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diff --git a/old/43349.txt b/old/43349.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 670a085..0000000 --- a/old/43349.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3170 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of An Irishman's Difficulties with the Dutch -Language, by N.A. Cuey-na-Gael - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: An Irishman's Difficulties with the Dutch Language - -Author: N.A. Cuey-na-Gael - -Release Date: July 29, 2013 [EBook #43349] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AN IRISHMAN'S DIFFICULTIES *** - - - - -Produced by eagkw, Jeroen Hellingman and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - BY THE SAME WRITER - - - "IRELAND--ITS HUMOUR AND PATHOS" - - Full of humour, pathos, imagination and poetry. - - Wij hebben telkens gelachen om geestige uitvallen, typische - anecdoten, droog-komisch, zonder gewildheid, maar wij zijn - ook geroerd door het mooie in het karakter der Ieren, hun - vaderlandsliefde en melancholie. - - A most interesting study.... graceful.... bright and - readable. (_Brit. Weekly._) - - Geestig en pathetisch. (_N. Gron. Courant._) - - Vol humor en geest--weemoed en melancholie. - (_Dor. Courant._) - - Ingenaaid =90= ct. Gebonden f =1.25= - - - O'NEILL'S FURTHER ADVENTURES IN HOLLAND. - - PRESS NOTICES. - - Ingenaaid =90= ct. Gebonden f =1.25= - - Thans kregen we de avonturen van O'Neill te hooren op een - auto-tochtje, waarbij hij te gast gaat bij een vriendelijke - boerenfamilie. O'Neill heeft razenden honger, maar tot zijn - onuitsprekelijke verbazing krijgt hij niets te eten, ofschoon hij - toch op elk vriendelijk aanbod even vriendelijk antwoordt: "dank u - wel", hierbij een getrouwe vertaling gevend van 't Engelsche: "thank - you", zonder echter 't verschil in beteekenis van beide uitdrukkingen - te kennen. - - _Zijn belet vragen, zijn verwarring met biljet, en belet krijgen en - geven, zijn avonturen met den Dagtrein, die altijd 's nachts gaat - omdat het een D-trein is, een trein, die geen belet heeft en waarvoor - geen belet gevraagd behoeft te worden_,--het was alles niet om na te - vertellen maar om het uit te gieren. - - - - - An Irishman's Difficulties - with the Dutch Language - - BY - - CUEY-NA-GAEL - - FOURTH EDITION - - [Illustration] - - J. M. BREDEE'S BOEKH. EN UITGEVERS-MIJ. - - ROTTERDAM - - - - - N.V. DRUKKERIJ V/H KOCH & KNUTTEL, GOUDA. - - - - -INTRODUCTION. - - - HAARLEM, March 1908. - -_Dear Cuey-na-Gael_, - -Thank you ever so much for the pleasure you gave me by sending me the -account of your friend O'Neill's experiences in our country. - -It is excellent fun and the whole thing is full of quiet humour. - -It cannot but be highly appreciated by all Dutch people who are trying -to master the difficulties of English, and often despair of finding the -right word for the right place. To all such it will be quite a treat to -see how their vernacular puzzled your fellow-countryman. - -The booklet fully deserves a place in the libraries of our H. B. -Schools and Gymnasiums, and is sure to find one there. - -Wishing you all possible success with your publication, - - I remain - Yours very truly, - C. HEYMAN. - - - - - _For permission to give recitations - or readings from this book - application should be made - to the Publisher._ - - - - -CONTENTS. - - - Page. - INTRODUCTION. v - - CHAPTER I. - O'NEILL'S GREAT PLANS 1 - - CHAPTER II. - GRAMMAR AND PHRASE BOOK 6 - - CHAPTER III. - THE RECITATIONS IN THE WOOD 18 - - CHAPTER IV. - THE PURCHASE OF THE PENS 22 - - CHAPTER V. - LOCAL COLOUR 31 - - CHAPTER VI. - A WASH-LIST IN DUTCH 37 - - CHAPTER VII. - SOME MISUNDERSTANDINGS 48 - - CHAPTER VIII. - OUT FOR A WALK 52 - - CHAPTER IX. - THE QUEST OF MIJNHEER HIERNAAST 68 - - CHAPTER X. - THE PARCEL POST 77 - - CHAPTER XI. - A SUCCESSFUL INTERVIEW 89 - - CHAPTER XII. - DUTCH CORRESPONDENCE 100 - - - - -CHAPTER I. - -O'NEILL'S GREAT PLANS. - -O'NEILL'S GREAT PLANS.--HUNTING IDIOMS IN THE DARK.--MASTERING DUTCH IN -A FORTNIGHT. - - -We were seated one November evening in O'Neill's rooms in Trinity -College Dublin when the conversation turned on modern languages. - -Each had his own story to tell, but we waited in vain for our host to -unbosom himself on the subject of Dutch. Yet he was understood to have -had thrilling experiences in the Hague in August. - -By a few gentle hints we endeavoured to elicit from him some talk about -his linguistic adventures, and, not succeeding very well, I at last -asked him point-blank if he didn't find Dutch hard. - -"Yes", said O'Neill promptly, in answer to my question. "Yes: -it certainly _is_ hard!" he repeated, as he balanced the poker, -preparatory to smashing the biggest piece of coal on the fire. "Why -the whole thing's next to impossible!" - -There was something in his tone that sounded promising. He had a -grievance evidently against the language; and there was a sufficient -amount of suppressed irritation in his voice to indicate that there -might be entertaining disclosures at hand. - -Jack O'Neill had worked too closely at his mathematics the winter -before, and had taken a long holiday in summer. A month of this he had -spent in Holland to master the Dutch language, he said, and get a good -general acquaintance with Dutch Literature. These had been great plans, -and we were naturally eager to learn how they had succeeded. We had -seen, however, very little of Jack since his return, as he had been -most of the time at his aunt's place in Connemara. Now that he was back -at Trinity safe and sound, we naturally expected to get the news sooner -or later. The conditions were so favourable that evening for a talker -to spin his yarn, that we were all impatience for Jack to begin. We -settled ourselves comfortably to listen; but he did not seem in a hurry -to unfold this particular tale. - -We had already heard from him a great deal about William the Silent, -and more than a great deal about Dutch art, but not a word about the -Dutch language. - -Our next-door neighbours, the "Professor" and the "Philosopher"--two -students from the Cape who were working for their degree--were as -interested as I was, in O'Neill's Dutch, and they used to drop in to -hear what was going on. - -It was the third evening they had called; and as it was clear that Jack -was somewhat reticent about his "linguistics", we had to guide him -gently to the subject. - -"Nonsense!" I said again. "_You_ had no difficulty. You made yourself -understood from the first. You wrote me that." - -"Well," said Jack, sitting bolt upright, "I know better now; and I -stopped talking Dutch when I began to understand myself. You have to -hunt in the dark," he explained, "to catch the exact word or the proper -idiom--and a man likes to know what he is talking about, himself. The -language isn't child's play, that's the truth. But it's a fine country. -You should see the light when--" - -"Oh," said the Philosopher, "we don't want to hear any more about the -country. Please not. We know all about those azure heavens and the -infinite horizons and the scrumbled distances and the Rembrandt cattle, -and all that. Why, man, I'll undertake to draw from your own rhapsodies -about those pictures an absolutely correct copy of (say) Paul Potter's -'Night Watch', or van der Helst's 'Anatomy Lesson', or Mesdag's -'Lost-Chord', and the canals and the clouds and the chiaro-oscuro. You -needn't go over them again". - -"But I thought", piped the First year's man, who always came in with -the Professor and never quite comprehended what was going on, "I -thought that the 'Night Watch' was not by Paul Potter. Surely the -'Night Watch' and the 'Anatomy Lesson' are two well-known pictures -by Remb--" "Never mind what you thought!" interrupted the Professor. -"Don't think, it's bad for your constitution. And above all things -don't try to be accurate, or you'll get yourself into trouble." - -"The Philosopher's right," I urged. "Our minds are a chaos after -O'Neill's descriptions. We'll only pardon you, Jack, all that golden -haze and the Rembrandts, if you condescend to plain facts. Tell us now -about your Dutch. Do. We're absolutely thirsting for an account of -your adventures. Or were you too timid to embark on the open sea of the -_taal_, sticking cravenly to English all the time? Why I thought you -had more _go_." - -"Mr. O'Neill promised to master the language in the first fortnight", -chimed in the First Year's man in his high boyish voice, "and to finish -the principal Dutch classics in the second fortnight. Those were his -very words." - - - - -CHAPTER II. - -GRAMMAR AND PHRASE BOOK. - -JA AND NEEN.--WILL YOU BITE?--THE PURCHASE OF THE BOOKS.--A LITERARY -FIND.--A PLENTIFUL HARVEST.--HURDLES.--THE VERB OF THE SEASON.--THE -TWELVE SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC.--THREE PRINCIPLES.--A WARNING NOTE. - - -"Well", said O'Neill with a kind of sickly smile, "I didn't get so very -much time, you see, either for the Literature or for the Language. Of -course there was much sight-seeing, and--I spent a good deal of time -over the pictures, which----" - -The Philosopher shut his eyes, heaved an audible sigh, but said nothing. - -"And", continued Jack hastily without seeming to notice the -interruption, "my efforts to speak Dutch were not always appreciated". - -"Really?" said the First Year's man, with sudden interest. - -"Go on", said the Professor, "now you're started". - -"You soon left your hotel for lodgings?" I added enquiringly. - -"Well, you see," he resumed, "I was afraid I'd never pick up the -language. There is no chance of practice unless you get away from -everybody that speaks English. That was not too easy, I tell you. -But Enderby helped me, and we searched about the Hague for two whole -days. At last we found perfectly charming rooms opposite a canal; the -landlady didn't know a word of English. She knew Dutch, though, all -right. Fluent, did you say? I should think she was. A perfect marvel. -No need of the dictionary, you know.--Verbs all in their proper -places--and plenty of them! - -Enderby told her all I required, and then went away. It was like being -thrown into the sea, as you may guess; but I imagined I should soon -learn to swim. There's nothing like being cast completely on your -own resources, they say. Still it was a bit awkward at coffee-time, -when the landlady came up and talked. She poured forth a rapid and -resistless stream of friendly Dutch upon me, while I nodded in the -intervals and tried to think. It was a very one-sided business. I was -very hungry, too, and wanted luncheon. Now there was abundance of this -unequal kind of conversation, but no lunch in sight, so I--(remember I -knew only ja and neen, and was not very sure of them, either)--I just -pointed gracefully to my lips to indicate that I needed food. That -produced an immediate effect--a torrent of eloquence forcibly delivered -and ending with some enquiry about _biting_! - -I shook my head and said "Neen, neen! You put it too -crudely--luncheon--eat--eat." - -"O ja," she replied, "best. Eten--eten om vijf uur--vijf." And she held -out one hand with the fingers spread. It seemed to me she was swearing -there was enough food in the house to satisfy a hungry Irishman. - -"Good--so far," I returned. "Ja, ja!" - -"En mynheer wil niet ontbijten?" she rejoined. This was the _biting_ -again, so I said decidedly, "Neen; niet bijte". She seemed surprised -and a little hurt, but she said nothing and went away. And of course I -had to fast until five o'clock. - -This would never do, I felt; and that evening I bought the first -grammar and dictionary I could lay my hands on at a second-hand -bookstall in the Binnenhof. - -They were antique looking volumes, most of them there; and my books -had a remarkably ancient aspect. But I was glad to find that I had -completed the purchase of them without using one word of English. How? -Oh, the method's very simple. You pick out some big book you don't -want, and hold it up interrogatively. - -You _can_ hold up a book interrogatively, you know, with a little -practice. Well, you lift some rubbishy, bulky volume that you wouldn't -be paid to put in your library, and you give it a sort of enquiring -wave in front of the vendor of these second-hand goods, and the vendor -immediately understands your picturesque query to be "How much?" He -answers promptly, and you as promptly drop the rubbishy fat volume, as -if it was a scorpion: you sigh resignedly, raise your eyebrows and walk -away disgusted. - -That is the first step. That is to give him respect for your -intelligence and to indicate your willingness to negociate on -reasonable terms. - -The next step is different. You linger with an air of disdain at the -tail-end of the bookstall; and, as an after-thought--just as you -are moving off--you halt a moment and flick the particular work you -do happen to want, with a careless forefinger or the point of your -walking-stick. At once the man talks, and you say "Nee". - -He talks more. You say, "Neen, neen" and shake your head sadly. He -talks still more, and gesticulates excitedly with the book in his hand. -You wait till he stops for breath, then suddenly interject, "Ja; best," -taking care to put down a large silver coin,--and the article is yours! -The negotiation is over; and all you have to do is to gather up your -purchase and a quantity of small silver and copper coins that you get -as change. Then with a little patience at home and some arithmetic you -can count out--approximately--how much the things have cost you. That's -the way you buy second-hand books." - -"I had no idea, Jack, you had such a genius for diplomacy," I murmured, -as O'Neill evidently expected us to say something. - -"Or for finance," added the First Year's Man. - -"Did your medieval purchases do all for you that you expected?" -enquired the Philosopher. - -"Well, hardly," said Jack. - -"After my first success I somewhat underestimated the difficulties of -the idiom. But I worked hard at the grammar." - -"Ah! a Grammar?" interrupted the Professor. "Did you say you acquired -a Grammar? I am interested. Could you manage to describe those volumes -now, if it's not too great a strain?" - -"Oh, the books!" resumed O'Neill. "Well--there was a little fat -Dictionary, closely printed, with Dutch into English and English into -Dutch; and there was a handsome new Phrase-book in brilliant colours, -containing conversations on the most unlikely topics. But I admit the -Grammar Exercise-book was the gem of the collection. It was printed on -a kind of dusky paper, something like blot-sheet, and it bore the date -1807. It had six hundred and thirty-one exercises, double ones, Dutch -into English and English into Dutch--and contained many idioms, hints, -exceptions, and explanations. In warnings, foot-notes, and asterisks -it was particularly rich. Not a few pages were ornamented with _Nota -Bene's_ of various brands, with hands, large and small, drawing -attention to them. The English of this manual was very odd, and by and -by I got the impression that the Dutch was rather shaky too. Not that I -guessed this at first, you may be sure; but it gradually dawned upon me. - -I took a certain pride in my treasures, and set about studying them -with zeal. No doubt it was disappointing just at the beginning to read: -_Nota Bene--No one but a Dutchman can emit this sound_; or this: "N. B. -*.*.*. _This sound must be heard._ It is _something like U_ but cannot -be otherwise described. It cannot be represented by any known letters. -Foreigners need not try it." - -But I skipped over these obstacles, mastered the verbs 'to be' and 'to -have', in their elements, got an idea of the way to construct plurals -and diminutives, and went to sleep content. - -Next morning after breakfast--which by the bye came up all right, -without any special effort on my part--, remembering that I needed pens -and ink I determined to go out and buy them myself. - - { _Have you pens?_ - { _Give me pens, please._ - { _Thank you._ - -That is all I seemed to require. - -_Have you?_ Well; that is not so simple as it looks. I consulted the -Grammar and was appalled to see the amazing variety of choice afforded -to any one in Holland who contemplated asking this innocent question. - - { hebt gij { hebt U Hebt gij(lieden) - { hebt ge { heeft U - { heb je { heeft UEdele - { heb jij { heeft Ue - { heeft Ues - -I looked carefully at this curious form. Yes, wherever it occurred, -there were marks of parenthesis tied round the (lieden). How was I to -pronounce those brackets? The vowels and the usual consonants I had -learnt already were very trying. But what about those marks? Did they -denote a cough, or a sneeze or gentlemanly tap of your foot on the -ground? On the whole I thought I should best represent them by two -graceful waves of the hand--one for each bracket. - - { hebt gij(lieden) with brackets carefully fenced - { round the(lieden) - { hebt jullie - { heb jelui - -I counted them over. There are twelve ways of saying _Have you_ in -Dutch. That was distinctly suggestive, it seemed to me at the first -brush, of the twelve months of the year. You could begin in January -with Hebt gij, in February you would have Hebt ge, and so you could -work on through the months, keeping your grammar and your chronology -going, side by side, through the seasons till you would emerge safely -near Christmas with Heb jelui. This theory was not without its -attractions. But what would happen in passing, say, from June to July, -if you forgot what day of the month it was? If it was July the first -and you imagined it was June the thirtieth, you would be talking bad -grammar! No: that would never do. My brilliant conjecture had soon to -be abandoned as fanciful, and I was very sorry. - -But the facts of the case were dead against the obvious chronological -arrangement, though they were by no means easily grasped. There were -asterisks and foot-notes to all these zodiacal forms; and a great -deal of solid reading had to be gone through before you got at the -relative force of any particular term. The erudition was distracting, -and the warnings were positively alarming, but after much painstaking -investigation I seemed to perceive three grand principles emerging." - -"Yes?" we all said together, as O'Neill paused for breath. "And these -were?--" - -"In the first place," resumed Jack deliberately, checking off the -principles upon his fingers. - -I. "Never say je or jij to a man unless you mean to insult him." - -II. In the second place, je and jij may be freely used on all -occasions, if you only know how. - -"But", said the First Year's Man, "you just said that..." - -"And," continued O'Neill firmly, not heeding the interruption, "and you -may use the Third Person of the verb for the Second and the Second for -the Third; and you may use a Plural for a Singular and a Singular for -a Plural; and you may use U for UE, and UE for UEdele; you use jij for -je, and je for ge, and ge for gij, and you use jullie for gy(lieden) -with brackets round the lieden; but no one now ever does say gy(lieden) -with brackets round the lieden, except in poetry; and nobody in any -circumstances ever uses UEdele except when dining with members of the -Royal Family. Then you are allowed to utter this vocable once, and must -maintain a discreet silence during the rest of the repast." - -"Where do you get all that rubbish?" I asked in disgust. - -"Boyton and Brandnetel", he answered glibly, "page 52." - -"At least", he added, "it was something like that. That gives you a -good general idea of the thing." - -"When you are quite done with Boyton," said the Professor slowly, "when -your education's finished, you know, I'll make you a reasonably high -offer for that book. Boyton would relieve the tedium of my philological -studies, I can see." - -"Perhaps," interposed the First Year Incorrigible, "perhaps Mr. -O'Neill's accuracy was all used up in his Artistic Studies. That would -leave none for the grammar." - -"That's a nice way to put it," said the Philosopher. "Please curb your -imagination, O'Neill; stick as near to probability as you can--without -too great pain to yourself--and we'll not be hard upon you. Wasn't -there a third clear principle that emerged in the course of your -investigations?" - -"Oh, yes", said O'Neill with some show of caution. "As nearly as I can -remember, it was this: - -III. Never say jou; and avoid UE except in correspondence. You are -warned against any approach to familiarity in the use of pronouns. The -courteous form is UEdele. Gij more respectful than jij. Je is a term of -endearment." - -"But," objected the First Year's Man, "it doesn't seem to hang -together, for you said just now--" - -"No debating allowed," growled the Philosopher. - -"Hurry up, O'Neill, with those general principles." - -"Oh, that's all of them," said Jack, "all at present." "Well, to resume -my story, I picked out the most harmless of the _have you's_, and was -proceeding to work out the formula for 'Have you pens,' when to my -consternation my eye fell on a dreadful warning, a kind of threat. - -_N.B. Important!--The foreigner is distinctly given to understand -that he must commit to memory some polite phrases before engaging in -conversation (see page 201) and study the chief sentences of a good -phrase book. All pronouns savouring of familiarity are to be carefully -avoided._ - - - - -CHAPTER III. - -THE RECITATIONS IN THE WOOD. - -A SUSPICIOUS POLICEMAN.--DUIZENDMAAL VERGIFFENIS.--DAT IK OP UW TEEN -HEB GETRAPT. - - -You may be sure that made me rather diffident till I had mastered -some of these 'polite phrases'. Polite they were, and no mistake--why -French was nothing to it!--and I got the very nicest of them well -into my head. I went round to Enderby's, and he put me on the way of -pronouncing the words. Then I took a whole morning in Het Bosch and -recited them to myself aloud. When no one was in sight I allowed myself -some freedom of utterance; and once I thought I must have startled with -my _ore rotundo_ an artist who was plying his harmless calling unseen -behind a clump of trees. At least some one retired very hastily after I -had delivered, "Doe zooveel moeite niet", three times with a vigorous -rising inflection and four times with the falling inflection, followed -in each case by the rhetorical pause. From the deserted easel I judged -it must have been an artist. He withdrew at a good pace, and never once -looked back. - -These and similar polite idioms I repeated over some hundreds of times, -till I knew them backwards and forwards and every way, and could -have rattled them off in my sleep. Then there was some difficulty in -avoiding the policemen in the wood. They kept prowling about after -I had incautiously experimented on the first one with, "Mynheer! ik -wensch U goeden morgen; ik hoop dat ik U niet stoor. Vaarwel." He had -looked amazed at this; so, as a parting shot--a sort of courteous Good -Bye--I added gaily, "Ik bid U maak geen complimenten." It was this -that made the trouble, as he looked distinctly displeased, not to say -suspicious. When he heard the words first, he had stood speechless, -transfixed. Then he followed me home and hung about the street--I could -see him from my window--for over half an hour. I feared my pronouns -had been too familiar, though I couldn't see how to change them, for -there they were in the book. On the whole I concluded I had been a -trifle abrupt, and with renewed vigour I set to and committed a host -of apologetic phrases such as: "Ik bid U verschoon mij. Duizendmaal -vergiffenis. Het heeft niets te beduiden." A pretty little triplet -caught my ear and I took rather a fancy to it: "Het geeft niets--het -hindert niet--het komt er niet op aan." - -It was a little puzzling to disentangle some of the courteous -introductions from the sentences in which they stood; and occasionally -I committed to memory somewhat more than I needed. This was the case -with a sentence that greatly took my fancy. It was an apology to an -imaginary gentleman in a tram-car for having trodden on his foot. -It seemed odd to provide yourself so soon for such contingency; but -of course the book knew best. Well, from constantly seeing the two -parts of this sentence together I got into the way mechanically of -associating the one phrase with the other. Thus when repeating that -engaging expression "Duizendmaal vergiffenis", I was accustomed to -follow it up by, "dat ik op Uw teen heb getrapt," either in my own -mind or audibly, for the sake of practice. From the first this polite -sentence was a great favourite of mine, and I was soon able to repeat -it with the utmost fluency and ease. So well did I know it, indeed, -after two day's practice that I was tempted to seek occasion for its -use, and in getting into the tram-car. I was half disposed to brush, -accidentally, against any object in the way for the sake of working -off my courteous apology. But that sort of thing has unexpected -consequences; and I came to the conclusion that it is more philosophic -to learn too little than to learn too much. Ne quid nimis, you know." - -"Oh, leave metaphysics to me," said the Philosopher, "and go on with -your story. You wanted to buy pens? Did you get them?" - -"Not at first," answered O' Neill shamefacedly, "but I'll tell you -about it". - - - - -CHAPTER IV. - -THE PURCHASE OF THE PENS. - -THE VALUE OF DIMINUTIVES.--NEBBETJES.--POENTEKENS.--A -STUMPER.--SNAVEL--NOT SWAVEL.--EEN STREEPJE DOOR.--HOENDERHOK WAS -ALWAYS DOUBTFUL.--THE UMBRELLA TO THE RESCUE. - - -"And what", said I, "might be the particular difficulty of saying -_pens_ in Dutch? You had a dictionary?" - -"Dictionary indeed!" retorted O'Neill with some heat. "Commend me to a -dictionary for leading you astray." - -There was a penholder in the room, so what I needed was only nibs. -Having already with much pain made my selection among the _have you's_, -I now looked up _nib_ in the dictionary. Nib was represented by five -words, three of which seemed likely enough to be right, i. e. _neb_, -_punt_, and _snavel_. Accordingly I wrote these down and worked out -their plurals and diminutives. The doubtful ones I kept in reserve. Why -did I fancy diminutives? Oh, the grammar put me on the way of finding -them, and I got quite partial to their use. It is such a comfort, you -know, they are all neuter. You can put _het_ in front of one, and -then it's safe for nominative or accusative, wherever it drops in the -sentence. - -Thus armed for the fray, and confiding in my grammar and dictionary, I -sallied forth to buy those nibs. - -There was no use in going to a large shop, for experience had taught me -I should at once be accosted there in English; so I wandered about till -I discovered a kind of small general warehouse in an obscure street. -Making sure, by a careful inspection from without, that pens were -among the commodities sold in this place, I muttered a polite phrase -or two below my breath, cleared my throat, and entered boldly. There -was a big good-natured man reading behind the counter. No one else was -in the shop. The circumstances simply couldn't be more propitious for -beginning the difficult art of Dutch conversation. - -"Mynheer!" said the big man, putting down the newspaper and looking at -me amiably over his spectacles. - -"Mynheer!" I replied, "Ik wensch U goeden morgen." - -In the momentary pause that I was obliged to make, to get my polite -phrase properly by the end, he rose up and said in an encouraging, -friendly manner, "Wat wou Mynheer?" - -"Mynheer", I returned, confident in the correctness of phrase number -two, "Mag ik U beleefd verzoeken mij mede te deelen, verkoopt jullie -nebben--of nebs?" - -He eyed me steadily for half a minute and then exclaimed: - -"Blief?" - -I said "Blief" too. - -But I had to go over it again. He shook his head: "Nebs--Nebs? Wat -bedoelt Mynheer?" - -"Heeft UE nebs,--of nebben?" I said--"of nebbetjes?" - -The last variations were of my own invention, thrown out as suggestions -merely in order to make sure of catching the correct plural. The -Grammar--Boyton, you know--had been strong on diminutives; hence I -thought "nebbetjes" might make things clear. Apparently it did, for a -deep voice at my elbow said, "Voor paling", and I turned round to see -a red-faced sailor with rings in his ears, nodding and smiling. "Ja, -ja, ik weet het wel," he said to the shopman; "Mynheer gaat visschen," -adding confidentially for my benefit, "Engelsman always feesh." - -Before I had made out what this friendly mariner wanted to be at, the -shopman had produced a tiny fishing-rod and tackle, which he planted -down before me with an air of triumph, "Als 't U blieft, Mynheer!" - -"Neen--Ik bid U"--I explained, grasping for my manuscript. A glance -at the document told me that the next word for nib was _punt_, plural -probably "_punten_", pronunciation doubtful. - -"Mynheer", I said, "zou U zoo goed willen wezen my te zeggen.... -verkoopt UE poenten?" - -"Wat zegt U, Mynheer?" - -I explained "Zou U zoo goed willen zijn mij beleefd te zeggen en te -verwittigen, verkoopt UEdele poenten of poentekens?" - -I put in the "UEdele" once, you see, to propitiate the shopman, who was -growing flurried, as the shop was beginning now to fill with customers. -He didn't seem, however, more than half pleased at being called -"UEdele"; so I determined to give him another pronoun next time--there -was plenty of choice without touching on the despised "jy." - -"Ik bid U verschoon my!.... Mag ik beleefd verzoeken, verkoopt gy -(lieden) spitsen?" When I came to the brackets of the (lieden) I -expressed them vaguely by a graceful sweep of both hands. - -No; he shrugged his shoulders in good-natured perplexity; he didn't -understand; and indeed my rendering of the (lieden) may have confused -him. - -Then in dumb show I wrote with an imaginary pen on an imaginary piece -of paper, saying very distinctly, "poent!" "spits!" "poent!" A light -seemed suddenly to dawn upon him; he went to a drawer and brought out -crayons and pencils, and reached me a stumper,--one of those soft -pointed things for rubbing in mountains and clouds, on a pencil sketch. -It was such a surprise after the fishing rod that I involuntarily -exclaimed, "Hallo! a stumper!" Well, as that harmless English term -seemed to ruffle him somewhat, I hurried to my next word. This word by -the way I had written twice, having misspelled it the first time. Now -as I stooped down to make it out, my nautical friend, whose interest in -me had never flagged, read it before me: "Swavel! mynheer wou swavel." - -"Hoeveel?" said the shopman impatiently. - -"Voor dit," I replied, putting down a five-penny piece. - -He mumbled something about swavel to a message-boy, who forthwith -left the shop; and I sat down to wait. It was a vast relief to cease -speaking Dutch for a few minutes; and yet I felt uneasily conscious -that there was a mistake somewhere. The shop was filled with pens, so -that if I was really buying pens now--as I hoped I was--there was no -need for the message-boy to go elsewhere. - -On calmly examining my notes I detected the error. The sailor had read -the word in the first rough draft instead of the corrected copy. I -started up hurriedly and went to the counter through the crowd. - -"Duizendmaal vergiffenis!" I said. "Verschoon my. Ik veroorzaak U veel -moeite." - -"Ja mynheer," he replied patiently. - -"Niet zwavel hier," I said, pointing to my paper. 'I have drawn my -pencil through it,' I wanted to say, but of course couldn't. Then a -happy thought struck me. Say I have a line through it--streepje is the -grammar word for a little line. - -"Mijnheer," I explained, "niet zwavel hier; zwavel niet. Ik heb een -streepje door het." Well, would you believe me, that was the most -successful remark I had made as yet? I expected that he would be -irritated by my mistake and apology. No such thing. He received my -statement with unbounded delight. "Ja, ja," he said, "dat geloof ik -ook; dat geloof ik ook." - -"Wel zeker," I continued pleasantly, glad to see him take it in such -good part. "Een streepje door." - -With that they all turned to one another and smiled and nodded to me -quite merrily, as if I had said something clever. It shows what a -literary people the Dutch are, that they are pleased beyond measure -when a foreigner in conversation refers to any small technicality out -of the grammar. Indeed so encouraged was I by all this enthusiasm that -I boldly made use of my remaining words. - -"Mynheer! wilt u mij toestaan U te vragen..... verkoopt gy snavels?" - -"Snavels," I repeated as he stared,--"of snaveltjes". - -He gasped a moment, as if taken utterly by surprise; then ran behind -the counter into a little dark room, where I could hear him make a -succession of curious muffled sounds. The noise subsided, and he -seemed to tell the story to somebody. A white face peered out from -behind the lace curtains--and the chuckling was renewed. Now this was -all very puzzling--but it was quite clear that 'snavel' was not the -usual term for 'pen'. - -Here the little errand-boy entered with a package which he thrust into -my hand. - -Sulphur! - -"Heelemaal neen," I said. - -I was vainly endeavouring to get him to take it back, when the shopman -reappeared from his dark den as grave as a judge, and I turned to him. - -There was one word left. It might be right, though I had doubted it -from the first; but I would try. It was a long word, too, and from -the root of the first part, it promised to have something to do with -fowls. Thus I conjectured that its meaning might be 'quill pen'; but my -confidence in the dictionary was by this time much shaken. - -"Wilt gij my toestaan", I said, "U te vragen?" "Ja, mijnheer!" he -replied expectantly. - -Then I got a little confused, and no wonder. "Durf ik zoo beleefd te -kunnen zijn!... om mij mede te deelen en... mij te verwittigen?" I -lost myself again. It's easy to begin a Dutch conversation but hard -to get out of it with honour. Like a drowning man clutching at a -straw I grasped at something: "Verkoopt jullie hoenderhokken ... of -hoenderhokkjes?" - -He said nothing--did not even look at me--but moved his hands -helplessly, as if subduing some strong emotion. I did not press this -word on him, as I scarcely ever use quill pens; and it was as likely as -not that the dictionary had failed me again. - -I set him at his ease by a courteous phrase or two. "Het geeft -niets--het hindert niet--het komt er niet op aan." Then refraining from -further speech, I pointed out some nibs with my umbrella, and, having -secured a box of excellent J pens, made good my retreat under cover of -a friendly phrase or two: "Mijnheer! het spijt mij zeer; maar ik moet -afscheid nemen. Vaarwel." - -It had been rather a strain, and I was glad to get out again into the -open air. On the way home I could think it all over calmly, and at -leisure I deduced that most useful principle _never to use more than -one word out of the dictionary for one word of English_. - - - - -CHAPTER V. - -LOCAL COLOUR. - -SCHEI UIT! SCHIET OP! TOE DAN!--GUNST! HEUS! MIS!--ZANIK NOU NIET.--THE -WORD FOR LIGHTNING.--IS TO BE ESCHEWED. - - -After these efforts I judged it wise to take a day or two's rest from -the actual practice of Dutch conversation till my nerves had recovered -their tone, and until I had mastered more of the grammar and the idiom. -I was the more concerned to do so as Enderby, to whom I had related my -purchase of the pens, told me that my language on that occasion had -been much too stiff and formal. For the purpose then of acquiring an -everyday vocabulary I listened attentively to the talk in the streets -and tram-cars. Most of it was unintelligible to me, but I caught up -some vigorous and happy phrases here and there. These I soon learned to -pronounce in a kind of way, but it was difficult to get at their exact -meaning, for many popular idioms did not appear in my dictionary at all. - -There was a vocable that occasioned me some perplexity--indeed a haze -envelopes it still. It sounded like _Eris_, but had nothing to do -with the Goddess of Strife. It doesn't seem to have any particular -signification, and you can introduce it anywhere to give a finish to -your style. Some people were fond of _evetjes_, a word of the same -class, on which none of my books shed the least light. Though my -authorities were likewise silent about _Toe! toe dan_, I perceived that -this was the proper expression for courteous appeal, and as such I have -always used it, with confidence and success. - -Two curious imperative moods, which were popular at the street corners, -I did find in my grammar. They belong to that provoking category of -words that, as you touch them carelessly, break up into smaller verbs -and prepositions. I used to compare them mentally to those lizards -that drop their tails when you handle them roughly. Only instead of -tails these _werkwoorden_ drop their _voorzetsels_, which turn up again -unexpectedly in distant parts of the sentence. One of these "lizards" -was _schei uit_, which means indifferently, 'stop talking now', -'analyse it' and 'go away'. It was pleasant to hear so scientific a -term as schei er uit or schiet nouw op (shoot up now, aim high) used so -often. I soon became quite dexterous in employing them myself. On the -whole I got little help from my dictionary in tracing out the idioms of -everyday live. Two interrogative particles, for example, without which -the lower classes, when excited, could hardly ask a question, were -quite ignored both by Boyton and the Woordenboek. The were _Zaliku_ and -_Woujeme_. I was left to conjecture the force of these particles--that -they were forcible I could see--might remotely resemble that of the -familiar num or nonne of Latin. - -Occasionally animated interlocutors became suddenly oracular: their -flow of language stopped and they uttered some one solitary syllable -such as _Gunst!_ or _heus!_ or _mis!_ or _raak!_ These single shots -were often most effective, but I never could imitate them successfully. -_Ach!_ was safe mostly for "I'm sorry"; _Och!_ for "I don't care"; and -I discovered a treasure in _He!_ That is a contraction for "Do you -really mean it?" On the other hand _He!_ I found was "Shocking!" "How -very dreadful!" When I used these little words I seemed never quite to -hit the bull's eye, however. Invariably I said either more or less -than I intended. But I made very good play with pretty triplets like -_'t zal wel_, and _schei er uit_, and with expressions of approval: -_da's leuk_, _aardig hoor_, _och kom_. It gives a vivid local colour -to your conversation if you drop in now and again a homely fresh idiom -caught from the lips of the people. That prevents one's vocabulary -becoming too bookish. You can give quite a realistic flavour to your -remarks by interjecting occasionally _waarempeltjes_ or _Wel van -mijn leven!_ Among the encouraging ejaculations of every day I soon -concluded that none was more likely to prove useful than "_Zanik nou -niet_", a popular favourite which one may render roughly by "Pray, -don't mention it", "Don't trouble about it". This idiom has been simply -invaluable. - -Anomalies of pronunciation were not numerous, but they existed. _Nouw_, -a common word, must be spelt _nu_; and the advice _duwen_, which -was printed up on the inner door of the Post-Office, was pronounced -_douwe_. Most enigmatical perhaps was the contrast between the barber's -notice on the window of his establishment, and what he said to you when -you entered. Outside it was _haarsnijden_ and never anything else. -That is the printed form; inside, however, you must pronounce it -_haarknippen_. - -Still these are trifles compared with the real puzzles. I witnessed -a street dispute one evening. It was about herring, I think, but I -really couldn't follow the one thousandth part of the vigorous debate. -Picturesque idioms were bandied to and fro; happily no harm was done. -One could not help noticing that the Grammar-book was right. Jij and -jou were freely employed, and the disputants did not once address each -other as U or UEdele. On that occasion there was another epithet or -pronoun or interjection, which none of my previous studies had at all -prepared me for. Turning it up in the dictionary as well as I could, I -learnt that it might be translated by 'lightning', and that it was an -ordinary noun. Next day I enquired of Enderby if the word for lightning -could ever be employed as an interrogative particle or a pronoun. He -was horrified and said "Please don't be vulgar". - -"All right," I replied, "I don't intend to be, but what about that -personal pronoun?" - -"Hush!" he said. "Stop; it's not a pronoun." - -"Well whatever it is," I told him, "noun or pronoun, if you had heard -it used as I did, you would admit that it was very _personal_." - -"Don't be frivolous," he retorted solemnly, "and let me give you a -piece of advice. As long as you are in Holland never let anyone hear -you utter that word. Say _onweer_ or _weerlicht_. The other word is not -decent, it is almost wicked." - -"There now; don't be surly", I reasoned, "the thing is in the -dictionary." - -"Never mind. That's for science or for poetry. Then it's all right. But -_you_ had better have nothing to do with it. Try and forget it." - -I did try. But I didn't succeed. - -For the more trouble you take to forget a thing, the better you -remember it. At least that's my experience, and if I strain every nerve -to get a word out of my head, it simply never goes! So if there be a -Dutch noun that I recall accurately and without effort, it is just the -scientific and poetical term for 'lightning'. - - - - -CHAPTER VI. - -A WASH-LIST IN DUTCH. - -HOE TO SELECT YOUR WORD.--ETYMOLOGY AN UNSAFE GUIDE.--COMMON-SENSE -MISLEADING.--ZIE-BENEDEN.--THE KERCHIEF OF QUEEN ELIZABETH.--A WORK -OF ART.--VOOR EEN HOND.--MOET MIJNHEER NAAR DE GEVANGENIS?--QUEEN -ELIZABETH IS UNKNOWN.--DON'T REASON. - - -It was a day or two after the purchase of the pens and I was beginning -to feel my zeal for Dutch returning, when the landlady entered -the sitting-room and fired my enthusiasm. She had a collar and a -pocket-handkerchief in her hand; she waved them in the air and said -"Voor de waschvrouw." - -I caught the idea at once, banished the landlady, and sat down to make -out a wash-list with the help of the dictionary and by the light of -nature. - -In bold characters I headed my document 'Lijst voor de Waschvrouw'; and -turned up the word 'collar'. The usual thing, of course, met my gaze--a -bewildering supply of equivalents--boordje, rollade, kraag, halsband, -halssieraad. Now for the crucial question--on what principle am I to -make my selection? For I was quite determined to stick by the principle -I had learnt in the pen-shop, and use only one Dutch word for one word -in English. But which one? The dictionary had a second part to it, -Dutch into English. So I felt sure in my innocence that I could hunt -down anything and get its exact signification. - -I tried 'boordje'. - -It was a bad omen that 'boordje' didn't figure in the Dutch-English -part at all. Naturally a man reasons that if boordje really means -a common thing like collar--an article of attire in daily use--it -would surely be given a place in a Dutch-English lexicon. It wasn't -there; and to confirm me in my determination to reject 'boordje', my -eye caught 'boord'. 'Boord' was of fairly catholic application; for -it included things as dissimilar as border, rim, shelf, seam, bank -and hem. To make a diminutive of this,--'little border', 'little -rim', 'little bank',--wouldn't bring one measurably nearer 'collar'. -_Boordje_ therefore was rejected absolutely. So far good. - -_Rollade_ was more promising. It suggested somehow a turn-down collar, -and sounded courtly. But there was against it the strong objection -that it didn't appear in the Dutch-English lexicon. _Rollade_ therefore -was set aside provisionally. - -_Kraag_ again offered well, but on inspection proved far too vague, for -it included the ideas of cape, neck, nape and hood. That wouldn't do. -It was far too uncertain. Therefore 'Kraag' was marked as 'doubtful.' - -Diligence however is its own reward, and I found a prize in the next -word. _Halsband_ answered every reasonable expectation. It stood every -test I could apply to it. - -The Dutch-English lexicon said it was 'collar', and nothing more. - -Etymology confirmed the dictionary: _hals_, the neck; _band_, a band--a -band for the neck--what could be clearer? If that wasn't collar, -nothing was. - -So I wrote down with much confidence, as my first item, _6 halsbanden_. -I felt that this was an excellent beginning and that Dutch was not such -a difficult language after all. _Gunst!_ I said to myself; for I felt -so elated at my success, that in a way I was almost thinking in Dutch. -Gunst, uitstekend! now for the next article. - -That was _cuff_. Cuff said the dictionary was slag, manchet, oorveeg -and handboei. Which would I take? I examined _slag_, and learnt it was -the proper term for battle, fight, or opportunity. - -This gave me much food for thought. I turned the matter over in every -possible way, yet to no purpose. It was impossible to detect any -necessary connection between a 'battle' or an 'opportunity', and 'a -pair of cuffs'; so I dropped 'slag' without regret. - -'_Oorveeg_' at first looked more attractive. - -Its derivation, however, showed that it was something that 'skimmed -along' the ear, or 'touched it lightly'! - -Now it was conceivable that the sleeves or cuffs of ancient times had -proved inconvenient; but that they had ever been so large as to flap -about one's ears, I positively refused to believe. - -It was quite a comfort to discover, as I did somewhat by accident, that -'oorveeg' meant a 'box on the ear.' Thus I could reject it without -scruple--which I did. - -_Manchet_ was so obviously French that I never looked at it twice. My -grammar was most stringent in banishing all foreign words. Especially -avoid French terms, it insisted. That was an easy rule. Geen Fransch -woordje bij! So I avoided manchet. - -I had now only one word left, which of course must be right. Handboei, -moreover, defined its own functions with welcome precision. It -obviously meant something to _fit_ closely round the _hand_; and with a -sense of having achieved an intellectual victory, I set down on my list -below the 'halsbanden', '_4 paar handboeien_'. - -After this discipline in the art of 'rejections and exclusions' it -seemed child's play to fix on the proper rendering for _sock_. - -Sok--blyspel--vilten binnenzool--ploegschaar,--that was what the -front part of the dictionary gave me to work upon. 'Blyspel' and -'ploegschaar' I dropped overboard without qualm, for I found they meant -'comedy' and 'ploughshare'; and when it came to choosing between sok -and vilten binnenzool, I gave the first the preference, as my book shed -no light whatever on vilten binnenzool. - -I regretted this rather, as there was a fine air of dignity about the -latter. - -But I put down '4 paar sokken,' with a note of interrogation, and added -'vilten binnenzolen' in brackets--to make all clear. - -There were seven 'handkerchiefs' to be translated into Dutch; and -for 'handkerchief' the little fat Dictionary became more than usually -oracular. - -Opposite the English word it had two Dutch words without a comma -between, so that I felt morally certain it was a case of vilten -binnenzool again--a sort of euphonious compound which you must take in -its entirety or not at all. - -This compound word was 'Zie beneden'. - -I soon detected that the primitive meaning of this curious name was -'look below'. At first indeed it struck me that it might refer to a -footnote; but there was no footnote in the Dictionary, good or bad, -from cover to cover, except B* on page 91, so I soon abandoned this -idea as fanciful. - -It was certainly hard to trace any connection between the advice -(imperative mood, if you please) 'see below!' and what we usually -understand by a 'handkerchief'. - -The mystery seemed to clear a little when I remembered that a -'handkerchief' was a 'kerchief' for the hand; and that in the Tudor -age 'kerchiefs' used to be worn round the neck. In fine old historical -portraits that I had seen of Queen Elizabeth and Queen Mary, their -Majesties were always represented with elaborate cambric things about -their shoulders. It was quite a feature of the period. Thus 'zie -beneden' was no doubt the original word corresponding to 'kerchief'; -and it would take its name from the fact that when the wearer in -ancient times glanced down, he could easily see it on his chest. He -would call it a 'look below' quite naturally. Then the name would -remain unaltered, while the article would become first a kerchief for -the hand, then finally a pocket-handkerchief. - -As there were plenty of analogies in English for that sort of word -formation, I became quite sure of my ground, and at the end of my list -wrote with the pride of a philologist, '_7 ziebenedens_'. - -A few other words I got with comparative ease, and jotted down in their -places. - -The more I looked at my finished document, the better I liked it. - -This is how it ran:-- - - Lyst voor de Waschvrouw: - - 6 halsbanden, - 4 paar handboeien. - 3 nachtgewaden. - 4 paar sokken? (Vilten binnenzolen). - 7 Zie benedens. - - Totaal = 32 Voorwerpen. - - Ik bid de waschvrouw gauw de voorwerpen terug te zenden. - - Aug. 5. J. O'Neill. - -I was quite unprepared for the effect which my manuscript had on the -landlady. When she came up presently for the wash-list, I said to her -carelessly, as if I was in the habit of writing Dutch every day, "Voor -de waschvrouw,--klaar". - -She took the document in her hand and glanced at it; then suddenly sat -down in my best arm-chair! - -Now you must know that she is very respectful, always stands -deferentially in my presence, and never dreams of taking liberties. Her -conduct now was unaccountable. There she sat in the chair, rocking to -and fro, her face hidden with both hands. Her agitation increased till -finally she gave a kind of snort, for which she immediately apologised: -"Neem me niet kwalijk, mijnheer! neem me niet kwalijk!" - -Having regained a momentary composure, she dried her eyes with the -corner of her apron and allowed her gaze to wander round the room. It -fell upon my paper, and off she went again in a sort of suppressed -shriek. - -"O mijnheer! mijnheer!" she stammered convulsively. "Het is--voor--voor -een hond!" - -She ended with a hysterical sob as if she feared her emotions would -choke her utterance. - -All this naturally raised my suspicions as to the purity of my Dutch, -though it seemed incredible that there could be much amiss with it. -"Voor een hond" sounded like an expression of contempt, just as we dub -ill-composed Latin, 'Dog-Latin', or pronounce poor food to be 'not fit -for a dog.' - -She surely couldn't imply that my Dutch would make a dog laugh? - -It was clear now that she was highly amused at something I had written. -At this I was just a little indignant, having spent all the morning -hunting up equivalents in the dictionary and debating with myself about -them. - -To discourage her levity I answered quite coldly: "Wat is voor een -hond? ik zie geen hond. Waar is hij?" - -"O mijnheer", was the spasmotic reply, delivered in jerks, -"halsband,--hals--band--is altijd voor--voor een hond! Ik lach me dood!" - -I could not argue the point with her or convince her by reasoning that -my choice must be correct. - -So I just said "He!" and waited for her to recover. Presently she -dried her eyes again, rose from the arm-chair, and tried to get away; -but once more her eye fell on the fatal manuscript--this time on -Handboeien--and again she dropped back with a smothered yell. - -Then she apologized, then cried, then laughed, then finally gathered -breath to say, "Voor een gevangene! Moet mijnheer naar de gevangenis?" - -"Ik weet het niet," I protested in perplexity; "ik weet er niets van. -Wat is gevangenis?" - -She rose, and silently picking up my little dictionary, with an -unsteady hand turned over to 'gevangenis.' She pointed to the English -and I read 'prison'. Thus the 'handboeien' were 'handcuffs'! - -I couldn't say she was mistaken. So I merely drew my pen through this -item and said "He!" letting the matter rest. - -Now she laughed at everything, at nachtgewaden, at voorwerpen, at my -message to the washerwoman, even at sokken, though since I have never -been able to discover why, except that it was the only proper word on -the list. - -But nothing could make her understand what I meant by Zie-benedens. - -I couldn't explain to her all about Queen Elizabeth and Queen Mary -and the parallel historical development of cognate languages; I hadn't -Dutch enough for it. - -Pulling a handkerchief out of my pocket, and showing it to her, I said, -"Dit--dit is een zie beneden!" - -But at that she only laughed the more. - -Then she chuckled and tittered and coughed and said "Oh! Oh!" and held -her sides and stumbled all the way down those steep stairs to the -imminent danger of her life. Half way down she had stopped for breath; -distinctly I could hear her panting and muttering: "Oh mens! mens! -Ik kan nie meer. Ik stik!" For the rest of the day bursts of jovial -laughter kept rising from the kitchen, and an air of hilarity hung -about the lower storey for a whole week. - -Sir, said O' Neill, that is the deplorable result of bringing reason to -bear on the material the dictionary gives. For here is another general -principle I have discovered about languages: _The more arguments you -find in favour of any given word the more certain it is that that word -is totally wrong._ - - - - -CHAPTER VII. - -SOME MISUNDERSTANDINGS. - -WHAT'S PUT IN DUTCH?--THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT.--THE BEAUTIFUL MAN. - - -Next evening Jack O'Neill resumed his narrative to myself alone, on the -understanding that our friends would drop in if they could. - -"Where was I?" he said. "Ah, yes, I had just told you about the -wash-list. - -"Well; I learnt many things in the next few days, said he,--especially -grammar. Rules and exceptions I committed to memory and could rattle -you off werkwoorden and voortzetsels, bijvoegelijke naamwoorden, -verleden deelwoorden and onbepaalde wijzen with vigour and promptitude. - -In walking about the town and neighbourhood, too, I caught up more and -more of those native idioms that give colour and fragrance to one's -speech. Of course I was at a loss now and again to explain what I -heard and saw. - -The notice boards, for example, of some inn such as "De Nieuwe Aanleg" -remained somewhat mysterious; and on enquiry a satisfactory translation -was never forthcoming. "The New Genius" was very wide of the mark, -evidently. "The New Tendency" was equally obscure. - -Two common English verbs I found very difficult to render exactly. -These were 'drive' and 'put'. - -'Put' you have to use so often that it is certainly provoking to hunt -for a new verb almost every time you have a fresh order to give. 'Put -it down', 'put it in the cupboard,' 'put it in the hall'--well, I -managed these somehow. But when it came to having letters posted, I was -a long time at sea. - -I wrote a good deal; and 'put that letter in the box' was a common -order I had to give. Now 'box' was easy enough, for the receptacle -in the street was duly called 'Brievenbus'. But when I said, 'Plaats -dien brief in de brievenbus,' the maidservant stared at me as if I was -hardly human. - -'Zet' and 'werp' were not much clearer, apparently. 'Gooi', I must -admit, always made her perform the task with alacrity, but with an air -that plainly said the matter was not very serious. - -By a happy accident I became aware that all you need say for 'put' is -'_doe_'; but alas! it will only help you for a few of the simplest -'puts'. - -Two functionaries called about orphans one day, and I said "Put me -down for five guilders". "Doe mij beneden voor vijf gulden". It wasn't -idiomatic, but they caught the idea when they saw the coins. - -Of course the long and the short _a_ are notorious, and they perplexed -me nearly every time I worked with them. You can't be always sure that -you have hit the right one. - -An important letter had to go off one evening, and I impressed on the -domestic that she must be careful. - -'Voorzichtig hoor!--voorzichtig!' I repeated, 'want dit is een -gewichtige zak'. - -I might have spared myself the trouble, for she tossed it in one hand -and said, "Een zak, mijnheer, ha!" and departed with a gaiety of manner -that augured ill for the safety of my missive. All the while I imagined -I had said _zaak_,--but my _a_ was too short. - -One night when the landlady's son--a promising youth of -thirteen--brought up the supper, he appeared playful and excited. He -urged me, as I understood it, to come downstairs and admire a man that -was in the street. Surely it must be a fine specimen of manly grace -that could elicit this interest! Yes, the man there was 'erg mooi', he -assured me. - -'U moet es eve kome kijke, mijnheer.' - -The request was odd, and I refused at first. As he persisted, however, -I accompanied him downstairs, wondering whether there was an acrobat -performing in the market-place or if a statue had been erected whilst I -was at dinner. - -When we came outside, there was nothing remarkable to be seen in the -street. My guide, however, didn't mind that, but pointing triumphantly -to the sky where the full moon was shining, he exclaimed with delight: -"Daar, mijnheer, kijk nou is, nietwaar?" - -It looked like boyish chaff, getting the foreigner to leave his room to -gaze at the 'man in the moon', and I was dumb with indignation at his -audacity. Gradually, however, the facts of the case emerged. The youth -was only considerately anxious that I should not miss seeing the big -Dutch moon itself, which was indeed that evening particularly fine. It -was a 'mooi maan' not "man". - -Yes; the long and the short _a_ are not to be trifled with, and you'll -get into no end of trouble if you ever mix them. - - - - -CHAPTER VIII. - -OUT FOR A WALK. - -NAAR HET EINDE.--A ONE-SIDED CONVERSATION.--KOLOSSAAL MOOI.--THE -LIGHTNING CONDUCTOR.--TAKE CARE OF YOUR WORDS.--A CHARMING WALK.--NAAST -DE PALING.--LIEMOEN-MOES.--A MYSTERIOUS BEVERAGE.--MELOEN MET -APPELMOES.--DRIVE ME TO THE HAGUE.--A DREADFUL INTERVIEW.--THE IRATE -INN-KEEPER.--A HAPPY ESCAPE.--VAARWEL. - - -Starting one morning for a long ramble in the country I took the -first stage by tram. It was very early, and as there were no other -passengers, the conductor was disposed to be communicative. He was -absolutely eager to talk, and he came up to me at once. - -Now I have noticed that at one time it is much easier to express -oneself in a foreign language than at another. - -Sometimes the grammar you have mastered becomes positively oppressive, -and your tongue refuses to lend itself to the task. - -I cannot tell whether it may be due to barometric pressure or to -some electrical condition, but on certain days I cannot--to put it -mildly--come up to my normal standard, either of perspicuity or ease. - -This was one of my bad days, and I was little inclined to respond to -the conductor's advances. Fate was against me, however, for I didn't -know the name of the place I was bound for. Enderby had several times -taken me to a pretty village some few miles from the Hague. It was the -terminus of the tram-line, and I purposed to tram there first and then -to start out on my country walk. - -I had never troubled much about the geography of the district, and -consequently was quite in the dark now as to what the village was -called. This was awkward, for the talkative conductor was already at -hand trying to open conversation. - -He made a first essay by producing his bunch of tickets and asking me, -"Hoe ver, mijnheer?" - -I waved my hand and said, "Den geheelen weg." Seeing he was not -satisfied with this, I amplified the remark by adding "Naar het einde." - -As he was still slightly bewildered, I glanced up to the tram-car -itself to ascertain, if possible, its destination. The designation of -the village would surely be printed somewhere on the vehicle. Happily -I could just make out at the end of a long series of hard words the -name 'Simplex'. Pointing to this with a careless flourish of my stick I -said "Ja; ik ga even naar Simplex." - -"Net, mijnheer," he laughed, "ha! ha!, overal reclame!" - -Before he had recovered from my unconscious wit, I perceived the error -into which I had fallen. Simplex was merely a cycle-advertisement. - -Then I laughed as heartily as he, saying "Gunst ja; overal"--which -emboldened him to be still more familiar. - -He fancied that I was a perfect master of Dutch, and could even joke -in it. He talked most volubly; and,--my reputation as a linguist being -now at stake,--whenever he made a slight pause I was obliged to say -something to show I understood. - -I didn't understand. But I started him off always when he was inclined -to stop, and I kept him going by a careful use of 'ja' and 'neen'. If -he appeared to expect agreement, I threw in a hearty 'natuurlijk', 'ja -zeker', or 'wel van mijn leven.' At other points, and for variety's -sake, I interjected indignant negatives: 'Wel nee!' 'schei er uit!' -'Hoe heb ik het met je?'--and now and then even 'och kom!' with the -peculiar shake of the head that accompanies this phrase. - -The plan was brilliantly successful. True, he stopped sometimes and -took a long queer look at me; but he was one of those garrulous people -that require little encouragement, and the flood of his reminiscences -always poured forth again as freely as ever. - -We got along famously together--though I didn't know one word he -said--till we came opposite a tall church. Nodding patronisingly -towards this building he said, "Pracht van een Kerk", adding something -about a 'hooge toren'. - -Here I felt on solid ground,--I understood him thoroughly. My natural -wish to take an intelligent part in the conversation would be gratified -if only I could say something about that edifice; and, one of the fresh -idioms that I had recently acquired occurring to me, I promptly gave it -to him by way of reply: "Ja, prachtig; het is kolossaal mooi." - -This choice idiom I had got just the day before from a policeman. -We had been standing in front of a florist's window--the policeman -and I--admiring the tiny vases of lilies of the valley that were -displayed there, when I heard him murmur half to himself and half to me -"kolossaal mooi!" The combination so captivated my fancy that I added -it without delay to my working stock. - -The tram-conductor emphatically agreed with my criticism. "Kolossaal!" -he repeated. - -Thus encouraged I attempted to contribute something further to the -conversation, and catching sight of a lofty lightning-conductor, on -the church-steeple, I tried to draw his attention to it by an easy -grammatical remark. - -The word 'lightning-conductor' did not seem to present difficulties. - -'Lightning' of course I remembered, though I ought to have forgotten it -long ago. No doubt it was to be approached with caution; but as this -was a matter of pure science I felt tolerably safe. As for 'conductor', -there could be little doubt as as to the way to render that, for -'conducteur' was stamped on the tram-man's buttons, and had been -staring me in the face for the last half-hour. Those buttons were as -good as a dictionary. - -Putting together then the component parts of 'lightning-conductor,' I -hazarded a bold guess, and waving my hand towards the steeple I said -cordially, "Ja, de toren is mooi--kolossaal mooi. Gunst; ja.--Zoo is -ook die bliksem-conducteur! Vind U niet?" - -Well, he stopped as if I had struck him; his face got fiery red, and he -walked away without a word! - -What had I done? There was no denying something had gone wrong. -Evidently the man was choking with rage, and he didn't as much as -glance at me for the rest of the journey. - -That same afternoon I reported the affair to Enderby, who grew quite -gruff and crusty before I had finished the narration. - -"Didn't I warn you", he grumbled, "against those horrid expressions -that you seem so fond of? You must really take care, O'Neill,--or I -won't speak to you as long as you stay in Holland." - -It was useless to assure him that I had referred to the -'lightning-conductor' merely in its permissible and scientific sense. -He would listen to no explanations. "You simply can't imagine how -shocking all that talk of yours sounds, or you wouldn't attempt to -justify your vulgarity." - -"Begging your lordship's pardon", I retorted ironically, "for all my -unseemly conduct, may I enquire humbly what the dignified term is? -_Onweersconducteur_, perhaps? Or _weerlichtsconducteur_?" - -"Nonsense!" he almost shouted. "The thing's quite -easy--'_bliksemafleider_'." - -"Aha," I could not help retorting, "you see after all you are in the -wrong. You warned me against _lightning_--quite needlessly, you now -admit--but you never said a syllable about that really dangerous word -_conductor_." - -But to return to my trip that lovely morning. The tram duly reached -'Simplex', and the conductor was unfeignedly relieved to see me alight. - -It was perfect weather, and my annoyances were soon forgotten. There -was such a shimmer and haze and play of light over the wide landscape -as I have seen only in Holland. - -I was delighted. Such a scene is an inspiration. It makes one wish -to be a painter or a poet or something. Subtle and delicate shades -varied the long stretches of green meadow; clumps of trees, church -towers, tiny red-roofed villages dotted the landscape; while here and -there as far as the eye could reach, wide canals--the very pictures of -tranquillity--reflected the great white clouds sailing overhead. - -"Splendid, splendid!" I exclaimed to myself. And charming indeed did my -ramble prove to be. - -But the day was hot, and I was glad at last about eleven o'clock to -come to a good-sized tea-garden over the entrance to which stood in -conspicuous letters, "_Uitspanning_." Here was cool shade under broad -trees; and here were innumerable little tables at which a number of -people were seated, laughing and chattering and lunching pleasantly, -while little children, some of them not more than three years old, kept -running about and playing games. And all these tiny tots, too, were -talking Dutch, happily and unconcerned, tossing about in childish glee -and with incredible ease, onbepaalde wijzen, verleden deelwoorden and -voorzetsels, not to speak of het and hen and hun and je. - -On entering this popular resort and looking round I was addressed by a -breathless waiter laden with plates. "Waar wou mynheer zitten?" - -The shade was deepest under a noble elm, where at this instant I -spied an unoccupied seat close to the wooden paling that skirted the -enclosure. I didn't know what 'paling' was, but I chanced it, as there -was no time for the dictionary. "Naast de paling," I said, "als 't U -blieft." - -The impatient waiter nearly dropped his tray, but recovering himself -he vanished, and I took the seat myself. Another kellner appeared,--a -slow grave man in whose district was situated the attractive nook I -had been fortunate enough to secure. The day was broiling hot, as I -told you, and I thought I couldn't do better than begin with a little -lemon-squash. - -I could have wished to study up my part a little; but as the slow -dignitary was already waiting, I asked for a "limoen en een glas -water." Having greeted my remark twice with "blief?" he drew himself up -and enquired if I wanted 'liemonade.' - -"Geen kwestie van," I said, hauling out of my pocket the little fat -dictionary, that faithful companion of my wanderings. "Wacht even!" I -hurriedly turned up "squash"; for on the analogy of meloen I assumed -that 'lemoen' was all right for lemon. The verb squash was _moezen_; -the noun _moes_. This latter I chose, preferring the beverage -ready-made, if possible. - -"Ja, kellner"--I said, "nu weet ik het al. Breng mij limoenmoes." - -He raised his eyebrows and said: "Bedoelt mijnheer soms appelmoes?" - -Apple squash? That seemed rather a good idea. It sounded like cider or -apple-lemonade. - -"Ja, best," I said; "breng mij een glas appelmoes, maar niet te sterk." - -When he was gone to draw some of this mysterious beverage, who should -turn up but Enderby? He had been motoring; and was coming back from -Amsterdam when some pinion had given way, and he had to stop at the -Uitspanning for repairs. He came up to me and sat down saying: "Well, -O'Neill, you're a long way from home; how did you get here? What are -you taking this hot weather?" - -"Indeed," said I, "I don't exactly know. It's apple-squash, or rather a -sort of apple lemonade,--cider, I believe." - -"Ah," said he with surprise, "you talked English, I suppose?" - -"Not at all,--not a word. I never speak English now. It was all Dutch." - -"Then I tell you, you _have_ made progress with the language! For here -have I been in Holland for fifteen years, and I never even heard of -apple lemonade yet. To tell you the truth, I should not know how to ask -for it. My boy, I congratulate you on your linguistic enterprise!" - -The waiter reappeared just then, and Enderby interposed, "Mynheer heeft -iets besteld, nietwaar? Wat is dat voor een drankje? Geen limonade?" - -"Nee, menheer", said the waiter in a complaining tone, "volstrekt -niet, mynheer is wat vreemd, ziet u; want," and here his voice sank to -a horrified whisper, "menheer eet meloen met appelmoes!" - -Enderby looked at me in speechless astonishment; while the waiter -murmured, perhaps as a further suggestion of guilt on my part: "We -hebbe geen paling!" - -Matters had got so involved that I could not explain anything to him; -except to say that I had started with the intention of cooling my -thirst with lemon squash. - -He was inclined to be huffy once more. "There you are at it again! Look -here now; do take some care about what you say. I'll get that drink for -you this time; and, for any sake if you want 'kwast' again, don't say -appelmoes. Indeed I strongly advise you to stick to English, or you -will get into worse trouble yet." - -Enderby went off in high dudgeon, and I took a long ramble under the -trees. It was not long till I shook off the effects of my grammatical -skirmishes and began to enjoy the day to the full. - -In point of fact I made several sketches, and returning in a couple of -hours had luncheon successfully. That was comparatively easy. I had -merely to say, "Koffie!--Kaas!"--and the meal was ready. - -Being by this time a trifle tired, I conceived the idea of driving -back to the Hague, for it seemed too far to walk. In this design I was -encouraged by the presence of a considerable number of vehicles with -horses, standing about. - -On examining my dictionary to get the Dutch idiom for 'drive home' I -discovered three curious translations for drive: 'rijden', 'drijven' -(used, I was informed, of ice) and 'jagen.' - -Now seeing that 'rijden', meant 'to ride', and 'jagen,' to 'hunt,' and -the other word was restricted to icebergs, there really appeared to be -a lack of the precise term I needed. - -Obliged thus to circumscribe my meaning, I rapped on my green table and -enquired, "Kellner, kan ik een paard hebben?" - -The waiter mumbled inarticulately, coughed apologetically, and vanished -like a shadow. - -Presently he came back with a red-faced man who seemed to be the -proprietor of the Uitspanning. What I wanted to say was, "Have you a -horse disengaged to drive me to the Hague!" but owing to the defective -character of the Dutch vocabulary this could not be said directly, and -I was obliged to go round the point. - -I went round it thus: "Mag ik beleefd vragen, Mynheer, heeft U paarden -beschikbaar om my te dragen?" - -This sounded diplomatic and neat, and was certainly clear; but the -apoplectic proprietor looked askance. - -He paused and endeavoured to transfix me with his beady eyes and read -my inmost consciousness. This being impossible, he condescended to the -gruff question: "Wou meneer een peerd koope?" - -"Koopen?" I replied in astonishment, "oh niet koopen! Gunst! -ashjeblieft niet." - -"Raie dan?" was his brusque reply. - -"Rijen, graag," I agreed; "gaarne rijden; maar--ik ben niet in staat -het paard terug te zenden. En ... en ik heb geen ruimte in mijn kamers -voor een paard." - -"Wat dan?" said he rudely, with a kind of a dull glare in his black -eyes. - -I was getting into deep water--there was no use blinking the fact--and -here was this dreadful man growing more enraged and suspicious every -moment. Perhaps after all I could make something of those three -doubtful dictionary words. "Kan u niet," I asked with some asperity, -"kan oe niet, mijnheer, mij laten jagen naar den Haag?" - -"O, he!" exclaimed my interlocutor with a sudden access of interest and -a kind of wrinkle distantly resembling a smile. "Gaat mijnheer op de -jacht?" - -Dear me, this is _too_ bad, I thought, for I saw people watching me -with a curious air of disapproval, and a good many more approaching. -Really I regretted I had not walked to the Hague. - -But I was in for it now, and with all the sternness I could command I -explained sententiously, "Ik wensch een paard!--Om mij te trekken--in -een rijtuig--naar den Haag, Ferdinand Bolstraat 66a." - -My horsey friend took a step nearer, his face ominously darkening and -the fierce eyes flashing fire. "Wat wou menheer eigenlijk? rijtuig -huren? of perd koope!--of raie naar de stad?--of op de jacht gaan?--of -onzin praote?" - -I was at my wit's end and deemed it wise to retire as soon as possible -from the conversation. This I tried to do by means of that agreeable -little triplet that had hitherto proved so useful to me. - -"Och kom!" I said with a pleasant smile, "'t Geeft niets; het hindert -niet; het komt er niet op aan." - -He was unappeased, however. So by way of friendly deprecation I added: -"Laa maar! Schei er uit.--He! zanik nou niet!" - -This did not appreciably mend matters, I assure you.--At every sentence -I uttered his face grew more purple--and I was intensely relieved when -at that moment one of the interested bye-standers ran up hurriedly, -whip in hand, and touching his cap exclaimed: "Drive you to the Hague, -Sir?"--It was a cabdriver who spoke English! - -Oh! I could have embraced that man! - -"Yes," said I with effusion, "Yes, at once, please!--as quick as ever -you can!" - -I jumped up on his vehicle and, as the vendor of peerden was still -hovering unpleasantly near, I ventured on one of those despised -French verbs--it was the only thing I could think of--to construct an -effective phrase for my exit. - -"Mynheer Uitspanning!" I said waving him adieu, "ik zal U niet verder -derangeeren!--Vaarwel!" - -Good-bye at last! There was a faint cheer from the score or two of -spectators, but no response from my late tormentor. - -What a relief to get away from the intricacies of that dreadful -cross-examination! - -I was flurried and worn, and did not quite recover my equanimity or -feel properly cooled down till I was safely ensconced in my rooms in -Ferdinand Bolstraat 66a. - - - - -CHAPTER IX. - -THE QUEST OF MIJNHEER HIERNAAST. - -MIJNHEER HIERNAAST.--A WELL-KNOWN MAN.--THE OPENBARE -MACHT.--WOUJEME?--VOOR DEN HEKHOUDER.--MAAR--WAAR WOONT HIJ?--BREATHE -NOT HIS NAME.--EASY WHEN YOU KNOW IT. - - -On settling down in my rooms, I was reminded of my social duties by -seeing a card from young Van der Leeuwen whom I had known at Trinity, -where he had studied a year. - -Van der Leeuwen had called upon me more than once and had invited me to -his home. Up to this time I had not seen him since I came to the Hague. - -To-day he had scribbled on a visiting card 'Leaving town soon for -Arnhem.' This showed me that his friendly visit should be returned as -soon as possible: so early next afternoon I journeyed across the city -to see him. - -I found however that the house was shut up. The blinds were down and -the whole place hermetically sealed, so to speak. - -On the door there was a singular notice, freshly pasted, which at once -arrested my attention and which I copied into my notebook. - - "_Afwezig._ - - _Brieven en boodschappen - te bezorgen bij - Mijnheer Hiernaast._" - -Unhappily I had left my faithful companion, the dictionary, at home. I -was thus obliged to fall back upon my stock of Dutch learning and guess -what I did not know. - -'Boodschappen' and 'bezorgen' were new words to me, but I seemed to -gather the general sense of the placard. If anybody wanted to see my -friend van der Leeuwen, or communicate with him, he appeared to be -invited to do so through the medium of a gentleman called "Hiernaast." -The curious thing was--no address was given to indicate whereabouts Mr. -Hiernaast lived. - -Now this was very puzzling; for just that morning I had been shown how -particular you must be in Holland about addresses. As I had not given -word to the authorities when I moved from the hotel to my lodgings, I -had been summoned to the "Bevolkingsregisterbureau," and had to display -my "Geboorteacte." - -Innumerable details had been asked of me about my name and initials -and about my parents' names and initials,--some of which I could not -satisfactorily write out. - -The functionaries at the office, too, had appeared unnecessarily -amused when I told them that I lodged in Ferdinand Bolstraat above -a tinsmith's. On thinking it over afterwards I admit that perhaps I -had mixed the word tinsmith with lightning conductor. I was naturally -anxious to avoid the latter scientific term as much as possible; and my -over anxiety probably defeated itself. - -At all events I was told at the Bureau that it was quite a serious -offence--a sort of mild treason--to move from my hotel to lodgings -without giving full information about the whole matter to the civic -dignitaries. - -Now, as everybody was so particular about addresses, I knew that van -der Leeuwen had more respect for the laws of his country than to be -guilty of intentional carelessness; and I was sure he would not try -to defy the state by pasting upon his door anything of the nature of -mockery. The notice _did_ look like this: "Out of town. If you want to -see me, go to Jericho;" but my friend would hardly have meant _that_. - -I concluded therefore that Mr. Hiernaast's address was known to -everybody that read the notice, and that Mr. Hiernaast was some -prominent person like the Burgomaster or the Town-clerk. - -Perhaps he would be an official who kindly looked after people's -letters when they were out of town. If so, a policeman would know all -about him. There was one passing at the moment, so I determined to -accost him and get what information I could. - -Now Enderby and others had instructed me about policemen. You must -never say "Mijnheer" to a policeman; he doesn't like it, for he thinks -you are making game of him. That's where I had made the mistake before, -in the Hague wood. I learnt that his proper title is '_politieagent_' -or '_agent_'; the newspapers call him '_openbare macht_'. If he comes -from Amsterdam he will answer readily to _klabak_ or _smeeris_, though -he may prefer a more dignified title. He is known to the mob as a -'_diender_', but this is rather vulgar. - -Naturally I wished to avoid the vulgar word and use a respectful term; -so stopping him I said, "Openbare Macht, verschoon mij,--zult gij mij -toestaan om U beleefd te verzoeken,--waar woont mijnheer Hiernaast?" - -I guessed what he would do, and he did it. He stared at me for about -half a minute and then said, "Wah blief!" - -"Oh," I responded, "duizendmaal vergiffenis, dat ik op...." And then I -stopped _just in time_, for it was on my tongue to finish the polite -sentence as I had repeated it so often from the conversation book--"dat -ik op Uwen teen getrapt heb." - -It was well I didn't, for it didn't fit in at all accurately with the -situation. So I said, "Kijk nou is!" - -"Mag ik zoo vrij zijn, Klabak?" I murmured courteously, showing him my -copy of the placard on the door, "Mijnheer Hiernaast--ziet u--_waar_ -woont _hij_?" - -Well, he couldn't have been more astonished if had reached him a -lighted bombshell. - -Instead of meeting me with that ready sympathy I had been reckoning -upon, he was quite stiff. I however persisted courteously with my -question, "Ja, Openbare! wat zegt U, Smeeris? Woont mijnheer Hiernaast -in deze straat?" - -Well, he wasn't a bit polite; or if he was, he must have been -singularly deficient in charm of manner, for he stared quite insolently -at me and grumbled, "Woujeme voor de gek houe?" - -Woujeme, gekhoue? Didn't I know some of those words? - -On considering this utterance of his I seemed to recognise "_woujeme_" -as an old friend. Wasn't that the introductory particle that was not in -the dictionary and which resembled the Latin 'nonne'? Then 'gek' was -remarkably like 'hek', which I knew to be 'gate'. - -The landlady had always been talking about the 'hek' being open,--a -state of affairs which she strongly objected to, because dogs were in -the habit of strolling in and looking rudely at her through the kitchen -window. - -Now I knew that it would be the easiest thing in life for 'gek' to be -mistaken for 'hek'. - -London policemen often drop h's in one place and put them in at -another. Why shouldn't a Hague policeman do something similar? You -could hardly expect a policeman to speak the language with absolute -accuracy. - -So 'gek houwe' would probably be a common provincialism for 'hek -houden'. And I could easily guess, on the analogy of 'stalhouwer', what -hekhouwer' would mean. It would be, no doubt, a 'man that made and sold -gates'. '_Voor den gekhouwe(r)_' would then be, as nearly as possible, -the idiom for 'in front of the gate factory.' - -There was no gate factory in sight, so I continued pleasantly -making further enquiries of the policeman: "Voor den gekhouwer?--ja -zeker! asjeblieft! Maar--zoudt gy zoo goed willen zijn--mij mede te -deelen,--waar _woont_ die gekhouder? Woont hij _in deze straat_? De -gekkefabriek--waar is dat?" - -I really pitied him, he looked so overwhelmed. Then he did something -wonderful that stayed all further parley. He turned his head away, -spread out both white-gloved hands, raised his shoulders slowly till -they were well up over his ears, then slowly let them down again to -their normal and natural position,--and all this without glancing at me. - -It was an awe-inspiring spectacle,--apparently some kind of military -drill to repel idle questions. I could only utter "'t Geeft niets--'t -hindert niet--het komt er niet op aan! Doe geen moeite, Smeeris!" But -he turned upon his heel and walked away without even saying 'Vaarwel'! - -Alas, I had failed again! I had displeased the Openbare Macht and had -not got a hint as to the address of the official receiver of letters. - -All this was more than usually mysterious, so I tried to extract some -information from the landlady that evening. - -"Waar woont Mijnheer Hiernaast?" I said to her casually after dinner. - -"Hiernaast, mijnheer," she replied with strong emphasis on the _naast_. - -"Oh I don't mind putting the accent on the final," I murmured to -myself. "Goed. Best.--Dan, waar _woont_ Mijnheer Hiernaast?" - -"Hiernaast," she repeated, pointing through the wall! - -Had the good woman lost her senses? Or was she trying to make fun of -me? In either case I did not quite care to prolong the conversation. -"Lamaar", I interjected, "het heeft niets te beduiden--schei er -uit,--zanik nou niet". And I must say that effectually stopped her. - -The mystery was solved that same evening by Enderby, who dropped in -about half past ten. - -We talked over a number of things and, as Enderby was quite himself -again after our little tiff at the 'Uitspanning', I just said, "Do you -happen to know of the _Hiernaasts_ in the Hague?" - -"People called Hiernaast", I explained, as he seemed not to catch -my meaning. "They appear to be rather well-known. The father I think -is a Government Official--a member of the Tweede-Kamer, I imagine, -or something of that sort. I'm told he lives opposite a large -gate-factory. The queer thing about the family is that, if you ask -about them, everybody gives you a silly answer. - -"Is he not in society, or what? Is his name like the word for -lightning? May I not refer to him?" - -"O'Neill", exclaimed Enderby, rising suddenly off his seat, "you are -surely not quite well!" - -"What is it?" he said, "were you out long in the sun? That _appelmoes_ -must have gone to your head! Tell me all that happened to you." - -I told him the whole day's adventures; and then I learnt that Mijnheer -Hiernaast is--not necessarily an Official of the Government or a member -of the Tweede Kamer; indeed that he is no particular person at all; -but--_just the gentleman who lives next door to you, wherever you -happen to be_. - -Well; that's easy enough, when you know it. But when you don't, what -are you to do? - - - - -CHAPTER X. - -THE PARCEL POST. - -FILL IN THESE PAPERS.--SEALING-WAX.--NOT RIGHT YET.--READ IT -BACKWARDS.--CAN I NEVER SEND OFF THIS PARCEL?--A LONG CUE.--ALLEMAAL -ZEGELS.--ART CRITICISM REJECTED.--OF NO VALUE.--MONSTER ZONDER -WAARDE.--A FLATTERING ADDRESS.--IS CHIVALRY DEAD? - - -You will remember that the day I was at Simplex I took some sketches. -Well, I bundled these up along with some really exquisite water-colours -that I purchased at an art-shop, and I sent them to Ireland. - -Yes, I bought these pictures without pain. The vendor of these objects -of art spoke perfect English; it was a delight to hear him. So pleased -was I with my purchases, that I hastened home, there and then, and -adding my own artistic treasures, made a little square package of it -all for my aunt Rebecca in Connemara, Killery Bay,--a place renowned -for its beautiful sunsets and splendid salmon. - -My aunt is artistic--she herself used to draw when she was young--and -I knew that nothing would please her better, as a present from Holland, -than a number of carefully chosen water-colours. - -Glowing with affectionate enthusiasm at the prospect of giving my aunt -so agreeable a surprise, I made my way to the post-office and tried to -send off my package. - -An obliging official addressed me in English. - -"Oh, then", he said glancing at the address and weighing my bundle -in his hand, "this will cost you about six guilders if it goes as a -letter, but, if it is a book it will cost you two guilders and a half. -But as it appears to be neither a book nor a letter, I should advise -you to send it by 'pakketpost'; the cost will be under a guilder. -Please fill in these papers." And he reached me a dark red paper and -a flimsy white one both of which were dotted all over with Dutch and -French hard words with spaces after them to be filled in. - -I retired to a little desk and did my best,--stating that I, Jack -O'Neill, aged so and so, sent one brown package of expensive -water-colour pictures, some pencil-sketches and one pen-and-ink -drawing, value unknown, to Miss Rebecca Fitzgerald O'Neill, (zonder -beroep), Warlin Castle Killery Bay, Ireland, on the 21st of Aug., -19--. I added some other things here and there in the columns and gave -this report to the official. "Not in order," he said politely, "you -must put stamps on the package, with wax." - -"Stamps," he added, touching it all round, "sealed with sealing wax." - -"Oh, indeed!" I said. "Sorry to give you so much trouble. Many thanks!" -And I carried my bundle to a neighbouring stationer's. - -The stationer was not at home, and his temporary assistant was a youth -that did not know English; but I borrowed an Engelsch-Hollandsch -WoordenBoek from him and instituted a search for _wax_. After some -little trouble occasioned by the words 'was' and 'honigraat', I settled -down comfortably on the word 'lak'; and then the stationer's boy and -I got on quite nicely together. He helped me most willingly, and made -all sorts of suggestions. We secured a candle and constructed two great -seals, of red wax, as if was for the Lord Chancellor; and I returned to -the Post-Office triumphant. - -There was a new 'ambtenaar' on duty, the English-speaking one having -apparently gone to luncheon. - -"Mag ik beleefd verzoeken?" I said; "Zeker in orde?" - -"Nee mijnheer", he replied "volstrekt niet in orde! Er moeten vijf -zegels op zijn--vijf." - -The bundle seemed safe enough to go half round the world! But he knew -the rules; and I submitted accordingly, went back to the stationer and -put five more seals on the packet, thus making the number seven in all. - -On presenting my carefully prepared 'pakje' in the post-office I felt -confident enough that it was right. "Nu, mijnheer, het is zeker klaar?" - -The functionary was also disposed to think that all was as it ought to -be and seemed at first to be satisfied. - -He nodded approval; and gave me a friendly official smile; but -suddenly--as he was laying the curious object aside--his eye caught the -seal I had used, and his face fell. The seal was a very simple affair, -having been impressed from the back of a guilder--a beautiful new -specimen that I was reserving for show when I should return to Trinity. - -"Nee, mijnheer", he said sharply. "Heelemaal niet goed! Het moet een -werkelijk zegel zijn--met letters--Uw naam!" And he drew imaginary -initials on the blotting-paper with his thumb. - -"Neen maar!--Mijnheer!" I exclaimed. - -Words failed to come to my relief. I could think of nothing to say -but "_Gunst!_" and in the circumstances this sounded too like a curse -to venture upon. Presently however I recalled something under cover -of which I could retire: "Het spijt mij erg--ik ben verbaasd--dank u -vriendlijk." - -I went away sincerely regretting that I had begun this business at all. -Fortunately when I hunted up the stationer once more, the man himself -was at home; and after infinite rummaging in remote drawers he got me a -seal with the letters N. J.,--which was a trifle like Jack O'Neill, if -you read it backwards. - -As that was the nearest approach I could get to my initials, and as no -time was to be lost, we melted down another stick of red sealing-wax, -and stamped the package over with seven gigantic seals, N. J. - -I put on _seven_, though the official only demanded five, for I had an -undefined fear that something would be wrong again. Meantime the 'get -up' of the parcel was growing more impressive and unusual. The effect -of the big letters of the seal was specially fine, the red bundle now -looking as if it were bound for New Jersey. - -Then in fear and trembling I made for the post-office again. - -My tormentor appeared to be appeased. Ah yes, at last the letters were -all right. - -"Uitstekend, mijnheer," he said. And he quite beamed upon me. - -"Nu de formulieren, asjeblieft." - -Oh, the papers, of course! I had quite forgotten about them by this -time. Fortunately I hadn't lost them; so I handed him both documents. -He took them up, smiling benignly on the foreigner who had managed -to surmount so many obstacles; but alas! his satisfaction--and mine -too--were of short duration. He frowned impatiently at the brown paper. -"Nee, mijnheer," he growled; "niet goed!" And he pushed papers and -package and all to me, as if he was mortally offended. - -"He, mijnheer!" I ejaculated--"Hoe is dat? Kom toch! Wat is niet goed?" - -"Geen zegel! geen zegel!" he thundered magisterially, with a -contemptuous toss of the brown _formulier_ in my direction. Like a -shot he turned to a schoolboy of fourteen at my elbow, (who had -meantime been studying my writings and reading them audibly to his -companions)--"En U?" he enquired. - -I felt dismissed, if not disgraced! And no investigation of my -belongings could throw any light on my blunder. The brown manuscript -was at fault I knew; so, as the best thing possible I entered a solemn -declaration, opposite the hiernevens, "_een pakje met 7 zegels_", -and booked the same remark on a convenient spot on the white paper. -This done, I returned to the charge promptly, but with much inward -apprehension. The cue of people pushing forward to buy stamps and send -things away and generally to transact business, had grown to a long -line nearly to the door. Humbly I took my place at the end of the file, -about twenty minutes off the ambtenaar. It wasn't quite twenty minutes, -but it felt longer; for every now and then the ambtenaar glanced up, -when he had served a customer, and his eye invariably fell on me. -It was a long-drawn-out agony, that approach to the _loket_, under -official inspection, so to speak; and I had plenty of time to register -a silent bet with myself that the authorities were not done with me. -They'd be sure to give me another journey to the stationer's. - -And so they did! Without deigning to look at my official guarantee -about the 7 _zegels_ the Postal Radamanthus began with vitriolic -self-restraint: "Ik--heb--U--gezegd. Er--moet--een zegel--op." - -"Oh mynheer!" I burst out in hot indignation, "Hoe _kunt_ U dat zeggen? -Kijk! Het is allemaal zegels!" And indeed the parcel was almost -completely coated with wax. - -A spasm passed over his face, and he controlled himself by a severe -effort. "Ik--heb--U--al--meer maal--gezegd"--His voice rose higher and -higher, and he bit off the words as if they were poison. "Hier moet de -afdruk van het zegel komen.--Hierr!" And he waved a white hand over the -coloured _formulier_ and finally dropped his thumb, like a pancake, -over a lozenge-shaped diagram filled with Dutch and French words. -"Hier!!" - -Ah yes! Just so. Now I saw what was wanted, and I departed speechlessly -to the sealing-wax-shop again. - -By this time I was quite domesticated there: so I took a good rest and -then put on a formidable seal on the lozenge. In half an hour I was -back again on the premises of Rhadamanthus, at the end of another -cue, wondering if I could reach the _loket_ before it would be closed -for the day. You see all that marching to and fro, and arguing with -officials, and cooking sealing-wax, and waiting your turn in a crowd, -swallows up an immensity of time. - -At last I was before the little window and handed in the documents. -"Ja, ja. De zegel is in orde!" - -"_In orde_, mijnheer!" he added with a cherubic smile. "Best." -"Maar--maar wat hebben we hier?" he muttered as he perused my -other remarks on the papers. He appeared somewhat nonplussed by my -_opmerkingen_ as to the contents of package, and ran his pen through -all my art criticisms; then suddenly said roughly. "Heet U Rebecca -O'Neill?" - -This was so unexpected a query that it threw me off my guard and I -answered in English. - -"Do I hate her? Oh no. On the contrary, I am sincerely attached to her. -But why do you ask?" - -He said "Exkuseer" and called another ambtenaar--one who talked -English. This new functionary opened fire at once, "Sir, is your name -Rebecca O'Neill?" - -"Bless my heart", I said; "Not at all. That's my aunt." - -"In that case, sir, you have sent the package to yourself, and filled -in the declarations all wrongly". - -"Is there _no_ way," I said in despair, "to send this thing off? I have -been all morning labouring at it, and I can't get rid of it. Would you -mind accepting it as a gift--just a little friendly gift, you know, as -a token of my appreciation of the post-office arrangements? Or would -there be any objection to my leaving it here lying on your desk? It's -quite harmless; perhaps even elegant--that depends on taste--but I -don't care for it any more! It's no further use to me. Will you have -it?" - -"Oh he! you mean it is of no value?" - -"No value--not the least", I said, glad to see a chance of disposing of -it. - -"Then you can send it off as, well--what we call--_Monster zonder -waarde_--monster--monster--I remember not your English word?" - -"Oh," said I, "it is all right as it is. You don't need it translated. -'Monster' is quite good English--and very expressive." - -"Then," said he; "that is it--_Worthless Monster_. _That_ must you -write--on the package. Then will it cost you a dubbeltje; and it will -go off at once. No wax will be needed, and no papers. No trouble of any -kind." - -"I am delighted with your kindness," said I to him. "You have relieved -my mind." - -"Will you put the name on it now?" he enquired courteously, reaching -me his own pen from behind his ear. "Please write legibly the English -declaration. I shall do the Dutch for you. It must be plain." - -"If you don't mind," I said, "as you are so kind, might I ask you just -to write both English and Dutch?" - -A glance had shown me that these curious words would have to come -uncomfortably near my aunt's name; and as my aunt is rather a -particular old lady with very definite notions about her own dignity, -I judged it prudent that this title of distinction with which she was -going to be invested should be drawn up in other handwriting than her -nephew's. She had a hawk's eye and could detect every scratch I made -with the pen. - -"If it's not too much trouble, please put the whole declaration on it -yourself. You'll find a place here", I said, turning over the unsightly -object. "There's a little room left here, I think--just beside the -address". - -He looked it all over. It was quite true. The parcel was all a mass of -red wax and "N. J.'s" except round about the address, where we had -kept the wax well off it for fear of infringing some other regulation. - -"English first!" he said, making use of the vacant space. - -And in Roman letters just after my aunt's name he boldly penned the -mystic words, first in English, and then, in brackets, in Dutch. This -is how it ran: - - TO MISS REBECCA FITZGERALD O'NEILL, - - =Worthless Monster (zonder waarde),= - - WARLIN CASTLE, - - KILLERY BAY - - IRELAND CONNEMARA. - -After that I wouldn't touch the parcel. - -I declined all further responsibility in connection with it; and, -leaving it with him, retired, as from a good day's work. - -As I knew my aunt, I felt sure she would appreciate the delicate -compliment implied by the proximity of the postal notice to her name. - -This indeed proved the case, when I visited her later in the autumn. I -draw a veil over our interview; but happily my aunt is fond of a joke, -and when I told her my adventures of that morning, she laughed as she -had not done for years, until I flattered myself she had forgotten the -queer declaration on her package. - -At the end, however, she suddenly drew herself up and, raising a -reproving finger, said, "Well, it wasn't _your_ writing! or I shouldn't -let you off so easily, Jack. But what kind of a functionary was that, -now, who would dare, in your presence, to insult your aunt?" - -"In my young days a lad of spirit would have _called out_ a villain -like that,--yes, or a fellow that ventured on the twentieth part of -such an atrocity!" - -"Jack, Jack, where's your chivalry?" - -"Calm yourself, my dear aunt," I retorted. "Its only that you don't -catch the niceties of a translation. But you'll pick that up soon -enough if you go over with me to the Hague next year." - -"_Never_", said my aunt firmly. - - - - -CHAPTER XI. - -A SUCCESSFUL INTERVIEW. - -KEEP THE CONVERSATION TO YOURSELF.--A LITERARY FORTRESS.--AN ASTONISHED -OFFICIAL.--WAT GEBRUIKT U?--IK BID U WELKOM.--NONSENSE LET LOOSE.--A -LINGUISTIC VICTORY.--HOUD UWEN BEK.--STILL MUCH ADMIRED. - - -"You must not suppose," said O'Neill, after I had expressed my -commiseration, "that I was always unsuccessful in my conversations -and business transactions. On the contrary I have sometimes surprised -myself and everybody else by the (shall I say?) aptness and readiness -of my utterance--not to speak of its delicacy and point. - -You smile? But listen. - -This was certainly the case one day when I had an interview with an -elegant young man who came to me from the Bevolkings Register Bureau. - -That is the place where the authorities give themselves so much -needless trouble about your address and initials, and where I had -broken the law of the land by mixing up the tinsmith with the -lightning-conductor. - -Well a representative of this Departement of State called upon me two -days running, when I was out. The last time he came he left word that -he would return next morning at 10.30 sharp; and would I please give -him an interview? - -I thought it wise to do so. - -That unhappy blunder of mine might get me into trouble. Perhaps the -officials of the Bevolkings office were going to prosecute me for -conspiring to deceive the government. At all events I would be at home -at 10.30; and, more than that, I would be ready for my visitor when he -came. - -I rose about six, and prepared for the proposed conversation as a -barrister prepares his brief. - -As the man who talks most has generally the situation in his own hand, -I determined to keep the greater part of the conversation to myself. -All the likely sentences that could possibly be of avail I copied out -of the phrase-book on a sheet of foolscap. Some new expressions and -idioms were added, and committed as thoroughly as possible to memory. - -And, by the way, I made use of a fresh discovery--a number of -_algemeene opmerkingen_ from the end of the grammar. - -These were on the same lines as the material in the phrase-book, but -much more learned. They were for advanced students (I was rather -advanced now, so to speak,) and they had a distinct literary and -scientific flavour. I went over all these, aloud--my old and favourite -plan--so as to gain fluency and facility in uttering them. - -Furthermore, not being able to trust my memory absolutely--there was a -lot of new stuff to be mastered, you see,--I hit upon a plan to lead -the conversation and keep it upon topics of my own choosing. - -My strategem was of uncommon simplicity, but admirably effective for -all that. - -On my table I erected a kind of informal reading-desk composed of books -and magazines; then in a hollow of this edifice, out of sight, I placed -my manuscript notes where they could easily catch my eye. Two chairs I -set carefully in position--one for myself beside my fortress, the other -for my visitor in the middle of the room in a good clear light. - -Then I awaited results. - -At half past ten o'clock sharp there came a ring to the hall-door; -and, ushered by the obsequious landlady, in walked a young fellow -fashionably dressed, with languid manners and a general air being bored -with life. He carried a portfolio gracefully under his arm. - -Without waiting for him to begin, I went up to him the moment he -entered, and shook him cordially by the hand, I relieved him of his -umbrella--he had one though the weather was fine; and as his other hand -was thus partially released, I shook it with no less heartiness. - -"Blijdschap, mijnheer!" I began, "Blijdschap en vreugde! Het verblijdt -mij zeer--U te ontmoeten! Mag ik U verzoeken Uw jas af te zetten. Wat? -Nee?" - -As the day was burning hot and he wore no overcoat, I didn't insist -upon this. - -"Zij het zoo, myn waarde!--Neem een stoel," I continued. "Ga zitten, ik -bid U. Het is aangenaam weer.--Volstrekt niet koud--neen--niet koud." - -This was well within the mark, for it was 89 deg. in the shade. - -My Dutch seemed to surprise him for he said feebly "Dag--Sir--Yes--I -mean--O ja." - -I saw he was just the kind of young man that I could have a pleasant -talk with. But it was now time I got back to my notes. Before sitting -down however, I asked to take charge of his hat. - -"Handig mij Uw hoed over!" I said, reaching for it. When he hesitated, -I put him at his ease with an "alstjeblieft; toe dan! toe!" - -Though there was an interval of a second or two whilst I was getting -behind my barricade he was too astonished to utter a sound, either in -Dutch or in English. I perceived my advantage and intended to keep it. - -"Mag ik u iets aanbieden?" I said with a wave of the hand, throwing in -some nonsense out the grammar. - -"Wat gebruikt U?--ah--hm--Een--_voorzetsel_, bijvoorbeeld?--of--de -gebiedende wijs--of--een bijvoeglijk naamwoord? Wat--niets?" - -As he still said nothing, I pointed him to my cupboards, by happy -inspiration remembering the refrain of the vendor of eatables at one of -the stations, "Bierr, limonade, spuitwater?" adding--"Bitterkoekjes en -ijskoud bier; of--een amandel broodje?" - -It was well he didn't accept, for I had none of these dainties in the -house; but it sounded friendly to offer them. - -"Of," I put in, sinking my voice to a confidential whisper, "Spreekt U -liever over de Nieuwe Electrische Tramweg? Wel, dan.--Het publiek wordt -gewaarschuwd het personeel niet in gesprek te houden." - -Very faintly came the reply, as he moved restlessly on the edge of his -chair, "Mynheer, ik kwam niet om de Tramweg." - -"Neen?" I said. "Goed. Best. Ik neem het ook niet kwalijk, mijnheer! -ik bid U welkom!--Het doet mij genoegen, na al het ongunstige weer van -verleden week, U zoo goed en wel te zien." - -The weather had been quite hot; but this was one of the good phrases of -the book, and I stuck to it. - -All this appeared to increase his panic, and he glanced at the door -more than once as if he would like to make a bolt for safety. - -Now I was quite in my element, and from my palissade of books I could -hurl all sorts of irrelevant politenesses at him. - -"Ik verwelkom U oprechtelijk, mijnheer. U bezoek is mij oorzaak van -ongeveinsde blijdschap." - -Holding the portfolio clenched in both hands he stared at me as if he -was incapable of speech. - -This seemed a favourable opportunity for putting in an _algemeene -opmerking_, which I must say had all the effect of a round shot after -infantry fire. - -"Deugden en belooning gaan zelden te zamen," I murmured pleasantly, -with a friendly gesture of deprecation. Then in a second or two -afterwards I added,--leaving him to find out the connection as best he -might,--"Water bevriest op twee-en-dertig graden." - -The more outrageous the nonsense which I repeated from my notes, the -paler he got. - -He seemed to measure the distance between his seat and the door; but I -rose and walked about the room, repeating softly to myself such phrases -as I knew well, no matter what meaning they might have--"Lamaar! pas -op! niet pluis, hoor!--'t komt er niet op aan!" - -Some midges were buzzing about the room. I pointed to them saying -"akelige beesten, nie waar?" And making a sudden spring towards one -that was approaching his head I impaled it, or rather smashed it, in -the approved fashion between my hands. The fragments of the insect I -displayed to him on my palm adding triumphantly; "Dood als een pier." -He was ready to go. - -Laying at last a fatherly hand upon his shoulder I genially enquired, -"Vergun my te vragen, jongeling,--hoe is het--met uwe--achtenswaardige -ouders?" - -"O ja, mijnheer", he said in a breathless whisper. "Ja zeker, mijnheer. -Dank U zeer--Ik moet weg, sir. Ik heb belet--thuis--Ik moet weg--Ik zal -het U zenden."-- - -And he was gone! gone, too, without his hat! - -I was left master of the field. - -Ringing the bell, I rushed to the landing and called after him, -"Duizendmaal vergiffenis, Bevolkings Mijnheer!--Uw hoed!" - -But that hurried him only the more swiftly down those steep stairs; -and I was sincerely glad to observe that the landlady, like a good -goal-keeper, had stopped him at the door, where they entered into -earnest colloquy. - -I had won this conversational contest; and half my ammunition was not -yet expended! - -Eight polite sentences and about a dozen 'algemeene opmerkingen' -remained unused, besides two general topics--'boomkweekerij' and -Rembrandt. - -But what did he mean by 'Ik zal het U zenden?' What was it that he -meant to send? I devoutly hoped there would be no further difficulty -about my address, and was just trusting I had escaped, when the -landlady entered with the words, "Hij moet zijn hoed hebbe." Then, as -she took it in her hand, she added "Mijnheer zegt, dat het niet veilig -in huis is--niet veilig, zegt mijnheer!" - -"Hij vraagt ook wat de groote letter is voor O'Neill? Of het een J of -een I of een T of een F of een Y is, niemand op het kantoor kan het -uitmaken, Uw handschrift is zoo onduidelijk, zegt mijnheer." - -Relieved to see there was nothing worse, I went to some old copies of -the 'Nieuws van den Dag,' which were lying carefully folded up on the -side-table, and with a pair of scissors cut out a J from the word Juli, -pasted it hastily on a sheet of notepaper and wrote underneath it, 'Met -veel complimenten--en de groeten.' - -Yes; the interview was decidedly successful. - -Yet it pales before the fame I once got by a single sentence, just -outside de Beurs-station, in Rotterdam. - -I was pounced upon by an army of porters; they had seized me and my -bag, and were quarrelling loudly. I said "Hush" to the worst of them, -but one brawny rascal was inclined to be insolent, and I was put upon -my mettle. - -"Ik bid U--houd Uwen bek," I said--"anders,"--and here I glanced round -for a policeman, "anders--roep ik--de Openbare Macht." - -The man ran like a hare. - -I pride myself that there was dignity and firmness, courtesy and local -colour all in that one sentence. - -And I find that it is still much admired. - - - - -CHAPTER XII. - -DUTCH CORRESPONDENCE. - -DIERBARE HOOGEDELGESTRENGE.--HET BY MIJ EENE VISITE -AFLEGGEN.--VERTROUWELIJK OR WAARACHTIG.--THE FINISHED PRODUCT.--EENIGE -BEOORDEELINGEN - - -The gentleman from the Bevolkings Register Bureau had left his umbrella -behind him in his hurried departure that Thursday morning, so I sent -it back to him with a polite note. It would have been easy to write -the polite note in English, but that would never do. After my success -in carrying on a long conversation in Dutch I felt that a lapse into -English would be a confession of weakness. - -My reputation as a linguist could only be maintained by a real Dutch -letter. Now the phrase book gave but little light on the vast subject -of correspondence. Except a brief note acknowledging the arrival of a -ton of coals, and a still briefer note accepting, in the third person, -a formal invitation to dinner, there was nothing about letter-writing -in the volume. - -It was not easy to find any phrases out of these epistles suitable for -working in to my note about the umbrella. - -They were valuable as examples, merely for the general rhythm and -style, as it were, and then only to a slight extent. As my missive was -of a _genre_ quite distinct from these models, I felt justified in -composing it in my own way. - -I wrote the letter first in English; then set about translating it, as -elegantly as I could, into Dutch. - -Here is the English--quite friendly, you see. - - _Dear Sir_, - - _As you left your umbrella behind on Thursday morning when you did me - the honour to call, I beg to send it to you by bearer, in the hope - that it may reach you safely without delay._ - - _Trusting that its absence may have occasioned you no inconvenience, - I remain, dear sir,_ - - _Very truly yours - Jack O'Neill._ - -As a beginning, the phrase-book gave Hooggeachte Heer and -Hoogedelgestrenge Heer, and many more very official-looking titles. It -gave 'mijnheer' for 'sir'; but for 'dear sir' nothing at all. - -Seeing, however, that _dear_ was _lief_ or _dierbaar_, I could easily -make out a form of friendly address:--'Dierbare mijnheer' or briefly -'Dierbaar.' - -It was a toss up, indeed whether to take the stiff title Hooggeachte -Heer (for Hoogedelgestrenge Heer seemed too much of a good thing for a -note about an umbrella) or this more affectionate but somewhat doubtful -Dierbaar! - -I finally decided on a combination, one at the beginning and one at the -end. - -I sailed along quite comfortably until I arrived at his '_doing me -the honour to call_'. This required hammering out; and when I had -tortured myself a long time over it, here is what I got: 'wanneer -gij mij vereerdet door het bij mij eene visite afleggen'. Dreadfully -round-about, you perceive! So I just fell back upon brevity, and -trusted to luck to carry me safely through. 'Op mij te roepen', sounded -terse and likely; and I chose it to avoid worse pitfalls with _door_ -and the infinitive. - -As '_I beg_' had a brusque ring, I made it a trifle mellower and more -courteous by the helpful and familiar 'verschoon mij'. 'Verschoon mij, -dat ik bedel,' I could not improve on _that_. - -But the proper division of 'overhandigen' into its component parts was -not easy. - -To get the right 'hang' of this sentence, I forcibly detached the -'over', and dragged this harmless voorzetsel well forward so as not -to impede the action of its own particular verb, when you got so far. -This much improved the rhythm; and I gave myself some freedom in the -phrasing to keep up the style. - -Indeed, after all, two or three bits of phrases could be worked in. -'Goedige aanblikken' caught my eye somewhere. I was delighted to have -a kind of equivalent for _kind regards_; and eschewing the temptation -to deviate into 'zuiverlijk' for _sincerely_, or 'vertrouwelijk' for -_faithfully_, I finished with simple directness using 'waarachtig' for -_truly_. This I afterwards thought of changing to waarempeltjes as -being less formal. - -Finally, to give a neat turn to the whole, I dropped in a sentence from -the conversation-manual, so as to refer with a light but artistic touch -to the broiling weather. - -Thus the finished product assumed the following form: - - Hooggeachte Heer! - -Aangezien dat gij in mijn zaal laatsten Donderdag morgen Uwen -regenscherm vergegeten hebt, op den datum dat gij mij de eer deedt om -op mij te roepen, en visite af te leggen, verschoon mij dat ik bedel -het geabandoneerde voorwerp beleefd over aan UEdele te handigen door -den drager dezes briefs. - -Ik bemerkt niet eerstelijk dat de regenscherm de Uwe was; dus ik -vertrouw dat gij wilt pardoneeren al het verdriet dat zijne afwezigheid -veroorzaakt hebben moge. - -Hoe heerlijk dat het gunstige weer van gisteren en onlangs gestadig -blijft! Ik hoop van harte dat U ervan heerlijk geniet. - -Koesterende den hoop dat de regenscherm zonder oponthoud U goed en wel -zal bereiken, - - Ik blijf, - Dierbaar, - met goedige aanblikken, - waarachtig de Uwe, - JACK O'NEILL. - - - - -EENIGE PERSBEOORDEELINGEN. - - -Op hoogst geestige wijze vertelde de Heer BROWN van des heeren -O'Neill onverstoorbaren ijver om Hollandsch te willen spreken, en -de honderden bokken, die de Brit schoot, deden de toehoorders soms -onbedaarlijk lachen, vooral zijn kennismaking met den heer van het -bevolkingsregisterbureau, zijn onderhoud met de waschvrouw bij het -opmaken der waschlijst, zijn uitstapje naar den Haag, de wijze waarop -hij "Have jou pens" vertaalde, en de manier waarop hij zich in -verschillende winkels trachtte duidelijk te maken waren hoogst amusant. -Maar vooral de teekening van hetgeen daarbij voorviel en was op te -merken, gaf ons humor te hooren, zooals we die slechts vinden bij -DICKENS. - - _Het Nieuws van Zeist en Driebergen._ - - -In de kleine zaal van het concertgebouw heeft de Heer J. IRWIN BROWN, -die reeds den vorigen winter met groot succes hier ter stede een paar -lezingen hield, een volle zaal vaak tot schier onbedaarlijk lachen -gedwongen, door zijn lezing. En de velen die hem hoorden en zich af -en toe tranen lachten, hebben den redenaar door warme toejuichingen -beloond voor het genot hun verschaft, - - _Alg. Handelsblad._ - - -De typische manier, waarop de Heer BROWN het Hollandsch uitsprak, -alsmede zijn kalm maar hoogst humoristische wijze van voordragen "deed -'t hem." De talrijke aanwezigen gierden het telkens uit van 't lachen, -sommige gevallen waren bepaald ook uiterst amusant. - -Hun die nog niet het genoegen hadden de Heer BROWN te hooren, kunnen -wij zeer aanbevelen zulks te gaan doen. - - _Telegraaf._ - - -Behalve zijn liefde voor de Engelsche literatuur, bezit de Heer BROWN -ook den kostelijken humor die zoo speciaal Britsch is, dien humor -zonder eenige pretentie, maar daarom juist zoo onweerstaanbaar. - -Verslag te geven van deze voordracht is ondoenlijk. Men moet die zelf -hooren om mee te schateren van 't lachen. - - _Rotterdamsch Nieuwsblad._ - - -Dms. BROWN heeft ook ditmaal weder veel succes gehad en wij zouden -niet weten wat meer te prijzen: zijn schoone "dictie" van verzen, of -de geestige manier, waarop hij "a Briton's Difficulties in mastering -Dutch" behandelde. Het laatste bracht de lachspieren heftig in beweging -en bij elken "blunder" van den Brit schaterde het publiek het uit. - -Van harte hopen wij, dat het Haarlemsche publiek het volgend jaar nog -eens in de gelegenheid zal worden gesteld dezen begaafden spreker te -hooren. - - _Haarlemsche Courant._ - - -"... Aan velen in den lande zijn de stukjes, hier in een bundel -verzameld, reeds bekend, want de Heer BROWN heeft ze op verschillende -plaatsen voorgedragen. In een aantal recensies van die voordrachten -wordt gewag gemaakt van het onbedaarlijk gelach, dat de voordrager er -mee verwekte. Het is ons bij de lezing niet anders vergaan. We konden -ons telkens niet houden van het lachen. Het boekje is inderdaad vol -onweerstaanbare vis comica." - - _Nieuwe Rotterd. Courant._ - - -... Van af de eerste tot de laatste bladzijde spreekt er uit het boekje -een schat van gezonden, ongezochten humor, afgewisseld door tal van -rake opmerkingen, over misbruiken in onze spreektaal binnengeslopen en -zoo geacclimatiseerd, dat we ze nauwelijks meer bemerkten. Zelfs NURKS -zaliger nagedachtenis zou het bezit van lachspieren gemerkt hebben, -wanneer hem ooit de conversatie tusschen O'NEILL en den heer van 't -bevolkingsregister ware medegedeeld. - -Als 't waar is, dat lachen een genezenden invloed op zieken uitoefent, -wagen we "An Irishman's difficulties with the Dutch language" als -universeel-geneesmiddel aan te bevelen, op gevaar af, ons schuldig te -maken aan onbevoegd uitoefenen der geneeskunde.... - - _De Telegraaf._ - - -... Het is een boekje vooral geschikt voor kniesooren en -droefgeestigen. Ze zullen er van opknappen. - - _De Nederlander._ - - -... Laten ze lachen om het prachtige Hollandsche waschlijstje, om -den bliksemafleider en om de "kwast" in het cafetje, allen tot -mistificaties worden, lachen om zooveel andere dingen, als de -moeilijkheden met den postambtenaar, bij het verzenden van een -postpakketje of het gesprek met den man van het bevolkingsregister, -lachen om het kostelijke briefje waarmee het boekje besluit.... - - _"De Nieuwe Courant"._ - - - - -Opmerkingen van de bewerker - - -Cursieve tekst is aangegeven met _underscores_, en vet met =tekens=. - -De kopteksten van het oorspronkelijke boek zijn gebruikt als -hoofdstukondertitels. - -Duidelijke fouten met leestekens zijn stilzwijgend verbeterd. De -nummering van hoofdstuk 11 en 12 (oorspronkelijk 12 en 13) is -gecorrigeerd. Bovendien zijn de volgende veranderingen aangebracht, -op bladzij - - 7 "change" in "chance" (There is no chance of practice unless you - get away) - - 16 "Incorrigble" in "Incorrigible" (interposed the First Year - Incorrigible) - - 17 "des" in "yes" ("Oh, yes", said O'Neill with some show of - caution.) - - 29 "pakage" in "package" (errand-boy entered with a package which he) - - 33 "dont" in "don't" (I don't care) - - 41 "KERCHIFF" in "KERCHIEF" (THE KERCHIEF OF QUEEN ELIZABETH.) - - 41 "if" in "of" (which of course must be right) - - 43 "word" in "words" (A few other words I got with comparative ease) - - 49 "own" in "now" (at a loss now and again) - - 51 "exclained" in "exclaimed" (he exclaimed with delight) - - 52 "inte" in "into" (and you'll get into no end of trouble) - - 55 "brillantly" in "brilliantly" (The plan was brilliantly - successful.) - - 57 "seen" in "seem" (those horrid expressions that you seem so fond - of) - - 61 "myterious" in "mysterious" (draw some of this mysterious - beverage) - - 66 "metters" in "matters" (This did not appreciably mend matters) - - 76 "exclained" in "exclaimed" (exclaimed Enderby, rising suddenly off - his seat) - - 81 "exlaimed" in "exclaimed" ("Neen maar!--Mijnheer!" I exclaimed.) - - 88 "ADDRES" in "ADDRESS" (A FLATTERING ADDRESS.) - - 90 "unsuccesful" in "unsuccessful" (that I was always unsuccessful in - my conversations) - - 93 "delarations" in "declarations" (and filled in the declarations - all wrongly".) - - 97 "Layng" in "Laying" (Laying at last a fatherly hand upon his - shoulder) - - 97 "amunition" in "ammunition" (and half my ammunition was not yet - expended) - - 100 "Registers" in "Register" (The gentleman from the Bevolkings - Register Bureau) - - 112 "onderhond" in "onderhoud" (zijn onderhoud met de waschvrouw). - -Andere eigenaardigheden en inconsequenties in spelling en grammatica -zijn niet gewijzigd, zoals bijvoorbeeld het afwisselend gebruik van "y" -en "ij", en het gebruik van afbrekingsstreepjes en aanhalingstekens. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of An Irishman's Difficulties with the -Dutch Language, by N.A. 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