diff options
Diffstat (limited to '42481-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 42481-0.txt | 1253 |
1 files changed, 1253 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/42481-0.txt b/42481-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..860d332 --- /dev/null +++ b/42481-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1253 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42481 *** + + * * * * * + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 108. + +JANUARY 26, 1895. + + * * * * * + + + + +THE COMYNS AND THE GOIN'S OF ARTHUR. + +It was a pleasant sight, on the _première_ of _King Arthur_, to see +Mr. COMYNS CARR, poet, _littérateur_, art-critic, theatrical manager, +orator, journalist, dramatist, and not a few other things beside, +gravely bowing his acknowledgments as "_the_ Arthur of the piece" at +the Lyceum. Beshrew me, and by my halidome, he hath done his work with +so deft and cunning a hand as to puzzle not a little those who have +their GOETHE, their TENNYSON, and some of the most favourite plays of +WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE at their fingers' ends, and who are also more or +less acquainted with Wagnerian trilogies. + +We all know "KETTLE began it." Well, WAGNER begins this, in the +Prologue, with spirits and water, _i.e._, mere spirits getting along +swimmingly in a kind of Niebelungen lake-and-cavern scene. Not until +the curtain rose was any sort of attention paid to the music, which +might have therefore been the composition of NOAKES or STOKES, instead +of having been exquisitely written by King ARTHUR SULLIVAN. + +Enter _King Arthur Irving_ and _Merlin_ ("Charles his friend"), +suggestive of _Macbeth_ and _Banquo_, to see Wagnerian water-witches +in _The Colleen Bawn's_ cave. Wagnerian water-witches, disturbed by +the approach of gentlemen, swim away to regain, presumably, their +bathing-machines. Then Charles-his-friend _Merlin_ undertakes the +part of a kind of half-converted _Mephistopheles_, and shows the +_Faust-King-Arthur_ a "living picture" of _Guinevere_ as _Marguerite_ +in a vision. After this up comes a hand out of the water, bearing a +magnificently jewelled scabbard, in which, of course, is that blade of +the very first water, "_Excalibur_." + +_Arthur_ accepts the sword with thanks, observing that "if necessary +he will use it to make any cuts the piece may require." More chorus +of water-sprites, and end of prologue. _Merlin_, or a spirit, ought to +have sung "_Voici le sabre_." This chance was lost. + +The next scene is at Camelot, when in come a lot of knights in armour, +and the story begins in real earnest. Here is ELLEN TERRY, sweet and +majestic as the Burne-Jonesian _Queen Guinevere_, and here, too, is +FORBES-ROBERTSON as _Lancelot_, a part which he plays and looks to +perfection. The order has been given "All wigs abandon ye who enter +here," that is as far as the male principals are concerned; so they +all "keep their hair on," and thus HENRY IRVING in armour looks more +like the "Knight of the Woeful Countenance," or a moustachioless +_Don Quixote_, than the glorious Chairman of the Goodly Round Table +Company. + +_Sir Lancelot_ is compelled by "circumstances over which he has no +control" to remain behind at court, all through the selfishness of +_King Arthur_ (so unlike him, too, for once!), who fancies the Round +Table will be a trifle dull when all his "blooming companions have +faded and gone," and so the unfortunate young knight has to say to the +Queen, as Mr. CHEVALIER'S Coster sings to his "lidy-love," "_I'm +bound to keep on lovin' yer! d'yer 'ear?_" and he is watched by +_Macbeth-Mordred_ (Mr. FRANK COOPER) and his be-witching mother _Lady +Macbeth-Morgan-le-Fay_ (Miss GENEVIEVE WARD). + +[Illustration: _C-m-ns C-rr (rising to the occasion out of the mystic +mere)._ "Up I come with my little plot!"] + +In Act Two, while _Ellen-Guinevere_ and girls are out a-maying in one +of the most lovely of "As You Like it" woodland scenes (with a fool in +the forest, too) ever beheld on any stage, _Lady Macbeth-Morgan_ and +_Macbeth-Mordred_ overhear the love-making of _Guinny_ and _Lancy_; +and in Act Three these "two clever ones," as poor _Affery_ was wont +to style _Flintwich_ and _Mrs. Clennam_, reveal the truth to +_Arthur-Othello_, who has taken from the hand of the suicided +_Ophelia-Elaine_ (Miss LENA ASHWELL) a note, which assists him in +discovering the wickedness of sly _Sir Lancy_ and the giddy _Guinny_. +_Sir Lancy_ cries, "Strike on!" and _King Henry Irving Arthur_ is just +"on strike" when he exclaims "I cannot kill thee," and _Excalibur_, a +notably sharp blade on occasion, fails him now. _Lancy_ is banished; +and takes it very quietly, going out like a lamb. _King Arthur_ and +all the knights go off to the wars, leaving _Guinevere_ in charge of +_Sir Macbeth-Mordred_ and _Mrs. Morgan-le-Fay_, female professor of +necromancy, table-turning-medium, "parties attended," &c. + +In Act last _Guinevere_ is imprisoned in a tower, and is made love to +by that awfully Bad Knight, _Sir Mordred_, who seizes this chance of +playing _Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert_ to _Guinny's Rebecca_, only that +there is no window from which she can threaten to throw herself: and +so the wicked wooing comes to a rather tame conclusion. In the last +scene _Macbeth-Mordred_ and _Lady Morgan-Macbeth_ are now King and +Queen, and poor _Rebecca-Guinny_ is going to be burnt _à la Juive_, +when the herald's challenge is answered by a very Black Knight, +who keeps himself awfully dark, and who does not say, "I am RICHARD +C[OE]UR DE LION," but lifting his steel nose-protector (most useful +except when the Knight has a bad cold), reveals "The King!" Then comes +the fight--and ah, would that here one of the swords could have been +poisoned, and that _Mordred_, after slaying _Arthur_, should himself +have been stabbed to death by his own weapon, while at the same time +_Mrs. Morgan-le-Fay_ might have shouted, "See the Queen drinks to +_Arthur_," and then she could have drained a poisoned cup, and so +obtained her "_coup de grâce_." + +But no! COMYNS CARR would have none of this. The wicked flourish. +Someone said that _Sir Lancelot_ was killed "without," but I don't +believe it. My private opinion is that the sly dog _Lancy_ sneaked out +quietly, waited for _Guinevere_, and then they both went off together, +to Boulogne, or Monte Carlo maybe; that _Morgan-le-Fay_ took to +walking in her sleep and washing out little sanguinary spots on her +hand; and that _Mordred_ got an engagement in the provinces to play +_Iago_; while all that the audience know of _King Arthur_ is that he +went off with three Queens of the Night (perhaps signifying that +he ventured on a water-party with only three sovereigns) in a +barge,--perhaps "the craft of _Merlin_" mentioned by TENNYSON,--to +some place down the river, where he was said to be interred, and at +whose grave kept guard the well-known "Waterbury Watch." However all +this is but surmise. One thing is certain--that _King Arthur_ is still +alive, very much alive, and, like Lord ARTHUR of _Pantomime Rehearsal_ +fame, "going strong," at the Lyceum, for very many Arthurian nights to +come. _Le Roi Arthur est mort! Vive le Roi Arthur!_ + +Bravo, COMYNS! Well may he say to HENRY IRVING, "Eh, mon, whar's your +WULLIE SHAKSPEARE _noo?_" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SWORD EXCALIBUR. + +(_Scene from "King Arthur" up to date._) + +_Sir Bedivere M-rl-y_ (_timidly, but politely_). "SHALL I THROW THE +SWORD INTO THE MERE?" + +_King Arthur_ (_Sir W. V. H-rc-urt--disdainfully_). "'THROW THE SWORD +INTO THE MERE!' WHY, I HAVEN'T LOST THE SCABBARD YET, STOOPID!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOMETHING LIKE A CHARACTER. + +_Huntsman_ (_on being introduced to future Wife of M. F. H._). "PROUD +TO MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE, MISS! KNOWN THE CAPTING, MISS, FOR NIGH +ON TEN SEASONS, AND NEVER SAW 'IM TURN 'IS 'EAD FROM HANYTHING AS +WAS JUMPABLE! KNOWS A 'OSS AND KNOWS A 'OUND! CAN RIDE ONE AND 'UNT +T'OTHER; AND IF THAT AIN'T AS MUCH AS CAN BE LOOKED FOR IN A 'USBAND, +MISS, WHY, I'LL BE JIGGERED!"] + + * * * * * + +THE SWORD EXCALIBUR. + +_A Very Topsy-turvied Arthurian Legend Up-to-Date._ + +DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. + + King Arthur (_for this occasion_) Sir W. H-RC-URT. + The Bold Sir Bedivere Mr. J-HN M-RL-Y. + Sir Gawain (_just to oblige_) L-rd R-S-B-RY. + Mordred Mr. JN. R-DM-ND. + Sir Lancelot Mr. G----. + + Then, ere that last weird battle 'gainst the Lords, + There came on ARTHUR, sleeping, in his chair, + At Malwood--musing, by his own fireside, + After much totting up of Trade Returns, + And Navy Estimates--a whisper blown + Along a wandering wind, and in his ear + Went shrilling, "Hollow! hollow! Forfar! Brigg! + Our small majority shall pass away! + Farewell! There is thine Hampshire rest for thee, + But I am blown about a wandering wind, + And 'Follow! follow! follow!' day and night, + The fighting factions of our army cry + To me--their 'Leader!' And I cannot face + Five ways at once, and it's a beastly bore! + And if I could, how can I get a Bill + Passed by the Lords?" + And ARTHUR woke, and called, + "Who spake? A dream! O light upon the wind, + Thine, GAWAIN, was the voice--are these poor 'cries' + Thine? Or doth that same army, growing wild, + Mourn, wishing it had gone along with Me?" + + This heard the bold Sir BEDIVERE, and spake: + "O me, my Chief! to pass whatever Bill, + Upstairs, seems hopeless. Tory glamour clings + To all high places like a darkening cloud + For ever. Is it your intent to 'pass' + (In Tennysonian sense), since your Bills won't?" + + And ARTHUR said: "Sir BEDIVERE, blue funk + Sits ill upon a knight. GAWAIN is light-- + No one at least can say the same of _me!_" + (BEDIVERE murmured, "_No_, by--Behemoth!") + "I hear the steps of MORDRED in the West, + And with him many of the people by rights, + And thine, whom thou hast served, ungrateful grown, + The idiots!--splitting up their ranks--and ours! + But 'pass,' in Tennysonian sense? No fear! + I shall arise and smash 'em as of old!" + + Then to King ARTHUR spoke Sir BEDIVERE: + "Far other is this battle, our great test, + Whereto we move, than when great LANCELOT + (Now far cavorting in the snow at Cannes) + Thrust his great rival from St. Stephen's seats, + And shook him thro' the North. Ill doom is ours + To war against our rivals, and each other. + The chief who fights old followers fights himself, + And they, old friends who loved us once, the stroke + We strike at them is a back-stroke to us. + Nay, even the stroke of your Excalibur + Hath scarcely its old swashing force. Men say + It shall not strike again,--men whisper so!-- + That she, the Lady of the Hibernian Lake, + Awaiteth its return. Ah! you unsheath it! + Say, must I take it--take Excalibur, + And fling it far into the middle mere, + Mark what occurs, and lightly bring you word?" + + Then spake King ARTHUR to Sir BEDIVERE:-- + "O sombre Little-faith, miscalled the Bold! + _Not if I know it!_ 'Tis a beauteous blade-- + Broad, and bejewelled, and but lately gript + By my long-waiting hand. I have it now, + And if indeed I cast the brand away, + Surely a craven donkey I shall be! + What good should follow this, if this were done? + What harm undone? By George! Sir BEDIVERE, + 'Twixt frivolling GAWAIN and too doleful you, + I have a pretty pair of knightly pals,-- + Nay, I mean palfry'd knights!--to back me up. + Is this the loyalty of the Table Round? + Were MORDRED a worse traitor? or e'en he, + The Midland Knight, who pushes for my place + As he did for Sir LANCELOT'S? Oh, get out! + What should my dauntless Derby henchmen say + Should I, on Wednesday, show the feather white + And say I'd chucked the sword Excalibur + Away, unchallenged, in a fit of funk? + I lose the sword? _I've not yet lost the scabbard!_ + Nay, I shall flash it flaming in their sight, + And brandish it, and promise swashing blows + Of the keen blade, as ofttimes heretofore. + I'll outshine TENNYSON, out-hero IRVING! + Trust me 'tis not yet time for that weird arm, + 'Clothed in white samite, mystic, wonderful,' + To emerge from out the misty middle-mere + And snatch from Me the Sword Excalibur!" + + [_Freezes on to it._ + + * * * * * + +CERTAIN.--Mr. KATO, the new Japanese Minister to Great Britain, is +expected to be a success. On hearing his arguments, the observation +that will spring to Lord ROSEBERY'S lips will be, "KATO, thou +reasonest well." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FRIENDLY WARNING. + +_First Tramp._ "I WADNA ADVISE YE TAE GANG UP THERE!" + +_Second Tramp._ "WHAT WYE? IS THERE A MUCKLE DOUG?" + +_First Tramp._ "NO; BUT THERES A DANGER O' WARK!"] + + * * * * * + +THAT PRECIOUS DONKEY! + +(_An Episode in the Life of A. Briefless, Junior, Esq., +Barrister-at-Law, in Three Parts._) + +PART III.--_The Apotheosis of the Picture._ + +Those who have done me the distinguished honour of reading the +story of my find of a genuine VON BÖOTZ (in my agitation last week I +referred erroneously to the great master as Old BOOTS) will remember +that I had got to the point where the picture I now so deeply prized +had been removed by the handy-man to be sold, no doubt, at a crushing +sacrifice. When put to it (as all my friends know) I am a man of an +iron will and a steel determination. There is no sacrifice I will not +make to carry a fixed plan into execution. It was this iron will and +steel determination that enabled me (somewhat late in life) to conquer +the apparently adamant intention of the Examiners at Lincoln's Inn and +get called to the Bar. At this crisis in my life's history the reserve +forces of my nature came to my assistance, and inspired me to hurry +without a moment's delay to the dwelling-place of WILKINS. + +Before discovering that the VON BÖOTZ had been removed I had assumed +(as it is my wont after returning from Pump-Handle Court) my slippers. +Without waiting to amend my costume, without lingering to recover my +umbrella (now reclining in its stand, seemingly exchanging confidences +with my walking-stick), I started for Panorama Place, Nine Sisters +Road, Rixton Rise. The lady who has honoured me by accepting my +name had furnished me with this address--the abode of the +unconsciously-fugitive WILKINS. Without a moment's hesitation I hailed +and entered a four-wheeler. + +"Panorama Place, Nine Sisters Road, Rixton Rise," I said in the tone +of the late Duke of WELLINGTON ordering the advance of the Guards at +Waterloo. + +The cabman shook his head, then seemingly pondered, then looked at me. +"Is it near the 'Green Compasses'?" he asked, after a pause of intense +thought. + +I have always considered Mr. WILKINS a model of sobriety. But then I +have only known him in the hours devoted to duty, to the sweeping +of kitchen chimneys, to the re-building of wash-houses, to the +re-papering of studies, to the removal of grand pianos from basement +to attic, and other little domestic offices. In his moments of +relaxation he may be a genial _viveur_, and in this character was more +likely than not to live in close proximity to the no doubt hospitable +tavern to which the driver had referred. So I answered my Jehu that +I thought it exceedingly possible that Mr. WILKINS did dwell near +the "Green Compasses." We started, and after a drive for which I was +charged (and in my opinion rightly charged) five-and-sixpence, arrived +safely at Panorama Place, Nine Sisters Road, Rixton Rise. + +The shadow of anxiety that had followed me through what I may be +permitted to term my hackney peregrinations had passed away. I had +feared that when I had successfully tracked out Mr. WILKINS to his +suburban nest I should find him flown. But no, the eagle had not +lost the child, the handy man was still the possessor of my pictorial +treasure. At least so I presumed, as he smiled when I put to him the +all-important question, "Where is my VON BÖOTZ?" + +"This is what I have done with him, Sir," said my house-renovator, +leading me gently into what I take must have been his study. The +apartment was furnished with two spades, a saw, two hammers, a pot of +glue, a model of a fire-engine, a couple of stools, and a sideboard. + +"Look at this little lot, Sir," cried Mr. WILKINS, whipping off a +cloth, and exposing to view two earthenware flower-vases, and a small +model (in chalk) of an easily illuminated (there was a receptacle in +the interior large enough to contain a taper) cathedral. + +"What are these?" I demanded, in a voice more or less suggestive of +thunder. + +"That's what he gave me for the picture, and, asking your pardon, +Sir, I think I have done well with him. It was one of those Italian +image-men, who took a fancy to it. He offered at first only those +vases. Then he sprang to a statuette of GARIBALDI. But, after a deal +of discussion, I got him to chuck in Westminster Abbey, Sir, which, as +you see, can be lighted up magnificent." + +For a moment I was struck speechless with sorrow and indignation. No +doubt the foreign hawker, having received an art education in Italy +(the renowned dwelling-place of the Muses), had recognised the value +of my picture, and had----. I paused in my train of thought, and +jumped from despair to joy. There, resting on a newly-renovated +perambulator, was my Old Master. I almost wept as I recognised my +nearly lost VON BÖOTZ. + +"But there it is!" I hoarsely whispered, pointing to the picture. + +"The canvas, yes Sir--the Italian chap only wanted the frame. He +called the donkey lot rubbish." + +Again my iron will and steel determination came to the front. To +secure the canvas, charter another four-wheeler, and deposit myself +and my prize within the cab's depths was the work of not more than +five-and-twenty minutes. I drove as hurriedly as the congested traffic +would permit to the house of a well-known connoisseur. I sent up +my card, and was immediately admitted. The celebrated critic was a +perfect stranger to me. + +"This must serve as an introduction," I said, and exposed my VON BÖOTZ +to view. The connoisseur inspected the canvas, the leaden sky, and +the villagers with languid interest. At last his gaze fell upon the +presentment of the donkey. His eyes sparkled, his cheeks flushed with +excitement; and although he was evidently attempting to master his +emotion, he almost shouted "Magnificent!" + +"Are not the ears splendid?" I asked. + +"Splendid? Glorious! Immortal!" + +"Have you seen anything to equal the mane?" + +"Never! Emphatically, never!" + +And then the art connoisseur shook me by both hands. Then we once +more inspected the donkey's ears, and in our delight nearly rose and +floated from the floor in a sort of medieval saint-like ecstasy. + +"You see it has one fault," my conscience made me say; "it has no +signature." + +"A proof that it is a genuine VON BÖOTZ. The grand old forger never +signed anything except copies. As you know, he was scarcely ever +sober, and in his drunken moods used to write his name on any kind of +canvas at the rate of a tumbler of port a signature." + +"And it is only right to add," I continued, in my character of Devil's +Advocate, and using a piece of information I had picked up from +APPLEBLOSSOM, Q.C., "that it is not in the least like a print which is +supposed to be a contemporaneous engraving." + +"The best possible proof that it is an original. Old VON +BÖOTZ--glorious old scoundrel--never painted anything that was really +reproduced. He preferred to betray his public by signing the works of +subordinates. That's the reason why he is so scarce. Oh, those ears!" + +And the art connoisseur and I returned to our medieval saint-like +ecstasy. I am almost certain that, carried away by our enthusiasm, we +floated from the carpet. After a while I thought it time to return +to what the Philistine (by the way, all things considered, a very +reasonable fellow) would call "business." I suggested that it was for +sale. + +"No, my dear Sir," corrected the critic; "not for sale. The VON BÖOTZ +must be mine. You will not be so cruel as to deny me. I am the master +of tens of thousands--nay, I might say without exaggeration--hundreds +of thousands. If you will leave yourself in my hands, I think you will +find that I am a man of honour." + +He sat down at a desk which I now noticed was made of ebony and +decorated with old gold and diamonds, and other precious stones. He +drew a cheque. Then he rose to give it to me. But as he passed the +picture it once more attracted his attention. He resumed his medieval +saint-like ecstasy for a second, and then returned to his desk. + +"I must be honest," he murmured as he filled in the figures of another +cheque. Then he turned to me. "You must pardon me for giving you the +purchase-money in two drafts; but my first cheque exhausted my account +at one bank, and I had to draw upon my balance at another to supply +the necessary residue." + +I nearly fainted when I read the amounts. + +"Not a word," said the art connoisseur as he shook me by the hand. +"Although you have, I confess, half my fortune, I am richer than I was +when I met you. The VON BÖOTZ--_my_ VON BÖOTZ--is simply of priceless +value." + +And so the picture that had been sent to the box-room and narrowly +escaped the uncultured clutch of the Italian image-man, had raised +me from comparative poverty to superlative affluence. I paid in the +cheques at my bankers, and a murmur went up from the clerks, and the +manager waylaid me at the door to press my hand. Then I drove to my +favourite stores and purchased a trifle in diamonds to present to +my wife. Fortunately, I had my chequebook with me, or otherwise my +deposit account would have been overdrawn by a thousand. + +"To-morrow," I said to my better (from a spiritual, not a financial +point of view) seven-eights, "we will acquire the nine-hundred-ton +yacht, the best part of Norway, and the Palace at Venice. The latter +will cost a few more thousands than I care to spend. But I suppose the +foreign dukedom that comes with it in itself is almost worth the five +figures. To-morrow I must see if I cannot secure that Colonelcy of +Yeomanry. Then, if you like dear, we will take the six centre boxes in +the grand tier at Covent Garden for the season, and----" + +"Oh, I am so happy!" almost wept the partner of my joys and sorrows; +"and to think that we should have sent the mine of all this prosperity +into the box-room!" + +"Yes dear," I replied. "It was you, dear, who always wanted to be free +of it." + +"I told you, sweet one," was the triumphant response, "to get rid of +it, and are you not now pleased that you took my advice?" + +And I admitted I was. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PAST AND PRESENT. + +_Serious and much-Married Man._ "MY DEAR FRIEND, I _WAS_ ASTONISHED TO +HEAR OF _YOUR_ DINING AT MADAME TROISÉTOILES!--A 'WOMAN WITH A PAST,' +YOU KNOW!" + +_The Friend_ (_Bachelor "unattached"_). "WELL, YOU SEE, OLD MAN, SHE'S +GOT A FIRST-RATE _CHEF_, SO IT ISN'T HER 'PAST,' BUT HER 'RE-PAST' +THAT _I_ CARE ABOUT."] + + * * * * * + +IN PRAISE OF PENTONVILLE. + + ["The healthiest place in England is Pentonville + Prison."--_Daily Graphic._] + + Is it sadey ye're falin' an' pale, me bhoy, + Loike a sprat that has swallered a whale, me bhoy? + The best thing Oi know + Is a sixer or so + On skilly an' wather in jail, me bhoy. + Ye're free from all koinds o' temptations, lad, + Ye can't overate on thim rations, lad, + There's so much a-head + O' skilly an' bread + Accordin' to jail regulations, lad. + + They trate ye wid fatherly care, me bhoy, + They tell ye o' what to beware, me bhoy, + They tache ye to be + Teetotal, ye see, + For 'tis nothin' but wather is there, me bhoy. + So, whin ye're beginnin' to fale, me lad, + That ye've dhrunk enough whisky an' ale, me lad, + The best of all ways + To lengthen your days + Is to spind a few wakes in the jail, me lad! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TOAST. + +_Mamma._ "TO-DAY'S OUR WEDDING-DAY, TOMMY. YOU SHOULD STAND UP AND +DRINK ALL OUR HEALTHS." + +_Tommy_ (_rising to the occasion_). "CERTAINLY. +FATHER--MOTHER--AND"--(_pointing to himself_)--"THE RESULT!"] + + * * * * * + +THE UNTAMED SHREW; + +OR, WANTED A PETRUCHIO. + +(_A Shakspearian Foreshadowing of the Situation in France._) + + Prophetic Swan! To picture in advance + The future's pageantry of personage + And scene was thine unique prerogative; + So easily thy creations take the mould + Of aftertimes and characters unborn. + Paris to-day seems Padua, thy fair shrew, + The tricksy termagant, "curst _Katharine_," + The Paduan _Xantippe_, prickly, perverse, + Yet fascinating vixen, dons to-day + A Gallic guise, and fumes in French, and flounces + In skirts _à la République_. + What said _Gremio?_ + "_Your gifts are so good, here's none will hold you!_" + And who may hold the fair Lutetian shrew? + No man, "I wis," is "_half-way to her heart_ + _But if he were, doubt not her care should be_ + _To comb his noddle with a three-legg'd stool_, + _And paint his face_, _and use him like a fool_." + Here's _Katharine_--but where's _Petruchio?_ + + "_What! shall I be appointed hours_, _as though_, _belike_ + _I knew not what to take_, _and what to leave_, _ha!_" + There speaks the sweet-faced shrew, and takes to-day + What she will leave to-morrow. Yet she shines + In the description of _Hortensio_. + "_With wealth enough_, _and young_, _and beauteous;_ + _Brought up as best becomes a gentlewoman;_ + _Her only fault (and that is faults enough)_ + _Is_, _that she is intolerably curst_, + _And shrewd_, _and froward: so beyond all measure_, + _That_, _were my state far worser than it is_, + _I would not wed her for a mine of gold_." + And yet there be good fellows in the world, + 'An a man could but haply light on them, + Would take the veriest vixen "_with all faults_." + And many a one hath said, or seemed to say, + "_For I will board her_, _though she chide as loud_ + _As thunder_, _when the clouds in autumn crack_." + But with what issue? Like _Hortensio_, + His head is broken by the vixen's lute, + Ere he hath time to teach her government + Of frets or stops, or skilful fingering. + How many, with _Hortensio_, might say, + When asked if he could break her to the lute,-- + "_Why_, _no; for she hath broke the lute to me_. + _I did but tell her_, _she mistook her frets_, + _And bow'd her hand to teach her fingering;_ + _When with a most impatient devilish spirit_, + 'Frets, call you these?' _quoth she:_ 'I'll fume with them:' + _And with that word_, _she struck me on the head_, + _And through the instrument my pate made way;_ + _And there I stood amazed for a while_, + _As on a pillory_, _looking through the lute:_ + _While she did call me_, _rascal fiddler_, + _And twangling Jack; with twenty such vile terms_, + _As she had studied to misuse me so_. + + Her masters have not learned true mastery, + And he, her latest would-be teacher, turns + Too prompt and pusillanimous a back + Upon his wilful pupil, beaten off + Quicker than buffeted _Hortensio_ + In poor, poltroonish, post-deserting flight; + Leaving the lute whose harmonies his hand + Should have bowed hers to, broken and unstrung, + In the shrew's angry and outrageous grasp: + See how the Gallic _Katharine_ in her fume, + Flouting all mastery, flouncing uncontrolled + In furious anger, flings the shattered lute, + Unstrung, aside, as did the Paduan shrew, + Spurning all government--till _Petruchio_ came! + + "_Come_, _come you wasp; i' faith you are too angry!_" + So, in _Petruchio's_ words, say France's friends. + Whilst foes and half-allies look doubtful on, + From the chill Eastward or more genial North, + Wondering what stable faith, in love or hate, + May rest upon such shifting shrewishness. + Where waits _Petruchio_, and will he come + In purple velvet, or in soldier steel, + Or simple, civic, hero-covering cloth, + To tame this _Katharine_ of the Phrygian cap, + And smiling, in the mocking calm of power, + Say of the shrew, like him of Padua:-- + "_Think you a little din can daunt mine ears?_ + _Have I not in my time heard lion's roar?_ + _Have I not heard the sea_, _puff'd up with winds_, + _Rage like an angry boar chafèd with sweat?_ + _Have I not heard great ordnance in the field_, + _And heaven's artillery thunder in the skies?_ + _Have I not in a pitched battle heard_ + _Loud 'larums_, _neighing steeds_, _and trumpets' clang?_ + _And do you tell me of a woman's tongue;_ + _That gives not half so great a blow to th' ear_ + _As will a chestnut in a farmer's fire?_ + _Tush! tush! fear boys with bugbears_.-- + _I fear none!_" + + * * * * * + +THE UNVEILING OF ISIS. + + There was a Vice-President, JUDGE, + Who proved a big fraud _à la Sludge:_ + But good Mrs. BESANT + Sighed "Let's keep things pleasant!" + And _Punch, à la Burchell_, cried "Fudge!" + "My dear ANNIE BESANT--or is it BES_ANT_?-- + Theosophy's trick, superstition and cant." + To lift Isis's veil was a difficult task, + But BLAVATSKY'S fox-nose + Is not hard to expose, + For that vulgar Isis wore only--a mask! + + * * * * * + + SHAKSPEARE FOR THE CURTAIN-LECTURED. + + --"The _rest_ is silence!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE UNTAMED SHREW; OR, WANTED A PETRUCHIO. + + "HER ONLY FAULT (AND THAT IS FAULTS ENOUGH) + IS, THAT SHE IS INTOLERABLY CURST, + AND SHREWD, AND FROWARD."--_Taming of the Shrew_, Act I., Scene 2.] + + * * * * * + +TALL TALES OF SPORT AND ADVENTURE. + +I.--THE PINK HIPPOPOTAMUS. (CONTINUED.) + +Shortly after the great victory of the Dead Marshes, the British +Army, under the command of Sir BONAMY BATTLEHORN, took possession +of Balmuggur, the capital of the country, known far and wide as the +Diamond City of the Ranee. There was a faint show of resistance, but +after I had defeated in single combat six picked mollahs of the Royal +Guard, the disheartened garrison laid down its arms, and the place +surrendered at discretion. We had brought HADJU THÂR MEEBHOY with +us, although, in his perforated condition, it was a matter of some +difficulty to transport him. Still it would have been barbarous to +leave him behind to the tender mercies of the neighbouring peasantry, +and we resolved to attempt his conveyance to Balmuggur. Fortunately +we succeeded beyond our most sanguine hopes. I was able to render him +some slight services on the march, and, after the city had fallen, I +paid him daily visits, during which I conceived a sincere and lasting +friendship for the gallant fellow whose only fault, after all, had +been the notion that he could defeat one who has never yet given way +an inch before the hottest attack even of overwhelming numbers. It was +quite touching to see his swarthy face brighten into a smile when I +entered the room. He looked forward eagerly to my daily visit, and +often told me that the simple tales of my courage and daring with +which I entertained him were of more use to him than all the ointments +and bandages and medicines with which dear old TOBY O'GRADY used to +treat his wound. On his side the MEEBHOY, too, was confidential. Many +an hour have I spent with him listening to his stories of court plot +and palace intrigue in Balmuggur, dark episodes of passion and crime +and sudden death. + +[Illustration: "I perceived the Ranee's Chamberlain."] + +One morning I was sitting as usual by the MEEBHOY'S bedside. I had +just related to him my adventure with the Lord Mayor of Dublin, +whom, as readers of contemporary journals will remember, I had been +compelled to chastise for the unpardonable affront of calling me by my +Christian name at a public meeting, by kicking him bodily from end to +end of the Rotunda, breaking three chandeliers as he spun through the +air, and imprinting the shape of his back on the opposite wall, where +it may still be observed by the curious. This adventure, and the story +of my subsequent escape from the dungeons of the Dublin Mansion +House, have rarely failed to extort applause from those to whom I +have narrated them. But on this occasion the MEEBHOY was silent and +_distrait_. He lay for some time drumming in an absent-minded way +with his fingers on the front aluminium door of his wound (the famous +operation had by this time been successfully performed), and made no +comment whatever on the tale I had related to him. Then suddenly +he turned, looked me full in the face, and addressed me. "Harkye, +Sirrah," he observed, "your story has interested me strangely; but +there is that in my mind which demands an exit. Methinks that they +who hold governance here mistake me strangely. Because I am all but +corpsed, they think they can neglect this JOHNNY. The Ranee has but +once sent a stable-helper to inquire after me. Grammercy, but such +treatment is scurvy, and I mean to show the old witch that HADJU THÂR +knows what's what, and, by Jingo, he's going to have it all the time. +That's so." I have forgotten, I think, to mention that my friend had +learnt his English in Seringapatam from such examples as he could +lay his hands on in that remote island, and the result was a certain +patchiness of style, which did not, however, by any means, interfere +with the vigour and fluency of his diction. + +"Do you suppose," I said, "that this slight is intentional? Really, I +cannot believe that the Ranee would willingly neglect so gallant and +devoted a servant." + +"That shows me you little know the Queen of the Diamond City. Why, +blow me tight, she's as artful as a cartload of monkeys, and in +profundity of design and daring of execution, she'd give a man-eating +tiger two stone and a handsome beating over any course you care to +name. But I am resolved to be avenged. Never shall it be said that +the descendant of a thousand kings had the comether put on him by +a cinder-faced old omadhaun like that. See here now," he continued, +drawing me closer to him, while he glanced furtively round and sank +his voice to a whisper, "it's yourself I'm talking to. Hast heard of +the Pink Hippopotamus?" + +"What!" I replied; "the sacred animal of the Seringapatamese, the +dweller in the inaccessible mountain fastness of Jam Tirnova, the +deathless guardian of the royal race of this island?" + +"The same," he answered calmly; "no mortal foot, save those of his +priests, has ever yet approached him. The perils are manifold, the +attempt is well nigh desperate, but you're not the game chicken I take +you for if you don't accomplish his capture and discomfit the haughty +Ranee. Crikey, but I'd like to hear the old gal squeal when they tell +her her bloomin' hippo's got took. Blime if I wouldn't." + +"But how shall I set about it, what steps ought I to take?" + +"Is it steps you mane? What in thunder is the man wanting? Here, boy, +take these papers. I have set down in them clearly how the matter +may best be undertaken. Peruse them and learn them well. If you have +resource, courage and prudence, within a week the prize shall be +yours, and the insult offered to me shall be expiated." + +With that he pressed a bundle of papers into my hand, and bade me +leave him. + +As I left the tent I heard a scuffling of feet. I darted in the +direction in which I thought they had gone, and there sure enough, +running as if he wanted to break a hundred yards record, I perceived +the Ranee's Chamberlain. I set off after him, nothing loth to give an +example of my speed. Besides, if the old fellow had overheard us our +doom was sealed; it was necessary to capture and silence him. In ten +strides I was close up to him. In another moment I was near enough to +seize him. I stretched out my hand to do so, when suddenly he gave +two short yells, turned round in a swift pirouette, and, before I had +realised what had happened, landed me a tremendous kick full on the +chest. The force of the blow was terrible, and only my iron bones +could have withstood it. Seeing that I still advanced he made at me +again. This time, however, I was too quick for him. I seized him by +his uplifted ankle, and, regardless of his appeal for mercy, whirled +him three times round my head and flung him from me. His shoe remained +in my hand, but beyond that no trace of the miserable Chamberlain +has ever been discovered. He simply vanished from human knowledge as +completely as though his body had been resolved into its elements. It +is true that Professor SPOOKS of the University of Caffraria declared +that a new meteor had on that very day appeared in South Africa +travelling eastwards. His discovery was scoffed at by the scientific, +but for my own part I have sometimes thought that, with a telescope +of sufficient power, the learned Professor might have been able +to establish an identity between his supposed comet and the lost +Chamberlain of the Ranee. + +Having thus dispatched my foe, I returned to my own quarters to study +the papers of the MEEBHOY. + +As I entered my room a terrible sight met my eyes. + +(_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + +The Great Trott-ing Match. + + [ALBERT TROTT, in the latest representative cricket match + between Mr. STODDART'S Eleven and All Australia, scored two + "not out" innings of 38 and 72, and took eight wickets for 43 + runs.] + + GIFFEN'S boys were this time, we may say without banter, + Eleven too many for stout "STODDART'S Lot"; + We oft read of matches as "won in a canter," + But this one was won, it would seem, by A. TROTT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN APPLIED PROVERB. + +_Cabby._ "'ERE, I SAY! ONLY A BOB? WOT'S THIS?" + +_Footman._ "WHY, YOU 'AVEN'T DROVE THE YOUNG LADY ACROSS THE SQUARE!" + +_Cabby._ "THAT MAY BE. BUT IF 'A MISS IS AS GOOD AS A MILE,' SHE'S +EQUAL TO THREE MILES, AND OUGHT TO PAY MORE THAN DOUBLE FARE!"] + + * * * * * + +LETTER TO A DÉBUTANTE. + +DEAREST GLADYS,--I have been compiling a sort of dictionary for you, +with a view to your second season. I send you a few selections from +it--with notes of advice. + +_Art._ A subject of discussion; mild at tea-time, often heated after +dinner. [_Note._--Do not take sides. Mention that WHISTLER has +a picture in the Luxembourg, or say--with a smile or not, as the +occasion may suggest--that Sir FREDERIC is the President of the +Academy.] + +_Altruism._ Boring some people about other people. [_Note._--Never +encourage VIEWS. They take up too much valuable time.] + +_Beauty._ An expensive luxury. + +_Boy._ If "dear," any effective man under forty. If "horrid," +about twelve, and to be propitiated with nuts, knives and ships. +[_Note._--Do not offend him.] + +_Blasphemy._ Any discussion on religion. [_Note._--Look shocked, but +not bored.] + +_Coquetry._ A manner sometimes assumed by elderly ladies and very +young gentlemen. + +_Cynicism._ Truthfulness. + +_Duty._ Referred to by relations who wish to be disagreeable. +[_Note._--Change the subject.] + +_Divorce._ The occasional result of friendship. [_Note._--But you must +not know anything about it. Read only the leading articles.] + +_Eccentricity._ Talent. + +_Etiquette._ Provincialism. + +_Flirtation._ Once a favourite amusement, now dying out; but still +surviving at Clapham tennis-parties and Kensington subscription balls. + +_Foreigners._ Often decorative; generally dangerous. + +_Friendship._ The mutual dislike of people on intimate terms. Or, a +euphuism for love. + +_Failure._ An entertainment to which one has not been invited. + +_Goodness._ The conduct of one's mother. + +_Hygiene._ Never bothering about one's health. + +_Idiocy._ The opinions of those who differ from one. + +_Justice._ Enthusiastic praise of oneself. + +_Kleptomania._ Stealing things one doesn't want. + +_Love._ A subject not without interest. + +_Moonlight._ Depends on the other person. + +_Marriage._ The avowed and justifiable object in life of young girls. +The avowed and justifiable terror of bachelors. + +_Nature._ It has gone out of fashion, except in novels you must not +say you have read. + +_Obviousness._ To be guarded against. + +_Philosophy._ An innocent amusement. + +_Palmistry._ Only if he is really very nice. + +_Quarrel._ A proof of love, or of detestation. + +_Quixotism._ Defending the absent-minded. + +_Romance._ Friendship in London. [_Note._--Do not be so absurdly +credulous as to believe there is no such thing as Platonic affection. +It is extremely prevalent; in fact, there is hardly anything else.] + +_Sincerity._ Rudeness. + +_Toleration._ Culture. [_Note._--You may as well begin to be tolerant +at once, and save trouble. It is sure to come in time.] + +_Ugliness._ Rather fashionable. + +_Untidiness._ The picturesque way in which the other girl does her +hair. + +_Vanity._ Self-knowledge. + +_Wilfulness._ A desire to give pleasure to others. + +_Youth._ Appreciated in middle-age. + +_Zoological Gardens._ Of course not. Nobody goes there now. Besides, +you never know whom you may meet. + +There, GLADYS, dear! Write soon, and let me know when you are coming +back to London. Sleeves are larger than ever, and chinchilla---- But I +daresay you have heard. + + Ever your affectionate friend, + + MARJORIE. + + * * * * * + +"MY OLD DUTCH!"--See Exhibition of Old Masters' Works, Burlington +House. + + * * * * * + +A RENCONTRE. + +(_For investigation by the Psychical Society._) + + The way was long, the train was slow, + As local trains are wont to go, + A feeble ray of glimmering light + Strove vainly with the darkling night, + And scarce enabled me to see + The features of my _vis-à-vis_. + Pale was his brow: no paler grow + The snowdrops lurking in the snow; + Hollow his cheeks, and sunk his eyes + That gazed on me in mournful wise. + So strange a man I ne'er had seen, + So wan a look, so weird a mien, + And, as I eyed him, I confess + A feeling of uncanniness + Crept slowly over me and stole + Into the marrow of my soul. + Awhile we sped, nor spake a word; + Nought but the droning wheels was heard; + But as we journeyed on together, + By tentative degrees we fell + From observations on the weather + To talk of other things as well. + "I had a few hours off," said he; + "So I just ran across to see + The last inventions----I refer + To Kensington Museum, Sir. + You know it? What a grand display! + A splendid exhibition, eh? + I never saw so fine a show + Of coffins anywhere, you know! + And there is one that's simply sweet, + With handles, knobs, and plate complete!" + "A coffin!"--Cold a shudder ran + Adown me as I eyed the man. + "Aye, to be sure. What else?" he said. + "The one that's just been patented. + Why, my good Sir, I will engage + It is the marvel of the age; + For, mark you, they no longer use + Your clumsy, antiquated screws, + But just a simple catch and pin + That may be managed _from within!_" + He ceased, for we had reached a station + That chanced to be his destination. + "My home!" he murmured, with a sigh. + "Home--home! Sweet home!--Good-night!--Good-bye!" + "Good-night!" I answered; and my heart + Leaped when I saw his form depart. + But as we slowly glided past + The spot where I had seen him last, + Upon the station lamps, methought, + The letters of a name I caught. + I looked again.--My hair uprose, + The very soul within me froze, + For lo! upon the lamps was seen + The curdling legend--KENSAL GREEN! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT LITTLE PEDLINGTON. + +_Jones._ "DO YOU USE _GAS?_" + +_Village Operator._ "YES, SIR. BUT I MUCH PREFER _DAYLIGHT!_"] + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTIONS TO THE NIAGARA REAL ICE SKATING HALL MANAGER.--The floor +is perfect for skating, but, as there are many who do not skate, +why not have a "sliding roof"? and visitors to the latter not to be +charged full price, but admitted on a sliding scale. Nice to see Mr. +EDWARD SOLOMON, who, as conductor of the band, cuts a very pretty +figure. Dangerous, though, to the real ice, to have "Sol" so close to +it; that is, if there could be "melting moments." + + * * * * * + +THE LAUREATE SOCIETY. + +The annual general meeting of the Amalgamated British Society for +the Supply of Laureates to the public was held yesterday. There was +a numerous attendance of authors and reviewers with a sprinkling of +publishers. Mr. GRANT ALLEN was moved to the chair. The Chairman in +presenting the report of the Directors regretted that he was unable to +congratulate the Society on having accomplished the primary object of +its existence, the filling up of the vacant laureateship. He himself, +he said, had done his best. He had discovered a new sun in the +firmament of poetry at least once a month, and had never hesitated to +publish the name of his selection in one of the reviews. He was still +willing to take seven to four about Mr. JOHN DAVIDSON and Mr. FRANCIS +THOMPSON, Mr. WILLIAM WATSON barred. The balance-sheet of the Society +did not show a very flourishing state of affairs. As assets they could +enter fifteen sonnets, twelve irregularly rhymed odes (one by Mr. +RICHARD LE GALLIENNE), twenty-four volumes of a strictly limited +edition issued from the Bodley Head, four tons of the Yellow Book, and +an unpublished selection of manuscript poems written by a victim to +_delirium tremens_ whose name he was not at liberty to mention. On the +other side, however, they had to face the fact that their expenses had +been heavy. It was becoming more and more costly and difficult to +feed the public on geniuses, and he was inclined to advise the +discontinuance of this branch of the Society's operations. + +At this point some commotion was caused by Mr. LE GALLIENNE and +Mr. ARTHUR WAUGH, who rose simultaneously to protest against the +Chairman's remarks. Mr. LE GALLIENNE was so far carried away by his +agitation as to hurl a pamphlet at Mr. GRANT ALLEN'S head. In the +uproar which ensued, Mr. LE GALLIENNE could be heard ejaculating +"beautiful phrases," "richly-coloured musical sentences," "ideal and +transcendental," "nothing finer since LAMB," "all for eighteenpence," +and "a genius who sleeps below the wood-pigeons." The pamphlet thus +discharged proved to be by a Mr. JOHN EGLINTON, and Mr. LE GALLIENNE +was removed in the custody of a police-inspector, who was described by +Mr. WAUGH as a Philistine. + +When calm had been restored, Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN asked where he came +in. He had never allowed a birth, a wedding, or a death in the upper +circles of Royalty to pass unsung; and though he had been a constant +subscriber to the Society it didn't seem to have done him any good. +Besides, he had discovered Ireland last year. Mr. LEWIS MORRIS and +Mr. ERIC MACKAY made similar complaints. The latter offered to write +patriotic poems with plenty of rhymes in them against any other living +man. Would the meeting allow him to recite----? + +At this point the Chairman interposed, and said that the Directors had +decided against recitations--a statement which provoked loud murmurs +of dissatisfaction. Eventually, Mr. LE GALLIENNE (who had returned, +disguised in proof-sheets), proposed a vote of thanks to Mr. JOHN +DAVIDSON, who proposed a vote of thanks to Mr. GRANT ALLEN, who +proposed a vote of thanks to Mr. FRANCIS THOMPSON, who proposed a vote +of thanks to Mr. ARTHUR WAUGH, who proposed a vote of thanks to Mr. +JOHN LANE, who proposed a vote of thanks to Mr. LE GALLIENNE. All +these having been unanimously passed, the meeting broke up. + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--WAR OF WORDS.--_À propos_ of Mr. PLOWDEN'S decision in +the "Flannelette case," can that worthy magistrate have foreseen some +of its effects? For instance, wanting to buy a sideboard, I went to a +furniture-dealer's, and saw one, apparently made of the best mahogany, +which took my fancy greatly. I casually asked of what wood it +was composed and was astonished to have the answer given me, +"Mahoganette," by the shop-walker. So I walked out of the shop. When +I _want_ painted deal I can inquire for that article. Again, I have +noticed during the last few days a great falling-off in my butter +(though not in its price). On my remonstrating, the seller frankly +admitted that the article was "butterette," not butter. "What does +'ette' mean?" I asked him. He said it meant "little," adding, with a +wink, that I should find "precious little butter, too." And this was +the case. What _are_ we coming to?--INDIGNANT. + + * * * * * + +"OYSTER _BARS_."--The prohibitive price of natives and the typhoid +scare. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANIMAL SPIRITS. + +NO. I--FOOTBALL. "THE ZAMBESI SCORCHERS."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +The anonymous author of _"Spot," an Autobiography_ (HOULSTON AND SONS, +Paternoster Square), whoever he may be, has a remarkable insight into +dog-nature, so far, that is, as one who is not a dog, but a mere lover +of dogs, can judge. _Spot_ tells his own story in a straightforward, +honest, doggy style, which must commend him at once to the hearts +of his readers. His reflections, from the canine point of view, are +admirably just. He never cared for flowers. "How vapid," he says, +"is the scent of a rose, for instance, compared with that of an old +seasoned bone." The force of the remark must be appreciated by anyone +who has watched a dog exhuming with furtive labour a bone he had +buried a week before. A firm foe to cats, he yet makes an exception in +favour of his house-cat, as all civilised cat-destroying dogs do. The +bull-dog's greeting to him is, in itself, a revelation of character. +"Cheer up, youngster! Any good smells hereabouts?" says that +redoubtable animal; whereupon they saunter together round by the back +of the house, "passing few smells of any importance until we arrived +at the ashpit." But I cannot here quote at greater length from +his wise remarks. I can honestly advise all lovers of dogs (boys +especially) to read this wholesome, pleasant, clever little book. + + THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +SLIGHT IMPROVEMENT.--France has "come to the Faure." That's good to +begin with, From a Republican to a "Bourgeois" Ministry is not much of +a step, but still it is a step, Faure-wards, or rather upwards, as a +conscientious, self-respecting Bourgeois can never be an anarchist. +LOUIS PHILIPPE was a "bourgeois king," and, after him, France "went +Nap" and returned to Imperialism. But where's the Imperialist ruler +now? Is the latest betting Faure to one on the Republic? + + * * * * * + +BLACK MAGIC. + + We'd done the latest picture-shows, + Had honoured some with our approval, + Expressed a cultured scorn for those + That merited a prompt removal. + And then, to pass the time away, + Disliking melodramas tragic, + We chanced to go--oh, hapless day!-- + To see some "feats of modern magic." + + I don't deny the tricks were good, + Nor could you easily see through them, + And few of those who "understood + Exactly how they're done," could do them. + But when the wizard said he'd try + To pass a watch to any distance, + And find it in the audience--why + Did I afford him my assistance? + + I thought to spoil the trick he'd planned, + Nor did I even feel embittered + When made before the crowd to stand, + Although my fair companions tittered, + But then the scoundrel in their view + Remarked, "Is this your usual habit?" + And from my pocket calmly drew + The watch--_suspended from a rabbit!_ + + The foolish people laughed and cheered, + And as I fled in hasty fashion, + My cousins even gaily jeered + Instead of showing me compassion! + I'd grant them almost any boon, + But though they ask it, never that form + Will grace, as on this afternoon, + A vulgar necromancer's platform! + + * * * * * + +RUMOUR.--As ruler of the domain where stands our great theatre and our +opera house, Sir DRUIOLANUS, it is reported, is to receive the special +distinction of K.C.G., which, in his case, is the Knight of Covent +Garden. _Bene meruit_. + + * * * * * + +VIEWING A HARE. + +(_And the Prospect of a Good Run_.) + +The Dramatic Arthurs Society is having a nice time of it just now +with ARTHUR PINERO, ARTHUR JONES, ARTHUR LAW, ARTHUR ROBERTS, _King +Arthur_, at the Lyceum, and ARTHUR À BECKET at the Garrick Theatre, +where _Faded Flowers_, revived, are once again blooming. It is +a pretty piece, well played by Mr. ARTHUR BOURCHIER--_encore un +Arthur_--and Mrs. BOURCHIER, known to the public as Miss VIOLET +VANBRUGH. A little TERRY boy, aged nine, is in it, and Mr. BUIST +does his very Buist, or best. The occasion of the revival was the +resuscitation of _A Pair of Spectacles_, in which Mr. JOHN HARE is +better than ever; and, indeed, he has made it one of his very +best eccentric comedy parts. Again Mr. GROVES delights us with his +hardwareish impersonation of "the man from Sheffield," a very happy +thought on the part of the author-adapter, Mr. GRUNDY. + +The occasion of the revival, too, was also noteworthy as being the +_début_ of another of the TERRY family, the _ingénue_ of the comedy +being played by Miss MABEL TERRY LEWIS, who certainly inherits no +small share of the TERRY Talent. Mr. GERALD DU MAURIER, too, is +excellent in a marvellously made-up small character part; and BERTIE +HARE--the heir of HARE--is very good as the youngster. Mr. HARE has +fitted on this "pair of spectacles" just in time; not to have done so +would have been shortsighted policy; and through them no doubt he sees +his way to a long and highly satisfactory run. These two revivals +Mr. HARE may consider not as "a pair of specs," but as "a couple of +certainties." + + PETER PROSIT. + + * * * * * + +WHY IS THE MODERN FICTIONIST LIKE A DOG-FANCIER?--Because he is so +fond of short tails. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note + +Page 46: _Friendship._ The mutual dislike of people on intimate terms. +Or, a euphuism for love. + +The writer (Marjorie) would appear to have confused 'euphuism' and +'euphemism', perhaps deliberate on the part of the contributer. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +108, January 26, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42481 *** |