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@@ -1,40 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Jiglets, by Walter Jones - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Jiglets - A series of sidesplitting gyrations reeled off-- - -Author: Walter Jones - -Release Date: August 8, 2013 [EBook #43419] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JIGLETS *** - - - - -Produced by Demian Katz and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Images courtesy -of the Digital Library@Villanova University -(http://digital.library.villanova.edu/)) - - - - - - - - - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43419 *** S&S HUMOR LIBRARY No. 3 PRICE 25 CENTS @@ -53,7 +17,7 @@ of the Digital Library@Villanova University ILLUSTRATED - STREET & SMITH . PUBLISHERS . NEW YORK + STREET & SMITH · PUBLISHERS · NEW YORK @@ -2867,361 +2831,4 @@ Page 65, added missing period after "whiskey." End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jiglets, by Walter Jones -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JIGLETS *** - -***** This file should be named 43419.txt or 43419.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/3/4/1/43419/ - -Produced by Demian Katz and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Images courtesy -of the Digital Library@Villanova University -(http://digital.library.villanova.edu/)) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Jiglets - A series of sidesplitting gyrations reeled off-- - -Author: Walter Jones - -Release Date: August 8, 2013 [EBook #43419] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JIGLETS *** - - - - -Produced by Demian Katz and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Images courtesy -of the Digital Library@Villanova University -(http://digital.library.villanova.edu/)) - - - - - - - - - - - S&S HUMOR LIBRARY No. 3 PRICE 25 CENTS - - JIGLETS - - [Illustration] - - A SERIES OF - SIDESPLITTING - GYRATIONS - REELED OFF - - BY - - WALTER JONES - - ILLUSTRATED - - STREET & SMITH · PUBLISHERS · NEW YORK - - - - - "JIGLETS" - - A SERIES OF SIDESPLITTING - GYRATIONS REELED OFF.. - - By - WALTER JONES - - [Illustration] - - STREET & SMITH, Publishers - 238 William Street, .. New York - - - - - Copyright, 1903 - By STREET & SMITH - - Jiglets - - - - -IMPORTANT - - -DEAR READER: - -While an artist has been engaged at a great expense to illustrate this -volume of funniness, I want it distinctly understood that the -illustrations are purely ornamental and are not intended to be diagrams -of or keys to the jokes. - -Between you and me, any one of the jokes--if you like it--is worth -eleven times the price asked for the book. But, like the filigree work -on a lemon merangue pie, the decoration may not make the pie any more -palatable--but, it looks a whole lot better. - - Confidentially yours, - Walter Jones - - - - -JIGLETS - - -Ha! Ha! Ha! I am astonished. I didn't expect to find more than ten -persons in the house to-night, and I see there are eleven. - -[Illustration] - -I want to thank that gentleman in the first row--the man with the -vigorous growth of hair. It's such a relief to see a man with some hair, -in the front row. - -Say, I don't think I ever told you of the time I went with a -Shakespearian company to tour the New England States. - -Never knew I was an actor? Why, of course. - -Wouldn't have thought it? Neither would I, if I didn't know to what -extremes a man of my attainments may be driven, when his bread-basket is -empty. - -Well, I signed for a hundred a week and all expenses. - -I got expenses all right, part of the time, and had to employ one of -Pinkerton's men to look after the salary. - -[Illustration] - -Up to yesterday, he hadn't found it; but no actor who goes out of New -York town ever expects to get any salary, and I didn't. - -I played Hamlet, Egglet, Eyelet, Omelet and To Let. - -Every time I played Hamlet, I got an Egglet in the Eyelet, and I saved -them up and made an Omelet, which caused such a disturbance among the -other boarders, that my landlady told me my room was To Let. - -I was in hard luck all around. - -The worst blow that ever struck yours truly, was when we hit a little -town in Maine called Haystack Mountain. - -People there didn't appreciate good acting and the show went busted. - -Well, the manager had an urgent engagement with a sick friend in New -York, and he left us high and dry. - -[Illustration] - -Some of the girls wept a little and asked how far it was to the railroad -station. - -I didn't ask how far it was to the station. I knew what to do. I began -to walk. - -Do you know, I never struck such a confounded lot of ties in all my -life. - -The railroad must have employed non-union help. You couldn't judge them -at all. You'd strike a lot that were three feet apart and think they -were all that way. You'd go to sleep until you struck one at a four-foot -interval; then you'd wake up pretty quick and murmur gentle nothings -about the company. - -About the second day out, I landed at the town of Bridgewater. I walked -into the only hotel of the place and thought I'd bluff 'em a little. - -"What are the rates?" says I. - -"Five dollars a day and up," says the clerk. - -"Oh, come off," says I, "I'm an actor." - -"In that case," says he, "it's five dollars a day, down." - -Toward evening, I came to a siding where a lot of box-cars were stalled. -I crept on one of the trucks and went to sleep. I woke up to find I was -traveling at the rate of forty miles an hour. - -[Illustration] - -Suddenly I became aware that I had a visitor, and I knew my visitor had -visitors, too--because I could hear him scratching. - -"Say," says I, "who the dickens are you and what do you want?" - -"Look here, young feller," says the visitor, "I'm Cornelius Vanderbilt -out for a spin in my new automobile, and I won't be disturbed by the -likes of you." - -"Where do you come from?" says I. - -"Maryland," says he. "My father is a great farmer down there. He raised -a cabbage last year that weighed four hundred pounds. Now, who are you?" - -"Why," says I, "I'm Admiral Dewey on a tour of inspection in my private -car. I'm going back to Brooklyn Navy Yard to superintend the -manufacture of a boiler, so large that it takes two hundred and fifty -men to drive one of the rivets." - -"Go slow, there," says he. "What could they do with a boiler so large as -that?" - -[Illustration] - -"Why," says I, "they're going to boil that cabbage your father raised." - -After a little while he told me his name was Percival Reginald Van -Dusenberry. He was an actor, but he had been walking longer than I. - -When we struck the town of Grafton, we got off our Pullman, and began -looking for the graft. - -Percy went up to a cottage and rapped at the door, intending to ask for -some cold victuals. - -A hand shoved out and gave him a roll of green-backs. Percy was -dumfounded, but took to his heels. - -When we were about two miles away, Percy looked at me, and said: - -"Those lobsters took me for the landlord." - -We located a restaurant presently, and sat waiting at a table for an -hour and a half. - -Finally, Percy said to the fellow behind the desk: - -"Are you the proprietor of this hash house?" - -"Yes," says he. - -"Well, then I want to know if you sent your waiter away, when you saw us -coming, so you could charge us for a night's lodging." - -Just then the waiter came in. - -"Say," says I, "do you know we have been waiting here for an hour and a -half?" - -"That's nothing," says he, "I've been waiting here for ten years." - -He placed a carafe of water on the table. - -[Illustration] - -"Look here," says Percy, "I never drink water unless it's absolutely -pure and healthy. Is this all right?" - -"Sure," says the waiter. - -Percy took a glassful, and most of it was pollywogs. - -"Look here," says he, "I thought you said this water was healthy. Look -at those bugs." - -"That only proves what I said," says the waiter. "If it wasn't healthy -the bugs couldn't live in it." - -Just then Percy's eye caught a sign that read: - -"All the pancakes you can eat for ten cents." - -"I'm going to have some pancakes," says he. "What's yours?" - -"Chicken," says I. - -Percy kept eating pancakes. - -When he had eaten twenty plates the boss of the joint began to get -interested. - -[Illustration] - -Percy was certainly getting the biggest ten cents' worth I ever saw, -when he stepped over and says: - -"Don't you think you have had enough?" - -"Just one more plate and then--" says Percy. - -"Then what?" says the boss. - -"Then you can tell the cook to make them a little bit thicker," says -Percy. - -I tried to chew my chicken, but couldn't get it down. I managed to catch -the waiter on his fifteenth lap between the kitchen and Percy's plate, -and says: - -"Waiter, this chicken is awfully tough." - -"Have some pancakes, then," says Percy. "They're good and come cheap." - -"Well," says the waiter, "that chicken always was a Jonah. When we -tried to kill it, the darned thing flew to the top of the house and we -had to shoot it." - -"Oh, that accounts for it," says I. "Your aim was bad and you shot the -weather cock by mistake." - -Percy finally got enough pancakes and paid his ten cents like a man. - -[Illustration] - -We traveled along the road that leads from the hash house, and met a -farmer with a gun. - -"Say," says I, "have you seen anything worth shooting around here?" - -"Not until you came," says he. - -I don't blame him though. - -Talking of shooting, I don't think I ever told you of the time I went -shooting with Teddy. - -Teddy is a great shot, but he can't compare with me. I'm going to sing -you a song about it, entitled: - -"Snap Shot, Half Shot, All Shot; or, It Costs Money To Get Loaded." - -[Illustration] - - On the farms there's consternation, - And there's wide-spread agitation, - For the hunting season's opened up again. - In the paths and in the by-ways, - In the woods and in the highways, - There are packs of dogs and scores of shooting men. - - Now and then a pig is squealing, - Or a hen or rooster keeling - Over suddenly in some sequestered spot. - Upon a close examination, - You may glean the information, - That by some lobster of a gunner it was shot. - - Now and then a cow is snorting, - And around a field cavorting, - All because a load of shot has come its way. - Now and then a horse is rearing, - And in greatest pain appearing, - For it stopped another charge that went astray. - - 'Tis no wonder that the granger - Growls each time he sees a stranger, - Prowling through the woods and fooling with a gun; - For the shooting is alarming, - To the man who does the farming, - And he won't rest easy till the season's done. - -[Illustration] - -That's a very fine song, I'll admit. Percy is just dead in love with it. -He makes me sing it about ten times a day. - -He says he can sympathize with the horses and cows, for he has "stopped -many a charge that went astray" and knows how it feels. - -We left the farmer with the gun, and Percy began to get woefully dry. - -"Great Scott," says he, "I'd give almost anything for a drink of -whiskey." - -He spied an old gent with a kind face, tottering along the road. - -[Illustration] - -"Just wait a minute," says Percy, "I'll see if that old gent carries a -pocket flask." - -So he went over and says: - -"Kind sir, can you give a poor man who has heart trouble a drop of -whiskey?" - -"You should not drink that stuff," says the old man, "why do you do it?" - -"Because I'm thirsty," says Percy. - -"Then why don't you drink milk?" says he. "Milk, you know, makes blood." - -"But," says Percy, "I'm not blood-thirsty." - -"The doctors," continued the old man, "say that whiskey ruins the coat -of the stomach. What would you do if that happened in your case?" - -"I'd mighty soon make the darn thing work in its shirt-sleeves," says -Percy. - -We walked on and saw a farmhouse through the trees. - -Percy went up to ask for some cold victuals and actually got the cold -shoulder. - -Then we struck the town of Freysburg. There's where poor Percy got fried -to a rich, golden brown. - -[Illustration] - -It happened this way. - -We saw a large tent in which a revival meeting was going on. - -"I'm going to take part," says Percy. - -I tried to dissuade him, but it wouldn't go. - -The deacon looked him over and says: - -"Will the brother relate his experiences?" - -I judged that Percy would have a very large contract on his hands, but -he went at it like a man. - -Everybody was shouting something, so every time Percy said anything, I -shouted: - -"Thank Heaven for that." - -"Ladies and gentlemen," says he, "I've been a villain of the deepest -dye." - -"Thank Heaven for that," says I. - -Percy looked at me and continued: - -"Often I have felt tempted to commit suicide." - -"Thank Heaven for that," says I. - -"I'm heart and soul in the noble cause, but I'm penniless." - -"Thank Heaven for that," says I. - -Percy went on: - -"I know that these noble men and women will raise a subscription to -enable me to carry out my aims." - -"Thank Heaven for that," says I. - -Say, the way Percy got money surprised me. - -[Illustration] - -Finally, we got clear of the tent and just sloped for it. - -The next town a constable was waiting for us. - -He spotted Percy right away. - -"You're wanted for obtaining money under false pretenses," says he. - -He took Percy to the court, which was held in the rear of a grocery -store. - -Going in, I knocked a big cheese off the counter and stooped to pick it -up. - -"That's all right," says the grocer, "it knows its own way around the -counter by this time." - -The judge asked Percy what his profession was. - -"I'm an actor," says Percy. "When I'm on the stage I become so absorbed -in my part that the theatre vanishes, the audience disappears----" - -"Yes," commented the judge, "they go out and ask for their money back. -What were you before you became a loafer?" asked the judge. - -"I was a gentleman," says Percy. - -"That's a good business, but you're not the only one who failed in it," -says the judge. "Now what have you to say in your defense?" - -"I must wait till my lawyer arrives," says he. - -"Why," says the judge, "you were caught red-handed with the goods on. -What could your lawyer say that would influence my decision?" - -"That's just what I want to find out," says Percy. "But give me a little -time and I will explain all." - -"All right," says the judge. "Six years at hard labor. I hope you will -be able to explain when you get out, or back you'll go for another six." - -[Illustration] - -I was so afraid that the judge would give me time to explain why I was -with Percy that I started to run and didn't stop until I got to Boston. - -Now I'm going to sing you a little song, entitled: "He Made a Foolish -Break And Got The Laugh; or, Wedded Persons' Compliments." - - Said a young and tactless husband - To his inexperienced wife: - "If you would but give up leading - Such a fashionable life, - And devote more time to cooking-- - How to mix and when to bake-- - Then, perhaps you might make pastry - Such as mother used to make." - - And the wife, resenting, answered - (For the worm will turn, you know): - "If you would but give up horses - And a score of clubs or so, - To devote more time to business-- - When to buy and what to stake-- - Then, perhaps, you might make money, - Such as father used to make." - -[Illustration] - -There! I'm greatly relieved now that I've got that song off my mind. I -was afraid I might break down, because it's so touching. - -Talking of relief, puts me in mind of a friend of mine who wanted to be -relieved, in the worst way, of a barrel of over-ripe sauerkraut. When I -heard his tale of woe, I laughed so that I had to go and buy a new pair -of suspenders. - -You see, he had a German friend who had the kraut and didn't know what -to do with it, so he offered to send it home to my friend Jenkins. -Jenkins accepted and stored it in his cellar. - -[Illustration] - -The next day, the fellow upstairs, named McCarthy, came down and raised -thunder with his wife. When Jenkins came home he heard all about it. He -went upstairs and saw the offender. - -"Say," says he, "I understand you object to the smell down in my -cellar." - -"No," says McCarthy, "I don't object to it down there, but when it opens -the cellar door and creeps upstairs I do object. It kept me awake all -last night." - -"Well," said Jenkins, "I'll put it out in the yard behind the dog -house." - -[Illustration] - -And he did. - -The next morning he went out to feed the dog and found him--dead. - -That day nine families moved out of Jenkins' flat, and the tenth was -just going when he donated the kraut to an orphan asylum. The orphans -broke loose and took leg bail. - -There wasn't any one but the janitor to feed it to and he threatened to -quit. - -The last Jenkins heard of the kraut, it was about to be shipped to Dick -Croker to sod his lawn at Wantage. - -I came near being put under the sod myself the other day. - -I heard that one of my best and oldest friends, J. Fishpond O'Morgan, -was down with rheumatism in his arm, so I went around to see him. - -As soon as I showed my face in the door, Fishpond howled: - -"I'm saved." - -I did not know what he was driving at, so I said: - -"Sure." - -"I want you to do me a favor," says he. "Go around to Prof. Sockem's and -tell him to give you some of the usual medicine." - -I went to old Sockem's, and just caught him in. - -"Doctor," says I, "my friend O'Morgan sent me around for some of the -usual for gout." - -"All right," says he. "Arm, I suppose. Just roll up your sleeve." - -I thought I had struck a maniac, so I tried to humor him. - -[Illustration] - -He came back with a suspicious-looking black bottle and I thought I was -a gone goose sure. You see, I had heard so much about the black bottle. - -He grabbed my wrist in a grip of iron, poured some of the black bottle -stuff on my arm and began to rub it, gently. - -Then he began to rub harder and faster, and I could see my arm swell up -like a pillow under the fearful treatment. - -I kicked, and finally managed to break loose. - -"You confounded scoundrel," I says, "what do you mean by assulting me?" - -"Assulting you?" says he; "you wanted some of the usual and you got it -good and hard, but let me sell you some of my medicine for swollen arms. -It's the best thing in the world for such cases." - -Did you ever notice what a lot of trouble a simple, little girl may -make? Oh! you girls. You're never happy unless you're making some poor -lobster show how much money he has, by blowing it in on you. - -[Illustration] - -You know, though, girls, I appreciate you, if no one else does. - -If it weren't for you, I'll bet a dollar to Rockfeller's oil-can that -none of the young fellows I see here to-night would have ever thought -of coming here. - -Now I'm going to sing you a little warble entitled: - -"What a Surprisingly Fresh Man That Jones Is; or, I'd Like to Meet Him -Outside." - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - Many a man has often cussed, - For only an innocent maid; - Many a bank has gone in the dust, - For just an innocent maid; - Many a judge has not been just, - To only an innocent maid; - Many a saint went on a bust, - For just an innocent maid. - - Cho. When Johnny goes to his lady's house - She greets him with a smile; - At once she starts the glim to douse - So he can propose in style. - - Many a milkman has got the sack, - For only an innocent maid; - Many a dude has been knocked on his back, - For just an innocent maid; - Many a doctor has had to quack, - For only an innocent maid; - Many a dollar is won on the track, - For just an innocent maid. - - Cho. When Johnny takes her to the altar, - He may think it's for his good, - In his opinion soon he'll falter, - When she makes him split the wood. - - Many a cop has left his beat, - For only an innocent maid; - Many a gambler has had to cheat, - For just an innocent maid; - Many a commuter has given his seat, - To only an innocent maid; - Many a lover has known pa's foot, - For just an innocent maid. - - Cho. Johnny thinks he's caught a prize, - When he's only been married a week; - But when she feeds him on apple pies, - He feels like taking a sneak. - -[Illustration] - -Did you hear that peculiar toot the fellow with the big horn gave when I -finished up? - -That means "Rotten" in his low vocabulary. He's got a grudge against me. - -Once, when he didn't occupy his present high position, he came to me and -wanted me to stake him the price of the horn he just insulted me with. - -"What!" says I. "Are you going to learn to be a blower? Don't you think -you are nuisance enough already?" - -You see, I wanted to save the money. He stood firm though, and I had to -cough up. - -About a week later he came around looking a perfect wreck. His eye was -closed, his head bandaged, and his clothes in shreds. - -[Illustration] - -"What's the matter?" says I. "Couldn't you manage the horn." - -"Well, you see, Brother Jones," says he, "I could manage the horn all -right, but I could not manage the neighbors." - -This same fellow is a bird fancier. He breeds all kinds of birds. - -I asked him to blow me to a small hot bird and a cold bottle now that -he was so wealthy, and the stare he gave me was so cold that it froze -the highball I carry in my pocket flask. - -I don't care, though, if I didn't have the hot bird I had a cold bottle. - -He has a great flock of homing pigeons. - -The other day he bet a fellow named Robinson, that he could select two -out of the bunch that would come home no matter where they were taken. - -[Illustration] - -Robinson thought a while, and then said he'd bet they couldn't come home -from Coney Island. I held the stakes. - -When the birds were selected and put in the basket, Robinson slyly -clipped their wings. - -The next day the fellow came to me and claimed the bet. - -"What!" says I. "Did those birds come home?" - -"Sure," says he. "But their feet are awfully sore." - -Say, the other night I was coming down from Yonkers in a trolley car. - -No, I wasn't loaded. Do you think every fellow who goes to Yonkers, has -to get loaded to drown his sorrow? No, I was quite sober. - -One fellow got up in a hurry to leave and brought up plump against a -stunning Fire-Island Cinnamon-Bear blond, on the platform. - -[Illustration] - -"It's a wonder you wouldn't be careful," says she of the red cranium. - -"I am," says he, "but I was dazzled by your head-light." - -The ruddy complexioned damsel came in and sat beside me. - -In the natural course of events we got to talking and swapped childhood -memories. - -She told me that she was married, but didn't live with her husband. - -"In that case," says I, "you must be a grass widow." - -"Why, yes," she assented. "By the way, are you a lawn mower?" - -[Illustration] - -I hastened to assure her that I was a married man. - -"Do you know," she says, as we were crossing the Harlem River, "I was -walking over this bridge one time and suddenly a man ran up, seized me, -and before I could cry out, hurled me over the rail." - -"Can you swim?" says I. - -"No," says she. - -"Then how were you saved?" - -"Well, you see, I walked ashore." - -"Walked ashore," says I. "How could you walk ashore?" - -"Well, I had rubber boots on." - -I thought that was pretty hard on the Harlem. - -Say, that reminds me of a friend of mine who is the most spiteful cuss -alive. - -The other day he went to visit his uncle whose name is John Smith. He -hadn't been to see him in so long that he mistook the house, went up the -stoop of the house next door, and rang the bell. - -A maid came to the door, evidently very much out of humor. - -"Is this John Smith's house?" he asked. - -"No, it ain't," she snapped, and slammed the door in his face. - -Smith walked the distance of several doors, then went back and rang the -same bell. - -The identical girl came to the door, and Smith up and said: - -"Who the devil said it was John Smith's?" and walked away. - -Smith has a wife who is dead stuck on fortune tellers and palmists. - -The other day she called upon an East Indian Prince on Thompson Street -and had her fortune told. - -Among other things, he told her that she would have visitors soon who -would come to stay. She couldn't think who it could be. - -One night Smith came home, and his wife rushed up to him and cried: - -"Now, don't say again there is nothing in fortune telling. He told me -that we would have visitors who'd come to stay, and we have. Our cat has -just had kittens." - -[Illustration] - -Another time she went to a palmist, who rambled on telling her the usual -stuff they tell every one. - -Finally, she says: - -"There is a line on your hand that indicates you are a very beautiful -woman." - -"Does my hand tell that?" says Smith's wife. - -"Sure," says the palmist. "You don't suppose I could tell that by -looking at your face, do you?" - -Yeow--by James, I thought I heard a cat that time. - -[Illustration] - -Say, I had an accident with a cat the other night, and I'm nervous for -fear the S. P. C. A. will get after me. - -You see I came home pretty early and, just as I got my key in the door, -I heard something behind me. - -I didn't pay any attention, and as I opened the door that something -scooted past me and slipped upstairs. - -[Illustration] - -I took off my boot, got a light, and--the rest I'll tell you in my -latest sonata, entitled: - -"Oh, Bring Back My Tabby To Me." - - Not a mew was heard, not a feline note, - As his corpse to the back yard I hurried; - For I laid him low with my trusty boot, - And thought it was time he was buried. - So I sallied forth, in the dead of the night, - My head meanwhile cautiously turning, - For I feared that his mistress, the old maid next door, - Might catch on and give me a burning. - - No orthodox coffin enclosed the defunct, - Not in paper or rag did I wind him; - But I shoveled him into his cold, narrow bed, - Where no one was likely to find him. - Yes, softly she'll call to the spirit that's gone, - From his new home in vain to allure. - But little he'll care; for Tom will sleep on-- - He has an illness no doctor can cure. - -[Illustration] - -That's a pretty good song, if I do say so myself. I always feel like -laughing when I sing it, though. It reminds me of my dear departed -friend, Tom O'Moore. - -This Tom was the brightest fellow that ever lived. - -One day he was greatly troubled with an aching tooth. He went to the -dentist and exhibited his swollen jaw. - -"Which tooth do you want extracted?" asked the dentist. - -Tom pointed to a tooth opposite the swelling. - -"Why," says the dentist, "the swelling is on the other side." - -[Illustration] - -"Och," says Tom, "is it that small lump you mane, that's nothin'. That's -only where Bridget hit me with the lifter." - -Tom had the troublesome tooth taken out and left the place. - -Outside, he met his dear friend O'Holleran who, as he saw Tom, yelled: - -"I say, Tom, did you hear of the frightful miscarriage of justice that -McCarthy was the victim of?" - -"No," says Tom, "what was it?" - -"Well," says O'Holleran, "they locked poor Mac up for being drunk when -he was clane sober." - -"Begob," says Tom, "I don't belave it at all, at all. Mac must have been -drunk to let them lock him up when he was sober." - -"I say, Tom," says O'Holleran, "do you believe in drames?" - -"Sure, I do," says Tom. "Whoi?" - -"Then what's it a sign of when a married man drames he's a bachelor?" - -"Begob," says Tom, "it's a sign of disappointment--when he wakes up." - -"Do you know, Tom," says O'Holleran, "I'd give a hundred dollars to know -the exact spot I'm going to die on." - -"Whoi?" says Tom. - -"Whoi, you gossoon, I'd never go near the ould spot at all, at all." - -[Illustration] - -Tom and O'Holleran took a walk through the suburbs, and came upon some -blackberry bushes laden with half-ripe fruit. - -"I say," says O'Holleran, "what kind of bushes do you call those, Tom?" - -"Whoi, you fule," says Tom, "they're blackberries." - -"Get out," says O'Holleran, "they're red." - -"Sure," says Tom, "but every fule knows that blackberries are always red -when they're green." - -A little way beyond, they came to a crossroad. Tom said they ought to go -to the right and O'Holleran said to the left. - -They argued for a while, and Tom says: - -"I'll tell you what we'll do. You go by one and I'll take the other. If -I get home first, I'll put a chalk mark on the door, and if you get -there first you rub it out." - -[Illustration] - -Tom recently imported one of his poor relatives to this country. His -name was Pat Sullivan. - -Pat was a very thick Irishman, and as he had never seen a railroad in -Erin-Go-Bra-a-a-a-ha, he couldn't get it into his head how it worked. - -Finally Tom took him up a railroad track to explain the matter to him. - -When they were rounding a curve, between two high embankments, a train -came thundering behind them. - -[Illustration] - -"Run up the bank for your life," cried Tom, and set a good example by -doing it himself. - -Pat, however, dug straight down the track, and it was not long before -the train overtook him and hurled him forty feet away. - -"Ye lobster," says Tom, "whoi didn't you run up the bank as I told you?" - -"Begob," says Pat, "if I couldn't beat that bloomin' thing on the level, -what chance did I stand running uphill?" - -By the way, did you ever get into one of those lunch counter, -go-outside-and-get-something-fit-to-eat restaurants? I did, and it's a -regular circus. If you've never been, you want to take it in. - -The other day I had sixteen cents with which to get something to eat, -and I thought I'd chance it. - -[Illustration] - -I stepped into one of these holy terrors and sat down on a revolving -stool similar to those they have in dry goods stores. - -These seats are placed so closely together that your neighbor's business -is your own. - -You try to eat your soup. He nudges you and sends it back in your plate. - -He tries to eat his pork and beans. You nudge him and he fishes in his -vest pocket for pork, and down his shirt front for beans. - -Well, I picked up the bill of fare and glanced over it. Really, I -hadn't been out late for a week and I didn't know what to make of it. - -[Illustration] - -The first entree was: - -"Omelette a la Creole." - -"Good heavens!" I thought. "Do they slice Creoles and serve them as -omelettes?" - -I wasn't very anxious to find out. - -The next was: - -"Rice soup a la Bellevue." - -"Holy smoke, I have the rum habit so bad, I imagine I see Bellevue -everywhere I go. I wonder what would happen if I were to take that?" - -I got nervous and prepared to leave. - -The last thing I saw on the calender was - -"Croquettes a la D'Esprit." - -"That's it exactly," I thought, "they get so desperate in these places -that they hash up all the leavings and call them by their right name." - -When I passed the manager of the shebang, he says: - -"What's the matter? Are you dissatisfied with what you've had?" - -"Not a bit of it," says I, "it's what I haven't had that I am -dissatisfied with." - -When I got outside of the restaurant, who should I run into but my dear -friend, Rufus Sage. - -"Hello, Rufus," says I, "how's business?" - -"Candidly," says he, "it's rotten. I made only three millions this -morning, and I've got to get a new suit this afternoon that will cost -all the way from ten to fifteen dollars." - -"Too bad," says I. - -[Illustration] - -"Then, besides, I'm liable to be inconvenienced any time," he says, -"through an argument I had with a friend of mine this morning. He said I -was extravagant, and I said I wasn't." - -"Well," says I, "did you succeed in getting him to think the same as -yourself?" - -"Yes," says he, "but I may get arrested any minute for assult and -battery, and they'll fine me not less than five dollars." - -I don't think I ever told you of the awful time I had, when I went -yachting with my friend Rufus Sage, did I? - -Oh! It was a swell time, indeed. - -It began to swell the minute we struck the swell outside the harbor, and -my poetic soul swelled up within me in great shape. - -I was leaning over the rail looking at the beautiful green waves and the -reflection of my beautiful face in them (no, I wasn't doing anything -else), when my dear friend, Rufus, came to me and said: - -"Cheer up, old man, things will get pleasanter, when the moon comes up." - -"Darnation," says I, "it has come up, if I ever swallowed it." - -Right after that, we encountered a most terrific gale. The wind blew, -the storm howled, the ship tossed, and the lightning flashed. In fact, -we were in a devil of a mess all around. - -[Illustration] - -I found my ear in the captain's mouth and he was telling me something I -didn't want to know. - -The captain found my right boot exactly where it should have been under -the circumstances. - -The last thing I saw was Rufus running to his cabin to get a -two-for-five collar button he had left in his trunk. - -All hands got safely into the boat but me. There was so much of me -overboard already that I didn't care how soon my skeleton followed. - -Finally the ship sank and I found myself astride a big hogshead. I was -in an awful situation. - -Suddenly, I sighted a flagstaff with a flag attached, and within an hour -was in grabbing distance. - -[Illustration] - -"This," I says, "is all right. I'll put the staff in the bung-hole of -the barrel and fly a signal of distress." - -It flew fine, until a gust of wind took it away. But, as you know, I am -a man of resource. - -I took off my jacket and hoisted it in the place of the flag. - -Another gust of wind came and blew my jacket away. Then I hoisted my -shirt. That blew away and I hoisted my socks. Those followed, and I -hoisted my trousers. - -Say, but it was good I had that barrel. Those pajamas saved my life, -though. A week later a passing steamer caught sight of my signal of -distress and rescued me. - -The first thing I asked the captain was if Rufus had been saved. - -"Why," says he, "haven't you heard? He landed at Savannah and cornered -the cotton market to the tune of ten million dollars, but he says he's a -ruined man because he lost his yacht." - -Say, how do you stand on the servant question? I had a girl that beat -all outdoors for intelligence. - -The other day my wife went out to do some shopping and left Bridget in -charge of the house. - -When she returned she asked Bridget if any one had called for her. - -"Sure, mum," says she, "the babbie called for you all the while you were -gone." - -[Illustration] - -That night, when I came home to dinner, I couldn't eat a thing. -Everything that wasn't glowing embers, was charcoal. I gave my wife a -lecture and told her to fire the girl at once. - -My wife went down to Bridget's stronghold and said: - -"Bridget, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you'll have to find another place." - -"Whoy so, mum?" asked Bridget. - -"Well, my husband thinks there's too much waste in the kitchen." - -"For the land's sakes, if you'll only let me stay, mum, I'll get a -twenty-two corset and lace it until I can't breathe." - -One day a friend of mine came to me and says: - -"I see you have Bridget Harrohan around the house." - -"Yes," says I. - -"Do you know that she was in her last situation five years." - -"No," says I; "where was that?" - -[Illustration] - -"Sing Sing," says he. - -I went home and sent Bridget away. - -My wife, in sympathy, recommended her to one of her dearest friends. -That sympathy was beautiful to see. - -A little later Bridget came back and announced that the friend had -engaged her. - -"So the lady engaged you, at once, when you told her you had been with -me," says she. - -"Oh, yes!" says Bridget. "She said any one who could stay with you -three months, must be an angel." - -Say, I picked up a newspaper this morning, and I was astonished at the -great events that are taking place. - -I see that George Washington, colored, was appointed postmaster of the -town of Gooseberry, N. C., at 9:15 yesterday morning, took up his -situation at 9:30, and was lynched at 9:45. - -I see that Mark Hanna has donated two millions to be spent in buying -ice-cream and ginger snaps for the w-o-r-k-i-n-g-m-a-n. - -[Illustration] - -I had a terrible dream about Mark, last night. It was so terrible that I -got right up and dedicated a song to it. - -It's entitled: - -"What Did I Have For Supper; or, If I Knew What It Was I'd Eat It -Again." - -A low key, professor. Not a latchkey. - -[Illustration] - - I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls, - And lived in regal state; - That aldermanic feasts were mine, - Served up in Rogers' plate. - - I dreamt I once met dear old Ted, - And shook him by the hand; - He said he'd make the niggers - The first men in the land. - - I dreamt I saw Mark Hanna - In the Presidential chair; - He had J. P. Morgan seated - Right beside him there. - - I dreamt I saw coal king Baer - Stand out upon the street, - Giving tons of coal to all - Within a hundred feet. - - I dreamt I saw good Russell Sage - Give millions by the score, - To every poor man in the land, - And some came back for more. - - I dreamt that all the Vanderbilts - Had reduced the railroad fare, - And were giving round-trip tickets - To almost everywhere. - - I dreamt I had a fortune left - By dear old Harold Payne; - A hundred thousand down, or so, - The lawyers did explain. - - I dreamt the Senate quickly passed - The anti-combine laws; - And sent the trusts all limping off - With dislocated jaws. - - I dreamt that William Jennings Bryan - Was eventually elected; - They couldn't tell by just what means, - But Dave Hill was suspected. - - I dreamt I saw shrewd Tommy Platt - Give doughnuts to the poor, - And when they wouldn't take them - He threw them down the sewer. - - I dreamt our friends at Congress - Were running ten-round bouts; - That McLaurin went on with Tillman, - And scored some clean knockouts. - - I dreamt there was no grafting, - That politics were clean; - But then, you bet, I just woke up, - I knew that was a dream. - -[Illustration] - -Verily, verily, Republics and friends are ungrateful. - -Do you know, all the gentlemen I mentioned in that song I just sang are -my friends? - -Talking of friends, puts me in mind of an ungrateful cuss I once called -by this over-worked figure of speech. - -He met me on the street, slapped me on the back, and said: - -"Hello, old man!" - -"Hello!" says I, "what do you want?" - -"What do I want?" says he. "I want ten dollars." - -"That's an awful large sum of money, and I'm afraid I haven't got it to -lend," says I. - -"You've got it in the bank?" says he. - -"Yes," says I. - -"Now, look here," says he. "The Good Book teaches us that we are all -brothers." - -"Granted," says I. - -"Well," says he, "if I am your brother, by moral right what's yours is -mine, and what's mine is yours. If I had the money I'd give it to you so -quick it would take your breath away. Now, what you ought to do is to -draw that money from the bank." - -[Illustration] - -I rushed down to the bank, and says to the teller: - -"Is the cashier in?" - -"No," says he, "he's out. Are you a depositor?" - -"Yes," says I. - -"Then you're out, too; the police are on the trail now." - -I went back to Harris, and gave him the last cent I had. He promised to -pay me back in an hour. - -A month after I met him. - -"Say," says I, "how about that money I lent you? You said you only -wanted it for a short time." - -"That's right," says he, "I only had it for ten minutes. I went into a -faro game." - -Some time ago, Harris visited a tailor and had an overcoat made. He -wanted trust, and the tailor, of course, wanted references. - -Harris put up such a bluff that the tailor gave him the overcoat. He -certainly played his game to perfection. - -Then Harris wouldn't pay. - -The tailor came around and said: - -"See here, Harris, wasn't I kind enough to let you have that coat on -tick? And now you won't pay. I'm sure it was the best that I could make, -and it must have worn well." - -"Certainly," says Harris, "all my nephews wore it." - -"There, didn't I tell you it--" began the tailor. - -"Yes," said Harris, "every time it got wet it shrunk so that the next -youngest one could wear it." - -Then the fun began. - -[Illustration] - -The tailor put the bill into a collector's hands. - -The collector called upon Harris. - -"I'm sorry for you, old man," said the collector, "but your tailor has -put your account into my hands for collection." - -"Indeed, I'm so sorry for you. And you say you're going to try to -collect it eh?" says Harris. "Well, I am so sorry for you." - -The collector couldn't get a cent. Every time he called after that, -Harris threw him downstairs. - -Why, he got so after a while, that as soon as Harris appeared at the -door, he would rush to the stairs and throw himself down. - -Harris had him trained. - -The tailor hit upon a brilliant scheme. - -He hired a woman to collect the bill. - -Harris was in a dilemma. He couldn't throw a woman downstairs. - -He told me about it, and asked my advice, but I had none to give. - -The next time I met him he shook me by the hand and said: - -"I got around that woman-collector business all right. She never went -back to the bloomin' tailor after the second time she called." - -"Why," says I, "how did you manage it?" - -"Oh!" says he, "that was dead easy. I just married her." - -[Illustration] - -Did you ever strike one of those people who are dead stuck on their -lineage and have charts tacked on their bedroom door, showing how many -thousand years they can trace their ancestors? - -I struck a "she" specimen the other day. - -[Illustration] - -As soon as we were introduced, she says: "Jones, Jones, surely you are a -descendant of the famous family of Joneses, who had their origin in the -stone age and lived in a cave on the Palisades, about a mile from -Hoboken?" - -"I can't remember," says I, "it's so long ago and I have a poor memory." - -"Yes, but let us come nearer to the present generation," says she. "You -surely are a relative of the Joneses, the Milwaukee millionaires of the -same name." - -"Yes," I says, "a distant relative." - -"How distant?" she says. - -"As distant as they can keep me," says I. - -"Have you any poor relatives?" says she. - -"None that know me," says I. - -That got her mad. She says: - -"If I were your wife, I would put poison in your coffee." - -"And if I was your husband," says I, "I'd drink it." - -The other day I met Charlie de Hopen Dagen, the Scotchman, who had just -enlisted for service in the Philippines. - -"Hello, old man!" says he, "come and have a drink." - -I wasn't feeling very thirsty, but I went. - -It seemed to me that I had about ten thousand Manhattans, and then we -had nine thousand and forty-eight whiskey sours to counterbalance them -and try to sober up. - -[Illustration] - -Something made Charlie rampageous, and he began to scrap with the -barkeeper and almost killed him. - -I finally got Charlie, seeing four moons and ten gangplanks, on board -his vessel which was just about to leave. - -The next day I met his brother Jim. - -"Hello, Walter, I hear you saw Charlie off last night," says he. - -"Yes," says I, "he was very much off." - -"Was he in good spirits when you left him?" says he. - -"Sure," says I, "the best that money could buy. He was a little sick, -though." - -"I hope it wasn't anything contagious," says he. - -"If you could see the barkeeper up in Dan Mulligan's place," says I, -"you'd thought it was." - -Say, every one says Lakewood is so healthy, know why? - -I heard only the other day, from a man who knew all about it. - -I went down there, and the first thing I struck was one of those -watering carts, plastered over with a patent medicine ad. - -[Illustration] - -"Holy smoke!" says a fellow who stood beside me on the station. "No -wonder Lakewood is so healthy. They water the streets with Fakir's -Sarsaparilla." - -Did you ever notice that when you have been taking liquid refreshments -and are feeling good, and can't walk straight, then is the time you meet -all your dearly beloved friends who like to talk about you? - -The other night I went to a beer party, and when it got time to go home, -I felt pretty much so-so. - -I started out and the very first fellow I met was Jenkins. - -"Why, my dear Walter," says he, "I am surprised. Don't give way to -strong drink. Verily, verily, put it behind you." - -"Why, parson," says I, "I am very much surprised that you can't see that -I've got it behind me now. - -[Illustration] - -"Say," says I, "I fell down stairs last night, parson, with twenty -bottles of beer, and didn't break one of them." - -"Verily, verily," says he, "that was indeed marvelous. How did you -accomplish that extraordinary feat?" - -"I had them inside me," says I. - -The parson passed on and the next fellow I met was Dr. Brown of Spotless -Town. - -"What!" says he, "drinking beer again, friend Jones? I thought I told -you that every glass of beer you took put a nail in your coffin." - -"Can't give it up, doctor," says I. "Then, too, what does it matter -after you're dead and gone if your coffin is as full of nails as the new -East River Bridge is full of rivets." - -I began to get a little confused, and couldn't see very clearly. - -I met a friend and says: - -"Say, Tom, can you tell me what has become of Walter Jones?" - -"Why," says he, "you're Walter Jones yourself, ain't you?" - -"I know it," says I, "but I want to know where he's got to." - -He took me home. - -The next morning my wife thought I was down-hearted. So I was. She tried -to cheer me up. - -"Oh, Walter! look here, the morning paper says that in Yumyami, Africa, -a wife may be bought for twenty yards of cotton cloth." - -"Well," says I, "I guess a good wife is worth it." - -Then she started on another tack. - -"By the way, you know Charlie Benson, don't you?" - -I admitted that I did. - -"Well," says she, "of late he has become quite attentive. I really think -he means to run away with me." - -"I'd like to see him do it," says I. - -"Why," says she, "here's an account of a very intrepid photographer, who -took a picture of a wildcat, just as it was about to spring at him." - -"That's nothing," says I. "Jimmy Peck has a snap shot of his wife coming -at him with a kettle of boiling water." - -[Illustration] - -"It says here that lightning never strikes twice in the same place. I -wonder why?" - -"Any fool knows that," says I. "When the lightning comes again the place -isn't there to strike." - -"Say," says she, "I heard that you spoke to that ugly Mrs. De Fashion -yesterday." - -"Yes," I assented. - -"She had a new hat on; did you notice what it was like?" says she. - -"Well," says I, "it had a cowcatcher front, a battered-down funnel, a -tailboard behind, a flower garden on top, and a job lot of ribbons -streaming down in back. You can easily make one like it." - -She soon got tired of trying to cheer me up and quit in disgust. It's a -pretty hard job to cheer me up when I'm down-hearted. - -[Illustration] - -Just then the bell rang, and the maid announced the doctor. He came in -looking like a big sunflower. - -"Sorry, old man, to see you in such a condition last night," says he. - -"Bad condition, doctor," says I. "Why, that wasn't a flea bite to the -condition I'm in this morning." - -"I called upon Rollins this morning," says he, "and I never saw a man in -such a complete state of mental depression. He says he was out with you -last night. Can't you go around and convince him that his life still -holds some future brightness for him?" - -"Doctor," says I, "that's impossible. He's drawn his salary three weeks -in advance and spent it all last night." - -"Do you know," says the doctor, "I had a very remarkable experience last -night. A young fellow came to me and said he had swallowed a cent and I -made him cough up two dollars." - -[Illustration] - -That doctor has a son that beats anything you ever heard tell of. He has -made all his money on apples. - -No, he don't grow them. He's a doctor. - -It's little green apples I'm talking about now. - -When leaving, the doctor told me I must take to automobiling and I would -soon get well. I told my wife about it. - -"Doc is simple to throw money away like that," says she. - -"Don't worry about that," says I. "He charges double price for surgical -visits." - -"Well," says she, "with all his faults, Dr. Brown has never had a -patient die on his hands." - -[Illustration] - -"Get out," says I, "is that so?" - -"Yes," says she. "When he sees that they are doomed, he sends them to a -specialist. - -"Oh, Walter!" says she. "By the way, are we all out of debt?" - -"Thank Heaven, we are," I replied. - -"Then let's give a swell dinner." - -"But that would throw us into debt again." - -"Of course it would, but what is the use of having good credit unless -you can use it?" - -I suppose after that I ought to sing you my latest howling success, -entitled "No New Proverbs for Your Willie Boy; or, Some of the -Fifty-seven." - -[Illustration] - - They say that if you have too many cooks - You ruin your Sunday joint; - But if you give them nothing to cook - The proverb loses its point. - - They say that if you're a rolling stone - You'll pass through the poorhouse door; - But Germany's doing a roaring trade, - And her travelers say they'll do more. - - They say that if you go early to bed - You'll prosper, if early you'll rise; - But if you held gas shares, and other folks - Did the same, would that be so wise? - - They say that you shouldn't throw stones about - If your house is made of glass; - But if it's insured for more than its worth - The proverb will hardly pass. - - The point is just this: that proverbs, though wise, - Are changed by modern inventions; - And to add to this bushel of old-time lies - Would give rise to mighty dissentions. - -[Illustration] - -Say, do you know I'm always afraid to carry that song about with me, for -fear that some burglar will follow me home and steal it while I'm -asleep. - -The truth is I'm somewhat afraid of burglars. - -The other night my wife woke me up and said: - -"Walter, Walter, there are burglars in the house." - -"All right, just take a light and turn them out," says I. - -"I'm afraid they might run away with me," says she. - -"No fear of that if you take a light," says I. "By the way, dear, do you -knew that a Washington man was shot by a burglar and his life was saved -by a pajama button, which the bullet struck?" - -"Well, what of it?" says she. - -"Nothing," says I, "except that the button must have been on." - -Well, she wailed and went on so bad, that I had to go down and see what -the racket was. - -I went into the dining-room and there stood the burglar. - -"Hold up your hands," says he. - -"I'm darned if I do," says I. "My wife rules me by day, and you're not -going to butt in and do it by night." - -[Illustration] - -I grabbed a chair and went at him. - -We finally compromised. - -He was to take everything of any value if he would only let me--I mean -if I would only let him up. - -He took all the silverware off the sideboard and began to pack it up. - -Just then my little Josephine called from the cradle. - -"Say," says my visitor, "I've spotted this house for two weeks and -didn't know you had a baby. If you call that sharp-nosed woman, wifie, -and that kid yonder, baby, I guess you're blessed enough and in need of -sleep. Let's call it a draw. Thank Heaven I ain't married." - -"You'll be sorry you didn't get married, if you don't," says I. - -"That's all right," says he, "I'd a heap rather that I wasn't, than be -married and sorry that I was." - -Well, after much mutual congratulation, the midnight visitor finally -took his leave. - -I was about to go upstairs, when I heard talking down in the basement. - -I thought that perhaps there were a few more poor devils down there who -would sympathize with me, and went down to make their acquaintance. - -I was mistaken. - -It was only my servant, Bridget, talking to a policeman stationed on the -beat. - -I have a friend who had a very wild son about sixteen years of age. He -could do absolutely nothing with him. - -One day the youngster was offered a job in a big tinware factory. - -His father, thinking it might tone him down a bit, consented to let him -go. - -The first Saturday night the kid lost his week's wages in a crap game -and was afraid to go home. - -Finally he hit upon a bright scheme. He took his trousers, turned them -inside out and had them galvanized. - -That night he went home and his father prepared to give him a spanking. - -[Illustration] - -He used his hand first, but the blow almost killed his father. - -Then he used a club, but failed to make any impression upon his son. - -Then he got out of patience and said to his wife: - -"Maria, confound it, get me a can opener." - -Now this same Billy got so educated in that factory, that he wanted to -go West and shoot millionaires, so he just sloped. - -His father telegraphed all over the country, and then, as a last resort, -rang up police headquarters. - -"Well," says the chief, "it ought to be easy to find him. Has he any -marks by which he can be identified?" - -"N-o-o!" says the father. "But confound him, just let me get a hold of -him and he will have." - -They finally located Willie comfortably settled on a farm. There was a -job open and he advised his father to come out and take it, and make a -few million growing wheat for the food trust. - -His father went and they got along swimmingly. - -[Illustration] - -One day a neighbor came across Willie hustling like old Sam Hill to -reload a wagon of hay which had overturned. - -"Well, Willie, I see you are in trouble." - -"Yes," says Willie, working for dear life. - -"Suppose you come to the house and have dinner with me," says the -neighbor. - -Willie wouldn't hear of it. The man finally persuaded him to go. - -All the way to the house and at dinner Willie kept saying: - -"I shouldn't have come. I know dad won't like it." - -"Why," says the neighbor, "your father will never know unless you tell -him." - -"I know, I know," says Willie, "but I'm sure father won't like my going -to dinner with you." - -"Darnation," says the neighbor, now thoroughly worked up. "Why won't -he?" - -"Well, you see," says Willie, "dad's under the load of hay on the road." - -Speaking of Willie puts me in mind of another boy I know. - -He's the brightest chap for his years to be found in a day's walk. - -Why, when the boy was six months old, he howled all night and slept all -day. - -They fooled him though, by putting an electric light in front of his -parent's door, while he slept one day. - -When he woke up to give his usual nightly concert, he found the room as -bright as day. - -He just turned over and went to sleep again. - -[Illustration] - -That boy is a genius though, in his way. - -Why, do you know that they have had thirty-four examinations since he's -been going to school, and he's managed to dodge every one of them. - -I went down to one of the big department stores the other day and met my -old friend Matt Wheeler looking over some furniture. - -[Illustration] - -"Hello, Matt," says I, "how's Mamie?" Mamie is his sweetheart, you know. - -"Oh!" says Matt, "I've thrown her over." - -"Well, that was a foolish thing to do," says I. "Mamie was a good and -beautiful girl." - -"I know it," says he, "but her father offered to give us enough money to -furnish a home, if we got married. I'm going with another girl now." - -"What sort of a girl is she," says I, and that started him off. - -Have you ever noticed how easy it is to start a fellow extolling the -virtues and graces of his chosen before he is married? - -If you ask him how his wife is after the ceremony, all you get out of -him is something resembling a grunt. - -Well, this fellow rambled. - -"She's an angel. She isn't like other girls. She's got the loveliest -complexion. The handsomest face, the finest figure, the sweetest nature -that ever woman had." - -"Good," says I, "but how about her feet?" - -[Illustration] - -"Feet, man," says he, "what are you talking about? Are you demented?" - -"No," says I, "but you ought to have looked at her feet." - -"What has her feet got to do with it?" says he, "I'm marrying the girl, -not her feet." - -"That's right," says I, "but you'll get her feet thrown into the -bargain. Never marry a club-footed girl, because she's always got -something to hit you with in case of an argument." - -Even that didn't shut him up. - -"Let me tell you how I got engaged to her," says he. - -"Go ahead," says I. - -"I was down to her house one night and stayed until almost one o'clock. - -"Finally her old man hollered downstairs and asked the girl if I didn't -think it was about time to go to bed. - -"I hollered up that it was all right, I'd excuse him if he wanted to go. - -"Then we got talking about birds, birdlets and birdies. - -"I said I loved birdies of all kinds. - -"She tore over to the piano and began to play: 'I Wish I Were a Birdie.' -Yes, we're looking for a nest now." - -Now I'm going to sing you a song about this foolish couple. - -Just sit back and hold tight. - -[Illustration] - -It's entitled "What a Difference When the Preacher Says You're Wed; or, -I Wonder Why Mary Jones Married a Man Twice Her Age." - - He has ceased to call her "darling," - She has ceased to call him "dear"; - He has ceased composing sonnets - To her "shell-like little ear." - - She has ceased to hurry madly - To the mirror when he calls; - He has ceased to buy her chocolates - And ice cream at high-toned balls. - - This is not because these lovers - Have been mixed up in a row-- - No, the plain truth is that they - Are a married couple now. - -That song always makes me sad. - -It's founded upon one of my actual experiences. - -I was a married man, once, though I may not look it. - -One night I came home late and knocked at the door. - -[Illustration] - -My wife shoved her head out of the window, and says: - -"Is that you, Billy, dear?" - -My name's not Billy. I got divorced. - -Talking of graveyards, I took a trip to Philly last week. - -Say, I never had such fun since I sold my automobile. - -The circus began at Hoboken and continued all the way down. - -When I got to the station I noticed an Irishman sitting out of harm's -way, holding his jaw. - -"What's the matter, old man?" says I; "toothache?" - -"Yes, bedad," says he, "but I'm going to get rid of it." - -He got a strong piece of twine, tied one end to the offending molar, and -the other to the rail of the last car of the Washington express. - -Soon the train started. - -[Illustration] - -The twine held and so did the tooth. - -You never saw any one run to beat that fool Irishman. He had Duffy -beaten to death. - -Finally after he had run a two-mile straight-away, the cord snapped, but -the tooth stayed in. Pat came back. - -"Be jabbers," says he, "the dum thing fooled me that time, but I'll get -even. I'll go to a dentist." - -I got on my train and took a seat in the forward car. - -Just opposite, a very stylish, rather beautiful lady sat next to a -clerical-looking chap. - -When the conductor came around for her ticket, she fumbled for her -purse, then grew pale and gasped: - -"I've been robbed. There is nothing in my pocket but a piece of orange -peel, some cloves, and a bottle of whiskey." - -Then she began to throw the articles on the floor. - -"Madam," said the deep bass voice of the clerical-looking chap, "I'll -thank you to take your hands out of my pocket and leave its contents -alone." - -Then I began to look around for some other diversion, and got it. - -In front of me sat an old gentleman with a man-servant in attendance. - -[Illustration] - -He was greatly bothered by a fly, which used to go in one ear and out -the other. - -You know how they do, sometimes. - -The fly had made ten laps, and was comfortably along on its eleventh, -when the old fellow called his servant. - -"John," says he, quietly, "catch the little creature as gently as -possible and put it out of the window. Don't hurt it, though, or I shall -be angry." - -John, who evidently knew his master's weakness, caught the bothersome -fly and carried it to an open window. - -"Ah, master," pleaded he, "just look, it is beginning to rain. Shall I -not give the poor little fly a mackintosh and an umbrella?" - -Just then the train stopped at a way station and I got off to get a bite -to eat. As usual, I got left. - -While waiting, my attention was attracted to an elderly couple, who had -approached the ticket agent as he came out of his coop. - -"Say, boss," says the old man, "can you tell me if the three-fifteen has -left?" - -"Oh, yes," says the agent, "it went by ten minutes ago." - -"And when will the four-thirty be along, do you think?" - -"Not for some time, of course," was the answer. - -"Are there any expresses before then?" - -"Not one." - -"Any freight trains?" - -"No." - -"Nothing at all?" - -"Nothing whatsoever." - -"Are you quite sure?" - -"Of course I am, or I wouldn't have said so," yelled the agent. - -"Then, Maria," says the old man, "if we're quite careful, I guess we can -cross the tracks." - -My train arrived a minute before it was scheduled to leave. A kid -stepped up to the conductor. - -[Illustration] - -"Say, mister, there are two men on this train who came all the way from -New York, and didn't pay any fare." - -The conductor thought that some fellows were beating the company and -went through the whole train, but couldn't find any one who didn't have -his proper ticket. - -So, seeing the kid, he says: - -"Hey, where are the two men?" - -"On the engine. The engineer and fireman," shrieked the kid. - -After the train got in motion, I suddenly espied my old friend Joe -Dempsey, who is an insurance agent. - -"Hello, Joe," says I, "why so glum?" - -"Well, you see, Walter," says he, "I proposed to old Billion's daughter -and she refused to have me." - -"Well," says I, "that's nothing. There are other girls." - -"Yes, of course," says he, "but I can't help feeling sorry for the poor -girl." - -I looked around for something to throw. - -"Yes," he continued, "especially after the beautiful dream I had about -her the other night. I dreamt that I had married her and that she had -settled $14,000,000 on me." - -"Yes, and then you woke up," says I. - -"No," says he, "that's the funny part of it. I put that money in the -bank." - -"Well, that's all right," says I, "but you'll have a dickens of a time -in getting it out again." - -"That's easy," says he, "I'll just go to sleep again. I guess I'll do -that now and draw some of the interest." - -We got to the city of the dead and, having nothing else to do, I went -with Joe on a scout for business. - -While we were out in the suburbs, he struck a man putting up some kind -of a building, for he had a large pile of bricks. - -"Good-morning, neighbor," says Joe. "I'd like to insure this new cottage -you are putting up." - -[Illustration] - -"It isn't a cottage at all," began the man. - -"Ah, well, my good man," says Joe, "if it's only a dog-house, you'd -better have it insured." - -"Confound you," says the suburbanite, now in a rage, "get out of this. -I'm rebuilding my well." - -Joe, soon after this, decided to stay in the carpetbaggers' city and -take the agency of a large insurance company. - -One day there was a very destructive fire at Cohen & -Wosislosmitdewhiskey's clothing store. - -Joe took the company's adjuster and went down to investigate. - -A good deal of discussion resulted, in which the cause of the fire -figured principally. - -Cohen said it was due to the electric wiring, and his partner claimed it -was the gas-light. - -Finally the adjuster called upon Joe to render his opinion. - -"Look here, Joe," says he. "This man claims it was the Arc-light and -this fellow that it was the Gas-light. Now what do you think it was?" - -"Well," says Joe, "if you want my candid opinion, I think it was -neither. I'll bet a dollar that it was the Israelite." - -[Illustration] - -Joe at last got married and, when his son was still quite young, it -bothered him somewhat to know just what trade or profession he ought to -select for him. - -So at last he told his wife to get the boy a box of paints, a toy steam -engine, a printing press, and see what the boy would take to most -readily. - -When Joe got home at night, he asked his wife how the plan had -succeeded. - -"Well, I'm a bit puzzled," says she, "he has smashed the whole lot to -atoms." - -"The very thing," says Joe. "We'll make him a furniture mover." - -[Illustration] - -That didn't suit Mrs. Dempsey though, and she said they ought to have -the boy a musician. - -"All right," says Joe, "we'll let him learn the clarionette." - -"Why, Joe!" says his wife. "Whoever heard of such a thing. I say, let -him learn to play the violin. Think what an unhandy thing a clarionette -is to carry." - -"That's right, my dear," says Joe, "but think what a darn handy thing it -is in case of a scrap." - -Now I'll try to amuse you by singing my latest dead march, entitled "The -Moth and the Flame; or, My Kingdom For a Fire." - - They howl of the creature who uses the hoe, - Of the farmer behind the plow; - They warble a song to the horny palm, - And they garland the sunburned brow. - - There's praise for the soldier behind the gun, - Who fights after others tire; - But here's to the victim of fate's worst blow, - The Hebrew who don't have a fire. - - There's flame in his optic that bodeth ill, - There's a dangerous set of jaw; - There's a mighty unrest in his heaving chest, - And he scoffs at the moral law. - - Then woe to the creature--or man, or beast-- - That rouseth the smoldering ire - Of the Jew who heavily insures his place, - Then finds he can't have a fire. - -[Illustration] - -That song always gives my friend Rosensky a bad attack of indigestion. - -All the time I'm singing it he keeps moaning: - -"Dink if that vas me. Dink!" - -The time I was boarding, my landlady's name was Mrs. Closefist. - -One day she went to the grocery store and says: - -"I'd like to have some more of that bad butter you sold me last week." - -"Why," says the grocer, "if it was bad, what do you want more for?" - -"Well, you see," says she, "it lasts longer." - -This same woman had a calf. That calf was taken sick and died. We had -veal for the next three weeks. - -[Illustration] - -She had a pig and that pig died. We had pork for the next four weeks. - -She had a mother-in-law. That mother-in-law was taken sick--but we -fooled her, we all moved. - -One morning my egg wasn't fried right, so I blew the girl up. - -She blew the servant up, the servant blew the cook up, and the gasoline -stove blew the frying pan up. - -It was a case of blow-up all around. - -Mrs. Closefist had a daughter named Jane, who was taking painting -lessons at the time. - -She also took pains to let every one within a hundred miles know about -it. - -One day she brought down a thing that looked to me like a green shutter -in a cloud of steam. - -"Look here," says she, "isn't this pretty?" - -[Illustration] - -"I'm enraptured," says I. "Such a wealth of detail, such a display of -budding genius! The perspective is simply perfect. -It-it-it--is--so--clever. Oh! confound it, I can't find words to express -my admiration. By the way, what is it?" - -"Why," says she, "I am surprised. It represents a green field on a -cloudy day. Can't I paint well?" - -"Fine," says I. "In fact you have done so well, I am going to recommend -you to a friend of mine who wants a fence whitewashed." - -Mrs. Closefist, whose reputation for meanness was well known, was in the -habit of giving a soiree once a year, "just to liven the boarders up." - -I don't know whether it made any of the other fellows particularly -lively, but I know that on such occasions was the only time I ever -managed to get any sleep. - -There were very few outsiders who attended, because the "racket" usually -partook very much of the chief trait of the hostess. - -Once, when she was making preparations for one of these soul-stirring -affairs, she says to me: - -"I'd like to give my guests a pleasant surprise. Something distinctly -original." - -I thought a moment and then says: - -"Madam, countermand the invitations." - -That woman was the meanest thing in the form of a human being I ever -struck. - -No, I'm wrong; for meanness I give the palm to a certain car driver. - -Once, when I was a kid, I footed it out to a resort near my home. - -The only cars that ran out there were those little "jiggers." - -Well, I was pretty tired when I got out, and didn't feel like walking -back. - -So I asked one of the drivers to let me hitch behind. - -"Where's your fare?" says he. - -"Ain't got none," says I. - -"Then you can't ride," says he. "But look here, I'll tell you what I'll -do. Take those buckets and go to that well up the road, and water that -horse and I'll let you ride free." - -And he pointed to a skinny-looking little horse. - -[Illustration] - -I got two buckets and the horse drank them off quick as a wink. I got -four, I got six, I got ten, a dozen, always with the same result. - -Finally the fellow who owned the well refused to let me have any more -water, and I went back and told the driver that the man who leased the -Great Lakes from St. Peter had locked them up and gone to bed. - -"Well," says he, "you didn't fill your contract and I can't let you -ride." - -As I was going away, a fellow stepped up to me and says: - -"You darn fool, they brought all the horses in the stable out and you've -watered them one by one." - -[Illustration] - -Say, I don't think I ever told you of the time I went to England. You -see, I arrived at Liverpool and took the train for London. - -The train seemed to me to be going remarkably fast for that country and -I got sort of uneasy. - -At the first stop, I went to the guard and said: - -"Say, this is pretty fast traveling, isn't it?" - -"Oh, no, you needn't be alarmed, we never run off the line here." - -"Oh, it's not that I'm afraid of," says I. "I'm afraid you'll run off -your blamed little island." - -[Illustration] - -While out for a stroll the other afternoon, I reached the foot of a -steep hill just in time to see a fellow with an automobile come skating -down faster than he intended. - -When he had reached the bottom and the dust had settled, I walked over -and asked him if he was hurt. - -He said he wasn't, but looked ruefully at his auto. - -"This darned thing cost a cool two thousand the other day, but I'd be -willing to sell it for fifty now," says he. - -I looked it over and it seemed a pretty likely sort of machine and not -very much hurt, so I took him up. - -He got out of the way mighty quick, and three minutes after he -disappeared two mounted policemen came dashing up. - -"Ha!" says one of them, "we've got you. Come right along." - -Do you know, I had a deuce of a time in convincing them that it was not -I who had stolen the machine? - -I went to a real old-fashioned wake the other night. - -It was the most entertaining innovation I ever attended. - -I got there pretty late and all the beer had flown down where the -Wurzburger usually flows. - -I sat down beside my old friend, McGarrigan. - -"What, Mac, you one of the mourners, too?" - -"Whoi not?" says he. "Didn't the corpse owe me ten dollars?" - -"Well," says I, "cheer up." - -"I can't," says he, "the beer is all gone." - -Just then I saw his face brighten up. - -I followed the direction of his glance and saw it rested on a gallon -jug. - -Mac got up quietly and took the jug into the hallway. - -He came back in ten seconds looking more mournful than ever. - -"What's the matter, Mac," says I, "was the jug empty?" - -[Illustration] - -"No," says he. - -"Wasn't the wine good?" says I. - -"It wasn't wine," says he. - -"What was in the jug, Mac?" says I. - -He gave me a sheepish, sidelong glance and says: - -"Water." - -[Illustration] - -Mac is a boss carpenter. - -The other day he called his assistant and says: - -"Here, Jim, I'm going out for a few minutes and you can plane down this -beam until I return." - -He pointed to a big beam about eighteen inches square. - -But, alas! when poor Mac got out on the street, he slipped and sprained -his ankle. - -They took him home and it was the next day, toward evening, before he -could hobble around to his shop. - -His assistant was nowhere in sight. - -The only thing that met his gaze, was an enormous pile of shavings. - -So he bawled out: - -"James!" - -"Hello," came the far off response. - -"Where are you?" says Mac. - -"Here under this pile of shavings," says Jim. - -"What are you up to, anyway?" says Mac. - -"Planing that beam. You told me to plane it until you came back. If you -had come an hour later there wouldn't have been anything left of it." - -Poor Mac sprained his ankle again. - -Say, did you ever go to a dime museum? - -If not you want to take it in by all means. It's a sure cure for -glanders. - -I went to one last week, and had more fun than if I came here and -listened to these dispensers of heavenly harmony. - -Say, wasn't that last part fine? I'm coming up, I am! - -I hope to be in the same class as Chuck Conners some day. - -[Illustration] - -Well, as I said, I went to this shelter for freaks and looked them over. - -There was the fat lady who was blown up twice a day with the air pump. - -A kid in front of me stuck a pin in her arm and punctured her. - -[Illustration] - -There was the living skeleton who was fed on pork and beans three times -a day. - -There was the Circassian girl who paid twelve dollars for her wig. - -When we got to the glass eater, the real fun began. - -There was a yap and his wife standing where they could get a good view -of the performance. - -They watched him, enraptured for a time, and finally the woman says: - -"Hiram, just look at that fellow eating window glass." - -"That's nothing," says Hiram, "our little Reuben can do the same thing." - -"G'wan," says the woman, "how's that?" - -"Why, if he eats little green apples, won't he have pains on the -inside?" - -Then we passed on to the ventriloquist. - -"What's a ventriloquist, Hiram?" says Mandy. - -"Why," says Hiram, "it's a fellow what stands on one side of the room -and talks to hisself from the other." - -But the climax came when we got to the wonderful wax figure, recently -imported from Paris at the unheard of price of ten thousand dollars. - -[Illustration] - -I looked that wax figure over and something about it struck me as being -familiar. - -Finally it came to me all at once. - -It was Sim Johnson, who borrowed twenty dollars from me out in Chicago. -So I went over. - -"Hello, Sim," says I. He never moved a muscle. - -"Don't you know me, Sim?" says I. - -"Go 'way," says he, without moving his lips. - -That made me mad as a hornet, and I says: - -"Go 'way? Not much. Who is the wall-eyed, bandy-legged, beer-guzzling -harp, who borrowed twenty dollars from me, out in Chicago?" - -He never said a word. That got me madder. - -I continued to pay my respects in this fashion: - -"You miserable, consumptive-looking ingrate. You sea-sick-looking, -despicable turkey hen; I'd like to kill you. You mean to rob me." - -"You lie," shrieked Sim, now warmed up. - -Then I had to run. He caught up a big glass case of butterflies and -heaved it in my direction. - -But the way the butterflies flew wasn't a patch to the way I flew when -the porters got hold of me. - -[Illustration] - -Talking of wax men, puts me in mind of a fellow who lives in the flat -opposite mine. - -He's about the most miserable specimen of a man I ever struck. - -His wife is always quarreling with him; he's always quarreling with his -wife. - -When he proposed to her he said, as we all have said: - -"Darling, if you will only marry me, I will make you the best husband in -the world." - -"Never fear, sweet," says she, "if I marry you, I'll make you that all -right, all right." - -One afternoon, I heard her giving him a Sam Hill of a blow-up and met -him in the hall soon afterward. - -"Say," says I, "why in thunder don't you assert your independence?" - -"Independence," he wailed, "why she won't even grant me home rule." - -"What were you scrapping about just now?" says I. - -"Well, you see," says he, "when I married her I told her I delighted in -cleanliness. When I got home to-day, she told me she had just paid a -dollar to have the coal bin scrubbed out and we expect a load of coal -to-morrow. Then, too, she told me she had bought a dream of a hat at a -bargain, and I asked her whether there ever was a time she didn't get a -bargain, and she says: 'Yes, when I married you.'" - -[Illustration] - -Well, late that night the unhappy couple got to scrapping again, and the -worm turned and gave his wife a most unmerciful beating. - -I thought he was going to kill her, so I went in search of a policeman. - -I looked around for about an hour and finally located one talking to -Billyon's cook. - -[Illustration] - -"Say," says I, "you're wanted around the corner. A man has nearly killed -his wife." - -"How big is the man?" says he. - -"Oh, he's bigger than you." - -"Well," says he, "I'm sorry, old man, but it's off my beat." - -[Illustration] - -I went to the race track the other day and met a bookmaker I know. - -"Hello," says he. "What brings you here? Do you know anything?" - -"No," says I, "if I did, I wouldn't be here." - -I finally placed a small bet on a couple of horses, and when the first -race was run off, anxiously watched the ponies. - -They soon got so far away that I couldn't keep track of them, and -noticing a fellow with a pair of field glasses next to me, who seemed to -be seeing everything going on, I says: - -"How does Sunflower stand?" - -Sunflower was the horse I bet on, you know. - -"I don't know," says he, "I'm only watching the first ten horses." - -Just to liven things up a bit, I'll sing you a song entitled "Music On -The Installment Plan; or, How Would You Like To Be The Piano Man?" - -[Illustration] - - "I love thee, ah, yes, I love thee," - She sang in notes of joy; - And like a darned big fool - He married the maiden coy. - - But now she never shrieks the song - She howled in days of yore; - She never thumps the keyboard now - Until her thumbs are sore. - - Alas! upon her latest grand, - She never more will play; - She failed with the installments, - And they've taken it away. - -I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I sing that song, but I guess -I'll laugh. - -Crying doesn't suit my complexion; then, too, I've enough to be sad -about already. - -I live in the suburbs. - -You see if a man lives in the city, his wife always wants to go to some -show or other, and that costs money. - -We have a fine lot of neighbors out our way, I can tell you. They're so -friendly. - -The other day the woman next door stepped in, as I was coming to New -York, and wanted to know if I wouldn't stop at Cooper & Siegel's and get -her goods for a dress. I promised I would. - -When I got there, I found an old maid ahead of me. - -The shop-girl had evidently taken down almost every roll of cloth in the -place, but as each new one was unfolded, the old maid would say: - -"No, no, I don't think that would do." - -[Illustration] - -All the rolls had been exhibited except one, when the old maid says: - -"Never mind taking that down, I won't buy any cloth to-day. I was only -looking for a friend." - -"But, madam," says the girl, "if you think there's any possibility of -her being in this roll, I'll open it up." - -Just as I was about to say that I wanted some kind of cloth that would -suit a red-headed woman, a little dapper chap butted in and says to the -girl: - -"Ah, darling Louisa, I have thought of you all week. How I love you -dear. Will you give me your heart?" - -I was just drawing back my foot to give him a number eight where it -would wake him up, when the girl says: - -"Certainly, dearest Harold. Cash! Cash!! Cash!!! Where will you have it -sent?" - -[Illustration] - -I was just about to say what I wanted, when another tall, lanky, -moth-eaten-looking fellow stepped in and engaged the girl's attention -for half an hour. - -Finally he turned and went out without buying anything. - -The floorwalker stepped up to the girl and says: - -"You let that man go out without buying anything." - -"Yes, sir." - -"He was at your counter for a half hour." - -"I know it," says the girl. - -"In spite of all the questions he asked, you rarely answered him." - -"I know it," says the girl, "but then, you see, I didn't have what he -wanted." - -"And what's that?" asked the floorwalker. - -"Five dollars. He wanted me to subscribe to a life of Mark Hanna, -compiled by a workingman." - -I finally got what I wanted and left the store. - -It was a very pleasant day and I thought I'd take a short walk. - -I came to a large building in the course of construction. Just outside -was a crowd of workingmen who had some argument. - -I crossed over to see what was the matter and found two men pummeling -each other unmercifully. - -[Illustration] - -Finally the one who was getting the worst of it cried out: - -"Say, I thought this was to be a fair, stand-up fight?" - -"That's right," said a number of his companions. - -"Well, how the devil can it be a fair, stand-up fight if he keeps -knocking me down all the time?" - -All at once a cop put in an appearance and arrested the principals, and -some of the bystanders as witnesses. - -I thought I would see the thing out, so I went to court where one of the -men entered the charge of assault against the other. - -[Illustration] - -The whole crowd wanted to explain, but they only succeeded in getting -the judge sadly mixed up. - -He told them to be quiet and addressed himself to one of the witnesses. - -"Now, look here," he says. "As the court understands it, the defendant -here began the quarrel, because the plaintiff hurled a vile epithet at -him. Was that the way of it?" - -[Illustration] - -"No, your honor," says the man. "Nobody chucked an epithet. Mike called -John a bad name and John heaved a brick at him. Nobody hurled nothing -else." - -After leaving court one of my teeth pained me dreadfully, so I went to -the dentist to have it attended to. - -He advised me to take gas. - -"All right," says I. "What is the effect of gas?" - -"Why," says he, "it simply makes you totally insensible. You don't know -anything that's taking place." - -"Go ahead," says I, and I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out all -the money I had. - -The dentist, thinking that I was about to pay him, says: - -"Oh, don't bother about that now. You have plenty of time." - -"That's all right," says I. "I just wanted to see how much money I had -before the gas took effect." - -I took a walk up Broadway the other night and ran into my old friend -Jenkins. - -[Illustration] - -After numerous liquid greetings, I asked him how Mrs. Jenkins was. - -"Well," says he, "she isn't well at all. You see, she had an awful -experience last night. - -"I was out and she was all alone in the house. Suddenly she heard -muffled footsteps on the porch. They came nearer and finally sounded in -the dining-room. - -"Bravely she faced the midnight marauder, who pointed a pistol at her -head. - -[Illustration] - -"'Tell me where the money is hid,' he hissed, 'or I'll fire.' - -"'Never,' she answered determinedly. 'Villain, do your worst.' - -"'I will,' snarled the scoundrel, baffled but not beaten. 'Tell me -instantly where that money is hid, or I'll drop this big woolly -caterpillar down your neck.' - -"Two minutes later that darned burglar crept out of the house with my -hard-earned money. I tell you, Jones, he was a genius." - -I left Jenkins. - -I had walked only a block when I met old Bilgewater, an English sea -captain. - -He was delighted to see me and insisted that I take luncheon with him. - -We went to a nearby restaurant and sat down at a table near the door. - -I noticed as old Bilgewater sat down, he did it very stiffly. He didn't -act as though he was at all comfortable. - -Pretty soon he reached into his hip pocket and brought out a large -telescope. - -[Illustration] - -"That's a pretty hefty thing to sit on, ain't it?" says he, by way of -introduction. - -I said it was. - -"Well, I never let that 'scope out of my sight," says he. - -"Why?" says I. "Valuable?" - -"Yes," says he, "werry. It were given me by my old friend Nelson, in -return for services rendered in licking the French." - -[Illustration] - -"Why, man," says I, astounded at the barefaced lie, "Nelson has been -dead for over a hundred years!" - -"Well, well," says he, "so he has. How time does fly." - -I think it's almost time I warbled something. How's this? - - She was a maid of high degree, - To her came wooing, suitors three, - The first was rich, as rich could be, - The second nobly born was he. - But nothing in the world had three, - In fact he was a nobody; - And this fair maid of high degree - Could not decide between the three. - - So to their every sigh and plea, - She only answered, "Wait and see." - Until the rich one, off went he, - To wed in the nobility! - The poor young lord then met, you see, - A girl with hundred thousands three! - And this fair maid of high degree, - Was left with one instead of three. - - So lonely and deserted, she - Was bound to smile on number three. - "He's nobody, of course," said she, - "I'll take and make him somebody." - So they were married, he and she, - And wisely, too, it seems to me. - 'Twas Hobson's choice, as you can see, - 'Twas either he, or nobody. - -[Illustration] - -Now, considering that I've got to do some hundred-yard dashes up and -down a twenty-foot flat with my youngest son, I think I'll say -good-night. - -May your slumbers be more peaceful than mine. - -[Illustration] - - -The End. - - - - -Transcriber's Notes: - - -The copy used as the basis for this digital edition was missing its back -cover, so some advertising is omitted. - -Some questionable spelling (e.g. merangue, assult) has been retained -from the original where other contemporary uses of the same spelling -have been found. - -Some inconsistent hyphenation retained (working-man vs. workingman). - -Page 3, changed "Shakesperian" to "Shakespearian." - -Page 9, added missing comma after "then" in "Have some pancakes, then," -and fixed punctuation in: "I'm going to have some pancakes," says he. - -Page 11, changed "it's way" to "its way." - -Page 13, changed "it's shirt-sleeves" to "its shirt-sleeves" and -"vituals" to "victuals." - -Page 15, changed "it's own way" to "its own way." - -Page 47, changed "decendant" to "descendant." - -Page 48, changed comma to question mark after "left him" and changed "so -healthy. know why" to "so healthy, know why?" - -Page 61, changed "Mame" to "Mamie" and period at end of page to question -mark. - -Page 65, added missing period after "whiskey." - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jiglets, by Walter Jones - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JIGLETS *** - -***** This file should be named 43419-8.txt or 43419-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/3/4/1/43419/ - -Produced by Demian Katz and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Images courtesy -of the Digital Library@Villanova University -(http://digital.library.villanova.edu/)) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Jiglets - A series of sidesplitting gyrations reeled off-- - -Author: Walter Jones - -Release Date: August 8, 2013 [EBook #43419] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JIGLETS *** - - - - -Produced by Demian Katz and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Images courtesy -of the Digital Library@Villanova University -(http://digital.library.villanova.edu/)) - - - - - - -</pre> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43419 ***</div> <div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> <a href="images/i001large.jpg"><img src="images/i001.jpg" width="400" height="555" id="coverpage" alt="" /></a> @@ -179,7 +141,7 @@ REELED OFF</b></p> <hr class="r5" /> -<p class="header center">STREET & SMITH · PUBLISHERS · NEW YORK +<p class="header center">STREET & SMITH · PUBLISHERS · NEW YORK </p> <hr class="chap" /> @@ -3993,382 +3955,6 @@ mark.</p> <p>Page 65, added missing period after "whiskey."</p> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jiglets, by Walter Jones - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JIGLETS *** - -***** This file should be named 43419-h.htm or 43419-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/3/4/1/43419/ - -Produced by Demian Katz and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Images courtesy -of the Digital Library@Villanova University -(http://digital.library.villanova.edu/)) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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