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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42135 ***
+
+  This etext was produced from Dynamic Science Fiction January 1954.
+  Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright
+  on this publication was renewed.
+
+
+The "Professor" had braved great perils to reach Earth, and believed he
+knew what he was up against. But he hadn't counted on the menace of
+Fatty Schultz and Irv Lece.
+
+
+
+
+  THE UNWILLING
+  PROFESSOR
+
+  by Arthur Porges
+
+  (_illustrated by Milton Luros_)
+
+
+On that fateful afternoon Fatty Schultz and Irv Lece had cut their last
+classes, and were taking a gloomy walk together, scrambling through the
+scrubby brush well behind the athletic field.
+
+There were good reasons for their unhappiness. Fatty was failing in
+Calculus II with a velocity that varied directly as the square of the
+number of lectures attended. Irv's math instructor had informed _him_,
+with a kind of loathing respect, that his only salvation lay in
+recommencing the study of arithmetic--taking five or ten years in the
+process--and then retiring to a cave for perhaps another fifteen in the
+vain hope of digesting, through meditation and prayer, the
+multiplication table. After that, Irv might be ready for elementary
+algebra, but not, the professor hoped to a merciful God, in this
+unfortunate institution of higher learning.
+
+As a matter of fact, the whole of their fraternity, Omega Pi Upsilon
+(usually referred to on campus as "Oh, P-Yu") was in the same boat
+regarding almost every subject offered at Bateman College. Bateman had
+courses that ranged from Aardvark Breeding to Zythum Brewing, but no
+field of knowledge troubled them more than mathematics.
+
+Hence the long face on Irv Lece. Fatty's visage also strove to elongate,
+but simply wasn't built for such an accomplishment. Instead, his piggy
+little eyes, ordinarily glowing with a kind of coarse good-humor, were
+now smouldering with resentment.
+
+They had just seated themselves in a small clearing, where Fatty, after
+setting his calculus text on a grassy mound, began to heave rocks at it,
+when there was a whistling scream, a jarring _whump_, and before their
+bulging eyes a small disc lay crumpled, barely ten yards away.
+
+A shrill creaking came from this odd craft, which looked like a
+manhole-cover some eight feet in diameter and twenty inches thick. Then,
+as they stared in wonder, a badly-sprung port opened crazily, and a
+small rabbit flopped out. It may be stated here that the creature was
+not actually a rabbit, but that any difference between the disc's pilot
+and an ordinary cottontail was imperceptible to the naked eye.
+
+For a moment the rabbit swayed drunkenly, its big eyes cloudy, then it
+hopped towards Fatty, preferring, perhaps, his larger gravitational
+field over Irv's. Extending one snowy paw, it squeaked: "Good afternoon,
+gentlemen. Permit me to introduce myself. I am a good-will ambassador
+from Venus, and by your conventions should be addressed as 'Professor.'
+My name," he added a trifle pompously, "is Iglowt P. Slakmak, and I hold
+degrees comparable to your PhD, LLD, and M. D." All this in a very
+British accent.
+
+Fatty gave a hoarse croak; Irv's knees knocked together.
+
+"Come," the rabbit chirped, "chin up, fellows! There's nothing to be
+afraid of. I speak English because we've been monitoring your radio
+broadcasts for years. Television is a bit trickier, but we've seen a
+few. And by listening to educational programs, I've learned a great deal
+about terrestrial culture, which I notice is based upon cigarettes, used
+cars--but never mind that, now. I must get to Washington and present
+myself. A rival of mine is about to contact Mars for the first time, and
+I hope to send in my report on Earth first." He peered at them
+anxiously. "You do understand me, chaps, don't you? I learned the best
+English from B. B. C., you know."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Seeing that the two boys were still dumb, the rabbit, with a mighty
+effort, picked up the three-pound calculus text, which was bound in a
+revolting green. As he did so, a paper fluttered out, and the professor
+deftly scooped it up. He studied Fatty's messy scrawlings for a moment,
+then said warmly: "Ah, I observe that you chaps are beginning the study
+of elementary mathematics." He shook a paw waggishly. "The limits are
+wrong on this integration: they should go from pi-over-two to
+pi-over-three first, instead of to zero. There's a discontinuity at
+pi-over-three, and your result, that the center of gravity of this
+six-inch cube is nine feet to the right, looks somewhat implausible."
+
+At this, Fatty finally found his voice. "A discontinuity?" he gulped.
+"Whassat?"
+
+"Aw, you know," Irv rebuked him. "Old Cusp's been gassing about 'em for
+days, now."
+
+"Has he? Well, what is it, if you're so smart?"
+
+"I don't remember," Irv said brazenly, "but at least I heard the name
+before."
+
+"At pi-over-three," the rabbit broke in with authority, "the denominator
+of the integrand vanishes. To put it loosely, the function becomes
+infinite."
+
+Fatty looked at Irv; Irv gaped at Fatty. The piggy eyes lit up. "A
+rabbit that knows math!" Fatty breathed.
+
+"Knows it! He wrote the damn book--a real brain!" Irv exulted.
+
+Once again their eyes met meaningly. "You always said," Irv remarked in
+an abstracted manner, "that you could lick the guy who invented calc."
+
+"I sure can," Fatty asserted, "but--" He paused; then with a speed
+surprising in one of his bulk, his thick hands shot out, and Professor
+Slakmak, the eminent Venusian savant, found himself dangling by the ears
+from stubby, freckled fingers. He kicked with a vigor shockingly
+undignified.
+
+"Let me down!" he squeaked furiously. "This is outrageous. A friendly
+ambassador's person is sacred among all civilized peoples; your national
+President shall hear of this insult!"
+
+Fatty looked at him, showing uneven teeth in a loose grin. "Bugs Bunny,"
+he gloated, "you are now the official mascot of Omega Pi Upsilen!"
+
+"I second the motion," Irv said, shuffling in excitement.
+
+"We'd better hide his ship, though," Fatty cried, full of ingenious
+intelligence now that nobody was grading him for it.
+
+"It's too big, ain't it?" Irv replied doubtfully. "Simmer down you!" he
+ordered the writhing professor. "We don't wanna choke you, but--" The
+captive subsided, contenting himself with little quivers of indignation.
+
+"It's awful light," Fatty muttered, shoving the damaged saucer with one
+size eleven shoe. "We'll move it over here, pile a lot of brush on top,
+and--"
+
+"--Start a fire!" Irv interrupted joyously.
+
+The professor gave a piercing squeal of protest.
+
+"No, stupid," Fatty told him, winking. "If the prof here helps us out
+this semester, we'll give him back his old disc, right?"
+
+"Right," Irv agreed, crossing two fingers.
+
+In fifteen minutes, even with Fatty working one-handed, the ship
+vanished under a pile of stiff brush. "That's that," Irv said, taking a
+deep breath. "Now--"
+
+"We can't take him like this," Fatty remarked, swinging the professor by
+his ears and giving him a shake by way of emphasis.
+
+"Why not? We just been rabbit-hunting, that's all."
+
+"Too risky. Even if the professor keeps quiet, some joker from another
+frat might get nosy."
+
+"He'll be quiet," Irv said grimly. "I know how to hit a rabbit on the
+neck with the edge of my hand--" Here the professor began to kick
+frantically, and Fatty snatched his hind legs, holding him rigid from
+ears to toes.
+
+"There's an old cardboard box back there," Fatty said. "That'll do the
+trick."
+
+A few seconds later the sullen captive was stuffed unceremoniously into
+a damp, mouldy container, and the two students returned to the campus,
+their hearts free from mathematical worries.
+
+"The frat will owe us plenty for this," Fatty said darkly. "We've never
+had anybody to coach us in math."
+
+"They'll be licking our boots," Irv agreed. "But they always have, the
+poor dopes!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+That night the professor, poorly refreshed by some wilted carrot tops
+and water, found himself in a circle of eager Omega Pi Upsilon's,
+delivering a detailed lecture--mostly problem-solving--on Section 45 of
+Broota's "Introduction to the Elementary Rudiments of the Differential
+and Integral Calculus."
+
+He was a good teacher, and when either his enthusiasm or expository art
+faltered, Fatty revived it quickly with a sharp pinch or stinging slap.
+So, although the average I. Q. of the fraternity was seventy-six, a
+certain amount of mathematics get through; and it was almost midnight
+before the unhappy ambassador found himself lying in a dirty, fetid
+cage, formerly the residence of the fraternity parrot, who had expired
+for lack of intellegent dialogue to copy. Rabbits, even Venusian ones,
+cannot weep, but the professor's soul was heavy within him.
+
+And so it went, day after day, week after week.
+
+"I am quite amazed," Professor Cusp told a skeptical colleague towards
+the end of the term, "at the remarkable way Schultz and his Oh P-Yu
+bunch have improved. Their homework these last six weeks has been
+excellent."
+
+"Somebody's coaching them--or doing it outright," was the cynical reply.
+"I find no improvement in their zoology."
+
+"No, that's what I suspected at first, but it can't be true. For
+example, on last week's extra credit problem--a real stinker--they
+turned in over a dozen correct solutions, all different. Nobody would go
+to that much trouble for the P-Yu crowd; they're about as popular on
+campus as Malenkov is with the D. A. R."
+
+Another colleague, who had been listening, demanded: "But you won't let
+Fatty Schultz by, will you?"
+
+"I'll have to," Cusp admitted. "Even though his exams are still
+horrible, I give quite a bit of weight to good homework, so--"
+
+"You swine!" the other said sourly. "Now I'll get him."
+
+Cusp laughed. "Ah, but you're supposed to be tough; they're afraid of
+you."
+
+"They'd better be. It's a pity the biology lab has to experiment on poor
+chimps while we give degrees to anthropoids like Fatty!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+That night Fatty told his unwilling mascot the bad news. "I'm sorry,
+Prof," he said genially. "It's only one more term, then I'll be done
+with math, and you can go back to your disc. By my last course is with
+old Totient, and he's rough."
+
+"You promised!" the professor squealed angrily.
+
+"This time I mean it, honest."
+
+"Hey, Fatty," a fraternity brother objected, "ain't you gonna leave the
+prof to our gang? Just cause _you're_ through--" He broke off in
+confusion as Irv kicked his ankle, hard.
+
+"Ignore the jerk," Lece reassured the crestfallen rabbit. "When Fatty
+and I finish our math requirement, you're on your own again. Course,
+you'll have to promise not to tell the President!" Over the professor's
+head he winked broadly at his friends.
+
+"I won't do it! It's a cad's trick!" The rabbit's brown eyes were bright
+with rage.
+
+Fatty pawed his soft fur with one lardy hand. "C'mon, Prof, be a sport,"
+he urged, greasily affectionate. "We like you a lot. You wouldn't let us
+down now."
+
+"I--will--not--do--it! You promised--"
+
+"You will, too!" Irv grunted. "Don't give us any backtalk. If I have to
+twist your ears--"
+
+"Use the cigarette lighter," somebody suggested, half ashamed. "He's
+only bluffing again."
+
+"I'm not," the professor said sturdily. "You can burn me, kill me, but I
+won't tutor this bunch of cretins any more!"
+
+"Where does he get those words?" a student wondered aloud. "What's a
+cretin?"
+
+"Irv," Fatty said in a sly, buttery voice, "where's that nasty pooch who
+adopted the Delts last week? The one that chased the chaplain into Tom
+Paine Hall. I'll bet he's a first class abbitray oundhay."
+
+"Mac," Irv addressed a slender, dark boy, "they keep him in that shed
+by the athletic field. Go and--ah borrow him, will you?" Mac left.
+
+"What's an abbitray oundhay?" the professor quavered.
+
+"You'll find out!" Fatty told him grimly. "Don't they teach pig-latin on
+Venus?"
+
+There was a strained silence, while some members of the group whispered
+protests. But there was no open resistance. Fatty and Irv ran Omega Phi
+Upsilon with an iron hand.
+
+Then the door opened, and Mac, tugging hard at the collar of a large
+dog, lurched into the room. "Here's Hotspur," he grinned, as the brute
+strove to mangle the cowering professor.
+
+Hotspur was a canine melting pot. The Spitz in his ancestry seemed to
+predominate, but there were plain traces of airdale, setter--and
+crowning evidence of some mis-alliance--dachshund. White teeth bared in
+a slavering snarl, the dog glared at the rabbit, lunging against his
+collar as Mac held hard.
+
+But the professor had collapsed, all his courage gone. "A dog!" he
+gasped in horror, and Hotspur seemed startled at the human voice
+emerging from a rabbit. A thin whimper came from the professor. "Take
+that monster away," he begged. "I'll do anything--anything!"
+
+"That's better," Fatty chortled. "But we need this good ol' hound more
+than the Delts do. Put him down in the basement--just in case." He eyed
+the professor, who shrank into a furry, abject heap.
+
+"My new prof, Dr. Totient, is tough," Fatty said. "Bugs Bunny here is
+gonna have plenty to do. We'll clear out now and let him prepare his
+assignments! See that you watch those signs," he jibed, handing out what
+he had so long received. He fastened the rabbit's chain to its stout
+staple in the wall. "Here." He fished an apple core from his jeans, and
+tossed it at the professor, giving him an oily smirk. "Just to show
+there's no hard feeling. Eat hearty!" He stumped out, followed by his
+companions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Gradually it grew dark, and the deserted fraternity-house was quiet.
+Ravenous, the professor finally nerved himself to nibble the apple core,
+which to his sensitive nostrils reeked of Fatty. He had just downed the
+last noisome fragment, when there was a loud, inquisitive sniff at the
+door. He grew rigid. Another sniff and the shoulder thrust of a heavy
+body.
+
+Insecurely shut, the door swung open, and a huge, white form stalked in.
+The professor cringed, moaning a little, the hot alien scent of dog in
+his nose, prepared to meet a terrible death.
+
+"Ssst!" the big mongrel admonished him. "I'm a friend," he rumbled in
+slow, thick English. Trotting over, he took the slender chain in his
+great teeth, and threw his thirty pound body into the wrench. The staple
+pulled free.
+
+"Let's get t'hell out of here," he grunted, "while your bunch is gone."
+
+"B-but my ship," the professor stammered, staring in bewilderment. "It's
+broken down, and those two awful boys will find me before I can fix it."
+
+"Never mind; I'll give you a lift in mine. I'm heading for Washington,
+then I'll have to report back on Mars. I can drop you either place. I
+just got word myself, only a few days ago, that our two planets had
+finally made contact. They asked me to find out where you'd disappeared
+to, but I never dreamed you were here. When I heard you talking
+English--! But we'd better scoot. I've spied out this place long
+enough-- I don't think it's quite representative."
+
+They had just reached the brush behind the library, where the
+professor's passionate story was completed, when Hotspur, looking back,
+saw lights flash in the fraternity house windows.
+
+"Wait here," he said cryptically. "Be right back." He sprang into the
+brush, and vanished. A few moments later, the anxious professor heard
+some yells of agony coming from the campus, and before long Hotspur
+returned, panting.
+
+"I know you'll get a sympathetic hearing in Washington," he gasped; "and
+we Martians abhor violence, but there are times--" He rubbed one paw
+against his mouth. "I didn't like the taste of Irv, but Fatty's even
+worse! I hope," he added viciously, "they have to take Pasteur
+treatments!"
+
+"Me too!" Professor Slakmak agreed cheerfully. "And best of all, they'll
+flunk math--but good! Where's your ship--Pal?"
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+  Transcriber's Note
+
+  Italic text is denoted by _underscores_
+
+  Missing punctuation has been silently supplied.
+
+  No Changes have been made to the following:
+
+  who had expired for lack of intellegent --
+    intellegent is an old correct spelling
+
+  mascot of Omega Pi Upsilen!" --
+    not changed, in other places the spelling is Pi Upsilon!"
+
+
+
+
+  Changes have been made to the following:
+
+  Fatty and Irv ran Omega Ph Upsilon -->
+    Fatty and Irv ran Omega Phi Upsilon
+
+  missing character supplied
+
+
+  "and we Martians abhor voilence -->
+    "and we Martians abhor violence
+
+  spelling error corrected
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Unwilling Professor, by Arthur Porges
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42135 ***