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diff --git a/43253-0.txt b/43253-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..365d749 --- /dev/null +++ b/43253-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1225 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43253 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. +VOL. 108. +MARCH 30, 1895. + + + + +[Illustration: "ANIMAL SPIRITS." + +No. IX.--AWKWARD POSITION OF HIPPOLICEMAN AMONG THE WILD BULLS AND BEARS +IN THROGMORTON STREET. + +(_Vide Papers, March 22._)] + + * * * * * + + AN ELECTION ADDRESS. + + [Mr. RIDER HAGGARD has become the accepted Conservative + candidate for a Norfolk constituency. The following is + understood to be an advance copy of his Address.] + + Intelligent electors, may I venture to present + Myself as an aspirant for a seat in Parliament? + The views of those opponents who despise a novelist, + Are but the foggy arguments of People of the Mist! + + No writer, I assure you, can produce a better claim, + A greater versatility, a more substantial fame; + My candidature, though opposed by all the yellow gang, + Has won the hearty sympathy of Mr. ANDREW LANG. + + And if what my opinions are you'd really like to know, + They're issued at a modest price by LONGMANS, GREEN, & CO.; + The Eight Hours Bill, for instance, I'm prepared to speak upon + From a practical acquaintance with the Mines of Solomon. + + Whatever my intentions as to Woman's Rights may be, + I yield to none in honouring the great immortal She; + While, as to foreign policy, though Blue Books make you yawn, + You'll find the subject treated most attractively in _Dawn_. + + When I am placed in Parliament, I'll speak with fluent skill, + And show (like Mr. MEESON) I've a most effective will; + And if there is a special point for which I mean to fight, + It is for legislation to protect my copyright. + + If chance debate to matters in South Africa should tend, + My anecdotes will cause the Speaker's wig to stand on end; + And if an opportunity occurs, I'll rouse the lot + By perorating finely in impassioned Hottentot! + + So, Gentlemen, I beg you, let my arguments prevail, + Shame would it be if such a cause through apathy should fail, + Shame on the false elector who his honest duty shirks! + Believe me, Yours. + The Author of _She_, _Dawn_, and other works. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTED REVIVAL OF AN OLD FORM OF PUNISHMENT FOR FUTURE OBSTRUTIONIST +SPECULATORS IN THROGMORTONIAN KAFFIR LAND.--"Put 'em in the Stocks." + + * * * * * + + "WHEN ARTHUR FIRST AT COURT." + +Last week the Court Theatre was advertised as a "Company, Limited." The +cast in the bill was given as Chairman, ARTHUR W. PINERO; First +Director, Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN (with a song?); Second Director, HERBERT +BENNETT (Director also of HARROD'S Stores, Limited, the success of which +establishment has been so great as to now out-HARROD HARROD); and then +ARTHUR CHUDLEIGH (who was jointly lessee at one time with Mrs. JOHN +WOOD), as Director and Acting Manager. The Solicitor is down as ARTHUR +B. CHUBB ("little fish are sweet"), and the Secretary is Mr. A. +(presumably ARTHUR?) S. DUNN. Most appropriate this name to finish with; +"and now my story's DUNN." Fortunate omen, too, that there are two "n's" +in DUNN, which otherwise is a word associated with a Court not quite so +cheerful as the Court Theatre. + +But the curious note about it is the preponderance of "ARTHURS." ARTHUR +PINERO, ARTHUR SULLIVAN, ARTHUR CHUDLEIGH, ARTHUR CHUBB, and ARTHUR (?) +DUNN. If they have power to add to their number, why not take in ARTHUR +JONES, ARTHUR LLOYD, and ARTHUR ROBERTS? That would make the Dramatic +ARTHURS and the Musical ARTHURS about equal. + +MATILDA CHARLOTTE WOOD is mentioned as having had an agreement with one +of the ARTHURS yclept CHUDLEIGH, and probably also a disagreement too, +as their once highly prosperous joint management came to an end. But now +"she will return," at least, everyone hopes so, as, after her capital +performance of the Sporting Duchess at Drury Lane, she has shown us that +she is as fresh and as great an attraction as ever. Some of the ARTHURS +will write for her, one ARTHUR will compose for her, two ARTHURS will +act and sing with her, and ARTHUR, the managing director, will direct +and manage her. May every success attend the venture! But how about +authors and composers offering their work to so professional a board of +directors? Doesn't _Sir Fretful Plagiary's_ objection to sending his +play in to the manager of Drury Lane, namely, that "he writes himself." +hold good nowadays? Hum. A difficulty, most decidedly; still, not +absolutely insuperable. + + * * * * * + + Which Settles It. + +_Over-enthusiastic Person_ (_speaking confidentially of his absent +Friend to the young Lady to whom absent friend is going to propose_). +Everybody speaks in his praise. He is an exceptionally good man. + +_Sharp Young Lady._ Ah, then he is "too good to be true." I shall refuse +him! [_Exit separately._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MUSIC HATH CHARMS." + +H.R.H. THE DUKE, ACCOMPANIED BY DRUMMER-BOY HERBERT GLADSTONE, LEADS THE +SUNDAY PARK BAND. + +"The Duke of CAMBRIDGE takes the liveliest personal interest in the +proposal made by Mr. JOHN AIRD, and supported by Mr. HERBERT GLADSTONE, +First Commissioner of Works, that military bands should perform in the +Royal Parks on suitable occasions during the season."--_Daily Telegraph, +March 20._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: QUITE A CATCH. + +_Young Splinter_ (_driving Nervous Old Party to Covert_). "YES, I LOVE A +BARGAIN IN HORSEFLESH! NOW, IF YOU BELIEVE ME, I PICKED THIS LITTLE +BEGGAR UP THE OTHER DAY FOR A MERE SONG. BOLTED WITH A TRAP--KICKED +EVERYTHING TO SMASH. BID THE FELLOW A TENNER FOR HER, AND THERE SHE IS!" +[_Old Party begins to feel that "'E don' know where 'e are," or will be +presently._] + + * * * * * + + "MUSIC HATH CHARMS." + + A SONG FOR A SUMMER DAY, 1895. + + (_A Very Long Way after Dryden._) + + ["Mr. HERBERT GLADSTONE, in reply to Mr. AIRD, said he was glad + to tell the hon. gentleman that he had been informed by his + Royal Highness the Duke of CAMBRIDGE that arrangements were + being made for a military band to play in Hyde Park on certain + days in summer."--_Parliamentary Report._] + + I. + + In harmony, in public harmony, + This bit of pleasant news began. + St. Stephen's underneath a heap + Of burning questions lay. + When HERBERT raised his head + His tuneful voice was heard on high, + And this is what it said: + That Great GEORGE RANGER could descry + A chance of making a big leap + To pop-u-lar-i-ty. + That Music's power should have full summer sway, + And the bands begin to play! + With harmony, with general harmony, + Around the information ran + That harmony, sweet harmony, + Should stay mere rumpus with its rataplan, + And make Hyde Park a pleasant place to Man! + + II. + + What passion cannot Music raise and quell? + When HERBERT thumps the side-drum well + The listening nursemaids well may stand around, + A-wondering at that curly swell, + A-worshipping the rattling sound. + Less than a dook they think can hardly dwell + In that drum major's toffy togs. + He startles even the stray dogs! + What passion cannot Music raise and quell? + + III. + + The populace charms, + The kettledrum-banger + The baby alarms. + At the double, double, double beat + Of young GLADSTONE'S drum + The Socialist spouters from back street and slum + Cry, "Hark! our foes come! + Way oh! _We_'ad better retreat!" + + IV. + + The shrill and sprightly flute + Startles the seculurist spouts and shovers. + The crowds of music-lovers + Flock to its sound and leave tub-thumpers mute. + + V. + + Dark Anarchists proclaim + Their jealous pangs and desperation, + Fury, frantic indignation, + Depths of spite and heights of passion. + Music mars _their_ little game. + + VI. + + Yes, Music's art can teach + Better than savage ungrammatic speech. + Young HERBERT let us praise, + "The dear Dook" let us love. + The weary wayfarer, the wan-faced slummer, + Beneath the spell of Music and the Drummer, + Feel rataplans and rubadubs to raise + Their souls sour spleen above. + + VII. + + "Orpheus could lead the savage race, + And trees uprooted left their place, + Sequacious of the lyre."-- + Precisely, Glorious JOHN! Yet 'twere no lark + To see the trees cavorting round the Park. + No! Our CECILIA'S aim is even higher. + To soothe the savage (Socialistic) breast, + Set Atheist and Anarchist at rest, + And to abate the spouting-Stiggins pest + Young HERBERT and grey GEORGE may well aspire. + The "Milingtary Dook"'s permission's given + That the Park-Public's breast, be-jawed and beered, + May by the power of harmony be cheered, + And lifted nearer heaven! + + GRAND CHORUS. + + (_By a Grateful Crowd._) + + "This 'ere's the larkiest of lays! + Things _do_ begin to move! + 'ERBERT and GEORGY let us praise, + And all the powers above. + We've spent a reglar pleasant 'our + Music like this the Mob devour. + Yah! Anerchy is all my heye. + That cornet tootles scrumptiously. + Go it, young GLADSTING! Don't say die + Dear Dook, but 'ave another try. + 'Armony makes disorder fly + And Music tunes hus to the sky! + + * * * * * + + "THE 'KEY-NOTE'-ORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH." + +[Illustration: The Dowdy Mrs. Ebbsmith makes it hot for her young man.] + +MR. PINERO'S new play at the Garrick Theatre is a series of scenes in +dialogue with only one "situation," which comes at the end of the third +act, and was evidently intended to be utterly unconventional, dreadfully +daring, and thrillingly effective. "Unconventional?" Yes. "Daring?" +Certainly; for to burn a bible might have raised a storm of sibilation. +But why dare so much to effect so little? For at the reading, or during +rehearsal, there must have been very considerable hesitation felt by +everybody, author included, as to the fate of this risky situation--this +"_momentum unde pendet_"--and for which nothing, either in the character +or in the previous history of the heroine, has prepared us. Her earliest +years have been passed in squalor; she has made a miserable marriage; +then she has become a Socialist ranter, and hopes to achieve a triumph +as a Socialist demagogue. Like Maypole Hugh in _Barnaby Rudge_ she would +go about the world shrieking "No property! No property!" and when, in a +weak moment, she consents to temporarily drop her "mission," she goes to +another extreme and comes out in an evening dress--I might say almost +comes out _of_ an evening dress, so egregiously _décolleté_ is it--to +please the peculiar and, apparently, low taste of her lover, who is a +married man,--"which well she knows it," as Mrs. GAMP observes,--but +with whom she is living, and with whom, like GRANT ALLEN'S _The Woman +who did_ (a lady whom in many respects Mr. PINERO'S heroine closely +resembles), and who came to grief in doing it, she intends to continue +living. This man, her paramour, she trusts will be her partner in the +socialistic regeneration of the human race. At the close of the third +act _Mrs. Ebbsmith_, being such as the author of her being has made her, +is presented with a bible, and, in a fit of ungovernable fury, she +pitches it into the stove "with all her might and main"; and then it +suddenly occurs to her that she has committed some terrible crime (more +probably it occurred to the author that _he_ had committed the +unpardonable sin of offending his audience)--and so she shoots out her +arm into a nice, cool-looking stove (suggestive of no sort of danger to +her or the book), and drags out the pocket volume apparently quite as +uninjured as is her own hand at the moment, though this is subsequently +carefully bound up with a white handkerchief in the last act. +Well--that's all. There is _the_ situation. The Key-note-orious _Mrs. +Ebbsmith_ is supposed to repent of her sins against society; and off she +goes to become the companion of the unmarried parson and of the lively +widow his sister. What the result of this arrangement will be is pretty +clear. The Key-note-orious One will soon be the parson's bride; but +"that is another story." + +To carry out this drama of inaction, as it is schemed, should occupy +eight persons something under two hours; but it takes thirteen persons +three hours to carry it along. Five of these _dramatis personæ_ are +superfluous; and much time is wasted on dialogues in Italian and French +that could be "faked up" from any conversation-book in several +languages, and evidently only lugged in under the mistaken impression +that thereby a touch of "local colour" is obtained. + +As it is the audience wearies of the long speeches, and there is nothing +in the action that can rouse them as there was in _The Second Mrs. +Tanqueray_, a play that Mr. PINERO has not yet equalled, much less +surpassed. + +But what is a real pleasure, and what will attract all lovers of good +acting, is, first of all, Mr. FORBES ROBERTSON'S admirable impersonation +of the difficult, unsympathetic _rôle_ of a despicably selfish, +self-conceited, cowardly prig; and, secondly, to a certain extent, the +rendering of the heroine by Mrs. PATRICK CAMPBELL, who, however, does +not come within measurable distance of her former self as _Mrs. +Tanqueray_--her "great stove scene" being about the weakest point in her +performance. But there cannot be a divided opinion as to the perfect +part given to Mr. JOHN HARE, and as to the absolutely perfect manner in +which it is played by this consummate artist in character. All the +scenes in which he appears are admirably conceived by the author, and as +admirably interpreted by the actor. + +Mr. HARE'S performance of the _Duke of St. Olpherts_ is a real gem, +ranking among the very best things he has ever done, and I may even add +"going one better." It is on his acting, and on the acting of the scenes +in which he appears, that the ultimate popularity of the piece must +depend. The theatrical stove-cum-book situation may tell with some +audiences better than with others, but it is not an absolute certainty; +while every scene in which the _Duke of St. Olpherts_ takes part, as +long as this character is played by Mr. HARE, is in itself an absolute +isolated triumph. Mr. AUBREY SMITH, as the modern young English +moustached parson, _en voyage_, with his pipe, and bible in his pocket +(is he a _colporteur_ of some Biblical Society, with a percentage on the +sale? otherwise the book is an awkward size to carry about, especially +if he has also a _Murray_ with him), is very true to life, at all events +in manner and appearance; and Miss JEFFREYS, as his sister, who looks +just as if she had walked out of a fashion-plate in _The Gentlewoman_, +or some lady's journal, plays discreetly and with considerable +self-repression. Of course it will remain one of the notable pieces of +the year; but what will keep it green in the memory of playgoers is not +the story, nor its heroine, nor its hero, but the captivating +impersonation of the _Duke of St. Olpherts_ by Mr. JOHN HARE. + +[Illustration: Transformation Scene. The Rowdy-Dowdy Mrs. Ebbsmith +fascinates the Dook.] + + * * * * * + + THE GAME OF DRAUGHTS. + + (_By One who has Played it._) + +Assume that I am living in Yokohama Gardens (before the pleasant change +from winter to spring), and that I am conscious of the near approach of +the North Pole. The fires in the grates seem to be lukewarm, and even +the coals are frozen. My servants have told me that the milk had to be +melted before it could adorn the breakfast-table; and as for the butter, +it is as hard as marble. There is only one thing to do, to send for that +worthy creature Mr. LOPSIDE, an individual "who can turn his hand to +anything." + +"Well Sir," Mr. LOPSIDE arrives and observes after a few moments spent +in careful consideration of the subject from various points of view, "of +course you feel the cold because there is five-and-twenty degrees of +frost just outside." + +I admit that Mr. LOPSIDE'S opinion is reasonable; and call his attention +to the fact that a newspaper which is lying on the floor some five yards +from a closed door is violently agitated. + +"I see Sir," says he promptly. "If you will wait a moment I will tell +you more about it." + +He takes off his coat, throws down a bag of tools (his chronic +companion), and lies flat on the floor. Then he places his right ear to +the ground and listens intently, pointing the while to the newspaper +that has now ceased to suffer from agitation. + +"There you are, Sir!" he exclaims triumphantly. "There's a draught +there. I could feel it distinctly." + +He rises from the ground, reassumes his overcoat, and once more +possesses himself of his bag of useful instruments. + +"Well, what shall I do?" I ask. + +"Well, you see Sir, it's not for the likes of me to advise gentry folk +like you. I wouldn't think of presuming upon such a liberty." + +"Not at all, Mr. LOPSIDE," I explain with some anxiety. + +"Then Sir--mind you, if it's not taking too much of a liberty--I would, +having draughts, get rid of them. And you have draughts about, now +haven't you?" + +I hasten to assure him that I am convinced that my house is a perfect +nest of draughts. + +"Don't you be too sure until I have tested them," advises Mr. LOPSIDE. + +Then the ingenious creature again divests himself of his overcoat and +workman's bag and commences his labours. He visits every door in the +house and tries it. He assumes all sorts of attitudes. Now he appears +like JESSIE BROWN at Lucknow listening to the distant slogan of the +coming Highlanders. Now like a colleague of GUY FAWKES noting the tread +of Lord MONTEAGLE on the road to the gunpowder cellar beneath the Houses +of Parliament. His attitudes, if not exactly graceful, are full of +character. + +"There are draughts everywhere," says Mr. LOPSIDE, having come to the +end of his investigations. + +"And what shall I do?" I ask for the second time. Again my worthy +inspector spends a few minutes in self-communing. + +"It's not for the likes of a poor man like me, Sir, to give advice; but +if I were you, Sir, I would say antiplutocratic tubing." + +"What is antiplutocratic tubing?" + +"Well, Sir, it's as good a thing as you can have, under all the +circumstances. But don't have antiplutocratic tubing because I say so. I +may be wrong, Sir." + +"No, no, Mr. LOPSIDE," I reply, in a tone of encouragement. "I am sure +you are right. Do you think you could get me some antiplutocratic +tubing, and put it up for me?" + +"Why, of course I could, Sir!" returns my worthy helper, in the tone of +a more than usually benevolent Father Christmas. Then he seems to lose +heart and become despondent. "But there, Sir, it's not for the likes of +me to say anything." + +However, I persuade Mr. LOPSIDE to take a more cheerful view of his +position, and to undertake the job. + +For the next three hours there is much hammering in all parts of the +house. My neighbours must imagine that I have taken violently to +spiritual manifestations. Wherever I wander I find my worthy assistant +hard at work covering the borders of the doors with a material that +looks like elongated eels in a condition of mummification--if I may be +permitted to use such an expression. Now he is standing on a ledge level +with the hall lamp; now he is reclining sideways beside an +entrance-protecting rug; now he is hanging by the bannisters midway +between two landings. The day grows apace. It is soon afternoon, and +rapidly becomes night. When the lights are beginning to appear in the +streets without, Mr. LOPSIDE has done. My house is rescued from the +draughts. + +"You won't be troubled much more, Sir," says he, as he glances +contemptuously at a door embedded in antiplutocratic tubing. "Keep those +shut and the draughts won't get near you--at least so I think, although +I may be wrong. Thank you, Sir. Quite correct. Good evening." + +And he leaves me, muffled up in his overcoat, and still clinging to his +basket, with its burden of saws, hammers, chisels, and nails of various +dimensions. I enter the dining-room with an air of satisfaction as I +hear his echoing footsteps on the pavement without, and attempt to close +the door. It will do almost everything, but it won't shut. I give up the +dining-room, and enter my study. Again, I try to close the door. But no; +it has caught the infection of its neighbour and also declines to close. +I try the doors of the drawing-room, bedroom, and the dressing-room. But +no, my efforts are in vain. None of them will close. The wind howls, and +the draughts rush in with redoubled fury. They triumph meanly in my +despair. + +There is only one thing to do, and I determine to do it. I must send for +Mr. LOPSIDE to take away as soon as possible his antiplutocratic tubing. +After all he was right when he had those, alas! unheeded misgivings. He +said "he might be wrong"--and was! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO LIKELY! + +SCENE--_Bar of a Railway Refreshment Room._ + +_Barmaid._ "TEA, SIR?" + +_Mr. Boosey._ "TEA!!! ME!!!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE SAYS WITHOUT THINKING. + +"I'M SO SORRY YOU'VE HAD TO COME AND DINE WITH US WITHOUT YOUR HUSBAND, +LIZZY. I SUPPOSE THE REAL TRUTH IS THAT, BEING LENT, HE'S DOING PENANCE +BY DINING AT HOME!" + +"OH, NO! I ASSURE YOU! HE THINKS IT A PENANCE TO DINE OUT!"] + + * * * * * + + QUARTER-DAY; OR, DEMAND AND NO SUPPLY. + + _Resentful Ratepayer loquitur:_-- + + "Demand and Supply!" So economists cry, + And one, they assure us, must balance the other. + _I_ fancy their doctrines are just all my eye, + But then I'm a victim of bad times and bother. + At least, friend Aquarius, _you_'ll understand + That Jack Frost and you have between you upset me. + You are down on me--ah! like a shot--with Demand, + But as to Supply--ah! that's just where you get me. + + Water? You frosty old fraud, not a drop, + Save what I have purchased from urchins half frozen, + I've had for six weeks for my house and my shop, + And they tell me the six weeks _may_ swell to a dozen! + Call _that_ Water-Supply, Mister Mulberry Nose? + Why, your oozy old eyelids seem winking in mockery, + My cisterns are empty, my pipes frozen close, + I've nothing for washing my hands, clothes or crockery. + + As to flushing my drain-pipes, or sinks, why you know, + I might as well trust the Sahara for sluicing. + A bath? Yes, at tuppence a pailful or so. + Good gracious! we grudge every tumbler we're using. + Your stand-pipes and tanks compensate for such pranks? + Get out! You _are_ playing it low down, Aquarius. + Be grateful for mercies so small, Sir? No thanks! + My wrongs at your hands have been many and various. + + But these last six weeks, Sir, are just the last straw + That break the strong back of the rate-paying camel, + I do not quite know what's the state of the law, + But _if_ yours is all freedom, and mine is all trammel, + If yours is Demand, and mine is _not_ Supply, + As 'twould seem by the look of that precious rate-paper, + Aquarius, old boy, I have plans in my eye + For checking your pretty monopolist caper. + + Pay up, and look pleasant? Ah yes, that's my rule + For every impost, from Poor Rate to Income. + But paying for what you don't get fits a fool, + Besides, you old Grampus-Grab, whence will the tin come? + Supply discontinued? Aquarius, _that_ threat, + Is losing its terrors. I don't care a penny, + 'Twon't frighten me now into payment, you bet, + When for the last six weeks I haven't had any. + + Whose fault? Well, we'll see. But at least you'll agree + When Supply's undertaken, and paid, in advance, for, + A man expects _something_ for his L. S. D. + Then what have you led me this doose of a dance for? + That question, old Snorter, demands a prompt answer, + And Taurus expects it of you, my Aquarius, + Or else, Sir, by Gemini, _I_ shall turn Cancer, + And then the monopolists mayn't look hilarious. + + How do the Water Rates come to my door? + 'Twould furnish a subject for some brand-new SOUTHEY. + Your dunning Demand Notes are always a bore, + But when one is grubby, half frozen and drouthy, + When cisterns are empty and sinks are unflushed, + And staircases sloppy, and queer smells abounding, + To be by an useless Aquarius rushed + For "immediate payment" is--well, it's astounding. + + How _will_ the water come down through the floor + When mains are unfrozen and pipes are all "busting"? + Why spurting and squirting, with rush and with roar, + The wall-papers staining, the fire-irons rusting, + And rushing, and gushing, and flashing and splashing, + And making a sort of Aix douche of the bedroom, + And comfort destroying, and every hope dashing, + And leaving one scarce a square yard of dry head-room. + + 'Twill leak, spirt and trickle, and, oh _such_ a pickle + Will make of my dwelling, from garret to basement, + Well, that's _after_ thaw. But, by Jove, it _does_ tickle + My fancy, and fill me with angry amazement, + To see you mere standing ice-cool, and demanding + Prompt payment--for what? Why, long waterless worry! + Aquarius, we _must_ have a fresh understanding; + Till then--"Call again!" and _don't be in a hurry!_ + + [_Slams door, and retires in dudgeon._ + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR STOCKBROKERS.--A mine in the Randt is worth two in the Bush. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: QUARTER-DAY; OR, DEMAND AND NO SUPPLY. + +RATEPAYER. "WHAT'S THIS FOR? _WATER!_ WHY I HAVEN'T HAD ANY!"] + + * * * * * + + THE WOMAN WHO WOULDN'T DO. + + (_She-Note Series._) + +The two were seated in an untrammelled Bohemian sort of way on the +imperturbable expanse of the South Downs. Beneath them was a carpet of +sheep-sorrel, its orbicular perianth being slightly depressed by their +healthy weight. In the distance they noticed thankfully the +saucer-shaped combes of paludina limestone rising in pleasant strata to +the rearing scarp of the Weald. PERUGINO ALLAN was the gentleman's name. +He had only met PSEUDONYMIA BAMPTON the day before, but already from +mere community of literary instincts they were life-long friends. She +had reached the trysting-place first. All true modest women do this. + +[Illustration] + +"PSEUDONYMIA!" said PERUGINO, blushing easily to his finger-tips. + +"PERUGINO!" said PSEUDONYMIA, blushing to hers. It was early, of course, +for Christian names, but then the Terewth had made them Free-and-Easy. + +"PERUGINO!" said PSEUDONYMIA, bringing her eyes back from the infinite +to rest without affectation on her simple Greek chiton, "I have often +wanted to meet a real man who had written a book with a key to it on the +back of the cover. Now tell me frankly some more beautiful things about +our present loathsome system of chartered monogamy, so degrading to my +sex. Talk straight on, please, pages at a time. Never mind about +Probability. Terewth is stranger than Probability; and the Terewth, you +know, shall make you Free!" + +PERUGINO sank back into the spongy turf, leaning his cheek against an +upright spike of summer furze of the genus _Ulex Europæus_. "Some +men," he began, "ignoble souls, 'look about' them before they marry. +Such are calculating egoists. Pure souls, of finer paste, are, so to +speak, _born married_. Others hesitate and delay. The difficulties of +teething, a paltry desire to be weaned before the wedding, reluctance +to being married in long clothes, the terrors of croup during the +honeymoon--these and other excuses, thinly veiling hidden depths of +depravity, are employed to defer the divine moment. I have known men to +reach the preposterously ripe age of one-and-twenty unwedded, protesting +that they dare not risk their prospects at the Bar. These men can never +mate like the birds, never be guide-posts to point humanity along the +path of Terewth." + +"But," interrupted PSEUDONYMIA, rose-red to her quivering finger-tips +with shame at the bare mention of marriage; "but I thought you +disapproved of the debasing principle of wedlock." + +"Do not interrupt," said PERUGINO, kindly; "I will come to that two or +three pages later on. To be prudent, I was going to say, is to be +vicious and cruel. Of course it is not given to all to be _born_ +married. But this natal defect one can easily remedy. I knew a young +fellow who did. The indispensable complement crossed his path before it +was too late. He was still at his preparatory school; _he married the +matron_. True, there was disparity of age, but it was a step in the +right direction; though the head-master, a man of common conventional +ideas, gave the boy a severe rebuke. + +"But to push on at once to contradictions. Marriage, I have said +elsewhere, is a degrading system, nurtured under the purple hangings of +the tents of iniquity. In _my_ gospel Love, like Terewth, should be +Free; ever moving on, moving on. Now, Italy is the home----" + +"Ah!" cried PSEUDONYMIA, "Italy! That reminds me of sunburnt Siena. What +a wonderful Peruguinesque chapter that was in your book. Like a leaf +torn out of the live heart of BAEDEKER!" + +"Italy," continued PERUGINO doggedly, "is the home of backgrounds. I +would like everyone to have a background--a past; the more pasts the +better. Is not that a beautiful thought? Ever moving on to something +different!" + +"That has been the dream of my childhood," said PSEUDONYMIA, her white +Cordelia-like soul thrilled through and through with sacred convictions. +A ripe gorse-pod burst in the basking sunlight. ("I never remember +seeing sunlight bask before," she thought.) A bumble-bee said something +inaudible. "But why," she added, "did you never give this pure sentiment +to the world before? You who have written so many many books?" + +"My child," replied the artist, "I was compelled to write down to the +public taste. One must consider one's prospects. This, you will say, +seems to clash with what I said before about calculating egoists. But +profession and practice are ever divorced under our depraved system of +civilisation. At last, having established myself, I rose superior to +sordid avarice, and wrote for once solely to satisfy my own taste and +conscience." + +"A noble sacrifice!" said PSEUDONYMIA, suppressing her dimples for the +moment. "As the physically weaker vessel, I could only have done it +under an assumed name. But tell me of one difficulty which you have so +cleverly avoided in your book. This question of the family. Will not a +confusion arise in another generation when nobody quite knows who and +how many his or her half-brothers and half-sisters are?" + +"PSEUDONYMIA!" said PERUGINO, and his voice broke in two places, "I am +pained. I had thought that you, so pure, so emancipate, would have had a +soul above blithering detail. Besides, do you not see that in this way +the whole world will eventually become one family? _We_ may not live to +see this Millennium, but future Fabians may. What we want is a +protomartyr in the cause. SHELLEY promised well, but he ultimately +reverted to legal wedlock. As for me, I have been deemed unworthy of the +crown. I am, alas! happily married. But you, you are single; why should +you not set to all your sister-slaves a high example of that martyrdom +of which the glory, as well as the inconvenience, has been denied to +me?" + +"Ah, dear PERUGINO!" she cried, visibly affected for the third time to +her finger-tips, "must it ever be so? Profession, as you say, divorced +from practice? Must one more noble name be added to the list of those +that shock the world so fearlessly with their books and live such +despicably blameless lives? I myself, too, am misleading in print. You +judged me by my pseudonymous publications to be single and unscrupulous. +But you were wrong. I also am unequal to the weight of that crown. How +can I be your martyr in the cause--I who these many years have +worshipped the very dust on which my husband deigns to tread? Can you +and I ever be forgiven for thus sinning against the light?" + +PERUGINO rose to go, indignant, disillusioned. "_Et tu_, PSEUDONYMIA?" +he bitterly cried. (She had been at Girton and could follow the +original.) "Then I give you up. You are, I grieve to think, _a woman who +won't do_." And he made a she-note of it. + + * * * * * + + "WITH WHAT PORPOISE?" + + [A porpoise has been seen gambolling in the Thames at Putney.] + +Such a sea on at the North Foreland! Glad to get out of it. Nice river +coming down from somewhere. Must explore it. + +Near some town. No end of oysters about. Oysters say it's Whitstable. +Seem dreadfully depressed. Ask them if the late cold was too much for +them? No, it's not that, they say, but injurious stories have been +circulated about them by medical men. Been called "typhoidal." Nobody +patronises them, and they've "lost their season in town." What do they +mean? + +Off Southend. Friendly sole advises me not to venture further. "Tempt +not the Barking Outfall," he says, and adds that the "water at London +will poison me, and I shall be made into boots." London! Always wanted +to see it. What's the good of being called "a kind of gregarious whale" +by the dictionaries if I avoid society? + +Got past Barking safely! Who is it--BROWNING I think--wrote a poem about +"Sludge, the Medium." Must have written it near Barking. Arrived off +Wanstead Flats. See a respectable man on banks being chivied by a mob. +Told (by a sprat) that "it's Mr. HILLS, of the Thames Ironworks, who's +been helping the unemployed." Now the unemployed seem helping _him!_ +Tower Bridge rather fine. + +Westminster. Big building. Curious scent in air. Told it's the Houses of +Parliament, and scent is eucalyptus, "because of the influenza." Curious +word--wonder what it means. + +Up at Putney. See University Boat-Race, if I can stay long enough. Feel +sleepy. Must be the amount of bad water I've drunk. Knock up against an +ice-floe. Two men in boat try to shoot me. _They_ seem unemployed. Do +they want to make me into soup for the poor? Not if I know it. Trundle +back seawards. Meet a sea-gull. Says somebody tried to hook him from +embankment. Says he "doesn't like London." Rather inclined to agree with +him. + +Back at sea. Know now what influenza means--because _I've caught it!_ +Awful pains in my hide! Must consult a leech. + + * * * * * + + THE INTROSPECTIVE BARD. + + Persistent self-analysis, + Perfected more and more, + The mirror to my spirit is, + Which it performs before. + For "progress" let reformers pine, + Let merchants toil for pelf-- + The study of a soul like mine + Is certainly Itself! + + For girls who at my shrine will burn + An incense delicate, + I'll lightly probe the problems stern + Of Love, and Life, and Fate; + And as their darkness I disperse, + I mark with interest + The diverse chords that girls diverse + Awaken in my breast. + + Not having known a broken heart, + Nor any scathing pain, + I can afford, in life and art, + The pessimistic vein. + In many a literary gem, + Polished with care supreme, + Mildly, but firmly, I condemn + So poor a mundane scheme. + + And yet, a modest competence + My pensive mood provides, + My sentiments--like specimens + On microscopic slides-- + When I on woven paper fair, + In woven words illume, + I make a kind of subtle, rare, + And Esoteric Boom! + + * * * * * + +POLICE CHARGE AGAINST EXCITED THROGMORTONIAN JOBBER.--"He jobbed me in +the eye." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN THE VESTRY. + +_Minister_ (_who has exchanged pulpits--to Minister's Man_). "DO YOU +COME BACK FOR ME AFTER TAKING UP THE BOOKS?" + +_Minister's Man._ "OU AY, SIR, I COMES BACK FOR YE, AND YE FOLLOWS ME AT +A RESPECTFUL DISTANCE!"] + + * * * * * + + A BYE-ELECTION LAY. + + (_By a disappointed Western + Wire-puller._) + + After a conflict such as this, + Some moralising's due; + And we in Bristol of the fight + Can take a "bird's-eye" view. + + The poll we cannot truly call + The pleasantest of pills; + It's really rather sad our "won'ts" + Should come so near our "WILLS." + + Yet there's some comfort in the fact, + Some salve for spirits sore, + That Bristol nobly has not shrunk + From spilling of its "GORE." + + * * * * * + +A BALFOURIAN QUERY.--"No possibility of any return to the shareholders," +was, in the _Pall Mall Gazette_, the heading of a report of a meeting of +the members of the "Liberator Company." What! no possibility of _any_ +return? Yes, surely, the return of JABEZ. But even then--_cui bono?_ or +Cui Buenos Ayres? Who of the unfortunate losers would not far rather get +back something than get back somebody, and that somebody JABEZ. + + * * * * * + +THE EARLY BIRD.--Mr. GOSLING, British Minister, has demanded an +indemnity from the Nicaraguans of £15,000 for the expulsion of Mr. +HATCH, British Vice-Consul at Bluefields. GOSLING is no goose, that's +clear. He offers the Nicaragamuffins a Hatch-way out of the difficulty +of their own making. + + * * * * * + + OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +"What so interests you?" asked the visitor. Replied the Baron, "_Japhet +in Search of a Father_. I have not read it since my school days." "You +find it old-fashioned, eh?" "Well," answered the Baron, "the first few +chapters are certainly old-fashioned, and recall to my memory the +italicised, punning style of THEODORE HOOK and of _Tom and Jerry_. But +Captain MARRYAT soon gets away from this sort of thing; and when he has +once fairly started his hero and his companion on their adventures, the +interest of the story is never allowed to flag for a minute. I may add +that I have not enjoyed any modern story of adventure so much as I have +this one--always barring the romances of RIDER HAGGARD, STEPHENSON, +'Q.,' SHORTHOUSE, and PARKER--as there is about it an old Georgian-era +flavour, with its duels, its gambling-houses, its _Tom-and-Jerry_ +episodes, its occasional drop into melodrama, its varied characters of +the period, its animal spirits and 'go,' that makes it--to me, at +least--thoroughly fascinating." The illustrations, by H. M. BROCK--which +are specified as separately the property of Messrs. MACMILLAN--bring +vividly before the reader the manners and customs of the time. "In these +days of morbid yellow-jaundiced sensationalism, and of 'The New Woman,' +I am delighted," quoth the Baron, "to recommend, and strongly, too, this +first of the series of Captain MARRYAT'S works, now in course of +republication _chez_ MACMILLAN." The visitor thanked his noble friend, +and withdrew. Then the Baron finished the novel. "Good!" quoth the +Baron, closing the book with regret at parting with a long-forgotten but +now recovered friend; "but 'tis odd how one lives and learns. I do not +remember having ever heard that _Bottom_ the weaver had been christened +'WILLIAM' by SHAKSPEARE. Nor can I find that bully _Bottom_ was so +addressed by his friends. And if I have missed it, how came WILLIAM to +be the _prénom_ of the Athenian weaver in the time of _Theseus_ and +_Hippolyta_! I should as soon expect to discover that Hercules was known +to his companions as Henry Hercules. However, this by the way, and only +_à propos_ of a remark as to _William Bottom_, the weaver, made by +MARRYAT. I anticipate with pleasure re-making the acquaintance of _Jacob +Faithful_ and _Midshipman Easy_." + +_The Banishment of Jessop Blythe_, written by JOSEPH HATTON, and +published by HUTCHINSON, belongs to the _Yellow Book_ series, only that +is as far as the cover is concerned, which is of a startlingly jaundiced +tone and does not in the least represent the kindly author's views of +life. The story is about the ropemakers by one who clearly "knows the +ropes." This industry, as will be gathered from the present romance, is +not confined to Ropemaker's Walk, E.C., but was for two centuries +carried on by Troglodytes or Cave-dwellers in Derbyshire. The hero +_Blythe_ is turned out from the roping community as a thriftless +drunkard, emigrates, is poor and wretched, but returns _Blythe_ and gay, +with a lot of money to find.... "But here," quoth the Baron, "I must +pause, or the surprise will be heavily discounted, and the reader's +pleasure spoilt. Thus far, no farther. '_Tolle; lege._'" So recommended +the + JUDICIOUS BARON DE B.-W. + + * * * * * + + Shakspeare and the A-br-y B-rdsl-y Yellow + "She" Book. + +Divine WILLIAMS knew the kind of unwholesome woman above mentioned. In +_Love's Labour's Lost_ he makes _Biron_ say-- + + "A whitely wanton with a velvet brow, + With two pitch balls stuck in her face for eyes; + Ay, and, by heaven, one that will do the deed, + Though Argus were her eunuch and her guard." + +Is not this the living picture of the woman who would, or could, but who +shouldn't and oughtn't? + + * * * * * + +CHOOSING THE SPEAKER.--A suggestion was made last week that the +competitors for the Speakership should draw lots. Now, if it came to +"drawing lots," all in the House and out of the House, having seen +"lots" of Sir FRANK BLOOKWOOD'S drawing, would of course place him +first. So the drawing lots plan was abandoned. + + * * * * * + + THE FLIRTGIRL'S REPLY.[1] + + _A Poem of Common Sense._ + + Dear Sir, I've read through your delectable lines-- + Though the cap doesn't fit, I will wear it; + And hope (though I don't know your private designs) + You regret that such verses were e'er writ! + + There's flirting _and_ flirting, you don't seem to know, + Nor need a young woman be heartless, + Who thinks that, by having _five_ strings to her bow, + The four she rejects will thus smart less. + + Pray how can I help, if my features attract + And my sympathy wins each fond lover? + Alas, when they're conquered, I own 'tis the fact + That their weak points I sadly discover! + + It may be, in spite of your captious alarm, + I shall yet enjoy bliss hymeneal; + If _this_ is my aim, not to jilt, where's the harm + In my search for a husband ideal? + + [1] See page 141 + + * * * * * + + "ALAS POOR YORICK!" + +In "DICK GRAIN" all have lost a "fellow of infinite jest" and a friendly +critic who scourged our pleasant vices with such genial criticism that +everyone, hearing him, charitably applied the moral to his, or her, +neighbour. With Mrs. GERMAN REED, the Miss PRISCILLA HORTON of the +stage, and her son "TAFF REED," the old Gallery of Illustration Company +comes to an end. CORNEY GRAIN successfully succeeded JOHN PARRY. + + "C. G." _Ci gît._ + + * * * * * + + TO ISISTA. + + (_A Topical Explanation._) + + Your dark blue eyes are doubtless very sweet, + And I could hear without the least surprise + That connoisseurs declare it hard to beat + Your dark blue eyes. + + How is it if so much of magic lies + In your two "orbs" I deem them incomplete? + Why with disdain--I'm going to poetise-- + Do I your "heavenly windows" ever treat? + The explanation Saturday supplies. + I'm Cambridge. That's why I'm so loth to meet + Your dark blue eyes. + + _Note._--"Dark blue." In view of the coming Boat Race this may + be taken as a prophecy, or tip. + + * * * * * + + APPLIED SCIENCE. + +SIR,--The following may be of service to your non-mathematical +readers:-- + +_Q._ "The hands of a clock are between 2 and 3; and in ten minutes' time +the minute hand will be as much in front of the hour hand as it is now +behind it. What is the time?" + +_A._ "Ask Policeman X." + +The crass mediævalism of the Oxbridge don, I regret to say, failed to +see this solution, and I am again coaching with old DRUMMER.--Yours +theoretically and problematically, + PRACTICAL Y. Z. + + * * * * * + +CHANGE OF NAME.--In consequence of recent events crowded into one place, +the name of Throgmorton Street shall be changed into Throngmorton +Street. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNKIND. + +_Our Minor Poet._ "I BELIEVE I SHOULD ENJOY MY HOLIDAYS MUCH MORE IF I +WENT _INCOGNITO_." + +_Friend._ "TRAVEL UNDER YOUR _NOM DE PLUME_, OLD MAN!"] + + * * * * * + + ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + + EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March 18._--Navy Estimates on again, with the +First Lord listening patiently from otherwise empty Peers' Gallery, and +ROBERTSON making admirable play from Treasury Bench. Chivalrous soul of +Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES moved to admit that, after all, there had been worse +First Lords than SPENCER, and more uncivil Lords than ROBERTSON. Private +HANBURY thinks this is weakness. If his colleague in charge of the Navy +is to talk like that, he (the Private) will be expected, when the Army +Estimates came on, to say something nice about CAWMELL-BANNERMAN, to +acknowledge WOODALL'S keen grip over the business of his department, and +the courtesy with which he discharges his Ministerial duties. + +ALLAN o'Gateshead on again with more "Rough Castings." Last time House +in Committee on Navy Estimates he spread feeling of genuine alarm by +denouncing the British boiler. "Who," he thundered, "is responsible for +the engines of the Royal Navy? Where is the _Hornet_ you trumpeted so +loudly a year ago? Where," he continued, bending beetling brows on Civil +Lord of the Admiralty, "are her boilers?" + +"Bust," said GORST, with guilty look. Not that he had had anything to do +with the business, but because at this moment ALLAN o'Gateshead chanced +to fix a pair of flaming eyes upon his shrinking figure, seated almost +immediately opposite at end of Front Bench. + +"Where is the _Hornet_ now? Why, lying in Portsmouth Yard, with her +boilers out of her, a useless hulk." + +ALLAN is so big, so burly, wears so much hair, writes poetry, is +understood to be in the boiler business himself, and, withal, addresses +the Chairman with such terrific volume of voice, that a panic might have +ensued only for JOHN PENN. PENN head of great engineering firm of old +standing and high repute. Understood to have engined fleet of five ships +with which DRAKE made things hot for Spain along the coasts of Chili and +Peru. However that be, PENN now made it hot for ALLAN o'Gateshead. +Showed in quite business-like fashion that ALLAN'S poetic fancy had run +away with him. Convinced grateful Committee that British boiler, on +which safety of State may be said to rest, is all right. A model speech, +brief, pointed. A man with something to say, who straightway sits down +when he's said it. As the poet (not ALLAN o' Gateshead) says, + + He came as a boon and a blessing to men, + The modest, the lucid, clear-pointed J. PENN. + +_Business done._--Committee voted trifle over four millions as wages for +JACK. + +_Tuesday._--Alderman COTTON, once Lord Mayor of London, a prominent +and popular member of the DISRAELI Parliament, left behind him the +memory of one of those things we all would like to say if we could. In +the long series of debates on resolutions moved from Front Opposition +Bench challenging Jingo policy of the day, the Alderman interposed. +"Sir," he said, "this is a solemn moment. Looking towards the East we +perceive the crisis so imminent that it requires only a spark to let +slip the dogs of war." + +[Illustration: _MacGregor_ (_as "The Dougal Creature"_). "I'll pass from +that point."] + +That was, and remains, inimitable. But to-night the MACGREGOR came very +near its supreme excellence. Stirred to profoundest depths by demands +upon Naval Expenditure. Popping up and down like piston in the +engine-room of Clyde steamer; wrath grew as MELLOR, failing to see him, +called on other speakers. The MACGREGOR knew all about that; a reckless +corrupt Government, afraid of hearing the voice of honest criticism, had +suborned Chairman of Committees to prevent his speaking. But they didn't +know the MACGREGOR. After something like two hours physical exercise in +the way of jumping up and down he caught the Chairman's eye, and (in +Parliamentary sense, of course) punched it. Then "passing from point to +point," as he airily put it, he went for ROBERTSON. Asked the appalled +Civil Lord of the Admiralty what he supposed his constituents in Dundee +would say when they read his speech, in which bang went millions as if +they were saxpences? "What will the worthy citizens say, Mr. MELLOR?" he +repeated. "Why they will say, 'Ma conscience!'" + +Never since _Dominie Sampson_ made this remark has so much fervour and +good Scotch accent been thrown in. "Where's the CHANCELLOR OF THE +EXCHEQUER?" MACGREGOR presently asked, evidently eager for fresh blood. + +"That has nothing to do with the question," said the Chairman, severely. + +"Oh, hasn't it?" jeered the MACGREGOR. "I want to ask him what he has +done with our money?" + +Vision instantly conjured up before eyes of Committee of SQUIRE OF +MALWOOD prowling about town with his pockets loaded with £4,132,500. +voted to defray the charge for wages in the Navy, flinging the cash +about like JACK ashore, making the most of his time before Local Veto +became the law of the land. + +It was later that the MACGREGOR came in unconscious competition with +Alderman COTTON. Leaving the Navy for a moment he surveyed the Continent +of Europe peopled with armed men. "Why!" he cried with comprehensive +sweep of his arm, "these great armies are like fighting cocks. The least +spark blows them up like magazines of powder." + +Not quite so good it will be seen as the Alderman, but good enough for +these degenerate days. Effect on Admiral FIELD so exciting that he was +presently discovered chasing the SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE all over +House, desiring, as he said, to "pin him to his words." + +_Business done._--Supplementary Estimates voted. + +[Illustration: Admiral Field pinning the Hon. Member to his words.] + +_Thursday._--Curious to note the coyness with which House approaches +real business. To-day Welsh Disestablishment Bill comes on for Second +Reading. Its passing this stage a foregone conclusion. The work of +criticism, correction, possible re-moulding, will be done in Committee. +Committee is the Providence that shapes the ends of Bills, rough hew +them how we may in the draughtsman's hands or on the second reading. For +all practical purposes second-reading debate might be concluded at +to-night's sitting. It extended over seven clear hours. Given twenty +minutes per speech, the maximum length for useful purposes, twenty-one +members, more than the House cares to hear, might have spoken. The time +saved, if necessary, added on to opportunity in Committee. + +That, however, not the way we do business here. Disestablishment Bill a +measure of first importance; must be treated accordingly. So after +ASQUITH talks for an hour and a quarter, HICKS-BEACH caps him by speech +hour and half long, which nearly empties House. Afterwards a dreary +night. Papers on subject read by Members, who rise alternately from +either side. Few listen; newspaper reports cruelly curt; nevertheless, +it's the thing to do, and will go on through at least four sittings. On +last night men whom House want to hear will speak, as they might have +spoken on first night. Then the division, and minor Members who have +missed their chance will endeavour to work off their paper in Committee. + +_Business done._--Second reading Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill +moved. + +_Friday._--Shall M.P.'s be paid out of public purse? Dividing to-night +176 say Yes, 158 stern patriots say No. GEORGE CURZON, fresh from the +Pamirs and still later from a sick bed, leads opposition. SQUIRE OF +MALWOOD is in favour of payment: darkly hints that when the time comes +he will find the cash. This, though a little obscure, looks like +business. + +"I expect," said the Member for SARK, "we shall live to see the day +when, on Friday afternoons, Palace Yard will be crowded with Members +waiting to take their weekly money. Suppose they'll go the whole hog, +give us what the navvies call a 'sub,' that is, let us draw in middle of +the week something on account. Of course we shall have the full +privilege of strikes. We'll 'go out' if we think our wages should be +raised. Sure to be some blacklegs who will skulk in by central lobby and +offer to do a day's talking on the old terms. But we'll have pickets and +all that sort of thing. Sometimes we'll march in a body to Hyde Park, +and Baron FERDY will address us from a waggon on the rights of man and +the iniquity of underpaying M.P.'s. I see a high old time coming. Shall +put in early claim for a secretaryship. Always a good billet." + +_Business done._--Welsh Disestablishment Bill threw a gloom over morning +sitting. GEORGE OSBORNE MORGAN, supporting Bill, mentioned that in +episcopal circles he is regarded as "a profligate"! There is, sometimes, +a naughty look about him. But this is really going too far, even for a +bishop. + + + + + Transcriber Notes: + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is. + +Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted. + +On page 149, "convined" was replaced with "convinced". + +On page 149, "wont" was replaced with "won't". + +On page 156, a period was added after "Tuesday". + +On page 156, "covness" was replaced with "coyness". + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +108, March 30th 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43253 *** |