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diff --git a/43253-8.txt b/43253-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index ffd582e..0000000 --- a/43253-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1616 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, -March 30th 1895, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, March 30th 1895 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Francis Burnand - -Release Date: July 19, 2013 [EBook #43253] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - - - - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, -Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. -VOL. 108. -MARCH 30, 1895. - - - - -[Illustration: "ANIMAL SPIRITS." - -No. IX.--AWKWARD POSITION OF HIPPOLICEMAN AMONG THE WILD BULLS AND BEARS -IN THROGMORTON STREET. - -(_Vide Papers, March 22._)] - - * * * * * - - AN ELECTION ADDRESS. - - [Mr. RIDER HAGGARD has become the accepted Conservative - candidate for a Norfolk constituency. The following is - understood to be an advance copy of his Address.] - - Intelligent electors, may I venture to present - Myself as an aspirant for a seat in Parliament? - The views of those opponents who despise a novelist, - Are but the foggy arguments of People of the Mist! - - No writer, I assure you, can produce a better claim, - A greater versatility, a more substantial fame; - My candidature, though opposed by all the yellow gang, - Has won the hearty sympathy of Mr. ANDREW LANG. - - And if what my opinions are you'd really like to know, - They're issued at a modest price by LONGMANS, GREEN, & CO.; - The Eight Hours Bill, for instance, I'm prepared to speak upon - From a practical acquaintance with the Mines of Solomon. - - Whatever my intentions as to Woman's Rights may be, - I yield to none in honouring the great immortal She; - While, as to foreign policy, though Blue Books make you yawn, - You'll find the subject treated most attractively in _Dawn_. - - When I am placed in Parliament, I'll speak with fluent skill, - And show (like Mr. MEESON) I've a most effective will; - And if there is a special point for which I mean to fight, - It is for legislation to protect my copyright. - - If chance debate to matters in South Africa should tend, - My anecdotes will cause the Speaker's wig to stand on end; - And if an opportunity occurs, I'll rouse the lot - By perorating finely in impassioned Hottentot! - - So, Gentlemen, I beg you, let my arguments prevail, - Shame would it be if such a cause through apathy should fail, - Shame on the false elector who his honest duty shirks! - Believe me, Yours. - The Author of _She_, _Dawn_, and other works. - - * * * * * - -SUGGESTED REVIVAL OF AN OLD FORM OF PUNISHMENT FOR FUTURE OBSTRUTIONIST -SPECULATORS IN THROGMORTONIAN KAFFIR LAND.--"Put 'em in the Stocks." - - * * * * * - - "WHEN ARTHUR FIRST AT COURT." - -Last week the Court Theatre was advertised as a "Company, Limited." The -cast in the bill was given as Chairman, ARTHUR W. PINERO; First -Director, Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN (with a song?); Second Director, HERBERT -BENNETT (Director also of HARROD'S Stores, Limited, the success of which -establishment has been so great as to now out-HARROD HARROD); and then -ARTHUR CHUDLEIGH (who was jointly lessee at one time with Mrs. JOHN -WOOD), as Director and Acting Manager. The Solicitor is down as ARTHUR -B. CHUBB ("little fish are sweet"), and the Secretary is Mr. A. -(presumably ARTHUR?) S. DUNN. Most appropriate this name to finish with; -"and now my story's DUNN." Fortunate omen, too, that there are two "n's" -in DUNN, which otherwise is a word associated with a Court not quite so -cheerful as the Court Theatre. - -But the curious note about it is the preponderance of "ARTHURS." ARTHUR -PINERO, ARTHUR SULLIVAN, ARTHUR CHUDLEIGH, ARTHUR CHUBB, and ARTHUR (?) -DUNN. If they have power to add to their number, why not take in ARTHUR -JONES, ARTHUR LLOYD, and ARTHUR ROBERTS? That would make the Dramatic -ARTHURS and the Musical ARTHURS about equal. - -MATILDA CHARLOTTE WOOD is mentioned as having had an agreement with one -of the ARTHURS yclept CHUDLEIGH, and probably also a disagreement too, -as their once highly prosperous joint management came to an end. But now -"she will return," at least, everyone hopes so, as, after her capital -performance of the Sporting Duchess at Drury Lane, she has shown us that -she is as fresh and as great an attraction as ever. Some of the ARTHURS -will write for her, one ARTHUR will compose for her, two ARTHURS will -act and sing with her, and ARTHUR, the managing director, will direct -and manage her. May every success attend the venture! But how about -authors and composers offering their work to so professional a board of -directors? Doesn't _Sir Fretful Plagiary's_ objection to sending his -play in to the manager of Drury Lane, namely, that "he writes himself." -hold good nowadays? Hum. A difficulty, most decidedly; still, not -absolutely insuperable. - - * * * * * - - Which Settles It. - -_Over-enthusiastic Person_ (_speaking confidentially of his absent -Friend to the young Lady to whom absent friend is going to propose_). -Everybody speaks in his praise. He is an exceptionally good man. - -_Sharp Young Lady._ Ah, then he is "too good to be true." I shall refuse -him! [_Exit separately._ - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "MUSIC HATH CHARMS." - -H.R.H. THE DUKE, ACCOMPANIED BY DRUMMER-BOY HERBERT GLADSTONE, LEADS THE -SUNDAY PARK BAND. - -"The Duke of CAMBRIDGE takes the liveliest personal interest in the -proposal made by Mr. JOHN AIRD, and supported by Mr. HERBERT GLADSTONE, -First Commissioner of Works, that military bands should perform in the -Royal Parks on suitable occasions during the season."--_Daily Telegraph, -March 20._] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: QUITE A CATCH. - -_Young Splinter_ (_driving Nervous Old Party to Covert_). "YES, I LOVE A -BARGAIN IN HORSEFLESH! NOW, IF YOU BELIEVE ME, I PICKED THIS LITTLE -BEGGAR UP THE OTHER DAY FOR A MERE SONG. BOLTED WITH A TRAP--KICKED -EVERYTHING TO SMASH. BID THE FELLOW A TENNER FOR HER, AND THERE SHE IS!" -[_Old Party begins to feel that "'E don' know where 'e are," or will be -presently._] - - * * * * * - - "MUSIC HATH CHARMS." - - A SONG FOR A SUMMER DAY, 1895. - - (_A Very Long Way after Dryden._) - - ["Mr. HERBERT GLADSTONE, in reply to Mr. AIRD, said he was glad - to tell the hon. gentleman that he had been informed by his - Royal Highness the Duke of CAMBRIDGE that arrangements were - being made for a military band to play in Hyde Park on certain - days in summer."--_Parliamentary Report._] - - I. - - In harmony, in public harmony, - This bit of pleasant news began. - St. Stephen's underneath a heap - Of burning questions lay. - When HERBERT raised his head - His tuneful voice was heard on high, - And this is what it said: - That Great GEORGE RANGER could descry - A chance of making a big leap - To pop-u-lar-i-ty. - That Music's power should have full summer sway, - And the bands begin to play! - With harmony, with general harmony, - Around the information ran - That harmony, sweet harmony, - Should stay mere rumpus with its rataplan, - And make Hyde Park a pleasant place to Man! - - II. - - What passion cannot Music raise and quell? - When HERBERT thumps the side-drum well - The listening nursemaids well may stand around, - A-wondering at that curly swell, - A-worshipping the rattling sound. - Less than a dook they think can hardly dwell - In that drum major's toffy togs. - He startles even the stray dogs! - What passion cannot Music raise and quell? - - III. - - The populace charms, - The kettledrum-banger - The baby alarms. - At the double, double, double beat - Of young GLADSTONE'S drum - The Socialist spouters from back street and slum - Cry, "Hark! our foes come! - Way oh! _We_'ad better retreat!" - - IV. - - The shrill and sprightly flute - Startles the seculurist spouts and shovers. - The crowds of music-lovers - Flock to its sound and leave tub-thumpers mute. - - V. - - Dark Anarchists proclaim - Their jealous pangs and desperation, - Fury, frantic indignation, - Depths of spite and heights of passion. - Music mars _their_ little game. - - VI. - - Yes, Music's art can teach - Better than savage ungrammatic speech. - Young HERBERT let us praise, - "The dear Dook" let us love. - The weary wayfarer, the wan-faced slummer, - Beneath the spell of Music and the Drummer, - Feel rataplans and rubadubs to raise - Their souls sour spleen above. - - VII. - - "Orpheus could lead the savage race, - And trees uprooted left their place, - Sequacious of the lyre."-- - Precisely, Glorious JOHN! Yet 'twere no lark - To see the trees cavorting round the Park. - No! Our CECILIA'S aim is even higher. - To soothe the savage (Socialistic) breast, - Set Atheist and Anarchist at rest, - And to abate the spouting-Stiggins pest - Young HERBERT and grey GEORGE may well aspire. - The "Milingtary Dook"'s permission's given - That the Park-Public's breast, be-jawed and beered, - May by the power of harmony be cheered, - And lifted nearer heaven! - - GRAND CHORUS. - - (_By a Grateful Crowd._) - - "This 'ere's the larkiest of lays! - Things _do_ begin to move! - 'ERBERT and GEORGY let us praise, - And all the powers above. - We've spent a reglar pleasant 'our - Music like this the Mob devour. - Yah! Anerchy is all my heye. - That cornet tootles scrumptiously. - Go it, young GLADSTING! Don't say die - Dear Dook, but 'ave another try. - 'Armony makes disorder fly - And Music tunes hus to the sky! - - * * * * * - - "THE 'KEY-NOTE'-ORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH." - -[Illustration: The Dowdy Mrs. Ebbsmith makes it hot for her young man.] - -MR. PINERO'S new play at the Garrick Theatre is a series of scenes in -dialogue with only one "situation," which comes at the end of the third -act, and was evidently intended to be utterly unconventional, dreadfully -daring, and thrillingly effective. "Unconventional?" Yes. "Daring?" -Certainly; for to burn a bible might have raised a storm of sibilation. -But why dare so much to effect so little? For at the reading, or during -rehearsal, there must have been very considerable hesitation felt by -everybody, author included, as to the fate of this risky situation--this -"_momentum unde pendet_"--and for which nothing, either in the character -or in the previous history of the heroine, has prepared us. Her earliest -years have been passed in squalor; she has made a miserable marriage; -then she has become a Socialist ranter, and hopes to achieve a triumph -as a Socialist demagogue. Like Maypole Hugh in _Barnaby Rudge_ she would -go about the world shrieking "No property! No property!" and when, in a -weak moment, she consents to temporarily drop her "mission," she goes to -another extreme and comes out in an evening dress--I might say almost -comes out _of_ an evening dress, so egregiously _décolleté_ is it--to -please the peculiar and, apparently, low taste of her lover, who is a -married man,--"which well she knows it," as Mrs. GAMP observes,--but -with whom she is living, and with whom, like GRANT ALLEN'S _The Woman -who did_ (a lady whom in many respects Mr. PINERO'S heroine closely -resembles), and who came to grief in doing it, she intends to continue -living. This man, her paramour, she trusts will be her partner in the -socialistic regeneration of the human race. At the close of the third -act _Mrs. Ebbsmith_, being such as the author of her being has made her, -is presented with a bible, and, in a fit of ungovernable fury, she -pitches it into the stove "with all her might and main"; and then it -suddenly occurs to her that she has committed some terrible crime (more -probably it occurred to the author that _he_ had committed the -unpardonable sin of offending his audience)--and so she shoots out her -arm into a nice, cool-looking stove (suggestive of no sort of danger to -her or the book), and drags out the pocket volume apparently quite as -uninjured as is her own hand at the moment, though this is subsequently -carefully bound up with a white handkerchief in the last act. -Well--that's all. There is _the_ situation. The Key-note-orious _Mrs. -Ebbsmith_ is supposed to repent of her sins against society; and off she -goes to become the companion of the unmarried parson and of the lively -widow his sister. What the result of this arrangement will be is pretty -clear. The Key-note-orious One will soon be the parson's bride; but -"that is another story." - -To carry out this drama of inaction, as it is schemed, should occupy -eight persons something under two hours; but it takes thirteen persons -three hours to carry it along. Five of these _dramatis personæ_ are -superfluous; and much time is wasted on dialogues in Italian and French -that could be "faked up" from any conversation-book in several -languages, and evidently only lugged in under the mistaken impression -that thereby a touch of "local colour" is obtained. - -As it is the audience wearies of the long speeches, and there is nothing -in the action that can rouse them as there was in _The Second Mrs. -Tanqueray_, a play that Mr. PINERO has not yet equalled, much less -surpassed. - -But what is a real pleasure, and what will attract all lovers of good -acting, is, first of all, Mr. FORBES ROBERTSON'S admirable impersonation -of the difficult, unsympathetic _rôle_ of a despicably selfish, -self-conceited, cowardly prig; and, secondly, to a certain extent, the -rendering of the heroine by Mrs. PATRICK CAMPBELL, who, however, does -not come within measurable distance of her former self as _Mrs. -Tanqueray_--her "great stove scene" being about the weakest point in her -performance. But there cannot be a divided opinion as to the perfect -part given to Mr. JOHN HARE, and as to the absolutely perfect manner in -which it is played by this consummate artist in character. All the -scenes in which he appears are admirably conceived by the author, and as -admirably interpreted by the actor. - -Mr. HARE'S performance of the _Duke of St. Olpherts_ is a real gem, -ranking among the very best things he has ever done, and I may even add -"going one better." It is on his acting, and on the acting of the scenes -in which he appears, that the ultimate popularity of the piece must -depend. The theatrical stove-cum-book situation may tell with some -audiences better than with others, but it is not an absolute certainty; -while every scene in which the _Duke of St. Olpherts_ takes part, as -long as this character is played by Mr. HARE, is in itself an absolute -isolated triumph. Mr. AUBREY SMITH, as the modern young English -moustached parson, _en voyage_, with his pipe, and bible in his pocket -(is he a _colporteur_ of some Biblical Society, with a percentage on the -sale? otherwise the book is an awkward size to carry about, especially -if he has also a _Murray_ with him), is very true to life, at all events -in manner and appearance; and Miss JEFFREYS, as his sister, who looks -just as if she had walked out of a fashion-plate in _The Gentlewoman_, -or some lady's journal, plays discreetly and with considerable -self-repression. Of course it will remain one of the notable pieces of -the year; but what will keep it green in the memory of playgoers is not -the story, nor its heroine, nor its hero, but the captivating -impersonation of the _Duke of St. Olpherts_ by Mr. JOHN HARE. - -[Illustration: Transformation Scene. The Rowdy-Dowdy Mrs. Ebbsmith -fascinates the Dook.] - - * * * * * - - THE GAME OF DRAUGHTS. - - (_By One who has Played it._) - -Assume that I am living in Yokohama Gardens (before the pleasant change -from winter to spring), and that I am conscious of the near approach of -the North Pole. The fires in the grates seem to be lukewarm, and even -the coals are frozen. My servants have told me that the milk had to be -melted before it could adorn the breakfast-table; and as for the butter, -it is as hard as marble. There is only one thing to do, to send for that -worthy creature Mr. LOPSIDE, an individual "who can turn his hand to -anything." - -"Well Sir," Mr. LOPSIDE arrives and observes after a few moments spent -in careful consideration of the subject from various points of view, "of -course you feel the cold because there is five-and-twenty degrees of -frost just outside." - -I admit that Mr. LOPSIDE'S opinion is reasonable; and call his attention -to the fact that a newspaper which is lying on the floor some five yards -from a closed door is violently agitated. - -"I see Sir," says he promptly. "If you will wait a moment I will tell -you more about it." - -He takes off his coat, throws down a bag of tools (his chronic -companion), and lies flat on the floor. Then he places his right ear to -the ground and listens intently, pointing the while to the newspaper -that has now ceased to suffer from agitation. - -"There you are, Sir!" he exclaims triumphantly. "There's a draught -there. I could feel it distinctly." - -He rises from the ground, reassumes his overcoat, and once more -possesses himself of his bag of useful instruments. - -"Well, what shall I do?" I ask. - -"Well, you see Sir, it's not for the likes of me to advise gentry folk -like you. I wouldn't think of presuming upon such a liberty." - -"Not at all, Mr. LOPSIDE," I explain with some anxiety. - -"Then Sir--mind you, if it's not taking too much of a liberty--I would, -having draughts, get rid of them. And you have draughts about, now -haven't you?" - -I hasten to assure him that I am convinced that my house is a perfect -nest of draughts. - -"Don't you be too sure until I have tested them," advises Mr. LOPSIDE. - -Then the ingenious creature again divests himself of his overcoat and -workman's bag and commences his labours. He visits every door in the -house and tries it. He assumes all sorts of attitudes. Now he appears -like JESSIE BROWN at Lucknow listening to the distant slogan of the -coming Highlanders. Now like a colleague of GUY FAWKES noting the tread -of Lord MONTEAGLE on the road to the gunpowder cellar beneath the Houses -of Parliament. His attitudes, if not exactly graceful, are full of -character. - -"There are draughts everywhere," says Mr. LOPSIDE, having come to the -end of his investigations. - -"And what shall I do?" I ask for the second time. Again my worthy -inspector spends a few minutes in self-communing. - -"It's not for the likes of a poor man like me, Sir, to give advice; but -if I were you, Sir, I would say antiplutocratic tubing." - -"What is antiplutocratic tubing?" - -"Well, Sir, it's as good a thing as you can have, under all the -circumstances. But don't have antiplutocratic tubing because I say so. I -may be wrong, Sir." - -"No, no, Mr. LOPSIDE," I reply, in a tone of encouragement. "I am sure -you are right. Do you think you could get me some antiplutocratic -tubing, and put it up for me?" - -"Why, of course I could, Sir!" returns my worthy helper, in the tone of -a more than usually benevolent Father Christmas. Then he seems to lose -heart and become despondent. "But there, Sir, it's not for the likes of -me to say anything." - -However, I persuade Mr. LOPSIDE to take a more cheerful view of his -position, and to undertake the job. - -For the next three hours there is much hammering in all parts of the -house. My neighbours must imagine that I have taken violently to -spiritual manifestations. Wherever I wander I find my worthy assistant -hard at work covering the borders of the doors with a material that -looks like elongated eels in a condition of mummification--if I may be -permitted to use such an expression. Now he is standing on a ledge level -with the hall lamp; now he is reclining sideways beside an -entrance-protecting rug; now he is hanging by the bannisters midway -between two landings. The day grows apace. It is soon afternoon, and -rapidly becomes night. When the lights are beginning to appear in the -streets without, Mr. LOPSIDE has done. My house is rescued from the -draughts. - -"You won't be troubled much more, Sir," says he, as he glances -contemptuously at a door embedded in antiplutocratic tubing. "Keep those -shut and the draughts won't get near you--at least so I think, although -I may be wrong. Thank you, Sir. Quite correct. Good evening." - -And he leaves me, muffled up in his overcoat, and still clinging to his -basket, with its burden of saws, hammers, chisels, and nails of various -dimensions. I enter the dining-room with an air of satisfaction as I -hear his echoing footsteps on the pavement without, and attempt to close -the door. It will do almost everything, but it won't shut. I give up the -dining-room, and enter my study. Again, I try to close the door. But no; -it has caught the infection of its neighbour and also declines to close. -I try the doors of the drawing-room, bedroom, and the dressing-room. But -no, my efforts are in vain. None of them will close. The wind howls, and -the draughts rush in with redoubled fury. They triumph meanly in my -despair. - -There is only one thing to do, and I determine to do it. I must send for -Mr. LOPSIDE to take away as soon as possible his antiplutocratic tubing. -After all he was right when he had those, alas! unheeded misgivings. He -said "he might be wrong"--and was! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SO LIKELY! - -SCENE--_Bar of a Railway Refreshment Room._ - -_Barmaid._ "TEA, SIR?" - -_Mr. Boosey._ "TEA!!! ME!!!!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THINGS ONE SAYS WITHOUT THINKING. - -"I'M SO SORRY YOU'VE HAD TO COME AND DINE WITH US WITHOUT YOUR HUSBAND, -LIZZY. I SUPPOSE THE REAL TRUTH IS THAT, BEING LENT, HE'S DOING PENANCE -BY DINING AT HOME!" - -"OH, NO! I ASSURE YOU! HE THINKS IT A PENANCE TO DINE OUT!"] - - * * * * * - - QUARTER-DAY; OR, DEMAND AND NO SUPPLY. - - _Resentful Ratepayer loquitur:_-- - - "Demand and Supply!" So economists cry, - And one, they assure us, must balance the other. - _I_ fancy their doctrines are just all my eye, - But then I'm a victim of bad times and bother. - At least, friend Aquarius, _you_'ll understand - That Jack Frost and you have between you upset me. - You are down on me--ah! like a shot--with Demand, - But as to Supply--ah! that's just where you get me. - - Water? You frosty old fraud, not a drop, - Save what I have purchased from urchins half frozen, - I've had for six weeks for my house and my shop, - And they tell me the six weeks _may_ swell to a dozen! - Call _that_ Water-Supply, Mister Mulberry Nose? - Why, your oozy old eyelids seem winking in mockery, - My cisterns are empty, my pipes frozen close, - I've nothing for washing my hands, clothes or crockery. - - As to flushing my drain-pipes, or sinks, why you know, - I might as well trust the Sahara for sluicing. - A bath? Yes, at tuppence a pailful or so. - Good gracious! we grudge every tumbler we're using. - Your stand-pipes and tanks compensate for such pranks? - Get out! You _are_ playing it low down, Aquarius. - Be grateful for mercies so small, Sir? No thanks! - My wrongs at your hands have been many and various. - - But these last six weeks, Sir, are just the last straw - That break the strong back of the rate-paying camel, - I do not quite know what's the state of the law, - But _if_ yours is all freedom, and mine is all trammel, - If yours is Demand, and mine is _not_ Supply, - As 'twould seem by the look of that precious rate-paper, - Aquarius, old boy, I have plans in my eye - For checking your pretty monopolist caper. - - Pay up, and look pleasant? Ah yes, that's my rule - For every impost, from Poor Rate to Income. - But paying for what you don't get fits a fool, - Besides, you old Grampus-Grab, whence will the tin come? - Supply discontinued? Aquarius, _that_ threat, - Is losing its terrors. I don't care a penny, - 'Twon't frighten me now into payment, you bet, - When for the last six weeks I haven't had any. - - Whose fault? Well, we'll see. But at least you'll agree - When Supply's undertaken, and paid, in advance, for, - A man expects _something_ for his L. S. D. - Then what have you led me this doose of a dance for? - That question, old Snorter, demands a prompt answer, - And Taurus expects it of you, my Aquarius, - Or else, Sir, by Gemini, _I_ shall turn Cancer, - And then the monopolists mayn't look hilarious. - - How do the Water Rates come to my door? - 'Twould furnish a subject for some brand-new SOUTHEY. - Your dunning Demand Notes are always a bore, - But when one is grubby, half frozen and drouthy, - When cisterns are empty and sinks are unflushed, - And staircases sloppy, and queer smells abounding, - To be by an useless Aquarius rushed - For "immediate payment" is--well, it's astounding. - - How _will_ the water come down through the floor - When mains are unfrozen and pipes are all "busting"? - Why spurting and squirting, with rush and with roar, - The wall-papers staining, the fire-irons rusting, - And rushing, and gushing, and flashing and splashing, - And making a sort of Aix douche of the bedroom, - And comfort destroying, and every hope dashing, - And leaving one scarce a square yard of dry head-room. - - 'Twill leak, spirt and trickle, and, oh _such_ a pickle - Will make of my dwelling, from garret to basement, - Well, that's _after_ thaw. But, by Jove, it _does_ tickle - My fancy, and fill me with angry amazement, - To see you mere standing ice-cool, and demanding - Prompt payment--for what? Why, long waterless worry! - Aquarius, we _must_ have a fresh understanding; - Till then--"Call again!" and _don't be in a hurry!_ - - [_Slams door, and retires in dudgeon._ - - * * * * * - -MOTTO FOR STOCKBROKERS.--A mine in the Randt is worth two in the Bush. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: QUARTER-DAY; OR, DEMAND AND NO SUPPLY. - -RATEPAYER. "WHAT'S THIS FOR? _WATER!_ WHY I HAVEN'T HAD ANY!"] - - * * * * * - - THE WOMAN WHO WOULDN'T DO. - - (_She-Note Series._) - -The two were seated in an untrammelled Bohemian sort of way on the -imperturbable expanse of the South Downs. Beneath them was a carpet of -sheep-sorrel, its orbicular perianth being slightly depressed by their -healthy weight. In the distance they noticed thankfully the -saucer-shaped combes of paludina limestone rising in pleasant strata to -the rearing scarp of the Weald. PERUGINO ALLAN was the gentleman's name. -He had only met PSEUDONYMIA BAMPTON the day before, but already from -mere community of literary instincts they were life-long friends. She -had reached the trysting-place first. All true modest women do this. - -[Illustration] - -"PSEUDONYMIA!" said PERUGINO, blushing easily to his finger-tips. - -"PERUGINO!" said PSEUDONYMIA, blushing to hers. It was early, of course, -for Christian names, but then the Terewth had made them Free-and-Easy. - -"PERUGINO!" said PSEUDONYMIA, bringing her eyes back from the infinite -to rest without affectation on her simple Greek chiton, "I have often -wanted to meet a real man who had written a book with a key to it on the -back of the cover. Now tell me frankly some more beautiful things about -our present loathsome system of chartered monogamy, so degrading to my -sex. Talk straight on, please, pages at a time. Never mind about -Probability. Terewth is stranger than Probability; and the Terewth, you -know, shall make you Free!" - -PERUGINO sank back into the spongy turf, leaning his cheek against an -upright spike of summer furze of the genus _Ulex Europæus_. "Some -men," he began, "ignoble souls, 'look about' them before they marry. -Such are calculating egoists. Pure souls, of finer paste, are, so to -speak, _born married_. Others hesitate and delay. The difficulties of -teething, a paltry desire to be weaned before the wedding, reluctance -to being married in long clothes, the terrors of croup during the -honeymoon--these and other excuses, thinly veiling hidden depths of -depravity, are employed to defer the divine moment. I have known men to -reach the preposterously ripe age of one-and-twenty unwedded, protesting -that they dare not risk their prospects at the Bar. These men can never -mate like the birds, never be guide-posts to point humanity along the -path of Terewth." - -"But," interrupted PSEUDONYMIA, rose-red to her quivering finger-tips -with shame at the bare mention of marriage; "but I thought you -disapproved of the debasing principle of wedlock." - -"Do not interrupt," said PERUGINO, kindly; "I will come to that two or -three pages later on. To be prudent, I was going to say, is to be -vicious and cruel. Of course it is not given to all to be _born_ -married. But this natal defect one can easily remedy. I knew a young -fellow who did. The indispensable complement crossed his path before it -was too late. He was still at his preparatory school; _he married the -matron_. True, there was disparity of age, but it was a step in the -right direction; though the head-master, a man of common conventional -ideas, gave the boy a severe rebuke. - -"But to push on at once to contradictions. Marriage, I have said -elsewhere, is a degrading system, nurtured under the purple hangings of -the tents of iniquity. In _my_ gospel Love, like Terewth, should be -Free; ever moving on, moving on. Now, Italy is the home----" - -"Ah!" cried PSEUDONYMIA, "Italy! That reminds me of sunburnt Siena. What -a wonderful Peruguinesque chapter that was in your book. Like a leaf -torn out of the live heart of BAEDEKER!" - -"Italy," continued PERUGINO doggedly, "is the home of backgrounds. I -would like everyone to have a background--a past; the more pasts the -better. Is not that a beautiful thought? Ever moving on to something -different!" - -"That has been the dream of my childhood," said PSEUDONYMIA, her white -Cordelia-like soul thrilled through and through with sacred convictions. -A ripe gorse-pod burst in the basking sunlight. ("I never remember -seeing sunlight bask before," she thought.) A bumble-bee said something -inaudible. "But why," she added, "did you never give this pure sentiment -to the world before? You who have written so many many books?" - -"My child," replied the artist, "I was compelled to write down to the -public taste. One must consider one's prospects. This, you will say, -seems to clash with what I said before about calculating egoists. But -profession and practice are ever divorced under our depraved system of -civilisation. At last, having established myself, I rose superior to -sordid avarice, and wrote for once solely to satisfy my own taste and -conscience." - -"A noble sacrifice!" said PSEUDONYMIA, suppressing her dimples for the -moment. "As the physically weaker vessel, I could only have done it -under an assumed name. But tell me of one difficulty which you have so -cleverly avoided in your book. This question of the family. Will not a -confusion arise in another generation when nobody quite knows who and -how many his or her half-brothers and half-sisters are?" - -"PSEUDONYMIA!" said PERUGINO, and his voice broke in two places, "I am -pained. I had thought that you, so pure, so emancipate, would have had a -soul above blithering detail. Besides, do you not see that in this way -the whole world will eventually become one family? _We_ may not live to -see this Millennium, but future Fabians may. What we want is a -protomartyr in the cause. SHELLEY promised well, but he ultimately -reverted to legal wedlock. As for me, I have been deemed unworthy of the -crown. I am, alas! happily married. But you, you are single; why should -you not set to all your sister-slaves a high example of that martyrdom -of which the glory, as well as the inconvenience, has been denied to -me?" - -"Ah, dear PERUGINO!" she cried, visibly affected for the third time to -her finger-tips, "must it ever be so? Profession, as you say, divorced -from practice? Must one more noble name be added to the list of those -that shock the world so fearlessly with their books and live such -despicably blameless lives? I myself, too, am misleading in print. You -judged me by my pseudonymous publications to be single and unscrupulous. -But you were wrong. I also am unequal to the weight of that crown. How -can I be your martyr in the cause--I who these many years have -worshipped the very dust on which my husband deigns to tread? Can you -and I ever be forgiven for thus sinning against the light?" - -PERUGINO rose to go, indignant, disillusioned. "_Et tu_, PSEUDONYMIA?" -he bitterly cried. (She had been at Girton and could follow the -original.) "Then I give you up. You are, I grieve to think, _a woman who -won't do_." And he made a she-note of it. - - * * * * * - - "WITH WHAT PORPOISE?" - - [A porpoise has been seen gambolling in the Thames at Putney.] - -Such a sea on at the North Foreland! Glad to get out of it. Nice river -coming down from somewhere. Must explore it. - -Near some town. No end of oysters about. Oysters say it's Whitstable. -Seem dreadfully depressed. Ask them if the late cold was too much for -them? No, it's not that, they say, but injurious stories have been -circulated about them by medical men. Been called "typhoidal." Nobody -patronises them, and they've "lost their season in town." What do they -mean? - -Off Southend. Friendly sole advises me not to venture further. "Tempt -not the Barking Outfall," he says, and adds that the "water at London -will poison me, and I shall be made into boots." London! Always wanted -to see it. What's the good of being called "a kind of gregarious whale" -by the dictionaries if I avoid society? - -Got past Barking safely! Who is it--BROWNING I think--wrote a poem about -"Sludge, the Medium." Must have written it near Barking. Arrived off -Wanstead Flats. See a respectable man on banks being chivied by a mob. -Told (by a sprat) that "it's Mr. HILLS, of the Thames Ironworks, who's -been helping the unemployed." Now the unemployed seem helping _him!_ -Tower Bridge rather fine. - -Westminster. Big building. Curious scent in air. Told it's the Houses of -Parliament, and scent is eucalyptus, "because of the influenza." Curious -word--wonder what it means. - -Up at Putney. See University Boat-Race, if I can stay long enough. Feel -sleepy. Must be the amount of bad water I've drunk. Knock up against an -ice-floe. Two men in boat try to shoot me. _They_ seem unemployed. Do -they want to make me into soup for the poor? Not if I know it. Trundle -back seawards. Meet a sea-gull. Says somebody tried to hook him from -embankment. Says he "doesn't like London." Rather inclined to agree with -him. - -Back at sea. Know now what influenza means--because _I've caught it!_ -Awful pains in my hide! Must consult a leech. - - * * * * * - - THE INTROSPECTIVE BARD. - - Persistent self-analysis, - Perfected more and more, - The mirror to my spirit is, - Which it performs before. - For "progress" let reformers pine, - Let merchants toil for pelf-- - The study of a soul like mine - Is certainly Itself! - - For girls who at my shrine will burn - An incense delicate, - I'll lightly probe the problems stern - Of Love, and Life, and Fate; - And as their darkness I disperse, - I mark with interest - The diverse chords that girls diverse - Awaken in my breast. - - Not having known a broken heart, - Nor any scathing pain, - I can afford, in life and art, - The pessimistic vein. - In many a literary gem, - Polished with care supreme, - Mildly, but firmly, I condemn - So poor a mundane scheme. - - And yet, a modest competence - My pensive mood provides, - My sentiments--like specimens - On microscopic slides-- - When I on woven paper fair, - In woven words illume, - I make a kind of subtle, rare, - And Esoteric Boom! - - * * * * * - -POLICE CHARGE AGAINST EXCITED THROGMORTONIAN JOBBER.--"He jobbed me in -the eye." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: IN THE VESTRY. - -_Minister_ (_who has exchanged pulpits--to Minister's Man_). "DO YOU -COME BACK FOR ME AFTER TAKING UP THE BOOKS?" - -_Minister's Man._ "OU AY, SIR, I COMES BACK FOR YE, AND YE FOLLOWS ME AT -A RESPECTFUL DISTANCE!"] - - * * * * * - - A BYE-ELECTION LAY. - - (_By a disappointed Western - Wire-puller._) - - After a conflict such as this, - Some moralising's due; - And we in Bristol of the fight - Can take a "bird's-eye" view. - - The poll we cannot truly call - The pleasantest of pills; - It's really rather sad our "won'ts" - Should come so near our "WILLS." - - Yet there's some comfort in the fact, - Some salve for spirits sore, - That Bristol nobly has not shrunk - From spilling of its "GORE." - - * * * * * - -A BALFOURIAN QUERY.--"No possibility of any return to the shareholders," -was, in the _Pall Mall Gazette_, the heading of a report of a meeting of -the members of the "Liberator Company." What! no possibility of _any_ -return? Yes, surely, the return of JABEZ. But even then--_cui bono?_ or -Cui Buenos Ayres? Who of the unfortunate losers would not far rather get -back something than get back somebody, and that somebody JABEZ. - - * * * * * - -THE EARLY BIRD.--Mr. GOSLING, British Minister, has demanded an -indemnity from the Nicaraguans of £15,000 for the expulsion of Mr. -HATCH, British Vice-Consul at Bluefields. GOSLING is no goose, that's -clear. He offers the Nicaragamuffins a Hatch-way out of the difficulty -of their own making. - - * * * * * - - OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. - -"What so interests you?" asked the visitor. Replied the Baron, "_Japhet -in Search of a Father_. I have not read it since my school days." "You -find it old-fashioned, eh?" "Well," answered the Baron, "the first few -chapters are certainly old-fashioned, and recall to my memory the -italicised, punning style of THEODORE HOOK and of _Tom and Jerry_. But -Captain MARRYAT soon gets away from this sort of thing; and when he has -once fairly started his hero and his companion on their adventures, the -interest of the story is never allowed to flag for a minute. I may add -that I have not enjoyed any modern story of adventure so much as I have -this one--always barring the romances of RIDER HAGGARD, STEPHENSON, -'Q.,' SHORTHOUSE, and PARKER--as there is about it an old Georgian-era -flavour, with its duels, its gambling-houses, its _Tom-and-Jerry_ -episodes, its occasional drop into melodrama, its varied characters of -the period, its animal spirits and 'go,' that makes it--to me, at -least--thoroughly fascinating." The illustrations, by H. M. BROCK--which -are specified as separately the property of Messrs. MACMILLAN--bring -vividly before the reader the manners and customs of the time. "In these -days of morbid yellow-jaundiced sensationalism, and of 'The New Woman,' -I am delighted," quoth the Baron, "to recommend, and strongly, too, this -first of the series of Captain MARRYAT'S works, now in course of -republication _chez_ MACMILLAN." The visitor thanked his noble friend, -and withdrew. Then the Baron finished the novel. "Good!" quoth the -Baron, closing the book with regret at parting with a long-forgotten but -now recovered friend; "but 'tis odd how one lives and learns. I do not -remember having ever heard that _Bottom_ the weaver had been christened -'WILLIAM' by SHAKSPEARE. Nor can I find that bully _Bottom_ was so -addressed by his friends. And if I have missed it, how came WILLIAM to -be the _prénom_ of the Athenian weaver in the time of _Theseus_ and -_Hippolyta_! I should as soon expect to discover that Hercules was known -to his companions as Henry Hercules. However, this by the way, and only -_à propos_ of a remark as to _William Bottom_, the weaver, made by -MARRYAT. I anticipate with pleasure re-making the acquaintance of _Jacob -Faithful_ and _Midshipman Easy_." - -_The Banishment of Jessop Blythe_, written by JOSEPH HATTON, and -published by HUTCHINSON, belongs to the _Yellow Book_ series, only that -is as far as the cover is concerned, which is of a startlingly jaundiced -tone and does not in the least represent the kindly author's views of -life. The story is about the ropemakers by one who clearly "knows the -ropes." This industry, as will be gathered from the present romance, is -not confined to Ropemaker's Walk, E.C., but was for two centuries -carried on by Troglodytes or Cave-dwellers in Derbyshire. The hero -_Blythe_ is turned out from the roping community as a thriftless -drunkard, emigrates, is poor and wretched, but returns _Blythe_ and gay, -with a lot of money to find.... "But here," quoth the Baron, "I must -pause, or the surprise will be heavily discounted, and the reader's -pleasure spoilt. Thus far, no farther. '_Tolle; lege._'" So recommended -the - JUDICIOUS BARON DE B.-W. - - * * * * * - - Shakspeare and the A-br-y B-rdsl-y Yellow - "She" Book. - -Divine WILLIAMS knew the kind of unwholesome woman above mentioned. In -_Love's Labour's Lost_ he makes _Biron_ say-- - - "A whitely wanton with a velvet brow, - With two pitch balls stuck in her face for eyes; - Ay, and, by heaven, one that will do the deed, - Though Argus were her eunuch and her guard." - -Is not this the living picture of the woman who would, or could, but who -shouldn't and oughtn't? - - * * * * * - -CHOOSING THE SPEAKER.--A suggestion was made last week that the -competitors for the Speakership should draw lots. Now, if it came to -"drawing lots," all in the House and out of the House, having seen -"lots" of Sir FRANK BLOOKWOOD'S drawing, would of course place him -first. So the drawing lots plan was abandoned. - - * * * * * - - THE FLIRTGIRL'S REPLY.[1] - - _A Poem of Common Sense._ - - Dear Sir, I've read through your delectable lines-- - Though the cap doesn't fit, I will wear it; - And hope (though I don't know your private designs) - You regret that such verses were e'er writ! - - There's flirting _and_ flirting, you don't seem to know, - Nor need a young woman be heartless, - Who thinks that, by having _five_ strings to her bow, - The four she rejects will thus smart less. - - Pray how can I help, if my features attract - And my sympathy wins each fond lover? - Alas, when they're conquered, I own 'tis the fact - That their weak points I sadly discover! - - It may be, in spite of your captious alarm, - I shall yet enjoy bliss hymeneal; - If _this_ is my aim, not to jilt, where's the harm - In my search for a husband ideal? - - [1] See page 141 - - * * * * * - - "ALAS POOR YORICK!" - -In "DICK GRAIN" all have lost a "fellow of infinite jest" and a friendly -critic who scourged our pleasant vices with such genial criticism that -everyone, hearing him, charitably applied the moral to his, or her, -neighbour. With Mrs. GERMAN REED, the Miss PRISCILLA HORTON of the -stage, and her son "TAFF REED," the old Gallery of Illustration Company -comes to an end. CORNEY GRAIN successfully succeeded JOHN PARRY. - - "C. G." _Ci gît._ - - * * * * * - - TO ISISTA. - - (_A Topical Explanation._) - - Your dark blue eyes are doubtless very sweet, - And I could hear without the least surprise - That connoisseurs declare it hard to beat - Your dark blue eyes. - - How is it if so much of magic lies - In your two "orbs" I deem them incomplete? - Why with disdain--I'm going to poetise-- - Do I your "heavenly windows" ever treat? - The explanation Saturday supplies. - I'm Cambridge. That's why I'm so loth to meet - Your dark blue eyes. - - _Note._--"Dark blue." In view of the coming Boat Race this may - be taken as a prophecy, or tip. - - * * * * * - - APPLIED SCIENCE. - -SIR,--The following may be of service to your non-mathematical -readers:-- - -_Q._ "The hands of a clock are between 2 and 3; and in ten minutes' time -the minute hand will be as much in front of the hour hand as it is now -behind it. What is the time?" - -_A._ "Ask Policeman X." - -The crass mediævalism of the Oxbridge don, I regret to say, failed to -see this solution, and I am again coaching with old DRUMMER.--Yours -theoretically and problematically, - PRACTICAL Y. Z. - - * * * * * - -CHANGE OF NAME.--In consequence of recent events crowded into one place, -the name of Throgmorton Street shall be changed into Throngmorton -Street. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: UNKIND. - -_Our Minor Poet._ "I BELIEVE I SHOULD ENJOY MY HOLIDAYS MUCH MORE IF I -WENT _INCOGNITO_." - -_Friend._ "TRAVEL UNDER YOUR _NOM DE PLUME_, OLD MAN!"] - - * * * * * - - ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. - - EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. - -_House of Commons, Monday, March 18._--Navy Estimates on again, with the -First Lord listening patiently from otherwise empty Peers' Gallery, and -ROBERTSON making admirable play from Treasury Bench. Chivalrous soul of -Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES moved to admit that, after all, there had been worse -First Lords than SPENCER, and more uncivil Lords than ROBERTSON. Private -HANBURY thinks this is weakness. If his colleague in charge of the Navy -is to talk like that, he (the Private) will be expected, when the Army -Estimates came on, to say something nice about CAWMELL-BANNERMAN, to -acknowledge WOODALL'S keen grip over the business of his department, and -the courtesy with which he discharges his Ministerial duties. - -ALLAN o'Gateshead on again with more "Rough Castings." Last time House -in Committee on Navy Estimates he spread feeling of genuine alarm by -denouncing the British boiler. "Who," he thundered, "is responsible for -the engines of the Royal Navy? Where is the _Hornet_ you trumpeted so -loudly a year ago? Where," he continued, bending beetling brows on Civil -Lord of the Admiralty, "are her boilers?" - -"Bust," said GORST, with guilty look. Not that he had had anything to do -with the business, but because at this moment ALLAN o'Gateshead chanced -to fix a pair of flaming eyes upon his shrinking figure, seated almost -immediately opposite at end of Front Bench. - -"Where is the _Hornet_ now? Why, lying in Portsmouth Yard, with her -boilers out of her, a useless hulk." - -ALLAN is so big, so burly, wears so much hair, writes poetry, is -understood to be in the boiler business himself, and, withal, addresses -the Chairman with such terrific volume of voice, that a panic might have -ensued only for JOHN PENN. PENN head of great engineering firm of old -standing and high repute. Understood to have engined fleet of five ships -with which DRAKE made things hot for Spain along the coasts of Chili and -Peru. However that be, PENN now made it hot for ALLAN o'Gateshead. -Showed in quite business-like fashion that ALLAN'S poetic fancy had run -away with him. Convinced grateful Committee that British boiler, on -which safety of State may be said to rest, is all right. A model speech, -brief, pointed. A man with something to say, who straightway sits down -when he's said it. As the poet (not ALLAN o' Gateshead) says, - - He came as a boon and a blessing to men, - The modest, the lucid, clear-pointed J. PENN. - -_Business done._--Committee voted trifle over four millions as wages for -JACK. - -_Tuesday._--Alderman COTTON, once Lord Mayor of London, a prominent -and popular member of the DISRAELI Parliament, left behind him the -memory of one of those things we all would like to say if we could. In -the long series of debates on resolutions moved from Front Opposition -Bench challenging Jingo policy of the day, the Alderman interposed. -"Sir," he said, "this is a solemn moment. Looking towards the East we -perceive the crisis so imminent that it requires only a spark to let -slip the dogs of war." - -[Illustration: _MacGregor_ (_as "The Dougal Creature"_). "I'll pass from -that point."] - -That was, and remains, inimitable. But to-night the MACGREGOR came very -near its supreme excellence. Stirred to profoundest depths by demands -upon Naval Expenditure. Popping up and down like piston in the -engine-room of Clyde steamer; wrath grew as MELLOR, failing to see him, -called on other speakers. The MACGREGOR knew all about that; a reckless -corrupt Government, afraid of hearing the voice of honest criticism, had -suborned Chairman of Committees to prevent his speaking. But they didn't -know the MACGREGOR. After something like two hours physical exercise in -the way of jumping up and down he caught the Chairman's eye, and (in -Parliamentary sense, of course) punched it. Then "passing from point to -point," as he airily put it, he went for ROBERTSON. Asked the appalled -Civil Lord of the Admiralty what he supposed his constituents in Dundee -would say when they read his speech, in which bang went millions as if -they were saxpences? "What will the worthy citizens say, Mr. MELLOR?" he -repeated. "Why they will say, 'Ma conscience!'" - -Never since _Dominie Sampson_ made this remark has so much fervour and -good Scotch accent been thrown in. "Where's the CHANCELLOR OF THE -EXCHEQUER?" MACGREGOR presently asked, evidently eager for fresh blood. - -"That has nothing to do with the question," said the Chairman, severely. - -"Oh, hasn't it?" jeered the MACGREGOR. "I want to ask him what he has -done with our money?" - -Vision instantly conjured up before eyes of Committee of SQUIRE OF -MALWOOD prowling about town with his pockets loaded with £4,132,500. -voted to defray the charge for wages in the Navy, flinging the cash -about like JACK ashore, making the most of his time before Local Veto -became the law of the land. - -It was later that the MACGREGOR came in unconscious competition with -Alderman COTTON. Leaving the Navy for a moment he surveyed the Continent -of Europe peopled with armed men. "Why!" he cried with comprehensive -sweep of his arm, "these great armies are like fighting cocks. The least -spark blows them up like magazines of powder." - -Not quite so good it will be seen as the Alderman, but good enough for -these degenerate days. Effect on Admiral FIELD so exciting that he was -presently discovered chasing the SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE all over -House, desiring, as he said, to "pin him to his words." - -_Business done._--Supplementary Estimates voted. - -[Illustration: Admiral Field pinning the Hon. Member to his words.] - -_Thursday._--Curious to note the coyness with which House approaches -real business. To-day Welsh Disestablishment Bill comes on for Second -Reading. Its passing this stage a foregone conclusion. The work of -criticism, correction, possible re-moulding, will be done in Committee. -Committee is the Providence that shapes the ends of Bills, rough hew -them how we may in the draughtsman's hands or on the second reading. For -all practical purposes second-reading debate might be concluded at -to-night's sitting. It extended over seven clear hours. Given twenty -minutes per speech, the maximum length for useful purposes, twenty-one -members, more than the House cares to hear, might have spoken. The time -saved, if necessary, added on to opportunity in Committee. - -That, however, not the way we do business here. Disestablishment Bill a -measure of first importance; must be treated accordingly. So after -ASQUITH talks for an hour and a quarter, HICKS-BEACH caps him by speech -hour and half long, which nearly empties House. Afterwards a dreary -night. Papers on subject read by Members, who rise alternately from -either side. Few listen; newspaper reports cruelly curt; nevertheless, -it's the thing to do, and will go on through at least four sittings. On -last night men whom House want to hear will speak, as they might have -spoken on first night. Then the division, and minor Members who have -missed their chance will endeavour to work off their paper in Committee. - -_Business done._--Second reading Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill -moved. - -_Friday._--Shall M.P.'s be paid out of public purse? Dividing to-night -176 say Yes, 158 stern patriots say No. GEORGE CURZON, fresh from the -Pamirs and still later from a sick bed, leads opposition. SQUIRE OF -MALWOOD is in favour of payment: darkly hints that when the time comes -he will find the cash. This, though a little obscure, looks like -business. - -"I expect," said the Member for SARK, "we shall live to see the day -when, on Friday afternoons, Palace Yard will be crowded with Members -waiting to take their weekly money. Suppose they'll go the whole hog, -give us what the navvies call a 'sub,' that is, let us draw in middle of -the week something on account. Of course we shall have the full -privilege of strikes. We'll 'go out' if we think our wages should be -raised. Sure to be some blacklegs who will skulk in by central lobby and -offer to do a day's talking on the old terms. But we'll have pickets and -all that sort of thing. Sometimes we'll march in a body to Hyde Park, -and Baron FERDY will address us from a waggon on the rights of man and -the iniquity of underpaying M.P.'s. I see a high old time coming. Shall -put in early claim for a secretaryship. Always a good billet." - -_Business done._--Welsh Disestablishment Bill threw a gloom over morning -sitting. GEORGE OSBORNE MORGAN, supporting Bill, mentioned that in -episcopal circles he is regarded as "a profligate"! There is, sometimes, -a naughty look about him. But this is really going too far, even for a -bishop. - - - - - Transcriber Notes: - -Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. - -Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. - -Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of -the speakers. Those words were retained as-is. - -Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected -unless otherwise noted. - -On page 149, "convined" was replaced with "convinced". - -On page 149, "wont" was replaced with "won't". - -On page 156, a period was added after "Tuesday". - -On page 156, "covness" was replaced with "coyness". - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. -108, March 30th 1895, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - -***** This file should be named 43253-8.txt or 43253-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/3/2/5/43253/ - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, -Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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