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@@ -1,35 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, -January 19, 1895, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, January 19, 1895 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: April 7, 2013 [EBook #42480] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 19, 1895 *** - - - - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42480 *** * * * * * @@ -114,7 +83,7 @@ indissolubly connected with the stirring story which I have here set out to relate, and for this reason alone have I mentioned it. During the brief struggle round the guns I became momentarily separated from the main body of my men. Seizing the opportunity, and noticing, -too, that in the previous _melee_ I had been unhorsed, two gigantic +too, that in the previous _melée_ I had been unhorsed, two gigantic artillerymen made at me. My sword was broken, my revolver was empty! What was I to do? But little time for reflection was left to me. With savage shouts the two dusky Titans sprang upon me. I gave myself up @@ -386,7 +355,7 @@ experienced cabman is in the neighbourhood of that continually rising locality--Earl's Court. The door was opened by Mr. WILKINS in person, who anticipated the turning of the proprietorial latch-key. -"I am sorry to say, Sir," said my trusted _employe_, "that I have had +"I am sorry to say, Sir," said my trusted _employé_, "that I have had an accident. While I was dusting the military enlistment card----" "You mean my commission?" @@ -421,7 +390,7 @@ my client to my learned and distinguished friend, APPLEBLOSSOM, Q.C., who had promised to dine with me that evening, I readily accepted the apologies of the penitent WILKINS. -"I will put it allright to-morrow, Sir," said my distressed _employe_. +"I will put it allright to-morrow, Sir," said my distressed _employé_. "I will get some glass, fix up your enlistment card, and have it done before I rebuild the pantry and whitewash the ceiling of the bath-room." @@ -464,7 +433,7 @@ I would surprise the lady who does me the honour to bear my name, by telling her that I had become a rich man after I had cashed the cheque I was sure to receive. All the following day I made plans for the spending of my fortune. I would have a box in the Highlands, a -_pied-a-terre_ in Paris, and a pyramid in Egypt. I would present +_pied-à -terre_ in Paris, and a pyramid in Egypt. I would present my Inn with a massive gold snuff-box, and PORTINGTON should have a silver-mounted meerschaum. If my age did not bar my progress, I would seek service in the Militia--as a lieutenant-colonel. There was no @@ -746,7 +715,7 @@ BOTH."] [Illustration: THE COUNTER-CHECK QUARRELSOME. -_Mr. AEsopus Delasparre._ "I WILL ASK YOU TO FAVOUR ME, MADAM, BY +_Mr. Æsopus Delasparre._ "I WILL ASK YOU TO FAVOUR ME, MADAM, BY REFRAINING FROM LAUGHING AT ME ON THE STAGE DURING MY THIRD ACT." _Miss Jones_ (_sweetly_). "OH, BUT I ASSURE YOU YOU'RE MISTAKEN, @@ -810,7 +779,7 @@ wedding present is waiting for him here, if he will come and fetch it. The dealer asks 2,000 lire. I understand shopping in Italy. Early one morning offer him 50. He at once comes down to 1,000. I go up to 100. Discuss for one hour, haggle for another hour, dispute angrily for a -third. Then go off to _dejeuner_. Closing prices--dealer 725, myself +third. Then go off to _déjeuner_. Closing prices--dealer 725, myself 250. Back again after interval for refreshment. Begin quietly. Opening prices--dealer 720, myself 251. Discussion, haggling, dispute as before. Indignant marchings out by me, frantic pursuits by the @@ -924,7 +893,7 @@ from time to time be permitted to relate how Mudford progresses under our rule. Possibly, I may not. But in any case I ought to add that, being beaten by Mrs. HAVITT has not--well, improved the domestic atmosphere. Wifely devotion seems to be out of fashion in these _fin -de siecle_ days. +de siècle_ days. * * * * * @@ -952,12 +921,12 @@ SEASONABLE(?) GREETING FOR A CHINAMAN.--A Jappy New Year to you! VIVE LE TAILLEUR DU ROI. - ["Le duc d'Orleans a voulu donner une lecon aux mauvais + ["Le duc d'Orléans a voulu donner une leçon aux mauvais patriotes; il habite Londres, il charge un tailleur parisien du soin de garnir sa garde-robe."--_French Press._] Along the boulevard's busy curb - That bristles bravely with _etrennes_, + That bristles bravely with _étrennes_, A thing has threatened to disturb The careless _vie parisienne;_ It isn't spies or journalist blackmailers, @@ -972,7 +941,7 @@ VIVE LE TAILLEUR DU ROI. Now while in matters of the gown The _monde_ of Paris sets the _mode_, - Their gay _flaneurs_ that paint the town + Their gay _flâneurs_ that paint the town Long since affect a foreign code, Developing in fact a steady passion For dressing in the latest London fashion. @@ -1009,8 +978,8 @@ VIVE LE TAILLEUR DU ROI. To guide in France the statesman's game The casual ignited straw Will set the camel's hump aflame; - A _redingote_ may raise enough _eclat_ - To bring about a pretty _coup d'etat_. + A _redingote_ may raise enough _éclat_ + To bring about a pretty _coup d'état_. * * * * * @@ -1125,11 +1094,11 @@ and back kitchen--are first-rate. But where all are so good it is impossible, within the limits of a paragraph, to particularise. Messrs BARRETT and LENNARD are to be congratulated, and, as _Hamlet_ says, "The Pantomime's the thing," and, as Shakspearian readers will -remember, _Hamlet's_ father went to _matinees_,--wasn't it "his custom +remember, _Hamlet's_ father went to _matinées_,--wasn't it "his custom always of an afternoon"?--only there's no sleeping here, but everyone very wide awake, and all "going home to tea" thoroughly satisfied with _Santa Claus_. Who says _Le Roi Pantomime est mort_, when the Lyceum -is crowded for _matinees_, and, outside the doors of Old Drury, daily +is crowded for _matinées_, and, outside the doors of Old Drury, daily and nightly appear the placards, "House Full"? * * * * * @@ -1195,7 +1164,7 @@ premium. _Charles his Friend._ Virtue never is at a premium, save when it is mistaken for vice. -_A blase Man of the World._ And yet, in spite of all this, I have had +_A blasé Man of the World._ And yet, in spite of all this, I have had a pleasant evening. _Charles his Friend._ So has an author when he is laughing in his @@ -1353,359 +1322,4 @@ Page 29: 'seven-eights' corrected to 'seven-eighths' End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, January 19, 1895, by Various -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 19, 1895 *** - -***** This file should be named 42480.txt or 42480.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/4/8/42480/ - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, January 19, 1895 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: April 7, 2013 [EBook #42480] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 19, 1895 *** - - - - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - * * * * * - -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - -VOL. 108, JANUARY 19, 1895. - -_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ - - * * * * * - - - - -TALL TALES OF SPORT AND ADVENTURE. - -(_By Mr. Punch's own Short Story-teller._) - -I.--THE PINK HIPPOPOTAMUS. - -The island of Seringapatam is without exaggeration one of the fairest -jewels in the imperial diadem of our world-wide possessions. Embosomed -in the blue and sparkling wavelets of the Pacific Ocean, breathed upon -by the spicy breezes that waft their intoxicating perfumes through -endless groves of gigantic acacias, feathery fern trees, and -gorgeously coloured Indian acanthoids; studded with the glittering -domes of a profusion of jasper palaces beside which the trumpery -splendours of Windsor or Versailles are but as dust, and guarded by -the loyal devotion of an ancient warrior race noted not less for -the supreme beauty of its women than for the matchless courage and -endurance of its men, the Kingdom of Seringapatam offered during a -period of more than one hundred years a stubborn resistance even -to the arms of the all-conquering Britons. So great indeed, was the -respect extorted from the victors by the vanquished that when, owing -to the marvellous strategy of my old friend Major-General Sir BONAMY -BATTLEHORN, K.C.B., K.C.M.G., the island was finally subdued, it was -agreed that in all but their acknowledgment of a British Suzerainty -and the payment of an annual tribute of fifteen hundred gold lakhs, -the proud islanders were to maintain their independence and to -continue those forms of government which long tradition had invested -in their eyes with all the sanctity of a religion. - -I had been present with my dear father at the great battle of the Dead -Marshes by which the fortunes of the islanders were finally shattered. -Never shall I forget the glow of exultant gratitude with which towards -the end of the day gallant old Sir BONAMY came cantering towards me -on his elephant. "Thank you, thank you a thousand times, my dear -ORLANDO," said the glorious veteran as he approached me; "it was that -last charge of yours at the head of your magnificent Thundershakers -that has converted defeat into victory, and assured Westminster Abbey -to the bones of BONAMY BATTLEHORN. All that is now necessary," he -continued, rising in his stirrups and waving his sword, "is that you -should complete the work that you have begun. Dost see that battery of -fifty guns still served by the haughty remnants of the Seringapatamese -bombardiers? Let them be captured, and nothing will stand between us -and the Diamond City of the Ranee." - -I needed no further incitement. Gathering round me the few -Thundershakers who had escaped unscathed, I bade the standard-bearer -unfurl the flag of the brigade. In another moment we were upon them. -Cutting, slashing, piercing, parrying, trampling, crushing, we dashed -into the midst of the foe. Far over the field of carnage sounded our -war-cry, the famous "Higher up Bayswater!" which was to our horses as -the prick of spur. In vain the doughty bombardiers belaboured us; in -vain did they answer with the awful shout of "Benkcitibenk," which -none hitherto had been able to withstand. The work was hot, but in -less than three minutes the battery was ours, and the broken host of -the Ranee was streaming in full flight down the slopes from which -so lately they had dealt death amongst the English army. In another -moment we had limbered up--two men to each gun, except the largest, -which was assigned to me as the chief of the band--and helter skelter -down the hill we went, and so, with shouting and with laughter, -deposited our spoils at the feet of the British General. - -I do not recount this incident in order to magnify my own exploits. -My deeds themselves are my best record, those deeds which a factious -majority in successive Parliaments has, to its everlasting shame, -refused to recognise, but which not even the voice of malice, always -busy in the task of depreciating genuine achievement, can rob of one -particle of their brilliant and immortal lustre. But the fight is -indissolubly connected with the stirring story which I have here set -out to relate, and for this reason alone have I mentioned it. During -the brief struggle round the guns I became momentarily separated from -the main body of my men. Seizing the opportunity, and noticing, -too, that in the previous _melée_ I had been unhorsed, two gigantic -artillerymen made at me. My sword was broken, my revolver was empty! -What was I to do? But little time for reflection was left to me. With -savage shouts the two dusky Titans sprang upon me. I gave myself up -for lost, shut my eyes, thought of my poor mother, saw in a flash my -happy country home, the thatched roofs of the cottages, the grey old -church, the babbling stream, the village school, the little shop -where my infant mouth had first become acquainted with the succulent -bull's-eye--in short, I went through all the symptoms that are -understood to accompany the imminence of a violent death. Suddenly, -however, the desire to live awoke once more. The smaller of my two -foes had outstripped his companion. He was just about to seize me, -when, lowering my head, which was encased in a spiked helmet, I -bounded at him. Fair and full I caught him, and so terrific was the -force engendered by my spring and the foeman's rush, that not the -spike alone, but the helmet and the head too, pierced him through and -through. - -[Illustration: "Fair and full I caught him."] - -Down on his back he fell crashing, bearing me with him as he went over -and fixing the spike firmly in the earth, pinned like some huge beetle -by a human pin. As my legs flew up they encountered the second giant, -and, winding round his chest, crushed every vestige of life out of -him and flung his mangled body full twenty yards to the rear. I had -escaped, but my position was still uncomfortably awkward. By this -time, however, the rout was complete, and four of my men, by dint -of tremendous exertions, succeeded in extricating me from my curious -entanglement. My pinned foeman turned out to be the Ranee's brother, -HADJU THAR MEEBHOY. We bore him back with us to camp, where, -marvellous to relate, after a prolonged illness, he eventually -recovered. - -Of course he has never been quite the same man since. He has to -be careful about his diet, but with the childlike simplicity of an -Oriental he finds a constant pleasure in opening and shutting the -little aluminium doors which our dear old surgeon, TOBY O'GRADY, -constructed to replace the KHAN's stomach and the small of his back. I -came to be great friends with him and it was through him that I gained -the knowledge which prompted the adventure I am now about to relate. - -(_To be continued._) - - * * * * * - -A WORD ABOUT THE ST. HENRY JAMES'S THEATRE. - -There is something in a name, especially when it happens to be the -title of a play. At the St. James's, Mr. ALEXANDER'S latest venture -has been _Guy Domville_, by the American novelist HENRY JAMES, who -if he knew as much about play-writing as he does about novel-writing -would probably be in the first flight of dramatists; _and_ he would -not have chosen so hopeless a name for his hero and for his play as -_Guy Domville_. For the anti-James jokers would delight in finding -that _Guy could_ be "_guy'd_," and to say as to "_Domville_" that -"a first night audience '_vill dom_' the play." For all that, if -ALEXANDER be the sagacious commander in the dramatic field that he -has hitherto shown himself, it is not likely that he should have been -completely mistaken in accepting a play which a portion of the public -has refused to accept. Of course, a manager cannot afford to keep a -play going until the public come _en masse_ to see it, and therefore, -unless there is "a turn of the tide" (and such things have happened -before now, and a condemned piece has had a long and prosperous -career), Mr. ALEXANDER will himself be obliged to do to the play what -those who ridicule and chaff it have already done, _i.e._ "_take it -off_." - - * * * * * - -MRS. R. admits that she has always been very fond of sweets at dinner. -What she is especially fond of is, she says, "a dish of _pommes -d'Ananias_;" and she always adds, "But, my dear, why the French choose -such awful names for such nice things is what I never can understand." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "QUITE ENGLISH, YOU KNOW!" - -_Abdurrahman Khan_ (_to himself_). "I THINK THIS'LL FETCH 'EM!" - -["Should the Ameer happily accomplish the visit to this country on -which he has set his heart, he may be assured of the warm welcome due -to one who, since his accession to supreme power in Afghanistan, has -been the steady friend of Great Britain."--_Times._]] - - * * * * * - -THE DANDY AFGHAN KHAN. - -(_Cabulee Version of a popular Comic Song._) - -AIR--"_The Dandy Coloured Coon._" - -_Ameer, dressing for a projected Visit, sings:_-- - - Fools called me a mere "Nigger" when I felt Dame Fortune's frown; - Up and down--I have known; - But now the folks all say, "Why, you're fit to wear a crown. - Black or brown--you've won renown." - Now a lot of gossips they patter and spy. - Someone says, "He wants to have the Muscovite hard by." - "Muscovite!" said I,--"hard by!--you're mistooken! - This Ameer wants to see no Muscovite. - Not at all!--not a bit!-- - 'Tain't for him at all the Afghan crown is meant!" - "Go on!"--say they,--"Who is it?" - -_Chorus._ - - "Why, it's AB-DUR-RAHMAN, son of AFZUL, son of DOST - MOHAMMED, means to rule the fierce Af_ghan_! - Don't you know me?--Go on!--Well, you _will_, my good man, - For I'm AB-DUR-RAHMAN the dandy Afghan Khan!" - - Now a man like me is a terror to the tribes, - The Shinwaris,--the Ghilzais! - And ISHAK KHAN and others found me galling to their kibes, - When revolts--they would raise. - They've been putting it about the Ameer is ill. - (Wouldn't they delight to administer a pill!) - "Ameer, you're ill--_mortal_ ill!"--but I wasn't! - "You've palpitation," the quidnuncs state, - "From your soles--to your scalp. - ISHAK at Samarcand makes your heart palpitate!" - "Go on!"--said I,--"nary palp!" - -_Chorus._--For I'm AB-DUR-RAHMAN, &c. - - Now I've long had an ambition to far England for to go, - Don't you know,--that is so! - See Empress-Queen VICTORIA and Mister WALES also. - I'm asked to go--to that show! - The Empress-Queen to visit me doesn't care. - (And doubtless Afghan fashions might make VICTORIA stare.) - But there--I swear--I'll go!--and I'm going! - Men may say "It's the Shah that this show's about!"-- - And another "You're an ass, Sir! - 'Taint the Shah-in-Shah at all--you're a long way out!"-- - "Go on!"--he'll say,--"ain't it NASS'R?" - -_Chorus._--No, it's AB-DUR-RAHMAN, &c. - - So I'll dress the part as near as can be, - Please JOHN B.--don't you see! - My close-fitting lambswool and silver filagree, - Empress V.--might find "free." - Should the tribesmen twig this peculiar rig - They'd think their Ameer had turned Infidel Pig. - What a toff!--Well, I'll say--I'm here--to see the Empress!-- - What is that "coon" all the comics sing about? - Mister BROWN--JOHN JAMES! - If as to me Mister BULL has a doubt, - Go on!--I'll say.--My names? - -_Chorus._ - - Why, they're AB-DUR-RAHMAN, son of AFZUL, son of DOST - MAHOMMED, wearer of the Afghan Crown. - Don't you know me?--Go on?--Well, you will very soon, - For I'm AB-DUR-RAHMAN KHAN, the dandy Afghan coon! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A MOST ENTERTAINING OCCUPATION. - -SMITHSON, HAVING RECENTLY BOUGHT A COUNTRY PLACE AND GONE IN FOR -SPORT, HAS BEEN ADVISED BY A FRIEND TO DO HIS OWN EXERCISING DURING -HARD WEATHER, "AS IT INSURES YOUR HORSES AGAINST THE NEGLECT OF -GROOMS, AND ALSO KEEPS YOU IN FORM." - - [_He tries it, and finds it--as above._ -] - - * * * * * - -"HALE FELLOW, WELL MET."--"PIERRE BLANC, the hale Savoyard of -eighty-eight, took his usual place in the French Chamber," reports the -_Times_ correspondent last week, "and delivered one of his customary -addresses." - - What a charming party of three, - BISMARCK, BLANC, and Mr. G., - Decidedly very much alive, - United ages Two Four Five! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: COUNTER-IRRITATION. - -A STUDY AT A WINTER SALE.] - - * * * * * - -THAT PRECIOUS DONKEY! - -(_An Episode in the Life of A. Briefless, Junior, Esq., -Barrister-at-Law, in Three Parts._) - -PART II.--_The Passing of the Picture._ - -It may be remembered that the gift of my grateful if eccentric -client had been put in the box-room at Justinian Gardens. There the -presentment of the donkey languidly watching jaded villagers reposed, -amidst the possibly congenial surroundings of broken perambulators, -superannuated folding-doors, and half-forgotten wide-awake hats. I -rather regretted the fate of the picture, as it seemed to me that -it might have served as a not invaluable advertisement. As a large -proportion of the forensic world knows, I not infrequently during the -Yuletide season entertain some of my friends at the Bar, and I should -have been pleased to have been able to point to the canvas as a sort -of testimonial. However, the painting had disappeared, and there was -nothing more to be said about it. - -I am reminded by this reference to my vacation entertainments, that -it was at one of "these feasts of reason and flows of soul" (as my -learned and distinguished friend APPLEBLOSSOM, Q.C., is kind enough -to call them) that my fortunes underwent a change for the better. -The inhabitants of Justinian Gardens are accustomed to do things very -well. When there is a ball, the number of vehicles (always with one -horse apiece, and sometimes with a pair) is quite considerable. On -such occasions a stranger might imagine that the Gardens had the -advantage of a chronic cab-stand. At 97 (which I think I may describe -as our show-house) there is a butler, and there are few at Justinian -Gardens who cannot boast of a "buttons." I do not secure the services -of a man-retainer myself, and am consequently not quite in the -fashion. However, when I entertain, I do my best to be worthy of the -_prestige_ of my neighbours, and put forth all my strength in making -my house an object of interest. The walls of my modest dwelling-place -are adorned with several mementoes of my not-altogether-common-place -career. For instance, I have had my commission as a Lieutenant of -Volunteers (I served for many years in the Bishop's Own, and was -graciously permitted by Her Majesty to retire with my rank) glazed and -framed, and have treated the pasteboard distinctions I won at school -in a similar fashion. When I purpose entertaining my friends at the -Bar, I have these gratifying landmarks in my life's history polished -up by an individual known in my household as "the handy man." This -person (towards whom I entertain a friendly regard), for a certain -sum an hour undertakes to do anything I require. I believe that he -can paint a house, build a conservatory, cut down a forest, and -reconstruct an aquarium with equal facility. But it is only right -to say that I make this statement on the faith of his guarantor--the -gentleman who was good enough to procure for me the advantage of his -services--and cannot speak from personal knowledge. So far I have only -had the opportunity of testing his capabilities in window-cleaning and -the dusting of works of art. In performing these domestic duties he -shows great energy, and even daring. He seems to delight in standing -on window-ledges and the outer edges of flights of stairs. I have been -given to understand that he glories in these displays of hardihood, -as they remind him of the days and nights when he acted as a rather -prominent member of the Fire Brigade. - -"Mr. WILKINS," I said, on my departure for the Temple, "I shall esteem -it a favour if you will be so good as to employ your leisure to-day in -repainting the waterbutts, sweeping the kitchen chimney, putting glass -in the conservatory, regilding the mirror in the study, and, if you -have time, dusting my testimonial." - -"Certainly, Sir," replied my valued acquaintance, and before I had -closed the hall door, the sounds of the rumbling sticks told me that -he had already commenced to remove the superfluous soot from the -culinary smoke-hole. - -I had rather an arduous day at Pump-Handle Court. I had quite an -accumulation of circulars, and a consent brief that required very -careful attention. The latter was not endorsed with my name, but I saw -to it on behalf of a colleague. After I had spent some hours in -the little frequented (during the vacation) realms of the Temple, -I returned to Justinian Gardens, which I need scarcely tell an -experienced cabman is in the neighbourhood of that continually rising -locality--Earl's Court. The door was opened by Mr. WILKINS in person, -who anticipated the turning of the proprietorial latch-key. - -"I am sorry to say, Sir," said my trusted _employé_, "that I have had -an accident. While I was dusting the military enlistment card----" - -"You mean my commission?" - -"I do, Sir. It came down with a run. You see, Sir, you have had him -rather heavily framed. Unfortunately, Sir, when I passed the polish -brush over him the nail did not hold, and it gave suddenly. The -picture made a nasty mark on the wall, and smashed up when he got to -the flooring. I would have reframed him, but all the shops close early -on a Thursday, and I can get no glass." - -"Well, what have you done?" I asked, in a tone of some annoyance, -for I pride myself on my commission, and am proud of showing it to my -friends. - -"Well, Sir, I went up to the box-room to see if I could find anything -that would do, and have looked up an affair that I think will meet -with your approval." - -By this time I had reached the place where the wall was damaged. The -spot was covered by a picture. - -"I did my best, Sir. I washed the canvas with soap and water, and put -the polishing brush over the frame. Of course the subject ain't worth -much, but for a stop-gap it isn't bad. Now is it?" - -I then found that Mr. WILKINS had hidden the faulty hall paper with -the picture that had been presented to me by the gentleman who had -raised a claim to the throne of the Celestial Empire. Secretly pleased -that I could now have an opportunity of referring to the gratitude of -my client to my learned and distinguished friend, APPLEBLOSSOM, Q.C., -who had promised to dine with me that evening, I readily accepted the -apologies of the penitent WILKINS. - -"I will put it allright to-morrow, Sir," said my distressed _employé_. -"I will get some glass, fix up your enlistment card, and have it -done before I rebuild the pantry and whitewash the ceiling of the -bath-room." - -Satisfied with the promise I thought no more of the _contretemps_ -until after dinner, when my attention was directed to it by -APPLEBLOSSOM, Q.C., who had made himself vastly agreeable after the -ladies had retired and left us to discuss the chestnuts and the port. - -"Hullo, BRIEFLESS," he exclaimed; "where did you get that Old BOOTS?" - -I told my story of the grateful client, and young BANDS, who I fancy -is thinking of reading in my chambers, regarded me (I venture to -believe) with increased respect. - -"Bless me, you have a treasure!" continued APPLEBLOSSOM, Q.C., who -seemed wrapt in admiration. "That is a genuine Old BOOTS. You can -always tell him from Young BOOTS by the manipulation of his animal's -ears. Look at those, Sir! Splendid! Why, who could paint a donkey like -that? By Jove, BRIEFLESS, you are in luck! You ought to make a fortune -out of it at CHRISTIES!" - -"Why, is it very valuable?" I asked. "I am not much of an art -connoisseur, and I frankly confess I know very little of Old SHOES." - -"Old BOOTS, Sir!" cried APPLEBLOSSOM, Q.C. "Why I thought all the -world knew Old BOOTS! One of the grandest painters of the eighteenth -century! He got that particular delicacy of touch which you can trace -in that donkey's ears by never commencing to paint his animals until -he was recovering from _delirium tremens_. Why, Sir, that animal is -simply superb. Look at his mane, Sir! Why, it is simply marvellous!" - -I did look at the donkey's ears and mane, and, with the assistance -of young BANDS, went into an ecstasy. The ears of the animal were -certainly magnificent. - -I must admit I was excited during the rest of that eventful evening. I -determined to keep the secret of my good fortune to myself. I thought -I would surprise the lady who does me the honour to bear my name, by -telling her that I had become a rich man after I had cashed the cheque -I was sure to receive. All the following day I made plans for the -spending of my fortune. I would have a box in the Highlands, a -_pied-à-terre_ in Paris, and a pyramid in Egypt. I would present -my Inn with a massive gold snuff-box, and PORTINGTON should have a -silver-mounted meerschaum. If my age did not bar my progress, I would -seek service in the Militia--as a lieutenant-colonel. There was no -limit to my ambition. - -When I returned, Mr. WILKINS (who is thoroughly conscientious), having -finished the rebuilding of the pantry and the whitewashing of the -bath-room, had departed. He does not waste his time, and only charges -me for the hours he actually expends in honest labour. I hurried to -the spot where my Old BOOTS was temporarily resting before removal -to the far-famed auction-rooms in King Street, St. James's. I turned -pale. - -"Why, what is this?" I asked, trembling with emotion. - -"Your commission, dear," said my better seven-eighths. "It looks -better than the picture, although I must say the donkey improves on -acquaintance. It really was very well painted. I am quite sorry Mr. -WILKINS has taken it away." - -"WILKINS taken it away?" I gasped out. - -"Yes. He said that you didn't seem to care for it, so he went off to -try and sell it." - -"Why!" I exclaimed, and my voice, through my deep emotion, dropped -almost to a whisper, "it is an Old BOOTS!" - -"An Old BOOTS!" cried my better seven-eighths, becoming as excited as -myself. "Why, our fortunes are made! An Old BOOTS! Oh, why didn't you -tell me! An Old BOOTS! Fancy having an Old BOOTS!" - -"But we haven't," I returned, almost in tears. "The handy-man has gone -off with it! What _are_ we to do without our Old BOOTS!" - -"We will get it back!" returned my better and more important fraction, -with determination. - -Whether we did recover our lost treasure, or fail in the attempt, -must, owing to the exigencies of space (so I am given to understand), -form the subject of another and concluding contribution. The chase -after our Old BOOTS was not without adventures of a distinctly -exciting character. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration] - -MY PETTY JAYNE![*] - -AIR--"_My Pretty Jane._" - - My JAYNE, my JAYNE, my Bishop JAYNE, - O never, never more be sly, - You'll meet, you'll meet with no green even in - This correspondent's eye. - "Charge, CHESTER, charge." Do what you th-i-nk - Your di-o-cese will stand. - But do not, do not stain with i-n-k - Your Gothenburgian hand. - - So JAYNE, my JAYNE, my petty JAYNE, - O never, never more be sly. - You'll meet, you'll meet with no green even in - This correspondent's eye. - -[Footnote: * See recent letters and article in _Times_ within the last -fortnight.] - - * * * * * - -"TO ROME FOR SIXTEEN GUINEAS."--The travellers, it is announced, will -be "lectured by the Bishop of PETERBOROUGH and Mr. OSCAR BROWNING." -What a delightful prospect for a pleasant trip! Fancy being lectured -all the way as to what to eat, drink, and avoid, on comportment and -deportment, on smoking, on registration of baggage, on economy, etc., -etc., by a Bishop and one of the OSCAR'S. O what a time they will have -of it! - - * * * * * - -BONNIE W. G. - -A SONG OF THE SNOWY SOUTH. - - ["'We were caught in a snowdrift' was Mr. GLADSTONE'S - explanation. 'In Scotland they would have cleared it away in - no time, but here they are not accustomed to deal with snow;' - and, with upright bearing, and carrying a travelling rug which - he refused to give up to a servant, he marched out of the - station with a springy gait."--_Central News Telegram from - Cannes._] - -[Illustration] - -AIR--"_Bonnie Dundee._" - - To our own G. O. M. 'twas the doctor who spoke; - "You'd better get out of our frost, fog, and smoke. - You are now eighty-five, though a wonder you be; - So follow the sun, bonnie W. G.! - Come flit from cold Hawarden, and fly off to Cannes, - The sunny South calls you, our own Grand Old Man! - Take the first _train de luxe_, and be off, fair and free, - To RENDEL and roses, dear W. G.!" - - The G. O. M.'s off to the southward--to meet - Not sunshine, but train-stopping snow-drift and sleet. - Yet he "pops up" at Cannes as alert as can be, - After five hours long snow-block, our W. G. - Then fill up the cup to our CRICHTON at Cannes. - NESTOR wasn't a patch on our own Grand Old Man; - May he come back as bonnie as bonnie can be, - For we've not seen the last of our W. G.! - - * * * * * - -OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. - -It is noteworthy how in recent years, in the matter of fiction, the -star of Empire shineth in the North. After WALTER SCOTT established -the sovereignty of Scotland in the world of British fiction, there -was a long pause. In our generation WILLIAM BLACK came to the front. -Later, we have had STEVENSON, BARRIE, and CROCKETT. Now here is IAN -MACLAREN with his cluster of gem-like stories gathered _Beside the -Bonnie Briar Bush_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). My Baronite tells me -that of the collection Mr. GLADSTONE likes best "A Doctor of the Old -School." Where all is good it is difficult to establish supremacy. -But for simple pathos and for the skill of drawing with a few touches -living figures of flesh and blood, this sketch is certainly hard to -beat. Yet "A Lad of Pairts" runs it close. A very beautiful book, full -of human nature in its simplest form and most pathetic circumstances. - -[Illustration] - -Says the Baron, "What I who have read Mr. BRAM STOKER'S latest romance -could tell you about _The Watter's Mou'_ would make your mou' watter -with longing desire to devour it. It is excellent: first because it is -short; secondly, because the excitement is kept up from first page -to last; and thirdly, because it is admirably written throughout; the -scenic descriptive portion being as entrancing as the dramatic. It is -brought out in the Acme Series in charge of A CONSTABLE, and its full -price is only one shilling." - -A good short story is to be found in _A Clear Case of the -Supernatural_, by REGINALD LUCAS, only as it is by no means "a clear -case," it might have been appropriately entitled, _Fluke or Spook_. - - THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. - - * * * * * - -MOST APPROPRIATE.--"Gunner J. C. ROCKETT promoted to rank of Chief -Gunner in the Queen's Navy." Of course, quite right to send up a -Rockett. Only got to present him with a house at Gunnersbury and the -thing is complete. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A COMPLIMENT. - -_Proud Mother_ (_to irritable Old Gentleman, whose beard her little -Boy is pulling out by the roots_). "LITTLE _DARLING!_ IT'S NOT OFTEN -HE TAKES SO KINDLY TO STRANGERS!"] - - * * * * * - -"A DIVIDED DUTY." - - ["What we fail to perceive, at least to any adequate extent, - in the pleadings of the spokesman of the Lancashire Cotton - Trade, is a recognition of the paramount importance, even from - a commercial point of view, of the Imperial interests that - depend on the just and liberal government of India."--_The - Times._] - -AIR--"_Green Grow the Rushes, O!_" - -Mr. JOHN BULL _sings:_-- - - Ding-dong the lasses go! My patience it quite - passes, O! - My brain it turns, though with ROB BURNS, I dearly love the - lasses, O! - - There's right and wrong on either hand; that's clear to all but - asses, O! - So hold your whist, drop each your fist, and to me list, fair - lasses, O! - - Lancashire lass, I like you well. You're buxom, brave, and - bonny, O! - But do not slight your sense of right in hasty greed of - money, O! - - When North _v._ South "clemmed" many a mouth, what patient, - patriot spirit, O! - Lancashire showed! All England glowed. That spirit you - inherit, O! - - But in your wrath you've missed the path of fair and patriot - dealing, O! - Nay, do not pout. You'll wake, no doubt, to right Imperial - feeling, O! - - The Empire's wide and can't be tied by shackles greed-begotten, O! - My _only_ duty now, my beauty, 's _not_--to sell your cotton, O! - - Of bulk and bale your sale won't fail--if you keep up the - quality, O! - And do not trust to "devil's-dust"--which mars our - merchant-polity, O! - - Some rascal-muffs, with loaded stuffs, have spoiled the Eastern - market, O! - Miss INDIA there will tell you where, and when she whispers, - hark it, O! - - But with good goods you'll hold your own, despite that import - duty, O! - But you can't have _all_ your own way, my bold--but - angry--beauty, O! - - Miss INDIA, there needs constant care; she has not _your_ - resources, O! - You raise your voice against my choice 'twixt two unwelcome - courses, O! - - But I--though loth--considering _both_ on my responsibility, O! - Have done my best, and for my pains from both meet incivility, O! - - I've tried to bear the balance fair, 'twixt countries, trades, and - classes, O! - And lo! my lot is anger hot from _both_ you bickering - lasses, O! - - Miss INDIA'S eyes, at the Excise, excitedly are - flashing, O! - My dusky dear, 'tis hard to steer 'twixt interests wildly - clashing, O! - - I love ye both, and I were loth to make--or see--ye quarrel, O! - But--a divided duty's mine, and that's my homily's moral, O! - - And so, my dears, abate your fears, and likewise stint your - shindy, O! - The Lass of Lancashire should shake hands with the Lass from - "Indy," O! - - I'll do my best for East and West. Brim high three bumper - glasses, O! - And let's drink health, and love, and wealth to both my bonny - lasses, O! - - * * * * * - -A Colourable Correction. - - "Bored to blues by a Blue-Book"? I fear you are not - Up to date in your choice of a tint, my dear fellow. - The type of sheer boredom, and dulness, and rot, - Is not now the Blue of old days, but the Yellow. - As Blue-Stockings now half the sex might be mustered, - The New Woman doubtless wears hose hued like custard. - - * * * * * - -NEXT BEST THING TO THE PERSIAN LOCOMOTIVE CARPET OF EASTERN -FABLE.--The "Travelling Rug" of Western fact. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "A DIVIDED DUTY."] - -MR. BULL. "NOW, GIRLS, STOP THIS! REMEMBER I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU -BOTH."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE COUNTER-CHECK QUARRELSOME. - -_Mr. Æsopus Delasparre._ "I WILL ASK YOU TO FAVOUR ME, MADAM, BY -REFRAINING FROM LAUGHING AT ME ON THE STAGE DURING MY THIRD ACT." - -_Miss Jones_ (_sweetly_). "OH, BUT I ASSURE YOU YOU'RE MISTAKEN, -MR. DELASPARRE; I NEVER LAUGH AT YOU ON THE STAGE--I WAIT TILL I GET -HOME!"] - - * * * * * - -THAT WEDDING PRESENT. - -_London._--JONES is going to be married. Of course, I must give him -something. But what? A biscuit box? Commonplace. Good idea to look for -something more interesting and unusual during my holiday. Just off to -North Italy. Will keep my eyes open along the way. - -_Paris._--Walk in the Rue de la Paix and Boulevards. Everything -labelled "_Article Anglais_." Must really get him something made -abroad. Give up looking in Paris. Shall find something farther on. - -_Lucerne._--No good to take Swiss wood carving. Can't carry home a -huge sideboard. All the smaller things can be bought in London. - -_Milan._--The very place. There is an exhibition here. Shall probably -see something beautiful. Italy, cradle of the arts, and all that sort -of thing. Besides, so nice to say to JONES, "My dear fellow, here's -a little trifle; got it in Milan, you know. It's modern, but then -the Italians are always so artistic." To exhibition. Why, there are -pictures here! Of course, just suit me. Hurry to picture gallery. -Several rooms. Enter eagerly. After a short time, totter feebly out -and ask the official at the door where I can obtain a little brandy. -He, evidently alarmed by my horror-stricken face and staggering -movements, asks civilly if I am ill. Would I like a chair? Should he -fetch a doctor? Thank him, and say it is nothing serious. I have -only been looking at a few modern Italian pictures. Crawl to the -refreshment bar, and am revived with cognac. Then inspect the rest -of the exhibition. Am the only visitor, which is not surprising, for -there is nothing to see but bottles! An exhibition of bottles! They -are said to be full of wine, but I do not see how that makes them more -beautiful. Absurd to buy JONES some bottles. And equally absurd to -buy him some Italian wine when he can get good French wine in England. -Besides, can't carry bottles in my Gladstone bag. Therefore, give up -Milan. - -_Venice._--The chief manufactures here are lace and glass. Now JONES -never wears any lace, except in his boots, and never wears any glass, -not even in his eye. So what good would these be to him? See one or -two palaces to be sold. But can't take them home. So give up Venice. - -_Bologna._--More useless local productions! Here they make sausages -and soap. JONES is not a starving scarecrow for want of sausages, nor -a SIMEON STYLITES for want of soap. Must therefore give up Bologna. -This wedding present begins to weigh me down. At each new place it -obtrudes itself between me an all the beautiful things I look at. Must -really get something in Florence. - -_Florence._--Great Scott! It's worse here. A life-size marble statue, -or a mosaic table weighing nearly a ton. Have serious thoughts -of buying, at a great reduction, an extra large statue, hitherto -unsaleable on account of its size, and then telling JONES that his -wedding present is waiting for him here, if he will come and fetch it. -The dealer asks 2,000 lire. I understand shopping in Italy. Early one -morning offer him 50. He at once comes down to 1,000. I go up to 100. -Discuss for one hour, haggle for another hour, dispute angrily for a -third. Then go off to _déjeuner_. Closing prices--dealer 725, myself -250. Back again after interval for refreshment. Begin quietly. Opening -prices--dealer 720, myself 251. Discussion, haggling, dispute as -before. Indignant marchings out by me, frantic pursuits by the -dealer. Final prices--dealer 403, myself 396. Each of us, hoarse and -exhausted, refuses to yield another centesimo. So do not buy statue -for JONES, and give up Florence. Genoa is the last chance. - -_Genoa._--Velvet? What's the good of velvet to JONES? Besides it is -fabulously dear, something like attar of roses at so much a drop. Must -give up even Genoa. - -_London._--Back again. Have bought a biscuit box and sent it to -JONES. Since then have met JONES'S cousin, and SMITH, and JONES'S -brother-in-law, and Mrs. ROBINSON, and a few other mutual friends. We -disagree in many things, but in one we seem to be unanimous. We have -all given him biscuit boxes! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A RULING PASSION. - -_Mr. Meenister MacGlucky_ (_of the Free Kirk, after having given way -more than usual to an expression "a wee thing strong"--despairingly_). -"OH! AYE! AH, W-E-EL! I'LL HAE TA GIE 'T UP!" - -_Mr. Elder MacNab._ "WHA-AT, MAN, GIE UP GOWF?" - -_Mr. Meenister MacGlucky._ "NAE, NAE! GIE UP THE MEENISTRY!"] - - * * * * * - -A PSALM OF (HOLIDAY) LIFE. - -_What the heart of the Small Boy said to the Dyspeptic Pessimist._ - - Tell me not, in Christmas Numbers, - Yule is a dyspeptic dream, - A tradition that but cumbers - What smugs call "the social scheme." - - Yule is jolly, Yule is earnest! - A sick-bed is _not_ its goal; - Prig who rich plum-pudding spurnest, - Thou art destitute of soul. - - Not mere "sapping," which means sorrow, - Is youth's destined end or way: - But--to think that each to-morrow - Brings us nearer Christmas Day! - - Terms are long, and Vacs. are fleeting, - And our "tums," though big and brave, - Know that there's an end to eating - When at lessons we must slave. - - Oh, the railway's welcome rattle! - Oh, the feeling of fresh life! - Oh, the Christmas Show of Cattle! - Oh, the fun of fork and knife! - - Blow the Future! it's unpleasant; - Put the Past clean out of head. - What _I_ like's the (Christmas) Present, - No mere ghost, as DICKENS said. - - All _his_ jolly books remind us - Christmas is a glorious time. - _Don't_ let bilious bogies blind us - To its larks, which are sublime. - - Only wish there was another - Coming--in a month--again! - Stodge is bad for boys? Oh, bother! - _I_ can stand it, right as rain! - - Let us, then, be up and doing, - (With a knife and fork and plate,) - All our tips at tuck-shops blueing, - Learn to stodge, ere 'tis too late! - - * * * * * - -THE CHRONICLES OF A RURAL PARISH. - -X.--THE CHAIR. - -As soon as we had agreed to allow the Parish Meeting Chairman to -preside, BLACK BOB jumped up and proposed that Mrs. LETHAM HAVITT -should be elected to the chair. She was a lady whose excellences he -need not dilate on. She had excellent business habits, and, with all -respect to Mrs. MARCH, she had as much right to a seat on the Council -as that lady. Then a miracle happened. Mrs. MARCH not only did not -resent this reference, but actually seconded Mrs. HAVITT. It was -essential, she said, that women should be represented as fully as -possible, and she should, without hesitation, embrace this opportunity -of securing a woman colleague. This made the situation serious, not to -say hopeless. After she had sat down, there was an ominous pause. At -length I rose and proposed myself. In impressive tones I pointed -put that the hand of the electors had pointed in no uncertain way to -myself, and that since no one else had proposed my election, at the -risk of being misunderstood _once more_, I had, on public grounds, -to do it myself. After another painful pause the Parson seconded my -nomination. Then the voting. Mrs. HAVITT'S name was put first. She -got 4 votes--Mrs. MARCH, BLACK BOB, and his two comrades. I got 3--the -Squire, the Parson, and my self. And so I was foiled again--by the -Eternal Feminine. - -And so our Parish Council is at last complete, and ready for action, a -corporate body in the eyes of the law. Possibly, in these pages I may -from time to time be permitted to relate how Mudford progresses under -our rule. Possibly, I may not. But in any case I ought to add that, -being beaten by Mrs. HAVITT has not--well, improved the domestic -atmosphere. Wifely devotion seems to be out of fashion in these _fin -de siècle_ days. - - * * * * * - -DUTCH ENTERPRISE. - -The question of alien immigration as affecting the British Labour -Market is one that occasionally occupies the attention of the -Legislature. The subjoined advertisement cut from the _Daily News_ -suggests something even worse:-- - - HOLLAND.--THE FIRST NETHERLAND STEAM MUSTARD and SPICE MILLS, - visiting the whole country, wishes to represent a first - English house in articles of daily consumption. - -It is bad enough to have foreign labourers competing with our people. -But if they are going to send over, bodily, their mills and other -labour shops, JOHN BULL will be obliged to put his foot down and kick -somebody. - - * * * * * - -SEASONABLE(?) GREETING FOR A CHINAMAN.--A Jappy New Year to you! - - * * * * * - -VIVE LE TAILLEUR DU ROI. - - ["Le duc d'Orléans a voulu donner une leçon aux mauvais - patriotes; il habite Londres, il charge un tailleur parisien - du soin de garnir sa garde-robe."--_French Press._] - - Along the boulevard's busy curb - That bristles bravely with _étrennes_, - A thing has threatened to disturb - The careless _vie parisienne;_ - It isn't spies or journalist blackmailers, - It is the question of monarchic tailors. - - For lo! from _perfide Albion_ - Has lately come a ducal note - With patterns for a _pantalon_ - And therewithal a _redingote;_ - (Observe, in passing, that the royal _billet_ - Says nothing of the corresponding _gilet_). - - Now while in matters of the gown - The _monde_ of Paris sets the _mode_, - Their gay _flâneurs_ that paint the town - Long since affect a foreign code, - Developing in fact a steady passion - For dressing in the latest London fashion. - - With any perfect patriot - How bitterly it stirs the bile, - This craze for being clothed in what - Is thought to be the English style; - It makes the language of his heated brain - Occasionally verge on the profane. - - And now the Exile, armed with red - Hot coals of living anthracite, - Projects them on his country's head, - And more in pity than in spite - Bids France that hunted him and his like rabbits - Henceforth to execute his daily habits. - - Some fancy, romping at results, - The constitution's overthrow, - A view unworthy of adults, - According to the _Figaro;_ - It makes a democrat extremely nettled. - To hear the thing is practically settled. - - Of course there may be something in - That strange omission of the vest, - Yet were it little short of sin - To lay this unction to the breast; - A person isn't worth a paltry _filet_ - Who stakes the Third Republic on a _gilet_. - - There lacks, you see, a final law - To guide in France the statesman's game - The casual ignited straw - Will set the camel's hump aflame; - A _redingote_ may raise enough _éclat_ - To bring about a pretty _coup d'état_. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT. - -THE REHEARSAL; OR, PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT. - -"Lord H-LSB-RY will be the principal guest at a smoking 'At Home,' -Jan. 25th, at the W-stm-nst-r P-l-ce Hotel."--_Daily Paper._] - - * * * * * - -A GENTLE HINT TO THE JUBILANT JAP. - - There is a Jappy land - Far, far away, - Where Art they understand; - None more than they. - Now in fair battle's ring - They've pummelled poor PING-WING, - All men their praises sing - Who've won the day. - - Bright in that Jappy land - Beams every eye. - But, though their pluck be grand, - Bar-bar-i-ty - Their choicest gifts will mar, - Blood stains their rising star, - Foul slaughter is not war. - Fie, Jappy, fie! - - * * * * * - -A CABINET SECRET. - -(_Fragment for the Historian of the Future._) - - [After the Cabinet several of the Ministers present took - luncheon with the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER.--_Daily - Paper._] - -There had been an exciting meeting of the Members of the Ministry. -The gathering had taken place at noon, and after several angry -altercations it had been adjourned. But the objector-in-chief had -admirably kept his temper. He came of a gallant and illustrious race, -and blood is thicker than water. - -"I must not forget the teachings of my Uncle DICK," he had murmured, -as it was suggested that two of his favourite projects should be -slaughtered, like the infant Princes in the Tower. - -Then, when there was an inclination on the part of his colleagues to -quarrel amongst themselves, he cleverly fanned the fire, and increased -the incipient strife. - -"It was the mode adopted by my maiden Aunt, QUEEN ELIZABETH, and -it succeeded in her time. Why should the passing of three or four -centuries make any difference? After all, human nature is--in -fact--human nature!" - -And so the dull minutes passed away. The time came for luncheon. Then -he smiled a smile full of mystic hospitality. - -"It will put the bloodhounds of the Press off the scent if I ask them -to luncheon with me. It is sure to be reported in the papers, and who -will imagine that I would willingly entertain a possible opponent to -the coming Budget? Moreover, revenge is sweet; not that I would take -it! not that I would take it!" - -And then he entreated several of his colleagues to "crush a cup with -him," using a phraseology that had found favour in the mouths of the -Crusaders. - -"And ROSEY, will not you come?" The question was asked with much -cordiality. The PREMIER did not reply. He merely smiled, and the smile -seemed to be a sufficient answer. - - * * * - -Shortly afterwards (as subsequently reported in the newspapers) the -noble Earl took luncheon at his own home. - -"I wonder what wine he has given _them?_" And he smiled again. - - * * * * * - -"BOYS AND GIRLS COME OUT TO----PANTOMIME!" - -_Santa Claus_, the afternoon pantomime at the Lyceum, is even better -than Mr. OSCAR BARRETT'S _Cinderella_ of last year. There is plenty -of splendour in the fairy piece, considered merely as a "spectacle," -enough, indeed, to make a "pair of spectacles," and to cause much -speculation as to how they manage to stow away all the scenery, -properties, and costumes at five o'clock every afternoon, in order -to make room for _King Arthur_, who, on the temporary abdication of -_Santa Claus_ (a part admirably acted and declaimed by Mr. WILLIAM -RIGNOLD), reigns at the Lyceum from eight till eleven. But besides the -dazzling brilliancy of fairy pantomime, there is in it not only real -fun which delights the youngsters, for whom the entertainment is -primarily intended, but also a touch of dramatic pathos, as shown -in the death of the devoted dog _Tatters_, a dog who has his day and -dies, whose cruel fate excites the compassion of old and young alike. -All are rejoiced when they find out that clever Mr. CHARLES LAURI, of -whom it can be complimentarily said that "he is a perfect beast," is -restored to life, and that the Heavenly Twins are happily revived. - -[Illustration] - -As the two toy soldiers Messrs. HARRY and FRED KITCHEN--the front -and back kitchen--are first-rate. But where all are so good it is -impossible, within the limits of a paragraph, to particularise. Messrs -BARRETT and LENNARD are to be congratulated, and, as _Hamlet_ says, -"The Pantomime's the thing," and, as Shakspearian readers will -remember, _Hamlet's_ father went to _matinées_,--wasn't it "his custom -always of an afternoon"?--only there's no sleeping here, but everyone -very wide awake, and all "going home to tea" thoroughly satisfied with -_Santa Claus_. Who says _Le Roi Pantomime est mort_, when the Lyceum -is crowded for _matinées_, and, outside the doors of Old Drury, daily -and nightly appear the placards, "House Full"? - - * * * * * - -A "TIT BIT."--When they speak of some one of the Baby Baronets, _i.e._ -the recently created Baronets, they don't say he is among the Old'uns; -but "He is among the New'nes." - - * * * * * - -"A PENNY PLAIN--BUT OSCAR COLOURED." - -(_An Entertainment Antagonistic to Amusement._) - - SCENE--_Anywhere. Characters distributed about the Stage in - more or less admired confusion._ - -_Anybody._ So we are living in a penny romance. And this is Society. - -_Charles his Friend._ Society is everything but sociable. - -_Somebody._ But why should the PRIME MINISTER be threatened by a -professional blackmailer? - -_Charles his Friend._ In matters of this kind the PREMIER is the -_dernier_. - -_Someone Else._ But surely the same sort of thing has been done by -SARDOU in _Dora?_ - -_Charles his Friend._ Why not? A dramatist has only one virtue, he -never invents a drama. - -_A Casual Visitor._ Then we have only to regard the Adelphi as a -model, and take the Wyldest license with the dialogue. - -_Charles his Friend._ Quite so. After all, a paradox is merely a -platitude. - -_A Caller._ But do great men do these things? - -_Charles his Friend._ The great do all things because they are little. - -_A Lady._ Surely a wife should look up to her husband? - -_Charles his Friend._ So she does--unless she wears high heels. - -_A Person._ And a wife, if she found her husband in trouble, would -surely cleave to him? - -_Charles his Friend._ So she would, if she only knew where to find -him. - -_Another Person._ That reminds me that a play, to be successful, must -have the plot of a shilling shocker--much diluted. - -_Charles his Friend._ A shocker shocks no one save its--publisher. - -_A New Comer._ Then the blackmailer was defeated in the end--as bad -people invariably are when vice is at a discount and virtue at a -premium. - -_Charles his Friend._ Virtue never is at a premium, save when it is -mistaken for vice. - -_A blasé Man of the World._ And yet, in spite of all this, I have had -a pleasant evening. - -_Charles his Friend._ So has an author when he is laughing in his -sleeve and confuses black with white. - -_Someone._ But does the author never know the difference? - -_Charles his Friend._ What does it matter? If he thinks himself right, -everybody will know that he is wrong! - -_The Audience._ All this is very clever because it is unintelligible. - -_The Author._ So I believe. Only I stand upon my irresponsibility. But -is anyone satisfied with anything in a playhouse? - -_Charles his Friend._ Only with the fall of the curtain! - - [_Scene closes in upon nothing in particular._ - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: INDUCTION. - -"IS THIS THE _NEW_ BABY, DADDY?"--"YES, DEAR." - -"WHY, HE'S GOT NO TEETH!"--"NO, DEAR." - -"AND HE'S GOT NO HAIR!"--"NO, DEAR." - -"OH, DADDY, IT _MUST_ BE AN _OLD_ BABY!"] - - * * * * * - -THE REAL NEW WOMAN. - - I own there are heights that she cannot attain. - She is not at home with a gun. - In pastimes where one living creature is slain - She cannot perceive any fun; - And never a poor feathered songster has died - Her hat or her bonnet to grace; - And after the hounds it were torture to ride, - Lest Reynard should lose in the race. - - And much she ignores that New Women should learn, - And still she refuses to smoke: - One wine from another she cannot discern, - But she's splendid at seeing a joke. - Her love and her friendship no labour can fret, - No jealousy seems to alarm. - In truth, not a mortal could ever forget - Her humour, her kindness, her charm. - - Though dozens of friends of her fealty boast, - Her desk with epistles is packed, - Her very own relatives love her the most-- - A somewhat remarkable fact! - With bores and with fools she ungrudgingly bears, - And though it may end in her loss, - With cabmen she never can wrangle for fares, - Or haggle a counter across. - - Her eyes, that are loyal and fearless and kind, - At wrong or injustice will flame, - But they never seem anxious a failure to find, - They never are hasty to blame; - And well she is loved by the best and the worst, - For sympathy, courage, and truth, - For friendship unfailing they love her, the first; - The last, for her infinite ruth. - - Oh, what if she never should do or should dare - In regions by Woman untrod? - Yet, when her step passes, men turn from despair, - And trust in the world and in God. - Oh, what if no "record" she cares to eclipse, - Nor manners nor morals defies? - But pain she would face with a smile on her lips, - And death with a light in her eyes! - - * * * * * - -"THE GHIZEH MUSEUM."--A question has been asked in the _Times_ as to -why the name of Professor PETRIE has been omitted from the Commission -for the Museum of Egyptian Antiquities. The answer, whether -satisfactory or not, is that considering the overwhelming learning -on this special subject of the distinguished Professor it is probable -that the energies of the other members would be "Petrie-fied." - - * * * * * - -MOTTO FOR HORRID COLD WEATHER.--"Bed's the Best." - - * * * * * - -MRS. BLOOMER. - - ["The news of the death of Mrs. BLOOMER, at Council Bluffs, - Iowa, revives many memories of a distant past."--_Daily - Graphic._] - - So Mrs. BLOOMER'S gone! but let her name - Once more appear in _Mr. Punch's_ pages. - 'Twas long ago, almost the Middle Ages, - That LEECH'S pencil advertised her fame! - - Her costume was unlovely--let it fade - For ever from the ken of human vision! - Though nowadays 'twould scarce provoke derision, - If worn by pretty girls and tailor-made. - - For by the lady-cyclist, as she plies - Her pedal, neatly clad in knickerbockers. - See Mrs. BLOOMER, first of Grundy-shockers. - Now vindicated in Dame Fashion's eyes! - - But, not in dress alone a pioneer, - She edited the temp'rance _Water Bucket_, - And many a blow 'gainst drink with pluck hit; - Then let us o'er her passing shed a tear! - - * * * * * - -AT THE EMPIRE.--The celebrated _chanteuse_ Mlle. MEALY is engaged. -We've not yet heard her, but of course this lady's songs should be of -a very delicate nature, as she herself must be "Mealy-mouthed." - - * * * * * - - - - -Transcriber's Note: - -Page 25: 'change' corrected to 'charge'. "it was that last charge of -yours at the head of your magnificent Thundershakers that has -converted defeat into victory,..." - -Page 27: 'The Dandy Afghan Khan': 'Dost Mohammed' in the first Chorus, -becomes 'Dost Mahommed' in the last. Wikipedia gives 'Dost Mohammed.' - -Page 28: 'APPLEBOSSOM' corrected to 'APPLEBLOSSOM'. - -""Bless me, you have a treasure!" continued APPLEBLOSSOM, Q.C.,..." - -Page 29: 'seven-eights' corrected to 'seven-eighths' - -""An Old BOOTS!" cried my better seven-eighths,..." - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. -108, January 19, 1895, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 19, 1895 *** - -***** This file should be named 42480-8.txt or 42480-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/4/8/42480/ - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/42480-8.zip b/42480-8.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 0459157..0000000 --- a/42480-8.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/42480-h.zip b/42480-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 1ceb9cf..0000000 --- a/42480-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/42480-h/42480-h.htm b/42480-h/42480-h.htm index 3c04544..9c21b1e 100644 --- a/42480-h/42480-h.htm +++ b/42480-h/42480-h.htm @@ -3,7 +3,7 @@ <html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en" xml:lang="en"> <head> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> <title>Punch, or the London Charivari, January 19th, 1895.</title> @@ -112,46 +112,7 @@ display : none; </head> <body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, -January 19, 1895, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, January 19, 1895 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: April 7, 2013 [EBook #42480] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 19, 1895 *** - - - - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42480 ***</div> <p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page25" id="page25"></a>[pg 25]</span></p> @@ -252,7 +213,7 @@ But the fight is indissolubly connected with the stirring story which I have here set out to relate, and for this reason alone have I mentioned it. During the brief struggle round the guns I became momentarily separated from the main body of my men. Seizing -the opportunity, and noticing, too, that in the previous <em>melée</em> I had +the opportunity, and noticing, too, that in the previous <em>melée</em> I had been unhorsed, two gigantic artillerymen made at me. My sword was broken, my revolver was empty! What was I to do? But little time for reflection was left to me. With savage shouts the two @@ -570,7 +531,7 @@ neighbourhood of that continually rising locality—Earl's Court. The door was opened by Mr. <span class="sc">Wilkins</span> in person, who anticipated the turning of the proprietorial latch-key.</p> -<p>"I am sorry to say, Sir," said my trusted <em>employé</em>, "that I +<p>"I am sorry to say, Sir," said my trusted <em>employé</em>, "that I have had an accident. While I was dusting the military enlistment card——"</p> @@ -608,7 +569,7 @@ to the gratitude of my client to my learned and distinguished friend, I readily accepted the apologies of the penitent <span class="sc">Wilkins</span>.</p> <p>"I will put it allright to-morrow, Sir," said my distressed -<em>employé</em>. "I will get some glass, fix up your enlistment card, and +<em>employé</em>. "I will get some glass, fix up your enlistment card, and have it done before I rebuild the pantry and whitewash the ceiling of the bath-room."</p> @@ -655,7 +616,7 @@ I thought I would surprise the lady who does me the honour to bear my name, by telling her that I had become a rich man after I had cashed the cheque I was sure to receive. All the following day I made plans for the spending of my fortune. I would have a box in -the Highlands, a <em>pied-à-terre</em> in Paris, and a pyramid in Egypt. I +the Highlands, a <em>pied-à -terre</em> in Paris, and a pyramid in Egypt. I would present my Inn with a massive gold snuff-box, and <span class="sc">Portington</span> should have a silver-mounted meerschaum. If my age did not bar my progress, I would seek service in the Militia—as a @@ -939,7 +900,7 @@ Eastern Fable.</span>—The "Travelling Rug" of Western fact.</p> <div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/033-1500.png"><img src="images/033-600.png" width="600" height="451" alt="THE COUNTER-CHECK QUARRELSOME." /></a> <h3 class="sans">THE COUNTER-CHECK QUARRELSOME.</h3> -<p><em>Mr. Æsopus Delasparre.</em> "<span class="sc">I will ask you to favour me, Madam, by +<p><em>Mr. Æsopus Delasparre.</em> "<span class="sc">I will ask you to favour me, Madam, by refraining from laughing at me on the Stage during my Third Act.</span>"</p> @@ -1005,7 +966,7 @@ that his wedding present is waiting for him here, if he will come and fetch it. The dealer asks 2,000 lire. I understand shopping in Italy. Early one morning offer him 50. He at once comes down to 1,000. I go up to 100. Discuss for one hour, haggle for another -hour, dispute angrily for a third. Then go off to <em>déjeuner</em>. Closing +hour, dispute angrily for a third. Then go off to <em>déjeuner</em>. Closing prices—dealer 725, myself 250. Back again after interval for refreshment. Begin quietly. Opening prices—dealer 720, myself 251. Discussion, haggling, dispute as before. Indignant marchings @@ -1139,7 +1100,7 @@ rule. Possibly, I may not. But in any case I ought to add that, being beaten by Mrs. <span class="sc">Havitt</span> has not—well, improved the domestic atmosphere. Wifely devotion seems to be -out of fashion in these <em>fin de siècle</em> days.</p> +out of fashion in these <em>fin de siècle</em> days.</p> <hr class="medium" /> @@ -1176,8 +1137,8 @@ Jappy New Year to you!</p> <h3 class="sans">VIVE LE TAILLEUR DU ROI.</h3> <p class="ind1"> -["Le duc d'Orléans a voulu donner une -leçon aux mauvais patriotes; il habite +["Le duc d'Orléans a voulu donner une +leçon aux mauvais patriotes; il habite Londres, il charge un tailleur parisien du soin de garnir sa garde-robe."—<em>French Press.</em>] @@ -1185,7 +1146,7 @@ Press.</em>] <div class="poem width21"> <div class="stanza"> <p>Along the boulevard's busy curb</p> -<p class="i2">That bristles bravely with <em>étrennes</em>,</p> +<p class="i2">That bristles bravely with <em>étrennes</em>,</p> <p>A thing has threatened to disturb</p> <p class="i2">The careless <em>vie parisienne;</em></p> <p>It isn't spies or journalist blackmailers,</p> @@ -1200,7 +1161,7 @@ Press.</em>] </div><div class="stanza"> <p>Now while in matters of the gown</p> <p class="i2">The <em>monde</em> of Paris sets the <em>mode</em>,</p> -<p>Their gay <em>flâneurs</em> that paint the town</p> +<p>Their gay <em>flâneurs</em> that paint the town</p> <p class="i2">Long since affect a foreign code,</p> <p>Developing in fact a steady passion</p> <p>For dressing in the latest London fashion.</p> @@ -1237,8 +1198,8 @@ Press.</em>] <p class="i2">To guide in France the statesman's game</p> <p>The casual ignited straw</p> <p class="i2">Will set the camel's hump aflame;</p> -<p>A <em>redingote</em> may raise enough <em>éclat</em></p> -<p>To bring about a pretty <em>coup d'état</em>.</p> +<p>A <em>redingote</em> may raise enough <em>éclat</em></p> +<p>To bring about a pretty <em>coup d'état</em>.</p> </div> </div> <hr class="medium" /> @@ -1370,12 +1331,12 @@ limits of a paragraph, to particularise. Messrs <span class="sc">Barrett</span> and <span class="sc">Lennard</span> are to be congratulated, and, as <em>Hamlet</em> says, "The Pantomime's the thing," and, as Shakspearian readers will remember, <em>Hamlet's</em> father went to -<em>matinées</em>,—wasn't it "his custom always of an afternoon"?—only +<em>matinées</em>,—wasn't it "his custom always of an afternoon"?—only there's no sleeping here, but everyone very wide awake, and all "going home to tea" thoroughly satisfied with <em>Santa Claus</em>. Who says <em>Le Roi Pantomime est mort</em>, when the Lyceum is crowded for -<em>matinées</em>, and, outside the doors of Old Drury, daily and +<em>matinées</em>, and, outside the doors of Old Drury, daily and nightly appear the placards, "House Full"?</p> <hr class="medium" /> @@ -1475,7 +1436,7 @@ never is at a premium, save when it is mistaken for vice.</p> -<p class="ind"><em>A blasé Man of the World.</em> +<p class="ind"><em>A blasé Man of the World.</em> And yet, in spite of all this, I have had a pleasant evening.</p> @@ -1654,382 +1615,7 @@ Wikipedia gives 'Dost Mohammed.'</p> </div> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. -108, January 19, 1895, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 19, 1895 *** - -***** This file should be named 42480-h.htm or 42480-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/4/8/42480/ - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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