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diff --git a/42135-0.txt b/42135-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2ef0d34 --- /dev/null +++ b/42135-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,405 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42135 *** + + This etext was produced from Dynamic Science Fiction January 1954. + Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright + on this publication was renewed. + + +The "Professor" had braved great perils to reach Earth, and believed he +knew what he was up against. But he hadn't counted on the menace of +Fatty Schultz and Irv Lece. + + + + + THE UNWILLING + PROFESSOR + + by Arthur Porges + + (_illustrated by Milton Luros_) + + +On that fateful afternoon Fatty Schultz and Irv Lece had cut their last +classes, and were taking a gloomy walk together, scrambling through the +scrubby brush well behind the athletic field. + +There were good reasons for their unhappiness. Fatty was failing in +Calculus II with a velocity that varied directly as the square of the +number of lectures attended. Irv's math instructor had informed _him_, +with a kind of loathing respect, that his only salvation lay in +recommencing the study of arithmetic--taking five or ten years in the +process--and then retiring to a cave for perhaps another fifteen in the +vain hope of digesting, through meditation and prayer, the +multiplication table. After that, Irv might be ready for elementary +algebra, but not, the professor hoped to a merciful God, in this +unfortunate institution of higher learning. + +As a matter of fact, the whole of their fraternity, Omega Pi Upsilon +(usually referred to on campus as "Oh, P-Yu") was in the same boat +regarding almost every subject offered at Bateman College. Bateman had +courses that ranged from Aardvark Breeding to Zythum Brewing, but no +field of knowledge troubled them more than mathematics. + +Hence the long face on Irv Lece. Fatty's visage also strove to elongate, +but simply wasn't built for such an accomplishment. Instead, his piggy +little eyes, ordinarily glowing with a kind of coarse good-humor, were +now smouldering with resentment. + +They had just seated themselves in a small clearing, where Fatty, after +setting his calculus text on a grassy mound, began to heave rocks at it, +when there was a whistling scream, a jarring _whump_, and before their +bulging eyes a small disc lay crumpled, barely ten yards away. + +A shrill creaking came from this odd craft, which looked like a +manhole-cover some eight feet in diameter and twenty inches thick. Then, +as they stared in wonder, a badly-sprung port opened crazily, and a +small rabbit flopped out. It may be stated here that the creature was +not actually a rabbit, but that any difference between the disc's pilot +and an ordinary cottontail was imperceptible to the naked eye. + +For a moment the rabbit swayed drunkenly, its big eyes cloudy, then it +hopped towards Fatty, preferring, perhaps, his larger gravitational +field over Irv's. Extending one snowy paw, it squeaked: "Good afternoon, +gentlemen. Permit me to introduce myself. I am a good-will ambassador +from Venus, and by your conventions should be addressed as 'Professor.' +My name," he added a trifle pompously, "is Iglowt P. Slakmak, and I hold +degrees comparable to your PhD, LLD, and M. D." All this in a very +British accent. + +Fatty gave a hoarse croak; Irv's knees knocked together. + +"Come," the rabbit chirped, "chin up, fellows! There's nothing to be +afraid of. I speak English because we've been monitoring your radio +broadcasts for years. Television is a bit trickier, but we've seen a +few. And by listening to educational programs, I've learned a great deal +about terrestrial culture, which I notice is based upon cigarettes, used +cars--but never mind that, now. I must get to Washington and present +myself. A rival of mine is about to contact Mars for the first time, and +I hope to send in my report on Earth first." He peered at them +anxiously. "You do understand me, chaps, don't you? I learned the best +English from B. B. C., you know." + + * * * * * + +Seeing that the two boys were still dumb, the rabbit, with a mighty +effort, picked up the three-pound calculus text, which was bound in a +revolting green. As he did so, a paper fluttered out, and the professor +deftly scooped it up. He studied Fatty's messy scrawlings for a moment, +then said warmly: "Ah, I observe that you chaps are beginning the study +of elementary mathematics." He shook a paw waggishly. "The limits are +wrong on this integration: they should go from pi-over-two to +pi-over-three first, instead of to zero. There's a discontinuity at +pi-over-three, and your result, that the center of gravity of this +six-inch cube is nine feet to the right, looks somewhat implausible." + +At this, Fatty finally found his voice. "A discontinuity?" he gulped. +"Whassat?" + +"Aw, you know," Irv rebuked him. "Old Cusp's been gassing about 'em for +days, now." + +"Has he? Well, what is it, if you're so smart?" + +"I don't remember," Irv said brazenly, "but at least I heard the name +before." + +"At pi-over-three," the rabbit broke in with authority, "the denominator +of the integrand vanishes. To put it loosely, the function becomes +infinite." + +Fatty looked at Irv; Irv gaped at Fatty. The piggy eyes lit up. "A +rabbit that knows math!" Fatty breathed. + +"Knows it! He wrote the damn book--a real brain!" Irv exulted. + +Once again their eyes met meaningly. "You always said," Irv remarked in +an abstracted manner, "that you could lick the guy who invented calc." + +"I sure can," Fatty asserted, "but--" He paused; then with a speed +surprising in one of his bulk, his thick hands shot out, and Professor +Slakmak, the eminent Venusian savant, found himself dangling by the ears +from stubby, freckled fingers. He kicked with a vigor shockingly +undignified. + +"Let me down!" he squeaked furiously. "This is outrageous. A friendly +ambassador's person is sacred among all civilized peoples; your national +President shall hear of this insult!" + +Fatty looked at him, showing uneven teeth in a loose grin. "Bugs Bunny," +he gloated, "you are now the official mascot of Omega Pi Upsilen!" + +"I second the motion," Irv said, shuffling in excitement. + +"We'd better hide his ship, though," Fatty cried, full of ingenious +intelligence now that nobody was grading him for it. + +"It's too big, ain't it?" Irv replied doubtfully. "Simmer down you!" he +ordered the writhing professor. "We don't wanna choke you, but--" The +captive subsided, contenting himself with little quivers of indignation. + +"It's awful light," Fatty muttered, shoving the damaged saucer with one +size eleven shoe. "We'll move it over here, pile a lot of brush on top, +and--" + +"--Start a fire!" Irv interrupted joyously. + +The professor gave a piercing squeal of protest. + +"No, stupid," Fatty told him, winking. "If the prof here helps us out +this semester, we'll give him back his old disc, right?" + +"Right," Irv agreed, crossing two fingers. + +In fifteen minutes, even with Fatty working one-handed, the ship +vanished under a pile of stiff brush. "That's that," Irv said, taking a +deep breath. "Now--" + +"We can't take him like this," Fatty remarked, swinging the professor by +his ears and giving him a shake by way of emphasis. + +"Why not? We just been rabbit-hunting, that's all." + +"Too risky. Even if the professor keeps quiet, some joker from another +frat might get nosy." + +"He'll be quiet," Irv said grimly. "I know how to hit a rabbit on the +neck with the edge of my hand--" Here the professor began to kick +frantically, and Fatty snatched his hind legs, holding him rigid from +ears to toes. + +"There's an old cardboard box back there," Fatty said. "That'll do the +trick." + +A few seconds later the sullen captive was stuffed unceremoniously into +a damp, mouldy container, and the two students returned to the campus, +their hearts free from mathematical worries. + +"The frat will owe us plenty for this," Fatty said darkly. "We've never +had anybody to coach us in math." + +"They'll be licking our boots," Irv agreed. "But they always have, the +poor dopes!" + + * * * * * + +That night the professor, poorly refreshed by some wilted carrot tops +and water, found himself in a circle of eager Omega Pi Upsilon's, +delivering a detailed lecture--mostly problem-solving--on Section 45 of +Broota's "Introduction to the Elementary Rudiments of the Differential +and Integral Calculus." + +He was a good teacher, and when either his enthusiasm or expository art +faltered, Fatty revived it quickly with a sharp pinch or stinging slap. +So, although the average I. Q. of the fraternity was seventy-six, a +certain amount of mathematics get through; and it was almost midnight +before the unhappy ambassador found himself lying in a dirty, fetid +cage, formerly the residence of the fraternity parrot, who had expired +for lack of intellegent dialogue to copy. Rabbits, even Venusian ones, +cannot weep, but the professor's soul was heavy within him. + +And so it went, day after day, week after week. + +"I am quite amazed," Professor Cusp told a skeptical colleague towards +the end of the term, "at the remarkable way Schultz and his Oh P-Yu +bunch have improved. Their homework these last six weeks has been +excellent." + +"Somebody's coaching them--or doing it outright," was the cynical reply. +"I find no improvement in their zoology." + +"No, that's what I suspected at first, but it can't be true. For +example, on last week's extra credit problem--a real stinker--they +turned in over a dozen correct solutions, all different. Nobody would go +to that much trouble for the P-Yu crowd; they're about as popular on +campus as Malenkov is with the D. A. R." + +Another colleague, who had been listening, demanded: "But you won't let +Fatty Schultz by, will you?" + +"I'll have to," Cusp admitted. "Even though his exams are still +horrible, I give quite a bit of weight to good homework, so--" + +"You swine!" the other said sourly. "Now I'll get him." + +Cusp laughed. "Ah, but you're supposed to be tough; they're afraid of +you." + +"They'd better be. It's a pity the biology lab has to experiment on poor +chimps while we give degrees to anthropoids like Fatty!" + + * * * * * + +That night Fatty told his unwilling mascot the bad news. "I'm sorry, +Prof," he said genially. "It's only one more term, then I'll be done +with math, and you can go back to your disc. By my last course is with +old Totient, and he's rough." + +"You promised!" the professor squealed angrily. + +"This time I mean it, honest." + +"Hey, Fatty," a fraternity brother objected, "ain't you gonna leave the +prof to our gang? Just cause _you're_ through--" He broke off in +confusion as Irv kicked his ankle, hard. + +"Ignore the jerk," Lece reassured the crestfallen rabbit. "When Fatty +and I finish our math requirement, you're on your own again. Course, +you'll have to promise not to tell the President!" Over the professor's +head he winked broadly at his friends. + +"I won't do it! It's a cad's trick!" The rabbit's brown eyes were bright +with rage. + +Fatty pawed his soft fur with one lardy hand. "C'mon, Prof, be a sport," +he urged, greasily affectionate. "We like you a lot. You wouldn't let us +down now." + +"I--will--not--do--it! You promised--" + +"You will, too!" Irv grunted. "Don't give us any backtalk. If I have to +twist your ears--" + +"Use the cigarette lighter," somebody suggested, half ashamed. "He's +only bluffing again." + +"I'm not," the professor said sturdily. "You can burn me, kill me, but I +won't tutor this bunch of cretins any more!" + +"Where does he get those words?" a student wondered aloud. "What's a +cretin?" + +"Irv," Fatty said in a sly, buttery voice, "where's that nasty pooch who +adopted the Delts last week? The one that chased the chaplain into Tom +Paine Hall. I'll bet he's a first class abbitray oundhay." + +"Mac," Irv addressed a slender, dark boy, "they keep him in that shed +by the athletic field. Go and--ah borrow him, will you?" Mac left. + +"What's an abbitray oundhay?" the professor quavered. + +"You'll find out!" Fatty told him grimly. "Don't they teach pig-latin on +Venus?" + +There was a strained silence, while some members of the group whispered +protests. But there was no open resistance. Fatty and Irv ran Omega Phi +Upsilon with an iron hand. + +Then the door opened, and Mac, tugging hard at the collar of a large +dog, lurched into the room. "Here's Hotspur," he grinned, as the brute +strove to mangle the cowering professor. + +Hotspur was a canine melting pot. The Spitz in his ancestry seemed to +predominate, but there were plain traces of airdale, setter--and +crowning evidence of some mis-alliance--dachshund. White teeth bared in +a slavering snarl, the dog glared at the rabbit, lunging against his +collar as Mac held hard. + +But the professor had collapsed, all his courage gone. "A dog!" he +gasped in horror, and Hotspur seemed startled at the human voice +emerging from a rabbit. A thin whimper came from the professor. "Take +that monster away," he begged. "I'll do anything--anything!" + +"That's better," Fatty chortled. "But we need this good ol' hound more +than the Delts do. Put him down in the basement--just in case." He eyed +the professor, who shrank into a furry, abject heap. + +"My new prof, Dr. Totient, is tough," Fatty said. "Bugs Bunny here is +gonna have plenty to do. We'll clear out now and let him prepare his +assignments! See that you watch those signs," he jibed, handing out what +he had so long received. He fastened the rabbit's chain to its stout +staple in the wall. "Here." He fished an apple core from his jeans, and +tossed it at the professor, giving him an oily smirk. "Just to show +there's no hard feeling. Eat hearty!" He stumped out, followed by his +companions. + + * * * * * + +Gradually it grew dark, and the deserted fraternity-house was quiet. +Ravenous, the professor finally nerved himself to nibble the apple core, +which to his sensitive nostrils reeked of Fatty. He had just downed the +last noisome fragment, when there was a loud, inquisitive sniff at the +door. He grew rigid. Another sniff and the shoulder thrust of a heavy +body. + +Insecurely shut, the door swung open, and a huge, white form stalked in. +The professor cringed, moaning a little, the hot alien scent of dog in +his nose, prepared to meet a terrible death. + +"Ssst!" the big mongrel admonished him. "I'm a friend," he rumbled in +slow, thick English. Trotting over, he took the slender chain in his +great teeth, and threw his thirty pound body into the wrench. The staple +pulled free. + +"Let's get t'hell out of here," he grunted, "while your bunch is gone." + +"B-but my ship," the professor stammered, staring in bewilderment. "It's +broken down, and those two awful boys will find me before I can fix it." + +"Never mind; I'll give you a lift in mine. I'm heading for Washington, +then I'll have to report back on Mars. I can drop you either place. I +just got word myself, only a few days ago, that our two planets had +finally made contact. They asked me to find out where you'd disappeared +to, but I never dreamed you were here. When I heard you talking +English--! But we'd better scoot. I've spied out this place long +enough-- I don't think it's quite representative." + +They had just reached the brush behind the library, where the +professor's passionate story was completed, when Hotspur, looking back, +saw lights flash in the fraternity house windows. + +"Wait here," he said cryptically. "Be right back." He sprang into the +brush, and vanished. A few moments later, the anxious professor heard +some yells of agony coming from the campus, and before long Hotspur +returned, panting. + +"I know you'll get a sympathetic hearing in Washington," he gasped; "and +we Martians abhor violence, but there are times--" He rubbed one paw +against his mouth. "I didn't like the taste of Irv, but Fatty's even +worse! I hope," he added viciously, "they have to take Pasteur +treatments!" + +"Me too!" Professor Slakmak agreed cheerfully. "And best of all, they'll +flunk math--but good! Where's your ship--Pal?" + + + * * * * * + + + Transcriber's Note + + Italic text is denoted by _underscores_ + + Missing punctuation has been silently supplied. + + No Changes have been made to the following: + + who had expired for lack of intellegent -- + intellegent is an old correct spelling + + mascot of Omega Pi Upsilen!" -- + not changed, in other places the spelling is Pi Upsilon!" + + + + + Changes have been made to the following: + + Fatty and Irv ran Omega Ph Upsilon --> + Fatty and Irv ran Omega Phi Upsilon + + missing character supplied + + + "and we Martians abhor voilence --> + "and we Martians abhor violence + + spelling error corrected + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Unwilling Professor, by Arthur Porges + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42135 *** diff --git a/42135-h.zip b/42135-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 9d5d3e2..0000000 --- a/42135-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/42135-h/42135-h.htm b/42135-h/42135-h.htm index e067d76..75e91f1 100644 --- a/42135-h/42135-h.htm +++ b/42135-h/42135-h.htm @@ -2,7 +2,7 @@ "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> <html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> <head> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> <title> The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Unwilling Professor, @@ -71,45 +71,7 @@ hr.chap {width: 65%} </style> </head> <body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Unwilling Professor, by Arthur Porges - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Unwilling Professor - -Author: Arthur Porges - -Illustrator: Milton Luros - -Release Date: February 19, 2013 [EBook #42135] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE UNWILLING PROFESSOR *** - - - - -Produced by Dianna Adair, Greg Weeks and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42135 ***</div> <hr class="chap" /> @@ -723,381 +685,6 @@ Fatty and Irv ran Omega Phi Upsilon</p> </div> </div> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Unwilling Professor, by Arthur Porges - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE UNWILLING PROFESSOR *** - -***** This file should be named 42135-h.htm or 42135-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/1/3/42135/ - -Produced by Dianna Adair, Greg Weeks and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Unwilling Professor - -Author: Arthur Porges - -Illustrator: Milton Luros - -Release Date: February 19, 2013 [EBook #42135] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE UNWILLING PROFESSOR *** - - - - -Produced by Dianna Adair, Greg Weeks and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - This etext was produced from Dynamic Science Fiction January 1954. - Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright - on this publication was renewed. - - -The "Professor" had braved great perils to reach Earth, and believed he -knew what he was up against. But he hadn't counted on the menace of -Fatty Schultz and Irv Lece. - - - - - THE UNWILLING - PROFESSOR - - by Arthur Porges - - (_illustrated by Milton Luros_) - - -On that fateful afternoon Fatty Schultz and Irv Lece had cut their last -classes, and were taking a gloomy walk together, scrambling through the -scrubby brush well behind the athletic field. - -There were good reasons for their unhappiness. Fatty was failing in -Calculus II with a velocity that varied directly as the square of the -number of lectures attended. Irv's math instructor had informed _him_, -with a kind of loathing respect, that his only salvation lay in -recommencing the study of arithmetic--taking five or ten years in the -process--and then retiring to a cave for perhaps another fifteen in the -vain hope of digesting, through meditation and prayer, the -multiplication table. After that, Irv might be ready for elementary -algebra, but not, the professor hoped to a merciful God, in this -unfortunate institution of higher learning. - -As a matter of fact, the whole of their fraternity, Omega Pi Upsilon -(usually referred to on campus as "Oh, P-Yu") was in the same boat -regarding almost every subject offered at Bateman College. Bateman had -courses that ranged from Aardvark Breeding to Zythum Brewing, but no -field of knowledge troubled them more than mathematics. - -Hence the long face on Irv Lece. Fatty's visage also strove to elongate, -but simply wasn't built for such an accomplishment. Instead, his piggy -little eyes, ordinarily glowing with a kind of coarse good-humor, were -now smouldering with resentment. - -They had just seated themselves in a small clearing, where Fatty, after -setting his calculus text on a grassy mound, began to heave rocks at it, -when there was a whistling scream, a jarring _whump_, and before their -bulging eyes a small disc lay crumpled, barely ten yards away. - -A shrill creaking came from this odd craft, which looked like a -manhole-cover some eight feet in diameter and twenty inches thick. Then, -as they stared in wonder, a badly-sprung port opened crazily, and a -small rabbit flopped out. It may be stated here that the creature was -not actually a rabbit, but that any difference between the disc's pilot -and an ordinary cottontail was imperceptible to the naked eye. - -For a moment the rabbit swayed drunkenly, its big eyes cloudy, then it -hopped towards Fatty, preferring, perhaps, his larger gravitational -field over Irv's. Extending one snowy paw, it squeaked: "Good afternoon, -gentlemen. Permit me to introduce myself. I am a good-will ambassador -from Venus, and by your conventions should be addressed as 'Professor.' -My name," he added a trifle pompously, "is Iglowt P. Slakmak, and I hold -degrees comparable to your PhD, LLD, and M. D." All this in a very -British accent. - -Fatty gave a hoarse croak; Irv's knees knocked together. - -"Come," the rabbit chirped, "chin up, fellows! There's nothing to be -afraid of. I speak English because we've been monitoring your radio -broadcasts for years. Television is a bit trickier, but we've seen a -few. And by listening to educational programs, I've learned a great deal -about terrestrial culture, which I notice is based upon cigarettes, used -cars--but never mind that, now. I must get to Washington and present -myself. A rival of mine is about to contact Mars for the first time, and -I hope to send in my report on Earth first." He peered at them -anxiously. "You do understand me, chaps, don't you? I learned the best -English from B. B. C., you know." - - * * * * * - -Seeing that the two boys were still dumb, the rabbit, with a mighty -effort, picked up the three-pound calculus text, which was bound in a -revolting green. As he did so, a paper fluttered out, and the professor -deftly scooped it up. He studied Fatty's messy scrawlings for a moment, -then said warmly: "Ah, I observe that you chaps are beginning the study -of elementary mathematics." He shook a paw waggishly. "The limits are -wrong on this integration: they should go from pi-over-two to -pi-over-three first, instead of to zero. There's a discontinuity at -pi-over-three, and your result, that the center of gravity of this -six-inch cube is nine feet to the right, looks somewhat implausible." - -At this, Fatty finally found his voice. "A discontinuity?" he gulped. -"Whassat?" - -"Aw, you know," Irv rebuked him. "Old Cusp's been gassing about 'em for -days, now." - -"Has he? Well, what is it, if you're so smart?" - -"I don't remember," Irv said brazenly, "but at least I heard the name -before." - -"At pi-over-three," the rabbit broke in with authority, "the denominator -of the integrand vanishes. To put it loosely, the function becomes -infinite." - -Fatty looked at Irv; Irv gaped at Fatty. The piggy eyes lit up. "A -rabbit that knows math!" Fatty breathed. - -"Knows it! He wrote the damn book--a real brain!" Irv exulted. - -Once again their eyes met meaningly. "You always said," Irv remarked in -an abstracted manner, "that you could lick the guy who invented calc." - -"I sure can," Fatty asserted, "but--" He paused; then with a speed -surprising in one of his bulk, his thick hands shot out, and Professor -Slakmak, the eminent Venusian savant, found himself dangling by the ears -from stubby, freckled fingers. He kicked with a vigor shockingly -undignified. - -"Let me down!" he squeaked furiously. "This is outrageous. A friendly -ambassador's person is sacred among all civilized peoples; your national -President shall hear of this insult!" - -Fatty looked at him, showing uneven teeth in a loose grin. "Bugs Bunny," -he gloated, "you are now the official mascot of Omega Pi Upsilen!" - -"I second the motion," Irv said, shuffling in excitement. - -"We'd better hide his ship, though," Fatty cried, full of ingenious -intelligence now that nobody was grading him for it. - -"It's too big, ain't it?" Irv replied doubtfully. "Simmer down you!" he -ordered the writhing professor. "We don't wanna choke you, but--" The -captive subsided, contenting himself with little quivers of indignation. - -"It's awful light," Fatty muttered, shoving the damaged saucer with one -size eleven shoe. "We'll move it over here, pile a lot of brush on top, -and--" - -"--Start a fire!" Irv interrupted joyously. - -The professor gave a piercing squeal of protest. - -"No, stupid," Fatty told him, winking. "If the prof here helps us out -this semester, we'll give him back his old disc, right?" - -"Right," Irv agreed, crossing two fingers. - -In fifteen minutes, even with Fatty working one-handed, the ship -vanished under a pile of stiff brush. "That's that," Irv said, taking a -deep breath. "Now--" - -"We can't take him like this," Fatty remarked, swinging the professor by -his ears and giving him a shake by way of emphasis. - -"Why not? We just been rabbit-hunting, that's all." - -"Too risky. Even if the professor keeps quiet, some joker from another -frat might get nosy." - -"He'll be quiet," Irv said grimly. "I know how to hit a rabbit on the -neck with the edge of my hand--" Here the professor began to kick -frantically, and Fatty snatched his hind legs, holding him rigid from -ears to toes. - -"There's an old cardboard box back there," Fatty said. "That'll do the -trick." - -A few seconds later the sullen captive was stuffed unceremoniously into -a damp, mouldy container, and the two students returned to the campus, -their hearts free from mathematical worries. - -"The frat will owe us plenty for this," Fatty said darkly. "We've never -had anybody to coach us in math." - -"They'll be licking our boots," Irv agreed. "But they always have, the -poor dopes!" - - * * * * * - -That night the professor, poorly refreshed by some wilted carrot tops -and water, found himself in a circle of eager Omega Pi Upsilon's, -delivering a detailed lecture--mostly problem-solving--on Section 45 of -Broota's "Introduction to the Elementary Rudiments of the Differential -and Integral Calculus." - -He was a good teacher, and when either his enthusiasm or expository art -faltered, Fatty revived it quickly with a sharp pinch or stinging slap. -So, although the average I. Q. of the fraternity was seventy-six, a -certain amount of mathematics get through; and it was almost midnight -before the unhappy ambassador found himself lying in a dirty, fetid -cage, formerly the residence of the fraternity parrot, who had expired -for lack of intellegent dialogue to copy. Rabbits, even Venusian ones, -cannot weep, but the professor's soul was heavy within him. - -And so it went, day after day, week after week. - -"I am quite amazed," Professor Cusp told a skeptical colleague towards -the end of the term, "at the remarkable way Schultz and his Oh P-Yu -bunch have improved. Their homework these last six weeks has been -excellent." - -"Somebody's coaching them--or doing it outright," was the cynical reply. -"I find no improvement in their zoology." - -"No, that's what I suspected at first, but it can't be true. For -example, on last week's extra credit problem--a real stinker--they -turned in over a dozen correct solutions, all different. Nobody would go -to that much trouble for the P-Yu crowd; they're about as popular on -campus as Malenkov is with the D. A. R." - -Another colleague, who had been listening, demanded: "But you won't let -Fatty Schultz by, will you?" - -"I'll have to," Cusp admitted. "Even though his exams are still -horrible, I give quite a bit of weight to good homework, so--" - -"You swine!" the other said sourly. "Now I'll get him." - -Cusp laughed. "Ah, but you're supposed to be tough; they're afraid of -you." - -"They'd better be. It's a pity the biology lab has to experiment on poor -chimps while we give degrees to anthropoids like Fatty!" - - * * * * * - -That night Fatty told his unwilling mascot the bad news. "I'm sorry, -Prof," he said genially. "It's only one more term, then I'll be done -with math, and you can go back to your disc. By my last course is with -old Totient, and he's rough." - -"You promised!" the professor squealed angrily. - -"This time I mean it, honest." - -"Hey, Fatty," a fraternity brother objected, "ain't you gonna leave the -prof to our gang? Just cause _you're_ through--" He broke off in -confusion as Irv kicked his ankle, hard. - -"Ignore the jerk," Lece reassured the crestfallen rabbit. "When Fatty -and I finish our math requirement, you're on your own again. Course, -you'll have to promise not to tell the President!" Over the professor's -head he winked broadly at his friends. - -"I won't do it! It's a cad's trick!" The rabbit's brown eyes were bright -with rage. - -Fatty pawed his soft fur with one lardy hand. "C'mon, Prof, be a sport," -he urged, greasily affectionate. "We like you a lot. You wouldn't let us -down now." - -"I--will--not--do--it! You promised--" - -"You will, too!" Irv grunted. "Don't give us any backtalk. If I have to -twist your ears--" - -"Use the cigarette lighter," somebody suggested, half ashamed. "He's -only bluffing again." - -"I'm not," the professor said sturdily. "You can burn me, kill me, but I -won't tutor this bunch of cretins any more!" - -"Where does he get those words?" a student wondered aloud. "What's a -cretin?" - -"Irv," Fatty said in a sly, buttery voice, "where's that nasty pooch who -adopted the Delts last week? The one that chased the chaplain into Tom -Paine Hall. I'll bet he's a first class abbitray oundhay." - -"Mac," Irv addressed a slender, dark boy, "they keep him in that shed -by the athletic field. Go and--ah borrow him, will you?" Mac left. - -"What's an abbitray oundhay?" the professor quavered. - -"You'll find out!" Fatty told him grimly. "Don't they teach pig-latin on -Venus?" - -There was a strained silence, while some members of the group whispered -protests. But there was no open resistance. Fatty and Irv ran Omega Phi -Upsilon with an iron hand. - -Then the door opened, and Mac, tugging hard at the collar of a large -dog, lurched into the room. "Here's Hotspur," he grinned, as the brute -strove to mangle the cowering professor. - -Hotspur was a canine melting pot. The Spitz in his ancestry seemed to -predominate, but there were plain traces of airdale, setter--and -crowning evidence of some mis-alliance--dachshund. White teeth bared in -a slavering snarl, the dog glared at the rabbit, lunging against his -collar as Mac held hard. - -But the professor had collapsed, all his courage gone. "A dog!" he -gasped in horror, and Hotspur seemed startled at the human voice -emerging from a rabbit. A thin whimper came from the professor. "Take -that monster away," he begged. "I'll do anything--anything!" - -"That's better," Fatty chortled. "But we need this good ol' hound more -than the Delts do. Put him down in the basement--just in case." He eyed -the professor, who shrank into a furry, abject heap. - -"My new prof, Dr. Totient, is tough," Fatty said. "Bugs Bunny here is -gonna have plenty to do. We'll clear out now and let him prepare his -assignments! See that you watch those signs," he jibed, handing out what -he had so long received. He fastened the rabbit's chain to its stout -staple in the wall. "Here." He fished an apple core from his jeans, and -tossed it at the professor, giving him an oily smirk. "Just to show -there's no hard feeling. Eat hearty!" He stumped out, followed by his -companions. - - * * * * * - -Gradually it grew dark, and the deserted fraternity-house was quiet. -Ravenous, the professor finally nerved himself to nibble the apple core, -which to his sensitive nostrils reeked of Fatty. He had just downed the -last noisome fragment, when there was a loud, inquisitive sniff at the -door. He grew rigid. Another sniff and the shoulder thrust of a heavy -body. - -Insecurely shut, the door swung open, and a huge, white form stalked in. -The professor cringed, moaning a little, the hot alien scent of dog in -his nose, prepared to meet a terrible death. - -"Ssst!" the big mongrel admonished him. "I'm a friend," he rumbled in -slow, thick English. Trotting over, he took the slender chain in his -great teeth, and threw his thirty pound body into the wrench. The staple -pulled free. - -"Let's get t'hell out of here," he grunted, "while your bunch is gone." - -"B-but my ship," the professor stammered, staring in bewilderment. "It's -broken down, and those two awful boys will find me before I can fix it." - -"Never mind; I'll give you a lift in mine. I'm heading for Washington, -then I'll have to report back on Mars. I can drop you either place. I -just got word myself, only a few days ago, that our two planets had -finally made contact. They asked me to find out where you'd disappeared -to, but I never dreamed you were here. When I heard you talking -English--! But we'd better scoot. I've spied out this place long -enough-- I don't think it's quite representative." - -They had just reached the brush behind the library, where the -professor's passionate story was completed, when Hotspur, looking back, -saw lights flash in the fraternity house windows. - -"Wait here," he said cryptically. "Be right back." He sprang into the -brush, and vanished. A few moments later, the anxious professor heard -some yells of agony coming from the campus, and before long Hotspur -returned, panting. - -"I know you'll get a sympathetic hearing in Washington," he gasped; "and -we Martians abhor violence, but there are times--" He rubbed one paw -against his mouth. "I didn't like the taste of Irv, but Fatty's even -worse! I hope," he added viciously, "they have to take Pasteur -treatments!" - -"Me too!" Professor Slakmak agreed cheerfully. "And best of all, they'll -flunk math--but good! Where's your ship--Pal?" - - - * * * * * - - - Transcriber's Note - - Italic text is denoted by _underscores_ - - Missing punctuation has been silently supplied. - - No Changes have been made to the following: - - who had expired for lack of intellegent -- - intellegent is an old correct spelling - - mascot of Omega Pi Upsilen!" -- - not changed, in other places the spelling is Pi Upsilon!" - - - - - Changes have been made to the following: - - Fatty and Irv ran Omega Ph Upsilon --> - Fatty and Irv ran Omega Phi Upsilon - - missing character supplied - - - "and we Martians abhor voilence --> - "and we Martians abhor violence - - spelling error corrected - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Unwilling Professor, by Arthur Porges - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE UNWILLING PROFESSOR *** - -***** This file should be named 42135.txt or 42135.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/1/3/42135/ - -Produced by Dianna Adair, Greg Weeks and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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