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diff --git a/43326-h/43326-h.htm b/43326-h/43326-h.htm index 64e3b4f..d62aa24 100644 --- a/43326-h/43326-h.htm +++ b/43326-h/43326-h.htm @@ -2,7 +2,7 @@ "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> <html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> <head> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> <title> The Project Gutenberg eBook of Joe Miller's Jests with Copious Additions, by Frank Bellew. @@ -180,52 +180,7 @@ padding-right: .5em;} </head> <body> - - -<pre> - -Project Gutenberg's Joe Miller's Jests, With Copious Additions, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Joe Miller's Jests, With Copious Additions - -Author: Various - -Contributor: Joe Miller - -Editor: Frank Bellew - -Release Date: July 27, 2013 [EBook #43326] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOE MILLER'S JESTS *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards, Joke Van Dorst and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - - - - +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43326 ***</div> <h1>JOE MILLER’S JESTS,<br /> @@ -314,7 +269,7 @@ have on the filial respect of their sons a generation hence, when they will cease to be the respected wits and become the beloved impostors.</p> <p>This volume not only contains the jests of Joe Miller, but a large -number of others, gathered from collections of Facetić previously and +number of others, gathered from collections of Facetiæ previously and since published. But to the bookworm and student of Jokology, it will be sufficient to say that the first one hundred and ninety-eight jokes comprise the whole of the genuine edition.</p> @@ -1200,7 +1155,7 @@ burst into this exclamation from Virgil:</p> <div class="poetry"> <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse">Mantua, vć miserć nimium vicina Cremonć!</div> + <div class="verse">Mantua, væ miseræ nimium vicina Cremonæ!</div> <div class="verse">Ah! miserable Mantua, too near a neighbour to Cremona.</div> </div> </div> @@ -1429,8 +1384,8 @@ words; Learn, O king, to make better choice both of thy friends and of thy foes.</p> -<p>117. A soldier was bragging before Julius Cćsar of -the wounds he had received in his face. Cćsar, knowing +<p>117. A soldier was bragging before Julius Cæsar of +the wounds he had received in his face. Cæsar, knowing him to be a coward, told him he had best take heed the next time he ran away, how he looked back.</p> @@ -3231,9 +3186,9 @@ you’ll find him.</p> <p>305. An English gentleman travelling to France, had -made choice of an abbé as reckless as himself, for the +made choice of an abbĂ© as reckless as himself, for the companion of his pleasures. One of his countrymen told -him, That though the abbé and he differed about the +him, That though the abbĂ© and he differed about the way to heaven, they were in a fair way of going to the devil together.</p> @@ -3976,10 +3931,10 @@ white. To which he replied, It would make a younger man than I am look grey, to have been so long in disgrace with your majesty as I have.</p> -<p>371. Upon the death of the famous Moličre, a poet -waiting with his epitaph upon the Prince of Condé, the +<p>371. Upon the death of the famous Molière, a poet +waiting with his epitaph upon the Prince of CondĂ©, the Prince told him, he should have been much better pleased, -if Moličre had brought him his.</p> +if Molière had brought him his.</p> <p>372. A bishop going in great haste to Rome, to be cardinalized, missed his promotion, and returned; but @@ -6317,7 +6272,7 @@ said she, confusedly, I always read so, I am left-handed.</p> <p>604. Quin being one day in a coffee-house, saw a young -beau enter, in an elegant negligée dress, quite languid +beau enter, in an elegant negligĂ©e dress, quite languid with the heat of the day. Waiter, said the coxcomb, in an affected faint voice, Waiter, fetch me a dish of coffee, weak as water, and cool as a zephyr! Quin, in a @@ -6518,16 +6473,16 @@ massa, said he, head work.</p> gave frequent entertainments, to which the foreign ministers were constantly invited, not excepting the ambassador of France, with whose nation we were then on the -point of breaking. In return, the Abbé de Ville, the +point of breaking. In return, the AbbĂ© de Ville, the French ambassador, as constantly invited the English and Austrian ambassadors upon the like occasions. The -Abbé was a man of vivacity, and fond of punning. Agree<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span>able +AbbĂ© was a man of vivacity, and fond of punning. Agree<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span>able to this humour, he one day proposed a toast in these terms: “The Rising Sun, my master,” alluding to the device and motto of Louis XIV.; which was pledged by the whole company. It came then to the Baron de Reisback’s turn to give a toast; and he, to countenance the -Abbé, proposed the Moon, in compliment to the empress +AbbĂ©, proposed the Moon, in compliment to the empress queen; which was greatly applauded. The turn then came to the Earl of Stair, on whom all eyes were fastened; but that nobleman, whose presence of mind never @@ -7051,7 +7006,7 @@ better.</p> <p>673. A late wit, at the time when the revolutionary -names of the months (Thermidor, Floréal, Nivose, &c.) +names of the months (Thermidor, FlorĂ©al, Nivose, &c.) were adopted in France, proposed to extend the innovation to our own language, somewhat on the following<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[139]</a></span> model: Freezy, Sneezy, Breezy, Wheezy; Showery, @@ -7788,7 +7743,7 @@ will be time enough to do that when they strike.</p> <p>753. Sir Charles F—— received a severe injury one day in stepping into his cabriolet. Whereabouts were you hurt, Sir Charles? said Sir Peter L——; was it near -the vertebrć? No, no, answered the baronet, it was +the vertebræ? No, no, answered the baronet, it was near the Monument.</p> @@ -8314,14 +8269,14 @@ town belongs to your highness by divine law, and by human law. And by cannon law, too, added Henry.</p> -<p>809. The Marquis St. André applied to Louvois, the +<p>809. The Marquis St. AndrĂ© applied to Louvois, the war-minister of Louis XIV., for a small place then vacant. Louvois having received some complaints against the marquis, refused to comply. The nobleman, somewhat nettled, rather hastily said, If I were to enter again into the service, I know what I would do. And pray what would you do? inquired the minister in a -furious tone. St. André recollected himself, and had the +furious tone. St. AndrĂ© recollected himself, and had the presence of mind to say, I would take care to behave in such a manner, that your excellency should have nothing to reproach me with. Louvois, agreeably surprised at @@ -9180,7 +9135,7 @@ list! was the witty rejoinder.</p> dining in Ireland, introduced at dinner remarkably small hock glasses, and at length turning to Swift addressed him,—Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a glass -of <i>hic</i>, <i>hćc</i>, <i>hoc</i>, with you. Sir, rejoined the doctor, I +of <i>hic</i>, <i>hæc</i>, <i>hoc</i>, with you. Sir, rejoined the doctor, I shall be happy to comply, but it must be out of a <i>hujus</i> glass.</p> @@ -9419,11 +9374,11 @@ the father. The reformation of myself, my lord, replied the son.</p> -<p>920. A facetious abbé having engaged a box at the +<p>920. A facetious abbĂ© having engaged a box at the opera-house at Paris, was turned out of his possession by a marshal of France, as remarkable for his ungentlemanlike behaviour as for his cowardice and meanness. -The abbé, for his unjustifiable breach of good manners, +The abbĂ©, for his unjustifiable breach of good manners, brought his action in a court of honour, and solicited permission to be his own advocate, which was granted, when he pleaded to the following effect:—It is not of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[187]</a></span> @@ -9436,7 +9391,7 @@ at the opera-house, and never took anything else. This most poignant stroke of satire so sensibly convinced the court that he had already inflicted punishment sufficient, that they refused to grant him a verdict—a fine compliment -to the abbé’s wit.</p> +to the abbĂ©’s wit.</p> <p>921. Frederic, conqueror as he was, sustained a severe @@ -9845,11 +9800,11 @@ replied the doctor; but of all noises I think music is the least disagreeable.</p> -<p>960. The Abbé Maury, who had rendered himself obnoxious +<p>960. The AbbĂ© Maury, who had rendered himself obnoxious to the democrats, during the French revolution, was one night seized by the mob, who looked round for a lamp-post to suspend him on. Pray, my good friends, -said the Abbé, were you to hang me to that lamp-post,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[196]</a></span> +said the AbbĂ©, were you to hang me to that lamp-post,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[196]</a></span> do you think that you would see any the clearer for it? This well-timed wit softened the rabble and saved his life.</p> @@ -10303,7 +10258,7 @@ stand covered here.</p> when Professor Engel, who was present, in order to repress his impertinence, said, But, gentlemen, all this amounts to but very little, when I can assure you that -the celebrated organist, Abbé Vogler, once imitated a +the celebrated organist, AbbĂ© Vogler, once imitated a thunder-storm so well, that for miles round all the milk turned sour.</p> @@ -10621,7 +10576,7 @@ lord duke; for it must be of service, in one way or the other.</p> -<p>1024. Cardinal de Bernis, when only an Abbé, solicited +<p>1024. Cardinal de Bernis, when only an AbbĂ©, solicited Cardinal Fleury, then fourscore, for some preferment. Fleury told him fairly, he should never have anything in his time. Bernis replied, <i>Monseigneur, j’attendrai</i> [My @@ -10705,7 +10660,7 @@ Madam, I thought so yesterday.</p> <p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[214]</a></span></p> -<p>1034. The <i>spretć injuria formć</i> is the greatest with a +<p>1034. The <i>spretæ injuria formæ</i> is the greatest with a woman. A man of rank, hearing that two of his female relations had quarrelled, asked, Did they call each other ugly? No. Well, well; I shall soon reconcile them.</p> @@ -10776,7 +10731,7 @@ to the grotesqueness of the scene.</p> <p>1040. The Duke of Orleans, the regent, had four daughters, distinguished by the names of the Four Cardinal Sins. A wag wrote on their mother’s tomb, <i>Cy -gist l’Oisiveté</i>, [Here lies Idleness,] which, you know, is +gist l’OisivetĂ©</i>, [Here lies Idleness,] which, you know, is termed the mother of all the vices.</p> @@ -10789,7 +10744,7 @@ to visit his sister, who was married and settled at Paris.—He arrived while there was a large company at dinner. The servant announced M. Robinson, and he came in, to the great amazement of the guests. Among others, a -French abbé thrice lifted his fork to his mouth, and +French abbĂ© thrice lifted his fork to his mouth, and thrice laid it down, with an eager stare of surprise. Unable to restrain his curiosity any longer, he burst out with, Excuse me, sir, are you the famous Robinson @@ -10841,7 +10796,7 @@ But Pennant escaped, from superior local knowledge. A wag called this “Pennant’s Tour in Chester.”</p> -<p>1045. The harengčres, or fish-women at Paris, form a +<p>1045. The harengères, or fish-women at Paris, form a sort of body-corporate. In the time of Louis XIV. the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[217]</a></span> Dauphin having recovered from a long illness, the fish-women deputed four of their troop to offer their congratulations. @@ -10856,7 +10811,7 @@ ill-judged compliment; when another of the deputation, with a ready wit, regained his good graces, by adding, True; we should have lost our all—for our good king could never have survived his son, and would doubtless -have died of grief. The <i>naďf</i> policy of this unexpected +have died of grief. The <i>naĂŻf</i> policy of this unexpected turn was much admired.</p> @@ -10958,7 +10913,7 @@ pocket, and never saw it.</p> quickness of reply, a gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth, they were generally stupid and dull when they advanced in years, and -<i>vice versâ</i>. What a very sensible boy, sir, must you +<i>vice versâ</i>. What a very sensible boy, sir, must you have been! returned the child.</p> @@ -13450,7 +13405,7 @@ I give my ears, to you my eyes and heart.</div> <p class="p2 center"><i>The disappointed Husband.</i></p> -<p class="center"><i>Mulieri ne crede, ne mortuć quidem.</i></p> +<p class="center"><i>Mulieri ne crede, ne mortuæ quidem.</i></p> <div class="poetry"> <div class="stanza"> @@ -14033,13 +13988,13 @@ Dublin, at the host’s request.</i></p> </div> -<p class="p2 center"><i>Occasioned by seeing some verses on Cćlia, written on a pane +<p class="p2 center"><i>Occasioned by seeing some verses on Cælia, written on a pane of Glass.</i></p> <div class="poetry"> <div class="stanza"> <div class="verse">Well hast thou drawn, fond youth, in properest place,</div> - <div class="verse">The short-lived beauties of false Cćlia’s face.</div> + <div class="verse">The short-lived beauties of false Cælia’s face.</div> <div class="verse">When words’ obscurities thy sense o’er-shade,</div> <div class="verse">The place gives light to what thou wouldst have said.</div> <div class="verse">Bright as this lucid glass her eyes now seem,</div> @@ -14581,7 +14536,7 @@ round the work.</i></p> </div> -<p class="p2 center"><i>Written in the ‘Nouveaux Intéręts des Princes de l’Europe.’</i></p> +<p class="p2 center"><i>Written in the ‘Nouveaux IntĂ©rĂŞts des Princes de l’Europe.’</i></p> <div class="poetry"> <div class="stanza"> @@ -14612,7 +14567,7 @@ this motto</i>, Aura veni.</p> <div class="poetry"> <div class="stanza"> - <div class="verse">Come, gentle air, th’Ćolian shepherd said,</div> + <div class="verse">Come, gentle air, th’Æolian shepherd said,</div> <div class="verse">While Procris panted in the sacred shade;</div> <div class="verse">Come, gentle air, the fairer Delia cries,</div> <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[280]</a></span> @@ -15326,384 +15281,6 @@ by a long em-dash: ‘those youngsters who now collect —— and ou the missing quote should be placed.</p> </div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Joe Miller's Jests, With Copious -Additions, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOE MILLER'S JESTS *** - -***** This file should be named 43326-h.htm or 43326-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/3/3/2/43326/ - -Produced by David Edwards, Joke Van Dorst and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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