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diff --git a/43755-0.txt b/43755-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7eeea2a --- /dev/null +++ b/43755-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1165 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43755 *** + + Transcriber's Note: + + Every effort has been made to replicate this text as faithfully as + possible, including inconsistent hyphenation. Some changes have been + made. They are listed at the end of the text. + + Italic text has been marked with _underscores_. + Bold text has been marked with =equals signs=. + OE ligatures have been expanded. + + + + + BASHFULNESS CURED: + + Ease and Elegance of Manner + GAINED. + + [Illustration] + + "Manners Make the Man." + + SETH CONLY, PUBLISHER, + + NO. 524 SIXTH AVENUE, N. Y. + + + + + BASHFULNESS CURED: + + EASE AND ELEGANCE OF MANNER + QUICKLY GAINED. + + NEW YORK: + SETH CONLY, PUBLISHER, + NO. 524 SIXTH AVENUE. + 1872. + + + + + Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1872, by + SETH CONLY. + In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, Washington, D. C. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + PAGE. + + Bashfulness--Diffidence--Definition 5 + + Natural Diffidence 7 + + Causes and Cure of Natural Diffidence 20 + + Bashfulness from lack of Education.--How to Overcome it 23 + + Bashfulness from Ignorance of the Ways of Society.--The Cure 31 + + Bashfulness from Ill-Dress.--The Cure 36 + + Bashfulness Caused by Ill-Health.--To Remove 42 + + How to acquire Elegance and Fluency of Expression--Ease and + Polish of Manner--a Graceful, Pleasing and Dignified + Bearing--a Handsome Well-developed Chest--a Deep, Rich + Voice. How to Dress Cheaply and Elegantly--How to be + Attractive by certain attentions to Personal Habits. To + the Debilitated: what to use to become Strong (new). + How to Please greatly by delicate Flattery of Eye and + Manner. A Secret of being Popular with the Ladies. How to + easily Train, Brighten, and Sharpen the Intellect. To be + Well-informed and Well-cultivated 9-48 + + + + +BASHFULNESS--DIFFIDENCE. + + +DEFINITION. + +We do not see why SIDNEY should have termed _diffidence_ "rustic +shame." Very many nice and proper persons who live in rural parts, and +who are exceedingly bashful, are far from being shame-faced. "Excessive +or extreme modesty," Webster defines bashfulness, and this is the +better definition, though not literally correct, as many who are rough, +impudent and vulgar in the privacy of their own homes, are wretchedly +bashful when in company of strangers, or those whom they consider their +superiors. + +No emotion is more painful than bashfulness. Without feeling guilty, +its subject feels crushed. Says one, "I am troubled with a painful +sense of timidity and bashfulness in the presence of company on being +spoken to, especially at the table; and no matter whether the person +be my equal or my inferior, I blush from the cravat to the hair, and +the very consciousness that I am blushing, and that my embarrassment is +discovered, tends to deepen the blush and heighten the embarrassment. +Now, I have a good personal appearance; I have a good education; I +occupy a good position in society; I have been trusted by my friends +with official position, and feel myself competent to fill it, and +when I sit down to meditate I feel no cause for embarrassment or +bashfulness; I can converse for hours with persons of culture and +superior ability, and feel no cause of shame at the part I am enabled +to act; still, if then spoken to suddenly or abruptly, this terrible +diffidence comes upon me like a spell, and makes me stammer; my +head seems splitting with excitement; my face turns red; my heart +palpitates, and I am no longer, for the moment, myself. Now all this is +very distressing." Yes, this is distressing, as very many can testify +from disagreeable experience. + +There are many influences that may directly and indirectly be mentioned +as being the + + +CAUSES OF BASHFULNESS. + +Among them is a certain peculiarity of constitution known as "_natural +diffidence_;" then, _bashfulness from ignorance of the ways of +society; lack of education; ill-dress; ill-health; nervousness_. + + + + +NATURAL DIFFIDENCE. + + +Many persons are constitutionally timid and diffident. They were +bashful in childhood, bashful at school, bashful in society, always +bashful. In business they are not generally your pushing, go-ahead +operators. They shrink from contact with the bustling crowds. They +prefer, and will usually be found doing quiet brain work in dim back +offices. + +Bashful young ladies, to the rightly constituted masculine mind, are +rather attractive than otherwise. The timid, retiring manner; the +modest, downcast look; the soft blushes--all are particularly engaging, +especially to those who have been long in society, and accustomed to +the cool self-possession and calm assurance of fashionable ladies. + +The genuine diffident girl is not the product of cities. She is not +found in the crash of town life, but in the seclusion of quiet country +towns. + +There is no class of girls in the world so easy to get along with after +they get acquainted with you, as bashful ones. And the courting them +is an easy and delightful affair; they are so loving and confiding; +no reserve, no distrust, no coquetting; but frank, open-hearted and +generous. Even if you are unsuccessful in your suit they never mortify +you in their refusal. It is generally given in so frank and candid a +manner as to command your admiration. + +[Illustration] + +NATURAL DIFFIDENCE is the result, as already stated, of certain +peculiarities of constitution. There is a want of confidence in one's +self--a shrinking dread of intercourse with strangers, especially +those of the opposite sex, and he, or she, can give no reason for this +diffident feeling. He may be well educated; of attractive personal +appearance, of good conversational abilities, and well dressed, yet +from that strange feeling of natural bashfulness, so well known, yet +difficult to describe, he is a timid, shrinking creature, subject to +trials of which a self-reliant man has no conception. He blushes and +becomes confused if suddenly addressed. His heart beats painfully +at the idea of entering a well-lighted room filled with ladies and +gentlemen. And this feeling is the result, in a great measure, of +his small _self-esteem_. Your truly diffident person is of extremely +sensitive, retiring disposition, and while he is apt to accord to +others superiorities they do not possess, he entertains for his own +abilities, personal and mental qualities, the most humble opinion. And +thus he does himself great injustice and injury. He does not attain +that position in society nor that success in professional or business +life that he would were he not shackled by his foolish timidity--his +deference to others. + +A bold, self-confident man, with a mere fraction of a bashful man's +ability and attainments, will invariably distance him in the affairs of +life. "BRASS" always tells. The world don't stop to analyze a man for +his real merit. It takes him at his own valuation, and if a man puts a +low estimate upon himself and goes through life with a hanging head +and blushing face, he has small success, and less pity. The good things +of this world--the successes in love, in business, in politics, &c., +are invariably won by those who have a good opinion of themselves; who +have faith in their special talents and abilities, and who push ahead +in accordance with this faith. + +There never was a truer saying than that faint heart never won fair +lady. While women have a genuine admiration for the truly modest and +pure-minded men, they have a genuine contempt for your chicken-hearted, +bashful, tongue-tied fellows. + +Although a good many screeching females in these Women's Rights, +Advanced Female days can not lay special claims to any superfluous +amount of modesty, still the softer sex have not yet lost those +endearing qualities of gentleness, modesty, and loving trustfulness +in the opposite sex. Since that time when Eve cast her first loving +glances towards robust Adam, women's love and admiration have gone out +to bold and gallant men. As she is timid and weak, so the more does +she admire the qualities of strength and courage. Man is her natural +protector, and she looks up to him and clings to him in love and +confidence. + +Women are pre-eminently romantic in all that concerns love. Her +heroes are those who do brave and perilous deeds; who scorn ease and +effeminacy, and who laugh at danger--captains who go down to the sea +in ships and sail away over the mysterious ocean to strange, far-away +lands--men who with shut jaws, gleaming eyes, and fixed bayonets go +digging over fort walls, from which come unceasing flashes of fire and +a pitiless rain of death. + +(How the officers and men who came home from The War were honored, and +almost caressed, especially by the ladies; and what a host of marriages +took place among the gallant fellows!) + +It has been truly said that no woman really loves who has not +discovered some traits in her lover's character that she considers +noble and heroic. It is a glory for a woman to be able to be proud of +her lover or husband--of his superior intellect, his dignity and strong +manhood and loving care and tenderness, and it is proverbial how a true +woman overlooks and endeavors to conceal the faults and weaknesses of +her husband. He was her hero at marriage, and though the illusion may +have passed, she still bravely tries to maintain it. + +It often happens that a bright, superior girl marries a quiet, bashful +fellow, in whom her friends do not see anything worth marrying for. But +it is certain the girl has discovered under all the young man's reserve +and diffidence, superior traits of character that have secured her +attention and love. + +This may be illustrated by an incident in which the actors are +personally known to the writer. + +Frank W---- was a young man of more than common intelligence and +strength of character, but he was so obstinately bashful and retiring +that his real worth was entirely unappreciated by his acquaintances. +He rarely ventured out to parties, &c., and when he did, was entirely +eclipsed by all the ready-tongued young men in the room. Now this +Frank W---- was irretrievably in love with the most charming young +lady in town, Miss Louisa L----, who understood and appreciated W----, +and often gave his society marked preference, to the surprise and +disgust of the before-mentioned ready-tongued fellows, yet was careful +to give no indication by which W---- could hope he had secured her +affections. Thus matters went on a couple of years, and W---- was +almost in despair, though he had really made more progress than he +had imagined. But an accident occurred that brought matters to an +agreeable termination. They were out for a ride, with a spirited horse +one autumn afternoon, and in going down a steep hill a rein broke, and +the animal dashed forward at a tremendous pace. W---- turned quietly +towards Miss L----, and giving her an assuring look, placed a foot +on the dasher-board, and with a leap placed himself fairly astride +the animal. Leaning forward and seizing the beast by the nostrils he +twisted her head suddenly to one side, and brought the whole affair to +a stand-still within half-a-dozen rods. Soothing the excited horse by a +little gentle stroking, W---- united the rein, and then coolly drove on +as if nothing had happened. + +"I then and there decided to marry him," said Miss L----, relating the +incident. "I concluded that one who could perform such a daring and +dangerous act, and regard it with quiet indifference, was a true and +noble man, and one whom I could implicitly trust." And she was right, +for a woman never secured a better or more faithful husband. + +A bashful young man who had the appearance of no great amount of +spirit, complained to his father of his want of success in winning the +esteem of a certain proud young lady. "You can swim, Sam?" "Yes, sir." +"Well, the next time you go sailing with that girl, manage to dip her +into the stream, without letting her suspect you; then rescue her like +a man. Or do anything else that will show that you have some life and +pluck, and you'll find she has an improved opinion of you directly." + +And the pith of wisdom is in this bit of paternal advice. + +[Illustration: NOT BASHFUL.] + +Rather than be a bashful, blushing, stuttering booby, it would be much +better for a young man to be over-confident and bold. With the latter +qualities his chances of success in any direction in life, would be +infinitely better. And it is the stout, true heart that finds favor +with the ladies. Women love to be sought, and have attention paid them. +It is their nature to be timid, trustful and confiding. They love to +rely upon and feel the support of manly strength. Now a timid, bashful +fellow does not possess those qualities that women most admire, and to +possess them should be a bashful person's foremost ambition. + +The boy who hangs his head and sucks his thumb when spoken to by a +stranger, and who is generally to be found moping behind the kitchen +fire, looking at a picture book, is not the mother's favorite. The +saucy little chap who sticks his fists into his breeches pocket, and +don't see anything in strangers to fear; who rides the colts bare-back; +who don't like the girls because they can't climb after bird's eggs; +who sails about the pond on a six foot plank; and is the leader in all +kinds of boyish mischief;--this is the brave and fearless boy that +fills his mother's heart with secret pride and joy. "The spunky little +cuss," though coarse and jarring, is far more pleasant to the mother's +ear than "Poor child, he is so sensitive and bashful." + +And again we repeat, women do not admire bashful men. While they may +pity, a woman secretly despises a man who is really or appears to be +_afraid of women_. A diffident fellow never was nor never will be +a favorite with the ladies. It is your easy-going, self-possessed, +talking chaps who are the popular ones. This is illustrated in any +assemblage of both sexes. Take a party, for instance, early in the +evening when matters are a little frigid. The ladies are inclined +to congregate in groups by themselves, with shy glances towards the +gentlemen, whose inclinations seem to be that of making wall-ornaments +of themselves. Presently there will enter the room a fellow who is not +quite certain if he understands what the word "bashfulness" means. He +goes up to a group of ladies, smiles and bows to all, shakes hands with +some, and is in felicity right away, to the envy and admiration of the +wall-ornament chaps. + +While young ladies are timid and retiring, they dislike the exhibition +of these qualities by men. This cannot be better illustrated than by +noticing how a young man from the city, with his easy manners, his +self-assurance, and ready ways, will go into a country village and +"cut out" the fellows right and left, making himself a favorite with +the girls in an amazing short time. And this fellow may be only +a shallow-brained fop from some city dry goods store, where he is +engaged measuring out ribbons from 8 A. M. till 6 P. M. His education +is not worth speaking of; he smokes; he gets drunk making New Year's +calls; he don't go to church; his moral character will not bear severe +inspection, and yet this fellow goes to the country, and even the +sensible girls rather admire him, and are well pleased to see him +coming up the walk for an evening's visit. The best of the country +beaux have received a good education at the academy; they are clear +in head and sound in body, they are able to marry, owning their own +business, or soon to do so, and yet the company of a pop-in-jay chap +from the city is openly preferred to that of these substantial and +worthy country young men. And they do not understand it, though it is +plain enough. The city fellow brings with him an air of the great world +outside this country village. For years he has read the morning paper +as regularly as he has taken his breakfast, therefore he is informed +of all the events of the day. He can tell you the present mental +condition of Queen Victoria, what the latest news is from Mormondom, +or how Prince Jim Jund is progressing with his railroad enterprise +in Africa. He can discuss politics with the father, talk with mother +concerning the last General Religious Convention, and with the young +ladies fairly effervesces with small talk. And here he has at immense +advantage the country young men, whose current literature probably +consists of the Weekly County paper, fearfully dry and dull, a city +story, or Agricultural paper, and Ayre's last Almanac. With these only +for his mental food, how can a young man make himself entertaining and +agreeable with chatty talk on the light topics of the day? + +[Illustration] + +The city chap is brim full of pleasant gossip. He don't sit +cross-legged, twisting his hat and talking tedious farm-talk to the +"old man," while he is dying to be visiting with the women-folks. + +He has long been in contact with people--the world--and constant +friction has rubbed out any awkwardness he may have possessed years +ago. There is an agreeable ease and freedom in his manner, as there +is in that of all genuine city people, and it could not well be +otherwise. In his capacity of salesman in a large city retail store, +he has come in contact with all classes of ladies. He don't blush now +when addressed by one of them. The sight of bright eyes and pretty +ankles does not throw him into a state of flutteration, as it does +our country friend. He isn't afraid of the women much--not much. He +does not class them with the angel species, to converse with whom +requires great courage and moral force. He has learned by considerable +unpleasant experience that a great many of the gentler sex have brisk +little tempers, and some spiteful, harassing ways, and tongues that +can say sharp things:--in fact, who are very much mortal, and so, not +considering them either doves or angels, he experiences no trepidation +in their society whatever. + +Again, our city fellow, rusticating in the country, and having it very +much his own way with the damsels, is _well dressed_. His clothes are +probably not of expensive material, but they are of excellent fit, and +gives his person a stylish, genteel appearance. + +That a person well dressed receives respect and attention that would +not possibly be shown him were he poorly or slovenly clothed is a fact +so familiar to all that it would be absurd to discuss it. + +The matter of Dress is of so much importance as concerns the feeling of +_Bashfulness_, that we shall consider it fully in another chapter. + + + + +THE CURE OF NATURAL BASHFULNESS + + +Consists:--1. _In cultivating_ SELF-ESTEEM,--_in exalting your own +opinion of yourself_. BEING PROUD. + +2. _Going into company;--associating with miscellaneous people._ + +1. Who ever knew a really proud person to be bashful and diffident? +What is pride? Is it not self-esteem; self-appreciation and valuation; +self-respect and reliance; nobleness, independence and dignity? + +A proud-spirited person excites in us something of that feeling of +respect and admiration we have for a spirited, mettlesome horse. + +But to possess true spirit and personal pride, we must possess points +of real or imagined merit; of education, accomplishments, personal +beauty, or mental, or physical superiority. How can a person of scanty +information--ignorant of the world and its doings, carry a proud +bearing with a high and noble spirit? + + +"How proud and stuck up them Brown girls are since they got home from +Boston," whispers Mrs. Smith to a neighbor, as the "Brown girls" sail +into church, dressed in city style, and with something of "city airs." +They have brought home with them the same warm, generous hearts--but +they are proud. Have they not some reason for being so? For two years +they have been in Madame C.'s fashionable city boarding-school, and in +this time they have learned several things outside their school books. +Their rustic ways quickly disappeared, and they soon acquired quiet +dignity of manners, and that perfect self-control we all admire. It was +taught them also that the face is not the proper place for exhibiting +our emotions and feelings, so often to our disadvantage; and also that +the "sweet, low voice" that men love so well, is much more effective +than the loud, harsh tones of so many rustic maidens. + +[Illustration] + +They were also trained to receive introductions from gentlemen without +simpering and blushing, and also that it was possible for a gentleman +to call upon them several times, and even invite them to a concert, and +still have no intentions of "proposing." + +And so the Brown girls go home with their varied accomplishments, and +are "proud." But it is a personal pride to be approved of, and which +all who are bashful and backward should strive to acquire. + + +Are you ambitious? Do you aspire to better things? If you consider +yourself a nobody, do you care to be somebody? Do you care to be +considered an intelligent, interesting capable person? Then analyze +yourself; take yourself to pieces, and see what there is really of +you. We take it for granted, of course, that you are a person of +ordinary common sense. Has your school education been neglected? then +you must rectify this by a selected course of reading; for the first +and most important step towards removing a feeling of bashfulness and +inferiority, is to become well informed on general topics. We maintain +that it is absurd for any intelligent person to feel awkward and +bashful who is well-informed and neatly dressed. + +To make up for deficiencies of education, any person determined can +go through a special course of reading in a comparatively short time, +that will make him or her a well informed person. The books we would +particularly recommend, are:--A concise Modern History; a small +Ancient History; Natural Philosophy (Comstock's High School, or any +other good, well illustrated work); Youman's New Chemistry, which +you will find very interesting and highly instructive; Quackenbos' +Composition and Rhetoric. If you read carefully Kame's Elements of +Criticism you would be richly repaid in the pleasure derived, and in +the gain of a rich store of valuable information. Any person who would +be pre-eminently quick-witted must not fail to read Shakespeare--at +least the principal plays. Shakespeare's knowledge of the world--of +the secret springs of human action--of _human nature_--was something +wonderful. No human being has yet equalled him in this respect. But +you cannot read his plays as you can a newspaper. They must be slowly +read and digested like a rare dinner. The Bible perhaps excepted, no +book has yet been printed that contains so great an amount of profound +worldly wisdom as the works of Shakespeare. Nothing will so quickly +sharpen and polish a dull and untrained intellect. + +Now here are enumerated less than a dozen books, within the reach of +any one capable of earning his clothes, and which, if read at least +twice, carefully, will make a person feel that he really knows +something--had really entered the great temple of knowledge. + +Of course, one should not be confined to the above. The extent of one's +intelligence and information will depend upon the extent of his reading +and thinking; but the above-mentioned books, thoroughly read, will +educate and elevate more than the perusal of an entire library read +hastily and thoughtlessly. + +The wide range of information gained by the regular perusal of a good +city daily newspaper, and a first class monthly magazine is of too +great value to be over-estimated. If you cannot afford a daily paper, +you certainly can a semi-weekly, a large one, like the Semi-Weekly +Tribune, for instance. Of the magazines, _Harper's_ or _Scribner's_ +will bring you treasures of interesting knowledge in the most +attractive form. + +We will now suppose that you are well informed of the news and topics +of the day, etc., and that you have no cause to feel diffident and +reserved from a general lack of information. "But my self-esteem is +small, I have a poor opinion of myself." Well, change that opinion! Be +proud; resolve to walk like a MAN and a gentleman--not like an uncouth +boy. Hold up your head, and throw back your shoulders. If you want a +magnificent chest, and a deep, sonorous voice; practice ten minutes, +night and morning, filling the lungs as full as possible through a +small tube, three inches long, and with a hole the size of a quill; +allow the breath to pass out slowly through the tube. To insure an easy +and graceful carriage, practice walking in your room with a small bag +filled with grain poised on your head. Consider yourself as good as +other people, _and a little better_. Train yourself to act always in a +quiet and dignified manner--not with vulgar "stiffness," but with that +ease and moderation of action, easily acquired, and which always shows +the well-bred person. _Act_ the gentleman or lady, and you will be one. +Nothing so indicates ill-breeding as a nervous, fidgetty, restless +manner. The real lady or gentleman will be composed and undisturbed +under every trying circumstance. They have taught themselves +_self-control_, and this is readily learned by those with inclination +and determination to learn. + +2. _Go into Society._--To learn to swim you must go into the water. To +overcome the feeling of bashfulness, and to be at ease in company, +you must go into company. On no account should you neglect this duty +which you owe to yourself. Take every opportunity to attend balls, +picnics, parties, sociables, etc., and always rank yourself as one of +the most desirable and popular young men of the occasion, and you will +undoubtedly be so. Remember the fact that others will estimate you as +you estimate yourself. And here we again repeat, _Do not be, or act, +afraid of the girls_. They won't hurt you. Walk boldly up and make +yourself agreeable. They will meet you half way. If at any time you +feel a little fluttering of the heart, don't subside into a corner with +the say-nothings and do-nothings, but "circulate around," and you will +be surprised how easily you will find yourself at home and at ease, +chatting with some nice people. + +[Illustration] + +For removing Bashfulness, awkwardness, and all manner of similar +disagreeable things, there could not possibly be a better place than +the dancing-school. Young men who live away from villages, and who have +but few, or no desirable associates outside the family circle, and who +are distressingly awkward in speech and manner, if they can have a few +terms at a dancing-school, will be so improved in address, manners, and +general appearance as to surprise all who know them. We are acquainted +with a person, now an old man, large, heavy, clumsy, who weighed one +hundred and eighty pounds the day he was sixteen, and was six feet and +an inch high. He was so awkward, to use his own statement, that he +could hardly get into a room where there was company without hitting +both sides of the door, and could scarcely sit down without knocking +over his chair, knowing not what to do with his feet, his hands, nor +himself. He chanced to have an opportunity to attend a dancing-school +for three months--they were very uncommon in the locality where +he resided--and he was there trained in the common civilities and +courtesies of society; how to enter and leave a room, how to receive +introductions, how to receive and dismiss company, etc. Though he is a +farmer, not much used to society, there is to-day an easy, quiet grace, +and a polish of manners that would pass anywhere acceptably; and he +attributes it to the brief tuition in a dancing-school. While he may +not remember much that he learned as a dancer, he remembers all that he +learned that is necessary for performing the common courtesies of the +parlor. So attend all the dances possible, and under all circumstances +remember that you are a MAN and a GENTLEMAN. + +Many often hesitate and become diffident from a lack of readiness +in expressing their ideas, and from a fear that they do not speak +correctly and elegantly. Now speaking grammatically is a mere matter +of education. If lacking in this respect, the use of any good grammar, +and particularly "COMPOSITION AND RHETORIC," already mentioned, with +"LIVE AND LEARN;" or "1000 MISTAKES CORRECTED," will be all you require +in this direction. "ONE THOUSAND MISTAKES CORRECTED," is better than +half-a-dozen living teachers. + +To express one's self with fluency in conversation is an art that +can be acquired by a little practice, in adopting the method of the +great orator Clay, in gaining quick readiness in speech. "I owe my +success in life," said he, "chiefly to one circumstance--that at the +age of twenty-seven I commenced, and continued for years the practice +of daily reading and speaking upon the contents of some historical +or scientific book. These off-hand efforts were made sometimes in +a cornfield, at others in the forest, and not unfrequently in some +distant barn, with the horse and the ox for my auditors. It is to +this early practice of the art of all arts, that I am indebted for my +subsequent destiny." + +Reading aloud from some book, enunciating every word clearly and +distinctly, with a dictionary at hand to settle instantly in your own +mind any question as to the proper pronunciation of particular words, +is a practice so abundantly fruitful of good results, that those who +will practise it even for a short time, will scarcely be induced to +relinquish it. In reading, cultivate the purely conversational tone. It +is as easy to read as it is to talk, yet there are few good readers. +The tone of voice, modulation, accent, etc., should be precisely as if +you were in conversation, not as if you were preaching in a drawling, +monotonous way. Read well and you will converse well, and both are +superior accomplishments, acquired with facility; though the orator +who pours forth his thoughts with such apparent ease, achieves his +wonderful power only by means of patient labor, after much repetition, +and, like Disraeli, often after bitter disappointments. + +So take courage, young men, and if you have a difficulty to overcome, +grapple with it at once; facility will come with practice, and strength +and success with repeated effort. And always recollect, that the mind +and character may be trained to almost perfect discipline, enabling it +to move with a grace, spirit and freedom almost incomprehensible to +those who have not subjected themselves to a similar training. + +Take a raw recruit; he stoops, he walks in a shuffling, slouchy manner; +he is painfully awkward. A few weeks under the Drill-Sergeant, and he +walks forth erect, dignified, with the true soldierly bearing. Life +seems but for the purpose of mere drilling. In one form or another we +cannot escape it; neither should we desire to do so. + + + + +BASHFULNESS FROM IGNORANCE OF THE WAYS OF SOCIETY. + + +It is certainly very embarrassing and conducive of bashfulness to be +thrust into a glittering room filled with people superior to one's +self in position, and equally cultured in the knowledge of what is +due to the place and occasion. A sensitive, uncultured man or maiden, +with rustic garb and rustic speech, and little knowledge respecting +correct manners, introduced at once to the presence of cultured ladies +and gentlemen, does not know what to do with hands nor feet; whether to +sit or to stand, or to hide. Is it to be wondered at that such a person +acts and feels cheap and diminutive? + +But, diffident reader, do not be discouraged, for general good breeding +is very easy of attainment. You must possess simply _common sense_, +_self-possession_, and a _habit of observation_. + +The exercise of a good common sense will show you plainly enough what +is right and wrong--what is proper and improper. Self-possession will +prevent from doing awkward and bungling things; and by observation you +will soon learn the manners of the well-bred. + +"But I won't know how to act, mother," said a lad as he was about +starting to his first party. "Keep your eyes open, and just do as the +others do," was the answer, and better advice could not have been given. + +Quiet self-possession will enable a person quite unacquainted with +the usages of society to conduct himself very acceptably even in the +most superior company. It is the foolish feeling of timidity that +causes the trepidation and bashfulness, and consequent uneasy manners +when in company, with the class of persons for whose benefit this book +was written. _Why_ should you be timid and backward, and show by your +hesitating ways that you do not feel at ease? You surely can notice how +those about you conduct themselves, and conduct yourself accordingly. +Why should you not enter a room filled with company like any other +well-bred person, in an easy, unconcerned manner, and addressing +those about you, even those with whom you are not acquainted, without +restraint, and without embarrassment? If you cannot muster sufficient +spirit to do this, you had better turn travelling agent and call from +house to house till you are not afraid of associating and conversing +with strangers. + +Yet to be well-bred without ceremony; easy without carelessness; +self-possessed and dignified with modesty; polite without affectation; +pleasing without servility; cheerful without being noisy; frank +without indiscretion; and secret without mysteriousness; to know the +proper time and place for whatever you say or do, and do it with the +air of the well-bred--all this requires time and close observation. +"MANNERS MAKE THE MAN." Old, but good. The power or influence of an +easy, pleasing, deferential manner; of a polite, gracious and genteel +address, is shown in a multitude of ways, and is acknowledged by high +and low, and could not be better illustrated than by the success of +great Counterfeiters, Forgers, and "Confidence men" generally. They +are invariably men of the most polished and insinuating address. +They listen to you with a consummate, well-bred air of interest +and attention. They flatter you unconsciously, but none the less +powerfully by the deep respect they apparently show to every word +of your conversation; and when they address you it is as if to a +person deserving of the highest consideration. And all this with +such a combination of suavity, self-respect and dignity that it is +most powerful to please. And these accomplished rascals have trained +themselves to polished address and perfection of manners solely for the +purpose of winning in their schemes with men. + +Judicious flattery is incomparable as a means of pleasing. No person is +proof against it, and one of its most delicate and effective forms is +in showing a seeming deference to us--our conversation--opinions and +advice. The ladies are particularly susceptible to polite and urbane +manners. The act of a gentleman raising his hat and bowing gracefully +to a lady, is really, or seemingly, a mark of esteem and respect, and +the lady is pleased, as she should be. Little attentions thoughtfully +shown are certain to please, and to secure that regard the person +showing them is entitled to receive. + +"He is a perfect gentleman," from a lady simply means that he has been +generous in his gallant little attentions to her. + +"A good listener,"--and how rare they are!--can not be otherwise than +a thoughtful, sensible, and pleasing person. By his apparent deep +interest in our conversation, he flatters our self-love; and whoever +does that, without seeming intention, has advanced in our good opinion. + +There is nothing so grossly rude, nor so little forgiven, as +inattention from a person whom you are addressing. Many persons are so +thoughtlessly or ignorantly rude, that while you are speaking to them, +instead of looking at you with attention, they will look out of the +window, into the fire, or up at the ceiling, and, it may be, speak to, +or answer some other person, thus seeming to imply implicitly that the +most trifling object deserves their attention more than anything you +may be saying. The emphatic desire in every well-ordered mind to punish +such an offensively ill-bred person we consider highly commendable. + +In regard to the ways and usages of society we do not propose to say +anything here, as they can be readily learned by observation, or from +any of the several good books on the subject, mentioned in another +place. + + + + +BASHFULNESS FROM ILL-DRESS. + + +A person may have the education of a College President, and possess +the wealth of an Astor, yet let him with soiled or slouchy clothes be +suddenly brought into the society of ladies and gentlemen, and he will +feel and act constrained and bashful in spite of his best endeavors. + +Let a well-bred, well-dressed person make a call and discover, when it +is too late, that his boots are muddy, or his finger-nails not cleaned, +and he will inevitably act ill at ease, and be glad when he is safe in +the street again. + +A mechanic going home at night in his work-day clothes, with traces +of toil on hands and face, walks along with the well-dressed crowd +in a subdued and humble manner. The same mechanic, two hours later, +thoroughly washed and shaved, and arrayed in his best holiday clothes, +taking his wife to a place of amusement, perhaps, has the appearance of +another man. He walks with an erect and manly air, and feels that he is +a man among men. + +The question of dress is one of the utmost importance. It often +determines our characters and our success in life. A person meanly +dressed will feel meanly and act meanly. Everybody has experienced the +sudden and agreeable change in one's feelings from merely changing +from an old, poor suit of clothes to a new one. The dogs, with amazing +instinct, look upon the ragged beggar with suspicion, and meet him with +growls and snaps, while the well-dressed gentleman coming up the walk, +is welcomed with friendly wags of the tail. + + "Costly thy habit, as thy purse can buy, + But not expressed in fancy; rich, not gaudy, + For the apparel oft proclaims the man." + +This, from Shakespeare, is sound advice. City people, including those +who are in far more moderate circumstances than even the small farmers, +are far better dressed than the average of country people. The +farmer's wife going out for an evening's visit, or to church, "fixes +up," and makes a presentable appearance. The farmer going to town, ten +miles away, shaves, puts on his best suit, and feels respectable. They +are going into company--going to meet with people. On other days there +seems to be little regard for personal appearance as far as dress is +concerned. Now a resident of a city is always in company. He is on +perpetual exhibition. He is classed as he is dressed; if like a beggar, +then a beggar; if like a gentleman--a gentleman. + +Now, young and diffident reader, we insist that you can never rid +yourself of the bashful feeling while in company so long as you are +poorly dressed. By "poorly" we do not refer to the material, only to +the style and shape. A person may wear pantaloons and coat of the +finest broadcloth, but if they are baggy and slouchy, will he be +considered well dressed? Coarse material for coat and trousers have +been popular for several years past, and a good suit of clothes can be +bought at moderate cost. If you live within a reasonable distance of a +city, always buy your clothes there, as you will be sure to have them +in the latest style--that is, if you notice what the style is. Never +select pantaloons with large checks or stripes. Light brown, or dark +material is the most becoming. If you are obliged to have your clothes +made in the country, have them cut, if possible, by a tailor. It don't +so much matter who makes them up. + +[Illustration] + +The fit of a collar adds to or mars a person's appearance greatly. It +should turn down and both ends nearly meet at the buttonhole. A small +brown or black tie, with the ends tucked under the collar, or a plain, +narrow silk tie, or one of small white and black checks, will be neat +and becoming. A large neck-tie of a flaming color, so often worn by +country youths, is a prominent sign of an uncultivated taste. + + +THE HAIR, ETC.--City men, young and old, are very particular about +having their hair kept neatly and closely cut. Why those in the country +seem to delight in shocks of long hair we never could see; and we lived +in the country twenty years. Don't do it. Cultivate personal neatness +insiduously, and give an indication of it by keeping your hair neatly +trimmed. Don't let neighbor Smith do it with his sheep shears, thereby +saving a shilling or two; but go to a professional barber, even if he +is in the next town. + + +THE TEETH require particular attention. Use a tooth-pick always after +eating, rinsing the mouth at the same time. Scrub the teeth thoroughly +morning and night with a tooth-brush rubbed on a bit of soap. There is +no excuse for not doing this; a good brush will cost twenty cents, and +the time occupied about six minutes a day! The feeling of purity and +comfort experienced will amply recompense you for the trifling trouble. +Take a hot bath as often as you can, using soap and brush freely; and +be certain that no disagreeable foetid odor comes from your feet from +want of cleanliness. + +That you would go into the presence of ladies with soiled hands is not +probable, but be careful to notice that the nails are scrupulously +clean. + +These various little attentions towards personal neatness and +comeliness will soon become a second nature. And after you have +instituted these reforms in regard to your toilet, etc., you will +not fail to observe that you are treated with a much greater respect +and consideration, especially by the ladies, than before. Your own +estimation of yourself has greatly increased, and you find that the +miserable bashful feeling formerly experienced when in the society of +those you considered your superiors, no longer troubles you. + + +It is important for those young men who are apt to disparage themselves +in comparison with their wealthy acquaintances, to bear in mind that +riches and rank have no necessary connection with genuine gentlemanly +qualities. The poor man may be a true gentleman in spirit and in daily +life. He may be honest, truthful, polite, temperate, courageous, +self-respecting, and self-helping--that is, _a true gentleman_. The +poor man with a rich spirit, is always superior to the rich man with a +mean spirit. + + + + +BASHFULNESS CAUSED BY ILL HEALTH. + + +A person who has any noticeable physical deformity, or who has been +reduced by certain nervous diseases, cannot be expected to possess +that buoyancy and manliness of spirit that he would were circumstances +different. Persons with nerves that are naturally excitable, will +greatly increase their excitability by the habitual use of strong +tea, etc. As a result, they are nervous, fidgetty, and never quite +at ease. When in company they easily lose their self-possession and +do blundering things generally. There are certain habits known to +young men that cause a person to become bashful and sheep-faced to a +surprising degree. + +We have no particular suggestions to offer where diffidence and +bashfulness are the result of prolonged illness or disease. Every means +should be taken to restore the health; and with the restoration will +come the old manly and courageous spirit. + +When the nerves are weak and unsteady from physical debility, great +benefit will be immediately derived, in the majority of cases, from +the use, for two or three weeks at a time, of _Iodoform_, two or three +grains a day--taken at meal time on a bit of moist bread. + +In case the voice and lungs are weak, read aloud daily, enunciating +every word clearly and distinctly. Commence by reading ten minutes at +a time, and finally half an hour. You will soon acquire a richness and +depth of tone to be proud of, besides greatly improving your health by +increasing the capacity of the lungs. + + +TO PASTE INSIDE YOUR HAT. + + --And these few precepts in thy memory + Hold fast: "Give thy thoughts no tongue, + Nor any unproportion'd thought his act. + + Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar + To the friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, + Grapple them to thy soul with hooks of steel: + Beware of entrance to a quarrel; but, being in, bear + It, that the opposer may beware of thee. + + Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice; + Neither a borrower, nor a lender be, + For loan oft loses both itself and friend. + + This above all:--To thine own self be true; + And it must follow, as the night the day, + Thou can'st not be false to any man." + + + + +TRUTHS REPEATED. + + +SECRESY is a characteristic of good breeding. A gentleman or lady will +never tell in one company what they see or hear in another; much less +divert the present company at the expense of the last. In conversation +there is generally a tacit reliance that what is said will not be +repeated. Tattlers are contemptable. + +WHISPERING in company is an act of unmistakable ill-breeding. It seems +to imply that neither the persons whom we do not wish should hear are +unworthy our confidence, or that we are speaking improperly of them. + +INCESSANT talkers are very disagreeable companions. Nothing can be +more rude than to engross the conversation to yourself, or to take the +words, as it were, out of another person's mouth. All generally like +to bear their part in a conversation, and for one to monopolize it, +is a tacit acknowledgment that he considers his conversation of more +importance, or more interesting than that of others. Long talkers are +unmitigated bores. + +GIVING advice unasked is an impertinence. It is, in effect, declaring +ourselves wiser than those to whom we give it; reproaching them with +ignorance and inexperience. It is a freedom that ought not to be taken +with any common acquaintance. + +IT is true politeness not to interrupt a person in a story, whether you +have heard it before or not. + +MEN repent speaking ten times, for once they repent keeping silence. + +YOU will be reckoned by the world nearly of the same character with +those whose company you keep. + +IF you give yourself a loose tongue in company, you may almost depend +on being pulled to pieces as soon as your back is turned, however they +may seem entertained with your conversation. + +IT is ill manners to trouble people with talking too much either of +yourself or your affairs. If you are full of yourself, consider that +you, and your affairs, are not so interesting to other people as to +you. + + + + +Books Sent Postage Paid on Receipt of Price. + + + =Kame's Elements of Criticism, 504 pages= =$1 75= + + =Quackenbos' Composition and Rhetoric, 454 pages= =1 50= + + =Harper's History of the United States= =1 50= + + =Outlines of General History= =1 50= + + =Youman's Chemistry= =2 00= + + =Comstock's Natural Philosophy= =1 75= + + =Live and Learn; or, a Guide for all who wish to Speak and Write + Correctly, 216 pages= =75= + + =Martine's Hand-Book of Etiquette, and Guide to True Politeness.=--A + complete Manual for all those who desire to understand good + breeding, the customs of good society, and to avoid incorrect and + vulgar habits. 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(Ready.) + + =Youman's Dictionary of Every Day Wants.=--Just out. 539 large + pages. This is a great work. The amount of desirable information + it contains is immense. The _Index_ alone makes 55 long columns in + small type. The book is of itself a complete Library of Reference. + It is just what you have often wished for. It tells you how to + do almost everything. A large 16 page circular, sent free on + application, will give such information in regard to this most + useful book, that you will desire to obtain it without delay. Write + for the circular. Agents wanted, to whom great inducements are + offered. + + Address + + SETH CONLY, Publisher + + No. 524 Sixth Avenue, New York. + + + + + Transcriber's notes: + + The following is a list of changes made to the original. + The first line is the original line, the second the corrected one. + + Page 10: + + Although a good many screaching females in these Women's Rights, + Although a good many screeching females in these Women's Rights, + + Page 11: + + men who with shut jaws, gleaming eyes, and fixed byonets + men who with shut jaws, gleaming eyes, and fixed bayonets + + Page 28: + + though he is a farmer, not much used to society, there is to-day + Though he is a farmer, not much used to society, there is to-day + + Page 46: + + Salutes and Salutations, Calls, Conversations, Invtations, + Salutes and Salutations, Calls, Conversations, Invitations, + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Bashfulness Cured, by Anonymous + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43755 *** |