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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43419 ***
+
+  S&S HUMOR LIBRARY No. 3 PRICE 25 CENTS
+
+  JIGLETS
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  A SERIES OF
+  SIDESPLITTING
+  GYRATIONS
+  REELED OFF
+
+  BY
+
+  WALTER JONES
+
+  ILLUSTRATED
+
+  STREET & SMITH · PUBLISHERS · NEW YORK
+
+
+
+
+  "JIGLETS"
+
+  A SERIES OF SIDESPLITTING
+  GYRATIONS REELED OFF..
+
+  By
+  WALTER JONES
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  STREET & SMITH, Publishers
+  238 William Street, .. New York
+
+
+
+
+  Copyright, 1903
+  By STREET & SMITH
+
+  Jiglets
+
+
+
+
+IMPORTANT
+
+
+DEAR READER:
+
+While an artist has been engaged at a great expense to illustrate this
+volume of funniness, I want it distinctly understood that the
+illustrations are purely ornamental and are not intended to be diagrams
+of or keys to the jokes.
+
+Between you and me, any one of the jokes--if you like it--is worth
+eleven times the price asked for the book. But, like the filigree work
+on a lemon merangue pie, the decoration may not make the pie any more
+palatable--but, it looks a whole lot better.
+
+                   Confidentially yours,
+                        Walter Jones
+
+
+
+
+JIGLETS
+
+
+Ha! Ha! Ha! I am astonished. I didn't expect to find more than ten
+persons in the house to-night, and I see there are eleven.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I want to thank that gentleman in the first row--the man with the
+vigorous growth of hair. It's such a relief to see a man with some hair,
+in the front row.
+
+Say, I don't think I ever told you of the time I went with a
+Shakespearian company to tour the New England States.
+
+Never knew I was an actor? Why, of course.
+
+Wouldn't have thought it? Neither would I, if I didn't know to what
+extremes a man of my attainments may be driven, when his bread-basket is
+empty.
+
+Well, I signed for a hundred a week and all expenses.
+
+I got expenses all right, part of the time, and had to employ one of
+Pinkerton's men to look after the salary.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Up to yesterday, he hadn't found it; but no actor who goes out of New
+York town ever expects to get any salary, and I didn't.
+
+I played Hamlet, Egglet, Eyelet, Omelet and To Let.
+
+Every time I played Hamlet, I got an Egglet in the Eyelet, and I saved
+them up and made an Omelet, which caused such a disturbance among the
+other boarders, that my landlady told me my room was To Let.
+
+I was in hard luck all around.
+
+The worst blow that ever struck yours truly, was when we hit a little
+town in Maine called Haystack Mountain.
+
+People there didn't appreciate good acting and the show went busted.
+
+Well, the manager had an urgent engagement with a sick friend in New
+York, and he left us high and dry.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Some of the girls wept a little and asked how far it was to the railroad
+station.
+
+I didn't ask how far it was to the station. I knew what to do. I began
+to walk.
+
+Do you know, I never struck such a confounded lot of ties in all my
+life.
+
+The railroad must have employed non-union help. You couldn't judge them
+at all. You'd strike a lot that were three feet apart and think they
+were all that way. You'd go to sleep until you struck one at a four-foot
+interval; then you'd wake up pretty quick and murmur gentle nothings
+about the company.
+
+About the second day out, I landed at the town of Bridgewater. I walked
+into the only hotel of the place and thought I'd bluff 'em a little.
+
+"What are the rates?" says I.
+
+"Five dollars a day and up," says the clerk.
+
+"Oh, come off," says I, "I'm an actor."
+
+"In that case," says he, "it's five dollars a day, down."
+
+Toward evening, I came to a siding where a lot of box-cars were stalled.
+I crept on one of the trucks and went to sleep. I woke up to find I was
+traveling at the rate of forty miles an hour.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Suddenly I became aware that I had a visitor, and I knew my visitor had
+visitors, too--because I could hear him scratching.
+
+"Say," says I, "who the dickens are you and what do you want?"
+
+"Look here, young feller," says the visitor, "I'm Cornelius Vanderbilt
+out for a spin in my new automobile, and I won't be disturbed by the
+likes of you."
+
+"Where do you come from?" says I.
+
+"Maryland," says he. "My father is a great farmer down there. He raised
+a cabbage last year that weighed four hundred pounds. Now, who are you?"
+
+"Why," says I, "I'm Admiral Dewey on a tour of inspection in my private
+car. I'm going back to Brooklyn Navy Yard to superintend the
+manufacture of a boiler, so large that it takes two hundred and fifty
+men to drive one of the rivets."
+
+"Go slow, there," says he. "What could they do with a boiler so large as
+that?"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Why," says I, "they're going to boil that cabbage your father raised."
+
+After a little while he told me his name was Percival Reginald Van
+Dusenberry. He was an actor, but he had been walking longer than I.
+
+When we struck the town of Grafton, we got off our Pullman, and began
+looking for the graft.
+
+Percy went up to a cottage and rapped at the door, intending to ask for
+some cold victuals.
+
+A hand shoved out and gave him a roll of green-backs. Percy was
+dumfounded, but took to his heels.
+
+When we were about two miles away, Percy looked at me, and said:
+
+"Those lobsters took me for the landlord."
+
+We located a restaurant presently, and sat waiting at a table for an
+hour and a half.
+
+Finally, Percy said to the fellow behind the desk:
+
+"Are you the proprietor of this hash house?"
+
+"Yes," says he.
+
+"Well, then I want to know if you sent your waiter away, when you saw us
+coming, so you could charge us for a night's lodging."
+
+Just then the waiter came in.
+
+"Say," says I, "do you know we have been waiting here for an hour and a
+half?"
+
+"That's nothing," says he, "I've been waiting here for ten years."
+
+He placed a carafe of water on the table.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Look here," says Percy, "I never drink water unless it's absolutely
+pure and healthy. Is this all right?"
+
+"Sure," says the waiter.
+
+Percy took a glassful, and most of it was pollywogs.
+
+"Look here," says he, "I thought you said this water was healthy. Look
+at those bugs."
+
+"That only proves what I said," says the waiter. "If it wasn't healthy
+the bugs couldn't live in it."
+
+Just then Percy's eye caught a sign that read:
+
+"All the pancakes you can eat for ten cents."
+
+"I'm going to have some pancakes," says he. "What's yours?"
+
+"Chicken," says I.
+
+Percy kept eating pancakes.
+
+When he had eaten twenty plates the boss of the joint began to get
+interested.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Percy was certainly getting the biggest ten cents' worth I ever saw,
+when he stepped over and says:
+
+"Don't you think you have had enough?"
+
+"Just one more plate and then--" says Percy.
+
+"Then what?" says the boss.
+
+"Then you can tell the cook to make them a little bit thicker," says
+Percy.
+
+I tried to chew my chicken, but couldn't get it down. I managed to catch
+the waiter on his fifteenth lap between the kitchen and Percy's plate,
+and says:
+
+"Waiter, this chicken is awfully tough."
+
+"Have some pancakes, then," says Percy. "They're good and come cheap."
+
+"Well," says the waiter, "that chicken always was a Jonah. When we
+tried to kill it, the darned thing flew to the top of the house and we
+had to shoot it."
+
+"Oh, that accounts for it," says I. "Your aim was bad and you shot the
+weather cock by mistake."
+
+Percy finally got enough pancakes and paid his ten cents like a man.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+We traveled along the road that leads from the hash house, and met a
+farmer with a gun.
+
+"Say," says I, "have you seen anything worth shooting around here?"
+
+"Not until you came," says he.
+
+I don't blame him though.
+
+Talking of shooting, I don't think I ever told you of the time I went
+shooting with Teddy.
+
+Teddy is a great shot, but he can't compare with me. I'm going to sing
+you a song about it, entitled:
+
+"Snap Shot, Half Shot, All Shot; or, It Costs Money To Get Loaded."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    On the farms there's consternation,
+    And there's wide-spread agitation,
+      For the hunting season's opened up again.
+    In the paths and in the by-ways,
+    In the woods and in the highways,
+      There are packs of dogs and scores of shooting men.
+
+    Now and then a pig is squealing,
+    Or a hen or rooster keeling
+      Over suddenly in some sequestered spot.
+    Upon a close examination,
+    You may glean the information,
+      That by some lobster of a gunner it was shot.
+
+    Now and then a cow is snorting,
+    And around a field cavorting,
+      All because a load of shot has come its way.
+    Now and then a horse is rearing,
+    And in greatest pain appearing,
+      For it stopped another charge that went astray.
+
+    'Tis no wonder that the granger
+    Growls each time he sees a stranger,
+      Prowling through the woods and fooling with a gun;
+    For the shooting is alarming,
+    To the man who does the farming,
+      And he won't rest easy till the season's done.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+That's a very fine song, I'll admit. Percy is just dead in love with it.
+He makes me sing it about ten times a day.
+
+He says he can sympathize with the horses and cows, for he has "stopped
+many a charge that went astray" and knows how it feels.
+
+We left the farmer with the gun, and Percy began to get woefully dry.
+
+"Great Scott," says he, "I'd give almost anything for a drink of
+whiskey."
+
+He spied an old gent with a kind face, tottering along the road.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Just wait a minute," says Percy, "I'll see if that old gent carries a
+pocket flask."
+
+So he went over and says:
+
+"Kind sir, can you give a poor man who has heart trouble a drop of
+whiskey?"
+
+"You should not drink that stuff," says the old man, "why do you do it?"
+
+"Because I'm thirsty," says Percy.
+
+"Then why don't you drink milk?" says he. "Milk, you know, makes blood."
+
+"But," says Percy, "I'm not blood-thirsty."
+
+"The doctors," continued the old man, "say that whiskey ruins the coat
+of the stomach. What would you do if that happened in your case?"
+
+"I'd mighty soon make the darn thing work in its shirt-sleeves," says
+Percy.
+
+We walked on and saw a farmhouse through the trees.
+
+Percy went up to ask for some cold victuals and actually got the cold
+shoulder.
+
+Then we struck the town of Freysburg. There's where poor Percy got fried
+to a rich, golden brown.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It happened this way.
+
+We saw a large tent in which a revival meeting was going on.
+
+"I'm going to take part," says Percy.
+
+I tried to dissuade him, but it wouldn't go.
+
+The deacon looked him over and says:
+
+"Will the brother relate his experiences?"
+
+I judged that Percy would have a very large contract on his hands, but
+he went at it like a man.
+
+Everybody was shouting something, so every time Percy said anything, I
+shouted:
+
+"Thank Heaven for that."
+
+"Ladies and gentlemen," says he, "I've been a villain of the deepest
+dye."
+
+"Thank Heaven for that," says I.
+
+Percy looked at me and continued:
+
+"Often I have felt tempted to commit suicide."
+
+"Thank Heaven for that," says I.
+
+"I'm heart and soul in the noble cause, but I'm penniless."
+
+"Thank Heaven for that," says I.
+
+Percy went on:
+
+"I know that these noble men and women will raise a subscription to
+enable me to carry out my aims."
+
+"Thank Heaven for that," says I.
+
+Say, the way Percy got money surprised me.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Finally, we got clear of the tent and just sloped for it.
+
+The next town a constable was waiting for us.
+
+He spotted Percy right away.
+
+"You're wanted for obtaining money under false pretenses," says he.
+
+He took Percy to the court, which was held in the rear of a grocery
+store.
+
+Going in, I knocked a big cheese off the counter and stooped to pick it
+up.
+
+"That's all right," says the grocer, "it knows its own way around the
+counter by this time."
+
+The judge asked Percy what his profession was.
+
+"I'm an actor," says Percy. "When I'm on the stage I become so absorbed
+in my part that the theatre vanishes, the audience disappears----"
+
+"Yes," commented the judge, "they go out and ask for their money back.
+What were you before you became a loafer?" asked the judge.
+
+"I was a gentleman," says Percy.
+
+"That's a good business, but you're not the only one who failed in it,"
+says the judge. "Now what have you to say in your defense?"
+
+"I must wait till my lawyer arrives," says he.
+
+"Why," says the judge, "you were caught red-handed with the goods on.
+What could your lawyer say that would influence my decision?"
+
+"That's just what I want to find out," says Percy. "But give me a little
+time and I will explain all."
+
+"All right," says the judge. "Six years at hard labor. I hope you will
+be able to explain when you get out, or back you'll go for another six."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I was so afraid that the judge would give me time to explain why I was
+with Percy that I started to run and didn't stop until I got to Boston.
+
+Now I'm going to sing you a little song, entitled: "He Made a Foolish
+Break And Got The Laugh; or, Wedded Persons' Compliments."
+
+    Said a young and tactless husband
+      To his inexperienced wife:
+    "If you would but give up leading
+      Such a fashionable life,
+    And devote more time to cooking--
+      How to mix and when to bake--
+    Then, perhaps you might make pastry
+      Such as mother used to make."
+
+    And the wife, resenting, answered
+      (For the worm will turn, you know):
+    "If you would but give up horses
+      And a score of clubs or so,
+    To devote more time to business--
+      When to buy and what to stake--
+    Then, perhaps, you might make money,
+      Such as father used to make."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+There! I'm greatly relieved now that I've got that song off my mind. I
+was afraid I might break down, because it's so touching.
+
+Talking of relief, puts me in mind of a friend of mine who wanted to be
+relieved, in the worst way, of a barrel of over-ripe sauerkraut. When I
+heard his tale of woe, I laughed so that I had to go and buy a new pair
+of suspenders.
+
+You see, he had a German friend who had the kraut and didn't know what
+to do with it, so he offered to send it home to my friend Jenkins.
+Jenkins accepted and stored it in his cellar.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The next day, the fellow upstairs, named McCarthy, came down and raised
+thunder with his wife. When Jenkins came home he heard all about it. He
+went upstairs and saw the offender.
+
+"Say," says he, "I understand you object to the smell down in my
+cellar."
+
+"No," says McCarthy, "I don't object to it down there, but when it opens
+the cellar door and creeps upstairs I do object. It kept me awake all
+last night."
+
+"Well," said Jenkins, "I'll put it out in the yard behind the dog
+house."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+And he did.
+
+The next morning he went out to feed the dog and found him--dead.
+
+That day nine families moved out of Jenkins' flat, and the tenth was
+just going when he donated the kraut to an orphan asylum. The orphans
+broke loose and took leg bail.
+
+There wasn't any one but the janitor to feed it to and he threatened to
+quit.
+
+The last Jenkins heard of the kraut, it was about to be shipped to Dick
+Croker to sod his lawn at Wantage.
+
+I came near being put under the sod myself the other day.
+
+I heard that one of my best and oldest friends, J. Fishpond O'Morgan,
+was down with rheumatism in his arm, so I went around to see him.
+
+As soon as I showed my face in the door, Fishpond howled:
+
+"I'm saved."
+
+I did not know what he was driving at, so I said:
+
+"Sure."
+
+"I want you to do me a favor," says he. "Go around to Prof. Sockem's and
+tell him to give you some of the usual medicine."
+
+I went to old Sockem's, and just caught him in.
+
+"Doctor," says I, "my friend O'Morgan sent me around for some of the
+usual for gout."
+
+"All right," says he. "Arm, I suppose. Just roll up your sleeve."
+
+I thought I had struck a maniac, so I tried to humor him.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+He came back with a suspicious-looking black bottle and I thought I was
+a gone goose sure. You see, I had heard so much about the black bottle.
+
+He grabbed my wrist in a grip of iron, poured some of the black bottle
+stuff on my arm and began to rub it, gently.
+
+Then he began to rub harder and faster, and I could see my arm swell up
+like a pillow under the fearful treatment.
+
+I kicked, and finally managed to break loose.
+
+"You confounded scoundrel," I says, "what do you mean by assulting me?"
+
+"Assulting you?" says he; "you wanted some of the usual and you got it
+good and hard, but let me sell you some of my medicine for swollen arms.
+It's the best thing in the world for such cases."
+
+Did you ever notice what a lot of trouble a simple, little girl may
+make? Oh! you girls. You're never happy unless you're making some poor
+lobster show how much money he has, by blowing it in on you.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+You know, though, girls, I appreciate you, if no one else does.
+
+If it weren't for you, I'll bet a dollar to Rockfeller's oil-can that
+none of the young fellows I see here to-night would have ever thought
+of coming here.
+
+Now I'm going to sing you a little warble entitled:
+
+"What a Surprisingly Fresh Man That Jones Is; or, I'd Like to Meet Him
+Outside."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    Many a man has often cussed,
+      For only an innocent maid;
+    Many a bank has gone in the dust,
+      For just an innocent maid;
+    Many a judge has not been just,
+      To only an innocent maid;
+    Many a saint went on a bust,
+      For just an innocent maid.
+
+    Cho. When Johnny goes to his lady's house
+            She greets him with a smile;
+          At once she starts the glim to douse
+            So he can propose in style.
+
+    Many a milkman has got the sack,
+      For only an innocent maid;
+    Many a dude has been knocked on his back,
+      For just an innocent maid;
+    Many a doctor has had to quack,
+      For only an innocent maid;
+    Many a dollar is won on the track,
+      For just an innocent maid.
+
+    Cho. When Johnny takes her to the altar,
+           He may think it's for his good,
+         In his opinion soon he'll falter,
+           When she makes him split the wood.
+
+    Many a cop has left his beat,
+      For only an innocent maid;
+    Many a gambler has had to cheat,
+      For just an innocent maid;
+    Many a commuter has given his seat,
+      To only an innocent maid;
+    Many a lover has known pa's foot,
+      For just an innocent maid.
+
+    Cho. Johnny thinks he's caught a prize,
+           When he's only been married a week;
+         But when she feeds him on apple pies,
+           He feels like taking a sneak.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Did you hear that peculiar toot the fellow with the big horn gave when I
+finished up?
+
+That means "Rotten" in his low vocabulary. He's got a grudge against me.
+
+Once, when he didn't occupy his present high position, he came to me and
+wanted me to stake him the price of the horn he just insulted me with.
+
+"What!" says I. "Are you going to learn to be a blower? Don't you think
+you are nuisance enough already?"
+
+You see, I wanted to save the money. He stood firm though, and I had to
+cough up.
+
+About a week later he came around looking a perfect wreck. His eye was
+closed, his head bandaged, and his clothes in shreds.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"What's the matter?" says I. "Couldn't you manage the horn."
+
+"Well, you see, Brother Jones," says he, "I could manage the horn all
+right, but I could not manage the neighbors."
+
+This same fellow is a bird fancier. He breeds all kinds of birds.
+
+I asked him to blow me to a small hot bird and a cold bottle now that
+he was so wealthy, and the stare he gave me was so cold that it froze
+the highball I carry in my pocket flask.
+
+I don't care, though, if I didn't have the hot bird I had a cold bottle.
+
+He has a great flock of homing pigeons.
+
+The other day he bet a fellow named Robinson, that he could select two
+out of the bunch that would come home no matter where they were taken.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Robinson thought a while, and then said he'd bet they couldn't come home
+from Coney Island. I held the stakes.
+
+When the birds were selected and put in the basket, Robinson slyly
+clipped their wings.
+
+The next day the fellow came to me and claimed the bet.
+
+"What!" says I. "Did those birds come home?"
+
+"Sure," says he. "But their feet are awfully sore."
+
+Say, the other night I was coming down from Yonkers in a trolley car.
+
+No, I wasn't loaded. Do you think every fellow who goes to Yonkers, has
+to get loaded to drown his sorrow? No, I was quite sober.
+
+One fellow got up in a hurry to leave and brought up plump against a
+stunning Fire-Island Cinnamon-Bear blond, on the platform.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"It's a wonder you wouldn't be careful," says she of the red cranium.
+
+"I am," says he, "but I was dazzled by your head-light."
+
+The ruddy complexioned damsel came in and sat beside me.
+
+In the natural course of events we got to talking and swapped childhood
+memories.
+
+She told me that she was married, but didn't live with her husband.
+
+"In that case," says I, "you must be a grass widow."
+
+"Why, yes," she assented. "By the way, are you a lawn mower?"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I hastened to assure her that I was a married man.
+
+"Do you know," she says, as we were crossing the Harlem River, "I was
+walking over this bridge one time and suddenly a man ran up, seized me,
+and before I could cry out, hurled me over the rail."
+
+"Can you swim?" says I.
+
+"No," says she.
+
+"Then how were you saved?"
+
+"Well, you see, I walked ashore."
+
+"Walked ashore," says I. "How could you walk ashore?"
+
+"Well, I had rubber boots on."
+
+I thought that was pretty hard on the Harlem.
+
+Say, that reminds me of a friend of mine who is the most spiteful cuss
+alive.
+
+The other day he went to visit his uncle whose name is John Smith. He
+hadn't been to see him in so long that he mistook the house, went up the
+stoop of the house next door, and rang the bell.
+
+A maid came to the door, evidently very much out of humor.
+
+"Is this John Smith's house?" he asked.
+
+"No, it ain't," she snapped, and slammed the door in his face.
+
+Smith walked the distance of several doors, then went back and rang the
+same bell.
+
+The identical girl came to the door, and Smith up and said:
+
+"Who the devil said it was John Smith's?" and walked away.
+
+Smith has a wife who is dead stuck on fortune tellers and palmists.
+
+The other day she called upon an East Indian Prince on Thompson Street
+and had her fortune told.
+
+Among other things, he told her that she would have visitors soon who
+would come to stay. She couldn't think who it could be.
+
+One night Smith came home, and his wife rushed up to him and cried:
+
+"Now, don't say again there is nothing in fortune telling. He told me
+that we would have visitors who'd come to stay, and we have. Our cat has
+just had kittens."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Another time she went to a palmist, who rambled on telling her the usual
+stuff they tell every one.
+
+Finally, she says:
+
+"There is a line on your hand that indicates you are a very beautiful
+woman."
+
+"Does my hand tell that?" says Smith's wife.
+
+"Sure," says the palmist. "You don't suppose I could tell that by
+looking at your face, do you?"
+
+Yeow--by James, I thought I heard a cat that time.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Say, I had an accident with a cat the other night, and I'm nervous for
+fear the S. P. C. A. will get after me.
+
+You see I came home pretty early and, just as I got my key in the door,
+I heard something behind me.
+
+I didn't pay any attention, and as I opened the door that something
+scooted past me and slipped upstairs.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I took off my boot, got a light, and--the rest I'll tell you in my
+latest sonata, entitled:
+
+"Oh, Bring Back My Tabby To Me."
+
+    Not a mew was heard, not a feline note,
+      As his corpse to the back yard I hurried;
+    For I laid him low with my trusty boot,
+      And thought it was time he was buried.
+    So I sallied forth, in the dead of the night,
+      My head meanwhile cautiously turning,
+    For I feared that his mistress, the old maid next door,
+      Might catch on and give me a burning.
+
+    No orthodox coffin enclosed the defunct,
+      Not in paper or rag did I wind him;
+    But I shoveled him into his cold, narrow bed,
+      Where no one was likely to find him.
+    Yes, softly she'll call to the spirit that's gone,
+      From his new home in vain to allure.
+    But little he'll care; for Tom will sleep on--
+      He has an illness no doctor can cure.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+That's a pretty good song, if I do say so myself. I always feel like
+laughing when I sing it, though. It reminds me of my dear departed
+friend, Tom O'Moore.
+
+This Tom was the brightest fellow that ever lived.
+
+One day he was greatly troubled with an aching tooth. He went to the
+dentist and exhibited his swollen jaw.
+
+"Which tooth do you want extracted?" asked the dentist.
+
+Tom pointed to a tooth opposite the swelling.
+
+"Why," says the dentist, "the swelling is on the other side."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Och," says Tom, "is it that small lump you mane, that's nothin'. That's
+only where Bridget hit me with the lifter."
+
+Tom had the troublesome tooth taken out and left the place.
+
+Outside, he met his dear friend O'Holleran who, as he saw Tom, yelled:
+
+"I say, Tom, did you hear of the frightful miscarriage of justice that
+McCarthy was the victim of?"
+
+"No," says Tom, "what was it?"
+
+"Well," says O'Holleran, "they locked poor Mac up for being drunk when
+he was clane sober."
+
+"Begob," says Tom, "I don't belave it at all, at all. Mac must have been
+drunk to let them lock him up when he was sober."
+
+"I say, Tom," says O'Holleran, "do you believe in drames?"
+
+"Sure, I do," says Tom. "Whoi?"
+
+"Then what's it a sign of when a married man drames he's a bachelor?"
+
+"Begob," says Tom, "it's a sign of disappointment--when he wakes up."
+
+"Do you know, Tom," says O'Holleran, "I'd give a hundred dollars to know
+the exact spot I'm going to die on."
+
+"Whoi?" says Tom.
+
+"Whoi, you gossoon, I'd never go near the ould spot at all, at all."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Tom and O'Holleran took a walk through the suburbs, and came upon some
+blackberry bushes laden with half-ripe fruit.
+
+"I say," says O'Holleran, "what kind of bushes do you call those, Tom?"
+
+"Whoi, you fule," says Tom, "they're blackberries."
+
+"Get out," says O'Holleran, "they're red."
+
+"Sure," says Tom, "but every fule knows that blackberries are always red
+when they're green."
+
+A little way beyond, they came to a crossroad. Tom said they ought to go
+to the right and O'Holleran said to the left.
+
+They argued for a while, and Tom says:
+
+"I'll tell you what we'll do. You go by one and I'll take the other. If
+I get home first, I'll put a chalk mark on the door, and if you get
+there first you rub it out."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Tom recently imported one of his poor relatives to this country. His
+name was Pat Sullivan.
+
+Pat was a very thick Irishman, and as he had never seen a railroad in
+Erin-Go-Bra-a-a-a-ha, he couldn't get it into his head how it worked.
+
+Finally Tom took him up a railroad track to explain the matter to him.
+
+When they were rounding a curve, between two high embankments, a train
+came thundering behind them.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Run up the bank for your life," cried Tom, and set a good example by
+doing it himself.
+
+Pat, however, dug straight down the track, and it was not long before
+the train overtook him and hurled him forty feet away.
+
+"Ye lobster," says Tom, "whoi didn't you run up the bank as I told you?"
+
+"Begob," says Pat, "if I couldn't beat that bloomin' thing on the level,
+what chance did I stand running uphill?"
+
+By the way, did you ever get into one of those lunch counter,
+go-outside-and-get-something-fit-to-eat restaurants? I did, and it's a
+regular circus. If you've never been, you want to take it in.
+
+The other day I had sixteen cents with which to get something to eat,
+and I thought I'd chance it.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I stepped into one of these holy terrors and sat down on a revolving
+stool similar to those they have in dry goods stores.
+
+These seats are placed so closely together that your neighbor's business
+is your own.
+
+You try to eat your soup. He nudges you and sends it back in your plate.
+
+He tries to eat his pork and beans. You nudge him and he fishes in his
+vest pocket for pork, and down his shirt front for beans.
+
+Well, I picked up the bill of fare and glanced over it. Really, I
+hadn't been out late for a week and I didn't know what to make of it.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The first entree was:
+
+"Omelette a la Creole."
+
+"Good heavens!" I thought. "Do they slice Creoles and serve them as
+omelettes?"
+
+I wasn't very anxious to find out.
+
+The next was:
+
+"Rice soup a la Bellevue."
+
+"Holy smoke, I have the rum habit so bad, I imagine I see Bellevue
+everywhere I go. I wonder what would happen if I were to take that?"
+
+I got nervous and prepared to leave.
+
+The last thing I saw on the calender was
+
+"Croquettes a la D'Esprit."
+
+"That's it exactly," I thought, "they get so desperate in these places
+that they hash up all the leavings and call them by their right name."
+
+When I passed the manager of the shebang, he says:
+
+"What's the matter? Are you dissatisfied with what you've had?"
+
+"Not a bit of it," says I, "it's what I haven't had that I am
+dissatisfied with."
+
+When I got outside of the restaurant, who should I run into but my dear
+friend, Rufus Sage.
+
+"Hello, Rufus," says I, "how's business?"
+
+"Candidly," says he, "it's rotten. I made only three millions this
+morning, and I've got to get a new suit this afternoon that will cost
+all the way from ten to fifteen dollars."
+
+"Too bad," says I.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Then, besides, I'm liable to be inconvenienced any time," he says,
+"through an argument I had with a friend of mine this morning. He said I
+was extravagant, and I said I wasn't."
+
+"Well," says I, "did you succeed in getting him to think the same as
+yourself?"
+
+"Yes," says he, "but I may get arrested any minute for assult and
+battery, and they'll fine me not less than five dollars."
+
+I don't think I ever told you of the awful time I had, when I went
+yachting with my friend Rufus Sage, did I?
+
+Oh! It was a swell time, indeed.
+
+It began to swell the minute we struck the swell outside the harbor, and
+my poetic soul swelled up within me in great shape.
+
+I was leaning over the rail looking at the beautiful green waves and the
+reflection of my beautiful face in them (no, I wasn't doing anything
+else), when my dear friend, Rufus, came to me and said:
+
+"Cheer up, old man, things will get pleasanter, when the moon comes up."
+
+"Darnation," says I, "it has come up, if I ever swallowed it."
+
+Right after that, we encountered a most terrific gale. The wind blew,
+the storm howled, the ship tossed, and the lightning flashed. In fact,
+we were in a devil of a mess all around.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I found my ear in the captain's mouth and he was telling me something I
+didn't want to know.
+
+The captain found my right boot exactly where it should have been under
+the circumstances.
+
+The last thing I saw was Rufus running to his cabin to get a
+two-for-five collar button he had left in his trunk.
+
+All hands got safely into the boat but me. There was so much of me
+overboard already that I didn't care how soon my skeleton followed.
+
+Finally the ship sank and I found myself astride a big hogshead. I was
+in an awful situation.
+
+Suddenly, I sighted a flagstaff with a flag attached, and within an hour
+was in grabbing distance.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"This," I says, "is all right. I'll put the staff in the bung-hole of
+the barrel and fly a signal of distress."
+
+It flew fine, until a gust of wind took it away. But, as you know, I am
+a man of resource.
+
+I took off my jacket and hoisted it in the place of the flag.
+
+Another gust of wind came and blew my jacket away. Then I hoisted my
+shirt. That blew away and I hoisted my socks. Those followed, and I
+hoisted my trousers.
+
+Say, but it was good I had that barrel. Those pajamas saved my life,
+though. A week later a passing steamer caught sight of my signal of
+distress and rescued me.
+
+The first thing I asked the captain was if Rufus had been saved.
+
+"Why," says he, "haven't you heard? He landed at Savannah and cornered
+the cotton market to the tune of ten million dollars, but he says he's a
+ruined man because he lost his yacht."
+
+Say, how do you stand on the servant question? I had a girl that beat
+all outdoors for intelligence.
+
+The other day my wife went out to do some shopping and left Bridget in
+charge of the house.
+
+When she returned she asked Bridget if any one had called for her.
+
+"Sure, mum," says she, "the babbie called for you all the while you were
+gone."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+That night, when I came home to dinner, I couldn't eat a thing.
+Everything that wasn't glowing embers, was charcoal. I gave my wife a
+lecture and told her to fire the girl at once.
+
+My wife went down to Bridget's stronghold and said:
+
+"Bridget, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you'll have to find another place."
+
+"Whoy so, mum?" asked Bridget.
+
+"Well, my husband thinks there's too much waste in the kitchen."
+
+"For the land's sakes, if you'll only let me stay, mum, I'll get a
+twenty-two corset and lace it until I can't breathe."
+
+One day a friend of mine came to me and says:
+
+"I see you have Bridget Harrohan around the house."
+
+"Yes," says I.
+
+"Do you know that she was in her last situation five years."
+
+"No," says I; "where was that?"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Sing Sing," says he.
+
+I went home and sent Bridget away.
+
+My wife, in sympathy, recommended her to one of her dearest friends.
+That sympathy was beautiful to see.
+
+A little later Bridget came back and announced that the friend had
+engaged her.
+
+"So the lady engaged you, at once, when you told her you had been with
+me," says she.
+
+"Oh, yes!" says Bridget. "She said any one who could stay with you
+three months, must be an angel."
+
+Say, I picked up a newspaper this morning, and I was astonished at the
+great events that are taking place.
+
+I see that George Washington, colored, was appointed postmaster of the
+town of Gooseberry, N. C., at 9:15 yesterday morning, took up his
+situation at 9:30, and was lynched at 9:45.
+
+I see that Mark Hanna has donated two millions to be spent in buying
+ice-cream and ginger snaps for the w-o-r-k-i-n-g-m-a-n.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I had a terrible dream about Mark, last night. It was so terrible that I
+got right up and dedicated a song to it.
+
+It's entitled:
+
+"What Did I Have For Supper; or, If I Knew What It Was I'd Eat It
+Again."
+
+A low key, professor. Not a latchkey.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls,
+      And lived in regal state;
+    That aldermanic feasts were mine,
+      Served up in Rogers' plate.
+
+    I dreamt I once met dear old Ted,
+      And shook him by the hand;
+    He said he'd make the niggers
+      The first men in the land.
+
+    I dreamt I saw Mark Hanna
+      In the Presidential chair;
+    He had J. P. Morgan seated
+      Right beside him there.
+
+    I dreamt I saw coal king Baer
+      Stand out upon the street,
+    Giving tons of coal to all
+      Within a hundred feet.
+
+    I dreamt I saw good Russell Sage
+      Give millions by the score,
+    To every poor man in the land,
+      And some came back for more.
+
+    I dreamt that all the Vanderbilts
+      Had reduced the railroad fare,
+    And were giving round-trip tickets
+      To almost everywhere.
+
+    I dreamt I had a fortune left
+      By dear old Harold Payne;
+    A hundred thousand down, or so,
+      The lawyers did explain.
+
+    I dreamt the Senate quickly passed
+      The anti-combine laws;
+    And sent the trusts all limping off
+      With dislocated jaws.
+
+    I dreamt that William Jennings Bryan
+      Was eventually elected;
+    They couldn't tell by just what means,
+      But Dave Hill was suspected.
+
+    I dreamt I saw shrewd Tommy Platt
+      Give doughnuts to the poor,
+    And when they wouldn't take them
+      He threw them down the sewer.
+
+    I dreamt our friends at Congress
+      Were running ten-round bouts;
+    That McLaurin went on with Tillman,
+      And scored some clean knockouts.
+
+    I dreamt there was no grafting,
+      That politics were clean;
+    But then, you bet, I just woke up,
+      I knew that was a dream.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Verily, verily, Republics and friends are ungrateful.
+
+Do you know, all the gentlemen I mentioned in that song I just sang are
+my friends?
+
+Talking of friends, puts me in mind of an ungrateful cuss I once called
+by this over-worked figure of speech.
+
+He met me on the street, slapped me on the back, and said:
+
+"Hello, old man!"
+
+"Hello!" says I, "what do you want?"
+
+"What do I want?" says he. "I want ten dollars."
+
+"That's an awful large sum of money, and I'm afraid I haven't got it to
+lend," says I.
+
+"You've got it in the bank?" says he.
+
+"Yes," says I.
+
+"Now, look here," says he. "The Good Book teaches us that we are all
+brothers."
+
+"Granted," says I.
+
+"Well," says he, "if I am your brother, by moral right what's yours is
+mine, and what's mine is yours. If I had the money I'd give it to you so
+quick it would take your breath away. Now, what you ought to do is to
+draw that money from the bank."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I rushed down to the bank, and says to the teller:
+
+"Is the cashier in?"
+
+"No," says he, "he's out. Are you a depositor?"
+
+"Yes," says I.
+
+"Then you're out, too; the police are on the trail now."
+
+I went back to Harris, and gave him the last cent I had. He promised to
+pay me back in an hour.
+
+A month after I met him.
+
+"Say," says I, "how about that money I lent you? You said you only
+wanted it for a short time."
+
+"That's right," says he, "I only had it for ten minutes. I went into a
+faro game."
+
+Some time ago, Harris visited a tailor and had an overcoat made. He
+wanted trust, and the tailor, of course, wanted references.
+
+Harris put up such a bluff that the tailor gave him the overcoat. He
+certainly played his game to perfection.
+
+Then Harris wouldn't pay.
+
+The tailor came around and said:
+
+"See here, Harris, wasn't I kind enough to let you have that coat on
+tick? And now you won't pay. I'm sure it was the best that I could make,
+and it must have worn well."
+
+"Certainly," says Harris, "all my nephews wore it."
+
+"There, didn't I tell you it--" began the tailor.
+
+"Yes," said Harris, "every time it got wet it shrunk so that the next
+youngest one could wear it."
+
+Then the fun began.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The tailor put the bill into a collector's hands.
+
+The collector called upon Harris.
+
+"I'm sorry for you, old man," said the collector, "but your tailor has
+put your account into my hands for collection."
+
+"Indeed, I'm so sorry for you. And you say you're going to try to
+collect it eh?" says Harris. "Well, I am so sorry for you."
+
+The collector couldn't get a cent. Every time he called after that,
+Harris threw him downstairs.
+
+Why, he got so after a while, that as soon as Harris appeared at the
+door, he would rush to the stairs and throw himself down.
+
+Harris had him trained.
+
+The tailor hit upon a brilliant scheme.
+
+He hired a woman to collect the bill.
+
+Harris was in a dilemma. He couldn't throw a woman downstairs.
+
+He told me about it, and asked my advice, but I had none to give.
+
+The next time I met him he shook me by the hand and said:
+
+"I got around that woman-collector business all right. She never went
+back to the bloomin' tailor after the second time she called."
+
+"Why," says I, "how did you manage it?"
+
+"Oh!" says he, "that was dead easy. I just married her."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Did you ever strike one of those people who are dead stuck on their
+lineage and have charts tacked on their bedroom door, showing how many
+thousand years they can trace their ancestors?
+
+I struck a "she" specimen the other day.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+As soon as we were introduced, she says: "Jones, Jones, surely you are a
+descendant of the famous family of Joneses, who had their origin in the
+stone age and lived in a cave on the Palisades, about a mile from
+Hoboken?"
+
+"I can't remember," says I, "it's so long ago and I have a poor memory."
+
+"Yes, but let us come nearer to the present generation," says she. "You
+surely are a relative of the Joneses, the Milwaukee millionaires of the
+same name."
+
+"Yes," I says, "a distant relative."
+
+"How distant?" she says.
+
+"As distant as they can keep me," says I.
+
+"Have you any poor relatives?" says she.
+
+"None that know me," says I.
+
+That got her mad. She says:
+
+"If I were your wife, I would put poison in your coffee."
+
+"And if I was your husband," says I, "I'd drink it."
+
+The other day I met Charlie de Hopen Dagen, the Scotchman, who had just
+enlisted for service in the Philippines.
+
+"Hello, old man!" says he, "come and have a drink."
+
+I wasn't feeling very thirsty, but I went.
+
+It seemed to me that I had about ten thousand Manhattans, and then we
+had nine thousand and forty-eight whiskey sours to counterbalance them
+and try to sober up.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Something made Charlie rampageous, and he began to scrap with the
+barkeeper and almost killed him.
+
+I finally got Charlie, seeing four moons and ten gangplanks, on board
+his vessel which was just about to leave.
+
+The next day I met his brother Jim.
+
+"Hello, Walter, I hear you saw Charlie off last night," says he.
+
+"Yes," says I, "he was very much off."
+
+"Was he in good spirits when you left him?" says he.
+
+"Sure," says I, "the best that money could buy. He was a little sick,
+though."
+
+"I hope it wasn't anything contagious," says he.
+
+"If you could see the barkeeper up in Dan Mulligan's place," says I,
+"you'd thought it was."
+
+Say, every one says Lakewood is so healthy, know why?
+
+I heard only the other day, from a man who knew all about it.
+
+I went down there, and the first thing I struck was one of those
+watering carts, plastered over with a patent medicine ad.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Holy smoke!" says a fellow who stood beside me on the station. "No
+wonder Lakewood is so healthy. They water the streets with Fakir's
+Sarsaparilla."
+
+Did you ever notice that when you have been taking liquid refreshments
+and are feeling good, and can't walk straight, then is the time you meet
+all your dearly beloved friends who like to talk about you?
+
+The other night I went to a beer party, and when it got time to go home,
+I felt pretty much so-so.
+
+I started out and the very first fellow I met was Jenkins.
+
+"Why, my dear Walter," says he, "I am surprised. Don't give way to
+strong drink. Verily, verily, put it behind you."
+
+"Why, parson," says I, "I am very much surprised that you can't see that
+I've got it behind me now.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Say," says I, "I fell down stairs last night, parson, with twenty
+bottles of beer, and didn't break one of them."
+
+"Verily, verily," says he, "that was indeed marvelous. How did you
+accomplish that extraordinary feat?"
+
+"I had them inside me," says I.
+
+The parson passed on and the next fellow I met was Dr. Brown of Spotless
+Town.
+
+"What!" says he, "drinking beer again, friend Jones? I thought I told
+you that every glass of beer you took put a nail in your coffin."
+
+"Can't give it up, doctor," says I. "Then, too, what does it matter
+after you're dead and gone if your coffin is as full of nails as the new
+East River Bridge is full of rivets."
+
+I began to get a little confused, and couldn't see very clearly.
+
+I met a friend and says:
+
+"Say, Tom, can you tell me what has become of Walter Jones?"
+
+"Why," says he, "you're Walter Jones yourself, ain't you?"
+
+"I know it," says I, "but I want to know where he's got to."
+
+He took me home.
+
+The next morning my wife thought I was down-hearted. So I was. She tried
+to cheer me up.
+
+"Oh, Walter! look here, the morning paper says that in Yumyami, Africa,
+a wife may be bought for twenty yards of cotton cloth."
+
+"Well," says I, "I guess a good wife is worth it."
+
+Then she started on another tack.
+
+"By the way, you know Charlie Benson, don't you?"
+
+I admitted that I did.
+
+"Well," says she, "of late he has become quite attentive. I really think
+he means to run away with me."
+
+"I'd like to see him do it," says I.
+
+"Why," says she, "here's an account of a very intrepid photographer, who
+took a picture of a wildcat, just as it was about to spring at him."
+
+"That's nothing," says I. "Jimmy Peck has a snap shot of his wife coming
+at him with a kettle of boiling water."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"It says here that lightning never strikes twice in the same place. I
+wonder why?"
+
+"Any fool knows that," says I. "When the lightning comes again the place
+isn't there to strike."
+
+"Say," says she, "I heard that you spoke to that ugly Mrs. De Fashion
+yesterday."
+
+"Yes," I assented.
+
+"She had a new hat on; did you notice what it was like?" says she.
+
+"Well," says I, "it had a cowcatcher front, a battered-down funnel, a
+tailboard behind, a flower garden on top, and a job lot of ribbons
+streaming down in back. You can easily make one like it."
+
+She soon got tired of trying to cheer me up and quit in disgust. It's a
+pretty hard job to cheer me up when I'm down-hearted.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Just then the bell rang, and the maid announced the doctor. He came in
+looking like a big sunflower.
+
+"Sorry, old man, to see you in such a condition last night," says he.
+
+"Bad condition, doctor," says I. "Why, that wasn't a flea bite to the
+condition I'm in this morning."
+
+"I called upon Rollins this morning," says he, "and I never saw a man in
+such a complete state of mental depression. He says he was out with you
+last night. Can't you go around and convince him that his life still
+holds some future brightness for him?"
+
+"Doctor," says I, "that's impossible. He's drawn his salary three weeks
+in advance and spent it all last night."
+
+"Do you know," says the doctor, "I had a very remarkable experience last
+night. A young fellow came to me and said he had swallowed a cent and I
+made him cough up two dollars."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+That doctor has a son that beats anything you ever heard tell of. He has
+made all his money on apples.
+
+No, he don't grow them. He's a doctor.
+
+It's little green apples I'm talking about now.
+
+When leaving, the doctor told me I must take to automobiling and I would
+soon get well. I told my wife about it.
+
+"Doc is simple to throw money away like that," says she.
+
+"Don't worry about that," says I. "He charges double price for surgical
+visits."
+
+"Well," says she, "with all his faults, Dr. Brown has never had a
+patient die on his hands."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Get out," says I, "is that so?"
+
+"Yes," says she. "When he sees that they are doomed, he sends them to a
+specialist.
+
+"Oh, Walter!" says she. "By the way, are we all out of debt?"
+
+"Thank Heaven, we are," I replied.
+
+"Then let's give a swell dinner."
+
+"But that would throw us into debt again."
+
+"Of course it would, but what is the use of having good credit unless
+you can use it?"
+
+I suppose after that I ought to sing you my latest howling success,
+entitled "No New Proverbs for Your Willie Boy; or, Some of the
+Fifty-seven."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    They say that if you have too many cooks
+      You ruin your Sunday joint;
+    But if you give them nothing to cook
+      The proverb loses its point.
+
+    They say that if you're a rolling stone
+      You'll pass through the poorhouse door;
+    But Germany's doing a roaring trade,
+      And her travelers say they'll do more.
+
+    They say that if you go early to bed
+      You'll prosper, if early you'll rise;
+    But if you held gas shares, and other folks
+      Did the same, would that be so wise?
+
+    They say that you shouldn't throw stones about
+      If your house is made of glass;
+    But if it's insured for more than its worth
+      The proverb will hardly pass.
+
+    The point is just this: that proverbs, though wise,
+      Are changed by modern inventions;
+    And to add to this bushel of old-time lies
+      Would give rise to mighty dissentions.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Say, do you know I'm always afraid to carry that song about with me, for
+fear that some burglar will follow me home and steal it while I'm
+asleep.
+
+The truth is I'm somewhat afraid of burglars.
+
+The other night my wife woke me up and said:
+
+"Walter, Walter, there are burglars in the house."
+
+"All right, just take a light and turn them out," says I.
+
+"I'm afraid they might run away with me," says she.
+
+"No fear of that if you take a light," says I. "By the way, dear, do you
+knew that a Washington man was shot by a burglar and his life was saved
+by a pajama button, which the bullet struck?"
+
+"Well, what of it?" says she.
+
+"Nothing," says I, "except that the button must have been on."
+
+Well, she wailed and went on so bad, that I had to go down and see what
+the racket was.
+
+I went into the dining-room and there stood the burglar.
+
+"Hold up your hands," says he.
+
+"I'm darned if I do," says I. "My wife rules me by day, and you're not
+going to butt in and do it by night."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I grabbed a chair and went at him.
+
+We finally compromised.
+
+He was to take everything of any value if he would only let me--I mean
+if I would only let him up.
+
+He took all the silverware off the sideboard and began to pack it up.
+
+Just then my little Josephine called from the cradle.
+
+"Say," says my visitor, "I've spotted this house for two weeks and
+didn't know you had a baby. If you call that sharp-nosed woman, wifie,
+and that kid yonder, baby, I guess you're blessed enough and in need of
+sleep. Let's call it a draw. Thank Heaven I ain't married."
+
+"You'll be sorry you didn't get married, if you don't," says I.
+
+"That's all right," says he, "I'd a heap rather that I wasn't, than be
+married and sorry that I was."
+
+Well, after much mutual congratulation, the midnight visitor finally
+took his leave.
+
+I was about to go upstairs, when I heard talking down in the basement.
+
+I thought that perhaps there were a few more poor devils down there who
+would sympathize with me, and went down to make their acquaintance.
+
+I was mistaken.
+
+It was only my servant, Bridget, talking to a policeman stationed on the
+beat.
+
+I have a friend who had a very wild son about sixteen years of age. He
+could do absolutely nothing with him.
+
+One day the youngster was offered a job in a big tinware factory.
+
+His father, thinking it might tone him down a bit, consented to let him
+go.
+
+The first Saturday night the kid lost his week's wages in a crap game
+and was afraid to go home.
+
+Finally he hit upon a bright scheme. He took his trousers, turned them
+inside out and had them galvanized.
+
+That night he went home and his father prepared to give him a spanking.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+He used his hand first, but the blow almost killed his father.
+
+Then he used a club, but failed to make any impression upon his son.
+
+Then he got out of patience and said to his wife:
+
+"Maria, confound it, get me a can opener."
+
+Now this same Billy got so educated in that factory, that he wanted to
+go West and shoot millionaires, so he just sloped.
+
+His father telegraphed all over the country, and then, as a last resort,
+rang up police headquarters.
+
+"Well," says the chief, "it ought to be easy to find him. Has he any
+marks by which he can be identified?"
+
+"N-o-o!" says the father. "But confound him, just let me get a hold of
+him and he will have."
+
+They finally located Willie comfortably settled on a farm. There was a
+job open and he advised his father to come out and take it, and make a
+few million growing wheat for the food trust.
+
+His father went and they got along swimmingly.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+One day a neighbor came across Willie hustling like old Sam Hill to
+reload a wagon of hay which had overturned.
+
+"Well, Willie, I see you are in trouble."
+
+"Yes," says Willie, working for dear life.
+
+"Suppose you come to the house and have dinner with me," says the
+neighbor.
+
+Willie wouldn't hear of it. The man finally persuaded him to go.
+
+All the way to the house and at dinner Willie kept saying:
+
+"I shouldn't have come. I know dad won't like it."
+
+"Why," says the neighbor, "your father will never know unless you tell
+him."
+
+"I know, I know," says Willie, "but I'm sure father won't like my going
+to dinner with you."
+
+"Darnation," says the neighbor, now thoroughly worked up. "Why won't
+he?"
+
+"Well, you see," says Willie, "dad's under the load of hay on the road."
+
+Speaking of Willie puts me in mind of another boy I know.
+
+He's the brightest chap for his years to be found in a day's walk.
+
+Why, when the boy was six months old, he howled all night and slept all
+day.
+
+They fooled him though, by putting an electric light in front of his
+parent's door, while he slept one day.
+
+When he woke up to give his usual nightly concert, he found the room as
+bright as day.
+
+He just turned over and went to sleep again.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+That boy is a genius though, in his way.
+
+Why, do you know that they have had thirty-four examinations since he's
+been going to school, and he's managed to dodge every one of them.
+
+I went down to one of the big department stores the other day and met my
+old friend Matt Wheeler looking over some furniture.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Hello, Matt," says I, "how's Mamie?" Mamie is his sweetheart, you know.
+
+"Oh!" says Matt, "I've thrown her over."
+
+"Well, that was a foolish thing to do," says I. "Mamie was a good and
+beautiful girl."
+
+"I know it," says he, "but her father offered to give us enough money to
+furnish a home, if we got married. I'm going with another girl now."
+
+"What sort of a girl is she," says I, and that started him off.
+
+Have you ever noticed how easy it is to start a fellow extolling the
+virtues and graces of his chosen before he is married?
+
+If you ask him how his wife is after the ceremony, all you get out of
+him is something resembling a grunt.
+
+Well, this fellow rambled.
+
+"She's an angel. She isn't like other girls. She's got the loveliest
+complexion. The handsomest face, the finest figure, the sweetest nature
+that ever woman had."
+
+"Good," says I, "but how about her feet?"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Feet, man," says he, "what are you talking about? Are you demented?"
+
+"No," says I, "but you ought to have looked at her feet."
+
+"What has her feet got to do with it?" says he, "I'm marrying the girl,
+not her feet."
+
+"That's right," says I, "but you'll get her feet thrown into the
+bargain. Never marry a club-footed girl, because she's always got
+something to hit you with in case of an argument."
+
+Even that didn't shut him up.
+
+"Let me tell you how I got engaged to her," says he.
+
+"Go ahead," says I.
+
+"I was down to her house one night and stayed until almost one o'clock.
+
+"Finally her old man hollered downstairs and asked the girl if I didn't
+think it was about time to go to bed.
+
+"I hollered up that it was all right, I'd excuse him if he wanted to go.
+
+"Then we got talking about birds, birdlets and birdies.
+
+"I said I loved birdies of all kinds.
+
+"She tore over to the piano and began to play: 'I Wish I Were a Birdie.'
+Yes, we're looking for a nest now."
+
+Now I'm going to sing you a song about this foolish couple.
+
+Just sit back and hold tight.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It's entitled "What a Difference When the Preacher Says You're Wed; or,
+I Wonder Why Mary Jones Married a Man Twice Her Age."
+
+    He has ceased to call her "darling,"
+      She has ceased to call him "dear";
+    He has ceased composing sonnets
+      To her "shell-like little ear."
+
+    She has ceased to hurry madly
+      To the mirror when he calls;
+    He has ceased to buy her chocolates
+      And ice cream at high-toned balls.
+
+    This is not because these lovers
+      Have been mixed up in a row--
+    No, the plain truth is that they
+      Are a married couple now.
+
+That song always makes me sad.
+
+It's founded upon one of my actual experiences.
+
+I was a married man, once, though I may not look it.
+
+One night I came home late and knocked at the door.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+My wife shoved her head out of the window, and says:
+
+"Is that you, Billy, dear?"
+
+My name's not Billy. I got divorced.
+
+Talking of graveyards, I took a trip to Philly last week.
+
+Say, I never had such fun since I sold my automobile.
+
+The circus began at Hoboken and continued all the way down.
+
+When I got to the station I noticed an Irishman sitting out of harm's
+way, holding his jaw.
+
+"What's the matter, old man?" says I; "toothache?"
+
+"Yes, bedad," says he, "but I'm going to get rid of it."
+
+He got a strong piece of twine, tied one end to the offending molar, and
+the other to the rail of the last car of the Washington express.
+
+Soon the train started.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The twine held and so did the tooth.
+
+You never saw any one run to beat that fool Irishman. He had Duffy
+beaten to death.
+
+Finally after he had run a two-mile straight-away, the cord snapped, but
+the tooth stayed in. Pat came back.
+
+"Be jabbers," says he, "the dum thing fooled me that time, but I'll get
+even. I'll go to a dentist."
+
+I got on my train and took a seat in the forward car.
+
+Just opposite, a very stylish, rather beautiful lady sat next to a
+clerical-looking chap.
+
+When the conductor came around for her ticket, she fumbled for her
+purse, then grew pale and gasped:
+
+"I've been robbed. There is nothing in my pocket but a piece of orange
+peel, some cloves, and a bottle of whiskey."
+
+Then she began to throw the articles on the floor.
+
+"Madam," said the deep bass voice of the clerical-looking chap, "I'll
+thank you to take your hands out of my pocket and leave its contents
+alone."
+
+Then I began to look around for some other diversion, and got it.
+
+In front of me sat an old gentleman with a man-servant in attendance.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+He was greatly bothered by a fly, which used to go in one ear and out
+the other.
+
+You know how they do, sometimes.
+
+The fly had made ten laps, and was comfortably along on its eleventh,
+when the old fellow called his servant.
+
+"John," says he, quietly, "catch the little creature as gently as
+possible and put it out of the window. Don't hurt it, though, or I shall
+be angry."
+
+John, who evidently knew his master's weakness, caught the bothersome
+fly and carried it to an open window.
+
+"Ah, master," pleaded he, "just look, it is beginning to rain. Shall I
+not give the poor little fly a mackintosh and an umbrella?"
+
+Just then the train stopped at a way station and I got off to get a bite
+to eat. As usual, I got left.
+
+While waiting, my attention was attracted to an elderly couple, who had
+approached the ticket agent as he came out of his coop.
+
+"Say, boss," says the old man, "can you tell me if the three-fifteen has
+left?"
+
+"Oh, yes," says the agent, "it went by ten minutes ago."
+
+"And when will the four-thirty be along, do you think?"
+
+"Not for some time, of course," was the answer.
+
+"Are there any expresses before then?"
+
+"Not one."
+
+"Any freight trains?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Nothing at all?"
+
+"Nothing whatsoever."
+
+"Are you quite sure?"
+
+"Of course I am, or I wouldn't have said so," yelled the agent.
+
+"Then, Maria," says the old man, "if we're quite careful, I guess we can
+cross the tracks."
+
+My train arrived a minute before it was scheduled to leave. A kid
+stepped up to the conductor.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Say, mister, there are two men on this train who came all the way from
+New York, and didn't pay any fare."
+
+The conductor thought that some fellows were beating the company and
+went through the whole train, but couldn't find any one who didn't have
+his proper ticket.
+
+So, seeing the kid, he says:
+
+"Hey, where are the two men?"
+
+"On the engine. The engineer and fireman," shrieked the kid.
+
+After the train got in motion, I suddenly espied my old friend Joe
+Dempsey, who is an insurance agent.
+
+"Hello, Joe," says I, "why so glum?"
+
+"Well, you see, Walter," says he, "I proposed to old Billion's daughter
+and she refused to have me."
+
+"Well," says I, "that's nothing. There are other girls."
+
+"Yes, of course," says he, "but I can't help feeling sorry for the poor
+girl."
+
+I looked around for something to throw.
+
+"Yes," he continued, "especially after the beautiful dream I had about
+her the other night. I dreamt that I had married her and that she had
+settled $14,000,000 on me."
+
+"Yes, and then you woke up," says I.
+
+"No," says he, "that's the funny part of it. I put that money in the
+bank."
+
+"Well, that's all right," says I, "but you'll have a dickens of a time
+in getting it out again."
+
+"That's easy," says he, "I'll just go to sleep again. I guess I'll do
+that now and draw some of the interest."
+
+We got to the city of the dead and, having nothing else to do, I went
+with Joe on a scout for business.
+
+While we were out in the suburbs, he struck a man putting up some kind
+of a building, for he had a large pile of bricks.
+
+"Good-morning, neighbor," says Joe. "I'd like to insure this new cottage
+you are putting up."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"It isn't a cottage at all," began the man.
+
+"Ah, well, my good man," says Joe, "if it's only a dog-house, you'd
+better have it insured."
+
+"Confound you," says the suburbanite, now in a rage, "get out of this.
+I'm rebuilding my well."
+
+Joe, soon after this, decided to stay in the carpetbaggers' city and
+take the agency of a large insurance company.
+
+One day there was a very destructive fire at Cohen &
+Wosislosmitdewhiskey's clothing store.
+
+Joe took the company's adjuster and went down to investigate.
+
+A good deal of discussion resulted, in which the cause of the fire
+figured principally.
+
+Cohen said it was due to the electric wiring, and his partner claimed it
+was the gas-light.
+
+Finally the adjuster called upon Joe to render his opinion.
+
+"Look here, Joe," says he. "This man claims it was the Arc-light and
+this fellow that it was the Gas-light. Now what do you think it was?"
+
+"Well," says Joe, "if you want my candid opinion, I think it was
+neither. I'll bet a dollar that it was the Israelite."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Joe at last got married and, when his son was still quite young, it
+bothered him somewhat to know just what trade or profession he ought to
+select for him.
+
+So at last he told his wife to get the boy a box of paints, a toy steam
+engine, a printing press, and see what the boy would take to most
+readily.
+
+When Joe got home at night, he asked his wife how the plan had
+succeeded.
+
+"Well, I'm a bit puzzled," says she, "he has smashed the whole lot to
+atoms."
+
+"The very thing," says Joe. "We'll make him a furniture mover."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+That didn't suit Mrs. Dempsey though, and she said they ought to have
+the boy a musician.
+
+"All right," says Joe, "we'll let him learn the clarionette."
+
+"Why, Joe!" says his wife. "Whoever heard of such a thing. I say, let
+him learn to play the violin. Think what an unhandy thing a clarionette
+is to carry."
+
+"That's right, my dear," says Joe, "but think what a darn handy thing it
+is in case of a scrap."
+
+Now I'll try to amuse you by singing my latest dead march, entitled "The
+Moth and the Flame; or, My Kingdom For a Fire."
+
+    They howl of the creature who uses the hoe,
+      Of the farmer behind the plow;
+    They warble a song to the horny palm,
+      And they garland the sunburned brow.
+
+    There's praise for the soldier behind the gun,
+      Who fights after others tire;
+    But here's to the victim of fate's worst blow,
+      The Hebrew who don't have a fire.
+
+    There's flame in his optic that bodeth ill,
+      There's a dangerous set of jaw;
+    There's a mighty unrest in his heaving chest,
+      And he scoffs at the moral law.
+
+    Then woe to the creature--or man, or beast--
+      That rouseth the smoldering ire
+    Of the Jew who heavily insures his place,
+      Then finds he can't have a fire.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+That song always gives my friend Rosensky a bad attack of indigestion.
+
+All the time I'm singing it he keeps moaning:
+
+"Dink if that vas me. Dink!"
+
+The time I was boarding, my landlady's name was Mrs. Closefist.
+
+One day she went to the grocery store and says:
+
+"I'd like to have some more of that bad butter you sold me last week."
+
+"Why," says the grocer, "if it was bad, what do you want more for?"
+
+"Well, you see," says she, "it lasts longer."
+
+This same woman had a calf. That calf was taken sick and died. We had
+veal for the next three weeks.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+She had a pig and that pig died. We had pork for the next four weeks.
+
+She had a mother-in-law. That mother-in-law was taken sick--but we
+fooled her, we all moved.
+
+One morning my egg wasn't fried right, so I blew the girl up.
+
+She blew the servant up, the servant blew the cook up, and the gasoline
+stove blew the frying pan up.
+
+It was a case of blow-up all around.
+
+Mrs. Closefist had a daughter named Jane, who was taking painting
+lessons at the time.
+
+She also took pains to let every one within a hundred miles know about
+it.
+
+One day she brought down a thing that looked to me like a green shutter
+in a cloud of steam.
+
+"Look here," says she, "isn't this pretty?"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"I'm enraptured," says I. "Such a wealth of detail, such a display of
+budding genius! The perspective is simply perfect.
+It-it-it--is--so--clever. Oh! confound it, I can't find words to express
+my admiration. By the way, what is it?"
+
+"Why," says she, "I am surprised. It represents a green field on a
+cloudy day. Can't I paint well?"
+
+"Fine," says I. "In fact you have done so well, I am going to recommend
+you to a friend of mine who wants a fence whitewashed."
+
+Mrs. Closefist, whose reputation for meanness was well known, was in the
+habit of giving a soiree once a year, "just to liven the boarders up."
+
+I don't know whether it made any of the other fellows particularly
+lively, but I know that on such occasions was the only time I ever
+managed to get any sleep.
+
+There were very few outsiders who attended, because the "racket" usually
+partook very much of the chief trait of the hostess.
+
+Once, when she was making preparations for one of these soul-stirring
+affairs, she says to me:
+
+"I'd like to give my guests a pleasant surprise. Something distinctly
+original."
+
+I thought a moment and then says:
+
+"Madam, countermand the invitations."
+
+That woman was the meanest thing in the form of a human being I ever
+struck.
+
+No, I'm wrong; for meanness I give the palm to a certain car driver.
+
+Once, when I was a kid, I footed it out to a resort near my home.
+
+The only cars that ran out there were those little "jiggers."
+
+Well, I was pretty tired when I got out, and didn't feel like walking
+back.
+
+So I asked one of the drivers to let me hitch behind.
+
+"Where's your fare?" says he.
+
+"Ain't got none," says I.
+
+"Then you can't ride," says he. "But look here, I'll tell you what I'll
+do. Take those buckets and go to that well up the road, and water that
+horse and I'll let you ride free."
+
+And he pointed to a skinny-looking little horse.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I got two buckets and the horse drank them off quick as a wink. I got
+four, I got six, I got ten, a dozen, always with the same result.
+
+Finally the fellow who owned the well refused to let me have any more
+water, and I went back and told the driver that the man who leased the
+Great Lakes from St. Peter had locked them up and gone to bed.
+
+"Well," says he, "you didn't fill your contract and I can't let you
+ride."
+
+As I was going away, a fellow stepped up to me and says:
+
+"You darn fool, they brought all the horses in the stable out and you've
+watered them one by one."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Say, I don't think I ever told you of the time I went to England. You
+see, I arrived at Liverpool and took the train for London.
+
+The train seemed to me to be going remarkably fast for that country and
+I got sort of uneasy.
+
+At the first stop, I went to the guard and said:
+
+"Say, this is pretty fast traveling, isn't it?"
+
+"Oh, no, you needn't be alarmed, we never run off the line here."
+
+"Oh, it's not that I'm afraid of," says I. "I'm afraid you'll run off
+your blamed little island."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+While out for a stroll the other afternoon, I reached the foot of a
+steep hill just in time to see a fellow with an automobile come skating
+down faster than he intended.
+
+When he had reached the bottom and the dust had settled, I walked over
+and asked him if he was hurt.
+
+He said he wasn't, but looked ruefully at his auto.
+
+"This darned thing cost a cool two thousand the other day, but I'd be
+willing to sell it for fifty now," says he.
+
+I looked it over and it seemed a pretty likely sort of machine and not
+very much hurt, so I took him up.
+
+He got out of the way mighty quick, and three minutes after he
+disappeared two mounted policemen came dashing up.
+
+"Ha!" says one of them, "we've got you. Come right along."
+
+Do you know, I had a deuce of a time in convincing them that it was not
+I who had stolen the machine?
+
+I went to a real old-fashioned wake the other night.
+
+It was the most entertaining innovation I ever attended.
+
+I got there pretty late and all the beer had flown down where the
+Wurzburger usually flows.
+
+I sat down beside my old friend, McGarrigan.
+
+"What, Mac, you one of the mourners, too?"
+
+"Whoi not?" says he. "Didn't the corpse owe me ten dollars?"
+
+"Well," says I, "cheer up."
+
+"I can't," says he, "the beer is all gone."
+
+Just then I saw his face brighten up.
+
+I followed the direction of his glance and saw it rested on a gallon
+jug.
+
+Mac got up quietly and took the jug into the hallway.
+
+He came back in ten seconds looking more mournful than ever.
+
+"What's the matter, Mac," says I, "was the jug empty?"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"No," says he.
+
+"Wasn't the wine good?" says I.
+
+"It wasn't wine," says he.
+
+"What was in the jug, Mac?" says I.
+
+He gave me a sheepish, sidelong glance and says:
+
+"Water."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mac is a boss carpenter.
+
+The other day he called his assistant and says:
+
+"Here, Jim, I'm going out for a few minutes and you can plane down this
+beam until I return."
+
+He pointed to a big beam about eighteen inches square.
+
+But, alas! when poor Mac got out on the street, he slipped and sprained
+his ankle.
+
+They took him home and it was the next day, toward evening, before he
+could hobble around to his shop.
+
+His assistant was nowhere in sight.
+
+The only thing that met his gaze, was an enormous pile of shavings.
+
+So he bawled out:
+
+"James!"
+
+"Hello," came the far off response.
+
+"Where are you?" says Mac.
+
+"Here under this pile of shavings," says Jim.
+
+"What are you up to, anyway?" says Mac.
+
+"Planing that beam. You told me to plane it until you came back. If you
+had come an hour later there wouldn't have been anything left of it."
+
+Poor Mac sprained his ankle again.
+
+Say, did you ever go to a dime museum?
+
+If not you want to take it in by all means. It's a sure cure for
+glanders.
+
+I went to one last week, and had more fun than if I came here and
+listened to these dispensers of heavenly harmony.
+
+Say, wasn't that last part fine? I'm coming up, I am!
+
+I hope to be in the same class as Chuck Conners some day.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Well, as I said, I went to this shelter for freaks and looked them over.
+
+There was the fat lady who was blown up twice a day with the air pump.
+
+A kid in front of me stuck a pin in her arm and punctured her.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+There was the living skeleton who was fed on pork and beans three times
+a day.
+
+There was the Circassian girl who paid twelve dollars for her wig.
+
+When we got to the glass eater, the real fun began.
+
+There was a yap and his wife standing where they could get a good view
+of the performance.
+
+They watched him, enraptured for a time, and finally the woman says:
+
+"Hiram, just look at that fellow eating window glass."
+
+"That's nothing," says Hiram, "our little Reuben can do the same thing."
+
+"G'wan," says the woman, "how's that?"
+
+"Why, if he eats little green apples, won't he have pains on the
+inside?"
+
+Then we passed on to the ventriloquist.
+
+"What's a ventriloquist, Hiram?" says Mandy.
+
+"Why," says Hiram, "it's a fellow what stands on one side of the room
+and talks to hisself from the other."
+
+But the climax came when we got to the wonderful wax figure, recently
+imported from Paris at the unheard of price of ten thousand dollars.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I looked that wax figure over and something about it struck me as being
+familiar.
+
+Finally it came to me all at once.
+
+It was Sim Johnson, who borrowed twenty dollars from me out in Chicago.
+So I went over.
+
+"Hello, Sim," says I. He never moved a muscle.
+
+"Don't you know me, Sim?" says I.
+
+"Go 'way," says he, without moving his lips.
+
+That made me mad as a hornet, and I says:
+
+"Go 'way? Not much. Who is the wall-eyed, bandy-legged, beer-guzzling
+harp, who borrowed twenty dollars from me, out in Chicago?"
+
+He never said a word. That got me madder.
+
+I continued to pay my respects in this fashion:
+
+"You miserable, consumptive-looking ingrate. You sea-sick-looking,
+despicable turkey hen; I'd like to kill you. You mean to rob me."
+
+"You lie," shrieked Sim, now warmed up.
+
+Then I had to run. He caught up a big glass case of butterflies and
+heaved it in my direction.
+
+But the way the butterflies flew wasn't a patch to the way I flew when
+the porters got hold of me.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Talking of wax men, puts me in mind of a fellow who lives in the flat
+opposite mine.
+
+He's about the most miserable specimen of a man I ever struck.
+
+His wife is always quarreling with him; he's always quarreling with his
+wife.
+
+When he proposed to her he said, as we all have said:
+
+"Darling, if you will only marry me, I will make you the best husband in
+the world."
+
+"Never fear, sweet," says she, "if I marry you, I'll make you that all
+right, all right."
+
+One afternoon, I heard her giving him a Sam Hill of a blow-up and met
+him in the hall soon afterward.
+
+"Say," says I, "why in thunder don't you assert your independence?"
+
+"Independence," he wailed, "why she won't even grant me home rule."
+
+"What were you scrapping about just now?" says I.
+
+"Well, you see," says he, "when I married her I told her I delighted in
+cleanliness. When I got home to-day, she told me she had just paid a
+dollar to have the coal bin scrubbed out and we expect a load of coal
+to-morrow. Then, too, she told me she had bought a dream of a hat at a
+bargain, and I asked her whether there ever was a time she didn't get a
+bargain, and she says: 'Yes, when I married you.'"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Well, late that night the unhappy couple got to scrapping again, and the
+worm turned and gave his wife a most unmerciful beating.
+
+I thought he was going to kill her, so I went in search of a policeman.
+
+I looked around for about an hour and finally located one talking to
+Billyon's cook.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Say," says I, "you're wanted around the corner. A man has nearly killed
+his wife."
+
+"How big is the man?" says he.
+
+"Oh, he's bigger than you."
+
+"Well," says he, "I'm sorry, old man, but it's off my beat."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I went to the race track the other day and met a bookmaker I know.
+
+"Hello," says he. "What brings you here? Do you know anything?"
+
+"No," says I, "if I did, I wouldn't be here."
+
+I finally placed a small bet on a couple of horses, and when the first
+race was run off, anxiously watched the ponies.
+
+They soon got so far away that I couldn't keep track of them, and
+noticing a fellow with a pair of field glasses next to me, who seemed to
+be seeing everything going on, I says:
+
+"How does Sunflower stand?"
+
+Sunflower was the horse I bet on, you know.
+
+"I don't know," says he, "I'm only watching the first ten horses."
+
+Just to liven things up a bit, I'll sing you a song entitled "Music On
+The Installment Plan; or, How Would You Like To Be The Piano Man?"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    "I love thee, ah, yes, I love thee,"
+      She sang in notes of joy;
+    And like a darned big fool
+      He married the maiden coy.
+
+    But now she never shrieks the song
+      She howled in days of yore;
+    She never thumps the keyboard now
+      Until her thumbs are sore.
+
+    Alas! upon her latest grand,
+      She never more will play;
+    She failed with the installments,
+      And they've taken it away.
+
+I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I sing that song, but I guess
+I'll laugh.
+
+Crying doesn't suit my complexion; then, too, I've enough to be sad
+about already.
+
+I live in the suburbs.
+
+You see if a man lives in the city, his wife always wants to go to some
+show or other, and that costs money.
+
+We have a fine lot of neighbors out our way, I can tell you. They're so
+friendly.
+
+The other day the woman next door stepped in, as I was coming to New
+York, and wanted to know if I wouldn't stop at Cooper & Siegel's and get
+her goods for a dress. I promised I would.
+
+When I got there, I found an old maid ahead of me.
+
+The shop-girl had evidently taken down almost every roll of cloth in the
+place, but as each new one was unfolded, the old maid would say:
+
+"No, no, I don't think that would do."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+All the rolls had been exhibited except one, when the old maid says:
+
+"Never mind taking that down, I won't buy any cloth to-day. I was only
+looking for a friend."
+
+"But, madam," says the girl, "if you think there's any possibility of
+her being in this roll, I'll open it up."
+
+Just as I was about to say that I wanted some kind of cloth that would
+suit a red-headed woman, a little dapper chap butted in and says to the
+girl:
+
+"Ah, darling Louisa, I have thought of you all week. How I love you
+dear. Will you give me your heart?"
+
+I was just drawing back my foot to give him a number eight where it
+would wake him up, when the girl says:
+
+"Certainly, dearest Harold. Cash! Cash!! Cash!!! Where will you have it
+sent?"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I was just about to say what I wanted, when another tall, lanky,
+moth-eaten-looking fellow stepped in and engaged the girl's attention
+for half an hour.
+
+Finally he turned and went out without buying anything.
+
+The floorwalker stepped up to the girl and says:
+
+"You let that man go out without buying anything."
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"He was at your counter for a half hour."
+
+"I know it," says the girl.
+
+"In spite of all the questions he asked, you rarely answered him."
+
+"I know it," says the girl, "but then, you see, I didn't have what he
+wanted."
+
+"And what's that?" asked the floorwalker.
+
+"Five dollars. He wanted me to subscribe to a life of Mark Hanna,
+compiled by a workingman."
+
+I finally got what I wanted and left the store.
+
+It was a very pleasant day and I thought I'd take a short walk.
+
+I came to a large building in the course of construction. Just outside
+was a crowd of workingmen who had some argument.
+
+I crossed over to see what was the matter and found two men pummeling
+each other unmercifully.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Finally the one who was getting the worst of it cried out:
+
+"Say, I thought this was to be a fair, stand-up fight?"
+
+"That's right," said a number of his companions.
+
+"Well, how the devil can it be a fair, stand-up fight if he keeps
+knocking me down all the time?"
+
+All at once a cop put in an appearance and arrested the principals, and
+some of the bystanders as witnesses.
+
+I thought I would see the thing out, so I went to court where one of the
+men entered the charge of assault against the other.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The whole crowd wanted to explain, but they only succeeded in getting
+the judge sadly mixed up.
+
+He told them to be quiet and addressed himself to one of the witnesses.
+
+"Now, look here," he says. "As the court understands it, the defendant
+here began the quarrel, because the plaintiff hurled a vile epithet at
+him. Was that the way of it?"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"No, your honor," says the man. "Nobody chucked an epithet. Mike called
+John a bad name and John heaved a brick at him. Nobody hurled nothing
+else."
+
+After leaving court one of my teeth pained me dreadfully, so I went to
+the dentist to have it attended to.
+
+He advised me to take gas.
+
+"All right," says I. "What is the effect of gas?"
+
+"Why," says he, "it simply makes you totally insensible. You don't know
+anything that's taking place."
+
+"Go ahead," says I, and I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out all
+the money I had.
+
+The dentist, thinking that I was about to pay him, says:
+
+"Oh, don't bother about that now. You have plenty of time."
+
+"That's all right," says I. "I just wanted to see how much money I had
+before the gas took effect."
+
+I took a walk up Broadway the other night and ran into my old friend
+Jenkins.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+After numerous liquid greetings, I asked him how Mrs. Jenkins was.
+
+"Well," says he, "she isn't well at all. You see, she had an awful
+experience last night.
+
+"I was out and she was all alone in the house. Suddenly she heard
+muffled footsteps on the porch. They came nearer and finally sounded in
+the dining-room.
+
+"Bravely she faced the midnight marauder, who pointed a pistol at her
+head.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"'Tell me where the money is hid,' he hissed, 'or I'll fire.'
+
+"'Never,' she answered determinedly. 'Villain, do your worst.'
+
+"'I will,' snarled the scoundrel, baffled but not beaten. 'Tell me
+instantly where that money is hid, or I'll drop this big woolly
+caterpillar down your neck.'
+
+"Two minutes later that darned burglar crept out of the house with my
+hard-earned money. I tell you, Jones, he was a genius."
+
+I left Jenkins.
+
+I had walked only a block when I met old Bilgewater, an English sea
+captain.
+
+He was delighted to see me and insisted that I take luncheon with him.
+
+We went to a nearby restaurant and sat down at a table near the door.
+
+I noticed as old Bilgewater sat down, he did it very stiffly. He didn't
+act as though he was at all comfortable.
+
+Pretty soon he reached into his hip pocket and brought out a large
+telescope.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"That's a pretty hefty thing to sit on, ain't it?" says he, by way of
+introduction.
+
+I said it was.
+
+"Well, I never let that 'scope out of my sight," says he.
+
+"Why?" says I. "Valuable?"
+
+"Yes," says he, "werry. It were given me by my old friend Nelson, in
+return for services rendered in licking the French."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Why, man," says I, astounded at the barefaced lie, "Nelson has been
+dead for over a hundred years!"
+
+"Well, well," says he, "so he has. How time does fly."
+
+I think it's almost time I warbled something. How's this?
+
+    She was a maid of high degree,
+      To her came wooing, suitors three,
+    The first was rich, as rich could be,
+      The second nobly born was he.
+    But nothing in the world had three,
+      In fact he was a nobody;
+    And this fair maid of high degree
+      Could not decide between the three.
+
+    So to their every sigh and plea,
+      She only answered, "Wait and see."
+    Until the rich one, off went he,
+      To wed in the nobility!
+    The poor young lord then met, you see,
+      A girl with hundred thousands three!
+    And this fair maid of high degree,
+      Was left with one instead of three.
+
+    So lonely and deserted, she
+      Was bound to smile on number three.
+    "He's nobody, of course," said she,
+      "I'll take and make him somebody."
+    So they were married, he and she,
+      And wisely, too, it seems to me.
+    'Twas Hobson's choice, as you can see,
+      'Twas either he, or nobody.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Now, considering that I've got to do some hundred-yard dashes up and
+down a twenty-foot flat with my youngest son, I think I'll say
+good-night.
+
+May your slumbers be more peaceful than mine.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+The End.
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Notes:
+
+
+The copy used as the basis for this digital edition was missing its back
+cover, so some advertising is omitted.
+
+Some questionable spelling (e.g. merangue, assult) has been retained
+from the original where other contemporary uses of the same spelling
+have been found.
+
+Some inconsistent hyphenation retained (working-man vs. workingman).
+
+Page 3, changed "Shakesperian" to "Shakespearian."
+
+Page 9, added missing comma after "then" in "Have some pancakes, then,"
+and fixed punctuation in: "I'm going to have some pancakes," says he.
+
+Page 11, changed "it's way" to "its way."
+
+Page 13, changed "it's shirt-sleeves" to "its shirt-sleeves" and
+"vituals" to "victuals."
+
+Page 15, changed "it's own way" to "its own way."
+
+Page 47, changed "decendant" to "descendant."
+
+Page 48, changed comma to question mark after "left him" and changed "so
+healthy. know why" to "so healthy, know why?"
+
+Page 61, changed "Mame" to "Mamie" and period at end of page to question
+mark.
+
+Page 65, added missing period after "whiskey."
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jiglets, by Walter Jones
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43419 ***