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diff --git a/42734-0.txt b/42734-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b76ca9f --- /dev/null +++ b/42734-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1374 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42734 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 108. JUNE 22, 1895. + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +ROUNDABOUT READINGS. + +[Illustration] + +It has been noticed by philosophers that a mere name will often lead +a man to his ruin. Why, for example, was JOHN DARLEY fined twenty +shillings and costs at the Tynemouth Petty Sessions? He met a +boiler-smith, RICHARD ROTHWELL, riding on a bicycle. Thereupon, +without any apparent reason, he used abusive language, bashed the +unoffending boiler-smith on the nose, brandished a knife, and shouted +out, "Come on!--I'm JOHNNY DARLEY, from Byker." There you have it. +Residing, as he did, in a perpetual comparative, he naturally despised +and loathed the positive "byke." Hence his violent assault on its +rider. + + * * * + +I observe, with deep regret, that Professor LLOYD, of Southport, +has been fined for trespassing on a railway bridge at Preston. The +Professor did not want to stay there. All he wished to do, and all +that he actually did, was to dive off into the water below. He is an +aquatic Professor, and informed the Bench that he was obliged to do +these things to keep up his reputation. + + * * * + + I'll tell you a tale of Professor LLOYD, + Who dived off a bridge at Preston-- + An act that the magistrates much annoyed, + Though he kept both his coat and vest on. + They said "You mustn't repeat this joke, + Professor, or else you'll rue it." + But LLOYD, the Professor, he up and spoke, + And said, "I'm obliged to do it. + Up on the bridge I stand for awhile, + I stand till I fairly shiver. + Then down I go--it seems like a mile-- + And I plunge in the bubbling river. + I hope your worships won't "queer my pitch," + For I'm sorry to give you trouble + In maintaining a reputation which + Is so closely combined with bubble." + + * * * + +I wish I had been in Hawick lately. Ever since I first learnt the +rudiments of the English language I have been haunted by a desire to +know how a man looked and acted when he "bussed the Standard." They've +done that at Hawick "in connection," as I read, "with the celebration +of the ancient custom of the Common Riding." Later on "the local +slogan '_Teribus_' was sung with great vigour." There is something +crushing, scattering, and battle-heralding about the mere sound of +that fearful word. + + * * * + +J. B., who describes himself as "A Residenter in Oswald Road," writes +to _The Scotsman_ to complain of the flimsy material used in the +construction of the lamp-posts near his dwelling. The other day a +milk-van ran away--at least, the horse drawing it did. "One would +think," says J. B., "the progress of such a small vehicle would have +been arrested by coming into collision with one lamp-post, but four +posts were destroyed by the van. On examination it is found that the +foundation of a street lamp-post only goes three inches into the +stone below it. With such a short hold the lamp-post is easily toppled +over." Of course it is. To fix lamp-posts so inadequately gives +a direct encouragement to milk-vans to run away and attempt their +destruction. Let the Lord Provost of Edinburgh look to it. + + * * * + +The Master and the Matron of the workhouse at Stratford-on-Avon have +resigned, and the guardians have been "considerably discussing" the +appointment of their successors. Eventually it was resolved, not +only to reduce the salaries, but also--hear this, ye licensed +victuallers!--to cut off the beer-money hitherto paid. What dignity +can possibly attach to a workhouse officer who has to pay for his own +beer? It is by such insidious attacks as this that the foundations of +public confidence are shaken, and the whole fabric of the Constitution +is endangered. My mind misgives me when I attempt to forecast the +future of Stratford. + + * * * + +At Tetbury there is a lodge of the recently-established Conservative +Working Men's Benefit Society. It is called--_absit omen_--the Trouble +House Lodge, and quite recently it held a _fête_ and dinner. 'Tis +always _fête_-day somewhere in the world. Indeed, the amount of +_fêtes_ that take place on any given day in provincial England is +astounding. Without frequent _fêtes_ no district can be considered +respectable. + + * * * + + In the world that we live in our troubles are great; + To add to their number is scarcely the game. + Nay, how can these lodgers delight in their _fête_, + With perpetual trouble attached to their name? + + * * * + +At Owens College, Manchester, so I gather from the letter of "An +Old Student" in _The Manchester Guardian_, some of the students are +beginning to feel, that "while its teaching of specific subjects is +admirable, in fact, unsurpassed, its general education--that education +which consists in the development of men--has not yet reached the same +level." They therefore wish to develop athletics, and by making the +modest subscription of 10_s._ 6_d._ compulsory on all, "to decoy the +unathletic man into taking exercise almost without knowing it." At +present only 150 out of 800 students pay up. I heartily commend this +proposal, though I confess I should like to know what sort of +exercise it is that a man can take almost without knowing it. Let +the unathletic man be decoyed by all means, but let him thoroughly +understand that he is to take exercise, and take it, if possible, with +reasonable violence. + + * * * + +MR. N. F. DRUCE, of Cambridge, is, as I write, at the head of the +batting averages of this year, and next to him comes the marvellous W. +G. + + Ye batsmen attend, of my hints make a use, + And consider the greatness of GRACE and of DRUCE. + If you wish to make hundreds your names, you'll agree + Must be monosyllabic and end with c, e. + + * * * * * + +ASCOT. + +_To Monsieur Punch._ + +_Cher Monsieur_,--Last year I am gone to your races of Ascot. It is +beautiful, it is ravishing, but how it is dear! Thousand thunders, +how it is dear! I go to the _Grand Prix_, I pay twenty francs, that is +also dear, but it is all, it is finished. Eh well, I desire to see one +time your Gold Cup, and I go of good hour by railway. Arrived there I +pay one pound, that what you call one sov., and I enter. I suppose I +can go by all--_partout_, how say you? Ah, but no! I see by all some +_affiches_ "One Pound." + +I can to write your language enough well, but I speak with much of +difficulty. Therefore I read the affixes without nothing to ask. +Thus when I read "One Pound" I go no more far. I walk myself in +the charming garden and I see the beautiful misses. Ah how they are +adorable! DAUDET has wrong, DAUDET is imbecile, they are adorable. It +is not the pain to pay again some pounds for to see to run the horses, +when I can to see the misses who walk themselves here, without to pay +of more. + +But in fine I am fatigued. Also I have great hunger, for it is the +hour of the _déjeuner_. But without doubt one is obliged to pay one +pound before to enter the bar. My word, I will not! I shall not pay +one sov., and more, for a squashed lemon and a bun of Bath. I go to +smoke at place of that, and I walk myself at the shade all near of an +arch. + +All of a blow all the world lifts himself and comes very quick towards +me. I cannot escape, I am carried away by the crowd, I arrive to the +arch. I think "_Du courage, AUGUSTE mon cher! Sois calme! S'il y +a encore une livre à payer----_" But there is no sov., and I pass. +Thousand thunders! What is, then, this noise? Is he a revolution, a +riot of Anarchists? Ah, no! It are the bookmakers. The bookmakers +in the midst of the ladies! Hold, it is droll! And I pay one sov. to +stand with those men there! It is too strong! I go more far, I pass +the barrier, I am alone on the grass. I go to left. I see some men, in +a cage of iron, who cry also. It is--how say you?--"Tatersal." Then, +ah heaven, I arrive at the true _Pesage!_ Not of burgesses, not of +villain beasts of bookmakers, not even of "Tatersals." But _partout_ +the ladies the most beautiful, the most charming, the most adorable! +It is there I go! Even if I pay one sov., two sovs., three sovs., I +go! + +I essay to enter. The policeman stops me. I say, "One pound?" and I +offer to him one sov. He looks all around, and then he says, quite +low, "No good, Sir--the inspector's looking." I say, "She is good, +that pound there, I assure you of it. Is there two to pay?" And I hold +one other. Then the inspector comes and says I bribe the policeman. I +say that no. He says that yes. I am furious. I say I pay the entrance. +He says, "Get off the course." I refuse. He pushes me. I resist. Other +policemen push me. Just heaven, they force me to go! I cannot resist. +Then all the people in face cry furiously. They shout "Welshman!" How +they are stupid! Can they think that I am a Welshman--me, AUGUSTE? Ah, +that it is droll! Then the policemen run, and I run also. I wish not +to run, but I am forced. And, in fine, we are at the railway station, +and they put me in a train, and I arrive to London at three o'clock. +See there all that I have seen of your races of Ascot, and I have paid +one sov. It costs very dear. + + Sincere friendships, AUGUSTE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HONEY, MY HONEY!" + +_Chinaman._ "MUCH OBLIGED TO YOU FOR THIS LITTLE ADVANCE; BUT I'M +AFRAID I SHALL WANT SOME MORE SOON." + +_Bear_ (_aside_). "SO SHALL I! A GOOD DEAL MORE--FROM _YOU_." + + [_Hums "Oh, honey, MY honey!"_ +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE. + +_Auntie._ "ARCHIE, RUN UP TO THE HOUSE, AND FETCH MY RACKET. THERE'S A +DEAR!" + +_Archie_ (_preparing to depart_). "ALL RIGHT. BUT I SAY, AUNTIE, DON'T +LET ANYBODY TAKE MY SEAT, WILL YOU?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +THE MAN AND THE MAID. + +(_Up-to-date "Biking" Version._) + + "Where are you going, young Man?" cried the Maid. + "I'm going a cycling, Miss!" he said. + "May I come with you, young Man?" asked the Maid. + "Why. ye-e-es, if you feel like it, Miss!" he said. + "But--why do I find you like Man arrayed?" + "Oh, knickers are cumfy, young Man!" she said. + "But the boys will chevvy you, Miss, I'm afraid!" + "What does _that_ matter, young Man?" she said. + "Are you a Scorcher, young Man?" asked the Maid. + "Nothing so vulgar, fair Miss!" he said. + "Then I don't think much of you!" mocked the Maid. + "Neither does 'ARRY, sweet Miss!" he said. + "What is your ideal, young Man?" said the Maid. + "A womanly Woman, fair Miss" he said. + "Then _I_ can't marry you, Sir!" cried the Maid. + "Thank heaven for _that_, manly Miss!" he said. + + * * * * * + +A RULE OF CONDUCT. + +You _say_ to a man what you _couldn't_ write to him; and you _write_ +to a man what you _wouldn't_ say to him.--JAMES THE TRAN-QUILL PENMAN, +J.P. + + * * * * * + +SCRAPS FROM CHAPS. + +A famous old mill has been burned to the ground. None other than that +situate upon the river Dee, where a certain jolly miller sang songs +and earned the envy of "bluff King HAL" in days of old, wearing the +white flour of a blameless life. He also wore a white hat, for the +purpose, it is said, of keeping his head warm. The modern miller wears +one in summer to keep his head cool. No doubt he found it useful at +the fire. Great thing to keep a cool head on such occasions. The +mill has now been destroyed by fire four times. There was an ancient +prophecy, according to a local paper, that it was doomed to be burned +down three times. This Delphic oracle would, of course, have inspired +the simple gentlemen of old Greece to give up insuring after the third +fire. Probably the modern "miller of the Dee" has committed a paradox, +and profited by a lofty disregard for his prophet. + + * * * + +All Saints Church, Old Swan, is the first Liverpool church which has +adopted the innovation of lady choristers wearing the new surplices +and caps, which have been specially designed for their use. The +surplices are quite unlike those used by the clergy; they are more +like dolmans. The caps are of the shape worn by a D.C.L., and are made +of violet velvet. One of the most cogent reasons for their adoption +is expressed by the Rev. Canon WILKINSON, who, as appears from the +_Sheffield and Rotherham Independent_, writes thus:--"Since these +garments have been introduced, the offertories in the church have been +increased by at least one-third." + + * * * * * + +INTERNATIONAL DISCOURTESY.--The French law, it seems, requires the +owner of a yacht, in which he is himself sailing, to supply stores of +victual and drink for his crew. A French yacht put in at Dartmouth, +says the _Field_, and the Dartmouth Custom-house officials darted +down on her, and made the owner pay for what he used of his own. "They +manage these things better in France." This would have been indeed, "a +This would have been indeed, "a 'Custom' more honoured in the breach +than in the observance." + + * * * * * + +RUS IN URBE + +A SKETCH IN REGENT'S PARK. + + SCENE--_A railed-in corner of the Park._ TIME--_about_ 7 P.M. + _Inside the inclosure three shepherds are engaged in shearing + the park sheep. The first shepherd has just thrown his patient + on its back, gripped its shoulders between his knees, and + tucked its head, as a tiresome and obstructive excrescence, + neatly away under one of his arms, while he reaches for the + shears. The second is straddled across his animal, which is + lying with its hind legs hobbled on a low stage under an elm, + in a state of stoical resignation, as its fleece is deftly + snipped from under its chin. The third operator has almost + finished his sheep, which, as its dark gray fleece slips away + from its pink-and-white neck and shoulders, suggests a rather_ + décolletée _dowager in the act of removing her theatre-cloak + in the stalls. Sheep, already shorn, lie and pant in shamed + and shivering bewilderment, one or two nibble the blades of + grass, as if to assure themselves that that resource is still + open to them. Sheep whose turn is still to come are penned up + at the back, and look on, scandalised, but with an air which + seems to express that their own superior respectability is a + sufficient protection against similar outrage. The shearers + appear to take a humorous view of their task, and are watched + by a crowd which has collected round the railings, with an + agreeable assurance that they are not expected to contribute + towards the entertainment._ + +_First Work-Girl_ (_edging up_). Whatever's goin' on inside 'ere? +(_After looking--disappointed._) Why, they aint on'y a lot o' sheep! I +thought it was Reciters, or somethink o' that. + +[Illustration: "They ain't on'y a lot o' sheep! I thought it was +Reciters, or somethink o' that."] + +_Second Work-Girl_ (_with irony_). They _look_ like Reciters, +don't they! It do seem a shime cuttin' them poor things as close as +convicks, that it do! + +_First W. G._ They don't mind it partickler; you'd 'ear 'em 'oller +fast enough if they did. + +_Second W. G._ I expeck they feel so ridic'lus, they 'aven't the 'art +to 'oller. + +_Lucilla_ (_to_ GEORGE). Do look at that one going up and sniffing at +the bundles of fleeces, trying to find out which is his. _Isn't_ it +pathetic? + +_George._ H'm--puts one in mind of a shy man in a cloak-room after a +party, saying feebly, "I rather think that's _my_ coat, and there's a +crush-hat of mine _somewhere_ about," eh? + +_Lucilla_ (_who is always wishing that_ GEORGE _would talk more +sensibly_). Considering that sheep don't _wear_ crush-hats, I hardly +see how---- + +_George._ My dear, I bow to your superior knowledge of natural +history. Now you mention it, I believe it _is_ unusual. But I merely +meant to suggest a general resemblance. + +_Lucilla_ (_reprovingly_). I know. And you've got into such a silly +habit of seeing resemblances in things that are perfectly different. +I'm sure I'm _always_ telling you of it. + +_George._ You are, my dear. But I'm not nearly so bad as I _was_. +Think of all the things I used to compare _you_ to before we were +married! + +_Sarah Jane_ (_to her_ Trooper). I could stand an' look on at 'em +hours, I could. I was born and bred in the country, and it do seem to +bring back my old 'ome that plain. + +_Her Trooper._ I'm country bred, too, though yer mightn't think it. +But there ain't much in sheep shearin' to _my_ mind. If it was _pig +killin'_, now! + +_Sarah Jane._ Ah, that's along o' your bein' in the milingtary, I +expect. + +_Her Trooper._ No, it ain't that. It's the reckerlections it 'ud +call up. I 'ad a 'ole uncle a pork-butcher, d'ye see, and (_with +sentiment_) many and many a 'appy hour I've spent as a boy---- + + [_He indulges in tender reminiscences._ + +_A Young Clerk_ (_who belongs to a Literary Society, to his_ Fiancée). +It has a wonderfully rural look--quite like a scene in 'Ardy, isn't +it? + +_His Fiancée_ (_who has "no time for reading rubbish"_). I daresay; +though I've never been there myself. + +_The Clerk._ Never been? Oh, I see. You thought I said _Arden_--the +Forest of Arden, in SHAKSPEARE, didn't you? + +_His Fiancée._ Isn't that where Mr. GLADSTONE lives, and goes cutting +down the trees in? + +_The Clerk._ No; at least it's spelt different. But it was 'ARDY _I_ +meant. _Far from the Madding Crowd_, you know. + +_His Fiancée_ (_with a vague view to the next Bank Holiday_). What do +you _call_ "far"--farther than _Margate_? + + [_Her companion has a sense of discouragement._ + +_An Artisan_ (_to a neighbour in broadcloth and a whitechoker_). It's +wonderful 'ow they can go so close without 'urtin' of 'em, ain't it? + +_His Neighbour_ (_with unction_). Ah, my friend, it on'y shows 'ow +true it is that 'eving tempers the shears for the shorn lambs! + +_A Governess_ (_instinctively, to her charge_). Don't you think you +ought to be very grateful to that poor sheep, ETHEL, for giving up her +nice warm fleece on purpose to make a frock for _you?_ + +_Ethel_ (_doubtfully_). Y--yes, Miss MAVOR. But (_with a fear that +some reciprocity may be expected of her_) she's too big for any of my +_best_ frocks, _isn't_ she? + +_First Urchin_ (_perched on the railings_). Ain't that 'un a-kickin'? +'E don't like 'aving '_is_ 'air cut, 'e don't, no more shouldn't I if +it was me.... 'E's bin an' upset 'is bloke on the grorss, now! Look at +the bloke layin' there larfin'.... 'E's ketched 'im agin now. See 'im +landin' 'im a smack on the 'ed; that'll learn 'im to stay quiet, eh? +'E's strong, ain't 'e? + +_Second Urchin._ Rams is the wust, though, 'cause they got 'orns, rams +'ave. + +_First Urch._ What, same as goats? + +_Second Urch._ (_emphatically_). Yuss! Big crooked 'uns. And runs at +yer, they do. + +_First Urch._ I wish they was rams in 'ere. See all them sheep waitin' +to be done. I wonder what they're finkin' of. + +_Second Urch._ Ga-arn! They _don't_ fink, sheep don't. + +_First Urch._ Not o' anyfink? + +_Second Urch._ Na-ow! They aint got nuffink to fink _about_, sheep +ain't. + +_First Urch._ I lay they _do_ fink, orf an' on. + +_Second Urch._ Well, I lay _you_ never see 'em doin' of it! + + [_And so on. The first Shepherd disrobes his sheep, and + dismisses it with a disrespectful spank. After which he + proceeds to refresh himself from a brown jar, and hands it to + his comrades. The spectators look on with deeper interest, and + discuss the chances of the liquid being beer, cider, or cold + tea, as the scene closes._ + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +[Illustration: Patti commence la Patti-série.] + +_Tuesday._--Grand night. Memorable for _rentrée_ of ADELINA PATTI. She +has been absent from C. G. Opera many years. Welcome little stranger! +Absence makes hearts fonder, and so Big Heart of Big House, crowded +right up to tipmost topmost, goes out to ADELINA PATTI reappearing +as radiant _Violetta_, the Consumptive Cocotte and heroine of _La +Traviata_. Quite in best Tra-la-la-viata form is our PATTI to-night. +The knowing ones observe high keys politely transposed to suit +ADELINA. But what manager could refuse to _put down the notes_ when +ADELINA agrees to sing? All come in early. Upper parts of House at +Lowest prices either breakfasted or lunched on doorstep, waiting for +Warbler to commence. Warbler begins 8.30 sharp. "8.30 sharp" maybe, +but Warbler neither sharp nor flat; in perfect tune. DE LUCIA first +rate as poor, spoony little _Alfredo_; and ANCONA admirable as Old +Original G. G., _i.e._, _Georgy Germont_. "_Pura siccome_," and +"_Parigi o cara_," old friends all, come out as fresh as ever, or +fresher. Get story rather mixed up with that of _Manon_, which in some +respects it resembles: _Violetta_ evidently _Manon's_ niece, or first +cousin. Touchingly sympathetic acting on part of Mlle. BAUERMEISTER as +the nurse (draught, &c., every hour, prescriptions carefully made up) +attending on the suffering soprano. _Annina_ deeply touched by +sad meeting between _Alfred_, "such a Daisy,"--or, such a +"Lack-a-Daisy,"--and his sweet _Violet_. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +"Who won the battle of Tel-el-Kebir?" "I, said Cock HAMLEY, I won +Tel-el-Kebir with my Highland Brigade." Mr. INNES SHAND'S life of +General Sir E. B. HAMLEY (BLACKWOOD) is obviously published with chief +intent of placing in permanent form HAMLEY'S claim in respect of this +engagement. It is not a new story. It was published to the world soon +after the event in the pages of a monthly magazine. The article, a +model of terse, lucid, yet picturesque writing, is reproduced in these +volumes. Whether accurate in detailed assertion and induction, or +coloured by strong feeling, it is a melancholy story. Either HAMLEY +was deliberately ignored in the Commander-in-Chief's despatches after +Tel-el-Kebir, or he was under a remarkable hallucination. The affair +is all the more curious since Sir GARNET WOLSELEY, as soon as he was +appointed to the Egyptian command, sought out HAMLEY and offered him +the command of one of the divisions of the expeditionary force. +The secret of the estrangement which soon developed between the two +soldiers is, my Baronite suspects, to be found in the characteristic +fact that the very day the ship conveying Sir GARNET WOLSELEY arrived +at Alexandria, HAMLEY went on board and proposed to show his chief how +the enemy should be attacked. "He did not seem to wish to pursue the +subject," HAMLEY writes in his diary, "and I soon after took leave." +Other incidents, which HAMLEY hotly resented, culminated in the +despatch to the War Office reporting the fight at Tel-el-Kebir, and +ignoring the Highland Brigade, which, in the view of its commander, +had borne the brunt of the battle. Some day Lord WOLSELEY may give +his version of the affair. Meantime it gloomily stands forth in this +record of a strenuous but, on the whole, a disappointed life. It is +pleasant to learn that HAMLEY gratefully recognised in one of _Mr. +Punch's_ Cartoons a powerful incentive to the course of public feeling +which postponed his being shelved under the operation of the scheme of +compulsory retirement by reason of age. The most charming passages +in the book are the correspondence with the late Mr. BLACKWOOD, who +opened to General HAMLEY the avenue to literary fame. + +One of my Baronites of Irish extraction writes thusly:--"_A Tale of +the Thames_ is the title of the Summer Number of _The Graphic_. It is +written by J. ASHBY-STERRY, and illustrated by WILLIAM HATHERELL. The +course of the story--or, rather, the watercourse of the story--covers +a good deal of ground, embracing as it does, on both sides, +most places of interest between the Source in Trewsbury Mead, +Gloucestershire, and Hampton Court." Quoth the Baron, "I am all +anxiety to see this tale of the Thames uncoil itself." + +The Baron welcomes a comparatively "handy" volume ("handy" relative +term, depending on size of hand) of reference, entitled, _Men and +Women of the Time_, new edition, brought out by Messrs. GEORGE +ROUTLEDGE, edited by Mr. PLARR of Oxford; and the _plat_ that is set +before the public and the Baron appears to be a thoroughly satisfying +one. "The first name for which I naturally looked," quoth the Baron, +"was that of ROUTLEDGE himself, but searching from ROSSI, through +Roumania, to ROWBOTHAM, nowhere did I light upon the name of +ROUTLEDGE. Master MILLAIS is here, also MILLER, likewise MILLS; but I +do not see the name of the author of the _'Arry Papers_, the inventor +of 'ARRY in these columns, of immortal fame. "Name him!" In every +other respect the compilers and publishers are to be congratulated, +and do hereby stand congratulated, on their work by the +ever-appreciative + + BARON DE B.-W. + + * * * * * + +THE TWO GRACES. + + ["There was something pathetic in seeing old W. G. and young + W. G. at the wicket together. It is not often we see father + and son together at the wicket in first-class cricket."--The + _Star_ on the M. C. C. _v._ Kent match at Lords.] + +[Illustration: Tom Bowling.] + +AIR--"_The Two Obadiahs._" + + Says the old W. G. to the young W. G., + "Pat your wicket, dear son WILLIAM, pat your wicket! + In the pitch there are bad patches, that may lead to bowls or catches; + And you're now in first-class cricket, first-class cricket. + I've already topped my fame; _you_ have got to make your name. + I should like to see us both make a 'century' this time!" + Says the young W. G. to the old W. G., + "'Twould be prime, Father WILLIAM, _'twould_ be prime!" + + Says the young W. G. to the old W. G., + "How I wish that I could time and place like you! + I should like to hear them clap me, but my gig-lamps handicap me; + Still I'll do my little best to pile a few." + Says the old W. G., "Run for all you're worth, like me! + You must always 'play the game.' You must ever 'look alive.'" + Groans the young W. G. to the old W. G., + "Caught--for Five! Father WILLIAM, only Five!" + + Says the old W. G. to the young W. G., + "Bother HEARNE, dear son WILLIAM, JONES and HEARNE! + But don't _you_ get in a pucker! Caught and bowled for Fives's a mucker, + But be patient, and you're sure to get your turn. + _I_ am going to have a shy for another Cen-tu-ry. + You must help me by-and-by to keep up the family name!" + Says the young W. G. to the old W. G., + "Right you are, dad! Wish you luck, and a good game!" + + * * * * * + +"THREE WHICH'S?"--Will SARA B., ELEANORA DUSE, and Miss ADA REHAN be +playing individually and separately at different theatres all at the +same time? Were this concatenation to occur, the playgoer, at the +height of the season, would be as puzzled as was the "anxious cit," +who "each invitation views, And ponders which to take and which +refuse." The "stayer" will win. Fly away, SARA, fly away, NORA--and so +from three take two, and only ADA REHAN remains, which is a simple +sum in subtraction, though Miss REHAN herself is always a most +welcome Ada-ition to the English-as-she-is-spoken Drama in London. The +Augustinians of Trafalgar Square return to their Daly avocations on +the 25th. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNDESIGNED COINCIDENCE. + +_Curate_ (_to Parish Choir, practising the Anthem_). "NOW WE'LL BEGIN +AGAIN AT THE 'HALLELUJAH,' AND PLEASE LINGER LONGER ON THE '_LU_'!"] + + * * * * * + +THE GRACEFUL TRIBUTE. + +SIR,--Being "stumped," alas I can only send Dr. GRACE my best wishes, +and a round 0, which is good for naught. + + Yours, + RUN OUT. + +SIR,--To encourage "Our Boys" in the National Game, I am heartily glad +to see the daily (_Telegraph_) increasing list of subscribers to _the_ +testimonial. Had poor H. J. BYRON been alive--the mention of "Our +Boys" of course recalls him to our minds--he would no doubt have sent +a coin, and further subscribed himself + + PERKYN MIDDLEWICK-ET. + +SIR,--The present enthusiasm for cricket and its distinguished +Professor will spread to France. There _le cricquet_ has already been +introduced, and, when no misadventure occurs, the batsman, returning +triumphant and grateful, records his "_actions de Grace_." + + Yours, + HOMME D'UNE CHAUVE-SOURIS. + + P.S.--_Je fais le cricquet, autrement je m'enGRAISSE._ (See?) + +SIR,--I miss one important name from the _Telegraph_ list of +subscriptions to Grace Testimonial. What is GRACE the Batsman without +T. G. BOWLES? + + Yours, + BATTER PUDDING, M.P. + +SIR,--Here's something original. Lay out some of the coin subscribed +in purchasing for Dr. W. G., the champion "Willow-wielder," a set of +"Willow-pattern plates." + + OLD CHINA. + + P.S.--I happen to have by me a rare, almost invaluable set, + which I can dispose of at a certain figure. + +SIR,--Dr. GRACE is now getting on for fifty. In another four years he +will complete his half century. _Therefore_ he is no chicken. _Ergo_, +he may one day have a duck's egg. I withhold my subscription, to +accumulate with interest, till _that_ occurs. + + AN ARDENT ADMIRER. + +[Illustration: A Wicket Girl.] + +SIR,--Ah me! and well-a-day! it is the grand sorrow of my life! I +cannot subscribe to this fund for Dr. GRACE. I dare not, except you +allow me to send it confidentially through you, Sir, ever the Ladies' +friend. Ah Sir! long ago my heart "went out"--to whom? no matter. +It was a cricketer. I never told my love! I long-stopped! But never, +never, shall I forget that memorable day when _he_ was there, and when +someone, Dr. G. will remember who it was, _bowled a maiden over!_ I am +not a heroine, but I may sign this (as I address it fervently to) + + "GRACE DARLING!" + _The Lighthouse, A Little off--the Coast._ + +SIR,--I belong to an "Impi" tribe--with "cunious" added. Otherwise +would I contribute what I did to the first cricket-match I ever +played, when, as the ball was thrown at me, to save my head _I gave +a bob_. I cannot even do that now. But as a lover of the game I +hope that there are many youthful Britons eager to follow "_Exemplum +Gratiæ_." + + Yours, + STUMP ORATOR. + +DEAR SIR,--I think you are quite right to encourage cricket, as it is +a noble game. The Duke of WELLINGTON ones said that Trafalgar was won +on the Eton Playing-fields. I don't think he was quite right there, as +I have always been told that the battle was fought abroad. I am last +in my class, but I'm in the second Eleven. I'm often "not out," and +to-day I've had to "stay in" all the time during the match, because I +had a saying-lesson to write out and translate. The other day I made +27, including three fourers, against the United Thingummies. + + I remain, yours enthusiastically, + TOMMY. + _The Only College._ + + P.S.--I will send my shilling as soon as I can get it from + BATLEY _mi._ He owes it me for birds' eggs. + +SIR,--I am only too happy to contribute my mite, for though it's +some while--alas! how time flies--since I handled the willow, I well +remember playing in the early forties against ALFRED PITCHER and +JOHN TOSSER. Ah, they were heroes in those days. I myself was no mean +performer. I tell you, Sir, many's the time I have made double figures +against the underhand bowling of JIMMY TRUNDLER, and he _could_ bowl, +too! before the round-arm style came in. I never took kindly to that, +but these fifty years I have been an ardent looker-on, and I must tell +you, &c. &c.[*] + + JNO. WARDLE. + (_Late Member of All-Muggleton C. C._) + + [Footnote *: "No you mustn't." Caught out by Editor.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A FLYING VISIT." + +EMPEROR WILLIAM (_to_ MADAME LA RÉPUBLIQUE _leaving Kiel after very +Kiel after very brief stay_). "MUST YOU _REALLY_ GO? _SO_ SORRY!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "_Perfeck Lidy_" (_who has just been ejected_). "WELL, +_NEXT_ TIME I GOES INTO A PUBLICKOUSE, I'LL GO SOMEWHERE WHERE I'LL BE +_RESPECTED!_"] + + * * * * * + +PROVERBS BY AN ILLUSTRIOUS FOREIGNER ON TOUR. + +The time of special trains was made for slaves, not Asiatic Princes. + +You may take an Eastern Magnate to a manufactory, but you can only +with difficulty get him to lunch with the local Mayor. + +There is many a slip between the Prince and the lift. + +A view of machinery in motion in hand is worth two invitations to +receptions in prospective. + +Cocked-hats of a feather flock together. + +You cannot make pleasure out of the address of a corporation. + +All roads lead to turtle soup. + +It is an ill wind that causes a swell on the Ship Canal. + +People who live in mosques ought not to throw sticks at the Derby. + +A programme kept to time is not worth nine. + +The early mayor has to wait longest. + +Give a Highness a wrong title and report him. + +Enough at a factory is better than a feast in a Town Hall. + +It is a long explanation that has no turning. + +A jerk is as good as a nod to a bowing multitude. + +When a person of the first importance enters by the door all settled +arrangements disappear through the window. + +The Representative of an Illustrious Race laughs at Traffic Managers. + +The English Public enjoys a sensation, but the Indian Empire pays for +it. + +When the Prince is away, to fill up the time the band will play. + +The son proposes but the father disposes. + +The autocrat through the telegraph waits for no one. + +Welcome the coming quiet and speed the exhausted guest. + + * * * * * + +An Opportunity not to be Missed. + +_Tired Reviewer_ (_to Anxious Author_). Ah! old fellow! I'm fagged +out! Come and dine with me to-night? Sorry to give you such short +notice. + +_Anxious Author._ "Short notice!" Oh, please, never do _that_. + + [_Exeunt together_. + + * * * * * + +"A SALE! A SALE!" + +The Price Sale of pictures on Saturday last at Christie's will be ever +memorable as "The Highest Price Sale." "'What's the demd total?' was +the first question _Mr. Mantilini_ asked." To which the present answer +is £87,144. A nice little sum to go on with, or off with. One of the +incidents was most dramatic. GAINSBOROUGH'S "_Lady Musgrave_" was put +up to be purchased. Then stood forward bold WILLIAM AGNEW with +eight thousand guineas in his best gossamer. "The lady is mine!" he +exclaimed, rapturously, and was advancing with arms outstretched to +seize his prize, when suddenly his path was crossed by one CAMPBELL +"of that ilk," who cried aloud, "Here are ten thousand golden +sovereigns _plus_ ten thousand silver shillings, all glittering on a +tray! Advance no further!" And bold WILLIAM advanced no further. +For once he was taken aback. "I didna ken the CAMPBELL was coming!" +muttered WILLIAM A-bashed. And ere he could recover from his surprise, +and while yet his frame was quivering with excitement, his picture, +the Lady that should have been his, was gone. "They have given her +to another!" he sang sadly, but the next moment he pulled himself +together, and "taking heart of Grace" WILLIAM made such running, off +his own bat, as would have astonished even the eminent cricketer +just mentioned. And the last of the "Reynolds' Miscellany" in this +collection succumbed to WILLIAM the Conqueror for 450 guineas. _Sic +transit gloria Saturday!_ + + * * * * * +NEW NAME.--The Imperial Institute henceforward to be known as "The +Somers Vinery." + + * * * * * + +A FINE SUMMER DAY'S OUTING. + +Highly recommended by "The Faculty" (who has tried it more than once). +Given a perfectly calm sea, a delicious light breeze, and anything +else "given" that you can get, including pleasant company, then, +with tears in your patriotic eyes, and a tremolo in your voice, bid +farewell (for a couple of hours or so) to old England, cross the +Channel, invade France _viâ_ Calais, where, however calm the sea has +been, you must be prepared for a "buffet"; but this "buffet" is not at +all rough, just the contrary, and if by chance you should have at +all suffered from any unevenness in the wave line, you are sure, on +arriving at Calais, of a "restauration" which will send you back in +another hour and a half quite the giant refreshed. That same evening +you can pose as a real traveller just returned from "the Continent," +which will serve you excellently both as reason and apology for +not having answered any letters, and neglected epistolary business +generally during the last month. "Been away, my boy!" "Ah, that's why +you didn't answer my letter. Where have you been?" "Oh! France, about +Normandy. Delightful. Ta! Ta!" And perhaps the expenditure of the +day's trip will have saved you from all sorts of trouble, pecuniary +and otherwise, that you might have got into had you remained at home, +answering letters. _But_, as to the benefit of the sea air--there +can't be two opinions about _that_. + + * * * * * + +A DISTINGUISHED COMMONER WHO CANNOT VOTE FOR DOING AWAY WITH +"LORD'S."--DR. GRACE. Public school elevens and M. C. C. all against +such a proposition. + + * * * * * + +BOLD J. H. TAYLOR. + + [J. H. TAYLOR, an Englishman born and bred, has for the second + time won the Open Championship (Golf) at the St. Andrews' + Links.] + + Oh! young J. H. TAYLOR is a fine young fellow, + At whom the Scotsmen may hardly scoff; + For though he's Saxon by birth and breeding, + He is champion now at the Game of Golf! + + On St. Andrews' Links when the rain was pouring, + He smote the ball with a manly blow; + And he distanced St. Andrews' ANDREW--KIRKALDY-- + Though TAYLOR was trained in far Westward Ho! + + And he went the four rounds fair and featly, + In strokes three hundred, and twenty, and two, + Which SANDY HERD, and ANDY KIRKALDY, + And DAVIE ANDERSON, they _could_ not do. + + It may seem sheer cheek for "a gowk of a Saxon" + To take the cake at the Gaelic Game; + But as imitation's the sincerest flattery, + Let 'em take a licking in the light o' the same. + + So here's a health to bold J. H. TAYLOR, + Lord of the Links, at the tee a toff; + Who takes first place for the slighted Southron + At the Ancient and Royal Game of Golf! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANOTHER MISUNDERSTANDING. + +_'Arry_ (_on a Northern Tour, with Cockney pronunciation_). "THEN I'LL +'AVE A BOTTLE OF AILE." + +_Hostess of the Village Inn._ "_ILE_, SIR? WE'VE NANE IN THE HOOSE, +BUT CASTOR ILE OR PARAFFINE. WAD ONY O' THEM DAE, SIR?"] + + * * * * * + +"HOUSE OF REST FOR ACTORS." + + Beneath the spreading BEERBOHM TREE + The Resting Actor stands, + And grateful takes the _£ s. d._ + From Active Actors' hands. + No more he'll strut upon the stage + Where he has done his best, + Nothing he'll need, while active men + Are doing _all the rest_. + + * * * * * + +Classical and Cockney. + +_Hal._ It was a Greek play at Bradford College. + +_'Arry_ (_to Tom_). I told you it was a Greek fake. + +_Tom_ (_to 'Arry_). How do _you_ know? + +_'Arry_ (_giving Hal as his authority_). 'Cos it's' _Al-sez-'tis_. + + * * * * * + +The New Women. + + They dress.... like men. + They talk..... like men. + They live..... like men. + They don't.... like men. + + * * * * * + +INTELLIGENCE FROM (AND AT) HAMBURG.--"Mr. G." was unable to go to the +Zoo at feeding-time. He was conspicuous by his absence, as all the +other lions were there. + + * * * * * + +NEW AND APPROPRIATE NAME FOR THE AFTER-DINNER CRUMB-AND-FRAGMENT +BASKET.--"The Morsel-eum." + + * * * * * + +'ARRY ON THE SEASON. + + Dear CHARLIE,--The pypers all tell us the Season is now at its + 'ight; + Don't mean one o' THOMSON'S, my pippin. _That_ josser is now out + of dyte. + When I was a bit of a kiddie, dad 'ad a old brown-covered book + Into wich now and then, on a Sunday, 'e thought it the right thing + to look. + + _Such_ sloppy saloop, my dear CHARLIE, "embellished" with rummy + old cuts, + Drawn stiff and old-fashioned, by STOTHARD. On one on 'em though, + I was nuts, + Musi---- somethink or other I fancy. But as to the cackle, Great + Scott!-- + "The sun rolling bounteous from Aries," and reams o' such molly + slop rot. + + Now if JEMMY 'ad sung of _our_ Season, not Nature's old + merry-go-round, + But London's pertikler, for swells, it 'ud suit me right down to + the ground. + But as JEMMY has shirked it for tosh on "ethereal mildness," and + such, + Wy 'ARRY must 'ave a cut in, and all London is fly to _his_ touch. + + Wot a Summer we're 'aving this Season! All Nature seems trim and + in tune; + Ripe strorberries picked out o' doors, though we've 'ardly yet + dropped into June; + The parks jest like bloomin' peraries, the water supply going queer, + And a general 'urrying up for stror 'ats, lemon squoshes, and beer. + + It seems only yesterday, CHARLIE, the standpipes wos up in our + street, + And "Are _you_ froze off?" wos _the_ question of every poor pal + you might meet. + And now there's a new "water famine" along o' the 'eat, not the + cold, + And ginger-pop's sellin' as fast as it can be unbottled and sold. + + Queen's droring-rooms, troopin' the colours, and trotting young + NASRULLA round, + Is sights your true patriot's nuts on, and I've done _my_ bit, you + be bound. + I chi-iked to young Ingy-rubber, and give him the haffable nod; + And if H. R. H. didn't twig me, and drop me a smile, well, it's odd. + + Hart's 'aving its innings, as usual, and so is old W. G., + Only more so. My eye and a band-box, a rare bit o' stuff _he_ must + be! + As nigh forty-seven as don't matter, as big as a barrel, and yet + A-piling 'is centries like pea-shellin'! Sound Double Gloster, you + bet! + + I sor him at Lord's, mate, last Thursday, five 'ours and a arf in + the sun, + A smiting and running as if, at 'is age, with 'is weight, it was + fun! + _'Ot_, CHARLIE? My collar flopped limp, and I lapped + lemon-squoshes--a number; + And there wos 'e tottling 'is Thousand, as cool as a bloomin' + cowcumber. + + I wouldn't ha' done it for tuppence; no, not with the cheerings + chucked in, + Although the Pervilion fair rose at 'im. 'Ow gents of clarss, and + with tin, + And no _need_ to it, CHARLIE, choose Cricket, at ninety degrees in + the shyde, + When they could lay hidle, fair licks me. But, there, hevery one + to 'is tryde! + + A dust-coat, a white 'at, a field-glass, a landau and lashings o' + fizz, + At Hascot would suit _me_ fur better. The old sport o' kings _is_ + good biz, + With shekels, and luck, like Lord ROSEBERY! Scissors! I _do_ 'ate + a Rad. + But a sportsman, as pulls off two Derbies, wy 'ang it, 'e _carn't_ + be no Cad. + + If Primrose would only turn Primroser, wot a fair topper he'd be! + Wot _can_ be 'is little gyme, CHARLIE, to foller old W. G.? + (I don't mean the cricketer this time.) That Liberal lot ain't no + clarss, + With a lot o' tag-rag they carn't hold, and a lot o' bad Bills + they carn't parss. + + The blot on this Season is Parlyment. Wy don't they 'urry it up, + And scoot to country, the cripples? St. Paul's to my tarrier pup, + They'd git a 'ot 'iding this journey. Let ROSEBERY cut the thing + short, + Chuck 'ARCOURT and pal on with Gentleman JOE, _like_ a gent, and a + Sport! + + Then 'ARRY will talk to 'im, CHARLIE! Ah, well, I ain't got no + more room, + Though I ain't done the Season arf justice. The last pale + laburnum's in bloom, + But it ain't bin washed brimstone with rain-bursts. Our SARAH is + hover from Parry, + Sir ORGUSTUS is fair on the toot, so 'Ooray for the Season! + Yours, 'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +NEW BOOK AND QUERY.--"_Women's Tragedies._ By H. D. LOWRY." Is the +tragic history of _That Lass of Lowrie's_ included? "But that is +another story." + + * * * * * + +NOW WE'RE FURNISHED! + +This is how the Guardians of the Midleton Union (County Cork) transact +business:-- + + "_Mr. Morrison_ (_to the Chairman_). You promised to write + to the Local Government Board, and do it now. (_Noise and + interruptions._) + + "_Mr. Murphy_ (_warmly_). I say the whole thing is all humbug, + and based upon humbug. + + "(_At this stage there was great noise and confusion, several + gentlemen speaking at the same time._) + + "_Chairman_ (_very warmly, and hitting the table_). I say I am + not a humbug, and I was never a humbug, and I hope I'll never + have to be displaced from any public position because I was a + humbug or a proved humbug." + +Why did not the table turn upon the chair, and hit it back? This +would have been a real case of table-turning. To parody EDWARD LEAR'S +delightful _Nonsense Songs_, + + Said the Table to the Chair, + "You can hardly be aware + How it feels when you come down + With your fist upon my crown." + + * * * * * + +"MENUS PLAISIRS."--One of the best _menus_ of the season provided by +the Lyceum House of Entertainment included, or rather did include, +during last week past, such choice dishes, so much to the taste of +everyone, as _The Ris d'Ellen Terry à la Nance Oldfield_ and _Tête +de Mathias à la Henri premier_. Appropriately, of course, did the +orchestra, which plays before each performance, give the old familiar +airs of "_I would I were with Nancy!_" and "_The Bells are ringing +for_"--_Mathias_--not for "_Sara_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A STRAIGHT REPLY. + +_Daughter of a Hundred Earls_ (_who is about to marry for love_). "NOW +I AM GOING TO HAVE A HOUSE OF MY OWN, MRS. RUSTLE, I SHALL GET YOU TO +GIVE ME A HINT OR TWO." + +_The Maternal Housekeeper._ "WELL, LADY CLARA, I'M AFRAID I CAN'T HELP +YOU MUCH. I KNOW VERY LITTLE ABOUT THE CONTRIVANCES OF PEOPLE WITH +SMALL MEANS."] + + * * * * * + +A MISSED CHANCE. + + [Mr. ANTHONY HOPE'S "reply on behalf of the ladies was witty + and felicitous, and only disappointed" those who had hoped + that at least one "new woman" would have justified the claim + of her sex to equality with the male by replying. "The only + sign of novelty we detected about the ladies present was that + a few condescended to puff cigarettes, to the evident scandal + of some less advanced ladies."--_The "Literary World" upon the + late meeting of the "New Vagabond Club._"] + + Of novelties--and novel ties--in chase, + Advances the New Woman, destined winner + Of true first-fiddledom and pride of place! + Already she's "advanced" to a club dinner + At the New Vagabonds! How Eleusinian + It sounds, how almost desperately daring! + Clubdom was once Man's absolute dominion, + Which now New Womanhood with him seems sharing. + "_She made no speeches_," though;--though FRANKFORT MOORE + Cracked jokes, and HOPE told tales! With mild regret + One hears that, 'midst the after-dinner "roar" + Her share was--proxies and a cigarette! + _Can_ it be her revolt against Man's yoke + Shall end, as here, in silence and in smoke! + + * * * * * + +DAMP ITALIAN DRAMA.--The Evening _Dews, eh?_ + + * * * * * + +NAVAL ARCHITECTURE. + + [A paper on "The Amplitude of Rolling on a Non-synchronous + Wave" was read before the Congress of Naval Architects in + Paris.] + + Last week, the papers tell us, the talented and zealous + Designers who construct our ships their best attention gave + To M. BERTIN'S writing on what sounds to us exciting-- + The amplitude of rolling when non-synchronous the wave. + + How often, crossing over those distressing Straits of Dover, + Where flighty folks grow flabby and where giddy ones grow grave, + We have meditated sadly that we don't encounter gladly + The amplitude of rolling when non-synchronous the wave. + + The amplitude--we'd bear it, and would probably not care, it + Seems but to be an adjunct which perhaps we might not crave. + For that execrable rolling we require much more consoling, + That amplitude of rolling when non-synchronous the wave. + + Yet the rolling might be ended if the waves could be amended + To synchronously swell, all want of symmetry to save, + But we can't be CANUTES, can we? He could no more stop it than we-- + That amplitude of rolling when non-synchronous the wave. + + So Lord DUFFERIN entreated all the experts, round him seated, + To build a ship where passengers could comfortably shave, + Even where a billiard-table would be absolutely stable, + No amplitude of rolling, though non-synchronous the wave. + + Naval Architects, then, hasten to diminish woes which chasten + The happiness of hundreds, be they timorous or brave; + Make a ship, like dry land seeming, where we should not think of dreaming + Of amplitude of rolling, though non-synchronous the wave. + + * * * * * + +WHITEWASHING THE STATUE OF CROMWELL. + +"CROMWELL," wrote the _Daily News_ on ARTHUR BALFOUR'S speech, "was +the only man of his time who understood the principles of religious +freedom." Ahem! + +"Papa," said _Polly Eccles_, referring to certain charges brought +against her revered father, "Papa may have his faults, but he's a +_very_ clever man." So the _D. N._ as to the Protector CROMWELL. +"OLIVER," says the _D. N._ in effect, "being human, may have had his +faults, as had other men of his time, but he thoroughly understood +religious freedom." Did he? In Ireland for example? With him +"religious freedom" was like the verb in grammar, either "expressed" +or "understood." It might have been "understood," but it certainly was +not "expressed" in action. If CROMWELL was such a model of "religious +freedom," then it will be as well to reconsider history under NERO, +DIOCLETIAN, & CO., not to mention the amiable Ninth CHARLES of France, +the genial HARRY THE EIGHTH of England, the gentle PETER, Czar of +all the Russia, and a few other kindly-disposed rulers, who were, +probably, the only men of their time thoroughly understanding the +principles of religious freedom. As the song says, "They wouldn't +ha' 'urt a biby, They were men as you could trust!" And for OLIVER +himself, "He was all right when you knew him, _But_--you had to know +him fust!" Rather; and then you had to accommodate yourself to his +little ways, or else so much the worse for one of the two, and that +one wouldn't have been OLIVER CROMWELL. But, of course, between +principles and practise there is a "Great Divide." + + * * * * * + +THE SHAHZADA, weary of London life and English enjoyment, will at +last exclaim with the canny Scot, "For pleasure gie me Peebles!" (The +original remark was made by the author of _Peebles whom I have met_.) + + * * * * * + +NOTE, SATURDAY, JUNE 15.--Piece running last the week in Theatre Royal +Law Courts--"_Bébé_." For Monday's lunch Sir HENRY HAWKINS ordered a +Capon. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, June 10._--School reopened after Whitsun +Holidays. Occasion marked by lamentable episode. Attendance, as usual +on Black Monday, very small. SPEAKER took Chair at three o'clock. No +private business on hand; nothing to be done till half-past three. +Meanwhile, SPEAKER and Members sit with hands folded. + +Everyone knows the temptation of such opportunity for a nameless +Personage. TOMMY'S idle hands instinctively clutched after mischief. +Suppose he were to move to have House counted? Evidently not forty +present; nothing very serious would follow. SPEAKER would count. If +not forty on hand, would leave Chair, sit at table, and wait till they +came. Or he would go off, come back any time before four when message +brought in that a quorum was in sight. Still, it would be a lark; +would startle the House, frighten Ministers, possibly postpone +commencement of business by half an hour. + +Cap'en just rising with intent to observe that there are not forty +Members present, when happier thought struck him. Why not get some +landsman to do the trick? The more venerable and venerated the agent +the better. TOMMY knows himself to be a wicked old salt. House not +shocked now at anything he does. Half the fun gone if he played this +prank himself. Shifting his quid and scanning horizon, noted in his +place Sir RICHARD TEMPLE, Bart., G.C.S.I., late Lieutenant-Governor +of Bengal, once Governor of Bombay, sometime Chief Commissioner of +Central Provinces of India. + +The very man for the job. Buttonholing him with his hook, Cap'en TOMMY +opened his little plot. TEMPLE aghast at first. Never known such a +thing done, and the like. TOMMY jawed away, twisting TEMPLE round the +tip of his hook like a marlingspike on a flying jibboom. Convinced him +that public duty called for sacrifice of private prejudices. Having +squared TEMPLE, TOMMY got men near him to walk out before House was +counted, so as to reduce chances of quorum. + +Bell rang; Members rushed in; Ministers huddled on Treasury Bench +like flock of frightened sheep. TOMMY, looking down from shrouds in +Strangers' Gallery, carefully counted. + +"Only thirty two," he said. "Done it!" + +But SPEAKER can count as well. +"One-two--four--fourteen--twenty-seven--thirty-nine, forty," said he, +with tone of conviction that precluded contradiction. + +"Blow me tight!" said TOMMY, coming out of the shrouds, a deathly +pallor shining through his tan. That was not his exact expression; but +it was equivalent to his remark. + +_Business done._--Quite a lot. + +[Illustration: Vantage in (Sir E. Gr-y and Sir E. Ashm-d-B-rtl-tt.)] + +_Tuesday._--EDWARD GREY is a hard nut for Irresponsible Verbosity +to crack. SILOMIO, his jaws aching with attempts at crunching SYDNEY +BUXTON, sometimes turns to him, and goes away sorrowing. TOMMY has a +tuck in at him occasionally, but makes nothing of the job. To night +AMBROSE, Q.C., took him in hand. Drew up stupendous question on +subject of Great Britain's relations with the Porte in respect of +Armenia. + +"That'll fetch him," he said, as he ogled the paper on which the +question was set forth in bold type. Is there a treaty obligation, +he wanted to know, as distinguished from mere discretionary right, +authorising Great Britain to interfere in the affairs of Armenia, or +make war upon the Porte? If so, specify the treaty and the particular +article or articles creating such obligation. + +This a bare summary of question, the drafting of which had cost +AMBROSE, Q.C., some sleepless nights. SILOMIO had looked over it; +TOMMY had touched it up; BARTLEY had beamed over it; HANBURY had +hugged it. GREY'S last hour (of course in Parliamentary sense) had +evidently come. He had wriggled out of some earlier man traps set for +him. This would settle him. + +And this is what GREY said in reply:--"The article of the Treaty +of Berlin relative to the point raised by the hon. member is the +sixty-first." + +Only that, and nothing more. The raven on the pallid bust of PALLAS +was scarcely more disappointingly laconic. There was a shocked pause; +then allied forces swooped down on UNDER SECRETARY, crying, in chorus. +Did the clause mean this? Did it mean that? + +"The hon. member," said GREY, not even smiling, "must place his own +interpretation on the clause." + +Evidently nothing to be done with a person of this temperament. +SILOMIO, with a wild shriek, learned in Swaziland, dashed in with +fresh questions; was neatly tripped up by SPEAKER; lay sprawling on +ground with dishevelled hair. Before he could get up, SNAPE was +asking HOME SECRETARY if the police might not be supplied with lighter +clothing in summer months. + +_Business done._--Crofters Bill read second time. + +[Illustration: Don Currie, Lord High Admiral.] + +_Wednesday. Off Tilbury._--Yes, I'm off Tilbury, and shall be off +to the Baltic at four bells, whatever time that may be. Mr. G. is +responsible for it. Tired of doing nothing; pondering perilously over +growing temptation to run up to town, plunge into Parliamentary work; +address meeting at Blackheath on Armenian question. In nick of time +comes letter from DON CURRIE, proposing a trip to Kiel for opening of +Baltic Canal. + +"The very thing!" said Mr. G., vaulting over the library table at +Hawarden, where he was sitting when letter arrived. "But TOBY, M.P., +must come with us." + +Objections urged in vain. What would Constituents in Berks say, +me running away from work? Who was to write the only authentic +matter-of-fact record of Parliamentary doings for future historians? +Mr. G., with all the impetuosity of youth, would listen to nothing. So +here I am, onboard the R.M.S. _Tantallon Castle_. Here, also, is quite +a quorum of members. Curious to see how they all trooped in just now +when luncheon-bell rang. Said they thought it was a division; being in +saloon, might as well stay. + +That's all very well. By-and-by we'll be on the North Sea, where the +stormy winds do blow, do blow. Shall see _then_ whether we can keep a +House through the dinner hour. + +_Business done._--Anchor weighed. Mr. G. taking the helm till we're +out in the open, when anyone can steer. Looks more than usually +knowing in a sou'wester. Wind N.S.E. Barometer falling. + + * * * * * + +STARTLING NEWS! ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.--GRACE caught!! WRIGHT at +last. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +108, June 22nd, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42734 *** |