind. + Will _you_? + + And you poor thralls of the pit, remember that you and yours + Are not sole sufferers now from this fratricidal strife. + Yes, a starving garrison--_fights_; sharp ills demand sharp cures; + But when in your stubborn wrath you swear it is "war to the knife," + Remember that knife's at the throat of others than those who'd gain + By a victory for you in this fiercest of labour fights. + And these, too, who _must_ lose, yet have--shall they not maintain?-- + _Their_ rights! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AND _SHE_ OUGHT TO KNOW!" + +"THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A PORTOGRAPH OF LADY SOLSBURY. BUT, +BLESS YER, IT AIN'T LIKE HER A BIT IN PRIVATE!"] + + * * * * * + + RIPPIN'. + + (_A Song of the Modern Masher_.) + + Oh! other centuries have had their blades, their bucks, their dandies, + Who had redeeming qualities, but what no man can stand is + The up-to-date variety, that miserable nonny, + The self-conceited jackanapes who calls himself a "Johnny." + He hasn't got the brawn or brains to go in for excesses, + His faults are feeble--like himself,--he dawdles, dines, and dresses, + His words, his hair, his silly speech to sheer negation clippin', + And when he wants to praise a thing, his only word is "Rippin'." + + _Chorus_. + + Oh! he's rippin', rippin'! A tailor's block set skippin', + He's all bad debts and cigarettes and bets and kümmel-nippin', + His head's without a grain of sense, his hand he's got no grip in, + He drags his walk and tags his talk with "Rippin', rippin', + rippin'"! + + His faultless dress is the result of unremitting study, + He's quite the perfect "Johnny," never messed and never muddy, + His coat is always baggy and his hat is always shiny, + His boots are always varnished to their pointed toes so tiny. + His shirts, his ties, his walking-sticks are marvels to remember, + And with the seasons change from January to December. + He always wears a "buttonhole," and in a huge carnation + Of hideous hue 'twixt green and blue finds special delectation. + + He has a language of his own which he elects to talk in; + He cuts his final g's and speaks of shootin', huntin', walkin'; + With slipshod phrase and hybrid slang his speeches fairly bristle, + And vulgarisms "smart" he loves as donkeys love a thistle. + He'll lay "a hun_derd_ poun_d_," or say "he ain't," quite + uncompunctive; + He systematically spurns the use of the subjunctive. + He knows "how the best people talk," and quite ignores the clamour + Of any "dash'd low nonsense," such as euphony and grammar. + + He's great upon the music-halls, can tell you what befalls there; + He drops in at the Gaiety, and ornaments the stalls there; + He knows each vapid joke by heart, and wishes that he knew more; + They quite conform in quality to _his_ idea of humour. + He skims the sportin' papers, and devours the shillin' thriller; + He counts the bard of comic songs a cut above a SCHILLER-- + In fact, they scoff at poets in his very wide-awake sphere, + And in his secret soul he has a fine contempt for SHAKSPEARE. + + He dawdles dully through his day in quite the latest fashion-- + A round of folly minus wit, and vice without its passion. + At five he walks "the Burlington," in which esteemed Arcade he + Meets various of his chosen chums--the silly and the shady; + Then to the Berkeley or Savoy at eight o'clock or later, + Much over-dressed, to over-dine, and over-tip the waiter. + The theatre next, and last his club (the which he takes delight in), + To prove his pluck by "lookin' on at other Johnnies fightin'." + + His conversation's all made up of stable and of scandal, + And tales of "chaps he knows"--whose names have mostly got a "handle." + He "don't go in" for ladies much, their style of charm is _not_ his, + Which follows on the model of the "Lotties" and the "Totties." + He doesn't sing, he doesn't dance, he has no recreation + That doesn't sap his scanty brains or sear his reputation, + In short,--for him, his antics and his never-ceasin' "rippin'," + There's just one cure would answer, and that's whippin', whippin', + whippin'. + + Oh! Whippin', whippin', I'd like to set him skippin', + To end his bets and cigarettes and stop his kümmel-nippin', + With cure in kind his flabby mind to put a little grip in, + To brisk his walk and sense his talk with whippin', whippin', + whippin'! + + * * * * * + + UNDER THE ROSE. + + (_A Story in Scenes_.) + + SCENE VIII.--_A prettily-furnished Drawing-room at the_ + MERRIDEWS' _House in Hans Place_. TIME--_About 5.30 on Saturday + afternoon_. Mrs. MERRIDEW _has a small tea-table in front of + her_. ALTHEA _is sitting on a couch close by_. _Both ladies are + wearing their hats, having just returned from a drive_. Mrs. + MERRIDEW _is young and attractive, and her frock is in the + latest fashion_; ALTHEA _is more simply dressed, though her hair + and toilette have evidently been supervised by an experienced + maid_. + +_Mrs. Merridew_. I don't think I've ever known the Park so full before +Easter as it was to-day. Try one of those hot cakes, THEA, or a jam +sandwich--we don't dine till late, you know. It's been so nice having +you, I do wish you hadn't to go on Monday--_must_ you? + +_Althea_. I'm afraid I must, CISSIE; it has been the most delightful +week; only--Clapham will seem dreadfully flat after all this. _She +sighs_. + +_Mrs. M_. Notwithstanding the excitement of Mr. CURPHEW'S conversation? + +_Alth_. Mr. CURPHEW, CISSIE? + +_Mrs. M_. Now don't pretend ignorance, dear. You have quoted Mr. CURPHEW +and his opinions often enough to show that you see and think a good deal +of him. And, really, if you colour like that at the mere mention---- + +_Alth_. Am I colouring? That last cup was so strong. And I don't see Mr. +CURPHEW at all often. He is more Mamma's friend than mine--she has a +very high opinion of him. + +_Mrs. M_. I daresay he deserves it. He's a fearfully learned and +superior person, isn't he? + +_Alth_. I--I don't know. He writes for the paper. + +_Mrs. M_. That's vague, dear. What sort of paper? Political, Scientific, +Sporting, Society--or what? + +_Alth_. I never asked; but I should think--well, he's rather _serious_, +you know, CISSIE. + +_Mrs. M_. Then it's a comic paper, my dear, depend upon it! + +_Alth_. Oh, CISSIE, I'm _sure_ it isn't. And he's very hardworking. He's +not like most men of his age, he doesn't care in the least for +amusements. + +_Mrs. M_. He must be a very lively person. But tell me--you used to tell +me everything, THEA--does this immaculate paragon show any signs of----? + +_Alth_. (_in a low voice_). I'm not sure----Perhaps--but I may be +mistaken. + +_Mrs. M_. And if--don't think me horribly impertinent--but if you're +_not_ mistaken, have you made up your mind what answer to give him? + +_Alth_. (_imploringly_). Don't tease me, CISSIE. I thought once--but now +I really don't know. I wish he wasn't so strict and severe. I wish he +understood that one can't always be solemn--that one must have a little +enjoyment in one's life, when one is young! + +_Mrs. M_. And yet I seem to remember a girl who had serious searchings +of heart, not so very long ago, as to whether it wasn't sinful to go and +see SHAKSPEARE at the Lyceum! + +_Alth_. I know; it was silly of me--but I didn't know what a theatre was +like. I'd never been to see a play--not even at the Crystal Palace. But +now I've been, I'd like to go to one every week; they're lovely, and I +don't believe anything that makes you cry and laugh like that _can_ be +wicked! + +_Mrs. M_. Ah, you were no more meant to be a little Puritan than I was +myself, dear. Heavens! When I think what an abominable prig I must have +been at Miss PRUINS'. + +_Alth_. You weren't in the least a prig, CISSIE. But you _were_ +different. You used to say you intended to devote yourself entirely to +Humanity. + +_Mrs. M_. Yes; but I didn't realise then what a lot there were of them. +And when I met FRANK I thought it would be less ambitious to begin with +_him_. Now I find there's humanity enough in FRANK to occupy the +devotion of a lifetime. But are you sure, THEA, that this journalist +admirer of yours is quite the man to----He sounds dull, dear; admirable +and all that--but, oh, so deadly dull! + +[Illustration: "Yes; but I didn't realise then what a lot there were of +them."] + +_Alth_. If he was brilliant and fond of excitement _we_ shouldn't have +known him; for we're deadly dull ourselves, CISSIE. I never knew _how_ +dull till--till I came to stay with you! + +_Mrs. M_. You're not dull, you're a darling; and if you think I'm going +to let you throw yourself away on some humdrum plodder who will expect +you to find your sole amusement in hearing him prose, you're mistaken; +because I shan't. THEA, whatever you do, don't be talked into marrying a +Dryasdust; you'll only be miserable if you do! + +_Alth_. But Mr. CURPHEW isn't as bad as that, CISSIE. And--and he hasn't +asked me yet, and when he finds out how frivolous I've become, very +likely he never will; so we needn't talk about it any more, need we? + +_Mrs. M_. Now I feel snubbed; but I don't care, it's all for your good, +my dear, and I've said all I wanted to, so we'll change the subject for +something more amusing. (Colonel MERRIDEW _comes in_.) Well, FRANK, have +you actually condescended to come in for some tea? (_To_ ALTHEA.) +Generally he says tea is all very well for women; and then goes off to +his club and has at least two cups, and I daresay muffins. + +_Col. M_. Why not say ham-sandwiches at once, CECILIA, my dear? pity to +curb your imagination! (_Sitting down_.) If that tea's drinkable, I +don't know that I won't have a cup; though it's not what I came for. I +wanted to know if you'd settled to do anything this evening, because, if +not, I've got a suggestion--struck me in the Row just after you'd +passed, and I thought I'd come back and see how _you_ felt about it. +(_He takes his tea_.) For me?--thanks. + +_Mrs. M_. We feel curious about it at present. FRANK. + +_Col. M_. Well, I thought that, as this is Miss TOOVEY'S last evening +with us, it was a pity to waste it at home. Why shouldn't we have a +little dinner at the Savoy, eh?--about eight--and drop in somewhere +afterwards, if we feel inclined? + +_Mrs. M_. Do you know that's quite a delightful idea of yours, FRANK. +That is, unless THEA has had enough of gaiety, and would rather we had a +quiet evening. Would you, dear? _To_ ALTHEA. + +_Alth_. (_eagerly_). Oh, no, indeed, CISSIE, I'm not a bit tired! + +_Mrs. M_. You're quite sure? But where could we go on afterwards, FRANK; +shouldn't we be too late for any theatre? + +_Col. M_. I rather thought we might look in at the Eldorado; you said +you were very keen to hear WALTER WILDFIRE. (_He perceives that his wife +is telegraphing displeasure_.) Eh? why, you _did_ want me to take you. + +_Alth_. (_to herself_). WALTER WILDFIRE? why, it was WALTER WILDFIRE +that CHARLES advised Mr. CURPHEW to go and hear. Mr. CURPHEW said it was +the very last thing he was likely to do. But he's so prejudiced! + +_Mrs. M_. (_trying to make her husband understand_). Some time--but I +think, not to-night, FRANK. + +_Col. M_. If it's not to-night you mayn't get another chance; they say +he's going to give up singing very soon. + +_Mrs. M_. Oh, I hope not! I remember now hearing he was going to retire, +because his throat was weak, or else he was going into Parliament, or a +Retreat, or something or other. But I'm sure, FRANK, ALTHEA wouldn't +quite like to---- + +_Col. M_. Then of course there's no more to be said. I only thought she +might be amused, you know. + +_Alth_. But indeed I should, Colonel MERRIDEW, please let us go! + +_Mrs. M_. But, THEA, dear, are you sure you quite understand what the +Eldorado _is_?--it's a music-hall. Of course it's all right, and +everyone goes nowadays; but, still, I shouldn't like to take you if +there was any chance that your mother might disapprove. You might never +be allowed to come to us again. + +_Alth_. (_to herself_). They're both dying to go, I can see; it's too +hateful to feel oneself such a kill-joy! And even Mr. CURPHEW admitted +that a music-hall was no worse than a Penny Reading. (_Aloud_.) I don't +think Mamma would disapprove, CISSIE; not more than she would of my +going to theatres, and I've been to _them_, you know! + +_Col. M_. We'd have a box, of course, and only just get there in time to +hear WILDFIRE; we could go away directly afterwards, 'pon my word, +CECILIA, I don't see any objection, if Miss TOOVEY would like to go. +Never heard a word against WILDFIRE'S singing, and as for the rest, +well, you admitted last time there was no real harm in the thing! + +_Alth_. Do say yes, CISSIE. I do want to hear this WALTER WILDFIRE so! + +_Mrs. M_. I'm not at all sure that I ought to say anything of the sort, +but there--I'll take the responsibility. + +_Col. M_. Then that's settled. We'll take great care of you, Miss +TOOVEY. I'll just go down to the Rag, CECILIA, and send out to get a +box. I'll see if I can find someone to make a fourth, and I daresay we +shall manage to amuse ourselves. [_He goes out_. + +_Mrs. M_. THEA. I really don't feel quite happy about this. I think I'll +go after FRANK and tell him not to get that box after all; he won't have +left the house yet. [_She attempts to rise_. + +_Alth_. No, CISSIE, you mustn't, if it's on my account. I won't let you! + [_She holds her back_. + +_Mrs. M_. But, THEA, think. How would you like this Mr. CURPHEW to know +that----? + +_Alth_. (_releasing her suddenly_). Mr. CURPHEW! What does it matter to +me what Mr. CURPHEW----? ... There, Colonel MERRIDEW has gone, CISSIE, I +heard the door shut. It's too late--and I'm glad of it. We shall go to +the Eldorado and hear WALTER WILDFIRE after all! [END OF SCENE VIII. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THAT BORE THE MAJOR!] + + * * * * * + +HYDE PARK AND KENSINGTON GARDENS. ONCE AGAIN!--M. ZOLA said "he would +give forty Hyde Parks for one Bois de Boulogne." Bravo! So would all +Londoners, especially equestrians, who year after year quietly put up +with that one Rotten Row ride, and do not unite in their hundreds to +petition "the authorities" (mysterious power!) for the opening of a ride +through Kensington Gardens from south to north, and for a few "alleys" +under the broad spreading trees, where now sometimes a few sheep, and +sometimes a nursery maid and her charge, do stray. A "proposition" +logically precedes a "rider;" in this case the proposition should come +from the riders. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LARGE ORDER. + +"WHAT CAN WE GET FOR YOU, MADAM?" "WINGS!"] + + * * * * * + + "MASTERLY INACTIVITY." + + ["The terms of the Treaty give complete satisfaction to the + claims of France."--_M. le Myre de Vilers on the Franco-Siamese + Draft Treaty_.] + + _John Bull, loquitur:_-- + + Settling it! Humph! And my Jingoes, no doubt, + Would like me to shout "British Interests!" and "Robbery!!!" + Well, of course, 'tis quite clear what those two are about, + But _I_ do not feel called on to kick up a bobbery. + Poor little Siam! It's rather a shame; + But--at present--I shan't take a hand in the game. + + Complete satisfaction? Well, _that's_ something gained! + "The claims" I had fancied a trifle elastic; + "The terms" looked ambiguous, made to be strained, + To politic pressure prepared to be plastic. + _Micawber_ craved time, and a chance of "turn-up;" + And craft has its uses as well as a Krupp. + + Sturdy assertion on one side that table, + While scared acquiescence is seen on the other! + Further development of the old fable. + Wolf and the Lamb next, as brother with brother, + Or new Franco-Siamese twins may appear; + Well, I pity the Lamb, but I feel little fear. + + It isn't smart Treaties alone secure Trade, + And if I keep the Trade they may keep all their Treaties. + 'Tis not by mere craft your true Trader is made. + The Frank as a diplomat neat and complete is, + As Colonist-Trader, at settlement--shipment-- + Well, there's something seems wanting about his equipment. + + Trade gravitates somehow, by natural law, + To stickers and stayers, the firmest and fittest. + A fig for mere parchment and diplomat jaw! + Dear France, thou thy insular neighbour oft twittest + As "Shopkeeper"! Well ma'am, _j'y suis_, and shall stop; + For a Shopkeeper's one who--of course--_keeps the Shop_! + + I've had some experience. Far Hindostan, + And Canada, Africa, Egypt--ah! pardon! + That's just a sore point, and I am not the man + A rival of me and my ways to be hard on. + No; at a neat "counter" a cur only blubbers; + And they who play bowls must expect to have rubbers. + + I may have a word to put in by and by; + Young ROSEBERY, doubtless, will know how to put it. + At present on matters I'll just keep an eye. + The World's gate is Trade, and nobody can shut it + So tight--by mere Treaties--skill can't turn the handle. + One might as well bolt the back door with a candle. + + 'Tis all Swag and Swagger! I very much fear + That's true of us cock-a-whoop "Civilised Races," + Who hold that our "Influence" must find its "Sphere,"-- + At the cost of the poor yellow-skins or black faces. + We are so much alike, 'twere sheer cant to upbraid, + So I mean to stand-by--and look after my Trade! + + * * * * * + + NAMES FOR OTHER NAMES. + +The London County Council having considered the propriety of changing +the name of Great George Street, Westminster, we append a list of +localities that possibly may, later on, attract their attention. In each +case we have appended a suggested new name, chosen in the customary +arbitrary and (except in the last specimen) meaningless fashion:-- + + Trafalgar Square--Water-squirt Place. + Piccadilly--Snooks' Avenue. + Mayfair--Mews' Gardens. + Eaton Square--Pimlico Enclosure. + Haymarket--Picture-dealers' Row. + Charing Cross--Araminta Place East. + Covent Garden--Cabbage Buildings. + The Strand--Western Central High Street. + Buckingham Palace--Guelph House. + Pall Mall--Pavement Promenade. + Westminster Abbey--Members' Meeting House. + St. Paul's Cathedral--Lord Mayor's Church. + Temple Bar--Law Courts' Corner. + Chancery Lane--Smith Street East. + Fleet Street--Pedlington Place. + Whitehall--Rosebery Row. + and + Spring Gardens--County Council Folly. + + * * * * * + +SERIOUS NEWS FROM ETON COLLEGE.--Strike of the _Minors_. The Dii Majores +and the Maximi have come to terms, and the Minors have resumed fagging. + + * * * + +QUERY FOR AUTHOR AND MANAGER AT COMEDY THEATRE.--When you've been +_Sowing the Wind_ is the result _A Stitch in the Side_? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MASTERLY INACTIVITY." + +JOHN BULL. "TREATY OR NO TREATY--I SHALL DO THE TRADE ALL THE SAME!"] + + * * * * * + + THE RULES OF THE RUDE. + +1. The one object which all cyclists should keep steadily in view is to +become "scorchers." There are three essentials before you can earn this +proud title. First, you must totally disregard the convenience or safety +of the public. Second, you must ride at a minimum rate of 15 miles an +hour. Third, you must develop pronounced curvature of the spine as +quickly as is compatible with your other engagements. + +2. Races should always be held on the high roads, at a time of the day +when traffic is busiest. + +3. Should you be unfortunate enough to knock down a pedestrian, do not +trouble to stop and apologise, or inquire if he's hurt. It is his +business to get out of your way, and you should remind him of this +obligation in the most forcible language at your disposal. This will +tend to make the pastime exceedingly popular among non-cyclists. + +4. If you notice an old gentleman; crossing the road, wait till you get +quite close to him, then emit a wild war-whoop, blow your trumpet, and +enjoy the roaring fun of seeing what a shock you have given him. + +5. A still better plan, if a wayfarer happens to be walking in the +middle of the road, and going in your own direction, is _not_ to signal +your approach at all, but to startle him into fits by suddenly and +silently gliding by him when he believes himself to be quite alone. The +nearer you can shave his person the better the sport. + +6. Of course the last plan is much improved if the wayfarer should be a +market woman carrying milk or eggs, and if in her fright she drops her +can or basket. Unfortunately few cyclists have the good fortune to +witness this exquisite bit of rural comedy. + + [_These Rules will now probably be thoroughly revised, as the + "National Cyclists' Union" has issued a well-timed manifesto + warning all wheelmen against "furious riding."_ + + * * * * * + +"Well," observed the amiable Mrs. SHARPTON SNAPPIE, "there's only one +person whom I rate very highly--and that's my husband." [So she did--and +rated him--soundly.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEW TARIFF. + +"THIRD-CLASS SINGLE TO RUSWARP, PLEASE, AND A DOG-TICKET. HOW MUCH?" + +"FOURPENCE-HALFPENNY--THREEPENCE FOR THE DOG, AND THREE-HALFPENCE FOR +YOURSELF." + +"AH! YOU RECKON BY _LEGS_ ON THIS LINE."] + + * * * * * + + NOT A FAIR EXCHANGE. + + (_An Exercise to be Translated from + English into any Foreign Language_.) + +This is a thoroughly British home. I find chairs, sofas, curtains, and +carpets. They all seem to be of British manufacture. + +No, they are not of British manufacture. On the contrary, they are all +made in Germany. + +But surely this window is English? No, it is not English; it is put +together in Sweden, and erected by Swiss workmen. + +But are not these pictures, these fire-irons, these card-tables, of home +growth? No, for the pictures come from France, the fire-irons from +Belgium, and the card-tables from Austria. + +The sofa, however, was surely bought in London? It may have been bought +in London, but it was certainly made in Denmark. + +But the brass nails mast have arrived from Sheffield? No, they are now +received from parts of Portugal, Spain, and Northern Russia. + +And the coal-scuttles, surely they are made in Lambeth, Manchester, and +Liverpool? They were manufactured in those places for a while, when +other branches of trade were lost to the country, but for a long time +they have been imported from Constantinople. + +It may be assumed that the coals come from Newcastle? Certainly not, +considering that they have only just been received from New York. + +Are the bread and butter, and the other ingredients of the tea-table, +English? Oh dear no; the toast comes from Australia, the tea from +Ceylon, the sugar from the South Pole, and the butter from Gibraltar. + +It really would appear that there is nothing English about the house; +nothing save the rent and taxes, which of course are of home growth? You +are correct in your supposition; however, in exchange for these +conveniences from abroad, we have made a present to the foreigner of +something once held very dear in this country. + +And what was that? + +Our trade. English trade has left England, probably permanently, for the +Continent. + + * * * * * + + "PICTURES PROM 'PUNCH.'" + + ["Let me draw the People's pictures, and whosoever will may + preach their sermons."--_Maxims of Punchius_.] + + "Pictures from _Punch_!" Good lack! How one's memories backward it + carries. + This artful collection of BRIGGSES, and TOMPKINSES, ROBERTS, and + 'ARRIES! + Forage of fifty years from Art--granaries fuller than Coptic! + What first pleased our grandfather's eye may now brighten our + grandchild's blue optic! + Art that's humane never ages, and humour that's human's perennial. + Turn to these pages and try! You'll perceive that impeccable TENNIEL + Moved men to mirth in the Fifties that folks in the Nineties continue; + Your midriff indeed must be numb if his Yeomanry Major won't win you; + And such "Illustrations to Shakspeare," so finely drawn and so + funnily, + Might tickle Miss DELIA BACON, and knock sawdust out of "crank" + DONNELLY. + Why praise those plump, "pretty girls," with their cheeks round and + rosy as peaches, + And as full of fun as of beauty, well known to the world as JOHN + LEECH'S? + All the fan of the _Fair_! Still their arch eyes attractively flash on + The British male creature, although he _may_ growl at the follies of + Fashion. + But e'en fashion cannot kill fun. If you'd enter the evergreen + Smile-Lands, + Turn over to page twenty-one and accompany BRIGGS to the Highlands! + _Br-r-r-r_! There's a happy explosion in each individual picture! + "Sport" such as BRIGGS'S escapes the most "humanitarian" stricture. + KEANE--gentle CARLO! again! His braw feeshermen--even o' Sundays!-- + Might soften a Scotch Sabbatarian. Even the grimmest of GRUNDIES + _Must_ smile at his topers and tubthumpers, while, as for true English + scenery, + Where _is_ the magical touch that could so render gay breadths of + greenery? + Drawing-room humours, and dainty _technique_, do you favour? Fame's + _laurier_, + Everyone knows--as here proved--for all that falls on subtle DU + MAURIER. + "DICKY DOYLE'S" opulent fancy, quaint SAMBOURNE'S exhaustless + invention-- + But there, 'tis a "Humorous Art Gallery" by "Great Hands" too many to + mention. + When you have feasted on TENNIEL and KEANE, then of PARTRIDGE the turn + is, + And fed full on JOHN LEECH'S "fire," you will find lots of ditto in + FURNISS. + "Pictures from _Punch_!" That means pictures from full half a + century's story; + Humours, and fashions, and fads, English Mirth--English Girls--English + Glory! + VICTORIA'S reign set to laughter; a gay panorama of Beauty! + Buy Britons, study, enjoy! 'Tis your interest, aye, and your duty! + Here are "England--Home--Beauty" in one, and at sixpence a month. + That's not much, man! + If 'tis not your duty to "see that you get it," then _Punch_ is a + Dutchman! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HIS OPPORTUNITY. + +_Young Hawkins (finding young Mr. Merton, the model of his office, in an +unexpected haunt)_. "HULLO, MERTON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? HAVE A +SHERRY AND BITTERS?" + +_Young Merton_. "NO, THANK YOU, HAWKINS; I'M AFRAID IT WOULD GO TO MY +HEAD." + +_Hawkins_. "SO MUCH THE BETTER, OLD MAN. NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM. YOU +KNOW."] + + * * * * * + + BOBO. + + (_The kind of Novel Society likes_.) + +"Sling me over a two-eyed steak, BILL," said BOBO. + +BILL complied instantly, for he knew the lady's style of conversation; +but Lord COKALEEK required to be told that his Marchioness +was asking for one of the bloaters in the silver dish in front of his +cousin, BILL SPLINTER. + +Now, dear reader, I 'm not going to describe Cokaleek House, in the +black country, or COKALEEK, or BOBO, or BILL. If you are in smart +society you know all about them beforehand; and if you ain't you must +puzzle them out the best way you can. The more I don't describe them +the more vivid and alive they ought to seem to you. As for BOBO, I +shall let her talk. That's enough. In the course of my two +volumes--one thick and one thin--which is a new departure, and looks +as if my publisher thought that BOBO would stretch to three volumes, +and then found she wouldn't--you will be told, 1, that BOBO had brown +eyes; 2, that she was five foot eight; and that is all you 'll ever +know about the outside of BOBO. But you'll hear her talk, and you'll +see her smoke; and if you can't evolve a fascinating personality out +of cigarettes, and swears, and skittish conversation, you are not +worthy to have known BOBO. + +I am told that some people have taken "BOBO" for a vulgar caricature +of a real personage. If they have, I can only say I feel flattered by +the notion, as it may serve to differentiate me from the vulgar herd +of novelists who draw on their imagination for their characters. + + * * * + + CHAPTER I. (_and others_). + +BOBO began her bloater. + +"Why the beast has a hard roe!" she cried. "COKALEEK, you shall have the +roe;" and she dropped it into his tea before he could object. "You're +not eating any breakfast. Put the mustard-spoon in his mouth, BILL, if +he insists upon keeping it wide open while he stares at me. Ain't I +fascinating this morning? Why the devil don't you notice the new feather +in my hat? I always wear feathers when I'm going out clubbing, because I +plume myself upon being smart. Here, somebody see if my spur's screwed +on all right." + +"I wish your head was screwed on half as well," said BILL, as BOBO +planted her handsome Pinet boot, No. 31z, on the breakfast-table. + +COKALEEK looked on and smiled, with his mouth still open. It was all he +had to do in life. He had married her because she was BOBO; and the more +she out-Bobo'd BOBO, the better she pleased him. He was a marquis, and a +millionaire, but he had only one drawing-room at his country-seat; and +the smoking-room was upstairs--obviously because there was no room for +it on the ground-floor. And there was only one piano in the house, at +which BOBO'S gifted young friend, SALLIE RENGAW, was engaged in the +early morning, picking out an original funeral march with one finger, +and throwing breakfast-eggs about in the fury of inspiration. + +An _oeuf à la coque_ came flying across the passage at this moment, +through the open door of the dining-room, and hit BILL SPLINTER on the +nose. BILL was COKALEEK'S first-cousin, and heir-presumptive; in love, +_pour le bon motif_, with BOBO. + +"You should always give SALLIE poached eggs," he remonstrated, holding +his nose; "they make a worse mess when she pitches them about, but they +only hurt the furniture." + +"Does she always chuck eggs?" asked COKALEEK, mildly. + +It was BOBO'S first autumn at Cokaleek House, and the Marquis wasn't +used to the ways of her gifted friends. She had another friend, besides +the musical lady, a Miss MIRANDA SKEGGS, whose conversation was like a +bad dream; and these two, with BILL SPLINTER, were the house-party. +COKALEEK, waking suddenly from an after-dinner nap, used to think he was +in Hanwell. + +"She chucks anything," answered BOBO; "kidneys, chops, devilled bones. +How can she help it? That's the divine afflatus." + +"It _sounds_ like ta-ra-ra-boomdeay," said COKALEEK, who thought his +wife meant the melody that SALLIE'S muscular forefinger was thumping out +on the concert-grand. + +"Come, come along, every manjack of you!" shrieked SALLIE, from the +other side of the passage. "Ain't this glorious? Ain't it majestic? +Don't it bang BEETHOVEN, and knock SULLIVAN into a cocked-hat? Hark at +this! Ta-ra-ra! _largo_, for the hautboys and first fiddles. Boom! +cornets and ophicleides. De----ay! bassoons, double-basses, and +minute-guns on the big drum. There's a funeral march for you! With my +learned orchestration it will be as good as SEBASTIAN BACH." + +"Back? Why he's never been here in my time," faltered COKALEEK. "I don't +know any feller called SEBASTIAN." + +"Rippin'!" cried BOBO; "and now we'll have the funeral. Get all the +cloaks and umbrellas off the stand, MIRANDA. BILL, bring me the +coal-scuttle--that's for the coffin, doncherknow. COKALEEK, you and BILL +are to be a pair of black horses; and me and MIRANDA 'll be the +mourners. Play away, SALLIE, with all your might. We're doing the +funeral." + +Out flew BOBO into the garden, driving BILL and COKALEEK before her, +scattering coals all over the gravel walk, and slashing at the two men +with her pocket-handkerchief. She rushed all round the house, past the +windows of the back parlour, kitchen, and scullery; and then she +suddenly remembered the cub-hunting, and tore off to the stables, +tally-ho-ing to COKALEEK and BILL to follow her. The next thing they all +saw was a shower of baking-pears tumbling off the garden-wall, as BOBO +took it on her favourite hunter. She had been essentially BOBO all that +morning. + + CHAPTER XIII. + +"BILL," said BOBO, one winter twilight, by the smoking-room fire, after +her fourteenth cigarette, "I want you to run away with me." + +"Rot," answered BILL. + +"Yes, I do. I've ordered the carriage for half-past ten this evening. We +shall catch the mail to Euston." + +"You won't catch this male," said BILL. "No, BOBO, you're very good +fun--in your own house, but I don't want you in mine. You are distinctly +BOBO, but that's all. It isn't enough to live upon. It won't pay rent +and taxes." + +"You're a cur." + +"No, I'm trying to be a gentleman. Besides, what's the matter with +COKALEEK? Hasn't he millions, and a charming house in the heart of the +collieries?" + +"He's all that's delightful, only I happen to hate him. Directly I leave +off chaffing him I begin to think of arsenic, and, brilliant as I am, I +can't coruscate all day. It's very mean of you not to want to elope." + +"I daresay; but I'm the only rational being in the book, and I want to +sustain my character." + + CHAPTER THE LAST. + +BOBO stayed, and BILL went in the carriage that had been ordered for the +elopement; and then there happened an incident so rare in the realms of +fiction that it has stamped my novel at once and for ever as the work of +an original mind. + +COKALEEK, the noble, unappreciated husband, got himself killed in the +hunting-field. He went out with BOBO one morning, and she came home, a +little earlier than usual, without him, and smoked cigarettes by the +fire, while he stayed out in the dusk and just meekly rolled over a +hedge, with his horse uppermost. He wasn't like GUY LIVINGSTONE; he +wasn't a bit like dozens of heroes of French novels, who have died the +same kind of death. He was just as absolutely COKALEEK as his wife was +BOBO. + +And did BILL marry BOBO, or BOBO BILL? + +Not she! Another woman might have done it--but not BOBO. She knew too +well what the intelligent reader expected of her; so she jilted BILL, in +a thoroughly cold-blooded and BOBO-ish manner, and got herself married +to an Austrian Prince at half-an-hour's notice, by special licence from +the A. of C. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOLLOWING THE EXAMPLE OF MR. GLADSTONE AND MR. GOSCHEN, +MR. PUNCH VISITS EDINBURGH.] + + * * * * * + +LE PREUX CHEVALIER ENCORE!--After a little dinner at FRASCATI'S, which +is still "going strong," we paid a visit to the Renovated and Enlarged +Royal Music Hall, Holborn, and were soon convinced that the best things +Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER has yet done are the coster songs, not to be +surpassed, including the "_Little Nipper_," in which is just the one +touch of Nature that makes the whole audience sympathetically +costermongerish. "_My Old Dutch_" was good, but lacking in dramatic +power, and the latest one "_The Lullaby_," sung by a coster to his +"biby" in the cradle, wouldn't be worth much if it weren't for Mr. +CHEVALIER'S reputation as a genuine comedian. It is good, but not equal +to the "_Little Nipper_." "Full to-night," I observed to Lord ARTHUR +SWANBOROUGH, who is Generalissimo of the forces "in front" of the house. +"Yes," replies his Lordship, casually, "it's like this every night. +Highly respectable everywhere. Only got to have in a preacher, we'd +supply the choristers, and you'd think it was a service--or something +like it." + + * * * + +BY OUR OWN PHILOSOPHER.--Woe to him of whom all men speak well! And woe +to that seaside or inland country place for which no one has anything +but praise. It soon becomes the fashion; its natural beauties vanish; +the artificial comes in. Nature abhors a vacuum; so does the builder. +Yet Nature creates vacuums and refills them; so does the builder. Nature +is all things to all men; but the builder has his price. Man, being a +landed proprietor and a sportsman, preserves; but he also destroys, and +the more he preserves so much the more does he destroy. Nature gives +birth and destroys. Self-preservation is Nature's first law, and game +preservation is the sporting landlord's first law. + + * * * + +PAIN IN PROSPECT.--Says AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS (_Advertiscus_), "_A Life +of Pleasure_ will last until it is crowded out by the Christmas +pantomime." Epigramatically, our DRURIOLANUS might have said, "_A Life +of Pleasure_ will last till the first appearance of PAYNE." + + * * * + +"TAKE MY BEN'SON!"--"_Don't! Don't!_" a moral antidotal story as a +sequel to "_Dodo_." + + * * * + +A VERY BAD "SCUTTLE POLICY."--The Coal Strike. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Allan à Daly, Robin Hood's Chief Forester.] + + A DALY DREAM. + +If it be true that "a thing of beauty is a joy for ever," then _The +Foresters_ at Daly's Theatre ought to have a good run, instead of being +limited to a certain number of representations. Rarely has a scene of +more fairy-like beauty been placed on the stage than _Maid Marian's_ +dream in Sherwood Forest. The peculiar light in which the fairies appear +gives a marvellous elfinesque effect to the woodland surroundings. Sir +ARTHUR SULLIVAN'S music, too, may be reckoned as among some of his +happiest efforts, and the gay Savoyard (who has only one rival, and he +is at the Savoy) is fortunate in such principals as the _First Fairy_, +Miss GASTON MURRAY, and Miss HASWELL as _Titania_. The Fairy Chorus and +the Forester Chorus are remarkably efficient. Mr. LLOYD DAUBIGNY as +_Young Scarlet_ the Outlaw, is bright both as tenor and actor. Mr. +BOURCHIER is an easy-going representative of the EARL OF HUNTINGDON, +with just enough suggestion of "divilment" in his face to account for +his so readily and naturally taking to robbery as a profession. + +As _Maid Marian_, Miss ADA REHAN is at once dignified yet playful, and +as Tennysonianly captivating in her boy's clothes (there were ready-made +tailors to hand in the days of ISAAC of York), which is of course "_a +suit of male_," as she is when, as _Rosalind_, she delights us in her +doublet and hose. Fortunate is Tailor-_Maid Marian_ to obtain a +situation in the country where so many "followers are allowed"! _Little +John_, _Will Scarlet_, _Old Much_ who does little, but that little well, +with many others, make up the aforesaid "followers," who are of course +very fond of chasing every little dear they see among the greenwood +trees. Miss CATHERINE LEWIS as _Kate_, with a song, one of Sir ARTHUR'S +extra good ones, about a Bee (is it in the key of "B," for Sir ARTHUR +dearly loves a merrie jest?), obtained a hearty encore on the first +night. Not only her singing of the bee song is good, but her +stage-buzzyness is excellent. + +Mr. HANN'S ('ARRY thinks there's a "lady scene-painter 'ere, and her +name is HANN") and Mr. RYAN'S scenery is first-rate; and if the business +of the fighting were more realistic, if the three Friars were a trifle +less pantomimic, and the three grotesquely-got-up beggars (worthy of +CALLOT'S pencil) would aim at being less actively funny, with one or two +other "ifs," including _Friar Tuck's_ general make-up which might be +vastly improved, and if the last Act were shortened, and the Abbot and +the Sheriff and the Justiciary were compressed into one, or +abolished,--any of which alterations may have been effected by now, +seeing the piece was produced just a week ago,--then the attractions of +_Maid Marian_ and the fairy scene and the music are of themselves +sufficient to draw all lovers of the poetic musical drama to Daly's for +some weeks to come, unless Mr. DALY clips the run with the scissors of +managerial fate, + + "For be it understood + It would have lived much longer if it could," + +and so banishes his own outlaws from the elegant and commodious theatre +in Leicester Square. + +[Illustration: The Villain of the Piece.] + + * * * + +NEW NOVEL.--"_The Mackerel of the Dean_," by the author of +"_The Soul of the Bishop_." + + * * * * * + + Transcriber Notes: + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the document, the oe ligature was replaced with "oe". + +Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is. + +Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted. + +On page 178, "cubbing" was replaced with "clubbing". + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +105, October 14th 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44020 *** |