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diff --git a/42481-8.txt b/42481-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index a910249..0000000 --- a/42481-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1639 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, -January 26, 1895, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, January 26, 1895 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: April 7, 2013 [EBook #42481] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 26, 1895 *** - - - - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - * * * * * - -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - -VOL. 108. - -JANUARY 26, 1895. - - * * * * * - - - - -THE COMYNS AND THE GOIN'S OF ARTHUR. - -It was a pleasant sight, on the _première_ of _King Arthur_, to see -Mr. COMYNS CARR, poet, _littérateur_, art-critic, theatrical manager, -orator, journalist, dramatist, and not a few other things beside, -gravely bowing his acknowledgments as "_the_ Arthur of the piece" at -the Lyceum. Beshrew me, and by my halidome, he hath done his work with -so deft and cunning a hand as to puzzle not a little those who have -their GOETHE, their TENNYSON, and some of the most favourite plays of -WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE at their fingers' ends, and who are also more or -less acquainted with Wagnerian trilogies. - -We all know "KETTLE began it." Well, WAGNER begins this, in the -Prologue, with spirits and water, _i.e._, mere spirits getting along -swimmingly in a kind of Niebelungen lake-and-cavern scene. Not until -the curtain rose was any sort of attention paid to the music, which -might have therefore been the composition of NOAKES or STOKES, instead -of having been exquisitely written by King ARTHUR SULLIVAN. - -Enter _King Arthur Irving_ and _Merlin_ ("Charles his friend"), -suggestive of _Macbeth_ and _Banquo_, to see Wagnerian water-witches -in _The Colleen Bawn's_ cave. Wagnerian water-witches, disturbed by -the approach of gentlemen, swim away to regain, presumably, their -bathing-machines. Then Charles-his-friend _Merlin_ undertakes the -part of a kind of half-converted _Mephistopheles_, and shows the -_Faust-King-Arthur_ a "living picture" of _Guinevere_ as _Marguerite_ -in a vision. After this up comes a hand out of the water, bearing a -magnificently jewelled scabbard, in which, of course, is that blade of -the very first water, "_Excalibur_." - -_Arthur_ accepts the sword with thanks, observing that "if necessary -he will use it to make any cuts the piece may require." More chorus -of water-sprites, and end of prologue. _Merlin_, or a spirit, ought to -have sung "_Voici le sabre_." This chance was lost. - -The next scene is at Camelot, when in come a lot of knights in armour, -and the story begins in real earnest. Here is ELLEN TERRY, sweet and -majestic as the Burne-Jonesian _Queen Guinevere_, and here, too, is -FORBES-ROBERTSON as _Lancelot_, a part which he plays and looks to -perfection. The order has been given "All wigs abandon ye who enter -here," that is as far as the male principals are concerned; so they -all "keep their hair on," and thus HENRY IRVING in armour looks more -like the "Knight of the Woeful Countenance," or a moustachioless -_Don Quixote_, than the glorious Chairman of the Goodly Round Table -Company. - -_Sir Lancelot_ is compelled by "circumstances over which he has no -control" to remain behind at court, all through the selfishness of -_King Arthur_ (so unlike him, too, for once!), who fancies the Round -Table will be a trifle dull when all his "blooming companions have -faded and gone," and so the unfortunate young knight has to say to the -Queen, as Mr. CHEVALIER'S Coster sings to his "lidy-love," "_I'm -bound to keep on lovin' yer! d'yer 'ear?_" and he is watched by -_Macbeth-Mordred_ (Mr. FRANK COOPER) and his be-witching mother _Lady -Macbeth-Morgan-le-Fay_ (Miss GENEVIEVE WARD). - -[Illustration: _C-m-ns C-rr (rising to the occasion out of the mystic -mere)._ "Up I come with my little plot!"] - -In Act Two, while _Ellen-Guinevere_ and girls are out a-maying in one -of the most lovely of "As You Like it" woodland scenes (with a fool in -the forest, too) ever beheld on any stage, _Lady Macbeth-Morgan_ and -_Macbeth-Mordred_ overhear the love-making of _Guinny_ and _Lancy_; -and in Act Three these "two clever ones," as poor _Affery_ was wont -to style _Flintwich_ and _Mrs. Clennam_, reveal the truth to -_Arthur-Othello_, who has taken from the hand of the suicided -_Ophelia-Elaine_ (Miss LENA ASHWELL) a note, which assists him in -discovering the wickedness of sly _Sir Lancy_ and the giddy _Guinny_. -_Sir Lancy_ cries, "Strike on!" and _King Henry Irving Arthur_ is just -"on strike" when he exclaims "I cannot kill thee," and _Excalibur_, a -notably sharp blade on occasion, fails him now. _Lancy_ is banished; -and takes it very quietly, going out like a lamb. _King Arthur_ and -all the knights go off to the wars, leaving _Guinevere_ in charge of -_Sir Macbeth-Mordred_ and _Mrs. Morgan-le-Fay_, female professor of -necromancy, table-turning-medium, "parties attended," &c. - -In Act last _Guinevere_ is imprisoned in a tower, and is made love to -by that awfully Bad Knight, _Sir Mordred_, who seizes this chance of -playing _Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert_ to _Guinny's Rebecca_, only that -there is no window from which she can threaten to throw herself: and -so the wicked wooing comes to a rather tame conclusion. In the last -scene _Macbeth-Mordred_ and _Lady Morgan-Macbeth_ are now King and -Queen, and poor _Rebecca-Guinny_ is going to be burnt _à la Juive_, -when the herald's challenge is answered by a very Black Knight, -who keeps himself awfully dark, and who does not say, "I am RICHARD -C[OE]UR DE LION," but lifting his steel nose-protector (most useful -except when the Knight has a bad cold), reveals "The King!" Then comes -the fight--and ah, would that here one of the swords could have been -poisoned, and that _Mordred_, after slaying _Arthur_, should himself -have been stabbed to death by his own weapon, while at the same time -_Mrs. Morgan-le-Fay_ might have shouted, "See the Queen drinks to -_Arthur_," and then she could have drained a poisoned cup, and so -obtained her "_coup de grâce_." - -But no! COMYNS CARR would have none of this. The wicked flourish. -Someone said that _Sir Lancelot_ was killed "without," but I don't -believe it. My private opinion is that the sly dog _Lancy_ sneaked out -quietly, waited for _Guinevere_, and then they both went off together, -to Boulogne, or Monte Carlo maybe; that _Morgan-le-Fay_ took to -walking in her sleep and washing out little sanguinary spots on her -hand; and that _Mordred_ got an engagement in the provinces to play -_Iago_; while all that the audience know of _King Arthur_ is that he -went off with three Queens of the Night (perhaps signifying that -he ventured on a water-party with only three sovereigns) in a -barge,--perhaps "the craft of _Merlin_" mentioned by TENNYSON,--to -some place down the river, where he was said to be interred, and at -whose grave kept guard the well-known "Waterbury Watch." However all -this is but surmise. One thing is certain--that _King Arthur_ is still -alive, very much alive, and, like Lord ARTHUR of _Pantomime Rehearsal_ -fame, "going strong," at the Lyceum, for very many Arthurian nights to -come. _Le Roi Arthur est mort! Vive le Roi Arthur!_ - -Bravo, COMYNS! Well may he say to HENRY IRVING, "Eh, mon, whar's your -WULLIE SHAKSPEARE _noo?_" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE SWORD EXCALIBUR. - -(_Scene from "King Arthur" up to date._) - -_Sir Bedivere M-rl-y_ (_timidly, but politely_). "SHALL I THROW THE -SWORD INTO THE MERE?" - -_King Arthur_ (_Sir W. V. H-rc-urt--disdainfully_). "'THROW THE SWORD -INTO THE MERE!' WHY, I HAVEN'T LOST THE SCABBARD YET, STOOPID!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SOMETHING LIKE A CHARACTER. - -_Huntsman_ (_on being introduced to future Wife of M. F. H._). "PROUD -TO MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE, MISS! KNOWN THE CAPTING, MISS, FOR NIGH -ON TEN SEASONS, AND NEVER SAW 'IM TURN 'IS 'EAD FROM HANYTHING AS -WAS JUMPABLE! KNOWS A 'OSS AND KNOWS A 'OUND! CAN RIDE ONE AND 'UNT -T'OTHER; AND IF THAT AIN'T AS MUCH AS CAN BE LOOKED FOR IN A 'USBAND, -MISS, WHY, I'LL BE JIGGERED!"] - - * * * * * - -THE SWORD EXCALIBUR. - -_A Very Topsy-turvied Arthurian Legend Up-to-Date._ - -DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. - - King Arthur (_for this occasion_) Sir W. H-RC-URT. - The Bold Sir Bedivere Mr. J-HN M-RL-Y. - Sir Gawain (_just to oblige_) L-rd R-S-B-RY. - Mordred Mr. JN. R-DM-ND. - Sir Lancelot Mr. G----. - - Then, ere that last weird battle 'gainst the Lords, - There came on ARTHUR, sleeping, in his chair, - At Malwood--musing, by his own fireside, - After much totting up of Trade Returns, - And Navy Estimates--a whisper blown - Along a wandering wind, and in his ear - Went shrilling, "Hollow! hollow! Forfar! Brigg! - Our small majority shall pass away! - Farewell! There is thine Hampshire rest for thee, - But I am blown about a wandering wind, - And 'Follow! follow! follow!' day and night, - The fighting factions of our army cry - To me--their 'Leader!' And I cannot face - Five ways at once, and it's a beastly bore! - And if I could, how can I get a Bill - Passed by the Lords?" - And ARTHUR woke, and called, - "Who spake? A dream! O light upon the wind, - Thine, GAWAIN, was the voice--are these poor 'cries' - Thine? Or doth that same army, growing wild, - Mourn, wishing it had gone along with Me?" - - This heard the bold Sir BEDIVERE, and spake: - "O me, my Chief! to pass whatever Bill, - Upstairs, seems hopeless. Tory glamour clings - To all high places like a darkening cloud - For ever. Is it your intent to 'pass' - (In Tennysonian sense), since your Bills won't?" - - And ARTHUR said: "Sir BEDIVERE, blue funk - Sits ill upon a knight. GAWAIN is light-- - No one at least can say the same of _me!_" - (BEDIVERE murmured, "_No_, by--Behemoth!") - "I hear the steps of MORDRED in the West, - And with him many of the people by rights, - And thine, whom thou hast served, ungrateful grown, - The idiots!--splitting up their ranks--and ours! - But 'pass,' in Tennysonian sense? No fear! - I shall arise and smash 'em as of old!" - - Then to King ARTHUR spoke Sir BEDIVERE: - "Far other is this battle, our great test, - Whereto we move, than when great LANCELOT - (Now far cavorting in the snow at Cannes) - Thrust his great rival from St. Stephen's seats, - And shook him thro' the North. Ill doom is ours - To war against our rivals, and each other. - The chief who fights old followers fights himself, - And they, old friends who loved us once, the stroke - We strike at them is a back-stroke to us. - Nay, even the stroke of your Excalibur - Hath scarcely its old swashing force. Men say - It shall not strike again,--men whisper so!-- - That she, the Lady of the Hibernian Lake, - Awaiteth its return. Ah! you unsheath it! - Say, must I take it--take Excalibur, - And fling it far into the middle mere, - Mark what occurs, and lightly bring you word?" - - Then spake King ARTHUR to Sir BEDIVERE:-- - "O sombre Little-faith, miscalled the Bold! - _Not if I know it!_ 'Tis a beauteous blade-- - Broad, and bejewelled, and but lately gript - By my long-waiting hand. I have it now, - And if indeed I cast the brand away, - Surely a craven donkey I shall be! - What good should follow this, if this were done? - What harm undone? By George! Sir BEDIVERE, - 'Twixt frivolling GAWAIN and too doleful you, - I have a pretty pair of knightly pals,-- - Nay, I mean palfry'd knights!--to back me up. - Is this the loyalty of the Table Round? - Were MORDRED a worse traitor? or e'en he, - The Midland Knight, who pushes for my place - As he did for Sir LANCELOT'S? Oh, get out! - What should my dauntless Derby henchmen say - Should I, on Wednesday, show the feather white - And say I'd chucked the sword Excalibur - Away, unchallenged, in a fit of funk? - I lose the sword? _I've not yet lost the scabbard!_ - Nay, I shall flash it flaming in their sight, - And brandish it, and promise swashing blows - Of the keen blade, as ofttimes heretofore. - I'll outshine TENNYSON, out-hero IRVING! - Trust me 'tis not yet time for that weird arm, - 'Clothed in white samite, mystic, wonderful,' - To emerge from out the misty middle-mere - And snatch from Me the Sword Excalibur!" - - [_Freezes on to it._ - - * * * * * - -CERTAIN.--Mr. KATO, the new Japanese Minister to Great Britain, is -expected to be a success. On hearing his arguments, the observation -that will spring to Lord ROSEBERY'S lips will be, "KATO, thou -reasonest well." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A FRIENDLY WARNING. - -_First Tramp._ "I WADNA ADVISE YE TAE GANG UP THERE!" - -_Second Tramp._ "WHAT WYE? IS THERE A MUCKLE DOUG?" - -_First Tramp._ "NO; BUT THERES A DANGER O' WARK!"] - - * * * * * - -THAT PRECIOUS DONKEY! - -(_An Episode in the Life of A. Briefless, Junior, Esq., -Barrister-at-Law, in Three Parts._) - -PART III.--_The Apotheosis of the Picture._ - -Those who have done me the distinguished honour of reading the -story of my find of a genuine VON BÖOTZ (in my agitation last week I -referred erroneously to the great master as Old BOOTS) will remember -that I had got to the point where the picture I now so deeply prized -had been removed by the handy-man to be sold, no doubt, at a crushing -sacrifice. When put to it (as all my friends know) I am a man of an -iron will and a steel determination. There is no sacrifice I will not -make to carry a fixed plan into execution. It was this iron will and -steel determination that enabled me (somewhat late in life) to conquer -the apparently adamant intention of the Examiners at Lincoln's Inn and -get called to the Bar. At this crisis in my life's history the reserve -forces of my nature came to my assistance, and inspired me to hurry -without a moment's delay to the dwelling-place of WILKINS. - -Before discovering that the VON BÖOTZ had been removed I had assumed -(as it is my wont after returning from Pump-Handle Court) my slippers. -Without waiting to amend my costume, without lingering to recover my -umbrella (now reclining in its stand, seemingly exchanging confidences -with my walking-stick), I started for Panorama Place, Nine Sisters -Road, Rixton Rise. The lady who has honoured me by accepting my -name had furnished me with this address--the abode of the -unconsciously-fugitive WILKINS. Without a moment's hesitation I hailed -and entered a four-wheeler. - -"Panorama Place, Nine Sisters Road, Rixton Rise," I said in the tone -of the late Duke of WELLINGTON ordering the advance of the Guards at -Waterloo. - -The cabman shook his head, then seemingly pondered, then looked at me. -"Is it near the 'Green Compasses'?" he asked, after a pause of intense -thought. - -I have always considered Mr. WILKINS a model of sobriety. But then I -have only known him in the hours devoted to duty, to the sweeping -of kitchen chimneys, to the re-building of wash-houses, to the -re-papering of studies, to the removal of grand pianos from basement -to attic, and other little domestic offices. In his moments of -relaxation he may be a genial _viveur_, and in this character was more -likely than not to live in close proximity to the no doubt hospitable -tavern to which the driver had referred. So I answered my Jehu that -I thought it exceedingly possible that Mr. WILKINS did dwell near -the "Green Compasses." We started, and after a drive for which I was -charged (and in my opinion rightly charged) five-and-sixpence, arrived -safely at Panorama Place, Nine Sisters Road, Rixton Rise. - -The shadow of anxiety that had followed me through what I may be -permitted to term my hackney peregrinations had passed away. I had -feared that when I had successfully tracked out Mr. WILKINS to his -suburban nest I should find him flown. But no, the eagle had not -lost the child, the handy man was still the possessor of my pictorial -treasure. At least so I presumed, as he smiled when I put to him the -all-important question, "Where is my VON BÖOTZ?" - -"This is what I have done with him, Sir," said my house-renovator, -leading me gently into what I take must have been his study. The -apartment was furnished with two spades, a saw, two hammers, a pot of -glue, a model of a fire-engine, a couple of stools, and a sideboard. - -"Look at this little lot, Sir," cried Mr. WILKINS, whipping off a -cloth, and exposing to view two earthenware flower-vases, and a small -model (in chalk) of an easily illuminated (there was a receptacle in -the interior large enough to contain a taper) cathedral. - -"What are these?" I demanded, in a voice more or less suggestive of -thunder. - -"That's what he gave me for the picture, and, asking your pardon, -Sir, I think I have done well with him. It was one of those Italian -image-men, who took a fancy to it. He offered at first only those -vases. Then he sprang to a statuette of GARIBALDI. But, after a deal -of discussion, I got him to chuck in Westminster Abbey, Sir, which, as -you see, can be lighted up magnificent." - -For a moment I was struck speechless with sorrow and indignation. No -doubt the foreign hawker, having received an art education in Italy -(the renowned dwelling-place of the Muses), had recognised the value -of my picture, and had----. I paused in my train of thought, and -jumped from despair to joy. There, resting on a newly-renovated -perambulator, was my Old Master. I almost wept as I recognised my -nearly lost VON BÖOTZ. - -"But there it is!" I hoarsely whispered, pointing to the picture. - -"The canvas, yes Sir--the Italian chap only wanted the frame. He -called the donkey lot rubbish." - -Again my iron will and steel determination came to the front. To -secure the canvas, charter another four-wheeler, and deposit myself -and my prize within the cab's depths was the work of not more than -five-and-twenty minutes. I drove as hurriedly as the congested traffic -would permit to the house of a well-known connoisseur. I sent up -my card, and was immediately admitted. The celebrated critic was a -perfect stranger to me. - -"This must serve as an introduction," I said, and exposed my VON BÖOTZ -to view. The connoisseur inspected the canvas, the leaden sky, and -the villagers with languid interest. At last his gaze fell upon the -presentment of the donkey. His eyes sparkled, his cheeks flushed with -excitement; and although he was evidently attempting to master his -emotion, he almost shouted "Magnificent!" - -"Are not the ears splendid?" I asked. - -"Splendid? Glorious! Immortal!" - -"Have you seen anything to equal the mane?" - -"Never! Emphatically, never!" - -And then the art connoisseur shook me by both hands. Then we once -more inspected the donkey's ears, and in our delight nearly rose and -floated from the floor in a sort of medieval saint-like ecstasy. - -"You see it has one fault," my conscience made me say; "it has no -signature." - -"A proof that it is a genuine VON BÖOTZ. The grand old forger never -signed anything except copies. As you know, he was scarcely ever -sober, and in his drunken moods used to write his name on any kind of -canvas at the rate of a tumbler of port a signature." - -"And it is only right to add," I continued, in my character of Devil's -Advocate, and using a piece of information I had picked up from -APPLEBLOSSOM, Q.C., "that it is not in the least like a print which is -supposed to be a contemporaneous engraving." - -"The best possible proof that it is an original. Old VON -BÖOTZ--glorious old scoundrel--never painted anything that was really -reproduced. He preferred to betray his public by signing the works of -subordinates. That's the reason why he is so scarce. Oh, those ears!" - -And the art connoisseur and I returned to our medieval saint-like -ecstasy. I am almost certain that, carried away by our enthusiasm, we -floated from the carpet. After a while I thought it time to return -to what the Philistine (by the way, all things considered, a very -reasonable fellow) would call "business." I suggested that it was for -sale. - -"No, my dear Sir," corrected the critic; "not for sale. The VON BÖOTZ -must be mine. You will not be so cruel as to deny me. I am the master -of tens of thousands--nay, I might say without exaggeration--hundreds -of thousands. If you will leave yourself in my hands, I think you will -find that I am a man of honour." - -He sat down at a desk which I now noticed was made of ebony and -decorated with old gold and diamonds, and other precious stones. He -drew a cheque. Then he rose to give it to me. But as he passed the -picture it once more attracted his attention. He resumed his medieval -saint-like ecstasy for a second, and then returned to his desk. - -"I must be honest," he murmured as he filled in the figures of another -cheque. Then he turned to me. "You must pardon me for giving you the -purchase-money in two drafts; but my first cheque exhausted my account -at one bank, and I had to draw upon my balance at another to supply -the necessary residue." - -I nearly fainted when I read the amounts. - -"Not a word," said the art connoisseur as he shook me by the hand. -"Although you have, I confess, half my fortune, I am richer than I was -when I met you. The VON BÖOTZ--_my_ VON BÖOTZ--is simply of priceless -value." - -And so the picture that had been sent to the box-room and narrowly -escaped the uncultured clutch of the Italian image-man, had raised -me from comparative poverty to superlative affluence. I paid in the -cheques at my bankers, and a murmur went up from the clerks, and the -manager waylaid me at the door to press my hand. Then I drove to my -favourite stores and purchased a trifle in diamonds to present to -my wife. Fortunately, I had my chequebook with me, or otherwise my -deposit account would have been overdrawn by a thousand. - -"To-morrow," I said to my better (from a spiritual, not a financial -point of view) seven-eights, "we will acquire the nine-hundred-ton -yacht, the best part of Norway, and the Palace at Venice. The latter -will cost a few more thousands than I care to spend. But I suppose the -foreign dukedom that comes with it in itself is almost worth the five -figures. To-morrow I must see if I cannot secure that Colonelcy of -Yeomanry. Then, if you like dear, we will take the six centre boxes in -the grand tier at Covent Garden for the season, and----" - -"Oh, I am so happy!" almost wept the partner of my joys and sorrows; -"and to think that we should have sent the mine of all this prosperity -into the box-room!" - -"Yes dear," I replied. "It was you, dear, who always wanted to be free -of it." - -"I told you, sweet one," was the triumphant response, "to get rid of -it, and are you not now pleased that you took my advice?" - -And I admitted I was. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PAST AND PRESENT. - -_Serious and much-Married Man._ "MY DEAR FRIEND, I _WAS_ ASTONISHED TO -HEAR OF _YOUR_ DINING AT MADAME TROISÉTOILES!--A 'WOMAN WITH A PAST,' -YOU KNOW!" - -_The Friend_ (_Bachelor "unattached"_). "WELL, YOU SEE, OLD MAN, SHE'S -GOT A FIRST-RATE _CHEF_, SO IT ISN'T HER 'PAST,' BUT HER 'RE-PAST' -THAT _I_ CARE ABOUT."] - - * * * * * - -IN PRAISE OF PENTONVILLE. - - ["The healthiest place in England is Pentonville - Prison."--_Daily Graphic._] - - Is it sadey ye're falin' an' pale, me bhoy, - Loike a sprat that has swallered a whale, me bhoy? - The best thing Oi know - Is a sixer or so - On skilly an' wather in jail, me bhoy. - Ye're free from all koinds o' temptations, lad, - Ye can't overate on thim rations, lad, - There's so much a-head - O' skilly an' bread - Accordin' to jail regulations, lad. - - They trate ye wid fatherly care, me bhoy, - They tell ye o' what to beware, me bhoy, - They tache ye to be - Teetotal, ye see, - For 'tis nothin' but wather is there, me bhoy. - So, whin ye're beginnin' to fale, me lad, - That ye've dhrunk enough whisky an' ale, me lad, - The best of all ways - To lengthen your days - Is to spind a few wakes in the jail, me lad! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A TOAST. - -_Mamma._ "TO-DAY'S OUR WEDDING-DAY, TOMMY. YOU SHOULD STAND UP AND -DRINK ALL OUR HEALTHS." - -_Tommy_ (_rising to the occasion_). "CERTAINLY. -FATHER--MOTHER--AND"--(_pointing to himself_)--"THE RESULT!"] - - * * * * * - -THE UNTAMED SHREW; - -OR, WANTED A PETRUCHIO. - -(_A Shakspearian Foreshadowing of the Situation in France._) - - Prophetic Swan! To picture in advance - The future's pageantry of personage - And scene was thine unique prerogative; - So easily thy creations take the mould - Of aftertimes and characters unborn. - Paris to-day seems Padua, thy fair shrew, - The tricksy termagant, "curst _Katharine_," - The Paduan _Xantippe_, prickly, perverse, - Yet fascinating vixen, dons to-day - A Gallic guise, and fumes in French, and flounces - In skirts _à la République_. - What said _Gremio?_ - "_Your gifts are so good, here's none will hold you!_" - And who may hold the fair Lutetian shrew? - No man, "I wis," is "_half-way to her heart_ - _But if he were, doubt not her care should be_ - _To comb his noddle with a three-legg'd stool_, - _And paint his face_, _and use him like a fool_." - Here's _Katharine_--but where's _Petruchio?_ - - "_What! shall I be appointed hours_, _as though_, _belike_ - _I knew not what to take_, _and what to leave_, _ha!_" - There speaks the sweet-faced shrew, and takes to-day - What she will leave to-morrow. Yet she shines - In the description of _Hortensio_. - "_With wealth enough_, _and young_, _and beauteous;_ - _Brought up as best becomes a gentlewoman;_ - _Her only fault (and that is faults enough)_ - _Is_, _that she is intolerably curst_, - _And shrewd_, _and froward: so beyond all measure_, - _That_, _were my state far worser than it is_, - _I would not wed her for a mine of gold_." - And yet there be good fellows in the world, - 'An a man could but haply light on them, - Would take the veriest vixen "_with all faults_." - And many a one hath said, or seemed to say, - "_For I will board her_, _though she chide as loud_ - _As thunder_, _when the clouds in autumn crack_." - But with what issue? Like _Hortensio_, - His head is broken by the vixen's lute, - Ere he hath time to teach her government - Of frets or stops, or skilful fingering. - How many, with _Hortensio_, might say, - When asked if he could break her to the lute,-- - "_Why_, _no; for she hath broke the lute to me_. - _I did but tell her_, _she mistook her frets_, - _And bow'd her hand to teach her fingering;_ - _When with a most impatient devilish spirit_, - 'Frets, call you these?' _quoth she:_ 'I'll fume with them:' - _And with that word_, _she struck me on the head_, - _And through the instrument my pate made way;_ - _And there I stood amazed for a while_, - _As on a pillory_, _looking through the lute:_ - _While she did call me_, _rascal fiddler_, - _And twangling Jack; with twenty such vile terms_, - _As she had studied to misuse me so_. - - Her masters have not learned true mastery, - And he, her latest would-be teacher, turns - Too prompt and pusillanimous a back - Upon his wilful pupil, beaten off - Quicker than buffeted _Hortensio_ - In poor, poltroonish, post-deserting flight; - Leaving the lute whose harmonies his hand - Should have bowed hers to, broken and unstrung, - In the shrew's angry and outrageous grasp: - See how the Gallic _Katharine_ in her fume, - Flouting all mastery, flouncing uncontrolled - In furious anger, flings the shattered lute, - Unstrung, aside, as did the Paduan shrew, - Spurning all government--till _Petruchio_ came! - - "_Come_, _come you wasp; i' faith you are too angry!_" - So, in _Petruchio's_ words, say France's friends. - Whilst foes and half-allies look doubtful on, - From the chill Eastward or more genial North, - Wondering what stable faith, in love or hate, - May rest upon such shifting shrewishness. - Where waits _Petruchio_, and will he come - In purple velvet, or in soldier steel, - Or simple, civic, hero-covering cloth, - To tame this _Katharine_ of the Phrygian cap, - And smiling, in the mocking calm of power, - Say of the shrew, like him of Padua:-- - "_Think you a little din can daunt mine ears?_ - _Have I not in my time heard lion's roar?_ - _Have I not heard the sea_, _puff'd up with winds_, - _Rage like an angry boar chafèd with sweat?_ - _Have I not heard great ordnance in the field_, - _And heaven's artillery thunder in the skies?_ - _Have I not in a pitched battle heard_ - _Loud 'larums_, _neighing steeds_, _and trumpets' clang?_ - _And do you tell me of a woman's tongue;_ - _That gives not half so great a blow to th' ear_ - _As will a chestnut in a farmer's fire?_ - _Tush! tush! fear boys with bugbears_.-- - _I fear none!_" - - * * * * * - -THE UNVEILING OF ISIS. - - There was a Vice-President, JUDGE, - Who proved a big fraud _à la Sludge:_ - But good Mrs. BESANT - Sighed "Let's keep things pleasant!" - And _Punch, à la Burchell_, cried "Fudge!" - "My dear ANNIE BESANT--or is it BES_ANT_?-- - Theosophy's trick, superstition and cant." - To lift Isis's veil was a difficult task, - But BLAVATSKY'S fox-nose - Is not hard to expose, - For that vulgar Isis wore only--a mask! - - * * * * * - - SHAKSPEARE FOR THE CURTAIN-LECTURED. - - --"The _rest_ is silence!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE UNTAMED SHREW; OR, WANTED A PETRUCHIO. - - "HER ONLY FAULT (AND THAT IS FAULTS ENOUGH) - IS, THAT SHE IS INTOLERABLY CURST, - AND SHREWD, AND FROWARD."--_Taming of the Shrew_, Act I., Scene 2.] - - * * * * * - -TALL TALES OF SPORT AND ADVENTURE. - -I.--THE PINK HIPPOPOTAMUS. (CONTINUED.) - -Shortly after the great victory of the Dead Marshes, the British -Army, under the command of Sir BONAMY BATTLEHORN, took possession -of Balmuggur, the capital of the country, known far and wide as the -Diamond City of the Ranee. There was a faint show of resistance, but -after I had defeated in single combat six picked mollahs of the Royal -Guard, the disheartened garrison laid down its arms, and the place -surrendered at discretion. We had brought HADJU THÂR MEEBHOY with -us, although, in his perforated condition, it was a matter of some -difficulty to transport him. Still it would have been barbarous to -leave him behind to the tender mercies of the neighbouring peasantry, -and we resolved to attempt his conveyance to Balmuggur. Fortunately -we succeeded beyond our most sanguine hopes. I was able to render him -some slight services on the march, and, after the city had fallen, I -paid him daily visits, during which I conceived a sincere and lasting -friendship for the gallant fellow whose only fault, after all, had -been the notion that he could defeat one who has never yet given way -an inch before the hottest attack even of overwhelming numbers. It was -quite touching to see his swarthy face brighten into a smile when I -entered the room. He looked forward eagerly to my daily visit, and -often told me that the simple tales of my courage and daring with -which I entertained him were of more use to him than all the ointments -and bandages and medicines with which dear old TOBY O'GRADY used to -treat his wound. On his side the MEEBHOY, too, was confidential. Many -an hour have I spent with him listening to his stories of court plot -and palace intrigue in Balmuggur, dark episodes of passion and crime -and sudden death. - -[Illustration: "I perceived the Ranee's Chamberlain."] - -One morning I was sitting as usual by the MEEBHOY'S bedside. I had -just related to him my adventure with the Lord Mayor of Dublin, -whom, as readers of contemporary journals will remember, I had been -compelled to chastise for the unpardonable affront of calling me by my -Christian name at a public meeting, by kicking him bodily from end to -end of the Rotunda, breaking three chandeliers as he spun through the -air, and imprinting the shape of his back on the opposite wall, where -it may still be observed by the curious. This adventure, and the story -of my subsequent escape from the dungeons of the Dublin Mansion -House, have rarely failed to extort applause from those to whom I -have narrated them. But on this occasion the MEEBHOY was silent and -_distrait_. He lay for some time drumming in an absent-minded way -with his fingers on the front aluminium door of his wound (the famous -operation had by this time been successfully performed), and made no -comment whatever on the tale I had related to him. Then suddenly -he turned, looked me full in the face, and addressed me. "Harkye, -Sirrah," he observed, "your story has interested me strangely; but -there is that in my mind which demands an exit. Methinks that they -who hold governance here mistake me strangely. Because I am all but -corpsed, they think they can neglect this JOHNNY. The Ranee has but -once sent a stable-helper to inquire after me. Grammercy, but such -treatment is scurvy, and I mean to show the old witch that HADJU THÂR -knows what's what, and, by Jingo, he's going to have it all the time. -That's so." I have forgotten, I think, to mention that my friend had -learnt his English in Seringapatam from such examples as he could -lay his hands on in that remote island, and the result was a certain -patchiness of style, which did not, however, by any means, interfere -with the vigour and fluency of his diction. - -"Do you suppose," I said, "that this slight is intentional? Really, I -cannot believe that the Ranee would willingly neglect so gallant and -devoted a servant." - -"That shows me you little know the Queen of the Diamond City. Why, -blow me tight, she's as artful as a cartload of monkeys, and in -profundity of design and daring of execution, she'd give a man-eating -tiger two stone and a handsome beating over any course you care to -name. But I am resolved to be avenged. Never shall it be said that -the descendant of a thousand kings had the comether put on him by -a cinder-faced old omadhaun like that. See here now," he continued, -drawing me closer to him, while he glanced furtively round and sank -his voice to a whisper, "it's yourself I'm talking to. Hast heard of -the Pink Hippopotamus?" - -"What!" I replied; "the sacred animal of the Seringapatamese, the -dweller in the inaccessible mountain fastness of Jam Tirnova, the -deathless guardian of the royal race of this island?" - -"The same," he answered calmly; "no mortal foot, save those of his -priests, has ever yet approached him. The perils are manifold, the -attempt is well nigh desperate, but you're not the game chicken I take -you for if you don't accomplish his capture and discomfit the haughty -Ranee. Crikey, but I'd like to hear the old gal squeal when they tell -her her bloomin' hippo's got took. Blime if I wouldn't." - -"But how shall I set about it, what steps ought I to take?" - -"Is it steps you mane? What in thunder is the man wanting? Here, boy, -take these papers. I have set down in them clearly how the matter -may best be undertaken. Peruse them and learn them well. If you have -resource, courage and prudence, within a week the prize shall be -yours, and the insult offered to me shall be expiated." - -With that he pressed a bundle of papers into my hand, and bade me -leave him. - -As I left the tent I heard a scuffling of feet. I darted in the -direction in which I thought they had gone, and there sure enough, -running as if he wanted to break a hundred yards record, I perceived -the Ranee's Chamberlain. I set off after him, nothing loth to give an -example of my speed. Besides, if the old fellow had overheard us our -doom was sealed; it was necessary to capture and silence him. In ten -strides I was close up to him. In another moment I was near enough to -seize him. I stretched out my hand to do so, when suddenly he gave -two short yells, turned round in a swift pirouette, and, before I had -realised what had happened, landed me a tremendous kick full on the -chest. The force of the blow was terrible, and only my iron bones -could have withstood it. Seeing that I still advanced he made at me -again. This time, however, I was too quick for him. I seized him by -his uplifted ankle, and, regardless of his appeal for mercy, whirled -him three times round my head and flung him from me. His shoe remained -in my hand, but beyond that no trace of the miserable Chamberlain -has ever been discovered. He simply vanished from human knowledge as -completely as though his body had been resolved into its elements. It -is true that Professor SPOOKS of the University of Caffraria declared -that a new meteor had on that very day appeared in South Africa -travelling eastwards. His discovery was scoffed at by the scientific, -but for my own part I have sometimes thought that, with a telescope -of sufficient power, the learned Professor might have been able -to establish an identity between his supposed comet and the lost -Chamberlain of the Ranee. - -Having thus dispatched my foe, I returned to my own quarters to study -the papers of the MEEBHOY. - -As I entered my room a terrible sight met my eyes. - -(_To be continued._) - - * * * * * - -The Great Trott-ing Match. - - [ALBERT TROTT, in the latest representative cricket match - between Mr. STODDART'S Eleven and All Australia, scored two - "not out" innings of 38 and 72, and took eight wickets for 43 - runs.] - - GIFFEN'S boys were this time, we may say without banter, - Eleven too many for stout "STODDART'S Lot"; - We oft read of matches as "won in a canter," - But this one was won, it would seem, by A. TROTT. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: AN APPLIED PROVERB. - -_Cabby._ "'ERE, I SAY! ONLY A BOB? WOT'S THIS?" - -_Footman._ "WHY, YOU 'AVEN'T DROVE THE YOUNG LADY ACROSS THE SQUARE!" - -_Cabby._ "THAT MAY BE. BUT IF 'A MISS IS AS GOOD AS A MILE,' SHE'S -EQUAL TO THREE MILES, AND OUGHT TO PAY MORE THAN DOUBLE FARE!"] - - * * * * * - -LETTER TO A DÉBUTANTE. - -DEAREST GLADYS,--I have been compiling a sort of dictionary for you, -with a view to your second season. I send you a few selections from -it--with notes of advice. - -_Art._ A subject of discussion; mild at tea-time, often heated after -dinner. [_Note._--Do not take sides. Mention that WHISTLER has -a picture in the Luxembourg, or say--with a smile or not, as the -occasion may suggest--that Sir FREDERIC is the President of the -Academy.] - -_Altruism._ Boring some people about other people. [_Note._--Never -encourage VIEWS. They take up too much valuable time.] - -_Beauty._ An expensive luxury. - -_Boy._ If "dear," any effective man under forty. If "horrid," -about twelve, and to be propitiated with nuts, knives and ships. -[_Note._--Do not offend him.] - -_Blasphemy._ Any discussion on religion. [_Note._--Look shocked, but -not bored.] - -_Coquetry._ A manner sometimes assumed by elderly ladies and very -young gentlemen. - -_Cynicism._ Truthfulness. - -_Duty._ Referred to by relations who wish to be disagreeable. -[_Note._--Change the subject.] - -_Divorce._ The occasional result of friendship. [_Note._--But you must -not know anything about it. Read only the leading articles.] - -_Eccentricity._ Talent. - -_Etiquette._ Provincialism. - -_Flirtation._ Once a favourite amusement, now dying out; but still -surviving at Clapham tennis-parties and Kensington subscription balls. - -_Foreigners._ Often decorative; generally dangerous. - -_Friendship._ The mutual dislike of people on intimate terms. Or, a -euphuism for love. - -_Failure._ An entertainment to which one has not been invited. - -_Goodness._ The conduct of one's mother. - -_Hygiene._ Never bothering about one's health. - -_Idiocy._ The opinions of those who differ from one. - -_Justice._ Enthusiastic praise of oneself. - -_Kleptomania._ Stealing things one doesn't want. - -_Love._ A subject not without interest. - -_Moonlight._ Depends on the other person. - -_Marriage._ The avowed and justifiable object in life of young girls. -The avowed and justifiable terror of bachelors. - -_Nature._ It has gone out of fashion, except in novels you must not -say you have read. - -_Obviousness._ To be guarded against. - -_Philosophy._ An innocent amusement. - -_Palmistry._ Only if he is really very nice. - -_Quarrel._ A proof of love, or of detestation. - -_Quixotism._ Defending the absent-minded. - -_Romance._ Friendship in London. [_Note._--Do not be so absurdly -credulous as to believe there is no such thing as Platonic affection. -It is extremely prevalent; in fact, there is hardly anything else.] - -_Sincerity._ Rudeness. - -_Toleration._ Culture. [_Note._--You may as well begin to be tolerant -at once, and save trouble. It is sure to come in time.] - -_Ugliness._ Rather fashionable. - -_Untidiness._ The picturesque way in which the other girl does her -hair. - -_Vanity._ Self-knowledge. - -_Wilfulness._ A desire to give pleasure to others. - -_Youth._ Appreciated in middle-age. - -_Zoological Gardens._ Of course not. Nobody goes there now. Besides, -you never know whom you may meet. - -There, GLADYS, dear! Write soon, and let me know when you are coming -back to London. Sleeves are larger than ever, and chinchilla---- But I -daresay you have heard. - - Ever your affectionate friend, - - MARJORIE. - - * * * * * - -"MY OLD DUTCH!"--See Exhibition of Old Masters' Works, Burlington -House. - - * * * * * - -A RENCONTRE. - -(_For investigation by the Psychical Society._) - - The way was long, the train was slow, - As local trains are wont to go, - A feeble ray of glimmering light - Strove vainly with the darkling night, - And scarce enabled me to see - The features of my _vis-à-vis_. - Pale was his brow: no paler grow - The snowdrops lurking in the snow; - Hollow his cheeks, and sunk his eyes - That gazed on me in mournful wise. - So strange a man I ne'er had seen, - So wan a look, so weird a mien, - And, as I eyed him, I confess - A feeling of uncanniness - Crept slowly over me and stole - Into the marrow of my soul. - Awhile we sped, nor spake a word; - Nought but the droning wheels was heard; - But as we journeyed on together, - By tentative degrees we fell - From observations on the weather - To talk of other things as well. - "I had a few hours off," said he; - "So I just ran across to see - The last inventions----I refer - To Kensington Museum, Sir. - You know it? What a grand display! - A splendid exhibition, eh? - I never saw so fine a show - Of coffins anywhere, you know! - And there is one that's simply sweet, - With handles, knobs, and plate complete!" - "A coffin!"--Cold a shudder ran - Adown me as I eyed the man. - "Aye, to be sure. What else?" he said. - "The one that's just been patented. - Why, my good Sir, I will engage - It is the marvel of the age; - For, mark you, they no longer use - Your clumsy, antiquated screws, - But just a simple catch and pin - That may be managed _from within!_" - He ceased, for we had reached a station - That chanced to be his destination. - "My home!" he murmured, with a sigh. - "Home--home! Sweet home!--Good-night!--Good-bye!" - "Good-night!" I answered; and my heart - Leaped when I saw his form depart. - But as we slowly glided past - The spot where I had seen him last, - Upon the station lamps, methought, - The letters of a name I caught. - I looked again.--My hair uprose, - The very soul within me froze, - For lo! upon the lamps was seen - The curdling legend--KENSAL GREEN! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: AT LITTLE PEDLINGTON. - -_Jones._ "DO YOU USE _GAS?_" - -_Village Operator._ "YES, SIR. BUT I MUCH PREFER _DAYLIGHT!_"] - - * * * * * - -SUGGESTIONS TO THE NIAGARA REAL ICE SKATING HALL MANAGER.--The floor -is perfect for skating, but, as there are many who do not skate, -why not have a "sliding roof"? and visitors to the latter not to be -charged full price, but admitted on a sliding scale. Nice to see Mr. -EDWARD SOLOMON, who, as conductor of the band, cuts a very pretty -figure. Dangerous, though, to the real ice, to have "Sol" so close to -it; that is, if there could be "melting moments." - - * * * * * - -THE LAUREATE SOCIETY. - -The annual general meeting of the Amalgamated British Society for -the Supply of Laureates to the public was held yesterday. There was -a numerous attendance of authors and reviewers with a sprinkling of -publishers. Mr. GRANT ALLEN was moved to the chair. The Chairman in -presenting the report of the Directors regretted that he was unable to -congratulate the Society on having accomplished the primary object of -its existence, the filling up of the vacant laureateship. He himself, -he said, had done his best. He had discovered a new sun in the -firmament of poetry at least once a month, and had never hesitated to -publish the name of his selection in one of the reviews. He was still -willing to take seven to four about Mr. JOHN DAVIDSON and Mr. FRANCIS -THOMPSON, Mr. WILLIAM WATSON barred. The balance-sheet of the Society -did not show a very flourishing state of affairs. As assets they could -enter fifteen sonnets, twelve irregularly rhymed odes (one by Mr. -RICHARD LE GALLIENNE), twenty-four volumes of a strictly limited -edition issued from the Bodley Head, four tons of the Yellow Book, and -an unpublished selection of manuscript poems written by a victim to -_delirium tremens_ whose name he was not at liberty to mention. On the -other side, however, they had to face the fact that their expenses had -been heavy. It was becoming more and more costly and difficult to -feed the public on geniuses, and he was inclined to advise the -discontinuance of this branch of the Society's operations. - -At this point some commotion was caused by Mr. LE GALLIENNE and -Mr. ARTHUR WAUGH, who rose simultaneously to protest against the -Chairman's remarks. Mr. LE GALLIENNE was so far carried away by his -agitation as to hurl a pamphlet at Mr. GRANT ALLEN'S head. In the -uproar which ensued, Mr. LE GALLIENNE could be heard ejaculating -"beautiful phrases," "richly-coloured musical sentences," "ideal and -transcendental," "nothing finer since LAMB," "all for eighteenpence," -and "a genius who sleeps below the wood-pigeons." The pamphlet thus -discharged proved to be by a Mr. JOHN EGLINTON, and Mr. LE GALLIENNE -was removed in the custody of a police-inspector, who was described by -Mr. WAUGH as a Philistine. - -When calm had been restored, Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN asked where he came -in. He had never allowed a birth, a wedding, or a death in the upper -circles of Royalty to pass unsung; and though he had been a constant -subscriber to the Society it didn't seem to have done him any good. -Besides, he had discovered Ireland last year. Mr. LEWIS MORRIS and -Mr. ERIC MACKAY made similar complaints. The latter offered to write -patriotic poems with plenty of rhymes in them against any other living -man. Would the meeting allow him to recite----? - -At this point the Chairman interposed, and said that the Directors had -decided against recitations--a statement which provoked loud murmurs -of dissatisfaction. Eventually, Mr. LE GALLIENNE (who had returned, -disguised in proof-sheets), proposed a vote of thanks to Mr. JOHN -DAVIDSON, who proposed a vote of thanks to Mr. GRANT ALLEN, who -proposed a vote of thanks to Mr. FRANCIS THOMPSON, who proposed a vote -of thanks to Mr. ARTHUR WAUGH, who proposed a vote of thanks to Mr. -JOHN LANE, who proposed a vote of thanks to Mr. LE GALLIENNE. All -these having been unanimously passed, the meeting broke up. - - * * * * * - -QUEER QUERIES.--WAR OF WORDS.--_À propos_ of Mr. PLOWDEN'S decision in -the "Flannelette case," can that worthy magistrate have foreseen some -of its effects? For instance, wanting to buy a sideboard, I went to a -furniture-dealer's, and saw one, apparently made of the best mahogany, -which took my fancy greatly. I casually asked of what wood it -was composed and was astonished to have the answer given me, -"Mahoganette," by the shop-walker. So I walked out of the shop. When -I _want_ painted deal I can inquire for that article. Again, I have -noticed during the last few days a great falling-off in my butter -(though not in its price). On my remonstrating, the seller frankly -admitted that the article was "butterette," not butter. "What does -'ette' mean?" I asked him. He said it meant "little," adding, with a -wink, that I should find "precious little butter, too." And this was -the case. What _are_ we coming to?--INDIGNANT. - - * * * * * - -"OYSTER _BARS_."--The prohibitive price of natives and the typhoid -scare. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: ANIMAL SPIRITS. - -NO. I--FOOTBALL. "THE ZAMBESI SCORCHERS."] - - * * * * * - -OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. - -The anonymous author of _"Spot," an Autobiography_ (HOULSTON AND SONS, -Paternoster Square), whoever he may be, has a remarkable insight into -dog-nature, so far, that is, as one who is not a dog, but a mere lover -of dogs, can judge. _Spot_ tells his own story in a straightforward, -honest, doggy style, which must commend him at once to the hearts -of his readers. His reflections, from the canine point of view, are -admirably just. He never cared for flowers. "How vapid," he says, -"is the scent of a rose, for instance, compared with that of an old -seasoned bone." The force of the remark must be appreciated by anyone -who has watched a dog exhuming with furtive labour a bone he had -buried a week before. A firm foe to cats, he yet makes an exception in -favour of his house-cat, as all civilised cat-destroying dogs do. The -bull-dog's greeting to him is, in itself, a revelation of character. -"Cheer up, youngster! Any good smells hereabouts?" says that -redoubtable animal; whereupon they saunter together round by the back -of the house, "passing few smells of any importance until we arrived -at the ashpit." But I cannot here quote at greater length from -his wise remarks. I can honestly advise all lovers of dogs (boys -especially) to read this wholesome, pleasant, clever little book. - - THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. - - * * * * * - -SLIGHT IMPROVEMENT.--France has "come to the Faure." That's good to -begin with, From a Republican to a "Bourgeois" Ministry is not much of -a step, but still it is a step, Faure-wards, or rather upwards, as a -conscientious, self-respecting Bourgeois can never be an anarchist. -LOUIS PHILIPPE was a "bourgeois king," and, after him, France "went -Nap" and returned to Imperialism. But where's the Imperialist ruler -now? Is the latest betting Faure to one on the Republic? - - * * * * * - -BLACK MAGIC. - - We'd done the latest picture-shows, - Had honoured some with our approval, - Expressed a cultured scorn for those - That merited a prompt removal. - And then, to pass the time away, - Disliking melodramas tragic, - We chanced to go--oh, hapless day!-- - To see some "feats of modern magic." - - I don't deny the tricks were good, - Nor could you easily see through them, - And few of those who "understood - Exactly how they're done," could do them. - But when the wizard said he'd try - To pass a watch to any distance, - And find it in the audience--why - Did I afford him my assistance? - - I thought to spoil the trick he'd planned, - Nor did I even feel embittered - When made before the crowd to stand, - Although my fair companions tittered, - But then the scoundrel in their view - Remarked, "Is this your usual habit?" - And from my pocket calmly drew - The watch--_suspended from a rabbit!_ - - The foolish people laughed and cheered, - And as I fled in hasty fashion, - My cousins even gaily jeered - Instead of showing me compassion! - I'd grant them almost any boon, - But though they ask it, never that form - Will grace, as on this afternoon, - A vulgar necromancer's platform! - - * * * * * - -RUMOUR.--As ruler of the domain where stands our great theatre and our -opera house, Sir DRUIOLANUS, it is reported, is to receive the special -distinction of K.C.G., which, in his case, is the Knight of Covent -Garden. _Bene meruit_. - - * * * * * - -VIEWING A HARE. - -(_And the Prospect of a Good Run_.) - -The Dramatic Arthurs Society is having a nice time of it just now -with ARTHUR PINERO, ARTHUR JONES, ARTHUR LAW, ARTHUR ROBERTS, _King -Arthur_, at the Lyceum, and ARTHUR À BECKET at the Garrick Theatre, -where _Faded Flowers_, revived, are once again blooming. It is -a pretty piece, well played by Mr. ARTHUR BOURCHIER--_encore un -Arthur_--and Mrs. BOURCHIER, known to the public as Miss VIOLET -VANBRUGH. A little TERRY boy, aged nine, is in it, and Mr. BUIST -does his very Buist, or best. The occasion of the revival was the -resuscitation of _A Pair of Spectacles_, in which Mr. JOHN HARE is -better than ever; and, indeed, he has made it one of his very -best eccentric comedy parts. Again Mr. GROVES delights us with his -hardwareish impersonation of "the man from Sheffield," a very happy -thought on the part of the author-adapter, Mr. GRUNDY. - -The occasion of the revival, too, was also noteworthy as being the -_début_ of another of the TERRY family, the _ingénue_ of the comedy -being played by Miss MABEL TERRY LEWIS, who certainly inherits no -small share of the TERRY Talent. Mr. GERALD DU MAURIER, too, is -excellent in a marvellously made-up small character part; and BERTIE -HARE--the heir of HARE--is very good as the youngster. Mr. HARE has -fitted on this "pair of spectacles" just in time; not to have done so -would have been shortsighted policy; and through them no doubt he sees -his way to a long and highly satisfactory run. These two revivals -Mr. HARE may consider not as "a pair of specs," but as "a couple of -certainties." - - PETER PROSIT. - - * * * * * - -WHY IS THE MODERN FICTIONIST LIKE A DOG-FANCIER?--Because he is so -fond of short tails. - - * * * * * - - - - -Transcriber's Note - -Page 46: _Friendship._ The mutual dislike of people on intimate terms. -Or, a euphuism for love. - -The writer (Marjorie) would appear to have confused 'euphuism' and -'euphemism', perhaps deliberate on the part of the contributer. - - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. -108, January 26, 1895, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 26, 1895 *** - -***** This file should be named 42481-8.txt or 42481-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/4/8/42481/ - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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