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diff --git a/43996-8.txt b/43996-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 5a6ba38..0000000 --- a/43996-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,12110 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The American Joe Miller, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The American Joe Miller - A Collection of Yankee Wit and Humor - -Author: Various - -Release Date: October 22, 2013 [EBook #43996] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AMERICAN JOE MILLER *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards, Diane Monico, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - - -THE - -AMERICAN JOE MILLER. - - - - -THE - -AMERICAN JOE MILLER: - -A Collection of Yankee Wit and Humour. - -COMPILED BY - -ROBERT KEMPT. - -"I love a teeming wit as I love my nourishment."--_Ben Jonson._ - -"Oh, you shall see him laugh till his face be like a wet cloak ill -laid up!" - - _Shakespeare._ - -[Illustration] - -LONDON: - -ADAMS AND FRANCIS, 59, FLEET STREET. - -[ENTERED AT STATIONERS' HALL.] - -1865. - - - - -LONDON: -CLAYTON AND CO., PRINTERS, -17, BOUVERIE STREET. - - - - -PREFACE. - - -So far as the Compiler is aware, no good collection of American -wit and humour exists on this side of the Atlantic; certainly, no -collection worthy to be considered as the American Joe Miller. In the -well-known "Percy Anecdotes," in the numerous English Joe Millers, -and other jest-books, a few of Brother Jonathan's good things are to -be found, in company with the rich and genial wit of John Bull, the -pawky humour of the Scotch, and the exuberant mirth of Paddy; but it -is believed that the present is the first attempt to present anything -like a complete collection of American witticisms to English readers. -While every justice has been done in this matter to Scotland by Dean -Ramsay's inimitable "Reminiscences of Scottish Life and Character;" -and while a kindred service has been performed for England by Mr. -John Timbs, and still more recently by Mr. Mark Lemon, not to mention -others, no one, seemingly, has bethought him of gathering together the -happy scintillations of Brother Jonathan's intellect. The Compiler -trusts that he may have undertaken this task with at least some -success. - -No one at all familiar with the periodical literature of America will -deny that the Americans are a witty people. Whether their native wit -be so intellectual and refined as the English, so quaint and subtle -as the Scotch humour, or so strong and hearty as the Irish, or, -again, whether it be so keen and compact as the French _esprit_, may -be reasonably questioned; but that it is a straw that _can_ tickle, -and therefore, according to Dryden, an instrument of happiness, -all must admit. In considering the nature of American humour, it -is obvious that broad exaggeration is its great characteristic. It -is essentially _outré_. No people seek to raise the laugh by such -extravagant means as the Yankees. Their ordinary speech is hyperbole, -or tall talk. They never go out shooting unless with the long bow. -Again, their humour comes from without, rather than from within, -and is less a matter of thought than of verbal expression. It deals -with the association of ideas rather than with ideas themselves. -Transatlantic wit is not as a rule terse, epigrammatic, pungent, -like the wit of Lamb, Hood, or Jerrold, which often lies in a single -sentence or even word. The humour of Sam Slick or James Russell -Lowell, for instance, lies as much in accessories as in the thing -itself. It is nothing unless surrounded by circumstantial narrative. -But in this it must be confessed the Americans are great masters. -The humour of a people always reflects the character of that people, -and character, as we all know, is influenced in no small measure -by country and climate. Our American brethren are born, or as they -themselves say "raised," in a country whose physical features -have been planned on a scale far surpassing in magnitude--not -unfrequently in beauty also--those of every other country in the -world. The Americans feel this, and are justly proud of the extent -and magnificence of America. It leads them to compare it with other -countries, and the comparison is certain to result in favour of their -own. Theirs is the country of Lake Superior. Columbia is a Triton -among the minnows. Into this Brobdignag of our cousins Munchausen -emigrated early, and the genius of the celebrated German Baron still -continues to control its people. Only in America will you find a -man so tall that he is obliged to go up a ladder in order to shave -himself, or so small that it requires two men and a boy to see him; -only in America do the railway trains travel so fast that the train -often reaches the station considerably in advance of the whistle; -only in America are the fogs so thick that they may be cut with a -"ham knife." It is only an American artist who can paint a snow-storm -so naturally that he catches cold by sitting near it with his coat -off; it is only in America that sportsmen are such dead shots that -the birds when they see the gun "come down," rather than abide the -consequences of remaining "up;" and it is only in America that every -man is "one of the most remarkable men in the country." It must be -said of American humour, that you can always, and at once, "see the -joke." Its meaning is never hidden, and it seldom, if ever, takes the -form of the _double entendre_. To borrow an idea from Elia, there is -no need to grope all over your neighbour's face to be sure that he -appreciates a genuine Yankee joke. The grins it causes are the very -broadest, and the laughter it evokes is the very loudest. - -While the Compiler hopes that all his readers may find something to -laugh at in the wise saws of Sam Slick, the broad grins of Artemus -Ward and Joshua Billings, the marvellous (impossible?) feats of the -renowned Major Longbow, and the cute remarks of those notorious -personages, the Down Easter and the Western Editor, which he has -here collected, he also trusts that none of them may find anything -to regret. Care has been exercised to exclude everything of an -objectionable character from the collection. - -Since his elevation to the presidential chair, Mr. Lincoln has -acquired the reputation of being a good story-teller, and a number -of the best things attributed to "honest old Abe" have been included -in the collection, which will also be found to contain many of the -humorous stories and incidents to which the present unhappy war has -given rise. "Honest good humour," says Washington Irving, one of -America's greatest sons, "is the oil and wine of a merry meeting." It -is the earnest wish of the Compiler that the following pages may serve -to convince every reader of the truth of the remark. - - R. K. - -_January 2, 1865._ - - - - -THE - -AMERICAN JOE MILLER. - - -EARLY RISING IN CONNECTICUT.--1. - -The editor of the _Eglantine_ says that the girls in Connecticut, who -are remarkable for their industry, drink about a pint of yeast before -going to bed at night, to make them _rise_ early in the morning. - - -SMALL LOAVES.--2. - -A half-famished fellow in the Southern States tells of a baker (whose -loaves had been growing "small by degrees, and beautifully less,") -who, when going his rounds to serve his customers, stopped at the door -of one and knocked, when the lady within exclaimed, "Who's there?" and -was answered, "The baker." "What do you want?" "To leave your bread." -"Well, you needn't make such a fuss about it; put it through the -keyhole." - - -ONLY THE ELEVENTH.--3. - -At a christening, while a minister was making the certificate, he -forgot the date, and happened to say: "Let me see, this is the 30th." -"The thirtieth!" exclaimed the indignant mother; "indeed, but it's -only the eleventh!" - - -SHARP SHOOTING.--4. - -The following dialogue on "sharp shooting" is reported to have taken -place between a Virginee and a Yankee picket:--"I say, can you -fellows shoot?" "Wall, I reckon we can some. Down in Mississippi we -can knock a bumble-bee off a thistle bow at three hundred yards." -"Oh, that ain't nothing to the way we seewt up in Varmount. I belonged -to a military company ther', with a hundred men in the company, and -we went out for practice every week. The capt'n draws us up in single -file, and sets a cider-barrel rolling down the hill, and each man -takes his shot at the bung-hole as it turns up. It is afterwards -examined, and if there is a shot that didn't go in the bung-hole the -number who missed it is expelled. I belonged to the company ten years, -and there ain't been nobody expelled yet." - - -FOUR POINTS OF A CASE.--5. - -An Eastern editor says that a man in New York got himself into trouble -by marrying two wives. A Western editor replies by assuring his -contemporary that a good many men in that section had done the same -thing by marrying one. A Northern editor retorts that quite a number -of his acquaintances found trouble enough by barely promising to -marry, without going any further. A Southern editor says that a friend -of his was bothered enough when simply found in company with another -man's wife. - - -ADVANTAGE OF BURNING TWO CANDLES.--6. - -A celebrated American judge had a very stingy wife. On one occasion -she received his friends in the drawing-room with a single candle. "Be -pleased, my dear," said his lordship, "to let us have a second candle -that we may see where the other stands." - - -A 4-TUNATE YOUNG MAN.--7. - -There is a young man in the U. S. army, who was born July 4, at 4 -o'clock, p.m., at No. 44, in a street in Boston, is the 4th child, -has 4 names, enlisted in the Newton company, which joined the 4th -battalion, 44th regiment, and on the 4th of August was appointed 4th -corporal, and is now gone to defend his country. - - -ELBOW-ROOM SCARCE.--8. - -Elbow-room has been quite scarce in Nashville during the past week. -Such scrouging, gouging, turning in and turning out, has seldom -before been witnessed. Instance the following:--Traveller dismounts -at a tavern. "Hallo, landlord, can I get lodgings here to-night?" -Landlord: "No, sir; every room in the house is engaged." Traveller: -"Can't you give me a blanket and a bunch of shavings for a pillow in -your bar-room?" Landlord: "No, sir; there's not a square foot of space -unoccupied anywhere in the house." Traveller: "Then I'll thank you, -sir, to shove a pole out of your second-floor window, and I'll roost -on that." - - -A COUPLE OF REASONS TOO MANY.--9. - -The _Providence Journal_ is accountable for the following: A drafted -man in this State called upon one of our lawyers, and desired to have -papers prepared claiming exemption from the military service for the -several reasons which he named. 1. That he was the only son of a widow -depending upon him for support. 2. That his father was in such infirm -health as to be unable to get his own living; and 3, that he had two -brothers already in the service. All of which facts Patrick desired -then and there to verify by affidavit. The lawyer, who had travelled -in Illinois and learned the knack of introducing _apropos_ anecdotes, -reminded the drafted man of a little story of the maple-sugar man in -Vermont who was sued for returning a borrowed sap-kettle in a damaged -condition, and pleaded in defence--first, that the kettle was sound -when he returned it; secondly, that it was cracked when he borrowed -it; and thirdly, that he never had the sap-kettle. Patrick grinned a -ghastly smile, such as sometimes illumines the countenance of a man -before the Board of Enrolment when the doctor blandly assures him that -he has not got the liver complaint or the kidney disease, and withdrew -his papers. - - -EGG "BROF."--10. - -"Well, Sambo, how do you like your new place?" "Oh, very well, massa." -"What did you have for breakfast this morning?" "Why, you see, missus -biled three eggs for herself, and gib me de brof." - - -TO MAKE SAUSAGES.--11. - -The editor of the _Southbridge Journal_ was set all aback the other -day, when he asked a farmer's wife how she made sausages, and received -for answer--"Take your in'ards, scrape 'em, scald, and stuff 'em." - - -"PREACH SMALL."--12. - -"Mother," said a little girl, seven years old, "I could not understand -our minister to-day, he said so many hard words; I wish he would -preach so that little girls could understand him. Won't he, mother?" -"Yes, I think so, if we ask him." Soon after her father saw her going -to the minister's. "Where are you going, Emma?" said he. "I am going -over to Mr. ----'s, to ask him to _preach small_." - - -HARD LYING.--13. - -There lives in New Hampshire a man called Joe, a fellow noted for the -tough lies he can tell. A correspondent informs us that Joe called in -at Holton's lately, and found him almost choked with smoke, when he -suggested, "You don't know as much about managing smoky chimneys as -I do, squire, or you'd cure 'em." "Ah!" said Holton, with interest, -"did you ever see a smoky chimney cured?" "Seen it?" said old Joe, "I -think I have. I had the worst one in Seaboard county once, and I cured -it a little too much." "How was that?" asked Holton. "Why, you see," -said Joe, "I built a little house out yonder, at Wolf Hollow, ten or -twelve years ago. Jim Bush, the fellow that built the chimneys, kept -blind drunk three-quarters of the time, and crazy drunk the other. -I told him I thought he'd have something wrong; but he stuck to it -and finished the house. Well, we moved in, and built a fire the next -morning to boil the tea-kettle. All the smoke came through the room -and went out of the windows; not a bit went up the flues. We tried it -for two or three days, and it got worse and worse. By and by it came -on to rain, and the rain began to come down the chimney. It put the -fire out in a minute, and directly it came down by the pailful. We -had to get the baby off the floor as soon as we could, or it would -have been drowned. In fifteen minutes the water stood knee-deep -on the floor. I pretty soon saw what was the matter. The drunken -cuss had put the chimney wrong end up, and it drawed downwards. It -gathered all the rain within a hundred yards, and poured it down by -bucketfuls." "Well, that was unfortunate," remarked Holton, "but what -in the world did you do with the house? Surely you never cured that -chimney?" "Didn't I, though?" answered old Joe; "yes, I did." "How?" -asked Holton. "Turned it the other end up," said the incorrigible, -"and then you ought to have seen it draw. That was the way I cured it -too much." "Drew too much?" asked Holton. "Well, squire, you may judge -for yourself," said old Joe. "Pretty soon after we got the chimney -down the other end up, I missed one of the chairs out of the room, -and directly I see'd another of 'em shooting towards the fireplace. -Next the table went, and I see the back log going up. Then I grabbed -the old woman under one arm and the baby under t'other and started; -but just as I got to the door I see'd the cat going across the floor -backwards, holding on with her claws to the carpet, yelling awfully. -It wasn't no use. I just see her going over the top of the chimney, -and that was the last of her." "Well, what did you do then?" asked -Holton; "of course you could not live in such a house?" "Couldn't I, -though?" said Joe; "but I did; I put a poultice on the jamb of the -fireplace, and that drawed t'other way, so we had no more trouble." -This is what we call hard lying. - - -BUSINESS AND AFFLICTION.--14. - -Curious combinations are oftentimes found in the advertising columns -of newspapers. The following is the announcement made by a lately -bereaved wife:--"Died, on the 11th inst., at his shop, No. 20, -Greenwich Street, Mr. Edward Jones, much respected by all who knew -and dealt with him. As a man he was amiable; as a hatter, upright and -moderate. His virtues were beyond all price, and his beaver hats were -only three dollars each. He has left a widow to deplore his loss, -and a large stock to be sold cheap for the benefit of his family. He -was snatched to the other world in the prime of life, just as he had -concluded an extensive purchase of felt, which he got so cheap that -his widow can supply hats at more reasonable rates than any house -in the city. His disconsolate family will carry on business with -punctuality." - - -THE JUDGMENT OF SOLOMON.--15. - -In the Justice's Court in New Orleans the judge was in a quandary -the other day. A coat was in dispute; the parties were Irish, and -the evidence was direct and positive for both claimants. After much -wrangling, Patrick Power, one of the parties, proposed that he and -his opponent, Timothy Maguire, should see whose name was on the -coat. Timothy searched in vain, and the coat was handed to Pat, who -immediately took his knife, opened a corner of the coat, and out -dropped two small peas. "There, d'ye see that, now!" "Yes; but what of -that?" said Timothy. "A dale it has to do wid it; it is my name to be -sure--pea for Patrick, and pea for Power, be jabers!" He got the coat, -he did. - - -YOUNG JEFF.'S APPETITE.--16. - -When young Jeff. first came up to town, his father told him that it -would be polite, when being helped at dinner, to say to the host, -"Half that, if you please." It so happened that at the first dinner to -which he was invited a sucking-pig was one of the dishes. The host, -pointing with his knife to the young porker, asked, "Well, Mr. Jeff., -will you have this, our favourite dish, or haunch of mutton?" Upon -which, recollecting his first lesson, he replied, "Half that, if you -please," to the consternation of all present. - - -MY PEW, SIR!--17. - -While the Convention which nominated General Taylor was in session -at Philadelphia, a somewhat noted local politician from Pickaway -county, Ohio, was in the city mingling in the muss. As the Convention -adjourned over Sunday, he concluded to go to church. "I mounted my -best regalia," he says, "and looked fine; stopped at the door, and -asked the sexton for a seat; was shown a very good one, entirely -unoccupied, in the back part of which I seated myself. In a very short -time a decent-looking man, plainly dressed, entered and took the front -of the pew. I held my head reverently, and looked pious. He glanced -at me several times, then took out a white handkerchief; looked at me -again, then took out a card, drew his pencil, wrote 'This is my pew, -sir,' and tossed the card to me. I picked it up, and immediately wrote -on it, 'It is a very good one; what rent do you pay?' and tossed it -back." - - -MAKING A MAN'S COFFIN BEFORE HIS DEATH.--18. - -An amusing thing occurred in the 24th Ohio. A few days since, a -soldier, passing to the lower part of the encampment, saw two others -from his company making a rude coffin. He inquired who it was for. -"John Bunce," said the others. "Why," replied he, "John is not dead -yet. It is too bad to make a man's coffin when you don't know if -he's going to die or not." "Don't you trouble yourself," replied the -others; "Dr. Coe told us to make his coffin, _and I guess he knows -what he give him_." - - -DRAWING THE LONG BOW.--19. - -A fellow was kicked out of an editorial room the other day for -impudently stating "that he had seen in Germany a fiddle so large that -it required two horses to draw the bow across the strings, which would -continue to sound six weeks!" - - -A QUEER CUP OF COFFEE.--20. - -I soon had an opportunity to judge for myself, having accepted an -officer's invitation to take coffee in his tent. Captain H. was -very proud of his table. His cook was said to be the best in the -camp, his only fault being a disposition to a careless mixture of -ingredients. "There, sir," said the captain, handing me a brimming -cup, "I'll warrant you'll find that equal to anything you ever drank -in Paris." I tasted. The captain saw something was wrong. He tasted. -His countenance assumed a stern and mortified expression. John was -called and ordered to investigate the cause of the villanous taste -of the coffee. The next moment he reappeared, holding the coffee-pot -in his hand. "Och, be jabers, captain," said he, "it's meself that's -mortified to death. I cooked the bowl of me ould pipe in your -coffee this morning, and that's the innocent cause of the bad taste -intirely!" - - -THE TREASURE TROVE. BY B. O. B.--21. - - As Jonathan Dodge reel'd home one night, - Tight as a brick in a prison wall, - Beneath a gas-lamp's brilliant light - His eye on a something bright did fall. - - He steadied himself to know the cause, - And eyed it long with inquiring gaze, - Wondering much what the deuce it was - That glitter'd and sparkled with such a blaze. - - Then stooping down, with a forward dip - Which came near sending him heels o'erhead, - At the glittering wonder he made a grip-- - But clutch'd a handful of mud instead. - - Again he tries; but another lurch, - To strive against which was all in vain, - Sent him sprawling out in the mud and slush, - And the prize eluded his grasp again. - - "The third time's lucky; I'll make it sure," - Said Jonathan, rising, and turning round. - "'Tis a diamond as large as the Koh-i-noor, - And far (_hic_) more costly, I'll be bound." - - Again he tries; hurrah! success - Has crown'd his untiring efforts at last! - Thus Victory always will Industry bless, - And the prize is more precious for dangers pass'd. - - But the flowers of Hope which we fondest nurse - First wither, and bleaker leave the soul; - He dashes it down with a bitter curse-- - 'Twas only a piece of a broken bowl! - - -REMARKABLE TENACITY OF LIFE.--22. - -A few evenings since, in the "private crib" of one of our exchanges, -there was a learned dissertation, subject, "Bed-bugs, and their -Remarkable Tenacity of Life." One asserted of his own knowledge that -they could be boiled, and then come to life. Some had soaked them for -hours in turpentine without any fatal consequences. Old Hanks, who -had been listening as an outsider, here gave in his experience in -corroboration of the facts. Says he, "Some years ago I took a bed-bug -to an iron-foundry, and dropping it into a ladle where the melted iron -was, had it run into a skillet. Well, my old woman used that skillet -pretty constant for the last six years, and here the other day it -broke all to smash; and what do you think, gentlemen, that 'ere insect -just walked out of his hole, where he'd been layin' like a frog in a -rock, and made tracks for his old roost upstairs! But," added he, by -way of parenthesis, "he looked mighty pale." - - -SAM'S SOUL.--23. - -"Sam," said an interesting young mother to her youngest hopeful, "do -you know what the difference is between the body and soul? The soul, -my child, is what you love with; the body carries you about. This is -your body," touching the little fellow's shoulders and arms, "but -there is something deeper in--you can feel it now; what is that?" "Oh, -I know," said Sam, with a flash of intelligence in his eyes, "that's -my flannel shirt!" - - -AMERICAN ESTIMATE OF THEIR CLERGY.--24. - -The _Louisville Journal_ assures an inquiring spinster that gospel -ministers are not more addicted to dissipation than men of other -professions. A few of the Kalloch type take gin-toddies and liberties -with females, but the majority of them are as good as lawyers. If you -want a true Christian, marry an editor. - - -"WHERE WARREN FELL."--25. - -A Yankee gentleman, escorting a British friend around to view the -different objects of attraction in the vicinity of Boston, brought him -to Bunker's Hill. They stood looking at the splendid shaft, when the -Yankee said, "This is the place where Warren fell." "Ah!" replied the -Englishman evidently not posted up in local historical matters, "did -it hurt him much?" The native looked at him, with the expression of -fourteen Fourths of Julys in his countenance--"Hurt him!" said he, "he -was killed, sir." "Ah! he was, eh?" said the stranger, still eyeing -the monument, and computing its height in his own mind, layer by -layer; "well, I should think he would have been, to fall so far." - - -OUT-YANKEED.--26. - -After the battle of Fredericksburg a little Yankee officer was talking -with one of our Alabama majors, who stood in that part of the field -where we had suffered most severely--dead men and horses, broken -cannon, and blown-up caissons being all around him. "You hurt us -powerful bad yesterday," said the Yankee. "Yes," replied the major, -drily. "Guess we hurt you some, too," rejoined the Yankee, looking at -the wrecks of humanity strewn about. "Didn't kill a man or a horse," -said the major. The little Yankee looked up at the tall Confederate -for a moment, then at the dead men and horses on every side, and then -wheeled suddenly round and walked rapidly away, utterly astounded at -the cool manner in which the Alabamian had out-Yankeed the Yankees in -deliberate lying. - - -THE PRESIDENT'S VOICE.--27. - -We got one darkie on the way out. He had never seen a cannon, and of -course did not know what it was. He stood beside one when they fired -it off, and I assure you Parry the clown never dropped as quick as he -did. His eyes rolled wildly, and he alarmingly called out: "Oh Lord! -hab mercy on dis poor chile. He am for de Union ebery time, sah." The -artillerymen might have been tied with straws. When they had got over -their laugh, they told him it was one of old Abe's guns. The nigger -said, "He hab a bery loud voice." - - -HOW A "COPPERHEAD" WAS SHAVED.--28. - -One day, lately, a well-known gentleman in Philadelphia stepped -into a barber's shop, sat in a shaving-chair, drew a newspaper from -his pocket, and instructed the knight of the razor to take off his -beard. The barber was an African. He simply replied, "Yes, boss," and -produced his implements. The customer sat down. He was duly shaved. -His face was wiped; he arose, and donned his coat and hat. "How much?" -he asked, in a dolorous voice, as he adjusted his shirt-collar. -"Fifteen cents, boss." "Why, I thought you shaved for ten cents at -this shop." "Dat ar's de average, sah," was the reply. "Ten cents is -de price of a shave in dis yer shop. You come in here, sah, and read -the news of Sheridan's victory, and your face got about six inches -longer dan when yer come in. If your face was like it was afore you -read dat yar news ten cents was the price. When you commenced to read -about de defeat of Early, den your face stretched down about four -inches. Dat's what makes it wurf fifteen cents for der shave." The -customer couldn't restrain a grin, though he was a Copperhead, and the -hit at him was made by a "nigger." He paid the fee, and walked out. He -was one of those gentlemen who go their length upon M'Clellan, and who -of course shudder at every victory to the Union arms. - - -WHAT HE DID THE FIRST YEAR.--29. - -In one of the courts at Hartford, Connecticut, recently, a woman -was testifying on behalf of her son, and swore that he had worked -on a farm ever since he was born. The lawyer who cross-examined her -said, "You assert that your son has worked on a farm ever since he -was born?" "I do." "What did he do the first year?" "He milked," -she replied. The whole court laughed heartily, and the witness was -questioned no further. - - -THE LEARNED MEMBERS OF THE AMERICAN LEGISLATURE.--30. - -A good story is told of the landlord of a hotel at Holly Springs, -Miss. It was a large fashionable hotel, and the landlord was a pompous -man, with a large corporosity and a ruffled shirt-bosom. Printed bills -of fare were provided, yet the landlord stood at the head of the table -at dinner and, in a loud voice, read off the list of articles in a -rhyming way--"Here's boiled ham, and raspberry jam; baked potatoes and -cooked tomatoes; turnips smashed and squashes _squashed_;" and so on. -Mr. M. asked him afterward why he read it aloud when printed copies -were on the table. "Force of habit," replied the landlord; "got so -used to it I can't help it. You see, I commenced business down here in -Jackson (the capital of Mississippi), and most of all the Legislature -boarded with me. There wasn't a man of 'em could read, so I had to -read the bill of fare to 'em." - - -A CANDID PARSON.--31. - -A Yankee divine, of an advanced age, married for his second wife a -damsel young and handsome. When the elders of the church went to -inquire if the lady was a suitable person to make a useful figure as -a parson's wife, he answered frankly that he didn't think she was. -"But," added the irrepressible doctor, "although I don't pretend she -is a saint, she is a very pretty little sinner, and I love her." The -twain became one flesh. - - -A STUMP ORATOR.--32. - -An Ohio stumper, while making a speech, paused in the midst of it and -exclaimed, "Now, gentlemen, what do you think?" Instantly a man rose -in the assembly, and, with one eye partially closed, modestly replied, -"I think, sir--I do indeed, sir--I think if you and I were to stump -the country together we would tell more lies than any other two men in -the country, sir; and I'd not say a word during the whole time, sir." - - -THE COLONEL ANSWERED.--33. - -A certain colonel, a staff officer of one of the northern generals, -noted for his talent for repartee and the favourable opinion which he -entertained of his own good looks, stopped at the house of a farmer, -and discovered there a fine milch cow, and, still better, a pretty -girl, attired in a neat calico dress cut low in the neck and short in -the sleeves. After several unsuccessful attempts to engage the young -lady in conversation, he proposed to her to have the cow milked for -his own special benefit. This she indignantly refused. The colonel -not wishing to compromise his reputation for gallantry, remarked that -if all the young ladies in Virginia were as beautiful as the one -he had the pleasure of addressing, he had no desire to conquer the -Confederacy. With a toss of her pretty head, and a slight elevation of -her nose, she answered thus: "Well, sir, if all the gentlemen in your -army are as ugly as you are we ladies have no desire to conquer them." -How are you, colonel? - - -PITHY LETTER.--34. - -General Rosecrans a few days ago received the following pertinent -letter from an indignant private:--"General,--I have been in the -service eighteen months, and have never received a cent. I desire -a furlough for fifteen days, in order to return home and remove my -family to the poor-house." The general granted the furlough. - - -THE GRAHAM SYSTEM.--35. - -A little prattler, who had been brought up on the Graham system, asked -what she should have to eat when she went to Heaven. "The bread of -life, my dear," was the reply. "Will there be any butter on it, ma?" -was the quick retort. - - -WARD BEECHER'S PREACHING.--36. - -Henry Ward Beecher asked Park Benjamin, the poet and humorist, why -he never came over to Brooklyn to hear him preach. Benjamin replied, -"Why, Beecher, the fact is, I have conscientious scruples against -going to places of public amusement on Sunday." - - -KISSING IN WISCONSIN.--37. - -A Milwaukee paper says that when a Wisconsin girl is kissed, she -looks surprised, and says, "How could you do it?" To which the swain -replies, "It will give me much pleasure to show you," and proceeds to -give her a duplicate. - - -TOO SLOW FOR PARADISE.--38. - -Pickering is a very nervous little man, who fusses and fidgets about -in a remarkably quick manner, and who holds in detestation anything -that can possibly come under the head of a slow coach, and indulges in -rather queer expressions when anything moves too slow for his views. -He is blessed with a "maid-of-all-work," who has caused him to utter -more profane words during the past three months than three years in -purgatory can atone for. One evening last week he despatched the girl -upon an errand to the neighbouring store, and according to his ideas -she remained an unaccountably long time. He pulled out his watch and -looked half-a-dozen times within ten minutes, whistled, drummed upon -the table with his fingers, beat time with his feet upon the floor, -and finally started up again and began pacing the room, as if his -nervous agitation could in any degree accelerate the movements of the -absent abigail. But the girl came at length, and her impatient master -broke forth with--"For goodness' sake, Maggie, where have you been?" -"In the store, sir," was Maggie's reply. "Well," said her master, "it -is about one hundred yards to the store, and you have been fifteen -minutes in going and returning." "Yes, sir," broke in the girl. "Now, -Maggie," continued he, "take my advice, and when you die, remain -quietly in your grave, and never make an attempt to get to Heaven." -"And why not, sir?" queried the bewildered girl. "Because," said -Pickering, "the sun is ninety-six millions of miles from the earth, -and Heaven is beyond that; and if you ever make an attempt to get -there, at the rate you move, eternity will come to an end before you -reach your destination." - - -THAT'S A GOOD 'UN!--39. - -Some one was telling Sam about the longevity of the mud turtle. "Yes," -said Sam, "I know all about that, for once I found a venerable old -fellow in a meadow, who was so old that he could scarcely wiggle his -tail, and on his back was carved (tolerably plain, considering all -things) these words: 'Paradise, Year 1, Adam.'" - - -INTERESTING TO THE PARTIES CONCERNED.--40. - -In connexion with the late riot in that city the _Boston Journal_ -publishes the following:--The individual who dropped half of his thumb -at the corner of Cooper and North Mangin Streets on Tuesday night, -may have some interest in knowing that it has been picked up and -carefully preserved by a worthy citizen of Ward 5; and the individual -in his shirt sleeves who limped off with a bullet in his hip from a -spot near the same neighbourhood, on the same night, may receive the -brick he gave in exchange for it by returning the bullet to the 3rd -police-station. - - -A KNOWING JURYMAN.--41. - -A New Jersey paper tells a story of a well-known character who -frequently figured on juries in New York. While on a jury, as soon -as they had retired to their room to deliberate, he would button up -his coat and "turn in" on a bench, exclaiming: "Gentlemen, I'm for -bringing in a verdict for plaintiff (or defendant, as he had settled -his mind), and all creation can't move me. Therefore, as soon as you -have all agreed with me, wake me up, and we'll go in." - - -PAY YOUR POSTAGE.--42. - -An American paper commends the following terrible lines to some of its -correspondents who have forgotten to prepay their letters, and saddled -the editor with sundry twopences to save their penny. The wild beauty -of the lines bespeaks the editor to have been in a mesmeric _coma_:-- - - "The man who now-a-days will write, - And not prepay his letter, - Is worser than the heathen are, - What don't know any better. - - "And if you take a fine tooth-comb, - And rake down all creation, - You couldn't find a meaner man - In this 'ere mighty nation." - - -SOUND ADVICE.--43. - -The private secretary of a cabinet minister is a wag. The other day -a young man, decidedly inebriated, walked into the executive chamber -and asked for the governor. "What do you want with him?" inquired the -secretary. "Oh, I want an office with a good salary--a sinecure." -"Well," replied the secretary, "I can tell you something better for -you than a sinecure--you had better try a water cure." A new idea -seemed to strike the young inebriate, and he vanished. - - -SIMPLICITY.--44. - -An exchange tells the following simple story of a little child -kneeling by his bed to pray, as he retired for the night. He said: -"Dear Heavenly Father, please don't let the large cow hook me, nor -the horse kick me; and don't let me run away outside of the gate when -mother tells me not to." - - -CORKING UP DAYLIGHT.--45. - -It is reported that a Yankee down East has invented a machine for -corking up daylight, which will eventually supersede gas. He covers -the interior of a flour barrel with shoemaker's wax, holds it open to -the sun, then suddenly heads up the barrel. The light sticks to the -wax, and at night can be cut into lots to suit purchasers. - - -A BABY STORY.--46. - -A very curious baby story comes to us from New Jersey. A mother and a -daughter were confined on the same day, each having a little son. In -the bustle of the moment, both babies were placed in the same cradle, -and, to the confusion of the mothers, when the youngsters were taken -from the cradle, they were unable to tell which was the mother's and -which was the daughter's son--a matter which, of course, must ever -remain a mystery. The family is in the greatest distress over the -affair. - - -MARRIAGE NOTICES.--47. - -A Western paper gives the following notice:--All notices of marriage, -where no bride-cake is sent, will be set up in small type, and poked -into some outlandish corner of the papers. Where a handsome piece of -cake is sent, it will be put conspicuously in large letters; when -gloves, or other bride favours are added, a piece of illustrative -poetry will be given in addition. When, however, the editor attends -the ceremony in _propriâ personâ_, and kisses the bride, it will have -especial notice--very large type, and the most appropriate poetry that -can be begged, borrowed, stolen, or coined from the brain editorial. - - -A HOMELY FLAG OF TRUCE.--48. - -A rebel at Gettysburg, wishing to surrender, and having nothing -else for a flag of truce, dived his hands into his pantaloons, and -elevated his shirt above his head, amid roars of laughter from the -Federals, who immediately accepted his unconditional surrender. Rather -a good thing for that rebel that he was the possessor of such a luxury -as a reasonably clean shirt. - - -HE HAD HIM THAT TIME.--49. - -A candidate for office, wishing to describe his opponent as a -"soulless man," said: "Some persons hold the opinion that just at -the precise moment after one human being dies, another is born, -and the soul enters and animates the new-born babe. Now, I have -made particular inquiries concerning my opponent, and I find that -for some hours before he drew breath nothing but a donkey died. -Fellow-citizens, I will now leave you to draw the inference." - - -"DE DISSOLUTION OF COPARSNIPS."--50. - -A coloured firm in Newark, New Jersey, having suffered some pecuniary -embarrassments, recently closed business, and the senior member gave -to the public the following "notis:"--"De dissolution of coparsnips -heretofo resisting twixt me and Mose Jones in the barber perfession, -am heretofo resolved. Pussons who ose must pay to de scriber. Dem what -de firm ose must call on Jones, as de firm is insolved." - - -UNACCEPTABLE GRATITUDE.--51. - -Lieutenant J----n, late of the 16th regiment, was, a few days ago, -walking down Main Street, Utica, when he was accosted by a fellow, -half soldier, half beggar, with a most reverential military salute. -"God bless your honour," said the man, whose accent betrayed him to -be Irish, "and long life to you." "How do you know me?" said the -lieutenant. "Is it how do I know your honour?" responded Pat. "Good -right, sure, I have to know the man who saved my life in battle." The -lieutenant, highly gratified at this tribute to his valour, slid a -fifty cent bill into his hand, and asked him when. "God bless your -honour, and long life to you," said the grateful veteran. "Sure it was -at Antietam, when, seeing your honour run away as fast as your legs -could carry you from the rebels I followed your lead, and ran after -you out of the way whereby, under God, I saved my life. Oh! good luck -to your honour; I never will forget it to you." - - -FEELING HER WAY.--52. - -General Schenck, discussing the Democratic platform, in a speech -at Hamilton, Ohio, brought down the House by the following -illustration:--"I know nothing at all that is like it, unless it may -be the character of the fruit that is sold by an old lady who sits at -the door of the court-house in Cincinnati. She is a shrewd old woman. -A young sprig of a lawyer stepped up one day and said to her, 'You -seem to have some fine apples; are they sweet or sour?' The old lady -tried to take the measure of her customer, and find out whether his -taste was for sweet or sour apples. 'Why, sir,' said she, 'they are -rather acid; a sort of low tart, inclined to be very sweet.'" - - -FORENSIC ELOQUENCE.--53. - -The following is as an extract from the recent address of a barrister -"out West" to a jury:--"The law expressly declares, gentlemen, in the -beautiful language of Shakspeare, that where no doubt exists of the -prisoner, it is your duty to fetch him in innocent. If you keep this -fact in view, in the case of my client, gentlemen, you will have the -honour of making a friend of him and all his relations, and you can -allers look upon this occasion and reflect with pleasure that you have -done as you would be done by. But if, on the other hand, you disregard -the principle of law, and set at naught my eloquent remarks and fetch -him in guilty, the silent twitches of conscience will follow you all -over every fair cornfield, I reckon, and my injured and down-trodden -client will be apt to light on you one of these dark nights, _as my -cat lights on a sasserful of new milk_." - - -STORY WITH A MORAL.--54. - -A young Yankee had formed an attachment for the daughter of a rich -old farmer, and after agreeing with the "bonnie lassie" went to the -old farmer to ask his consent; and during the ceremony, which was an -awkward one with Jonathan, he whittled away at a stick. The old man -watched the movements of the knife, at the same time continuing to -talk on the prospects of his future son-in-law, as he supposed, until -the stick was dwindled down to naught. He then spoke as follows:--"You -have fine property, you have steady habits; good enough looking; but -you can't have my daughter. Had you made something, no matter what, -of the stick you whittled away, you could have had her; as it is you -cannot. Your property will go as the stick did, little by little, -until all is gone, and your family reduced to want. I have read your -character; you have my answer." - - -ODD EXCUSE FOR NOT BEING HUNG.--55. - -Two bushwhackers were captured, both of whom were very properly dealt -with summarily by being hanged. One of them had received a shot in -the shoulder, inflicting a painful wound, disabling him from making -his escape. While the officer was arranging the hempen necklace about -the wounded tory's neck, it produced considerable pain in the wounded -shoulder, which induced him to exclaim--"Oh! do please don't! I don't -believe I can bear to be hung--my shoulder is so sore!" - - -AN AGREEABLE CUSTOMER.--56. - -"Stranger, I want to leave my dog in this 'ere office till the boat -starts; I'm afraid somebody will steal him." "You can't do it," said -the clerk; "take him out." "Well, stranger, that is cruel; but you're -both dispositioned alike, and he's kinder company for you." "Take him -out!" roared the clerk. "Well, stranger, I don't think you're honest, -and you want watching. Here, Dragon," he said to the dog, "sit down -here, and watch that fellow sharp!" and turning on his heel said: "Put -him out, stranger, if he's troublesome." The dog lay there till the -boat started, watching and howling at every movement of the clerk, who -gave him the better half of the office. - - -FAILED FOR A GOOD REASON.--57. - -Many a glorious speculation has failed for the same good reason that -the old Taxan ranger gave when he was asked why he didn't buy land -when it was dog cheap. "Wall, I did come nigh onto taking eight -thousand acres once't," said old Joe, mournfully. "You see, two of -the boys came in one day from an Indian hunt without any shoes, and -offered me their titles to two leagues just below for a pair of -boots." "For a pair of boots!" we exclaimed. "But why on earth did you -not take it? They'd be worth a hundred thousand dollars to-day. Why -did'nt you give them the boots?" "Just because I did'nt have the boots -to give," said old Joe, as he took another chew of tobacco, quite as -contented as if he owned two hundred leagues of land. - - -WRITING TO THE OLD WOMAN.--58. - -"Massa," said the black steward to his captain, as they fell in with -a homeward-bound vessel, "I wish you would write a few lines for me -to the old woman, 'cause I can't write." The good-natured skipper -complied, and wrote all that Pompey dictated. As the captain was about -to seal up the letter, Pompey reminded him that he had omitted to say, -"Please 'scuse de bad writin' and spellin'." - - -"I'M THE BAGGAGE."--59. - -As the mid-day Worcester train was about leaving the _dépôt_, a man of -the Johnsonian type of manners entered one of the cars, and gruffly -requested that two young ladies occupying separate seats should sit -together, that he and his friend might enjoy a _tête-à-tête_ on the -other seat. "But," said one of the damsels, blushing, "this seat -is engaged." "Engaged, is it?" brusquely responded the man; "who -engaged it!" "A young man," said the conscious maiden. "A young man, -eh! where's his baggage?" persisted Ursa Major. "I'm his baggage, -Old Hateful," replied the demure damsel, putting her rosy lips into -the prettiest pout. "Old Hateful" subsided; the young man came -in, extended his arm protectingly, almost caressingly, around his -"baggage," and Mr. Conductor Capron started the train. - - -CROSS PURPOSES.--60. - -A colporteur recently entered a log-house of a dweller in Ohio, and -asked the mistress of the household if they had the gospel there. -She said: "No; but they have it dreadful bad about four miles below." -This may have been the same colporteur who entered another log-house, -and inquired if there were any Presbyterians in that vicinity. He was -answered: "I guess not; my old man has not killed any since we have -lived here." In one instance the colporteur was taken for a doctor; in -the other for a hunter. - - -THE CHICKENS IN TENNESSEE.--61. - -One day a wealthy old lady, whose plantation was in the vicinity of -the camp, came in and inquired for General Payne. When the commander -made his appearance, the old lady, in warm language, at once -acquainted him with the fact that his men had stolen her last coop -full of chickens, and demanded their restitution or their value in -currency. "I am sorry for you, madam," replied the general, "but I -can't help it. The fact is, madam, we are determined to squelch out -the rebellion, if it takes every chicken in Tennessee." - - -A SONNET INSTEAD OF A BONNET.--62. - -An officer in Banks's department recently received a letter from his -little daughter at home, asking him to send her money with which to -buy a new bonnet, to which he replied as follows:-- - - "I would send you a kiss, dear daughter, - As pure from a fond father's lips, - And as chaste as the drop of water - That fresh from an icicle drips; - But kisses thus sent in a letter - Would lose all their sweetness for thee, - And I know it would please thee far better - To receive a few greenbacks from me. - But as I am 'hard up,' and you not in need, - You will have to put up with the will for the deed; - I therefore send you this nice little sonnet, - Instead of the greenbacks to buy you a bonnet." - - -THE OLD HEN AND CHICKENS.--63. - -Aunt E. was trying to persuade little Eddy to retire at sundown. "You -see, my dear, how the little chickens go to roost at that time." "Yes, -aunty," replied Eddy, "but the old hen always goes with them." Aunty -tried no more arguments with him. - - -STRANGE PECULIARITIES.--64. - -A Western editor sums up the peculiarities of a contemporary as -follows:--He is too lazy to earn a meal, and too mean to enjoy one. He -was never generous but once, and that was when he gave the itch to an -apprentice boy--so much for his goodness of heart! Of his industry, he -says, the public may judge when he states that the only time he ever -worked was when he mistook castor oil for honey. - - -GRIM WELCOME.--65. - -On the evening before the last unsuccessful attempt to storm the -defences of Port Hudson, some of our skirmishers were endeavouring, -under cover of darkness, to draw closer to the rebel works. A rebel -sentinel discovered them, and hallooed out: "How are you, Yank?" One -of our men replied: "Yes, we're bound to come." "All right," returned -the rebel, "we have got room enough to bury you." - - -BACHELORISM A LUXURY.--66. - -"You bachelors ought to be taxed," said Mrs. Dackford to a resolute -evader of the matrimonial noose. "I agree with you perfectly, madam," -was the reply, "for bachelorism is a luxury." - - -A COOL CUSTOMER.--67. - -The _Winsted_ (Ct.) _Herald_ thinks the fellow who wrote the -following note, not considering it any disappointment to postpone -his wedding, is a philosopher. The note was addressed to a Winsted -clothing dealer:--"Dear Sir,--I do not care for the velvet collar, -so you may do as you please about putting it on. It was no serious -disappointment, only I should have been married if I had received the -goods." - - -SCRIPTURE NAMES.--68. - -Some young ladies who had been attending an evening party, desired -to return home, but had no male attendant. The master of the house -requested his son to accompany them, and made use of a scripture name. -What was it? Jeroboam--Jerry beau 'em. - -Jerry proving reluctant, the gentleman desired another son to act as -escort. What scripture name did he utter? Lemuel--Lem you will. - -Still there was a difficulty, and a like request was made in a similar -manner to another son. What was it? Samuel--Sam you will. - -Sam having consented, the parties took their seats in a sleigh, for -the purpose of going home. It was found there was plenty of room for -one more. What scripture name did the old gentleman use to induce -another son to accompany the guests? Benjamin--Ben jam in. - -The driver was requested to start in another scripture name. What was -it? Joshua--Josh away. - -When the sleigh was fairly off, it was discovered that one of the -young ladies had been left behind. There was no possibility of -recalling her companions, so the old gentleman asked still another of -his sons to console the young lady for her disappointment. What was -the last scripture name thus used? Ebenezer--Eben ease her. - - -AN INQUIRING MIND.--69. - -Some people have very inquiring minds; but few, we think, carry their -curiosity so far as a Yankee friend of ours, who rang the bell of a -fashionable residence the other day, and when the servant girl made -her appearance, politely inquired, "What are you going to have for -dinner to-day?" The girl, thinking the man was one of their tradesmen, -and had made the inquiry in his business capacity, innocently replied, -"Mutton, sir." "Mutton--with sauce?" "Yes, sir." "Ah, well! I was -passing by, and thought I would inquire. Good morning." The servant -was indignant when she came to comprehend the man's motive, but he was -too far up the street to hear her angry denunciations. - - -THE WAY OF THE WORLD.--70. - -Mr. Dickson, a coloured barber in a large New England town, was -shaving one of his customers, a respectable citizen, one morning, -when a conversation occurred between them respecting Mr. Dickson's -former connexion with a coloured church in that place. "I believe -you are connected with the church in Elm Street, are you not, Mr. -Dickson?" said the customer. "No, sah, not at all." "Why did you leave -your connexion, Mr. Dickson, if I maybe permitted to ask?" "Well, I'll -tell you, sah," said Mr. Dickson; "it was just like dis: I jined the -church in good fait; I gave ten dollars towards de stated gospel de -fus' year, and de church people call me _Brudder_ Dickson; the second -year my business was not so good, and I gib only five dollars. Dat -year people call me _Mr._ Dickson. Dis razor hurt you, sah?" "No, the -razor goes tolerably well." "Well, sah, the third I fell berry poor; -had sickness in my family, and didn't gib nothin' for preachin'. Well, -sah, arter dat dey call me 'dat ole nigger Dickson,' and I left 'em." - - -KNOCKING AT THE CHURCH DOOR.--71. - -An Indianapolis editor attending church on a recent Sabbath for the -first time in many years, stopped at the entrance, and after looking -in vain for the bell-pull, deliberately knocked at the door, and -politely waited until somebody opened it and let him in. - - -SCENE IN AN AMERICAN COURT.--72. - -There was a hush in the police court-room as the red-nosed judge took -his seat upon the bench, and in a pompous tone of authority shouted, -"Bring the prisoner into court!" "Here I am, bound to blaze, as the -spirit of turpentine said when he was all a-fire," said the prisoner. -"We'll take a little fire out of you. How do you live?" asked the -judge. "I ain't particular, as the oyster said when they asked him -if he'd be roasted or fried." "We don't want to know what the oyster -said, or the spirits of turpentine either. What do you follow?" -"Anything that comes in my way, as the locomotive said when she ran -over a little nigger." "Don't care anything about the locomotive. What -is your business?" "That's various, as the cat said when she stole -the chicken off the table." "If I hear any more absurd comparisons, -I will give you twelve months." "I'm done, as the beefsteak said to -the cook." "Now, sir, your punishment shall depend on the shortness -and correctness of your answers. I suppose you live by going round -the docks." "No, sir; I can't go around the docks without a coat, -and I ain't got none." "Answer me, sir! How do you get your bread?" -"Sometimes at the baker's, and sometimes I eat taters." "No more of -your stupid nonsense. How do you support yourself?" "Sometimes on my -legs, and sometimes on a chair." "How do you keep yourself alive?" "By -breathing, sir." "I order you to answer this question correctly. How -do you do?" "Pretty well, I thank you, judge. How do you do?" "I shall -have to commit you." "Well, you've committed yourself first, that's -some consolation." The prisoner went out of court with a jerk, and was -hastened to gaol. - - -SOAP COMING HANDY.--73. - -During one of the recent battles, while a regiment of our troops -was rapidly marching over a dusty road, in changing their position -on the field, a soldier noticed a cake of soap at a little distance -from the rank, and sprang forward to get it, saying, "I shall need -it after this fight." The shells of the enemy were falling thickly; -and just as the soldier seized the soap, one dropped close behind him -and exploded, tearing open an immense hole in the earth, and nearly -burying the poor fellow. Every one supposed he was blown to pieces, -but almost immediately he struggled out, begrimed with dirt from head -to foot, yet holding on to the soap, and exclaiming, "There, I told -you I should need it!" Fortunately, he passed through the battle -unhurt, and found his well-earned soap a great convenience. - - -A CONDENSED NOVEL.--74. - -Josh, here am a seafaring novel, dat missis gib me, case she know'd I -was too lazy to read de whole book; and, by golly, it am just de ting -for dese people dat lub to skip ober such stuff! Just read it: Gulf -of Mexico; small ship; young man; very interesting; very romantic; -black glossy curls; aquiline features; florid complexion; commanding -figure; black clouds; "Pipe all hands to quarters;" storm coming -on; very dangerous; "All hands to the pumps;" "There goes the gib!" -masts cut away; storm clearing; all hands pumping; monster ship in -the distance; very suspicious; black flag; skull and cross-bones; -pirate; sailors fearful; young man determined; bound to die or perish -in the attempt; armed to the teeth; addresses the sailors; great -enthusiasm; flag of the free; die for our country; pirate approaches; -hundred guns; pirate captain; big whiskers; crew all fiends; calls -for a surrender; young man scorns; broadside; female shrieks on board -the pirate ship; beauty in distress; young man vows vengeance; young -man's ship sinking; flag shot off; nails it to the mast; crew leave -in boats; board the pirate; terrific combat; seven pirates attack -boatswain; kills two with a chaw of tobacco; throws others overboard; -sharks around vessel; young man kills pirate captain; pirates give in; -shouts tremendous; victory; young man rushes into cabin; finds young -lady nearly dead; brings her to; falls in love; papers discovered; -young man son of a nobleman; young lady rich heiress; tells her story; -was stolen way by gipsies; sold to pirate captain; Heaven sent young -man; preserved; falls on her knees; young man embraces her; sailors -get drunk; marriage at sea; "life on the ocean wave;" ship in port; -young man promoted; land of liberty. "Yankee Doodle!" FINIS. - - -SECURING HIS TRUNK.--75. - -A traveller stopped at a hotel in Wheeling several days. His trunk -looked cheap, but was very heavy, when carried up-stairs. Traveller -disappeared; trunk was heavier than before; it could not be lifted. -Landlord broke it open; found it empty, and nailed to the floor, with -two spikes driven through the bottom. - - -A DRY JOKE IN A DRY GOODS' STORE.--76. - -An amusing incident recently took place in one of our dry goods' -stores down town. A good-looking, honest-faced country girl, came to -town with her lover, to do a trifle of shopping. The magnitude of the -store, the piles on piles of goods, the dazzling array of articles, -the rows of busy clerks, the flitting cash boys, quite overpowered -our good friend, who scarcely knew what to do. Her swain obstinately -refused to go in, but loitered about the door. The clerks being all -busy just at the moment, the young lady was obliged to remain standing -a few moments. At length, a dapper fellow, with gold watch and chain -and flourishing moustache, came bowing and smiling up to the blushing -customer, with--"Anybody waiting on you, madam?" The colour deepened -in her cheeks, as she hesitated and drew a long breath; till, finally, -with a nod of her head towards the door, she faltered out, "Yes, sir; -he is." - - -YANKEE NOTION OF MACBETH.--77. - -After having witnessed the performance, from what I could make out of -the play I don't think Macbeth was a good moral character; and his -lady appeared to me to possess a tarnation dictatorial temper, and to -have exceedingly loose notions of hospitality, which, together with an -unpleasant habit of talking to herself and walking about _en chemise_, -must make her a decidedly unpleasant companion. - - -THE PUGNACIOUS RAM.--78. - -John B. Gough, in one of his eloquent temperance lectures, was -encouraging those who signed the pledge to stick to it. "Stick to -it," said he, "as the old ram did to his butting." The story is that -a farmer had a ram which would run his head against the cows, horses, -pigs, and, indeed, against everything in motion. The farmer himself -was more than once butted over, and he finally determined to break up -this propensity: so he tied a heavy block of wood upon a rope, and -hung it on the limb of a tree. The block was set in motion, and the -ram, seeing it move towards him, hit it a blow. This sent it off; -but it swung back, and the ram hit it again, and so kept on doing. -The farmer watched him until it was dark, and then left him (true to -his nature) butting away. Early in the morning, on going out to see -how the ram had fared, he found that he had butted himself all away, -except a part of his tail, and that was hammering away at the swinging -block. That's the way to stick to your pledge. - - -A HORRIFIED DANDY.--79. - -A dandy, who was seated on the balcony of a Saratoga hotel, among -a large company, was exquisitely dressed, and very highly perfumed -with musk, which is very disagreeable to some persons. A plain farmer -happening to pass near him, commenced snuffing suspiciously, and, -looking around for the cause of the musky effluvia, he soon smelt out -the dandy, and thus addressed him:--"I say, mister, I can tell ye -what'll take that smell out of yer clothes: just bury 'em under ground -for a week. My uncle run agin a skunk once, and--" but before the -sentence was finished the enraged dandy sped from the crowd to escape -the shouts of laughter, while the innocent farmer, who only meant to -do him a kindness, was wondering what caused his sudden departure. - - -STRIKING EFFECT OF A STRIKE.--80. - -A Boston contemporary says he finds among his exchanges the following -paragraph:--"The p_r_interS aRe on A [upside down S]_tr_iKe -[side down f]or hi[upside down g]her [upside down wa]GeS, -[upside down W]e H[sideways a]ve [sideways C]on_c_Lude_d_ -tO sEt o[sideways u]r o[sideways w]n tYp[upside down e]s -[upside down i]n f_u_tUr[upside down e]! It [sideways si] -EAsy [upside down e]Nou[_upside down g_]h," -[TN: "The printers are on a strike for higher wages, we have -concluded to set our own types in future! It is easy enough,".] - - -HABITS OF A GREAT MAN.--81. - -Several paragraphs (says a New York paper) have been going the rounds -in relation to the habits of great men, which paragraphs, as usual, -are all wrong; inasmuch as we have had the pleasure of dining and -hobnobbing with all the great men of this and every other country -on the face of the globe. An illustration will prove this to the -satisfaction of everybody. Mr. Seward generally rises from his bed -in the morning about the time he gets up. He rarely, if ever, eats -his breakfast before he gets it. He is not particular what kind of -food he has, if he is provided with what he calls for. In his dress -he is plain; never appearing in public without his pantaloons. He -never wears his vest outside of his coat. He speaks his native dialect -without a foreign accent. As an evidence of the methodical precision -with which he attends to business, it is only necessary to allude to -the fact that he invariably draws his salary the moment it is due; his -memory in this respect is prodigious. He generally writes on paper, -and uses a pen, which at intervals he dips into a stand of ink, that -he keeps upon his table. - - -BILLY BRAY.--82. - -The enrolling officer of Salisbury district, Maryland, was very -active and thorough in the performance of his duty. One day he went -to the house of a countryman, and finding none of the male members of -the family at home, made inquiry of an old woman about the number and -age of the "males" of the family. After naming several, the old lady -stopped. "Is there no one else?" asked the officer. "No," replied the -woman; "none except Billy Bray." "Billy Bray! where is he?" "He was at -the barn a moment ago," said the old lady. Out went the officer, but -could not find the man. Coming back, the worthy officer questioned the -old lady as to the age of Billy, and went away, after enrolling his -name among those to be drafted. The time of the drafting came; among -those on whom the lot fell was Billy Bray. No one knew him. Where did -he live? The officer who enrolled him was called on to produce him; -and, lo and behold! Billy Bray was a _Jackass_! and stands now on the -list of drafted men as forming one of the quota of Maryland. - - -TRANSATLANTIC MATRIMONIAL ADVERTISEMENTS.--83. - -We clip the subjoined advertisements relating to matrimony from the -_New York Herald_. As they are unique in their way, our readers will, -no doubt, be amused by perusing them. It is to be hoped that the -ardent gentleman in quest of "some congenial soul" is by this time in -a fair way of resigning his bachelorhood:-- - - "'De Factum.'--The undersigned, a young gentleman versed - in the ways of the world, and of a cheerful temperament, - seeks for some congenial soul with whom he can exchange - vows of unchanging love. He is considered good-looking, - is twenty-five years of age, and possesses a comfortable - fortune. Wealth no object, as a true-hearted lady is all he - desires. Any young lady or widow may, if they are prompted - by sincere motives, address," &c. - - "Two young gentlemen, possessed of large fortunes, but - rather green, wish to open correspondence with young ladies - of the same circumstances, with a view to matrimony. - Brunettes preferred; but no objection to blondes, provided - they are perfect--past all parallel. Address," &c. - - "I am desirous to form the acquaintance of an Italian or - Spanish gentleman with an ultimate view to marriage. As - I cannot see myself as others see me, of myself I say - nothing. Address," &c. - - "Should this meet the eye of any sensible man not over - thirty-five, who would like a wife that understands - housekeeping in all its branches, educated and refined, - whose forte is not all in a piano, he can address, &c. - Cartes de visite desired." - - -A CITIZEN OF ALL THE STATES.--84. - -A son of the Emerald Isle, but not himself green, was taken up (for -he was at the time down) near a rebel encampment not far from the -Manassas Junction. In a word, Pat was taking a quiet nap in the -shade, and was roused from his slumbers by a scouting party. He wore -no special uniform of either army, but looked more like a spy than -an alligator, and on this he was arrested. "Who are you?" "What is -your name?" and "Where are you from?" were the first questions put to -him by the armed party. Pat rubbed his eyes, scratched his head, and -answered: "By my faith, gintlemen, them is ugly questions to answer -any how; and before I answer any of them, I'd be after axin you, by -yer lave, the same thing." "Well," said the leader, "We are of Scott's -army, and belong to Washington." "All right," said Pat; "I know'd -ye was gintlemen, for I am the same. Long life to Gineral Scott!" -"Aha!" replied the scout, "now, you rascal, you are our prisoner," and -seized him by the shoulder. "How is that?" inquired Pat; "are we not -friends?" "No," was the answer; "we belong to General Beauregard's -army." "Then you told me a lie, me boys; and thinking it might be so, -I told you another. Now, tell me the truth, and I'll tell the truth -too." "Well, we belong to the State of South Carolina." "So do I," -promptly responded Pat, "and to all the other States of the country -too; and there I'm thinking I bate the whole of ye. Do you think I -would come all the way from Ireland to belong to one State, when I had -a right to belong to the whole of 'em?" - - -MIXING THE BABIES.--85. - -Patrick Lyon, an Irishman, and Hans Heidelbrooke, a German, and their -families, both occupy one house in Cincinnati. Some nights since the -families of both were increased, Pat's wife presenting him with -twins, and Hans' wife presenting him with one, all girls. The nurse -being desirous of contemplating the relative beauties of the little -cherubs, with the hopes of finding out if there is any difference -between a youthful Teuton and a cherub of Erin, got them so hopelessly -mixed that it was impossible to distinguish "tother from which." Here -was a terrible state of affairs. But the mother wit of the Irishwoman -solved the difficulty. She was entitled to two of the children any -how, and two she would take, and if either of them when grown up -should talk Dutch she would repudiate its paternity and lay claim to -the third. The Dutch woman coincided with the idea, and clasped to her -bosom the remaining child, resolved to watch for the first indication -of the brogue that might change her parental love to unmitigated -disgust. - - -DANIEL WEBSTER AND WILLIAM WIRT.--86. - -Daniel Webster was once engaged in a case in one of the Virginia -courts, and the opposing counsel was William Wirt, author of the "Life -of Patrick Henry," which has been criticised as a brilliant romance. -In the progress of the case Mr. Webster produced a highly respectable -witness, whose testimony (unless disproved or impeached) settled the -case, and annihilated Mr. Wirt's client. After getting through the -testimony he informed Mr. Wirt, with a significant expression, that -he was through with the witness, and he was at his service. Mr. Wirt -rose to commence the cross-examination, but seemed for a moment quite -perplexed how to proceed, but quickly assumed a manner expressive -of his incredulity as to the facts elicited, and coolly eyeing the -witness a moment he said: "Mr. K----, allow me to ask you whether you -have ever read a work called Baron Munchausen?" Before the witness had -time to reply, Mr. Webster quickly rose and said: "I beg your pardon, -Mr. Wirt, for the interruption, but there was one question I forgot to -ask the witness, and if you will allow me that favour I promise not -to interrupt you again." Mr. Wirt, in the blandest manner, replied, -"Yes, most certainly;" when Mr. Webster, in the most deliberate and -solemn manner, said: "Sir, have you ever read Wirt's 'Life of Patrick -Henry?'" The effect was so irresistible, that even the judge could not -control his rigid features. Mr. Wirt himself joined in the momentary -laugh, and turning to Mr. Webster said, "Suppose we submit this case -to the jury without summing up;" which was assented to, and Mr. -Webster's client won the case. - - -NOT TO BE DONE.--87. - -You have heard, perhaps, reader, of the encounter between an -Englishman and the market-woman at a fruit-stand in New York. The -Englishman had learned of the Yankee habit of bragging, and he thought -he would cut the comb of that propensity. He saw some huge watermelons -on the market-woman's stand, and walking up to her, and pointing at -them with a look of disappointment, said: "What! don't you raise -bigger apples than these in America?" The woman looked at him for a -moment, and then retorted: "Apples! any body might know you was an -Englishman. Them's huckleberries." - - -CAUGHT UNAWARES.--88. - -A wager was laid on the Yankee peculiarity of answering one question -by asking another. To decide the bet a Down-Easter was interrogated. -"I want you," said the better, "to give me a straightforward answer -to a plain question." "I kin du it, mister," said the Yankee. "Then -why is it New Englanders always answer a question by asking one in -return?" "_Du they?_" was Jonathan's reply. - - -THE YOUNG PATRIOT.--89. - -"No, William Baker, you cannot have my daughter's hand in marriage -until you are equal in wealth and social position." The speaker -was a haughty old man of some sixty years, and the person whom he -addressed was a fine-looking young fellow of twenty-five. With a sad -aspect, the young man withdrew from the stately mansion. Six months -later he stood again in the presence of the haughty father, who thus -angrily addressed him: "What! you here again?" "Ah, old man," proudly -exclaimed William Baker, "I am here--your daughter's equal and yours!" -The old man's lip curled with scorn, a derisive smile lit up his cold -features; when casting violently upon the marble centre table an -enormous roll of greenbacks, William Baker cried--"See! Look on this -wealth; and I've tenfold more! Listen, old man! You spurned me from -your door, but I did not despair. I secured a contract for furnishing -the army of the ---- with beef----" "Yes, yes!" eagerly exclaimed the -old man. "And I bought up all the disabled cavalry horses I could -find----" "I see, I see!" cried the old man; "and good beef they make, -too." "They do, they do! and the profits are immense." "I should say -so." "And now, sir, I claim your daughter's fair hand." "Boy, she is -yours. But hold! Look me in the eye. Throughout all this have you -been loyal?" "To the core!" cried William Baker. "And," continued -the old man, in a voice husky with emotion, "are you in favour of a -vigorous prosecution of the war?" "I am, I am!" "Then, boy, take her! -Maria, child, come hither. Your William claims thee. Be happy, my -children! And, whatever our lot in life may be, let us all support the -Government." - - -DEMOSTHENES NOT DEAD.--90. - -They have orators out in Illinois, if we trust the description of -a certain military one, furnished us by a correspondent in that -State:--It was in dog-days, and a great hue and cry had been raised -about mad dogs. Although no person could be found who had seen one, -the excitement still grew by the rumours it was fed on. A meeting -of the citizens was called for the purpose of devising plans for -the extermination not only of mad dogs, but, to make safety doubly -sure, of dogs in general. The "brigadier" was appointed chairman. -After stating the objects of the meeting in a not very parliamentary -manner, instead of taking his seat and allowing others to make some -suggestions, he launched forth into a speech of some half-hour's -length, of which the following burst of forensic splendour is a -sample:--"FELLER CITIZENS,--The time has come when the -overcharged feelings of aggrawated human natur are no longer to be -stood. Mad dogs are midst of us; their shriekin' yelp and fomy track -can be heered and seen on our peraries. Death follers in their wake; -shall we sit here like cowards while our lives and our neighbours' -lives are in danger from their dreadful vorashus hidrofobie caninety? -No, it mustn't be. E'en now my house is torn with conflictin' feelin's -of wrath and wengeance; a funeral pyre of wild cats is burstin' -within me. I have horses and cattle, I have sheep and pigs, I have -a wife and children, and," rising higher as the importance of the -subject deepened in his estimation, "I have money out at interest; -_all in danger of bein' bit by these infernal dogs_!" - - -A PUZZLED JUDGE.--91. - -A man, named Josh, was brought before a country squire for stealing -a hog, and three witnesses being examined swore they saw him steal -it. A wag, having volunteered as counsel for Josh, knowing the scope -of the squire's brain, arose and addressed him as follows:--"May it -please your honour, I can establish this man's honesty beyond the -shadow of a doubt, for I have twelve witnesses ready to swear that -they DID NOT see him steal it." The squire rested his head -for a few moments upon his hand, as if in deep thought, and with great -dignity arose, and, brushing back his hair, said: "If there are twelve -who did not see him steal it, and only three who did, I discharge the -prisoner." - - -TO NEWSPAPER BORROWERS.--92. - -An up-country editor thus pays his respects to "Newspaper -borrowers--May theirs be a life of single blessedness; may their paths -be carpeted with cross-eyed snakes, and their nights be haunted with -knock-kneed tom-cats." - - -PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE.--93. - - Up this world, and down this world, - And over this world and through, - Though drifted about, - And tossed without, - Why, "paddle your own canoe." - - What though the sky is heavy with clouds, - Or shining a field of blue; - If the bleak wind blows, - Or the sunshine glows, - Still "paddle your own canoe." - - What if breakers rise up ahead, - With dark waves rushing through, - Move steadily by - With a steadfast eye, - And "paddle your own canoe." - - If a hurricane rise in the midnight skies, - And the stars are lost to view, - Glide safely along, - With a smile and a song, - And "paddle your own canoe." - - Up this world, and down this world, - And over this world and through, - Though weary and worn, - Bereft and forlorn, - Still "paddle your own canoe." - - Never give up when trials come, - Never grow sad and blue. - Never sit down - With a tear and a frown, - But "paddle your own canoe." - - There are daisies springing along the shores, - Blooming and sweet for you; - There are rose-hued dyes - In the autumn skies-- - Then "paddle your own canoe." - - -TO SNORERS.--94. - -An inventive Yankee has produced an apparatus which, he says, is a -cure for snoring. He fastens upon the nose a gutta-percha tube leading -to the tympanum of the ear. Whenever the snorer snores, he himself -receives the first impression, finds how disagreeable it is, and, of -course, reforms. - - -INGENIOUS BOOT-BLACK.--95. - -The street boot-blacks are one of the "institutions" of New York, as -well as of some other large cities. These boys are generally so polite -and so industrious that we rather like them, and sometimes take a -"shine up" just to see them work, and to chat with the smart little -fellows. Here is a case illustrating their ingenuity:--A well-dressed -man standing at a hotel-door not long since was hailed by one of them -with the usual question, "Shine up, sir?" "What do you charge for -blacking boots?" asked the man, who was somewhat noted for stinginess. -"Five cents," was the reply. "Too much, too much; I'll give you three -cents," said the man. "All right," said the youngster, and at it he -went with might and main, and very soon had one boot shining like a -mirror; but, instead of commencing on the other he began to pack up -his brushes. "You havn't finished," exclaimed the man. "Never mind," -replied the boot-black, with a twinkle in his eye; "I won't charge you -anything for what I've done; there comes a customer who pays." The -man glanced at the shining boot, then at the other, which was rusty -and bespattered with mud, thought of the ridiculous figure he would -make with _one_ polished boot, and amid the laughter of the bystanders -agreed to give the sharp boy ten cents to finish the job, which he did -in double quick time, and with great pleasure. - - -A YANKEE'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--96. - - Sir, I was born and raised in Connecticut; - Bolted to sea, and was wreck'd in Japan; - Quite a respectable figure I 'spect I cut, - When coming back to keep school I began. - Guess at the saw-mill I proved a top sawyer, - And as a minister made a small splurge; - Reckon I felt more at home as a lawyer, - Ere as a doctor I learn'd how to purge. - But the long words in the medical lexicon - Soon I forgot from a couple of years - Spent in campaigning against the darn'd Mexican, - When I commanded the Bragg Volunteers. - Just for a change, then a paper I edited, - Scorch'd politicians, and pitch'd into books; - That was before I was envoy accredited-- - Austrian plenipo--General Snooks. - 'Tis a slow life--that of Minister resident-- - Posting despatches to kings, and what not; - But, as they propose to run me for President, - Hang'd if I care to repine at my lot. - - -COLD PICTURE.--97. - -An eminent artist, American, of course, lately painted a snow-storm so -naturally that he caught a bad cold by sitting near it with his coat -off. - - -LINCOLN ON NIGGER MATHEMATICS.--98. - -Our humorous Chief Magistrate was lately visited by one of the "On -to Richmond," sword of Gideon gentry, who confidently expressed the -hope so common among the abolition noodles, that Lee's army would be -"bagged." The President grinned to the utmost of his classic mouth, -and remarked that he was afraid there would be too much "nigger -mathematics" in it. The visitor smiled at the allusion, as he felt -bound in politeness to do, supposing there must be something in it, -though he could not see the point. "But I suppose you don't know what -'nigger mathematics' is?" continued Mr. Lincoln. "Lay down your hat -a minute and I'll tell you." He himself resumed the sitting posture, -leaned back in his chair, elevated his heels on the table, and went -on with his story. "There was a darky in my neighbourhood called -Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in figuring up the prices of -chickens and vegetables, got the reputation of being a mathematical -genius. Mr. Johnson, a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey and called -to see him. 'Here ye're a great mat'm'tishum, Pompey.' 'Yes sar, you -jas try.' 'Well, Pompey, Ize compound a problem in mat'matics.' 'All -right, sar.' 'Now Pompey, spose dere am tree pigeons sittin' on a -rail-fence, and you fire a gun at 'em and shoot one, how many's left?' -'Two, ob coors,' replies Pompey, after a little wool scratching. -'Ya! ya! ya!' laughs Mr. Johnson; 'I knowed you was a fool, Pompey; -dere's none left; one's dead, and dudder two's flown away.' That's -what makes me say," continued Mr. Lincoln, "that I am afraid there was -too much 'nigger mathematics' in the Pennsylvania campaign." And the -result showed that in this instance, at least, the anecdote suited the -fact. Lee's army was the three pigeons. One of them was taken down at -Gettysburg, but the other two flew over the Potomac. - - -THE WRONG TRAIN.--99. - -Some young men, going from Columbus to Cincinnati Ohio, in the cars, -were getting rather noisy and profane, when a gentleman in a white -cravat tapped one of them on the shoulder, with the remark, "Young -man, do you know that you are on the road to perdition?" "That's just -my luck; I got a ticket for Cincinnati, and I've got into the wrong -train." - - -SCIENTIFIC AGREEMENT.--100. - -A California paper tells the story of a showman who delighted an -"appreciating public" with a view of the Mammoth Cave. It was his -custom, as each scene was exhibited, to explain it. When the great -cave came to view, he stepped forward and said: "Ladies and gentlemen, -this is a great phenomena--indeed, the greatest of the world. The -learned of all nations have visited it; but while none could agree -as to the cause which had produced it, they all came to this grand -conclusion, that it was one of the most tremendous holes in the ground -they had ever seen." - - -THE SADDEST SIGHT.--101. - -The attention of bachelors is invited to the following "wail" from -the _Springfield Republican_:--"There are some sad sights in this -world: a city sacked and burned--a London in the midst of a plague--a -ship burning at sea--a family pining in starvation--a jug of molasses -wrecked on the pavement; but the saddest sight to us of all is an old -bachelor, stolidly walking towards his end, his great duties undone, -his shirt buttons off, his stockings out at the toes, and nobody to -leave his money to. Were we such a man, the mild, reproving eye of -a widow or maiden lady would drive us mad. But there is still hope. -Uglier and older men than any of our friends have married beautiful -wives, who trained them admirably, and spent their money elegantly." - - -NO DOUBT.--102. - -A western editor, in noticing a new and splendid hearse, says, "He has -no doubt it will afford much satisfaction to those who use it." - - -JOB'S PATIENCE--AS VIEWED BY A LADY.--103. - -If there _is_ a proverb that needs revamping, it is "_the patience -of Job_." Now, in the first place, Job _wasn't_ patient. Like all the -rest of his sex, from that day to the present, he could be heroic only -for a time. He _began_ bravely, but ended, as most of them do under -annoyance, by cursing and swearing. Patient as Job! Did Job ever try, -when he was hungry, to eat shad with a frisky baby in his lap? Did Job -ever try, after nursing one all night, and upon taking his seat at the -breakfast-table the morning after, to pour out coffee for six people, -and second cups at that, before he had a chance to take a mouthful -himself? Pshaw! I've no patience with "Job's patience." It is of no -use to multiply instances; but there's not a faithful house-mother in -the land who does not out-distance him in the sight of men and angels -every hour in the twenty-four. - - -HUNTING UP A SOFT PLACE.--104. - -"I was down to see the widow yesterday," said Tim's uncle, "and -she gave me a dinner. I went down rather early in the morning. We -talked, and laughed, and chatted, and run on, she going out and in -occasionally, till dinner was ready, when she helped me graciously to -a piece of pie. Now I thought that, Tim, rather favourable. I took it -as a symptom of personal approbation, because everybody knows I love -pigeon pie, and I flattered myself she had cooked it on purpose for -me. So I grew particularly cheerful, and thought I could see it in -her too. So, after dinner, while sitting close beside the widow, I -fancied we both felt kind of comfortable like: I know I did. I fell -over head and ears in love with her, and I imagined, from the way she -looked, she had fallen in love with me. She appeared for all the world -as if she thought it was coming. Presently--I couldn't help it--I -laid my hand softly on her beautiful shoulder, and I remarked, when I -placed it there, in my blandest tones, Tim--for I tried to throw my -whole soul into the expression--I remarked, then, with my eyes pouring -love, truth, and fidelity right into hers: 'Widow, this is the nicest, -softest place I ever had my hand in all my life!' Looking benevolently -at me, and at the same time flushing up a little, she said, in melting -and winning tones: 'Doctor, give me your hand, and I'll put it on a -much softer place.' In a moment, in rapture, I consented, and, taking -my hand, she very gently, Tim, and quietly laid it on my head. Now, -Tim, I havn't told this to a livin' soul but you, and, by jinks! you -musn't. But I couldn't hold in any longer, so I tell you; but, mind, -it musn't go any further." - - -ENGLISH GRAMMAR.--105. - -The "Comic Grammar" says:-- - - But remember, though box - In the plural makes boxes, - The plural of ox - Should be _oxen_, not oxes. - -To which an exchange paper adds:-- - - And remember, though fleece - In the plural is fleeces, - That the plural of goose - Aren't _gooses_ nor _geeses_. - -We may also be permitted to add:-- - - And remember, though house - In the plural is houses, - The plural of mouse - Should be _mice_, and not _mouses_. - - --_Philadelphia Gazette._ - - All of which goes to prove - That grammar a farce is; - For where is the plural - Of rum and molasses? - - --_New York Gazette._ - - The plural--_Gazette_-- - Of rum don't us trouble; - Take one glass too much - And you're sure to see double. - - --_Brooklyn Daily Advertiser._ - - A pair of blue eyes-- - Just to vary the strain-- - Says the plural of kiss - Is--"Do it again!" - - --_Howard County Sentinel._ - - Our English vernacular - Is rife in abuse: - "Unloose" is the same thing - As if you said _loose_! - - --_Montreal Pilot._ - - To these observations - We also might add - Much to prove that all grammar's - Deplorably bad; - But for Lennie and Murray - We have too much respect, - To say e'en a word - Having evil effect. - - --_Anon._ - - -ALL WELL.--106. - -A young lady of extraordinary capacity, addressed the following letter -to her cousin:--"We is all well, and mother's got the his Terrix; -brother Tom is got the Hupin Kaugh, and sister Ann has got a babee, -and hope these few lines will find you the same. Rite sune. Your -apfhectionate kuzzen." - - -WHAT HE ALWAYS DID AT HOME.--107. - -There is a story told of an Irishman who, landing in our harbour, was -met and welcomed by a countryman who had been longer here. "Welcome, -Pat," said the latter, "I'm glad to see ye; ye've come just in -time, for to-morrow's election day." Pat and his friend took some -refreshment together, and presently the newly arrived began to make -some inquiries about voting. "Ye'll vote for who ye plaize," said his -friend, "sure it's a free counthry." "Well, thin, begorra," rejoined -Pat, "I go agin the Government, that's what I always did at home." - - -HAVING THE COFFIN HANDY.--108. - -A man near Cleveland, Ohio, applied for exemption from the draft -because an old mother needed his cherishing care. To show how much -feeling this affectionate son has for his old mother, the neighbours -say he has had her coffin in the house for over two years. He came -to town with a load of wood one day, and being unable to sell it, he -contrived to trade it off with an undertaker for a coffin. His mother -being old, might die suddenly, and then, as Mrs. Toddles says, "how -handy it would be to have in the house." Being of a frugal as well as -an ingenious turn of mind, he put the coffin in the cellar to keep -turnips, against such time as the old lady might drop off. - - -PATERNAL ADVICE.--109. - -"Ven you arrive at the dignity of sawin' wood, Lafayette, if you is -elvevated to that perfesshun, mind and always saw de biggest fust; -cause vy? you'll only have te leetle vuns to saw ven you gets tired -out. Ven you eats pie, as I spose you may if you lives to be a man, -eat de crust fust--tain't a good thing to top off with, if it's tough -and thick as sole leather. Ven you piles up wood, alvays put de pig -vuns on to te bottom--always, Lafayette, cause it's mighty hard vork -to lift dem to de top ob te pile. Dese are te results ob observation, -Lafayette, and may be depended on, and it's for your good I say it." -"Vy, father," said young hopeful, "vot a 'normous 'xperience you must -a had!" - - -THE FIRST MARRIAGE.--110. - -We like short courtships, and in this Adam acted like a sensible man. -He fell asleep a bachelor, and awoke to find himself a married man. He -appeared to have popped the question almost immediately after meeting -Mademoiselle Eve, and she without any flirtation or shyness, gave him -a kiss and herself. Of this first event in the world, we have however, -our thoughts, and sometimes in a poetical mood have wished that we -were the man that did it. But the deed is done. The chance was Adam's -and he improved it. We like the notion of getting married in a garden; -it is a good taste. We like a private wedding--Adam's was private. No -envious beaux were there; no croaking old maids; no chattering aunts -and grumbling grandmothers. The birds of heaven were the minstrels, -and the glad sky flung its light upon the scene. One thing about -the wedding brings queer thoughts to us spite of scriptural truth. -Adam and his wife were rather young to be married--some two or three -days old, according to the sagest speculations of theologians; mere -babies--larger, but no older; without experience, without a house, -without a pot or kettle--nothing but love and Eden. - - -NOVEL COMMENTARY BY A PARSON.--111. - -A minister at a camp meeting was delivering a discourse on pride, and, -in cautioning the ladies against it, he said: "And you, dear sisters, -may perhaps feel proud that our Lord paid you the distinguished -honour of appearing first to one of you after the resurrection; but -you have no reason for it, as it was undoubtedly done that the glad -tidings might spread sooner." - - -LOBSTER SALAD.--112. - -In a lecture at Portland, Maine, the lecturer, wishing to explain to -a little girl the manner in which a lobster casts his shell when he -has outgrown it, said: "What do you do when you have outgrown your -clothes? You cast them aside, do you not?" "Oh, no!" replied the -little one, "we let out the tucks!" The lecturer confessed she had the -advantage of him there. - - -COULDN'T HELP IT, IN FACT.--113. - -A grand jury down South ignored a bill against a negro for stealing -chickens, and before discharging him from custody, the judge bade him -stand reprimanded, and he concluded thus:--"You may go now, John, -but let me warn you never to appear here again." John, with delight -beaming in his eyes, and a broad grin, displaying a beautiful row -of ivory, replied: "I wouldn't been here dis time, Judge, only de -constable fotch me." - - -AFTER JOINING CHURCH.--114. - -Uncle Sam had a neighbour who was in the habit of working on Sunday, -but after a while he joined the church. One day he met the minister -to whose church he belonged. "Well, Uncle Sam," said he, "do you see -any difference in Mr. P. since he joined the church?" "Oh, yes," said -Uncle Sam, "a great difference. Before, when he went out to mend his -fences on Sunday, he carried his axe on his shoulder, but now he -carries it under his over-coat." - - -REMARKABLE DREAM.--115. - -A bashful youth was paying his addresses to a gay lass of the country, -who had long despaired of bringing things to a crisis. Youth called -one day when she was alone at home. After settling the merits of the -weather, Miss said, looking slyly into his face, "I dreamed of you -last night," "Did you? Why, now." "Yes, I dreamed you kissed me!" -"Why, now, what did you dream your mother said?" "Oh, I dreamed she -wasn't at home." A light dawned on Youth's intellect, and directly -something was heard to crack. - -THE NEST EGG.--116. - -Some friends of ours in Ohio have a little boy about six years old, -and a little girl about four. They had been cautioned in their morning -strife after hens' eggs not to take away the nest egg; but one morning -the little girl reached the nest first, seized an egg, and started for -the house. Her disappointed brother followed, crying, "Mother, mother! -Suzy, she's been and got the egg the old hen measures by!" - - -WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW? BY J. G. SAXE.--117. - - I know a girl with teeth of pearl - And shoulders white as snow; - She lives--ah! well, - I must not tell-- - Wouldn't you like to know? - - Her sunny hair is wondrous fair, - And wavy in its flow. - Who made it less - One little tress-- - Wouldn't you like to know? - - Her eyes are blue (celestial hue) - And dazzling in their glow. - On whom they beam - With melting gleam-- - Wouldn't you like to know? - - Her lips are red and finely wed, - Like roses ere they blow. - What lover sips - Those dewy lips-- - Wouldn't you like to know? - - Her fingers are like lilies fair, - When lilies fairest grow. - Whose hand they press - With fond caress-- - Wouldn't you like to know? - - Her foot is small, and has a fall - Like snow-flakes on the snow. - And where it goes - Beneath the rose-- - Wouldn't you like to know? - - She has a name, the sweetest name - That language can bestow. - 'Twould break the spell - If I should tell-- - Wouldn't you like to know? - - -WOMAN-OLOGY.--118. - -We (_Home Journal_) wish to be learned in the subtle science of -the softer sex. We aspire to know, at least, what it is that makes -woman so adorable as magnetism pronounces her to be, and we have -seen nothing so tributary to this science as an article in "Once a -Month," entitled "The Good that hath been said of Woman." From the -pleasant little periodical we speak of (edited by a younger brother of -our own), we quote thus largely:--"One day the Fairy Blue descended -upon earth with the courteous intention of distributing to all her -daughters, inhabitants of different lands, the treasures and favours -she brought with her. Her dwarf, Amaranth, sounded his horn, and -immediately a young girl of each nation presented herself at the foot -of the throne of Fairy Blue. This happened a long time before the -revolution of July, 1830. The good Fairy Blue said to all her friends: -'I desire that none of you shall have to complain of the gift I am -about to make you. It is not in my power to give each of you the -same thing; but such want of uniformity in my largesses, should that -deprive them of all merit?' As time is precious to the fairies, they -say but little. Fairy Blue here finished her speech, and commenced the -distribution of her gifts. She gave to the young girl who represented -the Castiles, hair so black and so long that she could make a mantilla -of it. To the Italian girl she gave eyes, sparkling and brilliant as -an eruption of Vesuvius at midnight. To the Turkish, an _embonpoint_ -round as the moon, and soft as eider-down. To the English, an -aurora-borealis, to tint her cheeks, her lips, her shoulders. To the -German, such teeth as she had herself, and what is not worth less -than pretty teeth, but which has its price, a feeling heart, and -one profoundly disposed to love. To the Russian girl she gave the -distinction of a queen. Then, passing to detail, she placed gaiety -upon the lips of a Neapolitan girl, wit in the head of an Irish, good -sense in the heart of a Flemish; and when she had no more to give, -she prepared to take her flight. 'And I?' said the Parisian girl, -retaining her by her blue tunic. 'I had forgotten you.' 'Entirely -forgotten, Madam?' 'You were too near me, and I did not perceive you. -But what can I do now? The bag of gifts is exhausted.'" - - -OLE HARRY AND OLE NICK.--119. - -When Nicholas Biddle, familiarly called Nick Biddle, was connected -with the United States Bank, there was an old negro named Harry, who -used to be loafing about the premises. One day, in a social mood, -Biddle said to the darkey, "Well, what is your name, my old friend?" -"Harry, sir--ole Harry," said the other, touching his seedy hat. "Old -Harry," said Biddle; "why, that is the name they give to the devil, is -it not?" "Yes, sir," said the coloured gentleman; "sometimes ole Harry -and sometimes ole Nick." - - -WESTERN OBITUARY NOTICE.--120. - -Mister Edatur,--Jem bangs, we are sorry to stait, has desized. He -departed this Life last mundy. Jem was generally considered a gud -feller. He died at the age of 23 years old. He went 4th without any -struggle; and sich is Life. Tu Day we are as pepper grass, mighty -smart, to-Murrer we are cut down like a cowcumber of the ground. Jem -kept a nice stoar, which his wife now waits on. His virchews was -numerous to behold. Many is the things we bot at his grocerry, and -we are happy to stait to the admirin world that he never cheeted, -especially in the wate of markrel, which was nice and sweet, and his -surviving wife is the same wa. We never knew him to put sand in his -sugar, tho he had a big sand bar in front of his hous; nor water in -his Lickuris, tho the Ohio River runs past his dore. Pece to his -remaines. He leves a wife, 8 children, a cow, 4 horses, a grocerry -stoar, and quadrupets, to mourn his loss; but, in the spalendid -language of the poit, his loss is there eternal gane. - - -PUTTING FORWARD HIS CREED.--121. - -The gentleman who edits the _Kentucky Rifle_, having been taken to -task by a lady correspondent as to what constituted his particular -faith, thus puts forward his creed:--"We believe that Mrs. Zebedee -was a nice woman and that Mr. Zebedee was the father of his own -children. We believe that guano and lime mixed together will make -splendid hartshorn. It is our opinion that a donkey's kick and editing -a newspaper are two of the hardest things in creation. We believe -that getting 'tight' loosens the morals, but we shall always contend -that it is cheaper in the long run to try the experiment with good -whisky than with a mean article. We believe that a man who can be kept -awake six nights in the week with jumping toothache, and be 'roused' -by a squalling baby just as he has fallen into a doze on the seventh -night, without getting mad or wondering why babies and toothache were -invented, is a greater philosopher than Newton, and a greater hero -than Leonidas and all his Spartans put together. We believe that a man -is not likely to be sick so often if he pays his physician by the year -as if he pays him by the visit. We believe that every well-regulated -family ought always to have one baby in it, just for the fun of the -thing. We believe that the man who invented tallow candles must have -been too poor to afford pine-knots. It is our opinion that if a number -of gentlemen are sitting together talking sensibly upon some subject, -and a lady enters, they will immediately commence talking foolishly -and keep it up until she makes her exit. We believe they do so by way -of complimentary condescension to female weakness." - - -NOT SO.--122. - -Many proverbs admit of contradiction, as witness the following:--"The -more the merrier." Not so--one hand is enough in a purse. "Nothing but -what has an end." Not so--a ring has none, for it is round. "Money -is a great comfort." Not when it brings a thief to the gallows. "The -world is a long journey." Not so--the sun goes over it in a day. "It -is a great way to the bottom of the sea." Not so--it is but a stone's -cast. "A friend is best found in adversity." Not so--for then there -is none to be found. "The pride of the rich makes the labour of the -poor." Not so--the labour of the poor makes the pride of the rich. - - -THE OHIO DEMOCRACY.--123. - -The _Cincinnati Commercial_, in a report of a Vallandigham meeting -at Carthage, Ohio, sets down what it calls "the barometrical -register" of the meeting as follows:--"Nine a.m.--Invitations to -drink are freely offered and accepted. Ten a.m.--Sober, but drinking. -Eleven a.m.--Noisy and demonstrative; liquor becoming effective. -Twelve a.m.--Generally 'tight;' pugnacity rising. One p.m.--Rather -drunk; fights freely offered. Two p.m.--Quite drunk; black eyes in -abundance--holders not very firm. Three p.m.--Very drunk; hacks and -furniture-cars in demand. Four p.m.--D--cidedly drunk; too far gone to -fight." - - -A NICE GIRL.--124. - -There is nothing half so sweet in life--half so beautiful, or -delightful, or so loveable--as a "nice girl." Not a pretty, or a -dashing, or an elegant girl, but a _nice_ girl. One of those lovely, -lively, good-tempered, good-hearted, sweet-faced, amiable, neat, -happy, domestic creatures met within the sphere of home, diffusing -around the domestic hearth the influence of her goodness like the -essence of sweet flowers. A nice girl is not the languishing beauty, -dawdling on a sofa, and discussing the last novel or opera; or the -giraffe-like creature sweeping majestically through a drawing-room. -The nice girl may not even dance or play well, and knows nothing -about "using her eyes," or coquetting with a fan. She is not given to -sensation novels--she is too busy. At the opera, she is not in front -showing her bare shoulders, but sits quietly and unobtrusively--at -the back of the box most likely. In fact, it is not often in such -scenes we discover her. Home is her place. Who rises betimes, and -superintends the morning meal? Who makes the toast and the tea, and -buttons the boys' shirts, and waters the flowers, and feeds the -chickens, and brightens up the parlour and sitting-room? Is it the -languisher, or the giraffe, or the _élégante_? Not a bit of it--it's -the nice girl. Her unmade toilet is made in the shortest possible -time; yet how charmingly it is done, and how elegant her neat dress -and plain colour! What kisses she distributes among the family! No -presenting a cheek or a brow, like a "fine girl," but an audible -smack, which says plainly, "I love you ever so much." If I ever -coveted anything, it is one of the nice girl's kisses. Breakfast -over, down in the kitchen to see about dinner; always cheerful and -light-hearted. She never ceases to be active and useful until the day -is done, when she will polka with the boys, and sing old songs, and -play old tunes to her father for hours together. She is a perfect -treasure, is the "nice girl," when illness comes; it is she that -attends with unwearying patience to the sick chamber. There is no -risk, no fatigue that she will not undergo, no sacrifice that she will -not make. She is all love, all devotion. I have often thought it would -be happiness to be ill, to be watched by such loving eyes and tended -by such fair hands. One of the most strongly marked characteristics -of a "nice girl" is tidiness and simplicity of dress. She is ever -associated in my mind with a high frock, plain collar, and the -neatest of neck-ribbons, bound with the most modest little brooch in -the world. I never knew a "nice girl" who displayed a profusion of -rings and bracelets, or who wore low dresses or a splendid bonnet. -I say again, there is nothing in the world half so beautiful, half -so intrinsically good, as a "nice girl." She is the sweetest flower -in the path of life. There are others far more stately, far more -gorgeous, but these we merely admire as we go by. It is where the -daisy grows that we lie down to rest. - - -A REASON FOR DEAR CREAM.--125. - -The _Boston Post_ says that the reason why cream is so dear is, that -milk has risen so high the cream can't reach the top. - - -ADVICE TO PARENTS.--126. - -Rear up your lads like nails, and then they'll not only go through the -world, but you may clench 'em on to the other side. - - -EXTRAORDINARY CROW.--127. - -A native of Kentucky imitates the crowing of a cock so remarkably -well, that the sun, upon several occasions, has risen two hours -earlier by mistake. - - -LOGS WANTED.--128. - -The printer of the _Western Gazette_ lately published the following -notice:--"Dry stove wood wanted immediately at this office, in -exchange for papers. N.B. Don't bring logs that the _Devil_ can't -split." - - -LOOK ON THIS PICTURE AND ON THIS.--129. - -_Matrimony._--Hot buckwheat cake--comfortable slippers--smoking -coffee--buttons--redeemed stockings--boot-jacks--happiness. -_Bachelorhood._--Sheet-iron quilts--blue noses--frosty rooms--ice -in the pitcher--unregenerated linen--heelless stockings--coffee -sweetened with icicles--gutta-percha biscuits--flabby steaks--dull -razors--corns--coughs and colics--rhubarb--aloes--misery. - - -ABSENCE OF MIND.--130. - -A Mr. Jaber J. Jenkinson, of Arkansas, whose sight is such as to -render glasses necessary, put his spectacles on his ear instead of his -eyes, one day last week, and actually walked three miles sideways in a -heavy rain before he discovered his mistake. - - -DOMESTIC ECONOMY.--131. - -The _Boston Herald_ has the following infallible recipe:--"To make -pie: Play at blind man's buff in a printing-office. To have music at -dinner: Tell your wife she is not so handsome as the lady who lives -over the way. To save butter: Make it so salt that nobody can eat it." - - -TALL RELATIONS.--132. - -The wit deservedly won his bet who, in a company when every one was -bragging of his tall relations, wagered that he himself had a brother -twelve feet high. He had, he said, "two half-brothers, each measuring -six feet." - - -WE WONDER, TOO.--133. - -A little boy once said to his aunt, "Aunty, I should think that Satan -must be an awful trouble to God." "He must be troubled enough, -indeed, I should think," she answered. "I don't see how he came to -turn out so, when there _was no devil to put him up to it_." - - -INFLAMMABLE AND DANGEROUS.--134. - -Judge Beeler put a notice over his factory-gate at Lowell: "No cigars -or Irishmen admitted within these walls; for," says he, "the one will -set a flame agoin' among my cotton, and t'other among my gals. I won't -have no such inflammable and dangerous things about me on no account." - - -A RARE PRINTER.--135. - -A western paper contains the following advertisement:--"Wants a -situation, a practical printer, who is competent to take charge of -any department in a printing and publishing house. Would accept a -professorship in any of the academies. Has no objection to teach -ornamental painting and penmanship, geometry, trigonometry, and many -other sciences. Is particularly suited to act as pastor to a small -Evangelical church, or as a local preacher. He would have no objection -to form a small but select class of interesting young ladies, to -instruct in the highest branches. To a dentist or chiropodist he -would be invaluable, as he can do almost anything. Would board with a -family, if decidedly pious." - - -SOMETHING LIKE A GOOD SHOT.--136. - -Two passengers coming down the Mississippi in a steamboat were amusing -themselves with shooting birds on the shore from the deck. Some -sporting conversation ensued; one remarked that he would turn his back -to no man in killing racoons--that he had repeatedly shot fifty a -day. "What o' that?" said a Kentuckian; "I make nothing of killing a -hundred 'coon a day, or'nary luck." "Do you know Captain Scott, of our -State?" asked a Tennessean bystander; "he, now, is something like a -shot. A hundred 'coon! why he never points at one without hitting him. -He never misses, and the 'coons know it. T'other day he levelled at an -old 'un, in a high tree; the varmint looked at him a minute, and then -bawled out, 'Hallo, Cap'n Scott, is that you?' 'Yes,' was the reply. -'Well, pray don't shoot, I'll come down to you--I'll give in--I'm dead -beat.'" - - -ABSENCE OF MIND.--137. - -A highly respectable inhabitant in the city of New York lately died -under very remarkable circumstances. He was subject to fits of extreme -absence of mind from childhood; and one night, upon retiring to rest, -having carefully tucked his pantaloons under the bed-clothes, he threw -himself over the back of a chair, and expired from the severe cold he -experienced during the night. The editor of the _New York Herald_, who -relates this extraordinary fact, assures his readers, as a guarantee -of its truth, that he received his information from the individual in -question. - - -A REMARKABLE MAN.--138. - -There is a man in the West who is described as being so remarkably -tall that he requires a ladder to shave himself! The same individual -never troubles his servant to sit up for him when he is out late at -night, for he can, with the most perfect ease, put his arm down the -chimney and unbolt the street-door. - - -SPECTACLES AND BIBLE READING.--139. - -The will of Elias Boudinot, of New Jersey, has just been proved. It -contains the following clause:--"I give to the president and managers -of the New Jersey Bible Society 200 dollars, to be laid out in the -purchase of spectacles, to be given by them to the poor old people; it -being in vain to give a Bible to those who cannot obtain the means of -reading it." - - -TO THE POINT.--140. - -An officer who was inspecting his company one morning spied one -private whose shirt was sadly begrimed. "Patrick O'Flynn!" called out -the captain. "Here, yer honour!" promptly responded Patrick, with -his hand to his cap. "How long do you wear a shirt?" thundered the -officer. "Twenty-eight inches," was the rejoinder. - - -EXTRAORDINARY MOTTO.--141. - -The _New York Herald_ has the following for its motto:--"Take no -shin-plasters (all damned rogues who issue them), live temperately, -drink moderately, eschew temperance societies, take care of the -sixpences, never hurt a saint, go to bed at ten, rise at six, never -buy on credit, fear God Almighty, love the beautiful girls, vote -against Van Buren, and kick all politicians and parsons to the devil." - - -EXCESSIVE POLITENESS.--142. - -A Californian poet gives the following lesson on politeness to the -youth of the Golden State:-- - - "Indeed, my friends, far better it would seem, - Were you to choose the opposite extreme; - Like one 'Down East' who an umbrella took, - And from the rain gave shelter to a duck; - Who to a limping dog once lent his arm, - And to a setting hen said, 'Don't rise, ma'am;' - Nor e'er to lifeless things respect did lack-- - Said always to a chair, 'Excuse my back;' - 'Excuse my curiosity,' he said to books; - And to the looking-glass, 'Excuse my looks.'" - - -"A SHELL IN DE STOVE."--143. - -The _New York Herald's_ Morris Island correspondent relates as follows -an incident of the operations at Charleston:--Quite an uproar was -occasioned in the rear of the _Herald's_ tent here yesterday. General -Terry, whose head-quarters adjoin those of your correspondent, has a -sable cook, who wanted some lead for his fishing-tackle, and undertook -to melt some from the outside of a ten-pound Parrot shell, which he -discovered lying about the camp. Placing the projectile in a stove, -and seating himself where he could catch the molten metal in a shovel -as it fell, he soon had the satisfaction of seeing one of the most -startling views ever brought to his vision. The shell exploded, and -besides blowing the stove and cookhouse to atoms, inflicted serious -wounds upon the darkey. My servant, a contraband from Beaufort, gave -vent to the universal sentiment, while he was surveying the wreck -which the explosion occasioned, and from which we so narrowly escaped, -in the following sage remark:--"De dam ole fool, come clar gown yere -f'm Bos'n an' put a shell in de stove!" If General Terry's niggers -continue to obtain their "sinkers" in this manner, you may expect to -hear that the _Herald's_ head-quarters have been removed. - - -DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.--144. - -In New York, a quick-witted toper went into a bar-room and called -for something to drink. "We don't sell liquor," said the law-evading -landlord; "we will give you a glass, and then if you want a cracker -(a biscuit) we'll sell it you for three cents." The "good creature" -was handed down, and our hero took a stiff horn; when, turning round -to depart, the unsuspecting landlord handed him the dish of crackers, -with the remark, "You'll buy a cracker?" "Well, no, I guess not; -you sell 'em too dear. I can get lots on 'm five or six for a cent -anywhere else." - - -EDITORIAL TRIBULATIONS.--145. - -The editor of the _American Mechanic_ has encountered trials unknown -to ordinary men. Just hearken unto his wailings:--"Owing to the -fact that our paper-maker disappointed us, the failure of the mails -deprived us of our exchanges, a Dutch pedlar stole our scissors, the -rats ran off with the paste, and the devils went to the circus, while -the editor was at home tending the baby, our paper is unavoidably -postponed beyond the period of its publication." - - -SAMBO AND CUFFEE.--146. - -Varnum S. Mills, of this city, tells a story illustrative of the -simplicity of Virginia niggers. He was visiting a friend in the Old -Dominion, who owns many slaves, among whom were two, named Sambo and -Cuffee, who seemed to be mortal enemies. Sambo was a favourite with -the master, who one day said to him: "Sambo, you have always been a -good nigger, and when you die you shall have a funeral. My family will -all attend, and all the niggers shall be present, and Cuffee shall -be a pall-bearer." The darkey looked his master in the face with the -simplicity of a soft clam when dug out of the mud at low tide, and -indignantly responded: "Massa, if Cuffee comes to de funeril, I won't -go to the grabe." It apparently did not occur to Sambo that he should -be "conveyed" thither. - - -AN ODE ON GAS.--147. - -A country town having been recently lighted with gas, the local editor -electrifies the community with an ode: - - "Luminous blaze! - I never seen the like in all my born days! - Tallow candles ain't no mor'n tar - When you're about; - And spirit lamps is no whar, - Bein clean dun out. - - "Sparkling lite! - I think I never seen anything half so brite; - Everything is amazing clear; - The hidjus glume - Is defunct; and every cheer - Is apparient in the rume! - - "Gloryous halo! - Your skintelashuns make a surprising display; - You don't need no snuffers, - But you are just scrude out; - When you are squenched by puffers, - Ojus fumes aryse. - - "Brillyant flame! - The nites was next to darkness when you came; - But candles has vanisht - Before you, and lard oil gone to grass; - Every greasy nuisance has been banisht-- - Hurraw for Gass!" - - -CURIOSITIES OF AMERICAN SPEECH.--148. - -In a book on Americanisms, published last year, a Baltimore young -lady is represented as jumping up from her seat, on being asked to -dance, and saying, "Yes, sirree: for I have sot, and sot, and sot, -till I've nigh tuk root!" I cannot say I have heard anything quite -equal to this; but I very well remember that at a party given on -board one of the ships at Esquimault, a young lady declined to dance -a "fancy" dance upon the plea, "I'd rather not, sir. I guess I'm not -_fixed up_ for waltzing;" an expression the peculiar meaning of which -must be left to readers of her own sex to decide. An English young -lady who was staying at one of the houses at Mare Island when we were -there, happened one evening, when we were visiting her friends, to -be confined to her room with a headache. Upon our arrival, the young -daughter of our host--a girl of bout twelve--went up to her to try to -persuade her to come down. "Well," she said, "I'm _real_ sorry you're -so poorly. You'd better come, for there are some almighty swells down -there!" A lady speaking of the same person, said, "Her hair, sir, took -my fancy right away!" Again, several of us were one day talking to a -tall, slight young lady about the then new-fashioned crinoline which -she was wearing. After a little banter, she said, "I guess, captain, -if you were to take my hoops off you might draw me through the eye of -a needle!" Perhaps one of the most whimsical of these curiosities of -expression, combining freedom of manner with that of speech, was made -use of to Captain Richards by a master-caulker. He had been vainly -endeavouring to persuade the captain that the ship required caulking; -and at last he said in disgust, "You may be liberal as a private -citizen, captain, but you're mean to an almighty pump-tack!"--in his -official capacity of course. Again, an American gentleman on board -of one of our mail-packets was trying to recall to the recollection -of the mail-agent a lady who had been fellow-passenger with them on -a former occasion. "She sat opposite you at table all the voyage," -he said. "Oh, I think I remember her; she ate a great deal, did she -not?" "Eat, sir!" was the reply; "she was a perfect gastronomic -fillibuster!" One more example and I have done with a subject upon -which I might enlarge for pages. The boys at the school at Victoria -were being examined in Scripture, and the question was asked, "In what -way did Hiram assist Solomon in the building of the temple?" It passed -two or three boys, when at last one sharp little fellow triumphantly -exclaimed, "Please, sir, he _donated_ him the lumber." - - -VERY LIKELY.--149. - -"From Camden to Bletchly, a distance of forty miles I travelled along -with Mrs. Greaves. She was a sweet and interesting woman--so sweet -and interesting that, fastidious as I am on the subject, I believe I -would have been willing to have kissed her. I had, however, several -reasons for not perpetrating this act. First, I am such a good husband -I wouldn't even be guilty of the appearance of disloyalty to my sweet -wife. Second, I was afraid our fellow-passengers would see me and tell -Greaves. Third, I do not think Mrs. G. would let me." - - -CURIOUS EVENT.--150. - -A diffident Hartford bachelor went to the sea-shore in August to seek -refuge from the loneliness of his celibacy, and one dark evening, -enjoying the breeze on the piazza of his hotel, happened to take a -seat that had just been vacated by the husband of a loving wife, -with whom the happy man had been chatting. In a few moments the lady -returned, and, mistaking the stranger for her husband, lovingly -encircled his neck and gave him an affectionate kiss, with the remark, -"Come, darling, is it not about time to retire?" He did not faint, but -the shock was very severe. - - -HOT PIES.--151. - -One freezing February morning a negro hawked mutton pies in a basket -around Faneuil Hall Square, roaring out, "Hot mutton pies!" "Hot -mutton pies!" A teamster bought and tried to bite one, but found it -frozen as solid as the curb-stone. "What do you call them hot for, you -black and blue swindler?" yelled the teamster to the shivering pieman. -"Wy, wy, a white man guv 'em to me hot dis mornin'. Dey was hot wen -I got 'em dis mornin'!" "Well, you fool, it didn't take ten minutes -to freeze them in that old basket. Why call them hot now?" "Wy, bless -you, dats de name ob 'em--de name ob 'em! If I didn't holler de right -name nobody would tetch 'em. You want me to holler froze pies, I -suppose! No, sa; you can't fool me dat way!" - - -A MIGHTY THICK FOG.--152. - -A rather loquacious individual was endeavouring to draw an old man -into conversation, but hitherto without much success, the old fellow -having sufficient discernment to see that his object was to make -a little sport for the passengers at his expense. At length says -loquacious individual: "I suppose you consider Down East a right smart -place; but I guess it would puzzle them to get up quite so thick a fog -as we are having here this morning, wouldn't it?" "Well," said the -old man, "I don't know about that. I hired one of your Massachusetts -chaps to work for me last summer, and one rather foggy mornin' I sent -him down to the meadow to lay a few courses of shingle on a new barn -I was finishin' off. At dinner-time the fellow came up, and, sez he, -'That's an almighty long barn of yourn.' Sez I, 'Not very long.' -'Well,' sez he, 'I've been to work all this forenoon, and haven't got -one course laid yet.' 'Well,' sez I, 'you're a lazy fellow, that's all -I've got to say.' And so after dinner I went down to see what he'd -been about, and I'll be thundered ef he hadn't shingled more than a -hundred foot _right out on to the fog_." - - -WHISKERS AND KISSES.--153. - -The editress of the _Lancaster Literary Gazette_ says she would as -soon nestle her nose in a rat's nest of swingle tow as allow a man -with whiskers on to kiss her. We (_Petersburg Express_) don't believe -a word of it. The objections which some ladies pretend to have to -whiskers all arise from envy. They don't have any. They would if they -could; but the fact is, the continual motion of the lower jaw is fatal -to their growth. The ladies--God bless them!--adopt our fashion as -far as they can. Look at the depredations they have committed on our -wardrobes the last few years. They have appropriated our shirt-bosoms, -gold studs and all. They have encircled their soft bewitching necks -in our standing collars and cravats--driving them to flatties and -turn-downs. Their innocent little hearts have been palpitating in the -inside of our waistcoats, instead of thumping against the outside, -as naturally intended. They have thrust their pretty feet and ankles -through our unmentionables, unwhisperables, unthinkaboutables; and -they are skipping along the streets in our high-heeled boots. Do you -hear, gentlemen?--we say boots! - - -LITTLES.--154. - -Everything is beautiful when it is little (except souls!)--little -pigs, little lambs, little birds, little kittens, little children. -Little Martin boxes of houses are generally the most happy and cozy; -little villages are nearer to being atoms of a shattered paradise -than anything we know of. Little fortunes bring the most content, and -little hopes the least disappointment. Little words are the sweetest -to hear, and little charities fly furthest and stay the longest on -the wing. Little lakes are the stillest, little hearts the fullest, -and little farms the best tilled. Little books the most read, and -little songs the best loved. And when Nature would make anything -especially rare and beautiful, she makes it little--little pearls, -little diamonds, little dews. Agar's is a model prayer, but then it -is a little prayer, and the burden of the petition is for little. -The Sermon on the Mount is little, but the last dedication discourse -was two hours. The Roman said, "_Veni, vidi, vici_"--I came, saw, -conquered; but despatches now-a-days are longer than the battles they -tell of. Everybody calls that little which they love best upon earth. -We once heard a good sort of a man speak of his little wife, and we -fancied she must be a perfect _bijou_ of a woman. We saw her; she -weighed two hundred and ten; we were surprised. But then it was no -joke--the man meant it. He could put his wife in his heart, and have -room for other things besides; and what was she but precious, and what -could she be but little? We rather doubt the stories of great argosies -of gold we sometimes hear of, for Nature deals in littles altogether. -Life is made up of littles, death is what remains of them all. Day -is made up of little beams, and night is glorious with little stars. -_Multum in parvo_--much in little--is the great beauty of all that we -love best, hope for most, and remember longest. - - -SPEAKING HIS DEEP EMOTIONS.--155. - -"My dear Ellen," said Mr. Softfellow to a young lady whose smiles -he was seeking, "I have long wished for this sweet opportunity, but -I hardly dare trust myself now to speak the deep emotions of my -palpitating heart; but I declare to you, my dearest Ellen, that I love -you most tenderly; your smiles would shed--would shed----" "Never mind -the wood-shed," said Ellen, "go on with that pretty talk." - - -SPIRITUALISM EXTRAORDINARY.--156. - -An enthusiastic spiritualist, when relating to a sceptic certain -spiritual performances to which he could testify, said that on one -occasion the spirit of his wife, who had been dead several years, -returned to him, and, seating herself on his knee, put her arms around -him and kissed him, much to his gratification, as she used to do when -living. "You do not mean to say," remarked the sceptic, "that the -spirit of your wife really embraced you and kissed you?" "No, not -exactly that," replied the believer; "but her spirit took possession -of the female medium--the future Mrs. B---- that is to be, you -know--and through her embraced and kissed me." - - -MILWAUKEE ELOQUENCE.--157. - -Western eloquence continues to improve. A Wisconsin reporter sends the -following sketch. A lawyer in Milwaukee was defending a handsome young -woman accused of stealing from a large unoccupied dwelling in the -night-time, and thus he spake in conclusion:--"Gentlemen of the jury, -I am done. When I gaze with enraptured eyes on the matchless beauty -of this peerless virgin, on whose resplendent charms suspicion never -dared to breathe; when I behold her radiant in this glorious bloom -of lustrous loveliness, which angelic sweetness might envy but could -not eclipse--before which the star on the brow of Night grows pale, -and the diamonds of Brazil are dim--and then reflect upon the utter -madness and folly of supposing that so much beauty would expose itself -to the terrors of an empty building in the cold, damp, dead of night, -when innocence like hers is hiding itself amidst the snowy pillows of -repose; gentlemen of the jury, my feelings are too overpowering for -expression, and I throw her into your arms for protection against this -foul charge, which the outrageous malice of a disappointed scoundrel -has invented, to blast the fair name of this lovely maiden, whose -smile shall be the reward of the verdict which I know you will give." - - -HEAVY TOP-DRESSING.--158. - -"It's all very pretty talk," said a recently married old bachelor, who -had just finished reading an essay on the "Culture of Women," just as -a heavy milliner's bill was presented to him--"it's all very pretty, -this cultivation of women; but such a charge as this for bonnets is -rather a heavy top-dressing--in my judgment." - - -HAIRS, NOT BRISTLES.--159. - -"I am willing to split hairs with my opponent all day if he insists -on it," said a very distinguished American lawyer the other day, in a -speech at the bar. "Split _that_ then," said the opponent, pulling a -coarse specimen from his own head, and extending it. "May it please -the court, I didn't say _bristles_!" - - -ANTEDILUVIAN DIET.--160. - -A friend thinks the antediluvian life must have been a great contrast -to ours, and pictures it thus:--"Only fancy having two dried whales -hanging in your larder, and a cold mammoth 'cut and come again' on the -sideboard. 'Shall I help you to a bit of Icthoyaturns?' 'Thank you, I -should prefer a slice of your Mastadon.' Stewed Plesiosauri! Leviathan -_à la crapoderie_! Imagine a bill, not at twelve months, but at two -hundred years; and a fellow who carried off your plate-box getting -sent to the treadmill for fourscore summers! Consider an elderly -gentleman, with a liver complaint of only one hundred years' standing, -wearing out four sets of false teeth, and finally carried off, after -a brief illness of three hundred and ten years, in a galloping -consumption!" - - -JIMMY O'NEIL AND PRESIDENT JACKSON.--161. - -When Jackson was President, Jimmy O'Neil, the porter, was a -marked character. He had his foibles, which were offensive to the -fastidiousness of Colonel Donelson, and caused his dismissal on an -average of about once a week. But on appeal to the higher court, -the verdict was invariably reversed by the good nature of the old -general. Once, however, Jimmy was guilty of some flagrant offence, -and was summoned before the highest tribunal at once. The general, -after stating the details of the misdeed, observed, "Jimmy, I have -borne with you for years, in spite of all complaints; but in this act -you have gone beyond my powers of endurance." "And do you believe -the story?" asked Jimmy. "Certainly," answered the general: "I have -just heard it from two senators." "Faith," retorted Jimmy, "if I -believe all that twenty senators say about you it's little I'd think -you are fit to be President." "Pshaw! Jimmy," concluded the general; -"clear out and go on duty, but be more careful hereafter." Jimmy -remained with his kind-hearted patron not only to the close of his -presidential term, but, accompanying him to the Hermitage, was with -him to the day of his death. - - -THE ORIGIN OF "SOME PUNKIN."--162. - -An old lady was engaged in making pumpkin pies; she had got the -pumpkin all prepared, when by an untoward accident the table was -overturned, and the pumpkin went on to the floor. The table in -overturning overset the slop-pail, and the slops went on the floor -too. The old lady being of a saving disposition, concluded to save -the pumpkin and clean up also; so she takes up one handful, looks -at it--"That's punkin"--puts it into the pumpkin-dish; takes up -another--"That's slops"--puts it into the slop-pail. So she goes on -picking up alternately pumpkin and slops, till finally she gets a -handful mixed. She looks at it, and says, "That is _some punkin_, but -mostly slops!" and hence the phrase. - - -ARTEMUS WARD ON THE NEGRO.--163. - -Feller Sittersuns,--The African may be our brother. Severil hily -rispectable gentlemen and some talented females tell us so, and for -argyment sake i might be injooced to grant it, tho' I don't beleeve -it myself. But the African isn't our sister, and wife, and unkle. He -isn't severil of our brothers and fust wife's relashuns. He isn't -our grandfather and grate grandfather, and our aunt in the country. -Scarcely: And yet numeris persons would have us think. It's troo he -runs Congress and severil others grossery's, but he ain't everybody. -But we've got the African, or ruther he's got us, and how are we -going to do about it? He's a orful noosance. P'raps he isn't to blame -for it. P'raps he was created for some wise purpis, like the measles -and New England rum, but it's mity hard to see it. At any rate here, -and as I stated to Mr. What-is-it, it's a pity he coodent go off -somewheres quietly by hisself, where he cood wear red weskits and -speckled necties, and gratefy his ambition in varis interestin wayse, -without havin a eternal fuss up about him. P'raps I'm bearing down too -hard on Cuffy. - - -A QUAKER'S EXCUSE FOR FIRING.--164. - -A good story is told of a Quaker volunteer, who was in a Virginia -skirmish. Coming in pretty close quarters with a Secessionist, he -remarked: "Friend, 'tis very unfortunate, but thee standest just where -I am going to shoot;" and, blazing away, down came his man. - - -BROTHER OF FOUR MILLION CHILDREN.--165. - -A Kansas woman, named Million, was lately married, and by her marriage -the bride becomes sister to her father and mother and aunt to her -brothers and sisters. The groom becomes son of a younger brother, his -sister-in-law becomes his mother, and he becomes the brother of four -"Million" children. What relation were said parties previous to their -marriage? - - -SUSPECTING THE SHELL.--166. - -When the mine dug under Fort Hill, at Vicksburg, by General Logan, -exploded, June 26th, a large number of rebels were killed and wounded. -Among others who were blown high above the works was an American -citizen of African descent, who fell on his head on the outside of the -rebel fort, and to the astonishment of our soldiers was not killed. -As some of the men ran towards the darkey, of course carrying their -arms, he rose to his feet, and shouted, "For de Lord's sake, sogers, -don't shoot dis nigger. I wasn't doin' no fighting; I was only totin' -up grub." When asked how high he had been, he replied, "Two or dree -mile, I reckon;" and on being asked how he came within our lines said, -"Dunno, massa; shell, I spec." - - -A SMART RAILWAY EMPLOYÉ.--167. - -A railroad _employé_, whose home is in Avon, came on Saturday night -to ask for a pass down to visit his family. "You are in employ of -the railroad?" asked the gentleman applied to. "Yes." "You receive -your pay regularly?" "Yes." "Well, now suppose you were working for a -farmer instead of a railroad, would you expect your employer to hitch -up his team every Saturday night, and carry you home?" This seemed a -poser, but it wasn't. "No," said the man, promptly, "I wouldn't expect -that; but if the farmer had his team hitched up, and was going my way, -I should call him a darned mean cuss if he would not let me ride." -Mr. _Employé_ came out three minutes afterwards with a pass good for -twelve months. - - -THE LATE FLOYD.--168. - -A gifted poet has perpetrated the following epitaph on the late -Floyd:-- - - "Floyd has died and few have sobb'd, - Since, had he lived, all had been robb'd; - He's paid Dame Nature's debt, 'tis said-- - The only one he ever paid. - Some doubt that he resign'd his breath; - But vow that he has cheated even death. - If he is buried, oh! then, ye dead beware; - Look to your swaddlings, of your shrouds take care. - Lest Floyd should to your coffins make his way, - And steal the linen from your mould'ring clay." - - -A VEGETABLE HEAD.--169. - -The late Judge Peters has left behind him a host of well-remembered -puns worth relating. When on the District Court Bench, he observed to -Judge Washington that one of the witnesses had a _vegetable_ head. -"How so?" was the inquiry. "He has _carroty_ hair, _reddish_ cheeks, a -_turn-up_ nose, and a _sage_ look." - - -OBJECTING TO MISSIONS.--170. - -A wag was lately asked to contribute to foreign missions. "Not on any -account," said he. "Why not?" asked the collector, "the object is -laudable." "No, it isn't," was the reply; "not half so many people go -to the devil now as ought to." - - -HIS FIRST STEP.--171. - -We extract the following from a popular story. It narrates the early -experience of a bashful boy:--"Well, my sister Lib gave a party one -night, and I stayed away from home because I was too bashful to face -the music. I hung around the house, whistling 'Old Dan Tucker,' -dancing to keep my feet warm, watching heads bobbing up and down -behind the window-curtains, and wishing the thundering party would -break up so I could get to my room. I smoked up a bunch of cigars, and -as it was getting late and mighty uncomfortable, I concluded to climb -up the door-post. No sooner said than done, and I found myself snug -in bed. 'Now,' says I, 'let her rip! Dance till your wind is out!' -And, cuddled under the quilts, Morpheus grabbed me. I was dreaming -of soft-shelled crabs and stewed tripe, and having a good time, when -somebody knocked at my room-door and woke me up. 'Rap,' again. I laid -low. 'Rap, rap, rap!' Then I heard a whispering, and I knew there was -a whole raft of girls outside. 'Rap, rap!' Then Lib sings out, 'Jack, -are you in there?' 'Yes,' says I; and then came a roar of laughter. -'Let us in,' says she. 'I won't,' says I. Then came another laugh. By -thunder, I began to get riled! 'Get out, you petticoated scarecrows!' -I cried; 'can't you get a beau without hauling a fellow out of bed? I -won't go home with you--I won't--so you may clear out!' And sending a -boot at the door, I felt better. But presently--O mortal buttons!--I -heard a still small voice, very like sister Lib's, and it said, 'Jack, -you'll have to get up, for all the girls' things are in there!' Oh -dear, what a pickle! Think of me in bed, all covered with shawls, -muffs, bonnets, and cloaks, and twenty girls outside waiting to get -in. As it was, I rolled out among the ribbons in a hurry. Smash went -the millinery in every direction. I had to dress in the dark, and the -way I fumbled about was death on straw hats. The critical moment at -last came. I opened the door, and found myself right among the women! -'Oh, my Leghorn!' cries one. 'My dear winter velvet!' cries another. -And they pinched in--they piled me this way and that--boxed my ears; -and one little bright-eyed piece--Sal ----, her name was--put her -arms right round my neck and kissed me right on my lips! Human nature -couldn't stand that, and I gave her as good as she sent. It was the -first time I had ever got a taste, and it was powerful good. I believe -I could have kissed that gal from Julius Cæsar to the Fourth of July. -'Jack,' said she, 'we are sorry to disturb you, but won't you see me -home?' 'Yes,' says I, 'I will.' I did do it, and had another smack at -the gate, too. After that we took a kinder turtle-doving after each -other, both of us sighing like a barrel of new cider when we were away -from each other." - - -HIS WIFE'S COUSIN.--172. - -A country gentleman lately arrived at Boston, and immediately repaired -to the house of a relative, a lady who had married a merchant. The -parties were glad to see him, and invited him to make their house his -home, as he declared his intention of remaining in the city only a -day or two. The husband of the lady, anxious to show his attention -to a relative and friend of his wife, took the gentleman's horse -to a livery stable in Hanover Street. Finally his visit became a -visitation, and the merchant found, after the lapse of eleven days, -besides lodging and boarding the gentleman, a pretty considerable -bill had run up at the livery stable. Accordingly he went to the man -who kept the livery stable, and told him when the gentleman took his -horse he would pay the bill. "Very well," said the stable-keeper, "I -understand you." Accordingly, in a short time the country gentleman -went to the stable and ordered his horse to be got ready. The bill, of -course, was presented to him. "Oh," said the gentleman, "Mr. ----, my -relative, will pay this." "Very good," said the stable-keeper, "please -get an order from Mr. ----; it will be the same as money." The horse -was put up again, and down went the country gentleman to Long Wharf, -which the merchant kept. "Well," said he, "I am going now." "Are you?" -said the gentleman. "Well, good-bye, sir." "Well, about my horse; the -man said the bill must be paid for his keeping." "Well, I suppose that -is all right, sir." "Yes--well, but you know I'm your wife's cousin." -"Yes," said the merchant, "I know you are, but your horse is not." - - -YANKEE TOASTS.--173. - -The following toasts were given at a recent dinner of New Jersey -Democrats:--"Blessed are the peacemakers." "The last man and the last -dollar--May the one be an Abolitionist, and the other a shin-plaster, -and may they both perish in the last ditch together." "State -rights--May they not be forgotten in delirious and bloody triumph -of State wrongs." "Things we remember--Habeas corpus and trial by -jury." "To the first Governor who shall have the virtue and courage -to keep his oath of office, and defend the constitution, laws, and -sovereignty of his State, and the rights of its citizens." "The light -of other days, when Liberty wore a white face, and America was not a -negro." "The Democratic party, as it was, before cowardice, treachery, -shoddy, and greenbacks had demoralized its councils." "The abolition -war for disunion--Let those who think it is right go to it, and those -who think it is wrong stay at home." "May those who say we shall -never have the Union as it was follow the example of their brother -traitor, Judas Iscariot, who died and went to his own place." "The -war Democrat--A white man's face on the body of a negro." "The only -possible remedy for secession and the only hope of the Union--Peace, -mutual concession, and compromise." - - -A BIG PUFF.--174. - -A model certificate is the following:--"Dear doctor,--I will be one -hundred and seventy-five years old next October. For over eighty-four -years I have been an invalid, unable to step except when moved by a -lever. But a year ago I heard of the Granicular Syrup. I bought a -bottle, smelt the cork, and found myself a man. I can now run twelve -miles and a half an hour, and throw nineteen summersaults without -stopping." - - -VERY ODD THAT.--175. - -A conversation took place during dinner at head-quarters at ----. A -number of officers being present, the conversation turned upon the -condition and efficiency of their different regiments. Colonel ----, of -the New York ----, stated that nine different nations were represented -in his regiment; and, after going over Irish, German, French, English, -&c., several times, could enumerate but eight. He said he was certain -there were nine, but what the ninth was he could not remember. -Lieutenant ----, who was present, suggested "Americans." "By Jove!" -says the colonel, "that's it--Americans." - - -HOW ALE STRENGTHENED HIM.--176. - -A student of an American State College had a barrel of ale deposited -in his room--contrary, of course, to the rule and usage. He received a -summons to appear before the president, who said: "Sir, I am informed -that you have a barrel of ale in your room." "Yes, sir." "Well, -what explanation can you make?" "Why, the fact is, sir, my physician -advises me to try a little each day as a tonic; and, not wishing to -stop at the various places where the beverage is retailed, I concluded -to have a barrel taken to my room." "Indeed! and have you derived any -benefit from the use of it?" "Ah! yes, sir. When the barrel was first -taken to my room I could scarcely lift it; now I can carry it with the -greatest ease." - - -LUMINOUS EVIDENCE.--177. - -"Johnson, you say Snow was de man dat robbed you?" "Yes." "Was it -moonlight when it took place?" "No, siree." "Was it starlight?" "I, -golly! no; it was so dark you couldn't see your hand afore your face." -"Well, was there any light shining from any house near by?" "Why, -no; there wasn't a house within a mile of us." "Well, then, if there -was no moon, no starlight, no light from any house, and so dark you -couldn't even see your hand before your face, how are you so positive -that Mr. Snow was the man, and how did you see him?" "Why, Cuff, you -see, when the nigger struck me, de fire flew out ob my eyes so bright, -that you might see to pick up a pin." - - -SCIPIO'S WIFE.--178. - -Who was Scipio's wife? Missis-sippi-o, of course. - - -THE DYING SOLDIER AND HIS MOTHER.--179. - -In one of the fierce engagements with the rebels near Mechanicsville, -in May last, a young lieutenant of a Rhode Island battery had his -right foot so shattered by a fragment of a shell that on reaching -Washington he was obliged to undergo amputation of the leg. He -telegraphed home, hundreds of miles away, that all was going well, and -with a soldier's fortitude composed himself to bear his sufferings -alone. Unknown to him, however, his mother, one of those dear reserves -of the army, hastened up to join the main force. She reached the city -at midnight, and the nurses would have kept her from him until the -morning. One sat by his side fanning him as he slept, her hand on the -feeble fluctuating pulsations which foreboded sad results. But what -woman's heart could resist the pleadings of a mother then? In the -darkness she was finally allowed to glide in and take the place at his -side. She touched his pulse as the nurse had done, not a word had been -spoken, but the sleeping boy opened his eyes and said, "That feels -like my mother's hand; who is this beside me? It is my mother; turn up -the gas and let me see mother!" The two dear faces met in one long, -joyful, sobbing embrace, and the fondness pent up in each heart sobbed -and panted and wept forth its expression. - - -CANINE RESEMBLANCE.--180. - -A Boston paper says their townsman, Abel Sniggs, has a dog so closely -resembling one belonging to Tom Clegg, that it often happens that -Clegg's dog takes himself into Sniggs's house, and does not discover -his mistake until informed by the _cat_. - - -MARRIAGE AND SINGLE BLESSEDNESS.--181. - -We subjoin a curious specimen of verse, which is both ingenious -and witty, and admits of being read in two ways. To suit the taste -and inclinations of the married, or those who propose marriage, we -transcribe it as follows; but to convey a directly opposite sentiment, -for the benefit of the singly blessed, it will be necessary to -alternate the lines, reading the first and third, then the second and -fourth:-- - - "That man must lead a happy life - Who is directed by a wife; - Who's freed from matrimonial claims - Is sure to suffer for his pains. - - "Adam could find no solid peace - Till he beheld a woman's face; - When Eve was given him for a mate, - Adam was in a happy state. - - "In all the female race appear - Truth, darling of a heart sincere, - Hypocrisy, deceit, and pride, - In woman never did reside. - - "What tongue is able to unfold - The worth in woman we behold? - The failings that in woman dwell - Are almost imperceptible. - - "Confusion take the men, I say, - Who no regard to women pay. - Who make the women their delight - Keep always reason in their sight." - - -A "FOREST-BORN" ORATOR.--182. - -Rev. G. D. ----, of Fayetteville, Ark., one of the genuine -"forest-born" orators, preaching not long since on "the glory of the -saints," delivered the following burst of native eloquence, which is -too good to be lost:--"Who, my bretherin, can describe the glory of -the saints? Why, nothing on earth can liken it. Ef you drill a hole in -the sun and put it on your head for a crown, and split the moon, and -put it on your shoulders for epaulettes--if you tear down the starry -curtain of the skies and wrap it round your body for a robe, and ride -to Heaven on the lightning wings of the tempest--this will be as -nothing compared to the glory of the saints." - - -HEN PERSUADERS.--183. - -The _Springfield Republican_ speaks of a new invention for a hen's -nest, whereby the eggs drop through a trap-door, and so deceives the -hen that she keeps on laying until she has laid herself all away. - -POPPING THE QUESTION.--184. - -One evening as I was a-sittin' by my Hetty, and had worked myself -up to the stickin' pint, sez I, "Hetty, if a fellar was to ask you -to marry him, what wud you say?" Then she laughed, and sez she, -"That would depend on who asked me." Then sez I, "Suppose it was Ned -Willis?" Sez she, "I'd tell Ned Willis, but not you." That kinder -staggered me; but I was too cute to lose the opportunity, and so sez -I again, "Suppose it was me?" And then you orter see her pout up her -lip, and says she, "I don't take no supposes." Wall, now, you see -there was nothin' for me to do but touch the gun off. So bang it went. -Sez I, "Wall, Hetty, it's me; won't you say yes?" And then there was -such a hulloballoo in my head, I don't know exactly what tuk place, -but I thought I heerd a 'yes' whisperin' somewhere out of the skirmish. - - -NEGRO SERMON.--185. - -"There are," said a sable orator, addressing his brethren, "two -roads tro dis world--the one am broad and narrow road, that leads -to perdition; and the oder a narrow and a broad road, that leads to -destruction." "What i' dat?" said one hearer. "Say it again." "I say, -my brethren, there are two roads tro dis world--the one am a broad -and narrow road, that leads to perdition; the oder a narrow and broad -road, that leads to destruction." "If dat am the case," said his sable -questioner, "dis elluded individual takes to de woods." - - -GRANDPA'S SPECTACLES.--186. - -"There now," cried a little girl, while rummaging a drawer in a -bureau; "there now, grandpa has gone to Heaven without his spectacles. -What will he do?" And shortly afterward, when another aged relative -was supposed to be sick unto death in the house, she came running to -his bedside, with the glasses in her hand, and an errand on her lips: -"You goin' to die?" "They tell me so." "Goin' to Heaven?" "I hope so." -"Well, here are grandpa's spectacles--won't you take them to him?" - - -TREMENDOUS GALE.--187. - -We like to hear people tell good stories while they are about it. -Read the following from a Western paper:--"In the late gale, birds -were seen hopping about with all their feathers blown off." We have -heard of gales at sea where it required four men to hold the captain's -whiskers on! - - -A WITTY SENTINEL.--188. - -A lieutenant of the 10th United States Infantry recently met with a -sad rebuff at Fort Kearney. The lieutenant was promenading in full -uniform one day, and approached a volunteer on sentry, who challenged -him with "Halt! who comes there?" The lieutenant, with contempt in -every lineament of his face, expressed his feeling with an indignant -"Ass!" The sentry's reply, apt and quick, came: "Advance, Ass, and -give the countersign." - - -A CAUTIOUS WITNESS.--189. - -A witness in a certain court, not a thousand miles from Rappahannock, -on being interrogated as to whether the defendant in a certain case -was drunk, replied: "Well, I can't say that I have seen him drunk -exactly, but I once saw him sitting in the middle of the floor, making -grabs in the air, and saying that he'd be dogoned if he don't catch -the bed the next time it ran around him!" This story reminds us of a -cautious witness in an assault case in Baltimore, who testified that -he did not see the prisoner strike the man, but he saw him take away -his hand very quick, and the man fell! - - -A POETICAL EDITOR.--190. - -The editor of an American paper has taken to writing poetry, as the -following will show:--"Brethren,--Is there a man with soul so dead, -who never to himself hath said: I will my country paper take, both for -mine own and family's sake? If such there be, let him repent, and have -the paper to him sent; and, if he'd pass a happy winter, he in advance -should pay the printer." - - -NO PATIENTS LIVING.--191. - -A jolly fellow had an office next door to a doctor's shop. One day a -gentleman of the old fogey school blundered into the wrong shop. "Is -the doctor in?" "Don't live here," said the lawyer, who was in full -scribble over some old documents. "Oh! I thought this was his office?" -"Next door." "Pray, sir, can you tell me if he has many patients?" -"Not living." The old gentleman told the story in the vicinity, and -the doctor threatened the lawyer with a libel suit. - - -CRIMINAL DIDN'T SEE IT.--192. - -A criminal being asked, in the usual form, why judgment of death -should not be passed against him, answered: "Why, I think there has -been quite enough said about it already. If you please, we'll drop the -subject." - - -A RETURNED SOLDIER'S LETTER TO HIS NURSE.--193. - -"Dear Miss T----, I set down to tell you that I've arove hum, an wish -I was sum whar else. I've got 3 bully boys an they are helpin me about -getting the garden sass into the groun but they haint got no mother an -I've a house and a kow and I thort youd be kinder handy to take care -of um if youd stoop so much. Ive thort of you ever sense I com from -the hospittle and how kinder jimmy you used to walk up an down them -wards. You had the best gate I ever see an my 1st wife stepped off jes -so an she paid her way I tell you. I like to work and the boys likes -to work an I kno you do an so Ide like to jine if youv no objections -an now Ive made so bold to rite sich but I was kinder pushed on by my -feelins an so I hope youl excuse it an rite soon. I shant be mad If -you say no but its no harm to ask an as I sa I cant help ritin an the -boys names are Zeberlon Shadrac an peter they want to see you as dos -your respecful friend which oes his present health to you.--JOSEPH -C----." - - -SUPERFLUOUS TESTIMONIAL.--194. - -Prentice, of the _Louisville Journal_, notices the presentation of a -silver cup to a brother editor thus: "He needs no cup. He can drink -from any vessel that contains liquor, whether the neck of a bottle, -the mouth of a pickle-jar, the spill of a keg, or the bung of a -barrel." - - -HARD UP.--195. - -An officer, arrived at Chattanooga, inquired of a negro where he -could find accommodations for his horse. "Don't know, sah, 'bout de -'commodations. De fence rails is all gone, and dar ain't nothin' for -'em to eat any more, only a few barn-doors, an' we want dem for the -general's horses." - - -PRESIDENTIAL PUNS.--196. - -Mr. Lincoln, in his happier moments, is not always reminded of a -"little story," but often indulges in a veritable joke. One of the -latest reported is his remark when he found himself attacked by the -varioloid. He had been recently very much worried by people asking -favours. "Well," said he, when the contagious disease was coming upon -him, "I've got something now that I can give to everybody." About -the time when there was considerable grumbling as to the delay in -forwarding to the troops the money due to them, a western paymaster, -in full major's attire, was one day introduced at a public reception. -"Being here, Mr. Lincoln," said he, "I thought I'd call and pay my -respects." "From the complaints of the soldiers," responded the -President, "I guess that's about all any of you do pay." The President -is rather vain of his height, but one day a young man called on him -who was certainly three inches taller than the former; he was like the -mathematical definition of the straight line--length without breadth. -"Really," said Mr. Lincoln, "I must look up to you; if you ever get in -a deep place you ought to be able to wade out." That reminds us of the -story told of Mr. Lincoln somewhere, when a crowd called him out. He -came out on the balcony with his wife (somewhat below medium height), -and made the following "brief remarks:"--"Here I am, and here is Mrs. -Lincoln. That's the long and short of it." - - -OPENNESS OF COUNTENANCE.--197. - -"Well, how do you like the looks of the varmint?" said a south-wester -to a down-easter, who was gazing with round-eyed wonder, and evidently -for the first time, at a huge alligator, with wide open jaws, on -the muddy banks of the Mississippi. "Wal," replied the Yankee, "he -ain't what yeow call a handsome critter, but he's got a great deal of -openness when he smiles." - - -HOLDING THE STAKES.--198. - -An individual at the races was staggering about the track, with more -liquor than he could carry. "Hallo, what's the matter now?" said a -chap whom the inebriated man had run against. "Why--hic--why, the fact -is--hic--a lot of my friends have been betting liquor on the race -to-day, and they have got me to hold the stakes." - - -THE JUDGE AND HIS COACHMAN.--199. - -One day, when Mr. Bates was remonstrating with Mr. Lincoln against -the appointment of some indifferent lawyer to a place of judicial -importance, the President interposed with, "Come, now, Bates, he's not -half so bad as you think. Besides that, I must tell you, he did me a -good turn long ago. When I took to the law, I was going to court one -morning, with some ten or twelve miles of bad road before me, and I -had no horse. The judge overtook me in his waggon. 'Hello, Lincoln, -are you not going to the court-house? Come in, and I'll give you a -seat.' Well, I got in, and the judge went on reading his papers. -Presently, the waggon struck a stump on one side of the road; then -it hopped off to the other. I looked out, and I saw the driver was -jerking from side to side in his seat; so, says I, 'Judge, I think -your coachman has been taking a little drop too much this morning.' -'Well, I declare, Lincoln,' said he, 'I should not much wonder if -you are right, for he has nearly upset me half a dozen times since -starting.' So, putting his head out of the window, he shouted, 'Why, -you infernal scoundrel, you are drunk!' Upon which, pulling up his -horses, and turning round with great gravity, the coachman said: 'By -gorra! that's the first rightful decision you have given for the last -twelvemonth.'" - - -A STAGE-STRUCK HOOSIER.--200. - -An awkward-looking, stage-struck Hoosier went to see one of the -New Orleans theatrical managers, some time since, and solicited an -engagement. "What _rôle_ would you prefer, my friend?" asked the -manager. "Wal, squire," said the would-be Western Roscius, "I ain't -partial to rolls, nohow--corn-dodgers is my favourite." - - -TAKING HIS PATIENT FOR A RIDE.--201. - -Dr. A----, thinking a little exercise and fresh air preferable to -physic, had taken one of his patients to ride, and was seen by Dr. -L----, who addressed Dr. A---- as follows: "Well, doctor, I saw you -taking one of your patients to ride." "Exactly," said Dr. A----. -"Well," said Dr. L----, "a thing I never do is to take my patients -out to ride." "I know it," said Dr. A----; "the undertaker does it for -you." - - -A SOLDIER'S FAREWELL.--202. - -The following, written in pencil, was found on the body of a Union -soldier. It commenced: "I, John Wilheimer, Second New York Cavalry. -I am shot and dying. Whoever finds me, send this to Sarah Wilheimer, -Brooklyn Post-office, New York. She is my sister, and only relative -in the country. Oh! my poor sister, do not break your heart; but I -am shot through the breast and dying, and they have gone and left me -here." * * * What followed in this paragraph is obliterated by blood. -The next sentence reads: "Write to Conrad Vitmare, of our company; -he owes me fifty dollars, which he will pay you. Oh! my dear sister, -farewell!" - - -YANKEE BRASS.--203. - -The editor of the _Brooklyn Eagle_, when arrested for hoaxing the -New York papers by a pretended proclamation of President Lincoln, -addressed the following letter to the _Eagle_ from the walls of -Lafayette:--"Dear _Eagle_,--In the language of the 'magnificent' -Vestiali, 'I am here.' I think I shall stay here, at least till I get -out. Perhaps you are surprised at my sudden departure; so was I. But -I received a pressing invitation from General Dix to come down here, -which I did not feel at liberty to decline, so I didn't. Bob Murray -brought the invitation. Bob Murray is United States marshal, and he -marshalled me the way I should go; so I thought it best to go it. -Bob is a nice man; he has a very taking way with him; but I wouldn't -recommend you to cultivate his acquaintance." - - -NOT TO BE WONDERED AT.--204. - -Not long since, an elderly woman entered a railroad car at one of -the Ohio stations, and disturbed the passengers a good deal with -complaints about a "most dredful rheumatiz" that she was troubled -with. A gentleman present, who had himself been a severe sufferer with -the same complaint, said to her: "Did you ever try electricity, madam? -I tried it, and in the course of a short time it completely cured -me." "Electricity," exclaimed the old lady; "y-e-s, I've tried it to -my satisfaction. _I was struck with lightning_ about a year ago, but -it didn't do me a mossel o' good!" - - -PETE'S EXPECTATIONS.--205. - -Pete, a comical son of the Emerald Isle, who carried wood and water, -built fires, &c., for the "boys" at Hamilton College, is as good a -specimen of the genuine Hibernian as ever toddled into a brogan. -One of the students having occasion to reprove him one morning for -delinquency, asked him where he expected to go when he died. "Expect -to go to the hot place," said Pete, without wincing. "And what do -you expect will be your portion there?" asked the Soph, solemnly. -"Oh!" growled the old fellow, as he brushed his ear lazily with his -coat-tail, "bring wood and water for the boys." - - -LOOKING FOR A SITUATION UNDER GOVERNMENT.--206. - -Petroleum V. Naseby writes that he had an interview with the President -lately, which terminated thus:--"'Is there any little thing I kin -do for you?' sez he. 'Nothin' particklar. I woold accept a small -post-orfis, if sitooatid within ezy range uv a distilry. My politikle -dase is well nigh over. Let me but see the old party wunst moar in the -ascendency; let these old ize wunst moar behold the constitooshun ez -it iz, the Uneyun ez it wuz, and the nigger ware he ought 2 be, and I -will rap the mantel of private life around me, and go in 2 dilirium -tremens happy. I hev no ambishen. I am in the sear and yaller leef. -These whitin' locks, them sunkin' cheeks, warn me that age and whiskey -hev dun their puffek work, and that I shall soon go hents. Linkin, -scorn not my words. I hev sed. Adoo.'" - - -IN BLACK AND WHITE.--207. - -A white man not long since sued a black man in one of the courts of -a Free State, and while the trial was before the judge the litigants -came to an amicable settlement, and so the counsel stated to the -court. "A verbal settlement will not answer," replied the judge; "it -must be in writing." "Here is the agreement in black and white," -responded the counsel, pointing to the parties; "pray what does your -honour want more than this?" - - -A GUARDED ANSWER.--208. - -In one of our courts lately a man who was called upon to appear as -a witness could not be found. On the judge asking where he was, an -elderly gentleman rose up, and with much emphasis said, "Your honour, -he's gone." "Gone! gone!" said the judge, "where is he gone?" "That I -cannot inform you," replied the communicative gentleman, "but he is -dead." This is considered the best guarded answer on record. - - -QUEER QUERIES.--209. - -Is Death's door opened with a skeleton key? Would you say a lady -dressed loud who was covered all over with bugles? Is there any -truth in the report that the Arabs who live in the desert have sandy -hair? In selling a Newfoundland dog do you know whether it is valued -according to what it will fetch or what it will bring? - - -DO YOU SMOKE?--210. - -A sharper, seeing a country gentlemen sitting alone at an inn, and -thinking something might be made out of him, entered, and called for a -paper of tobacco. "Dou you smoke, sir?" asked the sharper. "Yes," said -the gentleman, very gravely; "any one that has a design upon me." - - -A RAT STORY.--211. - -The _Greenfield Gazette_ is responsible for the following rat -story:--"A family in South Deer field, Massachusetts, left some -Indian meal on the bottom of an iron pan in which they had baked a -johnny-cake the night previous, in the buttery, one of the recent cold -nights, which the rats attempted to eat; but the frost on the iron -froze their tongues to the pan so that they could not release them, -and they were caught the next morning." - - -SUBSTITUTING ONE TREAT FOR ANOTHER.--212. - -"Papa," said Mr. Brown's youngest son, the other day, "can't I go to -the circus?" "No, my pet," affectionately replied Mr. B.; "if you -are a good boy, I will take you to see your grandmother's grave this -afternoon." - - -HOTEL RULES AT THE "DIGGINS."--213. - -The proprietor of a Reese River Hotel (according to Hoyle, -who has just returned) has posted up the following "Rules and -Regulations":--Board must be paid in advance; with beans, 15 dols.; -without beans, 12 dols. Salt free. Boarders not permitted to speak -to the cook. No extras allowed. Potatoes for dinner. "Pocketing" at -meals strictly forbidden. Gentlemen are expected to wash out of doors, -and find their own water. No charges for ice. Towel bags at the end -of the house. Extra charges for seats round the stove. Lodgers must -furnish their own straw. Beds on bar-room floor reserved for regular -customers. Persons sleeping in the bar are requested not to take off -their boots. Lodgers inside arise at five a.m.; in the barn at six -o'clock. Each man sweeps up his own bed. No quartz taken at the bar. -No fighting allowed at the table. Any one violating the above rules -will be shot. - - -ODD NAMES.--214. - -What odd names some mortals are blessed with! We heard of a family -in Michigan whose sons were named One Stickney, Two Stickney, Three -Stickney; and whose daughters were named First Stickney, Second -Stickney, and so on. Three elder children of a family in Vermont were -named Joseph, And, Another; and it is supposed that, should they have -any more, they might have named them Also, Moreover, Nevertheless, -and Notwithstanding. Another family actually named their child Finis, -supposing that it was their last; but they afterwards happened to -have a daughter and two sons, whom they called Addenda, Appendix, and -Supplement. A man in Pennsylvania called his second son James Also, -and the third William Likewise. - - -LEGAL ADVICE UNDER SINGULAR CIRCUMSTANCES.--215. - -A client, while bathing in the sea, saw his lawyer rise up, after -a long dive, at his side. "Ho, there Mr. ----, have you taken out a -warrant against Burt?" "He is in quod," replied the agent, and dived -again, showing his heels as a parting view to his client; nor did the -latter hear more of the interview with the shark until he got his -account, containing the entry, "To consultation at sea, anent the -incarceration of Burt, six shillings and eightpence." - - -SHARP CHILD.--216. - -Recently the wife of one of the City fathers of New Bedford presented -her husband with three children at a birth. The delighted father took -his little daughter, four years of age, to see her new relations. She -looked at the diminutive little beings a few moments, when, turning to -her father, she inquired: "Pa, which one are you going to keep?" - - -TAKING THE STARCH OUT.--217. - -"A capital example," writes a reader, "of what is often termed 'taking -the starch out,' happened recently in a country bank in New England. A -pompous, well-dressed individual entered the bank, and, addressing the -teller, who is something of a wag, inquired: 'Is the cashier in?' 'No, -sir,' was the reply. 'Well, I am dealing in pens--supplying the New -England banks pretty largely--and I suppose it will be proper for me -to deal with the cashier.' 'I suppose it will,' said the teller. 'Very -well; I will wait.' The pen-pedlar took a chair, and sat composedly -for a full hour, waiting for the cashier. By that time, he began to -grow uneasy, but sat twisting in his chair for about twenty minutes, -and, seeing no prospect of a change in his circumstances, asked the -teller how soon the cashier would be in. 'Well, I don't know exactly,' -said the waggish teller, 'but I expect him in about eight weeks. He -has just gone to Lake Superior, and told me he thought he should come -back in that time.' Pedlar thought he would not wait. 'Oh, stay if you -wish,' said the teller, very blandly; 'we have no objection to your -sitting here in the day time, and you can probably find some place -in town where they will be glad to keep you of nights.' The pompous -pedlar disappeared without another word." - - -THE EFFECT OF ELOQUENCE.--218. - -One of the late Governors of South Carolina was a splendid lawyer, and -could talk a jury out of their seven senses. He was especially noted -for success in criminal cases, almost always clearing his client. He -was once counsel for a man accused of horse-stealing. He made a long, -eloquent, and touching speech. The jury retired, but returned in a -few moments, and proclaimed the man not guilty. An old acquaintance -stepped up to the prisoner, and said: "Jem, the danger is passed; -and now, honour bright, didn't you steal that horse?" To which Jem -replied: "Well, Tom, I've all along thought I took the horse; but -since I've heard the Governor's speech, I don't believe I did." - - -HOTEL ACCOMMODATION IN THE SOUTH.--219. - -There was a traveller once, down South--say in the State of -Georgia--who, halting for the night at an inn, where he was told -that, as there were many guests, he must put up with a shakedown, -was conducted after supper to an outhouse full of cows and pigs. -"Where am I to sleep?" cried the despairing wayfarer. "Spect 'yiccan -please yisself, mas'r," answered with a grin the negro who acted as -chamberlain; "but," he continued, pointing to a corner of the lair, -where there were only two cows and no pigs, "dat's de mose fashionable -part." - - -A PLUMP QUESTION.--220. - -The late gallant General Sumner, about twenty years ago, was captain -of a company of cavalry, and commanded Fort Atkinson, in Iowa. One of -his men, Billy G----, had received an excellent education, was of a -good family, but an unfortunate habit of mixing too much water with -his whisky had so reduced him in circumstances that out of desperation -he enlisted. Captain Sumner soon discovered his qualifications, and -as he was a good accountant and excellent penman, he made him his -confidential clerk. At times the old habit would overcome Billy's good -resolutions, and a spree would be the result. Captain Sumner, though a -rigid disciplinarian, disliked to punish him severely, and privately -gave him much good advice (after a good sobering in the guard-house), -receiving in return many thanks and promises of amendment; but his -sprees became more and more frequent. One day, after Billy had been on -a bender, the captain determined on giving him a severe reprimand, and -ordered Billy into his presence before he was fully sober. Billy came -with his eyes all blood-shot and head hanging down, when the captain -accosted him with: "So, sir, you have been drunk again, and I have -to say that this conduct must cease. You are a man of good family, -good education, ordinarily a good soldier, neat, cleanly, and genteel -in appearance, of good address, and a valuable man; yet you will get -drunk. Now I shall tell you, once for all that----" Here Billy's eyes -sparkled, and he interrupted his superior with: "Beg pardon, captain, -did you say that--hic--I was a man of good birth and education?" "Yes, -I did." "And that I was a good soldier?" "Certainly." "That usually -I--I--am neat and genteel?" "Yes, Billy." "And that I am a valuable -man?" "Yes; but you will get drunk." Billy drew himself up with great -dignity, and throwing himself on his reserved rights, indignantly -exclaimed: "Well now, Captain Sumner, do you really think Uncle Sam -expects--to--to--to get all the _cardinal virtues for twelve dollars a -month_?" - - -THE CORDS OF HYMEN.--221. - -A poetical feminine, who found the cords of Hymen not so silky as she -expected, gives vent to feelings in the following regretful stanzas. -The penultimate line is peculiarly comprehensive and expansive:-- - - "When I was young I used to earn - My living without trouble; - Had clothes and pocket-money too, - And hours of pleasure double. - - "I never dream'd of such a fate, - When I A-LASS was courted-- - - Wife, mother, nurse, seamstress, cook, housekeeper, - chambermaid, laundress, dairy-woman, and scrub generally, - doing the work of six, - - For the sake of being supported." - - -CURE FOR FAINTING.--222. - -A New York man, who had not been out of the city for years, fainted -away in the pure air of the country. He was only resuscitated by -putting a dead fish to his nose, when he slowly revived, exclaiming, -"That's good--it smells like home!" - - -A CHEAP TREAT.--223. - -A hard-shell preacher, in discoursing about Daniel in the lion's -den, said: "And there he sat all night long, looking at the show for -nothing, and it didn't cost him a cent." - - -JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.--224. - -I kum to the conclusion lately that life was so onsartin, that the -only way for me to stand a fair chance with other folks was to get my -life insured, and so I called on the agent of the Garden Angel Life -Insurance Company, and answered the following questions, which were -put to me over the top of a pair of specks by a slick little fat old -feller, with a round gray head on him as any man ever owned:--1. Are -you mail or femail? if so, state how long you have been so. 2. Had -you a father or mother? if so, which? 3. Are you subject to fits? and -if so, du yu have more than one at a time? 4. What iz your precise -fiting wate? 5. Did you ever have any ancestors? and if so, how much? -6. What is your legal opinion of the constitushunality of the ten -commandments? 7. Du yu have any night-mare? 8. Are yu married or -single, or are yu a bachelor? 9. Du yu believe in a future stait? if -yu du, stait it. 10. What are your private sentiments about a rush of -rats to the hed? can it be did successfully? 11. Hav yu ever committed -suicide? and if so, how did it affect yu? After answering the above -questions, like a man in a confirmatiff, the slick little fat old -feller with gold specks on sed I was insured for life, and probably -would remain so for some years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my -most pensive smiles. - - -SHORT AND EXPRESSIVE.--225. - -Some years since there was a great gathering of people at Augusta, -Maine, to take into consideration the subject of building a dam across -the Kennebec River at that point. The meeting was followed by a dinner -at the Mansion House, and the Liquor Law being a thing not yet thought -of, the bottle circulated freely, and many of the guests were getting -"jolly mellow," when Frank ----, a wag of an editor, was called on -for a toast. Frank immediately staggered to his feet, and grasping -the back of his chair with one hand, and holding aloft with the -other a tumbler of "Old Jamaica," responded somewhat emphatically: -"Gentlemen, d--n the Kennebec!--and improve its navigation," and sat -down amid a roar of applause. The dam was built. - - -DOW, JUNIOR.--226. - -It was Dow, jun.--sacred to his memory--who said that "Life is a -country dance: down outside and back; tread on the corns of your -neighbour; poke your nose everywhere; all hands around; right and -left. Bob your cocoanut--the figure is ended. Time hangs up the -fiddle, and death puts out the lights." - - -A PROMPT REPLY.--227. - -A little boy, some six years old, was using his slate and pencil on -the Sabbath, when his father, who was a clergyman, entered, and said: -"My son, I prefer that you should not use your slate on the Lord's -Day." "I'm making meeting-houses, father," was the prompt reply. - - -INTERRUPTING THE SERMON.--228. - -An amusing incident says the _Selinsgrove_ (Pa.) _Post_, occurred in -one of our churches on Sunday, which caused considerable tittering -throughout the congregation. While the minister was in the midst of -his sermon, a little boy about ten years of age quietly left his -seat, took his hat, walked up to the pulpit and asked permission of -the minister to leave the church, saying that he forgot to feed the -pig. The request was granted and the boy left; but returned in a few -minutes, no doubt greatly relieved. It embarrassed the minister for -some minutes afterwards. - - -HOW SAM WAS CAUGHT.--229. - -An old lady who was making some jam was called upon by a neighbour. -"Sam, you rascal," she said, "you'll be eating my jam when I'm away." -Sam protested he'd die first; but the whites of his eyes rolled -hungrily towards the bubbling crimson. "See here, Sam," said the -old lady, taking up a piece of chalk, "I'll chak your lips, and on -my return I'll know if you've eaten any." So saying, she passed her -forefinger over the thick lip of the darkey, holding the chalk in the -palm of her hand, and not letting it touch him. When she came back, -she did not need to ask any question, for Sam's lips were chalked a -quarter of an inch thick. - - -FANCY HER FEELINGS.--230. - -Not far from Central New Jersey lived two young lawyers, Archy Brown -and Thomas Jones. Both were fond of dropping into Mr. Smith's parlour -and spending an hour or two with his only daughter, Mary. One evening, -when Brown and Mary had discussed almost every topic, Brown suddenly, -in his sweetest tones, struck out as follows:--"Do you think, Mary, -you could leave father and mother, this pleasant home, with all its -ease and comforts, and go to the far West with a young lawyer, who had -but little besides his profession to depend upon, and with him search -out a new home, which it should be your joint duty to beautify, and -make delightful and happy like this?" Dropping her head softly on his -shoulders, she whispered, "I think I could, Archy." "Well," said he, -"there's Tom Jones, who's going West, and wants to get a wife; I'll -mention it to him." - - -ABSENCE OF MIND.--231. - -The _Lowell Journal_ gives an account of a rich scene that occurred -in one of the Lowell hotels recently. A lodger, who had been on a -spree the previous evening, arose in the morning and rang the bell -violently. Boots appeared. "Where are my pants? I locked my door -last night, and somebody has stolen them?" Boots was green, and a -little terrified. He left, however, struck with a sudden thought, and -returned with the identical pants. The landlord was called to receive -complaints against Boots; but he made it evident that the man had put -out his pantaloons to be blacked instead of his boots. The lodger left -in the first train. - - -KEEN AND SIGNIFICANT.--232. - -When the editor of the _Bulletin_ said, "We are under conviction -that," &c., the editor of the _Sunday Mercury_ retorted: "This is -not the first time that the editor of the _Bulletin_ has been _under -conviction_!" - - -A LEGAL TOAST.--233. - -At a recent railroad dinner, in compliment to the legal fraternity, -the toast was given:--"An honest lawyer, the noblest work of God;" but -an old farmer in the back part of the hall rather spoiled the effect -by adding, in a loud voice, "And about the scarcest." - - -RATHER 'CUTE.--234. - -A Western editor was recently requested to send his paper to a distant -patron, provided he would take his pay in "trade." At the end of the -year he found that his new subscriber was a coffin maker. - - -NOVEL HINT FROM THE PULPIT.--235. - -The _Seneca Advertiser_ tells the following:--The pastor of a certain -church not a thousand miles from this place a few Sabbaths ago, -when about to baptize a child, reproved the flock in the following -fashion:--"My dear people, I fear that you are neglecting parental -duties, as this is only the second child presented for baptism during -my pastoral connection with this church." (Sensation among the -crinoline.) - - -TIRED OF HIS BOARDING-HOUSE.--236. - -A prisoner of war advertises from Johnson's Island, in a New York -journal, for a substitute to take his place in the military prison -there:--"Wanted.--A substitute to stay here in my place. He must be -30 years old; have a good moral character; A 1 digestive powers, and -not addicted to writing poetry. To such a one all the advantages of -a strict retirement, army rations, and unmitigated watchfulness to -prevent them from getting lost, are offered for an indefinite period. -Address me at Block 1, Room 12, Johnson's Island Military Prison, at -any time for the next three years, enclosing half a dozen postage -stamps.--ASA HARTZ." - - -THE AMERICAN PLATFORMS.--237. - -The _Croydon Democrat_ publishes the following platform arranged to -suit all parties. The first column is the Secession platform, the -second is the Abolition platform; and the whole read together is -the Democratic platform. The platform is like the Union--as a whole -it is Democratic, but divided, one half is Secession, and the other -Abolition:-- - - Hurrah for The old Union - Secession Is a curse - We fight for The constitution - The Confederacy Is a league with hell - We love Free speech - The rebellion Is treason - We glory in A free press - Separation Will not be tolerated - We fight not for The negroes' freedom - Reconstruction Must be obtained - We must succeed At every hazard - The Union We love - We love not The negro - We never said Let the Union slide - We want The Union as it was -Foreign intervention Is played out - We cherish The old flag - The stars and bars Is a flaunting lie - We venerate The _habeas corpus_ - Southern chivalry Is hateful - Death to Jeff. Davis - Abe Lincoln Isn't the Government - Down with Mob law - Law and order Shall triumph. - -ALL HUMAN.--238. - -A Vermont farmer sent to an orphan asylum for a boy that was smart, -active, tractable, prompt, and industrious, clean, pious, intelligent, -good looking, reserved, and modest. The superintendent replied that -their boys were all human, though they were orphans, and referred him -to the New Jerusalem if he wanted to get the order filled. - - -CONDITIONAL FORGIVENESS.--239. - -A negro about dying, was told by his minister that he must forgive -a certain darkey against whom he seemed to entertain very bitter -feelings. "Yes sah," he replied, "if I dies I forgive dat nigga; but -if I gets well, dat nigga must take care." - - -ILLEGIBLE MANUSCRIPTS.--240. - -What guessers printers must be! A New York editor, in descanting upon -the guess-at-half-of-it style of writing in which many articles are -sent to be printed, gives the following amusing specimen. A piece of -poetry before him, written in what, at a reasonable glance, seemed to -be intelligible, when examined a little closer appeared to present the -following:-- - - Alone toss'd rolls a tear by Moses, - A many things we mourn by day; - Tom and the shouting Indian chorus, - And seethe their lambs at play. - -Knowing, however, that his correspondent was not a fool, he more -carefully examined it, and he guesses that the following version is -nearer the author's intentions:-- - - I love to stroll at early morn - Among the new-mown hay, - To mark the sprouting Indian corn, - And see the lambs at play. - - -A CLOSE WITNESS.--241. - -During a recent trial at Auburn, the following occurred to vary the -monotony of the proceedings:--Among the witnesses was one as verdant -a specimen of humanity as one would wish to meet with. After a -severe cross-examination the counsel for the Government paused, and -then putting on a look of severity and ominous shake of the head, -exclaimed, "Mr. Witness, has not an effort been made to induce you to -tell a different story?" "A different story from what I have told, -sir?" "That is what I mean." "Yes, sir; several persons have tried -to get me to tell a different story from what I have told, but they -couldn't." "Now, sir, upon your oath, I wish to know who these persons -are." "Wall, I guess you've tried 'bout as hard as any of them." The -witness was dismissed, while judge, jury, and spectators indulged in a -hearty laugh. - - -A SATISFACTORY REASON.--242. - -A few days ago an Englishman came into a grocery to make a few -purchases, but was not suited with prices, so he broke out with, "What -a bloody country! I could get more for twopence at home than I can -'ere for 'arf a crown." "Why the devil didn't you stay at 'ome?" said -the angry groceryman. "I'll tell you," replied John Bull; "I couldn't -get the twopence." - - -THE OLD KING'S ARM.--243. - -The old king's arm had a barrel as long as a rail, requiring some -little time for a musket-ball to get out of it. A sportsman, in -speaking of its peculiarities, said: "I once aimed at a robin, snapped -the lock four times, then looked into the muzzle, saw the charge -coming out, raised the gun again, took aim, and killed the bird." - - -REASONS FOR NOT JOINING THE CHURCH.--244. - -Two lawyers in Lowell were returning from court, when the one said -to the other: "I've a notion to join Rev. Mr. ----'s church; been -debating the matter for some time. What do you think of it?" "Wouldn't -do it," said the other. "Well, why?" "Because it could do you no -possible good, while it would be a great injury to the church." - - -IRISH EXHORTATION.--245. - -An Irishman in Pittsburgh, who was exhorting the people against -profane swearing, said he was grieved to see what he had seen in that -town. "My friends," said he, "such is the profligacy of the people -around here that even little children, who can neither walk nor talk, -may be seen runing about the streets cursing and swearing!" - - -IN LOVE WITH THE DEVIL.--246. - -A Country exchange says:--As our "Devil" was going home with his -sweetheart, a few evening since, she said to him, "Dick, I fear I -shall never get to Heaven." "Why?" asked the knight of the ink-keg. -"Because," said she, with a melting look, "I love the _Devil_ so well!" - - -HOW MR. LINCOLN SHAKES HANDS.--247. - -The correspondent of the _New York World_, in an account of Mr. -Lincoln's late visit to Philadelphia, writes:--"Mr. Lincoln passed -some time in shaking hands. This salutation is with him a peculiarity. -It is not the pump-handle 'shake,' nor a twist, nor a spasmodic motion -from side to side, nor yet a reach towards the knee and a squeeze -at arm's length. When Mr. Lincoln performs this rite, it becomes a -solemnity. A ghastly smile overspreads his peculiar countenance; then, -after an instant's pause, he suddenly thrusts his 'flapper' at you, -as a sword is thrust in tierce; you feel your hand enveloped as in a -fleshy vice, a cold clamminess overspreads your unfortunate digits, a -corkscrew burrows its way from your finger nails to your shoulder, the -smile disappears, and you know that you are unshackled. You carefully -count your fingers to see that none of them are missing, or that they -have not become assimilated in a common mass." - - -HARD SCRABBLE.--248. - -A farmer who lives on a certain hill, called "Hard Scrabble," in -Central New York, says that last summer, owing to the drought and poor -land together, the grass was so short they had to lather it before -they could mow it! - - -I WOULD IF I COULD.--249. - -A young lady was told by a married lady that she had better -precipitate herself off the Niagara Falls into the basin beneath than -marry. The young lady replied, "I would, if I thought I could find a -husband at the bottom." - - -A SOLEMN HOUR.--250. - -An old "revolutioner" says of all the solemn hours he ever saw, that -occupied in going home one dark night from the Widow Bean's, after -being told by her daughter Sally that he "needn't come again," was the -most solemn. - - -PROVERBS.--PRESERVED BY JOSHUA BILLINGS, ESQ.--251. - -Don't swop with your relashuns unless you kin afford to give them -the big end of the trade. Marry young, and, if circumstances require -it, often. If you can't git good cloathes and edication too, git the -cloathes. Say how are you to everybody. Kultivate modesty, but mind -and keep a good stock of impudence on hand. Bee charitable--three -cent. pieces were made on purpose. It costs more to borry than it does -to buy. Ef a man flatters yu, yu can kalkerlate he is a roge, or you -are a fule. Keep both ize open, but don't see morn harlf you notis. -If you ich for fame, go into a grave-yard and scratch yourself agin a -tume stone. Young man, be more anxus about the pedigre yur going to -leave than you are about the wun somebody's going to leave you. Sin is -like weeds--self-sone and sure to cum. Two lovers, like two armies, -generally git along quietly until they are engaged. - - -BRIGHAM YOUNG'S WIVES.--252. - -Artemus Ward writes that he is tired of answering the questions as to -how many wives Brigham Young has. He says that all he knows about it -is that he one day used up the multiplication table in counting the -long stockings on a clothes-line in Brigham's back yard, and went off -feeling dizzy. - - -THE OTHER SIDE.--253. - -One story is good until another is told, and the advice to "have -both sides" is old, but always good. The annoyance caused by ladies -in street-cars has been so frequently dwelt on that it has come to -be accepted as a matter of course that the wearers of crinoline -are sinners above all among the occupants of street-cars. But read -the following indictment drawn up against the male persuasion of -street-car society, and see if the account is not about balanced. -What "female nuisance" can surpass, for instance, the man who crosses -his legs, or puts his foot upon his knee, allowing a dirty boot to -wipe itself on good clothes passing him; the man who gets in chewing -the stump of a cigar, and declines to throw it away because he is -not smoking, and consequently stenches the whole conveyance; the man -who sits sideways when the seat is crowded; the man who fidgets in -a crowded seat; the man who, in getting out, lifts his feet so high -as to wipe the knees of every passer-by; the man who enters with a -paint pot; the ever-talkative man, who insists on drawing you into -conversation, and boring you with his ideas political; the man who is -deep in his cups; the ill-natured, ugly-looking man, who frightens all -children in arms; the over-dressed man, who is afraid of being mussed; -the rowdy man, who is spoiling for a fight; the fat man, who occupies -too much room; the lean man, who cuts you with his sharp hones; the -pretty man, who smirks so disgustingly; the man who wants to pick your -pocket; the friendly man, who requests a loan; the man with a writ; -the man that smells of garlic; the man that perfumes with musk; the -vanity man, who displays all the money he has while searching for a -five-cent. postal; the lazy man, who never hurries to get on or off; -the unaccommodating man, who refuses to have his basket placed on the -front platform; the man who treads on your newly-blacked boots; the -man who asks for a chew of tobacco; the profane man; the subscription -man; the insane man, on his way to the insane asylum; the man who asks -you the time of day when you are _minus_ a watch; and the man who -wants to be over-polite to your wife. - - -EDITORS EXCHANGING COMPLIMENTS.--254. - -The _Louisville Journal_--an impudent, one-horse Kentucky concern, -conducted by a walking whisky-bottle--says that one of our -correspondents deprived it of its maps and despatches from Sherman's -army. The _Journal_ is unable to pay even wages to its correspondents, -and relies upon us for the news. Our correspondent purchased the maps -and intelligence referred to from one of the starving reporters of the -_Journal_, in order to save him from putting an end to his miserable -existence, since he could live no longer on the bottle of Bourbon a -week with which the _Journal_ supplied him. The Western editors are -all whisky-bottles, their reporters are all whisky, and their papers -have all the fumes of that beverage without any of its strength. -So much for the slanders of the _Louisville Journal_.--(_New York -Herald._) From the _Louisville Journal_:--This paragraph is the one to -which, without having seen it, we referred yesterday in our notice of -W. F. G. Shanks, a war correspondent of the _New York Herald_. That -paper says that its correspondent purchased from ours the map and the -intelligence referred to; this is the map and the rebel newspapers -mentioned by us yesterday. This is all a base and unmitigated -falsehood. The map was given to the _Herald's_ correspondent upon a -condition which he scandalously violated, and he feloniously broke -the seals of the papers and stole their contents for the use of his -thieving employers. The employers and the _employé_, instead of -throwing a stone at us, ought to be pecking the article in the State -prison. It is not supposable that any paper on earth could have aught -to gain from a dispute with the _New York Herald_. The editor of -that concern is so low down that fifty millstones around his neck, -waist, arms, and legs, couldn't sink him lower. Notoriously, he has -been oftener kicked and horsewhipped than any other man in the United -States. Whoever has had the slightest fancy for horsewhipping or -kicking him has done it. The licence to operate on him in either way, -or both, couldn't have been more perfect if he had worn the word "to -let" in chalk-marks upon his shoulders and coat-tail. When he has -waked up each morning, his reflection has been, "Now, is it to be -a horsewhipping or a kicking to-day?" and occasionally it has been -both, eked out with a smart nose-pulling. In fact, his nose has been -so frequently twisted that it is an entirely one-sided affair, and we -think that in common fairness "the twister" should be sentenced by a -court of justice to "untwist the twist." The editor of the _Herald_ -is said to have a great deal of money, but his kicks far exceed -his coppers. The only time he was ever known to thank God was when -sharp-toed boots and shoes were changed to square-toed. It is said -that by long experience he could always tell, when kicked, whether the -application was made by boots, shoes, brogans, or slippers; at what -particular store the article was bought, what was its cost, what its -quality, and whether it was made of the hide of Durhams, short-horned -Alderneys, Herefords, or Devons. When cattle were killed, it was a -frequent understanding that while the fat was to be tried on the fire -the leather was to be tried on the editor of the _Herald_. He is -regarded as being undoubtedly the best judge of leather in New York; -not that he is a leather-dealer, but that leather-dealers have had so -much to do with him. He has come so often in contact with leather that -the part of him chiefly concerned has itself become leather; so he not -only walks upon leather when he walks, but sits upon leather when he -sits. The editor of the _Herald_ has lived a good deal longer than he -ought to have done, but it is to be hoped that he can't live always. -And if he ever dies, his hide should be tanned to leather--that is, -the small portion of it that hasn't already been--his hair used as -shoemaker's bristles, and his bones made into shoeing-horns. - - -A SLASHING ARTICLE.--255. - -Editors, like other shrewd men, must live with their eyes and ears -open. The following story is told of one who started a paper in a -western town. The town was infested by gamblers, whose presence was a -source of annoyance to the citizens, who told the editor that if he -did not come out against them they would not patronize his paper. He -replied that he would give them a "smasher" next day. Sure enough, -his next issue contained the promised "smasher;" and on the following -morning the redoubtable editor, with scissors in hand, was seated in -his sanctum, when in walked a large man, with a horse-whip in his -hand, who demanded to know if the editor was in. "No, sir," was the -reply, "he has stepped out. Take a seat, and read the papers--he will -return in a minute." Down sat the indignant man of cards, crossed -his legs with his whip between them, and commenced reading a paper. -In the meantime the editor quietly vamoosed downstairs, and at the -landing he met another excited man with a cudgel in his hand, who -asked if the editor was in? "Yes, sir," was the quick response, "you -will find him seated upstairs, reading a newspaper." The latter, on -entering the room, with a furious oath, commenced a violent assault -upon the former, which was resisted with equal ferocity. The fight was -continued till they had both rolled to the foot of the stairs, and had -pounded each other to their heart's content. - - -A NOVEL VERDICT.--256. - -A coroner's jury in Boston returned as a verdict, in the case of a -woman who died suddenly, that "she died from congestion of the brain, -caused by _overtipulation_." - - -AMERICAN NOTION OF VILLANY.--257. - -The man that will take a newspaper for a length of time and then send -it back "refused" and unpaid for, would swallow a blind dog's dinner, -and then stone the dog for being blind. - - -CONFESSION OF A CLERGYMAN.--258. - -A clergyman was lately depicting before a deeply-interested audience -the alarming increase of intemperance, when he astonished his hearers -by exclaiming: "A young woman in my neighbourhood died very suddenly -last Sabbath, while I was preaching the gospel in a state of beastly -intoxication!" - - -PERSONAL.--259. - -A contemporary having published a long leader on "hogs," a rival paper -in the same village upbraids him for obtruding his family matters upon -the public. - - -AWKWARD COINCIDENCE.--260. - -An American divine preached one Sunday morning from the text--"Ye -are the children of the devil," and in the afternoon, by a funny -coincidence, from the words, "Children, obey your parents." - - -HOW TO GET A SEAT BY THE FIRE.--261. - -A traveller came into a country hotel in Wisconsin upon a very cold -day, and could get no room near the fire, whereupon he called to the -ostler to fetch a peck of oysters, and give them to his horse. "Will -your horse eat oysters?" replied the ostler. "Try him," said the -gentleman. The loafing guests running immediately to see this wonder, -the fireside was cleared, and the gentleman had his choice of seats. -The ostler brought back the oysters, and said the horse would not -touch them. "Won't he?" said the stranger. "Why, then, bring them -here; I shall be forced to eat them myself." - - -RIVALLING NATURE.--262. - -Cotton being scarce, a Yankee "patriot" has invented, and is -selling like hot dumplings, india-rubber breastworks for ladies, -as his advertisement says:--"Rivalling nature in grace, shape, and -elasticity!" - - -THE SUBLIME AND RIDICULOUS.--263. - -"Woman is most beautiful when in tears, like a rose wet with -the crystal dew."--_Mobile Examiner._ "We suppose the editor -of the _Examiner_ whips his wife every Sunday to make her look -beautiful."--_Baltimore Sun._ - - -A SENSIBLE WOMAN.--264. - -A lady that would please herself in marrying was warned that her -intended, although a good sort of a man, was very singular. "Well," -replied the lady, "if he is very much unlike other men, he is much -more likely to be a good husband." - - -ANOTHER DISCOVERY.--265. - -The other day a crowd was assembled around a drunken man lying at full -length in the street. They resorted to every known means to arouse -him; they rubbed his ears, then his hands, and shook him violently, -but all to no avail, for John Whisky had got too strong a hold on him. -Presently, a boy came along who was selling brewers' yeast, which he -carried in a pail. "What's the matter?" queried the hopeful; "can't -you get him up? Well, I can. If this yeast won't raise him, he's a -goner, for it'll raise anything that ever grew." Accordingly, he -poured about half a pint down the man's neck, and, sure enough, to -the surprise of all, it raised him instantly, and he went on his way, -growing taller every minute. - - -UNNECESSARY APPREHENSION.--266. - -A fellow, who was being led to execution, told the officers not to -take him through a certain street, lest a merchant who resided there -should arrest him for an old debt. - - -EITHER WAY WILL DO.--267. - -"Will you have me, Sarah?" said a young man to a modest girl. "No, -John," said she, "but you may have me, if you will." - - -A MOOTED QUESTION.--268. - -It is a mooted question whether St. Paul was ever married. Eusebius -says he was a widower, which would usually imply that he had been. We -opine that he was, from the hearty manner in which he discouraged the -institution. - - -PARTING FRIENDS.--269. - -A clergyman travelling in California encountered a panther, of which -he subsequently wrote as follows: "I looked at him long enough to -note his brown and glossy coat, his big, glaring eyes, his broad and -well-developed muzzle, and his capacious jaws, when both of us left -the spot, and, I am pleased to add, in opposite directions." - - -HOW TO DO BUSINESS.--270. - -It is told of a well-known American map-agent out here, that on a -recent trip in the interior of the island, he was attacked by highway -robbers, who demanded his money. Being more prudent than to carry -money into the country, they failed in making a haul. "But," said our -Yankee, "I have some splendid maps of the island along with me, which -I should like to show you;" and in a twinkling he was off his horse, -and a map stuck up on a pole, and explained it so effectually that he -sold each of the banditti a map, pocketed the money, and resumed his -journey, better off for the encounter. - - -EXEMPT, DECIDEDLY.--271. - -"Ugh! How do you make out that you are exempt, eh?" "I am over age, I -am a negro, a minister, a cripple, a British subject, and a habitual -drunkard." - - -A LONE NIGGER.--272. - -During the last winter a "contraband" came into the Federal lines -in North Carolina, and was marched up to the officer of the day to -give an account of himself, whereupon the following colloquy ensued: -"What's your name?" "My name's Sam." "Sam what?" "No, sah; not Sam -Watt. I'se jist Sam." "What's your other name?" "I hasn't got no -oder name, sah. I'se Sam--dat's all." "What's your master's name?" -"I'se got no massa now. Massa runned away--yah, yah! I'se free nigger -now." "Well, what's your father and mother's name?" "I'se got none, -sah--neber had none. I'se jist Sam--ain't nobody else." "Haven't you -any brothers and sisters?" "No, sah; neber had none. No brudder, no -sister, no fader, no mudder, no massa--nothin' but Sam. When you see -Sam you see all dere is of us." - - -A LIBELLOUS ASSERTION.--273. - -Ask a woman to a tea-party in the Garden of Eden, and she'd be sure to -draw up her eyelids and scream: "I can't go without a new gown." - - -WESTERN NEIGHBOURS.--274. - -"Where is your house?" asked a traveller in the depths of one of the -"old solemn wildernesses" of the great West. "House! I ain't got no -house." "Well, where do you live?" "I live in the woods, sleep on the -great Government purchase, eat raw bear and wild turkey, and drink out -of the Mississippi!" And he added--"It's getting too thick with the -folks out here. You're the second man I've seen within the last month, -and I hear there's a whole family come in about fifty miles down the -river. I'm going to put out into the woods again." - - -SNUBBING A LAWYER.--275. - -Old Mrs. Lawson was called as a witness. She was sharp and wide awake. -At last the cross-examining lawyer, out of all patience, exclaimed, -"Mrs. Lawson, you have brass enough in your face to make a twelve -quart pail." "Yes," she replied, "and you've got sass enough in your -head to fill it." - - -GETTING DOWN A LADDER.--276. - -"Mass Tom! Oh, Mass Tom! howse I goin ter get down dis ladder?" "Come -down the same way you went up, you blockhead!" replied the master, -running out to see what was the matter. "De same way as I come up, -Mass Tom?" "Yes, confound you, and don't bother me any more!" "Well, -if I must, I must!"--and down came the little darkey head foremost. - - -IRISH NEGRO.--277. - -A negro from Montzerat, or Marigalante, where the Hiberno-Celtic is -spoken by all classes, happened to be on the wharf at Philadelphia -when a number of Irish emigrants were landed; and seeing one of them -with a wife and four children, he stepped forward to assist the family -on shore. The Irishman, in his native tongue, expressed his surprise -at the civility of the negro; who, understanding what had been said, -replied in Irish, that he need not be astonished, for that he was -a _bit of an Irishman himself_. The Irishman, surprised to hear a -black man speak in his _Milesian_ dialect, it entered his mind with -the usual rapidity of Irish fancy, that he really was an Irishman, -but that the climate had changed his fair complexion. "_If I may be -so bold, sir_," said he, "_may I ask how long you have been in this -country_?" The negro man, who had only come hither on a voyage, said -he had been in Philadelphia only about four months. Poor Patrick -turned round to his wife and children, and looking as if for the last -time on their rosy cheeks, concluding that in four months they must -also change their complexion, exclaimed, "O merciful powers! Biddy, -did you hear that? He is not more than four months in this country, -and he is already almost as black as jet." - - -INTERESTING EXPERIMENT.--278. - -The muscles of the human jaw produce a power equal to one hundred and -twenty-five pounds. If you ever had your fingers in an angry man's -mouth, you will not dispute the veracity of this assertion. - - -SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS.--279. - -I suppose the reason whi wimmin are so fast talkers, iz bekauze tha -don't hav tew stop tew spit on their hands. After Joseph's brotheren -had beat him out ov hiz cut ov many cullars, what did tha dew nex? Tha -pittied him! Thare iz nothing in this life that will open the pores -ov a man so mutch, as tew fall in luv; it makes him as fluent az a -tin whissell, az limber az a boy's watch chain, and az perlite as a -dansing-master; hiz harte iz az full ov sunshine az a hay-field, and -there aint any more guile in him than there iz in a stik ov merlasses -candy. Thare iz a grate number ov ways for folks tew make phools of -themselfs, but thare iz one way so simple, i wonder nobody haz ever -tried it, and that iz tew run after real-estate advertizements. Thare -don't seem tew be enny end tew the ambishun ov men, but thare iz one -thing that sum ov them will find out if tha ever dew git tew Heaven, -and that iz tha can't git enny further. He who can hold awl he gits, -kan most generally get more, I serpoze if a commisshun should cum -from Heaven tew gather up awl the intrinsick literature among men, a -common-sized angel kould fly off with the whole ov it under one wing -and not lug him mutch. Yu kant alwus tell a gentleman by hiz clothes, -but yu kan bi hiz finger nails. Adam invented "_luv at first sight_," -one of the greatest laber-saving machines the world ever saw. It iz -a grave question, whether, in curtailing superfluitys in these hard -times, we have a moral right tew cut oph a dorg's tale tew save the -expense ov boarding it. I hav herd a grate deal ced about "_broken -hartes_," and thare may be a few of them, but mi experiense iz that -nex tew the gizzard, the harte iz the tuffest peace ov meat in the -whole critter. - - -TWO THINGS MADE TO BE LOST.--280. - -A country editor comes to the conclusion that there are two things -that were made to be lost--sinners and umbrellas. - - -REASONS ENOUGH.--281. - -An editor complained that he could not sleep one night, summing up the -causes:--A wailing baby, sixteen months old; a howling dog under the -window; a cat-fight in the alley; a nigger serenade in a shanty over -the way; a toothache; and a pig trying to get in at the back-door. - - -LOW-NECKED FROCKS.--282. - -The Rev. Mr. Sniffkins has recorded in his diary that three -conspicuous low-necked frocks in a congregation will neutralize the -effect of the best discourse that ever was preached. - - -EMERSON AND THEODORE PARKER.--283. - -There is an allegorical story current that once, immediately after -Theodore Parker had parted from Ralph Waldo Emerson on the road to -Boston, a crazy Millerite encountered Parker, and cried: "Sir, do -you not know that the world is coming to an end?" Upon which Parker -replied: "My good man, that doesn't concern me; I live in Boston." -The same fanatic, overtaking Emerson, announced in the same terms the -approach of the end of the world, upon which Emerson replied: "I am -glad of it, sir; man will get along much better without it!" - - -HOW TO GO MAD.--284. - -Be an editor; let the devil be waiting for copy; sit down to write an -article, and get a few sentences done; then let an acquaintance drop -in and begin to tell you stories and gossips of the town; let him -sit, and sit, and sit. This is the quickest way we can think of to go -raving, distracted mad. - - -A WISE JUDGE.--285. - -A Massachusetts judge has decided that a husband may open his wife's -letters, on the ground (so often and so tersely stated by Mr. -Theophilus Parsons, of Cambridge) that "the husband and the wife are -one, and the husband is that one!" - - -SPARING HIS FEELINGS.--286. - -The editor of the _Louisville Journal_, in speaking of an assailant -who had vehemently denied a charge of having been drunk on a certain -occasion, says "that he cannot positively state that the gentleman -in question was drunk, but that he does know that he was seen in the -street at midnight, with his hat off, explaining the principles and -theory of true politeness to the toes of his boots!" - - -OF COURSE NOT.--287. - -The _Grand Rapids Eagle_ man says he wouldn't mind the price of wood -so much, if all his neighbours hadn't taken to the disgusting habit of -locking their wood-house doors at night. - - -A FEMALE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON.--288. - -Mrs. Ripley, of Concord, Mass., is well known to the naturalists on -account of her valuable collection of lichens, and to the Cambridge -professors on account of her success in training young men for the -university. It is said that a learned gentleman once called to see -this lady, and found her hearing at once the lesson of one student in -Sophocles, and that of another in Differential Calculus, at the same -time rocking her grandchild's cradle with one foot, and shelling peas -for dinner. - - -A FLOATING POPULATION.--289. - -"You have considerable floating population in this village, havn't -you?" asked a stranger of one of the citizens of a village on the -Mississippi. "Well, yes, rather," was the reply; "about half the year -the water is up to the second storey windows." - - -DEMOCRATS _versus_ REPUBLICANS.--290. - -A prominent speaker at a Republican gathering in Ohio, said that "he -expected to spend an eternity in company with Republicans," to which a -Democrat replied that he "rather thought he would, _unless he repented -of his sins_." - - -A POOR COUPLE.--291. - -A couple announce in the _New York Post_ their marriage, and add to -the notice--"No cards, nor any money to get them with." - - -AN INDUCEMENT TO YOUNG PEOPLE.--292. - -A minister out West, advertised, in the hope of making young people -come forward, that he would marry them for a glass of whisky, a dozen -eggs, the first kiss of the bride, and a quarter of a pig. - - -AN EDITORIAL HORSE.--293. - -An editor in the far West has bought a racehorse for which he -paid 2000 dollars. On being asked what an editor had to do with a -racehorse, he replied that "he was to be used in catching runaway -subscribers." - - -HIGHLY PROBABLE.--294. - -An American editor acknowledges the receipt of a bottle of brandy 48 -years old, and says "this brandy is so old that we very much fear it -cannot live much longer." - - -NOVEL EFFECT OF A SECOND MARRIAGE.--295. - -One of the substitute soldiers who was presented for examination -at Captain Hamlin's office recently was a man who gave his name as -(we will say) Michael Flynn. When he was stripped, upon his arm was -clearly tattooed the name of John Sullivan. "But, I thought, you said -your name was Michael Flynn?" said the doctor. "Yes," stammered the -Hibernian sub, "but I have been married twice." Michael passed. - - -STRIKING DEFINITION OF A COQUETTE.--296. - -A Western genius defines a coquette as a box of snuff, from which -every lover takes a pinch. Her husband, fortunate or unfortunate -wretch, as he may think himself, gets the box--on the ear. - - -QUALIFICATIONS FOR A PARSON.--297. - -It is related of a certain church in New York, whose deacons and -principal men are of the conservative order, that when recently in -want of a pastor, they made application to a divine noted for his -talents and brilliancy of oratory to become their settled minister. -While negotiating the "call" they signified to the divine that they -did not want a man to preach politics or temperance. "What kind of a -preacher do you want?" inquired the minister. To which they replied -that they desired a pastor who was "_rather religiously inclined_." -This reminds us of a popular preacher we used to know down East, one -of whose prominent parishioners considered him the perfection of a -preacher, because "he never meddles with either politics or religion!" - - -EXTRAORDINARY ABSENCE OF MIND.--298. - -The most recent case of absence of mind is that of an editor, who -lately copied from a hostile paper one of his own articles, and headed -it, "Wretched attempt at wit." - - -A JOKE BY JENKINS.--299. - -"A beautiful day, Mr. Jenkins?" "Yes, very pleasant, indeed." "Good -day for the race." "Race, what race?" "The human race." "Oh, go along -with your stupid jokes; get up a good one, like the one with which I -sold Day." "Day, what Day?" "The day we celebrate," said Jenkins, who -went on his way rejoicing. - - -"AND THAT'S A FACT."--300. - -A paper notorious for its veracity says "that a man in New Hampshire -went out gunning one day this spring; he saw a flock of pigeons -sitting on a branch of an old pine, so he dropped a ball into his gun -and fired. The ball split the branch, which closed up, and caught -the toes of all the birds in it. He saw that he had got them all, -and so he fastened two balls together and fired, cut the branch off, -which fell into the river. He then waded in and brought it on shore. -On counting them there were 300 pigeons, and in his boots were two -barrels of shad." - - -A QUESTION FOR ASTRONOMERS.--301. - -A teacher in a western county in Canada, while making his first -visit to his "constituents," came into conversation with an ancient -"Varmount" lady, who had taken up her residence in the "backwoods." -Of course, the school and former teachers came in for criticism; and -the old lady, in speaking of his predecessor, asked: "Wa'll, master, -what do yer think he larnt the schollards?" "Couldn't say, ma'am. -Pray, what did he teach?" "Wa'al, he told 'em that this 'ere airth -was _reound_, and went areound; and all that sort 'o thing. Now, -master, what do _you_ think about sich stuff? Don't you think he was -an ignorant feller?" Unwilling to come under the category of the -ignorami, the teacher evasively remarked: "It really did seem strange; -but still there are many learned men who teach these things." "Wa'al," -says she, "if the airth is reound, and goes reound, what holds it -_up_?" "Oh, these learned men say that it goes around the sun, and -that the sun holds it up by virtue of the law of attraction." The old -lady lowered her "specs," and, by way of climax, responded: "Wa'al, -if these high larn't men sez the sun holds up the airth, _I should -like tu know what holds the airth up when the sun goes down_!" - - -GRIEVING FOR A WIFE.--302. - -A man in New Hampshire had the misfortune recently to lose his wife. -Over the grave he caused a stone to be placed, on which, in the depth -of his grief, he had ordered to be inscribed--"Tears cannot restore -her, therefore I weep." - - -WHAT IRISHMEN DO!--303. - -George Penn Johnson, one of our most eloquent stump speakers, who -loves a good thing too well to let it slip upon any occasion, -addressing a meeting where it was a great point to obtain the Irish -vote, after alluding to the native American party in no flattering -terms, inquired, "Who dig our canals? Irishmen. Who build our -railroads? Irishmen. (Great applause.) Who build all our gaols? -Irishmen. (Still greater applause.) Who fill all our gaols? Irishmen!" -This capping climax, if it did not bring down the house, did the Irish -in a rush for the stand. Johnson did not wait to receive them. - - -SAD SCARCITY OF PAPER.--304. - -Paper is so scarce in the South that the editor of the _Morning -Traitor_ writes his editorials with stolen chalk on the sole of his -boot, and goes barefooted while his boy sets up the manuscript! - - -THE DATE WANTED.--305. - -At a concert recently, at the conclusion of the song, "There's a Good -Time Coming," a country farmer got up and exclaimed, "Say, mister, you -couldn't fix the date, could you?" - - -THE HEIGHT OF MEANNESS.--306. - -The meanest fellow in Onondaga county is a fellow who once had the -plate of his grandmother's coffin made over into a tobacco-box. - - -COLUMBUS'S DISCOVERY.--307. - -A country editor thinks that Columbus is not entitled to much credit -for discovering America, as the country is so large he could not well -have missed it. - - -THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT.--308. - -One of the American papers observes of Mr. Wentworth, a member of -Congress for a district of Illinois, that "he is so tall, that when -he addresses the people, instead of mounting a stump, as is usual in -the West, they have to dig a hole for him to stand in!" Another paper, -which goes the whole ticket against Mr. Wentworth, politely observes -that they "dig a hole for him not because he is tall, but because he -never feels at home except when he is up to his chin in dirt." - - -COOLNESS.--309. - -He would eat oysters while his neighbour's house was in flames--always -provided that his own was insured. Coolness! he's a piece of marble -carved into a broad grin. - - -NAMING CHILDREN IN AMERICA.--310. - -On Long Island, a Mr. Crabb named a child -"Through-much-tribulation-we-enter-into-the-kingdom-of-Heaven -Crabb." The child went by the name of Tribby. Scores of such names -could be cited. In Saybrook, Connecticut, is a family by the name -of Beman, whose children are successively named as follows:--1. -Jonathan Hubbard Lubbard Hunk Dan Dunk Peter Jacobus Lackny Christian -Beman. 2. Prince Fredrick Henry Jacob Zaccheus Christian Beman. 3. -Queen Caroline Sarah Rogers Ruhamah Christian Beman. 4. Charity -Freelove Ruth Grace Mercy Truth Faith and Hope and Peace Pursue -I'll-have-no-more-to-do-for-that-will-go-clear-through-Christian Beman. - - -A POLITE MAN.--311. - -"My deceased uncle," says an American writer, "was the most polite -man in the world. He was making a voyage on the Mississippi and the -boat sank. My uncle was just on the point of drowning. He got his -head above water for once, took off his hat, and said, 'Ladies and -gentlemen, will you please excuse me?' and down he went." - - -FINE WRITING.--312. - -We like fine writing when it is properly applied, so we appreciate -the following burst of eloquence:--"As the ostrich uses both legs and -wings when the American courser bounds in her rear--as the winged -lightnings leap from the heavens when the thunderbolts are loosed--so -does a little boy run when a big dog is after him." - - -"MAILS" AND FEMALES.--313. - -A New England postmaster complains that too much courting goes on in -his office. The females give him more trouble than the "mails." - - -AN UNKIND REMINDER.--314. - -A negro boy was driving a mule, when the animal suddenly stopped short -and refused to move. "Won't go, eh?" said the boy; "feel grand, do -you? I s'pose you forget your fader was a jackass." - - -"CLIMACTERIC SUBLIMITY."--315. - -The following peroration to an eloquent harangue, addressed to -a jury by a lawyer in Ohio, is a rare specimen of climacteric -sublimity:--"And now the shades of night had shrouded the earth -in darkness. All nature lay wrapped in solemn thought, when these -defendant ruffians came rushing like a mighty torrent from the hills, -down upon the abodes of peace, broke open the plaintiff's door, -separated the weeping mother from her crying infant, and took away--my -client's rifle, gentlemen of the jury, for which we claim fifteen -dollars." - - -MORE LAUGHABLE THAN LOGICAL.--316. - -A temperance lecturer, in addressing an audience in Boston, said, -"Parents, you have children, or, if you have not, your daughters may -have." - - -THE LAW OF COMPENSATION.--317. - -Joe being rather remiss in his Sunday-school lesson, the teacher -remarked that he hadn't a very good memory. "No, ma'am," said he, -hesitating, "but I have got a first-rate forgettery!" - - -COULDN'T MAKE AN IMPRESSION.--318. - -A little boy, of four years, who had been lectured by his aunt on the -evil of disobedience to parents, was shown the example of a boy who -disobeyed his mother, and went to the river and got drowned. "Did he -die?" said Bobby, who had given the story due attention. "Yes," was -the serious reply. "What did they do with him?" asked Bobby, after a -moment's reflection. "Carried him home," replied his aunt, with due -solemnity. After turning the matter over in his mind, as it was hoped -profitably, he looked up and closed the conversation by asking, "Why -didn't they chuck him in again." - - -THE MINISTER'S RECEPTION.--319. - -A certain lady one day had been much annoyed by the ringing of her -door-bell by the mischievous boys in the vicinity, and determined to -be made no more a fool of by going to the door. In the course of the -forenoon, however, her minister called to see her, dressed in his -nicest manner. He ascended the steps, and gently drew the bell-handle, -when the lady shouted from the entry--"I see you, my boy! if I catch -you I'll wring your neck!" The affrighted gentleman rushed down the -steps through a crowd of young scamps, and was not seen at the lady's -house again. - - -PRINTERS' MISTAKES.--320. - -During the Mexican war, one newspaper hurriedly announced an important -item of news from Mexico, that General Pillow and thirty-seven of his -men had been lost in a _bottle_. Some other paper informed the public -not long ago "that a man in a brown surtout was yesterday brought -before the police court, on a charge of having stolen a small _ox_ -from a lady's workbag. The stolen property was found in his waistcoat -pocket." "A _rat_" says another paper, "descending the river, came -in contact with a steamboat, and so serious was the injury done to -the boat that great exertions were necessary to save it." An English -paper once stated that the Russian General Raekinoffkowsky "was found -dead with a long _word_ in his mouth." It was, perhaps, the same paper -that, in giving a description of a battle between the Poles and the -Russians, said that "the conflict was dreadful, and the enemy was -repulsed with great _laughter_." Again: "A gentleman was yesterday -brought up to answer the charge of having _eaten_ a stage driver for -demanding more than his fare. At the late Fourth of July dinner, in -the town of Charlestown, none of the poultry were eatable except the -_owls_." - - -PLAIN ENOUGH.--321. - -A Western editor, in reply to a contemporary, says to him, "The fact -is as evident as the nose on your face, or the whisky blossoms on the -countenance of your Mayor." - - -ONE OF THE PRESS.--322. - -A very fat man having taken his seat in an omnibus already crowded, to -the great annoyance of the passengers, several, with partial breathing -and muttering lips, inquired who such a lump of flesh as the new comer -could be. "I don't know," said a wag, "but, judging from the effect he -produces, I should suppose him a member of the Press." - - -ANOTHER BURST OF ELOQUENCE.--323. - -In a stump speech somewhere out West--the usual locality--a windy -orator recently got up before an assemblage of his intelligent -countrymen, and said: "Sir, after much reflection, consideration, and -examination, I have calmly, deliberately, and carefully come to the -determined conclusion, that in cities where the population is very -large there are a greater number of men, women, and children, than in -cities where the population is less. And I firmly believe there is not -a man, woman, or child in all this vast assembly that has reached the -age of fifty or upwards but has felt this mighty truth rolling through -his breast for centuries." - - -THE REASON WHY.--324. - -An American wag says that the reason why more marriages take place in -winter than in summer is because the gentlemen require comforters and -the ladies muffs. - - -THE CLERGYMAN AND THE LAWYER.--325. - -The following incident is of recent date, and the witness was a -clergyman. Scene, a crowded court: trial, an action on the warranty of -a horse, commonly called a horse cause. Witness, a clergyman, who was -sworn in his examination-in-chief that in his opinion the horse was -sound.--Counsel: Well, you don't know anything about horses. You're a -parson, you know.--Witness: I have a good deal of knowledge respecting -horses.--Counsel: You think you have, I dare say, but we may think -otherwise. I wonder, now, whether you know the difference between a -horse and a cow.--Witness: Yes, I dare say I do.--Counsel: Now, then, -tell the jury the difference between a horse and a cow.--Witness: -Gentlemen, one great difference between these two animals is, that -the one has horns and the other has not; much the same difference, -gentlemen, that exists between a _bull_ and a _bully_ (turning to -counsel). (Roars of laughter, Judge joining.)--Counsel (very angrily): -I dare say you thought that very funny, sir?--Witness: Well, I don't -think it was bad, and several of the audience seem to be of the same -opinion. - - -EDITORIAL FIX.--326. - -A Western editor must be in a bad fix. Having dunned a subscriber for -his subscription, he not only refused to pay, but threatened to flog -the editor if he stopped the paper. - - -A MEAT BABY.--327. - -A wee little girl in Boston besought her mother, when she was -going out shopping the other day, to bring her home a baby. The -indulgent parent selected a pretty doll, and on her return made the -presentation, expecting to see her daughter greatly pleased with it. -But the precious child could hardly keep the tears from her eyes, as -she disappointedly exclaimed, "I don't want that--I want a _meat_ -baby!" - - -THE LAPSE OF AGES.--328. - -An exchange asks, very innocently, if it is any harm for young ladies -to sit in the lapse of ages? Another replies, that it all depends on -the kind of ages selected. Those from eighteen to twenty-five it puts -down as extra hazardous. - - -PERILS OF THE "FOURTH ESTATE."--329. - -It takes three editors to start a paper in New Orleans--one to get -killed in a duel, one to die with the yellow fever, and one to write -an obituary of the defunct two. - - -MODEL ADVERTISEMENTS.--330. - -Model of First-rate Advertisements for a Modern High-Pressure -Sentimental Novel:-- - -Startling, terrific, paralyzing.--_Ditchville Chronicle._ - -We understand that the publishers of this extraordinary work, in -consequence of the immense demand, were obliged to issue three -editions at once, and that the united energies of steam and manual -labour in New York, have in vain been employed to satisfy the -incessant applications for it. On various occasions the police have -been called in to protect the booksellers against the insolence of -disappointed customers, while several suits for libel are pending -against persons who, in a paroxysm of rage, have vented their spleen -on the innocent authoress. The excitement has reached a fearful -pitch, and all business has been brought to a stand by the absorbing -devotion of the public to this great work of genius. In some cases -the engineers on the railroads, in perusing it, have been so lost to -a sense of duty, as to let the fires of their locomotives go out, -and cause the stoppage of trains for hours. Porters may be seen -sitting on their wheelbarrows at every corner enjoying its contents. -Omnibus horses are growing fat from the refusal of drivers to ply the -lash, until they have read it through, line by line, to the fearful -catastrophe of the last page, and even the clamorous voice of the -newsboy is no longer heard, for he sits crouching over its fascinating -pages in his cheerless garret. On the first day of the sale, the -doors of the book-stores were strongly barricaded, extra clerks were -provided, and yet, despite these precautions, fearful riots took place -among the contending crowd, in which, as the historians say, "neither -age, sex, nor condition were respected." The truth is, that if many -more such books are written in the country, there is great danger -that agriculture, commerce, and manufactures will be abandoned, and -we shall become nothing else than a nation of novel readers.--_The -Flambeau of Literature._ - - -NOT PARTICULAR.--331. - -A Western editor says:--"Wood, chips, coke, coal, corn-cobs, -feathers, rosin, sawdust, shavings, splinters, dry leaves, old rags, -fence-rails, barn-doors, flints, or anything that will burn or strike -fire, taken on subscription at this office." - - -TRUE AMERICAN PATRIOTISM.--332. - -A Down-Easter thus distinguishes between different sorts of -patriotism:--"Some esteem it sweet to die for one's country; but most -of our patriots hold it sweeter still to live _upon_ one's country." - - -POETICAL PATCHWORK.--333. - - Rock'd in the cradle of the deep, - Old Casper's work was done; - Piping on hollow reeds to his pent sheep, - Charge, Chester, charge! On, Stanley, on! - - There was a sound of revelry by night, - On Linden, when the sun was low; - A voice replied, far up the height, - Tall oaks from little acorns grow. - - What, if a little rain should say, - I have not loved the world, nor the world me! - Ah! well a-day; - Woodman spare that tree! - - My heart leaps up with joy to see - A primrose by the water's brim; - Zaccheus, he did climb that tree; - Few of our youth could cope with him. - - The prayer of Ajax was for light, - The light that never was on sea or shore; - Pudding and beef make Britons fight; - Never more! - - Under a spreading chestnut tree, - For hours the gither, sat - I and my Annabel Lee; - A man's a man for a' that. - - Truth crush'd to earth shall rise again, - And waste its sweetness on the desert air; - In thunder, lightning, or in rain, - None but the brave deserve the fair. - - Tell me not in mournful numbers, - The child is father of the man; - Hush, my dear, lie still in slumber. - They can conquer who believe they can. - - A change came o'er the spirit of my dream; - Whatever is, is right, - And things are not what they seem; - My native land, good night! - - -SO HUMANE.--334. - -A lady in Brooklyn is known to be so humane that she will not allow -even her carpet to be beaten; and was frightfully shocked on hearing a -boy, who was relating a story about a donkey, tell his comrades to cut -his tail short. She actually fainted away when a relative said he had -been killing time. - - -THE LYING AT THE TOP.--335. - -"Truth lies at the bottom of the well." All very well, as long as it -stays there; but it is the lying at the top and thereabouts that does -all the mischief! - - -"BRAGGIN' SAVES ADVERTISIN'."--336. - -"Well," said the doctor, "I didn't want to put myself forward, for it -ain't pleasant to speak of oneself." "Well, I don't know that," sais -I; "I ain't above it, I assure you. If you have a horse to sell, put -a thunderin' long price on him, and folks will think he must be the -devil and all; and if you want people to vally you right, appraise -yourself at a high figure. Braggin' saves advertisin'. I always do it; -for, as the Nova Scotia magistrate said, who sued his debtor before -himself, 'What's the use of being a justice, if you can't do yourself -justice.'"--_Sam Slick._ - - -CONCLUSIVE.--337. - -A story that General Hooker has been left immensely rich by the -death of a Mexican wife is thus disposed of by the San Francisco -_Atta_:--"1st, General Hooker's wife was not rich when he married her, -nor at any other time. 2nd, General Hooker's wife was not a Mexican. -3rd, General Hooker's wife is not dead. 4th, General Hooker never had -a wife. 5th, General Hooker is not a Croesus, never was, and never -will be." - - -VERDICT OF A NEGRO JURY.--338. - -"We, the undersigned, being a Kurnet's Juray to sit on de body of de -nigger Sambo, now dead and gone before us, hab been sittin' on de said -nigger aforesaid, did on de night of de fusteenth of November, come to -def by falling from de bridge ober the riber in de said riber, whar we -find he was subsequently drowned, and afterwards washed on the riber -side, whar we s'pose he was frose to death." - - -VERY CIVIL WAR.--339. - -On our left, where our lines were close to the rebs, two videttes from -opposite sides were moved out towards the same tree. After remaining -for some time near the tree unknown to each other, our vidette -discovered that he had lost his cap-box, and commenced calling for the -corporal. After calling several times without effect, the reb vidette -called out, "I say, Yank, what's the matter on your side of the tree?" -The "Yank" immediately replied that he wanted to go for some water. -"Well, go ahead," answered "Johnny;" "I'll watch both sides till you -come back." - - -A REAL HEAVY GALE.--340. - -"Was you ever in a real heavy gale of wind?" "Warn't I," said I; "the -fust time I returned from England it blew great guns all the voyage, -one gale after another, and the last always wuss than the one before. -It carried away our sails as fast as we bent them." "That's nothing -unusual," said Cutter; "there are worse things than that at sea." -"Well, I'll tell," sais I, "what it did; and if that ain't an uncommon -thing, then my name ain't Sam Slick. It blew all the hair off my dog, -except a little tuft atween his ears." - - -AN APPROPRIATE GIFT.--341. - -The _New York Atlas_ says:--"Judge Kelly and other citizens of -Philadelphia have presented a medal to President Lincoln. The -medallion has the bust of Washington on one side, and that of Mr. -Lincoln on the other. The peculiar felicity of this design is apparent -to the most obtuse. Washington was a patriot and a hero, and Lincoln -is unquestionably _the reverse_. It seems somewhat superfluous, -however, to strike a medal to perpetuate the knowledge of a fact so -indisputable." - - -THE CROOKED STICK.--342 - - Maria, just at twenty, swore - That no man less than six feet four - Should be her chosen one; - At thirty, she was glad to fix - A spouse exactly four feet six, - As better far than none. - - -A SPARE GIRL.--343. - -"I never," says Sam Slick, "see so spare a gal since I was raised. -Pharaoh's lean kine warn't the smallest part of a circumstance to her. -She was so thin, she actilly seemed as if she would have to lean agin -the wall to support herself when she scolded, and I had to look twice -at her before I could see her at all, for I warn't sure _she warn't -her own shadow_." - - -NEW WAY TO AFFIX A STAMP.--344. - -"You remind me," says I, "of a feller in Slickville, when the six-cent -letter-stamps came in fashion. He licked the stamp so hard, he took -all the gum off, and it wouldn't stay on nohow he could fix it, so -what does he do but put a pin through it, and writes on the letter, -'Paid, if the darned thing will only stick.'"--_Sam Slick._ - - -THE ORIGINAL BROTHER JONATHAN.--345. - -When General Washington, after being appointed Commander of the Army -of Revolutionary War, came to Massachusetts to organize it, and make -preparations for the defence of the country, he found a great want of -ammunition and other means necessary to meet the powerful foe he had -to contend with, and great difficulty to obtain them. If attacked in -such condition, the cause at once might be hopeless. On one occasion, -at that anxious period, a consultation of the officers and others was -held, when it seemed no way could be devised to make such preparations -as were necessary. His Excellency Jonathan Trumbull, the elder, was -then Governor of the State of Connecticut, on whose judgment and aid -the general placed the greatest reliance, and remarked: "We must -consult 'Brother Jonathan' on the subject." The general did so, and -the governor was successful in supplying many of the wants of the -army. When difficulties arose, and the army was spread over the -country, it became a by-word, "We must consult Brother Jonathan." The -term Yankee is still applied to a portion, but "Brother Jonathan" has -become a designation of the whole country, as John Bull is for England. - - -THOUGHTFUL MOTHERS.--346. - -It is said that some mothers in America are grown so affectionate that -they give their children chloroform previous to whipping them. - - -GRACE ONCE FOR ALL.--347. - -Benjamin Franklin, when a child, found the long graces used by his -father before and after meals very tedious. One day after the winter's -provisions had been salted, "I think father," said Benjamin, "if you -were to say _grace_ over the whole cask once for all, it would be a -great saving of time." - - -PAINTING TO THE LIFE.--348. - -Slick says: "I think, without bragging, I may say I can take things -off to the life. Once I drawed a mutton chop so nateral, my dog broke -his teeth in tearing the panel to pieces to get at it; and at another -time I painted a shingle so like stone, when I threw it into the -water, it sunk right kerlash to the bottom." - - -COLUMBUS AND THE EGG.--349. - -Columbus, speaking with great humility of his discovery of America, -some of the company spoke in very depreciating terms of the -expedition. "There is no more difficulty," replied Columbus, "than -in putting this egg on its end." They tried the experiment, and all -failed. Columbus, breaking a little off the end, set it upright. The -company sneered at the contrivance. "Thus," observed Columbus, "a -thing appears very easy after it is done." - - -THE HEAVENLY "BODIES."--350. - -"Mamma, mamma," cried a little one, whose early hour of retirement -had not permitted much study of the starry heavens, "here is the moon -come, and brought a sight of little babies with her!" - - -THE HAPPIEST OF VOWELS.--351. - -One of the neatest and latest conundrums is as follows:--"Why is i the -happiest of vowels? Because it is in the midst of bliss; e is in hell, -and all the others in purgatory." - - -A TOUGH YANKEE.--352. - -A friend writes of a Yankee boasting an inveterate hatred of -everything British, living in a neighbouring city with a colonist -family. He takes every opportunity to have a slap at Brother Bull, and -the colonist does what he can to defend the venerable gentleman. "You -are arguing," said the colonist, "against your ancestors." "No, I'm -not." "Who was your father?" "A Yankee." "Who were your forefathers?" -"Yankees." "Who were Adam and Eve?" "Yankees, by thunder!" - - -USED TO IT.--353. - -Major N----, upon being asked if he was seriously hurt at the bursting -of a boiler on a steamboat, replied that he was not, as he had been -blowed up so many times by his wife that a mere steamboat explosion -had no effect upon him whatever. - - -QUOTING HIS FATHER.--354. - -A broker, whose mind was always full of quotations, was asked a few -days since how old his father was. "Well," said he, abstractedly, "he -is quoted at eighty, but there is every prospect he will reach par, -and possibly be at a premium." - - -WHY THE WAR GOES ON.--355. - -The soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the inhabitants of -that place, on their first arrival, by telling them yarns, of which -the following is a sample:--"Some time ago Jeff Davis got tired of the -war, and invited President Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground to -discuss the terms of peace. They met accordingly, and, after a talk, -concluded to settle the war by dividing the territory and stopping the -fighting. The North took the Northern States, and the South the Gulf -and sea-board Southern States. Lincoln took Texas and Missouri, and -Davis Kentucky and Tennessee; so that all were parcelled off excepting -Arkansas. Lincoln didn't want it--Jeff wouldn't have it. Neither would -consent to take it, and on that they split; and the war has been going -on ever since." - - -WHAT U. S. STANDS FOR.--356. - -The _New York Herald_ puts forward General Grant as Democratic -candidate for the Presidency, on the ground that U. S. stands -for--Ulysses S. Grant, Union Sustaining Grant, Unconditional Surrender -Grant, Uncle Sam Grant, United States Grant, Unparalleled Success -Grant, Unabridged Seizure Grant, Union Saver Grant, Undeniable -Superior Grant, Unflinching Surmounter Grant, Undaunted Soldier Grant, -Understanding Secession Grant, Use Sambo Grant, Unshackle Slave -Grant, Ultimate Subjugation Grant, Uncommon Smart Grant, Unequalled -Smasher Grant, Utterly Solid Grant, Utmost Safety Grant, Unrivalled -System Grant, Unexceptionably Scientific Grant, Undertake Sure Grant, -Unbounded Spunk Grant, Universal Sanitive Grant, Unadulterated -Saltpetre Grant, Uniform Succeeder Grant, Undisputed Sagacity Grant, -Unabated Siege Grant, Unbending Super-excellence Grant, Unexampled -Skill Grant, Undoubtedly Spunky Grant, Unprecedented Sardine -Grant; and, what is best of all, he belongs to US, and will be the -Unanimously Selected Grant for the next Presidency. - - -A WISE FOOL.--357. - -A man brought before a justice of the peace in Vermont, charged with -some petty offence, pleaded in extenuation a natural infirmity. "I -should have made a considerable figure in the world, judge," he said, -"if I hadn't been a fool; it's a dreadful pull back to a man." - - -"OLD BRAINS."--358. - -One of the daily papers of New York made an amusing typographical -error in its publication of General Halleck's report of war -operations. The general, who enjoys the _sobriquet_ of "Old Brains," -wrote in depreciation of the immense cost of army transportation, -and made out a case for himself by saying that "our trains have been -materially reduced during the year." Imagine his disgust when he found -the boast printed "our _brains_ have been materially reduced!" Artemus -Ward might add: "N.B.--This is sarkasm." - - -THE GOVERNOR AND THE JUSTICE.--359. - -William Penn and Thomas Story once sheltered themselves from a shower -of rain in a tobacco house, the owner of which said to them: "You -enter here without leave; do you know who I am? I am a justice of the -peace." To which Story replied: "My friend here makes such things as -thee; he is Governor of Pennsylvania." - - -AN ENTHUSIASTIC NEWSVENDOR.--360. - -An amusing incident occurred one day in front of General Turner's -lines. A sergeant stepped out from our rifle-pits, and moved towards -the enemy, waving a late paper, regardless of the probability that -he would at any moment be shot. A rebel officer shouted to him to go -back, but the sergeant was unmindful of the warning, and asked, "Won't -you exchange newspapers?" "No," said the rebel, "I have no paper, I -want you to go back." With singular persistence the sergeant continued -to advance, saying, "Well, if you haint a paper, I reckon some of -your men have, and I want to exchange, I tell you." "My men have not -got anything of the kind, and you must go back," said the officer in -a louder tone, and with great emphasis. Nothing daunted, the Yankee -sergeant still advanced, until he stood plumply before the indignant -officer, and said, "I tell ye now you needn't get your dander up. I -don't mean no harm no way. P'raps if ye aint got no newspapers ye -might give me suthin else. Maybe your men would like some coffee -for some tobacco. I'm dreadful anxious for a trade." The astonished -officer could only repeat his command, "Go back, you rascal, or -I'll take you prisoner. I tell you we have nothing to exchange, and -we don't want anything to do with you Yankees." The sergeant said -ruefully, "Well, then, if you haint got nothin', why, here's the paper -any way, and if you get one from Richmond this afternoon you can send -it over. You'll find my name thar on that." The man's impudence or -the officer's eagerness for news made him accept. He took the paper, -and asked the sergeant what was the news from Petersburg. "Oh, our -folks say we can go in there just when we want to, but we are willing -to gobble all you fellows first," was the reply. "Well, I don't know -but what you can do it!" said the lieutenant, turning on his heel and -re-entering his rifle-pits; "meanwhile, my man, you had better go -back." This time the sergeant obeyed the oft-repeated order, and, on -telling his adventure, was the hero of the morning among his comrades. - - -PROFITLESS PREACHING.--361. - -The hat was passed round in a certain congregation in New York for -the purpose of taking up a collection. After it had made the circuit -of the church it was handed to the minister, who, by the way had -"exchanged pulpits" with the regular preacher, and he found not a cent -in it. He inverted his hat over the pulpit cushion, and shook it, that -its emptiness might be known; then looking towards the ceiling, he -exclaimed, with great fervour, "I thank Heaven that I got back my hat -from this congregation." - - -NOT FOR WANT.--362. - -An Irishman being asked why he left his country for America, replied, -"It wasn't for want; I had plenty of that at home." - - -SAM SLICK ON HAPPINESS.--363. - -It takes a great deal to make happiness, for everything must be in -time, like a piano; but it takes very little to spoil it. Fancy -a bride, now, having a toothache, or a swelled face during the -honeymoon. In courtship she won't show, but in marriage she can't help -it. - - -A LAGGING COMPLIMENT.--364. - -An American editor once, in attempting to compliment General Pillow -as a "battle-scarred veteran," was made by the typos to call him a -"battle-scared veteran." In the next issue the mistake was so far -corrected as to style him a "bottle-scarred veteran." - - -WEDLOCK FIRST INSTITUTED.--365. - -Wedlock was first instituted in Paradise. Well, there must have been a -charming climate there. It could not have been too hot, for Eve never -used a parasol, or even a "kiss-me-quick;" and Adam never complained, -though he wore no clothes, that the sun blistered his skin. It could -not have been wet, or they would have coughed all the time, like -consumptive sheep; and it would have spoiled their garden, let alone -giving them the chilblains and the snuffles. They didn't require -umbrellas, uglies, fans, or india-rubber shoes. There was no such a -thing as a stroke of the sun, or a snow-drift there. The temperature -must have been perfect, and connubial bliss I allot was rael jam up. -The only thing that seemed wanting there was for some one to drop in -to tea now and then, for Eve to have a good chat with, while Adam was -a studyin' astronomy, or tryin' to invent a kettle that would stand -fire; for women do like talking, that's a fact, and there are many -little things they have to say to each other that no man has any right -to hear, and if he did he couldn't understand.--_Sam Slick._ - - -A STRIKING LESSON.--366. - -A canal boat was once passing through a narrow lock on the Erie line, -and the captain hailed the passengers and said, "Look out!" Well, -a Frenchman thinking something strange was to be seen, popped his -head out, and it was cut off in a minute. "Oh, _mon Dieu_!" said his -comrade, "dat is a very _striking_ lesson in English. On land look out -means open the window, and see what you will see. On board canal boat -it means have your head in, and don't look at nothin."--_Sam Slick._ - - -A DISINTERESTED LIEUTENANT.--367. - -"Feller sogers," said a newly-elected lieutenant of the militia, "I -am all-fired obliged to you for this shove-up in the ranks you have -given me. Feller sogers, I'm not going to forget your kindness soon, -not by a darned sight; and I'll tell you what it is, I'll stick to my -post like pitch to a pine-board, so long as ther's peace; but as I go -in for rotation in office, and if we should come to blows with the -British, darned if I don't resign right off, and give every feller a -fair shake for fame and glory." - - -CLAIMING AND TAKING EXEMPTION.--368. - -THE _Steuben Courier_ says that a man walked forty miles to claim -exemption from the war-draft, on the ground of inability to stand -long marches and the hardships of camp life.--A man named Jefferson -Davis was drafted in New Bedford on Tuesday last. We hope that he -may be able to go, and be in at the death of his illustrious rebel -namesake.--Seven of the waiters in one of the popular hotels of Boston -were the victims of the draft, but the next morning after their names -had been drawn from the wheel of the Provost-Marshal, they had all -skedaddled to parts unknown, and have not been heard of since.--There -were two Mike Sullivans, the _Boston Herald_ says, living at Fort -Hill, and neither had any other distinction. One of them was drafted, -but which of them neither could tell, nor any one else. One of them -was called upon by a friend, who inquired if he was the Michael -Sullivan who had been drafted. "Yes," said Mike, "I suppose I am." -"Are you sure of that, now?" exclaimed Mike's friend. "How the -divil do you know but you axe the other Mike Sullivan?"--A laughable -circumstance took place in the Fourteenth Ward, Philadelphia, during -the drafting. Everything was going on quietly, and good humour -appeared to be depicted upon every countenance. Among the many -hundreds that were there was a pale-faced son of the Emerald Isle, -gazing on the wheel, and at every revolution gasping for breath. Of a -sudden, losing all control of himself, he burst out: "Wherl it round! -wherl it round!--rouse it, will ye!" "What's the matter with you?" -said the Provost-Marshal. "Oh, be jabers, turn it round a dozen times, -for that man you drawed last is my next door neighbour." - - -GREAT SCARCITY.--369. - -Speaking of the great scarcity of provisions down South, a Northern -paper says--"Tea is so scarce in the South that they haven't even -drawings of it, and there are no grounds for supposing that they have -any coffee." - - -THE CAPTAIN'S PUDDING.--370. - -The following story is told of a Yankee captain and his -mate:--Whenever there was a plum-pudding made, by the captain's -orders, all the plums were put into one end of it, and that end placed -next to the captain, who, after helping himself, passed it to the -mate, who never found any plums in his part of it. After this game -had been played for some time, the mate prevailed on the steward -to place the end which had no plums in it next to the captain. The -captain no sooner perceived that the pudding had the wrong end turned -towards him, than picking up the dish, and turning it round, as if -to examine the china, he said: "This dish cost me two shillings in -Liverpool;" and put it down, as if without design, with the plum -end next to himself. "Is it possible?" said the mate, taking up the -dish. "I shouldn't suppose it was worth more than a shilling." And, -as if in perfect innocence, he put down the dish with the plums next -to himself. The captain looked at the mate; the mate looked at the -captain. The captain laughed; the mate laughed. "I tell you what, -young one," said the captain, "you've found me out, so we will just -cut the pudding lengthwise this time, and have the plums fairly -distributed hereafter." - - -SALARY NOT SO MUCH AN OBJECT, ETC.--371. - -Minister used to amuse me beyond anything, poor old soul. Once the -congregation met, and raised his wages from three to four hundred -dollars a-year. Well, it nearly set him crazy; it bothered him so he -could hardly sleep. So, after church was over the next Sunday, he -said, "My dear brethren, I hear you have raised my salary to four -hundred dollars. I am greatly obliged to you for your kindness, but I -can't think of taking it on no account. First, you can't afford it, -no how you can fix it, and I know it. Secondly, I ain't worth it, and -you know it; and, thirdly, I am nearly tired to death collecting my -present income. If I have to dun the same way for that it will kill -me. I can't stand it; I shall die. No, no, pay me what you allow me -more punctually, and it is all I ask, or will ever receive."--_Sam -Slick._ - - -ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES.--372. - -"Friend Wales,--You remember me. I saw you in Canada a few years -ago. I remember you, too. I seldim forgit a person. I hearn of -your marriage to the Princess Alexandry, & ment ter writ you a -congreetoolatory letter at the time, but I've bin bilding a barn this -summer, & hain't had no time to write letters to folks. Excoos me. We -hain't got any daily paper in our town, but we've got a female sewin -circle, which answers the same purpuss. Numeris changes has tooken -place since we met in the body politic. The body politic, in fack, is -sick. I sumtimes think it has got biles, friend Wales. In my country -we've got a war, while your country manetanes a nootral position! Yes, -sir, we've got a war, and the troo Patrit has to make sacrifisses. -I have alreddy given two cousins to the war, and I stand reddy to -sacrifiss my wife's brother rather'n not see the rebelyin krusht. -And if wuss cums to wuss I'll shed ev'ry drop of blud my able-bodied -relatiens has got to prosekoot the war. I think somebody oughter be -prosekooted, & it may as well be the war as anybody else. My object -in now addressin' you is to give you sum adwice, friend Wales, about -managin' your wife, a bizness I've had over thirty years' experience -in. You had a good weddin. The papers hav a good deal to say about -'vikins' in connection tharewith. Not knowing what that air, and so -I frankly tells you, my noble lord dook, I can't 'zactly say whether -we had 'em or not. We was both very much flustrated. But I never -enjoyed myself better in my life. Dowtless, your supper was ahead of -our'n. As regards eatin' uses Baldinsville was allers shaky. But you -can git a good meal in New York, and cheap, too. You can git half a -mackrill at Delmonico's or Mr. Mason Dory's, for six dollars, and a -biled pertaters throwd in. I manidge my wife without any particler -trouble. When I fust commenst trainin' her I institooted a series of -experiments, and them as didn't work I abanding'd. You had better do -similer. There's varis ways of managin' a wife, friend Wales, but the -best and only safe way is to let her do jist about as she wants to. -I 'dopted that there plan sum time ago, and it works like a charm. -Remember me kindly to Mrs. Wales. As yehrs roll by, and accidents -begin to happen to you--and your responsibilities increase--you will -agree with me that family joys air the only ones a man can bet on -with any certinty of winnin'. It may interest you to know that I'm -prosperin' in a pecoonery pint of view. I make 'bout as much in the -course of a year as a Cab'net offisser does, and I understan' my -bizness a good deal better than sum of 'em do. Respects to St. Gorge -and the Dragon.--'Ever be happy.'" - - "ARTEMUS WARD." - - -PROVIDING FOR BILLS.--373. - -Two city merchants conversing upon business at the door of the New -York Coffee-house, one of them made some remarks on the badness of the -times; and perceiving at the moment a flight of pigeons passing over -their heads, he exclaimed, "How happy are those pigeons! they have -no acceptances to provide for." To which the other replied, "You are -rather in error, my friend, for _they_ have their _bills to provide -for_ as well as we!" - - -GENERAL LEE AND A SON OF ERIN.--374. - -When General Lee was a prisoner at Albany he dined with an Irishman. -Before entering upon the wine, the general remarked to his host, that -after drinking he was apt to abuse Irishmen, for which he hoped the -host would excuse him in advance. "By my soul, general, I will do -that," said his host, "if you will excuse a trifling fault which I -have myself. It is this: whenever I hear a man abusing old Ireland, I -have a sad fault of cracking his head with my shillaly!" The general -was civil during the rest of the evening. - - -THE NIAGARA FALLS FROM FOUR POINTS OF VIEW.--375. - -Mr. G. A. Sala, describing the Niagara Falls, says:--"A Swiss -watchmaker observed that he was very glad 'de beautiful ting was -going.' He looked upon it as some kind of clockwork arrangement, which -would run down and be wound up again. Everybody knows the story of the -'cute Yankee who called it 'an almighty water privilege.' It is one, -and would turn all the mill-wheels in the world. 'Here creation's done -its d--dest,' remarked another; and, quoth a fourth, 'I guess this -hyar suckles the ocean sea considerable.'" - - -LOGIC OF CONGRESS.--376. - -The House of Representatives at Washington has passed, by a majority -of seven to one, a resolution which, after stating the existence of -rebellion, runs thus:--"Resolved, that it is the political, civil, -moral, and sacred duty of the poople to meet it, fight it, and for -ever destroy it, thereby establishing perfect and unalterable liberty." - - -COLT'S ARMS _versus_ COLT'S LEGS.--377. - -Colt's arms are useful when you want to fight, but if you want to run -away, colt's legs are better. - - -INFANTILE IDEAS OF DISTANCE.--378. - -A happy comment on the annihilation of time and space by locomotive -agency was made by a little child who rode fifty miles in a railway -train, and then took a coach to her uncle's house, some five miles -further, and was asked on her arrival if she came by the cars. "We -came a little way in the cars, and all the rest of the way in a -carriage." - - -"DAT'S DE MYSTERY."--379. - -Two darkies had bought a mess of pork in partnership, but Sam having -no place to put his portion in, consented to trust the whole to -Julius' keeping. The next morning they met, when Sam says--"Good -mornin', Julius, anything happen strange or mysterious down in your -vicinity lately?" "Yaas, Sam, most a strange thing happen at my house -yesterlast night--all mystery, all mystery to me." "Ah, Julius, what -was dat?" "Well, Sam, I tole you now. Dis morning I went down into the -cellar for to get a piece of hog for dis darky's breakfast, and I put -my hand down in de brine and felt all round, but no pork dere--all -gone. Codn't tell what bewent with it, so I turned up de bar'l, and -Sam, true as preachin', de rats had eat a hole clar froo de bottom -of de bar'l, and dragged de pork all out!" Sam was petrified with -astonishment, but presently said--"Why didn't de brine run out of the -same hole?" "Ah, Sam, dat's de mystery." - - -OUR BOB.--380. - -Judge S---- had a very wild son, named Bob, who was constantly -on a spree, and upon being brought up once before the court for -drunkenness, the judge cried out--"Is that _our_ Bob?" _Clerk_: "Yes, -sir." _Judge_: "Fine the rascal two dollars and costs; I'd make it ten -dollars, if I didn't know it would come out of my own pocket." - - -SAMBO'S SUSPICION.--381. - -A gentleman who holds a responsible position under Government -concluded to change his lodgings. He sent one of the waiters of the -hotel where he had selected apartments after his baggage. Meeting the -waiter an hour or two afterwards, he said--"Well, Sambo, did you bring -my baggage down?" "No, sah!" blandly responded the sable gentleman. -"Why, what was the reason?" "Case, sah, the gentleman in de office -said you had not paid your bill." "Not paid my bill! why, that's -singular--he knew me very well when he kept the Girard House, in -Philadelphia." "Well, mebbe," rejoined Sambo, thoughtfully scratching -his head, "_dat was de reason he wouldn't gib me de baggage_." - - -WHERE THE DUCKS WENT.--382. - -A man was brought into one of the New York courts on the charge -of having stolen some ducks from a farmer. "How do you know they -are your ducks?" asked the defendant's counsel. "Oh! I should know -them _anywhere_," said the farmer, who proceeded to describe their -peculiarities. "Why," said the prisoner's counsel, "those ducks can't -be such a rare breed--I have some very much like them in my yard." -"That's not unlikely, sir," said the farmer, "they are not the only -ducks I've had stolen lately." Call the next witness. - - -NO PLACE LIKE HOME.--383. - -A young man, rather verdant, and very sentimental, while making -himself interesting to a young lady the other evening by quoting from -the poets, to the other choice and rare extracts he added, "There is -no place like home." "Do you really think so?" said the young lady. -"Oh, yes!" was the reply. "Then," said calico, "why don't you stay -there?" - - -DAMAGING THE ENGINE.--384. - -A man was sitting on the track of the New London road, when the train -came along and pitched him head over heels into the bushes. The train -stopped and backed to pick up the body, when the man coolly informed -the conductor, as he brushed the dirt from his coat sleeves, that if -he "had damaged the engine any he was ready to settle for it," and -walked off home. - - -A QUAKER WOMAN'S SERMON.--385. - -My dear friends, there are three things I very much wonder at. The -first is, that children should be so foolish as to throw up stones, -clubs, and brickbats into fruit-trees, to knock down fruit; if they -would let it alone it would fall itself. The second is, that men -should be so foolish, and even so wicked, as to go to war and kill -each other; if let alone they would die themselves. And the third, and -last, thing that I wonder at is, that young men should be so unwise -as to go after the young women; if they would stay at home the young -women would come after them. - - -A DELICATE CUT.--386. - -A couple of Albany ecclesiastics were at Saratoga at the time of the -annual races, which were under the management of Morrissey, the -famous prize-fighter, gamester, &c. Parson M----, a Baptist clergyman, -and Father C----, a Catholic priest, are both jolly fellows in an -innocent way, and, despite their difference of creed, remarkably good -friends. Meeting each other, M---- said jocosely, as he approached the -other, "Ah! I understand it, you have come to attend the races!" and -added, "Do you know Morrissey?" "No," said Father C----, "and I beg -you won't introduce me." - - -NOVEL TELEGRAPHIC MESSAGE.--387. - -The following telegraphic message was sent from an Albany office:--"To ----- Third Epistle of John, 13th and 14th verses. Signed ----." -The text referred to is as follows, and makes quite a lengthy and -understandable letter:--"I had many things to write, but I will not -with ink and pen write to thee. But I trust I shall shortly see thee, -and we shall speak face to face. Peace be to thee. Our friends salute -thee. Greet the friends by name." - - -BREAKFAST IN BED.--388. - -A new way of keeping warm has been put in practice with good effect. -It is to have a buckwheat cake made large enough to cover the -bed-quilt, and spread over it "piping hot" at the time of retiring. -When made of sufficient thickness it retains the heat until morning, -and if a person is too lazy to get up, he can make a very good -breakfast off the edges as he lies. - - -SHEDDING THEIR LAST DROP OF BLOOD.--389. - -"General," said Major Jack Downing, "I always observed that those -persons who have a great deal to say about being ready to shed their -last drop of blood, are amazin' pertic'lar about the first drop." We -have too many of that style of patriots now-a-days. - - -POINTED RETORT.--390. - -A politician was boasting in a public speech that he could bring an -argument to a p'int as quick as any other man. "You can bring a quart -to a pint a good deal quicker," replied an acquaintance. - - -THE LETTER R.--391. - -The letter R is the embodiment of every American patriot's hope, -because it is the end of war and the commencement of reunion. - - -NOT WILLING TO DIE.--392. - -A Jersey man was very sick, and was not expected to recover. His -friends got around his bed, and one of them says: "John do you -feel willing to die?" John made an effort to give his views on the -subject, and answered with his feeble voice: "I--think--I'd rather -stay--where--I'm better acquainted." - - -HER POOR JERRY.--393. - -An old woman received a letter from the post-office, at New York. Not -knowing how to read, and being anxious to know the contents, supposing -it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to -read the letter to her. He accordingly began and read--"Charleston, -June 23: Dear mother," then making a stop to find out what followed -(as the writing was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed: "_Oh, 'tis my -poor Jerry, he always stuttered!_" - - -TALL TALK.--394. - -A Kentuckian was once asked what he considered the boundaries of the -United States. "The boundaries of our country, sir?" he replied. "Why, -sir, on the north we are bounded by the Aurora Borealis, on the east -we are bounded by the rising sun, on the south we are bounded by the -procession of the Equinoxes, and on the west by the Day of Judgment." - - -AN EYE TO BUSINESS.--395. - -The Southerners are, of course, not nearly so commercial a race as -the Yankees, but still they are much given to "trading" amongst each -other. At an hospital in Gettysburg, an artilleryman, whose leg was to -be taken off, no sooner knew that the amputation was decided upon by -the doctors, than he turned to another wounded man in the next bed, -and, before the operation was performed, had "traded" the boot, which -was henceforth to be of no use to him. - - -WHAT A FINE WOMAN IS LIKE.--396. - -A fine woman is like a locomotive, because she draws a train after -her, scatters the sparks, and transports the males. If there is any -one of our hundred thousand readers has anything that can beat the -above we will be pleased to hear from him. - - -TRUTH WANTED.--397. - -Two years ago, at the Spring Term of the District Court at Topeka, -Kansas, Judge Rush Elmore presiding, a witness was called upon the -stand. After being sworn, the counsel for the defence said to the -witness--a tall, green specimen, and somewhat embarrassed--"Now, sir, -stand up and tell your story like a preacher." "No, _sir_!" roared -the judge, "none of that; I want you to tell the _truth_!" Just -imagine the sheriff, deputies, and bailiffs trying to keep "order" and -"silence." - - -AN IRISH BULL AT BULL'S RUN.--398. - -An Irishman, who was at the celebrated battle of Bull's Run, was -somewhat startled when the head of his companion on the left was taken -off by a cannon-ball. In a few minutes, however, a spent ball broke -off the finger of his comrade on the other side. The latter threw -down his gun and howled with pain, when the Irishman rushed upon him, -exclaiming, "You owld woman, sthop cryin'! You are making more noise -about it than the man who just lost his head!" - - -STRONG INDUCEMENT TO CLOSE UP.--399. - -A Cincinnati paper, in speaking of the overthrow of the rebels at -Phillippi, says that just before the Federal troops entered the town, -a certain Indiana company, almost worn out with the march, were -straggling along with very little regard to order. Hurrying up to his -men, the captain shouted, "Close up, close up. _If the enemy were to -fire when you're straggling along that way, they couldn't hit a cussed -one of you!_ Close up!" And the boys closed up immediately. - - -STEAM DEFINED.--400. - -At a railway station, an old lady said to a very pompous-looking -gentleman, who was talking about steam communication: "Pray, sir, -what is steam?" "Steam, ma'am, is ah!--steam, is ah! ah! steam -is--steam!" "I knew that chap couldn't tell ye," said a rough-looking -fellow standing by; "but steam is a bucket of water in a tremendous -perspiration." - - -A "BUS" IN THE CARS.--401. - -Friends are in the habit of warmly greeting their acquaintances upon -the arrival of passenger cars at some of the railway stations. It -was only the other day that a young gentleman rushed through a crowd -towards a lady, seized her hand, and gave her a hearty kiss, the smack -of which sounded above--we were going to say the ding of dongs; but it -is enough to state that the report startled a country lass hard by, -who exclaimed to her "feller," "Massy, Josh! what on airth's gev way -on the keers?" - - -HOUSEHOLD WORDS.--402. - -Pshaw! Stop your noise! Shut up this minute! I'll box your ears! You -hold your tongue! Let me be! Go away! Get out! Behave yourself! I -won't! You shall! Never mind! You'll catch it! Don't bother! Come here -directly! Put away those things! You'll kill yourself! I don't care! -They're mine! Mind your own business! I'll tell ma! You mean thing! -There, I told you so! You didn't! You did! I will have it! Oh, see -what you have done! 'Twas you! Won't you catch it, though? It's my -house! Who's afraid of you? Mah-h-h! Boo, hoo, boo, hoo, oo! What's -the matter? Clear out of this room, directly! Do you hear me? Dear me! -I never did see in all my born days! It's enough to set one crazy! -Would you put a tuck in it? Well, says I! Says he! Says she! Says -they! Bless me! No! Hem it all this way round! Three flounces! Gored! -Worked crosswise! Trimmed with velvet! Ten yards? Cut bias! Real -sweet! Tut! Wal, now! - - -HIS REASONS FOR LEAVING.--403. - -On our trip up the river once we had on board a tall, gaunt-looking -volunteer. His appearance not only indicated that he was lately from -the hospital, but that it would perhaps have been better for him to -have remained there still, for he certainly did not seem to be in a -fit condition to travel. He was from Eastern Ohio, and by some strange -whim of his comrades (soldiers have odd notions as to name), he had -won the cognomen of "Beauregard." He was full of dry humour, and it -had a peculiar zest, coming from such a dilapidated specimen of the -human kind. I asked him: "How long were you in the hospital at ----?" -"I stayed just five days; I couldn't stand it any longer." "Why so? -Were you not well treated?" "Well, you see, when I went in there were -six patients. The first day they buried one." "Well, what of that?" -"Nothing--only the very next day they buried another." "They must have -been severe cases, and made it very unpleasant for you." "Unpleasant! -I knew my turn would come in time. I went in on Monday, and if I -stayed I would be carried out on Saturday. So I made my calculation, -and on Friday I packed my knapsack and went away. If I had not, I'd -surely been buried on Saturday. Six days--one man each day--could't -stand that." - - -YOUR FARE, MISS.--404. - -The most veracious chroniclers of Chicago relate the experience of a -young lady from the rural districts of Hoosierdom, who visited the -Queen City of the West, accompanied by her particular swain, and took -an appreciative view of the "elephant." Getting into one of the city -cars for a ride, the maiden took a seat, while the lover planted -himself on the platform. The graceful vehicle had sped but a few -short blocks, when the beneficent young conductor insinuated himself -into the popular chariot, for the purpose of collecting expenses. -Approaching the rustic maiden, he said, affably, "Your fare, miss." -The Hoosier rosebud allowed a delicate pink to manifest itself on -her cheeks, and looked down in soft confusion. The justly popular -conductor was rather astonished at this, and ventured to remark once -more--"Your fare, miss." This time the pink deepened to carnation, -and the maiden fingered her parasol with pretty coquettishness. The -conductor really didn't know what to make of this sort of thing, and -began to look a little foolish; but as a small boy at the other end -of the car began to show signs of a disposition to leave without -paying for his ride, the official managed to say once more--"Hem! -miss, your fare." In a moment those lovely violet eyes were looking -up into his face, through an aurora of blushes, and the rosy lips -exclaimed--"Well, they dew say I am good-looking at hum, but I -don't see why you want to say it out loud!" It was not a peal of -thunder that shook the car just then. Oh, no. It was something that -commenced in a general passengerical titter, and culminating in such -a shattering guffaw as Western lungs alone are capable of. In the -midst of the cachinnatory tempest the "lovyer" came to the rescue of -his Doxiana; and when the "pint of the hull thing" was explained to -him, his mouth expanded to proportions that might have made Barnum's -hippopotamus die of jealousy on the spot. The pair descended from -the car amid a salvo of Mirth's artillery, and when last seen were -purchasing artificial sweetness at a candy-shop. - - -AGREEING WITH ALL THE GIRLS.--405. - -In a lesson in parsing the sentence, "man, courting capacity of bliss, -etc.," the word courting comes to a pert young miss of fourteen to -parse. She commenced hesitatingly, but got along well enough until -she was to tell what it agreed with. Here she stopped short. But -as the teacher said, "Very well, what does courting agree with?" -Ellen blushed, and hung down her head. "Ellen, don't you know what -that agrees with?" "Ye--ye--yes, sir!" "Well, Ellen, why don't you -parse that word? What does it agree with?" Blushing still more, and -stammering, Ellen says, "It a-agrees with _all the girls_, sir!" - - -WHEN THE BOAT STARTED.--406. - -A certain green customer, who was a stranger to mirrors, and who -stepped into the cabin of one of our ocean steamers, stopping in front -of a large pier glass, which he took for a door, said--"I say, mister, -when does this here boat start?" Getting no reply from the dumb -reflection before him, he again repeated--"I say, mister, when does -this here boat start?" Incensed at the still silent figure, he broke -out--"You sassafras-coloured, shock-headed bull calf, you don't look -as if you knew much anyhow." - - -THE BLIND PHRENOLOGIST OF ST. LOUIS.--407. - -There is a blind phrenologist in St. Louis who is great on examining -bumps. A wag or two got one of the distinguished judges, who thinks a -great deal of himself, and has a very bald head, which he generally -covers with a wig, to go to his rooms one day, and have his head -examined. Wags and judge arrive. "Mr. B.," said one, "we have now -brought you for examination a head as is a head; we wish to test your -science." "Very well," said the phrenologist, "place the head under -my hand." "He wears a wig," said one. "Can't examine with that on," -replied the professor. Wig was accordingly taken off, and the bald -head of the highly-expectant judge was placed under manipulation of -the examiner. "What's this? what this?" said the phrenologist; and -pressing his hand on the top of the head, he said, somewhat ruffled, -"Gentlemen, Heaven has visited me with affliction--I have lost my -eyesight--but I am no fool; _you can't pass this off on me for a -head_!" - - -CHASING A LOCOMOTIVE.--408. - -A friend who lately indulged in a chase after a locomotive declares it -"the silliest thing a sane man can do." This is his account:--"Rushing -out from the refreshment-room on the platform, I saw my train moving -off 'gradually,' with about seventy-five yards the start. I have -been counted a good runner in my time, and for the first hundred -yards I gained on it. Then for about a quarter of a mile it was -'nip and tuck,' at the end of which I concluded that steam was more -than a match for muscle, and 'caved.' The last I saw of my train it -was 'going it' around a curve at the rate of twenty-five miles an -hour, the passengers waving their handkerchiefs at me, and cheering -vociferously. As I walked sheepishly back to the dépôt, a thought came -into my head that it _might_ run off the track in going round the -curve at that rate of speed, and I am afraid that I rather encouraged -the idea." - - -THE LATEST WAY.--409. - -The latest way to pop the question is to ask a fair lady if you can -have the pleasure of seeing her to the minister's. - - -A GREAT TRAVELLER.--410. - -A good story is told of a Washington countryman, who, on his way to -Cincinnati, became somewhat elevated by sundry "drinks," but, as good -luck would have it, found a boat at the wharf, and was quickly on his -way. Soon after leaving the wharf, a man came round for his fare. -Horrall handed him out a five-dollar bill, and received four dollars -and ninety-five cents in change. He rammed it into his pocket-book -with great eagerness, supposing the clerk had made a mistake. That -done, he leaned back into his chair and fell asleep. A little while -and he was plucked awake by the same man, who again demanded fare. -"Discovered the mistake," holding out a handful of change. The man, -as before, took only five cents, and Horrall again went into a doze. -Ere he had got fairly into dreaming of home and friends far away, -around came the collector again, and thus it went on for a long time. -At last Horrall thought it very inconvenient, and concluded to vote -the collector a nuisance, and give him a bit of advice besides; so -he said: "Is (hic) this a da-n-ger (hic) ous (hic) bo-boat?" "By no -means," said the man. "Bran new." "Then, by gummy, (hic) why do (hic) -don't you collect all the fa (hic) hair at once--not bo-bother a fel -(hic) heller for it every mile as it comes due?" "Really," said the -man, "where do you think you are going?" "Cincin (hic) hinnati," said -Horrall. "Cincinnati," said the polite conductor, "why you must be -sadly out of your reckoning. This is the ferry-boat, and all this -afternoon you have been riding to and fro between New Albany and -Portland." - - -WHOSE FAULT WAS IT?--411. - -A preacher stopped short in a pulpit; it was in vain that he scratched -his head--nothing would come out. "My friends," said he, as he walked -quietly down the pulpit stairs, "my friends, I pity you, for you have -lost a fine discourse." - - -A MODEST LINENDRAPER.--412. - -A dealer in ready-made linen advertises his shirts and chemisettes -under the mellifluous appellation of "Male and Female Envelopes." - - -GONE HOME.--413. - -One of the Richmond papers thus pleasantly announces the death of a -newspaper man in the Libby prison:--"A Yankee reporter gone home to -write up his reports by the fire." - - -AN INCIDENT AND AN EPIGRAM.--414. - -It chanced one evening, at one of the great hotels, that a gentleman, -seeking in vain for a candle with which to light himself to his room -at a late hour, passed a young lady who had two candles, of which she -politely offered him one. He took it and thanked her, and the next -morning acknowledged the courtesy in the following epigram. Luckily -for the poet (for his epigram would otherwise have been pointless), -the young lady was as handsome as she was polite:-- - - "You gave me a candle: I give you my thanks, - And add--as a compliment justly your due-- - There isn't a girl in these feminine ranks - Who could, if she tried, hold a candle to you!" - - -JUST GOT MARRIED.--415. - -The following amusing incident took place upon one of the Ohio river -steamboats:--While the boat was lying at Cincinnati, just ready to -start for Louisville, a young man came on board, leading a blushing -damsel by the hand, and approaching the polite clerk, in a suppressed -voice; "I say," he exclaimed, "me and my wife have just got married, -and I'm looking for accommodations." "Looking for a berth?" hastily -inquired the clerk--passing tickets out to another passenger. "A -_birth_! thunder and lightning, no!" gasped the astonished man; "_we -ha'nt but just got married_; we want a place to stay all night, you -know, and--and a bed." - - -KIND AND SYMPATHETIC.--416. - -"What is the matter, my dear?" asked a wife of her husband, who had -sat half an hour with his face buried in his hands, and apparently -in great tribulation. "Oh, I don't know," said he; "I have felt like -a fool all day." "Well," returned the wife, consolingly, "I'm afraid -you'll never be any better--you look the picture of what you feel!" - - -HUMAN NATURE.--417. - -Some wise man sagely remarked, "there is a good deal of human nature -in man." It crops out occasionally in boys. One of the urchins in the -school-ship _Massachusetts_, who was quite sick, was visited by a kind -lady. The little fellow was suffering acutely, and his visitor asked -him if she could do anything for him. "Yes," replied the patient, -"read to me." "Will you have a story?" asked the lady. "No," answered -the boy; "read from the Bible; read about Lazarus;" and the lady -complied. The next day the visit was repeated, and again the boy asked -the lady to read. "Shall I read from the Bible?" she inquired. "Oh, -no," was the reply, "I'm better to-day; _read me a love story_." - - -A YOUNG LADY'S SACRIFICE.--418. - -A young lady has been heard to declare that she couldn't go to fight -for the country, but she was willing to allow the young men to go, -and die an _old maid_, which she thought was as great a sacrifice as -_anybody_ could be called upon to make! - - -POETRY AND PROSE.--419. - -A country editor, referring to Tupper's line, "A babe in the house is -a well-spring of pleasure," says, "If it is we prefer to get water -from the pump." - - -DANIEL WEBSTER AND HIS BILLS.--420. - -Our readers are aware that the late Hon. Daniel Webster was not so -careful in his pecuniary matters as some men, and this fault was at -times taken advantage of. At one time a man sawed a pile of wood -for him, and, having presented his bill, it was promptly paid by -Mr. Webster. The labourer was taken ill during the winter, and a -neighbour advised him to call upon Mr. Webster for the payment of his -bill. "But he has paid me," said the man. "No matter," replied his -dishonest adviser, "call again with it. He don't know, and don't mind -what he pays. It is a very common thing for him to pay much larger -bills twice." The man got well, and carried in his account the second -time. Mr. Webster looked at it, looked at the man, remembered him, but -paid the bill without demurring. The fellow got "short" some three -of four months afterwards, and bethought him of the generosity and -loose manner of Mr. Webster in his money matters, and a third time -he called and presented the bill for sawing the wood. Mr. Webster -took the account, which he immediately recognized, and, scanning the -wood-sawyer a moment, said: "How do you keep your books, sir?" "I keep -no books" said the man, abashed. "I think you do, sir," continued Mr. -Webster, with marked emphasis; "and you excel those who are satisfied -with the double-entry system. You keep your books upon a triple-entry -plan, I observe." Tearing up the account, Mr. Webster added: "Go, sir, -and be honest hereafter. I have no objection to paying these little -bills twice, but I cannot pay them three times. You may retire." The -man left the room, feeling as though he was suffocating for want of -air. He had learned a lesson that lasted through life. - - -KEEPING A SECRET.--421. - -Of the descendants of the Pilgrims there once lived an old man, -who, unlike nearly all his brethren, had no particular respect for -the clergy. Going his accustomed rounds one day, he met a reverend -gentleman, who, after a few casual remarks on worldly topics, thus -addressed him:--"Mr. Brown, you have lived long; very few attain your -age. Would it not be the part of wisdom to attend to your soul's -concerns immediately? Really, it would rejoice my soul to see you at -the eleventh hour become a praying Christian." "Well, now, Parson -Hoyt, my Bible tells me to pray in secret." "Ah, well--yes--but _do_ -you pray in secret?" "Why, now, Parson Hoyt, you know if I should tell -you, 'twouldn't be any secret, anyhow." - - -MOST TOO SUDDEN.--422. - -An old lady, a resident of Providence, who had never ridden in the -cars, was persuaded, by the combined efforts of the children, James -and Mary, to accompany them on an excursion, she all the time saying -that she knew something would happen. She took her seat with fear and -trembling, taking hold of the arm of the seat next the passage-way. -The train was late, as excursion trains are usually, and in coming -round a curve the Boston express train was on the same track, both -nearing each other faster than was pleasant. The momentum of each -train was nearly lost, and they came together with a chuck, which -pitched the old lady on her face in the passage-way between the seats. -She rose to her hands, and, looking back, asked: "_Jeems, do they -allus stop like that?_" - - -"ANY RELATIONS?"--423. - -The man who collects the names of soldiers for the town records of -Adams was recently the questioner in the following conversation, the -lady of the house replying:--"Have you any friends in the war, madam?" -"No, sir." "Any relations?" "No, sir." "Do you know anybody from this -neighbourhood who is in the army?" "No, sir." As he was leaving, a -bright thought struck her, and she rushed to the door, exclaiming: -"Oh, my husband has gone to the war!" - - -DIDN'T CARE THEN IF HE DID.--424. - -A gentleman from Boston chanced to find himself among a little party -of ladies away down East this summer, in the enjoyment of some -innocent social play. He carelessly placed his arm about the slender -waist of as pretty a damsel as Maine can boast of, when she started, -and exclaimed: "Begone, sir; don't insult me!" The gentleman instantly -apologized for his seeming rudeness, and assured the half-offended -fair one that he did not mean to insult her. "No?" she replied, -archly. "Well, if you didn't, you may do it again." - - -NO JUSTICE IN THAT COURT.--425. - -A villanous specimen of humanity was brought into the Police Court -before Justice Cole, of Albany, charged with having brutally -assaulted his wife. The charge was substantiated in the clearest and -most positive manner, and exhibited the most heartless cruelty on the -husband's part. On his examination before the Justice, he had a good -deal to say about "getting justice." "Justice!" exclaimed Squire Cole, -"you can't get it here. This court has no power to hang you!" - - -SENSATIONS OF A DOWN-EASTER.--426. - -It has been truly said that "we reckon the progress of our lives by -sensations, not years," and an anecdote related by a friend very -happily illustrates the truth of the maxim. A young man "down East" -was asked his age; to which he answered--"Wal, I don't know exactly, -but I have had the seven year itch three times." - - -CHANGES.--427. - -A young lady, in a class studying physiology, made answer to a -question put, that in six years a human body became entirely changed, -so that not a particle which was in it at the commencement of the -period would remain at the close of it. "Then, Miss L.," said the -young tutor, "in six years you will cease to be Miss L.?" "Why, yes, -sir, I suppose so," said she, very modestly looking at the floor. - - -LONGFELLOW AND LONGWORTH.--428. - -One of the happiest witticisms on record is related by the Boston -correspondent of the _Cincinnati Gazette_:--"I heard the other day of -a _bon mot_ made by Longfellow, the poet. Young Mr. Longworth, from -your city, being introduced to him, some one present remarked upon the -similarity of the first syllable of the two names. 'Yes,' said the -poet, 'but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply:-- - -"_Worth_ makes the man, the want of it the _fellow_."'" - - -NOVEL PROPOSITION.--429. - -It is proposed to light the streets of a Western city with red-headed -girls. In noticing the fact, a contemporary says, he'd like to play -tipsy every night, and hang hold of the lamp-posts. - - -INTERESTING ANNOUNCEMENT.--430. - -It is with feelings too deep for utterance, and a sense of obligation -overwhelming, and of worldly consequence never before experienced, -and with a heartfelt ecstacy heretofore not even dreamed of, that the -junior editor of this paper announces to his friends, and the rest of -mankind, that a son was born unto him on the morning of Friday last. A -general reprieve is granted to all political offenders, and an earnest -appeal made to those in pecuniary arrears to liquidate at the earliest -convenience, as the young gentleman must be fed and clothed. - - -EXCUSE FOR DRINKING.--431. - -A lady made her husband a present of a silver drinking cup, with an -angel at the bottom; and when she filled it for him he used to drink -it to the bottom, and she asked him why he drank every drop. "Because, -duckey," he said, "I long to see the dear little angel." Upon which -she had the angel taken out, and had a devil engraved at the bottom; -and he drank it off just the same, and she again asked him the reason. -"Why," replied he, "because I won't leave the old devil a drop." - - -TIGHT-FISTED.--432. - -The account comes to us of a young man who attends church regularly, -and clasps his hands so tight during praying time that he can't get -them open when the contribution box comes round. - - -EDITORS' WIVES WIELDING THE BROOM.--433. - -An editor says his attention was first drawn to matrimony by the -skilful manner in which a pretty girl handled a broom. A brother -editor says the manner in which his wife handles a broom is not so -very pleasing. - - -THE WRONG WOMAN.--434. - -A Jersey man was lately arrested for flogging a woman, and excused the -act by saying he was near-sighted, and thought it was his wife. - - -A JOKE BY THE PRESIDENT.--435. - -"How do you do, Mr. Lincoln?" "Well, that reminds me of a story. As -the labourer said to the bricklayer, after falling through the roof -and rafters of an unfinished house, I have gone through a great deal -since you saw me last." - - -WISE LAWS--BY SAM SLICK.--436. - -If a woman was to put a Bramah lock on her heart, a skilful man would -find his way into it, if he wanted to, I know. That contrivance is set -to a particular word; find the letters that compose it, and it opens -at once. - -If a man's sensibility is all in his palate, he can't, of course, have -much in his heart. - -I tell you what, President, says I, seein' is believin', but it aint -them that stare the most who see the best always. - -Thunderin' long words aint wisdom, and stopping a critter's mouth is -more apt to improve his wind than his onderstandin'. - -Swapping facts is better than swapping horses any time. - -Providence requires three things of us before it will help us--a stout -heart, a strong arm, and a stiff upper lip. - -Hope is a pleasant acquaintance, but an unsafe friend. It'll do on -a pinch for a travellin' companion, but he is not the man for your -banker. - -"Don't care" won't bear friendship for fruit, and "don't know, I'm -sure," won't ripen it. - -What a pity it is marryin' spoils courtin'. - -There's no pinnin' up a woman in a corner, unless she wants to be -caught, that's a fact. - -Consait grows as nateral as the hair on one's head, but it's longer in -comin' out. - -People have no right to make fools of themselves, unless they have no -relations to blush for them. - -It 'aint every change that's a reform, that's a fact, and reforms -'aint always improvements. - -Blushin' for others is the next thing to taking a kicking from them. - - -A DOUBLE DIFFICULTY.--437. - -An anti-slavery man says what the Southern Confederacy wants is the -capitol, and what they can't get to take it with is the capital. - - -WITH A QUILL.--438. - -A Mr. Hen has started a new paper in Iowa. He says he hopes by hard -scratching to make a living for himself and his little chickens. - - -DOUBTFUL.--439. - -After asking your name in the State of Arkansas, the natives are in -the habit of saying, in a confidential tone, "Well, now, what war yer -name before yer moved to these parts?" - - -THE LETTER S.--440. - -A writer says the Americans will always have more cause to remember -the S than any other letter in the alphabet, because it is the -beginning of secession, and the end of Jeff. Davis. - - -NONSENSE ABOUT LOVE.--441. - -What nonsense people talk about love, don't they? Sleepness nights, -broken dreams, beatin' hearts, pale faces, a pinin' away to shaders, -fits of absence, loss of appetite, narvous flutterin's, and all that. -I haven't got the symptoms, but I'll swear to the disease. Folks take -this talk, I guess, from poets; and they are miserable, mooney sort of -critters; half mad and whole lazy, who would rather take a day's dream -than a day's work any time, and catch rhymes as niggers catch flies, -to pass time; hearts and darts; cupid and stupid; purlin' streams and -pulin' dreams, and so on. It's all bunkum!--_Sam Slick._ - - -WONDERFUL.--442. - -An exchange, recording the fall of a person into the river, says:--"It -is a wonder he escaped with his life." Prentice says: "Wouldn't it -have been a still greater wonder if he had escaped without it?" - - -HARD UP.--443. - -Jersey man (entering a dentist's store): "Air yeou a doctor, -sir?"--Dentist: "Yes. Can I do anything for you?"--Jersey man: "Wall, -no; I guess not in the way of physic. I've jest called to see if yeou -don't want to buy some real, genuine, sound teeth?"--Dentist: "Well, -I might want them; have you many?"--Jersey man: "I calkilate I can't -say I have more'n a few, myself; but our Sal sez she has got some -she'll sell, if I can strike a good bargain."--Dentist, having thought -for some time, names a price, and the countryman consents.--Jersey -man (taking a seat, and coolly spreading himself out): "Wall, I -guess yeou may draw a dozen for the present, and I'll bring Sal -to-morrow."--Dentist (looking aghast): "Why, you don't mean to sell -your own teeth? They're of no use to me."--Jersey man: "Why, look -here, they're no airthly use to Sal and me; for what's the use of -teeth when one's nothing to eat?" - - -MILITARY TACTICS.--444. - -The stratagems resorted to by the soldiers at Cairo, to smuggle liquor -into their quarters, were often amusing. One day a man started out -with his coffee-pot for milk. On his return, an officer suspecting him -to have whisky in his can, wished to examine it, and the man satisfied -him by pouring out milk. At night there was a general drunk in that -soldier's quarters, ending in a fight. It was at last discovered that -the man had put a little milk into the spout of his can, sealing the -inside with bread, and filling the can with whisky. - - -SETTLING THE WINE BILL.--445. - -An officer staying at a hotel in Washington, on asking for his bill -one morning, found that a quart of wine was charged when he had but a -pint. He took exceptions to the item. Landlord was incorrigible: said -there never was any mistake about the wine bills. Officer paid it, and -went to his room to pack his carpet-bag. Having made purchases, his -bag was too full to let in an extra pair of boots. Landlord was sent -for--came. Says the officer, "I can't get these boots into this d----d -bag."--Landlord: "If you can't, I am sure I can't."--Officer: "Yes you -can; for a man who can put a quart of wine into a pint bottle can put -these boots into that bag." Landlord laughed heartily, cancelled the -whole bill, and returned the amount. - - -SMILES.--446. - -What a sight there is in that word--smile; for it changes colour -like a chameleon. There's a vacant smile, a cold smile, a smile of -approbation, a friendly smile; but, above all, a smile of love. A -woman has two smiles that an angel might envy--the smile that accepts -the lover before words are uttered, and the smile that lights on the -first-born baby, and assures him of a mother's love.--_Sam Slick._ - - -FORLORN HOPE.--447. - -An old maid, who had her eye a little sideways on matrimony, -says:--"The curse of this war is, that it will make so many widows, -who will be fierce to get married, and who know how to do it. Modest -girls will stand no chance at all." - - -ARTISTIC EXECUTION.--448. - -A man out West, who had a brother hanged, informed his friends in the -East that his "brother on a recent occasion addressed a large public -meeting, and just as he finished, the platform on which he stood gave -way, and he fell and broke his neck." - - -TALKING MATCH.--449. - -A talking match lately came off for five dollars a side. It continued -for thirteen hours, the rivals being a Frenchman and a Kentuckian. The -bystanders and judges were talked to sleep, and when they awoke in the -morning they found the Frenchman dead, and the Kentuckian whispering -in his ear. - - -KISSING BY PROXY.--450. - -One of the deacons of a certain church in Virginia asked the Bishop -if he usually kissed the bride at weddings? "Always," was the reply. -"And how do you manage when the happy pair are negroes?" was the -next question. "In all such cases," replied the Bishop, "the duty of -kissing the lady is appointed to the deacons." - - -EFFECTIVE REMONSTRANCE.--451. - -One of the boys at Camp Noble, Indiana, was put on guard one night, -and reported to his captain in the morning that "He was abused by -a fellow because he would not allow him to pass." "Well," said the -captain, "what did you do?" "Do? why I remonstrated with him." "And to -what effect?" "Well, I don't know to what effect, but the barrel of my -gun is bent." - - -LATEST DOG STORY.--452. - -Two dogs fell to fighting in a saw-mill. In the course of the tustle -one dog went plump against a saw in rapid motion, which cut him in two -instanter. The hind legs ran away, but the fore legs continued the -fight, and whipped the other dog. - - -A NOTE BY THE EDITOR.--453. - -The editor of a Western paper owes a bank about 1000 dollars, for -which they hold his note. The defaulting wag announces it thus -in his paper:--"There is a large collection of the autographs of -distinguished individuals deposited for safe keeping in the cabinet of -the Farmers and Merchants' Bank, each accompanied with a 'note' in the -handwriting of the autographist. We learn that they have cost the bank -a great deal of money. They paid over a thousand dollars of ours. We -hope great care is taken to preserve those capital and _interest_-ing -relics, as, should they be lost, we doubt whether they could be easily -collected again. Should the bank, however, be so unfortunate as to -lose ours, we'll let them have another at half price, in consequence -of the very hard times." - - -DISCONSOLATE.--454. - -A disconsolate widower, seeing the remains of his late wife lowered -into the grave, exclaimed, with tears in his eyes, "Well, I've lost -hogs, and I've lost cows, but I never had anything that cut me up like -this." - - -INDUCEMENT UNNECESSARY.--455. - -They say that woman caused man to commit his first sin. But if she -hadn't induced him to sin in eating, no doubt he would very soon have -sinned of his own accord in drinking. - - -PRETENCE.--456. - -Pretend you know, and half the time, if it aint as good as knowin', -it will sarve the same purpose. Many a feller looks fat who is only -swelled, as the Germans say.--_Sam Slick._ - - -"OPEN THY CUPBOARD TO ME."--457. - - All lonely and drear is the street, love; - The "watch" is asleep on his "beat," love, - And I'm dying for something to eat, love; - So open thy cupboard to me. - - Get up from that warm feather bed, love, - And bake us a cone of "corn bread," love, - For I wish very much to be fed, love; - So open thy cupboard to me. - - Oh, hasten thy lover to cram, love, - With a slice of cold turkey or ham, love, - For deucedly hungry I am, love; - So open thy cupboard to me. - - The stars are beginning to "wink," love; - 'Tis the hour for "snacks" and for "drink," love. - You've a jug of old whisky, I think, love; - So open thy cupboard to me. - - The moon will be down before long, love, - And the "night-bird" is singing his song, love; - How plainly he says "mix it strong," love, - And open thy cupboard to me. - - My feet are all wet with the dew, love, - And there's nothing so nice as "hot stew," love: - Then get up and make it, pray do, love, - And open thy cupboard to me. - - The chickens are crowing for day, love, - And I must soon hurry away, love; - Then list to thy lover's last lay, love, - And open thy cupboard to me. - - -NATUR'S BALANCES.--458. - -Them that have more than their share of one thing, commonly have less -of another. Where there is great strength, there 'aint apt to be much -gumption. A handsome man, in a gineral way, 'aint much of a man. A -beautiful bird seldom sings. Them that have genius have seldom common -sense. A feller with one idea grows rich, while he who calls him a -fool dies poor. The world is like a baked meat pie; the upper crust is -rich, dry, and puffy; the lower crust is heavy, doughy, and underdone; -the middle is not bad generally, but the smallest part of all is that -which flavours the whole.--_Sam Slick._ - - -AN EPIGRAM ON PRESIDENT LINCOLN.--459. - -_By the Manes of the Murdered Murray._ - - Abe L. is an able President, - His mind has a mighty reach; - Search all our cities and marts, - You won't find a man with better parts, - Excepting his parts of speech! - - -AMERICAN SOIL--ITS NATURAL RICHNESS.--460. - -I took a handful of guano, that elixir of vegetation, and sowed a few -cucumber seeds in it. Well, sir, I was considerable tired when I had -done it, and so I just took a stretch for it under a great pine-tree, -and took a nap. Stranger! as true as I am talking to you this here -blessed minute, when I woke up, I was bound as tight as a sheep going -to market on a butcher's cart, and tied fast to a tree. I thought I -should never get out of that scrape; the cucumber vines had so grown -and twisted round, and wound me and my legs while I was asleep! -Fortunately, one arm was free, so I got out my jack knife, opened it -with my teeth, and cut myself out, and off for Victoria again, hot -foot. When I came into the town, says our captain to me, "Peabody, -what in natur is that ere great yaller thing that's a sticking out of -your pocket?" "Nothin'," sais I, looking as mazed as a puppy nine days -old, when he first opens his eyes, and takes his first stare. Well, I -put in my hand to feel, and I pulled out a great big ripe cucumber, a -foot long, that had ripened and gone to seed there.--_Sam Slick._ - - -JOHN AND THE WIDDAH.--461. - -It a'n't the feed--said the young man John--it's the old woman's looks -when a fellah lays it in too strong. The feed's well enough. After -geese have got tough, 'n' turkeys have got strong, 'n' lamb's got old, -'n' veal's pretty nigh beef, 'n' sparragrass's growin' tall 'n' slim, -'n' scattery about the head, 'n' peas are gettin' so big 'n' hard, -they'd be dangerous if you fired them out of a revolver, we get hold -of all them delicacies of the season. But it's too much like feedin' -on live folks, and devourin' widdah's substance, to lay yourself out -in the eatin' way, when a fellah's as hungry as the chap that said -a turkey was too much for one, 'n' not enough for two. I can't help -lookin' at the old woman. Corned-beef days she's tolerable calm; -roastin'-days she worries some, 'n' keeps a sharp eye on the chap -that carves. But when there's anything in the poultry line, it seems -to hurt her feelin's so to see the knife goin' into the breast, and -joints comin' to pieces, that ther's no comfort in eatin'. When I cut -up an old fowl, and help the boarders, I always feel as if I ought to -say, "Won't you have a slice of widdah?" instead of chicken.--_Oliver -Wendell Holmes._ - - -STRIKING RESEMBLANCE.--462. - -An American, speaking of his niggers, said: "Cæsar and Pompey are so -much alike that you can't tell the one from the other, _'specially -Pompey_." - - -UNDOUBTED COURAGE.--463. - -"Sambo, you nigger, are you afraid of work?" "Bress you, massa, I no -'fraid of work; I'll lie down and go asleep close by him side." - - -A SIMILE.--464. - -A jeweller in Philadelphia advertises that he has a number of precious -stones to dispose of, adding that they sparkle like the tears of a -young widow. - - -FIVE OUTS AND ONE IN.--465. - -A poor Yankee, upon being asked the nature of his distress, replied -that he had "five outs and one in:" to wit, "_out_ of money and _out_ -of clothes; _out_ at the heels and _out_ at the toes; _out_ of credit, -and _in_ debt." - - -SAM SLICK'S DESCRIPTION OF A TEETOTALLER.--466. - -I once travelled through all the States of Maine with one of them air -chaps. He was as thin as a whippin' post. His skin looked like a blown -bladder, after some of the air has leaked out--kinder wrinkled and -rumpled like; and his eye as dim as a lamp that's livin' on a short -allowance of ile. He put me in mind of a pair of kitchen tongs--all -legs, shaft, and head, and no belly; real gander-gutted lookin' -crittur; as holler as a bamboo walking-cane, and twice as yaller. He -actilly looked as if he had been picked off a raft at sea, and dragged -through a gimlet hole. - - -ECLIPSING HIMSELF.--467. - -A Virginian tavern keeper going down to his wine cellar, by mistake -went down his own throat. He did not discover the error he had -committed until the candle he carried was blown out by the first -inspiration he took. He described it as being very difficult to find -his way up again in the dark. - - -FAMILIAR ACQUAINTANCE.--468. - -An aboriginal American was asked if he had known the Bishop of Quebec? -"Yes, yes." "And how did you like him?" "Oh, vastly!" "But how did you -happen to know him?" "Happen to know him! _Why, I ate a piece of him._" - - -PRESIDENT LINCOLN'S FIRST POLITICAL SPEECH.--469. - -Abraham Lincoln made his first political speech in 1832, when he was a -candidate for the Illinois Legislature. His opponent had wearied the -audience by a long speech, leaving Mr. L. but a short time in which to -present his views. He condensed all he had to say into a few words, -as follows--"Gentlemen, Fellow-citizens: I presume you all know who I -am. I am humble Abraham Lincoln. I have been solicited by many friends -to become a candidate for the Legislature. My politics are short and -sweet, like an old woman's dance. I am in favour of a national bank. I -am in favour of the internal improvement system, and a high protective -tariff. These are my sentiments and political principles. If elected, -I shall be thankful; if not, it will be all the same." - - -TAKE CARE OF YOUR BAGGAGE.--470. - -Travellers should be careful to entrust their baggage to proper -persons only, as a gentleman, not long ago, on alighting from the -train at Washington, entrusted his wife to a stranger, and she has not -been heard of since. - - -AMERICAN COMPETITION.--471. - -It is in the nature of an American, says one, to be always in fear -lest his neighbour should arrive before him. If one hundred Americans -were about to be shot, they would fight for precedence, such are their -habits of competition. - - -AMERICAN DEFINITIONS.--472. - -_Progress of Time._--A pedler going through the land with wooden -clocks.--_Honesty_ (obsolete): A term formerly used in the case of a -man who had paid for his newspapers, and the coat on his back.--_Rigid -Justice_: A juror in a murder case fast asleep. - - -TWO THINGS UNEXPECTED.--473. - -Josh Billings says: "There air 2 things in this wurld for which we air -never fully prepared, and those air twins." - - -PERPETUAL MOTION.--474. - -A New York Paper advertises that the owner of the perpetual motion -lately exhibiting at Boston has absconded without paying the man who -turned the crank in the cellar. - - -ARTEMUS WARD ON REORGANIZATION.--475. - -Artemus Ward, in one of his letters, thus gives his idea of -reorganization:--"I never attempted to reorganize my wife but once. -I shall never attempt it again. I'd bin to a public dinner, and -had allowed myself to be betrayed into drinkin' several people's -health, and wishin' to make 'em as robust as possible, I continued -drinkin' their healths until my own became affected. Consekens was, I -presented myself at Betsy's bedside late at nite, with considerable -licker concealed about my person. I had somehow got perseschum of a -hosswhip on my way home, and rememberin' some cranky observashuns of -Mrs. Ward's in the morin', I snapt the whip putty lively, and in a -very loud voice I said, Betsy--I continued crackin' the whip over the -bed--I have come to reorganize you! I dreamed that nite that sumbody -laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril conseckootive times; and when I woke -up I found _she_ had. I haint drunk much of anythin' since, and if I -ever have another reorganizin' job on hand I shall let it out." - - -A RECEIPT IN FULL.--476. - -A German in New York being required to give a receipt in full, after -much mental effort produced the following:--"I ish full. I wants no -more money. John Swackhammer." Perhaps the sententious Tueton was full -of lager beer. - - -A SUDDEN DECLARATION.--477. - -A young gentleman happening to sit at church in a pew adjoining one -in which sat a young lady, for whom he conceived a sudden and violent -passion, was desirous of entering into a courtship on the spot, but -the place not suiting a formal declaration, the exigency of the case -suggested the following plan:--He politely handed his fair neighbour -a Bible open, with a pin stuck in the following text:--Second Epistle -of John, verse fifth--"And now I beseech thee lady, not as though I -wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the -beginning, that we love one another." She returned it pointing to -the second chapter of Ruth, verse tenth--"Then she fell on her face -and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him 'Why have I found -grace in thine eyes, seeing that I am a stranger?'" He returned the -book, pointing to the thirteenth verse of the Third Epistle of St. -John--"Having many things to write unto you, I would not write with -paper and ink, but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face, -that our joy may be full." From the above interview a marriage took -place the ensuing week. - - -A VOCATION.--478. - -"You're a loafer--a man without a calling," said a judge to a person -arrested as a vagrant. "I beg your pardon, your honour, I have a -vocation." "What is it?" "I smoke glass for eclipses, but just now it -is our dull season." - - -MAJOR DOWNING IN LONDON.--479. - -The Queen regretted that she could not invite me to stay to dinner, -cause 'twas washin' day in the palace, and they only had a pick-up -dinner. - - -ANY BETTER THAN NONE.--480. - -It may be said generally of husbands, as the old woman said of hers, -who had abused her to an old maid, who reproached her for being such a -fool as to marry him:--"To be sure, he's not so good a husband as he -should be, but he's a _powerful sight_ better than none." - - -A PRINTER'S TOAST.--481. - -At a printer's festival the following sentiment was offered:--"Woman, -second only to the press in the dissemination of news." - - -WASHINGTON IRVING.--482. - -Washington Irving's characteristic was quiet humour; mild enough, -but quaint; as when he said to a gentleman who, in a thunder-storm, -declined to take shelter under a tree, having promised to his father, -who had been once hit, never to do so: "Oh, that makes all the -difference in the world. If it is hereditary, and lightning runs in -the family, you are wise." - - -QUIZZING A WITNESS.--483. - -Chapman, a witty lawyer of Hartford, was busy with a case at which -a lady was present, with whom he had already something to do as a -witness. Her husband was present--a diminutive, meek, forbearing sort -of a man--who, in the language of Mr. Chapman, "looked like a rooster -just fished out of a swill barrel," while the lady was a large portly -woman, evidently the better horse. As on the former occasion, she -baulked on the cross-examination. The lawyer was pressing a question -urgently, when she said, with vindictive fire flashing from her eyes, -"Mr. Chapman, you needn't think to catch me; you tried that once -before!" Putting on his most quizzical expression, he replied, "Madam, -I haven't the slightest desire to catch you, and your husband looks as -if he was sorry he did." The husband faintly smiled assent. - - -A WITTY AIDE-DE-CAMP.--484. - -During the battle of Fredericksburg, the Confederate General Lee -observed one of his aides-de-camp, a very young man, shrink every now -and then, and by the motion of his body, seek to evade, if possible, -the shot. "Sir," said Lee, "what do you mean? Do you think you can -dodge the balls? Do you know that Napoleon lost about a hundred -aides-de-camp in one campaign?" "So I've read," replied the young -officer, "but I did not think you could spare so many." - - -NATURE AND ART.--485. - -A worthy English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the -Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His -eye caught up the names of its, to him, unknown dishes:--"Soupe à la -Flamande"--"Soupe à la Creci"--"Langue de Boeuf piquée"--"Pieds de -Cochon à la Ste. Ménéhould"--"Patés de sanglier"--"Patés à la gelée -de volailles"--"Les cannelons de crème glacée." It was too much for -his simple heart, and laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust, -he cried to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back to _first -principles_! Give us some beans and bacon!" - - -THE PRESIDENT AND THE MARSHAL.--486. - -A devoted admirer of honest old Abe makes a very severe conundrum upon -Marshal Kane. "What two characters in scripture remind us of a certain -President in Washington and a certain Marshal in Baltimore?" Give it -up, reader? Certainly! "Wicked Kane and righteous Abe L. (Abel)." -This, of course, is a delicate allusion to the sons of Adam, who must -have been Ameri-cains, since they went to fighting so soon about -nothing. - - -INSINUATING REJOINDER.--487. - -"Why don't you get married?" said a young lady to a bachelor -acquaintance who was on a visit. "I have been trying for the last ten -years to find some one who would be silly enough to take me, and have -not yet succeeded," was the reply. "Then you haven't been down our -way," was the insinuating rejoinder. - - -STYLING THE FIRM.--488. - -"John, my son," said a doting father, who was about taking him -into business, "what shall be the style of the new firm?"--"Well, -governor," said the youth, "I don't know--but suppose we have it -John H. Samplin and Father?" The old gentleman was struck with the -originality of the idea, but didn't adopt it. - - -A REMARKABLE CHAMBER-MAID.--489. - -A notice in an American newspaper of a steamboat explosion ended as -follows:--"The captain swam ashore; so did the chamber-maid. She was -insured for 15,000 dollars, and loaded with iron." - - -SAVING THE TRUTH.--490. - -"Do you mean to insinuate that I lie, sir?" exclaimed a -fierce-looking, mustachioed gentleman to a raw Yankee, who hinted some -slight scepticism as to one of his toughest statements. "No, mister, -not at all--only it kind o' strikes me that you are 'tarnal savin' of -truth." - - -NIGGER EXPLANATION.--491. - -"Where is the hoe, Sambo?"--"Wid de rake, massa."--"Well, where is the -rake?"--"Wid de hoe."--"But where are they both?"--"Why, bof togeder. -By golly, old massa, you 'pears to be berry 'ticular dis mornin'." - - -A JEW D'ESPRIT.--492. - -Mr. Noah, a Jew, was a candidate for the office of sheriff of the city -of New York, and it was objected to his election that a Jew would thus -come to have the hanging of Christians. "Pretty Christians, indeed," -remarked Noah, "to need hanging!" - - -CUFF'S CABIN.--493. - -A gentleman riding through Virginia was overtaken by a violent -thunder-storm. He took shelter in a negro's cabin, and found the water -streaming through many crevices in the roof. "Why don't you mend your -roof, Cuff?" he asked. "Oh, um rain so, maussa, 'can't," said the -negro. "But why don't you mend it when it doesn't rain?" asked the -gentleman. "Yah, maussa," said the negro, with a grin, "den um dohn -want mendin'." - - -SMALL WAISTS AND TIGHT LACING.--494. - -"MY dear girls," said the preacher, "I like to see a small -waist as well as anybody, and females with hour-glass shapes suit my -fancy better than your Dutch-churn, soap-barrel, slab-sided sort of -figures; but I don't want to give the credit to corsets."--_Dow's -Sermons._ - - -THACKERAY AND THE PIRATE'S DAUGHTER.--495. - -Shortly after his first landing in America, Thackeray was invited to -dinner by one of the Messrs. Harper, the well-known publishing firm, -whose magazine, _Harper's Monthly_, is a deliberate compilation from -all the best English periodicals. On his introduction to Mr. Harper, -Thackeray had joked with him on the American contempt for copyright; -and when he went into the drawing-room he took a little girl, whom -he found playing there, on his knee, and gazing at her with feigned -wonder, said in solemn tones, "And this is a pirate's daughter!" - - -GENERAL MEADE TO GENERAL LEE.--496. - -The following lines were found in a Confederate soldier's note-book, -on the camping-ground near Breckenridge's head-quarters, before -Washington, July 17, 1864:-- - - Quoth Meade to Lee-- - Can you tell me, - In the shortest style of writing, - When people will - Get their fill - Of this big job of fighting? - - Quoth Lee to Meade-- - Why, yes, indeed, - I'll tell you in a minute: - When legislators - And speculators - Are made to enter in it. - - -ADOPTING THE OTHER COURSE.--497. - -The following advertisement appears in a California paper:--"Wanted, -by a blackguard, employment of any kind, temporary or otherwise. The -advertiser having hitherto conducted himself as a gentleman, and -signally failed, of which his hopeless state of impecuniosity is the -best proof, is induced to adopt the other course, in the hope that -he may meet with better success. No objection to up country. Terms -moderate." - - -A WHALE AT PEAS.--498. - -The dinner was a capital one, and Judge Tips played an excellent knife -and fork. A dish of peas came round, the last of the marrowfats; the -latest peas of summer. I am very fond of peas, and was rejoiced to -see my favourites once again; and I anxiously awaited their arrival. -Miss Tips, Miss Julia Tips, and Tips _mère_, as the French would say, -had each taken a decorous spoonful from the flying dish, and now -the black waiter was offering the delicacy to Tips himself, enough -being left for five persons, at least. What was my horror to behold -the judge deliberately monopolize the whole--sweep, as I live, every -pea into his own plate--and then turning to me, with a greasy smile, -remark: "I guess, stranger, I'm a whale at peas." - - -A TEARFUL RESPONSE.--499. - -"Does the razor take hold well?" inquired a barber, who was shaving a -gentleman from the country. "Yes," replied the customer, with tears in -his eyes, "it takes hold first-rate, but it don't let go very easily." - - -A PRETENDED PELHAM.--500. - -A gentleman crossing one of the New York ferries was accosted by -one of those peripatetic vendors of cheap literature and weekly -newspapers, who are to be found in shoals about such public places, -with "Buy Bulwer's last work, sir? Only two shillin'." The gentleman, -willing to have a laugh with the urchin, said: "Why, I am Bulwer, -myself!" Off went the lad, and whispering to another at a distance, -excited his wonderment at the information he had to impart. Eyeing the -pretended author of "Pelham" with a kind of awe, he approached him -timidly, and, holding out a pamphlet, said, modestly: "Buy the 'Women -of England,' sir? You're not Mrs. Ellis, are you?" Of course, the -proposed sale was effected. - - -DINNER, BUT NO BREAKFAST.--501. - -A gentleman was stopping at the plantation of a friend in Georgia, -and for his benefit a social fishing party was got up to go to some -river, a few hours' drive in the country. The party made a very early -start in the morning, and it so happened that a venerable old "uncle" -of extreme African descent, who was selected to drive them out, missed -his breakfast in the hurry and bustle of departure. This disagreeable -circumstance rendered the old darky very crusty and melancholy during -the entire morning; but at early noon the party adjourned to a country -tavern on the river bank, and had a good dinner, and the old "general" -was not slow to seek some alimentary compensation for the loss of -his matin meal. It was taken for granted that the old gent's good -humour would be restored by the dinner, but it was soon noticed that -he continued to remain "blue" and sorrowful, and, being surprised -thereat, his master asked him why he was still so cross, since he had -had so good a dinner. The old darky replied: "Yes, massa, me know I'se -had me dinnah, but me habn't had no brekfuss yet, nohow." - - -THE LOAFER'S HAT.--502. - -"I say, John, where did you get that loafer's hat?" "Please your -honour," said John, "it's an old one of yours, that missus gave me -yesterday, when you were in town." - - -THE DEBT OF NATURE.--503. - -An impertinent editor in Alabama, says a paper, wants to know when we -"intend to pay 'the debt of Nature?'" We are inclined to think that -when Nature gets her dues from him it will be by an _execution_. - - -A BLACK BULL.--504. - -At a coloured ball the following notice was posted on the -door-post:--"Tickets, fifty cents. No gemmen admitted unless he comes -himself." - - -A NEW DISH.--505. - -Pete Johnson was a tall, green, raw-boned country negro, and knew -nothing of city life or polished society. Recently he became tired -of tilling the soil by the month, journeyed to the metropolis, and -let himself as a waiter on board a steamer which plies up and down -the Sound on the New York, Norwich, and Boston line. As is customary -with new waiters, in order to train them to ease, and give them the -necessary polish and experience, he was required at first to attend -the officers' tables exclusively. But one evening, after a few weeks' -service, there came a great rush of passengers, and, of course, the -supper-room was thronged. Pete was sent to the public tables for the -first time. He got along very well until a guest called for an omelet. -This was a new dish to the green waiter, but he thought he understood -the order correctly, and with his usual gravity, stepped up to the -kitchen door and cried out, "An almanac!" - - -THE LAST COMPLIMENT.--506. - -A story is told of a very polite sheriff and a very polite criminal. -"Sir," said the culprit, as the sheriff was carefully adjusting -the rope, "really your attention deserves my thanks; in fact, I do -not know anybody I should rather have hang me." "Really," said the -sheriff, "you are pleased to be complimentary. I do not know of -another individual it would give me so much pleasure to hang." - - -PRECEPT AND PRACTICE.--507. - -Dr. Channing had a brother a physician, and at one time they both -dwelt in Boston. A countryman was in search of the doctor. The -following dialogue ensued:--"Does Dr. Channing live here?"--"Yes, -sir." "Can I see him?"--"I am he." "Who, you?"--"Yes, sir." "You -must have altered considerably since I heard you preach."--"Heard me -preach?" "Certainly! you are the Dr. Channing that preaches, ain't -you?"--"Oh! I see you are mistaken now; 'tis my brother who preaches; -I'm the doctor who practises." - - -A FAIR RETORT.--508. - -Mr. Cobden, in one of his speeches, said that he once asked an -enthusiastic American lady why her country could not rest satisfied -with the immense unoccupied territories it already possesses, but -must ever be lusting after the lands of its neighbours. Her somewhat -remarkable reply was, "Oh! the propensity is a very bad one, I admit; -but we came honestly by it, for we inherited it from you." - - -DR. FRANKLIN.--509. - -The town of Franklin, in Massachusetts, was named in honour of -Benjamin Franklin, the printer philosopher. While in France, a -gentleman in Boston wrote to him of the fact, and added, that as the -town was building a meeting-house, perhaps he would give them a bell. -Franklin wrote the characteristic reply, that he presumed that the -good people of F. would prefer sense to sound, and therefore he would -give them a library. This he did, and the library is now in good -condition, and has been of great service to the intelligent people of -that pleasant town. - - -REASONABLE INSTINCT.--510. - -A dog, which had lost the whole of her interesting family, was seen -trying to poke a piece of crape through the handle of the door of one -of the sausage shops in this city. - - -DANIEL WEBSTER'S COURTSHIP.--511. - -The manner of Daniel Webster's engagement to Miss Fletcher is thus -pleasantly described by a letter writer:--"He was then a young lawyer. -At one of his visits to Miss Grace Fletcher he had, probably with a -view of utility and enjoyment, been holding skeins of silk thread -for her, when suddenly he stopped, saying, 'Grace, we have thus been -engaged in untying knots, let us see if we can tie a knot; one which -will not untie for a lifetime.' He then took a piece of tape, and -after beginning a knot of a peculiar kind gave it her to complete. -This was the ceremony and ratification of their engagement. And now -in the little box marked by him with the words 'precious documents,' -containing the letters of his early courtship, this unique memorial is -still to be found--the knot never untied." - - -PRESENTED AT COURT.--512. - -An American who had returned from Europe, told his friend that he had -been presented at the court there. "Did you see the Queen?" asked one. -"Well, no, I didn't see her zacly, but I seed one of her friends--a -judge. Yer see," he continued, "the court I was presented at happened -to be the Central Criminal Court." - - -CRITICAL.--513. - -A Western critic, in speaking of a new play, says:--"The unities are -admirably observed; the dulness, which commences with the first act, -never flags for a moment until the curtain falls." - - -HARD FEATHERS.--514. - -An American sitting on a very hard seat in a railway carriage, said, -"Wal, they tell me these here cushions air stuffed with feathers. -They may have put the feathers in 'em, but darn me if _I don't think -they've left the fowls in too_!" - - -SNORING IN CHURCH.--515. - -The _Boston Bee_ contains the following polite hint:--"Deacon ---- is -requested not to commence snoring in church to-morrow morning until -after the commencement of the sermon, as several of the congregation -are anxious to hear the text." - - -PROFESSOR EVERETT AND JUDGE STORY.--516. - -Professor Everett, once the American ambassador to this country, was -entertained at a public dinner before leaving Boston. Judge Story gave -as a sentiment--"Genius is sure to be welcome where Ever-ett goes." -Everett responded--"Law, Equity, and Jurisprudence: no efforts can -raise them above one Story." - - -LOVE-LETTER INK.--517. - -An ingenious down-easter, who has invented a new kind of "love-letter -ink," which he has been selling as a safeguard against all actions -for breach of promise of marriage, in so much as it entirely fades -from the paper in two months after date, was recently "done brown" by -a brother down-easter, who purchased a hundred boxes of the article, -and gave him his note for 90 days. At the expiration of the time, the -ink inventor called for payment, but, on unfolding the scrip, found -nothing but a blank piece of paper. The note had been written with his -own ink. - - -A ROUGH BEDFELLOW.--518. - -A man in Arkansas had been drinking until a late hour at night, and -then started for home in a state of sweet obliviousness. Upon reaching -his own premises he was too far gone to discover any door to the -domicile he was wont to inhabit, and, therefore, laid himself down in -a shed which was a favourite rendezvous for swine. They happened to -be out when the new comer arrived, but soon returned to their bed. The -weather being rather cold, they, in the utmost kindness, and with the -truest hospitality, gave their biped companion the middle of the bed, -some lying on either side of him, and others acting the part of quilt. -Their warmth prevented him from being injured by exposure. Towards -morning he awoke. Finding himself comfortable, in blissful ignorance -of his whereabouts, he supposed himself enjoying the accommodation of -a tavern, in company with other gentlemen. He reached out his hand, -and catching hold of the stiff bristles of an old hog, exclaimed: -"Hallo, my good friend, you've got a deuce of a beard! When did you -shave last?" - - -NEW, IF NOT TRUE.--519. - -In one of the Northern States of America, according to -veracious authority, the pious young women established -an association which they styled "The Young Women's -Anti-young-men-waiting-at-the-church-doors-with-ulterior-objects -Society." (We suppose this must be founded on the model of "The -Anti-poking-your-nose-into-other-people's-business Society," in -London.) - - -TRUE, IF NOT NEW.--520. - -A burnt child hates the fire, but a man who has been singed by Cupid's -torch always has a sneaking kindness for the old flame. - - -CURING TWO AFFLICTIONS.--521. - -An American secretary of state had two afflictions--an obliging -doorkeeper and a pertinacious office-hunter. Day after day the -latter called, and the former was too polite to shut him out. The -secretary, when he could stand the nuisance no longer, said to the -doorkeeper: "Do you know what that man comes after?" "Yes," replied -the functionary, "an office, I suppose." "True, but do you know what -office?" "No." "Well, then, I'll tell you; he wants your office." The -bore was admitted no more. - - -PLAIN SPOKEN.--522. - -"Facts are stubborn things," said a lawyer to a female witness under -examination. The lady replied: "Yes, _sir-ee_, and so are women; -and if you get anything out of me just let me know it."--"You'll be -committed for contempt."--"Very well; I'll suffer justly, for I feel -the utmost contempt for every lawyer present." - - -POPPING THE QUESTION.--523. - -A bachelor, too poor to get married, yet too susceptible to let -the girls alone, was riding with a lady "all of a summer's day," -and accidentally--(men's arms, awkward things, are ever in the -way!)--dropped an arm round her waist. No objection was made for a -while, and the arm gradually relieved the side of the carriage of the -pressure upon it. But of a sudden, whether from a late recognition of -the impropriety of the thing, or the sight of another beau coming, -never was known, the lady started with volcanic energy, and with a -flashing eye exclaimed: "Mr. B., I can support myself!"--"Capital," -was the instant reply, "you are just the girl I have been looking for -these five years--will you marry me?" - - -A GEM.--524. - -At a lecture of Bayard Taylor's a lady wished for a seat, when a -portly, handsome gentleman brought one, and seated her. "Oh, you're a -jewel," said she. "Oh, no," he replied, "I'm a jeweller--I have just -_set_ the jewel!" - - -THINGS I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE.--525. - -A fashionable bootmaker who was not "from Paris." - -A gentleman who was not a self-constituted inspector of ladies' -bonnet-linings. - -A male pedestrian divorced from his cane who knew what to do with his -hands. - -A man who could hold an umbrella properly over a lady's bonnet; or put -on her cloak, or shawl, without crushing her bonnet, or hair; or diet -himself when he was ailing; or take physic that did not "taste good;" -or be good-natured when he was sick, or had cut his chin in shaving, -or had to wait ten minutes for his dinner or breakfast; or who was -ever "refused" by a lady. - -A bachelor whose carpet did not wear out _first_ in front of the -looking-glass. - -A male author who could successfully counterfeit a feminine letter. - -An editor, or author, who did not feel nervous at the idea of -examining trunk-linings and parcel wrappers. - -A handsome child who did not grow up to be homely. - -A woman who was not _at heart_ inimical to her own sex. - -A married man who could give the right hand of fellowship to a wife's -old lover; or take a hint from the toe of her slipper, under the -table, before company. - -A milliner who could be bribed to make a bonnet to cover the head. - -A dressmaker who did not consider a "perfect fit" to consist in an -armour of whalebone and a breathless squeeze. - -A husband's relatives who could speak well of his wife. - -A doctor who had not more patients than he could attend to. - -A washerwoman who ever lost an article of clothing. - -A public speaker who did not search for the lost thread of his -discourse in the convenient tumbler of water at his elbow. - -A woman who would not feign to be "so fond of cigar-smoke," rather -than exile the smoker. - -An old maid who was not so from choice. - - FANNY FERN. - - -QUESTION FOR QUESTION.--526. - -Franklin was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of -atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by -another, "What is the _use_ of a new-born infant?" - - -THE YANKEE.--527. - - "No matter where his home may be-- - What flag may be unfurl'd! - He'll manage by some _cute_ device, - To _whittle_ through the world." - - --_Miss Allin's "Home Ballads."_ - - -TRUE POLITENESS.--528. - -Sir W. G., when Governor of Williamsburgh, returned the salute of -a negro who was passing. "Sir," said a gentleman, present, "do you -descend to salute a slave?" "Why, yes," replied the Governor, "I -cannot suffer a man of his condition to _exceed_ me in _good manners_." - - -A "DISTANT" FRIEND.--529. - -Meeting a negro on the road, a traveller said: "You have lost some -of your friends, I see?" "Yes, massa." "Was it a _near_ or distant -relative?" "Well, purty distant--_'bout twenty-four mile_," was the -reply. - - -JONATHAN OF ALL TRADES.--530. - -The editor of the _Boston Daily Star_, in relinquishing his charge, -gave the following notice:--"Any one wishing corn hoed, gardens -weeded, wood sawed, coal pitched in, paragraphs written, or small -jobs done with despatch, and on reasonable terms, will please make -immediate application to the retiring editor." - - -MUCH VIRTUE IN AN "IF."--531. - -"If you can only get kit rid of them little failings" (blindness and -deafness), said one Yankee to another, "you'll find him all sorts of a -horse." - - -THE SCHOOLMASTER ABROAD.--532. - -A Californian gold-digger, having become rich, desired a friend to -procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received -a letter of thanks thus worded:--"I am obliged to you for the pains -of your selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about -Paradise, by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a -Mr. Shakespeare. _If these gentlemen should write and publish anything -more, be sure and send me their new works._" - - -ANSWERING AN ADVERTISEMENT.--533. - -A merchant advertising for a clerk, "who could bear confinement," -received an answer from one who had been ten years in the State prison! - - -THE LOVERS' LEAP.--534. - -Mr. Dickens tells an American story of a young lady who, being -intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and -marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the -five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young -lady, she plunged into the sea head foremost. Four of the lovers -immediately jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers -were out again, she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them -now, they are so wet?" "Take the _dry one_." And the young lady did, -and married him. - - -COMPLIMENTARY.--535. - -She was all sorts of a gal--there warn't a sprinklin' too much of her; -she had an eye that would make a fellow's heart try to get out of his -bosom; her step was as light as a panther's, and her breath sweet as a -prairie flower. - - -CUTTING.--536. - -General Lee one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a -handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before -a glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in -creation." "Why, General?" "Because," replied Lee, "you are in love -with _yourself_, and you have not a _rival_ upon earth." - - -THE DARKIE'S WISH.--537. - - I wish de legislatur would set dis darkie free, - Oh! what a happy place den de darkie land would be - We'd have a darkie parliament, - An' darkie codes of law, - An' darkie judges on de bench, - Darkie barristers and aw. - - -POOR PREACHING AND POOR PAY.--538. - -"John, what do you do for a living?"--"Oh, me preach."--"Preach, and -do you get paid for it?"--"Sometimes me get a shilling, sometimes two -shillings."--"And isn't that mighty poor pay?"--"Oh, yes, but it's -mighty poor preaching." - - -A TRUMP CARD.--539. - -There was a very large family of Cards wunst at Slickville. They -were mostly in the stage-coach and livery-stable line, and careless, -reckless sort of people. So one day Squire Zenas Card had a -christenin' at his house. Says the minister, "What shall I call the -child?"--"Pontius Pilate," said he.--"I can't," said the minister, -"and I won't. No soul ever heard of such a name for a Christian since -baptism came in fashion."--"I am sorry for that," said the squire, -"for it's a mighty pretty name. I heard it once in church, and I -thought if ever I had a son I'd call him after him; but if I can't -have that--and it's a dreadful pity--call him Trump;" and he was -christened "Trump Card."--_Sam Slick._ - - -TIMELY WARNING.--540. - -A Yankee editor thus confesses to have had dealings with Satan, for -the good of his readers, of course:--I was sitting in my study, when -I heard a knock at the door. "Come in," said I; when the door opened, -and who should walk in but--Satan! "How d'ye do?" said he.--"Pretty -well," said I.--"What are you about? preparing your leader?"--"Yes," -said I.--"Ah! I dare say you think you are doing a great deal of -good?"--"Well," said I, "not so much as I could wish; but a little -good, I hope."--"You have a large lot of readers," said he.--"Well, -pretty well for that," said I.--"And I dare say you are very proud of -them," said Satan.--"No," said I, "that I am not, for not one-third of -them pay for their papers!"--"You don't say so!" said he.--"Yes, that -I do," said I; "not one-third of them pay for their papers!"--"Well," -said he, "then they are an immoral lot; but let me have the list, I -think I can do a trifle myself with such people." - - -HABITUAL THIRST.--541. - -A soldier on trial for habitual drunkenness was addressed by the -president--"Prisoner, you have heard the prosecution for habitual -drunkenness, what have you to say in defence?" "Nothing, please your -honour, but habitual thirst." - - -STONING STEPHEN.--542. - -The _Buffalo Democracy_ narrates this story of one of the miniature -men, vulgarly called children:--"A teacher in a Sunday-school -in R---- was examining a class of little boys from a Scripture -catechism. The first question was, 'Who stoned Stephen?'--_Answer_: -'The Jews.'--Second question: 'Where did they stone him?'--'Beyond -the limits of the city.'--The third question: 'Why did they take -him beyond the limits of the city?' was not in the book, and proved -a poser to the whole class; it passed from head to foot without -an answer being attempted. At length a little fellow who had been -scratching his head all the while looked up, and said, 'Well, I don't -know, unless it was to get _a fair fling at him_!'" - - -VIRGINIAN ELOQUENCE.--543. - -Mr. Wise, of Virginia, in a late speech, is reported to have said -respecting that State, "She has an iron chain of mountains running -through her centre, which God has placed there to milk the clouds, -and be the source of her silver rivers." The _Rochester American_ -remarks--"The figure is borrowed from the New York milkmen, who milk -the clouds as much as they do their cows, and draw from the former the -most palatable and healthful portion of the compound fluid." - - -YANKEE FACTORY GIRLS.--544. - -In one of the factories in Maine the proprietor recently reduced the -wages, whereupon there was a general determination to "strike;" and -as the girls were obliged to give a month's notice before quitting -work, they have meanwhile issued a circular to the world at large, in -which is the following interesting paragraph:--"We are now working -out our notice, and shall soon be without employment; can turn our -hands to 'most anything; don't like to be idle--but determined not -to work for nothing when folks can afford to pay. Who wants help? We -can make bonnets, dresses, puddings, pies, and cakes, patch, darn, -and knit, roast, stew, and fry; make butter and cheese, milk cows and -feed chickens, and hoe corn; sweep out the kitchen, put the parlour to -rights, make beds, split wood, kindle fires, wash and iron, besides -being remarkably fond of babies; in fact, can do anything the most -accomplished housewife is capable of--not forgetting the scoldings -on Mondays and Saturdays. For specimens of spirit we refer you to -our overseer. Speak quick. Black eyes, fair foreheads, clustering -locks, beautiful as a Hebe, can sing like a seraph, and smile most -bewitchingly. An elderly gentleman in want of a housekeeper, or a nice -young man in want of a wife--willing to sustain any character; in -fact, we are in the market. Who bids? Going--going--gone! Who's the -lucky man?" - - -FALLING IN LOVE.--545. - -If you want a son not to fall in love with any splenderiferous gal, -praise her up to the skies, call her an angel, say she is a whole team -and horse to spare, and all that. The moment the crittur sees her he -is a little grain disappointed, and says, "Well, she is handsome, -that's a fact; but she is not so very, very everlastin' after all." -Nothin' damages a gal, a preacher, or a lake, like overpraise. A hoss -is one of the onliest things in natur' that is helpet by it.--_Sam -Slick._ - - -DULL MEMBERS.--546. - -"I rise for information," said one of the dullest of the members -of the American Legislature.--"I am very glad to hear it," said -one, who was leaning over the bar; "for no man wants it more than -yourself." Another member rose to speak on the bill to abolish capital -punishments, and commenced by saying, "Mr. Speaker, the generality -of mankind in general are disposed to exercise oppression on the -generality of mankind in general." "You had better stop," said one, -who was sitting near enough to pull him by the coat-tail; "you had -better stop, you are coming out of the same hole you went in at." - - -HEADY.--547. - -A New York paper says that a man the morning after he has been drunk -with wine feels as though he had the rheumatism in every hair of his -head. - - -SAM SLICK'S GEOLOGY.--548. - -The clockmaker says: "I never heard of secondary formations without -pleasure, that's a fact. The ladies, you know, are the secondary -formations, for they were formed after man." - - -POLITICS.--549. - -Politics is nothing more nor less than a race for a prize, a game for -the stakes, a battle for the spoils.--_Dow's Sermons._ - - -GOOD EYESIGHT.--550. - -A man down East, describing the prevalence of duelling, summed up -with: "They even fight with daggers in a room _pitch dark_." "Is it -possible?" was the reply. "_Possible_, sir!" returned the Yankee, -"_why I've seen them_." - - -A KNOWING CONTRABAND.--551. - -"Bob," now called Belmont Bob, is the body servant of General -Clernard, and at the battle of Belmont it is said of him that when -the retreat commenced he started for the boats. Reaching the banks, -he dismounted, and slid rapidly down, when an officer, seeing the -action, called out: "Stop, you rascal, and bring along the horse." -Merely looking up as he waded to the plank through the mud, the darky -replied: "Can't 'bey, colonel; major told me to save the most valuable -property, and dis nigger's worf mor'n a horse." - - -GENERAL GRANT.--552. - -When the North American General Grant was about twelve years old, his -father sent him a few miles into the country to buy a horse from a man -named Ralston. The old man told his son to offer Ralston 50 dollars -at first; if he wouldn't take that, to offer 55 dollars, and to go as -high as 60 dollars, if no less would make the purchase. The embryotic -major-general started off with these instructions fully impressed -upon his mind. He called upon Mr. Ralston, and told him he wished to -buy the horse. "How much did your father tell you to give for him?" -was the very natural inquiry from the owner of the steed. "Why," said -young Grant, "he told me to offer you 50 dollars, and if that wouldn't -do to give you 55 dollars, and if you wouldn't take less than 60 -dollars to give you that." Of course, 60 dollars was the lowest figure -at which the horse could be parted with. - - -SNIP.--553. - -A tailor from Nantucket exclaimed, on first beholding the Falls of -Niagara, "What an almighty fine place to sponge a coat in!" - - -BACKWOODS CONVERSATION.--554. - -What is the land? Bogs.--The atmosphere? Fogs.--What did you live on? -Hogs.--What were your draught animals? Dogs.--Any fish in the ponds? -Frogs.--What did you find the women? Clogs.--What map did you travel -by? Mogg's. - - -NO VICES.--555. - -Some one was smoking in the presence of the President, and -complimented him on having no vices, neither drinking nor smoking. -"That is a doubtful compliment," answered the President; "I recollect -once being outside a stage in Illinois, and a man sitting by me -offered me a cigar. I told him I had no vices. He said nothing; smoked -for some time; and then grunted out, 'It's my experience that folks -who have no vices have plaguey few virtues.'" - - -"FIRE AT THE CRISIS."--556. - -During one of the battles on the Mississippi, between General Grant's -forces and General Pillow's soldiers, the latter officer called out to -a Capt. Duncan, in his usual pompous, solemn manner: "Captain Duncan, -fire! the crisis has come." Duncan, without saying a word, turned to -his men, who were standing by their guns already shotted and primed, -and simply called out, "Fire!" The men were slightly surprised at -the order, there being no particular object within range, when an old -grey-headed Irish sergeant stepped up with "Plaze, yer honour, what -shall we fire at?" "Fire at the crisis," said Duncan. "Didn't you hear -the general say it had come?" - - -A SHREWD NIGGER.--557. - -"Why don't you enlist, Ginger?" asked a white patriot of a negro. -"Wal, mas'r," replied the contraband, "did yever see two dogs fightin' -for a bone?" "Certainly, Ginger." "Wal, did yever see de bone fight?" -"Not I." "Wal, mas'r, you'se both a fightin', and Ginger's de bone, -an' he's not gwine to fight in this hyar difficulmty." - - -AN AMERICAN "HELP."--558. - -The following amusing description of an American servant we extract -from a letter from New York:--An American "help" is no menial. She is -spoken of, not satirically, but in simple good faith, as "the young -lady" who "picks up" the house and "fixes" the dinner-table. Before -she agrees to enter a family she cross-examines her mistress as to -whether the house is provided with Hecker's flour, and Berbe's range; -brass pails; oil-cloth on the stairs; and hot and cold water laid on. -Then she states the domestic "platform" on which she is prepared to -act. "Monday I bakes; and nobody speaks to me. Tuesday I washes; I'se -to be let alone. Wednesday I irons; you'd best let me be that day. -Thursday I picks up the house; I'm awful ugly that day in temper, but -affectionate. Friday I bakes again. Saturday my beau comes. And Sunday -I has to myself." The "help," I repeat, is a young lady. She attends -lectures, and may some day become a member of a Woman's Rights' -Convention; and it is because she is a young lady, and the persons -who require her assistance do not choose to run the risk of being -driven raving mad by her perversity and her impertinence, that so many -married couples in the United States never venture on housekeeping for -themselves, but live from year's end to year's end in uproarious and -comfortless hotels. - - -GERMAN WINES.--559. - -The _Philadelphia Gazette_ assures its readers that some of the German -wines are as sour as vinegar, and as rough as a file. It is remarked -of the wines of Stuttgard, says this authority, that one is like a cat -scampering down your throat headforemost, and another is like drawing -the same cat back again by its tail. - - -THE GENERAL NO PATTERN.--560. - -A private one day lumbered into the presence of General Thomas and -asked for furlough, adding: "General, I wish to go home to see my -wife." "How long is it since you have seen your wife?" inquired the -General. "Why," answered the soldier, "I have not seen my wife for -over three months." "Three months!" remarked General Thomas, "why, -I haven't seen my wife for over three years!" "Well, that may be," -rejoined the other, "but you see, General, me and my wife ain't of -that sort." The private got his furlough after that rub. - - -IT FOLLOWS.--561. - -A Yankee pedlar with his cart, overtaking another of his class on -the road, was thus addressed: "Hallo, what do you carry?" "Drugs and -medicines," was the reply. "Good," returned the other, "you may go -ahead; I carry grave-stones." - - -JOSHUA BILLINGS ON HORSES.--562. - -Pedigree iz not important for a fast-trotten' hoss; if he kan trot -fast, never mind the pedigree. Thare iz a grate menny fast men even -who ain't got no pedigree. Thare ain't much art in drivin' a trotten' -hoss; just hold him back hard, and holler him ahead hard, that's awl. -A hoss will trot the fastest down hill, espeshili if the birchin -brakes. Kuller is no kriterior. I have seen awful mean hosses of all -kullers, except green. I never seed a mean one of this kuller. Hosses -live tew an honorabil old age. I often seen them that appeared fully -prepared for deth. Heathens are awlus kind to hosses; it is among -Christian people that a hoss haz to trot three mile heats in a hot -day, for 25,900 dollars counterfeit munny. - - -AMERICAN CURIOSITY.--563. - -"You're from down East, I guess?" said a sharp, nasal voice behind -me. This was a supposition first made in the Portland cars, when I -was at a loss to know what distinguishing and palpable peculiarity -marked me as a "down-easter." Better informed now, I replied, "I -am."--"Going West?" "Yes."--"Travelling alone?" "No."--"Was you raised -down East?" "No, in the Old Country."--"In the little old island? -Well, you're kinder glad to leave it, I guess? Are you a widow?" -"No."--"Are you travelling on business?" "No."--"What business do you -follow?" "None."--"Well, now, what are you travelling for?" "Health -and pleasure."--"Well, now, I guess you're pretty considerable rich. -Coming to settle out West, I suppose?" "No, I'm going back at the end -of the fall."--"Well, now, if that's not a pretty tough hickory-nut! I -guess you Britishers are the queerest critturs as ever was raised!" - - -YANKEE INQUISITIVENESS.--564. - -One of the last stories of Yankee inquisitiveness makes the victim -give his tormentor a direct cut, in telling him he wished to be asked -no further questions. The inquisitor fell back a moment to take -breath, and change his tactics. The half-suppressed smile on the -faces of the other passengers soon aroused him to further exertions; -and, summoning up more resolution, he then began again. "Stranger, -perhaps you are not aware how mighty hard it is for a Yankee to -control his curiosity. You'll please excuse me, but I really would -like to know your name and residence, and the business you follow. -I expect you ain't ashamed of either of 'em, so now won't you just -obleedge me?" This appeal brought out the traveller, who, rising up -to the extremest height allowed by the coach, and throwing back his -shoulders, replied: "My name is General Andrew Washington. I reside in -the State of Mississipi. I am a gentleman of leisure, and, I am glad -to be able to say, of extensive means. I have heard much of New York, -and I am on my way to see it; and, if I like it as well as I am led to -expect, _I intend to--buy it_." Then was heard a shout of stentorian -laughter throughout the stage-coach, and this was the last of that -conversation. - - -THE AMENDE HONOURABLE.--565. - -A Pennsylvania paper contains the subjoined _amende honourable_, -which ought to satisfy any reasonable being:--"AMENDE -HONOURABLE:--We yesterday spoke of Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut -Street Theatre, as a 'thing.' Mr. H. having complained of our remark, -we willingly retract, and here state that Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut -Street Theatre, is _no-thing_." - - -YANKEE PORTRAIT OF JOHN BULL.--566. - -An American writer says: "John Bull is altogether too superfluous and -clumsy; his proportions want regulating; his belly is too protuberant; -his neck too thick; his feet too spreading; his hands too large and -podgy; his lips too spongy and everted; his cheeks too pendulous; his -nose too lobular, blunt, and bottle-like; his expression altogether -too beef-eating. In a word, according to our taste, John Bull won't -do, and must be done over again. The American is an Englishman -without his caution, his reserve, his fixed habits, his cant, and his -stolidity." - - -A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.--567. - -A St. Louis paper informs its readers that the anthracite coal, found -lately in Missouri, looks like coal, feels like coal, and smells like -coal; all the difference is that coal burns, and that will not. - - -HALF GUILTY.--568. - -A man was on trial for _entering_ a house in Philadelphia in the night -time, with intent to steal. The testimony was clear that he had made -an opening sufficiently large to admit the upper part of his body, and -through which he protruded himself about half way, and, stretching -out his arm, committed the theft. Mr. Obfusticate Brief addressed the -jury. "What an outrage (looking horrified, and with outstretched and -trembling arms)! I repeat, what an outrage upon your common sense it -is for the State's Attorney to ask at your hands the conviction of my -client on such testimony! The law is against _entering_ a house, and -can a man be said to _enter_ a house when only _one-half_ of his body -is _in_, and the other half _out_?" The jury brought in a verdict of -"guilty," as to one-half of his body, from his waist up, and "not -guilty" as to the other half! The judge sentenced the guilty half to -one year's imprisonment, leaving it to the prisoner's option to have -the innocent half cut off, or to take it along with him. - - -THE OTHER IMPEDIMENT.--569. - -A handsome young pedlar made love to a buxom widow in Pennsylvania. -He accompanied his declaration with an allusion to two impediments -to their union. "Name them," said the widow. "The want of means to -set up a retail store." They parted, and the widow sent the pedler a -cheque for ample means. When they met again the pedler had hired and -stocked his store, and the smiling fair one begged to know the other -impediment. "_I have a wife already._" - - -WONDERFUL, IF TRUE.--570. - -A Western hunter and his brother spent a year in and about the Rocky -Mountains. They had two rifles, one bullet, and one keg of powder. -With these, he says, they killed on an average 27 head of buffaloes -a day. The fact that they did all this with one bullet led to the -following cross question:--"How did you kill all these buffaloes with -only one bullet?" "Listen, and I'll explain," said the hunter. "We -shot a buffalo; I stood on one side, and my brother on the other. -Brother fired; the ball passed into the barrel of my rifle. The next -time, I fired, and brother caught my ball in his rifle. We kept up the -hunt for twelve months, killing nearly 200 buffaloes per week, and yet -brought home the same ball we started with." - - -JONATHAN'S GUESS.--571. - -A "notion seller" was offering Yankee clocks highly varnished and -coloured, and with a looking-glass in front, to a certain lady not -remarkable for personal beauty. "Why, it's beautiful," said the -vendor. "Beautiful, indeed! a look at it almost frightens me!" said -the lady. "Then, marm," replied Jonathan, "I guess you'd better buy -one that han't got no looking-glass." - - -SURE OF IT.--572. - -A coloured individual in New York, who was hit on the side of his head -by a rotten tomato which a mischievous boy threw at him, placed his -hand on the spot, and finding some red liquid upon it that he supposed -was blood, dropped upon the pathway, and exclaimed in the anguish of -his heart, "I'se a dead nigger dis time, sure!" - - -PICTURE-DEALING.--573. - -A Boston paper contains this advertisement:--"A great bargain. To -all who may enclose one dollar I will send, post paid, a finely-cut -engraved portrait of George Washington, the Father of his Country, -together with an elegant portrait of Benjamin Franklin. Either -separately at four shillings. Address, H. C. C., ---- Street, -Boston." The fellow actually sent back a three-cent and a one-cent -postage-stamp, ornamented with the finely-engraved heads! - - -STRETCH OF IMAGINATION.--574. - -Ike Johnstone was down to de ingia-rubber store last week, and he -asked me to talk wid de man behind de counter, while he could steal -a pair ob suspenders. So he took hold ob a pair by de end and stowed -dem away down in his pocket, and went out widout unhooken em from de -nail dey was hangin' on; and when he got home he was showin' em to de -old woman, and as he was passin' em ober to her, dey slipp'd fro his -fingers, and flew back to de store wid such force dat dey busted in de -sash, killed de clerk, and knocked all de money out ob de draw. - - -ADVICE TO DOCTORS.--575. - -Have you heard of the Bowery boy who, being cut short in a hard -life by a sore disease which quickly brought him to death's door, -was informed by his physician that medicine could do nothing for -him. "What's my chances, doctor?"--"Not worth speaking of." "One in -twenty?"--"Oh, no." "In thirty?"--"No." "Fifty?"--"I think not." "A -hundred?"--"Well, perhaps there may be one in a hundred." "I say, -then, doctor," pulling him close down, and whispering with feeble -earnestness in his ear, "jest go in like all thunder on that one -chance." The doctor "went in," and the patient recovered. - - -SETTING THE TIME.--576. - -A close-fisted old farmer had a likely daughter, whose opening charms -attracted the attention of a certain young man. After some little -manoeuvring, he ventured to open a courtship. On the first night of -his appearance in the parlour, the old man, after dozing in his chair -until nine o'clock, arose, and putting a log of wood on the fire, said -as he left the room, "There, Nancy, when that log of wood burns out it -is time for James to go home." - - -REMARKABLY SOCIABLE.--577. - -Governor Powell, of Kentucky, was once a great favourite. He never -was an orator, but his conversational, story-telling, and social -qualities were remarkable. His great forte lay in establishing a -personal intimacy with every one he met, and in this he was powerful -in electioneering. He chewed immense quantities of tobacco, but never -carried the weed himself, and was always begging it from every one -he met. His residence was in Henderson, and in coming up the Ohio, -past that place, I overheard the following characteristic anecdote -of Lazarus:--A citizen of Henderson coming on board, fell into -conversation with a passenger, who made some inquiries about Powell. -"Lives in your place, I believe, don't he?"--"Yes; one of our oldest -citizens." "Very sociable man, ain't he?"--"Remarkably so." "Well, I -thought so. I think he is one of the most sociable men I ever met in -all my life. Wonderfully sociable! I was introduced to him over at -Grayson Springs, last summer, and he hadn't been with me ten minutes -when he begged all the tobacco I had, got his feet up in my lap, and -spit all over me! Re-mark-a-bly sociable!" - - -THE HOUSE THAT JEFF. BUILT.--578. - -The _Hartford Post_ says:-- - -The following history of the celebrated edifice erected by J. Davis, -Esq., is authentic. It was written for the purpose of giving infant -politicians a clear, concise, and truthful description of the -habitation, and the fortunes, and misfortunes, and doings of the -inmates:-- - -I. THE SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY.--That is the house that Jeff. -built. - -II. THE ETHIOPIAN.--This is the malt that lay in the house -that Jeff. built. - -III. THE UNDERGROUND RAILROAD.--This is the rat that eat the -malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built. - -IV. THE FUGITIVE SLAVE LAW.--This is the cat that killed the -rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built. - -V. THE PERSONAL LIBERTY BILL.--This is the dog that worried -the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house -that Jeff. built. - -VI. CHIEF JUSTICE TANEY.--This is the cow with crumpled horn -that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat -the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built. - -VII. JAMES BUCHANAN.--This is the maiden all forlorn that -milked the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the -cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that -Jeff. built. - -VIII. C. CESH.--This is the man all tattered and torn that -married the maiden all forlorn that milked the cow with crumpled horn -that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat -the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built. - -IX. PLUNDER.--This is the priest all shaven and shorn that -married the man all tattered and torn to the maiden all forlorn that -milked the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the -cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that -Jeff. built. - - -PUZZLED.--579. - -At the Sutter House, Sacramento, a New Yorker, newly arrived, was -lamenting his condition, and his folly in leaving an abundance at -home, and especially two beautiful daughters, who were just budding -into womanhood, when he asked the other if he had a family. "Yes, -Sir, I have a wife and six children in New York, and I never saw one -of them." After this reply, the couple sat a few minutes in silence, -and then the interrogator again commenced. "Were you ever blind, -Sir?"--"No, Sir." "Did you marry a widow, Sir?"--"No, Sir." Another -lapse of silence. "Did I understand you to say, Sir, that you had a -wife and six children living in New York, and had never seen one of -them?"--"Yes, Sir, I so stated it." Another and a longer pause of -silence. The interrogator again enquired--"How can it be, Sir, that -you never saw one of them?" "Why," was the response, "_one_ of them -was born after I left." "Oh, ah!" and a general laugh followed. After -that, the first New Yorker was especially distinguished as the man who -has six children and never saw one of them. - - -THE PAPER COLLARS.--580. - -It is said the Southerns captured at Mansfield two waggons loaded -with paper collars, and that General Dick Taylor returned the collars -through a flag of truce, with a letter to General Banks, in which the -facetious rebel said:--"I have boiled, baked, and stewed these things, -and can do nothing with them. We cannot eat them. They are a luxury -for which we have no use, and I would like, therefore, to exchange -them for a like quantity of hard tack." The joke is a good one, and -has convulsed the Western boys, who have no great admiration for the -"Liberator of Louisiana." When the Western troops passed General -Banks's head-quarters, coming into Alexandria, they groaned, jeered, -and called aloud, "How about those paper collars?" - - -CAUSE AND EFFECT.--581. - -Many of the United States papers give with every death they announce -the name of the physician who attended the defunct. The following -specimen, from a New Orleans journal, will show the business-like -manner in which the matter is gone about:--"Died, at his house in -Cotton Street, Jonathan Smith, storekeeper. He was a well-doing -citizen, and deservedly respected. His wife carries on the store. -Gregson physician." The name of the doctor renders the affair complete. - - -PROFIT AND LOSS.--582. - -The keeper of a groggery in New York happened one day to break one -of his tumblers. He stood for a moment looking at the fragments, -reflecting on his loss; and then turning to his assistant, he cried -out, "Tom, put a quart of water into that old Cognac." - - -THE "NAYGERS."--583. - -When the question of the enlistment of the negroes in the Northern -army was first mooted, the following song made its appearance, and -became very popular. It is supposed to be written by one Miles -O'Reilly, a private soldier in the Army of the Potomac. Miles is -altogether an imaginary personage, and is represented by his clever -inventors as the typical Hibernian soldier of the war. The song is -sung to the Irish air of the "Low-backed Car":-- - - "Some tell us 'tis a burning shame - To make the naygers fight, - And that the thrade of being kilt - Belongs but to the white; - But as for me, upon my sowl-- - So liberal are we here-- - I'll let Sambo be murther'd instead of myself - On every day in the year. - On every day in the year, boys, - And in every hour of the day, - The right to be killt I'll divide wid him, - And divil a word I'll say. - - "In battle's wild commotion - I shouldn't at all object - If Sambo's body should stop a ball - That was coming for me direct. - And the prod of a Southern bagnet-- - So generous are we here-- - I'll resign, and let Sambo take it - On every day in the year. - So hear me, all boys, darlins, - Don't think I'm tippin' you chaff, - The right to be killt we'll divide wid him, - And give him the largest half." - - -PICKLED ELEPHANT.--584. - -Old Rowe kept a hotel in the northern part of York State, which -he boasted was the best in those parts; where, as he used to say, -you could get anything that was ever made to eat. One day in came -a Yankee. He sent his horse round to the stable, and stepping up -to the bar, asked old Rowe what he could give him for dinner. -"Anything, Sir," said old Rowe; "anything from a pickled elephant -to a canary-bird's tongue." "Wal," says the Yankee, eyeing Rowe, "I -guess I'll take a piece of pickled elephant." Out bustles Howe into -the dining-room, leaving our Yankee friend nonplussed at his gravity. -Presently he comes back again. "Well, we've got 'em; got 'em all -ready, right here in the house; but you'll have to take a whole 'un, -'cause we never cut 'em." The Yankee thought he would take some cod -fish and potatoes. - - -SAME DRUNK.--585. - -A gentleman, finding his servant intoxicated, said, "What, drunk -again, Sam? I scolded you for being drunk last night, and here you -are drunk again." "No, massa; same drunk, massa, same drunk," replied -Sambo. - - -CATCHING.--586. - -"Jem, you've been drinking." "No, I haven't; I've been looking at -another man drinking, and it was too much for me." - - -TO MAKE LEECHES BITE.--587. - -If the leech will not bite, bind him apprentice to a broker for a -week, and his teeth will become so sharp that he will bite through the -bottom of a brass kettle. - - -LACONIC.--588. - -"Hillo, master," said a Yankee to a teamster, who appeared in -something of a hurry, "What time is it?--Where are you going?--How -deep is the creek?--And what is the price of the butter?" "Past one, -almost two--home--waist deep--and elevenpence," was the reply. - - -AIDS TO MEMORY.--589. - -A paper publishes a story in which it is stated that a man who came -very near drowning had a wonderful recollection of every event which -had occurred during his life. There are a _few_ of our subscribers -whom we would recommend to practice bathing in deep water. - - -SIMMONS ON LIFE.--590. - -"What is the use of living?" asked Jack Simmons the other day. "We -are flogged for crying when we are babies, flogged because the master -is cross when we are boys, obliged to toil, sick or well, or starve, -when we are men, to toil still harder when we are husbands, and after -exhausting life and strength in the service of other people, die, and -leave our children to quarrel about the possession of father's watch, -and our wives to catch somebody else." - - -CUTE EXPEDIENT.--591. - -There was a law in Boston against smoking in the street. A down-easter -strutted about the city one day, puffing at a cigar. Up walked the -constable. "Guess your smokin'," he said. "You'll pay two dollars, -stranger." "I ain't smokin'," was the quick response, "try the weed -yourself; it ain't alight." The constable took a pull at the cigar, -and out came a long puff of white smoke. "Guess you'll pay _me_ two -dollars," said the down-easter, quietly. "Wal," replied the constable, -"I calc'late you're considerable sharp. S'pose we liquor." - - -A MILD ASSERTION.--592. - -This is to certify that I have always been bald, and have used up a -barrel of common hair-dye. I accidentally heard of your Invigorator, -and purchased a bottle, and carried it home in my overcoat pocket. -The pocket was full of hair when I got home! I took the bottle and -held it in the sun, when the shadow fell on my head. A thick head of -chestnut-coloured hair grew out in thirty minutes by the watch, all -curled and perfumed. Send me twenty bottles by return mail. - - -FRIENDLY NOTICE.--593. - -The editor of the _Florence Inquirer_ gives the following notice to -one of his friends--"The gentleman who took out of our library the -number of _Graham's Magazine_, is respectfully invited to call again -in about two weeks and get the number for August." - - -TIPPING THEM LATIN.--594. - -Andrew Jackson was once making a stump speech out West in a small -village. Just as he was concluding amen, Kendall, who sat behind -him, whispered, "Tip 'em a little Latin, General; they won't be -content without it." The man of iron instantly thought upon a few -phrases he knew, and in a voice of thunder he wound up his speech by -exclaiming--"_E pluribus unum--sine qua non--ne plus ultra--multum in -parvo_." The effect was tremendous, and the Hoosier's shouts could be -heard for miles. - - -A SOLID REASON.--595. - -A distinguished Southern gentleman, dining at a New York hotel, was -annoyed at a negro servant continually waiting upon him, and desired -him one day at dinner to retire. "Excuse me, Sir," said Cuffy, drawing -himself up, "but I'se 'sponsible for de silver." - - -SQUASHED.--596. - -A romantic youth, promenading in a fashionable street in New York, -picked up a thimble. He stood awhile, meditating upon the probable -beauty of the owner, when he pressed it to his lips, saying, "Oh, -that it were the fair cheek of the wearer!" Just as he had finished, -a stout, elderly negress looked out of an upper window, and said, -"Massa, jist please to bring dat fimble of mine in de entry--I jist -drapt it." - - -BRIGHT AND BLUE.--597. - -I met her in the sunset bright, her gingham gown was blue; her eyes, -that danced with pure delight, were of the same dear hue. And always -when the sun goes down, I think of the girl in the gingham gown. - - -OYSTERS.--598. - -A man seeing an oyster vendor pass by, called out, "Give me a pound -of oysters!" "We sell oysters by measure, not by weight," replied the -other. "Well," said he, "give me a yard of them." - - -ABSTRACTION.--599. - -An editor at a dinner-table being asked if he would take some pudding, -replied in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter we -are unable to find room for it." - - -MODERN DEFINITIONS NOT FOUND IN ANY OF THE ANCIENT DICTIONARIES.--600. - -_Hard Times._--Sitting on a cold grindstone and reading the -President's message. - -_Love._--A little world within itself intimately connected with shovel -and tongs. - -_Genteel Society._--A place where the rake is honoured and the -moralist condemned. - -_Poetry._--A bottle of ink thrown over a sheet of foolscap. - -_Politician._--A fellow that culls all his knowledge from borrowed -newspapers. - -_Patriot._--A man who has neither property nor reputation to lose. - -_Independence._--Owing fifty thousand dollars which you never intend -to pay. - -_Lovely Woman._--An article manufactured by milliners. - - "One wants but little here below, - And wants that little for a _show_." - - -FIRM FOUNDATION.--601. - -The editor of the _Albany Express_ says, the only reason why his -dwelling was not blown away in a late storm was because there was a -heavy mortgage on it. - - -GALLANT CORRECTION.--602. - -An American agricultural society offers premiums to farmers' -daughters--"girls under twenty-one years of age," who shall exhibit -the best lots of butter, not less than 10 lbs. "That's all right," -says a New York paper, "save the insinuation that some girls are over -twenty-one years of age." - - -HARD HEARING.--603. - -We know a man down East whose hearing is so hard that he broke it up -and sold it for gun-flints. - - -YANKEE MODESTY.--604. - -I cannot bear egotism. I never like to praise myself; but, humanly -speaking, I can double up any two men in these diggings, take the bark -off a tree by looking at it, and bore a hole through a board fence -with my eye. But I don't praise myself. I leave others to give my -character. - - -A REBUKE.--605. - -A Yankee, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, assured -General Jackson that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said -Old Hickory, "be careful the next time you run away, and don't look -back." - - -MONSTER PUNCH-BOWL.--606. - -A Kentuckian, on hearing praised the Rutland Punch-bowl, which on the -christening of the young Marquis was built so large that a small boat -was actually set sailing upon it, in which a boy sat, who laddled out -the liquor, exclaimed, "I guess I've seen a bowl that 'ud beat that to -smash; for, at my brother's christening, the bowl was so deep, that -when we young'uns said it warn't sweet enough, father sent a man down -in a diving-bell to stir up the sugar at the bottom." - - -LONG LIVERS.--607. - -The people live uncommon long at Vermont. There are two men there so -old that they have forgotten who they are, and there is nobody alive -who can remember it for them. - - -REMARKABLE SKIPPER.--608. - -It is said that there is a skipper in New York who has crossed the -Atlantic so often that he knows every wave by sight. - - -YOUTH INDIGNANT.--609. - -A lad was subpoenaed as a witness in one of the American courts. -The judge said, "Put the boy upon evidence," upon hearing which young -America exclaimed, "Who are you calling a boy? W'e chewed baccy these -two years." - - -DANIEL WEBSTER.--610. - -The _Salem Register_ tells this good story. Daniel Webster was once -standing in company with several other gentlemen in the Capitol at -Washington, as a drove of mules were going past. "Webster," said one -of the Southern gentlemen, "there go some of your constituents." -"Yes," instantly replied Mr. Webster, "they are going South to teach -school." - - -THANKS TO HIS HENS.--611. - -A man in Missouri planted some beans late one afternoon, and next -morning they were _up_--thanks to his hens. - - -CONFIDENCE NECESSARY.--612. - -The _Boston Post_ says--"All that is necessary for the enjoyment of -sausages is _confidence_." - - -PAINFUL NECESSITY.--613. - -During the long drought of last summer, an American paper says, water -became so scarce in a certain parish that the farmers' wives were -obliged to send their milk to town genuine. - - -ANSWERED AT ONCE.--614. - -An American clergyman, preaching a drowsy sermon, asked, "What is the -price of earthly pleasure?" The deacon, a fat grocer, woke up hastily -from a sound sleep, and cried out lustily, "Seven and sixpence a -dozen." - - -MORE COPY.--615. - -Once in autumn, wet and dreary, sat this writer, weak and weary, -pondering over a memorandum book of items used before--book of -scrawling head notes, rather; items taking days to gather them in hot -and sultry weather, using up much time and leather, pondered we those -times o'er. While we conned them, slowly rocking (through our mind -queer ideas flocking) came a quick and nervous knocking--knocking at -our sanctum door. "Sure, that must be Jinks," we muttered--"Jinks -that's knocking at our door; Jinks, the everlasting bore." Ah, well -do we remind us, in the walls which then confined us, the "exchanges," -lay behind us, and before us, and around us, all scattered o'er the -floor. Thought we, "Jinks wants to borrow some papers till to-morrow, -and 'twill be relief from sorrow to get rid of Jinks the bore, by -opening wide the door." Still the visitor kept knocking--knocking -louder than before. And the scattered piles of papers, cut some rather -curious capers, being lifted by the breezes coming through another -door; and we wished (the wish was evil, for one deemed always civil) -that Jinks was to the d----l, to stay there evermore; there to find -his level--Jinks the nerve-unstringing bore. Bracing up our patience -firmer, then, without another murmur, "Mr. Jinks," said we, "your -pardon, your forgiveness we implore. But the fact is, we were reading -of some curious proceeding, and thus it was, unheeding your loud -knocking there before." Here we opened wide the door. But phancy now -our pheelins--for it wasn't Jinks the bore--Jinks, nameless, evermore! -But the form that stood before us, caused a trembling to come o'er -us, and memory quickly bore us back again to days of yore--days when -items were in plenty, and where'er this writer went he picked up -interesting items by the score. 'Twas the form of our "devil," in an -attitude uncivil; and he thrust his head within the open door, with -"The foreman's _out o' copy_, sir--he says he wants some more!" Yes, -like Alexander, wanted "more." Now this "local" had already walked -about till nearly dead--he had sauntered through the city till his -feet were very sore--and walked through the street called Market, and -the byways running off into the portions of the city, both public -and obscure; had examined store and cellar, and had questioned every -"feller" whom he met from door to door, if anything was stirring--any -accident occurring--not published heretofore--and he had met with -no success; he would rather guess he felt a little wicked at that -ugly little bore, with the message from the foreman that he wanted -"something more." "Now, it's time you were departing, you scamp!" -cried we, upstarting. "Get you back into your office--office where you -were before--or the words that you have spoken will get your bones all -broken;" (and we seized a cudgel, oaken--that was lying on the floor); -"take your hands out of your pockets, and leave the sanctum door; tell -the foreman there's no copy, you ugly little bore." Quoth the devil, -"send him more." And our devil, never sitting, still is flitting, -still is flitting, back and forth upon the landing, just outside the -sanctum door. Tears adown his cheeks are streaming--strange light from -his eye is beaming--and his voice is heard, still crying, "Sir, the -foreman wants some more." And our soul pierced with the screaming, is -awakened from its dreaming, and has lost the peaceful feeling; for -the fancy will come o'er us, that each reader's face before us, hears -the horrid words--"We want a little more!"--Words on their foreheads -glaring, "Your 'funny' column needs a little more!" - - -POPPING CORN.--616. - - And there they sat a-popping corn, - John Stiles and Susan Cutter; - John Stiles as stout as any ox, - And Susan fat as butter. - - And there they sat and shelled the corn, - And raked and stirred the fire, - And talked of different kinds of ears, - And hitched their chairs up nigher. - - Then Susan she the popper shook, - Then John he shook the popper, - Till both their faces grew as red - As saucepans made of copper. - - And then they shelled and popped and ate, - And kinks of fun a-poking, - And he haw-hawed at her remarks, - And she laughed at his joking. - - And still they popped, and still they ate - (John's mouth was like a hopper), - And stirred the fire and sparkled salt, - And shook and shook the popper. - - The clock struck nine, the clock struck ten, - And still the corn kept popping: - It struck eleven, and then struck twelve, - And still no signs of stopping. - - And John he ate, and Sue she thought-- - The corn did pop and patter, - Till John cried out: "The corn's a fire! - Why, Susan, what's the matter?" - - Said she, "John Stiles, it's one o'clock; - You'll die of indigestion; - I'm sick of all this popping corn, - Why don't you Pop the Question?" - - -POWERFUL SERMON.--617. - -Judge ---- had noticed for some time that on Monday morning his -Jamaica was considerably lighter than he had left it on Saturday -night. Another fact had established itself in his mind. His son Sam -was missing from the parental pew on Sundays. On Sunday afternoon, Sam -came in and went up stairs very heavy, when the judge put the question -to him: "Sam, where have you been?" "To church, sir," was the prompt -reply.--"What church, Sam?" "Second Methodist, sir."--"Had a good -sermon, Sam?" "Very powerful, sir; it quite staggered me."--"Ah! I -see," said the Judge, "quite powerful!" The next Sunday the son came -home rather earlier than usual, and apparently not so much under the -weather. His father hailed him with, "Well, Sam, been to the Second -Methodist again to-day?" "Yes, sir."--"Good sermon, my boy?" "Fact -was, father, that I couldn't get in; the church was shut up, and a -ticket on the door."--"Sorry, Sam; keep going, you may get good by it -yet." Sam says that on going to the office for his usual refreshment, -he found the "John" empty, and bearing the following label:--"There -will be no service here to-day; the church is temporarily closed." - - -HUGGING.--618. - -An editor in Iowa has been fined two hundred dollars for hugging a -girl in church.--_Early Argus._ Cheap enough! We once hugged a girl -in church some ten years ago, and it has cost a thousand a year ever -since.--_Chicago Young American._ - - -TART.--619. - -Mr. Mewins was courting a young lady of some attractions, and -something of a fortune into the bargain. After a liberal arrangement -had been made for the young lady by her father, Mr. Mewins, having -taken a particular fancy to a little brown mare, demanded that it -should be thrown into the bargain; and, upon a positive refusal, the -match was broken off. After a couple of years the parties accidentally -met at a country ball. Mr. Mewins was quite willing to renew the -engagement. The lady appeared not to have the slightest recollection -of him. "Surely you have not forgotten me," said he.--"What name, -sir?" she inquired. "Mewins," he replied; "I had the honour of paying -my addresses to you, about two years ago." "I remember a person of -that name," she rejoined, "who paid his attentions to my father's -brown mare." - - -WHO FIDDLED.--620. - -In the Pennsylvania Legislature, two years ago, there was a member -named Charlie Wilson, from one of the Northern frontier counties, -who considered himself among the great orators of the day, and, when -pretty well filled with "Harrisburg water," would get off for the -edification of his colleagues some very rich illustrations. Being -somewhat interested in a bill before the House, he made what he -considered one of his master-speeches, during the delivery of which he -used the illustration of "Nero fiddling while Rome was burning." He -had scarcely taken his seat when a member tapped him on the shoulder, -and said: "Say, Charlie, it wasn't Nero that 'fiddled,' it was Cæsar. -You should correct that before it goes on the record." In an instant -he was upon his feet, and exclaimed. "Mr. Speaker--Mr. Speaker--I -made a mistake. It wasn't Nero that 'fiddled' while Rome was burning; -it was _Julius Cæsar_." Happily for him, the Speaker was so busily -engaged that he did not hear him; but some members near heard and -enjoyed the joke. Afterwards some one told him that he was right in -the first place, which resulted in his reading all the ancient history -in the State Library during the remainder of the winter, to assure -himself as to who it was that "fiddled." - - -BONNETS.--621. - -An old bachelor, who has evidently been taken in by a love of a -bonnet, thus discourseth:-- - - "No matter where you may chance to be, - No matter how many women you see-- - A promiscuous crowd, or a certain she-- - You may fully depend upon it, - That a gem of the very rarest kind, - A thing most difficult to find, - A pet for which we long have pined, - Is a 'perfect love of a bonnet.'" - - -SAVED THE LEATHER.--622. - -An old man, rather elevated, bought a pair of new shoes, and, in -order to save their soles, walked home barefoot. He had not walked -far before his toe was brought too near to a large stone (considering -the latter was the harder of the two). He received a severe blow, and -began limping across the street, shoe in hand, groaning out: "Oh! how -glad I am I hadn't my new shoes on!" - - -LEGISLATION.--623. - -A Virginia lawyer once objected to an expression of the Act of -Assembly of the State of Pennsylvania, that "the State House yard -should be surrounded by a brick wall, and remain an open enclosure -for ever." "But," replied a Pennsylvanian who was present, "I put it -down by that Act of the Legislature of Virginia which is entitled 'A -Supplement to an Act to amend an Act making it penal to alter the mark -of an unmarked hog.'" - - -WHEN WILL THEY MEET?--624. - -There is a curious duel now pending in Boston which began ten years -ago. Mr. A., a bachelor, challenged Mr. B., a married man, with one -child, who replied that the conditions were not equal--that he must -necessarily put more at risk with his life than the other, and he -declined. A year afterwards he received a challenge from Mr. A., -who stated that he too had now a wife and child, and he supposed, -therefore, the objection of Mr. B. was no longer valid. Mr. B. -replied that he now had two children, consequently the inequality -still subsisted. The next year Mr. A. renewed the challenge, having -now two children also; but his adversary had three. The matter when -last heard from was still going on, the numbers being six to seven, -and the challenge yearly renewed. - - -THE MILLENNIUM AT HAND.--625. - -An editor of a Boston paper thinks that the millennium is at hand, and -gives his reasons. He says that an inspector of long and dry measures -in Baltimore, while going his rounds, cut a full quarter of an inch -from a yard-stick in a dry-goods' store in that city, it being that -much _too long_. - - -SAYINGS WISE AND WITTY.--626. - -It iz highly important that when a man makes up hiz mind tew bekum -a raskal, that he should examine hizself clusly, and see if he aint -better konstrukted for a phool. - -I argy in this way; if a man iz right, he kant be too radikal; if he -iz rong, he kant be too consarvatiff. - -"Tell the truth, and shame the Devil;" i kno lots ov people who kan -shame the devil eazy enuff, but the tother thing bothers them. - -It iz a verry delikate job tew forgive a man, without lowering him in -hiz own estimashun, and yures too. - -Az a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches she haz a good -rite tew them. - -It iz admitted now bi evryboddy that the man who kan git fat on -berlony sassage has got a good deal of dorg in him. - -Wooman's inflooenze iz powerful, espeshila when she wants ennything. - -Sticking up yure noze don't prove ennything, for a sope biler, when he -iz away from his hum, smells evrything. - -No man luvs tew git beat, but it iz better tew git beat than tew be -rong. - -Don't mistake arroganse for wisdom; menny people hav thought they wuz -wize, when tha waz onla windy. - -Men aint apt tew git kicked out ov good society for being ritch. - -The rode tew Ruin iz alwus kept in good repair, and the travelers pa -the expense ov it. - -If a man begins life bi being a fust Lutenant in hiz familee, he need -never tew look for promoshun. - -The only proffit thare is in keeping more than one dorg iz what you -kan make on the board. - -Young man, study Defference; it iz the best card in the pack. - -Honesta iz the poor man's pork, and the rich man's pudding. - -Thare iz a luxury in sumtimes feeling lonesum. - -Thare is onla one advantage, that i kan see, in going tew the Devil, -and that iz the rode iz easy, and yu are sure to git there. - -Lastly, i am violently oppozed tew ardent speerits as a bevridge; but -for manufakturing purposes i think a leetle ov it tastes good. - - JOSH BILLINGS. - - -HER MARRIAGE GIFT.--627. - -A country girl, desirous of matrimony, received from her mistress a -twenty dollar bill for her marriage gift. Her mistress desired to see -the object of Susan's favour, and a diminutive fellow, swarthy as a -Moor, and ill-favoured generally, made his appearance. "Oh, Susan!" -said her mistress, "how small; what a strange choice you have made." -"La, ma'am," answered Sue, "in such hard times as these, when all tall -and handsome fellows are off to the war, what more of a man than this -would you expect for twenty dollars?" - - -A FINE STREAM.--628. - -A Philadelphia judge, well known for his love of jokes, advertised a -farm for sale, with a fine stream of water running through it. A few -days afterwards a gentleman called on him to speak about it. "Well, -judge," said he, "I have been over that farm you advertised for sale -the other day, and find all right, except the find stream of water you -mentioned."--"It runs through the piece of wood in the lower part of -the meadow," said the judge.--"What, that little brook? Why, it does -not hold much more than a spoonful. I am sure if you empty a bowl of -water into it it would overflow. You don't call that a fine stream, -do you?"--"Why, if it was a little finer you couldn't see it at all," -said the judge, blandly. - - -KNOWING, AND NOT KNOWING.--629. - -"Never go to bed," said a father to his son, "without knowing -something you did not know in the morning." "Yes, sir," replied the -youth, "I went to bed tipsy last night; didn't dream of such a thing -in the morning." - - -WAR PHRASES.--630. - -The Confederates at Atlanta were in the habit of throwing immense -64-pound shells. When these were seen coming, the Federal soldiers -would warn each other by such expressions as "Look out for the -cart-wheel!" "There comes an anchor!" "Look out for that blacksmith's -shop!" - - -FOND OF SOCIETY.--631. - -A lady, who was in the habit of spending a large portion of her -time in the society of her neighbours, happened one day to be taken -suddenly ill, and sent her husband in great haste for a physician. The -husband ran a few rods, but soon returned, exclaiming: "My dear, where -shall I find you when I get back?" - - -ARTEMUS WARD'S COURTSHIP.--632. - -There was many affectin' ties which made one hanker arter Betsy -Jane. Her father's farm joined our'n; their cows and our'n squencht -their thurst at the same spring; our old mares both had stars in -their forreds; the measles broke out in both famerlies at nearly the -same period; our parients (Betsy's and mine) slept regularly every -Sunday in the same meeting-house; and the nabers used to observe: -"How thick the Wards and Peasleys air!" It was a surblime site, in -the spring of the year, to see our sevral mothers (Betsy's and mine) -with their gowns pin'd up so they couldn't sile 'em, affecshuntly -Bilin sope together & aboozin the nabers. Altho' I hanker'd intensly -arter the objeck of my affecshuns, I darsent tell her of the fires -which was rajin in my manly Buzzum. I'd try to do it, but my tung -would kerwollop up agin the roof of my mouth & stick thar, like deth -to a deseast Afrikan, or a country postmaster to his offiss, while -my hart whanged agin my ribs like a old-fashioned wheat Flale agin a -barn floor. 'Twas a carm still nite in Joon. All nater was husht, -and nary zeffer disturbed the sereen silens. I sot with Betsy Jane on -the fense of her father's pastur. We'd bin rompin threw the woods, -kullin flowrs, & drivin the woodchuck from his Native Lair (so to -speak) with long sticks. Wall, we sot thar on the fense, a swingin -our feet two and fro, blushin as red as the Baldinsville skool-house -when it was fust painted, and looking very simple, I make no doubt. -My left arm was ockepied in ballunsin myself on the fense, while my -rite was wounded lovingly round her waste. I cleared my throat, and -tremblinly sed: "Betsy, your'e a Gazelle." I thought that air was -putty fine. I waited to see what effect it would have upon her. It -evidently didn't fetch her, for she up and sed: "Your'e a sheep!" Sez -I: "Betsy, I think very muckly of you." "I don't believe a word you -say, so there now, cum!" with which obsarvashun she hitched away from -me. "I wish thar was winders to my Sole," sed I, "so that you could -see sum of my feelins. Thare's fire enough within," sed I, striking -my buzzum with my fist, "to bile all the corn beef and turnips in -the naberhood. Veersoovius and Critter ain't a circumstance!" She -bow'd her hed down, and commenced chewin the strings to her bonnet. -"Ar, could you know the sleepless nites I worry threw with on your -account; how vittles has seized to be attractive to me, & how my -lims has shrunk up, you wouldn't dowt me. Gaze on this wastin form, -and these 'ere sunken cheeks." I should have continured on in this -strane probly for sum time, but unfortnitly I lost one ballanse and -fell over into the pasture. Ker smash tearin my close, and seveerly -damagin myself ginerally. Betsy Jane sprang to my assistance in dubble -quick time, and dragged me 4th. Then, drawin herself up to her full -hite, sed: "I won't listen to your noncents no longer. Jes say rite -strate out what your'e drivin at. If you mean gettin hitched, I'M -IN!" I considered that air enuff for all practical purposes, -and we proceeded immejitly to the parson's, and was made 1 that very -nite. I've parst through many tryin ordeels sins then, but Betsy Jane -has bin troo as steel. By attending strickly to bizness I've amarsed -a handsome Pittance. No man on this footstool can rise and git up & -say I ever knowingly injered no man or wimmin folks, while all agree -that my Show is ekalled by few and excelled by none, embracin, as it -does, a wonderful colleckshun of livin wild Beests of Pray, snaix in -great profushun, a endless variety of life-size wax figgers, & the -only traned Kangaroo in Ameriky--the mos amoozin little cuss ever -introjuced to a discriminatin public, at the small charge of 15 sents. - - -COLONEL CROCKETT AND THE 'COON.--633. - -I discovered a long time ago that a 'coon couldn't stand my grin. I -could bring one tumbling down from the highest tree. I never wasted -powder and lead when I wanted one of the creatures. Well, as I was -walking out one night, a few hundred yards from my house, looking -carelessly about me, I saw a 'coon planted upon one of the highest -limbs of an old tree. The night was very moony and clear, and old -Ratler was with me; but Ratler won't bark at a 'coon--he's a queer -dog in that way. So I thought I'd bring the lark down in the usual -way, _by a grin_. I set myself--and, after grinning at the 'coon a -reasonable time, found that he didn't come down. I wondered what was -the reason, and I took another steady grin at him. Still he was there. -It made me a little mad. So I felt round, and got an old limb about -five feet long, and planting one end upon the ground, I placed my chin -upon the other, and took a rest. I then grinned my best for about five -minutes, but the cursed 'coon hung on. So, finding I could not bring -him down by grinning, I determined to have him, for I thought he must -be a droll chap. I went over to the house, got my axe, returned to the -tree, saw the 'coon still there, and began to cut away. Down it come, -and I run forward; but d----n the 'coon was there to be seen. I found -that what I had taken for one was a large knot upon a branch of the -tree, and, upon looking at it closely, I saw that _I had grinned all -the bark off, and left the knot perfectly smooth_. - - -MODESTY.--634. - -"Modesty," says a Yankee editor, "is a quality that highly adorns a -woman, but ruins a man." - - -SELF-EVIDENT KNOWLEDGE.--635. - -A Yankee soldier who read his name in the list of deaths at an -hospital, wrote home that he didn't believe it. In fact, he knew the -statement was a falsehood as soon as he read it. - - -OBSTINACY CURED.--636. - -A juror held out against his eleven companions in Santa Cruz, -California. The others, after trying all other means, finally agreed -to send in a verdict of "Guilty," with the addition, that the -obstinate member was a great rascal, and confederate of the prisoner. -He thereupon gave in. - - -NERVE OF FEELING.--637. - -A Southern paper says that "a Yankee's chief nerve of feeling is in -his pocket."--"A rebel is more apt to feel in his neighbour's pocket," -replies a Northern journal. - - -TWO MUCH ICE.--638. - -A correspondent tells of a chap who was drinking at a bar, and withal -being tolerably tight, after several ineffectual attempts to raise -the glass to his lips, succeeded in getting it high enough to pour -the contents inside his shirt-collar, and set the glass down with the -exclamation, "That's good, but a little too much ice, landlord!" - - -ALL-HEALING.--639. - -A Mormon, named Nichols, made a nerve and bone all-healing salve, -and thought he would experiment a little with it. He first cut off -his dog's tail, and applied some to the stump. A new tail grew out -immediately. He then applied some to the piece of the tail which he -cut off, and a new dog grew out. He did not know which dog was which. - - -PUTTING A GOOD FACE ON IT.--640. - -A writer in the _Chicago Post_ describes how he got out of a bad -scrape in a police-court:--"The next morning the judge of the -police-court sent for me. I went down, and he received me cordially. -Said he heard of the wonderful things I had accomplished by knocking -down five persons, and assaulting six others, and was proud of me. -I was a promising young man, and all that. Then he offered a toast, -'Guilty or Not Guilty?' I responded in a brief but elegant speech, -setting forth the importance of the occasion that had brought us -together. After the usual ceremonies, I was requested to lend the city -ten dollars." - - -OBEYING ORDERS.--641. - -An officer down in Georgia tells the following story:--"One night -General ---- was out on the line, and observed a light by the side of -the mountain opposite. Thinking it was a signal light of the enemy, -he remarked to his artillery officer that a hole could easily be put -through it. Whereupon the officer, turning to the corporal in charge -of the gun, said, 'Corporal, do you see that light?' 'Yes, sir.' 'Put -a hole through it,' ordered the captain. The corporal sighted the gun, -and when all was ready he looked up and said, 'Captain, that's the -moon!' 'Don't care for that,' was the captain's ready response, 'put a -hole through it any how.'" - - -NOT EXACTLY.--642. - -An Indiana man was travelling down the Ohio in a steamer, with a mare -and a two-year-old colt, when by a sudden career of the boat, all -three were tilted into the river. The Indiana man, as he rose puffing -and blowing above water, caught hold of the tail of the colt, not -having a doubt that the natural instinct of the animal would take -him ashore. The old mare took a direct line for the shore; but the -frightened colt swam lustily down the current with the owner. "Let -go the colt and hang on the old mare," shouted some of his friends. -"Pooh, pooh!" exclaimed the Indiana man, spouting the water from his -mouth, and shaking his head like a Newfoundland dog; "it's mighty -fine, you telling me to leave go the colt; but to a man that can't -swim, this ain't exactly the time for changing horses!" - - -THE ANGLER CAUGHT.--643. - -"In the summer of 1823," says an American writer, "when a mere lad, I -was at Swift's, in Sandwich. My then schoolmaster was there also, and -from him I had the tale. John Brown was the well-known _sobriquet_ -of the fisherman who attended amateur anglers on their excursions. -John was not remarkable for his veracity, but quite otherwise, when -his success with the hook and line was the 'subject of his story.' -One day he was out with Daniel Webster. Both were standing in the -brook, patient waiters for a bite, when Mr. Webster told John how he -caught a large, a very large, trout on a former time. 'Your honour,' -said John, 'that was very well for a gentleman. But once, when I was -standing down by yonder bush, I took a fish, weighing'--I forget how -much, but of course many ounces more than the great lawyer's big fish. -'Ah! John, John,' exclaimed Mr. Webster, 'you are an am_phib_ious -animal--_you lie in the water, and you lie out of it_!'" - - -SPLENDID FIRING.--644. - -They have pretty good marksmen in Vermont. Brown was telling Smith, -of New Hampshire, the skill of a Green Mountain hunter. "Why," said -he, "I have seen him take two partridges and let them both go--one in -front and the other behind him; and he would fire and kill the one -in front, and then whirl round and kill the other." "Did he have a -double-barrelled gun?" enquired Smith. "Of course he did." "Well," -replied Smith, "I saw a man do the same thing with a _single-barrel_." -Brown didn't believe the thing possible, and said so. - - -CHARGED AND DISCHARGED.--645. - -A fellow charged with stealing a hoe was discharged upon trial, it -being proved that the article taken was an axe. The affair turned out -a regular _ho-ax_. - - -COLONEL CROCKETT.--646. - -Said he, "And who are you?" "I'm that same David Crockett, fresh from -the backwoods, half horse, half alligator, a little touched with the -snapping turtle; can wade the Mississipi, leap the Ohio, ride upon a -streak of lightning, and slip without a scratch down a honey locust; -can whip my weight in wild cats--and if any gentleman pleases, for a -ten dollar bill, he may throw in a panther--hug a bear too close for -comfort, and eat any man opposed to General Jackson." - - -AGRICULTURAL RETURNS.--647. - -A farmer in the West once planted his onions close to his poppies, and -the consequence was they grew so sleepy that he never could get them -out of their beds. - - -FRANKLIN AND HANCOCK.--648. - -"We must be unanimous," observed Hancock, on the occasion of signing -the declaration of American Independence; "there must be no pulling -different ways." "Yes," observed Franklin, "We must all hang together, -or most assuredly we shall all hang separately." - - -HENRY CLAY.--649. - -The following description of Henry Clay appeared in the _Knickerbocker -Magazine_; it is needless to say it is by a Western man:--"He is a -man, and no mistake! Nature made him with her _sleeves rolled up_." - - -NATURAL MISTAKE.--650. - -A gentleman at the Astor House table, New York, asked the person -sitting next to him if he would please to pass the mustard. "Sir," -said the man, "do you mistake me for a waiter?" "Oh no, Sir," was the -reply, "I mistook you for a gentleman." - - -_LITERATURE._--651. - -An American writer says, "Poetry is the flour of literature; prose is -the corn, potatoes, and meat; satire is the aqua-fortis; wit is the -spice and pepper; love letters are the honey and sugar; and letters -containing remittances are the apple-dumplings." - - -THOMAS JEFFERSON.--652. - -Thomas Jefferson, when Minister to France, being presented at Court, -some eminent functionary remarked, "You replace Dr. Franklin, Sir." "I -_succeed_ Dr. Franklin," was Mr. Jefferson's prompt reply, "no man can -_replace_ him." - - -BORROWING THE BABY.--653. - -All owners of interesting children will be amused by the following, -from the _Boston Daily American_:--A gentleman and lady of that -city were blessed with a beautiful child about a year old, which -attracted so much attention from their neighbours, that the young -ladies opposite frequently sent over to "borrow the baby." After being -obliged to send for the child several times, Mr. ----, on coming home -to dinner one day, got out of temper on finding it gone as usual. -"There, Jane," said he, "go over to the Misses ---- and get the baby; -give them my compliments, and tell them I wish they had a baby of -their own, and were not obliged to borrow." - - -FORCIBLE EVICTION.--654. - -Meeting an American friend travelling in the United States, I enquired -whither he was going? "Why," said he, "I guess I'm going to take -possession of an estate of mine, and I calculate I will have to shoot -down my predecessors." - - -BOXES AND PIT.--655. - -Wemyss, a famous theatrical manager in Philadelphia, quitted the -business, and opened instead a large store for the sale of patent -medicines. A friend dryly remarked that he would no doubt be -successful in filling both _boxes_ and _pit_. - - -A SWIFT HORSE.--656. - -The _Maine Farmer_ tells a number of tough stories about a man whom -it calls "Neverbeat." Here is one:--A gentleman was boasting in the -presence of Neverbeat about the speed of his horse, which, he said, -would trot a mile inside of three minutes, and follow it for three -miles. "A mile inside of three minutes aint much to brag about," -said Neverbeat. "Why, the other day I was up to S----, sixteen miles -distant; just as I started for home, a shower came sweeping on. The -rain struck in the back part of the waggon; and the moment it struck, -I hit old Kate a cut with the whip, away she trotted, scarcely -touching her fore feet to the ground. She kept just nip and nip with -the shower. _The waggon was filled with water, but not a drop fell on -me._" - - -PASSING THE COW TO THE CALF.--657. - -An American dandy who wanted the milk passed to him at an hotel, thus -asked for it: "Landlady, please to pass your cow down this way." The -landlady thus retorted: "Waiter, take this _cow_ down to where the -_calf_ is bleating." - - -NATURE AND ART.--658. - -An American, fresh from the magnificent woods and rough clearings, -was one day visiting the owner of a beautiful seat in Brooklyn; -and, walking with him through a little grove, out of which all the -underbrush had been cleared, paths had been nicely cut and gravelled, -and the rocks covered with woodbine, suddenly stopped, and, admiring -the beauty of the scene, lifted up his hands and exclaimed: "This I -like! This is Nature--_with her hair combed_." - - -NEARING IT BY DEGREES.--659. - -"Mrs. Green," said a tolerably dressed female, entering a grocery -store, in which were several customers, "have you any fresh-corned -pork?" "Yes, ma'am." "How much is this sugar a pound?" "One shilling, -ma'am." "Let me have," she continued, lowering her voice, "half a pint -of gin, and charge it as sugar on the book." - - -AN APT PUPIL.--660. - -A farmer once hired a Vermonter to assist him in drawing logs. The -Yankee, when there was a log to lift, generally contrived to secure -the smallest end, for which the farmer chastised him, and told him -always to take the butt end. Dinner came and with it a sugar-loaf -Indian pudding. Jonathan sliced off a generous portion of the largest -part, giving the farmer the wink, and exclaimed: "_Always take the -butt end._" - - -POETS.--661. - -I never seen a poet that warn't as poor as Job's turkey, or a church -mouse; nor a she-poet that her shoes didn't go down to heel, and her -stockings looked as if they wanted darnin'; for its all cry and little -wool with poets.--_Sam Slick._ - - -GIN AND WATER.--662. - -"Mister, your sign has fallen down!" cried a temperance man to a -grog-shop keeper, before whose door a drunken man was prostrate. -We don't know, says a paper, whether this temperance man was the -same into whose store a customer reeled, exclaiming, "Mr. ----, do -you--keep--a-ny--thing--good to take here?" "Yes, we have excellent -cold water; the best thing in the world to take." "Well, I know -it," was the reply, "there is no one--thing--that's done so much -for--navigation--as that." - - -THE "STEAL PEN."--663. - -A Western editor complains that all the good things in his paper are -cut and inserted in other papers, without acknowledgment of the source -whence they are obtained. He says, "they do not render unto scissors -the things that are scissors'." - - -A PILE OF JOKES.--664. - -Speaking of wags--what is more waggish than a dog's tail when he is -pleased? Speaking of tails--we always like those that end well: Hogg's -for instance. Speaking of hogs--we saw one of those animals the other -day lying in the gutter, and in the one opposite a well-dressed man; -the first one had a ring in his nose, and the latter a ring on his -finger. The man was drunk; the hog was sober. "A hog is known by the -company he keeps," thought we; so thought Mr. Porker, and off he went. -Speaking of "going off" puts us in mind of a gun we once owned--it -"went off" one night, and we have not seen it since. Speaking of guns -reminds us of powder--we saw a lady yesterday with so much of it on -her face that she was refused admission into an omnibus for fear of an -explosion. - - -OBITUARY NOTICE.--665. - -The _Christian Index_ (U. S.) thus prefaces an obituary:--"But a -week since we recorded the death of one who was an old father in the -church, a careful reader of the _Index_, and who paid for three papers -in advance." - - -AN INFANT TEACHER.--666. - -Under the title of "An Odd Advertisement," a New York paper publishes -the following:--"A young lady, perfectly competent, wishes to form -a class of young mothers and nurses, to instruct them in the art of -talking to infants in such a manner as will interest and please them." - - -QUADRUPLICATED PUN.--667. - -A comedian at Boston, by way of puff for his approaching benefit, -published the following lines:-- - - "Dear Public, you and I of late - Have dealt so much in fun; - I'll crack you now a monstrous great - Quadruplicated pun! - - "Like a _grate full_ of coals I'll glow, - A _great full_ house to see; - And if I am not _grateful_, too, - A _great fool_ I must be!" - - -BUCOLIC STUPIDITY.--668. - -We saw a venerable looking cow yesterday, says the _Cincinnati -Herald_, eating pine sawdust, under the impression that it was bran. -She didn't find out her mistake until night, when it was found that -she gave turpentine instead of milk. - - -LIFE IN KENTUCKY.--669. - -The following story of "Life in Kentucky" being in print ought, of -course to be believed:--"Early one morning the shouts and cries of a -female were heard. All ran to the spot. When they arrived they saw a -man and a bear engaged in combat. They had it hip and thigh, up and -down, over and under, the man's wife standing by and hallooing 'fair -play.' The company ran up and insisted on parting them. 'No, no,' said -the woman, 'let them fight it out; for it's the first fight I ever saw -that I didn't care which whipped!'" - - -AMERICAN PROVERBS AND SIMILES.--670. - - AMBITION is as hollow as the soul of an echo. - - TIDE, steamboats, and soda-water will wait for no - one. - - BIG feet, like a leather shirt, are more for use - than ornament. - - MONEY slips from the fingers like a water-melon - seed, travels without legs, and flies without wings. - - IT is the lot of humanity to err at times, as - the drunken man said when he mistook the pig-pen for his - bedroom. - - A GOOD deed will stick out, with an inclination to - spread, like the tail of a peacock. - - YOU might as well undertake to whistle a - grape-vine from a white oak, as to induce a girl to - relinquish her lover. - - -SIMILES.--671. - -AS big as all out of doors. -AS dry as the clerk of a lime-kiln. -AS long as a thanksgiving sermon. -AS crooked as a Virginian fence. -AS straight as a loon's leg. -AS straight as a shingle. -AS sharp as the little end of nothing. -AS slick as greased lightning. -AS swelling as a basket of chips. -AS happy as a clam at high water. -AS tight as the bark of a tree. -AS crazy as a bed-bug. -AS mad as all wrath. -AS wrathy as a militia officer on a training-day. -AS proud as a tame turkey. -AS melancholy as a Quaker meeting-house by moonlight. -AS useless as whistling psalms to a dead horse. -LIKE all nature. -LIKE all fury. -LIKE all possessed. -THRASHING round, like a short-tailed bull in fly-time. -HEAD and tail up, like chicken cocks in laying-time. - - - - -INDEX. - - - PAGE - -Absence of Mind, 50, 52, 85 - -Abstraction, 187 - -Adopting the Other Course, 158 - -Advantage of Burning Two Candles, 2 - -Advice to Doctors, 179 - -Advice to Parents, 49 - -After Joining Church, 43 - -Agreeable Customer, An, 19 - -Agreeing with all the Girls, 134 - -Agricultural Returns, 202 - -Aids to Memory, 184 - -All-Healing, 200 - -All Human, 87 - -All Well, 41 - -Amende Honourable, 177 - -American Competition, 152 - -American Curiosity, 176 - -American Definitions, 152 - -American Estimate of their Clergy, 9 - -American Help, An, 174 - -American Notion of Villany, 94 - -American Platform, 86 - -American Proverbs, 207 - -American Similes, 207 - -American Soil, 149 - -"And That's a Fact", 104 - -Angler Caught, The, 201 - -Another Burst of Eloquence, 109 - -Another Discovery, 96 - -Answered at Once, 189 - -Answering an Advertisement, 168 - -Antediluvian Diet, 61 - -Any Better than None, 154 - -Any Relations, 140 - -Appropriate Gift, An, 115 - -Apt Pupil, An, 205 - -Artistic Execution, 146 - -Awkward Coincidence, 95 - - -Baby Story, A, 16 - -Bachelorism a Luxury, 22 - -Backwoods Conversation, 173 - -Big Puff, A, 67 - -Billings, Josh., Insures his Life, 83 - -Billings, Josh., Sayings of, 99, 196 - -Billings, Josh., on Horses, 175 - -Billy Bray, 28 - -Black Bull, A, 160 - -Blind Phrenologist of St, Louis, 135 - -Bonnets, 194 - -Borrowing the Baby, 203 - -Boxes and Pit, 204 - -"Braggin' saves Advertisin'", 113 - -Breakfast in Bed, 129 - -Brigham Young's Wives, 91 - -Bright and Blue, 186 - -Brother of Four Million Children, 63 - -Bucolic Stupidity, 207 - -"Bus" in the Cars, A, 132 - -Business and Affliction, 5 - - -Candid Parson, A, 12 - -Canine Resemblance, 69 - -Captain's Pudding, The, 123 - -Catching, 184 - -Caught Unawares, 32 - -Cause and Effect, 182 - -Cautious Witness, A, 72 - -Changes, 141 - -Charged and Discharged, 202 - -Chasing a Locomotive, 135 - -Cheap Treat, A, 83 - -Chickens in Tennessee, The, 21 - -Citizen of all the States, A, 30 - -Claiming Exemption, 122 - -Clay, Henry, 203 - -Clergyman and the Lawyer, 110 - -Climacteric Sublimity, 107 - -Close Witness, A, 88 - -Cold Picture, A, 37 - -Colonel answered, The, 12 - -Colt's Arms _v._ Colt's Legs, 126 - -Columbus and the Egg, 117 - -Columbus's Discovery, 106 - -Complimentary, 168 - -Conclusive, 114 - -Condensed Novel, A, 25 - -Conditional Forgiveness, 87 - -Confession of a Clergyman, 95 - -Confidence Necessary, 189 - -Cool Customer, A, 22 - -Coolness, 106 - -Cords of Hymen, The, 82 - -Corking up Daylight, 16 - -Critical, 162 - -Criminal didn't see it, 72 - -Crockett, Colonel, and the 'Coon, 199 - -Crockett, Colonel, 202 - -Crooked Stick, The, 115 - -Cross Purposes, 20 - -Couldn't help it, in fact, 43 - -Couldn't make an Impression, 108 - -Couple of Reasons too many, A, 3 - -Cuff's Cabin, 157 - -Cure for Fainting, 82 - -Curing Two Afflictions, 164 - -Curiosities of American Speech, 55 - -Curious Event, 57 - -Cute Expedient, 185 - -Cutting, 168 - - -Damaging the Engine, 128 - -Darkie's Wish, The, 168 - -Date Wanted, The, 105 - -"Dat's de Mystery", 126 - -Debt of Nature, The, 160 - -"De Dissolution of Coparsnips", 17 - -Delicate Cut, A, 128 - -Democrats _v._ Republicans, 102 - -Demosthenes not Dead, 33 - -Diamond Cut Diamond, 54 - -Didn't care, then, if he did, 140 - -Dinner, but no Breakfast, 159 - -Disconsolate, 147 - -Disinterested Lieutenant, A, 122 - -Distant Friend, A, 167 - -Domestic Economy, 50 - -Double Difficulty, A, 143 - -Doubtful, 144 - -Dow, Junior, 84 - -Do you Smoke?, 78 - -Drawing the Long Bow, 7 - -Dying Soldier and his Mother, 68 - -Dry Joke in a Dry Goods' Store, A, 26 - -Dull Members, 171 - - -Early Rising in Connecticut, 1 - -Eclipsing Himself, 151 - -Editorial Fix, 110 - -Editorial Horse, An, 102 - -Editorial Tribulations, 54 - -Editors Exchanging Compliments, 92 - -Editors' Wives, 142 - -Effective Remonstrance, 147 - -Effect of Eloquence, The, 80 - -Egg "Brof", 3 - -Either Way will do, 96 - -Elbow-Room Scarce, 3 - -Emerson and Parker, 101 - -English Grammar, 40 - -Enthusiastic Newsvendor, 119 - -Epigram on Lincoln, 149 - -Everett and Judge Story, 163 - -Excessive Politeness, 53 - -Excuse for Drinking, 142 - -Exempt decidedly, 97 - -Extraordinary Absence of Mind, 102 - -Extraordinary Crow, 49 - -Extraordinary Motto, 52 - -Eye to Business, An, 130 - - -Failed for a Good Reason, 19 - -Fair Retort, A, 161 - -Falling in Love, 171 - -Familiar Acquaintance, 151 - -Fancy her Feelings, 85 - -Feeling her Way, 18 - -Female Admirable Crichton, 102 - -Fine Stream, A, 196 - -Fine Writing, 107 - -"Fire at the Crisis", 173 - -Firm Foundation, 187 - -First Marriage, The, 42 - -Five Outs and One In, 151 - -Floating Population, A, 102 - -Fond of Society, 197 - -Forcible Eviction, 204 - -Forensic Eloquence, 18 - -Forest-Born Orator, A, 70 - -Forlorn Hope, 146 - -4-tunate Young Man, A, 2 - -Four Points of a Case, 2 - -Franklin, Dr., 161 - -Franklin and Hancock, 203 - -Friendly Notice, 185 - - -Gallant Correction, 187 - -Gem, A, 165 - -General no Pattern, The, 175 - -German Wines, 175 - -Getting down a Ladder, 98 - -Gin and Water, 205 - -Gone Home, 137 - -Good Eyesight, 172 - -Governor and the Justice, The, 119 - -Graham System, The, 13 - -Grandpa's Spectacles, 71 - -Grant, General, 172 - -Great Scarcity, 123 - -Great Traveller, A, 136 - -Grieving for a Wife, 105 - -Grim Welcome, 22 - -Guarded Answer, A, 78 - - -Habitual Thirst, 170 - -Habits of a Great Man, 28 - -Half Guilty, 177 - -Hairs, not Bristles, 60 - -Happiest of Vowels, The, 117 - -Hard Feathers, 163 - -Hard Hearing, 187 - -Hard Lying, 4 - -Hard Scrabble, 90 - -Hard up 73, 144 - -Having the Coffin Handy, 41 - -He had him that time, 17 - -Heady, 172 - -Heavenly Bodies, The, 117 - -Heavy Top-Dressing, 60 - -Height of Meanness, The, 105 - -Hen Persuaders, 70 - -Her Marriage Gift, 196 - -Her Poor Jerry, 130 - -Highly Probable, 103 - -His First Step, 64 - -His Reasons for Leaving, 133 - -His Wife's Cousin, 66 - -Holding the Stakes, 74 - -Homely Flag of Truce, 16 - -Horrified Dandy, A, 27 - -Hot Pies, 57 - -Hotel Accommodation in the South, 81 - -Hotel Rules at the "Diggins", 79 - -Household Words, 132 - -How a "Copperhead" was Shaved, 10 - -How Ale strengthened him, 67 - -How Mr. Lincoln shakes Hands, 89 - -How Sam was Caught, 84 - -How to do Business, 97 - -How to get a Seat, 95 - -How to go Mad, 101 - -Huggin', 192 - -Human Nature, 138 - -Hunting up a Soft Place, 39 - - -I would if I could, 90 - -Illegible Manuscripts, 88 - -"I'm the Baggage", 20 - -In Black and White, 77 - -In Love with the Devil, 89 - -Incident and Epigram, An, 137 - -Inducement to Young People, 102 - -Inducement Unnecessary, 148 - -Infant Teacher, An, 206 - -Infantile Idea of Distance, 126 - -Inflammable and Dangerous, 51 - -Ingenious Boot-Black, 35 - -Inquiring Mind, An, 23 - -Insinuating Rejoinder, 156 - -Interesting Announcement, 142 - -Interesting Experiment, 99 - -Interesting to the Parties concerned, 14 - -Interrupting the Sermon, 84 - -Irish Bull at Bull's Run, An, 131 - -Irish Exhortation, 89 - -Irish Negro, 99 - -It follows, 175 - - -Jefferson, Thomas, 203 - -Jemmy O'Neil and President Jackson, 61 - -Jew D'Esprit, A, 157 - -Job's Patience--as viewed by a Lady, 38 - -John and the Widdah, 150 - -Joke by Jenkins, A, 104 - -Joke by the President, 143 - -Jonathan's Guess, 178 - -Jonathan of All Trades, 167 - -Judge and his Coachman, The, 75 - -Judgment of Solomon, The, 6 - -Just got Married, 137 - - -Keen and Significant, 85 - -Keeping a Secret, 139 - -Kind and Sympathetic, 138 - -Kissing by Proxy, 146 - -Kissing in Wisconsin, 13 - -Knocking at the Church Door, 24 - -Knowing and Not Knowing, 197 - -Knowing Contraband, A, 172 - -Knowing Juryman, A, 15 - - -Laconic, 184 - -Lagging Compliment, A, 121 - -Lapse of Ages, The, 111 - -Last Compliment, The, 161 - -Latest Dog Story, 147 - -Latest Way, The, 136 - -Law of Compensation, The, 108 - -Learned Members of the American Legislature, The, 11 - -Lee, Gen., and a Son of Erin, 125 - -Lee, Gen., to General Meade, 158 - -Legal Advice under Singular Circumstances, 79 - -Legal Toast, A, 86 - -Legislation, 194 - -Letter R, The, 130 - -Letter S, The, 144 - -Libellous Assertion, 98 - -Life in Kentucky, 207 - -Lincoln on Nigger Mathematics, 37 - -Literature, 203 - -Littles, 58 - -Loafer's Hat, The, 160 - -Lobster Salad, 43 - -Logs Wanted, 50 - -Logic of Congress, 126 - -Lone Nigger, A, 97 - -Long and Short of it, 106 - -Longfellow and Longworth, 141 - -Long Livers, 188 - -Look on this Picture and on this, 50 - -Looking for a Situation, 77 - -Love-Letter Ink, 163 - -Lovers' Leap, The, 168 - -Low-necked Frocks, 100 - -Luminous Evidence, 68 - -Lying at the Top, The, 113 - - -"Mails" and Females, 107 - -Major Downing in London, 154 - -Making a Man's Coffin before his Death, 7 - -Marriage Notices, 16 - -Marriage and Single Blessedness, 69 - -Meade, Gen., to Gen. Lee, 158 - -Meat Baby, A, 110 - -Mighty Thick Fog, A, 57 - -Mild Assertion, A, 185 - -Military Tactics, 145 - -Military Veracity of the North, 3 - -Millennium at Hand, The, 195 - -Milwaukee Eloquence, 60 - -Minister's Reception, The, 108 - -Mixing the Babies, 30 - -Model Advertisements, 111 - -Modern Definitions, 187 - -Modest Linendraper, A, 137 - -Modesty, 199 - -Monster Punch-Bowl, 188 - -Mooted Question, A, 97 - -More Copy, 189 - -More Laughable than Logical, 107 - -Most too Sudden, 140 - -Much Virtue in an "If", 167 - -My Pew, Sir!, 6 - - -Naming Children in America, 106 - -Nature and Art, 155, 205 - -Natur's Balances, 149 - -Natural Mistake, 203 - -"Naygers," The, 183 - -Nearing it by Degrees, 205 - -Negro Sermon, 71 - -Nerve of Feeling, 200 - -Nest Egg, The, 44 - -New, if not True, 164 - -New Dish, A, 160 - -Newspaper Borrowers, To, 34 - -New Way to affix a Stamp, 115 - -Niagara Falls from Four Points of View, 126 - -Nice Girl, A, 48 - -Nigger Explanation, 157 - -No Doubt, 38 - -No Justice in that Court, 140 - -No Patients Living, 72 - -No Place like Home, 128 - -No Vices, 173 - -Nonsense about Love, 144 - -Not Exactly, 201 - -Not for Want, 121 - -Not Particular, 112 - -Not so, 47 - -Not to be Done, 32 - -Not to be wondered at, 76 - -Not Willing to Die, 130 - -Note by the Editor, 147 - -Novel Commentary by a Parson, 42 - -Novel Effect of a Second Marriage, 103 - -Novel Hint from the Pulpit, 86 - -Novel Proposition, 141 - -Novel Telegraphic Message, 129 - -Novel Verdict, A, 94 - - -Obeying Orders, 201 - -Obituary Notice, 206 - -Objecting to Missions, 64 - -Obstinacy Cured, 200 - -Ode on Gas, An, 54 - -Odd Excuse for not being Hung, 19 - -Odd Names, 79 - -Of course not, 101 - -Ohio Democracy, The, 48 - -"Old Brains", 119 - -Old Hen and Chickens, The, 21 - -Old King's Arm, The, 89 - -Ole Harry and Ole Nick, 46 - -One of the Press, 109 - -Only the Eleventh, 1 - -"Open Thy Cupboard to Me", 148 - -Openness of Countenance, 74 - -Origin of "Some Punkin", 62 - -Original Brother Jonathan, The, 116 - 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-Rebuke, A, 188 - -Remarkable Chambermaid, 156 - -Remarkable Dream, 43 - -Remarkable Man, A, 52 - -Remarkable Skipper, 188 - -Remarkable Tenacity of Life, 8 - -Remarkably Sociable, 180 - -Receipt in Full, A, 153 - -Returned Soldier's Letter, 73 - -Rivalling Nature, 95 - -Rough Bedfellow, A, 163 - - -Sad Scarcity of Paper, 105 - -Saddest Sight, The, 38 - -Salary not so much an Object, 124 - -Sambo and Cuffee, 54 - -Sambo's Suspicion, 127 - -Sam's Soul, 9 - -Same Drunk, 184 - -Satisfactory Reason, A, 88 - -Saved the Leather, 194 - -Saving the Truth, 156 - -Sayings Wise and Witty, 195 - -Scene in an American Court, 24 - -Schoolmaster Abroad, The, 167 - -Scientific Agreement, 38 - -Scipio's Wife, 68 - -Scripture Names, 22 - -Securing his Trunk, 26 - -Self-evident Knowledge, 199 - -Sensations of a Down-Easter, 141 - -Sensible Woman, A, 96 - -Setting the Time, 180 - -Settling the Wine Bill, 145 - -Sharp Child, 80 - -Sharp Shooting, 1 - -Shedding their Last Blood, 129 - -"Shell in de Stove," A, 53 - 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They - so perfectly resemble the natural teeth as not to be - distinguished from the originals by the closest observer. - They will never change colour or decay, and will be found - superior to any teeth ever before used. This method does - not require the extraction of roots, or any painful - operation, will support and preserve teeth that are loose, - and is guaranteed to restore articulation and mastication. - Decayed teeth stopped, and rendered sound and useful in - mastication. - - 52, Fleet Street. At home from 10 till 5. - - * * * * * - - TOOTH-ACHE CURED in less than a minute by HOLMAN'S - TOOTH-ACHE SPECIFIC, the only preparation that instantly - relieves and does not injure the Teeth. Prepared only by - HENRY HOLMAN, Chemist, Barnet, HERTS. In - bottles, at 7-1/2d. and 1s. 1-1/2d. each, of all Medicine - Vendors; or post free from the Proprietor for 18 stamps. - Wholesale of BARCLAY and SONS, 95, - Farringdon Street, LONDON, E.C. - - * * * * * - - Selling by Thousands. - - THE INGENIOUS POCKET TIMEPIECE, with Case complete. - Warranted to denote Solar Time correctly. Price One - Shilling; by post, 13 stamps. WARD and - CO., Kinver, near STOURBRIDGE. - - * * * * * - - IMPORTANT NOTICE.--£4000 by 5s.--On receipt of a prepaid - envelope addressed to the writer, will be forwarded a - Prospectus of the manner in which, with Governmental - Security, £25,000 can be promptly realized by a deposit - of £1; and how £4000 may be obtained by an investment - of 5s. No doubt about it. Obtain the particulars, then - judge. Apply immediately, to JOHN WARD, Esq., - Kilcrossduff, Shercock, County Cavan, IRELAND. - - - - -Consumption, Coughs, Colds, Asthma, Bronchitis, Neuralgia, Rheumatism, -Spasms, &c. - -CAUTION.--IN CHANCERY. - -CHLORODYNE. - - -VICE-CHANCELLOR WOOD stated that Dr. J. Collis Browne was -undoubtedly the Inventor of Chlorodyne. Eminent hospital Physicians -of London stated that Dr. J. Collis Browne was the discoverer of -Chlorodyne; that they prescribe it largely, and mean no other than -Dr. Browne's.--See _Times_, July 13, 1864. The public, therefore, -are cautioned against using any other than Dr. J. COLLIS BROWNE'S -CHLORODYNE. - -THIS INVALUABLE REMEDY produces quiet, refreshing sleep, relieves -pain, calms the system, restores the deranged functions, and -stimulates healthy action of the secretions of the body. - -_From_ J. M'GRIGOR CROFT, _M.D., M.R.C. Physicians, London, -late Staff-Surgeon to H.M.F._ - - "After prescribing Dr. J. Collis Browne's Chlorodyne, for - the last three years, in severe cases of Neuralgia and Tic - Doloreux, I feel that I am in a position to testify to - its valuable effects. Really in some cases it acted as a - charm, when all other means had failed. Without being asked - for this report, I must come forward and state my candid - opinion that it is a most valuable medicine." - -_From_ JNO. E. GOULSTONE, _M.D., Knighton_. - - "I can confidently state that Chlorodyne is an admirable - Sedative and Anti-Spasmodic, having used it in Neuralgia, - Hysteria, Asthma, and Consumption, with remarkably - favourable results. It relieved a fit of Asthma in four - minutes, where the patient had suffered eleven years in a - most distressing manner, no previous remedy having had so - immediate and beneficial an effect." - -No home should be without it. Sold in bottles, 2s. 9d. and 4s. 6d. -Sent free, on receipt of stamps, by - -J. T. DAVENPORT, 33, Gt. Russell St., London, W.C., -SOLE MANUFACTURER. - -Observe particularly, none genuine without the words "Dr. J. Collis -Browne's Chlorodyne" on the Government Stamp. - - - - -Transcriber's Notes - - -Minor punctuation typos and Index page numbers were silently -corrected. The "possible typos" listed below might be the antiquated -spelling of words in common usage at the time, rather than actual -typesetting errors. All the dialect and intentionally misspelled words -were retained as in the original book. - -Page 6: Possible typo: "sucking-pig" for "suckling-pig". - -Page 10: Changed "were" to "where." - (Orig: the field were we had suffered) - -Page 39: Changed "sympton" to "symptom." - (Orig: a sympton of personal approbation) - -Page 45: Changed "magetism" to "magnetism." - (Orig: makes woman so adorable as magetism) - -Page 48: Possible typo: "Twelve a.m." for "Twelve p.m." - -Pages 54, 80, 152, 175, 178: "Pedlar" and "pedler" spelling -variations were retained. - -Page 69: Changed "fondess" to "fondness." - (Orig: fondess pent up in each heart) - -Page 70: Changed "it" to "in." - (Orig: The failings that it woman dwell) - -Page 82: Changed "splarkled" to "sparkled." - (Orig: Here Billy's eyes splarkled) - -Page 88: Changed "dismised" to "dismissed." - (Orig: witness was dismised) - -Page 101: Changed "thing" to "think." - (Orig: quickest way we can thing of to go raving) - -Page 102: Changed "granchild's" to "grandchild's." - (Orig: rocking her granchild's cradle with one foot) - -Page 116: Changed "Revoluntionary" to "Revolutionary." - (Orig: Army of Revoluntionary War,) - -Page 118: Changed "conset" to "consent." - (Orig: Neither would conset to take it,) - -Page 128: Changed "poceeded" to "proceeded." - (Orig: who proceeded to describe their peculiarities.) - -Page 144: Possible typo: "sleepness" for "sleepless." - (Orig: Sleepness nights, broken dreams,) - -Page 147: Possible typo: "tustle," for "tussle." - (Orig: In the course of the tustle) - -Page 159: Changed "pamplet" to "pamphlet." - (Orig: holding out a pamplet) - -Page 160: Changed "homour" to "humour." - (Orig: the old gent's good homour) - -Pages 172-173: Possible typo: "embryotic" for "embryonic." - -Page 174: Changed "themseves" to "themselves." - (Orig: housekeeping for themseves) - -Page 176: Possible typo: "Mississipi" for "Mississippi." - -Page 188: Possible typo: "laddled" for "ladled." - (Orig: who laddled out the liquor) - -Page 196: Possible two typos: "find" for "fine." - (Orig: and find all right, except the find stream of water) - -Notes on Joe Miller From _Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia_: - - Joe Miller (Joseph or Josias) (1684-August 15, 1738) was an - English actor, who first appeared in the cast of Sir Robert - Howard's Committee at Drury Lane in 1709 as Teague. Trinculo - in The Tempest, the First Grave-digger in Hamlet and Marplot - in Susanna Centlivre's The Busybody, were among his many - favourite parts. He is said to have been a friend of Hogarth. - - He frequented the "Black Jack" tavern on Portsmouth Street - in London, which was a favourite of the Drury Lane players - and those from Lincoln's Inn Fields. Allegedly he was very - serious in the bar and this led to an in-joke whereby all - his companions ascribed all new jokes to him. - - After Miller's death, John Mottley (1692-1750) brought out - a book called Joe Miller's Jests, or the Wit's Vade-Mecum - (1739), published under the pseudonym of Elijah Jenkins - Esq. at the price of one shilling. This was a collection - of contemporary and ancient coarse witticisms, only three - of which are told of Miller. This first edition was a thin - pamphlet of 247 numbered jokes. This ran to three editions - in its first year. - - Owing to the quality of the jokes in Mottley's book, their - number increasing with each of the many subsequent editions, - any time-worn jest came to be called "a Joe Miller", a - Joe-Millerism, or simply a Millerism. - - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The American Joe Miller, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AMERICAN JOE MILLER *** - -***** This file should be named 43996-8.txt or 43996-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/3/9/9/43996/ - -Produced by David Edwards, Diane Monico, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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