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diff --git a/43355-0.txt b/43355-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6f82ed9 --- /dev/null +++ b/43355-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3017 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43355 *** + + PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR + + Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON + + Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in + itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the + masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to + "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF SPORTS + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Boy_ (_reassuringly_). "It's all right, miss, I'm only +looking for our cricket-ball!"] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF SPORTS + +THE HUMOURS OF CRICKET, FOOTBALL, +TENNIS, POLO, CROQUET, HOCKEY, +RACING, &c. + +[Illustration] + +AS PICTURED BY + + LINLEY SAMBOURNE, PHIL MAY, + L. RAVEN-HILL, F. H. TOWNSEND, + E. T. REED, GEORGE DU MAURIER, + CHARLES KEENE, FRANK REYNOLDS, + LEWIS BAUMER, GUNNING KING, + G. D. ARMOUR, ARTHUR HOPKINS, + EVERARD HOPKINS, J. A. SHEPHERD, + AND OTHERS. + +_WITH 225 ILLUSTRATIONS_ + +PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" + +THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD. + + * * * * * + +The Punch Library of Humour + + _Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_ + + LIFE IN LONDON + COUNTRY LIFE + IN THE HIGHLANDS + SCOTTISH HUMOUR + IRISH HUMOUR + COCKNEY HUMOUR + IN SOCIETY + AFTER DINNER STORIES + IN BOHEMIA + AT THE PLAY + MR. PUNCH AT HOME + ON THE CONTINONG + RAILWAY BOOK + AT THE SEASIDE + MR. PUNCH AFLOAT + IN THE HUNTING FIELD + MR. PUNCH ON TOUR + WITH ROD AND GUN + MR. PUNCH AWHEEL + BOOK OF SPORTS + GOLF STORIES + IN WIG AND GOWN + ON THE WARPATH + BOOK OF LOVE + WITH THE CHILDREN + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +Mr. Punch is nothing if not typical of his fellow countrymen in his +interest in sport. If there be any truth in the assertion that +Englishmen are neglecting the more serious affairs of life in their +devotion to all forms of athletic sports, Mr. Punch would seem to be +determined that there shall be no lack of humour in the process; for an +immense proportion of his merry pages have been occupied with the humour +of sport. + +Indeed, there is no kind of open-air pastime which has escaped the +kindly attention of our national humorist, and the fact that he never +tires of poking good-natured fun at these hobbies of his countrymen, +making merry over their misadventures, indicates in some degree that, +whatever our social critics may think of the national taste for outdoor +games, these must have a humanising influence and make for manliness, +when their devotees can thus with good grace look upon themselves in Mr. +Punch's mirror, and join in the laughter at their own expense. + +But it must not be assumed that Mr. Punch's attitude is one of satirical +criticism; on the contrary, his sympathies are with every form of +sportsmanship, and it is chiefly because his jovial knights of the +pencil delight to illustrate the mishaps incidental to all games that we +are entitled to look upon him as a great patron of our sports. And is +not he always ready to pillory the cad and the incompetent as further +proof of the soundness of his heart? + +Certain volumes of this library are devoted entirely to one or other of +our popular pastimes, determined mainly on their varying richness in +humour, but in this "Book of Sports" we have brought together a +carefully chosen selection of Mr. Punch's wittiest sayings on a variety +of games and pastimes. Cricket might of itself have furnished forth a +volume, Football, and Racing also; but we have sought after variety +rather than repletion, and to this end even the passing craze for +Ping-pong has not been ignored, as it is not the least of the merits of +the Punch Library of Humour that within these volumes is enshrined a +comic chronicle of the passing time. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF SPORTS + +[Illustration] + +THE BRITISH "SPHERE OF INFLUENCE."--The cricket ball. + + * * * * * + +CRICKETERS WHO OUGHT TO BE GOOD HANDS AT PLAYING A TIE.--"The Eleven of +Notts." + + * * * * * + +NOMENCLATURE.--The professional cricketer who makes a "duck's egg" ought +surely to be dubbed a "quack." + + * * * * * + +A MODEL CRICKET MATCH.--One that begins with a "draw," but does not end +with one. + + * * * * * + +EPITAPH ON A CRICKETER.--"Over!" + + * * * * * + +A CRICKETING PARADOX.--Any eleven can make a score. + + * * * * * + +LORD'S! + +[Illustration] + + There's a glorious sanctum of cricket, + Away in the Wood of St. John; + No spot in creation can lick it + For the game at which Grace is the "don." + Though Melbourne may claim a "Medina," + The "Mecca" of cricket must be + In the beautiful classic arena, + The home of the "old" M. C. C. + + Home, sweet home of the M. C. C., + Ever my fancy is turning to thee! + Up with King Willow and down with the dumps + Hark to the rattle of leather and stumps. + Oh, what a rapturous thrill it affords! + Give yourself up to the magic of "Lord's." + + * * * * * + +SCORING FOR DR. GRACE.--"A running commentary." + + * * * * * + +ALL WORK AND NO PLAY.--The umpire's part. + + * * * * * + +THE IRREPRESSIBLE JOKER AGAIN (ON BAIL.)-- + +_Q._ Where ought ducks' eggs to be most readily found? _A._ At the Oval. + + [_Bail estreated._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Hairdresser_ (_about to part customer`s hair_). "Centre, +sir?" + +_Flannelled fool_ (_rather an absent-minded beggar_). "Oh--er--_middle +an' 'eg_!"] + + * * * * * + +ALL THE YEAR ROUND; + +_Or, Keeping Up the Ball._ + +[Illustration: A straight tip and a new sensation.] + + When September soaks the fields, + And the leaves begin to fall, + Cricket unto football yields,-- + That is all! + + Yes--in hot or humid weather, + At all seasons of the year, + Life is little without leather + In a sphere. + + In the scrimmage, at the stumps, + 'Neath the goal, behind the sticks, + Life's a ball, which Summer thumps, + Winter kicks. + + Our "terrestrial ball" is round, + (Is it an idea chimerical?) + Man, by hidden instincts bound, + Loves the spherical. + + In rotund, elastic bounders, + Plainly the great joy of men is, + Witness cricket, billiards, rounders, + And lawn-tennis. + + * * * * * + +CLASSIC TITLE FOR DR. GRACE.--"The Centurion." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _He._ "You're fond of cricket, then?" + +_She._ "Oh, I'm passionately devoted to it!" + +_He._ "What part of a match do you enjoy the most?" + +_She._ "Oh, this part--the promenade!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. PUNCH KEEPS HIS EYE ON CRICKET + +THEN (1841) AND NOW (1891).] + + * * * * * + +TOAST FOR TAVERN LANDLORDS.--The Cricketer, who always runs up a score +by his innings. + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE CRICKET GROUND.--Battersy-Park. + + * * * * * + +THINGS TO WHICH CRICKETING MEMBERS OF THE ANTI-GAMBLING LEAGUE ARE +ADDICTED.--"Pitch" and "Toss." + + * * * * * + +DR. W. G. GRACE'S FAVOURITE DISH.--"Batter pudding." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +AT THE ETON AND HARROW MATCH.--_Simperton._ What, you in light blue, +Miss Gloriosa! I thought you were Harrovian to the core! + +_Miss Gloriosa._ So I am, but I'm also Cambridge, and as I can't +possibly afford two new dresses in one week, I decided to choose the +most becoming colour! + + [_And_ SIMPERTON _of the dark blue was quite satisfied with the + explanation_. + + * * * * * + +"FOLLOW ON!" + +(_A Cricketer's_ "_Catch_" AIR--"_Come Follow_!") + +_First Voice._ Come follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow on! + +_Second Voice._ Why then should I follow, follow, follow, why then must +I follow, follow on? + +_Third Voice._ When you're eighty runs or more behind our score you +follow on! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "TRAIN UP YOUR PARENTS THE WAY THEY SHOULD GO." + +--"You know papa has been asked to play in the 'Fathers against the +Boys' match?" "Yes, mother. But I hope the boys will win this year. If +the fathers win again they'll be so beastly cocky!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "'Collapse of Essex.' Dear, dear! I wonder if my property +at Ilford is safe?" + + [_Buys paper to see._ + +] + + * * * * * + +CRICKETER'S FAVOURITE FISH.--Slips. + + * * * * * + +THE COUP DE GRACE.--Leg hit for six. + + * * * * * + +RIDDLE MADE "ON THE GROUND."--Why are cricket matches like the backs of +cheap chairs? Because they're "fixed to come off". + + * * * * * + +SEASONABLE FIELD SPORT.--Leather-hunting. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS. (_A cricket match._) "How's that, +umpire?"] + + * * * * * + +WET-WILLOW + +A SONG OF A SLOPPY SEASON. + +(_By a Washed-out Willow-Wielder._) + +AIR--"_Titwillow._" + + In the dull, damp pavilion a popular "Bat" + Sang "Willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!" + And I said "Oh! great slogger, pray what are you at, + Singing 'Willow, wet-willow, wet-willow'? + Is it lowness of average, batsman," I cried; + "Or a bad 'brace of ducks' that has lowered your pride?" + With a low-muttered swear-word or two he replied, + "Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!" + + He said "In the mud one can't score, anyhow, + Singing willow, wet-willow, wet-willow! + The people are raising a deuce of a row, + Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow! + I've been waiting all day in these flannels--they're damp!-- + The spectators impatiently shout, shriek, and stamp, + But a batsman, you see, cannot play with a Gamp, + Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!" + + "Now I feel just as sure as I am that my name + Isn't willow, wet-willow, wet-willow, + The people will swear that I don't play the game, + Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow! + My spirits are low and my scores are not high, + But day after day, we've soaked turf and grey sky, + And I sha'n't have a chance till the wickets get dry. + Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!!!" + + * * * * * + +CRICKET PROSPECTS + +(_From Dumb-Crambo Junior's point of view._) + +[Illustration: MARROW-BONE CLUB] + +[Illustration: A DOMESTIC FIXTURE] + +[Illustration: A RISING PLAYER] + +[Illustration: A PROMISING YOUNG BOWLER] + +[Illustration: TRIAL MATCHES] + +[Illustration: BATTER AND BAWL] + + * * * * * + +THE LADIES AT LORD'S + +OLD STYLE--EARLY SIXTIES. + +SCENE--_The Ground and its Accessories._ + +_Superior Creature._ Really very pleasant. + +_Weaker Sex._ Oh! charming. So delightful having luncheon _al fresco_. +The lobster salad was capital. + +_S. C._ Very good. And the champagne really drinkable. + +_W. S._ And our chat has been so interesting, Captain SMORLTORK. + +_S. C._ So pleased. And now, what do you think of the cricket? + +_W. S._ Oh! I haven't time to think of the cricket. + + * * * + +NEW STYLE--LATE NINETIES. + +SCENE--_The Same._ + +_Mere Man._ Really rather nice. + +_Stronger Sex._ Quite nice. Capital game, too. Up to county form. That +last over was perfect bowling. + +_M. M._ Yes; and the batting was well above the average. + +_S. S._ Tol-lish. And really, when I come to think of it, Mr. +SMORLTORK-GOSSIP, you have been also entertaining. + +_M. M._ Proud and honoured! And now, what do you think about the +luncheon? + +_S. S._ Oh! I haven't time to think about the luncheon. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Fair Batter (ætat. 18). "Now, just look here, Algy +Jones--none of your patronage! You dare to bowl to me with your left +hand again, and I'll box your ears!"] + + * * * * * + +A MATCH MISCALLED.--Considering the style and number of the turn-outs on +the ground, and the amount of champagne-cups consumed at Lord's during +the Great Public School Cricket Encounter, suppose it were re-christened +the _Drag_ and _Drinking_, instead of the _Harrow_ and _Eton_, Match? + + * * * * * + +AT THE VILLAGE CRICKET MATCH.--_Umpire_ (_carried away by enthusiasm on +seeing the young Squire send a ball hard to leg_). Well hit, Master +Arthur, well hit! (_Remembering himself._) But don't make no short runs! + + * * * * * + +CRICKET AT LORD'S + +(_Hits by Dumb-Crambo, Jun._) + +[Illustration: A PATIENT INNINGS] + +[Illustration: A CUT IN FRONT OF POINT] + +[Illustration: OVER!] + +[Illustration: LAST MAN. HIS USUAL FORM] + + * * * * * + +BAIT APPRECIATED BY BOTH CRICKETERS AND FISHERMEN.--Lobs. + + * * * * * + +A TIE.--("_Ladies v. Gentlemen._") The Ladies came out as they had gone +in, all "Ducks." + +And what did the Gentlemen make?--Love. + + * * * * * + +THE LADY CRICKETER + +(_Directions for attaining Perfection._) + +Get up a match by saying to some local subaltern that it would be such +fun to have a game, and you know a girl who could give points to Grace. + +Agree with the youthful warrior that the fun would be increased by +allowing the men to play with broom-sticks, and left-handed, and the +girls, of course, with bats, and unrestricted. + +Arrange your eleven in such a fashion that you come out as captain in +the most picturesque costume. + +Be careful to "kill" your colleagues' appearance by an artful +combination of discordant hues. + +Carry out the above scheme with the assistance of a joint committee +consisting of two, yourself and the local subaltern. + +Arrange, at the last moment, that the men shall only send out six of +their team to field. + +Manage to put yourself in first, and play with confidence the initial +ball. + +Amidst the applause of the six fielders you will be clean bowled. + +Retire gracefully, and devote the rest of the afternoon to tea and mild +flirtation with the five men who have been weeded out. + + * * * * * + +CURIOUS CRICKET ANOMALY. + + WHEN a batsman has piled up a hundred, or more, + Though five twenties he's hit, he has made but "a score." + + * * * * * + +CRICKET CATCHES + +(_By D. Crambo, Junior._) + +[Illustration: A FORWARD STYLE] + +[Illustration: OUT WITH A BEAUTIFUL BAILER] + +[Illustration: COLLARING THE BOWLING] + +[Illustration: A PROMINENT PLAYER] + +[Illustration: SENT BACK WITH A SHOOTER] + +[Illustration: A DIFFICULT WICKET] + + * * * * * + +FAIR CRICKETERS + +[Illustration] + + ["The growing favour with which athletic exercises are being + regarded by those who are still 'the gentler sex,' is evidenced by + the rapid adoption of cricket into the roll of those games which + may be practised by ladies without the sober world being shocked. + In the course of the past Summer there have been several + matches."--_Standard._] + + You may play the game of Cricket, like the men well known to fame, + And be good "all round," like some folks at that fascinating game; + You may bowl like Mr. Spofforth at the Demon's deadly pace, + You may lead a team like Harris, and may bat like Doctor Grace; + But in vain your skill and prowess--can you dare to win the day, + Although hope may spring eternal, when the Ladies come to play? + + They have conquered us at Croquet, though philosophers might scoff, + And the masculine intelligence was beaten by "two off." + As a vehicle for flirting we acknowledged all its charms, + And gay soldiers fell before it, although used to war's alarms; + But they held me-thinks their cricket-bats as doughty as their swords, + And they never dreamt of Ladies at the Oval or at Lord's. + + Then we turned to Roller-skating, how the God of Love must wink + As he ponders o'er the havoc wrought on many a pleasant rink; + There the Ladies, as their wont is, held indubitable sway, + As they circled like the seagull in as fair and facile way; + And we yielded, though at Prince's woman held all hearts in thrall, + For we thought of our one Empire, that of Cricket--bat and ball. + + Comes the era of Lawn Tennis, when the balls spin o'er the net, + What avail the "Renshaw smashes" when the Ladies win the "sett," + And the boldest of all volleys will be found of little use + When the women gain "advantage," their opponents at the "deuce." + So we leave the lawn to Ladies, it were graceful there to yield; + But we thought that still at Cricket we were masters of the field. + + Vain the hope, for lo! the Ladies give poor Men no hour of peace. + Can we dare to "pop the question" when they front the "popping-crease"? + Though with "leg before the wicket" your short innings may be o'er, + Will the umpire be as truthful when it's "petticoat before"? + So lay down "the willow," batsmen, and, oh, bowler, leave the wicket, + Ye must yield once more to Woman, for the Ladies now play Cricket! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LAST BALL OF THE SEASON] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNINVITED.--We had bowled out their best men, and should +have won the match, but somebody came on the ground with a confounded +hyæna-coloured bull-terrier, who ran after the ball, and wouldn't give +it up.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "BOOTS AND CHAMBERMAID."--_Robin_ (_the morning after the +cricket supper_). "What does this 'B' and 'C' mean, Dick?" _Richard_ +(_with a headache_). "O, brandy an' soda, of course. Ring 'em both, +there's a good fellow!"] + + * * * * * + +AT THE 'VARSITY CRICKET MATCH.--_Newcomer_ (_to Gent in front_). If you +would kindly move your head an eighth of an inch, I think that by +standing on tip-toe I might be able, between the box-seat and body of +that carriage, to ascertain the colour of long leg's cap. + + * * * * * + +PUDDING IT PLAINLY.--Why is a promising cricketer like flour and eggs? + +Because he's calculated to make a good batter. + + * * * * * + +The most remarkable instance of a hybrid animal is the cricket-bat. + + * * * * * + +THE REAL "TRIPLE ALLIANCE."--A three-figure innings at cricket. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR VILLAGE CRICKET CLUB.--We had thirty seconds left +before the time for drawing stumps. Our two last men were in, and we +wanted one run to tie and two to win. It was the most exciting finish on +record.] + + * * * * * + +THE USEFUL CRICKETER + +(_A Candid Veteran's Confession._) + + I am rather a "pootlesome" bat-- + I seldom, indeed, make a run; + But I'm rather the gainer by that, + For it's bad to work hard in the sun. + + As a "field" I am not worth a jot, + And no one expects me to be; + My run is an adipose trot, + My "chances" I never can see. + + I am never invited to bowl, + And though, p'r'aps, this seems like a slight, + In the depths of my innermost soul + I've a notion the Captain is right. + + In short, I may freely admit + I am not what you'd call a great catch + But yet my initials are writ + In the book against every match! + + For although--ay, and there is the rub-- + I am forty and running to fat, + I have made it all right with the Club, + By presenting an Average Bat! + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER TITLE!! SUPPLEMENTAL GAZETTE OF BIRTHDAY HONOURS.--Dr. W. G. +Grace to be Cricket-Field-Marshal. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Muscular High Church Curate._ "Wonderful things 'Grace' +does!" + +_Low Church Vicar_ (_surprised at the serious observation from his +volatile friend_). "Ah, my dear sir, true----" + +_High Church Curate._ "Yes. Only fancy, y'know!--ninety-two, and not +out!!"] + + * * * * * + +"LE CRICQUETTE" + +_How he will be played--shortly._ + +_Offices of the Athletic Congress, Paris._ + +[Illustration: CRICK-IT] + + MONSIEUR, + + I am overwhelmed with my gratitude to you and to the generous + dignitaries the Chancellors of your Universities, the Heads of your + great Public Seminaries, and the Principal of your renowned + Mary-le-bone College Club for the information they have given me + concerning "Le Criquette," your unique National game, and I thank + you in the name of my Committee for your present of + implements--_les wickettes_, _le boule de canon_, _les gros bois_ + (the batsman's weapons), _le cuirasse pour les jambes de + Longstoppe_, and other necessaries for the dangers of the contest + that you have so kindly forwarded for our inspection. But most of + all are we indebted to you for sending over a 'ome team of your + brave professionals to play the match against our Parisian + "_onze_," for you rightly conjectured that by our experience of the + formidable game in action, we should be able to judge of its risks + and dangers, and after mature investigation be able so to revise + and ameliorate the manner of its playing as to bring it into + harmony with the taste and feeling of the athletic ambition of the + rising generation of our young France. + + A Match has taken place, as you will see by "Le Score" subjoined, + which I enclose for your inspection. It was not without its fruits. + It disclosed to us, as you will remark by referring to "Le Score," + very practically the dangerous, and I must add, the murderous + capabilities that "Le Cricquette" manifestly possesses. Our + Revising Committee has already the matter in hand, and when their + report is fully drawn up, I shall have much satisfaction in + forwarding it to you. Meantime, I must say that the substitution of + a light large ball of silk, or some other soft material for the + deadly "_boule de canon_" as used by your countrymen, has been + decided upon as absolutely necessary to deprive the game of + barbarism, and harmonise it with the instincts which Modern and + Republican France associates with the pursuit of a harmless + pastime. _Les wickettes_, as being too small for the Bowlsman to + reach them, should be raised to six feet high, and the Umpire, a + grave anomaly in a game cherished by a liberty-loving people, + should be instantly suppressed. The "overre," too, should consist + of sixteen balls. But this and many other matters are under the + consideration of the Committee. I now subjoin "Le Score" I + mentioned; a brief perusal of it will show you what excellent + grounds the Committee have for making the humanising alterations at + which I have hinted. + + ALL FRANCE v. AN ENGLISH 'OME-TEAM. + + ALL FRANCE. + + M. DE BOISSY (struck with murderous force on the front of his + forehead by the _boule de canon_, and obliged to retire), + b. JONES-JOHNSON....0 + + M. NAUDIN (hit on his fingers, which are pinched blue with the + _boule de canon_, and incapacitated), b. JONES-JOHNSON....0 + + Le Marquis de CAROUSEL (receives a blow from the _boule de canon_ + on the front bone of his leg, and is compelled to relinquish the + contest), b. JONES-JOHNSON....0 + + M. BUSSON (receives a severe contusion of the cheek-bone from the + _boule de canon_, which is delivered with murderous intent by a + swift "round-and bowlsman"), b. JONES-JOHNSON....0 + + Le Général GREX (hits his three _wickettes_ into the air, in a + daring attempt to stop the _boule de canon_ with his batsman's + club), b. JONES-JOHNSON....0 + + Le Duc de SEPTFACES (has his _pince-nez_ shattered to atoms by the + _boule de canon_, and, being unable to see, withdraws from the + "innings"), b. JONES-JOHNSON....0 + + M. CARILLON, M. le docteur GIROFLÉ, le Professeur d'Equitation (all + the three being given, in turn, "out, legs in front of the + _wickette_," leave the ground to arrange a duel with the Umpire), + b. JONES-JOHNSON....0 + + M. de MONTMORENCY (on reaching the _wickette_ and seeing the + terrible approach of the _boule de canon_, has a shivering fit + which obliges him to sit down), b. JONES-JOHNSON....0 + + M. JOLIBOIS, coming in last, triumphantly avoids the "overre," and + is, in consequence, _not out_....0 + + THE ENGLISH 'OME TEAM. + + JONES-JOHNSON, not out 3276 + BROWN-SMITH, not out 3055 + + So the game stood at the end of the fifth day, when, spite all the + efforts of "All France," even the putting on of three "Bowlsmen" at + once, it was found impossible to take even one of the "'Ome-team" + _wickettes_. Yet the contest was maintained by the "Outside" with + a wonderful heroism and _élan_, for though by degrees, in nobly + attempting to stop the flight of the _boule de canon_ as it sped on + its murderous course, driven by the furious and savage blows of the + batsmen in all directions over the field, the fieldsmen, one by + one, struck in the arms, legs, head and back, began to grow feeble + under their unceasing blows and contusions, still one and all from + the "Long-leg-off" to the indomitable "Longstoppe," faced the + dangers of their situation with a proud smile, indicative of the + noble calm of an admirable spirit. So, Monsieur, the game, which + was not finished, and which, in consequence, the Umpire, with a + chivalrous generosity, announced as "drawn," came to its + conclusion. You will understand, from the perusal of the above, the + direction in which my Committee will be likely to modify the rules + of the game, and simplify the apparatus for playing it, so as to + give your "Cricquette" a chance of finding itself permanently + acclimatised in this country. + + Accept, Monsieur, the assurance of my most distinguished + consideration, + + THE SECRETARY OF THE PARIS ATHLETIC CONGRESS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "LEVIATHAN BAT." + +_Or Many-Centuried Marvel of the Modern_ (_Cricket_) _World, in his +high-soaring, top-scoring, Summer-day Flight._ (_Dr. William Gilbert +Grace._) + + As champion him the whole world hails, + Lords! How he smites and thumps! + It takes a week to reach the bails + When he's before the stumps. + +"_Chevy Chase_" (_revised_).] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CAUGHT AT LORD'S.--_Cambridge Swell._ "Aw, Public +Schools' match! Aw, nevar was at one before! Not so bad!" + +_Stumpy Oxonian._ "Ours in miniatu-are! Ours in miniatu-are!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EATIN' _v._ HARROW] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DELIGHTFUL OUT-DOOR EXERCISE IN WARM WEATHER + +Running after "another four!" at cricket, amidst derisive shouts of "Now +then, butter-fingers!"--"Oh! Oh"--"Throw it in! Look sharp!"--"Quick! In +with it!" &c. &c.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUGGESTION FOR THE CRICKET SEASON + +The new pneumatic leg guard. (_Mr. Punch's_ patent.)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FORM + +_Public School Boy_ (_to General Sir George, G.C.B., G.S.I., V.C., &c., +&c., &c._). I say, Grandpapa,--a--would you mind just putting on your +hat _a little straighter_? Here comes _Codgers_--he's awfully +particular--and he's the _captain of our eleven, you know_!"] + + * * * * * + +_Laura_ (_who wishes to master the mysteries of Cricket_). "But then, +Emily, what happens if the bowler gets out before the batter?" + + [_Emily gives it up!_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EATIN' BOY AT LORD'S] + + * * * * * + +SMALL BOY CRICKET.--_Father._ Well, and how did you get on? _Small Boy._ +Oh, I kept wicket and caught one out. It came off his foot. _Father._ +But that wouldn't be out. _Small Boy._ Oh, yes, it was. The umpire gave +it out. You see, it hit him "below the elbow." + + * * * * * + +TO CRICKETERS.--What would you give a thirsty batsman? Why, a _full +pitcher_. + + * * * * * + +CRICKETING AND FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.--We hear that a distinguished +member of the Cricketing Eleven of All England is going to be married. +It is said that the object of his affections is a Beautiful Catch. + + * * * * * + +WICKET JOKES + +_By Dumb-Crambo Junior._ + +[Illustration: WINNING THE TOSS] + +[Illustration: FOLLOWING ON, AND OPENING WITH A WIDE] + +[Illustration: EXCELLENT FIELDING] + +[Illustration: LONG STOP] + +[Illustration: BOWLING HIS OFF STUMP] + +[Illustration: CAUGHT AT THE WICKET] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRECEDENCE AT BATTERSEA + +"Garn! The treasurer goes in before the bloomin' seckertary!"] + + * * * * * + +THE CRY OF THE CRICKETER + +(_In a Pluvial Autumn._) + + Rain, rain, go away, + Come again before next May! + The driving shower and chilling raw gust + Are most inopportune in August. + Rain has a chance to reign, remember, + Till early summer from September. + Why come and spoil cricket's last pages, + Our wickets--and our averages? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LORD'S IN DANGER. THE M. C. C. GO OUT TO MEET THE ENEMY + + ["Sir Edward Watkin proposes to construct a railway passing through + Lord's Cricket Ground."] + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR OPENING MATCH.--"I say, Bill, you've got that pad on +the wrong leg." "Yus, I know. I thought as I were goin' in t' other +end!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "CRICKETING INTELLIGENCE."--_Sporting Old Parson_ (_to +professional player_). "why is a ball like that called a 'yorker,' sir?" +_Professional Player._ "a 'yorker,' sir? oh, when the ball's pitched +right up to the block----" _Sporting Parson._ "yes, yes--I didn't ask +you what a 'yorker' was"--(_with dignity_)--"I know that as well as you +do. But why is it called a 'yorker'?" _Professional Player._ "Well, I +can't say, sir. I don't know what else you could call it!"] + + * * * * * + +KING CRICKET + + The canny Scot may talk a lot + Of golf and its attraction, + And "putt" and "tee" for him may be + A source of satisfaction; + While maidens meek with rapture speak + Of croquet's fascination, + Tho' I suspect 'twere more correct + To call their game "flirtation." + But cricket's the thing for Summer and Spring! + Three cheers for cricket, of all games the king! + The man who boats his time devotes + To rowing or to sailing, + In shine or rain he has to train, + With energy unfailing. + A tennis set finds favour yet + With merry men and matrons. + In lazy souls the game of bowls + Is not without its patrons. + A day that's fine I do opine + Is much to be desired; + An "even pitch" I ask for, which + Is certainly required; + Then add to that a "steady bat," + A bowler "on the wicket," + A "field" that's "smart," then we can start + The noble game of cricket. + + * * * * * + +CRICKET + +_Drawn with a stump by Dumb-Crambo Junior._ + +[Illustration: BOWLING STARTED WITH A MAIDEN] + +[Illustration: A CUT FOR THREE] + +[Illustration: A DRIVE TO THE OFF FOR A COUPLE] + +[Illustration: CAUGHT AT SLIP] + +[Illustration: TAKEN AT POINT] + +[Illustration: WIDE BAWL AND BUY] + + * * * * * + +THE LADY CRICKETER'S GUIDE + +BOWLING. + +1. Should you desire to bowl leg-breaks, close the right eye. + +2. Off-breaks are obtained by closing the left eye. + +3. To bowl straight, close both. + +BATTING. + +1. Don't be afraid to leave the "popping" crease--there is another at +the other end. + +2. County cricketers use the curved side of the bat for driving. + +3. A "leg glance" is not football. + +4. When "over" is called, don't cross the wicket. + +FIELDING. + +1. Stop the ball with your feet. If you are unable to find it, step on +one side. + +2. To catch a ball, sit down gracefully and wait. + +3. When throwing in from the country, aim half-way up the pitch; you may +then hit one of the wickets--which one I don't know. + +_Postscript._ + +The spirit in which the game should be played is best shown by the +following extract from the _Leicester Daily Mercury_:-- + + BARROW LADIES _v._ THRUSSINGTON LADIES. + + "Barrow went in first, but were dismissed for sixteen. Only three + Thrussington ladies batted, owing to the Barrow team refusing to + field, because the umpire gave Miss Reid in for an appeal for run + out." + + * * * * * + +WHAT is the companion game to Parlour Croquet? Cricket on the Hearth. + + * * * * * + +EPITAPH ON AN OLD CRICKETER'S TOMBSTONE.--"Out at 70." + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC SONG FOR A CRICKETER.--"_Batti, Batti!_" + + * * * * * + +SENTIMENT FOR A CRICKET CLUB DINNER.--May the British Umpire rule the +wide world over. + + * * * * * + +CRICKET HITS + +_By Dumb-Crambo, off his own bat._ + +[Illustration: LONG LEG AND SHORT LEG] + +[Illustration: SHORT MID OFF] + +[Illustration: CUTTING FOR FOUR] + +[Illustration: A CLEAN BOWL] + + * * * * * + +THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES.--_Middlesex_ v. _Sussex_. + + * * * * * + +CRICKET MATCH TO COME OFF.--The Teetotallers' Eleven _v._ The Licensed +Victuallers'. + + * * * * * + +STUMP ORATIONS.--Speeches at cricket-club dinners. + + * * * * * + +OUR VILLAGE ELEVEN + +[Illustration: TOM BOWLING] + + Except at lunch, I cannot say + With truth that we are stayers; + Yet, though on village greens we play, + We're far from common players. + + The mason blocks with careful eye; + We dub him "Old Stonewall." + The blacksmith hammers hard and high, + And the spreading chestnuts fall. + + Sheer terror strikes our enemies + When comes the postman's knock, + Whereas his slow deliveries + Would suit the veriest crock. + + The butcher prides himself on chops; + His leg-cuts are a joke; + But when he lambs the slow long-hops + There's beef behind his stroke. + + The grocer seldom cracks his egg: + He cannot catch; he butters. + The gardener mows each ball to leg, + And trundles daisy-cutters. + + Our tailor's cut is world-renowned; + The coachman's drives are rare; + He'll either cart you from the ground + Or go home with a pair. + + The village constable is stout, + Yet tries short runs to win; + They say he's run more people out + Than ever he ran in. + + The curate (captain) every match + Bowls piffle doomed to slaughter, + But still is thought a splendid catch-- + By the vicar's elderly daughter. + + The watchmaker winds up the side, + But fails to time his pulls; + By now he must be well supplied + With pairs of spectacles. + + Our umpire's fair; he says "Not Out," + Or "Out," just as he thinks; + And gives the benefit of the doubt + To all who stand him drinks. + + No beatings (beatings are the rule) + Can make our pride diminish; + Last week we downed the Blind Boys' School + After a glorious finish! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ANIMAL SPIRITS" + +The Great Cricket Match. "England _v._ Australia." Umpires, the two +wombats.] + + * * * * * + +COCKNEY MOTTO FOR A FEEBLE CRICKETER.--"Take 'Art of GRACE!" + + * * * * * + +GOOD NEWS AFTER THE LAST CRICKET MATCH.--Rest for the wicket. + + * * * * * + +CRICKET HITS + +_By Dumb-Crambo, off his own bat._ + +[Illustration: STUMPED] + +[Illustration: CAUGHT OUT] + +[Illustration: RUN OUT] + +[Illustration: DRAWING THE STUMPS] + + * * * * * + +AT THE GENTLEMEN V. PLAYERS RETURN MATCH.--_New Yorker._ Say, can I get +a square meal here? + +_Waiter_ (_with dignity_). This, sir, is the Oval 2_s._ 6_d._ Luncheon. + + * * * * * + +DRAMATIC DUET + + _Sharp Person_ (_asks, singing_). In what hand should a cricketer write? + + _Dull Person_ (_answers, also singing_). I don't quite understand. + + _Sharp Person_ (_annoyed_). Shall I repeat-- + + _Sharper Person_ (_briskly sings_). Oh no! I see't, + He'll write in a _bowl'd round hand_. + + [_Exit_ SHARP PERSON L.H. SHARPER PERSON _dances off_ R.H. DULL + PERSON _is left thinking_. + + * * * * * + +A HUNDRED UP + +_Tommy_ (_reading daily paper_). What's a centenarian, Bill? + +_Bill_ (_promptly_). A cricketer, of course, who makes a hundred runs. + +_Tommy._ You don't say so. _I_ thought he was called a centurion. + + * * * * * + +A well-known cricketer was expecting an interesting family event. +Suddenly the nurse rushed into his smoking-room. "Well, nurse?" he said, +"what is it?" "Two fine byes," announced the nurse. + + * * * * * + +CRICKET HITS + +_By Dumb-Crambo, off his own bat._ + +[Illustration: PITCHING THE WICKET] + +[Illustration: A MAIDEN OVER----?] + +[Illustration: A DRIVE TO THE PAVILION] + +[Illustration: HOLDING A CATCH] + + * * * * * + +TO BE SEEN FOR NOTHING.--The play of the features. + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR BRITISH CRICKETERS.--Strike only at the ball! + + * * * * * + +A FEW QUESTIONS ON CRICKET + +_Q._ What is "fielding"? + +_A._ The author of _Tom Jones_. + +_Q._ How do you stop a ball? + +_A._ By putting out the lights. + +_Q._ When does a party change sides? + +_A._ When he's in bed, and got the fidgets. + +_Q._ What do you call "a long slip"? + +_A._ A hundred songs for a halfpenny. + +_Q._ How much is game? + +_A._ It depends whether it's in season. + + * * * * * + +FANCY our dear old lady's horror when she heard that last week, at +Lord's, a cricketer had bowled a maiden over. "Poor thing!" exclaimed +Mrs. R., "I hope she was picked up again quickly, and wasn't much hurt." + + * * * * * + +PHILOSOPHY AT THE POPPING CREASE + + "The glorious uncertainty?" why, to be sure, + That it _must_ be the slowest should see at a glance, + For cricket, as long as the sport shall endure, + _Must_ be in its nature a mere game of chance, + "'Tis all pitch and toss"; one can show it is so;-- + 'T isn't science or strength rules its losses or winnings. + Half depends on the "pitch"--of the wickets, you know, + The rest on the "toss"--for first innings. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bowler_ (_his sixth appeal for an obvious leg-before_). +"'Ow's that?" + +_Umpire_ (_drawing out watch_). "Well, he's been in ten minutes +now--Hout!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR VILLAGE CRICKET CLUB.--Tom Huggins, of the local fire +brigade, umpires for the visiting team in an emergency. Laden, as is +usual, with their wealth, watches, etc., he hears the fire-bell, and +obeys duty's call without loss of time!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LIMITATIONS OF FAME.--"And what are you?" "Oh, I'm +the wicket-keeper." "Then why aren't you busy taking the gate-money?"] + + * * * * * + +CON. FOR A CRICKETER + + Miss Nelly sits cool in the cricketer's booth + And watches the game, about which, in good sooth, + Her curious interest ne'er ceases. + She now wants to know of the flannel-clad youth, + However the wickets can well be kept smooth, + When she hears they are always _in creases_! + + * * * * * + +MILTONIC MEDITATION (_by a looker-on at lawn-tennis_).--"They also +_serve_ who only stand and wait." + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE TO THE SEASON.--_Q._ What is double as good a game as +Fives?--_A._ (_evident_) Tennis. + + * * * * * + +GOING TO THE DEUCE.--Getting thirty to forty at lawn-tennis. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION TO PROVINCIAL LAWN-TENNIS CLUB.--Why not give lawn-tennis +balls in costume during the winter? + + * * * * * + +MOST APPROPRIATE ATTIRE.--A "grass-lawn" tennis costume. + + * * * * * + +THE GAME FOR RACKETY BISHOPS.--Lawn-tennis. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Miss Delamode_ (_of Belgravia_). "Well, dear, I must be +off. Don't you love Lord's?" + +_Miss Dowdesley_ (_of Far-West Kensingtonia_). "I'm sure I should, +only----" (_immersed in her own dreams_)--"We don't know any!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR VILLAGE CRICKET CLUB + +I + +At our opening match, Spinner, the demon left-hander, was again in great +form. His masterly skill in placing the field, and his sound knowledge +of the game, really won the match for us. + +[Illustration: "About three feet nine to the right, please, +Colonel--that is to say, your right. That's it. Back a little, just +where the buff Orpington's feeding. Thanks."] + +II + +[Illustration: "You, Mr. Stewart, by this thistle. Just to save the +one, you know."] + +III + +[Illustration: His ruses were magnificent. When the Squire came in, +Spinner (who had previously held a private consultation with the other +bowler) shouted, "You won't want a fine leg for this man. Put him deep +and square." And then----] + +IV + +[Illustration: The Squire was neatly taken first ball off a glance at +fine leg by Spinner himself, who had crossed over (exactly as arranged) +from his place at slip.] + + * * * * * + +A TRILL FOR TENNIS + + Now lawn-tennis is beginning, and we'll set the balls a-spinning + O'er the net and on the greensward with a very careful aim; + You must work, as I'm a sinner, if you wish to prove a winner, + For we're getting scientific at this fascinating game. + + You must know when it is folly to attempt a clever "volley," + Or to give the ball when "serving" it an aggravating twist; + Though a neatly-made backhander may arouse a rival's dander, + You'll remember when you try it that it's very often missed. + + Though your play thrown in the shade is by the prowess of the ladies, + You must take your beating kindly with a smile upon your face; + And 'twill often be the duty of some tennis-playing beauty + To console you by remarking that defeat is not disgrace. + + For you doubtless find flirtation at this pleasant occupation + Is as easy as at croquet; when you're "serving" by _her_ side, + You can hint your tender feeling, all your state of mind revealing, + And, when winning "sets" together, you may find you've won a bride. + + So we'll don the flannel jacket, and take out the trusty racket, + And though other folks slay pigeons, we'll forswear that cruel sport, + And through summer seek a haven on the sward so smoothly shaven, + With the whitened lines _en règle_ for a neat lawn-tennis court. + + * * * * * + +THE PLACE FOR LAWN-TENNIS.--"_Way down in Tennessee._" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SKETCH AT LORD'S + +_Eva_ (_for the benefit of Maud, who is not so well-informed_). "--and +those upright sticks you see are the _wickets_. Harrow's in at one end, +and Eton's in at the other, you know!"] + + * * * * * + +A POLONAISE + +"_Nemo me on pony lacessit._" + + Mad bards, I hear, have gaily trolled + The boundless joys of cricket; + Have praised the bowler and the bowled + And keeper of the wicket. + I cannot join their merry song-- + _Non valeo sed volo_-- + But really I can come out strong, + Whene'er I sing of Polo! + + Let golfophiles delight to air + Their putter-niblick learning; + And, scarlet-coated, swipe and swear + When summer sun is burning! + Let _artful cards_ sit up and pass + Their nights in playing bolo; + But let me gambol--o'er the grass-- + And make my game at Polo! + + On chequered chess-boards students gaze + O'er futile moves oft grieving; + With knights content to pass their days, + And constant checks receiving. + 'Mid kings and queens I have no place, + _Espiscopari nolo_-- + I'd rather o'er the greensward race, + And find no check in Polo! + + Then let me have my supple steed-- + Good-tempered, uncomplaining-- + So sure of foot, so rare in speed, + In perfect polo training. + And let me toast in rare old port, + In Heidsieck or Barolo, + In shady-gaff or something short-- + The keen delights of Polo! + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR CROQUET.--"She Stoops to Conquer." + + * * * * * + +IN-DOOR AMUSEMENT FOR OLD PEOPLE.--The game of croakey. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO LEARN TO LOVE YOUR ENEMIES.--Play at croquet. + + * * * * * + +FOR THE DRAWING-ROOM (_When there's a dead silence._)--My first is a +bird; my second's a letter of the alphabet: my whole is some game. + +_Explanation._ Crow. K. (_Croquet._) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lucy Mildmay_ (_who is fond of technical terms_). "By +the way--a--are they playing '_Rugby_' or '_Association_'?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OUT! FIRST BALL! A CATCH!!"] + + * * * * * + +A PLAYER who sprained his wrist at lawn-tennis explained that "he had +been trying a regular _wrenchaw_, and did it effectually." + + * * * * * + +SPORTIVE SONG + +AN OLD CROQUET-PLAYER RUMINATES + + I like to see a game revive + Like flower refreshed by rain, + And so I say, "May croquet thrive, + And may it live again!" + It brings back thoughts of long ago, + And memories most sweet, + When Amy loved her feet to show + In shoes too small, but neat. + + I think I can see Amy now, + Her vengeful arm upraised + To croquet me to where a cow + Unheeding chewed and grazed. + And Amy's prowess with the ball + Reminds me that her style + Was not so taking after all + As Fanny's skill _plus_ smile. + + Yes! Fanny had a winsome laugh, + That round her mouth would wreath, + And make me wonder if her chaff + Was shaped to show her teeth. + They were so pretty, just like pearls + Set fast in carmine case; + Still in the match between the girls + Selina won the race. + + Selina had such lustrous eyes + Of real sapphire blue, + They seemed one's soul to mesmerise, + And looked one through and through. + Yet Agnes I cannot forget, + She brought me joy with pain. + I would that we had never met---- + "Your stroke!" That voice! My Jane! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bowler._ "How's that?" _Umpire._ "Wasn't looking. But if +'e does it again, 'e's out!"] + + * * * * * + +CROQUET + + O feeblest game, how strange if you should rise + To favour, _vice_ tennis superseded! + And yet beneath such glowing summer skies + When wildest energy is invalided, + Mere hitting balls through little hoops + Seems work enough. One merely stoops, + And lounges round; no other toil is needed. + + Upon a breezy lawn beneath the shade + Of rustling trees that hide the sky so sunny, + I'll play, no steady game as would be played + By solemn, earnest folks as though for money-- + For love is better. Simply stoop, + And hit the ball. It's through the hoop! + My partner smiles; she seems to think it funny. + + My pretty partner, whose bright, laughing eyes + Gaze at me while I aim another blow; lo, + I've missed because I looked at her! With sighs + I murmur an apologetic solo. + The proudest athlete here might stoop, + To hit a ball just through a hoop, + And say the game--with her--beats golf and polo. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CRICKET--THE PRIDE OF THE VILLAGE + +"Good match, old fellow?" + +"Oh, yes; awfully jolly!" + +"What did you do?" + +"I 'ad a hover of Jackson; the first ball 'it me on the 'and, the second +'ad me on the knee; the third was in my eye; and the fourth bowled me +out!" + + [_Jolly game._ + +] + + * * * * * + +ADVICE TO YOUNG CROQUET-PLAYERS + +[Illustration] + +1. Always take your own mallet to a garden party. This will impress +everyone with the idea that you are a fine player. Or an alternative +plan is to play with one provided by your host, and then throughout the +game to attribute every bad stroke to the fact that you have not your +own implement with you. + +[Illustration] + +2. Use as many technical terms as you can, eking them out with a few +borrowed from golf. Thus it will always impress your partner if you say +that you are "stimied," especially as she won't know what it means. But +a carefully-nurtured reputation may be destroyed at once if you confuse +"roquet" with "croquet," so be very careful that you get these words +right. + +3. Aim for at least three minutes before striking the ball, and appear +overcome with amazement when you miss. If you have done so many times in +succession, it may be well to remark on the unevenness of the ground. If +you hit a ball by mistake always pretend that you aimed at it. + +4. It is a great point to give your partner advice in a loud and +authoritative tone--it doesn't matter in the least whether it is +feasible or not. Something like the following, said very quickly, always +sounds well:--"Hit one red, take two off him and make your hoop; send +two red towards me and get into position." In a game of croquet there is +always one on each side who gives advice, and one who receives (and +disregards) it. All the lookers-on naturally regard the former as the +finer player, therefore begin giving advice on your partner's first +stroke. If she happens to be a good player this may annoy her, but that +is no consequence. + +5. Remember that "a mallet's length from the boundary" varies +considerably. If you play next, it means three yards, if your opponent +does so, it means three inches. So, too, with the other "rules," which +no one really knows. When in an awkward position, the best course is to +invent a new rule on the spur of the moment, and to allege (which will +be perfectly true) that "it has just been introduced." + +[Illustration: GENUINE ENTHUSIASM] + +6. Much may be done by giving your ball a gentle kick when the backs of +the other players happen to be turned. Many an apparently hopeless game +has been saved by this method. Leave your conscience behind when you +come to a croquet-party. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +SWEET NAME FOR YOUNG LADIES PLAYING CROQUET.--Hammerdryads. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +THE POET OF CROQUET.--Mallet. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LAWN-TENNIS COSTUME + +(_Designed by Mr. Punch._)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NOUVELLES COUCHES SOCIALES!" + +"I say, uncle, that was young Baldock that went by,--Wilmington Baldock, +you know----!" + +"Who the dickens is _he_?" + +"What! haven't you heard of him? Hang it! he's making himself a very +first-rate position in the _lawn-tennis_ world, I can _tell_ you!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SPORTING."--_Cabby_ (_on the rank at the top of our +square_.) "Beg your pardon, miss!--'takin' the liberty--but--'ow does +the game stand now, miss? 'Cause me and this 'ere 'ansom's gota dollar +on it!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE + +_Auntie._ "Archie, run up to the house, and fetch my racket. There's a +dear!" + +_Archie_ (_preparing to depart_). "All right. But I say, auntie, don't +let anybody take my seat, will you?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BARBAROUS TECHNICALITIES OF LAWN-TENNIS.--_Woolwich +Cadet_ (_suddenly, to his poor grandmother, who has had army on the +brain ever since he passed his exam._). "The service is awfully severe, +by Jove! Look at Colonel Pendragon--he invariably _shoots or hangs_!" +_His Poor Grandmother._ "Good Heavens, Algy! I hope you won't be in +_his_ regiment!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COMFORTING + +_Proud Mother._ "Did you _ever_ see anybody so light and slender as dear +Algernon, Jack?" + +_Uncle Jack_ (_at thirty-five_). "Oh, you mustn't trouble about _that_, +Maria. I was _exactly_ his build at eighteen!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DONKEYS HAVE EARS."--_Emily_ (_playing at lawn-tennis +with the new curate_). "What's the game, now, Mr. Miniver?" _Curate._ +"Forty--Love." _Irreverent Gardener_ (_overhearing_). "Did y'ever hear +such imperence! 'Love,' indeed! And him not been in the parish above a +week! Just like them parsons!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LAWN-TENNIS UNDER DIFFICULTIES--"PLAY!" + +If space is limited, there is no reason why one shouldn't play with +one's next-door neighbours, over the garden wall. (One needn't visit +them, you know!)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Stout Gentleman_ (_whose play had been conspicuously +bad_). "I'm such a wretched feeder, you see, Mrs. Klipper--a wretched +feeder! Always was!" + +_Mrs. Klipper_ (_who doesn't understand lawn-tennis_). "Indeed! Well, I +should never have thought it!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _She._ "What a fine looking man Mr. O'Brien is!" + +_He._ "H'm--hah--rather rough-hewn, I think. Can't say I admire that +loud-laughing, strong-voiced, robust kind of man. Now that's a +fine-looking woman he's talking to!" + +_She._ "Well--er--somewhat _effeminate_, you know. Confess I don't +admire _effeminate_ women!"] + + * * * * * + +LAWN-TENNIS LOBS + +(_Served by Dumb-Crambo Junior._) + +[Illustration: GENTLEMEN'S DOUBLES] + +[Illustration: SMART SERVICE] + +[Illustration: LADIES SINGLES] + +[Illustration: BACK PLAY] + +[Illustration: A SPLENDID RALLY] + +[Illustration: SMOTHERING THE BAWL] + +[Illustration: DEUCE!] + +[Illustration: TWO SETS TO ONE] + +[Illustration: PLAYING UP TO THE NET] + +[Illustration: LOVE GAME] + + * * * * * + +THE SPORT OF THE FUTURE + + ["The lawns that were erstwhile cumbered with tennis nets now + bristle with croquet hoops, and the sedate mallet has driven out + the frisky racquet."--_The World._] + + Welcome, Reason, on the scene, + Milder influences reviving! + Far too long have pastimes been + Senseless, useless, arduous striving, + Brutalising men of strength, + Dangerous to those who lack it: + Lo! it speaks their doom at length-- + The decadence of the racket. + + Purged from customs fierce and rude + Soon shall sports become more gentle, + (As the grosser kinds of food + Yield the palm to bean and lentil), + Roller skates long since are "off," + Tennis is no longer O.K., + Rivals threaten even golf + As the fashion sets for croquet. + + Hence, then, cricket, young and vain, + Football, fraught with brutal bustle, + You at Reason's light shall wane-- + Modern upstart cult of muscle; + So may purer tastes begin + All our fiercer games refining, + Till, when spelicans come in, + _I_ may get a chance of shining. + +[Illustration: LINE BALL] + +[Illustration: OUT OF COURT] + + * * * * * + +MORE LAWN TENNIS LOBS + +(_Served by Dumb-Crambo Junior._) + +[Illustration: A LET] + +[Illustration: 'VAUNT-AGE] + +[Illustration: SERVING CAUGHT] + +[Illustration: SCREW AND TWISTER] + +[Illustration: THE "WRENCHER (RENSHAW) SMASH"] + +[Illustration: SMART RETURNS.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GOLDEN MEMORIES.--"I wonder why Mr. Poppstein serves with +three balls?" "Old associations, I suppose."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Smith._ "Let me put your name down for this tournament?" + +_Jones_ (_who thinks himself another Renshaw, and doesn't care to play +with a scratch lot_). "A--thanks--no! I'd _rather_ not!" + +_Smith._ "Oh, they're frightful duffers, _all_ of them! You'll stand a +very fair chance! _Do!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROFESSIONAL JEALOUSY.--_Miss Matilda_ (_referring to her +new lawn tennis shoes, black, with india-rubber soles_). "The worst of +it is, they _draw_ the feet so!" _Our Artist_ (_an ingenuous and +captivating youth_). "Ah, they _may_ draw the feet; but they'll _never +do justice to yours_, Miss Matilda!" + + [_Sighs deeply._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRIALS OF THE UMPIRE AT A LADIES' DOUBLE + +_Lilian and Claribel._ "It was out, _wasn't_ it, Captain Standish?" + +_Adeline and Eleanore._ "Oh, it _wasn't_ out, Captain Standish, was +it?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID + +_She._ "Would you mind putting my lawn tennis shoes in your pockets, Mr. +Green?" + +_He._ "I'm afraid my pockets are hardly big enough, Miss Gladys; but I +shall be delighted to _carry_ them for you!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Excited Young Lady._ "Father, directly this set is over +get introduced to the little man by the fireplace, and make him come to +our party on Tuesday. _Her Father._ "Certainly, my dear, if you wish it. +But--er--he's rather a scrubby little person, isn't he?" _Excited Young +Lady._ "Father, do you know _who_ he is? They tell me he is the amateur +champion of Peckham! I don't suppose he'll play; but if you can get him +just to look in, that will be _something_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NICE QUIET GAME FOR THE HOME.--This is only a little +game of "Ping-pong" in progress, and some of the balls are missing!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PING-PONG IN THE STONE AGE] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: The first time Captain F. tried to play that pony he +picked up so cheaply, he found it true to the description given of it by +the late owner, who guaranteed it _not in the least afraid of the +stick_]. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LONG SHOT. (_Before the commencement of the polo +match_).--_Young Lady_ (_making her first acquaintance with the game_). +"Oh, I wish you would begin. I'm so anxious to see the sweet ponie kick +the ball about!" + + [_Her only excuse is that she hails from a great football county._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR LOCAL POLO MATCH + +_Excited Drummer._ "Vat! He iss your only ball? Ach, donner und blitzen! +he haf proke insides my only drum! You pay ze drum, you haf ze ball!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "If you have any raw ponies, always play them in big +matches; it gets them accustomed to the crowd, and the band, and +things."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT HURLINGHAM.--_Captain Smith_ (_who is showing his +cousins polo for the first time_). "Well, what do you think of it?" +_Millicent._ "Oh, we think it is a _ripping_ game. It must be such +_awfully_ good practice for croquet!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE POSSIBILITIES OF CROQUET + +The above represents the game of "All against All," as played by Brown, +Miss Jones, and the Major.] + + * * * * * + +EJACULATIONS + +_On being asked to play Croquet, A.D. 1894._ + + ["It is impossible to visit any part of the country without + realising the fact that the long-discredited game of Croquet is + fast coming into vogue again.... This is partly owing to the + abolition of 'tight croqueting.'"--_Pall Mall Gazette._] + + Eh? What? Why? How? + Are we back in the Sixties again? + I am rubbing my eyes--is it _then_, or now? + I'm a _Rip Van Winkle_, it's plain! + + Hoop, Ball, Stick, Cage? + Eh, fetch them all out once more? + Why, look, they're begrimed and cracked with age, + And their playing days are o'er! + + Well--yes--here goes + For a primitive chaste delight! + Let us soberly, solemnly beat our foes, + For Croquet's no longer "tight"! + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CHARLES KEENESQUE CROQUET PERIOD. 1866] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN OBJECTIONABLE OLD MAN.--_Young Ladies._ "Going to make +a flower-bed here, Smithers? Why, it'll quite spoil our croquet ground!" +_Gardener._ "Well, that's yer Pa's orders, Miss! He'll hev' it laid out +for 'orticultur', not for 'usbandry'".] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SWEET DELUSION.--_Chorus of Young Ladies_ (_speaking +technically_). "No _spooning_, Mr. Lovel! No _spooning_ allowed _here_!" +_Miss Tabitha_ (_with the long curls_). "Those naughty, _n-n-naughty_ +girls! I suppose they allude to you and me, Mr. Lovel. But, lor'! never +mind them!--_I_ don't."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO READY!--_Snooks_ (_coming out conversationally_). "I +think that every woman who is not out-and-out plain considers herself a +beauty." _Miss Rinkle._ "Does that include _me_?" _Snooks._ "Oh, of +course not!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MOMENTOUS QUESTION + +_Eligible Bachelor._ "Shall I follow you up, Annie; or leave myself for +Lizzie?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: [According to _Country Life_, Croquet, which was revived +last summer, is likely to increase in popularity this year. A splendid +opportunity to revive the pastime and the costumes of the early sixties +at the same time.] + +] + + * * * * * + +THE WOOING + + [The sporting instinct is now so keen among girls that a man who + gallantly moderates his hitting in mixed hockey is merely regarded + as an _incapable slacker_ by his fair opponents.] + + When first I played hockey with Kitty, + I was right off my usual game, + For she looked so bewitchingly pretty + When straight for the circle she came; + As a rule I'm not backward, or chary, + Of hitting and harassing too, + But who can be rough with a fairy-- + Not I--so I let her go through. + + She scored, and we couldn't get equal; + The others all thought me a fool, + And Kitty herself, in the sequel, + Grew most unexpectedly cool. + They gave us a licking, as stated, + I was sick at the sight of the ball, + She thought me a lot over-rated, + And wondered they played me at all. + + But she frankly approved Percy Waters, + Who uses his stick like a flail, + And always impartially slaughters + Both sexes, the strong and the frail; + A mutual friendliness followed, + I watched its career with dismay-- + Next match-day my feelings I swallowed. + And hit in my orthodox way. + + I caught her a crunch on the knuckle, + A clip on the knee and the cheek, + She said, with a rapturous chuckle, + "I see--you weren't trying last week." + Such conduct its cruelty loses + When it brings consolation to both, + For after she'd counted her bruises + That evening we plighted our troth. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN ALARMING THREAT.--_Miss Dora_ (_debating her stroke_). +"I have a great mind to knock you into the bushes Mr. Pipps!" + + [_Mr. Pipps (who is a complete novice at the game) contemplates instant + flight. He was just on the point of proposing, too._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LADIES AT HOCKEY + +(_From an old Print._)] + + * * * * * + +THE PURSUIT OF BEAUTY + + I saw an aged, aged man + One morning near the Row, + Who sat, dejected and forlorn, + Till it was time to go. + It made me quite depressed and bad + To see a man so wholly sad-- + I went and told him so. + + I asked him why he sat and stared + At all the passers-by, + And why on ladies young and fair + He turned his watery eye. + He looked at me without a word, + And then--it really was absurd-- + The man began to cry. + + But when his rugged sobs were stayed-- + It made my heart rejoice-- + He said that of the young and fair + He sought to make a choice. + He was an artist, it appeared-- + I might have guessed it by his beard, + Or by his gurgling voice. + + His aim in life was to procure + A model fit to paint + As "Beauty on a Pedestal," + Or "Figure of a Saint." + But every woman seemed to be + As crooked as a willow tree-- + His metaphors were quaint. + + "And have you not observed," he asked, + "That all the girls you meet + Have either 'Hockey elbows' or + Ungainly 'Cycling feet'? + Their backs are bent, their faces red, + From 'Cricket stoop,' or 'Football head.'" + He spoke to me with heat. + + "But have you never found," I said, + "Some girl without a fault? + Are all the women in the world + Misshapen, lame or halt?" + He gazed at me with eyes aglow, + And, though the tears had ceased to flow, + His beard was fringed with salt. + + "There was a day, I mind it well, + A lady passed me by + In whose physique my searching glance + No blemish could descry. + I followed her at headlong pace, + But when I saw her, face to face, + _She had the 'Billiard eye'!_" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Di got me to play hockey. Never again!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Our great hockey match was in full swing, when a horrid +cow, from the adjoining meadow, strolled on the ground. Play was by +general consent postponed."] + + * * * * * + +MIXED HOCKEY + + You came down the field like a shaft from a bow + The vision remains with me yet. + I hastened to check you: the sequel you know: + Alas! we unluckily met. + You rushed at the ball, whirled your stick like a flail, + And you hit with the vigour of two: + A knight in his armour had surely turned pale, + If he had played hockey with you. + + They gathered me up, and they took me to bed: + They called for a doctor and lint: + With ice in a bag they enveloped my head; + My arm they enclosed in a splint. + My ankles are swelled to a terrible size; + My shins are a wonderful blue; + I have lain here a cripple, unable to rise, + Since the day I played hockey with you. + + Yet still, in the cloud hanging o'er me so black, + A silvery lining I spy: + A man who's unhappily laid on his back + Can yet have a solace. May I? + An angel is woman in moments of pain, + Sang Scott: clever poet, _he_ knew: + It may, I perceive, be distinctly a gain + To have fallen at hockey with you. + + For if you'll but nurse me (Come quickly, come now), + If you'll but administer balm, + And press at my bidding my feverish brow + With a cool but affectionate palm; + If you'll sit by my side, it is possible, quite, + That I may be induced to review + With a feeling more nearly akin to delight + That day I played hockey with you. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Major Bunker_ (_who has been persuaded to join in a game +of hockey for the first time, absent-mindedly preparing to drive_). +"Fore."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR LADIES' HOCKEY CLUB + +Miss Hopper cannot understand how it is she is always put "in goal." But +really the explanation is so simple. There's no room for a ball to get +past her.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Extract from Mabel's Correspondence._--"We had a scratch +game with the 'Black and Blue' club yesterday, but had an awful job to +get any men. Enid's brother and a friend of his turned up at the last +moment; but they didn't do much except call 'offside' or 'foul' every +other minute, and they were both as nervous as cats!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR LADIES' HOCKEY CLUB + +One of the inferior sex who volunteered to umpire soon discovered his +office was no sinecure.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HARE AND HOUNDS--AND MAY THEIR SHADOWS NEVER GROW +LESS.--_Mrs. Miniver._ "How exhausted they look, poor fellows! Fancy +doing that sort of thing for mere pleasure!" _Little Timpkins_ (_his +bosom swelling with national pride_). "Ah, but it's all through doing +that sort of thing for _mere pleasure_, mind you, that we English +are--_what we are_!" + + [_Bully for little Timpkins!_ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HARE AND HOUNDS--AND DONKEY + +"Seen two men with bags of paper pass this way?"--"No!" "Did they tell +you to say no?"--"Yes."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HAPPY THOUGHT.--The good old game of "Hare and Hounds," +or "Paper-Chase," is still played in the northern suburbs of London +during the winter. Why should not young ladies be the hares?] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MEETING OF THE "BANDY" ASSOCIATION + +For the promotion of "Hockey on the Ice."] + + * * * * * + +AN IDYL ON THE ICE + + Fur-apparelled for the skating, + Comes the pond's acknowledged Belle: + I am duly there in waiting, + For I'll lose no time in stating + That I love the lady well. + + Then to don her skates, and surely + Mine the task to fit them tight, + Strap and fasten them securely, + While she offers me, demurely, + First the left foot then the right. + + Off she circles, swiftly flying + To the pond's extremest verge; + Then returning, and replying + With disdain to all my sighing, + And the love I dare not urge. + + Vainly do I follow after, + She's surrounded in a trice, + Other men have come and chaffed her, + And the echo of her laughter + Comes across the ringing ice. + + Still I've hope, a hope that never + In my patient heart is dead; + Though fate for a time might sever, + Though she skated on for ever, + I would follow where she fled. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED + +"I am down again!"--_Cymbeline_, Act V., Sc. 5.] + + * * * * * + +TO FOOTBALL + + Farewell to thee, Cricket, + Thy last match is o'er; + Thy bat, ball, and wicket + Are needed no more. + To thy sister we turn, + For her coming we pray; + Her worshippers burn + For the heat of the fray. + + Hail! Goddess of battle, + Yet hated of Ma(r)s, + How ceaseless their tattle + Of tumbles and scars! + Such warnings are vain, + For thy rites we prepare, + Youth is yearning again + In thy perils to share. + + Broken limbs and black eyes + May, perchance, be our lot; + But grant goals and ties + And we care not a jot. + Too sacred to name + With thy posts, ball, and field, + There is no winter game + To which thou canst yield. + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR AN IMPECUNIOUS FOOTBALL CLUB.--"More kicks than halfpence." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS + +During a considerable portion of the year the skating was excellent, and +was much enjoyed by all classes.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Little Jones_ (_to lady who has just collided with +him_). "I-I-I-I beg your pardon! I-I-I hope I haven't hurt you!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GENUINE ENTHUSIASM + +(_A Thaw Picture._) + +What matter an inch or two of surface-water, if the ice be still sound +underneath!] + + * * * * * + +"LE FOOTE-BALLE" + +_Offices of the Athletic Convention, Paris._ + +MONSIEUR,--Having already expressed my views as to the capabilities +possessed by "Le Cricquette" for becoming a national game worthy the +attention of the young sporting gentlemen of our modern France, I now +turn me to the consideration of your "Foote-Balle." + +I have examined the apparatus for the play you have so kindly sent +over,--the great leathern bag of wind which is kicked, "_les_ +Goalpoles", and the regulations for the playing of the game, and have +seen your fifteen professional County "kicksmen" engage,--I shudder as I +recall the terrible sight,--in a contest, horrible, murderous, and +demoniacal, with an equal number of my unhappy compatriots, alas! in +their enthusiasm and _élan_, ignorant of the deadly struggle that +awaited them in the game in which they were about innocently to join. To +witness the savage rush of your professional kicksmen was terrifying, +and when, in displaying "_le scrimmage_", they scattered, with the +kicks of their legs, my fainting compatriots, who fell lamed and wounded +in all directions, I said to myself, this "Foote-Balle" is not a +pastime, it is an encounter of wild beasts, "_un vrai carnage_," fit to +be played, not by civilised sporting gentlemen, but by cannibals. + +But let me explain that it is not the kick to which I object, for is not +_le coup de pied_ the national defence of France? Indeed, in your own +fist contest in "Le Boxe-Match," is not to deliver a kick in the jaw of +your antagonist considered a meritorious _coup_, showing great skill in +the boxeman? And do not our own _garçons de collège_ kick a _confrère_ +when he is "down," and point to the circumstance with a legitimate pride +and satisfaction? No, it is not _le coup de pied_ which makes horrible +"Le Foote-Balle," but the conspiracy organised of the kicksmen--_Les +Demidos_ (the 'alf-backs), _Les En Avants_ (the Forwards), and the +"Goal-keepers"--all to kick the leathern bag of wind at once, and so +produce a murderous _mêlée_ in which arms, legs, ribs, thighs, necks, +and spines are all broken together, and may be heard simultaneously +cracking by any of the terror-struck but helpless spectators who are +watching the ghastly contest. + +Viewing the game under this aspect, you will not be surprised to hear +that my Committee have, as they did in dealing with "Le Cricquette," +revised the rules and regulations for the playing of your "Foote-Balle," +so as to suit it to the tastes and requirements of the rising generation +of our Modern France. I cannot at present furnish you with full details +of the suggested modifications, but I may inform you that it has been +unanimously decided that the "Balle," which is to be of "some light, +airy, floating material, and three times its present size," is not to be +touched by the foot at all, but struck lightly by the palm of the hand, +and thus wafted harmlessly, with a smart smack, over the heads of the +combatants. + +As to costume, the game is to be played in white satin bed-room +slippers, with (as a protection in the event, spite every possible +precaution, of "_le scrimmage_" arising) feather pillows strapped over +the knees and chest. It is calculated by our Committee that the savage +proclivities of the game, as fostered by the terrible rules of your +murderous "Rugby Association," will be thus, in some measure, +counteracted. + +Hoping soon to hear from you on the subject of your _Courses d'Eau_, as +I shall doubtless have some suggestions to make in reference to the +conduct of your aquatic contests, receive, Monsieur, the assurance of my +most distinguished consideration, + +THE SECRETARY TO THE CONGRESS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Oh, I say, they're gone for a rope or something. Awfully +sorry, you know, I can't come any nearer, but I'll stay here and talk to +you."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Nemesis.--Inquisitive Old Gentleman. "Who's won?" + +First Football Player. "We've lost!" + +Inquisitive Old Gentleman. "What have you got in that bag?" + +Second Football Player. "The umpire!"] + + * * * * * + +PROFESSIONALS OF THE FLOOR AND FIELD. + + Exactly the same, though not so in name, + Are dancing and football "pros." + For both money make and salaries take + For supporting the ball with their toes. + + * * * * * + +ETON FOOTBALL + +(_Special Report by Dumb-Crambo Junior._) + +[Illustration: CORNER] + +[Illustration: FLYING MAN] + +[Illustration: POST AND BACK UP POST] + +[Illustration: LONG BEHIND AND SHORT BEHIND] + +[Illustration: OLD EAT-ONIONS] + +[Illustration: THE USUAL BULLY] + +[Illustration: AFTER THE KICK-OFF JAMES EFFECTED A FINE RUN,] + +[Illustration: WHICH HE FINISHED UP BY SENDING THE BALL JUST OVER THE +CROSS BAR] + +[Illustration: CHANGE WAS ANNOUNCED] + +[Illustration: A SCRIM-AGE] + +[Illustration: TIME WAS THEN CALLED] + +[Illustration: THEY MADE ONE ROUGE] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: How the goal-keeper appears to the opposing forward, who +is about to shoot.] + +[Illustration: And how the goal-keeper _feels_ when the opposing forward +is about to shoot.] + + * * * * * + +THAT FOOT-BALL + +_An Athletic Father's Lament._ + + What was it made me cricket snub, + And force my seven sons to sub- + sidize a local "Rugby" Club? + That Foot-ball! + + Yet, what first drew from me a sigh, + When Tom, my eldest, missed a "try," + But got instead a broken thigh? + That Foot-ball! + + What in my second, stalwart Jack, + Caused some inside machine to crack, + And kept him ten months on his back--? + That Foot-ball! + + What brought my third, unhappy Ted, + To fade and sink, and keep his bed, + And finally go off his head?-- + That Foot-ball! + + My fourth and fifth, poor John and Jim, + What made the sight of one so dim? + What made the other lack a limb? + That Foot-ball! + + Then Frank, my sixth, who cannot touch + The ground unaided by a crutch, + Alas! of what had he too much? + That Foot-ball! + + The seventh ends the mournful line, + Poor Stephen with his fractured spine, + A debt owe these good sons of mine, + That Foot-ball! + + And as we pass the street-boys cry, + "Look at them cripples!" I but sigh, + "You're right, my friends. But would you fly + A lot like ours; oh, do not try + That Foot-ball!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Uncle Dick._ "Ah yes, cricket is a fine game, no +doubt--a very fine game. But football now! That's the game to make your +hair curl!"] + +_Miss Dulcie_ (_meditatively_). "Do you play football much, uncle?"] + + * * * * * + +ETON FOOTBALL + +(_By Dumb-Crambo Junior._) + +[Illustration: MIXED WALL "GAME"] + +[Illustration: FOUR SHIES TO LOVE] + +[Illustration: THE "DEMONS" TOOK PART IN THE GAME.--_Newspaper Report_] + +[Illustration: FURKING OUT THE _BAWL_ FROM THE BULLIES] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANIMAL SPIRITS + +Football. "The Zambesi Scorchers."] + + * * * * * + +FOOT-BALL À LA MODE + + [Hardly a week passes without our hearing of one or more dangerous + accidents at football.] + + A manly game it is, I think, + Although in private be it spoken, + While at a scrimmage I don't shrink, + That bones may be too often broken. + I snapped my clavicle last week, + Just like the rib of an umbrella; + And sprained my ankle, not to speak + Of something wrong with my _patella_. + + Last season, too, my leg I broke, + And lay at home an idle dreamer, + It's not considered quite a joke + To contemplate a broken _femur_. + And when, despite the doctor's hints, + Again at foot-ball I had tussles, + I found myself once more in splints, + With damaged gastronomic muscles. + + Some three times every week my head, + Is cut, contused, or sorely shaken; + My friends expect me brought home dead, + But up to now I've saved my bacon. + But what are broken bones, my boys, + Compared with noble recreation? + The scrimmages and all the joys + Of Rugby or Association! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ASSOCIATION _V._ RUGBY + +_She_ (_plaintively--to famous Rugby half-back_). "_Would_ it get you +very much out of practice if we were to dance 'socker' a little."] + + * * * * * + +OPEN LETTER TO A PAIR OF FOOTBALL BOOTS + +(_With acknowledgments to Mr. C. B. Fry in the "Daily Express"_) + +DEAR OLD PALS,--I want to speak to you seriously and as man to man, +because you're not mere dead hide, are you? No, no, you are intelligent, +sentient soles, and to be treated as such by every player. + +Ah! booties, booties, you little beauties, what a lot you mean to us, +don't you? and how hardly we use you. + +I've known men to take you off after a game, hurl you--as Jove hurled +his thunderbolts--into a corner of the pav. and there leave you till you +are next required. + +Ah! old men, that's not right, is it? How would we great machines of +bone, muscle, and nerve-centre (ah! those nerve-centres, what tricky +things they are!), how would we be for the next match if we were treated +like that? Pretty stiff and stale, eh, old booties? + +Now, look here, when we come in after a hard, slogging game, our bodies +and the grey matter in our brains thoroughly exhausted, immediately +we've had our bath, our rub-down, and our cup of steaming hot Hercubos +(I find Hercubos the finest thing to keep fit on during a hard season) +we must turn our attention to you, booties. + +First, out from our little bag must come our piece of clean, sweet +selvyt. With it all that nasty black slime that gets into your pores and +makes you crack must be wiped off. Now, before a good blazing fire of +coal--not coke, mind, the fumes of a coke fire pale and de-oxygenate the +red corpuscles of our blood, you know--we must carefully warm you till +you are ripe to receive a real good dousing of our Porpo (I find Porpo +the finest thing for keeping boots soft and pliable). + +Finally, with a white silk handkerchief we must give you a soft +polishing, and there you are, sweet and trim against our next match. +Every morning you may be sure we will, like Boreas, drive away the +clouds of dust that collect on you. + +And then there are the laces to attend to. Oh, yes, your laces are like +our nerve-fibres, the little threads that keep the whole big body taut +and sound. They, too, must have a good rubbing of Porpo and a rest if +they need it. + +Ah! and won't you repay our trouble, booties, when next we slip you on? +How tightly you will clasp us just above the tubercles of our tibiæ, how +firmly you will grip our pliant toes, how you will help us to send the +ball swishing--low and swift--into the well-tarred net! + +Good-night, booties. + + * * * * * + +THE "BALL OF THE SEASON."--Foot-ball. + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE FOOTBALL FIXTURE FOR THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER.--A match against +Guy's. + +[Illustration: "The Shinner Quartette;" or, Musical Football.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RESEARCHES IN ANCIENT SPORTS.--Football match. Romulus +Rovers _v_. Nero Half-Backs.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS.--The annual football match between the +Old Red Sandstone Rovers and the Pliocene Wanderers was immensely and +deservedly popular!!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUNDAY FOOTBALL.--"Just look what your boys have done to +my hat, Mrs. Jones!" "Oh, the dears! Oh, I _am_ so sorry! Now, Tom and +Harry, say how sorry _you_ are, and Mr. Lambourne won't mind!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SOCKER" ON THE BRAIN.--_Harry._ "Smart sort that on the +right--forward." _Tom_ (_a devoted "footer"_). "Right forward? Oh! no +good forward; but looks like making a fair 'half-back'!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EXCHANGE! + +_Togswell (in the washing room at the office, proceeding to dress for +the De Browncy's dinner-party)._ "Hullo! What the dooce"--(_pulling out, +in dismay, from black bag, a pair of blue flannel tights, a pink striped +jersey, and a spiked canvas shoe_).--"Confound it! Yes!--I must have +taken that fellow's bag who said he was going to the athletic sports +this afternoon, and he's got mine with my dress clothes!!"] + + * * * * * + +A DERBY DIALOGUE + +SCENE--_In Town._ JONES _meets_ BROWN. + +[Illustration] + +_Jones._ Going to Epsom? + +_Brown._ No, I think not. Fact is, the place gets duller year by year. +The train has knocked the fun out of the road. + +_Jones._ Such a waste of time. Why go in a crowd to see some horses +race, when you can read all about it in the evening papers? + +_Brown._ Just so. No fun. No excitement. And the Downs are wretched if +it rains or snows. + +_Jones._ Certainly. The luncheon, too, is all very well; but, after all, +it spoils one's dinner. + +_Brown._ Distinctly. And champagne at two o'clock is premature. + +_Jones._ And lobster-salad undoubtedly indigestible. So it's much +better not to go to the Derby--in spite of the luncheon. + +_Brown._ Yes,--in spite of the luncheon. + +[Illustration] + +(_Two hours pass. Scene changes to Epsom._) + +_Jones._ Hullo! You here? + +_Brown._ Hullo! And if it comes to that, you here, too? + +_Jones._ Well, I really found so little doing in town that I thought I +might be here as well as anywhere else. + +_Brown._ Just my case. Not that there's much to see or do. Silly as +usual. + +_Jones._ Quite. Always said the Derby was a fraud. But I am afraid, my +dear fellow, I must hurry away, as I have got to get back to my party +for luncheon. + +_Brown._ So have I. + + [Exeunt severally. + + * * * * * + +MAXIM FOR THE DERBY DAY + + There's many a slip + 'Twixt the race and the tip. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "LAST, BUT NOT LEAST" + +"Why do you call him a good jockey! He never rides a winner." "That just +proves it. He can finish last on the best horse in the race!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN SEARCH OF A "CERTAINTY."--_Cautious Gambler._ "Four to +one be blowed! I want a chaunce of gettin' a bit for my money." +_Bookmaker._ "Tell you what you want. You ought to join a burial +society. Sure to get somethin' out o' that!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN ECHO FROM EPSOM.--"Wot's the matter, Chawley?" +"Matter! See that hinnercent babby there? 'E's got 'is pockets full o' +tin tacks!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH OUR GIRLS? + +(_Why not give them a few lessons in the science of book-making?_) + +_Mr. Professor._ "And now, ladies, having closed our book on the +favourite, and the betting being seven to three bar one, I will show you +how to work out the odds against the double event."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COLD COMFORT.--Scene--_Badly beaten horse walking in with +crowd. First Sporting Gent (to second ditto, who has plunged +disastrously on his advice)._ "Told yer he was a foregorne conclusion +for this race, did I? Well, and what more d'yer want? Ain't he jolly +well the conclusion of it?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DERBY DAY. DOWN THE ROAD.--Matches that strike upon the +box.] + + * * * * * + +HOW TO WIN THE DERBY + +(_By one who has all but done it._) + +[Illustration] + +Take great care in purchasing a really good colt. Don't let expense +stand in your way, but be sure you get for money money's worth. + +Obtain the most experienced trainer in the market, and confide your colt +to his care. But, at the same time, let him have the advantage of your +personal encouragement and the opinion of those of your sporting friends +upon whose judgment you can place reliance. + +When the day of the great race draws near, secure the most reliable +jockey and every other advantage that you can obtain for your valuable +animal. + +Then, having taken every precaution to win the Derby, why--win it! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT THE POST.--_First Gentleman Rider._ "Who is the swell +on the lame horse?" _Second Gentleman Rider._ "Oh--forget his name--he's +the son of the great furniture man, don'tcherknow." _First Gentleman +Rider._ "Goes as if he had a caster off, eh?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ASCOT WEEK RACING NOTE + +Going in for a sweep.] + + * * * * * + +ON THE COURSE.--_Angelina._ What do they mean, dear, by the Outside +Ring? + +_Edwin._ Oh! that's the place where we always back outsiders. A splendid +institution! + + [_So it was, till Edwin fell among gentlemen from Wales._ + + * * * * * + +AT THE CLOSE OF THE RACING SEASON.--_Owner (to friend, pointing to +disappointing colt)._ There he is, as well bred as any horse in the +world, but can't win a race. Now what's to be done with him? + +_Friend (suddenly inspired)._ Harness the beast in front of a motor-car. +He'll _have_ to travel, then. + + * * * * * + +REAL AUTUMN HANDY-CAP.--A deerstalker. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Uncle._ "Ah, Milly, I'm afraid you've lost your money +over that one. He's gone the wrong way!" + +_Milly (at her first race-meeting)._ "Oh, no, uncle, I'm all right. +George told me to back it 'both ways.'"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE JOYS OF A GENTLEMAN RIDER + +_Trainer (to G. R., who has taken a chance mount)._ "So glad you turned +up. This horse is such a rocky jumper you know, I can't get a +professional to ride him."] + + * * * * * + +VERY RACY.--_Q._ When a parent gives his son the "straight tip" about a +race, what vegetable does he recall to one's mind? + +_A._ Pa ('s)-snip, of course. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EASY PROBLEM PICTURE. "NAME THE WINNER!" + +Judging from their countenances, which of these two, who have just +returned from a race meeting, has "made a bit"?] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RESPICE FINEM + +SCENE--_A little race meeting, under local rules and management._ + +_Starter._ "'Ere's a pretty mess! Two runners--the favourite won't +start--and if I let the other win, the crowd 'll just about murder me!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HIS FIRST BOOK. (_At a Provincial Race +Meeting_).--_Novice._ "Look here, I've taken ten to one against +_Blueglass_, and I've given twelve to one against him! What do I stand +to win?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HUNT STEEPLE-CHASE SEASON + +_The Joys of a Gentleman Rider._ + +_Voice from the Crowd._ "Now, then, guv'nor, take care you don't get +sunburnt!"] + + * * * * * + +RACY SKETCHES + +(_By D. Crambo, Junior_) + +[Illustration: SIRE (SIGHER)] + +AND + +[Illustration: DAM!] + +[Illustration: MAIDEN ALLOWANCE] + +[Illustration: SETTLING AT THE CLUBS] + +[Illustration: AN OBJECTION ON THE GROUND OF "BORING"] + +[Illustration: WINNING BY A CLEVER HEAD] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Owner._ "Why didn't you ride as I told you? Didn't I +tell you to force the pace early and come away at the corner?" + +_Jockey._ "Yes, m'Lord, but I couldn't very well leave the horse +behind."] + + * * * * * + +AT NEWMARKET.--_Lady Plongère (to Sir Charles Hamidoot)._ Oh! Sir +Charles, please put me a tenner each way on the favourite. + +_Sir Charles._ But will you repay me the money laid out? + +_Lady P. (sweetly)._ Of course I will, if I win. + + [_Sir C. forgets to execute the commission._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HEARD AT NEWMARKET + +_Jockey (whose horse has broken down)._ "Thought you said it was as good +as a walk over?" + +_Trainer_. "Well, ain't you _walkin_' over?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MOTOR-HORSE STEEPLE-CHASE] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS + +Even the "Derby" had its primeval counterpart.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Brown._ "Confound it! Done again! I lose on every race. +(_To barber._) Here's your shilling." + +_Barber._ "Couldn't think of taking it, sir. Just won £500 on the Hascot +Cup!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SPORTING EVENT--A RECORD + +She won the sweep!] + + * * * * * + +AMUSEMENTS FOR ASCOT + +(_Provided for the better sex_) + +After taking infinite trouble to secure a dream of a dress, to wait +expectantly to see whether it will rain or keep up. + +After arriving on the course to find one's only duchess monopolised by +the Buckingham-Browns, to dismay of all semi-outsiders. + +Between the races to notice one's hated rivals in the sacred enclosure, +to which one has no admittance. + +At luncheon, to contrast the men of this year who have remained at home +with those of last season who are now at the front. + +[Illustration] + +And--perhaps safest of all--to leave the doubts and fears, the +heart-burnings and disappointment of the meeting to others, and to learn +all about Ascot by reading the papers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NON EST INVENTUS" + +(_A Derby Problem._) + +_Ostler_ (_on the Downs, after the races_). "Don't you even remember 'is +colour, guv'nor?"] + + * * * * * + +THE PREVAILING PASSION.--_Father_ (_reading newspaper_). I see another +Rugby man has been appointed Archbishop of Canterbury. That's the third +Rugby man in succession. + +_Son_ (_a football enthusiast_). Well, I think it is time one of the +Association had a turn. + +[Illustration] + +BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Book of Sport, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43355 *** |