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diff --git a/43065-0.txt b/43065-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a118223 --- /dev/null +++ b/43065-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13469 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43065 *** + +Note: Images of the original pages are available through + Internet Archive/American Libraries. See + http://archive.org/details/heroineb00barr + + +Transcriber's note: + + Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_). + + + + + +THE HEROINE + +by + +EATON STANNARD BARRETT + +With an Introduction by Walter Raleigh + + + + + + + +London +Henry Frowde +1909 + +Oxford: Horace Hart +Printer to the University + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + +'In Glamorganshire, of a rapid decline, occasioned by the bursting of a +blood-vessel, Eaton Stannard Barrett, esq., a native of Ireland, and a +student of the Middle Temple. He published "All the Talents", a Poem, +8vo. 1817.--"The Comet", a mock newspaper, 8vo. 1803.--A very pleasing +poem intituled "Woman", 8vo. 1810.--"The Heroine, or Adventures of +Cherubina", 3 vols. 12mo, 2d. edit. 1814. This volume is said to abound +in wit and humour.' + +Very little can now be added to this obituary notice, which appeared +in the __ for April, 1820. The young Irishman whose death it records +was born at Cork in 1786, received his education chiefly in London, +addicted himself to the law, and was early diverted into the +profession of letters, which he practised with great energy and +versatility. Besides the works mentioned above, he wrote a serio-comic +romance called _The Rising Sun_, and a farcical comedy, full of noise +and bustle, called _My Wife, What Wife?_ The choice of this last +phrase (sacred, if any words in poetry are sacred) for the title of a +rollicking farce indicates a certain bluntness of sensibility in the +author. He was young, and fell head over ears in love with cleverness; +he was a law-student, and took to political satire as a duck takes to +the rain; he was an Irishman, and found himself the master of a happy +Irish wit, clean, quick, and dainty, but no ways searching or +profound. At the back of all his satire there lies a simple social +creed, which he accepts from the middle-class code of his own time, +and does not question. The two of his works which achieved something +like fame, _Woman, a Poem_, and _The Heroine_, here reprinted, set +forth that creed, describing the ideal heroine in verse, and warning +her, in prose, against the extravagances that so easily beset her. The +mode in female character has somewhat changed since George was king, +and the pensive coyness set up as a model in the poem seems to a +modern reader almost as affected as the vagaries described in the +novel. Yet the poem has all the interest and brilliancy of an old +fashion-plate. Here is woman as she wished to be in the days of the +Regency, or perhaps as man wished her to be, for it is impossible to +say which began it. Both gloried in the contrast of their habits. If +man, in that age of the prize-ring and the press-gang, was +pre-eminently a drinking, swearing, fighting animal, his indelicacy +was redeemed by the shrinking graces of his mate. + + For woman is not undevelopt man, + But diverse: + +as the poet of the later nineteenth century sings. But Tennyson was +anticipated in this discovery by Mr. Barrett: + + Yes, heaven a contrast not unmeet, designed + Between the bearded and the blushing kind. + +Those who often see the bearded kind clad in overcoats, carrying +umbrellas, and timorous of social greetings, may have some difficulty +in recognizing the essential truth of the following lines, which +describe man in his grandeur, as his blushing consort loves to think of +him: + + Man, from those moments, when his infant age + Cried for the moon, ambitious aims engage, + One world subdued, more worlds he wishes given, + He piles his impious tower to clamber heaven; + Scoops cities under earth; erects his home + On mountains of wild surges, vales of foam; + Soars air, and high above the thunder runs, + Now flaked with sleet, now reddened under suns. + Even in his pastime man his soul reveals; + Raised with carousing shout, his goblet reels. + Now from his chase imperial lions fly, + And now he stakes a princedom on a die. + What would he more? The consecrated game + Of murder must transmit his epic name, + Some empire tempts him; at his stern command, + An armed cloud hails iron o'er the land. + Earth thunders underneath the pondrous tread, + Son slaughters sire, the dying stab the dead. + The vallies roar, that loved a warbling mood, + Their mutilated lilies float on blood; + And corpses sicken streams, and towns expire, + And colour the nocturnal clouds with fire. + Last, vultures pounce upon the finished strife, + And dabble in the plash of human life. + +Such is man, all magnificence and terror. And now a softly trilling +note ushers in the partner of his cares: + + But the meek female far from war removes, + Girt with the Graces and endearing Loves. + To rear the life we destine to destroy, + To bind the wound we plant, is her employ. + Her rapine is to press from healing bud, + Or healthful herb, the vegetable blood; + Her answer, at the martial blast abhorred, + Harmonic noise along the warbling chord. + To her belong light roundelay and reel, + To her the crackling hearth and humming wheel; + (Sounds of content!) to her the milky kine, + And Peace, O Woman, gentle Peace is thine. + +Their studies are as dissimilar as their tastes. Nothing less than a +comet will excite the curiosity of man; for woman the flower-garden is +science enough: + + Prone o'er abstruse research, let man expound + Dark causes; what abyss our planet drowned; + And where the fiery star its hundred years + Of absence travels, ere it re-appears. + To Woman, whose best books are human hearts, + Wise heaven a genius less profound imparts. + His awful, her's is lovely; his should tell + How thunderbolts, and her's how roses fell. + +Here is the genesis of the Early Victorian ideal of female beauty. The +author describes, with heart-felt sentiment, its graces and charms, + + The beautiful rebuke that looks surprise, + The gentle vengeance of averted eyes; + +--which last line so pleased him that it occurs again in _The +Farewell_ (Letter XXV of _The Heroine_). The shorter poem, like the +longer, has the indescribable old-world charm of a pressed rose-leaf, +an elegant tarnished mirror, a faded silken fan, a vanished mode. The +secret of this sentimental type of beauty perhaps lies here, that the +simplicity and shyness and ardour of youth are reduced, not by a +conscious science, but by the timid rules of propriety and modesty, to +the service of an all-prevailing coquetry. Ovid, as expounded by Mrs. +Chapone or Miss Hannah More, gains something in the delicacy of his +methods, and loses nothing of his empire: + + Ut quondam iuvenes, ita nunc, mea turba, puellae + Inscribant spoliis: Naso magister erat. + +It must be said, however, that the author of _Woman, a Poem_ does not +confine himself to the alluring graces. His best known and most quoted +lines are written in praise of courage and fidelity: + + Not she denied her God with recreant tongue, + Not she with traitrous kisses round him clung; + She, while Apostles shrank, could danger brave, + Last at his cross and earliest at his grave. + +If he were to survive in a single quotation, it is probably by these +lines that the author, who spent much labour on the revision and +polishing of his poem, would wish to be remembered. + +It may seem strange that the author of this romantic poem on Woman +should have been so ready to parody the new school of prose romance. +Miss Cherry Wilkinson, when she took the name of Cherubina, and +commenced heroine, might certainly have found some useful hints for her +behaviour in this earlier treatise. But the fact is that no parodist is +successful who has not at some time fallen deeply under the spell of +the literature that he parodies. Parody is, for the most part, a weak +and clinging kind of tribute to the force of its original. Very perfect +parodies, which catch the soul, as well as the form, of the models that +they imitate, almost lose their identity and become a part of that +which they were meant to ridicule. Feeble parodies, where poor matter, +not strong enough to speak for itself, claims notice by the aid of a +notorious tune, are even more conspicuously dependent on the vogue of +their original. The art of a tailor is seen in the cut of a coat; to +make a mechanical copy of it, substituting tartan or fustian for +velvet, is what any Chinese slave can do. It is form in literature +which is difficult to invent. When a poem or a story, by the +individuality and novelty of its form, has caught the public taste, +there are always some among its victims who are nothing if not +critical. They cannot forget it, yet it does not content them. They +think it narrow and partial in its conception; it does not mirror +Nature exactly as they see her; in short, they have ideas of their own. +These ideas perhaps have not vitality enough to create their own +definite form, so when a form is presented to them they seize on it for +their purpose. Hence every new and original kind in literature produces +a tribe of imitators, some of them contented imitators, who undersell +the first author with colourable copies; others discontented imitators, +or parodists, who offer their own substitute for the author's wares, +yet stamp it with his brand. The compliment is the same in either case; +and the effect is not much different, for nothing so quickly exhausts +the popularity of a work of art as its power of multiplying its kind. +Some congenital weakness, it is fair to say, there must have been in +the original, when the form designed for a single purpose serves so +many others. The weakness is not always easy to detect; but it is +always there. It may be the weakness of excess; an ample and +loose-folded robe like Walt Whitman's is characteristic of its wearer, +but can soon be adapted to a borrower. Or it may be the weakness of +defect; the music and solemnity of the _Psalm of Life_ are a world too +wide for the shrunken body of the thought that they conceal. A perfect +conception expressing itself inevitably in the form that has grown +with its growth defies imitators. The great things of Virgil and of +Dante suffer no parody. And this is what is meant by a classic. + +Yet lesser books have their day; and young authors, or old authors +trying a new kind of work, often begin by imitation. They discover +their genius by their failure. The famous parodies (so to call them) +are not parodies at all; their freedom from the servility of parody is +what has given them their place in literature. Cervantes may have +thought that he could criticize and banter the romances of chivalry by +telling the adventures of a poor and high-minded gentleman travelling +on the roads of Spain; but once the new situation was created it called +for a new treatment. Fielding doubtless intended to parody Richardson +by a tale of the chastity of a serving-man; and it is easy to see how a +mere wit would have carried out the design. But Fielding, like +Cervantes, was too rich in ideas, and too brave in purpose, to be +another man's mocking servitor. First Mrs. Slipslop incommodes the +framework by her intrusion, and then Parson Adams enters to complete +the disaster. The breakdown of these pretended parodies is always due +to the same cause--the appearance on an artificially designed scene of +real character. Character, where it is fully conceived, will not take +its orders from the scene-shifter; it reacts in surprising ways to +slight accidental provocations; it will not play the part or speak the +words assigned to it; it is consistent with nothing but itself; from +self-revelation it soon passes to self-assertion, and subdues the world +to its will, disordering all the puppet-show. + +It cannot be claimed for Eaton Stannard Barrett that he proved +superior to the task which he undertook. There is little or no real +character in _The Heroine_. Perhaps Jerry Sullivan, the faithful Irish +servitor, with his ready speech and bold resourcefulness, comes +nearest to the life, but even he is drawn, like Lever's comic +Irishmen, not intimately. A few touches of verisimilitude are +sufficient to portray a servant, whose business is to come when he is +called and to help others in their necessities. The heroine herself +has no breath in her; she is inconceivably credulous, impossibly +ignorant, and even while she talks the author often forgets her very +existence and speaks in her stead, so that she seems to be quizzing +her own fatuity. Perhaps this incompetent portraiture was to be +expected from the author of _Woman, a Poem_, but it takes some of the +edge off the fun of the book. Cherubina is not a girl, with silly, +flighty notions in her head, such as romance engenders, but a pedantic +female lawyer, determined to order her life, down to the smallest +detail, on precedents borrowed from her favourite reading. Miss +Austen's girls, in _Northanger Abbey_, talk like girls; Cherubina +talks like a book. Nevertheless, Miss Austen herself read _The +Heroine_, and confessed to the pleasure she had from it. It enjoyed a +high and brief reputation. The first edition appeared in 1813; the +second followed it in the space of a year; and in 1816 the author, +before he was thirty years old, may have read a notice of himself in +the _Biographical Dictionary of the Living Authors of Great Britain +and Ireland_ concluding with the following eulogy: 'This work (_The +Heroine_) has been pronounced not inferior in wit and humour to +Tristram Shandy, and in point of plot and interest infinitely beyond +Don Quixote.' + +Let us save what remnants we can of this monstrous pronouncement. Of +character, as has been said, there is next to none in _The Heroine_; +so that only those who can read _Don Quixote_ and _Tristram Shandy_, +careless of the characters portrayed, might possibly be able to return +a verdict on the comparison. There are many readers of books who +grudge labour spent on character-drawing; the long colloquies between +Don Quixote and Sancho or between my Uncle Toby and Corporal Trim they +would be glad to see abbreviated, so they might get back to the +confusion and bustle of life. Why all this dissection of the heart, +while there are crowns to be broke? What the soldier said is not +evidence; it is what he did that they desire to hear. For readers of +this temper there is abundance of entertainment in _The Heroine_, if +once they can bring themselves to accept the perilously slender +illusion. The scenes described are as full of movement as a +harlequinade. No Irish fair is richer in incident. And there is such a +flow of high spirits; the author carries the whole business through +with such unflagging zest, that the farce, though it hardly ever +touches on the confines of comedy, is pleasant farce, instinct with +good nature and good fellowship. Those who like a book that saves them +from the more exacting companionship of their own thoughts might do +worse than read _The Heroine_. + +This is lukewarm praise; but the book has a stronger claim than this +on the interest of the reader; it marks a crisis in literary history. +The author was a well-read man, and all the fashionable literature of +his day is reflected in his pages. He was familiar with the essayists +and moralists of the eighteenth century; indeed, he often falls into +their attitude in his opposition to the extravagances of the Romantic +movement. His parody of Johnson's later style is one of the very best +of the multitude of Johnsonian imitations. Boswell, writing before +1791, was able to enumerate a distinguished array of disciples and +copyists, among them Hugh Blair, Professor of Rhetoric at Edinburgh, +George Colman the elder, Robertson the historian, Gibbon, Miss Burney, +Mrs. Barbauld, Henry Mackenzie, Vicesimus Knox, and last, John Young, +Professor of Greek at Glasgow, whose _Criticism on the Elegy written +in a Country Church-yard, being a continuation of Dr. Johnson's +Criticism on the Poems of Gray_ (1783) is rightly praised by Boswell +as the most perfect of all professed imitations of Johnson's style. It +is only half a parody; Johnson's method in criticism has been so +thoroughly assimilated by the author, that some of Johnson's strong +sense filters in here and there as if by oversight. Horace Walpole +said of it, acutely enough, that the author seemed to wish to be taken +by Gray's admirers for a ridiculer of Johnson, and by Johnson's +admirers for a censurer of Gray. But if this is the best imitation of +Johnson's critical manner, his biographical style and his light +occasional verse have never been so happily mimicked as in the +_Memoirs of James Higginson, by Himself_, which occur in Letter X of +_The Heroine_. Johnson continued to be the most influential teacher of +English prose until Macaulay, by introducing a more glittering kind of +antithesis and a freer use of the weapons of offence in criticism, +usurped his supremacy. + +A more voluminous and easier literature had enthralled the popular +taste for some thirty or forty years before the author of _The +Heroine_ delivered his attack. Only a few are now remembered even by +name of that horde of romances which issued from the cheap presses, in +the train of Mrs. Radcliffe. It is reasonable to suppose that many of +them, which had not the help of that great preservative of a bad book, +good binding, have perished from off the face of the earth. They are +not yet old enough to be precious, as Elizabethan trash is precious, +and doubtless the surviving copies of some of them are even now being +cast out from lumber-rooms and remote country libraries, to suffer +their fate by fire. Their names are scattered plentifully up and down +the _Bibliotheca Britannica_ and other monumental compilations, where +books that go under in their fight against time have Christian burial +and a little headstone reserved for them. In _The Heroine_ only the +chief of them are referred to by name. The romances of Mrs. +Radcliffe--_The Mysteries of Udolpho_, _The Italian_, and _The Bravo +of Venice_--are praised as being 'often captivating and seldom +detrimental'. The rivals of Mrs. Radcliffe who wrote those enormously +popular works, _The Children of the Abbey_ and _Caroline of +Lichtfield_, receive a less respectful treatment. At the close of his +book the author of _The Heroine_ summarizes his indictment against +these and their kind: 'They present us with incidents and characters +which we can never meet in the world; and act upon the mind like +intoxicating stimulants; first elevate, and then enervate it. They +teach us to revel in ideal scenes of transport and distraction; and +harden our hearts against living misery, by making us so refined as to +feel disgust at its unpoetical accompaniments.' Throughout the book he +keeps up a running fire of criticism. When Cherubina visits +Westminster Abbey, 'It is the first,' she says, 'that I have ever +seen, though I had read of thousands.' She apologizes for using the +vulgar word 'home'--'you know that a mere home is my horror'. She +confesses that she is very inadequately armed with religion--'I knew +nothing of religion except from novels; and in these, though the +devotion of heroines is sentimental and graceful to a degree, it never +influences their acts, or appears connected with their moral duties. +It is so speculative and generalized, that it would answer the Greek +or the Persian church, as well as the Christian; and none but the +picturesque and enthusiastic part is presented; such as kissing a +cross, chanting a vesper with elevated eyes, or composing a +well-worded prayer.' + +The notable thing is that this attack on the novels of the day was not +an isolated protest; it expressed the general mind and echoed the +current opinion. Miss Austen, with more suavity and art, had long +before said the same thing. The romance was declining; it had become a +cheap mechanical thing; and the mind of the nation was turning away +from it to reinstate those teachers of moral prudence whose influence +had been impaired by the flood, but not destroyed. If any one had been +rash enough, in the year 1814, to prophesy the future of literature, he +would have been justified in saying that, to all appearances, the prose +romance was dead. It had fallen into its dotage, and the hand of Eaton +Stannard Barrett had killed it. _The Heroine_ seemed to mark the end +of an age of romance, and the beginning of a new era of sententious +prose. + +Such a prophet would have been approved by _The Edinburgh Review_ and +all the best judges of the time. He would have been wrong, for he +could not foresee the accident of genius. Walter Scott, like Cherubina +(whose adventures he read and applauded), had fallen a victim to the +fascinations of the writers of romance, yet, unlike her, had not +allowed them to deprive him of all acquaintance with 'a more useful +class of composition' and the toils of active life. Romance was what +he cared for, and he brought the sobriety and learning of a judge to +the task of vindicating his affection. He proved that the old romantic +stories are convincing enough if only the blood of life flows through +them. His great panoramas of history are exhibited in the frame-work +of a love-plot. In place of the feeble comic interest of the earlier +romances he supplied a rich and various tissue of national character +and manners. Ancient legend and song, fable and superstition, live +again in his work. And, as if Cherubina's unhappy experiences had all +been in vain, there is always a heroine. The readers who had been +laughed into scepticism by the wit of the enemy were within a few +years won back to poetry and romance; Cherubina was deposed, and in +her place there reigned the Bride of Lammermoor. + +WALTER RALEIGH. + +OXFORD, + +_Christmas, 1908._ + + + + +THE HEROINE, + +OR + +ADVENTURES OF A FAIR ROMANCE READER, + + +BY + +EATON STANNARD BARRETT, ESQ. + + * * * * * + +"L'Histoire d'une femme est toujours un Roman." + + * * * * * + +_IN THREE VOLUMES._ + +VOL. I. + + * * * * * + +LONDON: +PRINTED FOR HENRY COLBURN, +PUBLIC LIBRARY, CONDUIT-STREET, HANOVER-SQUARE; +AND SOLD BY GEORGE GOLDIE, EDINBURGH, +AND JOHN CUMMING, DUBLIN. + +1813. + + + + + TO THE RIGHT HONORABLE GEORGE CANNING &c. &c. &c. + + Sir, + + It was the happiness of STERNE to have dedicated his volumes to a + PITT. It is my ambition to inscribe this work to you. My wishes + would be complete, could I resemble the writer as you do the + statesman. + + I have the honor to be, + + Sir, + + Your most sincere, and most humble servant, + + E. S. BARRETT. + + + + +THE HEROINE TO THE READER + + +Attend, gentle and intelligent reader; for I am not the fictitious +personage whose memoirs you will peruse in 'The Heroine;' but I am a +corporeal being, and an inhabitant of another world. + +Know, that the moment a mortal manuscript is written out in a legible +hand, and the word End or Finis annexed thereto, whatever characters +happen to be sketched in it (whether imaginary, biographical, or +historical), acquire the quality of creating and effusing a sentient +soul or spirit, which instantly takes flight, and ascends through the +regions of air, till it arrives at the MOON; where it is then embodied, +and becomes a living creature; the precise counterpart, in mind and +person, of its literary prototype. + +Know farther, that all the towns, villages, rivers, hills, and vallies +of the moon, owe their origin, in a similar manner, to the descriptions +given by writers of those on earth; and that all the lunar trades and +manufactures, fleets and coins, stays for men, and boots for ladies, +receive form and substance here, from terrestrial books on war and +commerce, pamphlets on bullion, and fashionable magazines. + +Works consisting of abstract argument, ethics, metaphysics, polemics, +&c. which, from their very nature, cannot become tangible essences, +send up their ideas, in whispers, to the moon; where the tribe of +talking birds receive, and repeat them for the Lunarians. So that it is +not unusual to hear a mitred parrot screaming a political sermon, or a +fashionable jay twittering unfigurative canzonets. These birds then are +our philosophers; and so great is their value, that they sell for as +much as your patriots. + +The moment, however, that a book becomes obsolete on earth, the +personages, countries, manners, and things recorded in it, lose, by the +law of sympathy, their existence in the moon. + +This, most grave reader, is but a short and imperfect sketch of the way +we Moonites live and die. I shall now give you some account of what has +happened to me since my coming hither. + +It is something more than three lunar hours; or, in other words, about +three terrestrial days ago, that, owing to the kindness of some human +gentleman or other (to whom I take this opportunity of returning my +grateful thanks), I became conscious of existence. Like the Miltonic +Eve, almost the first thing I did was to peep into the water, and +admire my face;--a very pretty one, I assure you, dear reader. I then +perceived advancing a lank and grimly figure in armour, who introduced +himself as Don Quixote; and we soon found each other kindred souls. + +We walked, hand in hand, through a beautiful tract of country called +Terra Fertilitatis; for your Selenographers, Langrenus, Florentius, +Grimaldus, Ricciolus, and Hevelius of Dantzic, have given proper names +to the various portions of our hemisphere. + +As I proceeded, I met the Radcliffian, Rochian, and other heroines; but +they tossed their heads, and told me pertly that I was a slur on the +sisterhood; while some went so far as to say I had a design upon their +lives. They likewise shunned the Edgeworthian heroines, whom they +thought too comic, moral, and natural. + +I met the Lady of the Lake, and shook hands with her; but her hand felt +rather hard from the frequent use of the oar; and I spoke to the Widow +Dido, but she had her old trick of turning on her heel, without +answering a civil question. + +I found the Homeric Achilles broiling his own beefsteaks, as usual; the +Homeric Princesses drawing water, and washing linen; the Virgilian +Trojans eating their tables, and the Livian Hannibal melting mountains +with the patent vinegar of an advertisement. + +The little boy in the Æneid had introduced the amusement of whipping +tops; and Musidora had turned bathing-woman at a halfpenny a dip. + +A Cæsar, an Alexander, and an Alfred, were talking politics, and +quaffing the Horatian Falernian, at the Garter Inn of Shakespeare. A +Catiline was holding forth on Reform, and a Hanno was advising the +recall of a victorious army. + +As I walked along, a parcel of Moonites, fresh from your newspapers, +just popped up their heads, nodded, and died. About twenty statesmen +come to us in this way almost every day; and though some of them are of +the same name, and drawn from the same original, they are often as +unlike each other as so many clouds. The Buonapartes, thus sent, are, +in general, hideous fellows. However, your Parliamentary Reports +sometimes agreeably surprise us with most respectable characters of +that name. + +On my way, I could observe numbers of patients dying, according as the +books that had created them were sinking into oblivion. The Foxian +James was paraded about in a sedan chair, and considered just gone; and +a set of politicians, entitled All the Talents, who had once made a +terrible noise among us, lay sprawling in their last agonies. But the +most extensive mortality ever known here was caused by the burning of +the Alexandrian Library. This forms quite an æra in the Lunar Annals; +and it is called The great Conflagration. + +I had attempted to pluck an apple from a tree that grew near the road; +but, to my surprise, grasped a vacuum; and while Don Quixote was +explaining to me that this phænomenon arose from the Berkeleian system +of immaterialism; and that this apple was only a globular idea, I heard +a squeaking voice just beside me cry: + +'I must remark, Madam, that the writer who sent you among us had far +too much to say, and too little to do.' + +I looked round, but saw nobody. + +''Tis Junius,' observed Don Quixote. 'He was invisible on earth, and +therefore must be so here. Do not mind his bitter sayings.' + +'An author,' continued the satirist, 'who has judgment enough to write +wit, should have judgment enough to prevent him from writing it.' + +'Sir,' said Don Quixote, 'if, by his works of wit, he can attain +popularity, he will ensure a future attention to his works of judgment. +So here is at thee, caitiff!' and closing his visor, he ran atilt at +pure space. + +'Nay,' cried Junius, 'let us not quarrel, though we differ. Mind +unopposed by mind, fashions false opinions of its own, and degenerates +from its original rectitude. The stagnant pool resolves into putridity. +It is the conflict of the waters which keeps them pure.' + +'Except in dropsical cases, I presume,' said Tristram Shandy, who just +then came up, with his Uncle Toby. 'How goes it, heroine? How goes +it?--By the man in the moon, the moment I heard of your arrival here, I +gave three exulting flourishes of my hand, thus 1 2 3 then applying my +middle finger to my thumb, and compressing them, by means of the +flexory muscles, I shot them asunder transversely; so that the finger +coming plump upon the aponeurosis-- + + * * * * * + +In short,--for I don't much like the manner in which I am getting on +with the description--I snapped my fingers. + +'Now, Madam, I will bet the whole of Kristmanus's, Capuanus's, +Schihardus's, Phocylides's, and Hanzelius's estates,--which are the +best on our disk,--to as much landed property as could be shovelled +into your shoe--that you will get miserably mauled by their reverences, +the Scotch Reviewers. My life for it, these lads will say that your +character is a mere daub drawn in distemper--the colouring too +rich--the hair too golden--an eyelash too much--then, that the book +itself has too little of the rational and argumentative;--that the +fellow merely wrote it to make the world laugh,--which, an' please your +reverences, is the gravest occupation an author can chuse;--that some +of its incidents are plastered as thick as butter on the bread of +Mamma's darling; others so diluted, that they wash down the bread and +butter most unpalatably, and the rest unconducive to the plot, moral, +and peripeteia. In short, Madam, it will appear that the work has every +fault which must convict it Aristotellically and Edinburgo--reviewically, +in the eyes of ninety-nine barbati; but which will leave it not the +ninety-ninth part of a gry the worse in the eyes of fifteen millions +of honest Englishmen; besides several very respectable ladies and +gentlemen yet unborn, and nations yet undiscovered, who will read +translations of it in languages yet unspoken. Bless me, what hacking +they will have at you! Small sword and broad sword--staff and +stiletto--flankonnade and cannonade--hurry-scurry--right wing and +left wing----' + +But Tristram paused short in consternation; for his animated +description of a fight had roused the military spirits of Don Quixote +and Captain Shandy, who were already at hard knocks; the one with his +spear, and the other with his crutch. I therefore took this occasion of +escaping. + +And now day begins to decline; and your globe, which never sets to us, +will soon shed her pale earthshine over the landscape. O how serene, +how lovely these regions! Here are no hurricanes, or clouds, or +vapours. Here heroines cannot sigh; for here there is no air to sigh +withal. Here, in our great pits, poetically called vallies, we retire +from all moonly cares; or range through the meads of Cysatus or +Gruemberget, and luxuriate in the coolness of the Conical Penumbra. + +I trust you will feel, dear reader, that you now owe more to my +discoveries than to those of Endymion, Copernicus, Tycho Brahe, +Galileus, and Newton. I pray you, therefore, to reward my services with +a long and happy life; though much I fear I shall not obtain it. For, I +am told, that two little shining specks, called England and Ireland +(which we can just see with our glasses on your globe), are the places +that I must depend upon for my health and prosperity. Now, if they +fall, I must fall with them; and I fancy they have seen the best of +their days already. A parrot informs me, that they are at daggers drawn +with a prodigious blotch just beside them; and that their most approved +patriots daily indite pamphlets to shew how they cannot hold out ten +years longer. The Sternian Starling assured me just now that these +patriots write the triumphs of their country in the most commiserating +language; and portray her distresses with exultation. Of course, +therefore, they conceive that her glories would undo her, and that +nothing can save her but her calamities. So, since she is conquering +away at a great rate, I may fairly infer that she is on her last legs. + +Before I conclude, I must inform you of how I shall have this letter +conveyed to your world. Laplace, and other philosophers, have already +proved, that a stone projected by a volcano, from the moon, and with +the velocity of a mile and a half per second, would be thrown beyond +the sphere of the moon's attraction, and enter into the confines of the +earth's. Now, hundreds have attested on oath, that they have seen +luminous meteors moving through the sky; and that these have fallen on +the earth, in stony or semi-metallic masses. Therefore, say the +philosophers, these masses came all the way from the moon. And they say +perfectly right. Believe it piously, dear reader, and quote me as your +authority. + +It is by means of one of these stones that I shall contrive to send you +this letter. I have written it on asbestus, in liquid gold (as both +these substances are inconsumable by fire); and I will fasten it to the +top of a volcanic mountain, which is expected to explode in another +hour. + +Alas, alas, short-sighted mortals! how little ye foresee the havoc that +will happen hereafter, from the pelting of these pitiless stones. For, +about the time of the millenium, the doctrine of projectiles will be so +prodigiously improved, that while there is universal peace upon earth, +the planets will go to war with each other. Then shall we Lunarians, +like true satellites, turn upon our benefactors, and instead of merely +trying our small shot (as at present), we will fire off whole +mountains; while you, from your superior attraction, will find it +difficult to hit us at all. The consequence must be, our losing so much +weight, that we shall approach, by degrees, nearer and nearer to you; +'till at last, both globes will come slap together, flatten each other +out, like the pancakes of Glasse's Cookery, and rush headlong into +primeval chaos. + +Such will be the consummation of all things. + +Adieu. + + + + +THE HEROINE + + + + +LETTER I + + +My venerable Governess, guardian of my youth, must I then behold you no +more? No more, at breakfast, find your melancholy features shrouded in +an umbrageous cap, a novel in one hand, a cup in the other, and tears +springing from your eyes, at the tale too tender, or at the tea too +hot? Must I no longer wander with you through painted meadows, and by +purling rivulets? Motherless, am I to be bereft of my more than mother, +at the sensitive age of fifteen? What though papa caught the Butler +kissing you in the pantry? What though he turned you by the shoulder +out of his house? I am persuaded that the kiss was maternal, not +amorous, and that the interesting Butler is your son. + +Perhaps you married early in life, and without the knowledge of your +parents. A gipsy stole the pretty pledge of your love; and at length, +you have recognized him by the scar on his cheek. Happy, happy mother! + +Happy too, perhaps, in being cast upon the world, unprotected and +defamed; while I am doomed to endure the security of a home, and the +dullness of an unimpeached reputation. For me, there is no hope +whatever of being reduced to despair. I am condemned to waste my +health, bloom, and youth, in a series of uninterrupted prosperity. + +It is not, my friend, that I wish for ultimate unhappiness, but that I +am anxious to suffer present sorrow, in order to secure future +felicity: an improvement, you will own, on the system of other girls, +who, to enjoy the passing moment, run the risk of being wretched for +ever after. Have not all persons their favorite pursuits in life, and +do not all brave fatigue, vexation, and calumny, for the purpose of +accomplishing them? One woman aspires to be a beauty, another a title, +a third a belle esprit; and to effect these objects, health is +sacrificed, reputation tainted, and peace of mind destroyed. Now my +ambition is to be a Heroine, and how can I hope to succeed in my +vocation, unless I, too, suffer privations and inconveniences? Besides, +have I not far greater merit in getting a husband by sentiment, +adventure, and melancholy, than by dressing, gadding, dancing, and +singing? For heroines are just as much on the alert to get husbands, as +other young ladies; and to say the truth, I would never voluntarily +subject myself to misfortunes, were I not certain that matrimony would +be the last of them. But even misery itself has its consolations and +advantages. It makes one, at least, look interesting, and affords an +opportunity for ornamental murmurs. Besides, it is the mark of a +refined mind. Only fools, children, and savages, are happy. + +With these sentiments, no wonder I should feel discontented at my +present mode of life. Such an insipid routine, always, always, always +the same. Rising with no better prospect than to make breakfast for +papa. Then 'tis, 'Good morrow, Cherry,' or 'is the paper come, Cherry?' +or 'more cream, Cherry,' or 'what shall we have to dinner, Cherry?' At +dinner, nobody but a farmer or the Parson; and nothing talked but +politics and turnips. After tea I am made sing some fal lal la of a +ditty, and am sent to bed with a 'Good night, pretty miss,' or 'sweet +dear.' The clowns! + +Now, instead of this, just conceive me a child of misery, in a castle, +a convent, or a cottage; becoming acquainted with the hero by his +saving my life--I in beautiful confusion--'Good Heaven, what an angel!' +cries he--then sudden love on both sides--in two days he kisses my +hand. Embarrassments--my character suspected--a quarrel--a +reconciliation--fresh embarrassments.--O Biddy, what an irreparable +loss to the public, that a victim of thrilling sensibility, like me, +should be thus idling her precious time over the common occupations of +life!--prepared as I am, too, by a five years' course of novels (and +you can bear witness that I have read little else), to embody and +ensoul those enchanting reveries, which I am accustomed to indulge in +bed and bower, and which really constitute almost the whole happiness +of my life. + +That I am not deficient in the qualities requisite for a heroine, is +indisputable. All the world says I am handsome, and it would be +melancholy were all the world in error. My form is tall and aërial, my +face Grecian, my tresses flaxen, my eyes blue and sleepy. But the great +point is, that I have a remarkable mole just over my left temple. Then, +not only peaches, roses, and Aurora, but snow, lilies, and alabaster, +may, with perfect propriety, be adopted in a description of my skin. I +confess I differ from other heroines in one point. They, you may +remark, are always unconscious of their charms; whereas, I am, I fear, +convinced of mine, beyond all hope of retraction. + +There is but one serious flaw in my title to Heroine--the mediocrity of +my lineage. My father is descended from nothing better than a decent +and respectable family. He began life with a thousand pounds, purchased +a farm, and by his honest and disgusting industry, has realized fifty +thousand. Were even my legitimacy suspected, it would be some comfort; +since, in that case, I should assuredly start forth, at one time or +other, the daughter of some plaintive nobleman, who lives retired, and +slaps his forehead. + +One more subject perplexes me. It is my name; and what a name--Cherry! +It reminds one so much of plumpness and ruddy health. Cherry--better be +called Pine-apple at once. There is a green and yellow melancholy in +Pine-apple, that is infinitely preferable. I wonder whether Cherry +could possibly be an abbreviation of CHERUBINA. 'Tis only changing y +into ubina, and the name becomes quite classic. Celestina, Angelina, +Seraphina, are all of the same family. But Cherubina sounds so +empyrean, so something or other beyond mortality; and besides I have +just a face for it. Yes, Cherubina I am resolved to be called, now and +for ever. + +But you must naturally wish to learn what has happened here, since your +departure. I was in my boudoir, reading the Delicate Distress, when I +heard a sudden bustle below, and 'Out of the house, this moment,' +vociferated by my father. The next minute he was in my room with a face +like fire. + +'There!' cried he, 'I knew what your famous romances would do for us at +last.' + +'Pray, Sir, what?' asked I, with the calm dignity of injured innocence. + +'Only a kissing match between the Governess and the Butler,' answered +he. 'I caught them at the sport in the pantry.' + +I was petrified. 'Dear Sir,' said I, 'you must surely mistake.' + +'No such thing,' cried he. 'The kiss was too much of a smacker for +that:--it rang through the pantry. But please the fates, she shall +never darken my doors again. I have just discharged both herself and +her swain; and what is better, I have ordered all the novels in the +house to be burnt, by way of purification. As they love to talk of +flames, I suppose they will like to feel them.' He spoke, and ran +raging out of the room. + +Adieu, then, ye dear romances, adieu for ever. No more shall I +sympathize with your heroines, while they faint, and blush, and weep, +through four half-bound octavos. Adieu ye Edwins, Edgars, and Edmunds; +ye Selinas, Evelinas, Malvinas; ye inas all adieu! The flames will +consume you all. The melody of Emily, the prattle of Annette, and the +hoarseness of Ugo, all will be confounded in one indiscriminate +crackle. The Casa and Castello will blaze with equal fury; nor will the +virtue of Pamela aught avail to save; nor Wolmar delighting to see his +wife in a swoon; nor Werter shelling peas and reading Homer, nor +Charlotte cutting bread and butter for the children. + +You, too, my loved governess, I regret extremely. + +Adieu. + +CHERUBINA. + + + + +LETTER II + + +It was not till this morning, that a thought of the most interesting +nature flashed across my mind. Pondering on the cruel conduct of my +reputed father, in having burnt my novels, and discharged you, without +even allowing us to take a hysterical farewell, I was struck with the +sudden notion that the man is not my father at all. In short, I began +with wishing this the case, and have ended with believing it. My +reasons are irresistible, and deduced from strong and stubborn facts. +For, first, there is no likeness between this Wilkinson and me. 'Tis +true, he has blue eyes, like myself, but has he my pouting lip and +dimple? He has the flaxen hair, but can he execute the rosy smile? +Next, is it possible, that I, who was born a heroine, and who must +therefore have sprung from an idle and illustrious family, should be +the daughter of a farmer, a thrifty, substantial, honest farmer? The +thing is absurd on the face of it, and never will I tamely submit to +such an indignity. + +Full of this idea, I dressed myself in haste, resolving to question +Wilkinson, to pierce into his inmost soul, to speak daggers to him; and +if he should not unfold the mystery of my birth, to fly from his house +for ever. With a palpitating heart, I descended the stairs, rushed into +the breakfast-room, and in a moment was at the feet of my persecutor. +My hands were folded across my bosom, and my blue eyes raised to his +face. + +'Heyday, Cherry,' said he, laughing, 'this is a new flourish. There, +child, now fancy yourself stabbed, and come to breakfast.' + +'Hear me,' cried I. + +'Why,' said he, 'you keep your countenance as stiff and steady as the +face on our rapper.' + +'A countenance,' cried I, 'is worth keeping, when the features are a +proof of the descent, and vindicate the noble birth from the baseness +of the adoption.' + +'Come, come,' said he, 'your cup is full all this time.' + +'And so is my heart,' cried I, pressing it expressively. + +'What is the meaning of this mummery?' said he. + +'Hear me, Wilkinson,' cried I, rising with dignified tranquillity. +'Candor is at once the most amiable and the most difficult of virtues; +and there is more magnanimity in confessing an error, than in never +committing one.' + +'Confound your written sentences,' cried he, 'can't you come to the +point?' + +'Then, Sir,' said I, 'to be plain and explicit, learn, that I have +discovered a mystery in my birth, and that you--you, Wilkinson, are +not--my real Father!' + +I pronounced these words with a measured emphasis, and one of my +ineffable looks. Wilkinson coloured like scarlet and stared steadily in +my face. + +'Would you scandalize the mother that bore you?' cried he, fiercely. + +'No, Wilkinson,' answered I, 'but you would, by calling yourself my +father.' + +'And if I am not,' said he, 'what the mischief must _you_ be?' + +'An illustrious heiress,' cried I, 'snatched from my parents in her +infancy;--snatched by thee, vile agent of the diabolical conspiracy!' + +He looked aghast. + +'Tell me then,' continued I, 'miserable man, tell me where my dear, my +distracted father lingers out the remnant of his wretched days? My +mother too--or say, am I indeed an orphan?' + +Still he remained mute, and gazed on me with a searching intensity. I +raised my voice: + +'Expiate thy dire offences, restore an outcast to her birthright, make +atonement, or _tremble at retribution_!' + +I thought the farmer would have sunk into the ground. + +'Nay,' continued I, lowering my voice, 'think not I thirst for +vengeance. I myself will intercede for thee, and stay the sword of +Justice. Poor wretch! I want not thy blood.' + +The culprit had now reached the climax of agony, and writhed through +every limb and feature. + +'What!' cried I, 'can nothing move thee to confess thy crimes? Then +hear me. Ere Aurora with rosy fingers shall unbar the eastern gate----' + +'My child, my child, my dear darling daughter!' exclaimed this +accomplished crocodile, bursting into tears, and snatching me to his +bosom, 'what have they done to you? What phantom, what horrid disorder +is distracting my treasure?' + +'Unhand me, guileful adulator,' cried I, 'and try thy powers of +tragedy elsewhere, for--_I know thee!_' I spoke, and extricated myself +from his embrace. + +'Dreadful, dreadful!' muttered he. 'Her sweet senses are lost.' Then +turning to me: 'My love, my life, do not speak thus to your poor old +father.' + +'Father!' exclaimed I, accomplishing with much accuracy that hysterical +laugh, which (gratefully let me own) I owe to your instruction; +'Father!' + +The fat farmer covered his face with his hands, and rushed out of the +room. + +I relate the several conversations, in a dramatic manner, and word for +word, as well as I can recollect them, since I remark that all heroines +do the same. Indeed I cannot enough admire the fortitude of these +charming creatures, who, while they are in momentary expectation of +losing their lives, or their honours, or both, sit down with the utmost +unconcern, and indite the wittiest letters in the world. They have even +sufficient presence of mind to copy the vulgar dialect, uncooth +phraseology, and bad grammar, of the villains whom they dread; and all +this in the neatest and liveliest style imaginable. + +Adieu. + + + +LETTER III + + +Soon after my last letter, I was summoned to dinner. What heroine in +distress but loaths her food? so I sent a message that I was unwell, +and then solaced myself with a volume of the Mysteries of Udolpho, +which had escaped the conflagration. At ten, I flung myself on my bed, +in hopes to have dreams portentous of my future fate; for heroines are +remarkably subject to a certain prophetic sort of night-mare. You +remember the story that Ludovico read, of a spectre who beckons a baron +from his castle in the dead of night, and leading him into a forest, +points to his own corpse, and bids him bury it. Well, owing, I suppose, +to my having just read this episode, and to my having fasted so long, I +had the following dreams. + +Methought a delicious odour of viands attracted me to the kitchen, +where I found an iron pot upon the fire simmering in unison with my +sighs. As I looked at it with a longing eye, the lid began to rise, and +I beheld a half-boiled turkey stalk majestically forth. It beckoned me +with its claw. I followed. It led me into the yard, and pointed to its +own head and feathers, which were lying in a corner. I felt infinitely +affected. + +Straight the scene changed. I found myself seated at a dinner-table; +and while I was expecting the repast, lo, the Genius of Dinner +appeared. He had a mantle laced with silver eels, and his locks were +dropping with costly soups. A crown of golden fishes was on his head, +and pheasants' wings at his shoulders. A flight of little tartlets +fluttered around him, and the sky rained down hock, comfits, and Tokay. +As I gazed on him, he vanished, in a sigh, that was strongly +impregnated with the fumes of brandy. What vulgar, what disgusting +visions, when I ought to have dreamt of nothing but coffins and ladies +in black. + +At breakfast, this morning, Wilkinson affected the most tender +solicitude for my health; and as I now watched his words, I could +discover in almost all that he said, something to confirm my surmise of +his not being my father. + +After breakfast a letter was handed to him, which he read, and then +gave to me. It was as follows: + + London. + + In accepting your invitation to Sylvan Lodge, my respected friend, + I am sure I shall confer a far greater favor on myself, than, as + you kindly tell me, I shall on you. After an absence of seven + years, spent in the seclusion of a college, and the fatigues of a + military life, how delightful to revisit the scene of my childhood, + and those who contribute to render its memory so dear! I left you + while you were my guardian; I return to you with the assurances of + finding you a friend. Let me but find you what I left you, and you + shall take what title you please. + + Yet, much as I flatter myself with your retaining all your former + feelings towards me, I must expect a serious alteration in those of + my friend Cherry. Will she again make me her playmate? Again climb + my shoulders, and gallop me round the lawn? Are we to renew all our + little quarrels, then kiss and be friends? Shall we even recognize + each other's features, through their change from childhood to + maturity? There is, at least, one feature of our early days, that, + I trust, has undergone no alteration--our mutual affection and + friendship. + + I fear I cannot manage matters so as to be with you before ten + to-morrow night: remember I bespeak my old room. + + Ever affectionately your's, + + ROBERT STUART. + + + To Gregory Wilkinson, Esq. + + 'There,' cries the farmer, 'if I have deprived you of an old woman, + I have got you a young man. Large estates, you know;--handsome, + fashionable;--come, pluck up a heart, my girl; ay, egad, and steal + one too.' + + I rose, gave him one of my ineffable looks, and retired to my + chamber. + + 'So,' said I, locking my door, and flinging myself on the bed, + 'this is something like misery. Here is a precious project against + my peace. I am to be forced into marriage, am I? And with whom? A + man whose legitimacy is unimpeached, and whose friends would + certainly consent. His name Robert too:--master Bobby, as the + servants used to call him. A fellow that mewed like a cat, when he + was whipt. O my Bob! what a pretty monosyllable for a girl like me + to pronounce. Now, indeed, my wretchedness is complete; the cup is + full, even to overflowing. An orphan, or at least an outcast; + immured in the prison of a proud oppressor--threatened with a + husband of decent birth, parentage and education--my governess + gone, my novels burnt, what is left to me but flight? Yes, I will + roam through the wide world in search of my parents; I will ransack + all the sliding pannels and tapestries in Italy; I will explore Il + Castello Di Udolpho, and will then enter the convent of Ursulines, + or Carmelites, or Santa della Pieta, or the Abbey of La Trappe. + Here I meet with nothing better than smiling faces and honest + hearts; or at best, with but sneaking villains. No precious + scoundrels are here, no horrors, or atrocities, worth mentioning. + But abroad I shall encounter banditti, monks, daggers, racks--O ye + celebrated terrors, when shall I taste of you?' + +I then lay planning an elopement, till I was called to dinner. + +Adieu. + + + +LETTER IV + + +O my friend, such a discovery!--a parchment and a picture. But you +shall hear. + +After dinner I stole into Wilkinson's study, in hopes of finding, +before my flight, some record or relic, that might aid me in +unravelling the mystery of my birth. As heroines are privileged to +ransack private drawers, and read whatever they find there, I opened +Wilkinson's scrutoire, without ceremony. But what were my sensations, +when I discovered in a corner of it, an antique piece of tattered +parchment, scrawled all over, in uncouth characters, with this +frightful fragment. + + _This Indenture_ + For and in consideration of + Doth grant, bargain, release + Possession, and to his heirs and assigns + Lands of Sylvan Lodge, in the + Trees, stones, quarries. + Reasonable amends and satisfaction + This demise + Molestation of him the said Gregory Wilkinson + The natural life of + Cherry Wilkinson only daughter of + De Willoughby eldest son of Thomas + Lady Gwyn of Gwyn Castle. + +O Biddy, does not your blood run cold at this horrible scrawl? for +already you must have decyphered its terrific import. The part lost may +be guessed from the part left. In short, it is a written covenant +between this Gregory Wilkinson, and the miscreant (whom my being an +heiress had prevented from enjoying the title and estate that would +devolve to him at my death), stipulating to give Wilkinson 'Sylvan +Lodge,' together with 'trees, stones, quarries, &c.' as 'reasonable +amends and satisfaction,' for being the instrument of my 'Demise;' +and declaring that there shall be 'no molestation of him the said +Gregory Wilkinson,' for taking away 'the natural life of Cherry +Wilkinson'--'only daughter of----' something--'De Willoughby, eldest +son of Thomas'--What an unfortunate chasm! Then follows, 'Lady Gwyn of +Gwyn Castle.' So that it is evident I am at least a De Willoughby, and +if not noble myself, related to nobility. For what confirms me in this +supposition of my relationship to Lady Gwyn, is an old portrait which I +found a few minutes after, in one of Wilkinson's drawers, representing +a young and beautiful female dressed in a superb style, and underneath +it, in large letters, the name of, 'NELL GWYN.' + +Distraction! what shall I do? Whither turn? To sleep another night +under the same roof with a wretch, who has bound himself to assassinate +me, would be little short of madness. My plan, therefore, is already +arranged for flight, and this very evening I mean to begin my +pilgrimage. + +The picture and parchment I will hide in my bosom during my journey; +and I will also carry with me a small bandbox, containing my satin +slip, a pair of silk stockings, my spangled muslin, and all my jewels. +For as some benevolent duchess may possibly take me into her family, +and her son persecute me, I might just as well look decent, you know. + +On mature deliberation, I have resolved to take but five guineas with +me, since more would make me too comfortable, and tempt me, in some +critical moment, to extricate myself from distress. + +I shall leave the following billet on my toilet. + + To Gregory Wilkinson, Farmer. + + Sir, + + When this letter meets your eye, the wretched writer will be far + removed from your machinations. She will be wandering the convex + earth in pursuit of those parents, from whose dear embraces you + have torn her. She will be flying from a Stuart, for whose + detestable embraces you have designed her. + + Your motive for this hopeful match I can guess. As you obtained one + property by undertaking my death, you are probably promised another + for effecting my marriage. Learn that the latter fate has more + terrors for me than the former. But I have escaped both. As for the + ten thousand pounds willed to me by your deceased wife, I suppose + it will revert to you, as soon as I prove that I am not your + daughter. Silly man! you might at this moment obtain that legacy, + by restoring me to my real parents. + + Alas! Sir, you are indeed very wicked. Yet remember, that + repentance is never too late, and that virtue alone is true + nobility. + + The much injured CHERUBINA. + +All is prepared, and in ten minutes I commence my interesting +expedition. London being the grand emporium of adventure, and the most +likely place for obtaining information on the subject of my birth, I +mean to bend my steps thither; and as Stuart is to be here at ten +to-night, and as he must come the London road, I shall probably meet +him. Should I recognize him, what a scene we shall have! but he cannot +possibly recognize me, since I was only eight years old when we last +parted. + +Adieu. + + + +LETTER V + + +The rain rattled and the wind whistled, as I tied on my bonnet for my +journey. With the bandbox in my hand, I descended the stairs, and +paused in the hall to listen. I heard a distant door shut, and steps +advancing. Not a moment was to be lost, so I sprang forward, opened the +hall door, and ran down the shrubbery. + +'O peaceful shades!' exclaimed I, 'why must I leave you? In your +retreats I should still find "pleasure and repose!"' + +I then hastened into the London road, and pressed forward with a +hurried step, while a violent tempest beat full against my face. Being +in such distress, I thought it incumbent on me to compose a sonnet; +which I copy for you. + + SONNET + +Bereft by wretches of endearing home, And all the joys of parent and of +friend, Unsheltered midst the shattering storm I roam, On mangled feet, +and soon my life must end. So the young lark, whom sire and mother +tend, Some fowler robs of sire and mother dear. All day dejected in its +nest it lies; No food, no song, no sheltering pinion near. Night comes +instead, and tempests round it rise, At morn, with gasping beak, and +upward breast: it dies. + +Four long and toilsome miles had I now walked with a dignified air; +till, finding myself fatigued, and despairing of an interview with +Stuart, I resolved to rest awhile, in the lone and uninhabited house +which lies, you may recollect, on the grey common, about a hundred +paces from the road. Besides, I was in duty bound to explore it, as a +ruined pile. + +I approached it. The wind moaned through the broken windows, and the +rank grass rustled in the court. I entered. All was dark within; the +boards creaked as I trod, the shutters flapped, and an ominous owl was +hooting in the chimney. I groped my way along the hall, thence into a +parlour--up stairs and down--not a horror to be found. No dead hand met +my left hand, firmly grasping it, and drawing me forcibly forward; no +huge eye-ball glared at me through a crevice. How disheartening! + +The cold was now creeping through me; my teeth chattered, and my whole +frame shook. I had seated myself on the stairs, and was weeping +piteously, wishing myself safe at home, and in bed; and deploring the +dire necessity which had compelled me to this frightful undertaking, +when on a sudden I heard the sound of approaching steps. I sprang upon +my feet with renovated spirits. Presently several persons entered the +hall, and a vulgar accent cried: + +'Jem, run down to the cellar and strike a light.' + +'What can you want of me, now that you have robbed me?' said the voice +of a gentleman. + +'Why, young man,' answered a ruffian, 'we want you to write home for a +hundred pounds, or some such trifle, which we will have the honour of +spending for you. You must manufacture some confounded good lie about +where you are, and why you send for the money; and one of us will carry +the letter.' + +'I assure you,' said the youth, 'I shall forge no such falsehood.' + +'As you please, master,' replied the ruffian, 'but, the money or your +life we must have, and that soon.' + +'Will you trust my solemn promise to send you a hundred pounds?' said +the other. 'My name is Stuart: I am on my way to Mr. Wilkinson, of +Sylvan Lodge, so you may depend upon my sending you, by his assistance, +the sum that you require, and I will promise not to betray you.' + +'No, curse me if I trust,' cried the robber. + +'Then curse me if I write,' said Stuart. + +'Look you, Squire,' cried the robber. 'We cannot stand parlying with +you now; we have other matters on hands. But we will lock you safe in +the cellar, with pen, ink, and paper, and a lantern; and if you have +not a fine bouncing lie of a letter, ready written when we come back, +you are a dead man--that is all.' + +'I am almost a dead man already,' said Stuart, 'for the cut you gave me +is bleeding torrents.' + +They now carried him down to the cellar, and remained there a few +minutes, then returned, and locked the door outside. + +'Leave the key in it,' says one, 'for we do not know which of us may +come back first.' They then went away. + +Now was the fate of my bitter enemy, the wily, the wicked Stuart, in my +power; I could either liberate him, or leave him to perish. It struck +me, that to miss such a promising interview, would be stupid in the +extreme; and I felt a sort of glow at the idea of saying to him, live! +besides, the fellow had answered the robbers with some spirit, so I +descended the steps, unlocked the door, and bursting into the cellar, +stood in an unparalleled attitude before him. He was sitting on the +ground, and fastening a handkerchief about his wounded leg, but at my +entrance, he sprang upon his feet. + +'Away, save thyself!' cried I. 'She who restores thee to freedom flies +herself from captivity. Look on these features--Thou wouldest have +wrung them with despair. Look on this form--Thou wouldest have prest it +in depravity. Hence, unhappy sinner, and learn, that innocence is ever +victorious and ever merciful.' + +'I am all amazement!' exclaimed he. 'Who are you? Whence come you? Why +speak so angrily, yet act so kindly?' + +I smiled disdain, and turned to depart. + +'One moment more,' cried he. 'Here is some mistake; for I never even +saw you before.' + +'Often!' exclaimed I, and was again going. + +'So you will leave me, my sweet girl,' said he, smiling. 'Now you have +all this time prevented me from binding my wound, and you owe me some +compensation for loss of blood.' + +I paused. + +'I would ask you to assist me,' continued he, 'but in binding one +wound, I fear you would inflict another.' + +Mere curiosity made me return two steps. + +'I think, however, there would be healing in the touch of so fair a +hand,' and he took mine as he spoke. + +At this moment, my humanity conquered my reserve, and kneeling down, I +began to fasten the bandage; but resolved on not uttering another word. + +'What kindness!' cried he. 'And pray to whom am I indebted for it?' + +No reply. + +'At least, may I learn whether I can, in any manner, repay it?' + +No reply. + +'You said, I think, that you had just escaped from confinement?' + +No reply. + +'You will stain your beautiful locks,' said he: 'my blood should flow +to defend, but shall not flow to disfigure them. Permit me to collect +those charming tresses.' + +'Oh! dear, thank you, Sir!' stammered I. + +'And thank you, ten thousand times,' said he, as I finished my +disagreeable task; 'and now never will I quit you till I see you safe +to your friends.' + +'You!' exclaimed I. 'Ah, traitor!' + +He gazed at me with a look of pity. 'Farewell then, my kind preserver,' +said he; ''tis a long way to the next habitation, and should my wound +open afresh and should I faint from loss of blood----' + +'Dear me,' said I, 'let me assist you.' + +He smiled. 'We will assist each other,' answered he; 'and now let us +not lose a moment, for the robbers may return.' + +He took the lantern to search the cellar for his watch and money. +However, we saw nothing there but a couple of portmanteaus, some rusty +pistols, and a small barrel, half full of gunpowder. We then left the +house; but had hardly proceeded twenty yards, when he began to totter. + +'I can go no farther,' said he, sinking down. 'I have lost so much +blood, that my strength is entirely exhausted.' + +'Pray Sir,' said I, 'exert yourself, and lean on me.' + +'Impossible,' answered he; 'but fly and save your own life.' + +'I will run for assistance,' said I, and flew towards the road, where I +had just heard the sound of an approaching carriage. But on a sudden it +stopped, voices began disputing, and soon after a pistol was fired. I +paused in great terror, for I judged that these were the robbers again. +What was I to do? When a heroine is reduced to extremities, she always +does one of two things, either faints on the spot, or exhibits energies +almost superhuman. + +Faint I could not, so nothing remained for me, but energies almost +superhuman. I pondered a moment, and a grand thought struck me. +Recollecting the gunpowder in the cellar, I flew for it back to the +ruin, carried it up to the hall, threw most of it on the floor, and +with the remainder, strewed a train, as I walked towards Stuart. + +When I was within a few paces of him, I heard quick steps; and a hoarse +voice vociferating, 'Who goes yonder with the light?' for I had brought +the lantern with me. + +'Fly!' cried Stuart, 'or you are lost.' + +I snatched the candle from the lantern, applied it to the train, and +the next moment dropped to the ground at the shock of the tremendous +explosion that followed. A noise of falling timbers resounded through +the ruin, and the robbers were heard scampering off in all directions. + +'There!' whispered I, after a pause; 'there is an original horror for +you; and all of my own contrivance. The villains have fled, the +neighbours will flock to the spot, and you will obtain assistance.' + +By this time we heard the people of the carriage running towards us. + +'Stuart!' cried I, in an awful voice. + +'My name indeed!' said he. 'This is completely inexplicable.' + +'Stuart,' cried I, 'hear my parting words. _Never again_', (quoting +his own letter,) '_will I make you my playmate; never again climb your +shoulders, and gallop you round the lawn!_ Ten o'clock is past. Go not +to Sylvan Lodge to-night. She departed two hours ago. Look to your +steps.' + +I spoke this portentous warning, and fled across the common. Miss +Wilkinson! Miss Wilkinson! sounded on the blast; but the wretch had +discovered me too late. I ran about half a mile, and then looking +behind me, beheld the ruin in a blaze. Renovated by the sight of this +horror, I walked another hour, without once stopping; till, to my +surprise and dismay, I found myself utterly unable to proceed a step +farther. This was the more provoking, because heroines often perform +journies on foot that would founder fifty horses. + +I now knocked at a farm-house, on the side of the road; but the people +would not admit me. Soon after, I perceived a boy watching sheep in a +field, and begged earnestly that he would direct me to some romantic +cottage, shaded with vines and acacias, and inhabited by a lovely +little Arcadian family. + +'There is no family of that name in these here parts,' said he. + +'_These here!_' cried I, 'Ah, my friend, that is not pastoral +language. I see you will never pipe madrigals to a Chloris or a +Daphne.' + +'And what sort of nasty language is that?' cried he. 'Get along with +you, do: I warrant you are a bad one.' And he began pelting me with +tufts of grass. + +At last, I contrived to shelter myself under a haycock, where I +remained till day began to dawn. Then, stiff and chilled, I proceeded +on my journey; and in a short time, met a little girl with a pail of +milk, who consented to let me change my dress at her cottage, and +conducted me thither. + +It was a family of frights, flat noses and thick lips without mercy. No +Annettes and Lubins, or Amorets and Phyllidas, or Florimels and +Florellas; no little Cherubin and Seraphim amongst them. However, I +slipped on (for _slipping on_ is the heroic mode of dressing) my +spangled muslin, and joined their uglinesses at breakfast, resolving to +bear patiently with their features. They tell me that a public coach to +London will shortly pass this way, so I shall take a place in it. + +On the whole, I see much reason to be pleased with what has happened +hitherto. How fortunate that I went to the house on the common! I see +plainly, that if adventure does not come to me, I must go to adventure. +And indeed, I am authorized in doing so by the example of my sister +heroines; who, with a noble disinterestedness, are ever the chief +artificers of their own misfortunes; for, in nine cases out of ten, +were they to manage matters like mere common mortals, they would avoid +all those charming mischiefs which adorn their memoirs. + +As for this Stuart, I know not what to think of him. I will, however, +do him the justice to say, that he has a pleasing countenance; and +although he neither kissed my hand, nor knelt to me, yet he had the +decency to talk of 'wounds,' and my 'charming tresses.' Perhaps, if he +had saved my life, instead of my having saved his; and if his name had +consisted of three syllables ending in i or o; and, in fine, were he +not an unprincipled profligate, the man might have made a tolerable +hero. At all events, I heartily hate him; and his smooth words went for +nothing. + +The coach is in sight. + +Adieu. + + + +LETTER VI + + +'I shall find in the coach,' said I, approaching it, 'some emaciated +Adelaide, or sister Olivia. We will interchange congenial looks--she +will sigh, so will I--and we shall commence a vigorous friendship on +the spot.' + +Yes, I did sigh; but it was at the huge and hideous Adelaide that +presented herself, as I got into the coach. In describing her, our +wittiest novelists would say, that her nose lay modestly retired +between her cheeks; that her eyes, which pointed inwards, seemed +looking for it, and that her teeth were + + 'Like angels' visits; short and far between.' + +She first eyed me with a supercilious sneer, and then addressed a +diminutive old gentleman opposite, in whose face Time had ploughed +furrows, and Luxury sown pimples. + +'And so, Sir, as I was telling you, when my poor man died, I so +bemoaned myself, that between swoons and hysterics, I got nervous all +over, and was obliged to go through a regiment.' + +I stared in astonishment. 'What!' thought I, 'a woman of her magnitude +and vulgarity, faint, and have nerves? Impossible!' + +'Howsomdever,' continued she, 'my Bible and my daughter Moll are great +consolations to me. Moll is the dearest little thing in the world; as +straight as a popular; then such dimples; and her eyes are the very +squintessence of perfection. She has all her catechism by heart, and +moreover, her mind is uncontaminated by romances and novels, and such +abominations.' + +'Pray, Ma'am,' said I, civilly, 'may I presume to ask how romances and +novels contaminate the mind?' + +'Why, Mem,' answered she tartly, and after another survey: 'by teaching +little misses to go gadding, Mem, and to be fond of the men, Mem, and +of spangled muslin, Mem.' + +'Ma'am,' said I, reddening, 'I wear spangled muslin because I have no +other dress: and you should be ashamed of yourself for saying that I am +fond of the men.' + +'The cap fits you then,' cried she. + +'Were it a fool's cap,' said I, 'perhaps I might return the +compliment.' + +I thought it expedient, at my first outset in life, to practise apt +repartee, and emulate the infatuating sauciness, and elegant +vituperation of Amanda, the Beggar Girl, and other heroines; who, when +irritated, disdain to speak below an epigram. + +'Pray, Sir,' said she, to our fellow traveller, 'what is your opinion +of novels? Ant they all love and nonsense, and the most unpossible lies +possible?' + +'They are fictions, certainly,' said he. + +'Surely, Sir,' exclaimed I, 'you do not mean to call them fictions.' + +'Why no,' replied he, 'not absolute fictions.' + +'But,' cried the big lady, 'you don't pretend to call them true.' + +'Why no,' said he, 'not absolutely true.' + +'Then,' cried I, 'you are on both sides of the question at once.' + +He trod on my foot. + +'Ay, that you are,' said the big lady. + +He trod on her foot. + +'I am too much of a courtier,' said he, 'to differ from the ladies,' +and he trod on both our feet. + +'A courtier!' cried I: 'I should rather have imagined you a musician.' + +'Pray why?' said he. + +'Because,' answered I, 'you are playing the pedal harp on this lady's +foot and mine.' + +'I wished to produce harmony,' said he, with a submitting bow. + +'At least,' said I, 'novels must be much more true than histories, +because historians often contradict each other, but novelists never +do.' + +'Yet do not novelists contradict themselves?' said he. + +'Certainly,' replied I, 'and there lies the surest proof of their +veracity. For as human actions are always contradicting themselves, so +those books which faithfully relate them, must do the same.' + +'Admirable!' exclaimed he. 'And yet what proof have we that such +personages as Schedoni, Vivaldi, Camilla, or Cecilia ever existed?' + +'And what proof have we,' cried I, 'that such personages as Alfred the +Great, Henry the Fifth, Elfrida, or Mary Queen of Scots, ever existed? +I wonder at a man of sense like you. Why, Sir, at this rate you might +just as well question the truth of Guy Faux's attempt to blow up the +Parliament-House, or of my having blown up a house last night.' + +'You blow up a house!' exclaimed the big lady with amazement. + +'Madam,' said I, modestly, 'I scorn ostentation, but on my word and +honour, 'tis fact.' + +'Of course you did it accidentally,' said the gentleman. + +'You wrong me, Sir,' replied I; 'I did it by design.' + +'You will swing for it, however,' cried the big lady. + +'Swing for it!' said I; 'a heroine swing? Excellent! I presume, Madam, +you are unacquainted with the common law of romance.' + +'Just,' said she, 'as you seem to be with the common law of England.' + +'I despise the common law of England,' cried I. + +'Then I fancy,' said she, 'it would not be much amiss if you were +hanged.' + +'And I fancy,' retorted I, nodding at her big figure, 'it would not be +much amiss if you were quartered.' + +Instantly she took out a prayer-book, and began muttering over it with +the most violent piety and indignation. + +Meantime the gentleman coincided in every syllable that I said, praised +my parts and knowledge, and discovered evident symptoms of a +discriminating mind, and an amiable heart. That I am right in my good +opinion of him is most certain; for he himself assured me that it would +be quite impossible to deceive me, I am so penetrating. In short, I +have set him down as the benevolent guardian, whom my memoirs will +hereafter celebrate, for having saved me from destruction. + +Indeed he has already done so. For, when our journey was almost over, +he told me, that my having set fire to the ruin might prove a most +fatal affair; and whispered that the big lady would probably inform +against me. On my pleading the prescriptive immunities of heroines, and +asserting that the law could never lay its fangs on so ethereal a name +as Cherubina, he solemnly swore to me, that he once knew a +golden-haired, azure-eyed heroine, called Angelica Angela Angelina, who +was hanged at the Old Bailey for stealing a broken lute out of a +haunted chamber; and while my blood was running cold at the recital, he +pressed me so cordially to take refuge in his house, that at length, I +threw myself on the protection of the best of men. + +I now write from his mansion in Grosvenor Square, where we have just +dined. His name is Betterton; he has no family, and is possessed of a +splendid independence. Multitudes of liveried menials watch his nod; +and he does me the honour to call me cousin. My chamber too is +charming. The curtains hang quite in a new style, but I do not like the +pattern of the drapery. + +To-morrow I mean to go shopping; and I may, at the same time, pick up +some adventures on my way; for business must be minded. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER VII + + +Soon after my last letter, I was summoned to supper. Betterton appeared +much interested in my destiny, and I took good care to inspire him with +a due sense of my forlorn and unprotected state. I told him that I had +not a friend in the wide world, related to him my lamentable tale, and +as a proof of my veracity shewed him the parchment, the picture, and +the mole. + +To my great surprise, he said that he considered my high birth +improbable; and then began advising me to descend from my romantic +flights, as he called them, and to seek after happiness instead of +misery. + +'In this town,' continued he, after a long preamble, 'your charms would +be despotic, if unchained by legal constraints. But for ever distant +from you be that cold and languid tie which erroneous policy invented. +For you be the sacred community of souls, the mystic union, whose tie +of bondage is the sway of passion, the wish, the licence, and impulse +the law.' + +'Pretty expressions enough,' said I, 'only I cannot comprehend them.' + +'Charming girl!' cried he, while he conjured up a fiend of a smile, and +drew a brilliant from his finger, 'accept this ring, and the signature +of the hand that has worn it, securing to you five hundred a-year, +while you remain under my protection.' + +'Ha, monster!' exclaimed I, 'and is this thy vile design?' + +So saying, I flung the ruffian from me, then rushed down stairs, opened +the door, and quick as lightning darted along the streets. + +At last, panting for breath, I paused underneath a portico. It was now +midnight. Not a wheel, not a hoof fatigued the pavement, or disturbed +the slumbering mud of the metropolis. But soon steps and soft voices +broke the silence, and a youth, encircling a maiden's waist with his +arm, and modulating the most mellifluent phraseology, passed by me. +Another couple succeeded, and another, and another. The town seemed +swarming with heroes and heroines. 'Fortunate pairs!' ejaculated I, 'at +length ye enjoy the reward of your incomparable constancy and virtue. +Here, after a long separation, meeting by chance, and in extreme +distress, ye pour forth the pure effusions of your souls. O blissful +termination of unexampled miseries!' + +I now perceived, on the steps of a house, a fair and slender form, +robed in white. She was sitting with her elbow in her lap, and her head +leaning on one side, within her hand. + +'She seems a sister in misfortune,' said I; 'so, should she but have a +Madona face, and a name ending in a, we will live, we will die +together.' + +I then approached, and discovered a countenance so pale, so pensive, so +Roman, that I could almost have knelt and worshipped it. + +'Fair unfortunate,' said I, taking her hand and pressing it; +'interesting unknown, say by what name am I to address so gentle a +sister in misery.' + +'Eh? What?' cried she, in a tone somewhat coarser than I was prepared +to expect. + +'May I presume on my sudden predilection,' said I, 'and inquire your +name?' + +'Maria,' replied she, rising from her seat; 'and now I must be gone.' + +'And where are you going, Maria?' said I. + +'To the Devil,' said she. + +'Alas! my love,' whispered I, 'sorrow hath bewildered thee. Impart to +me the cause of thy distress, and perhaps I can alleviate, if not +relieve it. I am myself a miserable orphan; but happy, thrice happy, +could I clasp a sympathetic bosom, in this frightful wilderness of +houses and faces, where, alas! I know not a human being.' + +'Then you are a stranger here?' said she quickly. + +'I have been here but a few hours,' answered I. + +'Have you money?' she demanded. + +'Only four guineas and a half,' replied I, taking out my purse. +'Perhaps you are in distress--perhaps--forgive this officiousness--not +for worlds would I wound your delicacy, but if you want assistance----' + +'I have only this old sixpence upon earth,' interrupted she, 'and there +'tis for you, Miss.' + +So saying, she put sixpence into my purse, which I had opened while I +was speaking. + +'Generous angel!' cried I. + +'Now we are in partnership, a'nt we?' said she. + +'Yes, sweet innocent,' answered I, 'we are partners in grief.' + +'And as grief is dry,' cried she, 'we will go moisten it.' + +'And where shall we moisten it, Maria?' said I. + +'In a pothouse,' cried she. 'It will do us good.' + +'O my Maria!' said I, 'never, never!' + +'Why then give me back my sixpence,' cried she, snatching at my purse; +but I held it fast, and, springing from her, ran away. + +'Stop thief, stop thief!' vociferated she. + +In an instant, I heard a sort of rattling noise from several quarters, +and an old fellow, called a watchman, came running out of a wooden box, +and seized me by the shoulder. + +'She has robbed me of my purse,' exclaimed the wily wanton. ''Tis a +green one, and has four guineas and a half in it, besides a curious old +sixpence.' + +The watchman took it from me, and examined it. + +''Tis my purse,' cried I, 'and I can swear it.' + +'You lie!' said the little wretch; 'you know well that you snatched it +out of my hand, when I was going to give you sixpence, out of charity.' + +Horror and astonishment struck me dumb; and when I told my tale, the +watchman declared that both of us must remain in custody, till next +morning; and then be carried before the magistrate. Accordingly, he +escorted us to the watchhouse, a room filled with smoke and culprits; +where we stayed all night, in the midst of swearing, snoring, laughing +and crying. + +In the morning we were carried before a magistrate; and with step +superb, arms folded, and neck erect, I entered the room. + +'Pert enough,' said the magistrate; and turning from me, continued his +examination of two men who stood near him. + +It appeared that one of them (whose name was Jerry Sullivan) had +assaulted the other, on the following occasion. A joint sum of money +had been deposited in Sullivan's hands, by this other, and a third man, +his partner, which sum Sullivan had consented to keep for them, and had +bound himself to return, whenever both should go together to him, and +demand it. Sometime afterwards, one of them went to him, and told him +that the other being ill, and therefore unable to come for the money, +had empowered him to get it. Sullivan, believing him, gave the money, +and when he next met the other, mentioned the circumstance. The other +denied having authorized what had been done, and demanded his own share +of the deposit from Sullivan, who refused it. Words ensued, and +Sullivan having knocked him down, was brought before the magistrate, to +be committed for an assault. + +'Have you any defence?' said the magistrate to him. + +'None that I know of,' answered he, 'only I would knock him down again, +if he touched my honour again.' + +'And is this your defence?' said the magistrate. + +'It is so,' replied Sullivan, 'and I hope your worship likes it, as +well as I like your worship.' + +'So well,' said the magistrate, 'that I now mean to do you a signal +service.' + +'Why then,' cried Sullivan, 'may the heavens smile on you.' + +'And that service,' continued the magistrate, 'is to commit you +immediately.' + +'Why then,' cried Sullivan, 'may the Devil inconvenience you!' + +'By your insolence, you should be an Irishman,' said the magistrate. + +'I was an Irishman forty years ago,' replied Sullivan, 'and I don't +suppose I am anything else now. Though I have left my country, I scorn +to change my birth-place.' + +'Commit him,' said the magistrate. + +Just then, a device struck me, which I thought might extricate the poor +fellow; so, having received permission, I went across, and whispered it +to him. + +'The heavens smile on you,' cried he, and then addressed his accuser: +'If I can prove to you that I have not broken our agreement about the +money, will you promise not to prosecute me for this assault?' + +'With all my heart,' answered he; 'for if you have not broken our +agreement, you must have the money still, which is all I want.' + +'And will your worship,' said Sullivan, 'permit this compromise, and +stand umpire between us?' + +'I have not the least objection,' answered the magistrate; 'for I would +rather be the means of your fulfilling an agreement, than of your +suffering a punishment; and would rather recompense your accuser with +money than with revenge.' + +'Well then,' said Jerry to his accuser; 'was not our agreement, that I +should return the money to yourself and your partner, whenever you came +together to me, and asked for it?' + +'Certainly,' said the man. + +'And did you both ever come together to me, and ask for it?' + +'Never,' said the man. + +'Then I have not broken our agreement,' cried Sullivan. + +'But you cannot keep it,' said the other; 'for you have given away the +money.' + +'No matter for that,' cried Sullivan, 'provided I have it when both of +you come to demand it. But I believe that will be never, for the fellow +who ran off will not much like to shew his face again. So now will your +worship please to decide.' + +The magistrate, after complimenting me upon my ingenuity, confessed, he +said, with much unwillingness, that Sullivan had made out his case +clearly. The poor accuser was therefore obliged to abide by his +promise, and Sullivan was dismissed, snapping his fingers, and offering +to treat the whole world with a tankard. + +My cause came after, and the treacherous Maria was ordered to state her +evidence. + +But what think you, Biddy, of my keeping you in suspense, till my next +letter? The practice of keeping in suspense is quite common among +novelists. Nay, there is a lady in the Romance of the Highlands, who +terminates, not her letter, but her life, much in the same style. For +when dying, she was about to disclose the circumstances of a horrid +murder, and would have done so too, had she not unfortunately expended +her last breath in a beautiful description of the verdant hills, rising +sun, all nature smiling, and a few streaks of purple in the east. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER VIII + + +Maria being ordered to state her evidence, 'That I will,' said she, +'only I am so ashamed of having been out late at night--but I must tell +your worship how that happened.' + +'You need not,' said the magistrate. + +'Well then,' she continued, 'I was walking innocently home, with my +poor eyes fixed upon the ground, for fear of the fellors, when what +should I see, but this girl, talking on some steps, with a pickpocket, +I fancy, for he looked pretty decent. So I ran past them, for I was so +ashamed you can't think; and this girl runs after me, and says, says +she, "The fellor wouldn't give me a little shilling," says she, "so by +Jingo, you must," says she.' + +'By Jingo! I say by Jingo?' cried I. 'St. Catherine guard me! Indeed, +your Excellenza, my only oath is Santa Maria.' + +'She swore at me like a trooper,' continued the little imp, 'so I +pulled out my purse in a fright, and she snatched it from me, and ran +away, and I after her, calling stop thief; and this is the whole truth +'pon my honour and word, and as I hope to be married.' + +The watchman declared that he had caught me running away, that he had +found the purse in my hand, and that Maria had described it, and the +money contained in it, accurately. + +'And will your worship,' said Maria, 'ask the girl to describe the +sixpence that is in it?' + +The magistrate turned to me. + +'Really,' said I, 'as I never even saw it, I cannot possibly pretend to +describe it.' + +'Then I can,' cried she. ''Tis bent in two places, and stamped on one +of its sides with a D and an H.' + +The sixpence was examined, and answered her description of it. + +'The case is clear enough,' said the magistrate, 'and now, Miss, try +whether you can advocate your own cause as well as Jerry Sullivan's.' + +Jerry, who still remained in the room, came behind me, and whispered, +'Troth, Miss, I have no brains, but I have a bit of an oath, if that is +of any use to you. I would sell my soul out of gratitude, at any time.' + +'Alas! your Excellenza,' said I to the magistrate, 'frail is the tenure +of that character, which has Innocence for its friend, and Infamy for +its foe. Life is a chequered scene of light and shade; life is a jest, +a stage----' + +'Talking of life is not the way to save it,' said the magistrate. 'Less +sentiment and more point, if you please.' + +I was silent, but looked anxiously towards the door. + +'Are you meditating an escape?' asked he. + +'No,' said I, 'but just wait a little, and you shall see what an +interesting turn affairs will take.' + +'Come,' cried he, 'proceed at once, or say you will not.' + +'Ah, now,' said I, 'can't you stop one moment, and not spoil everything +by your impatience. I am only watching for the tall, elegant young +stranger, with an oval face, who is to enter just at this crisis, and +snatch me from perdition.' + +'Did he promise to come?' said the magistrate. + +'Not at all,' answered I, 'for I have never seen the man in my life. +But whoever rescues me now, you know, is destined to marry me +hereafter. That is the rule.' + +'You are an impudent minx,' said the magistrate, 'and shall pay dear +for your jocularity. Have you parents?' + +'I cannot tell.' + +'Friends?' + +'None.' + +'Where do you live?' + +'No where.' + +'At least 'tis plain where you will die. What is your name?' + +'Cherubina.' + +'Cherubina what?' + +'I know not.' + +'Not know? I protest this is the most hardened profligate I have ever +met. Commit her instantly.' + +I now saw that something must be done; so summoning all my most +assuasive airs, I related the whole adventure, just as it had occurred. + +Not a syllable obtained belief. The fatal sixpence carried all before +it. I recollected the fate of Angelica Angela Angelina, and shuddered. +What should I do? One desperate experiment remained. + +'There were four guineas and half a guinea in the purse,' said I to the +girl. + +'To be sure there were,' cried she. 'How cunning you are to tell me my +own news.' + +'Now,' said I, 'answer me at once, and without hesitation, whether it +is the half guinea or one of the guineas that is notched in three +places, like the teeth of a saw?' + +She paused a little, and then said; 'I have a long story to tell about +those same notches. I wanted a silk handkerchief yesterday, so I went +into a shop to buy one, and an impudent ugly young fellor was behind +the counter. Well, he began ogling me so, I was quite ashamed; and says +he to me, there is the change of your two pound note, says he, a guinea +and a half in gold, says he, and you are vastly handsome, says he. And +there are three notches in one of the coins, says he; guess which, says +he, but it will pass all the same, says he, and you are prodigious +pretty, says he. So indeed, I was so ashamed, that though I looked at +the money, and saw the three notches, I have quite forgotten which they +were in--guinea or half guinea; for my sight spread so, with shame at +his compliments, that the half guinea looked as big as the guinea. +Well, out I ran, blushing like a poor, terrified little thing, and sure +enough, a horrid accident was near happening me in my hurry. For I was +just running under the wheel of a carriage, when a gentleman catches me +in his arms, and says he, you are prodigious pretty, says he; and I +frowned so, you can't think; and I am sure, I never remembered to look +at the money since; and this is the whole truth, I pledge you my credit +and honour, and _by the immaculate Wenus_, as the gentlemen say.' + +The accusing witness who insulted the magistrate's bench with the oath, +leered as she gave it in; and the recording clerk, as he wrote it down, +drew a line under the words, and pointed them out for ever. + +'Then you saw the three notches?' said I. + +'As plain as I see you now,' replied she, 'and a guilty poor thing you +look.' + +'And yet,' said I, 'if his Excellenza examines, he will find that there +is not a single notch in any one of the coins.' + +''Tis the case indeed,' said the magistrate, after looking at them. + +He then questioned both of us more minutely, and turning to me, said, +'Your conduct, young woman, is unaccountable: but as your accuser has +certainly belied herself, she has probably belied you. The money, by +her own account, cannot be her's, but as it was found in your +possession, it may be your's. I therefore feel fully justified in +restoring it to you, and in acquitting you of the crime laid to your +charge.' + +Jerry Sullivan uttered a shout of joy. I received the purse with silent +dignity, gave Maria back her sixpence, and hurried out of the room. + +Jerry followed me. + +'Why then,' cried he, shaking me heartily by the hand, as we walked +along, 'only tell me how I can serve you, and 'tis I am the man that +will do it; though, to be sure, you must be the greatest little +scapegrace (bless your heart!) in the three kingdoms.' + +'Alas!' said I, 'you mistake my character. I am heiress to an immense +territory, and a heroine--the proudest title that can adorn a woman.' + +'I never heard of that title before,' said Jerry, 'but I warrant 'tis +no better than it should be.' + +'You shall judge for yourself,' said I. 'A heroine is a young lady, +rather taller than usual, and often an orphan; at all events, possessed +of the finest eyes in the world. Though her frame is so fragile, that a +breath of wind might scatter it like chaff, it is sometimes stouter +than a statue of cast iron. She blushes to the tips of her fingers, and +when other girls would laugh, she faints. Besides, she has tears, +sighs, and half sighs, at command; lives a month on a mouthful, and is +addicted to the pale consumption.' + +'Why then, much good may it do her,' cried Jerry; 'but in my mind, a +phthisicky girl is no great treasure; and as for the fashion of living +a month on a mouthful, let me have a potatoe and chop for my dinner, +and a herring on Saturday nights, and I would not give a farthing for +all the starvation you could offer me. So when I finish my bit of +herring, my wife says to me, winking, a fish loves water, says she, and +immediately she fetches me a dram.' + +'These are the delights of vulgar life,' said I. 'But to be thin, +innocent, and lyrical; to bind and unbind her hair; in a word, to be +the most miserable creature that ever augmented a brook with tears, +these, my friend, are the glories of a heroine.' + +'Famous glories, by dad!' cried Jerry; 'but as I am a poor man, and not +particular, I can contrive to make shift with health and happiness, and +to rub through life without binding my hair.--Bind it? by the powers, +'tis seldom I even comb it.' + +As I was all this time without my bonnet (for in my hurry from +Betterton's I had left it behind me), I determined to purchase one. So +I went into a shop, with Jerry, and asked the woman of it for an +interesting and melancholy turn of bonnet. + +She looked at me with some surprise, but produced several; and I fixed +on one which resembled a bonnet that I had once seen in a picture of a +wood nymph. So I put it on me, wished the woman good morning, and was +walking away. + +'You have forgotten to pay me, Miss,' said she. + +'True,' replied I, 'but 'tis no great matter. Adieu.' + +'You shall pay me, however,' cried she, ringing a bell, and a man +entered instantly from an inner room. + +'Here is a hussey,' exclaimed she, 'who refuses to pay me for a +bonnet.' + +'My sweet friend,' said I to her, 'a distressed heroine, which I am, I +assure you, runs in debt every where. Besides, as I like your face, I +mean to implicate you in my plot, and make you one of the _dramatis +personæ_ in the history of my life. Probably you will turn out to be +my mother's nurse's daughter. At all events, I give you my word, I will +pay you at the _denouement_, when the other characters come to be +provided for; and meantime, to secure your acquaintance, I must insist +on owing you money.' + +'By dad,' said Jerry, 'that is the first of all ways to lose an +acquaintance.' + +'The bonnet or the money!' cried the man, stepping between me and the +door. + +'Neither the one nor the other,' answered I. 'No, Sir, to run in debt +is part of my plan, and by what right dare you interfere to save me +from ruin? Pretty, indeed, that a girl at my time of life cannot select +her own misfortunes! Sir, your conduct astonishes, shocks, disgusts +me.' + +To such a reasonable appeal the man could not reply, so he snatched at +my bonnet. Jerry jumped forward, and arrested his arm. + +'Hands off, bully!' cried the shopman. + +'No, in troth,' said Jerry; 'and the more you bid me, the more I won't +let you go. If her ladyship has set her heart on a robbery, I am not +the man to balk her fancy. Sure, did not she save me from a gaol? And +sure, would not I help her to a bonnet? A bonnet? 'Pon my conscience, +she shall have half a dozen. 'Tis I that would not much mind being +hanged for her!' + +So saying, he snatched a parcel of bonnets from the counter, and was +instantly knocked down by the shopman. He rose, and both began a +furious conflict. In the midst of it, I was attempting to rush from the +shop, when I found my spangled muslin barbarously seized by the woman, +who tore it to pieces in the struggle; and pulling off the bonnet, gave +me a horrid slap in the face. I would have cuffed her nicely in return, +only that she was more than my match; but I stamped at her with my +feet. At first I was shocked at having made this unheroic gesture; till +I luckily recollected, that Amanda once stamped at an amorous footman. + +Meantime Jerry had stunned his adversary with a blow; so taking this +opportunity of escape, he dragged me with him from the shop, and +hurried me through several streets, without uttering a word. + +At length I was so much exhausted, that we stopped; and strange figures +we were: Jerry's face smeared with blood, nothing on my head, my long +hair hanging loose about me, and my poor spangled muslin all in rags. + +'Here,' said Jerry to an old woman who was selling apples at the corner +of the street, 'take care of this young body, while I fetch her a +coach.' And off he ran. + +The woman looked at me with a suspicious eye, so I resolved to gain her +good opinion. It struck me that I might extract pathos from an apple, +and taking one from her stall, 'An apple, my charming old friend,' said +I, 'is the symbol of discord. Eve lost Paradise by tasting it, Paris +exasperated Juno by throwing it.'--A loud burst of laughter made me +turn round, and I perceived a crowd already at my elbow. + +'Who tore her gown?' said one. + +'Ask her spangles,' said another. + +'Or her hair,' cried a third. + +''Tis long enough to hang her,' cried a fourth. + +'The king's hemp will do that job for her,' added a fifth. + +A pull at my muslin assailed me on the one side, and when I turned +about, my hair was thrown over my face on the other. + +'Good people,' said I, 'you know not whom you thus insult. I am +descended from illustrious, and perhaps Italian parents----' + +A butcher's boy advanced, and putting half a hat under his arm; 'Will +your ladyship,' said he, 'permit me to hand you into that there shop?' + +I bowed assent, and he led me, nothing loath. Peals of laughter +followed us. + +'Now,' said I, as I stood at the door, 'I will reward your gallantry +with half a guinea.' + +As I drew forth my money, I saw his face reddening, his cheeks +swelling, and his mouth pursing up. + +'What delicate sensibility!' said I, 'but positively you must not +refuse this trifle.' + +He took it, and then, just think, the brute laughed in my face! + +'I will give this guinea,' cried I, quite enraged, 'to the first who +knocks that ungrateful down.' + +Hardly had I spoken, when he was laid prostrate. He fell against the +stall, upset it, and instantly the street was strewn with apples, nuts, +and cakes. He rose. The battle raged. Some sided with him, some against +him. The furious stall-woman pelted both parties with her own apples; +while the only discreet person there, was a ragged little girl, who +stood laughing at a distance, and eating one of the cakes. + +In the midst of the fray, Jerry returned with a coach. I sprang into +it, and he after me. + +'The guinea, the guinea!' cried twenty voices at once. At once twenty +apples came rattling against the glasses. + +'Pay me for my apples!' cried the woman. + +'Pay me for my windows!' cried the coachman. + +'Drive like a devil,' cried Jerry, 'and I will pay you like an +emperor!' + +'Much the same sort of persons, now-a-days,' said the coachman, and +away we flew. The guinea, the guinea! died along the sky. I thought I +should have dropt with laughter. + +My dear friend, do you not sympathize with my sorrows? Desolate, +destitute, and dependent on strangers, what is to become of me? I +declare I am extremely unhappy. + +I write from Jerry's house, where I have taken refuge for the present; +and as soon as I am settled elsewhere, you shall hear from me again. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER IX + + +Jerry Sullivan is a petty woollendraper in St. Giles's, and occupies +the ground-floor of a small house. At first his wife and daughter eyed +me with some suspicion; but when he told them how I had saved him from +ruin, and that I was somehow or other a great lady in disguise, they +became very civil, and gave me a tolerable breakfast. Then fatigued and +sleepy, I threw myself on a bed, and slept till two. + +I woke with pains in all my limbs; but anxious to forward the +adventures of my life, I rose, and called mother and daughter to a +consultation on my dress. They furnished me with their best +habiliments, for which I agreed to give them two guineas; and I then +began equipping myself. + +While thus employed, I heard the voices of husband and wife in the next +room, rising gradually to the matrimonial key. At last the wife +exclaims, + +'A Heroine? I will take my corporal oath, there is no such title in all +England; and if she has the four guineas, she never came honestly by +them; so the sooner she parts with them the better; and not a step +shall she stir in our cloathes till she launches forth three of them. +So that's that, and mine's my own, and how do you like my manners, +Ignoramus?' + +'How dare you call me Ignoramus?' cried Jerry. 'Blackguard if you like, +but no ignoramus, I believe. I know what I could call you, though.' + +'Well,' cried she, 'saving a drunkard and a scold, what else can you +call me?' + +'I won't speak another word to you,' said Jerry; 'I would not speak to +you, if you were lying dead in the kennel.' + +'Then you're an ugly unnatural beast, so you are,' cried she, 'and your +Miss is no better than a bad one; and I warrant you understand one +another well.' + +This last insinuation was sufficient for me. What! remain in a house +where suspicion attached to my character? What! act so diametrically, +so outrageously contrary to the principle of aspersed heroines, who are +sure on such occasions to pin up a bundle, and set off? I spurned the +mean idea, and resolved to decamp instantly. So having hastened my +toilette, I threw three guineas on the table, and then looked for a pen +and ink, to write a sonnet on gratitude. I could find nothing, however, +but a small bit of chalk, and with this substitute, I scratched the +following lines on the wall. + + SONNET ON GRATITUDE + + _Addressed to Jerry Sullivan_ + + As some deputed angel, from the spheres + Of empyrean day, with nectar dewed, + Through firmamental wildernesses steers, + To starless tracts of black infinitude-- + +Here the chalk failed me, and just at the critical moment for my simile +had also failed me, nor could I have ever gotten beyond infinitude. I +got to the street door, however, and without fear of being overheard; +to such an altitude of tone had words arisen between husband and wife, +who were now contesting a most delicate point--which of them had beaten +the other last. + +'I know,' cried Jerry, 'that I gave the last blow.' + +'Then take the first now,' cried his wife, as I shut the door. + +Anticipating the probability that I should have occasion for Jerry's +services again, I marked the number of the house, and then hastened +along the street. It was swarming and humming like a hive of bees, and +I felt as if I could never escape alive out of it. Here a carriage +almost ran over me; there a waggoner's whip almost blinded me. Now a +sweep brushed against me. 'Beauty!' cried a man like a monkey, and +chucked my chin, while a fellow with a trunk shoved me aside. + +I now turned into a street called Bond Street, where a long procession +of carriages was passing. I remarked that the coachmen (they could not +be gentlemen, I am sure) appeared to stand in great estimation; for the +ladies of one carriage used to nod most familiarly to the driver of +another. Indeed, I had often heard it said, that ladies and coachmen +are sometimes particularly intimate; but till now I could never believe +it. + +The shops next attracted my attention, and I stopped to look at some of +them. You cannot conceive any thing more charming: Turkish turbans, +Indian shawls, pearls, diamonds, fans, feathers, laces; all shewn for +nothing at the windows. I had but one guinea remaining! + +At length feeling tired and hungry, and my feet being quite foundered, +I determined to lose no farther time in taking lodgings. Perceiving +'Apartments to let,' written on a door, I rapped, and a servant girl +opened it. + +'Pray,' said I to her, 'are your northern apartments uninhabited?' + +She replied that there were two rooms on the second floor disengaged, +and comfortably furnished. + +'I do not want them comfortable,' said I; 'but are they furnished with +tapestry and old pictures? That is the point.' + +'There is only master's face over the chimney,' said she. + +'Do the doors creek on their hinges?' asked I. + +'That they don't,' said she, 'for I oiled 'em all only yesterday.' + +'Then you shewed a depraved taste,' cried I. 'At least, are the +apartments haunted?' + +'Lauk, no!' said she, half shutting the door. + +'Well then, my good girl, tell me candidly whether your mistress is +like the landladies one reads of. Is she a fat, bustling little woman, +who would treat me to tea, cakes, and plenty of gossip, and at the end +of a week, say to me, "out, hussy, tramp this moment;" or is she a +pale, placid matron, worn to a thread-paper, and whose story is +interwoven with mine?' + +'Deuce take your impudence!' cried she, slapping the door in my face. + +I tried other houses with no better success; and even when I merely +asked for common lodgings, without stipulating for spectres or +tapestry, the people would not accommodate me, unless I could procure +some recommendation besides my own. + +As I had no friend to give me a character, it became necessary to make +a friend; so I began to look about for a fit subject. Passing a shop +where eggs and butter were sold, and lodgings to be let, I perceived a +pretty woman sitting behind the counter, and a fine infant playing upon +it. I thought that all this bore an auspicious appearance; so I +tottered into the shop, and placing myself opposite to the woman, I +gazed at her with an engaging and gentle intelligence. She demanded my +business. + +'Interesting creature!' whispered I, pressing her hand as it rested on +the counter. 'O may that little rosy fatling----' + +Unfortunately there was an egg in the hand that I took, which I crushed +by the compression, and the yolk came oozing between her fingers. + +'Reptile!' cried she, as she threw the fragments in my face. + +'Savage!' cried I, as I ran out of the shop, and wiped off the eggy +dishonours. + +At length I reached an immense edifice, which appeared to me the castle +of some brow-knitting baron. Ponderous columns supported it, and +statues stood in the niches. The portal lay open. I glided into the +hall. As I looked anxiously around, I beheld a cavalier descending a +flight of steps. He paused, muttered some words, laid his hand upon his +heart, dropped it, shook his head, and proceeded. + +I felt instantly interested in his fate; and as he came nearer, +perceived, that surely never lighted on this orb, which he hardly +seemed to touch, a more delightful vision. His form was tall, his face +oval, and his nose aquiline. Seducing sweetness dwelled in his smile, +and as he pleased, his expressive eyes could sparkle with rapture, or +beam with sensibility. Once more he paused, frowned, and waving his +arm, exclaimed, with an elegant energy of enunciation! + +'To watch the minutes of this night, that if again this apparition +come, he may approve our eyes, and speak to it!' + +That moment a pang, poignant, but delicious, transfixed my bosom. Too +well I felt and confessed it the dart of love. In sooth, too well I +knew that my heart was lost to me for ever. Silly maiden! But fate had +decreed it. + +I rushed forward, and sank at the feet of the stranger. + +'Pity and protect a destitute orphan!' cried I. 'Here, in this +hospitable castle, I may hope for repose and protection. Oh, Signor, +conduct me to your respected mother, the Baroness, and let me pour into +her ear my simple and pathetic tale.' + +'O ho! simple and pathetic!' cried he. 'Come, my dear, let me hear it.' + +I seated myself on the steps, and told him my whole story. During the +recital, the noble youth betrayed extreme sensibility. Sometimes he +turned his head aside to conceal his emotion; and sometimes stifled a +hysterical laugh of agony. + +When I had ended, he begged to know whether I was quite certain that I +had ten thousand pounds in my power. I replied, that as Wilkinson's +daughter, I certainly had; but that the property must devolve to some +one else, as soon as I should be proved a nobleman's daughter. + +He then made still more accurate inquiries about it; and after having +satisfied himself: + +'Beshrew my heart!' exclaimed he; 'but I will avenge your injuries; and +ere long you shall be proclaimed and acknowledged the Lady Cherubina De +Willoughby. Meantime, as it will be prudent for you to lie concealed +from the search of your enemies, hear the project which I have formed. +I lodge at present in Drury-lane, an obscure street; and as one +apartment in the house is unoccupied, you can hire it, and remain +there, a beautiful recluse, till fortune and my poor efforts shall +rescue from oppression the most enchanting of her sex.' + +He spoke, and seizing my hand, carried it to his lips. + +'What!' cried I, 'do you not live in this castle, and are you not its +noble heir?' + +'This is no castle,' said he, 'but Covent Garden Theatre.' + +'And you?' asked I with anxiety. + +'Am an actor,' answered he. + +'And your name?' + +'Is Abraham Grundy.' + +'Then, Mr. Abraham Grundy,' said I, 'allow me to have the satisfaction +of wishing you a very good evening.' + +'Stay!' cried he, detaining me, 'and you shall know the whole truth. My +birth is illustrious, and my real name Lord Altamont Mortimer +Montmorenci. But like you, I am enveloped in a cloud of mysteries, and +compelled to the temporary resource of acting. Hereafter I will +acquaint you with the most secret particulars of my life; but at +present, you must trust to my good faith, and accept of my protection.' + +'Generous Montmorenci!' exclaimed I, giving him my hand, which he +pressed upon his heart. + +'Now,' said he, 'you must pass at these lodgings as my near relation, +or they will not admit you.' + +At first, I hesitated at deviating from veracity; but soon consented, +on recollecting, that though heroines begin with praising truth, +necessity makes them end with being the greatest story-tellers in the +world. Nay, Clarissa Harlowe, when she had a choice, often preferred +falsehood to fact. + +During our walk to the lodgings, Montmorenci instructed me how to play +my part, and on our arrival, introduced me to the landlady, who was +about fifty, and who looked as if the goddess of fasting had bespoken +her for a hand-maid. + +With an amiable effrontery, and a fine easy flow of falsehood, he told +her, as we had concerted, that I was his second cousin, and an orphan; +my name Miss Donald (Amanda's assumed name), and that I had come to +Town for the purpose of procuring by his interest, an appointment at +the Theatre. + +The landlady said she would move heaven and earth, and her own bed, for +so good a gentleman; and then consented to give me her sleeping-room on +the ground-floor, at some trifle or other,--I forget what. I have also +the use of a parlour adjoining it. There is, however, nothing +mysterious in these chambers, but a dark closet belonging to the +parlour, whither I may fly for refuge, when pursued by my persecutors. + +Thus, my friend, the plot of my history begins to take a more +interesting shape, and a fairer order of misfortune smiles upon me. +Trust me, there is a taste in distress as well as in millinery. Far be +from me the loss of eyes or limbs, such publicity as the pillory +affords, or the grossness of a jail-fever. I would be sacrificed to the +lawless, not to the laws, dungeoned in the holy Inquisition, not +clapped into Bridewell, recorded in a novel, not in the Newgate +Calender. Were I inelegantly unhappy, I should be wretched indeed. + +Yes, my Biddy, sensations hitherto unknown now heave my white bosom, +vary the carnation of my cheeks, and irradiate my azure eyes. I sigh, +gaze on vacancy, start from a reverie; now bite, now moisten my coral +lip, and pace my chamber with unequal steps. Too sure I am deeply, +distractedly in love, and Altamont Mortimer Montmorenci is the first of +men. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER X + + +The landlady, his lordship, and another lodger, are accustomed to dine +in common; and his lordship easily persuaded me to join the party. +Accordingly, just as I had finished my last letter, dinner was +announced, so having braided my tresses, I tripped up stairs, and +glided into the room. You must know I have practised tripping, gliding, +flitting, and tottering, with great success. Of these, tottering ranks +first, as it is the approved movement of heroic distress. + +'I wonder where our mad poet can be?' said the hostess; and as she +spoke, an uncouth figure entered, muttering in emphatic accents, + + 'The hounds around bound on the sounding ground.' + +He started on seeing me, and when introduced by his lordship, as Mr. +Higginson, his fellow lodger, and a celebrated poet, he made an +unfathomable bow, rubbed his hands, and reddened to the roots of his +hair. + +This personage is tall, gaunt, and muscular; with a cadaverous +countenance, and black hair in strings on his forehead. I find him one +of those men who spend their lives in learning how the Greeks and +Romans lived; how they spoke, dressed, ate; what were their coins and +houses, &c.; but neglect acquainting themselves with the manners and +customs of their own times. Montmorenci tells me that his brain is +affected by excessive study; but that his manners are harmless. + +At dinner, Montmorenci looked all, said all, did all, which conscious +nobility, united with ardent attachment, could inspire in a form +unrivalled, and a face unexcelled. I perceived that the landlady +regarded him with eyes of tender attention, and languishing allurement, +but in vain. I was his magnet and his Cynosure. + +As to Higginson, he did not utter a word during dinner, except asking +for a bit of _lambkin_; but he preserved a perpetuity of gravity in +his face, and stared at me, the whole time, with a stupid and +reverential fixedness. When I spoke, he stopped in whatever attitude +he happened to be; whether with a glass at his mouth, or a fork half +lifted to it. + +After dinner, I proposed that each of us should relate the history of +our lives; an useful custom established by heroines, who seldom fail of +finding their account in it; as they are almost always sure to +discover, by such means, either a grandmother or a murder. Thus too, +the confession of a monk, the prattle of an old woman, a diamond cross +on a child's neck, or a parchment, are the certain forerunners of +virtue vindicated, vice punished, rights restored, and matrimony made +easy. + +The landlady was asked to begin. + +'I have nothing to tell of myself,' said she, 'but that my mother left +me this house, and desired me to look out for a good husband, Mr. +Grundy; and I am not as old as I look; for I have had my griefs, as +well as other folks, and every tear adds a year, as they say; and 'pon +my veracity, Mr. Grundy, I was but thirty-two last month. And my +bitterest enemies never impeached my character, that is what they +did'nt, nor could'nt; they dare'nt to my face. I am a perfect snowdrop +for purity. Who presumes to go for to say that a lord left me an +annuity or the like? Who, I ask? But I got a prize in the lottery. So +this is all I can think to tell of myself; and, Mr. Grundy, your +health, and a good wife to you, Sir.' + +After this eloquent piece of biography, we requested of Higginson to +recount his adventures; and he read a short sketch, which was to have +accompanied a volume of poems, had not the booksellers refused to +publish them. I copy it for you. + + MEMOIRS OF JAMES HIGGINSON + + BY HIMSELF: + + 'Of the lives of poets, collected from posthumous record, and oral + tradition, as little is known with certainty, much must be left to + conjecture. He therefore, who presents his own memoirs to the + public, may surely merit the reasonable applause of all, whose + minds are emancipated from the petulance of envy, the + fastidiousness of hypercriticism, and the exacerbation of party. + + 'I was born in the year 1771, at 24, Swallow Street; and should the + curious reader wish to examine the mansion, he has every thing to + hope from the alert urbanity of its present landlord, and the civil + obsequiousness of his notable lady. He who gives civility, gives + what costs him little, while remuneration may be multiplied in an + indefinite ratio. + + 'My parents were reputable tobacconists, and kept me behind the + counter, to negociate the titillating dust, and the tranquillizing + quid. Of genius the first spark which I elicited, was reading a + ballad in the shop, while the woman who sold it to me was stealing + a canister of snuff. This specimen of mental abstraction (a quality + which I still preserve), shewed that I would never make a good + tradesman; but it also shewed, that I would make an excellent + scholar. A tutor was accordingly appointed for me; and during a + triennial course of study, I had passed from the insipidity of the + incipient _hic_, _hæc_, _hoc_, to the music of a Virgil, and the + thunder of a Demosthenes. + + 'Debarred by my secluded life from copying the polished converse of + high society, I have at least endeavoured to avoid the vulgar + phraseology of low; and to discuss the very weather with a + sententious association of polysyllabical ratiocination. + + 'With illustrations of my juvenile character, recollection but ill + supplies me. That I have always disliked the diurnal ceremony of + ablution, and a hasty succession of linen, is a truth which he who + has a sensitive texture of skin will easily credit; which he who + will not credit, may, if he pleases, deny; and may, if he can, + controvert. But I assert the fact, and I expect to be believed, + because I assert it. Life, among its quiet blessings, can boast of + few things more comfortable than indifference to dress. + + 'To honey with my bread, and to apple-sauce with my goose, I have + ever felt a romantic attachment, resulting from the classical + allusions which they inspire. That man is little to be envied, + whose honey would not remind him of the Hyblean honey, and whose + apple-sauce would not suggest to him the golden apple. + + 'But notwithstanding my cupidity for such dainties, I have that + happy adaptation of taste which can banquet, with delight, upon + hesternal offals; can nibble ignominious radishes, or masticate + superannuated mutton. + + 'My first series of teeth I cut at the customary time, and the + second succeeded them with sufficient punctuality. This fact I had + from my mother. + + 'My first poetical attempt was an epitaph on the death of my tutor, + and it was produced at the precocious age of ten. + + EPITAPH + + Here lies the body of John Tomkins, who + Departed this life, aged fifty-two; + After a long and painful illness, that + He bore with Christian fortitude, though fat. + He died lamented deeply by this poem, + And all who had the happiness to know him. + + 'This composition my father did not long survive; and my mother, to + the management of the business feeling quite unequal, relinquished + it altogether, and retired with the respectable accumulation of a + thousand pounds. + + 'I still pursued my studies, and from time to time accommodated + confectionaries and band-boxes with printed sheets, which the world + might have read, had it pleased, and might have been pleased with, + had it read. For some years past, however, the booksellers have + declined to publish my productions at all. Envious enemies poison + their minds against me, and persuade them that my brain is + disordered. For, like Rousseau, I am the victim of implacable foes; + but my genius, like an arch, becomes stronger the more it is + opprest. + + 'On a pretty little maid of my mother's, I made my next poetical + effort, which I present to the reader. + + TO DOROTHY PULVERTAFT + + If Black-sea, White-sea, Red-sea ran + One tide of ink to Ispahan; + If all the geese in Lincoln fens, + Produc'd spontaneous, well-made pens; + If Holland old or Holland new, + One wond'rous sheet of paper grew; + Could I, by stenographic power, + Write twenty libraries an hour; + And should I sing but half the grace + Of half a freckle on thy face; + Each syllable I wrote, should reach + From Inverness to Bognor's beach; + Each hairstroke be a river Rhine, + Each verse an equinoctial line. + +'Of the girl, an immediate dismission ensued; but for what reason, let +the sedulous researches of future biographers decide. + +'At length, having resolved on writing a volume of Eclogues, I +undertook an excursion into the country to learn pastoral manners, and +write in comfort, far from my tailor. An amputated loaf, and a +contracted Theocritus, constituted my companions. Not a cloud blotted +the blue concave, not a breeze superinduced undulation over the verdant +tresses of the trees. + +'In vain I questioned the youths and maidens about their Damons and +Delias; their Dryads and Hamadryads; their Amaboean contentions and +their amorous incantations. When I talked of Pan, they asked me if it +was a pan of milk; when I requested to see the pastoral pipe, they +shewed me a pipe of tobacco; when I spoke of satyrs with horns, they +bade me go to the husbands; and when I spoke of fawns with cloven heel, +they bade me go to the Devil. While charmed with a thatched and shaded +cottage, its slimy pond or smoking dunghill disgusted me; and when I +recumbed on a bank of cowslips and primroses, my features were +transpierced by wasps and ants and nettles. I fell asleep under +sunshine, and awoke under a torrent of rain. Dripping and disconsolate, +I returned to my mother, drank some whey; and since that misadventurous +perambulation have never ruralized again. To him who subjects himself +to a recurrence of disaster, the praise of boldness may possibly be +accorded, but the praise of prudence must certainly be denied. + +'A satirical eclogue, however, was the fruit of this expedition. It is +called Antique Amours, and is designed to shew, that passions which are +adapted to one time of life, appear ridiculous in another. The reader +shall have it. + + ANTIQUE AMOUR + + AN ECLOGUE + + 'Tis eve. The sun his ardent axle cools + In ocean. Dripping geese shake off the pools. + An elm men's shadows measure; red and dun, + The shattered leaves are rustling as they run; + While an aged bachelor and ancient maid, + Sit amorous under an old oak decayed. + He (for blue vapours damp the scanty grass) + Strews fodder underneath the hoary lass; + Then thus,--O matchless piece of season'd clay, + 'Tis Autumn, all things shrivel and decay. + Yet as in withered Autumn, charms we see, + Say, faded maiden, may we not in thee? + What tho' thy cheek have furrows? ne'er deplore; + For wrinkles are the dimples of threescore: + Tho' from those azure lips the crimson flies, + It fondly circles round those roseate eyes; + And while thy nostrils snuff the fingered grain, + The tinct thy locks have lost, thy lips obtain. + Come then, age urges, hours have winged feet, + Ah! press the wedding ere the winding sheet. + To clasp that waist compact in stiffened fold, + Of woof purpureal, flowered with radiant gold; + Then, after stately kisses, to repair + That architectural edifice of hair, + These, these are blessings.--O my grey delight, + O venerable nymph, O painted blight, + Give me to taste of these. By Heaven above, + I tremble less with palsy than with love; + And tho' my husky murmurs creak uncouth, + My words flow unobstructed by a tooth. + Come then, age urges, hours have winged feet, + Ah! press the wedding ere the winding sheet. + Come, thou wilt ne'er provoke crimconic law, + Nor lie, maternal, on the pale-eyed straw. + Come, and in formal frolic intertwine, + The braided silver of thy hair with mine. + Then sing some bibulous and reeling glee, + And drink crusht juices of the grape with me. + Sing, for the wine no water shall dilute; + 'Tis drinking water makes the fishes mute. + Come then, age urges, hours have winged feet; + Ah! press the wedding, ere the winding sheet. + So spoke the slim and elderly remains + Of once a youth. A staff his frame sustains; + And aids his aching limbs, from knee to heel, + Thin as the spectre of a famished eel. + Sharpening the blunted glances of her eyes, + The virgin a decrepid simper tries, + Then stretches rigid smiles, which shew him plain, + Her passion, and the teeth that still remain. + Innocent pair! But now the rain begins, + So both knot kerchiefs underneath their chins. + And homeward haste. Such loves the Poet wrote, + In the patch'd poverty of half a coat; + Then diadem'd with quills his brow sublime, + Magnanimously mad in mighty rhime. + + 'With my venerable parent, I now pass a harmless life. As we have + no society, we have no scandal; ourselves, therefore, we make our + favourite topic, and ourselves we are unwilling to dispraise. + + 'Whether the public will admire my works, as well as my mother + does, far be from me to determine. If they cannot boast of wit and + judgment, to the praise of truth and modesty they may at least lay + claim. To be unassuming in an age of impudence, and veracious in an + age of mendacity, is to combat with a sword of glass against a + sword of steel; the transparency of the one may be more beautiful + than the opacity of the other; yet let it be recollected, that the + transparency is accompanied with brittleness, and the opacity with + consolidation.' + + * * * * * + +I listened with much compassion to this written evidence of a perverted +intellect. O my friend, what a frightful disorder is madness! + +My turn came next, and I repeated the fictitious tale that Montmorenci +had taught me. He confirmed it; and on being asked to relate his own +life, gave us, with great taste, such a natural narrative of a man +living on his wits, that any one who knew not his noble origin must +have believed it. + +Soon afterwards, he retired to dress for the theatre; and when he +returned, I beheld a perfect hero. He was habited in an Italian +costume; his hair hung in ringlets, and mustachios embellished his lip. + +He then departed in a coach, and as soon as he had left us: + +'I declare,' said the landlady to me, 'I do not like your cousin's +style of beauty at all; particularly his pencilled eyebrows and curled +locks, they look so womanish.' + +'What!' said I, 'not admire Hesperian, Hyacinthine, clustering curls? +Surely you would not have a hero with overhanging brows and lank hair? +These are worn by none but the villains and assassins.' + +I perceived poor Higginson colouring, and twisting his fingers; and I +then recollected that his brows and hair have precisely the faults +which I reprobated. + +'Dear, dear, dear!' muttered he, and made a precipitate retreat from +the room. + +I retired soon after; and I now hasten to throw myself on my bed, dream +of love and Montmorenci, and wake unrefreshed, from short and +distracted slumbers. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XI + + +This morning, soon after breakfast, I heard a gentle knocking at my +door, and, to my great astonishment, a figure, cased in shining armour, +entered. Oh! ye conscious blushes, it was my Montmorenci! A plume of +white feathers nodded on his helmet, and neither spear nor shield were +wanting. + +'I come,' cried he, bending on one knee, and pressing my hand to his +lips, 'I come in the ancient armour of my family, to perform my promise +of recounting to you the melancholy memoirs of my life.' + +'My lord,' said I, 'rise and be seated. Cherubina knows how to +appreciate the honour that Montmorenci confers.' + +He bowed; and having laid by his spear, shield, and helmet, he placed +himself beside me on the sofa, and began his heart-rending history. + +'All was dark. The hurricane howled, the hail rattled, and the thunder +rolled. Nature was convulsed, and the traveller inconvenienced. + +'In the province of Languedoc stood the Gothic Castle of Montmorenci. +Before it ran the Garonne, and behind it rose the Pyrenees, whose +summits exhibiting awful forms, seen and lost again, as the partial +vapours rolled along, were sometimes barren, and gleamed through the +blue tinge of air, and sometimes frowned with forests of gloomy fir, +that swept downward to their base. + +'My lads, are your carbines charged, and your daggers sharpened?' +whispered Rinaldo, with his plume of black feathers, to the banditti, +in their long cloaks. + +'If they an't,' said Bernardo, 'by St. Jago, we might load our carbines +with the hail, and sharpen our daggers against this confounded +north-wind.' + +'The wind is east-south-east,' said Ugo. + +'At this moment the bell of Montmorenci Castle tolled one. The sound +vibrated through the long corridors, the spiral staircases, the suites +of tapestried apartments, and the ears of the personage who has the +honour to address you. Much alarmed, I started from my couch, which was +of exquisite workmanship; the coverlet of flowered gold, and the canopy +of white velvet painted over with jonquils and butterflies, by Michael +Angelo. But conceive my horror when I beheld my chamber filled with +banditti! + +'Snatching my sword, I flew to a corner, where my coat of mail lay +heapt. The bravos rushed upon me; but I fought and dressed, and dressed +and fought, till I had perfectly completed my unpleasing toilette. + +'I then stood alone, firm, dignified, collected, and only fifteen years +of age. + + Alack! there lies more peril in thine eye, + Than twenty of their swords.-- + +'To describe the horror of the contest that followed, were beyond the +pen of an Anacreon. In short, I fought till my silver skin was laced +with my golden blood; while the bullets flew round me, thick as hail, + + And whistled as they went for want of thought. + +'At length my sword broke, so I set sail for England. + +'As I first touched foot on her chalky beach; Hail! exclaimed I, happy +land, thrice hail! Take to thy fostering bosom the destitute +Montmorenci--Montmorenci, once the first and richest of the Gallic +nobility--Montmorenci, whom wretches drove from his hereditary +territories, for loyalty to his monarch, and opposition to the +atrocities of exterminators and revolutionists. + +'Nine days and nights I wandered through the country, the rivulet my +beverage, and the berry my repast: the turf my couch, and the sky my +canopy.' + +'Ah!' interrupted I, 'how much you must have missed the canopy of white +velvet painted over with jonquils and butterflies!' + +'Extremely,' said he, 'for during sixteen long years, I had not a roof +over my head.--I was an itinerant beggar! + +'One summer's day, the cattle lay panting under the broad umbrage; the +sun had burst into an immoderate fit of splendour, and the struggling +brook chided the matted grass for obstructing it. I sat under a hedge, +and began eating wild strawberries; when lo! a form, flexile as the +flame ascending from a censer, and undulating with the sighs of a dying +vestal, flitted inaudible by me, nor crushed the daisies as it trod. +What a divinity! she was fresh as the Anadyomene of Apelles, and +beautiful as the Gnidus of Praxitiles, or the Helen of Zeuxis. Her eyes +dipt in Heaven's own hue.'---- + +'Sir,' said I, 'you need not mind her eyes: I dare say they were blue +enough. But pray who was this immortal doll of your's?' + +'Who!' cried he. 'Why who but--shall I speak it? Who but--the LADY +CHERUBINA DE WILLOUGHBY!!!' + +'I!' + +'You!' + +'Ah! Montmorenci!' + +'Ah! Cherubina! I followed you with cautious steps,' continued he, +'till I traced you into your--you had a garden, had you not?' + +'Yes.' + +'Into your garden. I thought ten thousand flowerets would have leapt +from their beds to offer you a nosegay. But the age of gallantry is +past, that of merchants, placemen, and fortune-hunters has succeeded, +and the glory of Cupid is extinguished for ever! + +'You disappeared, I uttered incoherent sentences, and next morning +resumed my station at a corner of the garden.' + +'At which corner?' asked I. + +'Why really,' said he, 'I cannot explain; for the place was then new to +me, and the ground was covered with snow.' + +'With snow!' cried I. 'Why I thought you were eating wild strawberries +only the day before.' + +'I!' said he. 'Sure you mistake.' + +'I declare most solemnly you told me so,' cried I. + +'Why then,' said he, 'curse me if I did.' + +'Sir,' said I. 'I must remark that your manners----' + +'Bless me!' cried he, 'yes, I did say so, sure enough, and I did eat +wild strawberries too; but they were _preserved_ wild strawberries. I +had got a small crock of them from an oyster woman, who was opening +oysters in a meadow, for a hysterical butcher; and her knife having +snapt in two, I lent her my sword; so, out of gratitude, she made me a +present of the preserves. By the bye, they were mouldy. + +'One morning, as I sat at the side of the road, asking alms, some +provincial players passed by me. I accosted them, and offered my +services. In short, they took me with them; I performed, was applauded; +and at length my fame reached London, where I have now been acting some +years, with much success; anxious as I am, to realize a little money, +that I may return, in disguise, to my native country, and petition +Napoleon to restore my forfeited estates. + +'Such, fair lady, such is my round, unvarnished tale. + +'But wherefore,' cried he, starting from his seat; 'wherefore talk of +the past? Oh! let me tell you of the present and of the future. Oh! let +me tell you, how dearly, how devotedly I love you!' + +'Love me!' cried I, giving such a start as the nature of the case +required. 'My lord, this is so--really now so----' + +'Pardon this abrupt avowal of my unhappy passion,' said he, flinging +himself at my feet. 'Fain would I have let concealment, like a worm in +the bud, feed on my damask cheek; but, oh! who could resist the +maddening sight of so much beauty?' + +I remained silent, and with the elegant embarrassment of modesty, cast +my blue eyes to the ground. I never looked so lovely. + +'But I go!' cried he, springing on his feet. 'I fly from you for ever! +No more shall Cherubina be persecuted with my hopeless love. But +Cherubina, the hills and the vallies shall echo, and the songsters of +the grove shall articulate Cherubina. I will shake the leaves of the +forest with my sighs, and make the stream so briny with my tears, that +the turbot shall swim into it, and the sea-weed grow upon its banks!' + +'Ah, do not!' said I, with a look of unutterable anguish. + +'I will!' exclaimed he, pacing the chamber with long strides, and +slapping his heart, 'and I call all the stars of respectability to +witness the vow. Then, Lady Cherubina,' continued he, stopping short +before me; 'then, when maddened and emaciated, I shall pillow my +haggard head on a hard rock, and lulled by the hurricanes of Heaven, +shall sink into the sleep of the grave.'---- + +'Dear Montmorenci!' said I, quite overcome, 'live for my sake--as you +value my--friendship,--live.' + +'Friendship!' echoed he. 'Oh! Cherubina, Oh! my soul's precious +treasure, say not that icy word. Say hatred, disgust, horror; any thing +but friendship.' + +'What shall I say?' cried I, ineffably affected, 'or what shall I do?' + +'What you please,' muttered he, looking wild and pressing his forehead. +'My brain is on fire. Hark! chains are clanking--The furies are +whipping me with their serpents--What smiling cherub arrests yon bloody +hand? Ha! 'tis Cherubina. And now she frowns at me--she darts at +me--she pierces my heart with an arrow of ice!' + +He threw himself on the floor, groaned grievously, and tore his hair. I +was horror-struck. + +'I declare,' said I, 'I would say any thing on earth to relieve +you;--only tell me what.' + +'Angel of light!' exclaimed he, springing upon his feet, and beaming on +me a smile that might liquefy marble. 'Have I then hope? Dare I say it? +Dare I pronounce the divine words, she loves me?' + +'I am thine and thou art mine!' murmured I, while the room swam before +me. + +He took both my hands in his own, pressed them to his forehead and +lips, and leaned his burning cheek upon them. + +'My sight is confused,' said he, 'my breathing is opprest; I hear +nothing, my veins swell, a palpitation seizes my heart, and I scarcely +know where I am, or whether I exist!' + +Then softly encircling my waist with his arm, he pressed me to his +heart. With what modesty I tried to extricate myself from his embrace; +yet with what willing weakness I trembled on his bosom. It was +Cherubina's hand that fell on his shoulder, it was Cherubina's tress +that played on his cheek, it was Cherubina's sigh that breathed on his +lip. + +'Moment of a pure and exquisite emotion!' cried he. 'In the life of man +you are known but once; yet once known, can you ever be forgotten? Now +to die would be to die most blest!' + +Suddenly he caught me under the chin, and kissed me. I struggled from +him, and sprang to the other end of the room, while my neck and face +were suffused with a glow of indignation. + +'Really,' said I, panting with passion, 'this is so unprovoked, so +presuming.' + +He cast himself at my feet, execrated his folly, and swore that he had +merely fulfilled an etiquette indispensible among lovers in his own +country. + +''Tis not usual here, my lord,' said I; 'and I have no notion of +submitting to any freedom that is not sanctioned by the precedent of +those exalted models whom I have the honour to imitate. + +'I fancy, my lord, you will find, that, as far as a kiss on the hand, +or an arm round the waist, they have no particular objection. But a +salute on the lip is considered inaccurate. My lord, on condition that +you never repeat the liberty, here is my hand.' + +He snatched it with ardor, and strained it to his throbbing bosom. + +'And now,' cried he, 'make my happiness complete, by making this hand +mine for ever.' + +On a sudden an air of dignified grandeur involved my form. My mind, for +the first time, was called upon to reveal its full force. It felt the +solemnity of the appeal, and triumphed in its conscious ability. + +'What!' cried I, 'knowest thou not the fatal, the inscrutable, the +mysterious destiny, which must ever prevent our union?' + +'Speak, I conjure you,' cried he, 'or I expire on the spot.' + +'Alas!' exclaimed I, 'can'st thou suppose the poor orphan Cherubina so +destitute of principle and of pride, as to intrude herself unknown, +unowned, unfriended; mysterious in her birth, and degraded in her +situation, on the ancient and illustrious House of Montmorenci? + +'Here then I most solemnly vow, never to wed, till the horrible mystery +which hangs over my birth be developed.' + +You know, Biddy, that a heroine ought always to snatch at an +opportunity of making a fatal vow. When things are going on too smooth, +and interest drooping, a fatal vow does wonders. I remember reading in +some romance, of a lady, who having vowed never to divulge a certain +secret, kept it twenty years; and with such inviolability, that she +lived to see it the death of all her children, several of her friends, +and a fine old aunt. + +As soon as I had made this fatal vow, his lordship fell into the most +afflicting agonies and attitudes. + +'Oh!' cried he, 'to be by your side, to see you, touch you, talk to +you, love you, adore you, and yet find you lost to me for ever. Oh! +'tis too much, too much.' + +'The milliner is here, Miss,' said the maid, tapping at the door. + +'Bid her call again,' said I. + +'Beloved of my soul!' murmured his lordship. + +'Ma'am,' interrupted the maid, opening the door, 'she cannot call +again, as she must go from this to Kensington.' + +'Then let her come in,' said I, and she entered with a charming +assortment of bonnets and dresses. + +'We will finish the scene another time,' whispered I to his lordship. + +His lordship swore that he would drop dead that instant. + +The milliner declared that she had brought me the newest patterns. + +'On my honour,' said I to his lordship, 'you shall finish this scene +to-morrow morning, if you wish it.' + +'You may go and be---- Heigho!' said he, suddenly checking himself. +What he was about to say, I know not; something mysterious, I should +think, by the knitting of his brows. However, he snatched his spear, +shield, and helmet, made a low bow, laid his hand on his heart, and +stalked out of the chamber. Interesting youth! + +I then ran in debt for some millinery, drank hartshorn, and chafed my +temples. + +I think I was right about the kiss. I confess I am not one of those +girls who try to attract men through the medium of the touch; and who +thus excite passion at the expence of respect. Lips are better employed +in sentiment, than in kissing. Indeed, had I not been fortified by the +precedent of other heroines, I should have felt, and I fear, did +actually feel, even the classical embrace of Montmorenci too great a +freedom. But remember I am still in my noviciate. After a little +practice, I shall probably think it rather a pleasure to be strained, +and prest, and folded to the heart. Yet of this I am certain, that I +shall never attain sufficient hardihood to ravish a kiss from a man's +mouth; as the divine Heloise did; who once ran at St. Preux, and +astonished him with the most balmy and remarkable kiss upon record. +Poor fellow! he was never the same after it. + +I must say too, that Montmorenci did not shew much judgment in urging +me to marry him, before I had undergone adventures for four volumes. +Because, though the heroic etiquette allowed me to fall in love at +first sight, and confess it at second sight, yet it would not authorize +me to marry myself off quite so smoothly. A heroine is never to be got +without agony and adventure. Even the ground must be lacerated, before +it will bring forth fruits, and often we cannot reach the lovely +violet, till we have torn our hands with brambles. + +I did not see his lordship again until dinner time; and we had almost +finished our repast, before the poet made his appearance and his bow. +His bow was as usual, but his appearance was strangely changed. His +hair stood in stiff ringlets on his forehead, and he had pruned his +bushy eyebrows, till hardly one bristle remained; while a pair of white +gloves, small enough for myself, were forced upon his hands. He glanced +at us with a conscious eye, and hurried to his seat at table. + +'Ovid's Metamorphoses, by Jupiter!' exclaimed Montmorenci. 'Why, +Higginson, how shameful for the mice to have nibbled your eyebrows, +while Apollo Belvidere was curling your hair!' + +The poet blushed, and ate with great assiduity. + +'My dear fellow,' continued his lordship, 'we can dispense with those +milk-white gloves during dinner. Tell me, are they mamma's, dear +mamma's?' + +'I will tell my mother of you!' cried the poet, half rising from his +chair. + +Now his mother is an old bed-ridden lady in one of the garrets. I then +interfered in his behalf, and peace was restored. + +After dinner, I took an opportunity, when the landlady had left the +room, to request ten pounds from his lordship, for the purpose of +paying the milliner. Never was regret so finely pictured in a face as +in his, while he swore that he had not a penny upon earth. Indeed so +graceful was his lamentation, so interesting his penury, that though +the poet stole out of the room for ten pounds, which he slipped into my +hand, I preferred the refusal of the one to the donation of the other. + +Yes, this amiable young nobleman increases in my estimation every +moment. Never can you catch him out of a picturesque position. He would +exhaust in an hour all the attitudes of all the statues; when he talks +tenderness, his eyes glow with a moist fire, and he always brings in +his heart with peculiar happiness. Then too, his oaths are at once well +conceived and elegantly expressed. Thunderbolts and the fixed stars are +ever at his elbow, and no man can sink himself to perdition with so +fine a grace. + +But I could write of him, talk of him, think of him, hour after hour, +minute after minute; even now, while the shadows of night are +blackening the blushes of the rose, till dawn shall stain with her +ruddy fire, the snows of the naked Apennine; till the dusky streams +shall be pierced with darts of light, and the sun shall quaff his dewy +beverage from the cup of the tulip, and the chalice of the lily. That +is pretty painting. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XII + + +'It is my lady, O it is my love!' exclaimed Lord Altamont Mortimer +Montmorenci, as he flew, like a winged mercury, into my apartment this +morning. A loud rap at the door checked his eloquence, and spoiled a +most promising posture. + +'Is Miss Wilkinson within?' said a voice in the hall. + +'No such person lives here,' replied the maid, who was accustomed to +hear me called Miss Donald. + +'But there does, and on the ground-floor too, and I will find her out, +I warrant,' cried the same voice. + +My door was then thrown open, and who should waddle into the room, but +fat Wilkinson! + +My first feeling (could you believe it) was of gladness at seeing him; +nor had I presence of mind enough, either to repulse his embrace, or +utter a piercing shriek. Happily my recollection soon returned, and I +flung him from me. + +'Cherry,' said he, 'dear Cherry, what have I done to you, that you +should use me thus? Was there ever a wish of your heart that I left +ungratified? And now to desert me in my old age! Only come home with +me, my child, only come home with me, and I will forgive you all.' + +'Wilkinson,' said I, 'this interview must be short, pointed, and +decisive. As to calling yourself my father, that is a stale trick, and +will not pass; and as to personating (what I perceive you aspire to) +the grand villain of my plot, your corpulency, pardon me, puts that out +of the question for ever. I should be just as happy to employ you as +any other man I know, but excuse me if I say, that you rather overrate +your talents and qualifications. Have you the gaunt ferocity of famine +in your countenance? Can you darken the midnight of a scowl? Have you +the quivering lip and the Schedoniac contour? And while the lower part +of your face is hidden in black drapery, can your eyes glare from under +the edge of a cowl? In a word, are you a picturesque villain, full of +plot, and horror, and magnificent wickedness? Ah, no, Sir, you are only +a sleek, good-humoured, chuckle-headed gentleman. Continue then what +nature made you; return to your plough, mow, reap, fatten your pigs and +the parson; but never again attempt to get yourself thrust into the +pages of a romance.' + +Disappointment and dismay forced more meaning into his features than I +thought them possessed of. The fact is, he had never imagined that my +notions of what villains ought to be were so refined; and that I have +formed my taste in these matters upon the purest models. + +As a last effort of despair, the silly man flung himself on his knees +before me, and grasping my hands, looked up in my face, with such an +imploring wretchedness of expression, while the tears rolled silently +down his cheeks, that I confess I was a little moved; and for the +moment fancied him sincere. + +'Now goodness bless thee,' said he, at length, 'goodness bless thee, +for those sweet tears of thine, my daughter!' + +'Tears!' cried I, quite shocked. + +'Yes, darling,' said he, 'and now with this kiss of peace and love, we +will blot out all the past.' + +I shrieked, started from my seat, and rushed into the expanding arms of +Montmorenci. + +'And pray, Sir,' cried Wilkinson, advancing fiercely, 'who are you?' + +'A lodger in this house, Sir,' answered his lordship, 'and your best +friend, as I trust you will acknowledge hereafter. I became acquainted +with this lady at the table of our hostess, and learned from her, that +she had left your house in disgust. Yesterday morning, on entering her +apartment, to make my respects, I found an old gentleman there, one +Doctor Merrick, whom I recognized as a wretch of infamous character; +tried twice for shoplifting, and once for having swindled the Spanish +ambassador out of a golden snuff-box. I, though an humble individual, +yet being well acquainted with this young lady's high respectability, +presumed to warn her against such a dangerous companion; when I found, +to my great concern, that she had already promised him her hand in +marriage.' + +Wilkinson groaned: I stared. + +'On being apprised of his character,' continued Montmorenci, 'the young +lady was willing enough to drop the connection, but unfortunately, the +ruffian had previously procured a written promise of marriage from her, +which he now refuses to surrender; and at the moment you came, I was +consulting with your daughter what was best to be done.' + +'Lead me to him!' cried Wilkinson, 'lead me to the villain this +instant, and I will shew you what is best to be done!' + +'I have appointed an interview with him, about this time,' said his +lordship, 'and as your feelings might probably prompt you to too much +warmth, perhaps you had better not accompany me; but should I fail in +persuading him to deliver up the fatal paper, you shall then see him +yourself.' + +'You are a fine fellow!' cried the farmer, shaking his hand, 'and have +bound me to you for ever.' + +'I will hasten to him now,' said his lordship, and casting a +significant glance at me, departed; leaving me quite astonished, both +at his story, and his motive for fabricating it. It was, however, my +business to support the deception. + +Wilkinson then told me that he discovered my place of residence in +London, from the discharged Butler, who, it seems, is not your son, but +your lover; and to whom you have shewn all my letters. He went to +Wilkinson, and made the disclosure for forty guineas. Sordid wretch! +and Wilkinson says that he wants to marry you, merely for the sake of +your annuity. Biddy, Biddy! had you known as much of the world as I do +now, a fortune hunter would not have imposed upon you. + +As to your shewing him my letters, I cannot well blame you for a breach +of trust, which has answered the purpose of involving my life in a more +complicated labyrinth of entanglements. + +But to return. In the midst of our conversation, the maid brought me a +note. It was from Montmorenci, and as follows: + + 'Will my soul's idol forgive the tale I told Wilkinson, since it + was devised in order to save her from his fangs? This Doctor + Merrick, whom I mentioned to him, instead of being a swindler, is a + mad-doctor; and keeps a private madhouse. I have just seen him, and + have informed him that I am about to put a lunatic gentleman, my + honoured uncle, under his care. I told him, that this dear uncle + (who, you may well suppose is Wilkinson) has lucid intervals; that + his madness arose from grief at an unfortunate amour of his + daughter's, and shews itself in his fancying that every man he sees + wants to marry her, and has her written promise of marriage. + + 'I have already advanced the necessary fees, and now is your time + to wheedle Wilkinson out of money, by pretending that you will + return home with him. A true heroine, my sweet friend, ever shines + in deception. + + Good now, play one scene + Of excellent dissembling.--SHAKESPEARE. + + 'Ever, ever, ever, + + 'Your faithful + + 'MONTMORENCI. + + 'P.S. Excuse tender language, as I am in haste.' + +This dear letter I placed in my bosom: and when I begged of the farmer +to let me have a little money, he took out his pocket-book. + +'Here, my darling,' said he, 'here are notes to the tune of a hundred +pounds, that you may pay all you owe, and purchase whatever baubles and +finery you like. This is what you get for discarding that swindler, and +promising to return home with old dad.' + +Soon afterwards, our hero came back, and told us that his interview had +proved unsuccessful. It was therefore determined that we should all +repair to the Doctor's (for Wilkinson would not go without me), and off +we set in a hired coach. On our arrival, we were shewn into a parlour, +and after some minutes of anxious suspense, the Doctor, a thin little +figure, with a shrivelled face and bushy wig, came humming into the +room. + +Wilkinson being introduced, the Doctor commenced operations, by trying +the state of his brain. + +'Any news to-day, Mr. Wilkinson?' said he. + +'Very bad news for me, Sir,' replied Wilkinson, sullenly. + +'I mean public news,' said the Doctor. + +'A private grievance ought to be considered of public moment,' said +Wilkinson. + +'Well remarked, Sir,' cried the Doctor, 'a clear-headed observation as +possible. Sir, I give you credit. There is a neatness in the turn of it +that argues a collected intellect.' + +'Sir,' said Wilkinson, 'I hope that some other observations which I am +about to offer will please you as well.' + +'I hope so for your own sake,' answered the Doctor; 'I shall certainly +listen to them with a favourable ear.' + +'Thank you, Sir,' said the farmer: 'and such being the case, I make no +doubt that all will go well; for men seldom disagree, when they wish to +coincide.' + +'Good again,' cried the Doctor. 'Apt and good. Sir, if you continue to +talk so rationally, I promise you that you will not remain long in my +house.' + +'I am sorry,' replied Wilkinson, 'that talking rationally is the way to +get turned out of your house, because I have come for the purpose of +talking rationally.' + +'And while such is your resolution,' said the Doctor, 'nothing shall be +left undone to make my house agreeable. You have only to hint your +wishes, and they shall be gratified.' + +'Sir, Sir,' cried Wilkinson, grasping his hand, 'your kindness is +overpowering, because it is unexpected. However, I do not mean to +trespass any farther on your kindness than just to request, that you +will do me the favour of returning to my daughter the silly paper +written by her, containing her promise to marry you; and if you could +conveniently lay your hand on it now, you would add to the obligation, +as I mean to leave Town in an hour.' + +'Mr. Wilkinson,' said the Doctor, 'I shall deal candidly with you. +Probably you will not leave Town these ten years. And pardon me, if I +give you fair warning, that should you persist in asking for the paper, +a severe horse-whipping will be the consequence.' + +'A horse-whipping!' repeated Wilkinson, as if he could not believe his +ears. + +'You shall be cut from shoulder to flank,' said the Doctor. ''Tis my +usual way of beginning.' + +'Any thing more, my fine fellow?' cried the farmer. + +'Only that if you continue refractory,' said the Doctor, 'you shall be +lashed to the bed-post, and shall live on bread and water for a month.' + +'Here is a proper ruffian for you!' cried Wilkinson. 'Now, by the +mother that bore me, I have a good mind to flay you within an inch of +your life!' + +'Make haste then,' said the Doctor, ringing the bell; 'for you will be +handcuffed in half a minute.' + +'Why you little creature,' cried Wilkinson, 'do you hope to frighten +me? Not ask for the paper, truly! Ay, ten thousand times over and over. +Give me the paper, give me the paper; give me the paper, the paper, the +paper! What say you to that, old Hector?' + +'The handcuffs!' cried the Doctor to the servant. + +'Ay, first handcuff me, and then pick my pockets,' cried Wilkinson. +'You see I have found you out, sirrah! yes I have discovered that you +are a common shoplifter, tried five times for your life--and the very +fellow that swindled the Spanish ambassador out of a diamond +snuff-box.' + +'A good deal deranged, indeed,' whispered the Doctor to his lordship. + +'But how the deuce the girl could bring herself to fancy you,' cried +Wilkinson, 'that is what shocks me most. A fellow, by all that is +horrid, as ugly as if he were bespoke--an old fellow, too, and twice as +disgusting, and not half so interesting, as a monkey in a consumption.' + +'Perfectly distracted, 'pon my conscience!' muttered the Doctor; 'the +maddest scoundrel, confound him, that ever bellowed in Bedlam!' + +Two servants entered with handcuffs. + +'Look you,' cried Wilkinson, shaking his cane; 'dare to bring your +bullies here, and if I don't cudgel their carcases out of shape, and +your's into shape, may I be shot.' + +'Secure his hands,' said the Doctor. + +Wilkinson instantly darted at the Doctor, and knocked him down. The +servants collared Wilkinson, who called to Montmorenci for assistance; +but in vain; and after a furious scuffle, the farmer was handcuffed. + +'Dear uncle, calm these transports!' said his lordship. 'Your dutiful +and affectionate nephew beseeches you to compose yourself.' + +'Uncle!--nephew!' cried the farmer. 'What do you mean, fellow? Who the +devil is this villain?' + +'Are you so far gone, as not to know your own nephew?' said the Doctor, +grinning with anger. + +'Never set eyes on the poltron till an hour ago!' cried Wilkinson. + +'Merciful powers!' exclaimed Montmorenci. 'And when I was a baby, he +dandled me; and when I was a child, he gave me whippings and +sugar-plums; and when I came to man's estate, he cherished me in his +bosom, and was unto me as a father!' Here his lordship applied a +handkerchief to his face. + +'The man is crazed!' cried Wilkinson. + +'No, dear uncle,' said Montmorenci, ''tis you who are crazed; and to be +candid with you, this is a madhouse, and this gentleman is the +mad-doctor, and with him you must now remain, till you recover from +your complaint--the most afflicting instance of insanity, that, +perhaps, was ever witnessed.' + +'Insanity!' faltered the farmer, turning deadly pale. 'Mercy, mercy on +my sinful soul, for I am a gone man!' + +'Nay,' said his lordship, 'do not despair. The Doctor is the first in +his profession, and will probably cure you in the course of a few +years.' + +'A few years? That bread and water business will dispatch me in a week! +Mad? I mad? I vow to my conscience, Doctor, I was always reckoned the +quietest, easiest, sweetest--sure every one knows honest Gregory +Wilkinson. Don't they, Cherry? Dear child, answer for your father. Am I +mad? Am I, Cherry?' + +'As butter in May,' said Montmorenci. + +'You lie like a thief!' vociferated the farmer, struggling and kicking. +'You lie, you sneering, hook-nosed reprobate!' + +'Why, my dear uncle,' said Montmorenci, 'do you not recollect the night +you began jumping like a grasshopper, and scolding the full-moon in my +deer-park?' + +'Your deer-park? I warrant you are not worth a cabbage-garden! But now +I see through the whole plot. Ay, I am to be kept a prisoner here, +while my daughter marries that old knave before my face. It would kill +me, Cherry; I tell you I should die on the spot. Oh, my unfortunate +girl, are you too conspiring against me? Are you, Cherry? Dear Cherry, +speak. Only say you are not!' + +'Indeed, my friend,' said I, 'you shall be treated with mildness. +Doctor, I beg you will not act harshly towards him. With all his +faults, the man is goodnatured and well tempered, and to do him +justice, he has always used me kindly.' + +'Have I not?' cried he. 'Sweet Cherry, beautiful Cherry, blessings on +you for that!' + +'Come away,' said Montmorenci hastily. 'You know 'tis near dinner +time.' + +'Farewell, Doctor,' said I. 'Adieu, poor Wilkinson.' + +'What, leaving me?' cried he, 'leaving your old father a prisoner in +this vile house? Oh, cruel, cruel!' + +'Come,' said Montmorenci, taking my hand: 'I have particular business +elsewhere.' + +'For pity's sake, stay five minutes!' cried Wilkinson, struggling with +the servants. + +'Come, my love!' said Montmorenci. + +'Only one minute--one short minute!' cried the other. + +'Well,' said I, stopping, 'one minute then.' + +'Not one moment!' cried his lordship, and was hurrying me away. + +'My child, my child!' cried Wilkinson, with a tone of such +indescribable agony, as made the blood curdle in my veins. + +'Dear Sir,' said I, returning; 'indeed I am your friend. But you know, +you know well, I am not your child.' + +'You are!' cried he, 'by all that is just and good, you are my own +child!' + +'By all that is just and good,' exclaimed Montmorenci, 'you shall come +away this instant, or remain here for ever.' And he dragged me out of +the room. + +'Now then,' said the poor prisoner, as the door was closing, 'now do +what you please with me, for my heart is quite broken!' + +On our way home, his lordship enjoined the strictest secrecy with +regard to this adventure. I shewed him the hundred pounds, and +reimbursed him for what he had paid the Doctor; and on our arrival, I +discharged my debt to the poet. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XIII + + +Soon after I had got into these lodgings, I sent the servant to +Grosvenor Square, with a message for Betterton, requesting him to let +me have back the bandbox, which I left at his house the night I fled +from him. In a short time she returned with it, and I found every +article safe. + +To my amazement and dismay, who should enter my apartment this morning +but Betterton himself! I dropped my book. He bowed to the dust. + +'Your business, Sir?' said I, rising with a dignity, which, from my +being under the repeated necessity of assuming it, has now become +natural to me. + +'To make a personal apology,' replied he, 'for the disrespectful and +inhospitable treatment which the loveliest of her sex experienced at my +house.' + +'An apology for one insult,' said I, 'must seem insincere, when the +mode adopted for making it is another insult.' + +'The retort is exquisitely elegant,' answered he, 'but I trust, not +true. For, granting, my dear Madam, that I offer a second insult by my +intrusion, still I may lessen the first insult so much by my apology +that the sum of both may be less than the first, as it originally +stood.' + +'Really,' said I, 'you have blended politeness and arithmetic so +happily together; you have clothed multiplication and subtraction in +such polished phraseology----' + +'Good!' cried he, 'that is real wit.' + +'You have added so much algebra to so much sentiment,' continued I. + +'Good, good!' interrupted he again. + +'In short, you have apologized so gracefully by the rule of three, that +I know not which has assisted you the most--Chesterfield or Cocker.' + +'Inimitable,' exclaimed he. 'Really your retorting powers are superior +to those of any heroine on record.' + +In short, my friend, I was so delighted with my repartee, that I could +not, for my life, continue vexed with the object of it; and before he +left me, I said the best things in nature, found him the most agreeable +old man in the world, shook hands with him at parting, and gave him +permission to visit me again. + +On calm consideration, I do not disapprove of my having allowed him +this liberty. Were he merely a good kind of good for nothing old +gentleman, it would only be losing time to cultivate an acquaintance +with him. But as the man is a reprobate, I may find account in +enlisting him amongst the other characters; particularly, since I am at +present miserably off for villains. Indeed, I augur auspiciously of his +powers, from the fact (which he confessed), of his having discovered my +place of abode, by following the maid, when she was returning with my +bandbox. + +But I have to inform you of another rencontre. + +Last night, the landlady, Higginson, and myself, went to see his +lordship perform in the new Spectacle. The first piece was called a +melodrama; a compound of horror and drollery, where scenery, dresses, +and decorations, prevailed over nature, genius, and moral. As to the +plot, I could make nothing of it; only that the hero and heroine were +in very great trouble about trifles, and quite at their ease in real +distress. For instance, when the heroine had arrived at the height of +her misery, she began to sing. Then the hero, resolving to revenge her +wrongs, falls upon one knee, turns up his eyes, and calls on the sacred +majesty of God to assist him. This invocation to the Divinity might, +perhaps, prove the hero's piety, but I am afraid it shewed the poet's +want of any. Certainly, however, it produced a powerful effect on my +feelings. I heard the glory of God made subservient to a theatrical +clap-trap, and my blood ran cold. So, I fancy, did the blood of six or +seven sweet little children behind the scenes, for they were presently +sent upon the stage, to warm themselves with a dance. After dancing, +came murder, and the hero gracefully advanced with a bullet in his +head. He falls; and many well-meaning persons suppose that the curtain +will fall with him. No such thing: Hector had a funeral, and so must +Kemble. Accordingly the corpse appears, handsomely dished up on an +escutcheoned coffin; while certain virgins of the sun (who, I am told, +support that character better than their own), chaunt a holy requiem +round it. When horror was exhausted, the poet tried disgust. + +After this piece came another, full of bannered processions, gilded +pillars, paper snows, and living horses, that were really far better +actors than the men who rode them. It concluded with a grand battle, in +which twenty men on horseback, and twenty on foot, beat each other +indiscriminately, and with the utmost good humour. Armour clashed, +sabres struck fire, a castle was burnt to the ground, horses fell dead, +the audience rose shouting and clapping, and a man just below me in the +pit, cried out in an ecstasy, 'I made their saddles! I made their +saddles!' + +As to Montmorenci's performance, nothing could equal it; for though his +character was the meanest in the piece, he contrived to make it the +most prominent. He had an emphasis for every word, an attitude for +every emphasis, and a look for every attitude. The people, indeed, +hissed him repeatedly, because they knew not, as I did, that his acting +a broken soldier in the style of a dethroned monarch, proceeded from +his native nobility of soul, not his want of talent. + +After the performance, we were pressing through the crowd in the lobby, +when I saw, as I thought, Stuart (Bob Stuart!), at a short distance +from me, looking anxiously about him. On nearer inspection, I found I +was right, and it occurred to me, that I might extract a most +interesting scene from him, besides laying a foundation for future +incident. I therefore separated myself (like Evelina at the Opera) from +my party, and contrived to cross his path. At first he did not +recognize me, but I continued by his side till he did. + +'Miss Wilkinson!' exclaimed he, 'how rejoiced I am to see you! Where is +your father?' + +'Let us leave this place,' said I, 'they are searching for me, I know +they are.' + +'Who?' said he. + +'Hush!' whispered I. 'Conduct me in silence from the theatre.' + +He put my hand under his arm, and hurried me away. When we had gained +the street: + +'You may perceive by my lameness,' said he, 'that I am not yet well of +the wound I received the night I met you on the Common. But I could not +refrain from accompanying your father to Town, in search of you; and as +I heard nothing of him since he went to your lodgings yesterday, I +called there myself this evening, and was told that you had gone to the +theatre. They could give me no information about your father, but of +course, you have seen him since he came to Town.' + +'I have not, I assure you,' said I, an evasive, yet conscientious +answer, because Wilkinson is not my real father. + +'That is most extraordinary,' cried he, 'for he left the hotel +yesterday, to call on you. But tell me candidly, Miss Wilkinson, what +tempted you to leave home? How are you situated at present? with whom? +and what is your object?' + +'Alas!' said I, 'a horrible mystery hangs over me, which I dare not now +develop. It is enough, that in flying from one misfortune, I have +plunged into a thousand others, that peace has fled from my heart, and +that I am RUINED.' + +'Ruined!' exclaimed he, with a look of horror. + +'Past redemption,' said I, hiding my face in my hands. + +'This will be dreadful news for your poor father,' said he. 'But I beg +of you to tell me the particulars.' + +'Then to be brief,' answered I, 'the first night I came to Town, a +gentleman decoyed me into his house, and treated me extremely ill.' + +'The villain!' muttered Stuart. + +'Afterwards I left him,' continued I, 'and walked the streets, till I +was taken up for a robbery, and put into the watchhouse.' + +'Is this fact?' asked Stuart, 'or are you merely sporting with my +feelings?' + +''Tis fact, on my honour,' said I, 'and to conclude my short, but +pathetic tale, a gentleman, a mysterious and amiable youth, met me by +mere accident, after my release; and I am, at present, under his +protection.' + +'A shocking account indeed!' said he. 'But have you never considered +the consequences of continuing this abandoned course of life?' + +'Now here is a pretty insinuation!' cried I; 'but such is always the +fate of us poor heroines. No, never can we get through an innocent +adventure in peace and quietness, without having our virtue called in +question. 'Tis always our virtue, our virtue. If we are caught coming +out of a young man's bed-room,--'tis our virtue. If we remain a whole +night in the streets,--'tis our virtue. If we make a nocturnal +assignation,--Oh! 'tis our virtue, our virtue. Such a rout as they +make.' + +'I regret,' said Stuart, 'to see you treat the subject so lightly, but +I do beseech of you to recollect, that your wretched parent----' + +''Tis a fine night, Sir.' + +'That your wretched parent----' + +'Sir,' said I, 'when spleen takes the form of remonstrance, a lecture +is only a scolding put into good language. This is my house, Sir.' And +I stopped at the door. + +'At least,' said he, 'will you do me the favour of being at home for me +to-morrow morning?' + +'Perhaps I may,' replied I. 'So good night, master Bobby!' + +The poet and the landlady did not return for half an hour. They told me +that their delay was occasioned by their search for me; but I refused +all explanation as to what happened after I had lost them. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XIV + + +Just as I had finished my last letter, his lordship entered my room, +but saluted me coldly. + +'I am informed,' said he, 'that you strayed from your party last night, +and refused, afterwards, to give an account of yourself to the +landlady. May I hope, that to me, who feel a personal interest in all +your actions, you will be more communicative?' + +'I regret,' said I, 'that circumstances put it out of my power to +gratify your wishes. I foresee that you, like an Orville, or a +Mortimer, will suspect and asperse your mistress. But the Sun shall +return, the mist disperse, and the landscape laugh again.' + +'Confound your metaphors! 'cried he, discarding attitude and elegance +in an instant. 'Do you hope to hide your cunning under mists and +laughing landscapes? But I am not to be gulled; I am not to be done. No +going it upon me, I say. Tell me directly, madam, where you were, and +with whom; or by the devil of devils, you shall repent it finely.' + +I was thunderstruck. 'Sir,' said I, 'you have agitated the gentle air +with the concussion of inelegant oaths and idioms, uttered in the most +ungraceful manner. Sir, your vulgarity is unpardonable, and we now part +for ever.' + +'For ever!' exclaimed he, reverting into attitude, and interlacing his +knuckles in a clasp of agony. 'Hear me, Cherubina. By the shades of my +ancestors, my vulgarity was assumed!' + +'Assumed, Sir?' said I, 'and pray, for what possible purpose?' + +'Alas!' cried he, 'I must not, dare not tell. It is a sad story, and +enveloped in a mysterious veil. Oh! fatal vow! Oh! cruel Marchesa!' +Shocking were his contortions as he spoke. + +'No!' cried I. 'No vow could ever have produced so dreadful an effect +on your language.' + +'Well, 'said he, after a painful pause, 'sooner than incur the odium of +falsehood, I must disclose to you the horrid secret. + +'The young Count Di Narcissini was my friend. Educated together, we +became competitors in our studies and accomplishments; and in none of +them could either of us be said to excel the other; till, on our +introduction at Court, it was remarked by the Queen, that I surpassed +the Count in shaking hands. 'Narcissini,' said her Majesty, 'has +judgment enough in knowing when to present a single finger, or perhaps +two; but, for the positive pressure, or the negligent hand with a +drooping wrist; or the cordial, honest, dislocating shake, give me +Montmorenci. I cannot deny that the former has great taste in this +accomplishment; but then the latter has more genius--more +execution--more, as it were, of the _magnifique_ and _aimable_.' + +'His mother the Marchesa overheard this critique, turned as pale as +ashes, and left the levee. + +'That night, hardly had I fallen into one of those gentle slumbers, +which ever attends the virtuous, when a sudden noise roused me; and on +opening my eyes, I beheld the detested Marchesa, with an Italian +assassin, standing over me.' + +'Montmorenci!' cried she, 'thou art the bane of my repose. Thou hast +surpassed my son in the graces. Now listen. Either pledge thyself, by +an irrevocable vow, henceforth to sprinkle thy conversation with +uncouth phrases, and colloquial barbarisms, or prepare to die!' + +'Terrible alternative! What could I do? The dagger gleamed before my +face. I shuddered, and took the fatal vow of vulgarity. + +'The Marchesa then put into my hand the Blackguard's Dictionary, which +I studied night and day with much success; and I have now the +misfortune to state, that I can be, so far as language goes, the +greatest blackguard in England.' + +'Unhappy youth!' cried I. 'This, indeed, accounts for what had often +made me uneasy. But say, can nothing absolve you from this hateful +vow?' + +'There is one way,' he replied. 'The Marchesa permitted me to resume my +natural elegance, as soon as my marrying should put an end to +competition between her son and me. Oh! then, my Cherubina, you, you +alone can restore me to hope, to happiness, and to grammar!' + +'Ah! my lord,' cried I, 'recollect my own fatal vow. Never, never can I +be your's!' + +'Drive me not mad!' he cried. 'You are mine, you shall be mine. This, +this is the bitterest moment of my life. You do not, cannot love me. +No, Cherubina, no, you cannot love me.' + +I fixed my eyes in a wild gaze, rose hastily from my chair, paced the +room with quick steps; and often sighing deeply, clasped my hands and +shuddered. + +He led me to the sofa, kissed the drapery of my cambric handkerchief, +and concealed his face in its folds. Then raising his head. + +'Do you love me?' said he, with a voice dropping manna. + +A smile, bashful in its archness, played round my rich and trembling +lip; and with an air of bewitching insinuation, I placed my hand on his +shoulder, shook my head, and looked up in his face, with an expression +half reproachful, half tender. + +He snatched me in a transport to his heart; and that trembling +pressure, which virtue consecrated, and love understood, conveyed to +each of us an unspeakable sensation; as if a beam from Heaven had +passed through both our frames, and left some of its divine warmth +behind it. + +What followed, angels might have attested. + +A ringlet had escaped from the bandage of my bodkin. He clipped it off +with my scissors, and fixed it next his heart; while I prettily +struggled to prevent him, with arch anger, and a pouting playfulness. A +thousand saucy triumphs were basking in his eyes, when the door opened, +and who should make his appearance, but--Master Bobby! + +I could have boxed him. + +'I avail myself,' said he, 'of the permission you gave me last night, +to call on you this morning.' + +Montmorenci looked from the one to the other with amazement. + +'And as I am anxious,' continued Stuart, 'to speak with you in +private----' + +'Sir,' said I, 'any thing which you have to communicate, this +gentleman, my particular friend, may hear.' + +'Yes, Sir,' cried his lordship, in a haughty tone, 'for I have the +honour to boast myself the protector of this lady.' + +'If you mean her protector from injury and insult,' said Stuart, 'I +hope, Sir, you are not on this occasion, as on others, an actor?' + +'You know me then?' said his lordship. + +'I saw you perform last night,' answered Stuart, 'but, to say the +truth, I do not recollect your name.' + +'My name is Norval on the Grampian Hills,' cried his lordship. + +'Sir,' said Stuart, 'though we sometimes laugh at you, even in your +grave characters, the part you have now chosen seems much too serious +for drollery. Allow me to ask, Sir, by what right you feel entitled to +call yourself the protector of this lady?' + +'First inform me,' said Montmorenci, 'by what right you feel entitled +to put that question?' + +'By the right of friendship,' answered Stuart. + +'No, but enmity,' cried I, 'unprovoked, unprincipled, inexorable +enmity. This is the Stuart whom you have often heard me mention, as my +persecutor; and I hope you will now make him repent of his temerity.' + +'Sir,' said his lordship, 'I desire you to leave the house.' + +'Not till you favour me with your company,' replied Stuart; 'for I find +I must have some serious conversation with you.' + +'Beshrew my heart!' cried Lord Altamont Mortimer Montmorenci, 'if you +want satisfaction, follow me this moment. I am none of your slovenly, +slobbering shots. Damme, I scorn to pistol a gentleman about the +ankles. I can teach the young idea how to shoot, damme.' + +He spoke, and strode out of the room. + +Stuart smiled and followed him. You must know, I speculate upon a duel. + +In short, my plot is entangling itself admirably; and such characters +as Betterton and Stuart will not fail to keep the wheels of it going. +Betterton is probably planning to carry me off by force; Stuart and our +hero are coming to a misunderstanding about me; the latter will, +perhaps, return with his arm in an interesting sling, and another +parting-forever interview cannot be far distant. + +Such is the promising aspect of affairs. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XV + + +While I was sitting in the most painful suspense, a knock came to the +door, and Stuart entered. + +'You terrify, shock, amaze me!' cried I. 'What dreadful blow awaits me? +Speak!' + +'Pray,' said he, laughing, 'what was your fancy for telling me that you +were ruined?' + +'And so I am,' answered I. + +'At least, not in the way you wished me to suppose,' said he. + +'I repeat, Sir,' cried I, 'that I am ruined: no matter in what manner; +but ruined I am.' + +'Your friend, the player, tells me that you are not,' said he. + +'My friend, the player, is very meddling,' answered I. 'This is the way +that whatever plot I lay down for my memoirs is always frustrated. Sir, +I say I am ruined.' + +'Well,' cried he, 'I will not dispute the point. I wish only to guard +you against being ruined again. I mistrust this Grundy much. From his +conversation, after we left you, I can perceive that he has a +matrimonial design upon you. Pray beware of the fellow.' + +'The fellow!' cried I. 'Alas! you know him not. His large and piercing +eye is but the index of a soul fraught with every human virtue.' + +'Ah! my friend,' said he, 'you stand on the very verge of a precipice, +and I must endeavour, even at the risk of your displeasure, to snatch +you from it.' + +He then began a long lecture on my conduct, and asserted that my +romantic turn is a sort of infatuation, amounting to little less than +madness, and likely to terminate in ruin. He painted, in language +pretty enough, the distraction of Wilkinson, after I had fled from his +house; and, at last, contrived to extract from me (what, I remark, I +can never obtain when I want them)--tears. + +Seeing me thus affected, he turned the conversation to desultory +topics. We talked of old times, of our juvenal sports and quarrels, +when we were playfellows; what happened after our separation; his life +at college and in the army; my studies and accomplishments. Thence we +made a natural transition to the fine arts. In short, it was the first +time in my life that I had a rational conversation (as it is called) +with a well-informed young man, and I confess I felt gratified. +Besides, even his serious remonstrances were so happily interspersed +with humour and delicate irony, that I could not bring myself to be +displeased with him. + +He remained more than two hours, and at parting took my hand. + +'I have hitherto been scolding you,' said he, with a smile, 'and I must +now praise you, that I may be better entitled to scold you again. You +have the elements of every thing amiable and endearing in your mind, +and an admirable understanding to direct them. But you want some one to +direct that understanding. Your father and I have already had a serious +consultation on the subject; but till he comes, nothing can be done. +Indeed, I am much alarmed at his absence. Meantime, will you permit me +to legislate in his stead, and to begin by chusing more eligible +lodgings for you. I confess I dread the machinations of that actor.' + +As he spoke, a rap came to the door. + +'Do me the favour to take tea with me this evening,' said I, 'and we +will talk the matter over.' + +He promised, and took his leave. + +Montmorenci then made his appearance, and in visible perturbation, at +having found Stuart here again. If I can constitute a jealousy between +them it will add to the animation of several scenes. I therefore +praised Stuart to the skies, and mentioned my having asked him to tea. +His lordship flew into a violent rage, and swore that the villain +wanted to unheroinize me, in order to gain me himself. He then renewed +his entreaties that I would consent to an immediate marriage; but now +the benefits of my fatal vow shone forth in their full lustre, and its +irrevocability gave rise to some of the finest agonies that his +lordship ever exhibited. + +At length we separated to dress for dinner. + +At my toilette I recollected with exactness every particular of his +late conversation; his sentiments so congenial with mine; his manners +so engaging; his countenance so noble and ingenuous. + +'I shall see him no more,' said I. + +A sigh that followed, told me more of my heart than I wished to know. + +No, my Biddy, never, never can he be mine. I must banish his dear image +from my mind; and to speak in the simple and unsophisticated language +of the heroine in the Forest of Montalbo: + +'_Indeed, surely, I think, we ought, under existing circumstances, +dearest, dearest madam, to avoid, where we can, every allusion, to +this, I fear, alas! our, indeed, hopeless attachment._' + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XVI + + +When Stuart came, he found his lordship, the landlady, the poet, and +myself sitting round the tea-table. At first the conversation was +general, and on the topics of the day. These Stuart discussed with much +animation and volubility, while his lordship sat silent and +contemptuous. I fancy that his illustrious tongue disdained to trifle. + +Meantime Higginson, in a new coat and waistcoat, sat anglicising the +Latinity of his face, and copying the manners and attitudes of +Montmorenci, whom the poor man, I verily believe, is endeavouring to +rival. At length the word poetry caught his ear; he gave the graces to +the winds, and listened. + +'Therefore,' continued Stuart to me, 'satirical poetry must be much +more useful than encomiastic.' + +'Sir,' said Higginson, drawing back his head and lowering his voice, as +if he dreaded nothing so much as being heard, 'I must beg leave, in all +humility, to coincide with your exprest proposition; but to suggest a +doubt whether it be decorous to violate the repose of noble blood.' + +'If the great deserve exposure as much as the mean,' said Stuart, +'their rank is rather a reason why they should be censured sooner; +because their bad example is more conspicuous, and, therefore, more +detrimental.' 'But,' said I, 'though satirizing the vicious may be +beneficial to the community, is it always advantageous to the +satirist?' + +'Johnson observes,' answered Stuart, 'that _it is no less a proof of +eminence to have many enemies than many friends_; and, indeed, without +the one we seldom have the other. On the whole, however, I would +advise a writer not to drop the olive-branch in grasping at the rod; +though those whom he finds privately endeavouring to vilify his own +character, self-defence entitles him to expose without mercy.' + +'That satire is salutary to society, I am convinced,' said I. 'It +becomes mischievous only when it is aimed at the worthy heart.' + +'And yet,' said Stuart, 'those that are loudest in declaiming against +the satirist, are often fondest of disseminating the satire. Now he who +slanders with his tongue, is just as culpable as he who defames with +his pen; for, if the one weapon be not as extensive, in its effects, as +the other, the motives of those who use it are equally vile. Hume, in +one of his essays, says, that _a whisper may fly as quick, and be as +pernicious, as a pamphlet_.' + +'And I think,' said I, 'that those who never allow people faults, are +just as injurious to the community as those who never allow them +virtues.' + +'True,' said Stuart; 'and a late publication (which equals in +sentiment, diction, and pictures of character, any work of the kind in +our language) thus concludes a description of them: _These, assuming +the name of Good-nature, say, that for their part, they wish to avoid +making enemies, and when they cannot speak well of people, they make it +a rule not to speak of them at all. Now this is an admirable system, +for thus, permitting vice, they sanction it, and by not opposing, +assist its progress._' + +'So you see,' said Higginson, 'that next to laws and religion, which +correct the serious derelictions, writing, which chastises the smaller +foibles, is the most useful instrument in a state.' + +'Observe,' whispered I to Stuart, 'how the ruling passion breaks +forth.' + +'And, therefore,' continued Higginson, 'next to the legislator and +divine, the poet is the most exalted member of the community.' + +'Pardon me there,' said I. 'The most exalted members are not +legislators, or divines, or poets, who prescribe, but heroes and +heroines, who perform.' + +'If you mean the heroes and heroines of romance,' said Stuart, 'their +performances are useful in teaching us what we should shun, not what we +should imitate. The heroine, in particular, quits a comfortable home, +turns out to be the best pedestrian in the world; and, after weeping +tears enough to float her work-basket, weds some captious, passionate, +and kneeling hero.' + +'Better,' cried I, 'than to remain a domesticated rosy little Miss, who +romps with the squire, plays an old tune on an old piano, and reads +prayers for the good family--servants and all. At last, marrying some +honest gentleman, who lives on his saddle, she degenerates into a +dangler of keys and whipper of children; trots up and down stairs, +educates the poultry, and superintends the architecture of pies.' + +'Now for my part,' said Stuart, 'I would have a young lady neither a +mere homely drudge, nor a sky-rocket heroine, let off into the clouds. +I would educate her heart and head, as well as her fingers and feet. +She should be at once the ornament of the social group, and the delight +of the domestic circle; abroad attractive, at home endearing; the +enchantress to whom levity would apply for mirth, and wisdom for +admonition; and her mirth should be graceful, and her admonition +fascinating. If she happened to be solitary, she should have the power +of contemplation, and if her needle broke, she should be capable of +finding resource in a book. In a word, she should present a proof, that +wit is not inconsistent with good-nature, nor liveliness with +good-sense, and that to make the virtues attractive, they ought to be +adorned with the graces.' + +'And pray, to whom would you marry this charmer?' asked his lordship, +winking at me. + +'Why,' replied he, 'when she wishes to settle in life, I would have her +consult her parents, and make a prudent match.' + +'A prudent match!' cried I. 'Just conceive--a prudent match! Oh, +Stuart, I declare I am quite ashamed of you.' + +''Pon honour,' said his lordship, 'you are too severe. I will bet five +to four he means well.' + +'No doubt,' said I. 'And to be candid, I think him a mighty good sort +of a man.' + +'A proper behaved young person,' said his lordship. + +'An honest _bon diable_!' added I. + +'A worthy soul!' said he. + +'A respectable character!' cried I. + +'A decent creature!' said he. + +'A humane and pious christian,' cried I. + +This last hit was irresistible, and both of us burst out laughing, +while Stuart sat silent, and even affected to smile. + +'Now is your time,' whispered I, to his lordship. 'A few more sarcasms, +and he crouches to you for ever.' + +'I fancy, young gentleman,' said his lordship, turning full upon +Stuart, and laughing so long, that I thought he would never finish the +sentence; 'I fancy, my tight fellow, you may now knock under.' + +'I am not always inclined to do so,' replied Stuart; 'neither am I +easily provoked to knock down.' + +'Knock down whom?' demanded his lordship, with the most complete frown +I had ever beheld. + +'A puppy,' said Stuart coolly. + +'You lie!' vociferated our hero. + +'Leave the room, Sir,' cried Stuart, starting from his seat. + +Montmorenci rose, retreated to the door;--stopped--went on--stopped +again--moved--stopped-- + +'Vanish!' cried Stuart, advancing. + +His lordship vanished. + +I ran, snatched a pen, and wrote on a scrap of paper + +'VINDICATE YOUR HONOUR, OR NEVER APPEAR IN MY PRESENCE!' + +I then rang the bell for the maid, and slipping some silver into her +hand, begged that she would deliver the paper to his lordship. + +Higginson then started from his chair. + +'After a deliberate consideration of the subject,' said he, 'I am more +and more convinced, that a poet is the first character in society.' + +During a whole hour, I remained in a state of the most distracting +suspense, for he never returned! Meantime, Stuart was privately +pressing me to leave my lodgings, and remain at his father's, till +Wilkinson should be found. Indignant at the cowardly conduct of his +lordship, I was almost consenting; when on a sudden, the door flew +open, and with a slow step and dignified deportment, Lord Altamont +Mortimer Montmorenci entered. All eyes were rivetted on him. He walked +towards Stuart, and fell upon one knee before him: + +'I come, Sir,' said he, 'to retract that abuse which I gave you just +now. I submit to whatever punishment you please; nor shall I think my +honour re-established till my fault is repaired. Then grant me the +pardon that I beg, on whatever conditions you think proper.' + +'For shame!' exclaimed I, with an indignation that I could not +suppress. 'You a hero?' + +His lordship instantly snatched a book from his pocket, and opening a +passage, presented it to me. The book was _La Nouvelle Heloise_. + +'You see there,' said he, 'how Lord B., after having given St. Preux +the lie, begs forgiveness on his knees, and in the precise words which +I have just used. Will Cherubina condemn the conduct that Heloise +applauded?' + +'Ever excellent, ever exalted mortal!' cried I. 'O thou art indeed all +that is just, dignified, magnanimous.' + +I gave him my hand, and he bowed over it. Supper was announced. Mirth +ruled the night. The landlady sat gazing on his lordship; his lordship +on me. Stuart uttered a thousand witticisms; and even the poet +determined to be heard; for, in the midst of our merriment, I saw him, +with his mouth open, and his neck stretched forward, watching for the +first moment of silence. It came. + + 'This is the fun, + Equalled by none; + So never, never, never have done!' + +cried the happy creature, and protruded such an exorbitant laugh as +made ample amends for the gravity of his whole life. + +At length Stuart took leave; and the rest of us separated to our +several apartments. + +That coxcomb, I see, has no notion of sentiment, and no taste for +admiring those who have. There he sits, calm, unconcerned, and never +once fixes his eyes on me with a speaking gaze. Oh, no; nothing but wit +or wisdom for him. Not only is the fellow far from a pathetic turn +himself, but he has also an odd faculty of detaching even me from my +miseries, and of reducing me to horrid hilarity. It would vex a saint +to see how he makes me laugh, though I am predetermined not to give him +a single smile. But Montmorenci, the sentimental Montmorenci, timely +interposes the fine melancholy of his features;--he looks, he sighs, he +speaks; and in a moment I am recalled to the soft emotions, and a due +sense of my deplorable destiny. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XVII + + +Clouds are impending, and I know not whether they will clash together, +and elicit lightning, or mingle into one, and descend in refreshing +showers. + +This morning, Montmorenci, the hostess, and myself, breakfasted early, +and then went shopping. I purchased a charming scarf, a bonnet, two +dresses, a diamond cross, and a pair of pearl ear-rings. His lordship +borrowed a guinea from me, and then bought a small casket, which he +presented to me in the handsomest manner. + +We next visited Westminster Abbey; the first that I have ever seen, +though I had read of thousands. To my great disappointment, I found in +it no cowled monks with scapulars, and no veiled nuns with rosaries. +Nothing but statues of statesmen and warriors, in stone wigs and marble +regimentals. + +Soon after we had returned home, Higginson entered my room, stealing, +and with a look of terror. + +'My mother presents her respectful compliments,' said he in a whisper, +'and begs you will honour her with your presence, that she may do +herself the pleasure of saving you from destruction.' + +'Tell me,' said I, with a look that pierced into his soul, 'which +character do _you_ mean to support on this occasion? that of my +friend, or of an accomplice in the plot against me?' + +Higginson looked aghast. + +'As to your being a principal,' continued I, 'that is not likely; but I +must ascertain if your object is to be--excuse me--an understrapping +ruffian. Never fear, speak your mind candidly.' + +'And I was writing verses on you all the morning, and it was for you +that I clipped my eyebrows, and it was for you that I--dear me, dear +me!' cried the poor man, and began whimpering like a child. + +'Nay,' said I, 'if it is not your taste, that is another affair; but +though I cannot countenance you as a villain, I will at least respect +you as an honest man. I will, I assure you; so now lead me to your +mother.' + +We proceeded up stairs, and entered a garret; where his mother, a +corpulent old lady, was lying in a fit of the gout. + +Higginson having introduced us: 'Miss,' said she, 'I sent for you to +tell you that I have just overheard your hostess, and an old gentleman +(Betterton, I think she called him), planning something against you. +They were in the next room, and thought I could not hear; but this I +know, that he offered her fifty pounds, if she would assist him in +obtaining you. And so, Miss, from all my son says of you, and sure +enough he raves of you like mad, I thought you would wish to be saved +from ruin.' + +'Certainly, Madam,' answered I. 'At the same time, I must beg +permission to remark, that you have destroyed half the interest of this +intrigue against me, by forewarning me of it.' + +'May be so, Miss,' said she. 'I have done my duty as a Christian, +however.' + +'Nay,' said I, 'do not suppose I resent your conduct, old lady. I am +sure you meant all for the best, and I sincerely wish you health and +happiness. Farewell.' + +On returning to my room, I found Betterton there before me. He came to +request that I would accept of a ticket for the masquerade, at the +Pantheon: and he gave another to the landlady; who, he said, must +accompany me thither: so 'tis clear that he means to decoy me from it. +Unhappy girl! But how can I refuse going? A heroine, you know, never +misses a masquerade: it is always the scene of her best adventure; and +to say the truth, I cannot resist the temptation of so delightful an +amusement. Now to consult about my character. + + + + +LETTER XVIII + + +At dinner, yesterday, I bespoke his lordship as an escort to the +masquerade; and we then held a council of dress. It was resolved, that +I should appear in the character of Sterne's Maria, and his lordship as +Corporal Trim. + +This morning, just as I had finished reading the closet-scene, in the +Children of the Abbey, Betterton and the landlady came into my room; +and in a short time, I perceived the purport of their visit; as they +began requesting that I would not take either Stuart or Montmorenci +with me to the masquerade. + +'The fact is, Miss,' said the landlady, 'that I have heard your real +story. Mr. Grundy is not your cousin at all, and your name is +Wilkinson, not Donald. Howsomever, as I believe you meant no harm, in +this deception, I am willing, at the solicitations of this excellent +gentleman, to let you remain in my house, provided you promise not to +receive any more visits from that Stuart, who is the greatest villain +unhanged; or from Mr. Grundy, who has certainly bad designs on you; +though he made proposals of marriage to myself, no longer ago than +yesterday.' + +A tapping at my door prevented me from expressing my total disbelief in +her latter assertion. It struck me that should the person prove to be +his lordship, I might make her look extremely foolish, by letting her +overhear his declarations of attachment to me. 'Conceal yourselves in +this closet,' whispered I to my visitors. 'I have particular reasons.' +They looked at each other, and hesitated. + +'In, in!' said I; 'for I suspect that this visit is from a villain, and +I wish you to hear what passes.' + +Both then went into the closet. I opened the door of my chamber, and, +to my great disappointment, the poet appeared at it, with his eyes +rolling, and his mouth ajar. + +'What is the matter?' asked I. + +He gaped still wider, but said nothing. + +'Ah,' cried I, 'that is an awkward attempt at expressing horror. If you +have any hideous news to communicate, why do you not rush into the +room, tossing your hands on high, and exclaiming, "Fly, fair lady, all +is lost!"' + +'Indeed, Miss,' said he, 'I was never in the way of learning good +breeding. But don't go to the masquerade, Miss, Oh, don't! My mother +overheard old Betterton just now planning with the landlady, to carry +you from it by force. But, Miss, I have a fine sword, above stairs, +three feet and a half long, and I will rub off the rust, and----' + +A knock at the street-door interrupted him. I was in a hiding mood. +Already the scene promised wonders; and I resolved not to damp its +rising spirit; so made the simple Higginson get underneath the sofa. + +The next moment my door opened, and Vixen, Montmorenci's terrier, came +bounding towards me. + +'Go, dear Vixen,' cried I, snatching her to my bosom; 'carry back to +your master all that nourishes his remembrance. Go, dear Vixen, guard +him by night, and accompany him by day, serve him with zeal, and love +him with fidelity!' + +I turned round, and perceived--Montmorenci! The poor timid girl bent +her eyes to the ground. + +'Yes, dear Vixen,' said he, 'you have now indeed a claim to my regard; +and with the fondest gratitude will I cherish you!' + +He then flew to me, and poured forth, at my feet, the most passionate +acknowledgments, and tender protestations. + +I tried to break from him. + +'No, loveliest Cherubina!' said he, detaining me. 'Not thus must we +part.' + +'We must part for ever!' exclaimed I. 'After that rash soliloquy which +you have just heard, never can I bear you in my sight. Besides, Sir, +you are betrothed, at this moment, to another.' + +'I? Ridiculous! But to whom?' + +'Our hostess--a most charming woman.' + +'Our hostess! Yes, a charming woman indeed. She has roses in her cheek, +and lilies in her skin; but they are white roses, and orange lilies. +Our hostess! Beshrew my heart, I would let cobwebs grow on my lips +before I would kiss her.' + +Another knock came to the door. + +'Me miserable!' exclaimed I. 'If this be the person I suspect, we are +both undone--separated for ever!' + +'Who? what? where shall I hide?' cried his lordship. + +'Yon dark closet,' said I, pointing. 'Fly.' + +His lordship sprang into the closet, and closed the door. + +'I can hear no tidings of your father,' said Stuart, entering the room. +'I have searched every hotel in Town, and I really fear that some +accident----' + +'Mercy upon me! who's here?' cried his lordship from the closet. 'As I +hope to be saved, the place is full of people. Let me go; whoever the +devil you are, let me go!' + +'Take that--and that--and that:--you poor, pitiful, fortune-hunting +play-actor!' vociferated the landlady, buffetting him about. + +That unhappy young nobleman bolted from the closet, with his face +running blood, and the landlady fast at his heels. + +'Yes, you dog!' exclaimed she; 'I have discovered your treacherousness +at last. As for your love-letters and trinkets, to me, villain--I never +valued 'em a pin's point; but that you should go for to try to ruin +this sweet innocent young creature, that is what distresses me, so it +is.' And she burst out crying. + +'Love-letters and trinkets to you!' exclaimed I. 'Surely he was not so +base, Madam.' + +'But he was so base, Madam,' said she with a bitter look; 'and if you +fancy that 'tis yourself he loves, why look there; read the letter he +sent me yesterday, just after I had asked him to pay me for six months' +diet and lodging.' + +I read: + + 'Accept, my lovely hostess, the pair of bracelets which accompanies + this note, and rest assured that I will discharge my bill, in the + course of another month. + + 'My motive for having brought Miss Wilkinson into your house, as my + cousin, was simply to restore her to her friends. Your jealousy, + though most unfounded, is most flattering. + + 'Ah, how little do you know your Grundy!--If I pay the silly girl a + few slight attentions, it is only to cloak that tenderness for you, + which preys upon my heart, and consumes my vitals;--that + tenderness, which I yesterday so solemnly vowed to evince (as soon + as my affairs are arranged) at the altar. + + 'Your own, own, own, + + 'ABRAHAM GRUNDY.' + +It was as much as my dignity could do to suppress my indignation at +this letter; but the heroine prevailed, and I cast on his lordship my +famous compound expression of pity, contempt, and surprise, which I +tinged with just fascination enough to remind him of what a jewel he +had lost. + +Meantime he stood wiping his face, and did not utter a word. + +'And now,' cried I, 'now for the grand developement. James Higginson, +come forth!' + +In a moment the poet was seen, creeping, like a huge tortoise, from +under the sofa. + +'Mr. Higginson,' said I, 'did not your mother tell you, that this lady +here--this amiable lady,' (and I curtsied low to her, and she curtsied +still lower to me), 'that this first and best of women,' (and again we +exchanged rival curtsies), 'is plotting with a Mr. Betterton to betray +me into his hands at the masquerade?' + +'Madam,' answered the poet, with a firm demeanour, 'I do solemnly +certify and asseverate, that so my mother told me.' + +'Then your mother told a confounded falsehood!' cried Betterton, +popping out of the closet. + +Higginson walked up to him, and knocked him down with the greatest +gravity imaginable. The hostess ran at Higginson, and fastened her +fangs in his face. Montmorenci laid hold of the hostess, and off came +her cap. Stuart dropped into a chair with laughter. I too forgot all my +dignity, and clapped my hands, and danced with delight, while they +kicked and scratched each other without mercy. + +At length Stuart interfered, and separated the combatants. The landlady +retired to repair her dismantled head; and his lordship and Higginson +to wash their wounds. Betterton too was about to take his departure. + +'Sir,' said Stuart, 'I must beg leave to detain you for a few moments.' + +Betterton bowed and returned. + +'Your name is Betterton, I believe.' + +'It is, Sir.' + +'After Mr. Higginson's accusation of you,' said Stuart, 'I feel myself +called upon, as the friend of this lady's father, to insist on your +apologizing for the designs which you have dared to harbour against +her; and to demand an unequivocal renunciation of those views for the +future.' + +'You are an honest fellow,' said Betterton, 'and I respect your spirit. +Most sincerely, most humbly, Miss Wilkinson, do I solicit your +forgiveness; and I beg you will believe, that nothing but a +misrepresentation of your real character and history tempted me to +treat you with such undeserved insult. I now declare, that you have +nothing further to fear from me.' + +'But before I can feel perfectly satisfied,' said Stuart, 'I must +stipulate for the discontinuance of your visits to Miss Wilkinson, as a +proof that you have relinquished all improper projects against her.' + +'I had formed that resolution before you spoke,' answered Betterton, +'though many a bitter pang it will cost me. Now then we are all +friends. I may have my faults, but upon my soul, I am a man of +honour;--I am, upon my soul. As for you, Mr. Stuart, without flattery, +you have evinced more discretion and coolness, throughout this affair, +than I have ever seen in so young a man. Sir, you are an honour to the +human race, and I wish you would dine with me this evening at the Crown +and Anchor. Some friends of us meet there to discuss a radical reform. +Do, my dear fellow. We want nothing but men of respectability like you; +for our sentiments "are the finest in the world."' + +'You will excuse me,' said Stuart, 'though I am told that your wines +are as fine and as foreign as your sentiments.' + +'Well, adieu, good people,' said Betterton. 'Think of me with kindness. +Faults I may have, but my heart----' (tapping at it with his +forefinger), 'all is right here.' + +After he had left us, I reprimanded Stuart so severely, for his +officiousness in having interfered about Betterton, that he went away +quite offended; and, I much fear, will never return. If he does not, he +will use me basely, to leave me here in this unprotected state, after +all his anxieties about me--anxieties too, which (I cannot tell why) +have pleased me beyond expression. I confess, I feel a regard for the +man, and should be sorry to have hurt his feelings seriously. Would Sir +Charles Bingley have deserted me so, I ask? No. But Stuart has no +notion of being a plain, useful, unsuccessful lover, like him. Well, I +must say, I hate to see a man more ready to fall out with one, than to +fall in love with one. + +But Montmorenci--what shall I say of him? How can he possibly exculpate +himself from his treacherous intrigue with the landlady? I confess I am +predisposed to credit any feasible excuse which he can assign, rather +than find myself deceived, outrivalled, and deprived of a lover, not +alone dear to me, but indispensible to the progress of my memoirs. + +Then, that closet-scene, from which I had a right to expect the true +pathetic, what a bear-garden it became! In short, I feel at this moment +disgusted with the world. I half wish I were at home again. Now too, +that Stuart has reminded me of our early days, I cannot avoid sometimes +picturing to myself the familiar fireside, the walks, frolics, +occupations of our childhood; and well I remember how he used to humour +my whims. Oh, these times are past, and now he opposes me in every +thing. + +But whither am I wandering? Pardon these vulgar sentiments. They have +escaped my pen. You know that a mere home is my horror. Forgive them. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XIX + + +Determined to support my dignity, I dined alone in my room, after the +closet-scene; and during this evening, letters of the most +heart-rending nature passed between his lordship and me. + +To be brief, he has convinced me, that the letter written in his name, +to the landlady, was a FORGERY of her own. The circumventing wretch! I +am of opinion, that it ought to be made a hanging matter. + +The following is an extract from his and my correspondence. After a +most satisfactory disquisition on the various circumstances tending to +prove the forgery, he writes thus: + + * * * * * + +'I have begun twenty letters to you, and have torn them all. I write to +you on my knees, and the paper is blistered with my tears; but I have +dried it with my sighs. + +'Sun, moon, and stars may rise and set as they will. I know not whether +it be day, or whether it be night. + +'When the girl came with your last note, the idea that your eyes had +just been dwelling on her features, on her cap, ribbon, and apron, made +her and them so interesting, so dear to me, that, though her features +are snubbed, her cap tattered, her ribbon bottle-green (which I hate), +and her apron dirty, I should certainly have taken her in my arms, if I +had not been the most bashful of men. + +'Though that note stung me to the heart, the words were hosts of angels +to me, and the small paper the interminable regions of bliss. Any thing +from you! + +'How my heart beats, and my blood boils in my veins, when by chance our +feet meet under the table. The diapason of my heart-strings vibrates to +the touch. How often I call to mind the sweet reproof you once gave me +at dinner, when I trod on your toe in a transport of passion. + +'"If you love me, tell me so," said you, smiling; "but do not hurt my +foot." + +'Another little incident is always recurring to me. As we parted from +each other, the night before last, you held out your hand and said, +"Good-night, my dear Montmorenci." It was the first time you had ever +called me _dear_. The sound sank deep into my heart. I have repeated +it a hundred times since, and when I went to bed, I said, good night, +my dear Montmorenci. I recollected myself and laughed. The fatal kiss +that I once dared to snatch from you has undone me for ever. The +moisture on your lip was like a suppuration of rubies. O immortal +remembrance of that illusive, frantic, and enchanting moment!' + + BILLET FROM CHERUBINA. + + He who could be capable of the letter, could be capable of calling + it a forgery. + + BILLET FROM MONTMORENCI. + + Misery with you, were better than happiness without you. + + BILLET FROM CHERUBINA. + + Hatred and certainty were better than love and suspicion. + + BILLET FROM MONTMORENCI. + + Love is heaven and heaven is love. + + BILLET FROM CHERUBINA. + + If heaven be love, I fear that heaven is not eternal. + + BILLET FROM MONTMORENCI. + + If my mind be kept in suspense, my body shall be suspended too. + + BILLET FROM CHERUBINA. + + Foolish youth! If my life be dear to thee, attempt not thine own. + + BILLET FROM MONTMORENCI. + + It were easier to kill myself than to fly from Cherubina. + + BILLET FROM CHERUBINA. + + LIVE. I restore you to favour. + + BILLET FROM MONTMORENCI. + + Angelic girl! But how can I live without the means? My landlady + threatens me with an arrest. Heloise lent money to St. Preux. + + BILLET FROM CHERUBINA. + + In enclosing to you half of all I have, I feel, alas! that I am but + half as liberal of my purse as of my heart. + + BILLET FROM MONTMORENCI. + + I promise to pay Lady Cherubina de Willoughby, or order, on demand, + the sum of twenty-five pounds sterling, value received. + + MONTMORENCI. + +In a few minutes after I had received this last billet, his lordship +came in person to perfect the reconciliation. Never was so tender, so +excruciating a scene. + +We then consulted about the masquerade; and he brought me down his +dress for it. The Montero cap and tarnished regimentals (which he +procured at the theatre) are admirable. + +Soon after his departure, a letter was brought to me by the maid; who +said, that a tall man, wrapped in a dark cloak, put it into her hand, +and then fled with great swiftness. + +Conceive my sensations on reading this note, written in an antiquated +hand. + + _To Lady Cherubina de Willoughby. + + These, greeting. + + Most fayre Ladie + + An aunciente and loyall Vassall that erewhyles appertained unto + yre ryhgte noble Auncestrie, in ye qualitie of Seneschal, hath, + by chaunce, discovred yer place of hiding, and doth crave ye boon + that you will not fayle to goe unto ye Masquerade at ye Pantheon; + where, anon he will joyn you, and unravell divers mysterys + touching your pedigree. + + Lette nonne disswaid you from to goe, and eke lette nonne, save a + Matron, goe with you; els I dare not holde parle with you. + + Myne honoured Ladie, if you heede not this counsell, you will work + yourselfe woefull ruth._ + +Judge if I can sleep a wink after such a mysterious communication. +Excellent old man! I mean to make him my steward. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XX + + +I believe I mentioned, in a former letter, that my bed-chamber was on +the ground floor, and looking into the yard at the back of the house. +Soon after I went to bed, last night, I heard a whispering and rustling +outside of the window, and while I was awaiting with anxiety the +result, sleep surprised me. + +I awoke earlier, as I thought, than usual, this morning; for not a ray +penetrated my curtainless window. I then tried to compose myself to +sleep again, but in vain; so there I lay turning and tumbling about, +for eight or nine hours, at the very least. At last I became alarmed. +What can be the matter? thought I. Is the sun quenched or eclipsed? or +has the globe ceased rolling? or am I struck stone blind? + +In the midst of my conjectures, a sudden cry of fire! fire! +reverberated through the house. I sprang out of bed, and huddled on me +whatever cloaths came to hand. I then groped for my casket of jewels, +and having secured it, rushed into the outer room, where my eyes were +instantly dazzled by the sudden glare of light. + +However, I had presence of mind enough to snatch up Corporal Trim's +coat, which still remained on a chair; and to slip it on me. For, in +the first place, I had no gown underneath; and in the next, I +recollected, that Harriot Byron, at a moment of distress, went wild +about the country, in masquerade. + +Hurrying into the hall, I saw the street door wide open, Stuart and +Montmorenci struggling with each other near it, the landlady dragging a +trunk down stairs, and looking like the ghost of a mad housemaid; and +the poet just behind her, with his corpulent mother, bed and all, upon +his back; while she kept exclaiming, that we should all be in heaven in +five minutes, and he crying out, Heaven forbid! Heaven forbid! + +I darted past Stuart, just as he had got Montmorenci down; thence out +of the house, and had fled twenty paces, before I discovered, that, so +far from being night, it was broad, bright, incontrovertible day! + +I had no time to reflect on this mystery, as I heard steps pursuing me, +and my name called. I fled the faster, for I dreaded I knew not what. +The portentous darkness of my room, the false alarm of fire, all +betokened some diabolical conspiracy against my life; so I rushed along +the street, to the horror and astonishment of all who saw me. For +conceive me drest in a long-skirted, red coat, stiff with tarnished +lace; a satin petticoat, satin shoes, no stockings, and my flaxen hair +streaming like a meteor behind me! + +Stop her, stop her! was now shouted on all sides. Hundreds seemed in +pursuit. Panting and almost exhausted, I still continued my flight. +They gained on me. What should I do? I saw the door of a carriage just +opened, and two ladies, dressed for dinner, stepping into it. I sprang +in after them, crying, save me, save me! The footman endeavoured to +drag me out; the mob gathered round shouting; the horses took fright, +and set off in full gallop; I, meantime, on one knee, with my meek eyes +raised, and my hands folded across my bosom, awaited my fate; while the +ladies gazed on me in dismay, and supported one unbroken scream. + +At last, the carriage dashed against a post, and was upset. Several +persons ran forward, and, I being uppermost, took me out the first. +Again I began running, and again a mob was at my heels. I felt certain +they would tear me in pieces. My head became bewildered; and all the +horrid sights I had ever read of rose in array before me. Bacchantes, +animated with Orphean fury, slinging their serpents in the air, and +uttering dithyrambics, appeared to surround me on every side. On I +flew. Knock it down! cried several voices. + +A footman was just entering a house. I rushed past him, and into a +parlour, where a large party were sitting at dinner. + +Save me! exclaimed I, and sank on my knees before them. All +arose:--some, in springing to seize me, fell; and others began dragging +me away. I grasped the table-cloth, in my confusion, and the next +instant, the whole dinner was strewn about the floor. Those who had +fallen down, rose in piteous plight; one bathed in soup, another +crowned with vegetables, and the face of a third all over harico. + +They held me fast, and questioned me; then called me mad, and turned me +into the street. The mob were still waiting for me there, and they +cheered me as I came out; so seeing a shop at hand, I darted through +it, and ran up stairs, into the drawing-room. + +There I found a mother in the cruel act of whipping her child. Ever a +victim to thrilling sensibility, I snatched the rod from her hand; she +shrieked and alarmed the house; and again I was turned out of doors. +Again, my friend the mob received me with a shout; again I took to +flight; rushed through another shop, was turned out--through another, +was turned out. In short, I threaded a dozen different houses, and +witnessed a dozen different domestic scenes. In this, they were +singing, in that scolding:--here, I caught an old man kissing the maid, +there, I found a young man reading the Bible. Entering another, I heard +ladies laughing and dancing in the drawing-room. I hurried past them to +the garrets, and saw their aged servant dying. + +Shocked by the sight, I paused at his half-opened door. Not a soul was +in the room with him; and vials and basons strewed the table. + +'Is that my daughter?' said he feebly. 'Will no one go for my daughter? +To desert me thus, after first breaking my heart! Well then, I will +find her out myself.' + +He made a sudden effort to rise, but it was fatal. His head and arms +dropped down motionless, and hung out of the bed. He gave a hollow sob, +and expired. + +Horrorstruck, I rushed into an adjoining garret, and burst into tears. +I felt guilty of I knew not what; and the picture of Wilkinson, dying +in the madhouse, and calling on his daughter, shot across me for a +moment. + +The noise of people searching the rooms below, and ascending the +stairs, put an end to my disagreeable reflections; and I thought but of +escape. Running to the window of the garret, I found that it opened +upon the roof of a neighbouring house; and recollecting that robbers +often escape by similar means, I sprang out of the window, closed it +after me, and ran along a whole row of roofs. + +At last I came to a house higher than the rest, with a small window, +similar to that by which I had just got out, and happily lying open. On +looking into the garret, I found that nobody was there, so I scrambled +into it, and fastened the window after me. A servant's bed, a chair, a +table, and an immense chest, constituted all the furniture. The chest +had nothing but a little linen in it; and I determined to make it my +place of refuge, in case of an alarm. + +Having sat a few minutes, to compose my spirits, after the shock they +had just experienced, I resolved on exploring the several apartments; +for I felt a secret presentiment that this house was, some way or +other, connected with my fate--a most natural idea. + +I first traversed the garrets, but found nothing in them worthy of +horror; so I stole, with cautious steps, down the first flight of +stairs, and found the door of the front room open. Hearing no noise +inside, I ventured to put in my head, and perceived a large table, with +lighted candles on it, and covered over with half-finished dresses of +various descriptions, besides bonnets, feathers, caps, and ribbons in +profusion; whence I concluded that the people of the house were +milliners. + +Here I sat some time, admiring the dresses, and trying at a mirror how +the caps became me, till I was interrupted by steps on the stairs. I +ran behind a window-curtain; and immediately three young milliners came +into the room. + +They sat down at the table, and began working. + +'I wonder,' said one, 'whether our lodger has returned from dinner.' + +'What a sly eye the fellow casts at me,' says another. + +'And how he smiles at me,' says the first. + +'And how he teases me about my being pretty,' says the second. + +'And me too,' says the first; 'and he presses my hand into the +bargain.' + +'Presses!' says the second; 'why, he _squeezes_ mine; and just think, +he tries to kiss me too.' + +'I know,' says the third, who was the only pretty girl of the three, +'that he never lays a finger on me, nor speaks a word to me, good or +bad--never: and yesterday he lent me the Mysteries of Udolpho with a +very bad grace; and when I told him that I wanted it to copy the +description of the Tuscan girl's dress, as a lady had ordered me to +make up a dress like it, for the masquerade to-night, he handed me the +book, and said, that if I went there myself, the people would take my +face for a mask.' + +Judge of my horror, when I recollected, that this was, indeed, the +night of the masquerade; and that I was pent behind a curtain, without +even a dress for it! + +That Tuscan costume, thought I, would just answer. Perhaps I could +purchase it from the milliner. Perhaps---- But in the midst of my +perhaps's, the first and second milliner set off with some Indian +robes, which they had finished for the masquerade, while the pretty one +still remained to complete the Tuscan dress. + +While I was just resolving to issue from my retreat, and persuade her +to sell me the dress, I heard a step stealing up the stairs; and +presently perceived a young gentleman peeping into the room. He nodded +familiarly to the milliner; and said, in a whisper, that he had seen +her companions depart, and was now come to know how soon she would go, +that he might meet her at their old corner. She replied, that she would +soon be ready; and he then stole back again. + +I had now no time to lose in accomplishing my plan, so I drew aside the +curtain, and stood, in a commanding attitude before her. + +The poor girl looked up, started, made a miserable imitation of the +heroic scream, and ran down stairs. + +I ran after her, as far as the landing-place; and on looking over the +balusters, into the hall, I saw the young man who had just been with +her, listening to her account of the transaction. 'I will call the +watch,' said she, 'and do you keep guard at the door.' + +She then hastened into the street, and he stood in such a manner, that +it was impossible for me to pass him. + +'What is the matter?' cried the mistress of the house, coming out of +the parlour. + +'A mad woman that is above stairs,' answered the young man. 'Miss Jane +has just seen her; dressed half like a man, half like a woman, and with +hair down to the ground!' + +'What is all this?' cried a maid, running out of the kitchen. + +'Oh! Molly,' said the mistress, 'Miss Jane is just frightened to death +by a monster above stairs, half man, half woman, and all over covered +with hair!' + +Another servant now made her appearance. + +'Oh! Betty,' cried Molly, 'Miss Jane is just killed by a huge monster +above stairs, half man, half beast, all over covered with black hair, +and I don't know what other devilments besides!' + +'I will run and drive it down,' cried Betty, and began ascending the +stairs. Whither could I hide? I luckily recollected the large chest; so +I flew up to the garret. It was now quite dark; but I found the chest, +sprang into it, and having closed the lid, flung some of the linen over +me. I then heard the girl enter the next room, and in a few moments, +she came into mine, with another person. + +'Here is the trunk, Tom,' said she, 'and I must lock it on you till the +search is over. You see, Tom, what risks I am running on your account; +for there is Miss Jane, killed by it, and lying in bits, all about the +floor.' + +The man had now jumped into the chest; the girl locked it in an +instant, took out the key, and ran down. + +Almost prest to death, I made a sudden effort to get from under him. + +'What's this! Oh! mercy, what's this?' cried he, feeling about. + +I gathered myself up; but did not speak. + +'Help!' vociferated he. ''Tis the monster--here is the hair! help, +help!' + +'Hush!' said I, 'or you will betray both of us. I am no monster, but a +woman.' + +'Wasn't? it you that murdered the milliner?' said he, still trembling. + +'No, really,' replied I, 'but now not a word; for I hear people +coming.' + +As I spoke, several persons entered the room. We lay still. They +searched about; and one of them, approaching the chest, tried to lift +the lid. + +'That is locked this month past,' said the voice of the maid who had +hidden the man in it, 'so you need not look there.' + +They then searched the remaining garrets; and I heard them say, as they +were going down stairs, that I must have jumped out of a window. + +'And now, Madam,' said the man, 'will you have the goodness to tell me +who you are?' + +'A young and innocent maiden,' answered I, 'who, flying from my +persecutors, took refuge here.' + +'Young and innocent!' cried he, 'good ingredients, faith. Come then, my +dear; I will protect you.' + +So saying, he caught me round the waist, and attempted to kiss me. + +I begged, reasoned, menaced--all would not do. I had read of a heroine, +whose virtue was saved by a timely brain-fever; so, as I could not +command one at that instant, I determined on affecting one. + +'I murdered her famously!' exclaimed I; and then commenced singing and +moaning by turns. + +He stopped, and lay quiet, as if uncertain what to make of me. I +scratched the chest with my nails, and laughed, and shrieked. He began +to mutter curses and prayers with great rapidity; till, as I was +gabbling over the finest passage in Ossian, 'Oh! merciful!' ejaculated +he, rolling himself into a ball; ''tis a Bedlamite broke loose!' + +By this time, between my terror, and the heat of the chest, I was +gasping for breath; and my companion appeared on the very point of +suffocation; when, at this critical juncture, some one fortunately came +into the room. The man called for help, the chest was unlocked, opened; +and the maid with a candle appeared before us. + +The man darted out like an arrow; she remained motionless with +astonishment at seeing me, while I lay there, almost exhausted; though, +as usual, not worth a swoon. I do believe, that the five fingers I am +writing with would leave me, sooner than my five senses. + +'She has confessed to the murder!' cried the man; while the maid held +by his arm, and shrunk back, as I rose from the chest with an air of +dignity. + +'Be not frightened, my friends,' said I smiling, 'for I assure you that +I am no murderess; and that the milliner is alive and well, at this +moment. Is she not, young woman?' + +'Yes, sure,' answered she, somewhat recovering from her terror. + +'How I came into this extraordinary situation,' continued I, 'it were +needless to relate; but I must have your assistance to get out of it. +If you, my good girl, will supply me with a decent gown, bonnet, and +pair of stockings, I will promise not to tell the family that you had a +lover secreted in the house, and I will give you two guineas for your +kindness.' + +So saying, I took the casket from the pocket of my regimental coat, and +displayed the jewels and money that were in it. + +'Mercy me!' cried the maid; 'how could they dare for to say that so +rich a lady murdered the girl?' + +'Ay, or so handsome a lady,' added the man, bowing. + +In a word, after some explanations and compliments, I gave the maid +four guineas, and the man the regimental coat; and was supplied with a +gown, bonnet, and pair of stockings. + +As soon as I had dressed myself, we determined that I should steal down +stairs, and out of the house; and that, if discovered in my passage, I +should not betray the maid. + +Accordingly, with much trepidation, I began to descend the stairs. Not +a soul seemed stirring. But as I passed by the milliner's room, I +perceived the door half open, and heard some one humming a tune inside. +I peeped through the chink, and saw the pretty milliner again seated +there, and still busied about the Tuscan dress. I resolved to make +another effort for it; and as I had gained my point with the maid, by +having discovered her intrigue, it struck me that I might succeed with +the milliner in a similar manner. + +I therefore glided into the room, and seated myself just opposite to +her. + +'Your business, Ma'am?' said she, looking surprised. + +'To purchase that dress,' answered I. + +''Tis already purchased,' said she. + +'Do you remember the mad woman with the long hair?' said I, as I took +off my bonnet, and let down my tresses, with all the grandeur of virtue +victorious over vice. + +She started and turned pale. + +'You are the very person, I believe,' faltered she. 'What upon earth +shall I do?' + +'Do?' cried I. 'Why, sell me the Tuscan dress of course. The fact +is--but let it go no farther--I am a heroine; I am, I give you my word +and honour. So, you know, the lady being wronged of the dress, +(inasmuch as she is but an individual), is as nothing compared with the +wrong that the community will sustain, if they lose the pleasure of +finding that I get it from you. Sure the whole scene, since I came to +this house, was contrived for the express purpose of my procuring that +individual costume; and just conceive what pretty confusion must take +place, if, after all, you prevent me! My dear girl, we must do poetical +justice. We must not disappoint the reader. + +'You will tell me, perhaps, that selling the dress is improper? +Granted. But, recollect, what improper things are constantly done, in +novels, to bring about a pre-determined event. Your amour with the +gentleman, for instance; which I shall certainly tell your employer, if +you refuse to sell me the dress. + +'As you value your own peace of mind, therefore, and in the name of all +that is just, generous, and honourable, I conjure you to reflect for a +moment, and you must see the matter in its rational light. What can you +answer to these arguments?' + +'That the person who could use them,' said she, 'will never listen to +reason. I see what is the matter with you, and that I have no resource +but to humour you, or be ruined.' And she began crying. + +To conclude, after a little farther persuasion, I got the dress, gave +her ten guineas, and, tripping down stairs, effected a safe escape out +of the house. + +I then called a coach, and drove to Jerry Sullivan's; for I would not +return to my lodgings, lest the conspirators there should prevent me +from going to the masquerade. + +The poor fellow jumped with joy when he saw me; but I found him in +great distress. His creditors had threatened his little shop with +immediate ruin, unless he would discharge his debts. He had now +provided the whole sum due, except forty pounds; but this he could not +procure, and the creditors were expected every minute. + +'I have only twelve guineas in the world,' said I, opening my casket, +'but they are at your service.' And I put them into his hand. + +'Dear Lady!' cried the wife, 'what a mortal sight of jewels you have +got! Do you know, now, I could borrow thirty pounds at least on them, +at the pawnbroker's; and that sum would just answer.' + +'Nay,' said I, 'I cannot consent to part with them; though, had I +thirty pounds, I would sooner give it to you, than buy jewels with it.' + +'Sure then,' cried she, 'by the same rule, you would sooner sell your +jewels, than let me want thirty pounds.' + +'Not at all,' answered I, 'for I am fond of my jewels, and I do not +care about money. Besides, have I not already given you twelve +guineas?' + +'You have,' answered she, 'and that is what vexes me. If you had given +me nothing at all, I would not have minded, because you were a +stranger. But first to make yourself our friend, by giving us twelve +guineas, and then to refuse us the remainder--'tis so unnatural!' + +'Ungrateful woman!' cried I. 'Had I ten thousand pounds, you should not +touch a farthing of it.' + +The arrival of the creditors interrupted us, and a touching scene +ensued. The wife and daughter flung themselves on their knees, and +wrung their hands, and begged for mercy; but the wretches were +inexorable. + +How could I remain unmoved? In short, I slipped the casket into the +wife's hand; out she ran with it, and in a few minutes returned with +forty pounds. The creditors received the money due, passed receipts, +and departed, and Jerry returned me the twelve guineas, saying: 'Bless +your sweet face, for 'tis that is the finger-post to heaven, though, to +be sure, I can't look strait in it, after all you have done for me. +Och! 'tis a murder to be under an obligation: so if just a little bit +of mischief would happen you, and I to relieve you, as you did me, why +that would make me _aisy_.' + +I am writing to you, from his house, while his daughter is finishing +the sleeve of my Tuscan dress; and in a short time I shall be ready for +the masquerade. + +I confess I am not at all reconciled to the means I used in obtaining +that dress. I took advantage of the milliner's indiscretion in one +instance, to make her do wrong in another. But doubtless my biographer +will find excuses for me, which I cannot discover myself. Besides, the +code of moral law that heroines acknowledge is often quite opposite +from those maxims which govern other conditions of life. And, indeed, +if we view the various ranks and departments of society, we shall see, +that what is considered vicious in some of them, is not esteemed so in +others. Thus: it is deemed dishonest in a servant to cheat his master +of his wines, but it is thought perfectly fair for his master to +defraud the King of the revenue from those wines. In the same way, what +is called wantonness in a little minx with a flat face, is called only +susceptibility in a heroine with an oval one. We weep at the letters of +Heloise; but were they written by an alderman's fat wife, we should +laugh at them. The heroine may permit an amorous arm round her waist, +fly in the face of her parents, and make assignations in dark groves, +yet still be described as the most prudent of human creatures; but the +mere Miss has no business to attempt any mode of conduct beyond +modesty, decorum, and filial obedience. In a word, as different classes +have distinct privileges, it appears to me, from what I have read of +the law national, and the law romantic, that the heroine's prerogative +is similar to the King's, and that she, like him, can do no wrong. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XXI + + +O Biddy, I have ascertained my genealogy. I am--but I must not +anticipate. Take the particulars. + +Having secured a comfortable bed at Jerry's, and eaten something (for I +had fasted all day), I went with him in a coach to the Pantheon, where +he promised to remain, and escort me back. + +But I must first describe my Tuscan dress. It was a short petticoat of +pale green, with a bodice of white silk; the sleeves loose, and tied up +at the shoulders with ribbons and bunches of flowers. My hair, which +fell in ringlets on my neck, was also ornamented with flowers and a +straw hat. I wore no mask, heroines so seldom do. + +Palpitating with expectation, I entered the assembly. Such a multitude +of grotesque groups as presented themselves! Clowns, harlequins, nuns, +devils; all talking and none listening. The clowns happy to be called +fools, the harlequins as awkward as clowns, the nuns impudent, and the +devils well-conducted. But as there is a description of a masquerade in +almost every novel, you will excuse me from entering into farther +particulars. + +Too much agitated to support my character with spirit, I retired to a +recess, and there anxiously awaited the arrival of the ancient vassal. + +Hardly had I been seated five minutes, when an infirm and reverend old +man approached, and sat down beside me. His feeble form was propt upon +a long staff, a palsy shook his white locks, and his garments had all +the quaintness of antiquity. + +During some minutes, he gazed on me with earnestness, through a black +mask; at length, heaving a heavy sigh, he thus broke forth in tremulous +accents: + +'Well-a-day! how the scalding tears do run adown my furrowed cheeks; +for well I wis, thou beest herself--the Lady Cherubina De Willoughby, +the long-lost daughter of mine honoured mistress!' + +'Speak, I beseech you!' cried I. 'Are you, indeed, the ancient and +loyal vassal?' + +'Now by my truly, 'tis even so,' said he. + +I could have hugged the dear old man to my heart. + +'Welcome, thrice welcome, much respected menial!' cried I, grasping his +hand. 'But keep me not in suspense. Unfold to me the heart-harrowing +mysteries of my unhappy house!' + +'Now by my fay,' said he, 'I will say forth my say. My name is Whylome +Eftsoones, and I was accounted comely when a younker. But what boots +that now? Beauty is like unto a flower of the field.--Good my lady, +pardon a garrulous old man. So as I was saying, the damozels were once +wont to leer at me right waggishly; but time changeth all things, as +the proverb saith; and time hath changed my face, from that of a +blithesome Ganymede to one of those heads which Guido has often +painted; mild, pale, penetrating. Good my lady, I must tell thee a +right pleasant and quaint saying of a certain nun, touching my face.' + +'For pity's sake,' cried I, 'and as you value the preservation of my +senses, continue your story without these digressions.' + +'Certes, my lady,' said he. 'Well, I was first taken, as a bonny page, +into the service of thy great great grandfader's fader's brother; and I +was in at the death of these four generations, till at last, I became +seneschal to thine honoured fader, Lord De Willoughby. His lordship +married the Lady Hysterica Belamour, and thou wast the sole offspring +of that ill-fated union. + +'Soon after thy birth, thy noble father died of an apparition; or, as +some will have it, of stewed lampreys. Returning, impierced with mickle +dolour, from his funeral, which took place at midnight, I was stopped +on a common, by a tall figure, with a mirksome cloak, and a flapped +hat. I shook grievously, ne in that ghastly dreriment wist how myself +to bear.' + +'I do not comprehend your expressions,' interrupted I. + +'I mean,' said he, 'I was in such a fright I did not know what to do. +Anon, he threw aside his disguise, and I beheld--Lord Gwyn!' + +'Lord Gwyn!' cried I. + +'Yea,' said he. 'Lord Gwyn, who was ywedded unto Lord De Willoughby's +sister, the Lady Eleanor.' + +'Then Lady Eleanor Gwyn is my aunt!' cried I. + +'Thou sayest truly,' replied he. '"My good Eftsoones," whispered Lord +Gwyn to me, "know you not that my wife, Lady Eleanor Gwyn, will enjoy +all the extensive estates of her brother, Lord De Willoughby, if that +brother's infant, the little Cherubina, were no more?" + +'"I trow, ween, and wote, 'tis as your lordship saith," answered I. + +'His lordship then put into mine hand a stiletto. + +'"Eftsoones," said he, with a hollow voice, "if this dagger be planted +in a child's heart, it will grow, and bear a golden flower!" + +'He spake, and incontinently took to striding away from me, in such +wise, that maulgre and albe, I gan make effort after him, nathlesse and +algates did child Gwyn forthwith flee from mine eyne.' + +'I protest most solemnly,' said I, 'I do not understand five words in +the whole of that last sentence!' + +'And yet, my lady,' replied he, ''tis the pure well of English +undefiled, and such as was yspoken in mine youth.' + +'But what can you mean by _child_ Gwyn?' said I. 'Surely his lordship +was no suckling at this time.' + +'Child,' said Eftsoones, 'signified a noble youth, some centuries ago; +and it is coming into fashion again. For instance, there is Childe +Harold.' + +'Then,' said I, 'there is "second childishness;" and I fancy there will +be "mere oblivion" too. But if possible, finish your tale in the +corrupt tongue.' + +'I will endeavour,' said he. 'Tempted by this implied promise of a +reward, I took an opportunity of conveying you away from your mother, +and of secreting you at the house of a peasant, whom I bribed to bring +you up as his own daughter. I told Lord Gwyn that I had dispatched you, +and he gave me three and fourpence halfpenny for my trouble. + +'When the dear lady, your mother, missed you, she went through the most +elegant extravagancies; till, having plucked the last hair from her +head, she ran wild into the woods, and has never been heard of since.' + +'Dear sainted sufferer!' exclaimed I. + +'A few days ago,' continued Eftsoones, 'a messenger out of breath came +to tell me, that the peasant to whom I had consigned you was dying, and +wished to see me. I went. Such a scene! He confessed to me that he had +sold you, body and bones, as he inelegantly expressed it, to one farmer +Wilkinson, about thirteen years before; for that this farmer, having +discovered your illustrious birth, speculated on a handsome +consideration from Lord Gwyn, for keeping the secret. Now I am told +there is a certain parchment----' + +'Which I have!' cried I. + +'And a certain portrait of Nell Gwyn----' + +'Which I have!' + +'And a mole just above your left temple----' + +'Which I have!' exclaimed I, in an ecstasy. + +'Then your title is made out, as clear as the sun,' said he; 'and I +bow, in contrition, before Lady Cherubina de Willoughby, rightful +heiress of all the territory now appertaining, or that may hereinafter +appertain, to the House of De Willoughby.' + +'Oh, dear, how delightful!' cried I. 'But my good friend, how am I to +set about proving my title?' + +'Nothing easier,' answered he. 'Lady Gwyn (for his lordship is dead) +resides at this moment on your estate, which lies about thirty miles +from Town; so to-morrow morning you shall set off to see her ladyship, +and make your claims known to her. I will send a trusty servant with +you, and will myself proceed before you, to prepare her for your +arrival. You will therefore find me there.' + +While we were in the act of arranging affairs more accurately, who +should make his appearance, but Stuart in a domino! + +The moment he addressed me, old Eftsoones slunk away; nor could I catch +another glimpse of him during that night. + +Stuart told me that he had come to the masquerade, on the chance of +finding me there, as I seemed so determined on going, the last time he +was with me. He likewise explained the mystery of the darkened chamber, +and the false alarm of fire. + +It appears, that as soon as he had discovered the views of Betterton, +he hired a lodging at the opposite side of the street, and had two +police officers there, for the purpose of watching Betterton's +movements, and frustrating his attempts. He knocked several times in +the course of yesterday, but was always answered that I had walked out. +Knowing that I had not, he began to suspect foul play, and determined +on gaining admittance to me. He therefore knocked once more, and then +rushed into the house crying fire. This manoeuvre had the desired +effect, for an universal panic took place; and in the midst of it, he +saw me issuing forth, and effect my escape. After having pursued me +till he lost all traces of my route, he returned to my lodgings, and +was informed by the poet, that Betterton had persuaded the landlady to +fasten a carpet at the outside of my window, in order to make me remain +in bed, till the time for the masquerade should arrive; and thus +prevent me from having an interview with Stuart. + +We then walked up and down the room, while I gave him an account of the +ancient and loyal vassal, and of all that I had heard respecting my +family. He was silent on the subject; and only begged of me to point +out Eftsoones, as soon as I should see him; but that interesting old +man never appeared. However, I was in great hopes of another adventure; +for a domino now began hovering about us so much, that Stuart at last +addressed it; but it glided away. He said he knew it was Betterton. + +In about an hour, I became tired of the scene; for no one took notice +of my dress. We therefore bade Jerry, who was in waiting, call a coach; +and we proceeded in it to his house. + +On our way, I mentioned my determination of setting off to Lady Gwyn's +the very next morning, as Eftsoones had promised to meet me there. +Stuart, for a wonder, applauded my resolution; and even offered to +accompany me himself. + +'For,' said he, 'I think I know this old Eftsoones; and if so, I fancy +you will find me useful in unravelling part of the mystery. Besides, I +would assist, with all my soul, in any plan tending to withdraw you +from the metropolis.' + +I snatched at his offer with joy; and it was then fixed that we should +take a chaise the next morning, and go together. + +On our arrival at the lodging, Stuart begged a bed of Jerry, that he +might be ready for the journey in time; and the good-natured Irishman, +finding him my friend, agreed to make up a pallet for him in the +parlour. + +Matters were soon arranged, and we have just separated for the night. + +Well, Biddy, what say you now? Have I not made a glorious expedition of +it? A young, rich, beautiful titled heiress already--think of that, +Biddy. + +As soon as I can decently turn Lady Gwyn out of doors, I mean to set +up a most magnificent establishment. But I will treat the poor woman +(who perhaps is innocent of her husband's crime) with extreme +delicacy. She shall never want a bed or a plate. By the by, I must +purchase silver plate. My livery shall be white and crimson. Biddy, +depend upon my patronage. How the parson and music-master will boast +of having known me. Then our village will swarm so, _to hear tell as +how_ Miss Cherry has grown a great lady. Old mother Muggins, at the +bottom of the hill, will make a good week's gossip out of it. However, +I mean to condescend excessively, for there is nothing I hate so much +as pride. + +Yet do not suppose that I am speculating upon an easy life. Though the +chief obstacle to my marriage will soon be removed, by the confirmation +of my noble birth, still I am not ignorant enough to imagine that no +other impediments will interfere. Besides, to confess the fact, I do +not feel my mind quite prepared to marry Montmorenci at so short a +notice. Hitherto I have thought of him but as a lover, not as a +husband--very different characters, in general. + +Ah, no, my friend; be well assured, that adversity will not desert me +quite so quickly. A present good is often the prognostic of an +approaching evil; and when prosperity points its sunshine in our faces, +misfortune, like our shadows, is sure to be behind. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XXII + + +After having breakfasted, and remunerated our entertainers, Stuart and +I set out in a post-chaise, while Jerry ran at our side half way down +the street, heaping me with blessings; and bidding me come to him if +ever I should be ruined. After we had advanced a few miles into the +country, Stuart began to look frequently through the back window, and +appeared uneasy. At length he stopped the carriage, and desired the +driver to turn round. As soon as the man had done so, another carriage, +which, it seems, had followed us from London, passed us, and +immediately turned after us. + +''Tis as I thought!' cried Stuart, and stopping the chaise again, +jumped out of it. + +The chaise behind us also stopped; and a gentleman alighted from it and +approached. But imagine my surprise, when I found that this gentleman +was old Betterton! I could almost have embraced him, his villainous +face looked so promising, and so pregnant with mischief. + +'Sir,' said he to Stuart, 'as you have perceived me following your +carriage, I find myself compelled, however unwillingly, to declare my +motives for doing so. Last night I happened to be at the Pantheon, in a +domino, and saw you there escorting this lady. I confess I had long +before suspected your intentions towards her, and seeing you now +together at a masquerade, and without a matron, I did not feel my +suspicions lessened. I therefore had you both traced home, and I found, +to my great horror, that you stopped at a wretched, and, as I am +informed, infamous house in St. Giles's, where you remained during the +night. I found too, that a chaise was at the door of it this morning: +whence concluding, as I well might, that an elopement was in agitation, +I determined, if possible, to prevent so dreadful a catastrophe, by +hiring a carriage and pursuing you. + +'Sir, you undertook to lecture me, when last I saw you; and plausibly +enough you performed your part. It is now my duty to return the +obligation. Mr. Stuart, Mr. Stuart, is it not a shame for you, Mr. +Stuart? Is this the way to treat the daughter of your friend, Mr. +Stuart? Go, silly boy, return to your home; and bless that heaven which +hath sent me to the rescue of this fair unfortunate.' + +'By all that is comical,' cried Stuart, laughing immoderately, 'this is +too ludicrous even to be angry at! Miss Wilkinson, allow me to +introduce you to Mr. Whylome Eftsoones, an ancient and loyal vassal of +the De Willoughbys;--a mere modern in his principles, I am afraid; but +addicted, I wis, to antiquated language.' + +Betterton, I thought, looked rather blank, as he said, 'Really, Sir, I +do not understand----' + +'But really, Sir,' cried Stuart, 'I _do_ understand. I understand, +that if you would take less trouble in protecting this lady's honour, +you would have a better chance of preserving your own.' + +'Sir,' answered Betterton, 'I will have you to know, that I would +sacrifice my life in defence of my honour.' + +'Well, then,' said Stuart, 'though your life has but little of the +saint, it will, at least, have something of the martyr.' + +Betterton scowled at him askance, and grinned a thousand devils. + +'Hear me, gentlemen,' cried I. 'If either of you again say any thing +disrespectful or insulting to the other, I declare, on my honour, he +shall leave me instantly. At present, I should be happy if both would +do me the favour of escorting me to Lady Gwyn's, as I may meet with +treatment there that will render the support of friends indispensible.' + +It was now Stuart's turn to look downcast, and Betterton's to smile +triumphant. The fact is, I wished to shew this admirable villain how +grateful I felt for his meritorious conduct in not having deserted me. + +'I will accept of your invitation with pleasure,' said he, 'for my seat +lies within a few miles of her ladyship, and I wish to visit my +tenantry.' + +It was now noon. A few fleecy clouds floated in the blue depths of +ether. The breeze brought coolness on its wings, and an inviting +valley, watered by a rivulet, lay on the left; here whitened with +sheep, and there dotted with little encampments of hay. + +Exhilarated by the scene, after so long a confinement in the smoke and +stir of London, I proposed to my companions the rural exercise of +walking, as preferable to proceeding cooped up in a carriage. Each, +whatever was his motive, caught at the proposal with delight, and we +dismissed our chaises. + +I now hastened to luxuriate in Arcadian beatitude. The pastoral habit +of Tuscany was favourable; nothing remained but to rival an Ida, or a +Glorvina, in simple touches of nature; and to trip along the lawns, +like a Daphne or a Hamadryad. + +In an instant, I sprang across a hedge, and fled towards the little +valley, light as a wood-nymph flying from a satyr. I then took up a +most picturesque position. It was beside of the streamlet, under a +weeping willow, and on a grassy bank. Close behind me lay one of the +most romantic cottages that I had ever seen, and at its back was a +small garden, encompassed by green paling. The stream, bordered with +wild-flowers, prattled prettily; save here and there, where a jutting +stone shattered its crystal, and made its music hoarse. It purled and +murmured a little too, but no where could it be said either to tinkle +or gurgle, to chide or brawl. + +Flinging off my bonnet, I shook my narcissine locks over my shoulders, +and began braiding them in the manner of a simple shepherdess. + +Stuart came up the first. I plucked a daisy that was half dipt into the +brook; and instead of shaking off its moisture, I quaffed the liquid +fragrance with my lip, and then held the flower to him. + +'What am I to do with it?' said he. + +'To pledge me,' replied I. 'To drink Nature's nectar, that trembles on +the leaves which my lip has consecrated.' + +He laughed and kissed the flower. That moment a lambkin began its +pretty bleat. + +'Now,' said I, 'make me a simple tripping little ditty on a lambkin.' + +'You shall have it,' answered he, 'and such as an attorney's clerk +would read to a milliner's apprentice.' + + Dear sensibility, O la! + I heard a little lamb cry, ba; + Says I, so you have lost mamma? + Ah! + + The little lamb, as I said so, + Frisking about the field did go, + And frisking, trod upon my toe. + Oh! + +'Neat enough,' said I, 'only that it wants the word LOVE in it.' + +'True,' cried Stuart; 'for all modern poems of the kind abound in the +word, though they seldom have much of the feeling.' + +'And pray, my good friend,' asked I archly, as I bound up my golden +ringlets--'WHAT IS LOVE?' + +'Nay,' said he, 'they say that talking of love is making it.' + +Plucking a thistle that sprang from the bank, I blew away its down with +my balmy breath, merely to hide my confusion. + +Surely I am the most sensitive of all created beings! + +Betterton had now reached us, out of breath after his race, and utterly +unable to articulate. + +'Betterton,' cried I, 'what is love?' + +''Tis,' said he, gasping, ''tis--'tis----' + +'The gentleman,' cried Stuart, 'gives as good a description of it as +most of our modern poets; who make its chief ingredients panting and +broken murmurs.' + +'Now in my opinion,' said I, 'love is a mystical sympathy, which +unfolds itself in the glance that seeks the soul,--the sentiment that +the soul embodies--the tender gaiety--the more delicious sadness--the +stifled sigh--the soft and malicious smile--the thrill, the hope, the +fear--each in itself a little bliss. In a word, it is the swoon of the +soul, the delirium of the heart, the elegant inebriety of +unsophisticated sentiment.' + +'If such be love,' said Stuart, 'I fear I shall never bring myself to +make it.' + +'And pray,' said I, 'how would you make love?' + +'There are many modes,' answered he, 'and the way to succeed with one +girl is often the way to fail with another. Girls may be divided into +the conversable and inconversable. He who can talk the best, has +therefore the best chance of the former; but would a man make a +conquest of one of the beautiful Inutilities, who sits in sweet +stupidity, plays off the small simpers, and founds her prospects in +life on the shape of her face, he has little more to do than call her a +goddess and make himself a monkey. Or if that should fail, as he cannot +apply to her understanding, he must have recourse to her feeling, and +try what the touch can do for him. The touch has a thousand virtues. +Only let him establish a lodgment on the first joint of her little +finger, he may soon set out on his travels, and make the grand tour of +her waist. This is, indeed, to have wit at his fingers' ends; and this, +I can assure you, is the best and shortest way to gain the hearts of +those demure misses, who think that all modesty consists in silence, +that to be insipid is to be innocent, and that because they have not a +word for a young man in public, they may have a kiss for him in +private.' + +'Come,' said I, 'let us talk of love in poetry, not prose. I want some +pretty verses to fill up my memoirs; so, Betterton, now for an amorous +ode to your mistress.' + +Betterton bowed and began: + + TO FANNY + + Say, Fanny, why has bounteous heaven, + In every end benign and wise, + Perfection to your features given? + Enchantment to your witching eyes? + + Was it that mortal man might view + Thy charms at distance, and adore? + Ah, no! the man who would not woo, + Were less than mortal, or were more. + + The mossy rose that scents the sky, + By bee, by butterfly caress'd, + We leave not on the stalk to die, + But fondly snatch it to the breast + + There, unsurpassed in sweets, it dwells;-- + Unless the breast be Fanny's own: + There blooming, every bloom excels;-- + Except of Fanny's blush alone. + + O Fanny, life is on the wing, + And years, like rivers, glide away: + To-morrow may misfortune bring, + Then, gentle girl, enjoy to-day + + And while a lingering kiss I sip, + Ah, start not from these ardent arms; + Nor think the printure of my lip + Will rob your own of any charms. + + For see, we crush not, though we tread, + The cup and primrose. Fanny smiled. + Come then and press the cup, she said, + Come then and press the primrose wild. + +'Now,' cried Stuart, 'I can give you a poem, with just as much love in +it, and twice as much kissing.' + +'That,' said I, 'would be a treasure indeed.' + +He then began thus: + + TO SALLY + + Dawn with stains of ruddy light, + Streaks her grey and fragrant fingers, + While the Ethiop foot of night, + Envious of my Sally, lingers. + + Upward poplars, downward willows, + Rustle round us; zephyrs sprinkle + Leaves of daffodillies, lilies, + Pennyroyal, periwinkle. + + Rosy, balmy, honied, humid, + Biting, burning, murmuring kisses, + Sally, I will snatch from you, mid + Looks demure that tempt to blisses. + + If your cheek grow cold, my dear, + I will kiss it, till it flushes, + Or if warm, my raptured tear, + Shall extinguish all its blushes. + + Yes, that dimple is a valley, + Where sports many a little true love, + And that glance you dart, my Sally, + Might melt diamonds into dew love. + + But while idle thus I chat, + I the war of lips am missing. + This, this, this, and that, that, that, + These make kissing, kissing, kissing. + +The style of this poem reminded me of Montmorenci, and at the same +moment I heard a rustling sound behind me. I started. ''Tis +Montmorenci!' cried I. + +Agitated in the extreme, I turned to see.--It was only a cock-sparrow. + +'I deserve the disappointment,' said I to myself, 'for I have never +once thought of that amiable youth since I last beheld him. 'Sweetest +and noblest of men,' exclaimed I, aloud, 'say, dost thou mourn my +mysterious absence? Perhaps the draught of air that I now inhale is the +same which thou hast breathed forth, in a sigh for the far distant +Cherubina!' + +'That cannot well be,' interrupted Stuart, 'or at least the sigh of +this unknown must have been packed up in a case, and hermetically +sealed, to have come to you without being dispersed on the way.' + +'There you happen to be mistaken,' answered I. 'For in the Hermit of +the Rock, the heroine, while sitting on the coast of Sardinia, seemed +to think it highly probable, that the billow at her feet might be the +identical billow which had swallowed up her lover, about a year before, +off the coast of Martinique.' + +'That was not at all more improbable than Valancourt's theory,' said +Stuart. + +'What was it?' asked I. + +'Why,' said he, 'that the sun sets, in different longitudes, at the +same moment. For when his Emily was going to Italy, while he remained +in France, he begged of her to watch the setting of the sun every +evening, that both their eyes might be fixed upon the same object at +once. Now, as the sun would set, where she was in Italy, much earlier +than where he was in France, he certainly took the best of all possible +methods to prevent their looking at it together.' + +'But, Sir,' said Betterton, 'heroes and heroines are not bound to +understand astronomy.' + +'And yet,' answered Stuart, 'they are greater star-gazers than the +ancient Egyptians. To form an attachment for the moon, and write a +sonnet on it, is the principal test of being a heroine.' + +As he spoke, a painted butterfly came fluttering about me. To pursue it +was a classical amusement, for Caroline of Lichfield made a +butterfly-hunt her pastime; so springing on my feet, I began the chace. +The nimble insect eluded me for a long time, and at last got over the +paling, into the little garden. I followed it through a small gate, and +caught it; but alas! bruised it in the capture, and broke one of its +wings. The poor thing sought refuge in a lily, where it lay struggling +a few moments, and then its little spirit fled for ever. + +What an opportunity for a sonnet! I determined to compose one under the +willow. A beautiful rose-bush was blushing near the lily, and reminded +me how pastoral I should look, could I recline on roses, during my +poetical ecstasy. But would it be proper to pick them? Surely a few +could do no harm. I glanced round--Nobody was in sight--I picked a few. +But what signified a few for what I wanted? I picked a few more. The +more I picked, the more I longed to pick--'Tis human nature; and was +not Eve herself tempted in a garden? So from roses I went to lilies, +from lilies to carnations, thence to jessamine, honey-suckle, +eglantine, sweet-pea; till, in short, I had filled my bonnet, and +almost emptied the beds. I then hurried to the willow with my prize; +sentenced Stuart and Betterton to fifty yards banishment, and +constructed a charming couch of flowers, which I damasked and inlaid +with daisies, butter-flowers, and moss. + +Enraptured with my paradisaical carpet, I flung myself upon it, and my +recumbent form, as it pressed the perfumes, was indeed that of +Mahomet's Houri. Exercise and agitation had heightened the glow of my +cheeks, and the wind had blown my yellow hair about my face, like +withered leaves round a ripened peach. I never looked so lovely. + +In a short time I was able to repeat this sonnet aloud. + + SONNET + + Where the blue stream reflected flowerets pale, + A fluttering butterfly, with many a freak, + Dipped into dancing bells, and spread its sail + Of azure pinions, edged with jetty streak. + I snatched it passing; but a pinion frail, + Ingrained with mealy gold, I chanced to break. + The mangled insect, ill deserving bane, + Falls in the hollow of a lily new. + My tears drop after it, but drop in vain. + The cup, embalmed with azure airs and dew, + And flowery dust and grains of fragrant seed, + Can ne'er revive it from the fatal deed. + So guileless nymphs attract some traiterous eye, + So by the spoiler crushed, reject all joy and die. + +Now that the pomp of composition was over, I began to think I had +treated the owner of the garden extremely ill. I felt myself guilty of +little less than theft, and was deliberating on what I ought to do, +when an old, grey-headed peasant came running towards me from the +garden. + +'Miss!' cried he, 'have you seen any body pass this way with a parcel +of flowers; for some confounded thief has just robbed me of all I had?' + +I raised myself a little to reply, and he perceived the flowers +underneath. + +'Odd's life!' cried he, 'so you are the thief, are you? How dare you, +hussey, commit such a robbery?' + +'I am no hussey, and 'tis no robbery,' cried I; 'and trust me, you +shall neither have apology nor compensation. Hussey, indeed! Sir, it +was all your own fault for leaving that uncouth gate of your's open. I +am afraid, Sir, that you are a shockingly ignorant old man.' + +The peasant was just about to seize me, when Stuart ran up, and +prevented him. They had then some private conversation together, and I +saw Stuart give him a guinea. The talismanic touch of gold struck +instant peace, and a compact of amity followed. Indeed, I have ever +found, that even my face, though a heroine's, and with all its dimples, +blushes, and glances, could never do half so much for me as the royal +face on a bit of gold. + +The peasant was now very civil, and invited us to rest in his cottage. +Thither we repaired, and found his daughter, a beautiful young woman, +just preparing the dinner. I felt instantly interested in her fate. I +likewise felt hungry; so calling her aside, I told her that I would be +happy to have a dinner, and, if possible, a bed, at the cottage; and +that I would recompense her liberally for them, as I was a lady of +rank, but at present in great affliction. + +She said she would be very glad to accommodate me, if her father would +permit her; and she then went to consult him. After a private +conference between them and Stuart, she told me that her father was +willing to let me remain. So we soon agreed upon the terms, and a +village was at hand, where Stuart and Betterton might dine and sleep. + +Before they left me, they made me give a solemn promise not to quit the +cottage, till both of them should return, the next morning. + +Stuart took an opportunity of asking me, whether he could speak to me +in private, that evening. + +'At ten o'clock to-night,' answered I, 'I will be sitting at the +casement of my chamber. Trill a lamenting canzonet beneath it, as a +signal, and I will admit you to a stolen interview.' + +Betterton and he then departed, but not in company with each other. + +Dinner is announced. + +Adieu + + + + +LETTER XXIII + + +At dinner, a young farmer joined us; and I soon perceived that he and +the peasant's daughter, Mary, were born for each other. They betrayed +their mutual tenderness by a thousand little innocent stratagems, that +passed, as they thought, unobserved. + +After dinner, when Mary was about accompanying me to walk, the youth +stole after us, and just as I had got into the garden, he drew her +back, and I heard him kiss her. She came to me with her face a little +flushed, and her ripe lips ruddier than before. + +'Well, Mary,' said I, 'what was he doing to you?' + +'Doing, Ma'am? Nothing, I am sure.' + +'Nothing, Mary?' + +'Why, Ma'am, he only wanted to be a little rude, and kiss me, I +believe.' + +'And you would not allow him, Mary?' + +'Why should I tell a falsehood about it, Ma'am?' said she. 'To be sure +I did not hinder him; for he is my sweetheart, and we are to be married +next week.' + +'And do you love him, Mary?' + +'Better than my life, Ma'am. There never was such a good lad; he has +not a fault in the wide world, and all the girls are dying of envy that +I have got him.' + +'Well, Mary,' said I, 'I foresee we shall spend a most delicious +evening. We will take a rural repast down to the brook, and tell our +loves. The contrast will be beautiful;--mine, the refined, sentimental, +pathetic story; your's the pretty, simple, little, artless tale. Come, +my friend; let us return, and prepare the rustic banquet. No souchong, +or bohea; (blessed names these!) no hot or cold cakes--Oh! no, but +creams, berries, and fruits; goat's milk, figs, and honey--Arcadian, +pastoral, primeval dainties!' + +We then went back to the cottage, but could get nothing better than +currants, gooseberries, and a maple bowl of cream. Mary, indeed, cut a +large slice of bread and butter for her private amusement; and with +these we returned to the streamlet. I then threw myself on my flowery +couch, and my companion sat beside me. + +We helped ourselves. I took rivulet to my cream, and scooped the brook +with my rosy palm. Innocent nymph! ah, why couldst thou not sit down in +the lap of content here, and dance, and sing, and say thy prayers, and +go to heaven with this nut-brown maid? + +I picked up a languishing rose, and sighed as I inhaled its perfume, +and gazed on its decay. + +'Such, Mary,' said I, 'such will be the fate of you and me. How soft, +how serene this evening. It is a landscape for a Claud. But how much +more charming is an Italian or a French than an English landscape. O! +to saunter over hillocks, covered with lavender, wild thyme, juniper +and tamarise, while shrubs fringe the summits of the rocks, or patches +of meagre vegetation tint their recesses! Plantations of almonds, +cypresses, palms, olives, and dates stretch along; nor are the larch +and ilex, the masses of granite, and dark forests of fir wanting; while +the majestic Garonne wanders, descending from the Pyrenees, and winding +its blue waves towards the Bay of Biscay. + +'Is not all this exquisite, Mary?' + +'It must, Ma'am, since you say so,' replied she. + +'Then,' continued I, 'though your own cottage is tolerable, yet is it, +as in Italy, covered with vine leaves, fig-trees, jessamine, and +clusters of grapes? Is it tufted with myrtle, or shaded with a grove of +lemon, orange, and bergamot?' + +'But Ma'am,' said Mary, ''tis shaded by some fine old elms.' + +'True,' cried I, with the smile of approaching triumph. 'But do the +flowers of the spreading agnus castus mingle with the pomegranate of +Shemlek? Does the Asiatic andrachne rear its red trunk? Are the +rose-coloured nerit, and verdant alia marina imbost upon the rocks? And +do the golden clusters of Eastern spartium gleam amidst the fragrant +foliage of the cedrat, the most elegant shrub of the Levant? Do they, +Mary?' + +'I believe not, Ma'am,' answered she. 'But then our fields are all over +daisies, butterflowers, clover-blossoms, and daffodowndillies.' + +'Daffodowndillies!' cried I. 'Ah, Mary, Mary, you may be a very good +girl, but you do not shine in description. Now I leave it to your own +taste, which sounds better,--Asiatic andrachne, or daffodowndillies? If +you knew any thing of novels, you would describe for the ear, not for +the eye. Oh, my young friend, never, while you live, say +daffodowndillies.' + +'Never, if I can help it, Ma'am,' said Mary. 'And I hope you are not +offended with me, or think the worse of me, on account of my having +said it now; for I could safely make oath that I never heard, till this +instant, of its being a naughty word.' + +'I am satisfied,' said I. 'So now let us tell our loves, and you shall +begin.' + +'Indeed, Ma'am,' said she, 'I have nothing to tell.' + +'Impossible,' cried I. 'Did William never save your life?' + +'Never, Ma'am.' + +'Well then, he had a quarrel with you?' + +'Never, in all his born days, Ma'am.' + +'Shocking! Why how long have you known him?' + +'About six months, Ma'am. He took a small farm near us; and he liked me +from the first, and I liked him, and both families wished for the +match; and when he asked me to marry him, I said I would; and so we +shall be married next week; and that is the whole history, Ma'am.' + +'A melancholy history, indeed!' said I. 'What a pity that an +interesting pair, like you, who, without flattery, seem born for one of +Marmontel's tales, should be so cruelly sacrificed.' + +I then began to consider whether any thing could yet be done in their +behalf, or whether the matter was indeed past redemption. I reflected +that it would be but an act of common charity,--hardly deserving +praise--to snatch them awhile from the dogged and headlong way they +were setting about matrimony, and introduce them to a few of the +sensibilities. Surely with very little ingenuity, I might get up an +incident or two between them;--a week or a fortnight's torture, +perhaps;--and afterwards enjoy the luxury of reuniting them. + +Full of this laudable intention, I sat meditating awhile; and at length +hit upon an admirable plan. It was no less than to make Mary (without +her own knowledge) write a letter to William, dismissing him for ever! +This appears impossible, but attend. + +'My story,' said I, to the unsuspecting girl, 'is long and lamentable, +and I fear, I have not spirits to relate it. I shall merely tell you, +that I yesterday eloped with the younger of the gentlemen who were here +this morning, and married him. I was induced to take this step, in +consequence of my parents having insisted that I should marry my first +cousin; who, by the by, is a namesake of your William's. Now, Mary, I +have a favour to beg of you. My cousin William must be made acquainted +with my marriage; though I mean to keep it a secret from my family, and +as I do not wish to tell him such unhappy tidings in my own +hand-writing--and in high life, my fair rustic, young ladies must not +write to young gentlemen, your taking the trouble to write out the +letter for me, would bind me to you for ever.' + +'That I will, and welcome,' said the simple girl; 'only Ma'am, I fear I +shall disgrace a lady like you, with my bad writing. I am, out and out, +the worst scribbler in our family; and William says to me but +yesterday, ah, Mary, says he, if your tongue talked as your pen writes, +you might die an old maid for me. Ah, William, says I, I would bite off +my tongue sooner than die an old maid. So, to be sure, Willy laughed +very hearty.' + +We then returned home, and retired to my chamber, where I dictated, and +Mary wrote as follows: + + 'Dear William, + + 'Prepare your mind for receiving a great and unexpected shock. To + keep you no longer in suspense, learn that I am MARRIED. + + 'Before I had become acquainted with you, I was attached to another + man, whose name I must beg leave to conceal. About a year since, + circumstances compelled him to go abroad, and before his departure, + he procured a written promise from me, to marry him on the first + day of his return. You then came, and succeeded in rivalling him. + + 'As he never once wrote, after he had left the country, I concluded + that he was dead. Yesterday, however, a letter from him was put + into my hand, which announced his return, and appointed a private + interview. I went. He had a clergyman in waiting to join our hands. + I prayed, entreated, wept--all in vain. + + 'I BECAME HIS WIFE. + + 'O William, pity, but do not blame me. If you are a man of honour + and of feeling, never shew this letter, or tell its contents to one + living soul. Do not even speak to myself on the subject of it. + + 'You see I pay your own feelings the compliment of not signing the + name that I now bear. + + 'Adieu, dear William: adieu for ever.' + +We then returned to the sitting-room, and found William there. While we +were conversing, I took an opportunity to slip the letter, unperceived, +into his hand, and to bid him read it in some other place. He retired +with it, and we continued talking. But in about half an hour he hurried +into the room, with an agitated countenance; stopped opposite to Mary, +and looked at her earnestly. + +'William!' cried she, 'William! For shame then, don't frighten one so.' + +'No, Mary,' said he, 'I scorn to frighten you, or injure you either. I +believe I am above that. But no wonder my last look at you should be +frightful. There is your true-lover's knot--there is your hair--there +are your letters. So now, Mary, good-bye, and may you be for ever +happy, is what I pray Providence, from the bottom of my broken heart!' + +With these words, and a piteous glance of anguish, he rushed from the +room. + +Mary remained motionless a moment; then half rose, sat down, rose +again; and grew pale and red by turns. + +''Tis so--so laughable,' said she at length, while her quivering lip +refused the attempted smile. 'All my presents returned too. Sure--my +heavens!--Sure he cannot want to break off with me? Well, I have as +good a spirit as he, I believe. The base man; the cruel, cruel man!' +and she burst into a passion of tears. + +I tried to sooth her, but the more I said, the more she wept. She was +sure, she said, she was quite sure that he wanted to leave her; and +then she sobbed so piteously, that I was on the point of undeceiving +her; when, fortunately, we heard her father returning, and she ran into +her own room. He asked about her; I told him that she was not +well;--the old excuse of a fretting heroine; so the good man went to +her, and with some difficulty gained admittance. They have remained +together ever since. + +How delicious will be the happy denouement of this pathetic episode, +this dear novellette; and how sweetly will it read in my memoirs! + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XXIV + + +The night was so dark when I repaired to the casement, that I have been +trying to compose a description of it for you, in the style of the best +romances. But after having summoned to my mind all the black articles +of value that I can recollect--ebony, sables, palls, pitch, and even +coal, I find I have nothing better to say, than, simply, that it was a +dark night. + +Having opened the casement, I sat down at it, and repeated these lines +aloud. + + SONNET + + Now while within their wings each feather'd pair, + Hide their hush'd heads, thy visit, moon, renew, + Shake thy pale tresses down, irradiate air, + Earth, and the spicy flowers that scent the dew. + The lonely nightingale shall pipe to thee, + And I will moralize her minstrelsy. + + Ten thousand birds the sun resplendent sing, + One only warbles to the milder moon. + Thus for the great, how many wake the string, + Thus for the good, how few the lyre attune. + +As soon as I had finished the sonnet, a low and tremulous voice, close +to the casement, sung these words: + + SONG + + Haste, my love, and come away; + What is folly, what is sorrow? + 'Tis to turn from, joys to-day, + Tis to wait for cares to-morrow. + O'er the river, + Aspens shiver + Thus I tremble at delay. + Light discovers, + Vowing lovers: + See the stars with sharpened ray, + Gathering thicker, + Glancing quicker; + Haste, my love, and come away. + +I sat enraptured, and heaved a sigh. + +'Enchanting sigh!' cried the singer, as he sprang through the window; +but it was not the voice of Stuart. + +I screamed loudly. + +'Hush!' cried the mysterious unknown, and advanced towards me; when, to +my great relief, the door was thrown open, and the old peasant entered, +with Mary behind him, holding a candle. + +In the middle of the room, stood a man, clad in a black cloak, with +black feathers in his hat, and a black mask on his face. + +The peasant, pale as death, ran forward, knocked him to the ground, and +seized a pistol and carving-knife, that were stuck in a belt about his +waist. + +'Unmask him!' cried I. + +The peasant, kneeling on his body, tore off the mask, and I +beheld--Betterton! + +'Alarm the neighbours, Mary!' cried the peasant. + +Mary put down the candle, and went out. + +'I must appear in an unfavourable light to you, my good man,' said this +terrifying character; 'but the young lady will inform you that I came +hither at her own request.' + +'For shame!' cried I. 'What a falsehood!' + +'Falsehood!' said he. 'I have your own letter, desiring me to come.' + +'The man is mad,' cried I. 'I never wrote him a letter.' + +'I can produce it to your face,' said he, pulling a paper from his +pocket, and to my great amazement reading these lines. + +'Cherubina begs that Betterton will repair to her window, at ten +o'clock to-night, disguised like an Italian assassin, with dagger, +cloak, and pistol. The signal is to be his singing an air under the +casement, which she will then open, and he may enter her chamber.' + +'I will take the most solemn oath,' cried I, 'that I never wrote a line +of it. But this unhappy wretch, who is a ruffian of the first +pretensions, has a base design upon me, and has followed me from +London, for the purpose of effecting it; so I suppose, he wrote the +letter himself, as an excuse, in case of discovery.' + +'Then he shall march to the magistrate's,' said the peasant, 'and I +will indict him for house-breaking!' + +A man half so frantic as Betterton I never beheld. He foamed, he +grinned, he grinded the remnants of his teeth; and swore that Stuart +was at the bottom of the whole plot. + +By this time, Mary having returned with two men, we set forward in a +body to the magistrate's, and delivered our depositions before him. I +swore that I did not write the letter, and that, to the best of my +belief, Betterton harboured bad designs against me. + +The peasant swore that he had found the culprit, armed with a knife and +pistol, in his house. + +The magistrate, therefore, notwithstanding all that Betterton could +say, committed him to prison without hesitation. + +As they were leading him away, he cast a furious look at the +magistrate, and said: + +'Ay, Sir, I suppose you are one of those pensioned justices, who +minister our vague and sanguinary laws, and do dark deeds for our +usurping oligarchy, that has assumed a power of making our most +innocent actions misdemeanours, of determining points of law without +appeal, of imprisoning our persons without trial, and of breaking open +our houses with the standing army. But nothing will go right till we +have a reform in Parliament--neither peace nor war, commerce nor +agriculture----' + +'Clocks nor watches, I suppose,' said the magistrate. + +'Ay, clocks nor watches,' cried Betterton, in a rage. 'For how can our +mechanics make any thing good, while a packed parliament deprives them +of money and a mart?' + +'So then,' said the magistrate, 'if St. Dunstan's clock is out of +order, 'tis owing to the want of a reform in Parliament.' + +'I have not the most distant doubt of it,' cried Betterton. + +''Tis fair then,' said the magistrate, 'that the reformists should take +such a latitude as they do; for, probably, by their encouragement of +time-pieces, they will at last discover the longitude.' + +'No sneering, Sir,' cried Betterton. 'Now do your duty, as you call it, +and abide the consequence.' + +This gallant grey Lothario was then led off; and our party returned +home. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XXV + + +I rose early this morning, and repaired to my favourite willow, to +contemplate the placid landscape. Flinging myself on the grass, close +to the brook, I began to warble a rustic madrigal. I then let down my +length of tresses, and, stooping over the streamlet, laved them in the +little urn of the dimpling Naiad. + +This, you know, was agreeable enough, but the accident that befel me +was not. For, leaning too much over, I lost my balance, and rolled +headlong into the middle of the rivulet. As it was shallow, I did not +fear being drowned, but as I was a heroine, I hoped to be rescued. +Therefore, instead of rising, as I might easily have done, there I lay, +shrieking and listening, and now and then lifting up my head, in hopes +to see Stuart come flying towards me on the wings of the wind, Oh no! +my gentleman thought proper to make himself scarce; so dripping, +shivering, and indignant, I scrambled out, and bent my steps towards +the cottage. + +On turning the corner of the hedge, who should I perceive at the door, +but the hopeful youth himself, quite at his ease, and blowing a penny +trumpet for a chubby boy. + +'What has happened to you?' said he, seeing me so wet. + +'Only that I fell into the brook,' answered I, 'and was under the +disagreeable necessity of saving my own life, when I expected that you +would have condescended to take the trouble off my hands.' + +'Expected!' cried he. 'Surely you had no reason for supposing that I +was so near to you, as even to have witnessed the disaster.' + +'And it is, therefore,' retorted I, 'that you ought to have been so +near me as to have witnessed it.' + +'You deal in riddles,' said he. + +'Not at all,' answered I. 'For the farther off a distrest heroine +believes a hero, the nearer he is sure to be. Only let her have good +grounds for supposing him at her Antipodes, and nine times out of ten +she finds him at her elbow.' + +'Well,' said he, laughing, 'though I did not save your life, I will not +endanger it, by detaining you in your wet dress. Pray hasten to change +it.' + +I took his advice, and borrowed some clothes from Mary, while mine were +put to the fire. After breakfast, I once more equipped myself in my +Tuscan costume, and a carriage being ready for us, I took an +affectionate leave of that interesting rustic. Poor girl! Her attempts +at cheerfulness all the morning were truly tragical; and, absorbed in +another sorrow, she felt but little for my departure. + +On our way, Stuart confessed that he was the person who wrote the +letter to Betterton in my name; and that he did so for the purpose of +entrapping him in such a manner as to prevent him from accompanying me +farther. He was at the window during the whole scene; as he meant to +have seized Betterton himself, had not the peasant done so. + +'You will excuse my thus interfering in your concerns,' added he; 'but +gratitude demands of me to protect the daughter of my guardian; and +friendship for her improves the duty to a pleasure.' + +'Ah!' said I, 'however it has happened, I fear you dislike me +strangely.' + +'Believe me, you mistake,' answered he. 'With a few foibles (which are +themselves as fascinating as foibles can be), you possess many virtues; +and, let me add, a thousand attractions. I who tell you blunt truths, +may well afford you flattery.' + +'Flattery,' said I, pleased by his praises, and willing to please him +in return by serious conversation, 'deserves censure only when the +motive for using it is mean or vicious.' + +'Your remark is a just one,' observed he. 'Flattery is often but the +hyperbole of friendship; and even though a compliment itself may not be +sincere, our motive for paying it may be good. Flattery, so far from +injuring, may sometimes benefit the object of it; for it is possible to +create a virtue in others, by persuading them that they possess it.' + +'Besides,' said I, 'may we not pay a compliment, without intending that +it should be believed; but merely to make ourselves agreeable by an +effort of the wit? And since such an effort shews that we consider the +person flattered worthy of it, the compliment proves a kind intention +at least, and thus tends to cement affection and friendship.' + +In this manner Stuart insensibly led me to talk on grave topics; and we +continued a delightful conversation the remainder of the day. Sometimes +he seemed greatly gratified at my sprightly sallies, or serious +remarks; but never could I throw him off his guard, by the dangerous +softness of my manner. He now calls me the lovely visionary. + +Would you believe that this laughing, careless, unpathetic creature, is +a poet, and a poet of feeling, as the following lines will prove. But +whether he wrote them on a real or an imaginary being, I cannot, by any +art, extract from him. + + THE FAREWELL + + Go, gentle muse, 'tis near the gloomy day, + Long dreaded; go, and say farewell for me; + A sad farewell to her who deigned thee, say, + For far she hastens hence. Ah, hard decree! + + Tell her I feel that at the parting hour, + More than the waves will heave in tumult wild: + More than the skies will threat a gushing shower, + More than the breeze will breathe a murmur mild. + + Say that her influence flies not with her form, + That distant she will still engage my mind: + That suns are most remote when most they warm, + That flying Parthians scatter darts behind. + + Long will I gaze upon her vacant home, + As the bird lingers near its pilfered nest, + There, will I cry, she turned the studious tome; + There sported, there her envied pet caressed. + + There, while she plied accomplished works of art, + I saw her form, inclined with Sapphic grace; + Her radiant eyes, blest emblems of her heart, + And all the living treasures of her face. + + The Parian forehead parting clustered hair, + The cheek of peachy tinct, the meaning brow; + The witching archness, and the grace so rare, + So magical, it charmed I knew not how. + + Light was her footstep as the silent flakes + Of falling snow; her smile was blithe as morn; + Her dimple, like the print the berry makes, + In some smooth lake, when dropping from the thorn. + + To snatch her passing accents as she spoke, + To see her slender hand, (that future prize) + Fling back a ringlet, oft I dared provoke, + The gentle vengeance of averted eyes. + + Yet ah, what wonder, if, when shrinking awe + Withheld me from her sight, I broke my chain? + Or when I made a single glance my law, + What wonder if that law were made in vain? + + And say, can nought but converse love inspire? + What tho' for me her lips have never moved? + The vale that speaks but with its feathered choir, + When long beheld, eternally is loved. + + Go then, my muse, 'tis near the gloomy day + Of parting; go, and say farewell for me; + A sad farewell to her who deigned thee, say, + Whate'er engage her, wheresoe'er she be. + + If slumbering, tell her in my dreams she sways, + If speaking, tell her in my words she glows; + If thoughtful, tell her in my thoughts she strays, + If tuneful, tell her in my song she flows. + + Tell her that soon my dreams unblest will prove; + That soon my words on absent charms will dwell; + That soon my thoughts remembered hours will love; + That soon my song of vain regrets will tell. + + Then, in romantic moments, I will frame, + Some scene ideal, where we meet at last; + Where, by my peril, snatched from wreck or flame, + She smiles reward and talks of all the past. + + Now for the lark she flies my wistful lay. + Ah, could the bard some winged warbler be, + Following her form, no longer would he say, + Go, gentle muse, and bid farewell for me. + +I write from an inn within a mile of Lady Gwyn's. Another hour and my +fate is decided. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XXVI + + +At length, with a throbbing heart, I now, for the first time, beheld +the mansion of my revered ancestors--the present abode of Lady Gwyn. +That unfortunate usurper of my rights was not denied to me; so I +alighted; and though Stuart wished much to be present at the interview, +I would not permit him; but was ushered by the footman into the +sitting-room. + +I entered with erect, yet gentle majesty; while my Tuscan habit, which +was soiled and shrivelled by the brook, gave me an air of complicated +distress. + +I found her ladyship at a table, classifying fossils. She was tall and +thin, and bore the remains of beauty; but I could not discover the +family face. + +She looked at me with some surprise; smiled, and begged to know my +business. + +'It is a business,' said I, 'of the most vital importance to your +ladyship's honour and repose; and I lament that an imperious necessity +compels me to the invidious task of acquainting you with it. Could +anything add to the painful nature of my feelings, it would be to find +that I had wounded yours.' + +'Your preamble alarms me,' said she. 'Do, pray be explicit.' + +'I must begin,' said I, 'with declaring my perfect conviction of your +ignorance, that any person is existing, who has a right to the property +which your ladyship at present possesses.' + +'Assuredly such a notion never entered my head,' said she, 'and indeed, +were such a claim made, I should consider it as utterly untenable--in +fact, impossible.' + +'I regret,' said I, 'that it is undeniable. There are documents extant, +and witnesses living, to prove it beyond all refutation.' + +Her ladyship, I thought, changed colour, as she said: + +'This is strange; but I cannot believe it. Who would have the face to +set up such a silly claim?' + +'I am so unfortunate as to have that face,' answered I, in a tone of +the most touching humility. + +'You!' she cried with amazement. 'You!' + +'Pardon me the pain I give you,' said I, 'but such is the fact; and +grating as this interview must be to the feelings of both parties, I do +assure you, that I have sought it, solely to prevent the more +disagreeable process of a law-suit.' + +'You are welcome to twenty law-suits, if you wish them,' cried she, +'but I fancy they will not deprive me of my property.' + +'At least,' said I, 'they may be the means of sullying the character of +your deceased lord.' + +'I defy the whole world,' cried she, 'to affix the slightest imputation +on his character.' + +'Surely,' said I, 'you cannot pretend ignorance of the fact, that his +lordship had the character of being--I trust, more from misfortune, +than from inherent depravity; for your ladyship well knows that man, +frail man, in a moment of temptation, perpetrates atrocities, which his +better heart afterwards disowns.' + +'But his character!' cried she. 'What of his character?' + +'Ah!' said I, 'your ladyship will not compel me to mention.' + +'You have advanced too far to retreat,' cried she. 'I demand an +unequivocal explanation. What of his character?' + +'Well, since I must speak plain,' replied I, 'it was that of +an--assassin!' + +'Merciful powers!' said she, in a faint voice, and reddening violently. +'What does the horrid woman mean?' + +'I have at this moment,' cried I, 'a person ready to make oath, that +your unhappy husband bribed a servant of my father's to murder me, +while yet an infant, in cold blood.' + +''Tis a falsehood!' cried she. 'I would stake my life on its being a +vile, malicious, diabolical falsehood.' + +'Would it were!' said I, 'but oh! Lady Gwyn, the circumstances, the +dreadful circumstances--these cannot be contradicted. It was +midnight;--the bones of my noble father had just been deposited in the +grave;--when a tall figure, wrapt in a dark cloak, and armed with a +dagger, stood before the seneschal. _It was the late Lord Gwyn!_' + +'Who are you?' cried she, starting up quite pale and horror-struck. 'In +the name of all that is dreadful, who can you be?' + +'Your own niece!' said I, meekly kneeling to receive her +blessing--'Lady Cherubina De Willoughby, the daughter of your +ladyship's deceased brother, Lord De Willoughby, and of his much +injured wife, the Lady Hysterica Belamour!' + +'Never heard of such persons in all my life!' cried she, ringing the +bell furiously. + +'Pray,' said I, 'be calm. Act with dignity in this affair. Do not +disgrace our family. On my honour, I mean to treat you with kindness. +Nay, we must positively be on terms of friendship--I make it a point. +After all, what is rank? what are riches? How vapid their charms, +compared with the heartfelt joys of truth and virtue! O, Lady Gwyn, O, +my respected aunt; I conjure you by our common ties of blood, by your +brother, who was my father, spurn the perilous toy, fortune, and retire +in time, and without exposing your lost lord, into the peaceful bosom +of obscurity!' + +'Conduct this wretch out of the house,' said her ladyship to the +servant who had entered. 'She wants to extort money from me, I +believe.' + +'A moment more,' cried I. 'Where is old Eftsoones? Where is that worthy +character?' + +'I know no such person,' said she. 'Begone, impostor!' + +At the word impostor, I smiled; drew aside my ringlets with one hand, +and pointed to my inestimable mole with the other. + +'Am I an impostor now?' cried I. 'But learn, unfortunate woman, that I +have a certain parchment too.'---- + +'And a great deal of insolence too,' said she. + +'The resemblance of it, at least,' cried I, 'for I have your ladyship's +portrait.' + +'My portrait!' said she with a sneer. + +'As sure as your name is Nell Gwyn,' cried I; 'for Nell Gwyn is written +under it; and let me add, that you would have consulted both your own +taste, and the dignity of our house better, had you got it written +Eleanor instead of Nell.' + +'You little impertinent reprobate!' exclaimed she, feeling the peculiar +poignancy of the sarcasm. 'Begone this moment, or I will have you +drummed through the village!' + +I waved my hand in token of high disdain, and vanished. + +'Well,' said Stuart, as I got to the carriage, 'has her ladyship +acknowledged your claims?' + +'No, truly,' cried I, 'but she has turned me out of my own house--think +of that!' + +'Then,' said he, springing from the chaise, 'I will try whether I +cannot succeed better with her ladyship;' and he went into the house. + +I remained in a state of the greatest perturbation till he came back. + +'Good news!' cried he. 'Her ladyship wishes to see you, and apologize +for her rudeness; and I fancy,' added he, with a significant nod, 'all +will go well in a certain affair.' + +'Yes, yes,' said I, nodding in return, 'I flatter myself she now finds +civility the best of her game.' + +I then alighted, and her ladyship ran forward to meet me. She pressed +my hand, _my-deared_ me twice in a breath, told me that Stuart had +given her my little history--that it was delicious--elegant--exotic; +and concluded with declaring, that I must remain at her house a few +days, to talk over the great object of my visit. + +Much as I mistrusted this sudden alteration in her conduct, I consented +to spend a short time with her, on the principle, that heroines always +contrive to get under the same roof with their bitterest enemies. + +Stuart appeared quite delighted at my determination, and after another +private interview with her ladyship, set off for London, to make +further inquiries about Wilkinson. I am, however, resolved not to +release that mischievous farmer, till I have secured my title and +estate. You see I am grown quite sharp. + +Her ladyship and I had then a long conversation, and she fairly +confessed the probability that my claims are just, but denied all +knowledge of old Eftsoones. I now begin to think rather better of her. +She has the sweetest temper in the world, loves literature and +perroquets, scrapes mezzotintos, and spends half her income in buying +any thing that is hardly to be had. She led me through her cabinet, +which contains the most curious assortment in nature--vases of onyx and +sardonyx, cameos and intaglios; subjects in sea-horse teeth, by +Fiamingo and Benvenuto Cellini; and antique gems in jadestone, mochoa, +coral, amber, and Turkish agate. + +She has already presented me with several dresses, and she calls me +her lovely _protégée_, and the Lady Cherubina,--a sound that makes my +very heart leap within me. Nay, she did me the honour of assuring me, +that her curiosity to know a real heroine was one motive for her +having asked me on this visit; and that she positively considers an +hour with me worth all her curiosities put together. What a delicate +compliment! So could I do less, in return, than repeat my assurances, +that when I succeed in dispossessing her of the property, she shall +never want an asylum in my house. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XXVII + + +Think of its having never once struck me, till I had retired for the +night, that I might be murdered! How so manifest a danger escaped my +recollection, is inconceivable; but so it was, I never thought of it. +Lady Gwyn might be (for any thing I could tell to the contrary) just as +capable of plotting an assassination as the Marchesa di Vivaldi; and +surely her motives were far more urgent. + +I therefore searched in my chamber, for some trap-door, or sliding +pannel, by which assassins might enter it; but I could find none. I +then resolved on exploring the galleries, corridors, and suites of +apartments, in this immense mansion; in hopes to discover some place of +retreat, or at least some mystery relative to my birth. + +Accordingly, at the celebrated hour of midnight, I took up the taper, +and unbolting my door, stole softly along the lobby. + +I stopped before one of our family pictures. It was of a lady, pale, +pensive, and interesting; and whose eyes, which appeared to look at me, +were sky-blue, like my own. That was sufficient. + +'Gentle image of my departed mother!' ejaculated I, kneeling before it, +'may thy sacred ashes repose in peace!' + +I then faintly chaunted a fragment of a hymn, and advanced. No sigh met +my listening ear, no moan amidst the pauses of the gust. + +With a trembling hand I opened a door, and found myself in a spacious +chamber. It was magnificently furnished, and a piano stood in one +corner of it. Intending to run my fingers over the keys, I walked +forward; till a low rustling in that direction made me pause. But how +shall I paint to you my horror, my dismay, when I heard the mysterious +instrument on a sudden begin to sound; not loudly, but (more terrible +still!) with a hurried murmur; as if all its chords were agitated at +once, by the hand of some invisible demon. + +I did not faint, I did not shriek; but I stood transfixed to the spot. +The music ceased. I recovered courage and advanced. The music began +again; and again I paused. + +What! should I not lift the simple lid of a mere piano, after Emily's +having drawn aside the mysterious veil, and discovered the terrific wax +doll underneath it? + +Emulation, enthusiasm, curiosity prompted me, and I rushed undaunted to +the piano. Louder and more rapid grew the notes--my desperate hand +raised the cover, and beneath it, I beheld a sight to me the most +hideous and fearful upon earth,--a mouse! + +I screamed and dropped the candle, which was instantly extinguished. +The mouse ran by me; I flew towards the door, but missed it, and fell +against a table; nor was it till after I had made much clamour, that I +got out of the room. As I groped my way through the corridor, I heard +voices and people in confusion above stairs; and presently lights +appeared. The whole house was in a tumult. + +'They are coming to murder me at last!' cried I, as I regained my +chamber, and began heaping chairs and tables against the door. +Presently several persons arrived at it, and called my name. I said not +a word. They called louder, but still I was silent; till at length they +burst open the door, and Lady Gwyn, with some of her domestics, +entered. They found me kneeling in an attitude of supplication. + +'Spare, oh, spare me!' cried I. + +'My dear,' said her ladyship, 'no harm shall happen you.' + +'Alas, then,' exclaimed I, 'what portends this nocturnal visit? this +assault on my chamber? all these dreadful faces? Was it not enough, +unhappy woman, that thy husband attempted my life, but must thou, too, +thirst for my blood?' + +Lady Gwyn whispered a servant, who left the room; the rest raised, and +put me to bed; while I read her ladyship such a lecture on murder, as +absolutely astonished her. + +The servant soon after returned with a cup. + +'Here, my love,' said her ladyship, 'is a composing draught for you. +Drink it, and you will be quite well to-morrow.' + +I took it with gladness, for I felt my brain strangely bewildered by +the terror that I had just undergone. Indeed I have sometimes +experienced the same sensation before, and it is extremely +disagreeable. + +They then left a candle in my room, and departed. + +My mind still remains uneasy; but I have barricaded the door, and am +determined on not undressing. I believe, however, I must now throw +myself on the bed; for the draught has made me sleepy. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XXVIII + + +O Biddy Grimes, I am poisoned! That fatal draught last night--why did I +drink it?--I am in dreadful agony. When this reaches you, all will be +over.--But I would not die without letting you know. + +Farewell for ever, my poor Biddy! + +I bequeath you all my ornaments. + + + + +LETTER XXIX + + +Yes, my friend, you may well stare at receiving another letter from me; +and at hearing that I have not been poisoned in the least! + +I must unfold the mystery. When I woke this morning, after my nocturnal +perambulation, I found my limbs so stiff, and such pains in all my +bones, that I was almost unable to move. Judge of my horror and +despair; for it instantly flashed across my mind, that Lady Gwyn had +poisoned me! My whole frame underwent a sudden revulsion; I grew sick, +and rang the bell with violence; nor ceased an instant, till half the +servants, and Lady Gwyn herself, had burst into my chamber. + +'If you have a remnant of mercy left,' cried I, 'send for a doctor!' + +'What is the matter, my dear,' said her ladyship. + +'Only that you have poisoned me, my dear,' cried I. 'Dear, indeed! I +presume your ladyship imagines, that the liberty you have taken with my +life, authorizes all other freedoms. Oh, what will become of me!' + +'Do, tell me,' said she, 'how are you unwell?' + +'I am sick to death,' cried I. 'I have pains in all my limbs, and I +shall be a corpse in half an hour. Oh, indeed, you have done the +business completely. Lady Eleanor Gwyn, I do here, on my death-bed, and +with all my senses about me, accuse you, before your domestics, of +having administered a deadly potion to me last night.' + +'Go for the physician,' said her ladyship to a servant. + +'Well may you feel alarmed,' cried I. 'Your life will pay the forfeit +of mine.' + +'But you need not feel alarmed,' said her ladyship, 'for really, what I +gave you last night, was merely to make you sleep.' + +'Yes,' cried I, 'the sleep of the grave! O Lady Gwyn, what have I done +to you, to deserve death at your hands? And in such a manner too! Had +you even shewn so much regard to custom and common decency, as to have +offered me the potion in a bowl or a goblet, there might have been some +little palliation. But to add insult to injury;--to trick me out of my +life with a paltry tea-cup;--to poison a girl of my pretensions, as +vulgarly as you would a rat;--no, no, Madam, this is not to be +pardoned!' + +Her ladyship again began assuring me that I had taken nothing more than +a soporific; but I would not hear her, and at length, I sent her and +the domestics out of the chamber, that I might prepare for my +approaching end. + +How to prepare was the question; for I had never thought of death +seriously, heroines so seldom die. Should I follow the beautiful +precedent of the dying Heloise, who called her friends about her, got +her chamber sprinkled with flowers and perfumes, and then gave up the +ghost, in a state of elegant inebriation with home-made wine, which she +passed for Spanish? Alas! I had no friends--not even Stuart, at hand; +flowers and perfumes I would not condescend to beg from my murderess; +and as for wine, I could not abide the thoughts of it in a morning. + +But amidst these reflections, a more serious and less agreeable subject +intruded itself upon me,--the thoughts of a future state. I strove to +banish it, but it would not be repulsed. Yet surely, said I, as a +heroine, I am a pattern of perfect virtue; and therefore, I must be +happy hereafter. But was virtue sufficient? At church (seldom as I had +frequented it, in consequence of its sober ceremonies, so unsuited to +my taste,) I remembered to have heard a very different doctrine. There +I had heard, that we cannot learn to do right without the Divine aid, +and that to propitiate it, we must make ourselves acquainted with those +principles of religion, which enable us to prefer duteous prayers, and +to place implicit reliance on the power and goodness of the Deity. +Alas, I knew nothing of religion, except from novels; and in these, +though the devotion of heroines is sentimental and graceful to a +degree, it never influences their acts, or appears connected with their +moral duties. It is so speculative and generalized, that it would +answer the Greek or the Persian church, as well as the christian; and +none but the picturesque and enthusiastic part is presented; such as +kissing a cross, chanting a vesper with elevated eyes, or composing a +well-worded prayer. + +The more I thought, the more horrible appeared my situation. I felt a +confused idea, that I had led a worthless, if not a criminal life; that +I had left myself without a friend in this world, and had not sought to +make one in the next. I became more and more agitated. I tried to turn +my thoughts back to the plan of expiring with grace, but all in vain. I +then wrote the note to you; then endeavoured to pray: nothing could +calm or divert my mind. The pains grew worse, I felt sick at heart, my +palate was parched, and I now expected that every breath would be my +last. My soul recoiled from the thought, and my brain became a confused +chaos. Hideous visions of eternity rushed into my mind; I lay +shivering, groaning, and abandoned to the most deplorable despair. + +In this state the physician found me. O what a joyful relief, when he +declared, that my disorder was nothing but a violent rheumatism, +contracted, it seems, by my fall into the water the morning before! +Never was transport equal to mine; and I assured him that he should +have a place in my memoirs. + +He prescribed for me; but remarked, that I might remain ill a whole +month, or be quite well in a few days. + +'Positively,' said her ladyship, 'you must be quite well in four; for +then my ball comes on; and I mean to make you the most conspicuous +figure at it. I have great plans for you, I assure you.' + +I thanked her ladyship, and begged pardon for having been so giddy as +to call her a murderess; while she laughed at my mistake, and made +quite light of it. Noble woman! But I dare say magnanimity is our +family virtue. + +No sooner had I ceased to be miserable about leaving the world, than I +became almost as much so about losing the ball. To lose it from any +cause whatever, was sufficiently provoking; but to lose it by so gross +a disorder as a rheumatism, was, indeed, dreadful. Now, had I even some +pale, genteel, sofa-reclining illness, curable by hartshorn, I would +bless my kind stars, and drink that nauseous cordial, from morning even +unto night. For disguise thyself as thou wilt, hartshorn, still thou +art a bitter draught; and though heroines in all novels have been made +to drink of thee, thou art no less bitter on that account. + +Being on this subject, I have to lament, that I am utterly unacquainted +with those refined ailments, which every girl that I read of, meets +with, as things of course. The consequence is my wanting that beauty, +which, touched with the languid delicacy of illness, gains from +sentiment what it loses in bloom; so that really this horse's +constitution of mine is a terrible disadvantage to me. I know, had I +the power of inventing my own indispositions, I would strike out +something far beyond even the hectics and head-aches of my fair +predecessors. I believe there is not a sigh-fever; but I would fall ill +of a scald from a lover's tear, or a classic scratch from the thorn of +a rose. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XXX + + +This morning I awoke almost free from pain; and towards evening, I was +able to appear in the drawing-room. Lady Gwyn had asked several of her +friends to tea, so that I passed a delightful afternoon; the charm, +admiration, and astonishment of all. + +On retiring for the night to my chamber, I found this note on my +toilette, and read it with a beating heart. + + _To the Lady Cherubina._ + + 'YOUR MOTHER LIVES! and is confined in one of the subterranean + vaults belonging to the villa. At midnight you will hear a tapping + at your door. Open it, and two men in masks will appear outside. + They will blindfold, and conduct you to her. You will know her by + her striking likeness to her picture in the gallery. Be silent, + courageous, and circumspect. + + 'AN UNKNOWN FRIEND.' + +What a flood of new feelings gushed upon my soul, as I laid down the +billet, and lifted my filial eyes to heaven! I was about to behold my +mother. Mother--endearing name! I pictured to myself, that unfortunate +lady, stretched on a mattrass of straw, her eyes sunken in their +sockets, yet still retaining a portion of their wonted fire; her frame +emaciated, her voice feeble, her hand damp and chill. Fondly did I +depict our meeting--our embrace; she gently pushing me from her, to +gaze on all the lineaments of my countenance, and then baring my temple +to search for the mole. All, all is convincing; and she calls me the +softened image of my noble father! + +Two tedious hours I waited in extreme anxiety, till at length the clock +struck twelve. My heart beat responsive, and in a few moments after, I +heard the promised signal at my door. I unbolted it, and beheld two men +in masks and cloaks. They blindfolded me, and each taking an arm, led +me along. Not a word passed. We traversed several suites of apartments, +ascended flights of stairs, descended others; now went this way, now +that; obliquely, circularly, angularly; till I began actually to +imagine we were all the time in one spot. + +At length my conductors stopped. + +'Unlock the postern gate,' whispered one, 'while I light a torch.' + +'We are betrayed!' said the other, 'for this is the wrong key.' + +'Then thou beest the traitor,' cried the first. + +'Thou liest, dost lie, and art lying!' cried the second. + +'Take that!' exclaimed the first. A groan followed, and the wretch +dropped to the ground. + +'You have murdered him!' cried I, sickening with horror. + +'I have only hamstrung him, my lady,' said the fellow. 'He will be lame +for life.' + +'Treason!' shouted the wounded man. + +His companion burst open the gate; a sudden current of wind met us, and +we fled along with incredible speed, while low moans and smothered +shrieks were heard at either side of us. + +'Gracious heaven, where are we?' cried I. + +'In the cavern of death!' said my conductor, 'famous for rats and +banditti.' + +On a sudden innumerable footsteps echoed behind us. We ran swifter. + +'Fire!' cried a ferocious accent, almost at my ear; and in a moment +several pistols were discharged. + +I stopped, unable to move, breathe, or speak. + +'I am wounded all over, right and left, fore and aft!' cried my +conductor. + +'Am I bleeding?' said I, feeling myself with my hands. + +'No, blessed St. Anthony be praised!' answered he; 'and now all is +safe, for we are at the cell, and the banditti have turned into the +wrong passage.' + +He stopped, and unlocked a door. + +'Enter,' said he, 'and behold your unhappy mother!' + +He led me forward, took the bandage from my eyes, and retiring, locked +the door upon me. + +Agitated already by the terrors of my dangerous expedition, I felt +additional horror on finding myself in a dismal cell, lighted with a +lantern; where, at a small table, sat a woman suffering under a +corpulency unparalleled in the memoirs of human monsters. She was clad +in sackcloth, her head was swathed in linen, and had grey locks on it, +like horses' tails. Hundreds of frogs were leaping about the floor; a +piece of mouldy bread, a mug of water, and a manuscript, lay on the +table; some straw, strewn with dead snakes and skulls, occupied one +corner, and the farther side of the cell was concealed behind a black +curtain. + +I stood at the door, doubtful, and afraid to advance; while the +prodigious prisoner sat examining me from head to foot. + +At last I summoned courage to say, 'I fear, Madam, I am an intruder +here. I have certainly been shewn into the wrong room.' + +'It is, it is my own, my only daughter, my Cherubina!' cried she, with +a tremendous voice. 'Come to my maternal arms, thou living picture of +the departed Theodore!' + +'Why, Ma'am,' said I, 'I would with great pleasure, but I am afraid +that---- Oh, Madam, indeed, indeed, I am quite sure you cannot be my +mother!' + +'For shame!' cried she. 'Why not?' + +'Why, Madam,' answered I, 'my mother was of a thin habit; as her +picture proves.' + +'And so was I once,' said she. 'This deplorable plumpness is owing to +want of exercise. You see, however, that I retain all my former +paleness.' + +'Pardon me,' said I, 'for I must say that your face is a rich scarlet.' + +'And is this our tender meeting?' cried she. 'After ten years' +imprisonment, to be disowned by my daughter, and taunted with sarcastic +insinuations against my face? Here is a pretty joke! Tell me, girl, +will you embrace me, or will you not?' + +'Indeed, Madam,' answered I, 'I will embrace you presently.' + +'Presently!' cried she. + +'Yes,' said I, 'depend upon it I will. Only let me get over the first +shock.' + +'Shock!' vociferated she. + +Dreading her violence, and feeling myself bound to do the duties of a +daughter, I kneeled at her feet, and said: + +'Ever excellent, ever exalted author of my being, I beg thy maternal +blessing!' + +My mother raised me from the ground, and hugged me to her heart, with +such cruel vigour, that almost crushed, I cried out stoutly, and +struggled for release. + +'And now,' said she, relaxing her grasp, 'let us talk over our wrongs. +This manuscript is a faithful narrative of my life, previous to my +marriage. It was written by my female confidant, to divert her grief, +during the long and alarming illness of her Dutch pug. Take it to your +chamber, and blot it with your tears, my love.' + +I put the scroll in my bosom. + +'Need I shock your gentle feelings,' continued she, 'by relating my +subsequent story? Suffice it, that as soon as you were stolen, I went +mad about the woods, till I was caught; and on recovering my senses, I +found myself in this infernal dungeon. Look at that calendar of small +sticks, notched all over with my dismal days and nights. Ten long years +I have eaten nothing but bread. Oh, ye favourite pullets, oh ye +inimitable apple-pies, shall I never, never, taste you more? Oft too, +my reason wanders. Oft I see figures that rise like furies, to torment +me. I see them when asleep; I see them now--now!' + +She sat in a fixed attitude of horror, while her straining eyes moved +slowly round, as if they followed something. I stood shuddering, and +hating her more and more every moment. + +'Gentle companion of my confinement!' cried she, apostrophizing a huge +toad that she pulled out of her bosom; 'dear, spotted fondling; thou, +next to my Cherubina, art worthy of my love. Embrace each other, my +friends.' And she put the hideous pet into my hand. I screamed and +dropped it. + +'Oh!' cried I, in a passion of despair, 'what madness possessed me to +undertake this execrable enterprize!' and I began beating with my hand +against the door. + +'Do you want to leave your poor mother?' said she, in a whimpering +tone. + +'Oh! I am so frightened!' said I. + +'You will spend the night here, however,' cried she; 'and probably your +whole life too; for no doubt the ruffian who brought you hither was +employed by Lady Gwyn to entrap you.' + +When I heard this terrible suggestion, my blood ran cold, and I began +crying bitterly. + +'Come, my love!' said my mother, 'and let me lull thee to repose on my +soft bosom. What is the world to us? Here in each other's society, we +will enjoy all that affection, all that virtue can confer. Come, my +daughter, and let me clasp thee to my heart once more!' + +'Ah,' cried I, 'spare me!' + +'What!' exclaimed she, 'do you spurn my proffered embrace?' + +'Dear, no, Madam,' answered I. 'But--but you squeeze one so!' + +My mother made a huge stride towards me; then stood groaning and +rolling her eyes. + +'Help!' cried I, half frantic; 'help! help!' + +I was stopped by a suppressed titter of infernal laughter, as if from +many demons; and on looking towards the black curtain, whence the sound +came, I saw it agitated; and about twenty terrific faces appeared +peeping through slits in it, and making grins of a most diabolical +nature. I hid my face in my hands. + +''Tis the banditti!' cried my mother. + +As she spoke, the door opened, a bandage was flung over my eyes, and I +was hurried off, almost senseless, in some one's arms; till at length, +I found myself alone in my own chamber. + +Such was the detestable adventure of to-night. Oh, Biddy, that I should +have lived to meet this mother of mine! How different from the mothers +that other heroines contrive to rummage out in northern turrets and +ruined chapels! I am out of all patience. Liberate her I will, of +course, and make a suitable provision for her, when I get possession of +my property, but positively, never will I sleep under the same roof +with--(ye powers of filial love forgive me!) such a living mountain of +human horror. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XXXI + + +While her ladyship is busied in preparing for the ball of to-morrow +night, I find time to copy my mother's memoirs for your perusal. Were +she herself elegant and interesting, perhaps I might think them so too; +and if I dislike them, it must be because I dislike her; for the plot, +sentiment, diction, and pictures of nature, differ little from what we +find in other novels. + + + + + _Il Castello di Grimgothico_, + + OR + + MEMOIRS OF LADY HYSTERICA BELAMOUR. + + A NOVEL. + + _By Anna Maria Marianne Matilda Pottingen_, + + Author of the Bloody Bodkin, Sonnets on most of the Planets, &c. + &c. &c. + + Oh, Sophonisba, Sophonisba, oh! + + THOMPSON. + + + + + CHAPTER I + + Blow, blow, thou wintry wind.--SHAKESPEARE. + + Blow, breezes, blow.--MOORE. + + A STORM.--A RUSTIC REPAST.--AN ALARM.--UNCOMMON READINESS IN A + CHILD.--AN INUNDATED STRANGER.--A CASTLE OUT OF REPAIR.--AN + IMPAIRED CHARACTER. + + + It was on a nocturnal night in autumnal October; the wet rain fell + in liquid quantities, and the thunder rolled in an awful and + Ossianly manner. The lowly, but peaceful inhabitants of a small, + but decent cottage, were just sitting down to their homely, but + wholesome supper, when a loud knocking at the door alarmed them. + Bertram armed himself with a ladle. 'Lackadaisy!' cried old + Margueritone, and little Billy seized the favourable moment to fill + his mouth with meat. Innocent fraud! happy childhood! + + The father's lustre and the mother's bloom.--THOMPSON. + + Bertram then opened the door; when lo! pale, breathless, dripping, + and with a look that would have shocked the Humane Society, a + beautiful female tottered into the room. + + 'Lackadaisy, Ma'am,' said Margueritone, 'are you wet?' + + 'Wet!' exclaimed the fair unknown, wringing a rivulet of rain from + the corner of her robe; 'O ye gods, wet!' + + Margueritone felt the justice, the gentleness of the reproof, and + turned the subject, by recommending a glass of spirits. + + Spirit of my sainted sire. + + The stranger sipped, shook her head, and fainted. Her hair was long + and dark, and the bed was ready; so since she seems in distress, we + will leave her there awhile; lest we should betray an ignorance of + the world, in appearing not to know the proper time for deserting + people. + + On the rocky summit of a beetling precipice, whose base was lashed + by the angry Atlantic, stood a moated, and turreted structure, + called Il Castello di Grimgothico. + + As the northern tower had remained uninhabited since the death of + its late lord, Henriques De Violenci, lights and figures were, + _par consequence_, observed in it at midnight. Besides, the + black eyebrows of the present baron had a habit of meeting for + several years, and _quelquefois_, he paced the picture-gallery + with a hurried step. These circumstances combined, there could be + no doubt of his having committed murder. Accordingly, all avoided + him, except the Count Stiletto, and the hectic, but heavenly + Hysterica. The former, he knew, was the most pale-faced, flagitious + character in the world. But birds of a plume associate. The latter + shall be presented to the reader in the next chapter. + + + + + CHAPTER II + + 'Oh!'--MILTON. + + 'Ah!'--POPE. + + A HISTORY.--A MYSTERY.--AN ORIGINAL REFLECTION ON DEATH.--THE + HEROINE DESCRIBED.--THE LANDSCAPE NOT DESCRIBED.--AN AWFUL REASON + GIVEN. + + + One evening, the Baroness De Violenci, having sprained her left leg + in the composition of an ecstatic ode, resolved not to go to Lady + Penthesilea Rouge's rout. While she was sitting alone, at a plate + of prawns, the footman entered with a basket, which had just been + left for her. + + 'Lay it down, John,' said she, touching his forehead with her fork. + + That gay-hearted young fellow did as he was desired, and capered + out of the room. + + Judge of her astonishment, when she found, on opening it, a little + cherub of a baby sleeping within. + + An oaken cross, with 'HYSTERICA,' inscribed in chalk, was appended + at its neck, and a mark, like a bruised gooseberry, added interest + to its elbow. + + As she and her lord never had children (at least she could answer + for herself), she determined, _sur le champ_, on adopting the + pretty Hysterica. + + Fifteen years did this worthy woman dedicate to the progress of her + little charge; and in that time, taught her every mortal + accomplishment. Her sigh, particularly, was esteemed the softest in + Europe. + + But the stroke of death is inevitable; come it must at last, and + neither virtue nor wisdom can avoid it. In a word, the good old + Baroness died, and our heroine fell senseless on her body. + + O what a fall was there, my countrymen! + + But it is now time to describe our heroine. As Milton tells us, + that Eve was '_more lovely than Pandora_' (an imaginary lady, + who never existed but in the brains of poets), so do we declare, + and are ready to stake our lives, that our heroine excelled in her + form the Timinitilidi, whom no man ever saw; and, in her voice, the + music of the spheres, which no man ever heard. Perhaps her face was + not perfect; but it was more--it was interesting--it was oval. Her + eyes were of the real, original old blue; and her eyelashes of the + best silk. You forget the thickness of her lips, in the casket of + pearls which they enshrined; and the roses of York and Lancaster + were united in her cheek. A nose of the Grecian order surmounted + the whole. Such was Hysterica. + + But alas! misfortunes are often gregarious, like sheep. For one + night, when our heroine had repaired to the chapel, intending to + drop her customary tear on the tomb of her sainted benefactress, + she heard on a sudden, + + Oh, horrid, horrible, and horridest horror! + + the distant organ peal a solemn voluntary. While she was preparing, + in much terror and astonishment, to accompany it with her voice, + four men in masks rushed from among some tombs, and bore her to a + carriage, which instantly drove off with the whole party. In vain + she sought to soften them by swoons, tears, and a simple little + ballad: they sat counting murders, and not minding her. + + As the blinds of the carriage were closed the whole way, we wave a + description of the country which they traversed. Besides, the + prospect within the carriage will occupy the reader enough; for in + one of the villains, Hysterica discovered--Count Stiletto! She + fainted. + + On the second day, the carriage stopped at an old castle, and she + was conveyed into a tapestried apartment, where the delicate + creature instantly fell ill of an inverted eyelash, caused by + continual weeping. She then drew upon the contemplation of future + sorrows, for a supply of that melancholy which her immediate + exigencies demanded. + + + + + CHAPTER III + + Be thou a spirit of health, or goblin + damn'd?--SHAKESPEARE. + + FRESH EMBARRASSMENTS.--AN INSULT FROM A SPECTRE.--GRAND + DISCOVERIES.--A SHRIEK.--A TEAR.--A SIGH.--A BLUSH.--A SWOON. + + + It is a remark founded upon the nature of man, and universally + credited by the thinking part of the world, that to suffer is an + attribute of mortality. + + Impressed with a due conviction of this important precept, our + heroine but smiled as she heard Stiletto lock her door. It was now + midnight, and she took up her lamp to examine the chamber. Rusty + daggers, mouldering bones, and ragged palls, lay scattered in all + the profusion of feudal plenty. + + Several horrors now made their appearance; but the most uncommon + was a winged eyeball that fluttered before her face. + + Say, little, foolish, fluttering thing? + + She began shrieking and adjusting her hair at a mirror, when lo! + she beheld the reflection of a ghastly visage peeping over her + shoulder! Much disconcerted, the trembling girl approached the bed. + An impertinent apparition, with a peculiar nose, stood there, and + made faces at her. She felt offended at the freedom, to say nothing + of her being half dead with fright. + + 'Is it not enough,' thought she, 'to be harassed by beings of this + world, but those of the next too must think proper to interfere? I + am sure,' said she, as she raised her voice in a taunting manner, + '_En verité_, I have no desire to meddle with _their_ affairs. + _Sur ma vie_, I have no taste for brim-stone. So let me just + advise a _certain_ inhabitant of a _certain_ world (not the + _best_, I believe,) to think less of _my_ concerns, and more of + _his own_.' + + Having thus asserted her dignity, without being too personal, she + walked to the casement in tears, and sang these simple lines, which + she graced with intermittent sobs. + + SONG + + Alas, well-a-day, woe to me, + Singing willow, willow, willow; + My lover is far, far at sea. + On a billow, billow, billow. + Ah, Theodore, would thou could'st be, + On my pillow, pillow, pillow! + + Here she heaved a deep sigh, when, to her utter astonishment, a + voice, as if from a chamber underneath; took up the tune with these + words: + + SONG + + Alas, well-a-day, woe to me, + Singing sorrow, sorrow, sorrow; + A ducat would soon make me free, + Could I borrow, borrow, borrow; + And then I would pillow with thee, + To-morrow, morrow, morrow! + + Was it?--It was!--Yes, it _was_ the voice of her love, her life, + her long-lost Theodore De Willoughby!!! How should she reach him? + Forty times she ran round and round her chamber, with agitated + eyes and distracted tresses. + + Here we must pause a moment, and express our surprise at the + negligence of the sylphs and sylphids, in permitting the ringlets + of heroines to be so frequently dishevelled. O ye fat-cheeked + little cherubims, who flap your innocent wings, and fly through + oceans of air in a minute, without having a hair of your heads + discomposed,--no wonder that such stiff ringlets should be made of + gold! + + At length Hysterica found a sliding pannel. She likewise found a + moth-eaten parchment, which she sat down to peruse. But, gentle + reader, imagine her emotions, on decyphering these wonderful words. + + MANUSCRIPT + + ---- Six tedious years ---- ---- and all for what? ---- ---- + ---- ---- ---- ---- No sun, no moon. ---- ---- Murd ---- ---- + Adul ---- ---- because I am the wife of Lord Belamour. ---- + ---- then tore me from him, and my little Hysterica ---- ---- + ---- ---- ---- Cruel Stiletto! ---- ---- He confesses that he + put the sleeping babe into a basket ---- ---- sent her to the + Baroness de Violenci ---- ---- oaken cross ---- ---- Chalk ---- + ---- bruised gooseberry ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- I am poisoned + ---- ---- a great pain across my back ---- ---- i ---- j ---- k + ---- ---- Oh! ---- Ah! ---- Oh! ---- ---- ---- ---- + + _Fascinante Peggina Belamour._ + + This then was the mother of our heroine; and the MS. elucidated, + beyond dispute, the mysteries which had hitherto hung over the + birth of that unfortunate orphan. + + We need not add that she fainted, recovered, passed through the + pannel, discovered the dungeon of her Theodore; and having asked + him how he did, + + 'Comment vous portez vous?' + + fell into unsophisticated hysterics. + + + + + CHAPTER IV + + Sure such a pair were never seen, + So justly formed to meet by nature.--SHERIDAN. + + A TENDER DIALOGUE.--AN INTERESTING FLIGHT.--A MISCHIEVOUS CLOUD. + --OUR HERO HITS UPON A SINGULAR EXPEDIENT.--FAILS.--TAKES A + TRIP TO THE METROPOLIS. + + + 'And is this you?' cried the delighted youth, as she revived. + + 'Indeed, indeed it is,' said she. + + 'Are you quite, quite sure?' cried he. + + 'Indeed, indeed I am,' said she. + + 'Well, how do you do?' cried he. + + 'Pretty well I thank you,' said she. + + They then separated, after fixing to meet again. + + One night, as they were indulging each other in innocent + endearments, and filling up each finer pause with lemonade, a + sudden thought struck Lord Theodore. + + 'Let us escape,' said he. + + 'Let us,' said she. + + 'Gods, what a thought was there!' + + They then contrived this ingenious mode of accomplishing their + object. In one of the galleries which lay between their chambers, + there was a window. Having opened it, they found that they had + nothing to do but get out at it. They therefore fled into the + neighbouring forest. + + Happy, happy, happy pair!--DRYDEN. + + But it is an incontrovertible truism, that _les genres humains_ + are liable to disaster; for in consequence of a cloud that + obscured the moon, Hysterica fell into a snow-pit. What could + Theodore do? To save her was impossible; to perish with her would + be suicide. In this emergency, he formed a bold project, and ran + two miles for assistance. But alas! on his return, not a trace of + her could be found. He was quite _au desespoir_; so, having called + her long enough, he called a chaise, and set off for London. + + + + + CHAPTER V + + 'Tis she!--POPE. + + O Vous!--TELEMACHUS. + + All hail!--MACBETH. + + AN EXTRAORDINARY RENCONTRE.--PATHETIC REPARTEES.--NATURAL + CONSEQUENCES RESULTING FROM AN EXCESS IN SPIRITUOUS LIQUORS. + --TERRIFIC NONSENSE TALKED BY TWO MANIACS. + + + One night as Lord Theodore, on his return from the theatre, was + passing along a dark alley, he perceived a candle lighting in a + small window, on the ground-floor of a deciduous hovel. + + An indescribable sensation, an unaccountable something, whispered + to him, in still, small accents, 'peep through the pane.' He did + so; but what were his emotions, when he beheld--whom? Why the very + young lady that he had left for dead in the forest--his + Hysterica!!! + + She was clearstarching in a dimity bedgown. + + He sleeked his eyebrows with his finger, then flung open the sash, + and stood before her. + + '_Ah, ma belle Amie!_' cried he. 'So I have caught you at last. I + really thought you were dead.' + + 'I am dead to love and to hope!' said she. + + 'O ye powers!' cried he, making a blow at his forehead. + + 'There are many kinds of powers,' said she carelessly: 'perhaps you + now mean the powers of impudence, Mr.--I beg pardon--Lord Theodore + De Willoughby, I believe.' + + 'I believe so,' retorted he, 'Mrs.--or rather Lady + Hys--Hys--Hys.'-- + + 'Hiss away, my lord!' exclaimed the sensitive girl, and fainted. + + Lord Theodore rushed at a bottle that stood on the dresser, and + poured half a pint of it into her mouth; but perceiving by the + colour that it was not water, he put it to his lips;--it was + brandy. In a paroxysm of despair he swallowed the contents; and at + the same moment Hysterica woke from her fainting-fit, in a high + delirium. + + 'What have you done to me?' stammered she. 'Oh! I am lost.' 'What!' + exclaimed the youth, who had also got a brain-fever; 'after my + preserving you in brandy?' 'I am happy to hear it,' lisped she; + 'and every thing round me seems to be happy, for every thing round + me seems to be dancing!' + + Both now began singing, with dreadful facetiousness; he, 'fill the + bowl,' and she, 'drink to me only.' + + At length they sang themselves asleep. + + + + + CHAPTER VI + + Take him for all in all, + We ne'er shall look upon his like again.--SHAKESPEARE. + + BIRTH, PARENTAGE, AND EDUCATION OF OUR HERO.--AN ASPIRING + PORTER.--ECLAIRCISSEMENT. + + + Lord Theodore De Willoughby was the son of Lord De Willoughby, of + De Willoughby Castle. After having graduated at Oxford, he took, + not alone a tour of the Orkney Islands, but an opportunity of + saving our heroine's life. Hence their mutual attachment. About the + same time, Count Stiletto had conceived a design against that poor + orphan; and dreading Lord Theodore as a rival, waylaid and + imprisoned him. + + But to return. + + Next morning, the lovers woke in full possession of their + faculties, when the happiest _denouement_ took place. Hysterica + told Theodore that she had extricated herself from the snow, at + the risk of her life. In fact, she was obliged to pelt it away in + balls, and Theodore now recollected having been hit with one, + during his search for her. Fearful of returning to the castle, she + walked _à Londres_; and officiated there in the respective + capacities of cook, milliner, own woman, and washerwoman. Her + honour too, was untarnished, though a hulking porter had paid her + the most delicate attentions, and assured her that Theodore was + married to cruel Barbara Allen. + + Theodore called down several stars to witness his unalterable love; + and, as a farther proof of the fact, offered to marry her the next + day. + + Her former scruples (the mysterious circumstances of her birth) + being now removed, she beamed an inflammatory glance, and + consented. He deposited a kiss on her cheek, and a blush was the + rosy result. He therefore repeated the application. + + + + + CHAPTER VII + + Sure such a day as this was never seen!--THOMAS THUMB. + + The day, th' important day!--ADDISON. + + O giorno felice!--ITALIAN. + + RURAL SCENERY.--THE BRIDAL COSTUME.--OLD FRIENDS.--LITTLE BILLY + GREATLY GROWN.--THE MARRIAGE.--A SCENE OF MORTALITY.--CONCLUSION. + + + The morning of the happy day destined to unite our lovers was + ushered into the world with a blue sky, and the ringing of bells. + Maidens, united in bonds of amity and artificial roses, come + dancing to the pipe and tabor; while groups of children and + chickens add hilarity to the unison of congenial minds. On the left + of the village are seen plantations of tufted turnips; on the right + a dilapidated dog-kennel, + + With venerable grandeur marks the scene; + + while every where the delighted eye catches monstrous mountains and + minute daisies. In a word, + + All nature wears one universal grin. + + The procession now set forward to the church. The bride was habited + in white drapery. Ten signs of the Zodiac, worked in spangles, + sparkled round its edge, but Virgo was omitted at her own desire; + and the bridegroom proposed to dispense with Capricorn. Sweet + delicacy! She held a pot of myrtle in her hand, and wore on her + head a small lighted torch, emblematical of Hymen. The boys and + girls bounded about her, and old Margueritone begged the favour of + lighting her pipe at her la'ship's head. + + 'Aha, I remember you!' said little Billy, pointing his plump and + dimpled finger at her. She remarked how tall he was grown, and took + him in her arms; while he playfully beat her with an infinitude of + small thumps. + + The marriage ceremony passed off with great spirit; and the fond + bridegroom, as he pressed her to his heart, felt how pure, how + delicious are the joys of virtue. + + That evening, he gave a _fête champetre_ to the peasantry; and, + afterwards, a magnificent supper to his friends. + + The company consisted of Lord Lilliput, Sir James Brobdignag, + little Billy, Anacharsis Clootz, and Joe Miller. + + Nothing, they thought, could add to their happiness; but they were + miserably mistaken. A messenger, pale as Priam's, rushed into the + room, and proclaimed Lord Theodore a peer of Great Britain, as his + father had died the night before. + + All present congratulated Lord De Willoughby on this prosperous + turn of affairs; while himself and his charming bride exchanged a + look that spoke volumes. + + Little Billy then pledged him in a goblet of Falernian; but he very + properly refused, alleging, that as the dear child was in love with + Hysterica, he had probably poisoned the wine, in a fit of jealousy. + The whole party were in raptures at this mark of his lordship's + discretion. + + After supper, little Billy rose, and bowing gracefully to the + bride, stabbed himself to the heart. + + Our readers may now wish to learn what became of the remaining + personages in this narrative. + + Count Stiletto is dead; Lord Lilliput is no more; Sir James + Brobdignag has departed this life; Anacharsis Clootz is in his + grave; and Mr. J. Miller is in another, and we trust, a better + world. + + Old Margueritone expired with the bible in her hand, and the + coroner's inquest brought in a verdict of lunacy. + + Having thus conducted our lovers to the summit of human happiness, + we shall take leave of our readers with this moral reflection:-- + + THE FALLING OUT OF LOVERS IS THE RENEWAL OF LOVE. + + THE END. + + +I must now leave you to prepare my dress for the ball. The ball-room, +which occupies an entire wing of the house, is full of artists and +workmen; but her ladyship will not permit me to see it till the night +of the dance; as, she says, she means to surprise me with its +splendour. Cynics may say what they will against expensive decorations; +but in my opinion, whatever tends to promote taste in the fine arts +(and a mental is in some degree productive of a moral taste); whatever +furnishes artizans with employment, and excites their emulation, must +improve the condition of society. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XXXII + + +The morning of the ball, I awoke without any remains of my late +indisposition, except that captivating paleness, that sprinkling of +lilies, which adds to interest without detracting from beauty. + +I rose with the sun, and taking a small china vase in my hand, tripped +into the parterre, to collect the fresh and fragrant dew that glistened +on the blossoms. I filled the piece of painted earth with the nectar of +the sky, and returned. + +During the day, I took nothing but honey, milk, and dried conserves; a +repast the most likely to promote that ethereal character which I +purposed adopting at night. + +Towards evening, I laved my limbs in a tepid bath; and as soon as the +sun had waved his last crimson banner in the west, I began my toilette. + +So variable is fashion, that I determined not to dress according to its +existing laws; since they might be completely exploded in a month; and, +at all events, by the time my life is written, they will have become +quite antiquated. For instance, do we not already abhor Evelina's and +Harriet Byron's powdered, pomatumed, and frizzled hair? It was, +therefore, my plan to dress in imitation of classical models, and to +copy the immortal toilette of Greece. + +Having first divested myself from head to foot of every habiliment, I +took a long piece of the finest cambric, and twice wound it gracefully +round my shoulders and bosom, and twice enveloped my form in its folds; +which, while they delineated the outline of my shape, veiled the +tincture of my skin. I then flung over it a drapery of embroidered +gauze, and its unimplicated simplicity gave to my perfect figure the +spirit of an antique statue. An apparent tissue of woven air, it fell +like a vapour round me. A zone of gold and a clasp prettily imprisoned +my waist; and my graceful arms, undegraded by gloves, were bare to the +shoulder. Part of my hair was confined by a bodkin, and part floated +over my neck in native ringlets. As I could not well wear my leg naked, +I drew on it a texture of woven silk; and laced a pair of sandals over +my little foot; which resembled that of a youthful Thetis, or of a +fugitive Atalanta. + +I then bathed my face with the dew which I had gathered in the morning, +poured on my hair and bosom the balmy waters of the distilled rose, and +sprinkled my drapery with fragrant floods of lavender; so that I might +be said to move in an ambient atmosphere of odours. + +Behold me now, dressed to a charm, to a criticism. Here was no sloping, +or goring, or seaming, or frilling, or flouncing. Detestable mechanism +of millinery! No tedious papillotes, or unpoetical pins were here. All +was done, in a few minutes, with a clasp, a zone, and a bodkin. + +As I surveyed my form in the mirror, I was enraptured at its Sylphic +delicacy; but I trembled to reflect, that the fairest flowers are the +most fragile. You would imagine that a maiden's sigh could dissipate +the drapery; and its aerial effect was as if a fairy were to lift the +filmy gossamer on her spear, and lightly fling it over a rose-bud. + +Resolving not to make myself visible till all the guests had arrived, I +sat down and read Ossian, to store my mind with ideas for conversation. +I love Ossian, it is so sublime, so bewildered, so full of a blue and +white melancholy; of ghosts, and the four elements. I likewise turned +over other books; for, as I had never mixed in fashionable society, I +could not talk that nothingness, which is every thing in high life. +Nor, indeed, if I could, would I; because, as a heroine, it was my part +to converse with point, flowers, and sublimation. + +About to appear in a world where all was new to me; ignorant of its +forms, inexperienced in its rules; fair, young, and original, I +resolved on adopting such manners as should not be subject to place, +time, accident, or fashion. In short, to copy universal, generalized, +unsophisticated nature, and Grecian statues. + +As I had studied elegance of attitude before I knew the world, my +graces were original, and all my own creation; so that if I had not the +temporary mannerisms of a marchioness, I had, at least, the immortal +movements of a seraph. Words may become obsolete, but the language of +gesture is universal and eternal. + +As for smiles, I felt myself perfect mistress of all that were ever +ascribed to heroines;--the fatal smile, the smile such as precedes the +dissolution of sainted goodness, the fragment of a broken smile, and +the sly smile that creates the little dimple on the left side of the +little mouth. + +At length the most interesting moment of my life arrived; the moment +when I was to burst, like a new planet, on the fashionable hemisphere. +I descended the stairs, and pausing at the door, tried to tranquillize +my fluttered spirits. I then assumed an air-lifted figure, scarcely +touching the ground, and glided into the room. + +The company were walking in groups, or sitting. + +'That is she;--there she is;--look, look!' was whispered on all sides. +Every eye fixed itself upon me, while I felt at once elevated and +opprest. + +Lady Gwyn advanced, took my hand, and paying me the highest compliments +on my appearance, led me to a sofa, at the upper end of the room. A +semicircle of astonished admirers, head over head, ranged itself in my +front, and a smile of glowing approbation illuminated the faces of all. +There I sat, in all the bashful diffidence of a simple and +inexperienced recluse, trembling for myself, fearing for others, +systematically suppressing my feelings, impulsively betraying them; +while, with an expression of sweet wildness, and retiring +consciousness, was observable a degree of susceptibility too exquisite +to admit of lasting peace. + +At last a spruce and puny fop stepped from amidst the group, and seated +himself beside me. + +'This was a fine day, Ma'am,' said he, as he admired the accurate turn +of his ankle. + +'Yes,' answered I, 'halcyon was the morn, when I strayed into the +garden, to gather flowery dew; and it seemed as if the twins of Latona +had met to propitiate their rites. Blushes, like their own roses, +coloured the vapours; and rays, pure as their thoughts, silvered the +foliage.' + +The company murmured applause. + +'What a pity,' said he, 'that this evening was wet; as in consequence +of it, we have probably lost another beautiful description from you.' + +'Ah, my good friend,' cried I, wreathing my favourite smile; and laying +the rosy tip of my finger on his arm; 'such is the state of man. His +morning rises in sunshine, and his evening sets in rain.' + +While the company were again expressing their approbation, I overheard +one of them whisper to the fop: + +'Come, play the girl off, and let her have your best nonsense.' + +The fop winked at him, and then turned to me; while I sat shocked and +astonished, but collecting all my powers. + +'See,' said he, 'how you have fascinated every eye. Actually you are +the queen-bee; with all your swarm about you.' + +'And with my drone too,' said I, bowing slightly. + +'Happy in being a drone,' said he, 'so he but sips of your honey.' + +'Rather say,' cried I, 'that he deserves my sting.' + +'Ah,' said he, laying his hand on his heart; 'your eyes have fixed a +sting here.' + +'Then your tongue,' returned I, 'is rather more innocent; for though it +may have the venom of a sting, it wants the point.' + +The company laughed, and he coloured. + +'Do I tease you?' said he, trying to rally. 'How cruel! Actually I am +so abashed, as you may see, that my modesty flies into my face.' + +'Then,' said I, 'your modesty must be very hard run for a refuge.' + +Here the room echoed with acclamations. + +'I am not at a loss for an answer,' said he, looking round him, and +forcing a smile. 'I am not indeed.' + +'Then pray let me have it,' said I, 'for folly never becomes truly +ludicrous till it tries to be pert.' + +'Bravo! Bravo!' cried an hundred voices at once, and away the little +drone flew from my hive. I tossed back my ringlets with an infantine +shake of the head, and sat as if unconscious of my triumph. + +The best of it is, that every word he said will one day appear in +print. Men who converse with a heroine ought to talk for the press, or +they will make but a silly figure in her memoirs. + +'I thank you for your spirit, my dear,' said Lady Gwyn, sitting down +beside me. 'That little puppy deserves every severity. Think of his +always sitting in his dressing-gown, a full hour after he has shaved, +that the blood may subside from his face. He protests his surprise how +men can find pleasure in running after a nasty fox; cuts out half his +own coat at his tailor's; has a smile, and a "pretty!" for every one +and every thing; sits silent till one of his four only topics is +introduced, and then lisping a descant on the last opera, the last +boxing-match, the last race, or the last play, he drains his last idea, +and has nothing at your service, for the remainder of the night, +but an assenting bow. Such insects should never come out but at +butterfly-season; and even then, only in a four-wheeled bandbox, while +monkeys strew the way with mignionette. No, I can never forgive him for +having gone to Lady Bontein's last rout in preference to mine; though +he knew that she gave her's on the same evening purposely to thin my +party.' + +'And pray,' said I, 'who is Lady Bontein?' + +'That tall personage yonder, with sorrel hair,' answered her ladyship; +'and with one shoulder of the gothic order, and the other of the +corinthian. She has now been forty years endeavouring to look handsome, +and she still thinks, that by diligent perseverance she will succeed at +last. See how she freshens her smiles, and labours to look at ease; +though she has all the awkwardness of a milkmaid, without any of the +simplicity. You must know she has pored over Latin, till her mind has +become as dead as the language itself. Then she writes well-bred +sonnets about a tear, or a primrose, or a daisy; but nothing larger +than a lark; and talks botany with the men, as she thinks that science +is a sufficient excuse for indecency. Nay, the meek creature affects +the bible too; but it is whispered, that she has often thrown it at her +footman's head, without any affectation at all. But the magnificence +of to-night will put all competition out of her power; and I have also +planned a little _Scena_, classical, appropriate, and almost unique; +not alone in order to complete my triumph over her, but to grace your +entrance into life, by conferring a peculiar mark of distinction on +you.' + +'On me!' cried I. 'What mark? I deserve no mark, I am sure.' + +'Indeed you do,' said she. 'All the world knows that you are the first +heroine in it; and the fact is, I mean to celebrate your merits +to-night, by crowning you, just as Corinne was crowned in the capitol.' + +'Dear Lady Gwyn,' cried I, panting with joy; 'sure you are not---- Ah, +are you serious?' + +'Most serious, my love,' answered she, 'and in a short time the +ceremony will commence. You may perceive that the young men and girls +have left the room. It is to prepare for the procession; and now excuse +me, as I must assist them.' + +She then hurried out, and I remained half an hour, in an agony of +anxious expectation. + +At last, I heard a confused murmur at the door, and a gentleman ran +forward from it, to clear a passage. A lane was soon formed of the +guests; and fancy my feelings, when I beheld the promised procession +entering! + +First appeared several little children, who came tripping towards me; +some with baskets of flowers, and others with vases of odorous waters, +or censers of fragrant fire. After them advanced a tall youth of noble +port, conspicuous in a scarlet robe, that trailed behind him with +graceful dignity. On his head was a plat of palm, in his left hand he +held a long wand, and in his right the destined wreath of laurel and +myrtle. Behind him came maidens, two by two, and hand in hand. They had +each a drapery of white muslin flung negligently round them, and +knotted just under the shoulder; while their luxuriant hair floated +over their bosoms. The youths came next, habited in flowing vestments +of white linen. + +The leader approached, and making profound obeisance, took my hand. I +rose, bowed, and we proceeded with a slow step out of the room; while +the children ran before us, tossing their little censers, scattering +pansies, and sprinkling liquid sweets. The nymphs and youths followed +in couples, and the company closed the procession. We crossed the hall, +ascended the winding staircase, and passed along the corridor, till we +reached the ball-room. The folding doors then flew open, as if with +wings; and a scene presented itself, which almost baffles description. + +It was a spacious apartment, oval in its form, and walled all round +with a luxuriant texture of interwoven foliage, kept compact by green +lattice-work. Branches of the broad chesnut and arbutus were relieved +with lauristinas, acacias, and mountain-ash; while here and there, +within the branches, appeared clusters of lamps, that mingled their +coloured rays, and poured a flood of lustre on the leaves. The floor +was chalked into circular compartments, and each depicted some gentle +scene of romance. There I saw Mortimer and his Amanda, Delville and his +Cecilia, Valencourt and his Emily. The ceiling was of moss, illuminated +with large circles of lamps; and from the centre of each circle, a +basket was seen peeping, and half inverted, as if about to shower its +ripe fruits and chaplets upon our heads. + +At the upper end of the room I beheld a large arbour, elevated on a +gradual slope of turf. Its outside was intertwined with jessamines, +honeysuckles, and eglantines, tufted with clumps of sunflowers, lilies, +hollyhocks, and a thousand other blossoms, and hung with clusters of +grapes, and trails of intricate ivy; while all its interior was so +studded with innumerable lamps, that it formed a resplendent arch of +variegated fire. The seat was a grassy bank, strewn with a profusion of +aromatic herbs; and the footstool was a heap of roses. Just from under +this footstool, and through the turf, came gushing a little rill, that +first tumbled its warbling waters down some rugged stones, and then +separating itself to the right and left, ran along a pebbled channel, +bordered with flowery banks, till it was lost, at either side, amidst +overshadowing branches. + +The moment I set foot in the room, a stream of invisible music, as if +from above, and softened by distance, came swelling on my enraptured +ear. Thrice we circled this enchanted chamber, and trod to the solemn +measure. I was amazed, entranced; I felt elevated to the empyrean. I +moved with the grandeur of a goddess, and the grace of a vision. + +At length my conductor led me across the little rill, into the bower. I +sat down, and he stood beside me. The children lay in groups on the +grass, while the youths and virgins ranged themselves along the +opposite side of the streamlet, and the rest of the company stood +behind them. + +The master of this august ceremony now waved his wand: the music +ceased, all was silent, and he thus began. + +'My countrymen and countrywomen. + +'Behold your Cherubina; behold the most celebrated woman in our island. +Need I recount to you all her accomplishments? Her impassioned +sensibility, her exquisite art in depicting the delicate and affecting +relations between the beauties of nature, and the deep emotions of the +soul? Need I dwell on those elegant adventures, those sorrows, and +those horrors, which she has experienced; I might almost say, sought? +Oh! no. The whole globe already resounds with them, and their fame will +descend to the most remote posterity. + +'Need I portray her eloquence, the purity of her style, and the +smoothness of her periods? Are not her ancestors illustrious? Are not +her manners fascinating? Alas! to this question, some of our hearts +beat audible response. Her's is the head of a Sappho, deficient alone +in the voluptuous languor, which should characterize the countenance of +that enamoured Lesbian. + +'To CROWN her, therefore, as the patroness of arts, the paragon of +charms, and the first of heroines, is to gratify our feelings, more +than her own; by enabling us to pay a just homage to beauty and to +virtue.' + +He ceased amidst thunders of applause. I rose;--and in an instant, it +was the stillness of death. Then with a timorous, yet ardent air, I +thus addressed the assembly. + +'My countrymen, my countrywomen! + +'I will not thank you, for I cannot. In giving me cause to be grateful, +you have taken from me the means of expressing my gratitude, for you +have overpowered me. + +'How I happen to deserve the beautiful eulogium just pronounced, I am +sure I cannot conceive. Till this flattering moment, I never knew that +the grove resounds with my praises, that my style is pure, and my head +a Sappho's. But unconsciousness of merit is the characteristic of a +heroine. + +'The gratitude, however, which my words cannot express, my deeds shall +evince; and I now pledge myself, that neither rank nor riches (which, +from my pursuits, I am peculiarly liable to) shall ever make me +unmindful of what I owe to adversity. For, from her, I have acquired +all my knowledge of the world, my sympathy, my pensiveness, and my +sensibility. Yes, since adversity thus adds to virtue, it must be a +virtue to seek adversity. + +'England, my friends, is now the depository of all that remains of +virtue;--the ark that floats upon the waters of the deluge. But what +preserves her virtuous? Her women. And whence arises their purity? From +education. + +'To you, then, my fair auditory, I would enjoin a diligent cultivation +of learning. But oh! beware what books you peruse; for, trust me, some +are as injurious as others are salutary. I cannot point out to you the +mischievous class, because I have never read them; but indubitably, the +most useful are novels and romances. Such as I am, these, these alone +have made me. These, by depicting heroines sublimated almost to +immateriality, teach the common class of womankind to reach what is +uncommon, by striving at what is unattainable; to despise the +grovelling follies and idlenesses of the mere worker of samplers, and +to contract a taste for that sensibility, whose tear is the dissolution +of pearls, whose blush is the sunbeam of the cheek, and whose sigh is +more costly than the breeze, that comes laden with oriental +frankincense.' + +I spoke, and peals of acclamation shook the bower. + +The priest of the ceremony now raises the crown on high, then lowers it +by slow degrees, and holds it suspended over my head. Letting down my +tresses, and folding my hands on my bosom, I throw myself upon my +knees, and incline forward to receive it. + +I AM CROWNED. + +At the same moment, drums, and trumpets, and shouts, burst upon my ear, +in a hurricane of triumph. The youths and maidens make obeisance; I +rise, press my hand to my heart, and bow deeply. Tears start into my +eyes. I feel far above mortality. + +Hardly had the tumult subsided when a harp was brought to the bower; +and they requested that I would sing and play an improvisatore, like +Corinne. What was I to do? for I knew nothing of the harp, but a few +chords! In this difficulty, I luckily recollected a heroine, who was +educated only by an old steward, and his old wife, in an old castle, +with an old lute; and who, notwithstanding, as soon as she stepped into +society, played and sang, like angels, by intuition. + +I therefore felt quite reassured, and sat to the harp. I struck a few +low Lydian notes, and cast a timid glance around me. At first my voice +was scarcely louder than a sigh; and my accompaniment was a harmonic +chord, swept at intervals. The words came from the moment. + +'Where is my blue-eyed chief? said the white-bosomed daughter of Erin, +as the wave kissed her foot; and wherefore went he from his weeping +maid, to the fight of heroes? She saw a dim form rise before her, like +a mist from the valley. Pale grew her cheek, as the blighted leaf in +autumn. Your lover, it shrilly shrieked, sleeps among the dead, like a +broken thistle amidst dandelions; but his spirit, like the thistly +down, has ascended into the skies. The maiden heard; she ran, she flew, +she sprang from a rock. The waves closed over her. Peace to the +daughter of Erin!' + +As I sang 'she ran, she flew,' the workings and tremblings of the +minstrel were in unison; while my winged fingers fluttered along the +chords, light as a swallow over a little lake, when he touches it with +the utmost feather of his pinion. But while I sang, 'peace to the +daughter of Erin!' my voice, as it died over the faint vibration of the +strings, had all the heart-breaking softness of an Eolian lyre; so +woeful was it, so wistful, so wildered. 'Viva! viva!' resounded through +the room. At the last cadence, I dropped one arm gently down, and +hanging the other on the harp, leaned my languishing head upon it, +while my moistened eyes were half closed. + +A sudden disturbance at the door roused me from my trance. I looked up, +and beheld--what?--Can you imagine what? No, my friend, you could not +to the day of judgment. I saw, in short, my great mother come striding +towards me, with outspread arms, and calling, 'my daughter, my +daughter!' in a voice that might waken the dead. + +My heart died within me: down I darted from the bower, and ran for +shelter behind Lady Gwyn. + +'Give me back my daughter!' vociferated the dreadful woman, advancing +close to her ladyship. + +'Oh! do no such thing!' whispered I, pulling her ladyship by the +sleeve. 'Take half--all my property; but do not be the death of me!' + +'What are you muttering there, Miss?' cried my mother, espying me. +'What makes you stand peeping over that wretch's shoulder?' + +'Indeed, Ma'am,' stammered I, 'I am--I am taking your part.' + +'Who could have presumed to liberate this woman?' cried Lady Gwyn. + +'The Condottieri,' said my mother, 'headed by the great Damno Sulphureo +Volcanoni.' + +'Then you must return to your prison, this moment,' cried Lady Gwyn. + +My mother fell on her knees, and began blubbering; while the guests got +round, and interceded for her being restored to liberty. I too thought +it my duty to say something (my mother all the time sobbing horribly); +till, at length, Lady Gwyn consented--for my sake, she said,--to set +the poor wretch free; but on this special condition, that there should +be no prosecution for false imprisonment. + +All matters being amicably adjusted, my mother begged a morsel of meat, +as she had not eaten any these ten years. In a few minutes, a small +table, furnished with a cold turkey and a decanter of wine, was laid +for her in the bower. The moment she perceived it, she ran, and seating +herself in the scene of my recent triumph, began devouring with such +avidity, that I was thunderstruck. One wing soon went; the second +shared the fate of its companion, and now she set about a large slice +of the breast. + +'What a charming appetite your dear mother has got!' said several of +the guests to me. I confessed it, but assured them that inordinate +hunger did not run in our family. Her appetite being at last satiated, +she next assailed the wine. Glass after glass disappeared with +inconceivable rapidity, and every glass went to my heart. 'She will be +quite intoxicated!' thought I; while my fears for the hereditary honour +of our house overcoming my personal terrors, I had the resolution to +steal across, and whisper: + +'Mother, if you have any regard for your daughter, and respect for your +ancestors, drink no more.' + +'No more than this decanter, upon my honour!' said she, applying it to +her lips. + +At this moment the violins struck up. + +'And now,' cried my mother, running down from the bower, 'who is for a +dance?' + +'I am,' said my friend, the little fop, advancing, and taking her hand. + +'Then,' said she, 'we will waltz, if you please.' + +Santa Maria!--Waltz! + +A circle was cleared, and they began whirling each other round at a +frightful rate,--or rather she him; for he was like a plaything in her +hands; and had he let go his grasp, I am sure he would have been flung +up among the branches, and have stuck there, like King Charles in the +oak. + +At last, while I was standing, a statue of shame, and wondering how any +human being, endowed with a common portion of reason, could act so +ridiculous a part, this miserable woman, overcome with wine and +waltzing, fell flat upon the floor; and was carried out of the room by +four grinning footmen. + +I could hold no longer: the character of my family demanded a prompt +explanation, and with tears in my eyes, I desired to be heard. Silence +was obtained. + +'I beseech of this assembly,' said I, 'to acquit me of having hand, +act, or part, in the conduct of that unfortunate person. I never even +saw her, till I came to this house; and that I may never see her again, +I pray heaven. I hate her, I dread her; and I now protest, in the most +unequivocal manner, that I do not believe her to be my mother at all. +She has no resemblance to the portrait in the gallery; and as she was +stark mad, when found in the woods, she perhaps imagined herself my +mother; for I am told that mad persons are apt to fancy themselves +great people. No, my malignant star ordained us to meet, that she might +place me in awkward situations by her vulgarity; just as Mrs. Garnet, +the supposed mother of the Beggar Girl, used to place that heroine. I +am sure this is the case; nothing can convince me to the contrary; and +therefore, I thus publicly renounce, disown, and wash my hands of her, +now and for ever.' + +The company coincided in my sentiments, and applauded my determination. + +Country dancing was then proposed: the men sauntered about the room for +partners; the mothers walked their daughters up and down, to shew their +paces; and their daughters turned away their heads when they saw their +favourites approaching to ask them. Ugliness and diamonds occupied the +top of the set; the beauties stood in the centre, and the motley +couples came last;--old bachelors with misses of fifteen; and boys, who +were glad to be thought men, with antiques, who were sorry to be called +maids. Other unfortunates, drest to a pin, yet noticed by nobody, sat +protruding the supercilious lip at a distance. + +And now the merry maze commenced. But what mutilated steps, what +grotesque graces! One girl sprang and sprawled to the terror of every +ankle; and with a clear idea of space, shewed that she had no notion of +time. Another, not deigning to dance, only moved; while her poor +partner was seen helping her in, like a tired jade to the distance +post. This bartered elegance for a flicflac; that swam down the set; a +third cut her way through it; and a fourth, who, by her longevity, +could not be dancing for a husband, appeared, by her earnestness, to be +dancing for her life. + +All this delighted me highly, for it would shew my graces to the +greater advantage. My partner was the gentleman who had crowned me; and +now, when our turn to dance down came, a general whisper among the +spectators, and their sudden hurry towards me, proved that much was +expected from my performance. I would not disappoint them for worlds; +besides, it was incumbent on me to stamp a marked dissimilarity between +my supposed mother, and myself, in every thing; and to call forth +respect and admiration, as much as she had excited derision and +contempt. + +And now, with my right foot behind, and the point of it but just +touching the ground, I leaned forward on my left, and stood as if in +act to ascend from this vale of tears to regions of interminable +beatitude. + +The next moment the music gave the signal, and I began. Despising the +figure of the common country-dance, I meandered through all the +intricacies of the dance of Ariadne; imitating in my circular and +oblique motions the harmonious movement of the spheres; and +resembling, in my light and playful form, the Horoe of Bathycles, as +they appeared in the Temple of Amycla. Sometimes with a rapid flight, +and glowing smile, I darted, like a herald Iris, through the mazes of +the set; sometimes assuming the dignity of a young Diana, I floated in +a swimming languishment; and sometimes, like a pastoral nymph of +Languedoc, capriciously did I bend my head on one side, and dance up +insidious. What a Hebe! + +I happened not to see my partner from the time I began till I had +ended; but when panting and playful, I flew like a lapwing, to my seat, +he followed, and requested that I would accept the assurances of his +high admiration. + +Soon afterwards, waltzing was introduced. + +'You have already imitated Ida's dancing,' said he. 'Will you now +imitate Charlotte's, and allow me, like Werter, to hold in my arms the +most lovely of women; to fly with her, like the wind, and lose sight of +every other object?' + +I consented; he led me forth, and clasping my waist, began the +circuitous exercise of waltzing. Round and round we flew, and swifter +and swifter; till my head grew quite giddy. Lamps, trees, dresses, +faces, all seemed to be shattered and huddled together, and sent +whisking round the room in a vortex. + +But, oh, my friend, how shall I find language to describe the +calamitous termination of an evening so propitious in its commencement? +I blush as I write it, till the reflected crimson dyes my paper. For in +the midst of my rotatory motion, while heaven seemed earth, and earth +seemed heaven; the zone, on which all my attire depended, and by which +it was all confined, on a sudden burst asunder, and in the next whirl, +more than half of my dress dropped at my feet! Another revolution and I +had acted Diana to fifty Acteons; but I shrieked, and extricating +myself from my partner, sank on the floor, amidst the wreck of my +drapery. The ladies ran, ranged themselves round me, and cast a mantle +over my half-revealed charms. I was too much shocked, and indeed too +giddy to move; so they lifted me between them, and bore me, in slow +procession, out of the room. It was the funeral of modesty; but the +pall was supported by tittering malice. + +I hurried into bed, and cried myself asleep. + +I cannot think, much less write of this disaster, with common +fortitude. I wonder whether Thompson's Musidora could be considered a +sufficient precedent, or at least a palliative parallel? If not, and +that my biographer records it, I am undone. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XXXIII + + +Yesterday Lady Gwyn took me, at my particular request, to visit Monkton +Castle, an old ruin, within three miles of us; and as it forms part of +that property which she holds at present, it is mine to all intents and +purposes. + +The door-way was stopped up with stones, so that I could not take a +survey of its interior; but outside it looked desolate enough. I mean, +at some future period, to furnish it like Udolpho, and other castles of +romance, and to reside there during the howling months. + +After dinner her ladyship went to superintend the unpacking of some +beautiful china, which had just arrived from London; and I was left +alone on the sofa. Evening had already begun to close: a delicious +indolence thrilled through my limbs, and I felt all that lassitude and +vacuity which the want of incident ever creates. + +'Were there even some youth in the house,' thought I, 'who would +conceive an unhappy attachment for me;--had her ladyship but a +persecuting son, what scenes might happen! Suppose at this moment the +door were to be thrown open, and he to enter, with a quick step, and +booted and spurred. He starts on seeing me. Never had I looked so +lovely. 'Heavens!' murmurs he, ''tis a divinity!' then suddenly +recollecting himself, he advances with a respectful bow. 'Pardon this +intrusion,' says he; 'but I--really I--.' I rise, and colouring +violently, mutter, without looking at him: 'I wonder where her ladyship +can be?' But as I am about to pass him, he snatches my hand, and +leading me back to the sofa, says:--'Suffer me to detain you a moment. +This occasion, so long desired, I cannot bring myself to relinquish. +Prevented by the jealous care of a too fond mother, from appearing +before you, I have sought and found a thousand opportunities, on the +stairs--in the garden--in the shrubbery--to behold those charms. Fatal +opportunities! for they have robbed me of my peace for ever! Yes, +charming Cherubina, you have undone me. That airy, yet dignified form; +those mild, yet sparkling eyes; those lips, more delicious than the +banquet of the gods----' 'Really, Signor,' says I, in all the pleasing +simplicity of maiden embarrassment, 'this language is as improper for +me to hear as for you to express.' 'It is, it is improper,' cries he, +with animation, 'for it is inadequate.' 'Yes,' says I 'inadequate to +the respect I deserve as the guest of your mother.' 'Ah!' exclaims he, +'why should the guest imitate the harshness of the hostess?' 'That she +may not,' says I, 'countenance the follies of the son. Signor, I desire +you will unhand me.' 'Never!' cries he; 'never, till you say you pity +me. O, my Cherubina; O, my soul's idol!' and he drops upon his knee, +and grasps my hand; when behold, the door opens, and Lady Gwyn appears +at it! Never were astonishment and dismay equal to her's. 'Godfrey, +Godfrey,' says she, 'is this the conduct that I requested of you? This, +to seek clandestine interviews, where I had prohibited even an open +acquaintance? And for thee, fair unfortunate,' turning towards me, with +that mild look, which cuts more than a thousand sarcasms; 'for thee, +lovely frail one, thou must seek some other asylum.' Her sweet eyes +swim in tears. I fling myself at her feet. 'I am innocent,' I cry, +'innocent as the little fawn that frisks itself to repose by the +bubbling fountain.' She smiles incredulous. 'Come,' says she, taking my +hand, 'let me lead you to your apartment.' 'Stay, in mercy stay!' cries +Godfrey, rushing between us and the door. She waves him aside. I reach +my room. Nothing can console me. I am all despair. In a few minutes the +maid taps at my door, with a slip of paper from Godfrey. 'Oh, +Cherubina,' it says, 'how my heart is torn for you! As you value your +fame, perhaps your life, meet me to-night, at twelve, in the +shrubbery.' After a long struggle, I resolve to meet him. 'Tis twelve, +the winds are abroad, the shower descends. I fling on something, and +steal into the shrubbery. I find him there before me. He thanks me ten +thousand, thousand times for my kindness, my condescension; and by +degrees, leads me into the avenue, where I see a chaise in waiting. I +shrink back; he prays, implores; and at length, snatching me in his +arms, is about to force me into the vehicle, when on a sudden--'Hold, +villain!' cries a voice. It is the voice of Stuart! I shriek, and drop +to the ground. The clashing of swords resounds over my contested body, +and I faint. On recovering, I find myself in a small, but decent +chamber, with an old woman and a beautiful girl watching over me. 'St. +Catherine be praised,' exclaims the young peasant, 'she comes to +herself.' 'Tell me,' I cry, 'is he murdered?' 'The gentleman is dead, +sure enough, miss,' says the woman. I laugh frantic, and point my +finger. 'Ha! look yonder,' I cry; 'see his mangled corpse, mildly +smiling, even in death. See, they fight; he falls.--Barbarous Godfrey! +valiant, generous, unfortunate Stuart! And hark, hear you that! 'Tis +the bell tolling, tolling, tolling!' During six weeks I continue in +this dreadful brain-fever. Slowly I recover. A low melancholy preys +upon me, and I am in the last stage of a consumption. But though I lose +my bloom, illness touches my features with something more than human. +One evening, I had got my chair on the green before the door, and was +watching the sun as he set in a blaze of gold. 'And oh!' exclaimed I, +'soon must I set like thee, fair luminary;--when I am interrupted by a +stifled sigh, just behind me. I turn. Heaven and earth! who should be +leaning over me, with looks of unutterable love, but--Stuart! In an +instant, I see him, I shriek, I run, I leap into his arms.---- + +Unfortunate leap; for it wakened me from a delicious reverie, and I +found myself in the arms,--not of Stuart,--but of the old butler! Down +we both came, and broke in pieces a superb china vase, which he was +just bringing into the room. + +'What will my lady say to this?' cried he, rising and collecting the +fragments. + +'She will smile with ineffable grace,' answered I, 'and make a moral +reflection on the instability of sublunary things.' + +He shook his head, and went on with his work of affliction; while I +hastened to the glass, where I found my face flushed from my reverie, +my hair dishevelled, and my long eyelashes wet with tears. I perceived +too that my dress had got a terrible rent by my fall. + +Hardly had I recomposed myself, when her ladyship returned, and called +for tea. + +'How did you tear your robe, my love?' said she. + +'By a fall that I got just now,' replied I. 'Sure never was such an +unfortunate fall!' + +'Nay, child,' said she, rallying me, 'though a martyr to the tender +sensibilities, you must not be a victim to torn muslin.' + +'I am extremely distressed, however,' said I. + +'But why so?' cried she. 'It was an accident, and all of us are awkward +at times. Life has too many serious miseries to admit of vexation about +trifles.' + +'There now!' cried I, with delight. 'I declare I told the butler, when +I broke the china vase, that you would make a moral reflection.' + +'Broke the---- Oh! mercy, have you broken my beautiful china vase?' + +'Smashed it to atoms,' answered I, in a tone of the most assuasive +sweetness. + +'You did?' exclaimed she, in a voice that stunned me. 'And pray, how +dared you go near it? How dared you even look at it? You, who are not +fit company for crockery, much less china;--a crazed creature, that I +brought into my house to divert my guests. You a title? You a beauty?' + +'Dear Lady Gwyn,' said I, 'do be calm under this calamity. Trust me +life has too many serious miseries to admit of vexation about trifles.' + +Her ladyship rose, with her cheeks inflamed, and her eyes glittering. + +I ran out of the room, in much terror; then up stairs, and into the +nearest bed-chamber. It happened to be her ladyship's; and this +circumstance struck me as most providential; for, in her present mood, +she would probably compel me to quit the house; so that I could never +have another opportunity of ransacking her caskets and cabinets, for +memorials of my birth. + +I therefore began the search; but in the midst of it was interrupted by +hearing a small voice cry, 'get out!' + +Much amazed, I looked up, and perceived her ladyship's favourite parrot +in its cage. + +'Get out!' said the parrot. + +'I will let thee out, cost what it will,' cried I. + +So with much sensibility, and indeed, very little spleen, I took the +bird, and put it out at the window. + +After having accurately examined several drawers, I found a casket in +one of them; opened it, and beheld within (O delightful sight!) a +miniature set round with inestimable diamonds, and bearing a perfect +resemblance to the portrait in the gallery,--face, attitude, attire, +every thing! + +'Relic of my much injured house!' exclaimed I, depositing the picture +in my bosom.' Image of my sainted mother, never will I part with thee!' + +'What are you doing in my room?' cried Lady Gwyn, as she burst into it. +'How is this? All my dresses about the floor! my drawers, my casket +open!--And, as I live, here is the miniature gone! Why you graceless +little thing, are you robbing me?' + +'Madam,' answered I, 'that miniature belongs to my family; I have +recovered it at last; and let me see who will dare take it from me.' + +'You are more knave than fool,' said her ladyship: 'give it back this +instant, or, on my honour, I will expose you to the servants.' + +'What is the use of bullying?' said I. 'Sure you are ruined should this +swindling affair come to be known, not that I would, for the world, +hang your ladyship;--far from it,--but then your character will be +blasted. Ah! Lady Gwyn, where is your hereditary honour? where is your +prudence? where is your dignity?' + +'Where is my parrot?' shrieked her ladyship. + +'Ranging the radiant air!' exclaimed I--'inhaling life, and fragrance, +and freedom amidst the clouds! I let it out at the window.' + +Her ladyship ran towards me, but I passed her, and made the best of my +way down stairs; while she followed, calling, stop thief! Too well I +knew and rued the dire expression; nor stopped an instant, but hurried +out of the house--through the lawn--down the avenue--into a +hay-field;--the servants in hot pursuit. Not a moment was to be lost: a +drowning man, you know, will grasp at straws, and I crept for refuge +under a heap of hay. + +But whether they found me there, or how long I remained, or what has +become of me since, or what is likely to become of me hereafter, you +shall learn in my next. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XXXIV + + +I remained in my disagreeable situation till night had closed, and the +pursuit appeared over. I then rose, and walked through the fields, +without any settled intention. Terror was now succeeded by bitter +indignation at the conduct of Lady Gwyn, who had dared to drive me from +my own house, and vilify me as a common thief. Insupportable insult! +Unparalleled degradation! Was there no revenge? no remedy? + +Like a rapid ray from heaven, a thought at once simple and magnificent +shot through my brain, and made my very heart bound with transport. +When I name Monkton Castle, need I tell you the rest? Need I tell you +that I determined to seize on that antique abode of my ancestors, to +fortify it against assaults, to procure domestics and suitable +furniture for it, and to reside there, the present rival, and the +future victress of the vile Lady Gwyn? Let her dispossess me if she +dare, or if she can; for I have heard that possession is a great number +of points of the law in one's favour. + +As to fitting up the castle, that will be quite an easy matter; for the +tradespeople of London willingly give credit for any amount to a +personage of rank like me; and therefore I have nothing more to do than +make some friend there bespeak furniture in my name. + +It appeared to me that Jerry Sullivan was the most eligible person I +could select; so now, a light heart making a light foot, I tripped back +to the road, and took my way towards Monkton Castle, for the purpose of +procuring an asylum in some cottage near it, and writing a letter of +instructions to Jerry. + +It was starlight, and I had walked almost three miles, when a little +girl with a bundle of sticks on her back overtook me, and began asking +alms. In the midst of her supplications, we came to the hut where she +lived, and I followed her into it, with the hope of getting a night's +lodging there, or at least a direction to one. + +In a room, comfortless, with walls of smoked mud, I found a wrinkled +and decrepit beldame, and two smutty children, holding their hands over +a few faded embers. I begged permission to rest myself for a short +time; the woman, after looking at me keenly, consented, and I sat down. +I then entered into conversation, represented myself as a wandering +stranger in distress, and inquired if I had any chance of finding a +lodging about the neighbourhood. The woman assured me that I had not, +and on perceiving me much disconcerted at the disappointment, coarsely, +but cordially, offered me her hut for the night. I saw I had nothing +for it but to remain there; so the fire was replenished, some brown +bread and sour milk (the last of their store) produced, and while we +sat round it, I requested of the poor woman to let me know what had +reduced her to such distress. + +She told me, with many tears and episodes, that her daughter and +son-in-law, who had supported her, died about a month ago, and left +these children behind, without any means of subsistence, except what +they could procure from the charitable. + +All their appearances corroborated this account, for famine had set its +meagre finger on their faces. I wished to pity them, but their whining, +their dirtiness, and their vulgarity, disgusted more than interested +me. I nauseated the brats, and abhorred the haggard hostess. How it +happens, I know not, but the misery that looks alluring on paper is +almost always repulsed in real life. I turn with distaste from a ragged +beggar, or a decayed tradesman, while the recorded sorrows of a +Belfield or a Rushbrook draw tears of pity from me as I read. + +At length we began to think of rest. The children gave me their pallet: +I threw myself upon it without undressing, and they slept on some straw +with a blanket over them. + +In the morning we presented a most dismal group. Not a morsel had we +for breakfast, nor the means of obtaining any. The poor cripple, who +had expected some assistance from me, sat grunting in a corner; the +children whimpered and shivered; and I, with more elegance, but not +less misery, chaunted a matin to the Virgin. + +I then began seriously to consider what mode of immediate subsistence I +ought to adopt; and at last I hit upon a most pleasing and judicious +plan. As some days must elapse between my writing to Jerry Sullivan and +his coming down (for I mean to have him here, if possible), and as the +cottage is within a short distance from the castle, I have resolved to +remain with my hostess till he shall arrive, and to go forth every day +in the character of a beggar-girl. Like another Rosa, I will earn my +bread by asking alms. My simple and imploring address, my +half-suppressed sigh, my cheek yet traced with the recent tear, all +will be irresistible. Even the shrivelled palm of age will expand at my +supplication, and the youths, offering compliments with eleemosynary +silver, will call me the lovely vagabond, or the mendicant angel. Thus +my few days of beggary will prove quite delightful; and oh, how sweet, +when those are over, to reward and patronize, as Lady of the Castle, +those hospitable cottagers who have pitied and sheltered me as the +beggar-girl. + +My first step was writing to Jerry Sullivan; and I fortunately found +the stump of a pen, some thick ink, and coarse paper, in the cottage. +This was my letter. + + 'Honest Jerry, + + 'Since I saw you last, I have established all my claims, and am now + the Lady Cherubina de Willoughby, the true and illustrious mistress + of Gwyn Castle, Monkton Castle, and other estates of uncommon + extent and value. Now, Jerry, as I am convinced that you feel + grateful for the services, however trivial, which I have done you, + I know you will be happy at an opportunity of obliging me in + return. + + 'Will you then execute some commissions for me? Meaning to make + Monkton Castle (which is uninhabited at present) my residence, I + wish to furnish it according to the style of the times it was built + in. You must, therefore, bespeak, at the best shops, such articles + as I shall now enumerate. + + 'First. Antique tapestry sufficient to furnish one entire wing. + + 'Second. Painted glass enriched with armorial bearings. + + 'Third. Pennons and flags, stained with the best old blood;--Feudal + if possible. + + 'Fourth. Black feathers, and cloaks for my liveries. + + 'Fifth. An old lute, or lyre, or harp. + + 'Sixth. Black hangings, curtains, and a velvet pall. + + 'Seventh. A warder's trumpet. + + 'Eighth. A bell for the portal. + + 'Besides these, I shall want antique chairs, tables, beds, and, in + a word, all the casts-off of castles that you can lay hands upon. + + 'You must also get a handsome barouche, and four horses; and by + mentioning my name (the Lady Cherubina de Willoughby, of Monkton + Castle), and by shewing this letter, no shopkeeper or mechanic will + refuse you credit for anything. Tell them I will pass my receipts + as soon as the several articles arrive. + + 'I have now to make a proposal, which, I hope and trust, will meet + with your approbation. Your present business does not appear to be + prosperous: all the offices in my castle are still unoccupied, and + as I have the highest opinion of your discretion and honesty, the + situation of warden (a most ostensible one) is at your service. The + salary is two hundred a-year: consider of it. + + 'At all events, I do beseech of you to come down, as soon as you + can, on receipt of this letter, and remain a few days, for the + purpose of assisting me in my regulations. + + 'You might travel in the barouche, and bring some of the smaller + articles with you. Pray be here in three days at farthest. + + 'CHERUBINA DE WILLOUGHBY. + + '_Monkton Castle._' + +I now began to think that I might, and should summon other friends, on +this important occasion; and accordingly I wrote a few lines to +Higginson. + + 'Dear Sir, + + 'Intending to take immediate possession of Monkton Castle, which + has devolved to me by right of lineal descent; and wishing, in + imitation of ancient times, for a wild and enthusiastic minstrel, + as part of my household, I have to acquaint you, that if you should + think such an office eligible, I shall be happy to place you in it, + and to recompense your poetical services with an annual stipend of + two hundred pounds. + + 'Should this proposal prove acceptable, be so good as to call on my + trusty servant, Jerry Sullivan, in St. Giles's, and accompany him + down in my barouche. + + 'CHERUBINA DE WILLOUGHBY. + + '_Monkton Castle._' + +I then penned a billet to Montmorenci; ah, ask not why, but pity me. +Silly Cherubina! and yet, mark how her burning pen can write ice. + + 'My Lord, + + 'Pardon the trouble I am about giving you, but as I mean to reside, + for the future, in one of my castles (my birth and pretensions + having already been acknowledged by Lady Gwyn), I wish to secure + the parchment and picture that I left at my former lodgings at + Drury Lane. + + 'Will you, my lord, have the goodness to transmit them, by some + trusty hand, to Jerry Sullivan, the woollen-draper in St. Giles's, + who will convey them to me at Monkton Castle. + + 'With sentiments of respect and esteem, + + 'I have the honour to be, + + 'My Lord, + + 'Your lordship's most obedient, + + 'And most humble servant, + + 'CHERUBINA DE WILLOUGHBY. + + '_Monkton Castle._' + +Now this is precisely the formal sort of letter which a heroine +sometimes indites to her lover: he cannot, for the soul of him, tell +why; so down he comes, all distracted in a postchaise, and makes such a +dishevelled entrance, as melts her heart in an instant, and the scene +ends with his arm round her waist. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XXXV + + +As I was now about to go begging, I thought it necessary to look like a +beggar; so I dressed myself in a tattered gown, cap, and cloak, that +had belonged to the deceased daughter of my hostess. Then placing my +mother's portrait in my bosom, I sallied forth, and took the road to +the neighbouring village. + +Being Sunday, the rustics looked trim and festive, the nymphs and +youths frolicked along, the grandsires sat at their doors, the sun was +shining; all things smiled but the miserable Cherubina. + +At length I reached the village, and deposited my letters for the post. +The church, imbosomed in trees, stood at a little distance. The people +were at prayers, and as I judged that they would soon be dismissed, I +placed myself at the sacred gate, as an auspicious station for the +commencement of my supplicatory career. + +In a short time they began to leave the church. + +'One penny for the poor starving girl,' said I. + +'How are you? How are you? How are you?' was gabbled on all sides. + +'One penny,--one penny,--Oh, one penny!' softly faltered I. + +It was the cooing of a dove amidst the chattering of magpies. + +'And who was that stranger in the next pew?' said one lady. + +'One penny for the love of----' + +'She seemed to think herself too pretty to pray,' said another. + +'One penny for the----' + +'Perhaps motion does not become her lips,' said another. + +'One penny for the love of charity.' + +But they had gotten into their carriages. + +'If youth, innocence, and distress can touch your hearts,' said I, +following some gentlemen down the road, 'pity the destitute orphan, the +hungry vagrant, the most injured and innocent of her sex. Gentlemen, +good gentlemen, kind gentlemen----.' + +'Go to hell,' said they. + +'There is for you, sweetheart,' cried a coarse voice from behind, while +a halfpenny jingled at my foot. I turned to thank my benefactor, and +found that he was a drunken man in the stocks. + +Disgusted and indignant at the failure of my first attempt, I hurried +out of the village, and strayed along, addressing all I met, but all +appeared too gay to pity misery. Hour after hour I passed in fruitless +efforts, now walking, now sitting; till at length day began to close, +and fatigue and horrid hunger were enfeebling my limbs. + +In a piteous condition, I determined to turn my steps back towards the +cottage; for night was already blackening the blue hemisphere, the +mountainous clouds hung low, and the winds piped the portentous moan of +a coming hurricane. By the little light that still remained, I saw a +long avenue on my left, which, I thought, might lead to some hospitable +place of shelter; and I began, as well as the gloom of the trees would +permit, to grope my way through it. + +After much labour and many falls, I came to an opening, and as I saw no +house, I still walked straight forward. By this time the storm had +burst upon my head with tremendous violence, and it was with difficulty +that I could keep my feet. + +At last I fancied I could perceive a building in front, and I bent my +steps towards it. As I drew nearer, I found my way sometimes obstructed +by heaps of stones, or broken columns, and I concluded that I was +approaching some prodigious castle, where I should be sure to find +shelter, horror, owls, and one of my near relations. I therefore +hastened towards it, and soon my extended hands touched the structure. +My heart struck a throb of joy, and I began to feel along the wall for +some ruined portal or archway. + +Hardly had I moved ten paces, when my groping hands plunged into +unresisting air: I stopped a moment, then entered through the vacuity, +and to my great comfort, found myself under immediate shelter. + +This then, I guessed, was the great hall of the castle, and I prepared +my mind for the most terrible things. + +I had not advanced three yards, when I paused in much terror; for I +thought I heard a stir just beside me. Again all was still, and I +ventured forward. I now fancied that I heard a gentle breathing; and at +the same instant I struck my foot against something, which, with a +sudden movement, tripped up my heels, and down I came, shrieking and +begging for mercy; while a frightful bustle arose all round me,--such +passing and repassing, rustling and rushing, that I gave myself over +for lost. + +'Oh, gentlemen banditti!' cried I, 'spare my persecuted life, and I +will never, never betray you!' + +They did not answer a syllable, but retired to some distance, where +they held a horrid silence. + +In a few minutes, I heard steps outside, and two persons entered the +building. + +'This shelters us well enough,' said one of them. + +'Curse on the storm,' cried the other, 'it will hinder any more of them +from coming out to-night. However we have killed four already, and, +please goodness, not one will be alive on the estate this day month.' + +Oh, Biddy, how my soul sickened at the shocking reflection, that four +of a family were already murdered in cold blood, and that the rest were +to share the same fate in a month! + +Unable to contain myself, I muttered, 'Mercy upon me, mercy upon me!' + +'Did you hear that?' whispered one of the men. + +'I did,' said the other. 'Off with us this moment!' and off they both +ran. + +I too determined to quit this nest of horrors, for my very life +appeared in danger; so, rising, I began to grope my way towards the +door, when I fell over something that lay on the ground, and as I put +out my hand, I touched (Oh, horrible!) a dead, cold, damp human face. +Instantly the thought struck me that this was one of the four whom the +ruffians had murdered, and I flung myself from it, with a shiver of +horror; but in doing so, laid my hand on another face; while a faint +gleam of lightning that flashed at the moment shewed me two bodies, +pale, ghastly, naked, and half covered with straw. + +I started up, screaming, and made a desperate effort to reach the door; +but just as I was darting out of it, I found my shoulder seized with a +ferocious grasp. + +'I have caught one of them,' cried the person. 'Fetch the lantern.' + +'I am innocent of the murder!' cried I. 'I swear to you that I am. They +did not fall by my dagger, I can assure you.' + +'Who? what murder?' cried he. 'Hollo, help! here is a murder +committed.' + +'Not by me!' cried I. 'Not by me, not by me! No, no, no, my hands are +unstained with their blood.' + +And now a lantern being brought, I perceived several servants in +liveries, who first examined my features, and then dragged me back into +the building, while they searched there for some poachers, whom they +had been way-laying when they found me. The building! And what was the +building, think you? Why nothing more than the shell of an unfinished +house,--a mere modern morsel of a tasteless temple! And what were the +banditti who had knocked me down, think you? Why nothing more than a +few harmless sheep, that now lay huddled together in a corner! And what +were the two corpses, think you? Why nothing more than two Heathen +statues for the little temple!--And the ruffians that talked of their +having killed, and having to kill, were only the poachers, who had +killed four hares! Here then was the whole mystery developed, and a +great deal of good fright gone for nothing. + +However, some trouble still remained to me. The servants, swearing that +I was either concerned with the poachers, or in some murder, dragged me +down a shrubbery, till we reached a large mansion. We then entered a +lighted hall: one of them went to call his master, and after a few +minutes, an elderly gentleman, with a troop of young men and women at +his heels, came out of a parlour. + +'Is that the murderess? What a young murderess! I never saw a murderess +before!' was whispered about by the ladies. + +'What murder is this you were talking of, young woman?' said the +gentleman to me. + +'I will tell you with pleasure,' answered I. 'You must know that I am a +wandering beggar-girl, without home, parents, or friends; and when the +storm began, I ran, for shelter, into the Temple of Taste, as your +servants called it. So, thinking it a castle, and some sheep which +threw me down, banditti, and a couple of statues, corpses, of course it +was quite natural for me to suppose, when two men entered, and began to +talk of having killed something, that they meant these very corpses. +Was it not natural now? And so that is the plain and simple narrative +of the whole affair.' + +To my great surprise, a general burst of laughter ran round the hall. + +'Sheep banditti, and statues corpses. Dear me,--Bless me--Well to be +sure!' tittered the misses. + +'Young woman,' said the gentleman, 'your incoherent account inclines me +to think you concerned in some atrocious transaction, which I must make +it my business to discover.' + +'I am sure,' said a young lady, 'she carries the gallows in her face.' + +''Tis so pretty a gallows,' said a young gentleman, 'that I wish I were +hanging upon it.' + +'Fie brother,' said the young lady, 'how can you talk so to a +murderess?' + +'And how can you talk so,' cried I, 'before you know me to be a +murderess? It is not just, it is not generous, it is not feminine. Men +impelled by love, may deprive our sex of virtue; but we ourselves, +actuated by rancorous, not gentle impulses, rob each other of +character.' + +'Oh! indeed, you have done for yourself now,' said the young lady. +'That sentence of morality has settled you completely.' + +'Then I presume you do not admire morality,' said I. + +'Not from the lips of a low wretch like you,' said she. + +'Know, young woman,' cried I, 'that the current which runs through +these veins is registered in hereditary heraldry.' + +The company gave a most disgusting laugh. + +'It is,' cried I, 'I tell you it is. I tell you I am of the blood +noble.' + +'Oh blood!' squeaked a young gentleman. + +What wonder that I forgot my prudence amidst these indignities? Yes, +the proud spirit of my ancestors swelled my heart, all my house stirred +within me, and the blood of the De Willoughbys rose into my face, as I +drew the magnificent picture from my bosom, pointed a quivering finger +at it, and exclaimed: + +'Behold the portrait of my titled mother!' + +'See, see!' cried the girls crowding round. ''Tis covered all over with +diamonds!' + +'I flatter myself it is,' said I. 'There is proof irrefragable for +you!' + +'Proof enough to hang you I fancy!' cried the old gentleman, snatching +it out of my hand. 'So now, my lady, you must march to the magistrate.' +I wept, knelt, entreated, all was in vain: his son, the young man who +had paid my face the compliment, took charge of my person, and +accompanied by the servant who had seized me, set off with me to the +magistrate's. + +During our walk, he tried to discover how I had got possession of the +picture, but I was on my guard, and merely replied that time would tell +my innocence. On a sudden, he desired the servant to go back for an +umbrella, and take it to the magistrate's after him. + +The man having left us: + +'Now,' said the 'squire, 'whether you are a pilferer of pictures I know +not, but this I know, that you are a pilferer of hearts, and that I am +determined to keep you in close custody, till you return mine, which +you have just stolen. To be plain, I will extricate you from your +present difficulty, and conceal you in a cottage just at hand, if you +will allow me to support and visit you. You understand me.' + +The blood gushed into my cheeks as he spoke; but however indignant I +felt at the proposal, I likewise felt that it would be prudent to +dissemble; and as other heroines in similar predicaments do not +hesitate to hint that they will compromise their honours, I too +determined to give my tempter some hope; and thus make him my friend +till I could extricate myself from this emergency. + +I therefore replied that I trusted he would not find me deficient in +gratitude. + +'Thank you, love,' said he. 'And now here is the cottage.' + +He then tapped at a door: an elderly woman opened it, and within I +perceived a young woman, with a bold, but handsome face, hastily +adjusting her cap at a glass. + +'I have brought a wretched creature,' said he, 'whom I found starving +on the road. Pray take care of her, and give her some refreshment. You +must also contrive a bed for her.' + +The women looked earnestly at me, and then significantly at each other. + +'She shall have no bed in my house,' said the elder, 'for I warrant +this is the hussey who has been setting you against poor Susan, in +order to get you herself, and telling you lies about Tommy Hicks's +visiting here--poor girl!' + +'Ay, and Bob Saunders,' cried the daughter. + +'Sweet innocent!' cried the mother. 'And the three Hawkins's,' cried +the daughter. + +'Tender lamb!' cried the mother, 'and a girl too that never looked at +mortal man but the 'squire.' + +'And John Mullins, and Jacob Jones, and Patrick O'Brien,' cried the +daughter. + +'Think of that!' cried the mother. + +'Yes, think of that!' cried the daughter. 'Patrick O'Brien! the +broad-shouldered abominable man! Oh! I will cut my throat--I will--so I +will!' + +'Alas!' said I, 'behold the fatal effects of licentious love. Here is a +girl, whom your money, perhaps, allured from the paths of virtue.' + +'Oh! no,' cried Susan, 'it was his honour's handsome face, and his fine +words, so bleeding and so sore, and he called me an angel above the +heavens!' + +'Yes,' said I, 'it is the tenderness of youth, the smile of joy, the +blush of innocence, which kindle the flame of the seducer; and yet +these are what he would destroy. It is the heart of sensibility which +he would engage, and yet in that heart he would plant every rankling +pang, every bitter misery. Detestable passion! which accomplishes the +worst of purposes, through the medium of the best and sweetest +affections. She whose innocent mind ascribes to others the motives that +actuate itself, she who confides, because she would not deceive, she +who has a tear for real grief, and who melts at the simulated miseries +of her lover, she soonest falls a sacrifice to his arts; while the cold +vestal, who goes forth into the world callous to feeling, and armed +with austerity, repulses his approaches with indignation, and calls her +prudence virtue.' + +The young man gazed on me with surprise, and the mother had come +closer; but Susan was peeping at her face in the glass. + +'Look on that beautiful girl before you,' cried I. 'Heaven itself is +not brighter than her brow; the tints of the morning cannot rival her +blushes.' + +Susan held down her head, but cast an under glance at the 'squire. + +'Such is she now,' continued I, 'but too soon you may behold her pale, +shivering, unsteady of step, and hoarse with nocturnal curses, one of +those unhappy thousands, who nightly strew our streets with the +premature ruins of dilapidated beauty.' + +'Yes, look at her, look at her!' cried the mother, who flushing even +through her wrinkles, and quivering in every limb, now rushed towards +her daughter, and snatching off her cap, bared her forehead. 'Look at +her! she was once my lovely pride, the blessing of my heart; and see +what he has now made her for me; while I, miserable as I am, must wink +at her guilt, that I may save her from disgrace and ruin!' + +'Oh! then,' cried I, turning to the 'squire, 'while still some portion +of her fame remains, fly from her, fly for ever!' + +'I certainly mean to do so,' replied he, 'so pray make your mind easy. +You see, Susan, by this young woman's sentiments, that she cannot be +what you suspected her.' + +'And I am convinced, Susan,' said I, 'that you feel grateful for the +pains I have taken to reclaim the 'squire from a connection so fatal to +you both.' + +'I am quite sure I do,' sobbed Susan, 'and I will pray for your health +and happiness ever while I live. So, dear Miss, since I must lose him, +I hope you will coax him to leave me some money first; not that I ever +valued him for his money, but you know I could not see my mother go +without her tea o'nights.' + +'Amiable creature!' cried I. 'Yes, I will intercede for you.' + +'My giving you money,' said the 'squire, 'will depend on my finding, +when I return to-morrow morning, that you have treated this girl well +to-night.' + +'I will treat her like a sister,' said Susan. + +The 'squire now declared that he must be gone; then taking me aside, 'I +shall see you early to-morrow,' whispered he, 'and remove you to a +house about a mile hence, and I will tell my father that you ran away. +Meantime, continue to talk virtue, and these people will think you a +saint.' + +He then bade us all good-night, and departed. + +Instantly I set my wits at work, and soon hit upon a plan to accomplish +my escape. I told the women that I had an old mother, about a mile from +the cottage, who was almost starving; and that if I could procure a +little silver, and a loaf of bread, I would run to her hut with the +relief, and return immediately. + +To describe the kind solicitude, the sweet goodnature that mother and +daughter manifested, in loading me with victuals and money, were +impossible. Suffice it, that they gave me half-a-crown, some bread, +tea, and sugar; and Susan herself offered to carry them; but this I +declined; and now, with a secret sigh at the probability that I might +never see them again, I left their house, and hastened towards the +cottage of the poor woman. Having reached it, I made the hungry +inhabitants happy once more, while I solaced myself with some tea, and +the pleasing reflection, that I had brought comfort to the distressed, +and had reclaimed a deluded girl from ruin and infamy. + +Adieu, + + + + +LETTER XXXVI + + +After my last letter, I spent two tedious days in employments that I +now blush to relate;--no less than doing all the dirty work of the +cottage, such as sweeping the room, kindling the fire, cooking the +victuals; and trying, by dint of comb and soap, to make cherubs of the +children. What bewitched me, I cannot conceive, for the humanity of +other heroines is ever clean, elegant, and fit for the reader. They +give silver and tears in abundance, but they never descend to the +bodily charity of working, like wire-drawers, for withered old women +and brats with rosy noses. I can only say, in vindication of myself, +that those who sheltered me were poor and helpless themselves, and that +they deserved some recompense on my part for their hospitality to me. +So you must not condemn me totally; for I do declare to you, that I +would much rather have relieved them with my purse, and soothed them +with my sympathy, than have fried their herrings and washed their +faces. + +At the same time, take notice, I was not totally forgetful of my nobler +destiny; for I dedicated part of this period to the composition of a +poem, which I reserve for my memoirs. My biographer can say that it was +suggested by the story of Susan; and even if it should still appear to +be somewhat forced into my book, I would rather have this the case, +than suffer posterity to go without it altogether. Here it is. + + CAROLINE + + Beneath a thatch, where gadding woodbine flower'd, + About the lattice and the porch embower'd, + An aged widow lived, whose calm decline, + Clung on one hope, her lovely Caroline. + Her lovely Caroline, in virtue blest, + As morning snow, was spotless and unprest. + Her tresses unadorn'd a braid controll'd, + Her pastoral russet knew no civic gold. + In either cheek an eddying dimple play'd, + And blushes flitted with a rosy shade. + Her airy step seem'd lighting from the sky, + And joy and frolic sparkled in her eye. + Yet would she weep at sorrows not her own, + And love foredoom'd her heart his panting throne. + For her the rustics strove a homely grace, + Clipped their redundant locks, and smooth'd their pace; + Lurk'd near her custom'd path, in trimmest guise, + And talk'd the simple praises of her eyes. + But fatal hour, when she, by swains unmov'd, + Beheld the master of the vale, and loved. + Long had he tempted her reserve in vain, + Till one luxuriant eve that sunn'd the plain; + On the bent herbage, where a gushing brook, + Blue harebells and the tufted violet shook; + Where hung umbrageous branches overhead, + And the rain'd roses lay in fragments red, + He found the slumbering maid. Prophane he press'd + Her virgin lip, then first by man carest. + She starts, and like a ruddy cloud bestrewn, + At brake of morning, o'er the paly moon; + Or as on Alpine cliffs, a wounded doe + Sheds all its purple life upon the snow; + So the maid blushes, while her humble eyes + Fear from a knot of primroses to rise; + And mute she sits, affecting to repair + The discomposed meanders of her hair. + Need I his arts unfold? The accomplish'd guile + That glosses poisonous words with gilded smile? + The tear suborned, the tongue complete to please; + Eyes ecstasied, idolatry of knees? + These and his oaths I pass. Enough to tell, + The virgin listen'd, and believ'd, and fell. + And now from home maternal long decoy'd + She dwells with him midst pleasures unenjoy'd; + Till the sad tidings that her parent dear + To grief had died a victim reach her ear. + Pale with despair, 'At least, at least,' she cries, + 'Stretch'd on her ashes, let me close these eyes. + Short shelter need the village now bestow, + Ere by her sacred grave they lay me low.' + Then, without nurture or repose, she hastes + Her journey homeward over rocks and wastes; + Till, as her steps a hill familiar gain, + Bursts on her filling eyes her native plain. + She pants, expands her arms, 'Ah, peaceful scene!' + Exclaiming: 'Ah, dear valley, lovely green, + Still ye remain the same; your hawthorn still, + All your white cottages, the little mill; + Its osiered brook, that prattles thro' the meads, + The plat where oft I danced to piping reeds. + All, all remain unalter'd. 'Tis but thine + To suffer change, weak, wicked Caroline!' + The setting sun now purples hill and lake, + And lengthen'd shadows shadows overtake. + A parting carol larks and throstles sing, + The swains aside their heated sickles fling. + Now dairies all arrang'd, the nymphs renew + The straggling tress, and tighten'd aprons blue; + And fix some hasty floweret, as they run + In a blithe tumult to the pipe begun. + And now, while dance and frolic shake the vale, + Sudden the panting girl, dishevell'd, pale, + Stands in the midst. All pausing gather round, + And gaze amaz'd. The tabors cease to sound. + 'Yes, ye may well,' the faltering suppliant cries, + 'Well may ye frown with those repulsive eyes. + Yet pity one not vicious but deceiv'd, + Who vows of marriage, ere she fell, believ'd. + Without a mother, sire, or fostering home, + Save, save me, leave me not forlorn to roam. + Not now the gifts ye once so fondly gave, + Not now the verse and rural wreath I crave; + Not now to lead your festive sports along, + Queen of the dance, and despot of the song; + One shed is all, oh, just one wretched shed, + To lay my weary limbs and aching head. + Then will I bless your bounty, then inure + My frame to toil, and earn a pittance poor. + Then, while ye mix in mirth, will I, forlorn, + Beside my murder'd parent sit and mourn.' + She paus'd, expecting answer. None replied. + 'And have ye children, have ye hearts?' she cried. + 'Save me now, mothers, as from future harms + Ye hope to save the babies in your arms! + See, to you, maids, I bend on abject knee; + Youths, even to you, who bent before to me. + O, my companions, by our happy plays, + By dear remembrance of departed days; + By pity's self, your cruel parents move; + By sacred friendship; Oh! by those ye love! + Oft when ye trespassed, I for pardon pray'd; + Oft on myself your little mischiefs laid. + Did I not always sooth the wounded mind? + Was I not called the generous and the kind? + Still silent? What! no word, no look to cheer? + No gentle gesture? What, not even a tear? + Go then, ye pure! to heights of virtue climb; + Let none plead for me, none forgive my crime. + Go--yet the culprit, by her God forgiven, + May plead for you before the throne of heaven! + Ye simple pleasures of my rural hours, + Ye skies all sunshine, and ye paths all flowers; + Home, where no more a soothing friend I see, + Dear happy home, a last farewell to thee!' + Claspt are her hands, her features strewn with hair, + And her eyes sparkle with a keen despair. + But as she turns, a sudden burst of tears, + And struggles, as of one withheld, she hears. + 'Speak!' she conjures, 'ere yet to phrenzy driven, + Tell me who weeps? What angel sent from heaven?' + 'I, I your friend!' exclaims, with panting charms, + A rosy girl, and darts into her arms. + 'What! will you leave me? Me, your other heart, + Your favourite Ellen? No, we must not part; + No, never! come, and in our cottage live; + Come, for the cruel village shall forgive. + O, my own darling, come, and unreproved, + Here on this heart rest ever, ever lov'd; + Here on this constant heart!' While thus she spoke, + Her furious sire the linkt embraces broke. + Borne in his arms, she wept, entreated, rav'd; + Then fainted, as a mute farewell she wav'd. + But now the wretch, with low and wildered cries, + Round and around revolving vacant eyes: + Slow from the green departs, and pauses now, + And gnaws her tresses and contracts her brow. + Shock'd by the change, the matrons, stern no more, + Pursue her steps and her return implore: + Soon a poor maniac, innocent of ill, + She wanders unconfined, and drinks the rill, + And plucks the simple cress. A hovel near + Her native vale defends her from the year. + With tender feet to flint and thistle bare, + And faded willows weeping in her hair, + She climbs some rock at morn, and all alone, + Chaunts hasty snatches of harmonious moan. + When moons empearl the leafy locks of bowers, + With liquid grain, and light the glistening flowers, + She gathers honeysuckle down the dells, + And tangled eglantine, and slumbering bells; + And with moist finger, painted by the leaves, + A coronet of roses interweaves; + Then steals unheard, and gliding thro' the yews, + The odorous offering on her mother strews. + At morn with tender pause, the nymphs admire, + How recent chaplets still the grave attire; + And matrons nightly tell, how fairies seen, + Danc'd roundelays aslant its cowslipped green. + Even when the whiten'd vale is bleak with snows, + That verdant spot the little Robin knows; + And sure to find the flakes at dawn remov'd, + Alights and chirps upon its turf belov'd. + Such her employ; till now, one wintry day, + Some shepherds hurrying by the haunted clay, + Find the pale ruin, life for ever flown, + With her cheek pillow'd on its dripping stone. + The turf unfinish'd wreaths of ivy strew, + And her lank locks are dim with misty dew. + Poor Ellen hymns her requiem. Willows pine + Around her grave. Fallen, fallen Caroline! + +This morning, having resumed my muslins, I repaired to my castle, and +seated on the stump of a withered oak, began an accurate survey of its +strength, for the purpose of ascertaining whether it could stand a +siege, in case Lady Gwyn should attempt to dispossess me of it. I must +now describe it to you. + +It is situated about a quarter of a mile from the road, on a waste +tract of land, where a few decayed trunks of trees are all that remain +of a former forest. The castle itself, which I fear is rather too small +for long corridors and suites of apartments, forms a square, with a +turret at each corner, and with a large gateway, now stopped up with +stones, at the southern side. While I surveyed its roofless walls, +over-topt with briony, grass, and nettles, and admired the gothic +points of the windows, where mantling ivy had supplied the place of +glass, long suffering and murder came to my thoughts. + +As I sat planning, from romances, the revival of the feudal customs and +manners in my castle, and of the feudal system among my tenantry (all +so favourable to heroines), I saw a magnificent barouche, turning from +the road into the common, and advancing towards me. My heart beat high: +the carriage approached, stopt; and who should alight from it, but +Higginson and Jerry! + +After Higginson, with reverence, and Jerry, with familiarity, had +congratulated me on my good fortune, the latter looked hard at the +castle. + +'The people told us that this was Monkton Castle,' said he; 'but where +is the Monkton Castle that your ladyship is to live in?' + +'There it is, my friend,' answered I. + +'What? there!' cried he. + +'Yes, there,' said I. + +'What, there, there!' + +'Yes, there, there.' + +'Oh! murder! murder!' + +'How far are we from your ladyship's house?' said the postilion, +advancing with his hat off. + +'This castle is my house,' answered I. + +'Begging your ladyship's pardon,' said he; 'what I mean, is, how far +are we from where your ladyship lives?' + +'I live in this castle,' answered I. + +Jerry began making signs to me over the fellow's shoulder, to hold my +tongue. + +'What are you grimacing about there, Mr. Sullivan?' said I. + +'Nothing at all, Ma'am,' answered he. ''Tis a way I have got; but your +ladyship, you know, is only come down to this castle on a sort of a +country excursion, to see if it wants repairing, you know: you don't +mean to live in it, you know.' And he put his finger on his nose, and +winked at me. + +'But I know I do mean to live in it,' cried I, 'and so I request you +will cease your grinning.' + +'Oh, murder, murder!' muttered he, swinging round on his heel. + +The postilion now stood staring at the venerable edifice, with an +expression of the most insolent ridicule. + +'And what are _you_ looking at?' cried Jerry. + +'At the sky through the castle window,' said the fellow, reddening, and +shaking with smothered laughter. + +'Why then mind your own business,' cried Jerry, 'and that is, to take +the horses from the carriage, and set off with yourself as fast as you +can.' + +'Not till I am paid for their journey down,' said the postilion. 'So +will your ladyship have the goodness to pay me?' + +'Certainly,' said I. 'Jerry, pay the fellow.' + +'Deuce a rap have I,' answered Jerry. 'I laid out my last farthing in +little things for your ladyship.' + +'Higginson,' said I, 'shall I trouble you to pay him?' + +'It irks me to declare,' answered Higginson, 'that in equipments for +this expedition;--a nice little desk, a nice little comb, a nice little +pocket-glass, a nice little----' + +'In short you have no money,' cried I. + +'Not a farthing,' answered he. + +'Neither have I,' said I; 'so, postilion, you must call another time.' + +'Here is a pretty to do!' cried the postilion. 'Damme, this is a shy +sort of a business. Not even the price of a feed of oats! Snuff my +eyes, I must have the money. I must, blow me.' + +''Tis I that will blow you,' cried Jerry, 'if you don't unloose your +horses this moment, and pack off.' + +The postilion took them from the carriage, in silence; then having +mounted one of them, and ridden a few paces from us, he stopped. + +'Now you set of vagabonds and swindlers,' cried he, 'without a roof +over your heads, or a penny in your pockets, to go diddle an honest man +out of his day's labour; wait till master takes you in hand: and if I +don't tell the coachmaker what a blockhead he was to give you his +barouche on tick, may I be particularly horsewhipt! Ladyship! a rummish +sort of a tit for a Ladyship! And that is my Lord, I suppose. And this +is the Marquis. Three pickpockets from Fleet-street, I would bet a whip +to a wisp. Ladyship! Oh, her Ladyship!' and away he cantered, +ladyshipping it, till he was out of hearing. + +'That young person deserves a moral lecture,' said Higginson. + +'He deserves a confounded drubbing,' cried Jerry. 'But now, 'pon your +conscience, does your ladyship intend to live in this old castle?' + +'Upon my honour I do,' replied I. + +'And is there no decent house on the estate, that one of your tenants +could lend you?' said he. + +'Why you must know,' replied I, 'that though Lady Gwyn, the person who +has withheld my property from me so long, acknowledged my right to it +but a few days since, still, as she has not yet yielded up the title +deeds, in consequence of a quarrel which obliged me to quit her house, +it is improbable that the tenantry would treat me as their mistress. +All I can do, is, to seize this uninhabited castle which lies on my own +estate. But I can tell you, that a heroine of good taste, and who +wishes to rise in her profession, would infinitely prefer the +desolation of a castle to the comforts of a villa.' + +'Well, of all the wise freaks----' cried Jerry, standing astride, +sticking his hands in his ribs, and nodding his head, as he looked up +at the castle. + +'I tell you what, Mr. Sullivan,' interrupted I, 'if you have the +slightest objection to remaining here, you are at perfect liberty to +depart this moment.' + +'And do you think I would leave you?' cried he. 'Oh then, oh then, 'tis +I that wouldn't! And the worse your quandary, the more I would stick by +you;--that is Jerry Sullivan. And if it was a gallows itself you were +speculating in, I would assist you all the same. One can find friends +enough when one is in the right, but give me the fellow that would +fight for me right or wrong.' + +I shook his honest hand with warmth, and then asked him if he had +performed my commissions. + +'Your ladyship shall hear,' said he. 'As soon as I got your letter, I +went with it in my hand, and shewed it at fifty different +shops;--clothiers, and glaziers, and upholsterers, and feather-makers, +and trumpet-makers; but neither old tapestry, nor old painted glass, +nor old flags stained with old blood, nor old lutes, nor old any thing +that you wanted, could I get; and what I could get, I must pay for; and +so what I must pay for, I would not get; and the reason why, I had no +money; and moreover, as sure as ever I shewed them your letter, so sure +they laughed at it.' + +'Laughed at it!' cried I. + +'All but one,' said Jerry. + +'And he?' cried I. + +'Was going to knock me down,' answered Jerry. 'So, as I did not wish to +come without bringing something or other to you, and as you commanded +me to get everything old; egad, I have brought three whole pieces of +damaged black cloth out of our own shop, that I thought might answer +for the hangings and curtains; and I bought a parcel of old funeral +feathers and an old pall, from an undertaker; and I bought an old harp +with five strings, that will do any thing but play; and I stole our own +parlour bell; and I borrowed a horn from the guard of a mail-coach, +which I hope will do for a trumpet; and now here they are all in the +barouche, and my bed and trunk; and a box of Mr. Higginson's.' + +'But the barouche?' said I; 'how did you get that?' + +'By not shewing your letter,' answered Jerry; 'and besides, the +coach-maker knew me; and I told him it was for my Lady De Willoughby, +as beautiful as an angel--but he did not mind that--and as rich as a +Jew;--but he minded that; and so he gave me the barouche, and a +shake-hands into the bargain.' + +'Well, my friend,' said I, 'you did your best; so as soon as I can +raise a sufficient sum, I will furnish my castle in a style of gothic +grandeur, which your modern painters and glaziers have no notion of. +Meantime, if you and Higginson will pull down those stones that choak +the gateway, we will enter the building, and see what can be done with +our present materials.' + +They commenced operations with such alacrity, that they soon cleared +away the rubbish, and in we went. Not a sign of a roof on the whole +edifice: the venerable verdure of damp stained the walls, nettles and +thistles clothed the ground, and three of the turrets, inaccessible to +human feet, were to be come at only by an owl or an angel. However, on +examining the fourth, or eastern turret, I found it in somewhat better +condition than the rest. A half-decayed ladder, leaning against an +aperture in the ceiling above, tempted me to mount, and I got into a +room of about eight feet square (the breadth of the turret), overrun +with moss and groundsel, and having a small window in one of its sides. +From the floor, another ladder reached to another aperture in the +ceiling above; and on ascending it, I found myself at the top of the +tower, round which ran a broken parapet. This tower, therefore, I +determined to fit up and inhabit; and to leave the other three in a +state of classical dilapidation, as receptacles for strange noises, +horrid sights, and nocturnal Condottieri. + +I then descended, and made the minstrel and warden (for they have +consented to undertake these offices) draw the barouche within the +gateway, and convey the luggage up to the room that I meant for my +residence. + +The next matter that we set about was hanging the chamber with the +black cloth; and this we contrived to do by means of wooden pegs, which +the warden cut with his knife, and drove, with a stone, through the +drapery, into the crevices of the walls. We found two of the three +pieces of black cloth sufficient to cover the sides of the room; and +when the hangings were all arranged, I gazed on their sombrous and +antique effect with the most heartfelt transport. I then named it the +BLACK CHAMBER, and gave orders that it should always be called so. + +Our next object was to contrive a bed for me. Jerry, therefore, +procured some branches of trees, and after much labour, and with no +small ingenuity, constructed a bedstead, as crazy as any that ever +creaked under a heroine. We then hung it round with curtains of black +cloth; and Jerry's own bed being placed upon it, we spread the black +pall over that. Never was there a more funereal piece of furniture; and +I saw, with pride, that it rivalled the famous bed in the Mysteries of +Udolpho. + +The minstrel all this time appeared stupified with astonishment, but +worked like a horse, puffing and panting, and doing every thing that he +was desired, without uttering a word. + +Dinner now became our consideration, and I have just dispatched the +warden (like Peter, in the Romance of the Forest) to procure +provisions. Not a farthing has he to purchase any, since even the +half-crown which Susan gave me is already exhausted. + +But the light that enters at my window begins to grow grey, and an +appropriate gloom thickens through the chamber. The minstrel stands in +a corner, muttering poetry; while I write with his pen and ink on a +stool that the warden made for me. My knees are my desk. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XXXVII + + +Just at the close of evening, Jerry came running towards the castle +with a milk-pail on his head. + +'See,' cried he, putting it down, 'how nicely I have choused a little +milk-maid! There was she, tripping along as tight as her garter. 'Fly +for your life,' cries I, striding up to her: 'there is the big bull at +my heels that has just killed two children, two sucking pigs, two---- +Here! here! let me hold your pail for you!' and I whips it off her +head. So, what does she do, but she runs off without it one way; and +what does I do, but I runs off with it another way. And besides this, I +have got my hat filled with young potatoes, and my pockets stuffed with +ears of wheat; and if we can't eat a hearty dinner off these dainties, +why that our next may be fried fleas and toasted leather!' + +Though I was angry at the means used by Jerry to get the provisions, +yet, as dinner just then had more charms for me than moral sentiment, +instead of instructing him in the lofty doctrines of the social +compact, I bade him pound the grains of wheat between two flat stones. +In the mean time, I sent the minstrel to the cottage for a light and +some fuel; and on his return, made him stop up the window with grass +and fern. He then kindled a fire of wood in the centre of the Black +Chamber; for, as the floor was of stone, it ran no risk of being +burned. This done, I mixed some milk with the bruised wheat, kneaded a +cake, and laid it on the red embers, while Jerry took charge of +roasting the potatoes. + +As soon as our romantic repast was ready, I drew my stool to the fire: +my household sat on large stones, and we made a tolerable meal, they on +the potatoes, and I on the cake, which hunger had really rendered +palatable. + +The warden lifted the pail to my lips, and I took a draught of the +rural nectar; while the minstrel remarked, that Nestor himself had not +a larger goblet. + +I now paid the poor cottagers a visit, and carried the fragments of our +dinner to them. + +On my return, we resumed our seats, and hung over the decayed embers, +that cast a gloomy glare upon the bed and the drapery; while now and +then, a flash from the ashes, as they sank, shot a reddened light on +the paleness of the minstrel, and brightened the broad features of the +warden. The wind had risen: there was a good deal of excellent howling +round the turret: we sat silent, and looking for likenesses in the +fire. + +'Come, warden,' cried I, 'repair these embers with a fresh splinter, +and let me hear the memoirs of your life.' + +The warden consented, the fire was replenished, and he thus began: + +'Once upon a time when pigs were swine----' + +'I will trouble you for a more respectable beginning,' said I; 'some +striking, genteel little picture, to bespeak attention,--such as, "All +was dark;" or, "It was on a gloomy night in the month of November."' + +'That would be the devil's own lie,' cried Jerry, 'because I was born +in January; and by the same token, I was one of the youngest children +that ever was born, for I saw light five months after my mother's +marriage. Well, being born, up I grew, and the first word I said was +mammy; and my hair was quite yellow at first, though 'tis so brown now; +and I promised to be handsome, but the symptom soon left me; and I +remember I was as proud as Lucifer when I got trowsers; and----' + +'Why now, Jerry, what sort of trash is this?' said I. 'Fie; a warden +like you! I hoped to have heard something of interest and adventure +from you; that your family was respectable, though poor----' + +'Respectable!' cried Jerry. 'Why, I am of the O'Sullivans, who were +kings of Ireland, and that is the very reason I have not Mister to my +name, seeing as how I am of the blood royal. Oh, if 'tis the wonderful +your ladyship wants, by the powers, I am at home thereabouts. Well, I +was iddicated in great tenderness and ingenuity, and when I came of +age, I went and seized on O'Sullivan Castle, and fortified it, and got +a crown and sceptre, and reigned in great peace many years. But as the +devil would have it----' + +'Jerry,' said I, 'I must insist on hearing no more of these monstrous +untruths.' + +'Untruths!' cried he. 'Why you might as well give me the lie at once. O +murder! to think I would tell a falsehood about the matter!' + +'Sir,' said I, ''tis a falsehood on the very face of it.' + +''Pon my conscience then,' cried he, ''tis as like your own story as +one pea is like another. And sure I did not contradict you (whatever I +might think, and I have my thoughts too, I can tell you,) when you +talked so glib of your great estates; though, to be sure, your ladyship +is as poor as a rat. Howsomever, since you will have it so, 'tis all a +falsehood, sure enough; but now you shall hear the real story; though, +for that matter, any body can tell truth, and no thanks to them. + +'Well, then, my father was nothing more than a common labourer, and +just poor enough to be honest, but not poor enough to be a rogue. +Poverty is no great disgrace, provided one comes honestly by it; for +one may get poor as well as rich by knavery. So, being poor, father +used to make me earn odd pennies, when I was a boy; and at last I got +so smart, that he resolved on sending me to sell chickens at the next +town. But as I could only speak Irish at that time, by reason we lived +up the mountains, he sat down and taught me a little English, in case +any gentlefolks should ask me about my chickens. Now, Jerry, says he, +in Irish, if any gentleman speaks to you, of course it will be to know +the price of your chickens; so you are to say, _three shillings, Sir_. +Then to be sure he will be for lowering the price, so you are to say +stoutly, _No less, Sir_; and if he shakes his head, or looks angry, +'tis a sign he won't buy unless you bate a little, so you are to say, +_I believe I must take two, Sir_. + +'Well, I got my lesson pat, and off I set, with my hair cut and my face +washed, and thinking it the greatest day of my life; and I had not +walked a hundred yards from the house, when I met a gentleman. + +'Pray how far is it to the next village?' says he. + +'Three shillings, Sir,' says I. + +'You are a saucy fellow,' says he. + +'No less, Sir,' says I. + +'I will give you a box in the face,' says he. + +'I believe I must take two, Sir,' says I. + +'But, instead of two, egad, I got six, and as many kicks as would match +'em; and home I ran howling.--Well, that was very well, so when I told +father that I was beaten for nothing: + +'I warrant you were not,' says he; 'and if I had done so by my poor +father, he would have broken every bone in my skin,' says he. 'But he +was a better father than I am,' says he. + +'How dare you say that your father was better than my father,' says I; +and upon this, father takes me by the ear, and lugs me out of the +house. Just as we got outside, the same gentleman was passing by; and +he stopped, and began to complain of me to my father; and then the +whole matter came out, and both of them laughed very heartily. + +'Well, what do you think? 'Pon my veracity, the gentleman took me home +with him to clean the knives and boots. And then he sent me to school, +where I learned English; and then I began to tend at table, and at last +became a regular servant in the family. + +'Well, here I lived several years, and might have lived till now, but +that one night, when mistress had company, while bringing in the tray +of cake and wine, down I came, and broke all the glasses. + +'By this and that,' says mistress; (only to be sure, mistress did'nt +swear) 'you are quite drunk,' says she. + +'Never tasted a drop all day,' says I; and it was true for me, 'cause I +did not begin till evening. + +'Who taught you to tell falsehoods?' says she. + +'Troth, you did,' says I; 'for you taught me to tell visitors you were +not at home, when all the time you are peeping down the bannisters. +Fine fashions, indeed! Nobody is ever at home now-a-days, but a snail,' +says I. And I would have said more too, but that master kicked me out +of the house. + +'Well, that was very well; and now my misfortunes were all before me, +like a wheelbarrow. + +'This happened in the year of the Rebellion; so, being out of service, +I lived at alehouses; and there it was that I met gentlemen with rusty +superfine on their backs, and with the longest words in the world. They +soon persuaded me that old Ireland was going to ruin; I forget how now, +but I know I had the whole story pat at that time; and the end of it +was, that I became an United Irishman. + +'Howsomever, though I would have died for my country, it would be +carrying the joke too far to starve for her, and I had now spent all my +wages. So, at last, back I went to my old master, and fell on my knees, +and begged his pardon for my bad conduct when I lived with him, and +prayed of him to take me once more. Well, he did; and it was only two +nights after that we heard a great noise outside, and master comes +running into the kitchen. + +'Jerry,' says he, 'here are the rebels breaking into the house; and as +I know you are a faithful fellow, take this sword and pistol, and stand +by me.' + +'No, but I will stand before you,' says I. So we mustered our men, five +in all, and posted ourselves on the head of the stairs; when in burst +the rebels into the hall, and we began a parley. 'Why then, is that +Barney Delany?' says I to their captain. + +'Why then, is that Jerry Sullivan?' says he to me. 'You are one of us,' +says he, 'so now turn round and shoot your master,' says he. + +'I will cut off both my hands first,' says I. + +'Take that then,' says he; and he fires a shot, and I another, and to +it we kept, till we beat them all off. + +'Well, in a few months afterwards, this same Barney being made +prisoner, I was bound over as witness against him. So some of the +gentlemen with the long words came to me, and told me how wrong I had +acted in fighting for my master, instead of for my country, and that I +must make amends by giving evidence in Barney's favour. + +'Well, they puzzled me so, that from then till now I never could make +out whether I was right or wrong in standing by master. But somehow, I +think I was right; for though patriotism (as the gentlemen call it) is +a fine thing, yet, after all, there is nothing like gratitude. Why, if +the devil himself did me a kind office, I believe I would make shift to +do him another, and not act like the clergy, who spend their whole +lives in snubbing at him, and calling him all manner of names, though +they know, that, but for him, there would not be a clergyman or a fat +living in the kingdom. + +'Howsomever, I was persuaded to do the genteel thing by Barney Delany; +so, when the day for the trial came, I drank myself pretty +unintelligible; and I swore point blank, before judge and jury, that I +did not know Barney good or bad, and that all I knew of him was good; +and I bothered the lawyers, and they turned me from the table, and +threatened to indite me for perjury. But it was the people that did +praise me, and call it iligant swearing, mighty pretty evidence; and I +was the great man of the day; and they took me to the fair that was +hard by, where we tippled a little more, and then we sallied forth ripe +for fun. + +'Well, as we were running through the fair, what should I see but a +man's bald head sticking out of a hole in one of the tents--to cool, I +suppose,--so I just lifted up my cudgel, and just laid it down again; +when, in a moment, out came a whole set of fellows from the tent, and +the man asks which of us had broken his head. + +'It was myself,' says I, 'but curse me if I could help it, that skull +of your's looked so inviting. + +'Accordingly both parties began a battle, and then others, who had +nothing better to do, came and joined; they did not know why, but no +matter for that. Any one may fight when there is an occasion; but the +beauty of it is, to fight when there is no occasion at all. + +'Howsomever, in the midst of it up came the military to spoil sport as +usual; and they dispersed us, and made some of us prisoners, I among +the rest, and we were put into Bridewell. Well, that was very well. So +at night we contrived to break it open, beat the keepers, and make our +escape. Then what to do with myself was the question. It would go hard +with me if I were caught again; so I skulked about the country several +days, till happening to meet some lads going beyond seas to reap the +English harvest, they persuaded me to buy a reaping-hook, and go with +them. + +'But to be sure, to be sure, such a hurricane as we had at sea, and +such tumbling and tossing; and then we were driven to the world's end, +or the Land's End, or some end; but I know I thought I was come to my +own end. In short, such wonderful adventures never were known.' + +'What adventures, my friend?' cried I. 'I love to hear wonderful +adventures.' + +'Why,' said he, 'we had an adventure every moment, for every moment we +were near going to the bottom.' + +'And was that all?' cried I. + +'Then,' said he, 'there was such pulling of ropes, and reefing and +rigging; and we went over so many seas and channels; the Irish Channel, +and the British Channel, and the Bristol Channel, and the Baltic Sea, +and the Atlantic Sea, and---- Oh dear, as good as forty more.' + +'Forty more!' cried I. 'And pray what were their names?' + +'Bad luck to me if I can remember,' said he. + +'Probably you were in the Red Sea,' said I. + +'To be sure I was.' + +'And in the Black Sea?' + +'No doubt of it.' + +'And in the White Sea, and the Pacific Ocean?' + +'In every mother's soul of them.' + +'And pray what kind of seas are they?' asked I. + +'Why,' said he, 'the Red Sea is as red as blood, and the Black Sea is +as black as ink, and the White Sea is the colour of new milk, or nearer +butter-milk; and the Pacifi-ifi--What's that word?' + +'Pacific,' said I. + +'And what is the meaning of Pacific?' said he. + +'It means peaceful or calm,' answered I. + +'Gad, I thought so,' said he, 'for the devil a wave that same ocean had +on it high or low. 'Pon my conscience, it was as smooth as the palm of +my hand.' + +'Take care, Jerry,' said I, laughing; 'I am afraid----' + +'Why then,' cried he, 'that I may never----' + +'Hush!' said I. 'No swearing.' + +'By dad,' cried he, 'you had better tell my story yourself; for you +seem resolved to have it all your own way. May be you won't believe me +neither, when I tell you that I landed?' + +'As you are not at sea now,' said I, 'I will believe you.' + +'Well then,' said he, 'I suppose you will believe that I made a little +money by reaping, and then trudged to London to try my fortune.' + +'I make no doubt of the fact,' said I. 'But pray how did you contrive +to subsist in London at first?' + +'By spitting through my teeth,' said Jerry. + +'Take care,' cried I. 'This I suspect is another----' + +'If you mean lie,' said he, 'I have caught you at last; for 'tis as +true as true can be, and I will tell you all about it. You must know +that 'tis now the fashion for gentlemen to be their own coachmen; and +not only to drive like coachmen, but to talk, walk, dress, drink, +swear, and even spit like coachmen. Well, two days after my arrival in +London, as I was standing in the street, and looking about, I happened +to spit through my teeth, to the envy and admiration of a gentleman +that was just driving his own carriage by me. For he stopped, and +called me to him, and swore I should get half-a-crown if I would teach +him to _pickle a wig_,--that was the word. So when he gave me plain +English for it, I closed with him, and went to his house, and taught +him to spit so well, that my fame spread through the town, and all the +fashionable bloods came to me for instruction; till at last I had a +good mind to set up a Spitting Academy. + +'Well, I had now spit myself into such affluence, that I refused a +coachman's seat with forty pounds a year (for, as I said, even a curate +had more than that); and may be, instead of a seat on the box, I might +at last have risen to a seat in the Parliament (for many a man has got +there by dirtier tricks than mine), but that my profession, which was +of a nature to dry up my mouth, forced me to frequent porterhouses; +where, as the devil would have it, I met other gentlemen, such as I had +met before, and with just the same set of long words. + +'In a short time, all of us agreed that our country was ruined, and +that something must be done. So we made ourselves into a club, for the +purpose of writing ballads about the war, and the taxes, and a thousand +lashes that a soldier got. And we used to set ten or twelve +ballad-singers round a table in our club-room, each with her pint of +beer; and one of our club would teach them the tune with a little kit, +while I was in a cock-loft overhead composing the words. And they +reckoned me the best poet of them all; and they told me that my +writings would descend to posterity; and sometimes the thoughts came so +quick on me, that I was obliged to chalk them down on the back of the +bellows. But whenever I wanted an idea, I read the Weekly Register; and +then between the Register and the liquor, I got worked up to such a +pitch of poetry, that my blood used to run cold in the morning, at the +thoughts of what I would have done at night. + +'Well, one evening, the ballad-singers were round the table, sipping +and singing to the little kit, and I had just popt down my head through +the trap-door of the cock-loft, to ask the chairman the rhime for +_Reform_: + +'Confound you,' says he, 'didn't I tell you twenty times 'tis _a +storm_;' when in bursts the door, and a parcel of peace-officers seize +him, and the whole set, for holding seditious meetings, and publishing +inflammatory songs. Think of that! when I protest to you our only +object was, by causing disunion, and convincing our enemies that we +could not carry on the war, to procure a speedy and honorable peace. + +'Howsomever, I got out of the scrape by being concealed in the +cock-loft; and I remember well it was on that very night I first saw my +wife.' + +'Ah,' said I, 'give me the particulars of that event, the first meeting +of lovers is always so interesting!' + +'Why,' said he, 'going home sorrowful enough after the ruin of our +club, I resolved to drown care in a noggin; and accordingly turned into +a gin-shop, where I found three fruit-women from Covent Garden, bound +on the same errand.' + +'What dram shall we drink?' says they. + +'Brandy,' says one. + +'Gin,' says another. + +'Anniseed-water,' says another. And so they fell to and drank. + +'I am happy that I ever came to this City of Lunnun; for my fortune is +made,' says Brandy. + +'If my father had lived, I would be brought up to good iddication,' +says Gin. + +'If my mother had lived, I would be brought up at a boarding-school,' +says Anniseed-water. + +'Why, curse you,' says Gin, 'what was your mother but an old +apple-woman?' + +'And curse you,' says Anniseed-water, 'what was your father but a +gallows-bird of a bum-bailiff?' + +'And then they fell a fighting and scratching; and Anniseed-water (the +present Mrs. Jerry Sullivan) was getting well cuffed, when I came to +her assistance. So that was our first meeting.' + +'You may boast of it,' said I. 'Now then for your courtship.' + +'You shall hear,' said he. 'She was so much obliged to me, that she +asked me home to tea, and I went. I found her a buxom widow, and at +that time she was as fine a doorful, as tight a wench over a +washing-tub, as you would wish to see. And there was her daughter, and +a great deal of good company;--the tailor's wife, and the barber's +wife, and the pawnbroker's wife; and none so grand as they. And they +told as many lies over the first dish of tea as a parcel of porters +would over twenty barrels of strong beer. And a young valet, who I +could see was courting the widow, swore that it was as good to be out +of the world as out of the fashion, and then he whispered to her that +she looked killing genteel. But I only pinched her elbow, and I thought +she liked that better.' + +'It was very vulgar, however,' observed I. 'The first process is to +kiss the hand.' + +'Ogh!' cried Jerry, 'that is a slobbering trick, to be mumbling +knuckles just as a pup niggles at a bone. I am the man to take at once, +and fluster a woman, and reckon her ribs for her. No creeping up, and +up, and up; and then down, and down, and down, for me--Why, as I hope +to be saved, I gave that same widow a thundering kiss on three days +acquaintance.' + +'Poor thing!' exclaimed I. 'Well, and what did she say?' + +'Say? why she said, "Be quiet now, though I know you can't." So, of +course, I kissed her still more; while she changed colour in a minute +as often as a blackberry in a month. "Ha done, do;" says she, "or I +will call out, only there is nobody at home;"--when, at the moment, in +pops the valet, and catches us lip to lip. + +'Now he was a conceited sort of a chap, who used to set himself off +with great airs, shew his white hands--that, I verily believe, he +washed every day of his life;--curse and swear just like a gentleman, +keep a tooth-brush, and make both his heels meet when he bowed. + +'Well, I had nothing upon earth to oppose to all this but a bit of a +quarrel;--that was _my_ strong point;--and sure enough, I gave him +such a beating for catching us, that the widow thought me main stout, +and married me in a week. + +'With her money I set up shop; and I did not much mind her being ten +years older than myself, since she was ten times richer. I only copied +my own father there; for he once happened to be divided between two +girls, one of them with a single cow for her portion, and the other +with two cows; so he consulted his landlord which of them he should +marry, and his landlord bade him by all means marry the girl with the +two cows; "for," says he, "there is not a cow difference between any +two women." + +'So now that is my history.' + +'If I am to collect from it,' said I, 'the character of your countrymen +in your own class of life, I must conclude that they are frank, +generous, and noble; but neglected in their morals and education, and +oppressed by their superiors.' + +'Ay, there is the matter,' said Jerry. 'By way of keeping us quiet they +keep us down. Now that is just the way to prevent our keeping quiet, +for it is natural that men who are kept down should try to rise up.' + +'And why do they keep you down?' asked I. + +'Because,' answered he, 'we are of one religion, and they of another; +and they say our religion is so bad, that it would make us keep them +down, if they did not keep us down.' + +'Then,' said I, 'you ought to be greatly obliged to them for keeping +you down; because that is doing what they condemn, lest you should do +it. Now it is the highest possible test of good-nature, to become +criminal ourselves, in order to keep our friends virtuous.' + +'A wise legislator,' said the minstrel, 'ought not to forget the +eighteenth century, in his retrospection to the sixteenth, nor in his +anticipation of the twentieth.' + +'I know nothing of anticskippation,' said Jerry, 'but I will tell you a +bit of a story. When I first went to London, and was poor, I used to +dine in a cellar, with other Irishmen, where the knives and forks were +chained to the table, for fear we should steal them; though in my mind, +the surest way to make a rogue, is to let him know that you think him +one. Well, when we began to grow rich, we got a spirit, and broke the +chains, and paid for them; and broke them again, and paid for them +again, and so on. At last the master began to see that the same spirit +which made us break the chains would prevent us from stealing the +knives and forks; so he took off the chains, and then his table was no +disgrace, and we brought more company to it, and he made his fortune.' + +The minstrel and warden now retired to their allotted place of +rest--the barouche. Each was to keep watch in turn at the castle gate, +and to toll the hour on the bell. + +The wind still moaned round the turret; and now the fire, ghastly in +decay, but just tinged the projecting folds of the hangings. Dismal +looked the bed as I drew near; and while I lifted the velvet pall to +creep beneath, I shivered, and almost expected to behold the apparition +of a human face, starting from under it. When I lay down, I kept my +eyes quite closed, for fear of seeing something; nor was it till the +third bell had tolled that I fell asleep. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XXXVIII + + +I rose early this morning, and summoned Jerry to the Black Chamber, for +my head was teeming with the most important projects. + +'My friend,' said I, 'though Lady Gwyn has already acknowledged me as +the rightful owner, not alone of this castle, but of the house that she +herself inhabits, yet I cannot apply to my tenantry for rent, or even +raise a sum of money sufficient to purchase my breakfast, till she +surrenders up those deeds and parchments which would give me a legal +claim. Now as I fear I shall find it a hard matter to make her do so, I +have resolved on proposing a compromise, and on waving all title to the +house and demesne that she now occupies, provided she will consent to +put me in formal possession of this castle, and all the land +appertaining to it. + +'I have therefore determined to pay her ladyship a visit for this +purpose; but as I was driven from her house with disgrace once before, +I mean to return thither now with such a train of domestics as shall +put it out of her power to offer me insult, or detain my person. + +'Now, Warden, if I could but hire a set of servants, who would consent +to live in my castle and defend it, I would, on my part, give each of +them a lot of ground, and consider them as feudal vassals; and they +could accompany me to Lady Gwyn's. I have therefore to request that you +will instantly set off, and endeavour to procure them for me, as no +time is to be lost.' + +'Begging your ladyship's pardon,' said Jerry, 'you are sending me of a +fool's errand: for who but madmen would hire as servants in such a +castle as this? Would you have them build swallows' nests for +themselves under the windows, and live on suction like the snipes?' + +'Mr. Sullivan,' said I, 'cast no sarcasms, but go and do as you are +desired.' + +'Well, from this moment out, I say nothing,' cried Jerry. 'Nothing at +all, at all: but like the old woman's crow, I will be the devil for +thinking.' + +'Another sarcasm?' said I. + +'May be 'tis better for me to go at once, before I get into a scrape,' +cried he. 'So now, your ladyship, how many of these same feudal +vessels, as you call 'em; these vessels that are to have no drink----' + +'Jerry!----' + +'Well, well, give me my directions quick, and there is my hand on my +mouth till I am out of the castle.' + +'You may hire about fifteen or twenty of them,' said I. 'But remember, +I will have no dapper footmen, with smirking faces. I must have a clan +such as we read of in the middle ages; fellows with Norman noses, and +all sorts of frowns--men of iron, fit to live in comets.' + +'Better live in comets, than----' But he clapped his hand on his mouth +in time, and then ran down the steps. + +During his absence, I paid a visit to the poor cottagers, and after +having sat with them awhile, and promised them assistance before +evening, I returned towards the castle. + +On approaching it, I perceived, to my great surprise, Jerry also +advancing at the head of about twenty strange looking men, all armed +with bludgeons. + +'Here are the boys!' cried Jerry. 'Here are the true sort. Few Norman +noses, I believe, but all honest hearts; and though they never lived in +comets, egad they lived in Ireland, and that is worth fifty comets. +Look at 'em. Hold up your heads, you dogs. They came over only to save +the hay, and reap the harvest; but when they found their countryman and +a woman in distress, they volunteered their services; and now here they +are, ready for that same Lady Gwyn, or any lady in the land.' + +'Welcome, my friends,' said I; 'and be well assured that I will reward +you munificently.' + +'Three cheers!' cried Jerry. + +They gave three cheers. + +My heart dilated with exultation at beholding this assemblage of feudal +vassals at my command; and in a moment I had arranged my project. As it +was expedient to inspire Lady Gwyn with respect and awe, I resolved on +making the best possible display of my power, taste, and feudal +magnificence. Of course, I meant to visit her in my barouche; and since +I had no horses for it, my plan was to make some of my domestics draw +it in a triumphal manner, while the rest should follow in procession. +To let them escort me in their own ragged and unclassical dresses was +impossible; but I think you will give me credit for my ingenuity in +supplying them with others. I determined to divide the black cloth into +large pieces, which they should wear as cloaks, and to stick a black +feather in each of their hats, a costume that would give them the +pleasing appearance of Udolphian Condottieri. + +We now set about making the cloaks, but as we had not sufficient cloth +remaining, we were obliged to strip the Black Chamber of part of its +hangings. + +I had appropriated a large portion of the cloth to make flowing drapery +for Higginson, whom I meant to take in the barouche with me; but as +minstrels never wear hats, and have always bald heads, I was at a loss +how to manage about his, since he still cherished and curled his locks, +with a spruceness most unmeet for minstrelsy. At last, after repeated +assurances how much better he would look, I persuaded him to let Jerry +shave the crown of his head. + +Accordingly, Jerry performed the tonsoral operation in the Black +Chamber, while I remained below, fixing the feathers and cloaks on my +domestics. These poor fellows, who, I suppose, had never read even an +alphabet, much less a romance, in their lives, stood gaping at each +other in silent wonder, though some of them attempted unmeaning, and, I +must say, troublesome jests on what was going forward. + +When drest, a more formidable and picturesque group than they presented +you never beheld, and while I was still admiring them, forth from the +turret issued the minstrel. But such a spectacle! Half his huge head +was shorn of its hair: his black garments, knotted just under his bare +neck, gave a new ghastliness to his face, while his eyes, as he +rivetted them upon me, were starting out of their sockets with anxiety +and agitation. He looked preternatural. To contain was impossible: I +began laughing, and the Irishman uttered a shout of derision. + +The poor man looked round him, turned as pale as ashes; his face began +to work and quiver, and at last he burst into a piteous fit of crying. +Then suddenly lifting a prodigious stone, he whirled it at Jerry's +head, who ducked for his life, and saved it. + +'And what did I do to you?' cried Jerry. + +'You shaved my head because you knew it would spoil my looks,' cried +the minstrel. 'And you are endeavouring to outdo me with my mistress, +and she likes you better than me;--but it cannot be holpen. Oh, dear, +dear!' + +I tried to sooth him: nothing would do, nor could I persuade him to +accompany me; so now, all being ready, I posted two sentinels on the +top of the turret, and then got into my barouche. Six vassals were +deputed to draw it, the rest followed with their oaken saplings under +their cloaks, and Jerry headed the whole. Never was a more august +procession; and I will venture to say, that this country, at least, +never saw any thing like it. + +As we proceeded along the road, the people ran out of their houses to +gaze on us. Some said that we were strolling players, and others swore +that we were going to a funeral; while a rabble of boys and girls +capered at our heels, and gathered as we went. + +It was not till about five o'clock that we reached Lady Gwyn's avenue. +We paused there a moment, while I made my attendants shake the dust +from their cloaks, and wipe the barouche; and now, with a beating +heart, I found myself at her door. + +Jerry then pealed an authoritative rap. The door opened. The servant +stared. + +'Inform the Lady Gwyn,' said I, 'that her niece, the Lady Cherubina de +Willoughby, desires the honour of a conference with her.' + +The fellow grinned, and vanished; and, in a few minutes, out came her +ladyship, accompanied by several guests, some of whose faces I +remembered having seen there before. I therefore felt doubly delighted +that I had come in such feudal and chivalric pomp. + +They greeted me with great kindness and respect. + +Carelessly bowing to Lady Gwyn, as I sat half reclined in the barouche, +I thus addressed her: + +'I now come to your ladyship with a proposal, which it is as generous +in me to offer, as it will be politic in you to accept. And first, +learn, that I am at this moment in actual possession of Monkton Castle, +the noble seat of my ancestors. To that castle, and to this house, your +ladyship has already acknowledged my just right; and to both, of +course, I can establish my claim by a judiciary process. + +'As, however, I prefer a more amicable mode of adjustment, and am +willing to spare the effusion of money, I now declare my readiness to +make over this house and demesne to your ladyship, and to your heirs +for ever, on condition that you, on your part, will surrender to me, +without delay or reservation, the title deeds of Monkton Castle, and +all the Monkton estate. This is a generous proposal. What say you? Yes +or no?' + +'Lady Cherubina,' returned her ladyship, 'I cannot think of entering +into terms with you, till you restore the portrait that you purloined +from this house. But, in the mean time, as a proof of my desire to +settle matters amicably, I request the honour of your company at dinner +to-day.' + +'Your ladyship must excuse me,' said I, with a noble air. 'During our +present dispute respecting this house, I should deem it derogatory to +my honour and my dignity, were I to enter it in the capacity of guest.' + +'Why then, death and 'ounds!' cried Jerry, 'is it to refuse so good an +offer, after starving all the morning!' + +'Starving!' cried Lady Gwyn. + +'We have not put a morsel inside our mouths this blessed day,' said +Jerry; 'and even yesterday we dined on potatoes and milk, and a sort of +a contrivance of a cake that your ladyship would'nt throw to your cat.' + +I thought I should drop at this exposure of our poverty, and I +commanded him to be silent. + +'Time enough for silence when one has spoken,' cried he. 'But sure, +would'nt it vex a saint to hear you talking about honour and dignity, +when all the time you are in a starving state!' + +'Sensibly remarked,' said Lady Gwyn. 'And pray, my good fellow, who are +you?' + +'My warden,' answered I quickly, lest he should speak. 'And these are +my feudal vassals; and I have left my minstrel, and the rest of my +faithful people, on the battlements of the eastern tower, just over the +Black Chamber, to guard my castle.' + +'And for all this fine talk,' cried Jerry, 'we have not so much as a +rap farthing amongst the whole set of us. So pray, your ladyship, do +make her stay dinner--Do. Or may be,' (said he, getting closer and +whispering Lady Gwyn), 'may be you would just lend her half-a-crown or +so; and, 'pon my soul, I will pay you myself in ten days.' + +'Silence, traitor!' cried I, rising in the barouche, and dignifying my +manner. 'I do not want a dinner: I would not accept of a dinner; but +above all, of a dinner in this house, till I am mistress of it!' + +'And is it true,' cried Jerry to Lady Gwyn, 'that she is the real +mistress of this house?' + +'Oh! certainly, certainly,' said her ladyship. + +'Oh! certainly, certainly,' said the guests. + +'Well, bad luck to me, if ever I believed it, till this moment,' cried +Jerry. 'And why then won't your ladyship give it up to her?' + +'Because,' answered she, 'the quiet surrender of an estate was never +yet read of in romances.' + +''Tis the only rational excuse you can assign,' said I. + +'Dinner is on the table,' said the butler coming to the door. + +'And so,' cried Jerry to me, 'you won't dine in this house till you are +mistress of it?' + +'Never, as I hope to see heaven!' answered I. + +'And so,' cried he to Lady Gwyn, 'you won't make her mistress of it?' + +'Never, as I hope to see heaven!' answered she. + +'Why then,' cried Jerry, 'since one refuses to dine in it till she is +mistress of it, and since the other owns that she ought to be mistress +of it, and yet won't make her mistress of it; by the powers, I will +make her mistress of it in two minutes!' + +So saying, he shouted some words in an uncouth jargon (Irish, I +suppose) to my vassals, several of whom instantly darted into the +house, others brandished their sticks in the faces of the guests; Jerry +himself ran, lifted me from the barouche, and bore me into the hall; +while the rest brought up the rear, and beat back the gentlemen who +were attempting to rush between us and the door. + +Jerry set me down in the hall, where I stood motionless, while some of +my domestics scudded, with merry uproar, through kitchen, parlour, +drawing-room, garret; and drove footman, maid, valet, cook, scullion, +and lap-dog, all out of the house. + +'Now then,' cried Jerry, shutting the hall-door, 'your ladyship is in +quiet possession for ever and ever.' + +'Jerry,' said I, 'there is no knowing how this will end. But come into +that parlour, for some of my people are making a sad riot there.' + +In we went; it was the dining-room, and to my great astonishment, I +found about a dozen of my domestics already round the table, eating and +drinking as if nothing had happened. In vain Jerry and I desired them +to desist; they did not even seem to hear us. They laughed and capered, +and tore whole joints with their hands, and swallowed the richest wines +from the decanters. The rest soon flocked in, and then such a scene of +confusion arose as struck me with utter dismay. And now, having glutted +themselves, they ran to the windows, and exhibited the mangled meat and +diminished wine to the dismayed eyes of poor Lady Gwyn. There she stood +in the midst of her friends, looking like a bedlamite; and as soon as I +appeared, she beckoned me, with the most frantic gesticulations, to +open the window. + +I called the warden to my side, and flung up the sash. + +'Let us in, let us in!' cried she. 'My house will be destroyed by these +diabolical miscreants! Oh! let us in, let us in!' + +'Lady Gwyn,' said I, 'these outrages are on my house, not on your's. +But be well assured that whatever injury your personal property may +sustain, it is contrary to my wishes, and will by me be amply +compensated.' + +'Gracious powers!' exclaimed she. 'My precious cabinet, and all my +furniture will be demolished! Won't you save my house? won't you? dear +ma'am, won't you?' + +'_Your_ house?' cried Jerry. 'Why I had your own word for it just now +that it was my own lady's house. So, if you told a lie, take the +consequence. But we have got possession, and let me see who will dare +drive us out.' + +'Here they are that will soon drive you out!' cried a servant. + +'Here they are, here they are!' echoed every one. + +All eyes were now directed down the avenue, and, to my horror, I +perceived a large party of soldiers, in full march towards the house. + +'We shall have a bloody battle of it,' whispered Jerry. 'But never +fear, my lady, we will fight to the last gasp. Hollo, lads, here is a +battle for you!' + +At that magic word, all the Irishmen clubbed their sticks, and ran +forward. + +'We must surrender,' said I. 'Never could I bear the dreadful contest.' + +'By the mother that bore me,' cried Jerry, 'I will defend the house in +spite of you!' + +'Then I will walk out of it,' said I. + +'Well, surrender away!' cried Jerry, 'and may all the---- Oh! murder, +murder, to give up your own house without a bit of a battle!' + +By this time the soldiers had arrived, and the magistrate who was at +their head, advanced, and desired me to have the door opened instantly. + +'Provided you pledge yourself that none of my brave fellows shall be +punished,' answered I. + +'You shall all be punished with the utmost rigour of the law,' said the +magistrate. + +'Since that is the case then,' cried I, 'and since I cannot keep +possession of my house, I am resolved that no one else shall. Know, +Sir, I have, at this instant, six of my domestics, each with a lighted +brand, stationed in different apartments; and the moment you order your +men to advance, that moment I give the signal, and the house bursts +into a blaze.' + +'If you dare,' cried the magistrate. + +'Dare!' cried Lady Gwyn. 'The creature would dare any thing. Dare! why +she burned a house once before. She did, I protest to you; so pray, +make some conditions with her, or she will burn this now. I tell you +the girl is quite----' and she whispered something in the magistrate's +ear. + +'Well,' said the magistrate to me, 'will you promise never to come here +again, provided I now let you and your gang pass without detention or +punishment?' + +'I will,' answered I. 'But I must make some conditions too. In the +first place, will your ladyship give me back my cloaths and the money +that I left behind me, when I was here last?' + +'I will,' answered her ladyship. + +'In the next place,' said I, 'will your ladyship promise not to prevent +me from inhabiting Monkton Castle, till such time as the law shall +determine which of us has a right to the contested estates?' + +'Undoubtedly,' replied her ladyship. + +'And now,' said I, 'I must have the distinct and solemn declaration of +every individual present, that neither myself nor my people shall +suffer any molestation in consequence of what we have done.' + +All present pledged their honours. + +'Now then,' said I, 'we will open the door.' + +Accordingly, the warden opened it, and I issued forth with a majestic +demeanour, while my awful band marched after their triumphant mistress. + +Lady Gwyn and her guests hastened into the house, without even wishing +me good evening, and the soldiers drew up before the door. + +In a few minutes, a servant came out with my dresses and the money. +Having received them, I got into my barouche, and, drawn by my vassals, +proceeded homeward. We were silent for some time, but at length I +called Jerry to the side of the carriage. + +'Well, my friend,' cried I, quite cheerful, 'I think we have come off +famously.' + +'Yes,' said Jerry. + +'I flatter myself,' added I, 'we have made a good day's work of it.' + +'Yes,' said Jerry. + +'Nothing but yes!' said I. 'Why now, do you not think we have obtained +the most decisive advantages? Was it not a glorious affair?' + +'Since I must speak out,' cried Jerry, 'I think it was the bluest +business that ever was botched by poltroons.' + +'It was all your own doing, however,' said I. 'So now you may walk on, +Sir.' + +Jerry tossed his hat at one side, and strutted forward. + +'Come back, Jerry,' cried I. 'Here is my hand. You are a faithful +fellow, and would have died for me.' + +'Ah, bless you!' cried he. 'You quarrel like a cat, but you make up +like an angel!' + +It was night before we reached the castle; and as I had not tasted a +morsel all day, I dispatched Jerry to the village for provisions, and +other matters. I then divided six guineas among my domestics, and +desired them to return next morning, as I should want them to repair +the fortifications, dig a mote, and excavate subterranean passages. + +They gave three cheers, and departed. + +In about an hour Jerry returned with a cart containing an abundant +stock of provisions;--bread, meat, potatoes, tea, sugar, &c. besides, a +kettle, plates, cups and saucers, &c. + +After having unloaded and dismissed the cart, we made a fire in the +Black Chamber, and supped. I then took a solitary walk, and carried +some victuals to the poor cottagers. They received the donation with +gratitude, and I left them to the comforts of a hearty meal. + +It is now probable that I may reside some time at my castle; and as to +my villa, I wish Lady Gwyn joy of it; for in my opinion it is a fright. +Conceive the difference between the two. The villa mere lath and +plaster; with its pretty little stucco-work, and its pretty little +paintings, and its pretty little bronzes. Nice, new, sweet, and +charming, are the only epithets that one can apply to it; while +antique, sublime, terrible, picturesque, and Gothic, are the adjectives +appropriate to my castello. What signify laced footmen, Chinese vases, +Grecian tripods, and Turkish sofas, in comparison with feudal vassals, +ruined towers, black hangings, dampness, and ivy? And to a person of +real taste, a single stone of this edifice is worth a whole cart-load +of such stones as the onyx, and sardonyx, and the other barbarous +baubles belonging to Lady Gwyn. But nothing diverts me more than the +idea that poor Lady Gwyn is twice as old as the house she lives in. I +have got a famous simile on the subject. What think you of a decayed +nut in an unripe shell? The woman is sixty if she is a day. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XXXIX + + +The moist shadows of night had fled, dawn shook the dew from his purple +ringlets, and the sun, that well-known gilder of eastern turrets, arose +with his usual punctuality. I too rose, and having now recovered my +wardrobe, enjoyed the luxury of changing my dress; for I had worn the +same cloaths several days, and consequently was become a perfect +slattern. How other heroines manage, I cannot imagine; for I have read +of some of them who were thrown among mountains, or into cells, and +desolate chambers, and caverns; full of slime, mud, vermin, dust, and +cobwebs, where they remained whole months without clean linen, soap, +brush, towel, or comb; and, at last, when rescued from captivity, forth +they walked, glittering like the morning star, as fragrant as a lily, +and as fresh as an oyster. + +We breakfasted on the top of the tower; and after our repast, the +minstrel told me that he had employed the day before in composing a +Metrical Romance, called 'Monkton Castle;' which, with my permission, +he would now repeat. + +I was delighted; and to give it every advantage, I placed him at the +harp, flung his black garments over him, and making him sit on the +battlements, endeavoured to fix him in the fine attitude of old Allan +Bane; but his limbs were so muscular and impracticable, that I could +make nothing of them. With an emphatic enunciation, he thus began. + + MONKTON CASTLE + + A METRICAL ROMANCE + + + Awake, my harp, sweet plaintiff, wake once more, + Now while bedight in shadowy amice dim, + Eve bathes the mountains in her radiant gore, + And edges ocean with a fiery rim. + And while I touch, with nails ypared anew, + Thy parallel and quadrupedal strings, + May fairies brush away the vesper dew, + That else mote moist the chorded chitterlings. + And ah! full oft the learned tribe, I trow, + With baleful dews of cavil damp thy strain. + But morning shall return, the sun shall glow, + The baleful dews shall fly, the harp shall sound again. + + It was a castle of turrets grey, + All nettles and chickweed inside; + Where the wind did howl the livelong day, + And the livelong night beside. + It had no windows or roof, I am sure, + Or parlour for Bell-accoyle; + Where a Belamay and a Belamoure, + In daynt Bellgards mote moyl. + +'That same parlour,' said Jerry, 'has bells enough to bother the +rookery of Thomastown, and that is the largest in Ireland.' + + Nathlesse, to stablish her rights, I ween, + Came to that castle fair Cherubine. + Nor the wind day and night could her astound, + Nor the nettles and chickweed that grew on the ground. + She was of the house of De Willoughby, + And her story was long and melancholie; + But her beauty never could rivalled be. + + Glittered her tresses like beams of sun, + And snake-like over her neck did run. + Her cheek, where dimples made beauteous breach, + Lovelily smiled, and the down on each + Was soft as fur of unfingered peach. + While thro' her marble a blush did gleam, + Like ruddy berries, all crushed in cream. + + The minstrel to the castle hied, + His mother's hope, his mother's pride. + Gramercy, how that mother cried! + He was a gentle man of thought, + And grave, but not ungracious aught. + His face with thinking lines was wrought. + And though his head was bald a space, + Than he who shore it will get grace. + +'Now that is a slap at me!' cried Jerry. + + Yet, though he sold full half his books, + To lay out money on his looks; + The lady had such deep disdain; + That the poor minstrel, in his pain, + From the hour that is natal, + To the hour that is fatal, + Mote sing these words, and sing in vain. + + SONG + + _The birds are all singing, + The bells are all ringing, + And tidings are bringing, + Of peace and of joy. + Then let us, my treasure, + In love without measure, + And tenderest pleasure, + Our moments employ._ + +'Eh! what? what's all that?' cried Jerry. 'Why sure--body o'me, sure +you ant--Oh, confound me, but 'tis making love to the mistress you +are!' + +The minstrel blushed, and more pointedly repeated; + + But her favourite warden, could he but sing, + He not unlistened, would touch the string, + Tho' he was a man with unchisseled face; + From eye to eye too little a space; + A jester withouten one attic joke, + And the greatest liar that ever spoke. + +'Bad luck to you, what do you mean by that?' cried Jerry, running +towards him. 'I will box you for a shilling!' + +'You are not worth one,' exclaimed the minstrel, starting up. + +'I will leave your carcase not worth one,' cried Jerry. + +'That would be more than your's is worth now,' returned the minstrel. + +'For shame, my friends!' cried I. 'Mr. Higginson, I declare your +conduct is that of a child.' + +'Because you treat me like one,' said he. 'And you treat him like a +man.' + +'But you should treat him like a gentleman,' said I. + +'Well, well, well,' cried the minstrel; 'there is my hand for you, Mr. +Sullivan.' + +'And there is mine for you,' said Jerry. 'Hand in hand is better than +fist to fist at any time.' + +'I will defer hearing the remainder of your poem,' said I, 'till you +have altered it. But my good friend, do not forget to tell that I +inhabit the _eastern_ turret, and to give a full description of it. +You might begin thus: + + He who would view that east turret aright, + Must go at rosy-finger'd morning bright.' + +'Rosy-fingered morning!' cried Jerry. 'Why, how can the morning have +rosy fingers?' + +'It has not,' answered I. 'The poets only say so by way of ornament.' + +'And yet,' cried Jerry, 'if I had said, when I was telling you my +history, that I saw a set of red fingers and thumbs rising in the east +every morning, I warrant you would have called me a liar, just as you +did about that business of the Pacific Ocean.' + +'Why,' said the minstrel, 'we poets are permitted a peculiar latitude +of language, which enables us to tell Homeric falsehoods, without fear +of the society for discountenancing vice. Thus, when we speak of + + The lightning of her angel smile, + +we do not expect one to believe that fire comes out of her mouth, +whenever it laughs.' + +'Not unless her teeth were flints,' said Jerry. 'But if you said that +fire came out of her eyes, one would believe you sooner; for this I +know, that many and many a time Molly has struck fire out of mine.' + +'A heroine's eye,' said I, 'gives a greater scope to the poet than any +thing in the world. It is all fire and water. If it is not beaming, or +sparkling, it is sure to be drowned or swimming----' + +'In the Pacific Ocean, I hope,' cried Jerry. + +'No, but in tears,' said the minstrel. 'And of these there is an +infinite variety. There is the big tear, and the bitter tear, and the +salt tear, and the scalding tear.' + +'And, ah!' cried I, 'how delightful, when two lovers lay cheek to +cheek, and mingle these tears; or when the tender youth kisses them +from his mistress's cheek!' + +'Troth, then, that must be no small compliment,' said Jerry, 'since +they are so brackish and scalding as you say. Water itself is maukish +at any time, but salt water is the devil. Well, if I took such a dose +of a snivelling chit's tears, I would season it with a dram, or my name +is not Jerry.' + +'And, by the by, I wish Jerry were not your name,' said I. ''Tis so +vulgar for a warden. Indeed, I have often thought of altering it to +_Jeronymo_; which, I fancy, is the Italian of _Jerry_. For, in my +opinion, nothing can equal Italian names ending in O.' + +'Except Irish names beginning with O,' cried Jerry. + +'Nay,' said I, 'what can be finer than Montalto, Stefano, Morano, +Rinaldo, Ubaldo, Utaldo?' + +'I will tell you,' said Jerry. 'O'Brien, O'Leary, O'Flaherty, +O'Flanigan, O'Guggerty, O'Shaugnassy----' + +'Oh, ecstasy!' exclaimed a voice just beneath the turret. I looked +down, and beheld--Montmorenci himself, clad in armour, and gazing up at +me with an attitude that mocked mortal pencil. + +I waved my hand, and smiled. + +'What? whom do I behold?' cried he. 'Ah,'tis but a dream! Yet I spoke +to her, I am sure I spoke to her; and she beckoned me. Merciful powers! +Why this terror? Is it not Cherubina, and would Cherubina hurt her +Montmorenci?' + +'Jerry, Jerry,' said I; 'run down to the Black Chamber, and clean it +out quick. Sweep the ashes into a corner, hide the pipkin and kettle, +pin up the cloaks against the walls; put the leg of mutton under the +bed. Run, run.--My lord, the Lady Cherubina hastes to receive your +lordship at her ever-open portal.' + +I then descended, and met him beneath the gateway. His greeting was +frantic, but decorous; mine endearing, but reserved. Several very +elegant things were said on both sides. Of course, he snatched my hand, +and fed upon it. + +At last, when I supposed that Jerry had regulated the room above, I +conducted his lordship up the steps; while I anticipated his delight at +beholding so legendary, fatal, and inconvenient a chamber. + +His astonishment was, indeed, excessive. He stared round and round, +admired the black hangings, the bed, the bell, and the horn. + +'I see,' said he, advancing to the ashes, 'that you are even classical +enough to burn a fire of wood. But ha! (and he started,) what do mine +eyes behold beneath these embers? A BONE, by all that is horrible! +Perhaps part of the skeleton of some hysterical innocent, or some +pathetic count, who was murdered centuries ago in the haunted +apartment of this mysterious castle. Interesting relic! Speak, Lady +Cherubina. Is it as I suspect?' + +'Why,' said I, 'I believe--that is to say--for aught I can tell----' + +''Pon my conscience,' cried Jerry, 'her ladyship knows just as well as +I do that 'tis nothing but the blade-bone of mutton which she got +broiled for her supper last night.' + +'Impossible, Sir!' exclaimed his lordship. 'A heroine never eats of a +four-footed animal. 'Tis always the leg of a lark, or the wing of a +chicken.' And so saying, he began divesting himself of his spear, +shield, and helmet. + +'Pray, Mr. Blunderer,' whispered I to Jerry, 'did I not desire you to +clean out the room?' + +'You did not say a word about the blade-bone,' said Jerry. + +'But did I not bid you clean out the room?' repeated I. + +'Don't I tell you----' cried Jerry. + +'Can't you speak low?' said I. + +'Don't I tell you that not one syllable about the blade-bone ever came +outside your lips?' + +'Grant me patience!' said I. 'Answer me yes or no. Did I, or did I not, +order you to clean out the room?' + +'Now bad luck to me,' said he, 'if you ant all this time confounding +the blade-bone of mutton with the leg of mutton that you bade me put +under the bed. And accordingly----' + +'Gracious goodness!' said I, 'can't you speak within your breath?' + +'And accordingly,' whispered he, 'I put it under the velvet pall, +because I thought it might be seen under the bed.' + +'Well, that shewed _some_ discretion,' said I. + +'Though after all my pains,' said Jerry, 'there is the man in the tin +cloaths has just stripped down that same pall, and discovered the +mutton, and the parsnips, and the bag of salt, and the pewter spoons, +and----' + +'Oh, Jerry, Jerry!' said I, dropping my arms lifeless at my sides; +'after that, I give you up!' + +I then called to his lordship, and drew off his attention, by beginning +an account of all that had happened since our parting. He listened with +great eagerness; and, after my recital, begged of the warden to retire +with him, that they might consult on the best line of policy to be +adopted in the present state of my affairs. + +They descended the steps; I remained alone. Montmorenci had left his +helmet, shield, and spear behind. I pressed each of them to my heart, +heaved several sighs, and paced the chamber. Still I felt that I was +not half fervent or tender enough; something was still wanting, and I +had just asked myself if that something could be love, when I heard a +sudden disturbance below; his lordship crying out, 'Oh, what shall I +do?' and Jerry bidding him 'grin and bear it.' + +Down I hastened, and beheld Jerry belabouring him without mercy. + +'Wretch,' cried I, rushing between them: 'forbear.' + +'Not till I beat him to a paste,' cried Jerry. 'The villain, to go and +offer me a bribe if I would help him in forcing you to marry him.' + +''Tis false as hell!' cried his lordship. + +'I would stake my life that it is,' said I. 'So now, Mr. Sullivan, down +on your knees this moment, and ask pardon, or quit my service.' + +'But can that restore the teeth he has knocked out?' exclaimed his +lordship, with a finger in his mouth. + +'Teeth!' cried I, shuddering. + +'Two teeth,' said he. + +'Two teeth!' exclaimed I, faintly. + +'Two front teeth,' said he. + +'Then all is over!' muttered I. 'Matters have taken a dreadful turn.' + +'What do you mean?' cried he. + +'My lord,' said I, 'are you quite, quite certain that you have lost +them?' + +'See yourself,' cried he, lifting his lip. 'They are gone, gone for +ever!' + +'They are indeed,' said I. 'And now you may be gone too.' + +'Ha! what mean you?' cried he. + +'My lord,' said I, 'of this you must be conscious, that a complete set +of teeth are absolutely indispensible to a hero.' + +'Well?' cried he, starting. + +'Well,' said I, 'having lost two of your's, you must be conscious that +you are no longer a hero.' + +'You stretch my heart-strings!' cried he. 'Speak! what hideous whim is +this?' + +'No whim, my lord,' answered I; 'but principle, and founded on law +heroic; founded on that law, which rejects as heroes, the maimed, the +blind, the deformed, and the crippled. Trust me, my good lord, teeth +are just as necessary in the formation of a hero as a comb.' + +'By Heaven!' cried he; 'I can get other teeth at a dentist's; a +composition of paste that would amaze you. I can by all that is just.' + +'That you may, my lord,' said I, 'and be happy with them; for never can +you be happy with me.' + +'I am wilder than madness itself!' cried he; 'I am more desperate than +despair! I will fly to the ends of the earth, hide in a cavern, and +throw my ideas into a sonnet. On a fine summer's evening, when you walk +towards the mountains, sometimes think of me.' + +'Never as a lover, my lord,' said I: 'so put that out of your head at +once. Oh! it shocks me to think I should ever have received you as +one!' + +He began a tremendous imprecation; but was interrupted by the sudden +arrival of a gentleman on horseback with a servant after him. The +gentleman stopped, alighted, approached. + +'Mr. Betterton!' cried I; 'can it be possible?' + +'Nothing is impossible,' said he, with his obsequious bow and confirmed +smile, 'when the charming Cherubina prompts our efforts. You remember +you left me in a ridiculous dilemma, which your friend Stuart +contrived;--masterpiece of ingenuity, faith, and for which I freely +forgive him: he's an excellent young fellow; excellent, 'pon my soul; +and I have made my friends so merry with an account of that affair. +Well, I remained in limbo till the sessions, when none appearing to +prosecute, the judge discharged me; so the first use I made of my +liberty was to visit Lady Gwyn, who told me that I should find you +here; here therefore I am to pay you my devoirs.' + +I thanked him, and then bade Jerry run towards the village, and hurry +my vassals; as the castle lost much of its pomp without them. + +Jerry went: my visitors recognized each other; and already their +hostile feelings and opposite interests had began to manifest +themselves, when, to my great surprise, three men turned short round +the western tower, and stood before me. + +'That is she!' cried one of them. + +I looked at the speaker, and recognized in him the postilion who had +brought down the barouche. + +'Your name is Cherry Wilkinson,' said another of them to me. + +'Sir,' said I, haughtily: 'my name is Lady Cherubina de Willoughby.' + +'That is your _travelling_ name,' rejoined he: 'but your real name +I discovered at your lodgings in Drury-Lane; which lodgings I found out +from the wife of one Jerry Sullivan, the man that conspired with you to +swindle Mr. Perrot, the coach-maker, out of the barouche yonder. You +see, I have the whole story; so you need not deny it; and now, Miss, +look at this warrant. I arrest you, in the king's name, for the most +audacious piece of swindling that ever came in my way to know.' + +With these words he seized me, and was dragging me from the castle, +while I screamed for help. + +'A rescue! a rescue!' cried Betterton, and collared the man who held +me. Montmorenci laid hold of the other, and the servant felled the +postilion to the ground. And now a furious fight began. The man whom +Betterton had seized drew a pistol and fired it: at this moment, down +came the minstrel from the turret; I got loose and ran into the castle, +nor ventured to look again, till, after much uproar, I heard a shout of +victory from my friends: then venturing to the gateway, I saw the three +wretches limping from the place, in piteous plight. + +It now appeared that the ball aimed at Betterton had just grazed the +fleshy part of his servant's arm, which was bleeding a good deal. I +felt much shocked, and assisted him in binding the wound. This matter +employed some minutes, and during that time, I could perceive Betterton +and Montmorenci whispering earnestly together. + +At last Betterton addressed me thus: + +'Now, Lady Cherubina, should we remain here much longer, we shall +certainly be seized and imprisoned for having assaulted his majesty's +officers in the discharge of their duty. We have, therefore, nothing +for it but flight. My house is but a few miles distant, and as these +officers could not have known me, we shall be perfectly safe there. +What says your ladyship? Shall we repair thither?' + +'Sir,' answered I; 'as I was not concerned in that assault, and as I am +innocent of the crime for which they came to take me, nothing shall +induce me to quit my castle: if they chuse to make another attempt, I +shall go with them, establish my innocence, and return triumphant. But +if I am to act on the skulking system, how can I reside here at all?' + +Montmorenci now joined his entreaties, but I remained immoveable. Again +they retired to consult, and again came forward. + +'Lady Cherubina,' said Betterton, 'you must excuse me when I say that +both Lord Montmorenci (for his lordship has just disclosed to me his +noble lineage) and myself conceive ourselves fully warranted in +compelling, if we cannot persuade your ladyship, to leave this castle +(where we cannot remain to protect you), and in conveying you to my +mansion, where you will be safe.' + +'Compel me?' cried I. 'Compel me? But I disdain to hold farther parley +with you. Farewell for ever. Minstrel, follow me to the Black Chamber.' + +'Stop them!' cried Betterton. + +His lordship placed himself between us and the gateway: the minstrel, +brandishing his collected knuckles, struck him to the ground. Betterton +assailed my brave defender behind, the servant before; but he fought +with desperation, and his blow was like the kick of a horse. Still +numbers appeared about to prevail; and now his breathing grew shorter, +and his blow slower, when, transport to my sight! I beheld Jerry, with +several of my vassals, come running towards us. They reached us: the +tide of battle turns, and his lordship and the servant are well beaten +with bludgeons; while Jerry himself does the honours to Betterton, in a +kicking. + +Nobody could bear it more gently than he did; and after it was over, he +mounted his horse and vociferated: + +'Now, by all that is sacred, I will go this moment, raise the +neighbourhood, and have you driven from your nest, you set of +vipers;--you common nuisances, you! Lady Gwyn's castle shall no longer +be made the receptacle of ragged and marauding Irishmen.' + +So saying, off he gallopped on one horse, and his lordship on another; +while the servant trudged on foot. + +We now held a grand council of war, for affairs began to wear an +alarming aspect. If Betterton should put his threat of raising the +neighbourhood into execution, a most formidable force might be +collected against us. After much deliberation, therefore, it was +decided, that some of the vassals should be dispatched to collect more +of their countrymen, who, they said, slept in several adjoining +villages. I too wrote a note to Susan, begging that she would raise a +counterposse in my favour, and rescue me from an implacable enemy, as I +had rescued her from a criminal and fatal attachment. This note I sent +to her cottage by one of my vassals. + +During this awful interval, the remainder of those who had been with me +yesterday arrived. I planted sentinels and outposts, and employed the +rest in filling up the windows with stones, repairing the breaches, and +searching amidst the rubbish for the mouth of some subterranean cavern, +where I might conceal myself in the last emergency. + +As I had not a white and azure standard, like Beatrice, I directed +Jerry to stain a large piece of muslin with the blood of the wounded +servant, which still besprinkled the grass; then to fasten it on a long +pole, and hoist it, as my banner, at an angle of the eastern turret. + +Susan's cottage being only half a mile from the castle, the messenger +soon returned with an answer, that she would certainly assemble her +friends, and come to me. Just as he had announced these happy tidings, +another came back, with a fresh accession of ten Irishmen; and in a +short time more arrived; till at length we mustered to the amount of +fifty. + +I stood, and gloried in my strength. Already I beheld the foundation of +a feudal settlement. Already I considered myself the restorer of that +chivalric age, when neighbouring barons were deadly foes, and their +sons and daughters clandestine lovers. Ah! what times for a heroine! it +was then that the Lady Buccleugh and the Duchess of Cleves flourished. + +'And these,' cried I, in an ecstasy of enthusiasm, 'these shall again +revive in the person of Lady Cherubina De Willoughby!' + +As I spoke, Jerry came to tell me that one of the scouts had just +returned with information of his having seen a large party of Lady +Gwyn's tenants assembling about a quarter of a mile off; in order, as +he found on inquiry, to drive us from the castle. + +Now then was approaching the most important moment of my life, and I +resolved to support my part with dignity. As the first step, I dressed +myself in a style of magnificence suited to the occasion. Having flung +the drapery of embroidered gauze over my white muslin, I next (in +imitation of ancient heroines, who wore armour in the day of battle), +put Montmorenci's helmet on my head; then, with his shield in the one +hand, and his spear in the other, never did I look so lovely. + +I now called up the warden, and constituted him commander of the +forces; then ordered him to send six picked men, and the minstrel, as +my body-guards, up to the Black Chamber. + +They came; I equipped them in black cloaks and feathers, and made them +mount to the top of the tower. In a few minutes afterwards I myself +ascended with a beating heart. There I found the preparations for +battle almost completed. The bloody standard was streaming to the gale; +the body-guards were collecting a heap of stones from the broken +parapet; while beneath the turret I beheld the whole of my troops, with +oaken staffs, marshalled in awful array. The spectacle was grand and +imposing. Lightly I leaned on my spear; and while my feathered casque +pressed my ringlets, and my purfled drapery floated and glistened in +the sun, I stood on the battlements, mildly sublime, sweetly stern, +amiable in arms, and adorned with all the terrible graces of beauty +belligerent. + +I now resolved to harangue my men for the purpose of encouraging them, +and of attaching them to my person; but as I knew nothing of political +orations, I had nothing for it but to copy the speech of Beatrice in +the Knights of the Swan; and those that I had read in the daily prints. + +A profound silence prevailed; I waved my spear, and thus began. + +'My brave associates, partners of my toil, my feelings and my fame! Two +days have I now been sovereign of this castle, and I hope I may flatter +myself that I have added to its prosperity. Young, and without +experience, I merely claim the merit of blameless sentiments and +intentions. + +'Threatened with a barbarous incursion from my deadliest enemies, I +have deemed it indispensible to collect a faithful band of vassals for +my defence. They have come at my call, and I thank them. + +'I promise to them all such laws and institutions as shall secure +their happiness. I will acknowledge the majesty of the people. +(_Applause._) I will give to them a full, fair, and free +representation. (_Applause._) And I will grant to them a radical +reform; or in other words, a revival of the feudal system. (_Shouts of +applause._) I will assume no monarchial prerogatives that are unjust; +if I should, do not forget that the people have always the power and +the right to depose a tyrant. + +'I promise that there shall be no dilapidated hopes and resources; no +army of mercenaries, no army of spies, no inquisition of private +property, no degraded aristocracy, no oppressed people, no confiding +parliament, no irresponsible minister. (_Acclamation._) In short, I +promise every thing. (_Thunders of acclamation._) + +'Each man shall have an acre of ground, a cottage, and an annual +salary. (_Long life to you! cried the troops. That is the best thing +you have said!_) Such is the constitution, such are the privileges +that I propound to you. Now then, my brave fellows, will you consent on +these conditions to rally round my standard, to live in my service, and +to die in my defence? (_We will! we will! cried they._) + +'Thank you, my generous followers; and the crisis is just approaching +when I shall have occasion for your most strenuous exertions. Already +my mortal foe prepares to storm my castle, and drive me from my +hereditary domain. Already he has excited my own tenantry to sedition +against me. Should he succeed in his atrocious object, I must return +to my tears, and you to your sickles. But should we repel him, my +government will be secured, my territory perhaps enlarged, my castle +rebuilt; and the cause of liberty will triumph. What heart but throbs, +what voice but shouts, at the name of liberty? (_Huzza!_) Is there a +man amongst you who would refuse to lay down his life for liberty? +(_Huzza!_) And if, on an important occasion like the present, I might +take the liberty--(_Huzza!_) to dictate, I would demand of you this +day to sacrifice every earthly consideration in her sacred cause. I do +demand it of you, my friends. I call upon your feelings, your +principles, and your policy, to discard family, property, and life, in +a cause so just, so wise, and so glorious. Let eye, foot, heart, hand, +be firm, be stern, be valiant, be invincible!' + +I ceased, the soldiery tore the blue air with acclamations, and the +ravens overhead flew swifter at the sound. + +I now found that it was not difficult to make a popular speech; and I +judged that the same qualities which have made me so good a heroine, +would, if I were a man, have made me just as illustrious a patriot. + +After much entreaty, I persuaded the minstrel to deliver an address; as +he, being learned, might expound constitutions and political economy +better than I. He therefore leaned over the battlements, and began. + + 'Gentlemen, + + 'Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, I feel that words are + inadequate to express my high sense of the honour you have + conferred upon us. Gentlemen, I will institute an apt comparison + between the foundation of this little settlement, and that of the + ancient Romans; in order to prove, that this, though small at + present, may, like that, terminate in an extensive empire. + Gentlemen, Rome took its rise from a set of the greatest beggars + and reprobates that ever crawled upon earth----' + +'Throw him over, throw him over!' burst from the troops. + +The minstrel shrunk back in consternation. + +'Silence, lads,' cried Jerry, 'and I will make a bit of a speech for +you; but instead of sending you to Rome, I will send you no farther +than Ballinasloe. (_Laughter and bravo!_) Eh, my boys, don't you +remember the good old fun at the fair there? To be sure, how we used to +break each other's heads, without the least anger or mercy; and to be +sure, 'tis the finest feel in the world, when one gives a fellow a +neat, clean, bothering blow over the skull, and down he drops like a +sack; then rises, and shakes himself like a wet dog, and begins again. +(_Much laughter._) Ay, my boys, fighting may be an Englishman's or +a Frenchman's business, but by the Lord Harry, 'tis an Irishman's +amusement! (_Shouts._) So now, hearties, all you have to do is to +club your sticks, and fancy yourselves at Ballinasloe; and never heed +me if we havn't a nice comfortable fight of it.' + +Rude as was this rhetoric, it touched the domestic spring of their +hearts, and my patriotic promises did not produce half such a roar of +delight as followed it. + +Silence was but just restored, when I beheld, from my turret, our +enemies advancing in vast numbers across the common. I confess my heart +sank at the sight; but I soon called to mind the courage of the feudal +heroines, and recollected that I was in no personal danger myself. +Then, the greatness of the cause animating me with ardour, I exclaimed: + +'Lo! yonder come our enemies. To arms, to arms! Sound the tocsin; blow, +blow the horn!' + +A vassal blew the horn. + +The warden then stationed his men in front of the gate-way, which was +the only vulnerable entrance into the castle; and my body-guards, +holding huge stones, stood forward on the battlements. All was ready. I +trembled with agitation. + +And now the foe, having approached within fifty paces, halted to +reconnoitre. The traitor Montmorenci, divested of his armour, commanded +them in person. Betterton was seen on horseback at a distance; and the +troops themselves, about sixty in number, stood brandishing stakes, +bludgeons, and poles. As my men were not more than fifty in all, I +looked round, with anxious expectation, for the succours promised by +Susan; but no sign of them appeared. + +Montmorenci now began to form his troops into a compact phalanx, with +the poles and stakes in front; evidently for the purpose of piercing +our line, and forcing the gateway. Jerry, therefore, called in his +wings, and strengthened the centre. He then desired those in the turret +to direct all their stones against the foremost rank of the foe. + +'Soldiers,' cried I, 'listen to my last commands. The moment you shall +hear the horn sound again, whether in the midst of conquest, or of +defeat, hurry back to the gateway, and draw up just as you stand at +present; for while you are fighting at a distance, my castle may be +taken by surprise, unless I secure prompt assistance. And now, my brave +fellows, success attend your arms!' + +As I spoke, the foe began advancing at a rapid rate: my troops awaited +them with firmness; and when they had approached within fifteen paces +of the castle, I gave the word to my body-guards, who hurled several +vollies of stones in quick succession. Some of the foremost rank were +staggered by them; two behind fell, and amidst the confusion, in rushed +my troops with a tremendous shout. Thick pressed the throng of waving +heads, and loud grew the clamour of voices, and the clatter of staffs; +while the wielded weapons appeared and disappeared, like fragments of a +wreck on the tossing surges. For some moments both armies fought in one +unbroken mass; those struggling to gain the gateway, these to prevent +them. But soon, as two streams rushing from opposite mountains, and +meeting in the valley, broaden into a lake, and run off in little +rivulets; so the contending ranks, after the first encounter, began to +spread by degrees, and scatter over the plain. And now they were seen +intermingled with each other, and fighting man to man. Here a small +wing of my brave troops, hemmed in on all sides, were defending +themselves with incredible fury. There a larger division of them were +maintaining a doubtful contest: while a few straggling vassals, engaged +in single combat, at a distance, were driving their antagonists before +them. + +At this juncture, Montmorenci, with a chosen band that he kept round +his person, had attacked the warden, and a few who fought by his side. +These performed prodigies of valour; but at last, overpowered by +numbers, they were beginning to retire, covered with glory, when I +dispatched four of my body-guards, as a corps of reserve, to their +assistance. They rushed upon the chosen band, and checked its career. +It soon received reinforcements, and again pressed forward. I sent out +the minstrel and another vassal; and again its progress was checked. + +But now my castle had but a single defender: our foes were drawing +frightfully near; and if they could once turn our flank, they would +gain the turret, and make me their prisoner. This was the great crisis. +A moment more, and all might be lost. + +'Blow, blow the horn!' cried I. + +The vassal blew the horn. + +At the signal, I see my dispersed troops come pouring from all quarters +towards the castle. They reach the gateway, halt, and form a front +before it. The foe, who had followed them in a confused manner, seeing +them on a sudden so formidable, stop short. + +'Let the body-guards come into the castle!' cried I. + +The body-guards obeyed. + +'Now, soldiers,' cried I to the rest, 'if you rush upon the foe before +they can collect again, and keep in a body with your captain, the day +is our own.' 'Spring on them like lions! Away, away!' + +The whole army shouted, and burst forward in a mass. Jerry led the van. +Montmorenci with his sacred squadron fled before them. They pursued, +overtook the fugitives, and after a short skirmish, made the whole +detachment prisoners; while the remainder, scattered in all directions, +stood at a distance, and dared not advance. Never was a more decisive +victory. My brave veterans marched back in triumph with eight captives; +and then halting at the gateway, gave three cheers. + +Palpitating with transport, I commanded that the prisoners' hands +should be tied behind their backs, and that they should be confined in +the northern tower, with sentinels over them. + +As for Lord Montmorenci, his rank entitled him to more respect; so I +ordered the warden to conduct him up to the Black Chamber. + +I stood in the midst of my guards to receive him; and if ever grandeur +and suavity were blended in one countenance, it was in mine, at that +glorious moment. + +'My lord,' said I, 'victory, which so long hovered over the field with +doubtful wing, has at last descended on my legions, and crowned the +scale of justice with the laurel of triumph. But though it has also put +the person and the fate of the hostile chieftain in my hands, think not +I mean to use my power with harshness. Within these walls your lordship +shall experience the kindest treatment; but beyond them you must not be +permitted to go, till my rights are re-established and my rebellious +vassals restored to their allegiance.' + +'Fal lal la, lal lal la,' said his lordship, stepping a minuet. + +'Pinion him hand and foot!' cried I, quite disgusted and enraged. 'I +will have no minuets in this castle.' + +'That I will do,' cried Jerry, 'for his feet are nimble enough at +making off. Though he talks big, he runs fast. The creature is all +voice and legs, like a grasshopper.' + +Just as the minstrel and warden had secured his wrists and ankles with +a handkerchief, a vassal came to tell me that a number of men, and a +girl at their head, were running towards the castle. + +'I thought she would not disappoint me!' cried I, as I hastened down to +meet her. It was, indeed, Susan herself, and a train of youths. I stood +at the gateway ready to receive her, and trembling with terror, lest +Betterton and the routed remains of his army, who were now consulting +together at some distance, should intercept her. + +These fears were not at all lessened when I saw her stop, as she +arrived amongst them, and converse with them some time. I made my men +hold themselves in readiness to support her, and we shouted to her with +all our might. But just judge of my consternation, when I beheld her +and her party enrolling themselves in the hostile ranks, and the whole +allied force preparing to pour down upon us! I stood horror-struck. Her +ingratitude, her perfidy, were incredible. + +But I had no time for moral reflection. My own glory and the interests +of my people demanded all my thoughts. What was I to do? We had taken +but eight prisoners, and these too would require a strong guard; while +the traiterous Susan had brought a reinforcement of twenty men to the +foe; so that to contend against such superior numbers in the field +would be madness. + +I determined therefore to draw all my troops and all my prisoners into +the eastern turret, and to stand a regular siege; for, as we had a +large stock of provisions, we might hold out several days. In the mean +time our enemies, tired of such a protracted mode of warfare, and +having other occupations of more importance, would probably retire and +leave us in quiet possession. + +This plan was put into instant execution. I had the prisoners placed in +the Black Chamber, with a numerous guard; and I made the remainder of +my soldiery man the battlements. + +These arrangements were but just completed, when I beheld our +formidable opponents advancing in line, with Betterton, on horseback, +at their head. Again my men armed themselves with stones; again the +horn was sounded; again three cheers were given. + +When the besiegers had arrived within forty paces of us, they halted. +Then Betterton, waving a white handkerchief, advanced under the walls, +and spoke thus: + +'Lady Cherubina De Willoughby, I demand of you to surrender at +discretion. Refuse, and I pledge myself that in five minutes I will +drive the leopard into the sea, and plant my standard on the towers of +Monkton.' + +'Sir, I both refuse, and defy you. My castle is impregnable.' + +'Not to hunger, at least,' cried Betterton; 'for we will turn the siege +into a blockade.' + +'Yes, to hunger!' exclaimed the minstrel, flinging down half a loaf of +bread, that had remained since breakfast. 'There, Sir, is a proof of +it, deduced from the Roman history!' + +'As I perceive that war is inevitable,' said Betterton, 'I shall stand +acquitted both here and hereafter for all its consequences by my now +just going through the form of proposing a GENERAL PACIFICATION.' + +'Pacific Ocean!' cried Jerry. 'No, thank you; I have got a surfeit of +that word already.' + +'Nay, my honest fellow----' + +'Never honest-fellow me,' cried Jerry: 'it won't take, old boy. So bad +manners to you, and that is worse than bad luck, go boil your tongue +hard, like a calve's, and then it won't wag so glib and smooth;--ay, +and go boil your nose white like veal too. But this I can tell you, +that you will neither beat us out, nor starve us out; for we have +sticks and stones, and meat and good liquor; and we will eat together, +and drink together, and----' + +'And sleep together, I suppose,' cried Betterton: 'for of course, her +ladyship will think nothing of sleeping in the same apartment with +twenty or thirty men.' + +The fatal words fell upon me like a thunderbolt! It was, indeed, too +true, that a large portion of my troops must remain all night in the +Black Chamber, as there would be no room for them elsewhere: so how in +the name of wonder could I contrive to sleep? Certain it is, that +Ellena Di Rosalba travelled a whole day and night in a carriage with +two ruffians, who never left her for a moment; and it was not till +after Luxima and the missionary had journeyed together several entire +days, that (to quote the very words) _for the first time since the +commencement of their pilgrimage she was hidden from his view_. How +these heroines managed I know not; but this I know, that I could not +abide the idea of sleeping in the presence of men. And yet, to +surrender my sweet, my beloved, my venerable castle, the hereditary +seat of my proud progenitors, at the moment of an immortal victory, ere +the laurel was yet warmed on the throbbings of my forehead;--and all +for what? For the most pitiful and unclassical reason that ever +disgraced a human creature. Why, I should be pointed at, scouted at. +'Look, look, there is the heroine who surrendered her castle, +because----' and then a whisper and a titter, and a ''Tis fact 'pon my +honour.' Oh, my friend, my friend, the thought was madness! + +I considered, and reconsidered, but every moment only strengthened me +more and more in the conviction that there was no remedy. + +'Jerry,' said I, 'dear Jerry, we must surrender.' + +'Surrender!' exclaimed Jerry, 'Why then, death alive, for what?' + +'Because,' answered I, 'my modesty would prevent me from sleeping +before so many men.' + +'Poo,' cried he, 'do as I do. Have too much modesty to shew your +modesty. Sleep? By my soul you shall sleep, and snore too, if you have +a mind. Sleep? Sure, can't you pin the curtains round, so that we +shan't see you? Sleep? Sure, how did the ladies manage on board the +packet that I came over in? Sleep--sleep--sleep? O murder. I believe we +must surrender, sure enough. O murder, murder, 'tis all over with us? +For now that I think of it, we shan't have even room to lie down you +know.' + +'This is a sad affair,' said I to the minstrel. 'Can you devise no +remedy?' + +'None,' said the minstrel, blushing through his very eyeballs. + +'Well,' cried Betterton, 'is the council of war over?' + +'Yes, Sir,' said I, 'and I consent to conclude a peace.' + +'I thought you would,' cried Betterton; 'so now for the terms.' + +After much altercation, these articles (written by Betterton, with his +pencil, and signed by him and the warden, who went down for the +purpose) were agreed upon by the contending powers. + + Art. 1. + + All the prisoners, at present in the castle, shall be forthwith + released. + + Art. 2. + + The troops of the contending powers shall consign their arms into + the hands of the respective leaders. + + Art. 3. + + The commandant of the besieged army shall evacuate the castle, at + the head of his men, and take a northerly direction; and at the + same moment the commandant of the besieging army shall lead his + forces in a southerly direction. + + Art. 4. + + The Lady Cherubina De Willoughby shall depart from the castle as + soon as both armies are out of sight; and she shall not hold + communication, direct or indirect, with the warden, for the space + of twenty-four hours. + + Art. 5. + + The minstrel, Higginson, shall be permitted to remain with the Lady + Cherubina, as her escort. + + (Signed) BETTERTON. + + SULLIVAN. + +While Betterton returned to his army, for the purpose of announcing the +peace, I fixed with Jerry to meet him in London at the expiration of +twenty-four hours. + +I now perceived Susan running towards the castle, with all her men; and +as soon as she got under the walls, she cried: + +'No peace; no peace; but bloody, bloody war! Come down here, you wretch +with the steel bonnet, till I tear your eyes out;--you special babe of +hell, that robbed me of the only friend I had on earth!' And she ran on +with the most horrible imprecations, and vows of vengeance. + +'Arrah, and is that Susy?' cried one of my men, leaning over the +battlements. + +'Patrick O'Brien!' exclaimed she. 'Oh! Patrick, Patrick, are you so +faithless as to be taking part with my mortal enemy?' + +'I am taking part with my countrymen,' cried Patrick; 'and we have just +made a peace; so by gog, if you break it, 'tis yourself will be my +mortual innimy!' + +'Dear, dear Patrick!' said she, 'don't let that vile woman decoy you +from me, and I will do whatever you desire.' + +'Then I desires you to go back this moment,' said Patrick. + +Susan retired to the main body, without uttering a word. + +The several articles were then executed in due form. The prisoners were +liberated: the soldiers on both sides laid down their arms. I +distributed all my remaining money amongst my men: they thanked me with +a shout; and then, headed by the warden, issued from the castle. At the +same time, Betterton and his party marched off the field. + +When Jerry had got almost out of sight, he halted his men, faced them +towards the castle, and all gave three last cheers. I waved my +handkerchief, and cried like a child. + +I then took a tender leave of my dear Black Chamber; and with a heavy +heart, and a tardy step, departed from my castle, till better days +should enable me to revisit it. I proceeded with the minstrel to the +poor woman's cottage, whence I now write; and I have just dispatched +him for a chaise, as I shall return to London immediately. + +My heart is almost broken. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XL + + +MS. + +O YE, WHOEVER YE ARE, WHOM CHANCE OR MISFORTUNE MAY HEREAFTER CONDUCT +TO THIS SPOT, TO YOU I SPEAK, TO YOU REVEAL THE STORY OF MY WRONGS, +AND ASK YOU TO REVENGE THEM. VAIN HOPE! YET IT IMPARTS SOME COMFORT +TO BELIEVE, THAT WHAT I NOW WRITE MAY ONE DAY MEET THE EYE OF A +FELLOW-CREATURE; THAT THE WORDS WHICH TELL MY SUFFERINGS MAY ONE DAY +DRAW PITY FROM THE FEELING HEART. + +KNOW THEN, THAT ON THE NIGHT OF THE FATAL DAY WHICH SAW ME DRIVEN FROM +MY CASTLE, BY RUTHLESS FOES, FOUR MEN IN BLACK VISAGES, RUSHED INTO +THE COTTAGE WHERE I HAD TAKEN SHELTER, BORE ME FROM IT, AND FORCED ME +AND MY MINSTREL INTO A CARRIAGE. WE TRAVELLED MILES IN IMPENETRABLE +SILENCE. AT LENGTH THEY STOPPED, CAST A CLOAK OVER MY FACE, AND +CARRIED ME IN THEIR ARMS, ALONG WINDING PASSAGES, AND UP AND DOWN +FLIGHTS OF STEPS. THEY THEN TOOK OFF THE CLOAK, AND I FOUND MYSELF IN +AN ANTIQUE AND GOTHIC APARTMENT. MY CONDUCTORS LAID DOWN A LAMP, AND +DISAPPEARED. I HEARD THE DOOR BARRED UPON ME. O SOUND OF DESPAIR! O +MOMENT OF UNUTTERABLE ANGUISH! SHUT OUT FROM DAY, FROM FRIENDS, FROM +LIFE--IN THE PRIME OF MY YEARS, IN THE HEIGHT OF MY TRANSGRESSIONS,--I +SINK UNDER THE---- + + * * * * * + +ALMOST AN HOUR HAS NOW PASSED IN SOLITUDE AND SILENCE. WHY AM I +BROUGHT HITHER? WHY CONFINED THUS RIGOROUSLY? THE HORRORS OF DEATH ARE +BEFORE MY EYES. O DIRE EXTREMITY! O STATE OF LIVING DEATH! IS THIS A +VISION? ARE THESE THINGS REAL? ALAS, I AM BEWILDERED. + + * * * * * + +Such, Biddy, was the manuscript that I scribbled last night, after the +mysterious event which it relates. You shall now hear the particulars +of all that has occurred to me since. + +After the ruffians had departed, and I had rallied my spirits, I took +up the lamp, and began examining the chamber. It was spacious, and the +feeble light that I carried could but just penetrate it. Part of the +walls were hidden with historical arras, worked in colourless and +rotten worsted, which depicted scenes from the Provençal Romances; the +deeds of Charlemagne and his twelve peers; the Crusaders, Troubadours, +and Saracens; and the Necromantic feats of the Magician Jurl. The walls +were wainscotted with black larchwood; and over the painted and +escutcheoned windows hung iron visors, tattered pennons, and broken +shields. An antique bed of decayed damask, with a lofty tester, stood +in a corner; and a few grand moth-eaten chairs, tissued and fringed +with threads of tarnished gold, were round the room. At the farther +end, a picture of a soldier on horseback, darting his spear upon a man, +who held up his hands in a supplicating attitude, was enclosed in a +frame of uncommon size, that reached down to the ground. An old harp, +which occupied one corner, proved imprisonment, and some clots of blood +upon the floor proved murder. + +I gazed with delight at this admirable apartment. It was a perfect +treasure: nothing could be more complete: all was in the best style of +horror; and now, for the first time, I felt the full consciousness of +being as real a heroine as ever existed. + +I then indulged myself with imagining the frightful scenes I should +undergo here. Such attempts to murder me, such ghosts, such mysteries! +figures flitting in the dusty perspective, quick steps along the +corridor, groans, and an ill-minded lord of the castle. + +In the midst of this pleasing reverie, methought I heard a step +approaching. It stopped at the door, the bolts were undrawn, and an +antiquated waiting-woman, in fardingale, ruffles, flounces, and +flowered silk, bustled into the room. + +'My lord,' said she, 'desires me to let your ladyship know that he will +do himself the honour of waiting on you in half-an-hour.' + +'Tell your lord,' said I, 'that I shall be ready to receive him: but +pray, my good woman,' said I, 'what is the name of your lord?' + +'Good woman!' cried she, bridling up; 'no more good woman than +yourself: Dame Ursulina, if you please.' + +'Well then, Dame Ursulina, what is his name?' + +'The Baron Hildebrand,' answered she. 'The only feudal chieftain left +in England.' + +'And what is the name of his castle?' + +'Gogmagog,' answered she: 'and it is situated in the Black Forest of +Grodolphon, whose oaks are coeval with the reign of Brute.' + +'And, alas!' cried I, 'why have I been seized? Why thus imprisoned? +Why----' + +The Dame laid her finger across her lips, and grinned volumes of +mystery. + +'At least, tell me,' said I, with a searching look, 'how comes that +blood on the floor; for it appears but just spilt?' + +'Lauk!' cried she, 'that blood is there these fifty years. Sure your +ladyship has often read in romances of blood on floors, and daggers, +that looked as fresh as a daisy at the end of centuries. But, +alas-o-day! modern blood won't keep like the good old blood. Ay, ay, +ay; the times have degenerated in every thing;--even in harps. Look at +that harp yonder: I warrant 'tis in excellent tune at this moment, +albeit no human finger has touched it these ten years: and your +ladyship must remember reading of other cobwebbed harps in old castles, +that required no tuning-hammer, after lying by whole ages. But, indeed, +they do say, that the ghost keeps this harp in order, by playing on it +o' nights.' + +'The ghost!' exclaimed I. + +'Ay, by my fackins,' said she; 'sure this is the haunted chamber of the +northern tower; and such sights and noises--Santa Catharina of Sienna, +and St. Bridget, and San Pietro, and Santa Benedicta, and St. +Radagunda, defend me!' + +Then, aspirating an ejaculation, she hastily hobbled out of the room, +and locked the door after her, without giving me farther satisfaction. + +However, the visit from Baron Hildebrand occupied my mind more than the +ghost; and I sat expecting it with great anxiety. At last, I heard a +heavy tread along the corridor: the door was unbarred, and a huge, but +majestic figure, strode into the chamber. The black plume towering on +his cap, the armorial coat, Persian sash, and Spanish cloak, conspiring +with the most muscular frown imaginable, made him look truly +tremendous. + +As he flung himself into a chair, he cast a Schedoniac scowl at me; +while I felt, that one glance from the corner of a villain's eye is +worth twenty straight-forward looks from an honest man. My heart +throbbed audible, my bosom heaved like billows: I threw into my +features a conventual smile, and stood before him, in all the silence +of despair, something between Niobe, patience, and a broken lily. + +'Lady!' cried he, with a voice that vibrated through my brain; 'I am +the Baron Hildebrand, that celebrated ruffian. My plans are terrible +and unsearchable. Hear me. + +'My daughter, the Lady Sympathina, though long betrothed to the Marquis +De Furioso, has long been enamoured of the Lord Montmorenci. In vain +have I tried entreaties and imprecations: nothing will induce her to +relinquish him; even though he has himself confessed to her that you +reign sole tormentress of his heart. + +'While doubtful what course to take, I heard, from my vassals, of your +having seized on a neighbouring castle, and of Montmorenci's being +there with you. The moment was too precious to be lost. I planted armed +spies about the castle, with orders to make you and him prisoners the +first opportunity. These orders are executed, and his lordship is a +captive in the western turret. + +'Now, Madam, you must already guess my motive for having taken this +step. It is to secure your immediate marriage with his lordship, and +thus to terminate for ever my daughter's hopes, and my own inquietude. +In two days, therefore, be prepared to give him your hand, or to suffer +imprisonment for life.' + +'My lord,' said I, 'I am a poor, weak, timid girl, but yet not +unmindful of my noble lineage. I cannot consent to disgrace it. My +lord, I will not wed Montmorenci.' + +'You will not?' cried he, starting from his seat. + +'I will not,' said I, in a tone of the sweetest obstinacy. + +'Insolent!' exclaimed he, and began to pace the chamber with prodigious +strides. Conceive the scene;--the tall figure of Hildebrand passing +along, with folded arms; the hideous desolation of the room, and my +shrinking figure. It was great, very great. It resembled a Pandemonium, +where an angel of light was tormented by a fiend. Yet insult and +oppression had but added to my charms, as the rose throws forth fresh +fragrance by being mutilated. + +On a sudden he stopped short before me. + +'What is your reason for refusing to marry him?' said he. + +'My lord,' answered I, 'I do not feel for his lordship the passion of +love.' + +'Love!' cried he, with yells of laughter. 'Why this is Sympathina's +silly rhodomontade. Love! There is no such passion. But mark me, Madam: +soon shall you learn that there is such a passion as revenge!' And with +these words he rushed out of the chamber. + +Nothing could be better than my conduct on this occasion. I was +delighted with it, and with the castle, and with every thing. I +therefore knelt and chaunted a vesper hymn, so soft, and so solemn; +while my eyes, like a magdalen's, were cast to the planets. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XLI + + +I had flung myself on the bed: my lamp was extinguished; and now sleep +began to pour its opiate over me, when, (terrible to tell!) methought I +heard steps stealing through my very chamber. + +'She sleeps,' whispered a voice. + +'Then poniard her at once,' said another. + +'Remember, I must have five ducats,' said the first. + +'Four,' said the second: 'Grufflan, the tormentor of innocents, would +charge but two.' + +'Then I will betray the murder.' + +'I will take good care you shall not.' + +'How so?' + +'I will assassinate you after it.' + +'Diavolo! 'Tis prudent, however. But by St. Jago, I will not consent to +be assassinated under a ducat a-piece to my children.' + +'Well, you shall have them.' + +'Then, Maestro mio illustrissimo, the Bravo Abellino is your povero +devotissimo!' + +The next instant my strained eyeballs saw a figure half starting from +behind the tattered arras, in a long cloak, and flat cap. His right +hand held a dagger, and his left a dark lantern, that cast a yellow +glare on the ruffianly sculpture of his visage. + +I screamed;--but sorry am I to say, less like a heroine than a +sea-gull;--and the bravo advanced. On a sudden, the door of the chamber +was burst open, and Montmorenci rushed forward, with a brandished +sword. At the same moment, Baron Hildebrand sprang from behind the +tapestry. + +'Turn, villain!' cried Montmorenci; and a desperate battle began. + +My life was the stake. I hung upon every blow, winced as the steel +descended on Montmorenci, and moved as he moved, with agonised mimicry. + +At length, victory declared in his favour. The bandit lay lifeless, and +the baron was disarmed; but escaped out of the chamber. + +'Let us fly!' cried my preserver, snatching me to his heart. 'I have +bribed a domestic.--A horse is in waiting.--Let us fly!' + +'Let us, let us!' said I, disengaging myself. + +'Yet hold!' cried he. 'I have saved your life. Save mine, by consenting +to an immediate union.' + +'Ay, my lord----' + +'What?' + +'I cannot.' + +'Cannot!' + +'Come, my lord; do come!' + +'On my knees, lady----' + +'Seize the villain, and immure him in the deepest dungeon!' exclaimed +the baron, rushing into the room with his domestics. + +Some of them laid hold on Montmorenci, the rest bore off the body of +the bandit. The baron and I were left alone. + +'My lord,' said I, flinging myself at his feet (for alas, I had now +lost all my magnanimity), 'that man is my horror and detestation. But +only promise to spare my life for one day more, and indeed, indeed, I +will try if I can make up my mind to marry him.' + +''Tis well,' said the baron. 'To-night you sleep secure: to-morrow +decides your fate.' + +He spoke, and stalked out of the chamber. + +This horrid castle--would I had never set foot in it. I will escape if +I can, I am resolved. I have already tried the walls, for a sliding +pannel or a concealed door; but nothing of the kind can I discover. And +yet something of the kind there must be, else how could the baron and +bravo have entered my chamber? I protest this facility of intrusion in +antique apartments is extremely distressing. For besides its exposing +one to be murdered, just think how it exposes one to be peeped at. I +declare I dare not even undress, lest some menial should be leering +through a secret crevice. Oh, that I were once more in the mud cottage! +I am sick of castles. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XLII + + +This morning, after a maid had cleaned out the room, Dame Ursulina +brought breakfast. + +'Graciousnessosity!' cried she, 'here is the whole castle in such a +fluster; hammering and clamouring, and paddling at all manner of +possets, to make much of the fine company that is coming down to the +baron to-day.' + +'Heavens!' exclaimed I, 'when will my troubles cease? Doubtless they +are a most dissolute set. An amorous Verezzi, an insinuating Cavigni, +and an abandoned Orsino; besides some lovely voluptuary, some +fascinating desperado, who plays the harp, and poisons by the hour.' + +'La, not at all,' said the dame. 'We shall have none but old Sir +Charles Grandison, and his lady, Miss Harriet Byron, that was;--old Mr. +Mortimer Delville, and his lady, Miss Cecilia, that was;--and old Lord +Mortimer, and his lady, Miss Amanda, that was.' + +'Can it be possible?' cried I. 'Why these are all heroes and heroines!' + +'Pon my conversation, and by my fig, and as I am a true maiden, so they +are,' said she; 'for my lord scorns any other sort of varment. And we +shall have such tickling and pinching; and fircumdandying, and +cherrybrandying, and the genteel poison of bad wine; and the warder +blowing his horn, and the baron in his scowered armour, and I in a coif +plaited high with ribbons all about it, and in the most rustling silk I +have. And Philip, the butler, meets me in the dark. "Oddsboddikins," +says he (for that is his pet oath), "mayhap I should know the voice of +that silk?" "Oddspittikins," says I, "peradventure thou should'st;" and +then he catches me round the neck, and----' + +'There, there!' cried I, 'you distract me.' + +'Marry come up!' muttered she. 'Some people think some people--Marry +come up, quotha!' And she flounced out of the room. + +I sat down to breakfast, astonished at what I had just heard. Harriet +Byron, Cecilia, Amanda, and their respective consorts, all alive and +well! Oh, could I get but one glimpse of them, speak ten words with +them, I should die content. I pictured them to myself, adorned with all +the venerable loveliness of a virtuous old age,--even in greyness +engaging, even in wrinkles interesting. Hand in hand they walk down the +gentle slope of life, and often pause to look back upon the scenes that +they have passed--the happy vale of their childhood, the turretted +castle, the cloistered monastery. + +This reverie was interrupted by the return of Dame Ursulina. + +'The baron,' said she, 'has just gone off to London; we think either +for the purpose of consulting physicians about his periodical madness, +or of advising government to propose a peace with France. So my young +mistress, the Lady Sympathina, is anxious to visit you during his +absence,--as he prohibited her;--and she has sent me to request that +you will honor her with your permission.' + +'Tell her I shall be most happy to see and to solace a lady of her +miseries,' answered I. 'And I trust we shall swear an eternal +friendship when we meet.' + +'Friendship,' said the dame, 'is the soft soother of human cares. O, to +see two fair females sobbing respondent, while their blue eyes shine +through their tears like hyacinths bathed in the dews of the morning!' + +'Why, dame,' cried I, 'how did you manage to pick up such a charming +sentiment, and such elegant language?' + +'Marry come up!' said she, 'I havn't lived, not I, not with heroines, +not for nothing. Marry come up, quotha!' And this frumpish old woman +sailed out of the chamber in a great fume. + +I now prepared for an interview of congenial souls; not was I long kept +in suspense. Hardly had the dame disappeared, when the door opened +again, and a tall, thin, lovely girl, flew into the room. She stopped +opposite me. Her yellow ringlets hung round her pale face like a mist +round the moon. Again she advanced, took both my hands, and stood +gazing on my features. + +'Ah, what wonder,' said she, 'that Montmorenci should be captivated by +these charms! No, I will not, cannot take him from you. He is your's, +my friend. Marry him, and leave me to the solitude of a cloister.' + +'Never!' cried I. 'Ah, madam, ah, Sympathina, your magnanimity amazes, +transports me. No, my friend; your's he shall, he must be; for you love +him, and I hate him.' + +'Hate him!' cried she; 'and wherefore? Ah, what a form is his, and ah, +what a face! Locks like the spicy cinnamon; eyes half dew, half +lightning; lips like a casket of jewels, loveliest when open----' + +'And teeth like the Sybil's books,' said I; 'for two of them are +wanting.' + +'Ah,' cried she, 'this I am informed is your reason for not marrying +him; as if his charms lay in his teeth, like Sampson's strength in his +hair.' + +'Upon my honor,' said I, 'I would not marry him, if he had five hundred +teeth. But you, my friend, you shall marry him, in spite of his teeth.' + +'Ah,' cried she, 'and see my father torture you to death?' + +'It were not torture,' said I, 'to save you from it.' + +'It were double torture,' cried she, 'to be saved by your's.' + +'Justice,' said I, 'demands the sacrifice.' + +'Generosity,' said she, 'would spare the victim.' + +'Is it generosity,' said I, 'to wed me with one I hate?' + +'Is it justice,' said she, 'to wed me with one who hates me?' + +'Ah, my friend,' cried I, 'you may vanquish me in Antithetical and +Gallican repartee, but never shall you conquer me in sentimental +magnanimity.' + +'Let us then swear an eternal friendship,' cried she. + +'I swear!' said I. + +'I swear!' said she. + +We rushed into each other's arms. + +'And now,' cried she, when the first transports had subsided, 'how do +you like being a heroine?' + +'Above all things in the world,' said I. + +'And how do you get on at the profession?' asked she. + +'It is not for me to say,' replied I. 'Only this, that ardor and +assiduity are not wanting on my part.' + +'Of course then,' said she, 'you shine in all the requisite qualities. +Do you blush well?' + +'As well as can be expected,' said I. + +'Because,' said she, 'blushing is my chief beauty. I blush one tint and +three-fourths with joy; two tints, including forehead and bosom, with +modesty; and four with love, to the points of my fingers. My father +once blushed me against the dawn for a tattered banner to a rusty +poniard.' + +'And who won?' said I. + +'It was play or pay,' replied she; 'and the morning happened to be +misty, so there was no sport in that way; but I fainted, which was just +as good, if not better. Are you much addicted to fainting?' + +'A little,' said I. + +''Pon honor?' + +'Well, ma'am, to be honest with you, I am afraid I have never fainted +yet; but at a proper opportunity I flatter myself----' + +'Nay, love,' said she, 'do not be distressed about the matter. If you +weep well, 'tis a good substitute. Do you weep well?' + +'Extremely well, indeed,' said I. + +'Come then,' cried she, 'we will weep on each other's necks.' And she +flung her arms about me. We remained some moments in motionless +endearment. + +'Are you weeping?' said she, at length. + +'No, ma'am,' answered I. + +'Ah, why don't you?' said she. + +'I can't, ma'am,' said I; 'I can't.' + +'Ah, do,' said she. + +'Upon my word, I can't,' said I: 'sure I am trying all I can. But, +bless me, how desperately you are crying. Your tears are running down +my bosom like a torrent, and boiling hot too. Excuse me, ma'am, but you +will give me my death of cold.' + +'Ah, my fondling,' said she, raising herself from my neck; 'tears are +my sole consolation. Ofttimes I sit and weep, I know not why; and then +I weep to find myself weeping. Then, when I can weep, I weep at having +nothing to weep at; and then, when I have something to weep at, I weep +that I cannot weep at it. This very morning I bumpered a tulip with my +tears, while reading a dainty ditty that I must now repeat to you. + + '_The moon had just risen, as a maid parted from her lover. A + sylph was pursuing her sigh through the deserts of air, bathing in + its warmth, and enhaling its odours. As he flew over the ocean, he + saw a sea-nymph sitting on the shore, and singing the fate of a + shipwreck, that appeared at a distance, with broken masts, and + floating rudder. Her instrument was her own long and blue tresses, + which she had strung across rocks of coral. The sparkling spray + struck them, and made sweet music. He saw, he loved, he hovered + over her. But invisible, how could he attract her eyes? + Incorporeal, how could he touch her? Even his voice could not be + heard by her amidst the dashing of the waves, and the melody of her + ringlets. The sylphs, pitying his miserable state, exiled him to a + bower of woodbine. There he sits, dips his pen of moonshine in the + subtle dew ere it falls, and writes his love on the bell of a + silver lily._' + +This charming tale led us to talk of moonshine. We moralized on the +uncertainty of it, and of life; discussed sighs, and agreed that they +were charming things; enumerated the various kinds of tresses--flaxen, +golden, chesnut, amber, sunny, jetty, carroty; and I suggested two new +epithets,--sorrel hair and narcissine hair. Such a flow of soul never +was. + +At last she rose to depart. + +'Now, my love,' said she, 'I am in momentary expectation of Sir Charles +Grandison, Mortimer Delville, and Lord Mortimer, with their amiable +wives. Will you permit them, during the baron's absence, to spend an +hour with you this evening? They will not betray us. I shall be proud +of showing you to them, and you will receive much delight and +edification from their society.' + +I grasped at the proposal with eagerness; she flitted out of the +chamber with a promissory smile; and I was so charmed, that I began +frisking about, and snapping my fingers, in a most indecorous manner. + +What an angel is this Sympathina! Her face has the contour of a Madona, +with the sensibility of a Magdalen. Her voice is soft as the last +accents of a dying maid. Her language is engaging, her oh is sublime, +and her ah is beautiful. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XLIII + + +Towards night I heard the sound of several steps approaching the +chamber. The bolts were undrawn, and Lady Sympathina, at the head of +the company, entered, and announced their names. + +'Bless me!' said I, involuntarily; for such a set of objects never were +seen. + +Sir Charles Grandison came forward the first. He was an emaciated old +oddity in flannels and a flowing wig. He bowed over my hand, and kissed +it--his old custom, you know. + +Lady Grandison leaned on his arm, bursting with fat and laughter, and +so unlike what I had conceived of Harriet Byron, that I turned from her +in disgust. + +Mortimer Delville came next; and my disappointment at finding him a +plain, sturdy, hard-featured fellow, was soon absorbed in my still +greater regret at seeing his Cecilia,--once the blue-eyed, sun-tressed +Cecilia,--now flaunting in all the reverend graces of a painted +grandmother, and leering most roguishly. + +After them, Lord Mortimer and his Amanda advanced; but he had fallen +into flesh; and she, with a face like scorched parchment, appeared both +broken-hearted and broken-winded; such a perpetual sighing and wheezing +did she keep. + +I was too much shocked and disappointed to speak; but Sir Charles soon +broke silence; and after the most tedious sentence of compliment that I +had ever heard, he thus continued: + +'Your ladyship may recollect I have always been celebrated for giving +advice. Let me then advise you to relieve yourself from your present +embarrassment, by marrying Lord Montmorenci. It seems you do not love +him. For that very reason marry him. Trust me, love before marriage is +the surest preventive of love after it. Heroes and heroines exemplify +the proposition. Why do their biographers always conclude the book just +at their wedding? Simply because all beyond it is unhappiness and +hatred.' + +'Surely, Sir Charles,' said I, 'you must be mistaken. Their biographers +(who have such admirable information, that they can even tell the +thoughts and actions of dying personages, when not a soul is near +them), these always end the book with declaring that the connubial +lives of their heroes and heroines are like unclouded skies, or +unruffled streams, or summer all the year through, or some gentle +simile or other.' + +'That is all irony,' replied Sir Charles. 'But I know most of these +heroes and heroines myself; and I know that nothing can equal their +misery.' + +'Do you know Lord Orville and his Evelina?' said I; 'and are not they +happy?' + +'Happy!' cried he, laughing. 'Have you really never heard of their +notorious miffs? Why it was but yesterday that she flogged him with a +boiled leg of mutton, because he had sent home no turnips.' + +'Astonishment!' exclaimed I. 'And she, when a girl, so meek.' + +'Ay, there it is,' said he. 'One has never seen a white foal or a cross +girl; but often white horses and cross wives. Let me advise you against +white horses.' + +'But pray,' said I, addressing Amanda, 'is not your brother Oscar happy +with his Adela?' + +'Alas, no,' cried she. 'Oscar became infatuated with the charms of +Evelina's old governess, Madam Duval; so poor Adela absconded; and +she, who was once the soul of mirth, has now grown a confirmed +methodist; curls a sacred sneer at gaiety, loves canting and +decanting, piety and _eau de vie_. In short, the devil is very busy +about her, though she sometimes drives him away with a thump of the +Bible.' + +'Well, Rosa, the gentle beggar-girl,--what of her?' said I. + +'Eloped with one Corporal Trim,' answered Sir Charles. + +'How shocking!' cried I. 'But Pamela, the virtuous Pamela?'---- + +'Made somewhat a better choice,' said Sir Charles; 'for she ran off +with Rasselas, Prince of Abyssinia, when he returned to the happy +valley.' + +'Dreadful accounts, indeed!' said I. + +'So dreadful,' said Sir Charles, bowing over my hand, 'that I trust +they will determine you to marry Montmorenci. 'Tis true, he has lost +two teeth, and you do not love him; but was not Walstein a cripple? And +did not Caroline of Lichfield fall in love with him after their +marriage, though she had hated him before it?' + +'Recollect,' cried Cecilia, 'what perils environ you here. The baron is +the first murderer of the age.' + +'Look at yonder blood,' cried old Mortimer Delville. + +'Remember the bandit last night,' cried old Lord Mortimer. + +'Think of the tremendous spectre that haunts this apartment,' cried +Lady Grandison. + +'And above all,' cried the Lady Sympathina, 'bear in mind that this +chamber may be the means of your waking some morning with a face like a +pumpkin.' + +'Heavens!' exclaimed I, 'what do you mean? My face like a pumpkin?' + +'Yes,' said she. 'The dampness of the room would swell it up like a +pumpkin in a single night.' + +'Oh! ladies and gentlemen,' cried I, dropping on my knees, 'you see +what shocking horrors surround me here. Oh! let me beseech of you to +pity and to rescue me. Surely, surely you might aid me in escaping!' + +'It is out of the nature of possibilities,' said Lady Sympathina. + +'At least, then,' cried I, 'you might use your influence to have me +removed from this vile room, that feels like a well.' + +'Fly!' cried Dame Ursulina, running in breathless. 'The baron has just +returned, and is searching for you all. And he has already been through +the chapel, and armoury, and gallery; and the west tower, and east +tower, and south tower; and the cedar chamber, and oaken chamber, and +black chamber, and grey, brown, yellow, green, pale pink, sky blue; and +every shade, tinge, and tint of chamber in the whole castle. +Benedicite, Santa Maria; how the times have degenerated! Come, come, +come.' + +The guests vanished, the door was barred, and I remained alone. + +I sat ruminating in sad earnest, on the necessity for my consenting to +this hateful match; when (and I protest to you, I had not thought it +was more than nine o'clock), a terrible bell, which I never heard +before, tolled, with an appalling reverberation, that rang through my +whole frame, the frightful hour of ONE! + +At the same moment I heard a noise; and looking towards the opposite +end of the chamber, I beheld the great picture on a sudden disappear; +and, standing in its stead, a tall figure, cased in blood-stained +steel, and with a spectral visage, the perfect counterpart of the +baron's. + +I sat gasping. It uttered these sepulchral intonations. + +'_I am the spirit of the murdered Alphonso. Lord Montmorenci deserves +thee. Wed him, or in two days thou liest a corpse. To-morrow night I +come again._' + +The superhuman appearance spoke; and (oh, soothing sound) uttered a +human sneeze! + +'Damnation!' it muttered. 'All is blown!' And immediately the picture +flew back to its place. + +Well, I had never heard of a ghost's sneezing before: so you may judge +I soon got rid of my terror, and felt pretty certain that this was no +bloodless and marrowless apparition, but the baron himself, who had +adopted the ghosting system, so common in romances, for the purpose of +frightening me into his schemes. + +However, I had now discovered a concealed door, and with it a chance of +escape. I must tell you, that escape by the public door is utterly +impracticable, as a maid always opens it for those that enter, and +remains outside till they return. However, I have a plan about the +private door; which, if the ghost should appear again, as it promised, +is likely to succeed. + +I was pondering upon this plan, when in came Dame Ursulina, taking +snuff, and sneezing at a furious rate. + +'By the mass,' said she, 'it rejoiceth the old cockles of my heart to +see your ladyship safe; for as I passed your door just now, methought I +heard the ghost.' + +'You might well have heard it,' said I, pretending infinite faintness, +'for I have seen it; and it entered through yonder picture.' + +'Benedicite!' cried she, 'but it was a true spectre!' + +'A real, downright apparition,' said I, 'uncontaminated with the +smallest mixture of mortality.' + +'And didn't your ladyship hear me sneeze at the door?' said she. + +'I was too much alarmed to hear anything,' answered I. 'But pray have +the goodness to lend me that snuff-box, as a pinch or two may revive me +from my faintness.' I had my reasons for this request. + +'A heroine take snuff!' cried she, laying the box on the table. +'Lack-a-daisy, how the times are changed! But now, my lady, don't be +trying to move or cut that great picture; for though the ghost comes +into the chamber through it, no mortal can. I know better than to let +you give me the slip; and I will tell a story to prove my knowledge of +bolts and bars. When I was a girl, a young man lodged in the house; and +one night he stole the stick that I used to fasten the hasp and staple +of my door with. Well, my mother bade me put a carrot (as there was +nothing else) in its place. So I put in a carrot--for I was a dutiful +daughter; but I put in a boiled carrot--for I was a love-sick maiden. +Eh, don't I understand the doctrine of bolts and bars?' + +'You understand a great deal too much,' said I, as the withered wanton +went chuckling out of the chamber. + +I must now retire to rest. I do not fear being disturbed by a bravo +to-night; but I am uneasy, lest I should wake in the morning with a +face like a pumpkin. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XLIV + + +About noon the Baron Hildebrand paid me a visit, to hear, as he said, +my final determination respecting my marriage with Montmorenci. I had +prepared my lesson, and I told him that my mind was not yet entirely +reconciled to such an event; but that it was much swayed by a most +extraordinary circumstance which had occurred the night before. He +desired me to relate it; and I then, with apparent agitation, recounted +the particulars of the apparition, and declared that if it should come +again I would endeavour to preserve my presence of mind, and enter into +conversation with it; in order (as it appeared quite well informed of +the picture) to learn whether my marriage with his lordship would prove +fortunate or otherwise. I then added, that if its answer should be +favourable, I would not hesitate another moment to give him my hand. + +The baron, while he could not suppress a smile, protested himself +highly delighted with my determination of speaking to the spectre, and +encouraged me not to fear it, as it was the most harmless creature of +its kind ever known. + +He then took his leave. I spent the remainder of the day reflecting on +the desperate enterprise that I had planned for the night, and +fortifying my mind by recalling all the hazardous escapes of other +heroines. + +At last the momentous hour was at hand. The lamp and snuff-box lay on +the table. I sat anxious, and kept a watchful eye upon the picture. + +The bell tolled one, again the picture vanished, and again the spectre +stood there. Its left thumb rested upon its hip, and its right hand was +held to the heavens. I sent forth a well-executed shriek, and hid my +face in my hands, while it spoke these words: + +'_I come to thee for the last time. Wilt thou wed Montmorenci, or +wilt thou not?--Speak._' + +'Oh!' cried I, 'if you would only promise not to do me a mischief, I +have something particular to ask of you.' + +'A spirit cannot harm a mortal,' drawled out the spectre. + +'Well then,' said I, faltering and trembling.--'Perhaps--pardon +me--perhaps you would first have the goodness to walk in.' + +The spectre advanced a few paces, and paused. + +'This is so kind, so condescending,' said I, 'that really--do take a +chair.' + +The spectre shook its head mournfully. + +'Pray do,' said I, 'you will oblige me.' + +The spectre seated itself in a chair; but atoned for the mortal act by +an immortal majesty of manner. + +'As you are of another world,' said I, ''tis but fair to do the honours +of this; and in truth, I am not at all astonished that you apparitions +should speak so harshly as you usually do, we mortals always shew such +evident aversion and horror at your appearance.' + +'There is a prejudice gone forth against us,' said the spectre, with a +hollow voice, 'in consequence of our coming at night, like thieves.' + +'Yes,' said I, 'at one precisely. And it has often struck me how well +the clocks of old castles were kept, for they regularly struck just as +the ghost appeared. Indeed, ghosts keep such late hours, that 'tis no +wonder they look pale and thin. I do not recollect ever to have heard +or read of a fat or a fresh-coloured phantom.' + +'Nor of a ghost wanting a limb or an eye,' said the spectre. + +'Nor of an ugly ghost,' said I bowing. + +The spectre took the compliment, and bowed in return. + +'And therefore,' said the spectre, 'as spirits are always accurate +resemblances of the bodies that they once inhabited, none but thin and +pale persons can ever become ghosts.' + +'And by the same rule,' said I, 'none but blue-eyed and golden-haired +persons can go to heaven; for our painters always represent angels so. +I have never heard of a hazel-eyed angel, or a black-haired cherub.' + +'I know,' said the spectre, 'if angels are, as painters depict them, +always sitting naked on cold clouds, I would rather live the life of a +ghost, to the end of the chapter.' + +'And pray,' cried I, 'where, and how do ghosts live?' + +'Within this very globe,' said the spectre. 'For this globe is not, as +most mortals imagine, a solid body, but a round crust about ten miles +thick; and the concave inside is furnished just like the convex +outside, with wood, water, vale and mountain. In the centre stands a +nice little golden sun, about the size of a pippin, and lights our +internal world; where, whatever enjoyments we loved as men, we retain +as ghosts. We banquet on visionary turtle, or play at aërial marbles, +or drive a phantasmagoric four in hand. The young renew their amours, +and the more aged sit yawning for the day of judgment.--But I scent the +rosy air of dawn. Speak, lady; what question art thou anxious that I +should expound?' + +'Whether,' said I, 'if I marry Lord Montmorenci, I shall be happy with +him or not?' + +'Blissful as Eden,' replied the spectre. 'Your lives will be congenial, +and your deaths simultaneous.' + +'And now,' said I, walking closer to it, 'will you do me the favour to +take a pinch of snuff?' + +'Avant!' it cried, motioning me from it with its hand. + +But quick as thought, I flung the whole contents of the box full into +its eyes. + +'Blood and thunder!' exclaimed the astonished apparition. + +I snatched the lamp, sprang through the frame of the picture, shut the +concealed door, bolted it; while all the time I heard the phantom +within, dancing in agony at its eyes, and sending mine to as many +devils as could well be called together on so short a notice. + +Thus far my venturous enterprise had prospered. I now found myself in a +narrow passage, with another door at the farther end of it; and I +prepared to traverse winding stairs, subterranean passages, and suites +of tapestried apartments. I therefore advanced, and opened the door; +but in an instant started back; for I had beheld a lighted hall, of +modern architecture, with gilded balustrades, ceiling painted in +fresco, Etruscan lamps, and stucco-work! Yes, it was a villa, or a +casino, or a pallazo, or any thing you please but a castello. +Amazement! Horror! What should I do? whither turn? delay would be +fatal. Again I peeped. The hall was empty; so, putting down my lamp, I +stole across it to an open door, and looked through the chink. I had +just time to see a Persian saloon, and in the centre a table laid for +supper, when I heard several steps entering the hall. It was too late +to retreat, so I sprang into the room; and recollecting that a curtain +had befriended me once before, I ran behind one which I saw there. + +Instantly afterwards the persons entered. They were spruce footmen, +bringing in supper. Not a scowl, not a mustachio amongst them. + +As soon as the covers were laid, a crowd of company came laughing into +the room; but, friend of my bosom, fancy, just fancy my revulsion of +soul, my dismay, my disgust, my bitter indignation--oh! how shall I +describe to you half what I felt, when I recognised these wretches, as +they entered one by one, to be the identical gang who had visited me +the day before, as heroes and heroines! I knew them instantly, though +they looked twice as young; and in the midst of them all, as blithe as +larks, came Betterton himself and Lord Altamont Mortimer Montmorenci! +My heart died at the sight. + +After they had seated themselves, Betterton (who sat at the head, and +therefore was master) desired one of the servants to bring in 'the +crazed poet.' And now two footmen appeared, carrying between them a +large meal-bag, filled with Higginson; which they placed to the table, +on a vacant seat. The bag was fastened at the top, and a slit was on +the side of it. + +The wretches then began to banter him, and bade him put forth his head; +but he would neither move nor speak. At last they turned the +conversation to me. + +'I wonder can he be ghosting her all this time?' said Betterton. + +'Well,' cried the fellow who had personated Sir Charles Grandison, 'I +ought to have played the ghost, I am so much taller than he.' + +'Not unless you could act it better than you did Grandison,' said the +late Lady Sympathina. 'No, no, I was the person who performed my part +well;--pouring a vial of hot water down her neck, by way of tears; and +frightening her out of her senses by talking of a face like a pumpkin!' + +'Nay,' cried my Lord Montmorenci, 'the best piece of acting you ever +saw was when I first met her at the theatre, and persuaded her that +Abraham Grundy was Lord Altamont Mortimer Montmorenci.' + +'Except,' said Betterton, 'when I played old Whylome Eftsoones, at the +masquerade, and made her believe that Cherry Wilkinson was Lady +Cherubina De Willoughby.' + +I turned quite sick; but I had no time for thought, the thunderclaps +came so thick upon me. + +'She had some mad notion of the kind before,' said Grundy (I have done +with calling him Montmorenci), 'for she fancied that an old piece of +parchment, part of a lease of lives, was an irrefragable proof of her +being Lady De Willoughby.' + +'Ay,' cried Betterton, 'and of poor Wilkinson's being her persecutor, +instead of her father; on the strength of which vagary he lies at this +moment in a madhouse.' + +'But,' said Grundy, 'her setting up for a heroine, and her affectation +while imitating the manners and language that authors chuse to give +their heroines, would make a tiger laugh. I vow and protest, our +amorous interview, where she first told her love, was the most +burlesque exhibition in nature. I am thine, and thou art mine! +whimpered the silly girl, sinking on my bosom. She now says she does +not love me. Don't believe a syllable of it. Why, the poor creature +could not even bridle her passion in my presence. Such hugging and +kissing as she went on with, that, as I hope to be saved, I sometimes +thought she would suffocate me outright.' + +''Tis false as hell!' cried I, bursting into tears, and running from +behind the curtain. 'Upon my sacred honour, ladies and gentlemen, 'tis +every word of it a vile, malicious, execrable falsehood! Oh, what shall +I do? what shall I do?' and I wrung my hands with agony. + +The guests had risen from their seats in amaze; and I now made a spring +towards the door, but was intercepted by Betterton, who held me fast. + +'In the name of wonder,' cried he, 'how came you here?' + +'No matter,' cried I, struggling. 'I know all. What have I ever done to +you, you base, you cruel people?' + +'Keep yourself cool, my little lady,' said he. + +'I won't, I can't!' cried I. 'To use me so. You vile set; you horrid, +horrid set!' + +'Go for another meal-bag,' said he, to the servant. 'Now, madam, you +shall keep company with the bagged poet.' + +'Mercy, mercy!' cried I, 'What, will no one help me?' + +'I will if I can!' exclaimed Higginson, with his head thrust out of the +bag, like a snail; and down he slided from his seat, and began rolling, +and tumbling, and struggling on the floor, till he got upon his feet; +and then he came jumping towards me, now falling now rising, while his +face and bald forehead were all over meal, his eyes blaring, and his +mouth wide open. The company, wherever he moved, kept in a circle round +him, and clapped their hands and shouted. + +As I stood, with Betterton still holding me fast, he was suddenly flung +from me by some one, and my hand seized. I turned, and beheld--Stuart. +'Oh! bless you, bless you!' cried I, catching his arm, 'for you have +come to save me from destruction!' + +He pressed my hand, and pointing to Betterton and Grundy, who stood +thunderstruck, cried, 'There are your men!' + +A large posse of constables immediately rushed forward, and arrested +them. + +'Heydey! what is all this?' cried Betterton. + +''Tis for the beating you gave us when we were doing our duty,' said a +man, and I recognised in the speaker one of the police-men who had +arrested me about the barouche. + +'This is government all over,' cried Betterton. 'This is the minister. +This is the law!' + +'And let me tell you, Sir,' said Stuart, 'that nothing but my respect +for the law deters me at this moment from chastising you as you +deserve.' + +'What do you mean, sirrah?' cried Betterton. + +'That you are a ruffian,' said Stuart, 'and the same cowardice which +made you offer insult to a woman will make you bear it from a man. Now, +Sir, I leave you to your fate.' And we were quitting the room. + +'What thing is that?' said Stuart, stopping short before the poet; who, +with one arm and his face out of the bag, lay on his back, gasping and +unable to stir. + +'Cut it, cut it!' cried the poor man, in choaking accents. + +'Higginson I protest!' exclaimed Stuart, as he snatched a knife from +the table, and laid open the bag. Up rose the poet, resurrectionary +from his hempen coffin, and was beginning to clench his fist; but +Stuart caught his arm, and hurried him and me out of the room. + +Stuart, with great eagerness, now began asking me the particulars of +all that had occurred at Betterton's; and his rage, as I related it, +was extreme. + +He then proceeded to tell me how he had discovered my being there. +After his departure from Lady Gwyn's, he set off for London, to +prosecute his inquiries about my father; and spent some days in this +way, to no purpose. At length he returned to Lady Gwyn's, but was much +shocked at learning from her that I had robbed her, and absconded; and +had afterwards made an assault on her house, at the head of a set of +Irishmen. By the description she gave, he judged that Jerry Sullivan +was one of them; and not finding us at Monkton Castle, whither she +directed him, he posted back to London, in order to make inquiries at +Jerry's house. Jerry, who had just returned, related the whole history +of the castle; adding that I was to call upon him the moment I should +arrive in Town. Stuart, therefore, waited some time; but as I did not +appear, he began to suspect that Betterton had entrapped me; so he +hastened to the coachmaker, and having explained to him that I was no +swindler, and having paid him for the barouche, he told him (as he +learned from Jerry) that Betterton was one of those who had assaulted +the postilion and constables. The coachmaker, therefore, applied at the +police-office; and a party was dispatched to apprehend Betterton. +Stuart accompanied them, and thus gained admission (which he could not +otherwise have done) into the house. + +Higginson now told a lamentable tale of the pranks that Betterton had +played on him; and amongst the rest, mentioned, that a servant had +seduced him into the bag, by pretending to be his friend, and to +smuggle him out of the house, in the character of meal. + +He could gather, from several things said while the company were +tormenting him, that Grundy had agreed to marry me; and then, for a +stipulated sum, to give Betterton opportunities of prosecuting his +infamous designs. Thus both of them would escape the penalties of the +law. + +He likewise informed me, that the female guests were (to use his own +words) ladies whom the male guests loved better than they ought to do; +and he then explained that the several rooms were furnished according +to the fashions of different countries; Grecian, Persian, Chinese, +Italian; and that mine was the Gothic chamber. + +By this time, having reached the village, and stopped at an inn, where +we meant to sleep, I desired a room, and bade Stuart a hasty good +night. + +Shocked, astonished, and ashamed at all that had passed, I threw myself +on the bed, and unburdened my full heart in a bitter fit of crying. +What! thought I, not the Lady Cherubina De Willoughby after all;--the +tale fabricated by Betterton himself;--the parchment that I had built +the hope of my noble birth upon a mere lease of lives;--could these +things be? Alas, there was no doubt of the fatal fact! I had overheard +the wretches boasting of it, and I had discovered their other +impositions with my own eyes. To be thus upset in my favourite +speculation, in the business of my whole life; to have to begin all +over again,--to have to search the wide world anew for my real name, my +real family--or was Wilkinson indeed my father? Oh! if so, what a fall! +and how horridly had I treated him! But I would not suffer myself to +think of it. Then to be laughed at, despised, insulted by dissolute +creatures calling themselves lords and barons, and bravos, and heroes +and heroines; and I declared to be no heroine! am I a heroine? I caught +myself constantly repeating; and then I walked about wildly, then sat +on the bed, then cast my body across it. Once I fell into a doze, and +dreamed frightful dreams of monsters pursuing me swifter than the wind, +while my bending limbs could only creep; and my voice, calling for +help, could not rise above a whisper. Then I woke, repeating, am I a +heroine? I believe I was quite delirious; for notwithstanding all that +I could do to prevent myself, I ran on rapidly, am I a heroine? am I? +am I? am I? am I? till my brain reeled from its poise, and my hands +were clenched with perturbation. + +Thus passed the night, and towards morning I fell into a slumber. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XLV + + +This morning my head felt rather better, and I appeared before Stuart +with the sprightliest air imaginable; not that my mind was at +ease;--far from it;--but that I could not endure to betray my +mortification at having proved such a dupe to buffoons and villains. + +After breakfast, we began arranging our plans, and decided on +proceeding to London; but did not determine on my place of residence +there. I had my own projects, however. + +As Higginson had assisted in rescuing me from the police, Stuart +advised him to remain concealed somewhere, till after the trials of +Betterton and Grundy; for though the poor man did not know that they +were officers of justice whom he was assaulting (he having been in the +turret when the fray commenced), yet this fact might be difficult to +prove. Stuart, therefore, gave him some money, and I a letter; and he +set off, in extreme tribulation, for the cottage of the poor woman; +there to stay till the business should be decided. + +Stuart and I then took our departure in a chaise. Unable to counterfeit +gaiety long, I relapsed into languor; nor could my companion, by any +effort, withdraw me from the contemplation of my late disgrace. + +As we drew near Lady Gwyn's, he represented the propriety of my +restoring her portrait, lest she should have recourse to an arrest. +Disheartened by the past, and terrified for the future, I soon +consented; and on our arriving at the avenue of the gentleman who had +the portrait in his possession, Stuart, by my desire, went to the house +without me. He was absent some time, but at last came back with it in +his hand. + +We then drove to Lady Gwyn's; and while I remained at the gate, he +proceeded to execute the commission for me. Presently, however, I saw +him return accompanied by Lady Gwyn herself, who welcomed me with much +kindness, begged I would forget the past, and prevailed on me to go +into the house. + +But it was only to suffer new mortifications. For now, at the instance +of Stuart, she began to relate all the pranks which she had practised +upon me while I was with her. She confessed that the crowning ceremony +was merely to amuse her guests at my expence; and that my great mother +was her own nephew! Think of that, Biddy! She said that Stuart, who had +known her for some years, begged of her when I paid her my first visit +to let me remain under her care, till his return from Town; and to +humour my pretty caprices, as she called them. But he did not desire +her to go so far with the jest; and she had now just begun an apology +for her conduct, when I rose, overwhelmed with shame and indignation, +dropped a hasty courtesy, and fairly ran out of the house. + +We proceeded some miles silent and uncomfortable. My heart was +bursting, and my head felt as if billows were tossing through it. + +At last I found myself in sight of the village where William, whom I +had separated from his mistress a few weeks before, used to live. As +this was a favourable opportunity for reconciling the lovers, I now +made Stuart acquainted with the real origin of their quarrel, which I +had concealed from him at the time it happened, lest he should mar it. +He shook his head at the recital, and desired the driver to find out +William's house, and stop there. This was done, and in a few moments +William made his appearance. He betrayed some agitation at seeing me, +but saluted me with respect. + +'Well, William,' said I, sportively, 'how goes on your little quarrel +with Mary? Is it made up?' + +'No, Ma'am,' answered he, with a doleful look, 'and I fear never will.' + +'Yes, William,' cried I, with an assuring nod, 'I have the happiness to +tell you that it will.' + +'Ah, Ma'am,' said he, 'I suppose you do not know what a sad calamity +has fallen upon her since you were here. The poor creature has quite +lost her senses.' + +'For shame!' cried I, 'What are you saying? Lost her senses! Well, I am +sure it was not my fault, however.' + +'Your's?' said he. 'Oh, no, Ma'am. But she has never been in her reason +since the day you left her.' + +'Let us be gone,' whispered I to Stuart, as I sank back in the +carriage. 'Surely not,' said he. 'Tis at least your duty to repair the +mischief you have done.' + +'I should die before I could disclose it!' cried I. + +'Then I will disclose it for you,' said he, leaping out of the chaise. + +He went with William into the house, and I remained in such a state of +mind, that I was several times on the point of quitting the chaise, and +escaping I knew not whither; but any where from the horrid scene +awaiting me. At last, Stuart appeared without William; and getting in, +gave the driver directions to Mary's cottage. + +I wanted him to go without me: but he declared that no effectual +explanation could take place, unless from myself. He then said every +thing to re-assure me. He told me that the poor girl was quite +harmless, and had only temporary fits of wandering; and that, were the +circumstances of the fatal letter once explained to her, and a +reconciliation effected, she might eventually recover from her +derangement; for William, it seems, had never divulged the contents of +that letter, as it enjoined him not; but now Stuart brought it with +him. + +Having arrived near the cottage, we got out, and walked towards it. +With a faltering step I crossed the threshold, and found the father in +the parlour. + +'Dear Miss,' said he, 'welcome here once more. I suppose you have come +to see poor Mary. Oh! 'tis a piteous, piteous sight. There she does +nothing but walk about, and sigh, and talk so wild; and nobody can tell +the cause but that William; and he will not, for he says she forbade +him.' + +'Come with me,' said Stuart, 'and I will tell you the cause.' + +He then led the miserable old man out of the room, and I remained at +the window weeping. + +But in a few minutes I heard a step; and on turning round, saw the +father, running towards me with a face haggard and ghastly; and crying +out, 'Cruel, cruel, cruel!' then grasping my shoulder, and lifting his +tremulous hand to heaven: 'Now,' said he, 'may the lightning of a just +and good Providence----' + +'Oh! pray,' cried I, snatching down his hand--'oh! pray do not curse +me! Do not curse a poor, silly, mad creature. It was a horrid affair; +very horrid; but, indeed, indeed, I meant no harm.' + +'Be calm, my good man,' said Stuart, 'and let us go to the garden where +your daughter is walking. I am sure this young lady will not refuse to +accompany us, and do her utmost in this critical moment.' + +'I will do any thing,' cried I, 'come along.' + +We now passed into the garden; and I shuddered as I beheld the +beautiful wreck at a distance. She had just stopt short in a stepping +posture: her cloak had half fallen from her shoulders, and as her head +hung down, her forefinger was lightly laid on her lip. + +Panting to tell her all, I flew towards her, and caught her hand. + +'Do you remember me, Mary?' said I softly. + +She looked at me some moments with a faint smile; and at last she +coloured. + +'Ah! yes, I remember you,' said she. 'You were with us that very +evening when I was so wretched. But I don't care about him now;--I +don't indeed; and if I could only see him once more, I would tell him +so. And then I would frown and turn from him; and then he would follow, +so sad and so pale: don't you think he would? And I am keeping his +presents to give back to him, as he did mine; and see how I have my +hair parted on my forehead, just as he used to like it, ready the +moment I see him to rumple it all about; and then he will cry so. Don't +you think he will? And then I will run, run, run away like the wind, +and never see him again; never, never again.' + +'My dear Mary,' said I, 'you shall see him again, and be friends with +him too. Your William is still faithful to you;--most faithful, and +still loves you better than his life. I have seen him myself this +moment.' + +'You have?' cried she, reddening. 'Oh! and what did he say? But hush, +not a word before my father and that man:' and she put one hand upon my +mouth, and with the other round my waist, hurried me into a little +arbour, where we sat down. + +'And now,' whispered she, stealing her arms about my neck, and looking +earnestly into my eyes, while her whole frame shook, 'and now what did +he say?' + +'Mary,' said I, with a serious tone and aspect, 'you must collect your +ideas, and listen attentively, for I have much to disclose. Do you +recollect a letter that I got you to write for me when I was here +last?' + +'Letter--' muttered she. 'Letter.--Yes, I believe I do. Oh! yes, I +recollect it well; for it was a sad letter to your sweetheart, telling +him that you had married another; and your sweetheart's name was +William; and I thought, at the time, I would never write such a letter +to my own William.' + +'And yet, Mary,' said I, 'your own William got that letter, by some +mistake,' (for I could not bear to tell the real fact) 'that very +evening; and seeing it in your hand-writing, and addressed to William, +he thought it was from you to him; and so he gave you back your +presents, and----' + +'What is all that?' cried Mary, starting up. 'Merciful powers! say all +that over again!' + +I made her sit down, and I shewed her the letter. As she read it, her +colour changed, her lip quivered, her hand shook; and at the +conclusion, she dropped it with a dreadful groan, and remained quite +motionless. + +'Mary!' cried I, 'dear Mary, do not look so. Speak, Mary,' and I +stirred her shoulder; but she still sat motionless with a fixed smile. + +'I shall, I will see her!' cried the voice of William at a distance; +and the next instant he was seated breathless by her side. + +'Mary, my Mary!' cried he in the most touching accents. + +At the well-known voice, she started, and turned towards him; but in a +moment averted her face, and rose as pale as ashes. Then drawing some +letters and baubles from her bosom, she threw them into his lap, and +began gently disarranging her hair, all the time looking sideways at +him, with an air of pretty dignity. + +'Come,' said she, taking my hand, and leading me out of the arbour. +'Well, was not that glorious? Now I shall die content.' + +'Yes,' said I, 'after having first killed your William. Have I not +explained all about the letter; and how can you now treat him so +cruelly?' + +'The letter,' said she. 'Ay, true, the letter. Let me consider a +moment. He thought it was mine, do you say?' + +'He did indeed, Mary; and yet you will not be friends with him.' + +'But you see he won't follow me,' said she. 'He would have followed me +once. Is he following me?' + +'He cannot,' answered I. 'The poor young man is lying on the ground, +and sobbing ready to break his heart.' + +Mary stopped. + +'Shall I call him?' said I. + +'Why now,' said she, 'how can I prevent you?' + +'William!' cried I. 'Mary calls you.' + +William came flying towards her. At the sound of his steps she turned, +stretched forth her hands, uttered a long and piercing cry;--and they +were locked in each other's arms. + +But the poor girl, quite overpowered by the sudden change, fell back +insensible; while William, kissing her, and weeping over her, bore her +into the house, and laid her on a bed. + +It was so long before she shewed any symptoms of animation, that we +began to feel serious alarm; and William ran to the village for an +apothecary. By degrees she came to herself, and appeared somewhat more +composed; but still wandering. At last, with her hand clasped in her +lover's, she fell asleep; and then, as our presence could be no farther +useful, we took leave of the venerable peasant; who, generous with +recent hope, freely gave me his forgiveness and his blessing. + +In my first transports of anguish at this scene, I disclosed to Stuart, +what I had all day determined, but dreaded to tell--the situation of my +father in the madhouse. At the horrid account, the good young man +turned pale, but said not a word. I saw that I was undone, and I burst +into tears. + +'Be comforted, my dear girl,' said he, laying his hand on mine. 'You +have long been acting under the delusion of a dreadful dream, but this +confession, and these tears, are, I trust, the prognostics of a total +renunciation of error. So now let us hasten to your father and release +him. He shall forgive you; past follies shall be forgotten, past +pleasures renewed; you shall return to your real home, and Cherry +Wilkinson shall again be the daughter of an honest squire.' + +'Mr. Stuart,' said I, 'as to my past follies, I know of none but +two;--Mary's and my father's matters. And as to that father, he may not +be what you suppose him. I fancy, Sir, there are such things as men who +begin life with plain names, and end it with the most Italian in the +world.' + +'Well?' cried Stuart. + +'Well,' said I, 'that honest squire, as you call him, may yet come out +to be a marquis.' + +Stuart groaned, and put his head out at the window. + +We have reached London, and I take the opportunity to write while +Stuart is procuring from Grundy, who now lies in prison, such a +statement as cannot fail to make the Doctor release my poor father +without hesitation. + +How shall I support this approaching interview? I shall sink, I shall +die under it. Indeed I wish to die; and I feel an irresistible +presentiment that my prayer will shortly be granted. All day long I +have a horrid gloom hanging over me, besides a frequent wildness of +ideas, and an unusual irritability. I have a chilliness, and yet a +burning through my skin; and I am unwilling even to move. If I could +lock myself up in a room, with heaps of romances, and shut out all the +world, I sometimes fancy that I should be happy. But no, my friend; the +grave will soon be my chamber, the worms my books; and if ever I write +again, I shall write from the bed of death. I know it; I feel it. I +shall be reconciled to my dear parent, acknowledge my follies, and die. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XLVI + + +Agitated beyond measure, I found myself at the madhouse, without well +knowing how I had got there; and Stuart, after a long altercation with +the Doctor, supported me to the room where my father was confined. He +had to push me gently before him, and as I stopped breathless inside +the door, I saw by the dusky twilight a miserable object, shivering, +and sitting on a bed. A few rags and a blanket were cast about it: the +face was haggard, and the chin overgrown with a grisly beard. Yet, +amidst all this disfigurement, I could not mistake my father. I ran, +prostrated myself at his feet, and clasping his knees, exclaimed, +'Father, dear father!' + +He started, and gazed at me for a moment; then flung me from him, and +threw himself with his face downward on the bed. I cast my body across +his, and endeavoured, with both my hands, to turn round his head, that +I might embrace him; but he resisted every effort. + +'Father!' cried I, clasping his neck, 'will you break my heart? Will +you drive me to distraction? Speak, father! Oh! one word, one little +word, to save me from death!' + +Still he lay mute and immoveable. + +'You are cold, father,' said I. 'You shiver. Shall I put something +about you? shall I, father? Ah! I can be so kind and so tender when I +love one; and I love you dearly--Heaven knows I do.' + +I stole my hand on one of his, and lay caressing his forehead, and +murmuring words of fondness in his ear. But nothing could avail. He +withdrew his hand by degrees, and buried his forehead deeper in the +cloaths. And now half frantic, I began to wring my hands, and beat the +pillow, and moan, and utter the most deplorable lamentations. + +At last I thought I saw him a little convulsed, as if with smothered +tears. + +'Ah,' cried I, 'you are relenting, you are weeping. Bless you for that. +Dear, dear father, look up, and see with what joy a daughter can +embrace you.' + +'My child, my child!' cried he, turning, and throwing himself upon my +bosom. 'A heart of stone could not withstand this! There, there, there, +I forgive you all!' + +Fast and fondly did we cling round each other, and sweet were the sighs +that we breathed, and the tears that we shed. + +But I suffered too much: the disorder which had some time been +engendering in my frame now burst forth with alarming vehemence, and I +was conveyed raving into a carriage. On our arrival at the hotel, they +sent for a physician, who pronounced me in a violent fever of a nervous +nature. For a fortnight I was not expected to recover; and I myself +felt so convinced of my speedy dissolution, that I requested the +presence of a clergyman. He came; and his conversations, by composing +my mind, contributed in a great degree to my recovery. At my request, +he paid me daily visits. Our subject was religion,--not those +theological controversies which excite so much irreligious feeling, and +teach men to hate each other for the love of God; but those plain and +simple truths which convince without confounding, and which avoid the +bigotry that would worship error, because it is hereditary; and the +fanaticism that would lay rash hands on the holy temple, because some +of its smaller pillars appear unsound. + +After several days of discussion on this important topic, he led me, by +degrees, to give him an account of my late adventures; and as I +related, he made comments. + +Affected by his previous precepts, and by my own awful approach to +eternity, which had suppressed in my heart the passions of ambition and +pride, I now became as desirous of conviction as I had heretofore been +sophistical in support of my folly. To be predisposed is to be half +converted; and soon this exemplary pastor convinced my understanding of +the impious and immoral tendency of my past life. He shewed me, that to +the inordinate gratification of a particular caprice, I had sacrificed +my duty towards my natural protectors, myself, and my God. That my +ruling passion, though harmless in its nature, was injurious in its +effects; that it gave me a distaste for all sober occupations, +perverted my judgment, and even threatened me with the deprivation of +my reason. Religion itself, he said, if indulged with immoderate +enthusiasm, at last degenerates into zealotry, and leaves the poor +devotee too rapturous to be rational, and too virulent to be religious. + +In a word, I have risen from my bed, an altered being; and I now look +back on my past delusions with abhorrence and disgust. Though the new +principles of conduct which I have adopted are not yet rooted or +methodized in my mind, and though the prejudices of a whole life are +not (and indeed could not be) entirely eradicated in a few days; still, +as I am resolved on endeavouring to get rid of them, I trust that my +reason will second my desire, and that the final consequence of my +perceiving what is erroneous will be my learning what is correct. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XLVII + + +My health is now so far re-established, that I am no longer confined to +my room. Stuart pays us constant visits, and his lively advice and +witty reasoning, more complimentary than reproachful, and more +insinuated than expressed, have tended to perfect my reformation. + +He had put Don Quixote (a work which I never read before) into my +hands; and on my returning it to him, with a confession of the benefit +that I derived from it, the conversation naturally ran upon romances in +general. He thus delivered his sentiments. + +'I do not protest against the perusal of fictitious biography +altogether; for many works of this kind may be read without injury, +and some with profit. Novels such as the Vicar of Wakefield, The +Fashionable Tales, and Coelebs, which draw man as he is, imperfect, +instead of man as he cannot be, superhuman, are both instructive +and entertaining. Romances such as the Mysteries of Udolpho, the +Italian, and the Bravo of Venice, which address themselves to the +imagination alone, are often captivating, and seldom detrimental. But +unfortunately so seductive are the latter class of composition, that +one is apt to neglect more useful books for them; besides, when +indulged in extreme, they tend to incapacitate us from encountering +the turmoils of active life. They present us with incidents and +characters which we can never meet in the world; and act upon the mind +like intoxicating stimulants; first elevate, and at last enervate it. +They teach us to revel in ideal scenes of transport and distraction; +and harden our hearts against living misery, by making us so refined +as to feel disgust at its unpoetical accompaniments. + +'In a country where morals are on the decline, novels always fall +several degrees below the standard of national virtue: and the contrary +holds in an opposite state of things. For as these works are an +exaggerated picture of the times, they represent the prevalent opinions +and manners with a gigantic pencil. Thus, since France became depraved, +her novels have become dissolute; and since her social system arrived +at its extreme of vicious refinement, they too have adopted that last +master-stroke of refined vice, which wins the heart by the chastest +aphorisms, and then corrupts it by the most alluring pictures of +villainy. Take Rousseau for instance. What St. Preux is to Heloise, the +book is to the reader. The lover so fascinates his mistress by his +honourable sentiments, that she cannot resist his criminal advances. +The book infatuates the reader, till, in his admiration of its +morality, he loses all recollection of its licentiousness; for as +virtue is more captivating, so vice is less disgusting when adorned +with the Graces. It may be said that an author ought to portray vice in +its seductive colours, for the purpose of unmasking its arts, and thus +warning the young and inexperienced. But let it be recollected, that +though familiarity with enchanting descriptions of vice may add to +prudence, it must diminish virtue; and that while it teaches the reason +to resist, it entices the passions to yield. It was Rousseau's system, +however, to paint the scenes of a brothel, in order to speak the cant +of a monastery; and thus has he undone many an imitating miss or wife, +who began by listening to the language of love, that she might talk +sentiment, and act virtue; and ended by falling a victim to it, because +her heart had become entangled, her head bewildered, and her principles +depraved. + +'Now, though we seldom see such publications in this country, yet there +is a strain of well-meaning, but false morality prevalent in some. I +will add (for why should I conceal it from you?) that your principles, +which have hitherto been formed upon such books alone, appear, at +times, a little perverted by their influence. It should now, therefore, +be your object to counteract these bad effects by some more rational +line of reading; and, as your ideas of real life are drawn from novels; +and as even your manners and language are vitiated by them, I would +recommend to you to mix in the world, to copy living instead of +imaginary beings, and to study the customs of actual, not ideal +society.' + +With this opinion my father perfectly coincided: the system has already +been begun, and I now pass my time in an alternation of instruction and +amusement. Morality, history, languages, and music, occupy my mornings; +and my evenings are sometimes enlivened by balls, operas, and familiar +parties. As, therefore, we shall remain some time in town, my father +has taken a house. + +Stuart, my counsellor and my companion, sits by my side, directs my +studies, re-assures my timidity, and corrects my mistakes. Indeed he +has to correct them often; for I still retain some taints of my former +follies and affectations. My postures are sometimes too picturesque, my +phrases too flowery, and my sentiments too sublime. + +This having been the day fixed for the trials of Betterton and Grundy, +the prisoners were brought to the bar, and the names of the prosecutors +called. But these did not appear, and of consequence the culprits were +discharged. It is supposed that Betterton, the great declaimer against +bribery and corruption, had tampered with the postilion and the police, +and thus escaped the fate which awaited him. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XLVIII + + +In ridding ourselves of a particular fault, we are apt, at first, to +run too far into its opposite virtue. I had poured forth my tender +feelings to you with such sentimental absurdity, when I fancied myself +enamoured of one man, that as soon as I began to reform, and found +myself actually attached to another, I determined on concealing my +fondness from you, with the most scrupulous discretion of pen. Perhaps, +therefore, I should beg your forgiveness for never having hinted to you +before, what I am now about disclosing to you without any reserve. + +Even at the very time when I thought I was bound in duty to be +devotedly in love with the hateful Grundy, I felt an unconscious +partiality for Stuart. But after my reformation, that partiality became +too decisive to be misinterpreted or concealed. And indeed he was so +constantly with me, and so kind a comforter and friend; and then so +fascinating are his manners, and so good his disposition; for I am +certain there is no such young man at all--you see in his eyes what he +is; you see instantly that his heart is all gentleness and benevolence, +and yet he has a fire in them, a fire that would delight you: and I +could tell you a thousand anecdotes of him that would astonish +you.--But what have I done with my sentence? Go back, good pen, and +restore it to the grammar it deserves: or rather leave it as it is--a +cripple for life, and hasten to the happy catastrophe. + +With a secret transport which I cannot describe, I began of late to +perceive that Stuart had become more assiduous than usual in his visits +to me; that his manners betrayed more tenderness, and his language more +regard. These attentions increased daily; nor did he omit opportunities +of hinting his passion, in terms which I could not mistake. + +This morning, however, put the matter beyond a doubt. I was alone when +he came to pay his accustomed visit. At first he made some faint +attempts at conversing upon indifferent topics; but all the time I +could perceive an uneasiness and perturbation in his manner that +surprised me. + +'Pray,' said I, at length, 'what makes you so dull and absent to-day?' + +'You,' replied he, with a smile. + +'And what have I done?' said I. + +''Tis not what you have done,' answered he; 'but what you will do.' + +'And what is that?' said I. + +He changed to a nearer chair, and looked at me with much agitation. I +guessed what was coming; I had expected it some time; but now, when the +moment arrived, I felt my heart fail; so I suddenly moved towards the +door, saying that I was sure I heard my father call. Stuart sprang +after me, and led me back by the hand. + +'When I tell you,' said he, 'that on the possession of this hand +depends my happiness, may I flatter myself with the hope that my +happiness would not contribute to your misery?' + +'As I am no longer a heroine,' said I, smiling, 'I do not intend to get +up a scene. You happen to have my hand now; and I am afraid--very much +afraid, that----' + +'That what?' cried he, holding it faster. + +'That it is not worth withdrawing,' said I. + +But in this effort to shun a romance eclaircissement, I had, I feared, +run into the contrary extreme, and betrayed an undue boldness; so I got +sentimental in good earnest, and burst into tears. Stuart led me to my +chair, and soon dissipated my uneasiness by his eloquent expressions of +gratitude and delight, and his glowing pictures of our future +happiness. I told him, that I wondered how he, who knew my failings so +well, would venture to stake his happiness upon me. + +'It was by my knowledge of your failings,' said he, 'that I discovered +your perfections. Those embarrassments of your life which I witnessed +have enabled me to judge of you more justly in a few months, than had I +been acquainted with you whole years, in the common routine of +intercourse. They have shewn me, that if you had weakness enough to +court danger, you had firmness enough to withstand temptation; and that +while the faulty part of your character was factitious and +superinduced, all the pure and generous impulses came from your heart.' + +Our conversation was interrupted by the sudden entrance of my father; +and on his hearing from Stuart (who, it seems had made him a confidant) +the favourable issue of our interview, the good old man hugged both of +us in his arms. + +To detain you no longer, a week hence is fixed for our wedding. + +I have just received a letter from Mary, mentioning her perfect +restoration to health, and her union with William. I shall offer no +observation on your late marriage with the butler; but I must remark, +that your reason for having never given me advice, during my +follies--namely, because my father had deprived you of the right to do +so, evinced more anger towards him than love for me. However, I shall +always be happy to hear of your welfare. + +Adieu. + + + + +LETTER XLIX + + +I have just time to tell you, before I leave town, that my fate was +sealed this morning, and that I am a wife. + +On my return to the house, after the ceremony, I found an epithalamium, +addressed to me by poor Higginson; but it was more filled with hints at +his own misery than congratulations upon my happiness. + +Honest Jerry Sullivan met me at the door, and shook my hand, and danced +round me in a fury of outrageous joy. + +'Well,' cried he, 'often and often I thought your freaks would get you +hanged; but may I be hanged if ever I thought they would get you +married!' + +'You see,' said I to Stuart, 'after all your pains to prevent me from +imitating romances, you have made me terminate my adventures like a +true romance--in a wedding. Pray with what moral will you now conclude +the book?' + +'I will say,' returned he, 'that virtue--no. That calamity--no. That +fortitude and resignation--oh, no! I will say, then, that Tommy Horner +was a bad boy, and would not get plumcake; and that King Pepin was a +good boy, and rode in a golden coach.' + +Adieu. + + + + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's note: + +Minor typographical errors have been corrected without note. + +Irregularities and inconsistencies in the text have been retained as +printed. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43065 *** |