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-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Wanted: A Cook, by Alan Dale
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
-almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
-
-
-Title: Wanted: A Cook
-       Domestic Dialogues
-
-Author: Alan Dale
-
-Release Date: October 19, 2013 [EBook #43983]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WANTED: A COOK ***
-
-
-
-
-Produced by Annie R. McGuire. This book was produced from
-scanned images of public domain material from the Google
-Print archive.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-WANTED: A COOK
-
-
-
-
-WANTED: A COOK
-Domestic Dialogues
-
-_By_
-ALAN DALE
-
-
-INDIANAPOLIS
-THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY
-PUBLISHERS
-
-
-
-
-Copyright, 1904
-The Bobbs-Merrill Company
-
-
-
-
-_To_ JENNIE SHALEK: _housewife_,
-
-     who, in my hour of drab and dreary cooklessness, when my heart
-     fainted, and tragedy impended, sent her four fair daughters to my
-     aid, with an ancient Hibernian curio destined to eke out a
-     livelihood at my expense; who knows the true inwardness of this
-     tragic topic, and who would gladly lend a willing hand and an
-     unwilling cook to any sufferer, I gratefully dedicate these simple,
-     plaintive dialogues.
-
-  ALAN DALE
-  _New York City_,
-  _September, 1904_
-
-
-
-
-WANTED: A COOK
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER I
-
-
-My Letitia! It was indeed a proud and glowing moment when I slipped the
-little golden circlet on her fair, slim, girlish finger, and realized
-that she was assuredly mine. We were so eminently suited to each
-other--both young, enthusiastic, and unspotted from the world. We had
-our own pet theories, and long before marriage we had communed on that
-favorite, misunderstood topic--the sanctity of the home.
-
-Letitia was exceedingly well-read, and the polish upon her education
-shone. It was no mere thin veneer, to be worn off by a too brutal
-contact with the rough edges of the world. It was an ingrained polish.
-She adored the classics. Other girls would sit down and pore over the
-Sarah-Jane romances of the hour. My Letitia liked Virgil. In French she
-was fearfully familiar with Molière and Racine. In German she coquetted
-with Schiller in the most delightful manner. She knew most of the
-students' readings of Shakespeare. In fact, she fascinated me by her
-arch refinement.
-
-We were both great sticklers for refinement. We pitied the poor silly
-things who knew how to sew and cook. Refinement--we were both certain of
-it--was the cultivation of the gloriously useless. We despised the
-abominably useful. It was so sordid. We felt convinced that our "home"
-could be conducted upon suave and easy lines, without abandoning even
-one of our theories. Letitia told me that "home" was the Anglo-Saxon
-_ham_, and I was so much in love with her, that I didn't mind in the
-least. In fact, I hinted that I had suspected as much. How could "home"
-be anything else but Anglo-Saxon?
-
-My little girl had been "finished" in Paris, at a select, and pleasingly
-dismal, _pension_ in the Avenue du Roule. I, myself, had taken a B. A.
-at Oxford. Yet we were triumphantly patriotic Americans. We returned to
-these shores absolutely convinced that they were beyond criticism. After
-all, people only go abroad in order that they may realize the
-inferiority of Europe. They never go for a "good time," or for mere
-frivolous amusement. The great armies of Americans in London and Paris
-are there simply because they prefer America and want that fact brought
-home to them. If you don't believe me, ask them. Nail them down to their
-patriotism.
-
-However, both Letitia and I grudgingly admitted that in England home
-life did seem a bit more potent than on this side.
-
-"It naturally would," said Letitia, "because you see 'home' is really an
-Anglo-Saxon idea."
-
-But we were going to have a home of our own in the very midst of
-seething New York. The mere notion of a vulgar, degrading
-"boarding-house" was detestable to us, while as for the "apartment
-hotel," where you sat at dinner in your best clothes with a crowd of
-unsympathetic strangers, we sniffed at the bare suggestion. We wanted a
-little refuge, tiny yet dainty, where we could be alone to live our
-lives. "To live our lives" was one of Letitia's expressions. She
-abstracted it unconsciously, I believe, from Ibsen. A chaste and
-cherishable resort, where of an evening my wife could read _The Iliad_
-in the original, and I, in a becoming smoking-jacket and velvet
-slippers, could work at my _Lives of Great Men_, was what we clamored to
-possess. And possess it we fully intended to do.
-
-I may add that Letitia also believed in the "new thought." She was of
-the opinion that you could will anything you wanted. She doted on
-sitting still, and sending out telepathic waves from her cunning little
-brain, and I loved to look at her telepathing. She was at her
-prettiest.
-
-Aunt Julia Dinsmore, Letitia's only relative, and a sedate old lady with
-drab ideas, mentioned something about the "servant question" as she
-listened to our domestic rhapsodies. She suggested to us that there must
-be some satisfactory reason to explain the lack of well-appointed homes
-in New York. Americans liked comfort just as well as other people, said
-she. Did we suppose that they were uncomfortable because they preferred
-discomfort? And again she referred to the "servant question."
-
-The "servant question"! How we laughed! Letitia nudged me under the
-table and arched her eyebrows. She turned to Aunt Julia and quoted one
-of Shakespeare's most beautiful passages:
-
-  "How well in thee appears
-  The constant service of the antique world,
-  When service sweat for duty, not for meed!"
-
-It is one of the many charming things in _As You Like It_. Aunt Julia
-said that it had nothing whatsoever to do with the case. Perhaps it
-hadn't. In fact, as I think it over now, I can't quite see its
-relevancy. Yet what mattered relevancy? It was a treat to listen to
-Letitia when she quoted.
-
-"Your Shakespeare will die when your cook comes in," said Aunt Julia,
-and she laughed. People are so fond of laughing at their own epigrams.
-It is most irritating--just as though the utterance of this perverted
-form of philosophy were a relief.
-
-"You dear silly old thing!" exclaimed Letitia to her aunt, "we shall not
-worry. We don't read the comic papers. Americans believe all the
-wretched jokes, dished up for them, to be founded on fact. Americans
-believe anything. They have no time to think for themselves. Have they,
-Archie?"
-
-All I could reply was: "No." I should like to have been pungent and
-clever, but somehow or other, I never can follow Letitia. She generally
-appeals to me with a deft query, destined to color her own delightful
-train of thought, and I have nothing better to say than "no"--or
-occasionally "yes."
-
-After that, Aunt Julia dropped the "servant question," as she called it.
-The "servant question"! As though there could be such a question! How
-could refined and educated people elect to permit the mere matter of
-domestic drudgery to be a "question"? Art might be a question. Science
-was certainly a question. But to allude to the handmaiden, who opens
-your front door, or to the person who Marylands your terrapin, as a
-"question" was too ludicrous. It was making mountains out of molehills.
-Ah! Letitia and I were for the glorious mountains, with their sun-kissed
-peaks and their exultant elevation.
-
-We were neither of us freighted with that detestable thing dubbed a
-"sense of humor." Thank goodness for that! A sense of humor is a
-handicap in the world's race. People afflicted with it seem to spend
-their time laughing at their friends, scoffing at serious situations,
-and extracting spurious merriment from the gravity and dignity of life.
-We both believed that a sense of humor was unrefined. Comic
-story-tellers, comic poets, comic critics--how we loathed them! They
-were parasites on the face of things, giving you stones when you craved
-bread--furnishing nasty, sickly ridicule in lieu of delicate,
-intellectual analysis. Thank goodness, that both Letitia and I had been
-spared the curse of a "sense of humor." We had been educated beyond it.
-
-Aunt Julia, as I said, was henceforth silent--or comparatively
-silent--on her banal, squalid "servant question." But she was rampant
-and interfering again when we selected the pretty little apartment--in a
-beautiful neighborhood--that was to be our home--Letitia's and mine! We
-took it without a question, there being nothing that we wanted to know.
-It was not one of those American institutions in which, to get from the
-drawing-room to the dining-room, you were forced to walk through the
-bedrooms, no matter who happened to be in them, asleep, or dressing. It
-had a "private hall," and each room possessed a window. Why each room
-shouldn't possess a window, I can't explain, but windows in up-to-date
-apartments are a luxury, and not a necessity. I dare say that they are
-very old-fashioned, but they are one of the last remnants of old fashion
-to which I cling.
-
-It was a small apartment with "six rooms and bath"--very cozy, and quite
-light and cheerful without furniture. After we had seen our dainty
-"belongings" moved in, we were bound to admit that some people might say
-that it all looked "stuffy." Letitia didn't think so; nor did I. Much we
-cared!
-
-Still, it was quite remarkable what a difference furniture made. It
-really seemed to be in the way. The drawing-room was almost blocked up
-with its chairs and sofas, what-nots, and ottomans. It had seemed quite
-a spacious apartment when in its natural state. One would have thought
-that it mutely rebelled at the indignity of furniture. Yet one must
-furnish!
-
-The only thing to do in our drawing-room was to sit down. It was quite
-comfortable sitting down. It seemed like refuge to get to a chair--out
-of harm's way. When up and doing, you had to dodge and to steer
-yourself. We often went there before we were married, just to get used
-to the position of the furniture. In front of the fireplace--where there
-would never be any fire, as everything was steam-heated--we placed the
-tiger-rug, with the real tiger-head, that Aunt Julia gave us. It was
-rather dark by the fireplace, as a bookcase, a what-not, a dear little
-_tête-à-tête_ chair and a "cosy corner" were in its vicinity and we
-always fell over the tiger's head. It was most amusing at first. I
-laughed when it brought Letitia down. Letitia laughed when she saw me
-prone. But one tires so quickly of innocent pleasure! The last time we
-visited the apartment before the gorgeous day when it literally became
-"ours," I fell over the tiger-head, and--it palled. For the first time
-it didn't seem so funny. I am glad to say that Letitia laughed just the
-same, her mind being more ingenuous than mine.
-
-In the dining-room, too, there was a wealth of furniture. It was such a
-cheerful room when we first saw it, but when curtained and upholstered,
-it was necessary to switch on the electric light in order to see where
-the table was. Of course, this didn't matter at all. It was merely a new
-experience and deliciously odd. Still, we both agreed that if we
-preferred air and light to material, bodily comfort, our "home" was
-infinitely brighter unfurnished. As a matter of fact, the simplest
-necessities of domestic life were encumbrances. We had to ponder over an
-extra chair. The disposal of a small footstool called for a
-mathematical mind. As for the table, it had--like most other
-tables--four legs, but three of them were ridiculously in the way. They
-seemed like abnormal growths.
-
-We were delighted at all this innovation. We prattled about our "home"
-by the hour. These--or rather, this--might be the ancestral halls of our
-great-great-grandchildren, though at present it seemed destined for one
-generation at a time--and a small generation, too. There was scarcely
-room for even an ancestor, and I couldn't help feeling thankful that
-ancestors were not usual in New York.
-
-The bedrooms surprised us. They were called bedrooms, because nobody had
-yet thought out any other name for them. We were both loud in praise of
-their coziness. They were simply full of coziness. There was no room for
-anything else. Furnished with ledges or bunks as on board ship, they
-would have been most spacious and agreeable. With beds in them they
-bulged. Letitia admitted this, when I called her attention to it. She
-laughed and quoted Ben Jonson's memorable words: "I will not lodge thee
-by Chaucer, or Spenser, or bid Beaumont lie a little further to make
-thee a room." And, as usual, I kissed her. Her splendid thoughts were
-independent of mere space. They rose above and superior to close
-modernity. Thank goodness, again, for the lack of a sense of humor! With
-it, I might have said things about Chaucer, Spenser, and Beaumont, at
-which the groundlings, would, perchance, have smiled. The humorists,
-so-called, would sell their souls for a laugh.
-
-We never once looked at the kitchen. Not for worlds would we have
-betrayed so mean and petty a spirit. Undoubtedly there are women who
-would have peered into this food-resort, and have held forth on such
-disgusting topics as "tubs" and "hot and cold water." Ugh! How
-nauseating! Letitia simply passed it by with a shrug. It _had_ to be
-there, of course, but it had nothing to do with our case. Cook would
-probably know if it were properly appointed. This was what cook was for.
-The agent had told us that a bedroom for a cook was conveniently
-adjoining. To which Letitia had replied, in evident amusement, "No
-doubt. Why not?" I thought it clever, and I believe that the agent did,
-for he turned his face quickly away.
-
-Aunt Julia had supplied the cooking utensils, I am thankful to say. We
-had no interest in them. We agreed that they were necessary, but we were
-willing to pay, and to pay well, for a careful custodian of that sort of
-thing. But as I began to say before, Aunt Julia, after having wisely
-dropped the "servant question," became rampant and interfering on the
-subject of our apartment. She asked distressing questions about "dumb
-waiters," and "janitors," and "washing."
-
-Letitia was reading Cicero's _De Amicitia_ at the time, I remember,
-while I was making notes of some incidents in the life of Goethe that I
-meant to incorporate in my book. I bore with Aunt Julia most patiently.
-As I could not answer her questions, I parried them very good-naturedly.
-After all, she was Letitia's only relative, and she was old, and rather
-infirm. One must be polite, even when it would be excruciatingly
-exquisite to be otherwise.
-
-"I must say," remarked Aunt Julia, "that you don't seem to have looked
-at anything. You have taken an apartment, and you know nothing at all
-about it. You are a couple of silly children."
-
-"Pardon me," I said, "but we have looked at all that it was necessary to
-look at. I don't expect Letitia to grovel."
-
-"Grovel!" cried Aunt Julia, "grovel! I like that. In my time, a
-housewife knew what she was doing--"
-
-"That's just it," I interrupted. "In your time, Aunt Julia, there were
-housewives. I hate the phrase. Housewife--wife of the house. I want my
-wife for myself, not for my house. In your time, I dare say, women so
-far forgot themselves--yes, forgot themselves, Aunt Julia--as to discuss
-the laundry, or the market, with their husbands. That, I may say, is not
-our idea. I want your dear little niece to stay in her drawing-room--"
-
-"Stay in her--what?" cried Aunt Julia ferociously.
-
-"I repeat: her drawing-room. Oh, I know that you would prefer that I say
-'parlor.' I decline to do so. It is a word that grates on my nerves. In
-England, they have 'parlors' in hovels. You enter the 'parlor' direct
-from the street. It is quite unnecessary to cast a stigma on a room.
-Drawing-room sounds much more refined. With us it will be drawing-room."
-
-"I think Archie is right, Aunt Julia," said Letitia, looking up from _De
-Amicitia_, and smiling at me--dear little girl! "It is a prettier term,
-isn't it? 'Parlor' sounds so awfully poor, and--well, dear, we are
-really not awfully poor. It is the little refinements of life that
-count. I don't think I could feel at home in a parlor. I just adore the
-notion of my drawing-room."
-
-Aunt Julia laughed. It wasn't one of those laughs that signify
-merriment. It was that contemptuous something that we call a laugh for
-want of a better word. I should classify it as a snortch, or a sniffth.
-It angered me considerably.
-
-"There are no drawing-rooms," continued Letitia's relative, "in
-One-Hundred-and-Fourth Street, near Columbus Avenue. I should think you
-would be satisfied to hear them called 'parlors.' Cubby-holes would be
-more appropriate. Of course, I may be all wrong. Of course. Ha! Ha! To
-talk as though you owned Marlborough House, or Buckingham Palace, or
-Vanderbilt's mansion! Ha! Ha! It is too preposterous."
-
-I saw a flush on my Letitia's face. She had closed her Cicero with a
-sigh. All this small-talk was nerve-racking.
-
-"A drawing-room," persisted Aunt Julia, "is literally the room to which
-the guests withdraw after dinner. I imagine that your guests will
-withdraw to it not only after dinner, but after luncheon and breakfast
-as well. In fact they will be obliged to withdraw there or sit on the
-fire-escape. By-the-by, have you a fire-escape?"
-
-As though I knew or cared! Fancy selecting a home, and inquiring if
-there were any means by which you could escape from it. I did not
-answer. My mind was brooding over the question of withdrawing from the
-dining-room. Next to our dining-room was the bathroom. It was rather an
-odd arrangement, especially as bathing is considered dangerous
-immediately after eating. The man who designed our "home" evidently
-thought that a bath after a meal was a good thing. Otherwise, why place
-the bathroom next to the dining-room?
-
-I recovered my equanimity instantly. "You are trying to discourage us,
-Aunt Julia," I said, "but it won't work. You can call the drawing-room a
-'parlor' if you like. But we shan't. Nor are we trying to ape Buckingham
-Palace. We are too American for that. The trouble here is that whenever
-you try to be nice, refined, and courteous, you are accused of aping
-something. We ape nothing at all. We prefer a drawing-room because it
-has a more cultured sound. Just as we intend to call the china-closet a
-'pantry.' This is a free country."
-
-"Fiddlesticks!" cried Aunt Julia. "You are very devoted to your
-drawing-room and your pantry, but I'm grieved to think that a sensible
-girl like Letitia, and an able-bodied young man, like yourself, haven't
-thought it worth while to ask the janitor about the disposition of the
-garbage."
-
-That settled it. I had endured a good deal. I had been patient, polite,
-kindly, and amused. Yes, I had been half-amused. When I heard Aunt Julia
-sully her lips with a word so coarse as "garbage" in the presence of my
-innocent little unsophisticated Letitia, I decided that the time for
-protest had indeed arrived.
-
-"Mrs. Dinsmore," I said--not even "Aunt Julia"--"I must really ask you
-to avoid such disgusting words and topics, or, if you must mention them,
-to do so to me alone. I can stand it--perhaps. But it is not nice for
-your niece. There may be such a thing as garbage in the world--I believe
-that there is--but one does not care to allude to it at home."
-
-I looked at Letitia. A slight expression of disgust manifested itself on
-her face, although she tried for my sake to conceal it.
-
-"It is a word that has come to us, Archie, from the old French _garbe_,"
-she said quickly, with her own admirable tact. "It was once more
-disgusting than it now seems to be. Americans use it to express kitchen
-refuse or anything of that sort. Of course, our cook will have no
-refuse, for we shall get a good one. Probably, in low, unrefined
-households they do have refuse. It is possibly quite general--for
-average people do not understand the refinement of living. Aunt Julia
-meant nothing, I am sure."
-
-Letitia, the sweetest and most diplomatic girl I have ever met, rose and
-kissed Aunt Julia, and I was bound to feel mollified. Not that Aunt
-Julia was in the least upset by my dignity. In fact, she was convulsed
-with laughter, but it was the same sort of laughter that I prefer to
-call a snortch, or a sniffth.
-
-"If you ever eat oranges," she persisted in continuing, "what are you
-going to do with the peel? And your potato skins? And your melon rinds?
-And your old bones? And your tin cans? And your grocery boxes? That is
-what we unrefined people call garbage. But I dare say that you and
-Letitia will put it all in your drawing-room and make a cozy corner of
-it, or tie it up with blue ribbons. You silly children!" she cried,
-drying the laughter from her eyes, "if you weren't so amusing I could be
-angry with you."
-
-Letitia looked at me. I looked at Letitia. She put her index finger to
-her lips to signify silence. It dawned upon us both that Aunt
-Julia--poor old thing--was cursed with the terrible commodity known as
-the "sense of humor." That is the way it always manifests itself. It is
-irrelevant laughter at serious subjects. My opinion is that it is a
-disease, and that a remedy for it will be found one day. They seem to be
-discovering that remedy in the comic papers, which no longer, I have
-heard, appeal to the afflicted.
-
-Letitia went on reading _De Amicitia_; I renewed my acquaintance with
-Goethe, and Aunt Julia fell asleep with a book in her hands. I couldn't
-help seeing that it was called _Hints to Housewives_. Certainly
-Letitia's only relative was a bit disenchanting.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER II
-
-
-It was while we were honeymooning at Niagara, that Aunt Julia, in a
-letter dated from her home, at Tarrytown-on-the-Hudson, wrote to tell us
-that she had secured a cook for us, a colored woman, who had been highly
-recommended, and whom we should find awaiting us when we took possession
-of our cunning little domicile.
-
-"I need not say, my dear Letitia," she wrote, "that a good servant is
-merely the result of a sensible and far-seeing mistress. Be firm with
-her, but not necessarily unsympathetic. Remember that the servant-girl
-question and its many evils constitute a grave national problem. I think
-you may consider yourselves lucky. Anna Carter appears to be an
-excellent servant."
-
-This letter reached us the day before we returned to New York. Letitia
-read it aloud to me at breakfast as we sat before our morning eggs. It
-had a prosaic sound, but--well, morning eggs are not freighted with
-romance. Unfortunately, we were neither of us built for a diet of
-rose-leaves and dew-drops, delightful though they would have been,
-during the honeymoon. I am, however, bound to say that Letitia's
-extremely healthy appetite did not disenchant me. Nor, when I returned
-for a second egg, furtively during the first week, but more boldly later
-on, did Letitia repine at my materialism. One thing we did avoid--and
-that was the distasteful discussion of food. We ate what was placed
-before us without comment. Only once was this tacit rule broken. It was
-when, at dinner, Letitia rompingly annexed an evil oyster. Even then,
-she merely uttered a little cry of pain--which went to my heart--and
-dropped the subject; also the oyster.
-
-"It is really awfully good of Aunt Julia," she said, pretending not to
-notice that I had arrived at egg number three. "She is a dear, good old
-soul. I am delighted at the prospect of a colored maid. Aren't you,
-Archie?"
-
-"They are always very good-tempered and docile," I replied, "and with
-you, Letitia, any girl will be exceedingly happy. Ah, in the years to
-come, Anna Carter may be our 'old retainer,' to be pensioned off. Think
-of her weeping, and begging to be allowed to remain with us--clinging to
-us, as it were, and even offering to stay without wages."
-
-"Which I should never allow,"--Letitia's tone was wonderfully firm--"I
-can't imagine how self-respecting people permit such a thing. They
-always do it in plays. I shan't countenance it. If Anna persists in
-staying with us, when she is too old to work, then she shall have
-exactly the same wages. Am I not right, Archie?"
-
-"Always," I cried admiringly; "always, my dear girl."
-
-"I think," said Letitia musingly, "I think a colored maid always looks
-so neat and attractive in a plain black dress, buttoned down the front,
-and a white cap--something fluffy and lacey--a wide, stiff, white collar
-and pretty cuffs. I shall dress Anna Carter like that. I have quite made
-up my mind to it. Oh, Archie," she went on rapturously, "don't you think
-that the _bonnes_ in Paris--you see them in the Champs Elysées, and
-everywhere--look perfectly lovely in the caps with the long satin
-ribbons trailing to the ground?"
-
-"But they are nurses, dear," I suggested, just for the sake of arguing
-with my little wife.
-
-"That doesn't matter at all," she cried triumphantly. "There's no law to
-prevent our dressing Anna in just that style, if we like, is there,
-Archie? You must admit that there isn't. I shall get her a pretty cap,
-with yards of olive-green ribbon, to match the burlap on the
-dining-room wall. Isn't it a charming idea? And colored people love a
-bit of finery--a ribbon or so. I can imagine her delight. I hope she
-isn't fearfully colored--an unbecoming shade--as green would be such a
-bad match. We should be obliged to have red, and that would be so
-glaring with the green walls. I can't help feeling a bit sorry--since we
-have heard from Aunt Julia--that we didn't have red burlap in the
-dining-room. But one can't think of everything, can one, Archie?"
-
-"No, dear," I said soothingly. "You are a wonderful little woman to have
-thought of all this."
-
-"And I do hope," she went on, "that Anna has a black dress, buttoning
-down the front. I have set my heart on it, Archie. It may be a trifle,
-but somehow or other, those old-fashioned buttoned bodices look so
-comfortable and homelike."
-
-We journeyed exultantly back to New York, eager to get to our home. We
-could scarcely wait. To be sure, the hotel at Niagara was delightful. We
-had the "bridal suite" and all the luxuries that money could
-command--for a honeymoon comes but once to people with our ideas. Still
-this hotel life, even under such advantageous circumstances, palled upon
-us. We did not care for sight-seeing, and the pastimes of the hayseed
-mind. The fact that the Falls happened to be there, brought little
-satisfaction to us. We stayed at the hotel most of the time, and tried
-to imagine that it was home. Letitia read Ovid's _Ars Amatoria_ and _The
-Responsive Epistles of Aulus Sabinus_. Aunt Julia had given us Hall
-Caine's _Eternal City_, and Marie Corelli's _Temporal Power_, but
-Letitia threw them from the window of the train. They took up so much
-valuable room. They were mute testimony to a disorderly mind, she said,
-and I quite agreed with her.
-
-On our way back Letitia announced that she had sent a telepathic message
-to Anna Carter. She sat quite motionless for ten minutes, during which
-time she tried to impress Miss Carter's mind with a picture of
-ourselves.
-
-"Sometimes it works," she said, "and sometimes it doesn't. It all
-depends upon the psychic endowment of the recipient. Some of the negroes
-have an exceptional psychic equipment. At any rate, Archie, it doesn't
-cost anything but the mental effort. Telepathy is cheaper than
-telegraphy. Anna will probably know that we are coming."
-
-"I think a wire would have been surer, dear," I ventured. "I really
-don't mind the expense. I don't want my little girl to be too
-laboriously economical."
-
-At the Grand Central Station we parted for the first time since our
-wedding--I, to set forth for my office in West Twenty-third Street,
-where I was junior partner of a profitable little publishing house,
-which would ultimately offer my _Lives of Great Men_ to the world;
-Letitia to go home. How sweet the word sounded! In reality, I could have
-postponed my visit to the office until the next day. But I was anxious
-to savor the delight of "going home" to Letitia at the conventional
-hour. I wanted to see what it was like--this return to a sweet,
-expectant little wife, eagerly looking for me out of the window, while
-the "neat-handed Phyllis" prepared a cozy dinner. Letitia quite
-understood why I went to the office, and she was delighted at the pretty
-subterfuge.
-
-It was almost impossible to sink my mind to the dull level of business.
-They must have found me singularly unresponsive at the office. The
-details of the publishing business seemed unusually sordid, and I am
-afraid I spent most of the time looking at my watch, and waiting for the
-moment when I could legitimately rejoin Letitia. My partner, Arthur
-Tamworth, evidently regarded me as a joke, and uttered various
-pleasantries of the usual caliber. However, I asked him up to dinner one
-night during the week, and he accepted the invitation with gusto.
-
-At five o'clock I left the office, and half an hour later I arrived at
-my dainty little uptown apartment. Sure enough, Letitia was looking out
-of the window on the third floor and waving a handkerchief. Regardless
-of appearances, I kissed my hand, overjoyed at the sight of domesticity
-realized. Briskly I reached the elevator, and almost knocked down a most
-remarkable looking lady who was stepping out. I begged her pardon
-abjectly. She wore one of those peculiar veils, with an eruption of
-large, angry, violet spots, through which I could see that she was
-colored. Her dress was of mauve silk, and her hat was a veritable
-flower-garden of roses, violets, and lilies of the valley. She chuckled
-coonily at my apology and pursued her way.
-
-"Who on earth is that?" I asked the elevator boy.
-
-That official seemed tired. He answered indifferently: "Somebody's cook,
-I suppose."
-
-I couldn't help laughing. "Somebody's cook!" I repeated. "Who in the
-world would own a cook like that?" It was an amusing idea, and I quite
-enjoyed it.
-
-Letitia opened the door herself, which was charming and unconventional.
-She wore an exquisite little dinner dress of pink taffeta (I believe)
-trimmed with white chiffon (I imagine). Her neck and arms gleamed in
-enchanting evening revelation. We had both resolved always to "dress"
-for dinner. Probably Aunt Julia would accuse us of our favorite pastime
-of "aping," but we had not discussed the matter with her. "Dressing for
-dinner" was merely a little delicate formality that cost nothing at all.
-We looked upon it as a mutual courtesy--one of those small refinements
-that mean so much to the well-bred mind. Even when we were entirely
-alone, evening dress was to be _de rigueur_, as they say in plebeian
-circles.
-
-"Oh, Archie!" cried Letitia, "I'm so glad you've come, dear. It must
-have been at least a week since we parted. Isn't the 'home' lovely? Oh,
-I can scarcely believe it is mine. Now, run away and dress, like a good
-boy, and then we'll talk."
-
-I struggled into my evening clothes. My new dinner coat was a
-particularly fetching garment, and I flattered myself, as I emerged from
-my room--it seemed smaller than ever--that there was something
-distinctly patrician about me.
-
-Letitia was in the drawing-room with Ovid. A lamp with a red shade cast
-a rosy light upon her. Anything prettier than this picture I have never
-seen. I went in rather coyly, and fell over the tiger-head, at which
-Letitia laughed merrily--still the same, bright, unchanged little girl.
-When I had picked myself up, I looked out a channel between chairs,
-stools, sofas and what-nots, and plowed myself through it gingerly,
-until I reached Letitia.
-
-"Now, dear girl," I said, "tell me everything. Begin with Anna Carter."
-
-She took my hand as I sat beside her on the sofa. "Well," she started,
-"Anna was quite surprised to see me. She had not received my telepathic
-message. You remember I sent it at 11:32 this morning. But it appears
-that she was singing at that time. Isn't it fun, Archie? When I arrived,
-I found Anna at the piano practising her scales."
-
-"How extremely--er--disrespectful!"
-
-"Nonsense," laughed Letitia, "it seems that she belongs to a choral
-society and is first soprano. You know, Archie, I thought it best to be
-sympathetic at first. So I listened to her. I imagined that she was
-going to apologize for being discovered at the piano. But she didn't.
-She merely explained. The choral work will render it necessary for her
-to go out every night--"
-
-"But, my dear--"
-
-"Don't interrupt, Archie. After dinner, you know, we really don't need
-anybody. The old rigid idea of mewing a girl up in her room all evening
-is a bit out of date--don't you think so, dear, in these enlightened
-days? And isn't it much better to know that a cook is a woman above the
-usual old-time, sordid, servant brand? Her voice is really beautiful.
-She told me that they are rehearsing the _Messiah_ for Christmas Eve. I
-was quite impressed with her."
-
-"What does she look like?" I was a bit sullen, as so much oddity
-perplexed me.
-
-"Well," Letitia replied, "she didn't expect us, as my telepathic message
-miscarried. It was a pity, after all, dear, that I didn't take your
-advice and send a wire. Anna did not wear a black dress buttoned down
-the front. Probably she will appear in that to-morrow. I found her in
-mauve silk--really magnificently made, and her hair was done pompadour.
-She looked just like one of Williams and Walker's girls in _In
-Dahomey_."
-
-"Mauve silk!" I cried in surprise, "why Letitia, just as I was entering
-the elevator to come up here, I fell against a most remarkable looking
-coon in mauve, with a veil, and a hat like the Trianon gardens at
-Versailles."
-
-"It was Anna!" cried Letitia merrily. "She had to go out very early
-to-night, as the rehearsal was called for seven o'clock. You needn't
-look so vexed, Archie. This is surely our festival time, and why
-shouldn't Anna be in it? Time enough for discipline later. You silly
-boy, to frown and pout in that way--"
-
-Letitia kissed me, and I felt quite ashamed of my momentary ill-temper.
-I must have inherited an ugly propensity for slave-driving. Here I was,
-forgetting that this was our first night at home, because, forsooth, our
-cook had gone out in mauve silk to sing!
-
-"What about dinner?" I asked, and I succeeded in smiling.
-
-"It's all right, you ravenous person," she replied. "To-night, Anna has
-provided us what she calls a delicatessen dinner. I don't know what it
-is--but I left it all to her. She suggested it, and was astonished when
-I didn't know what it meant. She told me that it is very popular in New
-York, and that she can always get us one, even if she should have to go
-out earlier. I dare say it's lovely, Archie. She has laid it out in the
-dining-room, and I haven't looked at it, because I thought it would be
-jollier for us to make our acquaintance with the delicatessen dinner
-together. Anna isn't a bit servile, or humble, and I rather like that. I
-hate to see these women cowed. Not for a moment did Anna seem cowed."
-
-My good spirits returned. After all, it was exceedingly delightful to
-listen to my loquacious little wife, as she sat there in her pretty
-evening clothes. The idea of the delicatessen dinner--whatever it might
-be--alone with Letitia, in our newly-acquired home, was simply
-captivating.
-
-We went into the dining-room, arm-in-arm, and I almost wished that there
-was somebody there to snapshot us. My wife, with her blonde hair
-beautifully arranged, and her soft, pink silk draperies, with the white
-swirls of chiffon, was a vision of loveliness; and beside her, in my
-immaculate white waistcoat and admirable _piqué_ shirt, I afforded a
-sympathetic contrast.
-
-The dining-room, with its green burlap and handsome furniture, was
-absolutely correct, and in the glow of the electric lights looked like
-fairy-land. The effect was somewhat marred by the appearance of the
-festive board. It was scarcely festive.
-
-"Isn't it odd?" cried Letitia.
-
-And it was. On a quaint little thin wooden plate, was a mound of very
-cold looking potato salad. On another of these peculiar little dishes,
-were half a dozen slices of red sausage with white lumps in it. On a
-third wooden dish reposed two enormous pickles, very knobby and green. A
-loaf of bread lurked at one end of the table. Two plates and a knife
-and fork apiece completed the service, with a pitcher of water and two
-glasses.
-
-"Where is our pretty dinner set, I wonder?" asked Letitia; "I don't
-remember these funny little wooden dishes. And--what's in that paper
-parcel?"
-
-The paper parcel, by the loaf of bread, had escaped our notice. Letitia
-opened it, and revealed an immense piece of Gruyère cheese, very hole-y,
-and appetizing looking, and moist, but appearing to lack a cheese dish,
-and the necessary table equipment.
-
-"What a strange way of laying a table!" I remarked rather gloomily,
-feeling decidedly small in my satin-lined dinner-coat, and _piqué_
-shirt-front.
-
-"It is rather like camping out," said Letitia, in a perplexed voice,
-"but perhaps this is merely the _hors-d'oeuvres_ course. Anna said
-something about an ice-box. Let's investigate, dear. It really is fun,
-though, isn't it?"
-
-Letitia led the way to the kitchen, her pink silk dress rustling
-musically. A few moments before, I had wished for somebody to snapshot
-us. But as we stood, peering into the ice-box, in our rigid evening
-dress, I felt rather relieved that we were alone. I should have hated
-Aunt Julia to have been there. In the ice-box there was nothing but ice
-and one bottle of ale, part of which had been consumed. The ice-box
-seemed awfully cold and we shivered, though we naturally shouldn't have
-expected an ice-box to be warm. Returning to the dining-room, rather
-meditative, and serious, and amazed, we sat down to table. There seemed
-to be such a quantity of table. It was almost appalling.
-
-"You must buy a plant, Archie," said Letitia. "Aunt Julia always has a
-fern, or something, in the middle of the table. It looks so dressy."
-
-I refrained from saying that Aunt Julia also had other things on the
-table. That would have been unnecessary. After all, this was a novelty,
-and it is only hopelessly conservative minds that ruthlessly reject
-innovation.
-
-And in spite of all, our first delicatessen dinner passed off gaily
-enough. In fact, the potato salad was delicious and we both agreed that
-Anna Carter was certainly a good cook. We were hungry, and the slices of
-sausage disappeared very quickly. We ate the pickles, not as a relish,
-but desperately, as solid food. They were almost a course, by
-themselves.
-
-"I'm really glad, Archie," said Letitia, "that Anna is out. This is so
-amusing, and for our first night at home, so appropriate. It would have
-been embarrassing to have had Anna hovering around, passing things."
-
-Although it occurred to me that Anna would have found very few things to
-pass, I did not say so. My mind had righted itself, and I was enjoying
-myself. The bread was fresh and appetizing. Never had I eaten so much
-bread, and with the hunks of Gruyère cheese I felt almost like a
-day-laborer. All I needed was a clasp-knife and a red handkerchief. I
-mentioned this to Letitia, and we both laughed so heartily that we
-forgot everything but our mirth.
-
-"My dear old day-laborer in a Tuxedo coat!" said Letitia.
-
-"And my dear old day-laborer's wife in low neck!" I added, catering to
-her fantasy.
-
-It really was very jolly. I don't believe that we could have been any
-jollier had there been ten courses, winding up with a _parfait au café_
-and a _demi-tasse_. Instead of these, we finished our dinner with the
-remainder of the pickles and a nice glass of cool water. Letitia drank
-my health and I drank hers. We clinked glasses in the continental
-fashion. Then we waited, for we couldn't dispossess our minds of the
-belief that there was something to follow. I wouldn't admit to Letitia
-that I felt a trifle--er--incomplete; while Letitia certainly made no
-such confession. Yet there was a something lacking--an indescribable
-finishing touch. The delicatessen dinner undoubtedly lacked a finishing
-touch. It was all beginning. The appearance of the table after dinner
-was even more eccentric than we had found it at first sight. The empty
-wooden dishes, the paper that had held the Gruyère, and the two mere
-plates, had no suggestion of rollicking dissipation. Nor did they even
-suggest an overweening domesticity.
-
-Letitia, at last, rose from the table and I did the same. I advanced to
-the door and opened it for her, and she passed into the drawing-room,
-leaving me alone to enjoy a whiff or two of my cigarette. We determined
-to keep up the etiquette of refined life in its every ramification. The
-door of the bathroom stood wide open and rather spoiled the illusion.
-But Letitia did not notice it. I saw her pass down the hall like a
-queen, her head in the air, and her pink silk dress _froufrou_-ing
-deliciously.
-
-I threw myself back in an arm-chair, and sighed luxuriously. Then,
-before joining Letitia, I donned my smoking-jacket, and felt exquisitely
-at home. This was comfort, such as the maddened bachelor, in his
-infuriated solitude, can scarcely imagine. The petty cares of life took
-unto themselves wings and fled.
-
-Letitia, in the drawing-room, awaited me anxiously. We were both
-inclined to look upon the prescribed separation of the sexes after
-dinner as a relic of barbarism. But it was a polite relic, and we had no
-intention of shirking it. She looked up from her Ovid as I entered, and
-then, rising, she threw her arms around me and kissed me.
-
-It was eight o'clock, and we had a long evening before us. I had
-promised myself a holiday from my _Lives of Great Men_ to-night. Letitia
-had guaranteed entertainment, and this took the form of reading a
-translation of Ovid, aloud. She would have preferred to entertain me in
-the original, but excellent Latin scholar though I was, I clamored for a
-translation. With one's wife, a man can be perfectly frank. Ovid, in the
-original, was a trifle--heavy.
-
-She read on, and on--and still on. "Banquets, too, with the tables
-arranged, afford an introduction; there is something there besides wine
-for you to look for. Full oft does blushing Cupid, with his delicate
-arms, press the soothed horns of Bacchus there present. And when the
-wine has besprinkled the soaking wings of Cupid, there he remains and
-stands overpowered on the spot of his capture. He, indeed, quickly
-flaps his moistened wings, but still it is fatal for the breast to be
-sprinkled by love. Wine composes the feeling--"
-
-The clock struck ten. I interrupted Letitia rather irrelevantly. "My
-dear girl," I said, "I hate to be so prosaic, but I really feel horribly
-empty."
-
-She looked at me rather oddly, I thought. "You feel empty?" she queried;
-"what an atrocious expression, Archie. If you mean by that, that you are
-hungry--"
-
-"I am, Letitia, ravenously hungry. In fact, I feel quite faint. I can't
-think of Ovid, but only of supper. Oh, Letitia, a team of deviled
-kidneys--"
-
-"Don't," she cried, "don't. I can't bear it. Isn't it disgraceful,
-Archie? I, too, am simply starving. It must be that bracing atmosphere
-of Niagara. It has made plow-boys of us. Never before have I felt that
-Ovid was a trifle--er--inadequate. Yet we have dined, Archie. We have
-partaken of a delicatessen dinner. We ate everything--"
-
-"I believe," I said feverishly, "that there was a little bread left. We
-did not eat the entire loaf, Letitia. I am quite sure that there was a
-heel--a crust--on the table. It caught my eye. Shall we--shall we go and
-see?"
-
-We went back to the dining-room, _not_ arm-in-arm. And truly enough, we
-discovered that half a loaf was indeed better than no bread. I cut the
-crust in two and nobly gave Letitia the larger piece--nobly, but I am
-bound to say, enviously. Once more I felt relieved that there were no
-camera fiends to intrude upon our privacy. Letitia, in her _décolleté_
-pink silk gown, eating dry bread with a famished expression, seemed
-unconventional. So did I, as I buried my teeth in the fresh, crisp
-crust. There was no butter. Had there been butter,--well, we should
-merely have eaten it. We drank some more of that nice cool water, that
-bubbled as I poured it from the pitcher with uplifted hand.
-
-"And now, dear," I said, "as I am going to be hungry again in five
-minutes--I feel it coming on--I think I'll go to bed, and forget it."
-
-"We--we--can't go to bed yet," murmured Letitia, "we must wait for Anna.
-She has no latch-key, and can't get in--"
-
-"Can't get in?" I exclaimed--and I'm afraid I was testy--"surely she
-intends to conform to the rules of all well-appointed establishments--"
-
-"Now you are wrong, dear," said my wife nervously. "It is not her fault
-that she has no latch-key. She asked for one. Yes, Archie, she even
-demanded it. It was very considerate of her. It is quite impossible for
-her ever to be back before midnight, and she hated the idea of keeping
-us up. It was very nice of her, and you shouldn't misjudge people,
-Archie. To-morrow, we will all have latch-keys. At present, we are
-without them, so I couldn't lend her one."
-
-"Then there is an hour and a half to wait--"
-
-"Oh, Archie,"--Letitia's eyes filled with tears--"you are getting to be
-a regular--husband! You talk of waiting an hour and a half--alone with
-me--as though it were a hardship. Oh, I'm so sorry. I never could have
-believed--"
-
-A stinging sense of remorse overcame me. I could have bitten out my
-tongue for those foolish words. I explained that it was not the hour and
-a half of waiting with Letitia that annoyed me; I protested that it was
-the principle of the thing; I insinuated that I was unstrung, and still
-hungry; I--but I fancy that Letitia understood. She smiled again, and
-declared that she was too sensitive--and also a bit hungry. So we went
-back to the drawing-room, and once more immersed ourselves in the
-intellectual contemplation of Venus, and Paris, and Cupid, and Diana,
-and Bacchus, and Thalia,--with minds out-rushing to Anna Carter.
-
-Shortly after midnight the electric bell pealed and Letitia flew to the
-door.
-
-"It's Anna!" she cried joyously, as though it could possibly be anybody
-else.
-
-Miss Carter glided in, enormous and imposing. She almost filled the
-hall. Letitia and I were obliged to lean tightly against the wall in
-order to let her pass. She surveyed Letitia's costume in bland
-astonishment.
-
-"Say!" she exclaimed, "don't you jes' look too cute for words! My! Ain't
-it stylish?"
-
-"To-morrow you must have a latch-key, Anna," said Letitia majestically.
-"You can now retire."
-
-The mauve silk dress made twice as much rustle as Letitia's. Its owner
-passed to her room, humming in a very exhilarating manner. My wife and
-I, a trifle awed, moved rather gloomily toward our own apartment.
-
-"An egg apiece, and some cawfee in the morning, I suppose."
-
-The words floated in to us. They came from Anna's room. Letitia looked
-at me, and I looked at Letitia. Certainly our handmaiden was neither
-abject nor cowed. Yet we were bound to uphold the spirit of
-independence, the very backbone of our institutions.
-
-"Anna!" called Letitia. I noticed a timid inflection in her voice but
-as I said nothing myself, I was unable to notice anything similar in my
-own.
-
-"Never call to me," Letitia ventured to remark, as cook appeared with
-her mauve silk bodice unbuttoned, revealing a pair of scarlet corsets,
-"always come. I am not at all inaccessible," she added loftily. "Yes,
-eggs and coffee will do for to-morrow. We shall breakfast at--"
-
-"Nine," interrupted Anna.
-
-Letitia pondered for a moment, and then nodded her head assentingly as
-Anna departed. I felt relieved that she left when she did. She was
-slowly disrobing, as she stood before us, and I anticipated a
-catastrophe if she remained two minutes longer.
-
-"Nine is awfully late, Letitia," I said, "I really ought to be at the
-office at eight--"
-
-"I don't want Anna to think you are a bricklayer, dear," asserted
-Letitia. "One never hears of really nice people breakfasting at such an
-ungodly hour. You see, she herself suggested nine. Evidently, Archie,
-she has been in good families. Later on, I can always explain to her
-that we desire an earlier meal. But just at first--"
-
-"But, my dear girl," I said weakly, "you are really mistaken in your
-notion that it is only the bricklayer world that rises in the early
-morning. The best people do it. Why, Gladstone was at his desk every day
-at six--"
-
-"Oh, Gladstone!" she protested with a smile, dismissing the late right
-honorable gentleman from her consideration, as though he were not a mere
-mortal of flesh and blood, with everyday sensations; "you mustn't
-mention Gladstone, dear. If you were Gladstone, you could afford to do
-as you liked--to have your breakfast at midnight, and indulge in other
-eccentricities."
-
-This was a bit irritating. Naturally, I knew I was not quite in the same
-class as the gentlemen who have made history, but one does not care to
-be reminded of that fact by one's wife. Even in jest, such a remark
-seemed unnecessary. But it was not a matter to argue. I took no further
-heed of it, and turned to the more vital question of our cook.
-
-"Don't you think that she is extremely familiar--"
-
-"Well, dear, perhaps friendly," said Letitia. "I think I prefer it to
-servility. These bashful, deferential women are probably sneaky and
-deceitful. Still, of course, I shall not permit her to be as friendly as
-she was to-night. One must have discipline."
-
-Letitia was combing out her hair before the silver, beveled mirror. I
-watched the comb as it strayed through the shining golden strands. I
-was soothed by the sight, that appealed to my sense of the artistic.
-
-"To-morrow, dear," I said, "I suppose you will give her the cap with the
-olive-green ribbons trailing the ground, and inquire about the black
-dress buttoned down the front?"
-
-Letitia was silent. She tugged at a refractory bit of hair and not until
-it had earned its right to pass through the comb, unmolested, did she
-speak.
-
-"I was thinking, Archie," she said reflectively, "that some girls attach
-so much more importance to little matters of that sort, if a man--if a
-man puts it to them. Aunt Julia has often told me that she would have
-had a much easier time if there had been a man in the house. Perhaps,
-Archie, you would like to--"
-
-"Not at all, Letitia," I remarked with emphasis, "not for worlds, dear,
-would I interfere in your household matters. It is good of you to
-suggest it, Letitia, and to permit me the luxury of meddling. But no,
-dear,"--in tones of noble self-sacrifice--"I shall refrain."
-
-"Well, then, to-morrow," she said pensively, "I will attend to the
-matter. No doubt Anna will be delighted. And, Archie, she has just the
-sort of face that would look well beneath a cap."
-
-"I didn't like her in the hat trimmed with Trianon gardens," I muttered
-with strange persistence.
-
-"Perhaps it was a bit elaborate," Letitia agreed. "But now, Archie, I'm
-sleepy, and--let us drop Anna. Next week, perhaps, I shall buy her a
-pretty little black bonnet, tied with strings, under the chin. I intend
-to treat her nicely and generously and--"
-
-"I know I shall emaciate during the night," I couldn't help declaring,
-as I switched off the light, "I'm as hungry as a hunter, and--and--we
-finished the bread!"
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER III
-
-
-"Since Eve ate apples, much depends on dinner." If Byron, whose genius
-few will deny, can make such a remark, there is no need for me to
-apologize for dwelling upon a topic that long-haired dreamers, with bad
-digestions, might call niggledy-piggledy. In fact, I have no intention
-of so doing. It has long been my idea that dinner is not so much a mere
-matter of material indulgence, as of artistic communion, to which food
-is an accompaniment. The fact that the very best music, cruelly
-harmonized, must distress--that Melba, Calvé, and Nordica warbling to a
-discordant accompaniment, would produce nausea--can certainly need no
-discussion. It is a fact that is self-evident. It has an Euclidian
-Q.E.D-ness that is instantly apparent.
-
-I told Letitia that I was not going to emulate the example of so many
-men and treat myself each day to a choice luncheon in town. That has
-always seemed to me to be a greedy process. Better--far better is it--to
-return to one's home at night, hungry as a hunter, with an appetite for
-healthful food, rather than an abnormal craving for _suprême de
-volaille_. Don't you think so? I intended to save myself up for
-Letitia--to accumulate hunger-pangs, and bring them to her table for
-artistic treatment. My wife fully agreed with me, and although I brought
-the due amount of hunger-pangs to our first dinner at home and
-discovered, perhaps, that "delicatessen" food didn't treat them quite as
-artistically as they deserved, I was not discouraged.
-
-My appetite next evening was really in a wonderfully unimpaired
-condition. I rejoiced to find that I was so healthy, and as I wended my
-way homewards, I looked longingly at mere apples in the street, while
-the peanut stands and the roast chestnut stoves almost suggested
-assault.
-
-On this occasion Letitia was not at the window, and I was disappointed.
-Evidently she was busy and unable to look for my advent. Perhaps it was
-selfish of me to expect her to dance attendance upon my comings and
-goings, but a newly-made husband is inclined to be unduly exacting. Even
-when I entered the apartment there was nobody to meet me, and it was not
-until I reached the drawing-room that I found Letitia. She was sitting
-there, looking at the fireplace that the steam-heat rendered so
-unnecessary. If there had been glowing embers there she would have been
-gazing into them. But there were none--merely gas-logs, unlighted. On
-the floor by her side was a little white arrangement, around which were
-coiled yards and yards of olive-green ribbon. Instantly I remembered
-Anna's cap. I asked myself apprehensively why it was on the floor, and
-not on Anna?
-
-Letitia's face was flushed; her eyes were red; her pose was listless;
-her manner strange. Something evil must have happened, and I sprang
-forward with the cry: "Letitia!"
-
-She started, and then came forward to kiss me. Her face felt feverish,
-and for a moment my heart stood still and I was unable to ask for an
-explanation.
-
-Letitia herself, however, came to my rescue. "I've had such a horrible
-time of it, Archie, that I almost telephoned for you to come back. Then,
-I thought you would be frightened, so I simply telepathed.
-And--and--that didn't work, so I determined to wait--"
-
-The tears rushed to her eyes. I was frantic. I had never before seen
-Letitia like this. She had been, hitherto, so impassive, so immovable,
-so admirably self-controlled.
-
-"What is it, dear?" I asked tenderly, thinking up dozens of possible
-catastrophes.
-
-"That!" she replied tremulously, pointing to the cap on the floor.
-"Archie, I bought it this morning, trimmed it with seven yards of the
-finest ribbon I could get, and then--when I offered it to Anna, I was
-insulted--grossly insulted--although--although she told me that I--I,
-Archie--had grossly insulted her. Oh, I shall never forget it."
-
-"I don't understand, dear. Please explain--when you feel calmer."
-
-"I'm calm, now," she asserted, with a telltale gulp. "First of all,
-dear, when I gave her the cap and told her that I hoped she would always
-wear it--as it matched the burlap in the dining-room so well--she burst
-out laughing. Oh, how she laughed! She put her hands to her
-sides--akimbo, I think they call it--and made such a noise that I was
-afraid. Oh, that coon laughter! And, then, Archie, what do you think she
-asked me? You would never guess. What she meant I can't quite figure
-out, but she asked me if I thought--if I thought--"
-
-"Tell me, Letitia."
-
-"She asked me if I thought she was a blooming circus! A blooming circus,
-Archie! She told me that if I hadn't a quarter to go and see a variety
-show, she would lend me one. The humiliation of it! Then she said that
-she wasn't going to do any 'vaudeville turn' here. Vaudeville turn, if
-you please, Archie. She told me that I had airs and manners 'to
-burn'--which I imagine must be slang. Nothing would induce her to put
-on the cap. She said it was a merry-andrew affair, and though I
-explained to her that in Paris such caps were quite the thing, it had no
-effect on her. In fact, she almost told me that I lied, for she declared
-that she had been in Paris herself and had never seen such degradation."
-
-"Had she been in Paris, Letitia?" I asked, surprised.
-
-"Yes, dear," replied Letitia, brushing back her disheveled hair, "in
-Paris, Kentucky. She was born there. Poor girl! When I realized that she
-was quite ignorant, I felt sorry for her. I said to her in a very gentle
-voice: 'Anna, I wanted you to wear this cap, because I thought it would
-look so well with the nice black alpaca dress that I am going to give
-you.' On the spur of the moment, Archie, I had decided to present her
-with a black alpaca dress--"
-
-"And then--?"
-
-"And then," continued Letitia, "she turned on me again. I could keep the
-black alpaca dress, she said, until she was ready for the Old Ladies'
-Home. That was the livery there, she informed me. No black dresses for
-her. Red was the only thing worth living for, she said, and mauve came
-next. She insisted that she wasn't working for black alpaca dresses. If
-she so far forgot her dignity as to go out to domestic service, it was
-because she needed silk gowns, and flower hats--"
-
-"She saw you were young and inexperienced," I said bitterly, "and she
-was just imposing. I think I'll go and have a talk with her--"
-
-"You can't," cried Letitia nervously, "she's out. Oh, I'm so glad she's
-out, for I was really frightened, Archie, and can't forget her as she
-stood there--just where you are--in an old weather-beaten black silk
-skirt with half the beads on, and a bright red jersey with half the
-buttons off."
-
-"She must go!" I exclaimed imperiously. "She must go."
-
-"No, Archie, no. The matter has been settled in an amicable way. Just as
-she was leaving me she burst out crying, and I felt most horribly
-guilty. I have no idea why I felt guilty for I had merely intended to be
-kind, though firm, as Aunt Julia said. Still, I felt guilty. Half an
-hour after she came back, quite lively, and dressed to go out, in the
-mauve silk, with the flower hat. She told me not to be angry, and not to
-worry--that sometimes when she was unstrung, she was taken that way;
-that she hadn't really meant anything, as she knew I was only joking
-about the cap and the black dress. I felt so relieved, Archie, it was a
-weight off my mind."
-
-"And dinner?" I carefully tried to suppress a few pangs that were
-rioting.
-
-"She was so upset, dear, that I really believed that she would go
-without even thinking of dinner. But I wronged her, for she didn't. She
-is not really a bad girl--merely odd, some one to study psychologically.
-In spite of her hysterical condition she has prepared dinner--another
-delicatessen dinner. I hope you won't mind, dear."
-
-I sank wearily into an arm-chair. "I had an apple for luncheon,
-Letitia," I said with a yearning for sympathy; "one apple, and nothing
-more. What did you have?"
-
-"Anna boiled me an egg," she replied; "it was really beautifully cooked,
-and I had some bread, and butter, and coffee. I wanted tea, Archie, but
-Anna had forgotten to get any in the house, as she prefers coffee. Isn't
-it funny, Archie? She says she simply can't drink tea--it nauseates
-her--and that she is quite famous for her coffee--"
-
-"Letitia," I interrupted, "I don't think I could undergo another
-delicatessen dinner. The potato salad was certainly very nice, so were
-the pickles--as appetizers. But," with a weak attempt at humor, "I
-really couldn't give them an encore. Let's go out to dinner. Let's put
-on our things, and go down to the Martin--"
-
-Letitia clapped her hands. "How gorgeous!" she cried ecstatically, "what
-a lovely idea!"
-
-"It seems silly," I said, "to abandon our home as soon as we get into
-it, doesn't it, Letitia? Here we are dining out before we've dined in--"
-
-"But, Archie," suggested Letitia triumphantly, "Aunt Julia says that
-nearly all New Yorkers dine at restaurants, when it is cook's night
-out--"
-
-"In our case, dear,"--with a little sarcastic inflection--"every night
-appears to be cook's night out. So we really ought to subscribe to a
-restaurant--"
-
-"That is unjust, Archie. We have been at home two nights only. Last
-night we really did enjoy the novelty of the delicatessen dinner, and
-to-night there is another waiting for us. If it hadn't been for the cap
-with the ribbons--which was an accident--this second delicatessen dinner
-wouldn't have occurred. And I'm sure--"
-
-"Well, to-morrow night we dine at home, Letitia," I remarked rather
-haughtily, "for I have invited Arthur Tamworth, who is quite an epicure.
-When we get back from the restaurant we will arrange a little menu, and
-Anna can then give us a taste of her quality."
-
-"And I dare say that she will," said Letitia, bestowing a kiss upon me.
-"Probably she is an exceedingly good cook. We are paying her heavy
-wages, Archie--the wages of a very good cook, Aunt Julia says. I don't
-fancy that Anna is the woman to sail under false colors--"
-
-"Unless mauve be a false color," I interposed wittily, and then we both
-laughed and good temper was restored. Like a couple of children, we went
-gaily off to the restaurant, with ne'er a thought of the cold sausage
-and the buff salad that graced our own mahogany.
-
-It was a very long and well-furnished dinner, but it was not too long
-for us. We were famished. At various times I have seen Letitia "toy"
-with her food. I have often told her that she merely coquetted with her
-meals. But now she labored strenuously, and this dinner was a serious
-affair. We were both too busy even to talk. The waiters looked at us in
-amazement, as they removed dish after dish, with naught to tell the tale
-of its quality. It was even alarming. It was not until we had arrived at
-the coffee that we paused in our mad career. Letitia glanced at me a
-trifle shamefacedly, I thought; I returned the glance, perhaps a bit
-abashed. Possibly she was vexed that she had shattered the
-rose-leaf-and-dewdrop theory, for she had certainly done so. I had never
-seen her in the desperation of hunger, simply battling for food.
-
-"We _were_ hungry," said Letitia, with a little sigh of greedy
-satisfaction, as I lighted a cigarette. And I was glad that she included
-me. It put her at ease and, as a matter of fact, I had been just as
-ardent. It was unusual--but it seemed better for her to be plural in her
-remarks.
-
-"If Anna saw us," I was puffing contentedly at my cigarette, "I don't
-think she would suggest another delicatessen dinner. Oh, those
-pickles--that sausage--the ecru potato muddle! Really, Letitia--"
-
-"I suppose that when one is positively hungry," Letitia murmured, "such
-food is trying. Few cooks, however, anticipate appetites like ours,
-dear."
-
-Once again I was included. It was quite natural that Letitia should
-arraign me with herself. But the idea dawned upon me that though I had
-done my duty to this dinner just as nobly as had my wife--her appetite,
-for a fragile girl, was really more extraordinary than was mine for a
-full-fledged man.
-
-As soon as we were home again, Letitia suggested that we start at once
-to arrange the little menu for the dinner at which Arthur Tamworth was
-to be present on the following evening. We sat in the drawing-room,
-although we should have preferred the cozier dining-room. In that
-apartment, however, the delicatessen dinner was still laid. We took one
-look at it and then fled. In our state of repletion it seemed too
-insolent to endure. Anna was not there to remove it, and Letitia's
-education was such that the sordid details of clearing a table were a
-bit beyond her.
-
-"I wish," she said, "that we had arranged this menu before dinner. It is
-hard to think up things, after one has dined so well."
-
-"Yes, dear," I assented, "soup just now is so unattractive and--er--meat
-palls."
-
-"But to-morrow we shan't feel like that," she declared triumphantly,
-"and one must look ahead, Archie. You just smoke quietly, dear, and I'll
-write out the menu. Then we'll talk it over. I shall make it out in
-French, dear. The simplest things sound almost epicurean in French. I
-shall buy three very pretty menu cards to-morrow--with little artistic
-drawings on them, one for each of us. And I dare say that Mr. Tamworth
-will like to take his home with him."
-
-"But Anna won't understand French."
-
-"I've thought of that," said Letitia, biting her pencil. "I shall make
-the list out in English for Anna, so that she can buy the things and
-serve them properly. Of course, she may know French--she certainly does
-if she has lived in good families--but I won't rely on it. Every cook
-really should be proficient in the gastronomic phrases that are so
-popular to-day."
-
-"Strange, isn't it, Letitia, that English and American menus should
-always affect French?"
-
-"No, dear," replied my wife, "not at all. We copy the Latin countries in
-all the arts. Why not in that of dining? Dining _is_ an art, and not--as
-we regard it in England and America--a mere vulgar physiological
-process."
-
-For ten minutes Letitia thought and wrote--and wrote and thought. She
-looked up at the ceiling for inspiration; she glanced at me, unseeingly,
-and when I made a face at her, never noticed it. She sat there, working,
-while I idly admired her and thought what an admirable little housewife
-she was. For such a blue-stocking, Letitia was doing wonders, it seemed
-to me.
-
-At the end of the ten minutes she had finished and, bringing her work to
-my chair, she sat on the tiger-head at my knee and announced with much
-satisfaction that her efforts had been successful.
-
-"Listen, Archie," she began, with her paper comfortably settled on her
-lap. "First of all, let me say that I have made out a very simple
-dinner. I hate ostentation and glare. My idea is to be dainty and
-unpretentious. We don't want Mr. Tamworth to think that we are living
-beyond our means, but we do want him to realize the fact that we know
-how to be refined and inexpensive at the same time."
-
-"Certainly. You are quite right, Letitia. Go on."
-
-"As _hors d'oeuvres_," she continued, "we will have olives and _anchois
-à l'huile_. That is quite enough for a little home dinner. You write it
-all in English for Anna as I read it to you. Here, take this piece of
-paper and pencil, dear."
-
-I wrote: "Olives. Anchovies at the oil."
-
-"For soup," she went on, "I shall have things that sound really much
-better than they are, as I don't want to confuse Anna. Just two soups,
-Archie, _consommé julienne_, and _crème d'asperges_. I did think of
-_petite marmite_, but there is just a chance that Anna might fail at it,
-as even in Paris none but the finest _chefs_ really succeed with _petite
-marmite_. So just put down _consommé julienne_, and _crème d'asperges_."
-
-"Beef soup with vegetables. Cream of asparagus," I wrote. "Don't you
-think, Letitia, that one soup would have been enough--one thoroughly
-artistic and satisfactory soup?"
-
-"No, Archie," she responded with some asperity. "I hate pinning people
-down to one thing--taking a tailor-like measure of their tastes, as it
-were. Doesn't it all sound horrid in English?" she queried with a laugh.
-"One might really fancy a little _consommé julienne_, whereas beef soup
-with vegetables sounds absolutely tin-can-ny, and red-handkerchief-y."
-
-I thought of Letitia at the restaurant, just one hour previously, and
-realized what absolute hunger can do for a lissome little lady.
-
-"Just one _entrée_, Archie,"' said she, "merely _homard naturel_.
-Everybody likes it, and I prefer to class it as an _entrée_. I did think
-of having it _à la Newburg_, but it is a bit too heavy, don't you think,
-dear? I don't want our dinner to be a foody affair--"
-
-"Like that we have just finished," I interposed thoughtfully.
-
-"No," she agreed rather reluctantly. "We were both disgracefully hungry,
-and--and--you needn't keep discussing that meal, for it was a meal, and
-_not_ a dinner. Now, write down, please, as _entrée_, _homard naturel_."
-
-"Natural lobster," emerged from my pencil tip.
-
-"After that, a solid dish," Letitia declared. "You see, Archie, Mr.
-Tamworth is American, and we don't want to worry him with quail, or
-squab or little unsatisfactory game. I've thought it carefully over and
-it seems to me that a tiny, dainty _bifsteck aux pommes de terre_ will
-be energetic without being squalid. What say you, boy? Don't you agree
-with me?"
-
-"Beefsteak with potatoes," I wrote glibly, but even as my pencil framed
-the words, I shuddered. After our recent heavy dinner the thought of it
-seemed so arduous.
-
-Letitia understood. "You see, it's all due to the coarseness of the
-English language," she insisted, "and you must remember that you are
-Englishing it for Anna only. I wonder," she added pensively, "if Anna
-would make us some of those _soufflé_ potatoes--you know, Archie, those
-things that are all blown out, and that seem like eating fried air. They
-are most delicate. We used to have them every Sunday at the _pension_,
-in the Avenue du Roule. However, I won't tax the girl. Perhaps she may
-give us the potatoes in that style without being told. I fancy, dear,
-that she is going to surprise us. I dare say it will be a relief to her
-to see that we really know what good living is. I shall leave the
-potatoes to her."
-
-"We may as well give her a chance," I agreed. "Personally, I would just
-as soon have the potatoes _maître d'hôtel_. It is very likely that Anna
-will prefer that method, as it is more usual."
-
-"And after that," Letitia cried gaily, "nothing, but _glaces aux
-fraises_--"
-
-"Strawberry ices," I wrote.
-
-"And a _demi-tasse_."
-
-"Coffee. It is very convenient in New York, dear," I said, "Anna will
-not have the worry of making the ices. All she will have to do will be
-to order a quart and they will send it over in a cardboard box."
-
-Letitia shivered. "Yes, I know, Archie. It is very coarse, isn't it?
-Imagine thinking of ices by the quart! Picture them in a cardboard box!"
-
-"They speak of it in the singular here, dear. It is ice-cream. You talk
-of a quart of _it_; not of a quart of _them_. It doesn't really matter,
-though. The taste is the same."
-
-"Ugh!" Letitia exclaimed, "it is very discouraging. Why people call
-delicious foods by such ugly titles, I don't know. 'A quart of
-ice-cream' has such a greedy sound, whereas 'a strawberry ice' is pretty
-and artistic to the ear. But as you say, dear, it really makes no
-difference. But what do you think of the dinner, dear? Does it appeal to
-you? After all, Archie, I would sooner it pleased you than Mr. Tamworth,
-though he _is_ the guest."
-
-"It is lovely," I said enthusiastically, "and, Letitia, so are you. And
-you would sooner please me than Arthur Tamworth, oh, most charming of
-wives? Well, you will do that, my dear. Yet I bet that our little dinner
-will be a red-letter affair for Arthur."
-
-"I shall get the menus at Brentano's to-morrow," announced Letitia,
-"some pretty little water-color, or etching, if possible. I don't intend
-to economize, Archie. Our first dinner-party--for three is a crowd,
-isn't it?--must, and shall be delightful."
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER IV
-
-
-Before going to the office next morning, I accompanied Letitia to the
-florist's. She was determined to select the table decorations herself.
-Later on, she declared, when Anna had become acclimatized and our way of
-living was to her as an open book, Letitia promised to leave everything
-to her. We were rather surprised at the cost of the flowers Letitia
-coveted. Orchids and American Beauty roses appealed to her strongly, and
-she paid no attention to less expensive blooms. Not that I minded. This
-little dinner really meant a good deal to me. Besides being a personal
-friend of mine, Arthur Tamworth was my senior partner, and it was upon
-him that I relied for the publication of my _Lives of Great Men_, a work
-that was to make my name ring through the land and perhaps, through the
-ages. In fact, I delighted to do him honor, and if my motives were
-somewhat selfish, they were not less so than those of the majority. This
-is a practical age.
-
-Letitia went home, flower-laden and smiling. She was neither when I
-returned at five o'clock. In fact, she seemed distinctly weary and her
-kiss was more perfunctory than any I had hitherto experienced at her
-lips.
-
-"Anna is so surly, Archie," she said droopingly, "that I simply can't
-cope with her. She is furious at the idea of being late at her class.
-This was to be her great night, she says, as she was to sing _With
-Verdure Clad_, and she seems indignant. I was kind though firm. I
-insinuated--though I didn't say so--that her verdure would keep, and
-that my dinner must be served properly."
-
-"Quite right, dear."
-
-"I felt it was a sort of crisis," Letitia continued, "a kind of tide in
-the affairs of the household. Then her sister came, and I suggested that
-if Anna liked, the girl could remain and wait at table."
-
-"But does she know how?" I asked.
-
-"What is there to know?" queried Letitia, with a tinge of annoyance.
-"Anybody can wait at table. It is very simple. Anna seemed pleased, or,
-rather, not displeased. But she is very sulky and I have arranged the
-flowers on the table myself. I've never worked so hard in my life and I
-feel quite tired out. But I realize, dear, that one must do something
-useful--at least at the beginning of housekeeping. I have also placed
-the _hors d'oeuvres_ on the table. It all looks very charming."
-
-"Poor Letitia!" I exclaimed, stroking her hair, "I hate the idea of your
-laboring. You mustn't do it again. I have no doubt but that Anna could
-have done it all, but as she was so cross you were right to heap coals
-of fire on her head. She is probably remorseful enough by this time."
-
-"No," Letitia remarked thoughtfully, "I don't believe that Anna has a
-remorseful nature. The colored disposition--I mean by that the
-disposition of the colored people--is peculiar, Archie. When we have
-quite settled down, I shall study Anna, psychologically."
-
-"In the meantime, dear," I said, airily jocular, "let us hope that the
-_crème d'asperges_ won't be too psychological."
-
-Letitia looked a picture in blue _crêpe de chine_, with her beautiful
-neck and shoulders emerging from one of those spidery lace effects that
-render the masculine pen impotent. Her _trousseau_ contained so many
-evening dresses that one might have imagined that our entire life was to
-be spent at night, and that morning counted for absolutely nothing. Some
-of the orchids, remaining from the table decorations, Letitia wore at
-her bosom, and one exquisite American Beauty rose nestled in the golden
-glories of her hair.
-
-"You see how economical I am, Archie," she said, "for instead of
-throwing away the superfluous flowers, I wear them. Aunt Julia says that
-the essence of good housekeeping consists in utilizing everything."
-
-We sat in the drawing-room to await Arthur Tamworth, and although we
-both made an admirable feint of ease and nonchalance, it was so
-obviously a feint that we gave it up, and simply killed time. Of course,
-we were both accustomed to dinners and receptions--in fact, we had been
-nourished on them. But other people's affairs are--other people's
-affairs. This was ours, and our first, and there is no use concealing
-the fact that we were both nervous. Letitia read Ovid, upside down, and
-seemed to derive intellectual entertainment from it, judging by her
-face. I merely looked out of the window, not to watch for Tamworth's
-advent, but because the window seemed to be such a fitting place to look
-out of.
-
-When the bell finally rang, Letitia had the decency to adjust Ovid, and
-I stood by the fireplace in an unstudied, host-like way, with my hands
-behind me, although there had never been any warmth in that fireplace
-and never would be--as long as we had steam-heat for nothing.
-
-As we waited, a colored head and nothing more popped in at the door,
-and the younger Miss Carter--for it must have been she--remarked:
-"There's a man outside who wants to come in."
-
-"Never let any one in," I said sternly, for there had been an epidemic
-of burglars, while suspicious characters simply prowled, seeking whom
-they might devour. "Always keep the chain on the door."
-
-"He says he's come to dinner," remarked the colored head, with a
-chuckle.
-
-Letitia jumped up as though shot. I felt myself redden. Under the
-caption of "man" we had not recognized Arthur Tamworth. Of course, he
-was a man in the best sense of the word, but the best sense of the word
-is not polite society's. I rushed to the door in a fever, and unchained
-it noisily. Arthur Tamworth stood outside looking just a trifle
-annoyed--but not more annoyed than I was.
-
-"Come in, old chap," I said, with elaborate cordiality, "we were waiting
-for you. The maid who opened the door was not our maid, you know--merely
-her sister--and--er--"
-
-"That's all right, Fairfax," Arthur Tamworth declared, as he shook my
-hand, "I didn't know what I had struck. Having, however, lived in New
-York all my life, I know something about the ladies who help. Hope I'm
-not late?"
-
-I insisted that this was Liberty Hall--a remark that is always supposed
-to put all at their ease. Then I escorted him to the drawing-room where
-Letitia stood, peerless in her blue diaphanous gown. Mr. Tamworth was so
-engrossed with Letitia's appearance that he did not notice the
-tiger-head, and tripping over it, fell at her feet. I assisted him to
-rise and introduced him to my wife. His fall, however, had irritated him
-a bit. He was much older than we were, being a somewhat portly person of
-fifty summers, with iron-gray hair and a florid complexion.
-
-"I'm so sorry," said Letitia graciously, "Archie and I always fall over
-that tiger-head, and have really grown to like it. But it is a stupid
-thing--very much in the way."
-
-"I always think, Mrs. Fairfax," Mr. Tamworth remarked, rubbing his shin,
-"that tiger-heads are meant to trip people up. And the worst of them is
-that they are always so hard. They must be stuffed with rocks."
-
-Letitia's delightful manner, however, soon restored his equanimity. She
-talked to him so gracefully, so appealingly, so irresistibly, that
-Arthur Tamworth was under the spell of her presence long before we went
-in to dinner. I felt proud of her as she held--in the palm of her hand,
-as it were--this worldly, rotund person. The fate of my _Lives of Great
-Men_ seemed to be settled. Mr. Tamworth did not wear evening dress, but
-affected that horrible garb known as a "business suit," with a rude,
-short coat. This annoyed me, as I was afraid that Letitia would think my
-friend lacking in respect. In fact, she looked extremely surprised when,
-just before we moved toward the dining-room, he said: "Had I known we
-were going to the opera to-night, Mrs. Fairfax, I should have dressed.
-But Archie did not tell me."
-
-"We are not going to the opera, Mr. Tamworth," Letitia responded, her
-eyes betraying her astonishment. "Why should you think so?" Then, with a
-charming determination to make him feel comfortable, she added: "Archie
-and I dress for each other. I like him better than any audience at the
-Metropolitan, and he has the same sort of regard for me."
-
-Wasn't it pretty? Mr. Tamworth remarked, "You're a lucky dog, Fairfax,"
-and then Letitia took his arm, and we set forth for the dining-room,
-cheerful and expectant. I noticed that Tamworth took particular heed of
-the tiger-head this time. The dignity of our march was also impaired by
-the fact that the bathroom door stood wide open, and if it had not been
-for Letitia's presence of mind, we should all have marched in.
-
-Nothing could have looked more fairy-like than the dining-room, except,
-perhaps, fairy-land itself. Mr. Tamworth's face expanded in a pleasant
-smile at the mere anticipation of the dinner that awaited him. The
-orchids, framed in maiden-hair fern, were exquisite, and the roses in
-long vases of opalescent glass were fragrant as well as beautiful. At
-each place was a dainty menu-card, bearing misty little water-color
-pictures. Mr. Tamworth's was called "Children at Play," which did not
-seem appropriate, but was nevertheless neat and well-done.
-
-The _hors d'oeuvres_ passed off admirably. Letitia was lively, Mr.
-Tamworth was wonderfully loquacious, and I sat and reveled in their
-clever encounters of wit. Letitia and I scarcely touched the olives, and
-the _anchois à l'huile_, but Mr. Tamworth seemed hungry, and partook of
-them as though there were nothing to follow. Then Letitia touched a
-little bell, and after what seemed an eternity the younger Miss Carter
-appeared. I could not help gasping when I saw her. She wore a
-coffee-colored dress with bright yellow ribbons, and nestling in her
-woolly hair--in the style affected by Letitia--was a rose, most red and
-artificial. On her face was a broad grin. I looked at Letitia, and saw
-that she was flushed but endeavoring to overcome her vexation.
-Tamworth's gaze appeared to be riveted upon the picture of "Children at
-Play."
-
-"Will you take _consommé julienne_, or _crème d'asperges_?" asked
-Letitia, nervously fingering her dinner-card, and trying to smile in an
-unconcerned way upon Mr. Tamworth.
-
-Mr. Tamworth selected the _crème d'asperges_; so did Letitia and I. My
-wife whispered to the Zulu in yellow: "Asparagus soup for everybody,"
-rather anxiously, and then turning to our guest tried to think of
-something to say. I say, tried to think, because, at that moment, voices
-were heard in the kitchen, which was as near to us as the bathroom. In
-fact, the voices seemed as though they were in the dining-room.
-
-"They'll all take sparrowgrass soup," said the younger Miss Carter, with
-a loud laugh.
-
-"Oh, they will, will they?" retorted the elder Miss Carter. "You jes'
-ask 'em how they're a-goin to do it. They'll take what I've made, or
-they'll leave it. I don't know nothin' about no sparrowgrass. She's
-crazy, askin' for two different soups. Here. You take in them three
-bowls o' veg., and no back talk. I'm sick and tired of this kind o'
-monkey business. You bet I am. And just you hurry, Sylvia; we're
-a-missin' all of our choruses, and--"
-
-By some horrid, demoniac freak of fate, we sat hatefully and
-relentlessly silent. In vain I tried to think up some remark--be it ever
-so banal--that would distract Tamworth's attention. I could see that
-Letitia was in the same quandary. Not an idea lurked in my mind. Even
-the weather failed. Each word from the kitchen reached us as though by
-megaphone. Letitia's lip trembled, as she sat, apparently racking her
-brain for something--anything--to say. It was too cruel.
-
-"Take in the veg. soup, and if you drop it I'll skin you," sang out Miss
-Carter.
-
-Rescue came, but it was too late. "You really have a charming little
-apartment, Mrs. Fairfax," said Arthur Tamworth diplomatically, "I don't
-know when I've seen prettier appointments."
-
-A dainty soup-plate was placed before each of us by the grinning maiden.
-Sylvia, if you please--Sylvia! It was "beef soup and vegetables" with a
-vengeance. It stood in a solid mass in each plate and there seemed to be
-everything in it but soup. It approached the spoon with glutinous
-reluctance and appeared to be begging to be cut with a knife and put
-quickly out of its misery.
-
-"Oh, I'm so sorry about the _crème d'asperges_," Letitia murmured, her
-lips parched, and a fever spot on each cheek, "I suppose that she
-didn't understand."
-
-"This is delicious, Mrs. Fairfax," said Arthur Tamworth nobly, "there is
-nothing I like better than good _consommé julienne_. I really prefer it
-to the other."
-
-We did not sip our soup, but we worked at it. It tasted like boiled
-everything, served up with the water. There were nasty little flecks of
-red and streaks of yellow in it. One expected anything, at each
-spoonful. Not if I had been starving, could I have eaten it. Arthur
-Tamworth plodded along laboriously, like a youth with his way to make in
-the world, and Letitia, as hostess, evidently felt bound by the rules of
-etiquette to do what she could. She had recovered her equanimity,
-wonderful little girl!
-
-"As we were saying before dinner," she remarked, trying not to look at
-the odious Sylvia, as she clattered away the plates, "the modern novel
-does seem to have deteriorated. If you consider all these irritating
-romances, so vastly inferior to the splendid imaginings of Dumas, you
-must admit the weakness, the effeminacy of such efforts to-day. It
-assuredly does seem as though all virility had departed from the modern
-band of so-called romance-weavers--"
-
-Letitia's effort at "polite conversation" suddenly ceased. The _homard
-naturel_ arrived and we could scarcely believe our eyes. Instead of the
-splendid crustacean that we had anticipated--the glowing macrurous
-delicacy that we had expected to see crouching in a juggle of
-water-cress--a hideous can, with a picture of a lobster on it, was
-placed before me. The can had been opened, and there, in poisonous
-looking obsequiousness, lurked our _homard naturel_.
-
-"This is absurd," I said, and my voice shook. Tamworth was an old
-friend, but sometimes old friends respond to insult, apparently
-deliberate.
-
-"I--I--can't understand," Letitia managed to say. "What--what is it?"
-
-"Simply a can of lobster," replied Arthur Tamworth, with a pleasant
-smile; "and very good it is, too, no doubt. Suppose you assist us,
-Fairfax, and cease looking as though you had lost all your available
-relatives, and your wife's as well."
-
-To say that I felt mortified was to put the matter mildly. The fact that
-Tamworth was generously trying to make the best of things irritated me
-the more. After all, at a little dinner, one does not want charity, even
-though it be supposed to "begin at home." I was too overcome to eat,
-though I saw Letitia frowning at me and noticed that she was partaking
-liberally. I was so angry that I could have torn up my dinner-card. The
-"Children at Play" on Tamworth's did not seem so awfully inappropriate,
-after all. "Children Playing at Dinner" would have been more to the
-point, though.
-
-"What are your views on the servant question, Mrs. Fairfax?" asked
-Arthur Tamworth lightly, as he toyed with a piece of what looked like
-brick-red india-rubber. "Do you know"--with a smile--"that I am studying
-it? Positively I am."
-
-A look of freezing severity appeared on Letitia's face. In a voice
-shiveringly Arctic, she asked: "What _is_ the servant question, Mr.
-Tamworth? I have never heard of it. If you imagine--"
-
-"Not at all, Mrs. Fairfax, not at all"--he made the rejoinder
-quickly--"I do not imagine that you will let it upset you. But,
-honestly, it is one of the topics of the day."
-
-"With silly women, lacking in intellectuality," interposed my wife, with
-the sublimest inflection of contempt that I have ever heard. "Brainless
-women must talk about something. They have no interest in the life
-beautiful and artistic. Rather than adopt a policy of silence which
-would effectually cover their mental shortcomings, they discuss the
-kitchen and food. At least, I am told that they do. Personally, I do
-not know. I do not associate with them."
-
-Letitia was very busy with the cold mummy, masquerading before her as
-_homard naturel_. She did not see the look of amusement on Arthur
-Tamworth's face. I saw it, however, and it was gall and wormwood to me.
-I hated to believe that he regarded Letitia as a joke. I had no sympathy
-with jokes, except when I uttered them myself, as the spontaneous
-bubbles of an exuberant spirit.
-
-"Seriously, Mrs. Fairfax," continued my guest, laying aside his fork
-with a sigh of relief that seemed to say, "well done, thou good and
-faithful servant"; "it is not only the brainless ladies who talk
-servant. Why, some of the best people are contemplating a Women's
-Domestic Guild. There is, for instance, Mrs. Russell Sage--"
-
-"Ha! Ha!" laughed Letitia. "Is she the best example you can find, Mr.
-Tamworth? I have no doubt but that Mrs. Sage, at a pinch, could cook her
-own dinner. Stew, probably, followed by baked apples. Really, Mr.
-Tamworth--"
-
-"I read an interview with a Mrs. Joseph Healey, the other day," said Mr.
-Tamworth placidly; "I cut it out. I think I have it with me. Ah,
-yes"--rescuing a newspaper clipping from his pocket--"hark at this:
-'Owing to the incompetency of servant girls, housekeepers, too, are
-compelled, more and more, to buy cooked food for their tables. The
-growth of the delicatessen business in recent years has been
-startling--'"
-
-Letitia sat bolt upright, suddenly. The paragraph seemed to sear itself
-into my brain.
-
-"'Many families,'" he went on, "'live almost continuously on ham and
-potato salad, which is usually kept in an ice-box two or three days
-until it is absolutely unfit to be eaten. The servant-girl question is,
-therefore, not only breaking up the American home, but serving to break
-down the national health.'"
-
-I tried to pretend that I was not looking at Letitia. Letitia tried to
-pretend that she was not looking at me. The dual attempt was a failure.
-We each knew that we were contemplating the other.
-
-"Perhaps it is true," said Letitia airily, "perhaps. At any rate, it
-reads well in the newspapers, Mr. Tamworth. Sylvia"--to the Zulu--"you
-can bring in the next course. It is _bifsteck aux pommes de terre_."
-
-When it arrived we would have given worlds to have been able to resume
-our discussion. It was then that we really needed to talk--and it was
-then that we couldn't! We could simply sit and gaze at the travesty.
-Conversation, which should be so serviceable as a stop-gap, failed us
-completely. All we could see was a sort of coal-black chest-protector on
-a large dish, and some boiled potatoes swimming in water on another.
-
-"She didn't _soufflé_ the potatoes," murmured Letitia tremulously.
-
-"They are not even _maître d'hôtel_," I suggested feebly.
-
-"You see," said Letitia apologetically, as I hacked at the
-chest-protector furiously, "Anna is in such a hurry to get to her
-singing class that she is at a disadvantage--"
-
-"Singing class!" exclaimed Mr. Tamworth, laughing. "How funny! I must
-make a note of it. I hope you don't mind, Mrs. Fairfax. You see, I'm
-really studying--"
-
-"I do mind," retorted my wife quite irritably. "I quite see that we have
-given you material for study. Still, it is disagreeable to reflect that
-our little--"
-
-"My dear Mrs. Fairfax," he cried, genuinely distressed, "please believe
-that I am not serious. I only want you to feel that I do not share your
-annoyance. This--why, all this amuses me. It is interesting. It is
-great. Look at my good friend, Fairfax, wearing an expression that
-suggests Hamlet in his most melancholy moment. Why? I ask you, why?"
-
-"I--I--I'm glad you feel that way about it," said Letitia, with tears in
-her eyes, "but--but perhaps, you are just pretending--to make me feel
-comfortable."
-
-"It is good of you, old chap," I muttered, feeling as abject as though I
-had just put out my hand for alms and Arthur had popped a nickel into
-it.
-
-"How absurd!" he laughed. "Why, I'm a great diner-out, and I know all
-about it, and--shall I read you a bit more about the Women's Domestic
-Guild?"
-
-"I don't think I could stand it," Letitia said tremulously. "Sometime,
-perhaps, Mr. Tamworth, but not to-night. There are still the
-ices--_glaces aux fraises_. They can't be burnt. They can't be boiled in
-water."
-
-_They_ were not. _They_ were brought on, in a dingy cardboard box,
-marked with the name of the purveyor, and the legend: "Ice-cream
-saloon--Columbus Avenue." _They_ appeared on the edge of Sylvia's
-finger, balanced by a loop of tape. The cardboard box oozed and
-perspired. The lid was stuck down. Pink splashes dripped.
-
-"Anna says to tell you," giggled the wide-mouthed Sylvia, "that she got
-American ice-cream. The French is ten cents more, and there ain't no
-difference."
-
-This time Arthur Tamworth laughed without an apology. Probably he had a
-sense of humor, and thought it funny to see my poor little exquisitely
-attired wife, sitting at the head of her orchid-laden table, and
-confronted with a question of "ten cents more." That is exactly what a
-sense of humor achieves. Again, I protest that it is a curse. Mute
-sympathy would have been more endurable than loud mirth.
-
-Letitia left us while we smoked. She did not go to the drawing-room,
-but--as I learned afterward--retired to her bedroom to weep. When we
-joined her later, her eyes were red and swollen. She had lowered the
-lights, so that this fact should not be too glaringly evident. We sat
-and talked. I will do Arthur Tamworth the justice to say that he was
-quite unperturbed and made strenuous efforts to be entertaining. But the
-tone of our conversation suggested a house of mourning. Absolute failure
-had benumbed us into a sort of mental paralysis. I kept looking at the
-clock--longing for my guest to go. Letitia yawned persistently, although
-she made brave efforts to appear alert. But he stayed until eleven
-o'clock, and when he did go, remarked, with what I thought ill-timed
-irony, "I've had a delightful time."
-
-"Never--never have I felt so small," Letitia almost sobbed, as soon as
-we were alone. "And, Archie, I feel so ill, too. That brutal lobster--I
-_had_ to eat it, and it won't digest. Capped by the terrible beef-steak,
-it has nearly done for me."
-
-"Why did you eat it?" I asked querulously, "I didn't."
-
-"If a hostess can't eat her own food, who can?" she demanded furiously.
-"I would have eaten it, if ptomaine germs had arisen from it, and
-introduced themselves. I hope I know my duty, and I hope that I am not
-weak enough to shirk it. Mr. Tamworth ate a lot of it."
-
-"He'll die in the night," I suggested cheerfully, "and then good-by to
-my _Lives of Great Men_. It was not _homard naturel_. It was unnatural.
-That being the case, you might have refused it, Letitia. It would have
-been excusable."
-
-"We won't argue the matter, Archie," she retorted, "I have my own ideas
-of what is right. To place food before an inoffensive person--though I
-consider your partner was a trifle offensive--and then reject it
-yourself, is not quite etiquette."
-
-"Would you eat it again to-morrow, under the same circumstances?"
-
-Letitia shuddered. "Yes," she said promptly. Then, "No. Yes, I would.
-No, I wouldn't. Really, I can't say, Archie. What is the use of
-suggesting such an impossible case? I think I would eat it. But I don't
-think I could."
-
-"Poor old girl!" I remarked sympathetically. "We'll try and forget it. I
-don't know how I shall dare to go to the office to-morrow, though. I
-dare say that Tamworth won't be there. He'll be in bed. I thought he
-looked rather feverish just before he left, didn't you, Letitia? His
-gaiety seemed a bit forced, and I noticed once or twice that he gasped
-as though he were in pain."
-
-"The Women's Domestic Guild!" laughed Letitia scornfully. "A nice
-subject to bring up at a dinner party! I call it indecent--like washing
-one's soiled linen in public. Of course, there are old frumps who like
-that kind of topic."
-
-"Aunt Julia?" I suggested.
-
-"I did not mean Aunt Julia, Archie. She is not an old frump, though I
-admit that it was from her lips that I first heard servant question.
-However--I wonder if we have any ginger in the house, Archie? You shall
-mix me a little. It might ward off an attack. Perhaps a little weak
-whisky and water will be better."
-
-"I'm so sorry, dear," I said. "We have discovered one thing, however. It
-is the utter incompetency of Anna. Out of the house she goes to-morrow.
-Once bit, twice shy. What do you say, Letitia?"
-
-"Will you tell her, Archie? I'm afraid I shan't feel well enough."
-
-"Tell her? Why, of course," I answered, nobly emphatic. "I only wish she
-were here now, while I have this strenuous mood upon me. Tell her? Well,
-I guess so."
-
-In fact, we both believed that Miss Carter was simply waiting to be
-told.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER V
-
-
-"What _can_ have happened, Archie?" cried Letitia excitedly next
-morning, as she entered the cubby-hole that I called my dressing-room
-and interrupted my shaving. Her face was pale and her eyes shone. "There
-is no breakfast laid, and--there is no Anna. I went to her room and
-found that she had not slept there. Evidently she did not return last
-night. Something dreadful must have occurred."
-
-I put my razors carefully away, with the deliberation that great men
-note at moments of calamity and distress. Then I followed Letitia to the
-dining-room, where there was disorderly testimony to the accuracy of her
-information. Nothing even suggested breakfast. In fact, the remains of
-last night's parody on dinner confronted us and evidently declined to
-seek oblivion. Letitia looked aghast at the débris, but as I had just
-left myself enough time to dally with the matutinal bacon and tea, I
-could not repress my extreme annoyance. I could not--and I did not.
-
-"But, Archie," said Letitia, noting my vexation, "while it is most
-irritating to find no breakfast, one must not forget that there is a
-graver problem. Where is Anna? She is a human being, Archie. We must
-accord her some slight consideration, even though she treated us so
-badly last night. She must"--Letitia's voice sank to a whisper--"she
-must have met with foul play."
-
-"I doubt it, Letitia"--I felt awfully surly--"she is not the sort."
-
-"Nonsense!" exclaimed Letitia angrily. "She was an attractive girl--of
-her kind. You may not admire her, but colored people would. It isn't
-only homely girls who meet foul play. The newspapers always insist that
-every woman who is murdered, or waylaid, is lovely, but that is only to
-make the story readable. I've often thought, Archie, that the only
-chance many girls have to be called beautiful is to be murdered. Have
-you ever heard of a typewriter girl who has come to grief, and who
-wasn't beautiful? I haven't. Some of them are regular old crows, but as
-soon as they reach the newspapers they are transfigured. Crime seems to
-be a great beautifier. Anna may have been made away with. If so, we
-shall read that she was a dazzlingly charming mulatto."
-
-"In the meantime, dear," I said patiently, "what shall we do for
-breakfast? Everything seems tragic, you know, on an empty stomach."
-
-"If I only knew how to make tea!" sighed Letitia reflectively. "I've
-often seen Aunt Julia make it, but I quite forget if you heat the
-tea-leaves and pour water over them, or if you boil them in a saucepan.
-Oh, how foolish I was to neglect these trifles! But I never thought I
-should ever have to make tea."
-
-We were in the kitchen, where the remains of last night's mock-dinner
-were even more glaringly apparent. It was sickening, in the dewy morn,
-to see the soiled dishes and the encumbered plates. There was the piece
-of lobster that Arthur Tamworth left. There was my soup, in a cold,
-coagulated mass, on the table. There was the _bifsteck aux pommes_,
-stark before us. Letitia, in a pink _peignoir_ covered with lace, tried
-to flit around, but there was no room to flit in. I experienced a horrid
-sense of nausea, and felt willing to abandon breakfast. Fortunately, we
-were both young, and had not reached that downward grade leading to a
-placid enjoyment of breakfast. It is only the more than middle-aged who
-find keen physical satisfaction in the early kipper. To the young in
-spirit, the morning meal is but a tradition, followed with a certain
-amount of sycophancy.
-
-We found some milk and eggs in unexpected places and, as I was in a
-hurry, we made a hasty breakfast. Letitia boiled the tea in a saucepan,
-and in an ecstasy of originality, suggested that we cook the eggs in
-that receptacle at the same time. It was not what one might call an
-artistic meal. The tea tasted like ink, and the sweet disposition of the
-egg was cooked out of all semblance of its own wistful, appealing
-nature.
-
-"You mustn't leave me in this unsettled state, Archie," said Letitia
-nervously. "I couldn't stand it, dear. I--I feel quite upset. We must
-look through the papers and see if anything has happened to Anna. And
-perhaps it would be a good thing to notify the authorities. Who are the
-authorities, in a case like this, Archie? Not the mayor, I suppose, or
-the aldermen; not--er--the coroner?"
-
-"Police headquarters, I should say"--a little doubtfully.
-
-"Of course, she may come in at any moment," Letitia suggested, glancing
-rather timidly over her left shoulder. "I quite dread it. Perhaps she
-will return with a battered face, or bleeding profusely from a wound. It
-would be annoying to notify--er--the--Policeman's Home, did you
-say?--until we are reasonably sure. There must be some penalty for
-uttering false alarms. Sit down, Archie, and I'll just run through the
-papers."
-
-I began to realize that Letitia was veritably wrought up, and that it
-was no use contemplating my routine at the office until some light had
-been shed upon the seemingly untimely fate of Miss Carter. So I obeyed
-Letitia and sat down, while she, somewhat feverishly, took up the
-morning papers and plunged into their labyrinthine recesses.
-
-"'Girl decapitated by Trolley Car,'" she read slowly. "Let us see now:
-'The sight seemed to infuriate the mob--car struck her in the left
-leg--beautiful blonde.' That settles it, doesn't it? It couldn't be
-Anna. The papers will certainly call her singularly beautiful, but no
-reporter, whatever his political or religious conviction, could describe
-her as a blonde. Ah, here we are. This certainly seems to fit: 'Woman
-Drops Dead in L Station--Sitting bolt upright in an elevated railroad
-station in Brooklyn, a woman whose identity had not been discovered by
-the police last night'--Archie, put on your things, and go to Brooklyn."
-
-"Is there nothing more, Letitia?" I asked, for I loathe Brooklyn.
-
-She continued, moistening her lips: "'The surgeons unable to revive
-her--Coma followed by death--Very handsome, elegantly dressed woman,
-golden hair--' Well, evidently," said Letitia, and it really seemed to
-me as though she were disappointed, "it can't be Anna. You had better
-not go to Brooklyn, after all, Archie. Here's something else. Really
-the newspapers are full of clues. 'Idiot Girl Found Wandering By
-River--'"
-
-"Read on, Letitia," I cried, "that certainly does sound promising."
-
-"'Half-witted girl discovered near the Harlem River, beneath the bridge,
-at One-Hundred-and-Fifty-fifth Street--singing snatches of
-song--muttering to herself.' The singing appears to point to Anna, don't
-you think, dear? Poor girl! Perhaps she was an idiot, after all, and we
-have been thinking such cruel things of her, just because she couldn't
-grapple with _crème d'asperges_ and _bifsteck aux pommes_. Let us see:
-'She fought desperately with the police officer--burst into fiendish
-laughter--threw back her veil, revealing dazzling beauty, dark hair, and
-face of almost appalling pallor--' That can't be Anna. I suppose that
-colored people feel pallor, but they certainly can't show it, can they?
-Here's something else: 'Scores Killed and Many Maimed in Wreck Horror.'
-Here's a long list of the unfortunates, but--the wreck occurred on the
-Illinois Central Cannon Ball Train, eighty-three miles from New
-Orleans."
-
-"I am afraid, Letitia, that nothing has happened to her," I said
-hopelessly. "I mean by that, of course, that I am afraid we shan't
-discover anything in the newspapers."
-
-"Isn't it exasperating?"
-
-"Isn't what exasperating?" I asked. "You mean it is annoying that Anna
-wasn't decapitated by the trolley car, maimed in the wreck, or dead in
-the L station?"
-
-"You are unkind, Archie," said Letitia, with tears in her eyes, "and I
-don't think this is a happy moment for joking. Of course you must be
-joking when you suggest that I am upset because--Anna hasn't had her
-head cut off. It isn't nice of you, dear. But I imagine that you are not
-quite yourself. This sort of thing does unhinge one. I wonder what we
-had better do? No, you can't and shan't go down-town, and leave me to
-receive Anna, perhaps dead on a shutter, or wet from the river, with
-weeds in her hair, like Ophelia; or--"
-
-"They wouldn't bring her here, dear," I ventured, and this time I tried
-to be soothing, for I could see that Letitia was distraught. "They would
-take her to the morgue."
-
-"Ugh!" she shuddered. "The morgue always sounds so creepy and damp. I
-can't associate it with Anna, who was so alive last night."
-
-"And so disagreeable."
-
-"Hush, Archie. _De mortuis_--you know the rest--and perhaps she is among
-the _mortuis_. I think I shall go to my room, remain there in silence
-for ten minutes, and try to impress Aunt Julia telepathically. She could
-advise us, and perhaps if she knows of the plight that we are in, she
-might--"
-
-"Aunt Julia!" I cried enthusiastically, "why not talk to her over the
-telephone? She is at Tarrytown now, and we can reach her. She is a very
-sensible and level-headed old lady. She is most practical. I dare say
-she could suggest things that would never occur to us."
-
-"Perhaps," assented Letitia coldly. "As you say, she is very sensible.
-As you imply--I am not. By all means, let us consult Aunt Julia."
-
-Poor Letitia was very inclined to be fractious, and everything I said
-appeared to tell against me. But I had no desire to add to her
-difficulties, and I explained to her what I meant. Aunt Julia was an old
-housekeeper and perchance in her long experience she had known this
-agony of the vanishing cook. If so, she would undoubtedly give us the
-results of her experience, and this might be of some service to us in
-our dilemma. It was worth trying at any rate.
-
-"You ring her up, Archie," said Letitia, appeased, as we approached the
-instrument. "A man always sounds more important at the telephone."
-
-"Not in a matter of cook, dear," I protested. "Aunt Julia will think I
-am an awful molly-coddle, if I ring her up in such a cause. No, Letitia,
-I will stand by you; I will not leave you until the matter is settled.
-But it is far preferable for you to ring up Aunt Julia. It is a
-household matter, isn't it, dear? I'll stay here, and--hold your hand,
-if you like. Now, ask for her number, and--don't be nervous."
-
-I held Letitia's hand, which was very cold and moist, and we stood
-waiting to effect a communication with Mrs. Dinsmore at Tarrytown. It
-seemed endless, and all the time Letitia appeared to be nervously
-expecting an interruption--probably in the form of Anna, either dead or
-alive, preferably the former.
-
-"Good morning, Jane," I heard Letitia say at last, tremulously; "will
-you please ask Mrs. Dinsmore to step to the 'phone? Thank you so much.
-Yes, I'll hold the wire." Pause. Letitia held the wire, and I held her
-hand. Then again: "Aunt Julia, this is Letitia--Letitia Fairfax, your
-niece. Yes. Oh, yes, Aunt Julia, I'm quite well, but something dreadful
-has happened. No. Archie is very well. It's about Anna Carter, the cook
-you got for us. Yesterday we gave a little dinner to Archie's partner,
-Mr. Tamworth. At least, I should say we intended giving a little
-dinner. We gave something, but I don't know what it was. Anna was very
-surly, and disagreeable, and to-day she has disappeared. We were not
-unkind to her; we drove her to nothing at all. We intended discharging
-her, but she has vanished. We are in a dreadful state, imagining all
-sorts of awful things. Archie thought I had better call you up, before
-he went to police headquarters. Archie"--turning to me, with horror in
-her face--"I believe I hear Aunt Julia laughing."
-
-At the telephone again: "Have the East River dragged? No, we never
-thought of that. Why are you laughing, Aunt Julia? Yes, I heard you
-laughing. Allow you to have a good time? If you _can_ have a good time,
-at our expense, you are at liberty to do so. Archie"--turning to
-me--"she says, 'Don't get huffy.' I don't know what she means. She has
-just said we are a couple of fools, and ought to be spanked and put to
-bed. Yes, Aunt Julia, I hear you. Yes. What? Will never come back? They
-often, in fact, generally, go away like that when they don't like a
-place? You are joking, Aunt Julia. I don't believe it. Wouldn't she, for
-the sake of decency, and in the interests of common courtesy, tell us
-that she was not going to return? Yes, I did look at her room, and I
-saw no trunk or clothes. Yes. No. What do you say? Archie"--reverting to
-me--"Aunt Julia says that you must be a nincompoop."
-
-"Thank her, Letitia," I murmured, unable to keep back the flush that
-mounted to my forehead. "Tell her we want advice, and not abuse."
-
-Letitia, at the telephone: "Archie says that we want advice and not
-abuse, Aunt Julia, and I must say that I agree with him. Amusing? I
-don't think so, at all. I call it tragic. Forget it, and hustle for
-another cook? If I only thought, Aunt Julia, that the case was as simple
-as that I should feel extremely relieved. Thank you. No, don't come
-in--please don't. I am quite capable of hustling, and Archie is here.
-No. Really, Aunt Julia, I wish you wouldn't call him an ass. You must
-remember that he is my husband. Even if he is an ass--which I am not
-admitting--you have no right to tell me so."
-
-"You seem to imply, Letitia," I interrupted, much hurt, "that although
-you don't admit I'm an ass, I really might be one."
-
-Letitia did not hear my little protest, but continued: "Yes, I will. Did
-you say intelligence office? Yes, I hear. Is there one in New York? Oh,
-thank you, Aunt Julia. It sounds so easy, and even delightful. One goes
-there and just selects a cook from a whole gathering of them? Aunt
-Julia, you have saved our lives. You think we are quite justified in
-believing that Anna has merely left, and has not met with foul play. How
-_should_ we know? After all, if she had told us, we shouldn't have
-detained her. We didn't want to detain her. Quite usual? I can't credit
-that, Aunt Julia. You must be a pessimist. No, don't come into town,
-dear. If we need you, we'll wire. Yes, otherwise all is well. No, there
-is no hitch. Good-by."
-
-She hung up the receiver, her face wreathed with smiles, and placing her
-hands on my shoulders, tip-toed and kissed me.
-
-"Oh, I'm so glad, Archie," she cried, "that this horrible possibility of
-crime has been dispersed by Aunt Julia. She says that it is quite the
-thing in New York for a cook to vanish instantly, almost as though she
-had been conjured away. It is the etiquette of cooks, Aunt Julia says.
-And the delightful uncertainty of their return, every time they go out
-for a stroll, makes life exciting."
-
-"I can't see anything to be pleased about, Letitia," I said rumblingly,
-for after all Aunt Julia had treated me rather badly at the telephone.
-"I would almost as soon know that Anna had met foul play, as to realize
-that _we_ have. We certainly have. We have been disgracefully treated
-by that Zulu. And you seem charmed. At any rate we should have thought
-better of her, if we knew that she couldn't come back, simply because
-she had been murdered."
-
-"Oh, Archie, I'm shocked," declared Letitia in a pained voice. "Such
-bloodthirsty sentiments! Positively, dear, I feel as though a weight had
-been lifted from my shoulders. I didn't tell you what I really feared. I
-thought that perhaps she was vexed with me for not letting her arrange
-the flowers yesterday, and that, brooding over this, she might have
-committed suicide. Yes, I thought of that, Archie, and of what a life of
-remorse would mean to both of us. That was my dread, and now Aunt Julia
-has removed it, and I feel so deeply grateful."
-
-"Perhaps you are right, old girl," I assented, cheering up, "things
-might be worse. They are bad enough, though, for if Anna marches off at
-a moment's notice like that, then they will all probably do the same
-thing."
-
-"But we shan't think that they have met with foul play," Letitia
-announced triumphantly. "We shall know that they haven't, and we shan't
-worry. That is what I like about it. Oh, Archie, I'm so glad. You can go
-down-town, now, and earn your daily bread. And I shall hie me
-immediately to--er--what did Aunt Julia call it?--an intelligence
-office and choose a brand-new cook, somebody nice--"
-
-"To wear the cap with the olive-green ribbons?"
-
-"That later, perhaps," she replied, with a bright smile. "I shan't
-insist upon it, quite at once, Archie. I never knew about these
-intelligence offices. What a splendid idea! Fancy being able to go to a
-sort of convention of cooks, select one that appeals to you, and bring
-her home. Isn't it clever? Certainly New York is the town for novelty
-and inventiveness. London and Paris are not in it. How London would open
-its sleepy old eyes at the notion of an intelligence office! I suppose
-it has never even heard of such a thing."
-
-"I must be off, Letitia. I am dreadfully late, and--"
-
-"Good-by, old boy. When you come back to-night, you'll find everything
-more satisfactory. For we'll have a cook, and a good one, and--the
-thought of Anna will be just a horrid nightmare and nothing more."
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER VI
-
-
-My prediction was fulfilled. Arthur Tamworth did not appear at the
-office. Instead, he telephoned from his house, that, owing to a slight
-indisposition, he would remain at home for the day. The clerks were
-mystified, as Mr. Tamworth had never been known to absent himself from
-his business. To me, of course, it was clear as a pikestaff and grimly I
-declined to discuss the matter with the bookkeeper. I had an odiously
-guilty feeling, and in the matter of "secrets" it seemed to me that I
-could give Lady Audley points. The day dragged horribly. I was weighted
-down by my dreary knowledge, and as I sat at my desk, the various
-courses of our distinctly coarse and brutal dinner passed before my mind
-in lugubrious procession. I felt as Mathias must have done in _The
-Bells_ with the odious souvenir of the lime-kiln on his conscience.
-However, in exultant optimism, I argued that this little "set-back"
-already belonged to the past, and I resolved to keep Tamworth's pitiful
-plight from Letitia, unless he died, victim of my hospitality. By the
-time I reached our apartment I had driven all these tantalizing
-thoughts from my mind, and when Letitia met me with a smile of
-affectionate welcome the past had been pushed back to its proper place.
-
-"Sh!" said Letitia mysteriously, with a finger on her lips, as we went
-to the drawing-room, "I've got her, Archie. She's in the kitchen
-preparing dinner, and--and--you'll never guess, dear, so I may as well
-tell you the news. She--she used to be with the Vanderbilts!"
-
-My wife was all excitement. There was a flush on her face, and I had
-never seen her look prettier. She was dressed for dinner, in still
-another evening gown, all white. There were forget-me-nots in her hair,
-and at her bosom. Letitia spoke in a whisper, as though she were afraid
-that a mere voice would startle the latest acquisition. Her enthusiasm,
-however, was contagious, and as she followed me to my dressing-room,
-where I quickly exchanged my business clothes for discreet broadcloth, I
-began to share her gay anticipation.
-
-"Yes," she continued eagerly, "I went to the intelligence office and
-subscribed. At first, Archie, I felt most mortified. A dozen servant
-girls sat there, like at a minstrel show. They seemed to be quite
-lacking in old-fashioned respect and were not a bit abashed in the
-presence of prospective mistresses. They talked and laughed, and I could
-have sworn that they were criticising _me_. I tried not to hear them,
-but I know--yes, Archie, I know--that one girl, with a face that I shall
-never forget, meant me, when she remarked to a friend, 'She's a fool and
-I'm not taking any, thanks. I hate a fool.' Of course, I pretended not
-to notice, but--"
-
-Letitia reddened and seemed to forget her present satisfaction in the
-thought of her recent humiliation. She went on: "Fortunately, I was not
-the only one who needed a cook. At least fifty ladies were there,
-looking strangely desperate. One of them spoke to me, most
-impertinently, I thought. She was a stout matron and she said to me,
-very rudely: 'Is this your first time in hell?' I didn't answer her, and
-she smiled and passed on. I heard her tell the proprietress of the
-office that she had a bicycle with a coaster brake, that she was
-willing, if necessary, to place at the disposal of her cook, but that,
-personally, she would prefer a cook who played the piano. I also heard
-her say that she, herself, would do all the work for two hours each
-morning while cook practised."
-
-"Was it a lunatic asylum, or an intelligence office?" I asked, as I
-knotted my tie.
-
-"Oh, it really was an intelligence office," Letitia replied seriously.
-"I thought that I must have made a mistake at first, and arrived at a
-wrong address. It was all so odd. The ladies seemed to be cooks and the
-cooks seemed to be ladies. Really, Archie"--with a laugh--"it was quite
-like a Gilbert and Sullivan opera, without music. I heard one lady tell
-Mrs. Jones, the proprietress, that she was quite willing to allow her
-husband to take cook to the theater once a week, but she stipulated that
-cook should not ask to go to the Metropolitan Opera House on Wagner
-nights."
-
-"Come, Letitia," I said impatiently, "I dare say you mean to be funny,
-but I do hope, dear, that you are not going to develop a sense of humor.
-You know my views on that subject."
-
-"But, Archie, this is all true. It is, honest Injun. I am as much
-mystified as you are. I thought I was dreaming, or at the theater. I
-couldn't realize that it was genuine. Fortunately for me, Mrs. Jones
-attended to me immediately. Just after I had heard the conversation
-about the Metropolitan Opera House on Wagner nights, an old, rather
-melancholy looking person came in. Mrs. Jones jumped up and said:
-'Here's the very thing for you, Mrs. Fairfax.' And before I knew it, I
-was on my way home with a cook who had been with the Vanderbilts. Her
-name, Archie, is Mrs. Potzenheimer. She's German."
-
-"So I should judge," I murmured. "Potzenheimer! Good gracious, Letitia!"
-
-"What does the name matter, you silly boy? That which we call a
-Potzenheimer, etcetera. Think of our luck, dear. On the way home, I
-remembered Aunt Julia's suggestion always to ask for references. I had
-quite forgotten all about it, stupid-like. Mrs. Potzenheimer looked very
-sad and weary, poor soul. She told me that Mrs. Vanderbilt would be
-delighted to give her a reference, but that at present she was in
-England, visiting the Duchess of Marlborough."
-
-I'm not a snob, not a bit of one. I'm a democrat to the roots of my
-hair. Still, as this reflected glory shed itself upon me, I felt a
-strange sense of elation.
-
-"Which of the Vanderbilts was it?" I asked.
-
-"How provoking you are, Archie!" exclaimed Letitia impatiently. "Isn't
-any Vanderbilt good enough for us--to get a cook from? Suppose it were
-Alfred, or Reginald, or William K. Vanderbilt. What difference does it
-make? I was so overjoyed that I felt positively pleased to hear that
-Mrs. Vanderbilt was with the Duchess of Marlborough. If she had been
-here I should have deemed it my duty to call upon her for a reference,
-and--you know what these people are--it might have been a bad one.
-Absolutely, I'd sooner have a bad Vanderbilt cook, than a good ordinary,
-plain affair."
-
-"There is something in what you say, old girl," I was bound to assent.
-
-"If _you_ think so, dear, I am quite satisfied," Letitia responded
-readily. "But there is one thing about Mrs. Potzenheimer--by-the-by, she
-suggests that we call her Nellie--that troubles me. She says she never
-wants to go out."
-
-"And that troubles you!" I exclaimed, astonished. "I should think you
-would be rejoiced. We shall feel so much safer in the knowledge that
-Mrs. Potzen--Nellie--is always in the kitchen."
-
-"But it is so sad, Archie," persisted Letitia. "When I asked her what
-night she would like to go out, she burst out crying. She said she had
-nowhere to go--that she was old, and that nobody cared for her. She wept
-for ten minutes, and I think--I'm not sure, Archie--that I joined her.
-Poor old soul! My first impulse was to ask her to come in and sit with
-us--"
-
-"Letitia!"
-
-"I said 'my first impulse,'" she went on firmly. "I never act on first
-impulses, and I did not do so this time. Just the same, I felt sorry
-for cook. Perhaps she will get chummy with the servants in other
-apartments. She seems so respectable and dresses neatly in black. A more
-striking contrast to Anna Carter could scarcely be imagined. She is
-extremely quiet, and sits down a good deal. Each time I have seen her
-she has been 'resting her bones' as she calls it. Isn't it pitiful,
-Archie, to think of such a woman being forced to earn her living,
-instead of passing her days in a little cottage with honeysuckle all
-over it--"
-
-"But there are none in New York, dear."
-
-"You needn't be so disgustingly literal, Archie," Letitia protested with
-a pout. "I say that it is a pity she can't pass her days in a little
-cottage with honeysuckle all over it, and with her grandchildren grouped
-around her knee."
-
-"Is she so fearfully old?" I asked in alarm.
-
-"One needn't be disgracefully antique to have grandchildren," my wife
-declared. "You are so old-fashioned, dear. You revel in pictures of
-white-haired, toothless, old creatures when you hear of grandmothers. If
-my grandmother were alive to-day she would be just fifty-three. She
-married at sixteen."
-
-"They always do, nowadays," I retorted cynically. "Sixteen seems to be
-the age for women to marry at when they intend to become grandmothers."
-
-"Hush!" cried Letitia, for at that moment Mrs. Potzenheimer came in to
-tell us that dinner was served. Most aged and infirm was Mrs.
-Potzenheimer, and I looked at her in amazement. She was slightly lame
-and her face was wizened and pinched. Her eyes filled with tears as she
-told us that dinner was ready. I had felt ravenously hungry, but the
-sight of the new domestic nipped my pangs. Not being wholly bad, a
-feeling of compassion took possession of me. A horrid idea that I should
-be waiting on cook, instead of cook waiting on me, almost overwhelmed
-me.
-
-Our places were laid, but the table had no other decoration than a
-bottle of Worcestershire sauce on a little mat in the middle. Never have
-I seen a bottle of Worcestershire look so funereally lonely. Robinson
-Crusoe on his desert island was a crowd in comparison. We sat down,
-depressed and gloomy. I felt that like the dove on the mast--in the
-song--I must "mourn, and mourn, and mourn."
-
-"I wonder if this table decoration is a duplicate of Mrs. Vanderbilt's,"
-I murmured, as I unfolded my table-napkin.
-
-"It _is_ strange," Letitia agreed, in a whisper. "I can't understand
-why she has 'starred' the Worcestershire sauce. It is really such an
-ugly thing, with the brick-red label and the crude stopper."
-
-"Perhaps there are some tenement-house Vanderbilts," I suggested
-moodily.
-
-"I told you, Archie," Letitia insisted, "that the Mrs. Vanderbilt who
-employed Nellie is at present visiting the Duchess of Marlborough at
-Blenheim Castle, so that settles it. She particularly said Blenheim
-Castle."
-
-Mrs. Potzenheimer brought in a seething dish of mutton stew, that
-emitted a fragrant odor. She set it down with a heavy sigh. I noticed a
-tear trickling down her cheek, and so did Letitia, for I saw my wife's
-face grow serious. It was very good stew, indeed. If we could have
-called it a _ragoût_, we should have felt more at ease. It was a stew,
-however, and, with the best of intentions, it was impossible even to
-think of it as anything else.
-
-"She is much older than you implied, Letitia," I said, as cook limped
-out of the room and we began dinner. "She really seems positively
-decrepit."
-
-Letitia sat looking at her food rather wistfully. "It is the electric
-light, I think," she whispered--the constant whispering made me
-nervous--"I admit, Archie, that she looks twenty years older, lighted
-up. In the daytime I put her down as forty. But you know, dear, I
-engaged her in such a hurry that I couldn't be quite sure. It does seem
-cruel to allow such an old woman--"
-
-"Well, dear,"--I was growing cheerful in the material comfort of the
-moment,--"we don't force her to do it. She evidently wanted a position,
-or you wouldn't have found her at the intelligence office."
-
-"She was crying when she brought in the stew." Letitia's lip quivered
-ominously.
-
-"Why should she cry?" I asked with asperity--I carefully turned on the
-asperity in order to combat Letitia's weakness. "Why should she cry? She
-naturally expects to cook. It can't be a surprise to her. She must know
-that she isn't here just as an ornament, or--"
-
-"You are so hard, Archie," Letitia faltered. "You can sit there and
-enjoy a dinner cooked by a poor old soul. Of course, I'm glad you enjoy
-it. It is better so. But still--I can't touch it. She has unnerved me.
-She must be thinking of her loved ones."
-
-"You said she hadn't any."
-
-"I didn't!" cried Letitia indignantly. "I said nothing of the sort. I
-said she ought to be with her grandchildren, and so she ought. I dare
-say she has dozens of grandchildren. Germans always have. It is their
-custom. I suppose they don't want her--the wretches--as she has nowhere
-to go. And she seems so inoffensive and simple."
-
-"Do try and eat, Letitia," I urged. "You make me feel so greedy. Don't
-be angry, dear, but don't you think it's a bit far-fetched? You engage a
-cook with your eyes open, and then you won't touch the food she prepares
-because she is old. She was just as old this morning."
-
-"It isn't her age exactly," Letitia explained hesitantly, "but I can't
-bear to see a human being in tears. Who are we that we should distress a
-nice old woman so poignantly? What right have we to do it?"
-
-I did not answer, for I thought that Letitia was a trifle exaggerated.
-However, she made a brave effort to dine, and being young and healthy, I
-was glad to notice that the succulent stew overcame her sentimental
-regrets. I fancy that she felt a little better after she had partaken of
-nourishment. Still, it was with great reluctance that she rang the bell,
-and as Mrs. Potzenheimer ambled in, Letitia was distinctly nervous. We
-tried to talk lightly during the removal of the dishes, but it was
-impossible. Mrs. Potzenheimer's eyes were suffused and she sighed
-stertorously. It was a long time before she emerged from the kitchen
-with a rice pudding. I observed that one of her thumbs was almost hidden
-in the pudding and this rather encouraged me, for I thought that it
-would vex Letitia and stem the tide of her ill-advised sympathy.
-Letitia, however, was studying Mrs. Potzenheimer's face and not her
-thumb. It is my opinion that cook's entire hand could have been
-submerged 'neath the rice and Letitia would never have noticed it. So I
-called her attention to my unappetizing discovery.
-
-"If she did that in Mrs. Vanderbilt's house," I said sternly, "no wonder
-that lady has fled to the Duchess of Marlborough, and to rice puddings
-_minus_ thumbs."
-
-"I fail to see that there is anything particularly criminal in a thumb,"
-Letitia retorted. "It is not the thumb of an outsider. She made the
-pudding herself with her own hands and thumbs. Don't be so exasperating,
-Archie. Oh, yes, I know that it isn't nice, and that it's very bad form.
-But I shan't tell her about it. I'm not going to add to her burden.
-Evidently, she feels her position--"
-
-"And our rice pudding--"
-
-"--very acutely. She seems to me like a woman who has known better days.
-Probably the Vanderbilts treat their inferiors very badly. There is
-nothing like the insolence and the superciliousness of people of that
-class. It shall be my endeavor to show her the difference. I shall go
-out of my way to be sweet and soothing to her. She feels strange, of
-course. You can go into the drawing-room and smoke there to-night. I
-shall go and see that Nellie is comfortable."
-
-It was no use arguing. I went to the drawing-room, discontentedly
-enough, and broke the rules of the house by smoking there. It was with
-Letitia's permission, to be sure, but I felt uneasy. It was the thin end
-of the wedge, and I hated to think of the whole wedge. My nerves were on
-edge and I could settle to nothing. I kept fancying I heard Mrs.
-Potzenheimer sobbing, and Letitia soothing her, with a "There now!" Even
-the unsatisfied yearning sensation that had succeeded Anna Carter's
-delicatessen dinner was better than this. We seemed to have engaged
-trouble, at big wages, and the thought was maddening. If Letitia
-Potzenheimered every night after dinner, what would become of me, I
-selfishly wondered. Of course, I had my _Lives of Great Men_, but just
-at present mere greatness "riled" me. The very thought of greatness
-evaporated in reflections upon Mrs. Potzenheimer.
-
-The clock struck nine, and still I sat smoking in solitary silence. I
-picked up Letitia's Cicero, open at _De Senectute_, and it seemed
-ominous. "Neither gray hairs nor wrinkles," I read, "can suddenly catch
-respect; but the former part of life, honorably spent, reaps the fruit
-of authority at the close. For these very observances, which seem light
-and common--"
-
-I shut the book with a bang. In sudden irritation I wondered how Letitia
-could read such rubbish. Yes, rubbish, I asserted in mental indignation.
-Thank goodness that my wife didn't hear me, and that nobody heard me. My
-mood was surely no excuse for an insult hurled at the sacred memory of
-Cicero, amiably addressing Titus Pomponius Atticus. How could Letitia
-toboggan from Cicero to Mrs. Potzenheimer?
-
-It was just ten o'clock when my wife joined me. She looked very tired
-and I saw that she had been weeping. This touched me, and the hasty
-words that my lips had formed remained unsaid.
-
-"She is asleep," said Letitia gently. "She literally cried herself to
-sleep, Archie. I insisted that she should go to bed and let me take her
-in a little dinner. She managed to eat some stew and some rice pudding.
-Her appetite was really good. In fact"--with a smile "she ate more than
-both of us together. But I fancy she did it to please me. She saw that I
-was genuinely distressed."
-
-"You shouldn't have let her see it, Letitia," I protested.
-
-"How could I help it?"--reproachfully. "She told me a good deal about
-herself. She has no grandchildren. Don't interrupt, Archie. She has no
-grandchildren for the very good reason that she had no children. She was
-married many years, but never had--anything! Isn't it odd, dear, for a
-German? She always had to earn her own living. She was a nurse girl at
-seven. How sad to think of it!"
-
-"What did she say about the Vanderbilts?" I repeat that I am not a snob,
-but one can't help being curious.
-
-"She doesn't like to talk about them, Archie. I don't know why. I
-imagine that they must be very hard to get along with. But she did say
-that the Duchess of Marlborough was crazy to take her to England.
-However, she wouldn't go; she was too old, she said, and then she wept
-bitterly. She asked me a lot of questions about the people in the
-house--which, of course, I couldn't answer. And although she has only
-been here a few hours, and has been crying most of the time, she seems
-to have struck up an acquaintance with Mrs. Archer's cook below. While I
-was in the kitchen, Mrs. Archer's cook called up the dumb-waiter. I
-heard her say: 'What cheer?' and Mrs. Potzenheimer replied, in very low
-tones: 'Rotten.' I suppose she meant that she felt ill."
-
-"What a horrid expression!" I exclaimed.
-
-"Nellie seemed rather perturbed when she noticed that I had heard her,"
-Letitia went on, "and explained that she had met Mrs. Archer's cook at
-the intelligence office. She didn't allude to the expression she used.
-When she was in bed she called for a little whisky, and I gave her
-some."
-
-"Letitia, you shouldn't--"
-
-"She hated it, Archie," said Letitia, with a wry face. "She told me that
-it positively went against her, but that she took it for her heart. She
-has a weak heart, dear. She drank half a tumblerful, as she says it
-always puts her on her feet again after one of these little attacks."
-
-"I don't like it, Letitia," I remarked suspiciously. "I don't like it at
-all."
-
-Letitia smiled and kissed me. "Of course you don't, you silly old boy,"
-she said lightly, "you've been left alone, and I'm glad you don't like
-it. I should be vexed if you did. Did-ems leave-ems all alone-ems? But
-one must do a little good in the world, Archie. Suppose you were ill in
-a strange place, wouldn't you be grateful to anybody who tried to make
-you comfortable? Put yourself in Mrs. Potzenheimer's place."
-
-"You are a foolish girl, Letitia," I declared, mollified in spite of
-myself. "But if we are going to start a Home for the Aged--"
-
-"Stop it, Archie. Now, stop it. You mustn't be harsh and unreasonable.
-What happened to-night will probably never happen again. Would you like
-me if I were hard-hearted, and cold-blooded? Think of Nellie as though
-she were your own grandmother."
-
-"Why should I, Letitia?" I asked impatiently, wound up again. "I've been
-trying to think of her as my cook. That is all I bargained to do. It is
-not likely that I should engage my own grandmother--"
-
-"Oh, you are so cross--so cross!" sighed Letitia; "I have never seen you
-so disagreeable. After all, Archie, you are a great big baby. You are
-vexed because I left you alone for a few moments."
-
-"An hour and a half!"
-
-"An hour and a half? Was it really so long? It couldn't have been. Well,
-perhaps it was. Anyway, I'm glad you missed me. It is a consolation. I
-missed you, dear. It wasn't at all amusing waiting on a lachrymose old
-woman, plying her with drink and tucking her up in bed. It was really
-most objectionable, and I'm extremely lacking as a ministering angel. I
-can't minister for a cent. But I can try, can't I? And--let's be as
-quiet as we can, Archie, and not disturb the poor thing."
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER VII
-
-
-Dismal, dreary, depressing, are adjectives that scarcely qualify the
-week that ensued. They do not express the subtile, underlying something
-that made my home almost unendurable. There was a sense of impending
-crisis that was horrible. Mrs. Potzenheimer's ailments became more
-numerous, varied, and pungent. My whisky bills were absolutely menacing.
-Letitia developed quite a _connoisseur's_ estimate of spirituous
-liquors, and the various brands of rye and Scotch, as well as of Old Tom
-and Holland in the gin list, seemed to displace her student's
-appreciation of Cicero and Ovid as light literature.
-
-On three occasions we dined at a restaurant, while Mrs. Potzenheimer
-went to bed. We generally spoke in whispers, and once, when I whistled
-_Hiawatha_, Letitia nearly grew hysterical. This was not due to the fact
-that _Hiawatha_ happened to be extremely hackneyed, but to the
-circumstance that Nellie was trying to take a nap. How I hated it all!
-Letitia was pale and looked worn, for she never went out. Mrs.
-Potzenheimer was too infirm to open the door when the bell rang and
-Letitia insisted upon doing it herself. The dinners of which we partook
-at home were invariably composed of stew and rice pudding. They palled.
-Nellie, when remonstrated with (and not by Letitia), explained that the
-Duchess of Marlborough had been so partial to stew that she had
-practically lived upon it, and what was good enough for Her Grace of
-Marlborough was good enough, she thought--etcetera. At the end of the
-week the mere thought of stew sickened me. It was a subject that I
-detested to mention and an object that I loathed to see before me. Mrs.
-Potzenheimer wept just as frequently. I believe she wept tears of whisky
-and gin. I could have sworn, once or twice, that I saw Old Tom trickling
-down her cheeks.
-
-Then came the climax. It had been a dark day. The birds were _not_
-twittering in the sunshine; the air was _not_ laden with the balmy
-perfume of a thousand flowers. I had felt a sense of oppression all day
-while at the office. I had brooded to such an extent that Arthur
-Tamworth had begged me to take a holiday. Tamworth, by-the-by, had
-recovered, I am thankful to say, and he never alluded to our little
-dinner. At first he had seemed gently reproachful but this wore off. He
-was now quite able to be up and doing.
-
-The climax, above mentioned, bore down upon me when I reached my
-apartment. There was no Letitia to greet me. The dense silence could
-almost be felt, and through it I groped my way to the drawing-room. My
-wife was there, in an arm-chair, propped up by cushions, and asleep.
-Although it was the hour when, according to our code, it was barbaric to
-be found in any but evening garb, Letitia wore a Mother Hubbard wrapper
-of red flannelette. There were traces of tears on her face; her
-eyelashes were wet; it was quite evident that she had just fallen asleep
-after some exhausting experience. Her tousled and generally dilapidated
-appearance was extraordinary.
-
-As I bent over her, she moved uneasily, and I heard her murmur: "It's
-Old Tom, Nellie. It's Old Tom."
-
-Of course, I understood. Not being like the fools in the foolish plays
-of to-day, I was quite aware that Old Tom was not a rival, but merely a
-gin. Consequently there was no dramatic situation in my mind as I mopped
-my perspiring brow. I was simply aghast at the inexplicable position of
-my domestic evening.
-
-"It isn't Old Tom, dear," I said gently, kissing her awake, "it's old
-Archie."
-
-She looked at me in perplexity for a moment or two before she disturbed
-the silence. I thought it best to ask no questions, but to let the evil
-tidings come all by themselves.
-
-"The worst has happened, Archie," she said slowly, and she even forgot
-to kiss me. "I have had the most fearful afternoon. I don't know how
-I've lived through it, and--and--Nellie's gone!"
-
-"Thank Heaven!" I exclaimed fervently. "If that is all, Letitia, if
-there is nothing more than that to account for red flannelette at six
-o'clock, I am immensely thankful."
-
-She glanced at her undignified Mother Hubbard, but did not smile. "I
-felt too worn out to dress," she said. "The mere idea of white silk
-seemed farcical. Archie, the situation is absolutely red flannelette,
-and--abominable. I feel I've aged. I must have gone white--like the
-prisoner of Chillon. Oh, I feel a hundred-and-ninety in the shade."
-
-"Calm yourself, dear," I suggested soothingly. "Perhaps if you tell me
-all about it, you will feel better. Remember I know nothing."
-
-"Poor Archie!" sighed Letitia; "it is a shame to worry you, but it can't
-be helped. Let me see how it began. Ah, yes. After luncheon, dear--I had
-some cold stew and a glass of cold water--Mrs. Potzenheimer complained
-again of her heart and I was naturally compassionate. I gave her some
-gin--Holland, I think it was, as the other was all gone. She was most
-insulting, and insisted upon having Old Tom. When I told her that she
-had finished it last night, she suggested that I run to the corner and
-buy some more. For a moment, Archie--"
-
-"No, Letitia, no," I cried in horror, "don't tell me--I decline to
-listen."
-
-"I said 'for a moment,' Archie," Letitia went on, "and if you interrupt,
-I'll say no more. For one moment, I confess, I did think that I ought to
-humor an invalid. Then I remembered my dignity, and I told her firmly
-that it was Holland or nothing. I shall never forget it--never. She rose
-and in a most matter-of-fact voice announced that her week of trial was
-up, and that she had had enough of us, that she would thank me for her
-wages, and that she was going. At first I thought she was joking."
-
-"You don't mean--"
-
-"She seemed perfectly well," Letitia continued. "All her aches and pains
-had disappeared as if by magic. She said that our house was too dull for
-her and that she had been used to life and excitement. She couldn't live
-with people who didn't seem to entertain and who never dined out. I was
-so amazed that I could scarcely speak, but I murmured something about
-her health and she burst out laughing. She said that such a dingy
-couple as we were would make any woman ill. Such ingratitude, such a
-fiendish reward for my kindness, I could never have contemplated. At
-first I refused to give her any wages, and she threatened some
-Protective Women's Association on me, and told me that I hadn't a chance
-against such an old woman as she was. So I handed out the money."
-
-"Very wrongly, Letitia," I asserted.
-
-"And if she had asked for double the amount, I should have handed that
-out, too," Letitia continued, not heeding my interruption. "She made a
-great point of the legal aspect of the case. I seemed to see a crowded
-court-room, and you, Archie, being led in as the prisoner. And--and--I
-almost heard a verdict of guilty. I tell you, dear, I was delighted to
-escape it all by means of a five-dollar bill. It seemed a ridiculously
-cheap way out of it. But that isn't all. It isn't nearly all. The worst
-is yet to come."
-
-"No more Vanderbilt servants for me," I muttered bitterly. "Hang the
-Vanderbilts and their beastly system of housekeeping!"
-
-"Archie," said Letitia mysteriously, "I don't believe that Mrs.
-Potzenheimer ever saw a Vanderbilt. I was furious with her, and told her
-that I should write at once to the Duchess of Marlborough and inform
-her of the behavior of her favorite cook. I thought that she might be
-contemplating returning to the service of the Vanderbilts. Would you
-believe it, Archie? She simply grinned in my face and mimicked me. I was
-so anxious for her to leave the house that I could scarcely wait. I
-don't think that she was more than five minutes getting ready, but it
-seemed like an eternity. After she had gone I went to my room to
-dress--don't think, dear, that the red flannelette was premeditated--and
-it was then I discovered that my diamond ring--the hoop you gave me,
-Archie--that I had laid on my bureau had vanished."
-
-"I'll go at once and get a detective," I exclaimed ferociously.
-
-"Hush," she said in a tired voice. "Six silver spoons, monogrammed
-A. L. F., that Aunt Julia gave me, your gold whisky flask, and my
-tortoise-shell comb, with the pearls and turquoises are all missing. She
-was in a great hurry to go, and I was in a greater hurry to see her
-go--"
-
-"And she was such a simple, inoffensive old woman," I muttered savagely,
-"and you hated to see her work! And you thought she should be with her
-grandchildren! And the cottage with honeysuckle all over it! And nowhere
-to go! And a weak heart! And that infernal mutton stew--"
-
-I paused in incoherent anger, only to experience a painful remorse, as
-Letitia began to sob.
-
-"That is so like a man!" she cried, turning from me as I uttered fervent
-apologies and pleas for pardon. "You are a man, after all, Archie, and I
-never looked upon you as one. I thought you were something
-better--something nobler. I was mistaken. I find--I find that I
-have--have married--have married a man after all."
-
-I was greatly alarmed. This was the first sign of the demon of
-disenchantment. Although I don't know why I was so bitterly chagrined at
-Letitia's discovery that I was a man--I nevertheless was. For the moment
-it seemed disgusting to be a man. I could have found it in my heart to
-wish that I were a monkey.
-
-"Forgive me, Letitia, forgive me," I urged, severely distressed; "I was
-wrong. I hope you'll pardon me. Don't--don't, dear--call me a man,
-again, in that tone. I can't stand it. Oh, curse this Potzenheimer woman
-who has brought us to this!"
-
-"There--there!" exclaimed Letitia, brushing away her tears and kissing
-me. "You didn't mean it, I know, but after what I've gone through this
-afternoon, I can't endure very much more. And you appeared to be
-reproaching me, as though I were upholding that villainous hypocrite of
-a woman, who seemed--"
-
-She paused, as though expecting me to add "so simple and inoffensive."
-But this time, I had learned my lesson, and I was so thankful for
-Letitia's forgiveness that I had nothing further to say. And, after all,
-I had been wrong to taunt her.
-
-"You can imagine how I felt," Letitia went on presently, "when I
-discovered the loss of the valuables. I didn't mind the whisky flask, or
-the comb, or the spoons, but the ring you gave me, Archie--it almost
-broke my heart to lose it. Just as I had made up my mind to send for
-you, there was a peal at the bell, and in stalked a woman, who said she
-was Mrs. Archer, living in the apartment below us."
-
-"How horribly informal!" I exclaimed. "How do we know anything about
-Mrs. Archer?"
-
-"It wasn't an occasion for etiquette, Archie. Mrs. Archer was in a
-desperate state. It seems that her cook spent most of her time with Mrs.
-Potzenheimer, when we were dining out at restaurants on account of Mrs.
-Potzenheimer's health. The irony of it all! Her cook was another
-antiquity, with an aristocratic record. She had come to Mrs. Archer,
-without references, but had declared she had lived with the Ogden
-Goelets."
-
-"Go on, Letitia," I said, in a Sherlock Holmes voice.
-
-"_And_ Mrs. Ogden Goelet was in Europe, visiting the Duchess of
-Roxburghe. _And_ the Duchess of Roxburghe had been very much attached to
-her, and had been crazy to take her to London. _And_ she was too old to
-go, and wanted to 'rest her bones' in New York. _And_ she was always
-ailing, and nothing seemed to do her any good but gin and whisky."
-
-"I guessed it, Letitia," I cried triumphantly; "I guessed it."
-
-"She behaved precisely like Mrs. Potzenheimer. She came from the same
-intelligence office. She left, at a moment's notice."
-
-"Taking with her a diamond ring, six silver spoons, a gold whisky flask,
-and a comb with pearls and turquoises," I went on glibly, still in those
-staccato Sherlock Holmes tones.
-
-"Or valuables to that effect," corrected Letitia.
-
-"Certainly," I assented judicially, "certainly. It is clear, Letitia,
-that these women must have been in league, and that a carefully planned
-robbery has been effected."
-
-"If you had made that discovery yesterday, Archie, before it had been
-effected, you might have done some good. Of course, it is quite clear
-to-day. A child could see that," she added impatiently. "I wish you
-wouldn't interrupt me with such wonderful deductions, dear. I dare say
-they _are_ clever, but--"
-
-Letitia's irritable tone hurt me. The pain of these incidents had been
-temporarily deadened by my Sherlock Holmes demeanor. Still, I was bound
-to confess that, as Letitia pointed out, the case did seem simple.
-
-"Mrs. Archer seemed furious with _me_," Letitia said querulously. "The
-more we discovered that our troubles coincided, the angrier she grew. At
-one time"--and here Letitia flushed--"she seemed to be positively
-suspicious. She had noticed the constant communication between the two
-cooks by means of the dumb-waiter."
-
-"The dumb-waiter seems to be a sort of hyphen, connecting devils," I
-interpolated epigrammatically.
-
-"Don't be witty, Archie. Don't even try to be witty, please. As I think
-of Mrs. Archer's attitude, when she first entered, I feel humiliated.
-She admitted that she thought Rosie was here. Rosie was the cook. And it
-was not until I told her of Nellie's departure, and the loss I had
-sustained, that her manner changed. When I mentioned the fact that I
-had missed a diamond ring, six silver spoons, a gold whisky flask, and
-a comb with pearls and turquoises, she really heaved a sigh of relief.
-She said, 'Oh, I'm so glad, Mrs. Fairfax--' and then she checked
-herself, and added that she was glad the case was not complicated."
-
-"I'll see her husband, and demand a written apology," I declared
-indignantly.
-
-"You are always too late, dear," said Letitia quietly. "Mrs. Archer
-apologized profusely. She told me that her husband had always been
-suspicious of people who live in apartments--since Dr. Parkhurst had
-bungled up New York. She was very nice. She said she could see at once
-that we were quite respectable."
-
-"How insulting!" I cried.
-
-"Insulting!" echoed Letitia. "If she had said she could see that we were
-_not_ quite respectable, then it would have been insulting. Perhaps I am
-describing the scene badly. At any rate, though it may sound insulting
-to you, Archie, it didn't to me. She didn't say it in precisely the
-terms I have used. Mrs. Archer is a very pleasant person. We grew quite
-chummy. We added up our losses. Rosie had taken three hundred and
-thirty-seven dollars' worth, and Nellie had gone off with at least seven
-hundred and fifty dollars' worth. She admitted that I was twice as
-aggrieved as she was. And I must say, Archie, I couldn't help feeling
-pleased that I had the best of her."
-
-"The best of her, Letitia? You mean the worst of her."
-
-"I don't," she insisted. "When a woman confronts you angrily and
-announces indignantly that she is a victim, it is a satisfaction to turn
-upon her, with the irrefutable evidence that she is not as much of a
-victim as you are. I felt a triumphant sense of 'There now!' Just the
-same, now that she has gone, I could cry all over again as I think of my
-loss. I put a brave face on the matter, for the sake of appearances. We
-had tea together, but when she had left, the trouble all came back to me
-and I think, Archie, that I must have wept myself to sleep."
-
-"I suppose I had better report the case," I suggested.
-
-"It will be waste of time," said Letitia. "Mrs. Archer told me so. Now
-that Rosie and Nellie have gone, she remembers reading of two crooks who
-have been robbing apartment houses lately. Like you, dear, she is a bit
-late."
-
-"I don't know why you speak so slightingly of your husband, Letitia," I
-interposed haughtily.
-
-"I don't mean to slight you at all, Archie. But you see through a case
-when it is all over, and Mrs. Archer remembers important information
-when it is no longer important. That is all, dear. Rosie and Nellie have
-probably left the city, and the state, taking care to cover their
-tracks."
-
-"Still for the sake of other possible victims--"
-
-"Never mind them, Archie," said Letitia promptly, "they must take care
-of themselves as we have had to do. Anyway, now that you are here, and
-that I have eased myself by telling you all, I feel better. And it is
-such a relief not to have a patient with a weak heart on one's hands.
-Positively, dear, I am relieved. It is as though I have shifted a
-burden. It is almost worth seven hundred and fifty dollars to feel
-comfortable. You really didn't need the gold whisky flask, and I can get
-along without the tortoise-shell comb. The diamond ring _is_ a blow, but
-I intend to forget it. I'll just put on my things and you shall take me
-out to dinner, and then we'll go to the theater and see something jolly,
-with rattle in it."
-
-"Sothern's playing _Hamlet_," I insinuated, "and Shakespeare always
-cheers you."
-
-"But he wouldn't to-night, Archie. Who shall minister to a mind
-be-cooked? One must be mentally serene to appreciate _Hamlet_. I want to
-forget Mrs. Potzenheimer, and although I adore classics, they don't
-exhilarate on occasions like these. Would you think me quite dreadful
-and illiterate, if, instead of _Hamlet_, I suggest--"
-
-"Mrs. Fiske in _Hedda Gabler_?"
-
-"No, dear, just--er--Weber and Fields'. Do you mind?"
-
-"Oh, Letitia," I said in a shocked voice, though I could scarcely
-repress a smile of joy, "I am amazed. I should never have thought it of
-you. Still, if you insist,--well, let us go to Weber and Fields'. We can
-leave when we are disgusted."
-
-"I shall stay till the end," announced Letitia firmly, "and I hope it
-lasts until midnight. That is the way I feel to-night."
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER VIII
-
-
-While a well-selected little restaurant dinner undoubtedly loosens the
-trammels of a too obdurate and persistent domesticity, the restaurant
-breakfast can scarcely be said to be conducive to an overweening
-amiability. Those who have tried it will not be inclined to dispute the
-matter. It is in the early morn that the term restaurant seems
-singularly inappropriate. The luminous, glittering, chattering resort
-where, at night, one may throw off one's care and temporarily forget
-one's home and mother, is, in the forenoon, but--an eating house. One is
-there, in vulgar materialism--to eat! The boiled-egg moment, that the
-mere ethics of good taste assign to privacy--with the morning ablutions
-and the care of the teeth--is a tragedy when translated into publicity.
-Conviviality, at the boiled-egg moment, is an impossibility. Ordinary
-courtesy is abstruse and difficult. Silence, the morning papers, the
-birth of one's daily attitude--the natural cravings of the hour--give
-way to the gloomy desolation of the public resort. Cheek-by-jowl with
-other unfortunates, in whom it is hope to discover an interest--for
-altruism is not born until noon, and mere selfishness monopolizes the
-morning hours--the meal is a detestable torture, worthy of a place in
-the catalogue of mediæval horrors.
-
-Yet Letitia and I came to it. We came to it next morning. There were no
-warm slippers for me; there was no loose dressing-gown for Letitia. We
-dressed; we put on our bonnets and shawls; we sallied forth to boiled
-egg. We were rather sullen about our sallying, and being devoid of a
-sense of humor, we saw nothing amusing in the empty glory of our
-prettily furnished apartment. I am told that the situation would have
-been saved, for the humorously born, by this mere idea. Yet I am still
-thankful for my mental inability to rout tragedy by comedy.
-
-Letitia looked at me unaffectionately; I was able to regard Letitia
-without rapture. The maintenance of the honeymoon mood is generally
-strenuous--which is not meant for cynicism--but the honeymoon in its
-most effulgent radiance must pale, as Lubin and Dulcinea seek their
-boiled egg abroad. Alas!
-
-"I dare not try it, Letitia," I said, shivering, as a morning waiter, in
-evening dress, set the terrible thing before me. "I have a horrible
-presentiment that it is bad. I don't know why, but I can't shake off the
-idea. Eggs are such a lottery."
-
-"I wish you wouldn't set me against my food," she retorted peevishly,
-slicing the top from the offensive egg and peering timidly into it. Then
-with a smile: "Perhaps it's like the curate's egg."
-
-"Don't, Letitia!" I cried indignantly, "I loathe that alleged joke. It
-is so silly and so played out. Besides, it was never meant for morning
-use. There are some things that it is criminal to jest about--eggs, and
-_Parsifal_, and cooks, and the Passion play," I added desperately.
-
-I was determined that I would not taste my egg until I saw how Letitia
-took to hers. They were probably of the same brand. It was perhaps
-cowardly of me to let a frail little woman explore the mysteries of an
-unguessed egg, but I was in a thoroughly perverse mood. I watched her
-stolidly as she dipped in her spoon, stirred up the contents, and
-transferred a portion of them to her mouth. Nothing happened. She did
-not change color and I realized that all was well. For in the case of
-the restaurant egg: _Ce n'est que le premier pas qui coûte_.
-
-The tea tasted like boiled hay. It was called English breakfast tea,
-probably because the English would never think of drinking it, and if
-they did, they would never drink it at breakfast time. But it was hot
-and wet--two qualities that are sufficient for those who have not
-mastered the sublime art of tea-drinking. Letitia scarcely touched her
-breakfast. She immersed herself in the advertising columns of the
-morning newspaper, and was quite hidden behind the sheet. I was in that
-odious humor when, to be looked at as I ate, was unendurable--something
-simply not to be borne with equanimity. I was glad that Letitia couldn't
-see me, for while she wasn't looking I did very nicely, and ate my team
-of boiled eggs with relish! If Letitia had been looking at me, I should
-have left them both. One can not always account for the morning mood.
-And yet I have never been called a "crank."
-
-"Archie," she said suddenly (and I quickly hid the egg-shells so that
-she should not remark upon my strangely-found appetite), "I think I've
-got it at last. It really looks as though there were a way out of our
-difficulties. But I do wish, dear boy, that you would try to eat."
-
-She glanced at my plate. She saw the egg-shells. The rolls, butter, tea,
-had all disappeared. I felt a flush mount to my brow. Had I been
-detected in the commission of a crime, I could not have looked more
-uncomfortable.
-
-"Oh, I see you have managed to do very well," she said in a pleased
-voice, without a vestige of sarcasm. "In fact"--with a smile--"if you
-do as well as that, without an appetite, I am quite unable to imagine
-what you would do with one. You are a healthy boy--healthy but silly."
-
-"Well, Letitia," I murmured abjectly, "you were reading, and paying no
-attention to me--I might have been down at the Battery for all you
-cared--so I had to do something in self-defense."
-
-"Don't apologize," said Letitia, and this time there was an intonation
-of ill-timed jocularity in her voice. "I am glad you were hungry, and I
-wish that I had been. I've eaten nothing, and you don't even notice it.
-You don't urge me to eat. It doesn't matter."
-
-"Letitia!" I cried reproachfully. "Please--please--"
-
-She laughed.
-
-"I'm teasing you, Archie, and I didn't mean to do so. You are such a
-lovely subject for persecution that I can't resist the temptation.
-But--bother our appetites. I have forgotten the present and am looking
-into the future. Here is a little advertisement that will, I think, put
-an end to our anguish. Listen--"
-
-She took a pencil and marked round the following, which she then
-proceeded to read aloud: "Irish widow lady, with one child, wants
-position as cook, in small refined family, of Christian principles.
-Good home preferred to big wages. Call 33 Sixth Avenue. Mrs. McCaffrey.
-Up one flight."
-
-"Archie," said Letitia solemnly, laying down the paper, "I feel
-intuitively that Mrs. McCaffrey is our fate. I read fifty advertisements
-while you were trying--I mean while you were eating" (I winced), "and I
-felt a warm, rushy sensation when I came to the name of Mrs. McCaffrey.
-I believe it was telepathy, from 33 Sixth Avenue."
-
-"Let me look at the advertisement." I took the paper, and read the
-portentous lines that Letitia had almost intoned. Then I re-read it.
-
-"I suppose that she means to bring the child with her," I suggested
-ruefully. "That is the catch, Letitia. We do want a cook, but we don't
-want a child--at least hers."
-
-"But, Archie, dear," said Letitia seriously, "we have none of our own."
-
-"How _could_ we have?" I cried, amazed and indignant.
-
-"We won't argue that point," declared my wife, quite unruffled. "The
-fact is, Archie, that we haven't any children, whatever you may say, and
-however much you may argue. Under the circumstances, I don't object to a
-cook with a child. In fact, I quite like the idea. She will be very
-much steadier and less frivolous, and--Archie, I love children. I like
-their prattle, and their cunning little ways, and--"
-
-"But," I interrupted, catching at a straw with the zest of a drowning
-man, "you notice that she wants to go into the service of a family with
-Christian principles. Now, I don't propose to saddle myself with
-Christian principles for the sake of my cook. I positively decline. What
-difference on earth it can possibly make to a cook whether she broil a
-steak for Buddhists, or Mohammedans, or Christian Scientists, or
-Swedenborgians--or even, for the Salvation Army, I can't imagine.
-Religion in the kitchen is just a bit far-fetched. I consider that
-advertisement most insulting, Letitia."
-
-"Archie, really, you--"
-
-"And I suppose," I went on, wound up, "that we should have to sing hymns
-with her every night and perhaps go to church with her on Sunday. I
-won't lend myself to such new-fangled notions. Cook is a question of
-dinner and not of religious belief. Besides, how could she know what our
-principles were? We might be atheists, and still inform her that we had
-Christian principles! I dare say that if we objected to her cooking, she
-would say we were not Christians, and if we protested at her going out
-more than eight times a week, she would declare that we were heathens.
-The child is bad enough, but the Christian principles are worse. I'm
-sorry, Letitia, but this advertisement is really a mass of palpable
-loopholes."
-
-Tears came to Letitia's eyes. They seemed to be frequently in abeyance
-there nowadays, and they grieved me.
-
-"For a couple who a few weeks ago knew nothing about the servant
-question, and indignantly scouted the idea that there was such a thing,
-we are getting on well," she said in a low voice. "You are growing
-awfully suspicious, Archie. The iron seems to have entered your soul.
-Because Anna Carter and Mrs. Potzenheimer were failures--quick failures
-I grant--you are now inclined to put every cook in the same boat. Oh,
-Archie, I'm ashamed of you. If you are always looking for evil motives
-you will find them, sure enough."
-
-She paused, and the tears welled up again. The sight was so painful to
-me that--in sheer dread of its continuance--I succumbed. That is to say,
-I had no further adverse comments to make and the field was Letitia's!
-Undoubtedly, she knew it.
-
-"You see, dear," she said in mollified tones, "you don't understand the
-probable position of poor Mrs. McCaffrey. Imagine her alone in the
-world with a child. She is poor. She must earn a living for the two of
-them. All she knows how to do is to cook. She places herself in the
-market as a cook. But there is the child! She can not smother it, and
-she must take it with her. She is therefore anxious that the place to
-which she takes it shall be respectable and--religious. I don't suppose
-that she is too fearfully particular. But naturally, she would not like
-to see the dear little thing in the house of a man who drank and swore,
-and of a woman who--well, of a woman who behaved in the femininely
-equivalent. So, just to protect herself, she says Christian principles.
-I admire her for it, Archie."
-
-Silence on my part. Letitia's triumphant logic was of course
-unanswerable. I made no attempt to answer it, and Letitia was "riled."
-
-"Do say something, dear," she urged.
-
-"I don't want to vex you, Letitia," I said, "and that is why I am
-silent. But you surely must know that men with Christian principles do
-swear and do drink. Our old servant at Oxford had thoroughly Christian
-principles, but he used to beat his wife regularly every night. The
-Christian principles were there, but they were not sufficient."
-
-Letitia knew that she had won the day and was instantly her own
-delightful, charming self. "You are splitting straws," she said, "you
-baby! I have a great mind to tell Mrs. McCaffrey exactly what you
-said--and don't believe! It would serve you right if I went to 33 Sixth
-Avenue and said, 'You'll like our home, Mrs. McCaffrey. My husband has
-Christian principles. He drinks like a fish, swears like a trooper, and
-beats his wife like a British workingman. But he is _such_ a Christian!'
-Archie, I believe you're jealous, and that's the trouble with you. You
-think that if there is a child your nose will be out of joint. Such a
-foolish husband!"
-
-And Letitia rose in her seat and kissed me over the table, although
-there were two waiters in dangerous proximity, and an enormous married
-couple, who seemed scandalized, at the very next table. It really did
-look most unseemly at such an ungodly hour of the morning!
-
-"Now confess," she said tauntingly, "confess that you are pleased.
-Confess it at once, sir, or--or I shall kiss you again, and this time
-much louder."
-
-I tried to be stern, and to recall the various grades of vexation that I
-had known since the boiled eggs were brought in. But my irritation had
-vanished. My wife, witch-like, had dissipated the mists that had
-obscured my good nature. After all, if she were pleased, why need I
-worry? The affairs of our household were assuredly hers--although, up to
-the present, I had suffered from their most uncomfortable reflection. I
-felt better. Perhaps the much-despised breakfast was, in spite of all,
-partly responsible for the mental metamorphosis.
-
-"She certainly will have a good home," said Letitia, pursuing her
-thoughts aloud, "and it is really nice to meet a woman who wants one. It
-shows a refined mood. What did Anna Carter care for a good home, except
-to go away from it every night? And Mrs. Potzenheimer? You are very
-domesticated for a man, Archie--whatever you may be, you are that--and I
-feel sure that Mrs. McCaffrey will take to you at once. And, Archie--I
-shall teach the child to call you uncle, and me auntie. It will be so
-dear and sweet."
-
-"What an absurd girl you are, Letitia," I exclaimed, amused in spite of
-myself at her ingenuous remarks. "You remind me of Dora, the child-wife,
-in _David Copperfield_."
-
-"I call that most unkind," she declared indignantly. "I always hated
-that character. Dora was such a fool that I was glad when she died.
-Please don't compare me to her again, Archie. I don't think I am a
-fool. Of course, I select a rosy outlook. I hope for the best, and I
-believe that most things are meant to turn out well. But I think I am
-most practical, and sensible, and staid, and sophisticated, and--old
-before my years."
-
-I settled my account with the persistently smiling waiter, who appeared
-to regard us as jokes, and we left the restaurant. Letitia determined to
-ride down town with me and to set out at once in quest of the Irish
-McCaffrey. I had some qualms about permitting her to meander around the
-lower extremities of Sixth Avenue in the seclusion of the one-flight-up
-resorts. But she overruled my objections in her usual vivid manner.
-
-"When you come home this evening," she said gaily, as we sat in the
-elevated train, and were whizzed south, "you'll find a nice little wife,
-a nice little cook, and a nice little child."
-
-"To say nothing of a nice little dinner," I added materially. "At any
-rate, Letitia, I do hope you'll insist that the Christian principles are
-not cooked with the dinner. If there is anything on earth that I detest,
-it is Christian food. Porridge and griddle cakes for breakfast, cold
-rubbish for luncheon, and overdone chops, followed by indigestible,
-chunky pie--that is my conception of Christian food. I can't help
-thinking that much of the immorality in the world is simply due to
-Christian food."
-
-"Stop it!" cried Letitia, laying a gloved finger on my lips. "You think
-you are getting clever. You are trying to imitate Grundy, Pinero, and
-Barrie, and I assure you that it is all lost on me. I want a cook, and
-not an epigram."
-
-"As I said," I continued forcefully and rather loudly, "much of the
-immorality of the world is simply due to Christian food. Christian food
-is easy and generally--boiled. The mistaken idea that sound morals are
-the result of bad digestion is responsible for the inartistic plight of
-England and America."
-
-"Hush, Archie!" exclaimed Letitia, looking around her nervously. "You
-talk as though you were haranguing a mob. And just the sort of nonsense
-that a mob loves, too. As for the plight of England and America--you are
-forgetting France. And look where French gluttony has led the nation! As
-for lack of morality--"
-
-"Bah!" I remarked perversely, "France's lack of morality is a phrase
-used for advertising purposes, my girl. There is a bigger lack of it in
-London and New York, but you don't hear so much about it, because it is
-ugly--like English plum pudding and American baked beans. No people can
-be really wicked who have invented the Duval restaurants. Compare the
-light-hearted, cheerful, exhilarating, comfortably-stomached Parisians,
-sitting outside their _cafés_ and sipping their _eaux sucrées_, with the
-greedy English, absorbing stodgy buns and dingy lemonade, and with the
-criminal Americans, assimilating poisonous ice-creams, and destroying
-their mucous membranes with odious candies."
-
-"At the next station I get out and walk," declared Letitia furiously.
-"I'll leave you, Archie. Your breakfast has gone to your head. What is
-the matter with you? Really, I begin to think that our domestic troubles
-have unseated your reason."
-
-The train was stopping at the Fifty-third Street station and Letitia
-rose, prepared to get out. As a matter of fact, I had been enjoying
-myself immensely. My words had been addressed to Letitia, but they were
-selfishly designed for my own delectation. I liked to hear myself
-talk--in which respect, I resembled a good many other people I knew.
-
-"Sit down, Letitia," I said, "I've finished. I just wanted to relieve
-myself of a few thoughts, which seemed relevant to the occasion."
-
-"Everybody is looking at you," she asserted in vexation, "and--I'll get
-out, Archie, if you continue. What must these people think of a young
-man, excitedly discussing the ethics of food in the Sixth Avenue
-elevated railroad?"
-
-"In a train positively littered with advertisements of food," I added
-savagely. "All around us are legends of pickles, and biscuits, and
-sauces, and catsup--and horrid things that are bought cooked, because we
-live in a country where the art is unknown, and where the cooks talk of
-Christian principles. You are not logical, Letitia. It seems to me that
-this is the very place where, if you don't think of food, advertisers
-lose their money."
-
-"Well, think of it," muttered Letitia defiantly, "but don't talk about
-it."
-
-"Following the example of English and Americans in the matter of
-immorality," I couldn't help saying. Then lightly: "Well, Letitia, you
-must admit that I am bright. You may not appreciate my clever remarks,
-but I'm sure they would make a hit in print."
-
-"Not with me, dear," retorted my unappreciative wife. "I think they're
-silly, and old, and book-y, and I like you better in a home mood. I've
-never seen you as obstreperous as this before, and it has handicapped
-Mrs. McCaffrey for me, as she was the cause of it. And now, here I am at
-my station, and--you can ride back to yours. Don't work too hard to-day,
-Archie, and take a good luncheon--something warm and nourishing. I'm
-sure that you are not quite well, and I shall call in Dr. De Voursney if
-you have any more of these alarming symptoms to-night."
-
-"One thing, Letitia," I said rather penitently, for it began to dawn
-upon me that I had made an ass of myself. "Mrs. McCaffrey advertises
-herself as a widow. Well, I want you to make sure that Mr. McCaffrey is
-good and dead, and that we don't get a cook-in-law as well as a child."
-
-And this time Letitia laughed and dropped a curtsey, as I lifted my hat
-and left her.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER IX
-
-
-Smiling, radiant, and in her prettiest evening gown--a felicitous blend
-of refinement and simplicity that the most abjectly Sarah-Jane mind
-would scarcely dare to think of as a confection--my brave Letitia met me
-as I returned from the sordid bread-and-butter struggle to sweet
-domesticity. And I could see that the dove of peace had temporarily
-descended upon my miniature household. It was Letitia of the honeymoon;
-Letitia of Ovid and Cicero; Letitia, the provocative, the mutinous, the
-delightful! It was no longer the Letitia of tinted Anna Carter, and
-bleary Mrs. Potzenheimer, and the delicatessen dinner! I heaved a sigh
-of relief as she kissed me affectionately.
-
-"They're here, Archie," she said jubilantly, as I walked into her parlor
-with elastic step, "and I had no trouble at all. Mrs. McCaffrey received
-me most respectfully--she was her own best reference--and I made my
-decision quickly. She has been here about an hour, and took possession
-of the kitchen as though she were not a bit ashamed of it."
-
-"Tell me all, dear," I asked hopefully, as I began to struggle into my
-evening clothes all laid out on the bed for me by Letitia.
-
-"There's nothing to conceal," declared Letitia amiably. "I was sorry you
-put it into my head to ask about her husband. You remember, dear, you
-insisted that he must be good and dead. And you see, I am clay in your
-hands, Archie. Poor woman! She showed me a picture of his tombstone, in
-an elegant gold frame, and then burst into tears. He was forty-eight,
-and his name was Michael."
-
-"And she spoke of him as Mike?" I interrupted.
-
-"How _did_ you guess?" cried Letitia. "Yes, she did. How she cried, poor
-soul! He was a drunkard, but very kind to her. I suppose there _are_
-really good drunkards, Archie, as well as bad ones. We only hear of the
-bad ones, yet surely some natures must be improved by alcohol.
-Evidently, Mr. McCaffrey's was. He drank himself to death and, in his
-last moments of delirium tremens, she heard him say brokenly, 'You can
-always cook for a living, Birdie.'"
-
-"Birdie!" I exclaimed, dropping my collar-button.
-
-"Oh, I was very firm, Archie. I was, indeed. I quite realized the
-indignity, the indelicacy of such a name for a cook. And it was not a
-pet name used exclusively by her husband. She was christened Birdie, and
-she showed me dozens of letters, all addressed to Mrs. Birdie
-McCaffrey. I thought it best to start in a determined way, and I told
-her that my husband was a dreadful crank."
-
-"Letitia!"
-
-"I just _said_ it, Archie, as I thought it would carry weight. I
-insisted that you would never, never call her Birdie, as you were rather
-old-fashioned. At first she was indignant when I suggested that we call
-her Mary, and she actually asked me how you would like it if she called
-you Tom. That was insolent, and I snubbed her quickly. I think I did the
-novel-heroine's act. I drew myself up to my full height and rustled away
-from her. She came to her senses and compromised on her second name,
-which is Miriam--Birdie Miriam McCaffrey. Miriam isn't so bad, is it,
-Archie? It's a bit Biblical, and has a sort of 'sound the loud timbrel'
-flavor. But I've come to the conclusion that regular cooks' names are
-not possible in New York, and Miriam might be worse. It's much better
-than Hyacinth, or Guinevere, or Ermyntrude. Imagine calling out
-'Ermyntrude, bring in the pie.' So you must really stretch a point,
-Archie, and offer no objections to Miriam."
-
-"Am I such a dreadful tyrant, Letitia?"
-
-"You silly boy," she exclaimed laughing, "don't you think it for a
-moment, dear. But with cooks, a tyrannical husband always sounds well.
-I must confess that I made you out to be most overbearing, arrogant,
-autocratic, and even insulting at times. You don't mind, dear. I thought
-it best. A man in the house, nowadays, means nothing. Men are so weak.
-But a bully--"
-
-"I wish you wouldn't, Letitia," I said irritably, "I don't fancy being
-held up as a bully. Where's the sense? And where's the fun?"
-
-"I was not thinking of fun, dear. Please be docile, Archie, and leave
-household matters to me. You won't regret it. Of course, I know that you
-are not a bully, but my cooks must think that you are one, until they
-find out what a meek, good-natured, foolish, old fossil of a silly old
-husband you are."
-
-With which she knotted my tie for me, shook me by my shoulders, and led
-me into the drawing-room.
-
-"The child!" I exclaimed. "You've forgotten the child. Tell me about
-it."
-
-There was no need to do so. Hardly had I spoken when the defunct Michael
-McCaffrey's legacy to posterity joined us in the drawing-room. It was a
-mouse-colored little brat, with hair that looked like blankets, watery
-eyes that seemed to be edged with pink tape, a sticky face and hands,
-the dirtiness of which would probably be called picturesque in Italy,
-and in somebody else's drawing-room, and the delightful aspect of those
-dear little things that play about the gutters of the east side. Its
-nose was disgusting, and when I say that I do not refer to the shape of
-the organ. The child ran up immediately to a green velvet ottoman and
-began affectionately rubbing it the wrong way with the sticky hands.
-
-"Ga-ga!" it said. "Ga-ga! Ga-ga!"
-
-"Come away!" I cried, scenting the ruin of the ottoman.
-
-"Come here, dear," said Letitia gently, but the child paid not the
-slightest heed. "I hadn't seen it before, Archie, as it was playing in
-the street when I called on Mrs. McCaffrey. It isn't--it isn't"--in a
-disappointed tone--"it isn't a bit cute."
-
-"Ga-ga! Ga-ga!" shouted the brat.
-
-"Mrs. McCaffrey must not allow the child to run wild," I said sternly.
-"We can't do with it in the drawing-room, Letitia. It must stay with its
-mother. You must insist upon that. It is certainly not an ornament to a
-room. A little cold water and some soap--"
-
-"I wonder if it is a boy or a girl," mused Letitia, as she pulled the
-hands of the brat from the green velvet ottoman to which they stuck.
-"Mrs. McCaffrey didn't tell me. How _can_ I find out?"
-
-"Ask Miriam," I said sarcastically. "She ought to know."
-
-"You can always tell whether cats are gentlemen or ladies by the shape
-of the head," Letitia went on irrelevantly, "but children are puzzles.
-This dirty little thing looks like a boy, Archie. I'm quite sure that it
-can't be a girl. I forgot to ask, and we really ought to know, don't you
-think?"
-
-At that moment a loud voice was heard calling, "Letitia! Letitia!" And
-then: "Letitia! Where on earth is Letitia?" For a minute after there was
-dead silence. Letitia flushed, and an expression of violent anger dawned
-upon her face. I was too amazed to say anything. After what my wife had
-told me of Mrs. McCaffrey's bitter antipathy to a change of name, this
-looked like revenge. She undoubtedly proposed to show Letitia that she
-had no intention of changing _her_ name. The child ran quickly to its
-mother, and we were left alone, in a tumult of astonishment.
-
-"You must go and veto that, instantly, Letitia," I asserted gravely.
-"Stop it at once, before--before she calls me Archie. She'll do it. I
-know she will."
-
-"You go," pleaded Letitia in fervent tones. "Do it for me, Archie. I've
-done so much."
-
-"No," I declared relentlessly, "I will not interfere in household
-matters. You have asked me not to do so. You can tell her again that I
-am a bully, and a tyrant, and anything you choose. It sounds well, you
-know. You can put it all down to me, and inform her that if she dares to
-use your Christian name again she can depart to No. 33 Sixth Avenue, up
-one flight--or two flights--or any number of flights."
-
-Letitia scarcely waited until I had finished my chaste remarks. She flew
-out of the room as though she had been shot, with the evident intention
-of striking while the iron was heated. I closed the door because I had
-no desire to hear. Perhaps it was an act of cowardice on my part, but,
-after all, Letitia herself absolved me from implicating myself in these
-matters. She had asked me to leave everything to her, and I had no
-intention of thwarting her in this instance.
-
-She returned presently, looking completely relieved. There was even a
-smile upon her lips.
-
-"How silly we were, Archie!" she said, sinking into a chair, "and how
-ready we were to think the worst of a poor, hard-working woman. She
-wasn't calling me at all. She heard the child in the drawing-room, and
-was calling the child. It _is_ a girl, Archie, and its name is Letitia."
-
-"Letitia!" I gasped. "That beastly, sticky, obnoxious little imp is
-named Letitia?"
-
-"Is it such a fearful name?" she asked quickly. "I can't say you are
-complimentary, Archie. Of course, Mrs. McCaffrey didn't know that the
-child was going to be 'beastly,' 'sticky,' and 'obnoxious' when she
-called it Letitia. How should she? I felt quite amused, as it is such a
-strange name to have selected. And yet, it is not at all an
-extraordinary name when you come to think of it. I know several
-Letitias, and I have read of many more."
-
-"Do be sensible, my girl," I said, trying to be patient. "Surely you
-must see that we can't have this woman calling Letitia all over the
-house, when it happens to be the name of the mistress."
-
-"But what's to be done?" she asked. "If you are going to suggest that I
-ask Mrs. McCaffrey to change her daughter's name to Eliza, or Susan, or
-Sarah--well, I simply decline. Nothing on earth would induce me to do
-it. I made her consent to be known as Miriam, instead of Birdie, which
-was quite an undertaking. No more of it for me, thank you. I've finished
-juggling with these baptismal arrangements. You are most unreasonable.
-What difference can it make? As long as I don't mind, I can't see why
-you object. And--and--if there must be a change of name, I'd sooner
-change mine. Yes, I would, Archie. You can call me Sarah, or Eliza, or
-Susan, if you like. But I will _not_ ask Mrs. McCaffrey to forego the
-pleasure of calling her own child by its own legitimate name."
-
-"I certainly shall _never_ call you Eliza, Letitia," I protested
-indignantly, "I loathe all those names. If you had been called Eliza, or
-Sarah, or Susan--or even Kate--I wouldn't have married you. I feel very
-strongly on the subject. Please don't suggest such ridiculous things."
-
-"Well," said Letitia, and the tears rose to her eyes, "can't you--can't
-you--address me as 'dear,' or 'love,' as much as possible? You are
-awfully fond of calling me 'my girl,' you know. It would simplify
-matters so much, if you could do this, Archie. Please do. It can't be
-difficult, as you do it so frequently, and now when you know that it is
-really necessary--"
-
-"It seems such a dreadful shame to give up the name of Letitia, which is
-charming, just for the sake of this woman's squalid little cub. It's an
-outrage. I'm surprised at you, my girl."
-
-"There! You said 'my girl,'" she cried triumphantly. "Now, wasn't it
-easy?'
-
-"I didn't know I said it," was my stern rejoinder, "and I assure you
-that I don't intend to make any point of it. I shall do as I choose and,
-anyway, if that brat is kept out of sight and hearing--and that you must
-insist upon--we shall not be seriously inconvenienced. The lower
-classes to-day are simply impossible. They--"
-
-"Hush, Archie!" said Letitia earnestly. "You forget that there are no
-lower classes. You are in the United States, and not in England. Try and
-remember that Michael McCaffrey's child is just as suited to the name of
-Letitia, as is the wife of Archibald Fairfax, a gentleman who is still
-silly enough to tack an 'Esq.' to his name."
-
-"Dinner's on table," said a rich, Hibernian voice at the door, and we
-guiltily stopped short. Mrs. McCaffrey stood there eying me
-contemplatively, and even from the cursory glance she was able to take,
-I felt perfectly sure that she instantly realized the fact that
-Letitia's stories of the bully and tyrant that dominated the household,
-were undoubted myths. She was a large lady, neatly dressed. Indications
-seemed to point to her possession of what is popularly known as a
-"temper." And perhaps the late Mr. Michael McCaffrey was fully aware of
-what he was doing when he drank himself to death.
-
-It was a cozy little dinner of barley soup, very appetizing; a tender
-chicken, ably accompanied with parsley sauce; vegetables, and a fruit
-pie. But its enjoyment was effectually marred by the circumstance that
-Miriam was accompanied to the dining-room by Letitia, who was growing
-peevish, and whose "Ga-ga!" simply got on my nerves. It was most
-discouraging. Tugging at cook's apron incessantly, Letitia junior was an
-irritating obstruction. We could scarcely hear ourselves talk for the
-perpetual "Ga-ga!" in the kitchen, and out of it. It was all that the
-cub could say. Mrs. McCaffrey would exclaim indulgently, "Be quiet,
-Letitia!" And then, for a moment, my wife would look at her in
-amazement, while I bit my lip in vexation. I was unable to decide as to
-whether Anna Carter's delicatessen dinner, without "Ga-ga!" was superior
-or inferior to Mrs. McCaffrey's comfortable meal with it. It was a nice
-point, and one that called for a deft and finely calculated judgment.
-
-"I've got two Letitias now to wait on, I see," said cook pleasantly, as
-she brought in the pie, while the child looked at it covetously and said
-"Ga-ga!"
-
-"And if you could manage to keep one of them in the kitchen, my good
-woman," I plucked up courage enough to say, "we should appreciate it."
-
-This was a mistake on my part. A few seconds later, doleful sounds
-proceeded from Mrs. McCaffrey's region. We heard her slapping the child,
-and alluding to it as a plague, and--that settled Letitia.
-
-"Now see what you've done," she said, casting indignant glances at me.
-"You have positively driven the poor mother to abuse her own child. You
-are countenancing cruelty. I couldn't stand it for a moment, Archie. The
-child has done nothing. It has merely followed cook into this room,
-which was quite natural. It has said nothing."
-
-"Pardon me," I interrupted, in vexation, "it has said 'Ga-ga!' It has
-said 'Ga-ga!' persistently, and while you may consider that enlivening,
-Letitia, I don't. If I had a child of my own, nothing on earth would
-induce me to allow it to say 'Ga-ga!' It is most disheartening."
-
-"Well, I shall teach it to say something prettier," Letitia declared. "I
-admit that 'Ga-ga!' isn't cunning, all the time. Once or twice, perhaps,
-it is not amiss. In the meantime, if Mrs. McCaffrey slaps little
-Letitia--my namesake, isn't she, Archie?--out of the house she goes. I'd
-sooner she ill-treated big Letitia. And you are so tender-hearted that I
-wonder you can sit there so quietly--like a--like a--monster--"
-
-Letitia rose and went into the kitchen. I fancied that I heard her
-kissing Mrs. McCaffrey's cub, but I could not be sure--and preferred
-_not_ to be sure. It was a point upon which I desired no illumination.
-It was one of the many things that it is better not to know. Sullenly, I
-finished my dinner alone, while Letitia talked with cook. It seemed like
-an endless conversation. These kitchen interludes began to pall upon
-me. Letitia was either putting a cook to bed or discussing maternity
-with her. There seemed to be no escape from this preposterous condition
-of affairs. If I had slapped Letitia, Mrs. McCaffrey would probably have
-been up in arms about Christian principles. However, it was like the
-case of my old Oxford servant, before mentioned, who was such a
-Christian that he used to beat his wife punctually at ten o'clock every
-night. Not that she minded in the least. My own opinion is that she
-liked it, as Mrs. McCaffrey's child probably did. In this, as in many
-other matters, there is no accounting for taste.
-
-I went moodily to the drawing-room and smoked viciously. I made "rings,"
-and watched them dissolve in the atmosphere. I contrasted what was, with
-what should be. The scene lacked the placid picture of Letitia reading
-Cicero beneath the rosy lamplight. Letitia was haranguing a cook and her
-husband was temporarily forgotten. No wonder that I felt bitter, and
-brooded over the unsolved enigma known as the "servant question."
-
-When Letitia joined me, she led in the dirty brat by the hand. The
-juvenile McCaffrey had evidently been washed. There was a line round its
-neck that showed the limit of the operation. It had a sugar stick in
-its mouth, which mercifully excluded "Ga-ga!" from utterance. Letitia
-seemed rather thoughtful, and came up to me gently.
-
-"I'm sorry if I spoke harshly," she said, kissing me, "but--but--things
-do seem to go so wrong, dear, don't they? I told Mrs. McCaffrey never to
-touch her child again, and I asked her about her Christian principles."
-
-"Good!" I exclaimed savagely.
-
-"She was rather surprised, and a trifle impertinent, and thought that
-ladies without children should not offer advice to mothers. From a few
-remarks that she let drop unconsciously, I couldn't help thinking,
-Archie, that she has had other children--plenty of them--dozens--"
-
-"Let us hope that they are dead," I said, in the quietude of despair.
-
-"Anyway, they don't matter, do they, as they are not here? Certainly,
-Archie, I don't see why she shouldn't have had other children. Letitia
-doesn't look to me like a first-born. She suggests the end of a long
-scale--the culmination of a series. I don't know why. It doesn't concern
-us, though. I have offered to take care of the child this evening as
-Mrs. McCaffrey is going to see a sister who lives in Tremont. I
-couldn't well refuse, could I? We are not going out."
-
-"Oh, hang it!" I cried. "An evening of 'Ga-ga!' You might have
-considered _me_. It is all very well to think so much of Mrs. McCaffrey.
-But, of course, _I_ haven't a sister in Tremont, and _I've_ got to stay
-in and face the music."
-
-"Archie! Archie!" Letitia pleaded, "you are getting to be a regular old,
-discontented, married man. You are beginning to talk to me as though--as
-though I irritated you, and you couldn't stand me. Oh, dear! I should
-never, never have thought that merely on account of a cook--"
-
-"Of three cooks!" I insisted.
-
-Letitia turned away from me, looking miserable, and my heart smote me.
-The only thing to do was to make the best of it, after all. I had a
-particular objection to degenerating into an ogre-husband, and probably
-I had been exceedingly cross. Yet this situation was not due to Letitia
-any more than it was to me. It was due to the probably noisome Mr.
-McCaffrey, now defunct. He was responsible for the abominable child, and
-had gone peacefully to his rest without a qualm. Even cook, herself, was
-powerless. Domesticity was not all beer and skittles. So I smiled, and
-tried to look pleasantly at the brat. It was not an easy task,
-especially when I heard the front door shut and realized that the
-cook-parent was on her way to Tremont, and our fate was "Ga-ga!" until
-bed did us part. The child was eating the sugar sticks avidly, and was
-refreshingly tranquil and silent. I took up an evening paper, hoping for
-the best; Letitia made a feint at Ovid with one eye on the juvenile
-McCaffrey.
-
-This did not last long. The brat grew restless and wandered
-disconsolately around the room, leaving traces of sticky fingers
-everywhere. Letitia merely pretended to read; I could see that. She
-followed the child around with one eye, but said nothing, probably
-unwilling to disturb me. Poor Letitia! The idea that she was frightened
-of me was appalling. I could never endure that. I tried to lose myself
-in absorbing stories of fires, and abductions, and murders. The murders
-seemed particularly lively--almost sporty. Then I made up my mind to be
-good-natured and was even planning a game of hide-and-seek, or
-blindman's-buff, or hunt-the-slipper with Letitia and the McCaffrey cub,
-when my good intentions were shattered.
-
-The child began to yell. It put its finger in its mouth and shouted.
-Great tears rolled down its cheeks. Its face was distorted. It threw
-itself down on the tiger-head and commenced to kick. The room was
-filled with this alarming demonstration. Letitia rose, her face white; I
-stood up suddenly, aghast at the din.
-
-"Great goodness!" cried Letitia in consternation. "It is a fit, I
-think--or a convulsion--or a paralytic stroke. What's to be done,
-Archie? Suppose--suppose--it dies before Mrs. McCaffrey gets back? Oh,
-if I were only a mother, I should know what to do. Why--I wonder why I'm
-not a mother!"
-
-We were both kneeling beside the child, who was still shouting blue
-murders. Letitia lifted it up and held it upon her lap. I don't know
-what I did. I fancy I stroked a head--but I don't know whether it was
-Letitia's or the child's. To add to the complexity of the situation the
-front-door bell rang, and I was obliged, in this cookless emergency, to
-go to the door. Mrs. Archer had called to know what was the matter, and
-to ask if she could be of any assistance. She followed me into the
-drawing-room, and, as well as I could, I explained the case. Letitia,
-herself, was almost hysterical and was unable to greet the newcomer, or
-to introduce me formally to her sister victim in the Potzenheimer
-incident.
-
-"There's nothing at all the matter with the child," declared Mrs. Archer
-authoritatively, after a cursory examination. "It's just fractious,
-Mrs. Fairfax. See--how all the time, it is pointing to that cabinet with
-the little Indian ivory ornaments in it. It is merely crying for the
-ornaments. Just try it. I bet that if you open that cabinet all this
-agony will cease."
-
-For a moment I thought our neighbor was joking. The obstreperous
-lamentations, the blood-curdling howls, the violent convulsions of
-distress could only have proceeded from dire physical anguish. Letitia,
-upon whose forehead the beads of perspiration stood in horrid salience,
-put the child down, and in a frenzied manner rushed to the little
-mahogany inlaid cabinet with the glass doors. The key was in the lock
-and she turned it quickly. The door flew open, revealing a little ivory
-doll, a wheel-barrow, a pagoda, a horse, a chess-table, a group of
-animals, three Indian gentlemen in summer garb, and a whole stand of
-pretty little Indian treasures that an uncle of mine had once bought in
-Calcutta.
-
-The screams of the child suddenly ceased. The flux of tears was
-instantly stayed. The wild moans no longer rent the atmosphere. It got
-up on its feet, in the twinkling of a double bedpost, as it were, and
-with a whoop of joy, scampered to the ivory collection.
-
-"Ga-ga!" it cried. "Ga-ga!"
-
-"Oh, Mrs. Archer!" almost sobbed Letitia in an ecstasy of gratitude--and
-to my horror she kissed the stranger on both cheeks (and she had never
-been introduced)--"you've saved us--you've saved us! Oh, I thought it
-was dying--that perhaps the candy had poisoned it--and that when cook
-returned, all we should have to hand her would be a corpse."
-
-"A very badly brought up child, Mrs. Fairfax," was Mrs. Archer's solemn
-comment. "What it really needed was a good spanking."
-
-"Oh, no," exclaimed Letitia, "never. Corporal punishment is so
-detestable, and so uncivilized. And for a mere baby! The mother slapped
-it while we were at dinner, and I gave her a piece of my mind."
-
-"Well, now you are going to give the child several pieces of your
-collection," Mrs. Archer said airily--she seemed to be a most sensible
-and worthy woman--"and, of course, if you don't mind, it is all right.
-Personally, I never believe in spoiling children. But--well I am so glad
-it is nothing more than temper, dear Mrs. Fairfax, and dear Mr. Fairfax.
-I fancied that perhaps a murder was being committed, and although Mr.
-Archer warned me not to implicate myself in such matters--he is a very
-suspicious man, is Mr. Archer--I felt that common decency necessitated
-my giving you any assistance that lay in my poor power."
-
-Mrs. Archer discreetly withdrew, and I mixed a glass of weak
-whisky-and-water for Letitia, who was still quite limp from the fray. We
-were both of us inordinately thankful, for what had seemed like a
-tragedy was averted.
-
-"Only to think," remarked Letitia, haply restored to serenity, "that I
-know so little about children. I positively don't deserve to have any.
-This is really an experience, Archie, isn't it? Such a terrible
-commotion all hushed up by a few ivory trifles."
-
-We looked at the cabinet. It had been rifled of its contents. The "few
-ivory trifles" were all over the floor. The tiny wheel-barrow had been
-robbed of its wheels; the pagoda was even then in process of smash; the
-dainty little chess-table had a leg missing. But the McCaffrey cub was
-joyous and smiling, and as we approached it, called out "Ga-ga!"
-
-"Uncle Ben said they were very valuable, Letitia," I remarked rather
-wearily. "One or two of them, he told me, could never be duplicated. The
-work is very fine and artistic."
-
-"Ga-ga!" cried the brat, as it tore off another leg from the
-chess-table. "Ga-ga!"
-
-"It _is_ rather cute when it's pleased," Letitia declared, smiling in
-spite of the devastation. "Any way, Uncle Ben's present has been very
-useful, Archie. Nobody ever really looked into that cabinet, and it is
-in a dark corner of the room. I can put in a few little oddments from
-the five-and-ten-cent store, and they will look very well behind glass,
-and we can always say that Uncle Ben brought them to us from Bombay--or
-was it Calcutta?"
-
-We sat there placidly and watched the ruthless destruction of the Indian
-treasures, anxious that they should not pall upon the McCaffrey darling.
-Letitia, I am quite certain, was prepared to break up the piano and give
-the pieces to the cub to play with, if necessary. But peace seemed more
-than usually delightful. Only once did another outbreak appear possible.
-It was when, at eleven o'clock, Letitia suggested that the child be put
-to bed. A mournful howl was wafted from the cabinet, and we decided to
-take no risks.
-
-Just before midnight, Mrs. McCaffrey was sighted by Letitia at the
-window, and a delightful sense of security became ours.
-
-"I shall tell her," said Letitia, before opening the door, "that we have
-had a fearful time, and have been beside ourselves, so to speak."
-
-And as the amiable Hibernian came in, and we delivered over the child to
-her, Letitia explained the situation, adding that we had been horribly
-alarmed and distressed.
-
-"Oh, it's nothing," said Mrs. McCaffrey indulgently. "Letitia's often
-taken like that. She has a bad temper, like her father. Don't pay any
-attention to her again, Mrs. Fairfax. Just let her howl. She won't mind
-it."
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER X
-
-
-"Let us take a night off and enjoy ourselves, my girl," I said at
-breakfast in one of those elaborately, "off-hand" manners that so
-frequently betoken profound premeditation. "Somehow or other, we seem to
-be getting into a groove, and--missing things. Don't you agree with me,
-Letitia? A nice little dinner down town and a theater will cheer us up
-wonderfully. We owe it to ourselves, I think, and--well, I believe in
-paying that kind of debt, and not letting the account drag on," I added
-felicitously.
-
-"Oh, yes," Letitia assented rather meditatively, and without enthusiasm,
-"it would be very nice. Not that I feel the need of a change as much as
-you do, Archie. However, it will do us good, and I'll tell Miriam that
-we shall not be home, and that if she likes to ask her sister from
-Tremont to dinner, she can do so. You see, dear, I fancy she was going
-out to-night. That is why I hesitated about going to the theater. But
-she will be just as pleased to entertain Mrs. O'Flaherty here, and if
-you don't mind--"
-
-"Not at all," I said magnanimously, and I really meant it. If cook
-could have more fun in our "home" than I did, she was welcome to it.
-Domesticity, under impossible circumstances, was not essentially gay. So
-set was I upon an evening of forgetfulness, that it seemed a trifle to
-resign our apartment temporarily to cook and "me sister, Mrs.
-O'Flaherty, of Tree-mont."
-
-"I fancy little Letitia looks rather pale," pursued my wife. "The run of
-the house for a night will do her good, I am sure--"
-
-The run of the house had not been denied little Letitia, though I was
-determined to keep silent and not argue the matter. Cook's child was not
-particularly dear to me. We had her for breakfast and dinner. She stood
-and watched me while I shaved. She had become hatefully affectionate,
-and abominably fond of me. When I kissed Letitia before I went to the
-office, the McCaffrey cub insisted upon similar treatment. This might
-have been touching, but it wasn't. Letitia called me hard-hearted and
-callous. I believe that she was a bit jealous. Although she devoted
-herself heart and soul to the brat, it had no use whatsoever for her.
-But I, who loathed it, was singled out for popularity, and the
-compliment made no appeal to me.
-
-"Well, my dear," I said, as I rose from the table, "I'll take my evening
-clothes with me in a dress-suitcase, and you can call for me at the
-office at a quarter to seven. We'll dine until eight o'clock, and then
-proceed to the theater. I'll get tickets this morning. What would you
-like to see?"
-
-Letitia's lack of exuberance was rather depressing. A month ago she
-would have hailed the prospect with joy, and an ebullition of girlish
-delight. At present, she was apathetic.
-
-"Oh," she replied in a preoccupied manner, "I have no particular
-choice." But suddenly she brightened up, and went on: "Yes, I have,
-Archie. Somebody told me that _Merely Mary Arm_ was absolutely charming.
-It is the story of a little servant girl, a drudge in a lodging-house, a
-pathetic figure, that--"
-
-"No, dear," I said peremptorily, "we get all the servant girl we need in
-this cunning little home. I don't see why we should pay four dollars to
-see Mr. Zangwill's English idea--idealized, of course, for the stage. It
-would be cheaper to stay at home and weep over the real American thing."
-
-"But perhaps," said Letitia thoughtfully, "if we could really feel sorry
-for Mary Ann, we might be less harshly disposed toward Anna Carter, or
-Mrs. Potzenheimer, or Mrs. McCaffrey."
-
-"No, my dear," I murmured sadly, "it would be waste of time. I decline
-to see _Merely Mary Arm_. The subject is disgusting to me. We want to
-get away from ourselves when we go to the theater. We don't want to
-reopen wounds, and brood."
-
-"But in this Zangwill play," she persisted, "Mary Ann inherits five
-million dollars, and becomes a society girl, in pink chiffon and
-low-neck."
-
-"Which is immoral," I declared. "It is a nasty, low, and revolutionary
-idea--enough to make all cooks anarchists. Such plays should be
-prohibited by a censor. Positively to make a heroine of one of these
-creatures, who break up happy homes and make life unendurable, who seem
-to be responsible for everything, from race-suicide to--"
-
-"Hush, Archie!" cried Letitia indignantly, "I can't discuss these social
-questions with you. I haven't been married long enough. I still consider
-them improper. Besides, you can't accuse Mrs. McCaffrey of race-suicide,
-with little Letitia--"
-
-"Oh, they reserve the right to have as many children as they like," I
-retorted bitterly, "but if _you_ had them, they would soon let you know
-what they thought of you."
-
-"You mustn't talk to me like this, Archie," said Letitia, vexed, "you
-wouldn't have done so when we were engaged. I consider such conversation
-rowdy--just fit for the smoking-room. And as we haven't a smoking-room
-you must restrain yourself, please. However, I am willing to drop
-_Merely Mary Arm_. The reason I suggested it was that I thought it might
-make us both kinder and more indulgent."
-
-"Imagine old Potzenheimer with five million dollars, and low-neck!" I
-exclaimed, outraged. "I call it absolutely nauseating."
-
-"Not if we _could_ imagine it, dear," she said gently. "Zangwill is an
-artist, and I hoped that if we saw the subject poetically treated, and
-really shed tears for Mary Ann, as Aunt Julia wrote me yesterday that
-she did--"
-
-"No, Letitia. I should shed tears only for Mary Ann's employer. It is
-the employers who are the martyrs. It would be better and less expensive
-to stay at home and shed tears for ourselves. For example, I feel
-depressed when I think of that cabinet of Indian _bibelots_ all in rack
-and ruin--the only present that Uncle Ben ever gave me, and he is dead!"
-I added lugubriously.
-
-"How _can_ you be so petty, Archie? I am surprised at you worrying about
-that ivory rubbish hidden away in a cabinet."
-
-"Please, Letitia," I interrupted with dignity, "please don't call it
-rubbish. Uncle Ben was not the man to give his favorite nephew
-rubbish."
-
-"Oh, how we argue! How we argue!" she exclaimed desperately. "I am
-astonished at this acidulation of character. No more of _Merely Mary
-Arm_. You ask me what I want to see, and then decline to see it. It
-doesn't matter. I'll select something else. Suppose you get tickets for
-the Barrie play, _The Admirable Crichton_."
-
-"That's more like it, old girl," I responded exultantly. "Barrie is
-delightful. He wrote _The Little Minister_ and _Quality Street_, didn't
-he? He is reliable; always good--like tea. I admire his originality."
-
-"In _The Admirable Crichton_," said Letitia, rather demurely, I thought,
-"there is an old nobleman, who believes in equality. His mania takes the
-form of treating his servants as his equals. He invites them to parties
-in his own drawing-room, and makes his own daughters, ladies of title,
-wait upon them, and ply them with cake and lemonade."
-
-"Bosh!" I ejaculated furiously. "It must be in the air--this vile theme.
-It is a germ. It is a microbe. I won't pay to see such depravity on the
-stage. I simply refuse. I--"
-
-"And then," Letitia went on sedately--I couldn't help fancying that she
-was enjoying herself, and that galled me--"they are all wrecked on a
-desert island, and the servant becomes the master of the situation,
-while the old nobleman fetches and carries, and proves that outside of
-civilization there is no such thing as social superiority."
-
-"Ha! ha!" I laughed sarcastically. "Imagine going to a desert island to
-prove it. He could find proof of that right here in New York--right here
-in this very apartment."
-
-"Archie!"
-
-"Certainly he could. Moreover, it is an idea that needs no illumination,
-to my mind. If that is _The Admirable Crichton_ I don't want to see it.
-I wouldn't sit it out. Possibly it might be amusing in England. Here, I
-should consider it insulting. The idea of letting a foreigner treat the
-servant question for New York. Where is the American playwright? Why
-don't we foster him? Why are we obliged to swallow the dramatic food
-made for European stomachs? The only 'servant' play I want to see, is
-one that places her in her true light--as the bar to marriage, the bar
-to family life, the bar to domesticity, the bar to digestion, to mental
-serenity, to--"
-
-Letitia rose suddenly, and confronted me. "I can suggest nothing else,"
-she asserted doggedly; "I seem unable to please you. Take tickets for
-anything you like."
-
-"There seems to be a cook in everything," I declared dejectedly, "and I
-want to escape it. Don't be so angry with me, Letitia. In reality, it is
-for your sake as much as for my own. I guess I'll take tickets for the
-opera. It's _Parsifal_ to-night. I never read musical criticisms, as
-they are so prohibitively prosy, but if you can assure me that there is
-no cook in _Parsifal_--"
-
-"How ignorant you are, Archie! _Parsifal_ is sacred, and deals with the
-Holy Grail."
-
-"Still, they might sneak a cook in," I insisted with irony. "I wouldn't
-put them past it. Everything is adapted, nowadays, and grand opera
-artists would lend themselves so easily to the rôles of cooks. However,
-_Parsifal_ seems safe. There is less risk about it than anything else.
-To be sure, Wagner is rather stupefying, and you remember, dear, that we
-had our first quarrel after hearing _Siegfried_. It made us both so
-cross."
-
-"It doesn't need _Siegfried_ to do that, nowadays," she said sadly.
-
-"I'm a brute, Letitia. I know I am. Forgive me just this once, dear, and
-I'll try and be better. I--I'll look on the bright side of things,
-and--and I won't argue so much. I'll take tickets for _Parsifal_ even
-though they cost ten dollars apiece. The idea of the Holy Grail appeals
-to me. It doesn't sound humorous, and Barrie and Zangwill seem to be
-dying to vent their sense of the ridiculous upon a suffering public. So
-it is understood, Letitia. _Parsifal_ to-night, preceded by a dainty
-little dinner."
-
-"The opera begins at five," said Letitia, "and I don't think I could
-leave the house at that hour. It is an uncomfortable hour."
-
-"Quite right, dear. Let _Parsifal_ adapt itself to us. It is absurd to
-make a toil of pleasure. Besides, one never understands anything at the
-opera, so it doesn't really matter at what time one gets there. We will
-not alter our plans. I shall wait at the office for you until a quarter
-to seven. Then dinner, a cab, and _Parsifal_. Say that this pleases you,
-Letitia."
-
-"Oh, I'm glad, dear. I want to see you pleased. I hate to have my poor
-boy cross and disagreeable, and misanthropic. And I am anxious to hear
-_Parsifal_, so that I can _say_ I have heard it. You understand, Archie.
-Perhaps we may not enjoy it while we are there, but I know we shall be
-delighted when it is over, and we can truthfully say that we have sat
-through it. There is no glory in sitting through an amusing play. But it
-_is_ quite a feather in one's cap to go deliberately through a
-performance of _Parsifal_. It is a good idea, Archie."
-
-Letitia put my evening clothes in a dress-suit-case, and, with a heart
-once more lightened, I departed. The old affection lingered in her
-parting kiss; she clung to me tenderly, and although the McCaffrey brat
-hovered around, and Letitia insisted upon my kissing its sticky face, I
-made no protest. The prospect of a night off made a boy of me again. I
-felt young, and enthusiastic, and happy.
-
-It was not easy to buy _Parsifal_ tickets. Evidently the subject of the
-Holy Grail, heavy, lugubrious, massive, with an elusive fantasy about
-it, appealed to the wearied hearts of New York. A long line of women
-stood making _Parsifal_ investments, anxious doubtless, as we were, to
-spend a cookless evening. Probably these women would have winced at
-suggestions of _Merely Mary Ann_ and _The Admirable Crichton_. I
-couldn't help thinking, as, in return for a twenty-dollar bill, I
-received a couple of pasteboard bits, that if New York managers had
-homes of their own, and lived the lives of the public, for which they
-cater, their views upon the desirability of certain plays would change.
-Managers are not conspicuously domestic in their habits, and they have
-no inkling of the real joys and sorrows of their clients. They produce
-plays written in other lands, for the people of other lands, and reason
-that human nature is the same everywhere. In which, I ween, they err.
-They are impatient and restive at their many failures, but--they
-continue their policy of risk.
-
-The day passed slowly. Tamworth seemed sorry for me when I told him that
-I was going to the opera, and suggested that I take a pillow with me--a
-rather tactless remark, I thought. He had once suffered, he said, from
-insomnia, and the doctors had almost despaired of curing him. He grew
-thin and restless, through lack of sleep. He read the very dullest books
-he could find, every night--all the romances and historical novels--and
-even these that had never failed him before as a narcotic, were useless.
-Then, in an inspired moment, he went to the Metropolitan House and
-tackled _Der Nibelungenring_. Wagner triumphed over the physicians.
-Morpheus emerged from his hiding-place, and insomnia was vanquished.
-Said Tamworth: "Nowadays, if I have a return of my old complaint, I just
-walk up Broadway and look at the outside of the Metropolitan House. The
-effect is magical. I go home and sleep the sleep of the virtuous."
-
-This was not encouraging, but I did not repine. Better a peaceful
-nerveless lethargy, induced by the Holy Grail, than the discordant din
-of horse-laughter set in motion by ill-timed variations, in fantasy
-form, upon tragic domestic themes.
-
-At six o'clock, I was left alone in the office. Tamworth went home; and
-so did the typists and clerks. It occurred to me that I might utilize a
-half-hour or so by working upon my _Lives of Great Men_, the thread of
-which I had lost. I was hopelessly out of tune with lives of great men.
-Lives of great women--the great women of the kitchen--had lured me
-astray. Goethe was obscured by Mrs. Potzenheimer; Molière lurked beneath
-the shade of Birdie Miriam McCaffrey. I found it quite impossible to
-concentrate my thoughts. They were diffuse, and unresponsive. They
-wobbled; and I abandoned my task. Instead, I donned my evening clothes,
-and made myself look as presentable as I could. I was alarmingly hungry,
-and could not repress a sensation of furtive delight at the thought that
-we were to dine at a restaurant, where nobody would say "Ga-ga!" and I
-should not have to call the waiter Miriam. We would begin steadily and
-industriously with oysters, and plow our way methodically through
-everything, until we landed safe and sound, at coffee.
-
-Man proposes. At a quarter to seven I put on my overcoat, and went to
-the window to wave to Letitia as soon as I saw her approach. She was
-generally punctuality itself, and prided herself upon it. As time
-dragged itself slowly along, however, and the slim little figure I knew
-so well was not to be detected in the Twenty-third crowd, I began to get
-nervous and apprehensive. Perhaps there had been an accident on the
-elevated. I thought up all sorts of catastrophes, and when the clock
-struck seven I had worked myself into a distressing state of
-perturbation. Something had assuredly happened, and I made up my mind to
-wait five minutes longer before telephoning. If Letitia had left the
-house--as she must have done--it was not much use telephoning. Certainly
-Birdie--I always thought of her aggressively as Birdie--would know
-nothing about answering telephone rings. Moreover, she was probably
-vividly engaged in entertaining "me sister, Mrs. O'Flaherty, of
-Tree-mont."
-
-Seven-twenty, and no Letitia. Even if she came, we should have but forty
-minutes to devote to dinner. Food, however, was rapidly losing all
-interest for me. I grew cold as the minutes passed. A sense of
-powerlessness overcame me. At last I could stand it no longer, and going
-to the telephone I rang up my own address, and then stood, nervously
-shivering, until I got it.
-
-"This is Archie," I said tremblingly. "It is I--Archie. Who is that at
-the 'phone?"
-
-A moment's pause, then: "Birdie--I mean Miriam. You are Archie?"
-
-My worst fears seemed about to be realized. I felt like the pain-racked
-husband in the little play _At the Telephone_. I scarcely dared to
-listen. "This is Mr. Fairfax, Mrs. McCaffrey. What has happened? Tell me
-quickly."
-
-"Letitia's awful sick, and the doctor's coming to see what the matter
-is."
-
-The perspiration was trickling down my face. The roots of my hair seemed
-to tighten. Letitia was too ill to answer the telephone! The familiarity
-of cook's allusion to my wife passed unnoticed in the wave of
-apprehension that swept over me.
-
-"Telephone at once for the doctor, and I'll come right back," I
-commanded.
-
-"The doctor's telephone doesn't work," was the reply, "and your wife has
-gone to fetch him. Me sister, Mrs. O'Flaherty, was too tired to go, and
-I had to stay with Letitia."
-
-A ray of light! I laughed--almost hysterically. The sudden removal of
-the nervous tension nearly made me collapse. It was the McCaffrey brat
-that was "awful sick," and as I hung up the receiver, I experienced
-nothing but a sense of utter thankfulness. Our little dinner most
-assuredly was off, and the Holy Grail was lost. Then a normal sense of
-vexation set in, and I felt indignant as I thought of Letitia trotting
-off for De Voursney, while I was left, lamenting.
-
-If I had only been strong-minded enough to dine in town alone, and go to
-the opera in solitary state! Now that I knew Letitia was unharmed, I
-could easily have done this, and telephoned my determination to her.
-Unluckily, I was not built for such a course. Such stringency might be
-effective, but it was beyond me. I could not take my pleasures
-wifelessly. The only thing to do was to go home, and I should have been
-impelled to this course, even if I had been expected to sit up all night
-with cook's brat--and I was not at all sure that Letitia would not
-suggest this.
-
-My mood had changed, and despondency had set in. I put my clothes into
-the dress-suit-case, locked up the office, and went home as rapidly as I
-could, after having bestowed the two ten-dollar _Parsifal_ tickets upon
-the elevator boy, who rather ruefully told me that he had seats for the
-Third Avenue Theater, where they were playing a pretty little thing
-called _Too Proud to Beg_. I was not too proud, however, and I begged
-him to take twenty-dollars' worth of opera, for my sake, which he
-promised to do.
-
-Letitia was very flushed and excited when I reached our apartment. It
-was she who opened the door, and I noticed that she had her hat and coat
-on.
-
-"Oh, Archie, I'm so sorry," she said lachrymosely, "and I do hope that
-you are not disappointed. Poor little Letitia is quite ill and feverish.
-She has been moaning and crying 'Ga-ga!' I had to go for De Voursney,
-and he is here now. I couldn't send Miriam, or Mrs. O'Flaherty, or the
-three girls."
-
-"The three girls!"
-
-"Yes, Archie. Cook has three other daughters, who live with Mrs.
-O'Flaherty, and they are all here--very nice respectable girls."
-
-"She has no right--"
-
-"What can I do, Archie? Besides, they live in Tremont, so that really
-they don't concern us. She might have been frank, and have candidly
-admitted that little Letitia had sisters. But, perhaps, if you had to
-earn your living as a cook, dear, you would do the same thing under the
-same circumstances. We won't argue; I don't feel equal to it. Ah, here
-_is_ the doctor."
-
-Dr. De Voursney entered at that moment, and shook hands most amiably.
-His presence was generally reassuring, but I must admit that at present
-I felt no very wild sense of alarm.
-
-"Glad to see you, Mr. Fairfax,"' he said, rubbing his hands affably.
-"The little patient has a febrile disturbance, and I notice a stiffening
-of the parotid gland in front of the ear. I should say undoubtedly--in
-fact I can affirm--that it is a case of _cynanche parotidaea_."
-
-Letitia grew pale. "How horrible!" she exclaimed in a low voice.
-
-"Perhaps you could give it us in English," I suggested ironically. "Mrs.
-Fairfax is well versed in Latin, but medical phrases, I am afraid--"
-
-"Certainly--oh, certainly," he said, in irrepressible good humor. "I
-generally use Latin in apartment houses and reserve mere English for the
-tenements. _Cynanche parotidaea_ is very prevalent just at present. It
-is almost epidemic. Gentle laxatives and warm fomentations are really
-all that it is necessary to prescribe. In English, we call the malady,
-mumps."
-
-"Mumps!" I murmured.
-
-"Mumps!" exclaimed Letitia.
-
-"It is not serious, as you may perceive. It is painful and quite ugly to
-look at. I shall leave some directions with the mother and shall come in
-to-morrow morning."
-
-"Is it catching?" I asked anxiously.
-
-"Nothing more so--nothing more so," he replied cheerfully. "It is
-highly contagious. It spreads through schools, through apartment houses,
-with the rapidity of lightning."
-
-"Then you think that my wife might--"
-
-"I should say it was very likely--extremely probable," he declared,
-beaming upon us; "still it might be worse. Now, you know, scarlet fever,
-at present, is raging in this neighborhood. I have just come from a
-house where six little children are attacked, and the seventh has all
-the symptoms--"
-
-We bowed him out in a trail of depression, and stood looking at each
-other silently. Then Letitia slowly took off her hat and coat and I did
-the same, deposing my dress-suit-case in my bedroom viciously. Fate was
-not smiling upon us.
-
-Miriam came bustling in, with a grim, set face. She scowled as she saw
-us, and placed her arms akimbo, in the style made popular by fishwives,
-and _Madame Angot_.
-
-"I've packed off me sister, Mrs. O'Flaherty, and me daughters in a
-hurry," she said savagely. "Yer doctor says it's catching, and it's just
-me luck that Muriel, and Rosalind, and Winnifred should have been here.
-Worse luck to it, say I! Me poor Letitia, a-prattling so cutely as she's
-laid low by the nasty disease."
-
-"It is not at all serious," murmured Letitia sympathetically.
-
-"For them as ain't got it--no, it ain't serious," said Birdie Miriam
-McCaffrey mockingly. "For them as ain't got it--it just tickles, that's
-all. Curse me for a-comin' here. That's my motto. 'The neighborhood's
-just alive with it,' says yer doctor. 'It's in the air. It's epileptic.
-Why,' says he, 'there's hardly a house where they ain't got mumps.' Nice
-for me, eh? If them's yer Christian principles, luring a hard-working
-woman, with a child, into a mumpy house, and a-saying no word to put her
-on her guard--"
-
-"You can go whenever you are ready," I said loftily, "and no
-impertinence, please."
-
-"As soon as my Letitia can be moved--if the poor thing ever lives
-through it--and I have me doubts, as she's that delicate--we'll go. Oh,
-we'll go, right enough. Don't you worry about that. Not if yez poured
-gold at me feet, and if I wuz a-perishing for want of a bit o' food, to
-keep body and soul together, would I stay in a house that's alive with
-germs. 'Yes,' says yer doctor, 'it's a germ. It's a mikey in the air.'
-Me poor Mike! 'A mikey in the air,' says he. And I only hope that me
-Muriel, and Rosalind, and Winnifred will be spared, as it's so catching.
-Why didn't ye tell me, Mrs. Fairfax? Why didn't ye say, when ye come
-down to Sixth Avenue, that there was diseases all around? Play fair;
-that's my motto. I don't believe in no underhand game, I don't. Not for
-me!"
-
-As she flounced out of the room, Letitia sank into a chair and burst
-into tears. The twittering of Birdie had been horribly effective. It had
-made me feel nervous and unstrung. Logic was quite unavailing, and for
-the first time in my life, I realized that those with a sense of humor
-might have fared better than we did.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER XI
-
-
-It was undignified, but necessary. Any other course would have been
-impossible. It was a case of bowing to the inevitable--and it seems to
-me that the inevitable simply exists for the sake of the curtseys
-bestowed upon it by unfortunates. One is always bowing and scraping to
-the inevitable. It is a species of toadyism that is invariably omitted
-from textbooks on the sublime art of sycophancy.
-
-The inevitable, in this particular instance, was Aunt Julia. After the
-vociferous, verbose, and vortiginous departure of Birdie Miriam and the
-convalescent brat, dread symptoms of _cynanche parotidaea_ appeared in
-Letitia, herself; we were alone, helpless, and mump-ridden, and it was
-Letitia who suggested Aunt Julia. I made few telephonic explanations to
-Tarrytown. I merely begged my aunt-in-law to put a few things in a
-valise and come to us at once, as her niece was quite ill. This was
-true. By the time Aunt Julia arrived, Letitia's fair face had lost its
-outlines. In the grip of this most prosaic indisposition she was
-inclined to be irritable--particularly when she looked at herself in the
-glass, which she did every five minutes. Some patients, it is said, are
-amused at the facial contortions guaranteed by this ailment. They must
-be the patients who own a sense of humor. Letitia was awed by her own
-ugliness, and I must confess that I hated to look at her. She insisted
-upon wearing a lace mantilla over her head, and fastening it with a
-diamond brooch beneath her chin. Under other circumstances this might
-have seemed Spanish, but Letitia was cross, and when I dared to suggest
-that she was emulating Otero, she was most indignant, and thought my
-remark uncalled for.
-
-Aunt Julia's advent was very welcome. After all, she had fine qualities.
-There was not a suspicion of the baleful "I told you so" in her manner.
-She _did_ turn away her head several times, as Letitia narrated the
-tragic stories of Anna Carter, _La_ Potzenheimer, and Birdie Miriam, but
-although I had a suspicion that she was exuding mirth, I could not prove
-it. I could not have sworn that Aunt Julia was laughing, although I
-followed her face round the corner, so to speak. Mercifully, Letitia was
-unable to do this, owing to circumstances--to say nothing of
-swellings--over which she had no control. My poor Letitia! If
-irritability were a good sign--as old women declare--her convalescence
-soon set in. She was as "cross as two sticks," as my old nurse used to
-remark.
-
-The worst of it was that I had to absent myself from the office until
-Aunt Julia arrived. I told Tamworth that my wife had tonsilitis, as I
-thought it sounded better and would be more evocative of sympathy.
-People are sorry when you say tonsilitis; they are merely amused when
-you mention mumps. A heroine with mumps, or even toothache, is a
-romantic impossibility; but tonsilitis or nervous prostration is less
-destructive to poetic commiseration.
-
-"You have probably arrived at a conclusion often forced upon me," said
-Aunt Julia, as her keen, beady eyes roved around the room. "The happiest
-day after that upon which cook arrives is that upon which cook departs."
-
-If _I_ had dared to say that, Letitia would have exclaimed ironically,
-"How clever!" or, "How epigrammatic!" and I should have been instantly
-snubbed. As it was, she murmured a dutiful "Yes, aunt," and sat with her
-hands folded in her lap, meekness personified.
-
-Aunt Julia, however, was not particularly restful to the nerves
-overweeningly unstrung. Even while she was listening to our history she
-was bustling about, arranging things, and--of course!--dusting. She
-flicked dust from the piano, filched it from the ornaments, dug it from
-the tiger-head, blew it from the pictures, rubbed it from the
-chair-backs, fought it from the window-sills. And then--if any had
-remained--I am perfectly certain that she would have eaten it. Dust was
-Aunt Julia's weakness, as it is the weakness of many women. If dust had
-sex, it would assuredly be masculine, as the majority of women are so
-disgracefully attentive to it. They run after it so rudely. It is only
-the intellectual, large-minded women, who don't mind a little bit of
-harmless dust, and can sit still comfortably while it settles and enjoys
-itself. The others are always pottering around after it, making their
-own life, and that of their associates, unnecessarily miserable.
-Personally, dust has always seemed to me to be homelike and cozy, and I
-hate to see it flagged away and routed.
-
-"You see," said Aunt Julia triumphantly, as she lifted the clock from
-the mantel-piece, and revealed the huge space, surrounded entirely by
-thick dust, upon which it had stood, "you two children, who are always
-talking cooks, really need what we call a general. You want somebody who
-will dust as well as cook. Apparently, you have secured ladies who could
-do neither."
-
-"You engaged Anna Carter for us, aunt," remarked Letitia pointedly, and
-I could have applauded her gladly, if I had not been in my own house.
-The opportunities for being impolite are wonderfully curtailed nowadays.
-Etiquette says that you must be polite in your own house; you must be
-polite in other people's houses. Apparently, one can be impolite only
-out of doors.
-
-"And I particularly told her," said Aunt Julia emphatically, "that the
-main thing was to keep the place spick-and-span. I made more of a point
-of that than I did of the cooking. Healthy young people don't want a lot
-of messy '_à la_' dishes, but they do want immaculate living rooms."
-
-"Oh, Aunt Julia--" Letitia began argumentatively.
-
-"Oh, Aunt Julia!" mimicked the old lady. "Wait until you can afford to
-keep three or four servants before you put on so many airs. 'Oh, Aunt
-Julia!' Yes, and 'Oh, Aunt Julia' again! With your 'drawing-room' and
-your 'evening dress' and your menus you want a retinue of domestics. You
-think that all you have to do is to sit down and live artistically in
-the most inartistic and impossible city in the world. I say that, and
-I'm a good American, too. And there's no 'Oh, Aunt Julia!' about it,
-either."
-
-I bit my lips, and impressed upon my mind the fact that I was in my own
-house. I should have liked to ask Aunt Julia to walk with me to the
-corner, so that I could say rude things to her. Of course her
-statements were absolutely grotesque and ridiculous, and both Letitia
-and I knew it. We exchanged sympathetic glances. I could have laughed in
-scorn at Aunt Julia. Letitia couldn't, of course, as her face was not in
-laughing order.
-
-"In the meantime, Aunt Julia," I said with an effort--I _had_ thought of
-addressing her as "Mrs. Dinsmore," but, after all, she was there at my
-invitation--"you see we have no servant at present. What can we do?
-Letitia can't leave the house; I am unable to cook a dinner; I _could_
-take a basket and sally forth to the delicatessen shops, but--"
-
-"I'm here," replied Aunt Julia, spreading her hands whimsically. "Like
-the poor, I am always with you. And I assure you, you silly helpless
-things, that the situation is not too many for me. In fact, I am
-distinctly able to cope with it. My motto in life has been: Don't worry
-about being rich; don't bother about being poor; but do, for goodness'
-sake, make up your mind to be independent. That's it--independence. Do
-you fancy that a mere cook can either make or mar me? And yet, my dear
-Letitia, and my equally dear Archibald, I flatter myself that I am quite
-as good, socially, as anybody you are ever likely to meet. I have known
-the time when I have cooked an entire dinner, from soup to sweets, and
-sat at the head of my own table, in a low-neck dress and entertained my
-guests, who probably thought that I had lolled on a sofa all day, and
-read--er--Ovid!" she added maliciously.
-
-This sounded horribly Sandford-and-Merton-y. I was Sandford, and Letitia
-was Merton, while Aunt Julia appeared to be that detestable consummation
-of all the virtues, Mr. Barlow. I nearly called her "Uncle Barlow," but
-haply refrained in time.
-
-"I don't like the idea of your slaving, Aunt Julia," began Letitia,
-adjusting her mantilla.
-
-"I don't say that I should select it as a pastime," asserted that lady,
-in her most formidable manner; "but when it is necessary--and it often
-is, even in the best regulated families (among which I do not class this
-household)--I am always on hand. The situation is mine, absolutely. You
-see my education was unlike yours, Letitia. I am saying nothing against
-my poor sister, Frances, your dear mother, who had her own views, but I
-assert that the average American woman is quite helpless and--and--the
-race suffers."
-
-"Don't lecture me, please, Aunt Julia," cried Letitia feebly. "I know
-I'm helpless, but Archie is quite willing to pay for help, and--I can't
-be squalid. Excuse me, Aunt Julia."
-
-"Certainly," she said amiably, "I'll excuse you. You can't be squalid,
-but you _can_ be dusty. Personally, I'd sooner be squalid, as you call
-it, but tastes differ, as the old lady remarked when she kissed her cow.
-Thank goodness, I've removed a few of the evidences of neglect. I think
-I'll rest for a few minutes. You sit still, Letitia, and you, Mr.
-Archie, don't get fidgetty. The trouble to-day is that the average New
-York woman who gets married doesn't want cooking, or housekeeping, or
-children, or the comradeship of a man. She wants diamonds for her ears,
-silks for her back, furs for her shoulders. She'd sooner live in an
-apartment that has a palatial entrance, and dark, airless cubby-holes
-for rooms; she'd sooner go and dine at a _table d'hôte_ restaurant than
-order her own dinner at home; she'd sooner pant in impossible waists and
-flaunt herself before the world as some odious 'Gibson' freak, than stay
-at home in something loose, and have healthy children easily."
-
-"Aunt Julia!" cried Letitia, aghast. "You really mustn't--before
-Archie."
-
-"Please, Mrs. Dinsmore," I objected, "such things--before Letitia--"
-
-"Don't add prudery to your other follies," retorted this terrible old
-lady, "I hate it. What is, is; and we might as well talk about it.
-Somebody has said, Letitia (and it wasn't your friend Ovid, the
-chestnut), that decency is indecency's conspiracy of silence--which is
-clever. You see, I read occasionally, squalid though I be. It is a true
-remark. I hope you'll have children, but not until you know what to do
-with them, and are not as dependent upon a nurse as you are upon a cook.
-Then you would be treating your own children as badly as you now treat
-your own stomachs. Your poor stomachs!"
-
-Involuntarily I placed my hand on the lower part of my waistcoat. There
-was certainly a flatness there. Strangely enough, Letitia did the
-same--omitting of course the waistcoat. We were both so indignant with
-Aunt Julia, that this silent action probably took the place of insulting
-words.
-
-"Home is a thing that is going out of fashion in this city," Aunt Julia
-continued bitingly. "It is a place to sleep in, to get your letters at;
-a spot in which to blazon forth your name, for the compilers of the city
-directory. American women prefer to dine out, dance out, make merry out.
-They even like to get married--out. Probably they will have their
-children out, one of these days. There will be elegant caterers to
-expectant mothers. No, Letitia, you can't stop me. I intend to have my
-say. The situation confronts us. Let us face it, manfully or
-womanfully."
-
-"You talk as though we were trying to demolish the home, Aunt Julia,"
-said Letitia, endeavoring to infuse an expression of indignation into
-her poor congested face. "We are doing our best. We are anxious to live
-in the house, and not out of it. What are we to do? We are unfortunate."
-
-"Stuff and nonsense!" retorted Aunt Julia irritably; "if I were not here
-at this moment, and if you, Letitia, were not indisposed, the two of you
-would be trotting out to your meals to-day, ruining your digestions with
-unhealthy food, and doing it because cook had left. 'Oh, Aunt Julia!' I
-anticipate that you were about to remark. Bah! I've no patience with
-you. Now, if instead of reading the ridiculous antiquities you affect,
-you were to set to work and study the--er--cook-book--"
-
-"I shall never advise Letitia, at her age, to stupefy herself with such
-literature," I asserted stoutly; "I don't believe in it."
-
-"What you believe in is of no consequence, Archibald," she declared,
-rising suddenly, as another dusty spot dawned upon her vision. "You can
-put on your things, my boy, and go to your office. I take charge. I
-guarantee you a dinner to-night--no sticky _à la_ affair, but something
-that will appeal to a healthy appetite. Go down-town, and leave Letitia
-alone with me. I promise you that I shan't ask her to do anything. She
-can read the classics, if she likes, as long as she doesn't read 'em
-aloud to me. The classics in the Harlem end of Columbus Avenue! Ha! Ha!
-Ha! Now, vanish, Mr. Fairfax. I can't stand a man in the house, in the
-daytime."
-
-"I think you're unjust, Aunt Julia," murmured Letitia; "poor Archie is
-so domestic. He loves to be around."
-
-"Sitting in thick dust," added Mrs. Dinsmore, "and imagining that he's
-milord Tomnoddy; also encouraging you to live in the clouds. And now, if
-you'll excuse me, I'll go and introduce myself to the kitchen. No,
-Letitia, don't trouble to come with me, for I'm perfectly convinced that
-you don't know the difference between a saucepan and a corkscrew. I can
-find my way, and I shall amuse myself. I quite enjoy the idea of a
-regular, old-fashioned set-to. _Au revoir._ Dinner at six, Mr. Fairfax.
-By-the-by, I forgot to bring a low-neck bodice with me. Do you mind?
-I'll sit outside in Mrs. Potzenheimer's sanctum, if, by any chance, I
-should be offensive to your evening eyes."
-
-And off she went. Letitia and I sat staring at each other, lacking even
-the gumption to smile. Upon the silence was borne the tin-ny noise of
-pots and pans apparently being routed and abused. A second later, and we
-heard Aunt Julia singing. That settled it. I closed the door. I loathe
-cheery kitchen music--especially _Bedelia_.
-
-"I'll go, Letitia," I sighed; "I'm turned out. I shall advertise at
-once. We can't trespass upon Aunt Julia's--er--er--kindness."
-
-"Yes, do, Archie,"--and Letitia also sighed; "Aunt Julia means well, but
-she's very old-fashioned. You mustn't mind what she said, dear. I dare
-say I don't know very much, but if I had been a kitchen-y old _Frau_,
-you wouldn't have liked me, and we shouldn't have been married. Of
-course, there _are_ servants. Somebody must have them. We've had a few
-failures, but we'll try again."
-
-I kissed her quite pathetically, and started officeward with a heavy
-heart. It seemed delightful to get away from the mugginess of home, and
-I marveled at my sensations. They were so strange. The people in the
-streets all interested me. There seemed to be such a quantity of women.
-Women, women, everywhere, but not a cook to greet! A longing to pounce
-upon some of the nice, comfortable-looking women I saw, and cry: "Come
-live with me, and be my cook," took possession of me. We wanted so
-little, Letitia and I; just a domesticated home-body who would ply us
-with easy dishes, and let us "live our life"--as Ibsen would say. Was
-there anything exaggerated in these demands?
-
-In the train, I sat opposite a most attractive looking colored person;
-one might have almost called her a party. She eyed me rather furtively,
-and had perhaps some telepathic inkling of my mood. Oh, if I had owned
-the courage to throw myself at her feet, and beg her to come cook for
-us! I lacked the necessary nerve. She looked as though she could
-contrive dainty Southern dishes, and I was particularly fond of
-terrapin. But perhaps, I told myself cynically, she couldn't even boil
-an egg, and I should find myself landed again in the midst of the alarms
-of delicatessen.
-
-At Eighty-first Street, a neat looking young woman got in, and became
-the object of my culinary speculation. I liked her appearance immensely,
-and would have engaged her upon the spot, without references, if the
-opportunity had been there. I felt certain that she would get along
-admirably with Letitia,--my poor Letitia, who would have been so
-considerate and indulgent with her cooks if they had only permitted it.
-Why, she had even hinted at her intention of giving Birdie Miriam her
-low-neck, white chiffon bodice, in a week or two, when she had no more
-use for it. Fool that I was! I had argued with Letitia upon the
-incongruity of presenting Mrs. McCaffrey with a _décolleté_ waist, and
-had quite vexed myself. I had told Letitia that I couldn't possibly eat
-stew, if a low-neck cook brought it in. It was so unnecessary, for
-Birdie Miriam had departed long before the gift was ready for her
-acceptance.
-
-The girl who got in at Eighty-first Street appealed to me. An impulse,
-quite irresistible, seized me. I felt that both Aunt Julia and Letitia
-would look upon me as a hero, if suddenly I marched in with a splendid
-cook that I had fished, unaided, from an elevated train. I say the
-impulse was irresistible. It was. I edged up to the young woman. I tried
-to attract her attention by nudging her. I smiled, and was about to
-speak, when she rose, and in a loud voice, cried: "Say, you're too
-fresh! Where d'ye think ye are?"
-
-In an instant a stout Irishman was on his feet, and I heard him mutter
-something about "cursed mashers." A disgraceful scene impended, and the
-horror of being accused of "mashing," when I was merely intent on
-"cook-ing," overwhelmed me. I apologized abjectly, and though I was now
-more certain than I had been before that the young woman was a cook,
-the fact that I was laying myself open to suspicion dawned suddenly upon
-me. The Irishman sat down glowering, presumably rather vexed at the
-de-materialization of a fight, and I continued my journey down-town,
-silently. The young woman left the train at Fifty-third Street, with a
-malicious, provocative smile in my direction, but I was in no mood to
-notice it ostentatiously.
-
-The car was filled with smiling, radiant women, all evidently free from
-domestic care. My poor mind ran in the one groove only. Had they cooks?
-If so, how? Did they dine at restaurants? Had they homes? I listened to
-their conversation. It was not exhilarating; it was interspersed with
-"and I says," "and she says," and then, "says she to me," and "says I to
-her." They were jovially wallowing in a cheery labyrinth of
-non-refinement and banality, and it occurred to me that perhaps some of
-this domestic problem's difficulties lay in the fact that the mental
-difference between cook and her mistress was not marked enough! This was
-a horrid thought. Don't blame me for it. One thinks horrid things when
-one is gloomy and oppressed--horrid things that are also unjust.
-
-At Twenty-third Street domestic thoughts vanished. The troubles of home
-evaporated in that atmosphere of stately hotels, and shops, and
-carriages, and pretty women, and theaters. Just once these memories
-returned. It was when I passed the Flat-iron Building, and thought, in a
-bitter vengeful spirit, that I would like to condemn Aunt Julia to flick
-dust from every window in that most oppressive pile. What a gorgeous
-revenge it would be!
-
-At the office I worked automatically. I read two manuscripts that had
-been submitted for publication. Both were humorous, and they disgusted
-me. My mood was not one that the authors of those luckless manuscripts
-would have liked to see. It augured ill for their work. I frowned at
-their fantasies and ground my teeth at their airy flights. This was rank
-injustice, of course, and I felt it my duty to state, in declining these
-works, that "humor was not our specialty." I thought that rather neat.
-Of course, in these days of ferocious competition, the authors would
-feel but little discomfiture. Others would appreciate their labors.
-Personally, as I have said, I hate humorists. Undoubtedly there are
-perversities on earth who could turn my cooks to humorous account. They
-need never apply to me for a lift toward publicity. Humor is assuredly
-abnormal.
-
-I rather dreaded the idea of going home. I had visions of boiled
-mutton, which I detest, and then there would be, perhaps--the mere idea
-sickened me--stewed prunes! Aunt Julia, being old-fashioned, would
-probably deem this menu wholesome, and American. To me it was appalling,
-deadening. I could see the meal before me--the loathsome prunes set
-before my eyes, at the same time as the meat, to confront and defy me,
-as I sat at table. Everything would be spotlessly clean--you could "eat
-your dinner off the carpet" of course--but spotlessly unappetizing.
-
-It was a shock to me to find that Letitia had not "dressed" for dinner.
-She explained quickly that she was not well enough to don evening dress,
-but begged me to do so, and not to let Aunt Julia think that I was
-afraid of her. Afraid of her! Perhaps I was, but I had no intention of
-admitting it. I went at once to my room, selected the most immaculate
-shirt I possessed, decorated it with my pearl studs, and then, putting
-on my Tuxedo coat, I sallied forth to Letitia, who had a
-turpentine-soaked flannel round her neck.
-
-Aunt Julia was in the kitchen, and I could hear her laboring at
-_Bedelia_, in high spirits, and an undaunted voice.
-
-"She went out shortly after you left," said Letitia, "and I haven't seen
-her since. Of course, it is awfully good of her, Archie. She didn't
-even consult me as to what she should get. At any rate, dear, it's a
-case of beggars mustn't be choosers. Please try and be amiable."
-
-As the clock struck six, Aunt Julia announced dinner and Letitia and I
-went to the dining-room. The old lady was as calm and unruffled as
-though she had been napping all afternoon. Her silk dress was
-unperturbed; her lace collar knew its place; she was not even flushed. I
-felt rather guilty. The table looked so nice! There were oysters at the
-three places; there was no vestige of a stewed prune; the table napkins
-were daintily folded, with a pallidly baked roll in each. It certainly
-didn't look a bit old-fashioned--in the abused acceptance of that
-phrase.
-
-"Sit down, cookless ones," said Aunt Julia, with a laugh, "and revel in
-your squalor. I haven't known what to do with myself all afternoon. The
-time has positively hung on my hands. I took a doze, Letitia, because
-there was nothing else to take. Work in an apartment! It's child's
-play."
-
-We ate our oysters in a somewhat embarrassed mood. Aunt Julia was as
-lively as a kitten. She chatted and criticised, and asked questions, and
-never waited for the answers, and actually enjoyed herself. Then she
-skirmished quickly away with the oyster plates, and brought in the
-silver tureen, filled with strong beef soup. It all seemed to be ready
-at hand and piping hot, and as I tasted it, the cockles of my heart
-expanded and I smiled. Letitia's _cynanche_ seemed remarkably better,
-and I don't know how it was, but the three of us found ourselves engaged
-in the most enlivening conversation, without having to seek for it in
-racked brains. Nor was it small talk.
-
-So interested were we, that we never noticed how the soup got away. Yet
-it did, and I suddenly perceived before me an appetizing dish of fried
-smelts, nestling beside a silver receptacle containing a _sauce
-tartare_. It was marvelous. It was as though a conjurer had cried,
-"Presto!"--and behold the metamorphosis! The fish was delicious and Aunt
-Julia enjoyed it quite as much as we did.
-
-"I'm very fond of my own cooking," she said. "I take a scientific
-interest in it. I like to see what one can do with various foods. I love
-experiments. I have the same interest in a _sauce tartare_ that--er--Sir
-Oliver Lodge has in radium. One is born that way, I suppose."
-
-I continued to expand. How could I help it? Aunt Julia seemed suddenly
-transfigured. She was no longer the fussy old meddler, but the Good
-Samaritan. I liked her silk dress, her lace collar, her antique cameo
-brooch, and with every glass of sauterne that I took, I liked them
-better! It was quite wonderful how they grew upon me. Letitia seemed to
-be equally effervescent. I quite forgot her lack of evening dress, in
-which she had been so resplendently imperious at Anna Carter's
-delicatessen spread. This was a meal at which evening dress would have
-been perfectly appropriate, but this meal, alas! was born of no cook's
-efforts. It was original. Perhaps we scarcely dared to hope for its
-repetition. And as this thought occurred to me, I sighed.
-
-The chicken was roasted to perfection, and its dressing was almost
-poetic. An epicure would have delighted in it. Brillat-Savarin, himself,
-would have commented favorably. Aunt Julia explained that she had not
-tried to display any particularly "fancy" cooking, but she opined that
-this was sufficient to remove satisfactorily the edge from the
-ordinarily unfastidious appetite. How I had wronged her! How different
-was the reality to the anticipation of boiled mutton and stewed prunes!
-We finished with a firm and convincing jelly, and some of the best black
-coffee I have ever tasted outside of Paris.
-
-It was the first comfortable meal we had enjoyed at home! It was the
-first time we had ever sat at our own table, to arise therefrom at peace
-with the world!
-
-"And now," said the old lady solemnly, "you two young people may go into
-the parlor--oh, I beg your pardon, I mean drawing-room--and your squalid
-aunt will clear the things away. She will be with you in fifteen
-minutes, ready to preach, or answer questions, or do anything you like."
-
-Home certainly did seem like home. The drawing-room was cozy and
-inviting. I felt stimulated to mental effort. Letitia had forgotten her
-ailments, and was lively and amusing.
-
-"I must try and learn Aunt Julia's system," she said, "so that I can at
-any rate, supervise, though, Archie, I'm quite sure that frauds like
-Anna Carter, or Potzenheimer, or Birdie Miriam would never brook
-supervision."
-
-"There you're right," remarked Aunt Julia, entering suddenly. "These
-women know little and what they know, they know wrong. Get a clean slate
-to work upon, secure a girl whom you can teach, and--well, your chances
-will be better."
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER XII
-
-
-We fell back upon the sublime, the luminous art of newspaper
-advertisement. Alluring pictures of natty maids in jaunty caps and
-perfectly fitting dresses, as an answer to the question, "Do you need
-help?" emerged from our subliminal consciousness, capped by the legend,
-"If so, advertise in ----" So we advertised in ----. Each newspaper
-seemed to vie with the other in exquisite promises to be-cook our
-kitchen. There appeared to be no possible, probable shadow of doubt
-about the proceeding. It was so easy that the inelegant simile of
-"rolling off a log" impressed us as being absolutely justifiable. I
-flatter myself that the advertisements I composed were delightful--gems
-of succinct thought, though Letitia seemed dubious.
-
-"I think you ought to offer some inducement," she said, "in order that
-our advertisement should stand out from the rest--something to indicate
-that we really are desperate. I suppose--please don't smile,
-Archie--that it wouldn't do to hint that we give handsome Christmas
-presents."
-
-"What an immoral suggestion, Letitia!" I exclaimed testily. "It is
-putting a premium on cupidity and incompetence. I am surprised at you.
-Moreover, it is so horribly suggestive of the idea of beating a hasty
-retreat after the receipt of those presents."
-
-"Don't be so snappy, Archie," retorted Letitia peevishly. "I am merely
-trying to throw light upon the situation. We ought to do something. What
-do you say to mentioning matinée tickets once a week?"
-
-"Or souvenirs if she runs for a hundred nights," I suggested gloomily.
-
-"Of course," said Letitia resignedly, "if you ridicule everything I say,
-there is no use my making further remarks. Put in the advertisement as
-you like--'Cook wanted.' How original! Eighteen hundred people want
-cooks, and eighteen hundred people won't get them. I merely meant to
-emphasize our own special need. Do you think"--suddenly--"that if we
-made it worth while at the newspaper offices, they would print our
-advertisement in red ink--right in the center of all the others--or--or
-in gold?"
-
-"No, my girl," I replied shortly, pretending to look very sapient, as
-though I were marvelously familiar with the inner workings of newspaper
-offices. Then, conciliatingly, "Your idea is good, Letitia, but
-impracticable. We must take our chance with the vulgar herd."
-
-"At any rate," she cried despairingly, "you can surely say that this is
-a lovely, refined home, with scarcely anything for a cook to do,
-and--and--paint it up, Archie; paint it up. Moreover, we want a clean
-slate, as Aunt Julia suggested--something inexperienced for me to
-teach."
-
-To my credit, be it said, I did not smile. The effort to resist was
-intense, almost painful, but I succeeded in maintaining an owl-like
-expression, and Letitia's quick glance at me--a glance that seemed to
-suggest that she expected and dreaded a smile--was wasted.
-
-We advertised in five papers, and the sense of elation that came with
-the deposit of each advertisement was most refreshing. It looked as
-though failure were impossible. Letitia calculated that seven million
-people in New York would know of our need, and when I told her that
-there were not seven million people in the greater city, she airily
-decided that some of them therefore would know it twice--a piece of
-logic that needed no squelching. That evening, that cookless evening of
-waiting, after a restaurant dinner that had been particularly
-indigestible and saddening, we discussed in low voice the possibilities
-of the morrow.
-
-Five advertisements! Letitia wondered what the neighborhood would think
-of the crowd of aspiring, eager cooks that must assuredly besiege our
-door. She even suggested that I notify the nearest police station, and
-ask for a special squad of police to keep order. Her enthusiasm was
-contagious. I pictured the battling mob outside--long lines of
-throbbing, expectant women clamoring for an interview. The moral effect
-of advertising is quite irresistible. It is not to be gainsaid. Whatever
-the mere practical results may be, there is no doubt in the world but
-that advertisement, psychologically, is worth its price. The notion that
-from all the readers of five important newspapers, entering into all the
-nooks and crannies of metropolitan life, a huge and varied collection of
-cooks would fail to materialize was ridiculous. It was not to be
-entertained for a moment. Letitia even mentioned the possibilities of
-the poor women waiting outside all night on camp stools; in fact, taking
-a look into the electric-lighted street, at about eleven o'clock, she
-announced positively that she saw two women already standing outside the
-door.
-
-"If I were quite sure that they were applicants," said Letitia, "I'd ask
-them up at once, and listen to them. Perhaps we ought to send out a
-little soup or hot coffee."
-
-I remembered my experience in the elevated train. It recurred to my mind
-so vividly that I uttered a "Pshaw!" rather brusquely, and then meekly
-told Letitia that she was probably mistaken.
-
-"You see," remarked Letitia thoughtfully, "five advertisements in one
-day, are rather unusual. There are bound to be results. Think of the
-colossal population of Greater New York! In fact, Archie, I really feel
-a bit afraid. We have perhaps reared a Frankenstein. I am not at all
-sure that I can cope with an immense crowd."
-
-My rest that night was fitful. I had nightmare of a most distressing
-nature, which I will refrain from describing for the reason that daymare
-seems more popular, as a rule, with readers. Letitia rose at seven
-o'clock just as I had fallen into refreshing slumber, and went, in her
-nightgown, into the drawing-room to note the line of cooks from the
-window. I was unable to sleep again, and lay there awaiting her return,
-anxious and uncomfortable.
-
-She came back, looking like Lady Macbeth, and exclaimed in a voice of
-dire amazement: "Not a soul, Archie! Positively, there's not a human
-creature in the street. What can it mean?"
-
-"It's early," I suggested feebly.
-
-"Oh, nonsense!" cried Letitia. "Out of four million people, there must
-be a very large percentage that doesn't regard seven o'clock as so
-frightfully early. Perhaps the police, seeing a mob, ordered it to
-disperse and reassemble later. At any rate, we had better get ready. How
-annoying! I forgot all about breakfast, and we can not leave the house.
-I must prepare some coffee, and with the crackers that Aunt Julia
-bought, we must make shift."
-
-After this meal, that was strangely lacking in solidity and in various
-other qualities--Letitia's coffee tasting like slate-pencils, only not
-quite so nice--we stationed ourselves at the window. We saw cable-cars,
-horse-cars, wagons, cabs, perambulators. We noted tradesmen, and
-tradeswomen, schoolgirls and schoolboys, business-men and
-business-women. There was plenty to look at, but there was no cook.
-Letitia grew restive; I became nervous. Every feminine creature that
-approached seemed to be a cook--until she went past. We looked at each
-petticoated passer-by, with the avid expectation of hearing her ring our
-door-bell and ask to be taken in.
-
-"There's one!" cried Letitia excitedly. "I bet you anything that she's
-going to ring. How shabby her skirt is, poor thing. And just look at her
-hat! She is reading the numbers on the doors. Yes, she's stopping here.
-She--she--"
-
-Went by.
-
-"This time," I exclaimed, "I'll wager anything that--look, Letitia!--the
-girl opposite is going to apply. She has a newspaper in her hand and she
-keeps reading it. I'm not often mistaken, Letitia. When I do venture a
-prophecy, it is generally correct. Ah, I told you so. She is looking up
-at us. She has crossed the street. She has examined the house.
-She--she--"
-
-Went next door.
-
-Mariana, in her moated grange, may have had an unpleasant time of it, as
-she "glanced athwart the glooming flats." (I should have indignantly
-called them "blooming" flats, but unfortunately I'm not Tennyson.) Then,
-in Mariana's case, "old faces glimmer'd thro' the doors," which must
-have made things cheerful for her. With us, neither old faces nor young
-ones "glimmer'd" through anything whatsoever. Gladly would we have
-hailed them, for, in good sooth, we were "aweary, weary." We "drew the
-casement curtain by"--Letitia begged me to be careful, as it had just
-been done up--and stood there, stolidly, silently. There were no
-moldering wainscots, or flitting bats, or rusted nails, or oxen's low.
-In spite of which I am perfectly convinced that Mariana was less
-miserable than we were, as at eleven o'clock, the awful certainty was
-borne in upon us that "she cometh not."
-
-"Perhaps," said Letitia dejectedly, "we are the victims of conspiracy.
-Anna Carter, and Mrs. Potzenheimer, and Birdie Miriam McCaffrey may have
-banded themselves together to--to ruin us."
-
-"Letitia!"
-
-"There is some reason for all this, Archie. It is to be accounted for in
-some way. It is absolutely impossible that five important advertisements
-in five important newspapers should have produced no fruit whatsoever. I
-shall write to each paper and say, 'After advertising in your valuable
-columns, I have come to the conclusion that you are no good.'"
-
-"Why antagonize the newspapers?"
-
-"I must have the satisfaction of recording our experience," she replied,
-her face flushed, her eyes bright. "I shall do it, Archie. I intend--"
-
-At that moment there was a ring at the front door-bell. Letitia,
-wrought-up, nervously clutched my arm. For a moment a sort of paralysis
-seized me. Then, alertly as a young calf, I bounded toward the door,
-hope aroused, and expectation keen. It was rather dark in the outside
-hall and I could not quite perceive the nature of our visitor. But I
-soon gladly realized that it was something feminine, and as I held the
-door open, a thin, small, soiled wisp of a woman glided in, and smiled
-at me.
-
-"_Talar ni svensk?_" she asked, but I had no idea what she meant. She
-may have been impertinent, or even rude, or perhaps improper, but she
-looked as though she might be a domestic, and I led her gently,
-reverently, to Letitia in the drawing-room. I smiled back at her, in a
-wild endeavor to be sympathetic. I would have anointed her, or bathed
-her feet, or plied her with figs and dates, or have done anything that
-any nationality craves as a welcome. As the front door closed, I heaved
-a sigh of relief. Here was probably the quintessence of five
-advertisements. Out of the mountain crept a mouse, and quite a little
-mouse, too!
-
-"_Talar ni svensk?_" proved to be nothing more outrageous than "Do you
-speak Swedish?" My astute little wife discovered this intuitively. I
-left them together, my mental excuse being that women understand each
-other and that a man is unnecessary, under the circumstances. I had some
-misgivings on the subject of Letitia and _svensk_, but the universal
-language of femininity is not without its uses. I devoutly hoped that
-Letitia would be able to come to terms, as the mere idea of a cook who
-couldn't excoriate us in English was, at that moment, delightful. At the
-end of a quarter of an hour I strolled back to the drawing-room. Letitia
-was smiling and the handmaiden sat grim and uninspired.
-
-"I've engaged her, Archie," said Letitia. "She knows nothing, as she has
-told me, in the few words of English that she has picked up, but--you
-remember what Aunt Julia said about a clean slate."
-
-I gazed at the maiden, and reflected that while the term "slate" might
-be perfectly correct, the adjective seemed a bit over-enthusiastic. She
-was decidedly soiled, this quintessence of a quintette of
-advertisements. I said nothing, anxious not to dampen Letitia's very
-evident elation.
-
-"She has no references," continued my wife, "as she has never been out
-before. She is just a simple little Stockholm girl. I like her face
-immensely, Archie--immensely. She is willing to begin at once, which
-shows that she is eager, and consequently likely to suit us. Wait for
-me, Archie, while I take her to the kitchen. _Kom_, Gerda."
-
-Exactly why Letitia couldn't say "Come, Gerda," seemed strange. She
-probably thought that _Kom_ must be Swedish, and that it sounded well.
-She certainly invented _Kom_ on the spur of the Scandinavian moment, and
-I learned afterward that it was correct. My inspired Letitia! Still, in
-spite of all, my opinion is that "Come, Gerda," would have done just as
-well.
-
-"Isn't it delightful?" cried Letitia, when she joined me later. "I am
-really enthusiastic at the idea of a Swedish girl. I adore Scandinavia,
-Archie. It always makes me think of Ibsen. Perhaps Gerda Lyberg--that's
-her name--will be as interesting as Hedda Gabler, and Mrs. Alving, and
-Nora, and all those lovely complex Ibsen creatures."
-
-"They were Norwegians, dear," I said gently, anxious not to shatter
-illusions; "the Ibsen plays deal with Christiania, not with Stockholm."
-
-"But they are so near," declared Letitia, amiable and seraphic once
-more. "Somehow or other, I invariably mix up Norway and Sweden and
-Denmark. I know I shall always look upon Gerda as an Ibsen girl, who has
-come here to 'live her life,' or 'work out her inheritance.' Perhaps,
-dear, she has some interesting internal disease, or a maggoty brain.
-Don't you think, Archie, that the Ibsen inheritances are always most
-fascinating? A bit morbid, but surely fascinating."
-
-"I prefer a healthy cook, Letitia," I said meditatively, "somebody
-willing to interest herself in our inheritance, rather than in her own."
-
-"I don't mind what you say now," she pouted, "I am not to be put down by
-clamor. We really have a cook at last, and I feel more lenient toward
-you, Archie. Of course I was only joking when I suggested the Ibsen
-diseases. Gerda Lyberg may have inherited from her ancestors something
-quite nice and attractive."
-
-"Then you mustn't look upon her as Ibsen, Letitia," I protested. "The
-Ibsen people never inherit nice things. Their ancestors always bequeath
-nasty ones. That is where their consistency comes in. They are
-receptacles for horrors. Personally, if you'll excuse my flippancy, I
-prefer Norwegian anchovies to Norwegian heroines. It is a mere matter of
-opinion."
-
-"I'm ashamed of you," retorted Letitia defiantly. "You talk like some of
-the wretchedly frivolous criticisms, so called, that men like Acton
-Davies, and Alan Dale inflict upon the long-suffering public. They never
-amuse me. Ibsen may make his heroines the recipients of ugly legacies,
-but he has never yet cursed them with the odious incubus known as 'a
-sense of humor.' The people with a sense of humor have something in
-their brains worse than maggots. We'll drop the subject, Archie. I'm
-going to learn Swedish. Before Gerda Lyberg has been with us a month, I
-intend to be able to talk fluently. It will be most useful. Next time we
-go to Europe, we'll take in Sweden, and I'll do the piloting. I am going
-to buy some Swedish books, and study. Won't it be jolly? And just think
-how melancholy we were this morning, you and I, looking out of that
-window, and trying to materialize cooks. Wasn't it funny, Archie? What
-amusing experiences we shall be able to chronicle, later on!"
-
-Letitia babbled on like half a dozen brooks, and thinking up a gentle
-parody, in the shape of, "cooks may come, and men may go," I decided to
-leave my household gods for the bread-earning contest down-town. I could
-not feel quite as sanguine as Letitia, who seemed to have forgotten the
-dismal results of the advertisement--just one little puny Swedish
-result. I should have preferred to make a choice. Letitia was as pleased
-with Gerda Lyberg as though she had been a selection instead of a
-that-or-nothing.
-
-If somebody had dramatized Gerda Lyberg's initial dinner, it would
-probably have been considered exceedingly droll. As a serious episode,
-however, its humor, to my mind, lacked spontaneity. Letitia had asked
-her to cook us a little Swedish meal, so that we could get some idea of
-Stockholm life, in which, for some reason or other, we were supposed to
-be deeply interested. Unfortunately I was extremely hungry, and had
-carefully avoided luncheon in order to give my appetite a chance. We sat
-down to a huge bowl of cold greasy soup, in which enormous lumps of meat
-swam, as though, for their life, awaiting rescue at the prongs of a
-fork. In addition to this epicurean dish was a teeming plate of
-water-soaked potatoes, delicately boiled. That was all. Letitia said
-that it was Swedish, and the most annoying part of the entertainment was
-that I was alone in my critical disapprobation. Letitia was so engrossed
-with a little Swedish conversation book that she brought to table that
-she forgot the mere material question of food--forgot everything but the
-horrible jargon she was studying, and the soiled, wisp-like maiden, who
-looked more unlike a clean slate than ever.
-
-"What shall I say to her, Archie?" asked Letitia, turning over the pages
-of her book, as I tried to rescue a block of meat from the cold fat in
-which it lurked. "Here is a chapter on dinner. 'I am very hungry,' '_Jag
-är myckel hungrig._' Rather pretty, isn't it? Hark at this: '_Kypare gif
-mig matsedeln och vinlistan._' That means: 'Waiter, give me the bill of
-fare, and the list of wines.'"
-
-"Don't," I cried; "don't. This woman doesn't know what dining means.
-Look out a chapter on feeding--or filling up."
-
-Letitia was perfectly unruffled. She paid no attention to me whatsoever.
-She was fascinated with the slovenly girl, who stood around and gaped at
-her Swedish.
-
-"Gerda," said Letitia, with her eyes on the book, "_Gif mir apven senap
-och nägra potäter_." And then, as Miss Lyberg dived for the drowned
-potatoes, Letitia exclaimed in an ecstasy of joy, "She understands,
-Archie, she understands. I feel I am going to be a great success. _Jag
-tackar_, Gerda. That means 'I thank you.' _Jag tackar._ See if you can
-say it, Archie. Just try, dear, to oblige me. _Jag tackar._ Now, that's
-a good boy, _jag tackar_."
-
-"I won't," I declared spitefully. "No _jag tackar_-ing for a parody like
-this, Letitia. You don't seem to realize that I'm hungry. Honestly, I
-prefer a delicatessen dinner to this."
-
-"'Pray, give me a piece of venison,'" read Letitia, absolutely
-disregarding my mood. "'_Var god och gif mig ett stycke vildt._' It is
-almost intelligible, isn't it dear? '_Ni äter icke_': you do not eat."
-
-"I can't," I asserted mournfully, anxious to gain Letitia's sympathy.
-
-It was not forthcoming. Letitia's eyes were fastened on Gerda, and I
-could not help noting on the woman's face an expression of scorn. I felt
-certain of it. She appeared to regard my wife as a sort of irresponsible
-freak, and I was vexed to think that Letitia should make such an
-exhibition of herself, and countenance the alleged meal that was set
-before us.
-
-"'I have really dined very well'," she continued joyously. "'_Jag har
-verkligen atit mycket bra._'"
-
-"If you are quite sure that she doesn't understand English, Letitia," I
-said viciously, "I'll say to you that this is a kind of joke I don't
-appreciate. I won't keep such a woman in the house. Let us put on our
-things and go out and have dinner. Better late than never."
-
-Letitia was turning over the pages of her book, quite lost to her
-surroundings. As I concluded my remarks she looked up and exclaimed,
-"How very funny, Archie. Just as you said 'Better late than never,' I
-came across that very phrase in the list of Swedish proverbs. It must be
-telepathy, dear. Better late than never,' '_Battre sent än aldrig_.'
-What were you saying on the subject, dear? Will you repeat it? And do
-try it in Swedish. Say '_Battre sent än aldrig_'."
-
-"Letitia," I shot forth in a fury, "I'm not in the humor for this sort
-of thing. I think this dinner, and this woman are rotten. See if you can
-find the word rotten in Swedish."
-
-"I am surprised at you," Letitia declared glacially, roused from her
-book by my heroic though unparliamentary language. "Your expressions are
-neither English nor Swedish. Please don't use such gutter-words before a
-servant, to say nothing of your own wife."
-
-"But she doesn't understand," I protested, glancing at Miss Lyberg. I
-could have sworn that I detected a gleam in the woman's eyes and that
-the sphinx-like attitude of dull incomprehensibility suggested a
-strenuous effort. "She doesn't understand anything. She doesn't want to
-understand."
-
-"In a week from now," said Letitia, "she will understand everything
-perfectly, for I shall be able to talk with her. Oh, Archie, do be
-agreeable. Can't you see that I am having great fun? Don't be such a
-greedy boy. If you could only enter into the spirit of the thing, you
-wouldn't be so oppressed by the food question. Oh, dear! How important
-it does seem to be to men. Gerda, _hur gammal är ni_?"
-
-The maiden sullenly left the room, and I felt convinced that Letitia
-had Swedishly asked her to do so. I was wrong. "_Hur gammal är ni?_"
-Letitia explained, simply meant, "How old are you?"
-
-"She evidently didn't want to tell me," was my wife's comment, as we
-went to the drawing-room. "I imagine, dear, that she doesn't quite like
-the idea of my ferreting out Swedish so persistently. But I intend to
-persevere. The worst of conversation books is that one acquires a
-language in such a parroty way. Now, in my book, the only answer to the
-question 'How old are you?' is, 'I was born on the tenth of August,
-1852.' For the life of me, I couldn't vary that, and it would be most
-embarrassing. It would make me fifty-two. If any one asked me in Swedish
-how old I was, I should _have_ to be fifty-two!"
-
-"When I think of my five advertisements," I said lugubriously, as I
-threw myself into an arm-chair, fatigued at my efforts to discover
-dinner, "when I remember our expectation, and the pleasant anticipations
-of to-day, I feel very bitter, Letitia. Just to think that from it all
-nothing has resulted but that beastly mummy, that atrocious ossified
-thing."
-
-"Archie, Archie!" said my wife warningly; "please be calm. Perhaps I was
-too engrossed with my studies to note the deficiencies of dinner. But do
-remember that I pleaded with her for a Swedish meal. The poor thing did
-what I asked her to do. Our dinner was evidently Swedish. It was not her
-fault that I asked for it. To-morrow, dear, it shall be different. We
-had better stick to the American régime. It is more satisfactory to you.
-At any rate, we have somebody in the house, and if our five
-advertisements had brought forth five hundred applicants we should only
-have kept one. So don't torture yourself, Archie. Try and imagine that
-we _had_ five hundred applicants, and that we selected Gerda Lyberg."
-
-"I can't, Letitia," I said sulkily, and I heaved a heavy sigh.
-
-"Come," she said soothingly, "come and study Swedish with me. It will be
-most useful for your _Lives of Great Men_. You can read up the Swedes in
-the original. I'll entertain you with this book, and you'll forget all
-about Mrs. Potz--I mean Gerda Lyberg. By-the-by, Archie, she doesn't
-remind me so much of Hedda Gabler. I don't fancy that she is very
-subtile."
-
-"You, Letitia," I retorted, "remind me of Mrs. Nickleby. You ramble on
-so."
-
-Letitia looked offended. She always declared that Dickens "got on her
-nerves." She was one of the new-fashioned readers who have learned to
-despise Dickens. Personally, I regretted only his nauseating sense of
-humor. Letitia placed a cushion behind my head, smoothed my forehead,
-kissed me, made her peace, and settled down by my side. Lack of
-nourishment made me drowsy, and Letitia's babblings sounded vague and
-muffled.
-
-"It is a most inclusive little book," she said, "and if I can succeed in
-memorizing it all I shall be quite at home with the language. In fact,
-dear, I think I shall always keep Swedish cooks. Hark at this: 'If the
-wind be favorable, we shall be at Grothenburg in forty hours.' '_Om
-vinden är god, sa äro vi pa pyrtio timmar i Goteborg._' I think it is
-sweetly pretty. 'You are seasick.' 'Steward, bring me a glass of brandy
-and water.' 'We are now entering the harbor.' 'We are now anchoring.'
-'Your passports, gentlemen.'"
-
-A comfortable lethargy was stealing o'er me. Letitia took a pencil and
-paper, and made notes as she plied the book. "A chapter on 'seeing a
-town' is most interesting, Archie. Of course, it must be a Swedish town.
-'Do you know the two private galleries of Mr. Smith, the merchant, and
-Mr. Muller, the chancellor?' 'To-morrow morning, I wish to see all the
-public buildings and statues.' '_Statyerna_' is Swedish for statues,
-Archie. Are you listening, dear? 'We will visit the Church of the Holy
-Ghost, at two, then we will make an excursion on Lake Mälan and see the
-fortress of Vaxholm.' It is a charming little book. Don't you think that
-it is a great improvement on the old Ollendorff system? I don't find
-nonsensical sentences like 'The hat of my aunt's sister is blue, but the
-nose of my brother-in-law's sister-in-law is red.'"
-
-I rose and stretched myself. Letitia was still plunged in the irritating
-guide to Sweden, where I vowed I would never go. Nothing on earth should
-ever induce me to visit Sweden. If it came to a choice between Hoboken
-and Stockholm, I mentally determined to select the former. As I paced
-the room, I heard a curious splashing noise in the kitchen. Letitia's
-studies must have dulled her ears. She was evidently too deeply
-engrossed.
-
-I strolled nonchalantly into the hall, and proceeded deliberately toward
-the kitchen. The thick carpet deadened my footsteps. The splashing noise
-grew louder. The kitchen door was closed. I gently opened it. As I did
-so, a wild scream rent the air. There stood Gerda Lyberg in--in--my pen
-declines to write it--a simple unsophisticated birthday dress, taking an
-ingenuous reluctant bath in the "stationary tubs," with the plates, and
-dishes, and dinner things grouped artistically around her!
-
-The instant she saw me, she modestly seized a dish-towel, and shouted at
-the top of her voice. The kitchen was filled with the steam from the hot
-water. 'Venus arising' looked nebulous, and mystic. I beat a hasty
-retreat, aghast at the revelation, and almost fell against Letitia, who,
-dropping her conversation book, came to see what had happened.
-
-"She's bathing!" I gasped, "in the kitchen--among the plates--near the
-soup--"
-
-"Never!" cried Letitia. Then, melodramatically: "Let me pass. Stand
-aside, Archie. I'll go and see. Perhaps--perhaps--you had better come
-with me."
-
-"Letitia," I gurgled, "I'm shocked! She has nothing on but a
-dish-towel."
-
-Letitia paused irresolutely for a second, and going into the kitchen
-shut the door. The splashing noise ceased. I heard the sound of voices,
-or rather of a voice--Letitia's! Evidently she had forgotten Swedish,
-and such remarks as "If the wind be favorable, we shall be at Gothenburg
-in forty hours." I listened attentively, and could not even hear her say
-"We will visit the Church of the Holy Ghost at two." It is strange how
-the stress of circumstances alters the complexion of a conversation
-book! All the evening she had studied Swedish, and yet suddenly
-confronted by a Swedish lady bathing in our kitchen, dish-toweled but
-unashamed, all she could find to say was "How disgusting!" and "How
-disgraceful!" in English!
-
-"You see," said Letitia, when she emerged, "she is just a simple peasant
-girl, and only needs to be told. It is very horrid, of course."
-
-"And unappetizing!" I chimed in.
-
-"Of course--certainly unappetizing. I couldn't think of anything Swedish
-to say, but I said several things in English. She was dreadfully sorry
-that you had seen her, and never contemplated such a possibility. After
-all, Archie, bathing is not a crime."
-
-"And we were hunting for a clean slate," I suggested satirically. "Do
-you think, Letitia, that she also takes a cold bath in the morning,
-among the bacon and eggs, and things?"
-
-"That is enough," said Letitia sternly. "The episode need not serve as
-an excuse for indelicacy."
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER XIII
-
-
-It was with the advent of Gerda Lyberg that we became absolutely
-certain, beyond the peradventure of any doubt, that there was such a
-thing as the servant question. The knowledge had been gradually wafted
-in upon us, but it was not until the lady from Stockholm had
-definitively planted herself in our midst, that we admitted to ourselves
-openly, unhesitatingly, unblushingly, that the problem existed. Gerda
-blazoned forth the enigma in all its force and defiance.
-
-The remarkable thing about our latest acquisition was the singularly
-blank state of her gastronomic mind. There was nothing that she knew.
-Most women, and a great many men, intuitively recognize the physical
-fact that water, at a certain temperature, boils. Miss Lyberg,
-apparently seeking to earn her living in the kitchen, had no certain
-views as to when the boiling point was reached. Rumors seemed to have
-vaguely reached her that things called eggs dropped into water, would,
-in the course of time--any time, and generally less than a week--become
-eatable. Letitia bought a little egg-boiler for her--one of those
-antique arrangements in which the sands of time play to the soft-boiled
-egg. The maiden promptly boiled it with the eggs, and undoubtedly
-thought that the hen, in a moment of perturbation, or aberration, had
-laid it. I say "thought" because it is the only term I can use. It is,
-perhaps, inappropriate in connection with Gerda.
-
-Potatoes, subjected to the action of hot water, grow soft. She was
-certain of that. Whether she tested them with the poker, or with her
-hands or feet, we never knew. I inclined to the last suggestion. The
-situation was quite marvelous. Here was an alleged worker, in a
-particular field, asking the wages of skilled labor, and densely
-ignorant of every detail connected with her task. It seemed unique.
-Carpenters, plumbers, bricklayers, seamstresses, dressmakers,
-laundresses--all the sowers and reapers in the little garden of our
-daily needs, were forced by the inexorable law of competition to possess
-some inkling of the significance of their undertakings. With the cook,
-it was different. She could step jubilantly into any kitchen without the
-slightest idea of what she was expected to do there. If she knew that
-water was wet and that fire was hot, she felt amply primed to demand a
-salary.
-
-Impelled by her craving for Swedish literature, Letitia struggled with
-Miss Lyberg. Compared with the Swede, my exquisitely ignorant wife was a
-culinary queen. She was an epicurean caterer. Letitia's slate-pencil
-coffee was ambrosia for the gods, sweetest nectar, by the side of the
-dishwater that cook prepared. I began to feel quite proud of her. She
-grew to be an adept in the art of boiling water. If we could have lived
-on that fluid, everything would have moved clockworkily.
-
-"I've discovered one thing," said Letitia on the evening of the third
-day. "The girl is just a peasant, probably a worker in the fields. That
-is why she is so ignorant."
-
-I thought this reasoning foolish. "Even peasants eat, my dear," I
-muttered. "She must have seen somebody cook something. Field-workers
-have good appetites. If this woman ever ate, what did she eat and why
-can't we have the same? We have asked her for no luxuries. We have
-arrived at the stage, my poor girl, when all we need is, prosaically, to
-'fill up.' You have given her opportunities to offer us samples of
-peasant food. The result has been _nil_."
-
-"It _is_ odd," Letitia declared, a wrinkle of perplexity appearing in
-the smooth surface of her forehead. "Of course, she says she doesn't
-understand me. And yet, Archie, I have talked to her in pure Swedish."
-
-"I suppose you said, 'Pray give me a piece of venison,' from the
-conversation book."
-
-"Don't be ridiculous, Archie. I know the Swedish for cauliflower, green
-peas, spinach, a leg of mutton, mustard, roast meat, soup, and--"
-
-"'If the wind be favorable, we shall be at Gothenburg in forty hours',"
-I interrupted. She was silent, and I went on: "It seems a pity to end
-your studies in Swedish, Letitia, but fascinating though they be, they
-do not really necessitate our keeping this barbarian. You can always
-pursue them, and exercise on me. I don't mind. Even with an American
-cook, if such a being exist, you could still continue to ask for venison
-steak in Swedish, and to look forward to arriving at Gothenburg in forty
-hours."
-
-Letitia declined to argue. My mood was that known as cranky. We were in
-the drawing-room, after what we were compelled to call dinner. It had
-consisted of steak, burned to cinders, potatoes soaked to a pulp, and a
-rice pudding that looked like a poultice the morning after, and possibly
-tasted like one. Letitia had been shopping, and was therefore unable to
-supervise. Our delicate repast was capped by "black" coffee of an
-indefinite straw-color, and with globules of grease on the surface.
-People who can feel elated with the joy of living, after a dinner of
-this description, are assuredly both mentally and morally lacking. Men
-and women there are who will say: "Oh, give me anything. I'm not
-particular--so long as it is plain and wholesome." I've met many of
-these people. My experience of them is that they are the greatest
-gluttons on earth, with veritably voracious appetites, and that the best
-isn't good enough for them. To be sure, at a pinch, they will demolish a
-score of potatoes, if there be nothing else; but offer them caviare,
-canvas-back duck, quail, and nesselrode pudding, and they will look
-askance at food that is plain and wholesome. The "plain and wholesome"
-liver is a snare and a delusion, like the "bluff and genial" visitor
-whose geniality veils all sorts of satire and merciless comment.
-
-Letitia and I both felt weak and miserable. We had made up our minds not
-to dine out. We were resolved to keep the home up, even if, in return,
-the home kept us down. Give in, we wouldn't. Our fighting blood was up.
-We firmly determined not to degenerate into that clammy American
-institution, the boarding-house feeder and the restaurant diner. We
-knew the type; in the feminine, it sits at table with its bonnet on, and
-a sullen gnawing expression of animal hunger; in the masculine, it puts
-its own knife in the butter, and uses a toothpick. No cook--no--lack of
-cook--should drive us to these abysmal depths.
-
-Letitia made no feint at Ovid. I simply declined to breathe the breath
-of _The Lives of Great Men_. She read a sweet little classic called "The
-Table; How to Buy Food, How to Cook It, and How to Serve It," by
-Alessandro Filippini--a delightful _table-d'hôte_-y name. I lay back in
-my chair and frowned, waiting until Letitia chose to break the silence.
-As she was a most chattily inclined person on all occasions, I reasoned
-that I should not have to wait long. I was right.
-
-"Archie," said she, "according to this book, there is no place in the
-civilized world that contains so large a number of so-called
-high-livers, as New York City, which was educated by the famous
-Delmonico and his able lieutenants."
-
-"Great Heaven!" I exclaimed with a groan, "why rub it in, Letitia? I
-should also say that no city in the world contained so large a number of
-low-livers."
-
-"'Westward the course of Empire sways,'" she read, "'and the great glory
-of the past has departed from those centers where the culinary art at
-one time defied all rivals. The scepter of supremacy has passed into the
-hands of the metropolis of the New World'."
-
-"What sickening cant!" I cried. "What fiendishly exaggerated restaurant
-talk! There are perhaps fifty fine restaurants in New York. In Paris,
-there are five hundred finer. Here we have places to eat in; there, they
-have artistic resorts to dine in. One can dine anywhere in Paris. In New
-York, save for those fifty fine restaurants, one feeds. Don't read any
-more of your cook-book to me, my girl. It is written to catch the
-American trade, with the subtile pen of flattery."
-
-"Try and be patriotic, dear," she said soothingly. "Of course, I know
-you wouldn't allow a Frenchman to say all that, and that you are just
-talking cussedly with your own wife."
-
-A ring at the bell caused a diversion. We hailed it. We were in the
-humor to hail anything. The domestic hearth _was_ most trying. We were
-bored to death. I sprang up and ran to the door, a little pastime to
-which I was growing accustomed. Three tittering young women, each
-wearing a hat in which roses, violets, poppies, cornflowers,
-forget-me-nots, feathers and ribbons ran riot, confronted me.
-
-"Miss Gerda Lyberg?" said the foremost, who wore a bright red gown, and
-from whose hat six spiteful poppies lurched forward and almost hit me in
-the face.
-
-For a moment, dazed from the cook-book, I was nonplussed. All I could
-say was "No," meaning that I wasn't Miss Gerda Lyberg. I felt so sure
-that I wasn't, that I was about to close the door.
-
-"She lives here, I believe," asserted the damsel, again shooting forth
-the poppies.
-
-I came to myself with an effort. "She is the--the cook," I muttered
-weakly.
-
-"We are her friends," quoth the damsel, an indignant inflection in her
-voice. "Kindly let us in. We've come to the Thursday sociable."
-
-The three bedizened ladies entered without further parley and went
-toward the kitchen, instinctively recognizing its direction. I was
-amazed. I heard a noisy greeting, a peal of laughter, a confusion of
-tongues, and then--I groped my way back to Letitia.
-
-"They've come to the Thursday sociable!" I cried, and sank into a chair.
-
-"Who?" she asked in astonishment, and I imparted to her the full extent
-of my knowledge. Letitia took it very nicely. She had always heard, she
-said, in fact Mrs. Archer had told her, that Thursday nights were
-festival occasions with the Swedes. She thought it rather a pleasant
-and convivial notion. Servants must enjoy themselves, after all. Better
-a happy gathering of girls than a rowdy collection of men. Letitia
-thought the idea felicitous. She had no objections to giving privileges
-to a cook. Nor had I, for the matter of that. I ventured to remark,
-however, that Gerda didn't seem to be a cook.
-
-"Then let us call her a 'girl'," said Letitia, irritated at last.
-
-"Gerda is a girl, only because she isn't a boy," I remarked tauntingly.
-"If by 'girl' you even mean servant, then Gerda isn't a girl. Goodness
-knows what she is. Hello! Another ring!"
-
-This time, Miss Lyberg herself went to the door, and we listened. More
-arrivals for the sociable; four Swedish guests, all equally gaily
-attired in flower hats. Some of them wore bangles, the noise of which,
-in the hall, sounded like an infuriation of sleigh-bells. They were
-Christina and Sophie and Sadie and Alexandra--as we soon learned. It was
-wonderful how welcome Gerda made them, and how quickly they were "at
-home." They rustled through the halls, chatting and laughing and
-humming. Such merry girls! Such light-hearted little charmers! Letitia
-stood looking at them through the crack of the drawing-room door.
-Perhaps it was just as well that somebody should have a good time in our
-house.
-
-"Just the same, Letitia," I observed, galled, "I think I should say
-to-morrow that this invasion is most impertinent--most uncalled for."
-
-"Yes, Archie," said Letitia demurely, "you think you should say it. But
-please don't think _I_ shall, for I assure you that I shan't. I suppose
-that we must discharge her. She can't do anything and she doesn't want
-to learn. I don't blame her. She can always get the wages she asks, by
-doing nothing. You would pursue a similar policy, Archie, if it were
-possible. Everybody would. But all other laborers must know how to
-labor."
-
-I was glad to hear Letitia echoing my sentiments. She was quite
-unconsciously plagiarizing. Once again, she took up the cook-book. The
-sound of merrymaking in the kitchen drifted in upon us. From what we
-could gather, Gerda seemed to be "dressing up" for the delectation of
-her guests. Shrieks of laughter and clapping of hands made us wince. My
-nerves were on edge. Had any one at that moment dared to suggest that
-there was even a suspicion of humor in these proceedings, I should have
-slain him without compunction. Letitia was less irate and tried to
-comfort me.
-
-"You've no idea what hundreds of ways there are of cooking eggs,
-Archie," she said. "Do listen to me, dear. I'm trying so hard to be
-domesticated, and I do so want to please you. Don't let cook come
-between us. Here's a recipe for eggs _à la reine_ that reads most
-charmingly. Are you listening, Archie?"
-
-Letitia came over to me, and kissed me, and smoothed my hair, and
-apologized, and asked me to help her with her cook-book--and I was
-pacified. At another time, I should not have allowed her to apologize.
-But as there were eight obstreperous women in our kitchen and Letitia
-didn't object--well, I thought the apology was not out of place.
-
-"How to make eggs _à la reine_," read Letitia lightly. "You prepare
-twelve eggs as for the above."
-
-"What's 'as for the above'?" I asked.
-
-"Let me see. Ah, yes. 'As for the above' means as for eggs _à la
-Meyerbeer_. To make eggs _à la reine_, you prepare twelve eggs as though
-for eggs '_à la Meyerbeer_.' It's simple."
-
-"But we don't know how to make eggs '_à la Meyerbeer_'," I protested,
-thinking of the _pons asinorum_ in Euclid that had caused me bitter
-anguish.
-
-"To make eggs '_à la Meyerbeer_'," read Letitia, "you butter a silver
-dish, and break into it twelve fresh eggs--"
-
-"Twelve!" I cried. "My dear, we should be ill. We should die of
-biliousness. Six eggs apiece!"
-
-"Twelve _fresh_ eggs, Archie. I'm giving you Filippini's recipe. You
-break the eggs into a silver dish, and cook them on the stove for two
-minutes. Then cut six mutton kidneys in halves--"
-
-"Six kidneys and twelve eggs!" I exclaimed. "Surely this is a recipe
-for--for--horses."
-
-"We are not obliged to eat it all at once, silly! After cutting the
-mutton kidneys in halves, you broil or stew them according to taste,
-then add them to the eggs and serve with half a pint of hot _Perigueux
-sauce_, thrown over."
-
-"What's _Perigueux sauce_?"
-
-"See No. 191," continued Letitia, in a somewhat stupefied tone. "How
-confusing! No. 191. Here it is. _Perigueux sauce_: Chop up very fine two
-truffles. Place them in a sautoire with a glass of Madeira wine. Reduce
-on the hot stove for five minutes. Add half a pint of _Espagnole sauce_.
-For _Espagnole sauce_, see No. 151."
-
-"What a labyrinth!" I said, feeling quite muddled; "it's like following
-a maze. We may as well see the thing through. What does No. 151 say?"
-
-"No. 151. _Sauce Espagnole_. Mix one pint of raw, strong, mirepoix--"
-
-"Raw, strong what?"
-
-"Raw, strong mirepoix--oh, Archie, see No. 138. In one minute I shall
-forget what we really wanted to make. Isn't it positively bewildering?
-See No. 138. Stew in a saucepan two ounces of fat, two carrots, one
-onion, one sprig of thyme, one bay leaf, six whole peppers, three
-cloves, and, if handy, a hambone cut into pieces. Add two sprigs of
-celery, and half a bunch of parsley roots, cook for fifteen minutes."
-
-"And then--what do you get?" I asked putting my hands to my fevered
-brow.
-
-"That's for the mirepoix," she replied; "and the mirepoix is for the
-_Espagnole sauce_. You mix one pint of raw strong mirepoix with five
-ounces of good fat (chicken's fat is preferable). Mix with the compound
-four ounces of flour, and moisten with one gallon of white broth. See
-No. 99."
-
-"Heavens! Can't they bring it to a head? The twelve eggs and the six
-kidneys are waiting, Letitia."
-
-"It _is_ most exasperating, but we won't be worsted, Archie. See No. 99.
-White broth. There's half a page about it. I--I really don't believe
-that this flat is large enough to hold all the ingredients for this
-dish. You place in a large stock-urn, on a moderate fire, a good heavy
-knuckle of fine white veal with all the _débris_, or scraps of meat,
-cover fully with water, add salt, carrots, turnips, onions, parsley,
-leeks, celery. Boil six hours--"
-
-"What--what are we trying to make?" I asked helplessly.
-
-Letitia was equally dismayed. "I declare I almost forget. Let me see:
-The white broth was to be mixed with the mirepoix; the mirepoix was for
-the _sauce Espagnole_; the _sauce Espagnole_ was for the _Perigueux
-sauce_; the _Perigueux sauce_ was for the eggs _à la Meyerbeer_. We know
-that, don't we? Well, for eggs _à la reine_. At present we know how to
-make eggs _à la Meyerbeer_. To cook eggs _à la reine_, you proceed as
-for eggs _à la Meyerbeer_, and then--"
-
-"I don't think we'll have any, Letitia," I ventured. "Really, I believe
-I can do without them. Anyway, they would be rather indigestible."
-
-"Well, I _will_ know the end," she declared pluckily. "I hate to be
-beaten. We know how to make eggs _à la Meyerbeer_. We know that, don't
-we? Well, for the eggs _à la reine_, you make a garnishing of one ounce
-of cooked chicken breast, one finely-shred, medium-sized truffle, and
-six minced mushrooms. You moisten with half a pint of good _Allemande
-sauce_, see No. 210. No, I won't see No. 210. You're right, Archie.
-We'll do without the eggs _à la reine_. This recipe is like the House
-That Jack Built, only much worse, for, you have to 'see' things all the
-time. We'll have just plain, soft-boiled eggs."
-
-"You might learn how to cook those, dear," I suggested timidly. "No,
-Letitia, don't be vexed. There must be an art in it. We've had four
-cooks, all unable to boil eggs. There must be a knack."
-
-Letitia sighed, and shut up the cook-book. Eggs _à la reine_ seemed as
-difficult as trigonometry, or conic sections, or differential
-calculus--and much more expensive. Certainly, the eight giggling cooks
-in the kitchen, now at the very height of their exhilaration, worried
-themselves little about such concoctions. My nerves again began to play
-pranks. The devilish pandemonium infuriated me. Letitia was tired and
-wanted to go to bed. I was tired and hungry and disillusioned. It was
-close upon midnight and the Swedish Thursday was about over. I thought
-it unwise to allow them even an initial minute of Friday. When the clock
-struck twelve, I marched majestically to the kitchen, threw open the
-door, revealed the octette in the enjoyment of a mound of ice-cream and
-a mountain of cake--that in my famished condition made my mouth
-water--and announced in a severe, jet subdued tone, that the revel must
-cease.
-
-"You must go at once," I said, "I am going to shut up the house."
-
-Then I withdrew and waited. There was a delay, during which a Babel of
-tongues was let loose, and then Miss Lyberg's seven guests were heard
-noisily leaving the house. Two minutes later, there was a knock at our
-door and Miss Lyberg appeared, her eyes blazing, her face flushed and
-the expression of the hunted antelope defiantly asserting that it would
-never be brought to bay, on her perspiring features.
-
-"You've insulted my guests!" she cried, in English as good as my own.
-"I've had to turn them out of the house, and I've had about enough of
-this place."
-
-Letitia's face was a psychological study. Amazement, consternation,
-humiliation--all seemed determined to possess her. Here was the obtuse
-Swede, for whose dear sake she had dallied with the intricacies of the
-language of Stockholm, furiously familiar with admirable English! The
-dense, dumb Scandinavian--the lady of the "me no understand"
-rejoinder--apparently had the "gift of tongues." Letitia trembled.
-Rarely have I seen her so thoroughly perturbed. Yet seemingly she was
-unwilling to credit the testimony of her own ears, for with sudden
-energy, she confronted Miss Lyberg, and exclaimed imperiously, in
-Swedish that was either pure or impure: "_Tig. Ga din väg!_"
-
-"Ah, come off!" cried the handmaiden insolently. "I understand English.
-I haven't been in this country fifteen years for nothing. It's just on
-account of folks like you that poor hard-working girls, who ain't
-allowed to take no baths or entertain no lady friends, have to protect
-themselves. Pretend not to understand them, says I. I've found it worked
-before this. If they think you don't understand 'em, they'll let you
-alone and stop worriting. It's like your impidence to turn my
-lady-friends out of this flat. It's like your impidence. I'll--"
-
-Letitia's crestfallen look, following upon her perturbation, completely
-upset me. A wave of indignation swamped me. I advanced, and in another
-minute Miss Gerda Lyberg would have found herself in the hall, impelled
-there by a persuasive hand upon her shoulder. However, it was not to be.
-
-"You just lay a hand on me," she said with cold deliberation, and a
-smile, "and I'll have you arrested for assault. Oh, I know the law. I
-haven't been in this country fifteen years for nothing. The law looks
-after poor weak, Swedish girls. Just push me out. It's all I ask. Just
-you push me out."
-
-She edged up to me defiantly. My blood boiled. I would have mortgaged
-the prospects of my _Lives of Great Men_ (not that they were worth
-mortgaging) for the exquisite satisfaction of confounding this
-abominable woman. Then I saw the peril of the situation. I thought of
-horrid headlines in the papers: "Author charged with abusing servant
-girl," or, "Arrest of Archibald Fairfax on serious charge," and my mood
-changed.
-
-"I understood you all the time," continued Miss Lyberg insultingly. "I
-listened to you. I knew what you thought of me. Now I'm telling you what
-I think of you. The idea of turning out my lady-friends, on a Thursday
-night, too! And me a-slaving for them, and a-bathing for them, and
-a-treating them to ice-cream and cake, and in me own kitchen. You ain't
-no lady. As for you"--I seemed to be her particular pet--"when I sees a
-man around the house all the time, a-molly-coddling and a-fussing, I
-says to myself, he ain't much good if he can't trust the women folk
-alone."
-
-We stood there like dummies, listening to the tirade. What could we do?
-To be sure, there were two of us, and we were in our own house. The
-antagonist, however, was a servant, not in her own house. The situation,
-for reasons that it is impossible to define, was hers. She knew it, too.
-We allowed her full sway, because we couldn't help it. The sympathy of
-the public, in case of violent measures, would not have been on our
-side. The poor domestic, oppressed and enslaved, would have appealed to
-any jury of married men, living luxuriously in cheap boarding-houses!
-
-When she left us, as she did when she was completely ready to do so,
-Letitia began to cry. The sight of her tears unnerved me, and I checked
-a most unfeeling remark that I intended to make to the effect that, "if
-the wind be favorable, we shall be at Gothenburg in forty hours."
-
-"It's not that I mind her insolence," she sobbed, "we were going to
-send her off anyway, weren't we? But it's so humiliating to be
-'done.' We've been 'done.' Here have I been working hard at
-Swedish--writing exercises, learning verbs, studying proverbs--just
-to talk to a woman who speaks English as well as I do.
-It's--it's--so--so--mor--mortifying."
-
-"Never mind, dear," I said, drying her eyes for her; "the Swedish will
-come in handy some day."
-
-"No," she declared vehemently, "don't say that you'll take me to Sweden.
-I wouldn't go to the hateful country. It's a hideous language, anyway,
-isn't it, Archie? It is a nasty, laconic, ugly tongue. You heard me say
-_Tig_ to her just now. _Tig_ means 'be silent.' Could anything sound
-more repulsive? _Tig! Tig! Ugh!_"
-
-Letitia stamped her foot. She was exceeding wroth.
-
-"Aunt Julia, and her clean slate!" she went on. "If this was a sample of
-a clean slate, give me one that has been scribbled all over. The
-annoying thing is that we have to stand still and listen to all this
-abuse. These women seem to hate one so! They are always on the
-defensive, when there is nothing to defend. They won't let you treat
-them nicely. Honestly, Archie, I think that they are all anarchists and
-that they hate us because we have a few dollars more than they have."
-
-It was rather a grave assertion but I was not prepared to combat it.
-Could it be the fault of our "system"--admitting, for the sake of
-argument, that we have a system? Why did peasants, from the purlieus of
-foreign countries, undergo a "sea change" the instant they landed? Why
-did ladies who would have clamored to black your shoes in their own
-country, insist that you should black theirs when they came to yours?
-Why was it? What did it mean? Surely it was a problem, as knotty as that
-of the cooking of eggs _à la reine_. Still, undoubtedly, there are chefs
-who have succeeded in elaborating the eggs _à la reine_. Were there any
-people in this broad land, who, by dint of a life's persistence, had
-managed to understand their cook?
-
-Letitia declined to talk any more. I could have harangued a mob. I
-could have stood on a wagon, without flags, and have incited the
-populace to deeds of violence. I should have loved to do it; I ached for
-the mere chance, and--and--
-
-Well, I merely switched off the light.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER XIV
-
-
-Those who have followed me thus far through this sad, eventful history
-must have perceived that the little refinements of home life with which
-we had started to adorn our domestic hearth were being gradually starved
-to death. Yes, I know that many people will contemptuously allude to
-these "little refinements" as "little affectations." It all depends upon
-the point of view. I have been in towns where a man bold enough to wear
-a clean collar and a whole suit was disdainfully voted a dude; I have
-flitted through communities that would have derisively hooted at a silk
-hat. In western villages I have seen a gloved hand impertinently stared
-at, and have heard it discussed as a triumph of effeminacy--the sort of
-thing that might have caused the downfall of the Roman Empire. It all
-depends, assuredly, upon the point of view.
-
-Our troubles were, of course, largely due to our bringing-up. We
-believed in the home, not as a mere place to sleep in, or a
-city-directory address for the reception of letters, but as the main
-feature of our life. We wanted to live there, entertain our friends
-there, and later on, perhaps, die there. The "bluff and genial" men
-will, of course, assert that I was a milksop, because I declined to sit
-around in shirt-sleeves, in the presence of my wife, and commune
-unaffectedly with the usual hand-painted cuspidor. The "bluff and
-genial" women will vote my poor Letitia airy because she didn't polish
-kitchen stoves, or hang out the very intimacies of her underwear on
-pulley lines. You see, we had always been lucky enough to find women
-willing to do these odd jobs for us. In business, a broker isn't
-considered a dude because he declines to be his own office-boy. He
-obtains the luxury of "help." His office-boy is perhaps an anarchist,
-but his wings are clipped and he receives no encouragement. Why is it
-that Letitia, perfectly willing to pay somebody to remove the rough
-edges from domestic existence, should be dubbed airy?
-
-Certainly every well-regulated person with a home must rebel at the
-notion of opening the front door every time the bell rings. Surely each
-self-respecting man or women covets the privilege of being "out" to
-unwelcome visitors. The mere idea of being always "in" to every Tom,
-Dick and Harry, is loathsome. Yet that was our plight. If our bitterest
-enemy called, he would see us. The sweetest lie in the world is that
-told by the neat-handed Phyllis, when she pertly remarks "Not at home"
-to the unloved caller. That sweetest lie was an impossibility for poor
-Letitia and her husband.
-
-And so it was on the evening of the second day after the departure of
-the _svensk_ atrocity, Letitia came to me in the dining-room, as I
-smoked the pipe of alleged peace, in a most mysterious manner. She had a
-card in her hand, and her mood was--if I may say so--hectic.
-
-"We shall have to see her, Archie," she said. "You see, I couldn't say I
-was out. She was very persistent, and pushed her way in. I was obliged
-to ask her into the drawing-room. She is"--reading the card--"Miss
-Priscilla Perfoozle."
-
-"A cook!" I exclaimed joyously. "Oh, Letitia, I'm so glad!"
-
-"No, Archie. She is Miss Priscilla Perfoozle, representing"--again
-reading the card--"the Society for the Amelioration of the Condition of
-the Cooks of New York City."
-
-I thought Letitia was joking--that, perchance, a horrible sense of humor
-was sprouting. We had dined out, most pleasantly, and were temporarily
-lulled into an agreeable lethargy of endurance. If this were a jest, it
-was certainly a very sorry one. I sprang up and looked at the card.
-There was no deception. It was, as Letitia said, the pasteboard of "Miss
-Priscilla Perfoozle, representing the Society for the Amelioration of
-the Condition of the Cooks of New York City."
-
-"What--impertinence!" I exclaimed, and the little dash between the two
-words signifies a profane expression that never before, during our short
-married life, had I been tempted to use.
-
-Letitia flushed. "Don't, dear," she said. "We must see her. It can't do
-any harm, for we have nothing to do. And, Archie, _please_ don't be
-rude, or impolite. Remember, I beg of you, that you are in your own
-house."
-
-I always was when my system simply pined for a bit of impoliteness.
-Whenever I ached to be rude, I was reminded that I was at home. It was
-most exasperating. However, I promised Letitia that there should be no
-outbreak; that I would be as suave as I could, and that Miss Priscilla
-Perfoozle should escape with all her bones intact--and the sooner the
-better.
-
-We found her seated by the tiger-head, over which I firmly believed and
-hoped that she had tripped, for she was rubbing her shin. She was a
-large, gaunt, yellow spinster, with a loose, flappy mouth, that looked
-as though it should have been buttoned up when she was not using it.
-She wore black silk, like the ruined ladies in melodrama, and a neat
-bonnet, fastened under her chin by velvet strings.
-
-She rose, as we entered, and unchained a smile. It was one of those
-smiles that some Christians call loving. Her unbuttoned mouth--even a
-hook-and-eye on each lip would have been most serviceable--revealed a
-picturesque of the falsest sort of false teeth (this style ten dollars),
-but she was not a bit abashed. I felt perfectly convinced that she was
-determined to love us--that, even if we threw a vase at her, she would
-still consider us ineffably dear. She extended her hand to each of us--a
-hand in a black _glacé_ kid glove that was too long for her fingers.
-
-"Be seated," said Letitia, with much unnecessary dignity.
-
-"I dare say you have heard of the Society for the Amelioration of the
-Condition of the Cooks in New York City," she began chastely; "you must
-have read of the good work it is doing in the interests of those poor,
-downtrodden girls who seek only to earn a living in the houses of the
-rich and prosperous. The good work the society is doing, Mrs.
-Fairfax--by-the-by, I obtained your name at Mrs. Greaseheaver's
-intelligence office--is beyond all question. I am merely a missionary,
-aiming by means of heart-to-heart talks to awaken an interest, a human
-interest, in the sad lives of domestic servants, so that a few rays of
-sunlight may ultimately permeate their dull and wretched days."
-
-Letitia looked pleadingly at me, as I moved uneasily. She laid her hand,
-as though unconsciously, upon an Indian paper-cutter in my vicinity. The
-edges were very sharp.
-
-"My heart aches for them," continued Miss Perfoozle feelingly, "I might
-almost say that it bleeds. I listen to their stories day by day, in
-tears--positively tears, Mrs. Fairfax. It is perhaps silly of me to give
-way--I know I am a foolish little thing--but I can not help it. I am
-very, very susceptible. I am devoting my life to the glorious task of
-improving their state. By the distribution of tracts, we reach the poor
-girls themselves. They come to us; we board and bed them, and we
-endeavor to place them with ladies whose antecedents we have diligently
-investigated."
-
-"You have an intelligence office, then?" asked Letitia naïvely.
-
-"Ah, do not say it," implored Miss Perfoozle, with ten black _glacé_
-fingers outstretched like claws. "The term has passed into such
-disrepute, dear Mrs. Fairfax. Naturally our society has to be
-supported, though most of the ladies comprising its members would
-gladly give their little all to the beautiful cause. My little all, I
-frequently contribute."
-
-"Then your society depends upon these little alls?" I asked, peacefully
-resolved to probe the Perfoozle as a pastime.
-
-"It could not be," she replied piously. "We charge the girls we place a
-percentage of their first salary--merely a nominal percentage, dear Mrs.
-Fairfax. We seek to place them with reputable, God-fearing
-people--Christians preferred, though we have no rooted objections to
-Jews. Our society has decided that the question of domestic help _is_ a
-question merely because most employers are cruel and abusive. Treat the
-employers and not the girls. That, dear Mr. and Mrs. Fairfax, is the
-motto of the Society for the Amelioration of the Condition of the Cooks
-in New York City."
-
-Letitia withdrew her hand from the Indian paper-knife, after pushing it
-in my direction. I gleaned from that trifling fact that Letitia was
-quite willing to let me do my worst. Her face flushed as she listened to
-the dulcet utterances of the sweetly insolent Perfoozle.
-
-"If I mistake not," continued the spinster, "you employed a worker
-calling herself Mrs. McCaffrey?"
-
-Letitia started. I winced. Horrible memories surged within us. Old
-wounds re-ached. We did not answer.
-
-"A most worthy person," resumed the Perfoozle serenely, "a beautiful
-character. A Christian. She came to us, Mrs. Fairfax, crushed. Her
-little girl--one of the sweetest little things I have met--contracted
-mumps, she tells me, owing to the unsanitary conditions of the house. I
-am not here to scold. I have no right to do so. But, frankly, I must
-admit that my warm sympathies were extended toward Mrs. McCaffrey. Do
-not be angry with me, Mrs. Fairfax. We are all human creatures, working
-in a common cause. You look good and kind, both of you, yet in the case
-of poor Birdie, will you let me say that I can not give you right? I
-dare not. Ah, my dear young people, why--why should you torture human
-souls? Think--think that you may meet your cooks in the after-life."
-
-This was a horrid aspect of immortality that I had never contemplated.
-Letitia was smiling, almost as though she possessed a sense of humor. My
-wife's mood inspired me. We might probably dally with Priscilla
-Perfoozle for a half-hour or so.
-
-"We hope to go to Heaven, Miss Perfoozle," I ventured, with a sacred
-intonation.
-
-"I hope so, too, dear young people," she bleated.
-
-"In that case, we shall not meet our cooks," I continued. "All those we
-have had will most assuredly go to hell, as incompetent, abusive,
-mercenary, home-destroying, ignorant obstructions. You have no branches
-in--er--hell, Miss Perfoozle?"
-
-I had mentally suggested dallying toyfully with Priscilla, for a
-half-hour or so. The gentle query anent Hades showed me instantly,
-however, that while Priscilla was a good many things, she was not a
-fool. Her eyes snapped at my remark, and one of them, that looked a
-trifle squinty, turned deliberately inward, and gave her a most sinister
-aspect. Piety was certainly hers, in a Pecksniffian sense, but the
-commercial instinct leavened the loaf. That she intended to be-cook us
-from her own larder, was manifest; that she wished to "investigate" us
-so that she could be certain of one month for her cook and its happy
-percentage for herself, was clear. There was method in the Perfoozle
-madness, and I resolved calmly, and unangrily, to "see it through."
-
-"You are profane, Mr. Fairfax," she said with a sickly smile, "but I
-expect it. The laborers in humanity's vineyard have much to contend
-with. But we persevere. We are smitten on one cheek, but we cheerfully
-turn the other. Moreover, you do not mean to offend. I know it. I bear
-no malice. We will say no more about the poor widow, Mrs. McCaffrey,
-whom, by-the-by, I have placed on Fifth Avenue, at a salary of forty
-dollars per month."
-
-"I'm sorry for your percentage, Miss Perfoozle," remarked Letitia with
-glorious acidity. "You can see it, perhaps. I can't."
-
-"You think--" began the spinster nervously, moved by the pecuniary
-insinuation.
-
-"No," retorted Letitia. "I am sure."
-
-Miss Perfoozle was silent for a moment, plunged in thought. Perhaps,
-like Mr. James Russell of variety renown, she thought she saw two
-dollars. However, although by no means naked, she was unashamed. She
-righted herself speedily. Piety was reinstated and she beamed upon us
-beatifically.
-
-"Your troubles," she went on, "and I am right in assuming that you have
-them?--are not serious, my dear young people. They are the result of the
-ugly American habit of flouting inferiors. This is a democracy, yet the
-classes are too bitterly outlined. Some time ago, I visited a young
-couple in a walk of life more humble than yours. They had been unable to
-keep help. They were desperate. They talked of breaking up their home. I
-carefully investigated their case, and discovered that the evil was due
-to the fact that they had been taught to regard a cook as an inferior.
-I undertook to send them a young country girl, who was very anxious to
-study New York. My condition was that they treat her as an equal. At
-first they rebelled, but--they were desperate. They agreed. I sent them
-the girl--a sweet young woman, named Sybil Montmorency. They took to her
-at once. She sat at table with them; she went out with them; in the
-evenings, she read with them. They showed her the sights of New
-York--the Statue of Liberty, the Aquarium, the new Bridge. Sybil was
-delighted. She told me that she felt that she was merely a boarder--and
-was actually paid to board. She liked it immensely. She was as happy as
-a lark, until--"
-
-"I suppose she needed a change of scene?" I suggested.
-
-"Not at all," viciously asserted the Perfoozle. "They broke their
-agreement--deliberately. It appears that they were very musical. They
-had subscribed for the series of Philharmonic concerts. Actually--would
-you believe it, Mrs. Fairfax?--they declined to live up to their word.
-They refused to take little Sybil, who was just as musical as
-they--precisely as musical. Naturally the poor child was incensed. There
-she was, compelled to sit at home, alone, while they were out enjoying
-themselves! Now, this is a democratic country--I am an American to the
-roots of my hair--and I admit that I was furious. I have blacklisted
-this couple. Never another girl shall they have from my establishment. I
-have Sybil on my hands. She is hard to place, for she is so pure and
-good."
-
-"I suppose she is an excellent cook?" I asked demurely.
-
-"I never permitted myself to ask her such a question," replied Miss
-Perfoozle. "In the case of some women, of course, such questions may be
-necessary. It would have been an impertinence in the instance of Miss
-Montmorency. Such a girl was an ornament to any home. I suppose she
-could cook. Anybody can. It is a detail. Of course, the case I have just
-mentioned is extreme. I do not insist upon terms of equality. The
-haughtiness of American women render equality impossible, just at
-present. Later on, perhaps, when the glorious spirit of democracy--the
-democracy of Jefferson--has really instilled itself into our
-institutions. But, I beg of you, Mrs. Fairfax, as you hope for domestic
-happiness, to try and avoid the use of that most pernicious word,
-servant. Ah, my blood boils at the word."
-
-"You prefer help?" asked Letitia.
-
-"It is a nice point. Help has also become equally obnoxious. I call my
-girls house-mates, or domestic companions, or house-aids. Poor
-downtrodden women! They love to be called companions. Their hearts
-expand at the notion of companionship. Let me ask you one thing, Mrs.
-Fairfax." (She deliberately snubbed me.) "Have you ever sought to
-analyze the sensations of one of our dear sisters, when she goes out for
-the first time, to cook for strange people in a strange house, far away
-from her loved ones?"
-
-"Well," said Letitia quite amiably, "I suppose that her sensations, if
-she doesn't know what cooking means, must be uncomfortable. She must
-feel, or should feel, that she is obtaining money under false pretenses.
-If she _can_ cook, she is probably pleased at the notion of earning her
-own living."
-
-"Ah, you are hard, hard!" groaned Perfoozle, wringing her _glacé_ kids.
-"You are relentless. I am sorry I told you the story of Sybil
-Montmorency. But do not believe"--her commercial instinct apparently sat
-up and snorted--"that all my girls are similar. This case was unique,
-though I trust that in the years to come it will be quite ordinary, and
-everyday. What I am particularly anxious to tell you, for you are bound
-to be impressed by the fact, is that the authority of Pope Pius IX is
-exquisitely permeated through our scheme."
-
-"Hasn't the Pope a cook?" I asked, wondering how he would like Mrs.
-Potzenheimer as an ornament to the Vatican--or gentle Gerda Lyberg.
-
-"Ah, I beseech you, Mr. Fairfax!" cried Priscilla, her lips flapping.
-"The Pope has laid down certain rules to govern the Christian democracy.
-Thanks to a Paulist Father--who has one of our girls at thirty-two
-dollars a month (and she has already been there four days!)--I have been
-able to see those rules. The Holy Father says that it is an obligation
-for the rich and for those that own property, to succor the poor and the
-indigent, according to the precepts of the Gospel. They must not injure
-their savings by violence or fraud, nor expose them to corruption or
-danger of scandal, nor alienate them from the spirit of family life, nor
-impose on them labor beyond their strength or unsuitable to their age or
-sex--"
-
-"Pardon me," I interrupted, "but what do you suppose the Pope would say
-if he found his cook taking a bath in the kitchen, among the dinner
-things?"
-
-"You shock me!" cried Miss Perfoozle, with a little shriek. "You shock
-me, but--again I say--I do not mind. We missionaries must expect it. The
-Pope, dear brother Fairfax, would, I trust, never enter his kitchen.
-Therefore he could not perceive the eccentric case you suggest. If
-perchance, he did perceive it, he would say that cleanliness was next to
-godliness and godliness superior to dinner things. In addition to the
-Pope's words, which I learned by heart, I have the utterances of a
-famous diocesan director of charitable institutions. I have not
-memorized them, as, famous though the director be, he is not the Pope. I
-will read you what he says."
-
-She drew from her pocket a soiled tract, and read:
-
-"'Anything that will tend to do away with the friction that is to be
-found so often to-day between the employer and the employed, is to be
-commended and assisted.' It is short, but pithy. Note that he says,
-'anything'. You will also have observed that the word servant is never
-used."
-
-"Do you remember a certain quotation from Bacon, Miss Perfoozle?" I
-queried, "that which says: 'Men in great place are thrice
-servants--servants of the sovereign, or state--servants of fame, and
-servants of business.' Must we alter all this? If so, we should also
-re-edit the Bible. Can your cooks bear to read the Bible? Can they
-condescend to consider themselves as servants, even of the Almighty?"
-
-Miss Perfoozle looked frightened. She blanched--if such an expression
-can be used in connection with her yellow face. However, she rose to the
-occasion.
-
-"You affect to misunderstand me," she said resignedly, "but I know that
-you are impressed in spite of yourself. It is difficult to plant the
-seed, but I feel that it is planted. 'As ye sow, so shall ye reap.' I
-shall expect to reap, dear young people. Ah, what a pretty home you
-have. This cunning little parlor is a veritable curiosity shop. It is
-full of pretty gew-gaws." (She looked rather spitefully at the
-tiger-head.) "Such a tasteful little home! May I--may I, dear Mrs.
-Fairfax, take a peep at the room you give to the dear sister who is so
-willing and anxious to wait on you?"
-
-Letitia was about to make an indignant remark. I saw it coming.
-Fortunately, Miss Perfoozle didn't appeal to me quite seriously.
-
-"Leave her to me, Letitia," I whispered to my wife, as Priscilla's
-bonneted head was momentarily averted. Then to Miss Perfoozle:
-"Certainly, my dear mademoiselle," I said, "come this way, and be
-lenient with us. We try to do the best we can for our dear sisters."
-
-I led her to our bedroom. It was a pretty room, small but natty. The
-brass bedstead was elaborate with onyx trimmings. There was a handsome,
-pale-blue satin eiderdown upon it. A large cheval-glass stood in the
-corner, beveled and glistening. The bureau was littered with dainty bits
-of silver--puff-boxes, manicure articles, hair-curlers, brushes, combs,
-jars, bottles, cases. There were two windows, from each of which trailed
-expensive curtains of Renaissance lace.
-
-"This is cook's room," I said, biting my lips, while Letitia stuffed a
-small lace handkerchief into her mouth. "Of course, it is very small
-but--"
-
-"It is charming," cried Miss Perfoozle ingenuously. "Positively, my dear
-Mrs. Fairfax, I shouldn't mind it in the least for myself. I
-believe--nay, I am sure--that I could put up with it."
-
-"Oh, Miss Perfoozle!" I exclaimed deprecatingly, "how can you say such a
-thing? It is kind of you. You are trying to put us at our ease."
-
-"Was this Mrs. McCaffrey's room?" she asked, a tinge of suspicion in her
-tone.
-
-"Certainly," I cheerfully lied, "Birdie and her dear little child both
-slept here. My wife was so sorry that there wasn't a night-nursery for
-the little one. Yes, Miss Perfoozle, they both slept here, until the
-child contracted that horrid case of mumps."
-
-"Ah, there is running water in the room," exclaimed Perfoozle, spotting
-the marble basin. "It is always unhealthy. I look upon it as distinctly
-unsanitary. Probably it accounts for the child's illness. There are
-exhalations of a miasmatic nature from these running water arrangements.
-Otherwise, Mrs. Fairfax, I have no fault to find with the room. It is
-appointed far better than is the custom."
-
-"It is appointed far better than our own room, Miss Perfoozle," I
-declared, with assumed indignation. "Let me show you our apartment. It
-is plain, but--it does for us."
-
-I impelled her gently toward the sanctum that Birdie and Potzenheimer
-and the others had veritably occupied. It had an ingrain carpet, and a
-bed, and a wash-stand. Miss Perfoozle surveyed it critically.
-
-"Ah," she said, "you believe in keeping your own bedroom free from
-encumbrances. You are right. This is healthy. This is airy. I presume
-you realized the fact that cooks love ornaments and articles of virtue"
-(sic). "Unfortunately, they do. As they advance in education, this will
-not be the case. In the years to come, Mrs. Fairfax, a properly
-self-respecting cook will prefer a cool, unadorned sleeping apartment,
-like this, to the vulgarity and ostentation of what you now offer her.
-At present, however, my dear young people, I am bound to admit that you
-treat your cook as she expects to be treated. I am delighted. I shall
-not fail to express this sentiment to Mrs. McCaffrey when next I see
-her."
-
-Letitia's shoulders were heaving. I nudged her, and whispered, "Don't,
-for goodness' sake." Miss Perfoozle used a lorgnette as she made her
-inspection, and peered into everything.
-
-"This is the dining-room," I said, throwing open the door. "It is, as
-usual, small, but fairly large for the average apartment. There is room
-for cook, and five friends. We always dine out, you know. We dote on
-restaurants. My wife simply can't keep away from them. So we give over
-the dining-room to cook. We breakfast here, of course--just an egg, or
-so. There is electric light, which, though rather trying to the eyes, is
-convenient."
-
-"It is a shame," said Miss Perfoozle magnanimously, "to find you without
-help. Honestly, it is a shame. You are young people, as I said before,
-and I believe, in spite of Mr. Fairfax's flippancy (perhaps he _has_ had
-occasion to feel flippant) that you are inclined to do the fair thing to
-your house-mates. I know a girl who will suit you, I am perfectly sure."
-
-"Miss Montmorency?" I ventured.
-
-"No, not Sybil. Sybil demands absolute equality, and I can quite see
-that in your case, Mr. and Mrs. Fairfax, it would be impossible and
-perhaps"--indulgently--"unnecessary. But there is no reason why you
-should not be suited at once."
-
-"I ought to say," I interrupted in a downcast voice, "that there is no
-accommodation for bicycles, while as for automobiles--"
-
-"I do not countenance either," snapped Miss Perfoozle. "The former,
-which, I am thankful to say, have outlived their usefulness, were
-unfeminine. The latter, nasty, smelly things, always exploding and
-running over people, can be dispensed with. I can guarantee you a girl
-who will stay with you for a long time."
-
-"A whole month?" I queried gaspingly.
-
-Miss Perfoozle turned upon me suddenly. I had felt that she didn't quite
-appreciate me at my just worth. Something in my last gasp appealed to
-her unpleasantly.
-
-"I trust you are not jesting," she remarked in a lemon tone.
-
-"No," I said shortly, moving toward the front door, "I never jest. But
-you have come too late, Miss Perfoozle. We are breaking up housekeeping
-to-morrow and sail for Europe next day, to be gone for five years and
-three months. You might take our names for a cook in five years and
-three months from to-morrow. We shall visit London, Paris, Rome,
-Vienna, Berlin, Dresden, Jersey City, Poughkeepsie, Schenectady--"
-
-"You allowed me to waste my precious time here?" she asked in genuine,
-unadulterated anger. "You permitted me to devote an evening to the
-revelation of my plans and hopes, when you knew--you were sure--you--"
-
-"We had nothing better to do, I assure you, dear Miss Perfoozle," I said
-blithely. "You have amused us immensely. You must be going? Yet it is
-early. You _will_ go? My dear madam, of course, we may not detain you.
-Will you take our best wishes to Birdie, and the child, and--"
-
-Miss Perfoozle's face was horrid to look at. Letitia turned from her in
-dismay and whispered a husky "Don't!" in my ear. The black _glacé_ hands
-looked like claws. The representative of the Society for the
-Amelioration of the Condition of the Cooks in New York City resembled a
-Fury, baffled. We opened the door and clicked her out. For the first
-time in many days we burst into a peal of laughter. We simply shook. We
-howled. Such a good time had, a few hours ago, seemed impossible.
-
-"I believe you have a sense of humor, after all, Archie," said Letitia,
-drying the tears from her eyes and sinking into a chair.
-
-"Not yet, Letitia, not yet," I demurred, weak from mirth, "but if this
-thing keeps up I'm awfully afraid that the dreadful curse will be
-visited on us both."
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER XV
-
-
-And it came to pass, that behold! we broke bread, and ate, and for a few
-soft, silly weeks, lived, in what I might call a fool's paradise. As any
-paradise, however, is better than none at all, and too much purgatory is
-apt to lose the mulligatawniness of its flavor, this little breathing
-spell gave us a chance to recuperate, and, as the French put it, to
-recoil, in order to leap better.
-
-It was like this. A lady friend of a cousin of an aunt of our laundress,
-knew somebody that was acquainted with a person, who had heard of a
-Finnish maiden anxious for a position. It was a bit roundabout, but not
-worse than the simple recipes in Alessandro Filippini's cook-book.
-Moreover, a Finnish maiden--or any maiden--was less of a luxury and more
-of a necessity than eggs _à la reine_. We therefore negotiated, with the
-felicitous result that one bright morning Letitia received a
-notification that the anxious Olga would wait upon her. We both of us
-read up Finland in the encyclopædia, it being one of those obscure
-European countries with which we were not familiar. Letitia thought it
-belonged to Scandinavia; I mixed it up with Lapland. We were able to
-settle the point to our mutual satisfaction before Olga arrived.
-
-"I have a dreadful presentiment," observed Letitia, "that you will say
-'I see her Finnish'! If you do, I could never endure her. I warn you,
-Archie."
-
-"As though I should perpetrate such a knock-kneed pun!" I exclaimed
-indignantly. "Our experiences may have weakened me physically, but my
-intellect is still unimpaired."
-
-Olga arrived in the early morn whilst I was shaving. Letitia interviewed
-her in the drawing-room, and I fondly hoped that my services would not
-be needed. These cook-dialogues told upon my peace of mind, and I was
-beginning to yearn for a chance to give myself, heart and soul, to my
-affairs. I had finished shaving, and was admiring the velvety skin that
-I had coaxed into prominence, when Letitia came bustling in, very
-serious and important.
-
-"Before I quite settle with Olga," she said, "I should so like you just
-to take a look at her, Archie. Would you mind? At first sight I thought
-her repulsive, but after looking at her fixedly, for a long time, I
-discovered that she really had a kind face."
-
-"I'll come in"--I sighed mournfully--"and investigate. Of course, dear,
-good looks are not essential. She will not have to pose in the
-drawing-room. In fact, we really are not obliged to look at her at all.
-Personally, I think it would be soothing not to do so."
-
-However, Letitia's views were not far-fetched. The Finnish lady was
-repellent enough to gaze upon. She wore a cape and a loose, dingy
-linsey-woolsey dress, and was so squat that her head looked like a knob,
-to be taken on and off. In fact, the head seemed out of place and
-unnecessary--almost as though she had borrowed somebody else's. She sat
-by the window, with her hands folded upon her lap, and appeared to be
-"taking solid comfort," as the saying is.
-
-For one moment a strange idea--but no, I banished it immediately as
-preposterous. Irrelevant though it may seem, perhaps this is the place
-in which the reader might advantageously learn our ages. I have tried to
-conceal them, hitherto, but youth--like murder--must out. I was
-twenty-five; Letitia nineteen. These little details need not be
-mentioned again. Their somewhat brusque interpolation at this late stage
-seems necessary for a proper comprehension of what is to follow.
-
-"You don't think she is too frightful?" whispered Letitia, as my eyes
-were riveted upon the figureless figure. "Do, please, look at her face."
-
-The face was rosy and amiable. It was not necessary to look very fixedly
-at her to discover that. It was a vast improvement upon the acidulated
-countenance of the late Miss Lyberg. I wondered if the strange idea that
-I had banished so promptly could, by any chance, have occurred to
-Letitia. I made a mental vow--a resolute inward swear--not to ask her.
-
-"In this case, her face is her fortune," I said, taking Letitia aside;
-"it is--quite a face. A smile, occasionally, will help us along,
-Letitia. This girl certainly looks as though she didn't hate us, just at
-present. It will be quite a treat not to be hated. I should engage her
-if I were you, and trust to luck. It is a good sign that we are not
-instantly attracted toward her. Perhaps it is a happy augury."
-
-Olga Allallami--for such was her title--was thereupon secured. She
-seemed pleased, even grateful, which impressed me as being so drolly
-unusual, that I was almost suspicious. Cooks would make a cynic of the
-Angel Gabriel,--though I have no intention of comparing myself to that
-seraph.
-
-"These Finnish girls," explained Letitia (I had asked for no
-explanation), "are brought up out of doors. They live a very active life
-in their own country in the fields. They are lithe and agile. When they
-come here, poor things, and undertake sedentary pursuits, the change is
-bound to tell upon them. Their sinuous figures disappear; they grow
-squat and stumpy; instead of the lissome, flexible girl, they develop
-into the heavy, inactive matron. That's it, of course."
-
-Letitia appeared to be pursuing her thoughts aloud--for her own benefit,
-and perhaps for mine. It seemed to be a reasonable way of looking at
-Miss Allallami. In any case, a beautiful cook was unnecessary. Nor did
-it seem possible to find one. All the beautiful cooks were on the
-stage--in the chorus, where the remuneration was larger, if less
-certain, and the life more glittering, if less healthy. The beautiful
-cooks were all singing "tra la la" in comic opera, and were not worrying
-themselves about "refined Christian homes" in upper New York.
-
-Miss Allallami came to her kitchen with dazzling punctuality next day,
-and almost before we knew it, the riot of our life was quelled, and an
-almost ominous tranquillity settled upon us. For once, we seemed to have
-done the right thing, in the right way, at the right time. Our Olga
-proved to be most affable. She spoke English fairly well and delighted
-to understand us. Her cooking, while not precisely Lucullian, was the
-best we had known, so far. She thoroughly understood the art of boiling
-water, and upon that ground-work built up a satisfactory culinary knack.
-She was prompt and willing; she was desirous of pleasing.
-
-In a neat white apron, she looked far less objectionable. In fact,
-within a few days after her arrival, we neither of us noticed her
-physical uncomeliness. Either we grew accustomed to it, or we had
-magnified it in the first instance. Letitia, always enthusiastically
-inclined, declared that she thought Olga perfectly sweet, which seemed a
-bit exaggerated to my less exuberant moods. Yet I was bound to admit
-that she had a nice face, a comfortable way of looking at one, and a
-comforting manner. There was no suggestion of anarchy in anything that
-she did. She never went out. The height of her enjoyment appeared to be
-reached when she sat down. She loved to sit down. When her day's work
-was done, she sat and sewed, which seemed so respectable! Our other
-handmaidens--so Letitia told me--never sewed. They pinned things on. As
-long as they could get pins they paid no attention to needles.
-
-"She makes such cute, needlework-y things!" said Letitia gushingly, one
-day, "dear little dresses and caps. I fancy, Archie, that she must be
-working for a store. It really does seem, dear, as though we had a
-treasure, at last. And just to think how doubtful we were about her. You
-were right; it was a good sign that we were not instantly attracted."
-
-Miss Allallami fitted into the household scheme admirably. She was
-always ready to efface herself, and in fact seemed to prefer it.
-Gradually, Letitia and I grew quite light-hearted. We began to go about
-and see people. We called, and emerged from our husk, so to speak. Meals
-were always ready for us, and the hot dishes were not cold nor the cold
-dishes hot. System was introduced into our midst, and Olga--well, I
-would have doubled her wages gladly.
-
-Several weeks passed, and the bolt had not fallen from the blue. We went
-to Tarrytown, and visited Aunt Julia, who rejoiced with us in our find.
-The old lady was elated at our happiness, but knew that things would
-right themselves eventually. She said something about a long lane that
-had no turning. I fancied that I had heard it before. When we returned,
-Letitia plunged into the classics once again, and good old Ovid was
-trotted out, refreshed after his vacation. I set to work, and added
-chapters to my _Lives of Great Men_. At the office, I labored with
-renewed vigor, and Tamworth asserted that I must have taken a new lease
-of life. He was very complimentary, was Tamworth, and it was the
-invitation I tendered him to dine with us--which he promptly
-accepted--that ousted me from the sweet security in which I seemed to
-have been lulled.
-
-He came to dinner--and a very good dinner we had. It was neatly served
-by Olga, who, with her face all smiles, appeared almost to coax us to
-eat. I laughingly asked Tamworth if he recalled a former dinner with us,
-for at present I felt far superior to that uncanny day. Yes, he
-remembered it, and was quite amused. I noticed, that he watched Olga
-very closely--with almost embarrassing attention, but I ascribed this to
-his interest in her truly respectable dinner, a dinner, by-the-by, that
-had no premonitory menu cards. We had grown out of that sort of thing,
-and out of others. Letitia no longer appeared _décolleté_, although I
-still wore evening clothes.
-
-After dinner, when Letitia had left us to our cigars, Tamworth struck a
-match, and, pausing before he lighted his weed, looked at me with a
-puzzled manner.
-
-"I'm surprised at you, Fairfax," he said. "Of course she is a good cook.
-There is no doubt about that. But do you think it quite nice,
-or--advisable?"
-
-"What--what do you mean?"
-
-"Well," he said nervously, "it seems a pity that the woman shouldn't
-stay at home with her husband, or--if she is a widow, with her people."
-
-"My dear Tamworth," I remarked laughing, "you are a humorist. Why, she
-has never even told us that she is married. I'm quite sure she isn't."
-
-"Oh, I hope she is," he cried, "I hope for Mrs. Fairfax's sake that she
-is. Say, old man, you certainly don't want this sort of thing. I am sure
-it is very charitable of you--and all that. It is very sweet and womanly
-of Mrs. Fairfax. But the other people in the house must talk."
-
-At first I thought the man had gone stark, staring mad. He had taken
-very little wine at dinner, so it couldn't possibly be that. I looked at
-him in amazement.
-
-"You don't mean to tell me," he went on, "that you're blind?"
-
-Then he said some things, in a low tone, that I--I really can't write.
-They were horrible. They sent the blood rushing to my face. They
-impelled me back to the day we engaged Olga, when a strange idea had
-occurred to me, that I had banished instantly. So thoroughly had I
-banished it, that it had never occurred again, and came to me now as a
-sheer and odious novelty. Tamworth could have no object in making these
-suggestions to me. He was undoubtedly in earnest. Yet it seemed so
-ridiculous and so lacking in--er--etiquette. Olga was such a pleasant,
-good-natured person. Still, I was bound to admit that even pleasant,
-good-natured persons--
-
-I rose, and began to walk up and down, mentally cursing my guest. In
-return for bread, he had made me uncomfortable. It was quite a ticklish
-position in which I found myself. The question must be discussed with
-Letitia, and--Quixotic, or some other "otic," though it may sound--the
-notion of such a discussion was most distasteful to me. Aunt Julia would
-have called me an idiot; perhaps I _was_ an idiot; still, because a
-pretty girl happens to be a man's wife, it does seem distressing that he
-should moot topics with her, that, if she were somebody else's wife,
-would remain unmooted.
-
-Tamworth said no more on the subject; he evidently considered that he
-had done his duty, and had no further mission to fulfil. When we joined
-Letitia in the drawing-room, Tamworth and my wife monopolized the
-conversation. I could not take part in it; I felt too oppressed by the
-sudden apparition of the serpent that had appeared in our Eden. Letitia
-tried to include me in the small-talk, but she did not succeed. I sat,
-plunged in thought, dreading to think of Tamworth's departure, when I
-felt that I should be forced to disconcert Letitia. And she had been so
-happy for a few weeks, poor girl! Possibly, Tamworth was what they call
-an "alarmist." I could guarantee him no more dinners in my house.
-
-At last he went, and we were alone. I made up my mind, while he was
-putting on his bonnet and shawl outside, that I would defer my
-discussion with Letitia until the morning. It would come better at the
-boiled-egg moment, when we were quite calm and dispassionate. Moreover,
-I could brood over it all night, and wisdom might come to me in that
-way.
-
-"How quiet you were, Archie," said Letitia, "and what a time you and Mr.
-Tamworth were over your cigars! What _were_ you talking about?"
-
-I made a bold stroke. "Tamworth," I replied in solemn, funereal tones,
-"was talking about Olga."
-
-"The dinner certainly was excellent," said Letitia proudly, "and I'm
-glad we invited him. So he talked about Olga? I noticed, Archie, that he
-was staring at her, in really a rude way, while we were dining. I
-couldn't help thinking that perhaps Mr. Tamworth is a--flirt!"
-
-What a tonic a laugh is! Letitia's little suggestion appealed to me as
-so inordinately funny--despite my absence of a sense of humor--that I
-fell back in my chair, convulsed. I laughed until the tears rolled down
-my cheeks. I had not made so merry since the visit of Miss Priscilla
-Perfoozle. I couldn't help picturing Tamworth's face, on learning that
-my wife had suggested the idea of his flirting with the winsome Miss
-Allallami. It did me good. I felt better immediately. The sinister
-aspect of things seemed less alarming.
-
-"I don't see the joke," said Letitia. "If you are amused because you
-look upon Olga as too plain to be flirted with--well, all I can say is
-that every eye formeth its own beauty. Mr. Tamworth is seemingly very
-sedate, but still waters run deep. Really, Archie,"--as I continued to
-shake,--"I think you are very rude. Nothing annoys me more than to be
-laughed at."
-
-The psychological moment had apparently arrived. There was no need to
-wait for the breakfast hour. After having laughed myself strong, I felt
-primed for the unpleasant task. Poor little ingenuous Letitia! I dubbed
-myself a mean, sneaking sort of a Satan!
-
-"Letitia," I began, "I have something to say to you."
-
-This sounded suspiciously like Mr. William Collier, at Weber and
-Fields', and I realized it as soon as I had spoken. It was a bad
-beginning. Letitia anticipated a jest, for she followed up my remark
-with "Don't tell me that you are--going--away--from--here?"
-
-"My dear," I said lugubriously, "Arthur Tamworth says that Olga must be
-married."
-
-Letitia looked surprised and a bit scornful. "And yet they say that
-women are gossips, and that men are superior!" she observed
-sententiously. "If that isn't a confession of utter weakness! Two men,
-after dinner, with cigars and _liqueurs_, can find nothing better to
-talk about than the love affairs of the cook! It is my turn to laugh
-now. Excuse me."
-
-I gladly allowed her to laugh, as I thought it would do her good. It had
-been so beneficial to me that I should have felt selfish if I had
-checked her mirth. However, Letitia was not as convulsively entertained
-as I had been.
-
-"Now, dear," I said, when she had finished, "I want you to listen to me.
-I--I--really do hate to tell you. I--I--can scarcely bring myself to it.
-But--but--Tamworth insists--"
-
-I withdrew to the back of her chair, where I could not see her face. In
-low tones, I imparted the gist of Arthur Tamworth's suspicions. It was
-most distressing; it was painful.
-
-"The wretch!" cried Letitia, springing to her feet. "To think that we
-have harbored such a man in our house! Really, Archie, your friends are
-beneath contempt. Although I am your wife, I don't feel myself called
-upon to associate with such creatures. How dare you tell me the subject
-of your indelicate smoking-room orgies? I have always heard that men
-were disgraceful after dinner. Aunt Julia told me so. She said that
-coffee after dinner was a signal for all respectable women to withdraw.
-I did not believe her. Now I do. And to think that my own
-husband--you--Archie!"
-
-Letitia turned upon me with cheeks aflame. Her indignation was cyclonic.
-Suddenly, as she gazed upon my helplessness--for she was a girl of
-moods--her fury seemed to disperse itself. Gradually a reflective look
-appeared in her eyes. She grew singularly calm. Presently, as I said
-nothing, she simply stood still, and looked at me, musingly.
-
-"You can easily ask her," I said weakly and huskily, "if--if--she is
-married."
-
-"Ask her?" cried Letitia, aghast. "Not for the world would I do so. How
-terribly angry with myself I should feel, if she were married, and how
-horribly angry with her if she were not! Don't you see that it is
-impossible? It is too awful to contemplate. Perhaps--perhaps--_you_
-wouldn't mind asking her."
-
-"Letitia!" I exclaimed, shocked.
-
-"Oh," Letitia gurgled, in tears. "It is quite too wicked to think about!
-Why--why--did we have that horrid man up to dinner? Poor Olga! She is a
-good, kind woman. Yesterday, when I had a splitting headache, she bathed
-my forehead with _eau de cologne_. Aunt Julia herself couldn't have been
-kinder. I can't believe--"
-
-"But, my girl," I said sympathetically, "if she has a husband, she has
-surely committed no crime. What Tamworth suggests is--er--pardonable,
-under those circumstances. We merely want to know. Don't you see--"
-
-"Oh, I see," she cried pettishly, "of course I see. Seeing does not help
-me at all. You want me to catechize the woman because you are afraid to
-do so. Men are such cowards. Perhaps she will sue me for libel, if I ask
-her such questions. I shouldn't complain. I deserve to be sued for
-libel. I feel like suing myself. And--and--you are quite safe, because
-you can always say that it isn't the thing for you to interfere in such
-matters."
-
-"We really ought to have guessed--"
-
-"_You_ really ought to have guessed," she declared unreasonably. "You
-are six years older than I am. You are a man of the world.
-Anyway"--triumphantly--"it may not be true. And if I ever find that it
-isn't, I'll go right down to Mr. Tamworth and tell him what I think of
-him, in his own office, before all his clerks and typewriters--and
-yours. He must be a horrible ninny. Really, I wouldn't dare to have such
-a man around if--if--"
-
-There was nothing more to be said. Letitia was in a mood that made
-argument uncomfortable, and the topic was not refreshing. I felt
-relieved that we had threshed the matter out, but a trifle uneasy as to
-future developments. These weeks had been very pleasant--the only
-unperturbed period we had spent in our home. Could it be that our brief
-happiness was for ever over?
-
-At breakfast, next morning, serenity reasserted itself. We were almost
-inclined to dismiss all thoughts of the previous evening's discomfiture.
-It all seemed so groundless. We ate our boiled eggs quite placidly. Miss
-Allallami brought in the coffee and smiled reassuringly at us. Letitia
-blushed guiltily as she saw her, and I felt quite unworthy and ashamed.
-
-"I do like her face so much," said Letitia quietly, as I looked over the
-papers. "I don't know when I have liked it so well. Not for the world
-would I vex her. I am trying, Archie, to put myself in her place."
-
-"My dear!"
-
-"I feel like a sister toward her," continued Letitia. "I have rarely
-been so attached to anybody. I'll tell you what we'll do, Archie--if you
-agree to it. You know that Aunt Julia has invited us to stay with her
-over Sunday at Tarrytown. We'll just let things go on as they are for
-the present. And on Thursday, when we go to Tarrytown, I'll submit the
-case to Aunt Julia. If she thinks I ought to speak to Olga--I agree to
-do so. Whatever she advises shall be done. That is fair, isn't it? Tell
-me, dear, that you are satisfied."
-
-I was satisfied--eminently so. Postponing evils is always a gratifying
-occupation, and the few remaining days of pleasant domesticity that this
-arrangement left us seemed delightful. We would eat, drink and be merry,
-while we could. We would avoid the dreadful subject until Thursday.
-
-The fool's paradise bewitched us as surely as before. Tamworth faded
-into the distance and the old order reëstablished itself. We enjoyed
-ourselves in our happy little home. When Thursday came, Letitia took
-quite an affectionate farewell of Miss Allallami, and off we went to
-Tarrytown. Had I not reminded Letitia of her agreement, I veritably
-believe that she would have forgotten it. It seemed a pity to reopen the
-wound, but I felt that it was cruel to be kind.
-
-Aunt Julia was very much perturbed, and I am bound to say, most
-disagreeable. She was indignant at Letitia's qualms, and she told me
-that I was not only weak but unmanly. She insinuated that we were both
-candidates for the nursery and unfitted to cope with the problems of
-married life. She seemed to have no doubts as to the truth of Tamworth's
-abominable innuendo, and, to cap it all, she opined that it was a good
-thing we had at least one friend who seemed to be sensible and
-dignified. Letitia was almost in tears. I felt that I positively hated
-Aunt Julia.
-
-There is no use prolonging the story. The bolt from the blue fell. The
-blue had seemed so emphatically blue, and the bolt had been so
-invisible! It made matters worse.
-
-"I shall have to speak to Olga," said poor Letitia, in the train on the
-way home; "I see that there is no other course to pursue. It seems ten
-thousand pities to nip the poor girl's affection for us. I dare say she
-is at the window, awaiting our arrival. And I must greet her with an
-odious catechism."
-
-There was nobody at the window, however. The blinds in the drawing-room
-were down, and the aspect of the house was _morne_--which is the best
-adjective, though French, that I can think of. We rang the bell, and,
-after a pause, the door was opened, and we went up stairs. At the door
-of our apartment, instead of Miss Allallami, we encountered a strange
-woman in a white apron. For a moment we stood, direly perplexed.
-
-"Mr. and Mrs. Fairfax?" asked the strange woman, with a pleasant smile.
-
-It was extraordinary. To be asked at one's own door if one were oneself!
-
-We entered without replying. Letitia kept well in the background. I
-imagined that we should find our apartment looted. Perhaps the strange
-woman was--looting!
-
-The drawing-room was untouched. Everything was in its proper place, not
-an ornament missing; not a gewgaw disturbed. The woman was still
-smiling.
-
-"I congratulate you, Mr. and Mrs. Fairfax," she said with a Finnish
-intonation. "You will be glad, I know. It occurred yesterday, and it was
-too late to telegraph. Olga--"
-
-"What about Olga?" cried Letitia.
-
-"Go on," I commanded imperiously.
-
-The strange woman simpered, and looked down. "Olga," she murmured, "Olga
-has twins--two of the sweetest little babies, a boy and a girl. One she
-is going to call Archie, and the other Letitia. Oh, she is as well as
-can be expected. She--"
-
-I looked round quickly, the extent of the calamity breaking in on my
-dense brain. I turned to Letitia. She had fainted--on the tiger-head.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER XVI
-
-
-I should like to drop this episode, without further comment, where I
-left it at the close of the last chapter. Personally, I hate dotting i's
-and crossing t's. An interrogation mark always seems to me most
-satisfactory--as delightful as the after-theater supper for which
-somebody else pays. Still, I realize that I am in the minority; that the
-majority cries for the comfortable adjustment of odds and ends, without
-any strain upon the imagination.
-
-I must therefore, put the finishing touches to the "incident" of Olga
-Allallami.
-
-The odd thing about Letitia's behavior was that her affection for Miss
-Allallami evaporated so quickly that it made me wonder if my wife could
-possibly be fickle. It was, however, the twins that settled Letitia. I
-feel convinced that had cook been guilty of one mere child, Letitia's
-sweet womanly nature would have remained sympathetic. The dual blow
-infuriated her. She thought twins vulgar and most unrefined, and could
-not bear to discuss them. Perhaps it was just as well. Had Letitia
-continued to "feel as a sister" toward our recalcitrant cook, things
-would have been very disagreeable, and the indications were that Olga,
-with one child, would have been allowed full scope.
-
-As it was, we simply abandoned our apartment. We inflicted ourselves
-upon the long-suffering Aunt Julia, in Tarrytown, and left cook and her
-brace of children in our home until such time as they could leave it. We
-learned that Miss Allallami's husband--for she was, indeed, a wife--had
-been employed in the Brooklyn Navy Yard, and had returned to Finland to
-make a home for his little Olga. She, anxious to earn a few
-pennies--honest or otherwise--had remained behind, until she felt
-competent to join him.
-
-"It's a mercy she's married," I said as I heard this, but Letitia's
-joyous assent was lacking.
-
-"Oh, I don't know," she remarked immorally; "it wouldn't really matter.
-If she had been respectable enough to have had one little son, or one
-little daughter, I should have asked no questions."
-
-Miss Allallami's kindly and amiable nature had helped her cause. There
-had been method in her affability. She had "used" us, so to speak, and
-Letitia felt quite embittered about it. She declared that she was losing
-all faith in human nature. It would henceforth be impossible for her to
-attach herself to anybody. It was enough to sour a seraph, she said.
-She had given real affection to Miss Allallami, and her reward had
-been--screaming twins. It was maddening. So irate was Letitia, that I
-nearly pleaded poor Olga's cause.
-
-"The poor woman herself did not anticipate twins," I said weakly.
-
-"Nonsense!" declared Letitia scornfully, "I'm convinced that she _knew_.
-These Finnish women are so crafty. No, don't argue with me about it,
-Archie. I'm quite ashamed of the episode. It makes me feel degraded, and
-I shall never like our apartment again--never. And yet I was so certain
-of Olga's loyalty!"
-
-"You--you can't say, dear, that she isn't loyal. She is merely--"
-
-"That is enough, Archie," said Letitia, doing like the heroines in the
-novels, and "drawing herself up to her full height." "That is quite
-enough. You are singularly lacking in fine sentiment. I dare say that
-you and your charming Mr. Tamworth--never let me meet him again--will
-have a high old time chuckling over my misfortune. Yes, I call it _my_
-misfortune! Let us for ever drop the abominable subject."
-
-And we did. Of course, it had to be threshed out before final
-abandonment, with Aunt Julia, in whose house we stayed until cook's
-departure. Mrs. Dinsmore, I grieve to say, was not sympathetic. Some
-people seem to find tragedy amusing, and Aunt Julia was one of them. She
-said that she should never be able to take us seriously, and asked us to
-excuse her mirth, _after_ she had indulged in it. As we were literally
-sponging upon her, we were obliged to be indulgent. It was not a
-pleasant time that we spent in Tarrytown. Aunt Julia offered to return
-to New York and help Letitia in her housekeeping, until such time as we
-were "suited"--an offer that Letitia courteously but spiritedly refused.
-
-We found that Miss Allallami's gratitude had taken the form of a
-photograph of the twins, neatly framed, and hung in the drawing-room. It
-was a little delicate attention that we failed to appreciate. Letitia
-tore down the picture and threw it from the window. It was the last
-allusion to Olga. We seldom mentioned her case again. We were at home
-once more, as unsettled as though we were just beginning our domestic
-struggles, and we were determined to face the situation boldly.
-
-"I've been thinking, dear," I said one evening, as we sat dining in the
-least objectionable restaurant that I could find, "that perhaps if we
-offered fabulous wages, we could secure a fine cook. Suppose we try it.
-You know, Letitia, I always put a little money aside for a rainy day,
-and it seems to me that if I refrain from saving and invest it all in
-cook, we should be more comfortable. It can never rain worse than it is
-now doing."
-
-Letitia looked radiant. I felt I had made a hit. "You are really a
-sensible man, after all, Archie," she declared (I could have dispensed
-with the "after all"). "If you don't mind paying the same wages to cook
-that she would get with Fifth Avenue millionaires, naturally we can not
-fail. Moreover, she will have an easier time with us than with them, as
-we don't give dinner parties or sit down thirty or forty to a meal. It's
-really a lovely idea. And--and--don't you think, dear, that saving is
-awfully provincial and petty, and--and--Brooklyn?"
-
-I hadn't looked upon it in that light. Tamworth had advised me to put
-something aside, as he said that married men were bound to provide for
-emergencies. I had done this systematically. In the meantime, we were
-literally "pigging" it. Surely this was the rainy day.
-
-"Why should a young, brainy man like you," continued Letitia, beaming
-fondly upon me, "worry himself about what _might_ happen in the distant
-future? It seems so--so--little, doesn't it, dear? It is so like the
-little Brooklyn clerks whom you see trundling baby-carriages and rushing
-away to savings banks with a five-dollar bill. It is really unworthy of
-the author of _Lives of Great Men_. The thrifty always seem to me so
-namby-pamby."
-
-"You are overthrowing the doctrines of domestic economy, Letitia," I
-said with a smile.
-
-"Well, let's do it, Archie. If we can be comfortable, we might as well
-overthrow things. Oh, I suppose thrift is all right. 'A penny
-saved'--and all that sort of thing! Let's have a culinary student in the
-kitchen, and pay her a handsome salary. We shall be happy, and when we
-are happy, we prosper. That is surely so. We send forth radiant
-thoughts, and they all work for us. I believe in that. Oh, won't it be
-fun, Archie?"
-
-There seemed to be logic in this idea. What's the use of saving and
-being uncomfortable to-day, when we may die to-morrow? We might better
-invest our money in the certainty of a blissful present, than hoard it
-in the uncertainty of the future. So we carefully knocked down the
-elaborate maxims of the "institutions for savings," and felt relieved.
-
-"It is absurd," said Letitia, as she dipped the tips of her fingers into
-a rosy finger-bowl, "all this business of economy. Suppose you _were_
-incapacitated, Archie, do you imagine that I am quite helpless? I could
-teach Latin, and there must be hundreds of girls just crazy to read
-Ovid in the original. Or, I could learn typewriting, or bookkeeping, or
-other ugly but profitable accomplishments. We should never starve. I
-could even go on the stage, if _everything_ else failed."
-
-"Only if everything else failed, my dear," I suggested.
-
-"Oh, of course; as the very last thing. So many girls do it. If they are
-too silly to teach, or too unsympathetic to get married, or too lazy to
-learn anything, they go on the stage, and get lovely salaries. I
-shouldn't select the life of an actress, but if--"
-
-"We won't discuss such possibilities," I said firmly. "It is unnecessary
-to do so. My _Lives of Great Men_ is nearly finished. It is the sort of
-book that every home will be obliged to store. There are seventy million
-people in the United States. Let us put down seven million homes, at a
-low estimate, and there you are with seven million books yielding us a
-royalty--not including the sales in Europe, Asia, Africa, and Australia.
-The prospect is really alluring."
-
-"So it is, Archie," she assented jubilantly, "and here we are,
-discussing saving, like Sarah Jane and her young man. It is very narrow
-of us. I forgot your book. And yet literature is most profitable, and
-such a necessity! The other day, down-town, I saw the complete works of
-Shakespeare--plays and poems--bound in leather for fifty cents."
-
-"My book will cost five dollars," I said rather hesitantly.
-
-"Well, dear, it's so much _newer_ than Shakespeare," she asserted
-triumphantly. "I don't suppose that it will last quite as long--I could
-not say that, Archie--but while it is selling, it may as well sell for
-five dollars. Nobody ever thinks of competing with Shakespeare. I'm very
-proud of your _Lives of Great Men_ though you have never read any of it
-to me."
-
-"Perhaps that's why," I suggested, temporarily moody, as most genius is
-said to be.
-
-"You're a silly boy, and I'm not going to flatter you by telling you how
-much more interested I am in Archibald Fairfax than in William
-Shakespeare. You shall read me your _Lives of Great Men_ as soon as we
-have our cook. In the meantime, I'm so glad you have decided not to
-save. Let us eat, drink, and be merry, for to-morrow we die. It is hard
-to do those three things, at a seventy-five-cent _table-d'hôte_."
-
-"And the 'to-morrow we die' doesn't seem so hard?"
-
-"No, it doesn't, really, Archie. The way we are living now is enough to
-drive anybody to pessimism. It is unnatural; it is wrong; we will spend
-our money, and be happy."
-
-There is one certain thing about New York. You can get anything you want
-in that "tuberosity of civilized life" if you have the wherewithal, or,
-in other words, "the price." It is what Europeans call the middle
-classes that suffer the most in the American metropolis, whereas in
-other capitals, it is they that are the happiest. The extremely indigent
-and the inflatedly wealthy never complain of New York City. It is the
-neither-rich-nor-poor who find life difficult and are unable to gratify
-the innate need for refinement and comfort; who discover that graceful
-life is a knotty problem, and that the art of "keeping up appearances"
-with moderate means is well-nigh impossible. New York is the Mecca of
-the rich and the poor; it is the Hades of the unhappy medium. Those who
-are just "comfortable" in London, are "just uncomfortable" in New York.
-
-So we set about the discovery of an expensive cook. We pored over the
-advertisements in the daily papers, in a determined hunt for something
-eminently first-class. Letitia rather fancied an "Alsatian chef" who had
-been with the "finest families in Europe and America," and modestly
-asked one hundred dollars per month, but I felt suspicious.
-
-"You remember, dear," I said warningly, "that Mrs. Potzenheimer came or
-did not come from the Vanderbilts. At any rate, she said she did. You
-probably recall the fact that the Duchess of Marlborough fancied her
-cooking."
-
-"Let bygones be bygones," remarked Letitia solemnly. "Archie, don't be
-mean."
-
-The "Alsatian chef," according to his plaintive call in the newspaper,
-announced that he was "first-class in every respect," but I couldn't
-bear the idea of a man hanging around all day in our cramped and modern
-apartment. It would probably be most embarrassing.
-
-"You know, dear," I said, "you were very fond of asking the others to do
-odd jobs, and you couldn't possibly request an Alsatian chef to wash out
-a few handkerchiefs."
-
-"I hope I understand the etiquette of the arrangement as well as you
-do," she retorted, quite vexed. "I am perfectly well aware that a chef
-wouldn't do anything of the sort. I believe, Archie Fairfax, that I am
-quite able to cope with these matters."
-
-We learned, after incessant study of the advertising columns, that the
-expensive cooks emphasized "desserts, soups, jellies" in their list of
-attractions, and that the others never mentioned them. Jellies seemed to
-be the great distinguishing mark--the boundary line, as it
-were--between the expensive and the non-expensive. This was invariable.
-No sooner did a cook say "jelly" than she demanded treble wages. It
-seemed as though, to be luxurious, one must dote on jelly.
-
-"And yet," said Letitia ruefully, "I really don't care very much about
-it. I'd much sooner engage a woman who understood eggs _à la reine_.
-Jelly seems to me so insipid. I don't suppose that we should want it
-once in a blue moon. All these women harp so on jellies, don't they,
-Archie? There must be some reason for it. I was never brought up to
-consider jellies as a great accomplishment."
-
-"I suppose they really mean 'jellies' to cover all sorts of sweets," I
-suggested. "You see, dear, pie sounds rather vulgar. In this city,
-nobody thinks anything of pie. Undoubtedly, however, the woman who
-announces her accomplishment in jellies intends to imply pastries of all
-kinds."
-
-"It may be so, of course. But as we are not quite sure, that question
-must be asked. It would be dreadful if we engaged a cook, at prohibitive
-wages, and then found that we had to live on nasty, wobbly jelly.
-Besides, it sounds so invalid-y to me. I'm so accustomed to taking jelly
-to anybody who has a cold, or who happens to be out of sorts, that I
-really dislike it. Why, only yesterday, Archie, I sent some jelly to
-Mrs. Archer, who has a stiff neck."
-
-"Here's one," I said, bringing my index finger to a sudden standstill in
-its chute down the advertising columns; "'elegant pastries; table
-decorations a specialty; French dishes, jellies.' You see, she ends at
-jellies, but does not begin with them. She has been 'with the finest
-families in the Faubourg St. Germain, Paris.' She is 'reliable'--and
-odiously expensive."
-
-"That doesn't matter, we have decided," chirped Letitia. "We may as well
-be hung for a sheep as a lamb. I rather fancy that advertisement, dear.
-Let me see: 'Address, Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle."
-
-"We could call her Cynthie," I ventured in a light mood.
-
-"Please don't jest. We can be frivolous, later on--when we are not
-hungry. The advertisement reads very well, and in a case like this, even
-if she can't do all that she announces, it won't matter at all. For
-instance, we may find that 'table decorations a specialty' is just a
-pure ghost story. I shouldn't care a bit; should you? As long as the
-table is neatly set, with a pretty plant, a table-center, and delicately
-folded serviettes, the other decorations wouldn't matter in the least."
-
-"There you are right, Letitia," I assented. "I don't suppose that she
-would place a bottle of Worcestershire sauce in the middle of the table
-as a decoration, like--"
-
-"You are always dragging up those detestable women whom we are trying to
-forget," asserted Letitia petulantly. "Do, for goodness' sake, forget
-the past. We are going to place things on a different footing. We are
-going to engage the best and be satisfied with the merely--better. I
-think I shall go and see Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle. The 'elegant
-pastries' capture me. I'm so sick of bread pudding and baked apples. Her
-name, too, is reassuring. Of course, you know--or should know--that a
-French cook is the most economical person on earth. It is a science with
-her. What other people throw away, she makes into _ragoût_, or
-_croquettes_, or _blanquette_, and other delightful things all ending in
-'ette'."
-
-"I believe they call it hash, here," I interrupted.
-
-"What they call hash here," said Letitia spitefully, "is just a horrid
-resurrection, not fit for plow-boys. The French housewife cooks very
-differently. Why, even the _pot au feu_ is delicious, and what could be
-cheaper? She serves an exquisite soup, and she offers the meat with
-which it was made in an appetizing way. We shall certainly save money
-in one direction, Archie, even if we spend it in another."
-
-"You seem thoroughly to understand the art of cooking, Letitia," I said
-admiringly. "I wonder that you never went in for it."
-
-"I understand it theoretically," she said sedately. "It is, of course, a
-science, and if I had to begin life again, I would go to Paris and
-study. Girls go there to cultivate the voice; I'd go to cultivate the
-stomach. But it is too late now. I admire the French knack and system.
-They produce masterpieces of gastronomic skill at a moderate cost. Here
-they throw away the delicate parts of meat and fish because they don't
-know what to do with them; there, they use them artistically and
-economically."
-
-"If you really think that Madame de Lyrolle can do all this--"
-
-"I'm sure she can, Archie. I feel it intuitively. Of course, she asks a
-fearful remuneration, but as long as she thinks she can get it, you
-can't blame her for asking. At home, she might probably be an ordinary
-cook, getting nothing a month, with privileges; here, she would probably
-be a wonder, and is entitled to high wages. Please--please let us have
-her, Archie."
-
-"And the Alsatian chef?"
-
-"You provoking boy! You know he didn't appeal to you and that you
-brought me round to your way of thinking"--oh, Letitia!--"and I gave in,
-as I always give in, because you are such a hopelessly spoiled person.
-You know you thought the Alsatian chef wouldn't wash my handkerchiefs.
-Well, though I shall never ask her to do so, I'm sure that Madame
-Hyacinthe de Lyrolle would gladly help me. Anyway, I want her. May
-I--may I--go and see about it?"
-
-Letitia spoke wheedlingly, with the old charm that I had never been able
-to resist. It was as potent as ever.
-
-"One thing, Letitia," I said, "what _could_ we call the woman? It would
-be so embarrassing to address her as Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle.
-Imagine calling out, 'Please come here, Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle, I
-want to speak to you.' You must arrange to address her as Mary, or--or
-Sarah."
-
-"Don't be silly, Archie. You are straining at trifles. We can call her
-Madame. It sounds French-y, and impressive. That is the least of our
-difficulties, and not worth considering. To-morrow morning, I shall go
-and interview her, and--you noble boy--I know that you will never regret
-the expense. You like to see me happy, don't you?"
-
-"Oh, Letitia, have I ever--"
-
-"Of course. I know you do. I've never doubted it for one moment, even
-with our darkest cook. And I _am_ happy at the mere idea of Madame
-Hyacinthe de Lyrolle. Say you consent; say it as though you meant it;
-say 'Letitia, please, like a dear, go and engage Madame Hyacinthe de
-Lyrolle, for I want her!' Say that, please."
-
-I said it. There was even a tinge of emphatic yearning in my voice. The
-outsider, could he have heard me, might have believed that life, without
-Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle, would be a blank. Strangest thing of all--I
-quite believed that I wanted her. Letitia's influence was hypnotic.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER XVIII
-
-
-There were evidently difficulties in the way of the immediate annexation
-of Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle. When I reached home next evening I found
-Letitia in cookless solitude, a dinnerless dining-room, and the
-indications of another restaurant repast. My wife looked somewhat
-excited, as though she had much to tell me, and I felt that, perchance,
-the course of French cook did not run smooth. I had arrived at the stage
-when nothing connected with the domestic life could surprise me; I was
-persistently prepared for the worst, and quite disposed to regard the
-best as a luxury. Possibly in time I should even grow philosophic--not
-that I owned the temperament of the confirmed philosopher.
-
-When we were seated at table, in our selected restaurant, and I had
-chosen the lesser of two evils--or of two soups--Letitia's pent-up
-excitement burst forth, and--well, conversation did not flag.
-
-"It is going to be so very much more expensive than I thought, Archie,"
-she said. "I called upon Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle to-day, and found
-her exceedingly distinguished--I might almost say haughty. She spoke
-English as well as I do, and I could scarcely realize that she was
-French. Her aptitude for languages, she told me, was quite remarkable.
-Everything seemed satisfactory, until--until she asked about--about the
-butler. Had we a reliable butler? She considered a docile, reliable
-butler almost indispensable. I know I turned scarlet, for I felt quite
-humiliated as I had to inform her that we didn't keep a butler."
-
-The soup had made its appearance, but Letitia was too engrossed to touch
-it. I was not.
-
-"She smiled rather provokingly," continued Letitia, "but told me not to
-be discouraged. She has a nephew, a respectable young man, born here,
-whom she has been coaching in the duties of a butler. She suggested that
-he would be of great value and comfort to us, as, being her relative,
-she could work with him in perfect harmony."
-
-"But you know, my girl," I interrupted rather testily, "that we couldn't
-put up a butler. There isn't space in this apartment, unless--unless he
-roomed with his aunt."
-
-"I warn you, Archie, that if you begin to be funny--"
-
-"I can't think of any other way in which we could accommodate a butler.
-A nice Japanese screen in his aunt's room--"
-
-Letitia was a lovely subject to tease. She took everything to heart so
-promptly! It seems an undignified confession to make, but my little wife
-never amused me more than when she was in rebellion at what she called
-my levity. After all, a man must have a little fun in the dreary
-drabness of his cookless home.
-
-I continued heartlessly: "If you don't like that idea, I have another.
-Rather than deprive Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle of the services of her
-dear nephew, we could arrange things this way: you could room with
-Madame and I with the butler. You must admit, dear, that there would be
-no glaring impropriety in that."
-
-This time Letitia smiled and was saved. She made strenuous efforts to
-remain vexed, as I could see, but in spite of herself she was moved to a
-suspicion of mirth, and it did her good.
-
-"Don't be a silly boy," she said, "and reserve your ingenuity. We need
-it in serious and not frivolous matters. I told Madame de Lyrolle that
-we occupied an apartment, which was not particularly spacious, and that
-much as we should like to employ her nephew, we could not possibly see
-our way to do so. She was disappointed. She then asked me about first
-maids, and second maids, and--and oh, Archie, I felt disgraced. I made
-up my mind to abandon Madame de Lyrolle."
-
-Letitia paused, and remembered her soup. She toyed with it nonchalantly.
-
-"She spoke quite kindly," resumed Letitia. "Of course, she said, we must
-understand that she never left her kitchen. As for doing anything else
-but cooking and decorating the table in case of dinner parties--that
-would be impossible. She insisted that she was an artist; that she had
-real temperament; that she was occasionally inspired, and then again
-depressed."
-
-"That means a depressed dinner from time to time," I muttered gloomily.
-
-"No," said Letitia firmly, "not if surrounding conditions are
-auspicious. I quite understood her sentiments, Archie. They were not at
-all unreasonable. The artistic temperament does not lurk merely with
-third-rate actors or fourth-rate novelists. A French cook may assuredly
-possess it. She told me that in moments of mental exaltation she has
-given to the world dishes of wonderful import. For instance, on one
-occasion when her mood was dreamy and mystic, she made a _salmi_ of
-black game that the editor of the Paris _Figaro_ said was worthy of
-being dramatized. Oh, she talked a good deal, and in a high-falutin'
-strain, and I liked her, but--"
-
-"Did you engage her?"
-
-"I am coming to that question. Finally, she told me that as we hadn't a
-maid, and as she positively refused to appear in the dining-room
-herself, she could merely suggest that if I engaged her, I also engage a
-bright young girl, now living with her, a niece--"
-
-"She seems to have quite a family!"
-
-"I saw the girl, who was named Leonie. She was as pretty as a picture.
-One could imagine her as the French maid in comedy--one of those dainty
-little things that wear fluffy white aprons, and occasionally do a
-dance. You know, Archie. The girl seemed quite willing to join her aunt,
-but she asked a large salary--more than we paid any of our cooks. So,
-you see, I didn't like to engage Madame de Lyrolle without first
-consulting you. It will be much more expensive than we thought. In
-addition to Madame's exorbitant salary, there will be Leonie,
-and--and--do you think we could afford it?"
-
-It is horrid for a young husband to admit to a young wife that there is
-anything in the world he can't afford. At least I felt that way. Letitia
-waited almost piteously for my reply, and I detested the idea of doing
-the poor. She looked unusually pretty, with her flushed face and her
-red, emotional lips. Moreover, the dinner was hateful, the cooking
-immoral, and the surroundings impossible. I was tempted, and--I fell.
-
-"We might try it, Letitia," I said. "You know my book is nearly
-finished, and in a home that _is_ a home, I fancy I can do so much
-more."
-
-"Oh, thank you, Archie, thank you. You are a good, brave, noble boy. I
-am convinced that you won't regret it, and we shall be so cozy and
-happy. I think you are right. We might as well enjoy life while we are
-young. I dare say that when we are old we shan't mind bread pudding, and
-baked apples, and mutton stew, and--and--hash."
-
-"I shall always loathe hash," I asserted vehemently.
-
-Our dinner ended delightfully. We could not eat the food, but the meal
-was intellectual rather than material. We chatted affably, and no
-outsider could possibly have imagined that we were married. Our manner
-was that of the newly engaged.
-
-"Of course, Madame de Lyrolle is Americanized," said Letitia. "I could
-see that. In Paris, cooks, chambermaids and nurses receive just about
-half the wages they get here. Servants in France are quite oppressed.
-They don't know the meaning of a 'Sunday out.' They are dependent upon
-the caprices of Monsieur and Madame. And I dare say you know, Archie,
-that even in the most luxurious French households the most rigid
-economies are practised. Somewhere I read that the refuse that leaves a
-French kitchen would starve a small family of rats; which is perhaps the
-reason why there are so few rats in Paris."
-
-"It seems almost a pity that she _is_ Americanized, don't you think,
-dear?"
-
-"Oh, she could never _quite_ lose her French training, Archie. Perhaps
-she is Americanized only in the matters of salary and privileges."
-
-"At any rate," I said, "she won't bathe in the kitchen--or anywhere
-else. French people rarely do."
-
-"They have been brought up to dislike water," remarked Letitia
-reflectively. "In Paris, even little children are taught that it is
-impure and are coaxed to drink claret. Probably by dint of harping on
-the impurity of water, they come to the conclusion that it is rather
-silly to wash in it. Don't you think so, Archie? It seems to be a trait
-of the national character. Yet they are a cleanly race. They don't
-advertise their ablutions as we do. In England and America we talk so
-much about cold tubs, and the latest improvements in bathroom
-apparatus! It is quite indelicate when you come to think of it."
-
-So Letitia went down next morning to secure the Gallic prize with its
-Gallic appendage. Madame de Lyrolle had laughed at the idea of
-references. She had lived with a Wall Street broker, she told Letitia,
-with an air of such importance that it was clear she regarded him in
-about the same class as the president of the French Republic. She had
-cooked for the French embassy in Washington, and for various people who
-had honored places in "Who's Who?"--to say nothing of "What's What."
-Most of her references were traveling in Europe. They summered in
-England; autumned in France; wintered in Egypt; and sprung--I mean
-springed--in Germany. They were Americans, but there never seemed to be
-any part of the year that they dedicated to their own country. They had
-European resorts for the four seasons of the year. Had there been a
-fifth, they might possibly have deigned to spend it in America, but in
-default of a supplementary season, they could not be reached in the land
-of the free and the home of the brave.
-
-The arrival of Madame de Lyrolle in our modest homestead seemed to be
-somewhat revolutionary. At any rate, immediate joy was lacking. The
-first view I obtained of Letitia, after the advent of the lady from
-France, convinced me that something had crushed her. Her feathers were
-ruffled, so to speak. She was sitting pensively in the drawing-room, in
-an evening gown, and although her heart's desire, and her heart's
-desire's niece, were in the kitchen, there was no exultant satisfaction
-visible upon Letitia's mobile features.
-
-"My girl!" I cried, astonished. "I certainly expected to find you in the
-seventh heaven!"
-
-"It's nothing, Archie," she said, with an evident effort, as I sat down
-beside her; "I am just depressed. I spent the afternoon in the kitchen
-with Madame de Lyrolle, at her request, and--and--I feel about an inch
-high. I feel cheap, common, and--if you don't mind my being
-colloquial--like thirty cents."
-
-She really looked the part. My little wife seemed to have shrunk most
-positively.
-
-"Madame de Lyrolle and Leonie," she began, "are both so impressive that
-they awed me. The former begged me courteously to explain things to her
-in the kitchen before she assumed the reins of management, as she called
-it. Naturally I complied with her request, although it seemed to me a
-bit unnecessary. The first thing we did was to go through the table
-appointments, and--and--you can't imagine how--how humiliating it was."
-
-"Humiliating!" I exclaimed indignantly. "And why, pray?"
-
-"Well, Archie, Madame de Lyrolle appeared to think them inadequate.
-There are so many things that we lack. One of her first demands was for
-the asparagus tongs, and--and--when I told her that we had never used
-any, I saw her smile and--glance at Leonie. And Leonie smiled, too,
-and--and then they both smiled together. She asked me if we had
-individual asparagus holders, and--and--then there were more smiles."
-
-Letitia's face was burning, and she was apparently re-sampling her
-humiliation.
-
-"After that," she continued, "she asked me where we kept the
-grape-scissors, and again I had to admit that we had none. 'Oh,' she
-remarked quite scornfully, 'and how do you separate grapes? You don't
-pull them apart?' Of course we do, Archie, but I dreaded to say so. I
-think I stammered, and once more I saw her exchange glances with Leonie.
-I could have burst into tears when she asked for the orange cups. It was
-absolutely galling. Honestly, I thought they would have left the house
-immediately when I confessed to the absence of orange cups. I might
-have committed a crime, Madame de Lyrolle looked black, and Leonie
-pursed her lips. Madame said that never--never during her artistic
-career (those were her words) had she affiliated (her word) with people
-who failed in the matter of orange cups."
-
-"I wouldn't use them," I interrupted angrily. "Thank goodness, while I
-have my health and strength, I can peel an orange with my good old
-fingers and a knife."
-
-"Hush, dear. After the orange-cup episode, she seemed to regard me with
-a sort of tender pity. I'm sure she considered me a Goth,
-and--and--nobody has ever done that before. To be pitied by one's cook!
-Oh, it was horrible. When it came to the silver, which as you know,
-dear, is mostly quadruple plate--silver in name only--I was reduced to a
-sort of pulp. She and Leonie examined it critically, positively looking
-for marks on it, and I should have hated to hear their comments in my
-absence. 'I have never served food in anything but sterling silver
-before,' said Madame. 'Just imagine my _salmi_ of black game, in an
-_entrée_ dish of quadruple plate! Why, the delicacy of the flavor would
-be ruined. I'm afraid I shall not be able to achieve a _salmi_."
-
-I began to experience a slight symptom of Letitia's humiliation, as I
-realized that while I might one day be a successful author, I could
-never--never--be a Wall Street broker!
-
-"I told her," Letitia resumed, bitterly mortified, "that we would try to
-do without the _salmi_. We would endeavor to drag on a wretched
-existence without black game. I meant this for sarcasm, but it didn't
-take. Her lip curled. 'As Madame wishes,' she said contemptuously. Of
-course, some of our silver is not quadruple plate--the salt-cellars and
-the cruets. I longed for her to reach them. Would you believe it,
-Archie, she was not interested? Artists, she said, did not sanction the
-appearance on table of salt-cellars or cruets. Food should be properly
-seasoned before it left the kitchen. Salt-cellars and cruets belonged to
-the barbarous table notions of uneducated English and Americans."
-
-"Really, Letitia, I don't think we can--"
-
-"Don't, please. It is all right now. I'm just telling you what _did_
-happen, so that you can sympathize with me. I've been through it
-all--alone. She then told me that while salt-cellars on a dinner table
-were unnecessary, _bonbonnières_ filled with dainty candy were rigidly
-called for. When she saw our _bonbonnières_, she and Leonie turned
-quietly aside. You remember, Archie, they were theater souvenirs that
-Aunt Julia gave us. One celebrated the one hundredth performance of _The
-Masqueraders_, the other the fiftieth performance of _The Girl With the
-Green Eyes_. I really felt quite abject. I--I--positively longed
-for--for Mrs. Potzenheimer."
-
-Poor Letitia! It was cruel. Gladly would I have spared her such chagrin.
-
-"I don't think she meant to cause me pain," she went on. "She is merely
-swell, and she seemed to wonder why we, who lacked these luxuries, had
-engaged so expensive a culinary artist. Perhaps it was natural, but--I
-really couldn't put myself in her place, though it must have been much
-more comfortable than _mine_! I was glad when the silver inspection was
-over. It wouldn't have been so bad if I had been alone with Madame, but
-Leonie was there, like a hateful echo, and that made it so fearfully
-trying. Next, I had to introduce her to the glass. Oh!"
-
-I dreaded to hear about the glass. What would she think of my tumblers,
-at ninety-six cents a dozen, bought to replace the wedding present that
-Potzenheimer and Birdie had smashed between them!
-
-"She asked to see the cut-glass," said Letitia, and this time there was
-a wan smile on her lips. "I felt that she would indeed be
-extraordinarily clever--in fact, _clairvoyante_--if she _could_ see the
-cut-glass, for I couldn't. There was the decanter, that was cut-glass
-only as to the stopper, and there was the salad-bowl, that is merely
-near-cut-glass. When she saw the tumblers"--I winced--"I really thought
-that she would throw them out of the window. 'Even _vin ordinaire_ would
-be tasteless in them,' she said. 'I should like to see the best
-tumblers, those that you use for dinner parties, and on state
-occasions.'"
-
-Letitia came to a standstill, as though she had at last reached the
-meeting of the waters and was pausing before tackling the conflict.
-
-"Just then, Archie, it occurred to me," she said slowly, "that
-nothing--nothing could save us but a good, big, carefully conceived,
-well-directed, artistic, whopping lie!"
-
-"That's right!" I cried viciously. "I forgive you beforehand."
-
-"Why should we be intimidated by a cook?" she asked oratorically. "I
-asked myself that, and I could find no answer. Here we were about to
-ruin ourselves to give this woman employment, being cross-examined by
-her, as though we were prisoners at the bar. Moreover, it was a case of
-two to one--she and Leonie against me! So I remained quiet for a few
-moments, as I came to the conclusion that nobody could cope with all
-this but a really beautiful, unabashed liar!"
-
-"I can't bear to hear you talk like that, Letitia," I said, my
-viciousness vanishing, as I realized the full force of Letitia's
-irreligious resolution.
-
-"I suddenly turned upon her," said Letitia, not heeding my
-plaintiveness, "in a well-assumed fury. It was a condition that I found
-no difficulty in simulating. 'I have listened to your impertinent
-catechism for a long time, Madame,' I said, 'and now it's my turn. No
-doubt you are surprised to find our appointments so meager. The fact is,
-that as we don't know you, and as your references are all at the
-antipodes, we have sent all our valuables to my aunt's country seat in
-Tarrytown. The gold dinner set, that we use every day; the antique
-silver table ornaments, the priceless salad-bowl, punch-bowl, and
-tumblers; the wonderful knives, and the marvelous forks--all have gone
-to Tarrytown, because we don't know you, there to stay until we do! You
-see, we have been victimized by cooks, and though an artist, you are yet
-a cook.'"
-
-"Good!" I exclaimed triumphantly. "Bravo! You're a genius, Letitia. It
-was a masterpiece."
-
-"I must confess that after my brave words, I felt terribly frightened. I
-experienced a sort of reaction that made me quite weak. I thought that
-this would end all the roseate allurements of Madame de Lyrolle, and
-that she would instantly quit. I felt positively harrowed, as it
-occurred to me that we should have to begin over again, and that all our
-efforts had gone for nothing. Would you believe it, Archie? She was as
-meek as Moses, while Leonie absolutely fawned!"
-
-"You clever girl!"
-
-"As for instantly quitting, she seemed to fear that I should request her
-to do so. 'I meant no impertinence,' she said quite humbly, 'and I think
-you were right about the gold dishes. One can't be too careful.' The
-gold dishes caught her, Archie. I felt almost sorry that I hadn't
-studded them with a few diamonds. But one can't think of everything!
-Aunt Julia's country seat, in Tarrytown, also made a hit. It seemed to
-shed a reflected luster upon us. She asked several questions--oh, very
-deferentially--about it, and I could see that we had gone up in her
-estimation. As I am really anxious to keep her, Archie, and to be
-comfortable for a little while, I thought it advisable to be vulgarly
-ostentatious on the subject of Aunt Julia. I told her that my aunt was
-fabulously wealthy, and hated the idea of our living so unpretentiously
-in New York, in a small apartment. I put it all down to you, dear. I
-cooked up a story of a _mésalliance_. I had married you against Aunt
-Julia's wishes. You were poor and of rather common parentage, but I
-loved you, I said."
-
-"You needn't have lied _quite_ so artistically, Letitia," I said, rather
-hurt.
-
-"Isn't it quite true that I love you?" she asked lightly. "What an
-ungrateful boy! So long as we have a good cook, what matters anything? I
-began quite to enjoy my own romance. I felt like the Lady of Lyons, and
-nearly told her about the horrid home to which you took me. I said that
-the idea of a French cook was all mine. You had literally starved me,
-because you have been brought up to think corned-beef and cabbage the
-truest luxury."
-
-"I think it _most_ unnecessary, Letitia," I said emphatically, "to make
-me out a boor--to paint me in such colors to a cook. I should never have
-believed--"
-
-"I _had_ to put finishing touches," she declared. "Don't you see,
-Archie, that it was important to follow up the gold plates with
-something dramatic? What does it matter to you how she regards you? As
-long as she is a good cook and behaves herself, surely you don't care
-what she thinks of you. Moreover, though she _may_ look upon you as low,
-she considers _me_ as a sort of Lady Clara Vere de Vere, most
-aristocratic and well worth working for. Isn't that enough, Archie? Oh,
-dear, I _wish_ I could induce you to be awfully coarse and disgusting,
-before her! It would be such a help."
-
-I rose, and walked away, thoroughly put out. "You are carrying the joke
-too far!" I said sullenly.
-
-"Oh, what a silly, sensitive boy it is!" she sighed. "And oh, how it
-cares what even its cook thinks of it! I did all this for your sake,
-Archie. You can imagine that I shouldn't select a low husband from
-choice. I merely thought that it made the whole story hang together.
-That's all. Of course, you can be yourself if you prefer it. Madame de
-Lyrolle can always think that I am refining you, and that you are
-gradually acquiring decency."
-
-"I won't have it, Letitia," I interrupted furiously; "I don't see the
-fun. I positively refuse to be belittled in my own house."
-
-"Archie, you're almost too silly to kiss," she said, kissing me, "and I
-don't think you deserve to be kissed, either. Here have I been cudgeling
-my brains all day to devise means to retain a cook that will please you!
-I have been bullied, and humiliated, and forced to lie, and falsify, and
-perjure my soul. And, after I have been through it all, and emerged
-safely on the other side, weak, but victorious, you sulk,
-because--because--you don't see the fun! There _is_ no fun to see.
-Nobody knows that better than I do. Come, sir, apologize at once, to
-your lawful wife, or I shall immediately go and tell Madame that you are
-of noble birth, and that I've been guying her--that you are really quite
-obstreperously decent. Come, Archie, your apology, please."
-
-I was slightly mollified, but--"Remember, Letitia," I insisted, "I
-decline to be low."
-
-She laughed tantalizingly. "You needn't be _too_ low," she said, "just a
-little bit 'off' will do. Even if you only promise to tuck your
-table-napkin under your chin and look greedy, I shall be satisfied.
-Apologize to me, or off I trot to Madame--" and she rose to go.
-
-"Come back, Letitia," I cried. "You are really intolerable. I apologize.
-I apologize. You're a martyr, and I--I--"
-
-"You're a respectable coal-heaver, dear," she said with malice and a
-kiss.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER XVIII
-
-
-"And they lived happily ever after!" If the advent of Madame de Lyrolle
-had only been the cue for that sweet, old-fashioned culmination--that
-dulcet, though generally inartistic surcease from trouble! But, of
-course, it was not. My readers will probably say that sheer dramatic
-justice cries out for our speedy chastisement. Alas! Sheer dramatic
-justice did not have to cry long. It pursued us relentlessly,
-raveningly. We were innocent as Pompeii confidingly couched beside the
-dread Vesuvius. This is not the place to say that we deserved it.
-Surely, if Letitia and I have made one solitary friend during the
-progress of this "sad, eventful history," he, or she, will refrain from
-the luxurious "I told you so!"
-
-I am not comparing Madame de Lyrolle to Vesuvius. No. I have never been
-vicious, and I should scorn to do so rank an injustice to--Vesuvius!
-There are methods of confounding, more subtile than that of a swift and
-merciful eruption, methods that--er--"get there just the same." Alas!
-Also, _misericordia_!
-
-Thanks to Letitia's iridescent mendacity, our household effects were no
-longer bones of contention. Madame gracefully condescended to live with
-us and be our cook, and Leonie, equally gracefully, deigned to support
-the culinary star. They both persisted in regarding Letitia as a darling
-of fortune, marred. And I was the marrer. Leonie, who waited upon us,
-paid me but scant attention and looked upon me as of no consequence. If
-I addressed her, she replied as to one of her own kind; in fact, it
-occurred to me that I was considered as a wickedly lucky mortal, who, by
-some freak of fate, had been plucked from a butler's life to desecrate
-that of the husband of an American heiress.
-
-Madame asked for half her salary in advance. "We do not know you,"
-Letitia had said to her. The inference was that she, on the other hand,
-did not know Letitia. She was not taking any risks. Although our gold
-dishes were at Tarrytown, Madame cautiously decided to assure herself
-that some of the metal of which the dishes were made remained in New
-York.
-
-"Leonie is to do the marketing for Madame," said Letitia, on the morning
-of the first day; "and I think that arrangement very satisfactory. I
-have supplied her with money--more than she could possibly need, for I
-did not want to seem 'close'--and at the end of the week we can go over
-the accounts. It all seems delightful, doesn't it, dear?"
-
-It did, indeed, and our first dinner confirmed our sensation of
-pleasure. There was no deception. We began with a _purée mongole_, and
-proceeded with frogs _à la poulette_. Dainty little lamb chops, _à la
-maintenon_, roast grass plovers, a salad that was nearly poetic, and a
-delicious sweet, known as cream _renversée_, made us feel almost too
-nice to be at home. As for the after-dinner coffee, it was--sepia
-ecstasy. Perhaps we _were_ fastidious; undoubtedly the dear folks who
-say that they revel in plain food delicately prepared in pure water,
-will sniff at this program. Still, I should not like to set it before
-them with any hopes of finding remnants. Those dear folks who love plain
-food! The grapes are so sour!
-
-Leonie almost threw the food at me, but she served Letitia most
-obsequiously. I was glad to see my little wife so well taken care of,
-but I must admit that I made frantic efforts to redeem myself in the
-handmaiden's sight. I tried to indicate, unostentatiously, education and
-refinement. Weak I may be, but I hated to be regarded as a vulgarian.
-
-The maid was a great restraint upon us. There she stood at the back of
-Letitia's chair like a Nemesis. We had to restrict our conversation to
-glittering generalities. She drank in our words, unbudgingly. Her eyes
-were riveted on Letitia's plate, and my wife was plied with food
-unceasingly. I am sorry to say that _I_ had to ask for some more of the
-cream _renversée_. In fact, I had to ask twice, before I got it, and
-then it was pushed rather rudely before me.
-
-"It is like a dream," said Letitia purringly, when we were alone in the
-drawing-room. "You see, nothing was over-stated in the advertisement. It
-was all quite true."
-
-"I only wish we had a theater on, or a party to go to, or something to
-do," I said longingly. "It seems wicked to sit still and read, after a
-dinner like that. We ought to move--stir--walk."
-
-"Of course it _would_ be nicer," acquiesced Letitia. "That will come
-later. I dare say that Madame will spur us to sociability."
-
-We sat, and read, and digested. Letitia seemed drowsy; I felt heavy, and
-disinclined for exertion. The richness of our repast was undeniable.
-Letitia's remark that it was like a dream was not irrelevant, but the
-dream was a nightmare. A more awe-inspiring night I have never spent. I
-dreamed that Gerda Lyberg was holding me down and throttling me, while
-Mrs. Potzenheimer and Birdie Miriam McCaffrey did a cachucha apiece on
-my body. I awoke, dripping with perspiration, to find Letitia
-agitatedly pacing up and down the bedroom.
-
-"Nothing--nothing would induce me to go to sleep again, Archie," she
-said excitedly. "Don't ask me to. I shall sit up for the rest of the
-night. I dreamed that I went in the kitchen and found Madame de Lyrolle
-boiling Olga Allallami's twins!"
-
-Breakfast was so elaborate that it made me late for the office. There
-were eggs, _à la bonne femme_, and porgies, _à la Horly_. Madame had
-also prepared pigs' feet with _sauce Robert_, which we were obliged to
-refuse. In fact, most of the breakfast was left. There was enough for at
-least ten people, each with a healthy appetite. But, as Letitia said,
-nothing would be wasted. These French cooks understood the science of
-economy. It was one of their finest points.
-
-The second dinner was an artistic continuation of the first. It
-consisted of broiled trout, sweetbreads, and ptarmigan. Madame had made
-pathetic inquiries about the wine-cellar, and Letitia, in humiliation,
-had been forced to tell her that the wine-cellar was under the bed in
-the spare-room. There we kept a few bottles of claret and a case of
-champagne. We were not collectors. We knew very little about wines, and
-did not belong to the class that discusses a vintage as though it were a
-religion. Madame's artistic nature needed a stimulant, and Letitia told
-her to take what she required. Owing to the location of the wine-cellar,
-it called for no key.
-
-Our appetite was not as keen on this second occasion, though we did fair
-justice to the bill of fare. It was most ridiculously generous.
-
-"It is a pity that we don't _know_ anybody," said Letitia
-discontentedly; "it seems so greedy for us to sit down alone to such a
-dinner. We should appreciate it so much more if we had company. Don't
-you agree with me, dear? Positively, I feel gluttonous. I should enjoy
-people sharing this with us. We might ask Aunt Julia, or Mrs. Archer,
-or--"
-
-"Tamworth?"
-
-"Tamworth!" cried Letitia angrily. "No, Archie, that man shall never
-enter this house again. If he came to dinner, Madame would surely have
-triplets--or something horrible. Tamworth is unlucky. I look upon him as
-responsible for Olga Allallami's--"
-
-"Letitia!"
-
-"You know what I mean. I associate him with our first knowledge of that
-disaster, and--I shall hate him for ever. So don't suggest Tamworth.
-No," she said querulously to Leonie, who was hovering over her with
-cabinet pudding, _à la Sadi-Carnot_. "I can't really eat any sweets
-to-night. I am sorry, because the pudding looks so nice. Perhaps it
-will do for to-morrow."
-
-"Madame is joking," Leonie murmured deferentially. "The pudding would be
-impossible to-morrow."
-
-Rather than sit still and read again, we went to a music-hall and walked
-there! It was not the music-hall that we wanted, but the exertion of
-getting to it. Anything rather than another series of nightmares.
-
-"Madame is certainly a wonder," said Letitia, as we listened to a
-blatant comedian holding up the stage. "It is marvelous how these French
-women can make a little money go a long way. Just think of the perpetual
-surprises she offers us, and of her knowledge of the market. While her
-wages are quite ridiculously high--I wouldn't dare to discuss the matter
-with Aunt Julia--you will find that in the long run we shall not be out
-of pocket, owing to the French system of economy."
-
-"The table is certainly most liberal," I remarked, "though nothing ever
-seems to return. I noticed, dear, that at each meal we have something
-new."
-
-"That is her art," said Letitia delightedly. "Constant surprise--that is
-the maxim of the French cook. I forgot to say, dear, that I gave her
-twenty-five dollars for kitchen utensils. She wanted _sautoires_ and
-_casseroles_, and dozens of things we have never had. Of course, this
-expense can never occur again. She laughed at our old tins, and declared
-that they would ruin anything."
-
-The week passed uneventfully--unless we may consider our meals as
-events. We lived on the "fat of the land" in bounteous doses, and
-accepted it as our merited portion. Madame seemed to awaken from her
-artistic lethargy, and once or twice her temperament surprised us. She
-and Leonie waxed so lively in the kitchen that we were startled. Then
-again, they seemed to quarrel rather vociferously. Letitia asserted that
-she heard Madame exclaim on one occasion: "_Mon Dieu!_" but I could have
-sworn that it was "Hully Jee!" It seemed absurd to mistake one for the
-other. Probably I was wrong, though as Letitia was expecting French she
-would be likely to imagine that she heard it. Why, however, should
-Madame de Lyrolle of the Faubourg St. Germain, cry "Hully Jee"? Then we
-realized that corks popped noisily and uncannily, and the inference
-seemed unmistakable that either Leonie, or Madame, or both, had been
-groping under the bed-wine-cellar. However, we did not mind that. The
-artistic temperament yearns for an occasional vinous coaxing.
-
-Letitia talked persistently of the joy of surprise. That surprise is,
-nevertheless, not inevitably joyous, was a fact rather rudely borne in
-upon us. The day of reckoning came, and the "fat of the land" stared us
-starkly in the face. The evening that I usually dedicate to the signing
-of the tradesmen's checks arrived. We had dined particularly well, the
-main feature of the dinner having been squabs. We ate two apiece, and
-four were removed intact--mute testimony to the French system of
-economy.
-
-"I can't think _how_ she does it!" Letitia had said, in ecstatic
-appreciation. "We might really be millionaires."
-
-We might be, but we were not. Yet, I had no premonition of evil as I
-nonchalantly took up the butcher's bill. When I saw it, I uttered an
-exclamation, and Letitia came running to my side. We looked at it, and
-rubbed our eyes. We looked again, and rubbed them some more.
-
-"It must be a mistake," Letitia said, paling.
-
-The figures were fat and solid. The amount set forth would have
-maintained an ordinary family of seven or eight, in comfort, for a
-month. A horrid sensation of bankruptcy overwhelmed me. Then I looked at
-the grocer's bill. It was four pages long, and the "demnition total"
-quite appalling. I could scarcely believe the testimony of my own eyes.
-The gentleman who supplied the fish appeared to be equally rapacious.
-Was it all a hateful conspiracy, a fell plot to effect my ruin, or--or
-was it French economy?
-
-"We have eaten ourselves to the poorhouse, Letitia," I said, with a
-sinking heart. "I--I can't pay these bills."
-
-"Oh, they must be somebody else's bills," murmured Letitia, "they--they
-can't be ours."
-
-"They can't be anybody else's," I protested, in the calmness born of
-despair. "Nobody could stand them. Rockefeller doesn't live in this
-neighborhood. Carnegie is miles away. They _might_ be Carnegie's, if he
-were a neighbor. As it is, my girl, I'm afraid they are ours. Yet how
-_can_ they be?"
-
-"Of course we have lived well," said Letitia reflectively, "we have
-lived _very_ well. We can't even put it down to waste, because French
-people never waste."
-
-"And yet"--I tried to fathom the mystery--"there has always been three
-times as much as we could eat. The other night, we had six ptarmigans
-before us, and we ate one apiece. The inference is, Letitia, either that
-Madame and Leonie have appetites like cart-horses, or that they throw
-the things away."
-
-"A French cook throws nothing away," persisted Letitia almost defiantly.
-"That I know."
-
-"You had better ask Madame about it," I said doggedly. "Perhaps she can
-explain."
-
-"That is surely your privilege, Archie. You pay the bills; I don't."
-
-"Since you have told her that I am just a poor hanger-on, and that you
-are the money end of the concern, the affair this time, my dear Letitia,
-is yours."
-
-At present, I flattered myself I had scored one. Letitia had painted her
-position so luminously, and had etched me in in such somber tints, that
-I felt master of the situation. Perhaps it was cowardly, but as I had
-the name I might as well have the game. Although I had said little about
-the contemptuous treatment I had received from Leonie during the past
-week, I had felt it acutely. Like the Spartan boy, I had suffered in
-silence. Being American, and not even a little bit Spartan, this had
-been difficult.
-
-Letitia was weeping silently, and I felt like a double-distilled brute.
-"I hate to talk to an artist in that way," she said sorrowfully. "Her
-temperament will be shocked. You can well imagine, Archie, that such a
-woman will simply despise us."
-
-"But where's the French system of economy?" I asked wildly. "Where's the
-_pot au feu_ with the delicious soup, and the daintily served meat? You
-said that rats would starve on the refuse from a French kitchen. Why,
-according to these bills, the refuse from ours would have fattened the
-entire menagerie at Central Park and the Bronx, including the elephants,
-tigers and bears."
-
-"Now you're exaggerating," asserted Letitia plaintively; "you're making
-things out worse than they are. You're--"
-
-I could not afford to argue. Facts stared me in the face. I had a small
-balance at the bank, which I should over-draw if I made out checks for
-these bills. The savings I had accumulated were drawing interest in the
-growing but by no means adult publishing house of Tamworth and Fairfax.
-I could borrow from Tamworth, of course, this week, but next week loomed
-up hideously as a sheer impossibility. Something must be done at once.
-
-I rang the bell. "We must talk it over with Madame," I said desperately.
-
-The kitchen, some distance away from the drawing-room, seemed strangely
-close. We could hear Madame and Leonie laughing weirdly, and though we
-both of us liked merry moods, this particular brand of mirth grated.
-There was a pause after my ring. Then Leonie appeared, wiping her mouth,
-and I told her that I wished to see her aunt.
-
-"I--I think--she's gone to bed," the maid remarked, after a reluctant
-moment.
-
-"Why, I just heard her laughing," said Letitia, surprised. "Send her in
-at once, Leonie." And as the maid departed, Letitia added: "She may be
-unprepared for the drawing-room."
-
-This was undoubtedly true. Madame came in a moment later, also wiping
-her mouth, and with her face wreathed in smiles. Her hair was disheveled
-and her dress disordered. She might have been rolling on the floor. Her
-look was so strange, her gait so unsteady, that Letitia instinctively
-clutched my arm. Thereupon, Madame de Lyrolle fell promptly over the
-tiger-head, and--unlike many who had suffered a similar fate--she lay
-there, laughing hilariously.
-
-"And me a lady, too!" she exclaimed, pealing with mirth.
-
-Outside the room stood Leonie, apparently deeply agitated. As she saw
-her star prone on the best rug, and heard the bacchanalian laughter
-stertorously proceeding from her lips, she entered hastily and
-approached her relative. Letitia still held my arm in a grip, and my own
-emotions were--well, mixed.
-
-"Oh, come away, Aunt Delia," pleaded Leonie; "come away. She's not
-feeling good to-night"--turning to Letitia--"she's had toothache, and
-swallowed some of the whisky that she took to ease the pain. It must
-have gone to her head. Oh, Aunt Delia, get up. That ain't no position
-for a lady."
-
-Leonie burst into tears. The position was too much for her, especially
-as Aunt Delia gave unmistakable indications of a fondness for red
-garters with saucy bows on them!
-
-"Why do you call her Aunt Delia?" asked Letitia sternly, evidently in
-the belief that the Faubourg St. Germain had no dealings with Delias.
-
-"Because it's her name," replied Leonie sullenly. "That's what I call
-her. She was Delia O'Shaughnessy before she married that blooming old
-French chef on the French ocean steamer--blessed if I don't forget its
-name. She's always Aunt Delia O'Shaughnessy to me."
-
-Letitia covered her face with her hands. Madame O'Shaughnessy de Lyrolle
-began to kick until the bows on her garters fluttered. Still she
-laughed, loudly, shockingly, unendingly.
-
-"Was she ever in France?" I asked, mortally pained.
-
-"Not on your tintype!" declared the maid in disgraceful colloquialism,
-as she advanced to the tiger-head and tried to raise Aunt Delia's two
-hundred pounds. "New York's good enough for Aunt Delia; ain't it,
-Auntie? She in France! And with that husband! Nobody would want to go to
-a country that turned out specimens like that. But he taught Aunt Delia
-how to cook--coached her for years--and don't you forget it. She got
-that much out of him."
-
-"Now I understand her extravagance," cried Letitia, as though suddenly
-enlightened. "Now I see it all. He was a cook on some ocean greyhound,
-and she--"
-
-"Extravagant!" cried Leonie insolently; "I like that. Aunt Delia has
-cooked for the best people in this country. She has never _yet_ hired
-herself out to cheap skates. Say, Aunt Delia"--frantically endeavoring
-to pierce that lady's dulled comprehension--"they're complaining. We're
-extravagant. They want good things, but they hate to pay for 'em. They
-eat like pigs, and then kick at the bills."
-
-"Come away, Letitia," I said nervously. "You go to your room, and I'll
-see to this."
-
-"I will not leave you, Archie," she declared, though she was trembling;
-"I--I'm not afraid."
-
-"Won't either of you help me up with me aunt?" Leonie asked, her anger
-rising and an unsteadiness of gait, similar to that of the good lady on
-the tiger-head, manifesting itself. "Call yourselves human beings?
-Standing there and letting a lady suffer like this! You and your gold
-plates!" (tugging at Aunt Delia). "You and your rich Tarrytown aunt!"
-(pulling down Aunt Delia's refractory dress). "I don't believe it. I
-don't believe your stories. We've got our money, anyway, and you can
-fish--fish--fish!"
-
-With each "fish" Aunt Delia raised her limbs, and her dutiful niece
-pressed them discreetly down. Madame O'Lyrolle de Shaughnessy still
-continued her ebullition of laughter. She was deaf to her niece's
-entreaties. She had certainly come to stay, and the tiger-head appeared
-to suit her artistic tastes.
-
-"You will have to call in a policeman, Archie," said Letitia, in a low
-voice.
-
-Whether it was the innate sympathy of anything O'Shaughnessy for New
-York's finest, or whether Letitia's words acted as a stimulant to the
-lady's artistic temperament, we shall never know, but at the mere
-utterance of the word "policeman" Aunt Delia decided to quit her
-recumbent position, and with a look of offended dignity, and Leonie's
-assistance, she rose to her feet.
-
-"I'd like to see the po-lees-man who'd touch me," she said in deep
-contralto tones, with a lost chord in them. "Me for me bedstead, Leonie,
-old gal. Come, give us a hand." Then, with a solemnity that some people
-might consider humorous, she added, turning to Letitia: "Leonie's a
-good girl, and a comfort--hic--to her old aunt. Sorry to trouble you.
-Don't mention it. It's a pleasure. As my husband used to say--hang
-him!--'_Pas de quoi. A votre service._' Well, we'll go now, and thank
-you. So long, for a little while!"
-
-Leonie, with an expression of spite on her face that was almost
-withering, led away the Faubourg St. Germain's caterer. The fumes of
-wine filled the room and I threw open the windows, heaving a sigh of
-enjoyment as the fresh air reached us. Letitia's bravery appealed to me,
-and I complimented her upon her plucky behavior. The reaction had now
-set in and she was shivering apprehensively.
-
-"I don't think I can stand any more of this, Archie," she said weakly.
-"I--I've reached the limit. This scene was too degrading--too
-abject--too incredibly vulgar!"
-
-"They must leave the house in the morning!"
-
-"In the morning!" she cried, aghast. "Why not now? I shouldn't feel safe
-sleeping with them in the house. They might murder us, or each other."
-
-"They won't murder us, dear," I said soothingly, "and if they choose to
-murder each other--"
-
-"The scandal would be too horrible. Archie, let us implore them to go
-now. Let us offer them money to leave at once."
-
-"Money!" I said bitterly. "I'm not made of it, my girl. I certainly
-can't pay them to get out after having given them so much to come in.
-They won't hurt us, you silly child. They are just a trifle
-intoxicated."
-
-"A _trifle_ intoxicated! How can you say such a thing? Oh, those red
-garters--those terrible red garters--those bows--will be for ever in my
-mind. I can never--never--look a red garter in the face again. A trifle
-intoxicated! Why, it is in conditions like this that the worst crimes
-are committed. Let us take the midnight train to Tarrytown."
-
-"And leave them here to complete our ruin! No, Letitia. You have been a
-brave girl throughout this episode. Just be brave for a bit longer.
-To-morrow we shall see things differently. These women will sleep
-quietly, and so shall we."
-
-"I shan't. I couldn't to save my life. I should see red garters and
-those awful odious legs. I should hear that laughter. I can't forget it.
-O'Shaughnessy! Just think of it--the very name that I loathe, too. Aunt
-Delia! Isn't it wicked, Archie? Isn't it cruel? Ha! ha! ha! ha! Oh, I
-can't stand it. Ha! ha! ha! ha!"
-
-Letitia was in hysterics before I realized it. In alarm, I ran to the
-dining-room and mixed her a glass of bromo-seltzer, and then ran back
-and stood over her until she had drunk it. As she grew calmer and an
-ominous repose took the place of the hysteria, I implored her to try and
-forget everything until the morning, when these events would seem less
-awe-inspiring. The riot in the kitchen had ceased. A sound of deep
-contralto snoring, accompanied by similar music in a tone more treble,
-was all that we heard. Aunt Delia was evidently sleeping the sleep of
-the Faubourg St. Germain, while Leonie was still supporting her star.
-
-Nevertheless, I locked our door, and Letitia pushed the bureau against
-it.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER XIX
-
-
-Our enthusiasm for the alleged joys of an alleged New York home was now
-decidedly on the wane, and we were face to face with the problem that
-New Yorkers are strenuously trying to solve: how to live in apparent
-decency without one. We did not dare, just at present, to do more than
-reflect upon the intricacies of the enigma. We were, however,
-disillusioned. The old order of things, to which we still clung, had
-gone out of fashion, and we began to realize it.
-
-Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle (_née_ O'Shaughnessy) and her niece left us
-next day, with the reluctant aid of the police. Their awakening was not
-that repentant return to the normal condition that we had confidently
-expected. Madame's temperament was evidently not addicted to remorse.
-She was inclined to be violent in the morning, and we were roused by the
-noise of a hand-to-hand conflict between our hired ladies, in which the
-finger-nails of each seemed to play leading rôles. So I was obliged to
-telephone for a policeman, who (being named Doherty) seemed a trifle
-uncertain whether he had been called in to remove Letitia and myself or
-the Irish Gauls. Apparently he thought that we deserved his attention
-more picturesquely than they did. A sort of masonic sympathy established
-itself between Mr. Doherty and Mrs. O'Shaughnessy. Letitia and I felt
-almost _de trop_--as though we were spoiling sport or playing
-gooseberry. I managed to intimate to Mr. Doherty, however, that though
-American, I was still master in my own house. In due course, the
-policeman and the ladies left. In spite of the distasteful memory of
-Monsieur Hyacinthe de Lyrolle, I fancy that the _chère_ Madame was not
-utterly disgusted with the sex to which he belonged.
-
-The ensuing week was principally devoted to unexpected payments for
-unexpected things debited to my account by Madame Hyacinthe. Some
-philosophic people declare that it is a pleasure to pay for what one has
-had and enjoyed. That may be true. I will not argue the question. I
-assert, however, that it is difficult to find pleasure in paying for
-what one has never had, and that somebody else has enjoyed. An adjacent
-ice-cream parlor sent me in a large bill for ice-cream sodas that had
-been served in my apartment, at the rate of two or three times a day,
-during the sojourn of the French ladies. A drug store plied me with an
-account for various items, the advantages of which we had never reaped.
-For ten days I was busy settling up. It was the "joy of surprise" with a
-vengeance. Madame had thoughtlessly omitted to clothe herself at my
-expense. A few tailor-made gowns and ruffled silk petticoats would have
-added to the joyous revelations.
-
-"When I read," said Letitia, "of the silly New York women who don't know
-what a home means, and who offer prizes to servants who keep their
-places, my blood boils. Prizes to servants who keep their places! The
-prizes should go to the poor housekeepers who are able to overcome their
-sense of repugnance sufficiently to admit these creatures into their
-houses, and keep them there."
-
-"The women who talk most about the servant question, my dear," I said
-sententiously, "are the over-dressed, underfed matrons you see at the
-lobster palaces, who live on one meal a day, which they take at a
-restaurant, and spend their mornings in curl-papers and wrappers."
-
-"What I can't understand," resumed Letitia reflectively, "is the total
-disappearance of what we read about as the dignity of labor. Surely,
-Archie, it has a dignity. Some people must work for the benefit of
-others. If everybody had to dust, and sweep, and sew, and cook for
-herself, what would become of all the graces of life, of literature,
-art, music? I don't see anything so disgraceful in housework. We can't
-all be equal, can we--except in theory? Why, when you see two people
-together for just five minutes, you can note the superiority of the one,
-and the inferiority of the other."
-
-I had no desire to be dragged into an economic discussion. My mind was
-not in a condition serene enough to grapple with it. I had just paid out
-nearly eleven dollars to the ice-cream and candy purveyor who had
-surreptitiously cooled Madame de Lyrolle's "innards."
-
-"I suppose," continued Letitia, "that the reason New York women look so
-much nicer than they are is that the poor things have no time to do
-anything for their own mental refinement. They must eat like paupers,
-live like laborers' wives, and rely for their only pleasure upon clothes
-and a nocturnal restaurant. Then they slink back to their joyless 'home'
-and go to a bed that they have, themselves, made."
-
-"Poor souls!" I sighed.
-
-"You can't blame them for lack of conversational power," said Letitia,
-"or for want of internal resources. They can't even have children in
-comfort. Mrs. Archer told me that when she was first married she was so
-busy, and so uncomfortable, and so pressed for room, and always without
-a cook, that she literally had no time to have children. She wanted a
-little boy, but put off having him until she got a good cook. And as she
-never obtained the good cook, she felt that she had no right to make a
-poor little boy unhappy."
-
-"Mrs. Archer talks nonsense," I remarked rather severely (I felt it my
-duty to be severe on this occasion).
-
-"I don't see it at all. The comforts of home are even more necessary in
-case of children. These wretched creatures who masquerade as servants
-and who detest you simply because you employ them--and for no other
-reason--are menaces to safety. Imagine children around with the
-inebriated, incompetent drudges we have had--"
-
-Poor Letitia was talking "race suicide" with a vengeance, and I was not
-inclined to pursue the subject. Cook as an exterminator of the human
-species seemed too glittering a novelty. Yet there was much common sense
-in what my level-headed little wife said.
-
-"Cook is a tragedy, my girl," I admitted. "The world has had servants
-for centuries, and the world has progressed. Now that the end of the old
-régime is at hand and the cook has turned, I can't fancy that the world
-will be routed. Something new will be discovered, and cook can hang
-herself. The world must fight its own battles. It is up to the world,
-and you and I are just atoms."
-
-"Call yourself an atom, if you like, Archie," she said, quite hurt, "but
-leave me out of it. I hate always being looked upon as an atom and I
-can't endure scientists. Even if we _are_ very petty and unimportant and
-mere cogs in the wheel, we don't realize it. And if we did realize it,
-then we should just submit quietly to be ground down and pulverized. I
-won't be pulverized just yet. And all on account of cook, too!"
-
-But there was no doubt at all about it. Our enthusiasm was waning, and
-though we still decided to play the farce for a time longer, our effort
-was half-hearted. We realized the gaunt impossibility of the thing. We
-studied the life that was lived around us--the bleak, inhospitable holes
-that apparently refined people called home; nooks with chairs and tables
-in them, ornate, and decorated, but devoid of the subtile quality known
-as atmosphere; crannies where the married he and she hid their
-discomforts, and turned a brave front to the world; cold and dismal
-recesses where the casual visitor was offered a glass of ice-water, and
-where old-fashioned hospitality was as dead as a doornail; houses, in
-which, except on state occasions and amid sickening ceremony, bread was
-never broken, and conviviality unknown; barren kennels, unkempt cages,
-stark nests, cheerless dormitories! Home, in New York, had gone to the
-dogs, impelled thither by cook!
-
-"Last week," said Letitia, "Mrs. Archer gave a reception. She hired two
-colored girls and one man for the occasion. There was a whole line of
-carriages in the street. It was a very nice affair. Mrs. Archer received
-her guests in a lovely blue silk dress. There were sandwiches tied up
-with ribbons, delicious _paté de foie gras_, _bouillon en tasse_, ices,
-champagne, and all the rest of it. There was music and altogether a most
-pleasing time. We all enjoyed it immensely. Two days later I dropped
-into Mrs. Archer's in the afternoon. I was dead tired--almost fainting
-for a cup of tea. I found her in a dirty cotton wrapper, dusting the
-pictures, and looking odious. I hinted for tea, but it was no good. She
-had no servant. At last, in desperation, I asked for a sip of water, and
-she ran and brought it for me--in a teacup!"
-
-"A cup of tea is certainly not too much to expect," I murmured
-meditatively.
-
-"The poorest artisan's wife, with seventeen children, and three rooms,
-could afford a cup of tea," declared Letitia, in pained tones; "but a
-cup of tea suggests home, you know. Hospitality suggests home. People
-here have lost the knack of it. These bedizened Jezebels of the
-intelligence offices have smashed the idea to pieces. One has to set a
-day for the visitor, and prepare for it two weeks beforehand."
-
-"It must be true," I declared. "People don't drop in to dinner
-nowadays."
-
-"They can't, because the host and the hostess drop out--to dinner."
-
-It seemed impossible to realize that not so very long ago both Letitia
-and I had scoffed at the mere idea of the existence of such a thing as
-the servant question. We had disdained to admit it. We had shut our
-eyes, and cook had knocked us in the face. We were now as gods knowing
-good and evil, with more of the latter than the former. Our skittish
-lives were embittered. The beginning of the end had set in, and the
-prelude was being played.
-
-Yet we frivoled with a cook or two more. Nobody could possibly accuse us
-of cowardice. Some may say that we were silly (and to these I simply
-remark: prove it); but cowardly, we were not. We distinctly warded off
-the time of surrender. We fought to the last finish, until our
-cook-mangled bodies gave out in sheer inability to cope with the
-enigma.
-
-We secured the aid of an ancient lady, who had first breathed the breath
-of life in Ireland--a country, by-the-by, that talks eloquently of home
-rule, and yet kindly sends all its cooks over here. However, Ireland's
-bitterest foes could wish it no worse fate than the sort of home rule
-that its own cook-ladies administer.
-
-Mrs. O'Toole was sixty years old. She had been a cook, she informed us,
-for thirty-five years. That time she had apparently devoted to the art
-of learning how to learn nothing. All she could do was to stew prunes.
-It had taken her thirty-five years to acquire the knack. I could have
-stewed the universe in less time. She was most amiable, but had never
-heard of the most ordinary dishes that the most ordinary people affect.
-Like Mistress Anna Carter, she had infinite belief in the delicatessen
-curse--in the cooked-up rubbish that unfortunates throw down their
-luckless throats--in the instinct that prompts savages to eat earth.
-
-We called in Aunt Julia (poor Aunt Julia! I don't hate her nearly as
-much now!), in the hope that she might be able to teach Mrs. O'Toole a
-few rudimentary things, and as cook seemed so affable, we reasoned that
-she would probably be very glad to learn. But, bless your heart, Mrs.
-O'Toole had a soul above the sordid question of acquiring culinary
-knowledge. Aunt Julia cooked and Mrs. O'Toole let her cook!
-
-"If you will just watch me, Mrs. O'Toole," said Aunt Julia politely,
-"I'm sure you will be able to make this dish to-morrow."
-
-The cook-lady laughed in sheer light-heartedness. "Sure, mum," she said,
-"I've been thirty-five years without knowing how to make it, and I'm
-still alive. I've buried a husband and seven children, and have had a
-good time without all them new-fangled notions."
-
-It was hopeless. Mrs. O'Toole hummed _The Wearing o' the Green_ for the
-sake of her nationality, and took out her knitting. She was most
-good-tempered and pleasant about it, but she had no yearning to learn
-how to cook. Yet she must have had a ferociously arduous time in
-learning how _not_ to cook. She was charmingly familiar with us both--a
-real good soul with a rooted objection to the kitchen.
-
-"Yet some of these silly Guilds," said Letitia, "announce that they are
-going to teach women how to cook. How can they teach women who won't
-learn? My opinion is that the Guilds would have much quicker pupils if
-they promised to teach them how to loop the loop."
-
-Mrs. O'Toole was so jovial that I could almost see her looping the loop
-at Coney Island, and hear her emitting shrieks of Hibernian jollity as
-she hung head downward in that delightful institution. But I could
-not--and did not--see her cooking a dinner and laying a table.
-
-She went with as much good humor as she came. We kept her in our midst
-for a month, not because we wanted her for culinary purposes, but
-because she seemed able to sit in the kitchen, while we went out to
-dinner. She was both sober and honest, and had probably generally spent
-an innocuous month in every place. During a service of thirty-five years
-she must have graced four hundred and twenty places. Admitting, at a low
-average, three people to each household, she had therefore catered to
-twelve hundred and sixty appetites! It was an inspiring thought.
-
-Mrs. O'Toole's successor was an English lassie. At another time, our
-spirits would have risen at the prospect of an Albionite--a disciple of
-a country where servants still exist to some extent. As it was, we were
-so thoroughly discouraged that we had no illusions--which was just as
-well, as it spared us the annoyance of having them shattered. Katie
-Smith had been in the country but three days, but the rapid pace at
-which she had Americanized was the subtlest sort of compliment to New
-York City.
-
-There was very little that was typically English about her, save a
-picturesque h-lessness. In return for lost h's she had nothing to offer.
-Of course, the lack of h's would not have bothered us in the least. Miss
-Smith was very frank. She had gone wrong "at 'ome," and had been shipped
-here by her relatives. It was assumed that here she would "go right." We
-had no objections whatever to her past. Little cared we, in our
-desperation, for such trivialities as a past. We asked no questions, and
-were not curious as to her crime. Any old crime would suit us--as long
-as the criminal herself would let us live in peace.
-
-Miss Smith told us--still archly candid--that she had decided to become
-a cook, because, immediately on landing, she had been told that
-Americans were in such dire straits for cooks.
-
-"And have you ever been a cook?" asked Letitia kindly.
-
-"Oh, never," she replied indignantly, in a perish-the-thought tone, "I
-was a factory lady in the pen establishment of Messrs. M. Myers and Son,
-of Birmingham. Me a cook! Not I. But, of course, in this country, I
-don't think I shall mind it, as the wages are high."
-
-Months ago, we should have politely indicated the exact location of the
-door. Now, we were battered and pulpy, and remonstrance seemed absurd.
-Again we sent for Aunt Julia (on second consideration, I really like
-Aunt Julia!) and introduced her to the latest specimen of the genus
-"clean slate."
-
-My heart, at first, "kind of" went out to Katie Smith, because she had
-made pens, which are so necessary to me. But Letitia remarked, rather
-brusquely, that pens are not puddings, and that although they were _my_
-bread-and-butter, she had no desire to eat them with hers. I am bound to
-say that Letitia's moods were becoming most variable. They were as
-unreliable as April weather. I suppose that the constant surprise was
-rather wearing on the poor girl.
-
-Miss Smith's career was so short that I might almost call it
-instantaneous. After having cooked us one alleged dinner, which tasted
-very much as pens _au gratin_ might possibly taste, she asked Letitia if
-she might go into the garden, to get the air.
-
-Letitia thought that she was joking. The garden! Perhaps, like the
-wine-cellar, it was under the bed in the spare room. Letitia laughed,
-but Miss Smith was serious.
-
-"I couldn't stay in no place where there wasn't no garding," she said.
-"My! Ain't you cramped up for room, with a kitchen like a blooming
-cubby-'ole, and all the places so 'ot that one can't breathe. And no
-garding! What do you do to get the air?"
-
-"You can put on your things and go for a walk, Katie," said Letitia
-good-naturedly. "Some of the girls in the house get the air, as you call
-it, on the roof. Would you like to go up on the roof?"
-
-Miss Smith was much amused. "Crikey!" she cried, "me on the roof! No,
-thank you, mum. I should get giddy, and that wouldn't do. I'm sorry,
-Mrs. Fairfax, but I must 'ave a garding, for the sake of me 'ealth.
-There must be a place where I can stroll of an evening."
-
-So Albion's little lassie left us, and we wired to poor Aunt Julia to
-tell her that she need not bother to come as there was nothing to come
-for. We were not more dejected than usual, for we had lost hope, and had
-ceased to garner expectations.
-
-"Perhaps if I asked our landlord to knock down a few of his houses and
-plant a garden, we might induce Katie to stay," I suggested sardonically
-to Letitia. "He owns three or four houses on this block. A very nice
-garden could be made. I wonder if she would like an old rose garden or
-if she would be satisfied with any old garden? He might even put in an
-orchard for her."
-
-Letitia sighed. "Yes, dear," she said. "I feel I ought to laugh at your
-humor, but you'll forgive me, Archie, won't you, if I fail to discover
-its value? Katie was really not a bad sort, and it is annoying to think
-that just because we hadn't a garden--"
-
-"But she couldn't cook, my girl!"
-
-"Of course she couldn't _cook_. You expect too much, Archie. If she had
-known how to cook she wouldn't have applied for the position. But she
-knew how to open the front door, and yesterday, when I asked her to
-bring me a glass of water, she was able to draw it for me. That, it
-seems to me, is quite an accomplishment for a New York domestic."
-
-One other attempt we made to stem the tide. Mrs. Archer, who sympathized
-sincerely with our plight and had grown accustomed to her own, which was
-similar, had heard of a nice fat orphan from an orphan asylum, who had
-taken the notion to "live out." (The expression "taking the notion"
-belongs exclusively to the New York hired lady. It symbolizes her state
-of mind as new ideas dawn upon it.) So we let in the nice fat orphan,
-and put her in the kitchen. She was a simple, unsophisticated thing, who
-had been rigidly educated in an excellent Roman Catholic institution, in
-blissful ignorance of the world in which she was expected to earn her
-living later.
-
-She burst out sobbing when she saw the lonely kitchen, and refused to be
-comforted. She had always had young girls around her, she said, and had
-never been separated from orphans. Letitia told her that she was an
-orphan, and--as an extra inducement--that I was an orphan. The girl
-looked at her in blank incredulity and with an expression of dismay. Her
-idea of orphans was a crowd of little girls in uniform, marching around,
-two by two. She could not do without this. She had never done without
-it. She cried so bitterly, that Letitia was touched.
-
-"Poor thing!" she said gently, as she told the story to me, "I only wish
-we knew some nice young orphans, Archie, to sit in the kitchen with her.
-But, of course, we don't. It really grieves me."
-
-Letitia irritated me. How _could_ she be gentle, and kind, and tender,
-confronted with all these wretched subterfuges and false pretenses?
-
-"I might go out and kill a few gentlemen and ladies," I suggested
-savagely; "and ask their orphans to play with this girl. It is the only
-way out of the difficulty. Really, Letitia, you are getting quite
-childish. I have no patience--"
-
-"That is quite true, dear. You certainly have no patience. This girl is
-most respectable. She is too young to drink, too religious to steal,
-too friendless to roam around--"
-
-"Too idiotic to be useful--"
-
-"In time, she might be useful," Letitia asserted, though with doubt in
-her voice. "She is an innocent little thing and I feel sorry for her. I
-can't help it; I do. She is so helpless! She doesn't even know her
-surname. She calls herself Rachel, pure and simple. She is not sure how
-old she is. I hate to let her go, Archie."
-
-"You needn't mind it in the least," I said; "she can walk right out of
-this house and get any position she wants. She can call herself a
-first-class cook and people will be glad to get her. When she sees that
-there are no orphans attached to the ordinary kitchen, she will accustom
-herself to the idea. You need have no scruples, Letitia. It is the poor
-devils of men who deserve sympathy in New York. If a woman suffers, it
-is because she is lazy and worthless."
-
-"How hard-hearted you are!"
-
-"No, I'm not. Never will I give a cent in charity to any begging woman.
-It is the men who have a hard time in this city. They can have any help
-that I am able to give them. But to the women I say merely: Learn how to
-do housework. Take a lesson or two in cooking. Study the home, and you
-can get good, comfortable positions as long as you want them! Any woman,
-begging in the New York streets, while thousands of unfortunate people
-clamor to give them good wages, should be arrested as a useless
-encumbrance. Those are my sentiments."
-
-"I dare say you are right, Archie," said Letitia, evidently impressed by
-my fiery eloquence, which bubbled forth, almost unpunctuated. "It seems
-to me that most of these women would sooner roam the streets in rags,
-and herd together in tenement houses like cattle, than do the work for
-which they should be fitted. It is wonderful."
-
-"Not wonderful," I said, "but deplorable. It is the spirit of
-independence gone wrong--turned against itself--pushed in a painful
-direction, like an ingrowing toe-nail. A system of education that
-educates in the letter and not in the spirit, is responsible. The
-mistaken idea of universal equality is the root of the evil. Shakespeare
-was no better than the man who blacked his boots; Goethe no bit superior
-to the women who cooked his hash. Delicate truths like this are
-instilled into the minds of the people. Silly socialistic men and women
-who have no use for either the comforts or refinements of life, are the
-criminals. Idle people who want to turn epigrams find this a fertile
-theme. Why, Letitia, do you remember when we went to see _Candida_ the
-other night, we noticed that even a man like Bernard Shaw was not averse
-from making one of his characters inveigh against the crime of keeping
-servants? It was Morell, I think, who was indignant that the young
-poet's father kept so many servants. 'Anyhow, when there's anything
-coarse-grained to be done,' he said, 'you ring the bell, and throw it on
-to somebody else. That's one of the great facts in your existence.' A
-man like Shaw, who lives in refinement, with a delightful home,
-neat-handed servants, a charming wife, and all the rest of it, can not
-resist the opportunity to hammer at a scheme that he must know is
-absolutely necessary."
-
-"You will talk yourself hoarse, dear," said Letitia. "Of course, Archie,
-it is a showy theme. People who use it can always be sure of making a
-hit with the gallery. Teaching equality is delightful entertainment for
-those who could never possibly be equal--who are literally born unequal.
-Why, Archie, some people, through no fault of their own, are born
-idiots. How could they possibly be equal to those who were not so born?"
-
-"In the meantime," I continued, "those who are born idiots avenge
-themselves on society by going out as cooks. It is their little scheme
-for getting even with the world. This has given cooks a bad name. Nobody
-cares to be in the same class as the idiot."
-
-"I'm only sorry," murmured poor Letitia, "that I learned Latin instead
-of cooking."
-
-"But my girl," I said soothingly, "I did not intend to marry a cook, and
-I would not have you changed in one single particular."
-
-She kissed me. "Just the same," she went on, "I'm sorry. It is an art.
-There are the arts of Cooking, and Higher Cooking, and Scientific
-Cooking, that are gastronomies worthy of study. I realize that, now it
-is too late. Willingly would I substitute Brillat-Savarin for Ovid, if I
-only could! It is unfortunate."
-
-"My dear," I said, and I drew her to my knee to break the news as easily
-as possible, "we have come to the end of our tether. As the children say
-when they have finished playing, we must 'bosh up.' We must make the
-best of a bad job, and, living in New York, do as New Yorkers do. In
-fact, our housekeeping must end."
-
-"Oh, Archie!" she cried, her eyes filling with tears; "do you--do you
-really mean it?"
-
-I bowed my head. It was inevitable.
-
-
-
-
-CHAPTER XX
-
-
-Letitia sat on an empty barrel in the carpetless drawing-room; there was
-desolation in her heart, chaos in mine; the tragedy of finality in the
-atmosphere. Strange men in linen overalls, ponderous boots, and crackly
-voices, creaked around, blithely disrespectful and lugubriously
-light-hearted. They whistled. One was named Jim; a second, Sam; a third,
-Joe. They had no surnames and needed none. They had come to put our poor
-little hollow mockery of a home into the New York receiving vault of all
-domestic remains known as the "storage warehouse."
-
-Sometimes they sang, as their work of devastation proceeded. They were
-merry souls. Occasionally they suggested the flowing bowl as an
-incentive to higher effort. Every day they took the corpses of homes
-that had succumbed to the "storage warehouse," and their sentiment was
-dead. Homes died so quickly in New York; their hold upon life was so
-frail; their assertive powers so numbed; their prospects of longevity so
-pitifully small!
-
-If New York furniture could think, its reflections would busy
-themselves with that time of passive pension and surcease from dusting,
-in the storage warehouse! If tables and chairs could speak, what would
-they not say of a fate that nipped them in their very bud and shipped
-them off, in arrested development, to a long vacation?
-
-Letitia sat on the empty barrel, a veritable picture of woe. Her dress
-was bedraggled and her hair unkempt. She had a smut on the end of her
-nose and it did not worry her. It was one of those smuts that it was
-quite impossible to overlook--large, black, and deep, intimating that it
-would spread, if touched. Her eyes were fixed upon Jim, and Sam, and
-Joe. She saw them through the dust, darkly. "Patience on a monument,"
-could have taught my poor Letitia many useful things!
-
-"_If_ you please, mum," said Jim, pausing in a cheery rendition of
-_Laughing Water_ to confront Letitia; "I'll just start packing the china
-in that barrel, if you'll kindly get down. Sorry to disturb you, mum,
-but we'll try and get it done before we go to lunch."
-
-Lunch! Letitia shuddered, but she jumped from the barrel.
-Sympathetically, I appreciated her feelings. The word lunch sounded so
-dismally cruel. These men could eat horrid, stout, meat sandwiches and
-drink stupefying beer in the very midst of preparing us for the storage
-warehouse! This lunch seemed more of an outrage upon respectable
-sentiment than did the medical man's snack between the acts of a
-_post-mortem_ examination.
-
-Letitia was dry-eyed until they took up the tiger-head, over which we
-had fallen at so many merry, unexpected moments, and began to fold it
-up. Then she burst into tears and ran into the dining-room, where I
-followed her, slowly, and mournfully.
-
-"Don't, Letitia," I said, feeling ridiculously oppressed. "Why should we
-mind? New Yorkers don't think anything of all this. They rather like it.
-They look upon it as emancipation from care and worry. Don't cry, my
-girl. See, let me wipe that smut from your nose."
-
-"No, you s-shan't," she sobbed, warding me off. "If I ch-choose to be
-s-smutty, I--I w-will be s-smutty."
-
-I sat down and beat a nervous tattoo on the last table that had the last
-cloth upon it. The last cruet, containing the last vinegar, and the last
-mustard stood on this last table that had the last cloth upon it. I
-allowed Letitia to have her cry out. When she had finished and had dried
-her eyes, the smut had expanded to such an extent that portions of it
-were smeared upon her cheeks, chin, and lips. Under the circumstances,
-there was bathos amid the poor girl's pathos!
-
-"I can't realize it, Archie," she said funereally, when her equanimity
-was restored. "I can't grasp the fact that this is really the end, and
-that to-night--to-night, my poor boy--we shall be lodged in a family
-hotel, so-called, I suppose, because none of the guests have families
-and the proprietor wouldn't take them in if they had!"
-
-"I dare say, dear, we shall be very comfortable."
-
-"Parlor and bedroom elegantly furnished; bath; generous _cuisine_; fine
-music; view of Central Park and Hudson River! I have learned it all by
-heart. Nothing of it belongs to us, Archie. It is the sort of thing one
-looks at for two weeks in Paris, or Rome, or Berlin, but to regard it as
-permanent is too dreadful. And the starchy, artificial women strutting
-into the dining-room, wearing all the clothes they can get on to their
-backs, with their cheerless husbands in tow, eating the dinners that
-they haven't ordered and grumbling about them; then, trotting away from
-the dining-room, back to their silent rooms, there to wait until it is
-bedtime."
-
-"You can't possibly know, Letitia," I said, "as you've never lived in
-one of these places. You are morbid, and a bit unreasonable."
-
-"Oh, I've met people who _have_ lived in them," she retorted, "and who
-have liked it. They had nothing to worry about and nothing even to think
-about--except how to kill time. A friend of Mrs. Archer's told me that
-the favorite topic of conversation was the food. Was the meat of the
-best quality? Were the vegetables fresh or canned? Was the table as
-bountiful this season as last? Most of the people, it seems, grow tired
-of the food and go to other restaurants in despair."
-
-She paused, racking her brain for more torments and apparently taking a
-keen pleasure in torturing herself. Yet we both knew that it was
-inevitable. We had discussed the matter into shreds and argued it into
-tatters. Still, there was a sort of luxury in this grief.
-
-"I can see myself a year hence," she went on contemptuously, "going to
-flashy restaurants with you, and--perhaps, Archie, stealing spoons and
-forks, and bringing them home--I say 'home' but I mean 'family
-hotel'--as souvenirs. Mrs. Archer told me that all these women do that.
-I think it loathsome and detestable, now, but I dare say that I shall be
-exactly like the other women, as I am going to live in exactly the same
-way, for exactly the same reason."
-
-"You will never descend to that, my girl," I said solemnly.
-
-"How do you know?" she asked perversely. "I dare say we shall be so
-frantic for something to do that we shall look upon this kind of petty
-theft as sport--just as some people regard fishing. Of course, we shall.
-I imagine I shall feel proud of myself if I have successfully sneaked a
-sugar-bowl, and I can picture your joy at landing a silver soup-tureen!
-Oh, it will be exciting. We shall come to it; see if we don't."
-
-"Please--please don't talk in that way, Letitia. Yesterday you were
-quite resigned and even happy. I can't bear to see you in this mood. We
-both agreed that the family hotel was the only hope. We were driven to
-it--absolutely impelled to it. I think it is the packing that is
-upsetting you."
-
-"Sorry to trouble you," said Joe, poking his head in at the door; "we've
-finished the parlor, and are now going to start on this room. We've left
-two chairs in the parlor for you to sit on. Sorry to trouble you."
-
-Poor Letitia gave way again, as she saw our little "drawing-room"
-completely denuded. Nothing was left. Gone were the pictures, the
-ornaments, the tiger-head, the Indian cabinet, the what-nots and
-shelves, the footstools and plants. Barrels, crates, bits of wood,
-nails, old newspapers, straw, littered the room. It was the abomination
-of desolation.
-
-Letitia sat and wept on one chair. I took the other and closed my eyes
-in rueful meditation. Before my mental vision a procession of our
-destroyers passed mockingly. I saw Anna Carter, Mrs. Potzenheimer,
-Birdie Miriam McCaffrey, Gerda Lyberg, Olga Allallami, Madame Hyacinthe
-de Lyrolle, Leonie, Katie Smith, Rachel, and--could I ever forget that
-wistful, winsome face?--Priscilla Perfoozle. They seemed to glare at me
-revengefully, as though their aims had been accomplished, and their fell
-projects crowned with success. Then they formed a ring around me and
-danced in fiendish abandon. Each appeared to wear a badge on the left
-side of her bodice, just over the heart, and I could read the legend,
-"Death to the Home." The sight was ghastly. They grinned from ear to
-ear, in precisely the same way, and I was surprised to notice that their
-black dresses, heavily trimmed with crape, were precisely alike, as
-though they were all members of some devilish sisterhood. I believe I
-tried to open my eyes; my heart was beating wildly; I could feel the
-perspiration streaming from my face; I heard myself groan.
-
-"Archie!" cried Letitia, at my side. "What _is_ the matter? My poor boy,
-you have been asleep, and you must have been dreaming--at this time of
-day, too! Oh, you poor thing, you feel it all even more than I do. How
-selfish I am, after all--thinking only of myself. It is wicked of me and
-ungrateful. After all, what does anything really matter, as long as we
-have each other--you and I--and our health and our strength, and"--with
-a smile--"the price."
-
-Her words fell sweetly upon my ear. It was good to know that I had been
-nightmaring in the daytime, and that the fiendish sisterhood was
-intangible.
-
-"Cheer up, Archie," she went on, "we were both silly, gloomy things, and
-there is no reason why we should feel so oppressed, is there? As you
-say, it is this packing that has upset us. Packing is a horrid
-institution, anyway, even when one is going away for pleasure. I always
-feel sorry to leave any place, even if I hate it; don't you, Archie? I
-guess that we are both alike, and that we weren't built for such an
-unsentimental place as New York City."
-
-"We've nearly finished the dining-room," said Sam, looking in upon us
-suddenly, "and we'd like to bring a few of the things in here, if you
-wouldn't mind stepping into the bedroom! Sorry to trouble you, mum!"
-
-In a less remorseful frame of mind, we were driven to our little
-bedroom, as yet untouched. Letitia made a brave effort to remain calm. I
-could see that she was biting her lip, and I appreciated her
-determination so thoroughly that I made up my mind to do all I could to
-steer clear of further pathos. We sat on the bed.
-
-"I read this morning, Letitia," I said hurriedly, "that a bill has been
-introduced into the Assembly for the protection of homes from the unfit
-servants that are supplied by intelligence offices. It is asserted that
-women who should not be permitted to come in contact with the family
-circle are sent out. Strong arguments were made, and--"
-
-Letitia smiled in spite of herself. "It is amusing," she said. "Why
-bother about abolishing bad servants when there are no others? It is
-wonderful how people can interest themselves in that side of the case,
-when it is the other that is responsible for all our troubles. However,
-I suppose they need their little pastimes, even in Albany, and the
-uninitiated might think, when they read about it, that a bill to
-abolish bad servants would help you to get good ones, which is, of
-course, idiotic, as there are none."
-
-"Of course you are right, dear," I said, glad to see that I had roused
-her.
-
-"Anyway," she continued, "most people don't want homes and have
-forgotten what they are like, so that there is no need to feel too
-regretful. Unfortunately, the real nuisance is that when we're old and
-have grandchildren, we shall never be able to treat them in the good old
-way. Grandpa and grandma will be in furnished rooms and the old
-homestead will exist no more! Perhaps, after all, the home is just a
-relic of barbarism. Even grandchildren, however, are going out of
-fashion. New York women are too young to have them, and they have lost
-the art of growing old. Fancy a New York grandmother in a cap, knitting,
-with her grandchildren at her knee! No, Archie. She prefers yellow hair,
-a blush (supplied from a nineteen-cent box) upon her cheek, and a
-pneumatic figure pumped up around her poor old bones, to the ancient
-poetic notion."
-
-"It is the spirit of progress."
-
-"Yes, dear, it must be. Grandma is a giddy young thing and not a bit
-disturbed when grandpa is gathered unto his fathers. When that happens,
-she very often marries a pretty little college lad, who was in long
-dresses when her first grandchild was born. And she takes him to live
-with her in the family hotel and provides for him generously. And when
-she really can't live any longer--she would if she could--she dies and
-leaves him her cash. Dear strenuous young-old thing! One can't help
-admiring this wonderful tenacity."
-
-"You and I are horridly old-fashioned, Letitia."
-
-"And we _must_ reform," she declared emphatically. "It can't go on any
-longer. To us, New York seems funny, doesn't it? And the complicated
-relationships are so peculiar. An old woman (I beg her pardon, I mean a
-woman who, years ago, would have been old) and her daughter, think
-nothing of marrying brothers, and becoming all sorts of impossible
-relations to each other. Even that most hackneyed of all comic
-institutions, the mother-in-law, is a light and airy creature in this
-country, and has no rooted objection to being sued by her own daughter
-for alienating the affections of her own son-in-law."
-
-Letitia's exaggerations made me laugh. But it did her good to think them
-up and I made no protests. I was glad to see that she was herself again,
-and that the nerve-racking noise of the packing no longer disturbed her
-as acutely as it had done.
-
-"These family hotels simplify things, of course," she said. "They do
-away with all fuss and feathers. A man takes an elegantly furnished
-suite, and just asks in a wife! An old lady engages a handsome apartment
-and fishes up a husband to live in it with her. The _ménage_ starts
-immediately. No furnishers, and decorators, and upholsterers, and
-servants are necessary. Monsieur and Madame are at home instantly. In
-the old days, the establishment of a home meant everything. Now it is
-established almost as easily as it is broken up."
-
-"We're ready for the bedroom, now"--Joe appeared again--"and if you
-wouldn't mind stepping into the kitchen! Sorry to disturb you, mum!"
-
-There was nothing pathetic about the kitchen. The sight of the kitchen
-certainly awakened no regrets. The things were all packed, but we gazed
-stolidly around us, at the place that had made home-life impossible.
-
-"The poor still have their homes, Letitia," I said, "and the working
-people have not yet experienced all the signs of the times that you
-mention."
-
-"They will come to it," she declared--and I couldn't help smiling at her
-earnestness; "they are just waiting. Perhaps next century there will be
-no work-people. The trades-unions are doing their best. You wonder how
-I know all these things, Archie. Yes, you do; I can see it in your face.
-Well, I'll tell you. For the last month I have been reading nothing but
-these subjects. I haven't touched Ovid or Cicero. I don't believe I ever
-shall again. I am so fearfully interested in a condition of society that
-votes all labor a nuisance and consigns the 'sweat of the brow' to the
-luxury of the Turkish bath."
-
-"To think that cook has led us to this!" I murmured.
-
-"Cook is the all-pervading evil, Archie. She is the outward
-manifestation of this spirit of unrest. Mrs. Potzenheimer is but a type;
-Birdie Miriam McCaffrey is merely symbolic; Madame Hyacinthe de Lyrolle
-is simply--"
-
-"Unfit for publication, my dear," I interposed, and we both smiled. The
-rays of a gentle optimism were beginning to soothe us, as we realized
-our own non-responsibility in the matter of Fate, personified by Cook!
-At any rate, she had left us together. She had been powerless to
-separate us.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-It was over. We stood in the street and watched the last relics of our
-little home, as they were placed in the storage-house wagons. They stood
-on the pavement for rude little boys to stare at, awaiting the helping
-hands of Jim, and Sam, and Joe. The Indian cabinet seemed to blink in
-the sun, as it rested on the sidewalk, preparatory to its journey.
-
-"Poor thing!" said Letitia, with a little gulp, as it was finally
-hoisted into the wagon. "It was only meant to be ornamental. It tried
-hard. It did its best. It stood by us, Archie, as long as it could. I
-hate to think of it, locked up in seclusion, with nobody to look at it."
-
-"There's our bureau!" I interrupted, as the pretty bit of furniture that
-had been honored by the encumbrance of Letitia's dainty toilet silver
-made its appearance out of doors, in the stark daylight. "I never
-realized until now what a beauty it was. How they bang it about! They
-have no respect for furniture. Here, you Jim"--to the son of toil--"try
-and be careful. Honestly, Letitia, these household goods of ours seem to
-be reproaching us."
-
-"Dear old inanimates!" she cried. "I dare say they know that we couldn't
-help it, that we were the victims of--Cook. Oh, Archie, there's the
-tiger-head, tied up, but still quite recognizable."
-
-The head had escaped from the restraining cords. It was salient, and
-impressive. The mouth of the tiger was open, in a snarl, and the glass
-eyes shone. Jim placed it on a chest of drawers, for which he was
-making a corner in the wagon. Letitia approached it in a sort of
-surreptitious manner, and patted the head. Then the foolish girl leaned
-forward and deliberately kissed the soft, smooth fur. Two little boys
-grinned derisively, and seemed to congratulate themselves upon their
-excellent position for a free show.
-
-The cab that was to take us to our family hotel stood at the door, and
-the trunks, containing our wearing-apparel, were laboriously placed upon
-it by the men. It was ready for us, but we could not tear ourselves away
-from the uncanny fascination of the wagons. Letitia held my arm, and we
-watched each fragment of our broken home, as it was lifted from our view
-into the recesses of the greedy vehicle.
-
-"Perhaps," I said, with a suspicious tremor in my voice, "we shall see
-them again before very long. They are still ours, Letitia. I--I--shall
-pay for their board every month; it--it will be a pleasure to do so. You
-know, my girl, we can--we can call them back at any moment."
-
-A large tear was trickling down Letitia's cheek, as she saw the men take
-their places on the wagons and realized that this--this was, indeed, the
-very end.
-
-"No, Archie," she said, "we shall never call them back. We shall never
-dare to do it. And, in the years to come, our experiences with these
-dear old things--that, later on, we shall sell--will sound like some
-absurd and far-fetched story that a new generation will never credit.
-The question that has broken us will be solved only in the way in which
-we are trying to solve it. There is, and there will be, no other
-solution."
-
-Jim smacked a whip; a huge "home"-laden wagon groaned and labored for a
-moment; then it slowly and reluctantly moved away. We watched it until
-it reached the corner and turned from our sight. The tears were
-streaming down Letitia's face, and I must confess that I bit my mustache
-so ferociously that I left ragged ends.
-
-"Come, my girl," I said in a low voice, as I opened the door of the cab.
-She got in, and I followed. We leaned back, heavy, silent, and with a
-mortal sorrow in our hearts. Then--then--
-
-We were driven swiftly away to a new condition of things, in which the
-cooks shall cease from troubling, and we shall be at rest.
-
-THE END
-
-
-
-
-
-End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Wanted: A Cook, by Alan Dale
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