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diff --git a/43983-0.txt b/43983-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8e885ce --- /dev/null +++ b/43983-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8748 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43983 *** + +WANTED: A COOK + + + + +WANTED: A COOK +Domestic Dialogues + +_By_ +ALAN DALE + + +INDIANAPOLIS +THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY +PUBLISHERS + + + + +Copyright, 1904 +The Bobbs-Merrill Company + + + + +_To_ JENNIE SHALEK: _housewife_, + + who, in my hour of drab and dreary cooklessness, when my heart + fainted, and tragedy impended, sent her four fair daughters to my + aid, with an ancient Hibernian curio destined to eke out a + livelihood at my expense; who knows the true inwardness of this + tragic topic, and who would gladly lend a willing hand and an + unwilling cook to any sufferer, I gratefully dedicate these simple, + plaintive dialogues. + + ALAN DALE + _New York City_, + _September, 1904_ + + + + +WANTED: A COOK + + + + +CHAPTER I + + +My Letitia! It was indeed a proud and glowing moment when I slipped the +little golden circlet on her fair, slim, girlish finger, and realized +that she was assuredly mine. We were so eminently suited to each +other--both young, enthusiastic, and unspotted from the world. We had +our own pet theories, and long before marriage we had communed on that +favorite, misunderstood topic--the sanctity of the home. + +Letitia was exceedingly well-read, and the polish upon her education +shone. It was no mere thin veneer, to be worn off by a too brutal +contact with the rough edges of the world. It was an ingrained polish. +She adored the classics. Other girls would sit down and pore over the +Sarah-Jane romances of the hour. My Letitia liked Virgil. In French she +was fearfully familiar with Molière and Racine. In German she coquetted +with Schiller in the most delightful manner. She knew most of the +students' readings of Shakespeare. In fact, she fascinated me by her +arch refinement. + +We were both great sticklers for refinement. We pitied the poor silly +things who knew how to sew and cook. Refinement--we were both certain of +it--was the cultivation of the gloriously useless. We despised the +abominably useful. It was so sordid. We felt convinced that our "home" +could be conducted upon suave and easy lines, without abandoning even +one of our theories. Letitia told me that "home" was the Anglo-Saxon +_ham_, and I was so much in love with her, that I didn't mind in the +least. In fact, I hinted that I had suspected as much. How could "home" +be anything else but Anglo-Saxon? + +My little girl had been "finished" in Paris, at a select, and pleasingly +dismal, _pension_ in the Avenue du Roule. I, myself, had taken a B. A. +at Oxford. Yet we were triumphantly patriotic Americans. We returned to +these shores absolutely convinced that they were beyond criticism. After +all, people only go abroad in order that they may realize the +inferiority of Europe. They never go for a "good time," or for mere +frivolous amusement. The great armies of Americans in London and Paris +are there simply because they prefer America and want that fact brought +home to them. If you don't believe me, ask them. Nail them down to their +patriotism. + +However, both Letitia and I grudgingly admitted that in England home +life did seem a bit more potent than on this side. + +"It naturally would," said Letitia, "because you see 'home' is really an +Anglo-Saxon idea." + +But we were going to have a home of our own in the very midst of +seething New York. The mere notion of a vulgar, degrading +"boarding-house" was detestable to us, while as for the "apartment +hotel," where you sat at dinner in your best clothes with a crowd of +unsympathetic strangers, we sniffed at the bare suggestion. We wanted a +little refuge, tiny yet dainty, where we could be alone to live our +lives. "To live our lives" was one of Letitia's expressions. She +abstracted it unconsciously, I believe, from Ibsen. A chaste and +cherishable resort, where of an evening my wife could read _The Iliad_ +in the original, and I, in a becoming smoking-jacket and velvet +slippers, could work at my _Lives of Great Men_, was what we clamored to +possess. And possess it we fully intended to do. + +I may add that Letitia also believed in the "new thought." She was of +the opinion that you could will anything you wanted. She doted on +sitting still, and sending out telepathic waves from her cunning little +brain, and I loved to look at her telepathing. She was at her +prettiest. + +Aunt Julia Dinsmore, Letitia's only relative, and a sedate old lady with +drab ideas, mentioned something about the "servant question" as she +listened to our domestic rhapsodies. She suggested to us that there must +be some satisfactory reason to explain the lack of well-appointed homes +in New York. Americans liked comfort just as well as other people, said +she. Did we suppose that they were uncomfortable because they preferred +discomfort? And again she referred to the "servant question." + +The "servant question"! How we laughed! Letitia nudged me under the +table and arched her eyebrows. She turned to Aunt Julia and quoted one +of Shakespeare's most beautiful passages: + + "How well in thee appears + The constant service of the antique world, + When service sweat for duty, not for meed!" + +It is one of the many charming things in _As You Like It_. Aunt Julia +said that it had nothing whatsoever to do with the case. Perhaps it +hadn't. In fact, as I think it over now, I can't quite see its +relevancy. Yet what mattered relevancy? It was a treat to listen to +Letitia when she quoted. + +"Your Shakespeare will die when your cook comes in," said Aunt Julia, +and she laughed. People are so fond of laughing at their own epigrams. +It is most irritating--just as though the utterance of this perverted +form of philosophy were a relief. + +"You dear silly old thing!" exclaimed Letitia to her aunt, "we shall not +worry. We don't read the comic papers. Americans believe all the +wretched jokes, dished up for them, to be founded on fact. Americans +believe anything. They have no time to think for themselves. Have they, +Archie?" + +All I could reply was: "No." I should like to have been pungent and +clever, but somehow or other, I never can follow Letitia. She generally +appeals to me with a deft query, destined to color her own delightful +train of thought, and I have nothing better to say than "no"--or +occasionally "yes." + +After that, Aunt Julia dropped the "servant question," as she called it. +The "servant question"! As though there could be such a question! How +could refined and educated people elect to permit the mere matter of +domestic drudgery to be a "question"? Art might be a question. Science +was certainly a question. But to allude to the handmaiden, who opens +your front door, or to the person who Marylands your terrapin, as a +"question" was too ludicrous. It was making mountains out of molehills. +Ah! Letitia and I were for the glorious mountains, with their sun-kissed +peaks and their exultant elevation. + +We were neither of us freighted with that detestable thing dubbed a +"sense of humor." Thank goodness for that! A sense of humor is a +handicap in the world's race. People afflicted with it seem to spend +their time laughing at their friends, scoffing at serious situations, +and extracting spurious merriment from the gravity and dignity of life. +We both believed that a sense of humor was unrefined. Comic +story-tellers, comic poets, comic critics--how we loathed them! They +were parasites on the face of things, giving you stones when you craved +bread--furnishing nasty, sickly ridicule in lieu of delicate, +intellectual analysis. Thank goodness, that both Letitia and I had been +spared the curse of a "sense of humor." We had been educated beyond it. + +Aunt Julia, as I said, was henceforth silent--or comparatively +silent--on her banal, squalid "servant question." But she was rampant +and interfering again when we selected the pretty little apartment--in a +beautiful neighborhood--that was to be our home--Letitia's and mine! We +took it without a question, there being nothing that we wanted to know. +It was not one of those American institutions in which, to get from the +drawing-room to the dining-room, you were forced to walk through the +bedrooms, no matter who happened to be in them, asleep, or dressing. It +had a "private hall," and each room possessed a window. Why each room +shouldn't possess a window, I can't explain, but windows in up-to-date +apartments are a luxury, and not a necessity. I dare say that they are +very old-fashioned, but they are one of the last remnants of old fashion +to which I cling. + +It was a small apartment with "six rooms and bath"--very cozy, and quite +light and cheerful without furniture. After we had seen our dainty +"belongings" moved in, we were bound to admit that some people might say +that it all looked "stuffy." Letitia didn't think so; nor did I. Much we +cared! + +Still, it was quite remarkable what a difference furniture made. It +really seemed to be in the way. The drawing-room was almost blocked up +with its chairs and sofas, what-nots, and ottomans. It had seemed quite +a spacious apartment when in its natural state. One would have thought +that it mutely rebelled at the indignity of furniture. Yet one must +furnish! + +The only thing to do in our drawing-room was to sit down. It was quite +comfortable sitting down. It seemed like refuge to get to a chair--out +of harm's way. When up and doing, you had to dodge and to steer +yourself. We often went there before we were married, just to get used +to the position of the furniture. In front of the fireplace--where there +would never be any fire, as everything was steam-heated--we placed the +tiger-rug, with the real tiger-head, that Aunt Julia gave us. It was +rather dark by the fireplace, as a bookcase, a what-not, a dear little +_tête-à-tête_ chair and a "cosy corner" were in its vicinity and we +always fell over the tiger's head. It was most amusing at first. I +laughed when it brought Letitia down. Letitia laughed when she saw me +prone. But one tires so quickly of innocent pleasure! The last time we +visited the apartment before the gorgeous day when it literally became +"ours," I fell over the tiger-head, and--it palled. For the first time +it didn't seem so funny. I am glad to say that Letitia laughed just the +same, her mind being more ingenuous than mine. + +In the dining-room, too, there was a wealth of furniture. It was such a +cheerful room when we first saw it, but when curtained and upholstered, +it was necessary to switch on the electric light in order to see where +the table was. Of course, this didn't matter at all. It was merely a new +experience and deliciously odd. Still, we both agreed that if we +preferred air and light to material, bodily comfort, our "home" was +infinitely brighter unfurnished. As a matter of fact, the simplest +necessities of domestic life were encumbrances. We had to ponder over an +extra chair. The disposal of a small footstool called for a +mathematical mind. As for the table, it had--like most other +tables--four legs, but three of them were ridiculously in the way. They +seemed like abnormal growths. + +We were delighted at all this innovation. We prattled about our "home" +by the hour. These--or rather, this--might be the ancestral halls of our +great-great-grandchildren, though at present it seemed destined for one +generation at a time--and a small generation, too. There was scarcely +room for even an ancestor, and I couldn't help feeling thankful that +ancestors were not usual in New York. + +The bedrooms surprised us. They were called bedrooms, because nobody had +yet thought out any other name for them. We were both loud in praise of +their coziness. They were simply full of coziness. There was no room for +anything else. Furnished with ledges or bunks as on board ship, they +would have been most spacious and agreeable. With beds in them they +bulged. Letitia admitted this, when I called her attention to it. She +laughed and quoted Ben Jonson's memorable words: "I will not lodge thee +by Chaucer, or Spenser, or bid Beaumont lie a little further to make +thee a room." And, as usual, I kissed her. Her splendid thoughts were +independent of mere space. They rose above and superior to close +modernity. Thank goodness, again, for the lack of a sense of humor! With +it, I might have said things about Chaucer, Spenser, and Beaumont, at +which the groundlings, would, perchance, have smiled. The humorists, +so-called, would sell their souls for a laugh. + +We never once looked at the kitchen. Not for worlds would we have +betrayed so mean and petty a spirit. Undoubtedly there are women who +would have peered into this food-resort, and have held forth on such +disgusting topics as "tubs" and "hot and cold water." Ugh! How +nauseating! Letitia simply passed it by with a shrug. It _had_ to be +there, of course, but it had nothing to do with our case. Cook would +probably know if it were properly appointed. This was what cook was for. +The agent had told us that a bedroom for a cook was conveniently +adjoining. To which Letitia had replied, in evident amusement, "No +doubt. Why not?" I thought it clever, and I believe that the agent did, +for he turned his face quickly away. + +Aunt Julia had supplied the cooking utensils, I am thankful to say. We +had no interest in them. We agreed that they were necessary, but we were +willing to pay, and to pay well, for a careful custodian of that sort of +thing. But as I began to say before, Aunt Julia, after having wisely +dropped the "servant question," became rampant and interfering on the +subject of our apartment. She asked distressing questions about "dumb +waiters," and "janitors," and "washing." + +Letitia was reading Cicero's _De Amicitia_ at the time, I remember, +while I was making notes of some incidents in the life of Goethe that I +meant to incorporate in my book. I bore with Aunt Julia most patiently. +As I could not answer her questions, I parried them very good-naturedly. +After all, she was Letitia's only relative, and she was old, and rather +infirm. One must be polite, even when it would be excruciatingly +exquisite to be otherwise. + +"I must say," remarked Aunt Julia, "that you don't seem to have looked +at anything. You have taken an apartment, and you know nothing at all +about it. You are a couple of silly children." + +"Pardon me," I said, "but we have looked at all that it was necessary to +look at. I don't expect Letitia to grovel." + +"Grovel!" cried Aunt Julia, "grovel! I like that. In my time, a +housewife knew what she was doing--" + +"That's just it," I interrupted. "In your time, Aunt Julia, there were +housewives. I hate the phrase. Housewife--wife of the house. I want my +wife for myself, not for my house. In your time, I dare say, women so +far forgot themselves--yes, forgot themselves, Aunt Julia--as to discuss +the laundry, or the market, with their husbands. That, I may say, is not +our idea. I want your dear little niece to stay in her drawing-room--" + +"Stay in her--what?" cried Aunt Julia ferociously. + +"I repeat: her drawing-room. Oh, I know that you would prefer that I say +'parlor.' I decline to do so. It is a word that grates on my nerves. In +England, they have 'parlors' in hovels. You enter the 'parlor' direct +from the street. It is quite unnecessary to cast a stigma on a room. +Drawing-room sounds much more refined. With us it will be drawing-room." + +"I think Archie is right, Aunt Julia," said Letitia, looking up from _De +Amicitia_, and smiling at me--dear little girl! "It is a prettier term, +isn't it? 'Parlor' sounds so awfully poor, and--well, dear, we are +really not awfully poor. It is the little refinements of life that +count. I don't think I could feel at home in a parlor. I just adore the +notion of my drawing-room." + +Aunt Julia laughed. It wasn't one of those laughs that signify +merriment. It was that contemptuous something that we call a laugh for +want of a better word. I should classify it as a snortch, or a sniffth. +It angered me considerably. + +"There are no drawing-rooms," continued Letitia's relative, "in +One-Hundred-and-Fourth Street, near Columbus Avenue. I should think you +would be satisfied to hear them called 'parlors.' Cubby-holes would be +more appropriate. Of course, I may be all wrong. Of course. Ha! Ha! To +talk as though you owned Marlborough House, or Buckingham Palace, or +Vanderbilt's mansion! Ha! Ha! It is too preposterous." + +I saw a flush on my Letitia's face. She had closed her Cicero with a +sigh. All this small-talk was nerve-racking. + +"A drawing-room," persisted Aunt Julia, "is literally the room to which +the guests withdraw after dinner. I imagine that your guests will +withdraw to it not only after dinner, but after luncheon and breakfast +as well. In fact they will be obliged to withdraw there or sit on the +fire-escape. By-the-by, have you a fire-escape?" + +As though I knew or cared! Fancy selecting a home, and inquiring if +there were any means by which you could escape from it. I did not +answer. My mind was brooding over the question of withdrawing from the +dining-room. Next to our dining-room was the bathroom. It was rather an +odd arrangement, especially as bathing is considered dangerous +immediately after eating. The man who designed our "home" evidently +thought that a bath after a meal was a good thing. Otherwise, why place +the bathroom next to the dining-room? + +I recovered my equanimity instantly. "You are trying to discourage us, +Aunt Julia," I said, "but it won't work. You can call the drawing-room a +'parlor' if you like. But we shan't. Nor are we trying to ape Buckingham +Palace. We are too American for that. The trouble here is that whenever +you try to be nice, refined, and courteous, you are accused of aping +something. We ape nothing at all. We prefer a drawing-room because it +has a more cultured sound. Just as we intend to call the china-closet a +'pantry.' This is a free country." + +"Fiddlesticks!" cried Aunt Julia. "You are very devoted to your +drawing-room and your pantry, but I'm grieved to think that a sensible +girl like Letitia, and an able-bodied young man, like yourself, haven't +thought it worth while to ask the janitor about the disposition of the +garbage." + +That settled it. I had endured a good deal. I had been patient, polite, +kindly, and amused. Yes, I had been half-amused. When I heard Aunt Julia +sully her lips with a word so coarse as "garbage" in the presence of my +innocent little unsophisticated Letitia, I decided that the time for +protest had indeed arrived. + +"Mrs. Dinsmore," I said--not even "Aunt Julia"--"I must really ask you +to avoid such disgusting words and topics, or, if you must mention them, +to do so to me alone. I can stand it--perhaps. But it is not nice for +your niece. There may be such a thing as garbage in the world--I believe +that there is--but one does not care to allude to it at home." + +I looked at Letitia. A slight expression of disgust manifested itself on +her face, although she tried for my sake to conceal it. + +"It is a word that has come to us, Archie, from the old French _garbe_," +she said quickly, with her own admirable tact. "It was once more +disgusting than it now seems to be. Americans use it to express kitchen +refuse or anything of that sort. Of course, our cook will have no +refuse, for we shall get a good one. Probably, in low, unrefined +households they do have refuse. It is possibly quite general--for +average people do not understand the refinement of living. Aunt Julia +meant nothing, I am sure." + +Letitia, the sweetest and most diplomatic girl I have ever met, rose and +kissed Aunt Julia, and I was bound to feel mollified. Not that Aunt +Julia was in the least upset by my dignity. In fact, she was convulsed +with laughter, but it was the same sort of laughter that I prefer to +call a snortch, or a sniffth. + +"If you ever eat oranges," she persisted in continuing, "what are you +going to do with the peel? And your potato skins? And your melon rinds? +And your old bones? And your tin cans? And your grocery boxes? That is +what we unrefined people call garbage. But I dare say that you and +Letitia will put it all in your drawing-room and make a cozy corner of +it, or tie it up with blue ribbons. You silly children!" she cried, +drying the laughter from her eyes, "if you weren't so amusing I could be +angry with you." + +Letitia looked at me. I looked at Letitia. She put her index finger to +her lips to signify silence. It dawned upon us both that Aunt +Julia--poor old thing--was cursed with the terrible commodity known as +the "sense of humor." That is the way it always manifests itself. It is +irrelevant laughter at serious subjects. My opinion is that it is a +disease, and that a remedy for it will be found one day. They seem to be +discovering that remedy in the comic papers, which no longer, I have +heard, appeal to the afflicted. + +Letitia went on reading _De Amicitia_; I renewed my acquaintance with +Goethe, and Aunt Julia fell asleep with a book in her hands. I couldn't +help seeing that it was called _Hints to Housewives_. Certainly +Letitia's only relative was a bit disenchanting. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + +It was while we were honeymooning at Niagara, that Aunt Julia, in a +letter dated from her home, at Tarrytown-on-the-Hudson, wrote to tell us +that she had secured a cook for us, a colored woman, who had been highly +recommended, and whom we should find awaiting us when we took possession +of our cunning little domicile. + +"I need not say, my dear Letitia," she wrote, "that a good servant is +merely the result of a sensible and far-seeing mistress. Be firm with +her, but not necessarily unsympathetic. Remember that the servant-girl +question and its many evils constitute a grave national problem. I think +you may consider yourselves lucky. Anna Carter appears to be an +excellent servant." + +This letter reached us the day before we returned to New York. Letitia +read it aloud to me at breakfast as we sat before our morning eggs. It +had a prosaic sound, but--well, morning eggs are not freighted with +romance. Unfortunately, we were neither of us built for a diet of +rose-leaves and dew-drops, delightful though they would have been, +during the honeymoon. I am, however, bound to say that Letitia's +extremely healthy appetite did not disenchant me. Nor, when I returned +for a second egg, furtively during the first week, but more boldly later +on, did Letitia repine at my materialism. One thing we did avoid--and +that was the distasteful discussion of food. We ate what was placed +before us without comment. Only once was this tacit rule broken. It was +when, at dinner, Letitia rompingly annexed an evil oyster. Even then, +she merely uttered a little cry of pain--which went to my heart--and +dropped the subject; also the oyster. + +"It is really awfully good of Aunt Julia," she said, pretending not to +notice that I had arrived at egg number three. "She is a dear, good old +soul. I am delighted at the prospect of a colored maid. Aren't you, +Archie?" + +"They are always very good-tempered and docile," I replied, "and with +you, Letitia, any girl will be exceedingly happy. Ah, in the years to +come, Anna Carter may be our 'old retainer,' to be pensioned off. Think +of her weeping, and begging to be allowed to remain with us--clinging to +us, as it were, and even offering to stay without wages." + +"Which I should never allow,"--Letitia's tone was wonderfully firm--"I +can't imagine how self-respecting people permit such a thing. They +always do it in plays. I shan't countenance it. If Anna persists in +staying with us, when she is too old to work, then she shall have +exactly the same wages. Am I not right, Archie?" + +"Always," I cried admiringly; "always, my dear girl." + +"I think," said Letitia musingly, "I think a colored maid always looks +so neat and attractive in a plain black dress, buttoned down the front, +and a white cap--something fluffy and lacey--a wide, stiff, white collar +and pretty cuffs. I shall dress Anna Carter like that. I have quite made +up my mind to it. Oh, Archie," she went on rapturously, "don't you think +that the _bonnes_ in Paris--you see them in the Champs Elysées, and +everywhere--look perfectly lovely in the caps with the long satin +ribbons trailing to the ground?" + +"But they are nurses, dear," I suggested, just for the sake of arguing +with my little wife. + +"That doesn't matter at all," she cried triumphantly. "There's no law to +prevent our dressing Anna in just that style, if we like, is there, +Archie? You must admit that there isn't. I shall get her a pretty cap, +with yards of olive-green ribbon, to match the burlap on the +dining-room wall. Isn't it a charming idea? And colored people love a +bit of finery--a ribbon or so. I can imagine her delight. I hope she +isn't fearfully colored--an unbecoming shade--as green would be such a +bad match. We should be obliged to have red, and that would be so +glaring with the green walls. I can't help feeling a bit sorry--since we +have heard from Aunt Julia--that we didn't have red burlap in the +dining-room. But one can't think of everything, can one, Archie?" + +"No, dear," I said soothingly. "You are a wonderful little woman to have +thought of all this." + +"And I do hope," she went on, "that Anna has a black dress, buttoning +down the front. I have set my heart on it, Archie. It may be a trifle, +but somehow or other, those old-fashioned buttoned bodices look so +comfortable and homelike." + +We journeyed exultantly back to New York, eager to get to our home. We +could scarcely wait. To be sure, the hotel at Niagara was delightful. We +had the "bridal suite" and all the luxuries that money could +command--for a honeymoon comes but once to people with our ideas. Still +this hotel life, even under such advantageous circumstances, palled upon +us. We did not care for sight-seeing, and the pastimes of the hayseed +mind. The fact that the Falls happened to be there, brought little +satisfaction to us. We stayed at the hotel most of the time, and tried +to imagine that it was home. Letitia read Ovid's _Ars Amatoria_ and _The +Responsive Epistles of Aulus Sabinus_. Aunt Julia had given us Hall +Caine's _Eternal City_, and Marie Corelli's _Temporal Power_, but +Letitia threw them from the window of the train. They took up so much +valuable room. They were mute testimony to a disorderly mind, she said, +and I quite agreed with her. + +On our way back Letitia announced that she had sent a telepathic message +to Anna Carter. She sat quite motionless for ten minutes, during which +time she tried to impress Miss Carter's mind with a picture of +ourselves. + +"Sometimes it works," she said, "and sometimes it doesn't. It all +depends upon the psychic endowment of the recipient. Some of the negroes +have an exceptional psychic equipment. At any rate, Archie, it doesn't +cost anything but the mental effort. Telepathy is cheaper than +telegraphy. Anna will probably know that we are coming." + +"I think a wire would have been surer, dear," I ventured. "I really +don't mind the expense. I don't want my little girl to be too +laboriously economical." + +At the Grand Central Station we parted for the first time since our +wedding--I, to set forth for my office in West Twenty-third Street, +where I was junior partner of a profitable little publishing house, +which would ultimately offer my _Lives of Great Men_ to the world; +Letitia to go home. How sweet the word sounded! In reality, I could have +postponed my visit to the office until the next day. But I was anxious +to savor the delight of "going home" to Letitia at the conventional +hour. I wanted to see what it was like--this return to a sweet, +expectant little wife, eagerly looking for me out of the window, while +the "neat-handed Phyllis" prepared a cozy dinner. Letitia quite +understood why I went to the office, and she was delighted at the pretty +subterfuge. + +It was almost impossible to sink my mind to the dull level of business. +They must have found me singularly unresponsive at the office. The +details of the publishing business seemed unusually sordid, and I am +afraid I spent most of the time looking at my watch, and waiting for the +moment when I could legitimately rejoin Letitia. My partner, Arthur +Tamworth, evidently regarded me as a joke, and uttered various +pleasantries of the usual caliber. However, I asked him up to dinner one +night during the week, and he accepted the invitation with gusto. + +At five o'clock I left the office, and half an hour later I arrived at +my dainty little uptown apartment. Sure enough, Letitia was looking out +of the window on the third floor and waving a handkerchief. Regardless +of appearances, I kissed my hand, overjoyed at the sight of domesticity +realized. Briskly I reached the elevator, and almost knocked down a most +remarkable looking lady who was stepping out. I begged her pardon +abjectly. She wore one of those peculiar veils, with an eruption of +large, angry, violet spots, through which I could see that she was +colored. Her dress was of mauve silk, and her hat was a veritable +flower-garden of roses, violets, and lilies of the valley. She chuckled +coonily at my apology and pursued her way. + +"Who on earth is that?" I asked the elevator boy. + +That official seemed tired. He answered indifferently: "Somebody's cook, +I suppose." + +I couldn't help laughing. "Somebody's cook!" I repeated. "Who in the +world would own a cook like that?" It was an amusing idea, and I quite +enjoyed it. + +Letitia opened the door herself, which was charming and unconventional. +She wore an exquisite little dinner dress of pink taffeta (I believe) +trimmed with white chiffon (I imagine). Her neck and arms gleamed in +enchanting evening revelation. We had both resolved always to "dress" +for dinner. Probably Aunt Julia would accuse us of our favorite pastime +of "aping," but we had not discussed the matter with her. "Dressing for +dinner" was merely a little delicate formality that cost nothing at all. +We looked upon it as a mutual courtesy--one of those small refinements +that mean so much to the well-bred mind. Even when we were entirely +alone, evening dress was to be _de rigueur_, as they say in plebeian +circles. + +"Oh, Archie!" cried Letitia, "I'm so glad you've come, dear. It must +have been at least a week since we parted. Isn't the 'home' lovely? Oh, +I can scarcely believe it is mine. Now, run away and dress, like a good +boy, and then we'll talk." + +I struggled into my evening clothes. My new dinner coat was a +particularly fetching garment, and I flattered myself, as I emerged from +my room--it seemed smaller than ever--that there was something +distinctly patrician about me. + +Letitia was in the drawing-room with Ovid. A lamp with a red shade cast +a rosy light upon her. Anything prettier than this picture I have never +seen. I went in rather coyly, and fell over the tiger-head, at which +Letitia laughed merrily--still the same, bright, unchanged little girl. +When I had picked myself up, I looked out a channel between chairs, +stools, sofas and what-nots, and plowed myself through it gingerly, +until I reached Letitia. + +"Now, dear girl," I said, "tell me everything. Begin with Anna Carter." + +She took my hand as I sat beside her on the sofa. "Well," she started, +"Anna was quite surprised to see me. She had not received my telepathic +message. You remember I sent it at 11:32 this morning. But it appears +that she was singing at that time. Isn't it fun, Archie? When I arrived, +I found Anna at the piano practising her scales." + +"How extremely--er--disrespectful!" + +"Nonsense," laughed Letitia, "it seems that she belongs to a choral +society and is first soprano. You know, Archie, I thought it best to be +sympathetic at first. So I listened to her. I imagined that she was +going to apologize for being discovered at the piano. But she didn't. +She merely explained. The choral work will render it necessary for her +to go out every night--" + +"But, my dear--" + +"Don't interrupt, Archie. After dinner, you know, we really don't need +anybody. The old rigid idea of mewing a girl up in her room all evening +is a bit out of date--don't you think so, dear, in these enlightened +days? And isn't it much better to know that a cook is a woman above the +usual old-time, sordid, servant brand? Her voice is really beautiful. +She told me that they are rehearsing the _Messiah_ for Christmas Eve. I +was quite impressed with her." + +"What does she look like?" I was a bit sullen, as so much oddity +perplexed me. + +"Well," Letitia replied, "she didn't expect us, as my telepathic message +miscarried. It was a pity, after all, dear, that I didn't take your +advice and send a wire. Anna did not wear a black dress buttoned down +the front. Probably she will appear in that to-morrow. I found her in +mauve silk--really magnificently made, and her hair was done pompadour. +She looked just like one of Williams and Walker's girls in _In +Dahomey_." + +"Mauve silk!" I cried in surprise, "why Letitia, just as I was entering +the elevator to come up here, I fell against a most remarkable looking +coon in mauve, with a veil, and a hat like the Trianon gardens at +Versailles." + +"It was Anna!" cried Letitia merrily. "She had to go out very early +to-night, as the rehearsal was called for seven o'clock. You needn't +look so vexed, Archie. This is surely our festival time, and why +shouldn't Anna be in it? Time enough for discipline later. You silly +boy, to frown and pout in that way--" + +Letitia kissed me, and I felt quite ashamed of my momentary ill-temper. +I must have inherited an ugly propensity for slave-driving. Here I was, +forgetting that this was our first night at home, because, forsooth, our +cook had gone out in mauve silk to sing! + +"What about dinner?" I asked, and I succeeded in smiling. + +"It's all right, you ravenous person," she replied. "To-night, Anna has +provided us what she calls a delicatessen dinner. I don't know what it +is--but I left it all to her. She suggested it, and was astonished when +I didn't know what it meant. She told me that it is very popular in New +York, and that she can always get us one, even if she should have to go +out earlier. I dare say it's lovely, Archie. She has laid it out in the +dining-room, and I haven't looked at it, because I thought it would be +jollier for us to make our acquaintance with the delicatessen dinner +together. Anna isn't a bit servile, or humble, and I rather like that. I +hate to see these women cowed. Not for a moment did Anna seem cowed." + +My good spirits returned. After all, it was exceedingly delightful to +listen to my loquacious little wife, as she sat there in her pretty +evening clothes. The idea of the delicatessen dinner--whatever it might +be--alone with Letitia, in our newly-acquired home, was simply +captivating. + +We went into the dining-room, arm-in-arm, and I almost wished that there +was somebody there to snapshot us. My wife, with her blonde hair +beautifully arranged, and her soft, pink silk draperies, with the white +swirls of chiffon, was a vision of loveliness; and beside her, in my +immaculate white waistcoat and admirable _piqué_ shirt, I afforded a +sympathetic contrast. + +The dining-room, with its green burlap and handsome furniture, was +absolutely correct, and in the glow of the electric lights looked like +fairy-land. The effect was somewhat marred by the appearance of the +festive board. It was scarcely festive. + +"Isn't it odd?" cried Letitia. + +And it was. On a quaint little thin wooden plate, was a mound of very +cold looking potato salad. On another of these peculiar little dishes, +were half a dozen slices of red sausage with white lumps in it. On a +third wooden dish reposed two enormous pickles, very knobby and green. A +loaf of bread lurked at one end of the table. Two plates and a knife +and fork apiece completed the service, with a pitcher of water and two +glasses. + +"Where is our pretty dinner set, I wonder?" asked Letitia; "I don't +remember these funny little wooden dishes. And--what's in that paper +parcel?" + +The paper parcel, by the loaf of bread, had escaped our notice. Letitia +opened it, and revealed an immense piece of Gruyère cheese, very hole-y, +and appetizing looking, and moist, but appearing to lack a cheese dish, +and the necessary table equipment. + +"What a strange way of laying a table!" I remarked rather gloomily, +feeling decidedly small in my satin-lined dinner-coat, and _piqué_ +shirt-front. + +"It is rather like camping out," said Letitia, in a perplexed voice, +"but perhaps this is merely the _hors-d'oeuvres_ course. Anna said +something about an ice-box. Let's investigate, dear. It really is fun, +though, isn't it?" + +Letitia led the way to the kitchen, her pink silk dress rustling +musically. A few moments before, I had wished for somebody to snapshot +us. But as we stood, peering into the ice-box, in our rigid evening +dress, I felt rather relieved that we were alone. I should have hated +Aunt Julia to have been there. In the ice-box there was nothing but ice +and one bottle of ale, part of which had been consumed. The ice-box +seemed awfully cold and we shivered, though we naturally shouldn't have +expected an ice-box to be warm. Returning to the dining-room, rather +meditative, and serious, and amazed, we sat down to table. There seemed +to be such a quantity of table. It was almost appalling. + +"You must buy a plant, Archie," said Letitia. "Aunt Julia always has a +fern, or something, in the middle of the table. It looks so dressy." + +I refrained from saying that Aunt Julia also had other things on the +table. That would have been unnecessary. After all, this was a novelty, +and it is only hopelessly conservative minds that ruthlessly reject +innovation. + +And in spite of all, our first delicatessen dinner passed off gaily +enough. In fact, the potato salad was delicious and we both agreed that +Anna Carter was certainly a good cook. We were hungry, and the slices of +sausage disappeared very quickly. We ate the pickles, not as a relish, +but desperately, as solid food. They were almost a course, by +themselves. + +"I'm really glad, Archie," said Letitia, "that Anna is out. This is so +amusing, and for our first night at home, so appropriate. It would have +been embarrassing to have had Anna hovering around, passing things." + +Although it occurred to me that Anna would have found very few things to +pass, I did not say so. My mind had righted itself, and I was enjoying +myself. The bread was fresh and appetizing. Never had I eaten so much +bread, and with the hunks of Gruyère cheese I felt almost like a +day-laborer. All I needed was a clasp-knife and a red handkerchief. I +mentioned this to Letitia, and we both laughed so heartily that we +forgot everything but our mirth. + +"My dear old day-laborer in a Tuxedo coat!" said Letitia. + +"And my dear old day-laborer's wife in low neck!" I added, catering to +her fantasy. + +It really was very jolly. I don't believe that we could have been any +jollier had there been ten courses, winding up with a _parfait au café_ +and a _demi-tasse_. Instead of these, we finished our dinner with the +remainder of the pickles and a nice glass of cool water. Letitia drank +my health and I drank hers. We clinked glasses in the continental +fashion. Then we waited, for we couldn't dispossess our minds of the +belief that there was something to follow. I wouldn't admit to Letitia +that I felt a trifle--er--incomplete; while Letitia certainly made no +such confession. Yet there was a something lacking--an indescribable +finishing touch. The delicatessen dinner undoubtedly lacked a finishing +touch. It was all beginning. The appearance of the table after dinner +was even more eccentric than we had found it at first sight. The empty +wooden dishes, the paper that had held the Gruyère, and the two mere +plates, had no suggestion of rollicking dissipation. Nor did they even +suggest an overweening domesticity. + +Letitia, at last, rose from the table and I did the same. I advanced to +the door and opened it for her, and she passed into the drawing-room, +leaving me alone to enjoy a whiff or two of my cigarette. We determined +to keep up the etiquette of refined life in its every ramification. The +door of the bathroom stood wide open and rather spoiled the illusion. +But Letitia did not notice it. I saw her pass down the hall like a +queen, her head in the air, and her pink silk dress _froufrou_-ing +deliciously. + +I threw myself back in an arm-chair, and sighed luxuriously. Then, +before joining Letitia, I donned my smoking-jacket, and felt exquisitely +at home. This was comfort, such as the maddened bachelor, in his +infuriated solitude, can scarcely imagine. The petty cares of life took +unto themselves wings and fled. + +Letitia, in the drawing-room, awaited me anxiously. We were both +inclined to look upon the prescribed separation of the sexes after +dinner as a relic of barbarism. But it was a polite relic, and we had no +intention of shirking it. She looked up from her Ovid as I entered, and +then, rising, she threw her arms around me and kissed me. + +It was eight o'clock, and we had a long evening before us. I had +promised myself a holiday from my _Lives of Great Men_ to-night. Letitia +had guaranteed entertainment, and this took the form of reading a +translation of Ovid, aloud. She would have preferred to entertain me in +the original, but excellent Latin scholar though I was, I clamored for a +translation. With one's wife, a man can be perfectly frank. Ovid, in the +original, was a trifle--heavy. + +She read on, and on--and still on. "Banquets, too, with the tables +arranged, afford an introduction; there is something there besides wine +for you to look for. Full oft does blushing Cupid, with his delicate +arms, press the soothed horns of Bacchus there present. And when the +wine has besprinkled the soaking wings of Cupid, there he remains and +stands overpowered on the spot of his capture. He, indeed, quickly +flaps his moistened wings, but still it is fatal for the breast to be +sprinkled by love. Wine composes the feeling--" + +The clock struck ten. I interrupted Letitia rather irrelevantly. "My +dear girl," I said, "I hate to be so prosaic, but I really feel horribly +empty." + +She looked at me rather oddly, I thought. "You feel empty?" she queried; +"what an atrocious expression, Archie. If you mean by that, that you are +hungry--" + +"I am, Letitia, ravenously hungry. In fact, I feel quite faint. I can't +think of Ovid, but only of supper. Oh, Letitia, a team of deviled +kidneys--" + +"Don't," she cried, "don't. I can't bear it. Isn't it disgraceful, +Archie? I, too, am simply starving. It must be that bracing atmosphere +of Niagara. It has made plow-boys of us. Never before have I felt that +Ovid was a trifle--er--inadequate. Yet we have dined, Archie. We have +partaken of a delicatessen dinner. We ate everything--" + +"I believe," I said feverishly, "that there was a little bread left. We +did not eat the entire loaf, Letitia. I am quite sure that there was a +heel--a crust--on the table. It caught my eye. Shall we--shall we go and +see?" + +We went back to the dining-room, _not_ arm-in-arm. And truly enough, we +discovered that half a loaf was indeed better than no bread. I cut the +crust in two and nobly gave Letitia the larger piece--nobly, but I am +bound to say, enviously. Once more I felt relieved that there were no +camera fiends to intrude upon our privacy. Letitia, in her _décolleté_ +pink silk gown, eating dry bread with a famished expression, seemed +unconventional. So did I, as I buried my teeth in the fresh, crisp +crust. There was no butter. Had there been butter,--well, we should +merely have eaten it. We drank some more of that nice cool water, that +bubbled as I poured it from the pitcher with uplifted hand. + +"And now, dear," I said, "as I am going to be hungry again in five +minutes--I feel it coming on--I think I'll go to bed, and forget it." + +"We--we--can't go to bed yet," murmured Letitia, "we must wait for Anna. +She has no latch-key, and can't get in--" + +"Can't get in?" I exclaimed--and I'm afraid I was testy--"surely she +intends to conform to the rules of all well-appointed establishments--" + +"Now you are wrong, dear," said my wife nervously. "It is not her fault +that she has no latch-key. She asked for one. Yes, Archie, she even +demanded it. It was very considerate of her. It is quite impossible for +her ever to be back before midnight, and she hated the idea of keeping +us up. It was very nice of her, and you shouldn't misjudge people, +Archie. To-morrow, we will all have latch-keys. At present, we are +without them, so I couldn't lend her one." + +"Then there is an hour and a half to wait--" + +"Oh, Archie,"--Letitia's eyes filled with tears--"you are getting to be +a regular--husband! You talk of waiting an hour and a half--alone with +me--as though it were a hardship. Oh, I'm so sorry. I never could have +believed--" + +A stinging sense of remorse overcame me. I could have bitten out my +tongue for those foolish words. I explained that it was not the hour and +a half of waiting with Letitia that annoyed me; I protested that it was +the principle of the thing; I insinuated that I was unstrung, and still +hungry; I--but I fancy that Letitia understood. She smiled again, and +declared that she was too sensitive--and also a bit hungry. So we went +back to the drawing-room, and once more immersed ourselves in the +intellectual contemplation of Venus, and Paris, and Cupid, and Diana, +and Bacchus, and Thalia,--with minds out-rushing to Anna Carter. + +Shortly after midnight the electric bell pealed and Letitia flew to the +door. + +"It's Anna!" she cried joyously, as though it could possibly be anybody +else. + +Miss Carter glided in, enormous and imposing. She almost filled the +hall. Letitia and I were obliged to lean tightly against the wall in +order to let her pass. She surveyed Letitia's costume in bland +astonishment. + +"Say!" she exclaimed, "don't you jes' look too cute for words! My! Ain't +it stylish?" + +"To-morrow you must have a latch-key, Anna," said Letitia majestically. +"You can now retire." + +The mauve silk dress made twice as much rustle as Letitia's. Its owner +passed to her room, humming in a very exhilarating manner. My wife and +I, a trifle awed, moved rather gloomily toward our own apartment. + +"An egg apiece, and some cawfee in the morning, I suppose." + +The words floated in to us. They came from Anna's room. Letitia looked +at me, and I looked at Letitia. Certainly our handmaiden was neither +abject nor cowed. Yet we were bound to uphold the spirit of +independence, the very backbone of our institutions. + +"Anna!" called Letitia. I noticed a timid inflection in her voice but +as I said nothing myself, I was unable to notice anything similar in my +own. + +"Never call to me," Letitia ventured to remark, as cook appeared with +her mauve silk bodice unbuttoned, revealing a pair of scarlet corsets, +"always come. I am not at all inaccessible," she added loftily. "Yes, +eggs and coffee will do for to-morrow. We shall breakfast at--" + +"Nine," interrupted Anna. + +Letitia pondered for a moment, and then nodded her head assentingly as +Anna departed. I felt relieved that she left when she did. She was +slowly disrobing, as she stood before us, and I anticipated a +catastrophe if she remained two minutes longer. + +"Nine is awfully late, Letitia," I said, "I really ought to be at the +office at eight--" + +"I don't want Anna to think you are a bricklayer, dear," asserted +Letitia. "One never hears of really nice people breakfasting at such an +ungodly hour. You see, she herself suggested nine. Evidently, Archie, +she has been in good families. Later on, I can always explain to her +that we desire an earlier meal. But just at first--" + +"But, my dear girl," I said weakly, "you are really mistaken in your +notion that it is only the bricklayer world that rises in the early +morning. The best people do it. Why, Gladstone was at his desk every day +at six--" + +"Oh, Gladstone!" she protested with a smile, dismissing the late right +honorable gentleman from her consideration, as though he were not a mere +mortal of flesh and blood, with everyday sensations; "you mustn't +mention Gladstone, dear. If you were Gladstone, you could afford to do +as you liked--to have your breakfast at midnight, and indulge in other +eccentricities." + +This was a bit irritating. Naturally, I knew I was not quite in the same +class as the gentlemen who have made history, but one does not care to +be reminded of that fact by one's wife. Even in jest, such a remark +seemed unnecessary. But it was not a matter to argue. I took no further +heed of it, and turned to the more vital question of our cook. + +"Don't you think that she is extremely familiar--" + +"Well, dear, perhaps friendly," said Letitia. "I think I prefer it to +servility. These bashful, deferential women are probably sneaky and +deceitful. Still, of course, I shall not permit her to be as friendly as +she was to-night. One must have discipline." + +Letitia was combing out her hair before the silver, beveled mirror. I +watched the comb as it strayed through the shining golden strands. I +was soothed by the sight, that appealed to my sense of the artistic. + +"To-morrow, dear," I said, "I suppose you will give her the cap with the +olive-green ribbons trailing the ground, and inquire about the black +dress buttoned down the front?" + +Letitia was silent. She tugged at a refractory bit of hair and not until +it had earned its right to pass through the comb, unmolested, did she +speak. + +"I was thinking, Archie," she said reflectively, "that some girls attach +so much more importance to little matters of that sort, if a man--if a +man puts it to them. Aunt Julia has often told me that she would have +had a much easier time if there had been a man in the house. Perhaps, +Archie, you would like to--" + +"Not at all, Letitia," I remarked with emphasis, "not for worlds, dear, +would I interfere in your household matters. It is good of you to +suggest it, Letitia, and to permit me the luxury of meddling. But no, +dear,"--in tones of noble self-sacrifice--"I shall refrain." + +"Well, then, to-morrow," she said pensively, "I will attend to the +matter. No doubt Anna will be delighted. And, Archie, she has just the +sort of face that would look well beneath a cap." + +"I didn't like her in the hat trimmed with Trianon gardens," I muttered +with strange persistence. + +"Perhaps it was a bit elaborate," Letitia agreed. "But now, Archie, I'm +sleepy, and--let us drop Anna. Next week, perhaps, I shall buy her a +pretty little black bonnet, tied with strings, under the chin. I intend +to treat her nicely and generously and--" + +"I know I shall emaciate during the night," I couldn't help declaring, +as I switched off the light, "I'm as hungry as a hunter, and--and--we +finished the bread!" + + + + +CHAPTER III + + +"Since Eve ate apples, much depends on dinner." If Byron, whose genius +few will deny, can make such a remark, there is no need for me to +apologize for dwelling upon a topic that long-haired dreamers, with bad +digestions, might call niggledy-piggledy. In fact, I have no intention +of so doing. It has long been my idea that dinner is not so much a mere +matter of material indulgence, as of artistic communion, to which food +is an accompaniment. The fact that the very best music, cruelly +harmonized, must distress--that Melba, Calvé, and Nordica warbling to a +discordant accompaniment, would produce nausea--can certainly need no +discussion. It is a fact that is self-evident. It has an Euclidian +Q.E.D-ness that is instantly apparent. + +I told Letitia that I was not going to emulate the example of so many +men and treat myself each day to a choice luncheon in town. That has +always seemed to me to be a greedy process. Better--far better is it--to +return to one's home at night, hungry as a hunter, with an appetite for +healthful food, rather than an abnormal craving for _suprême de +volaille_. Don't you think so? I intended to save myself up for +Letitia--to accumulate hunger-pangs, and bring them to her table for +artistic treatment. My wife fully agreed with me, and although I brought +the due amount of hunger-pangs to our first dinner at home and +discovered, perhaps, that "delicatessen" food didn't treat them quite as +artistically as they deserved, I was not discouraged. + +My appetite next evening was really in a wonderfully unimpaired +condition. I rejoiced to find that I was so healthy, and as I wended my +way homewards, I looked longingly at mere apples in the street, while +the peanut stands and the roast chestnut stoves almost suggested +assault. + +On this occasion Letitia was not at the window, and I was disappointed. +Evidently she was busy and unable to look for my advent. Perhaps it was +selfish of me to expect her to dance attendance upon my comings and +goings, but a newly-made husband is inclined to be unduly exacting. Even +when I entered the apartment there was nobody to meet me, and it was not +until I reached the drawing-room that I found Letitia. She was sitting +there, looking at the fireplace that the steam-heat rendered so +unnecessary. If there had been glowing embers there she would have been +gazing into them. But there were none--merely gas-logs, unlighted. On +the floor by her side was a little white arrangement, around which were +coiled yards and yards of olive-green ribbon. Instantly I remembered +Anna's cap. I asked myself apprehensively why it was on the floor, and +not on Anna? + +Letitia's face was flushed; her eyes were red; her pose was listless; +her manner strange. Something evil must have happened, and I sprang +forward with the cry: "Letitia!" + +She started, and then came forward to kiss me. Her face felt feverish, +and for a moment my heart stood still and I was unable to ask for an +explanation. + +Letitia herself, however, came to my rescue. "I've had such a horrible +time of it, Archie, that I almost telephoned for you to come back. Then, +I thought you would be frightened, so I simply telepathed. +And--and--that didn't work, so I determined to wait--" + +The tears rushed to her eyes. I was frantic. I had never before seen +Letitia like this. She had been, hitherto, so impassive, so immovable, +so admirably self-controlled. + +"What is it, dear?" I asked tenderly, thinking up dozens of possible +catastrophes. + +"That!" she replied tremulously, pointing to the cap on the floor. +"Archie, I bought it this morning, trimmed it with seven yards of the +finest ribbon I could get, and then--when I offered it to Anna, I was +insulted--grossly insulted--although--although she told me that I--I, +Archie--had grossly insulted her. Oh, I shall never forget it." + +"I don't understand, dear. Please explain--when you feel calmer." + +"I'm calm, now," she asserted, with a telltale gulp. "First of all, +dear, when I gave her the cap and told her that I hoped she would always +wear it--as it matched the burlap in the dining-room so well--she burst +out laughing. Oh, how she laughed! She put her hands to her +sides--akimbo, I think they call it--and made such a noise that I was +afraid. Oh, that coon laughter! And, then, Archie, what do you think she +asked me? You would never guess. What she meant I can't quite figure +out, but she asked me if I thought--if I thought--" + +"Tell me, Letitia." + +"She asked me if I thought she was a blooming circus! A blooming circus, +Archie! She told me that if I hadn't a quarter to go and see a variety +show, she would lend me one. The humiliation of it! Then she said that +she wasn't going to do any 'vaudeville turn' here. Vaudeville turn, if +you please, Archie. She told me that I had airs and manners 'to +burn'--which I imagine must be slang. Nothing would induce her to put +on the cap. She said it was a merry-andrew affair, and though I +explained to her that in Paris such caps were quite the thing, it had no +effect on her. In fact, she almost told me that I lied, for she declared +that she had been in Paris herself and had never seen such degradation." + +"Had she been in Paris, Letitia?" I asked, surprised. + +"Yes, dear," replied Letitia, brushing back her disheveled hair, "in +Paris, Kentucky. She was born there. Poor girl! When I realized that she +was quite ignorant, I felt sorry for her. I said to her in a very gentle +voice: 'Anna, I wanted you to wear this cap, because I thought it would +look so well with the nice black alpaca dress that I am going to give +you.' On the spur of the moment, Archie, I had decided to present her +with a black alpaca dress--" + +"And then--?" + +"And then," continued Letitia, "she turned on me again. I could keep the +black alpaca dress, she said, until she was ready for the Old Ladies' +Home. That was the livery there, she informed me. No black dresses for +her. Red was the only thing worth living for, she said, and mauve came +next. She insisted that she wasn't working for black alpaca dresses. If +she so far forgot her dignity as to go out to domestic service, it was +because she needed silk gowns, and flower hats--" + +"She saw you were young and inexperienced," I said bitterly, "and she +was just imposing. I think I'll go and have a talk with her--" + +"You can't," cried Letitia nervously, "she's out. Oh, I'm so glad she's +out, for I was really frightened, Archie, and can't forget her as she +stood there--just where you are--in an old weather-beaten black silk +skirt with half the beads on, and a bright red jersey with half the +buttons off." + +"She must go!" I exclaimed imperiously. "She must go." + +"No, Archie, no. The matter has been settled in an amicable way. Just as +she was leaving me she burst out crying, and I felt most horribly +guilty. I have no idea why I felt guilty for I had merely intended to be +kind, though firm, as Aunt Julia said. Still, I felt guilty. Half an +hour after she came back, quite lively, and dressed to go out, in the +mauve silk, with the flower hat. She told me not to be angry, and not to +worry--that sometimes when she was unstrung, she was taken that way; +that she hadn't really meant anything, as she knew I was only joking +about the cap and the black dress. I felt so relieved, Archie, it was a +weight off my mind." + +"And dinner?" I carefully tried to suppress a few pangs that were +rioting. + +"She was so upset, dear, that I really believed that she would go +without even thinking of dinner. But I wronged her, for she didn't. She +is not really a bad girl--merely odd, some one to study psychologically. +In spite of her hysterical condition she has prepared dinner--another +delicatessen dinner. I hope you won't mind, dear." + +I sank wearily into an arm-chair. "I had an apple for luncheon, +Letitia," I said with a yearning for sympathy; "one apple, and nothing +more. What did you have?" + +"Anna boiled me an egg," she replied; "it was really beautifully cooked, +and I had some bread, and butter, and coffee. I wanted tea, Archie, but +Anna had forgotten to get any in the house, as she prefers coffee. Isn't +it funny, Archie? She says she simply can't drink tea--it nauseates +her--and that she is quite famous for her coffee--" + +"Letitia," I interrupted, "I don't think I could undergo another +delicatessen dinner. The potato salad was certainly very nice, so were +the pickles--as appetizers. But," with a weak attempt at humor, "I +really couldn't give them an encore. Let's go out to dinner. Let's put +on our things, and go down to the Martin--" + +Letitia clapped her hands. "How gorgeous!" she cried ecstatically, "what +a lovely idea!" + +"It seems silly," I said, "to abandon our home as soon as we get into +it, doesn't it, Letitia? Here we are dining out before we've dined in--" + +"But, Archie," suggested Letitia triumphantly, "Aunt Julia says that +nearly all New Yorkers dine at restaurants, when it is cook's night +out--" + +"In our case, dear,"--with a little sarcastic inflection--"every night +appears to be cook's night out. So we really ought to subscribe to a +restaurant--" + +"That is unjust, Archie. We have been at home two nights only. Last +night we really did enjoy the novelty of the delicatessen dinner, and +to-night there is another waiting for us. If it hadn't been for the cap +with the ribbons--which was an accident--this second delicatessen dinner +wouldn't have occurred. And I'm sure--" + +"Well, to-morrow night we dine at home, Letitia," I remarked rather +haughtily, "for I have invited Arthur Tamworth, who is quite an epicure. +When we get back from the restaurant we will arrange a little menu, and +Anna can then give us a taste of her quality." + +"And I dare say that she will," said Letitia, bestowing a kiss upon me. +"Probably she is an exceedingly good cook. We are paying her heavy +wages, Archie--the wages of a very good cook, Aunt Julia says. I don't +fancy that Anna is the woman to sail under false colors--" + +"Unless mauve be a false color," I interposed wittily, and then we both +laughed and good temper was restored. Like a couple of children, we went +gaily off to the restaurant, with ne'er a thought of the cold sausage +and the buff salad that graced our own mahogany. + +It was a very long and well-furnished dinner, but it was not too long +for us. We were famished. At various times I have seen Letitia "toy" +with her food. I have often told her that she merely coquetted with her +meals. But now she labored strenuously, and this dinner was a serious +affair. We were both too busy even to talk. The waiters looked at us in +amazement, as they removed dish after dish, with naught to tell the tale +of its quality. It was even alarming. It was not until we had arrived at +the coffee that we paused in our mad career. Letitia glanced at me a +trifle shamefacedly, I thought; I returned the glance, perhaps a bit +abashed. Possibly she was vexed that she had shattered the +rose-leaf-and-dewdrop theory, for she had certainly done so. I had never +seen her in the desperation of hunger, simply battling for food. + +"We _were_ hungry," said Letitia, with a little sigh of greedy +satisfaction, as I lighted a cigarette. And I was glad that she included +me. It put her at ease and, as a matter of fact, I had been just as +ardent. It was unusual--but it seemed better for her to be plural in her +remarks. + +"If Anna saw us," I was puffing contentedly at my cigarette, "I don't +think she would suggest another delicatessen dinner. Oh, those +pickles--that sausage--the ecru potato muddle! Really, Letitia--" + +"I suppose that when one is positively hungry," Letitia murmured, "such +food is trying. Few cooks, however, anticipate appetites like ours, +dear." + +Once again I was included. It was quite natural that Letitia should +arraign me with herself. But the idea dawned upon me that though I had +done my duty to this dinner just as nobly as had my wife--her appetite, +for a fragile girl, was really more extraordinary than was mine for a +full-fledged man. + +As soon as we were home again, Letitia suggested that we start at once +to arrange the little menu for the dinner at which Arthur Tamworth was +to be present on the following evening. We sat in the drawing-room, +although we should have preferred the cozier dining-room. In that +apartment, however, the delicatessen dinner was still laid. We took one +look at it and then fled. In our state of repletion it seemed too +insolent to endure. Anna was not there to remove it, and Letitia's +education was such that the sordid details of clearing a table were a +bit beyond her. + +"I wish," she said, "that we had arranged this menu before dinner. It is +hard to think up things, after one has dined so well." + +"Yes, dear," I assented, "soup just now is so unattractive and--er--meat +palls." + +"But to-morrow we shan't feel like that," she declared triumphantly, +"and one must look ahead, Archie. You just smoke quietly, dear, and I'll +write out the menu. Then we'll talk it over. I shall make it out in +French, dear. The simplest things sound almost epicurean in French. I +shall buy three very pretty menu cards to-morrow--with little artistic +drawings on them, one for each of us. And I dare say that Mr. Tamworth +will like to take his home with him." + +"But Anna won't understand French." + +"I've thought of that," said Letitia, biting her pencil. "I shall make +the list out in English for Anna, so that she can buy the things and +serve them properly. Of course, she may know French--she certainly does +if she has lived in good families--but I won't rely on it. Every cook +really should be proficient in the gastronomic phrases that are so +popular to-day." + +"Strange, isn't it, Letitia, that English and American menus should +always affect French?" + +"No, dear," replied my wife, "not at all. We copy the Latin countries in +all the arts. Why not in that of dining? Dining _is_ an art, and not--as +we regard it in England and America--a mere vulgar physiological +process." + +For ten minutes Letitia thought and wrote--and wrote and thought. She +looked up at the ceiling for inspiration; she glanced at me, unseeingly, +and when I made a face at her, never noticed it. She sat there, working, +while I idly admired her and thought what an admirable little housewife +she was. For such a blue-stocking, Letitia was doing wonders, it seemed +to me. + +At the end of the ten minutes she had finished and, bringing her work to +my chair, she sat on the tiger-head at my knee and announced with much +satisfaction that her efforts had been successful. + +"Listen, Archie," she began, with her paper comfortably settled on her +lap. "First of all, let me say that I have made out a very simple +dinner. I hate ostentation and glare. My idea is to be dainty and +unpretentious. We don't want Mr. Tamworth to think that we are living +beyond our means, but we do want him to realize the fact that we know +how to be refined and inexpensive at the same time." + +"Certainly. You are quite right, Letitia. Go on." + +"As _hors d'oeuvres_," she continued, "we will have olives and _anchois +à l'huile_. That is quite enough for a little home dinner. You write it +all in English for Anna as I read it to you. Here, take this piece of +paper and pencil, dear." + +I wrote: "Olives. Anchovies at the oil." + +"For soup," she went on, "I shall have things that sound really much +better than they are, as I don't want to confuse Anna. Just two soups, +Archie, _consommé julienne_, and _crème d'asperges_. I did think of +_petite marmite_, but there is just a chance that Anna might fail at it, +as even in Paris none but the finest _chefs_ really succeed with _petite +marmite_. So just put down _consommé julienne_, and _crème d'asperges_." + +"Beef soup with vegetables. Cream of asparagus," I wrote. "Don't you +think, Letitia, that one soup would have been enough--one thoroughly +artistic and satisfactory soup?" + +"No, Archie," she responded with some asperity. "I hate pinning people +down to one thing--taking a tailor-like measure of their tastes, as it +were. Doesn't it all sound horrid in English?" she queried with a laugh. +"One might really fancy a little _consommé julienne_, whereas beef soup +with vegetables sounds absolutely tin-can-ny, and red-handkerchief-y." + +I thought of Letitia at the restaurant, just one hour previously, and +realized what absolute hunger can do for a lissome little lady. + +"Just one _entrée_, Archie,"' said she, "merely _homard naturel_. +Everybody likes it, and I prefer to class it as an _entrée_. I did think +of having it _à la Newburg_, but it is a bit too heavy, don't you think, +dear? I don't want our dinner to be a foody affair--" + +"Like that we have just finished," I interposed thoughtfully. + +"No," she agreed rather reluctantly. "We were both disgracefully hungry, +and--and--you needn't keep discussing that meal, for it was a meal, and +_not_ a dinner. Now, write down, please, as _entrée_, _homard naturel_." + +"Natural lobster," emerged from my pencil tip. + +"After that, a solid dish," Letitia declared. "You see, Archie, Mr. +Tamworth is American, and we don't want to worry him with quail, or +squab or little unsatisfactory game. I've thought it carefully over and +it seems to me that a tiny, dainty _bifsteck aux pommes de terre_ will +be energetic without being squalid. What say you, boy? Don't you agree +with me?" + +"Beefsteak with potatoes," I wrote glibly, but even as my pencil framed +the words, I shuddered. After our recent heavy dinner the thought of it +seemed so arduous. + +Letitia understood. "You see, it's all due to the coarseness of the +English language," she insisted, "and you must remember that you are +Englishing it for Anna only. I wonder," she added pensively, "if Anna +would make us some of those _soufflé_ potatoes--you know, Archie, those +things that are all blown out, and that seem like eating fried air. They +are most delicate. We used to have them every Sunday at the _pension_, +in the Avenue du Roule. However, I won't tax the girl. Perhaps she may +give us the potatoes in that style without being told. I fancy, dear, +that she is going to surprise us. I dare say it will be a relief to her +to see that we really know what good living is. I shall leave the +potatoes to her." + +"We may as well give her a chance," I agreed. "Personally, I would just +as soon have the potatoes _maître d'hôtel_. It is very likely that Anna +will prefer that method, as it is more usual." + +"And after that," Letitia cried gaily, "nothing, but _glaces aux +fraises_--" + +"Strawberry ices," I wrote. + +"And a _demi-tasse_." + +"Coffee. It is very convenient in New York, dear," I said, "Anna will +not have the worry of making the ices. All she will have to do will be +to order a quart and they will send it over in a cardboard box." + +Letitia shivered. "Yes, I know, Archie. It is very coarse, isn't it? +Imagine thinking of ices by the quart! Picture them in a cardboard box!" + +"They speak of it in the singular here, dear. It is ice-cream. You talk +of a quart of _it_; not of a quart of _them_. It doesn't really matter, +though. The taste is the same." + +"Ugh!" Letitia exclaimed, "it is very discouraging. Why people call +delicious foods by such ugly titles, I don't know. 'A quart of +ice-cream' has such a greedy sound, whereas 'a strawberry ice' is pretty +and artistic to the ear. But as you say, dear, it really makes no +difference. But what do you think of the dinner, dear? Does it appeal to +you? After all, Archie, I would sooner it pleased you than Mr. Tamworth, +though he _is_ the guest." + +"It is lovely," I said enthusiastically, "and, Letitia, so are you. And +you would sooner please me than Arthur Tamworth, oh, most charming of +wives? Well, you will do that, my dear. Yet I bet that our little dinner +will be a red-letter affair for Arthur." + +"I shall get the menus at Brentano's to-morrow," announced Letitia, +"some pretty little water-color, or etching, if possible. I don't intend +to economize, Archie. Our first dinner-party--for three is a crowd, +isn't it?--must, and shall be delightful." + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + +Before going to the office next morning, I accompanied Letitia to the +florist's. She was determined to select the table decorations herself. +Later on, she declared, when Anna had become acclimatized and our way of +living was to her as an open book, Letitia promised to leave everything +to her. We were rather surprised at the cost of the flowers Letitia +coveted. Orchids and American Beauty roses appealed to her strongly, and +she paid no attention to less expensive blooms. Not that I minded. This +little dinner really meant a good deal to me. Besides being a personal +friend of mine, Arthur Tamworth was my senior partner, and it was upon +him that I relied for the publication of my _Lives of Great Men_, a work +that was to make my name ring through the land and perhaps, through the +ages. In fact, I delighted to do him honor, and if my motives were +somewhat selfish, they were not less so than those of the majority. This +is a practical age. + +Letitia went home, flower-laden and smiling. She was neither when I +returned at five o'clock. In fact, she seemed distinctly weary and her +kiss was more perfunctory than any I had hitherto experienced at her +lips. + +"Anna is so surly, Archie," she said droopingly, "that I simply can't +cope with her. She is furious at the idea of being late at her class. +This was to be her great night, she says, as she was to sing _With +Verdure Clad_, and she seems indignant. I was kind though firm. I +insinuated--though I didn't say so--that her verdure would keep, and +that my dinner must be served properly." + +"Quite right, dear." + +"I felt it was a sort of crisis," Letitia continued, "a kind of tide in +the affairs of the household. Then her sister came, and I suggested that +if Anna liked, the girl could remain and wait at table." + +"But does she know how?" I asked. + +"What is there to know?" queried Letitia, with a tinge of annoyance. +"Anybody can wait at table. It is very simple. Anna seemed pleased, or, +rather, not displeased. But she is very sulky and I have arranged the +flowers on the table myself. I've never worked so hard in my life and I +feel quite tired out. But I realize, dear, that one must do something +useful--at least at the beginning of housekeeping. I have also placed +the _hors d'oeuvres_ on the table. It all looks very charming." + +"Poor Letitia!" I exclaimed, stroking her hair, "I hate the idea of your +laboring. You mustn't do it again. I have no doubt but that Anna could +have done it all, but as she was so cross you were right to heap coals +of fire on her head. She is probably remorseful enough by this time." + +"No," Letitia remarked thoughtfully, "I don't believe that Anna has a +remorseful nature. The colored disposition--I mean by that the +disposition of the colored people--is peculiar, Archie. When we have +quite settled down, I shall study Anna, psychologically." + +"In the meantime, dear," I said, airily jocular, "let us hope that the +_crème d'asperges_ won't be too psychological." + +Letitia looked a picture in blue _crêpe de chine_, with her beautiful +neck and shoulders emerging from one of those spidery lace effects that +render the masculine pen impotent. Her _trousseau_ contained so many +evening dresses that one might have imagined that our entire life was to +be spent at night, and that morning counted for absolutely nothing. Some +of the orchids, remaining from the table decorations, Letitia wore at +her bosom, and one exquisite American Beauty rose nestled in the golden +glories of her hair. + +"You see how economical I am, Archie," she said, "for instead of +throwing away the superfluous flowers, I wear them. Aunt Julia says that +the essence of good housekeeping consists in utilizing everything." + +We sat in the drawing-room to await Arthur Tamworth, and although we +both made an admirable feint of ease and nonchalance, it was so +obviously a feint that we gave it up, and simply killed time. Of course, +we were both accustomed to dinners and receptions--in fact, we had been +nourished on them. But other people's affairs are--other people's +affairs. This was ours, and our first, and there is no use concealing +the fact that we were both nervous. Letitia read Ovid, upside down, and +seemed to derive intellectual entertainment from it, judging by her +face. I merely looked out of the window, not to watch for Tamworth's +advent, but because the window seemed to be such a fitting place to look +out of. + +When the bell finally rang, Letitia had the decency to adjust Ovid, and +I stood by the fireplace in an unstudied, host-like way, with my hands +behind me, although there had never been any warmth in that fireplace +and never would be--as long as we had steam-heat for nothing. + +As we waited, a colored head and nothing more popped in at the door, +and the younger Miss Carter--for it must have been she--remarked: +"There's a man outside who wants to come in." + +"Never let any one in," I said sternly, for there had been an epidemic +of burglars, while suspicious characters simply prowled, seeking whom +they might devour. "Always keep the chain on the door." + +"He says he's come to dinner," remarked the colored head, with a +chuckle. + +Letitia jumped up as though shot. I felt myself redden. Under the +caption of "man" we had not recognized Arthur Tamworth. Of course, he +was a man in the best sense of the word, but the best sense of the word +is not polite society's. I rushed to the door in a fever, and unchained +it noisily. Arthur Tamworth stood outside looking just a trifle +annoyed--but not more annoyed than I was. + +"Come in, old chap," I said, with elaborate cordiality, "we were waiting +for you. The maid who opened the door was not our maid, you know--merely +her sister--and--er--" + +"That's all right, Fairfax," Arthur Tamworth declared, as he shook my +hand, "I didn't know what I had struck. Having, however, lived in New +York all my life, I know something about the ladies who help. Hope I'm +not late?" + +I insisted that this was Liberty Hall--a remark that is always supposed +to put all at their ease. Then I escorted him to the drawing-room where +Letitia stood, peerless in her blue diaphanous gown. Mr. Tamworth was so +engrossed with Letitia's appearance that he did not notice the +tiger-head, and tripping over it, fell at her feet. I assisted him to +rise and introduced him to my wife. His fall, however, had irritated him +a bit. He was much older than we were, being a somewhat portly person of +fifty summers, with iron-gray hair and a florid complexion. + +"I'm so sorry," said Letitia graciously, "Archie and I always fall over +that tiger-head, and have really grown to like it. But it is a stupid +thing--very much in the way." + +"I always think, Mrs. Fairfax," Mr. Tamworth remarked, rubbing his shin, +"that tiger-heads are meant to trip people up. And the worst of them is +that they are always so hard. They must be stuffed with rocks." + +Letitia's delightful manner, however, soon restored his equanimity. She +talked to him so gracefully, so appealingly, so irresistibly, that +Arthur Tamworth was under the spell of her presence long before we went +in to dinner. I felt proud of her as she held--in the palm of her hand, +as it were--this worldly, rotund person. The fate of my _Lives of Great +Men_ seemed to be settled. Mr. Tamworth did not wear evening dress, but +affected that horrible garb known as a "business suit," with a rude, +short coat. This annoyed me, as I was afraid that Letitia would think my +friend lacking in respect. In fact, she looked extremely surprised when, +just before we moved toward the dining-room, he said: "Had I known we +were going to the opera to-night, Mrs. Fairfax, I should have dressed. +But Archie did not tell me." + +"We are not going to the opera, Mr. Tamworth," Letitia responded, her +eyes betraying her astonishment. "Why should you think so?" Then, with a +charming determination to make him feel comfortable, she added: "Archie +and I dress for each other. I like him better than any audience at the +Metropolitan, and he has the same sort of regard for me." + +Wasn't it pretty? Mr. Tamworth remarked, "You're a lucky dog, Fairfax," +and then Letitia took his arm, and we set forth for the dining-room, +cheerful and expectant. I noticed that Tamworth took particular heed of +the tiger-head this time. The dignity of our march was also impaired by +the fact that the bathroom door stood wide open, and if it had not been +for Letitia's presence of mind, we should all have marched in. + +Nothing could have looked more fairy-like than the dining-room, except, +perhaps, fairy-land itself. Mr. Tamworth's face expanded in a pleasant +smile at the mere anticipation of the dinner that awaited him. The +orchids, framed in maiden-hair fern, were exquisite, and the roses in +long vases of opalescent glass were fragrant as well as beautiful. At +each place was a dainty menu-card, bearing misty little water-color +pictures. Mr. Tamworth's was called "Children at Play," which did not +seem appropriate, but was nevertheless neat and well-done. + +The _hors d'oeuvres_ passed off admirably. Letitia was lively, Mr. +Tamworth was wonderfully loquacious, and I sat and reveled in their +clever encounters of wit. Letitia and I scarcely touched the olives, and +the _anchois à l'huile_, but Mr. Tamworth seemed hungry, and partook of +them as though there were nothing to follow. Then Letitia touched a +little bell, and after what seemed an eternity the younger Miss Carter +appeared. I could not help gasping when I saw her. She wore a +coffee-colored dress with bright yellow ribbons, and nestling in her +woolly hair--in the style affected by Letitia--was a rose, most red and +artificial. On her face was a broad grin. I looked at Letitia, and saw +that she was flushed but endeavoring to overcome her vexation. +Tamworth's gaze appeared to be riveted upon the picture of "Children at +Play." + +"Will you take _consommé julienne_, or _crème d'asperges_?" asked +Letitia, nervously fingering her dinner-card, and trying to smile in an +unconcerned way upon Mr. Tamworth. + +Mr. Tamworth selected the _crème d'asperges_; so did Letitia and I. My +wife whispered to the Zulu in yellow: "Asparagus soup for everybody," +rather anxiously, and then turning to our guest tried to think of +something to say. I say, tried to think, because, at that moment, voices +were heard in the kitchen, which was as near to us as the bathroom. In +fact, the voices seemed as though they were in the dining-room. + +"They'll all take sparrowgrass soup," said the younger Miss Carter, with +a loud laugh. + +"Oh, they will, will they?" retorted the elder Miss Carter. "You jes' +ask 'em how they're a-goin to do it. They'll take what I've made, or +they'll leave it. I don't know nothin' about no sparrowgrass. She's +crazy, askin' for two different soups. Here. You take in them three +bowls o' veg., and no back talk. I'm sick and tired of this kind o' +monkey business. You bet I am. And just you hurry, Sylvia; we're +a-missin' all of our choruses, and--" + +By some horrid, demoniac freak of fate, we sat hatefully and +relentlessly silent. In vain I tried to think up some remark--be it ever +so banal--that would distract Tamworth's attention. I could see that +Letitia was in the same quandary. Not an idea lurked in my mind. Even +the weather failed. Each word from the kitchen reached us as though by +megaphone. Letitia's lip trembled, as she sat, apparently racking her +brain for something--anything--to say. It was too cruel. + +"Take in the veg. soup, and if you drop it I'll skin you," sang out Miss +Carter. + +Rescue came, but it was too late. "You really have a charming little +apartment, Mrs. Fairfax," said Arthur Tamworth diplomatically, "I don't +know when I've seen prettier appointments." + +A dainty soup-plate was placed before each of us by the grinning maiden. +Sylvia, if you please--Sylvia! It was "beef soup and vegetables" with a +vengeance. It stood in a solid mass in each plate and there seemed to be +everything in it but soup. It approached the spoon with glutinous +reluctance and appeared to be begging to be cut with a knife and put +quickly out of its misery. + +"Oh, I'm so sorry about the _crème d'asperges_," Letitia murmured, her +lips parched, and a fever spot on each cheek, "I suppose that she +didn't understand." + +"This is delicious, Mrs. Fairfax," said Arthur Tamworth nobly, "there is +nothing I like better than good _consommé julienne_. I really prefer it +to the other." + +We did not sip our soup, but we worked at it. It tasted like boiled +everything, served up with the water. There were nasty little flecks of +red and streaks of yellow in it. One expected anything, at each +spoonful. Not if I had been starving, could I have eaten it. Arthur +Tamworth plodded along laboriously, like a youth with his way to make in +the world, and Letitia, as hostess, evidently felt bound by the rules of +etiquette to do what she could. She had recovered her equanimity, +wonderful little girl! + +"As we were saying before dinner," she remarked, trying not to look at +the odious Sylvia, as she clattered away the plates, "the modern novel +does seem to have deteriorated. If you consider all these irritating +romances, so vastly inferior to the splendid imaginings of Dumas, you +must admit the weakness, the effeminacy of such efforts to-day. It +assuredly does seem as though all virility had departed from the modern +band of so-called romance-weavers--" + +Letitia's effort at "polite conversation" suddenly ceased. The _homard +naturel_ arrived and we could scarcely believe our eyes. Instead of the +splendid crustacean that we had anticipated--the glowing macrurous +delicacy that we had expected to see crouching in a juggle of +water-cress--a hideous can, with a picture of a lobster on it, was +placed before me. The can had been opened, and there, in poisonous +looking obsequiousness, lurked our _homard naturel_. + +"This is absurd," I said, and my voice shook. Tamworth was an old +friend, but sometimes old friends respond to insult, apparently +deliberate. + +"I--I--can't understand," Letitia managed to say. "What--what is it?" + +"Simply a can of lobster," replied Arthur Tamworth, with a pleasant +smile; "and very good it is, too, no doubt. Suppose you assist us, +Fairfax, and cease looking as though you had lost all your available +relatives, and your wife's as well." + +To say that I felt mortified was to put the matter mildly. The fact that +Tamworth was generously trying to make the best of things irritated me +the more. After all, at a little dinner, one does not want charity, even +though it be supposed to "begin at home." I was too overcome to eat, +though I saw Letitia frowning at me and noticed that she was partaking +liberally. I was so angry that I could have torn up my dinner-card. The +"Children at Play" on Tamworth's did not seem so awfully inappropriate, +after all. "Children Playing at Dinner" would have been more to the +point, though. + +"What are your views on the servant question, Mrs. Fairfax?" asked +Arthur Tamworth lightly, as he toyed with a piece of what looked like +brick-red india-rubber. "Do you know"--with a smile--"that I am studying +it? Positively I am." + +A look of freezing severity appeared on Letitia's face. In a voice +shiveringly Arctic, she asked: "What _is_ the servant question, Mr. +Tamworth? I have never heard of it. If you imagine--" + +"Not at all, Mrs. Fairfax, not at all"--he made the rejoinder +quickly--"I do not imagine that you will let it upset you. But, +honestly, it is one of the topics of the day." + +"With silly women, lacking in intellectuality," interposed my wife, with +the sublimest inflection of contempt that I have ever heard. "Brainless +women must talk about something. They have no interest in the life +beautiful and artistic. Rather than adopt a policy of silence which +would effectually cover their mental shortcomings, they discuss the +kitchen and food. At least, I am told that they do. Personally, I do +not know. I do not associate with them." + +Letitia was very busy with the cold mummy, masquerading before her as +_homard naturel_. She did not see the look of amusement on Arthur +Tamworth's face. I saw it, however, and it was gall and wormwood to me. +I hated to believe that he regarded Letitia as a joke. I had no sympathy +with jokes, except when I uttered them myself, as the spontaneous +bubbles of an exuberant spirit. + +"Seriously, Mrs. Fairfax," continued my guest, laying aside his fork +with a sigh of relief that seemed to say, "well done, thou good and +faithful servant"; "it is not only the brainless ladies who talk +servant. Why, some of the best people are contemplating a Women's +Domestic Guild. There is, for instance, Mrs. Russell Sage--" + +"Ha! Ha!" laughed Letitia. "Is she the best example you can find, Mr. +Tamworth? I have no doubt but that Mrs. Sage, at a pinch, could cook her +own dinner. Stew, probably, followed by baked apples. Really, Mr. +Tamworth--" + +"I read an interview with a Mrs. Joseph Healey, the other day," said Mr. +Tamworth placidly; "I cut it out. I think I have it with me. Ah, +yes"--rescuing a newspaper clipping from his pocket--"hark at this: +'Owing to the incompetency of servant girls, housekeepers, too, are +compelled, more and more, to buy cooked food for their tables. The +growth of the delicatessen business in recent years has been +startling--'" + +Letitia sat bolt upright, suddenly. The paragraph seemed to sear itself +into my brain. + +"'Many families,'" he went on, "'live almost continuously on ham and +potato salad, which is usually kept in an ice-box two or three days +until it is absolutely unfit to be eaten. The servant-girl question is, +therefore, not only breaking up the American home, but serving to break +down the national health.'" + +I tried to pretend that I was not looking at Letitia. Letitia tried to +pretend that she was not looking at me. The dual attempt was a failure. +We each knew that we were contemplating the other. + +"Perhaps it is true," said Letitia airily, "perhaps. At any rate, it +reads well in the newspapers, Mr. Tamworth. Sylvia"--to the Zulu--"you +can bring in the next course. It is _bifsteck aux pommes de terre_." + +When it arrived we would have given worlds to have been able to resume +our discussion. It was then that we really needed to talk--and it was +then that we couldn't! We could simply sit and gaze at the travesty. +Conversation, which should be so serviceable as a stop-gap, failed us +completely. All we could see was a sort of coal-black chest-protector on +a large dish, and some boiled potatoes swimming in water on another. + +"She didn't _soufflé_ the potatoes," murmured Letitia tremulously. + +"They are not even _maître d'hôtel_," I suggested feebly. + +"You see," said Letitia apologetically, as I hacked at the +chest-protector furiously, "Anna is in such a hurry to get to her +singing class that she is at a disadvantage--" + +"Singing class!" exclaimed Mr. Tamworth, laughing. "How funny! I must +make a note of it. I hope you don't mind, Mrs. Fairfax. You see, I'm +really studying--" + +"I do mind," retorted my wife quite irritably. "I quite see that we have +given you material for study. Still, it is disagreeable to reflect that +our little--" + +"My dear Mrs. Fairfax," he cried, genuinely distressed, "please believe +that I am not serious. I only want you to feel that I do not share your +annoyance. This--why, all this amuses me. It is interesting. It is +great. Look at my good friend, Fairfax, wearing an expression that +suggests Hamlet in his most melancholy moment. Why? I ask you, why?" + +"I--I--I'm glad you feel that way about it," said Letitia, with tears in +her eyes, "but--but perhaps, you are just pretending--to make me feel +comfortable." + +"It is good of you, old chap," I muttered, feeling as abject as though I +had just put out my hand for alms and Arthur had popped a nickel into +it. + +"How absurd!" he laughed. "Why, I'm a great diner-out, and I know all +about it, and--shall I read you a bit more about the Women's Domestic +Guild?" + +"I don't think I could stand it," Letitia said tremulously. "Sometime, +perhaps, Mr. Tamworth, but not to-night. There are still the +ices--_glaces aux fraises_. They can't be burnt. They can't be boiled in +water." + +_They_ were not. _They_ were brought on, in a dingy cardboard box, +marked with the name of the purveyor, and the legend: "Ice-cream +saloon--Columbus Avenue." _They_ appeared on the edge of Sylvia's +finger, balanced by a loop of tape. The cardboard box oozed and +perspired. The lid was stuck down. Pink splashes dripped. + +"Anna says to tell you," giggled the wide-mouthed Sylvia, "that she got +American ice-cream. The French is ten cents more, and there ain't no +difference." + +This time Arthur Tamworth laughed without an apology. Probably he had a +sense of humor, and thought it funny to see my poor little exquisitely +attired wife, sitting at the head of her orchid-laden table, and +confronted with a question of "ten cents more." That is exactly what a +sense of humor achieves. Again, I protest that it is a curse. Mute +sympathy would have been more endurable than loud mirth. + +Letitia left us while we smoked. She did not go to the drawing-room, +but--as I learned afterward--retired to her bedroom to weep. When we +joined her later, her eyes were red and swollen. She had lowered the +lights, so that this fact should not be too glaringly evident. We sat +and talked. I will do Arthur Tamworth the justice to say that he was +quite unperturbed and made strenuous efforts to be entertaining. But the +tone of our conversation suggested a house of mourning. Absolute failure +had benumbed us into a sort of mental paralysis. I kept looking at the +clock--longing for my guest to go. Letitia yawned persistently, although +she made brave efforts to appear alert. But he stayed until eleven +o'clock, and when he did go, remarked, with what I thought ill-timed +irony, "I've had a delightful time." + +"Never--never have I felt so small," Letitia almost sobbed, as soon as +we were alone. "And, Archie, I feel so ill, too. That brutal lobster--I +_had_ to eat it, and it won't digest. Capped by the terrible beef-steak, +it has nearly done for me." + +"Why did you eat it?" I asked querulously, "I didn't." + +"If a hostess can't eat her own food, who can?" she demanded furiously. +"I would have eaten it, if ptomaine germs had arisen from it, and +introduced themselves. I hope I know my duty, and I hope that I am not +weak enough to shirk it. Mr. Tamworth ate a lot of it." + +"He'll die in the night," I suggested cheerfully, "and then good-by to +my _Lives of Great Men_. It was not _homard naturel_. It was unnatural. +That being the case, you might have refused it, Letitia. It would have +been excusable." + +"We won't argue the matter, Archie," she retorted, "I have my own ideas +of what is right. To place food before an inoffensive person--though I +consider your partner was a trifle offensive--and then reject it +yourself, is not quite etiquette." + +"Would you eat it again to-morrow, under the same circumstances?" + +Letitia shuddered. "Yes," she said promptly. Then, "No. Yes, I would. +No, I wouldn't. Really, I can't say, Archie. What is the use of +suggesting such an impossible case? I think I would eat it. But I don't +think I could." + +"Poor old girl!" I remarked sympathetically. "We'll try and forget it. I +don't know how I shall dare to go to the office to-morrow, though. I +dare say that Tamworth won't be there. He'll be in bed. I thought he +looked rather feverish just before he left, didn't you, Letitia? His +gaiety seemed a bit forced, and I noticed once or twice that he gasped +as though he were in pain." + +"The Women's Domestic Guild!" laughed Letitia scornfully. "A nice +subject to bring up at a dinner party! I call it indecent--like washing +one's soiled linen in public. Of course, there are old frumps who like +that kind of topic." + +"Aunt Julia?" I suggested. + +"I did not mean Aunt Julia, Archie. She is not an old frump, though I +admit that it was from her lips that I first heard servant question. +However--I wonder if we have any ginger in the house, Archie? You shall +mix me a little. It might ward off an attack. Perhaps a little weak +whisky and water will be better." + +"I'm so sorry, dear," I said. "We have discovered one thing, however. It +is the utter incompetency of Anna. Out of the house she goes to-morrow. +Once bit, twice shy. What do you say, Letitia?" + +"Will you tell her, Archie? I'm afraid I shan't feel well enough." + +"Tell her? Why, of course," I answered, nobly emphatic. "I only wish she +were here now, while I have this strenuous mood upon me. Tell her? Well, +I guess so." + +In fact, we both believed that Miss Carter was simply waiting to be +told. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + +"What _can_ have happened, Archie?" cried Letitia excitedly next +morning, as she entered the cubby-hole that I called my dressing-room +and interrupted my shaving. Her face was pale and her eyes shone. "There +is no breakfast laid, and--there is no Anna. I went to her room and +found that she had not slept there. Evidently she did not return last +night. Something dreadful must have occurred." + +I put my razors carefully away, with the deliberation that great men +note at moments of calamity and distress. Then I followed Letitia to the +dining-room, where there was disorderly testimony to the accuracy of her +information. Nothing even suggested breakfast. In fact, the remains of +last night's parody on dinner confronted us and evidently declined to +seek oblivion. Letitia looked aghast at the débris, but as I had just +left myself enough time to dally with the matutinal bacon and tea, I +could not repress my extreme annoyance. I could not--and I did not. + +"But, Archie," said Letitia, noting my vexation, "while it is most +irritating to find no breakfast, one must not forget that there is a +graver problem. Where is Anna? She is a human being, Archie. We must +accord her some slight consideration, even though she treated us so +badly last night. She must"--Letitia's voice sank to a whisper--"she +must have met with foul play." + +"I doubt it, Letitia"--I felt awfully surly--"she is not the sort." + +"Nonsense!" exclaimed Letitia angrily. "She was an attractive girl--of +her kind. You may not admire her, but colored people would. It isn't +only homely girls who meet foul play. The newspapers always insist that +every woman who is murdered, or waylaid, is lovely, but that is only to +make the story readable. I've often thought, Archie, that the only +chance many girls have to be called beautiful is to be murdered. Have +you ever heard of a typewriter girl who has come to grief, and who +wasn't beautiful? I haven't. Some of them are regular old crows, but as +soon as they reach the newspapers they are transfigured. Crime seems to +be a great beautifier. Anna may have been made away with. If so, we +shall read that she was a dazzlingly charming mulatto." + +"In the meantime, dear," I said patiently, "what shall we do for +breakfast? Everything seems tragic, you know, on an empty stomach." + +"If I only knew how to make tea!" sighed Letitia reflectively. "I've +often seen Aunt Julia make it, but I quite forget if you heat the +tea-leaves and pour water over them, or if you boil them in a saucepan. +Oh, how foolish I was to neglect these trifles! But I never thought I +should ever have to make tea." + +We were in the kitchen, where the remains of last night's mock-dinner +were even more glaringly apparent. It was sickening, in the dewy morn, +to see the soiled dishes and the encumbered plates. There was the piece +of lobster that Arthur Tamworth left. There was my soup, in a cold, +coagulated mass, on the table. There was the _bifsteck aux pommes_, +stark before us. Letitia, in a pink _peignoir_ covered with lace, tried +to flit around, but there was no room to flit in. I experienced a horrid +sense of nausea, and felt willing to abandon breakfast. Fortunately, we +were both young, and had not reached that downward grade leading to a +placid enjoyment of breakfast. It is only the more than middle-aged who +find keen physical satisfaction in the early kipper. To the young in +spirit, the morning meal is but a tradition, followed with a certain +amount of sycophancy. + +We found some milk and eggs in unexpected places and, as I was in a +hurry, we made a hasty breakfast. Letitia boiled the tea in a saucepan, +and in an ecstasy of originality, suggested that we cook the eggs in +that receptacle at the same time. It was not what one might call an +artistic meal. The tea tasted like ink, and the sweet disposition of the +egg was cooked out of all semblance of its own wistful, appealing +nature. + +"You mustn't leave me in this unsettled state, Archie," said Letitia +nervously. "I couldn't stand it, dear. I--I feel quite upset. We must +look through the papers and see if anything has happened to Anna. And +perhaps it would be a good thing to notify the authorities. Who are the +authorities, in a case like this, Archie? Not the mayor, I suppose, or +the aldermen; not--er--the coroner?" + +"Police headquarters, I should say"--a little doubtfully. + +"Of course, she may come in at any moment," Letitia suggested, glancing +rather timidly over her left shoulder. "I quite dread it. Perhaps she +will return with a battered face, or bleeding profusely from a wound. It +would be annoying to notify--er--the--Policeman's Home, did you +say?--until we are reasonably sure. There must be some penalty for +uttering false alarms. Sit down, Archie, and I'll just run through the +papers." + +I began to realize that Letitia was veritably wrought up, and that it +was no use contemplating my routine at the office until some light had +been shed upon the seemingly untimely fate of Miss Carter. So I obeyed +Letitia and sat down, while she, somewhat feverishly, took up the +morning papers and plunged into their labyrinthine recesses. + +"'Girl decapitated by Trolley Car,'" she read slowly. "Let us see now: +'The sight seemed to infuriate the mob--car struck her in the left +leg--beautiful blonde.' That settles it, doesn't it? It couldn't be +Anna. The papers will certainly call her singularly beautiful, but no +reporter, whatever his political or religious conviction, could describe +her as a blonde. Ah, here we are. This certainly seems to fit: 'Woman +Drops Dead in L Station--Sitting bolt upright in an elevated railroad +station in Brooklyn, a woman whose identity had not been discovered by +the police last night'--Archie, put on your things, and go to Brooklyn." + +"Is there nothing more, Letitia?" I asked, for I loathe Brooklyn. + +She continued, moistening her lips: "'The surgeons unable to revive +her--Coma followed by death--Very handsome, elegantly dressed woman, +golden hair--' Well, evidently," said Letitia, and it really seemed to +me as though she were disappointed, "it can't be Anna. You had better +not go to Brooklyn, after all, Archie. Here's something else. Really +the newspapers are full of clues. 'Idiot Girl Found Wandering By +River--'" + +"Read on, Letitia," I cried, "that certainly does sound promising." + +"'Half-witted girl discovered near the Harlem River, beneath the bridge, +at One-Hundred-and-Fifty-fifth Street--singing snatches of +song--muttering to herself.' The singing appears to point to Anna, don't +you think, dear? Poor girl! Perhaps she was an idiot, after all, and we +have been thinking such cruel things of her, just because she couldn't +grapple with _crème d'asperges_ and _bifsteck aux pommes_. Let us see: +'She fought desperately with the police officer--burst into fiendish +laughter--threw back her veil, revealing dazzling beauty, dark hair, and +face of almost appalling pallor--' That can't be Anna. I suppose that +colored people feel pallor, but they certainly can't show it, can they? +Here's something else: 'Scores Killed and Many Maimed in Wreck Horror.' +Here's a long list of the unfortunates, but--the wreck occurred on the +Illinois Central Cannon Ball Train, eighty-three miles from New +Orleans." + +"I am afraid, Letitia, that nothing has happened to her," I said +hopelessly. "I mean by that, of course, that I am afraid we shan't +discover anything in the newspapers." + +"Isn't it exasperating?" + +"Isn't what exasperating?" I asked. "You mean it is annoying that Anna +wasn't decapitated by the trolley car, maimed in the wreck, or dead in +the L station?" + +"You are unkind, Archie," said Letitia, with tears in her eyes, "and I +don't think this is a happy moment for joking. Of course you must be +joking when you suggest that I am upset because--Anna hasn't had her +head cut off. It isn't nice of you, dear. But I imagine that you are not +quite yourself. This sort of thing does unhinge one. I wonder what we +had better do? No, you can't and shan't go down-town, and leave me to +receive Anna, perhaps dead on a shutter, or wet from the river, with +weeds in her hair, like Ophelia; or--" + +"They wouldn't bring her here, dear," I ventured, and this time I tried +to be soothing, for I could see that Letitia was distraught. "They would +take her to the morgue." + +"Ugh!" she shuddered. "The morgue always sounds so creepy and damp. I +can't associate it with Anna, who was so alive last night." + +"And so disagreeable." + +"Hush, Archie. _De mortuis_--you know the rest--and perhaps she is among +the _mortuis_. I think I shall go to my room, remain there in silence +for ten minutes, and try to impress Aunt Julia telepathically. She could +advise us, and perhaps if she knows of the plight that we are in, she +might--" + +"Aunt Julia!" I cried enthusiastically, "why not talk to her over the +telephone? She is at Tarrytown now, and we can reach her. She is a very +sensible and level-headed old lady. She is most practical. I dare say +she could suggest things that would never occur to us." + +"Perhaps," assented Letitia coldly. "As you say, she is very sensible. +As you imply--I am not. By all means, let us consult Aunt Julia." + +Poor Letitia was very inclined to be fractious, and everything I said +appeared to tell against me. But I had no desire to add to her +difficulties, and I explained to her what I meant. Aunt Julia was an old +housekeeper and perchance in her long experience she had known this +agony of the vanishing cook. If so, she would undoubtedly give us the +results of her experience, and this might be of some service to us in +our dilemma. It was worth trying at any rate. + +"You ring her up, Archie," said Letitia, appeased, as we approached the +instrument. "A man always sounds more important at the telephone." + +"Not in a matter of cook, dear," I protested. "Aunt Julia will think I +am an awful molly-coddle, if I ring her up in such a cause. No, Letitia, +I will stand by you; I will not leave you until the matter is settled. +But it is far preferable for you to ring up Aunt Julia. It is a +household matter, isn't it, dear? I'll stay here, and--hold your hand, +if you like. Now, ask for her number, and--don't be nervous." + +I held Letitia's hand, which was very cold and moist, and we stood +waiting to effect a communication with Mrs. Dinsmore at Tarrytown. It +seemed endless, and all the time Letitia appeared to be nervously +expecting an interruption--probably in the form of Anna, either dead or +alive, preferably the former. + +"Good morning, Jane," I heard Letitia say at last, tremulously; "will +you please ask Mrs. Dinsmore to step to the 'phone? Thank you so much. +Yes, I'll hold the wire." Pause. Letitia held the wire, and I held her +hand. Then again: "Aunt Julia, this is Letitia--Letitia Fairfax, your +niece. Yes. Oh, yes, Aunt Julia, I'm quite well, but something dreadful +has happened. No. Archie is very well. It's about Anna Carter, the cook +you got for us. Yesterday we gave a little dinner to Archie's partner, +Mr. Tamworth. At least, I should say we intended giving a little +dinner. We gave something, but I don't know what it was. Anna was very +surly, and disagreeable, and to-day she has disappeared. We were not +unkind to her; we drove her to nothing at all. We intended discharging +her, but she has vanished. We are in a dreadful state, imagining all +sorts of awful things. Archie thought I had better call you up, before +he went to police headquarters. Archie"--turning to me, with horror in +her face--"I believe I hear Aunt Julia laughing." + +At the telephone again: "Have the East River dragged? No, we never +thought of that. Why are you laughing, Aunt Julia? Yes, I heard you +laughing. Allow you to have a good time? If you _can_ have a good time, +at our expense, you are at liberty to do so. Archie"--turning to +me--"she says, 'Don't get huffy.' I don't know what she means. She has +just said we are a couple of fools, and ought to be spanked and put to +bed. Yes, Aunt Julia, I hear you. Yes. What? Will never come back? They +often, in fact, generally, go away like that when they don't like a +place? You are joking, Aunt Julia. I don't believe it. Wouldn't she, for +the sake of decency, and in the interests of common courtesy, tell us +that she was not going to return? Yes, I did look at her room, and I +saw no trunk or clothes. Yes. No. What do you say? Archie"--reverting to +me--"Aunt Julia says that you must be a nincompoop." + +"Thank her, Letitia," I murmured, unable to keep back the flush that +mounted to my forehead. "Tell her we want advice, and not abuse." + +Letitia, at the telephone: "Archie says that we want advice and not +abuse, Aunt Julia, and I must say that I agree with him. Amusing? I +don't think so, at all. I call it tragic. Forget it, and hustle for +another cook? If I only thought, Aunt Julia, that the case was as simple +as that I should feel extremely relieved. Thank you. No, don't come +in--please don't. I am quite capable of hustling, and Archie is here. +No. Really, Aunt Julia, I wish you wouldn't call him an ass. You must +remember that he is my husband. Even if he is an ass--which I am not +admitting--you have no right to tell me so." + +"You seem to imply, Letitia," I interrupted, much hurt, "that although +you don't admit I'm an ass, I really might be one." + +Letitia did not hear my little protest, but continued: "Yes, I will. Did +you say intelligence office? Yes, I hear. Is there one in New York? Oh, +thank you, Aunt Julia. It sounds so easy, and even delightful. One goes +there and just selects a cook from a whole gathering of them? Aunt +Julia, you have saved our lives. You think we are quite justified in +believing that Anna has merely left, and has not met with foul play. How +_should_ we know? After all, if she had told us, we shouldn't have +detained her. We didn't want to detain her. Quite usual? I can't credit +that, Aunt Julia. You must be a pessimist. No, don't come into town, +dear. If we need you, we'll wire. Yes, otherwise all is well. No, there +is no hitch. Good-by." + +She hung up the receiver, her face wreathed with smiles, and placing her +hands on my shoulders, tip-toed and kissed me. + +"Oh, I'm so glad, Archie," she cried, "that this horrible possibility of +crime has been dispersed by Aunt Julia. She says that it is quite the +thing in New York for a cook to vanish instantly, almost as though she +had been conjured away. It is the etiquette of cooks, Aunt Julia says. +And the delightful uncertainty of their return, every time they go out +for a stroll, makes life exciting." + +"I can't see anything to be pleased about, Letitia," I said rumblingly, +for after all Aunt Julia had treated me rather badly at the telephone. +"I would almost as soon know that Anna had met foul play, as to realize +that _we_ have. We certainly have. We have been disgracefully treated +by that Zulu. And you seem charmed. At any rate we should have thought +better of her, if we knew that she couldn't come back, simply because +she had been murdered." + +"Oh, Archie, I'm shocked," declared Letitia in a pained voice. "Such +bloodthirsty sentiments! Positively, dear, I feel as though a weight had +been lifted from my shoulders. I didn't tell you what I really feared. I +thought that perhaps she was vexed with me for not letting her arrange +the flowers yesterday, and that, brooding over this, she might have +committed suicide. Yes, I thought of that, Archie, and of what a life of +remorse would mean to both of us. That was my dread, and now Aunt Julia +has removed it, and I feel so deeply grateful." + +"Perhaps you are right, old girl," I assented, cheering up, "things +might be worse. They are bad enough, though, for if Anna marches off at +a moment's notice like that, then they will all probably do the same +thing." + +"But we shan't think that they have met with foul play," Letitia +announced triumphantly. "We shall know that they haven't, and we shan't +worry. That is what I like about it. Oh, Archie, I'm so glad. You can go +down-town, now, and earn your daily bread. And I shall hie me +immediately to--er--what did Aunt Julia call it?--an intelligence +office and choose a brand-new cook, somebody nice--" + +"To wear the cap with the olive-green ribbons?" + +"That later, perhaps," she replied, with a bright smile. "I shan't +insist upon it, quite at once, Archie. I never knew about these +intelligence offices. What a splendid idea! Fancy being able to go to a +sort of convention of cooks, select one that appeals to you, and bring +her home. Isn't it clever? Certainly New York is the town for novelty +and inventiveness. London and Paris are not in it. How London would open +its sleepy old eyes at the notion of an intelligence office! I suppose +it has never even heard of such a thing." + +"I must be off, Letitia. I am dreadfully late, and--" + +"Good-by, old boy. When you come back to-night, you'll find everything +more satisfactory. For we'll have a cook, and a good one, and--the +thought of Anna will be just a horrid nightmare and nothing more." + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + +My prediction was fulfilled. Arthur Tamworth did not appear at the +office. Instead, he telephoned from his house, that, owing to a slight +indisposition, he would remain at home for the day. The clerks were +mystified, as Mr. Tamworth had never been known to absent himself from +his business. To me, of course, it was clear as a pikestaff and grimly I +declined to discuss the matter with the bookkeeper. I had an odiously +guilty feeling, and in the matter of "secrets" it seemed to me that I +could give Lady Audley points. The day dragged horribly. I was weighted +down by my dreary knowledge, and as I sat at my desk, the various +courses of our distinctly coarse and brutal dinner passed before my mind +in lugubrious procession. I felt as Mathias must have done in _The +Bells_ with the odious souvenir of the lime-kiln on his conscience. +However, in exultant optimism, I argued that this little "set-back" +already belonged to the past, and I resolved to keep Tamworth's pitiful +plight from Letitia, unless he died, victim of my hospitality. By the +time I reached our apartment I had driven all these tantalizing +thoughts from my mind, and when Letitia met me with a smile of +affectionate welcome the past had been pushed back to its proper place. + +"Sh!" said Letitia mysteriously, with a finger on her lips, as we went +to the drawing-room, "I've got her, Archie. She's in the kitchen +preparing dinner, and--and--you'll never guess, dear, so I may as well +tell you the news. She--she used to be with the Vanderbilts!" + +My wife was all excitement. There was a flush on her face, and I had +never seen her look prettier. She was dressed for dinner, in still +another evening gown, all white. There were forget-me-nots in her hair, +and at her bosom. Letitia spoke in a whisper, as though she were afraid +that a mere voice would startle the latest acquisition. Her enthusiasm, +however, was contagious, and as she followed me to my dressing-room, +where I quickly exchanged my business clothes for discreet broadcloth, I +began to share her gay anticipation. + +"Yes," she continued eagerly, "I went to the intelligence office and +subscribed. At first, Archie, I felt most mortified. A dozen servant +girls sat there, like at a minstrel show. They seemed to be quite +lacking in old-fashioned respect and were not a bit abashed in the +presence of prospective mistresses. They talked and laughed, and I could +have sworn that they were criticising _me_. I tried not to hear them, +but I know--yes, Archie, I know--that one girl, with a face that I shall +never forget, meant me, when she remarked to a friend, 'She's a fool and +I'm not taking any, thanks. I hate a fool.' Of course, I pretended not +to notice, but--" + +Letitia reddened and seemed to forget her present satisfaction in the +thought of her recent humiliation. She went on: "Fortunately, I was not +the only one who needed a cook. At least fifty ladies were there, +looking strangely desperate. One of them spoke to me, most +impertinently, I thought. She was a stout matron and she said to me, +very rudely: 'Is this your first time in hell?' I didn't answer her, and +she smiled and passed on. I heard her tell the proprietress of the +office that she had a bicycle with a coaster brake, that she was +willing, if necessary, to place at the disposal of her cook, but that, +personally, she would prefer a cook who played the piano. I also heard +her say that she, herself, would do all the work for two hours each +morning while cook practised." + +"Was it a lunatic asylum, or an intelligence office?" I asked, as I +knotted my tie. + +"Oh, it really was an intelligence office," Letitia replied seriously. +"I thought that I must have made a mistake at first, and arrived at a +wrong address. It was all so odd. The ladies seemed to be cooks and the +cooks seemed to be ladies. Really, Archie"--with a laugh--"it was quite +like a Gilbert and Sullivan opera, without music. I heard one lady tell +Mrs. Jones, the proprietress, that she was quite willing to allow her +husband to take cook to the theater once a week, but she stipulated that +cook should not ask to go to the Metropolitan Opera House on Wagner +nights." + +"Come, Letitia," I said impatiently, "I dare say you mean to be funny, +but I do hope, dear, that you are not going to develop a sense of humor. +You know my views on that subject." + +"But, Archie, this is all true. It is, honest Injun. I am as much +mystified as you are. I thought I was dreaming, or at the theater. I +couldn't realize that it was genuine. Fortunately for me, Mrs. Jones +attended to me immediately. Just after I had heard the conversation +about the Metropolitan Opera House on Wagner nights, an old, rather +melancholy looking person came in. Mrs. Jones jumped up and said: +'Here's the very thing for you, Mrs. Fairfax.' And before I knew it, I +was on my way home with a cook who had been with the Vanderbilts. Her +name, Archie, is Mrs. Potzenheimer. She's German." + +"So I should judge," I murmured. "Potzenheimer! Good gracious, Letitia!" + +"What does the name matter, you silly boy? That which we call a +Potzenheimer, etcetera. Think of our luck, dear. On the way home, I +remembered Aunt Julia's suggestion always to ask for references. I had +quite forgotten all about it, stupid-like. Mrs. Potzenheimer looked very +sad and weary, poor soul. She told me that Mrs. Vanderbilt would be +delighted to give her a reference, but that at present she was in +England, visiting the Duchess of Marlborough." + +I'm not a snob, not a bit of one. I'm a democrat to the roots of my +hair. Still, as this reflected glory shed itself upon me, I felt a +strange sense of elation. + +"Which of the Vanderbilts was it?" I asked. + +"How provoking you are, Archie!" exclaimed Letitia impatiently. "Isn't +any Vanderbilt good enough for us--to get a cook from? Suppose it were +Alfred, or Reginald, or William K. Vanderbilt. What difference does it +make? I was so overjoyed that I felt positively pleased to hear that +Mrs. Vanderbilt was with the Duchess of Marlborough. If she had been +here I should have deemed it my duty to call upon her for a reference, +and--you know what these people are--it might have been a bad one. +Absolutely, I'd sooner have a bad Vanderbilt cook, than a good ordinary, +plain affair." + +"There is something in what you say, old girl," I was bound to assent. + +"If _you_ think so, dear, I am quite satisfied," Letitia responded +readily. "But there is one thing about Mrs. Potzenheimer--by-the-by, she +suggests that we call her Nellie--that troubles me. She says she never +wants to go out." + +"And that troubles you!" I exclaimed, astonished. "I should think you +would be rejoiced. We shall feel so much safer in the knowledge that +Mrs. Potzen--Nellie--is always in the kitchen." + +"But it is so sad, Archie," persisted Letitia. "When I asked her what +night she would like to go out, she burst out crying. She said she had +nowhere to go--that she was old, and that nobody cared for her. She wept +for ten minutes, and I think--I'm not sure, Archie--that I joined her. +Poor old soul! My first impulse was to ask her to come in and sit with +us--" + +"Letitia!" + +"I said 'my first impulse,'" she went on firmly. "I never act on first +impulses, and I did not do so this time. Just the same, I felt sorry +for cook. Perhaps she will get chummy with the servants in other +apartments. She seems so respectable and dresses neatly in black. A more +striking contrast to Anna Carter could scarcely be imagined. She is +extremely quiet, and sits down a good deal. Each time I have seen her +she has been 'resting her bones' as she calls it. Isn't it pitiful, +Archie, to think of such a woman being forced to earn her living, +instead of passing her days in a little cottage with honeysuckle all +over it--" + +"But there are none in New York, dear." + +"You needn't be so disgustingly literal, Archie," Letitia protested with +a pout. "I say that it is a pity she can't pass her days in a little +cottage with honeysuckle all over it, and with her grandchildren grouped +around her knee." + +"Is she so fearfully old?" I asked in alarm. + +"One needn't be disgracefully antique to have grandchildren," my wife +declared. "You are so old-fashioned, dear. You revel in pictures of +white-haired, toothless, old creatures when you hear of grandmothers. If +my grandmother were alive to-day she would be just fifty-three. She +married at sixteen." + +"They always do, nowadays," I retorted cynically. "Sixteen seems to be +the age for women to marry at when they intend to become grandmothers." + +"Hush!" cried Letitia, for at that moment Mrs. Potzenheimer came in to +tell us that dinner was served. Most aged and infirm was Mrs. +Potzenheimer, and I looked at her in amazement. She was slightly lame +and her face was wizened and pinched. Her eyes filled with tears as she +told us that dinner was ready. I had felt ravenously hungry, but the +sight of the new domestic nipped my pangs. Not being wholly bad, a +feeling of compassion took possession of me. A horrid idea that I should +be waiting on cook, instead of cook waiting on me, almost overwhelmed +me. + +Our places were laid, but the table had no other decoration than a +bottle of Worcestershire sauce on a little mat in the middle. Never have +I seen a bottle of Worcestershire look so funereally lonely. Robinson +Crusoe on his desert island was a crowd in comparison. We sat down, +depressed and gloomy. I felt that like the dove on the mast--in the +song--I must "mourn, and mourn, and mourn." + +"I wonder if this table decoration is a duplicate of Mrs. Vanderbilt's," +I murmured, as I unfolded my table-napkin. + +"It _is_ strange," Letitia agreed, in a whisper. "I can't understand +why she has 'starred' the Worcestershire sauce. It is really such an +ugly thing, with the brick-red label and the crude stopper." + +"Perhaps there are some tenement-house Vanderbilts," I suggested +moodily. + +"I told you, Archie," Letitia insisted, "that the Mrs. Vanderbilt who +employed Nellie is at present visiting the Duchess of Marlborough at +Blenheim Castle, so that settles it. She particularly said Blenheim +Castle." + +Mrs. Potzenheimer brought in a seething dish of mutton stew, that +emitted a fragrant odor. She set it down with a heavy sigh. I noticed a +tear trickling down her cheek, and so did Letitia, for I saw my wife's +face grow serious. It was very good stew, indeed. If we could have +called it a _ragoût_, we should have felt more at ease. It was a stew, +however, and, with the best of intentions, it was impossible even to +think of it as anything else. + +"She is much older than you implied, Letitia," I said, as cook limped +out of the room and we began dinner. "She really seems positively +decrepit." + +Letitia sat looking at her food rather wistfully. "It is the electric +light, I think," she whispered--the constant whispering made me +nervous--"I admit, Archie, that she looks twenty years older, lighted +up. In the daytime I put her down as forty. But you know, dear, I +engaged her in such a hurry that I couldn't be quite sure. It does seem +cruel to allow such an old woman--" + +"Well, dear,"--I was growing cheerful in the material comfort of the +moment,--"we don't force her to do it. She evidently wanted a position, +or you wouldn't have found her at the intelligence office." + +"She was crying when she brought in the stew." Letitia's lip quivered +ominously. + +"Why should she cry?" I asked with asperity--I carefully turned on the +asperity in order to combat Letitia's weakness. "Why should she cry? She +naturally expects to cook. It can't be a surprise to her. She must know +that she isn't here just as an ornament, or--" + +"You are so hard, Archie," Letitia faltered. "You can sit there and +enjoy a dinner cooked by a poor old soul. Of course, I'm glad you enjoy +it. It is better so. But still--I can't touch it. She has unnerved me. +She must be thinking of her loved ones." + +"You said she hadn't any." + +"I didn't!" cried Letitia indignantly. "I said nothing of the sort. I +said she ought to be with her grandchildren, and so she ought. I dare +say she has dozens of grandchildren. Germans always have. It is their +custom. I suppose they don't want her--the wretches--as she has nowhere +to go. And she seems so inoffensive and simple." + +"Do try and eat, Letitia," I urged. "You make me feel so greedy. Don't +be angry, dear, but don't you think it's a bit far-fetched? You engage a +cook with your eyes open, and then you won't touch the food she prepares +because she is old. She was just as old this morning." + +"It isn't her age exactly," Letitia explained hesitantly, "but I can't +bear to see a human being in tears. Who are we that we should distress a +nice old woman so poignantly? What right have we to do it?" + +I did not answer, for I thought that Letitia was a trifle exaggerated. +However, she made a brave effort to dine, and being young and healthy, I +was glad to notice that the succulent stew overcame her sentimental +regrets. I fancy that she felt a little better after she had partaken of +nourishment. Still, it was with great reluctance that she rang the bell, +and as Mrs. Potzenheimer ambled in, Letitia was distinctly nervous. We +tried to talk lightly during the removal of the dishes, but it was +impossible. Mrs. Potzenheimer's eyes were suffused and she sighed +stertorously. It was a long time before she emerged from the kitchen +with a rice pudding. I observed that one of her thumbs was almost hidden +in the pudding and this rather encouraged me, for I thought that it +would vex Letitia and stem the tide of her ill-advised sympathy. +Letitia, however, was studying Mrs. Potzenheimer's face and not her +thumb. It is my opinion that cook's entire hand could have been +submerged 'neath the rice and Letitia would never have noticed it. So I +called her attention to my unappetizing discovery. + +"If she did that in Mrs. Vanderbilt's house," I said sternly, "no wonder +that lady has fled to the Duchess of Marlborough, and to rice puddings +_minus_ thumbs." + +"I fail to see that there is anything particularly criminal in a thumb," +Letitia retorted. "It is not the thumb of an outsider. She made the +pudding herself with her own hands and thumbs. Don't be so exasperating, +Archie. Oh, yes, I know that it isn't nice, and that it's very bad form. +But I shan't tell her about it. I'm not going to add to her burden. +Evidently, she feels her position--" + +"And our rice pudding--" + +"--very acutely. She seems to me like a woman who has known better days. +Probably the Vanderbilts treat their inferiors very badly. There is +nothing like the insolence and the superciliousness of people of that +class. It shall be my endeavor to show her the difference. I shall go +out of my way to be sweet and soothing to her. She feels strange, of +course. You can go into the drawing-room and smoke there to-night. I +shall go and see that Nellie is comfortable." + +It was no use arguing. I went to the drawing-room, discontentedly +enough, and broke the rules of the house by smoking there. It was with +Letitia's permission, to be sure, but I felt uneasy. It was the thin end +of the wedge, and I hated to think of the whole wedge. My nerves were on +edge and I could settle to nothing. I kept fancying I heard Mrs. +Potzenheimer sobbing, and Letitia soothing her, with a "There now!" Even +the unsatisfied yearning sensation that had succeeded Anna Carter's +delicatessen dinner was better than this. We seemed to have engaged +trouble, at big wages, and the thought was maddening. If Letitia +Potzenheimered every night after dinner, what would become of me, I +selfishly wondered. Of course, I had my _Lives of Great Men_, but just +at present mere greatness "riled" me. The very thought of greatness +evaporated in reflections upon Mrs. Potzenheimer. + +The clock struck nine, and still I sat smoking in solitary silence. I +picked up Letitia's Cicero, open at _De Senectute_, and it seemed +ominous. "Neither gray hairs nor wrinkles," I read, "can suddenly catch +respect; but the former part of life, honorably spent, reaps the fruit +of authority at the close. For these very observances, which seem light +and common--" + +I shut the book with a bang. In sudden irritation I wondered how Letitia +could read such rubbish. Yes, rubbish, I asserted in mental indignation. +Thank goodness that my wife didn't hear me, and that nobody heard me. My +mood was surely no excuse for an insult hurled at the sacred memory of +Cicero, amiably addressing Titus Pomponius Atticus. How could Letitia +toboggan from Cicero to Mrs. Potzenheimer? + +It was just ten o'clock when my wife joined me. She looked very tired +and I saw that she had been weeping. This touched me, and the hasty +words that my lips had formed remained unsaid. + +"She is asleep," said Letitia gently. "She literally cried herself to +sleep, Archie. I insisted that she should go to bed and let me take her +in a little dinner. She managed to eat some stew and some rice pudding. +Her appetite was really good. In fact"--with a smile "she ate more than +both of us together. But I fancy she did it to please me. She saw that I +was genuinely distressed." + +"You shouldn't have let her see it, Letitia," I protested. + +"How could I help it?"--reproachfully. "She told me a good deal about +herself. She has no grandchildren. Don't interrupt, Archie. She has no +grandchildren for the very good reason that she had no children. She was +married many years, but never had--anything! Isn't it odd, dear, for a +German? She always had to earn her own living. She was a nurse girl at +seven. How sad to think of it!" + +"What did she say about the Vanderbilts?" I repeat that I am not a snob, +but one can't help being curious. + +"She doesn't like to talk about them, Archie. I don't know why. I +imagine that they must be very hard to get along with. But she did say +that the Duchess of Marlborough was crazy to take her to England. +However, she wouldn't go; she was too old, she said, and then she wept +bitterly. She asked me a lot of questions about the people in the +house--which, of course, I couldn't answer. And although she has only +been here a few hours, and has been crying most of the time, she seems +to have struck up an acquaintance with Mrs. Archer's cook below. While I +was in the kitchen, Mrs. Archer's cook called up the dumb-waiter. I +heard her say: 'What cheer?' and Mrs. Potzenheimer replied, in very low +tones: 'Rotten.' I suppose she meant that she felt ill." + +"What a horrid expression!" I exclaimed. + +"Nellie seemed rather perturbed when she noticed that I had heard her," +Letitia went on, "and explained that she had met Mrs. Archer's cook at +the intelligence office. She didn't allude to the expression she used. +When she was in bed she called for a little whisky, and I gave her +some." + +"Letitia, you shouldn't--" + +"She hated it, Archie," said Letitia, with a wry face. "She told me that +it positively went against her, but that she took it for her heart. She +has a weak heart, dear. She drank half a tumblerful, as she says it +always puts her on her feet again after one of these little attacks." + +"I don't like it, Letitia," I remarked suspiciously. "I don't like it at +all." + +Letitia smiled and kissed me. "Of course you don't, you silly old boy," +she said lightly, "you've been left alone, and I'm glad you don't like +it. I should be vexed if you did. Did-ems leave-ems all alone-ems? But +one must do a little good in the world, Archie. Suppose you were ill in +a strange place, wouldn't you be grateful to anybody who tried to make +you comfortable? Put yourself in Mrs. Potzenheimer's place." + +"You are a foolish girl, Letitia," I declared, mollified in spite of +myself. "But if we are going to start a Home for the Aged--" + +"Stop it, Archie. Now, stop it. You mustn't be harsh and unreasonable. +What happened to-night will probably never happen again. Would you like +me if I were hard-hearted, and cold-blooded? Think of Nellie as though +she were your own grandmother." + +"Why should I, Letitia?" I asked impatiently, wound up again. "I've been +trying to think of her as my cook. That is all I bargained to do. It is +not likely that I should engage my own grandmother--" + +"Oh, you are so cross--so cross!" sighed Letitia; "I have never seen you +so disagreeable. After all, Archie, you are a great big baby. You are +vexed because I left you alone for a few moments." + +"An hour and a half!" + +"An hour and a half? Was it really so long? It couldn't have been. Well, +perhaps it was. Anyway, I'm glad you missed me. It is a consolation. I +missed you, dear. It wasn't at all amusing waiting on a lachrymose old +woman, plying her with drink and tucking her up in bed. It was really +most objectionable, and I'm extremely lacking as a ministering angel. I +can't minister for a cent. But I can try, can't I? And--let's be as +quiet as we can, Archie, and not disturb the poor thing." + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + +Dismal, dreary, depressing, are adjectives that scarcely qualify the +week that ensued. They do not express the subtile, underlying something +that made my home almost unendurable. There was a sense of impending +crisis that was horrible. Mrs. Potzenheimer's ailments became more +numerous, varied, and pungent. My whisky bills were absolutely menacing. +Letitia developed quite a _connoisseur's_ estimate of spirituous +liquors, and the various brands of rye and Scotch, as well as of Old Tom +and Holland in the gin list, seemed to displace her student's +appreciation of Cicero and Ovid as light literature. + +On three occasions we dined at a restaurant, while Mrs. Potzenheimer +went to bed. We generally spoke in whispers, and once, when I whistled +_Hiawatha_, Letitia nearly grew hysterical. This was not due to the fact +that _Hiawatha_ happened to be extremely hackneyed, but to the +circumstance that Nellie was trying to take a nap. How I hated it all! +Letitia was pale and looked worn, for she never went out. Mrs. +Potzenheimer was too infirm to open the door when the bell rang and +Letitia insisted upon doing it herself. The dinners of which we partook +at home were invariably composed of stew and rice pudding. They palled. +Nellie, when remonstrated with (and not by Letitia), explained that the +Duchess of Marlborough had been so partial to stew that she had +practically lived upon it, and what was good enough for Her Grace of +Marlborough was good enough, she thought--etcetera. At the end of the +week the mere thought of stew sickened me. It was a subject that I +detested to mention and an object that I loathed to see before me. Mrs. +Potzenheimer wept just as frequently. I believe she wept tears of whisky +and gin. I could have sworn, once or twice, that I saw Old Tom trickling +down her cheeks. + +Then came the climax. It had been a dark day. The birds were _not_ +twittering in the sunshine; the air was _not_ laden with the balmy +perfume of a thousand flowers. I had felt a sense of oppression all day +while at the office. I had brooded to such an extent that Arthur +Tamworth had begged me to take a holiday. Tamworth, by-the-by, had +recovered, I am thankful to say, and he never alluded to our little +dinner. At first he had seemed gently reproachful but this wore off. He +was now quite able to be up and doing. + +The climax, above mentioned, bore down upon me when I reached my +apartment. There was no Letitia to greet me. The dense silence could +almost be felt, and through it I groped my way to the drawing-room. My +wife was there, in an arm-chair, propped up by cushions, and asleep. +Although it was the hour when, according to our code, it was barbaric to +be found in any but evening garb, Letitia wore a Mother Hubbard wrapper +of red flannelette. There were traces of tears on her face; her +eyelashes were wet; it was quite evident that she had just fallen asleep +after some exhausting experience. Her tousled and generally dilapidated +appearance was extraordinary. + +As I bent over her, she moved uneasily, and I heard her murmur: "It's +Old Tom, Nellie. It's Old Tom." + +Of course, I understood. Not being like the fools in the foolish plays +of to-day, I was quite aware that Old Tom was not a rival, but merely a +gin. Consequently there was no dramatic situation in my mind as I mopped +my perspiring brow. I was simply aghast at the inexplicable position of +my domestic evening. + +"It isn't Old Tom, dear," I said gently, kissing her awake, "it's old +Archie." + +She looked at me in perplexity for a moment or two before she disturbed +the silence. I thought it best to ask no questions, but to let the evil +tidings come all by themselves. + +"The worst has happened, Archie," she said slowly, and she even forgot +to kiss me. "I have had the most fearful afternoon. I don't know how +I've lived through it, and--and--Nellie's gone!" + +"Thank Heaven!" I exclaimed fervently. "If that is all, Letitia, if +there is nothing more than that to account for red flannelette at six +o'clock, I am immensely thankful." + +She glanced at her undignified Mother Hubbard, but did not smile. "I +felt too worn out to dress," she said. "The mere idea of white silk +seemed farcical. Archie, the situation is absolutely red flannelette, +and--abominable. I feel I've aged. I must have gone white--like the +prisoner of Chillon. Oh, I feel a hundred-and-ninety in the shade." + +"Calm yourself, dear," I suggested soothingly. "Perhaps if you tell me +all about it, you will feel better. Remember I know nothing." + +"Poor Archie!" sighed Letitia; "it is a shame to worry you, but it can't +be helped. Let me see how it began. Ah, yes. After luncheon, dear--I had +some cold stew and a glass of cold water--Mrs. Potzenheimer complained +again of her heart and I was naturally compassionate. I gave her some +gin--Holland, I think it was, as the other was all gone. She was most +insulting, and insisted upon having Old Tom. When I told her that she +had finished it last night, she suggested that I run to the corner and +buy some more. For a moment, Archie--" + +"No, Letitia, no," I cried in horror, "don't tell me--I decline to +listen." + +"I said 'for a moment,' Archie," Letitia went on, "and if you interrupt, +I'll say no more. For one moment, I confess, I did think that I ought to +humor an invalid. Then I remembered my dignity, and I told her firmly +that it was Holland or nothing. I shall never forget it--never. She rose +and in a most matter-of-fact voice announced that her week of trial was +up, and that she had had enough of us, that she would thank me for her +wages, and that she was going. At first I thought she was joking." + +"You don't mean--" + +"She seemed perfectly well," Letitia continued. "All her aches and pains +had disappeared as if by magic. She said that our house was too dull for +her and that she had been used to life and excitement. She couldn't live +with people who didn't seem to entertain and who never dined out. I was +so amazed that I could scarcely speak, but I murmured something about +her health and she burst out laughing. She said that such a dingy +couple as we were would make any woman ill. Such ingratitude, such a +fiendish reward for my kindness, I could never have contemplated. At +first I refused to give her any wages, and she threatened some +Protective Women's Association on me, and told me that I hadn't a chance +against such an old woman as she was. So I handed out the money." + +"Very wrongly, Letitia," I asserted. + +"And if she had asked for double the amount, I should have handed that +out, too," Letitia continued, not heeding my interruption. "She made a +great point of the legal aspect of the case. I seemed to see a crowded +court-room, and you, Archie, being led in as the prisoner. And--and--I +almost heard a verdict of guilty. I tell you, dear, I was delighted to +escape it all by means of a five-dollar bill. It seemed a ridiculously +cheap way out of it. But that isn't all. It isn't nearly all. The worst +is yet to come." + +"No more Vanderbilt servants for me," I muttered bitterly. "Hang the +Vanderbilts and their beastly system of housekeeping!" + +"Archie," said Letitia mysteriously, "I don't believe that Mrs. +Potzenheimer ever saw a Vanderbilt. I was furious with her, and told her +that I should write at once to the Duchess of Marlborough and inform +her of the behavior of her favorite cook. I thought that she might be +contemplating returning to the service of the Vanderbilts. Would you +believe it, Archie? She simply grinned in my face and mimicked me. I was +so anxious for her to leave the house that I could scarcely wait. I +don't think that she was more than five minutes getting ready, but it +seemed like an eternity. After she had gone I went to my room to +dress--don't think, dear, that the red flannelette was premeditated--and +it was then I discovered that my diamond ring--the hoop you gave me, +Archie--that I had laid on my bureau had vanished." + +"I'll go at once and get a detective," I exclaimed ferociously. + +"Hush," she said in a tired voice. "Six silver spoons, monogrammed +A. L. F., that Aunt Julia gave me, your gold whisky flask, and my +tortoise-shell comb, with the pearls and turquoises are all missing. She +was in a great hurry to go, and I was in a greater hurry to see her +go--" + +"And she was such a simple, inoffensive old woman," I muttered savagely, +"and you hated to see her work! And you thought she should be with her +grandchildren! And the cottage with honeysuckle all over it! And nowhere +to go! And a weak heart! And that infernal mutton stew--" + +I paused in incoherent anger, only to experience a painful remorse, as +Letitia began to sob. + +"That is so like a man!" she cried, turning from me as I uttered fervent +apologies and pleas for pardon. "You are a man, after all, Archie, and I +never looked upon you as one. I thought you were something +better--something nobler. I was mistaken. I find--I find that I +have--have married--have married a man after all." + +I was greatly alarmed. This was the first sign of the demon of +disenchantment. Although I don't know why I was so bitterly chagrined at +Letitia's discovery that I was a man--I nevertheless was. For the moment +it seemed disgusting to be a man. I could have found it in my heart to +wish that I were a monkey. + +"Forgive me, Letitia, forgive me," I urged, severely distressed; "I was +wrong. I hope you'll pardon me. Don't--don't, dear--call me a man, +again, in that tone. I can't stand it. Oh, curse this Potzenheimer woman +who has brought us to this!" + +"There--there!" exclaimed Letitia, brushing away her tears and kissing +me. "You didn't mean it, I know, but after what I've gone through this +afternoon, I can't endure very much more. And you appeared to be +reproaching me, as though I were upholding that villainous hypocrite of +a woman, who seemed--" + +She paused, as though expecting me to add "so simple and inoffensive." +But this time, I had learned my lesson, and I was so thankful for +Letitia's forgiveness that I had nothing further to say. And, after all, +I had been wrong to taunt her. + +"You can imagine how I felt," Letitia went on presently, "when I +discovered the loss of the valuables. I didn't mind the whisky flask, or +the comb, or the spoons, but the ring you gave me, Archie--it almost +broke my heart to lose it. Just as I had made up my mind to send for +you, there was a peal at the bell, and in stalked a woman, who said she +was Mrs. Archer, living in the apartment below us." + +"How horribly informal!" I exclaimed. "How do we know anything about +Mrs. Archer?" + +"It wasn't an occasion for etiquette, Archie. Mrs. Archer was in a +desperate state. It seems that her cook spent most of her time with Mrs. +Potzenheimer, when we were dining out at restaurants on account of Mrs. +Potzenheimer's health. The irony of it all! Her cook was another +antiquity, with an aristocratic record. She had come to Mrs. Archer, +without references, but had declared she had lived with the Ogden +Goelets." + +"Go on, Letitia," I said, in a Sherlock Holmes voice. + +"_And_ Mrs. Ogden Goelet was in Europe, visiting the Duchess of +Roxburghe. _And_ the Duchess of Roxburghe had been very much attached to +her, and had been crazy to take her to London. _And_ she was too old to +go, and wanted to 'rest her bones' in New York. _And_ she was always +ailing, and nothing seemed to do her any good but gin and whisky." + +"I guessed it, Letitia," I cried triumphantly; "I guessed it." + +"She behaved precisely like Mrs. Potzenheimer. She came from the same +intelligence office. She left, at a moment's notice." + +"Taking with her a diamond ring, six silver spoons, a gold whisky flask, +and a comb with pearls and turquoises," I went on glibly, still in those +staccato Sherlock Holmes tones. + +"Or valuables to that effect," corrected Letitia. + +"Certainly," I assented judicially, "certainly. It is clear, Letitia, +that these women must have been in league, and that a carefully planned +robbery has been effected." + +"If you had made that discovery yesterday, Archie, before it had been +effected, you might have done some good. Of course, it is quite clear +to-day. A child could see that," she added impatiently. "I wish you +wouldn't interrupt me with such wonderful deductions, dear. I dare say +they _are_ clever, but--" + +Letitia's irritable tone hurt me. The pain of these incidents had been +temporarily deadened by my Sherlock Holmes demeanor. Still, I was bound +to confess that, as Letitia pointed out, the case did seem simple. + +"Mrs. Archer seemed furious with _me_," Letitia said querulously. "The +more we discovered that our troubles coincided, the angrier she grew. At +one time"--and here Letitia flushed--"she seemed to be positively +suspicious. She had noticed the constant communication between the two +cooks by means of the dumb-waiter." + +"The dumb-waiter seems to be a sort of hyphen, connecting devils," I +interpolated epigrammatically. + +"Don't be witty, Archie. Don't even try to be witty, please. As I think +of Mrs. Archer's attitude, when she first entered, I feel humiliated. +She admitted that she thought Rosie was here. Rosie was the cook. And it +was not until I told her of Nellie's departure, and the loss I had +sustained, that her manner changed. When I mentioned the fact that I +had missed a diamond ring, six silver spoons, a gold whisky flask, and +a comb with pearls and turquoises, she really heaved a sigh of relief. +She said, 'Oh, I'm so glad, Mrs. Fairfax--' and then she checked +herself, and added that she was glad the case was not complicated." + +"I'll see her husband, and demand a written apology," I declared +indignantly. + +"You are always too late, dear," said Letitia quietly. "Mrs. Archer +apologized profusely. She told me that her husband had always been +suspicious of people who live in apartments--since Dr. Parkhurst had +bungled up New York. She was very nice. She said she could see at once +that we were quite respectable." + +"How insulting!" I cried. + +"Insulting!" echoed Letitia. "If she had said she could see that we were +_not_ quite respectable, then it would have been insulting. Perhaps I am +describing the scene badly. At any rate, though it may sound insulting +to you, Archie, it didn't to me. She didn't say it in precisely the +terms I have used. Mrs. Archer is a very pleasant person. We grew quite +chummy. We added up our losses. Rosie had taken three hundred and +thirty-seven dollars' worth, and Nellie had gone off with at least seven +hundred and fifty dollars' worth. She admitted that I was twice as +aggrieved as she was. And I must say, Archie, I couldn't help feeling +pleased that I had the best of her." + +"The best of her, Letitia? You mean the worst of her." + +"I don't," she insisted. "When a woman confronts you angrily and +announces indignantly that she is a victim, it is a satisfaction to turn +upon her, with the irrefutable evidence that she is not as much of a +victim as you are. I felt a triumphant sense of 'There now!' Just the +same, now that she has gone, I could cry all over again as I think of my +loss. I put a brave face on the matter, for the sake of appearances. We +had tea together, but when she had left, the trouble all came back to me +and I think, Archie, that I must have wept myself to sleep." + +"I suppose I had better report the case," I suggested. + +"It will be waste of time," said Letitia. "Mrs. Archer told me so. Now +that Rosie and Nellie have gone, she remembers reading of two crooks who +have been robbing apartment houses lately. Like you, dear, she is a bit +late." + +"I don't know why you speak so slightingly of your husband, Letitia," I +interposed haughtily. + +"I don't mean to slight you at all, Archie. But you see through a case +when it is all over, and Mrs. Archer remembers important information +when it is no longer important. That is all, dear. Rosie and Nellie have +probably left the city, and the state, taking care to cover their +tracks." + +"Still for the sake of other possible victims--" + +"Never mind them, Archie," said Letitia promptly, "they must take care +of themselves as we have had to do. Anyway, now that you are here, and +that I have eased myself by telling you all, I feel better. And it is +such a relief not to have a patient with a weak heart on one's hands. +Positively, dear, I am relieved. It is as though I have shifted a +burden. It is almost worth seven hundred and fifty dollars to feel +comfortable. You really didn't need the gold whisky flask, and I can get +along without the tortoise-shell comb. The diamond ring _is_ a blow, but +I intend to forget it. I'll just put on my things and you shall take me +out to dinner, and then we'll go to the theater and see something jolly, +with rattle in it." + +"Sothern's playing _Hamlet_," I insinuated, "and Shakespeare always +cheers you." + +"But he wouldn't to-night, Archie. Who shall minister to a mind +be-cooked? One must be mentally serene to appreciate _Hamlet_. I want to +forget Mrs. Potzenheimer, and although I adore classics, they don't +exhilarate on occasions like these. Would you think me quite dreadful +and illiterate, if, instead of _Hamlet_, I suggest--" + +"Mrs. Fiske in _Hedda Gabler_?" + +"No, dear, just--er--Weber and Fields'. Do you mind?" + +"Oh, Letitia," I said in a shocked voice, though I could scarcely +repress a smile of joy, "I am amazed. I should never have thought it of +you. Still, if you insist,--well, let us go to Weber and Fields'. We can +leave when we are disgusted." + +"I shall stay till the end," announced Letitia firmly, "and I hope it +lasts until midnight. That is the way I feel to-night." + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + +While a well-selected little restaurant dinner undoubtedly loosens the +trammels of a too obdurate and persistent domesticity, the restaurant +breakfast can scarcely be said to be conducive to an overweening +amiability. Those who have tried it will not be inclined to dispute the +matter. It is in the early morn that the term restaurant seems +singularly inappropriate. The luminous, glittering, chattering resort +where, at night, one may throw off one's care and temporarily forget +one's home and mother, is, in the forenoon, but--an eating house. One is +there, in vulgar materialism--to eat! The boiled-egg moment, that the +mere ethics of good taste assign to privacy--with the morning ablutions +and the care of the teeth--is a tragedy when translated into publicity. +Conviviality, at the boiled-egg moment, is an impossibility. Ordinary +courtesy is abstruse and difficult. Silence, the morning papers, the +birth of one's daily attitude--the natural cravings of the hour--give +way to the gloomy desolation of the public resort. Cheek-by-jowl with +other unfortunates, in whom it is hope to discover an interest--for +altruism is not born until noon, and mere selfishness monopolizes the +morning hours--the meal is a detestable torture, worthy of a place in +the catalogue of mediæval horrors. + +Yet Letitia and I came to it. We came to it next morning. There were no +warm slippers for me; there was no loose dressing-gown for Letitia. We +dressed; we put on our bonnets and shawls; we sallied forth to boiled +egg. We were rather sullen about our sallying, and being devoid of a +sense of humor, we saw nothing amusing in the empty glory of our +prettily furnished apartment. I am told that the situation would have +been saved, for the humorously born, by this mere idea. Yet I am still +thankful for my mental inability to rout tragedy by comedy. + +Letitia looked at me unaffectionately; I was able to regard Letitia +without rapture. The maintenance of the honeymoon mood is generally +strenuous--which is not meant for cynicism--but the honeymoon in its +most effulgent radiance must pale, as Lubin and Dulcinea seek their +boiled egg abroad. Alas! + +"I dare not try it, Letitia," I said, shivering, as a morning waiter, in +evening dress, set the terrible thing before me. "I have a horrible +presentiment that it is bad. I don't know why, but I can't shake off the +idea. Eggs are such a lottery." + +"I wish you wouldn't set me against my food," she retorted peevishly, +slicing the top from the offensive egg and peering timidly into it. Then +with a smile: "Perhaps it's like the curate's egg." + +"Don't, Letitia!" I cried indignantly, "I loathe that alleged joke. It +is so silly and so played out. Besides, it was never meant for morning +use. There are some things that it is criminal to jest about--eggs, and +_Parsifal_, and cooks, and the Passion play," I added desperately. + +I was determined that I would not taste my egg until I saw how Letitia +took to hers. They were probably of the same brand. It was perhaps +cowardly of me to let a frail little woman explore the mysteries of an +unguessed egg, but I was in a thoroughly perverse mood. I watched her +stolidly as she dipped in her spoon, stirred up the contents, and +transferred a portion of them to her mouth. Nothing happened. She did +not change color and I realized that all was well. For in the case of +the restaurant egg: _Ce n'est que le premier pas qui coûte_. + +The tea tasted like boiled hay. It was called English breakfast tea, +probably because the English would never think of drinking it, and if +they did, they would never drink it at breakfast time. But it was hot +and wet--two qualities that are sufficient for those who have not +mastered the sublime art of tea-drinking. Letitia scarcely touched her +breakfast. She immersed herself in the advertising columns of the +morning newspaper, and was quite hidden behind the sheet. I was in that +odious humor when, to be looked at as I ate, was unendurable--something +simply not to be borne with equanimity. I was glad that Letitia couldn't +see me, for while she wasn't looking I did very nicely, and ate my team +of boiled eggs with relish! If Letitia had been looking at me, I should +have left them both. One can not always account for the morning mood. +And yet I have never been called a "crank." + +"Archie," she said suddenly (and I quickly hid the egg-shells so that +she should not remark upon my strangely-found appetite), "I think I've +got it at last. It really looks as though there were a way out of our +difficulties. But I do wish, dear boy, that you would try to eat." + +She glanced at my plate. She saw the egg-shells. The rolls, butter, tea, +had all disappeared. I felt a flush mount to my brow. Had I been +detected in the commission of a crime, I could not have looked more +uncomfortable. + +"Oh, I see you have managed to do very well," she said in a pleased +voice, without a vestige of sarcasm. "In fact"--with a smile--"if you +do as well as that, without an appetite, I am quite unable to imagine +what you would do with one. You are a healthy boy--healthy but silly." + +"Well, Letitia," I murmured abjectly, "you were reading, and paying no +attention to me--I might have been down at the Battery for all you +cared--so I had to do something in self-defense." + +"Don't apologize," said Letitia, and this time there was an intonation +of ill-timed jocularity in her voice. "I am glad you were hungry, and I +wish that I had been. I've eaten nothing, and you don't even notice it. +You don't urge me to eat. It doesn't matter." + +"Letitia!" I cried reproachfully. "Please--please--" + +She laughed. + +"I'm teasing you, Archie, and I didn't mean to do so. You are such a +lovely subject for persecution that I can't resist the temptation. +But--bother our appetites. I have forgotten the present and am looking +into the future. Here is a little advertisement that will, I think, put +an end to our anguish. Listen--" + +She took a pencil and marked round the following, which she then +proceeded to read aloud: "Irish widow lady, with one child, wants +position as cook, in small refined family, of Christian principles. +Good home preferred to big wages. Call 33 Sixth Avenue. Mrs. McCaffrey. +Up one flight." + +"Archie," said Letitia solemnly, laying down the paper, "I feel +intuitively that Mrs. McCaffrey is our fate. I read fifty advertisements +while you were trying--I mean while you were eating" (I winced), "and I +felt a warm, rushy sensation when I came to the name of Mrs. McCaffrey. +I believe it was telepathy, from 33 Sixth Avenue." + +"Let me look at the advertisement." I took the paper, and read the +portentous lines that Letitia had almost intoned. Then I re-read it. + +"I suppose that she means to bring the child with her," I suggested +ruefully. "That is the catch, Letitia. We do want a cook, but we don't +want a child--at least hers." + +"But, Archie, dear," said Letitia seriously, "we have none of our own." + +"How _could_ we have?" I cried, amazed and indignant. + +"We won't argue that point," declared my wife, quite unruffled. "The +fact is, Archie, that we haven't any children, whatever you may say, and +however much you may argue. Under the circumstances, I don't object to a +cook with a child. In fact, I quite like the idea. She will be very +much steadier and less frivolous, and--Archie, I love children. I like +their prattle, and their cunning little ways, and--" + +"But," I interrupted, catching at a straw with the zest of a drowning +man, "you notice that she wants to go into the service of a family with +Christian principles. Now, I don't propose to saddle myself with +Christian principles for the sake of my cook. I positively decline. What +difference on earth it can possibly make to a cook whether she broil a +steak for Buddhists, or Mohammedans, or Christian Scientists, or +Swedenborgians--or even, for the Salvation Army, I can't imagine. +Religion in the kitchen is just a bit far-fetched. I consider that +advertisement most insulting, Letitia." + +"Archie, really, you--" + +"And I suppose," I went on, wound up, "that we should have to sing hymns +with her every night and perhaps go to church with her on Sunday. I +won't lend myself to such new-fangled notions. Cook is a question of +dinner and not of religious belief. Besides, how could she know what our +principles were? We might be atheists, and still inform her that we had +Christian principles! I dare say that if we objected to her cooking, she +would say we were not Christians, and if we protested at her going out +more than eight times a week, she would declare that we were heathens. +The child is bad enough, but the Christian principles are worse. I'm +sorry, Letitia, but this advertisement is really a mass of palpable +loopholes." + +Tears came to Letitia's eyes. They seemed to be frequently in abeyance +there nowadays, and they grieved me. + +"For a couple who a few weeks ago knew nothing about the servant +question, and indignantly scouted the idea that there was such a thing, +we are getting on well," she said in a low voice. "You are growing +awfully suspicious, Archie. The iron seems to have entered your soul. +Because Anna Carter and Mrs. Potzenheimer were failures--quick failures +I grant--you are now inclined to put every cook in the same boat. Oh, +Archie, I'm ashamed of you. If you are always looking for evil motives +you will find them, sure enough." + +She paused, and the tears welled up again. The sight was so painful to +me that--in sheer dread of its continuance--I succumbed. That is to say, +I had no further adverse comments to make and the field was Letitia's! +Undoubtedly, she knew it. + +"You see, dear," she said in mollified tones, "you don't understand the +probable position of poor Mrs. McCaffrey. Imagine her alone in the +world with a child. She is poor. She must earn a living for the two of +them. All she knows how to do is to cook. She places herself in the +market as a cook. But there is the child! She can not smother it, and +she must take it with her. She is therefore anxious that the place to +which she takes it shall be respectable and--religious. I don't suppose +that she is too fearfully particular. But naturally, she would not like +to see the dear little thing in the house of a man who drank and swore, +and of a woman who--well, of a woman who behaved in the femininely +equivalent. So, just to protect herself, she says Christian principles. +I admire her for it, Archie." + +Silence on my part. Letitia's triumphant logic was of course +unanswerable. I made no attempt to answer it, and Letitia was "riled." + +"Do say something, dear," she urged. + +"I don't want to vex you, Letitia," I said, "and that is why I am +silent. But you surely must know that men with Christian principles do +swear and do drink. Our old servant at Oxford had thoroughly Christian +principles, but he used to beat his wife regularly every night. The +Christian principles were there, but they were not sufficient." + +Letitia knew that she had won the day and was instantly her own +delightful, charming self. "You are splitting straws," she said, "you +baby! I have a great mind to tell Mrs. McCaffrey exactly what you +said--and don't believe! It would serve you right if I went to 33 Sixth +Avenue and said, 'You'll like our home, Mrs. McCaffrey. My husband has +Christian principles. He drinks like a fish, swears like a trooper, and +beats his wife like a British workingman. But he is _such_ a Christian!' +Archie, I believe you're jealous, and that's the trouble with you. You +think that if there is a child your nose will be out of joint. Such a +foolish husband!" + +And Letitia rose in her seat and kissed me over the table, although +there were two waiters in dangerous proximity, and an enormous married +couple, who seemed scandalized, at the very next table. It really did +look most unseemly at such an ungodly hour of the morning! + +"Now confess," she said tauntingly, "confess that you are pleased. +Confess it at once, sir, or--or I shall kiss you again, and this time +much louder." + +I tried to be stern, and to recall the various grades of vexation that I +had known since the boiled eggs were brought in. But my irritation had +vanished. My wife, witch-like, had dissipated the mists that had +obscured my good nature. After all, if she were pleased, why need I +worry? The affairs of our household were assuredly hers--although, up to +the present, I had suffered from their most uncomfortable reflection. I +felt better. Perhaps the much-despised breakfast was, in spite of all, +partly responsible for the mental metamorphosis. + +"She certainly will have a good home," said Letitia, pursuing her +thoughts aloud, "and it is really nice to meet a woman who wants one. It +shows a refined mood. What did Anna Carter care for a good home, except +to go away from it every night? And Mrs. Potzenheimer? You are very +domesticated for a man, Archie--whatever you may be, you are that--and I +feel sure that Mrs. McCaffrey will take to you at once. And, Archie--I +shall teach the child to call you uncle, and me auntie. It will be so +dear and sweet." + +"What an absurd girl you are, Letitia," I exclaimed, amused in spite of +myself at her ingenuous remarks. "You remind me of Dora, the child-wife, +in _David Copperfield_." + +"I call that most unkind," she declared indignantly. "I always hated +that character. Dora was such a fool that I was glad when she died. +Please don't compare me to her again, Archie. I don't think I am a +fool. Of course, I select a rosy outlook. I hope for the best, and I +believe that most things are meant to turn out well. But I think I am +most practical, and sensible, and staid, and sophisticated, and--old +before my years." + +I settled my account with the persistently smiling waiter, who appeared +to regard us as jokes, and we left the restaurant. Letitia determined to +ride down town with me and to set out at once in quest of the Irish +McCaffrey. I had some qualms about permitting her to meander around the +lower extremities of Sixth Avenue in the seclusion of the one-flight-up +resorts. But she overruled my objections in her usual vivid manner. + +"When you come home this evening," she said gaily, as we sat in the +elevated train, and were whizzed south, "you'll find a nice little wife, +a nice little cook, and a nice little child." + +"To say nothing of a nice little dinner," I added materially. "At any +rate, Letitia, I do hope you'll insist that the Christian principles are +not cooked with the dinner. If there is anything on earth that I detest, +it is Christian food. Porridge and griddle cakes for breakfast, cold +rubbish for luncheon, and overdone chops, followed by indigestible, +chunky pie--that is my conception of Christian food. I can't help +thinking that much of the immorality in the world is simply due to +Christian food." + +"Stop it!" cried Letitia, laying a gloved finger on my lips. "You think +you are getting clever. You are trying to imitate Grundy, Pinero, and +Barrie, and I assure you that it is all lost on me. I want a cook, and +not an epigram." + +"As I said," I continued forcefully and rather loudly, "much of the +immorality of the world is simply due to Christian food. Christian food +is easy and generally--boiled. The mistaken idea that sound morals are +the result of bad digestion is responsible for the inartistic plight of +England and America." + +"Hush, Archie!" exclaimed Letitia, looking around her nervously. "You +talk as though you were haranguing a mob. And just the sort of nonsense +that a mob loves, too. As for the plight of England and America--you are +forgetting France. And look where French gluttony has led the nation! As +for lack of morality--" + +"Bah!" I remarked perversely, "France's lack of morality is a phrase +used for advertising purposes, my girl. There is a bigger lack of it in +London and New York, but you don't hear so much about it, because it is +ugly--like English plum pudding and American baked beans. No people can +be really wicked who have invented the Duval restaurants. Compare the +light-hearted, cheerful, exhilarating, comfortably-stomached Parisians, +sitting outside their _cafés_ and sipping their _eaux sucrées_, with the +greedy English, absorbing stodgy buns and dingy lemonade, and with the +criminal Americans, assimilating poisonous ice-creams, and destroying +their mucous membranes with odious candies." + +"At the next station I get out and walk," declared Letitia furiously. +"I'll leave you, Archie. Your breakfast has gone to your head. What is +the matter with you? Really, I begin to think that our domestic troubles +have unseated your reason." + +The train was stopping at the Fifty-third Street station and Letitia +rose, prepared to get out. As a matter of fact, I had been enjoying +myself immensely. My words had been addressed to Letitia, but they were +selfishly designed for my own delectation. I liked to hear myself +talk--in which respect, I resembled a good many other people I knew. + +"Sit down, Letitia," I said, "I've finished. I just wanted to relieve +myself of a few thoughts, which seemed relevant to the occasion." + +"Everybody is looking at you," she asserted in vexation, "and--I'll get +out, Archie, if you continue. What must these people think of a young +man, excitedly discussing the ethics of food in the Sixth Avenue +elevated railroad?" + +"In a train positively littered with advertisements of food," I added +savagely. "All around us are legends of pickles, and biscuits, and +sauces, and catsup--and horrid things that are bought cooked, because we +live in a country where the art is unknown, and where the cooks talk of +Christian principles. You are not logical, Letitia. It seems to me that +this is the very place where, if you don't think of food, advertisers +lose their money." + +"Well, think of it," muttered Letitia defiantly, "but don't talk about +it." + +"Following the example of English and Americans in the matter of +immorality," I couldn't help saying. Then lightly: "Well, Letitia, you +must admit that I am bright. You may not appreciate my clever remarks, +but I'm sure they would make a hit in print." + +"Not with me, dear," retorted my unappreciative wife. "I think they're +silly, and old, and book-y, and I like you better in a home mood. I've +never seen you as obstreperous as this before, and it has handicapped +Mrs. McCaffrey for me, as she was the cause of it. And now, here I am at +my station, and--you can ride back to yours. Don't work too hard to-day, +Archie, and take a good luncheon--something warm and nourishing. I'm +sure that you are not quite well, and I shall call in Dr. De Voursney if +you have any more of these alarming symptoms to-night." + +"One thing, Letitia," I said rather penitently, for it began to dawn +upon me that I had made an ass of myself. "Mrs. McCaffrey advertises +herself as a widow. Well, I want you to make sure that Mr. McCaffrey is +good and dead, and that we don't get a cook-in-law as well as a child." + +And this time Letitia laughed and dropped a curtsey, as I lifted my hat +and left her. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + +Smiling, radiant, and in her prettiest evening gown--a felicitous blend +of refinement and simplicity that the most abjectly Sarah-Jane mind +would scarcely dare to think of as a confection--my brave Letitia met me +as I returned from the sordid bread-and-butter struggle to sweet +domesticity. And I could see that the dove of peace had temporarily +descended upon my miniature household. It was Letitia of the honeymoon; +Letitia of Ovid and Cicero; Letitia, the provocative, the mutinous, the +delightful! It was no longer the Letitia of tinted Anna Carter, and +bleary Mrs. Potzenheimer, and the delicatessen dinner! I heaved a sigh +of relief as she kissed me affectionately. + +"They're here, Archie," she said jubilantly, as I walked into her parlor +with elastic step, "and I had no trouble at all. Mrs. McCaffrey received +me most respectfully--she was her own best reference--and I made my +decision quickly. She has been here about an hour, and took possession +of the kitchen as though she were not a bit ashamed of it." + +"Tell me all, dear," I asked hopefully, as I began to struggle into my +evening clothes all laid out on the bed for me by Letitia. + +"There's nothing to conceal," declared Letitia amiably. "I was sorry you +put it into my head to ask about her husband. You remember, dear, you +insisted that he must be good and dead. And you see, I am clay in your +hands, Archie. Poor woman! She showed me a picture of his tombstone, in +an elegant gold frame, and then burst into tears. He was forty-eight, +and his name was Michael." + +"And she spoke of him as Mike?" I interrupted. + +"How _did_ you guess?" cried Letitia. "Yes, she did. How she cried, poor +soul! He was a drunkard, but very kind to her. I suppose there _are_ +really good drunkards, Archie, as well as bad ones. We only hear of the +bad ones, yet surely some natures must be improved by alcohol. +Evidently, Mr. McCaffrey's was. He drank himself to death and, in his +last moments of delirium tremens, she heard him say brokenly, 'You can +always cook for a living, Birdie.'" + +"Birdie!" I exclaimed, dropping my collar-button. + +"Oh, I was very firm, Archie. I was, indeed. I quite realized the +indignity, the indelicacy of such a name for a cook. And it was not a +pet name used exclusively by her husband. She was christened Birdie, and +she showed me dozens of letters, all addressed to Mrs. Birdie +McCaffrey. I thought it best to start in a determined way, and I told +her that my husband was a dreadful crank." + +"Letitia!" + +"I just _said_ it, Archie, as I thought it would carry weight. I +insisted that you would never, never call her Birdie, as you were rather +old-fashioned. At first she was indignant when I suggested that we call +her Mary, and she actually asked me how you would like it if she called +you Tom. That was insolent, and I snubbed her quickly. I think I did the +novel-heroine's act. I drew myself up to my full height and rustled away +from her. She came to her senses and compromised on her second name, +which is Miriam--Birdie Miriam McCaffrey. Miriam isn't so bad, is it, +Archie? It's a bit Biblical, and has a sort of 'sound the loud timbrel' +flavor. But I've come to the conclusion that regular cooks' names are +not possible in New York, and Miriam might be worse. It's much better +than Hyacinth, or Guinevere, or Ermyntrude. Imagine calling out +'Ermyntrude, bring in the pie.' So you must really stretch a point, +Archie, and offer no objections to Miriam." + +"Am I such a dreadful tyrant, Letitia?" + +"You silly boy," she exclaimed laughing, "don't you think it for a +moment, dear. But with cooks, a tyrannical husband always sounds well. +I must confess that I made you out to be most overbearing, arrogant, +autocratic, and even insulting at times. You don't mind, dear. I thought +it best. A man in the house, nowadays, means nothing. Men are so weak. +But a bully--" + +"I wish you wouldn't, Letitia," I said irritably, "I don't fancy being +held up as a bully. Where's the sense? And where's the fun?" + +"I was not thinking of fun, dear. Please be docile, Archie, and leave +household matters to me. You won't regret it. Of course, I know that you +are not a bully, but my cooks must think that you are one, until they +find out what a meek, good-natured, foolish, old fossil of a silly old +husband you are." + +With which she knotted my tie for me, shook me by my shoulders, and led +me into the drawing-room. + +"The child!" I exclaimed. "You've forgotten the child. Tell me about +it." + +There was no need to do so. Hardly had I spoken when the defunct Michael +McCaffrey's legacy to posterity joined us in the drawing-room. It was a +mouse-colored little brat, with hair that looked like blankets, watery +eyes that seemed to be edged with pink tape, a sticky face and hands, +the dirtiness of which would probably be called picturesque in Italy, +and in somebody else's drawing-room, and the delightful aspect of those +dear little things that play about the gutters of the east side. Its +nose was disgusting, and when I say that I do not refer to the shape of +the organ. The child ran up immediately to a green velvet ottoman and +began affectionately rubbing it the wrong way with the sticky hands. + +"Ga-ga!" it said. "Ga-ga! Ga-ga!" + +"Come away!" I cried, scenting the ruin of the ottoman. + +"Come here, dear," said Letitia gently, but the child paid not the +slightest heed. "I hadn't seen it before, Archie, as it was playing in +the street when I called on Mrs. McCaffrey. It isn't--it isn't"--in a +disappointed tone--"it isn't a bit cute." + +"Ga-ga! Ga-ga!" shouted the brat. + +"Mrs. McCaffrey must not allow the child to run wild," I said sternly. +"We can't do with it in the drawing-room, Letitia. It must stay with its +mother. You must insist upon that. It is certainly not an ornament to a +room. A little cold water and some soap--" + +"I wonder if it is a boy or a girl," mused Letitia, as she pulled the +hands of the brat from the green velvet ottoman to which they stuck. +"Mrs. McCaffrey didn't tell me. How _can_ I find out?" + +"Ask Miriam," I said sarcastically. "She ought to know." + +"You can always tell whether cats are gentlemen or ladies by the shape +of the head," Letitia went on irrelevantly, "but children are puzzles. +This dirty little thing looks like a boy, Archie. I'm quite sure that it +can't be a girl. I forgot to ask, and we really ought to know, don't you +think?" + +At that moment a loud voice was heard calling, "Letitia! Letitia!" And +then: "Letitia! Where on earth is Letitia?" For a minute after there was +dead silence. Letitia flushed, and an expression of violent anger dawned +upon her face. I was too amazed to say anything. After what my wife had +told me of Mrs. McCaffrey's bitter antipathy to a change of name, this +looked like revenge. She undoubtedly proposed to show Letitia that she +had no intention of changing _her_ name. The child ran quickly to its +mother, and we were left alone, in a tumult of astonishment. + +"You must go and veto that, instantly, Letitia," I asserted gravely. +"Stop it at once, before--before she calls me Archie. She'll do it. I +know she will." + +"You go," pleaded Letitia in fervent tones. "Do it for me, Archie. I've +done so much." + +"No," I declared relentlessly, "I will not interfere in household +matters. You have asked me not to do so. You can tell her again that I +am a bully, and a tyrant, and anything you choose. It sounds well, you +know. You can put it all down to me, and inform her that if she dares to +use your Christian name again she can depart to No. 33 Sixth Avenue, up +one flight--or two flights--or any number of flights." + +Letitia scarcely waited until I had finished my chaste remarks. She flew +out of the room as though she had been shot, with the evident intention +of striking while the iron was heated. I closed the door because I had +no desire to hear. Perhaps it was an act of cowardice on my part, but, +after all, Letitia herself absolved me from implicating myself in these +matters. She had asked me to leave everything to her, and I had no +intention of thwarting her in this instance. + +She returned presently, looking completely relieved. There was even a +smile upon her lips. + +"How silly we were, Archie!" she said, sinking into a chair, "and how +ready we were to think the worst of a poor, hard-working woman. She +wasn't calling me at all. She heard the child in the drawing-room, and +was calling the child. It _is_ a girl, Archie, and its name is Letitia." + +"Letitia!" I gasped. "That beastly, sticky, obnoxious little imp is +named Letitia?" + +"Is it such a fearful name?" she asked quickly. "I can't say you are +complimentary, Archie. Of course, Mrs. McCaffrey didn't know that the +child was going to be 'beastly,' 'sticky,' and 'obnoxious' when she +called it Letitia. How should she? I felt quite amused, as it is such a +strange name to have selected. And yet, it is not at all an +extraordinary name when you come to think of it. I know several +Letitias, and I have read of many more." + +"Do be sensible, my girl," I said, trying to be patient. "Surely you +must see that we can't have this woman calling Letitia all over the +house, when it happens to be the name of the mistress." + +"But what's to be done?" she asked. "If you are going to suggest that I +ask Mrs. McCaffrey to change her daughter's name to Eliza, or Susan, or +Sarah--well, I simply decline. Nothing on earth would induce me to do +it. I made her consent to be known as Miriam, instead of Birdie, which +was quite an undertaking. No more of it for me, thank you. I've finished +juggling with these baptismal arrangements. You are most unreasonable. +What difference can it make? As long as I don't mind, I can't see why +you object. And--and--if there must be a change of name, I'd sooner +change mine. Yes, I would, Archie. You can call me Sarah, or Eliza, or +Susan, if you like. But I will _not_ ask Mrs. McCaffrey to forego the +pleasure of calling her own child by its own legitimate name." + +"I certainly shall _never_ call you Eliza, Letitia," I protested +indignantly, "I loathe all those names. If you had been called Eliza, or +Sarah, or Susan--or even Kate--I wouldn't have married you. I feel very +strongly on the subject. Please don't suggest such ridiculous things." + +"Well," said Letitia, and the tears rose to her eyes, "can't you--can't +you--address me as 'dear,' or 'love,' as much as possible? You are +awfully fond of calling me 'my girl,' you know. It would simplify +matters so much, if you could do this, Archie. Please do. It can't be +difficult, as you do it so frequently, and now when you know that it is +really necessary--" + +"It seems such a dreadful shame to give up the name of Letitia, which is +charming, just for the sake of this woman's squalid little cub. It's an +outrage. I'm surprised at you, my girl." + +"There! You said 'my girl,'" she cried triumphantly. "Now, wasn't it +easy?' + +"I didn't know I said it," was my stern rejoinder, "and I assure you +that I don't intend to make any point of it. I shall do as I choose and, +anyway, if that brat is kept out of sight and hearing--and that you must +insist upon--we shall not be seriously inconvenienced. The lower +classes to-day are simply impossible. They--" + +"Hush, Archie!" said Letitia earnestly. "You forget that there are no +lower classes. You are in the United States, and not in England. Try and +remember that Michael McCaffrey's child is just as suited to the name of +Letitia, as is the wife of Archibald Fairfax, a gentleman who is still +silly enough to tack an 'Esq.' to his name." + +"Dinner's on table," said a rich, Hibernian voice at the door, and we +guiltily stopped short. Mrs. McCaffrey stood there eying me +contemplatively, and even from the cursory glance she was able to take, +I felt perfectly sure that she instantly realized the fact that +Letitia's stories of the bully and tyrant that dominated the household, +were undoubted myths. She was a large lady, neatly dressed. Indications +seemed to point to her possession of what is popularly known as a +"temper." And perhaps the late Mr. Michael McCaffrey was fully aware of +what he was doing when he drank himself to death. + +It was a cozy little dinner of barley soup, very appetizing; a tender +chicken, ably accompanied with parsley sauce; vegetables, and a fruit +pie. But its enjoyment was effectually marred by the circumstance that +Miriam was accompanied to the dining-room by Letitia, who was growing +peevish, and whose "Ga-ga!" simply got on my nerves. It was most +discouraging. Tugging at cook's apron incessantly, Letitia junior was an +irritating obstruction. We could scarcely hear ourselves talk for the +perpetual "Ga-ga!" in the kitchen, and out of it. It was all that the +cub could say. Mrs. McCaffrey would exclaim indulgently, "Be quiet, +Letitia!" And then, for a moment, my wife would look at her in +amazement, while I bit my lip in vexation. I was unable to decide as to +whether Anna Carter's delicatessen dinner, without "Ga-ga!" was superior +or inferior to Mrs. McCaffrey's comfortable meal with it. It was a nice +point, and one that called for a deft and finely calculated judgment. + +"I've got two Letitias now to wait on, I see," said cook pleasantly, as +she brought in the pie, while the child looked at it covetously and said +"Ga-ga!" + +"And if you could manage to keep one of them in the kitchen, my good +woman," I plucked up courage enough to say, "we should appreciate it." + +This was a mistake on my part. A few seconds later, doleful sounds +proceeded from Mrs. McCaffrey's region. We heard her slapping the child, +and alluding to it as a plague, and--that settled Letitia. + +"Now see what you've done," she said, casting indignant glances at me. +"You have positively driven the poor mother to abuse her own child. You +are countenancing cruelty. I couldn't stand it for a moment, Archie. The +child has done nothing. It has merely followed cook into this room, +which was quite natural. It has said nothing." + +"Pardon me," I interrupted, in vexation, "it has said 'Ga-ga!' It has +said 'Ga-ga!' persistently, and while you may consider that enlivening, +Letitia, I don't. If I had a child of my own, nothing on earth would +induce me to allow it to say 'Ga-ga!' It is most disheartening." + +"Well, I shall teach it to say something prettier," Letitia declared. "I +admit that 'Ga-ga!' isn't cunning, all the time. Once or twice, perhaps, +it is not amiss. In the meantime, if Mrs. McCaffrey slaps little +Letitia--my namesake, isn't she, Archie?--out of the house she goes. I'd +sooner she ill-treated big Letitia. And you are so tender-hearted that I +wonder you can sit there so quietly--like a--like a--monster--" + +Letitia rose and went into the kitchen. I fancied that I heard her +kissing Mrs. McCaffrey's cub, but I could not be sure--and preferred +_not_ to be sure. It was a point upon which I desired no illumination. +It was one of the many things that it is better not to know. Sullenly, I +finished my dinner alone, while Letitia talked with cook. It seemed like +an endless conversation. These kitchen interludes began to pall upon +me. Letitia was either putting a cook to bed or discussing maternity +with her. There seemed to be no escape from this preposterous condition +of affairs. If I had slapped Letitia, Mrs. McCaffrey would probably have +been up in arms about Christian principles. However, it was like the +case of my old Oxford servant, before mentioned, who was such a +Christian that he used to beat his wife punctually at ten o'clock every +night. Not that she minded in the least. My own opinion is that she +liked it, as Mrs. McCaffrey's child probably did. In this, as in many +other matters, there is no accounting for taste. + +I went moodily to the drawing-room and smoked viciously. I made "rings," +and watched them dissolve in the atmosphere. I contrasted what was, with +what should be. The scene lacked the placid picture of Letitia reading +Cicero beneath the rosy lamplight. Letitia was haranguing a cook and her +husband was temporarily forgotten. No wonder that I felt bitter, and +brooded over the unsolved enigma known as the "servant question." + +When Letitia joined me, she led in the dirty brat by the hand. The +juvenile McCaffrey had evidently been washed. There was a line round its +neck that showed the limit of the operation. It had a sugar stick in +its mouth, which mercifully excluded "Ga-ga!" from utterance. Letitia +seemed rather thoughtful, and came up to me gently. + +"I'm sorry if I spoke harshly," she said, kissing me, "but--but--things +do seem to go so wrong, dear, don't they? I told Mrs. McCaffrey never to +touch her child again, and I asked her about her Christian principles." + +"Good!" I exclaimed savagely. + +"She was rather surprised, and a trifle impertinent, and thought that +ladies without children should not offer advice to mothers. From a few +remarks that she let drop unconsciously, I couldn't help thinking, +Archie, that she has had other children--plenty of them--dozens--" + +"Let us hope that they are dead," I said, in the quietude of despair. + +"Anyway, they don't matter, do they, as they are not here? Certainly, +Archie, I don't see why she shouldn't have had other children. Letitia +doesn't look to me like a first-born. She suggests the end of a long +scale--the culmination of a series. I don't know why. It doesn't concern +us, though. I have offered to take care of the child this evening as +Mrs. McCaffrey is going to see a sister who lives in Tremont. I +couldn't well refuse, could I? We are not going out." + +"Oh, hang it!" I cried. "An evening of 'Ga-ga!' You might have +considered _me_. It is all very well to think so much of Mrs. McCaffrey. +But, of course, _I_ haven't a sister in Tremont, and _I've_ got to stay +in and face the music." + +"Archie! Archie!" Letitia pleaded, "you are getting to be a regular old, +discontented, married man. You are beginning to talk to me as though--as +though I irritated you, and you couldn't stand me. Oh, dear! I should +never, never have thought that merely on account of a cook--" + +"Of three cooks!" I insisted. + +Letitia turned away from me, looking miserable, and my heart smote me. +The only thing to do was to make the best of it, after all. I had a +particular objection to degenerating into an ogre-husband, and probably +I had been exceedingly cross. Yet this situation was not due to Letitia +any more than it was to me. It was due to the probably noisome Mr. +McCaffrey, now defunct. He was responsible for the abominable child, and +had gone peacefully to his rest without a qualm. Even cook, herself, was +powerless. Domesticity was not all beer and skittles. So I smiled, and +tried to look pleasantly at the brat. It was not an easy task, +especially when I heard the front door shut and realized that the +cook-parent was on her way to Tremont, and our fate was "Ga-ga!" until +bed did us part. The child was eating the sugar sticks avidly, and was +refreshingly tranquil and silent. I took up an evening paper, hoping for +the best; Letitia made a feint at Ovid with one eye on the juvenile +McCaffrey. + +This did not last long. The brat grew restless and wandered +disconsolately around the room, leaving traces of sticky fingers +everywhere. Letitia merely pretended to read; I could see that. She +followed the child around with one eye, but said nothing, probably +unwilling to disturb me. Poor Letitia! The idea that she was frightened +of me was appalling. I could never endure that. I tried to lose myself +in absorbing stories of fires, and abductions, and murders. The murders +seemed particularly lively--almost sporty. Then I made up my mind to be +good-natured and was even planning a game of hide-and-seek, or +blindman's-buff, or hunt-the-slipper with Letitia and the McCaffrey cub, +when my good intentions were shattered. + +The child began to yell. It put its finger in its mouth and shouted. +Great tears rolled down its cheeks. Its face was distorted. It threw +itself down on the tiger-head and commenced to kick. The room was +filled with this alarming demonstration. Letitia rose, her face white; I +stood up suddenly, aghast at the din. + +"Great goodness!" cried Letitia in consternation. "It is a fit, I +think--or a convulsion--or a paralytic stroke. What's to be done, +Archie? Suppose--suppose--it dies before Mrs. McCaffrey gets back? Oh, +if I were only a mother, I should know what to do. Why--I wonder why I'm +not a mother!" + +We were both kneeling beside the child, who was still shouting blue +murders. Letitia lifted it up and held it upon her lap. I don't know +what I did. I fancy I stroked a head--but I don't know whether it was +Letitia's or the child's. To add to the complexity of the situation the +front-door bell rang, and I was obliged, in this cookless emergency, to +go to the door. Mrs. Archer had called to know what was the matter, and +to ask if she could be of any assistance. She followed me into the +drawing-room, and, as well as I could, I explained the case. Letitia, +herself, was almost hysterical and was unable to greet the newcomer, or +to introduce me formally to her sister victim in the Potzenheimer +incident. + +"There's nothing at all the matter with the child," declared Mrs. Archer +authoritatively, after a cursory examination. "It's just fractious, +Mrs. Fairfax. See--how all the time, it is pointing to that cabinet with +the little Indian ivory ornaments in it. It is merely crying for the +ornaments. Just try it. I bet that if you open that cabinet all this +agony will cease." + +For a moment I thought our neighbor was joking. The obstreperous +lamentations, the blood-curdling howls, the violent convulsions of +distress could only have proceeded from dire physical anguish. Letitia, +upon whose forehead the beads of perspiration stood in horrid salience, +put the child down, and in a frenzied manner rushed to the little +mahogany inlaid cabinet with the glass doors. The key was in the lock +and she turned it quickly. The door flew open, revealing a little ivory +doll, a wheel-barrow, a pagoda, a horse, a chess-table, a group of +animals, three Indian gentlemen in summer garb, and a whole stand of +pretty little Indian treasures that an uncle of mine had once bought in +Calcutta. + +The screams of the child suddenly ceased. The flux of tears was +instantly stayed. The wild moans no longer rent the atmosphere. It got +up on its feet, in the twinkling of a double bedpost, as it were, and +with a whoop of joy, scampered to the ivory collection. + +"Ga-ga!" it cried. "Ga-ga!" + +"Oh, Mrs. Archer!" almost sobbed Letitia in an ecstasy of gratitude--and +to my horror she kissed the stranger on both cheeks (and she had never +been introduced)--"you've saved us--you've saved us! Oh, I thought it +was dying--that perhaps the candy had poisoned it--and that when cook +returned, all we should have to hand her would be a corpse." + +"A very badly brought up child, Mrs. Fairfax," was Mrs. Archer's solemn +comment. "What it really needed was a good spanking." + +"Oh, no," exclaimed Letitia, "never. Corporal punishment is so +detestable, and so uncivilized. And for a mere baby! The mother slapped +it while we were at dinner, and I gave her a piece of my mind." + +"Well, now you are going to give the child several pieces of your +collection," Mrs. Archer said airily--she seemed to be a most sensible +and worthy woman--"and, of course, if you don't mind, it is all right. +Personally, I never believe in spoiling children. But--well I am so glad +it is nothing more than temper, dear Mrs. Fairfax, and dear Mr. Fairfax. +I fancied that perhaps a murder was being committed, and although Mr. +Archer warned me not to implicate myself in such matters--he is a very +suspicious man, is Mr. Archer--I felt that common decency necessitated +my giving you any assistance that lay in my poor power." + +Mrs. Archer discreetly withdrew, and I mixed a glass of weak +whisky-and-water for Letitia, who was still quite limp from the fray. We +were both of us inordinately thankful, for what had seemed like a +tragedy was averted. + +"Only to think," remarked Letitia, haply restored to serenity, "that I +know so little about children. I positively don't deserve to have any. +This is really an experience, Archie, isn't it? Such a terrible +commotion all hushed up by a few ivory trifles." + +We looked at the cabinet. It had been rifled of its contents. The "few +ivory trifles" were all over the floor. The tiny wheel-barrow had been +robbed of its wheels; the pagoda was even then in process of smash; the +dainty little chess-table had a leg missing. But the McCaffrey cub was +joyous and smiling, and as we approached it, called out "Ga-ga!" + +"Uncle Ben said they were very valuable, Letitia," I remarked rather +wearily. "One or two of them, he told me, could never be duplicated. The +work is very fine and artistic." + +"Ga-ga!" cried the brat, as it tore off another leg from the +chess-table. "Ga-ga!" + +"It _is_ rather cute when it's pleased," Letitia declared, smiling in +spite of the devastation. "Any way, Uncle Ben's present has been very +useful, Archie. Nobody ever really looked into that cabinet, and it is +in a dark corner of the room. I can put in a few little oddments from +the five-and-ten-cent store, and they will look very well behind glass, +and we can always say that Uncle Ben brought them to us from Bombay--or +was it Calcutta?" + +We sat there placidly and watched the ruthless destruction of the Indian +treasures, anxious that they should not pall upon the McCaffrey darling. +Letitia, I am quite certain, was prepared to break up the piano and give +the pieces to the cub to play with, if necessary. But peace seemed more +than usually delightful. Only once did another outbreak appear possible. +It was when, at eleven o'clock, Letitia suggested that the child be put +to bed. A mournful howl was wafted from the cabinet, and we decided to +take no risks. + +Just before midnight, Mrs. McCaffrey was sighted by Letitia at the +window, and a delightful sense of security became ours. + +"I shall tell her," said Letitia, before opening the door, "that we have +had a fearful time, and have been beside ourselves, so to speak." + +And as the amiable Hibernian came in, and we delivered over the child to +her, Letitia explained the situation, adding that we had been horribly +alarmed and distressed. + +"Oh, it's nothing," said Mrs. McCaffrey indulgently. "Letitia's often +taken like that. She has a bad temper, like her father. Don't pay any +attention to her again, Mrs. Fairfax. Just let her howl. She won't mind +it." + + + + +CHAPTER X + + +"Let us take a night off and enjoy ourselves, my girl," I said at +breakfast in one of those elaborately, "off-hand" manners that so +frequently betoken profound premeditation. "Somehow or other, we seem to +be getting into a groove, and--missing things. Don't you agree with me, +Letitia? A nice little dinner down town and a theater will cheer us up +wonderfully. We owe it to ourselves, I think, and--well, I believe in +paying that kind of debt, and not letting the account drag on," I added +felicitously. + +"Oh, yes," Letitia assented rather meditatively, and without enthusiasm, +"it would be very nice. Not that I feel the need of a change as much as +you do, Archie. However, it will do us good, and I'll tell Miriam that +we shall not be home, and that if she likes to ask her sister from +Tremont to dinner, she can do so. You see, dear, I fancy she was going +out to-night. That is why I hesitated about going to the theater. But +she will be just as pleased to entertain Mrs. O'Flaherty here, and if +you don't mind--" + +"Not at all," I said magnanimously, and I really meant it. If cook +could have more fun in our "home" than I did, she was welcome to it. +Domesticity, under impossible circumstances, was not essentially gay. So +set was I upon an evening of forgetfulness, that it seemed a trifle to +resign our apartment temporarily to cook and "me sister, Mrs. +O'Flaherty, of Tree-mont." + +"I fancy little Letitia looks rather pale," pursued my wife. "The run of +the house for a night will do her good, I am sure--" + +The run of the house had not been denied little Letitia, though I was +determined to keep silent and not argue the matter. Cook's child was not +particularly dear to me. We had her for breakfast and dinner. She stood +and watched me while I shaved. She had become hatefully affectionate, +and abominably fond of me. When I kissed Letitia before I went to the +office, the McCaffrey cub insisted upon similar treatment. This might +have been touching, but it wasn't. Letitia called me hard-hearted and +callous. I believe that she was a bit jealous. Although she devoted +herself heart and soul to the brat, it had no use whatsoever for her. +But I, who loathed it, was singled out for popularity, and the +compliment made no appeal to me. + +"Well, my dear," I said, as I rose from the table, "I'll take my evening +clothes with me in a dress-suitcase, and you can call for me at the +office at a quarter to seven. We'll dine until eight o'clock, and then +proceed to the theater. I'll get tickets this morning. What would you +like to see?" + +Letitia's lack of exuberance was rather depressing. A month ago she +would have hailed the prospect with joy, and an ebullition of girlish +delight. At present, she was apathetic. + +"Oh," she replied in a preoccupied manner, "I have no particular +choice." But suddenly she brightened up, and went on: "Yes, I have, +Archie. Somebody told me that _Merely Mary Arm_ was absolutely charming. +It is the story of a little servant girl, a drudge in a lodging-house, a +pathetic figure, that--" + +"No, dear," I said peremptorily, "we get all the servant girl we need in +this cunning little home. I don't see why we should pay four dollars to +see Mr. Zangwill's English idea--idealized, of course, for the stage. It +would be cheaper to stay at home and weep over the real American thing." + +"But perhaps," said Letitia thoughtfully, "if we could really feel sorry +for Mary Ann, we might be less harshly disposed toward Anna Carter, or +Mrs. Potzenheimer, or Mrs. McCaffrey." + +"No, my dear," I murmured sadly, "it would be waste of time. I decline +to see _Merely Mary Arm_. The subject is disgusting to me. We want to +get away from ourselves when we go to the theater. We don't want to +reopen wounds, and brood." + +"But in this Zangwill play," she persisted, "Mary Ann inherits five +million dollars, and becomes a society girl, in pink chiffon and +low-neck." + +"Which is immoral," I declared. "It is a nasty, low, and revolutionary +idea--enough to make all cooks anarchists. Such plays should be +prohibited by a censor. Positively to make a heroine of one of these +creatures, who break up happy homes and make life unendurable, who seem +to be responsible for everything, from race-suicide to--" + +"Hush, Archie!" cried Letitia indignantly, "I can't discuss these social +questions with you. I haven't been married long enough. I still consider +them improper. Besides, you can't accuse Mrs. McCaffrey of race-suicide, +with little Letitia--" + +"Oh, they reserve the right to have as many children as they like," I +retorted bitterly, "but if _you_ had them, they would soon let you know +what they thought of you." + +"You mustn't talk to me like this, Archie," said Letitia, vexed, "you +wouldn't have done so when we were engaged. I consider such conversation +rowdy--just fit for the smoking-room. And as we haven't a smoking-room +you must restrain yourself, please. However, I am willing to drop +_Merely Mary Arm_. The reason I suggested it was that I thought it might +make us both kinder and more indulgent." + +"Imagine old Potzenheimer with five million dollars, and low-neck!" I +exclaimed, outraged. "I call it absolutely nauseating." + +"Not if we _could_ imagine it, dear," she said gently. "Zangwill is an +artist, and I hoped that if we saw the subject poetically treated, and +really shed tears for Mary Ann, as Aunt Julia wrote me yesterday that +she did--" + +"No, Letitia. I should shed tears only for Mary Ann's employer. It is +the employers who are the martyrs. It would be better and less expensive +to stay at home and shed tears for ourselves. For example, I feel +depressed when I think of that cabinet of Indian _bibelots_ all in rack +and ruin--the only present that Uncle Ben ever gave me, and he is dead!" +I added lugubriously. + +"How _can_ you be so petty, Archie? I am surprised at you worrying about +that ivory rubbish hidden away in a cabinet." + +"Please, Letitia," I interrupted with dignity, "please don't call it +rubbish. Uncle Ben was not the man to give his favorite nephew +rubbish." + +"Oh, how we argue! How we argue!" she exclaimed desperately. "I am +astonished at this acidulation of character. No more of _Merely Mary +Arm_. You ask me what I want to see, and then decline to see it. It +doesn't matter. I'll select something else. Suppose you get tickets for +the Barrie play, _The Admirable Crichton_." + +"That's more like it, old girl," I responded exultantly. "Barrie is +delightful. He wrote _The Little Minister_ and _Quality Street_, didn't +he? He is reliable; always good--like tea. I admire his originality." + +"In _The Admirable Crichton_," said Letitia, rather demurely, I thought, +"there is an old nobleman, who believes in equality. His mania takes the +form of treating his servants as his equals. He invites them to parties +in his own drawing-room, and makes his own daughters, ladies of title, +wait upon them, and ply them with cake and lemonade." + +"Bosh!" I ejaculated furiously. "It must be in the air--this vile theme. +It is a germ. It is a microbe. I won't pay to see such depravity on the +stage. I simply refuse. I--" + +"And then," Letitia went on sedately--I couldn't help fancying that she +was enjoying herself, and that galled me--"they are all wrecked on a +desert island, and the servant becomes the master of the situation, +while the old nobleman fetches and carries, and proves that outside of +civilization there is no such thing as social superiority." + +"Ha! ha!" I laughed sarcastically. "Imagine going to a desert island to +prove it. He could find proof of that right here in New York--right here +in this very apartment." + +"Archie!" + +"Certainly he could. Moreover, it is an idea that needs no illumination, +to my mind. If that is _The Admirable Crichton_ I don't want to see it. +I wouldn't sit it out. Possibly it might be amusing in England. Here, I +should consider it insulting. The idea of letting a foreigner treat the +servant question for New York. Where is the American playwright? Why +don't we foster him? Why are we obliged to swallow the dramatic food +made for European stomachs? The only 'servant' play I want to see, is +one that places her in her true light--as the bar to marriage, the bar +to family life, the bar to domesticity, the bar to digestion, to mental +serenity, to--" + +Letitia rose suddenly, and confronted me. "I can suggest nothing else," +she asserted doggedly; "I seem unable to please you. Take tickets for +anything you like." + +"There seems to be a cook in everything," I declared dejectedly, "and I +want to escape it. Don't be so angry with me, Letitia. In reality, it is +for your sake as much as for my own. I guess I'll take tickets for the +opera. It's _Parsifal_ to-night. I never read musical criticisms, as +they are so prohibitively prosy, but if you can assure me that there is +no cook in _Parsifal_--" + +"How ignorant you are, Archie! _Parsifal_ is sacred, and deals with the +Holy Grail." + +"Still, they might sneak a cook in," I insisted with irony. "I wouldn't +put them past it. Everything is adapted, nowadays, and grand opera +artists would lend themselves so easily to the rôles of cooks. However, +_Parsifal_ seems safe. There is less risk about it than anything else. +To be sure, Wagner is rather stupefying, and you remember, dear, that we +had our first quarrel after hearing _Siegfried_. It made us both so +cross." + +"It doesn't need _Siegfried_ to do that, nowadays," she said sadly. + +"I'm a brute, Letitia. I know I am. Forgive me just this once, dear, and +I'll try and be better. I--I'll look on the bright side of things, +and--and I won't argue so much. I'll take tickets for _Parsifal_ even +though they cost ten dollars apiece. The idea of the Holy Grail appeals +to me. It doesn't sound humorous, and Barrie and Zangwill seem to be +dying to vent their sense of the ridiculous upon a suffering public. So +it is understood, Letitia. _Parsifal_ to-night, preceded by a dainty +little dinner." + +"The opera begins at five," said Letitia, "and I don't think I could +leave the house at that hour. It is an uncomfortable hour." + +"Quite right, dear. Let _Parsifal_ adapt itself to us. It is absurd to +make a toil of pleasure. Besides, one never understands anything at the +opera, so it doesn't really matter at what time one gets there. We will +not alter our plans. I shall wait at the office for you until a quarter +to seven. Then dinner, a cab, and _Parsifal_. Say that this pleases you, +Letitia." + +"Oh, I'm glad, dear. I want to see you pleased. I hate to have my poor +boy cross and disagreeable, and misanthropic. And I am anxious to hear +_Parsifal_, so that I can _say_ I have heard it. You understand, Archie. +Perhaps we may not enjoy it while we are there, but I know we shall be +delighted when it is over, and we can truthfully say that we have sat +through it. There is no glory in sitting through an amusing play. But it +_is_ quite a feather in one's cap to go deliberately through a +performance of _Parsifal_. It is a good idea, Archie." + +Letitia put my evening clothes in a dress-suit-case, and, with a heart +once more lightened, I departed. The old affection lingered in her +parting kiss; she clung to me tenderly, and although the McCaffrey brat +hovered around, and Letitia insisted upon my kissing its sticky face, I +made no protest. The prospect of a night off made a boy of me again. I +felt young, and enthusiastic, and happy. + +It was not easy to buy _Parsifal_ tickets. Evidently the subject of the +Holy Grail, heavy, lugubrious, massive, with an elusive fantasy about +it, appealed to the wearied hearts of New York. A long line of women +stood making _Parsifal_ investments, anxious doubtless, as we were, to +spend a cookless evening. Probably these women would have winced at +suggestions of _Merely Mary Ann_ and _The Admirable Crichton_. I +couldn't help thinking, as, in return for a twenty-dollar bill, I +received a couple of pasteboard bits, that if New York managers had +homes of their own, and lived the lives of the public, for which they +cater, their views upon the desirability of certain plays would change. +Managers are not conspicuously domestic in their habits, and they have +no inkling of the real joys and sorrows of their clients. They produce +plays written in other lands, for the people of other lands, and reason +that human nature is the same everywhere. In which, I ween, they err. +They are impatient and restive at their many failures, but--they +continue their policy of risk. + +The day passed slowly. Tamworth seemed sorry for me when I told him that +I was going to the opera, and suggested that I take a pillow with me--a +rather tactless remark, I thought. He had once suffered, he said, from +insomnia, and the doctors had almost despaired of curing him. He grew +thin and restless, through lack of sleep. He read the very dullest books +he could find, every night--all the romances and historical novels--and +even these that had never failed him before as a narcotic, were useless. +Then, in an inspired moment, he went to the Metropolitan House and +tackled _Der Nibelungenring_. Wagner triumphed over the physicians. +Morpheus emerged from his hiding-place, and insomnia was vanquished. +Said Tamworth: "Nowadays, if I have a return of my old complaint, I just +walk up Broadway and look at the outside of the Metropolitan House. The +effect is magical. I go home and sleep the sleep of the virtuous." + +This was not encouraging, but I did not repine. Better a peaceful +nerveless lethargy, induced by the Holy Grail, than the discordant din +of horse-laughter set in motion by ill-timed variations, in fantasy +form, upon tragic domestic themes. + +At six o'clock, I was left alone in the office. Tamworth went home; and +so did the typists and clerks. It occurred to me that I might utilize a +half-hour or so by working upon my _Lives of Great Men_, the thread of +which I had lost. I was hopelessly out of tune with lives of great men. +Lives of great women--the great women of the kitchen--had lured me +astray. Goethe was obscured by Mrs. Potzenheimer; Molière lurked beneath +the shade of Birdie Miriam McCaffrey. I found it quite impossible to +concentrate my thoughts. They were diffuse, and unresponsive. They +wobbled; and I abandoned my task. Instead, I donned my evening clothes, +and made myself look as presentable as I could. I was alarmingly hungry, +and could not repress a sensation of furtive delight at the thought that +we were to dine at a restaurant, where nobody would say "Ga-ga!" and I +should not have to call the waiter Miriam. We would begin steadily and +industriously with oysters, and plow our way methodically through +everything, until we landed safe and sound, at coffee. + +Man proposes. At a quarter to seven I put on my overcoat, and went to +the window to wave to Letitia as soon as I saw her approach. She was +generally punctuality itself, and prided herself upon it. As time +dragged itself slowly along, however, and the slim little figure I knew +so well was not to be detected in the Twenty-third crowd, I began to get +nervous and apprehensive. Perhaps there had been an accident on the +elevated. I thought up all sorts of catastrophes, and when the clock +struck seven I had worked myself into a distressing state of +perturbation. Something had assuredly happened, and I made up my mind to +wait five minutes longer before telephoning. If Letitia had left the +house--as she must have done--it was not much use telephoning. Certainly +Birdie--I always thought of her aggressively as Birdie--would know +nothing about answering telephone rings. Moreover, she was probably +vividly engaged in entertaining "me sister, Mrs. O'Flaherty, of +Tree-mont." + +Seven-twenty, and no Letitia. Even if she came, we should have but forty +minutes to devote to dinner. Food, however, was rapidly losing all +interest for me. I grew cold as the minutes passed. A sense of +powerlessness overcame me. At last I could stand it no longer, and going +to the telephone I rang up my own address, and then stood, nervously +shivering, until I got it. + +"This is Archie," I said tremblingly. "It is I--Archie. Who is that at +the 'phone?" + +A moment's pause, then: "Birdie--I mean Miriam. You are Archie?" + +My worst fears seemed about to be realized. I felt like the pain-racked +husband in the little play _At the Telephone_. I scarcely dared to +listen. "This is Mr. Fairfax, Mrs. McCaffrey. What has happened? Tell me +quickly." + +"Letitia's awful sick, and the doctor's coming to see what the matter +is." + +The perspiration was trickling down my face. The roots of my hair seemed +to tighten. Letitia was too ill to answer the telephone! The familiarity +of cook's allusion to my wife passed unnoticed in the wave of +apprehension that swept over me. + +"Telephone at once for the doctor, and I'll come right back," I +commanded. + +"The doctor's telephone doesn't work," was the reply, "and your wife has +gone to fetch him. Me sister, Mrs. O'Flaherty, was too tired to go, and +I had to stay with Letitia." + +A ray of light! I laughed--almost hysterically. The sudden removal of +the nervous tension nearly made me collapse. It was the McCaffrey brat +that was "awful sick," and as I hung up the receiver, I experienced +nothing but a sense of utter thankfulness. Our little dinner most +assuredly was off, and the Holy Grail was lost. Then a normal sense of +vexation set in, and I felt indignant as I thought of Letitia trotting +off for De Voursney, while I was left, lamenting. + +If I had only been strong-minded enough to dine in town alone, and go to +the opera in solitary state! Now that I knew Letitia was unharmed, I +could easily have done this, and telephoned my determination to her. +Unluckily, I was not built for such a course. Such stringency might be +effective, but it was beyond me. I could not take my pleasures +wifelessly. The only thing to do was to go home, and I should have been +impelled to this course, even if I had been expected to sit up all night +with cook's brat--and I was not at all sure that Letitia would not +suggest this. + +My mood had changed, and despondency had set in. I put my clothes into +the dress-suit-case, locked up the office, and went home as rapidly as I +could, after having bestowed the two ten-dollar _Parsifal_ tickets upon +the elevator boy, who rather ruefully told me that he had seats for the +Third Avenue Theater, where they were playing a pretty little thing +called _Too Proud to Beg_. I was not too proud, however, and I begged +him to take twenty-dollars' worth of opera, for my sake, which he +promised to do. + +Letitia was very flushed and excited when I reached our apartment. It +was she who opened the door, and I noticed that she had her hat and coat +on. + +"Oh, Archie, I'm so sorry," she said lachrymosely, "and I do hope that +you are not disappointed. Poor little Letitia is quite ill and feverish. +She has been moaning and crying 'Ga-ga!' I had to go for De Voursney, +and he is here now. I couldn't send Miriam, or Mrs. O'Flaherty, or the +three girls." + +"The three girls!" + +"Yes, Archie. Cook has three other daughters, who live with Mrs. +O'Flaherty, and they are all here--very nice respectable girls." + +"She has no right--" + +"What can I do, Archie? Besides, they live in Tremont, so that really +they don't concern us. She might have been frank, and have candidly +admitted that little Letitia had sisters. But, perhaps, if you had to +earn your living as a cook, dear, you would do the same thing under the +same circumstances. We won't argue; I don't feel equal to it. Ah, here +_is_ the doctor." + +Dr. De Voursney entered at that moment, and shook hands most amiably. +His presence was generally reassuring, but I must admit that at present +I felt no very wild sense of alarm. + +"Glad to see you, Mr. Fairfax,"' he said, rubbing his hands affably. +"The little patient has a febrile disturbance, and I notice a stiffening +of the parotid gland in front of the ear. I should say undoubtedly--in +fact I can affirm--that it is a case of _cynanche parotidaea_." + +Letitia grew pale. "How horrible!" she exclaimed in a low voice. + +"Perhaps you could give it us in English," I suggested ironically. "Mrs. +Fairfax is well versed in Latin, but medical phrases, I am afraid--" + +"Certainly--oh, certainly," he said, in irrepressible good humor. "I +generally use Latin in apartment houses and reserve mere English for the +tenements. _Cynanche parotidaea_ is very prevalent just at present. It +is almost epidemic. Gentle laxatives and warm fomentations are really +all that it is necessary to prescribe. In English, we call the malady, +mumps." + +"Mumps!" I murmured. + +"Mumps!" exclaimed Letitia. + +"It is not serious, as you may perceive. It is painful and quite ugly to +look at. I shall leave some directions with the mother and shall come in +to-morrow morning." + +"Is it catching?" I asked anxiously. + +"Nothing more so--nothing more so," he replied cheerfully. "It is +highly contagious. It spreads through schools, through apartment houses, +with the rapidity of lightning." + +"Then you think that my wife might--" + +"I should say it was very likely--extremely probable," he declared, +beaming upon us; "still it might be worse. Now, you know, scarlet fever, +at present, is raging in this neighborhood. I have just come from a +house where six little children are attacked, and the seventh has all +the symptoms--" + +We bowed him out in a trail of depression, and stood looking at each +other silently. Then Letitia slowly took off her hat and coat and I did +the same, deposing my dress-suit-case in my bedroom viciously. Fate was +not smiling upon us. + +Miriam came bustling in, with a grim, set face. She scowled as she saw +us, and placed her arms akimbo, in the style made popular by fishwives, +and _Madame Angot_. + +"I've packed off me sister, Mrs. O'Flaherty, and me daughters in a +hurry," she said savagely. "Yer doctor says it's catching, and it's just +me luck that Muriel, and Rosalind, and Winnifred should have been here. +Worse luck to it, say I! Me poor Letitia, a-prattling so cutely as she's +laid low by the nasty disease." + +"It is not at all serious," murmured Letitia sympathetically. + +"For them as ain't got it--no, it ain't serious," said Birdie Miriam +McCaffrey mockingly. "For them as ain't got it--it just tickles, that's +all. Curse me for a-comin' here. That's my motto. 'The neighborhood's +just alive with it,' says yer doctor. 'It's in the air. It's epileptic. +Why,' says he, 'there's hardly a house where they ain't got mumps.' Nice +for me, eh? If them's yer Christian principles, luring a hard-working +woman, with a child, into a mumpy house, and a-saying no word to put her +on her guard--" + +"You can go whenever you are ready," I said loftily, "and no +impertinence, please." + +"As soon as my Letitia can be moved--if the poor thing ever lives +through it--and I have me doubts, as she's that delicate--we'll go. Oh, +we'll go, right enough. Don't you worry about that. Not if yez poured +gold at me feet, and if I wuz a-perishing for want of a bit o' food, to +keep body and soul together, would I stay in a house that's alive with +germs. 'Yes,' says yer doctor, 'it's a germ. It's a mikey in the air.' +Me poor Mike! 'A mikey in the air,' says he. And I only hope that me +Muriel, and Rosalind, and Winnifred will be spared, as it's so catching. +Why didn't ye tell me, Mrs. Fairfax? Why didn't ye say, when ye come +down to Sixth Avenue, that there was diseases all around? Play fair; +that's my motto. I don't believe in no underhand game, I don't. Not for +me!" + +As she flounced out of the room, Letitia sank into a chair and burst +into tears. The twittering of Birdie had been horribly effective. It had +made me feel nervous and unstrung. Logic was quite unavailing, and for +the first time in my life, I realized that those with a sense of humor +might have fared better than we did. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + +It was undignified, but necessary. Any other course would have been +impossible. It was a case of bowing to the inevitable--and it seems to +me that the inevitable simply exists for the sake of the curtseys +bestowed upon it by unfortunates. One is always bowing and scraping to +the inevitable. It is a species of toadyism that is invariably omitted +from textbooks on the sublime art of sycophancy. + +The inevitable, in this particular instance, was Aunt Julia. After the +vociferous, verbose, and vortiginous departure of Birdie Miriam and the +convalescent brat, dread symptoms of _cynanche parotidaea_ appeared in +Letitia, herself; we were alone, helpless, and mump-ridden, and it was +Letitia who suggested Aunt Julia. I made few telephonic explanations to +Tarrytown. I merely begged my aunt-in-law to put a few things in a +valise and come to us at once, as her niece was quite ill. This was +true. By the time Aunt Julia arrived, Letitia's fair face had lost its +outlines. In the grip of this most prosaic indisposition she was +inclined to be irritable--particularly when she looked at herself in the +glass, which she did every five minutes. Some patients, it is said, are +amused at the facial contortions guaranteed by this ailment. They must +be the patients who own a sense of humor. Letitia was awed by her own +ugliness, and I must confess that I hated to look at her. She insisted +upon wearing a lace mantilla over her head, and fastening it with a +diamond brooch beneath her chin. Under other circumstances this might +have seemed Spanish, but Letitia was cross, and when I dared to suggest +that she was emulating Otero, she was most indignant, and thought my +remark uncalled for. + +Aunt Julia's advent was very welcome. After all, she had fine qualities. +There was not a suspicion of the baleful "I told you so" in her manner. +She _did_ turn away her head several times, as Letitia narrated the +tragic stories of Anna Carter, _La_ Potzenheimer, and Birdie Miriam, but +although I had a suspicion that she was exuding mirth, I could not prove +it. I could not have sworn that Aunt Julia was laughing, although I +followed her face round the corner, so to speak. Mercifully, Letitia was +unable to do this, owing to circumstances--to say nothing of +swellings--over which she had no control. My poor Letitia! If +irritability were a good sign--as old women declare--her convalescence +soon set in. She was as "cross as two sticks," as my old nurse used to +remark. + +The worst of it was that I had to absent myself from the office until +Aunt Julia arrived. I told Tamworth that my wife had tonsilitis, as I +thought it sounded better and would be more evocative of sympathy. +People are sorry when you say tonsilitis; they are merely amused when +you mention mumps. A heroine with mumps, or even toothache, is a +romantic impossibility; but tonsilitis or nervous prostration is less +destructive to poetic commiseration. + +"You have probably arrived at a conclusion often forced upon me," said +Aunt Julia, as her keen, beady eyes roved around the room. "The happiest +day after that upon which cook arrives is that upon which cook departs." + +If _I_ had dared to say that, Letitia would have exclaimed ironically, +"How clever!" or, "How epigrammatic!" and I should have been instantly +snubbed. As it was, she murmured a dutiful "Yes, aunt," and sat with her +hands folded in her lap, meekness personified. + +Aunt Julia, however, was not particularly restful to the nerves +overweeningly unstrung. Even while she was listening to our history she +was bustling about, arranging things, and--of course!--dusting. She +flicked dust from the piano, filched it from the ornaments, dug it from +the tiger-head, blew it from the pictures, rubbed it from the +chair-backs, fought it from the window-sills. And then--if any had +remained--I am perfectly certain that she would have eaten it. Dust was +Aunt Julia's weakness, as it is the weakness of many women. If dust had +sex, it would assuredly be masculine, as the majority of women are so +disgracefully attentive to it. They run after it so rudely. It is only +the intellectual, large-minded women, who don't mind a little bit of +harmless dust, and can sit still comfortably while it settles and enjoys +itself. The others are always pottering around after it, making their +own life, and that of their associates, unnecessarily miserable. +Personally, dust has always seemed to me to be homelike and cozy, and I +hate to see it flagged away and routed. + +"You see," said Aunt Julia triumphantly, as she lifted the clock from +the mantel-piece, and revealed the huge space, surrounded entirely by +thick dust, upon which it had stood, "you two children, who are always +talking cooks, really need what we call a general. You want somebody who +will dust as well as cook. Apparently, you have secured ladies who could +do neither." + +"You engaged Anna Carter for us, aunt," remarked Letitia pointedly, and +I could have applauded her gladly, if I had not been in my own house. +The opportunities for being impolite are wonderfully curtailed nowadays. +Etiquette says that you must be polite in your own house; you must be +polite in other people's houses. Apparently, one can be impolite only +out of doors. + +"And I particularly told her," said Aunt Julia emphatically, "that the +main thing was to keep the place spick-and-span. I made more of a point +of that than I did of the cooking. Healthy young people don't want a lot +of messy '_à la_' dishes, but they do want immaculate living rooms." + +"Oh, Aunt Julia--" Letitia began argumentatively. + +"Oh, Aunt Julia!" mimicked the old lady. "Wait until you can afford to +keep three or four servants before you put on so many airs. 'Oh, Aunt +Julia!' Yes, and 'Oh, Aunt Julia' again! With your 'drawing-room' and +your 'evening dress' and your menus you want a retinue of domestics. You +think that all you have to do is to sit down and live artistically in +the most inartistic and impossible city in the world. I say that, and +I'm a good American, too. And there's no 'Oh, Aunt Julia!' about it, +either." + +I bit my lips, and impressed upon my mind the fact that I was in my own +house. I should have liked to ask Aunt Julia to walk with me to the +corner, so that I could say rude things to her. Of course her +statements were absolutely grotesque and ridiculous, and both Letitia +and I knew it. We exchanged sympathetic glances. I could have laughed in +scorn at Aunt Julia. Letitia couldn't, of course, as her face was not in +laughing order. + +"In the meantime, Aunt Julia," I said with an effort--I _had_ thought of +addressing her as "Mrs. Dinsmore," but, after all, she was there at my +invitation--"you see we have no servant at present. What can we do? +Letitia can't leave the house; I am unable to cook a dinner; I _could_ +take a basket and sally forth to the delicatessen shops, but--" + +"I'm here," replied Aunt Julia, spreading her hands whimsically. "Like +the poor, I am always with you. And I assure you, you silly helpless +things, that the situation is not too many for me. In fact, I am +distinctly able to cope with it. My motto in life has been: Don't worry +about being rich; don't bother about being poor; but do, for goodness' +sake, make up your mind to be independent. That's it--independence. Do +you fancy that a mere cook can either make or mar me? And yet, my dear +Letitia, and my equally dear Archibald, I flatter myself that I am quite +as good, socially, as anybody you are ever likely to meet. I have known +the time when I have cooked an entire dinner, from soup to sweets, and +sat at the head of my own table, in a low-neck dress and entertained my +guests, who probably thought that I had lolled on a sofa all day, and +read--er--Ovid!" she added maliciously. + +This sounded horribly Sandford-and-Merton-y. I was Sandford, and Letitia +was Merton, while Aunt Julia appeared to be that detestable consummation +of all the virtues, Mr. Barlow. I nearly called her "Uncle Barlow," but +haply refrained in time. + +"I don't like the idea of your slaving, Aunt Julia," began Letitia, +adjusting her mantilla. + +"I don't say that I should select it as a pastime," asserted that lady, +in her most formidable manner; "but when it is necessary--and it often +is, even in the best regulated families (among which I do not class this +household)--I am always on hand. The situation is mine, absolutely. You +see my education was unlike yours, Letitia. I am saying nothing against +my poor sister, Frances, your dear mother, who had her own views, but I +assert that the average American woman is quite helpless and--and--the +race suffers." + +"Don't lecture me, please, Aunt Julia," cried Letitia feebly. "I know +I'm helpless, but Archie is quite willing to pay for help, and--I can't +be squalid. Excuse me, Aunt Julia." + +"Certainly," she said amiably, "I'll excuse you. You can't be squalid, +but you _can_ be dusty. Personally, I'd sooner be squalid, as you call +it, but tastes differ, as the old lady remarked when she kissed her cow. +Thank goodness, I've removed a few of the evidences of neglect. I think +I'll rest for a few minutes. You sit still, Letitia, and you, Mr. +Archie, don't get fidgetty. The trouble to-day is that the average New +York woman who gets married doesn't want cooking, or housekeeping, or +children, or the comradeship of a man. She wants diamonds for her ears, +silks for her back, furs for her shoulders. She'd sooner live in an +apartment that has a palatial entrance, and dark, airless cubby-holes +for rooms; she'd sooner go and dine at a _table d'hôte_ restaurant than +order her own dinner at home; she'd sooner pant in impossible waists and +flaunt herself before the world as some odious 'Gibson' freak, than stay +at home in something loose, and have healthy children easily." + +"Aunt Julia!" cried Letitia, aghast. "You really mustn't--before +Archie." + +"Please, Mrs. Dinsmore," I objected, "such things--before Letitia--" + +"Don't add prudery to your other follies," retorted this terrible old +lady, "I hate it. What is, is; and we might as well talk about it. +Somebody has said, Letitia (and it wasn't your friend Ovid, the +chestnut), that decency is indecency's conspiracy of silence--which is +clever. You see, I read occasionally, squalid though I be. It is a true +remark. I hope you'll have children, but not until you know what to do +with them, and are not as dependent upon a nurse as you are upon a cook. +Then you would be treating your own children as badly as you now treat +your own stomachs. Your poor stomachs!" + +Involuntarily I placed my hand on the lower part of my waistcoat. There +was certainly a flatness there. Strangely enough, Letitia did the +same--omitting of course the waistcoat. We were both so indignant with +Aunt Julia, that this silent action probably took the place of insulting +words. + +"Home is a thing that is going out of fashion in this city," Aunt Julia +continued bitingly. "It is a place to sleep in, to get your letters at; +a spot in which to blazon forth your name, for the compilers of the city +directory. American women prefer to dine out, dance out, make merry out. +They even like to get married--out. Probably they will have their +children out, one of these days. There will be elegant caterers to +expectant mothers. No, Letitia, you can't stop me. I intend to have my +say. The situation confronts us. Let us face it, manfully or +womanfully." + +"You talk as though we were trying to demolish the home, Aunt Julia," +said Letitia, endeavoring to infuse an expression of indignation into +her poor congested face. "We are doing our best. We are anxious to live +in the house, and not out of it. What are we to do? We are unfortunate." + +"Stuff and nonsense!" retorted Aunt Julia irritably; "if I were not here +at this moment, and if you, Letitia, were not indisposed, the two of you +would be trotting out to your meals to-day, ruining your digestions with +unhealthy food, and doing it because cook had left. 'Oh, Aunt Julia!' I +anticipate that you were about to remark. Bah! I've no patience with +you. Now, if instead of reading the ridiculous antiquities you affect, +you were to set to work and study the--er--cook-book--" + +"I shall never advise Letitia, at her age, to stupefy herself with such +literature," I asserted stoutly; "I don't believe in it." + +"What you believe in is of no consequence, Archibald," she declared, +rising suddenly, as another dusty spot dawned upon her vision. "You can +put on your things, my boy, and go to your office. I take charge. I +guarantee you a dinner to-night--no sticky _à la_ affair, but something +that will appeal to a healthy appetite. Go down-town, and leave Letitia +alone with me. I promise you that I shan't ask her to do anything. She +can read the classics, if she likes, as long as she doesn't read 'em +aloud to me. The classics in the Harlem end of Columbus Avenue! Ha! Ha! +Ha! Now, vanish, Mr. Fairfax. I can't stand a man in the house, in the +daytime." + +"I think you're unjust, Aunt Julia," murmured Letitia; "poor Archie is +so domestic. He loves to be around." + +"Sitting in thick dust," added Mrs. Dinsmore, "and imagining that he's +milord Tomnoddy; also encouraging you to live in the clouds. And now, if +you'll excuse me, I'll go and introduce myself to the kitchen. No, +Letitia, don't trouble to come with me, for I'm perfectly convinced that +you don't know the difference between a saucepan and a corkscrew. I can +find my way, and I shall amuse myself. I quite enjoy the idea of a +regular, old-fashioned set-to. _Au revoir._ Dinner at six, Mr. Fairfax. +By-the-by, I forgot to bring a low-neck bodice with me. Do you mind? +I'll sit outside in Mrs. Potzenheimer's sanctum, if, by any chance, I +should be offensive to your evening eyes." + +And off she went. Letitia and I sat staring at each other, lacking even +the gumption to smile. Upon the silence was borne the tin-ny noise of +pots and pans apparently being routed and abused. A second later, and we +heard Aunt Julia singing. That settled it. I closed the door. I loathe +cheery kitchen music--especially _Bedelia_. + +"I'll go, Letitia," I sighed; "I'm turned out. I shall advertise at +once. We can't trespass upon Aunt Julia's--er--er--kindness." + +"Yes, do, Archie,"--and Letitia also sighed; "Aunt Julia means well, but +she's very old-fashioned. You mustn't mind what she said, dear. I dare +say I don't know very much, but if I had been a kitchen-y old _Frau_, +you wouldn't have liked me, and we shouldn't have been married. Of +course, there _are_ servants. Somebody must have them. We've had a few +failures, but we'll try again." + +I kissed her quite pathetically, and started officeward with a heavy +heart. It seemed delightful to get away from the mugginess of home, and +I marveled at my sensations. They were so strange. The people in the +streets all interested me. There seemed to be such a quantity of women. +Women, women, everywhere, but not a cook to greet! A longing to pounce +upon some of the nice, comfortable-looking women I saw, and cry: "Come +live with me, and be my cook," took possession of me. We wanted so +little, Letitia and I; just a domesticated home-body who would ply us +with easy dishes, and let us "live our life"--as Ibsen would say. Was +there anything exaggerated in these demands? + +In the train, I sat opposite a most attractive looking colored person; +one might have almost called her a party. She eyed me rather furtively, +and had perhaps some telepathic inkling of my mood. Oh, if I had owned +the courage to throw myself at her feet, and beg her to come cook for +us! I lacked the necessary nerve. She looked as though she could +contrive dainty Southern dishes, and I was particularly fond of +terrapin. But perhaps, I told myself cynically, she couldn't even boil +an egg, and I should find myself landed again in the midst of the alarms +of delicatessen. + +At Eighty-first Street, a neat looking young woman got in, and became +the object of my culinary speculation. I liked her appearance immensely, +and would have engaged her upon the spot, without references, if the +opportunity had been there. I felt certain that she would get along +admirably with Letitia,--my poor Letitia, who would have been so +considerate and indulgent with her cooks if they had only permitted it. +Why, she had even hinted at her intention of giving Birdie Miriam her +low-neck, white chiffon bodice, in a week or two, when she had no more +use for it. Fool that I was! I had argued with Letitia upon the +incongruity of presenting Mrs. McCaffrey with a _décolleté_ waist, and +had quite vexed myself. I had told Letitia that I couldn't possibly eat +stew, if a low-neck cook brought it in. It was so unnecessary, for +Birdie Miriam had departed long before the gift was ready for her +acceptance. + +The girl who got in at Eighty-first Street appealed to me. An impulse, +quite irresistible, seized me. I felt that both Aunt Julia and Letitia +would look upon me as a hero, if suddenly I marched in with a splendid +cook that I had fished, unaided, from an elevated train. I say the +impulse was irresistible. It was. I edged up to the young woman. I tried +to attract her attention by nudging her. I smiled, and was about to +speak, when she rose, and in a loud voice, cried: "Say, you're too +fresh! Where d'ye think ye are?" + +In an instant a stout Irishman was on his feet, and I heard him mutter +something about "cursed mashers." A disgraceful scene impended, and the +horror of being accused of "mashing," when I was merely intent on +"cook-ing," overwhelmed me. I apologized abjectly, and though I was now +more certain than I had been before that the young woman was a cook, +the fact that I was laying myself open to suspicion dawned suddenly upon +me. The Irishman sat down glowering, presumably rather vexed at the +de-materialization of a fight, and I continued my journey down-town, +silently. The young woman left the train at Fifty-third Street, with a +malicious, provocative smile in my direction, but I was in no mood to +notice it ostentatiously. + +The car was filled with smiling, radiant women, all evidently free from +domestic care. My poor mind ran in the one groove only. Had they cooks? +If so, how? Did they dine at restaurants? Had they homes? I listened to +their conversation. It was not exhilarating; it was interspersed with +"and I says," "and she says," and then, "says she to me," and "says I to +her." They were jovially wallowing in a cheery labyrinth of +non-refinement and banality, and it occurred to me that perhaps some of +this domestic problem's difficulties lay in the fact that the mental +difference between cook and her mistress was not marked enough! This was +a horrid thought. Don't blame me for it. One thinks horrid things when +one is gloomy and oppressed--horrid things that are also unjust. + +At Twenty-third Street domestic thoughts vanished. The troubles of home +evaporated in that atmosphere of stately hotels, and shops, and +carriages, and pretty women, and theaters. Just once these memories +returned. It was when I passed the Flat-iron Building, and thought, in a +bitter vengeful spirit, that I would like to condemn Aunt Julia to flick +dust from every window in that most oppressive pile. What a gorgeous +revenge it would be! + +At the office I worked automatically. I read two manuscripts that had +been submitted for publication. Both were humorous, and they disgusted +me. My mood was not one that the authors of those luckless manuscripts +would have liked to see. It augured ill for their work. I frowned at +their fantasies and ground my teeth at their airy flights. This was rank +injustice, of course, and I felt it my duty to state, in declining these +works, that "humor was not our specialty." I thought that rather neat. +Of course, in these days of ferocious competition, the authors would +feel but little discomfiture. Others would appreciate their labors. +Personally, as I have said, I hate humorists. Undoubtedly there are +perversities on earth who could turn my cooks to humorous account. They +need never apply to me for a lift toward publicity. Humor is assuredly +abnormal. + +I rather dreaded the idea of going home. I had visions of boiled +mutton, which I detest, and then there would be, perhaps--the mere idea +sickened me--stewed prunes! Aunt Julia, being old-fashioned, would +probably deem this menu wholesome, and American. To me it was appalling, +deadening. I could see the meal before me--the loathsome prunes set +before my eyes, at the same time as the meat, to confront and defy me, +as I sat at table. Everything would be spotlessly clean--you could "eat +your dinner off the carpet" of course--but spotlessly unappetizing. + +It was a shock to me to find that Letitia had not "dressed" for dinner. +She explained quickly that she was not well enough to don evening dress, +but begged me to do so, and not to let Aunt Julia think that I was +afraid of her. Afraid of her! Perhaps I was, but I had no intention of +admitting it. I went at once to my room, selected the most immaculate +shirt I possessed, decorated it with my pearl studs, and then, putting +on my Tuxedo coat, I sallied forth to Letitia, who had a +turpentine-soaked flannel round her neck. + +Aunt Julia was in the kitchen, and I could hear her laboring at +_Bedelia_, in high spirits, and an undaunted voice. + +"She went out shortly after you left," said Letitia, "and I haven't seen +her since. Of course, it is awfully good of her, Archie. She didn't +even consult me as to what she should get. At any rate, dear, it's a +case of beggars mustn't be choosers. Please try and be amiable." + +As the clock struck six, Aunt Julia announced dinner and Letitia and I +went to the dining-room. The old lady was as calm and unruffled as +though she had been napping all afternoon. Her silk dress was +unperturbed; her lace collar knew its place; she was not even flushed. I +felt rather guilty. The table looked so nice! There were oysters at the +three places; there was no vestige of a stewed prune; the table napkins +were daintily folded, with a pallidly baked roll in each. It certainly +didn't look a bit old-fashioned--in the abused acceptance of that +phrase. + +"Sit down, cookless ones," said Aunt Julia, with a laugh, "and revel in +your squalor. I haven't known what to do with myself all afternoon. The +time has positively hung on my hands. I took a doze, Letitia, because +there was nothing else to take. Work in an apartment! It's child's +play." + +We ate our oysters in a somewhat embarrassed mood. Aunt Julia was as +lively as a kitten. She chatted and criticised, and asked questions, and +never waited for the answers, and actually enjoyed herself. Then she +skirmished quickly away with the oyster plates, and brought in the +silver tureen, filled with strong beef soup. It all seemed to be ready +at hand and piping hot, and as I tasted it, the cockles of my heart +expanded and I smiled. Letitia's _cynanche_ seemed remarkably better, +and I don't know how it was, but the three of us found ourselves engaged +in the most enlivening conversation, without having to seek for it in +racked brains. Nor was it small talk. + +So interested were we, that we never noticed how the soup got away. Yet +it did, and I suddenly perceived before me an appetizing dish of fried +smelts, nestling beside a silver receptacle containing a _sauce +tartare_. It was marvelous. It was as though a conjurer had cried, +"Presto!"--and behold the metamorphosis! The fish was delicious and Aunt +Julia enjoyed it quite as much as we did. + +"I'm very fond of my own cooking," she said. "I take a scientific +interest in it. I like to see what one can do with various foods. I love +experiments. I have the same interest in a _sauce tartare_ that--er--Sir +Oliver Lodge has in radium. One is born that way, I suppose." + +I continued to expand. How could I help it? Aunt Julia seemed suddenly +transfigured. She was no longer the fussy old meddler, but the Good +Samaritan. I liked her silk dress, her lace collar, her antique cameo +brooch, and with every glass of sauterne that I took, I liked them +better! It was quite wonderful how they grew upon me. Letitia seemed to +be equally effervescent. I quite forgot her lack of evening dress, in +which she had been so resplendently imperious at Anna Carter's +delicatessen spread. This was a meal at which evening dress would have +been perfectly appropriate, but this meal, alas! was born of no cook's +efforts. It was original. Perhaps we scarcely dared to hope for its +repetition. And as this thought occurred to me, I sighed. + +The chicken was roasted to perfection, and its dressing was almost +poetic. An epicure would have delighted in it. Brillat-Savarin, himself, +would have commented favorably. Aunt Julia explained that she had not +tried to display any particularly "fancy" cooking, but she opined that +this was sufficient to remove satisfactorily the edge from the +ordinarily unfastidious appetite. How I had wronged her! How different +was the reality to the anticipation of boiled mutton and stewed prunes! +We finished with a firm and convincing jelly, and some of the best black +coffee I have ever tasted outside of Paris. + +It was the first comfortable meal we had enjoyed at home! It was the +first time we had ever sat at our own table, to arise therefrom at peace +with the world! + +"And now," said the old lady solemnly, "you two young people may go into +the parlor--oh, I beg your pardon, I mean drawing-room--and your squalid +aunt will clear the things away. She will be with you in fifteen +minutes, ready to preach, or answer questions, or do anything you like." + +Home certainly did seem like home. The drawing-room was cozy and +inviting. I felt stimulated to mental effort. Letitia had forgotten her +ailments, and was lively and amusing. + +"I must try and learn Aunt Julia's system," she said, "so that I can at +any rate, supervise, though, Archie, I'm quite sure that frauds like +Anna Carter, or Potzenheimer, or Birdie Miriam would never brook +supervision." + +"There you're right," remarked Aunt Julia, entering suddenly. "These +women know little and what they know, they know wrong. Get a clean slate +to work upon, secure a girl whom you can teach, and--well, your chances +will be better." + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + +We fell back upon the sublime, the luminous art of newspaper +advertisement. Alluring pictures of natty maids in jaunty caps and +perfectly fitting dresses, as an answer to the question, "Do you need +help?" emerged from our subliminal consciousness, capped by the legend, +"If so, advertise in ----" So we advertised in ----. Each newspaper +seemed to vie with the other in exquisite promises to be-cook our +kitchen. There appeared to be no possible, probable shadow of doubt +about the proceeding. It was so easy that the inelegant simile of +"rolling off a log" impressed us as being absolutely justifiable. I +flatter myself that the advertisements I composed were delightful--gems +of succinct thought, though Letitia seemed dubious. + +"I think you ought to offer some inducement," she said, "in order that +our advertisement should stand out from the rest--something to indicate +that we really are desperate. I suppose--please don't smile, +Archie--that it wouldn't do to hint that we give handsome Christmas +presents." + +"What an immoral suggestion, Letitia!" I exclaimed testily. "It is +putting a premium on cupidity and incompetence. I am surprised at you. +Moreover, it is so horribly suggestive of the idea of beating a hasty +retreat after the receipt of those presents." + +"Don't be so snappy, Archie," retorted Letitia peevishly. "I am merely +trying to throw light upon the situation. We ought to do something. What +do you say to mentioning matinée tickets once a week?" + +"Or souvenirs if she runs for a hundred nights," I suggested gloomily. + +"Of course," said Letitia resignedly, "if you ridicule everything I say, +there is no use my making further remarks. Put in the advertisement as +you like--'Cook wanted.' How original! Eighteen hundred people want +cooks, and eighteen hundred people won't get them. I merely meant to +emphasize our own special need. Do you think"--suddenly--"that if we +made it worth while at the newspaper offices, they would print our +advertisement in red ink--right in the center of all the others--or--or +in gold?" + +"No, my girl," I replied shortly, pretending to look very sapient, as +though I were marvelously familiar with the inner workings of newspaper +offices. Then, conciliatingly, "Your idea is good, Letitia, but +impracticable. We must take our chance with the vulgar herd." + +"At any rate," she cried despairingly, "you can surely say that this is +a lovely, refined home, with scarcely anything for a cook to do, +and--and--paint it up, Archie; paint it up. Moreover, we want a clean +slate, as Aunt Julia suggested--something inexperienced for me to +teach." + +To my credit, be it said, I did not smile. The effort to resist was +intense, almost painful, but I succeeded in maintaining an owl-like +expression, and Letitia's quick glance at me--a glance that seemed to +suggest that she expected and dreaded a smile--was wasted. + +We advertised in five papers, and the sense of elation that came with +the deposit of each advertisement was most refreshing. It looked as +though failure were impossible. Letitia calculated that seven million +people in New York would know of our need, and when I told her that +there were not seven million people in the greater city, she airily +decided that some of them therefore would know it twice--a piece of +logic that needed no squelching. That evening, that cookless evening of +waiting, after a restaurant dinner that had been particularly +indigestible and saddening, we discussed in low voice the possibilities +of the morrow. + +Five advertisements! Letitia wondered what the neighborhood would think +of the crowd of aspiring, eager cooks that must assuredly besiege our +door. She even suggested that I notify the nearest police station, and +ask for a special squad of police to keep order. Her enthusiasm was +contagious. I pictured the battling mob outside--long lines of +throbbing, expectant women clamoring for an interview. The moral effect +of advertising is quite irresistible. It is not to be gainsaid. Whatever +the mere practical results may be, there is no doubt in the world but +that advertisement, psychologically, is worth its price. The notion that +from all the readers of five important newspapers, entering into all the +nooks and crannies of metropolitan life, a huge and varied collection of +cooks would fail to materialize was ridiculous. It was not to be +entertained for a moment. Letitia even mentioned the possibilities of +the poor women waiting outside all night on camp stools; in fact, taking +a look into the electric-lighted street, at about eleven o'clock, she +announced positively that she saw two women already standing outside the +door. + +"If I were quite sure that they were applicants," said Letitia, "I'd ask +them up at once, and listen to them. Perhaps we ought to send out a +little soup or hot coffee." + +I remembered my experience in the elevated train. It recurred to my mind +so vividly that I uttered a "Pshaw!" rather brusquely, and then meekly +told Letitia that she was probably mistaken. + +"You see," remarked Letitia thoughtfully, "five advertisements in one +day, are rather unusual. There are bound to be results. Think of the +colossal population of Greater New York! In fact, Archie, I really feel +a bit afraid. We have perhaps reared a Frankenstein. I am not at all +sure that I can cope with an immense crowd." + +My rest that night was fitful. I had nightmare of a most distressing +nature, which I will refrain from describing for the reason that daymare +seems more popular, as a rule, with readers. Letitia rose at seven +o'clock just as I had fallen into refreshing slumber, and went, in her +nightgown, into the drawing-room to note the line of cooks from the +window. I was unable to sleep again, and lay there awaiting her return, +anxious and uncomfortable. + +She came back, looking like Lady Macbeth, and exclaimed in a voice of +dire amazement: "Not a soul, Archie! Positively, there's not a human +creature in the street. What can it mean?" + +"It's early," I suggested feebly. + +"Oh, nonsense!" cried Letitia. "Out of four million people, there must +be a very large percentage that doesn't regard seven o'clock as so +frightfully early. Perhaps the police, seeing a mob, ordered it to +disperse and reassemble later. At any rate, we had better get ready. How +annoying! I forgot all about breakfast, and we can not leave the house. +I must prepare some coffee, and with the crackers that Aunt Julia +bought, we must make shift." + +After this meal, that was strangely lacking in solidity and in various +other qualities--Letitia's coffee tasting like slate-pencils, only not +quite so nice--we stationed ourselves at the window. We saw cable-cars, +horse-cars, wagons, cabs, perambulators. We noted tradesmen, and +tradeswomen, schoolgirls and schoolboys, business-men and +business-women. There was plenty to look at, but there was no cook. +Letitia grew restive; I became nervous. Every feminine creature that +approached seemed to be a cook--until she went past. We looked at each +petticoated passer-by, with the avid expectation of hearing her ring our +door-bell and ask to be taken in. + +"There's one!" cried Letitia excitedly. "I bet you anything that she's +going to ring. How shabby her skirt is, poor thing. And just look at her +hat! She is reading the numbers on the doors. Yes, she's stopping here. +She--she--" + +Went by. + +"This time," I exclaimed, "I'll wager anything that--look, Letitia!--the +girl opposite is going to apply. She has a newspaper in her hand and she +keeps reading it. I'm not often mistaken, Letitia. When I do venture a +prophecy, it is generally correct. Ah, I told you so. She is looking up +at us. She has crossed the street. She has examined the house. +She--she--" + +Went next door. + +Mariana, in her moated grange, may have had an unpleasant time of it, as +she "glanced athwart the glooming flats." (I should have indignantly +called them "blooming" flats, but unfortunately I'm not Tennyson.) Then, +in Mariana's case, "old faces glimmer'd thro' the doors," which must +have made things cheerful for her. With us, neither old faces nor young +ones "glimmer'd" through anything whatsoever. Gladly would we have +hailed them, for, in good sooth, we were "aweary, weary." We "drew the +casement curtain by"--Letitia begged me to be careful, as it had just +been done up--and stood there, stolidly, silently. There were no +moldering wainscots, or flitting bats, or rusted nails, or oxen's low. +In spite of which I am perfectly convinced that Mariana was less +miserable than we were, as at eleven o'clock, the awful certainty was +borne in upon us that "she cometh not." + +"Perhaps," said Letitia dejectedly, "we are the victims of conspiracy. +Anna Carter, and Mrs. Potzenheimer, and Birdie Miriam McCaffrey may have +banded themselves together to--to ruin us." + +"Letitia!" + +"There is some reason for all this, Archie. It is to be accounted for in +some way. It is absolutely impossible that five important advertisements +in five important newspapers should have produced no fruit whatsoever. I +shall write to each paper and say, 'After advertising in your valuable +columns, I have come to the conclusion that you are no good.'" + +"Why antagonize the newspapers?" + +"I must have the satisfaction of recording our experience," she replied, +her face flushed, her eyes bright. "I shall do it, Archie. I intend--" + +At that moment there was a ring at the front door-bell. Letitia, +wrought-up, nervously clutched my arm. For a moment a sort of paralysis +seized me. Then, alertly as a young calf, I bounded toward the door, +hope aroused, and expectation keen. It was rather dark in the outside +hall and I could not quite perceive the nature of our visitor. But I +soon gladly realized that it was something feminine, and as I held the +door open, a thin, small, soiled wisp of a woman glided in, and smiled +at me. + +"_Talar ni svensk?_" she asked, but I had no idea what she meant. She +may have been impertinent, or even rude, or perhaps improper, but she +looked as though she might be a domestic, and I led her gently, +reverently, to Letitia in the drawing-room. I smiled back at her, in a +wild endeavor to be sympathetic. I would have anointed her, or bathed +her feet, or plied her with figs and dates, or have done anything that +any nationality craves as a welcome. As the front door closed, I heaved +a sigh of relief. Here was probably the quintessence of five +advertisements. Out of the mountain crept a mouse, and quite a little +mouse, too! + +"_Talar ni svensk?_" proved to be nothing more outrageous than "Do you +speak Swedish?" My astute little wife discovered this intuitively. I +left them together, my mental excuse being that women understand each +other and that a man is unnecessary, under the circumstances. I had some +misgivings on the subject of Letitia and _svensk_, but the universal +language of femininity is not without its uses. I devoutly hoped that +Letitia would be able to come to terms, as the mere idea of a cook who +couldn't excoriate us in English was, at that moment, delightful. At the +end of a quarter of an hour I strolled back to the drawing-room. Letitia +was smiling and the handmaiden sat grim and uninspired. + +"I've engaged her, Archie," said Letitia. "She knows nothing, as she has +told me, in the few words of English that she has picked up, but--you +remember what Aunt Julia said about a clean slate." + +I gazed at the maiden, and reflected that while the term "slate" might +be perfectly correct, the adjective seemed a bit over-enthusiastic. She +was decidedly soiled, this quintessence of a quintette of +advertisements. I said nothing, anxious not to dampen Letitia's very +evident elation. + +"She has no references," continued my wife, "as she has never been out +before. She is just a simple little Stockholm girl. I like her face +immensely, Archie--immensely. She is willing to begin at once, which +shows that she is eager, and consequently likely to suit us. Wait for +me, Archie, while I take her to the kitchen. _Kom_, Gerda." + +Exactly why Letitia couldn't say "Come, Gerda," seemed strange. She +probably thought that _Kom_ must be Swedish, and that it sounded well. +She certainly invented _Kom_ on the spur of the Scandinavian moment, and +I learned afterward that it was correct. My inspired Letitia! Still, in +spite of all, my opinion is that "Come, Gerda," would have done just as +well. + +"Isn't it delightful?" cried Letitia, when she joined me later. "I am +really enthusiastic at the idea of a Swedish girl. I adore Scandinavia, +Archie. It always makes me think of Ibsen. Perhaps Gerda Lyberg--that's +her name--will be as interesting as Hedda Gabler, and Mrs. Alving, and +Nora, and all those lovely complex Ibsen creatures." + +"They were Norwegians, dear," I said gently, anxious not to shatter +illusions; "the Ibsen plays deal with Christiania, not with Stockholm." + +"But they are so near," declared Letitia, amiable and seraphic once +more. "Somehow or other, I invariably mix up Norway and Sweden and +Denmark. I know I shall always look upon Gerda as an Ibsen girl, who has +come here to 'live her life,' or 'work out her inheritance.' Perhaps, +dear, she has some interesting internal disease, or a maggoty brain. +Don't you think, Archie, that the Ibsen inheritances are always most +fascinating? A bit morbid, but surely fascinating." + +"I prefer a healthy cook, Letitia," I said meditatively, "somebody +willing to interest herself in our inheritance, rather than in her own." + +"I don't mind what you say now," she pouted, "I am not to be put down by +clamor. We really have a cook at last, and I feel more lenient toward +you, Archie. Of course I was only joking when I suggested the Ibsen +diseases. Gerda Lyberg may have inherited from her ancestors something +quite nice and attractive." + +"Then you mustn't look upon her as Ibsen, Letitia," I protested. "The +Ibsen people never inherit nice things. Their ancestors always bequeath +nasty ones. That is where their consistency comes in. They are +receptacles for horrors. Personally, if you'll excuse my flippancy, I +prefer Norwegian anchovies to Norwegian heroines. It is a mere matter of +opinion." + +"I'm ashamed of you," retorted Letitia defiantly. "You talk like some of +the wretchedly frivolous criticisms, so called, that men like Acton +Davies, and Alan Dale inflict upon the long-suffering public. They never +amuse me. Ibsen may make his heroines the recipients of ugly legacies, +but he has never yet cursed them with the odious incubus known as 'a +sense of humor.' The people with a sense of humor have something in +their brains worse than maggots. We'll drop the subject, Archie. I'm +going to learn Swedish. Before Gerda Lyberg has been with us a month, I +intend to be able to talk fluently. It will be most useful. Next time we +go to Europe, we'll take in Sweden, and I'll do the piloting. I am going +to buy some Swedish books, and study. Won't it be jolly? And just think +how melancholy we were this morning, you and I, looking out of that +window, and trying to materialize cooks. Wasn't it funny, Archie? What +amusing experiences we shall be able to chronicle, later on!" + +Letitia babbled on like half a dozen brooks, and thinking up a gentle +parody, in the shape of, "cooks may come, and men may go," I decided to +leave my household gods for the bread-earning contest down-town. I could +not feel quite as sanguine as Letitia, who seemed to have forgotten the +dismal results of the advertisement--just one little puny Swedish +result. I should have preferred to make a choice. Letitia was as pleased +with Gerda Lyberg as though she had been a selection instead of a +that-or-nothing. + +If somebody had dramatized Gerda Lyberg's initial dinner, it would +probably have been considered exceedingly droll. As a serious episode, +however, its humor, to my mind, lacked spontaneity. Letitia had asked +her to cook us a little Swedish meal, so that we could get some idea of +Stockholm life, in which, for some reason or other, we were supposed to +be deeply interested. Unfortunately I was extremely hungry, and had +carefully avoided luncheon in order to give my appetite a chance. We sat +down to a huge bowl of cold greasy soup, in which enormous lumps of meat +swam, as though, for their life, awaiting rescue at the prongs of a +fork. In addition to this epicurean dish was a teeming plate of +water-soaked potatoes, delicately boiled. That was all. Letitia said +that it was Swedish, and the most annoying part of the entertainment was +that I was alone in my critical disapprobation. Letitia was so engrossed +with a little Swedish conversation book that she brought to table that +she forgot the mere material question of food--forgot everything but the +horrible jargon she was studying, and the soiled, wisp-like maiden, who +looked more unlike a clean slate than ever. + +"What shall I say to her, Archie?" asked Letitia, turning over the pages +of her book, as I tried to rescue a block of meat from the cold fat in +which it lurked. "Here is a chapter on dinner. 'I am very hungry,' '_Jag +är myckel hungrig._' Rather pretty, isn't it? Hark at this: '_Kypare gif +mig matsedeln och vinlistan._' That means: 'Waiter, give me the bill of +fare, and the list of wines.'" + +"Don't," I cried; "don't. This woman doesn't know what dining means. +Look out a chapter on feeding--or filling up." + +Letitia was perfectly unruffled. She paid no attention to me whatsoever. +She was fascinated with the slovenly girl, who stood around and gaped at +her Swedish. + +"Gerda," said Letitia, with her eyes on the book, "_Gif mir apven senap +och nägra potäter_." And then, as Miss Lyberg dived for the drowned +potatoes, Letitia exclaimed in an ecstasy of joy, "She understands, +Archie, she understands. I feel I am going to be a great success. _Jag +tackar_, Gerda. That means 'I thank you.' _Jag tackar._ See if you can +say it, Archie. Just try, dear, to oblige me. _Jag tackar._ Now, that's +a good boy, _jag tackar_." + +"I won't," I declared spitefully. "No _jag tackar_-ing for a parody like +this, Letitia. You don't seem to realize that I'm hungry. Honestly, I +prefer a delicatessen dinner to this." + +"'Pray, give me a piece of venison,'" read Letitia, absolutely +disregarding my mood. "'_Var god och gif mig ett stycke vildt._' It is +almost intelligible, isn't it dear? '_Ni äter icke_': you do not eat." + +"I can't," I asserted mournfully, anxious to gain Letitia's sympathy. + +It was not forthcoming. Letitia's eyes were fastened on Gerda, and I +could not help noting on the woman's face an expression of scorn. I felt +certain of it. She appeared to regard my wife as a sort of irresponsible +freak, and I was vexed to think that Letitia should make such an +exhibition of herself, and countenance the alleged meal that was set +before us. + +"'I have really dined very well'," she continued joyously. "'_Jag har +verkligen atit mycket bra._'" + +"If you are quite sure that she doesn't understand English, Letitia," I +said viciously, "I'll say to you that this is a kind of joke I don't +appreciate. I won't keep such a woman in the house. Let us put on our +things and go out and have dinner. Better late than never." + +Letitia was turning over the pages of her book, quite lost to her +surroundings. As I concluded my remarks she looked up and exclaimed, +"How very funny, Archie. Just as you said 'Better late than never,' I +came across that very phrase in the list of Swedish proverbs. It must be +telepathy, dear. Better late than never,' '_Battre sent än aldrig_.' +What were you saying on the subject, dear? Will you repeat it? And do +try it in Swedish. Say '_Battre sent än aldrig_'." + +"Letitia," I shot forth in a fury, "I'm not in the humor for this sort +of thing. I think this dinner, and this woman are rotten. See if you can +find the word rotten in Swedish." + +"I am surprised at you," Letitia declared glacially, roused from her +book by my heroic though unparliamentary language. "Your expressions are +neither English nor Swedish. Please don't use such gutter-words before a +servant, to say nothing of your own wife." + +"But she doesn't understand," I protested, glancing at Miss Lyberg. I +could have sworn that I detected a gleam in the woman's eyes and that +the sphinx-like attitude of dull incomprehensibility suggested a +strenuous effort. "She doesn't understand anything. She doesn't want to +understand." + +"In a week from now," said Letitia, "she will understand everything +perfectly, for I shall be able to talk with her. Oh, Archie, do be +agreeable. Can't you see that I am having great fun? Don't be such a +greedy boy. If you could only enter into the spirit of the thing, you +wouldn't be so oppressed by the food question. Oh, dear! How important +it does seem to be to men. Gerda, _hur gammal är ni_?" + +The maiden sullenly left the room, and I felt convinced that Letitia +had Swedishly asked her to do so. I was wrong. "_Hur gammal är ni?_" +Letitia explained, simply meant, "How old are you?" + +"She evidently didn't want to tell me," was my wife's comment, as we +went to the drawing-room. "I imagine, dear, that she doesn't quite like +the idea of my ferreting out Swedish so persistently. But I intend to +persevere. The worst of conversation books is that one acquires a +language in such a parroty way. Now, in my book, the only answer to the +question 'How old are you?' is, 'I was born on the tenth of August, +1852.' For the life of me, I couldn't vary that, and it would be most +embarrassing. It would make me fifty-two. If any one asked me in Swedish +how old I was, I should _have_ to be fifty-two!" + +"When I think of my five advertisements," I said lugubriously, as I +threw myself into an arm-chair, fatigued at my efforts to discover +dinner, "when I remember our expectation, and the pleasant anticipations +of to-day, I feel very bitter, Letitia. Just to think that from it all +nothing has resulted but that beastly mummy, that atrocious ossified +thing." + +"Archie, Archie!" said my wife warningly; "please be calm. Perhaps I was +too engrossed with my studies to note the deficiencies of dinner. But do +remember that I pleaded with her for a Swedish meal. The poor thing did +what I asked her to do. Our dinner was evidently Swedish. It was not her +fault that I asked for it. To-morrow, dear, it shall be different. We +had better stick to the American régime. It is more satisfactory to you. +At any rate, we have somebody in the house, and if our five +advertisements had brought forth five hundred applicants we should only +have kept one. So don't torture yourself, Archie. Try and imagine that +we _had_ five hundred applicants, and that we selected Gerda Lyberg." + +"I can't, Letitia," I said sulkily, and I heaved a heavy sigh. + +"Come," she said soothingly, "come and study Swedish with me. It will be +most useful for your _Lives of Great Men_. You can read up the Swedes in +the original. I'll entertain you with this book, and you'll forget all +about Mrs. Potz--I mean Gerda Lyberg. By-the-by, Archie, she doesn't +remind me so much of Hedda Gabler. I don't fancy that she is very +subtile." + +"You, Letitia," I retorted, "remind me of Mrs. Nickleby. You ramble on +so." + +Letitia looked offended. She always declared that Dickens "got on her +nerves." She was one of the new-fashioned readers who have learned to +despise Dickens. Personally, I regretted only his nauseating sense of +humor. Letitia placed a cushion behind my head, smoothed my forehead, +kissed me, made her peace, and settled down by my side. Lack of +nourishment made me drowsy, and Letitia's babblings sounded vague and +muffled. + +"It is a most inclusive little book," she said, "and if I can succeed in +memorizing it all I shall be quite at home with the language. In fact, +dear, I think I shall always keep Swedish cooks. Hark at this: 'If the +wind be favorable, we shall be at Grothenburg in forty hours.' '_Om +vinden är god, sa äro vi pa pyrtio timmar i Goteborg._' I think it is +sweetly pretty. 'You are seasick.' 'Steward, bring me a glass of brandy +and water.' 'We are now entering the harbor.' 'We are now anchoring.' +'Your passports, gentlemen.'" + +A comfortable lethargy was stealing o'er me. Letitia took a pencil and +paper, and made notes as she plied the book. "A chapter on 'seeing a +town' is most interesting, Archie. Of course, it must be a Swedish town. +'Do you know the two private galleries of Mr. Smith, the merchant, and +Mr. Muller, the chancellor?' 'To-morrow morning, I wish to see all the +public buildings and statues.' '_Statyerna_' is Swedish for statues, +Archie. Are you listening, dear? 'We will visit the Church of the Holy +Ghost, at two, then we will make an excursion on Lake Mälan and see the +fortress of Vaxholm.' It is a charming little book. Don't you think that +it is a great improvement on the old Ollendorff system? I don't find +nonsensical sentences like 'The hat of my aunt's sister is blue, but the +nose of my brother-in-law's sister-in-law is red.'" + +I rose and stretched myself. Letitia was still plunged in the irritating +guide to Sweden, where I vowed I would never go. Nothing on earth should +ever induce me to visit Sweden. If it came to a choice between Hoboken +and Stockholm, I mentally determined to select the former. As I paced +the room, I heard a curious splashing noise in the kitchen. Letitia's +studies must have dulled her ears. She was evidently too deeply +engrossed. + +I strolled nonchalantly into the hall, and proceeded deliberately toward +the kitchen. The thick carpet deadened my footsteps. The splashing noise +grew louder. The kitchen door was closed. I gently opened it. As I did +so, a wild scream rent the air. There stood Gerda Lyberg in--in--my pen +declines to write it--a simple unsophisticated birthday dress, taking an +ingenuous reluctant bath in the "stationary tubs," with the plates, and +dishes, and dinner things grouped artistically around her! + +The instant she saw me, she modestly seized a dish-towel, and shouted at +the top of her voice. The kitchen was filled with the steam from the hot +water. 'Venus arising' looked nebulous, and mystic. I beat a hasty +retreat, aghast at the revelation, and almost fell against Letitia, who, +dropping her conversation book, came to see what had happened. + +"She's bathing!" I gasped, "in the kitchen--among the plates--near the +soup--" + +"Never!" cried Letitia. Then, melodramatically: "Let me pass. Stand +aside, Archie. I'll go and see. Perhaps--perhaps--you had better come +with me." + +"Letitia," I gurgled, "I'm shocked! She has nothing on but a +dish-towel." + +Letitia paused irresolutely for a second, and going into the kitchen +shut the door. The splashing noise ceased. I heard the sound of voices, +or rather of a voice--Letitia's! Evidently she had forgotten Swedish, +and such remarks as "If the wind be favorable, we shall be at Gothenburg +in forty hours." I listened attentively, and could not even hear her say +"We will visit the Church of the Holy Ghost at two." It is strange how +the stress of circumstances alters the complexion of a conversation +book! All the evening she had studied Swedish, and yet suddenly +confronted by a Swedish lady bathing in our kitchen, dish-toweled but +unashamed, all she could find to say was "How disgusting!" and "How +disgraceful!" in English! + +"You see," said Letitia, when she emerged, "she is just a simple peasant +girl, and only needs to be told. It is very horrid, of course." + +"And unappetizing!" I chimed in. + +"Of course--certainly unappetizing. I couldn't think of anything Swedish +to say, but I said several things in English. She was dreadfully sorry +that you had seen her, and never contemplated such a possibility. After +all, Archie, bathing is not a crime." + +"And we were hunting for a clean slate," I suggested satirically. "Do +you think, Letitia, that she also takes a cold bath in the morning, +among the bacon and eggs, and things?" + +"That is enough," said Letitia sternly. "The episode need not serve as +an excuse for indelicacy." + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + +It was with the advent of Gerda Lyberg that we became absolutely +certain, beyond the peradventure of any doubt, that there was such a +thing as the servant question. The knowledge had been gradually wafted +in upon us, but it was not until the lady from Stockholm had +definitively planted herself in our midst, that we admitted to ourselves +openly, unhesitatingly, unblushingly, that the problem existed. Gerda +blazoned forth the enigma in all its force and defiance. + +The remarkable thing about our latest acquisition was the singularly +blank state of her gastronomic mind. There was nothing that she knew. +Most women, and a great many men, intuitively recognize the physical +fact that water, at a certain temperature, boils. Miss Lyberg, +apparently seeking to earn her living in the kitchen, had no certain +views as to when the boiling point was reached. Rumors seemed to have +vaguely reached her that things called eggs dropped into water, would, +in the course of time--any time, and generally less than a week--become +eatable. Letitia bought a little egg-boiler for her--one of those +antique arrangements in which the sands of time play to the soft-boiled +egg. The maiden promptly boiled it with the eggs, and undoubtedly +thought that the hen, in a moment of perturbation, or aberration, had +laid it. I say "thought" because it is the only term I can use. It is, +perhaps, inappropriate in connection with Gerda. + +Potatoes, subjected to the action of hot water, grow soft. She was +certain of that. Whether she tested them with the poker, or with her +hands or feet, we never knew. I inclined to the last suggestion. The +situation was quite marvelous. Here was an alleged worker, in a +particular field, asking the wages of skilled labor, and densely +ignorant of every detail connected with her task. It seemed unique. +Carpenters, plumbers, bricklayers, seamstresses, dressmakers, +laundresses--all the sowers and reapers in the little garden of our +daily needs, were forced by the inexorable law of competition to possess +some inkling of the significance of their undertakings. With the cook, +it was different. She could step jubilantly into any kitchen without the +slightest idea of what she was expected to do there. If she knew that +water was wet and that fire was hot, she felt amply primed to demand a +salary. + +Impelled by her craving for Swedish literature, Letitia struggled with +Miss Lyberg. Compared with the Swede, my exquisitely ignorant wife was a +culinary queen. She was an epicurean caterer. Letitia's slate-pencil +coffee was ambrosia for the gods, sweetest nectar, by the side of the +dishwater that cook prepared. I began to feel quite proud of her. She +grew to be an adept in the art of boiling water. If we could have lived +on that fluid, everything would have moved clockworkily. + +"I've discovered one thing," said Letitia on the evening of the third +day. "The girl is just a peasant, probably a worker in the fields. That +is why she is so ignorant." + +I thought this reasoning foolish. "Even peasants eat, my dear," I +muttered. "She must have seen somebody cook something. Field-workers +have good appetites. If this woman ever ate, what did she eat and why +can't we have the same? We have asked her for no luxuries. We have +arrived at the stage, my poor girl, when all we need is, prosaically, to +'fill up.' You have given her opportunities to offer us samples of +peasant food. The result has been _nil_." + +"It _is_ odd," Letitia declared, a wrinkle of perplexity appearing in +the smooth surface of her forehead. "Of course, she says she doesn't +understand me. And yet, Archie, I have talked to her in pure Swedish." + +"I suppose you said, 'Pray give me a piece of venison,' from the +conversation book." + +"Don't be ridiculous, Archie. I know the Swedish for cauliflower, green +peas, spinach, a leg of mutton, mustard, roast meat, soup, and--" + +"'If the wind be favorable, we shall be at Gothenburg in forty hours'," +I interrupted. She was silent, and I went on: "It seems a pity to end +your studies in Swedish, Letitia, but fascinating though they be, they +do not really necessitate our keeping this barbarian. You can always +pursue them, and exercise on me. I don't mind. Even with an American +cook, if such a being exist, you could still continue to ask for venison +steak in Swedish, and to look forward to arriving at Gothenburg in forty +hours." + +Letitia declined to argue. My mood was that known as cranky. We were in +the drawing-room, after what we were compelled to call dinner. It had +consisted of steak, burned to cinders, potatoes soaked to a pulp, and a +rice pudding that looked like a poultice the morning after, and possibly +tasted like one. Letitia had been shopping, and was therefore unable to +supervise. Our delicate repast was capped by "black" coffee of an +indefinite straw-color, and with globules of grease on the surface. +People who can feel elated with the joy of living, after a dinner of +this description, are assuredly both mentally and morally lacking. Men +and women there are who will say: "Oh, give me anything. I'm not +particular--so long as it is plain and wholesome." I've met many of +these people. My experience of them is that they are the greatest +gluttons on earth, with veritably voracious appetites, and that the best +isn't good enough for them. To be sure, at a pinch, they will demolish a +score of potatoes, if there be nothing else; but offer them caviare, +canvas-back duck, quail, and nesselrode pudding, and they will look +askance at food that is plain and wholesome. The "plain and wholesome" +liver is a snare and a delusion, like the "bluff and genial" visitor +whose geniality veils all sorts of satire and merciless comment. + +Letitia and I both felt weak and miserable. We had made up our minds not +to dine out. We were resolved to keep the home up, even if, in return, +the home kept us down. Give in, we wouldn't. Our fighting blood was up. +We firmly determined not to degenerate into that clammy American +institution, the boarding-house feeder and the restaurant diner. We +knew the type; in the feminine, it sits at table with its bonnet on, and +a sullen gnawing expression of animal hunger; in the masculine, it puts +its own knife in the butter, and uses a toothpick. No cook--no--lack of +cook--should drive us to these abysmal depths. + +Letitia made no feint at Ovid. I simply declined to breathe the breath +of _The Lives of Great Men_. She read a sweet little classic called "The +Table; How to Buy Food, How to Cook It, and How to Serve It," by +Alessandro Filippini--a delightful _table-d'hôte_-y name. I lay back in +my chair and frowned, waiting until Letitia chose to break the silence. +As she was a most chattily inclined person on all occasions, I reasoned +that I should not have to wait long. I was right. + +"Archie," said she, "according to this book, there is no place in the +civilized world that contains so large a number of so-called +high-livers, as New York City, which was educated by the famous +Delmonico and his able lieutenants." + +"Great Heaven!" I exclaimed with a groan, "why rub it in, Letitia? I +should also say that no city in the world contained so large a number of +low-livers." + +"'Westward the course of Empire sways,'" she read, "'and the great glory +of the past has departed from those centers where the culinary art at +one time defied all rivals. The scepter of supremacy has passed into the +hands of the metropolis of the New World'." + +"What sickening cant!" I cried. "What fiendishly exaggerated restaurant +talk! There are perhaps fifty fine restaurants in New York. In Paris, +there are five hundred finer. Here we have places to eat in; there, they +have artistic resorts to dine in. One can dine anywhere in Paris. In New +York, save for those fifty fine restaurants, one feeds. Don't read any +more of your cook-book to me, my girl. It is written to catch the +American trade, with the subtile pen of flattery." + +"Try and be patriotic, dear," she said soothingly. "Of course, I know +you wouldn't allow a Frenchman to say all that, and that you are just +talking cussedly with your own wife." + +A ring at the bell caused a diversion. We hailed it. We were in the +humor to hail anything. The domestic hearth _was_ most trying. We were +bored to death. I sprang up and ran to the door, a little pastime to +which I was growing accustomed. Three tittering young women, each +wearing a hat in which roses, violets, poppies, cornflowers, +forget-me-nots, feathers and ribbons ran riot, confronted me. + +"Miss Gerda Lyberg?" said the foremost, who wore a bright red gown, and +from whose hat six spiteful poppies lurched forward and almost hit me in +the face. + +For a moment, dazed from the cook-book, I was nonplussed. All I could +say was "No," meaning that I wasn't Miss Gerda Lyberg. I felt so sure +that I wasn't, that I was about to close the door. + +"She lives here, I believe," asserted the damsel, again shooting forth +the poppies. + +I came to myself with an effort. "She is the--the cook," I muttered +weakly. + +"We are her friends," quoth the damsel, an indignant inflection in her +voice. "Kindly let us in. We've come to the Thursday sociable." + +The three bedizened ladies entered without further parley and went +toward the kitchen, instinctively recognizing its direction. I was +amazed. I heard a noisy greeting, a peal of laughter, a confusion of +tongues, and then--I groped my way back to Letitia. + +"They've come to the Thursday sociable!" I cried, and sank into a chair. + +"Who?" she asked in astonishment, and I imparted to her the full extent +of my knowledge. Letitia took it very nicely. She had always heard, she +said, in fact Mrs. Archer had told her, that Thursday nights were +festival occasions with the Swedes. She thought it rather a pleasant +and convivial notion. Servants must enjoy themselves, after all. Better +a happy gathering of girls than a rowdy collection of men. Letitia +thought the idea felicitous. She had no objections to giving privileges +to a cook. Nor had I, for the matter of that. I ventured to remark, +however, that Gerda didn't seem to be a cook. + +"Then let us call her a 'girl'," said Letitia, irritated at last. + +"Gerda is a girl, only because she isn't a boy," I remarked tauntingly. +"If by 'girl' you even mean servant, then Gerda isn't a girl. Goodness +knows what she is. Hello! Another ring!" + +This time, Miss Lyberg herself went to the door, and we listened. More +arrivals for the sociable; four Swedish guests, all equally gaily +attired in flower hats. Some of them wore bangles, the noise of which, +in the hall, sounded like an infuriation of sleigh-bells. They were +Christina and Sophie and Sadie and Alexandra--as we soon learned. It was +wonderful how welcome Gerda made them, and how quickly they were "at +home." They rustled through the halls, chatting and laughing and +humming. Such merry girls! Such light-hearted little charmers! Letitia +stood looking at them through the crack of the drawing-room door. +Perhaps it was just as well that somebody should have a good time in our +house. + +"Just the same, Letitia," I observed, galled, "I think I should say +to-morrow that this invasion is most impertinent--most uncalled for." + +"Yes, Archie," said Letitia demurely, "you think you should say it. But +please don't think _I_ shall, for I assure you that I shan't. I suppose +that we must discharge her. She can't do anything and she doesn't want +to learn. I don't blame her. She can always get the wages she asks, by +doing nothing. You would pursue a similar policy, Archie, if it were +possible. Everybody would. But all other laborers must know how to +labor." + +I was glad to hear Letitia echoing my sentiments. She was quite +unconsciously plagiarizing. Once again, she took up the cook-book. The +sound of merrymaking in the kitchen drifted in upon us. From what we +could gather, Gerda seemed to be "dressing up" for the delectation of +her guests. Shrieks of laughter and clapping of hands made us wince. My +nerves were on edge. Had any one at that moment dared to suggest that +there was even a suspicion of humor in these proceedings, I should have +slain him without compunction. Letitia was less irate and tried to +comfort me. + +"You've no idea what hundreds of ways there are of cooking eggs, +Archie," she said. "Do listen to me, dear. I'm trying so hard to be +domesticated, and I do so want to please you. Don't let cook come +between us. Here's a recipe for eggs _à la reine_ that reads most +charmingly. Are you listening, Archie?" + +Letitia came over to me, and kissed me, and smoothed my hair, and +apologized, and asked me to help her with her cook-book--and I was +pacified. At another time, I should not have allowed her to apologize. +But as there were eight obstreperous women in our kitchen and Letitia +didn't object--well, I thought the apology was not out of place. + +"How to make eggs _à la reine_," read Letitia lightly. "You prepare +twelve eggs as for the above." + +"What's 'as for the above'?" I asked. + +"Let me see. Ah, yes. 'As for the above' means as for eggs _à la +Meyerbeer_. To make eggs _à la reine_, you prepare twelve eggs as though +for eggs '_à la Meyerbeer_.' It's simple." + +"But we don't know how to make eggs '_à la Meyerbeer_'," I protested, +thinking of the _pons asinorum_ in Euclid that had caused me bitter +anguish. + +"To make eggs '_à la Meyerbeer_'," read Letitia, "you butter a silver +dish, and break into it twelve fresh eggs--" + +"Twelve!" I cried. "My dear, we should be ill. We should die of +biliousness. Six eggs apiece!" + +"Twelve _fresh_ eggs, Archie. I'm giving you Filippini's recipe. You +break the eggs into a silver dish, and cook them on the stove for two +minutes. Then cut six mutton kidneys in halves--" + +"Six kidneys and twelve eggs!" I exclaimed. "Surely this is a recipe +for--for--horses." + +"We are not obliged to eat it all at once, silly! After cutting the +mutton kidneys in halves, you broil or stew them according to taste, +then add them to the eggs and serve with half a pint of hot _Perigueux +sauce_, thrown over." + +"What's _Perigueux sauce_?" + +"See No. 191," continued Letitia, in a somewhat stupefied tone. "How +confusing! No. 191. Here it is. _Perigueux sauce_: Chop up very fine two +truffles. Place them in a sautoire with a glass of Madeira wine. Reduce +on the hot stove for five minutes. Add half a pint of _Espagnole sauce_. +For _Espagnole sauce_, see No. 151." + +"What a labyrinth!" I said, feeling quite muddled; "it's like following +a maze. We may as well see the thing through. What does No. 151 say?" + +"No. 151. _Sauce Espagnole_. Mix one pint of raw, strong, mirepoix--" + +"Raw, strong what?" + +"Raw, strong mirepoix--oh, Archie, see No. 138. In one minute I shall +forget what we really wanted to make. Isn't it positively bewildering? +See No. 138. Stew in a saucepan two ounces of fat, two carrots, one +onion, one sprig of thyme, one bay leaf, six whole peppers, three +cloves, and, if handy, a hambone cut into pieces. Add two sprigs of +celery, and half a bunch of parsley roots, cook for fifteen minutes." + +"And then--what do you get?" I asked putting my hands to my fevered +brow. + +"That's for the mirepoix," she replied; "and the mirepoix is for the +_Espagnole sauce_. You mix one pint of raw strong mirepoix with five +ounces of good fat (chicken's fat is preferable). Mix with the compound +four ounces of flour, and moisten with one gallon of white broth. See +No. 99." + +"Heavens! Can't they bring it to a head? The twelve eggs and the six +kidneys are waiting, Letitia." + +"It _is_ most exasperating, but we won't be worsted, Archie. See No. 99. +White broth. There's half a page about it. I--I really don't believe +that this flat is large enough to hold all the ingredients for this +dish. You place in a large stock-urn, on a moderate fire, a good heavy +knuckle of fine white veal with all the _débris_, or scraps of meat, +cover fully with water, add salt, carrots, turnips, onions, parsley, +leeks, celery. Boil six hours--" + +"What--what are we trying to make?" I asked helplessly. + +Letitia was equally dismayed. "I declare I almost forget. Let me see: +The white broth was to be mixed with the mirepoix; the mirepoix was for +the _sauce Espagnole_; the _sauce Espagnole_ was for the _Perigueux +sauce_; the _Perigueux sauce_ was for the eggs _à la Meyerbeer_. We know +that, don't we? Well, for eggs _à la reine_. At present we know how to +make eggs _à la Meyerbeer_. To cook eggs _à la reine_, you proceed as +for eggs _à la Meyerbeer_, and then--" + +"I don't think we'll have any, Letitia," I ventured. "Really, I believe +I can do without them. Anyway, they would be rather indigestible." + +"Well, I _will_ know the end," she declared pluckily. "I hate to be +beaten. We know how to make eggs _à la Meyerbeer_. We know that, don't +we? Well, for the eggs _à la reine_, you make a garnishing of one ounce +of cooked chicken breast, one finely-shred, medium-sized truffle, and +six minced mushrooms. You moisten with half a pint of good _Allemande +sauce_, see No. 210. No, I won't see No. 210. You're right, Archie. +We'll do without the eggs _à la reine_. This recipe is like the House +That Jack Built, only much worse, for, you have to 'see' things all the +time. We'll have just plain, soft-boiled eggs." + +"You might learn how to cook those, dear," I suggested timidly. "No, +Letitia, don't be vexed. There must be an art in it. We've had four +cooks, all unable to boil eggs. There must be a knack." + +Letitia sighed, and shut up the cook-book. Eggs _à la reine_ seemed as +difficult as trigonometry, or conic sections, or differential +calculus--and much more expensive. Certainly, the eight giggling cooks +in the kitchen, now at the very height of their exhilaration, worried +themselves little about such concoctions. My nerves again began to play +pranks. The devilish pandemonium infuriated me. Letitia was tired and +wanted to go to bed. I was tired and hungry and disillusioned. It was +close upon midnight and the Swedish Thursday was about over. I thought +it unwise to allow them even an initial minute of Friday. When the clock +struck twelve, I marched majestically to the kitchen, threw open the +door, revealed the octette in the enjoyment of a mound of ice-cream and +a mountain of cake--that in my famished condition made my mouth +water--and announced in a severe, jet subdued tone, that the revel must +cease. + +"You must go at once," I said, "I am going to shut up the house." + +Then I withdrew and waited. There was a delay, during which a Babel of +tongues was let loose, and then Miss Lyberg's seven guests were heard +noisily leaving the house. Two minutes later, there was a knock at our +door and Miss Lyberg appeared, her eyes blazing, her face flushed and +the expression of the hunted antelope defiantly asserting that it would +never be brought to bay, on her perspiring features. + +"You've insulted my guests!" she cried, in English as good as my own. +"I've had to turn them out of the house, and I've had about enough of +this place." + +Letitia's face was a psychological study. Amazement, consternation, +humiliation--all seemed determined to possess her. Here was the obtuse +Swede, for whose dear sake she had dallied with the intricacies of the +language of Stockholm, furiously familiar with admirable English! The +dense, dumb Scandinavian--the lady of the "me no understand" +rejoinder--apparently had the "gift of tongues." Letitia trembled. +Rarely have I seen her so thoroughly perturbed. Yet seemingly she was +unwilling to credit the testimony of her own ears, for with sudden +energy, she confronted Miss Lyberg, and exclaimed imperiously, in +Swedish that was either pure or impure: "_Tig. Ga din väg!_" + +"Ah, come off!" cried the handmaiden insolently. "I understand English. +I haven't been in this country fifteen years for nothing. It's just on +account of folks like you that poor hard-working girls, who ain't +allowed to take no baths or entertain no lady friends, have to protect +themselves. Pretend not to understand them, says I. I've found it worked +before this. If they think you don't understand 'em, they'll let you +alone and stop worriting. It's like your impidence to turn my +lady-friends out of this flat. It's like your impidence. I'll--" + +Letitia's crestfallen look, following upon her perturbation, completely +upset me. A wave of indignation swamped me. I advanced, and in another +minute Miss Gerda Lyberg would have found herself in the hall, impelled +there by a persuasive hand upon her shoulder. However, it was not to be. + +"You just lay a hand on me," she said with cold deliberation, and a +smile, "and I'll have you arrested for assault. Oh, I know the law. I +haven't been in this country fifteen years for nothing. The law looks +after poor weak, Swedish girls. Just push me out. It's all I ask. Just +you push me out." + +She edged up to me defiantly. My blood boiled. I would have mortgaged +the prospects of my _Lives of Great Men_ (not that they were worth +mortgaging) for the exquisite satisfaction of confounding this +abominable woman. Then I saw the peril of the situation. I thought of +horrid headlines in the papers: "Author charged with abusing servant +girl," or, "Arrest of Archibald Fairfax on serious charge," and my mood +changed. + +"I understood you all the time," continued Miss Lyberg insultingly. "I +listened to you. I knew what you thought of me. Now I'm telling you what +I think of you. The idea of turning out my lady-friends, on a Thursday +night, too! And me a-slaving for them, and a-bathing for them, and +a-treating them to ice-cream and cake, and in me own kitchen. You ain't +no lady. As for you"--I seemed to be her particular pet--"when I sees a +man around the house all the time, a-molly-coddling and a-fussing, I +says to myself, he ain't much good if he can't trust the women folk +alone." + +We stood there like dummies, listening to the tirade. What could we do? +To be sure, there were two of us, and we were in our own house. The +antagonist, however, was a servant, not in her own house. The situation, +for reasons that it is impossible to define, was hers. She knew it, too. +We allowed her full sway, because we couldn't help it. The sympathy of +the public, in case of violent measures, would not have been on our +side. The poor domestic, oppressed and enslaved, would have appealed to +any jury of married men, living luxuriously in cheap boarding-houses! + +When she left us, as she did when she was completely ready to do so, +Letitia began to cry. The sight of her tears unnerved me, and I checked +a most unfeeling remark that I intended to make to the effect that, "if +the wind be favorable, we shall be at Gothenburg in forty hours." + +"It's not that I mind her insolence," she sobbed, "we were going to +send her off anyway, weren't we? But it's so humiliating to be +'done.' We've been 'done.' Here have I been working hard at +Swedish--writing exercises, learning verbs, studying proverbs--just +to talk to a woman who speaks English as well as I do. +It's--it's--so--so--mor--mortifying." + +"Never mind, dear," I said, drying her eyes for her; "the Swedish will +come in handy some day." + +"No," she declared vehemently, "don't say that you'll take me to Sweden. +I wouldn't go to the hateful country. It's a hideous language, anyway, +isn't it, Archie? It is a nasty, laconic, ugly tongue. You heard me say +_Tig_ to her just now. _Tig_ means 'be silent.' Could anything sound +more repulsive? _Tig! Tig! Ugh!_" + +Letitia stamped her foot. She was exceeding wroth. + +"Aunt Julia, and her clean slate!" she went on. "If this was a sample of +a clean slate, give me one that has been scribbled all over. The +annoying thing is that we have to stand still and listen to all this +abuse. These women seem to hate one so! They are always on the +defensive, when there is nothing to defend. They won't let you treat +them nicely. Honestly, Archie, I think that they are all anarchists and +that they hate us because we have a few dollars more than they have." + +It was rather a grave assertion but I was not prepared to combat it. +Could it be the fault of our "system"--admitting, for the sake of +argument, that we have a system? Why did peasants, from the purlieus of +foreign countries, undergo a "sea change" the instant they landed? Why +did ladies who would have clamored to black your shoes in their own +country, insist that you should black theirs when they came to yours? +Why was it? What did it mean? Surely it was a problem, as knotty as that +of the cooking of eggs _à la reine_. Still, undoubtedly, there are chefs +who have succeeded in elaborating the eggs _à la reine_. Were there any +people in this broad land, who, by dint of a life's persistence, had +managed to understand their cook? + +Letitia declined to talk any more. I could have harangued a mob. I +could have stood on a wagon, without flags, and have incited the +populace to deeds of violence. I should have loved to do it; I ached for +the mere chance, and--and-- + +Well, I merely switched off the light. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + +Those who have followed me thus far through this sad, eventful history +must have perceived that the little refinements of home life with which +we had started to adorn our domestic hearth were being gradually starved +to death. Yes, I know that many people will contemptuously allude to +these "little refinements" as "little affectations." It all depends upon +the point of view. I have been in towns where a man bold enough to wear +a clean collar and a whole suit was disdainfully voted a dude; I have +flitted through communities that would have derisively hooted at a silk +hat. In western villages I have seen a gloved hand impertinently stared +at, and have heard it discussed as a triumph of effeminacy--the sort of +thing that might have caused the downfall of the Roman Empire. It all +depends, assuredly, upon the point of view. + +Our troubles were, of course, largely due to our bringing-up. We +believed in the home, not as a mere place to sleep in, or a +city-directory address for the reception of letters, but as the main +feature of our life. We wanted to live there, entertain our friends +there, and later on, perhaps, die there. The "bluff and genial" men +will, of course, assert that I was a milksop, because I declined to sit +around in shirt-sleeves, in the presence of my wife, and commune +unaffectedly with the usual hand-painted cuspidor. The "bluff and +genial" women will vote my poor Letitia airy because she didn't polish +kitchen stoves, or hang out the very intimacies of her underwear on +pulley lines. You see, we had always been lucky enough to find women +willing to do these odd jobs for us. In business, a broker isn't +considered a dude because he declines to be his own office-boy. He +obtains the luxury of "help." His office-boy is perhaps an anarchist, +but his wings are clipped and he receives no encouragement. Why is it +that Letitia, perfectly willing to pay somebody to remove the rough +edges from domestic existence, should be dubbed airy? + +Certainly every well-regulated person with a home must rebel at the +notion of opening the front door every time the bell rings. Surely each +self-respecting man or women covets the privilege of being "out" to +unwelcome visitors. The mere idea of being always "in" to every Tom, +Dick and Harry, is loathsome. Yet that was our plight. If our bitterest +enemy called, he would see us. The sweetest lie in the world is that +told by the neat-handed Phyllis, when she pertly remarks "Not at home" +to the unloved caller. That sweetest lie was an impossibility for poor +Letitia and her husband. + +And so it was on the evening of the second day after the departure of +the _svensk_ atrocity, Letitia came to me in the dining-room, as I +smoked the pipe of alleged peace, in a most mysterious manner. She had a +card in her hand, and her mood was--if I may say so--hectic. + +"We shall have to see her, Archie," she said. "You see, I couldn't say I +was out. She was very persistent, and pushed her way in. I was obliged +to ask her into the drawing-room. She is"--reading the card--"Miss +Priscilla Perfoozle." + +"A cook!" I exclaimed joyously. "Oh, Letitia, I'm so glad!" + +"No, Archie. She is Miss Priscilla Perfoozle, representing"--again +reading the card--"the Society for the Amelioration of the Condition of +the Cooks of New York City." + +I thought Letitia was joking--that, perchance, a horrible sense of humor +was sprouting. We had dined out, most pleasantly, and were temporarily +lulled into an agreeable lethargy of endurance. If this were a jest, it +was certainly a very sorry one. I sprang up and looked at the card. +There was no deception. It was, as Letitia said, the pasteboard of "Miss +Priscilla Perfoozle, representing the Society for the Amelioration of +the Condition of the Cooks of New York City." + +"What--impertinence!" I exclaimed, and the little dash between the two +words signifies a profane expression that never before, during our short +married life, had I been tempted to use. + +Letitia flushed. "Don't, dear," she said. "We must see her. It can't do +any harm, for we have nothing to do. And, Archie, _please_ don't be +rude, or impolite. Remember, I beg of you, that you are in your own +house." + +I always was when my system simply pined for a bit of impoliteness. +Whenever I ached to be rude, I was reminded that I was at home. It was +most exasperating. However, I promised Letitia that there should be no +outbreak; that I would be as suave as I could, and that Miss Priscilla +Perfoozle should escape with all her bones intact--and the sooner the +better. + +We found her seated by the tiger-head, over which I firmly believed and +hoped that she had tripped, for she was rubbing her shin. She was a +large, gaunt, yellow spinster, with a loose, flappy mouth, that looked +as though it should have been buttoned up when she was not using it. +She wore black silk, like the ruined ladies in melodrama, and a neat +bonnet, fastened under her chin by velvet strings. + +She rose, as we entered, and unchained a smile. It was one of those +smiles that some Christians call loving. Her unbuttoned mouth--even a +hook-and-eye on each lip would have been most serviceable--revealed a +picturesque of the falsest sort of false teeth (this style ten dollars), +but she was not a bit abashed. I felt perfectly convinced that she was +determined to love us--that, even if we threw a vase at her, she would +still consider us ineffably dear. She extended her hand to each of us--a +hand in a black _glacé_ kid glove that was too long for her fingers. + +"Be seated," said Letitia, with much unnecessary dignity. + +"I dare say you have heard of the Society for the Amelioration of the +Condition of the Cooks in New York City," she began chastely; "you must +have read of the good work it is doing in the interests of those poor, +downtrodden girls who seek only to earn a living in the houses of the +rich and prosperous. The good work the society is doing, Mrs. +Fairfax--by-the-by, I obtained your name at Mrs. Greaseheaver's +intelligence office--is beyond all question. I am merely a missionary, +aiming by means of heart-to-heart talks to awaken an interest, a human +interest, in the sad lives of domestic servants, so that a few rays of +sunlight may ultimately permeate their dull and wretched days." + +Letitia looked pleadingly at me, as I moved uneasily. She laid her hand, +as though unconsciously, upon an Indian paper-cutter in my vicinity. The +edges were very sharp. + +"My heart aches for them," continued Miss Perfoozle feelingly, "I might +almost say that it bleeds. I listen to their stories day by day, in +tears--positively tears, Mrs. Fairfax. It is perhaps silly of me to give +way--I know I am a foolish little thing--but I can not help it. I am +very, very susceptible. I am devoting my life to the glorious task of +improving their state. By the distribution of tracts, we reach the poor +girls themselves. They come to us; we board and bed them, and we +endeavor to place them with ladies whose antecedents we have diligently +investigated." + +"You have an intelligence office, then?" asked Letitia naïvely. + +"Ah, do not say it," implored Miss Perfoozle, with ten black _glacé_ +fingers outstretched like claws. "The term has passed into such +disrepute, dear Mrs. Fairfax. Naturally our society has to be +supported, though most of the ladies comprising its members would +gladly give their little all to the beautiful cause. My little all, I +frequently contribute." + +"Then your society depends upon these little alls?" I asked, peacefully +resolved to probe the Perfoozle as a pastime. + +"It could not be," she replied piously. "We charge the girls we place a +percentage of their first salary--merely a nominal percentage, dear Mrs. +Fairfax. We seek to place them with reputable, God-fearing +people--Christians preferred, though we have no rooted objections to +Jews. Our society has decided that the question of domestic help _is_ a +question merely because most employers are cruel and abusive. Treat the +employers and not the girls. That, dear Mr. and Mrs. Fairfax, is the +motto of the Society for the Amelioration of the Condition of the Cooks +in New York City." + +Letitia withdrew her hand from the Indian paper-knife, after pushing it +in my direction. I gleaned from that trifling fact that Letitia was +quite willing to let me do my worst. Her face flushed as she listened to +the dulcet utterances of the sweetly insolent Perfoozle. + +"If I mistake not," continued the spinster, "you employed a worker +calling herself Mrs. McCaffrey?" + +Letitia started. I winced. Horrible memories surged within us. Old +wounds re-ached. We did not answer. + +"A most worthy person," resumed the Perfoozle serenely, "a beautiful +character. A Christian. She came to us, Mrs. Fairfax, crushed. Her +little girl--one of the sweetest little things I have met--contracted +mumps, she tells me, owing to the unsanitary conditions of the house. I +am not here to scold. I have no right to do so. But, frankly, I must +admit that my warm sympathies were extended toward Mrs. McCaffrey. Do +not be angry with me, Mrs. Fairfax. We are all human creatures, working +in a common cause. You look good and kind, both of you, yet in the case +of poor Birdie, will you let me say that I can not give you right? I +dare not. Ah, my dear young people, why--why should you torture human +souls? Think--think that you may meet your cooks in the after-life." + +This was a horrid aspect of immortality that I had never contemplated. +Letitia was smiling, almost as though she possessed a sense of humor. My +wife's mood inspired me. We might probably dally with Priscilla +Perfoozle for a half-hour or so. + +"We hope to go to Heaven, Miss Perfoozle," I ventured, with a sacred +intonation. + +"I hope so, too, dear young people," she bleated. + +"In that case, we shall not meet our cooks," I continued. "All those we +have had will most assuredly go to hell, as incompetent, abusive, +mercenary, home-destroying, ignorant obstructions. You have no branches +in--er--hell, Miss Perfoozle?" + +I had mentally suggested dallying toyfully with Priscilla, for a +half-hour or so. The gentle query anent Hades showed me instantly, +however, that while Priscilla was a good many things, she was not a +fool. Her eyes snapped at my remark, and one of them, that looked a +trifle squinty, turned deliberately inward, and gave her a most sinister +aspect. Piety was certainly hers, in a Pecksniffian sense, but the +commercial instinct leavened the loaf. That she intended to be-cook us +from her own larder, was manifest; that she wished to "investigate" us +so that she could be certain of one month for her cook and its happy +percentage for herself, was clear. There was method in the Perfoozle +madness, and I resolved calmly, and unangrily, to "see it through." + +"You are profane, Mr. Fairfax," she said with a sickly smile, "but I +expect it. The laborers in humanity's vineyard have much to contend +with. But we persevere. We are smitten on one cheek, but we cheerfully +turn the other. Moreover, you do not mean to offend. I know it. I bear +no malice. We will say no more about the poor widow, Mrs. McCaffrey, +whom, by-the-by, I have placed on Fifth Avenue, at a salary of forty +dollars per month." + +"I'm sorry for your percentage, Miss Perfoozle," remarked Letitia with +glorious acidity. "You can see it, perhaps. I can't." + +"You think--" began the spinster nervously, moved by the pecuniary +insinuation. + +"No," retorted Letitia. "I am sure." + +Miss Perfoozle was silent for a moment, plunged in thought. Perhaps, +like Mr. James Russell of variety renown, she thought she saw two +dollars. However, although by no means naked, she was unashamed. She +righted herself speedily. Piety was reinstated and she beamed upon us +beatifically. + +"Your troubles," she went on, "and I am right in assuming that you have +them?--are not serious, my dear young people. They are the result of the +ugly American habit of flouting inferiors. This is a democracy, yet the +classes are too bitterly outlined. Some time ago, I visited a young +couple in a walk of life more humble than yours. They had been unable to +keep help. They were desperate. They talked of breaking up their home. I +carefully investigated their case, and discovered that the evil was due +to the fact that they had been taught to regard a cook as an inferior. +I undertook to send them a young country girl, who was very anxious to +study New York. My condition was that they treat her as an equal. At +first they rebelled, but--they were desperate. They agreed. I sent them +the girl--a sweet young woman, named Sybil Montmorency. They took to her +at once. She sat at table with them; she went out with them; in the +evenings, she read with them. They showed her the sights of New +York--the Statue of Liberty, the Aquarium, the new Bridge. Sybil was +delighted. She told me that she felt that she was merely a boarder--and +was actually paid to board. She liked it immensely. She was as happy as +a lark, until--" + +"I suppose she needed a change of scene?" I suggested. + +"Not at all," viciously asserted the Perfoozle. "They broke their +agreement--deliberately. It appears that they were very musical. They +had subscribed for the series of Philharmonic concerts. Actually--would +you believe it, Mrs. Fairfax?--they declined to live up to their word. +They refused to take little Sybil, who was just as musical as +they--precisely as musical. Naturally the poor child was incensed. There +she was, compelled to sit at home, alone, while they were out enjoying +themselves! Now, this is a democratic country--I am an American to the +roots of my hair--and I admit that I was furious. I have blacklisted +this couple. Never another girl shall they have from my establishment. I +have Sybil on my hands. She is hard to place, for she is so pure and +good." + +"I suppose she is an excellent cook?" I asked demurely. + +"I never permitted myself to ask her such a question," replied Miss +Perfoozle. "In the case of some women, of course, such questions may be +necessary. It would have been an impertinence in the instance of Miss +Montmorency. Such a girl was an ornament to any home. I suppose she +could cook. Anybody can. It is a detail. Of course, the case I have just +mentioned is extreme. I do not insist upon terms of equality. The +haughtiness of American women render equality impossible, just at +present. Later on, perhaps, when the glorious spirit of democracy--the +democracy of Jefferson--has really instilled itself into our +institutions. But, I beg of you, Mrs. Fairfax, as you hope for domestic +happiness, to try and avoid the use of that most pernicious word, +servant. Ah, my blood boils at the word." + +"You prefer help?" asked Letitia. + +"It is a nice point. Help has also become equally obnoxious. I call my +girls house-mates, or domestic companions, or house-aids. Poor +downtrodden women! They love to be called companions. Their hearts +expand at the notion of companionship. Let me ask you one thing, Mrs. +Fairfax." (She deliberately snubbed me.) "Have you ever sought to +analyze the sensations of one of our dear sisters, when she goes out for +the first time, to cook for strange people in a strange house, far away +from her loved ones?" + +"Well," said Letitia quite amiably, "I suppose that her sensations, if +she doesn't know what cooking means, must be uncomfortable. She must +feel, or should feel, that she is obtaining money under false pretenses. +If she _can_ cook, she is probably pleased at the notion of earning her +own living." + +"Ah, you are hard, hard!" groaned Perfoozle, wringing her _glacé_ kids. +"You are relentless. I am sorry I told you the story of Sybil +Montmorency. But do not believe"--her commercial instinct apparently sat +up and snorted--"that all my girls are similar. This case was unique, +though I trust that in the years to come it will be quite ordinary, and +everyday. What I am particularly anxious to tell you, for you are bound +to be impressed by the fact, is that the authority of Pope Pius IX is +exquisitely permeated through our scheme." + +"Hasn't the Pope a cook?" I asked, wondering how he would like Mrs. +Potzenheimer as an ornament to the Vatican--or gentle Gerda Lyberg. + +"Ah, I beseech you, Mr. Fairfax!" cried Priscilla, her lips flapping. +"The Pope has laid down certain rules to govern the Christian democracy. +Thanks to a Paulist Father--who has one of our girls at thirty-two +dollars a month (and she has already been there four days!)--I have been +able to see those rules. The Holy Father says that it is an obligation +for the rich and for those that own property, to succor the poor and the +indigent, according to the precepts of the Gospel. They must not injure +their savings by violence or fraud, nor expose them to corruption or +danger of scandal, nor alienate them from the spirit of family life, nor +impose on them labor beyond their strength or unsuitable to their age or +sex--" + +"Pardon me," I interrupted, "but what do you suppose the Pope would say +if he found his cook taking a bath in the kitchen, among the dinner +things?" + +"You shock me!" cried Miss Perfoozle, with a little shriek. "You shock +me, but--again I say--I do not mind. We missionaries must expect it. The +Pope, dear brother Fairfax, would, I trust, never enter his kitchen. +Therefore he could not perceive the eccentric case you suggest. If +perchance, he did perceive it, he would say that cleanliness was next to +godliness and godliness superior to dinner things. In addition to the +Pope's words, which I learned by heart, I have the utterances of a +famous diocesan director of charitable institutions. I have not +memorized them, as, famous though the director be, he is not the Pope. I +will read you what he says." + +She drew from her pocket a soiled tract, and read: + +"'Anything that will tend to do away with the friction that is to be +found so often to-day between the employer and the employed, is to be +commended and assisted.' It is short, but pithy. Note that he says, +'anything'. You will also have observed that the word servant is never +used." + +"Do you remember a certain quotation from Bacon, Miss Perfoozle?" I +queried, "that which says: 'Men in great place are thrice +servants--servants of the sovereign, or state--servants of fame, and +servants of business.' Must we alter all this? If so, we should also +re-edit the Bible. Can your cooks bear to read the Bible? Can they +condescend to consider themselves as servants, even of the Almighty?" + +Miss Perfoozle looked frightened. She blanched--if such an expression +can be used in connection with her yellow face. However, she rose to the +occasion. + +"You affect to misunderstand me," she said resignedly, "but I know that +you are impressed in spite of yourself. It is difficult to plant the +seed, but I feel that it is planted. 'As ye sow, so shall ye reap.' I +shall expect to reap, dear young people. Ah, what a pretty home you +have. This cunning little parlor is a veritable curiosity shop. It is +full of pretty gew-gaws." (She looked rather spitefully at the +tiger-head.) "Such a tasteful little home! May I--may I, dear Mrs. +Fairfax, take a peep at the room you give to the dear sister who is so +willing and anxious to wait on you?" + +Letitia was about to make an indignant remark. I saw it coming. +Fortunately, Miss Perfoozle didn't appeal to me quite seriously. + +"Leave her to me, Letitia," I whispered to my wife, as Priscilla's +bonneted head was momentarily averted. Then to Miss Perfoozle: +"Certainly, my dear mademoiselle," I said, "come this way, and be +lenient with us. We try to do the best we can for our dear sisters." + +I led her to our bedroom. It was a pretty room, small but natty. The +brass bedstead was elaborate with onyx trimmings. There was a handsome, +pale-blue satin eiderdown upon it. A large cheval-glass stood in the +corner, beveled and glistening. The bureau was littered with dainty bits +of silver--puff-boxes, manicure articles, hair-curlers, brushes, combs, +jars, bottles, cases. There were two windows, from each of which trailed +expensive curtains of Renaissance lace. + +"This is cook's room," I said, biting my lips, while Letitia stuffed a +small lace handkerchief into her mouth. "Of course, it is very small +but--" + +"It is charming," cried Miss Perfoozle ingenuously. "Positively, my dear +Mrs. Fairfax, I shouldn't mind it in the least for myself. I +believe--nay, I am sure--that I could put up with it." + +"Oh, Miss Perfoozle!" I exclaimed deprecatingly, "how can you say such a +thing? It is kind of you. You are trying to put us at our ease." + +"Was this Mrs. McCaffrey's room?" she asked, a tinge of suspicion in her +tone. + +"Certainly," I cheerfully lied, "Birdie and her dear little child both +slept here. My wife was so sorry that there wasn't a night-nursery for +the little one. Yes, Miss Perfoozle, they both slept here, until the +child contracted that horrid case of mumps." + +"Ah, there is running water in the room," exclaimed Perfoozle, spotting +the marble basin. "It is always unhealthy. I look upon it as distinctly +unsanitary. Probably it accounts for the child's illness. There are +exhalations of a miasmatic nature from these running water arrangements. +Otherwise, Mrs. Fairfax, I have no fault to find with the room. It is +appointed far better than is the custom." + +"It is appointed far better than our own room, Miss Perfoozle," I +declared, with assumed indignation. "Let me show you our apartment. It +is plain, but--it does for us." + +I impelled her gently toward the sanctum that Birdie and Potzenheimer +and the others had veritably occupied. It had an ingrain carpet, and a +bed, and a wash-stand. Miss Perfoozle surveyed it critically. + +"Ah," she said, "you believe in keeping your own bedroom free from +encumbrances. You are right. This is healthy. This is airy. I presume +you realized the fact that cooks love ornaments and articles of virtue" +(sic). "Unfortunately, they do. As they advance in education, this will +not be the case. In the years to come, Mrs. Fairfax, a properly +self-respecting cook will prefer a cool, unadorned sleeping apartment, +like this, to the vulgarity and ostentation of what you now offer her. +At present, however, my dear young people, I am bound to admit that you +treat your cook as she expects to be treated. I am delighted. I shall +not fail to express this sentiment to Mrs. McCaffrey when next I see +her." + +Letitia's shoulders were heaving. I nudged her, and whispered, "Don't, +for goodness' sake." Miss Perfoozle used a lorgnette as she made her +inspection, and peered into everything. + +"This is the dining-room," I said, throwing open the door. "It is, as +usual, small, but fairly large for the average apartment. There is room +for cook, and five friends. We always dine out, you know. We dote on +restaurants. My wife simply can't keep away from them. So we give over +the dining-room to cook. We breakfast here, of course--just an egg, or +so. There is electric light, which, though rather trying to the eyes, is +convenient." + +"It is a shame," said Miss Perfoozle magnanimously, "to find you without +help. Honestly, it is a shame. You are young people, as I said before, +and I believe, in spite of Mr. Fairfax's flippancy (perhaps he _has_ had +occasion to feel flippant) that you are inclined to do the fair thing to +your house-mates. I know a girl who will suit you, I am perfectly sure." + +"Miss Montmorency?" I ventured. + +"No, not Sybil. Sybil demands absolute equality, and I can quite see +that in your case, Mr. and Mrs. Fairfax, it would be impossible and +perhaps"--indulgently--"unnecessary. But there is no reason why you +should not be suited at once." + +"I ought to say," I interrupted in a downcast voice, "that there is no +accommodation for bicycles, while as for automobiles--" + +"I do not countenance either," snapped Miss Perfoozle. "The former, +which, I am thankful to say, have outlived their usefulness, were +unfeminine. The latter, nasty, smelly things, always exploding and +running over people, can be dispensed with. I can guarantee you a girl +who will stay with you for a long time." + +"A whole month?" I queried gaspingly. + +Miss Perfoozle turned upon me suddenly. I had felt that she didn't quite +appreciate me at my just worth. Something in my last gasp appealed to +her unpleasantly. + +"I trust you are not jesting," she remarked in a lemon tone. + +"No," I said shortly, moving toward the front door, "I never jest. But +you have come too late, Miss Perfoozle. We are breaking up housekeeping +to-morrow and sail for Europe next day, to be gone for five years and +three months. You might take our names for a cook in five years and +three months from to-morrow. We shall visit London, Paris, Rome, +Vienna, Berlin, Dresden, Jersey City, Poughkeepsie, Schenectady--" + +"You allowed me to waste my precious time here?" she asked in genuine, +unadulterated anger. "You permitted me to devote an evening to the +revelation of my plans and hopes, when you knew--you were sure--you--" + +"We had nothing better to do, I assure you, dear Miss Perfoozle," I said +blithely. "You have amused us immensely. You must be going? Yet it is +early. You _will_ go? My dear madam, of course, we may not detain you. +Will you take our best wishes to Birdie, and the child, and--" + +Miss Perfoozle's face was horrid to look at. Letitia turned from her in +dismay and whispered a husky "Don't!" in my ear. The black _glacé_ hands +looked like claws. The representative of the Society for the +Amelioration of the Condition of the Cooks in New York City resembled a +Fury, baffled. We opened the door and clicked her out. For the first +time in many days we burst into a peal of laughter. We simply shook. We +howled. Such a good time had, a few hours ago, seemed impossible. + +"I believe you have a sense of humor, after all, Archie," said Letitia, +drying the tears from her eyes and sinking into a chair. + +"Not yet, Letitia, not yet," I demurred, weak from mirth, "but if this +thing keeps up I'm awfully afraid that the dreadful curse will be +visited on us both." + + + + +CHAPTER XV + + +And it came to pass, that behold! we broke bread, and ate, and for a few +soft, silly weeks, lived, in what I might call a fool's paradise. As any +paradise, however, is better than none at all, and too much purgatory is +apt to lose the mulligatawniness of its flavor, this little breathing +spell gave us a chance to recuperate, and, as the French put it, to +recoil, in order to leap better. + +It was like this. A lady friend of a cousin of an aunt of our laundress, +knew somebody that was acquainted with a person, who had heard of a +Finnish maiden anxious for a position. It was a bit roundabout, but not +worse than the simple recipes in Alessandro Filippini's cook-book. +Moreover, a Finnish maiden--or any maiden--was less of a luxury and more +of a necessity than eggs _à la reine_. We therefore negotiated, with the +felicitous result that one bright morning Letitia received a +notification that the anxious Olga would wait upon her. We both of us +read up Finland in the encyclopædia, it being one of those obscure +European countries with which we were not familiar. Letitia thought it +belonged to Scandinavia; I mixed it up with Lapland. We were able to +settle the point to our mutual satisfaction before Olga arrived. + +"I have a dreadful presentiment," observed Letitia, "that you will say +'I see her Finnish'! If you do, I could never endure her. I warn you, +Archie." + +"As though I should perpetrate such a knock-kneed pun!" I exclaimed +indignantly. "Our experiences may have weakened me physically, but my +intellect is still unimpaired." + +Olga arrived in the early morn whilst I was shaving. Letitia interviewed +her in the drawing-room, and I fondly hoped that my services would not +be needed. These cook-dialogues told upon my peace of mind, and I was +beginning to yearn for a chance to give myself, heart and soul, to my +affairs. I had finished shaving, and was admiring the velvety skin that +I had coaxed into prominence, when Letitia came bustling in, very +serious and important. + +"Before I quite settle with Olga," she said, "I should so like you just +to take a look at her, Archie. Would you mind? At first sight I thought +her repulsive, but after looking at her fixedly, for a long time, I +discovered that she really had a kind face." + +"I'll come in"--I sighed mournfully--"and investigate. Of course, dear, +good looks are not essential. She will not have to pose in the +drawing-room. In fact, we really are not obliged to look at her at all. +Personally, I think it would be soothing not to do so." + +However, Letitia's views were not far-fetched. The Finnish lady was +repellent enough to gaze upon. She wore a cape and a loose, dingy +linsey-woolsey dress, and was so squat that her head looked like a knob, +to be taken on and off. In fact, the head seemed out of place and +unnecessary--almost as though she had borrowed somebody else's. She sat +by the window, with her hands folded upon her lap, and appeared to be +"taking solid comfort," as the saying is. + +For one moment a strange idea--but no, I banished it immediately as +preposterous. Irrelevant though it may seem, perhaps this is the place +in which the reader might advantageously learn our ages. I have tried to +conceal them, hitherto, but youth--like murder--must out. I was +twenty-five; Letitia nineteen. These little details need not be +mentioned again. Their somewhat brusque interpolation at this late stage +seems necessary for a proper comprehension of what is to follow. + +"You don't think she is too frightful?" whispered Letitia, as my eyes +were riveted upon the figureless figure. "Do, please, look at her face." + +The face was rosy and amiable. It was not necessary to look very fixedly +at her to discover that. It was a vast improvement upon the acidulated +countenance of the late Miss Lyberg. I wondered if the strange idea that +I had banished so promptly could, by any chance, have occurred to +Letitia. I made a mental vow--a resolute inward swear--not to ask her. + +"In this case, her face is her fortune," I said, taking Letitia aside; +"it is--quite a face. A smile, occasionally, will help us along, +Letitia. This girl certainly looks as though she didn't hate us, just at +present. It will be quite a treat not to be hated. I should engage her +if I were you, and trust to luck. It is a good sign that we are not +instantly attracted toward her. Perhaps it is a happy augury." + +Olga Allallami--for such was her title--was thereupon secured. She +seemed pleased, even grateful, which impressed me as being so drolly +unusual, that I was almost suspicious. Cooks would make a cynic of the +Angel Gabriel,--though I have no intention of comparing myself to that +seraph. + +"These Finnish girls," explained Letitia (I had asked for no +explanation), "are brought up out of doors. They live a very active life +in their own country in the fields. They are lithe and agile. When they +come here, poor things, and undertake sedentary pursuits, the change is +bound to tell upon them. Their sinuous figures disappear; they grow +squat and stumpy; instead of the lissome, flexible girl, they develop +into the heavy, inactive matron. That's it, of course." + +Letitia appeared to be pursuing her thoughts aloud--for her own benefit, +and perhaps for mine. It seemed to be a reasonable way of looking at +Miss Allallami. In any case, a beautiful cook was unnecessary. Nor did +it seem possible to find one. All the beautiful cooks were on the +stage--in the chorus, where the remuneration was larger, if less +certain, and the life more glittering, if less healthy. The beautiful +cooks were all singing "tra la la" in comic opera, and were not worrying +themselves about "refined Christian homes" in upper New York. + +Miss Allallami came to her kitchen with dazzling punctuality next day, +and almost before we knew it, the riot of our life was quelled, and an +almost ominous tranquillity settled upon us. For once, we seemed to have +done the right thing, in the right way, at the right time. Our Olga +proved to be most affable. She spoke English fairly well and delighted +to understand us. Her cooking, while not precisely Lucullian, was the +best we had known, so far. She thoroughly understood the art of boiling +water, and upon that ground-work built up a satisfactory culinary knack. +She was prompt and willing; she was desirous of pleasing. + +In a neat white apron, she looked far less objectionable. In fact, +within a few days after her arrival, we neither of us noticed her +physical uncomeliness. Either we grew accustomed to it, or we had +magnified it in the first instance. Letitia, always enthusiastically +inclined, declared that she thought Olga perfectly sweet, which seemed a +bit exaggerated to my less exuberant moods. Yet I was bound to admit +that she had a nice face, a comfortable way of looking at one, and a +comforting manner. There was no suggestion of anarchy in anything that +she did. She never went out. The height of her enjoyment appeared to be +reached when she sat down. She loved to sit down. When her day's work +was done, she sat and sewed, which seemed so respectable! Our other +handmaidens--so Letitia told me--never sewed. They pinned things on. As +long as they could get pins they paid no attention to needles. + +"She makes such cute, needlework-y things!" said Letitia gushingly, one +day, "dear little dresses and caps. I fancy, Archie, that she must be +working for a store. It really does seem, dear, as though we had a +treasure, at last. And just to think how doubtful we were about her. You +were right; it was a good sign that we were not instantly attracted." + +Miss Allallami fitted into the household scheme admirably. She was +always ready to efface herself, and in fact seemed to prefer it. +Gradually, Letitia and I grew quite light-hearted. We began to go about +and see people. We called, and emerged from our husk, so to speak. Meals +were always ready for us, and the hot dishes were not cold nor the cold +dishes hot. System was introduced into our midst, and Olga--well, I +would have doubled her wages gladly. + +Several weeks passed, and the bolt had not fallen from the blue. We went +to Tarrytown, and visited Aunt Julia, who rejoiced with us in our find. +The old lady was elated at our happiness, but knew that things would +right themselves eventually. She said something about a long lane that +had no turning. I fancied that I had heard it before. When we returned, +Letitia plunged into the classics once again, and good old Ovid was +trotted out, refreshed after his vacation. I set to work, and added +chapters to my _Lives of Great Men_. At the office, I labored with +renewed vigor, and Tamworth asserted that I must have taken a new lease +of life. He was very complimentary, was Tamworth, and it was the +invitation I tendered him to dine with us--which he promptly +accepted--that ousted me from the sweet security in which I seemed to +have been lulled. + +He came to dinner--and a very good dinner we had. It was neatly served +by Olga, who, with her face all smiles, appeared almost to coax us to +eat. I laughingly asked Tamworth if he recalled a former dinner with us, +for at present I felt far superior to that uncanny day. Yes, he +remembered it, and was quite amused. I noticed, that he watched Olga +very closely--with almost embarrassing attention, but I ascribed this to +his interest in her truly respectable dinner, a dinner, by-the-by, that +had no premonitory menu cards. We had grown out of that sort of thing, +and out of others. Letitia no longer appeared _décolleté_, although I +still wore evening clothes. + +After dinner, when Letitia had left us to our cigars, Tamworth struck a +match, and, pausing before he lighted his weed, looked at me with a +puzzled manner. + +"I'm surprised at you, Fairfax," he said. "Of course she is a good cook. +There is no doubt about that. But do you think it quite nice, +or--advisable?" + +"What--what do you mean?" + +"Well," he said nervously, "it seems a pity that the woman shouldn't +stay at home with her husband, or--if she is a widow, with her people." + +"My dear Tamworth," I remarked laughing, "you are a humorist. Why, she +has never even told us that she is married. I'm quite sure she isn't." + +"Oh, I hope she is," he cried, "I hope for Mrs. Fairfax's sake that she +is. Say, old man, you certainly don't want this sort of thing. I am sure +it is very charitable of you--and all that. It is very sweet and womanly +of Mrs. Fairfax. But the other people in the house must talk." + +At first I thought the man had gone stark, staring mad. He had taken +very little wine at dinner, so it couldn't possibly be that. I looked at +him in amazement. + +"You don't mean to tell me," he went on, "that you're blind?" + +Then he said some things, in a low tone, that I--I really can't write. +They were horrible. They sent the blood rushing to my face. They +impelled me back to the day we engaged Olga, when a strange idea had +occurred to me, that I had banished instantly. So thoroughly had I +banished it, that it had never occurred again, and came to me now as a +sheer and odious novelty. Tamworth could have no object in making these +suggestions to me. He was undoubtedly in earnest. Yet it seemed so +ridiculous and so lacking in--er--etiquette. Olga was such a pleasant, +good-natured person. Still, I was bound to admit that even pleasant, +good-natured persons-- + +I rose, and began to walk up and down, mentally cursing my guest. In +return for bread, he had made me uncomfortable. It was quite a ticklish +position in which I found myself. The question must be discussed with +Letitia, and--Quixotic, or some other "otic," though it may sound--the +notion of such a discussion was most distasteful to me. Aunt Julia would +have called me an idiot; perhaps I _was_ an idiot; still, because a +pretty girl happens to be a man's wife, it does seem distressing that he +should moot topics with her, that, if she were somebody else's wife, +would remain unmooted. + +Tamworth said no more on the subject; he evidently considered that he +had done his duty, and had no further mission to fulfil. When we joined +Letitia in the drawing-room, Tamworth and my wife monopolized the +conversation. I could not take part in it; I felt too oppressed by the +sudden apparition of the serpent that had appeared in our Eden. Letitia +tried to include me in the small-talk, but she did not succeed. I sat, +plunged in thought, dreading to think of Tamworth's departure, when I +felt that I should be forced to disconcert Letitia. And she had been so +happy for a few weeks, poor girl! Possibly, Tamworth was what they call +an "alarmist." I could guarantee him no more dinners in my house. + +At last he went, and we were alone. I made up my mind, while he was +putting on his bonnet and shawl outside, that I would defer my +discussion with Letitia until the morning. It would come better at the +boiled-egg moment, when we were quite calm and dispassionate. Moreover, +I could brood over it all night, and wisdom might come to me in that +way. + +"How quiet you were, Archie," said Letitia, "and what a time you and Mr. +Tamworth were over your cigars! What _were_ you talking about?" + +I made a bold stroke. "Tamworth," I replied in solemn, funereal tones, +"was talking about Olga." + +"The dinner certainly was excellent," said Letitia proudly, "and I'm +glad we invited him. So he talked about Olga? I noticed, Archie, that he +was staring at her, in really a rude way, while we were dining. I +couldn't help thinking that perhaps Mr. Tamworth is a--flirt!" + +What a tonic a laugh is! Letitia's little suggestion appealed to me as +so inordinately funny--despite my absence of a sense of humor--that I +fell back in my chair, convulsed. I laughed until the tears rolled down +my cheeks. I had not made so merry since the visit of Miss Priscilla +Perfoozle. I couldn't help picturing Tamworth's face, on learning that +my wife had suggested the idea of his flirting with the winsome Miss +Allallami. It did me good. I felt better immediately. The sinister +aspect of things seemed less alarming. + +"I don't see the joke," said Letitia. "If you are amused because you +look upon Olga as too plain to be flirted with--well, all I can say is +that every eye formeth its own beauty. Mr. Tamworth is seemingly very +sedate, but still waters run deep. Really, Archie,"--as I continued to +shake,--"I think you are very rude. Nothing annoys me more than to be +laughed at." + +The psychological moment had apparently arrived. There was no need to +wait for the breakfast hour. After having laughed myself strong, I felt +primed for the unpleasant task. Poor little ingenuous Letitia! I dubbed +myself a mean, sneaking sort of a Satan! + +"Letitia," I began, "I have something to say to you." + +This sounded suspiciously like Mr. William Collier, at Weber and +Fields', and I realized it as soon as I had spoken. It was a bad +beginning. Letitia anticipated a jest, for she followed up my remark +with "Don't tell me that you are--going--away--from--here?" + +"My dear," I said lugubriously, "Arthur Tamworth says that Olga must be +married." + +Letitia looked surprised and a bit scornful. "And yet they say that +women are gossips, and that men are superior!" she observed +sententiously. "If that isn't a confession of utter weakness! Two men, +after dinner, with cigars and _liqueurs_, can find nothing better to +talk about than the love affairs of the cook! It is my turn to laugh +now. Excuse me." + +I gladly allowed her to laugh, as I thought it would do her good. It had +been so beneficial to me that I should have felt selfish if I had +checked her mirth. However, Letitia was not as convulsively entertained +as I had been. + +"Now, dear," I said, when she had finished, "I want you to listen to me. +I--I--really do hate to tell you. I--I--can scarcely bring myself to it. +But--but--Tamworth insists--" + +I withdrew to the back of her chair, where I could not see her face. In +low tones, I imparted the gist of Arthur Tamworth's suspicions. It was +most distressing; it was painful. + +"The wretch!" cried Letitia, springing to her feet. "To think that we +have harbored such a man in our house! Really, Archie, your friends are +beneath contempt. Although I am your wife, I don't feel myself called +upon to associate with such creatures. How dare you tell me the subject +of your indelicate smoking-room orgies? I have always heard that men +were disgraceful after dinner. Aunt Julia told me so. She said that +coffee after dinner was a signal for all respectable women to withdraw. +I did not believe her. Now I do. And to think that my own +husband--you--Archie!" + +Letitia turned upon me with cheeks aflame. Her indignation was cyclonic. +Suddenly, as she gazed upon my helplessness--for she was a girl of +moods--her fury seemed to disperse itself. Gradually a reflective look +appeared in her eyes. She grew singularly calm. Presently, as I said +nothing, she simply stood still, and looked at me, musingly. + +"You can easily ask her," I said weakly and huskily, "if--if--she is +married." + +"Ask her?" cried Letitia, aghast. "Not for the world would I do so. How +terribly angry with myself I should feel, if she were married, and how +horribly angry with her if she were not! Don't you see that it is +impossible? It is too awful to contemplate. Perhaps--perhaps--_you_ +wouldn't mind asking her." + +"Letitia!" I exclaimed, shocked. + +"Oh," Letitia gurgled, in tears. "It is quite too wicked to think about! +Why--why--did we have that horrid man up to dinner? Poor Olga! She is a +good, kind woman. Yesterday, when I had a splitting headache, she bathed +my forehead with _eau de cologne_. Aunt Julia herself couldn't have been +kinder. I can't believe--" + +"But, my girl," I said sympathetically, "if she has a husband, she has +surely committed no crime. What Tamworth suggests is--er--pardonable, +under those circumstances. We merely want to know. Don't you see--" + +"Oh, I see," she cried pettishly, "of course I see. Seeing does not help +me at all. You want me to catechize the woman because you are afraid to +do so. Men are such cowards. Perhaps she will sue me for libel, if I ask +her such questions. I shouldn't complain. I deserve to be sued for +libel. I feel like suing myself. And--and--you are quite safe, because +you can always say that it isn't the thing for you to interfere in such +matters." + +"We really ought to have guessed--" + +"_You_ really ought to have guessed," she declared unreasonably. "You +are six years older than I am. You are a man of the world. +Anyway"--triumphantly--"it may not be true. And if I ever find that it +isn't, I'll go right down to Mr. Tamworth and tell him what I think of +him, in his own office, before all his clerks and typewriters--and +yours. He must be a horrible ninny. Really, I wouldn't dare to have such +a man around if--if--" + +There was nothing more to be said. Letitia was in a mood that made +argument uncomfortable, and the topic was not refreshing. I felt +relieved that we had threshed the matter out, but a trifle uneasy as to +future developments. These weeks had been very pleasant--the only +unperturbed period we had spent in our home. Could it be that our brief +happiness was for ever over? + +At breakfast, next morning, serenity reasserted itself. We were almost +inclined to dismiss all thoughts of the previous evening's discomfiture. +It all seemed so groundless. We ate our boiled eggs quite placidly. Miss +Allallami brought in the coffee and smiled reassuringly at us. Letitia +blushed guiltily as she saw her, and I felt quite unworthy and ashamed. + +"I do like her face so much," said Letitia quietly, as I looked over the +papers. "I don't know when I have liked it so well. Not for the world +would I vex her. I am trying, Archie, to put myself in her place." + +"My dear!" + +"I feel like a sister toward her," continued Letitia. "I have rarely +been so attached to anybody. I'll tell you what we'll do, Archie--if you +agree to it. You know that Aunt Julia has invited us to stay with her +over Sunday at Tarrytown. We'll just let things go on as they are for +the present. And on Thursday, when we go to Tarrytown, I'll submit the +case to Aunt Julia. If she thinks I ought to speak to Olga--I agree to +do so. Whatever she advises shall be done. That is fair, isn't it? Tell +me, dear, that you are satisfied." + +I was satisfied--eminently so. Postponing evils is always a gratifying +occupation, and the few remaining days of pleasant domesticity that this +arrangement left us seemed delightful. We would eat, drink and be merry, +while we could. We would avoid the dreadful subject until Thursday. + +The fool's paradise bewitched us as surely as before. Tamworth faded +into the distance and the old order reëstablished itself. We enjoyed +ourselves in our happy little home. When Thursday came, Letitia took +quite an affectionate farewell of Miss Allallami, and off we went to +Tarrytown. Had I not reminded Letitia of her agreement, I veritably +believe that she would have forgotten it. It seemed a pity to reopen the +wound, but I felt that it was cruel to be kind. + +Aunt Julia was very much perturbed, and I am bound to say, most +disagreeable. She was indignant at Letitia's qualms, and she told me +that I was not only weak but unmanly. She insinuated that we were both +candidates for the nursery and unfitted to cope with the problems of +married life. She seemed to have no doubts as to the truth of Tamworth's +abominable innuendo, and, to cap it all, she opined that it was a good +thing we had at least one friend who seemed to be sensible and +dignified. Letitia was almost in tears. I felt that I positively hated +Aunt Julia. + +There is no use prolonging the story. The bolt from the blue fell. The +blue had seemed so emphatically blue, and the bolt had been so +invisible! It made matters worse. + +"I shall have to speak to Olga," said poor Letitia, in the train on the +way home; "I see that there is no other course to pursue. It seems ten +thousand pities to nip the poor girl's affection for us. I dare say she +is at the window, awaiting our arrival. And I must greet her with an +odious catechism." + +There was nobody at the window, however. The blinds in the drawing-room +were down, and the aspect of the house was _morne_--which is the best +adjective, though French, that I can think of. We rang the bell, and, +after a pause, the door was opened, and we went up stairs. At the door +of our apartment, instead of Miss Allallami, we encountered a strange +woman in a white apron. For a moment we stood, direly perplexed. + +"Mr. and Mrs. Fairfax?" asked the strange woman, with a pleasant smile. + +It was extraordinary. To be asked at one's own door if one were oneself! + +We entered without replying. Letitia kept well in the background. I +imagined that we should find our apartment looted. Perhaps the strange +woman was--looting! + +The drawing-room was untouched. Everything was in its proper place, not +an ornament missing; not a gewgaw disturbed. The woman was still +smiling. + +"I congratulate you, Mr. and Mrs. Fairfax," she said with a Finnish +intonation. "You will be glad, I know. It occurred yesterday, and it was +too late to telegraph. Olga--" + +"What about Olga?" cried Letitia. + +"Go on," I commanded imperiously. + +The strange woman simpered, and looked down. "Olga," she murmured, "Olga +has twins--two of the sweetest little babies, a boy and a girl. One she +is going to call Archie, and the other Letitia. Oh, she is as well as +can be expected. She--" + +I looked round quickly, the extent of the calamity breaking in on my +dense brain. I turned to Letitia. She had fainted--on the tiger-head. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + + +I should like to drop this episode, without further comment, where I +left it at the close of the last chapter. Personally, I hate dotting i's +and crossing t's. An interrogation mark always seems to me most +satisfactory--as delightful as the after-theater supper for which +somebody else pays. Still, I realize that I am in the minority; that the +majority cries for the comfortable adjustment of odds and ends, without +any strain upon the imagination. + +I must therefore, put the finishing touches to the "incident" of Olga +Allallami. + +The odd thing about Letitia's behavior was that her affection for Miss +Allallami evaporated so quickly that it made me wonder if my wife could +possibly be fickle. It was, however, the twins that settled Letitia. I +feel convinced that had cook been guilty of one mere child, Letitia's +sweet womanly nature would have remained sympathetic. The dual blow +infuriated her. She thought twins vulgar and most unrefined, and could +not bear to discuss them. Perhaps it was just as well. Had Letitia +continued to "feel as a sister" toward our recalcitrant cook, things +would have been very disagreeable, and the indications were that Olga, +with one child, would have been allowed full scope. + +As it was, we simply abandoned our apartment. We inflicted ourselves +upon the long-suffering Aunt Julia, in Tarrytown, and left cook and her +brace of children in our home until such time as they could leave it. We +learned that Miss Allallami's husband--for she was, indeed, a wife--had +been employed in the Brooklyn Navy Yard, and had returned to Finland to +make a home for his little Olga. She, anxious to earn a few +pennies--honest or otherwise--had remained behind, until she felt +competent to join him. + +"It's a mercy she's married," I said as I heard this, but Letitia's +joyous assent was lacking. + +"Oh, I don't know," she remarked immorally; "it wouldn't really matter. +If she had been respectable enough to have had one little son, or one +little daughter, I should have asked no questions." + +Miss Allallami's kindly and amiable nature had helped her cause. There +had been method in her affability. She had "used" us, so to speak, and +Letitia felt quite embittered about it. She declared that she was losing +all faith in human nature. It would henceforth be impossible for her to +attach herself to anybody. It was enough to sour a seraph, she said. +She had given real affection to Miss Allallami, and her reward had +been--screaming twins. It was maddening. So irate was Letitia, that I +nearly pleaded poor Olga's cause. + +"The poor woman herself did not anticipate twins," I said weakly. + +"Nonsense!" declared Letitia scornfully, "I'm convinced that she _knew_. +These Finnish women are so crafty. No, don't argue with me about it, +Archie. I'm quite ashamed of the episode. It makes me feel degraded, and +I shall never like our apartment again--never. And yet I was so certain +of Olga's loyalty!" + +"You--you can't say, dear, that she isn't loyal. She is merely--" + +"That is enough, Archie," said Letitia, doing like the heroines in the +novels, and "drawing herself up to her full height." "That is quite +enough. You are singularly lacking in fine sentiment. I dare say that +you and your charming Mr. Tamworth--never let me meet him again--will +have a high old time chuckling over my misfortune. Yes, I call it _my_ +misfortune! Let us for ever drop the abominable subject." + +And we did. Of course, it had to be threshed out before final +abandonment, with Aunt Julia, in whose house we stayed until cook's +departure. Mrs. Dinsmore, I grieve to say, was not sympathetic. Some +people seem to find tragedy amusing, and Aunt Julia was one of them. She +said that she should never be able to take us seriously, and asked us to +excuse her mirth, _after_ she had indulged in it. As we were literally +sponging upon her, we were obliged to be indulgent. It was not a +pleasant time that we spent in Tarrytown. Aunt Julia offered to return +to New York and help Letitia in her housekeeping, until such time as we +were "suited"--an offer that Letitia courteously but spiritedly refused. + +We found that Miss Allallami's gratitude had taken the form of a +photograph of the twins, neatly framed, and hung in the drawing-room. It +was a little delicate attention that we failed to appreciate. Letitia +tore down the picture and threw it from the window. It was the last +allusion to Olga. We seldom mentioned her case again. We were at home +once more, as unsettled as though we were just beginning our domestic +struggles, and we were determined to face the situation boldly. + +"I've been thinking, dear," I said one evening, as we sat dining in the +least objectionable restaurant that I could find, "that perhaps if we +offered fabulous wages, we could secure a fine cook. Suppose we try it. +You know, Letitia, I always put a little money aside for a rainy day, +and it seems to me that if I refrain from saving and invest it all in +cook, we should be more comfortable. It can never rain worse than it is +now doing." + +Letitia looked radiant. I felt I had made a hit. "You are really a +sensible man, after all, Archie," she declared (I could have dispensed +with the "after all"). "If you don't mind paying the same wages to cook +that she would get with Fifth Avenue millionaires, naturally we can not +fail. Moreover, she will have an easier time with us than with them, as +we don't give dinner parties or sit down thirty or forty to a meal. It's +really a lovely idea. And--and--don't you think, dear, that saving is +awfully provincial and petty, and--and--Brooklyn?" + +I hadn't looked upon it in that light. Tamworth had advised me to put +something aside, as he said that married men were bound to provide for +emergencies. I had done this systematically. In the meantime, we were +literally "pigging" it. Surely this was the rainy day. + +"Why should a young, brainy man like you," continued Letitia, beaming +fondly upon me, "worry himself about what _might_ happen in the distant +future? It seems so--so--little, doesn't it, dear? It is so like the +little Brooklyn clerks whom you see trundling baby-carriages and rushing +away to savings banks with a five-dollar bill. It is really unworthy of +the author of _Lives of Great Men_. The thrifty always seem to me so +namby-pamby." + +"You are overthrowing the doctrines of domestic economy, Letitia," I +said with a smile. + +"Well, let's do it, Archie. If we can be comfortable, we might as well +overthrow things. Oh, I suppose thrift is all right. 'A penny +saved'--and all that sort of thing! Let's have a culinary student in the +kitchen, and pay her a handsome salary. We shall be happy, and when we +are happy, we prosper. That is surely so. We send forth radiant +thoughts, and they all work for us. I believe in that. Oh, won't it be +fun, Archie?" + +There seemed to be logic in this idea. What's the use of saving and +being uncomfortable to-day, when we may die to-morrow? We might better +invest our money in the certainty of a blissful present, than hoard it +in the uncertainty of the future. So we carefully knocked down the +elaborate maxims of the "institutions for savings," and felt relieved. + +"It is absurd," said Letitia, as she dipped the tips of her fingers into +a rosy finger-bowl, "all this business of economy. Suppose you _were_ +incapacitated, Archie, do you imagine that I am quite helpless? I could +teach Latin, and there must be hundreds of girls just crazy to read +Ovid in the original. Or, I could learn typewriting, or bookkeeping, or +other ugly but profitable accomplishments. We should never starve. I +could even go on the stage, if _everything_ else failed." + +"Only if everything else failed, my dear," I suggested. + +"Oh, of course; as the very last thing. So many girls do it. If they are +too silly to teach, or too unsympathetic to get married, or too lazy to +learn anything, they go on the stage, and get lovely salaries. I +shouldn't select the life of an actress, but if--" + +"We won't discuss such possibilities," I said firmly. "It is unnecessary +to do so. My _Lives of Great Men_ is nearly finished. It is the sort of +book that every home will be obliged to store. There are seventy million +people in the United States. Let us put down seven million homes, at a +low estimate, and there you are with seven million books yielding us a +royalty--not including the sales in Europe, Asia, Africa, and Australia. +The prospect is really alluring." + +"So it is, Archie," she assented jubilantly, "and here we are, +discussing saving, like Sarah Jane and her young man. It is very narrow +of us. I forgot your book. And yet literature is most profitable, and +such a necessity! The other day, down-town, I saw the complete works of +Shakespeare--plays and poems--bound in leather for fifty cents." + +"My book will cost five dollars," I said rather hesitantly. + +"Well, dear, it's so much _newer_ than Shakespeare," she asserted +triumphantly. "I don't suppose that it will last quite as long--I could +not say that, Archie--but while it is selling, it may as well sell for +five dollars. Nobody ever thinks of competing with Shakespeare. I'm very +proud of your _Lives of Great Men_ though you have never read any of it +to me." + +"Perhaps that's why," I suggested, temporarily moody, as most genius is +said to be. + +"You're a silly boy, and I'm not going to flatter you by telling you how +much more interested I am in Archibald Fairfax than in William +Shakespeare. You shall read me your _Lives of Great Men_ as soon as we +have our cook. In the meantime, I'm so glad you have decided not to +save. Let us eat, drink, and be merry, for to-morrow we die. It is hard +to do those three things, at a seventy-five-cent _table-d'hôte_." + +"And the 'to-morrow we die' doesn't seem so hard?" + +"No, it doesn't, really, Archie. The way we are living now is enough to +drive anybody to pessimism. It is unnatural; it is wrong; we will spend +our money, and be happy." + +There is one certain thing about New York. You can get anything you want +in that "tuberosity of civilized life" if you have the wherewithal, or, +in other words, "the price." It is what Europeans call the middle +classes that suffer the most in the American metropolis, whereas in +other capitals, it is they that are the happiest. The extremely indigent +and the inflatedly wealthy never complain of New York City. It is the +neither-rich-nor-poor who find life difficult and are unable to gratify +the innate need for refinement and comfort; who discover that graceful +life is a knotty problem, and that the art of "keeping up appearances" +with moderate means is well-nigh impossible. New York is the Mecca of +the rich and the poor; it is the Hades of the unhappy medium. Those who +are just "comfortable" in London, are "just uncomfortable" in New York. + +So we set about the discovery of an expensive cook. We pored over the +advertisements in the daily papers, in a determined hunt for something +eminently first-class. Letitia rather fancied an "Alsatian chef" who had +been with the "finest families in Europe and America," and modestly +asked one hundred dollars per month, but I felt suspicious. + +"You remember, dear," I said warningly, "that Mrs. Potzenheimer came or +did not come from the Vanderbilts. At any rate, she said she did. You +probably recall the fact that the Duchess of Marlborough fancied her +cooking." + +"Let bygones be bygones," remarked Letitia solemnly. "Archie, don't be +mean." + +The "Alsatian chef," according to his plaintive call in the newspaper, +announced that he was "first-class in every respect," but I couldn't +bear the idea of a man hanging around all day in our cramped and modern +apartment. It would probably be most embarrassing. + +"You know, dear," I said, "you were very fond of asking the others to do +odd jobs, and you couldn't possibly request an Alsatian chef to wash out +a few handkerchiefs." + +"I hope I understand the etiquette of the arrangement as well as you +do," she retorted, quite vexed. "I am perfectly well aware that a chef +wouldn't do anything of the sort. I believe, Archie Fairfax, that I am +quite able to cope with these matters." + +We learned, after incessant study of the advertising columns, that the +expensive cooks emphasized "desserts, soups, jellies" in their list of +attractions, and that the others never mentioned them. Jellies seemed to +be the great distinguishing mark--the boundary line, as it +were--between the expensive and the non-expensive. This was invariable. +No sooner did a cook say "jelly" than she demanded treble wages. It +seemed as though, to be luxurious, one must dote on jelly. + +"And yet," said Letitia ruefully, "I really don't care very much about +it. I'd much sooner engage a woman who understood eggs _à la reine_. +Jelly seems to me so insipid. I don't suppose that we should want it +once in a blue moon. All these women harp so on jellies, don't they, +Archie? There must be some reason for it. I was never brought up to +consider jellies as a great accomplishment." + +"I suppose they really mean 'jellies' to cover all sorts of sweets," I +suggested. "You see, dear, pie sounds rather vulgar. In this city, +nobody thinks anything of pie. Undoubtedly, however, the woman who +announces her accomplishment in jellies intends to imply pastries of all +kinds." + +"It may be so, of course. But as we are not quite sure, that question +must be asked. It would be dreadful if we engaged a cook, at prohibitive +wages, and then found that we had to live on nasty, wobbly jelly. +Besides, it sounds so invalid-y to me. I'm so accustomed to taking jelly +to anybody who has a cold, or who happens to be out of sorts, that I +really dislike it. Why, only yesterday, Archie, I sent some jelly to +Mrs. Archer, who has a stiff neck." + +"Here's one," I said, bringing my index finger to a sudden standstill in +its chute down the advertising columns; "'elegant pastries; table +decorations a specialty; French dishes, jellies.' You see, she ends at +jellies, but does not begin with them. She has been 'with the finest +families in the Faubourg St. Germain, Paris.' She is 'reliable'--and +odiously expensive." + +"That doesn't matter, we have decided," chirped Letitia. "We may as well +be hung for a sheep as a lamb. I rather fancy that advertisement, dear. +Let me see: 'Address, Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle." + +"We could call her Cynthie," I ventured in a light mood. + +"Please don't jest. We can be frivolous, later on--when we are not +hungry. The advertisement reads very well, and in a case like this, even +if she can't do all that she announces, it won't matter at all. For +instance, we may find that 'table decorations a specialty' is just a +pure ghost story. I shouldn't care a bit; should you? As long as the +table is neatly set, with a pretty plant, a table-center, and delicately +folded serviettes, the other decorations wouldn't matter in the least." + +"There you are right, Letitia," I assented. "I don't suppose that she +would place a bottle of Worcestershire sauce in the middle of the table +as a decoration, like--" + +"You are always dragging up those detestable women whom we are trying to +forget," asserted Letitia petulantly. "Do, for goodness' sake, forget +the past. We are going to place things on a different footing. We are +going to engage the best and be satisfied with the merely--better. I +think I shall go and see Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle. The 'elegant +pastries' capture me. I'm so sick of bread pudding and baked apples. Her +name, too, is reassuring. Of course, you know--or should know--that a +French cook is the most economical person on earth. It is a science with +her. What other people throw away, she makes into _ragoût_, or +_croquettes_, or _blanquette_, and other delightful things all ending in +'ette'." + +"I believe they call it hash, here," I interrupted. + +"What they call hash here," said Letitia spitefully, "is just a horrid +resurrection, not fit for plow-boys. The French housewife cooks very +differently. Why, even the _pot au feu_ is delicious, and what could be +cheaper? She serves an exquisite soup, and she offers the meat with +which it was made in an appetizing way. We shall certainly save money +in one direction, Archie, even if we spend it in another." + +"You seem thoroughly to understand the art of cooking, Letitia," I said +admiringly. "I wonder that you never went in for it." + +"I understand it theoretically," she said sedately. "It is, of course, a +science, and if I had to begin life again, I would go to Paris and +study. Girls go there to cultivate the voice; I'd go to cultivate the +stomach. But it is too late now. I admire the French knack and system. +They produce masterpieces of gastronomic skill at a moderate cost. Here +they throw away the delicate parts of meat and fish because they don't +know what to do with them; there, they use them artistically and +economically." + +"If you really think that Madame de Lyrolle can do all this--" + +"I'm sure she can, Archie. I feel it intuitively. Of course, she asks a +fearful remuneration, but as long as she thinks she can get it, you +can't blame her for asking. At home, she might probably be an ordinary +cook, getting nothing a month, with privileges; here, she would probably +be a wonder, and is entitled to high wages. Please--please let us have +her, Archie." + +"And the Alsatian chef?" + +"You provoking boy! You know he didn't appeal to you and that you +brought me round to your way of thinking"--oh, Letitia!--"and I gave in, +as I always give in, because you are such a hopelessly spoiled person. +You know you thought the Alsatian chef wouldn't wash my handkerchiefs. +Well, though I shall never ask her to do so, I'm sure that Madame +Hyacinthe de Lyrolle would gladly help me. Anyway, I want her. May +I--may I--go and see about it?" + +Letitia spoke wheedlingly, with the old charm that I had never been able +to resist. It was as potent as ever. + +"One thing, Letitia," I said, "what _could_ we call the woman? It would +be so embarrassing to address her as Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle. +Imagine calling out, 'Please come here, Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle, I +want to speak to you.' You must arrange to address her as Mary, or--or +Sarah." + +"Don't be silly, Archie. You are straining at trifles. We can call her +Madame. It sounds French-y, and impressive. That is the least of our +difficulties, and not worth considering. To-morrow morning, I shall go +and interview her, and--you noble boy--I know that you will never regret +the expense. You like to see me happy, don't you?" + +"Oh, Letitia, have I ever--" + +"Of course. I know you do. I've never doubted it for one moment, even +with our darkest cook. And I _am_ happy at the mere idea of Madame +Hyacinthe de Lyrolle. Say you consent; say it as though you meant it; +say 'Letitia, please, like a dear, go and engage Madame Hyacinthe de +Lyrolle, for I want her!' Say that, please." + +I said it. There was even a tinge of emphatic yearning in my voice. The +outsider, could he have heard me, might have believed that life, without +Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle, would be a blank. Strangest thing of all--I +quite believed that I wanted her. Letitia's influence was hypnotic. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + +There were evidently difficulties in the way of the immediate annexation +of Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle. When I reached home next evening I found +Letitia in cookless solitude, a dinnerless dining-room, and the +indications of another restaurant repast. My wife looked somewhat +excited, as though she had much to tell me, and I felt that, perchance, +the course of French cook did not run smooth. I had arrived at the stage +when nothing connected with the domestic life could surprise me; I was +persistently prepared for the worst, and quite disposed to regard the +best as a luxury. Possibly in time I should even grow philosophic--not +that I owned the temperament of the confirmed philosopher. + +When we were seated at table, in our selected restaurant, and I had +chosen the lesser of two evils--or of two soups--Letitia's pent-up +excitement burst forth, and--well, conversation did not flag. + +"It is going to be so very much more expensive than I thought, Archie," +she said. "I called upon Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle to-day, and found +her exceedingly distinguished--I might almost say haughty. She spoke +English as well as I do, and I could scarcely realize that she was +French. Her aptitude for languages, she told me, was quite remarkable. +Everything seemed satisfactory, until--until she asked about--about the +butler. Had we a reliable butler? She considered a docile, reliable +butler almost indispensable. I know I turned scarlet, for I felt quite +humiliated as I had to inform her that we didn't keep a butler." + +The soup had made its appearance, but Letitia was too engrossed to touch +it. I was not. + +"She smiled rather provokingly," continued Letitia, "but told me not to +be discouraged. She has a nephew, a respectable young man, born here, +whom she has been coaching in the duties of a butler. She suggested that +he would be of great value and comfort to us, as, being her relative, +she could work with him in perfect harmony." + +"But you know, my girl," I interrupted rather testily, "that we couldn't +put up a butler. There isn't space in this apartment, unless--unless he +roomed with his aunt." + +"I warn you, Archie, that if you begin to be funny--" + +"I can't think of any other way in which we could accommodate a butler. +A nice Japanese screen in his aunt's room--" + +Letitia was a lovely subject to tease. She took everything to heart so +promptly! It seems an undignified confession to make, but my little wife +never amused me more than when she was in rebellion at what she called +my levity. After all, a man must have a little fun in the dreary +drabness of his cookless home. + +I continued heartlessly: "If you don't like that idea, I have another. +Rather than deprive Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle of the services of her +dear nephew, we could arrange things this way: you could room with +Madame and I with the butler. You must admit, dear, that there would be +no glaring impropriety in that." + +This time Letitia smiled and was saved. She made strenuous efforts to +remain vexed, as I could see, but in spite of herself she was moved to a +suspicion of mirth, and it did her good. + +"Don't be a silly boy," she said, "and reserve your ingenuity. We need +it in serious and not frivolous matters. I told Madame de Lyrolle that +we occupied an apartment, which was not particularly spacious, and that +much as we should like to employ her nephew, we could not possibly see +our way to do so. She was disappointed. She then asked me about first +maids, and second maids, and--and oh, Archie, I felt disgraced. I made +up my mind to abandon Madame de Lyrolle." + +Letitia paused, and remembered her soup. She toyed with it nonchalantly. + +"She spoke quite kindly," resumed Letitia. "Of course, she said, we must +understand that she never left her kitchen. As for doing anything else +but cooking and decorating the table in case of dinner parties--that +would be impossible. She insisted that she was an artist; that she had +real temperament; that she was occasionally inspired, and then again +depressed." + +"That means a depressed dinner from time to time," I muttered gloomily. + +"No," said Letitia firmly, "not if surrounding conditions are +auspicious. I quite understood her sentiments, Archie. They were not at +all unreasonable. The artistic temperament does not lurk merely with +third-rate actors or fourth-rate novelists. A French cook may assuredly +possess it. She told me that in moments of mental exaltation she has +given to the world dishes of wonderful import. For instance, on one +occasion when her mood was dreamy and mystic, she made a _salmi_ of +black game that the editor of the Paris _Figaro_ said was worthy of +being dramatized. Oh, she talked a good deal, and in a high-falutin' +strain, and I liked her, but--" + +"Did you engage her?" + +"I am coming to that question. Finally, she told me that as we hadn't a +maid, and as she positively refused to appear in the dining-room +herself, she could merely suggest that if I engaged her, I also engage a +bright young girl, now living with her, a niece--" + +"She seems to have quite a family!" + +"I saw the girl, who was named Leonie. She was as pretty as a picture. +One could imagine her as the French maid in comedy--one of those dainty +little things that wear fluffy white aprons, and occasionally do a +dance. You know, Archie. The girl seemed quite willing to join her aunt, +but she asked a large salary--more than we paid any of our cooks. So, +you see, I didn't like to engage Madame de Lyrolle without first +consulting you. It will be much more expensive than we thought. In +addition to Madame's exorbitant salary, there will be Leonie, +and--and--do you think we could afford it?" + +It is horrid for a young husband to admit to a young wife that there is +anything in the world he can't afford. At least I felt that way. Letitia +waited almost piteously for my reply, and I detested the idea of doing +the poor. She looked unusually pretty, with her flushed face and her +red, emotional lips. Moreover, the dinner was hateful, the cooking +immoral, and the surroundings impossible. I was tempted, and--I fell. + +"We might try it, Letitia," I said. "You know my book is nearly +finished, and in a home that _is_ a home, I fancy I can do so much +more." + +"Oh, thank you, Archie, thank you. You are a good, brave, noble boy. I +am convinced that you won't regret it, and we shall be so cozy and +happy. I think you are right. We might as well enjoy life while we are +young. I dare say that when we are old we shan't mind bread pudding, and +baked apples, and mutton stew, and--and--hash." + +"I shall always loathe hash," I asserted vehemently. + +Our dinner ended delightfully. We could not eat the food, but the meal +was intellectual rather than material. We chatted affably, and no +outsider could possibly have imagined that we were married. Our manner +was that of the newly engaged. + +"Of course, Madame de Lyrolle is Americanized," said Letitia. "I could +see that. In Paris, cooks, chambermaids and nurses receive just about +half the wages they get here. Servants in France are quite oppressed. +They don't know the meaning of a 'Sunday out.' They are dependent upon +the caprices of Monsieur and Madame. And I dare say you know, Archie, +that even in the most luxurious French households the most rigid +economies are practised. Somewhere I read that the refuse that leaves a +French kitchen would starve a small family of rats; which is perhaps the +reason why there are so few rats in Paris." + +"It seems almost a pity that she _is_ Americanized, don't you think, +dear?" + +"Oh, she could never _quite_ lose her French training, Archie. Perhaps +she is Americanized only in the matters of salary and privileges." + +"At any rate," I said, "she won't bathe in the kitchen--or anywhere +else. French people rarely do." + +"They have been brought up to dislike water," remarked Letitia +reflectively. "In Paris, even little children are taught that it is +impure and are coaxed to drink claret. Probably by dint of harping on +the impurity of water, they come to the conclusion that it is rather +silly to wash in it. Don't you think so, Archie? It seems to be a trait +of the national character. Yet they are a cleanly race. They don't +advertise their ablutions as we do. In England and America we talk so +much about cold tubs, and the latest improvements in bathroom +apparatus! It is quite indelicate when you come to think of it." + +So Letitia went down next morning to secure the Gallic prize with its +Gallic appendage. Madame de Lyrolle had laughed at the idea of +references. She had lived with a Wall Street broker, she told Letitia, +with an air of such importance that it was clear she regarded him in +about the same class as the president of the French Republic. She had +cooked for the French embassy in Washington, and for various people who +had honored places in "Who's Who?"--to say nothing of "What's What." +Most of her references were traveling in Europe. They summered in +England; autumned in France; wintered in Egypt; and sprung--I mean +springed--in Germany. They were Americans, but there never seemed to be +any part of the year that they dedicated to their own country. They had +European resorts for the four seasons of the year. Had there been a +fifth, they might possibly have deigned to spend it in America, but in +default of a supplementary season, they could not be reached in the land +of the free and the home of the brave. + +The arrival of Madame de Lyrolle in our modest homestead seemed to be +somewhat revolutionary. At any rate, immediate joy was lacking. The +first view I obtained of Letitia, after the advent of the lady from +France, convinced me that something had crushed her. Her feathers were +ruffled, so to speak. She was sitting pensively in the drawing-room, in +an evening gown, and although her heart's desire, and her heart's +desire's niece, were in the kitchen, there was no exultant satisfaction +visible upon Letitia's mobile features. + +"My girl!" I cried, astonished. "I certainly expected to find you in the +seventh heaven!" + +"It's nothing, Archie," she said, with an evident effort, as I sat down +beside her; "I am just depressed. I spent the afternoon in the kitchen +with Madame de Lyrolle, at her request, and--and--I feel about an inch +high. I feel cheap, common, and--if you don't mind my being +colloquial--like thirty cents." + +She really looked the part. My little wife seemed to have shrunk most +positively. + +"Madame de Lyrolle and Leonie," she began, "are both so impressive that +they awed me. The former begged me courteously to explain things to her +in the kitchen before she assumed the reins of management, as she called +it. Naturally I complied with her request, although it seemed to me a +bit unnecessary. The first thing we did was to go through the table +appointments, and--and--you can't imagine how--how humiliating it was." + +"Humiliating!" I exclaimed indignantly. "And why, pray?" + +"Well, Archie, Madame de Lyrolle appeared to think them inadequate. +There are so many things that we lack. One of her first demands was for +the asparagus tongs, and--and--when I told her that we had never used +any, I saw her smile and--glance at Leonie. And Leonie smiled, too, +and--and then they both smiled together. She asked me if we had +individual asparagus holders, and--and--then there were more smiles." + +Letitia's face was burning, and she was apparently re-sampling her +humiliation. + +"After that," she continued, "she asked me where we kept the +grape-scissors, and again I had to admit that we had none. 'Oh,' she +remarked quite scornfully, 'and how do you separate grapes? You don't +pull them apart?' Of course we do, Archie, but I dreaded to say so. I +think I stammered, and once more I saw her exchange glances with Leonie. +I could have burst into tears when she asked for the orange cups. It was +absolutely galling. Honestly, I thought they would have left the house +immediately when I confessed to the absence of orange cups. I might +have committed a crime, Madame de Lyrolle looked black, and Leonie +pursed her lips. Madame said that never--never during her artistic +career (those were her words) had she affiliated (her word) with people +who failed in the matter of orange cups." + +"I wouldn't use them," I interrupted angrily. "Thank goodness, while I +have my health and strength, I can peel an orange with my good old +fingers and a knife." + +"Hush, dear. After the orange-cup episode, she seemed to regard me with +a sort of tender pity. I'm sure she considered me a Goth, +and--and--nobody has ever done that before. To be pitied by one's cook! +Oh, it was horrible. When it came to the silver, which as you know, +dear, is mostly quadruple plate--silver in name only--I was reduced to a +sort of pulp. She and Leonie examined it critically, positively looking +for marks on it, and I should have hated to hear their comments in my +absence. 'I have never served food in anything but sterling silver +before,' said Madame. 'Just imagine my _salmi_ of black game, in an +_entrée_ dish of quadruple plate! Why, the delicacy of the flavor would +be ruined. I'm afraid I shall not be able to achieve a _salmi_." + +I began to experience a slight symptom of Letitia's humiliation, as I +realized that while I might one day be a successful author, I could +never--never--be a Wall Street broker! + +"I told her," Letitia resumed, bitterly mortified, "that we would try to +do without the _salmi_. We would endeavor to drag on a wretched +existence without black game. I meant this for sarcasm, but it didn't +take. Her lip curled. 'As Madame wishes,' she said contemptuously. Of +course, some of our silver is not quadruple plate--the salt-cellars and +the cruets. I longed for her to reach them. Would you believe it, +Archie, she was not interested? Artists, she said, did not sanction the +appearance on table of salt-cellars or cruets. Food should be properly +seasoned before it left the kitchen. Salt-cellars and cruets belonged to +the barbarous table notions of uneducated English and Americans." + +"Really, Letitia, I don't think we can--" + +"Don't, please. It is all right now. I'm just telling you what _did_ +happen, so that you can sympathize with me. I've been through it +all--alone. She then told me that while salt-cellars on a dinner table +were unnecessary, _bonbonnières_ filled with dainty candy were rigidly +called for. When she saw our _bonbonnières_, she and Leonie turned +quietly aside. You remember, Archie, they were theater souvenirs that +Aunt Julia gave us. One celebrated the one hundredth performance of _The +Masqueraders_, the other the fiftieth performance of _The Girl With the +Green Eyes_. I really felt quite abject. I--I--positively longed +for--for Mrs. Potzenheimer." + +Poor Letitia! It was cruel. Gladly would I have spared her such chagrin. + +"I don't think she meant to cause me pain," she went on. "She is merely +swell, and she seemed to wonder why we, who lacked these luxuries, had +engaged so expensive a culinary artist. Perhaps it was natural, but--I +really couldn't put myself in her place, though it must have been much +more comfortable than _mine_! I was glad when the silver inspection was +over. It wouldn't have been so bad if I had been alone with Madame, but +Leonie was there, like a hateful echo, and that made it so fearfully +trying. Next, I had to introduce her to the glass. Oh!" + +I dreaded to hear about the glass. What would she think of my tumblers, +at ninety-six cents a dozen, bought to replace the wedding present that +Potzenheimer and Birdie had smashed between them! + +"She asked to see the cut-glass," said Letitia, and this time there was +a wan smile on her lips. "I felt that she would indeed be +extraordinarily clever--in fact, _clairvoyante_--if she _could_ see the +cut-glass, for I couldn't. There was the decanter, that was cut-glass +only as to the stopper, and there was the salad-bowl, that is merely +near-cut-glass. When she saw the tumblers"--I winced--"I really thought +that she would throw them out of the window. 'Even _vin ordinaire_ would +be tasteless in them,' she said. 'I should like to see the best +tumblers, those that you use for dinner parties, and on state +occasions.'" + +Letitia came to a standstill, as though she had at last reached the +meeting of the waters and was pausing before tackling the conflict. + +"Just then, Archie, it occurred to me," she said slowly, "that +nothing--nothing could save us but a good, big, carefully conceived, +well-directed, artistic, whopping lie!" + +"That's right!" I cried viciously. "I forgive you beforehand." + +"Why should we be intimidated by a cook?" she asked oratorically. "I +asked myself that, and I could find no answer. Here we were about to +ruin ourselves to give this woman employment, being cross-examined by +her, as though we were prisoners at the bar. Moreover, it was a case of +two to one--she and Leonie against me! So I remained quiet for a few +moments, as I came to the conclusion that nobody could cope with all +this but a really beautiful, unabashed liar!" + +"I can't bear to hear you talk like that, Letitia," I said, my +viciousness vanishing, as I realized the full force of Letitia's +irreligious resolution. + +"I suddenly turned upon her," said Letitia, not heeding my +plaintiveness, "in a well-assumed fury. It was a condition that I found +no difficulty in simulating. 'I have listened to your impertinent +catechism for a long time, Madame,' I said, 'and now it's my turn. No +doubt you are surprised to find our appointments so meager. The fact is, +that as we don't know you, and as your references are all at the +antipodes, we have sent all our valuables to my aunt's country seat in +Tarrytown. The gold dinner set, that we use every day; the antique +silver table ornaments, the priceless salad-bowl, punch-bowl, and +tumblers; the wonderful knives, and the marvelous forks--all have gone +to Tarrytown, because we don't know you, there to stay until we do! You +see, we have been victimized by cooks, and though an artist, you are yet +a cook.'" + +"Good!" I exclaimed triumphantly. "Bravo! You're a genius, Letitia. It +was a masterpiece." + +"I must confess that after my brave words, I felt terribly frightened. I +experienced a sort of reaction that made me quite weak. I thought that +this would end all the roseate allurements of Madame de Lyrolle, and +that she would instantly quit. I felt positively harrowed, as it +occurred to me that we should have to begin over again, and that all our +efforts had gone for nothing. Would you believe it, Archie? She was as +meek as Moses, while Leonie absolutely fawned!" + +"You clever girl!" + +"As for instantly quitting, she seemed to fear that I should request her +to do so. 'I meant no impertinence,' she said quite humbly, 'and I think +you were right about the gold dishes. One can't be too careful.' The +gold dishes caught her, Archie. I felt almost sorry that I hadn't +studded them with a few diamonds. But one can't think of everything! +Aunt Julia's country seat, in Tarrytown, also made a hit. It seemed to +shed a reflected luster upon us. She asked several questions--oh, very +deferentially--about it, and I could see that we had gone up in her +estimation. As I am really anxious to keep her, Archie, and to be +comfortable for a little while, I thought it advisable to be vulgarly +ostentatious on the subject of Aunt Julia. I told her that my aunt was +fabulously wealthy, and hated the idea of our living so unpretentiously +in New York, in a small apartment. I put it all down to you, dear. I +cooked up a story of a _mésalliance_. I had married you against Aunt +Julia's wishes. You were poor and of rather common parentage, but I +loved you, I said." + +"You needn't have lied _quite_ so artistically, Letitia," I said, rather +hurt. + +"Isn't it quite true that I love you?" she asked lightly. "What an +ungrateful boy! So long as we have a good cook, what matters anything? I +began quite to enjoy my own romance. I felt like the Lady of Lyons, and +nearly told her about the horrid home to which you took me. I said that +the idea of a French cook was all mine. You had literally starved me, +because you have been brought up to think corned-beef and cabbage the +truest luxury." + +"I think it _most_ unnecessary, Letitia," I said emphatically, "to make +me out a boor--to paint me in such colors to a cook. I should never have +believed--" + +"I _had_ to put finishing touches," she declared. "Don't you see, +Archie, that it was important to follow up the gold plates with +something dramatic? What does it matter to you how she regards you? As +long as she is a good cook and behaves herself, surely you don't care +what she thinks of you. Moreover, though she _may_ look upon you as low, +she considers _me_ as a sort of Lady Clara Vere de Vere, most +aristocratic and well worth working for. Isn't that enough, Archie? Oh, +dear, I _wish_ I could induce you to be awfully coarse and disgusting, +before her! It would be such a help." + +I rose, and walked away, thoroughly put out. "You are carrying the joke +too far!" I said sullenly. + +"Oh, what a silly, sensitive boy it is!" she sighed. "And oh, how it +cares what even its cook thinks of it! I did all this for your sake, +Archie. You can imagine that I shouldn't select a low husband from +choice. I merely thought that it made the whole story hang together. +That's all. Of course, you can be yourself if you prefer it. Madame de +Lyrolle can always think that I am refining you, and that you are +gradually acquiring decency." + +"I won't have it, Letitia," I interrupted furiously; "I don't see the +fun. I positively refuse to be belittled in my own house." + +"Archie, you're almost too silly to kiss," she said, kissing me, "and I +don't think you deserve to be kissed, either. Here have I been cudgeling +my brains all day to devise means to retain a cook that will please you! +I have been bullied, and humiliated, and forced to lie, and falsify, and +perjure my soul. And, after I have been through it all, and emerged +safely on the other side, weak, but victorious, you sulk, +because--because--you don't see the fun! There _is_ no fun to see. +Nobody knows that better than I do. Come, sir, apologize at once, to +your lawful wife, or I shall immediately go and tell Madame that you are +of noble birth, and that I've been guying her--that you are really quite +obstreperously decent. Come, Archie, your apology, please." + +I was slightly mollified, but--"Remember, Letitia," I insisted, "I +decline to be low." + +She laughed tantalizingly. "You needn't be _too_ low," she said, "just a +little bit 'off' will do. Even if you only promise to tuck your +table-napkin under your chin and look greedy, I shall be satisfied. +Apologize to me, or off I trot to Madame--" and she rose to go. + +"Come back, Letitia," I cried. "You are really intolerable. I apologize. +I apologize. You're a martyr, and I--I--" + +"You're a respectable coal-heaver, dear," she said with malice and a +kiss. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + +"And they lived happily ever after!" If the advent of Madame de Lyrolle +had only been the cue for that sweet, old-fashioned culmination--that +dulcet, though generally inartistic surcease from trouble! But, of +course, it was not. My readers will probably say that sheer dramatic +justice cries out for our speedy chastisement. Alas! Sheer dramatic +justice did not have to cry long. It pursued us relentlessly, +raveningly. We were innocent as Pompeii confidingly couched beside the +dread Vesuvius. This is not the place to say that we deserved it. +Surely, if Letitia and I have made one solitary friend during the +progress of this "sad, eventful history," he, or she, will refrain from +the luxurious "I told you so!" + +I am not comparing Madame de Lyrolle to Vesuvius. No. I have never been +vicious, and I should scorn to do so rank an injustice to--Vesuvius! +There are methods of confounding, more subtile than that of a swift and +merciful eruption, methods that--er--"get there just the same." Alas! +Also, _misericordia_! + +Thanks to Letitia's iridescent mendacity, our household effects were no +longer bones of contention. Madame gracefully condescended to live with +us and be our cook, and Leonie, equally gracefully, deigned to support +the culinary star. They both persisted in regarding Letitia as a darling +of fortune, marred. And I was the marrer. Leonie, who waited upon us, +paid me but scant attention and looked upon me as of no consequence. If +I addressed her, she replied as to one of her own kind; in fact, it +occurred to me that I was considered as a wickedly lucky mortal, who, by +some freak of fate, had been plucked from a butler's life to desecrate +that of the husband of an American heiress. + +Madame asked for half her salary in advance. "We do not know you," +Letitia had said to her. The inference was that she, on the other hand, +did not know Letitia. She was not taking any risks. Although our gold +dishes were at Tarrytown, Madame cautiously decided to assure herself +that some of the metal of which the dishes were made remained in New +York. + +"Leonie is to do the marketing for Madame," said Letitia, on the morning +of the first day; "and I think that arrangement very satisfactory. I +have supplied her with money--more than she could possibly need, for I +did not want to seem 'close'--and at the end of the week we can go over +the accounts. It all seems delightful, doesn't it, dear?" + +It did, indeed, and our first dinner confirmed our sensation of +pleasure. There was no deception. We began with a _purée mongole_, and +proceeded with frogs _à la poulette_. Dainty little lamb chops, _à la +maintenon_, roast grass plovers, a salad that was nearly poetic, and a +delicious sweet, known as cream _renversée_, made us feel almost too +nice to be at home. As for the after-dinner coffee, it was--sepia +ecstasy. Perhaps we _were_ fastidious; undoubtedly the dear folks who +say that they revel in plain food delicately prepared in pure water, +will sniff at this program. Still, I should not like to set it before +them with any hopes of finding remnants. Those dear folks who love plain +food! The grapes are so sour! + +Leonie almost threw the food at me, but she served Letitia most +obsequiously. I was glad to see my little wife so well taken care of, +but I must admit that I made frantic efforts to redeem myself in the +handmaiden's sight. I tried to indicate, unostentatiously, education and +refinement. Weak I may be, but I hated to be regarded as a vulgarian. + +The maid was a great restraint upon us. There she stood at the back of +Letitia's chair like a Nemesis. We had to restrict our conversation to +glittering generalities. She drank in our words, unbudgingly. Her eyes +were riveted on Letitia's plate, and my wife was plied with food +unceasingly. I am sorry to say that _I_ had to ask for some more of the +cream _renversée_. In fact, I had to ask twice, before I got it, and +then it was pushed rather rudely before me. + +"It is like a dream," said Letitia purringly, when we were alone in the +drawing-room. "You see, nothing was over-stated in the advertisement. It +was all quite true." + +"I only wish we had a theater on, or a party to go to, or something to +do," I said longingly. "It seems wicked to sit still and read, after a +dinner like that. We ought to move--stir--walk." + +"Of course it _would_ be nicer," acquiesced Letitia. "That will come +later. I dare say that Madame will spur us to sociability." + +We sat, and read, and digested. Letitia seemed drowsy; I felt heavy, and +disinclined for exertion. The richness of our repast was undeniable. +Letitia's remark that it was like a dream was not irrelevant, but the +dream was a nightmare. A more awe-inspiring night I have never spent. I +dreamed that Gerda Lyberg was holding me down and throttling me, while +Mrs. Potzenheimer and Birdie Miriam McCaffrey did a cachucha apiece on +my body. I awoke, dripping with perspiration, to find Letitia +agitatedly pacing up and down the bedroom. + +"Nothing--nothing would induce me to go to sleep again, Archie," she +said excitedly. "Don't ask me to. I shall sit up for the rest of the +night. I dreamed that I went in the kitchen and found Madame de Lyrolle +boiling Olga Allallami's twins!" + +Breakfast was so elaborate that it made me late for the office. There +were eggs, _à la bonne femme_, and porgies, _à la Horly_. Madame had +also prepared pigs' feet with _sauce Robert_, which we were obliged to +refuse. In fact, most of the breakfast was left. There was enough for at +least ten people, each with a healthy appetite. But, as Letitia said, +nothing would be wasted. These French cooks understood the science of +economy. It was one of their finest points. + +The second dinner was an artistic continuation of the first. It +consisted of broiled trout, sweetbreads, and ptarmigan. Madame had made +pathetic inquiries about the wine-cellar, and Letitia, in humiliation, +had been forced to tell her that the wine-cellar was under the bed in +the spare-room. There we kept a few bottles of claret and a case of +champagne. We were not collectors. We knew very little about wines, and +did not belong to the class that discusses a vintage as though it were a +religion. Madame's artistic nature needed a stimulant, and Letitia told +her to take what she required. Owing to the location of the wine-cellar, +it called for no key. + +Our appetite was not as keen on this second occasion, though we did fair +justice to the bill of fare. It was most ridiculously generous. + +"It is a pity that we don't _know_ anybody," said Letitia +discontentedly; "it seems so greedy for us to sit down alone to such a +dinner. We should appreciate it so much more if we had company. Don't +you agree with me, dear? Positively, I feel gluttonous. I should enjoy +people sharing this with us. We might ask Aunt Julia, or Mrs. Archer, +or--" + +"Tamworth?" + +"Tamworth!" cried Letitia angrily. "No, Archie, that man shall never +enter this house again. If he came to dinner, Madame would surely have +triplets--or something horrible. Tamworth is unlucky. I look upon him as +responsible for Olga Allallami's--" + +"Letitia!" + +"You know what I mean. I associate him with our first knowledge of that +disaster, and--I shall hate him for ever. So don't suggest Tamworth. +No," she said querulously to Leonie, who was hovering over her with +cabinet pudding, _à la Sadi-Carnot_. "I can't really eat any sweets +to-night. I am sorry, because the pudding looks so nice. Perhaps it +will do for to-morrow." + +"Madame is joking," Leonie murmured deferentially. "The pudding would be +impossible to-morrow." + +Rather than sit still and read again, we went to a music-hall and walked +there! It was not the music-hall that we wanted, but the exertion of +getting to it. Anything rather than another series of nightmares. + +"Madame is certainly a wonder," said Letitia, as we listened to a +blatant comedian holding up the stage. "It is marvelous how these French +women can make a little money go a long way. Just think of the perpetual +surprises she offers us, and of her knowledge of the market. While her +wages are quite ridiculously high--I wouldn't dare to discuss the matter +with Aunt Julia--you will find that in the long run we shall not be out +of pocket, owing to the French system of economy." + +"The table is certainly most liberal," I remarked, "though nothing ever +seems to return. I noticed, dear, that at each meal we have something +new." + +"That is her art," said Letitia delightedly. "Constant surprise--that is +the maxim of the French cook. I forgot to say, dear, that I gave her +twenty-five dollars for kitchen utensils. She wanted _sautoires_ and +_casseroles_, and dozens of things we have never had. Of course, this +expense can never occur again. She laughed at our old tins, and declared +that they would ruin anything." + +The week passed uneventfully--unless we may consider our meals as +events. We lived on the "fat of the land" in bounteous doses, and +accepted it as our merited portion. Madame seemed to awaken from her +artistic lethargy, and once or twice her temperament surprised us. She +and Leonie waxed so lively in the kitchen that we were startled. Then +again, they seemed to quarrel rather vociferously. Letitia asserted that +she heard Madame exclaim on one occasion: "_Mon Dieu!_" but I could have +sworn that it was "Hully Jee!" It seemed absurd to mistake one for the +other. Probably I was wrong, though as Letitia was expecting French she +would be likely to imagine that she heard it. Why, however, should +Madame de Lyrolle of the Faubourg St. Germain, cry "Hully Jee"? Then we +realized that corks popped noisily and uncannily, and the inference +seemed unmistakable that either Leonie, or Madame, or both, had been +groping under the bed-wine-cellar. However, we did not mind that. The +artistic temperament yearns for an occasional vinous coaxing. + +Letitia talked persistently of the joy of surprise. That surprise is, +nevertheless, not inevitably joyous, was a fact rather rudely borne in +upon us. The day of reckoning came, and the "fat of the land" stared us +starkly in the face. The evening that I usually dedicate to the signing +of the tradesmen's checks arrived. We had dined particularly well, the +main feature of the dinner having been squabs. We ate two apiece, and +four were removed intact--mute testimony to the French system of +economy. + +"I can't think _how_ she does it!" Letitia had said, in ecstatic +appreciation. "We might really be millionaires." + +We might be, but we were not. Yet, I had no premonition of evil as I +nonchalantly took up the butcher's bill. When I saw it, I uttered an +exclamation, and Letitia came running to my side. We looked at it, and +rubbed our eyes. We looked again, and rubbed them some more. + +"It must be a mistake," Letitia said, paling. + +The figures were fat and solid. The amount set forth would have +maintained an ordinary family of seven or eight, in comfort, for a +month. A horrid sensation of bankruptcy overwhelmed me. Then I looked at +the grocer's bill. It was four pages long, and the "demnition total" +quite appalling. I could scarcely believe the testimony of my own eyes. +The gentleman who supplied the fish appeared to be equally rapacious. +Was it all a hateful conspiracy, a fell plot to effect my ruin, or--or +was it French economy? + +"We have eaten ourselves to the poorhouse, Letitia," I said, with a +sinking heart. "I--I can't pay these bills." + +"Oh, they must be somebody else's bills," murmured Letitia, "they--they +can't be ours." + +"They can't be anybody else's," I protested, in the calmness born of +despair. "Nobody could stand them. Rockefeller doesn't live in this +neighborhood. Carnegie is miles away. They _might_ be Carnegie's, if he +were a neighbor. As it is, my girl, I'm afraid they are ours. Yet how +_can_ they be?" + +"Of course we have lived well," said Letitia reflectively, "we have +lived _very_ well. We can't even put it down to waste, because French +people never waste." + +"And yet"--I tried to fathom the mystery--"there has always been three +times as much as we could eat. The other night, we had six ptarmigans +before us, and we ate one apiece. The inference is, Letitia, either that +Madame and Leonie have appetites like cart-horses, or that they throw +the things away." + +"A French cook throws nothing away," persisted Letitia almost defiantly. +"That I know." + +"You had better ask Madame about it," I said doggedly. "Perhaps she can +explain." + +"That is surely your privilege, Archie. You pay the bills; I don't." + +"Since you have told her that I am just a poor hanger-on, and that you +are the money end of the concern, the affair this time, my dear Letitia, +is yours." + +At present, I flattered myself I had scored one. Letitia had painted her +position so luminously, and had etched me in in such somber tints, that +I felt master of the situation. Perhaps it was cowardly, but as I had +the name I might as well have the game. Although I had said little about +the contemptuous treatment I had received from Leonie during the past +week, I had felt it acutely. Like the Spartan boy, I had suffered in +silence. Being American, and not even a little bit Spartan, this had +been difficult. + +Letitia was weeping silently, and I felt like a double-distilled brute. +"I hate to talk to an artist in that way," she said sorrowfully. "Her +temperament will be shocked. You can well imagine, Archie, that such a +woman will simply despise us." + +"But where's the French system of economy?" I asked wildly. "Where's the +_pot au feu_ with the delicious soup, and the daintily served meat? You +said that rats would starve on the refuse from a French kitchen. Why, +according to these bills, the refuse from ours would have fattened the +entire menagerie at Central Park and the Bronx, including the elephants, +tigers and bears." + +"Now you're exaggerating," asserted Letitia plaintively; "you're making +things out worse than they are. You're--" + +I could not afford to argue. Facts stared me in the face. I had a small +balance at the bank, which I should over-draw if I made out checks for +these bills. The savings I had accumulated were drawing interest in the +growing but by no means adult publishing house of Tamworth and Fairfax. +I could borrow from Tamworth, of course, this week, but next week loomed +up hideously as a sheer impossibility. Something must be done at once. + +I rang the bell. "We must talk it over with Madame," I said desperately. + +The kitchen, some distance away from the drawing-room, seemed strangely +close. We could hear Madame and Leonie laughing weirdly, and though we +both of us liked merry moods, this particular brand of mirth grated. +There was a pause after my ring. Then Leonie appeared, wiping her mouth, +and I told her that I wished to see her aunt. + +"I--I think--she's gone to bed," the maid remarked, after a reluctant +moment. + +"Why, I just heard her laughing," said Letitia, surprised. "Send her in +at once, Leonie." And as the maid departed, Letitia added: "She may be +unprepared for the drawing-room." + +This was undoubtedly true. Madame came in a moment later, also wiping +her mouth, and with her face wreathed in smiles. Her hair was disheveled +and her dress disordered. She might have been rolling on the floor. Her +look was so strange, her gait so unsteady, that Letitia instinctively +clutched my arm. Thereupon, Madame de Lyrolle fell promptly over the +tiger-head, and--unlike many who had suffered a similar fate--she lay +there, laughing hilariously. + +"And me a lady, too!" she exclaimed, pealing with mirth. + +Outside the room stood Leonie, apparently deeply agitated. As she saw +her star prone on the best rug, and heard the bacchanalian laughter +stertorously proceeding from her lips, she entered hastily and +approached her relative. Letitia still held my arm in a grip, and my own +emotions were--well, mixed. + +"Oh, come away, Aunt Delia," pleaded Leonie; "come away. She's not +feeling good to-night"--turning to Letitia--"she's had toothache, and +swallowed some of the whisky that she took to ease the pain. It must +have gone to her head. Oh, Aunt Delia, get up. That ain't no position +for a lady." + +Leonie burst into tears. The position was too much for her, especially +as Aunt Delia gave unmistakable indications of a fondness for red +garters with saucy bows on them! + +"Why do you call her Aunt Delia?" asked Letitia sternly, evidently in +the belief that the Faubourg St. Germain had no dealings with Delias. + +"Because it's her name," replied Leonie sullenly. "That's what I call +her. She was Delia O'Shaughnessy before she married that blooming old +French chef on the French ocean steamer--blessed if I don't forget its +name. She's always Aunt Delia O'Shaughnessy to me." + +Letitia covered her face with her hands. Madame O'Shaughnessy de Lyrolle +began to kick until the bows on her garters fluttered. Still she +laughed, loudly, shockingly, unendingly. + +"Was she ever in France?" I asked, mortally pained. + +"Not on your tintype!" declared the maid in disgraceful colloquialism, +as she advanced to the tiger-head and tried to raise Aunt Delia's two +hundred pounds. "New York's good enough for Aunt Delia; ain't it, +Auntie? She in France! And with that husband! Nobody would want to go to +a country that turned out specimens like that. But he taught Aunt Delia +how to cook--coached her for years--and don't you forget it. She got +that much out of him." + +"Now I understand her extravagance," cried Letitia, as though suddenly +enlightened. "Now I see it all. He was a cook on some ocean greyhound, +and she--" + +"Extravagant!" cried Leonie insolently; "I like that. Aunt Delia has +cooked for the best people in this country. She has never _yet_ hired +herself out to cheap skates. Say, Aunt Delia"--frantically endeavoring +to pierce that lady's dulled comprehension--"they're complaining. We're +extravagant. They want good things, but they hate to pay for 'em. They +eat like pigs, and then kick at the bills." + +"Come away, Letitia," I said nervously. "You go to your room, and I'll +see to this." + +"I will not leave you, Archie," she declared, though she was trembling; +"I--I'm not afraid." + +"Won't either of you help me up with me aunt?" Leonie asked, her anger +rising and an unsteadiness of gait, similar to that of the good lady on +the tiger-head, manifesting itself. "Call yourselves human beings? +Standing there and letting a lady suffer like this! You and your gold +plates!" (tugging at Aunt Delia). "You and your rich Tarrytown aunt!" +(pulling down Aunt Delia's refractory dress). "I don't believe it. I +don't believe your stories. We've got our money, anyway, and you can +fish--fish--fish!" + +With each "fish" Aunt Delia raised her limbs, and her dutiful niece +pressed them discreetly down. Madame O'Lyrolle de Shaughnessy still +continued her ebullition of laughter. She was deaf to her niece's +entreaties. She had certainly come to stay, and the tiger-head appeared +to suit her artistic tastes. + +"You will have to call in a policeman, Archie," said Letitia, in a low +voice. + +Whether it was the innate sympathy of anything O'Shaughnessy for New +York's finest, or whether Letitia's words acted as a stimulant to the +lady's artistic temperament, we shall never know, but at the mere +utterance of the word "policeman" Aunt Delia decided to quit her +recumbent position, and with a look of offended dignity, and Leonie's +assistance, she rose to her feet. + +"I'd like to see the po-lees-man who'd touch me," she said in deep +contralto tones, with a lost chord in them. "Me for me bedstead, Leonie, +old gal. Come, give us a hand." Then, with a solemnity that some people +might consider humorous, she added, turning to Letitia: "Leonie's a +good girl, and a comfort--hic--to her old aunt. Sorry to trouble you. +Don't mention it. It's a pleasure. As my husband used to say--hang +him!--'_Pas de quoi. A votre service._' Well, we'll go now, and thank +you. So long, for a little while!" + +Leonie, with an expression of spite on her face that was almost +withering, led away the Faubourg St. Germain's caterer. The fumes of +wine filled the room and I threw open the windows, heaving a sigh of +enjoyment as the fresh air reached us. Letitia's bravery appealed to me, +and I complimented her upon her plucky behavior. The reaction had now +set in and she was shivering apprehensively. + +"I don't think I can stand any more of this, Archie," she said weakly. +"I--I've reached the limit. This scene was too degrading--too +abject--too incredibly vulgar!" + +"They must leave the house in the morning!" + +"In the morning!" she cried, aghast. "Why not now? I shouldn't feel safe +sleeping with them in the house. They might murder us, or each other." + +"They won't murder us, dear," I said soothingly, "and if they choose to +murder each other--" + +"The scandal would be too horrible. Archie, let us implore them to go +now. Let us offer them money to leave at once." + +"Money!" I said bitterly. "I'm not made of it, my girl. I certainly +can't pay them to get out after having given them so much to come in. +They won't hurt us, you silly child. They are just a trifle +intoxicated." + +"A _trifle_ intoxicated! How can you say such a thing? Oh, those red +garters--those terrible red garters--those bows--will be for ever in my +mind. I can never--never--look a red garter in the face again. A trifle +intoxicated! Why, it is in conditions like this that the worst crimes +are committed. Let us take the midnight train to Tarrytown." + +"And leave them here to complete our ruin! No, Letitia. You have been a +brave girl throughout this episode. Just be brave for a bit longer. +To-morrow we shall see things differently. These women will sleep +quietly, and so shall we." + +"I shan't. I couldn't to save my life. I should see red garters and +those awful odious legs. I should hear that laughter. I can't forget it. +O'Shaughnessy! Just think of it--the very name that I loathe, too. Aunt +Delia! Isn't it wicked, Archie? Isn't it cruel? Ha! ha! ha! ha! Oh, I +can't stand it. Ha! ha! ha! ha!" + +Letitia was in hysterics before I realized it. In alarm, I ran to the +dining-room and mixed her a glass of bromo-seltzer, and then ran back +and stood over her until she had drunk it. As she grew calmer and an +ominous repose took the place of the hysteria, I implored her to try and +forget everything until the morning, when these events would seem less +awe-inspiring. The riot in the kitchen had ceased. A sound of deep +contralto snoring, accompanied by similar music in a tone more treble, +was all that we heard. Aunt Delia was evidently sleeping the sleep of +the Faubourg St. Germain, while Leonie was still supporting her star. + +Nevertheless, I locked our door, and Letitia pushed the bureau against +it. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + + +Our enthusiasm for the alleged joys of an alleged New York home was now +decidedly on the wane, and we were face to face with the problem that +New Yorkers are strenuously trying to solve: how to live in apparent +decency without one. We did not dare, just at present, to do more than +reflect upon the intricacies of the enigma. We were, however, +disillusioned. The old order of things, to which we still clung, had +gone out of fashion, and we began to realize it. + +Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle (_née_ O'Shaughnessy) and her niece left us +next day, with the reluctant aid of the police. Their awakening was not +that repentant return to the normal condition that we had confidently +expected. Madame's temperament was evidently not addicted to remorse. +She was inclined to be violent in the morning, and we were roused by the +noise of a hand-to-hand conflict between our hired ladies, in which the +finger-nails of each seemed to play leading rôles. So I was obliged to +telephone for a policeman, who (being named Doherty) seemed a trifle +uncertain whether he had been called in to remove Letitia and myself or +the Irish Gauls. Apparently he thought that we deserved his attention +more picturesquely than they did. A sort of masonic sympathy established +itself between Mr. Doherty and Mrs. O'Shaughnessy. Letitia and I felt +almost _de trop_--as though we were spoiling sport or playing +gooseberry. I managed to intimate to Mr. Doherty, however, that though +American, I was still master in my own house. In due course, the +policeman and the ladies left. In spite of the distasteful memory of +Monsieur Hyacinthe de Lyrolle, I fancy that the _chère_ Madame was not +utterly disgusted with the sex to which he belonged. + +The ensuing week was principally devoted to unexpected payments for +unexpected things debited to my account by Madame Hyacinthe. Some +philosophic people declare that it is a pleasure to pay for what one has +had and enjoyed. That may be true. I will not argue the question. I +assert, however, that it is difficult to find pleasure in paying for +what one has never had, and that somebody else has enjoyed. An adjacent +ice-cream parlor sent me in a large bill for ice-cream sodas that had +been served in my apartment, at the rate of two or three times a day, +during the sojourn of the French ladies. A drug store plied me with an +account for various items, the advantages of which we had never reaped. +For ten days I was busy settling up. It was the "joy of surprise" with a +vengeance. Madame had thoughtlessly omitted to clothe herself at my +expense. A few tailor-made gowns and ruffled silk petticoats would have +added to the joyous revelations. + +"When I read," said Letitia, "of the silly New York women who don't know +what a home means, and who offer prizes to servants who keep their +places, my blood boils. Prizes to servants who keep their places! The +prizes should go to the poor housekeepers who are able to overcome their +sense of repugnance sufficiently to admit these creatures into their +houses, and keep them there." + +"The women who talk most about the servant question, my dear," I said +sententiously, "are the over-dressed, underfed matrons you see at the +lobster palaces, who live on one meal a day, which they take at a +restaurant, and spend their mornings in curl-papers and wrappers." + +"What I can't understand," resumed Letitia reflectively, "is the total +disappearance of what we read about as the dignity of labor. Surely, +Archie, it has a dignity. Some people must work for the benefit of +others. If everybody had to dust, and sweep, and sew, and cook for +herself, what would become of all the graces of life, of literature, +art, music? I don't see anything so disgraceful in housework. We can't +all be equal, can we--except in theory? Why, when you see two people +together for just five minutes, you can note the superiority of the one, +and the inferiority of the other." + +I had no desire to be dragged into an economic discussion. My mind was +not in a condition serene enough to grapple with it. I had just paid out +nearly eleven dollars to the ice-cream and candy purveyor who had +surreptitiously cooled Madame de Lyrolle's "innards." + +"I suppose," continued Letitia, "that the reason New York women look so +much nicer than they are is that the poor things have no time to do +anything for their own mental refinement. They must eat like paupers, +live like laborers' wives, and rely for their only pleasure upon clothes +and a nocturnal restaurant. Then they slink back to their joyless 'home' +and go to a bed that they have, themselves, made." + +"Poor souls!" I sighed. + +"You can't blame them for lack of conversational power," said Letitia, +"or for want of internal resources. They can't even have children in +comfort. Mrs. Archer told me that when she was first married she was so +busy, and so uncomfortable, and so pressed for room, and always without +a cook, that she literally had no time to have children. She wanted a +little boy, but put off having him until she got a good cook. And as she +never obtained the good cook, she felt that she had no right to make a +poor little boy unhappy." + +"Mrs. Archer talks nonsense," I remarked rather severely (I felt it my +duty to be severe on this occasion). + +"I don't see it at all. The comforts of home are even more necessary in +case of children. These wretched creatures who masquerade as servants +and who detest you simply because you employ them--and for no other +reason--are menaces to safety. Imagine children around with the +inebriated, incompetent drudges we have had--" + +Poor Letitia was talking "race suicide" with a vengeance, and I was not +inclined to pursue the subject. Cook as an exterminator of the human +species seemed too glittering a novelty. Yet there was much common sense +in what my level-headed little wife said. + +"Cook is a tragedy, my girl," I admitted. "The world has had servants +for centuries, and the world has progressed. Now that the end of the old +régime is at hand and the cook has turned, I can't fancy that the world +will be routed. Something new will be discovered, and cook can hang +herself. The world must fight its own battles. It is up to the world, +and you and I are just atoms." + +"Call yourself an atom, if you like, Archie," she said, quite hurt, "but +leave me out of it. I hate always being looked upon as an atom and I +can't endure scientists. Even if we _are_ very petty and unimportant and +mere cogs in the wheel, we don't realize it. And if we did realize it, +then we should just submit quietly to be ground down and pulverized. I +won't be pulverized just yet. And all on account of cook, too!" + +But there was no doubt at all about it. Our enthusiasm was waning, and +though we still decided to play the farce for a time longer, our effort +was half-hearted. We realized the gaunt impossibility of the thing. We +studied the life that was lived around us--the bleak, inhospitable holes +that apparently refined people called home; nooks with chairs and tables +in them, ornate, and decorated, but devoid of the subtile quality known +as atmosphere; crannies where the married he and she hid their +discomforts, and turned a brave front to the world; cold and dismal +recesses where the casual visitor was offered a glass of ice-water, and +where old-fashioned hospitality was as dead as a doornail; houses, in +which, except on state occasions and amid sickening ceremony, bread was +never broken, and conviviality unknown; barren kennels, unkempt cages, +stark nests, cheerless dormitories! Home, in New York, had gone to the +dogs, impelled thither by cook! + +"Last week," said Letitia, "Mrs. Archer gave a reception. She hired two +colored girls and one man for the occasion. There was a whole line of +carriages in the street. It was a very nice affair. Mrs. Archer received +her guests in a lovely blue silk dress. There were sandwiches tied up +with ribbons, delicious _paté de foie gras_, _bouillon en tasse_, ices, +champagne, and all the rest of it. There was music and altogether a most +pleasing time. We all enjoyed it immensely. Two days later I dropped +into Mrs. Archer's in the afternoon. I was dead tired--almost fainting +for a cup of tea. I found her in a dirty cotton wrapper, dusting the +pictures, and looking odious. I hinted for tea, but it was no good. She +had no servant. At last, in desperation, I asked for a sip of water, and +she ran and brought it for me--in a teacup!" + +"A cup of tea is certainly not too much to expect," I murmured +meditatively. + +"The poorest artisan's wife, with seventeen children, and three rooms, +could afford a cup of tea," declared Letitia, in pained tones; "but a +cup of tea suggests home, you know. Hospitality suggests home. People +here have lost the knack of it. These bedizened Jezebels of the +intelligence offices have smashed the idea to pieces. One has to set a +day for the visitor, and prepare for it two weeks beforehand." + +"It must be true," I declared. "People don't drop in to dinner +nowadays." + +"They can't, because the host and the hostess drop out--to dinner." + +It seemed impossible to realize that not so very long ago both Letitia +and I had scoffed at the mere idea of the existence of such a thing as +the servant question. We had disdained to admit it. We had shut our +eyes, and cook had knocked us in the face. We were now as gods knowing +good and evil, with more of the latter than the former. Our skittish +lives were embittered. The beginning of the end had set in, and the +prelude was being played. + +Yet we frivoled with a cook or two more. Nobody could possibly accuse us +of cowardice. Some may say that we were silly (and to these I simply +remark: prove it); but cowardly, we were not. We distinctly warded off +the time of surrender. We fought to the last finish, until our +cook-mangled bodies gave out in sheer inability to cope with the +enigma. + +We secured the aid of an ancient lady, who had first breathed the breath +of life in Ireland--a country, by-the-by, that talks eloquently of home +rule, and yet kindly sends all its cooks over here. However, Ireland's +bitterest foes could wish it no worse fate than the sort of home rule +that its own cook-ladies administer. + +Mrs. O'Toole was sixty years old. She had been a cook, she informed us, +for thirty-five years. That time she had apparently devoted to the art +of learning how to learn nothing. All she could do was to stew prunes. +It had taken her thirty-five years to acquire the knack. I could have +stewed the universe in less time. She was most amiable, but had never +heard of the most ordinary dishes that the most ordinary people affect. +Like Mistress Anna Carter, she had infinite belief in the delicatessen +curse--in the cooked-up rubbish that unfortunates throw down their +luckless throats--in the instinct that prompts savages to eat earth. + +We called in Aunt Julia (poor Aunt Julia! I don't hate her nearly as +much now!), in the hope that she might be able to teach Mrs. O'Toole a +few rudimentary things, and as cook seemed so affable, we reasoned that +she would probably be very glad to learn. But, bless your heart, Mrs. +O'Toole had a soul above the sordid question of acquiring culinary +knowledge. Aunt Julia cooked and Mrs. O'Toole let her cook! + +"If you will just watch me, Mrs. O'Toole," said Aunt Julia politely, +"I'm sure you will be able to make this dish to-morrow." + +The cook-lady laughed in sheer light-heartedness. "Sure, mum," she said, +"I've been thirty-five years without knowing how to make it, and I'm +still alive. I've buried a husband and seven children, and have had a +good time without all them new-fangled notions." + +It was hopeless. Mrs. O'Toole hummed _The Wearing o' the Green_ for the +sake of her nationality, and took out her knitting. She was most +good-tempered and pleasant about it, but she had no yearning to learn +how to cook. Yet she must have had a ferociously arduous time in +learning how _not_ to cook. She was charmingly familiar with us both--a +real good soul with a rooted objection to the kitchen. + +"Yet some of these silly Guilds," said Letitia, "announce that they are +going to teach women how to cook. How can they teach women who won't +learn? My opinion is that the Guilds would have much quicker pupils if +they promised to teach them how to loop the loop." + +Mrs. O'Toole was so jovial that I could almost see her looping the loop +at Coney Island, and hear her emitting shrieks of Hibernian jollity as +she hung head downward in that delightful institution. But I could +not--and did not--see her cooking a dinner and laying a table. + +She went with as much good humor as she came. We kept her in our midst +for a month, not because we wanted her for culinary purposes, but +because she seemed able to sit in the kitchen, while we went out to +dinner. She was both sober and honest, and had probably generally spent +an innocuous month in every place. During a service of thirty-five years +she must have graced four hundred and twenty places. Admitting, at a low +average, three people to each household, she had therefore catered to +twelve hundred and sixty appetites! It was an inspiring thought. + +Mrs. O'Toole's successor was an English lassie. At another time, our +spirits would have risen at the prospect of an Albionite--a disciple of +a country where servants still exist to some extent. As it was, we were +so thoroughly discouraged that we had no illusions--which was just as +well, as it spared us the annoyance of having them shattered. Katie +Smith had been in the country but three days, but the rapid pace at +which she had Americanized was the subtlest sort of compliment to New +York City. + +There was very little that was typically English about her, save a +picturesque h-lessness. In return for lost h's she had nothing to offer. +Of course, the lack of h's would not have bothered us in the least. Miss +Smith was very frank. She had gone wrong "at 'ome," and had been shipped +here by her relatives. It was assumed that here she would "go right." We +had no objections whatever to her past. Little cared we, in our +desperation, for such trivialities as a past. We asked no questions, and +were not curious as to her crime. Any old crime would suit us--as long +as the criminal herself would let us live in peace. + +Miss Smith told us--still archly candid--that she had decided to become +a cook, because, immediately on landing, she had been told that +Americans were in such dire straits for cooks. + +"And have you ever been a cook?" asked Letitia kindly. + +"Oh, never," she replied indignantly, in a perish-the-thought tone, "I +was a factory lady in the pen establishment of Messrs. M. Myers and Son, +of Birmingham. Me a cook! Not I. But, of course, in this country, I +don't think I shall mind it, as the wages are high." + +Months ago, we should have politely indicated the exact location of the +door. Now, we were battered and pulpy, and remonstrance seemed absurd. +Again we sent for Aunt Julia (on second consideration, I really like +Aunt Julia!) and introduced her to the latest specimen of the genus +"clean slate." + +My heart, at first, "kind of" went out to Katie Smith, because she had +made pens, which are so necessary to me. But Letitia remarked, rather +brusquely, that pens are not puddings, and that although they were _my_ +bread-and-butter, she had no desire to eat them with hers. I am bound to +say that Letitia's moods were becoming most variable. They were as +unreliable as April weather. I suppose that the constant surprise was +rather wearing on the poor girl. + +Miss Smith's career was so short that I might almost call it +instantaneous. After having cooked us one alleged dinner, which tasted +very much as pens _au gratin_ might possibly taste, she asked Letitia if +she might go into the garden, to get the air. + +Letitia thought that she was joking. The garden! Perhaps, like the +wine-cellar, it was under the bed in the spare room. Letitia laughed, +but Miss Smith was serious. + +"I couldn't stay in no place where there wasn't no garding," she said. +"My! Ain't you cramped up for room, with a kitchen like a blooming +cubby-'ole, and all the places so 'ot that one can't breathe. And no +garding! What do you do to get the air?" + +"You can put on your things and go for a walk, Katie," said Letitia +good-naturedly. "Some of the girls in the house get the air, as you call +it, on the roof. Would you like to go up on the roof?" + +Miss Smith was much amused. "Crikey!" she cried, "me on the roof! No, +thank you, mum. I should get giddy, and that wouldn't do. I'm sorry, +Mrs. Fairfax, but I must 'ave a garding, for the sake of me 'ealth. +There must be a place where I can stroll of an evening." + +So Albion's little lassie left us, and we wired to poor Aunt Julia to +tell her that she need not bother to come as there was nothing to come +for. We were not more dejected than usual, for we had lost hope, and had +ceased to garner expectations. + +"Perhaps if I asked our landlord to knock down a few of his houses and +plant a garden, we might induce Katie to stay," I suggested sardonically +to Letitia. "He owns three or four houses on this block. A very nice +garden could be made. I wonder if she would like an old rose garden or +if she would be satisfied with any old garden? He might even put in an +orchard for her." + +Letitia sighed. "Yes, dear," she said. "I feel I ought to laugh at your +humor, but you'll forgive me, Archie, won't you, if I fail to discover +its value? Katie was really not a bad sort, and it is annoying to think +that just because we hadn't a garden--" + +"But she couldn't cook, my girl!" + +"Of course she couldn't _cook_. You expect too much, Archie. If she had +known how to cook she wouldn't have applied for the position. But she +knew how to open the front door, and yesterday, when I asked her to +bring me a glass of water, she was able to draw it for me. That, it +seems to me, is quite an accomplishment for a New York domestic." + +One other attempt we made to stem the tide. Mrs. Archer, who sympathized +sincerely with our plight and had grown accustomed to her own, which was +similar, had heard of a nice fat orphan from an orphan asylum, who had +taken the notion to "live out." (The expression "taking the notion" +belongs exclusively to the New York hired lady. It symbolizes her state +of mind as new ideas dawn upon it.) So we let in the nice fat orphan, +and put her in the kitchen. She was a simple, unsophisticated thing, who +had been rigidly educated in an excellent Roman Catholic institution, in +blissful ignorance of the world in which she was expected to earn her +living later. + +She burst out sobbing when she saw the lonely kitchen, and refused to be +comforted. She had always had young girls around her, she said, and had +never been separated from orphans. Letitia told her that she was an +orphan, and--as an extra inducement--that I was an orphan. The girl +looked at her in blank incredulity and with an expression of dismay. Her +idea of orphans was a crowd of little girls in uniform, marching around, +two by two. She could not do without this. She had never done without +it. She cried so bitterly, that Letitia was touched. + +"Poor thing!" she said gently, as she told the story to me, "I only wish +we knew some nice young orphans, Archie, to sit in the kitchen with her. +But, of course, we don't. It really grieves me." + +Letitia irritated me. How _could_ she be gentle, and kind, and tender, +confronted with all these wretched subterfuges and false pretenses? + +"I might go out and kill a few gentlemen and ladies," I suggested +savagely; "and ask their orphans to play with this girl. It is the only +way out of the difficulty. Really, Letitia, you are getting quite +childish. I have no patience--" + +"That is quite true, dear. You certainly have no patience. This girl is +most respectable. She is too young to drink, too religious to steal, +too friendless to roam around--" + +"Too idiotic to be useful--" + +"In time, she might be useful," Letitia asserted, though with doubt in +her voice. "She is an innocent little thing and I feel sorry for her. I +can't help it; I do. She is so helpless! She doesn't even know her +surname. She calls herself Rachel, pure and simple. She is not sure how +old she is. I hate to let her go, Archie." + +"You needn't mind it in the least," I said; "she can walk right out of +this house and get any position she wants. She can call herself a +first-class cook and people will be glad to get her. When she sees that +there are no orphans attached to the ordinary kitchen, she will accustom +herself to the idea. You need have no scruples, Letitia. It is the poor +devils of men who deserve sympathy in New York. If a woman suffers, it +is because she is lazy and worthless." + +"How hard-hearted you are!" + +"No, I'm not. Never will I give a cent in charity to any begging woman. +It is the men who have a hard time in this city. They can have any help +that I am able to give them. But to the women I say merely: Learn how to +do housework. Take a lesson or two in cooking. Study the home, and you +can get good, comfortable positions as long as you want them! Any woman, +begging in the New York streets, while thousands of unfortunate people +clamor to give them good wages, should be arrested as a useless +encumbrance. Those are my sentiments." + +"I dare say you are right, Archie," said Letitia, evidently impressed by +my fiery eloquence, which bubbled forth, almost unpunctuated. "It seems +to me that most of these women would sooner roam the streets in rags, +and herd together in tenement houses like cattle, than do the work for +which they should be fitted. It is wonderful." + +"Not wonderful," I said, "but deplorable. It is the spirit of +independence gone wrong--turned against itself--pushed in a painful +direction, like an ingrowing toe-nail. A system of education that +educates in the letter and not in the spirit, is responsible. The +mistaken idea of universal equality is the root of the evil. Shakespeare +was no better than the man who blacked his boots; Goethe no bit superior +to the women who cooked his hash. Delicate truths like this are +instilled into the minds of the people. Silly socialistic men and women +who have no use for either the comforts or refinements of life, are the +criminals. Idle people who want to turn epigrams find this a fertile +theme. Why, Letitia, do you remember when we went to see _Candida_ the +other night, we noticed that even a man like Bernard Shaw was not averse +from making one of his characters inveigh against the crime of keeping +servants? It was Morell, I think, who was indignant that the young +poet's father kept so many servants. 'Anyhow, when there's anything +coarse-grained to be done,' he said, 'you ring the bell, and throw it on +to somebody else. That's one of the great facts in your existence.' A +man like Shaw, who lives in refinement, with a delightful home, +neat-handed servants, a charming wife, and all the rest of it, can not +resist the opportunity to hammer at a scheme that he must know is +absolutely necessary." + +"You will talk yourself hoarse, dear," said Letitia. "Of course, Archie, +it is a showy theme. People who use it can always be sure of making a +hit with the gallery. Teaching equality is delightful entertainment for +those who could never possibly be equal--who are literally born unequal. +Why, Archie, some people, through no fault of their own, are born +idiots. How could they possibly be equal to those who were not so born?" + +"In the meantime," I continued, "those who are born idiots avenge +themselves on society by going out as cooks. It is their little scheme +for getting even with the world. This has given cooks a bad name. Nobody +cares to be in the same class as the idiot." + +"I'm only sorry," murmured poor Letitia, "that I learned Latin instead +of cooking." + +"But my girl," I said soothingly, "I did not intend to marry a cook, and +I would not have you changed in one single particular." + +She kissed me. "Just the same," she went on, "I'm sorry. It is an art. +There are the arts of Cooking, and Higher Cooking, and Scientific +Cooking, that are gastronomies worthy of study. I realize that, now it +is too late. Willingly would I substitute Brillat-Savarin for Ovid, if I +only could! It is unfortunate." + +"My dear," I said, and I drew her to my knee to break the news as easily +as possible, "we have come to the end of our tether. As the children say +when they have finished playing, we must 'bosh up.' We must make the +best of a bad job, and, living in New York, do as New Yorkers do. In +fact, our housekeeping must end." + +"Oh, Archie!" she cried, her eyes filling with tears; "do you--do you +really mean it?" + +I bowed my head. It was inevitable. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + + +Letitia sat on an empty barrel in the carpetless drawing-room; there was +desolation in her heart, chaos in mine; the tragedy of finality in the +atmosphere. Strange men in linen overalls, ponderous boots, and crackly +voices, creaked around, blithely disrespectful and lugubriously +light-hearted. They whistled. One was named Jim; a second, Sam; a third, +Joe. They had no surnames and needed none. They had come to put our poor +little hollow mockery of a home into the New York receiving vault of all +domestic remains known as the "storage warehouse." + +Sometimes they sang, as their work of devastation proceeded. They were +merry souls. Occasionally they suggested the flowing bowl as an +incentive to higher effort. Every day they took the corpses of homes +that had succumbed to the "storage warehouse," and their sentiment was +dead. Homes died so quickly in New York; their hold upon life was so +frail; their assertive powers so numbed; their prospects of longevity so +pitifully small! + +If New York furniture could think, its reflections would busy +themselves with that time of passive pension and surcease from dusting, +in the storage warehouse! If tables and chairs could speak, what would +they not say of a fate that nipped them in their very bud and shipped +them off, in arrested development, to a long vacation? + +Letitia sat on the empty barrel, a veritable picture of woe. Her dress +was bedraggled and her hair unkempt. She had a smut on the end of her +nose and it did not worry her. It was one of those smuts that it was +quite impossible to overlook--large, black, and deep, intimating that it +would spread, if touched. Her eyes were fixed upon Jim, and Sam, and +Joe. She saw them through the dust, darkly. "Patience on a monument," +could have taught my poor Letitia many useful things! + +"_If_ you please, mum," said Jim, pausing in a cheery rendition of +_Laughing Water_ to confront Letitia; "I'll just start packing the china +in that barrel, if you'll kindly get down. Sorry to disturb you, mum, +but we'll try and get it done before we go to lunch." + +Lunch! Letitia shuddered, but she jumped from the barrel. +Sympathetically, I appreciated her feelings. The word lunch sounded so +dismally cruel. These men could eat horrid, stout, meat sandwiches and +drink stupefying beer in the very midst of preparing us for the storage +warehouse! This lunch seemed more of an outrage upon respectable +sentiment than did the medical man's snack between the acts of a +_post-mortem_ examination. + +Letitia was dry-eyed until they took up the tiger-head, over which we +had fallen at so many merry, unexpected moments, and began to fold it +up. Then she burst into tears and ran into the dining-room, where I +followed her, slowly, and mournfully. + +"Don't, Letitia," I said, feeling ridiculously oppressed. "Why should we +mind? New Yorkers don't think anything of all this. They rather like it. +They look upon it as emancipation from care and worry. Don't cry, my +girl. See, let me wipe that smut from your nose." + +"No, you s-shan't," she sobbed, warding me off. "If I ch-choose to be +s-smutty, I--I w-will be s-smutty." + +I sat down and beat a nervous tattoo on the last table that had the last +cloth upon it. The last cruet, containing the last vinegar, and the last +mustard stood on this last table that had the last cloth upon it. I +allowed Letitia to have her cry out. When she had finished and had dried +her eyes, the smut had expanded to such an extent that portions of it +were smeared upon her cheeks, chin, and lips. Under the circumstances, +there was bathos amid the poor girl's pathos! + +"I can't realize it, Archie," she said funereally, when her equanimity +was restored. "I can't grasp the fact that this is really the end, and +that to-night--to-night, my poor boy--we shall be lodged in a family +hotel, so-called, I suppose, because none of the guests have families +and the proprietor wouldn't take them in if they had!" + +"I dare say, dear, we shall be very comfortable." + +"Parlor and bedroom elegantly furnished; bath; generous _cuisine_; fine +music; view of Central Park and Hudson River! I have learned it all by +heart. Nothing of it belongs to us, Archie. It is the sort of thing one +looks at for two weeks in Paris, or Rome, or Berlin, but to regard it as +permanent is too dreadful. And the starchy, artificial women strutting +into the dining-room, wearing all the clothes they can get on to their +backs, with their cheerless husbands in tow, eating the dinners that +they haven't ordered and grumbling about them; then, trotting away from +the dining-room, back to their silent rooms, there to wait until it is +bedtime." + +"You can't possibly know, Letitia," I said, "as you've never lived in +one of these places. You are morbid, and a bit unreasonable." + +"Oh, I've met people who _have_ lived in them," she retorted, "and who +have liked it. They had nothing to worry about and nothing even to think +about--except how to kill time. A friend of Mrs. Archer's told me that +the favorite topic of conversation was the food. Was the meat of the +best quality? Were the vegetables fresh or canned? Was the table as +bountiful this season as last? Most of the people, it seems, grow tired +of the food and go to other restaurants in despair." + +She paused, racking her brain for more torments and apparently taking a +keen pleasure in torturing herself. Yet we both knew that it was +inevitable. We had discussed the matter into shreds and argued it into +tatters. Still, there was a sort of luxury in this grief. + +"I can see myself a year hence," she went on contemptuously, "going to +flashy restaurants with you, and--perhaps, Archie, stealing spoons and +forks, and bringing them home--I say 'home' but I mean 'family +hotel'--as souvenirs. Mrs. Archer told me that all these women do that. +I think it loathsome and detestable, now, but I dare say that I shall be +exactly like the other women, as I am going to live in exactly the same +way, for exactly the same reason." + +"You will never descend to that, my girl," I said solemnly. + +"How do you know?" she asked perversely. "I dare say we shall be so +frantic for something to do that we shall look upon this kind of petty +theft as sport--just as some people regard fishing. Of course, we shall. +I imagine I shall feel proud of myself if I have successfully sneaked a +sugar-bowl, and I can picture your joy at landing a silver soup-tureen! +Oh, it will be exciting. We shall come to it; see if we don't." + +"Please--please don't talk in that way, Letitia. Yesterday you were +quite resigned and even happy. I can't bear to see you in this mood. We +both agreed that the family hotel was the only hope. We were driven to +it--absolutely impelled to it. I think it is the packing that is +upsetting you." + +"Sorry to trouble you," said Joe, poking his head in at the door; "we've +finished the parlor, and are now going to start on this room. We've left +two chairs in the parlor for you to sit on. Sorry to trouble you." + +Poor Letitia gave way again, as she saw our little "drawing-room" +completely denuded. Nothing was left. Gone were the pictures, the +ornaments, the tiger-head, the Indian cabinet, the what-nots and +shelves, the footstools and plants. Barrels, crates, bits of wood, +nails, old newspapers, straw, littered the room. It was the abomination +of desolation. + +Letitia sat and wept on one chair. I took the other and closed my eyes +in rueful meditation. Before my mental vision a procession of our +destroyers passed mockingly. I saw Anna Carter, Mrs. Potzenheimer, +Birdie Miriam McCaffrey, Gerda Lyberg, Olga Allallami, Madame Hyacinthe +de Lyrolle, Leonie, Katie Smith, Rachel, and--could I ever forget that +wistful, winsome face?--Priscilla Perfoozle. They seemed to glare at me +revengefully, as though their aims had been accomplished, and their fell +projects crowned with success. Then they formed a ring around me and +danced in fiendish abandon. Each appeared to wear a badge on the left +side of her bodice, just over the heart, and I could read the legend, +"Death to the Home." The sight was ghastly. They grinned from ear to +ear, in precisely the same way, and I was surprised to notice that their +black dresses, heavily trimmed with crape, were precisely alike, as +though they were all members of some devilish sisterhood. I believe I +tried to open my eyes; my heart was beating wildly; I could feel the +perspiration streaming from my face; I heard myself groan. + +"Archie!" cried Letitia, at my side. "What _is_ the matter? My poor boy, +you have been asleep, and you must have been dreaming--at this time of +day, too! Oh, you poor thing, you feel it all even more than I do. How +selfish I am, after all--thinking only of myself. It is wicked of me and +ungrateful. After all, what does anything really matter, as long as we +have each other--you and I--and our health and our strength, and"--with +a smile--"the price." + +Her words fell sweetly upon my ear. It was good to know that I had been +nightmaring in the daytime, and that the fiendish sisterhood was +intangible. + +"Cheer up, Archie," she went on, "we were both silly, gloomy things, and +there is no reason why we should feel so oppressed, is there? As you +say, it is this packing that has upset us. Packing is a horrid +institution, anyway, even when one is going away for pleasure. I always +feel sorry to leave any place, even if I hate it; don't you, Archie? I +guess that we are both alike, and that we weren't built for such an +unsentimental place as New York City." + +"We've nearly finished the dining-room," said Sam, looking in upon us +suddenly, "and we'd like to bring a few of the things in here, if you +wouldn't mind stepping into the bedroom! Sorry to trouble you, mum!" + +In a less remorseful frame of mind, we were driven to our little +bedroom, as yet untouched. Letitia made a brave effort to remain calm. I +could see that she was biting her lip, and I appreciated her +determination so thoroughly that I made up my mind to do all I could to +steer clear of further pathos. We sat on the bed. + +"I read this morning, Letitia," I said hurriedly, "that a bill has been +introduced into the Assembly for the protection of homes from the unfit +servants that are supplied by intelligence offices. It is asserted that +women who should not be permitted to come in contact with the family +circle are sent out. Strong arguments were made, and--" + +Letitia smiled in spite of herself. "It is amusing," she said. "Why +bother about abolishing bad servants when there are no others? It is +wonderful how people can interest themselves in that side of the case, +when it is the other that is responsible for all our troubles. However, +I suppose they need their little pastimes, even in Albany, and the +uninitiated might think, when they read about it, that a bill to +abolish bad servants would help you to get good ones, which is, of +course, idiotic, as there are none." + +"Of course you are right, dear," I said, glad to see that I had roused +her. + +"Anyway," she continued, "most people don't want homes and have +forgotten what they are like, so that there is no need to feel too +regretful. Unfortunately, the real nuisance is that when we're old and +have grandchildren, we shall never be able to treat them in the good old +way. Grandpa and grandma will be in furnished rooms and the old +homestead will exist no more! Perhaps, after all, the home is just a +relic of barbarism. Even grandchildren, however, are going out of +fashion. New York women are too young to have them, and they have lost +the art of growing old. Fancy a New York grandmother in a cap, knitting, +with her grandchildren at her knee! No, Archie. She prefers yellow hair, +a blush (supplied from a nineteen-cent box) upon her cheek, and a +pneumatic figure pumped up around her poor old bones, to the ancient +poetic notion." + +"It is the spirit of progress." + +"Yes, dear, it must be. Grandma is a giddy young thing and not a bit +disturbed when grandpa is gathered unto his fathers. When that happens, +she very often marries a pretty little college lad, who was in long +dresses when her first grandchild was born. And she takes him to live +with her in the family hotel and provides for him generously. And when +she really can't live any longer--she would if she could--she dies and +leaves him her cash. Dear strenuous young-old thing! One can't help +admiring this wonderful tenacity." + +"You and I are horridly old-fashioned, Letitia." + +"And we _must_ reform," she declared emphatically. "It can't go on any +longer. To us, New York seems funny, doesn't it? And the complicated +relationships are so peculiar. An old woman (I beg her pardon, I mean a +woman who, years ago, would have been old) and her daughter, think +nothing of marrying brothers, and becoming all sorts of impossible +relations to each other. Even that most hackneyed of all comic +institutions, the mother-in-law, is a light and airy creature in this +country, and has no rooted objection to being sued by her own daughter +for alienating the affections of her own son-in-law." + +Letitia's exaggerations made me laugh. But it did her good to think them +up and I made no protests. I was glad to see that she was herself again, +and that the nerve-racking noise of the packing no longer disturbed her +as acutely as it had done. + +"These family hotels simplify things, of course," she said. "They do +away with all fuss and feathers. A man takes an elegantly furnished +suite, and just asks in a wife! An old lady engages a handsome apartment +and fishes up a husband to live in it with her. The _ménage_ starts +immediately. No furnishers, and decorators, and upholsterers, and +servants are necessary. Monsieur and Madame are at home instantly. In +the old days, the establishment of a home meant everything. Now it is +established almost as easily as it is broken up." + +"We're ready for the bedroom, now"--Joe appeared again--"and if you +wouldn't mind stepping into the kitchen! Sorry to disturb you, mum!" + +There was nothing pathetic about the kitchen. The sight of the kitchen +certainly awakened no regrets. The things were all packed, but we gazed +stolidly around us, at the place that had made home-life impossible. + +"The poor still have their homes, Letitia," I said, "and the working +people have not yet experienced all the signs of the times that you +mention." + +"They will come to it," she declared--and I couldn't help smiling at her +earnestness; "they are just waiting. Perhaps next century there will be +no work-people. The trades-unions are doing their best. You wonder how +I know all these things, Archie. Yes, you do; I can see it in your face. +Well, I'll tell you. For the last month I have been reading nothing but +these subjects. I haven't touched Ovid or Cicero. I don't believe I ever +shall again. I am so fearfully interested in a condition of society that +votes all labor a nuisance and consigns the 'sweat of the brow' to the +luxury of the Turkish bath." + +"To think that cook has led us to this!" I murmured. + +"Cook is the all-pervading evil, Archie. She is the outward +manifestation of this spirit of unrest. Mrs. Potzenheimer is but a type; +Birdie Miriam McCaffrey is merely symbolic; Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle +is simply--" + +"Unfit for publication, my dear," I interposed, and we both smiled. The +rays of a gentle optimism were beginning to soothe us, as we realized +our own non-responsibility in the matter of Fate, personified by Cook! +At any rate, she had left us together. She had been powerless to +separate us. + + * * * * * + +It was over. We stood in the street and watched the last relics of our +little home, as they were placed in the storage-house wagons. They stood +on the pavement for rude little boys to stare at, awaiting the helping +hands of Jim, and Sam, and Joe. The Indian cabinet seemed to blink in +the sun, as it rested on the sidewalk, preparatory to its journey. + +"Poor thing!" said Letitia, with a little gulp, as it was finally +hoisted into the wagon. "It was only meant to be ornamental. It tried +hard. It did its best. It stood by us, Archie, as long as it could. I +hate to think of it, locked up in seclusion, with nobody to look at it." + +"There's our bureau!" I interrupted, as the pretty bit of furniture that +had been honored by the encumbrance of Letitia's dainty toilet silver +made its appearance out of doors, in the stark daylight. "I never +realized until now what a beauty it was. How they bang it about! They +have no respect for furniture. Here, you Jim"--to the son of toil--"try +and be careful. Honestly, Letitia, these household goods of ours seem to +be reproaching us." + +"Dear old inanimates!" she cried. "I dare say they know that we couldn't +help it, that we were the victims of--Cook. Oh, Archie, there's the +tiger-head, tied up, but still quite recognizable." + +The head had escaped from the restraining cords. It was salient, and +impressive. The mouth of the tiger was open, in a snarl, and the glass +eyes shone. Jim placed it on a chest of drawers, for which he was +making a corner in the wagon. Letitia approached it in a sort of +surreptitious manner, and patted the head. Then the foolish girl leaned +forward and deliberately kissed the soft, smooth fur. Two little boys +grinned derisively, and seemed to congratulate themselves upon their +excellent position for a free show. + +The cab that was to take us to our family hotel stood at the door, and +the trunks, containing our wearing-apparel, were laboriously placed upon +it by the men. It was ready for us, but we could not tear ourselves away +from the uncanny fascination of the wagons. Letitia held my arm, and we +watched each fragment of our broken home, as it was lifted from our view +into the recesses of the greedy vehicle. + +"Perhaps," I said, with a suspicious tremor in my voice, "we shall see +them again before very long. They are still ours, Letitia. I--I--shall +pay for their board every month; it--it will be a pleasure to do so. You +know, my girl, we can--we can call them back at any moment." + +A large tear was trickling down Letitia's cheek, as she saw the men take +their places on the wagons and realized that this--this was, indeed, the +very end. + +"No, Archie," she said, "we shall never call them back. We shall never +dare to do it. And, in the years to come, our experiences with these +dear old things--that, later on, we shall sell--will sound like some +absurd and far-fetched story that a new generation will never credit. +The question that has broken us will be solved only in the way in which +we are trying to solve it. There is, and there will be, no other +solution." + +Jim smacked a whip; a huge "home"-laden wagon groaned and labored for a +moment; then it slowly and reluctantly moved away. We watched it until +it reached the corner and turned from our sight. The tears were +streaming down Letitia's face, and I must confess that I bit my mustache +so ferociously that I left ragged ends. + +"Come, my girl," I said in a low voice, as I opened the door of the cab. +She got in, and I followed. We leaned back, heavy, silent, and with a +mortal sorrow in our hearts. Then--then-- + +We were driven swiftly away to a new condition of things, in which the +cooks shall cease from troubling, and we shall be at rest. + +THE END + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Wanted: A Cook, by Alan Dale + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43983 *** |