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diff --git a/42400-8.txt b/42400-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index caeea01..0000000 --- a/42400-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3937 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Book of Love, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Mr. Punch's Book of Love - Being the Humours of Courtship and Matrimony - -Author: Various - -Editor: J. A. Hammerton - -Illustrator: John Leech and others - -Release Date: March 24, 2013 [EBook #42400] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE *** - - - - -Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - -MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE - -PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR - -Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON - -Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the -cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic -draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its -beginning in 1841 to the present day. - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration:] _Edwin (suddenly, after a long pause)._ "Darling!" - -_Angelina._ "Yes, darling?" - -_Edwin._ "Nothing, darling. Only _darling_, darling!" - - [_Bilious Old Gentleman feels quite sick._ - -] - - * * * * * - -MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE - -BEING - -THE HUMOURS OF COURTSHIP AND MATRIMONY - -[Illustration] - -_WITH 150 ILLUSTRATIONS_ - -BY - - JOHN LEECH, - CHARLES KEENE, - GEORGE DU MAURIER, - SIR JOHN TENNIEL, - PHIL MAY, - E. T. REED, - L. RAVEN-HILL, - GORDON BROWNE, - TOM BROWNE, - J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, - C. E. BROCK, - REGINALD CLEAVER, - CHARLES PEARS, - A. S. BOYD, - LEWIS BAUMER, - DAVID WILSON, - G. L. STAMPA, - AND OTHERS. - -PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" - -THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD. - -THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR - -_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_ - - LIFE IN LONDON - COUNTRY LIFE - IN THE HIGHLANDS - SCOTTISH HUMOUR - IRISH HUMOUR - COCKNEY HUMOUR - IN SOCIETY - AFTER DINNER STORIES - IN BOHEMIA - AT THE PLAY - MR. PUNCH AT HOME - ON THE CONTINONG - RAILWAY BOOK - AT THE SEASIDE - MR. PUNCH AFLOAT - IN THE HUNTING FIELD - MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN - MR. PUNCH AWHEEL - BOOK OF SPORTS - GOLF STORIES - IN WIG AND GOWN - ON THE WARPATH - BOOK OF LOVE - WITH THE CHILDREN - -[Illustration: Take Back the Heart That You Gave Me] - -ABOUT MATRIMONIAL JOKES, AND ONE IN PARTICULAR - -Of all Mr. Punch's jokes it might be fair to say that none has ever -rivalled the popularity of "Advice to persons about to marry,--Don't!" -unless it be that of the Scotsman who had been no more than a few hours -in London, "when bang went saxpence!" Of the latter, more in its place; -here, we are immediately concerned with "Punch's advice." The most -preposterous stories are current among the uninformed as to the origin -of some of Mr. Punch's favourite jests. Only recently we heard a -gentleman telling a group of people in a hotel smoking-room that Mark -Twain got a hundred pounds from Punch for writing that famous line, "I -used your soap two years ago; since then I have used no other," familiar -to every one by Mr. Harry Furniss's drawing of a disreputable tramp who -is supposed to be writing the words quoted. As a matter of fact, the -idea came to Mr. Furniss from an anonymous correspondent. Stories -equally, if not more, absurd have been told as to the origin of "Punch's -advice," which, thanks to the researches of Mr. Spielmann, we now know -to have been the happy inspiration of Henry Mayhew, one of the founders -of _Punch_. It was sixty-one years ago that Mayhew wrote the line, and -how many millions of times it must have been quoted since one dare not -guess! - -It may be said to have struck the keynote of Mr. Punch's matrimonial -policy, as an examination of his pages reveals him an incorrigible -pessimist on the subject of marriage. He is very hard on the -mother-in-law, but in all his life he has not made more than one or two -jokes about the young wife's pastry, though he has made a good deal of -fun about her general ignorance of domestic affairs. Nor has he spared -the bachelor or the old maid, and the designing widow has been an -especial butt for his shafts. - -It might be a good thing to pass a law prohibiting young and -marriageable men from reading _Punch_, in order to save many of them -from being discouraged and frightened out of the thought of marriage, -and it would certainly be an incentive thereto--they would be tempted to -become Benedicts if only that they might qualify for the removal of the -prohibition! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "DRIVEN TO DESPERATION"] - - * * * * * - -MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE - - * * * * * - -[Illustration] - -ADVICE TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.--Don't. - - * * * * * - -ADVICE TO PERSONS WHO HAVE "FALLEN IN LOVE."--Fall out. - - * * * * * - -ENCOURAGING.--_George (who has just engaged himself to the Girl of his -heart) breaks the happy news to his friend Jack (who has been married -some time)._--_Jack._ "Ah! well, my dear fellow, marriage is the best -thing in the long run, and I can assure you that after a year or two a -man gets used to it, and feels just as jolly as if he'd never married at -all!" - - * * * * * - -A DEFINITION.--Flirtation: a spoon with nothing in it. - - * * * * * - -DOMESTIC.--It was a homely but pungent observation, on the part of a man -of much experience and observation, that marriage without love was like -tripe without onions. - - * * * * * - -ADAGE BY A YOUNG LADY.--Man proposes, but mamma disposes. - - * * * * * - -BY A BEASTLY OLD BACHELOR.--A married man's fate (in brief).--Hooked, -booked, cooked. - - * * * * * - -DESCRIBE A HOME-CIRCLE.--The wedding ring. - - * * * * * - -HOW TO FIX THE HAPPY DAY.--_Q._ When's the best day for a wedding? _A._ -Why, of course, "A _Weddin's day_." - - * * * * * - - DOMESTIC ECONOMY. - - Said Stiggins to his wife one day, - "We've nothing left to eat; - If things go on in this queer way, - We shan't make _both ends meet_." - - The dame replied, in words discreet, - "We're not so badly fed, - If we can make but _one_ end _meat_, - And make the other _bread_." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Clergyman._ "Augustus, wilt thou take this woman----" - -_Bride (late of Remnant & Co.'s Ribbon Department). "Lady!"_] - - * * * * * - -TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.--Take care to choose a lady help, and not a -lady encumbrance. - - * * * * * - -ACCOUNTED FOR AT LAST.--Is it not strange that the "best man" at a -wedding is not the bridegroom? This must be the reason of so many -unhappy marriages. - - * * * * * - -THE BEST WARDS OF A LATCHKEY.--Homewards! - - * * * * * - -ONE GREAT LOTTERY OFFICE STILL RECOGNISED BY THE LAW.--The Marriage -Register. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "There goes the _second_ Mrs. Muggeray!" - -"Gracious! What on earth did he marry her for?" - -"Oh, he said he wanted some one to amuse the children!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: WONDERFUL WHAT AN ADJECTIVE WILL DO - -_Brown (newly married--to Jones, whom he entertained a few evenings -previously)._ "Well, what did you think of us, old boy, eh?" - -_Jones._ "Oh, pretty flat. Er--awfully pretty flat!"] - - * * * * * - -SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY.--"But _why_ do you want to marry her?" "Because I -_love_ her!" "My dear fellow, that's an _excuse_--not a _reason_!" - - * * * * * - -TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.--What is enough for one, is half enough for -two, short commons for three, and starvation for half a dozen. - - * * * * * - - LOVE SONG - - Love me, lady! - My hair is gray; - When round comes pay-day - I cannot pay. - My corns are awful, - My prospects shady, - I want a comforter: - Love me, lady! - - * * * * * - -NOTES OF ADMIRATION.--Love letters. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "THERE IS A TIE THAT BINDS US TO OUR HOMES"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _He._ "I can't understand Phyllis rejecting me last -night." - -_She._ "Never mind. You'll soon get over it." - -_He._ "Oh, _I_'ve got over it right enough; but I can't help feeling so -doosid sorry for _her_. I shan't ask her again!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "A NIGHT OF IT" - -_Young Wife_ (2 A.M.). "Dinner at the Albion! the theatre! and supper -and a rubber at the club! Well, Henry, I wonder you did not go to all -the places of amusement in London, and (_sobbing_) not come home all -night!" - -_Henry._ "My dear, all th' other places shu' rup!!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SENSE AND SENSIBILITY - -A FRAGMENT - -"Yes, Robert! But O! do look at the excellent evening glow on yon distant -hills! How solemn!! How sublime!" - -"O! stunning. Well, _then_ I measured the scullery: six feet by ten... -that'll just do, won't it?"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PRIMARY ROCK] - - * * * * * - -THE EFFECT OF GETTING MARRIED.--"Poor Dick! how sadly he is altered -since his marriage!" remarked one friend to another. "Why, yes, of -course," replied the other; "directly a man's neck is in the nuptial -noose, every one must see that he's a haltered person." - - * * * * * - -A BAD PRE-EMINENCE.--What is there beats a good wife? A bad husband. - - * * * * * - -QUESTION BY A SEWING MACHINE.--What is woman's true sphere?--The -_Hem_isphere. - - * * * * * - -A MARRIAGE QUESTION.--If a man addicted to smoking marries a widow, does -it follow that he must lay down his pipe, because she gives up her -weeds? - - * * * * * - -A READY-MADE REJOINDER.--_He._ "You made a fool of me when I married -you, ma'am!" _She._ "Lor! You always told me you were a self-made man!" - - * * * * * - -MEM. BY AN OLD MAID.--If you "look over your age," you won't find anyone -else willing to do the same. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: MAFEKING NIGHT - -(_Or rather_ 3 A.M. _the following morning_) - -_Voice_ (_from above_). "Good gracious, William! Why _don't_ you come to -bed?" - -_William_ (_huskily_). "My dear Maria, you know it's been the rule of my -life to go to bed shober--and I can't posh'bly come to bed yet!"] - - * * * * * - -THE NEOGAMS--A WARNING - -[Illustration] - - Newly married, - Railway carried; - Sighing. - At the station - Osculation; - Crying. - - Smiling, parting; - Hands at starting - Gripping. - Cozy quarters, - Guards and porters - Tipping. - -[Illustration] - - On the journey - Glances yearny, - Mooning. - Closely sitting, - As is fitting, - Spooning. - - Destination; - Forced cessation. - Pity! - Porters poking - Fun, and joking, - Witty. - - On arriving, - Carriage driving; - Kissing. - Lovely scenery, - Lakes and greenery, - Missing. - - Hotel, _table - d'hôte_ a rabble. - Shun it! - Private cover - Sooner over-- - Done it. - - Champagne drinking; - Waiter winking. - Curious! - People smiling; - Very riling; - Furious. - -[Illustration] - - After dining, - Arms entwining, - Walking - Sipping honey-- - What's there funny?-- - Talking. - - So time passes; - Grinning asses - Guess 'em - Newly married, - Sorely harried-- - Bless 'em! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Casual Acquaintance._. "Hear you're to be married, Mr. -Ribbes. Congratulate you!" - -_Mr. Ribbes._ "Much obliged, but I dunno so much about congratulations. -It's corstin' me a pretty penny, I tell yer. Mrs. Ribbes as is to be, -she wants 'er _trousseau_, yer know; an' then there's the furnishin', -an' the licence, an' the parson's fees; an' then I 'ave to give 'er an' -'er sister a bit o' jool'ry a-piece; an' wot with one thing an' -another--she's a 'eavy woman, yer know, thirteen stun odd--well, I -reckon she'll 'a corst me pretty near _two-an'-eleven a pound_ afore I -git 'er 'ome!"] - - * * * * * - -SONGS OF THE HEARTH-RUG - -THE NEGLECTED WIFE TO HER RUSHLIGHT - - My rushlight, when first kindled, - Twelve inches long wast thou; - And I behold thee dwindled - To one, my candle, now! - - How brief thy span, contrasted - With rushlight's average life! - A happier dip had lasted - A week a happier wife. - - Where is my husband got to? - Oh say, expiring light! - A man ought really not to - Stay out so every night. - - I'm sure that Bradshaw's press'd him - To join his tippling lot: - That Bradshaw! I detest him;-- - The good-for-nothing sot! - - Would that this piece of paper, - Which, ere thy flame expire, - I light from thee, my taper, - Could set that club on fire. - - * * * * * - -A BLUNDER-BUSS.--Kissing the wrong girl. - - * * * * * - -MOTTO FOR THE MARRIED.--Never dis-pair. - - * * * * * - -MEM. BY "ONE WHO MARRIED IN HASTE."--"The real 'Battle of Life' begins -with a short engagement." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: Time--3 A.M.] - -_Voice from above._ "Is that you, John? You're very late, aren't you?" - -_Brown (returned from celebrating the latest victory)._ "It's only -about--er--twelve, my dear, I think----" - -_The Cuckoo Clock._ "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!" - -_Brown (grasping situation instantly)._ "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! -Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A WET NURSE] - - * * * * * - -"LITERA SCRIPTA."--_Wooer._ "Oh, Miss--oh, Lavinia! may I not still -hope?--or is your cruel rejection of my suit final and irrevoc----" -_Spinster (firmly)._ "Yes, Mr. Brown, I seriously desire you will regard -it so." _Wooer._ "Then, dearest, may I ask you"--(_producing the -materials from adjacent writing-table_)--"to--ah--put it on papar! I -shall feel safer!" - - * * * * * - -A "NOISELESS SEWING MACHINE."--A good wife. - - * * * * * - -PAUCA VERBA.--_Robinson (after a long Whist bout at the Club)._ "It's -awfully late, Brown. What will you say to your wife?" _Brown (in a -whisper)._ "Oh, I shan't say much, you know--'Good morning, dear,' or -something o' that sort. She'll say the rest!!!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVE THE FARE] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PLAYING DOWN TO HIM.--_Young couple (who expect the visit -of a very miserly relative, from whom they have expectations) are -clearing the room of every sign of luxury._ - -_Wife (earnestly)._ "We must do all we can to make uncle feel at home." - -_Husband (caustically)._ "Then we had better let the fire out."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Fair Widow._ "Yes, I've made up my mind that when I die -I shall be cremated, as my husband was." - -_Gallant Captain._ "Dear lady, please don't talk about such dreadful -things. Consider how much better it would be, in your case, -to--er--_cross out the C!_"] - - * * * * * - -_Visitor (to Friend lately left a Widower)._--"Hullo, Tom! That looks a -stiffish bill you've got there!" - -_Tom._ "Ah, how those rascals of undertakers do fleece you! They know -you can hardly help yourself! Of course, in my poor wife's case I would -cheerfully have paid double. But one hates to be done.--Um!" - - * * * * * - -A WIFE'S VOCATION.--Husbandry. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A DECLARATION - -"Louisa, you've stolen something." - -"Go on!" - -"You 'ave." - -"You're a----! _What_ 'ave I stole?" - -"_My 'eart!_"] - - * * * * * - -MARRIAGE MEMORIES - -_What the Father says._--Which side must I stand on when I give her -away? - -_What the Mother says._--I am sure the ices will be late for the -breakfast. - -_What the Sister says._--I flatter myself I am the best looking of the -eight bridesmaids. - -_What the Brother says._--Of course, the best man is behind his -time--just like him! - -_What the Pew-opener says._--This way, my dear young lady! - -_What the Beadle says._--They are sure to be in time, sir. I will motion -to you the moment I see 'em a coming. - -_What the Clergyman says._--Have you got the ring? - -_What the Crowd says._--Hoorray! That's 'er! Oh, ain't 'e a guy! - -_What the Old Friend of the Family says._--I have known him too since he -was so high. That was nigh upon forty years ago! - -_What the Funny Man says._--You can see from my face that I am just the -man to be associated with the bridesmaids. - -_What the Best Man says._--Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking. - -_What the Bride says._--Good-bye, my own darling mamma and papa, -and--Emmy dear, please _do_ see the things are all right before we -start. - -_What the Bridegroom says._--Thank goodness, it is all over. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "DECEIVERS EVER" - -_Goldsmith._ "Would you like any name or motto engraved on it, sir?" - -_Customer_ (_who had chosen an engagement ring_). -"Ye--yes--um--'Augustus to Irene.' And--ah--loo' here--don't--ah--cut -'Irene' very deep!!"] - - * * * * * - -A SCIENTIFIC WOOER - - "Drink to me only with thine eyes"-- - And if you happen to survive a - So curious potion, pray advise - How it affects the conjunctiva! - This problem, which my mind absorbs, - A veritable Gordian knot is: - How can maids swallow with their orbs? - Where's the protecting epiglottis? - - "I sent thee late a rosy wreath"-- - For Science' sake, my Angelina, - And hope you noticed underneath - Those buds of _rosa damascena._ - No high-flown zeal my soul uplifts, - And as for ardour, I've not got any;-- - I simply send you floral gifts - To help you forward with your botany! - - * * * * * - -THE FLIRT'S PARADISE.--Coquet Island. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SO SWEET OF HER! - -_Lady_ (_recently married, in answer to congratulations of visiting lady -friend_). "Thank you, dear. But I still find it very hard to remember my -new name." - -_Friend._ "Ah, dear, but of course you had the old one so long!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "Oh, George dear, the landlord has raised the rent!" - -"Has he? _I_ can't!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: EVIDENCE OF AN EYE-WITNESS - -_Guest._ "Why do you believe in second sight, Major?" - -_Major Darby_ (_in an impressive whisper_). "Because _I_ fell in love at -_first_ sight!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: FULL MOON] - -[Illustration: FIRST QUARTER] - -[Illustration: THIRD QUARTER] - -[Illustration: NO MOON] - - * * * * * - -THE BRUTE CREATION.--Husbands who beat their wives. - - * * * * * - -THE HEIGHT OF MODESTY.--The most bashful girl we ever knew was one who -blushed when she was asked if she had not been courting sleep. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "_Are_ you comin' 'ome?" - -"I'll do ellythik you _like_ in reasol, M'ria--(_hic_)--bur I _won't_ -come 'ome."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Harold._ "And now, darling, tell me what your father -said when you told him we were engaged." - -_Sybil._ "Oh, Harold, don't ask me to repeat his language!"] - - * * * * * - -TO ALL THE OTHER GIRLS - - You know, I like you awfully, Jess, - Phyllis, the same applies to you, - To Edith and to Mary no less, - Also to others, not a few. - Yet some of you are rather "mad," - You choose to feel, I understand, a - Slight sense of injury, since I've had - The glorious luck to win Amanda. - - I wish, sincerely, it were not - Impossible for me to fall - In love with _some_ of you--a _lot_-- - In fact I'd gladly love you _all_! - But, when you come to think it out, - I'm sure my reasoning will strike you, - You'll find it, I can have no doubt, - More flattering that I should like you. - - Fate sends their wives to poor and rich, - Fate does not send them thus their friends; - Then let my final couplet (which - I rather fancy) make amends. - This fundamental truth, I trust, - My seeming fickleness excuses-- - One simply loves because one _must_ - Whereas one likes because one _chooses_! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: HIGHLY SATISFACTORY - -_Mistress._ "I'm sorry for you, John; but if your wife has got such a -dreadful temper, why did you marry her?" - -_Coachman_ (_the Fourth Husband_). "Well, mum, I had three good -characters with her?"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _A._ "That's Jones's daughter with him. She's just about -to be married." - -_B._ "Who's the lucky man?" - -_A._ "Jones."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A FESTIVE PROSPECT! - -_Husband._ "Didn't I tell you not to invite your mother back in my----" - -_Wife._ "Dear, that's the very thing she's come about! She read your -letter!" [_Tableau._ - -] - - * * * * * - -VALENTINE'S DAY--THEN AND NOW - -[Illustration: DOMESTIC TIE] - - THEN--THIRTY YEARS AGO. _Family assembled._ - -_Paterfamilias._ Post nearly two hours late! Really disgraceful! - -_Materfamilias._ Well, dear, remember it's only once a year, and we used -to enjoy it ourselves before we were married! - -_Eldest Daughter._ I got half-a-dozen last year. I dare say I shall get -twice as many this. - -_Second Daughter._ I dare say! I believe you send them yourself! - -_Eldest Daughter._ So probable! How can you think of such silly things! -And how spiteful of you! - -_Son and Heir._ Don't quarrel, girls! And here's the post. - -_Enter servant with heaps of letters, which are eagerly seized and -distributed._ - -_Chorus._ What are they? - -_Paterfamilias_ (_disgusted at his budget_). Valentines! - - NOW--TO-DAY. _Family assembled as before._ - -_Paterfamilias._ The fourteenth of February. Dear me, surely this is a -memorable date--somehow. - -_Materfamilias._ To be sure, father. It's Valentine's Day. - -_Eldest Daughter._ Is it really true, mother, that people used to -receive pictures just as we do Christmas cards? - -_Second Daughter._ Come, _you_ can surely remember. It's not so very -long for you. - -_Eldest Daughter._ Don't be spiteful! Remember, miss, there's only a -couple of years between us! - -_Second Daughter._ Really! From our appearance there might be a decade! - -_Son and Heir._ Don't quarrel, girls! And here's the post! - -_Enter servant with a solitary letter._ - -_Chorus._ What is it? - -_Paterfamilias_ (_perusing a bill_). Not a Valentine! - - * * * * * - -"THE ACT OF UNION."--Getting married. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _That dear old Mrs. Wilkinson_ (_who can't always express -exactly what she means to say, meeting Jones with the girl of his -choice_). "And is this young lady your _fiasco_, Mr. Jones?"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Brown._ "I say, old man, who's that very plain elderly -lady you were walking with--now sitting here?" - -_Smith_ (_the impecunious, who has married money_). "Oh, that's my -wife." - -_Brown._ "Your wife! But"--(_lowering his voice_)--"She has only one -eye--and so awfully--I beg your pardon--but----" - -_Smith_ (_pleasantly_). "You needn't whisper, old man. She's _deaf_"] - - * * * * * - -LOVE IN LACONICS - - _He._ Love you! Have me, dear? - _She._ Humph! How much a year? - _He._ Three hundred! Expectations. - _She._ Tales of hope! Relations? - _He._ Aunt. Ten thousand pounder. - Eighty. Always found her - Liberal. Thinks me Crichton, - Seedy now at Brighton. - Made her will,--a right 'un! - _She._ Ah! _Aunt_-icipations,-- - Like _x_ in equations-- - Unknown quantity? - Question! Let me see, - Love + "screw" + _x_ - (Latter for expecs) - Equals Me + You! - Hardly think 'twill do! - Do not wish to vex, - But,--first find out _x_! - _He._ If I prove _x_ ample-- - _She._ I'll no longer trample - On your hopes. - _He._ Agreed! - _She._ Hope you may succeed! - - * * * * * - -THE RESULT OF AN IMPRUDENT MARRIAGE (_by our own Matrimonial -Adviser_).--County Court-ship. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Ethel._ "Why, what's the matter, Gertrude?" - -_Gertrude._ "Oh, nothing. Only Jack and I had a quarrel the other day, -and I wrote and told him never to dare to speak or write to me -again,---- and the wretch hasn't even had the decency to answer my -letter!"] - - * * * * * - -THE IDEAL HUSBAND - -My dear Ethel,--You ask me what "sort of a husband" I recommend. My -dear, ask me the name of a dressmaker, of a doctor, or of a (ugh!) -dentist, and I can tell you precisely. I can name the man. But what sort -of a husband! Well, after sifting the matter carefully, and after -looking before _you_ leap, and after an experience of some few years of -married life, I say, decidedly, choose a man . . . - -[Illustration: WHO LIKES TO GO SHOPPING.] - -You will find him very useful if managed judiciously; he will prove an -immense saving to you, as if you went alone you would have to tip -porters, and squabble with cabmen. Then from a certain view I should -advise some of those "about to marry" to select a man who has no club. -But this is an exceptional case. Finally, if you wish to be strictly -economical, and to live in the suburbs, or in the country, and if your -husband has no occupation or profession, then I should say, in order -that you may attend assiduously to your domestic duties, which include -visiting, five o'clock teas, and so forth, then ascertain that your -husband is of a maternal disposition, and one . . . - -[Illustration: WHO DOES THIS.] - -If I think of anything else I will let you know. But, above all, please -yourself, and by so doing you will delight . . . - -[Illustration] - -Yours affectionately, DORA. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "OUT OF THE FRYING-PAN," &c. - -_Parson_ (_to Ne'er-do-weel_). "What's this I hear, Giles--that your -wife has left you! Ah! this is what I----" - -_Giles._ "She might do worse than that, sir." - -_Parson_ (_shocked_). "Worse!" - -_Giles._ "She might come back again!"] - - * * * * * - -TO A RICH YOUNG WIDOW. - - I will not ask if thou canst touch - The tuneful ivory key? - Those silent notes of thine are such - As quite suffice for me. - - I'll make no question if thy skill - The pencil comprehends, - Enough for me, love, if thou still - Canst draw thy dividends! - - * * * * * - -"SO SELFISH?"--_Husband_ (_with pride_). "My love, I've been -effecting--I've insured my life to-day for ten thousand pou----" - -_Young Wife._ "Just like the men! Always looking out for themselves! I -think--you might have insured mine while you were about it!!" - - * * * * * - -BY A FASHIONABLE YOUNG MARRIED WOMAN.--The latest thing out--My husband. - - * * * * * - -CELIBACY AND WEDLOCK.--If single life is bad, then it stands to reason -that double life is twice as bad. - - * * * * * - -EMPLOYMENT FOR WOMEN.--Matchmaking. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: VERY NECESSARY - -_Young Wife._ "I'm so happy! I wonder you never married." - -_Elderly Spinster._ "My child, I've always said I never _would_ and -never _could_ marry until I met a man different from other men and full -of courage." - -_Young Wife._ "Of course you couldn't. How stupid of me."] - - * * * * * - -THE "OFF" SEASON - - Daphne, that day - Do you remember - (Then it was May, - Now it's November) - - Plighting our troth - Nothing should sever; - Binding us both - Firmly, for ever? - - Yes, I allow - Strephon's more showy;-- - As for me, now - I prefer Chloe. - - Yet, if men say - "Fickle," remember - Then it was May, - Now it's November. - - * * * * * - -PAPER FOR THE NEWLY-MARRIED.--_The Economist._ - - * * * * * - -"À PROPOS!"--_Sententious Old Bachelor_ (_in the course of -conversation_). "As the 'old saw' has it, my dear madam, 'Man proposes, -but----'" - -_Widow_ (_promptly_). "Yes; but that's just what he doesn't do!" - (_Tableau!_) - - * * * * * - -MOTTO FOR THE DIVORCE COURT.--Marry, and come up! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _She._ "But, George, suppose papa settles my dowry on me -in my own right?" - -_He._ "Well, my dear girl, it's--er--nothing to me if he does!"] - - * * * * * - -LOVE LETTERS OF A BUSINESS MAN. - -[Illustration: ABOUT TO ENTER THE BRIDAL STATE] - -The course of true love, though beset with almost insurmountable -obstacles, often rewards the faithful lovers at the last with supreme -happiness. But, alas! sometimes the said true love proves naught but a -toboggan-slide leading to a precipice, into which the true lovers' hopes -are hurled and dashed into atomic smithereens. - -We have before us a volume of a "Business Man's Love Letters," a few -extracts from which we give below. Reader, if you have a tear, prepare -to shed it now! The burning passion which surges in the lover's heart, -though embodied in phrases habitually used by a business man, is sure to -touch your soul. But presently comes the pathetic ending, when she is no -longer anything to him, and he--to use the imperfect but -comprehensive vernacular--is to her as "dead as a door nail." Reader, -read on! - -I. - -_August_ 1, 1899. - -DEAR MISS SMYTHE,--With reference to my visit last evening at the house -of Mr. John Jorkins, our mutual friend, when I had the pleasure of -meeting you. - -Having been much charmed by your conversation and general -attractiveness, I beg to inquire whether you will allow me to cultivate -the acquaintanceship further. - -Awaiting the favour of your esteemed reply, - -Yours faithfully, - -JOHN GREEN. - -II. - -_August_ 3, 1899. - -MY DEAR MISS SMYTHE,--I beg to acknowledge with many thanks receipt of -your letter of even date, contents of which I note with much pleasure. - -I hope to call this evening at 7.15 p.m., when I trust to find you at -home. - -With kindest regards, I beg to remain, - -Yours very truly, - -JOHN GREEN. - -III. - -_August_ 21, 1899. - -MY DEAREST EVELINA,--Referring to our conversation this evening when -you consented to become my wife. - -I beg to confirm the arrangement then made, and would suggest the -wedding should take place within the ensuing six months. No doubt you -will give the other necessary details your best consideration, and will -communicate your views to me in due course. - -Trusting there is every happiness before us, - -I remain, - -Your darling Chickabiddy, - -JOHN. - -IV. - -_August_ 22, 1899. - -MY OWNEST TOOTSEY-WOOTSEY,--Enclosed please find 22-carat gold -engagement ring, set with thirteen diamonds and three rubies, receipt of -which kindly acknowledge by return. - -Trusting same will give every satisfaction, - -I am, - -Your only lovey-dovey, - -JOHNNY. - -X X X X X X Kindly note kisses. - -V. - -_November_ 24, 1899. - -MY SWEETEST EVELINA,--I am duly in receipt of your letter of 20th inst., -which I regret was not answered before owing to pressure of business. - -In reply thereto I beg to state that I do love you dearly, and only you, -and also no one else in all the world. Further I shall have much -pleasure in continuing to love you for evermore, and no one else in all -the world. - -Trusting to see you this evening as usual and in good health. - -I am, Your ownest own, - -JOHN. - -VI. - -_January_ 4, 1900. - -TO MISS SMYTHE, MADAM,--In accordance with the intention expressed in my -letter of yesterday, I duly forwarded addressed to you a parcel -containing all letters, etc., received from you, and presume they have -been safely delivered. - -I have received to-day, per carrier, a parcel containing various letters -which I have written to you from time to time. No doubt it was your -intention to despatch the complete number written by me, but I notice -one dated August 21 is not included. Will you kindly forward the letter -in question by return, when I will send you a full receipt? - -Yours faithfully, - -JOHN GREEN. - -VII. - -_January_ 6, 1900. - -TO MISS SMYTHE, MADAM,--I beg to acknowledge receipt of your letter of -yesterday, and note your object in retaining my letter of August 21 -last. As I intend to defend the issue in the case, I shall do as you -request, and will leave all further communications to be made through my -solicitors. - -Yours, &c., - -JOHN GREEN. - -VIII. - -15, _Peace Court, Temple, E.C._ - -Messrs. BANG, CRASH & Co., - -_9a, Quarrel Row, E.C._ - -_Smythe_ v. _Green_. - -GENTLEMEN,--We are in receipt of your communication of yesterday's date, -with which you enclose copy of letter dated August 21. We note that you -state the document in question has been duly stamped at Somerset House, -and are writing our client this evening with a view to offering your -client terms, through you, to stay the proceedings which have been -commenced. - -Yours faithfully, - -BLITHERS, BLATHERS, BLOTHERS & Co. - - * * * * * - -STRANGE BUT TRUE.--When does a husband find his wife out? When he finds -her at home and she doesn't expect him. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: DOMESTIC BLISS - -_Head of the Family._ "For what we are going to receive, make us truly -thankful.--Hem! Cold mutton again!" - -_Wife of the Bussum._ "And a very good dinner too, Alexander. _Somebody_ -must be economical. _People_ can't expect to have _Richmond_ and -_Greenwich_ dinners out of the little housekeeping money _I_ have."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "AN ENGLISH MAN'S HOUSE," Etc. - -Maid (looking over wall to newly married couple just returned from their -honeymoon). "Oh please'm, that dog was sent here yesterday as a wedding -present; and none of us can't go near him. You'll have to go round the -back way!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: CAUTION - -_Married Sister._ "And of course, Laura, you will go to Rome or Florence -for your honeymoon?" - -_Laura._ "Oh dear, no! I couldn't think of going further than the Isle -of Wight with a man I know little or nothing of!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: LOVE'S PROMPTINGS - -_Edwin_ (_recit_). "'There is no one beside thee, and no one above thee. -Thou standest alone, as the nightingale sings!'" &c., &c. - -_Angelina_ (_amorously_). "Oh, Edwin, how _do_ you think of such -beautiful things?"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: DIFFERENT ASPECTS - -_She._ "Isn't it a pretty view?" - -_Susceptible Youth._ "Awfully pretty, by Jove!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: MARRIED _v._ SINGLE - -_Bee_ (_single_). "Why do you wear a pink blouse, dear? It makes you -look so yellow!" - -_Bella_ (_married_). "Does it, dear? Of course you can make _your_ -complexion suit _any_ blouse, can't you!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _He._ "My people are bothering me to marry Miss Mayford." - -_She._ "You'd be very lucky if you did. She is very clever and very -beautiful----" - -_He._ "Oh! _I_ don't want to marry brains and beauty. I want to marry -_you_."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: AN AMBIGUOUS COMPLIMENT - -_Miss Beekley._ "I'm so glad _I'm_ not an heiress, Mr. Soper. I should -never know whether my suitors were attracted by myself or my money." - -_Mr. Soper._ "Oh, Miss Beekley, your mirror should leave you in no doubt -on that score!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Bulkley._ "Yes; her parents persuaded her, and it's all -over between us." - -_Sympathetic Friend._ "She can't have realised what a lot she was giving -up."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: - -_Wife._ "I hope you talked plainly to him." - -_Husband._ "I did indeed. _I_ told him he was a fool, a perfect fool!" - -_Wife_ (_approvingly_). "Dear John! How exactly like you!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE OLD, OLD STORY! - -_The Colonel._ "Yes; _he_ was senior wrangler of his year, and _she_ -took a mathematical scholarship at Girton; and now they're engaged!" - -_Mrs. Jones._ "Dear me, how interesting! and oh, how different their -conversation must be from the insipid twaddle of ordinary lovers!" - -THEIR CONVERSATION - -_He._ "And what would _dovey_ do, if lovey were to _die_?" - -_She._ "Oh, dovey would die _too_!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: NEEDLESSLY POINTED - -_Sympathetic Friend._ "Well, my dear, I'm sure your mother will miss you -sadly after your _having been with her so long_!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: ALTRUISM - -_Maud_ (_newly married_). "You look very melancholy, George; are you -sorry you married me?" - -_George._ "No, dear--of course not. I was only thinking of all the nice -girls I can't marry." - -_Maud._ "Oh, George, how horrid of you! I thought you cared for nobody -but me?" - -_George._ "No more I do. I wasn't thinking of myself, but of the -disappointment for _them_."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Jones_ (_newly married_). "There's my darling playing -the guitar."] - -[Illustration: (_But it wasn't. It was only the garden roller over the -gravel!_)] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID - -_Jones._ "I will!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: - -_Mr. Jenks_ (_who likes Miss Constance_). "No, I assure you, Miss -Constance, I have _never_ indulged in flirtation." - -_Miss Constance_ (_who does_ not _care for Mr. Jenks_). "Ah, perhaps you -have never had any _encouragement_!"] - - * * * * * - -THE LUXURY OF LIBERTY.--_Bosom Friend._ "Well, dear, now that you are a -widow, tell me are you any the happier for it?" _Interesting Widow._ -"Oh! no. But I have my freedom, and that's a great comfort. Do you know, -my dear, I had an onion yesterday for the first time these fourteen -years?" - - * * * * * - -"THE SILLY SEASON."--The Honeymoon. - - * * * * * - -CONSOLATION.--_Mother-in-law._ "I'll be bound that Robert--I've lost all -patience with him--never dined with you on Michaelmas-day, my dear?" -_Daughter._ "No, mamma, but he sent me home a goose." _Mother-in-law._ -"Psha! Done in a fit of absence, my dear." - - * * * * * - -THE HUSBAND'S REVENGE - -_A Warning to Wives who will keep bad Cooks_ - - Provisions raw - Long time he bore: - Remonstrance was in vain; - To escape the scrub - He join'd a club: - Nor dined at home again. - - * * * * * - -MATRIMONY (_by our Musical Cynic_).--The common c(h)ord of two flats. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: DOMESTIC BLISS - -_Little Foot Page_ (_unexpectedly_). "Here's some gentlemen, please, -sir!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: - -"Can I go abroad to finish, ma?" - -"No. It's time you were married--and men don't care how ill-educated a -woman is." - -"You shouldn't judge everybody by pa, ma!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: LEAVING THE PARENTAL NEST - -_The Bride's Father_ (_to Bridegroom_). "Oh, John, you'll take _care_ of -her, _won't_ you!"] - - * * * * * - -REFLECTIONS ON A BROKEN ENGAGEMENT - - We parted--cheerfully! Yet now - I've fallen into disrepute - With nearly all her friends, who vow - That she's an angel, I'm a brute; - Black isn't black enough for me - My conduct will not bear inspection-- - A statement which I hold to be - Fair food for critical reflection. - - We parted. The consummate ease - With which "united hearts" can range - From their allegiance, if they please, - But illustrates the laws of change. - The thoughts and tastes of yester year - Fall under Father Time's correction-- - This is not critical, I fear, - But platitudinous reflection! - - We parted. She had quite a pack - Of friends, "nice boys," as she avowed; - She called them Bob, and Dick, and Jack, - And I was--one amongst the crowd. - I did not, people may infer, - Possess entire her young affection-- - Yet, be it understood, on her - I cast no shadow of reflection! - - We parted. Men cannot persist-- - In playing uncongenial parts-- - I was a keen philatelist, - Her hobby was collecting--hearts - A simple case. I did not pine - To add my heart to her collection, - She had no stamps to add to mine, - We parted--wisely, on reflection! - - * * * * * - -CURIOUS DISTINCTION.--The English love; the French make love.--_Madame -Punch._ - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: - -_Mr. Grumble._ "I see by the paper that Mount Vesuvius is in eruption." - -_Mrs. G._ "Oh, I'm _so_ glad!" - -_Mr. G._ "There you are again, Maria. Now why on earth should you be -glad?" - -_Mrs. G._ "Well, you can't blame _me_ for it that's all!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: OLD FRIENDS - -_He._ "Do you remember your old school-friend Sophy Smythe?" - -_She._ "Yes, indeed, I do. A most absurd-looking thing. So silly too! -What became of her?" - -_He._ "Oh, nothing. Only--I married her."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: IN THE SAME BOAT - -"I don't think she's pretty." - -"Neither do I." (_After a pause._) "Did she refuse you too?"] - - * * * * * - -GREAT EXPECTATIONS.--_Ethel_ (_youngest daughter_). "Oh, pa dear, what -did Geo---- what did young Mr. Brown want?" _Pa._ "Secret, my love. -'Wished to speak to me privately!" _Ethel._ "Oh, pa, but do tell -me--'cause he was so very attentive to me before you came in--and then -asked me to leave the room." _Pa._ "Well, my dear"--(_in a -whisper_)--"he'd left his purse at the office, and wanted to borrow -eighteenpence to pay his train home!" - - * * * * * - -"SHARP'S THE WORD!"--_Wife._ "Poor mamma is dreadfully low-spirited this -morning, George. Only think--she has just expressed a wish to be -cremated!" _Husband_ (_with alacrity_). "'O'b-less my----" (_Throwing -down his newspaper._) "Tell her to put her things on, dear! I'll--I'll -drive her over at once!!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: ON THE CARDS - -_Young Wife._ "Oh, mamma, do you know I believe Alfred's going to -reform, and give up gambling!" - -_Her Mother._ "What makes you think so, dear?" - -_Young Wife._ "Why all last night he kept talking in his sleep about his -miserable, worthless heart!"] - - * * * * * - -PROFESSIONAL LOVE-LETTERS - -[Illustration: LOOKING AFTER THE CHAPS] - -I - -_From_ MR. NORMAN DORMER, _Architect and Surveyor, to_ MISS CAROLINE -TOWER. - -MY PRECIOUS, - -Pity me who must stay and fret in London, while you are enjoying -yourself at Broadstairs. How I long to be there, surveying the ocean by -your side, and tracing your dear name on the sands! But fate and a -father have placed a barrier between us. So I pace up and down before -the old house in T---- Square, and look up at a certain dormitory on the -second story--in no state of elevation you may be sure--and make plans -for the future, and build castles in the air, and try to forget that my -designs on your heart appear ridiculous to your papa, whose estimate of -me I am aware is not in excess. For can I forget what he said that wet -Saturday afternoon in the back drawing-room, when I tendered myself to -him as a son-in-law, and the tender was not accepted? After telling him -that it was the summit, the pinnacle of my ambition to win you -as my wife, did he not answer that he considered I ought not to aspire -to your hand until the statement of my pecuniary means (as he worded it) -was more satisfactory, and, meanwhile, requested me to discontinue my -pointed attentions? Never until _you_ bid me. Only be firm, and the -difficulties now in our way will but serve to cement us more closely -together; only be true and I will wait patiently for that day which -shall put the coping-stone to my happiness. I build upon every word, -every look, every smile I can call to mind. You _will_ write and assure -me there is no foundation for the report of another and more fortunate -competitor, but that I still fill the same niche in your affections I -ever did? For, Caroline, were I to hear you were an "engaged" Tower, I -could not survive the blow. I should stab myself with my compasses in -the back office. - -But away with such gloomy fears. Let me picture her to myself. How plumb -she stands! How arch she looks! What a beam in her eye! What a graceful -curve in her neck! What an exquisitely chiselled nose! What a brick of a -girl altogether! I must stop in my specification, or you will think -there is something wrong in my upper story, and not give credence to a -word I say. - -I have just been calling on your sister, and saw your little pet Poppy, -who talked in her pretty _Early English_ about "Tant Tarry." Aunt Sarah -was there, staying the day, looking as mediæval as ever, and with her -hair dressed in the usual Decorated style. She hinted that you were -imperious, and that any man who married you must make up his mind (grim -joke) to fetch and Carry at your bidding. And then you were so -ambitious! The wiseacre! why, I will leave no stone unturned to get on -in my profession if you will only be constant. I will be the architect -of my own fortunes--your love the keystone of my prosperity. The columns -of every newspaper shall record my success; every capital in Europe -shall know my name. She did not unhinge me a bit, and the shafts of her -ridicule fell harmless; although, she made an allusion to "dumpy" men, -which I knew was levelled at me, and sneered at married life as very -pretty for a time, but the stucco soon fell off. Poor Aunt Sarah! I left -her sitting up quite perpendicular with that everlasting work which she -is always herring-boning. And now, Carry, darling--oh, dear! I am wanted -about something in our designs for the new Law Courts, and have only -time to sign myself, - -Your own, till Domesday, NORMAN. - -II - - _From_ MR. ALFRED PYE, _Professed Man Cook, - to_ - MISS MARTHA BROWNING. - -What a stew I was in all Friday, when no letter came from my Patty! -Everything went wrong. I made a hash of one of my _entrées_, and the -_chef_, who guessed the cause of my confusion, roasted me so that at -last I boiled over, and gave him rather a tart answer, for, as you know, -I am at times a little too peppery. Thy sweet note, when it _did_ -arrive, made all right. I believe I was quite foolish, and went capering -about with delight. And then I cooled down, and composed a new -_soufflé_. So you see I do not fritter away _all_ my time, whatever -those malicious people who are so ready to carp at me may think. - -You say you always like to know where I go in an evening. Well, I went -to the Trotters last night, and Fanny played the accompaniment, and I -sang--how it made me think of you!--"_Good-bye, Sweetbread, good-bye!_" -(How absurd! Do you see what I have written instead of _"Sweetheart"_? -All the force of habit. It will remind you of that night at Cookham, -when we were the top couple in the supper quadrille, and I shouted, -"Now, Side-dishes, begin!" and everybody roared except a certain young -lady, who looked a trifle vexed. Don't you remember that Spring? You -must, because the young potatoes were so small.) - -Your _protégé_, Peter, goes on famously. He's a broth of a boy, not a -pickle, like many lads of his age, and yet he won't stand being sauced, -as he calls it. He and I nearly got parted at the station, for the crowd -was very great after the races--in fact, a regular jam. It rained hard -when we reached Sandwich, and I got dripping wet, for I had forgotten my -waterproof, and there was not a cab to be had. But now the weather has -changed again, and we are half baked. A broiling sun and not a puff of -wind. - -There was no one in the train I knew. Some small fry stuffing buns all -the way, and opposite me a girl who had her hair crimped just like -yours, and wore exactly the same sort of scalloped jacket. A raw young -man with her, evidently quite spooney; and they larded their talk with -rather too many "loves" and "dears" for my taste, for you know _we_ are -never tender in public. It grated _so_ on my ear, that at last I made -some harmless joke to try and stop it, but mademoiselle, who spoke in -that mincing way you detest, turtled up, so I held my tongue all the -rest of the way, and amused myself with looking at your _carte_, and -concocting one of my own for our great dinner on the 29th, for the -_chef_ has gone to Spithead, and left all to me. And now, my duck, not -to mince matters, when I have got that off my mind (if the dinner is -only as well dressed as you, it will do), you must fix the day. I am -quite unsettled. I cannot concentrate my thoughts on my gravies as I -ought, and my desserts are anything but meritorious. All your fault, -miss. You are as slippery as an eel. I must have it all arranged when I -come up to the City next week. I have some business in the Poultry, but -shall slip away as soon as I can, and bring your mother the potted -grouse and chutney. ("Cunning man," I hear you say, "he wants to curry -favour with mamma.") And you will do what I ask? Where shall we go for -our wedding trip?--Strasbourg, Turkey, Cayenne, Westphalia, -Worcestershire? Perhaps, I think most of coming back to the little house -which I know somebody will always keep in apple-pie order, and of covers -for two; and I shall admire the pretty filbert-nails while she -peels my nuts, and we will both give up our flirtations, mere -_entremets_, and sit down soberly to enjoy that substantial -_pièce de résistance_ -- Matrimony. Do you like the _menu_? -Then, my lamb, say "yes" to - -Your own - -ALFRED. - -P.S.--I know my temper is rather short, but then think of my crust! And -it speaks well for me that I would rather be roasted fifty times than -buttered once. I _do_ hate flummery, certainly. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Partner of his Joys_ (_who has superintended the -removal_). "Well, dear, you haven't said how you like the new flat!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: - -_She._ "It's no use bothering me, Jack. I shall marry whom I please." - -_He._ "That's all I'm asking you to do, my dear. You please me well -enough!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: AN UNFORESEEN MATRIMONIAL CONTINGENCY - -_Angelina._ "Did you ever see anything so wonderful as the likeness -between old Mr. and Mrs. Bellamy, Edwin? One would think they were -brother and sister, instead of husband and wife!" - -_Edwin._ "Married people always grow like each other in time, darling. -It's very touching and beautiful to behold!" - -_Angelina (not without anxiety)._ "Dear me! And is it _invariably_ the -case, my love?"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: - -_The Widow's Intended._ "Well, Tommy, has your mother told you of my -good fortune." - -_Tommy._ "No. She only said she was going to marry you!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Young Muddleigh, who has been out buying underwear for -his personal use, purchases at the same establishment some flowers for -his ladye-love--leaving a note to be enclosed. Imagine Young Muddleigh's -horror, on returning to dress, to discover that the underwear had been -sent with the note, and the flowers to him! Muddleigh discovered, -repeating slowly to himself the contents of the note_:--"Please wear -these this evening, for my sake!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "IS IT A FAILURE?" - -_Mamma_ (_their last unmarried daughter having just accepted an offer_). -"Well, George, now the girls are all happily settled, I think we may -consider ourselves fortunate, and that marriage isn't----" - -_Papa_ (_a pessimist_). "Um--'don't know! Four families to keep 'stead -of one!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SO FRIVOLOUS! - -_Wife._ "Solomon, I have a bone to pick with you." - -_Solomon_ (_flippantly_) "With pleasure, my dear, so long as it's a -funny bone!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "HUSBANDS IN WAITING"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: - -_Stout Wife._ "I shall never get through here, James. If you were half a -man, you would lift me over!" - -_Husband._ "If you were half a woman, my dear, it would be easier!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: - -"Was he very much cast down after he'd spoken to papa?" - -"Yes. Three flights of stairs!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "SCORED" - -_Little Wife._ "Now, Fred dear, I'm ready." - -_Lazy Husband._ "I'm awfully sorry, dear; but I _must_ stay in, as I'm -expecting a friend every minute." - -_Little Wife_ (_sarcastically_). "A friend every minute! Heavens, Fred! -What a crowd of friends you'll have by the end of the day!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: DECIDEDLY PLEASANT - -_Genial Youth._ "I say, Gubby, old chap, is this really true about your -going to marry my sister Edie?" - -_Gubbins._ "Yes, Tommy. It's all settled. But why do you ask?" - -_G. Y._ "Oh! only because I shall have such a jolly slack time now! You -know _I've_ pulled off nearly all her engagements so far, only you're -the first one who's been a _real stayer_!!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: - -_He._ "The joke was, both these girls were hopelessly in love with me, -and I made them madly jealous of each other." - -_She._ "I wonder you had the face to do it, Mr. Sparkins!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "WE FELL OUT, MY WIFE AND I" - -_He._ "That's absurd! Do you think I'm as big a fool as I look?" - -_She._ "I think that if you aren't, you have a great deal to be thankful -for!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SUCH AN EXAMPLE - -_Wife_ (_to husband, who has barked his shins violently against the bed, -and is muttering something to himself_). "Oh, Jack, how _can_ you! -Supposing baby were to hear you!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _She_ (_after they have walked three miles without a word -being spoken_). "Aw say, John, tha'art very quoiet. Has nowt fur to -say?" - -_He._ "What mun aw say? Aw dunno know." - -_She._ "Say that tha loves me." - -_He._ "It's a'reet _sayin_' aw love thee, but aw dunno loike tellin' -loies!"] - - * * * * * - -WHAT TO WEAR ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. - -(By a Confirmed and Cantankerous Celibate) - - Married in white, - You have hooked him all right. - Married in grey, - He will ne'er get away. - Married in black, - He will wish himself back. - Married in red, - He will wish himself dead. - Married in green, - _His_ true colour is seen. - Married in blue, - _He_ will look it, not _you_. - Married in pearl, - He the distaff will twirl. - Married in yellow, - Poor fellow! Poor fellow! - Married in brown, - Down, down, derry down. - Married in pink, - To a slave he will sink. - Married in crimson, - He'll dangle your whims on. - Married in buff, - He will soon have enough. - Married in scarlet, - Poor victimised varlet! - Married in violet, purple, or puce, - It doesn't much matter, they _all_ mean--the deuce! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A CASE OF GREAT INTEREST AT SOUTH KENSINGTON MUSEUM - -STUDY FROM LIFE] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A ROMANCE OF ROAST DUCKS - -"My darling, will you take a little of the--a--the stuffing?" - -"I will, dear, if you do; but if you don't, I won't."] - - * * * * * - -THE REAL FALL OF MAN.--Falling in love! - - * * * * * - -QUALIFYING A SWEEPING ASSERTION.--_Sophie_ (_after hearing about -Frank_). "I declare I shall not believe a word a man says to me. They're -_all_ liars!" _Beatrice._ "For shame, Sophie!" _Sophie_ (_regretfully_). -"At least all the _nice_ ones are!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: INGRATITUDE - -_Brown._ "Why doesn't Walker stop to speak? Thought he knew you!" - -_Smith._ "Used to; but I introduced him to the girl he married. Neither -of them recognises me now!"] - - * * * * * - -ADVICE TO YOUNG HOUSEKEEPERS.--Put your washing out if you do not wish -your husband to be put out. - - * * * * * - -CONGRUOUS COUPLES. - - If there's a well-matched pair in married life - It is a horsey man and nagging wife. - - * * * * * - -APT ILLUSTRATION.--Idealism and Realism: Courtship and Marriage. - - * * * * * - -FAR FROM IT.--The woman who is bent on marrying a man because he is a -lion, should remember that it does not necessarily follow that she will -become a lioness. - - * * * * * - -OVER-SCRUPULOUS.--"My husband is Vicar of St. Boniface--but I don't -attend his church." "Indeed! How is that?" "The fact is, I--I don't -approve of married clergymen!" - - * * * * * - -"HOME RULE."--Petticoat government. - - * * * * * - -CALF-LOVE - - Calf-love is a passion most people scorn, - Who've loved, and outlived, life and love's young morn; - But there _is_ a calf-love too common by half, - And that's the love of the Golden Calf! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: HE HAD BEEN KICKED OUT ONCE - -_She._ "Wot time be you a-coming round to-night, Jock?" - -_Jock._ "What time does y'r old man put 'is slippers on?"] - - * * * * * - -MRS. NAGGLETON'S ADVICE TO A WIFE.--Defiance, not defence. - - * * * * * - -LONG ODDS.--Tall husband and short wife. - - * * * * * - -WORDS TO A WIFE - - Love, thou'rt like yet unlike mutton, - Likewise beef, and veal, and lamb. - Do not answer that the glutton - I bespeak me that I am. - They in price, year after year, are - Rising, thou must needs allow; - Butcher's meat grows ever dearer: - So, and yet not so, dost thou. - - For although my annual payment - To my butcher waxeth still, - Less and less each time for raiment, - Wanes thy linendraper's bill. - Thus by thrift expense thou meetest; - Whence thy wisdom doth appear: - Also, that I find thee, sweetest, - Cheaper still and still more dear. - - * * * * * - -ÆSTHETICS OF DRESS.--_Customer_ (_he has been bidden to a wedding, and -can't make up his mind in the matter of trouser patterns, but at last -says_). "O, there! that'll do, I sh'd think!" _Tailor._ "Pardon me, sir; -if you are going to be 'best man,' the shade is hardly tender enough!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: TURTLE-DOVETAILING - -["The latest development of phrenological enterprise is the -establishment of a phrenological matrimonial bureau, to secure the -introduction of persons desiring to be married to partners with suitable -or harmonious phrenological endowments."--_Daily Paper._] - -_Miss Evergreen_ (_who has been introduced to Mr. Slowboy_). "Well, it -may be a lovely head, but ain't he got a big bump of _cautiousness_!"] - - * * * * * - -THE DIVORCE SHOP - - "A nation of shopkeepers!" Well, that old jeer - May fall with small sting on an Englishman's ear, - For 'tis commerce that keeps the world going. - But _this_ kind of shop? By his _bâton_ and hunch, - The thought of it sickens the spirit of _Punch_, - And sets his cheek angrily glowing. - - The Philistines, Puritans, Podsnaps, and Prigs - Of Britain play up some preposterous rigs, - And tax e'en cosmopolite charity. - But here is a business that's not to be borne; - Its mead is the flail and the vial of scorn, - Not chaffing or Christmas hilarity. - - The skunk _not_ indigenous, sirs, to our Isle? - The assertion might well bring a cynical smile - To the lips of a critical Yankee. - The vermin is here; he has set up a shop, - And seems doing a prosperous trade, which to stop - Demands more than mere law's hanky-panky. - - Poor law's tangled up in long coils of red tape, - She's the butt for each Jeremy Diddler's coarse jape, - Every filthy Paul Pry's ghoulish giggle. - John Bull, my fine fellow, wake up, and determine - To stamp out the lives of the venomous vermin - Who round your home-hearth writhe and wriggle. - - 'Ware snakes! No, _Punch_ begs the ophidian's pardon! - The slimiest slug in the filthiest garden - Is not so revolting as these are, - These ultra-reptilian rascals, who spy - Round our homes, and, for pay, would, with treacherous eye, - Find flaws in the wife e'en of Cæsar. - - Find? Well, if unable to _find_ they will _make_. - No, the loathliest asp that e'er lurked in the brake - To spring on the passer unwary, - Was not such an _anguis in herbâ_ as this is, - Mean worm, which of all warning rattles and hisses - Is so calculatingly chary. - - The spy sets up shop! And what has he for sale? - False evidence meant to weight justice's scale, - Eavesdroppings, astute fabrications, - The figments of vile keyhole varlets, the fudge - Of venal vindictiveness. Faugh! the foul sludge - Reeks rank as the swamp's exhalations. - - Paul Pry, with a poison-fang, ready to bite - In the pay of home-hate or political spite, - Is a portent as mean as malignant. - The villain is vermin scarce worthy of steel, - His head should lie crushed 'neath the merciless heel - Of honesty hotly indignant. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE DIVORCE SHOP - -_Private Inquiry Agent._ "Want a divorce, sir? Certainly, -sir,--certainly! Any evidence you may require ready at the shortest -possible notice!!"] - - * * * * * - -THE BEST SCHOOL OF NEEDLEWORK.--A husband's wardrobe. - - * * * * * - -A PARTING INJUNCTION.--A decree in the Divorce Court. - - * * * * * - -SIMPLE.--_Q._ When is a man tied to time? _A._ When he marries a second. - - * * * * * - -"NATURAL SELECTION."--Choosing a wife. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Small Voice from under the bed._ "_No_, I will _not_ -come out! I tell you, once and for all, Bernesia, I _will_ be master in -my own house!"] - - * * * * * - -THE BEST EXCUSE FOR A MAN MARRYING HIS DECEASED WIFE'S SISTER.--Because -he will only have one mother-in-law. - - * * * * * - -A DISTINCTION WITHOUT A DIFFERENCE - -(_A Drama in two Acts illustrative of the peculiarities of the British -Idiom of End-dearment_) - -ACT I.--_Before the Event._ - -_Adolphus._ Won't it make its adored happy by naming the day then--a -playful little puss! - -_Seraphina._ Ah! I suppose it must have its own way--a sad young dog. - -ACT II.--_After the Event._ - -_Seraphina_ (_with emphasis_). O! when mamma comes you will not treat me -so--you insolent puppy! - -_Adolphus_ (_with decided emphasis_). Ah! don't talk to me, you cat!!! - -_Curtain falls._ - - * * * * * - -THE BEST SETTLEMENT FOR A RICH WIFE WHO ELOPES.--A penal one. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: COLD SYMPATHY - -_Friend._ "Hullo, old man, what's the matter?" - -_Gilded Youth._ "Just proposed to a girl--been refused. Think I shall -blow my brains out!" - -_Friend._ "Congratulate you, old chap!" - -_Gilded Youth._ "What do you mean?" - -_Friend._ "Didn't know you had any!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: QUOD ERAT DEMONSTRANDUM - -_Gertrude._ "But nobody ever dies of a broken heart." - -_Evelyn._ "Oh, but they do. Why, I knew a man who was jilted, and he -died almost immediately afterwards." - -_Gertrude._ "Well, if he'd lived he'd have got over it."] - - * * * * * - -THE SEVEN WONDERS THE SEVEN WONDERS -OF A MARRIED MAN. OF A MARRIED - WOMAN. - -1. NOT going to sleep after 1. NEVER having "a -dinner! gown to put on," when - invited out anywhere. - -2. Never going anywhere 2. Always being down the -in the evening, excepting first to breakfast! always -"to the club!" being dressed in time for - dinner! and never keeping - the carriage (or the cab) - waiting at the door a - minute! - -3. Always being good-tempered 3. Not always having -over the loss of a "delicate health," about -button, and never wreaking the autumn, and being -his vengeance on the coals recommended by her medical -if the dinner isn't ready man "change of air" -exactly to a minute! immediately! - -4. Never finding fault with 4. Keeping up her "playing -his "dear little wifey", if and singing" the same -she happens to be his partner after marriage as before! -at whist. - -5. Not "wondering," 5. Giving her husband the -regularly every week, "how best cup of tea! -the money goes!" - -6. Resigning himself 6. Never making the house -cheerfully, when asked to uncomfortable by continually -accompany his wife on "a "putting it to rights!"--nor -little shopping!" filling it choke-full - with a number of things it - does not want, simply because - they are "bargains!" - -7. Insisting upon the 7. Never alluding, under -servants sitting up, sooner the strongest provocation, -than take the latchkey with to "the complete sacrifice -him!!! she has made of herself!"--nor - regretting the "two or - three good offers," which - she (in common with every - married woman) had before - she was foolish enough to - accept _him_!!--and never, - by any accident, calling her - husband "a brute!" - - * * * * * - -ALL FOR MONEY.--Jack Damyan and his wife have just started on their -wedding tour. The lady's chief attraction is her income. In this case, -Jack's friends call the usual period of seclusion the moneymoon. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE FOURTEENTH OF FEBRUARY - -_Comely Housemaid._ "None for you, miss." - -_Daughter of the House._ "But--why--who are all those for, then?" - -_Comely Housemaid._ "Me, miss!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE BALANCE RESTORED - -_Mrs. Henry Peek._ "Bah! I only married you because I pitied you, when -nobody else thought anything about you!" - -_Mr. Henry Peek_ (_wearily_). "Ah, well, my dear, everybody pities me -now!"] - - * * * * * - -SHE "JESTS AT SCARS," ETC.--_Aunt._ "And how's Louisa, my dear? Where is -she?" _Sarcastic Younger Sister_ (_fancy free_). "Oh, pretty well, but -she won't be on view these two hours. She's writing to her 'Dear Fred'; -at least I fancy I saw her come out of the library with Tupper's Poems -and a _Dictionary_!!!" - - * * * * * - -AN OLD-MAIDISM.--Love is blind, and Hymen is the oculist that generally -manages to open his eyes. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "AS MAN'S INGRATITUDE" - -"Nonsense, Frank! Can't pay them! Why, before we were married you told -me you were well off." - -"So I was. But I didn't know it!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Mr. Guzzle._ "Ah, Jinks, I hear you are going to be -married. Good thing too. You'll have some one to keep that cook of yours -up to the mark. She wants it!" - -_Mr. Jinks._ "Yes. But, you see, it's cook I'm going to marry!"] - - * * * * * - -WAITING - - Enchantress with the nut-brown hair, - Bright genius of the A. B. C., - Approach, in beauty past compare, - And spell Love's alphabet to me! - - Content no more am I each night, - Amid a weird, dyspeptic host, - To order, with a keen delight, - And watch thee bring, the tea and toast. - - I covet more transcendent joys; - Be mine, and come where Ocean waits - Instead of thee, and where annoys - No tinkling clash of cups and plates. - - There grant to me, beneath the stars, - Not buttered scones, but smiles of bliss; - Not pastry, that digestion mars, - But something sweeter still--a kiss. - - * * * - - Enchantress with the nut-brown hair, - Bright genius of the A. B. C., - Ah, heed a lover's anguished prayer, - And be not D. E. F. to me! - - * * * * * - -ADVICE TO HONEYMOONERS ABOUT TO START ON A CONTINENTAL TRIP.--The most -appropriate place for "_les noces_" should be "The Hotel Marry-time, -Calais." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: BETWEEN SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS - -_Lady Binks_ (_a devoted widow, earnestly_). "Oh, Mr. Crichton, be -careful how you marry! Sir Peter, who, as you know, rose to the highest -positions, used frequently to say that more men owed their success to -the beauty and social charm of their wives, than to their own energy and -talents." - -_Mr. Crichton_ (_plunging on the "nil nisi bonum" principle_). "Surely, -Lady Binks, none could say that of Sir Peter!"] - - * * * * * - -LITERAL.--_Visitor_ (_to Disconsolate One_). "Rejected you, did she? Oh, -what o' that? Often do at first. Try her again. You're not pertinacious -enough. You should have pressed her----" - -_Dejected One._ "Yes, but--confound her!--she wouldn't let me come near -her!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PARRIED - -_The Major_ (_not so young as he feels_). "Ah, Miss Muriel, in the -spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of----" - -_Miss Muriel_ (_who wishes to avoid a proposal_). "What a memory you -have, major!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _He._ "Oh, pray, Miss Dalrimple, _don't_ call me Mr. -Brookes." - -_She._ "Oh, but our acquaintance has been so brief. This is so -sudden----" (_Sweetly._) "Why shouldn't I call you Mr. Brookes?" - -_He._ "Oh--only because my name's Somerset!"] - - * * * * * - -"UNEQUAL RATING."--A big wife scolding a little husband. - - * * * * * - -THE DIVORCE MEASURE.--Half and half. - - * * * * * - -FEMININE PERVERSITY.--_Aunt Betsy._ "I wonder, James, at your -encouraging young Cadby to be so much with Madeline! He's a bad match, -and not a good fellow, I fear!" _Papa._ "Confound him, no! I've given -him _carte-blanche_ to come when he likes, and she's getting rather -tired of him at last, for I'm always cracking him up!" _Aunt Betsy._ -"And that nice fellow, Goodenough? He's never here now?" _Papa._ "No; -I've forbidden him the house, and won't even allow his name to be -mentioned. She's always thinking of him in consequence. I'm in hopes -she'll marry him some day!" - - * * * * * - -VIRGINIA STOCK'S VIEW OF IT. - - Is Marriage a Failure? Why, yes, to be sure. - But, oh! abolition won't furnish a cure. - Whilst thousands of spinsters in solitude tarry, - It's clearly a failure--because men _won't_ marry. - - * * * * * - -AN "ELASTIC BAND."--The Marriage Tie (in the Divorce Court). - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A PARTHIAN SHOT - -_He_ (_after a quarrel, bitterly_). "I _was_ a fool when I married -_you_!" - -_She_ (_quietly, about to leave the room_). "Yes; but I thought you -would improve!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: HARMONY - -_Brown_ (_Philistine_). "I heard it was all 'off' between you and Miss -Roweshett." - -_Wobbinson_ (_Æsthete_). "Ya-as. Incompatibility of complexion!--she -didn't suit my furnitchar!!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: - -_'Liza._ "Wot's it feel like, bein' in love, Kytie?" - -_Katie._ "Ow, it's prime, 'Liza. It's like 'avin' 'ot treacle runnin' -daown yer back!"] - - * * * * * - -SONG OF THE HIGHER SENTIMENTS - - I live a mild domestic life, - Devoted dearly to my wife, - So much so, that from her extends - My fond affection to her friends; - And first of all--no spooney raw-- - Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law! - - My pet's old parent's rather stout; - I just might clasp her waist about: - Some three yards round, and not much more. - I've thoughts of widening my front-door, - I shouldn't mind the expense one straw. - Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law! - - At times I may myself forget, - Which, if she thinks, she tells my pet; - But when I don't do all I should, - Her telling tends to make me good; - I'm pleased to have her find the flaw. - Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law! - - The servants that upon her wait - A pleasure have which must be great. - And yet can we get none to stay. - I grieve so when she goes away! - Tears from my eyes her turned heels draw. - Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law! - - A sweet old soul, how pleased I feel - To see her at the social meal - Of dinner sit, her mouth a chink - Ne'er opened save to meat--and drink! - And I'll ne'er grudge (I am so free) - Her gin and brandy in her tea. - I hold her in such filial awe; - Oh, don't I love my mother-in-law! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "Just look at Mr. Jones over there, flirting with that -girl! I always thought he was a woman-hater?" - -"So he is; but she's not here to-night!"] - - * * * * * - -THE STRAIGHT TIP.--"And so now they're engaged! _Well_, Jessie, to think -of _you_, with your beauty and accomplishments, and your lovely voice, -being cut out by such an ignorant little fright as that Maggie Quickson! -You _sang_ to him, I suppose?" "Yes, mamma, by the hour! But _she_ made -_him_ sing, you know, and played his accompaniments for him!" "Why, -_can_ he sing?" "No, mamma; but she made him _believe_ he could!" - - * * * * * - -MOTTO FOR A "KISS."--Go it, my two lips. - - * * * * * - -CROSSED IN LOVE.--A wedding-present cheque. - - * * * * * - -_Q._ What is the difference between a lover asking the object of his -affections to marry him, and a guest who ventures to hint to his host -that the Pommery '80 is rather corked? - -_A._ The one pops the question, the other questions the pop. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: - -_He._ "How would you like to own a--er--a little puppy?" - -_She._ "Oh, Mr. Softly, this is so sudden!"] - - * * * * * - -HOW TO MAKE LIFE EMINENTLY DISAGREEABLE - -(_By a strong-minded Married Woman_) - - -Always provide for everything beforehand. As things are sure to turn out -differently from what you have arranged, this will familiarise you with -disappointment. - -Always go back upon a mistake or a misfortune, and so take the -opportunity of proving how much better things would have been if -something had been done that hasn't. - -Never give way in trifles, as there is no saying how soon you may be -called upon to give way in matters of more importance. - -A mistress may talk _at_ her servants, but should never lower herself so -far as to talk _to_ them. - -Never dress for your husband, which will teach him to value you for your -gifts of mind, not your attractions of person. - -Never give expression to your affections, as there is no saying how -soon they may alter, and you may thus be guilty of great inconsistency. - -Never consult the taste of your husband, or he will in time come to look -on his house as a club, where all is comfort and self-indulgence. - - * * * * * - -TO AN OLD FLAME--(TWENTY YEARS AFTER) - - A little girl, a charming tiny tot, - I well remember you with many a curl, - Although I recollect you said "I'm not - A _little_ girl." - - We parted. Mid the worry and the whirl - Of life, again, alas! I saw you not. - I kept you in my memory as a pearl - Of winsome childhood. So imagine what - A shock it was this morning to unfurl - My morning paper, there to see you've got - A little girl! - - * * * * * - -THE POET AND HIS LOVE--(A LAPSUS LINGUÆ.)--_He._ "I see that you wear -brown boots, sweetheart--a sign of the falling of the year." _She._ -"Yes, it is in concord with the decadence of the leaf." _He._ "Say -rather of the cutting of the corn." (_And then the match was broken off -through no fault of his._) - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A SAFE MORTGAGE - -_Angelina._ "Edwin, promise me you'll never describe me as your -'relict.'" - -_Edwin._ "Dearest, I never will! I'd die sooner!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: - -_Brown_ (_who has been dining at the club with Jones_). "Just come in a -minute, old fellow, and have a night-cap." - -_Jones_. "I'm afraid it's getting a little late. Let's see, how's the -enemy." - -_Brown_. "Oh! that's all right. _She's_ in bed."] - - * * * * * - -THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--"Well, but if you can't bear -her, whatever made you propose?" "Well, we had danced three dances, and -I couldn't think of anything else to say!" - - * * * * * - -THE FIN DE SIÈCLE SUITOR. - - I love you in an all-absorbing, fond, unselfish way, - I dream of you the long night thro', I think of you each day, - Whene'er I hear your voice, my dear, a spell o'er me is cast, - The rapture of your presence is (I'm certain) bound to last. - - On you I'll pour the loving store and treasures of my heart, - With riches of an earthly kind I am more loth to part, - I'll sing your praise in loving ways, for are you not my queen? - You'll find the verses published in our local magazine. - - So deep is my affection I would joyfully propose, - But for one great objection, which now I will disclose, - Intense is your suspense, so I'll endeavour to be short, - The fact is, that _a husband you're not able to support_. - - * * * * * - -NEW DISH FOR A WEDDING BREAKFAST.--Curried favour. - - * * * * * - -THE BEST CURE FOR THE HEARTBURN.--Marriage. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: - -_Young Bride._ "Do you let your husband have a latchkey, Mrs. Jones?" - -_Mrs. Jones._ "No, my dear; it would be useless. I give it to the -milkman!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PROGNOSTICATION - -When Mrs. Tubbles awoke (she sleeps very soundly), the morning after -that farmers' dinner, she found John by her side with his boots on and -the umbrella open! His explanation was that, besides being very tired, -he perhaps "fansh'd there wash 'shtorm comin' on!" - - [It came! - -] - - * * * * * - -A HUSBAND'S LAMENT - -AIR--"_I once had a sweet little Doll, dears._" (_Kingsley's words, set -by A. Cecil._) - - I once saw a sweet pretty face, boys: - Its beauty and grace were divine. - And I felt what a swell I should be, boys, - Could I boast that such charms were all mine! - I wooed. Every man I cut out, boys, - At my head deep anathemas hurled:-- - But I said as I walked back from church, boys, - "I'm the luckiest dog in the world!" - - As doves in a cot we began, boys, - A cosy and orthodox pair: - Till I found at my notable wife, boys, - The world was beginning to stare. - She liked it. At first, so did I, boys, - But, at length, when all over the place - She was sketched, hunted, photo'd and mobbed, boys, - I cried, "Hang her sweet pretty face!" - - Still, we went here and there,--right and left, boys;-- - We were asked dozens deep,--I say "we," - Though wherever I went not a soul, boys, - Could have pointed out Adam from me. - But we had a rare social success, boys, - Got mixed with the noble and great, - Till one's friends, who say kind and nice things, boys, - Talked of me as "the man come to wait!" - - So, I've no more a sweet pretty wife, boys;-- - For the one that I once hoped to own, - Belongs, as I've found to my cost, boys, - To the great British public alone. - So until they've got tired of her face, boys, - And a rival, more touzled or curled, - Drives her home to her own proper place, boys-- - I'm the dullest dull dog in the world! - - * * * * * - -A SURE AID TO MATRIMONY.--Propingpongquity. - - * * * * * - -FROM "PUNCH'S SYNONYMS."--The Limited Male: a husband. - - * * * * * - -A VERY-MUCH MARRIED MAN.--The "hub" of the universe. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Miss Giddie._ "It's awfully sweet of you, Mr. -Cunius--(_coquettish pause_)--_Impey_, to ask me to marry you. Of -course, I know you love me; but I hope that people won't say that you -married me for my money!" - -_Mr. Impey Cunius (in a state of utter collapse after an elaborately -forced proposal)._ "My dear, Miss Giddie--er--_Flossie_, I assure you -that _I_ shall never mention it!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "FOR THE THIRD TIME OF ASKING" - -_Aunt Mary._ "You heard the vicar publish the banns between Uncle George -and Ellen Thompson?" - -_Ethel (who has never been present at this ceremony before)._ "Yes--it -seems rather a shame to tell everybody how often he'd been refused, -though!"] - - * * * * * - -LOVE AND COURTSHIP - -(_As they appear from certain Answers to Correspondents_) - -VANITAS.--You are not bound to tell him. If the bright golden colour of -your naturally dark hair is due to the excellent preparation recommended -in another column, and he tells you he does not admire dark girls, why -not keep on? The bottles are really quite cheap at nineteen and eleven. -Of course, if it weighs upon your conscience, you might give him a hint, -but he will probably talk about deceit, and behave in the brutally -outspoken male manner so many readers complain of. - -AMELIA.--Have you not been rather indiscreet? You should never let him -see you cry before you are married. Afterwards it has its uses. - -BLANCHE AMORY.--Cheer up. As you very cleverly put it, history does -repeat itself. You are now once more in a position to undertake a -further instalment of _Mes Larmes_. No. We are overstocked with poetry. -The man, of course, is beneath contempt. - -TWO STRINGS.--Your _fiancé_ must be a perfect _Othello_. It is, as you -justly remark, monstrous that he should object to your cousin seven -times removed taking you to the theatre once or twice a week. Of course -he is a relative. - -SWEET-AND-TWENTY.--Your remarks about tastes in common are perfectly -correct. So long as you both collect postcards you will always be able -to give pleasure to each other at a distance. - -BUSINESS GIRL.--If you have found out that he only gave twenty-five -pounds for your engagement ring, it may be, as you shrewdly observe, -that he has a contract with the tradesman for a periodical supply of -such articles. The fact that his income is under a hundred a year makes -it only the more probable that he would adopt such an arrangement for -economy's sake. Be very careful. - -PITTI-SING.--Your only course is to box his ears. Let us know how you -get on. - -BELLONA.--Sorry to disappoint you, but this is not the place to describe -the undress uniform of the Grenadier Guards. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: H'M! - -_Stern Father._ "What an unearthly hour that young fellow stops till -every night, Doris. What does your mother say about it?" - -_Daughter._ "She says men haven't altered a bit, pa."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE BABES IN THE WOOD - -_Ernest._ "I see you are getting on, foreman." - -_Foreman._ "Yes, sir; we shall have the walls plastered to-morrow." - -_Agatha._ "Oh, Ernest, don't let's have plaster! You never see it now; -everybody has wall-papers, and you can get lovely ones quite cheap!"] - - * * * * * - -MY NEIGHBOUR - - Next door the summer roses bloom - And breathe their hearts out day by day - To please a gentle gardener whom - 'Twere happiness to thus obey: - For her each rose a fragrance gives - That roses grudge to common labour, - And there, next door, among them lives - My neighbour. - - I watch her in her garden fair, - And think what joy my life would bless - Could she and I but wander there, - A shepherd and a shepherdess, - As blithe as those of ancient myth - That danced and sang to pipe and tabor: - Who would not thus be happy with - My neighbour? - - Blue eyes, and hair of sunny brown, - A form of such exceeding grace, - And features in whose smile and frown - Such tender beauty I can trace - That here to sketch her free from flaw - Defies the pencil of a Faber, - And yet I yearn so much to draw - My neighbour! - - I'm keeping one commandment--an - Epitome of all the ten-- - So if I, when my life began, - Was born in sin like other men, - To innocence that shames the dove, - I've mellowed since I was a babe, or - How could I so devoutly love - My neighbour? - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _First Young Wife._ "Do you find it more economical, -dear, to do your own cooking?" - -_Second Young Wife._ "Oh, certainly. My husband doesn't eat half so much -as he did!"] - - * * * * * - -THE SNUB CONNUBIAL.--_Loving Wife._ "Charles, dear, I wish you would put -down that horrid novel and talk to me; I feel so dull; and--oh, Charles! -my foot's asleep----" _Charles._ "Hush--sh! my dear, you might wake it!" - - * * * * * - -THE OLDEST AND THE SHORTEST DRAMA IN THE WORLD.--_He._ "Will you?" -_She._ "Oh! I do not know!" (_Which "know" meant that she said "yes._") - - * * * * * - -ADVICE TO GIRL GRADUATES - -(_After Charles Kingsley--at a respectful distance_) - - Dress well, sweet maid, and let who will be _clever_. - Dance, flirt, and sing! - Don't study all day long. - Or else you'll find, - When other girls get married, - You'll sing a different song! - - * * * * * - -FAULTS ON BOTH SIDES.--Man and wife are like a pair of scissors, so long -as they are together, but they become daggers so soon as they are -disunited. - - * * * * * - -PARTNERSHIP WITHOUT LIMITED LIABILITY.--Marriage. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: BRUTES! - -_Jones._ "Did you ever see a volcano in course of eruption?" - -_Smith._ "No--but once I remember I came home very late from the club, -and my wife----" - - [_They understand one another_ - -] - - * * * * * - -READING BETWEEN THE MARRIAGE LINES - -(_By a Recent Victim_) - -[Illustration: A MAN OF MANY WOES] - -One of the first troubles to be faced by the young wife is the -difficulty of getting servants. It will be found that a cook is almost -indispensable. Rather than be without one, take time by the forelock -and, during the engagement, try the following advertisement (one is -bound to offer additional attractions nowadays):--"Wanted, at once, a -good plain cook. If necessary, _advertiser would be willing to make her -a bridesmaid_. Must be able to wear blue." - - * * * - -Or again:--"Newly married couple require cook and parlour maid. _All -china, glass, &c., in house new and unused and never been broken -before._" - - * * * - -In taking a house, remember that it is absolutely necessary to have an -attic--in which to place some of the presents. It is all very well to -say that they can be put in the servants' hall, but it must not be -forgotten that it is now very difficult to keep servants, even under the -most favourable circumstances. - - * * * - -You cannot be too careful in giving instructions for your house -decoration. "In the dining-room I think I would like a dado," I said one -day to the paper-man. The paper-man's face turned almost white at the -suggestion. "You cannot, sir," he said in a hushed voice, "_the dado is -extinct_." Then he explained that persons of taste have friezes -nowadays, both in summer and winter. - - * * * - -To avoid a rush at the end, it will be worth the bride's while to write -out beforehand a large number of letters of thanks for wedding-presents. -The most handy form is, "DEAR ----, We both thank you so very much for -your ---- present." When the present arrives you can fill in the missing -word as circumstances require. On no account leave the blank. - - * * * - -Another happy form is, "DEAR ----, Thank you so much for your charming -and useful present. Please, what is it for?" - - * * * - -But beware of the following form, as some persons do not take it in the -way in which it is meant, "DEAR ----, Many thanks for your present. It -is very good of you to have sent anything." - - * * * - -Nothing looks so solidly generous in the list of presents as the vague -word, Cheque. Many mean people now send as a present a cheque for -ten-and-six. - - * * * - -A novelty at wedding-receptions, and very _chic_, is to have in the -present-room, in place of a detective, a parrot which has been trained -to cry out every now and then, "Put that back! Put that back!" - - * * * - -Another novelty is to have a stall for the sale of duplicate articles. - - * * * * * - -The custom by which the bridegroom, on the night before the wedding, -gives a farewell dinner to his bachelor friends is falling into -desuetude. As a consequence one sees less frequently the -announcement:--"On the ---- instant, by the Rev. Mr. ----, _assisted by_ -the Rev. Mr. ----, &c." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SPORTING EVENT--A RECORD - -SHE WON THE SWEEP!] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: ILLUMINISM - -_The Hon. Muriel._ "Oh yes, I suppose I could get married, if I could -find a man I simply couldn't live without." - -_The Hon. Maude._ "My dear girl, the difficulty is to find a man you can -live _with!_"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: IN LEAP YEAR - -_Hopeless Widower._ "Nothing can mend a broken heart." - -_Hopeful Widow._ "Except re-pairing."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE LAST CONGRATULATION - -_Fair Guest (who, having had a desperate flirtation with the bridegroom -a short time ago, wouldn't be absent from the ceremony on any account)._ -"Well, Algey, it's all over _now_! Aren't you pleased?" - - [_Uncomfortable position of Algey._ - -] - - * * * * * - -WAIT FOR AGE. - - _Seventeen._ "_Is_ marriage a failure? I _should_ like to know!" - _Seven-and-Twenty._ "My dear, when as long as myself you have - tarried, - You will not need much demonstration to show - That the only true failure is--not getting married!" - - * * * * * - -FEMALE DEFINITION OF LEAP YEAR.--Miss Understood. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A PLEASANT PROSPECT - -_Miss Kitty Candour (who has just accepted dear Reggie, and is now -taking him fully into her confidence)._ "I must tell you, Reggie dear, -that the great fault of my character is that after I have taken any -resolution--it doesn't matter what it may be--I always bitterly repent -it!"] - - * * * * * - -EVOLUTION - - She sketched a husband strong and brave - On whom her heart might lean; - None but a hero would she have-- - This girl of 17. - - Her fancy subsequently turned - From deeds of derring do; - For brainy intercourse she yearned - When she was 22. - - The years sped on, ambition taught - A worldly-wise design; - A man of wealth was what she sought - When she was 29. - - But Time has modified her plan; - Weak, imbecile, or poor-- - She's simply looking for a _man_ - Now she is 34. - - * * * * * - -OUR VILLAGE INDUSTRIAL COMPETITION.--_Husband (just home from the -City)._ "My angel!--crying!--whatever's the matter?" _Wife._ -"They've--awarded me--prize medal"--_(sobbing)_--"f' my sponge cake!" -_Husband (soothingly)._ "And I'm quite sure it deserv----" _Wife -(hysterically)._ "Oh--but--'t said--'twas--for the best specimen--o' -concrete!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "FOR THIS RELIEF----?" - -"I'm sorry to hear your wife is suffering from her throat. I hope it's -nothing serious?" - -"No, I don't think so. The doctor's forbidden her to talk much. It'll -trouble her a good deal, I expect, and she won't be herself for some -time."] - - * * * * * - -AN ENGAGEMENT - -(_A Page from a Diary_) - -_Monday._--Delightful news! My sister Nellie is engaged to be married! -It came upon us all as a great surprise. I never had the slightest -suspicion that Nellie cared twopence about old Goodbody St. Leger. He is -such a staid, solemn old party, a regular fossilised bachelor we all -thought. Not at all the sort of man to give way to emotions or to be in -love. However, it's a capital match for Nellie as St. Leger's firm are -about the largest accountants in the city. My wife thinks it will be a -good thing in another way, too, as my other six sisters may now have a -chance of going off. It seems that when once this kind of epidemic gets -into a family, all the unmarried sisters go popping off like blazes one -after another. Called with my wife this afternoon to congratulate -Nellie. Rather a trial for the poor girl, as all sorts of female -relatives had called full of enthusiasm and congratulations. Goodbody -was there (Nellie calls him "Goodie") and seemed rather overwhelmed. - -He went away early and didn't kiss Nellie. I thought this funny, and -chaffed Nellie about it afterwards. She said she'd soon make that all -right. - -_Tuesday._--Goodbody is getting on. We had a family dinner at home -to-night. He came rather late and entered the drawing-room with an air -of great determination, marched straight up to Nellie and kissed her -violently. It was splendidly done and we all felt inclined to cheer. He -kissed her again when he went away, and lingered so long in saying -good-night to my mother that we all thought he was going to kiss her -too. But he didn't. My wife said that the suspense of those moments was -dreadful. - -_Wednesday._--He has kissed my mother--on both cheeks. I must say the -old lady took it extraordinarily well, though she was not in the very -least prepared for it. It happened at five o'clock tea, in an interval -of complete silence, and those two sounding smacks simply reverberated -through the room. Mother was quite cheerful afterwards, and spoke to -Nellie about the trousseau in her usual calm and collected frame of -mind. Still I can see that the incident has made a deep impression upon -her. My wife told Maggie it would be her turn next. - -_Thursday._--It _has_ been Maggie's turn. Goodbody called at home on his -way from the City, and set to work as soon as he got into the -drawing-room. He first kissed Nellie, then repeated the performance with -my poor mother, and, finding that Maggie was close behind him, he kissed -her on the forehead. Where will this end? - -_Friday._--He has regularly broken loose. He dined at home to-day, and, -without a word of warning, kissed the whole family--my mother, Nellie, -Maggie, Alice, Mabel, Polly, Maud, and little Beta. He quite forgot he -had begun with my mother, and, after he had kissed Beta, got confused, -and began all over again. At this moment my wife and I came in with Aunt -Catherine, whom we had brought in our carriage. Both my wife and Aunt -Catherine tried to escape, but it was no good. He kissed them both, and -was just advancing towards me, when the butler fortunately announced -dinner. Matters are getting quite desperate, and we none of us know what -ought to be done. Aunt Catherine had a violent fit of hysterics in the -spare bedroom after dinner. - -_Saturday._--The engagement is broken off. A great relief. It has been a -lesson for all of us. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE RETORT DISCOURTEOUS - -_She._ "Ah, it was very different before we were married. Then my word -was _law!_" - -_He._ "And a very vulgar word, too, my dear."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SO CONVENIENT! - -_Young Wife._ "Where are you going, Reggie dear?" - -_Reggie Dear._ "Only to the club, my darling." - -_Young Wife._ "Oh, I don't mind that, because there's a telephone there, -and I can talk to you through it, can't I?" - -_Reggie Dear._ "Y-yes--but--er--you know, the confounded wires are -always getting out of order!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PAST AND PRESENT - -_Serious and much-Married Man._ "My dear friend, I _was_ astonished to -hear of _your_ dining at Madame Troisétoiles!--a 'woman with a past,' -you know!" - -_The Friend (bachelor "unattached")._ "Well, you see, old man, she's got -a first-rate _chef_, so it isn't her 'past,' but her 're-past' that _I_ -care about."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "Good-bye, Alfred darling. You _have_ cheered me up. If I -get lonely and depressed again, I'll just look at your dear -photo--that's sure to make me laugh, and laugh, and laugh!"] - - * * * * * - -_She._ "I told you that your old aunt had a will of her own." - -_He (tired of waiting)._ "I know she has. I only wish she'd enable us to -probate it!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "That's Mrs. Fitz-Jones. You never see her without her -husband and her Dachshund." - -"Well, they make a very good pair."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A FAIR AVERAGE - -_Visitor._ "Lady Evelyn tells me, Dan'l, that you have had four wives." - -_Dan'l (proudly)._ "Ess, zur, I 'ave--an' what's more, _two of 'em was -good 'uns!_"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Adolphus (penitently)._ "So sorry, dearest, that I was -angry with you yesterday evening, and lost my temper." - -_Olivia._ "Pray don't mention it, Dolly. It wasn't a very good one, and -I'm sure you can easily find a better."] - - * * * * * - -DROP BY DROP - -_Nine Stages of a Love Story_ - - First place, I dropped my eye on her, - And she dropped hers, so blushfully! - Then I "dropped in,"--her sire sold fur,-- - Then "dropped a line," most gushfully. - I dropped a deal of ready cash - On her and her relations, - Then dropped some hints--that course proved rash-- - About her "expectations." - She dropped on me, daring to ask - _Such_ questions. Here I stopped her. - Her--bankrupt--sire then dropped the mask, - And I--well then, I dropped her! - - * * * * * - -DEFINITIONS.--Mater: One who finds _mates_ for her daughters. Check -Mate: A husband with money. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "THE MISSIS" WOULD OBLIGE - -_Philanthropist._ "I'm sorry to see you in this condition, Parker. I'm -afraid you'll miss the lecture to-night." - -_Parker._ "Oh no, I shan't. I'm goin'--shtraightome."] - - * * * * * - -A YOUNG HUSBAND'S LAMENT - - Oh, I am weary, weary, - Of that pretty pinky face, - Of the blank of its no meaning, - The gush of its grimace. - - And I am weary, weary, - Of her silly, simpering ways, - Bugles, buckles, buttons, spangles, - Tight tiebacks, tighter stays. - - And I am weary, weary, - Of that hollow little laugh, - Of the slang that stands for humour, - Of the chatter and the chaff. - - Sick of the inch-deep feeling - Of that hollow little heart, - Its "too lovely" latest fashions, - Its "too exquisite" high Art. - - Its Church high, higher, highest, - Their curates and their clothes, - Their intonings, genuflections, - Masqueradings, mops and mows. - - But I must curb my temper, - Grumbling helps not wedlock's ills. - Fashion, High Church, or Æsthetics, - Let me grin and pay the bills! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: FOREWARNED - -_Claude Merridew, leaderette-writer, reviewer, &c. (sentimentally)._ -"Whenever I think of Althæa, Miss Vansittart I mean, I am irresistibly -reminded of those matchless words of Steele's--'To love her was a -liberal education.'" - -_Algy (following the idea with difficulty)._ "That's all right, old man, -that's all right, 'course I know a lot of you writin' chaps are like -that, but I think I ought to tell you that her father is one of the head -johnnies in the Primrose League."] - - * * * * * - -THE EDUCATION OF HUSBANDS - -How suggestive is the new year of bills; and bills of housekeeping. It -is fearful to reflect how many persons rush into matrimony, totally -unprepared for the awful change that awaits them. A man may take a wife -at twenty-one, before he knows the difference between a chip and a -Leghorn! We would no more grant a marriage licence to anybody simply -because he is of age, than a licence, on that ground only, to practise -as an apothecary. Husbands ought to be educated. We should like to have -the following questions put to young and inexperienced "Persons about -to Marry:"-- - -Are you aware, sir, of the price of coals and candles? - -Do you know which is more economical, the aitch-bone, or the round? - -How far, young man, will a leg of mutton go in a small family? - -How much dearer, now, is silver than Britannia? - -Please to give the average price of a four-poster. - -Declare, if you can, rash youth, the sum, per annum, that chemisettes, -pelerines, cardinals, bonnets, veils, caps, ribbons, flowers, gloves, -cuffs, and collars, would probably come to in the lump. - -If unable to answer these inquiries, we would say to him, "Go back to -school." - -He that would be a husband should also undergo a training, physical and -moral. He should be further examined thus:-- - -Can you read or write amid the yells of a nursery? - -Can you wait any given time for breakfast? - -Can you maintain your serenity during a washing-day? - -Can you cut your old friends? - -Can you stand being contradicted in the face of all reason? - -Can you keep your temper when you are not listened to? - -Can you do what you are told without being told why? - -In a word, young sir, have you the patience of Job? - -If you can lay your hand upon your heart and answer "Yes," take your -licence and marry--not else. - - * * * * * - -TO POLICEMEN ABOUT TO MARRY.--When you are about to marry, visit as many -cooks as you can, so as to give you the widest possible area for your -choice. Avoid housemaids, whose occupation does not admit of the -accumulation of much dust to come down with; and remember that there is -nothing like kitchen-stuff for greasing the wheel of fortune. When -married, a policeman will be justified in living above his station--if -he can get a room there for nothing. - - * * * * * - -LINES TO MY LADY-LOVE - -(_By a Commonplace Person_) - - To thee, were I a humble bee, - I'd hourly wing my honeyed flight; - To thee, were I a ship at sea, - I'd sail, tho' land were in my sight: - To thee, were I a pussy cat, - I'd spring, as tho' 'twere on a rat! - - To thee, were I a stickleback - I'd swim as fast as fins could move; - To thee, were I a hunter's hack, - I'd gallop on the hoofs of love: - But as I'm but a simple man, - I'll come by train, love--if I can! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _He._ "Are you still living at the same address in town, -Mrs. Jones?" - -_She._ "Yes. But since I've become a widow, I've been looking for -another flat!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Miss Short._ "Isn't my name an absurd misfit, Mr. Long?" - -_Mr. Long (thoughtlessly)._ "Yes, rather. If you could have mine it -would be all right, wouldn't it?" - -_Miss Short._ "Oh, Mr. Long, this is so sudden!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE ALTERNATIVE - -_The Doctor._ "Well, Mrs. Barnes, I must offer you my congratulations. I -hear you've married again. And have you given up your occupation of -washing?" - -_Mrs. Barnes._ "Oh, no, sir. But, you see, if I 'adn't taken '_e_, I'd -'a' 'ad to 'a' bought a donkey!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "Now, George dear, it's your first birthday in the new -century. What good resolutions are you going to make?" - -"Well, for one thing, I intend to be much more regular in my habits." - -"Why not _give them all up_, dear?"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: FAMILY CARES - -_First Excursionist._ "Int'restin' ruins these, sir." - -_Second Ditto (the bread-winner)._ "'Mye-es. 'Don't care for ruins -m'self though." (_Pointing to his olive branches in the background._) -"Them's ruin enough for me?"] - - * * * * * - -WHOM NOT TO MARRY: - -_Or, Diogenes the Younger_ - -_The Lady with a Mission._--She will fill your house with parsons or -professors, lecture you on her pet hobby when she can get no other -audience (which will be pretty often), consider all your old friends -frivolous, and treat you with supreme contempt if you venture to hint -that you like your dinner punctually, and properly cooked. - -_The Lady of Fashion._--She will regard you as an appendage, a -cheque-drawing animal, a useful purveyor of equipages and dresses and -diamonds and lace, a person to be ignored as much as possible in -Society. - -_The Millionaire's Daughter._--She will persistently make you aware that -it is _her_ house you live in, _her_ carriage you drive, that the -servants are _hers_, the dinners _hers_--that, in fact, she has bought -you, and given for you much more than you are really worth. - -_The Pious-Parochial Lady._--She will devote all her time to the -distribution of tracts, the inspection of cottages, the collection of -gossip, and interviews with the curate. Each curate will be a more -"blessed" man than his predecessor, especially if he have the shifty -eyes, aggressive teeth, narrow forehead, and shambling knees which -modern curatism has developed. - -_The Female Novelist._ She will sit up all night writing improprieties, -and pass all day in town, worrying publishers, who are at present sad -victims of the irrepressible petticoat. - -_The Horsey Woman._ She will laugh at you as a muff if you don't ride -across country, buy "screws" from her particular friends that you will -have to sell for as many tens as she gave hundreds, and cost you a -fortune in doctors' bills by breaking her collar-bone at least once -every season. - -_The Gushing Female._ She will devour you with kisses, to the injury of -your shirt-front, or weep on your bosom, with much the same result. To -her either is equally delightful. - -_The Widow._ Diogenes pauses. The theme is too great for him. _Vide Mr. -Weller, sen._, in _Pickwick, passim._ - - * * * * * - -TRITE BUT TRUE - - "Music's the food of love" they say, - This is a passage every one now quotes; - The truth is clear, for in the present day, - Young love is fed entirely _on notes._ - - * * * * * - -"OUR FAILURES."--_Husband._ "I say, Lizzie, what on earth did you make -this mint-sauce of?" - -_Young Wife (who has been "helping" Cook)._ "Parsley, to be sure!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: APPEARANCES ARE DECEPTIVE - -_He._ "Who's that?" - -_She._ "Jack Anstruther and his bride. He married ever so much beneath -him." - -_He._ "Doesn't look like it!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: BREAKING THE NEWS - -_Newly Affianced One._ "May I be your new mamma, Tommy?" - -_Tommy._ "_I_ should like it, but you must ask papa."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER - -_She._ "But if you say you can't bear the girl, why _ever_ did you -propose?" - -_He._ "Well, her people have always been awfully good to me, and it's -the only way I could return their hospitality."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Ethel._ "Well, Jimmy didn't blow his brains out after -all because you refused him. He proposed to Miss Golightly yesterday." - -_Maud._ "Did he? Then he must have got rid of them in some other way!"] - - * * * * * - -ADVICE TO MATCH-MAKING MAMMAS.--The first and only thing requisite is -simply, as Mrs. Glass very wisely says, "First catch your heir." - - * * * * * - -A HAPPY HOLIDAY.--_The Bachelor._ "So you're looking after the house -while your wife is taking a holiday? I hope she's enjoying the change?" - -_The Benedict._ "I know _I_ am." - - * * * * * - -"CREATURE COMFORTS."--Good wives. - - * * * * * - -HOW TO CURE AN IMPRUDENT ATTACHMENT.--_Materfamilias._ "What _is_ to be -done, my dear? He positively _dotes_ on her!" _Paterfamilias._ "Well, we -must try to find him an _antidote_." - - * * * * * - -DIVORCE.--A matrimonial ticket-of-leave. - - * * * * * - -THE DESIRE OF PLEASING.--"May I be married, ma?" said a lovely girl of -fifteen to her mother the other morning. "Married!" exclaimed the -astonished matron, "what put such an idea into your head?" "Little -Emily, here, has never seen a wedding; and I'd like to amuse the child," -replied the obliging sister, with fascinating _naïveté_. - - * * * * * - -A WOMAN'S WILL.--Won't!!! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "I dunno what 'er misshus 'll shay--but any'ow 'm nor -goin' to preten I'm shober"--(_hic_).] - - * * * * * - -A CONTRADICTION IN TERMS.--Man and wife. - - * * * * * - -AUTOMATIC COUPLINGS.--Scotch marriages. - - * * * * * - -THE FAMILY HERALD.--A monthly nurse. - - * * * * * - -THE WORST RESULT OF VIVISECTION.--Eve. - -(_By an incorrigible Old Bachelor, who is hiding himself for fear of -consequences._) - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: FINIS] - - * * * * * - -BRADBURY. AGNEW & CO. LD. PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Book of Love, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. 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