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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42523 ***
+
+THE MINOR DRAMA.
+No. XXI.
+
+BOX AND COX.
+
+_A Romance of Real Life_
+IN ONE ACT.
+
+BY JOHN MADDISON MORTON, ESQ.
+
+WITH THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAST OF CHARACTERS, COSTUMES, RELATIVE
+POSITIONS, &c.
+
+NEW YORK:
+DOUGLAS, NO. 11 SPRUCE ST
+AND FOR SALE BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.
+1848.
+
+
+
+CAST OF CHARACTERS.
+
+                             Theatre,
+                              London,        Olympic,      Palmo's,
+                               1847.           1848.        1848.
+John Box,                Mr. Buckstone.   Mr. Holland.   Mr. Povey.
+  a Journeyman Printer,
+James Cox,                "  Harley.       "  Conover.    "  Chapman.
+  a Journeyman Hatter,
+Mrs. Bouncer,            Mrs. M'Namara.   Mrs. Henry.    Mrs. Vernon.
+
+
+COSTUMES.
+
+BOX.--Small swallow-tailed black coat, short buff waistcoat, light
+drab trowsers short, turned up at bottom, black stockings, white
+canvass boots with black tips, cotton neckcloth, shabby black hat.
+
+COX.--Brown Newmarket coat, long white waistcoat, dark plaid trowsers,
+boots, white hat, black stock.
+
+MRS. BOUNCER.--Coloured cotton gown, apron, cap, &c.
+
+
+First produced at the Royal Lyceum Theatre, November 1st, 1847
+
+Time in Representation--35 Minutes.
+
+
+EXITS AND ENTRANCES.
+
+R. means _Right;_ L. _Left;_ R. D. _Right Door;_ L. D. _Left Door;_
+S. E. _Second Entrance;_ U. E. _Upper Entrance;_ M. D. _Middle Door._
+
+RELATIVE POSITIONS.
+
+R., means _Right;_ L., _Left;_ C., _Centre;_ R. C., _Right of Centre;_
+L. C., _Left of Centre._
+
+
+
+BOX AND COX.
+
+ACT I.
+
+SCENE I--_A Room, decently furnished. At C., a bed, with curtains
+closed, at L. C., a door, at L. 3d E., a door, at L. S. E., a chest of
+drawers, at back, R., a window, at R. 3d E., a door, at R. S. E., a
+fireplace, with mantel-piece, table and chairs, a few common ornaments
+on chimney-piece. COX, dressed, with the exception of his coat, is
+looking at himself in a small looking-glass, which is in his hand._
+
+COX. I've half a mind to register an oath that I'll never have my hair
+cut again! [_His hair is very short._] I look as if I had just been
+cropped for the militia! And I was particularly emphatic in my
+instructions to the hair-dresser, only to cut the ends off. He must
+have thought I meant the other ends! Never mind--I shan't meet anybody
+to care about so early. Eight o'clock, I declare! I haven't a moment
+to lose. Fate has placed me with the most punctual, particular, and
+peremptory of hatters, and I must fulfil my destiny. [_Knock at L.
+D._] Open locks, whoever knocks!
+
+_Enter MRS. BOUNCER, L._
+
+MRS. B. Good-morning, Mr. Cox. I hope you slept comfortably, Mr. Cox?
+
+COX. I can't say I did, Mrs. B. I should feel obliged to you, if you
+could accommodate me with a more protuberant bolster, Mrs. B. The one
+I've got now seems to me to have about a handful and a half of
+feathers at each end, and nothing whatever in the middle.
+
+MRS. B. Anything to accommodate you, Mr. Cox.
+
+COX. Thank you. Then, perhaps, you'll be good enough to hold this
+glass, while I finish my toilet.
+
+MRS. B. Certainly. [_Holding glass before COX, who ties his cravat._]
+Why, I do declare, you've had your hair cut.
+
+COX. Cut? It strikes me I've had it mowed! It's very kind of you to
+mention it, but I'm sufficiently conscious of the absurdity of my
+personal appearance already. [_Puts on his coat._] Now for my hat.
+[_Puts on his hat, which comes over his eyes._] That's the effect of
+having one's hair cut. This hat fitted me quite tight before. Luckily
+I've got two or three more. [_Goes in at L., and returns, with three
+hats of different shapes, and puts them on, one after the other--all
+of which are too big for him._] This is pleasant! Never mind. This one
+appears to me to wabble about rather less than the others--[_Puts on
+hat,_]--and now I'm off! By the bye, Mrs. Bouncer, I wish to call your
+attention to a fact that has been evident to me for some time
+past--and that is, that my coals go remarkably fast--
+
+MRS. B. Lor, Mr. Cox!
+
+COX. It is not the case only with the coals, Mrs. Bouncer, but I've
+lately observed a gradual and steady increase of evaporation among my
+candles, wood, sugar, and lucifer matches.
+
+MRS. B. Lor, Mr. Cox! you surely don't suspect me?
+
+COX. I don't say I do, Mrs. B.; only I wish you distinctly to
+understand, that I don't believe it's the cat.
+
+MRS. B. Is there anything else you've got to grumble about, sir?
+
+COX. Grumble! Mrs. Bouncer, do you possess such a thing as a
+dictionary?
+
+MRS. B. No, sir.
+
+COX. Then I'll lend you one--and if you turn to the letter G, you'll
+find "Grumble, verb neuter--to complain without a cause." Now that's
+not my case, Mrs. B., and now that we are upon the subject, I wish to
+know how it is that I frequently find my apartment full of smoke?
+
+MRS. B. Why--I suppose the chimney--
+
+COX. The chimney doesn't smoke tobacco. I'm speaking of tobacco smoke,
+Mrs. B. I hope, Mrs. Bouncer, _you're_ not guilty of cheroots or
+Cubas?
+
+MRS. B. Not I, indeed, Mr. Cox.
+
+COX. Nor partial to a pipe?
+
+MRS. B. No, sir.
+
+COX. Then, how is it that--
+
+MRS. B. Why--I suppose--yes--that must be it--
+
+COX. At present I am entirely of your opinion--because I haven't the
+most distant particle of an idea what you mean.
+
+MRS. B. Why the gentleman who has got the attics, is hardly ever
+without a pipe in his mouth--and there he sits, with his feet upon the
+mantel-piece--
+
+COX. The mantel piece! That strikes me as being a considerable
+stretch, either of your imagination, Mrs. B., or the gentleman's legs.
+I presume you mean the fender or the hob.
+
+MRS. B. Sometimes one, sometimes t'other. Well, there he sits for
+hours, and puffs away into the fire-place.
+
+COX. Ah, then you mean to say that this gentleman's smoke, instead of
+emulating the example of all other sorts of smoke, and going _up_ the
+chimney, thinks proper to affect a singularity by taking the contrary
+direction?
+
+MRS. B. Why--
+
+COX. Then, I suppose, the gentleman you are speaking of, is the same
+individual that I invariably meet coming up stairs when I'm going
+down, and going down stairs when I'm coming up!
+
+MRS. B. Why--yes--I--
+
+COX. From the appearance of his outward man, I should unhesitatingly
+set him down as a gentleman connected with the printing interest.
+
+MRS. B. Yes, sir--and a very respectable young gentleman he is.
+
+COX. Well, good-morning, Mrs. Bouncer!
+
+MRS. B. You'll be back at your usual time, I suppose, sir?
+
+COX. Yes--nine o'clock. You needn't light my fire in future, Mrs.
+B.--I'll do it myself. Don't forget the bolster! [_Going, stops._] A
+halfpenny worth of milk, Mrs. Bouncer--and be good enough to let it
+stand--I wish the cream to accumulate.
+
+[_Exit at L. C._
+
+MRS. B. He's gone at last! I declare I was all in a tremble for fear
+Mr. Box would come in before Mr. Cox went out. Luckily, they've never
+met yet--and what's more, they're not very likely to do so; for Mr.
+Box is hard at work at a newspaper office all night, and doesn't come
+home till the morning, and Mr. Cox is busy making hats all day long,
+and doesn't come home till night; so that I'm getting double rent for
+my room, and neither of my lodgers are any the wiser for it. It was a
+capital idea of mine--that it was! But I haven't an instant to lose.
+First of all, let me put Mr. Cox's things out of Mr. Box's way. [_She
+takes the three hats, COX'S dressing gown and slippers, opens door at
+L. and puts them in, then shuts door and locks it._] Now, then, to put
+the key where Mr. Cox always finds it. [_Puts the key on the ledge of
+the door, L._] I really must beg Mr. Box not to smoke so much. I was
+so dreadfully puzzled to know what to say when Mr. Cox spoke about it.
+Now, then, to make the bed--and don't let me forget that what's the
+head of the bed for Mr. Cox, becomes the foot of the bed for Mr.
+Box--people's tastes do differ so. [_Goes behind the curtains of the
+bed, and seems to be making it--then appears with a very thin bolster
+in her hand._] The idea of Mr. Cox presuming to complain of such a
+bolster as this! [_She disappears again, behind curtains._]
+
+BOX. [_Without._] Pooh--pooh! Why don't you keep your own side of the
+staircase, sir? [_Enters at back, dressed as a Printer. Puts his head
+out at door again, shouting._] It was as much your fault as mine, sir!
+I say, sir--it was as much your fault as mine, sir!
+
+MRS. B. [_Emerging from behind the curtains of bed._] Lor, Mr. Box!
+what is the matter?
+
+BOX. Mind your own business, Bouncer!
+
+MRS. B. Dear, dear, Mr. Box! what a temper you are in, to be sure! I
+declare you're quite pale in the face!
+
+BOX. What colour would you have a man be, who has been setting up long
+leaders for a daily paper all night?
+
+MRS. B. But, then, you've all the day to yourself.
+
+BOX. [_Looking significantly at MRS. BOUNCER._] So it seems! Far be it
+from me, Bouncer, to hurry your movements, but I think it right to
+acquaint you with my immediate intention of divesting myself of my
+garments, and going to bed.
+
+MRS. B. Oh, Mr. Box!
+
+[_Going._
+
+BOX. Stop! Can you inform me who the individual is that I invariably
+encounter going down stairs when I'm coming up, and coming up stairs
+when I'm going down?
+
+MRS. B. [_Confused._] Oh--yes--the gentleman in the attic, sir.
+
+BOX. Oh! There's nothing particularly remarkable about him, except his
+hats. I meet him in all sorts of hats--white hats and black hats--hats
+with broad brims, and hats with narrow brims--hats with naps, and hats
+without naps--in short, I have come to the conclusion, that he must be
+individually and professionally associated with the hatting interest.
+
+MRS. B. Yes, sir. And, by the bye, Mr. Box, he begged me to request of
+you, as a particular favor, that you would not smoke quite so much.
+
+BOX. Did he? Then you may tell the gentle hatter, with my compliments,
+that if he objects to the effluvia of tobacco, he had better
+domesticate himself in some adjoining parish.
+
+MRS. B. Oh, Mr. Box! You surely wouldn't deprive me of a lodger?
+
+[_Pathetically._
+
+BOX. It would come to precisely the same thing, Bouncer, because if I
+detect the slightest attempt to put my pipe out, I at once give you
+warning that I shall give you warning at once.
+
+MRS. B. Well, Mr. Box--do you want anything more of me?
+
+BOX. On the contrary--I've had quite enough of you!
+
+MRS. B. Well, if ever! What next, I wonder?
+
+[_Goes out at L. C., slamming door after her._
+
+BOX. It's quite extraordinary, the trouble I always have to get rid of
+that venerable female! She knows I'm up all night, and yet she seems
+to set her face against my indulging in a horizontal position by day.
+Now, let me see--shall I take my nap before I swallow my breakfast, or
+shall I take my breakfast before I swallow my nap--I mean, shall I
+swallow my nap before--no--never mind! I've got a rasher of bacon
+somewhere--[_Feeling in his pockets_]--I've the most distinct and
+vivid recollection of having purchased a rasher of bacon--Oh, here it
+is--[_Produces it, wrapped in paper, and places it on table._]--and a
+penny roll. The next thing is to light the fire. Where are my
+lucifers? [_Looking on mantel-piece R., and taking box, opens it._]
+Now, 'pon my life, this is too bad of Bouncer--this is, by several
+degrees, too bad! I had a whole box full, three days ago, and now
+there's only one! I'm perfectly aware that she purloins my coals and
+my candles, and my sugar--but I did think--oh, yes, I did think that
+my lucifers would be sacred! [_Takes candlestick off the mantel-piece,
+R., in which there is a very small end of candle--looks at it._] Now I
+should like to ask any unprejudiced person or persons their opinion
+touching this candle. In the first place, a candle is an article that
+I don't require, because I'm only at home in the day time--and I
+bought this candle on the first of May--Chimney-sweepers'
+Day--calculating that it would last me three months, and here's one
+week not half over, and the candle three parts gone! [_Lights the
+fire--then takes down a gridiron, which is hanging over the fireplace,
+R._] Mrs. Bouncer has been using my gridiron! The last article of
+consumption that I cooked upon it was a pork chop, and now it is
+powerfully impregnated with the odour of red herrings! [_Places
+gridiron on fire, and then, with a fork, lays rasher of bacon on the
+gridiron._] How sleepy I am, to be sure! I'd indulge myself with a
+nap, if there was anybody here to superintend the turning of my bacon.
+[_Yawning again._] Perhaps it will turn itself. I must lie down--so,
+here goes. [_Lies on the bed, closing the curtains round him--after a
+short pause--_
+
+_Enter COX, hurriedly, L. C._
+
+COX. Well, wonders will never cease! Conscious of being eleven minutes
+and a half behind time, I was sneaking into the shop, in a state of
+considerable excitement, when my venerable employer, with a smile of
+extreme benevolence on his aged countenance, said to me--"Cox, I
+shan't want you to-day--you can have a holiday."--Thoughts of
+"Gravesend and back--fare, One Shilling," instantly suggested
+themselves, intermingled with visions of "Greenwich for Fourpence!"
+Then came the Twopenny Omnibuses, and the Halfpenny boats--in short,
+I'm quite bewildered! However, I must have my breakfast first--that'll
+give me time to reflect. I've bought a mutton chop, so I shan't want
+any dinner. [_Puts chop on table._] Good gracious! I've forgot the
+bread. Holloa! what's this? A roll, I declare! Come, that's lucky!
+Now, then, to light the fire. Holloa--[_Seeing the lucifer-box on
+table,_]--who presumes to touch my box of lucifers? Why, it's empty! I
+left one in it--I'll take my oath I did. Heydey! why, the fire _is_
+lighted! Where's the gridiron? _On_ the fire, I declare! And what's
+that on it? Bacon? Bacon it is! Well, now, 'pon my life, there is a
+quiet coolness about Mrs. Bouncer's proceedings that's almost amusing.
+She takes my last lucifer--my coals, and my gridiron, to cook her
+breakfast by! No, no--I can't stand this! Come out of that! [_Pokes
+fork into bacon, and puts it on a plate on the table, then places his
+chop on the gridiron, which he puts on the fire._] Now, then, for my
+breakfast things. [_Taking key, hung up, L., opens door L. and goes
+out, slamming the door after him, with a loud noise._
+
+BOX. [_Suddenly showing his head from behind the curtains._] Come in!
+if it's you, Mrs. Bouncer--you needn't be afraid. I wonder how long
+I've been asleep? [_Suddenly recollecting._] Goodness gracious--my
+bacon! [_Leaps off bed, and runs to the fireplace._] Holloa! what's
+this? A chop! Whose chop? Mrs. Bouncer's, I'll be bound.--She thought
+to cook her breakfast while I was asleep--with _my_ coals, too--and my
+gridiron! Ha, ha! But where's my bacon? [_Seeing it on table._] Here
+it is. Well, 'pon my life, Bouncer's going it! And shall I curb my
+indignation? Shall I falter in my vengeance? No! [_Digs the fork into
+the chop, opens window, and throws chop out--shuts window again._] So
+much for Bouncer's breakfast, and now for my own! [_With the fork he
+puts the bacon on the gridiron again._] I may as well lay my breakfast
+things.--[_Goes to mantel-piece at R., takes key out of one of the
+ornaments, opens door at R. and exit, slamming door after him._
+
+COX. [_Putting his head in quickly at L._] Come in--come in! [_Opens
+door, L. C. Enters with a small tray, on which are tea things, &c.,
+which he places on drawers, L. and suddenly recollects._] Oh,
+goodness! my chop! [_Running to fireplace._] Holloa--what's that? The
+bacon again! Oh, pooh! Zounds--confound it--dash it--damn it--I can't
+stand this! [_Pokes fork into bacon, opens window, and flings it out,
+shuts window again, returns to drawers for tea things, and encounters
+BOX coming from his cupboard with his tea things--they walk down C. of
+stage together._] Who are you, sir?
+
+BOX. If you come to that--who are _you?_
+
+COX. What do you want here, sir?
+
+BOX. If you come to that--what do _you_ want?
+
+COX. [_Aside._] It's the printer! [_Puts tea-things on the drawers._
+
+BOX. [_Aside._] It's the hatter! [_Puts tea-things on table._
+
+COX. Go to your attic, sir--
+
+BOX. _My_ attic, sir? _Your_ attic, sir!
+
+COX. Printer, I shall do you a frightful injury, if you don't
+instantly leave my apartment.
+
+BOX. _Your_ apartment? You mean _my_ apartment, you contemptible
+hatter, you!
+
+COX. _Your_ apartment? Ha! ha!--come, I like that! Look here,
+sir--[_Produces a paper out of his pocket._] Mrs. Bouncer's receipt
+for the last week's rent, sir--
+
+BOX. [_Produces a paper, and holds it close to COX'S face._] Ditto,
+sir!
+
+COX. [_Suddenly shouting._] Thieves!
+
+BOX. Murder!
+
+BOTH. Mrs. Bouncer! [_Each runs to door, L. C., calling._
+
+_MRS. BOUNCER runs in at door, L. C._
+
+MRS. B. What is the matter? [_COX and BOX seize MRS. BOUNCER by the
+arm, and drag her forward._
+
+BOX. Instantly remove that hatter!
+
+COX. Immediately turn out that printer!
+
+MRS. B. Well--but, gentlemen--
+
+COX. Explain!
+
+[_Pulling her round to him._
+
+BOX. Explain! [_Pulling her round to him._] Whose room is this?
+
+COX. Yes, woman--whose room is this?
+
+BOX. Doesn't it belong to me?
+
+MRS. B. No!
+
+COX. There! You hear, sir--it belongs to me!
+
+MRS. B. No--it belongs to both of you!
+
+[_Sobbing._
+
+COX & BOX. Both of us?
+
+MRS. B. Oh, dear gentlemen, don't be angry--but, you see, this
+gentleman--[_Pointing to BOX,_]--only being at home in the daytime,
+and that gentleman--[_Pointing to COX,_]--at night, I thought I might
+venture, until my little back second floor room was ready--
+
+COX & BOX. [_Eagerly._] When will your little back second floor room
+be ready?
+
+MRS. B. Why, to-morrow--
+
+COX. I'll take it!
+
+BOX. So will I!
+
+MRS. B. Excuse me--but if you both take it, you may just as well stop
+where you are.
+
+COX & BOX. True.
+
+COX. I spoke first, sir--
+
+BOX. With all my heart, sir. The little back second floor room is
+yours, sir--now, go--
+
+COX. Go? Pooh--pooh!
+
+MRS. B. Now don't quarrel, gentlemen. You see, there used to be a
+partition here--
+
+COX & BOX. Then put it up!
+
+MRS. B. Nay, I'll see if I can't get the other room ready this very
+day. Now _do_ keep your tempers.
+
+[_Exit, L._
+
+COX. What a disgusting position!
+
+[_Walking rapidly round stage._
+
+BOX. [_Sitting down on chair, at one side of table, and following
+COX'S movements._] Will you allow me to observe, if you have not had
+any exercise to-day, you'd better go out and take it.
+
+COX. I shall not do anything of the sort, sir.
+
+[_Seating himself at the table opposite BOX._
+
+BOX. Very well, sir.
+
+COX. Very well, sir! However, don't let me prevent _you_ from going
+out.
+
+BOX. Don't flatter yourself, sir. [_COX is about to break a piece of
+the roll off._] Holloa! that's my roll, sir-- [_Snatches it away--puts
+a pipe in his mouth, lights it with a piece of tinder--and puffs smoke
+across to COX._
+
+COX. Holloa! What are you about, sir?
+
+BOX. What am I about? I'm about to smoke.
+
+COX. Wheugh!
+
+[_Goes and opens window at BOX'S back._
+
+BOX. Holloa! [_Turns round._] Put down that window, sir!
+
+COX. Then put your pipe out, sir!
+
+BOX. There!
+
+[_Puts pipe on table._
+
+COX. There!
+
+[_Slams down window and re-seats himself._
+
+BOX. I shall retire to my pillow. [_Goes up, takes off his jacket,
+then goes towards bed, and sits down upon it, L. C._
+
+COX. [_Jumps up, goes to bed, and sits down on R. of BOX._] I beg your
+pardon, sir--I cannot allow any one to rumple my bed. [_Both rising._]
+
+BOX. _Your_ bed? Hark ye, sir--can you fight?
+
+COX. No, sir.
+
+BOX. No? Then come on--
+
+[_Sparring at COX._
+
+COX. Sit down, sir--or I'll instantly vociferate "Police!"
+
+BOX. [_Seats himself--COX does the same._] I say, sir----
+
+COX. Well, sir?
+
+BOX. Although we are doomed to occupy the same room for a few hours
+longer, I don't see any necessity for our cutting each other's
+throats, sir.
+
+COX. Not at all. It's an operation that I should decidedly object to.
+
+BOX. And, after all, I've no violent animosity to you, sir.
+
+COX. Nor have I any rooted antipathy to you, sir.
+
+BOX. Besides, it was all Mrs. Bouncer's fault, sir.
+
+COX. Entirely, sir. [_Gradually approaching chairs._]
+
+BOX. Very well, sir!
+
+COX. Very well, sir! [_Pause._]
+
+BOX. Take a bit of roll, sir?
+
+COX. Thank ye, sir. [_Breaking a bit off. Pause._]
+
+BOX. Do you sing, sir?
+
+COX. I sometimes join in a chorus.
+
+BOX. Then give us a chorus. [_Pause._] Have you seen the Bosjemans,
+sir?
+
+COX. No, sir--my wife wouldn't let me.
+
+BOX. Your _wife!_
+
+COX. That is--my _intended_ wife.
+
+BOX. Well, that's the same thing! I congratulate you! [_Shaking
+hands._]
+
+COX. [_With a deep sigh._] Thank ye. [_Seeing BOX about to get up._]
+You needn't disturb yourself, sir. She won't come here.
+
+BOX. Oh! I understand. You've got a snug little establishment of your
+own _here_--on the sly--cunning dog--[_Nudging COX._]
+
+COX. [_Drawing himself up._] No such thing, sir--I repeat, sir--no
+such thing, sir, but my wife--I mean, my _intended_ wife--happens to
+be the proprietor of a considerable number of bathing-machines----
+
+BOX. [_Suddenly._] Ha! Where? [_Grasping COX'S arm._]
+
+COX. At a favorite watering-place. How curious you are!
+
+BOX. Not at all. Well?
+
+COX. Consequently, in the bathing season--which luckily is rather a
+long one--we see but little of each other; but as that is now over, I
+am daily indulging in the expectation of being blessed with the sight
+of _my_ beloved. [_Very seriously._] Are _you_ married?
+
+BOX. Me? Why--not exactly!
+
+COX. Ah--a happy bachelor!
+
+BOX. Why--not--precisely!
+
+COX. Oh! a--widower?
+
+BOX. No--not absolutely!
+
+COX. You'll excuse me, sir--but at present I don't exactly understand
+how you can help being one of the three.
+
+BOX. Not help it?
+
+COX. No, sir--not you, nor any other man alive!
+
+BOX. Ah, that may be--but I'm not alive!
+
+COX. [_Pushing back his chair._] You'll excuse me, sir--but I don't
+like joking upon such subjects.
+
+BOX. I'm perfectly serious, sir. I've been defunct for the last three
+years!
+
+COX. [_Shouting._] Will you be quiet, sir?
+
+BOX. If you won't believe me, I'll refer you to a very large,
+numerous, and respectable circle of disconsolate friends.
+
+COX. My dear sir--my _very_ dear sir--if there does exist any
+ingenious contrivance whereby a man on the eve of committing matrimony
+can leave this world, and yet stop in it, I shouldn't be sorry to know
+it.
+
+BOX. Oh! then I presume I'm not to set you down as being frantically
+attached to your intended?
+
+COX. Why, not exactly; and yet, at present, I'm only aware of one
+obstacle to my doating upon her, and that is, that I can't abide her!
+
+BOX. Then there's nothing more easy. Do as I did.
+
+COX. [_Eagerly._] I will! What was it?
+
+BOX. Drown yourself!
+
+COX. [_Shouting again._] Will you be quiet, sir?
+
+BOX. Listen to me. Three years ago it was my misfortune to captivate
+the affections of a still blooming, though somewhat middle-aged widow,
+at Ramsgate.
+
+COX. [_Aside._] Singular enough! Just my case three months ago at
+Margate.
+
+BOX. Well, sir, to escape her importunities, I came to the
+determination of enlisting into the Blues, or Life Guards.
+
+COX. [_Aside._] So did I. How very odd!
+
+BOX. But they wouldn't have me--they actually had the effrontery to
+say that I was too short--
+
+COX. [_Aside._] And I wasn't tall enough!
+
+BOX. So I was obliged to content myself with a marching regiment--I
+enlisted!
+
+COX. [_Aside._] So did I. Singular coincidence!
+
+BOX. I'd no sooner done so, than I was sorry for it.
+
+COX. [_Aside._] So was I.
+
+BOX. My infatuated widow offered to purchase my discharge, on
+condition that I'd lead her to the altar.
+
+COX. [_Aside._] Just my case!
+
+BOX. I hesitated--at last I consented.
+
+COX. [_Aside._] I consented at once!
+
+BOX. Well, sir--the day fixed for the happy ceremony at length drew
+near--in fact, too near to be pleasant--so I suddenly discovered that
+I wasn't worthy to possess her, and I told her so--when, instead of
+being flattered by the compliment, she flew upon me like a tiger of
+the female gender--I rejoined--when suddenly something whizzed past
+me, within an inch of my ear, and shivered into a thousand fragments
+against the mantel-piece--it was the slop-basin. I retaliated with a
+tea-cup--we parted, and the next morning I was served with a notice of
+action for breach of promise.
+
+COX. Well, sir?
+
+BOX. Well, sir--ruin stared me in the face--the action proceeded
+against me with gigantic strides--I took a desperate resolution--I
+left my home early one morning, with one suit of clothes on my back,
+and another tied up in a bundle, under my arm--I arrived on the
+cliffs--opened my bundle--deposited the suit of clothes on the very
+verge of the precipice--took one look down into the yawning gulph
+beneath me, and walked off in the opposite direction.
+
+COX. Dear me! I think I begin to have some slight perception of your
+meaning. Ingenious creature! You disappeared--the suit of clothes were
+found--
+
+BOX. Exactly--and in one of the pockets of the coat, or the waistcoat,
+or the pantaloons--I forget which--there was also found a piece of
+paper, with these affecting farewell words: "This is thy work, oh,
+Penelope Ann!"
+
+COX. Penelope Ann! [_Starts up, takes BOX by the arm, and leads him
+slowly to front of stage._] Penelope Ann?
+
+BOX. Penelope Ann!
+
+COX. Originally widow of William Wiggins?
+
+BOX. Widow of William Wiggins!
+
+COX. Proprietor of bathing machines?
+
+BOX. Proprietor of bathing machines!
+
+COX. At Margate?
+
+BOX. And Ramsgate!
+
+COX. It must be she! And you, sir--you are Box--the lamented, long
+lost Box!
+
+BOX. I am!
+
+COX. And I was about to marry the interesting creature you so cruelly
+deceived.
+
+BOX. Ha! then you are Cox?
+
+COX. I am!
+
+BOX. I heard of it. I congratulate you--I give you joy! And now, I
+think I'll go and take a stroll.
+
+[_Going._
+
+COX. No you don't! [_Stopping him._] I'll not lose sight of you till
+I've restored you to the arms of your intended.
+
+BOX. _My_ intended? You mean _your_ intended.
+
+COX. No, sir--yours!
+
+BOX. How can she be _my_ intended, now that I'm drowned?
+
+COX. You're no such thing, sir! and I prefer presenting you to
+Penelope Ann.
+
+BOX. I've no wish to be introduced to your intended.
+
+COX. _My_ intended? How can that be, sir? You proposed to her first!
+
+BOX. What of that, sir? I came to an untimely end, and you popped the
+question afterwards.
+
+COX. Very well, sir!
+
+BOX. Very well, sir!
+
+COX. You are much more worthy of her than I am, sir. Permit me, then,
+to follow the generous impulse of my nature--I give her up to you.
+
+BOX. Benevolent being! I wouldn't rob you for the world! [_Going._]
+Good morning, sir!
+
+COX. [_Seizing him._] Stop!
+
+BOX. Unhand me, hatter! or I shall cast off the lamb and assume the
+lion!
+
+COX. Pooh!
+
+[_Snapping his fingers close to BOX'S face._
+
+BOX. An insult! to my very face--under my very nose! [_Rubbing it._]
+You know the consequences, sir--instant satisfaction, sir!
+
+COX. With all my heart, sir!
+
+[_They go to the fire-place, R., and begin ringing bells violently,
+and pull down bell-pulls._
+
+BOTH. Mrs. Bouncer! Mrs. Bouncer!
+
+_MRS. BOUNCER runs in, L. C._
+
+MRS. B. What is it, gentlemen?
+
+BOX. Pistols for two!
+
+MRS. B. Yes, sir
+
+[_Going._
+
+COX. Stop! You don't mean to say, thoughtless and imprudent woman,
+that you keep loaded fire-arms in the house?
+
+MRS. B. Oh no--they're not loaded.
+
+COX. Then produce the murderous weapons instantly!
+
+[_Exit MRS. BOUNCER, L. C._
+
+BOX. I say, sir!
+
+COX. Well, sir?
+
+BOX. What's your opinion of duelling, sir?
+
+COX. I think it's a barbarous practice, sir.
+
+BOX. So do I, sir. To be sure, I don't so much object to it when the
+pistols are not loaded.
+
+COX. No: I dare say that _does_ make some difference.
+
+BOX. And yet, sir--on the other hand--doesn't it strike you as rather
+a waste of time, for two people to keep firing pistols at one another,
+with nothing in 'em?
+
+COX. No, sir--not more than any other harmless recreation.
+
+BOX. Hark ye! Why do you object to marry Penelope Ann?
+
+COX. Because, as I've observed already, I can't abide her. You'll be
+very happy with her.
+
+BOX. Happy! Me! With the consciousness that I have deprived _you_ of
+such a treasure? No, no, Cox!
+
+COX. Don't think of me, Box--I shall be sufficiently rewarded by the
+knowledge of my Box's happiness.
+
+BOX. Don't be absurd, sir!
+
+COX. Then don't you be ridiculous, sir!
+
+BOX. I won't have her!
+
+COX. I won't have her!
+
+BOX. I have it! Suppose we draw lots for the lady--eh, Mr. Cox?
+
+COX. That's fair enough, Mr. Box.
+
+BOX. Or, what say you to dice?
+
+COX. With all my heart! Dice, by all means--[_Eagerly._]
+
+BOX. [_Aside._] That's lucky! Mrs. Bouncer's nephew left a pair here
+yesterday. He sometimes persuades me to have a throw for a trifle, and
+as he always throws sixes, I suspect they are good ones.
+
+[_Goes to the cupboard at R., and brings out the dice-box._
+
+COX. [_Aside._] I've no objection at all to dice. I lost one pound,
+seventeen and sixpence, at last Barnet Races, to a very gentlemanly
+looking man, who had a most peculiar knack of throwing sixes; I
+suspected they were loaded, so I gave him another half-crown, and he
+gave me the dice.
+
+[_Takes dice out of his pocket--uses lucifer box as substitute for
+dice-box, which is on table._
+
+BOX. Now then, sir!
+
+COX. I'm ready, sir! [_They seat themselves at opposite sides of the
+table._] Will you lead off, sir?
+
+BOX. As you please, sir. The lowest throw, of course, wins Penelope
+Ann?
+
+COX. Of course, sir.
+
+BOX. Very well, sir!
+
+COX. Very well, sir!
+
+BOX. [_Rattling dice and throwing._] Sixes!
+
+COX. That's not a bad throw of yours, sir. [_Rattling dice--throws._]
+Sixes!
+
+BOX. That's a pretty good one of your's, sir. [_Throws._] Sixes!
+
+COX. [_Throws._] Sixes!
+
+BOX. Sixes!
+
+COX. Sixes!
+
+BOX. Sixes!
+
+COX. Sixes!
+
+BOX. Those are not bad dice of yours, sir.
+
+COX. Your's seem pretty good ones, sir.
+
+BOX. Suppose we change?
+
+COX. Very well, sir.
+
+[_They change dice._
+
+BOX. [_Throwing._] Sixes!
+
+COX. Sixes!
+
+BOX. Sixes!
+
+COX. Sixes!
+
+BOX. [_Flings down the dice._] Pooh! It's perfectly absurd, your going
+on throwing sixes in this sort of way, sir.
+
+COX. I shall go on till my luck changes, sir!
+
+BOX. Let's try something else. I have it! Suppose we toss for Penelope
+Ann?
+
+COX. The very thing I was going to propose!
+
+[_They each turn aside and take out a handful of money._
+
+BOX. [_Aside, examining money._] Where's my tossing shilling? Here it
+is!
+
+[_Selecting coin._
+
+COX. [_Aside, examining money._] Where's my lucky sixpence? I've got
+it!
+
+BOX. Now then, sir,--heads win?
+
+COX. Or tails lose--whichever you prefer.
+
+BOX. It's the same to me, sir.
+
+COX. Very well, sir. Heads, I win,--tails, you lose.
+
+BOX. Yes--[_Suddenly_]--no. Heads win, sir.
+
+COX. Very well--go on!
+
+[_They are standing opposite to each other._
+
+BOX. [_Tossing._] Heads!
+
+COX. [_Tossing._] Heads!
+
+BOX. [_Tossing._] Heads!
+
+COX. [_Tossing._] Heads!
+
+BOX. Ain't you rather tired of turning up heads, sir?
+
+COX. Couldn't you vary the monotony of our proceedings by an
+occasional tail, sir?
+
+BOX. [_Tossing._] Heads!
+
+COX. [_Tossing._] Heads!
+
+BOX. Heads? Stop, sir! Will you permit me--[_Taking COX'S sixpence._]
+Holloa! your sixpence has got no tail, sir!
+
+COX. [_Seizing BOX'S shilling._] And your shilling has got two heads,
+sir!
+
+BOX. Cheat!
+
+COX. Swindler! [_They are about to rush upon each other, then retreat
+to some distance, and commence sparring, and striking fiercely at one
+another._]
+
+_Enter MRS. BOUNCER, L. H. C._
+
+BOX & COX. Is the little back second floor room ready?
+
+MRS. B. Not quite, gentlemen. I can't find the pistols, but I have
+brought you a letter--it came by the General Post yesterday. I'm sure
+I don't know how I forgot it, for I put it carefully in my pocket.
+
+COX. And you've kept it carefully in your pocket ever since?
+
+MRS. B. Yes, sir. I hope you'll forgive me, sir. [_Going._] By the
+bye, I paid twopence for it.
+
+COX. Did you? Then I _do_ forgive you.
+
+[_Exit MRS. B._
+
+[_Looking at letter._] "Margate." The post-mark decidedly says
+"Margate."
+
+BOX. Oh, doubtless a tender epistle from Penelope Ann.
+
+COX. Then read it, sir. [_Handing letter to BOX._]
+
+BOX. Me, sir?
+
+COX. Of course. You don't suppose I'm going to read a letter from your
+intended?
+
+BOX. _My_ intended! Pooh! It's addressed to you--C. O. X.!
+
+COX. Do you think that's a C.? It looks to me like a B.
+
+BOX. Nonsense! Fracture the seal!
+
+COX. [_Opens letter--starts._] Goodness gracious!
+
+BOX. [_Snatching letter--starts._] Gracious goodness!
+
+COX. [_Taking letter again._] "Margate--May the 4th. Sir,--I hasten to
+convey to you the intelligence of a melancholy accident, which has
+bereft you of your intended wife." He means _your_ intended!
+
+BOX. No, _yours!_ However, it's perfectly immaterial--but she
+unquestionably was yours.
+
+COX. How can that be? You proposed to her first!
+
+BOX. Yes, but then you--now don't let us begin again--Go on.
+
+COX. [_Resuming letter._] "Poor Mrs. Wiggins went out for a short
+excursion in a sailing boat--a sudden and violent squall soon after
+took place, which, it is supposed, upset her, as she was found, two
+days afterwards, keel upwards."
+
+BOX. Poor woman!
+
+COX. The boat, sir! [_Reading._] "As her man of business, I
+immediately proceeded to examine her papers, amongst which I soon
+discovered her will; the following extract from which will, I have no
+doubt, be satisfactory to you. 'I hereby bequeath my entire property
+to my intended husband.'" Excellent, but unhappy creature!
+[_Affected._]
+
+BOX. Generous, ill-fated being! [_Affected._]
+
+COX. And to think that I tossed up for such a woman!
+
+BOX. When I remember that I staked such a treasure on the hazard of a
+die!
+
+COX. I'm sure, Mr. Box, I can't sufficiently thank you for your
+sympathy.
+
+BOX. And I'm sure, Mr. Cox, you couldn't feel more, if she had been
+your own intended!
+
+COX. _If_ she'd been _my own_ intended? She _was_ my own intended!
+
+BOX. _Your_ intended? Come, I like that! Didn't you very properly
+observe just now, sir, that I proposed to her first?
+
+COX. To which you very sensibly replied, that you'd come to an
+untimely end.
+
+BOX. I deny it!
+
+COX. I say you have!
+
+BOX. The fortune's mine!
+
+COX. Mine!
+
+BOX. I'll have it!
+
+COX. So will I!
+
+BOX. I'll go to law!
+
+COX. So will I!
+
+BOX. Stop--a thought strikes me. Instead of going to law about the
+property, suppose we divide it.
+
+COX. Equally?
+
+BOX. Equally. I'll take two thirds.
+
+COX. That's fair enough--and I'll take three-fourths.
+
+BOX. That won't do. Half and half!
+
+COX. Agreed! There's my hand upon it----
+
+BOX. And mine.
+
+[_About to shake hands--a Postman's knock heard at street door._
+
+COX. Holloa! Postman again!
+
+BOX. Postman yesterday--postman to-day.--
+
+_Enter MRS. BOUNCER._
+
+MRS. B. Another letter, Mr. Cox--twopence more!
+
+COX. I forgive you again! [_Taking letter._] Another trifle from
+Margate. [_Opens the letter--starts._] Goodness gracious!
+
+BOX. [_Snatching letter--starts._] Gracious goodness!
+
+COX. [_Snatching letter again--reads._] "Happy to inform you--false
+alarm"--
+
+BOX. [_Overlooking._] "Sudden squall--boat upset--Mrs. Wiggins, your
+intended"--
+
+COX. "Picked up by a steamboat"--
+
+BOX. "Carried into Boulogne"--
+
+COX. "Returned here this morning"--
+
+BOX. "Will start by early train, to-morrow"--
+
+COX. "And be with you at ten o'clock, exact."
+
+[_Both simultaneously pull out their watches._
+
+BOX. Cox, I congratulate you--
+
+COX. Box, I give you joy!
+
+BOX. I'm sorry that most important business of the Colonial Office
+will prevent my witnessing the truly happy meeting between you and
+your intended. Good-morning!
+
+[_Going._
+
+COX. [_Stopping him._] It's obviously for me to retire.--Not for
+worlds would I disturb the rapturous meeting between you and your
+intended. Good morning!
+
+BOX. You'll excuse me, sir--but our last arrangement was, that she was
+_your_ intended.
+
+COX. No, yours!
+
+BOX. Yours!
+
+TOGETHER. Yours!
+
+[_Ten o'clock strikes--noise of an omnibus._
+
+BOX. Ha! What's that? A cab's drawn up at the door! [_Running to
+window._] No--it's a twopenny omnibus!
+
+COX. [_Leaning over BOX'S shoulder._] A lady's got out--
+
+BOX. There's no mistaking that majestic person--it's Penelope Ann!
+
+COX. Your intended!
+
+BOX. Yours!
+
+COX. Yours!
+
+[_Both run to door, L. C., and eagerly listen._
+
+BOX. Hark--she's coming up stairs!
+
+COX. Shut the door!
+
+[_They slam the door, and both lean up against it with their backs._
+
+MRS. B. [_Without, and knocking._] Mr. Cox! Mr. Cox!
+
+COX. [_Shouting._] I've just stepped out!
+
+BOX. So have I!
+
+MRS. B. Mr. Cox! [_Pushing at the door--COX and BOX redouble their
+efforts to keep their door shut._] Open the door! It's only me--Mrs.
+Bouncer!
+
+COX. Only you? Then where's the lady?
+
+MRS. B. Gone!
+
+COX. Upon your honour?
+
+BOX. As a gentleman?
+
+MRS. B. Yes, and she's left a note for Mr. Cox.
+
+COX. Give it to me!
+
+MRS. B. Then open the door!
+
+COX. Put it under! [_A letter is put under the door; COX picks up the
+letter, and opens it._] Goodness Gracious!
+
+BOX. [_Snatching letter._] Gracious Goodness!
+
+[_COX snatches the letter, and runs forward, followed by BOX._
+
+COX. [_Reading._] "Dear Mr. Cox, pardon my candor"--
+
+BOX. [_Looking over, and reading._] "But being convinced that our
+feelings, like our ages, do not reciprocate"--
+
+COX. "I hasten to apprise you of my immediate union"--
+
+BOX. "With Mr. Knox."
+
+COX. Huzza!
+
+BOX. Three cheers for Knox! Ha, ha, ha!
+
+[_Tosses the letter in the air, and begins dancing. COX does the
+same._
+
+MRS. B. [_Putting her head in at door._] The little second floor back
+room is quite ready!
+
+COX. I don't want it!
+
+BOX. No more do I!
+
+COX. What shall part us?
+
+BOX. What shall tear us asunder?
+
+COX. Box!
+
+BOX. Cox! [_About to embrace--BOX stops, seizes COX'S hand, and looks
+eagerly in his face._] You'll excuse the apparent insanity of the
+remark, but the more I gaze on your features, the more I'm convinced
+that you're my long lost brother.
+
+COX. The very observation I was going to make to you!
+
+BOX. Ah--tell me--in mercy tell me--have you such a thing as a
+strawberry mark on your left arm?
+
+COX. No!
+
+BOX. Then it is he!
+
+[_They rush into each other's arms._
+
+COX. Of course we stop where we are?
+
+BOX. Of course!
+
+COX. For, between you and me, I'm rather partial to this house.
+
+BOX. So am I--I begin to feel quite at home in it.
+
+COX. Everything so clean and comfortable--
+
+BOX. And I'm sure the mistress of it, from what I have seen of her, is
+very anxious to please.
+
+COX. So she is--and I vote, Box, that we stick by her.
+
+BOX. Agreed! There's my hand upon it--join but your's--agree that the
+house is big enough to hold us both, then Box--
+
+COX. And Cox--
+
+BOTH. Are satisfied!
+
+[_The Curtain Falls._
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note
+
+This transcription is based on scanned images posted by the Internet
+Archive from a copy in the Library of Congress:
+
+http://archive.org/details/boxcoxromanceofr00mort
+
+The following changes were noted:
+
+- p. 4: _Mrs. Vernon_--Inserted period after name for consistency.
+
+- p. 4: R. C., _Right of Centre_--Inserted semicolon after "_Centre_".
+
+- p. 11: [_Taking key, hung up, L. opens door..._--Inserted comma
+after "L."
+
+- p. 13: COX. Don't flatter yourself, sir.--Changed "COX" to "BOX".
+
+- p. 13: BOX. Hollo! [_Turns round._]--Changed "Hollo!" to "Holloa"
+for consistency.
+
+- p. 18: ..._and brings out the dice-box.._--Deleted second period.
+
+- p. 21: You propossd to her first!--Changed "propossd" to "proposed".
+
+- p. 23: COX.      [_Both run to door, L. C., and eagerly
+listen._--Inserted the dialogue "Yours!" after "COX." and put the
+stage direction on the following line. This emendation follows the
+text of two other editions of the play that were inspected. The first,
+an 1889 edition published by Walter H. Baker & Co., is available
+through Google Books at http://books.google.com/books?id=Hms-AAAAYAAJ.
+The second, reprinted in a collection of John Maddison Morton's plays,
+_Comediettas and Farces,_ published in 1886 by Harper & Brothers, is
+available through the Internet Archive at
+http://archive.org/details/comediettasfarce00mort.
+
+Variant spellings such as "trowsers," "doating," and "gulph," and
+other inconsistencies of spelling not noted have been retained.
+
+The html version of this etext attempts to reproduce the layout of the
+printed text. However, some concessions have been made. For example,
+the lists of abbreviations for exits and entrances and for relative
+positions on p. 4 were centered rather than coded as indented
+paragraphs to keep an abbreviation and the corresponding word or
+phrase on the same line and to prevent uneven spacing between words
+from line to line. In addition, stage directions printed flush right
+were placed on a separate line, then indented the same amount from the
+left margin and coded as hanging paragraphs.
+
+In the text version of this etext, character titles preceding dialogue
+and character names in the stage directions have been rendered in all
+upper case letters.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Box and Cox, by John Maddison Morton
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42523 ***