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diff --git a/42734-8.txt b/42734-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index a457dbf..0000000 --- a/42734-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1760 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, -June 22nd, 1895, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, June 22nd, 1895 - -Author: Various - -Release Date: May 18, 2013 [EBook #42734] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - - - - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - -VOL. 108. JUNE 22, 1895. - -_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ - - - - -ROUNDABOUT READINGS. - -[Illustration] - -It has been noticed by philosophers that a mere name will often lead -a man to his ruin. Why, for example, was JOHN DARLEY fined twenty -shillings and costs at the Tynemouth Petty Sessions? He met a -boiler-smith, RICHARD ROTHWELL, riding on a bicycle. Thereupon, -without any apparent reason, he used abusive language, bashed the -unoffending boiler-smith on the nose, brandished a knife, and shouted -out, "Come on!--I'm JOHNNY DARLEY, from Byker." There you have it. -Residing, as he did, in a perpetual comparative, he naturally despised -and loathed the positive "byke." Hence his violent assault on its -rider. - - * * * - -I observe, with deep regret, that Professor LLOYD, of Southport, -has been fined for trespassing on a railway bridge at Preston. The -Professor did not want to stay there. All he wished to do, and all -that he actually did, was to dive off into the water below. He is an -aquatic Professor, and informed the Bench that he was obliged to do -these things to keep up his reputation. - - * * * - - I'll tell you a tale of Professor LLOYD, - Who dived off a bridge at Preston-- - An act that the magistrates much annoyed, - Though he kept both his coat and vest on. - They said "You mustn't repeat this joke, - Professor, or else you'll rue it." - But LLOYD, the Professor, he up and spoke, - And said, "I'm obliged to do it. - Up on the bridge I stand for awhile, - I stand till I fairly shiver. - Then down I go--it seems like a mile-- - And I plunge in the bubbling river. - I hope your worships won't "queer my pitch," - For I'm sorry to give you trouble - In maintaining a reputation which - Is so closely combined with bubble." - - * * * - -I wish I had been in Hawick lately. Ever since I first learnt the -rudiments of the English language I have been haunted by a desire to -know how a man looked and acted when he "bussed the Standard." They've -done that at Hawick "in connection," as I read, "with the celebration -of the ancient custom of the Common Riding." Later on "the local -slogan '_Teribus_' was sung with great vigour." There is something -crushing, scattering, and battle-heralding about the mere sound of -that fearful word. - - * * * - -J. B., who describes himself as "A Residenter in Oswald Road," writes -to _The Scotsman_ to complain of the flimsy material used in the -construction of the lamp-posts near his dwelling. The other day a -milk-van ran away--at least, the horse drawing it did. "One would -think," says J. B., "the progress of such a small vehicle would have -been arrested by coming into collision with one lamp-post, but four -posts were destroyed by the van. On examination it is found that the -foundation of a street lamp-post only goes three inches into the -stone below it. With such a short hold the lamp-post is easily toppled -over." Of course it is. To fix lamp-posts so inadequately gives -a direct encouragement to milk-vans to run away and attempt their -destruction. Let the Lord Provost of Edinburgh look to it. - - * * * - -The Master and the Matron of the workhouse at Stratford-on-Avon have -resigned, and the guardians have been "considerably discussing" the -appointment of their successors. Eventually it was resolved, not -only to reduce the salaries, but also--hear this, ye licensed -victuallers!--to cut off the beer-money hitherto paid. What dignity -can possibly attach to a workhouse officer who has to pay for his own -beer? It is by such insidious attacks as this that the foundations of -public confidence are shaken, and the whole fabric of the Constitution -is endangered. My mind misgives me when I attempt to forecast the -future of Stratford. - - * * * - -At Tetbury there is a lodge of the recently-established Conservative -Working Men's Benefit Society. It is called--_absit omen_--the Trouble -House Lodge, and quite recently it held a _fête_ and dinner. 'Tis -always _fête_-day somewhere in the world. Indeed, the amount of -_fêtes_ that take place on any given day in provincial England is -astounding. Without frequent _fêtes_ no district can be considered -respectable. - - * * * - - In the world that we live in our troubles are great; - To add to their number is scarcely the game. - Nay, how can these lodgers delight in their _fête_, - With perpetual trouble attached to their name? - - * * * - -At Owens College, Manchester, so I gather from the letter of "An -Old Student" in _The Manchester Guardian_, some of the students are -beginning to feel, that "while its teaching of specific subjects is -admirable, in fact, unsurpassed, its general education--that education -which consists in the development of men--has not yet reached the same -level." They therefore wish to develop athletics, and by making the -modest subscription of 10_s._ 6_d._ compulsory on all, "to decoy the -unathletic man into taking exercise almost without knowing it." At -present only 150 out of 800 students pay up. I heartily commend this -proposal, though I confess I should like to know what sort of -exercise it is that a man can take almost without knowing it. Let -the unathletic man be decoyed by all means, but let him thoroughly -understand that he is to take exercise, and take it, if possible, with -reasonable violence. - - * * * - -MR. N. F. DRUCE, of Cambridge, is, as I write, at the head of the -batting averages of this year, and next to him comes the marvellous W. -G. - - Ye batsmen attend, of my hints make a use, - And consider the greatness of GRACE and of DRUCE. - If you wish to make hundreds your names, you'll agree - Must be monosyllabic and end with c, e. - - * * * * * - -ASCOT. - -_To Monsieur Punch._ - -_Cher Monsieur_,--Last year I am gone to your races of Ascot. It is -beautiful, it is ravishing, but how it is dear! Thousand thunders, -how it is dear! I go to the _Grand Prix_, I pay twenty francs, that is -also dear, but it is all, it is finished. Eh well, I desire to see one -time your Gold Cup, and I go of good hour by railway. Arrived there I -pay one pound, that what you call one sov., and I enter. I suppose I -can go by all--_partout_, how say you? Ah, but no! I see by all some -_affiches_ "One Pound." - -I can to write your language enough well, but I speak with much of -difficulty. Therefore I read the affixes without nothing to ask. -Thus when I read "One Pound" I go no more far. I walk myself in -the charming garden and I see the beautiful misses. Ah how they are -adorable! DAUDET has wrong, DAUDET is imbecile, they are adorable. It -is not the pain to pay again some pounds for to see to run the horses, -when I can to see the misses who walk themselves here, without to pay -of more. - -But in fine I am fatigued. Also I have great hunger, for it is the -hour of the _déjeuner_. But without doubt one is obliged to pay one -pound before to enter the bar. My word, I will not! I shall not pay -one sov., and more, for a squashed lemon and a bun of Bath. I go to -smoke at place of that, and I walk myself at the shade all near of an -arch. - -All of a blow all the world lifts himself and comes very quick towards -me. I cannot escape, I am carried away by the crowd, I arrive to the -arch. I think "_Du courage, AUGUSTE mon cher! Sois calme! S'il y -a encore une livre à payer----_" But there is no sov., and I pass. -Thousand thunders! What is, then, this noise? Is he a revolution, a -riot of Anarchists? Ah, no! It are the bookmakers. The bookmakers -in the midst of the ladies! Hold, it is droll! And I pay one sov. to -stand with those men there! It is too strong! I go more far, I pass -the barrier, I am alone on the grass. I go to left. I see some men, in -a cage of iron, who cry also. It is--how say you?--"Tatersal." Then, -ah heaven, I arrive at the true _Pesage!_ Not of burgesses, not of -villain beasts of bookmakers, not even of "Tatersals." But _partout_ -the ladies the most beautiful, the most charming, the most adorable! -It is there I go! Even if I pay one sov., two sovs., three sovs., I -go! - -I essay to enter. The policeman stops me. I say, "One pound?" and I -offer to him one sov. He looks all around, and then he says, quite -low, "No good, Sir--the inspector's looking." I say, "She is good, -that pound there, I assure you of it. Is there two to pay?" And I hold -one other. Then the inspector comes and says I bribe the policeman. I -say that no. He says that yes. I am furious. I say I pay the entrance. -He says, "Get off the course." I refuse. He pushes me. I resist. Other -policemen push me. Just heaven, they force me to go! I cannot resist. -Then all the people in face cry furiously. They shout "Welshman!" How -they are stupid! Can they think that I am a Welshman--me, AUGUSTE? Ah, -that it is droll! Then the policemen run, and I run also. I wish not -to run, but I am forced. And, in fine, we are at the railway station, -and they put me in a train, and I arrive to London at three o'clock. -See there all that I have seen of your races of Ascot, and I have paid -one sov. It costs very dear. - - Sincere friendships, AUGUSTE. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "HONEY, MY HONEY!" - -_Chinaman._ "MUCH OBLIGED TO YOU FOR THIS LITTLE ADVANCE; BUT I'M -AFRAID I SHALL WANT SOME MORE SOON." - -_Bear_ (_aside_). "SO SHALL I! A GOOD DEAL MORE--FROM _YOU_." - - [_Hums "Oh, honey, MY honey!"_ -] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE. - -_Auntie._ "ARCHIE, RUN UP TO THE HOUSE, AND FETCH MY RACKET. THERE'S A -DEAR!" - -_Archie_ (_preparing to depart_). "ALL RIGHT. BUT I SAY, AUNTIE, DON'T -LET ANYBODY TAKE MY SEAT, WILL YOU?"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration] - -THE MAN AND THE MAID. - -(_Up-to-date "Biking" Version._) - - "Where are you going, young Man?" cried the Maid. - "I'm going a cycling, Miss!" he said. - "May I come with you, young Man?" asked the Maid. - "Why. ye-e-es, if you feel like it, Miss!" he said. - "But--why do I find you like Man arrayed?" - "Oh, knickers are cumfy, young Man!" she said. - "But the boys will chevvy you, Miss, I'm afraid!" - "What does _that_ matter, young Man?" she said. - "Are you a Scorcher, young Man?" asked the Maid. - "Nothing so vulgar, fair Miss!" he said. - "Then I don't think much of you!" mocked the Maid. - "Neither does 'ARRY, sweet Miss!" he said. - "What is your ideal, young Man?" said the Maid. - "A womanly Woman, fair Miss" he said. - "Then _I_ can't marry you, Sir!" cried the Maid. - "Thank heaven for _that_, manly Miss!" he said. - - * * * * * - -A RULE OF CONDUCT. - -You _say_ to a man what you _couldn't_ write to him; and you _write_ -to a man what you _wouldn't_ say to him.--JAMES THE TRAN-QUILL PENMAN, -J.P. - - * * * * * - -SCRAPS FROM CHAPS. - -A famous old mill has been burned to the ground. None other than that -situate upon the river Dee, where a certain jolly miller sang songs -and earned the envy of "bluff King HAL" in days of old, wearing the -white flour of a blameless life. He also wore a white hat, for the -purpose, it is said, of keeping his head warm. The modern miller wears -one in summer to keep his head cool. No doubt he found it useful at -the fire. Great thing to keep a cool head on such occasions. The -mill has now been destroyed by fire four times. There was an ancient -prophecy, according to a local paper, that it was doomed to be burned -down three times. This Delphic oracle would, of course, have inspired -the simple gentlemen of old Greece to give up insuring after the third -fire. Probably the modern "miller of the Dee" has committed a paradox, -and profited by a lofty disregard for his prophet. - - * * * - -All Saints Church, Old Swan, is the first Liverpool church which has -adopted the innovation of lady choristers wearing the new surplices -and caps, which have been specially designed for their use. The -surplices are quite unlike those used by the clergy; they are more -like dolmans. The caps are of the shape worn by a D.C.L., and are made -of violet velvet. One of the most cogent reasons for their adoption -is expressed by the Rev. Canon WILKINSON, who, as appears from the -_Sheffield and Rotherham Independent_, writes thus:--"Since these -garments have been introduced, the offertories in the church have been -increased by at least one-third." - - * * * * * - -INTERNATIONAL DISCOURTESY.--The French law, it seems, requires the -owner of a yacht, in which he is himself sailing, to supply stores of -victual and drink for his crew. A French yacht put in at Dartmouth, -says the _Field_, and the Dartmouth Custom-house officials darted -down on her, and made the owner pay for what he used of his own. "They -manage these things better in France." This would have been indeed, "a -This would have been indeed, "a 'Custom' more honoured in the breach -than in the observance." - - * * * * * - -RUS IN URBE - -A SKETCH IN REGENT'S PARK. - - SCENE--_A railed-in corner of the Park._ TIME--_about_ 7 P.M. - _Inside the inclosure three shepherds are engaged in shearing - the park sheep. The first shepherd has just thrown his patient - on its back, gripped its shoulders between his knees, and - tucked its head, as a tiresome and obstructive excrescence, - neatly away under one of his arms, while he reaches for the - shears. The second is straddled across his animal, which is - lying with its hind legs hobbled on a low stage under an elm, - in a state of stoical resignation, as its fleece is deftly - snipped from under its chin. The third operator has almost - finished his sheep, which, as its dark gray fleece slips away - from its pink-and-white neck and shoulders, suggests a rather_ - décolletée _dowager in the act of removing her theatre-cloak - in the stalls. Sheep, already shorn, lie and pant in shamed - and shivering bewilderment, one or two nibble the blades of - grass, as if to assure themselves that that resource is still - open to them. Sheep whose turn is still to come are penned up - at the back, and look on, scandalised, but with an air which - seems to express that their own superior respectability is a - sufficient protection against similar outrage. The shearers - appear to take a humorous view of their task, and are watched - by a crowd which has collected round the railings, with an - agreeable assurance that they are not expected to contribute - towards the entertainment._ - -_First Work-Girl_ (_edging up_). Whatever's goin' on inside 'ere? -(_After looking--disappointed._) Why, they aint on'y a lot o' sheep! I -thought it was Reciters, or somethink o' that. - -[Illustration: "They ain't on'y a lot o' sheep! I thought it was -Reciters, or somethink o' that."] - -_Second Work-Girl_ (_with irony_). They _look_ like Reciters, -don't they! It do seem a shime cuttin' them poor things as close as -convicks, that it do! - -_First W. G._ They don't mind it partickler; you'd 'ear 'em 'oller -fast enough if they did. - -_Second W. G._ I expeck they feel so ridic'lus, they 'aven't the 'art -to 'oller. - -_Lucilla_ (_to_ GEORGE). Do look at that one going up and sniffing at -the bundles of fleeces, trying to find out which is his. _Isn't_ it -pathetic? - -_George._ H'm--puts one in mind of a shy man in a cloak-room after a -party, saying feebly, "I rather think that's _my_ coat, and there's a -crush-hat of mine _somewhere_ about," eh? - -_Lucilla_ (_who is always wishing that_ GEORGE _would talk more -sensibly_). Considering that sheep don't _wear_ crush-hats, I hardly -see how---- - -_George._ My dear, I bow to your superior knowledge of natural -history. Now you mention it, I believe it _is_ unusual. But I merely -meant to suggest a general resemblance. - -_Lucilla_ (_reprovingly_). I know. And you've got into such a silly -habit of seeing resemblances in things that are perfectly different. -I'm sure I'm _always_ telling you of it. - -_George._ You are, my dear. But I'm not nearly so bad as I _was_. -Think of all the things I used to compare _you_ to before we were -married! - -_Sarah Jane_ (_to her_ Trooper). I could stand an' look on at 'em -hours, I could. I was born and bred in the country, and it do seem to -bring back my old 'ome that plain. - -_Her Trooper._ I'm country bred, too, though yer mightn't think it. -But there ain't much in sheep shearin' to _my_ mind. If it was _pig -killin'_, now! - -_Sarah Jane._ Ah, that's along o' your bein' in the milingtary, I -expect. - -_Her Trooper._ No, it ain't that. It's the reckerlections it 'ud -call up. I 'ad a 'ole uncle a pork-butcher, d'ye see, and (_with -sentiment_) many and many a 'appy hour I've spent as a boy---- - - [_He indulges in tender reminiscences._ - -_A Young Clerk_ (_who belongs to a Literary Society, to his_ Fiancée). -It has a wonderfully rural look--quite like a scene in 'Ardy, isn't -it? - -_His Fiancée_ (_who has "no time for reading rubbish"_). I daresay; -though I've never been there myself. - -_The Clerk._ Never been? Oh, I see. You thought I said _Arden_--the -Forest of Arden, in SHAKSPEARE, didn't you? - -_His Fiancée._ Isn't that where Mr. GLADSTONE lives, and goes cutting -down the trees in? - -_The Clerk._ No; at least it's spelt different. But it was 'ARDY _I_ -meant. _Far from the Madding Crowd_, you know. - -_His Fiancée_ (_with a vague view to the next Bank Holiday_). What do -you _call_ "far"--farther than _Margate_? - - [_Her companion has a sense of discouragement._ - -_An Artisan_ (_to a neighbour in broadcloth and a whitechoker_). It's -wonderful 'ow they can go so close without 'urtin' of 'em, ain't it? - -_His Neighbour_ (_with unction_). Ah, my friend, it on'y shows 'ow -true it is that 'eving tempers the shears for the shorn lambs! - -_A Governess_ (_instinctively, to her charge_). Don't you think you -ought to be very grateful to that poor sheep, ETHEL, for giving up her -nice warm fleece on purpose to make a frock for _you?_ - -_Ethel_ (_doubtfully_). Y--yes, Miss MAVOR. But (_with a fear that -some reciprocity may be expected of her_) she's too big for any of my -_best_ frocks, _isn't_ she? - -_First Urchin_ (_perched on the railings_). Ain't that 'un a-kickin'? -'E don't like 'aving '_is_ 'air cut, 'e don't, no more shouldn't I if -it was me.... 'E's bin an' upset 'is bloke on the grorss, now! Look at -the bloke layin' there larfin'.... 'E's ketched 'im agin now. See 'im -landin' 'im a smack on the 'ed; that'll learn 'im to stay quiet, eh? -'E's strong, ain't 'e? - -_Second Urchin._ Rams is the wust, though, 'cause they got 'orns, rams -'ave. - -_First Urch._ What, same as goats? - -_Second Urch._ (_emphatically_). Yuss! Big crooked 'uns. And runs at -yer, they do. - -_First Urch._ I wish they was rams in 'ere. See all them sheep waitin' -to be done. I wonder what they're finkin' of. - -_Second Urch._ Ga-arn! They _don't_ fink, sheep don't. - -_First Urch._ Not o' anyfink? - -_Second Urch._ Na-ow! They aint got nuffink to fink _about_, sheep -ain't. - -_First Urch._ I lay they _do_ fink, orf an' on. - -_Second Urch._ Well, I lay _you_ never see 'em doin' of it! - - [_And so on. The first Shepherd disrobes his sheep, and - dismisses it with a disrespectful spank. After which he - proceeds to refresh himself from a brown jar, and hands it to - his comrades. The spectators look on with deeper interest, and - discuss the chances of the liquid being beer, cider, or cold - tea, as the scene closes._ - - * * * * * - -OPERATIC NOTES. - -[Illustration: Patti commence la Patti-série.] - -_Tuesday._--Grand night. Memorable for _rentrée_ of ADELINA PATTI. She -has been absent from C. G. Opera many years. Welcome little stranger! -Absence makes hearts fonder, and so Big Heart of Big House, crowded -right up to tipmost topmost, goes out to ADELINA PATTI reappearing -as radiant _Violetta_, the Consumptive Cocotte and heroine of _La -Traviata_. Quite in best Tra-la-la-viata form is our PATTI to-night. -The knowing ones observe high keys politely transposed to suit -ADELINA. But what manager could refuse to _put down the notes_ when -ADELINA agrees to sing? All come in early. Upper parts of House at -Lowest prices either breakfasted or lunched on doorstep, waiting for -Warbler to commence. Warbler begins 8.30 sharp. "8.30 sharp" maybe, -but Warbler neither sharp nor flat; in perfect tune. DE LUCIA first -rate as poor, spoony little _Alfredo_; and ANCONA admirable as Old -Original G. G., _i.e._, _Georgy Germont_. "_Pura siccome_," and -"_Parigi o cara_," old friends all, come out as fresh as ever, or -fresher. Get story rather mixed up with that of _Manon_, which in some -respects it resembles: _Violetta_ evidently _Manon's_ niece, or first -cousin. Touchingly sympathetic acting on part of Mlle. BAUERMEISTER as -the nurse (draught, &c., every hour, prescriptions carefully made up) -attending on the suffering soprano. _Annina_ deeply touched by -sad meeting between _Alfred_, "such a Daisy,"--or, such a -"Lack-a-Daisy,"--and his sweet _Violet_. - - * * * * * - -OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. - -"Who won the battle of Tel-el-Kebir?" "I, said Cock HAMLEY, I won -Tel-el-Kebir with my Highland Brigade." Mr. INNES SHAND'S life of -General Sir E. B. HAMLEY (BLACKWOOD) is obviously published with chief -intent of placing in permanent form HAMLEY'S claim in respect of this -engagement. It is not a new story. It was published to the world soon -after the event in the pages of a monthly magazine. The article, a -model of terse, lucid, yet picturesque writing, is reproduced in these -volumes. Whether accurate in detailed assertion and induction, or -coloured by strong feeling, it is a melancholy story. Either HAMLEY -was deliberately ignored in the Commander-in-Chief's despatches after -Tel-el-Kebir, or he was under a remarkable hallucination. The affair -is all the more curious since Sir GARNET WOLSELEY, as soon as he was -appointed to the Egyptian command, sought out HAMLEY and offered him -the command of one of the divisions of the expeditionary force. -The secret of the estrangement which soon developed between the two -soldiers is, my Baronite suspects, to be found in the characteristic -fact that the very day the ship conveying Sir GARNET WOLSELEY arrived -at Alexandria, HAMLEY went on board and proposed to show his chief how -the enemy should be attacked. "He did not seem to wish to pursue the -subject," HAMLEY writes in his diary, "and I soon after took leave." -Other incidents, which HAMLEY hotly resented, culminated in the -despatch to the War Office reporting the fight at Tel-el-Kebir, and -ignoring the Highland Brigade, which, in the view of its commander, -had borne the brunt of the battle. Some day Lord WOLSELEY may give -his version of the affair. Meantime it gloomily stands forth in this -record of a strenuous but, on the whole, a disappointed life. It is -pleasant to learn that HAMLEY gratefully recognised in one of _Mr. -Punch's_ Cartoons a powerful incentive to the course of public feeling -which postponed his being shelved under the operation of the scheme of -compulsory retirement by reason of age. The most charming passages -in the book are the correspondence with the late Mr. BLACKWOOD, who -opened to General HAMLEY the avenue to literary fame. - -One of my Baronites of Irish extraction writes thusly:--"_A Tale of -the Thames_ is the title of the Summer Number of _The Graphic_. It is -written by J. ASHBY-STERRY, and illustrated by WILLIAM HATHERELL. The -course of the story--or, rather, the watercourse of the story--covers -a good deal of ground, embracing as it does, on both sides, -most places of interest between the Source in Trewsbury Mead, -Gloucestershire, and Hampton Court." Quoth the Baron, "I am all -anxiety to see this tale of the Thames uncoil itself." - -The Baron welcomes a comparatively "handy" volume ("handy" relative -term, depending on size of hand) of reference, entitled, _Men and -Women of the Time_, new edition, brought out by Messrs. GEORGE -ROUTLEDGE, edited by Mr. PLARR of Oxford; and the _plat_ that is set -before the public and the Baron appears to be a thoroughly satisfying -one. "The first name for which I naturally looked," quoth the Baron, -"was that of ROUTLEDGE himself, but searching from ROSSI, through -Roumania, to ROWBOTHAM, nowhere did I light upon the name of -ROUTLEDGE. Master MILLAIS is here, also MILLER, likewise MILLS; but I -do not see the name of the author of the _'Arry Papers_, the inventor -of 'ARRY in these columns, of immortal fame. "Name him!" In every -other respect the compilers and publishers are to be congratulated, -and do hereby stand congratulated, on their work by the -ever-appreciative - - BARON DE B.-W. - - * * * * * - -THE TWO GRACES. - - ["There was something pathetic in seeing old W. G. and young - W. G. at the wicket together. It is not often we see father - and son together at the wicket in first-class cricket."--The - _Star_ on the M. C. C. _v._ Kent match at Lords.] - -[Illustration: Tom Bowling.] - -AIR--"_The Two Obadiahs._" - - Says the old W. G. to the young W. G., - "Pat your wicket, dear son WILLIAM, pat your wicket! - In the pitch there are bad patches, that may lead to bowls or catches; - And you're now in first-class cricket, first-class cricket. - I've already topped my fame; _you_ have got to make your name. - I should like to see us both make a 'century' this time!" - Says the young W. G. to the old W. G., - "'Twould be prime, Father WILLIAM, _'twould_ be prime!" - - Says the young W. G. to the old W. G., - "How I wish that I could time and place like you! - I should like to hear them clap me, but my gig-lamps handicap me; - Still I'll do my little best to pile a few." - Says the old W. G., "Run for all you're worth, like me! - You must always 'play the game.' You must ever 'look alive.'" - Groans the young W. G. to the old W. G., - "Caught--for Five! Father WILLIAM, only Five!" - - Says the old W. G. to the young W. G., - "Bother HEARNE, dear son WILLIAM, JONES and HEARNE! - But don't _you_ get in a pucker! Caught and bowled for Fives's a mucker, - But be patient, and you're sure to get your turn. - _I_ am going to have a shy for another Cen-tu-ry. - You must help me by-and-by to keep up the family name!" - Says the young W. G. to the old W. G., - "Right you are, dad! Wish you luck, and a good game!" - - * * * * * - -"THREE WHICH'S?"--Will SARA B., ELEANORA DUSE, and Miss ADA REHAN be -playing individually and separately at different theatres all at the -same time? Were this concatenation to occur, the playgoer, at the -height of the season, would be as puzzled as was the "anxious cit," -who "each invitation views, And ponders which to take and which -refuse." The "stayer" will win. Fly away, SARA, fly away, NORA--and so -from three take two, and only ADA REHAN remains, which is a simple -sum in subtraction, though Miss REHAN herself is always a most -welcome Ada-ition to the English-as-she-is-spoken Drama in London. The -Augustinians of Trafalgar Square return to their Daly avocations on -the 25th. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: UNDESIGNED COINCIDENCE. - -_Curate_ (_to Parish Choir, practising the Anthem_). "NOW WE'LL BEGIN -AGAIN AT THE 'HALLELUJAH,' AND PLEASE LINGER LONGER ON THE '_LU_'!"] - - * * * * * - -THE GRACEFUL TRIBUTE. - -SIR,--Being "stumped," alas I can only send Dr. GRACE my best wishes, -and a round 0, which is good for naught. - - Yours, - RUN OUT. - -SIR,--To encourage "Our Boys" in the National Game, I am heartily glad -to see the daily (_Telegraph_) increasing list of subscribers to _the_ -testimonial. Had poor H. J. BYRON been alive--the mention of "Our -Boys" of course recalls him to our minds--he would no doubt have sent -a coin, and further subscribed himself - - PERKYN MIDDLEWICK-ET. - -SIR,--The present enthusiasm for cricket and its distinguished -Professor will spread to France. There _le cricquet_ has already been -introduced, and, when no misadventure occurs, the batsman, returning -triumphant and grateful, records his "_actions de Grace_." - - Yours, - HOMME D'UNE CHAUVE-SOURIS. - - P.S.--_Je fais le cricquet, autrement je m'enGRAISSE._ (See?) - -SIR,--I miss one important name from the _Telegraph_ list of -subscriptions to Grace Testimonial. What is GRACE the Batsman without -T. G. BOWLES? - - Yours, - BATTER PUDDING, M.P. - -SIR,--Here's something original. Lay out some of the coin subscribed -in purchasing for Dr. W. G., the champion "Willow-wielder," a set of -"Willow-pattern plates." - - OLD CHINA. - - P.S.--I happen to have by me a rare, almost invaluable set, - which I can dispose of at a certain figure. - -SIR,--Dr. GRACE is now getting on for fifty. In another four years he -will complete his half century. _Therefore_ he is no chicken. _Ergo_, -he may one day have a duck's egg. I withhold my subscription, to -accumulate with interest, till _that_ occurs. - - AN ARDENT ADMIRER. - -[Illustration: A Wicket Girl.] - -SIR,--Ah me! and well-a-day! it is the grand sorrow of my life! I -cannot subscribe to this fund for Dr. GRACE. I dare not, except you -allow me to send it confidentially through you, Sir, ever the Ladies' -friend. Ah Sir! long ago my heart "went out"--to whom? no matter. -It was a cricketer. I never told my love! I long-stopped! But never, -never, shall I forget that memorable day when _he_ was there, and when -someone, Dr. G. will remember who it was, _bowled a maiden over!_ I am -not a heroine, but I may sign this (as I address it fervently to) - - "GRACE DARLING!" - _The Lighthouse, A Little off--the Coast._ - -SIR,--I belong to an "Impi" tribe--with "cunious" added. Otherwise -would I contribute what I did to the first cricket-match I ever -played, when, as the ball was thrown at me, to save my head _I gave -a bob_. I cannot even do that now. But as a lover of the game I -hope that there are many youthful Britons eager to follow "_Exemplum -Gratiæ_." - - Yours, - STUMP ORATOR. - -DEAR SIR,--I think you are quite right to encourage cricket, as it is -a noble game. The Duke of WELLINGTON ones said that Trafalgar was won -on the Eton Playing-fields. I don't think he was quite right there, as -I have always been told that the battle was fought abroad. I am last -in my class, but I'm in the second Eleven. I'm often "not out," and -to-day I've had to "stay in" all the time during the match, because I -had a saying-lesson to write out and translate. The other day I made -27, including three fourers, against the United Thingummies. - - I remain, yours enthusiastically, - TOMMY. - _The Only College._ - - P.S.--I will send my shilling as soon as I can get it from - BATLEY _mi._ He owes it me for birds' eggs. - -SIR,--I am only too happy to contribute my mite, for though it's -some while--alas! how time flies--since I handled the willow, I well -remember playing in the early forties against ALFRED PITCHER and -JOHN TOSSER. Ah, they were heroes in those days. I myself was no mean -performer. I tell you, Sir, many's the time I have made double figures -against the underhand bowling of JIMMY TRUNDLER, and he _could_ bowl, -too! before the round-arm style came in. I never took kindly to that, -but these fifty years I have been an ardent looker-on, and I must tell -you, &c. &c.[*] - - JNO. WARDLE. - (_Late Member of All-Muggleton C. C._) - - [Footnote *: "No you mustn't." Caught out by Editor.] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "A FLYING VISIT." - -EMPEROR WILLIAM (_to_ MADAME LA RÉPUBLIQUE _leaving Kiel after very -Kiel after very brief stay_). "MUST YOU _REALLY_ GO? _SO_ SORRY!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "_Perfeck Lidy_" (_who has just been ejected_). "WELL, -_NEXT_ TIME I GOES INTO A PUBLICKOUSE, I'LL GO SOMEWHERE WHERE I'LL BE -_RESPECTED!_"] - - * * * * * - -PROVERBS BY AN ILLUSTRIOUS FOREIGNER ON TOUR. - -The time of special trains was made for slaves, not Asiatic Princes. - -You may take an Eastern Magnate to a manufactory, but you can only -with difficulty get him to lunch with the local Mayor. - -There is many a slip between the Prince and the lift. - -A view of machinery in motion in hand is worth two invitations to -receptions in prospective. - -Cocked-hats of a feather flock together. - -You cannot make pleasure out of the address of a corporation. - -All roads lead to turtle soup. - -It is an ill wind that causes a swell on the Ship Canal. - -People who live in mosques ought not to throw sticks at the Derby. - -A programme kept to time is not worth nine. - -The early mayor has to wait longest. - -Give a Highness a wrong title and report him. - -Enough at a factory is better than a feast in a Town Hall. - -It is a long explanation that has no turning. - -A jerk is as good as a nod to a bowing multitude. - -When a person of the first importance enters by the door all settled -arrangements disappear through the window. - -The Representative of an Illustrious Race laughs at Traffic Managers. - -The English Public enjoys a sensation, but the Indian Empire pays for -it. - -When the Prince is away, to fill up the time the band will play. - -The son proposes but the father disposes. - -The autocrat through the telegraph waits for no one. - -Welcome the coming quiet and speed the exhausted guest. - - * * * * * - -An Opportunity not to be Missed. - -_Tired Reviewer_ (_to Anxious Author_). Ah! old fellow! I'm fagged -out! Come and dine with me to-night? Sorry to give you such short -notice. - -_Anxious Author._ "Short notice!" Oh, please, never do _that_. - - [_Exeunt together_. - - * * * * * - -"A SALE! A SALE!" - -The Price Sale of pictures on Saturday last at Christie's will be ever -memorable as "The Highest Price Sale." "'What's the demd total?' was -the first question _Mr. Mantilini_ asked." To which the present answer -is £87,144. A nice little sum to go on with, or off with. One of the -incidents was most dramatic. GAINSBOROUGH'S "_Lady Musgrave_" was put -up to be purchased. Then stood forward bold WILLIAM AGNEW with -eight thousand guineas in his best gossamer. "The lady is mine!" he -exclaimed, rapturously, and was advancing with arms outstretched to -seize his prize, when suddenly his path was crossed by one CAMPBELL -"of that ilk," who cried aloud, "Here are ten thousand golden -sovereigns _plus_ ten thousand silver shillings, all glittering on a -tray! Advance no further!" And bold WILLIAM advanced no further. -For once he was taken aback. "I didna ken the CAMPBELL was coming!" -muttered WILLIAM A-bashed. And ere he could recover from his surprise, -and while yet his frame was quivering with excitement, his picture, -the Lady that should have been his, was gone. "They have given her -to another!" he sang sadly, but the next moment he pulled himself -together, and "taking heart of Grace" WILLIAM made such running, off -his own bat, as would have astonished even the eminent cricketer -just mentioned. And the last of the "Reynolds' Miscellany" in this -collection succumbed to WILLIAM the Conqueror for 450 guineas. _Sic -transit gloria Saturday!_ - - * * * * * -NEW NAME.--The Imperial Institute henceforward to be known as "The -Somers Vinery." - - * * * * * - -A FINE SUMMER DAY'S OUTING. - -Highly recommended by "The Faculty" (who has tried it more than once). -Given a perfectly calm sea, a delicious light breeze, and anything -else "given" that you can get, including pleasant company, then, -with tears in your patriotic eyes, and a tremolo in your voice, bid -farewell (for a couple of hours or so) to old England, cross the -Channel, invade France _viâ_ Calais, where, however calm the sea has -been, you must be prepared for a "buffet"; but this "buffet" is not at -all rough, just the contrary, and if by chance you should have at -all suffered from any unevenness in the wave line, you are sure, on -arriving at Calais, of a "restauration" which will send you back in -another hour and a half quite the giant refreshed. That same evening -you can pose as a real traveller just returned from "the Continent," -which will serve you excellently both as reason and apology for -not having answered any letters, and neglected epistolary business -generally during the last month. "Been away, my boy!" "Ah, that's why -you didn't answer my letter. Where have you been?" "Oh! France, about -Normandy. Delightful. Ta! Ta!" And perhaps the expenditure of the -day's trip will have saved you from all sorts of trouble, pecuniary -and otherwise, that you might have got into had you remained at home, -answering letters. _But_, as to the benefit of the sea air--there -can't be two opinions about _that_. - - * * * * * - -A DISTINGUISHED COMMONER WHO CANNOT VOTE FOR DOING AWAY WITH -"LORD'S."--DR. GRACE. Public school elevens and M. C. C. all against -such a proposition. - - * * * * * - -BOLD J. H. TAYLOR. - - [J. H. TAYLOR, an Englishman born and bred, has for the second - time won the Open Championship (Golf) at the St. Andrews' - Links.] - - Oh! young J. H. TAYLOR is a fine young fellow, - At whom the Scotsmen may hardly scoff; - For though he's Saxon by birth and breeding, - He is champion now at the Game of Golf! - - On St. Andrews' Links when the rain was pouring, - He smote the ball with a manly blow; - And he distanced St. Andrews' ANDREW--KIRKALDY-- - Though TAYLOR was trained in far Westward Ho! - - And he went the four rounds fair and featly, - In strokes three hundred, and twenty, and two, - Which SANDY HERD, and ANDY KIRKALDY, - And DAVIE ANDERSON, they _could_ not do. - - It may seem sheer cheek for "a gowk of a Saxon" - To take the cake at the Gaelic Game; - But as imitation's the sincerest flattery, - Let 'em take a licking in the light o' the same. - - So here's a health to bold J. H. TAYLOR, - Lord of the Links, at the tee a toff; - Who takes first place for the slighted Southron - At the Ancient and Royal Game of Golf! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: ANOTHER MISUNDERSTANDING. - -_'Arry_ (_on a Northern Tour, with Cockney pronunciation_). "THEN I'LL -'AVE A BOTTLE OF AILE." - -_Hostess of the Village Inn._ "_ILE_, SIR? WE'VE NANE IN THE HOOSE, -BUT CASTOR ILE OR PARAFFINE. WAD ONY O' THEM DAE, SIR?"] - - * * * * * - -"HOUSE OF REST FOR ACTORS." - - Beneath the spreading BEERBOHM TREE - The Resting Actor stands, - And grateful takes the _£ s. d._ - From Active Actors' hands. - No more he'll strut upon the stage - Where he has done his best, - Nothing he'll need, while active men - Are doing _all the rest_. - - * * * * * - -Classical and Cockney. - -_Hal._ It was a Greek play at Bradford College. - -_'Arry_ (_to Tom_). I told you it was a Greek fake. - -_Tom_ (_to 'Arry_). How do _you_ know? - -_'Arry_ (_giving Hal as his authority_). 'Cos it's' _Al-sez-'tis_. - - * * * * * - -The New Women. - - They dress.... like men. - They talk..... like men. - They live..... like men. - They don't.... like men. - - * * * * * - -INTELLIGENCE FROM (AND AT) HAMBURG.--"Mr. G." was unable to go to the -Zoo at feeding-time. He was conspicuous by his absence, as all the -other lions were there. - - * * * * * - -NEW AND APPROPRIATE NAME FOR THE AFTER-DINNER CRUMB-AND-FRAGMENT -BASKET.--"The Morsel-eum." - - * * * * * - -'ARRY ON THE SEASON. - - Dear CHARLIE,--The pypers all tell us the Season is now at its - 'ight; - Don't mean one o' THOMSON'S, my pippin. _That_ josser is now out - of dyte. - When I was a bit of a kiddie, dad 'ad a old brown-covered book - Into wich now and then, on a Sunday, 'e thought it the right thing - to look. - - _Such_ sloppy saloop, my dear CHARLIE, "embellished" with rummy - old cuts, - Drawn stiff and old-fashioned, by STOTHARD. On one on 'em though, - I was nuts, - Musi---- somethink or other I fancy. But as to the cackle, Great - Scott!-- - "The sun rolling bounteous from Aries," and reams o' such molly - slop rot. - - Now if JEMMY 'ad sung of _our_ Season, not Nature's old - merry-go-round, - But London's pertikler, for swells, it 'ud suit me right down to - the ground. - But as JEMMY has shirked it for tosh on "ethereal mildness," and - such, - Wy 'ARRY must 'ave a cut in, and all London is fly to _his_ touch. - - Wot a Summer we're 'aving this Season! All Nature seems trim and - in tune; - Ripe strorberries picked out o' doors, though we've 'ardly yet - dropped into June; - The parks jest like bloomin' peraries, the water supply going queer, - And a general 'urrying up for stror 'ats, lemon squoshes, and beer. - - It seems only yesterday, CHARLIE, the standpipes wos up in our - street, - And "Are _you_ froze off?" wos _the_ question of every poor pal - you might meet. - And now there's a new "water famine" along o' the 'eat, not the - cold, - And ginger-pop's sellin' as fast as it can be unbottled and sold. - - Queen's droring-rooms, troopin' the colours, and trotting young - NASRULLA round, - Is sights your true patriot's nuts on, and I've done _my_ bit, you - be bound. - I chi-iked to young Ingy-rubber, and give him the haffable nod; - And if H. R. H. didn't twig me, and drop me a smile, well, it's odd. - - Hart's 'aving its innings, as usual, and so is old W. G., - Only more so. My eye and a band-box, a rare bit o' stuff _he_ must - be! - As nigh forty-seven as don't matter, as big as a barrel, and yet - A-piling 'is centries like pea-shellin'! Sound Double Gloster, you - bet! - - I sor him at Lord's, mate, last Thursday, five 'ours and a arf in - the sun, - A smiting and running as if, at 'is age, with 'is weight, it was - fun! - _'Ot_, CHARLIE? My collar flopped limp, and I lapped - lemon-squoshes--a number; - And there wos 'e tottling 'is Thousand, as cool as a bloomin' - cowcumber. - - I wouldn't ha' done it for tuppence; no, not with the cheerings - chucked in, - Although the Pervilion fair rose at 'im. 'Ow gents of clarss, and - with tin, - And no _need_ to it, CHARLIE, choose Cricket, at ninety degrees in - the shyde, - When they could lay hidle, fair licks me. But, there, hevery one - to 'is tryde! - - A dust-coat, a white 'at, a field-glass, a landau and lashings o' - fizz, - At Hascot would suit _me_ fur better. The old sport o' kings _is_ - good biz, - With shekels, and luck, like Lord ROSEBERY! Scissors! I _do_ 'ate - a Rad. - But a sportsman, as pulls off two Derbies, wy 'ang it, 'e _carn't_ - be no Cad. - - If Primrose would only turn Primroser, wot a fair topper he'd be! - Wot _can_ be 'is little gyme, CHARLIE, to foller old W. G.? - (I don't mean the cricketer this time.) That Liberal lot ain't no - clarss, - With a lot o' tag-rag they carn't hold, and a lot o' bad Bills - they carn't parss. - - The blot on this Season is Parlyment. Wy don't they 'urry it up, - And scoot to country, the cripples? St. Paul's to my tarrier pup, - They'd git a 'ot 'iding this journey. Let ROSEBERY cut the thing - short, - Chuck 'ARCOURT and pal on with Gentleman JOE, _like_ a gent, and a - Sport! - - Then 'ARRY will talk to 'im, CHARLIE! Ah, well, I ain't got no - more room, - Though I ain't done the Season arf justice. The last pale - laburnum's in bloom, - But it ain't bin washed brimstone with rain-bursts. Our SARAH is - hover from Parry, - Sir ORGUSTUS is fair on the toot, so 'Ooray for the Season! - Yours, 'ARRY. - - * * * * * - -NEW BOOK AND QUERY.--"_Women's Tragedies._ By H. D. LOWRY." Is the -tragic history of _That Lass of Lowrie's_ included? "But that is -another story." - - * * * * * - -NOW WE'RE FURNISHED! - -This is how the Guardians of the Midleton Union (County Cork) transact -business:-- - - "_Mr. Morrison_ (_to the Chairman_). You promised to write - to the Local Government Board, and do it now. (_Noise and - interruptions._) - - "_Mr. Murphy_ (_warmly_). I say the whole thing is all humbug, - and based upon humbug. - - "(_At this stage there was great noise and confusion, several - gentlemen speaking at the same time._) - - "_Chairman_ (_very warmly, and hitting the table_). I say I am - not a humbug, and I was never a humbug, and I hope I'll never - have to be displaced from any public position because I was a - humbug or a proved humbug." - -Why did not the table turn upon the chair, and hit it back? This -would have been a real case of table-turning. To parody EDWARD LEAR'S -delightful _Nonsense Songs_, - - Said the Table to the Chair, - "You can hardly be aware - How it feels when you come down - With your fist upon my crown." - - * * * * * - -"MENUS PLAISIRS."--One of the best _menus_ of the season provided by -the Lyceum House of Entertainment included, or rather did include, -during last week past, such choice dishes, so much to the taste of -everyone, as _The Ris d'Ellen Terry à la Nance Oldfield_ and _Tête -de Mathias à la Henri premier_. Appropriately, of course, did the -orchestra, which plays before each performance, give the old familiar -airs of "_I would I were with Nancy!_" and "_The Bells are ringing -for_"--_Mathias_--not for "_Sara_." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A STRAIGHT REPLY. - -_Daughter of a Hundred Earls_ (_who is about to marry for love_). "NOW -I AM GOING TO HAVE A HOUSE OF MY OWN, MRS. RUSTLE, I SHALL GET YOU TO -GIVE ME A HINT OR TWO." - -_The Maternal Housekeeper._ "WELL, LADY CLARA, I'M AFRAID I CAN'T HELP -YOU MUCH. I KNOW VERY LITTLE ABOUT THE CONTRIVANCES OF PEOPLE WITH -SMALL MEANS."] - - * * * * * - -A MISSED CHANCE. - - [Mr. ANTHONY HOPE'S "reply on behalf of the ladies was witty - and felicitous, and only disappointed" those who had hoped - that at least one "new woman" would have justified the claim - of her sex to equality with the male by replying. "The only - sign of novelty we detected about the ladies present was that - a few condescended to puff cigarettes, to the evident scandal - of some less advanced ladies."--_The "Literary World" upon the - late meeting of the "New Vagabond Club._"] - - Of novelties--and novel ties--in chase, - Advances the New Woman, destined winner - Of true first-fiddledom and pride of place! - Already she's "advanced" to a club dinner - At the New Vagabonds! How Eleusinian - It sounds, how almost desperately daring! - Clubdom was once Man's absolute dominion, - Which now New Womanhood with him seems sharing. - "_She made no speeches_," though;--though FRANKFORT MOORE - Cracked jokes, and HOPE told tales! With mild regret - One hears that, 'midst the after-dinner "roar" - Her share was--proxies and a cigarette! - _Can_ it be her revolt against Man's yoke - Shall end, as here, in silence and in smoke! - - * * * * * - -DAMP ITALIAN DRAMA.--The Evening _Dews, eh?_ - - * * * * * - -NAVAL ARCHITECTURE. - - [A paper on "The Amplitude of Rolling on a Non-synchronous - Wave" was read before the Congress of Naval Architects in - Paris.] - - Last week, the papers tell us, the talented and zealous - Designers who construct our ships their best attention gave - To M. BERTIN'S writing on what sounds to us exciting-- - The amplitude of rolling when non-synchronous the wave. - - How often, crossing over those distressing Straits of Dover, - Where flighty folks grow flabby and where giddy ones grow grave, - We have meditated sadly that we don't encounter gladly - The amplitude of rolling when non-synchronous the wave. - - The amplitude--we'd bear it, and would probably not care, it - Seems but to be an adjunct which perhaps we might not crave. - For that execrable rolling we require much more consoling, - That amplitude of rolling when non-synchronous the wave. - - Yet the rolling might be ended if the waves could be amended - To synchronously swell, all want of symmetry to save, - But we can't be CANUTES, can we? He could no more stop it than we-- - That amplitude of rolling when non-synchronous the wave. - - So Lord DUFFERIN entreated all the experts, round him seated, - To build a ship where passengers could comfortably shave, - Even where a billiard-table would be absolutely stable, - No amplitude of rolling, though non-synchronous the wave. - - Naval Architects, then, hasten to diminish woes which chasten - The happiness of hundreds, be they timorous or brave; - Make a ship, like dry land seeming, where we should not think of dreaming - Of amplitude of rolling, though non-synchronous the wave. - - * * * * * - -WHITEWASHING THE STATUE OF CROMWELL. - -"CROMWELL," wrote the _Daily News_ on ARTHUR BALFOUR'S speech, "was -the only man of his time who understood the principles of religious -freedom." Ahem! - -"Papa," said _Polly Eccles_, referring to certain charges brought -against her revered father, "Papa may have his faults, but he's a -_very_ clever man." So the _D. N._ as to the Protector CROMWELL. -"OLIVER," says the _D. N._ in effect, "being human, may have had his -faults, as had other men of his time, but he thoroughly understood -religious freedom." Did he? In Ireland for example? With him -"religious freedom" was like the verb in grammar, either "expressed" -or "understood." It might have been "understood," but it certainly was -not "expressed" in action. If CROMWELL was such a model of "religious -freedom," then it will be as well to reconsider history under NERO, -DIOCLETIAN, & CO., not to mention the amiable Ninth CHARLES of France, -the genial HARRY THE EIGHTH of England, the gentle PETER, Czar of -all the Russia, and a few other kindly-disposed rulers, who were, -probably, the only men of their time thoroughly understanding the -principles of religious freedom. As the song says, "They wouldn't -ha' 'urt a biby, They were men as you could trust!" And for OLIVER -himself, "He was all right when you knew him, _But_--you had to know -him fust!" Rather; and then you had to accommodate yourself to his -little ways, or else so much the worse for one of the two, and that -one wouldn't have been OLIVER CROMWELL. But, of course, between -principles and practise there is a "Great Divide." - - * * * * * - -THE SHAHZADA, weary of London life and English enjoyment, will at -last exclaim with the canny Scot, "For pleasure gie me Peebles!" (The -original remark was made by the author of _Peebles whom I have met_.) - - * * * * * - -NOTE, SATURDAY, JUNE 15.--Piece running last the week in Theatre Royal -Law Courts--"_Bébé_." For Monday's lunch Sir HENRY HAWKINS ordered a -Capon. - - * * * * * - -ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. - -EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. - -_House of Commons, Monday, June 10._--School reopened after Whitsun -Holidays. Occasion marked by lamentable episode. Attendance, as usual -on Black Monday, very small. SPEAKER took Chair at three o'clock. No -private business on hand; nothing to be done till half-past three. -Meanwhile, SPEAKER and Members sit with hands folded. - -Everyone knows the temptation of such opportunity for a nameless -Personage. TOMMY'S idle hands instinctively clutched after mischief. -Suppose he were to move to have House counted? Evidently not forty -present; nothing very serious would follow. SPEAKER would count. If -not forty on hand, would leave Chair, sit at table, and wait till they -came. Or he would go off, come back any time before four when message -brought in that a quorum was in sight. Still, it would be a lark; -would startle the House, frighten Ministers, possibly postpone -commencement of business by half an hour. - -Cap'en just rising with intent to observe that there are not forty -Members present, when happier thought struck him. Why not get some -landsman to do the trick? The more venerable and venerated the agent -the better. TOMMY knows himself to be a wicked old salt. House not -shocked now at anything he does. Half the fun gone if he played this -prank himself. Shifting his quid and scanning horizon, noted in his -place Sir RICHARD TEMPLE, Bart., G.C.S.I., late Lieutenant-Governor -of Bengal, once Governor of Bombay, sometime Chief Commissioner of -Central Provinces of India. - -The very man for the job. Buttonholing him with his hook, Cap'en TOMMY -opened his little plot. TEMPLE aghast at first. Never known such a -thing done, and the like. TOMMY jawed away, twisting TEMPLE round the -tip of his hook like a marlingspike on a flying jibboom. Convinced him -that public duty called for sacrifice of private prejudices. Having -squared TEMPLE, TOMMY got men near him to walk out before House was -counted, so as to reduce chances of quorum. - -Bell rang; Members rushed in; Ministers huddled on Treasury Bench -like flock of frightened sheep. TOMMY, looking down from shrouds in -Strangers' Gallery, carefully counted. - -"Only thirty two," he said. "Done it!" - -But SPEAKER can count as well. -"One-two--four--fourteen--twenty-seven--thirty-nine, forty," said he, -with tone of conviction that precluded contradiction. - -"Blow me tight!" said TOMMY, coming out of the shrouds, a deathly -pallor shining through his tan. That was not his exact expression; but -it was equivalent to his remark. - -_Business done._--Quite a lot. - -[Illustration: Vantage in (Sir E. Gr-y and Sir E. Ashm-d-B-rtl-tt.)] - -_Tuesday._--EDWARD GREY is a hard nut for Irresponsible Verbosity -to crack. SILOMIO, his jaws aching with attempts at crunching SYDNEY -BUXTON, sometimes turns to him, and goes away sorrowing. TOMMY has a -tuck in at him occasionally, but makes nothing of the job. To night -AMBROSE, Q.C., took him in hand. Drew up stupendous question on -subject of Great Britain's relations with the Porte in respect of -Armenia. - -"That'll fetch him," he said, as he ogled the paper on which the -question was set forth in bold type. Is there a treaty obligation, -he wanted to know, as distinguished from mere discretionary right, -authorising Great Britain to interfere in the affairs of Armenia, or -make war upon the Porte? If so, specify the treaty and the particular -article or articles creating such obligation. - -This a bare summary of question, the drafting of which had cost -AMBROSE, Q.C., some sleepless nights. SILOMIO had looked over it; -TOMMY had touched it up; BARTLEY had beamed over it; HANBURY had -hugged it. GREY'S last hour (of course in Parliamentary sense) had -evidently come. He had wriggled out of some earlier man traps set for -him. This would settle him. - -And this is what GREY said in reply:--"The article of the Treaty -of Berlin relative to the point raised by the hon. member is the -sixty-first." - -Only that, and nothing more. The raven on the pallid bust of PALLAS -was scarcely more disappointingly laconic. There was a shocked pause; -then allied forces swooped down on UNDER SECRETARY, crying, in chorus. -Did the clause mean this? Did it mean that? - -"The hon. member," said GREY, not even smiling, "must place his own -interpretation on the clause." - -Evidently nothing to be done with a person of this temperament. -SILOMIO, with a wild shriek, learned in Swaziland, dashed in with -fresh questions; was neatly tripped up by SPEAKER; lay sprawling on -ground with dishevelled hair. Before he could get up, SNAPE was -asking HOME SECRETARY if the police might not be supplied with lighter -clothing in summer months. - -_Business done._--Crofters Bill read second time. - -[Illustration: Don Currie, Lord High Admiral.] - -_Wednesday. Off Tilbury._--Yes, I'm off Tilbury, and shall be off -to the Baltic at four bells, whatever time that may be. Mr. G. is -responsible for it. Tired of doing nothing; pondering perilously over -growing temptation to run up to town, plunge into Parliamentary work; -address meeting at Blackheath on Armenian question. In nick of time -comes letter from DON CURRIE, proposing a trip to Kiel for opening of -Baltic Canal. - -"The very thing!" said Mr. G., vaulting over the library table at -Hawarden, where he was sitting when letter arrived. "But TOBY, M.P., -must come with us." - -Objections urged in vain. What would Constituents in Berks say, -me running away from work? Who was to write the only authentic -matter-of-fact record of Parliamentary doings for future historians? -Mr. G., with all the impetuosity of youth, would listen to nothing. So -here I am, onboard the R.M.S. _Tantallon Castle_. Here, also, is quite -a quorum of members. Curious to see how they all trooped in just now -when luncheon-bell rang. Said they thought it was a division; being in -saloon, might as well stay. - -That's all very well. By-and-by we'll be on the North Sea, where the -stormy winds do blow, do blow. Shall see _then_ whether we can keep a -House through the dinner hour. - -_Business done._--Anchor weighed. Mr. G. taking the helm till we're -out in the open, when anyone can steer. Looks more than usually -knowing in a sou'wester. Wind N.S.E. Barometer falling. - - * * * * * - -STARTLING NEWS! ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.--GRACE caught!! WRIGHT at -last. - - * * * * * - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. -108, June 22nd, 1895, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - -***** This file should be named 42734-8.txt or 42734-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/7/3/42734/ - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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