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diff --git a/43326.txt b/43326.txt deleted file mode 100644 index c9eb6cb..0000000 --- a/43326.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,12590 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg's Joe Miller's Jests, With Copious Additions, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Joe Miller's Jests, With Copious Additions - -Author: Various - -Contributor: Joe Miller - -Editor: Frank Bellew - -Release Date: July 27, 2013 [EBook #43326] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOE MILLER'S JESTS *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards, Joke Van Dorst and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - JOE MILLER'S JESTS, - - WITH COPIOUS ADDITIONS. - - EDITED BY - FRANK BELLEW. - - - COPY OF THE TITLE-PAGE TO THE ORIGINAL EDITION. - -JOE MILLER'S JESTS; OR, THE WIT'S VADE-MECUM: being a collection of the -most brilliant Jests; the politest _Repartees_; the most elegant _Bon -mots_, and most pleasant short Stories in the _English_ language. First -carefully collected in the company, and many of them transcribed from -the mouth of the Facetious _Gentleman_, whose name they bear; and now -set forth and published by his lamentable friend and former companion, -Elijah Jenkins, Esq. Most humbly inscribed to those Choice Spirits of -the Age, Captain Bodens, Mr. Alexander Pope, Mr. Professor Lacy, Mr. -Orator Henley, and Job Baker, the Kettle-Drummer. London: Printed and -sold by T. Read, in Dogwell Court, White's Fryars, Fleet Street. -MDCCXXXIX. - - PUBLISHED AT THE - OFFICE OF THE NORTHERN MAGAZINE, - 39 PARK ROW, NEW-YORK. - - 1865. - - -Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1865, by - -A. BELLEW, - -In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the -Southern District of New-York. - - - - -PREFACE. - - -A few years ago, at a dinner party in England, a very good story was -told by one of the company, who represented the hero of the anecdote as -a well-known nobleman then living. This story was immediately pronounced -to be an "old Joe." On this, a warm discussion took place, when it came -out incidentally, that not one of those present had ever seen the book -so familiarly referred to. This discovery aroused the curiosity of one -of the party, who immediately resolved to procure a copy of the work--a -most difficult and costly matter. Having procured the book, he decided -to republish it for the benefit of his benighted fellow-countrymen, and -the following volume is the result. - -A singular fact connected with this work is, that every body presumes -that he himself, and every other person, is perfectly familiar with its -contents; and yet, if the reader will ask his friends, it will appear -that not one in a thousand ever set eyes on a copy; indeed, we doubt -much whether there are a dozen persons in the United States who have -ever seen the work. - -Mr. Joseph Miller--or Joe Miller, as he is generally called, with a -familiarity that smacks of immortality--whose name as a wit is now -current wherever the English language is spoken, was, when living, -himself a jest for dulness, so that his name appended to this work is -what Mr. Artemus Ward would call "sarkasum." According to report, -Miller, who _was_ an excellent comic actor, but taciturn and saturnine, -"was in the habit of spending his afternoons at the _Black Jack_, a -well-known public-house in Portsmouth street, Clare Market, which at -that time was frequented by the most respectable tradesmen in the -neighborhood, who, from Joe's imperturbable gravity, whenever any -risible saying was recounted, ironically ascribed it to him. After his -death, having left his family unprovided for, advantage was taken of -this _badinage_. A Mr. Mottley, a well-known dramatist of that day, was -employed to collect all the stray jests, then current on town. Joe -Miller's name was prefixed to them, and from that day to this, the man -who never uttered a jest has been the reputed author of every jest, past -and present, and doubtless through future ages will receive credit for -all the good things that may be said by the grandchildren of those -youngsters who now collect ---- and our knees, and, in the innocence of -their hearts, never suspect (that which they will, alas! discover in -after years) that we have been palming off on them "Old Joe's," as the -production of our own unparalleled humor. Fathers may well dread the -effect this book may have on the filial respect of their sons a -generation hence, when they will cease to be the respected wits and -become the beloved impostors. - -This volume not only contains the jests of Joe Miller, but a large -number of others, gathered from collections of Facetiae previously and -since published. But to the bookworm and student of Jokology, it will be -sufficient to say that the first one hundred and ninety-eight jokes -comprise the whole of the genuine edition. - -When we look at the reputation of this Miller, we must needs be deeply -impressed with the capriciousness of the character of Fame. A hero or a -martyr dies--she gives one small toot and hangs up her horn. But some -obscure person is hot with a jest, and her trumpet brays away in his -honor for ages. Then, too, her mendacity--George of England is -advertised as a saint, and Joe Miller as a wit. For aught we can tell to -the contrary, our great-grandchildren may honor the name of Greeley as a -leader of fashion. They may speak of him as Dandy Horace or Beau -Greeley--tailors may adorn their magazines of fashion with his portrait. -Miles O'Reilly may be canonized, and Artemus Ward handed down to -posterity as a general officer in the confederate army. - - - - -JOE MILLER'S JESTS. - - -1. The Duke of Atholl, who says more good things than anybody, being -behind the scenes the first night of the Beggars' Opera, and meeting -Cibber there, Well, Colley, said he, how do you like the Beggars' Opera? -Why it makes one laugh, my lord, answered he, on the stage; but how will -it do in print? O! very well, I'll answer for it, said the duke, if you -don't write a preface to it.[1] - - [1] See Cibber's preface to Provoked Husband. - - -2. There being a great disturbance one night at Drury Lane play-house, -Mr. Wilks, coming upon the stage to say something to pacify the -audience, had an orange thrown full at him, which he having taken up, -making a low bow, This is no civil orange, I think, said he. - - -3. Joe Miller sitting one day in the window at the Sun Tavern in Clare -Street, a fishwoman and her maid passing by, the woman cried, "Buy my -souls, buy my maids." Ah! you wicked old creature, said honest Joe, what -are you not content to sell your own soul, but you must sell your maid's -too? - - -4. A poor man who had a termagant wife, after a long dispute, in which -she was resolved to have the last word, told her, If she spoke one more -crooked word, he'd beat her brains out. Why then, ram's-horns, you -rogue, said she, if I die for it. - - -5. A hackney-coachman, who was just set up, had heard that the lawyers -used to club their threepence a-piece, four of them, to go to -Westminster; and being called by a lawyer at Temple Bar, who, with two -others in their gowns, got into his coach, he was bid to drive to -Westminster Hall; but the coachman still holding his door open, as if he -waited for more company, one of the gentleman asked him, why he did not -shut the door, and go on? The fellow, scratching his head, cried, You -know, master, my fare's a shilling; I can't go for ninepence. - - -6. Two free-thinking authors proposed to a bookseller, that was a little -decayed in the world, That if he would print their works, they would set -him up; and, indeed, they were as good as their word, for in six weeks -time he was in the pillory. - - -7. A gentleman was saying one day at the Tilt Yard Coffee-house, when it -rained exceedingly hard, that it put him in mind of the general deluge. -Zoons, sir, said an old campaigner, who stood by, who's that? I have -heard of all the generals in Europe but him. - - -8. A certain poet and player, remarkable for his impudence and -cowardice, happening many years ago to have a quarrel with Mr. Powel, -another player, received from him a smart box on the ear; a few days -after, the poetical player having lost his snuff-box, and making strict -inquiry if anybody had seen his box, What, said another of the buskined -wits, that which George Powel gave you the other night? - - -9. Gun Jones, who had made his fortune himself, from a mean beginning, -happening to have some words with a person who had known him some time, -was asked by the other, how he could have the impudence to give himself -so many airs, when he knew very well, that he remembered him seven years -before with hardly a rag to his back. You lie, sirrah, replied Jones, -seven years ago I had nothing but rags to my back. - - -10. Lord R-- having lost fifty pistoles one night at the gaming-table in -Dublin, some friends condoling with him upon his ill luck: Faith, said -he, I am very well pleased at what I have done; for I have bit them, -there is not one pistole that don't want six-pence of weight. - - -11. A gentleman saying something in praise of Mrs. C--m, who is, without -dispute, a good player, though exceeding saucy and exceeding ugly; -another said, her face always put him in mind of Mary-bone Park; being -desired to explain himself, he said, It was vastly rude, and had not one -bit of pale about it. - - -12. A pragmatical young fellow, sitting at table over against the -learned John Scott, asked him, What difference there was between Scott -and Sot? Just the breadth of the table, answered the other. - - -13. Another poet asked Nat Lee, if it was not easy to write like a -madman, as he did? No, answered Nat; but it is easy to write like a -fool, as you do. - - -14. Colley, who, notwithstanding his odes, has now and then said a good -thing, being told one night by the late Duke of Wharton, that he -expected to see him hanged or beggared very soon: If I had your grace's -politics and morals, said the laureat, you might expect both. - - -15. Sir Thomas More for a long time had only daughters, his wife -earnestly praying that they might have a boy; at last they had a boy, -who, when he came to man's estate, proved but simple: Thou prayedst so -long for a boy, said Sir Thomas to his wife, that at last thou hast got -one who will be a boy as long as he lives. - - -16. The same gentleman, when Lord Chancellor, being pressed by the -counsel of the party, for a longer day to perform a decree, said, Take -St. Barnaby's Day, the longest in the year, which happened to be next -week. - - -17. This famous Chancellor, who preserved his humour and wit to the last -moment, when he came to be executed on Tower Hill, the headsman demanded -his upper garment as his fee; Ah! friend, said he, taking off his cap, -that, I think, is my upper garment. - - -18. When Rabelais, the greatest droll in France, lay on his death-bed, -he could not help jesting at the very last moment; for, having received -the extreme unction, a friend coming to see him, said, he hoped he was -prepared for the next world: Yes, yes, replied Rabelais, I am ready for -my journey now; they have just greased my boots. - - -19. Henry the Fourth of France, reading an ostentatious inscription on -the monument of a Spanish officer, "Here lies the body of Don &c. &c., -who never knew what fear was." Then, said the king, he never snuffed a -candle with his fingers. - - -20. A certain member of the French Academy, who was no great friend to -the Abbot Furetiere, one day took the seat that was commonly used by the -abbot, and soon after having occasion to speak, and Furetiere being by -that time come in: Here is a place, said he, gentlemen, from whence I am -likely to utter a thousand impertinencies. Go on, answered Furetiere, -there's one already. - - -21. When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his great room in York -Buildings, for public orations, he happened at one time to be pretty -much behind-hand with his workmen, and coming one day among them, to see -how they went forward, ordered one of them to get into the rostrum, and -make a speech, that he might observe how it could be heard; the fellow -mounting, and scratching his pate, told him, he knew not what to say, -for in truth he was no orator. Oh! said the knight, no matter for that, -speak anything that comes uppermost. Why here, Sir Richard, says the -fellow, we have been working for you these six weeks, and cannot get one -penny of money: pray, sir, when do you design to pay us?--Very well, -very well, said Sir Richard, pray come down, I have heard enough; I -cannot but own you speak very distinctly, though I don't admire your -subject. - - -22. A country clergyman, meeting a neighbour, who never came to church, -although an old fellow of above sixty, he gave him some reproof on that -account, and asked him if he never read at home? No, replied the clown, -I can't read. I dare say, said the parson, you don't know who made you. -Not I, in troth, said the countryman. A little boy coming by at the same -time, Who made you, child? said the parson. God, sir, answered the boy. -Why, look you there, quoth the honest clergyman, are not you ashamed to -hear a child of five or six years old tell me who made him, when you, -that are so old a man, cannot? Ah! said the countryman, it is no wonder -that he should remember; he was made but t'other day, it is a great -while, master, sin' I was made. - - -23. A certain reverend clergyman in the country was complaining to -another, that it was a great fatigue to preach twice a day. Oh! said the -other, I preach twice every Sunday, and make nothing of it. - - -24. One of the aforesaid gentlemen, as was his custom, preaching most -exceedingly dull to a congregation not used to him, many of them slunk -out of the church, one after another, before the sermon was near ended. -Truly, said a gentleman present, this learned doctor has made a very -moving discourse. - - -25. Sir William Davenant the poet had no nose, who going along the Mews -one day, a beggar-woman followed him, crying, Ah! God preserve your -eye-sight, sir; the Lord preserve your eye-sight. Why, good woman, said -he, do you pray so much for my eye-sight? Ah! dear sir, answered the -woman, if it should please God that you grow dim-sighted, you have no -place to hang your spectacles on. - - -26. A Welchman, bragging of his family, said, His father's effigy was -set up in Westminster Abbey; being asked whereabouts, he said, In the -same monument with Squire Thynne's; for he was his coachman. - - -27. A person was saying, not at all to the purpose, that Samson was a -very strong man. Ay, said another, but you are much stronger, for you -make nothing of lugging him in by the head and shoulders. - - -28. My Lord Strangford, who stammered very much, was telling a certain -bishop that sat at his table, that Balaam's ass spoke because he was -pri--est-- Priest-rid, sir, (said a valet-de-chambre, who stood behind -the chair,) my lord would say. No, friend, replied the bishop, Balaam -could not speak himself, and so his ass spoke for him. - - -29. The same noble lord asked a clergyman once, at the bottom of his -table, why the goose, if there was one, was always placed next to the -parson? Really, said he, I can give no reason for it; but your question -is so odd, I shall never see a goose, for the future, without thinking -of your lordship. - - -30. A gentleman was asking another how that poor devil S--ge could live, -now my Lord T--l had turned him off. Upon his wits, said the other. That -is living upon a slender stock indeed, replied the first. - - -31. A country parson having divided his text under two and twenty heads, -one of the congregation went out of the church in a great hurry, and -being met by a friend, he asked him, whither he was going? Home for my -night-cap, answered the first, for I find we are to stay here all night. - - -32. A very modest young gentleman, of the county of Tipperary, having -attempted many ways in vain to acquire the affections of a lady of great -fortune, at last was resolved to try what could be done by the help of -music, and therefore entertained her with a serenade under her windows -at midnight; but she ordered her servant to drive him hence, by throwing -stones at him. Your music, my friend, said one of his companions, is as -powerful as that of Orpheus, for it draws the very stones about you. - - -33. A certain senator, who, it may be, is not esteemed the wisest man in -the house, has a frequent custom of shaking his head when another -speaks; which, giving offence to a particular person, he complained of -the affront; but one who had been long acquainted with him, assured the -house, It was only an ill habit he had got, for though he would -oftentimes shake his head, there was nothing in it. - - -34. A gentleman having lent a guinea for two or three days to a person -whose promises he had not much faith in, was very much surprised to -find, that he punctually kept his word with him; the same gentleman -being some time after desirous of borrowing the like sum, No, said the -other, you have deceived me once, and I am resolved you shan't do it a -second time. - - -35. My Lord Chief Justice Holt had sent, by his warrant, one of the -French prophets, a foolish sect, that started up in his time, to prison; -upon which, Mr. Lacy, one of their followers, came one day to my lord's -house, and desired to speak with him; the servants told him, he was not -well, and saw no company that day: But tell him, said Lacy, I must see -him; for I come to him from the Lord; which being told the Chief -Justice, he ordered him to come in, and asked him his business: I come, -said he, from the Lord, who has sent me to thee, and would have thee -grant a _nolle prosequi_ for John Atkins, whom thou hast cast into -prison. Thou art a false prophet, answered my lord, and a lying knave; -for if the Lord had sent thee, it would have been to the Attorney -General; he knows it is not in my power to grant a _nolle prosequi_. - - -36. Tom B--rn--t happening to be at dinner at my Lord Mayor's, in the -latter part of Queen Anne's reign, after two or three healths, the -ministry was toasted; but when it came to Tom's turn to drink, he -diverted it for some time by telling a story to the person who sat next -him; the chief magistrate of the city, not seeing his toast go round, -called out, Gentlemen, where sticks the ministry? At nothing, said Tom, -and so drank off his glass. - - -37. My Lord Craven, in King James the First's reign, was very desirous -to see Ben Jonson, which being told to Ben, he went to my lord's house; -but being in a very tattered condition, as poets sometimes are, the -porter refused him admittance, with some saucy language, which the other -did not fail to return. My lord, happening to come out while they were -wrangling, asked the occasion of it? Ben, who stood in need of nobody to -speak for him, said, he understood his lordship desired to see him. You, -friend? said my lord, who are you? Ben Jonson, replied the other. No, -no, quoth my lord, you cannot be Ben Jonson, who wrote the Silent Woman; -you look as if you could not say Bo to a goose. Bo, cried Ben. Very -well, said my lord, who was better pleased at the joke than offended at -the affront, I am now convinced, by your wit, you are Ben Jonson. - - -38. A certain fop was boasting in company that he had every sense in -perfection. There is one you are quite without, said one who was by, and -that is common sense. - - -39. An Irish lawyer of the Temple having occasion to go to dinner, left -these directions written, and put in the key-hole of his chamber door: I -am gone to the Elephant and Castle, where you shall find me; and if you -can't read this note, carry it down to the stationer's, and he will read -it for you. - - -40. Old Dennis, who had been the author of many plays, going by a -brandy-shop in St. Paul's Church Yard, the man who kept it came out to -him, and desired him to drink a dram. For what reason? said he. Because -you are a dramatic poet, answered the other. Well, sir, said the old -gentleman, thou art an out-of-the-way fellow, and I will drink a dram -with thee: but when he had so done, he asked him to pay for it: 'Sdeath, -Sir, said the bard, did you not ask me to drink a dram, because I was a -dramatic poet? Yes, sir, replied the fellow, but I did not think you had -been a dram-o'tick poet. - - -41. Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, and a friend of his, having a -desire to drink a glass of wine together, upon the 30th of January, they -went to the Salutation Tavern upon Holborn Hill, and finding the door -shut, they knocked at it, but it was not opened to them, only one of the -drawers looked through a little wicket, and asked what they would please -to have? Why, open your door, said Daniel, and draw us a pint of wine: -the drawer said, his master would not allow of it that day, for it was a -fast. Hang your master, replied he, for a precise coxcomb, is he not -contented to fast himself, but he must make his doors fast too? - - -42. The same gentleman calling for some pipes in a tavern, complained -they were too short. The drawer said they had no other, and those were -but just come in. Ay, said Daniel, I see you have not bought them very -long. - - -43. The same gentleman, as he had the character of a great punster, was -desired one night in company, by a gentleman, to make a pun extempore. -Upon what subject? said Daniel. The King, answered the other. The king, -sir, said he, is no subject. - - -44. G--s E--l, who, though he is very rich, is remarkable for his sordid -covetousness, told Cibber one night in the green room, that he was going -out of town, and was sorry to part with him, for faith he loved him. Ah! -said Colley, I wish I was a shilling for your sake. Why so? said the -other. Because then, cried the laureat, I should be sure you loved me. - - -45. Lord C--by, coming out of the House of Lords one day, called out, -Where's my fellow? Not in England, said a gentleman who stood by. - - -46. A beggar asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman -to whom he applied himself asked him a question in Latin; the fellow, -shaking his head, said, he did not understand him. Why, said the -gentleman, did you not say you were a poor scholar? Yes, replied the -other, a poor one indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word of -Latin. - - -47. Several years ago, when Mrs. Rogers the player was young and -handsome, Lord North and Grey, remarkable for his homely face, accosting -her one night behind the scenes, asked her with a sigh, what was a cure -for love? Your Lordship, said she; the best I know in the world. - - -48. Colonel ----, who made the fine fireworks in St. James's Square, -upon the peace of Ryswick, being in company with some ladies, was highly -commending the epitaph just then set up in the Abbey on Mr. Purcell's -monument--"He is gone to that place where only his own harmony can be -exceeded." Well, Colonel, said one of the ladies, the same epitaph might -serve for you, by altering one word only: "He is gone to that place -where only his own fireworks can be exceeded?" - - -49. Sir B--ch--r W--y, in the beginning of Queen Anne's reign, and three -or four more drunken tories, reeling home from the Fountain Tavern in -the Strand, on a Sunday morning, cried out, We are the pillars of the -church. No, said a whig, that happened to be in their company, you can -be but the buttresses, for you never come on the inside of it. - - -50. After the fire of London, there was an act of parliament to regulate -the buildings of the city; every house was to be three stories high. A -Gloucestershire gentleman, a man of great wit and humour, just after -this act passed, going along the street, and seeing a little crooked -gentlewoman on the other side of the way, ran over to her in great -haste; Lord, madam, said he, how dare you to walk the streets thus -publicly? Walk the streets! and why not? answered the little woman. -Because, said he, you are built directly contrary to act of parliament: -you are but two stories high. - - -51. One Mr. Topham was so very tall and large, that if he was living -now, he might be shewn at Yeate's theatre for a sight. This gentleman -going one day to inquire for a countryman a little way out of town, when -he came to the house, he looked in at a little window over the door, and -asked the woman, who sat by the fire, if her husband was at home? No, -Sir, said she, but if you please to alight, and come in, I'll go and -call him. - - -52. The same gentleman walking across Covent Garden, was asked by a -beggar-woman for a halfpenny, or farthing; but finding he would not part -with his money, she begged he would give her one of his old shoes. He -was very desirous to know what she could do with one shoe. To make my -child a cradle, sir, said she. - - -53. King Charles II. having ordered a new suit of clothes to be made, -just at a time when addresses were coming up to him from all parts of -the kingdom, Tom Killigrew went to the tailor, and ordered him to make a -very large pocket on one side of the coat, and one so small on the -other, that the king could hardly get his hand into it; which seeming -very odd, when they were brought home, he asked the meaning of it; the -tailor said, Mr. Killigrew ordered it so. Killigrew being sent for, and -interrogated, said, One pocket was for the addresses of his majesty's -subjects, the other for the money they would give him. - - -54. My Lord B---- had married three wives, who were all his servants; a -beggar-woman meeting him one day in the street, made him a very low -curtesy. Ah, bless your lordship, said she, and send you a long life; if -you do but live long enough, we shall all be ladies in time. - - -55. Dr. Sadler, who was a very fat man, happening to go thump, thump, -through a street in Oxford, where the paviours were at work, in the -midst of July, the fellows immediately laid down their rammers. Ah, -bless you, master, said one of them, it was very kind of you to come -this way; it saves us a great deal of trouble this hot weather. - - -56. An arch wag, of St. John's College, asked another of the same -College, who was a great sloven, why he would not read a certain author -called Go-Clenius. - - -57. Swan, the famous punster of Cambridge, being a non-juror, upon which -account he had lost his Fellowship, as he was going along the Strand, in -the beginning of King William's reign, on a very rainy day, a -hackney-coachman called to him, Sir, won't you please to take coach? it -rains hard. Ay, friend, said he, but this is no rain [reign] for me to -take coach in. - - -58. When Oliver first coined his money, an old cavalier looking upon one -of the new pieces, read the inscription on one side, God with us: On the -other, The commonwealth of England. I see, said he, God and the -commonwealth are on different sides. - - -59. Colonel Bond, who had been one of King Charles the First's judges, -died a day or two before Oliver, and it was strongly reported everywhere -that Cromwell was dead; No, said a gentleman, who knew better, he has -only given Bond to the devil for his further appearance. - - -60. Mr. Serjeant G----d, being lame of one leg, and pleading before -Judge Fortescue, who had little or no nose, the Judge told him he was -afraid he had but a lame cause of it. Oh! my lord, said the Serjeant, -have but a little patience, and I'll warrant I prove everything as plain -as the nose on your face. - - -61. A gentleman, eating some mutton that was very tough, said, it put -him in mind of an old English poet; being asked who that was, Chau-cer, -replied he. - - -62. Michael Angelo, in his picture of the Last Judgment, in the Pope's -chapel, painted among the figures in hell that of a certain cardinal, -who was his enemy, so like, that everybody knew it at first sight: -whereupon the cardinal complaining to Pope Clement VII. of the affront, -and desiring that it might be defaced; You know very well, said the -Pope, I have power to deliver a soul out of purgatory, but not out of -hell. - - -63. A gentleman being at dinner at a friend's house, the first thing -that came upon the table was a dish of whitings, and one being put upon -his plate, he found it smell so strong, that he could not eat a bit of -it; but he laid his mouth down to the fish, as if he was whispering with -it, and then took up the plate, and put it to his own ear. The -gentleman, at whose table he was, inquiring into the meaning, he told -him, that he had a brother lost at sea about a fortnight ago, and he was -asking that fish if he knew anything of him: And what answer made he? -said the gentleman. He told me, said he, that he could give no account -of him, for he had not been at sea these three weeks.--I would not have -any of my readers apply this story as an unfortunate gentleman did who -had heard it, and was, the next day, whispering a rump of beef, at a -friend's house. - - -64. An English gentleman happening to be in Brecknockshire, he used -sometimes to divert himself with shooting; but being suspected not to be -qualified by one of the little Welch justices, his worship told him, -that unless he could produce his qualification, he should not allow him -to shoot there, and he had two little manors. Yes, sir, said the -Englishman, everybody may perceive that. Perceive what? cried the -Welchman: That you have too little manners, said the other. - - -65. The Chaplain's boy of a man of war, being sent out of his own ship -of an errand to another, the two boys were comparing notes about their -manner of living: How often, said one, do you go to prayers now? Why, -answered the other, in case of a storm, or any other danger: Ay, said -the first, there's some sense in that, but my master makes us pray when -there is no more occasion for it than for my leaping overboard. - - -66. A midshipman, one night, in company with Joe Miller and myself, told -us, that being once in great danger at sea, everybody was observed to be -upon their knees but one man, who, being called upon to come, with the -rest of the hands, to prayers: Not I, said he, it is your business to -take care of the ship, I am but a passenger. - - -67. Three or four roguish scholars walking out one day from the -University of Oxford, spied a poor fellow near Abingdon asleep in a -ditch, with an ass by him, loaded with earthen ware, holding the bridle -in his hand: says one of the scholars to the rest, If you will assist -me, I'll help you to a little money, for you know we are bare at -present. No doubt of it they were not long consenting. Why, then, said -he, we'll go and sell this old fellow's ass at Abingdon; for you know -the fair is to-morrow, and we shall meet with chapmen enough: therefore -do you take the panniers off, and put them upon my back, and that bridle -over my head, and then lead you the ass to market, and let me alone with -the old man. This being done accordingly, in a little time after, the -poor man awaking, was strangely surprised to see his ass thus -metamorphosed. Oh! for God's sake, said the scholar, take this bridle -out of my mouth, and this load from my back. Zoons! how came you here? -replied the old man. Why, said he, my father, who is a necromancer, upon -an idle thing I did to disoblige him, transformed me into an ass; but -now his heart has relented, and I am come to my own shape again, I beg -you will let me go home and thank him.--By all means, said the crockery -merchant, I do not desire to have any thing to do with conjuration; and -so set the scholar at liberty, who went directly to his comrades, that -by this time were making merry with the money they had sold the ass for. -But the old fellow was forced to go the next day to seek for a new one -in the fair; and after having looked on several, his own was shown him -for a good one. Oh! said he, what have he and his father quarrelled -again already? No, no, I'll have nothing to say to him. - - -68. Mr. Congreve going up the water in a boat, one of the watermen told -him, as they passed by Peterborough House, that that house had sunk a -story. No, friend, said he, I rather believe it is a story raised. - - -69. The aforesaid house, which is the very last in London, one way, -being rebuilt, a gentleman asked another, Who lived in it? His friend -told him, Sir Robert Grosvenor. I don't know, said the first, what -estate Sir Robert has, but he ought to have a very good one; for nobody -lives beyond him in the whole town. - - -70. Two gentlemen disputing about religion, in Button's Coffee-house, -said one of them, I wonder, sir, you should talk of religion, when I'll -hold you five guineas you can't say the Lord's Prayer. Done, said the -other, and Sir Richard Steele shall hold stakes. The money being -deposited, the gentleman began with, I believe in God, and so went -cleverly through the Creed. Well, said the other, I own I have lost; I -did not think he could have done it. - - -71. A certain author was telling Dr. Sewel, that a passage he found -fault with in his poem might be justified, and that he thought it a -metaphor: It is such a one, said the doctor, as truly I never met-afore. - - -72. King Henry VIII. designing to send a nobleman on an embassy to -Francis I. at a very dangerous juncture, he begged to be excused, -saying, such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. -might go near to cost him his life. Fear not, said old Harry, if the -French king should offer to take away your life, I would revenge you by -taking off the heads of many Frenchmen now in my power. But of all those -heads, replied the nobleman, there may not be one to fit my shoulders. - - -73. A parson preaching a tiresome sermon on happiness or bliss; when he -had done, a gentleman told him he had forgot one sort of happiness: -Happy are they that did not hear your sermon. - - -74. A country fellow, who was just come to London, gaping about in every -shop he came to, at last looked into a scrivener's, where seeing only -one man sitting at a desk, he could not imagine what commodity was sold -there; but calling to the clerk, Pray, sir, said he, what do you sell -here?--Loggerheads, cried the other. Do you? answered the countryman; -egad, then you've a special trade; for I see you have but one left. - - -75. Manners, who was himself but lately made Earl of Rutland, told Sir -Thomas More, He was too much elated by his preferment; that he verified -the old proverb, "Honores mutant Mores." No, my lord, said Sir Thomas, -the pun will do much better in English, "Honors change Manners." - - -76. A mayor of Yarmouth, in ancient times, being by his office a justice -of the peace, and one who was willing to dispense the laws wisely, -though he could hardly read, got him the statute book, where, finding a -law against firing a beacon, or causing any beacon to be fired, after -nine of the clock at night; the poor man read it, frying bacon or -causing any bacon to be fried; and accordingly went out the next night -upon the scent, and being directed by his nose to the carrier's house, -he found the man and his wife both frying of bacon, the husband holding -the pan while the wife turned it; being thus caught in the fact, and -having nothing to say for themselves, his worship committed them both to -jail without bail or mainprize. - - -77. The late facetious Mr. Spiller, being at the rehearsal, on a -Saturday morning, the time when the actors are usually paid, was asking -another, Whether Mr. Wood, the treasurer of the house, had anything to -say to them that morning: No, faith, Jemmy, replied the other, I'm -afraid there's no cole--(which is a cant word for money). Then, said -Spiller, if there's no cole we must burn Wood. - - -78. A witty knave coming into a lace shop upon Ludgate Hill, said, he -had occasion for a small quantity of very fine lace, and having pitched -upon that he liked, asked the woman of the shop how much she would have -for as much as could reach from one of his ears to the other, and -measure which way she pleased, either over his head or under his chin. -After some words they agreed, and he paid the money down, and began to -measure, saying, One of my ears is here, and the other is nailed to the -pillory in Bristol, therefore I fear you have not enough to make good -the bargain; however, I will take this piece in part, and desire you -will provide the rest with all expedition. - - -79. When Sir Cloudesly Shovel set out on his last expedition, there was -a form of prayer composed by the Archbishop of Canterbury, for the -success of the fleet, in which his grace made use of this unlucky -expression, That he begged God would be a rock of defence to the fleet; -which occasioned the following lines to be made upon the monument set up -for him in Westminster Abbey, he being cast away in that expedition on -the rocks called The Bishop and his Clerks: - - As Lambeth pray'd, such was the dire event, - Else had we wanted now this monument; - That God unto our fleet would be a rock, - Nor did kind Heaven the wise petition mock: - To what the Metropolitan said then, - The Bishop and his Clerks replied, Amen. - - -80. A French marquis, being one day at dinner at the late Roger -Williams's, the famous punster and publican, and boasting of the happy -genius of his nation, in projecting all the fine modes and fashions, -particularly the ruffle, which, he said, was de fine ornament to de -hand, and had been followed by all de oder nations. Roger allowed what -he said, but observed at the same time, That the English, according to -custom, had made a great improvement upon their invention, by adding the -shirt to it. - - -81. A poor dirty shoe-boy going into a church, one Sunday evening, and -seeing the parish boys standing in a row upon a bench to be catechized, -he gets up himself, and stands in the very first place; so the parson, -of course beginning with him, asked him, What is your name? Rugged and -Tough, answered he; Who gave you that name? said Domine: Why the boys in -our alley, replied poor Rugged and Tough. - - -82. A prince laughing at one of his courtiers, whom he had employed in -several embassies, told him he looked like an owl. I know not, answered -the courtier, what I look like; but this I know, that I have had the -honor several times to represent your majesty's person. - - -83. A lady's age happening to be questioned, she affirmed she was but -forty, and called upon a gentleman who was in company, for his opinion: -Cousin, said she, do you believe I am in the right when I say I am but -forty? I am sure, madam, replied he, I ought not to dispute it; for I -have constantly heard you say so for above these ten years. - - -84. A Venetian ambassador, going to the court of Rome, passed through -Florence, when he went to pay his respects to the Duke of Tuscany. The -duke complaining to him of the ambassador the state of Venice had sent -him, as a man unworthy of his public character. Your highness, said he, -must not wonder at it, for we have many idle pates at Venice. So have -we, replied the duke, in Florence; but we do not send them to treat of -public affairs. - - -85. It being proved in a trial at Guildhall, that a man's name was -really Inch, who pretended it was Linch, I see, said the judge, the old -proverb is verified in this man, who being allowed an Inch has taken an -L. - - -86. A certain person came to a cardinal in Rome, and told him that he -had brought his reverence a dainty white palfrey, but he fell lame by -the way. Saith the cardinal to him, I'll tell thee what thou shalt do; -go to such a cardinal, and such a one, naming half a dozen, and tell -them the same; and so as thy horse, if it had been sound, could have -pleased but one, with this lame horse thou shalt please half a dozen. - - -87. The Emperor Augustus being shown a young Grecian who very much -resembled him, asked the young man if his mother had not been at -Rome--No, sir, answered the Grecian, but my father has. - - -88. Cato, the censor, being asked how it came to pass that he had no -statue erected for him, who had so well deserved of the commonwealth? I -had rather, said he, have this question asked, than why I had one. - - -89. A lady coming into a room hastily with her mantua brushed down a -Cremona fiddle that lay on a chair, and broke it; upon which, a -gentleman that was present, burst into this exclamation from Virgil: - - Mantua, vae miserae nimium vicina Cremonae! - Ah! miserable Mantua, too near a neighbour to Cremona. - - -90. A devout gentleman being very earnest in his prayers in the church, -it happened that a pickpocket, being near him, stole away his watch, -who, having ended his prayers, missed it, and complained to his friend -that his watch was lost while he was at prayers; to which his friend -replied, Had you watched as well as prayed, your watch had been secure; -adding these following lines: - - He that a watch will wear, this must he do, - Pocket his watch, and watch his pocket too. - - -91. A lieutenant-colonel to one of the Irish regiments in the French -service, being dispatched by the Duke of Berwick from Fort-Keil to the -King of France, with a complaint relating to some irregularities that -had happened in the regiment; his majesty, with some emotion of mind, -told him, that the Irish troops gave him more uneasiness than all his -forces besides. Sir, said the officer, all your majesty's enemies make -the same complaint. - - -92. Mr. G----n, the surgeon, being sent for to a gentleman who had just -received a slight wound in a rencounter, gave orders to his servant to -go home with all haste imaginable, and fetch a certain plaister; the -patient turning a little pale, Lord, sir, said he, I hope there is no -danger? Yes, indeed, is there, answered the surgeon, for if the fellow -don't set up a good pair of heels, the wound will heal before he -returns. - - -93. Not many years ago, a certain temporal peer having, in a most -pathetic and elegant speech, exposed the vices and irregularities of the -clergy, and vindicated the gentlemen of the army from some imputations -unjustly laid upon them: A prelate, irritated at the nature, as well as -at the length of the speech, desired to know when the noble lord would -leave off preaching? The other answered, The very day he was made a -bishop. - - -94. It chanced that a merchant ship was so violently tossed in a storm -at sea, that all, despairing of safety, betook themselves to prayer, -saving one mariner, who was ever wishing to see two stars: O! said he, -that I could but see two stars, or but one of the two; and of these -words he made so frequent repetition, that disturbing the meditations of -the rest, at length one asked him what two stars, or what one star he -meant? To whom he replied, O! that I could but see the Star in -Cheapside, or the Star in Coleman Street, I care not which. - - -95. Dr. Heylin, a noted author, especially for his Cosmography, happened -to lose his way going to Oxford, in the forest of Whichwood, being then -attended by one of his brother's men, the man earnestly entreated him to -lead the way; but the doctor telling him he did not know it! How, said -the fellow, that is very strange, that you who have made a book of the -whole world, cannot find the way out of this little wood. - - -96. Monsieur Vaugelas having obtained a pension from the French king, on -the interest of Cardinal Richelieu, the cardinal told him he hoped he -would not forget the word pension in his dictionary. No, my lord, said -Vaugelas, nor the word gratitude. - - -97. A melting sermon being preached in a country church, all fell a -weeping but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest? -Oh! said he, I belong to another parish. - - -98. A gentleman who had been out a shooting, brought home a small bird -with him, and having an Irish servant, he asked him if he had shot that -little bird? Yes, he told him. Arrah! by my shoul, honey, replied the -Irishman, it was not worth powder and shot; for this little thing would -have died in the fall. - - -99. An Irishman being at a tavern, where the cook was dressing some -carp, observed some of them move after they were gutted and put into the -pan, which very much surprising Teague, Well now, faith, said he, of all -the Christian creatures that ever I saw, this same carp will live the -longest after it is dead of any fish. - - -100. A young fellow riding down a steep hill, and doubting the foot of -it was boggish, called out to a clown that was ditching, and asked him -if it was hard at the bottom. Ay, answered the countryman, it is hard -enough at the bottom, I'll warrant you. But in half a dozen steps the -horse sunk up to the saddle skirts, which made the young gallant whip, -spur, curse and swear. Why, thou rascal, said he to the ditcher, didst -thou not tell me it was hard at bottom? Ay, replied the other, but you -are not half way to the bottom yet. - - -101. It was said of one who remembered everything that he lent, but -quite forgot what he borrowed, that he had lost half his memory. - - -102. One speaking of Titus Oates, said, he was a villain in grain, and -deserved to be well threshed. - - -103. It was said of Henry Duke of Guise, that he was the greatest -usurer in all France, for he had turned all his estate into -obligations--meaning he had sold and mortgaged his patrimony to make -presents to other men. - - -104. An Englishman and a Welchman disputing in whose country was the -best living; said the Welchman, There is such noble housekeeping in -Wales, that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding -dinner. Ay, answered the Englishman, that was because every man toasted -his own cheese. - - -105. The late Sir Godfrey Kneller had always a great contempt, I will -not pretend to say how justly, for Jervis the painter; and being one day -about twenty miles from London, one of his servants told him at dinner, -that there was Mr. Jervis come that day into the same town with a coach -and four. Ay, said Sir Godfrey, but if his horses draw no better than -himself, they will never carry him to town again. - - -106. A gentleman asked Nanny Rochford why the Whigs, in their mourning -for Queen Anne, all wore silk stockings? Because, says she, the Tories -were worsted. - - -107. A counsellor pleading at the bar with spectacles on, who was blind -with one eye, said he would produce nothing but what was _ad rem_. Then, -said one of the adverse party, you must take out one glass of your -spectacles, which I am sure is of no use. - - -108. The famous Tom Thynne, who was very remarkable for his good -housekeeping and hospitality, standing one day at his gate in the -country, a beggar coming up to him cried, He begged his worship would -give him a mug of his small beer. Why, how now, said he, what times are -these, when beggars must be choosers! I say, bring this fellow a mug of -strong beer. - - -109. It was said of a person, who always ate at other people's tables, -and was a great railer, that he never opened his mouth but to somebody's -cost. - - -110. Pope Sixtus Quintus, who was a poor man's son, and his father's -house ill thatched, so that the sun came in at many places of it, would -himself make a jest of his birth, and say, That he was _nato di casa -illustre_. - - -111. Diogenes begging, as was the custom among many philosophers, asked -a prodigal man for more than any one else; whereupon one said to him, I -see your business, that when you find a liberal mind, you will make the -most of him. No, said Diogenes, but I mean to beg of the rest again. - - -112. Dr. Sewel, and two or three more gentlemen, walking towards -Hampstead on a summer's day, were met by the famous Daniel Purcell, who -was very importunate with them to know upon what account they were going -there. The doctor merrily answering him, To make hay. Very well, replied -the other, you will be there at a very convenient season, the country -wants rakes. - - -113. A gentleman speaking of his servant said, I believe I command more -than any man; for before my servant will obey me in one thing, I must -command him ten times over. - - -114. A poor fellow who was carrying to execution, had a reprieve just as -he came to the gallows, and was carried back by a sheriff's officer, who -told him he was a happy fellow, and asked him if he knew nothing of the -reprieve beforehand? No, replied the fellow, nor thought any more of it -than I did of my dying day. - - -115. A countryman admiring the stately fabric of St. Paul's, asked, -whether it was made in England, or brought from beyond sea? - - -116. Fabricius, the Roman consul, showed a great nobleness of mind, when -the physician of King Pyrrhus made him a proposal to poison his master, -by sending the physician back to Pyrrhus, with these memorable words; -Learn, O king, to make better choice both of thy friends and of thy -foes. - - -117. A soldier was bragging before Julius Caesar of the wounds he had -received in his face. Caesar, knowing him to be a coward, told him he had -best take heed the next time he ran away, how he looked back. - - -118. The Trojans sending ambassadors to condole with Tiberius, upon the -death of his father-in-law, Augustus, it was so long after, that the -emperor hardly thought it a compliment; but told them he was likewise -sorry that they had lost so valiant a knight as Hector [slain above a -thousand years before]. - - -119. Cato Major used to say, That wise men learnt more from fools, than -fools from wise men. - - -120. A braggadocio chancing, upon an occasion, to run away full speed, -was asked by one, What was become of that courage he used so much to -talk of? It is got, said he, all into my heels. - - -121. Somebody asked my Lord Bacon what he thought of poets? Why, said -he, I think them the very best writers next to those who write in prose. - - -122. A profligate young nobleman, being in company with some sober -people, desired leave to toast the devil. The gentleman, who sat next to -him, said, He had no objection to any of his lordship's friends. - - -123. A Scotsman was very angry with an English gentleman, who, he said, -had abused him, and called him, false Scot. Indeed, said the Englishman, -I said no such thing, but that you were a true Scot. - - -124. The late Commissary-General G--ley, who once kept a glass-shop, -having Colonel P--c--k's regiment under a muster, made great complaints -of the men's appearance, &c., and said that the regiment ought to be -broke. Then, sir, said the Colonel, perhaps you think a regiment is as -soon broke as a looking-glass. - - -125. Curll, the bookseller, being under examination at the bar of the -House of Lords, for publishing the posthumous works of the late Duke of -Buckingham, without leave of the family, told their Lordships in his -defence, That if the duke was living, he was sure he would readily -pardon the offence. - - -126. Mr. E--ll--s, the painter, having finished a very good picture of -Figg, the prize-fighter, who had been famous in getting the better of -several Irishmen of the same profession, the piece was shown to old -Johnson the player, who was told at the same time, that Mr. E--ll--s -designed to have a mezzotinto print taken from it, but wanted a motto to -be put under it. Then, said old Johnson, I'll give you one: A Fig for -the Irish. - - -127. A gentleman coming to an inn in Smithfield, and seeing the ostler -expert and tractable about the horses, asked how long he had lived -there, and what countryman he was? I'se Yorkshire, said the fellow, and -ha' lived sixteen years here. I wonder, replied the gentleman, that, in -so long a time, so clever a fellow as you seem to be, have not come to -be master of the inn yourself. Ay, answered the ostler, but maister's -Yorkshire too. - - -128. The late Colonel Chartres, reflecting on his ill life and -character, told a certain nobleman, that if such a thing as a good name -was to be purchased, he would freely give 10,000_l._ for one. The -nobleman said, it would certainly be the worst money he ever laid out in -his life. Why so? said the honest Colonel. Because, answered the lord, -you would forfeit it again in less than a week. - - -129. A seedy, poor, half-pay captain, who was much given to blabbing -everything he heard, was told, There was but one secret in the world he -could keep, and that was, where he lodged. - - -130. Jack M--n going one day into the apartments in St. James's, found a -lady of his acquaintance sitting in one of the windows, who very -courteously asked him to sit down by her, telling him there was a place. -No, madam, said he, I do not come to court for a place. If the gentle -reader should have a desire to repeat this story, let him not make the -same blunder that a certain English-Irish foolish lord did, who made the -lady ask Jack to sit down by her, telling him there was room. - - -131. A certain lady of quality sending her Irish footman to fetch home a -pair of new stays, strictly charged him to take coach if it rained, for -fear of wetting them: but a great shower of rain falling, the fellow -returned with the stays dropping wet; and being severely reprimanded for -not doing as he was ordered to do, he said, he had obeyed her orders. -How then, answered the lady, could the stays be wet, if you took them -into the coach with you? No, replied Teague, I knew my place better, I -did not go into the coach, but rode behind, as I always used to do. - - -132. Tom Warner, the late publisher of newspapers and pamphlets, being -very near his end, a gentlewoman in the neighbourhood sending her maid -to inquire how he did? he bid the girl tell her mistress, That he hoped -he was going to the new Jerusalem. Ay, dear sir, said she, I dare say -the air of Islington would do you more good. - - -133. The deputies of Rochelle attending to speak with Henry the Fourth -of France, met with a physician who had renounced the Protestant -religion, and embraced the Popish communion, whom they began to revile -most grievously. The king, hearing of it, told the deputies, he advised -them to change their religion too; for it is a dangerous symptom, said -he, that your religion is not long lived, when a physician has given it -over. - - -134. Two Oxford scholars meeting on the road with a Yorkshire ostler, -they fell to bantering him, and told the fellow that they would prove -him to be a horse or an ass. Well, said the ostler, and I can prove your -saddle to be a mule. A mule! cried one of them, how can that be? -Because, said the ostler, it is something between a horse and an ass. - - -135. A Frenchman travelling between Dover and London, came into an inn -to lodge, when the host, perceiving him a close-fisted cur, having -called for nothing but a pint of beer and a pennyworth of bread, to eat -with a salad he gathered by the way, resolved to fit him for it, -therefore seemed to pay him an extraordinary respect, laid him a clean -cloth for supper, and complimented him with the best bed in the house. -In the morning he set a good salad before him, with cold meat, butter, -&c., which provoked the monsieur to the generosity of calling for -half-a-pint of wine; then coming to pay, the host gave him a bill, -which, for the best bed, wine, salad, and other appurtenances, he had -enhanced to the value of twenty shillings. Jernie, says the Frenchman, -twenty shillings! Vat you mean? But all his spluttering was in vain; for -the host, with a great deal of tavern elocution, made him sensible -nothing could be abated. The monsieur, therefore, seeing no remedy but -patience, seemed to pay it cheerfully. After which, he told the host, -that his house being extremely troubled with rats, he could give him a -receipt to drive them away, so as they should never return again. The -host being very desirous to be rid of those troublesome guests, who were -every day doing him one mischief or another, at length concluded to give -monsieur twenty shillings for a receipt: which done, Big-gar, says the -monsieur, you make a de rat one such bill as you make me, and if ever -dey trouble your house again, me will be hang. - - -136. A Westminster justice taking coach in the city, and being set down -at Youngman's Coffee-house, Charing Cross, the driver demanded -eighteenpence as his fare, the justice asked him if he would swear the -ground came to the money. The man said, He would take his oath on't. The -justice replied, Friend, I'm a magistrate; and pulling the book out of -his pocket, administered the oath, and then gave the fellow sixpence, -saying, he must reserve the shilling to himself for the affidavit. - - -137. A countryman passing along the Strand, saw a coach overturned, and -asking what the matter was, he was told, That three or four members of -parliament were overturned in that coach. Oh! says he, there let them -lie; my father always advised me not to meddle with state affairs. - - -138. One saying that Mr. Dennis was an excellent critic, was answered, -That indeed his writings were much to be valued; for that by his -criticism, he taught men how to write well; and by his poetry showed -them what it was to write ill; so that the world was sure to edify by -him. - - -139. One going to see a friend who had lain a considerable time in the -Marshalsea prison, in a starving condition, was persuading him, rather -than lie there in that miserable case, to go to sea; which not agreeing -with his high spirit, I thank you for your advice, replied the prisoner, -but if I go to sea, I'm resolved it shall be upon good ground. - - -140. A drunken fellow carrying his wife's bible to pawn for a quartern -of gin, to an ale-house, the man of the house refused to take it. What, -said the fellow, will neither my word nor the word of God pass with you? - - -141. A certain Justice of the Peace not far from Clerkenwell, in the -first year of King George the First, when his clerk was reading a -mittimus to him, coming to Anno Domini 1714, he cried out with some -warmth, And why not Georgio Domini? sure, you forget yourself strangely. - - -142. A certain nobleman, a courtier, in the beginning of the late reign, -coming out of the House of Lords, accosted the Duke of Buckingham, with, -How does your pot boil, my lord, these troublesome times? To which his -grace replied, I never go into my kitchen, but I dare say the scum is -uppermost. - - -143. The Lord North and Grey being once at an assembly at the Theatre -Royal in the Haymarket, was pleased to tell Mr. Heidigger, he would make -him a present of 100_l._, if he could produce an uglier face in the -whole kingdom, than his, the said Heidigger's, within a year and a day. -Mr. Heidigger went instantly and fetched a looking-glass, and presented -it to his lordship, saying, He did not doubt but that his lordship had -honour enough to keep his promise. - - -144. A person who had an unmeasurable stomach, coming to a cook-shop to -dine, said, it was not his way to have his meat cut, but to pay 8_d._ -for his ordinary; which the cook seemed to think reasonable enough, and -so set a shoulder of mutton before him of a half-crown price, to cut -where he pleased; with which he so played the cormorant, that he -devoured all but the bone, paid his ordinary and trooped off. The next -time he came, the cook casting a sheep's-eye at him, desired him to -agree for his victual, for he'd have no more ordinaries. Why? says he, I -am sure I paid you an ordinary price. - - -145. The extravagant Duke of Buckingham (Villiers) once said in a -melancholy humour, he was afraid he should die a beggar, which was the -most terrible thing in the world; upon which a friend of his grace -replied, No, my lord, there is a more terrible thing than that, and -which you have reason to fear, and that is, that you will live a beggar. - - -146. The same noble Duke, another time, was making his complaint to Sir -John Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him -what he should do to prevent the ruin of his estate? Live as I do, my -lord, said Sir John. That I can do, answered the duke, when I am ruined. - - -147. At another time a person who had long been a dependant on His -Grace, begged his interest for him at court; and to press the thing more -home upon the duke, said, he had nobody to depend upon but God and His -Grace. Then, said the duke, you are in a miserable way; for you could -not have pitched upon any two persons who have less interest at court. - - -148. The old Lord Strangford taking a bottle with the parson of the -parish, was commending his own wine: Here, doctor, said he, I can send a -couple of ho-ho-hounds to Fra-Fra-France (for his lordship had a great -impediment in his speech) and have a ho-ho-hogs-head of this wine for -them: What do you say to that, doctor? Why, replied he, I say, that your -lordship has your wine dog cheap. - - -149. The famous Jack Ogle of facetious memory, having borrowed on note -five pounds, and failing the payment, the gentleman who had lent it, -indiscreetly took occasion to talk of it in the public coffee-house, -which obliged Jack to take notice of it, so that it came to a challenge. -Being got into the field, the gentleman, a little tender in point of -courage, offered him the note to make the matter up, to which our hero -consented readily, and had the note delivered. But now, said the -gentleman, if we should return without fighting, our companions will -laugh at us; therefore, let's give one another a slight scar, and say we -wounded one another. With all my heart, says Jack; come, I'll wound you -first; so drawing his sword, he whipt it through the fleshy part of his -antagonist's arm, till he brought the very tears in his eyes. This being -done, and the wound tied up with a handkerchief: Come, said the -gentleman, where shall I wound you? Jack putting himself in a fighting -posture, cried, Where you can, good sir. Well, well, said the other, I -can swear I received this wound of you; and so marched off contentedly. - - -150. A traveller coming into an inn once, on a very cold night, stood so -near the fire that he burned his boots. An arch rogue that sat in the -chimney corner, called out to him, Sir, you'll burn your spurs -presently. My boots you mean, I suppose? No, sir, said he, they are -burned already. - - -151. In eighty-eight, when Queen Elizabeth went from Temple Bar along -Fleet Street, on some procession, the lawyers were ranged on one side of -the way, and the citizens on the other; says the Lord Bacon, then a -student, to a lawyer that stood next to him, Do but observe the -courtiers; if they bow first to the citizens, they are in debt; if to -us, they are in law. - - -152. Some gentlemen having a hare for supper at a tavern, the cook, -instead of a pudding, had crammed the belly full of thyme, but had not -above half roasted the hare, the legs being almost raw; which one of the -company observing, said, There was too much thyme (time) in the belly, -and too little in the legs. - - -153. Two countrymen, who had never seen a play in their lives, nor had -any notion of it, went to the theatre in Drury Lane, when they placed -themselves snug in the corner of the middle gallery; the first music -played, which they liked well enough; then the second and third, to -their great satisfaction: at length the curtain drew up, and three or -four actors entered to begin the play; upon which one of the countrymen -cried to the other, Come, Hodge, let's be going, mayhap the gentlemen -are talking about business. - - -154. A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding that way, -called to him with an insolent air, Well, honest fellow, said one of -them, 'tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour. -To which the countryman replied, 'Tis very likely you may, truly; for I -am sowing hemp. - - -155. Two inseparable comrades who rode in the guards in Flanders, had -everything in common between them. One of them being an extravagant -fellow, and unfit to be trusted with money, the other was always -purse-bearer, which yet he gained little by, for the former would at -night frequently pick his pocket to the last stiver; to prevent which, -he bethought himself of a stratagem; and coming among his companions the -next day, he told them he had bit his comrade. Ah, how? said they. Why, -replied he, I hid my money in his own pocket last night, and I was sure -he would never look for it there. - - -156. The famous Sir George Rook, when he was a captain in the marines, -was quartered at a village where he buried a pretty many of his men; at -length the parson refused to perform the ceremony of their interment -unless he was paid for it; which being told Captain Rook, he ordered six -men of his company to carry the corpse of the soldier then dead, and lay -him upon the parson's hall-table. This so embarrassed the parson, that -he sent the captain word, if he would fetch the man away, he would bury -him and all his company for nothing. - - -157. A reverend and charitable divine, for the benefit of the country -where he resided, caused a large causeway to be begun; and as he was one -day overlooking the work, a certain nobleman came by: Well, doctor, said -he, for all your great pains and charity, I don't take this to be the -highway to heaven. Very true, replied the doctor, for if it had, I -should have wondered to have met your lordship here. - - -158. Two Jesuits having packed together an innumerable parcel of -miraculous lies, a person who heard them, without taking upon him to -contradict them, told them one of his own: That at St. Alban's there was -a stone cistern, in which water was always preserved for the use of that -saint, and that ever since, if a swine should drink out of it, he would -instantly die. The Jesuits, hugging themselves at the story, set out the -next day to St. Alban's, where they found themselves miserably deceived. -On their return, they upbraided the person with telling them so -monstrous a story. Look you there now, said he, you told me a hundred -lies t'other night, and I had more breeding than to contradict you: I -told you but one, and you have rid twenty miles to confute me, which is -very uncivil. - - -159. A Welchman and an Englishman vapouring one day at the fruitfulness -of their countries, the Englishman said, there was a close near the town -where he was born, which was so very fertile, that if a kiboo was thrown -in overnight, it would be so covered with grass that it should be -difficult to find it the next day. Splut, said the Welchman, what's -that? There's a close where hur was born, where you may put your horse -in overnight, and not be able to find him next morning. - - -160. A country fellow in Charles the Second's time, selling his load of -hay in the Haymarket, two gentlemen who came out of the Blue Posts, were -talking of affairs; one said, that things did not go right, the king had -been at the house and prorogued the parliament. The countryman coming -home, was asked, What news in London? Odd's heart, said he, there's -something to do there, the king has, it seems, berogued the parliament -sadly. - - -161. A wild young gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous -young lady, the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out at -his return that she was dead, and had been buried. In the meantime, she -had so placed herself in disguise, as to be able to observe how he took -the news; and finding him still the gay, inconstant man he always had -been, she appeared to him as the ghost of herself, at which he seemed -not at all dismayed; at length, disclosing herself to him, he then -appeared pretty much surprised; a person by said, Why, sir, you seem -more afraid now than before! Ay, replied he, most men are more afraid of -a living wife than of a dead one. - - -162. An under officer of the Customs at the port of Liverpool, running -heedlessly along the ship's gunnel, happened to tip overboard, and was -drowned; being soon after taken up, the coroner's jury was summoned to -sit upon the body. One of the jurymen returning home, was called to by -an alderman of the town, and asked, what verdict they brought in, and -whether they found it _felo de se_? Ay, ay, says the juryman, shaking -his noddle, he fell into the sea, sure enough. - - -163. One losing a bag of money of about 50_l._ between the Temple Gate -and Temple Bar, fixed a paper up, offering 10_l._ reward to those who -took it up, and should return it; upon which the person that had it, -came and writ underneath to the following effect: Sir, I thank you, but -you bid me to my loss. - - -164. Two brothers coming to be executed once for some enormous crime, -the eldest was turned off first, without speaking one word; the other -mounting the ladder, began to harangue the crowd, whose ears were -attentively open to hear him, expecting some confession from him. Good -people, says he, my brother hangs before my face, and you see what a -lamentable spectacle he makes; in a few moments I shall be turned off -too, and then you will see a pair of spectacles. - - -165. It was an usual saying of King Charles II., that sailors got their -money like horses, and spent it like asses. The following story is -somewhat an instance of it; one sailor coming to see another on pay-day, -desired to borrow twenty shillings of him. The monied man fell to -telling out the sum in shillings, but a half-crown thrusting its head -in, put him out, and he began to tell again; but then an impertinent -crown-piece was as officious as his half brother had been, and again -interrupted the tale; so that taking up a handful of silver, he cried, -Here, Jack, give me a handful when your ship's paid; what signifies -counting it? - - -166. A person inquiring what became of Such-a-one? Oh, dear, says one of -the company, poor fellow, he died insolvent, and was buried by the -parish. Died insolvent! cries another, that's a lie, for he died in -England: I am sure, I was at his burying. - - -167. A humorous countryman having bought a barn in partnership with a -neighbor of his, neglected to make the least use of it, whilst the other -had plentifully stored his part with corn and hay. In a little time the -latter came to him, and conscientiously expostulated with him about -laying out his money so fruitlessly. Pray neighbour, says he, ne'er -trouble your head, you may do what you will with your part of the barn, -but I will set mine o' fire. - - -168. A young gentlewoman, who had married a very wild spark, that had -run through a plentiful fortune, and was reduced to some straits, was -innocently saying to him one day, My dear, I want some shifts sadly. How -can that be? replied he, when we make so many every day. - - -169. A fellow once standing in the pillory at Temple Bar, it occasioned -a stop, so that a carman with a load of cheeses had much ado to pass; -and driving just up to the pillory, he was asked, What that was that was -writ over the person's head? They told him, it was a paper to signify -his crime, that he stood for forgery. Ay! said he, What is forgery? They -answered him, That forgery was counterfeiting another's hand, with -intent to cheat people. To which the carman replied, looking up at the -offender, Oh, this comes of your writing and reading, you silly dog. - - -170. When the Prince of Orange came over, five of the seven bishops who -were sent to the Tower, declared for his highness, and the two others -would not come into measures; upon which, Mr. Dryden said, that the -seven Golden Candlesticks were sent to be assayed at the Tower, and five -of them proved to be prince's metal. - - -171. A dog coming open-mouthed at a serjeant on a march, he ran the -spear of his halbert into his throat and killed him. The owner coming -out, raved extremely that his dog was killed, and asked the serjeant, -Why he could not as well have struck at him with the blunt end of the -halbert? So I would, said he, if he had run at me with his tail. - - -172. King Charles II. being in company with Lord Rochester and others of -the nobility, who had been drinking best part of the night, Killigrew -came in. Now, says the king, we shall hear of our faults. No, faith, -says Killigrew, I don't care to trouble my head with that which all the -town talks of. - - -173. One, who had been a very termagant wife, lying on her death-bed, -desired her husband, That as she had brought him a fortune, she might -have liberty to make her will, for bestowing a few legacies to her -relations. No, madam, says he, you have had your will all your lifetime, -and now I will have mine. - - -174. When the Lord Jeffries, before he was a judge, was pleading at the -bar once, a country fellow giving evidence against his client, pushed -the matter very home on the side he swore of. Jeffries, after his usual -way, called out to the fellow, Hark you, you fellow in the leather -doublet, what have you for swearing? To which the countryman smartly -replied, Faith, sir, if you have no more for lying than I have for -swearing, you may go in a leather doublet too. - - -175. The same Jeffries afterward on the bench, told an old fellow with a -long beard, that he supposed he had a conscience as long as his beard. -Does your lordship, replied the old man, measure consciences by beards? -If so, your lordship has no beard at all. - - -176. Apelles, the famous painter, having drawn the picture of Alexander -the Great on horseback, brought it and presented it to the prince; but -he not bestowing that praise on it which so excellent a piece deserved, -Apelles desired a living horse might be brought; who, moved by nature, -fell a prancing and neighing, as though it had been actually a living -creature of the same species; whereupon Apelles told Alexander, That his -horse understood painting better than himself. - - -177. A company of gamesters falling out at a tavern, gave one another -very scurvy language; at length, those dreadful messengers of anger, the -bottles and glasses, flew about like hail shot; one of which mistaking -its errand, and hitting the wainscot instead of the person's head it was -thrown at, brought the drawer rushing in, who cried, D'ye call, -gentlemen? Call gentlemen, said one of the standers by, no, they don't -call gentlemen, but they call one another rogue and rascal as fast as -they can. - - -178. One observing a crooked fellow in close argument with another, who -would have dissuaded him from some inconsiderable resolution, said to -his friend, Prithee let him alone, and say no more to him, you see he's -bent upon it. - - -179. Bully Dawson was overturned in a hackney-coach once, pretty near -his lodgings; and being got on his legs again, he said, 'Twas the -greatest piece of providence that ever befell him, for it had saved him -the trouble of bilking the coachman. - - -180. Sir Godfrey Kneller and the late Dr. Ratcliffe had a garden in -common, with a common gate: Sir Godfrey upon some occasion, ordered the -gate to be nailed up. When the doctor heard of it, he said he did not -care what Sir Godfrey did to the gate, so he did not paint it. This -being told Sir Godfrey, he replied he would take that, or anything else, -from his good friend Dr. Ratcliffe, but his physic. - - -181. A certain worthy gentleman having among his friends the nickname of -Bos, which was a kind of contraction of his real name; when his late -majesty conferred the honour of a peerage upon him, a pamphlet was soon -after published, with many sarcastical jokes upon him, and had this part -of a line from Horace as a motto, viz., "_Optat epipipa Bos_." My lord -asked a friend who could read Latin, What that meant? It is as much as -to say, my lord, said he, that you become honours as a sow does a -saddle. Oh! very fine! said my lord. Soon after, another friend coming -to see him, the pamphlet was again spoken of. I would, says my lord, -give five hundred pounds to know the author of it. I don't know the -author of the pamphlet, said his friend, but I know who wrote the motto. -Ay, cried my lord, prithee who was it? Horace, answered the other. How, -replied his lordship, a dirty dog, is that the return he makes for all -the services I have done him and his brother? - - -182. In the great dispute between South and Sherlock, the former, who -was a great courtier, said, His adversary reasoned well, but he barked -like a cur. To which the other replied, That fawning was the property of -a cur as well as barking. - - -183. Second thoughts, we commonly say, are best, and young women, who -pretend to be averse to marriage, desire not to be taken at their words. -One asking a girl, If she would have him? Faith, no, John, says she, but -you may have me, if you will. - - -184. A gentleman lying on his death-bed, called to his coachman, who had -been an old servant, and said, Ah, Tom, I am going a long and rugged -journey, worse than ever you drove me. Oh, dear sir, replied the fellow, -(he having been but an indifferent master to him,) ne'er let that -discourage you, for it is all down hill. - - -185. An honest bluff country farmer, meeting the parson of the parish in -a bye lane, and not giving him the way so readily as he expected, the -parson with an erected crest, told him he was better fed than taught. -Very true, indeed, sir, replied the farmer, for you teach me, and I feed -myself. - - -186. One making a furious assault upon a hot apple pie, burned his mouth -until the tears ran down, his friend asked him, Why he wept? Only, said -he, because it is just come into my mind, that my grandmother died this -day twelvemonth. Phoo, said the other, is that all? so whipping a large -piece into his mouth, he quickly sympathized with his companion; who -seeing his eyes brim full, with a malicious sneer, asked him why he -wept? Because you were not hanged the same day your grandmother died. - - -187. A lady who had married a gentleman that was a tolerable poet, one -day sitting alone with him, she said, Come, my dear, you write upon -other people, prithee write something for me; let me see what epitaph -you'll bestow upon me when I die. Oh, my dear, replied he, that's a -melancholy subject, prithee don't think of it. Nay, upon my life you -shall, adds she. Come, I'll begin-- - - Here lies Bid- - To which he answered, - Ah! I wish she did. - - -188. A cowardly servant having been hunting with his lord, they had -killed a wild boar; the fellow seeing the boar stir, betook himself to a -tree; upon which his master called to him, and asked him What he was -afraid of? the boar's guts are out. No matter for that, said he, his -teeth are in. - - -189. One telling another that he had once so excellent a gun, that it -went off immediately upon a thief's coming into the house, although it -was not charged. How the devil can that be? said the other. Because, -said the first, the thief carried it off; and what was worse, before I -had time to charge him with it. - - -190. Some gentlemen coming out of a tavern pretty merry, a link-boy -cried, Have a light, gentlemen? Light yourself to the devil, you dog, -said one of the company. Bless you, master, replied the boy, we can find -the way in the dark; shall we light your worship thither? - - -191. A person was once tried at Kingston before the late Lord Chief -Justice Holt, for having two wives, where one Unit was to have been the -chief evidence against him. After much calling for him, word was brought -that they could hear nothing of him. No! says his lordship, why then, -all I can say is, Mr. Unit stands for a cipher. - - -192. It is certainly the most transcendent pleasure to be agreeably -surprised with the confession of love from an adored mistress. A young -gentleman, after a very great misfortune, came to his mistress, and told -her, he was reduced even to the want of five guineas. To which she -replied, I am glad of it, with all my heart. Are you so, madam? adds he, -suspecting her constancy: Pray, why so? Because, said she, I can furnish -you with five thousand. - - -193. On a public night of rejoicing, when bonfires and illuminations -were made, some honest fellows were drinking the king's health, and -prosperity to England as long as the sun and moon endured. Ay, says one, -and 500 years after, for I have put both my sons apprentices to a -tallow-chandler. - - -194. A young fellow having made an end of all he had, even to his last -suit of clothes, one said to him, Now, I hope, you'll own yourself a -happy man, for you have made an end of all your cares. How so? said the -gentleman. Because, said the other, you have nothing left to take care -of. - - -195. Dr. Lloyd, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his prophecies, when -by his solicitations and compliance at court, he got removed from a poor -Welsh bishopric, to a rich English one, a reverend Dean of the church -said, that he found his brother Lloyd spelt prophet with an _f_. - - -196. Some years ago, when his majesty used to hunt frequently in -Richmond Park, it brought such crowds of people thither, that orders -were given to admit none, when the king was there himself, but the -servants of his household. A fat country parson having on one of these -days a great inclination to make one of the company, Captain B--d--ns -promised to introduce him; but coming to the gate, the keepers would -have stopped him, by telling him that none but the household were to be -admitted. Why, said the captain, don't you know the gentleman? He's his -majesty's hunting chaplain. Upon which, the keepers asked pardon, and -left the reverend gentleman to his recreation. - - -197. The learned Mr. Charles Barnard, serjeant-surgeon to Queen Anne, -being very severe upon parsons having pluralities, a reverend and worthy -divine heard him a good while with patience, but at length took him up -with this question: Why do you, Mr. Serjeant Barnard, rail thus at -pluralities, who have always so many fine cures upon your hands? - - -198. A worthy old gentleman in the country having employed an attorney, -of whom he had a pretty good opinion, to do some law business for him in -London, he was greatly surprised, on his coming to town, and demanding -his bill of law charges, to find that it amounted to at least three -times the sum he expected; the honest attorney assured him, that there -was no article in his bill, but what was fair and reasonable. Nay, said -the country gentleman, there's one of them I am sure cannot be so, for -you have set down three shillings and fourpence for going to Southwark, -when none of my business lay that way; pray, what is the meaning of -that, sir? Oh, sir, said he, that was for fetching the chine and turkey -from the carrier's that you sent me for a present out of the country. - - -199. A gentleman going into a meeting-house, and stumbling over one of -the forms that were set there, cried out in a passion, Who expected set -forms in a meeting-house? - - -200. My Lord Chief Justice Jeffries had a cause before him between a Jew -that was plaintiff, and a Christian defendant. The latter pleaded, -though the debt was very just, that the Jew had no right, by the laws of -England, to bring an action. Well, says my lord, have you no other plea? -No, my lord, says he, I insist on this plea. Do you? said my lord, then -let me tell you, you are the greater Jew of the two. - - -201. A butcher in Smithfield, that lay on his death-bed, said to his -wife, My dear, I am not a man for this world, therefore I advise you to -marry our man John. Oh, dear husband, said she, if that's all, never let -it trouble you, for John and I have agreed that matter already. - - -202. A gentleman having bespoke a supper at an inn, desired his landlord -to sup with him. The host came up, and thinking to pay a greater -compliment than ordinary to his guest, pretended to find fault with the -laying the cloth, and took the plates and knives, and threw them down -stairs. The gentleman resolving not to balk his humour, threw the -bottles and glasses down also; at which the host being surprised, -inquired the reason of his so doing. Nay, nothing, replied the -gentleman; but when I saw you throw the plates and knives down stairs, I -thought you had a mind to sup below. - - -203. A philosopher carrying something hid under his cloak, an -impertinent person asked him what he had under his cloak? To which the -philosopher answered, I carry it there that you might not know. - - -204. When his late majesty, in coming from Holland, happened to meet -with a violent storm at sea, the captain of the yacht cried to the -chaplain, In five minutes more, doctor, we shall be with the Lord. The -Lord forbid, answered the doctor. - - -205. A gentleman, who had been a great traveller, would oftentimes talk -so extravagantly of the wonderful things he had seen abroad, that a -friend of his took notice to him of his exposing himself as he did to -all companies, and asked him the meaning of it? Why, says the traveller, -I have got such a habit of lying since I have been abroad, that I really -hardly know when I lie, and when I speak truth; and should be very much -obliged to you, if you would tread upon my toe at any time when I am -likely to give myself too much liberty that way. His friend promised he -would; and accordingly, not long after, being at a tavern with him and -other company, when the traveller was, amongst other strange things, -giving an account of a church he had seen in Italy, that was above two -miles long, he trod on his toe, just as one of the company had asked, -How broad that same church might be? Oh, said he, not above two feet. -Upon which, the company bursting into a loud laugh; Zounds, said he, if -you had not trod upon my toe, I should have made it as broad as it was -long. - - -206. A justice of peace seeing a parson on a very stately horse, riding -between London and Hampstead, said to some gentlemen who were with him, -Do you see what a beautiful horse that proud parson has got? I'll banter -him a little. Doctor, said he, you don't follow the example of your -great master, who was humbly content to ride upon an ass. Why really, -sir, replied the parson, the king has made so many asses justices, that -an honest clergyman can hardly find one to ride, if he had a mind to. - - -207. The Duchess of Newcastle, who wrote plays and romances, in King -Charles the Second's time, asked Bishop Wilkins, How she could get up to -the world in the moon, which he had discovered; for as the journey must -needs be very long, there would be no possibility of going through it, -without resting on the way? Oh, madam, said the bishop, your grace has -built so many castles in the air, that you can never want a place to -bait at. - - -208. A rich farmer's son, who had been bred at the University, coming -home to visit his father and mother, they being one night at supper on a -couple of fowls, he told them, that by Logic and Arithmetic, he could -prove those two fowls to be three. Well, let us hear, said the old man. -Why this, cried the scholar, is one, and this, continued he, is two; two -and one, you know, make three. Since you have made it out so well, -answered the old man, your mother shall have the first fowl, I will have -the second, and the third you may keep yourself for your great learning. - - -209. A gentleman, who had a suit in Chancery, was called upon by his -counsel to put in his answer, for fear of incurring contempt. And why, -said the gentleman, is not my answer put in? How should I draw your -answer, cried the lawyer, 'till I know what you can swear? Pshaw, -replied the client, prithee do your part as a lawyer, and draw a -sufficient answer, and let me alone to do the part of a gentleman, and -swear to it. - - -210. A country lass, with a pail of milk on her head going to market, -was reckoning all the way, what she might make of it. This milk, said -she, will bring me so much money, that money will buy so many eggs, -those eggs so many chickens, and, with the fox's leave, those chickens -will make me mistress of a pig, and that pig may grow a fat hog, and -when I have sold that, I may buy a cow and calf: and then, says she, -comes a sweetheart, perhaps a farmer; him I marry, and my neighbours -will say, How do you do, goody Such-a-one? and I'll answer, Thank you, -neighbour, how do you? But maybe my sweetheart may be a yeoman, and then -it will be, How do you do, Mrs. Such-a-one? I'll say, Thank you. Oh! but -suppose I should marry a gentleman; then they'll say, Your servant, -madam, but then I'll toss up my head, and say nothing. Upon the sudden -transport of this thought, and with the motion of her head, down came -the milk, which put an end at once to her fine scheme of her eggs, her -chickens, her pig, her hog, and her husband. - - -211. Daniel Purcell, who was a nonjuror, was telling a friend of his, -when King George the First landed at Greenwich, that he had a full view -of him. Then, said his friend, you know him by sight? Yes, replied -Daniel, I think I know him, but I can't swear to him. - - -212. An Englishman going into one of the French ordinaries in Soho, and -finding a large dish of soup with about half-a-pound of mutton in the -middle of it, began to pull off his wig, his stock, and then his coat; -at which one of the monsieurs, being much surprised, asked him what he -was going to do? Why, monsieur, I mean to strip, that I may swim through -this ocean of porridge, to yon little island of mutton. - - -213. A countryman driving an ass by St. James's gate one day, which -being dull and restive, he was forced to beat it very much; a gentleman -coming out of the gate, chid the fellow for using his beast so cruelly; -Oh dear, sir, said the countryman, I am glad to find my ass has a friend -at court. - - -214. One Irishman meeting another, asked, What was become of their old -acquaintance Patrick Murphy? Arrah, now, dear honey, answered the other, -poor Pat was condemned to be hanged; but he saved his life by dying in -prison. - -215. Another Irishman, getting on a high-mettled horse, it ran away with -him; upon which, one of his companions called to him to stop him: Arrah, -honey, cried he, how can I do that, when I have got no spurs? - - -216. An honest Welch carpenter, coming out of Cardiganshire, got work in -Bristol, where, in a few months, he had saved, besides his expenses, -about twelve shillings; and with this prodigious sum of money, returning -into his own country, when he came upon Mile Hill, he looked back on the -town: Ah, poor Pristow, said he, if one or two more of hur countrymen -were to give hur such another shake as hur has done, it would be poor -Pristow indeed. - - -217. It being asked in company with my Lord C--d, whether the piers of -Westminster bridge would be of stone or wood, Oh, said my lord, of stone -to be sure, for we have too many wooden piers (peers) already at -Westminster. - - -218. One telling Charles XII. of Sweden, just before the battle of -Narva, that the enemy was three to one; I am glad to hear it, answered -the king, for then there will be enough to kill, enough to take -prisoners, and enough to run away. - - -219. A poor ingenious lad, who was a servitor at Oxford, not having -wherewithal to buy a new pair of shoes, when his old ones were very bad, -got them capped at the toes, upon which being bantered by some of his -companions, Why should they not be capped, said he, I am sure they are -Fellows. - - -220. The standers-by, to comfort a poor man, who lay on his death-bed, -told him, he should be carried to church by four very proper fellows: I -thank ye, said he, but I had much rather go by myself. - - -221. When poor Daniel Button died, one of his punning customers being at -his burial, and looking on the grave, cried out, This is a more lasting -Button hole, than any made by a tailor. - - -222. A toping fellow was one night making his will over his bottle: I -will give, said he, fifty pounds to five taverns, to drink to my memory -when I am dead; ten pounds to the Salutation for courtiers; ten pounds -to the Castle for soldiers; ten pounds to the Mitre for parsons; ten -pounds to the Horn for citizens; and ten pounds to the Devil for the -lawyers. - - -223. A gentleman calling for small beer at another gentleman's table, -finding it very hard, gave it the servant again without drinking. What, -said the master of the house, don't you like the beer? It is not to be -found fault with, answered the other, for one should never speak ill of -the dead. - - -224. A certain lord who had a termagant wife, and at the same time a -chaplain who was a tolerable poet, my lord desired him to write him a -copy of verses on a shrew. I cannot imagine, said the parson, why your -lordship should want a copy, who have so good an original. - - -225. A parson in his sermon having vehemently inveighed against usury, -and said, That lending money upon use was as great a sin as wilful -murder; having some time after an occasion to borrow twenty pounds -himself, and coming to one of his parishioners with that intent, the -other asked him, If he would have him guilty of a crime he had spoke so -much against, and lend out money upon use? No, said the parson, I would -have you lend it gratis. Ay, replied the other, but in my opinion, if -lending money upon use be as bad as wilful murder, lending it gratis can -be little better than _felo de se_. - - -226. One asked his friend, Why he, being so tall and large a man -himself, had married so small a wife. Why, friend, said he, I thought -you had known, that of all evils we should choose the least. - - -227. A gentleman threatening to go to law, was dissuaded from it by his -friends, who desired him to consider, for the law was chargeable: I -don't care, replied the other, I will not consider, I will go to law. -Right, said his friend, for if you go to law, I am sure you don't -consider. - - -228. One good housewife, who was a notable woman at turning and -torturing her old rags, was recommending her dyer to another, as an -excellent fellow in his way: That's impossible, said the other, for I -hear he is a great drunkard, and beats his wife, and runs in every -body's debt. What then? said the first, he may never be the worse dyer -for all these things. No! answered the other, can you imagine so bad a -liver can die well? - - -229. A poor fellow, growing rich on a sudden, from a very mean and -beggarly condition, and taking great state upon him, was met one day by -one of his poor acquaintance, who accosted him in a very humble manner, -but having no notice taken of him, cried out, Nay, it is no great wonder -that you should not know me, when you have forgot yourself. - - -230. Marcus Livius, who was governor of Tarentum when Hannibal took it, -being envious to see so much honour done to Fabius Maximus, said one day -in open senate, that it was himself, not Fabius Maximus, that was the -cause of the retaking the city of Tarentum. Fabius said smilingly, -Indeed thou speakest truth, for hadst thou not lost it, I should never -have retaken it. - - -231. One asking another which way a man might use tobacco to have any -benefit from it: By setting up a shop to sell it, said he, for certainly -there is no profit to be had from it any other way. - - -232. Ben Jonson being one night at the Devil tavern, there was a country -gentleman in the company, who interrupted all other discourse, with an -account of his land and tenements; at last Ben, able to bear it no -longer, said to him, What signifies your dirt and your clods to us? -where you have one acre of land I have ten acres of wit. Have you so, -said the countryman, good Mr. Wiseacre? This unexpected repartee from -the clown, struck Ben quite mute for a time: Why, how now, Ben, said one -of the company, you seem to be quite flung? I never was so pricked by a -hobnail before, replied he. - - -233. A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer for money: the lawyer bid the -boy tell his master, that he was not running away, but very busy at that -time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must needs have the money. -Didst tell thy master, said the lawyer, that I was not running away? -Yes, sir, answered the boy, but he bad me tell you that he was. - - -234. A smart fellow thinking to show his wit one night at the tavern, -called to the drawer, Here, Mercury, said he, take away this bottle full -of emptiness. Said one of the company, Do you speak that, Jack, of your -own head? - - -235. An extravagant young fellow, rallying a frugal country 'squire, who -had a good estate, and spent but little of it, said, among other things, -I'll warrant you that plate-buttoned suit was your great-grandfather's. -Yes, said the other, and I have my great-grandfather's lands too. - - -236. A gentleman having sent for his carpenter's servant to knock a nail -or two in his study, the fellow, after he had done, scratched his ears, -and said, He hoped the gentleman would give him something to make him -drink. Make you drink? says the gentleman, there's a pickle herring for -you, and if that won't make you drink I'll give you another. - - -237. Alphonso, king of Naples, sent a moor, who had been his captive a -long time, to Barbary, with a considerable sum of money to purchase -horses, and to return by such a time. There was about the king a -buffoon, or jester, who had a table-book, wherein he used to register -any remarkable absurdity that happened at court. The day the moor was -dispatched to Barbary, the said jester waiting on the king at supper, -the king called for his table-book, in which the jester kept a regular -journal of absurdities. The king took the book, and read, how Alphonso, -king of Naples, had sent Beltram the moor, who had been a long time his -prisoner, to Morocco, his own country, with so many thousand crowns to -buy horses. The king turned to the jester, and asked, why he inserted -that? Because, said he, I think he will never come back to be a prisoner -again; and so you have lost both man and money. But, if he does come, -says the king, then your jest is marred: No, sir, replies the buffoon, -for if he should return, I will blot out your name, and put in his for a -fool. - - -238. A sharper of the town seeing a country gentleman sit alone at an -inn, and thinking something might be made of him, he went and sat near -him, and took the liberty to drink to him. Having thus introduced -himself, he called for a paper of tobacco, and said, Do you smoke, sir? -Yes, says the gentleman, very gravely, any one that has a design upon -me. - - -239. A certain country farmer was observed never to be in a good humour -when he was hungry; for this reason, his wife was fain carefully to -watch the time of his coming home, and always have dinner ready on the -table; one day he surprised her, and she had only time to set a mess of -broth ready for him, who, soon, according to custom, began to open his -pipes, and maundering over his broth, forgetting what he was about, -burnt his mouth to some purpose. The good wife seeing him in that -sputtering condition, comforted him as follows: See what it is now, had -you kept your breath to cool your pottage, you had not burnt your mouth, -John. - - -240. The same woman taking up dinner once on a Sunday, it happened that -the lickerish plough-boy, who lay under a strong and violent temptation, -pinched off the corner of a plum dumpling; which his dame espying, in a -great rage, laid the wooden ladle over his pate, saying, Can't you stay, -sirrah, till your betters are served before you? The boy clapping his -hand on his head, and seeing the blood come, 'tis very hard, said he. So -it is, sirrah, said she, or it had not broke my ladle. - - -241. Three gentlemen being at a tavern, whose names were Moore, Strange, -and Wright: said the last, There is but one knave in company, and that -is Strange: Yes, answered Strange, there is one Moore: Ay, said Moore, -that's Wright. - - -242. A Scotch bagpiper travelling in Ireland, opened his wallet by a -wood side, and sat down to dinner; no sooner had he said grace, but -three wolves came about him. To one he threw bread, to another meat, -till his provender was all gone--At length he took up his bagpipes, and -began to play, at which the wolves ran away. The deel faw me, said -Sawney, an I had kenned you loved music so, you should have had it -before dinner. - - -243. Metullus Nepos, asking Cicero, the Roman orator, in a scoffing -manner, Who was his father? Cicero replied, Thy mother has made that -question harder for thee to answer. - - -244. The archduke of Austria having been forced to raise the siege of a -town called Grave, in Holland, and to retreat privately in the night; -Queen Elizabeth said to his secretary here,--What, your master is risen -from the grave without sound of trumpet. - - -245. Soon after the death of a great officer, who was judged to have -been no great advancer of the king's affairs, the king said to his -solicitor Bacon, who was kinsman to that lord: Now, Bacon, tell me -truly, what say you of your cousin? Mr. Bacon answered, Since your -Majesty charges me to speak, I will deal plainly with you, and give you -such a character of him, as though I was to write his history. I do -think he was no fit counsellor to have made your affairs better, yet he -was fit to have kept them from growing worse. On my soul, quoth the -king, in the first thou speakest like a true man; and in the latter like -a kinsman. - - -246. The same king in one of his progresses asked, How far it was to -such a town? They told him six miles and a half. He alighted out of his -coach, and went under the shoulder of one of the led horses. When some -asked his majesty what he meant? I must stalk, says he, for yonder town -is shy, and flies me. - - -247. Lawyers and chambermaids, said a wicked young fellow, are like -Balaam's ass, they never speak unless they see an angel. - - -248. One being at his wife's funeral, and the bearers going pretty quick -along, he cried out to them, Don't go so fast, what need we make a toil -of pleasure? - - -249. A country 'squire being in company with his mistress, and wanting -his servant, cried out, Where is the blockhead? Upon your shoulders, -said the lady. - - -250. A philosopher being asked, why learned men frequented rich men's -houses, but rich men seldom visited the learned, answered, That the -first know what they want, but the latter do not. - - -251. Among the articles exhibited to King Henry by the Irish, against -the Earl of Kildare, the last concluded thus:--And finally all Ireland -cannot rule the earl. Then said the king, The earl shall rule all -Ireland: and so made him deputy. - - -252. Plutarch used to say that men of small capacities put into great -places, like statues set upon great pillars, are made to appear the less -by their advancement. - - -253. A young fellow being told that his mistress was married; to -convince him of it, the young gentleman who told him, said, he had seen -the bride and bridegroom. Prithee, said the forsaken swain, do not call -them by those names; I cannot bear it. Shall I call them dog and cat? -answered the other. Oh, no, for heaven's sake, replied the first, that -sounds ten times more like man and wife. - - -254. A sea officer, who for his courage in a former engagement, where he -had lost his leg, had been preferred to the command of a good ship; in -the heat of the next engagement, a cannon-ball took off his wooden -deputy, so that he fell upon the deck: A seaman thinking he had been -fresh wounded, called out for a surgeon. No, no, said the captain, the -carpenter will do this time. - - -255. A gentleman saying he had bought the stockings he had on in Wales. -Really, sir, answered another, I thought so, for they seemed to be -Well-chose, _i. e._ Welch hose. - - -256. A nobleman, in a certain king's reign, being appointed groom of the -stole, his majesty took notice to him of the odd sort of perukes he used -to wear, and desired that he would now get something that was graver, -and more suitable to his age, and the high office he had conferred on -him. The next Sunday his lordship appeared at court in a very decent -peruke, which being observed by another nobleman, famous for the art of -punning, he came up to him, and told him, That he was obliged to alter -his locks now he had got the key.[2] - - [2] The groom of the stole wears a gold key, tied with a blue ribbon, - at his left pocket. - - -257. A gentleman named Ball being about to purchase a cornetcy in a -regiment of horse, was presented to the colonel for approbation, who -being a nobleman, declared he did not like the name, and would have no -Balls in his regiment: Nor powder neither, said the gentleman, if your -lordship could help it. - - -258. Two Irishmen having travelled on foot from Chester to Barnet, were -confoundedly tired and fatigued with their journey; and the more so, -when they were told they had still about ten miles to London. By my soul -and St. Patrick, cries one of them, it is but five miles apiece, let's -e'en walk on. - - -259. Mr. Pope, being at dinner with a noble duke, had his own servant in -livery waiting on him: The duke asked him, Why he, that eat mostly at -other people's tables, should be such a fool as to keep a fellow in -livery only to laugh at him? 'Tis true, answered the poet, he kept but -one to laugh at him; but his grace had the honour to keep a dozen. - - -260. An Irish fellow, vaunting of his birth and family, affirmed, That -when he came first to England, he made such a figure, that the bells -rang through all the towns he passed to London: Ay, said a gentleman in -company, I suppose that was because you came up in a waggon with a -bell-team. - - -261. One meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a -little, asked him, Where he lived? Where do I live--said he, I don't -know; but I starve down towards Wapping and that way. - - -262. Two country attornies overtaking a waggoner on the road, and -thinking to break a joke upon him, asked him, Why his fore-horse was so -fat and the rest so lean? The waggoner knowing them to be limbs of the -law, answered them, That his fore-horse was his lawyer and the rest were -his clients. - - -263. At a cause tried at the King's Bench bar, a witness was produced -who had a very red nose, and one of the counsel, a good impudent fellow, -being desirous to put him out of countenance, called out to him, after -he was sworn--Well, let's hear what you have to say with your copper -nose. Why, sir, said he, by the oath I have taken, I would not exchange -my copper nose for your brazen face. - - -264. A gentleman having received some abuse, in passing through one of -the Inns of Chancery, from some of the impudent clerks, he was advised -to complain to the Principal, which he did accordingly; and coming -before him, accosted him in the following manner: I have been grossly -abused here by some of the rascals of this house, and understanding you -are the principal, I am come to acquaint you with it. - - -265. An old roundhead in Oliver's time, complaining of some heavy rain -that fell, said a cavalier, standing by, What unreasonable fellows you -roundheads are, who will neither be pleased when God rains, nor when the -king reigns. - - -266. A young curate, with more pertness than wit or learning, being -asked in company, How he came to take it into his head to enter into the -ministry of the church? Because, said he, the Lord had need of me. That -may be, replied a gentleman present, for I have often read the Lord had -once need of an ass. - - -267. A very ignorant, but very foppish young fellow, going into a -bookseller's shop with a relation, who went thither to buy something he -wanted, seeing his cousin look into a particular book, and smile, asked -him, What there was in that book that made him smile? Why, answered the -other, this book is dedicated to you, cousin Jack. Is it so? said he, -pray let me see it, for I never knew before that I had had such an -honour done me: upon which, taking it into his hands, he found it to be -Perkin's Catechism, dedicated to all ignorant persons. - - -268. There was a short time when Mr. Handel, notwithstanding his merit, -was deserted, and his opera at the Hay-Market neglected almost by -everybody but his Majesty, for that of Porpora at Lincoln's-Inn-Fields; -at this time another nobleman asking the earl of C----d if he would go -one night to the opera? My lord asked, Which? Oh, to that in the -Hay-Market, answered the other. No, my lord, said the earl, I have no -occasion for a private audience of his majesty to-night. - - -269. Some scholars, on a time, going to steal conies, by the way they -warned a novice amongst them to make no noise, for fear of spoiling -their game: but he no sooner espied some, but he cried out aloud, _Ecce -conniculi multi_. Whereupon the conies ran with all speed into their -burrows; upon which his fellows chiding him--Who, said he, would have -thought that the conies understood Latin? - - -270. A drunken fellow having sold all his goods, to maintain himself at -his pot, except his feather bed, at last made away with that too; when -being reproved for it by some of his friends; Why, said he, I am very -well, thank God, and why should I keep my bed? - - -271. An old lady meeting a Cambridge man, asked him, How her nephew -behaved himself? Truly, madam, says he, he's a brave fellow, and sticks -close to Catherine Hall--[name of a college]. I vow, said she, I feared -as much, he was always hankering after the girls from a boy. - - -272. A gentleman being arrested for a pretty large sum of money, sent to -an acquaintance, who had often professed a great friendship for him, to -beg he would bail him; the other told him, that he had promised never to -be bail for anybody; but with much kindness said, I'll tell you what you -may do, you may get somebody else if you can. - - -273. When king Charles the First was in great anxiety about signing the -warrant for the Earl of Strafford's execution, saying, it was next to -death to part with so able a minister, and so loyal a subject; a certain -favorite of the king's standing by, soon resolved his majesty, by -telling him, that in such an exigence, a man had better part with his -crutch than his leg. - - -274. Some rattling young fellows from London putting into a country inn, -seeing a plain rough-hewn farmer there; said one of them, You shall see -me dumb-found that countryman. So coming up to him, he gave his hat a -twirl round, saying, there's half a crown for you, countryman. The -former, after recovering a little from his surprise, reared his oaken -towel, and surveying him very gravely, gave him two very handsome drubs -on the shoulder, saying, I thank you for your kindness, friend, there's -two shillings of your money again. - - -275. One of the aforesaid rattling blades having been once a little -kicked for his impertinence, demanded of his benefactor with a bluff -face, Whether he was in earnest, or not? Yes, faith, said the other, in -very good earnest, laying his hand on his sword. Say you so? replied he, -I am glad of that with all my heart, for I don't like such jests. - - -276. A merchant in London, having bought a pretty estate in Surrey, and -afterwards two or three more fields adjoining to it, a person speaking -of his purchase to a friend, said, he did not think Mr. Such-a-one had -been in circumstances to make so large a purchase. O dear! said the -other, you don't know how considerable a man he is; why, since he bought -that estate in Surrey, he has bought Moor-fields. That must be a great -purchase, indeed, replied the other. - - -277. The old earl of B----d, one of the most facetious men of his time, -being once in waiting at court, made an excuse one morning to leave the -king, assuring his majesty he would be back to wait on him before 12 -o'clock, there being great occasion for his attendance. The king had -inquired for him several times, his lordship having exceeded his time: -at length he came, and going to the clock in the drawing-room, heard it -strike one; at which, being a little enraged, he up with his cane and -broke the glass of the clock. The king asked him afterwards, What made -him break the clock? I am sure, says my lord, your majesty won't be -angry when you hear. Prithee, said the king, what was it? Why blood, my -liege, the clock struck first. - - -278. A person having been put to great shifts to get money to support -his credit; some of his creditors at length sent him word, that they -would give him trouble. Pshaw! said he, I have had trouble enough to -borrow the money, and had not need be troubled to pay it again. - - -279. Queen Elizabeth seeing a gentleman in her garden, who had not felt -the effect of her favours so soon as he expected, looking out of her -window, said to him in Italian, What does a man think of, Sir Edward, -when he thinks of nothing? After a little pause, he answered, He thinks, -madam, of a woman's promise. The queen shrunk in her head, but was heard -to say, Well, Sir Edward, I must not confute you: anger makes dull men -witty, but it keeps them poor. - - -280. A lady whose beauty was very much upon the decline, having sent her -picture to a gentleman that was to come a wooing to her, bid her -chambermaid, when she was coming to dress her, take care in repairing -her decays a little, or she should not look like her picture. I warrant -you, madam, says she, laying on the Bavarian red, a little art once made -your picture like you, now a little of the same art shall make you like -your picture; your picture must sit to you. - - -281. A termagant sempstress coming to dun a young fellow at his -lodgings, where he was terribly afraid to have his landlady hear; she -began to open her quail pipes at a great rate, but was presently seized -with a fit of coughing. Lord, says she, I have got such a cold I can -hardly speak. Nay, as to that, says he, I don't care how softly you -speak. Don't tell me of speaking softly, said she, let me have my money, -or I'll take the law of you. Do, says he, then you'll be forced to hold -your tongue, for the law allows nobody to scold in their own cause. - - -282. Some persons talking of a fine lady that had many suitors: Well, -says one of them, you may talk of this great man and that great man, of -this lord and t'other knight; but I know a fellow without a foot of -estate, that will carry her before them all. Pho, that's impossible, -says another, unless you mean her coachman. - - -283. Count Gondomar, the Spanish ambassador here, in Queen Elizabeth's -time, sent a compliment to the Lord St. Albans, whom he lived on no good -terms with, wishing him a merry Easter. My lord thanked the messenger, -and said, he could not requite the count better than by wishing him a -good Pass-over. - - -284. A certain philosopher, when he saw men in a hurry to finish any -matter, used to say, Stay a little, that we may make an end the sooner. - - -285. Sir Francis Bacon was wont to say of a passionate man, who -suppressed his anger, That he thought worse than he spoke; and of an -angry man, that would vent his passion in words, That he spoke worse -than he thought. - - -286. The same gentleman used to say, that power in an ill man was like -the power of a witch--he could do harm, but no good; as the magicians, -said he, could turn water into blood, but could not turn blood into -water again. - - -287. He was likewise wont to commend much the advice of a plain old man -at Buxton, who sold brooms. A proud lazy young fellow came to him for a -besom upon trust, to whom the old man said, Friend, hast thou no money? -Borrow of thy back and of thy belly, they'll never ask thee for't; I -shall be dunning thee every day. - - -288. When recruits were raising for the late wars, a serjeant told his -captain that he had got him a very extraordinary man: Ay, says the -captain, prithee what's he? A butcher, sir, replied the serjeant, and -your honour will have double service of him, for we had two -sheep-stealers in the company before. - - -289. A harmless country fellow having commenced a suit against a -gentleman that had beat down his fences, and spoiled his corn; when the -assizes grew near, his adversary bribed his only evidence to keep out of -the way: Well, says the fellow, I'm resolved I'll up to town, and the -king shall know it. The king know it! said his landlord, who was an -attorney, prithee what good will that do you, if the man keeps out of -the way? Why, sir, said the poor fellow, I have heard you say, the king -could make a man a-peer at any time. - - -290. One speaking of an agreeable young fellow, said, He had wit enough -to call his good nature in question, and yet good nature enough to make -his wit suspected. - - -291. A person seeing a tolerably pretty fellow, who, by the help of a -tailor and sempstress had transformed himself into a beau, said, What -pity it is to see one, whom nature has made no fool, so industrious to -pass for an ass. Rather, said another, one should pity those whom nature -abuses than those who abuse nature; besides, the town would be robbed of -one-half of its diversion, if it should become a crime to laugh at a -fool. - - -292. At the masquerade in the Hay-Market, one appearing in the habit of -a bishop, another, for the jest's sake, bowed his knee to ask a -blessing. The former laying his hand on his head, very demurely said, -Prithee rise, there's nothing in't indeed, friend. - - -293. Of all coxcombs, the most intolerable in conversation is your -fighting fool, and your opiniated wit; the one is always talking to show -his parts, and the other always quarrelling to show his valour. - - -294. One said of a fantastical fellow, that he was the folio of himself, -bound up in his own calf's leather, and gilt about the edges. - - -295. A decayed gentleman coming to one who had been a servant, to borrow -money of him, received a very scurvy answer, concluding in the following -words: Pray, sir, what do you trouble me for? I've no money to lend. I'm -sure you lie, said the gentleman, for if you were not rich, you durst -not be so saucy. - - -296. The Roman Catholics make a sacrament of matrimony, and, in -consequence of that notion, pretend that it confers grace. The -Protestant divines do not carry matters so high, but say, This ought to -be understood in a qualified sense; and that marriage so far confers -grace, as that, generally speaking, it brings repentance, which -everybody knows is one step towards grace. - - -297. An extravagant young gentleman, to whom the title of lord, and a -good estate, was just fallen, being a little harassed by duns, bid his -steward tell them, That whilst he was a private gentleman he had leisure -to run in debt, but being now advanced to a higher rank, he was too busy -to pay them. - - -298. A gentleman complaining of a misfortune, said it was all along with -that drunken sot his man, who could not keep himself sober. With your -worship, said the fellow, I know very few drunken sots that do keep -themselves sober. - - -299. A certain Irishman making strong love to a lady of great fortune, -told her, He could not sleep for dreaming of her. - - -300. A plain country yeoman bringing his daughter to town, said, for all -she was brought up altogether in the country, she was a girl of sense. -Yes, said a pert young female in the company, country sense. Why, faith, -madam, says the fellow, country sense is better sometimes than London -impudence. - - -301. I'll swear, said a gentleman to his mistress, you are very -handsome. Pho, said she, so you'd say, though you did not think so. And -so you'd think, answered he, though I should not say so. - - -302. A gentleman in King Charles the Second's time, who had paid a -tedious attendance at court for a place, and had a thousand promises, at -length resolved to see the king himself; so getting himself introduced, -he told his majesty what pretensions he had to his favour, and boldly -asked him for the place just then vacant. The king hearing his story, -told him he had just given the place away. Upon which the gentleman made -a very low obeisance to the king, and thanked him extremely; which he -repeated often. The king, observing how over-thankful he was, called him -again, and asked the reason why he gave him such extraordinary thanks, -when he had denied his suit. The rather, an't please your majesty, -replied the gentleman; your courtiers have kept me waiting here these -two years, and gave me a thousand put-offs; but your majesty has saved -me all that trouble, and generously given me my answer at once. Gads -fish, man, said the king, thou shalt have the place for thy downright -honesty. - - -303. A merry droll servant, who lived with a lady that was just on the -point of matrimony, being sent with a How-d'ye-do to an acquaintance of -hers, who lived a few miles off, was asked how his lady did? Ah, dear -madam, replied the fellow, she can never live long in this condition. - - -304. 'Twas a beautiful turn given by a great lady, who being asked, -Where her husband was, when he lay concealed for having been deeply -concerned in a conspiracy? resolutely answered, She had hid him. This -confession drew her before the king, who told her, Nothing but her -discovering where her lord was concealed, could save her from the -torture. And will that do? said the lady. Yes, said the king, I give you -my word for it. Then, said she, I have hid him in my heart, there you'll -find him. - - -305. An English gentleman travelling to France, had made choice of an -abbe as reckless as himself, for the companion of his pleasures. One of -his countrymen told him, That though the abbe and he differed about the -way to heaven, they were in a fair way of going to the devil together. - - -306. A petulant self-willed coxcomb was threatening, if his humour was -not gratified, to leave his relations and family and go away to France. -Let him alone, said one, he will come back from France, before he gets -half way to Dover. - - -307. A countryman in the street inquiring the way to Newgate, an arch -fellow that heard him, said, he'd show him presently. Do but go across -the way, said he, to yon goldsmith's shop, and move off with one of -those silver tankards, and it will bring you thither presently. - - -308. Men sometimes blurt out very unlucky truths. A town beggar was very -importunate with a rich miser, whom he accosted in the following phrase: -Pray, sir, bestow your charity; good, dear sir, bestow your charity. -Prithee, friend, be quiet, replied old Gripus, I have it not. - - -309. A certain priest in a rich abbey in Florence, being a fisherman's -son, caused a net to be spread every day, on a table in his apartment, -to put him in mind of his origin: the abbot dying, this dissembled -humility procured him to be chosen abbot; after which, the net was used -no more. Being asked the reason, he answered, There is no occasion for -the net now the fish is caught. - - -310. A farmer who had a very great name in the country for his dexterity -in manly exercises, such as wrestling, throwing the bar, and the like, -drew upon himself many occasions to try his skill, with such as came far -and near to challenge him: among the rest, a conceited fellow rode a -great way to visit this champion, and being told that he was in his -ground behind the house, he alighted, and walked with his horse's bridle -in his hand, till he came where he found him at work; so hanging the -bridle upon the pales, he accosted him thus: That having heard much of -his fame, he had come forty miles to try a fall with him. The champion, -without more words, came up to him, and closing with him, took him upon -such an advantageous lock, that he pitched him clean over the pales; -with a great deal of unconcern, he took up his spade, and fell to work -again: the fellow getting upon his legs again, as nimbly as he could, -called to speak to him. Well, said the champion, have you any more to -say to me? No, no, replied the fellow, only to desire you would be so -kind as throw my horse after me. - - -311. A busy impertinent, entertaining Aristotle the philosopher one day -with a tedious discourse, and observing that he did not much regard him, -made an apology, That he was afraid he had interrupted him. No, really, -replied the philosopher, you have not interrupted me at all, for I have -not minded one word you said. - - -312. Two conceited coxcombs wrangling and exposing one another before -company, one told them, That they had both done like wits: for wits, -said he, never give over till they prove one another fools. - - -313. A lawyer and a physician having a dispute about precedence, -referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favour of the lawyer, in these -terms: Let the thief go before, and the executioner follow. - - -314. A person having two very graceless sons, the one robbed him of his -money, and the other of his goods: His neighbour coming to condole with -him, told him, He might sue the county, for he had been robbed between -son and son. - - -315. A person speaking to the Earl of C----d of the false taste of -several people of quality, and their ignorance in many things that they -pretend to understand; Why, said my Lord, most of our people of quality -judge of everything by their ears but the opera, and that they go to -see. - - -316. A citizen dying greatly in debt, it coming to his creditors' -ears--Farewell, said one, there is so much of mine gone with him. And he -carried so much of mine, said another. One hearing them make their -several complaints, said, Well, I see now, that though a man can carry -nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may carry a great deal of -other men's. - - -317. Three young conceited wits, as they thought themselves, passing -along the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they -had a mind to be rudely merry; Good morrow, father Abraham, said one: -Good morrow, father Isaac, said the next: Good morrow, father Jacob, -cried the last. I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob, replied the old -gentleman, but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his father's -asses, and lo! here I have found them. - - -318. An ingenious young gentleman at the University of Oxford, being -appointed to preach before the Vice Chancellor, and the heads of the -colleges, at St. Mary's, and having formerly observed the drowsiness of -the Vice Chancellor, took this place of scripture for his text: "What! -cannot ye watch one hour?" At every division he concluded with his text; -which by reason of the Vice Chancellor sitting so near the pulpit, often -awaked him. This was so noted among the wits, that it was the talk of -the whole University, and withal it so nettled the Vice Chancellor, that -he complained to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who, willing to redress -him, sent for this scholar up to London, to defend himself against the -crime laid to his charge; where coming, he gave so many proofs of his -extraordinary wit, that the Archbishop enjoined him to preach before -King James. After some excuses, he at length consented; and coming into -the pulpit, began, "James the First, and the Sixth, waver not"; meaning -the first king of England, and the sixth of Scotland; at first the king -was somewhat amazed at the text, but in the end was so well pleased with -his sermon, that he made him one of his chaplains in ordinary. After -this advancement, the Archbishop sent him down to Oxford to make his -recantation to the Vice Chancellor, and to take leave of the University, -which he accordingly did, and took the latter part of the verse of the -former text, "Sleep on now and take your rest": concluding his sermon, -he made his apology to the Vice Chancellor, Whereas I said before, which -gave offence, What! cannot ye watch one hour? I say now, Sleep on and -take your rest--and so left the University. - - -319. A plain country fellow, born in Essex, coming to London, which -place he had never seen before, as he walked in a certain street, not a -great way from Mark Lane, espied a rope hanging at a merchant's door, -with a handle to it; and wondering what it meant, he took it in his -hand, and played with it to and fro; at length, pulling it hard, he -heard a bell ring; it so happened, that the merchant, being near the -door, went himself, and demanded what the fellow would have. Nothing, -sir, said he, I did but play with this pretty thing which hangs at your -door. What countryman are you? said the merchant. An Essex man, an't -please you, replied the other. I thought so, replied the merchant, for I -have often heard say, that if a man beat a bush in Essex, there -presently comes forth a calf. It may be so, replied the countryman, and -I think a man can no sooner ring a bell in London, but out pops a -donkey. - - -320. A young man married to an ill-tempered woman, who, not contented, -though he was very kind to her, made continual complaints to her father, -to the great grief of both families; the husband being no longer able to -endure this strange humour, beat her soundly. Hereupon she complained to -her father, who understanding well the perverseness of her humour, took -her to task, and laced her soundly too; saying, Go, and commend me to -your husband, and tell him, I am now even with him, for I have cudgelled -his wife, as he hath beaten my daughter. - - -321. A fellow hearing one say, according to the Italian proverb, That -three women make a market with their chattering; Nay, then, said he, add -my wife to them, and they will make a fair. - - -322. A scholar, in College Hall, declaiming, having a bad memory, was at -a stand; whereupon in a low voice, he desired one that stood close by, -to help him out: No, said the other, methinks you are out enough -already. - - -323. A gentleman riding near the forest of Which-wood, in Oxfordshire, -asked a fellow, What that wood was called; he said, Which-wood, sir: Why -that wood, said the gentleman. Which-wood, sir: Why that wood, I tell -thee;--he still said Which-wood. I think, said the gentleman, thou art -as senseless as the wood that grows there. It may be so, replied the -other, but you know not Which-wood. - - -324. A physician was wont to say, when he met a friend, I am glad to see -you well. In troth, sir, said one, I think you do but dissemble, for the -world always goes ill with you, when it goes well with your friends. - - -325. A gentleman falling to decay, shifted where he could; among the -rest, he visited an old acquaintance, and stayed with him seven or eight -days, in which time the man began to be weary of his guest, and to be -rid of him, feigned a falling out with his wife, by which means their -fare was very slender. The gentleman perceiving their drift, but not -knowing whither to go to better himself, told them, He had been there -seven days, and had not seen any falling out betwixt them before; and -that he was resolved to stay seven weeks longer, but he would see them -friends again. - - -326. A gentleman who loved everything that was foreign, and was -extremely fond of hard names, dining at a friend's house, asked him, -What the name of the wine was, of which he had just drank a glass at -table; his friend, knowing that it was but indifferent, and recollecting -that he had bought it at the Stocks Market, told him, it was the true -Stoko Marketto; upon which he found the wine excellent, and gave it -great encomiums. - - -327. A knavish attorney asking a very worthy gentleman, what was -honesty? What is that to you? said he; meddle with those things that -concern you. - - -328. A simple bumpkin, coming to London, was very much taken with the -sight of a chair, or sedan, and bargained with the chairmen to carry him -to a place he named. The chairmen, observing the curiosity of the clown -to be suitable to the meanness of his habit, privately took out the -bottom of the chair, and then put him into it, which when they took up, -the countryman's feet were upon the ground, and as the chairmen -advanced, so did he; and to make the better sport, if any place was -dirtier in the way than the rest, that they chose to go through; the -countryman not knowing but others used to be carried, or rather driven -in the same manner, coming to his lodgings, gave them their demand. -Returning into the country, he related what rare things he had seen in -London, and withal, that he been conveyed in a sedan: Sedan, quoth one, -what is that? Why, said he, like our watch-house, only it is covered -with leather; but were it not for the name of a sedan, a man might as -well walk on foot. - - -329. An ignorant clown, who had the reputation of being a great scholar -in the country, because he could read and write, coming to London, and -inquiring into all the strange things he saw, at last read on a -sign-post, Horses to be let, 1748. Well, said he, if there are so many -horses in one inn, how many are there in the whole city? - - -330. One reading a witty preface before a dull book, said, he wondered -how such a preface came to be matched so preposterously to such a book. -In truth, sir, said another, I see no reason why they may not be -matched, for I'm sure they are not at all a-kin. - - -331. A person not belonging to Merton College, put his horse in a field -thereunto appertaining; being warned of so doing, and he taking no -notice thereof, the master of that College sent his man to him, bidding -him say, if he continued his horse there, he would cut off his tail. Say -you so? said the person: go tell your master, if he cuts off my horse's -tail, I will cut off his ears. The servant returning, told his master -what he said; whereupon he was sent back to bring the person to him; who -appearing, the master said, How now, sir! what mean you by the menace -you sent me? Sir, said the other, I threatened you not, for I only said, -if you cut off my horse's tail, I would cut off his ears. - - -332. One seeing a scholar that looked very much a-squint, Sure, said he, -this man must be more learned than his fellows, for with one cast of his -eyes he can read both sides of the book at once. - - -333. A youth standing by whilst his father was at play, observing him to -lose a great deal of money, burst into tears; his father asked him the -reason why he wept? Oh, sir, I have heard that Alexander the Great wept -when he heard his father Philip had conquered a great many towns, -cities, and countries, fearing that he would leave him nothing to win; -but I wept the contrary way, fearing you will leave me nothing to lose. - - -334. A rich citizen of London, in his will, left something considerable -to Christ's Hospital, but little or nothing to one of his extravagant -sons. At the funeral, the Blue-coat boys were ordered, in acknowledgment -of so great a gift, to sing before the corpse to the grave. As they -marched through Cheapside, this extravagant son led his mother, who -observing the boys made a rest, he opened his pipes in such a manner, -that he was heard almost from one end of the street to the other; and -still leading his mother, he continued thus singing, 'till a kinsman -came to him, and stopping his mouth, asked him his reason for his -irreverent and indecent carriage. Why, cousin, quoth this Ne'er-be-good, -the boys there at my father's death sing for something, and won't you -let me sing for nothing? - - -335. The famous Mr. Amner going through a street in Windsor, two boys -looked out of a one-pair of stairs window, and cried, There goes Mr. -Amner that makes so many bulls. He hearing them, looked up saying, You -rascals, I know you well enough, and if I had you here, I'd kick you -down stairs. - - -336. The same gentleman crossing the water in a ferry-boat at Datchet, -the good man of the ferry being from home, his wife did his office; and -not putting in the boat just at the landing place, Mr. Amner at his -landing sunk into the mud over his shoes; and going a little farther he -met with a friend, who asked, How he came so dirty? Egad, replied Mr. -Amner, no man was ever so abused as I have been; for coming over Datchet -ferry, a scurvy woman waterman put over his boat and landed me clean in -the mire. - - -337. A poor woman in the country sent her son to a gentleman's house, -upon some errand or other. The loitering lad stayed somewhat too long, -looking upon a dog in the wheel that turned the spit; so that when he -came home, his mother beat him soundly: execution ended, the boy told -her, If she had been there, she would have stayed as long as he; and she -demanding the reason, he said, Oh, mother, it would have done you good -to have seen how daintily a dog in a wheel spun roast meat. - - -338. In Flanders, by accident, a Flemish tiler falling from the top of a -house upon a Spaniard, killed him, though he escaped himself. The next -of the blood prosecuted his death with great violence against the tiler; -and when he was offered pecuniary recompence, nothing would serve him -but _lex talionis_. Whereupon, the judge said unto him, That if he did -urge that kind of sentence, it must be, that he should go up to the top -of the same house, and from thence fall down upon the tiler. - - -339. A lord intended to take in a great part of the common belonging to -the town, and he agreed with a carpenter to have it railed in: My lord, -said he, it shall be done, and I think I can save you some charges in -the business; For, said he, do you but get posts, and I doubt not but -all the neighbors round about will find you railing enough. - - -340. A brave Dutch captain being commanded by his colonel to go on a -dangerous exploit against the French, with forces that were unlikely to -achieve the enterprise, the captain advised his colonel to send but half -so many men: Send but half so many men! why so? said the colonel. -Because, replied the captain, they are enough to be knocked on the head. - - -341. A fellow hearing the drums beat up for volunteers for France, in -the expedition against the Dutch, imagined himself valiant enough, and -thereupon listed himself; returning again, he was asked by his friends, -What exploits he had done there? He said, That he had cut off one of the -enemy's legs; and being told that it had been more honourable and manly -to have cut off his head; Oh, said he, you must know his head was cut -off before. - - -342. A person of quality coming into a church, at the place where -several of his ancestors were buried, after he had said much in their -commendation and praised them for worthy men; Well, said he, I am -resolved, if I live, to be buried as near them as possible. - - -343. An Irishman having been obliged to live with his master some time -in Scotland; when he came home again, some of his companions asked him, -How he liked Scotland? I will tell you now, said he, I was sick all de -while I was dere, and if I had lived dere till this time, I had been -dead a year ago. - - -344. A certain duchess, in a late reign, hearing that a man in a high -office, which gave him an opportunity of handling much cash, had married -his mistress; Good Lord, said she, that old fellow is always robbing the -public. - - -345. A book being published in Queen Elizabeth's time that gave her much -offence, she asked Bacon if he could find no treason in it? No, madam, -said he, but abundance of felony, for the author hath stolen half his -conceits out of Tacitus. - - -346. A young lady being sick, a physician was sent for to feel her -pulse; she being very coy, and loth he should touch her skin, pulled her -sleeve over her hand; the doctor observing it, took a corner of his -coat, and laid it upon the sleeve; at which a lady that stood by -wondered: O, madam, said he, a linen pulse must always have a woollen -physician. - - -347. Tom Clarke, of St. John's, desired a fellow of the same college to -lend him Bishop Burnet's History of the Reformation; the other told him, -He could not spare it out of his chamber, but, if he pleased, he might -come there and read it all day long. Some time after the same gentleman -sent to Tom to borrow his bellows: Tom sent him word, that he could not -possibly spare them out of his chamber, but he might come there and use -them all day long if he would. - - -348. King Charles II. on a certain time paying a visit to Dr. Busby, the -doctor is said to have strutted through his school with his hat upon his -head, while his majesty walked complaisantly behind him, with his hat -under his arm; but, when he was taking his leave at the door, the doctor -with great humility addressed him thus: Sire, I hope your majesty will -excuse my want of respect hitherto; but if my boys were to imagine there -was a greater man in the kingdom than myself, I should never be able to -rule them. - - -349. Dr. Hickringal, who was one of King Charles the Second's chaplains, -whenever he preached before his majesty, was sure to tell him of his -faults, and to scold him from the pulpit very severely. One day his -majesty, walking in the Mall, observed the doctor before him, and sent -to speak to him; when he came,--Doctor, said the king, What have I done -to you that you are always quarreling with me? I hope your majesty is -not angry with me, quoth the doctor, for telling the truth. No, no, said -the king, but I would have us for the future be friends. Well, well, -quoth the doctor, I'll make it up with your majesty on these terms, as -you mend, I'll mend. - - -350. In a little country town, it happened that the 'squire of the -parish's lady came to church after her lying-in, to return thanks, or as -it is commonly called, to be churched: The parson aiming to be -complaisant, and thinking plain 'woman' a little too familiar, instead -of saying, O Lord, save this woman; said, O Lord, save this lady. The -clerk, resolving not to be behindhand with him, answered, Who putteth -her ladyship's trust in thee. - - -351. One of King James the First's chaplains preaching before the court -at Whitehall, made use of the following quibbles in his discourse. -Speaking of the depravity of the age, Almost all-houses, he said, were -made ale-houses;--that men made matri-money a matter of money; and -placed their Para-dise in a pair of dice: Was it so in the days of -No-ah? Ah, no. - - -352. The Rev. Mr. Henley waiting one day at Sir Robert Walpole's levee, -was asked by the knight what brought him there? The orator replied, I -hear you want a good pen. No, said Sir Robert, I don't. Then, said the -orator, I have a bad one, which perhaps you may not like. Well, said the -knight, if it is very bad, I must get one of the Secretaries of State to -mend it. - - -353. Several press-gangs infesting the streets of the city and suburbs, -one of which giving umbrage to a merry punster, who had just staggered -from a tavern into the middle of them: he said pleasantly enough, God -bless his majesty's arms! But as to the supporters, they are beasts. - - -354. It was well answered by Archbishop Tillotson to King William, when -he complained of the shortness of his sermon: Sir, said the bishop, -could I have bestowed more time on it, it would have been shorter. - - -355. Mr. Prior, when ambassador, witnessing one of the French operas at -Paris, and seated in a box with a nobleman he was free with, who, as -usual in France, sung louder than the performer, burst into bitter -invectives against the latter; upon which his lordship gave over to -inquire the reason, adding, that the person he exclaimed against so -fiercely, was one of the finest voices they had. Yes, replied his -excellency, but he makes such a horrid noise, that I can't have the -pleasure to hear your lordship. - - -356. A living of 500_l._ per annum, falling in the gift of the late Lord -Chancellor Talbot, Sir Robert Walpole recommended one of his friends as -very deserving of the benefice, whom his lordship approved of. In the -interim, the curate, who had served the last incumbent many years for a -poor 30_l._ per annum, came up with a petition, signed by many of the -inhabitants, testifying his good behaviour, setting forth that he had a -wife and seven children to maintain, and begging his lordship would -stand his friend, that he might be continued in his curacy; and, in -consideration of his large family, if he could prevail with the next -incumbent to add 10_l._ a year, he should for ever pray for him. His -lordship, according to his usual goodness, promised to use his utmost -endeavours to serve him; and the reverend gentleman, for whom the living -was designed, coming soon after to pay his respects, my lord told him -the affair of the curate, with this difference only, that he should -allow him 60_l._ a year instead of 30_l._ The clergyman in some -confusion, replied, He was sorry that he could not grant his request, -for that he had promised the curacy to another, and could not go from -his word. How! said the nobleman, have you promised the curacy before -you were possessed of the living? Well, to keep your word with your -friend, if you please, I'll give him the curacy, but the living, I -assure you, I'll give to another: and saying this he left him. The next -day the poor curate coming to know his destiny, my lord told him, That -he had used his endeavours to serve him as to the curacy, but with no -success, the reverend gentleman having disposed of it before. The -curate, with a deep sigh, returned his lordship thanks for his goodness, -and was going to withdraw, when my lord calling him back, said with a -smile, Well, my friend, 'tis true, I have it not in my power to give you -the curacy; but if you will accept of the living 'tis at your service. - - -357. The same noble lord, when he was under the tuition of the Reverend -----, who used to call him his little chancellor, one day replied, that -when he was so he would give him a good living. One happening to become -vacant soon after he was chancellor, he recollected his promise, and -ordered the presentation to be filled up for his old master, who soon -after came to his lordship to remind him of his promise, and to ask him -for the living. Why, really, said my lord, I wish you had come a day -sooner, but I have given it away already, and when you see to whom, I -dare say you will not think me to blame. - - -358. A country curate being one Friday in Lent to examine his young -catechumens, and the bell tolling for prayers, he was obliged to leave a -game of all-fours unfinished, in which he had the advantage; but told -his antagonist he would soon dispatch his audience, and see him out. Now -for fear any tricks should be played with the cards in his absence, he -put them in his cassock; and asking one of the children how many -commandments there were, which the boy not readily answering, by -accident one of the cards dropped out of his sleeve; he had the presence -of mind to bid the boy take it up, and tell him what card it was; which -he readily did: when turning to the parents of the child, Are you not -ashamed, said he, to pay so little regard to the eternal welfare of your -children, as not to teach them their commandments? I suspected your -neglect, and brought this card with me, to detect your immorality, in -teaching your children to know their cards before their commandments. - - -359. Dr. South visiting a gentleman one morning, he was asked to stay to -dinner; which he accepting, the gentleman stepped into the next room, -and told his wife he had invited the doctor to dinner, and desired her -to provide something extraordinary. Hereupon she began to murmur and -scold, and make a thousand words, till at last her husband, being very -much provoked at her behaviour, protested, that if it was not for the -stranger in the next room, he would kick her out of doors. Upon which -the doctor, who had heard all that passed, immediately stepped out, -crying, I beg, sir, you'll make no stranger of me. - - -360. A woman of bad character who had lived in Clerkenwell, having left -by her will a handsome sum of money to be given to the Rev. Dr. Lee, to -preach her funeral sermon, but on condition that he should say nothing -but what was well of her. Her executors accordingly waited on the -doctor, and acquainted him with the conditions of the will; who being -very much surprised at such a request, desired them to call again, and -he would consider of it. Soon after they came again when he agreed that -on the money being paid directly, he would preach the following Sunday. -The doctor kept his word, and taking the text, "Blessed are they," &c., -made an excellent sermon on a well-spent life, and the reward they would -have in the next world; concluding, Dear friends, said he, as for the -deceased, of whom I am now going to speak (which caused great attention -from the congregation), all I shall say of her is, that she was born at -Camberwell, lived great part of her time in Bridewell, and died in -Clerkenwell, and at last has done well; then let us pray that she may -fare well, &c., &c. - - -361. The Rev. Mr. B--n coming from Holland with the King, a terrible -hurricane arising, the sloop was in great danger of being lost. The -facetious Mr. B--d, of Albemarle-street, being in the cabin with him, -and very willing to prepare himself for another world, desired him to -take notice, that if they were cast away, the shirt he had on belonged -to Mr. G----, and that he might have it again; then falling on his -knees, he attempted to rehearse the Lord's Prayer, but with such a tone -as affrighted the ship's crew; on which the captain running down, -desired him to pray to himself; and to his great surprise found the -doctor stripping himself: Pray, doctor, said he, what do you design to -do? Oh, said he, let him pray; I design to swim for my life. - - -362. The Lord Chief Justice Wh--d, of the King's Bench in Ireland, being -esteemed a very able lawyer, and Judge C--d and B--t but very -indifferent ones; Well, said an attorney of that court, no bench was -ever supplied like ours, for we have got a hundred judges upon it. A -hundred! said another, how can that be? Why, replied the other, there is -a figure of one, and two ciphers. - - -363. One Mr. Ash, who was himself a famous punster, in Ireland, coming -into an inn, desired the landlord to lend him a hand to pull off his -great coat: Indeed, sir, said he, I dare not. Dare not! replied the -other, what do you mean by that? You know, sir, answered he, there is an -act of parliament against stripping of Ash. - - -364. King Charles the Second, after the Restoration, told Waller the -poet, that he had made better verses and said finer things of Cromwell -than of him. That may very well be, replied Waller, for poets generally -succeed better in imaginary things, than in real ones. - - -365. An honest French dragoon in the service of Louis the Fourteenth, -having caught a man of whom he was jealous in the room with his wife, -after some words, told him, he would let him escape that time; but if -ever he found him there again, he'd throw his hat out of the window. -Notwithstanding this terrible threat, in a very few days he caught the -spark in the same place, and was as good as his word. Knowing what he -had done, he posted away to a place where the king was, and throwing -himself at his majesty's feet, implored his pardon. The king asked him -what his offence was? he told him the story, and how he had thrown the -man's hat out of the window. Well, well, said the king, laughing, I very -readily forgive you; considering your provocation, I think you were much -in the right to throw his hat out of the window. Yes, and may it please -you, my liege, said the dragoon, but his head was in it. Was it so? -replied the king: well, my word is passed. - - -366. A young and learned gentleman, who was to preach a probation sermon -for a very good lectureship in the city, and had but a bad voice, though -otherwise an excellent preacher; a friend, when he came out of the -pulpit, wished him joy, and said he would certainly carry the election, -for he had nobody's voice against him but his own. - - -367. Some repartees, strictly speaking, ought not to be brought under -the head of jests, yet, for the readiness of the thought, and the -politeness of the expression, are somewhat better. Of this sort was the -answer made by Sir Robert Sutton to the late King of Prussia, on his -asking him at a review of his tall grenadiers, if he would say an equal -number of Englishmen could beat them? No, sire, answered Sir Robert, I -won't pretend to say that, but I believe half the number would try. - - -368. Sir John H. C. being in the Court of Requests one morning, soon -after Sir Rob. W---- had married Miss S----, and overhearing him tell a -gentleman, who congratulated him upon that occasion, that he was glad -his friends were pleased with what he had done--Ay, and so are your -enemies too, said he. - - -369. The Earl of C----d, notwithstanding his great good nature, upon -some provocation was, at a certain time, forced to lay his cane across -the shoulders of Sir Harry ----, who took it very patiently. Some time -after, Sir Harry himself caned a fellow, who was a great coward: upon -which, my lord meeting him the next day, told him he was glad to hear he -behaved so gallantly yesterday. Ay, my lord, said he, you and I know -whom we beat. - - -370. The Cardinal de Retz being out of favour at court, and at last -recalled to kiss the King's hand, the king said to him, Your eminence's -hair is grown quite white. To which he replied, It would make a younger -man than I am look grey, to have been so long in disgrace with your -majesty as I have. - -371. Upon the death of the famous Moliere, a poet waiting with his -epitaph upon the Prince of Conde, the Prince told him, he should have -been much better pleased, if Moliere had brought him his. - -372. A bishop going in great haste to Rome, to be cardinalized, missed -his promotion, and returned; but got a violent cold by the way: It is no -wonder, said one that was told of it, since he came so far without his -hat. - -373. A gentleman being very drunk, came to a friend's house, and told -him, he came three miles on purpose to sup with him: to which the other -answered, He was greatly obliged to him, since he came so far to see him -before he came to himself. - -374. A Scotch parson in the rump-time, in his babbling prayer, said, -Laird bless the grand council, the parliament, and grant they may all -hang together. A country-fellow standing by, said, Yes, yes, with all my -heart, and the sooner the better; and I am sure it is the prayers of all -good people. But friends, said Sawney, I don't mean as that fellow -means, but pray they may all hang together in accord and concord. No -matter what cord, replied the other, so it is but a strong cord. - -375. An honest highlander, walking along Holborn, heard a voice cry, -Rogue, Scot; Rogue, Scot; his northern blood fired at the insult, he -drew his broadsword, looking round him on every side, to discover the -object of his indignation; he at last found that it came from a parrot, -perched in a balcony within his reach; but the generous Scot, disdaining -to stain his trusty blade with such ignoble blood, put up his sword -again, with a sour smile, saying, Gin ye were a mon, as ye're a green -geuse, I would split your ween. - - -376. The Rev. Mr. Brodie preaching one day at the kirk in Edinburgh on -hell torments, represented them to be intolerable, by the extreme cold -they suffered there. And it being at that time very cold weather, one of -his congregation, after sermon, took upon him to ask him the reason of -his so doing, when all the eminent divines had preached it up to be the -reverse. O sir, said he, I had good reason; for if I had told them it -was hot, I should have had them all run away to warm themselves. - - -377. An Irishman having a looking-glass in his hand, shut his eyes, and -placed it before his face; another asking him, Why he did so? Upon my -shoul, said Teague, it is to see how I look when I am asleep. - - -378. Two gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them, -said one, There goes the handsomest woman I ever saw. She hearing him, -turned back, and seeing him very ugly, said, I wish I could, in -return, say as much by you. So you may, madam, said he, and tell a -falsehood as I did. - - -379. An impudent ridiculous fellow, being laughed at by all who came in -his company, told some of his acquaintance, that he had a happy quality -of laughing at all who laughed at him. Then, said one of them, you lead -the merriest life of any man in Christendom. - - -380. Alexander the Great asked Dionedes, a famous pirate, who was -brought prisoner to him, why he was so bold as to rob and plunder in his -seas? he answered, That he did it for his profit, and as Alexander -himself was used to do it. But because I do it with one single galley, I -am called a pirate; but you, sire, who do it with a great army, are -called a king. This bold answer so pleased Alexander, that he set him at -liberty. - - -381. A ploughman seeing the Archbishop of Cologne go by, attended by a -great many soldiers, laughed; the archbishop pressed him to know the -reason: It is because I wonder, said the ploughman, to see an archbishop -armed and followed, not by churchmen, but by soldiers, like a general of -an army. Friend, replied the archbishop, in my church I perform the part -of an archbishop with my clergy; but in the field I march like a duke, -accompanied by my soldiers. I understand you, my lord, answered the -peasant; but pray tell me, when my lord duke goes to the devil, what -will then become of my lord the archbishop? - - -382. The Duke of Guise, after a battle fought between Francis I. and -Charles V. reproached Villandry, that though he was in complete armour, -yet he had not been seen in the fight. I'll make it out, answered -Villandry, boldly, that I was there, and in a place where you durst not -be seen. The duke nettled at this reproach, threatened to punish him -severely; but he appeased him with these words: I, my lord, was with the -baggage, where your courage would not suffer you to go. - - -383. Hermon was so covetous, according to the testimony of Lucilius, -that dreaming one night that he had spent some money, he hanged himself -in the morning; but Dinarchee Philo quitted the design he had once taken -to hang himself, because he grudged the expense of a rope. - - -384. Dr. M--d coming out of Tom's coffee-house, an impudent broken -apothecary met him at the door, and accosted him with a request to lend -him five guineas: Sir, said the doctor, I am surprised that you should -apply to me for such a favour; who do not know you! Oh, dear sir, -replied the apothecary, it is for that very reason; for those who do -won't lend me a farthing. - - -385. An old superstitious Roman, who had his buskins rateaten, consulted -Cato, in a grave manner, what such an accident might portend. Cato bid -him set his mind at rest, for there would come no mischief from it. But, -said the philosopher, if your buskins had eaten the rats, it might have -been dangerous. - - -386. Philip, king of Macedon, after the battle of Cheronea, having -generously set all the Athenian prisoners free, upon their -unconscionably demanding their baggage, Sure, said he, the men fancy we -had but a mock fight. - - -387. An archbishop finding fault with some actions of Queen Elizabeth, -brought her good arguments out of the scriptures to prove, that they -favoured more of the politician than the christian. I see, said she, my -lord, you have read the scriptures, but not the book of Kings. - - -388. In a visit Queen Elizabeth made to the famous Lord Chancellor -Bacon, at a small country seat, which he had built for himself before -his preferment; she asked him, how it came that he had made himself so -small a house? It is not I, madam, answered he, who have made my house -too small for myself, but your majesty, who has made me too big for my -house. - - -389. Some person praising a generous prince for virtues he had not; -Well, said he, I'll do my utmost to hinder your telling an untruth. - - -390. King William III. being upon a march for some secret expedition, -was entreated by a general to tell him what his design was: the king, -instead of answering him, asked him, whether, in case he should tell -him, he could keep it a secret, and would let it go no farther; the -general promised it should not. Well, answered his majesty, I know how -to keep a secret as well as you. - - -391. Mr. T--s C--r, the comedian, coming one day to his father, begged -him to let him have a hundred pounds, which would make him perfectly -easy in his affairs. Why, then, said the father, it is very strange you -can't live upon your salary, your benefit, and other advantages; when I -was of your age, I never spent any of my father's money. I do not know -that, answered the son, but I am sure you have spent a great many -hundred pounds of my father's money. - - -392. An ordinary country fellow being called as an evidence in a court -of judicature, in a cause where the terms of mortgager and mortgagee -were frequently used, the judge asked the countryman if he knew the -difference between the mortgager and mortgagee: Yes, said he, it is the -same as between the nodder and noddee. How is that? replied the judge. -Why, you sit there, my lord, said the clown, and I nod at you; then I am -the nodder, and your lordship is the noddee. - - -393. Two fellows meeting, one asked the other, why he looked so sad? I -have very good reasons for it, answered the other; poor Jack Such-a-one, -the greatest crony and best friend I had in the world, was hanged but -two days ago. What had he done? said the first. Alas, replied the other, -he did no more than you or I would have done on the like occasion; he -found a bridle in the road, and took it up. What! answered the other, -hang a man for taking a bridle! That's hard indeed. To tell the truth of -the matter, said the other, there was a horse at the end of it. - - -394. It was a fine saying of my lord Russell, who was beheaded in the -reign of King Charles II., when on the scaffold, he delivered his watch -to Dr. Gilbert Burnet, afterwards bishop of Salisbury: Here, sir, said -he, take this, it shows time: I am going into eternity, and shall have -no longer any need of it. - - -395. Queen Elizabeth, having taken notice of the Duke de Villa Medina's -gallant behaviour at a tournament, told him one day, that she would -absolutely know who his mistress was: Villa Medina excused himself -awhile, but at last yielding to her curiosity, he promised to send her -her picture. The next morning he sent her majesty a packet; wherein the -Queen finding nothing but a small looking-glass, presently understood -the Spaniard's meaning. - - -396. A dyer, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand -that was all black; Take off your glove, friend, said the judge to him. -Put on your spectacles, my lord, answered the dyer. - - -397. A sober young woman, who was treating with a maidservant about work -and wages, asked her, among other questions, what religion she was of? -Alack-a-day, madam, said the poor innocent girl, I never trouble my head -about that; for religion, I thought, was only for gentlefolks. - - -398. Admiral Chatillon being on a holiday gone to hear mass in the -Dominican friars' chapel, a poor fellow begged his charity, just as he -was most intent on his devotions. He felt in his pocket, and gave him -several pieces of gold, without counting them, or minding what they -were. The considerable alms so dazzled the beggar's eyes, that he was -amazed at it. As M. Chatillon was going out of the church door, where -the poor man waited for him; Sir, said he, showing him what he had given -him, I cannot tell whether you intended to give me so large a sum; if -not, I am very ready to return it. The admiral, wondering at the honesty -of the man, said, I did not, indeed, honest man, intend to have given -you so much; but, since you have the generosity to offer to return it, I -will have the generosity to desire you to keep it, and there are five -pieces more for you. - - -399. A certain captain, who had made a greater figure than his fortune -could well bear, and the regiment not being paid as was expected, was -forced to put off a great part of his equipage; a few days after, as he -was walking by the roadside, he saw one of his soldiers sitting cleaning -himself under a hedge: What are you doing there, Tom? said the officer. -Why, faith, sir, answered the soldier, I am following your example, -getting rid of part of my retinue. - - -400. One who had formerly been rich, but had squandered away his estate, -and left himself no furniture in the house but a sorry bed, a little -table, a few broken chairs, and some other odd things, seeing a parcel -of thieves, who knew not his condition, breaking into his house in the -night, he cried out to them, Are not you a pack of fools, to think to -find anything here in the dark, when I can find nothing by daylight? - - -401. A certain great lord having, by his extravagancies, run himself -over head and ears in debt, and seeming very little concerned about it, -one of his friends told him one day, That he wondered how he could sleep -quietly in his bed, whilst he was so much in debt. For my part, said my -lord, I sleep very well; but I wonder how my creditors can. - - -402. A bishop of Cervia in Italy came in great haste to the Pope, and -told him, that it was generally reported his holiness had done him the -honour to make him governor of Rome. How, said the Pope, don't you know -that fame spreads a great many false reports? and I dare say you will -find this one of them. - - -403. A Gascon, one day reading in company a letter he had just received -from his father, who therein acquainted him, that he was threatened with -an assessment, which would be very hard upon him, whose whole estate was -not above two hundred livres per annum. This sum was written in figures, -thus (200). But the Gascon reading two thousand instead of two hundred, -a lady that stood behind him, and read the letter without uttering a -word, so that he could not perceive her, hearing him say two thousand; -Hold, hold, sir, said she, there are but two hundred. Let me be hanged, -said he, turning about to her, if the coxcomb, meaning his father, has -not forgot a cipher. - - -404. Another Gascon officer, who had served under Henry IV. King of -France, and not having received any pay for a considerable time, came to -the king, and confidently said to him, Sire, three words with your -majesty: Money or discharge. Four with you, answered his majesty: -Neither one nor t'other. - - -405. A certain Italian having wrote a book upon the art of making gold, -dedicated it to Pope Leo X. in hopes of a good reward: His holiness -finding the man constantly following him, at length gave him a large -empty purse, saying, Sir, since you know how to make gold, you can have -no need of anything but a purse to put it in. - - -406. A countryman seeing a lady in the street in a very odd dress as he -thought, begged her to be pleased to tell him what she called it. The -lady, a little surprised at the question, called him impertinent fellow. -Nay, I hope no offence, madam, cried Hodge, I am a poor countryman, just -going out of town, and my wife always expects I should bring her an -account of the newest fashion, which occasioned my inquiring what you -call this that you wear. It is a sack, said she, in a great pet. I have -heard, replied the countryman (heartily nettled at her behaviour) of a -pig in a poke, but never saw a sow in a sack before. - - -407. A proud parson, and his man, riding over a common, saw a shepherd -tending his flock, and having a new coat on, the parson asked him, in a -haughty tone, who gave him that coat? The same, said the shepherd, that -clothed you, the parish. The parson, nettled at this, rode on a little -way, and then bade his man go back, and ask the shepherd if he'd come -and live with him, for he wanted a fool. The man going accordingly to -the shepherd, delivered his master's message, and concluded as he was -ordered, that his master wanted a fool. Why, are you going away then? -said the shepherd. No, answered the other. Then you may tell your -master, replied the shepherd, his living can't maintain three of us. - - -408. A lad was running along the gunnel of a ship, with a can of flip in -his hand, of which he was to have part himself, when a cannon ball came -suddenly, and took off one of his legs; Look ye there now, said he, all -the flip's spilt. - - -409. Lord Falkland, the author of the play, called The Marriage Night, -was chosen very young to sit in parliament; and when he was first -elected, some of the members opposed his admission, urging, That he had -not sown all his wild oats. Then, replied he, it will be the best way to -sow them in the house, where there are so many geese to pick them up. - - -410. The Duke of ---- asked a friend, Who he thought had undertaken the -most difficult task, Mr. Whiston, in his attempts to discover the -longitude, or Mr. Lisle, to find the philosopher's stone? The friend -answered, that he could not tell which was the more arduous task of the -two which those gentlemen had undertaken, but he was sure that he had -himself engaged in a much more difficult work than either of them. What -is that? said his grace. I have been these six years endeavouring to -prevail on you to pay your debts, replied the friend. - - -411. A schoolmaster asking one of his boys, in a sharp wintry morning, -what was Latin for cold, the boy hesitated a little: What, sirrah, said -he, can't you tell? Yes, yes, replied the boy, I have it at my fingers' -ends. - - -412. When the gate, which joined to Whitehall, was ordered by the House -of Commons to be pulled down, to make the coach-way more open and -commodious, a member made a motion, that the other which was contiguous -to it, might be taken down at the same time; which was opposed by a -gentleman, who told the house, that he had a very high veneration for -that fabric, that he looked upon it as a noble piece of antiquity; that -he had the honour to have lived by it many years; and therefore humbly -begged the house would continue the honour to him, for it would really -make him unhappy to be deprived of it now. Counsellor Hungerford -seconded the gentleman, and said, 'Twould be a thousand pities, but he -should be indulged to live still by his gate, for he was sure he could -never live by his style. - - -413. A nobleman having presented King Charles II. with a fine horse, his -majesty bade Killigrew, who was present, tell him his age; whereupon -Killigrew went and examined the tail; What are you doing? said the king, -that is not the place to find out his age. O! sir, said Killigrew, Your -majesty knows one should never look a gift horse in the mouth. - - -414. A certain poetaster, whose head was full of a play of his own -writing, was explaining the plot and design of it to a courtier. The -scene of it, said he, is in Cappadocia; and, to judge rightly of the -play, a man must transport himself into the country, and get acquainted -with the genius of the people. You say right, answered the courtier, and -I think it would be best to have it acted there. - - -415. A young man, who was a very great talker, making a bargain with -Isocrates to be taught by him, Isocrates asked double the price that his -other scholars gave him; and the reason, said he, is, that I must teach -thee two sciences, one to speak, and the other to hold thy tongue. - - -416. A certain couple going to Dunmow in Essex, to claim the flitch of -bacon, which is to be given to every married pair, who can swear they -had no dispute, nor once repented their bargain in a year and a day, the -steward ready to deliver it, asked where they would put it; the husband -produced a bag, and told him, in that. That, answered the steward, is -not big enough to hold it. So I told my wife, replied the good man; and -I believe we have had a hundred words about it. Ay, said the steward, -but they were not such as will butter any cabbage to eat with this -bacon; and so hung the flitch up again. - - -417. Two gentlemen, one named Chambers, the other Garret, riding by -Tyburn, said the first, This is a very pretty tenement, if it had but a -Garret. You fool, said Garret, don't you know there must be Chambers -first? - - -418. Two gentlemen, one named Woodcock, the other Fuller, walking -together, happened to see an owl; said the last, That bird is very much -like a Woodcock. You are very wrong, said the first, for it's Fuller in -the head, Fuller in the eyes, and Fuller all over. - - -419. An arch boy having taken notice of his schoolmaster's often reading -a chapter in Corinthians, wherein is this sentence, 'We shall all be -changed in the twinkling of an eye,' privately erased the letter c in -the word changed. The next time the master read it, we shall all be -hanged in the twinkling of an eye. - - -420. A certain great man, who had been a furious party man, and most -surprisingly changed sides, by which he obtained a coronet, was soon -after at cards at a place where Lady T--nd was, and complaining in the -midst of the game, that he had a great pain in his side, I thought your -lordship had no side, said she. - - -421. A gentleman living in Jamaica, not long ago, had a wife not of the -most agreeable humour in the world; however, as an indulgent husband, he -had bought her a fine pad, which soon after gave her a fall that broke -her neck. Another gentleman in the same neighbourhood, blessed likewise -with a termagant spouse, asked the widower, if he would sell his wife's -pad, for he had a great fancy for it, and he would give him what he -would for it. No, said the other, I don't care to sell it, for I am not -sure that I shan't marry again. - - -422. A scholar of Dr. Busby's coming into a parlour where the doctor had -laid a fine bunch of grapes for his own eating, took it up and said -aloud, I publish the banns between these grapes and my mouth; if any one -knows any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined -together, let them declare it. The doctor, being but in the next room, -overheard all that was said, and coming into the school, he ordered the -boy who had eaten his grapes to be taken up, or, as they called it, -horsed on another boy's back; but before he proceeded to the usual -discipline, he cried out aloud, as the delinquent had done: I publish -the banns between my rod and this boy's breech, if any one knows any -just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together, -let them declare it. I forbid the banns, cried the boy. Why so? said the -doctor. Because the parties are not agreed, replied the boy. Which -answer so pleased the doctor, who loved to find any readiness of wit in -his scholars, that he ordered the boy to be set down. - - -423. The late Sir Robert Henley, who was commonly pretty much in debt, -walking one day with two or three other gentlemen in the Park, was -accosted by a tradesman, who took him aside for a minute or two, and -when the baronet rejoined his company, he seemed to be in a great -passion, which his friends taking notice of, asked him what was the -matter? Why the rascal, said he, has been dunning me for money I have -owed him these seven years, with as much impudence as if it was a debt -of yesterday. - - -424. The late Mr. D--t, the player, a man of great humanity, as will -appear by the story, having heard that his landlady's maid had cut her -throat with one of his razors, of which an account was brought to him -behind scenes at the time of the play; D--t, with great concern and -emotion, cried out, Zoons, I hope it was not with my best razor! - - -425. Joe Haines, the player, being asked what could transport Mr. -Collier into so blind a zeal for the general suppression of the stage, -when only some particular authors had abused it; whereas the stage, he -could not but know, was generally allowed, when rightly conducted, to be -a delightful method of mending the morals? For that reason, replied -Haines; Collier is, by profession, a moral-mender himself, and two of a -trade, you know, can never agree. - - -426. Some gentlemen being at a tavern together, for want of better -diversion, one proposed play; but, said another of the company, I have -fourteen good reasons against gaming. What are they? said another. In -the first place, answered he, I have no money. Oh! said the other, if -you had four hundred reasons, you need not name another. - - -427. A parson, in the country, taking his text from St. Matthew, chap. -viii. 14, 'And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever,' preached for -three Sundays together on the same subject. Soon after, two country -fellows going across the church-yard, and hearing the bell toll, one -asked the other, who it was for? Nay, I can't tell you; perhaps, replied -he, it is for Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a fever -these three weeks. - - -428. The Hon. Mr. L-- one morning, at the late Sir Robert Walpole's -levee, as I sat by them, asked John Lawton for a pinch of snuff, who -told him he had none in his box, for he seldom took any, but now and -then to keep him awake at church. That, said the other, is the most -improper thing you can do there; for it quite destroys the natural -operation of the sermon. - - -429. I remember in the reign of the late Queen Anne, when disputes ran -high between Whig and Tory, some persons suffered party to mix in every -their minutest action. A Tory would not cock his hat in the same manner -that a Whig did, nor a Whig lady patch her face on the same side that -the Tory ladies patched theirs. A pleasant instance of this strict -adherence to party in trivial affairs, was Dick W--l, who, being sent to -parliament on the Tory interest, was resolved to do nothing but what was -on that side. The house, a few days after he took his seat in it, -happening to sit late, a motion was made for candles to be brought in, -which being put to the vote, Dick pulled a high-flying member, who sat -near him, by the sleeve, and asked him if candles were for the church? -And being answered in the affirmative, very readily gave his voice for -them, which otherwise he would not have done. - - -430. A young fellow, not quite so wise as Solomon, eating some Cheshire -cheese full of mites, one night at the tavern: Now, said he, have I done -as much as Sampson, for I have slain my thousands and my ten thousands. -Yes, answered one of the company, and with the same weapon too, the -jawbone of an ass. - - -431. Poor Joe Miller going one day along the Strand, an impudent Derby -captain came swaggering up to him, and thrust between him and the wall. -I don't use to give the wall, said he, to every jackanapes. But I do, -said Joe; and so made way for him. - - -432. When the late Duke of ---- went over as Lord Lieutenant to Ireland, -he took an excellent man cook with him, but they had not been there -above a month, when, finding his grace kept a very scurvy house, he gave -him warning. What's the reason, said the duke, that you have a mind to -leave me? Why, if I continue with your excellency much longer, answered -the cook, I shall quite forget my trade. - - -433. A certain officer in the guards telling one night, in company with -Joe Miller, of several wonderful things he had seen abroad, among the -rest he told the company he had seen a pike caught that was six feet -long. That's a trifle, said Joe, I have seen a half-pike, in England, -longer by a foot, and yet not worth twopence. - - -434. Jemmy Spiller, another of the jocose comedians, going one day -through Rag Fair, a place where they sell second-hand goods, cheapened a -leg of mutton, he saw hanging up there, at a butcher's stall. The -butcher told him it was a groat a pound. Are you not an unconscionable -fellow, said Spiller, to ask such a price, when one may have a new one -for the same price in Clare Market? - - -435. A gentleman having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to -call him the king of fools. I wish, said the fellow one day, you could -make your words good, I should then be the greatest monarch in the -world. - - -436. A lawyer being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to -fools and madmen; being asked the reason for so doing: From such, said -he, I had it, and to such I give it again. - - -437. A thief being brought to Tyburn to be executed, the ordinary of -Newgate, in taking his last confession, asked him if he was not sorry -for having committed the robbery for which he was going to suffer? The -criminal answered, Yes, but that he was more sorry for not having stolen -enough to bribe the jury. - - -438. A certain poor unfortunate gentleman was so often pulled by the -sleeve by the bailiffs, that he was in continual apprehension of them; -and going one day through Tavistock Street, his coat sleeve happened to -hitch upon the iron spike of one of the rails; whereupon he immediately -turned about in a great surprise, and cried out, At whose suit, sir? at -whose suit? - - -439. A soldier in the late wars, a little before an engagement, found a -horse-shoe, and stuck it in his girdle; shortly after, in the heat of -the action, a bullet came and hit him upon that part. Well, said he, I -find a little armour will serve a turn, if it be put in the right place. - - -440. The late famous Arthur Moor, who was much in favor with the Tory -ministry, in the latter part of Queen Anne's reign, had a lady who was -reckoned a woman of great wit and humour, but of political principles -quite opposite to those of her husband. After the death of the Queen, -when it was talked of as if the late ministers would have been called to -account, my Lord B--ke meeting Mrs. Moor one day, in a visit, Well, -madam, said he, you hear how terribly we are threatened; you'll come, I -hope, and see me, when I go to Tower Hill? Upon my word, my lord, said -she, I should be extremely glad to do it: but I believe I shall be -engaged another way, for I am told my Snub (the name by which she always -called her husband) will be obliged to go the same day to Tyburn. - - -441. The same lady, coming home one evening, told her husband she wished -him joy, for she heard he was to be made a lord. (This was before the -death of Queen Anne.) And pray, said he, what did they say was to be my -title? My Lord Tariff, replied she, which was a sneer upon him, for -having been engaged in settling a tariff of trade which he was thought -well skilled in. And why don't you, when you hear any one abuse your -husband, spit in their face? said he. No, I thank you, answered the -lady, I don't intend to spit myself into a consumption. - - -442. The late Sir John Tash was a famous wine-merchant, and sold great -quantities of that liquor, but was supposed to make it chiefly without -much of the juice of the grape; therefore Alderman Parsons meeting him -one day, saluted him by the name of brother brewer. I deal in wine, Mr. -Alderman, said Sir John, and am no brewer. But I know you are, replied -the other, and can brew more by an inch of candle, than I can with a -caldron of coals. - - -443. A late archbishop having promised one of his chaplains, who was a -favourite, the first good living in his gift, that he should like, and -think worthy his acceptance; soon after hearing of the death of an old -rector, whose parsonage was worth about 300_l._ a year, sent his -chaplain to the place to see how he liked it; the doctor, when he came -back again, thanked his grace for the offer he had made him, but said, -he had met with such an account of the country, and the neighbourhood, -as was not at all agreeable to him, and therefore should be glad, if his -grace pleased, to wait till something else fell. Another vacancy not -long after happening, the archbishop sent him also to view that; but he -returned as before, not satisfied with it, which did not much please his -grace. A third living, much better than either of the others becoming -vacant, as he was told, the chaplain was sent to take a view of that; -and when he came back, Well, now, said my lord, how do you like this -last living? what objection can you have to this? I like the country -very well, my Lord, answered he, and the house, the income, and the -neighbourhood, but---- But! replied the archbishop, what but can there -be then? But, my lord, said he, I found the old incumbent smoking his -pipe at the gate of his house. - - -444. Two city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer's wife, and the -other a cheesemonger's (who perhaps stood more upon the punctilio of -precedence than some of their betters would have done at the court end -of the town) when they had risen up and taken their leaves, the -cheesemonger's wife was going out of the room first, upon which the -grocer's lady, pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and stepping -before her, No, madam, said she, nothing comes after cheese. - - -445. Old Johnson, the player, who was not only a very good actor, but a -good judge of painting, and remarkable for making many dry jokes, was -shown a picture, done by a very indifferent hand, but much commended, -and was asked his opinion of it. Why, truly, said he, the painter is a -very good painter, and observes the Lord's commandments. What do you -mean by that, Mr. Johnson? said one who stood by. Why, I think, answered -he, that he hath not made to himself the likeness of anything that is in -Heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water -under the earth. - - -446. A certain noble lord in the county of Hants, who had not much -applied himself to letters, and was remarkable for his ill-spelling, -dining at a neighbouring gentleman's house, took notice several times, -and commended a snuff-box he made use of; when my lord was gone away, -the gentleman's wife said to her husband, My dear, you did not observe -how often my lord commended your snuff-box; I dare say he would have -been highly pleased if you had made him an offer of it; if I was you I -would send it after him. The gentleman took his lady's advice, and the -next morning sent a servant away with a letter, and the snuff-box, as a -present to the lord.--The lady judged right, for my lord was mightily -delighted with it, and returned a most complaisant letter of thanks for -the present, and told the gentleman, in his ill-spelling, that he was -greatly obliged to him, and in a few days would send him an elephant, -(equivalent he would have written). The gentleman, not at all liking my -lord's proposal, sent his servant with a letter again next day, telling -his lordship, that he was very glad the box was so acceptable to him, -and thanking him for the honour he designed him, but begged he would not -think of sending what he mentioned, for it would not only be attended -with an expense, which he could not very well afford, being such a -devouring animal, but would bring such numbers of people to see it, that -it would make his house a perfect house of call. My lord, a little while -after, meeting the gentleman, told him, he was surprised at his letter, -and could not imagine what he meant by it. The elephant, said he, that -your lordship spoke of sending me. Elephant! said the learned lord, how -could a man of your understanding make such a mistake? I said I would -send you an equivalent. I beg your lordship's pardon, returned the -gentleman, and am ashamed of being such a dunce that I could not read -your lordship's letter. - - -447. Young Griffith Lloyd, of the county of Cardigan, being sent to -Jesus College, Oxford, where he was looked upon as an errant dunce, wore -a calf-skin waistcoat, tanned with the hair on, and trimmed with a broad -gold lace, and gold buttons. One of the Oxonians, an eminent punster, -said, that Griffith was like a dull book, bound in calf-skin, and gilt, -but very ill-lettered. - - -448. Old G----, the rich miser of Gloucestershire, going home one day, -between Wickivarr and Badminton, the way being greasy, after a shower of -rain, his foot slipped, and he fell off a high bank into a wet ditch, -where he was almost smothered; a countryman, who knew his character, -coming by, he begged him, for God's sake, to help him. Ay, said the -countryman, give me your hand. _Give_ being a word that old G---- had a -great aversion to, cried out, I thank you, honest friend, I will lend -you my hand with all my heart. I have often heard, said the other, that -you would never give anything in your life, so you may lie there; and on -he walked. - - -449. An old woman at the head of a table, said a satirical young one, -seems to revive the old Grecian custom of serving up a death's head with -their banquets. - - -450. The famous Tony Lee, a player in King Charles the Second's reign, -being killed in a tragedy, having a violent cold, could not forbear -coughing as he lay dead upon the stage, which occasioned a good deal of -laughter and noise in the house; he lifted up his head, and speaking to -the audience, said, This makes good what my poor mother used to tell me; -for she would often say that I should cough in my grade, because I used -to drink in my porridge. This set the house in such good humour, that it -produced a thundering peal of applause, and made every one very readily -pardon the solecism he had before committed. - - -451. Tom S--, the organist of St. M--, being reckoned to have a fine -finger, drew many people to hear him, whom, he would oftentimes -entertain with a voluntary after evening service, and his auditory -seeming one day greatly delighted with his performance, after the church -was cleared, Adad, sir, said his organ-blower, who was an idiot, I think -we did rarely to-day. We, sirrah! said Tom. Ay, we, to be sure, answered -the other; what would you have done without me? The next Sunday, Tom -sitting down to play, could not make his organ speak, whereupon, calling -to the bellows-blower, asked him what he meant? why he did not blow? -Shall it be we, then? said the other. - - -452. A certain French gentleman, having been but a very little while in -England, was invited to a friend's house, where a large bowl of punch -was made, a liquor he had never seen before, and which did not at all -agree with him; but having forgot the name of it, he asked a person the -next day, What dey call a dat liqur in England, which is all de -contradiction; where is de brandy to make it strong, and de vater to -make it small, de sugar to make it sweet, and de lemons to make it -sower. Punch, answered the other, I suppose you mean. Ay, ponche, begar, -cried monsieur, it almost ponche my brain out last night. - - -453. The famous Captain Fitzpatrick, who married 'Squire Western's -niece, and was reckoned an excellent hand at making bulls, was walking -one day with two or three ladies, a little way out of West Chester, with -his hat under his arm; the wind blowing very hard, one of the ladies -said, I wonder, captain, you will be so ceremonious to walk bare-headed -in such boisterous weather; pray, sir, put on your hat. Arrah, by my -shoul, dear madam, answered the captain, I have been after trying two or -three times already, and the wind is so high, that I can't keep my hat -upon my head any longer than 'tis under my arm. - - -454. The same gentleman being with the aforesaid ladies, in a nobleman's -garden, where there was a large iron roller, told them, he thought it -was the biggest iron rolling-stone he had ever seen in his life. - - -455. A philosopher being blamed by a stander-by, for defending an -argument weakly against the Emperor Adrian, replied, What! would you -have me contend with a man that commands thirty legions of soldiers? - - -456. A painter turned physician; upon which change, a friend applauded -him, saying, You have done well, for before, your faults could be -discovered by the naked eye, but now they are hid. - - -457. Bishop Latimer preaching at court, said, that it was reported the -king was poor, and that they were seeking ways and means to make him -rich; but he added, For my part, I think the best way to make the king -rich, would be to give him a good post, or office, for all his officers -are rich. - - -458. Zelim, the first of the Ottoman Emperors that shaved his beard, his -predecessors having always worn it long, being asked by one of his -bashaws, why he altered the custom of his predecessors? answered, -Because you bashaws shall not lead me by the beard, as you did them. - - -459. It being told Antigonus, in order to intimidate him, as he marched -to the field of battle, that the enemy would shoot such volleys of -arrows, as would intercept the light of the sun. I am glad of it, -replied he, for it being very hot, we shall then fight in the shade. - - -460. A sailor having received ten guineas for turning Roman Catholic, -said to the priest who paid him the money, Sir, you ought to give me ten -guineas more, because it is so hard to believe transubstantiation. - - -461. One seeing an affected coxcomb buying books, told him, His -bookseller was properly his upholsterer, for he furnished his room -rather than his head. - - -462. An arch wag once said, That tailors were like woodcocks, for they -got their sustenance by their long bills. - - -463. A complaint being made to the court of Spain of a certain Viceroy -of Mexico, the Secretary of State, who was his friend, wrote him word, -that he was accused at court of having extorted great sums of money from -the people under his government; which I hope, said the Secretary, is -true, or else you are undone. - - -464. At a religious meeting a lady persevered in standing on a bench, -and thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to -sit down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said gravely, I -think, if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her -stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way. This had the desired -effect--she immediately sunk down on her seat. A young minister standing -by, blushed to the temples, and said, O, brother, how could you say what -was not the fact? Not the fact! replied the old gentleman; if she had -not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how she -gets them on. - - -465. A gentleman in the country having the misfortune to have his wife -hang herself on an apple tree, a neighbour of his came to him and begged -he would give him a scion of that tree, that he might graft it upon one -in his own orchard; for who knows, said he, but it may bear the same -fruit! - - -466. St. Evremond said, in defence of Cardinal Mazarine, when he was -reproached with neglecting the good of the kingdom that he might engross -the riches of it, Well, let him get all the riches, and then he will -think of the good of the kingdom, for it will be all his own. - - -467. The late Earl of S-- kept an Irish footman, who, perhaps, was as -expert in making bulls as the most learned of his countrymen. My lord -having sent him one day with a present to a certain judge, the judge in -return sent my lord half-a-dozen live partridges with a letter; the -partridges fluttering in the basket upon Teague's back, as he was -carrying them home, he set down the basket, and opened the lid of it to -quiet them, whereupon they all flew away. Oh! the devil burn ye, said -he, I am glad you are gone. But when he came home, and my lord had read -the letter, Well, Teague, said my lord, I find there are half-a-dozen -partridges in the letter. Arrah now, dear sir, said Teague, I am glad -you have found them in the letter, for they are all lost out of the -basket. - - -468. The same nobleman going out one day, called Teague to the side of -his chariot, and bade him tell Mr. Such-a-one, if he came, that he -should be at home at dinner-time. But when my lord was got across the -square in which he lived, Teague came puffing after him, and calling to -the coachman to stop; upon which my lord, pulling the string, desired to -know what Teague wanted; My lord, said he, you bade me tell Mr. -Such-a-one, if he came, that you would dine at home; but what must I say -if he don't come? - - -469. A tailor's boy being at church, heard it said that a remnant only -should be saved. Egad, said the boy, then my master makes plaguy long -remnants. - - -470. The renowned Mr. Wh--n, the famous astronomer, had made a -calculation that the world would be at an end in fifteen years, and some -time after offered to dispose of an estate; he asked the gentleman who -was about it, at the rate of thirty years purchase, upon which the -gentleman, in great surprise, demanded how he could ask so many years -purchase, when he very well knew the world would be at an end in half -the time. - - -471. Some thievish fellows being at a tavern, they agreed amongst -themselves to steal the silver cup that was brought up to them, and when -they were going by the bar, You are welcome, gentlemen, kindly welcome, -cried the landlord. Ah, said the fellow with the cup to himself, I wish -we were well gone too. - - -472. A waterman belonging to the Tower, being put by one of the players -into the upper gallery in Covent Garden playhouse, the fellow, not being -very sober, and falling asleep, tumbled into the pit; but having the old -proverb on his side, received little or no hurt; and being told by some -of his companions that he was now free of the house, he went to Mr. Rich -(the then manager) to put in his claim, who very readily allowed it, -with this proviso, that he should always go out the same way he had come -in. - - -473. One told another, who did not use to be clothed over often, that -his new coat was too short for him; That's true, answered his friend, -but it will be long enough before I get another. - - -474. A gentleman who was travelling in Italy, saw one day, as he passed -along the road near Naples, a man standing up to his chin in a puddle of -dirty water; not able to guess at the meaning of it, he cried out to -him, What are you catching there, friend? Cold, replied the other, for I -have to sing the bass part at the opera to-night. But suppose, said the -gentleman, you catch your death. Why, then, said the other, the opera -will be damned. - - -475. In the reign of Queen Anne, when it was said Lord Orford had got a -number of peers made at once, to serve a particular turn, being met next -day by Lord Wharton,--So, Robin, said he, I find what you lost by tricks -you have gained by honours. - - -476. A young gentleman who had stolen a ward, being in suit for her -fortune, before a late lord chancellor, and the counsel insisting much -on the equity of decreeing her a fortune for her maintenance, his -lordship turned briskly upon him with this sentence, That since the -suitor had stolen the flesh, he should get bread to it how he could. - - -477. A country fellow, who had served several years in the army abroad, -when the war was over, coming home to his friends, was received amongst -them with great rejoicing, and the miraculous stories related by him -were heard with no small pleasure. Well, said the old father, and -prythee Jack, what didst thou learn there? Learn, sir, why I learnt to -know that when I turned my shirt, the vermin had a day's march to my -skin again. - - -478. An Irish barrister had a client of his own country who was a -sailor, and having been at sea for some time, his wife was married again -in his absence, so he was resolved to prosecute her; and coming to -advise with the counsellor, told him he must have witnesses to prove -that he was alive when his wife married again. Arrah, by my shoul, but -that shall be impossible, said the other, for my shipmates are all gone -to sea again upon a long voyage, and shan't return this twelve-month. -Oh! then, answered the counsellor, there can be nothing done in it, and -what a pity it is that such a brave cause should be lost now, only -because you cannot prove yourself to be alive. - - -479. King Charles the First being prevailed upon by one of his courtiers -to knight a very worthless fellow, of mean aspect, when he was going to -lay the sword upon his shoulder the new knight drew a little back, and -hung down his head as out of countenance; Don't be ashamed, said the -king, 'tis I have most reason to be so. - - -480. One said Sir John Cutler looked very dismally when night came on, -not because it brought darkness with it, but because daylight saved him -a candle. - - -481. A man was reproached by another with barbarity in beating his wife -so severely as he often did; Go, you are a fool, and ignorant of the -scriptures, said he, else you would know that it was a proof of my love -for her, otherwise I would not be at the trouble; but he that the Lord -loveth he chastizeth, and so do I. - - -482. An Irish soldier once returning from battle in the night, marching -a little way behind his companion, called out to him, Hollo, Pat, I have -catch'd a tartar! Bring him along then! Ay, but he won't come. Why then -come away without him. By Jasus, but he won't let me! - - -483. A very harmless Irishman, eating an apple-pie with some quinces in -it, Arrah now, dear honey, said he, if a few of these quinces give such -a flavour, how would an apple-pie taste made all of quinces? - - -484. The late duke of Wharton, going through Holborn in a hackney coach, -with Phil. F--, saw a fellow drumming before the door of a puppet-show; -Now, this is a pretty employment, Phil., said the duke; if you were -reduced so low, that you were obliged to be either a highwayman or -drummer to a puppet-show, which would you choose? Faith, my lord, -answered Phil., I would be the highwayman rather than the other. Ay, -replied the duke, that confirms the opinion I always had of you, that -you have more pride than honesty. - - -485. Sir T. P. once in parliament brought in a bill that wanted some -amendment, which being not attended to by the house, he frequently -repeated that he thirsted to mend his bill. Upon which a worthy member -got up, and said, Mr. Speaker, I humbly move, since the honourable -member thirsts so very much, that he may be allowed to mend his draught. -This put the house in such a good humour, that his request was granted. - - -486. An English gentleman asked Sir Richard Steele, who was an Irishman, -What was the reason that his countrymen were so remarkable for -blundering and making bulls? Faith, said the knight, I believe there is -something in the air of Ireland; and I dare say, if an Englishman was -born there he would do the same. - - -487. A gentleman who was a staunch Whig, disputing with a Jacobite, -said, he had two good reasons for being against the interest of the -pretender: What are those? said the other. The first, replied he, is, -that he is an impostor, not really King James's son: Why, that, said the -Tory, would be a good reason, if it could be proved. And, pray, sir, -what is your other? Why, said the Whig, that he is King James's son. - - -488. Although the infirmities of nature are not proper subjects to be -made a jest of, yet when people take a great deal of pains to conceal -what everybody sees, there is nothing more ridiculous: of this sort was -old Cross the player, who, being very deaf, did not care anybody should -know it. Honest Joe Miller going with a friend one day along Fleet -Street, and seeing old Cross on the other side of the way, told his -acquaintance he should see some sport; so beckoning to Cross with his -finger, and stretching open his mouth as wide as he could, as if he -hallooed to him, though he said nothing, the old fellow came puffing -from the other side of the way; What the deuce, said he, do you make -such a noise for? do you think one can't hear? - - -489. There is in Rome a certain broken statue called Pasquin, to which, -in the night time, people affix the libels they dare not own; a kind of -dumb satire on the vices of the grandees, not sparing even the Pope -himself, as may be seen by the following story:--A late Pope, being -descended from a very mean family, on his advancement to the holy see, -bestowed great preferment on most of his poor relations; whereupon -Pasquin, on the next great festival, early in the morning, was observed -to have an extremely dirty shirt on, with a scroll of paper in his hand, -whereon was written, How now, Pasquin? What! so dirty upon a holiday? -and under that his answer: Alas! I have no clean linen, my washerwoman -is made a princess. - - -490. An Irishman and an Englishman falling out, the Hibernian told him -if he did not hold his tongue, he would break his impenetrable head and -let the brains out of his empty skull! - - -491. Rogers, when a certain M.P. wrote a review of his poems, and said -he wrote very well for a banker, wrote in return, the following: - - They say he has no heart, but I deny it: - He has a heart, he gets his speeches by it. - - -492. A prisoner being brought up to Bow Street, the following dialogue -passed between him and the sitting magistrate:--How do you live? Pretty -well, sir, generally a joint and pudding at dinner. I mean, sir, how do -you get your bread? I beg your worship's pardon; sometimes at the -baker's, and sometimes at the chandler's shop. You may be as witty as -you please, sir; but I mean simply to ask you how do you do? Tolerably -well, I thank your worship: I hope your worship is well. - - -493. When Citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high -treason, during the evidence for the prosecution, he wrote the following -note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: I am determined to plead -my cause myself. Mr. Erskine wrote under it: If you do you'll be -hanged;--to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply: I'll be -hanged if I do. - - -494. Chateauneuf, keeper of the seals under Louis XIII. when a boy of -only nine years old, was asked many questions by a bishop, and gave very -prompt answers to them all. At length the prelate said, I will give you -an orange if you will tell me where God is? My lord, replied the boy, I -will give you two if you will tell me where He is not. - - -495. A Mr. Johnstone having been lost in the dreadful conflagration of -the Theatre Royal Covent Garden, Mr. John Johnstone, of Drury Lane, -received a letter from an Irish friend, requesting to know, by the -return of post, if it was he that was really burned or not. - - -496. A gentleman who lived in Great Turnstile, Holborn, being the -subject of conversation in a party, a person inquired where he lived, if -he had a large house, kept a good table, &c. Oh! yes, answered another, -he lives in the greatest stile in Holborn. - - -497. Gentleman and ladies,--said the facetious Beau Nash, the then -master of the ceremonies for Bath, introducing a most lovely woman into -the ball-room,--this is Mrs. Hobson. I have often heard of Hobson's -choice, but never had the pleasure to view it until now, and you must -coincide with me that it reflects credit on his taste. - - -498. A gentleman on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant -feat in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares -before breakfast. Thirty-three hairs! exclaimed his lordship; Zounds, -sir! then you must have been firing at a wig. - - -499. During Lord Townshend's residence in Dublin, as viceroy, he often -went in disguise through the city. He had heard much of the wit of a -shoeblack, known by the name of Blind Peter, whose stand was always at -the Globe Coffee-house door; having found him out, he stopped to get his -boots cleaned; which was no sooner done than his lordship asked Peter to -give him change for a guinea. A guinea! your honour, said the ragged -wit, change for a guinea from me! Sir, you may as well ask a Highlander -for a knee-buckle. His lordship was so well pleased, that he left him -the gold. - - -500. A late nobleman, who was very avaricious, was upon the same good -terms with his lady as the elements of water and lightning when they -encounter in the atmosphere. I am of opinion, my lord, said her -ladyship, that you would marry the devil's daughter, after my decease, -if her dowry were equal to your expectations. That is impossible, my -lady, replied the earl, for it is contrary to the law of England to -marry two sisters. - - -501. A gentleman staying late one night at the tavern, his wife sent his -servant for him about twelve. John, said he, go home and tell your -mistress it can be no more. The man returned, by his mistress's order, -again at one, the answer then was, it could be no less. But, sir, said -the man, day has broke. With all my heart, replied the master, he owes -me nothing. But the sun is up, sir. And so he ought to be, John, ought -he not? He has farther to go than we have, I am sure. - - -502. A noisy talkative spark, who had a handsome place in the king's -revenue, more than he merited, was holding an argument one day with a -gentleman, at a public coffee-house; the controversy turned upon some -point of government, and his antagonist, who had somewhat galled him by -the strength of his argument, referred him to such a place in history, -where he would find how much he was mistaken in the dispute. Phoo, said -said he, d'ye think I have no other business but to read histories? -Faith, said the other, 'tis pity you had, till you had read a little -more. - - -503. Susan, a country girl, desirous of matrimony, received from her -mistress a present of a 5_l._ bank note for her marriage portion. Her -mistress wished to see the object of Susan's favour; and a very -diminutive fellow, swarthy as a Moor, and ugly as an ape, made his -appearance. Ah, Susan, said her mistress, what a strange choice you have -made! La, ma'am, said Susan, in such hard times as these, when almost -all the tall fellows are gone for soldiers, what more of a man than this -can you expect for a 5_l._ note? - - -504. There happened, when Swift was at Larcone in Ireland, the sale of a -farm and stock, the farmer being dead. Swift chanced to walk past during -the auction, just as a pen of poultry had been put up. Roger (Swift's -clerk) bid for them, but was overbid by a farmer of the name of Hatch. -What, Roger, won't you buy the poultry? exclaimed Swift. No, sir, said -Roger, I see they are just a going to Hatch. - - -505. In a debate on the leather tax, in 1795, in the Irish House of -Commons, the Chancellor of the Exchequer (Sir John P----) observed, with -great emphasis, That, in the prosecution of the present war, every man -ought to give his last guinea to protect the remainder. Mr. Vaudelure -said, that however that might be, the tax on leather would be severely -felt by the barefooted peasantry of Ireland. To which Sir Boyle Roache -replied, that this could be easily remedied, by making the -under-leathers of wood. - - -506. Lieutenant Connolly, an Irishman in the service of the United -States, during the American war, chanced to take three Hessian prisoners -himself, without any assistance. Being asked by the commander in chief -how he had taken them? I surrounded them, was the answer. - - -507. A seedsman being held to bail for having used inflammatory language -respecting the reform bill, a wag observed, It was probably in the line -of his profession--to promote business, he wished to sow sedition. - - -508. When Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the -same play, the night being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the -mortification of Quin, Mr. Garrick's chair came up first. Let me get -into the chair, cried the surly veteran--let me get into the chair, and -put little Davy into the lantern. By all means, said Garrick; I shall -ever be happy to give Mr. Quin light in anything. - - -509. The late Richard Russel, esq. had a renter's share at Drury Lane, -where he used to go almost every evening; and, notwithstanding his -immense fortune, his penury was so great, that rather than give a trifle -to any of the women who attended in the lobby-box to take care of his -great coat on an evening, he used constantly to pledge it for a -shilling, at a pawnbroker's near the theatre, and redeem it when the -performance was over, which cost him one halfpenny interest. - - -510. A mountebank, expatiating on the virtues of his drawing salve, and -reciting many instances of its success, was interrupted by an old woman, -who asserted, rather iron-ically, that she had seen it draw out of a -door four rusty tenpenny nails, that defied the united efforts of two of -the strongest blacksmiths, with their hammers and pincers. - - -511. At the close of that season in which Shuter, the comedian, first -became so universally and deservedly celebrated in his Master Stephen, -in the revived comedy of Every Man in his Humour, he was engaged for a -few nights, in a principal city in the north of England. It happened -that the coach in which he went down (and in which there was only an old -gentleman and himself) was stopped on the other side of Finchley Common -by a highwayman. The old gentleman, in order to save his own money, -pretended to be asleep; but Shuter resolved to be even with him. -Accordingly, when the highwayman presented his pistol, and commanded -Shuter to deliver his money instantly, or he was a dead man--Money! -returned he, with an idiotic shrug, and a countenance inexpressibly -vacant; Oh! Lord, sir, they never trusts me with any; for nuncle here -always pays for me, turnpikes and all, your honour! Upon which the -highwayman giving him a few curses for his stupidity, complimented the -old gentleman with a smart slap on the face to awaken him, and robbed -him of every shiling; while Shuter, who did not lose a single farthing, -with great satisfaction and merriment, pursued his journey, laughing -heartily at his fellow-traveller. - - -512. This excellent comedian was once in disgrace with the audience, in -consequence of irregularities:--they demanded an apology. Shuter was -somewhat tardy; and a lady was going on with her part; but the audience -called out, Shuter! Shuter!--the arch comedian peeped from behind the -curtain, and said, Pray do not shoot her; the lady is innocent, the -fault is entirely my own. This put the house in good humour, and Shuter -was received with applause. - - -513. Two sailors, the one Irish, the other English, agreed reciprocally -to take care of each other, in case of either being wounded in an action -then about to commence. It was not long before the Englishman's leg was -shot off by a cannon-ball; and on asking Paddy to carry him to the -doctor according to their agreement, the other very readily complied; -but had scarcely got his wounded companion on his back when a second -ball struck off the poor fellow's head. Paddy, through the noise and -bustle, had not perceived his friend's last misfortune, but continued to -make the best of his way to the surgeon. An officer observing him with -the headless trunk, asked him where he was going? To the doctor, said -Paddy. To the doctor! said the officer, why, blockhead, the man has lost -his head. On hearing this, he flung the body from his shoulders, and -looking at it very attentively, By my shoul, said he, he told me it was -his leg, but I was a fool to believe him, for he was always a great -liar. - - -514. C. Bannister employed his tailor to make him a pair of -small-clothes, and sent him an old pair as a pattern. When the new ones -came home, Charles complained that there was no fob. I didn't think you -wanted one, said Snip, since I found the duplicate of your watch in the -old pocket! - - -515. What's the matter? inquired a passer-by, observing a crowd -collected around a black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to -secure, to put on board an outward-bound whale ship, from which he had -deserted. Matter! matter enough, (exclaimed the delinquent,) pressing a -poor negro to get oil. - - -516. In a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to -her sister, I wonder, my dear, you have never made a match, I think you -want the brimstone. To which she replied, No, not the brimstone, only -the spark. - - -517. A mischievous English rider, who happened to sleep at an inn with -an Irishman, whose naked leg was hanging over the bed, wantonly buckled -a spur round his ancle. In tossing about in his slumbers, Pat drew his -foot across the other leg, and mangled it most cruelly. On discovering -his situation, he knocked up the bootjack-boy, and swore at him for an -awkward scoundrel, for taking off his boots and letting a spur remain -on. - - -518. An Irish clergyman having gone to visit the portraits of the -Scottish kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the monarchs of a very -youthful appearance, while his son was depicted with a long beard, and -wore the traits of extreme old age. Sancta Maria, exclaimed the good -Hibernian, is it possible that this gentleman was an old man when his -father was born! - - -519. Mr. Watson, uncle to the late Marquis of Rockingham, a man of -immense fortune, finding himself at the point of death, desired a friend -who was present, to open him a drawer, in which was an old shirt, that -he might put it on. Being asked why he would wish to change his linen -when he was so ill, he replied, Because I am told that the shirt I die -in must be the nurse's perquisite, and that is good enough for -her!--This was as bad as the old woman, who, with her last breath, blew -out an inch of candle, Because, said she, I can see to die in the dark! - - -520. An officer had the misfortune to be severely wounded in an -engagement. As he lay on the field, an unfortunate near him, who was -also badly wounded, gave vent to his agony in dreadful howls, which so -irritated the officer, who bore his own suffering in silence, that he -exclaimed, What do you make such a noise for? Do you think nobody is -killed but yourself? - - -521. The love of long christian names by the Spaniards has frequently -been an object of ridicule. A Spaniard on his travels arrived in the -night at a little village in France, in which there was but one hotel. -As it was almost midnight, he knocked at the door a long while without -hearing any one stir. At length the host putting his head out of his -chamber window, asked who was there? The Spaniard replied, Don Juan -Pedro Hernandez Rodriguez Alvarez de Villa-nova, Count de Malafra, -Cavallero de Santiago de Alcantara. Mercy on me! said the host, as he -shut the window, I have but two spare beds, and you ask me lodging for a -score! - - -522. A gentleman, of the name of Pepper, having informed a noble amateur -in the sports of the field, that he had a very hot and lively horse, -which had flung him in the course of a chase on the preceding day, a -conversation ensued on the qualities of the animal. In reply to a -question as to the name of the horse, the gentleman stated that he had -not yet given it one, and was at a loss what to call him. A name, a -name, said Lord N., why, sir, you should call him Peppercaster. - - -523. A wag passing through a country town, observed a fellow placed in -the stocks. My friend, said he, I advise you by all means to sell out. I -should have no objection, your honour, he replied drily, but at present -they seem much too low. - - -524. Two Irishmen about to be hanged during the rebellion of 1798, the -gallows was erected over the margin of a river. When the first man was -drawn up, the rope gave way, he fell into the stream, and escaped by -swimming. The remaining culprit, looking up to the executioner, said, -with genuine native simplicity, and an earnestness that evinced his -sincerity, Do, good Mr. Ketch, if you please, tie me up tight, for, if -the rope breaks, I'm sure to be drowned, for I can't swim a stroke. - - -525. A country justice of the peace, when upwards of seventy years of -age, married a girl about nineteen, and being well aware that he was -likely to be rallied on the subject, he resolved to be prepared. -Accordingly, when any of his intimate friends called upon him, after the -first salutations were passed, he was sure to begin the conversation, by -saying, he believed he could tell them news. Why, said he, I have -married my tailor's daughter. If he was asked why he did so? the old -gentleman replied, Why, the father suited me so well for forty years -past, that I thought the daughter might suit me for forty years to come. - - -526. Sheridan inquiring of his son what side of politics he should -espouse on his inauguration to St. Stephen's Chapel; the son replied, -that he intended to vote for those who offered best, and that in -consequence he should wear on his forehead a label, 'To let.' To which -the facetious critic rejoined, I suppose, Tom, you mean to add, -'unfurnished'? - - -527. A certain person asking a merry Andrew, why he played the fool? For -the same reason, said he, that you do, out of want--you do it for want -of wit, and I do it for want of money. - - -528. David Garrick was once on a visit at Mr. Rigby's seat, Mistley -Hall, Essex, when Dr. Gough formed one of the party. Observing the -potent appetite of the learned doctor, Garrick indulged in some coarse -jests on the occasion, to the great amusement of the company, the doctor -excepted; who, when the laugh had subsided, thus addressed the -party:--Gentlemen, you must doubtless suppose from the extreme -familiarity with which Mr. Garrick has thought fit to treat me, that I -am an acquaintance of his; but I can assure you that, till I met him -here, I never saw him but once before, and then I paid five shillings -for the sight. Roscius was silent. - - -529. Mr. Carbonel, the wine-merchant who served George the Third, was a -great favourite with the king, and used to be admitted to the royal -hunts. Returning from the chase one day, his majesty entered affably -into conversation with him, and they rode side by side a considerable -way. Lord Walsingham was in attendance; and watching an opportunity, -took Mr. Carbonel aside, and whispered something to him. What's that? -what's that Walsingham has been saying to you? inquired the -good-humoured monarch. I find, sir, I have been unintentionally guilty -of disrespect; my lord informed me that I ought to have taken off my hat -whenever I addressed your majesty; but your majesty will please to -observe, that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened to my wig, and my wig -is fastened to my head, and I am on the back of a very high-spirited -horse, so that if anything goes off, we must all go off together! The -king laughed heartily at the whimsical apology. - - -530. In the campaign of 1812, a distinguished officer of the French army -was severely wounded in the leg. The surgeons on consulting, declared -that amputation was indispensable. The general received the intelligence -with much composure. Among the persons who surrounded him, he observed -his valet-de-chambre, who showed by his profound grief the deep share -which he took in the melancholy accident. Why do you weep, Germain? said -his master, smiling to him. It is a fortunate thing for you: you will -have only one boot to clean in future. - - -531. So ungrateful was the sound of 'Wilkes and No. 45' (the famous -number of the 'North Briton') deemed to be to a high personage, that -about 1772, a Prince of the Blood (George IV.) then a mere boy, having -been chid for some boyish fault, and wishing to take his boyish revenge, -is related to have done so by stealing to the king's apartments, and -shouting at the door, 'Wilkes and 45 for ever!' and running away. It is -hardly necessary to add, (for who knows not the domestic amiableness of -George III.?) that his majesty laughed at the thing with his accustomed -good humour. - - -532. Admiral Lord Howe, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the -middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him -with great agitation, that the ship was on fire near the magazine. If -that be the case, said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, we -shall soon know it. The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger, and -almost instantly returning, exclaimed, You need not, sir, be afraid, the -fire is extinguished. Afraid! exclaimed Howe, what do you mean by that, -sir? I never was afraid in my life; and looking the lieutenant full in -the face, he added, Pray how does a man feel, sir, when he is afraid? I -need not ask how he looks. - - -533. The late Councillor Caldbeck, of the Irish bar, who drudged in his -profession till he was near eighty, being a king's counsel, frequently -went circuit, as judge of assize when any one of the twelve judges was -prevented by illness. On one of those occasions, a fellow was convicted -before him at Wexford for bigamy; and when the learned counsel came to -pass sentence, after lecturing the fellow pretty roundly upon the nature -of his uxorious crime, added, The only punishment which the law -authorizes me to inflict is, that you be transported to parts beyond the -seas for the term of seven years; but if I had my will, you should not -escape with so mild a punishment, for I would sentence you for the term -of your natural life--to live in the same house with both your wives. - - -534. A tailor following the army, was wounded in the head by an arrow. -When the surgeon saw the wound, he told his patient, that as the weapon -had not touched his brain, there was no doubt of his recovery. The -tailor said, If I had possessed any brains, I should not have been here. - - -535. A young woman had laid a wager she would descend into a vault, in -the middle of the night, and bring from thence a skull. The person who -took the wager, previously hid himself in the vault, and as the girl -seized a skull, cried, in a hollow voice, Leave me my head! There it is, -said the girl, throwing it down, and catching up another. Leave me my -head! said the same voice. Nay, nay, said the heroic lass, you cannot -have two heads: so brought the skull, and won the wager. - - -536. The daughter of a respectable farmer in Carmarthenshire, was lately -betrothed to a young man in the neighbourhood of Tenby; but lovers' -quarrels occurring about three weeks before the day appointed for the -marriage, the swain turned on his heel, and immediately proposed to -another sister, who assented, without hesitation, on the ground of its -being too great a sacrifice to lose such a nice young man out of the -family; and, on the day named for the former marriage, the latter took -place. - - -537. The Princess of Conti, daughter of Louis XIV., speaking to the -ambassador of Morocco, highly disapproved of the plurality of wives -which prevails among the Mahomedans. We should only require one, replied -the gallant ambassador, if each resembled you, madam. - - -538. The Laird of M'N--b was writing to one of his Dulcineas from an -Edinburgh coffee-house, when a gentleman of his acquaintance observed -that he was setting at defiance the laws of orthography and grammar. How -can a man write grammar with a pen like this? exclaimed the Highland -chieftain. - - -539. In a village of Picardy, after a long sickness, a farmer's wife -fell into a lethargy. Her husband was willing, good man, to believe her -out of pain; and so, according to the custom of that country, she was -wrapped in a sheet, and carried out to be buried. But, as ill-luck would -have it, the bearers carried her so near a hedge, that the thorns -pierced the sheet, and waked the woman from her trance. Some years -after, she died in reality; and, as the funeral passed along, the -husband would every now and then call out, Not too near the hedge, not -too near the hedge, neighbours. - - -540. The Germans sleep between two beds; and it is related, that an -Irish traveller, upon finding a feather-bed thus laid over him, took it -into his head that the people slept in strata, one upon the other, and -said to the attendant, Will you be good enough to tell the gentleman or -lady that is to lay over me, to make haste, as I wish to go to sleep. - - -541. When Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person -to his late majesty as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which -the king himself was determined should be filled by another. The -council, however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a -dangerous precedent. It was Lord Chesterfield's business to present the -grant of office for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty, by -asking him abruptly, he, with great humility, begged to know with whose -name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up? With the -devil's! replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. And shall the -instrument, said the earl coolly, run as usual, Our trusty and -well-beloved cousin and counsellor?--a repartee at which the king -laughed heartily, and with great good humour signed the grant. - - -542. A fire happening at a public-house, one of the crowd was requesting -the engineer to play against the wainscot: but being told it was in no -danger, I am sorry for that, said he, because I have a long score upon -it, which I shall never be able to pay. - - -543. Among the curiosities at Apsley House, is the truckle bed in which -the Duke of Wellington slept. Why it is so narrow? exclaimed a friend; -there is not room to turn in it. Turn in it! cried his grace, when once -a man begins to turn in bed, it is time to turn out. - - -544. A person of the name of Fish, having made a short trip in a -balloon, on coming again to _terra firma_, was seized with a swoon. A -gentleman asking one of the crowd collected around him, What was the -matter? was answered, Nothing but a flat fish, who has been out of his -element. - - -545. I can't conceive, said one nobleman to another, how it is that you -manage: I am convinced that you are not of a temper to spend more than -your income; and yet, though your estate is less than mine, I could not -afford to live at the rate you do. My lord, said the other, I have a -situation. A situation! you amaze me, I never heard of it till now--pray -what is it? I am my own steward. - - -546. A gentleman remarked the other day to an Irish baronet, that the -science of optics was now brought to the highest perfection; for that, -by the aid of a telescope, which he had just purchased, he could discern -objects at an incredible distance. My dear fellow, replied the -good-humoured baronet, I have one at my lodge in the county of Wexford -that will be a match for it; it brought the church of Enniscorthy so -near to my view, that I could hear the whole congregation singing -psalms. - - -547. A clergyman was reproving a married couple for their frequent -dissensions, which were very unbecoming both in the eye of God and man, -seeing, as he observed, that they were both one. Both one! cried the -husband, Was your reverence to come by our door sometimes, you would -swear we were twenty. - - -548. A person whose name was Gun, complaining to a friend, that his -attorney, in his bill, had not let him off easily, That is no wonder, -said he, as he charged you too high. - - -549. A Scotchman maintained that the Garden of Eden was certainly placed -in Scotland. For said he, have we not, all within a mile of one another, -Adam's Mount, the Elysian Fields, Paradise Place, and the city of -Eden-burgh? - - -550. A wealthy merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting to a confidential -friend that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded -by saying, Yet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as -it is now too late to part them. But then, his condition; how can I -introduce him? Nonsense, replied his companion, introduce him as a -Livery-man of the city. - - -551. A gentleman perceiving the common-crier of Bristol unemployed, -inquired the reason: I can't cry to-day, sir, said he, my wife is just -dead. - - -552. Truth is not unfrequently extracted by accident. Mr. L., whose -police office is frequently clamorous with the litigators of shilling -warrants, suddenly called out, Silence there! There's been, added he, -two or three people committed already, and I have not heard a word they -have said. - - -553. A wag called on his friend at his country-house, and perceiving him -running very fast through his grounds to meet him, told the gentleman he -was very sorry to see him go on so ill? Why so? replied the other. I -see, rejoined the wag, you are running through your estate very fast. - - -554. An Irish captain being on the ocean, many leagues from the most -remote part of land, beheld at a short distance four sail of ships, and -in the joy of his heart exclaimed, Arrah! my lads, pipe all hands on -deck to behold this rich landscape. - - -555. An Hibernian schoolmaster, settled in a village near London, who -advertised that he intended to keep a Sunday-school twice a week, -Tuesdays and Thursdays, reminds us of the mock mayor of a place in the -west, who declared on his election, that he was resolved to hold his -Quarter Sessions monthly. - - -556. A Londoner told his friend he was going to Margate for a change of -hair. You had better, said the other, go to the wig-maker's shop. - - -557. When Lieutenant O'Brien (who was called Sky-rocket Jack) was blown -up at Spithead, in the Edgar, he was on the carriage of a gun, and being -brought to the admiral, all black and wet, he said with pleasantry, I -hope, sir, you will excuse my dirty appearance, for I came out of the -ship in so great a hurry, that I had not time to shift myself. - - -558. An Irishman one day found a light guinea, which he was obliged to -sell for eighteen shillings. Next day he saw another guinea lying on the -street. No, no, said he, I'll have nothing to do with you; I lost three -shillings by your brother yesterday. - - -559. A healthy old gentleman was once asked by the king, what physician -and apothecary he made use of, to look so well at his time of life. -Sire, replied the gentleman, my physician has always been a horse, and -my apothecary an ass. - - -560. A poor woman, who had attended several confirmations, was at length -recognised by the bishop. Pray, have I not seen you here before? said -his lordship. Yes, replied the woman, I get me confirmed as often as I -can: they tell me it is good for the rheumatis. - - -561. A dancer said to another person, You cannot stand so long upon one -leg as I can. True, answered the other, but a goose can. - - -562. A person applied to Quin, as manager, to be admitted on the stage. -As a specimen of his dramatic powers, he began the famous soliloquy of -Hamlet, - - To be, or not to be, that is the question. - -Quin, indignant at the man's absurd elocution, exclaimed, very -decisively, No question, upon my honour; not to be, most certainly. - - -563. An Irishman going to be hanged, begged that the rope might be tied -under his arms instead of round his neck; for, said Pat, I am so -remarkably ticklish in the throat, that if tied there, I will certainly -kill myself with laughing. - - -564. A respectable surgeon in London, making his daily round to see his -patients, had occasion to call at a house in Charing Cross, where he -left his horse to the care of a Jew boy, whom he casually saw in the -streets. On coming out of the house, he naturally enough expected to -find his trusty servant treating himself with a ride; but no--Mordecai -knew the use of time and the value of money a little better;--he was -letting the horse to little boys in the street, a penny a ride to the -Horse Guards and back! - - -565. At the breaking up of a tavern dinner, two of the party fell down -stairs, the one tumbling to the first landing place, the other rolling -to the bottom:--it was observed, that the first seemed dead drunk. Yes, -said a wag, but he's not so far gone as the gentleman below. - - -566. When the baggage of Lady Hamilton was landed at Palermo, Lord -Nelson's coxswain was very active in conveying it to the ambassador's -hotel. Lady Hamilton observed this, and presenting the man with a -moidore, said, Now, my friend, what will you have to drink? Why, please -your honour, said the coxswain, I am not thirsty. But, said her -ladyship, Nelson's steersman must drink with me, so what will you take, -a dram, a glass of grog, or a glass of punch? Why, said Jack, as I am to -drink with your ladyship's honour, it would not be good manners to be -backward, so I'll take the dram now, and will be drinking the glass of -grog while your ladyship is mixing the tumbler of punch for me. - - -567. When Paddy Blake heard an English gentleman speaking of the fine -echo at the lake of Killarney, which repeats the sound forty times, he -very promptly observed, Poh! faith that's nothing at all, to the echo in -my father's garden, in the county of Galway; there, honey, if you were -to say to it, How do you do, Paddy Blake? it would answer, Very well, I -thank you, sir. - - -568. When a late duchess of Bedford was at Buxton, in her eighty-fifth -year, it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty to resolve -every complaint of whim and caprice into a shock of the nervous system. -Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in the rooms what -brought them there, and being generally answered, for a nervous -complaint, was asked, in her turn, What brought her to Buxton? I came -only for pleasure, answered the healthy duchess; for, thank goodness, I -was born before nerves came into fashion. - - -569. As a clergyman was burying a corpse, a woman came, and pulled him -by the sleeve, in the middle of the service. Sir, sir, I want to speak -with you. Prithee wait, woman, till I have done. No, sir; I must speak -to you immediately. Well, then, what is the matter? Why, sir, you are -going to bury a man who died of the small pox, near my poor husband, who -never had it. - - -570. What have you to say, old Bacon-face? said a counsellor to a -farmer, at a late Cambridge assizes. Why, answered the farmer, I am -thinking that my bacon face and your calf's head would make a very good -dish. - - -571. A scholar, a bald man, and a barber, travelling together, agreed -each to watch four hours in the night, in turn, for the sake of -security. The barber's lot came first, who shaved the scholar's head -while he was asleep, then waked him when his turn came. The scholar, -scratching his head, and feeling it bald, exclaimed, you wretch of a -barber, you have waked the bald man instead of me. - - -572. A man much addicted to drinking, being extremely ill with a fever, -a consultation was held in his bed-chamber by three physicians, how to -cure the fever, and abate the thirst. Gentlemen, said he, I will take -half the trouble off your hands; you cure the fever, and I will abate -the thirst myself. - - -573. Dean Swift knew an old woman of the name of Margaret Styles, who -was much addicted to drinking. Though frequently admonished by him, he -one day found her at the bottom of a ditch, with a bundle of sticks, -with which, being in her old way, she had tumbled in. The dean, after -severely rebuking her, asked her, where she thought of going to? -(meaning after her death). I'll tell you, sir, said she, if you will -help me up. When he had assisted her, and repeated his question--Where -do I think of going to? said she, where the best liquor is, to be sure! - - -574. A gentleman having engaged to fight a main of cocks, directed his -feeder in the country, who was a son of the sod, to pick out two of the -best, and bring them to town. Paddy, having made his selection, put the -two cocks together into a bag, and brought them with him in the -mail-coach. When they arrived, it was found upon their journey they had -almost torn each other to pieces; on which Paddy was severely taken to -task for his stupidity, in putting both cocks into one bag. Indeed, said -the honest Hibernian, I thought there was no risk of their falling out, -as they were going to fight on the same side. - - -575. In the late Irish rebellion, J. C. Beresford, esq. a banker, and -member for Dublin, rendered himself so very obnoxious to the rebels, in -consequence of his vigilance in bringing them to punishment, that -whenever they found any of his bank-notes in plundering a house, the -general cry was, By Jasus! we'll ruin the rascal! we'll destroy every -note of his we can find: and they actually destroyed, it is supposed, -upwards of 20,000_l._ worth of his notes during the rebellion. - - -576. An Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, I am -eldest, said he, but if my brother lives three years longer, we shall be -both of an age. - - -577. A reverend gentleman seeing a fishwoman skinning some eels, said to -her, How can you be so cruel? don't you think you put them to a great -deal of pain? Why, your honour, she replied, I might when I first began -business; but I have dealt in them twenty years, and by this time they -must be quite used to it. - - -578. A gentleman crossing the water lately below Limehouse, and wanting -to learn the price of coals in the pool, hailed one of the labourers at -work in a tier of colliers, with Well, Paddy, how are coals? Black as -ever, your honour, replied the Irishman. - - -579. An English labourer in Cheshire attempting to drown himself, an -Irish reaper, who saw him go into the water, leaped after him, and -brought him safe to shore. The fellow attempting it a second time, the -reaper a second time got him out; but the labourer being determined to -destroy himself, watched an opportunity and hanged himself behind the -barn door. The Irishman observed him, but never offered to cut him down; -when, several hours afterwards, the master of the farm-yard asked him -upon what ground he had suffered the poor fellow to hang there? Faith, -replied Patrick, I don't know what you mean by ground: I know I was so -good to him that I fetched him out of the water two times--and I know, -too, he was wet through every rag, and I thought he hung himself up to -dry, and you know, I could have no right to prevent him. - - -580. A devout lady offered up a prayer to St. Ignatius, for the -conversion of her husband; a few days after the good man died. What a -good saint is our Ignatius, exclaimed the consolable widow, he bestows -on us more benefits than we ask for! - - -581. An author, who had given a comedy into the hands of a manager for -his perusal, called on him for his opinion of the piece. Whilst the poor -author in trembling anxiety expected the fate of his performance, the -manager returned the play with a grave face, saying, Sir, depend upon it -this is a thing not to be laughed at. - - -582. An Irish officer in battle happening to bow, a cannon-ball passed -over his head, and took off the head of a soldier who stood behind him: -You see, said he, that a man never loses by politeness. - - -583. A quartermaster in a regiment of light horse, who was about six -feet high, and very corpulent, was joking with an Irishman concerning -the natural proneness of his countrymen to make bulls in conversation. -By my soul, said the Irishman, Ireland never made such a bull in all her -lifetime as England did when she made a light horseman of you. - - -584. An Hibernian officer, being once in company with several who -belonged to the same corps, one of them, in a laugh, said he would lay a -dozen of claret, that the Irishman made a bull before any other of the -party. Done, said Terence. The wager was laid, and by way of puzzling -him, he was asked how many bulls there were in that town. Five, said he. -How do you make them out? said the other. Faith, said he, there is the -Black Bull in the market-place, and the Red Bull over the way; then -there is the Pied Bull just by the bridge, and the White Bull at the -corner. They are but four, said the other. Why arrah, said he, there is -the Dim Cow in the butcher-row. That's a bull, said the other. By Jasus, -then I have won my wager, said he, and you have made the bull and not -me. - - -585. A noble lord, not very courageous, was once so far engaged in an -affair of honour as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel; but just -as he came to the Porter's Lodge an empty hearse came by; on which his -lordship's antagonist, who was a droll officer, well known, called out -to the driver, Stop here, my good fellow, a few minutes, and I'll send -you a fare. This operated so strongly on his lordship's nerves that he -begged the officer's pardon, and returned home with a whole skin. - - -586. A gentleman who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for -several days, desired, previous to his departure, to have his bill; -which being brought, he found a large quantity of port placed to his -servant's account, and questioned him about having had so many bottles -of wine. Please yer honour, cried Pat, read how many they charge me. The -gentleman began, One bottle port, one ditto, one ditto. Stop, stop, -stop, master, exclaimed Paddy, they are cheating you; I know I had some -bottles of their port, but I did not taste a drop of their ditto. - - -587. A farm was lately advertised in a newspaper in which all the beauty -of the situation, fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air, were -detailed in the richest glow of rural description, and which was further -enhanced with this N.B. There is not an attorney within fifteen miles of -the neighbourhood. - - -588. An Irish footman having carried a basket of game from his master to -a friend, waited a considerable time for the customary fee, but not -finding it likely to appear, he scratched his head, and said, Sir, if my -master should say, Paddy, what did the gentleman give you? what would -your honour have me tell him? - - -589. An Irish gentleman called at the General Post Office, and inquired -whether there were any letters for him; the clerk asked for his address. -Sure, said he, you will find it on the back of the letter.--A -circumstance somewhat similar occurred a few years ago, when a gentleman -inquired if there was any letter for him. The clerk asked his name; he -replied, What the devil makes you so impertinent as to ask any -gentleman's name? Give me my letter, that's all you have to do! - - -590. An Irish labourer being told that the price of bread had been -lowered, exclaimed, This is the first time I ever rejoiced at the fall -of my best friend. - - -591. An honest Hibernian tar, a great favourite with the gallant Nelson, -used to pray in these words every night when he went to his hammock: God -be thanked, I never killed any man, nor no man ever killed me; God bless -the world, and success to the British navy. - - -592. Davenport, a tailor, having set up his carriage, asked Foote for a -motto. There is one from Hamlet, said the wit, that will match you to a -button-hole, "List, list; oh! list." - - -593. A gentleman, some years since, being obliged to ask pardon of the -House of Commons on his knees, when he rose up, he brushed the knees of -his breeches, saying, I was never in so dirty a house in my life. - - -594. A justice of the peace, who was possessed with the itch of -scribbling, and had written a book which he meant to publish, sent it to -Ben Jonson for his opinion, who, finding it full of absurdities, -returned it, with his compliments, and recommended his worship to send -it to the house of correction. - - -595. One day Charlotte Smith was walking along Piccadilly, when the tray -of a butcher's boy came in sudden contact with her shoulder, and dirtied -her dress. The deuce take the tray, exclaimed she, in a pet. Ah, but the -deuce can't take the tray, replied young rump-steak, with the greatest -gravity. - - -596. George the First, on a journey to Hanover, stopped at a village in -Holland, and while the horses were getting ready, he asked for two or -three eggs, which were brought him, and charged two hundred florins. How -is this? said his majesty, eggs must be very scarce in this place. -Pardon me, said the host, eggs are plenty enough, but kings are scarce. -The king smiled, and ordered the money to be paid. - - -597. A farmer in the neighbourhood of Doncaster, was thus accosted by -his landlord: John, I am going to raise your rent. John replied, Sir, I -am very much obliged to you, for I cannot raise it myself. - - -598. Two bucks riding on the western road on a Sunday morning, met a lad -driving a flock of sheep towards the metropolis; when one of them -accosted him with, Prithee, Jack, which is the way to Windsor? How did -you know my name was Jack? said the boy, staring in their faces. We are -conjurors, young Hobnail, said the gentlemen, laughing. Oh! be you! then -you don't want I to show you the way to Windsor, replied the lad, -pursuing his journey. - - -599. Two gentlemen were walking in the High Street, Southampton, one -day, about that hour which the industrious damsels of the mop and brush -usually devote to cleansing the pavement before the door. It happened -that the bucket used upon such occasions was upon the stones, and one of -the gentlemen stumbled against it. My dear friend, exclaimed the other, -I lament your death exceedingly! My death! Yes, you have just kicked the -bucket. Not so, rejoined his friend, I have only turned a little pale -(pail). - - -600. A bill was once brought into the House of Assembly at Jamaica, for -regulating wharfingers. Mr. P. Phipps, a distinguished member, rose and -said, Mr. Speaker, I very much approve of the bill; the wharfingers are -all a set of knaves; I was one myself ten years. - - -601. An Irishman saw the sign of the Rising Sun near the Seven Dials, -and underneath was written, A. Moon, the man's name who kept it being -Aaron Moon. The Irishman, thinking he had discovered a just cause for -triumph, roared out to his companion, Only see, Phelim! see here! they -talk of the Irish bulls; only do but see now! here's a fellow puts up -the Rising Sun, and calls it A Moon. - - -602. A grocer, in Dublin, announces that he has whiskey on sale which -was drunk by his late Majesty while he was in Ireland. - - -603. A servant girl, who always attended divine service, but who also -could not read, had, from constant attendance, got the service by rote, -and could repeat it extremely well. But a few Sundays previous to her -marriage, she was accompanied in the same pew by her beau, to whom she -did not like it to be known that she could not read; she, therefore, -took up the prayer-book, and held it before her. Her lover wished to -have a sight of it also, but, unfortunately for her, she held it upside -down. The man astonished, said, Good heavens! why you have the book -wrong side upwards. I know it, sir, said she, confusedly, I always read -so, I am left-handed. - - -604. Quin being one day in a coffee-house, saw a young beau enter, in an -elegant negligee dress, quite languid with the heat of the day. Waiter, -said the coxcomb, in an affected faint voice, Waiter, fetch me a dish of -coffee, weak as water, and cool as a zephyr! Quin, in a voice of -thunder, immediately vociferated, Waiter, bring me a dish of coffee, hot -as h-ll, and strong as d--t--n. The beau, starting, exclaimed in his -feminine way, Pray, waiter, what is that gentleman's name? Quin, in the -same tremendous tone, exclaimed, Waiter, pray what is that lady's name? - - -605. An old female methodist preached about the country, that she had -been eleven months in heaven. One of the audience started up and said, -It was a pity that she did not stay the other odd month, as she might -then have gained a legal settlement. - - -606. Two actors belonging to Covent Garden Theatre, being on their way -to Brighton, stopped at an inn to change horses, where there was a coach -coming towards London, waiting the same accommodation, on the roof of -which was seated a farmer's man, who hailed the two actors thus: So, -masters, you are going a mumming I see. How the devil does that fellow -know we are performers? said one of the actors. Don't you see he's on -the stage himself? replied the other. - - -607. The tradesmen of a certain great man, having dunned him for a long -time, he desired his servant one morning to admit the tailor who had not -been so constant in his attendance as the rest. When he made his -appearance, My friend, said he to him, I think you are a very honest -fellow, and I have a great regard for you; therefore, I take this -opportunity to tell you, that I'll never pay you a farthing! Now go -home, mind your business, and don't lose your time by calling here.--As -for the others, they are a set of vagabonds and rascals, for whom I have -no affection, and they may come as often as they choose. - - -608. Atterbury, Bishop of Rochester, when a certain bill was brought -into the House of Lords, said, among other things, That he prophesied -last winter this bill would be attempted in the present session, and he -was sorry to find that he had proved a true prophet. Lord Coningsby, who -spoke after the bishop, and always spoke in a passion, desired the house -to remark, That his right reverend friend had set himself forth as a -prophet; but for his part he did not know what prophet to liken him to, -unless to that furious prophet, Balaam, who was reproved by his own ass. -The bishop, in a reply, with great wit and calmness, exposed this rude -attack, concluding thus:--Since the noble lord had discovered in our -manners such a similitude, I am content to be compared to the prophet -Balaam; but, my lords, I am at a loss to make out the other part of the -parallel; where is the ass? I am sure I have been reproved by nobody but -his lordship. - - -609. A man in the habit of travelling, complained to his friend, that he -had often been robbed, and was afraid of stirring abroad; he was advised -to carry pistols with him on his journey. Oh! that would be still worse, -replied the hero, the thieves would rob me of them also. - - -610. When Brennan, the noted highwayman, was taken in the south of -Ireland, curiosity drew numbers to the gaol to see the man loaded with -irons, who had long been a terror to the country. Among others was a -banker, whose notes at that time were not held in the highest -estimation, who assured the prisoner that he was very glad to see him -there at last. Brennan, looking up, replied, Ah! sir, I did not expect -that from you; indeed, I did not; for you well know, that when all the -country refused your notes, I took them. - - -611. When Johnson had completed his Dictionary, the delay of which had -quite exhausted the patience of Millar, the bookseller, the latter -acknowledged the receipt of the last sheet in the following -terms:--"Andrew Millar sends his compliments to Mr. Samuel Johnson, with -the money for the last sheet of the copy of the Dictionary, and thanks -God he has done with him." To this uncourteous intimation, the doctor -replied in this smart retort: "Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to -Mr. Andrew Millar, and is very glad to find (as he does by his note) -that Andrew Millar has the grace to thank God for anything." - - -612. A man was sitting in his study at work, when one of his neighbours -came running to tell him that the back part of his house must be on -fire, as it smoked excessively: Oh! answered the man, be so good as to -tell my wife, for I do not concern myself at all with the housekeeping. - - -613. An old woman that sold ale, being at church, fell asleep during the -sermon, and unluckily let her old-fashioned clasped Bible fall, which -making a great noise, she exclaimed, half awake, So, you jade, there's -another jug broke. - - -614. The late Countess of Kenmare, who was a devout Catholic, passing -one day from her devotions at a chapel in Dublin, through a lane of -beggars, who are there certainly the best actors in Europe, in the -display of counterfeit misery, her ladyship's notice was particularly -attracted by one fellow apparently more wretched than the rest, and she -asked him, Pray, my good man, what is the matter with you? The fellow, -who well knew her simplicity and benevolence, answered, Oh! my lady, I'm -deaf and dumb. Poor man! replied the innocent lady, how long have you -been so? Ever since I had the fever last Christmas. The poor lady -presented him with half-a-crown, and went away commiserating his -misfortune. - - -615. Sheridan was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young -woman with large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son's -heart. One day he requested Tom to walk with him, and soon entered on -the subject of his marriage, and pointed out to him in glowing colours -the advantages of so brilliant an alliance. Tom listened with the utmost -patience, and then descanted on the perfections of the woman who proved -the pride and solace of his declining years. Sheridan grew warm, and -expatiating on the folly of his son, at length exclaimed, Tom, if you -marry Caroline Callander, I'll cut you off with a shilling! Tom could -not resist the opportunity of replying, and, looking archly at his -father, said, Then, sir, you must borrow it. Sheridan was tickled at the -wit, and dropped the subject. - - -616. About the year 1762, a colonel in command in the West Indies, was -ordered to disembark his corps for the attack of one of the islands. In -stepping into a boat he fell overboard, and the current was carrying him -rapidly from the ship, when an honest tar jumped after him, kept him -afloat till a boat was despatched to his assistance, and put him on -board again in safety. One of Jack's mess-mates having observed the -colonel put something into the hand of his deliverer, stepped up to him, -and exclaimed, Dam--me, Jack, you're in luck to-day, aye! and eagerly -opening his hand, expected at least to share in a can of grog; but on -discovering the generous reward, a sixpence, the tar uttered a prayer, -and whispered his messmate, Never mind, Jack, every man knows the value -of his life best. - - -617. A rich, but miserly man, invited a poor acquaintance to dine with -him, and when they were seated at table, helped him to a very small -piece of meat; upon which, the poor man, starting from his chair, -exclaimed, I'm blind! I'm blind! I'm blind! The other, astonished at -this sudden misfortune, begged his guest to resume his seat, and try if -he could not see at all; on this, the poor man, taking up his plate, -said, I think I can see a little bit. - - -618. A gentleman happening to remark, one intensely hot evening, that -Parliament would soon be dissolved, a young lady immediately added, So -shall we all, if this weather continues. - - -619. Soon after the settlement of New England, Governor Dudley, taking a -walk, met a stout Indian begging, and saying he could get no work. The -governor told him to go to his house, and he would give him work. But, -said the negro, why you no work, massa? O, said the governor, my head -works. The man, however, turned out an idle good-for-nothing fellow, and -his master found it necessary one day to have him flogged. With this -view he gave him a letter, desiring him to carry it to the keeper of the -workhouse. The negro, suspecting its contents, committed it to the care -of one of his comrades, who got a sound whipping for his trouble. The -governor having learned this, asked Mungo why he did so? O, massa, said -he, head work. - - -620. When Lord Stair was ambassador in Holland, he gave frequent -entertainments, to which the foreign ministers were constantly invited, -not excepting the ambassador of France, with whose nation we were then -on the point of breaking. In return, the Abbe de Ville, the French -ambassador, as constantly invited the English and Austrian ambassadors -upon the like occasions. The Abbe was a man of vivacity, and fond of -punning. Agreeable to this humour, he one day proposed a toast in these -terms: "The Rising Sun, my master," alluding to the device and motto of -Louis XIV.; which was pledged by the whole company. It came then to the -Baron de Reisback's turn to give a toast; and he, to countenance the -Abbe, proposed the Moon, in compliment to the empress queen; which was -greatly applauded. The turn then came to the Earl of Stair, on whom all -eyes were fastened; but that nobleman, whose presence of mind never -forsook him, drank his master, King William, by the name of Joshua, the -son of Nun, who made the Sun and Moon stand still. - - -621. A Frenchman having called for some liquor at a public-house in -England, was surprised at receiving it in a glass, alleging, he thought -it appeared very little. You have enough for your money, replied the -host, gruffly. That may be, said the other, but in France they always -bring it in a measure. Ay, said the landlord, like enough; but we do not -want to introduce French measures here. - - -622. The Khalif Haroun Alraschid was accosted one day by a poor woman, -who complained that his soldiers had pillaged her house, and laid waste -her grounds. The khalif desired her to remember the words of the Koran, -That when princes go forth to battle, the people, through whose fields -they pass, must suffer. Yes, said the woman, but it is also written in -the same book, that the habitations of those princes, who authorize the -injustice, shall be made desolate. This bold and just reply had a -powerful effect on the khalif, who ordered immediate reparation to be -made. - - -623. As the late beautiful Duchess of Devonshire was one day stepping -out of her carriage, a dustman, who was accidentally standing by, and -was about to regale himself with his accustomed whiff of tobacco, caught -a glance of her countenance, and instantly exclaimed, Love and bless -you, my lady, let me light my pipe in your eyes! It is said the duchess -was so delighted with this compliment, that she frequently afterwards -checked the strain of adulation, which was so constantly offered to her -charms, by saying, Oh! after the dustman's compliment, all others are -insipid. - - -624. A man carrying a cradle, was stopped by an old woman, and thus -accosted: So, sir, you have got some of the fruits of matrimony. Softly, -softly, old lady, said he, you mistake, this is merely the fruit-basket. - - -625. A Jew who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, -and was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. -Moses was informed of this, and it was expected he would instantly have -quitted the cart, but he stayed to see his two fellow-travellers hanged; -and being asked, Why he did not get about his business, he said, He -waited to see if he could bargain with Maisther Ketsch for the two -gentlemen's clothes. - - -626. An English drummer having strolled from the camp, approached the -French lines, and before he was aware, was seized by the piquet, and -carried before the commander, on suspicion of being a spy, disguised in -a drummer's uniform. On being questioned, however, he honestly told the -truth, and declared who and what he was. This not gaining credit, a drum -was sent for, and he was desired to beat a couple of marches, which he -readily performed, and thus removed the Frenchman's suspicion of his -assuming a fictitious character. But, my lad, said he, let me now hear -you beat a retreat. A retreat? replied the drummer; I don't know what it -is, nor is it known in the English service! The French officer was so -pleased with this spirited remark, that he dismissed the poor fellow, -with a letter of recommendation to his general. - - -627. A very volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world -were numberless, at last married. Now, my lord, said the countess, I -hope you'll mend. Madam, said he, you may depend upon it, this is my -last folly. - - -628. Susan, said an Irish footman the other day to his fellow servant, -what are the joy bells ringing for again? In honour of the Duke of -York's birthday, Mr. Murphy. Be aisy now, rejoined the Hibernian, none -of your blarney--sure 'twas the Prince Regent's on Tuesday, and how can -it be his brother's to-day, unless, indeed, they were twins? - - -629. When General R-- was quartered at a small town in Ireland, he and -his lady were regularly besieged, whenever they got into their carriage, -by an old beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them -daily with fresh importunities, and fresh tales of distress. At last the -general's charity and the lady's patience were nearly exhausted, though -their petitioner's wit was still in its pristine vigour. One morning, at -the accustomed hour, and close by the side of the carriage, the old -woman began--Agh! my lady, success to your ladyship, and success to your -honour's honour this morning, of all the days in the year, for sure -didn't I dream last night that her ladyship gave me a pound of ta (tea) -and that your honour gave me a pound of tobacco. But, my good woman, -said the general, don't you know that dreams always go by the rule of -contrary? Do they so, plase your honour? rejoined the old woman; then it -must be your honour that will give me the ta, and her ladyship that will -give me the 'bacco. - - -630. A party of bon vivants, who had recently dined at a celebrated -tavern, after having drank an immense quantity of wine, rang for the -bill. It was accordingly brought, but the amount appeared so enormous to -one of the company, (not quite so far gone as the rest,) that he -stammered out, it was impossible so many bottles could have been drunk -by seven persons. True, sir, said Boniface, but your honour forgets the -three gentlemen under the table. - - -631. The servant of a naval commander, an Irishman, one day let a -tea-kettle fall into the sea, upon which he ran to his master, Arrah, an -plase your honour, can anything be said to be lost, when you know where -it is? Certainly not, replied the captain. Why then your kettle is at -the bottom of the sea. - - -632. Amiral Keppel being sent to Algiers, for the purpose of demanding -satisfaction for the injuries done to his Britannic Majesty's subjects, -by the corsairs of that state, the Dey, enraged at the boldness of the -ambassador, exclaimed, that he wondered at the insolence of the English -monarch, in sending him a message by a foolish beardless boy. The -admiral immediately replied, That if his master had supposed wisdom was -to be measured by length of beard, he would have sent his Deyship a -billy-goat. - - -633. When Lord Anson once attacked a French squadron in the Bay of -Biscay, and L'Invincible struck, Monsieur de la Jonquieu, who was the -commander, was brought aboard the admiral's ship, where seeing Le -Glorieux, another of his squadron, engaged with an English vessel of -superior force, he bowed, surrendered his sword, and said, My Lord, you -have conquered the Invincible, and Glory must follow. - - -634. A fellow who loved laughing better than his meat, put a number of -rams' horns into a basket, and went up and down the streets at the west -end of the town, crying, New fruit, new fruit, ho! as loud as he could -bawl. Lord ---- hearing the noise, put his head out of his drawing-room -window, and asked the fellow to show him his fruit; which having looked -at, he asked him if he was not ashamed thus to disturb a quiet -neighbourhood; for who the devil, said the peer, do you think will buy -horns? Well, master, replied the fellow, do not put yourself in a -passion; though you are provided, I may meet with other men that are -not. - - -635. Dean ----, when residing on a living in the country, had occasion -one day to unite a rustic couple in the holy bands of matrimony. The -ceremony being over, the husband began "to sink in resolution," and -falling (as some husbands might do) into a fit of repentance, he said, -Your reverence has tied this knot tightly, I fancy, but, under favour, -may I ask your reverence, if so be you could untie it again? Why no, -replied the Dean, we never do that on this part of the consecrated -ground. Where then? cried the man eagerly. On that, pointing to the -burial ground. - - -636. An Irish gentleman, in the warmth of national feeling, was praising -Ireland for the cheapness of provisions; a salmon, he said, might be -bought for sixpence, and a dozen mackerel for twopence. And pray, sir, -how came you to leave so cheap a country? Arrah, my dear honey! -exclaimed the Irishman, just because there were no sixpences and -twopences to be got. - - -637. The Spaniards do not often pay hyperbolical compliments, but one of -their admired writers, speaking of a lady's black eyes, said, That they -were in mourning for the murders they had committed. - - -638. An old gentleman of eighty-four, having taken to the altar a young -damsel of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him: The font is at the -other end of the church. What do I want with the font? said the old -gentleman. Oh! I beg your pardon, said the clerical wit, I thought you -had brought this child to be christened. - - -639. In a great storm at sea, when the ship's crew were all at prayers, -a boy burst into a violent fit of laughter; being reproved for his -ill-timed mirth, and asked the reason of it--Why, said he, I was -laughing to think what a hissing the boatswain's red nose will make when -it comes into the water. This ludicrous remark set the crew a-laughing, -inspired them with new spirits, and by a great exertion they brought the -vessel safe into port. - - -640. A bon vivant of fashion, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate -use of wine, after having been seriously taken leave of by Dr. Pitcairn, -and being told that he could not in all human probability survive many -hours, and would die by eight o'clock next morning, exerted the small -remains of his strength to call the doctor back, which having -accomplished with difficulty, his loudest effort not exceeding a -whisper, he said, with the true spirit of a gambler, Doctor, I'll bet -you a bottle I live till nine! - - -641. Two Irish bricklayers were working at some houses, and one of them -was boasting of the steadiness with which he could carry a load to any -height. The other contested the point, and the conversation ended in a -bet that he could not carry him in his hod up a ladder to the top of the -building. The experiment was made: Pat placed himself in the hod, and -his comrade, after a great deal of care and exertion, succeeded in -taking him up. Without any reflection on the danger he had escaped, the -loser observed to the winner, To be sure, I have lost; but don't you -remember, about the third story you made a slip--I was then in hopes. - - -642. The Rev. Caleb Colton, nephew of Sir George Staunton, has related -in a recent publication, the following anecdote: My late uncle, Sir G. -Staunton told me a curious anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of China. -He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in which physicians were paid -in England. When, after some difficulty, his majesty was made to -comprehend the system, he exclaimed, Is any man well in England that can -afford to be ill? Now, I will inform you, said he, how I manage my -physicians. I have four, to whom the care of my health is committed: a -certain weekly salary is allowed them, but the moment I am ill, the -salary stops till I am well again. I need not inform you my illnesses -are usually short. - - -643. The late Lord Norbury, some time since going as a judge on the -Munster circuit, was, as usual, so strict in the administration of -criminal justice, that few, of whose guilt there were any strong grounds -of suspicion, were suffered to escape, merely through any slovenly flaws -in the wording of their indictments, or doubts upon the testimony. -Dining, as usual, with the seniors of the bar, at an inn, a gentleman, -who sat near the judge, asked leave to help his lordship to part of a -pickled tongue. Lord Norbury replied, he did not like pickled tongue; -but if it had been hung, he would try it. Mr. Curran, who sat on the -other side, said, that the defect was easily obviated; for if his -lordship would only try it, it would certainly be hung. - - -644. A clergyman was reading the burial service over an Irish corpse, -and having forgot which sex it was, on coming to that part of the -ceremony which reads thus: our dear brother or sister, the reverend -gentleman stopped, and seeing Pat stand by, stepped back, and whispering -to him, said, Is it a brother or a sister? Pat answered, Neither, it is -only a relation. - - -645. Sir J. S. Hamilton, lounging one day in Dalby's chocolate house, -when, after a long drought there fell a torrent of rain: a country -gentleman observed, This is a most delightful rain; It will bring up -everything out of the ground. By Jove, sir, said Sir John, I hope not; -for I have sown three wives, and I should be very sorry to see them come -up again. - - -646. The father of an Irish student, seeing his son doing something -improper, How now, sirrah, said he, did you ever see me do so when I was -a boy? - - -647. When Mr. Penn, a young gentleman well known for his eccentricities, -walked from Hyde Park Corner to Hammersmith, for a wager of one hundred -guineas, with the Honourable Butler Danvers, several gentlemen who had -witnessed the contest spoke of it to the Duchess of Gordon, and added, -It was a pity that a man with so many good qualities as this Penn had, -should be incessantly playing these unaccountable pranks. It is so, said -her grace, but why don't you advise him better? He seems to be a pen -that everybody cuts, but nobody mends. - - -648. David Hume and R. B. Sheridan were crossing the water to Holland, -when a high gale arising, the philosopher seemed under great -apprehension lest he should go to the bottom. Why, said his friend, that -will suit your genius to a tittle; as for my part, I am only for -skimming the surface. - - -649. Quin sometimes said things at once witty and wise. Disputing -concerning the execution of Charles I., But by what laws, said his -opponent, was he put to death? By all the laws that he had left them. - - -650. An English gentleman travelling through the Highlands, came to the -inn of Letter Finlay, in the braes of Lochaber. He saw no person near -the inn, and knocked at the door. No answer. He knocked repeatedly, with -as little success; he then opened the door, and walked in. On looking -about, he saw a man lying on a bed, whom he hailed thus: Are there any -Christians in this house? No, was the reply, we are all Camerons. - - -651. Two bucks, lately sitting over a pint of wine, made up for the -deficiency of port by the liveliness of their wit. After many jokes had -passed, one of them took up a nut, and holding it to his friend, said, -If this nut could speak, what would it say? Why, rejoined the other, it -would say, give me none of your jaw. - - -652. A gentleman indisposed, and confined to his bed, sent his servant -to see what hour it was by a sun-dial, which was fastened to a post in -his garden. The servant was an Irishman, and being at a loss how to find -the time, carried the sun-dial to his master, saying, Arrah, now look at -it yourself: it is indeed all a mystery to me. - - -653. A gentleman in the West Indies, who had frequently promised his -friends to leave off drinking, without their discovering any -improvement, was one morning called on early by an intimate friend, who -met the negro boy at his door. Well, Sambo, said he, where is your -master? Massa gone out, sare, was the reply. And has he left off -drinking yet? rejoined the first. Oh yes, sure, said Sambo, massa leave -off drinking--he leave off two-tree time dis morning. - - -654. An Irishman having been summoned to the Court of Requests at -Guildhall, by an apothecary, for medicines, was asked by one of the -commissioners what the plaintiff had from time to time served him with, -to which he gave suitable answers. And pray, said the commissioner, what -was the last thing he served you with? Why, your honour, replied the -honest Hibernian, the last thing he served me with, please you, was the -summons. - - -655. When George II. was once expressing his admiration of General -Wolfe, some one observed that the general was mad. Oh! he is mad, is he! -said the king, with great quickness, then I wish he would bite some of -my other generals. - - -656. A sailor who had served on board the Romney, with Sir Home Popham, -after returning home from India, finding that wigs were all in fashion, -bespoke a red one, which he sported at Portsmouth, to the great surprise -of his companions. On being asked the cause of the change of colour in -his hair, he said it was occasioned by his bathing in the Red Sea. - - -657. A physician attending a lady several times, had received a couple -of guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but -one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, as if in -search of something, she asked him what he looked for. I believe, madam, -said he, I have dropped a guinea. No, sir, replied the lady, it is I -that have dropped it. - - -658. A prudent poet, about the beginning of the civil, or rather -uncivil, troubles for men of his kidney, in England's rebellious days, -was asked as he lay on his death-bed, how he would be buried? With my -face downward; for in a short time England will be turned upside down, -and then I shall be right. - - -659. A boy having run away from school to go to sea, his friends wrote -to him, that death would be perpetually staring him in the face; to -which he replied, Well, what of that? every ship is provided with -shrouds. - - -660. A facetious fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy, -the latter told him he was no gentleman. Are you a gentleman? asked the -droll one. Yes, sir, bounced the fop. Then I am very glad I am not, -replied the other. - - -661. Why you have never opened your mouth this session, said Sir Thomas -Lethbridge to Mr. Gye. I beg your pardon, Sir Thomas, replied Mr. Gye; -your speeches have made me open it very frequently. My jaws have ached -with yawning. - - -662. A person who was famous for arriving just at dinner-time, upon -going to a friend's (where he was a frequent dropper in), was asked by -the lady of the house if he would do as they did. On his replying he -should be happy to have the pleasure, she replied, Dine at home then. A -_quietus_ for some time at least. - - -663. As a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights -in front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him, and -said, Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy? No, sir, replied -the alderman. I am studying gastronomy. His friend looked astonished, -and the baronet replied, Do you doubt my voracity? No, Sir William. - - -664. A certain cit, who had suddenly risen into wealth by monopolies and -contracts, from a very low condition in life, stood up in the pit of the -opera with his hat on; the Duchess of Gordon whispered to a lady, We -must forgive that man: he has so short a time been used to the luxury of -a hat, that he does not know when to pull it off. - - -665. A person disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he -did not like to be thought a scoundrel. I wish, replied Peter, that you -had as great a dislike to being a scoundrel. - - -666. A lady in Calcutta asked Colonel Ironsides for a mango. As he -rolled it along the table, it fell into a plate of kissmists, a kind of -grape very common in the East Indies: upon which Dr. Hunter, a gentleman -as eminent for his wit as for his skill in his profession, neatly -observed, How naturally man-goes to kiss-miss. - - -667. At one of those large convivial parties which distinguished the -table of Major Hobart, when he was Secretary in Ireland, amongst the -usual loyal toasts, The wooden walls of England! being given, Sir John -Hamilton, in his turn, gave The wooden walls of Ireland! The toast being -quite new, he was asked for an explanation: upon which, filling a -bumper, he very gravely stood up, and, bowing to the Marquis of -Waterford and several country gentlemen, who commanded county regiments, -he said, My lords and gentlemen, I have the pleasure of giving you The -wooden walls of Ireland--the colonels of militia. - - -668. When it was debated about sending bishops to America, much was said -pro and con. One gentleman wondered that anybody should object to it; -For my part, said he, I wish all our bishops were sent to America. - - -669. Dr. Parr once called a clergyman a fool, who, indeed, was little -better. The clergyman said he would complain of this usage to the -bishop. Do, said the doctor, and my lord bishop will confirm you. - - -670. Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he hoped they would -be better than the last. The chandler said he was very sorry to hear -them complained of, as they were as good as he could make. Why, said -Ralph, they were very well till about half burnt down, but after that -they would not burn any longer. - - -671. Piavano Arloto, a buffoon, boasted that in all his life he never -spoke truth. Except, replied another, at this present moment. - - -672. A Cantab, who happened to be under Sir B. Harwood, when professor, -was enjoined to live temperately, as a cure for his malady. The doctor -called upon him one day, and found him enjoying himself over a bottle of -Madeira. Ah, doctor! exclaimed the patient, at the same time reaching -out his hand to bid him welcome, I am glad to see you; you are just in -time to taste the first bottle of some prime Madeira! Ah! replied Sir -Busack, these bottles of Madeira will never do--they are the cause of -all your sufferings! Are they so? cried the patient, then fill your -glass, my dear doctor; for, since we know the cause, the sooner we get -rid of it the better. - - -673. A late wit, at the time when the revolutionary names of the months -(Thermidor, Floreal, Nivose, &c.) were adopted in France, proposed to -extend the innovation to our own language, somewhat on the following -model: Freezy, Sneezy, Breezy, Wheezy; Showery, Lowery, Flowery, Bowery; -Snowy, Flowy, Blowy, Glowy. - - -674. A duel, between M. de Langerie and M. de Montande, both remarkable -for their ugliness, had a very comic catastrophe. Arrived at the place -of fighting, M. de Langerie stared his adversary in the face, and said, -I have just reflected; I can't fight with you. With this he returned his -sword to its scabbard. How, sir, what does this mean? It means that I -shall not fight. What! you insult me, and refuse to give me -satisfaction? If I have insulted you, I ask a thousand pardons, but I -have an insurmountable reason for not fighting with you. But, sir, may -one know it? It will offend you. No, sir. You assure me? Yes, I assure -you. Well, sir, this it is: if we fight, according to all appearances I -shall kill you, and then I shall remain the ugliest fellow in the -kingdom. His adversary could not help laughing, and they returned to the -city good friends. - - -675. A clergyman, on leaving church, was complimented by one of his -friends on the discourse he had been delivering. South himself, -exclaimed the delighted auditor, never preached a better. You are right, -replied the honest divine,--it was the very best he ever did preach. - - -676. On a remarkably hot summer's day, an Irishman, thinly and openly -dressed, sitting down in a violent perspiration, was cautioned against -catching cold. Catch it? said he, wiping his face, where? I wish I could -catch it. - - -677. Sheridan made his appearance one day in a pair of new boots--these -attracting the notice of some of his friends, Now guess, said he, how I -came by these boots? Many probable guesses then took place. No! said -Sheridan, no, you've not hit it, nor ever will; I bought them, and paid -for them. - - -678. A gentleman, long famous for the aptitude of his puns, observing a -violent fracas in the front of a gin-shop, facetiously termed it the -battle of A-gin-court. - - -679. When Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral Campbell, he told him, -that, probably, the king would knight him. The admiral did not much -relish the honour. Well, but, said Lord S., perhaps Mrs. Campbell will -like it. Then let the king knight her, answered the rough seaman. - - -680. A father, exhorting his son to early rising, related a story of a -person who, early one morning, found a large purse of money. Well, -replied the youth, but the person who lost it rose earlier. - - -681. Reynolds, the dramatist, observing to Martin the thinness of the -house at one of his own plays, added, He supposed it was owing to the -war. No, replied the latter, it is owing to the piece. - - -682. A physician being sent for, by a maker of universal specifics, -expressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion apparently so -trifling. Not so trifling neither, replied the quack, for, to tell you -the truth, I have taken some of my own pills. - - -683. About the time when Murphy so successfully attacked the -stage-struck heroes in the pleasant farce of 'The Apprentice,' an -eminent poulterer went to a spouting-club in search of his servant, who, -he understood, was that evening to make his _debut_ in Lear, and entered -the room at the moment he was exclaiming, "I am the king; you cannot -touch me for coining." No, you dog, cried the enraged master, catching -the mad monarch by his collar, but I can for not picking the ducks. - - -684. A West Indian, who had a remarkably fiery nose, sleeping in his -chair, a negro-boy, who was in waiting, observed a musquito hovering -about his face. Quashi eyed the insect very attentively, and at last saw -him alight upon his master's nose, and immediately fly off again. Ah! -exclaimed the negro, me glad to see you burn your foot. - - -685. Sheridan was dining with Lord Thurlow, when he produced some -admirable Constantia, which had been sent him from the Cape of Good -Hope. The wine tickled the palate of Sheridan, who saw the bottle -emptied with uncommon regret, and set his wits to work to get another. -The old Chancellor was not to be so easily induced to produce his -curious Cape in such profusion, and foiled all Sheridan's attempts to -get another glass. Sheridan being piqued, and seeing the inutility of -persecuting the immovable pillar of the law, turned towards a gentleman -sitting farther down, and said, Sir, pass me up that decanter, for I -must return to Madeira since I cannot double the Cape. - - -686. Two city merchants conversing upon business at the door of the New -York Coffee-house, one of them made some remarks on the badness of the -times; and perceiving at the moment, a flight of pigeons passing over -their heads, he exclaimed, How happy are those pigeons! they have no -acceptances to provide for. To which the other replied, You are rather -in error, my friend, for they have their bills to provide for as well as -we! - - -687. An Irishman having lost an eye, a friend of his recommended him to -one of our famous oculists, with whom he agreed to give ten guineas for -a very beautiful one shown him among the rest. He actually called the -next day to abuse him for having sold him an eye with which he could not -see. - - -688. An Irish soldier pretending dumbness, and the surgeon of the -regiment, after several attempts to restore him, declaring him -incurable, was discharged. He, a short time afterwards enlisted in -another corps, and being recognized by an old comrade, and questioned -how he learned to speak? By the powers, replied Terence, ten guineas -would make any man speak. - - -689. A singer once complaining to Mr. Jeffery, that himself and his -brother (both of whom were deemed simpletons), had been ordered to take -ass's milk, but that on account of its expensiveness, he hardly knew -what they should do. Do! cried Mr. Jeffery, why suck one another, to be -sure. - - -690. A Cantab, one day observing a ragamuffin-looking boy scratching his -head at the door of Stevenson, the bookseller, in Cambridge, where he -was begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, So, Jack, you -are picking them out, are you? Nah, sar, retorted the urchin, I takes -'em as they come! - - -691. An Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he -caught him there again, he'd lock him up in the ice-house, and warm his -jacket. - - -692. Swift's Stella, who was an Irish lady, being extremely ill, her -physician said, Madam, you are certainly near the bottom of the hill, -but we shall endeavour to get you up again. She replied, Doctor, I am -afraid I shall be out of breath before I get to the top again. - - -693. A lady observing in company, how glorious and useful a body the sun -was,--Why, yes, madam, said an Irish gentleman present, the sun is a -very fine body, to be sure; but, in my opinion, the moon is much more -useful; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we really -want it; whereas we have the sun with us in the day-time, when we have -no occasion for it. - - -694. Doctor Lucas, the celebrated Irish patriot, having, after a very -sharp contest, carried the election as a representative in parliament -for the city of Dublin, was met, a few days after, by a lady whose whole -family were very warm in the interest of the unsuccessful candidate; -Well, doctor, said she, I find you have gained the election. Yes, madam. -No wonder, sir: all the blackguards voted for you. No, madam, your two -sons did not, returned the doctor. - - -695. Anthony Pasquin one day leaning over the Margate Pier, after a -tremendous storm on the preceding night, You have had a blustering night -of it, said he, to an Irish sailor, who stood near him, but after a -storm comes a calm. By my sowl, and so it ought, said Pat, for the winds -and the waves had a hard night's bout of it, and it's time for them to -rest themselves. - - -696. An Irishman, speaking of the rapacity of the clergy in exacting -their tithes, said, By Jasus, let a farmer be ever so poor, they won't -fail to make him pay his full tenths, whether he can or not; nay, they -would instead of a tenth take a twentieth, if the law permitted them. - - -697. When Dr. Franklin applied to the King of Prussia to lend his -assistance to America, Pray, doctor, said the veteran, what is the -object you mean to attain? Liberty, sire, replied the philosopher of -Philadelphia: liberty! that freedom which is the birth-right of man. The -king, after a short pause, made this memorable and kingly answer: I was -born a prince, I am become a king, and I will not use the power which I -possess to the ruin of my own trade. - - -698. Two gentlemen at Bath having a difference, one went to the other's -door early in the morning, and wrote 'Scoundrel' upon it. The other -called upon his neighbour, and was answered by his servant, that his -master was not at home, but if he had anything to say he might leave it -with him. No, no, said he, I was only going to return your master's -visit, as he left his name at my door this morning. - - -699. A robustious countryman, meeting a physician, ran to hide behind a -wall; being asked the cause, he replied, It is so long since I have been -sick, that I am ashamed to look a physician in the face. - - -700. A Cantab being out of ready cash, went in haste to a fellow-student -to borrow, who happened to be in bed at the time. Shaking him, the -Cantab demanded, Are you asleep? Why? said the student. Because, replied -the other, I want to borrow half-a-crown. Then, answered the student, -I'm asleep. - - -701. Through an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity College, a -church may be seen at a considerable distance, the approach to which -affords no very pleasing scenery. The late Professor Porson, on a time, -walking that way with a friend and observing the church, remarked, That -it put him in mind of a fellowship, which was a long dreary walk, with a -church at the end of it. - - -702. A certain lodging-house was very much infested by vermin; a -gentleman who slept there one night, told the landlady so in the -morning, when she said, La, sir, we haven't a single one in the house. -No, ma'am, said he, they're all married, and have large families too. - - -703. One of the check-takers (an Irishman) at the Zoological Society's -Garden, mentioned to a friend, that the Queen had visited the garden -_incog._ on a particular day. Why, said the person he was informing, It -is odd we never heard of it! Oh, not at all, at all, rejoined Pat: for -she didn't come like a queen; but clane and dacent like another lady! - - -704. An officer in full regimentals passing through a street in Dublin, -apprehensive lest he should come in contact with a chimney sweep that -was pressing towards him, exclaimed, Hold off, you black rascal. You -were as black as me before you were boiled, cried sooty. - - -705. Voltaire, in the presence of an Englishman, was one day enlarging -with great warmth in the praise of Haller, extolling him as a great -poet, a great naturalist, and a man of universal attainments. The -Englishman, who had been on a visit to Haller, answered, that it was -handsome in Monsieur de Voltaire to speak so favourably of Monsieur -Haller, inasmuch as Monsieur Haller was by no means so liberal to -Monsieur de Voltaire. Alas! said Voltaire, with an air of philosophic -indulgence, I dare to say we are both very much mistaken! - - -706. One day, when Sir Isaac Heard was with his majesty King George -III., it was announced that his majesty's horse was ready to start for -hunting. Sir Isaac, said the monarch, are you a judge of horses? In my -younger days, please your majesty, was the reply, I was a great deal -among them. What do you think of this, then? said the king, who was by -this time preparing to mount his favourite; and without waiting for an -answer, added, We call him Perfection. A most appropriate name, replied -the courtly herald, bowing as his majesty reached the saddle, for he -bears the best of characters! - - -707. At Worcester Assizes, a cause was tried about the soundness of a -horse, in which a clergyman, not educated in the school of Tattersall, -appeared as a witness. He was confused in giving his evidence, and a -furious blustering counsellor, who examined him, was at last tempted to -exclaim, Pray, sir, do you know the difference between a horse and a -cow? I acknowledge my ignorance, replied the clergyman: I hardly know -the difference between a horse and a cow, or a bully and a bull; only -that a bull, I am told, has horns, and a bully, bowing respectfully to -the counsellor, luckily for me, has none. - - -708. In a certain company, the conversation having fallen on the subject -of craniology, and the organ of drunkenness being alluded to among -others, a lady suggested that this must be the barrel-organ. - - -709. The colonel of the Perthshire cavalry, was lately complaining, -that, from the ignorance and inattention of his officers, he was obliged -to do the whole duty of the regiment. I am, said he, my own captain, my -own lieutenant, my own cornet. And trumpeter also, I presume, said a -certain witty duchess. - - -710. The late celebrated Dr. Brown paid his addresses to a lady for many -years, but unsuccessfully; during which time he had always accustomed -himself to propose her health, whenever he was called upon for a lady. -But being observed one evening to omit it, a gentleman reminded him, -that he had forgotten to toast his favourite lady. Why, indeed, said the -doctor, I find it all in vain; I have toasted her so many years and -cannot make her Brown, that I am determined to toast her no longer. - - -711. Mr. Henry Erskine, celebrated for his elegant repartee, being in -company with the beautiful Duchess of Gordon, asked her, Are we never -again to enjoy the pleasure of your grace's society in Edinburgh? Oh! -said she, Edinburgh is a vile dull place, I hate it. Madam, replied the -gallant barrister, the sun might as well say, this is a vile dark -morning, I won't rise to-day. - - -712. Serjeant Maynard, an eminent counsellor, waiting with the body of -the law upon the Prince of Orange (afterwards King William) on his -arrival in London, the prince took notice of his great age, the serjeant -then being near ninety. Sir, said he, you have outlived all the men of -the law of your younger years. I should have outlived even the law -itself, replied the serjeant, if your highness had not arrived. - - -713. When Skelton published his 'Deism Revealed,' the Bishop of London -asked the Bishop of Clogher if he knew the author? Oh yes, he has been a -curate in my diocese near these twenty years. More shame for your -lordship to allow a man of his merit to continue so long a curate in -your diocese, was the reply. - - -714. A gentleman had a cask of Armenian wine, from which his servant -stole a large quantity. When the master perceived the deficiency, he -diligently inspected the top of the cask, but could find no traces of an -opening. Look if there be not a hole in the bottom, said a by-stander. -Blockhead, he replied, do you not see that the deficiency is at the top, -and not at the bottom? - - -715. Malherbe, the famous reformer of French poetry, and of the French -language, dined one day at the table of a bishop, who was to preach a -sermon the same evening, but who was more hospitable than eloquent. The -dinner was good, the wines delicious; and the poet having freely -partaken of both, began to nod, for want of enlivening conversation. -When the hour came for the bishop's going to church, he shook Malherbe -by the arm, and said, It is time to start, Malherbe:--you know I am to -preach this evening. Ah, my lord, said the poet, be so good as to excuse -me, for I can sleep very well where I am. - - -716. A curate of great learning and merit, but without any prospect of -preferment, found an opportunity of preaching before Bishop Hough, who -was so well pleased with his discourse and manner of delivery, that -after service he sent his compliments to him, desiring to know his name, -and where his living was. My duty to his lordship, replied the -clergyman, and tell him my name is Lewis; that living I have none; but -my starving is in Wales. The bishop soon after presented him to a -valuable benefice. - - -717. King John being shewn a stately monument erected over the grave of -a nobleman who had rebelled against him, and being advised to deface it, -answered, No, no, I wish all my enemies were as honourably buried. - - -718. One day James the Second, in the middle of his courtiers, made use -of this assertion: I never knew a modest man make his way at court. To -this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied: And please -your majesty, whose fault is that? The king remained silent. - - -719. As two Irish soldiers were passing through Chippenham, one of them -observing the Borough Arms (which have somewhat the appearance of a -hatchment) over the Town-hall door, accosted his comrade with--Arrah, -Pat, look up, what is that sign? Botheration, cried Pat, 'tis no sign at -all, at all, 'tis only a sign that somebody's dead that lives there. - - -720. The Duke of Mantua once observed to the celebrated Perron, that the -court-jester was a fellow without either wit or humour. Your grace must -pardon me, said Perron; I think he has a great deal of wit to live by a -trade that he does not understand. - - -721. The facetious Mr. Bearcroft, told his friend Mr. Vansittart, Your -name is such a long one, I shall drop the sittart, and call you Van, for -the future. With all my heart, said he: by the same rule, I shall drop -croft, and call you Bear! - - -722. In a life of St. Francis Navier, written by an Italian monk, it is -said, That by one sermon he converted 10,000 persons in a desert island! - - -723. During the time that martial law was in force in Ireland, and the -people were prohibited from having fire-arms in their possession, some -mischievous varlets gave information that Mr. Scanlon, a respectable -apothecary of Dublin, had three mortars in his house. A magistrate, with -a party of dragoons in his train, surrounded the house, and demanded, in -the king's name, that the mortars should be delivered to him. Mr. -Scanlon immediately produced them, adding, that as they were useless -without the pestles, those also were at his majesty's service. - - -724. At the battle of Dettingen, George II., who commanded in person, -rode on a very unruly horse, which at one period ran away with him to a -very considerable distance, until Ensign Trapand, afterwards General, -seized the bridle, when the king dismounted, exclaiming, Now that I am -on my legs, I am sure that I shall not run away. At the same battle, the -Gens-d'armes, the flower of the French army, made a desperate charge on -the British line opposed to them, and were repulsed. In their retreat -they were attacked by the Scotch Greys, and forced into the river. Some -years after, at a review of the above regiment, his majesty, after -applauding their appearance, turned to the French ambassador, and asked -him his opinion of the regiment, adding, in his exultant manner, that -they were the best troops in the world. The ambassador replied, Has your -majesty ever seen the Gens-d'armes? No, rejoined the king, but my Greys -have. - - -725. A cause was once tried in one of the western counties which -originated in a dispute about a pair of small-clothes. Upon this -occasion the judge observed, That it was the first time he had ever -known a suit made out of a pair of breeches. - - -726. Some soldiers once fell upon a watchman in a small town, in a -lonely street, and took away his money and coat. He immediately repaired -to the captain of the regiment, to complain of his misfortune. The -captain asked him whether he had on the waistcoat he then wore when he -was robbed by the soldiers. Yes, sir, replied the poor fellow. Then, my -friend, rejoined the captain, I am can assure you they do not belong to -my company; otherwise they would have left you neither waistcoat nor -shirt. - - -727. A fashionable countess, asking a young nobleman which he thought -the prettiest flowers, roses or tulips? He replied with great gallantry, -Your ladyship's two lips before all the roses in the world. - - -728. A gentleman, who did not live very happy with his wife, on the maid -telling him that she was going to give her mistress warning, as she kept -scolding her from morning till night--Happy girl! said the master, I -wish I could give warning too. - - -729. In a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the -testatrix, an apothecary's widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it -was deposed, that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, -&c. into the street as rubbish. I doubt, said the learned judge, whether -sweeping of physic into the street, be any proof of insanity. True, my -lord, replied the counsel, but sweeping the pots away, certainly was. - - -730. Dr. South, once preaching before Charles II. (who was not very -often in a church), observing that the monarch and all his attendants -began to nod, and, as nobles are common men when they are asleep, some -of them soon after snored, on which he broke off his sermon, and called -out, Lord Lauderdale, let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so -loud that you will wake the king. - - -731. An Irishman, meeting an acquaintance, thus accosted him: Ah, my -dear, who do you think I have just been speaking to? your old friend -Patrick; faith, and he has grown so thin, I hardly knew him; to be sure, -you are thin, and I am thin, but he is thinner than both of us put -together. - - -732. An Irishman seeing a large quantity of potatoes standing in a -market-place, observed to a by-stander, what a fine show of potatoes! -Yes, they are, replied he, very fine potatoes: I see you have the name -quite pat; how do you call them in your country? Ah, faith! returned the -Irishman, we never call 'em; when we want any, we go and dig them. - - -733. During the recent unpleasant situation of affairs in Ireland, a -watch-word was required of every passenger after a certain hour, with -liberty for the sentinel to interrogate at will. A poor harmless -Irishman, travelling from Kilmainy to Kilmore, being asked concerning -his place of departure, and place of destination, answered, to the -astonishment of the inquirer, I have been to kill-many, and am going to -kill-more. That you shall not, said the sentinel, and immediately ran -him through with his bayonet. - - -734. A blind man, who goes about the streets of London, whining out a -long story about his misfortunes, has, amongst other prayers for the -charitable and humane, the following curious wish:--May you never see -the darkness which I now see! - - -735. Demonax, hearing one declaim miserably, said, You should practice -more. The orator answering, I am always declaiming to myself--he -replied, No wonder you do not improve, having so foolish an audience. - - -736. A Highlander, who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in -Glasgow, to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after -having shaved him, asked the price of it. Tippence, said the Highlander. -No, no, said the shaver; I'll give you a penny, and if that does not -satisfy you, take your broom again. The Highlander took it, and asked -what he had to pay. A penny, said Strap. I'll gie ye a baubee, said -Duncan, and if that dinna satisfy ye, pit on my beard again. - - -737. A lady asking a gentleman, How it was that most medical men dressed -in black? he replied, The meaning is very obvious, as they are chiefly -occupied in preparing grave subjects. - - -738. When the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to -attack the combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the -Revenge, on going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed -one of the men devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So very unusual -an attitude in an English sailor, exciting his surprise and curiosity, -he went and asked the man if he was afraid. Afraid! answered the honest -tar, no! I was only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in -the same proportion as prize-money--the greatest part among the -officers. - - -739. Indeed, indeed, friend Tom, said one citizen to another, you have -spoiled the look of your nag by cropping his ears so close: what could -be your reason for it? Why, friend Turtle, I will tell you--my horse had -a strange knack of being frightened, and on very trifling occasions -would prick up his ears as if he had seen the devil, and so, to cure -him, I cropped him. - - -740. Macklin and Dr. Johnson disputing on a literary subject, Johnson -quoted Greek. I do not understand Greek, said Macklin. A man who argues -should understand every language, replied Johnson. Very well, said -Macklin, and gave him a quotation from the Irish. - - -741. A crooked gentleman, on his arrival at Bath, was asked by another, -what place he had travelled from? I came straight from London, replied -he. Did you so? said the other, then you have been terribly warped by -the way. - - -742. A countryman on a trial respecting the right of a fishery at a late -Lancaster assizes, was cross-examined by Serjeant Cockel, who, among -many other questions, asked the witness, Dost thou love fish? Yes, said -the poor fellow, with a look of native simplicity, but I dinna like -Cockle sauce with it. A roar of laughter of course followed. - - -743. A witness in a court, speaking in a very harsh and loud voice, the -lawyer employed on the other side exclaimed, Fellow, why dost thou bark -so furiously? Because, replied the rustic, I think I sees a thief. - - -744. When Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he -said to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, I am -sorry, Fraser, to leave this old place. Psha, sir, said George, don't -fret; when you had this old place, you were out of place; now you are in -place, you can get both yourself and me a better place. The hint was -taken, and old George provided for. - - -745. An Irish Baronet, walking out with a gentleman, was met by his -nurse, who requested charity. The baronet exclaimed vehemently, I will -give you nothing:--you played me a scandalous trick in my infancy. The -old woman, in amazement, asked him what injury she had done to him? He -answered, I was a fine boy, and you changed me! - - -746. Sir William B. being at a parish meeting, made some proposals that -were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, Sir, said he to the -farmer, do you know that I have been to two universities, and at two -colleges in each university? Well, sir, said the farmer, what of that? I -had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the -more he sucked the greater calf he grew. - - -747. Sir W. Curtis was once present at a public dinner where the Dukes -of York and Clarence formed part of the company. The president gave as a -toast, The "Adelphi" (the Greek word for The Brothers). When it came to -the worthy baronet's turn to give a toast, he said, Mr. President, as -you seem inclined to give public buildings, I beg leave to propose -Somerset House. - - -748. One of his Majesty's frigates being at anchor on a winter's night, -in a tremendous gale of wind, the ground broke, and she began to drive. -The lieutenant of the watch ran down to the captain, awoke him from his -sleep, and told him the anchor had come home. Well, said the captain, -rubbing his eyes, I think the anchor is perfectly right; who would stay -out such a night as this? - - -749. The Duke de Roquelaure meeting a very ugly country gentleman at -court, who had a suit to offer, presented it to the king, and urged his -request, saying, he was under the greatest obligations to the suitor. -The king asked what were these great obligations? Ah! Sire, were it not -for him I should be the ugliest man in your majesty's dominions! - - -750. Archbishop Laud was a man of very short stature. Charles the First -and the archbishop were one day seated at dinner, when it was agreed -that Archy, the king's jester, should say grace for them, which he did -in this fashion: Great praise be given to God, but little Laud to the -devil. For this sally Laud was weak enough to insist upon Archy's -dismissal. - - -751. Lord Chancellor Hardwicke was very fond of entertaining his -visitors with the following story of his bailiff, who, having been -ordered by his lady to procure a sow of a particular description, came -one day into the dining-room, when full of company, proclaiming with a -burst of joy he could not suppress, I have been at Royston fair, my -lady, and I have got a sow exactly of your ladyship's size. - - -752. An officer in Admiral Lord St. Vincent's fleet, asking one of the -captains, who was gallantly bearing down upon the Spanish fleet, whether -he had reckoned the number of the enemy? No, replied the captain, it -will be time enough to do that when they strike. - - -753. Sir Charles F---- received a severe injury one day in stepping into -his cabriolet. Whereabouts were you hurt, Sir Charles? said Sir Peter -L----; was it near the vertebrae? No, no, answered the baronet, it was -near the Monument. - - -754. Fletcher, of Saltoun, is well known to have possessed a most -irritable temper. His footman desiring to be dismissed, Why do you leave -me? said he. Because, to speak the truth, I cannot bear your temper. To -be sure, I am passionate, but my passion is no sooner on than it is off. -Yes, replied the servant, but it is no sooner off than it is on. - - -755. King James I. mounting a horse that was unruly, cried, The de'el -tak' your saul, sirrah, an ye be na quiet, I'll send ye to the five -hundred kings in the House o' Commons: they'll sune tame ye. - - -756. You are a Jew, said one man to another; when I bought this pig of -you it was to be a guinea, and now you demand five-and-twenty shillings, -which is more than you asked. For that very reason, replied the other, I -am no Jew, for a Jew always takes less than he asks. - - -757. The celebrated Hogarth was one of the most absent of men. Soon -after he set up his carriage, he had occasion to pay a visit to the lord -mayor. When he went the weather was fine; but he was detained by -business till a violent shower of rain came on. Being let out of the -mansion-house by a different door from that at which he had entered, he -immediately began to call for a hackney-coach. Not one could be -procured; on which Hogarth sallied forth to brave the storm, and -actually reached his house in Leicester Fields without bestowing a -thought on his own carriage, till Mrs. Hogarth, astonished to see him so -wet and hurried, asked him where he had left it. - - -758. At a city feast one of the company was expatiating on the blessings -of Providence. Ay, said the late Sir William Curtis, smacking his lips, -it is a blessed place, sure enough; we get all our turtle from it. - - -759. When Cortez returned to Spain, he was coolly received by the -emperor, Charles the Fifth. One day he suddenly presented himself to -that monarch. Who are you? said the emperor, haughtily. The man, said -Cortez, as haughtily, who has given you more provinces than your -ancestors left you cities. - - -760. Bautru, a celebrated French wit, being in Spain, went to visit the -famous library of the Escurial, where he found a very ignorant -librarian. The king of Spain interrogated him respecting the library. -'Tis an admirable one, indeed, said he; but your majesty should give the -man who has the care of it, the administration of your finances. -Wherefore? asked the king. Because, replied Bautru, the man never -touches the treasure that is confided to him. - - -761. Mademoiselle, said Louis XV. to a young lady belonging to his -court, I am assured that you are very learned, and understand four or -five continental tongues. I speak only two, sire, answered she, -trembling. Which are they? German and Italian. Do you speak them -fluently? Yes, sire, very fluently. Well, two are quite enough to drive -a husband mad. - - -762. At a grand review by George III. of the Portsmouth fleet in 1789, -there was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility as to -surprise every spectator. The king particularly noticed it, and said to -Lord Lothian (an exceeding large man), Lothian, I have heard much of -your agility, let us see you run up after that boy. Sire, replied Lord -Lothian, it is my duty to follow your majesty. - - -763. A gentleman crossing a very narrow bridge, which was not railed on -either side to secure passengers from falling, said to a countryman whom -he met, Me-thinks this narrow causeway must be very dangerous, honest -friend! pray are not people lost here sometimes? Lost! no, sir, replied -the man, I never knew anybody lost here in my life; there have been -several drowned, but they were always found again. - - -764. The Earl of P---- kept a number of swine at his seat in Wiltshire, -and crossing the yard one day he was surprised to see the pigs gathered -round one trough, and making a great noise. Curiosity prompted him to -see what was the cause, and on looking into the trough he perceived a -large silver spoon. Just at this crisis a servant maid came out, and -began to abuse the pigs for crying so. Well they may, said his lordship, -when they have got but one silver spoon among them all. - - -765. Pierre Zapata, court jester to Charles V., being one day made a -butt of by his master, that prince, expecting some joke in return, said -to his courtiers, I shall be soon paid for this. To which the jester -replied, Not so soon as you imagine, sire; I am not prompt in paying -those who are so tardy in paying others! This repartee was found the -more lively, owing to Zapata and the officers of the court not having -for a long time received their pensions. - - -766. David Hartley, member for Hull, during the coalition -administration, was remarkable for the length and dulness of his -speeches. On one occasion, having reduced the house from three hundred -to about eighty sleepy hearers, by one of his harangues, just at the -time it was supposed he would conclude, he moved that the Riot Act -should be read, in order to prove one of his previous assertions. Burke, -who had been bursting with impatience for full an hour and a half, and -who was anxious to speak to the question, finding himself about to be so -disappointed, rose, exclaiming, The Riot Act, my dear friend! the Riot -Act! to what purpose? Don't you see that the mob is already completely -dispersed? Every person present was convulsed with laughter, except -Hartley, who never changed countenance, and who still insisted that the -Riot Act should be read by the clerk. - - -767. When Lord Townshend was lord lieutenant of Ireland, the then -provost of Dublin lost no opportunity of repeating his solicitations for -places. My dear Hely, said his lordship, you have a great many things, -and I have nothing to give but a majority in the dragoons. I accept it -then, replied the provost. What! you take a majority! answered his -lordship, zounds, it is impossible; I only meant it as a joke. And I -accept it, replied the provost, merely to show you how well I can take a -joke. - - -768. A lunatic in Bedlam was asked how he came there? he answered, By a -dispute. What dispute? The bedlamite replied, The world said I was mad; -I said the world was mad; and they outvoted me. - - -769. When Sir Elijah Impey, the Indian judge, was on his passage home, -as he was one day walking the deck, it having blown pretty hard the -preceding day, a shark was playing by the side of the ship. Having never -seen such an object before, he called to one of the sailors to tell him -what it was. Why, replied the tar, I don't know what name they know them -by ashore, but here we call them sea-lawyers. - - -770. A gentleman observed one day to Mr. Henry Erskine, who was a great -punster, that punning is the lowest sort of wit. It is so, answered he, -and therefore the foundation of all. - - -771. A lady, who made pretensions to the most refined feelings, went to -her butcher to remonstrate with him on his cruel practices. How, said -she, can you be so barbarous as to put innocent little lambs to death? -Why not, madam, said the butcher; you would not eat them alive, would -you? - - -772. When Rochelle was besieged by the royalist armies in 1627, the -inhabitants elected for their mayor, captain, and governor, Jean Guiton. -This brave man at first modestly refused the office; but being pressed -by all his fellow-townsmen, he took up a poignard and said, I will be -mayor, since you wish it, but on the condition that I may be permitted -to strike this poignard to the heart of the first who speaks of -surrendering. I consent that you shall do the same to me, if I mention -capitulating; and I demand that this poignard lie always ready on the -table, when we assemble in the Town House. Cardinal de Richelieu, who -conducted the operations of the siege, had raised a mole before the gate -of the city, which shut up the entrance, and prevented provisions from -reaching it. Some one saying to Guiton that many of the people had -perished of hunger, and that death would soon sweep away all the -inhabitants--Well, said he coolly, it will be sufficient if one remains -to shut the gates. - - -773. Among the addresses presented upon the accession of James the -First, was one from the ancient town of Shrewsbury, wishing his majesty -might reign as long as the sun, moon, and stars endured. Faith, mon, -said the king to the person who presented it, if I do, my son must reign -by candlelight. - - -774. A Frenchman meeting an English soldier with a Waterloo medal, began -sneeringly to animadvert on our government for bestowing such a trifle, -which did not cost them three francs. That is true, to be sure, replied -the hero, it did not cost the English government three francs, but it -cost the French a Napoleon. - - -775. Collins the poet, though of a melancholy cast of mind, was by no -means averse to a _jeu de mot_, or quibble. Upon coming into a town the -day after a young lady, of whom he was fond, had left it, he said, How -unlucky it was that he had come a day after the fair. - - -776. A negro in Jamaica was tried for theft, and ordered to be flogged. -He begged to be heard, which being granted, he asked, If white man buy -stolen goods, why he be no flogged too? Well, said the judge, so he -would. Dere den, replied Mungo, is my massa; he buy tolen goods--he knew -me tolen, and yet he buy me. - - -777. Some sailors, who had made a great deal of prize-money, once -determined on purchasing a horse for the use of the mess; accordingly, -one of them was pitched upon to buy the horse. As soon as this honest -tar got on shore, he went to a noted horse-dealer, who brought out a -very clever-looking horse for the sailor's inspection, which he -particularly recommended to him, as being a nice, short-backed horse. -Ay, that may be, said the sailor, and that is the very reason he won't -do, for there is seven of us. - - -778. The late Dr. Glover, well known for being one of the best -companions in the world, was returning from a tavern one morning early, -across Covent Garden, when a chairman cried out, A chair! your honour, a -chair! Glover took no notice, but called his dog, who was a good way -behind, Scrub, Scrub, Scrub! Och, indeed! says the chairman, there goes -a pair o' ye! The facetious doctor gave his countryman half-a-crown for -the merry witticism. - - -779. A nabob, in a severe fit of the gout, told his physician that he -suffered the pains of the damned. The doctor coolly answered, What, -already! - - -780. A surgeon aboard a ship of war used to prescribe salt water for his -patients in all disorders. Having sailed one evening, on a party of -pleasure, he happened, by some mischance, to be drowned. The captain, -who had not heard of the disaster, asked one of the tars next day if he -had heard anything of the doctor. Yes, answered Jack, after a turn of -his quid, he was drowned last night in his medicine chest. - - -781. The celebrated Daniel Burgess, dining with a gentleman of his -congregation, a large Cheshire cheese, uncut, was brought to table. -Where shall I cut it? asked Daniel. Anywhere you please, Mr. Burgess, -answered the gentleman. Upon which Daniel handed it to the servant, -desiring him to carry it to his house, and he would cut it at home. - - -782. How does your new purchased horse answer? said the late Duke of -Cumberland to George Selwyn. I really don't know, replied George, for I -never asked him a question. - - -783. A young fellow once came dancing, whistling, and singing into a -room where old Colley Cibber sat coughing and spitting; and, cutting a -caper, triumphantly exclaimed, There, you old put, what would you give -to be as young as I am? Why, young man, replied he, I would agree to be -almost as foolish. - - -784. A recruiting serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin in one -of the streets in Manchester, with Come my lad, thou'lt fight for thy -king, won't thou? Voight for my king, answered Hodge, why, has he fawn -out wi' ony body? - - -785. After a battle lately between two celebrated pugilists, an Irishman -made his way to the chaise, where the one who had lost the battle had -been conveyed, and said to him, How are you, my good fellow? can you see -at all with the eye that's knocked out? - - -786. Two dinner-hunters meeting at Pall Mall a short time back, one -inquired of the other how he had been for some days? He replied, In a -very poor way indeed. I have not been able to eat anything at all. God -bless me! said his hungry friend, that is extremely strange, you -generally have a very good appetite, you must have been seriously ill. -Oh! not at all, believe me, you misconceive my meaning; I could have -eaten, but the reason why I have not been able to do so is, that no one -has invited me to dinner. - - -787. Mr. Curran was once asked, what an Irish gentleman, just arrived in -England, could mean by perpetually putting out his tongue? I suppose, -replied the wit, he's trying to catch the English accent. - - -788. Have you anything else old? said an English lady at Rome, to a boy -of whom she had bought some modern antiques; Yes, said the young urchin, -thrusting forward his hat, which had seen some dozen summers, my hat is -very old. The lady rewarded his wit. - - -789. The late celebrated penurious H. Jennings, esq., who was reputed to -be the richest commoner in England, when at the age of 92, was applied -to by one of his tenants, then in the 80th year of his age, to renew his -lease for a further term of 14 years, when, after some general -observations, Mr. Jennings coolly said, Take a lease for 21 years, or -you will be troubling me again! - - -790. Sancho, said a dying planter to his slave, for your faithful -services, I mean now to do you an honour; and leave it in my will, that -you shall be buried in our family ground. Ah, massa! replied Sancho, -Sancho no good to be buried; Sancho rather have de money or de freedom; -besides, if de devil should come in de dark to look for massa, he might -mistake, and take de poor negar man. - - -791. Two gentlemen, the other day, conversing together, one asked the -other, if ever he had gone through Euclid. The reply was, I have never -been farther from Liverpool than Runcon, and I don't recollect any place -of that name. - - -792. Lady Rachel is put to bed, said Sir Boyle to a friend. What has she -got? Guess. A boy? No; guess again. A girl? Who told you? - - -793. The wife of a Scotch laird being suddenly taken very ill, the -husband ordered the servant to get a horse ready to go to the next town -to the doctor; by the time, however, the horse was ready, and his letter -to the doctor written, the lady recovered, on which he added the -following postcript, and sent off the messenger: My wife being -recovered, you need not come. - - -794. In a company, consisting of naval officers, the discourse happened -to turn on the ferocity of small animals; when an Irish gentleman -present stated his opinion to be, that a Kilkenny cat, of all animals, -was the most ferocious; and added, I can prove my assertion by a fact -within my own knowledge: I once, said he, saw two of these animals -fighting in a timber yard, and willing to see the result of a long -battle, I drove them into a deep saw-pit, and placing some boards over -the mouth, left them to their amusement. Next morning I went to see the -conclusion of the fight, and what d'ye think I saw? One of the cats dead -probably, replied one of the company. No, by St. Patrick, there was -nothing left in the pit but the two tails, and a bit of flue. - - -795. Dr. Wall, at a public dinner, was playing with a cork upon the -table. What a dirty hand Dr. W. has, said Mr. E. I will bet you a bottle -there is a dirtier in company, said the doctor, who had overheard. Done. -Upon which he produced his other hand, and won the wager. - - -796. Dr. Ratcliffe being in a tavern one evening, a gentleman entered in -great haste, almost speechless: Doctor, my wife is at the point of -death, make haste, come with me. Not till I have finished my bottle, -however, replied the doctor. The man, who happened to be a fine athletic -fellow, finding entreaty useless, snatched up the doctor, hoisted him on -his back, and carried him out of the tavern; the moment he set the -doctor upon his legs, he received from him, in a very emphatic manner, -the following threat: Now, you rascal, I'll cure your wife in spite of -you. - - -797. A little girl, who knew very well the painful anxiety which her -mother had long suffered, during a tedious course of litigation, hearing -that she had at last lost her law-suit, innocently cried out, O, my dear -mama! how glad I am that you have lost that nasty law-suit, which used -to give you so much trouble and uneasiness. - - -798. A gentleman, who possessed a small estate in Gloucestershire, was -allured to town by the promises of a courtier, who kept him in constant -attendance for a long while to no purpose; at last the gentleman, quite -tired out, called upon his pretended friend, and told him that he had at -last got a place. The courtier shook him very heartily by the hand, and -said he was very much rejoiced at the event: But pray, sir, said he, -where is your place? In the Gloucester coach, replied the other; I -secured it last night; and so good-bye to you. - - -799. Mr. Rogers was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis, -whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight, -Will your kindness, Sir Philip, excuse my addressing to you a single -question? At your peril, sir! was the harsh and the laconic answer. The -bard returned to his friends, who eagerly asked him the result of his -application. I don't know, he answered, whether he is Junius: but, if he -be, he is certainly Junius Brutus. - - -800. A girl forced by her parents into a disagreeable match with an old -man, whom she detested, when the clergyman came to that part of the -service where the bride is asked if she consents to take the bridegroom -for her husband, said, with great simplicity, Oh dear, no, sir; but you -are the first person who has asked my opinion upon the affair. - - -801. It is well known that the veterans who preside at the examinations -of surgeons, question minutely those who wish to become qualified. After -answering very satisfactorily to the numerous inquiries made, a young -gentleman was asked, if he wished to give his patient a profuse -perspiration, what he would prescribe. He mentioned many diaphoretic -medicines in case the first failed, but the unmerciful questioner thus -continued, Pray, sir, suppose none of those succeeded, what step would -you take next? Why, sir, enjoined the harassed young Esculapius, I would -send him here to be examined; and if that did not give him a sweat, I do -not know what would. - - -802. There is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord -Clare, who exclaimed at one of his legal positions, O! if that be law, -Mr. Curran, I may burn my law books! Better read them, my lord, was the -sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder. - - -803. Rock, the comedian, when at Covent Garden, advised one of the -scene-shifters, who had met with an accident, to the plan of a -subscription; and a few days afterwards he asked for the list of names, -which, when he read it over, he returned. Why, Rock, said the poor -fellow, won't you give me something? Zounds, man, replied the other, -didn't I give you the hint. - - -804. When Mr. Hankey was in vogue as a great banker, a sailor had as -part of his pay, a draft on him for fifty pounds. This the sailor -thought an immense sum, and calling at the house, insisted upon seeing -the master in private. This was at length acceded to; and when the -banker and the sailor met together, the following conversation ensued. -Sailor: Mr. Hankey, I've got a tickler for you--didn't like to expose -you before the lads.--Hankey: That was kind. Pray, what's this -tickler?--Sailor: Never mind, don't be afraid, I won't hurt you; 'tis a -fifty.--Hankey: Ah! that's a tickler, indeed.--Sailor: Don't fret; give -me five pounds now, and the rest at so much a week, I shan't mention it -to anybody. - - -805. A conceited coxcomb once said to a barber's boy, Did you ever shave -a monkey? Why no, sir, replied the boy, never; but if you will please to -sit down, I will try. - - -806. An Irishman, a short time since, bid an extraordinary price for an -alarum clock, and gave as a reason, That, as he loved to rise early, he -had nothing to do but to pull the string, and he could wake himself. - - -807. A certain noble lord being in his early years much addicted to -dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman, -whose food was herbs, and his drink water. What! madam, said he, would -you have me to imitate a man who eats like a beast and drinks like a -fish? - - -808. The town of Chartres was besieged by Henry IV., and at last -capitulated. The magistrate of the town, on giving up his keys, -addressed his majesty:--This town belongs to your highness by divine -law, and by human law. And by cannon law, too, added Henry. - - -809. The Marquis St. Andre applied to Louvois, the war-minister of Louis -XIV., for a small place then vacant. Louvois having received some -complaints against the marquis, refused to comply. The nobleman, -somewhat nettled, rather hastily said, If I were to enter again into the -service, I know what I would do. And pray what would you do? inquired -the minister in a furious tone. St. Andre recollected himself, and had -the presence of mind to say, I would take care to behave in such a -manner, that your excellency should have nothing to reproach me with. -Louvois, agreeably surprised at this reply, immediately granted his -request. - - -810. An Irish soldier, who came over with General Moore, being asked if -he met with much hospitality in Holland? O yes, replied he, too much: I -was in the hospital almost all the time I was there. - - -811. Henry IV. having bestowed the _cordon bleu_ on a nobleman, at the -solicitation of the Duke de Nevers, when the collar was put on, the -nobleman made the customary speech, Sire, I am not worthy. I know it -well, said the king, but I give you the order to please my cousin De -Nevers. - - -812. Dr. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in -order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the -sexton's misconduct, as to raise his choler so as to draw from him this -expression:--Sir, I was in hopes you would have treated my failings with -more gentleness, or that you would have been the last man alive to -appear against me, as I have covered so many blunders of yours! - - -813. When I have a cold in my head, said a gentleman in company, I am -always remarkably dull and stupid. You are much to be pitied, then, sir, -replied another, for I don't remember ever to have seen you without. - - -814. A prisoner, at the bar of the Mayor's Court, being called on to -plead to an indictment for larceny, was told by the clerk to hold up his -right hand. The man immediately held up his left hand. Hold up your -right hand, said the clerk. Please your honour, said the culprit, still -keeping up his left hand, I am left-handed. - - -815. In a large party, one evening, the conversation turned upon young -men's allowance at College. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-judging -parsimony of many parents, in that respect. I am sure, Tom, said his -father, you need not complain; I always allowed you eight hundred a -year. Yes, father, I must confess you allowed it; but then it was never -paid. - - -816. When Dr. Parr's preface to Bellendenus was the theme of general -admiration, Horne Tooke said of it, rather contemptuously, It consists -of mere scraps; alluding to the frequent use of the Ciceronean language. -This sarcasm was mentioned to Parr, who afterwards meeting Tooke, said -to him, So, Mr. Tooke, you think my Preface mere scraps? True, replied -Tooke, with inimitable readiness, but you know, my dear Doctor, scraps -are often tit-bits. - - -817. An old woman received a letter from the post-office, at New York. -Not knowing how to read, and being anxious to know the contents, -supposing it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person -near to read the letter to her. He accordingly began and read: -Charleston, June 23, 1826. Dear mother,--then making a stop to find out -what followed (as the writing was rather bad), the old lady -exclaimed--Oh, 'tis my poor Jerry, he always stuttered! - - -818. When Kleber was in Egypt, he sustained, during five hours, with -only two thousand men, the united efforts of twenty thousand. He was -nearly surrounded, was wounded, and had only a narrow defile by which to -escape. In this extremity, he called to him a chef de bataillon, named -Chevardin, for whom he had a particular regard. Take, said he to him, a -company of grenadiers, and stop the enemy at the ravine. You will be -killed, but you will save your comrades. Yes, general, replied -Chevardin. He gave his watch and his pocket-book to his servant, -executed the order, and his death, in fact, arrested the enemy, and -saved the French. - - -819. An Irish gentleman was relating in company that he saw a terrible -wind the other night. Saw a wind! said another, I never heard of a wind -being seen! But, pray, what was it like? Like to have blown my house -about my ears, replied the first. - - -820. Dr. O'Connor, in his History of Poland, says that the Irish are -long-lived; that some of them attain to the age of a hundred: in short, -adds the doctor, they live as long as they can. - - -821. An Irish labourer bought a pair of shoes, and at the same time -asked the shoemaker, if he could tell him what would prevent them going -down on the sides? The shoemaker said, The only way to prevent that was -to change them every morning. Pat accordingly returned the following -morning, called for a pair of shoes, fitted them on, left the pair he -bought the day before, and was walking out of the shop without further -notice, when the shoemaker called to him to know what he was doing, -telling him at the same time, that he had forgotten to pay for the shoes -he had just bought. And is it what am I doing, you ask? Am not I doing -what you told me yesterday, changing my shoes every morning? - - -822. Notwithstanding the perpetual contention between Rich and Garrick -for the favour of the town, they lived upon very friendly terms. Rich -had improved his house at Covent Garden, and made it capable of holding -more. Garrick went with him to see it, and asked him in the theatrical -phrase, How much money it would hold? Sir, said Rich, that question I am -at present unable to answer, but were you to appear but one night on my -stage, I should be able to tell you to the utmost shilling. - - -823. Sir William Curtis lately sat near a gentleman at a civic dinner, -who alluded to the excellence of the knives, adding, that articles -manufactured from Cast steel were of a very superior quality, such as -razors, forks, &c. Aye, replied the facetious baronet, and soap -too--there's no soap like Castile soap. - - -824. A miller, who attempted to be witty at the expense of a youth of -weak intellects, accosted him with, John, people say that you are a -fool. To this, John replied, I don't know that I am, sir; I know some -things, sir, and some things I don't know, sir. Well, John, what do you -know? I know that millers always have fat hogs, sir. And what don't you -know? I don't know whose corn they eat, sir. - - -825. When Dr. Ehrenberg (the Prussian traveller) was in Egypt, he said -to a peasant, I suppose you are quite happy now; the country looks like -a garden, and every village has its minaret. God is great! replied the -peasant; our master gives with one hand and takes with two. - - -826. Frank Hayman was a dull dog. When he buried his wife, a friend -asked him why he expended so much money on her funeral? Ah, sir, replied -he, she would have done as much, or more, for me, with pleasure. - - -827. At a doctor's shop, a few doors from Westminster Bridge, may be -seen written up the following notification: -- ----, surgeon, -apothecary, and accoucheur to the king. - - -828. A certain bishop having recently conferred a piece of preferment on -an able and amiable divine, resident near London, the gentleman wrote to -his son, who was at school at Brighton, announcing the circumstance; -adding, how extremely kind the bishop had been in giving him a stall: to -which the youth returned the following answer: Dear father, I am -extremely glad to hear of your preferment--now the bishop has given you -another stall, perhaps you will keep a horse for me. - - -829. Some one seeing a beggar in his shirt, in winter, as brisk as -another muffled up to the ears in furs, asked him how he could endure to -go so? The man of many wants replied, Why, sir, you go with your face -bare; I am all face. A good reply, for a regular beggar, whether taken -in a jocose or a philosophical sense. - - -830. How do you find yourself, Mrs. Judy? said a St. Bartholomew's -surgeon, after taking off the arm of an Irish basket-woman. How do I -find myself? why, without my arm--how the devil else should I? - - -831. A loving husband once waited on a physician to request him to -prescribe for his wife's eyes, which were very sore. Let her wash them, -said the doctor, every morning, with a small glass of brandy. A few -weeks after, the doctor chanced to meet the husband. Well, my friend, -has your wife followed my advice? She has done everything in her power -to do it, doctor, said the spouse, but she never could get the glass -higher than her mouth. - - -832. Two Scotch clergymen, who were not so long-headed as they -themselves imagined, met one day at the turning of a street, and ran -their heads together unawares. The shock was rather stunning to one of -them. He pulled off his hat, and laying his hand on his forehead, said, -Sic a thump! my heed's a' ringing again. Nae wonder, said his companion, -your heed was aye Boss (empty), that makes it ring; my heed disna ring a -bit. How could it ring, said the other, seeing it is cracket? cracket -vessels never ring.--Each described the other to a T. - - -833. I will save you a thousand pounds, said an Irishman to an old -gentleman, if you don't stand in your own light. How? You have a -daughter, and you intend to give her ten thousand as a marriage portion. -I do, sir. I will take her with nine thousand. - - -834. An Irishman telling what he called an excellent story, a gentleman -observed, he had met with it in a book published many years ago. -Confound those ancients, said Teague, they are always stealing one's -good thoughts. - - -835. A man of the name of Mark Noble, passing by the garrison at Hull, -the sentinel, as usual, called out, Who goes there? Twenty shillings, -answered Mark. That cannot be, said the sentinel. Why, a Mark and a -Noble make twenty shillings, said Mark. - - -836. I live in Julia's eyes, said an affected dandy in Colman's hearing. -I don't wonder at it, replied George, since I observed she had a sty in -them when I saw her last. - - -837. A veteran at the battle of Trafalgar, who was actively employed at -one of the guns on the quarter-deck of the Britannia, had his leg shot -off below the knee, and observed to an officer, who was ordering him to -be conveyed to the cockpit, That's but a shilling touch; an inch higher -and I should have had my eighteen pence for it; alluding by this to the -scale of pensions allowed for wounds, which, of course, increase -according to their severity. The same hearty fellow, as they were -lifting him on a brother tar's shoulders, said to one of his friends, -Bob, take a look for my leg, and give me the silver buckle out of my -shoe; I'll do as much for you, please God, some other time. - - -838. Some time after Louis XIV. had collated the celebrated Bossuet to -the bishopric of Meaux, he asked the citizens how they liked their new -bishop. Why, your majesty, we like him pretty well. Pretty well! why -what fault have you to find with him? To tell your majesty the truth, we -should have preferred having a bishop who had finished his education; -for whenever we wait upon him, we are told that he is at his studies. - - -839. A boy who did not return after the holidays to Winchester school, -by the time the master had charged him to do, returned at last loaded -with a fine ham, as a bribe. The master took the ham, and told him, that -he might give his compliments to his mother for the ham, but assured him -it should not save his bacon, and flogged him. - - -840. Previous to a late general election, two candidates for a northern -county met in a ball-room. Why do you sit still? said a friend, to one -of them, whilst your opponent is tripping it so assiduously with the -electors' wives and daughters? The aspirant for parliamentary fame -replied, I have no objection to his dancing for the county, if I am -allowed to sit for it. - - -841. An uninformed Irishman, hearing the Sphinx alluded to in company, -whispered to a friend, Sphinx! who is he now? A monster-man. Oh, a -Munster man! I thought he was from Connaught, replied the Irishman, -determined not to seem totally unacquainted with the family. - - -842. An Irish gentleman, sojourning at Mitchner's Hotel, Margate, felt -much annoyed at the smallness of the bottles, considering the high price -of the wine. One evening, taking his glass with a friend in the -coffee-room, the pompous owner came in, when the gentleman, after -apologizing to Mitchner, told him he and his friend had laid a wager, -which he must decide, by telling him what profession he was bred to. -Mitchner, after some hesitation at the question, answered that he was -bred to the law. Then, said the gentleman, I have lost, for I laid that -you was bred a packer. A packer, sir! said Mitchner, swelling like a -turkey-cock, what could induce you, sir, to think I was bred a packer? -Why, sir, said the other, I judged so from your wine measures, for I -thought no man but a skilful packer could put a quart of wine into a -pint bottle. - - -843. Lady Carteret, wife of the lord lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift's -time, said to him, The air of this country is good. For God's sake, -madam, said Swift, don't say so in England: if you do they will -certainly tax it. - - -844. King Charles II. was reputed a great connoisseur in naval -architecture. Being once at Chatham, to view a ship just finished, on -the stocks, he asked the famous Killigrew, if he did not think he should -make an excellent shipwright? who pleasantly replied, He always thought -his majesty would have done better at any other trade than his own. No -favourable compliment, but as true a one, perhaps, as ever was paid. - - -845. One day Dean Swift observed a great rabble assembled before the -deanery door, in Kevin Street, and upon inquiring into the cause of it, -he was told they were waiting to see the eclipse. He immediately sent -for the beadle and told him what he should do. Away ran Davy for his -bell, and after ringing it some time among the crowd, bawled out--O yes, -O yes? all manner of persons here concerned are desired to take notice, -that it is the Dean of St. Patrick's good will and pleasure, that the -eclipse be put off till this time to-morrow! so God save the king and -his reverence the dean. The mob upon this dispersed; only some Irish -wit, more shrewd and cunning than the rest, said, with great -self-complacency, that they would not lose another afternoon, for that -the dean, who was a very comical man, might take it into his head to put -off the eclipse again, and so make fools of them a second time. - - -846. Some school-boys meeting a poor woman driving asses, one of them -said to her, Good morning, mother of asses! Good morning, my children, -was the reply. - - -847. A clergyman being at the point of death, a neighbouring brother, -who had some interest with his patron, applied to him for the next -presentation; upon which the former, who soon recovered, upbraided him -with a breach of friendship, and said he wanted his death. No, no, -doctor, said the other, you quite mistake: it was your living I wanted. - - -848. A gentleman in company complaining that he was very subject to -catch cold in his feet, another, not over-loaded with sense, told him -that might easily be prevented, if he would follow his directions. I -always get, said he, a thin piece of lead out of an India chest, and fit -it to my shoe for this purpose. Then, sir, said the former, you are like -a rope-dancer's pole, you have lead at both ends. - - -849. The late Duchess of Kingston, who was remarkable for having a very -high sense of her own dignity, being one day detained in her carriage by -a cart of coals that was unloading in the street, she leaned with both -her arms upon the door, and asked the fellow, How dare you, sirrah, stop -a woman of quality in the street? Woman of quality! replied the man. -Yes, fellow, rejoined her grace, don't you see my arms upon my carriage? -Yes, I do, indeed, said he, and a pair of plaguy coarse arms they are. - - -850. A worthy churchwarden of Canterbury lately excused himself, by -note, from a dinner party, by alleging that he was engaged in taking the -senses (census) of his parish. - - -851. On the day for renewing the licences of the publicans in the West -Riding of Yorkshire, one of the magistrates said to an old woman who -kept a little alehouse, that he trusted she did not put any pernicious -ingredients into the liquor; to which she replied, There is nought -pernicious put into our barrels but the exciseman's stick. - - -852. Some soldiers at Chelsea were bragging of the privations they had -often undergone; when one of them said, he had slept for weeks on rough -boards, with a wooden pillow; the other observed, that was a comfort to -what he endured, having slept night after night, in Italy, on marble. An -Irish fisherman, who was in company, observed, It was all bother and -nonsense, for he had often slept on a bed of oysters. - - -853. A droll fellow, who got a livelihood by fiddling at fairs and about -the country, was one day met by an acquaintance that had not seen him a -great while, who accosted him thus: Bless me! what, are you alive? Why -not? answered the fiddler; did you send anybody to kill me? No, replied -the other, but I was told you were dead. Ay, so it was reported, it -seems, said the fiddler, but I knew it was false as soon as I heard it. - - -854. Mr. M----, the artist, was reading the paper the other day, while -his boy, who had the daily task of preparing his palette for him, was -rubbing in the various tints, when the boy suddenly stopped, and, with -an anxious look, said, Pray, sir, I have heard so much about it, will -you have the goodness to tell me what is the Color o' Morbus? - - -855. Milton, the British Homer, and prince of modern poets, in his -latter days, and when he was blind--(a thing some men do with their eyes -open), married a shrew. The Duke of Buckingham one day, in Milton's -hearing, called her a rose. I am no judge of flowers, observed Milton, -but it may be so, for I feel the thorns daily. - - -856. One of the wooden mitres, carved by Gui. Gibbon, over one of the -stalls, in the cathedral church of Canterbury, happening to become -loose, Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the dean -whether he should make it fast; for, perhaps, said Jessy, it may fall on -your reverence's head. Well, Jessy, suppose it does, answered the -humorous Cantab, suppose it does fall on my head, I don't know that a -mitre falling on my head would hurt it. - - -857. A gentleman of Magdalen College, whose name was Nott, returning -late from his friend's rooms in rather a merry mood, and, not quite able -to preserve his centre of gravity, in his way home, attracted the -attention of the proctor, who demanded his name and college. I am Nott -of Maudlin, was the hiccuping reply. Sir, said the proctor, in an angry -tone, I did not ask of what college you are not, but of what college you -are. I am Nott of Maudlin, was again the broken reply. The proctor, -enraged at what he considered contumely, insisted on accompanying him to -Maudlin, whither having arrived, he demanded of the porter whether he -knew the gentleman. Know him, sir, said the porter, yes, it is Mr. Nott, -of this college. The proctor now perceived his error in not -understanding the gentleman, and, laughing heartily at the affair, -wished him a good night. - - -858. Bishop Sherlock and Hoadly were both fresh-men of the same year, at -Catherine Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in which they were -first lectured, was Tully's Offices, and it so happened, one morning, -that Hoadly received a compliment from the tutor for the excellence of -his construing. Sherlock, a little vexed at the preference shown to his -rival (for such they then were), and, thinking to bore Hoadly by the -remark, said, when they left the lecture-room, Ben, you made good use of -L'Estrange's translation to-day. Why, no, Tom, retorted Hoadly, I did -not, for I had not got one; and I forgot to borrow yours, which is the -only one in the college. - - -859. A cockney sportsman, being out one day amusing himself with -shooting, happened to fire through a hedge, on the other side of which -was a man, standing or leaning, no matter which. The shot passed through -the man's hat, but missed the bird. Did you fire at me, sir? he hastily -asked. O no, sir, said the shrewd sportsman, I never hit what I fire at. - - -860. Some persons broke into the stables belonging to a troop of horse, -which was quartered at Carlisle, and wantonly docked the tail of every -horse close to the rump. The captain, relating the circumstance next -day, to a brother officer, said he was at a loss what to do with the -horses. I fancy you must dispose of them by wholesale, was the reply. -Why by wholesale? Because you'll certainly find it impossible to retail -them. - - -861. At one of the Holland House Sunday dinner-parties, a few years ago, -Crockford's club, then forming, was talked of; and the noble hostess -observed, that the female passion for diamonds was surely less ruinous -than the rage for play among men. In short, you think, said Mr. Rogers, -that clubs are worse than diamonds. This joke excited a laugh, and when -it had subsided, Sydney Smith wrote the following impromptu -sermonet--most appropriately on a card; - - Thoughtless that "all that's brightest fades," - Unmindful of that Knave of Spades, - The Sexton and his Subs: - How foolishly we play our parts! - Our wives on diamonds set their hearts, - We set our hearts on clubs. - - -862. The Duke of Clarence jocularly observing to a captain of the navy, -that he heard he read the Bible, wished to know what he had learned from -it. The captain replied that there was one part of Scripture, at least, -which he well remembered, and thought it contained an admirable lesson. -What is that? cried the duke. Not to put my trust in princes! your royal -highness. - - -863. Mr. Abrahams, said Lord Mansfield, this man is your son, and cannot -go in the same bail bond. He ish not my son, my lord. Why, Mr. Abrahams, -here are twenty in court will prove it. I will shwear, my lord, he ish -not. Take care, Abrahams, or I will send you to the King's Bench. Now, -my lord, if your lordship pleases, I will tell you the truth. Well, I -shall be glad to hear the truth from a Jew, replied Lord Mansfield. My -lord, I wash in Amsterdam two years and three quarters; when I came home -I findish this lad; now the law obliges me to maintain him; and -consequently, my lord, he ish but my son-in-law. Well, rejoined Lord -Mansfield, this is the best definition of a son-in-law I ever heard. - - -864. An Irishman being told that a friend of his had put his money in -the stocks, Well, said he, I never had a farthing in the stocks, but I -have had my legs often enough in them. - - -865. Dr. Fuller having requested one of his companions, who was a bon -vivant, to make an epitaph for him, received the following, with the -conceit of which he always expressed himself much pleased--"Here lies -Fuller's earth." - - -866. Two Irish seamen being on board a ship of war that was lying at -Spithead, one of them, looking on Haslar Hospital, observed, How much -that building puts me in mind of my father's stables. Arrah, my honey, -cried the other, come with me, and I will shew you what will put you in -mind of your father's house. So saying, he led him to the pig-sty. -There, said he, does not that put you in mind of your father's parlour? - - -867. At a violent opposition election for Shrewsbury, in the reign of -George I., a half-pay officer, who was a non-resident burgess, was, with -some other voters, brought down from London at the expense of Mr. -Kynaston, one of the candidates. The old campaigner regularly attended -and feasted at the houses which were opened for the electors in Mr. -Kynaston's interest, until the last day of the polling, when, to the -astonishment of the party, he gave his vote to his opponent. For this -strange conduct he was reproached by his quondam companions, and asked, -what could have induced him to act so dishonourable a part, and become -an apostate. An apostate! answered the old soldier--an apostate! by no -means. I made up my mind about whom I should vote for before I set out -upon this campaign; but I remembered the duke's constant advice to us -when I served with our army in Flanders--Always quarter upon the enemy, -my lads; always quarter upon the enemy. - - -868. One of those Hibernian lapidaries to whose skill the London -pavements are so highly indebted, was tried at the Old Bailey one day -for biting off the nose of a Welchman, a brother paviour, in a quarrel, -at their work. The unfortunate Cambrian appeared in court with his -nose less countenance, and swore the fact against the prisoner; but -Dennis stoutly denied it, and called his gossip, another Hibernian -paviour, to give evidence in his defence. This witness, with great -apparent simplicity, stated, That to be sure his gossip and the other -man had a little bit of a scrimmage, and both fell together; that the -Welchman made several attempts to bite his gossip's face, and at last he -made a twist of his mouth, and bit off his own nose in a mistake. - - -869. Counsellor Crips, of Cork, being on a party at Castle Martyr, the -seat of the Earl of Shannon, in Ireland, one of the company, who was a -physician, strolled out before dinner into the church-yard. Dinner being -served up, and the doctor not returned, some of the company were -expressing their surprise where he could be gone to. Oh, said the -counsellor, he is but just stepped out to pay a visit to some of his old -patients. - - -870. Sir John Davis, a Welchman, in the reign of King James I., wrote a -letter to the king in these words: Most mighty Prince! the gold mine -that was lately discovered in Ballycurry turns out to be a lead one. - - -871. An Irish gentleman in company, seeing that the lights were so dim -as only to render the darkness visible, called out lustily, Here, -waiter, let me have a couple of daycent candles, just that I may see how -these others burn. - - -872. An Irishman lately arriving in London, and passing through Broad -Street, observed a glass globe, containing some fine large gold fish, he -exclaimed--And sure, this is the first time in my life that I have seen -live red herrings. - - -873. The father of the celebrated Sheridan was one day descanting on the -pedigree of his family, regretting that they were no longer styled the -O'Sheridans, as they were formerly. Indeed, father, replied Sheridan, -then a boy, we have more right to the O than any one else; for we owe -everybody. - - -874. A country carpenter having neglected to make a gibbet (which was -ordered by the executioner), on the ground that he had not been paid for -the last he erected, gave so much offence, that the next time the judge -went the circuit he was sent for. Fellow, said the judge, in a stern -tone, how came you to neglect making the gibbet that was ordered on my -account? I humbly beg your pardon, said the carpenter, had I known it -had been for your lordship, it should have been done immediately. - - -875. An Intendant of Montpellier, having lost his lady, was solicitous -that the chief officers of the city should attend her funeral obsequies. -This honour the magistrates thought proper to refuse, because it was not -customary, and might introduce a bad precedent. With a view, however, to -conciliate the favour of a person whom it would not be their interest to -offend, they politely added, If, sir, it had been your own funeral, we -should have attended it with the greatest pleasure. - - -876. An Irish bookseller, previous to a trial in which he was the -defendant, was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the -jury to whom he had personal objection, he might legally challenge them. -Faith, and so I will, replied he; if they do not bring me off handsomely -I will shoot every man of them. - - -877. A prisoner confined in a French prison for a petty debt, lately -sent to his creditor, to let him know he had a proposal to make for -their mutual benefit. The creditor came, and the incarcerated thus -addressed him: Sir, I have been thinking that it is a very idle thing -for me to be here, and put you to the expense of twenty sous a day. My -being so chargeable to you has given me great uneasiness, and God knows -what it may cost you in the end. Therefore, I propose that you should -let me out of prison, and, instead of a franc, you shall allow me only -ten sous a day, and the other half franc shall go towards the discharge -of the debt.[3] - - [3] By the French law a creditor is bound to allow his debtor a franc - a day so long as he detains him in prison. - - -878. Porson was no less distinguished for his wit and humour during his -residence in Cambridge, than for his profound learning; and he would -frequently divert himself by sending quizzical morceaux, in the shape of -notes, to his companions. He one day sent his gyp with a note to a -certain Cantab, who is now a D.D. and master of his college, requesting -him to find the value of nothing; next day he met his friend walking, -and, stopping him, he desired to know, whether he had succeeded? His -friend answered, Yes. And what may it be? asked Porson. Sixpence! -replied he, which I gave the man for bringing the note. - - -879. A fellow of atrocious ugliness chanced to pick up a looking-glass -on his road. But when he looked at himself he flung it away in a rage, -crying, Curse you, if you were good for anything you would not have been -thrown away by your owner. - - -880. Dr. Graham being on his stage at Chelmsford, in Essex, in order to -promote the sale of his medicines, told the country people that he came -there for the good of the public, not for want. Then speaking to his -merry Andrew, Andrew, said he, do we come here for want? No, faith, sir, -said Andrew, we have enough of that at home. - - -881. An Irish gentleman meeting his nephew, who told him he had just -been entered at college, replied, I am extremely happy to hear it; make -the most of your time and abilities, and I hope I shall live to hear you -preach my funeral sermon. - - -882. An old gentleman, who used to frequent one of the coffee-houses in -Dublin, being unwell, thought he might make so free as to steal an -opinion concerning his case; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity -of asking one of the faculty, who sat in the same box with him, what he -should take for such a complaint? Advice, said the doctor. - - -883. An Irishman maintained in company that the sun did not make his -revolution round the earth. But how, said one to him, is it possible, -that having reached the west, where he sets, he could be seen to rise in -the east, if he did not pass underneath the globe? How puzzled you are, -replied the obstinate ignorant man; he returns the same way; and if it -be not perceived, it is on account of his coming back by night. - - -884. Baron d'Adrets occasionally made his prisoners throw themselves -headlong, from the battlements of a high tower, upon the pikes of his -soldiers. One of these unfortunate persons, having approached the -battlements twice, without venturing to leap, the baron reproached him -with his want of courage, in a very insulting manner. Why, sir, said the -prisoner, bold as you are, I would give you five times before you took -the leap. This pleasantry saved the poor fellow's life. - - -885. An Irishman, angling in the rain, was observed to keep his line -under the arch of a bridge; upon being asked the reason, he gave the -following answer: To be sure, the fishes will be after crowding there, -in order to keep out of the wet. - - -886. A foolish fellow went to the parish priest, and told him, with a -very long face, that he had seen a ghost. When and where? said the -pastor. Last night, replied the timid man, I was passing by the church, -and up against the wall of it, did I behold the spectre. In what shape -did it appear? replied the priest. It appeared in the shape of a great -ass. Go home, and say not a word about it, rejoined the pastor: you are -a very timid man, and have been frightened by your own shadow. - - -887. A lady remarking to a bookseller that she had just had Crabbe's -Tales, and thought them excellent; another lady heard the observation -with astonishment, and on the departure of the speaker, asked the -bookseller, with a very grave face, If he could tell her how the crab's -tails were dressed, as she should like much to taste them. - - -888. A very worthy, though not particularly erudite, underwriter at -Lloyd's was conversing one day with a friend in the coffee-house, on the -subject of a ship they had mutually insured. His friend observed, Do you -know, I shrewdly suspect our ship is in jeopardy. The devil she is! said -he; well, I am glad that she has got into port at last. - - -889. Sir Thomas Overbury says, that the man who has not anything to -boast of but his illustrious ancestors, is like a potato plant--the only -good belonging to him is under ground. - - -890. It is well known that the celebrated lawyer Dunning (afterwards -Lord Ashburton) was a severe cross-examiner, unsparing in his sarcasms -and reflections upon character, when he thought that the truth might be -elicited by alarming a witness. He sometimes was harsh and overbearing, -when milder behaviour would have done him more credit, and answered his -purpose quite as well. Among the numerous rebukes which he received for -this habit of severity, the following is related, from his brother -barrister, Jack Lee. He mentioned to Lee that he had made a purchase of -some manors in Devonshire. It would be well, said Lee, if you could -bring them to Westminster Hall. - - -891. The late Lee Lewes shooting on a field, the proprietor attacked him -violently: I allow no person, said he, to kill game on my manor but -myself, and I'll shoot you, if you come here again. What, said the -other, I suppose you mean to make game of me. - - -892. George the Fourth, on hearing some one declare that Moore had -murdered Sheridan, in his biography of that statesman, observed: I won't -say that Mr. Moore has murdered Sheridan, but he has certainly attempted -his life. - - -893. The late Duke of Norfolk was remarkably fond of his bottle. On a -masquerade night, he consulted Foote as to what character he should -appear in. Don't go disguised, said Foote, but assume a new character; -go sober. - - -894. Lord B--, who sports a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr. -O'Connell in Dublin, the latter said, When do you mean to place your -whiskers on the peace establishment? When you place your tongue on the -civil list! was the witty rejoinder. - - -895. A gentleman, at whose house Swift was once dining in Ireland, -introduced at dinner remarkably small hock glasses, and at length -turning to Swift addressed him,--Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a -glass of _hic_, _haec_, _hoc_, with you. Sir, rejoined the doctor, I -shall be happy to comply, but it must be out of a _hujus_ glass. - - -896. There were two very fat noblemen at the court of Louis the -Fifteenth, the Duke de L-- and the Duke de N--. They were both one day -at the levee, when the king began to rally the former on his corpulence. -You take no exercise, I suppose, said the king. Pardon me, sire, said de -L--, I walk twice a day round my cousin de N--. - - -897. An avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining on -Saturday with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, -Tom, you must eat for to-day and to-morrow. O, yes, retorted the -half-starved lad, but I ha'nt eaten for yesterday and to-day yet, -father. - - -898. Shortly after the commencement of the last war, a tax was laid on -candles, which, as a political economist would prove, made them dear. A -Scotch wife, in Greenock, remarked to her chandler, Paddy Macbeth, that -the price was raised, and asked why. It's a' owin' to the war, said -Paddy. The war! said the astonished matron, gracious me! are they gaun -to fight by candle light? - - -899. Dr. Parr, who, it is well known, was not very partial to the Thea -linensis, although lauded so warmly by a French writer as _nostris -gratissima musis_, being invited to take tea by a lady, with true -classic wit and refined gallantry, uttered the following delicate -compliment:--_Non possum te-cum vivere, nec sine te!_ - - -900. Benjamin Franklin, when a child, found the long graces used by his -father before and after meals, very tedious. One day, after the winter's -provisions had been salted--I think, father, said Benjamin, if you were -to say grace over the whole cask once for all, it would be a great -saving of time. - - -901. Mr. Pitt, said the Duchess of Gordon, I wish you to dine with me at -ten this evening. I must decline the honour, said the premier, for I am -engaged to sup with the Bishop of Lincoln at nine. - - -902. Burnet relates that the Habeas Corpus Act was carried by an odd -artifice in the House of Lords. Lords Grey and Norris being named the -tellers, and Lord Norris being subject to vapours, was not at all times -attentive; on a very fat lord passing, Lord Grey counted him as ten, as -a jest at first, but seeing Lord Norris had not observed it, he went on, -and it was reported to the house, and it was declared, that they who -were for the bill, were the majority, though it was really on the other -side; and by this means the bill was passed. Would that all tricks had -the same happy results! - - -903. The late Bonnel Thornton, like most wits, was a lover of -conviviality, which frequently led him to spend the whole night in -company, and all the next morning in bed. On one of these occasions, an -old female relation, having waited on him before he had risen, began to -read him a familiar lecture on prudence; which she concluded by saying, -Ah! Bonnel, Bonnel! I see plainly that you'll shorten your days. Very -true, Madam, replied he, but, by the same rule, you must admit that I -shall lengthen my nights. - - -904. An attorney, who was much molested by a fellow importuning him to -bestow something, threatened to have him taken up as a common beggar. A -beggar! exclaimed the man, I would have you to know that I am of the -same profession as yourself; are we not both solicitors? That may be, -friend, yet there is this difference--you are not a legal one, which I -am. - - -905. Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease -on the neckcloth of his companion, said, I see you are a Grecian. Pooh! -said the other, that's far-fetched. No, indeed, said the punster, I made -it on the spot. - - -906. Foote being in company, and the Tuscan grape producing more riot -than concord, he observed one gentleman so far gone in debate as to -throw the bottle at his antagonist's head; upon which, catching the -missile in his hand, he restored the harmony of the company, by -observing, that if the bottle was passed so quickly, not one of them -would be able to stand out the evening. - - -907. On Mr. H. Erskine's receiving his appointment to succeed Mr. -Dundas, as justiciary in Scotland, he exclaimed that he must go and -order his silk robe. Never mind, said Mr. Dundas, for the short time you -will want it, you had better borrow mine! No! replied Erskine, how short -a time soever I may need it, heaven forbid that I commence my career by -adopting the abandoned habits of my predecessor. - - -908. Lord Mansfield being willing to save a man who stole a watch, -desired the jury to value it at tenpence; upon which the prosecutor -cried out, Tenpence, my lord! why the very fashion of it cost me five -pounds. Oh, said his lordship, we must not hang a man for fashion's -sake. - - -909. One morning a party came into the public rooms at Buxton, somewhat -later than usual, and requested some tongue. They were told that Lord -Byron had eaten it all. I am very angry with his lordship, said a lady, -loud enough for him to hear the observation. I am sorry for it, madam, -retorted Lord Byron; but before I ate the tongue, I was assured you did -not want it. - - -910. Sir William Gooch being engaged in conversation with a gentleman in -a street of the city of Williamsburgh, returned the salute of a negro, -who was passing by about his master's business. Sir William, said the -gentleman, do you descend so far as to salute a slave? Why, yes, replied -the governor; I cannot suffer a man of his condition to exceed me in -good manners. - - -911. A learned Irish Judge, among other peculiarities, has a habit of -begging pardon on every occasion. On his circuit, a short time since, -his favourite expression was employed in a singular manner. At the close -of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of the -court reminded him that he had not passed sentence on one of the -criminals, as he had intended--Dear me! said his lordship, I really beg -his pardon--bring him in. - - -912. Dr. Parr and Lord Erskine are said to have been the vainest men of -their time. At dinner, some years since, Dr. Parr, in ecstasy with the -conversational powers of Lord E., called out to him, My lord, I mean to -write your epitaph. Dr. Parr, replied the noble lawyer, it is a -temptation to commit suicide. - - -913. Gibbon the historian, notwithstanding his shortness and rotundity, -was very gallant. One day being alone with Madame de Cronuas, Gibbon -wished to seize the favourable moment, and suddenly dropping on his -knees, he declared his love in the most passionate terms. Madame de -Cronuas replied in a tone to prevent the repetition of such a scene. -Gibbon was thunder-struck, but still remained on his knees, though -frequently desired to get up and resume his seat. Sir, said Madame de -Cronuas, will you have the goodness to rise? Alas, madam, replied the -unhappy lover, I cannot--(his size prevented him from rising without -assistance)--upon this Madame de Cronuas rang the bell, saying to the -servant, Assist Mr. Gibbon up. - - -914. An Irishman, who served on board a man-of-war in the capacity of a -waister, was selected by one of the officers to haul in a tow-line, of -considerable length, that was towing over the taffrail. After rowsing-in -forty or fifty fathoms, which had put his patience severely to proof, as -well as every muscle of his arms, he muttered to himself, By my soul, -it's as long as to-day and to-morrow!--It's a good week's work for any -five in the ship!--Bad luck to the arm or leg it'll lave me at -last!--What! more of it yet!--Och, murder; the sa's mighty deep, to be -sure! When, after continuing in a similar strain, and conceiving there -was little probability of the completion of the labour, he stopped -suddenly short, and addressing the officer of the watch, exclaimed, Bad -manners to me sir, if I don't think somebody's cut off the other end of -it! - - -915. Rose, private secretary to Louis XIV., having married his daughter -to M. Portail, president of the parliament, was constantly receiving -from his son-in-law, complaints of his daughter's ill temper. To one of -these he at length answered, that he was fully convinced of her -misconduct, and was resolved to punish her for it: in short, that if he -heard any more of it, he would disinherit her. He heard no more. - - -916. It was some years ago said in the parliament-house at Edinburgh, -that a gentleman who was notorious for a pretty good appetite, had eaten -away his senses. Poh! replied Erskine, they would not be a mouthful to a -man of his bowels. - - -917. Sir Watkin Williams Wynne talking to a friend about the antiquity -of his family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere -mushroom of yesterday. How so, pray? said the baronet. Why continued the -other, when I was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular family was shown -to me: it filled up above five large skins of parchment, and near the -middle of it was a note in the margin--About this time the world was -created. - - -918. A gentleman having occasion to call upon Mr. Joseph Graham, writer, -found him at home in his writing chamber. He remarked the great heat of -the apartment, and said, It was hot as an oven. So it ought, replied Mr. -G., for 'tis here I make my bread. - - -919. Judge Burnet, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is -said to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by -his father in a very serious humour, What is the matter with you, Tom? -said the bishop; what are you ruminating on? A greater work than your -Lordship's History of the Reformation, answered the son. Ay! what is -that? asked the father. The reformation of myself, my lord, replied the -son. - - -920. A facetious abbe having engaged a box at the opera-house at Paris, -was turned out of his possession by a marshal of France, as remarkable -for his ungentlemanlike behaviour as for his cowardice and meanness. The -abbe, for his unjustifiable breach of good manners, brought his action -in a court of honour, and solicited permission to be his own advocate, -which was granted, when he pleaded to the following effect:--It is not -of Monsieur Suffrein, who acted so nobly in the East Indies, that I -complain; it is not of the Duke de Crebillon, who took Minorca, that I -complain; it is not of the Comte de Grasse, who so bravely fought Lord -Rodney, that I complain; but it is of Marshal ----, who took my box at -the opera-house, and never took anything else. This most poignant stroke -of satire so sensibly convinced the court that he had already inflicted -punishment sufficient, that they refused to grant him a verdict--a fine -compliment to the abbe's wit. - - -921. Frederic, conqueror as he was, sustained a severe defeat at Coslin -in the war of 1755. Some time after, at a review, he jocosely asked a -soldier, who had got a deep cut in his cheek, Friend, at what alehouse -did you get that scratch? I got it, said the soldier, at Coslin, where -your majesty paid the reckoning. - - -922. During an action of Admiral Rodney with the French, a woman -assisted at one of the guns on the main deck, and being asked by the -admiral, what she did there? she replied, An't please your honour, my -husband is sent down to the cockpit wounded, and I am here to supply his -place: do you think, your honour, I am afraid of the French? - - -923. The celebrated Bubb Doddington was very lethargic. Falling asleep -one day after dinner with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the -general, the latter reproached Doddington with his drowsiness. -Doddington denied having been asleep; and to prove he had not, offered -to repeat all Lord Cobham had been saying. Cobham challenged him to do -so. Doddington repeated a story, and Lord Cobham owned he had been -telling it. And yet, said Doddington, I did not hear a word of it; but I -went to sleep because I knew that about this time you would tell that -story. - - -924. When the late Duchess of Kingston wished to be received at the -court of Berlin, she got the Russian minister there to mention her -intention to his Prussian majesty, and to tell him at the same time, -that her fortune was at Rome, her bank at Venice, but that her heart was -at Berlin. The king replied, I am sorry we are only intrusted with the -worst part of her grace's property. - - -925. Fletcher, Bishop of Nismes, was the son of a tallow-chandler. A -proud duke once endeavoured to mortify the prelate, by saying, at the -levee, that he smelt of tallow: to which the bishop replied, My lord, I -am the son of a chandler, it is true, and if your lordship had been, you -would have remained so all the days of your life. - - -926. Zimmerman, who was very eminent as a physician, went from Hanover -to attend Frederic the Great in his last illness. One day the king said -to him, You have, I presume, sir, helped many a man into another world? -This was a rude speech, and an unpleasant pill for the doctor; but the -dose he gave the king in return, was a judicious mixture of truth and -flattery: Not so many as your majesty, nor with so much honour to -myself. - - -927. During the riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save -their houses from being burned or pulled down, wrote on the outside, No -Popery! Old Grimaldi, to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his, No Religion. - - -928. Mr. Palmer going home, after the business of the theatre was -concluded one evening, saw a man lying on the ground, with another on -him beating him violently; upon this he remonstrated with the uppermost, -telling him his conduct was unfair, and that he ought to let his -opponent get up, and have an equal chance with him. The fellow drolly -turned up his face to Mr. Palmer, and drily replied, Faith, sir, if you -had been at as much trouble to get him down as I have, you would not be -for letting him get up so readily. - - -929. A French ambassador at an audience with James I. conversed with -such rapidity, gesticulation, and grimace, as excited the wonder and -conversation of the court. James afterwards asked Lord Chancellor Bacon, -what he thought of the ambassador. Sire, replied the philosopher, he -appears a fine, tall, well-built man. I mean, interrupted the king, what -do you think of his head? is it equal to his employment? Sire, answered -Bacon, men of high stature very often resemble houses of four or five -stories, where the upper one is always the worst furnished. - - -930. In Mr. Fox's frolicsome days, a tradesman, who held his bill for -two hundred pounds, called for payment. Charles said he could not then -discharge it. How can that be? said the creditor; you have just now -lying before you bank notes to a large amount. Those, replied Mr. Fox, -are for paying my debts of honour. The tradesman immediately threw his -bill into the fire. Now, sir, said he, mine is a debt of honour, which I -cannot oblige you to pay. Charles, much to his honour, instantly paid -him his full demand. - - -931. The Duke d'Ossuna, being viceroy of Naples, went on board a Spanish -galley, on a festival, to exercise his right of delivering one of the -wretches from punishment. On interrogating them why they were brought -there, they all asserted their innocence but one, who confessed that his -punishment was too small for his crimes. The duke said, Here, take away -this rascal, lest he should corrupt all these honest men! - - -932. V-- having satirized a nobleman who was powerful at court, the -latter sought every occasion to revenge himself, and challenged V-- to -fight him with swords. We are not equals, replied the poet; you are very -great, I am little; you are brave, I am cowardly; you wish to kill -me--_eh bien_, I will consider myself as dead. This timely jest turned -the anger of the nobleman into irrestrainable laughter, and they parted -good friends. - - -933. In the time of the old court, the faces of the Parisian ladies were -spotted with patches like pards, and plastered with rouge like so many -red lions of the roadside. Lord Chesterfield, being at Paris, was asked -by Voltaire, if he did not think some French ladies, then in company, -whose cheeks were fashionably tinted, very beautiful. Excuse me, said -Chesterfield, from giving an opinion: I am really no judge of amateur -painting. - - -934. George II. passing through his chamber one evening, preceded by a -single page, a small canvas bag of guineas, which he held in his hand, -accidentally dropped, and one of them rolled under a closet door, in -which wood was usually kept for the use of his bed-chamber. After the -king had very deliberately picked up the money, he found himself -deficient of a guinea; and, guessing where it went, Come, said he to the -page, we must find this guinea; here, help me to throw out the wood. The -page and he accordingly went to work, and after some time found it. -Well, said the king, you have wrought hard, there is the guinea for your -labour, but I would have nothing lost. - - -935. A beauish marquis waited on some ladies, in order to take them to -the Paris Observatory, where the celebrated Cassini was to observe an -eclipse of the sun. The arrival of this party had been delayed by the -toilet; and the eclipse was over when the petit-maitre appeared at the -door. He was informed he had come too late, and that all was over. Never -mind, ladies, said he, step up; Monsieur Cassini is a particular friend -of mine; he will be so obliging as to begin again for me. - - -936. When Rabelais was on his death-bed, a consultation of physicians -was called. Dear gentlemen, said the wit to the doctors, raising his -languid head, let me die a natural death. - - -937. Dr. Busby, whose figure was beneath the common size, was one day -accosted in a public coffee-room, by an Irish baronet of colossal -stature, with, May I pass to my seat, O Giant? When the doctor, politely -making way, replied, Pass, O Pigmy! Oh, sir, said the baronet, my -expression alluded to the size of your intellect. And my expression, -sir, said the doctor, to the size of your's. - - -938. An apothecary, who used to value himself on his knowledge of drugs, -asserted that all bitter things were hot. No, said a gentleman present, -there is one of a very different quality--a bitter cold day. - - -939. Philip, Earl Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the -simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House -of Peers by a door-keeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord -Stanhope was resolved to get into the house without explaining who he -was; and the door-keeper, equally determined on his part, said to him, -Honest man, you have no business here; honest man, you can have no -business in this place. I believe, rejoined his lordship, you are right; -honest men have no business here. - - -940. When the late King of Denmark was in England, he very frequently -honoured Sir Thomas Robinson with his company, though the knight spoke -French in a very imperfect manner, and the king had scarce any knowledge -of English. One day, when Sir Thomas was in company with the late Lord -Chesterfield, and boasted much of his intimacy with the king, and added, -that he believed the monarch had a greater friendship for him than any -man in England, How report lies, exclaimed Lord Chesterfield; I heard no -later than this day, that you never met but a great deal of bad language -passed between you. - - -941. One of the most flattering and ingenious compliments Frederick ever -paid, was that which he addressed to the celebrated General Laudohn, at -the time of his interview with the emperor at the camp of Neiss. After -they had discoursed for about an hour, the two monarchs sat down to -dinner, with the princes and general officers in their train. Marshal -Laudohn, who had been invited among the rest, was about to seat himself -at the bottom of the table, but the king bade him come and sit by him, -saying, Come here, General Laudohn; I have always wished to see you on -my side, instead of fronting me. - - -942. Dr. Walcot, better known as Peter Pindar, called one day upon a -bookseller in Paternoster Row, the publisher of his works, by way of -inquiring into the literary and other news of the day. After some chat, -the doctor was asked to take a glass of wine with the seller of his wit -and poetry. Our author consented to accept of a little negus as an -innocent morning beverage; when instantly was presented to him a -cocoa-nut goblet, with the face of a man carved on it. Eh! eh! said the -doctor, what have we here? A man's skull, replied the bookseller; a -poet's for what I know. Nothing more likely, rejoined the facetious -doctor, for it is universally known that all you booksellers drink your -wine from our skulls. - - -943. A gentleman who was dining with another, praised very much the -meat, and asked who was the butcher? His name is Addison. Addison! -echoed the guest, pray is he any relation to the poet? In all -probability he is, for he is seldom without his steel (Steele) by his -side. - - -944. Swift having paid a visit at Sir Arthur Acheson's country seat, and -being, on the morning of his return to his deanery, detained a few -minutes longer than he expected at his breakfast, found, when he came to -the door, his own man on horseback, and a servant of Sir Arthur's -holding the horse he was to ride himself. He mounted, turned the head of -his horse towards his own man, and asked him in a low voice if he did -not think he should give something to the servant who held his horse, -and if he thought five shillings would be too much: No, sir, it will -not, if you mean to do the thing handsomely, was the reply. The dean -made no remark upon this, but when he paid his man's weekly account, -wrote under it, Deducted from this, for money paid to Sir Arthur's -servant for doing your business, five shillings. - - -945. Two Irish porters meeting in Dublin, one addressed the other with, -Och, Thady, my jewel, is it you? Are you just come from England! Pray -did you see anything of our old friend, Pat Murphy? The devil a sight, -replied he, and what's worse, I'm afraid I never shall. How so? Why, he -met with a very unfortunate accident lately. Amazing! What was it? O, -indeed, nothing more than this; as he was standing on a plank, talking -devoutly to a priest, at a place in London which I think they call the -Old Bailey, the plank suddenly gave way, and poor Murphy got his neck -broke. - - -946. A Quaker from Bristol, who lately alighted at an inn, called for -some porter, and observing, as it is now the fashion, the pint deficient -in quantity, thus addressed the landlord: Pray, friend, how many butts -of beer dost thou draw in a month? Ten, sir, replied Boniface. And thou -wouldst like to draw eleven if thou couldst, rejoined Ebenezer. -Certainly, exclaimed the smiling landlord. Then I will tell thee how, -friend, added the Quaker--fill thy measures. - - -947. A man who was on the point of being married, obtained from his -confessor his certificate of confession. Having read it, he observed -that the priest had omitted the usual penance. Did you not tell me, said -the confessor, that you were going to be married? - - -948. Lord Galloway was an enemy to the Bute administration. At the -change of the ministry he came to London, for the first time in the late -king's reign. He was dressed in black, in a very uncourtly style. When -he appeared at the levee, the eyes of the company were turned upon him, -and George Selwyn being asked who he was, replied, A Scotch undertaker -come to bury the last administration. - - -949. Old Astley, one evening, when his band was playing an overture, -went up to the horn players, and asked why they were not playing? They -said they had twenty bars rest. Rest! said he, I'll have nobody rest in -my company; I pay you for playing, not for resting. - - -950. Tom Tickle was peculiarly odd in his manner of drawing characters. -He once sent his servant to a gentleman, remarkable for being always in -a hurry, with a message of great importance; but the servant returned, -and told his master that the gentleman was in so great a hurry he could -not speak to him. It is no more than what I expected, said Tom, for he -loses an hour in the morning, and runs after it all day. - - -951. As the late Chevalier Taylor was once enumerating, in company, the -great honours which he had received from the different princes of -Europe, and the orders with which he had been dignified by numerous -sovereigns, a gentleman present took occasion to remark, that he had not -named the king of Prussia; adding, I suppose, sir, that monarch never -gave you any order! You are quite mistaken, sir, replied the Chevalier; -for I can most positively assure you, that he gave me a very peremptory -order--to quit his dominions. - - -952. A lady of rank, dancing one evening, approached so near to a -chandelier, that the fluttering plume of feathers, waving to and fro on -her forehead, came in contact with the flame, and the whole was -instantly in a blaze. The illumination, however, was quickly and happily -extinguished without harm; when her husband, seeing the danger avoided, -and the thoughtlessness of the act, peevishly and half angrily -exclaimed, Surely, your ladyship must be absolutely mad! No, no, replied -her ladyship, only a little light-headed. - - -953. A poor player, in a mixed company, undertook to quote a passage -from Shakespeare, that should be applicable to any remark that might be -made by any person present. A forward young fellow undertook to supply a -sentence that he believed could not be answered from the works of the -bard; and addressing the player, he said, You are the most insolent -pretender in the room. "You forget yourself," promptly replied the -player, quoting from the quarrel-scene between Brutus and Cassius. - - -954. At a public dinner, a gentleman observed a person who sat opposite -use a toothpick which had just done the same service to his neighbour. -Wishing to apprise him of his mistake, he said, I beg your pardon, sir, -but you are using Mr. ----'s toothpick. I know I am. By the powers, sir, -do you think I am not going to return it! - - -955. A Leicestershire farmer, who had never seen a silver fork, had some -soup handed to him at a dinner lately. He found that no spoon was placed -at his elbow. Lifting the fork, and twirling it in his fingers for some -time, he called the waiter, and requested him to bring a silver spoon -wi'out ony slits in it. - - -956. A sailor coming across Blackheath one evening, was stopped by a -footpad, who demanded his money, when a scuffle ensued. The tar took the -robber, and bore away with his prize to a justice of the peace at -Woolwich. When the magistrate came to examine into the assault, he told -the sailor that he must take his oath that the robber had put him in -bodily fear, otherwise he could not commit him. The sailor, looking -stedfastly at the justice, answered, He,--he put me in bodily fear! No, -nor any he that ever lived; therefore, if that is the case you may let -him go, for I will not swear to any such thing. - - -957. A barrister entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of which -he was not apprised, but endured from almost every observer some remark -on its appearance, till at last, addressing himself to Mr. Curran, he -asked him, Do you see anything ridiculous in this wig? The answer -instantly was, Nothing but the head. - - -958. Sterne, who used his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick -in a fine sentimental manner, in praise of conjugal love and fidelity. -The husband, said Sterne, who behaves unkindly to his wife, deserves to -have his house burnt over his head. If you think so, said Garrick, I -hope your house is insured. - - -959. A lady after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a -sonata on the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the -philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music? No, -madam, replied the doctor; but of all noises I think music is the least -disagreeable. - - -960. The Abbe Maury, who had rendered himself obnoxious to the -democrats, during the French revolution, was one night seized by the -mob, who looked round for a lamp-post to suspend him on. Pray, my good -friends, said the Abbe, were you to hang me to that lamp-post, do you -think that you would see any the clearer for it? This well-timed wit -softened the rabble and saved his life. - - -961. Salezzo de Pedrada praising an old lady for her beauty, she -answered, that beauty was incompatible with her age. To which Salezzo -replied, We say, as beautiful as an angel; and yet the angels are, of -all creatures, the most ancient. - - -962. A French officer quarreling with a Swiss, reproached him with his -country's vice of fighting on either side for money, while we Frenchmen, -said he, fight for honour. Yes, sir, replied the Swiss, every one fights -for that which he most wants. - - -963. When the late Mr. Windham, the war minister, was upon a trip to the -continent, he met with a Dutch clergyman, who was very eager in his -inquiries as to the doctrines and discipline of the church of England, -to which he received satisfactory answers; those, however, were -succeeded by others of a more difficult nature, particularly as to the -manner in which some English preachers manufacture their sermons. Upon -Mr. Windham confessing his ignorance of this subject, the Dutchman, in a -tone of disappointment, exclaimed, Why, then, I find, sir, after all the -conversation we have had, that I have been deceived as to your -profession: they told me you were an English minister. - - -964. Dr. Savage, who died in 1747, travelled in his younger days with -the Earl of Salisbury, to whom he was indebted for a considerable living -in Hertfordshire. One day at the levee, the king (George I.) asked him -how long he had resided at Rome with Lord Salisbury? Upon his telling -how long, Why, said the king you stayed there long enough; how is it you -did not convert the Pope? Because, sir, replied the doctor, I had -nothing better to offer him. - - -965. On the Scotch circuits, the judges gave dinners, having an -allowance for that purpose. The great Lord Kames was extremely -parsimonious; and, at a circuit dinner at Perth, did not allow claret, -as had been the custom. The conversation turned on Sir Charles Hardy's -fleet, which was then blockaded by the French; and one of the company -asked what had become of our fleet. Mr. Henry Erskine answered, -Confined, like us, to port. - - -966. M. Lalande, the French astronomer, during the whole time of the -revolution, confined himself to the study of that science. When he found -that he had escaped the fury of Robespierre, he jocosely said, I may -thank my stars for it. - - -967. After Dr. Johnson had been honoured with an interview with the -king, in the queen's library at Buckingham House, he was interrogated by -a friend concerning his reception, and his opinion of the royal -intellect. His majesty, replied the doctor, seems to be possessed of -much good-nature and much curiosity, and is far from contemptible. His -majesty, indeed, was multifarious in his questions, but he answered them -all himself. - - -968. A common councilman was hoaxed into an opinion, that, as a -representative of the citizens, he was entitled to ride through the -turnpikes free of expense. He next day mounted his nag, to ascertain his -civic privileges; and asked at the turnpike at the Dog-row, in Mile-end -road, if, as a common councilman, he had not a right to pass without -payment? Yes, replied the turnpike man archly, you may pass yourself, -but you must pay for your horse. - - -969. There was a lady of the west country, that gave a great -entertainment at her house, to most of the gallant gentlemen thereabout, -and, among others, Sir Walter Raleigh. This lady, though otherwise a -stately dame, was a notable good housewife; and in the morning betimes -she called to one of her maids that looked to the swine, and asked, Are -the pigs served? Sir Walter Raleigh's chamber was close to the lady's. -Before dinner the lady came down in great state into the -assembling-room, which was full of gentlemen, and as soon as Sir Walter -cast his eyes upon her, Madam, are the pigs served? The lady answered, -You know best whether you have had your breakfast. - - -970. Joseph II. Emperor of Germany, travelling in his usual way, without -his retinue, attended by only a single aide-de-camp, arrived very late -at the house of an Englishman, who kept an inn in the Netherlands. It -being fair time, and the house rather crowded, the host, ignorant of his -guest's quality, appointed them to sleep in an out-house, which they -readily complied with; and, after eating a few slices of ham and -biscuit, retired to rest, and in the morning paid their bill, which -amounted to only 3_s._ 6_d._ English, and rode off. A few hours -afterwards, several of his suite coming to inquire after him, and the -publican understanding the rank of his guest, appeared very uneasy. -Psha! psha! man, said one of the attendants, Joseph is accustomed to -such adventures, and will think no more of it. But I shall, replied the -landlord; for I can never forget the circumstance, nor forgive myself -neither, for having had an emperor in my house, and letting him off for -3_s._ 6_d._ - - -971. Some years ago, says Richardson, in his Anecdotes of Painting, a -gentleman came to me to invite me to his house: I have, said he, a -picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. There is little H. the -other day came to see it, and said it was a copy. If any one says so -again, I'll break his head. Pray, Mr. Richardson, will you do me the -favour to come, and give me your real opinion of it? - - -972. A chimney-sweep having descended a wrong chimney, made his sudden -appearance in a room where two men, one named Butler and the other Cook, -were enjoying themselves over a pot of beer. How now, cried the former, -what news from the other world? The sweep perceiving his mistake, and -recollecting the persons, very smartly replied, I came to inform you -that we are very much in want of a Butler and Cook. - - -973. One of the Dover stages, on its way to London, was stopped by a -single highwayman, who was informed by the coachman there were no inside -passengers, and only one in the basket, and he was a sailor. The robber -then proceeded to exercise his employment on the tar; when waking him -out of his sleep Jack demanded what he wanted; to which the son of -plunder replied, Your money. You shan't have it, said Jack. No! replied -the robber, then I'll blow your brains out. Blow away then, you -land-lubber, cried Jack, squirting the tobacco-juice out of his mouth, I -may as well go to London without brains as without money; drive on, -coachman. - - -974. After a loud preface of O yes, pronounced most audibly three times, -in the High Street, Newmarket, the late Lord Barrymore, having collected -a number of persons together, made the following general proposal to the -gapers, Who wants to buy a horse that can walk five miles an hour, trot -sixteen, and gallop twenty? I do, said a gentleman, with manifest -eagerness. Then, replied Lord Barrymore, If I see any such animal to be -sold, I will be sure to let you know. - - -975. The Duke of Longueville's reply, when it was observed to him that -the gentlemen bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon -them, and that he ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: I had -much rather, answered the duke, have friends than hares. - - -976. A gentleman was once praising the style of Swift before Johnson: -the doctor did not find himself in the humour to agree with him; the -critic was driven from one of his performances to another. At length, -you must allow me, said the gentleman, that there are strong facts in -the account of the "Four last years of Queen Anne." Yes, surely, replied -Johnson, and so there always are in the Newgate Calendar. - - -977. Johnson made Goldsmith a comical answer one day, when he was -repining at the success of Beattie's Essay on Truth. Here is such a -stir, said he, about a fellow that has written one book, and I have -written many. Ah, doctor, said his friend, there go two and forty -sixpences, you know, to one guinea. - - -978. A finished coquette, at a ball, asked a gentleman near her, while -she adjusted her tucker, whether he could flirt a fan, which she held in -her hand. No, madam, answered he, proceeding to use it, but I can fan a -flirt. - - -979. A notorious thief, being to be tried for his life, confessed the -robbery he was charged with. The judge hereupon directed the jury to -find him guilty on his own confession. The jury having laid their heads -together, brought him in Not guilty. The judge bid them consider of it -again; but still they brought in their verdict Not guilty. The judge -asked the reason. The foreman replied, There is reason enough, for we -all know him to be one of the greatest liars in the world. - - -980. A notorious culprit, who suffered some years since at Salisbury, -and the last of three brothers who had been executed for similar -offences, after sentence was passed, said, My lord, I humbly thank you. -His lordship, astonished, asked him for what? Because, my lord, I -thought I should have been hung in chains, which would have been a -disgrace to the family. - - -981. Dean Jackson, passing one morning through Christchurch quadrangle, -met some undergraduates, who walked along without capping. The dean -called one of them, and asked, Do you know who I am? No, sir. How long -have you been in college? Eight days, sir. Oh, very well, said the dean, -walking away, puppies don't open their eyes till the ninth day. - - -982. A little lawyer appearing as evidence in one of the courts, was -asked by a gigantic counsellor, what profession he was of; and having -replied that he was an attorney--You a lawyer! said Brief, why I could -put you in my pocket. Very likely you may, rejoined the other, and if -you do, you will have more law in your pocket than ever you had in your -head. - - -983. When George Bidder, the calculating phenomenon, was a very little -boy, he made the tour of England with his father, displaying everywhere -his astonishing power of combining and resolving numbers. Among several -very ingenious and difficult questions prepared purposely for him, an -ignorant pedagogue asked (without furnishing any data), How many cow's -tails would reach to the moon? The boy, turning upon the inquirer an eye -of considerable archness, answered instantly, One, if it were long -enough. - - -984. Mr. Moore having been long under a prosecution in Doctors Commons, -his proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of -the Gamester. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of the -piece, being all he had written, by which the man of law was so much -affected, that he exclaimed, Good God! can you add to this couple's -distress in the last act? Oh, very easily, said the poet, I intend to -put them in the Ecclesiastical Court. - - -985. Ned Shuter was often very poor, and being still more negligent than -poor, was careless about his dress. A friend overtaking him one day in -the street, said to him, Why, Ned, are you not ashamed to walk the -streets with twenty holes in your stockings? why don't you get them -mended? No, my friend, said Ned, I am above it; and if you have the -pride of a gentleman, you will act like me, and walk with twenty holes -rather than have one darn. How, replied the other, how do you make that -out? Why, replied Ned, a hole is the accident of the day; but a darn is -premeditated poverty. - - -986. The witty Lord Ross, having spent all his money in London, set out -for Ireland, in order to recruit his purse. On his way, he happened to -meet with Sir Murrough O'Brien, driving towards Dublin in a lofty -phaeton with six prime dun-coloured horses. Sir Murrough, exclaimed his -lordship, what a contrast there is between you and me! you are driving -your duns before you, but my duns are driving me before them. - - -987. The high-bailiff of Birmingham, attended by some officers of the -town, goes round on a market-day to examine the weight of the butter, -and they seize all which is found short of sixteen ounces. A countryman, -who generally stood in a particular place, having on a former market-day -lost two pounds of butter, was seen, the next time they came round, to -laugh heartily, while the officers were taking a considerable quantity -from a woman who stood near him. One of the officers, not pleased with -the fellow's want of decorum, particularly in the presence of men vested -with such high authority, said, What do you mean by laughing, fellow? I -took two pounds from you last week. I'll lay you a guinea of it, said -the countryman. Done, replied the officer; and immediately put a guinea -into the hands of a respectable tradesman, who was standing at his own -door. The countryman instantly covered it; and then, with a triumphant -grin, said, Well done, thickhead, if it had been two pounds would you -have taken it from me? Was it not for being short of weight that I lost -it? The umpire without hesitation decided it in his favour, to the great -mortification of the humble administrator of justice. - - -988. An Irishman, some years ago, attending the University of Edinburgh, -waited upon one of the most celebrated teachers of the German flute, -desiring to know on what terms he would give him a few lessons: the -flute-player informed him, that he generally charged two guineas for the -first month, and one guinea for the second. Then, by my soul, replied -the Hibernian, I'll begin the second month! - - -989. Foote being at table next to a gentleman who had helped himself to -a very large piece of bread; he took it up and cut a piece off. Sir, -said the gentleman, that is my bread. I beg a thousand pardons, sir, -said Foote, I protest I took it for the loaf. - - -990. The Marquis della Scalas, an Italian nobleman, having invited the -neighbouring gentry to a grand entertainment, where all the delicacies -of the season were provided, some of the company arrived very early, for -the purpose of paying their respects to his excellency: soon after -which, the major-domo, entering the dining-room in a great hurry, told -the marquis that there was a fisherman below, who had brought one of the -finest fish in all Italy, for which, however, he demanded a most -extravagant price. Regard not his price, cried the marquis; pay him the -money directly. So I would, please your highness, but he refuses to take -any money. What, then, would the fellow have? A hundred strokes of the -strappado on his bare shoulders, my lord; he says he will not bate a -single blow. On this, the whole company ran down stairs, to see so -singular a man. A fine fish! cried the marquis; what is your demand, my -friend? Not a quatrini, my lord, answered the fisherman; I will not take -money: if your lordship wishes to have the fish, you must order me a -hundred lashes of the strappado on my naked back; otherwise I shall -apply elsewhere. Rather than lose the fish, said the marquis, we must -e'en let this fellow have his humour. Here! cried he to one of his -grooms, discharge this honest man's demands: but don't lay on too hard; -don't hurt the poor devil very much! The fisherman then stripped, and -the groom prepared to execute his lordship's orders. Now, my friend, -said the fisherman, keep an exact account, I beseech you; for I don't -desire a single stroke more than my due. The whole company were -astonished at the amazing fortitude with which the man submitted to the -operation, till he had received the fiftieth lash; when, addressing -himself to the servant, Hold, my friend, cried the fisherman; I have now -had my full share of the price. Your share? exclaimed the marquis; what -is the meaning of all this? My lord, returned the fisherman, I have a -partner, to whom my honour is engaged, that he shall have his full half -of whatever I receive for the fish; and your lordship, I dare venture to -say, will by and by own that it would be a thousand pities to defraud -him of a single stroke. And pray, honest friend, said the marquis, who -is this partner? Your porter, my lord, answered the fisherman, who keeps -the outer gate of the palace, and refused to admit me, unless I would -promise him half what I should obtain for the fish. Ho! ho! exclaimed -the marquis, laughing very heartily, by the blessing of heaven, he shall -have double his demand in full! The porter was accordingly sent for; and -being stripped to the skin, two grooms were directed to lay on with all -their might till he had fairly received what he was so well entitled to. -The marquis then ordered his steward to pay the fisherman twenty -sequins; desiring him to call annually for the like sum, as a recompense -for the friendly service he had rendered him. - - -991. Mr. Pope being one night crossing the street from Button's -coffee-house, when the moon occasionally peeped through a cloud, was -accosted by a link-boy with, Light, your honour! light, your honour! He -repeatedly exclaimed, I do not want you. But the lad still following -him, he peevishly cried out, Get about your business: God mend me! I -will not give you a farthing; it's light enough. It's light enough, -echoed the lad, what's light enough? your head or your pocket? God mend -you, indeed! it would be easier to make two men, than mend one such as -you. - - -992. A fellow, walking down Holborn Hill on a sultry summer evening, -observed an old gentleman, without his hat, panting and leaning upon a -post, and courteously asked him what was the matter? Sir, said the old -man, an impudent puppy has just snatched my hat off, and run away with -it: I have run after him until I have quite lost my breath, and cannot, -if my life depended on it, go a step farther. What, not a step? said the -fellow. Not a step, returned he. Why then, by Jupiter, I must have your -wig; and snatching off his fine flowing caxon, the thief was out of -sight in a minute. - - -993. Two tars, just landed, went to see an old acquaintance, who kept -what they humorously called a grog-shop, in a village near Portsmouth, -the sign of the Angel. On their entering the place, they stared about -for the wished-for sign. There it is! said one. Why, you fool, replied -the other, that's a peacock. Who do you call fool? retorted Ben; how the -devil should I know the difference, when I never saw an angel in my -life? - - -994. The late Colonel O'Kelly, well known to all the lovers of the turf, -having, at a Newmarket meeting, proposed a considerable wager to a -gentleman who, it seems, had no knowledge of him; the stranger, -suspecting the challenge came from one of the black-legged fraternity, -begged to know what security he would give for so large a sum if he -should lose, and where his estates lay. O! the dear craters, I have the -map of them about me, and here it is, sure enough, said O'Kelly, pulling -out a pocket-book, and giving unequivocal proofs of his property, by -producing bank-notes to a considerable amount. - - -995. After a successful attack on the royal party in 1745, a Higlander -gained a watch as his share of the plunder. Unacquainted with its use, -he listened with equal surprise and pleasure to the ticking sound with -which his new acquisition amused him; after a few hours, however, the -watch was down, the noise ceased, and the dispirited owner, looking on -the toy no longer with satisfaction, determined to conceal the -misfortune which had befallen it, and to dispose of it to the first -person who should offer him a trifle in exchange. He soon met with a -customer, but at parting he could not help exclaiming, Why, she died -last night. - - -996. When Mr. Penn, the proprietor of Pennsylvania, and the most -considerable man among the Quakers, went to court to pay his respects to -Charles II., that merry monarch, observing the Quaker not to lower his -beaver, took off his own hat, and stood uncovered before Penn, who said, -Prithee, friend Charles, put on thy hat. No, friend Penn, said the king, -it is usual for only one man to stand covered here. - - -997. A person had been relating many incredible stories when Professor -Engel, who was present, in order to repress his impertinence, said, But, -gentlemen, all this amounts to but very little, when I can assure you -that the celebrated organist, Abbe Vogler, once imitated a thunder-storm -so well, that for miles round all the milk turned sour. - - -998. The late Bishop of Worcester, Dr. Hough, was remarkable for -sweetness of temper, as well as every other christian virtue; of which -the following story affords a proof:--A young gentleman, whose family -had been well acquainted with the bishop, in making the tour of England -before he went abroad, called to pay his respects to his lordship as he -passed by his seat in the country. It happened to be at dinner time, and -the room full of company. The bishop, however, received him with much -familiarity; but the servant in reaching him a chair, threw down a -curious weather-glass that had cost twenty guineas, and broke it. The -gentleman was under infinite concern, and began to make an apology for -being himself the occasion of the accident, when the bishop with great -good nature interrupted him. Be under no concern, sir, said his -lordship, smiling, for I am much beholden to you for it: we have had a -very dry season; and now I hope we shall have rain, as I never saw the -glass so low in my life. Every one was pleased with the humour and -pleasantry of the turn. - - -999. Dr. Johnson was observed by a musical friend of his to be extremely -inattentive at a concert, whilst a celebrated solo player was running up -the divisions and subdivisions of notes upon his violin. His friend, to -induce him to take greater notice of what was going on, told him how -extremely difficult it was. Difficult, is it, sir! replied the doctor; I -wish it were impossible. - - -1000. An American general was once in company where there were some few -Scotch. After supper, when the wine was served up, the general rose and -addressed the company in the following words:--Gentlemen, I must inform -you, that when I get a little groggish, I have an absurd custom of -railing against the Scotch; I hope no gentleman in company will take it -amiss. With this he sat down. Up started M----, a Scotch officer, and -without seeming the least displeased, said, Gentlemen, I, when I am a -little groggish, and hear any person railing against the Scotch, have an -absurd custom of kicking him out of the company; I hope no gentleman -will take it amiss. It is hardly necessary to add, that, that night, he -had no occasion to exert his talents. - - -1001. The father of a late Lord Hardwicke was hanged for forgery. When -Lord H. sat as chancellor, an old countryman was examined as to a -particular fact, the exact date of which he could not recollect. All -that I remember about it, said he, is, that it happened on the day old -Yorke was hanged. - - -1002. A theatrical lady, celebrated for everything but continence, at -length resolved to marry and reform. Her conduct was duly canvassed in -the dressing-rooms of the theatres. I am told, cried one, that she -confessed to her liege lord all her amours. What a proof of courage! -exclaimed one lady. What an extraordinary instance of candour! said -another. What an amazing instance of memory! cried a third. - - -1003. Elliston had many friends and some relations in the church. -Visiting one of the latter, who had some occasion to call upon his -clerk, who was also the town crier, Elliston accompanied his friend; the -crier was from home, and whilst the reverend gentleman explained to the -man's wife the nature of his visit, Elliston looked over two or three -things that had been left to be cried that evening, amongst others, one -was of a dog lost, who, amid his peculiar spots and blemishes, had "sore -eyes;" Elliston always alive for a joke, altered the word sore to four. -The crier came home, took up the several notices and commenced his -round, enunciating in sonorous tones, Lost a black and tan coloured -terrier, and answers to the name of Carlo; has two black legs and four -eyes. You vagabond, cried the traveller to whom the dog belonged, how do -you think I shall ever get my dog, if you describe it in that way? The -crier maintained that it was according to the original, and, upon -examination, it was evident the paper had been tampered with. Home went -the crier, boiling with indignation; his wife had informed him of the -call of his reverend employer, but had said nothing about his companion, -and therefore no doubt remained on the clerk's mind, that his reverend -master himself had played the trick. He awaited patiently until Sunday -for his revenge, and before he took his seat in the clerk's pew, removed -the book of St. John from the New Testament. The clergyman gave out the -lesson, as the 2nd chapter of St. John, (the clerk had previously known -it was to be selected from thence,) and then began to look in vain for -the book in question; at last he whispered to the clerk, What has become -of St. John? He can't come, was the reply, he has got sore eyes. - - -1004. Dr. Carpue always gave it as his opinion, that Mathews, the -comedian, had experienced improper treatment at the time of his -accident, and that had he been in judicious hands, he would not have -been lame. Some one speaking upon this subject to R--, said, I -understand Mathews means to leave his broken leg to Carpue when he dies. -The devil he does! said R--; well, for my part, I should be sorry to -have such a leg-as-he (legacy). - - -1005. The Bishop of Ermeland lost a great portion of his revenues, in -consequence of the occupation of part of Poland by the King of Prussia. -Soon after this event, in the year 1773, he waited on his majesty at -Potsdam; when the king asked him, if he could, after what had happened, -still have any friendship for him? Sire! said the prelate, I shall never -forget my duty, as a good subject, to my sovereign. I am, replied the -king, still your very good friend, and likewise presume much on your -friendship towards me; for, should St. Peter refuse my entrance into -Paradise, I hope you will have the goodness to hide me under your -mantle, and take me in along with you. Sire! returned the bishop, that -will, I fear, scarcely be possible: your majesty has cut it too short to -admit of my carrying any contraband goods beneath it. - - -1006. A gentle sprinkle of rain happening, a plough-boy left his work -and went home; but his master seeing him there, told him that he should -not have left his work for so trifling an affair, and begged for the -future he would stay until it rained downright. A day or two afterwards -proving a very rainy day, the boy stayed till dusk, and being almost -drowned, his master asked him why he did not come home before? Why I -should, said the boy, but you zed I shou'dn't come home vore it rained -downright; and it has not rained downright yet, for it was aslaunt all -day long. - - -1007. A lady desired her butler to be saving of an excellent tun of -small beer, and asked him how it might best be preserved. I know of no -method so effectual, my lady, said the butler, as placing a barrel of -good ale by it. - - -1008. A humorous fellow being subpoenaed as a witness on a trial for -an assault, one of the counsel, who had been notorious for brow-beating -witnesses, asked him what distance he was from the parties when the -assault happened; he answered, Just four feet five inches and a half. -How come you to be so very exact, fellow? said the counsel. Because I -expected some fool or other would ask me, said he, and so I measured it. - - -1009. Francis I. of France, being told the people made very free with -his character in their songs, answered, It would be hard indeed not to -allow them a song for their money. - - -1010. An honest Hibernian, whose bank-pocket (to use his own phrase) had -stopped payment, was forced to the sad necessity of perambulating the -streets of Edinburgh two nights together for want of a few pence to pay -his lodgings, when accidentally hearing a person talk of the Lying-in -Hospital, he exclaimed, That's the place for me! Where is it, honey? for -I've been lying out these two nights past. - - -1011. A painter was employed in painting a West India ship in the river, -suspended on a stage under the ship's stern. The captain, who had just -got into the boat alongside, for the purpose of going ashore, ordered -the boy to let go the painter (the rope which makes fast the boat): the -boy instantly went aft, and let go the rope by which the painter's stage -was held. The captain, surprised at the boy's delay, cried out, -Heigh-ho, there, you lazy lubber, why don't you let go the painter? The -boy replied, He's gone, sir, pots and all. - - -1012. A young man, boasting of his health and constitutional stamina, in -the hearing of Wewitzer, the player, was asked to what he chiefly -attributed so great a happiness. To what, sir? to laying in a good -foundation, to be sure. I make a point, sir, to eat a great deal every -morning. Then I presume, sir, remarked Wewitzer, you usually breakfast -in a timber-yard. - - -1013. A captain in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at -Portsmouth, boasted that he had left his whole ship's company the -happiest fellows in the world. How so? asked his friend. Why I have just -flogged seventeen, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are -happy that they have escaped. - - -1014. A witness was called upon to testify concerning the reputation of -another witness for veracity. Why, said he, I hardly know what to tell -you: M---- sometimes jests and jokes, and then I don't believe him; but -when he undertakes to tell anything for a fact, I believe him as much as -I do the rest of my neighbours. - - -1015. An Irish journal announced the accouchement of her grace the Duke -of Dorset. Next day it was thus corrected: For "her grace the Duke of -Dorset," read "his grace the Duchess of Dorset." - - -1016. One evening, Tom Sheridan, after sitting with his father over a -bottle, was complaining of the emptiness of his pocket. The right -honourable manager told him jocularly, to go on the highway. I have -tried that already, said he, but without success. Ah! how? replied the -father. Why, resumed he, I stopped a caravan full of passengers, who -assured me they had not a farthing, as they all belonged to Drury Lane -Theatre, and could not get a penny of their salary. - - -1017. A man meeting his friend, said, I spoke to you last night in a -dream. Pardon me, replied the other, I did not hear you. - - -1018. An eccentric barber, some years ago, opened a shop under the walls -of the King's Bench prison. The windows being broken when he opened the -house he mended them with paper, on which appeared--'Shave for a penny,' -with the usual invitation to customers; and over the door was scrawled -these lines: - - Here lives Jemmy Wright, - Shaves as well as any man in England, - Almost--not quite. - -Foote (who loved anything eccentric) saw these inscriptions, and hoping -to extract some wit from the author, whom he justly concluded to be an -odd character, pulled off his hat, and thrusting his head through one of -the paper panes into the shop, called out, Is Jemmy Wright at home? The -barber immediately forced his own head through another pane into the -street, and replied, No, sir, he has just popped out. Foote laughed -heartily, and gave the man a guinea. - - -1019. A fellow had to cross a river, and entered the boat on horseback; -being asked the cause, he replied, I must ride, because I am in a hurry. - - -1020. Pray, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout? asked an indolent -and luxurious citizen. Live upon sixpence a day, and earn it! was the -pithy answer. - - -1021. Dr. Boldero, of Jesus College, had been treated with great -severity by the protectorate for his attachment to the royal cause, as -was also Herring, at that time Bishop of Ely, and in whose gift the -mastership of Jesus College is vested. On a vacancy of the mastership -occurring, Boldero, without any pretensions to the appointment, -presented a petition to the bishop. Who are you? said his lordship, I -know nothing of you? I never heard of you before! My lord, replied -Boldero, I have suffered long and severely for my attachment to my royal -master, as well as your lordship, and I believe your lordship and I have -been in all the gaols in England. What does the fellow mean! exclaimed -the bishop; Man! I never was confined in any prison but the Tower! And, -my lord, said Boldero, I have been in all the rest myself! The bishop's -heart was melted at this reply, and he granted Boldero's petition. - - -1022. The witty and licentious Earl of Rochester meeting with the great -Isaac Barrow in the park, told his companions that he would have some -fun with the rusty old put. Accordingly, he went up with great gravity, -and, taking off his hat, made the doctor a profound bow, saying, Doctor, -I am yours to my shoe-tie. The doctor, seeing his drift, immediately -pulled off his beaver, and returned the bow, with My lord, I am yours to -the ground. Rochester followed up his salutation by a deeper bow, -saying, Doctor, I am yours to the centre. Barrow, with a lowly -obeisance, replied, My lord, I am yours to the Antipodes. His lordship, -nearly gravelled, exclaimed, Doctor, I am yours to the lowest pit of -hell. There, my lord, said Barrow, sarcastically, I leave you; and -walked off. - - -1023. The following anecdote is related of the great Duke of -Marlborough. The duchess was pressing the duke to take a medicine; and, -with her usual warmth, said, I'll be hanged if it do not prove -serviceable. Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, Do take it then, my -lord duke; for it must be of service, in one way or the other. - - -1024. Cardinal de Bernis, when only an Abbe, solicited Cardinal Fleury, -then fourscore, for some preferment. Fleury told him fairly, he should -never have anything in his time. Bernis replied, _Monseigneur, -j'attendrai_ [My lord, I shall wait]. - - -1025. Mr. Suckling, a clergyman of Norfolk, having a quarrel with a -neighbouring gentleman, who insulted him, and at last told him, his gown -was his protection. The doctor replied, It may be mine, but it shall not -be yours; and pulling it off, thrashed the aggressor. - - -1026. In some parish churches it was the custom to separate the men from -the women. A clergyman, being interrupted by loud talking, stopped -short, when a woman, eager for the honour of the sex, arose and said, -Your reverence, it is not among us. So much the better, answered the -priest; it will be over the sooner. - - -1027. The evening before a battle, an officer came to ask Marshal Toiras -for permission to go and see his father, who was at the point of death. -Go, said the general, who saw through the pretext; thou shalt honour thy -father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the earth. - - -1028. A French gentleman, being married a second time, was often -lamenting his first wife before his second, who one day, said to him, -_Monsieur, je vous assure qu'il n'y a personne qui la regrette plus que -moi_ [I assure you, sir, no one regrets her more than I do]. - - -1029. A methodist in America, bragging how well he had instructed some -Indians in religion, called up one of them, and, after some questions, -asked him if he had not found great comfort last Sunday, after receiving -the sacrament. Ay, master, replied the savage, but I wished it had been -brandy. - - -1030. Towards the close of the reign of George the Second, the beautiful -Countess of Coventry talking to his majesty about shows, and thinking -only of the figure she herself would make in a procession, told him, the -sight she wished most to see was a coronation. - - -1031. William, Duke of Cumberland, gave promises of talents that were -never accomplished. One day he had given some offence to his royal -mother, and was remanded to the confinement of his chamber. After what -the queen thought a sufficient duration of his punishment, she sent for -him. He returned in a very sullen humour. What have you been doing? said -the queen. Reading. What book? The New Testament. Very well: what part? -Where it is said, Woman, why troublest thou me? - - -1032. A vicar and curate of a village, where there was to be a burial, -were at variance. The vicar not coming in time, the curate began the -service, and was reading the words, "I am the resurrection," when the -vicar arrived, almost out of breath, and, snatching the book out of the -curate's hands, with great scorn, cried, You the resurrection! "I am the -resurrection"--and then went on. - - -1033. A French officer being just arrived at the court of Vienna, and -the empress hearing that he had the day before been in company with a -great lady, asked him if it were true that she was the most handsome -princess of her time? The officer answered, with great gallantry, Madam, -I thought so yesterday. - - -1034. The _spretae injuria formae_ is the greatest with a woman. A man of -rank, hearing that two of his female relations had quarrelled, asked, -Did they call each other ugly? No. Well, well; I shall soon reconcile -them. - - -1035. Wit, or even what the French term _esprit_, seems little -compatible with feeling. Fontenelle was a great egotist, and thought of -nothing but himself. One of his old acquaintances went one day to see -him at his country house, and said he had come to eat a bit of dinner. -What shall we have? Do you like asparagus? said Fontenelle. If you -please; but with oil. Oil! I prefer them with sauce. But sauce disagrees -with me, replied the guest. Well, well, we will have them with oil. -Fontenelle then went out to give his orders; but on his return, found -his poor acquaintance dead of an apoplexy. Running to the head of the -stairs, he called out, Cook! dress the 'sparagus with sauce. - - -1036. An ignorant soldier at Quebec, observing some of his comrades stay -behind him at church, asked them, on their coming out, what was the -reason? They told him, jeeringly, that the parson had treated them with -some wine. No other liquor? said the fellow. Seeing he swallowed the -bait, they answered, that he might have what liquor he chose. Next -Sunday he stayed to have his share; and when the clergyman offered him -the wine, he put up his hand to his head, in token of salutation, and -said modestly, Please your reverence, I should prefer punch. - - -1037. A French peer, a man of wit, was making his testament: he had -remembered all his domestics, except his steward; I shall leave him -nothing, said he, because he has served me these twenty years. - - -1038. A president of the parliament of Paris asked Langlois, the -advocate, why he so often burdened himself with bad causes? My lord, -answered the advocate, I have lost so many good ones, that I am puzzled -which to take. - - -1039. Mr. Pitt's plan, when he had the gout, was to have no fire in his -room, but to load himself with bed-clothes. At his house at Hayes he -slept in a long room, at one end of which was his bed, and his lady's at -the other. His way was, when he thought the Duke of Newcastle had fallen -into any mistake, to send for him, and read him a lecture. The duke was -sent for once, and came, when Mr. Pitt was confined to bed by the gout. -There was, as usual, no fire in the room; the day was very chilly, and -the duke, as usual, afraid of catching cold. The duke first sat down on -Mrs. Pitt's bed as the warmest place; then drew up his legs into it, as -he got colder. The lecture unluckily continuing a considerable time, the -duke at length fairly lodged himself under Mrs. Pitt's bed-clothes. A -person, (who related the story to Horace Walpole,) suddenly going in, -saw the two ministers in bed, at the two ends of the room; while Pitt's -long nose, and black beard unshaved for some days, added to the -grotesqueness of the scene. - - -1040. The Duke of Orleans, the regent, had four daughters, distinguished -by the names of the Four Cardinal Sins. A wag wrote on their mother's -tomb, _Cy gist l'Oisivete_, [Here lies Idleness,] which, you know, is -termed the mother of all the vices. - - -1041. Sir T. Robinson was a tall, uncouth man, and his stature was often -rendered still more remarkable by his hunting dress, and postillion's -cap, a tight green jacket, and buckskin breeches. He was liable to -sudden whims; and once set off on a sudden, in his hunting suit, to -visit his sister, who was married and settled at Paris.--He arrived -while there was a large company at dinner. The servant announced M. -Robinson, and he came in, to the great amazement of the guests. Among -others, a French abbe thrice lifted his fork to his mouth, and thrice -laid it down, with an eager stare of surprise. Unable to restrain his -curiosity any longer, he burst out with, Excuse me, sir, are you the -famous Robinson Crusoe so remarkable in history? - - -1042. General Sutton, brother of Sir Robert Sutton, was very passionate: -Sir Robert Walpole the reverse. Sutton being one day with Sir Robert, -while his valet de chambre was shaving him, Sir Robert said, John, you -cut me;--and then went on with the conversation. Presently, he said -again, John, you cut me--and a third time--when Sutton starting up in a -rage, and doubling his fist at the servant, swore a great oath, and -said, If Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot, and if you cut him once more, -I'll knock you down. - - -1043. We read more of pearls than of diamonds in ancient authors. The -ancients had not skill enough to make the most of diamonds; and the art -of engraving on them is not older than the sixteenth century. The most -remarkable of modern pearls is that in the Spanish treasury, called The -Pilgrim. It was in the possession of a merchant, who had paid for it -100,000 crowns. When he went to offer it for sale to Philip IV. the king -said, How could you venture to give so much for a pearl? The merchant -replied, I knew there was a king of Spain in the world. Philip, pleased -with the flattery, ordered him his own price. - - -1044. Mr. Pennant, the ingenious and pleasing historian, had many -peculiarities and eccentricities in his private character, among the -latter may be classed his singular antipathy to a wig--which, however, -he can suppress, till reason yields a little to wine. But when this is -the case, off goes the wig next to him, and into the fire!--Dining once -at Chester with an officer who wore a wig, Mr. Pennant became half seas -over; and another friend that was in company carefully placed himself -between Pennant and wig, to prevent mischief. After much patience, and -many a wistful look, Pennant started up, seized the wig, and threw it -into the fire. It was in flames in a moment, and so was the officer, who -ran to his sword. Down stairs ran Pennant, and the officer after him, -through all the streets of Chester. But Pennant escaped, from superior -local knowledge. A wag called this "Pennant's Tour in Chester." - - -1045. The harengeres, or fish-women at Paris, form a sort of -body-corporate. In the time of Louis XIV. the Dauphin having recovered -from a long illness, the fish-women deputed four of their troop to offer -their congratulations. After some difficulties, the ladies were admitted -by the king's special command, and conducted to the dauphin's apartment. -One of them began a sort of harangue, What would have become of us if -our dear dauphin had died? We should have lost our all. The king -meanwhile had entered behind, and being extremely jealous of his power -and glory, frowned at this ill-judged compliment; when another of the -deputation, with a ready wit, regained his good graces, by adding, True; -we should have lost our all--for our good king could never have survived -his son, and would doubtless have died of grief. The _naif_ policy of -this unexpected turn was much admired. - - -1046. Lord William Poulet, though often chairman of committees of the -House of Commons, was a great dunce, and could scarce read. Being to -read a bill for naturalizing Jemima, Duchess of Kent, he called her, -Jeremiah, Duchess of Kent. Having heard south walls commended for -ripening fruit, he showed all the four sides of his garden for south -walls. - - -1047. Queen Caroline spoke of shutting up St. James's Park, and -converting it into a noble garden for the palace of that name. She asked -Sir Robert Walpole what it might probably cost? who replied, Only three -crowns. - - -1048. Cardinal Dubois offered an abbey to a bishop, who refused it, -because, he said, he could not reconcile to his conscience the -possession of two benefices. The cardinal, in great surprise, said, You -should be canonized. I wish, my lord, answered the bishop, that I -deserved it; and that you had the power. A delicate reproach of his -ambition. - - -1049. A low Frenchman bragged that the king had spoken to him. Being -asked what his majesty had said, he replied, He bade me stand out of his -way. - - -1050. I prefer the quarto size to the octavo: a quarto lies free and -open before one. It is surprising how long the world was pestered with -unwieldy folios. A Frenchman was asked if he liked books _in folio_ [in -the leaf]. No, says he, I like books _in fructu_ [in the fruit]. - - -1051. Lady Sandon was bribed with a pair of diamond earrings, and -procured the donor a good place at court. Though the matter was -notoriously known, she was so imprudent as to wear them constantly in -public. This being blamed in company, Lady Wortley Montague, like Mrs. -Candour, undertook Lady Sandon's defence. And pray, said she, where is -the harm? I, for my part, think Lady Sandon acts wisely--for does not -the bush show where the wine is sold? - - -1052. A Jew and a Christian, both Italians, united their endeavours in a -snuff-shop. On Saturday, the sabbath, the Jew did not appear; but on -Sunday he supplied the place of the Christian. Some scruples were -started to the Jew, but he only answered, _Trovata la legge, trovato -l'inganno_, [When laws were invented, tricks were invented.] - - -1053. After the French revolution, Lord Orford was particularly -delighted with the story of the Tigre National. A man who showed wild -beasts in Paris, had a tiger from Bengal, of the largest species, -commonly called the Royal Tiger. But when royalty, and everything royal, -was abolished, he was afraid of a charge of incivism; and, instead of -Tigre Royal, put on his sign-board, Tigre National. - - -1054. An attorney in France having bought a charge of bailiff for his -son, advised him never to work in vain, but to raise contributions on -those who wanted his assistance. What, father! said the son in surprise, -would you have me sell justice? Why not? answered the father: is so -scarce an article to be given for nothing? - - -1055. A father wished to dissuade his daughter from any thoughts of -matrimony. She who marries does well, said he; but she who does not -marry does better. Father, answered the girl meekly, I am content with -doing well; let her do better who can. - - -1056. A gentleman, travelling on a journey, having a light guinea which -he could not pass, gave it to his Irish servant, and desired him to pass -it upon the road. At night he asked him if he had passed the guinea. -Yes, sir, replied Teague, but I was forced to be very sly; the people -refused it at breakfast and at dinner; so, at a turnpike, where I had -fourpence to pay, I whipped it in between two halfpence, and the man put -it into his pocket, and never saw it. - - -1057. A little boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, -a gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their -youth, they were generally stupid and dull when they advanced in years, -and _vice versa_. What a very sensible boy, sir, must you have been! -returned the child. - - -1058. At an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate House, -Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the moral -questions was, Give a definition of happiness. To which one of the -candidates returned the following laconic answer, An exemption from -Payne. - - -1059. A student of St. John's College, who was remarkable for his larks -and eccentricities, during the time he was dining in hall, called to a -_bon vivant_, at another table, to say, that he had got a fine fox in -his rooms, for him. This being overheard by the marker, who was a kind -of mongrel fetch-and-carry to a certain dean, and who understood the -student in a literal sense, he informed the dean of the circumstance. -The student was very soon summoned before the master and seniors, for -what he knew not; however, on entering, he was informed, they had -learned he kept a fox in his rooms, a thing not to be tolerated by the -college. It is very true, replied the accused; I have a bust of Charles -James Fox, at your service. - - -1060. When the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a -prescription for him. The next day, the doctor coming to see his -patient, inquired if he had followed his prescription? No, truly, -doctor, replied Nash, if I had I should have broken my neck, for I threw -it out of a two pair of stairs window. - - -1061. The son of a fond father, when going to war, promised to bring -home the head of one of the enemy. His parent replied, I should be glad -to see you come home without a head, provided you come safe. - - -1062. Dr. Cheyne, of Bath, and a Mr. Santly, were deemed the two fattest -men in Somersetshire. When they were once sitting together after dinner, -Cheyne asked the other what made him look so melancholy? Faith, replied -he, I was thinking how it will be possible for the people to get either -you or me to the grave after we die. Why, as to me, replied Cheyne, six -or eight stout fellows will do the business, but you must be taken at -twice. - - -1063. A spark being brought before a magistrate, on a charge of -horse-stealing, the justice, the moment he saw him, exclaimed, I see a -villain in your countenance. It is the first time, said the prisoner, -very coolly, that I knew my countenance was a looking-glass. - - -1064. A jockey lord met his old college tutor at a great horse fair. Ah! -doctor, exclaimed his lordship, what brings you here, among these high -bred cattle? Do you think you can distinguish a horse from an ass? My -lord, replied the tutor, I soon perceived you among these horses. - - -1065. A French officer was speaking at a table-d'hote of his first -impressions on seeing English soldiers, and attempted to ridicule them, -by saying, that they had faces as round as Cheshire cheeses. An English -officer replied, Monsieur, you are very polite; and allow me to say, -that if your soldiers had shown us a little more of their faces, and -less of their backs, I should be very happy to return you the -compliment. - - -1066. The late Right Hon. Charles James Fox, in the course of a speech -he made in the House of Commons, when enlarging on the influence -exercised by government over the members, observed, that it was -generally understood that the minister employed a person as manager of -the House of Commons; here there was a general cry of Name him! name -him! No, said Mr. Fox, I don't choose to name him, though I might do it -as easy as say Jack Robinson. This was really his name. - - -1067. A traveller relating some of his adventures, told the company, -that he and his servant made fifty wild Arabians run; which exciting -surprise, he observed there was no such great matter in it; for, said -he, we ran, and they ran after us. - - -1068. A certain young clergyman, modest almost to bashfulness, was once -asked by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and -crowded assembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the -attention of the whole company, How it happened that the patriarchs -lived to such extreme old age? To which question he immediately replied, -Perhaps they took no physic. - - -1069. Two English gentlemen, some time ago, visited the field of -Bannockburn, so celebrated for the total defeat of the English army, by -Robert Bruce, with an army of Scottish heroes, not one fourth their -number. A sensible countryman pointed out the positions of both armies, -the stone where the Bruce's standard was fixed during the battle, &c. -Highly satisfied with his attention, the gentleman, on leaving him, -pressed his acceptance of a crown-piece. Na, na, said the honest man, -returning the money, keep your crown-piece; the English hae paid dear -enough already for seeing the field of Bannockburn. - - -1070. Soon after Dr. Johnson's return from Scotland to London, a -Scottish lady, at whose house he was, as a compliment, ordered some -hotch-potch for his dinner. After the doctor had tasted it, she asked -him if it was good? To which he replied, Very good for hogs! Then, pray, -said the lady, let me help you to a little more. - - -1071. A noble lord a short time ago applied to a pawn-broker to lend him -1000 guineas on his wife's jewels, for which he had paid 4000. Take the -articles to pieces, said his lordship, number the stones, and put false -ones in their place, my lady will not distinguish them. You are too -late, my lord, said the pawnbroker; your lady has stolen a march upon -you; these stones are false, I bought the diamonds of her ladyship a -twelvemonth ago. - - -1072. A common councilman's lady paying her daughter a visit at school, -and inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the -schoolmistress answered, Pretty good, madam, miss is very attentive: if -she wants anything it is a capacity; but for that deficiency, you know -we must not blame her. No, madam, replied the mother; but I blame you -for not having mentioned it before. Her father, thank goodness, can -afford his daughter anything, and I desire that a capacity may be bought -immediately, cost what it may. - - -1073. A tanner near Swaff'ham, in Norfolk, invited the supervisor to -dine with him, and after pushing the bottle about briskly, the -supervisor took his leave; but, in passing through the tan yard, he -unfortunately fell into a pit, and called lustily to the tanner to get -him out. Can't, said the tanner; if I draw any hides without giving -twelve hours notice, I shall be exchequered and ruined; but I'll go and -inform the excise. - - -1074. As Mr. Reynell, a man of some fortune in the neighbourhood of -Edinburgh, was one day taking his ride, and being, according to his own -idea, a person of no small consequence, he thought proper to show it by -riding on the foot-path. Meeting a plain farmer-looking man, he ordered -him imperiously to get out of his way. Sir, said the other, I don't -understand this: I am upon the footpath, where I certainly have a right -to walk. Do you know, sir, said Mr. Reynell, to whom you speak? I do -not, indeed. Sir, I am Mr. Reynell, of Edinburgh. Well, sir, but that -certainly does not entitle you to ride on the footpath, and to drive a -humble pedestrian off it. Why, sir, I am a trustee of this road. If you -are, you are a very bad one. You are a very impudent fellow--who are -you, sir? I am John, Duke of Montague. It is almost unnecessary to add -that the haughty laird, after a very awkward apology, sneaked into the -main road. - - -1075. Lord Norbury was asking the reason of the delay that happened in a -cause, and he was answered, it was because Mr. Serjeant Joy, who was to -lead, was absent, but Mr. Hope, the solicitor, had said that he would -return immediately; when his lordship humorously repeated the well-known -lines-- - - Hope told a flattering tale, - That Joy would soon return. - - -1076. An Irish officer in Minorca was found by a gentleman who came to -visit him in a morning a little ruffled, and being asked the reason, he -replied he had lost a pair of fine black silk stockings out of his room, -that cost eighteen shillings; but he hoped he should get them again, for -he had ordered them to be cried, with a reward of half-a-crown to the -person who brought them. His friend observing that this was too poor a -recompense for such a pair of silk stockings: Pooh, man, replied he, I -directed the crier to say they were worsted. - - -1077. A young man having asked an Hibernian who was looked up to as a -scholar, what was meant by the posthumous works of such a writer? Why, -said the other, posthumous works are those books which a man writes -after he is dead. - - -1078. As you do not belong to my parish, said a clergyman to a begging -sailor, with a wooden leg, you cannot expect that I should relieve you. -Sir, said the sailor, with a noble air, I lost my leg fighting for all -parishes. - - -1079. Henry IV. of France, passing through a small town, perceived the -inhabitants assembled to congratulate him on his arrival. Just as the -principal magistrate had commenced a tedious oration, an ass began to -bray; on which the king, turning towards the place where the noisy -animal was, said gravely, Gentlemen, one at a time, if you please. - - -1080. Henry IV. to an excellent wit, added most amiable manners, and a -most captivating address. On General Armand de Biron coming into his -presence, when he was surrounded by some foreign ambassadors, the king -immediately took Biron by the hand, and said, Gentlemen, this is Marshal -Biron, whom I present with equal pleasure and confidence to my friends -as well as my enemies. - - -1081. The benevolent Dr. Wilson once discovered a clergyman at Bath, who -he was informed was sick, poor, and had a numerous family. In the -evening, he gave a friend fifty pounds, requesting he would deliver it -in the most delicate manner, and as from an unknown person. The friend -replied, I will wait upon him early in the morning. You will oblige me -by calling directly. Think, sir, of what importance a good night's rest -may be to that poor man. - - -1082. In a lawsuit respecting boundaries, the counsel on both sides -explained their claims on a plan--My lord, said one, we lie on this -side: and the other said, My lord, we lie on this side. Nay, said the -judge, if you lie on both sides, I can believe neither of you. - - -1083. The celebrated Henry, Earl of Worcester, once observing the enemy -leaving the field, turned round and said, I love to see my own danger, -especially when it is marching off. - - -1084. The earl once calling for a glass of claret, was told by his -physician, that claret was bad for the gout. What, my old friend claret! -nay, give it me in spite of all physicians and their advice; it shall -never be said that I forsook my friend for my enemy. - - -1085. One was telling the earl, how strangely he had escaped a shot, by -the bar of a window. A musket bullet had hit full against the edge of an -iron bar of a chamber-window, so that the bullet was split in two, one -half flying by on one side and the other on the other. The earl hearing -this, asked in what room it was, and was answered, in the cross-barred -room; upon which he answered, You will now believe me, how safe it is to -stand before the cross, when you face your enemy. - - -1086. Charles II. hearing a high character of a preacher in the country, -attended one of his sermons. Expressing his dissatisfaction, one of the -courtiers replied, that the preacher was applauded to the skies by the -congregation. Ay! observed the king, I suppose his nonsense suits their -nonsense. - - -1087. Some one once asked Bruce what musical instruments were used in -Abyssinia. Bruce hesitated, not being prepared for the question; and at -last said, I think I saw one lyre there. George Selwyn whispered the man -sitting next him, Yes, and there is one less since he left the country. - - -1088. The attachment of some ladies to their lap-dogs amounts, in some -instances, to infatuation. I have heard of a lap-dog biting a piece out -of a male visitor's leg: his mistress thus expressed her compassion, -Poor dear little creature, I hope it will not make him sick. - - -1089. A Frenchman, a farmer of the duty upon salt, (farmed in France, as -post horses are in England,) had built a most magnificent villa; -displaying it to his friends, it was observed that a statue was wanting -for a large niche in the vestibule. I mean to put there, said the owner, -some allegorical statue relating to my business. You may put then Lot's -wife, who was changed to a statue of salt, answered one of his friends. - - -1090. A master of a ship called down into the hold, Who is there? Will, -sir, was the answer. What are you doing? Nothing, sir. Is Tom there? -Yes, answered Tom. What are you doing? Helping Will, sir. - - -1091. Two gentlemen coming into a tavern, one of them called for a -bottle of claret: Why, do you love claret? said the other; for my part, -I'll see it burnt before I drink a drop. - - -1092. One whose name was Pippin, being dressed in a green suit, chanced -to meet his friend, who, at his first salute, told him, It was a rare -thing to see a green Pippin on Christmas day. - - -1093. A certain gentleman was mightily taken with a lady of the name of -Wall, who was in the habit of painting a good deal. His friends tried to -persuade him from going near her, saying, they wondered at a man of his -taste setting his affections on a Painted Wall. - - -1094. Musicians ought to be compared to chameleons. Why? Because they -live on airs. - - -1095. One said a good client was like a study gown, sits himself in the -cold, and keeps his lawyer warm. - - -1096. A fellow whose name was Hog was convicted of felony before Lord -Bacon, then judge of assize; he used several unimportant arguments with -his lordship before sentence was pronounced, and, none prevailing, he -told him he was near of kin to him. How, to me? said the judge. Yes, -answered the fellow, for your name is Bacon, and mine is Hog. Oh! then, -replied his lordship, you will never be good Bacon till you are hanged. - - -1097. One being at supper at a friend's house, (it chanced that there -was mutton and capers for supper,) fell into a discourse upon dancing, -saying, that he loved it better than any other kind of recreation. By -and bye, taking notice of the capers, which he had never seen before, -took one upon his trencher, cut it in the middle, and put the half of it -in his mouth. The master of the house observing it, said, Sir, it seems -you do love dancing well, when you cannot forbear cutting a caper at -supper. - - -1098. Scriveners must be hard-hearted men, said Lord Adolphus F. Why? -Since they never rejoice more than when they put other men in bonds. - - -1099. An ignorant drunken surgeon, that had killed most of his patients, -boasted himself a better man than the parson; For, said he, your cures -maintain but yourself, but my cures maintain all the sextons in the -town. - - -1100. One threatened to break another's head with a stone. Don't try, -said Lord Alvanley, you will hurt the stone. - - -1101. A patient man being domineered over by his wife, who was always -ill-treating him, desired her to tear his band, for he would gladly wear -it without cuffs. - - -1102. One said to his friend that had been speaking, I love to hear a -man talk nonsense. The other answered, I know you love to hear yourself -talk as well as any man. - - -1103. One asked the reason why lawyers' clerks wrote such wide lines. -Another answered, it was done to keep the peace; for if the plaintiff -should be in one line and the defendant in the next, the lines being too -near together, they might fall together by the ears. - - -1104. One hearing a usurer say he had been on the Peak of Teneriffe, -asked him why he had not stayed there, for he was persuaded he would -never get so near heaven again. - - -1105. One having drunk a cup of very flat beer, declared that the beer -was more than foxed. Upon being asked his reason, he declared, it was -dead drunk. - - -1106. One saw a man and his wife fighting; the people asked him, why he -did not part them. He answered, That he was too well bred to part man -and wife. - - -1107. One seeing another wear a threadbare cloak, asked him, whether his -cloak was not sleepy? Why do you ask? said his friend. Because, I am -sure it has not had a nap this seven years. - - -1108. A lawsuit being referred to a gentleman, the plaintiff, who had -the equity of the cause on his side, presented him with a new carriage, -the defendant with a couple of horses. The arbitrator liking the horses -better than the coach, gave sentence on the defendant's side. The -plaintiff called on him, and asked how it came to pass the coach went -out of the right way? He answered, He could not help it, the horses had -drawn it so. - - -1109. A saucy fellow named Jack, abusing a gentleman whose name was -Fisher, the gentleman struck him, for which, being reproved and -threatened with an action, he said, Is it not lawful for a Fisher to -strike a Jack? - - -1110. A person had a picture of the Seven Senses stolen out of his -house: whereupon he came to a justice and desired that the thieves might -be bound to the peace: For what? For stealing my senses. I thought so, -said the justice, you talk so idly. - - -1111. A woman was commending a boy's face: Give me a man's, quoth -another, a boy's is not worth a hair. - - -1112. A gentleman whose name was Stone, falling off his horse, in -crossing a river, into deep water, out of which he got not without some -danger: his companions laughed at his mischance, and being reproved, -answered, That there was no man but would laugh to see a Stone swim. - - -1113. One being about to write the superscription of a letter to his -mistress, asked a scholar what terms were best to give her,--who told -him, "the Venus, lass of his affections," was good; he mistaking, wrote, -To the Venice-glass of his affections. - - -1114. A drunken fellow returning home towards evening, found his wife -hard at her spinning; she, reproving him for his ill husbandry, and -commending herself for her good housewifery, he told her that she had no -great cause to chide, for as she had been spinning at home, he had been -reeling abroad. - - -1115. One that was skilled in writing short-hand promised a lawyer's -clerk to teach him his skill, who thanked him, and said they could not -live by making short-hand of anything. - - -1116. A company of gentlemen in a tavern, amongst the rest, one whose -name was Bramble, quarrelled and fell to blows; one of these got his -face cut by the said Bramble; upon going home, and being asked the cause -of his face bleeding so, No great harm, replied he, only a Bramble by -chance scratched me. - - -1117. A rude overbearing young man was placed by his friends with a -proctor, who observing the misbehaviour of the youth, told his parents -he feared their son would never make a civil lawyer. - - -1118. One having a play-book called The Wits, which he valued much, by -chance lost it; but while he was chafing and swearing about the loss of -his book, in came one of his friends, who asking the cause of his -disquiet, was answered, That he had lost his wits. - - -1119. One wondered why there were so many pickpockets about the streets, -notwithstanding a watch was at every corner. It was answered, that was -all one, a pickpocket would as gladly meet a watch as anything else. - - -1120. During the siege of a castle, when the besieged were hard pressed, -a lady, one of the defenders, was remarking, that the colours that hung -upon one of the towers, were one of her bed-curtains. To which a person -replied, Madam, I wish you would set up the little boy, (who stands up -over the curtain,) on the top of that tower, that we might see whether -he would drive away all those men with his bow and arrows. To which the -lady replied, Cupid never raises a siege. - - -1121. A great eater was once boasting that he was a great wit, saying, -The world knew him to be "all wit:" one standing by, that knew him very -well, said, Is it possible that you are taken for a wit! if so, your -anagram is wit-all. - - -1122. Two being in a tavern together, one swore the other should pledge -him, Why then, quoth the other, I will;--and presently went down stairs -and left him for the reckoning. - - -1123. A drunken fellow passing by a shop asked a 'prentice boy, What -their sign was? He answered, it was a sign he was drunk. - - -1124. It was said by one, a barber had need be honest and trusty, -because, whoever employed him, though it was but for a hair matter, put -his life into his hands. - - -1125. It has been said, that a tooth-drawer was an unconscionable trade, -because his business was nothing else but to take away those things -whereby every man gets his living. - - -1126. Of all knaves, there is the greatest hope for a cobbler, for be he -ever so idle, yet when he does anything, he is always mending. - - -1127. It being demanded of a wild young man, why he wished to sell his -lands? He answered, because he hoped to go to heaven, which he could not -possibly do till he forsook the earth. - - -1128. A merry fellow said, The ale-house was the only place to thrive -in, for he had known many a score made there. - - -1129. A rich stationer wished himself a scholar, to whom one answered, -That he was one already, being _doctus in libris_. Nay, said the -stationer, I am but _dives in libris_--(meaning rich in pounds.) - - -1130. Before Derrick was master of the ceremonies at Bath, he went to -Cambridge on a visit; his friends made him so welcome, that, owing to -hard drinking, he could never rise till dinner-time; being one day asked -how he liked the place? he replied, Very well, but that there was no -forenoon at it. - - -1131. A lady having a dispute with Mr. Derrick, told him by way of joke, -that if he did not give up the argument, she would put him in her -patch-box. Madam, said he, you are at full liberty to do so; and should -you condescend to use me as a patch, I beg you will stick me upon your -lips. - - -1132. Mr. Derrick being one morning at a coffee-house at Bath, was much -disturbed by a very noisy man who sat at a small distance from him, upon -which he inquired who the spark was; they told him he was one of those -gentry who are called Rooks. A Rook, sir, replied Derrick, zounds, 'tis -impossible--by his chattering, I am sure he is a magpie. - - -1133. A gentleman who had had several wives, paid his addresses to a -widow lady at Bath; and it being remarked that he was a great duellist, -Derrick replied, the match would be more apropos, for the lady has -killed her man. - - -1134. Two gentlemen going very hungry into the White Lion at Bath, -ordered a couple of chickens to be roasted for supper, which were -brought upon table just as Mr. Derrick came in to speak to one of them -upon business. They went out together, and while they were absent, the -remaining person fairly ate up all the supper. When they returned, the -other gentleman was astonished, and asked Mr. Derrick what he thought of -his companion? Why, I think, said Derrick, that he is a very fowl -feeder. - - -1135. A man being brought before a magistrate, when Mr. Derrick was -present, for defamation, in calling his neighbour a scavenger. Pray, -sir, (said Derrick to the justice,) attend seriously to this charge, for -to me it appears that there is some very dirty work going forward. - - -1136. A gentleman having written an epitaph on a deceased friend, showed -it to Mr. Derrick for his opinion: Sir, said he, I never read anything -better suited to the mournful occasion--they are the saddest verses that -ever were penned. - - -1137. A lady of fashion and beauty inveighing against smugglers, Mr. -Derrick interrupted her: Hold, madam, be not too severe; I believe it -will be found that the blackness of your crimes far exceeds theirs: the -people you are railing against, smuggle only a few common goods, for -which, they run the risk of losing their lives; but you, without any -danger to yourself, absolutely have smuggled the affections of every -person in Bath. - - -1138. Mr. Derrick being in a company, among whom there was a gentleman -remarkable for a rude kind of satirical wit, and who, having levelled -his jeers at almost all present, chiefly by mimicking their voices, -gestures, or taking them off, as it is commonly called, Mr. Derrick, -expecting it would presently come to his turn, got up, and was going -away. When being asked the reason of his leaving the company so soon, he -replied, In order to save the gentleman the trouble of taking me off, I -think it best to take myself off. - - -1139. At a private masquerade, Derrick appeared in the character of a -cook, and being met by Lord ----, was desired to dress a couple of pork -chops. Sir, replied Derrick, as you are the only hog in company, I must -then beg leave to cut them from your carcase. - - -1140. Mr. Derrick going through the Strand one evening, detected a boy -picking his pocket, and seizing him, had determined to have him -committed, when the boy begged heartily for mercy, For indeed, sir, said -he, it is my first offence; here's your own handkerchief again, and take -any of these five you like best. - - -1141. A lady of distinction meeting Derrick in the long room, told him -his old friend Lady ---- was just delivered. Of a boy or girl? said -Derrick. Neither, replied the lady--of a husband, you donkey, and he is -to be buried to-morrow. - - -1142. Mr. Derrick being on a visit at a gentleman's house at Bath, a -young lady to entertain the company, obliged them with a tune on the -harpsichord: while she was playing, a female friend of Mr. Derrick's -asked him, Who was the Goddess of Music? Venus, said he. Pooh, replied -she, you banter. No, upon honour, returned Derrick; if you doubt, appeal -to her--for there she sits. - - -1143. One of those troublesome gentry called meal hunters, one day -invited himself to dine with Derrick; the dinner consisted of some fish -and a fine piece of roast beef; the gentleman helped himself about -half-a-dozen times, and approved highly of Mr. Derrick's taste, in -preferring the roast beef of old England to those flimsy kickshaws so -much in fashion, adding, Here's cut and come again. Sir, said Derrick, -you may cut, but you never come again. - - -1144. A talkative gentleman boasting that he had been instructed in the -art of speaking by the celebrated Quin. Sir, said Derrick, this company -would have thought themselves more highly obliged to that gentleman, had -he taught you the art of holding your tongue. - - -1145. A gentleman bragging that he was promised the lease of the next -house that fell in, Sir, said Derrick, had it been my case, I should -rather have desired the lease of the next house that stood. - - -1146. Derrick one day condoling with an Irish gentleman whose father had -lately died. Well, well, said Paddy, it does not signify grieving, for -it is what we must all come to, if we do but live long enough. - - -1147. It being disputed, while Lady ----, who had a remarkable red face, -was present in the long room, when there would be an eclipse of the sun. -It will be, said Derrick, let me see--ay, it will be, whenever Lady ---- -shall hide her beauties under a veil. - - -1148. There was some years ago, a society in the metropolis, called the -Court of Humour, the members of which met once a week for the purpose of -trying causes. To this meeting, Derrick was invited; and when the lord -judge, in summing up the evidence in one of the trials, pronounced, with -great gravity, "I must here desire to pause"--My lord, with submission, -give me leave to fill up your paws; and immediately presented his -lordship with a large tumbler of negus. - - -1149. Derrick once went to see the tragedy of Richard the Third -performed by a country company; the person who played Richard was as -wretched a performer as ever disgraced the buskin; and when he came to -the scene where he says to Buckingham, "Bring the mayor and aldermen to -see me here." If they see you once, said Derrick, they will never come -again. - - -1150. The late Dr. Stukely says, that one day, by appointment, visiting -Sir Isaac Newton, the servant told him he was in his study. No one was -permitted to disturb him there, but as it was near dinner-time, the -visitor sat down to wait for him. After a time, dinner was brought in--a -boiled chicken under a cover. An hour passed, and Sir Isaac did not -appear. The doctor ate the fowl, and covering up the empty dish, bid -them dress their master another. Before that was ready, the great man -came down; apologized for his delay, and added, Give me but leave to -take my short dinner, and I shall be at your service; I am fatigued and -faint. Saying this, he lifted up the cover, and without any emotion, -turned about to Stukely with a smile: See, said he, what we studious -people are: I forgot I had dined. - - -1151. Leveridge, the actor, in giving out the play, made a small -mistake, and instead of saying on Monday next will be performed, he -addressed the audience with--Ladies and gentlemen, to-morrow will be -performed--To-morrow? said a buck from the pit, why to-morrow is Sunday! -I know it, my good friend, replied Leveridge;--to-morrow there will be a -charity sermon preached at St. Paul's, Covent Garden, and, on Monday, at -this theatre, will be presented the Recruiting Officer, with a farce -called Wit at a Pinch. This turned the laugh of the audience, and he -went off with an unusual plaudit. - - -1152. Derrick one day sent his footboy with a message to a gentleman -whose name was Mr. Hodges Podger. The boy went to the street, as -directed, but not being able, at once, to find the house, he knocked at -another person's door, and mistaking the name, asked if Mr. Hodge-podge -was at home. Hodge-podge! said the servant maid, why, you little puppy, -does this house look like a cookshop? - - -1153. Some ladies in the long room at Bath observing that Mr. Derrick -was exceedingly gay, a smart fellow thought to exercise his wit, by -asking him who was his tailor? Oh, sir, replied Derrick, he won't do for -you, he deals only for ready money. - - -1154. A conceited fellow presented King James with a manuscript, who, -finding it exceeding bad, returned it, and bade him put it into rhyme. -The fellow set to work, despatched it, and presented it anew to his -Majesty, who, laughing, said, It was better now he had put into rhyme, -"for, by my soul, man, afore 'twas neither rhyme nor reason." - - -1155. What herb is it that cures all diseases? Thyme [time] to be sure. - - -1156. An upholder was chiding his apprentice because he was not notable -enough at his work, and had not his nails and hammer in readiness when -he should use them, telling him, when he was an apprentice he was taught -to have his nails at his fingers' ends. - - -1157. One hearing a great noise, sent his servant to know what was the -matter, who brought him back word, One had taken a cup too much--meaning -that he had stolen a silver tankard. - - -1158. A fortune-hunter at Bath, telling Mr. Derrick that he had got an -excellent phaeton on the new plan, Derrick answered, I am rather of -opinion you got it on the old plan, for I suppose you never mean to pay -for it. - - -1159. An impudent fellow met an unfortunate person who was blessed with -a very red nose, and who also squinted; making a stop and looking at him -hard, the gentleman asked the reason of his gazing at him, Truly (was -the rude answer) if your eyes were matches, your nose would undoubtedly -set them on fire. - - -1160. An attorney riding into the country, was asked what news he -brought, and answered, Nothing, but that Marriot (a great eater) was -reported to have lost his appetite; to which another answered, Pray God -a poor man meets not with it, for if he does it will utterly undo him. - - -1161. One Brown, of Oxford, ringing in one of the belfrys of the said -city, the clapper of the bell he was ringing fell upon his head, and -almost killed him; an arch young student seeing his mischance, and -conceiving the wound incurable, wrote over against the place where the -accident happened, these verses: - - Here lies John Brown, the University capper, - That lived by the bell, and died by the clapper. - -But Brown recovering, and seeing these verses, wrote underneath-- - - John Brown's alive, and lives in hope - To live by the bell, when thou diest by the rope. - - -1162. A gentleman bought some articles upon trust at a shop, promising -the master that he would owe him so much money for them; the tradesman -was therewith contented, but finding that the gentleman delayed the -payment, he demanded his money. The gentleman told him he had not -promised to pay him; he had, indeed, promised to owe him so much money, -and he would in no way break from his word, which, if he paid him, he -must do. - - -1163. One asked why B stood before C? Because, said another, a man must -B, before he can C. - - -1164. How long is the longest letter in the English alphabet, said -D'Orsay to Alvanley the other day? An L long to be sure, was the answer. - - -1165. One said, physicians had the best of it, because they lived by -other men's pains--meaning the griefs and diseases of their patients. - - -1166. One was saying, he wondered why the people in Ethiopia did not -write straight along as the northern people do; he was answered, it was -no wonder, for they write under the line, and that is the reason. - - -1167. The Lord Cecil (who was rather crooked) having gone to much -expense in building a superb house, an ingenious architect viewing it -room after room, said, there was one great fault committed, which could -not be amended. He was desired to explain himself. Why, there is not one -room in this house in which his lordship can stand upright. - - -1168. A gentleman being entreated to stand godfather to one of his -tenant's children, granted the request, having no children of his own. -The child, growing up, he was sent to visit his godfather, in the hopes -he would do something for him. Upon his arrival his godfather asked him -how his father and mother did? Very well in health, replied the child, -but my father has so many children, he can hardly provide bread for us. -Child, was the answer, God never sends mouths but he sends meat. It may -be so, godfather, answered the child, but I think God has sent the -mouths to our house, and the meat to you. This witty answer so pleased -the old gentleman, that he took the child and brought him up as his own. - - -1169. Glovers get their living by cutting purses, and yet are never -punished for it. - - -1170. King James removing once from Whitehall to Greenwich house, to -take his pleasure, the constables were commanded to guard several -passages, to hinder the concourse of people flocking thither: amongst -many gentlemen stopped was one rather meanly dressed, who was asked to -what lord he belonged? To the Lord Jehovah, he readily answered. The -wise constable not catching the meaning, asked his companions if they -knew any such lord. To which they replied, There is none such belonging -to the court. The constable, unwilling to give offence, replied, Well, I -believe it is some Scotch lord or other, so let him pass. - - -1171. A person holding an argument with a grocer concerning matters of -trade, the grocer's wife bid him give over arguing, for she was sure her -husband could show a thousand reasons [raisins] to his one. - - -1172. One said painters were cunning fellows, for they had a colour for -everything they did. - - -1173. Mr. Derrick being asked his opinion of a young rake at Bath, who -went under the denomination of a knowing one, said, he did not pretend -to any great skill in physiognomy, but he believed he could venture to -pronounce that the young gentleman would one day be fixed in a very -exalted station. - - -1174. At a general hunting in Cornwall, which is still observed twice a -year, when also there is great wrestling and cudgel playing, a clergyman -happened to be among the multitude, and for reproving a fellow for -swearing, got his head cut by a stone flung at him by the man, which -some that stood by seeing, said, Come, sir, we'll go along with you to a -justice. No, said the minister, truly I think there is much more need to -go with me to a surgeon. - - -1175. A gentleman of good estate, who, it seems, hated tobacco, and -hearing that his eldest son did take it, though not in his presence, he -told him, if he knew that he took tobacco he would disinherit him. -Truly, father, said he, they that told you so were mistaken; for before -I will take any tobacco I'll see it all on fire. Sayest thou so, my boy! -cried the old gentleman, I'll give thee five hundred a year the more for -that. - - -1176. A crafty fellow being extremely in debt, and being threatened by -his creditors that they would have him if he was above ground, got -himself into a cellar, and there lay with the tapster, and being -reproved for so doing, he said there was no fear of his being caught -there, because he was under ground, and they dared not break their -oaths, as they swore they would have him if above ground. - - -1177. The French ambassador being at dinner with King James, the king, -in mirth, drank a health to him, saying, "The King of France drinks a -health to the French King." Upon which, the French ambassador suddenly -replied, The king, my master, is a good lieutenant, for he holds France -well for you. No, said the king, he holds it from me. Truly, sir, -replied the ambassador, it is no further from you than it was. - - -1178. A humorous country knight gave his man that waited on him this -charge: that he should never say anything to him but what he asked him; -a little after he invited two gentlemen to his child's christening; his -man accordingly went to them and acquainted them with it; they bid him -thank his master, but to let him know they were pre-engaged, and could -not come that day; the knight waited an hour later than ordinary for -their coming, but seeing they came not, he asked his man if he had -spoken to them? Yes, replied he, but they said they could not come. You -rogue, why did you not tell me so before? Why, truly, sir, said he, you -did not ask me. - - -1179. One speaking of the burning of the streets of London, at the great -fire, said Cannon Street roared, Wood Street was burnt to ashes, Bread -Street was burnt to a coal, Ironmonger Lane became red hot, Snow Hill -was melted down, Shoe Lane was burnt to boot, Creed Lane would not -believe it till it came, and Pudding Lane and Pye Corner were -over-baked. - - -1180. A cobbler, sitting in his stall, offended a gentleman who was -passing by: Sirrah, said the gentleman, you are a rascal, and if you -come out I will give you a kick. Thank you, said the cobbler, if you -would give me two I would not come out. - - -1181. A schoolmaster was always dictating to his scholars that H was no -letter; soon after, he called out to one of the boys, and bid him heat -the caudle; and when he asked for it, the scholar told him he had done -with the caudle as he bid him. What's that? said the master, Why, sir, -replied the boy, I did eat it. Sirrah, said he, I bid you heat it, with -an _h_. Yes, sir, I did eat it with bread, as there is no _h_. - - -1182. Pride and Hewson, two Oliverian colonels, the first a drayman and -the other a cobbler, being met together, began joking one with the -other. Pride told Hewson, he saw a piece of cobbler's wax sticking upon -his scarlet cloak. Poh, said Hewson, a handful of brewer's grains will -scour it off presently. - - -1183. Some gentlemen were sitting in a coffee-house together, one was -asking what news there was? The other told him, There were forty -thousand men rose that day,--which made them all stare, and ask him to -what end they rose, and what they intended? Why faith, said he, only to -go to bed at night again. - - -1184. In the time of the Rump, two Rump parliament men being in a boat, -said one of them, You watermen are hypocrites; for you row one way and -look another. O sir, said one of the watermen, we have not plyed so long -at Westminster, but we have learned something of our masters, that is, -to pretend one thing and act another. - - -1185. A person hiring a lodging, said to the landlady, I assure you, -madam, I am so much liked, that I never left a lodging but my landlady -shed tears. Perhaps, said she, you always go away without paying. - - -1186. An alehouse girl took it into her head to be catechised at church. -The parson asked her what was her name? La, sir, said she, how can you -pretend not to know my name, when you come to our house so often, and -cry, ten times in an evening, Nan, you slut, bring us another pot! - - -1187. Smiths, of all the handicraft men, are the most irregular; for -they never think themselves better employed, than when they are at their -vices. - - -1188. A child of one of the crew of his majesty's ship Peacock, during -the action with the United States vessel, Hornet, amused himself with -chasing a goat between decks. Not in the least terrified by the -destruction and death all around him, he persisted, till a cannon-ball -came and took off both the hind legs of the goat, when seeing her -disabled, he jumped astride, crying, Now I've caught you. - - -1189. Charles the Second asked Bishop Stillingfleet how it happened that -he preached in general without book, but always read the sermons which -he delivered before the court. The bishop answered, that the awe of -seeing before him so great and wise a prince, made him afraid to trust -himself. But will your majesty, continued he, permit me to ask you a -question in my turn? Why do you read your speeches in parliament? Why, -doctor, replied the king, I'll tell you very candidly. I have asked them -so often for money, that I am ashamed to look them in the face! - - -1190. The late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek -out for a new laundress, a decent looking woman was recommended for the -situation. But, said the housekeeper, I am afraid she will not suit your -royal highness; as she is a soldier's wife, and these people are -generally loose characters. What is it you say? said the duke, who had -just entered the room--a soldier's wife! Pray, madam, what is your -mistress? I desire, that the woman may be immediately engaged. - - -1191. A man that had been terribly troubled with lawsuits, went one day -to Tyburn to see an execution, and then swore 'twas better to have to do -with Tyburn than Westminster Hall; for there, suits hang half a year, -but at Tyburn, half an hour's hanging ends all. - - -1192. Some men sitting drinking together, were praising the ale about -England, as Hull ale, Margate ale, Cheshire ale, and Lambeth ale. One -said there was in London to his knowledge the best in all England; and -yet, said another, there's as good ale in England, as in London. - - -1193. A notorious cunning thief, upon being taken up, applied for a -peace warrant against the justice,--as, he said, he stood in fear of his -life from him. - - -1194. A country gentleman asked a wise man, when he saw a fellow abuse -and sneer at him, Why he did not return it. Why truly, said he, I think -I should do very indiscreetly in so doing; for if an ass kicks you, do -you kick him again? - - -1195. A man, in a bitter cold night, was passing through the street, and -seeing all a-bed, and no candle in any window, bethought himself of this -project; up and down he went crying, Fire, fire, fire! which made -several come to their windows. They asked him where it was? he replied, -That was just what he wanted to know, for he was devilish cold. - - -1196. Some apprentices in London being about to act a play one -Christmas, when they were perfect, went to a grave citizen, and -requested him to lend them his clothes to act a play in. No, said he, -nobody shall play the fool in my clothes but myself. - - -1197. At a certain battle, a Spanish cardinal went in among the -soldiers, and advised them not to spare their lives, but to exert their -utmost courage, promising them a remission of all their sins, and that -those who died in battle should dine with the angels in Paradise; and -having thus reconciled them, he was about to retire from the field, -which one of the soldiers perceiving, said to him, And will you not stay -and dine with us in Paradise? To which the valiant cardinal replied, His -dinner hour was later. - - -1198. The bishop of the diocese in which Dornfront in Normandy is -situated, understanding that the curates within his diocese exacted too -much from their parishioners, made a table to regulate the fees for -baptism, marriages, and burials; but the curate of Dornfront would not -baptize under double the sum limited by the table; whereupon, complaint -being made to the bishop, he was summoned to appear before his diocesan, -and for his defence, he alleged, that he baptized all, but seldom buried -any, for that as soon as they came to be of age, they were generally -carried to Rouen to be hanged for false witnesses; so that by this -means, he was deprived of the fees for interment. But he would agree, -that if any were buried in the parish, he would undertake to do it for -nothing; and to prove his statement correct, he produced a list of two -hundred he had baptized, of which more than one hundred and eighty had -been hanged. The bishop, upon the aforesaid consideration, ordered the -poor curate to pay himself for the burials at the time of baptism. - - -1199. ---- was but of little stature, and dining one day at the royal -table, with two scholars, both large men, the king sent him a dish with -two large fishes and one small one, bidding him to divide them between -himself and the two scholars; upon which, ---- laid the two large fishes -in his own plate, and sent the small one to the two scholars. His -majesty laughing, said, Faith, you are no equal divider. That is your -majesty's mistake, said he, and pointing to himself and the two great -fishes, said, Here are two great and one little, and on the other side -are one little and two great. - - -1200. A Franciscan one day mounted on a showy horse, was met by a -burgess, who reminded him, that being of the order of St. Francis, he -was obliged by vow to follow him, but he went on foot, and you are on -horseback. Alas! replied the friar, you have reason to say I ought to -follow the holy founder of our order, but 'tis so long since he went -before, that it is impossible to overtake him on foot, and it will be -hard to do it on horseback, unless I spur along. - - -1201. Dominico, the harlequin, going to see Louis XIV. at supper, fixed -his eyes on a dish of partridges. The king, who was fond of his acting, -said, Give that dish to Dominico. And the partridges too, sire? Louis, -penetrating into the artfulness of the question, replied, And the -partridges too. The dish was gold. - - -1202. A fool being at church at vespers, and observing that as soon as -one of the priests began the office, all the rest fell a singing, -presently ran to him and gave him a sound cuff on the ear, saying, We -should have been quiet enough, if this brawling fellow had not begun to -cry first. - - -1203. Admiral Duncan's address to the officers who came on board his -ship for instructions, previous to the engagement with Admiral de -Winter, was both laconic and humorous--Gentlemen, you see a severe -Winter approaching; I have only to advise you to keep up a good fire. - - -1204. Johnson did not like to be over-fondled: when a certain gentleman -out-acted his part in this way, he is said to have demanded of him, What -provokes your risibility, sir? Have I said anything that you understand? -If I have, I ask pardon of the rest of the company. - - -1205. A lady meeting a girl who had lately left her service, inquired, -Well, Mary, where do you live now? Please, Ma'am, I don't live nowhere -now, rejoined the girl, I'm married! - - -1206. A tobacconist having set up his chariot, in order to anticipate -the jokes that might be passed on the occasion, displayed on it the -Latin motto of "_Quid rides_." Two sailors who had often used his shop, -seeing him pass by in his carriage, the one asked the meaning of the -inscription, when his companion said it was plain enough, repeating them -as two English words, Quid rides. - - -1207. Two gentlemen passing a blackberry-bush when the fruit was unripe, -one said it was ridiculous to call them black berries, when they were -red. Don't you know, said his friend, that blackberries are always red -when they are green! - - -1208. An Athenian, who wanted eloquence, but was very brave, when -another had, in a long and brilliant speech, promised great affairs, got -up, and said, Men of Athens, all that he has said, I will do. - - -1209. Louis XII. being at his castle of Plassey, near Tours, went one -evening into the kitchen, where he found a boy turning the spit. The lad -had something in his countenance which prepossessed the king in his -favour, and he demanded who he was. The boy, not knowing the king, -replied with simplicity, that his name was Stephen--that he came from -Berri--and that he gained as much as the king. How much gains the king? -demanded Louis, with some degree of astonishment. His expenses, said the -boy, and I gain mine. This answer so much pleased the monarch, that he -appointed him one of the valets-de-chambre. - - -1210. When Pope Clement XIV. (Ganganelli) ascended the papal chair, the -ambassadors of the different states waited on him with congratulations: -when they were introduced, they bowed, and he returned the compliment by -bowing likewise; the master of the ceremonies told his holiness he -should not have returned their salute. O, I beg your pardon, said the -pontiff, I have not been pope long enough to forget good manners. - - -1211. It was said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter of other -persons' tables, that he never opened his mouth but at somebody's -expense. - - -1212. A link-boy asked Dr. Burgess, the preacher, if he would have a -light? No, child, said the doctor, I am one of the lights of the world. -I wish then, replied the boy, you were hung up at the end of our alley, -for we live in a terrible dark one. - - -1213. Two very honest fellows, who dealt in brooms, meeting one day in -the street, one asked the other, how he could afford to under sell him -everywhere as he did, when he stole the stuff, and made the brooms -himself? Why, you silly dog, answered the other, I steal them ready -made. - - -1214. Two sporting men discoursing about a horse that had lost a race, -one of them, by way of apology, observed, That the cause of it was an -accident, his running against a waggon; to which the other, who affected -not to understand him, archly replied, Why, what else was he fit to run -against? - - -1215. A fellow stole Lord Chatham's large gouty shoes: his servant not -finding them, began to curse the thief. Never mind, said his lordship, -all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may fit him! - - -1216. Sir Isaac Newton, one evening in winter, feeling it extremely -cold, instinctively drew his chair very close to the grate, in which a -fire had been recently lighted. By degrees, the fire being burnt up, Sir -Isaac began to feel the heat intolerably intense, and rang his bell with -unusual violence. John was not at hand; he at last made his appearance, -by the time Sir Isaac was almost literally roasted. Remove the grate, -you lazy rascal! exclaimed Sir Isaac, in a tone of irritation very -uncommon with that amiable and placid philosopher; remove the grate, ere -I am burned to death? Please your honour, might you not rather draw back -your chair? said John, a little waggishly. Upon my word, said Sir Isaac, -smiling, I never thought of that. - - -1217. A judge, on passing sentence of death upon an Irishman, said as -usual, I have nothing now to do but to pass the dreadful sentence of the -law upon you. Oh, don't trouble yourself on my account, interrupted Pat. -I must do my duty, resumed the judge:--you must go from hence to the -place of execution, where you are to be hanged by your neck till you are -dead; and the Lord have mercy on your soul! I am much obliged to you, -said the prisoner, but I never heard of any one thriving after your -prayers. - - -1218. Triboulet, the fool of Francis the First, was threatened with -death by a man in power, of whom he had been speaking disrespectfully; -and he applied to the king for protection. Be satisfied, said the king; -if any man shall put you to death, I will order him to be hanged a -quarter of an hour after. Ah, Sir! replied Triboulet, I should be much -obliged, if your Majesty would order him to be hanged a quarter of an -hour before. - - -1219. An Irishman, having bought a sheep's head, had been to a friend -for a direction to dress it. As he was returning, repeating the method, -and holding his purchase under his arm, a dog snatched it, and ran away. -Now, my dear joy, said the Irishman, what a fool you make of yourself! -what use will it be to you, as you don't know how it is to be dressed? - - -1220. A penurious citizen, who used to feed his apprentices with nothing -but lights and livers, and such like trash, having appointed to meet one -of his men in the fields, the fellow came to him with a heavy clog upon -his neck; his master asking him his reason for so doing, he answered -him, That he had fed so long on lights, that he was forced to carry that -weight about him, lest the air should blow him away. - - -1221. Dryden's wife complained to him that he was always reading, and -took little notice of her: I wish, said she, that I was a book, and then -I should enjoy more of your company. Yes, my dear, replied Dryden, I -wish you were a book--but an almanack, I mean, for then I should change -you every year. - - -1222. Two gentlemen having wagered upon the number of characteristic -specimens of native brilliancy they should encounter in a rural -excursion, one of them thus addressed a stone-breaker on the road:--My -good fellow, were the devil to come now, which of us two would he carry -away? After a little hesitation, that savoured of unexpected dulness, -the man modestly lifting up his eyes from his work, answered, Me, sir. -Annoyed by the stolidity of this reply, the querist pressed him for a -reason: Because, your honour, he would be glad of the opportunity to -catch myself--he could have you at any time. - - -1223. A gentleman meeting another upon the high road, riding upon an -exceedingly lean horse, and with a great stick by his side, asked the -reason why he was so armed: he replied, That it was to defend his person -and keep off false knaves. But, sir, said he, in my mind you had better -have ridden with a gun. Why so? said the horseman. To keep away the -crows, who are waiting to prey upon the carrion you are riding upon. - - -1224. When Brummell retired to France, he was altogether ignorant of -French, and obtained a grammar for the purpose of study. Scrope Davies -being asked what progress he had made, replied, That Brummell had been -stopped like Bonaparte in Russia, by the elements. - - -1225. A thatcher being at work upon a cold Christmas Eve, and beating -his arms about his ribs to warm himself, a fellow passing by, observed -it, and said, You have but cold working there on the edge of the house. -'Tis very true, answered the old man, for I have wrought on a hundred -Christmas Eves, and if I said a hundred more, I think I should not be -wrong, and yet I vow I never felt such a cold one before. - - -1226. One going into Smithfield on a market-day, called to a -horse-courser aloud, and said, Prithee, friend, how go horses to-day? -Marry, as you see--some amble, some trot, some gallop. - - -1227. A pleasant fellow willing to put off a lame horse, rode him from -the Sun Tavern, Cripplegate, to the Sun in Holborn, and the next day -offered to sell him in Smithfield; a bidder asking why the horse looked -so lean? was answered, It was no marvel, as he rode him yesterday from -Sun to Sun, and never drew bit. - - -1228. One entering of a cold morning into a tavern with his friend, -called to the waiter to have a fire quickly made, who brought wet -faggots, which were long in kindling, making only a smothering smoke, -while the sap fired apace out of the faggots; which observing, he said, -I now perceive, and never knew before, from whence the river of Styx was -derived. - - -1229. One meeting a drunkard reeling in the street, bade him stand up -like a man; who answered him, That for his own part, he could stand well -enough, but he could not make his shoes stand. - - -1230. A country farmer's wife in the north, having a nice lad for her -son, about seven years old, bid him fetch home the kine from the field, -to be milked in the yard; there were six in number. The boy went as bid, -and drove home but five. Marry, said his mother, what's become of the -sixth? She is turned down that deep dirty lane where I could not come at -her, and I think she is going to the devil. To the devil! said the -mother; nay, then stay, Bob, thy father shall go, as he has boots on. - - -1231. There was a man whose nose leaned more towards one side than the -other; a friend disposed to have a laugh with him, said, I know what -your nose is not made of, and I know of what it is. First, I can assure -you, it is not made of wheat, and secondly, I will be fudged by all the -company, if it be not made a-rye. - - -1232. A traveller reported to be drowned, a friend of his being in -company, when the letters came that brought the first news of his death, -fetched a deep sigh, with these words, God rest his soul, for he has -gone the way of all flesh. Nay, said another then standing by, if he is -drowned, he has gone the way of all fish. - - -1233. One of the great stone letters fell from the top of Northampton -House and dashed out a scholar's brains. It happened not long after, -that a good honest fellow, who could neither read nor write, being in -company with three or four very ingenious gentlemen, upon a sudden broke -out into a deep melancholy, and said, Well, I thank God I can neither -read nor write. One of the others smiling, replied, You speak strangely, -for I and the rest here thank God we can do both. All's one for that, -said he, yet let myself and others be thankful we can do neither. They -asked his reason; he gave them this explanation, Because, said he, we -can walk the street with a security that you bookmen cannot. They -desired him to explain himself. Why, said he, if one letter falling from -the top of a house, had the power to knock out the brains of a scholar, -what safety should we live in, to be troubled with four and twenty -letters? Now, thank heaven, I have nothing to do with letters, and I -cannot see that letters have anything to do with me. - - -1234. Two country fellows meeting at an assizes in the country, one -asked the other, What news, and how many were condemned to suffer? The -other answered, This hath been the strangest session that ever was in my -time; I have not known the like, for there is no execution at all; and -is it not worth observation, that so many justices should sit on the -bench, and not one thought proper to be hanged? - - -1235. Miss Pope was one evening in the green-room, commenting on the -excellencies of Garrick, when, amongst other things, she said, he had -the most wonderful eye imaginable--an eye, to use a vulgar phrase, that -would penetrate through a deal board. Ay, cried Wewitzer, I now -understand what they call a gimlet eye. - - -1236. A worthy gentleman and good scholar had been a long time in -disgrace with Queen Elizabeth, the reason I know not, nor am willing to -examine; but a friend of his, who was in great favour at court, -persuaded the queen to give him an audience. The time came, and after -the customary introduction, the queen said, I understand you are a great -scholar; may I ask you one question? Anything, madam, said he, that I am -capable of resolving. Then pray you, how many vowels are there? Madam, -that is a question a schoolboy can resolve, but since you would be -answered by me, there are five. Five, said her majesty--well, of these -five, which can we best spare? Not any of them, madam, replied he, -without corrupting our natural dialect. Yes, replied the queen, I can -tell you, for of all these, we can (for our own part) best spare _u_ -[you]. - - -1237. One gentleman objecting to another, that he was the first of his -house, the other answered, That I am the first of my house, is so much -more to my honour--you are likely to be the last of yours. - - -1238. One thinking with barbarous Latin to confound a scholar, came and -saluted him in these words, _Ars tu fons_, art thou well? To whom the -scholar quickly, _Asinus fons asinus tu_, that is, as well as you. - - -1239. Two fellows purposing a journey, hired a horse betwixt them, to -ride by turns; the one laid down half the hire, and called upon his -partner for the other half, which he willingly paid; which being done, -said he, Mark the conditions between us, which are these--when I ride, -then you shall go on foot; and when you go on foot, then I shall ride; -that is the condition--will you stand to it? Yes, with all my heart, -said the other. So the first mounted and rode the whole journey, and -left the other to come on foot after him. - - -1240. A sleepy waiter, sitting asleep under the pulpit, the preacher -beating his desk so hard, that he being suddenly awakened, cried out in -a loud voice, Coming, sir, coming. - - -1241. Two gentlemen having quarrelled in a passage, one of them, wishing -to make his escape from the house, asked, How shall I get by you? Get by -me! replied the other, what did I ever get by you? - - -1242. I am going to write a work upon Popular Ignorance, said a young -man to a much older person: I know no one more competent, was the reply. - - -1243. Walpole once persuaded Mrs. Kerwood not to go home by water, -because it would be damp after the rain. - - -1244. Lord Hartington asked the Governor of Rome, what they had -determined about the vessel that the Spaniards had taken under the -cannon of Civita Vecchia, whether they had restored it to the English? -The governor said, They had done justice. His lordship replied, If you -had not, we should have done it ourselves. - - -1245. The late Duchess of Bolton resolved upon going to China, when -Whiston told her the world would be burnt in three years. - - -1246. A gentleman coming into a church, where was none of the best music -in the world, hearing them sing, "Have mercy upon us miserable sinners." -Ay, said he, they might very well have said, Have mercy upon us -miserable singers. - - -1247. A humorous schoolmaster, one morning as he was washing his hands, -called one of his higher boys to him, and said, Here boy, what is the -Latin for a ladder? The youth answered, _Scala_. Fye, fye, quoth the -schoolmaster, what an _asinego_ you are! prithee tell me, what is the -Latin for a lad? _Adolescens_, replied the boy. Very well, and cannot -you form the comparative degree of that? _Adolescentior_, said the boy. -Ay, ay, now thou hast done it like a scholar indeed. - - -1248. A country baker having occasion to call at the house of a certain -justice of the peace, as he was riding out through a great court, saw a -parcel of fat geese, and, catching up one, whipped it into his basket. -The justice by chance espying him from one of the windows, called after -him, saying, Bak-er, bak-er. To which the baker replied, I will, sir, I -will, sir, and rode away as fast as he could. Some days after, the -justice sent a warrant for him, and demanded of him how he dare carry -away his goose in that manner? To which he replied, I have done nothing -but what your worship commanded me, for your worship bid me bake-her, -and that I have done in a good pie, and drank your worship's health at -the eating of it. The justice, for the jest's sake, excused the baker. - - -1249. A Welchman having been to London, his friends, according to -custom, on his return, demanded of him what news? He answered, That he -knew little news; he had only observed one strange thing there, that -every little boy of five or six years old could speak English perfectly, -which he thought very strange; because, in his country, they learn to -speak it, as in England they learn to speak French. - - -1250. A ship being in a storm at sea, was in great danger; whereupon, -the captain commanded every man to throw into the sea his heaviest -things. A passenger, who had his wife, then offered to throw her -overboard; but the crew saved her, and asked him whether he was mad to -try and throw her overboard; who answered, She is the heaviest thing I -have, and I can best spare her. I assure you, she has long been a heavy -burthen to me; I pray, therefore, let me throw her over. - - -1251. A talking barber once asked a gentleman in what fashion he would -be trimmed, In silence, was the reply. - - -1252. It is related of a well-known magistrate of times past, that being -often deceived by false rumours of Queen Elizabeth's death, he protested -that he would never believe she was dead, until he saw it under her own -hand. - - -1253. A good fellow having tippled rather too liberally, and his head -being fuller of liquor than discretion, as he went along the streets, -happened in the dark to run against a post; and he, conceiving it to -have been some man that had affronted him, fell upon the post with his -fists, and of course soon beat off all the skin from his knuckles. One -coming by, demanded of him, what was the matter? Why, said he, I have -met here with a rascal who jostled me, and will not suffer me to pass -quietly by him. Alas, see, said the other, you are mistaken, it is a -post. A post! said he, why then he should have blown his horn. - - -1254. A cook of one of the colleges at Cambridge, serving up dinner, -gave to one of the assistants a neat's tongue to put upon the table; the -fellow not having firm hold of the dish, let it fall to the ground, so -that it was not fit for serving, whereat the cook was very angry; the -poor fellow begged the cook not to be so very angry, it was but a -_lapsus linguae_. - - -1255. Two or three gentlemen visiting a citizen, he, at their departure, -asked them if they would please to take a glass of beer, apologizing for -its being small beer, but such as contented him and his family; they -accepted it, saying, it was no matter for the smallness, so it were -fresh. One of them tasting it, the other asked him if the beer was -fresh. Yes, quoth he, I assure you it is fresh, as if it had been all -night in water. - - -1256. At a general assizes in Queen Elizabeth's days, two plain country -fellows having some business there, were gazing upon the bench, until -the time they should be called, discoursing betwixt themselves, said the -one to the other, I much wonder at one thing, and would gladly be -resolved thereof: the other demanding of him what it was he wished to -know, was answered, I have often mused with myself, why all the judges -go shaven, and there is no appearance of a beard to be seen amongst them -all. To which the other replied, Neighbour, that is a doubt which is -easily decided; for in this place they ought to wear no beards, for you -ought to know they represent her majesty. - - -1257. In many towns of this kingdom, mechanics are often made mayors. -Amongst others, one who was elected to that office, thought it would be -but becoming that his wife should be dressed according to the dignity of -the situation, and accordingly ordered her new apparel from top to toe; -she not accustomed to such gaiety, was not a little proud, and coming -somewhat late to church, at the moment when the auditory rose up for the -reverence of the gospel, which she mistaking, and thinking it had been -done to her, said aloud, I thank you all, my good friends and -neighbours, I shall not be unmindful of this courtesy. - - -1258. A person being asked the reason why his head was so intermixed -with white hairs, that it was indeed quite grey, and that not one could -be seen in his beard, answered, It is no wonder, the hair of my head is -older than that of my beard by twenty years. - - -1259. The parson of a country village, visiting one of his sick -parishioners, among other comforting words, said to him, Be of good -cheer, my good friend, for I hope thou wilt be carried into Paradise. To -which the sick man replied, Your speech is comforting to me, for if the -way is long, I should never be able to walk there. - - -1260. Two country fellows falling out, were at very hot words, insomuch -that one gave the other the lie, who taking it in great disgrace, bent -his fist and threatened revenge; the other, knowing himself unable to -grapple with him, denied his words; in conclusion, the defendant was so -pressed, that in plain terms he gave him the lie, saying, Thou liest to -say I gave thee the lie. To which the other answered, It is well now at -last that thou hast given me satisfaction. - - -1261. A country fellow had an idle housewife, who would do nothing but -sit before the fire, and suffer everything to go to sixes and sevens; -coming one day from his labour, and finding her sitting as customary, -lolling by the fire, he took up a stick, and began to cudgel her -soundly; at which she cried out, Alas, husband, what do you mean? you -see I am doing nothing, I am doing nothing. That is the very reason why -I am beating you, said he. - - -1262. A person who had a great shrew for his wife, in one of the -quarrels, got so enraged, that he could not contain himself, but -snatched up a flagon that happened to be near, and gave her a very deep -wound on her head, the cost of curing which was very considerable. This -woman sitting at another time among her gossips, said openly, My husband -does not dare to break my head any more, he paid so dearly for the last -cure. This being told to the husband, he sent for the apothecary and -surgeon, and, calling for his wife, when they arrived, he paid each of -them their bill, and also gave them money in advance, in earnest of the -next cure she might require. We need not say, the husband was not -further annoyed. - - -1263. An Irishman said to his companions on Christmas Eve, he did not -mean to have a plum-pudding for dinner next day. Why so? asked they. -Och, I have raisons for it. Then you did intend it, since you have got -the _raisins_. - - -1264. A gentleman passing in dirty weather through a street in which the -pavement had been broken up, got bespattered with mud--on looking about -him in his distress, he saw written up on a board, "No -thorough-fare"--Egad, said he, they may well say that; for I have proved -it _thorough foul_. - - -1265. A distinguished gentleman, whose nose and chin are both very long, -and who has lost his teeth, whereby the nose and chin are brought very -close together, was told, I am afraid your nose and chin will fight -before long, they approach each other so very menacingly. I was afraid -of it myself, replied the gentleman, for a good many words have passed -between them already. - - -1266. A servant, near Limerick, at the time that everybody was required -to deliver in their arms, wrote to his master at Dublin, that he had -secured the fire arms, having sent all the pokers and tongs to the -barracks. - - -1267. A young lady at the Exhibition at the Suffolk Street Gallery, -looking at a subject of still life,--plates, dishes, &c., asked the -gentleman who accompanied her, to look in the catalogue and see what it -was; he replied, A study. Why, goodness, said she, I took it for a -kitchen! - - -1268. A fine ship was lately launched, at which Sir Henry Tempest -attended. A wag observed, What a pity it is, that a tempest should -accompany such a launch. - - -1269. On the expulsion of Mr. Jones from the Irish House of Commons, a -punning wag remarked, that this was not In-I-go Jones--but Out-I-go -Jones. - - -1270. Of a person as remarkable for his irregularity as for his musical -talents, it was aptly remarked, that the whole tenor of his conduct was -thorough base. - - -1271. A fashionable Irish gentleman having made a purchase of Hume's -History of England, went into a bookseller's shop to have it most -elegantly bound. What binding would you like best? asked the bookseller, -would you like it bound in Russia? In Russia! exclaimed the man of -fashion; Oh, no, no, that is too far off, I'd rather have it bound in -Bond Street. - - -1272. A very corpulent gentleman travelling in the north, was walking -backwards and forwards in front of an inn, while the horses were -changing. One of the gapers, an inhabitant of the place, had a mind to -be witty: viewing the gentleman's person, he accosted him with--I see, -sir, you carry your portmanteau before ye. Certainly, said he, I always -think it requisite to have it under my eye, when passing through a -suspicious looking place. - - -1273. Grattan being asked his opinion of the valour of a certain -captain, who from excess of feeling put up with a severe castigation, -replied, That he thought it odd, for to his knowledge the captain had -fought. Who, who? cried his informant. Shy, said the witty barrister. - - -1274. A trader in Dublin, said one day to his friend, I will be ruined. -I am sorry for it, said the other, but if you will be ruined, you know -no one can prevent it. - - -1275. A gentleman being much pressed in company to sing a song, observed -pettishly, That they only wanted to make a butt of him. By no means, my -dear fellow, rejoined one of his tormentors, we only want to get a stave -out of you. - - -1276. A Welchman coming to London to pursue a suit at law, chanced to -steal a sow, for which he was taken and burnt in the hand. His friends -asked him, when he arrived home, How the law went with him? Priddie -well, said he, for hur has got hur in hur hand. - - -1277. What did Mr. King die of? asked a simple neighbour. Of a -complication of disorders, replied his friend. How do you describe a -complication, my good sir? He died, rejoined the other, of two -physicians, an apothecary, and a surgeon. - - -1278. Parson Hawkins passing the River Wye, to Biford, where he lived, -had with him one Bartholomew Herring, who, being heavy laden, fell over -the side of the boat into the river; Hawkins cried out, Save the man, -save the man. Herring answered, Hold your tongue, am I not in my -element! - - -1279. Serjeant Hoskins having married an old widow, and being asked by a -companion of his, Why he did not marry a young woman? answered, He had a -maxim for it in his accidence, In _legendis veteribus proficiscis_, [In -reading old authors thou dost profit.] - - -1280. A young man walking along Cheapside, espied a house shut up, with -a bill over the door, showing that the house and shop were to be let. He -asked a person at the next door, If the shop might be let alone? Yes, -replied the other, you may let it alone, for anything I know. - - -1281. A gownsman at Cambridge was once bargaining with Fordham for a -horse; the latter was taken suddenly very ill and died; there were very -few pounds between them in respect to the price. The gownsman, not -knowing what had occurred, called next morning at the yard, and asked to -see Mr. Fordham. Master, sir, said the ostler, is dead, but he left word -you should have the horse. - - -1282. A caravan of wild beasts arriving lately in an American village, -the elephant was accommodated in a large carriage-house--where, it -appeared, a tall two-fisted negro from the country, who had never seen -or heard of an elephant, had lain down to sleep. On waking, blacky was -not a little astonished at his strange bed-fellow. What could it be? The -devil! The huge mass moved, when lo, a tail at both ends put an end to -all doubt, and, with one despairing leap, he was out of the loft window, -without once calculating upon the chance of breaking his neck. In the -fulness of his astonishment and joy at his escape, he could tell no more -of the occasion of his alarm, than of a devil with two tails, and -describe in his best way, an extending, contracting, flexible tail, that -no distance could secure you from. - - -1283. The following anecdote is related of Lessing, the German author, -who, in his old age, was subject to extraordinary fits of abstraction. -On his return home one evening, after he had knocked at his door, the -servant looked out of the window to see who was there; not recognizing -his master in the dark, and mistaking him for a stranger, he called out, -The Professor is not at home. Oh, very well, replied Lessing, no matter, -I will call another time; and very composedly walked away. - - -1284. A young clergyman finding it impossible to provide for his family -with his very slender income, wrote to his friend--Dear Frank, I must -part with my living to save my life. - - -1285. A bookseller in Paris being lately asked for a copy of the -'Constitution of 1814,' replied--Sir, I keep no periodicals. - - -1286. A lecturer on the history of chemistry, thus described the -celebrated Mr. Boyle: He was a great man, a very great man; he was -father of modern chemistry, and brother of the Earl of Cork. - - -_A Receipt to make an Epigram._ - -BY LORD HERVEY. - - A pleasing subject first with care provide; - Your matter must with nature be supplied; - Nervous your diction, be your measure long, - Nor fear your verse too stiff if sense be strong: - In proper places proper numbers use, - And now the quicker, now the slower chuse: - Too soon the dactyl the performance ends, - But the slow spondee coming thoughts suspends; - Your last attention on the sting bestow, - To that your good or ill success you'll owe; - For there, not wit alone must shine, but humour flow. - Observing these, your epigram's completed; - Nor fear 'twill tire, though seven times repeated. - - -_On Ben Jonson's Bust set up in Westminster Abbey, with the buttons on -the wrong side of his coat._ - -BY THE REV. SAMUEL WESLEY. - - O rare Ben Jonson! What, a turn-coat grown! - Thou ne'er wert such till thou wert clad in stone. - When time thy coat, thy only coat, impairs, - Thou'lt find a patron in a hundred years: - Then let not this mistake disturb thy sprite, - Another age shall set thy buttons right. - - -_On Quin's comparing Garrick to Whitfield, and complaining, that the -people were madding it after him._ - -BY G--CK. - - Pope Quin, who damns all churches but his own, - Complains that heresy misleads the town, - That Whitfield-Garrick does corrupt the age, - And taints the sound religion of the stage. - ----Thou great infallible! forbear to roar; - Thy bulls and errors are revered no more: - Where doctrines meet with general approbation, - It is not heresy, but reformation. - - -_On Miss Biddy Floyd._ BY DEAN SWIFT. - - When Cupid did his grandsire Jove intreat, - To form some beauty by a new receipt, - Jove sent and found, far in a country scene, - Truth, innocence, good-nature, looks serene; - From which ingredients first the dextrous boy - Picked the demure, the awkward, and the coy: - The Graces from the court did next provide - Breeding, and wit, and air, and decent pride; - These Venus cleansed from every spurious grain - Of nice, coquet, affected, pert, and vain: - Jove mixed up all, and his best clay employed, - Then called the happy composition, Floyd. - - -_On the Gravestone of a Blacksmith, buried in Chester Church-yard._ - - My sledge and hammer lie reclined, - My bellows too have lost their wind; - My fire's extinct, my forge decayed, - And in the dust my vice is laid; - My coal is spent, my iron's gone, - My nails are drove, my work is done; - My fire-dried corpse lies here at rest, - My soul, smoke like, is soaring to be blest. - - -_On a Monument intended to be erected for Mr. Rowe, by his Widow._ - -_Written before Mr. Dryden's was set up._ - -BY MR. POPE. - - Thy reliques, Rowe, to this fair shrine we trust, - And, sacred, place by Dryden's awful dust. - Beneath a rude and nameless stone he lies, - To which thy tomb shall gain inquiring eyes: - Peace to thy gentle shade, and endless rest, - Blest in thy genius, in thy love too blest; - One grateful woman to thy fame supplied - What a whole thankless land to his denied. - - -_On Maids._ - - Most maids resemble Eve now in their lives, - Who are no sooner women, but they're wives. - - -_On Giles Jacob, the Poet._ BY DR. SEWELL. - - Parent of dulness! genuine son of night! - Total eclipse! without one ray of light: - Born when dull midnight bells for funerals chime, - Just at the closing of the bellman's rhyme. - - -BY DEAN SWIFT. - - As Thomas was cudgelled one day by his wife, - He took to his heels and ran for his life: - Tom's three dearest friends came by in the squabble, - And skreened him at once from the shrew and the rabble; - Then ventured to give him some wholesome advice: - But Tom is a fellow of humour so nice, - Too proud to take counsel, too wise to take warning, - He sent to all three a challenge next morning: - He fought with all three, thrice ventured his life, - Then went home again, and was thrashed by his wife. - - -_Translated from_ BUCHANAN. - -_Beginning_, Pauper eram juvenis, _&c._ - - Poor, when in youth, now worn with feeble age - I'm rich; but wretched still in either stage: - When wealth I could enjoy I then had none; - Now plenty's come, all power of use is gone. - - -_On a Company of bad Dancers to good Music._ BY MR. BUDGELL. - - How ill the motion with the music suits! - So Orpheus fiddled, and so danced the brutes. - - -_The Lover's Legacy._ - - Unhappy Strephon, dead and cold, - His heart was from his bosom rent, - Embalmed, and in a box of gold, - To his beloved Kitty sent. - - Some ladies might, perhaps, have fainted, - But Kitty smiled upon the bauble; - A pin-cushion, said she, I wanted, - Go put it on the dressing-table. - - -_The Scotch Weather-Wife._ - - Scotland, thy weather's like a modish wife; - Thy winds and rains maintain perpetual strife; - So termagant, a while, her thunder hies; - And when she can no longer scold--she cries. - - -_On Milton._ BY MR. DRYDEN. - - Three poets, in three distant ages born, - Greece, Italy, and England did adorn; - The first in loftiness of thought surpast; - The next in majesty; in both the last. - The force of nature could no farther go-- - To make a third she joined the former two. - - -_Written, in the leaves of a Fan._ - -BY DR. ATTERBURY, A LATE BISHOP OF ROCHESTER. - - Flavia the least and slightest toy, - Can with resistless art employ: - This fan in meaner hands would prove - An engine of small force in love; - Yet she with graceful air and mien, - Not to be told or fairly seen, - Directs its flowing motion so, - That it wounds more than Cupid's bow; - Gives coolness to the matchless dame, - To every other breast a flame. - - -_Written in Miss F----'s Pew at I---- Church._ - - With awe, with pleasure and surprise, - I view the lightning of your eyes; - Lightning! that wounds me as it flies. - - What prayer! what vow! to Heaven can go? - For all devotion you subdue; - At least, 'tis all transferred to you. - - In vain is human strength--its boasted art-- - While you sit here, you share my vows in part; - To Y----[4] I give my ears, to you my eyes and heart. - - [4] The Minister. - - -_The Lucky Man._ BY MR. WELSTED. - - I owe, says Metius, much to Colon's care; - Once only seen, he chose me for his heir: - True, Metius; hence your fortunes take their rise; - His heir you were not, had he seen you twice. - - -_To Mr. T--d, on his complimenting Mr. F--de on his Poetry._ - - F--de writes well, you say; suppose it true, - You pawn your word for him;--he'll vouch for you; - So two poor knaves, when once their credit fail, - To cheat the world, become each other's bail. - - -_On a handsome Woman, with a fine voice, but very covetous and proud._ - - So bright is thy beauty, so charming thy song, - As had drawn both the beasts, and their Orpheus along; - But such is thy avarice and such is thy pride, - That the beasts must have starved, and the poet have died. - - -_Venus mistaken._ BY MR. PRIOR. - - When Chloe's picture was to Venus shown, - Surprised, the goddess took it for her own; - And what, said she, does this bold painter mean? - When was I bathing thus, and naked seen? - Pleased, Cupid heard, and checked his mother's pride; - And who's blind now, mamma? the urchin cried. - 'Tis Chloe's eye, and cheek, and lip, and breast, - Friend Howard's genius fancied all the rest. - - -_Epitaph on Mr. Harcourt's Tomb._ BY MR. POPE. - - To this sad shrine, whoe'er thou art, draw near, - Here lies the friend most wept, the son most dear, - Who ne'er knew joy but friendship might divide, - Nor gave his father grief----but when he died. - How vain is reason! eloquence how weak! - When Pope must tell what Harcourt cannot speak. - Yet let thy once-loved friend inscribe the stone, - And with a father's sorrow mix his own. - Ah, no! 'tis vain to strive----it will not be; - No grief that can be told is felt for thee. - - -_Prometheus ill-painted._ BY MR. COWLEY. - - How wretched does Prometheus' state appear, - Whilst he his second misery suffers here. - Draw him no more, lest, as he tortured stands, - He blame great Jove's less than the painter's hands. - It would the vulture's cruelty outgo, - If once again his liver thus should grow. - Pity him, Jove, and his bold theft allow; - The flames he once stole from thee grant him now. - - -_On a Lady who pretended to tell Fortunes._ BY MR. MOTTLEY. - - Some oracles of old, to cause more wonder, - Were, when pronounced, accompanied with thunder: - But thy predictions come not in a storm, - They are delivered by the brightest form: - If, when you speak, Jove does not pierce the sky, - Yet still you've all his lightning in your eye. - - -_The Cure of Love._ - - When, Chloe, I confess my pain, - In gentle words your pity show; - But gentle words are all in vain, - Such gales my flame but higher blow. - - Ah, Chloe, would you cure the smart - Your conqu'ring eyes have keenly made, - Yourself upon my bleeding heart-- - Yourself, fair Chloe, must be laid. - - Thus for the viper's sting we know, - No surer remedy is found, - Than to apply the tort'ring foe, - And squeeze his venom on the wound - - -_Epitaph on an unknown Person._ - - Without a name, for ever senseless, dumb, - Dust, ashes, nought else, lies within this tomb. - Where'er I lived, or died, it matters not; - To whom related, or by whom begot; - I was, but am not, ask no more of me-- - It's all I am, and all that thou shalt be. - - -_Epitaph._ - - Here lies a lady, who, if not belied, - Took wise St Paul's advice, and all things tried; - Nor stopt she here; but followed through the rest, - And always stuck the longest to the best. - - -_In a window of a room in the Tower of London is written_; - -R. WALPOLE, 1712. - -_Underneath that, are the following lines_: - - Good unexpected, evil unforeseen, - Appear by turns, as fortune shifts the scene: - Some, raised aloft, come tumbling down again, - And fall so hard, they bound to rise again. - - -_The Artist._ BY MR. CONCANEN. - - Very nicely thou lay'st on thy colours, dear Nan, - And no painter in skill can o'ertop ye; - When to Ellys you sat, he dully brushed on, - Till he thought he had an original drawn, - Which you proved to be only a copy. - - -_Epitaph on a talkative old Maid._ - - Beneath this silent stone is laid - A noisy antiquated maid, - Who, from her cradle, talked till death, - And ne'er before was out of breath. - Whither she's gone we cannot tell, - For if she talks not she's in hell: - If she's in heaven she's there unblest, - Because she hates a place of rest. - - -_A Simile._ - - Women to cards may be compared: we play - A round or two; when used, we throw away, - Take a fresh pack; nor is it worth our grieving - Who cuts and shuffles with the dirty leaving. - - * * * * * - - Thais, her teeth are black and naught, - Lucania's white are grown: - But what's the reason? These are bought, - The other wears her own. - - -_The disappointed Husband._ - -_Mulieri ne crede, ne mortuae quidem._ - - A scolding wife so long a sleep possessed, - Her spouse presumed her soul was now at rest. - Sable was called to hang the room in black; - And all their cheer was sugar-rolls and sack. - Two mourning staffs stood sentry at the door; - And silence reigned, who ne'er was there before. - The cloaks, and tears, and handkerchiefs prepared, - They marched in woeful pomp to Abchurch Yard; - When see of narrow streets what mischiefs come! - The very dead can't pass in quiet home: - By some rude jolt, the coffin lid was broke, - And madam from her dream of death awoke. - Now all was spoiled: the undertaker's pay, - Sour faces, cakes, and wine, quite thrown away. - But some years after, when the former scene - Was acted, and the coffin nailed again, - The tender husband took especial care, - To keep the passage from disturbance clear; - Charging the bearers that they tread aright, - Nor put his dear in such another fright. - - * * * * * - - Among the fair that Hyde Park Circus grace, - Canidia seeks admirers of her face; - In vain her airs, her wanton arts she tries, - Among those beauties that engage all eyes: - Bright rays, like diamonds, they around 'em fling, - Whilst she is but the cipher of the ring. - - -_On a Robbery._ - - Ridway robb'd Duncote of three hundred pounds; - Ridway was taken and condemned to die: - But for his money was a courtier found, - Begged Ridway's pardon: Duncote now doth cry, - Robbed both of money and the law's relief, - The courtier is become the greater thief. - - -_On Suicide: from_ MARTIAL. BY MR. SEWELL. - - When all the blandishments of life are gone, - The coward creeps to death, the brave lives on. - - -_A Dialogue between two very bad Poets._ BY MR. CONCANEN. - - Says Richard[5] to Joe,[6] thou'rt a very sad dog, - And thou canst write verses no more than a log; - Says Joseph to Dick, prithee, ring-rhyme, get hence: - Sure my verse, at least, is as good as thy sense. - Was e'er such a contest recorded in song? - The one's in the right, and the other's not wrong. - - [5] Savage. - - [6] Mitchel. - - -_To a Painter drawing a Lady's Picture._ BY MR. DENNIS. - - He[7] who great Jove's artillery aped so well, - By real thunder and true lightning fell; - How then durst thou, with equal danger try - To counterfeit the lightning of her eye? - Painter, desist; or soon the event will prove - That Love's as jealous of his arms as Jove. - - [7] Salmoneus. - - -_The Choice._ - - Too conscious of her worth, a noble maid - Baulked many a lover, and her mind out-strayed, - While yet a peer, less doubting than the rest, - Defied her coldness, and attacked her breast. - A spaniel whelp, and spaniel lord, declare - Their vows to serve, and hope to please the fair; - The cautious nymph, still fearing a trepan, - Their fortune, wit, and worth, did nicely scan; - Then, as the reason of the case is clear, - Embraced the puppy, and dismissed the peer. - - -_On a certain Writer._ - - Half of your book is to an index grown; - You give your book contents, your readers none. - - -_On a Flower painted by_ VARELST. BY MR. PRIOR. - - When famed Varelst this little wonder drew, - Flora vouchsafed the growing work to view; - Finding the painter's science at a stand, - The goddess snatched the pencil from his hand, - And, finishing the piece, she smiling said, - Behold one work of mine, which ne'er shall fade. - - -_An Epitaph on Little Stephen, a noted Fiddler in the County of -Suffolk._ - - Stephen and Time - Are now both even; - Stephen beat Time, - Now Time beats Stephen. - - -_On Giles and Joan._ - - Who says that Giles and Joan at discord be? - The observing neighbours no such mood can see; - Indeed, poor Giles repents he married ever, - But that his Joan doth too: and Giles would never, - By his free will, be in Joan's company; - No more would Joan he should: Giles riseth early, - And having got him out of doors is glad; - The like is Joan: but turning home is sad; - And so is Joan: oft-times when Giles doth find - Harsh sights at home, Giles wishes he were blind; - All this doth Joan; or, that his long-earned life - Were quite out-spun; the like wish hath his wife: - In all affections she concurreth still; - If now with man and wife to will and nill - The self same things, a note of concord be, - I know no couple better can agree. - - -_To a Sempstress._ - - Oh, what bosom but must yield, - When, like Pallas, you advance, - With a thimble for your shield, - And a needle for your lance! - Fairest of the stitching train, - Ease my passion by your art; - And in pity to my pain, - Mend the hole that's in my heart. - - -_On a Certain Poet._ - - Thy verses are eternal, O my friend! - For he who reads them, reads them to no end. - - -_A Distich, written under the sign of the King's Head and Bell in -Dublin, at the host's request._ - -BY DEAN SWIFT. - - May the king live long; - Dong, ding, ding, dong. - - -_On seeing a Miser at Vauxhall Gardens._ - - Music has charms to sooth a savage breast, - To calm the tyrant, and relieve the opprest: - But Vauxhall's concert's more attracting power - Unlocked Sir Richard's pocket at threescore: - Oh! strange effect of music's matchless force, - To attract a shilling from a miser's purse! - - -_To a Lady who had very bad teeth._ - - Ovid, who bids the ladies laugh, - Spoke only to the young and fair; - For thee his counsel were not safe, - Who of sound teeth have scarce a pair. - - If thou the glass or me believe, - Shun mirth, as foplings do the wind; - At Cibber's face affect to grieve, - And let thy eyes alone be kind. - - If thou art wise see dismal plays, - And to sad stories lend thy ear; - With the afflicted spend thy days, - And laugh not above once a year. - - -_On an old Maid's Marriage._ - - Celia, a coquet in her prime, - The vainest, ficklest thing alive; - Behold the strange effects of time! - Marries and doats at forty-five. - - Thus weathercocks, that for awhile - Have turned about with every blast, - Grown old, and destitute of oil, - Rust to a point, and fix at last. - - -_A Cure for Love._ - - Of two reliefs to cure a love-sick mind, - Flavia prescribes despair; I urge, be kind; - Flavia, be kind: the remedy's as sure; - 'Tis the most pleasant, and the quickest cure. - - -_Under the Picture of a Beau._ - - This vain thing set up for a man, - But see what fate attends him; - The powdering barber first began, - The barber-surgeon ends him. - - -_On a Gentleman drinking the Health of an unkind Mistress._ - - Why dost thou wish that she may live, - Whose living beauties make thee grieve! - Thou wouldst more wisely wish her kind, - That she may change her cruel mind; - Thy present wish but this can gain, - That she may live, and thou complain. - - -_On a Prize-Fighter._ - - His thrusts like lightning flew, yet subtle death - Parried them all, and beat him out of breath. - - -_The Penance._ - - When Phillis confessed, the father was rash, - And so, without further reflection, - Her delicate skin he condemned to the lash, - While himself would bestow the correction. - Her husband, who heard this, opposed it by urging, - That he, in regard to her weakness, - And to save her soft back, would himself bear the scourging - With humble submission and meekness. - She piously cried, when the priest gave accord, - To show what devotion was in her, - He's able and lusty, pray cheat not the Lord, - For, alas! I'm a very great sinner. - - -_On a Gentleman who died the day after his Lady._ - - She first departed; he for one day tried - To live without her: liked it not, and died. - - -_On a Welchman._ - - A Welchman coming late into an inn, - Asked the maid what meat there was within? - Cow-heels, she answered, and a breast of mutton; - But, quoth the Welchman, since I am no glutton, - Either of these shall serve: to-night the breast, - The heels i' th' morning, then light meat is best; - At night he took the breast and did not pay, - I' th' morning took his heels, and ran away. - - -_The Fate of Poets._ - - Seven wealthy towns contend for Homer dead, - Through which the living Homer begged his bread. - - -_On an old Woman with false Hair._ - - The golden hair that Galla wears - Is hers: who would have thought it! - She swears 'tis hers,--and true she swears; - For I know where she bought it. - - -_On another old Woman._ BY MR. PRIOR. - - From her own native France, as old Alison past, - She reproached English Nell with neglect or with malice; - That the slattern had left, in the hurry and haste, - Her lady's complexion and eye-brows at Calais. - - -_An Epitaph._ - - Here lies honest Strephon with Mary his bride, - Who merrily lived and cheerfully died; - They laughed and they loved, and drank while they were able, - But now they are forced to knock under the table. - This marble, which formerly served them to drink on, - Now covers their bodies,--and sad thing to think on!-- - That do what one can to moisten our clay, - 'Twill one day be ashes, and moulder away. - - -_On an ugly old Woman in the Dark._ FROM MARTIAL. - - Whilst in the dark on thy soft hand I hung, - And heard the tempting syren in thy tongue; - What flames, what darts, what anguish I endured! - But, when the candle entered, I was cured. - - -_On a beautiful and ingenious young Lady._ - - Minerva, one day, pray let nobody doubt it, - Rid an airing from Oxford six miles, or about it, - Where she 'spied a young damsel so blooming and fair, - That, ah, Venus! she cried, is your ladyship there? - Pray is not yon Oxford?--and lately you sware, - Neither you, nor aught like you, should ever come there: - Do you thus keep your promise? and am I defied? - The virgin drew near her, and, smiling replied, - --My goddess! what have you your pupil forgot? - --Your pardon, my dear,----Is it you, Molly Scot? - - -_To a Lady who married her Footman._ COLONEL P----. - - Dear cousin, think it no reproach, - (Thy virtue shines the more,) - To take black John into the coach - He rode behind before. - - -_On stealing a Pound of Candles._ - - Light-fingered Catch, to keep his hand in ure, - Stole anything; of this you may be sure, - That he thinks all his own which once he handles, - For practice-sake did steal a pound of candles; - Was taken in the fact: Oh, foolish wight! - To steal such things as needs must come to light. - - -_On a very plain Lady, that patched much._ - - Your homely face, Flippanta, you disguise, - With patches, numerous as Argus' eyes; - I own that patching's requisite to you, - For more we are pleased, if less your face we view; - Yet I advise, if my advice you'd ask, - Wear but one patch; but be that patch a mask. - - -_The Dart._ - - Whene'er I look, I may descry - A little face peep through that eye; - Sure that's the boy, who wisely chose - His throne among such beams as those, - Which, if his quiver chance to fall, - May serve for darts to kill withal. - - -_To L----, the Miser._ - - When thou art asked to sup abroad, - Thou swear'st thou hast but newly dined; - That eating late does over-load - The stomach and the mind. - - Then thou wilt drink 'till every star - Be swallowed by the rising sun; - Such charms hath wine we pay not for, - And mirth at others' charge begun. - - Who shuns his club, yet flies to every treat, - Does not a supper, but a reck'ning hate. - - -_On Jealousy._ BY A LADY. - - Oh! shield me from his rage, celestial powers, - This tyrant that embitters all my hours. - Ah, love, you've poorly played the monarch's part, - You conquered, but you can't defend my heart. - So blessed was I, throughout the happy reign, - I thought this monster banished from thy train; - But you would raise him to support your throne, - And now he claims your empire as his own: - Or tell me, tyrants, have you both agreed, - There where one reigns, the other shall succeed? - - -_On Julia's throwing a Snow-Ball._ - - Julia, young wanton, flung the gathered snow, - Nor feared I burning from the watery blow: - 'Tis cold, I cried; but, ah! too soon I found, - Sent by that hand, it dealt a scorching wound. - Resistless fair! we fly thy power in vain, - Who turn'st to fiery darts the frozen rain. - Burn, Julia, burn like me, and that desire - With water which thou kindlest quench with fire. - - -_To Zelinda._ - - The poet and the painter safely dare - To form an image of the proudest fair: - Your brighter charms, by lavish nature wrought, - Transcend the painter's skill, the poet's thought. - - -_Occasioned by seeing some verses on Caelia, written on a pane of Glass._ - - Well hast thou drawn, fond youth, in properest place, - The short-lived beauties of false Caelia's face. - When words' obscurities thy sense o'er-shade, - The place gives light to what thou wouldst have said. - Bright as this lucid glass her eyes now seem, - Like this, breathed on by fell disease, grown dim. - Like glass is every strongest vow she makes, - Brittle as that, as easily she breaks; - Such is her honour. Short her fame, we find, - Which cracked, must perish by the first high wind. - - -_On a Riding-House turned into a Chapel._ BY MR. FARQUHAR. - - A chapel of a riding-house is made, - Thus we once more see Christ in manger laid, - Where still we find the jockey trade supplied, - The laymen bridled, and the clergy ride. - - -_On Chloe._ - - Here Chloe lies, - Whose once bright eyes - Set all the world on fire: - And not to be - Ungrateful, she - Did all the world admire. - - -_Written extempore, on the Duke of Devonshire's House at Chatsworth._ - - Qualiter in mediis quam non speraverat urbem, - Attonitus, Venetam navita cernit aquis; - Sic improviso emergens et montibus imis, - Attollis sese Devoniana Domus. - -_And thus translated by_ COLLEY CIBBER, ESQ. - - Not sailors view with more astonished eyes, - In open seas Venetian towers arise, - Than from the mountains strangers, with delight, - See unexpected Chatsworth charm the sight. - - * * * * * - - George came to the crown without striking a blow: - Ah! quoth the Pretender, would I could do so. - - -_On the Clare-market and other Orators._ - - To wonder now at Balaam's ass, is weak: - Is there a day that asses do not speak? - - -_The Numskull._ - - You beat your pate, and fancy wit will come; - Knock as you please, there's nobody at home. - - -_Sylvia._ - - Sylvia makes a sad complaint she has lost her lover; - Why nothing strange I in that news discover. - Nay, then thou'rt dull; for here the wonder lies, - She had a lover once!--Don't that surprise? - - -_On a Painter, who stabbed a man fastened to a Cross, that he might draw -the picture of the Crucifixion more naturally._ - - While his Redeemer on his canvas dies, - Stabbed at his feet his brother weltering lies. - The daring artist, cruelly serene. - Views the pale cheek, and the distorted mien; - He drains off life by drops, and deaf to cries, - Examines every spirit as it flies; - He studies torment, dives in mortal woe, - To rouse up every pang repeats his blow; - Each rising agony, each dreadful grace, - Yet warm transplanting to his Saviour's face. - Oh, glorious theft! O nobly wicked draught! - With its full charge of death each feature fraught! - Such wondrous force the magic colours boast, - From his own skill he starts, in horror lost. - - -_On a handsome Idiot._ BY MR. CONGREVE. - - When Lesbia first I saw, so heavenly fair, - With eyes so bright, and with that awful air, - I thought my heart, which durst so high aspire, - As bold as his who snatched celestial fire; - But soon as e'er the beauteous idiot spoke, - Forth from her coral lips such folly broke, - Like balm the trickling nonsense healed my wound, - And what her eyes enthralled, her tongue unbound. - - -_On a dumb Boy, very beautiful, and of great quickness of parts._ - -WRITTEN BY A LADY. - - I sing the boy, who, gagged and bound, - Has been by nature robbed of sound; - Yet has she found a generous way, - One loss by many gifts to pay. - His voice, indeed, she close confined, - But blest him with a speaking mind; - And every muscle of his face - Discourses with peculiar grace: - The ladies tattling o'er their tea, - Might learn to charm by copying thee. - If silence thus can man become, - All women beauties would be dumb. - Then, happy boy, no more complain, - Nor think thy loss of speech a pain: - Nature has used thee like good liquor, - And corked thee but to make thee quicker. - - -_Written on the Chamber Door of King Charles II._ - -BY THE EARL OF ROCHESTER. - - Here lies the mutton-eating king, - Whose word no man relies on; - Who never said a foolish thing, - Nor ever did a wise one. - - -_Mankind Punished._ - - The crimes of men began to grow so great, - That how to punish justly puzzled Fate; - Heaven sighed at last, that to his sons so dear - A punishment's decreed, and so severe: - Go, says eternal justice, hell-hounds, go, - And execute my dread commands below; - Fix your rapacious claws on every door, - Despoil the rich, and poorer make the poor; - Pity not age, add to his weight of years, - And fill the wretched widow's eyes with tears; - Disturb their sleep, and poison every dish, - Nor let them taste, without a doubt, a wish: - The judge supreme, who each effect foresaw, - Cried, Havock, and let loose the dogs of law. - - -_To a young Gentleman who loved to drive hard with a sorry pair of -Horses._ - -BY MR. PRIOR. - - Thy nags, the leanest things alive, - So very hard thou lov'st to drive, - I heard thy anxious coachman say - It cost thee more in whips than hay. - -_Solid Worth in a Wife._ - - When Loveless married Lady Jenny, - Whose beauty was the ready penny; - I chose her, said he, like old plate, - Not for the fashion, but the weight. - - -_Epitaph on a Miser._ - - Reader, beware immoderate love of pelf: - Here lies the worst of thieves, who robbed himself. - - -_On a crooked Woman._ - - Nature in pity has denied you shape, - Else how should mortals Flavia's chain escape? - Your radiant aspect, and your rosy bloom, - Without this form would bring a general doom: - At once our ruin and relief we see, - At sight are captives, and at sight are free. - - -_Phillis's Age._ - - How old may Phillis be, you ask, - Whose beauty thus all hearts engages? - To answer is no easy task; - For she really has two ages. - - Stiff in brocade, and pinched in stays, - Her patches, paint, and jewels on; - All day let Envy view her face, - And Phillis is but twenty-one. - - Paint, patches, jewels, laid aside, - At night astronomers agree, - The evening has the day belied. - And Phillis is full forty-three. - - -_On Timothy Mum, a Tapster._ - - Here Tim the tapster lies, who drew good beer, - But now, drawn to his end, he draws no more; - Yes, still he draws from every friend a tear, - Water he draws, who drew good beer before. - - -_On seeing an engraved Portrait of the late Dr. Cheyne ill done._ - - Nature and Vandergutch in this agree, - Unfinished she has left him, so has he. - - -_On the death of Mary, Countess of Pembroke._ - - Underneath this sable hearse - Lies the subject of all verse, - Sidney's sister, Pembroke's mother: - Death, ere thou hast killed another, - Fair, and learned, good as she, - Time shall throw his dart at thee. - - -_To a bad Fiddler._ - - Old Orpheus played so well he moved old Nick, - Whilst thou mov'st nothing but thy fiddle-stick. - - -_Written on a Glass with the Earl of Chesterfield's diamond pencil._ - - Accept a miracle instead of wit; - See two dull lines by Stanhope's pencil writ. - - -_The real Affliction._ - - Doris, a widow, past her prime, - Her spouse long dead, her wailing doubles; - Her real griefs increase by time, - And what abates, improves her troubles. - Those pangs her prudent hopes suppressed, - Impatient now she cannot smother: - How should the helpless woman rest? - One's gone--nor can she get another. - - -_To an old Woman who used Paint._ - - Leave off thy paint, perfumes, and youthful dress, - And nature's failing honestly confess; - Double we see those faults which art would mend, - Plain downright ugliness would less offend. - - -_To Flirtilla._ - - In church, the prayer-book and the fan displayed, - And the solemn curtesies, show the wily maid; - At plays, the leering looks, and wanton airs, - And nods, and smiles, are fondly meant for snares. - Alas! vain charmer, you no lovers get; - There you seem hypocrite, and here coquet. - - -_On a picture of Mrs. Arabella Hunt, drawn playing on a lute, after her -death._ - - Were there on earth another voice like thine, - Another hand so blessed with skill divine, - The late afflicted world some hopes might have, - And harmony retrieve thee from the grave. - - -_On a Bursar of a certain college in Oxford cutting down the Trees near -the said college for his own use._ - - Indulgent nature to each creature shows - A secret instinct to discern its foes: - The goose, a silly bird, avoids the fox; - Lambs fly from wolves, and sailors steer from rocks; - The thief the gallows, as his fate foresees, - And bears the like antipathy to trees. - - -_On the death of Mrs. B----, who died soon after her marriage._ - - Hail, happy bride! for thou art truly bless'd, - Three months of rapture crowned with endless rest. - Merit like yours was heaven's peculiar care, - You loved,--yet tasted happiness sincere. - To you the sweets of love were only shown; - The sure succeeding bitter dregs unknown; - You had not yet the fatal change deplored, - The tender lover for the imperious lord; - Nor felt the pains that jealous fondness brings, - Nor wept the coldness from possession sprung: - Above your sex distinguished in your fate, - You trusted--yet experienced no deceit. - Soft were your hours, and winged with pleasures flew, - No vain repentance gave a sigh to you; - And if superior bliss heaven can bestow, - With fellow angels you enjoy it now. - - -_The Emperor Adrian's Death-bed Verses to his Soul imitated._ - - Poor little, pretty, fluttering thing, - Must we no longer live together? - And dost thou prune thy trembling wing - To take thy flight the Lord knows whither? - - Thy humorous vein, thy pleasing folly, - Lie all neglected, all forgot; - And pensive, wavering, melancholy, - Thou dread'st and hopest thou know'st not what. - - -_To Celia, with a Snuff-box, having a Looking-Glass in the Lid._ - - Let others Venus and the Graces place, - Or Cupid, god of love, these toys to grace; - Deign, charmer, but to cast those sparkling eyes - On this fair mirror, lo! with glad surprise, - A fairer form than Venus shall arise. - Smile but my fair, and view ten thousand loves, - Cheerful as light, and soft as cooing doves: - Beauty and love with thee for ever stay, - Soon as thou closest the lid both fly away. - - -_To Oliver Cromwell._ - - A peaceful sway the great Augustus bore; - O'er what great Julius gained by arms before; - Julius was all with martial trophies crowned; - Augustus for his peaceful arts renowned: - Rome calls them great, and makes them deities; - That, for his valour; this, his policies: - You, mighty prince, than both are greater far, - Who rule in peace that world you gained in war; - You sure from heaven a finished hero fell, - Who thus alone two Pagan Gods excel. - - -_Inscription for a Fountain, adorned with Queen Anne's and the late Duke -of Marlborough's Images, and the chief Rivers of the World round the -work._ - - Ye active streams! where'er your waters flow, - Let distant climes and farthest nations know, - What ye from Thames and Danube have been taught, - How Anne commanded and how Marlborough fought. - - -_On Blood's stealing the Crown._ - - When daring Blood, his rent to have regained, - Upon the English diadem distrained; - He chose the cassock, surcingle, and gown, - The fittest mark for one who robs the crown: - But his Lay Pity underneath prevailed, - And while he saved the keeper's life, he failed. - With the priest's vestment, had he but put on - The prelate's cruelty, the crown had gone. - - -_A Declaration of Love._ - - You I love, nor think I joke, - More than ivy does the oak; - More than fishes do the flood; - More than savage beasts the wood; - More than merchants do their gain; - More than misers to complain; - More than widows do their weeds; - More than friars do their beads; - More than Cynthia to be praised; - More than courtiers to be raised; - More than lawyers do the bar; - More than 'prentice boys a fair; - More than topers t'other bottle; - More than women tittle-tattle; - More than jailors do a fee; - More than all things I love thee. - - -_Written in the 'Nouveaux Interets des Princes de l'Europe.'_ - - Blest be the princes who have fought - For pompous names, or wide dominion; - Since by their error we are taught, - That happiness is but opinion. - - -_On Snuff._ - - Jove once resolved, the females to degrade, - To propagate their sex without their aid; - His brain conceived, and soon the pangs and throes - He felt, nor could th' unnatural birth disclose; - At last, when tried, no remedy would do, - The god took snuff, and out the goddess flew. - - -_On a Fan, in which was painted the story of Cephalus and Procris, with -this motto_, Aura veni. - - Come, gentle air, th'AEolian shepherd said, - While Procris panted in the sacred shade; - Come, gentle air, the fairer Delia cries, - While at her feet her swain expiring lies. - Lo! the glad gales do o'er her beauties stray, - Breathe in her lips, and in her bosom play; - In Delia's hand this toy is faithful found, - Nor could that fabled dart more surely wound; - Both gifts destructive to the givers prove, - Alike both lovers fall, by those they love: - Yet guiltless too this bright destroyer lives, - At random wounds, nor knows the wounds she gives: - She views the story with attentive eyes, - And pities Procris, while her lover dies. - - -_The advantage of having two Physicians._ - - One prompt physician like a sculler plies, - And all his art and all his skill applies: - But two physicians, like a pair of oars, - Convey you soonest to the Stygian shores. - - -_The following Lines were found among_ MR. POPE'S _Papers in his own -Hand-writing._ - - Argyll, his praise when Southerne wrote, - First struck out this, and then that thought; - Said this was flattery, that a fault. - How shall your bard contrive? - My lord, consider what you do, - He'll lose his pains and verses too; - For if these praises fit not you, - They'll fit no man alive. - - -_On an old Miser._ - - Here lies father Sparges, - Who died to save charges. - - -_On a Grave-stone in Cirencester Church-Yard._ - - God takes the good, too good on earth to stay, - And leaves the bad, too bad to take away. - - -_Dean Swift being sent for by the Lord Carteret, then Lord Lieutenant of -Ireland, and being made to wait in the Council Chamber alone, wrote with -a Diamond on the Window--_ - - My very good lord, 'tis a very hard task - For a man to wait here who has nothing to ask. - - -_My Lord coming soon after into the room, wrote under it thus:_ - - My very good dean, there are few who come here - But have something to ask, or something to fear. - - -_Epitaph on Mr. Fenton._ - - This modest stone, what few vain marbles can, - May truly say,--Here lies an honest man! - A poet blessed beyond a poet's fate, - Whom heaven kept sacred from the proud and great! - Foe to loud praise, and friend to learned ease, - Content with science in the vale of peace; - Calmly he looked on either life, and here - Saw nothing to regret, nor there to fear; - From nature's temperate feast rose satisfied, - Thanked heaven that he had lived, and that he died. - - -_The Petition of Justice B----ns's Horse, to his Grace the Duke of -N----._ - - Quite worn to the stumps, in a piteous condition, - I present to your grace this my humble petition; - Full twenty-eight stone, as all the world says, - (To me it seems more) my plump master weighs. - A load for a team this, yet I alone - To Claremont must draw him, for help I have none; - O'er Esher's hot sands, in a dry summer's day, - How I sweat and I chafe, and I pant all the way - But when I return, and the draft is increased - By what he has crammed--a stone at the least-- - No single horse can be, in conscience thought able - To draw both the justice, and eke half your table. - This, my case, gracious duke, to your tender compassion - I submit, and O! take it in consideration. - To draw with a pair, put the squire in a way, - Your petitioner then, bound in duty, shall neigh. - - -_Epitaph on Cardinal Richelieu._ - - Stay, traveller--for all you want is near: - Wisdom and power I seek--they both lie here. - Nay, but I look for more, and raise my aim, - To wit, taste, learning, elegance, and fame. - Here ends your journey, then; for there the store - Of Richelieu lies--Alas! repent no more: - Shame on my pride! what hope is left for me, - When here death treads on all that man can be? - - -_A Caveat to the Fair Sex._ - - Wife and servant are the same, - But only differ in the name; - For when that fatal knot is tied - Which nothing, nothing can divide; - When she the word "obey" has said, - And man by law supreme is made, - Then all that's kind is laid aside, - And nothing left but state and pride; - Fierce as an eastern prince he grows, - And all his innate rigour shows: - Then but to look, or laugh, or speak, - Will the nuptial contract break. - Like mutes, she signs alone must make, - And never any freedom take; - But still be governed by a nod, - And fear her husband as her god; - Him still must serve, him still obey, - And nothing act, and nothing say, - But what her haughty lord thinks fit, - Who with the power, has all the wit. - Then shun, Oh! shun that wretched state, - And all the fawning flatterers hate; - Value yourselves, and men despise, - You must be proud, if you'll be wise. - - -_Fast and Loose._ - - Colin was married in all haste, - And now to rack doth run; - So knitting of himself too fast - He hath himself undone. - - -_Marriage._ - - Were I, who am not of the Romish tribe, - The number of their sacraments to fix, - I speak sincerely, without fee, or bribe, - Instead of seven, there should be but six. - All men of sense tautology disclaim, - Marriage and penance always were the same. - - * * * * * - - Frank carves very ill, yet will palm all the meats; - He eats more than six, and drinks more than he eats. - Four pipes after dinner he constantly smokes; - And seasons his whiffs with impertinent jokes. - Yet sighing, he says, we must certainly break, - And my cruel unkindness compels him to speak: - For of late I invite him--but four times a week. - - * * * * * - - Yes, every poet is a fool: - By demonstration Ned can show it: - Happy, could Ned's inverted rule - Prove every fool to be a poet. - - -_Rhymes given by Miss ---- and filled up by the_ HON. AND REV. MR. -A----N. - - Thou bright inspirer of untainted Love, - Gay as the lark, and peaceful as the Dove, - Thou whose calm breast no struggling passions Heat, - May still thy life be, as thy temper, Sweet, - By flatterers wearied, when thou seek'st the Shade, - May peace attend thee through the silent Glade, - May all those powers that heavenly virtue Bless, - Improve thy mind, nor make thy beauty Less, - But if impatience for sublimer Joy, - Prompt thee to call on death, may death be Coy. - - -_Epitaph in Stepney Church-Yard._ - - Here lies the body of John Saul, - Spital-fields weaver, and that's all. - - -_On Wine._ - - I was last night a god. How! Can't you divine? - I was raised up to heaven by bumpers of wine. - - -_A Drunken Man._ - - How can I forbear from dancing? - See the stars above me prancing, - Moon and planets to my thinking, - Just have had a bout of drinking - And are setting at defiance - All the laws of musty science. - Yonder poplar, tall and taper, - Round and round me cuts a caper; - Oaks and elms, and firs and birches, - Hedges, houses, steeples, churches, - All to-night are drunk together, - And dance as lightly as a feather. - I will dance, none dare refuse me, - The world's example must excuse me. - - -_To a Lady that Painted._ - - Best of all things sure is water. - So says Pindar; you say, nay-- - But detest it worse than slaughter, - For your rouge t'would wash away. - - -_To the Painter of a Lady's Portrait._ - - Much hast thou done with talents rare, - But more is left behind; - I see the body of the fair, - But where's her fairer mind? - - -_Take care of the Pence._ - - Nancy this doctrine early learned, - Small savings make great profit; - So she the smallest small-coal burned, - And very little of it. - - Her stove and chimney-piece Ned sees, - And each provokes his ire! - He calleth this--her marble freeze, - And that--her small cold fire. - - Indeed, the very child [query, chill'd] who'd been - One winter's evening by her grate - Would learn the difference between - A great fire and a fire-grate. - - -_A new Fire Escape._ - - The house was on fire; Zeno, circled in flame, - In vain called for aid,--sure no case e'er was sadder; - He escaped. Tell me how? Why, Antimachus came - And lent him the use of his nose for a ladder. - - -_On a Miser._ - - A poor man went to hang himself, - But treasure chanced to find; - He pocketed the miser's pelf, - And left the rope behind. - - His money gone, the miser tied - Himself up in despair; - Thus each the other's wants supplied, - And that was only fair. - - * * * * * - - Have you read Shakespeare's works, my friend? Ned says. - His works! no never--but I have his plays. - - -_Lines written in a Lady's Album._ - - Yes, I shall live! the voice of fame - Will not be lost to me and mine, - Since, lady, I may write my name - Upon this spotless leaf of thine. - - The eager hands of future ages - Will catch the volume left by thee; - And those who dwell within its pages - Will gain an immortality. - - -_Lines written under the foregoing._ - - And is it thus you hope for fame? - Fame like this! alas! what is it? - To give some idle thought a name, - That some good-natured friend may quiz it. - - This constant craving--itch of soul-- - For praise and fame makes those who catch it - Like parrots--who still stretch a pole, - That passers-by may kindly scratch it. - - -_From a Tombstone in Ballyporeen Church-yard._ - - Here, at length I repose-- - And my spirit at aise is-- - With the tips of my toes, - And the point of my nose, - Turned up to the roots of the daisies. - - * * * * * - - Where spades grow bright, and idle swords grow dull; - Where gaols are empty, and where barns are full; - Where church-paths are with frequent feet outworn, - Law court-yards weedy, silent, and forlorn; - Where doctors foot it, and where farmers ride; - Where age abounds, and youth is multiplied; - Where these signs are, they clearly indicate - A happy people, a well-governed state. - - -_A Cure for Love._ - - Hunger and time will quench the flame - That burns on Cupid's altar; - But if both fail its strength to tame, - The certain cure's the halter. - - -_The Cynic's Home._ - - No single land my country call, - No single house my home; - But home and country, name them all - That shield me when I come. - - -_On a Flatterer._ - - You attack me when absent with slanderous tongue, - But thus fail to injure my name; - Your flattery, when present, I feel is the wrong, - For your praise is my grief and my shame. - - - John's wife complains, that John discourses - And thinks of nothing else but horses. - Whilst John, a caustic wag, - Says, it is wonderful to see - How thoroughly their tastes agree, - For, that his wife, as well as he, - Most dearly loves a (k)nag. - - -_On the Gout._ - - Venus and Bacchus both combine - To weaken man with love and wine; - But worse than them we find, no doubt, - Their still more weakening son, the gout. - - -_To a Man with a long Nose._ - - Should you e'er stand with open mouth, - And turn your face exactly south, - The shadow your huge nose must throw - On your wide teeth, the hour will show. - - * * * * * - - Said Sam, Although my body weigh - Full sixteen stone, I swear, - Whatever people think or say, - My heart is light as air. - - It is a likely thing enough, - That such result should follow: - The body he takes care to stuff, - Whereas the heart--is hollow. - - -_On a Morose Man._ - - So stern in death was Timon's ghost, - Pluto ran off for fear he'd fight him; - And even Cerberus left his post, - In mortal terror lest he'd bite him. - - -_On the Statue of an Ox._ - - So wondrous Myron's art is shown, - That, by the gods, we vow, - The statue harness wants alone, - To quit its base, and plough. - - -_On Bentley, Milton's Critic._ - - Did Milton's prose, O Charles! thy death defend? - A furious foe, unconscious, proves a friend; - On Milton's verse does Bentley comment? know, - A weak officious friend becomes a foe. - While he would seem his author's fame to further, - The murderous critic has avenged thy murder. - - -_On the inimitable Miss Steele, eldest daughter of Sir Richard Steele, -afterwards the Right Hon. Lady Trevor._ - -BY MR. PHILLIPS. - - Oh! for ever could I dwell upon the name. - Fair nymph, on whom kind nature has dispensed - The mother's beauty, and the father's sense - The piercing dart this moment do I feel, - For sure the wound is mortal that's from Steele. - - -_Franconian Proverbs_--(_From the German._) - - Nor linen, maid, or money try, - Unless there's daylight in the sky. - - Mishap rides up in spur and boot, - And always slinks away on foot. - - Be the diamond e'er so fine, - It may not without tinsel shine. - - In culprit's house, thou shalt not hope - To win thy suit, by talk of rope. - - Much cumbers us a flowing dress; - Much cumbers wealth our happiness. - - Who far away for wife shall roam, - Or starts a cheat, or brings one home. - - He that's a good roof o'er his head, - Is a sad fool to leave his bed. - - He that is prompt to pay a bill, - Shall find his coffers promptly fill. - - Break not your egg, and you are wise, - Before your salt beside it lies. - - If you would gently sink to rest, - Mount guard on tongue, and eye, and breast. - - - - - WHOEVER READS THIS LITTLE BOOK - OF JESTS - - -Should at once enter their names as Subscribers to - - [Illustration: THE NORTHERN MAGAZINE] - - THE PRICE FOR ONE YEAR'S SUBSCRIPTION IS - ONLY $1.25, - PUBLISHED MONTHLY. - -The NORTHERN MAGAZINE is the most desirable Family Paper, in the best -sense of the word, ever published in this country. - -The NORTHERN MAGAZINE contains the prettiest pictures, the best -portraits, the most instructive designs, and the funniest caricatures. - -The NORTHERN MAGAZINE contains the most able leading articles, the most -interesting sketches of natural history, the most valuable biographies, -the most beautiful poems, the most funny stories, the most thrilling -adventures, the most valuable information, the most curious novelties, -the most pleasing family articles, and the funniest jests to be found in -any Magazine in Europe or America. - -The NORTHERN MAGAZINE is the handsomest paper in America, both as -regards printing and engraving. - -The best artists in the country draw for it. - -Some of the ablest men in the country, who write for no other -publication, contribute regularly to the columns of the NORTHERN -MAGAZINE. - -The first poets in the land, including the names of T. B. Aldrich, -William Winter, and others, are engaged to write for it. - - The celebrated McArone, and Garry O'Neil, - etc., etc., write for it. - - Address - - FRANK BELLEW, - - 39 Park Row, New-York. - - -Transcriber's Notes: - -Italics are denoted by _underscores_. - -Original spelling has been retained, unless it's clearly a printer's -error. The following changes have been made: - -Jest 76: or causing any beacon to be fired (be added); - -Jest 351 was numbered 451--this is corrected. - -Jest 632: in sending him a message (original: messuage) - -Jest 674: if we fight, according to all appearances (original: -apearances) - -Jest 714: Look if there be not a hole in the bottom (original: whole). - -In the Preface, some text is not visible. This text has been replaced -by a long em-dash: "those youngsters who now collect ---- and our -knees". - -Inconsistent spelling of words has been retained (e.g. ale-house and -alehouse, behind-hand and behindhand). - -Mismatched quotes are not fixed if it's not sufficiently clear where -the missing quote should be placed. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Joe Miller's Jests, With Copious -Additions, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOE MILLER'S JESTS *** - -***** This file should be named 43326.txt or 43326.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/3/3/2/43326/ - -Produced by David Edwards, Joke Van Dorst and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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