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diff --git a/42478-0.txt b/42478-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bc6fdb8 --- /dev/null +++ b/42478-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1215 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42478 *** + + * * * * * + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 108, JANUARY 12, 1895. + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + + + + +TALL TALES OF SPORT AND ADVENTURE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's own Short Story-teller._) + +INTRODUCTION. + +Not many living men, and even fewer in the ages that are past, +have--if I may use the word--sported with greater assiduity and +success than I have during a life which is even now little past its +middle period. At one time on horseback, at another on the bounding +and impulsive elephant; now bestriding the matchless dromedary on his +native prairie, now posted on foot in a jungle crowded with golden +pheasants in all the native splendour of their plumage; sometimes +matching my solitary craft against a host of foxes on the swelling +uplands of Leicestershire, sometimes facing the Calydonian boar or the +sanguinary panther in their woodland lairs, dealing showers of leaden +death from a hundred tubes, or tracking my fearful prey by the lonely +light of a wax vesta and despatching it at midnight with my trusty +bowie--wherever there were leagues to be walked, risks to be run, +or fastnesses to be rushed there not only have I been the first, but +(paradoxical as it may appear) there also have I succeeded and have +never been successfully followed. My experiences are therefore unique, +and it is in the hope that they may to some extent profit a younger +generation, less inured, I fear, to hardship and danger than my own, +that I now set pen to paper and recount some of the exploits that have +made my name famous wherever sport is loved and true sportsmen are +revered. + +A less modest man might have said more, but one whose deeds speak +for him in every quarter of the world may well be content to leave to +punier men the ridiculous trumpeting braggadocio that too often makes +so-called sportsmen the laughing stock of society. For myself, I can +never forget the lesson I learned at an early age from my dear father, +himself a shikari of no common order, though to be sure, as he himself +would be the first to admit if he were alive, the exploits of the son +(I had no brothers) have now thrust the parental performances into +the background. Still, it was my father who first inculcated upon my +infant mind the daring, the ignorance of fear, the contempt of danger, +and the iron endurance which have since made me a household word. +Heaven rest the old man! He sleeps his last sleep far away in the +Desert of Golden Sand, with no head-stone to mark his resting-place, +and neither the roaring of his old enemies the tigers, nor the +bellowing of the countless alligators who infest the spot can rouse +him any more. Alas! it was trustfulness that destroyed him. He was +gored to death by a favourite rhinoceros that he had rescued at a +tender age when its mother was killed, and had brought up to know and, +as he thought, to love him. But I have always thought myself that the +rhinoceros was a treacherous brute, and though I have often been +asked to tame one, for presentation to this or that Emperor, I have +consistently declined. + +Marvellous, however, as my father was in his day for his exploits and +his variegated bags of game, he was perhaps even more wonderful for +the unswerving accuracy with which he was accustomed to relate his +adventures. Far and wide over the steppes of Central Asia, the burning +regions of equatorial Africa, the precipitous haunts of the +American Grizzly, and the wild retreats of the ferocious Albanian +pig--everywhere, in short, where he had set foot or drawn trigger, +this peculiarity of his was known and appreciated, and many a +respectful _sobriquet_ did it earn for him from the savage tribes +amongst whom he spent the best years of his life. In Kashmir he was +known as _Peili Ton_, that is, the man who cannot lie; amongst the +swarthy Zambesians the name of _Govun Bettîr_ (the Undefeated and +Veracious Man) was a name to conjure with even when in their moments +of warlike passion the tribesmen rushed madly through their primeval +thickets, shouting their terrible war-cry, "_Itzup ures Leeve_," that +is, "Death to the white-faced robbers." + +[Illustration: "He had indeed seen ten bocks."] + +But what I wished specially to relate about my poor father was the +lesson of truthfulness which he inculcated upon me at an early age. He +and I (I was then but a lad of twelve) had been hunting the ferocious +Pilsener gemsbock through the wild Lagerland in which he makes his +home. It happened one morning that we had parted company. To me was +assigned the duty of beating through the Bier-Wald, the dense forest +which stretches mile upon mile in unbroken gloom to the confines of +the Boose-See. The Fates were propitious. Wherever I turned I saw +a victim, and one after another I brought down with unerring aim +twenty-four (as I thought) of these noble animals, whose horns are +now worth a king's ransom, and might, even in those distant days, have +rescued a minor German Prince from captivity. Hastening home with +my booty loaded upon my back--I was a strong boy for my age, but of +course nothing to what I have since become--I met my dear father just +as I reached the door of the hut which served us for hunting quarters. +Joyously I cast down my burden, and sprang to his side. But my father +wore an expression of annoyance, and I soon discovered that the luck +had been against him. He had indeed seen ten bocks, but for some +reason his aim had lacked its accustomed deadliness, and he had come +back empty-handed. I condoled with him in a boy's artless fashion, and +proceeded to tell him how fortunate I had been. + +"How many have you shot?" he asked me. + +"Twenty-four," was my reply. + +"Count them," said my father. + +I did so, and you may judge of my astonishment when I found that +twenty-six had fallen to my gun. I counted again and again. Yes, there +were twenty-six of them. With one of my shots I must have brought down +three. In the agitation of the moment I had overlooked this. I told +my father that I had made a slight mistake, and endeavoured to explain +how it had arisen. But my father was inexorable. + +"A lie," he said, "is a lie. You said you had shot twenty-four, you +have actually killed twenty-six. You must suffer." + +Over the rest of the painful scene I draw a veil. The shrieks of my +mother, who implored pardon for me on her bended knees, still seem to +ring in my ears. Since that time I have always respected not only +the strict truth, but also the leather thongs which are in use in the +Lagerland for the droves of untameable cattle that roam the prairies. +This was my lesson, and I have never, never forgotten it. + + * * * * * + +TO AN OLD FLAME.--(TWENTY YEARS AFTER.) + + A little girl, a charming tiny tot, + I well remember you with many a curl, + Although I recollect you said, "I'm not + A _little_ girl." + + We parted. Mid the worry and the whirl + Of life, again, alas! I saw you not. + I kept you in my memory as a pearl + Of winsome childhood. So imagine what + A shock it was this morning to unfurl + My morning paper, there to see you've got + A little girl! + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR.--The _Pall Mall Gazette_ announced last Friday +that "a bevy of head-masters will appear in the pulpit of St. Paul's +this month." How many go to a "bevy" we are not aware, though perhaps +we might ascertain it from Sir DRURIOLANUS, who could inform us, after +several crowded houses, how many go to see the "bevy," and how many +combine to make up a "bevy," of ballet beauties in the pantomime; but +putting it say at a dozen, the bevy of head-masters in their caps and +gowns would find the pulpit of St. Paul's rather a tight fit. Pretty +sight though, anyway. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HARLEQUIN HARCOURT, THE SLEEPING BEAUTY, AND THE +FINANCIAL FAIRY PRINCE.--(_See "New Year's Day Dream."_)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A HEAVY RESPONSIBILITY. + +(_Hounds going from Covert to Covert._) + +_Master Jack_ (_to M.F.H._). "I SAY, YOU KNOW, AWFUL NUISANCE THE WAY +THESE WOMEN FOLLOW A FELLOW OVER _EVERYTHING!_ MAKES A MAN HAVE TO BE +SO BEASTLY CAREFUL WHAT HE _JUMPS_, DON'T YOU KNOW!"] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW YEAR'S DAY DREAM. + + _A Tennysonian Fragment from the Popular Pantomime of + "Harlequin Harcourt, the Sleeping Beauty, and the Financial + Fairy Prince."_ + + ["The Revenue Returns," says the _Daily News_, "for the + expired three quarters of the financial year show that a sum + of close upon £62,000,000 has been paid into the Exchequer. + The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER'S estimated revenue for the + whole year was a little over £94,000,000. This is regarded as + an indication of the revival of trade, and the promise of a + substantial surplus for the next Budget."] + +THE ARRIVAL. + + All blessèd boons, though coming late, + To those who wait them issue forth, + For skill in sequel works with fate, + And draws the veil from hidden worth. + He comes, great keeper of our tin, + He is no Tory _Hurlo-Thrumbo!_ + A fairy Prince, with triple chin, + And heavy-footed as poor _Jumbo!_ + + He comes, scarce knowing what he seeks, + Though he has heard of Sleeping Beauties. + He hath been dreaming many weeks + Of Income Tax, Stamps, and Death Duties. + He'd charmed the party with his talk + Of Graduation; now grey fear + Knocks at his ribs, his cheek's like chalk, + With thoughts of Revenue for the Year. + + More close and close his footsteps wind, + The next year's Budget on his heart. + From Stamps and Liquor will he find + Big plums? Will rich taxpayers "part"? + Here's sleeping Trade! "Lor! what a lark!" + He thinks. "To wake her--were a spree! + A kiss _may_ lift those lashes dark; + She can't resist a buss--from Me!" + +THE REVIVAL. + + A touch, a smack! A boxèd ear. + There came the sound of a smart slap. + The Fairy Prince, with cry of fear, + His hand unto his cheek did clap. + The Sleeping Beauty gave a gape, + A wide-mouthed yawn, a long-drawn stretch. + _He_ rubbed his chins. "This _is_ a jape! + I _knew_ my style the girl would fetch! + + "In spite of all that WILSON says,[*] + I trust those Revenue Returns. + She _does_ revive! Be mine the praise! + By Jove, though, how my left ear burns! + I told 'em that I'd do the trick + With my new fakement, the Death Duties. + Come, Miss, wake up! Revive, dear, quick! + You sleepiest of Sleeping Beauties!" + + At last sweet slumbering Trade awoke, + And on her couch her form upreared. + The Prince smiled, rubbed his chins, and spoke. + "Ah, WILSON'S prophecy is queered. + He swore that you would _not_ revive, + In his Cassandra-like Review, + But don't sit yawning! Look alive! + Or men will swear I've humbugged you!" + + "All right!" said sleepy Trade. "But still + My joints feel somewhat stiff or so. + Say, have you passed that Irish Bill + You schemed--_how_ long was it ago?" + The Chancellor subdued a curse, + Which scarce would serve for a reply, + But dallied with his well-filled purse, + And smiling, put the question by. + +[Footnote: * In a pessimistic editorial article, opening the new +volume of the _Investor's Review_.] + + * * * * * + +A TALL ORDER. + + ["The Emperor WILLIAM is to have the Grand Order of the + Imperial Chrysanthemum (the Japanese Garter) to add to his + collection, 'in recognition of the services rendered by German + officers to Japanese officers in instructing them in military + and naval science.'"--_Daily Chronicle._] + + Oh, the Fatherland, the happy Fatherland, + With fresh happiness will hum, + When their Emperor shall the Order wear + Of the Jap Chry-san-the-mum! + He's "a daisy" now, as the world doth know; + But, oh! _won't_ he be thrice happy, + When he sports the badge of the Golden Flower + Of the cute and grateful Jappy? + If JOHN CHINAMAN in the little Jap + Has most surely caught a Tartar, + Jap learned to war 'neath the Teuton Star, + So will send him the Jap "Garter." + BULL has given him tips, and has built him ships, + But the Jap don't badge J. B. + No! Peace and War, like most other things, + Are now "made in Ger-ma-ny"! + + * * * * * + +"SENTIMENT" FOR OLD-FASHIONED PLAY-GOERS.--"May that confounded 'Woman +with a Past,' who monopolises the Present, have no Future!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WINTER'S TALE. + +_Benevolent Person_ (_recognising an old protégé_). "ROGERS, I'M SORRY +TO SEE YOU IN THIS CONDITION! I UNDERSTOOD YOU HAD TAKEN THE PLEDGE!" + +_Rogers._ "YOU'RE QUI' RI', SIR. ONLY Y' SEE THE WATER'S FROZEN 'T THE +MAIN DOWN OUR STREET!"] + + * * * * * + +THAT PRECIOUS DONKEY! + +(_An Episode in the Life of A. Briefless, Junior, Esq., +Barrister-at-Law, in Three Parts._) + +PART I.--_The Coming into Possession of the Donkey._ + +"Yes, Sir," said my excellent and admirable clerk, PORTINGTON, "he +came here three times, about a month ago. We thought he was mad, so +would not let him in. But the third time he left that parcel and that +letter. You see, Sir, they are tied together, and as there was a bomb +scare on at the time, we did not touch them. That's how it comes, Sir, +that you have not had them earlier." + +I must confess I was a little annoyed. I frequently absent myself from +Pump-Handle Court for days and even weeks together, and then I expect +my clerical (I use the adjective in its non-ecclesiastical sense) +representative to forward my correspondence. + +"It cannot be helped, PORTINGTON," I replied; "all I care for are the +interests of my clients. If the visitor was one anxious to lay +his case before me, I can only trust he has not suffered by my +unpremeditated absence." + +"I do not think he will have to complain of that, Sir. And as to his +case, we don't know whether it is one; none of us like to touch the +parcel, lest it should go off." + +"You mean with a report--it must get reported," I suggested, with a +smile. I allow myself a little frolicsome levity at Yuletide. "Well, +where is it?" + +"In your room, Sir," and PORTINGTON led the way to my special +apartment. + +I found my chamber tenanted by a miscellaneous collection of articles. +Truth to tell I do not use my rooms very frequently, and consequently +it has become a sort of a proverb amongst my co-parceners in +Pump-Handle Court, _à propos_ of anything of a cumbersome character, +"When in doubt, put it into BRIEFLESS'S cupboard." Not that I really +occupy a cupboard; my room (I lay the emphasis on the word) is far +more commodious than the largest specimen of those receptacles. +Consequently, I was not altogether surprised to find collected +together a banjo-case, some curtain rods, a number of framed pictures, +and a damaged bicycle. In the centre of the room was an oblong parcel, +to which was tied an envelope, doubtless containing an enclosure. + +With some slight trepidation--I had no wish to accompany Pump-Handle +Court to the skies--I opened the letter. It ran as follows:-- + +"To A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR, ESQ.--Dear and Honoured Sir,--I have long +desired to show you some token of goodwill. I have frequently read +your contributions to the leading legal paper of the day (I refer, +of course, to the _London Charivari_), and have been filled with +admiration at the clearness of your style and the depth of your +knowledge of what may be termed the duplex action of the human heart. +As I happen to be Emperor of CHINA I write anonymously. I have been +ruined by law and the lawyers. You have never represented me or +opposed me. For this I am very, very grateful, and beg you to accept +the accompanying present. It is a ---- But hush, we are observed." + +And at this point the document abruptly terminated. I read the letter +to PORTINGTON, and asked his opinion upon it. He replied abruptly he +"considered the writer a lunatic." + +"Well, no, I do not think we can go quite so far as that," I observed. +"You see, he seems to have some appreciation of my talents. He may be +a trifle eccentric, but I fancy nothing worse." + +Encouraged by this belief in the sanity of my semi-anonymous (I use +the epithet advisedly, as I take it that the incidental claim to the +throne of the Celestial Empire was not urged seriously) correspondent, +I opened the package. The brown paper unwound and a picture was +revealed to us. It had evidently been painted for many years. The +frame (which, in PORTINGTON'S opinion, was the best portion of the +structure) was distinctly old-fashioned. The gilding was tarnished and +the woodwork out of repair. + +"What is the subject?" I asked, after three or four minutes' close +inspection. + +"I think, Sir," replied my excellent and admirable clerk, "that it's +something to do with a donkey." + +PORTINGTON was right. On closer investigation the painting revealed +itself to be the representation of a cottage in the snow, with some +villagers drawing water from a half-frozen pond in the neighbourhood +of a rather intelligent donkey, who was watching their proceedings +with languid interest. + +"Certainly it is a donkey," I exclaimed; "and, to my thinking, a very +fine one." + +"What shall we do with it, Sir?" asked PORTINGTON. "It's no good here; +shall I give it to the dustman? He would take it away if we asked +him." + +For a moment I thought my clerical (I use the adjective in its +non-ecclesiastical sense) representative was indulging in jocularity. +I found I was in error. PORTINGTON was absolutely serious. + +"You evidently do not know the value of some of these old frames. Of +course I shall take the picture with me to my private residence." + +I carried out my intention. The canvas presentment of the donkey and +accessories was carefully conveyed in a four-wheeler to Justinian +Gardens, where I have rented for some years a very pleasant house. +The lady who has honoured me by taking my name, and whom in my more +playful humour I sportively term my "better seven-eighths," received +me. + +"I hope you have brought the music from the Stores," said the lady, +after our first greetings. "I suppose that package came from Victoria +Street?" + +"No, my precious one," I replied; I sometimes use terms of endearment +to the members of my domestic circle. "It is a picture given to me by +a grateful client." + +"Client!" she exclaimed; "and a grateful one! What a find! But why +bring it here? Haven't we already more pictures than we want? Why at +this moment there's half-a-dozen of extra plates from the Christmas +numbers that you _would_ have framed, waiting to be hung." + +"But this, my love, is an oil-painting, with what I judge to be a very +valuable old-fashioned frame." + +By this time my present was revealed. + +"Why, it's only the picture of a donkey!" exclaimed my better +seven-eighths, with a laugh. "We really don't want that sort of thing +in the hall or reception rooms." + +"But it is really very fine!" I urged. "Look at the handling of that +donkey's ears. And the frame, too, is simply magnificent." + +"I don't so much mind the frame. We might take out the picture and put +in '_The Arrival of the Boulogne Boat_,' the Christmas supplement to +the _Young Lady's Boudoir_, in its stead. And yet it is just as likely +as not to spoil it. No, I think we had better put picture and frame in +the box-room." + +"But my dear," I remonstrated; "this may be a very valuable picture. +The head of the donkey is quite remarkable and ----" + +"Now do we want portraits of donkeys about the house? The boxroom or +the dust-hole is the proper place for them." + +"I know you objected to my own likeness--you see the connection with +the donkey, dear?" I sometimes make rather humorous remarks during the +continuance of the festive season. + +"Don't be silly! But this hideous thing should really go into the +box-room." And so it went. Perhaps on a future occasion I may trace +the further adventures of my grateful client's gift. In my poor +judgment they are distinctly interesting and instructive. + + * * * * * + +A DREAM OF THE NEW WOMAN. + + She dreamed the doom that Fate pronounces + Against the woman ceased to be, + She dreamed her brain weighed three more ounces, + And was of finer quality. + + Her iron nerves all fear derided, + She saw a mouse, but did not run. + With pockets she was well provided, + And she could fire a Maxim gun. + + She had abjured each female folly, + Hygienic dress she always wore, + With stern, determined melancholy + The universe she pondered o'er. + + Of man in all respects the equal, + At last her heart's desire was hers. + Only, like every other sequel, + Her sequel proved a touch perverse. + + She sighed, "My mind with facts is loaded, + No golden vision it retains. + Even Nirvana is exploded, + And, save the Atom, nought remains! + + "Each ray of light a mental prism + Must needs determine and arrest. + My life is one long syllogism, + Without a parenthetic jest. + + "I who was wont to kneel revering, + In manly chivalry confide, + Am all alone my vessel steering-- + And yet I am unsatisfied! + + "The gingerbread has lost its gilding + That from afar appeared sublime. + I for eternity am building-- + 'Twas not amiss to build for time! + + "The pilgrimage was long and painful, + Cheerless and cold the heights I win-- + About me hangs a shadow baneful + Of that Eternal Feminine. + + "Alas, I have not learned my lesson! + I feel a frantic, mad despair. + I'd like to put an evening dress on, + And many roses in my hair! + + "My heart desires the old romances, + The fictions dear all facts above, + The flowers, the ices, and the dances, + The days of youth, the days of--Love. + + "That giddy whirl, that senseless splendour, + Was dear, although I said it bored, + Agnosticism I'd surrender + Once, once again, to be adored! + + "I wished my brain had three more ounces, + For them I bartered happiness; + My heart the new _regime_ denounces, + I wish it had three ounces less!" + + She woke. A subtle sense pervaded + Her mind of being someone great; + But very speedily it faded, + Her brain regained its normal state. + + She said: "I'd beat them all at college + If I could have those ounces back; + Only--I should not like my knowledge + To make me cleverer than--JACK!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MARK TAPLEY REDIVIVUS. + +"CH-CH-K-K-KKKKK-N-N-NICE S-S-S-SEASONABLE WEATHER THIS, +MATE--K-K-KKK!"] + + * * * * * + +ODYLLIC FORCE. + +(_Vide "Daily Graphic" passim._) + + Odyllic Force! O mystic power divine! + O greater than magician's might!--of course + You know the virtues of this gift of mine, + Odyllic Force! + + I can command the vasty deep. I say + Unto the elemental storm--"Be still!" + It may be that the sea will not obey, + But what of that? Deny it if ye may, + Still I command; still, still by night and day + Despite all scorn, I exercise my will + And on the troubled surface of the main + Fresh from my soul, fresh from its limpid source, + I pour my subtle influence--I rain + Odyllic Force. + + I say unto the weather--"Be thou fine!" + And straightway, if it be not foul, 'tis fair. + Nay, at my word the very sun will shine + If it should haply chance no clouds are there. + And should the temperature not fall below + The freezing point, until the twenty-first + Frost shall be all unknown, and ice and snow, + And plumbers; and the taps shall freely flow, + Nor shall the leaden pipes presume to show + The shadow of a tendency to burst. + Nay, if the weather be not somewhat cold + It shall be warm. The budding gems of gold, + Should they appear, we shortly may behold, + Flashing amid the prickles of the gorse. + So for the good of man, and beast, and flower + I diligently use my mystic power, + And ever exercise from hour to hour; + Odyllic Force. + + Thus do the elements obey my call. + Thus do I influence the Seasons' course + Thus do I exercise for great and small, + The king, the lord, the beggar, one and all, + Odyllic Force. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ! ! ! ! ! + +_Lily_ (_from Devonshire, on a visit to her Scotch Cousin Margy in St. +Andrews, N.B._). "WHAT A STRANGE THING FASHION IS, MARGY! FANCY A GAME +LIKE GOLF REACHING UP AS FAR NORTH AS THIS!"] + + * * * * * + +"WHO SAID--'ATROCITIES'?" + +OR, "THERE'S LIFE IN THE OLD DOG YET." + + ["It was my fate, my fortune, about, I think, eighteen years + ago to take an active part with regard to other outrages, + which first came up in the shape of rumour, but were + afterwards well verified, in Bulgaria.... Old as I am, my + feelings have not been deadened in regard to matters of such + a dreadful description."--_Mr. Gladstone's Birthday Speech + at Hawarden, December 29, 1894, on the alleged Armenian + Atrocities._] + + Retirement? Oh, rubbish! Tykes currish or cubbish + May curl up in kennels, or snug up in straw, + But dogs of right mettle to rest will not settle, + While sight's in the eye, and while snap's in the jaw. + A bed in a basket? Mere mongrels may ask it. + A couch and a cushion? They're lap-dog delights. + But pluck and true breeding, such comforts unheeding, + Desert laps and hearth-rugs for frolics and fights. + + Retired! How rats chortle! Like "_Rab_" the immortal + This dog scorns dull rest, and is still "rough on rats." + As always delighting in "plenty o' fechting," + He pricks up his ears at a whisper of "s-s-scats!" + Aslumber and dreaming? Oh, that is mere seeming, + Curled up tail to muzzle in cosiest sort. + His hairs are a-bristle at whisper or whistle + That gives the least promise of scrimmage or sport. + + On rats he's still ruthless! They may think him toothless, + Those red Turkish rodents who once felt his fangs. + Ah! eighteen years earlier his coat was much curlier, + Now white and whispy sparse-scattered it hangs. + But years though they roughen his hide, seem to toughen + The muscles and nerves of this rare sporting tyke. + The rattling old ratter is still game to scatter + A pitful of vermin, of what breed you like. + + The Istamboul sort are his favourite sport, + Rabid rodents who raven, red-fanged, in foul hordes, + Turco sewer-bred legions, who earth's fairest regions + Would ravage like TAMERLANE'S Tartar-swung swords. + Terrors untameable, horrors unnameable, + Mark their maraudings and hang on their track. + Now in fresh numbers they swarm, whilst he slumbers + Who once was the plague of the pestilent pack. + + But--_Who said--Atrocities?_ Old animosities + Wake in his spirit and stir in his blood. + Eh? What? Retirement? Nay, not if requirement, + Or prospect of sport, move the old champion's mood. + His heart has not deadened; his old eyes have reddened + With love of the fray and the old righteous wrath. + The varmint old ratter his old foes would scatter. + "Auld _Rab_" once again will be on the war-path! + + * * * * * + +"BON JOUR, PHILIPPINE!" + + "They grew in beauty side by side, + They filled one home with glee"-- + Until that evening at dessert + You passed the nuts to me. + Then came the "crack of doom," the twins + No sooner had you seen + Than, "Oh, what fun!" you said, "we'll have + A _Bon jour_, PHILIPPINE!" + + "They grew in beauty side by side, + They filled one home with glee"-- + Until they found respective graves + Alas! in you and me. + And then to win a gift next morn + We vowed with solemn mien, + Whoe'er should greet the other first + With "_Bon jour_, PHILIPPINE!" + + "_Bon jour_"--I dreamt of it all night, + At dawn recalled it yet, + But clean forgot it whilst I shaved-- + At breakfast then we met. + I'd only time, I know, to think + Maid sweeter ne'er was seen, + When you, with laughter-dancing eyes, + Cried, "_Bon jour_, PHILIPPINE!" + + And so you won a gift from me, + And chose that I should write + These verses, which I've pondered o'er + For many a sleepless night! + I'll never crack another nut, + When you are there, I mean; + Yet may you greet me often--save + With "_Bon jour_, PHILIPPINE!" + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR MODERN MANAGERS.--The proper study of (theatre-going) +Mankind is--the _New Woman._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHO SAID--'ATROCITIES'?" + +(_After the Popular Engraving._) + +"OLD AS I AM, MY FEELINGS HAVE NOT BEEN DEADENED IN REGARD TO MATTERS +OF SUCH A DREADFUL DESCRIPTION."--_Mr. Gladstone's Birthday Speech at +Hawarden on the Armenian Atrocities, December 29._] + + * * * * * + +THE VESTRYMAN. + +A COMIC SONG FOR SERIOUS CONSIDERATION. + +(_By an Elderly Victim of Bumbledom._) + + ["The London Vestries and Boards of Works have not exactly + covered themselves with glory in their dealings with the + recent snowfall. In very few neighbourhoods was any attempt + made on Wednesday to remove the slush, and Nature having + taking her course during the night, in the direction of a + frost early yesterday morning, the streets in many places + were absolutely impassable for wheeled traffic until a liberal + layer of sand and gravel had been spread."--_Daily Chronicle, + January 4._] + +AIR--"_The Bogie Man._" + + Come, gather round me, ratepayers, + So full of fun and glee; + New Bumble's going to play the fool + To please the L. C. C. + They swear that he is able + Improvements for to plan; + I love to hear Progressives say, + "Hush! The New Vestryman!" + +_Chorus._ + + _Slush! Slush!! Slush!!!_ + _Where is_ the Vestryman? + Are broom and shovel ready? + What _is_ his brand new plan? + Oh, Slush! Slush! Slush!-- + The footways never ran + With a worse slithery slippery slop, + 'Neath the Old Vestryman. + + When I sit down, impromptu, + All in a soft snow-pie; + Or slide a yard, then come down hard, + I groan, and wonder why. + I blow my blue numb fingers, + I watch a fast-stuck van; + Reform, I cry, seems all my eye. + Where _is_ that Vestryman? + +_Chorus._ + + _Slush! Slush!! Slush!!!_ + Why _is_ this, Vestryman? + Is this the outcome shady + Of the Progressive plan? + Oh, Slush! Slush! Slush! + No gravel, sand, or tan! + All slip and slop. I'd like to _whop_ + That blessed Vestryman!!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GRADATION. + +_Clerk_ (_to Curate_). "I'M TERRIBLE SORRY, ZUR, THAT YOU BE AGWAÏNE +TO LAVE US. WE'VE CHANGED EVER ZO MANY TIMES SINCE PASSEN GREEN DIED, +_AND ALWAYS FOR THE WUSS_!"] + + * * * * * + +TRAVELS IN TAFFY-LAND; OR, WALES BLOWING. + + [The Flint Town Council has censured the L. & N. W. Railway + for dismissing some of its servants for ignorance of the + English language.] + +Would you tell me, Porter, if the next train is the one for +Aberystwyth? + +I am really very much obliged for your reply, but as I have not a +Cymric dictionary at hand, I am totally unable even to guess at your +meaning. + +As the man points to the train which is now at the platform, and nods +vigorously, I suppose he means me to get in. Still, the fact that it +has "Llanrhychwyn" on it makes me a little doubtful whether I shall +ever reach Aberystwyth if I enter it. + +I am grateful for your attention, Guard, but it was a foot-warmer that +I asked for, not the newspaper-boy. + +As I have just been hurled down an embankment and find myself sitting +much bruised in a shallow pond in a field close to the line, I really +fancy that the Welsh-speaking signalman at the adjoining cabin has +failed to understand the message wired to him in English from our last +stopping station. + +I should be glad, Stationmaster, if you would kindly have a telegram +sent to my friends saying that I have only four ribs broken. + +As you do not appear to understand what I say, and as I suppose there +is nobody who knows English in this desolate Welsh valley where the +sufferers from the accident are lying, perhaps you will kindly have us +all sent back to Shrewsbury as soon as possible. + +The man lying next to me, whose arm is hurt, says that the train +was not going to Aberystwyth at all. So perhaps it is as well that +circumstances have prevented my proceeding further in it. + +We should undoubtedly have been much better off if this accident had +happened to us in France or Germany, because then we should have been +able to secure the services of the railway interpreter. + +Thank Heaven! I am back at Chester, where the hotel people _do_ talk +English; and in future I shall vote steadily at elections against +any party that does not make the total suppression of all so-called +"national tongues" within the British Isles a part of its recognised +programme. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Mr. RUDOLF LEHMANN possesses some gifts which peculiarly qualify him +to write the volume SMITH, ELDER & CO. publish, under the title _An +Artist's Reminiscences_. He has passed the age of three-score and +ten, and has throughout that period had many opportunities of seeing +places, and, more precious, of meeting people. To the study of both +he brings keen sight, a good memory, and a genuine, not too obtrusive, +sense of humour. Born in Hamburg in 1819, he has sojourned in most of +the capitals of Europe, permanently settling down to marriage and life +in London. He seems to have known most of the notable personages of +the middle and latter half of the century. His wide acquaintance with +royalty (some of them mad) would be appalling if it were not mentioned +with winning modesty. The volume abounds in good stories, my +Baronite particularly delighting in one pertaining to the ceremony of +prorogation of parliament by the QUEEN. Mr. LEHMANN was much struck +with the spectacle of the old Duke of WELLINGTON carrying the sword of +state, Lord LANSDOWNE bearing the crown, and the Marquis of WINCHESTER +with the cap of maintenance set on red velvet cushion. At Lady +GRANVILLE'S the same evening he asked Lord GRANVILLE what was the +significance of the cap of maintenance. It was one of the few +things Lord GRANVILLE did not know. "But," he said, "there is Lord +WINCHESTER, who carried it this morning. I will go and ask him." The +two peers conversed in a whisper, and Lord GRANVILLE, returning to +his inquiring friend, said, "He does not know either." Mr. LEHMANN +incidentally mentions that his brother HENRY'S first success, at the +Salon of 1835, was gained by a picture setting forth "_Le Départ du +Jeune Tobie_." At that date TOBY had not even arrived to take his +place on the volumes in his master's study, and still less, was he +M.P. for Barks. It only shows how prophetic is the soul of genius. + + THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +NEW YEAR REFLECTION. + +(_By an Old-fashioned Fellow._) + + "Goodwill to man!" the dear old carol saith. + Ah me! Then why so much mean personal pother? + We're credulous of aught that means the scathe + Of a sad sister, or a stumbling brother. + Men are like stout JOHN BUNYAN'S "Little Faith,"-- + Save in believing evil of each other! + There faith indeed is strong; but 'tis a rarity + That such strange Faith is found combined with Charity! + + * * * * * + +MEM. BY A MUSER.--Many a spouting member of the "Independent Labour +Party" is a "party" who wishes to be independent of labour. _Hardie_ +Norsemen, please note! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PREPARING FOR THE PARLIAMENTARY PANTOMIME. THEATRE +ROYAL, ST. STEPHEN'S. + +PARTY COLOURISTS AT WORK ON THE PROPERTIES.] + + * * * * * + +TO JULIA'S POCKET. + + [The ideal lady's pocket, that shall at once be accessible + to its owner and defy the footpad's art, has yet to be + invented.--_Wears of Tautologus._] + + My JULIA'S chaste and winsome cheer, + Her comely lip, her coral ear, + And eke her knickerbocker gear,-- + + These be the theme of rhyming folk, + Whereof the skill I here invoke + In malediction of her poke; + + In that it passeth human wit + By sleight of hand withal to hit + Upon the pathless track of it. + + Though JULIA'S self therein dispose' + That napkin with the which she blows + For sorry rheum her Greekish nose, + + Not if she search with heavy pain + Shall she by taking thought attain + To look upon the thing again; + + To him alone of mortal clay + That picketh pokes beside the way + Their deeps are open as the day. + + Whenas her alms she would disburse, + In vain she probeth for her purse, + Whereat the beggars shrewdly curse; + + Even so their teeth do felons gnash + That lightly lift her ready cash, + Which he that stealeth stealeth trash. + + Oft-times she doth full bravely hold + Her breezy reticule of gold + Within her digits' dainty fold; + + As certain maids, I well believe, + Do wear th' affections on their sleeve + For any worthless wight to reave. + + But though her purse not suffer rape, + Mischance is like in other shape + To put on her a saucy jape;-- + + If so my lady at the mart + For very joyaunce of her heart + Do purchase her a pasty tart, + + Let her not make essay to bring + So beauteous and frail a thing + Within her poke's encompassing; + + Lest, sitting down with weary stress, + Unheedful of its buxomness, + She make a right unseemly mess! + + Certes a man purblind may see + For these offences needs must be + Some comfortable remedy; + + Whoso deviseth such an one, + I trow that his inventiòn + Shall soothly pouch the peerless bun. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Gertrude._ "MY DEAR JESSIE, WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT +BICYCLE SUIT FOR?" + +_Jessie._ "WHY, TO WEAR, OF COURSE." + +_Gertrude._ "BUT YOU HAVEN'T GOT A BICYCLE!" + +_Jessie._ "NO; BUT I'VE GOT A SEWING MACHINE!"] + + * * * * * + +NOTICES TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Perplexed._--You are entirely in error in supposing that the member +for Otley, Yorks, has, in accepting a baronetcy, descended from a +higher estate. You have been deceived by similarity of sound. The hon. +member was not of the same rank as a statesman (who we observe has +just repaired to his country seat at Pinley Park, where he will +entertain His Serene Highness the DUC DE SEIDLITZ-POUDRE) to whom +Sir ROBERT PEEL used to allude in the House of Commons as "the noble +Baron." In becoming Sir JOHN BARRAN, Bart., the member for Otley gains +a distinct step in the social ladder. + +_Blind, Deaf, and Dumb._--We are pleased to be able to reassure +you. The fact that you have not lately heard or read speeches by Sir +WILLIAM HARCOURT is no evidence that the treble disability under which +you unhappily labour is increasing. There is a well known case, cited +in Littleton upon Coke, where a man was not able to see the Spanish +fleet "because it is not yet in sight." For analogous reason you have +not lately heard anything of the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER. He has +not been speaking. The fact is, the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD--to use a title +by which he is locally known, and in which he most rejoices--was cut +out for a rustic recluse. Circumstances have, unwillingly, dragged him +into the front of politics, and he has done the duty that lies to his +hand. When opportunity can be made he takes his leisure at his +lodge in the New Forest, and meditates on the untimely fate of his +pre-Plantagenet forbear WILLIAM RUFUS. Nevertheless, we are not +without suspicion that Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT shares the peculiarity +of CARLYLE, of whom you will remember his wife shrewdly remarked that +"his love for silence is platonic." If you keep your ears open and +your mouth shut, you may probably, before long, hear the familiar +voice resounding from a public platform. + +_A Shakspearean Student._--We had not before heard of the incident. It +is, however, quite possible, as you have been informed, that when +the Marquis of SALISBURY, K.G., heard of the defection of the Earl of +BUCKINGHAMSHIRE, who has joined the Liberal forces, the only remark he +made was "Off with his head." + + * * * * * + +OVERHEARD FRAGMENT OF A DIALOGUE + +_Lord Illingworth._ My dear GORING, I assure you that a well-tied tie +is the first serious step in life. + +_Lord Goring._ My dear ILLINGWORTH, five well-made button-holes a day +are far more essential. They please women, and women rule society. + +_Lord Illingworth._ I understood you considered women of no +importance? + +_Lord Goring._ My dear GEORGE, a man's life revolves on curves of +intellect. It is on the hard lines of the emotions that a woman's +life progresses. Both revolve in cycles of masterpieces. They should +revolve on bi-cycles; built, if possible, for two. But I am keeping +you? + +[Illustration: "Full of good things!"] + +_Lord Illingworth._ I wish you were. Nowadays it is only the poor who +are kept at the expense of the rich. + +_Lord Goring._ Yes. It is perfectly comic, the number of young men +going about the world nowadays who adopt perfect profiles as a useful +profession. + +_Lord Illingworth._ Surely that must be the next world? How about the +Chiltern Thousands? + +_Lord Goring._ Don't. GEORGE. Have you seen WINDERMERE lately? Dear +WINDERMERE! I should like to be exactly unlike WINDERMERE. + +_Lord Illingworth._ Poor WINDERMERE! He spends his mornings in doing +what is possible, and his evenings in saying what is probable. By the +way, do you really understand all I say? + +_Lord Goring._ Yes, when I don't listen attentively. + +_Lord Illingworth._ Reach me the matches, like a good boy--thanks. +Now--define these cigarettes--as tobacco. + +_Lord Goring._ My dear GEORGE, they are atrocious. And they leave me +unsatisfied. + +_Lord Illingworth._ You are a promising disciple of mine. The only use +of a disciple is that at the moment of one's triumph he stands behind +one's chair and shouts that after all he is immortal. + +_Lord Goring._ You are quite right. It is as well, too, to remember +from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be learnt. + +_Lord Illingworth._ Certainly, and ugliness is the root of all +industry. + +_Lord Goring._ GEORGE, your conversation is delightful, but your views +are terribly unsound. You are always saying insincere things. + +_Lord Illingworth._ If one tells the truth, one is sure sooner or +later to be found out. + +_Lord Goring._ Perhaps. The sky is like a hard hollow sapphire. It is +too late to sleep. I shall go down to Covent Garden and look at the +roses. Good-night, GEORGE! I have had such a pleasant evening! + + * * * * * + +DEATH IN THE CUP. + + ["The social duty of paying calls, refreshed, as it + necessarily is, by frequent cups of tepid tea, is apparently + little better than a process of slow poisoning."--_Daily + Graphic._] + + Oh, here's a pretty state of things! Whenever you go calling, + And take this deadly liquor and imbibe it without stint, + You're certainly preparing a catastrophe appalling, + Your mirth is as the little lamb's, unmindful of the mint. + + And when your entertainer, who seems so sweetly placid + And quite unlike a criminal, suggests "Another cup?" + She might as well be offering a dose of prussic acid, + And the Public Prosecutor ought to take the matter up! + + "The cup that cheers"--that hackneyed phrase is frightfully in error, + If seldom it "inebriates" (it _does_, the doctors plead), + There lurks within its fatal draught a more efficient terror, + 'Twill shortly make a funeral your one and only need! + + So since a daily cup or two the thin end of the wedge is, + And since this revelation of our danger has been made, + We all will wear red ribbons and will sign the strictest pledges, + And speedily inaugurate an "Anti-Tea" crusade. + + A word to you, AMANDA mine. Unless your cruel kindness, + Your efforts to consign me to an early grave, shall cease, + And if you dare, presuming on my long-continued blindness, + To offer me a cup of tea--I'll send for the police! + +[Illustration: "A word to you, Amanda mine!"] + + * * * * * + +THE TIME OF DAY.--Good, after NEWNES to find the style "Bart." The +bestowal of the baronetcy quite a Tit-Bit for the Strand. But there +is no truth in the report that the event will be followed by the +establishment of a new morning paper to be called _The Dragon_, and +edited by Sir GEORGE. + + * * * * * + +THE CHRONICLES OF A RURAL PARISH. + +IX.--OF COAL. + +The County Council has solved the great Mudford mystery by deciding in +favour of Mrs. ARBLE MARCH, who is in the seventh heaven at being the +Seventh Councillor. A wise Legislature had it in contemplation that +possibly when the great measure came to be worked, it might not +be found to act, however much you pulled the string, and it was +accordingly left to the County Council to set on its legs any poor +little Parish Council which might have been brought into the world +without its full number of members. Thus it came about that Mrs. MARCH +got elected. The actual circumstances of her election gave rise +to some comment. She was proposed by the Primrose League Ruling +Councillor of one adjoining parish, and seconded by the Knight +Harbinger of another. Our County Council is a strongly Tory body, and +she was easily elected. There was a great outcry against this, as an +act of political partisanship. It was. But when it became known that +Mrs. LETHAM HAVITT'S friends and supporters were all avowed Radicals, +popular indignation seemed suddenly to flicker out. + +It may be, however, that the indignation only transferred itself to +me, for I myself have got, in a most extraordinary and unexpected +fashion, into a great hobble. It arose in this way. Having been +elected on to the Parish Council at the top of the poll, and +having, moreover, been subsequently the recipient of innumerable +congratulations from my fellow-parishioners, I not unnaturally--so I +still venture to think--desired in some way to show my appreciation of +the kind treatment I had received. I accordingly determined to make +to every elector a present of coals, and to carry out that intention +issued the following circular:-- + + _To the Electors of Mudford._ + +LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,--For your kindness in electing me at the top of +the poll, I can find no terms sufficiently warm to express myself. In +commemoration of the great occasion, and as a small thankoffering for +my return, I beg your acceptance of the enclosed Coal Ticket, which +will entitle you to 2 cwt. of coal from any of the village coal +dealers. + + Your obliged and obedient servant, + + TIMOTHY WINKINS. + +I sent this to every elector, high or low, rich or poor. I hardly +imagined that the Squire would want coal, but he was a constituent +of mine, and he had his ticket. What has been the result of my +generosity? This. Whilst almost every coal-ticket has been used, I +am denounced right and left in unmeasured terms as an unscrupulous +briber. Miss PHILL BURTT (who, as might be expected, has been most +kind and sympathetic about the whole thing), tells me that even the +Squire said it was a very ingenious way of wishing myself Many Happy +Returns to the Parish Council. A poor joke, I think, but an undeniably +excellent sneer. BLACK BOB is, as might be expected, much more +plain and direct in his denunciation. He says, that if I stand for +re-election--in April, 1896!--this ought to be enough to unseat me. +A pleasant prospect. I can do nothing. My boats, like my coal, are +burnt. + +What happened at the Parish Council meeting last night I must +leave--till my next. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SYMPATHY WANTED-- + +For the Man whose Collar comes undone every time he tries to do up his +Tie.] + + * * * * * + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, +January 12th, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42478 *** |