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diff --git a/42478-8.txt b/42478-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 93a0ef3..0000000 --- a/42478-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1606 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, January -12th, 1895, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, January 12th, 1895 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: April 7, 2013 [EBook #42478] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 12TH, 1895 *** - - - - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - * * * * * - -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - -VOL. 108, JANUARY 12, 1895. - -_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ - - * * * * * - - - - -TALL TALES OF SPORT AND ADVENTURE. - -(_By Mr. Punch's own Short Story-teller._) - -INTRODUCTION. - -Not many living men, and even fewer in the ages that are past, -have--if I may use the word--sported with greater assiduity and -success than I have during a life which is even now little past its -middle period. At one time on horseback, at another on the bounding -and impulsive elephant; now bestriding the matchless dromedary on his -native prairie, now posted on foot in a jungle crowded with golden -pheasants in all the native splendour of their plumage; sometimes -matching my solitary craft against a host of foxes on the swelling -uplands of Leicestershire, sometimes facing the Calydonian boar or the -sanguinary panther in their woodland lairs, dealing showers of leaden -death from a hundred tubes, or tracking my fearful prey by the lonely -light of a wax vesta and despatching it at midnight with my trusty -bowie--wherever there were leagues to be walked, risks to be run, -or fastnesses to be rushed there not only have I been the first, but -(paradoxical as it may appear) there also have I succeeded and have -never been successfully followed. My experiences are therefore unique, -and it is in the hope that they may to some extent profit a younger -generation, less inured, I fear, to hardship and danger than my own, -that I now set pen to paper and recount some of the exploits that have -made my name famous wherever sport is loved and true sportsmen are -revered. - -A less modest man might have said more, but one whose deeds speak -for him in every quarter of the world may well be content to leave to -punier men the ridiculous trumpeting braggadocio that too often makes -so-called sportsmen the laughing stock of society. For myself, I can -never forget the lesson I learned at an early age from my dear father, -himself a shikari of no common order, though to be sure, as he himself -would be the first to admit if he were alive, the exploits of the son -(I had no brothers) have now thrust the parental performances into -the background. Still, it was my father who first inculcated upon my -infant mind the daring, the ignorance of fear, the contempt of danger, -and the iron endurance which have since made me a household word. -Heaven rest the old man! He sleeps his last sleep far away in the -Desert of Golden Sand, with no head-stone to mark his resting-place, -and neither the roaring of his old enemies the tigers, nor the -bellowing of the countless alligators who infest the spot can rouse -him any more. Alas! it was trustfulness that destroyed him. He was -gored to death by a favourite rhinoceros that he had rescued at a -tender age when its mother was killed, and had brought up to know and, -as he thought, to love him. But I have always thought myself that the -rhinoceros was a treacherous brute, and though I have often been -asked to tame one, for presentation to this or that Emperor, I have -consistently declined. - -Marvellous, however, as my father was in his day for his exploits and -his variegated bags of game, he was perhaps even more wonderful for -the unswerving accuracy with which he was accustomed to relate his -adventures. Far and wide over the steppes of Central Asia, the burning -regions of equatorial Africa, the precipitous haunts of the -American Grizzly, and the wild retreats of the ferocious Albanian -pig--everywhere, in short, where he had set foot or drawn trigger, -this peculiarity of his was known and appreciated, and many a -respectful _sobriquet_ did it earn for him from the savage tribes -amongst whom he spent the best years of his life. In Kashmir he was -known as _Peili Ton_, that is, the man who cannot lie; amongst the -swarthy Zambesians the name of _Govun Bettîr_ (the Undefeated and -Veracious Man) was a name to conjure with even when in their moments -of warlike passion the tribesmen rushed madly through their primeval -thickets, shouting their terrible war-cry, "_Itzup ures Leeve_," that -is, "Death to the white-faced robbers." - -[Illustration: "He had indeed seen ten bocks."] - -But what I wished specially to relate about my poor father was the -lesson of truthfulness which he inculcated upon me at an early age. He -and I (I was then but a lad of twelve) had been hunting the ferocious -Pilsener gemsbock through the wild Lagerland in which he makes his -home. It happened one morning that we had parted company. To me was -assigned the duty of beating through the Bier-Wald, the dense forest -which stretches mile upon mile in unbroken gloom to the confines of -the Boose-See. The Fates were propitious. Wherever I turned I saw -a victim, and one after another I brought down with unerring aim -twenty-four (as I thought) of these noble animals, whose horns are -now worth a king's ransom, and might, even in those distant days, have -rescued a minor German Prince from captivity. Hastening home with -my booty loaded upon my back--I was a strong boy for my age, but of -course nothing to what I have since become--I met my dear father just -as I reached the door of the hut which served us for hunting quarters. -Joyously I cast down my burden, and sprang to his side. But my father -wore an expression of annoyance, and I soon discovered that the luck -had been against him. He had indeed seen ten bocks, but for some -reason his aim had lacked its accustomed deadliness, and he had come -back empty-handed. I condoled with him in a boy's artless fashion, and -proceeded to tell him how fortunate I had been. - -"How many have you shot?" he asked me. - -"Twenty-four," was my reply. - -"Count them," said my father. - -I did so, and you may judge of my astonishment when I found that -twenty-six had fallen to my gun. I counted again and again. Yes, there -were twenty-six of them. With one of my shots I must have brought down -three. In the agitation of the moment I had overlooked this. I told -my father that I had made a slight mistake, and endeavoured to explain -how it had arisen. But my father was inexorable. - -"A lie," he said, "is a lie. You said you had shot twenty-four, you -have actually killed twenty-six. You must suffer." - -Over the rest of the painful scene I draw a veil. The shrieks of my -mother, who implored pardon for me on her bended knees, still seem to -ring in my ears. Since that time I have always respected not only -the strict truth, but also the leather thongs which are in use in the -Lagerland for the droves of untameable cattle that roam the prairies. -This was my lesson, and I have never, never forgotten it. - - * * * * * - -TO AN OLD FLAME.--(TWENTY YEARS AFTER.) - - A little girl, a charming tiny tot, - I well remember you with many a curl, - Although I recollect you said, "I'm not - A _little_ girl." - - We parted. Mid the worry and the whirl - Of life, again, alas! I saw you not. - I kept you in my memory as a pearl - Of winsome childhood. So imagine what - A shock it was this morning to unfurl - My morning paper, there to see you've got - A little girl! - - * * * * * - -SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR.--The _Pall Mall Gazette_ announced last Friday -that "a bevy of head-masters will appear in the pulpit of St. Paul's -this month." How many go to a "bevy" we are not aware, though perhaps -we might ascertain it from Sir DRURIOLANUS, who could inform us, after -several crowded houses, how many go to see the "bevy," and how many -combine to make up a "bevy," of ballet beauties in the pantomime; but -putting it say at a dozen, the bevy of head-masters in their caps and -gowns would find the pulpit of St. Paul's rather a tight fit. Pretty -sight though, anyway. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: HARLEQUIN HARCOURT, THE SLEEPING BEAUTY, AND THE -FINANCIAL FAIRY PRINCE.--(_See "New Year's Day Dream."_)] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A HEAVY RESPONSIBILITY. - -(_Hounds going from Covert to Covert._) - -_Master Jack_ (_to M.F.H._). "I SAY, YOU KNOW, AWFUL NUISANCE THE WAY -THESE WOMEN FOLLOW A FELLOW OVER _EVERYTHING!_ MAKES A MAN HAVE TO BE -SO BEASTLY CAREFUL WHAT HE _JUMPS_, DON'T YOU KNOW!"] - - * * * * * - -THE NEW YEAR'S DAY DREAM. - - _A Tennysonian Fragment from the Popular Pantomime of - "Harlequin Harcourt, the Sleeping Beauty, and the Financial - Fairy Prince."_ - - ["The Revenue Returns," says the _Daily News_, "for the - expired three quarters of the financial year show that a sum - of close upon £62,000,000 has been paid into the Exchequer. - The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER'S estimated revenue for the - whole year was a little over £94,000,000. This is regarded as - an indication of the revival of trade, and the promise of a - substantial surplus for the next Budget."] - -THE ARRIVAL. - - All blessèd boons, though coming late, - To those who wait them issue forth, - For skill in sequel works with fate, - And draws the veil from hidden worth. - He comes, great keeper of our tin, - He is no Tory _Hurlo-Thrumbo!_ - A fairy Prince, with triple chin, - And heavy-footed as poor _Jumbo!_ - - He comes, scarce knowing what he seeks, - Though he has heard of Sleeping Beauties. - He hath been dreaming many weeks - Of Income Tax, Stamps, and Death Duties. - He'd charmed the party with his talk - Of Graduation; now grey fear - Knocks at his ribs, his cheek's like chalk, - With thoughts of Revenue for the Year. - - More close and close his footsteps wind, - The next year's Budget on his heart. - From Stamps and Liquor will he find - Big plums? Will rich taxpayers "part"? - Here's sleeping Trade! "Lor! what a lark!" - He thinks. "To wake her--were a spree! - A kiss _may_ lift those lashes dark; - She can't resist a buss--from Me!" - -THE REVIVAL. - - A touch, a smack! A boxèd ear. - There came the sound of a smart slap. - The Fairy Prince, with cry of fear, - His hand unto his cheek did clap. - The Sleeping Beauty gave a gape, - A wide-mouthed yawn, a long-drawn stretch. - _He_ rubbed his chins. "This _is_ a jape! - I _knew_ my style the girl would fetch! - - "In spite of all that WILSON says,[*] - I trust those Revenue Returns. - She _does_ revive! Be mine the praise! - By Jove, though, how my left ear burns! - I told 'em that I'd do the trick - With my new fakement, the Death Duties. - Come, Miss, wake up! Revive, dear, quick! - You sleepiest of Sleeping Beauties!" - - At last sweet slumbering Trade awoke, - And on her couch her form upreared. - The Prince smiled, rubbed his chins, and spoke. - "Ah, WILSON'S prophecy is queered. - He swore that you would _not_ revive, - In his Cassandra-like Review, - But don't sit yawning! Look alive! - Or men will swear I've humbugged you!" - - "All right!" said sleepy Trade. "But still - My joints feel somewhat stiff or so. - Say, have you passed that Irish Bill - You schemed--_how_ long was it ago?" - The Chancellor subdued a curse, - Which scarce would serve for a reply, - But dallied with his well-filled purse, - And smiling, put the question by. - -[Footnote: * In a pessimistic editorial article, opening the new -volume of the _Investor's Review_.] - - * * * * * - -A TALL ORDER. - - ["The Emperor WILLIAM is to have the Grand Order of the - Imperial Chrysanthemum (the Japanese Garter) to add to his - collection, 'in recognition of the services rendered by German - officers to Japanese officers in instructing them in military - and naval science.'"--_Daily Chronicle._] - - Oh, the Fatherland, the happy Fatherland, - With fresh happiness will hum, - When their Emperor shall the Order wear - Of the Jap Chry-san-the-mum! - He's "a daisy" now, as the world doth know; - But, oh! _won't_ he be thrice happy, - When he sports the badge of the Golden Flower - Of the cute and grateful Jappy? - If JOHN CHINAMAN in the little Jap - Has most surely caught a Tartar, - Jap learned to war 'neath the Teuton Star, - So will send him the Jap "Garter." - BULL has given him tips, and has built him ships, - But the Jap don't badge J. B. - No! Peace and War, like most other things, - Are now "made in Ger-ma-ny"! - - * * * * * - -"SENTIMENT" FOR OLD-FASHIONED PLAY-GOERS.--"May that confounded 'Woman -with a Past,' who monopolises the Present, have no Future!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A WINTER'S TALE. - -_Benevolent Person_ (_recognising an old protégé_). "ROGERS, I'M SORRY -TO SEE YOU IN THIS CONDITION! I UNDERSTOOD YOU HAD TAKEN THE PLEDGE!" - -_Rogers._ "YOU'RE QUI' RI', SIR. ONLY Y' SEE THE WATER'S FROZEN 'T THE -MAIN DOWN OUR STREET!"] - - * * * * * - -THAT PRECIOUS DONKEY! - -(_An Episode in the Life of A. Briefless, Junior, Esq., -Barrister-at-Law, in Three Parts._) - -PART I.--_The Coming into Possession of the Donkey._ - -"Yes, Sir," said my excellent and admirable clerk, PORTINGTON, "he -came here three times, about a month ago. We thought he was mad, so -would not let him in. But the third time he left that parcel and that -letter. You see, Sir, they are tied together, and as there was a bomb -scare on at the time, we did not touch them. That's how it comes, Sir, -that you have not had them earlier." - -I must confess I was a little annoyed. I frequently absent myself from -Pump-Handle Court for days and even weeks together, and then I expect -my clerical (I use the adjective in its non-ecclesiastical sense) -representative to forward my correspondence. - -"It cannot be helped, PORTINGTON," I replied; "all I care for are the -interests of my clients. If the visitor was one anxious to lay -his case before me, I can only trust he has not suffered by my -unpremeditated absence." - -"I do not think he will have to complain of that, Sir. And as to his -case, we don't know whether it is one; none of us like to touch the -parcel, lest it should go off." - -"You mean with a report--it must get reported," I suggested, with a -smile. I allow myself a little frolicsome levity at Yuletide. "Well, -where is it?" - -"In your room, Sir," and PORTINGTON led the way to my special -apartment. - -I found my chamber tenanted by a miscellaneous collection of articles. -Truth to tell I do not use my rooms very frequently, and consequently -it has become a sort of a proverb amongst my co-parceners in -Pump-Handle Court, _à propos_ of anything of a cumbersome character, -"When in doubt, put it into BRIEFLESS'S cupboard." Not that I really -occupy a cupboard; my room (I lay the emphasis on the word) is far -more commodious than the largest specimen of those receptacles. -Consequently, I was not altogether surprised to find collected -together a banjo-case, some curtain rods, a number of framed pictures, -and a damaged bicycle. In the centre of the room was an oblong parcel, -to which was tied an envelope, doubtless containing an enclosure. - -With some slight trepidation--I had no wish to accompany Pump-Handle -Court to the skies--I opened the letter. It ran as follows:-- - -"To A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR, ESQ.--Dear and Honoured Sir,--I have long -desired to show you some token of goodwill. I have frequently read -your contributions to the leading legal paper of the day (I refer, -of course, to the _London Charivari_), and have been filled with -admiration at the clearness of your style and the depth of your -knowledge of what may be termed the duplex action of the human heart. -As I happen to be Emperor of CHINA I write anonymously. I have been -ruined by law and the lawyers. You have never represented me or -opposed me. For this I am very, very grateful, and beg you to accept -the accompanying present. It is a ---- But hush, we are observed." - -And at this point the document abruptly terminated. I read the letter -to PORTINGTON, and asked his opinion upon it. He replied abruptly he -"considered the writer a lunatic." - -"Well, no, I do not think we can go quite so far as that," I observed. -"You see, he seems to have some appreciation of my talents. He may be -a trifle eccentric, but I fancy nothing worse." - -Encouraged by this belief in the sanity of my semi-anonymous (I use -the epithet advisedly, as I take it that the incidental claim to the -throne of the Celestial Empire was not urged seriously) correspondent, -I opened the package. The brown paper unwound and a picture was -revealed to us. It had evidently been painted for many years. The -frame (which, in PORTINGTON'S opinion, was the best portion of the -structure) was distinctly old-fashioned. The gilding was tarnished and -the woodwork out of repair. - -"What is the subject?" I asked, after three or four minutes' close -inspection. - -"I think, Sir," replied my excellent and admirable clerk, "that it's -something to do with a donkey." - -PORTINGTON was right. On closer investigation the painting revealed -itself to be the representation of a cottage in the snow, with some -villagers drawing water from a half-frozen pond in the neighbourhood -of a rather intelligent donkey, who was watching their proceedings -with languid interest. - -"Certainly it is a donkey," I exclaimed; "and, to my thinking, a very -fine one." - -"What shall we do with it, Sir?" asked PORTINGTON. "It's no good here; -shall I give it to the dustman? He would take it away if we asked -him." - -For a moment I thought my clerical (I use the adjective in its -non-ecclesiastical sense) representative was indulging in jocularity. -I found I was in error. PORTINGTON was absolutely serious. - -"You evidently do not know the value of some of these old frames. Of -course I shall take the picture with me to my private residence." - -I carried out my intention. The canvas presentment of the donkey and -accessories was carefully conveyed in a four-wheeler to Justinian -Gardens, where I have rented for some years a very pleasant house. -The lady who has honoured me by taking my name, and whom in my more -playful humour I sportively term my "better seven-eighths," received -me. - -"I hope you have brought the music from the Stores," said the lady, -after our first greetings. "I suppose that package came from Victoria -Street?" - -"No, my precious one," I replied; I sometimes use terms of endearment -to the members of my domestic circle. "It is a picture given to me by -a grateful client." - -"Client!" she exclaimed; "and a grateful one! What a find! But why -bring it here? Haven't we already more pictures than we want? Why at -this moment there's half-a-dozen of extra plates from the Christmas -numbers that you _would_ have framed, waiting to be hung." - -"But this, my love, is an oil-painting, with what I judge to be a very -valuable old-fashioned frame." - -By this time my present was revealed. - -"Why, it's only the picture of a donkey!" exclaimed my better -seven-eighths, with a laugh. "We really don't want that sort of thing -in the hall or reception rooms." - -"But it is really very fine!" I urged. "Look at the handling of that -donkey's ears. And the frame, too, is simply magnificent." - -"I don't so much mind the frame. We might take out the picture and put -in '_The Arrival of the Boulogne Boat_,' the Christmas supplement to -the _Young Lady's Boudoir_, in its stead. And yet it is just as likely -as not to spoil it. No, I think we had better put picture and frame in -the box-room." - -"But my dear," I remonstrated; "this may be a very valuable picture. -The head of the donkey is quite remarkable and ----" - -"Now do we want portraits of donkeys about the house? The boxroom or -the dust-hole is the proper place for them." - -"I know you objected to my own likeness--you see the connection with -the donkey, dear?" I sometimes make rather humorous remarks during the -continuance of the festive season. - -"Don't be silly! But this hideous thing should really go into the -box-room." And so it went. Perhaps on a future occasion I may trace -the further adventures of my grateful client's gift. In my poor -judgment they are distinctly interesting and instructive. - - * * * * * - -A DREAM OF THE NEW WOMAN. - - She dreamed the doom that Fate pronounces - Against the woman ceased to be, - She dreamed her brain weighed three more ounces, - And was of finer quality. - - Her iron nerves all fear derided, - She saw a mouse, but did not run. - With pockets she was well provided, - And she could fire a Maxim gun. - - She had abjured each female folly, - Hygienic dress she always wore, - With stern, determined melancholy - The universe she pondered o'er. - - Of man in all respects the equal, - At last her heart's desire was hers. - Only, like every other sequel, - Her sequel proved a touch perverse. - - She sighed, "My mind with facts is loaded, - No golden vision it retains. - Even Nirvana is exploded, - And, save the Atom, nought remains! - - "Each ray of light a mental prism - Must needs determine and arrest. - My life is one long syllogism, - Without a parenthetic jest. - - "I who was wont to kneel revering, - In manly chivalry confide, - Am all alone my vessel steering-- - And yet I am unsatisfied! - - "The gingerbread has lost its gilding - That from afar appeared sublime. - I for eternity am building-- - 'Twas not amiss to build for time! - - "The pilgrimage was long and painful, - Cheerless and cold the heights I win-- - About me hangs a shadow baneful - Of that Eternal Feminine. - - "Alas, I have not learned my lesson! - I feel a frantic, mad despair. - I'd like to put an evening dress on, - And many roses in my hair! - - "My heart desires the old romances, - The fictions dear all facts above, - The flowers, the ices, and the dances, - The days of youth, the days of--Love. - - "That giddy whirl, that senseless splendour, - Was dear, although I said it bored, - Agnosticism I'd surrender - Once, once again, to be adored! - - "I wished my brain had three more ounces, - For them I bartered happiness; - My heart the new _regime_ denounces, - I wish it had three ounces less!" - - She woke. A subtle sense pervaded - Her mind of being someone great; - But very speedily it faded, - Her brain regained its normal state. - - She said: "I'd beat them all at college - If I could have those ounces back; - Only--I should not like my knowledge - To make me cleverer than--JACK!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: MARK TAPLEY REDIVIVUS. - -"CH-CH-K-K-KKKKK-N-N-NICE S-S-S-SEASONABLE WEATHER THIS, -MATE--K-K-KKK!"] - - * * * * * - -ODYLLIC FORCE. - -(_Vide "Daily Graphic" passim._) - - Odyllic Force! O mystic power divine! - O greater than magician's might!--of course - You know the virtues of this gift of mine, - Odyllic Force! - - I can command the vasty deep. I say - Unto the elemental storm--"Be still!" - It may be that the sea will not obey, - But what of that? Deny it if ye may, - Still I command; still, still by night and day - Despite all scorn, I exercise my will - And on the troubled surface of the main - Fresh from my soul, fresh from its limpid source, - I pour my subtle influence--I rain - Odyllic Force. - - I say unto the weather--"Be thou fine!" - And straightway, if it be not foul, 'tis fair. - Nay, at my word the very sun will shine - If it should haply chance no clouds are there. - And should the temperature not fall below - The freezing point, until the twenty-first - Frost shall be all unknown, and ice and snow, - And plumbers; and the taps shall freely flow, - Nor shall the leaden pipes presume to show - The shadow of a tendency to burst. - Nay, if the weather be not somewhat cold - It shall be warm. The budding gems of gold, - Should they appear, we shortly may behold, - Flashing amid the prickles of the gorse. - So for the good of man, and beast, and flower - I diligently use my mystic power, - And ever exercise from hour to hour; - Odyllic Force. - - Thus do the elements obey my call. - Thus do I influence the Seasons' course - Thus do I exercise for great and small, - The king, the lord, the beggar, one and all, - Odyllic Force. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: ! ! ! ! ! - -_Lily_ (_from Devonshire, on a visit to her Scotch Cousin Margy in St. -Andrews, N.B._). "WHAT A STRANGE THING FASHION IS, MARGY! FANCY A GAME -LIKE GOLF REACHING UP AS FAR NORTH AS THIS!"] - - * * * * * - -"WHO SAID--'ATROCITIES'?" - -OR, "THERE'S LIFE IN THE OLD DOG YET." - - ["It was my fate, my fortune, about, I think, eighteen years - ago to take an active part with regard to other outrages, - which first came up in the shape of rumour, but were - afterwards well verified, in Bulgaria.... Old as I am, my - feelings have not been deadened in regard to matters of such - a dreadful description."--_Mr. Gladstone's Birthday Speech - at Hawarden, December 29, 1894, on the alleged Armenian - Atrocities._] - - Retirement? Oh, rubbish! Tykes currish or cubbish - May curl up in kennels, or snug up in straw, - But dogs of right mettle to rest will not settle, - While sight's in the eye, and while snap's in the jaw. - A bed in a basket? Mere mongrels may ask it. - A couch and a cushion? They're lap-dog delights. - But pluck and true breeding, such comforts unheeding, - Desert laps and hearth-rugs for frolics and fights. - - Retired! How rats chortle! Like "_Rab_" the immortal - This dog scorns dull rest, and is still "rough on rats." - As always delighting in "plenty o' fechting," - He pricks up his ears at a whisper of "s-s-scats!" - Aslumber and dreaming? Oh, that is mere seeming, - Curled up tail to muzzle in cosiest sort. - His hairs are a-bristle at whisper or whistle - That gives the least promise of scrimmage or sport. - - On rats he's still ruthless! They may think him toothless, - Those red Turkish rodents who once felt his fangs. - Ah! eighteen years earlier his coat was much curlier, - Now white and whispy sparse-scattered it hangs. - But years though they roughen his hide, seem to toughen - The muscles and nerves of this rare sporting tyke. - The rattling old ratter is still game to scatter - A pitful of vermin, of what breed you like. - - The Istamboul sort are his favourite sport, - Rabid rodents who raven, red-fanged, in foul hordes, - Turco sewer-bred legions, who earth's fairest regions - Would ravage like TAMERLANE'S Tartar-swung swords. - Terrors untameable, horrors unnameable, - Mark their maraudings and hang on their track. - Now in fresh numbers they swarm, whilst he slumbers - Who once was the plague of the pestilent pack. - - But--_Who said--Atrocities?_ Old animosities - Wake in his spirit and stir in his blood. - Eh? What? Retirement? Nay, not if requirement, - Or prospect of sport, move the old champion's mood. - His heart has not deadened; his old eyes have reddened - With love of the fray and the old righteous wrath. - The varmint old ratter his old foes would scatter. - "Auld _Rab_" once again will be on the war-path! - - * * * * * - -"BON JOUR, PHILIPPINE!" - - "They grew in beauty side by side, - They filled one home with glee"-- - Until that evening at dessert - You passed the nuts to me. - Then came the "crack of doom," the twins - No sooner had you seen - Than, "Oh, what fun!" you said, "we'll have - A _Bon jour_, PHILIPPINE!" - - "They grew in beauty side by side, - They filled one home with glee"-- - Until they found respective graves - Alas! in you and me. - And then to win a gift next morn - We vowed with solemn mien, - Whoe'er should greet the other first - With "_Bon jour_, PHILIPPINE!" - - "_Bon jour_"--I dreamt of it all night, - At dawn recalled it yet, - But clean forgot it whilst I shaved-- - At breakfast then we met. - I'd only time, I know, to think - Maid sweeter ne'er was seen, - When you, with laughter-dancing eyes, - Cried, "_Bon jour_, PHILIPPINE!" - - And so you won a gift from me, - And chose that I should write - These verses, which I've pondered o'er - For many a sleepless night! - I'll never crack another nut, - When you are there, I mean; - Yet may you greet me often--save - With "_Bon jour_, PHILIPPINE!" - - * * * * * - -MOTTO FOR MODERN MANAGERS.--The proper study of (theatre-going) -Mankind is--the _New Woman._ - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "WHO SAID--'ATROCITIES'?" - -(_After the Popular Engraving._) - -"OLD AS I AM, MY FEELINGS HAVE NOT BEEN DEADENED IN REGARD TO MATTERS -OF SUCH A DREADFUL DESCRIPTION."--_Mr. Gladstone's Birthday Speech at -Hawarden on the Armenian Atrocities, December 29._] - - * * * * * - -THE VESTRYMAN. - -A COMIC SONG FOR SERIOUS CONSIDERATION. - -(_By an Elderly Victim of Bumbledom._) - - ["The London Vestries and Boards of Works have not exactly - covered themselves with glory in their dealings with the - recent snowfall. In very few neighbourhoods was any attempt - made on Wednesday to remove the slush, and Nature having - taking her course during the night, in the direction of a - frost early yesterday morning, the streets in many places - were absolutely impassable for wheeled traffic until a liberal - layer of sand and gravel had been spread."--_Daily Chronicle, - January 4._] - -AIR--"_The Bogie Man._" - - Come, gather round me, ratepayers, - So full of fun and glee; - New Bumble's going to play the fool - To please the L. C. C. - They swear that he is able - Improvements for to plan; - I love to hear Progressives say, - "Hush! The New Vestryman!" - -_Chorus._ - - _Slush! Slush!! Slush!!!_ - _Where is_ the Vestryman? - Are broom and shovel ready? - What _is_ his brand new plan? - Oh, Slush! Slush! Slush!-- - The footways never ran - With a worse slithery slippery slop, - 'Neath the Old Vestryman. - - When I sit down, impromptu, - All in a soft snow-pie; - Or slide a yard, then come down hard, - I groan, and wonder why. - I blow my blue numb fingers, - I watch a fast-stuck van; - Reform, I cry, seems all my eye. - Where _is_ that Vestryman? - -_Chorus._ - - _Slush! Slush!! Slush!!!_ - Why _is_ this, Vestryman? - Is this the outcome shady - Of the Progressive plan? - Oh, Slush! Slush! Slush! - No gravel, sand, or tan! - All slip and slop. I'd like to _whop_ - That blessed Vestryman!!! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: GRADATION. - -_Clerk_ (_to Curate_). "I'M TERRIBLE SORRY, ZUR, THAT YOU BE AGWAÏNE -TO LAVE US. WE'VE CHANGED EVER ZO MANY TIMES SINCE PASSEN GREEN DIED, -_AND ALWAYS FOR THE WUSS_!"] - - * * * * * - -TRAVELS IN TAFFY-LAND; OR, WALES BLOWING. - - [The Flint Town Council has censured the L. & N. W. Railway - for dismissing some of its servants for ignorance of the - English language.] - -Would you tell me, Porter, if the next train is the one for -Aberystwyth? - -I am really very much obliged for your reply, but as I have not a -Cymric dictionary at hand, I am totally unable even to guess at your -meaning. - -As the man points to the train which is now at the platform, and nods -vigorously, I suppose he means me to get in. Still, the fact that it -has "Llanrhychwyn" on it makes me a little doubtful whether I shall -ever reach Aberystwyth if I enter it. - -I am grateful for your attention, Guard, but it was a foot-warmer that -I asked for, not the newspaper-boy. - -As I have just been hurled down an embankment and find myself sitting -much bruised in a shallow pond in a field close to the line, I really -fancy that the Welsh-speaking signalman at the adjoining cabin has -failed to understand the message wired to him in English from our last -stopping station. - -I should be glad, Stationmaster, if you would kindly have a telegram -sent to my friends saying that I have only four ribs broken. - -As you do not appear to understand what I say, and as I suppose there -is nobody who knows English in this desolate Welsh valley where the -sufferers from the accident are lying, perhaps you will kindly have us -all sent back to Shrewsbury as soon as possible. - -The man lying next to me, whose arm is hurt, says that the train -was not going to Aberystwyth at all. So perhaps it is as well that -circumstances have prevented my proceeding further in it. - -We should undoubtedly have been much better off if this accident had -happened to us in France or Germany, because then we should have been -able to secure the services of the railway interpreter. - -Thank Heaven! I am back at Chester, where the hotel people _do_ talk -English; and in future I shall vote steadily at elections against -any party that does not make the total suppression of all so-called -"national tongues" within the British Isles a part of its recognised -programme. - - * * * * * - -OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. - -Mr. RUDOLF LEHMANN possesses some gifts which peculiarly qualify him -to write the volume SMITH, ELDER & CO. publish, under the title _An -Artist's Reminiscences_. He has passed the age of three-score and -ten, and has throughout that period had many opportunities of seeing -places, and, more precious, of meeting people. To the study of both -he brings keen sight, a good memory, and a genuine, not too obtrusive, -sense of humour. Born in Hamburg in 1819, he has sojourned in most of -the capitals of Europe, permanently settling down to marriage and life -in London. He seems to have known most of the notable personages of -the middle and latter half of the century. His wide acquaintance with -royalty (some of them mad) would be appalling if it were not mentioned -with winning modesty. The volume abounds in good stories, my -Baronite particularly delighting in one pertaining to the ceremony of -prorogation of parliament by the QUEEN. Mr. LEHMANN was much struck -with the spectacle of the old Duke of WELLINGTON carrying the sword of -state, Lord LANSDOWNE bearing the crown, and the Marquis of WINCHESTER -with the cap of maintenance set on red velvet cushion. At Lady -GRANVILLE'S the same evening he asked Lord GRANVILLE what was the -significance of the cap of maintenance. It was one of the few -things Lord GRANVILLE did not know. "But," he said, "there is Lord -WINCHESTER, who carried it this morning. I will go and ask him." The -two peers conversed in a whisper, and Lord GRANVILLE, returning to -his inquiring friend, said, "He does not know either." Mr. LEHMANN -incidentally mentions that his brother HENRY'S first success, at the -Salon of 1835, was gained by a picture setting forth "_Le Départ du -Jeune Tobie_." At that date TOBY had not even arrived to take his -place on the volumes in his master's study, and still less, was he -M.P. for Barks. It only shows how prophetic is the soul of genius. - - THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. - - * * * * * - -NEW YEAR REFLECTION. - -(_By an Old-fashioned Fellow._) - - "Goodwill to man!" the dear old carol saith. - Ah me! Then why so much mean personal pother? - We're credulous of aught that means the scathe - Of a sad sister, or a stumbling brother. - Men are like stout JOHN BUNYAN'S "Little Faith,"-- - Save in believing evil of each other! - There faith indeed is strong; but 'tis a rarity - That such strange Faith is found combined with Charity! - - * * * * * - -MEM. BY A MUSER.--Many a spouting member of the "Independent Labour -Party" is a "party" who wishes to be independent of labour. _Hardie_ -Norsemen, please note! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PREPARING FOR THE PARLIAMENTARY PANTOMIME. THEATRE -ROYAL, ST. STEPHEN'S. - -PARTY COLOURISTS AT WORK ON THE PROPERTIES.] - - * * * * * - -TO JULIA'S POCKET. - - [The ideal lady's pocket, that shall at once be accessible - to its owner and defy the footpad's art, has yet to be - invented.--_Wears of Tautologus._] - - My JULIA'S chaste and winsome cheer, - Her comely lip, her coral ear, - And eke her knickerbocker gear,-- - - These be the theme of rhyming folk, - Whereof the skill I here invoke - In malediction of her poke; - - In that it passeth human wit - By sleight of hand withal to hit - Upon the pathless track of it. - - Though JULIA'S self therein dispose' - That napkin with the which she blows - For sorry rheum her Greekish nose, - - Not if she search with heavy pain - Shall she by taking thought attain - To look upon the thing again; - - To him alone of mortal clay - That picketh pokes beside the way - Their deeps are open as the day. - - Whenas her alms she would disburse, - In vain she probeth for her purse, - Whereat the beggars shrewdly curse; - - Even so their teeth do felons gnash - That lightly lift her ready cash, - Which he that stealeth stealeth trash. - - Oft-times she doth full bravely hold - Her breezy reticule of gold - Within her digits' dainty fold; - - As certain maids, I well believe, - Do wear th' affections on their sleeve - For any worthless wight to reave. - - But though her purse not suffer rape, - Mischance is like in other shape - To put on her a saucy jape;-- - - If so my lady at the mart - For very joyaunce of her heart - Do purchase her a pasty tart, - - Let her not make essay to bring - So beauteous and frail a thing - Within her poke's encompassing; - - Lest, sitting down with weary stress, - Unheedful of its buxomness, - She make a right unseemly mess! - - Certes a man purblind may see - For these offences needs must be - Some comfortable remedy; - - Whoso deviseth such an one, - I trow that his inventiòn - Shall soothly pouch the peerless bun. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Gertrude._ "MY DEAR JESSIE, WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT -BICYCLE SUIT FOR?" - -_Jessie._ "WHY, TO WEAR, OF COURSE." - -_Gertrude._ "BUT YOU HAVEN'T GOT A BICYCLE!" - -_Jessie._ "NO; BUT I'VE GOT A SEWING MACHINE!"] - - * * * * * - -NOTICES TO CORRESPONDENTS. - -_Perplexed._--You are entirely in error in supposing that the member -for Otley, Yorks, has, in accepting a baronetcy, descended from a -higher estate. You have been deceived by similarity of sound. The hon. -member was not of the same rank as a statesman (who we observe has -just repaired to his country seat at Pinley Park, where he will -entertain His Serene Highness the DUC DE SEIDLITZ-POUDRE) to whom -Sir ROBERT PEEL used to allude in the House of Commons as "the noble -Baron." In becoming Sir JOHN BARRAN, Bart., the member for Otley gains -a distinct step in the social ladder. - -_Blind, Deaf, and Dumb._--We are pleased to be able to reassure -you. The fact that you have not lately heard or read speeches by Sir -WILLIAM HARCOURT is no evidence that the treble disability under which -you unhappily labour is increasing. There is a well known case, cited -in Littleton upon Coke, where a man was not able to see the Spanish -fleet "because it is not yet in sight." For analogous reason you have -not lately heard anything of the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER. He has -not been speaking. The fact is, the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD--to use a title -by which he is locally known, and in which he most rejoices--was cut -out for a rustic recluse. Circumstances have, unwillingly, dragged him -into the front of politics, and he has done the duty that lies to his -hand. When opportunity can be made he takes his leisure at his -lodge in the New Forest, and meditates on the untimely fate of his -pre-Plantagenet forbear WILLIAM RUFUS. Nevertheless, we are not -without suspicion that Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT shares the peculiarity -of CARLYLE, of whom you will remember his wife shrewdly remarked that -"his love for silence is platonic." If you keep your ears open and -your mouth shut, you may probably, before long, hear the familiar -voice resounding from a public platform. - -_A Shakspearean Student._--We had not before heard of the incident. It -is, however, quite possible, as you have been informed, that when -the Marquis of SALISBURY, K.G., heard of the defection of the Earl of -BUCKINGHAMSHIRE, who has joined the Liberal forces, the only remark he -made was "Off with his head." - - * * * * * - -OVERHEARD FRAGMENT OF A DIALOGUE - -_Lord Illingworth._ My dear GORING, I assure you that a well-tied tie -is the first serious step in life. - -_Lord Goring._ My dear ILLINGWORTH, five well-made button-holes a day -are far more essential. They please women, and women rule society. - -_Lord Illingworth._ I understood you considered women of no -importance? - -_Lord Goring._ My dear GEORGE, a man's life revolves on curves of -intellect. It is on the hard lines of the emotions that a woman's -life progresses. Both revolve in cycles of masterpieces. They should -revolve on bi-cycles; built, if possible, for two. But I am keeping -you? - -[Illustration: "Full of good things!"] - -_Lord Illingworth._ I wish you were. Nowadays it is only the poor who -are kept at the expense of the rich. - -_Lord Goring._ Yes. It is perfectly comic, the number of young men -going about the world nowadays who adopt perfect profiles as a useful -profession. - -_Lord Illingworth._ Surely that must be the next world? How about the -Chiltern Thousands? - -_Lord Goring._ Don't. GEORGE. Have you seen WINDERMERE lately? Dear -WINDERMERE! I should like to be exactly unlike WINDERMERE. - -_Lord Illingworth._ Poor WINDERMERE! He spends his mornings in doing -what is possible, and his evenings in saying what is probable. By the -way, do you really understand all I say? - -_Lord Goring._ Yes, when I don't listen attentively. - -_Lord Illingworth._ Reach me the matches, like a good boy--thanks. -Now--define these cigarettes--as tobacco. - -_Lord Goring._ My dear GEORGE, they are atrocious. And they leave me -unsatisfied. - -_Lord Illingworth._ You are a promising disciple of mine. The only use -of a disciple is that at the moment of one's triumph he stands behind -one's chair and shouts that after all he is immortal. - -_Lord Goring._ You are quite right. It is as well, too, to remember -from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be learnt. - -_Lord Illingworth._ Certainly, and ugliness is the root of all -industry. - -_Lord Goring._ GEORGE, your conversation is delightful, but your views -are terribly unsound. You are always saying insincere things. - -_Lord Illingworth._ If one tells the truth, one is sure sooner or -later to be found out. - -_Lord Goring._ Perhaps. The sky is like a hard hollow sapphire. It is -too late to sleep. I shall go down to Covent Garden and look at the -roses. Good-night, GEORGE! I have had such a pleasant evening! - - * * * * * - -DEATH IN THE CUP. - - ["The social duty of paying calls, refreshed, as it - necessarily is, by frequent cups of tepid tea, is apparently - little better than a process of slow poisoning."--_Daily - Graphic._] - - Oh, here's a pretty state of things! Whenever you go calling, - And take this deadly liquor and imbibe it without stint, - You're certainly preparing a catastrophe appalling, - Your mirth is as the little lamb's, unmindful of the mint. - - And when your entertainer, who seems so sweetly placid - And quite unlike a criminal, suggests "Another cup?" - She might as well be offering a dose of prussic acid, - And the Public Prosecutor ought to take the matter up! - - "The cup that cheers"--that hackneyed phrase is frightfully in error, - If seldom it "inebriates" (it _does_, the doctors plead), - There lurks within its fatal draught a more efficient terror, - 'Twill shortly make a funeral your one and only need! - - So since a daily cup or two the thin end of the wedge is, - And since this revelation of our danger has been made, - We all will wear red ribbons and will sign the strictest pledges, - And speedily inaugurate an "Anti-Tea" crusade. - - A word to you, AMANDA mine. Unless your cruel kindness, - Your efforts to consign me to an early grave, shall cease, - And if you dare, presuming on my long-continued blindness, - To offer me a cup of tea--I'll send for the police! - -[Illustration: "A word to you, Amanda mine!"] - - * * * * * - -THE TIME OF DAY.--Good, after NEWNES to find the style "Bart." The -bestowal of the baronetcy quite a Tit-Bit for the Strand. But there -is no truth in the report that the event will be followed by the -establishment of a new morning paper to be called _The Dragon_, and -edited by Sir GEORGE. - - * * * * * - -THE CHRONICLES OF A RURAL PARISH. - -IX.--OF COAL. - -The County Council has solved the great Mudford mystery by deciding in -favour of Mrs. ARBLE MARCH, who is in the seventh heaven at being the -Seventh Councillor. A wise Legislature had it in contemplation that -possibly when the great measure came to be worked, it might not -be found to act, however much you pulled the string, and it was -accordingly left to the County Council to set on its legs any poor -little Parish Council which might have been brought into the world -without its full number of members. Thus it came about that Mrs. MARCH -got elected. The actual circumstances of her election gave rise -to some comment. She was proposed by the Primrose League Ruling -Councillor of one adjoining parish, and seconded by the Knight -Harbinger of another. Our County Council is a strongly Tory body, and -she was easily elected. There was a great outcry against this, as an -act of political partisanship. It was. But when it became known that -Mrs. LETHAM HAVITT'S friends and supporters were all avowed Radicals, -popular indignation seemed suddenly to flicker out. - -It may be, however, that the indignation only transferred itself to -me, for I myself have got, in a most extraordinary and unexpected -fashion, into a great hobble. It arose in this way. Having been -elected on to the Parish Council at the top of the poll, and -having, moreover, been subsequently the recipient of innumerable -congratulations from my fellow-parishioners, I not unnaturally--so I -still venture to think--desired in some way to show my appreciation of -the kind treatment I had received. I accordingly determined to make -to every elector a present of coals, and to carry out that intention -issued the following circular:-- - - _To the Electors of Mudford._ - -LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,--For your kindness in electing me at the top of -the poll, I can find no terms sufficiently warm to express myself. In -commemoration of the great occasion, and as a small thankoffering for -my return, I beg your acceptance of the enclosed Coal Ticket, which -will entitle you to 2 cwt. of coal from any of the village coal -dealers. - - Your obliged and obedient servant, - - TIMOTHY WINKINS. - -I sent this to every elector, high or low, rich or poor. I hardly -imagined that the Squire would want coal, but he was a constituent -of mine, and he had his ticket. What has been the result of my -generosity? This. Whilst almost every coal-ticket has been used, I -am denounced right and left in unmeasured terms as an unscrupulous -briber. Miss PHILL BURTT (who, as might be expected, has been most -kind and sympathetic about the whole thing), tells me that even the -Squire said it was a very ingenious way of wishing myself Many Happy -Returns to the Parish Council. A poor joke, I think, but an undeniably -excellent sneer. BLACK BOB is, as might be expected, much more -plain and direct in his denunciation. He says, that if I stand for -re-election--in April, 1896!--this ought to be enough to unseat me. -A pleasant prospect. I can do nothing. My boats, like my coal, are -burnt. - -What happened at the Parish Council meeting last night I must -leave--till my next. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SYMPATHY WANTED-- - -For the Man whose Collar comes undone every time he tries to do up his -Tie.] - - * * * * * - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, -January 12th, 1895, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 12TH, 1895 *** - -***** This file should be named 42478-8.txt or 42478-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/4/7/42478/ - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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