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diff --git a/43355-8.txt b/43355-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 5bf98e8..0000000 --- a/43355-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3418 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Book of Sport, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Mr. Punch's Book of Sport - The Humour of Cricket, Football, Tennis, Polo, Croquet, - Hockey, Racing, &c - -Author: Various - -Illustrator: Lindley Sambourne - and others - -Release Date: July 30, 2013 [EBook #43355] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF SPORT *** - - - - -Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR - - Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON - - Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in - itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the - masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to - "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day. - - * * * * * - -MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF SPORTS - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Boy_ (_reassuringly_). "It's all right, miss, I'm only -looking for our cricket-ball!"] - - * * * * * - -MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF SPORTS - -THE HUMOURS OF CRICKET, FOOTBALL, -TENNIS, POLO, CROQUET, HOCKEY, -RACING, &c. - -[Illustration] - -AS PICTURED BY - - LINLEY SAMBOURNE, PHIL MAY, - L. RAVEN-HILL, F. H. TOWNSEND, - E. T. REED, GEORGE DU MAURIER, - CHARLES KEENE, FRANK REYNOLDS, - LEWIS BAUMER, GUNNING KING, - G. D. ARMOUR, ARTHUR HOPKINS, - EVERARD HOPKINS, J. A. SHEPHERD, - AND OTHERS. - -_WITH 225 ILLUSTRATIONS_ - -PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" - -THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD. - - * * * * * - -The Punch Library of Humour - - _Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_ - - LIFE IN LONDON - COUNTRY LIFE - IN THE HIGHLANDS - SCOTTISH HUMOUR - IRISH HUMOUR - COCKNEY HUMOUR - IN SOCIETY - AFTER DINNER STORIES - IN BOHEMIA - AT THE PLAY - MR. PUNCH AT HOME - ON THE CONTINONG - RAILWAY BOOK - AT THE SEASIDE - MR. PUNCH AFLOAT - IN THE HUNTING FIELD - MR. PUNCH ON TOUR - WITH ROD AND GUN - MR. PUNCH AWHEEL - BOOK OF SPORTS - GOLF STORIES - IN WIG AND GOWN - ON THE WARPATH - BOOK OF LOVE - WITH THE CHILDREN - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration] - -Mr. Punch is nothing if not typical of his fellow countrymen in his -interest in sport. If there be any truth in the assertion that -Englishmen are neglecting the more serious affairs of life in their -devotion to all forms of athletic sports, Mr. Punch would seem to be -determined that there shall be no lack of humour in the process; for an -immense proportion of his merry pages have been occupied with the humour -of sport. - -Indeed, there is no kind of open-air pastime which has escaped the -kindly attention of our national humorist, and the fact that he never -tires of poking good-natured fun at these hobbies of his countrymen, -making merry over their misadventures, indicates in some degree that, -whatever our social critics may think of the national taste for outdoor -games, these must have a humanising influence and make for manliness, -when their devotees can thus with good grace look upon themselves in Mr. -Punch's mirror, and join in the laughter at their own expense. - -But it must not be assumed that Mr. Punch's attitude is one of satirical -criticism; on the contrary, his sympathies are with every form of -sportsmanship, and it is chiefly because his jovial knights of the -pencil delight to illustrate the mishaps incidental to all games that we -are entitled to look upon him as a great patron of our sports. And is -not he always ready to pillory the cad and the incompetent as further -proof of the soundness of his heart? - -Certain volumes of this library are devoted entirely to one or other of -our popular pastimes, determined mainly on their varying richness in -humour, but in this "Book of Sports" we have brought together a -carefully chosen selection of Mr. Punch's wittiest sayings on a variety -of games and pastimes. Cricket might of itself have furnished forth a -volume, Football, and Racing also; but we have sought after variety -rather than repletion, and to this end even the passing craze for -Ping-pong has not been ignored, as it is not the least of the merits of -the Punch Library of Humour that within these volumes is enshrined a -comic chronicle of the passing time. - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF SPORTS - -[Illustration] - -THE BRITISH "SPHERE OF INFLUENCE."--The cricket ball. - - * * * * * - -CRICKETERS WHO OUGHT TO BE GOOD HANDS AT PLAYING A TIE.--"The Eleven of -Notts." - - * * * * * - -NOMENCLATURE.--The professional cricketer who makes a "duck's egg" ought -surely to be dubbed a "quack." - - * * * * * - -A MODEL CRICKET MATCH.--One that begins with a "draw," but does not end -with one. - - * * * * * - -EPITAPH ON A CRICKETER.--"Over!" - - * * * * * - -A CRICKETING PARADOX.--Any eleven can make a score. - - * * * * * - -LORD'S! - -[Illustration] - - There's a glorious sanctum of cricket, - Away in the Wood of St. John; - No spot in creation can lick it - For the game at which Grace is the "don." - Though Melbourne may claim a "Medina," - The "Mecca" of cricket must be - In the beautiful classic arena, - The home of the "old" M. C. C. - - Home, sweet home of the M. C. C., - Ever my fancy is turning to thee! - Up with King Willow and down with the dumps - Hark to the rattle of leather and stumps. - Oh, what a rapturous thrill it affords! - Give yourself up to the magic of "Lord's." - - * * * * * - -SCORING FOR DR. GRACE.--"A running commentary." - - * * * * * - -ALL WORK AND NO PLAY.--The umpire's part. - - * * * * * - -THE IRREPRESSIBLE JOKER AGAIN (ON BAIL.)-- - -_Q._ Where ought ducks' eggs to be most readily found? _A._ At the Oval. - - [_Bail estreated._ - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Hairdresser_ (_about to part customer`s hair_). "Centre, -sir?" - -_Flannelled fool_ (_rather an absent-minded beggar_). "Oh--er--_middle -an' 'eg_!"] - - * * * * * - -ALL THE YEAR ROUND; - -_Or, Keeping Up the Ball._ - -[Illustration: A straight tip and a new sensation.] - - When September soaks the fields, - And the leaves begin to fall, - Cricket unto football yields,-- - That is all! - - Yes--in hot or humid weather, - At all seasons of the year, - Life is little without leather - In a sphere. - - In the scrimmage, at the stumps, - 'Neath the goal, behind the sticks, - Life's a ball, which Summer thumps, - Winter kicks. - - Our "terrestrial ball" is round, - (Is it an idea chimerical?) - Man, by hidden instincts bound, - Loves the spherical. - - In rotund, elastic bounders, - Plainly the great joy of men is, - Witness cricket, billiards, rounders, - And lawn-tennis. - - * * * * * - -CLASSIC TITLE FOR DR. GRACE.--"The Centurion." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _He._ "You're fond of cricket, then?" - -_She._ "Oh, I'm passionately devoted to it!" - -_He._ "What part of a match do you enjoy the most?" - -_She._ "Oh, this part--the promenade!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: MR. PUNCH KEEPS HIS EYE ON CRICKET - -THEN (1841) AND NOW (1891).] - - * * * * * - -TOAST FOR TAVERN LANDLORDS.--The Cricketer, who always runs up a score -by his innings. - - * * * * * - -APPROPRIATE CRICKET GROUND.--Battersy-Park. - - * * * * * - -THINGS TO WHICH CRICKETING MEMBERS OF THE ANTI-GAMBLING LEAGUE ARE -ADDICTED.--"Pitch" and "Toss." - - * * * * * - -DR. W. G. GRACE'S FAVOURITE DISH.--"Batter pudding." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration] - -AT THE ETON AND HARROW MATCH.--_Simperton._ What, you in light blue, -Miss Gloriosa! I thought you were Harrovian to the core! - -_Miss Gloriosa._ So I am, but I'm also Cambridge, and as I can't -possibly afford two new dresses in one week, I decided to choose the -most becoming colour! - - [_And_ SIMPERTON _of the dark blue was quite satisfied with the - explanation_. - - * * * * * - -"FOLLOW ON!" - -(_A Cricketer's_ "_Catch_" AIR--"_Come Follow_!") - -_First Voice._ Come follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow on! - -_Second Voice._ Why then should I follow, follow, follow, why then must -I follow, follow on? - -_Third Voice._ When you're eighty runs or more behind our score you -follow on! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "TRAIN UP YOUR PARENTS THE WAY THEY SHOULD GO." - ---"You know papa has been asked to play in the 'Fathers against the -Boys' match?" "Yes, mother. But I hope the boys will win this year. If -the fathers win again they'll be so beastly cocky!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "'Collapse of Essex.' Dear, dear! I wonder if my property -at Ilford is safe?" - - [_Buys paper to see._ - -] - - * * * * * - -CRICKETER'S FAVOURITE FISH.--Slips. - - * * * * * - -THE COUP DE GRACE.--Leg hit for six. - - * * * * * - -RIDDLE MADE "ON THE GROUND."--Why are cricket matches like the backs of -cheap chairs? Because they're "fixed to come off". - - * * * * * - -SEASONABLE FIELD SPORT.--Leather-hunting. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS. (_A cricket match._) "How's that, -umpire?"] - - * * * * * - -WET-WILLOW - -A SONG OF A SLOPPY SEASON. - -(_By a Washed-out Willow-Wielder._) - -AIR--"_Titwillow._" - - In the dull, damp pavilion a popular "Bat" - Sang "Willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!" - And I said "Oh! great slogger, pray what are you at, - Singing 'Willow, wet-willow, wet-willow'? - Is it lowness of average, batsman," I cried; - "Or a bad 'brace of ducks' that has lowered your pride?" - With a low-muttered swear-word or two he replied, - "Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!" - - He said "In the mud one can't score, anyhow, - Singing willow, wet-willow, wet-willow! - The people are raising a deuce of a row, - Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow! - I've been waiting all day in these flannels--they're damp!-- - The spectators impatiently shout, shriek, and stamp, - But a batsman, you see, cannot play with a Gamp, - Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!" - - "Now I feel just as sure as I am that my name - Isn't willow, wet-willow, wet-willow, - The people will swear that I don't play the game, - Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow! - My spirits are low and my scores are not high, - But day after day, we've soaked turf and grey sky, - And I sha'n't have a chance till the wickets get dry. - Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!!!" - - * * * * * - -CRICKET PROSPECTS - -(_From Dumb-Crambo Junior's point of view._) - -[Illustration: MARROW-BONE CLUB] - -[Illustration: A DOMESTIC FIXTURE] - -[Illustration: A RISING PLAYER] - -[Illustration: A PROMISING YOUNG BOWLER] - -[Illustration: TRIAL MATCHES] - -[Illustration: BATTER AND BAWL] - - * * * * * - -THE LADIES AT LORD'S - -OLD STYLE--EARLY SIXTIES. - -SCENE--_The Ground and its Accessories._ - -_Superior Creature._ Really very pleasant. - -_Weaker Sex._ Oh! charming. So delightful having luncheon _al fresco_. -The lobster salad was capital. - -_S. C._ Very good. And the champagne really drinkable. - -_W. S._ And our chat has been so interesting, Captain SMORLTORK. - -_S. C._ So pleased. And now, what do you think of the cricket? - -_W. S._ Oh! I haven't time to think of the cricket. - - * * * - -NEW STYLE--LATE NINETIES. - -SCENE--_The Same._ - -_Mere Man._ Really rather nice. - -_Stronger Sex._ Quite nice. Capital game, too. Up to county form. That -last over was perfect bowling. - -_M. M._ Yes; and the batting was well above the average. - -_S. S._ Tol-lish. And really, when I come to think of it, Mr. -SMORLTORK-GOSSIP, you have been also entertaining. - -_M. M._ Proud and honoured! And now, what do you think about the -luncheon? - -_S. S._ Oh! I haven't time to think about the luncheon. - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: Fair Batter (ætat. 18). "Now, just look here, Algy -Jones--none of your patronage! You dare to bowl to me with your left -hand again, and I'll box your ears!"] - - * * * * * - -A MATCH MISCALLED.--Considering the style and number of the turn-outs on -the ground, and the amount of champagne-cups consumed at Lord's during -the Great Public School Cricket Encounter, suppose it were re-christened -the _Drag_ and _Drinking_, instead of the _Harrow_ and _Eton_, Match? - - * * * * * - -AT THE VILLAGE CRICKET MATCH.--_Umpire_ (_carried away by enthusiasm on -seeing the young Squire send a ball hard to leg_). Well hit, Master -Arthur, well hit! (_Remembering himself._) But don't make no short runs! - - * * * * * - -CRICKET AT LORD'S - -(_Hits by Dumb-Crambo, Jun._) - -[Illustration: A PATIENT INNINGS] - -[Illustration: A CUT IN FRONT OF POINT] - -[Illustration: OVER!] - -[Illustration: LAST MAN. HIS USUAL FORM] - - * * * * * - -BAIT APPRECIATED BY BOTH CRICKETERS AND FISHERMEN.--Lobs. - - * * * * * - -A TIE.--("_Ladies v. Gentlemen._") The Ladies came out as they had gone -in, all "Ducks." - -And what did the Gentlemen make?--Love. - - * * * * * - -THE LADY CRICKETER - -(_Directions for attaining Perfection._) - -Get up a match by saying to some local subaltern that it would be such -fun to have a game, and you know a girl who could give points to Grace. - -Agree with the youthful warrior that the fun would be increased by -allowing the men to play with broom-sticks, and left-handed, and the -girls, of course, with bats, and unrestricted. - -Arrange your eleven in such a fashion that you come out as captain in -the most picturesque costume. - -Be careful to "kill" your colleagues' appearance by an artful -combination of discordant hues. - -Carry out the above scheme with the assistance of a joint committee -consisting of two, yourself and the local subaltern. - -Arrange, at the last moment, that the men shall only send out six of -their team to field. - -Manage to put yourself in first, and play with confidence the initial -ball. - -Amidst the applause of the six fielders you will be clean bowled. - -Retire gracefully, and devote the rest of the afternoon to tea and mild -flirtation with the five men who have been weeded out. - - * * * * * - -CURIOUS CRICKET ANOMALY. - - WHEN a batsman has piled up a hundred, or more, - Though five twenties he's hit, he has made but "a score." - - * * * * * - -CRICKET CATCHES - -(_By D. Crambo, Junior._) - -[Illustration: A FORWARD STYLE] - -[Illustration: OUT WITH A BEAUTIFUL BAILER] - -[Illustration: COLLARING THE BOWLING] - -[Illustration: A PROMINENT PLAYER] - -[Illustration: SENT BACK WITH A SHOOTER] - -[Illustration: A DIFFICULT WICKET] - - * * * * * - -FAIR CRICKETERS - -[Illustration] - - ["The growing favour with which athletic exercises are being - regarded by those who are still 'the gentler sex,' is evidenced by - the rapid adoption of cricket into the roll of those games which - may be practised by ladies without the sober world being shocked. - In the course of the past Summer there have been several - matches."--_Standard._] - - You may play the game of Cricket, like the men well known to fame, - And be good "all round," like some folks at that fascinating game; - You may bowl like Mr. Spofforth at the Demon's deadly pace, - You may lead a team like Harris, and may bat like Doctor Grace; - But in vain your skill and prowess--can you dare to win the day, - Although hope may spring eternal, when the Ladies come to play? - - They have conquered us at Croquet, though philosophers might scoff, - And the masculine intelligence was beaten by "two off." - As a vehicle for flirting we acknowledged all its charms, - And gay soldiers fell before it, although used to war's alarms; - But they held me-thinks their cricket-bats as doughty as their swords, - And they never dreamt of Ladies at the Oval or at Lord's. - - Then we turned to Roller-skating, how the God of Love must wink - As he ponders o'er the havoc wrought on many a pleasant rink; - There the Ladies, as their wont is, held indubitable sway, - As they circled like the seagull in as fair and facile way; - And we yielded, though at Prince's woman held all hearts in thrall, - For we thought of our one Empire, that of Cricket--bat and ball. - - Comes the era of Lawn Tennis, when the balls spin o'er the net, - What avail the "Renshaw smashes" when the Ladies win the "sett," - And the boldest of all volleys will be found of little use - When the women gain "advantage," their opponents at the "deuce." - So we leave the lawn to Ladies, it were graceful there to yield; - But we thought that still at Cricket we were masters of the field. - - Vain the hope, for lo! the Ladies give poor Men no hour of peace. - Can we dare to "pop the question" when they front the "popping-crease"? - Though with "leg before the wicket" your short innings may be o'er, - Will the umpire be as truthful when it's "petticoat before"? - So lay down "the willow," batsmen, and, oh, bowler, leave the wicket, - Ye must yield once more to Woman, for the Ladies now play Cricket! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE LAST BALL OF THE SEASON] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: UNINVITED.--We had bowled out their best men, and should -have won the match, but somebody came on the ground with a confounded -hyæna-coloured bull-terrier, who ran after the ball, and wouldn't give -it up.] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "BOOTS AND CHAMBERMAID."--_Robin_ (_the morning after the -cricket supper_). "What does this 'B' and 'C' mean, Dick?" _Richard_ -(_with a headache_). "O, brandy an' soda, of course. Ring 'em both, -there's a good fellow!"] - - * * * * * - -AT THE 'VARSITY CRICKET MATCH.--_Newcomer_ (_to Gent in front_). If you -would kindly move your head an eighth of an inch, I think that by -standing on tip-toe I might be able, between the box-seat and body of -that carriage, to ascertain the colour of long leg's cap. - - * * * * * - -PUDDING IT PLAINLY.--Why is a promising cricketer like flour and eggs? - -Because he's calculated to make a good batter. - - * * * * * - -The most remarkable instance of a hybrid animal is the cricket-bat. - - * * * * * - -THE REAL "TRIPLE ALLIANCE."--A three-figure innings at cricket. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: OUR VILLAGE CRICKET CLUB.--We had thirty seconds left -before the time for drawing stumps. Our two last men were in, and we -wanted one run to tie and two to win. It was the most exciting finish on -record.] - - * * * * * - -THE USEFUL CRICKETER - -(_A Candid Veteran's Confession._) - - I am rather a "pootlesome" bat-- - I seldom, indeed, make a run; - But I'm rather the gainer by that, - For it's bad to work hard in the sun. - - As a "field" I am not worth a jot, - And no one expects me to be; - My run is an adipose trot, - My "chances" I never can see. - - I am never invited to bowl, - And though, p'r'aps, this seems like a slight, - In the depths of my innermost soul - I've a notion the Captain is right. - - In short, I may freely admit - I am not what you'd call a great catch - But yet my initials are writ - In the book against every match! - - For although--ay, and there is the rub-- - I am forty and running to fat, - I have made it all right with the Club, - By presenting an Average Bat! - - * * * * * - -ANOTHER TITLE!! SUPPLEMENTAL GAZETTE OF BIRTHDAY HONOURS.--Dr. W. G. -Grace to be Cricket-Field-Marshal. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Muscular High Church Curate._ "Wonderful things 'Grace' -does!" - -_Low Church Vicar_ (_surprised at the serious observation from his -volatile friend_). "Ah, my dear sir, true----" - -_High Church Curate._ "Yes. Only fancy, y'know!--ninety-two, and not -out!!"] - - * * * * * - -"LE CRICQUETTE" - -_How he will be played--shortly._ - -_Offices of the Athletic Congress, Paris._ - -[Illustration: CRICK-IT] - - MONSIEUR, - - I am overwhelmed with my gratitude to you and to the generous - dignitaries the Chancellors of your Universities, the Heads of your - great Public Seminaries, and the Principal of your renowned - Mary-le-bone College Club for the information they have given me - concerning "Le Criquette," your unique National game, and I thank - you in the name of my Committee for your present of - implements--_les wickettes_, _le boule de canon_, _les gros bois_ - (the batsman's weapons), _le cuirasse pour les jambes de - Longstoppe_, and other necessaries for the dangers of the contest - that you have so kindly forwarded for our inspection. But most of - all are we indebted to you for sending over a 'ome team of your - brave professionals to play the match against our Parisian - "_onze_," for you rightly conjectured that by our experience of the - formidable game in action, we should be able to judge of its risks - and dangers, and after mature investigation be able so to revise - and ameliorate the manner of its playing as to bring it into - harmony with the taste and feeling of the athletic ambition of the - rising generation of our young France. - - A Match has taken place, as you will see by "Le Score" subjoined, - which I enclose for your inspection. It was not without its fruits. - It disclosed to us, as you will remark by referring to "Le Score," - very practically the dangerous, and I must add, the murderous - capabilities that "Le Cricquette" manifestly possesses. Our - Revising Committee has already the matter in hand, and when their - report is fully drawn up, I shall have much satisfaction in - forwarding it to you. Meantime, I must say that the substitution of - a light large ball of silk, or some other soft material for the - deadly "_boule de canon_" as used by your countrymen, has been - decided upon as absolutely necessary to deprive the game of - barbarism, and harmonise it with the instincts which Modern and - Republican France associates with the pursuit of a harmless - pastime. _Les wickettes_, as being too small for the Bowlsman to - reach them, should be raised to six feet high, and the Umpire, a - grave anomaly in a game cherished by a liberty-loving people, - should be instantly suppressed. The "overre," too, should consist - of sixteen balls. But this and many other matters are under the - consideration of the Committee. I now subjoin "Le Score" I - mentioned; a brief perusal of it will show you what excellent - grounds the Committee have for making the humanising alterations at - which I have hinted. - - ALL FRANCE v. AN ENGLISH 'OME-TEAM. - - ALL FRANCE. - - M. DE BOISSY (struck with murderous force on the front of his - forehead by the _boule de canon_, and obliged to retire), - b. JONES-JOHNSON....0 - - M. NAUDIN (hit on his fingers, which are pinched blue with the - _boule de canon_, and incapacitated), b. JONES-JOHNSON....0 - - Le Marquis de CAROUSEL (receives a blow from the _boule de canon_ - on the front bone of his leg, and is compelled to relinquish the - contest), b. JONES-JOHNSON....0 - - M. BUSSON (receives a severe contusion of the cheek-bone from the - _boule de canon_, which is delivered with murderous intent by a - swift "round-and bowlsman"), b. JONES-JOHNSON....0 - - Le Général GREX (hits his three _wickettes_ into the air, in a - daring attempt to stop the _boule de canon_ with his batsman's - club), b. JONES-JOHNSON....0 - - Le Duc de SEPTFACES (has his _pince-nez_ shattered to atoms by the - _boule de canon_, and, being unable to see, withdraws from the - "innings"), b. JONES-JOHNSON....0 - - M. CARILLON, M. le docteur GIROFLÉ, le Professeur d'Equitation (all - the three being given, in turn, "out, legs in front of the - _wickette_," leave the ground to arrange a duel with the Umpire), - b. JONES-JOHNSON....0 - - M. de MONTMORENCY (on reaching the _wickette_ and seeing the - terrible approach of the _boule de canon_, has a shivering fit - which obliges him to sit down), b. JONES-JOHNSON....0 - - M. JOLIBOIS, coming in last, triumphantly avoids the "overre," and - is, in consequence, _not out_....0 - - THE ENGLISH 'OME TEAM. - - JONES-JOHNSON, not out 3276 - BROWN-SMITH, not out 3055 - - So the game stood at the end of the fifth day, when, spite all the - efforts of "All France," even the putting on of three "Bowlsmen" at - once, it was found impossible to take even one of the "'Ome-team" - _wickettes_. Yet the contest was maintained by the "Outside" with - a wonderful heroism and _élan_, for though by degrees, in nobly - attempting to stop the flight of the _boule de canon_ as it sped on - its murderous course, driven by the furious and savage blows of the - batsmen in all directions over the field, the fieldsmen, one by - one, struck in the arms, legs, head and back, began to grow feeble - under their unceasing blows and contusions, still one and all from - the "Long-leg-off" to the indomitable "Longstoppe," faced the - dangers of their situation with a proud smile, indicative of the - noble calm of an admirable spirit. So, Monsieur, the game, which - was not finished, and which, in consequence, the Umpire, with a - chivalrous generosity, announced as "drawn," came to its - conclusion. You will understand, from the perusal of the above, the - direction in which my Committee will be likely to modify the rules - of the game, and simplify the apparatus for playing it, so as to - give your "Cricquette" a chance of finding itself permanently - acclimatised in this country. - - Accept, Monsieur, the assurance of my most distinguished - consideration, - - THE SECRETARY OF THE PARIS ATHLETIC CONGRESS. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE "LEVIATHAN BAT." - -_Or Many-Centuried Marvel of the Modern_ (_Cricket_) _World, in his -high-soaring, top-scoring, Summer-day Flight._ (_Dr. William Gilbert -Grace._) - - As champion him the whole world hails, - Lords! How he smites and thumps! - It takes a week to reach the bails - When he's before the stumps. - -"_Chevy Chase_" (_revised_).] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: CAUGHT AT LORD'S.--_Cambridge Swell._ "Aw, Public -Schools' match! Aw, nevar was at one before! Not so bad!" - -_Stumpy Oxonian._ "Ours in miniatu-are! Ours in miniatu-are!!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: EATIN' _v._ HARROW] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: DELIGHTFUL OUT-DOOR EXERCISE IN WARM WEATHER - -Running after "another four!" at cricket, amidst derisive shouts of "Now -then, butter-fingers!"--"Oh! Oh"--"Throw it in! Look sharp!"--"Quick! In -with it!" &c. &c.] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SUGGESTION FOR THE CRICKET SEASON - -The new pneumatic leg guard. (_Mr. Punch's_ patent.)] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: FORM - -_Public School Boy_ (_to General Sir George, G.C.B., G.S.I., V.C., &c., -&c., &c._). I say, Grandpapa,--a--would you mind just putting on your -hat _a little straighter_? Here comes _Codgers_--he's awfully -particular--and he's the _captain of our eleven, you know_!"] - - * * * * * - -_Laura_ (_who wishes to master the mysteries of Cricket_). "But then, -Emily, what happens if the bowler gets out before the batter?" - - [_Emily gives it up!_ - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: EATIN' BOY AT LORD'S] - - * * * * * - -SMALL BOY CRICKET.--_Father._ Well, and how did you get on? _Small Boy._ -Oh, I kept wicket and caught one out. It came off his foot. _Father._ -But that wouldn't be out. _Small Boy._ Oh, yes, it was. The umpire gave -it out. You see, it hit him "below the elbow." - - * * * * * - -TO CRICKETERS.--What would you give a thirsty batsman? Why, a _full -pitcher_. - - * * * * * - -CRICKETING AND FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.--We hear that a distinguished -member of the Cricketing Eleven of All England is going to be married. -It is said that the object of his affections is a Beautiful Catch. - - * * * * * - -WICKET JOKES - -_By Dumb-Crambo Junior._ - -[Illustration: WINNING THE TOSS] - -[Illustration: FOLLOWING ON, AND OPENING WITH A WIDE] - -[Illustration: EXCELLENT FIELDING] - -[Illustration: LONG STOP] - -[Illustration: BOWLING HIS OFF STUMP] - -[Illustration: CAUGHT AT THE WICKET] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PRECEDENCE AT BATTERSEA - -"Garn! The treasurer goes in before the bloomin' seckertary!"] - - * * * * * - -THE CRY OF THE CRICKETER - -(_In a Pluvial Autumn._) - - Rain, rain, go away, - Come again before next May! - The driving shower and chilling raw gust - Are most inopportune in August. - Rain has a chance to reign, remember, - Till early summer from September. - Why come and spoil cricket's last pages, - Our wickets--and our averages? - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: LORD'S IN DANGER. THE M. C. C. GO OUT TO MEET THE ENEMY - - ["Sir Edward Watkin proposes to construct a railway passing through - Lord's Cricket Ground."] - -] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: OUR OPENING MATCH.--"I say, Bill, you've got that pad on -the wrong leg." "Yus, I know. I thought as I were goin' in t' other -end!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "CRICKETING INTELLIGENCE."--_Sporting Old Parson_ (_to -professional player_). "why is a ball like that called a 'yorker,' sir?" -_Professional Player._ "a 'yorker,' sir? oh, when the ball's pitched -right up to the block----" _Sporting Parson._ "yes, yes--I didn't ask -you what a 'yorker' was"--(_with dignity_)--"I know that as well as you -do. But why is it called a 'yorker'?" _Professional Player._ "Well, I -can't say, sir. I don't know what else you could call it!"] - - * * * * * - -KING CRICKET - - The canny Scot may talk a lot - Of golf and its attraction, - And "putt" and "tee" for him may be - A source of satisfaction; - While maidens meek with rapture speak - Of croquet's fascination, - Tho' I suspect 'twere more correct - To call their game "flirtation." - But cricket's the thing for Summer and Spring! - Three cheers for cricket, of all games the king! - The man who boats his time devotes - To rowing or to sailing, - In shine or rain he has to train, - With energy unfailing. - A tennis set finds favour yet - With merry men and matrons. - In lazy souls the game of bowls - Is not without its patrons. - A day that's fine I do opine - Is much to be desired; - An "even pitch" I ask for, which - Is certainly required; - Then add to that a "steady bat," - A bowler "on the wicket," - A "field" that's "smart," then we can start - The noble game of cricket. - - * * * * * - -CRICKET - -_Drawn with a stump by Dumb-Crambo Junior._ - -[Illustration: BOWLING STARTED WITH A MAIDEN] - -[Illustration: A CUT FOR THREE] - -[Illustration: A DRIVE TO THE OFF FOR A COUPLE] - -[Illustration: CAUGHT AT SLIP] - -[Illustration: TAKEN AT POINT] - -[Illustration: WIDE BAWL AND BUY] - - * * * * * - -THE LADY CRICKETER'S GUIDE - -BOWLING. - -1. Should you desire to bowl leg-breaks, close the right eye. - -2. Off-breaks are obtained by closing the left eye. - -3. To bowl straight, close both. - -BATTING. - -1. Don't be afraid to leave the "popping" crease--there is another at -the other end. - -2. County cricketers use the curved side of the bat for driving. - -3. A "leg glance" is not football. - -4. When "over" is called, don't cross the wicket. - -FIELDING. - -1. Stop the ball with your feet. If you are unable to find it, step on -one side. - -2. To catch a ball, sit down gracefully and wait. - -3. When throwing in from the country, aim half-way up the pitch; you may -then hit one of the wickets--which one I don't know. - -_Postscript._ - -The spirit in which the game should be played is best shown by the -following extract from the _Leicester Daily Mercury_:-- - - BARROW LADIES _v._ THRUSSINGTON LADIES. - - "Barrow went in first, but were dismissed for sixteen. Only three - Thrussington ladies batted, owing to the Barrow team refusing to - field, because the umpire gave Miss Reid in for an appeal for run - out." - - * * * * * - -WHAT is the companion game to Parlour Croquet? Cricket on the Hearth. - - * * * * * - -EPITAPH ON AN OLD CRICKETER'S TOMBSTONE.--"Out at 70." - - * * * * * - -OPERATIC SONG FOR A CRICKETER.--"_Batti, Batti!_" - - * * * * * - -SENTIMENT FOR A CRICKET CLUB DINNER.--May the British Umpire rule the -wide world over. - - * * * * * - -CRICKET HITS - -_By Dumb-Crambo, off his own bat._ - -[Illustration: LONG LEG AND SHORT LEG] - -[Illustration: SHORT MID OFF] - -[Illustration: CUTTING FOR FOUR] - -[Illustration: A CLEAN BOWL] - - * * * * * - -THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES.--_Middlesex_ v. _Sussex_. - - * * * * * - -CRICKET MATCH TO COME OFF.--The Teetotallers' Eleven _v._ The Licensed -Victuallers'. - - * * * * * - -STUMP ORATIONS.--Speeches at cricket-club dinners. - - * * * * * - -OUR VILLAGE ELEVEN - -[Illustration: TOM BOWLING] - - Except at lunch, I cannot say - With truth that we are stayers; - Yet, though on village greens we play, - We're far from common players. - - The mason blocks with careful eye; - We dub him "Old Stonewall." - The blacksmith hammers hard and high, - And the spreading chestnuts fall. - - Sheer terror strikes our enemies - When comes the postman's knock, - Whereas his slow deliveries - Would suit the veriest crock. - - The butcher prides himself on chops; - His leg-cuts are a joke; - But when he lambs the slow long-hops - There's beef behind his stroke. - - The grocer seldom cracks his egg: - He cannot catch; he butters. - The gardener mows each ball to leg, - And trundles daisy-cutters. - - Our tailor's cut is world-renowned; - The coachman's drives are rare; - He'll either cart you from the ground - Or go home with a pair. - - The village constable is stout, - Yet tries short runs to win; - They say he's run more people out - Than ever he ran in. - - The curate (captain) every match - Bowls piffle doomed to slaughter, - But still is thought a splendid catch-- - By the vicar's elderly daughter. - - The watchmaker winds up the side, - But fails to time his pulls; - By now he must be well supplied - With pairs of spectacles. - - Our umpire's fair; he says "Not Out," - Or "Out," just as he thinks; - And gives the benefit of the doubt - To all who stand him drinks. - - No beatings (beatings are the rule) - Can make our pride diminish; - Last week we downed the Blind Boys' School - After a glorious finish! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "ANIMAL SPIRITS" - -The Great Cricket Match. "England _v._ Australia." Umpires, the two -wombats.] - - * * * * * - -COCKNEY MOTTO FOR A FEEBLE CRICKETER.--"Take 'Art of GRACE!" - - * * * * * - -GOOD NEWS AFTER THE LAST CRICKET MATCH.--Rest for the wicket. - - * * * * * - -CRICKET HITS - -_By Dumb-Crambo, off his own bat._ - -[Illustration: STUMPED] - -[Illustration: CAUGHT OUT] - -[Illustration: RUN OUT] - -[Illustration: DRAWING THE STUMPS] - - * * * * * - -AT THE GENTLEMEN V. PLAYERS RETURN MATCH.--_New Yorker._ Say, can I get -a square meal here? - -_Waiter_ (_with dignity_). This, sir, is the Oval 2_s._ 6_d._ Luncheon. - - * * * * * - -DRAMATIC DUET - - _Sharp Person_ (_asks, singing_). In what hand should a cricketer write? - - _Dull Person_ (_answers, also singing_). I don't quite understand. - - _Sharp Person_ (_annoyed_). Shall I repeat-- - - _Sharper Person_ (_briskly sings_). Oh no! I see't, - He'll write in a _bowl'd round hand_. - - [_Exit_ SHARP PERSON L.H. SHARPER PERSON _dances off_ R.H. DULL - PERSON _is left thinking_. - - * * * * * - -A HUNDRED UP - -_Tommy_ (_reading daily paper_). What's a centenarian, Bill? - -_Bill_ (_promptly_). A cricketer, of course, who makes a hundred runs. - -_Tommy._ You don't say so. _I_ thought he was called a centurion. - - * * * * * - -A well-known cricketer was expecting an interesting family event. -Suddenly the nurse rushed into his smoking-room. "Well, nurse?" he said, -"what is it?" "Two fine byes," announced the nurse. - - * * * * * - -CRICKET HITS - -_By Dumb-Crambo, off his own bat._ - -[Illustration: PITCHING THE WICKET] - -[Illustration: A MAIDEN OVER----?] - -[Illustration: A DRIVE TO THE PAVILION] - -[Illustration: HOLDING A CATCH] - - * * * * * - -TO BE SEEN FOR NOTHING.--The play of the features. - - * * * * * - -MOTTO FOR BRITISH CRICKETERS.--Strike only at the ball! - - * * * * * - -A FEW QUESTIONS ON CRICKET - -_Q._ What is "fielding"? - -_A._ The author of _Tom Jones_. - -_Q._ How do you stop a ball? - -_A._ By putting out the lights. - -_Q._ When does a party change sides? - -_A._ When he's in bed, and got the fidgets. - -_Q._ What do you call "a long slip"? - -_A._ A hundred songs for a halfpenny. - -_Q._ How much is game? - -_A._ It depends whether it's in season. - - * * * * * - -FANCY our dear old lady's horror when she heard that last week, at -Lord's, a cricketer had bowled a maiden over. "Poor thing!" exclaimed -Mrs. R., "I hope she was picked up again quickly, and wasn't much hurt." - - * * * * * - -PHILOSOPHY AT THE POPPING CREASE - - "The glorious uncertainty?" why, to be sure, - That it _must_ be the slowest should see at a glance, - For cricket, as long as the sport shall endure, - _Must_ be in its nature a mere game of chance, - "'Tis all pitch and toss"; one can show it is so;-- - 'T isn't science or strength rules its losses or winnings. - Half depends on the "pitch"--of the wickets, you know, - The rest on the "toss"--for first innings. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Bowler_ (_his sixth appeal for an obvious leg-before_). -"'Ow's that?" - -_Umpire_ (_drawing out watch_). "Well, he's been in ten minutes -now--Hout!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: OUR VILLAGE CRICKET CLUB.--Tom Huggins, of the local fire -brigade, umpires for the visiting team in an emergency. Laden, as is -usual, with their wealth, watches, etc., he hears the fire-bell, and -obeys duty's call without loss of time!] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE LIMITATIONS OF FAME.--"And what are you?" "Oh, I'm -the wicket-keeper." "Then why aren't you busy taking the gate-money?"] - - * * * * * - -CON. FOR A CRICKETER - - Miss Nelly sits cool in the cricketer's booth - And watches the game, about which, in good sooth, - Her curious interest ne'er ceases. - She now wants to know of the flannel-clad youth, - However the wickets can well be kept smooth, - When she hears they are always _in creases_! - - * * * * * - -MILTONIC MEDITATION (_by a looker-on at lawn-tennis_).--"They also -_serve_ who only stand and wait." - - * * * * * - -APPROPRIATE TO THE SEASON.--_Q._ What is double as good a game as -Fives?--_A._ (_evident_) Tennis. - - * * * * * - -GOING TO THE DEUCE.--Getting thirty to forty at lawn-tennis. - - * * * * * - -SUGGESTION TO PROVINCIAL LAWN-TENNIS CLUB.--Why not give lawn-tennis -balls in costume during the winter? - - * * * * * - -MOST APPROPRIATE ATTIRE.--A "grass-lawn" tennis costume. - - * * * * * - -THE GAME FOR RACKETY BISHOPS.--Lawn-tennis. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Miss Delamode_ (_of Belgravia_). "Well, dear, I must be -off. Don't you love Lord's?" - -_Miss Dowdesley_ (_of Far-West Kensingtonia_). "I'm sure I should, -only----" (_immersed in her own dreams_)--"We don't know any!"] - - * * * * * - -OUR VILLAGE CRICKET CLUB - -I - -At our opening match, Spinner, the demon left-hander, was again in great -form. His masterly skill in placing the field, and his sound knowledge -of the game, really won the match for us. - -[Illustration: "About three feet nine to the right, please, -Colonel--that is to say, your right. That's it. Back a little, just -where the buff Orpington's feeding. Thanks."] - -II - -[Illustration: "You, Mr. Stewart, by this thistle. Just to save the -one, you know."] - -III - -[Illustration: His ruses were magnificent. When the Squire came in, -Spinner (who had previously held a private consultation with the other -bowler) shouted, "You won't want a fine leg for this man. Put him deep -and square." And then----] - -IV - -[Illustration: The Squire was neatly taken first ball off a glance at -fine leg by Spinner himself, who had crossed over (exactly as arranged) -from his place at slip.] - - * * * * * - -A TRILL FOR TENNIS - - Now lawn-tennis is beginning, and we'll set the balls a-spinning - O'er the net and on the greensward with a very careful aim; - You must work, as I'm a sinner, if you wish to prove a winner, - For we're getting scientific at this fascinating game. - - You must know when it is folly to attempt a clever "volley," - Or to give the ball when "serving" it an aggravating twist; - Though a neatly-made backhander may arouse a rival's dander, - You'll remember when you try it that it's very often missed. - - Though your play thrown in the shade is by the prowess of the ladies, - You must take your beating kindly with a smile upon your face; - And 'twill often be the duty of some tennis-playing beauty - To console you by remarking that defeat is not disgrace. - - For you doubtless find flirtation at this pleasant occupation - Is as easy as at croquet; when you're "serving" by _her_ side, - You can hint your tender feeling, all your state of mind revealing, - And, when winning "sets" together, you may find you've won a bride. - - So we'll don the flannel jacket, and take out the trusty racket, - And though other folks slay pigeons, we'll forswear that cruel sport, - And through summer seek a haven on the sward so smoothly shaven, - With the whitened lines _en règle_ for a neat lawn-tennis court. - - * * * * * - -THE PLACE FOR LAWN-TENNIS.--"_Way down in Tennessee._" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A SKETCH AT LORD'S - -_Eva_ (_for the benefit of Maud, who is not so well-informed_). "--and -those upright sticks you see are the _wickets_. Harrow's in at one end, -and Eton's in at the other, you know!"] - - * * * * * - -A POLONAISE - -"_Nemo me on pony lacessit._" - - Mad bards, I hear, have gaily trolled - The boundless joys of cricket; - Have praised the bowler and the bowled - And keeper of the wicket. - I cannot join their merry song-- - _Non valeo sed volo_-- - But really I can come out strong, - Whene'er I sing of Polo! - - Let golfophiles delight to air - Their putter-niblick learning; - And, scarlet-coated, swipe and swear - When summer sun is burning! - Let _artful cards_ sit up and pass - Their nights in playing bolo; - But let me gambol--o'er the grass-- - And make my game at Polo! - - On chequered chess-boards students gaze - O'er futile moves oft grieving; - With knights content to pass their days, - And constant checks receiving. - 'Mid kings and queens I have no place, - _Espiscopari nolo_-- - I'd rather o'er the greensward race, - And find no check in Polo! - - Then let me have my supple steed-- - Good-tempered, uncomplaining-- - So sure of foot, so rare in speed, - In perfect polo training. - And let me toast in rare old port, - In Heidsieck or Barolo, - In shady-gaff or something short-- - The keen delights of Polo! - - * * * * * - -MOTTO FOR CROQUET.--"She Stoops to Conquer." - - * * * * * - -IN-DOOR AMUSEMENT FOR OLD PEOPLE.--The game of croakey. - - * * * * * - -HOW TO LEARN TO LOVE YOUR ENEMIES.--Play at croquet. - - * * * * * - -FOR THE DRAWING-ROOM (_When there's a dead silence._)--My first is a -bird; my second's a letter of the alphabet: my whole is some game. - -_Explanation._ Crow. K. (_Croquet._) - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Lucy Mildmay_ (_who is fond of technical terms_). "By -the way--a--are they playing '_Rugby_' or '_Association_'?"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "OUT! FIRST BALL! A CATCH!!"] - - * * * * * - -A PLAYER who sprained his wrist at lawn-tennis explained that "he had -been trying a regular _wrenchaw_, and did it effectually." - - * * * * * - -SPORTIVE SONG - -AN OLD CROQUET-PLAYER RUMINATES - - I like to see a game revive - Like flower refreshed by rain, - And so I say, "May croquet thrive, - And may it live again!" - It brings back thoughts of long ago, - And memories most sweet, - When Amy loved her feet to show - In shoes too small, but neat. - - I think I can see Amy now, - Her vengeful arm upraised - To croquet me to where a cow - Unheeding chewed and grazed. - And Amy's prowess with the ball - Reminds me that her style - Was not so taking after all - As Fanny's skill _plus_ smile. - - Yes! Fanny had a winsome laugh, - That round her mouth would wreath, - And make me wonder if her chaff - Was shaped to show her teeth. - They were so pretty, just like pearls - Set fast in carmine case; - Still in the match between the girls - Selina won the race. - - Selina had such lustrous eyes - Of real sapphire blue, - They seemed one's soul to mesmerise, - And looked one through and through. - Yet Agnes I cannot forget, - She brought me joy with pain. - I would that we had never met---- - "Your stroke!" That voice! My Jane! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Bowler._ "How's that?" _Umpire._ "Wasn't looking. But if -'e does it again, 'e's out!"] - - * * * * * - -CROQUET - - O feeblest game, how strange if you should rise - To favour, _vice_ tennis superseded! - And yet beneath such glowing summer skies - When wildest energy is invalided, - Mere hitting balls through little hoops - Seems work enough. One merely stoops, - And lounges round; no other toil is needed. - - Upon a breezy lawn beneath the shade - Of rustling trees that hide the sky so sunny, - I'll play, no steady game as would be played - By solemn, earnest folks as though for money-- - For love is better. Simply stoop, - And hit the ball. It's through the hoop! - My partner smiles; she seems to think it funny. - - My pretty partner, whose bright, laughing eyes - Gaze at me while I aim another blow; lo, - I've missed because I looked at her! With sighs - I murmur an apologetic solo. - The proudest athlete here might stoop, - To hit a ball just through a hoop, - And say the game--with her--beats golf and polo. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: CRICKET--THE PRIDE OF THE VILLAGE - -"Good match, old fellow?" - -"Oh, yes; awfully jolly!" - -"What did you do?" - -"I 'ad a hover of Jackson; the first ball 'it me on the 'and, the second -'ad me on the knee; the third was in my eye; and the fourth bowled me -out!" - - [_Jolly game._ - -] - - * * * * * - -ADVICE TO YOUNG CROQUET-PLAYERS - -[Illustration] - -1. Always take your own mallet to a garden party. This will impress -everyone with the idea that you are a fine player. Or an alternative -plan is to play with one provided by your host, and then throughout the -game to attribute every bad stroke to the fact that you have not your -own implement with you. - -[Illustration] - -2. Use as many technical terms as you can, eking them out with a few -borrowed from golf. Thus it will always impress your partner if you say -that you are "stimied," especially as she won't know what it means. But -a carefully-nurtured reputation may be destroyed at once if you confuse -"roquet" with "croquet," so be very careful that you get these words -right. - -3. Aim for at least three minutes before striking the ball, and appear -overcome with amazement when you miss. If you have done so many times in -succession, it may be well to remark on the unevenness of the ground. If -you hit a ball by mistake always pretend that you aimed at it. - -4. It is a great point to give your partner advice in a loud and -authoritative tone--it doesn't matter in the least whether it is -feasible or not. Something like the following, said very quickly, always -sounds well:--"Hit one red, take two off him and make your hoop; send -two red towards me and get into position." In a game of croquet there is -always one on each side who gives advice, and one who receives (and -disregards) it. All the lookers-on naturally regard the former as the -finer player, therefore begin giving advice on your partner's first -stroke. If she happens to be a good player this may annoy her, but that -is no consequence. - -5. Remember that "a mallet's length from the boundary" varies -considerably. If you play next, it means three yards, if your opponent -does so, it means three inches. So, too, with the other "rules," which -no one really knows. When in an awkward position, the best course is to -invent a new rule on the spur of the moment, and to allege (which will -be perfectly true) that "it has just been introduced." - -[Illustration: GENUINE ENTHUSIASM] - -6. Much may be done by giving your ball a gentle kick when the backs of -the other players happen to be turned. Many an apparently hopeless game -has been saved by this method. Leave your conscience behind when you -come to a croquet-party. - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -SWEET NAME FOR YOUNG LADIES PLAYING CROQUET.--Hammerdryads. - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -THE POET OF CROQUET.--Mallet. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: LAWN-TENNIS COSTUME - -(_Designed by Mr. Punch._)] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "NOUVELLES COUCHES SOCIALES!" - -"I say, uncle, that was young Baldock that went by,--Wilmington Baldock, -you know----!" - -"Who the dickens is _he_?" - -"What! haven't you heard of him? Hang it! he's making himself a very -first-rate position in the _lawn-tennis_ world, I can _tell_ you!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "SPORTING."--_Cabby_ (_on the rank at the top of our -square_.) "Beg your pardon, miss!--'takin' the liberty--but--'ow does -the game stand now, miss? 'Cause me and this 'ere 'ansom's gota dollar -on it!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE - -_Auntie._ "Archie, run up to the house, and fetch my racket. There's a -dear!" - -_Archie_ (_preparing to depart_). "All right. But I say, auntie, don't -let anybody take my seat, will you?"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: BARBAROUS TECHNICALITIES OF LAWN-TENNIS.--_Woolwich -Cadet_ (_suddenly, to his poor grandmother, who has had army on the -brain ever since he passed his exam._). "The service is awfully severe, -by Jove! Look at Colonel Pendragon--he invariably _shoots or hangs_!" -_His Poor Grandmother._ "Good Heavens, Algy! I hope you won't be in -_his_ regiment!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: COMFORTING - -_Proud Mother._ "Did you _ever_ see anybody so light and slender as dear -Algernon, Jack?" - -_Uncle Jack_ (_at thirty-five_). "Oh, you mustn't trouble about _that_, -Maria. I was _exactly_ his build at eighteen!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "DONKEYS HAVE EARS."--_Emily_ (_playing at lawn-tennis -with the new curate_). "What's the game, now, Mr. Miniver?" _Curate._ -"Forty--Love." _Irreverent Gardener_ (_overhearing_). "Did y'ever hear -such imperence! 'Love,' indeed! And him not been in the parish above a -week! Just like them parsons!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: LAWN-TENNIS UNDER DIFFICULTIES--"PLAY!" - -If space is limited, there is no reason why one shouldn't play with -one's next-door neighbours, over the garden wall. (One needn't visit -them, you know!)] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Stout Gentleman_ (_whose play had been conspicuously -bad_). "I'm such a wretched feeder, you see, Mrs. Klipper--a wretched -feeder! Always was!" - -_Mrs. Klipper_ (_who doesn't understand lawn-tennis_). "Indeed! Well, I -should never have thought it!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _She._ "What a fine looking man Mr. O'Brien is!" - -_He._ "H'm--hah--rather rough-hewn, I think. Can't say I admire that -loud-laughing, strong-voiced, robust kind of man. Now that's a -fine-looking woman he's talking to!" - -_She._ "Well--er--somewhat _effeminate_, you know. Confess I don't -admire _effeminate_ women!"] - - * * * * * - -LAWN-TENNIS LOBS - -(_Served by Dumb-Crambo Junior._) - -[Illustration: GENTLEMEN'S DOUBLES] - -[Illustration: SMART SERVICE] - -[Illustration: LADIES SINGLES] - -[Illustration: BACK PLAY] - -[Illustration: A SPLENDID RALLY] - -[Illustration: SMOTHERING THE BAWL] - -[Illustration: DEUCE!] - -[Illustration: TWO SETS TO ONE] - -[Illustration: PLAYING UP TO THE NET] - -[Illustration: LOVE GAME] - - * * * * * - -THE SPORT OF THE FUTURE - - ["The lawns that were erstwhile cumbered with tennis nets now - bristle with croquet hoops, and the sedate mallet has driven out - the frisky racquet."--_The World._] - - Welcome, Reason, on the scene, - Milder influences reviving! - Far too long have pastimes been - Senseless, useless, arduous striving, - Brutalising men of strength, - Dangerous to those who lack it: - Lo! it speaks their doom at length-- - The decadence of the racket. - - Purged from customs fierce and rude - Soon shall sports become more gentle, - (As the grosser kinds of food - Yield the palm to bean and lentil), - Roller skates long since are "off," - Tennis is no longer O.K., - Rivals threaten even golf - As the fashion sets for croquet. - - Hence, then, cricket, young and vain, - Football, fraught with brutal bustle, - You at Reason's light shall wane-- - Modern upstart cult of muscle; - So may purer tastes begin - All our fiercer games refining, - Till, when spelicans come in, - _I_ may get a chance of shining. - -[Illustration: LINE BALL] - -[Illustration: OUT OF COURT] - - * * * * * - -MORE LAWN TENNIS LOBS - -(_Served by Dumb-Crambo Junior._) - -[Illustration: A LET] - -[Illustration: 'VAUNT-AGE] - -[Illustration: SERVING CAUGHT] - -[Illustration: SCREW AND TWISTER] - -[Illustration: THE "WRENCHER (RENSHAW) SMASH"] - -[Illustration: SMART RETURNS.] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: GOLDEN MEMORIES.--"I wonder why Mr. Poppstein serves with -three balls?" "Old associations, I suppose."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Smith._ "Let me put your name down for this tournament?" - -_Jones_ (_who thinks himself another Renshaw, and doesn't care to play -with a scratch lot_). "A--thanks--no! I'd _rather_ not!" - -_Smith._ "Oh, they're frightful duffers, _all_ of them! You'll stand a -very fair chance! _Do!_"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PROFESSIONAL JEALOUSY.--_Miss Matilda_ (_referring to her -new lawn tennis shoes, black, with india-rubber soles_). "The worst of -it is, they _draw_ the feet so!" _Our Artist_ (_an ingenuous and -captivating youth_). "Ah, they _may_ draw the feet; but they'll _never -do justice to yours_, Miss Matilda!" - - [_Sighs deeply._ - -] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: TRIALS OF THE UMPIRE AT A LADIES' DOUBLE - -_Lilian and Claribel._ "It was out, _wasn't_ it, Captain Standish?" - -_Adeline and Eleanore._ "Oh, it _wasn't_ out, Captain Standish, was -it?"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID - -_She._ "Would you mind putting my lawn tennis shoes in your pockets, Mr. -Green?" - -_He._ "I'm afraid my pockets are hardly big enough, Miss Gladys; but I -shall be delighted to _carry_ them for you!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Excited Young Lady._ "Father, directly this set is over -get introduced to the little man by the fireplace, and make him come to -our party on Tuesday. _Her Father._ "Certainly, my dear, if you wish it. -But--er--he's rather a scrubby little person, isn't he?" _Excited Young -Lady._ "Father, do you know _who_ he is? They tell me he is the amateur -champion of Peckham! I don't suppose he'll play; but if you can get him -just to look in, that will be _something_!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A NICE QUIET GAME FOR THE HOME.--This is only a little -game of "Ping-pong" in progress, and some of the balls are missing!] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PING-PONG IN THE STONE AGE] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: The first time Captain F. tried to play that pony he -picked up so cheaply, he found it true to the description given of it by -the late owner, who guaranteed it _not in the least afraid of the -stick_]. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A LONG SHOT. (_Before the commencement of the polo -match_).--_Young Lady_ (_making her first acquaintance with the game_). -"Oh, I wish you would begin. I'm so anxious to see the sweet ponie kick -the ball about!" - - [_Her only excuse is that she hails from a great football county._ - -] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: OUR LOCAL POLO MATCH - -_Excited Drummer._ "Vat! He iss your only ball? Ach, donner und blitzen! -he haf proke insides my only drum! You pay ze drum, you haf ze ball!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "If you have any raw ponies, always play them in big -matches; it gets them accustomed to the crowd, and the band, and -things."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: AT HURLINGHAM.--_Captain Smith_ (_who is showing his -cousins polo for the first time_). "Well, what do you think of it?" -_Millicent._ "Oh, we think it is a _ripping_ game. It must be such -_awfully_ good practice for croquet!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE POSSIBILITIES OF CROQUET - -The above represents the game of "All against All," as played by Brown, -Miss Jones, and the Major.] - - * * * * * - -EJACULATIONS - -_On being asked to play Croquet, A.D. 1894._ - - ["It is impossible to visit any part of the country without - realising the fact that the long-discredited game of Croquet is - fast coming into vogue again.... This is partly owing to the - abolition of 'tight croqueting.'"--_Pall Mall Gazette._] - - Eh? What? Why? How? - Are we back in the Sixties again? - I am rubbing my eyes--is it _then_, or now? - I'm a _Rip Van Winkle_, it's plain! - - Hoop, Ball, Stick, Cage? - Eh, fetch them all out once more? - Why, look, they're begrimed and cracked with age, - And their playing days are o'er! - - Well--yes--here goes - For a primitive chaste delight! - Let us soberly, solemnly beat our foes, - For Croquet's no longer "tight"! - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: CHARLES KEENESQUE CROQUET PERIOD. 1866] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: AN OBJECTIONABLE OLD MAN.--_Young Ladies._ "Going to make -a flower-bed here, Smithers? Why, it'll quite spoil our croquet ground!" -_Gardener._ "Well, that's yer Pa's orders, Miss! He'll hev' it laid out -for 'orticultur', not for 'usbandry'".] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SWEET DELUSION.--_Chorus of Young Ladies_ (_speaking -technically_). "No _spooning_, Mr. Lovel! No _spooning_ allowed _here_!" -_Miss Tabitha_ (_with the long curls_). "Those naughty, _n-n-naughty_ -girls! I suppose they allude to you and me, Mr. Lovel. But, lor'! never -mind them!--_I_ don't."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SO READY!--_Snooks_ (_coming out conversationally_). "I -think that every woman who is not out-and-out plain considers herself a -beauty." _Miss Rinkle._ "Does that include _me_?" _Snooks._ "Oh, of -course not!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE MOMENTOUS QUESTION - -_Eligible Bachelor._ "Shall I follow you up, Annie; or leave myself for -Lizzie?"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: [According to _Country Life_, Croquet, which was revived -last summer, is likely to increase in popularity this year. A splendid -opportunity to revive the pastime and the costumes of the early sixties -at the same time.] - -] - - * * * * * - -THE WOOING - - [The sporting instinct is now so keen among girls that a man who - gallantly moderates his hitting in mixed hockey is merely regarded - as an _incapable slacker_ by his fair opponents.] - - When first I played hockey with Kitty, - I was right off my usual game, - For she looked so bewitchingly pretty - When straight for the circle she came; - As a rule I'm not backward, or chary, - Of hitting and harassing too, - But who can be rough with a fairy-- - Not I--so I let her go through. - - She scored, and we couldn't get equal; - The others all thought me a fool, - And Kitty herself, in the sequel, - Grew most unexpectedly cool. - They gave us a licking, as stated, - I was sick at the sight of the ball, - She thought me a lot over-rated, - And wondered they played me at all. - - But she frankly approved Percy Waters, - Who uses his stick like a flail, - And always impartially slaughters - Both sexes, the strong and the frail; - A mutual friendliness followed, - I watched its career with dismay-- - Next match-day my feelings I swallowed. - And hit in my orthodox way. - - I caught her a crunch on the knuckle, - A clip on the knee and the cheek, - She said, with a rapturous chuckle, - "I see--you weren't trying last week." - Such conduct its cruelty loses - When it brings consolation to both, - For after she'd counted her bruises - That evening we plighted our troth. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: AN ALARMING THREAT.--_Miss Dora_ (_debating her stroke_). -"I have a great mind to knock you into the bushes Mr. Pipps!" - - [_Mr. Pipps (who is a complete novice at the game) contemplates instant - flight. He was just on the point of proposing, too._ - -] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: LADIES AT HOCKEY - -(_From an old Print._)] - - * * * * * - -THE PURSUIT OF BEAUTY - - I saw an aged, aged man - One morning near the Row, - Who sat, dejected and forlorn, - Till it was time to go. - It made me quite depressed and bad - To see a man so wholly sad-- - I went and told him so. - - I asked him why he sat and stared - At all the passers-by, - And why on ladies young and fair - He turned his watery eye. - He looked at me without a word, - And then--it really was absurd-- - The man began to cry. - - But when his rugged sobs were stayed-- - It made my heart rejoice-- - He said that of the young and fair - He sought to make a choice. - He was an artist, it appeared-- - I might have guessed it by his beard, - Or by his gurgling voice. - - His aim in life was to procure - A model fit to paint - As "Beauty on a Pedestal," - Or "Figure of a Saint." - But every woman seemed to be - As crooked as a willow tree-- - His metaphors were quaint. - - "And have you not observed," he asked, - "That all the girls you meet - Have either 'Hockey elbows' or - Ungainly 'Cycling feet'? - Their backs are bent, their faces red, - From 'Cricket stoop,' or 'Football head.'" - He spoke to me with heat. - - "But have you never found," I said, - "Some girl without a fault? - Are all the women in the world - Misshapen, lame or halt?" - He gazed at me with eyes aglow, - And, though the tears had ceased to flow, - His beard was fringed with salt. - - "There was a day, I mind it well, - A lady passed me by - In whose physique my searching glance - No blemish could descry. - I followed her at headlong pace, - But when I saw her, face to face, - _She had the 'Billiard eye'!_" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: Di got me to play hockey. Never again!] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "Our great hockey match was in full swing, when a horrid -cow, from the adjoining meadow, strolled on the ground. Play was by -general consent postponed."] - - * * * * * - -MIXED HOCKEY - - You came down the field like a shaft from a bow - The vision remains with me yet. - I hastened to check you: the sequel you know: - Alas! we unluckily met. - You rushed at the ball, whirled your stick like a flail, - And you hit with the vigour of two: - A knight in his armour had surely turned pale, - If he had played hockey with you. - - They gathered me up, and they took me to bed: - They called for a doctor and lint: - With ice in a bag they enveloped my head; - My arm they enclosed in a splint. - My ankles are swelled to a terrible size; - My shins are a wonderful blue; - I have lain here a cripple, unable to rise, - Since the day I played hockey with you. - - Yet still, in the cloud hanging o'er me so black, - A silvery lining I spy: - A man who's unhappily laid on his back - Can yet have a solace. May I? - An angel is woman in moments of pain, - Sang Scott: clever poet, _he_ knew: - It may, I perceive, be distinctly a gain - To have fallen at hockey with you. - - For if you'll but nurse me (Come quickly, come now), - If you'll but administer balm, - And press at my bidding my feverish brow - With a cool but affectionate palm; - If you'll sit by my side, it is possible, quite, - That I may be induced to review - With a feeling more nearly akin to delight - That day I played hockey with you. - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Major Bunker_ (_who has been persuaded to join in a game -of hockey for the first time, absent-mindedly preparing to drive_). -"Fore."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: OUR LADIES' HOCKEY CLUB - -Miss Hopper cannot understand how it is she is always put "in goal." But -really the explanation is so simple. There's no room for a ball to get -past her.] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Extract from Mabel's Correspondence._--"We had a scratch -game with the 'Black and Blue' club yesterday, but had an awful job to -get any men. Enid's brother and a friend of his turned up at the last -moment; but they didn't do much except call 'offside' or 'foul' every -other minute, and they were both as nervous as cats!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: OUR LADIES' HOCKEY CLUB - -One of the inferior sex who volunteered to umpire soon discovered his -office was no sinecure.] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: HARE AND HOUNDS--AND MAY THEIR SHADOWS NEVER GROW -LESS.--_Mrs. Miniver._ "How exhausted they look, poor fellows! Fancy -doing that sort of thing for mere pleasure!" _Little Timpkins_ (_his -bosom swelling with national pride_). "Ah, but it's all through doing -that sort of thing for _mere pleasure_, mind you, that we English -are--_what we are_!" - - [_Bully for little Timpkins!_ - -] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: HARE AND HOUNDS--AND DONKEY - -"Seen two men with bags of paper pass this way?"--"No!" "Did they tell -you to say no?"--"Yes."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: HAPPY THOUGHT.--The good old game of "Hare and Hounds," -or "Paper-Chase," is still played in the northern suburbs of London -during the winter. Why should not young ladies be the hares?] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A MEETING OF THE "BANDY" ASSOCIATION - -For the promotion of "Hockey on the Ice."] - - * * * * * - -AN IDYL ON THE ICE - - Fur-apparelled for the skating, - Comes the pond's acknowledged Belle: - I am duly there in waiting, - For I'll lose no time in stating - That I love the lady well. - - Then to don her skates, and surely - Mine the task to fit them tight, - Strap and fasten them securely, - While she offers me, demurely, - First the left foot then the right. - - Off she circles, swiftly flying - To the pond's extremest verge; - Then returning, and replying - With disdain to all my sighing, - And the love I dare not urge. - - Vainly do I follow after, - She's surrounded in a trice, - Other men have come and chaffed her, - And the echo of her laughter - Comes across the ringing ice. - - Still I've hope, a hope that never - In my patient heart is dead; - Though fate for a time might sever, - Though she skated on for ever, - I would follow where she fled. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED - -"I am down again!"--_Cymbeline_, Act V., Sc. 5.] - - * * * * * - -TO FOOTBALL - - Farewell to thee, Cricket, - Thy last match is o'er; - Thy bat, ball, and wicket - Are needed no more. - To thy sister we turn, - For her coming we pray; - Her worshippers burn - For the heat of the fray. - - Hail! Goddess of battle, - Yet hated of Ma(r)s, - How ceaseless their tattle - Of tumbles and scars! - Such warnings are vain, - For thy rites we prepare, - Youth is yearning again - In thy perils to share. - - Broken limbs and black eyes - May, perchance, be our lot; - But grant goals and ties - And we care not a jot. - Too sacred to name - With thy posts, ball, and field, - There is no winter game - To which thou canst yield. - - * * * * * - -MOTTO FOR AN IMPECUNIOUS FOOTBALL CLUB.--"More kicks than halfpence." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS - -During a considerable portion of the year the skating was excellent, and -was much enjoyed by all classes.] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Little Jones_ (_to lady who has just collided with -him_). "I-I-I-I beg your pardon! I-I-I hope I haven't hurt you!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: GENUINE ENTHUSIASM - -(_A Thaw Picture._) - -What matter an inch or two of surface-water, if the ice be still sound -underneath!] - - * * * * * - -"LE FOOTE-BALLE" - -_Offices of the Athletic Convention, Paris._ - -MONSIEUR,--Having already expressed my views as to the capabilities -possessed by "Le Cricquette" for becoming a national game worthy the -attention of the young sporting gentlemen of our modern France, I now -turn me to the consideration of your "Foote-Balle." - -I have examined the apparatus for the play you have so kindly sent -over,--the great leathern bag of wind which is kicked, "_les_ -Goalpoles", and the regulations for the playing of the game, and have -seen your fifteen professional County "kicksmen" engage,--I shudder as I -recall the terrible sight,--in a contest, horrible, murderous, and -demoniacal, with an equal number of my unhappy compatriots, alas! in -their enthusiasm and _élan_, ignorant of the deadly struggle that -awaited them in the game in which they were about innocently to join. To -witness the savage rush of your professional kicksmen was terrifying, -and when, in displaying "_le scrimmage_", they scattered, with the -kicks of their legs, my fainting compatriots, who fell lamed and wounded -in all directions, I said to myself, this "Foote-Balle" is not a -pastime, it is an encounter of wild beasts, "_un vrai carnage_," fit to -be played, not by civilised sporting gentlemen, but by cannibals. - -But let me explain that it is not the kick to which I object, for is not -_le coup de pied_ the national defence of France? Indeed, in your own -fist contest in "Le Boxe-Match," is not to deliver a kick in the jaw of -your antagonist considered a meritorious _coup_, showing great skill in -the boxeman? And do not our own _garçons de collège_ kick a _confrère_ -when he is "down," and point to the circumstance with a legitimate pride -and satisfaction? No, it is not _le coup de pied_ which makes horrible -"Le Foote-Balle," but the conspiracy organised of the kicksmen--_Les -Demidos_ (the 'alf-backs), _Les En Avants_ (the Forwards), and the -"Goal-keepers"--all to kick the leathern bag of wind at once, and so -produce a murderous _mêlée_ in which arms, legs, ribs, thighs, necks, -and spines are all broken together, and may be heard simultaneously -cracking by any of the terror-struck but helpless spectators who are -watching the ghastly contest. - -Viewing the game under this aspect, you will not be surprised to hear -that my Committee have, as they did in dealing with "Le Cricquette," -revised the rules and regulations for the playing of your "Foote-Balle," -so as to suit it to the tastes and requirements of the rising generation -of our Modern France. I cannot at present furnish you with full details -of the suggested modifications, but I may inform you that it has been -unanimously decided that the "Balle," which is to be of "some light, -airy, floating material, and three times its present size," is not to be -touched by the foot at all, but struck lightly by the palm of the hand, -and thus wafted harmlessly, with a smart smack, over the heads of the -combatants. - -As to costume, the game is to be played in white satin bed-room -slippers, with (as a protection in the event, spite every possible -precaution, of "_le scrimmage_" arising) feather pillows strapped over -the knees and chest. It is calculated by our Committee that the savage -proclivities of the game, as fostered by the terrible rules of your -murderous "Rugby Association," will be thus, in some measure, -counteracted. - -Hoping soon to hear from you on the subject of your _Courses d'Eau_, as -I shall doubtless have some suggestions to make in reference to the -conduct of your aquatic contests, receive, Monsieur, the assurance of my -most distinguished consideration, - -THE SECRETARY TO THE CONGRESS. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "Oh, I say, they're gone for a rope or something. Awfully -sorry, you know, I can't come any nearer, but I'll stay here and talk to -you."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: Nemesis.--Inquisitive Old Gentleman. "Who's won?" - -First Football Player. "We've lost!" - -Inquisitive Old Gentleman. "What have you got in that bag?" - -Second Football Player. "The umpire!"] - - * * * * * - -PROFESSIONALS OF THE FLOOR AND FIELD. - - Exactly the same, though not so in name, - Are dancing and football "pros." - For both money make and salaries take - For supporting the ball with their toes. - - * * * * * - -ETON FOOTBALL - -(_Special Report by Dumb-Crambo Junior._) - -[Illustration: CORNER] - -[Illustration: FLYING MAN] - -[Illustration: POST AND BACK UP POST] - -[Illustration: LONG BEHIND AND SHORT BEHIND] - -[Illustration: OLD EAT-ONIONS] - -[Illustration: THE USUAL BULLY] - -[Illustration: AFTER THE KICK-OFF JAMES EFFECTED A FINE RUN,] - -[Illustration: WHICH HE FINISHED UP BY SENDING THE BALL JUST OVER THE -CROSS BAR] - -[Illustration: CHANGE WAS ANNOUNCED] - -[Illustration: A SCRIM-AGE] - -[Illustration: TIME WAS THEN CALLED] - -[Illustration: THEY MADE ONE ROUGE] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: How the goal-keeper appears to the opposing forward, who -is about to shoot.] - -[Illustration: And how the goal-keeper _feels_ when the opposing forward -is about to shoot.] - - * * * * * - -THAT FOOT-BALL - -_An Athletic Father's Lament._ - - What was it made me cricket snub, - And force my seven sons to sub- - sidize a local "Rugby" Club? - That Foot-ball! - - Yet, what first drew from me a sigh, - When Tom, my eldest, missed a "try," - But got instead a broken thigh? - That Foot-ball! - - What in my second, stalwart Jack, - Caused some inside machine to crack, - And kept him ten months on his back--? - That Foot-ball! - - What brought my third, unhappy Ted, - To fade and sink, and keep his bed, - And finally go off his head?-- - That Foot-ball! - - My fourth and fifth, poor John and Jim, - What made the sight of one so dim? - What made the other lack a limb? - That Foot-ball! - - Then Frank, my sixth, who cannot touch - The ground unaided by a crutch, - Alas! of what had he too much? - That Foot-ball! - - The seventh ends the mournful line, - Poor Stephen with his fractured spine, - A debt owe these good sons of mine, - That Foot-ball! - - And as we pass the street-boys cry, - "Look at them cripples!" I but sigh, - "You're right, my friends. But would you fly - A lot like ours; oh, do not try - That Foot-ball!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Uncle Dick._ "Ah yes, cricket is a fine game, no -doubt--a very fine game. But football now! That's the game to make your -hair curl!"] - -_Miss Dulcie_ (_meditatively_). "Do you play football much, uncle?"] - - * * * * * - -ETON FOOTBALL - -(_By Dumb-Crambo Junior._) - -[Illustration: MIXED WALL "GAME"] - -[Illustration: FOUR SHIES TO LOVE] - -[Illustration: THE "DEMONS" TOOK PART IN THE GAME.--_Newspaper Report_] - -[Illustration: FURKING OUT THE _BAWL_ FROM THE BULLIES] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: ANIMAL SPIRITS - -Football. "The Zambesi Scorchers."] - - * * * * * - -FOOT-BALL À LA MODE - - [Hardly a week passes without our hearing of one or more dangerous - accidents at football.] - - A manly game it is, I think, - Although in private be it spoken, - While at a scrimmage I don't shrink, - That bones may be too often broken. - I snapped my clavicle last week, - Just like the rib of an umbrella; - And sprained my ankle, not to speak - Of something wrong with my _patella_. - - Last season, too, my leg I broke, - And lay at home an idle dreamer, - It's not considered quite a joke - To contemplate a broken _femur_. - And when, despite the doctor's hints, - Again at foot-ball I had tussles, - I found myself once more in splints, - With damaged gastronomic muscles. - - Some three times every week my head, - Is cut, contused, or sorely shaken; - My friends expect me brought home dead, - But up to now I've saved my bacon. - But what are broken bones, my boys, - Compared with noble recreation? - The scrimmages and all the joys - Of Rugby or Association! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: ASSOCIATION _V._ RUGBY - -_She_ (_plaintively--to famous Rugby half-back_). "_Would_ it get you -very much out of practice if we were to dance 'socker' a little."] - - * * * * * - -OPEN LETTER TO A PAIR OF FOOTBALL BOOTS - -(_With acknowledgments to Mr. C. B. Fry in the "Daily Express"_) - -DEAR OLD PALS,--I want to speak to you seriously and as man to man, -because you're not mere dead hide, are you? No, no, you are intelligent, -sentient soles, and to be treated as such by every player. - -Ah! booties, booties, you little beauties, what a lot you mean to us, -don't you? and how hardly we use you. - -I've known men to take you off after a game, hurl you--as Jove hurled -his thunderbolts--into a corner of the pav. and there leave you till you -are next required. - -Ah! old men, that's not right, is it? How would we great machines of -bone, muscle, and nerve-centre (ah! those nerve-centres, what tricky -things they are!), how would we be for the next match if we were treated -like that? Pretty stiff and stale, eh, old booties? - -Now, look here, when we come in after a hard, slogging game, our bodies -and the grey matter in our brains thoroughly exhausted, immediately -we've had our bath, our rub-down, and our cup of steaming hot Hercubos -(I find Hercubos the finest thing to keep fit on during a hard season) -we must turn our attention to you, booties. - -First, out from our little bag must come our piece of clean, sweet -selvyt. With it all that nasty black slime that gets into your pores and -makes you crack must be wiped off. Now, before a good blazing fire of -coal--not coke, mind, the fumes of a coke fire pale and de-oxygenate the -red corpuscles of our blood, you know--we must carefully warm you till -you are ripe to receive a real good dousing of our Porpo (I find Porpo -the finest thing for keeping boots soft and pliable). - -Finally, with a white silk handkerchief we must give you a soft -polishing, and there you are, sweet and trim against our next match. -Every morning you may be sure we will, like Boreas, drive away the -clouds of dust that collect on you. - -And then there are the laces to attend to. Oh, yes, your laces are like -our nerve-fibres, the little threads that keep the whole big body taut -and sound. They, too, must have a good rubbing of Porpo and a rest if -they need it. - -Ah! and won't you repay our trouble, booties, when next we slip you on? -How tightly you will clasp us just above the tubercles of our tibiæ, how -firmly you will grip our pliant toes, how you will help us to send the -ball swishing--low and swift--into the well-tarred net! - -Good-night, booties. - - * * * * * - -THE "BALL OF THE SEASON."--Foot-ball. - - * * * * * - -APPROPRIATE FOOTBALL FIXTURE FOR THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER.--A match against -Guy's. - -[Illustration: "The Shinner Quartette;" or, Musical Football.] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: RESEARCHES IN ANCIENT SPORTS.--Football match. Romulus -Rovers _v_. Nero Half-Backs.] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS.--The annual football match between the -Old Red Sandstone Rovers and the Pliocene Wanderers was immensely and -deservedly popular!!] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SUNDAY FOOTBALL.--"Just look what your boys have done to -my hat, Mrs. Jones!" "Oh, the dears! Oh, I _am_ so sorry! Now, Tom and -Harry, say how sorry _you_ are, and Mr. Lambourne won't mind!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "SOCKER" ON THE BRAIN.--_Harry._ "Smart sort that on the -right--forward." _Tom_ (_a devoted "footer"_). "Right forward? Oh! no -good forward; but looks like making a fair 'half-back'!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: EXCHANGE! - -_Togswell (in the washing room at the office, proceeding to dress for -the De Browncy's dinner-party)._ "Hullo! What the dooce"--(_pulling out, -in dismay, from black bag, a pair of blue flannel tights, a pink striped -jersey, and a spiked canvas shoe_).--"Confound it! Yes!--I must have -taken that fellow's bag who said he was going to the athletic sports -this afternoon, and he's got mine with my dress clothes!!"] - - * * * * * - -A DERBY DIALOGUE - -SCENE--_In Town._ JONES _meets_ BROWN. - -[Illustration] - -_Jones._ Going to Epsom? - -_Brown._ No, I think not. Fact is, the place gets duller year by year. -The train has knocked the fun out of the road. - -_Jones._ Such a waste of time. Why go in a crowd to see some horses -race, when you can read all about it in the evening papers? - -_Brown._ Just so. No fun. No excitement. And the Downs are wretched if -it rains or snows. - -_Jones._ Certainly. The luncheon, too, is all very well; but, after all, -it spoils one's dinner. - -_Brown._ Distinctly. And champagne at two o'clock is premature. - -_Jones._ And lobster-salad undoubtedly indigestible. So it's much -better not to go to the Derby--in spite of the luncheon. - -_Brown._ Yes,--in spite of the luncheon. - -[Illustration] - -(_Two hours pass. Scene changes to Epsom._) - -_Jones._ Hullo! You here? - -_Brown._ Hullo! And if it comes to that, you here, too? - -_Jones._ Well, I really found so little doing in town that I thought I -might be here as well as anywhere else. - -_Brown._ Just my case. Not that there's much to see or do. Silly as -usual. - -_Jones._ Quite. Always said the Derby was a fraud. But I am afraid, my -dear fellow, I must hurry away, as I have got to get back to my party -for luncheon. - -_Brown._ So have I. - - [Exeunt severally. - - * * * * * - -MAXIM FOR THE DERBY DAY - - There's many a slip - 'Twixt the race and the tip. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "LAST, BUT NOT LEAST" - -"Why do you call him a good jockey! He never rides a winner." "That just -proves it. He can finish last on the best horse in the race!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: IN SEARCH OF A "CERTAINTY."--_Cautious Gambler._ "Four to -one be blowed! I want a chaunce of gettin' a bit for my money." -_Bookmaker._ "Tell you what you want. You ought to join a burial -society. Sure to get somethin' out o' that!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: AN ECHO FROM EPSOM.--"Wot's the matter, Chawley?" -"Matter! See that hinnercent babby there? 'E's got 'is pockets full o' -tin tacks!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH OUR GIRLS? - -(_Why not give them a few lessons in the science of book-making?_) - -_Mr. Professor._ "And now, ladies, having closed our book on the -favourite, and the betting being seven to three bar one, I will show you -how to work out the odds against the double event."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: COLD COMFORT.--Scene--_Badly beaten horse walking in with -crowd. First Sporting Gent (to second ditto, who has plunged -disastrously on his advice)._ "Told yer he was a foregorne conclusion -for this race, did I? Well, and what more d'yer want? Ain't he jolly -well the conclusion of it?"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: DERBY DAY. DOWN THE ROAD.--Matches that strike upon the -box.] - - * * * * * - -HOW TO WIN THE DERBY - -(_By one who has all but done it._) - -[Illustration] - -Take great care in purchasing a really good colt. Don't let expense -stand in your way, but be sure you get for money money's worth. - -Obtain the most experienced trainer in the market, and confide your colt -to his care. But, at the same time, let him have the advantage of your -personal encouragement and the opinion of those of your sporting friends -upon whose judgment you can place reliance. - -When the day of the great race draws near, secure the most reliable -jockey and every other advantage that you can obtain for your valuable -animal. - -Then, having taken every precaution to win the Derby, why--win it! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: AT THE POST.--_First Gentleman Rider._ "Who is the swell -on the lame horse?" _Second Gentleman Rider._ "Oh--forget his name--he's -the son of the great furniture man, don'tcherknow." _First Gentleman -Rider._ "Goes as if he had a caster off, eh?" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: ASCOT WEEK RACING NOTE - -Going in for a sweep.] - - * * * * * - -ON THE COURSE.--_Angelina._ What do they mean, dear, by the Outside -Ring? - -_Edwin._ Oh! that's the place where we always back outsiders. A splendid -institution! - - [_So it was, till Edwin fell among gentlemen from Wales._ - - * * * * * - -AT THE CLOSE OF THE RACING SEASON.--_Owner (to friend, pointing to -disappointing colt)._ There he is, as well bred as any horse in the -world, but can't win a race. Now what's to be done with him? - -_Friend (suddenly inspired)._ Harness the beast in front of a motor-car. -He'll _have_ to travel, then. - - * * * * * - -REAL AUTUMN HANDY-CAP.--A deerstalker. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Uncle._ "Ah, Milly, I'm afraid you've lost your money -over that one. He's gone the wrong way!" - -_Milly (at her first race-meeting)._ "Oh, no, uncle, I'm all right. -George told me to back it 'both ways.'"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE JOYS OF A GENTLEMAN RIDER - -_Trainer (to G. R., who has taken a chance mount)._ "So glad you turned -up. This horse is such a rocky jumper you know, I can't get a -professional to ride him."] - - * * * * * - -VERY RACY.--_Q._ When a parent gives his son the "straight tip" about a -race, what vegetable does he recall to one's mind? - -_A._ Pa ('s)-snip, of course. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: EASY PROBLEM PICTURE. "NAME THE WINNER!" - -Judging from their countenances, which of these two, who have just -returned from a race meeting, has "made a bit"?] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: RESPICE FINEM - -SCENE--_A little race meeting, under local rules and management._ - -_Starter._ "'Ere's a pretty mess! Two runners--the favourite won't -start--and if I let the other win, the crowd 'll just about murder me!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: HIS FIRST BOOK. (_At a Provincial Race -Meeting_).--_Novice._ "Look here, I've taken ten to one against -_Blueglass_, and I've given twelve to one against him! What do I stand -to win?"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE HUNT STEEPLE-CHASE SEASON - -_The Joys of a Gentleman Rider._ - -_Voice from the Crowd._ "Now, then, guv'nor, take care you don't get -sunburnt!"] - - * * * * * - -RACY SKETCHES - -(_By D. Crambo, Junior_) - -[Illustration: SIRE (SIGHER)] - -AND - -[Illustration: DAM!] - -[Illustration: MAIDEN ALLOWANCE] - -[Illustration: SETTLING AT THE CLUBS] - -[Illustration: AN OBJECTION ON THE GROUND OF "BORING"] - -[Illustration: WINNING BY A CLEVER HEAD] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Owner._ "Why didn't you ride as I told you? Didn't I -tell you to force the pace early and come away at the corner?" - -_Jockey._ "Yes, m'Lord, but I couldn't very well leave the horse -behind."] - - * * * * * - -AT NEWMARKET.--_Lady Plongère (to Sir Charles Hamidoot)._ Oh! Sir -Charles, please put me a tenner each way on the favourite. - -_Sir Charles._ But will you repay me the money laid out? - -_Lady P. (sweetly)._ Of course I will, if I win. - - [_Sir C. forgets to execute the commission._ - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: HEARD AT NEWMARKET - -_Jockey (whose horse has broken down)._ "Thought you said it was as good -as a walk over?" - -_Trainer_. "Well, ain't you _walkin_' over?"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A MOTOR-HORSE STEEPLE-CHASE] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS - -Even the "Derby" had its primeval counterpart.] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Brown._ "Confound it! Done again! I lose on every race. -(_To barber._) Here's your shilling." - -_Barber._ "Couldn't think of taking it, sir. Just won £500 on the Hascot -Cup!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SPORTING EVENT--A RECORD - -She won the sweep!] - - * * * * * - -AMUSEMENTS FOR ASCOT - -(_Provided for the better sex_) - -After taking infinite trouble to secure a dream of a dress, to wait -expectantly to see whether it will rain or keep up. - -After arriving on the course to find one's only duchess monopolised by -the Buckingham-Browns, to dismay of all semi-outsiders. - -Between the races to notice one's hated rivals in the sacred enclosure, -to which one has no admittance. - -At luncheon, to contrast the men of this year who have remained at home -with those of last season who are now at the front. - -[Illustration] - -And--perhaps safest of all--to leave the doubts and fears, the -heart-burnings and disappointment of the meeting to others, and to learn -all about Ascot by reading the papers. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "NON EST INVENTUS" - -(_A Derby Problem._) - -_Ostler_ (_on the Downs, after the races_). "Don't you even remember 'is -colour, guv'nor?"] - - * * * * * - -THE PREVAILING PASSION.--_Father_ (_reading newspaper_). I see another -Rugby man has been appointed Archbishop of Canterbury. That's the third -Rugby man in succession. - -_Son_ (_a football enthusiast_). Well, I think it is time one of the -Association had a turn. - -[Illustration] - -BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Book of Sport, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF SPORT *** - -***** This file should be named 43355-8.txt or 43355-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/3/3/5/43355/ - -Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, -set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to -copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to -protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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