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diff --git a/42122-0.txt b/42122-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..baab307 --- /dev/null +++ b/42122-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2600 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42122 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 42122-h.htm or 42122-h.zip: + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/42122/42122-h/42122-h.htm) + or + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/42122/42122-h.zip) + + + Images of the original pages are available through + Villanova University Digital Library. See + http://digital.library.villanova.edu/Americana/Dime%20Novel/Street%20and%20Smith/StreetandSmith-07242dbb-24fe-42df-98f4-2b994c86e60a.xml + + +Transcriber's note: + + Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_). + + Text enclosed by equal signs is in bold face (=bold=). + + + + + +S. & S. Humor Library No. 2--_Illustrated_--Price, 25 Cents + +"ATCHOO!" + +Sneezes from a Hilarious Vaudevillian + +[Illustration] + +by + +GEORGE NIBLO + +Street & Smith - Publishers - New York + + +ATCHOO! + +Sneezes from a Hilarious Vaudevillian + +by + +GEORGE NIBLO + + + + + + + +[Illustration: S AND S +NOVELS +STREET & SMITH - NEW YORK] + +New York +Street & Smith, Publishers +238 William Street + +Copyright, 1903 +By Street & Smith + +Atchoo! + + + + +ATCHOO! + + +Fellow citizens!--I beg pardon, I mean ladies and gentlemen! You see +I've just come from a political meeting, and that sort of thing gets on +your nerves. I went to hear my friend Isaacstein talk. His subject was +"Why should the Jew have to work?" + +[Illustration] + +They did a lot of whitewashing at that meeting. I suppose it's all +right. Of course you can't make a new fence with a pail of whitewash, +but you can cover up the mothholes. + +But we mustn't be too hard on the politicians. If it wasn't for politics +a good many fellows that are too lazy to earn a living with their hands +would be paupers. But some of 'em are all right. There's Isaacstein for +instance. As good a man as ever sauntered down Hester Street. He joined +the noble army of grafters two years ago and worked so hard at his +profession that he got appendicitis. + +A friend of Isaacstein's met another acquaintance of his in Hester +Street and asked: + +"Haf you heard aboudt Isaacstein?" + +"No. Vat iss it?" + +"He vas sick. They take him by der hospital, and vat you tink they do to +him?" + +"Vell. Vell. Vat iss it?" + +[Illustration] + +"They put him in a room all by himself und take his appendix away from +him." + +"Na! Na! Na! Vat a pity, ain't it, he didn't have it in his wife's name?" + +Why, I was taken sick myself lately--such thing will happen even in the +best regulated families, you know. + + The doctor came and said that he + Would make another man of me. + "All right," said I, "and if you will, + Just send that other man your bill." + +While I was on my way here there was a fire down in one of those thickly +populated streets where twenty families and more live, like sardines, +in a tenement. The fire engine came booming along, and as usual created +tremendous excitement. + +[Illustration] + +I noticed a small chap on a bicycle riding zigzag in front of the +machine, evidently anxious to keep up with it and get to the fire in +time to watch it begin work. + +Half a dozen times the driver had to pull up suddenly to avoid running +over the nervy little Hebrew, and this of course made the firemen riding +with the machine furious. + +Just in front of where I was standing one of the gallant life savers +jumped down from the engine, caught hold of the boy and pulled him off +to one side, at the same time saying: + +[Illustration] + +"You miserable little Sheeney, you ought to be arrested for getting in +the way! I've a good mind to spank you." + +The boy looked at the fireman in surprise and whimpered: + +"If it wasn't for the Jews you wouldn't have anything to do." + +I often squander an hour or two down in Hester Street, where I have some +rare acquaintances among the second-hand dealers. + +Of course you understand that I only go there to study human nature, and +I remember some months ago being delightfully entertained at a Jewish +wedding, where my esteemed friend Moses Schaumburg gave his cherished +Rebecca into the keeping of young Silverstein, a progressive Broadway +salesman. + +This fact was brought to my mind when, only the other day I saw the +bridegroom rush into his father-in-law's establishment bearing a look of +excitement, and also a few very positive scratches upon his olive face, +and exclaiming dramatically: + +"Mister Schaumburg, I vants you to dake back your daughter Rebecca." + +[Illustration] + +The old man threw up his hands. + +"I dakes not dot Repecca back. Ven a man comes to my house, picks out +himself a piece of goots, and dot goots vas received by him in goot +order, I vould be a fool to dake pack dot goods. No, sir, you schoost +keep dot Repecca." + +[Illustration] + +My brother Tom was hit on the head some time ago, and at the hospital +they said they would have to amputate half his brain. I didn't want them +to, because he is absent-minded anyway. + +"We'll have to give him something to make him sleep," said one of the +surgeons. + +"That won't be necessary," said another; "he's a policeman." + +That made Tom sore, and he snapped: "I've got half a mind to cave in +your ribs for you." + +"You won't feel that way in a minute," said the surgeon, "because that's +the half of your mind we're going to cut out." + +It was a great operation. When I told my wife of the surgeon's little +joke and how Tom came back at him she said she never knew a time when +Tom wasn't ready to give anybody a piece of his mind. + +Tom was a confirmed dyspeptic, too, and when the operator was taking an +X-ray photograph of the seat of his troubles, this waggish brother of +mine, with a ghastly attempt to be facetious, said: + +"This, I suppose, is what might be called taking light exercise on an +empty stomach." + +[Illustration] + +Perhaps it may surprise you to hear me say that some years ago I was +connected with the newspaper business. + +I don't tell this to everybody, you know, but there are some little +things connected with my experience that drive away the blues in these +times when the ghost refuses to walk regularly on pay day. + +It was out in old Kaintuck, the Blue Grass country famous for its fast +horses, fair women and old Bourbon. + +Say, have you ever been in the land of Daniel Boone and Davy Crockett, +the original Tennessee Congressmen? + +You don't know what you've missed then--grand scenery, splendid +cooking, and the most original people in the mountains, where they make +that moonshine whiskey you've heard about. + +[Illustration] + +I used to hustle right lively looking for news, and during the course of +my journeyings I ran across a grizzled old farmer from the back +settlements, who looked like he might be a good judge of double +distilled mountain dew that had paid no revenue to Uncle Sam. + +Of course I tackled him right away, and first lining him up in the +tap-room of the tavern, asked what news there might be up in his +section, for it was a warm corner of the State, and could usually be +depended on for some lively incidents during the week. + +His answer rather disappointed me at first. + +"They ain't nothin' doin' up our way," he said, "'cause we're all too +busy with our crops to bother about anything else. All quiet in our +neighborhood for sartin." + +"Pretty good crops this year?" I inquired. + +"Bully," says he. "I ought to be in my field this minute, an' I would +be if I hadn't come to town to see the coroner." + +"The coroner?" I began to feel interested, because you know there's only +one kind of harvest that needs a coroner. + +"Yep. Want him to hold an inquest on a couple of fellers down in our +neighborhood." + +"Inquest? Was it an accident?" + +[Illustration] + +"Nope. Zeke Burke did it a-puppus. Plugged George Rambo and his boy Bill +with a pistol. Got to have an inquest." + +"What caused the fight?" + +"There wasn't no fight. Zeke never give the other fellers a show. Guess +he was right, too, 'cause the Rambos didn't give Zeke's father an' +brother any chance. Just hid behind a tree and fired at 'em as they came +along the road. That was yistiday mornin', an' in an hour Zeke had +squared accounts." + +"Has Zeke been arrested?" + +"Nope. What's the use? Some of old man Rambo's relatives came along last +night, burned down Zeke's house, shot him an' his wife, an' set fire to +his barn. Nope, Zeke hasn't been arrested. But I ain't got time to talk +to you. Have to git back to my harvestin'. But there ain't no news down +our way. If anythin' happens I'll let ye know." + +[Illustration] + +One of my best friends down there was an old judge who knew more about +whiskey than he did about law. One day a young lawyer came to town and +hung up his shingle. + +Up to that day the judge had been the only member of the legal +fraternity there. + +Old Si Corntassle, a close-fisted farmer, sizing up the situation, +thought it a good chance to corner some legal advice without cost, so he +hastened to call upon the young man, told him he was very glad he had +come into the town, as the old judge was getting superannuated, and then +contrived in a sort of neighborly talk to get some legal questions +answered. + +Then thanking the young sprig of the bar, he put on his hat and was +about to leave, when the lawyer asked him if he should charge the +advice, for which the fee was five dollars. + +The old fellow went into a violent passion and swore he never would pay, +but the young lawyer told him he would sue him if he didn't. + +[Illustration] + +So old Si trotted down to see the judge, found him hoeing in his garden, +and said: + +"That young scamp that's just come into town! I dropped in to make a +neighborly call on him and he charged me five dollars for legal advice." + +"Served you right," said the judge, who sized up the situation, and saw +a chance to pay off an old score; "you had no business to have gone to +him." + +"But have I got to pay it, judge?" + +"Of course you have." + +"Well, then," said the man, "I suppose I must," and he started off. + +"Hold on!" said the judge; "aren't you going to pay me?" + +"Pay you? What for?" said old Si. + +"For legal advice." + +"What do you charge?" + +"Ten dollars." + +And consequently as old Si had to settle with both he rather overreached +himself in the transaction. + +Some of you people doubtless find benefit in visiting the country, but I +imagine Snellbaker, who has a gents' furnishing-goods emporium on the +corner of a Brooklyn Street, rather carries off the prize in a +profitable trip. + +[Illustration] + +I met him the other day, well sunburned, and with a twinkle in his eye. + +"I say, Mr. Niblo, did you hear about my luck?" he asked, slapping me on +the shoulder. + +"Why, no, what's happened now?" I replied, wondering if he had drawn the +grand prize in a lottery, or if his children had the measles. + +[Illustration] + +"Well, you know when I went away to the country, I only took my five +children and I brought ten home with me." + +"How was that?" I asked, in surprise. + +"Well, they ate green apples and got doubled up." + +Singular what queer things do happen on the electric cars of a great +metropolis. The other day I was riding down to the City Hall in a pretty +crowded car when something happened. + +All the other passengers in the car were men except one; and she was a +girl, a nice, pretty, young thing of that peculiar pinkish clarity of +complexion more commonly designated "peaches and cream." + +[Illustration] + +The conductor had just collected her fare and was proceeding on his way +to the rear platform when the girl grabbed at the left arm of her jacket +and emitted a gaspy little scream. + +"What is it, miss?" asked the conductor. + +"Oh, what shall I do?" moaned the girl. "I've lost it! I've lost my Yale +pin!" + +And she looked as if she would topple over on the man next to her. The +conductor stooped and looked about the floor of the car. All of us +passengers did the same. The pretty young thing shook out her skirts +vigorously. All hands lent their aid to lift up the gratings and to +search the space beneath them. There was, however, no signs of the +cherished emblem. About the time everybody was beginning to feel +exhausted the girl suddenly exclaimed: + +"Oh, I remember now! It's all right. Don't bother any more. I gave it +back last night." + +"City Hall!" yelled the conductor, and I was glad to get off. + +Last time I rode in a trolley car I got a scare for sure. Honestly now, +it gave me a queer feeling up and down my spine when I noticed that the +car number was 1313, and what made it worse we were just passing +Thirteenth Street at the time. + +I thought I would mention the fact to the conductor, especially when +upon counting the passengers I found there were just that fatal number +aboard. + +It was the thirteenth of the month too, and bless you if that +conductor's number wasn't just 3913. + +So I grimly paraded these significant facts before the attention of the +knight of the fare register. + +"I should think it would make you nervous!" I remarked. + +"Only once't that I remember," said the conductor, with a grin. + +[Illustration] + +"When and how?" + +"There was thirteen babies in this here car yellin' in thirteen +different keys all at the same time," replied the conductor. + +Some people are so superstitious, you know, always carrying home old +horseshoes and nailing them up over the door--why, a pagan nation like +the Japanese have the same custom with other embellishments. + +The fun of it is, while some stoutly maintain the horseshoe must be +nailed with the forks pointing upward, there are others just as set in +their belief that if a chap wants real good luck to swoop down upon his +domicile it is absolutely imperative that the opening must be left +below. + +[Illustration] + +Why Ketcham actually grew hot under the collar the other day because I +sneered when he chanced to mention what horrible bad fortune had come +to him since his propitiation to the gods was stolen from his barn door +by a wandering dago junk-man. + +"Don't you believe then that there's good luck in finding a horseshoe?" +he demanded, fiercely. + +"Why, yes, under certain conditions," I replied; "for instance when you +find it on the winning horse." + +Ketcham is quite a gay fellow, and a member of many clubs, so that he +can seldom be found home of an evening. + +[Illustration] + +I once remonstrated with him, as a true friend should. + +"See here," I said, seriously, "you are out every night until the 'wee +sma' hours.' Isn't midnight late enough for you?" + +"Well," he replied, "I find when I show up at midnight my wife can talk +to me, but when I get home at three, words fail her." + +Say, my wife came home from shopping the other day filled with righteous +indignation, and, of course, while men are not supposed to have any +curiosity, you know, my peace of mind was somewhat disturbed. + +I began to have vague fears that perhaps some miserable detective in one +of the department stores might have insulted her--perhaps accused her of +having too warm an affection for the lace counter. + +At length, however, seeing that I would not ask the question she was +burning to hear, she burst out with: + +"I wish the shopkeepers would be more careful how they put mirrors in +conspicuous places." + +"What's the matter? Been trying to dodge your own reflection?" I asked, +for do you know it was the first time I had ever heard a woman complain +of too much looking-glass. + +[Illustration] + +"No; but you know there is one of those triple mirrors in one of the +department stores, and poor dear Fido spent fifteen minutes chasing +around it trying to find the other dog. I thought I'd never get him out +of that store." + +Ever been through the Chinese quarter down around Mott Street, where you +can smell the incense of the joss-sticks burning before the ugly little +idols? + +[Illustration] + +I saw in the paper the other day about a fellow who had come from Korea +with samples of idols that he wanted an American firm to manufacture, +and it begins to look as though presently our enterprising Yankees might +corral this trade along with everything else. + +That gave me an inspiration which I set down in verse--if you'd like to +hear the result I don't mind one bit, so prepare to weep, for here it +goes: + + The heathen in his blindness + Bows down to wood and stone-- + Some idol inexpensive + He puts upon a throne; + But now we'll teach the heathen + The error of his way, + And sell him modern idols + Made in the U. S. A. + + We'll lift the foolish heathen + From groping in the dust. + And change and civilize him-- + We'll form an Idol Trust. + For ages he has groveled + In superstition dim + But now we'll help his progress + By making gods for him. + + No seven-handed figures; + No gods with coiling tails: + No birds, no bugs, no serpents, + No animals, nor whales-- + No, sir! He'll have our idols: + A shovelful of coal, + A meter, and an oil can + To terrify his soul. + + A bonnet and a ribbon: + A bargain ad.--the strife + They'll cause will make the heathen + Yearn for a better life. + The poor benighted pagan + Will come out of the dark + And bow before our idol-- + The mighty dollar mark! + +[Illustration] + +Mr. Carboline, our druggist at the corner, has troubles of his own, +though I never realized the fact until I saw a perspiring individual +rush in upon him with a thermometer in his hand the other day, and in an +excited tone exclaim: + +"Here, take back this darned machine before I freeze to death." + +[Illustration] + +He looked so heated just then that we began to imagine he must be a +little out of his mind, but Carboline ventured to ask humbly enough what +was the matter with the mercury register. + +"It's out of whack somehow, and won't register correctly. Darn it, I've +been shivering in my room for a week, and just couldn't keep warm. I had +the thermometer over my writing desk, and the other morning when the +steam went down a little I looked at the mercury. It showed forty +degrees. + +"I knew nothing less than a polar bear could work in that temperature, +and went hustling after the janitor. + +"He shook up his furnace, and the steam began to sizzle, but the room +wouldn't get warm enough to raise that mercury above 50. + +"We ran short of coal for a day, and she went down to 40 again, and I +went over to stop with a friend till we got more coal. + +"Then the steam sizzled once more, but the north wind seemed to come in +through the window cracks and the shivers had me all over. + +"I struck for window strips, and had a row with the landlord. + +"The mercury showed 50 degrees right along, and though I made it hot for +the janitor I couldn't get any of it into the blamed thermometer. + +[Illustration] + +"Yesterday I gave notice that I would get out if they didn't keep me +warm. I'm a bachelor tenant paying a good price and generally no kicker, +and they didn't want me to leave. + +"About an hour ago the janitor came in to see how I was getting along. + +"He found me at my desk with a blanket around me. He asked if I were +sick. I told him I was frozen. + +"He said he thought the room was very warm. Before licking him I showed +him the thermometer and told him that was the real test. + +"The mercury stood at 50. + +"The janitor swore and went out. + +"He came back in a minute with another thermometer and hung it alongside +of mine. It was a fine one, guaranteed to keep perfect records. + +"It marked 65 degrees when he brought it in, and in a minute or two it +showed 71. Mine stood still at 50. + +"The janitor looked at the two machines and began to grin. I began to +unwind the blanket that was around me. The janitor looked scared, but I +told him not to run; that I wasn't going to lick him. The only man that +I felt like licking was the one who sold me a thermometer that wouldn't +go. + +"You're the one. + +"Now, it's up to you to apologize, give me a machine that is true, or be +licked. I've paid my money and you can take your choice." + +Mr. Carboline preferred to make the change. + +By the way, before I forget it, let me tell you about young Charlie +Suitz, a friend of mine, who is really as modest a chap as you would +care to meet. + +Charlie has a girl upon whom he calls very frequently, and, they tell +me, at the most unexpected times. + +That was probably how it happened he dropped in one afternoon and was +informed by her mother that she was upstairs taking a bath, so he told +the old lady he only wanted to speak to her for a minute; and she called +out: + +"Mamie, come right down, Mr. Suitz wants to see you down here." + +So Mamie called back, "Oh, mother, I can't; I have nothing on." + +"Well, slip on something right away, and come down." + +And what do you think? Mamie slipped on the stairs, and came down. + +Talking of your level-headed young Lochinvars of to-day, who use +automobiles in their elopements instead of horses as in the old times, +there was Charlie's brother who fell in love with the only daughter of +old Squeezer, the richest skinflint in Stringtown, and was bound to have +her, even if he had to resort to strategy. + +[Illustration] + +"Oh, Bob," she whispered, sliding down into the outstretched arms of the +lover who stood at the bottom of the ladder, "are you sure the coast is +clear?" + +"To a dead certainty," he replied, bitterly. "I succeeded in boring a +hole in the water pipe. Your father has discovered it, and will keep his +finger over the hole until the plumber arrives. Come!" + +I dined at the Waldorf the other night, and somehow in the long list of +courses found my mind wrestling with an item that had caught my eye in +one of the yellow sheets, where a certain well-known doctor declared +that the simple cooking of savage tribes was far superior to that of the +present civilized races. + +When I reached home the thought, and perhaps the menu I had so gallantly +assailed, so impressed me, that I sat down and rattled off a few verses +covering the ground. This is how the song goes: + +[Illustration] + + "You cook," I observed to the African chief, + "With a truly remarkable skill; + With your soups and your entrees you ne'er come to grief, + You seldom go wrong when you grill. + Your roast leg of pork or of mutton is--well, + It's a privilege simply to view it; + And I feel I could fatten for weeks on the smell! + How on earth do you manage to do it?" + + With a gratified simper the chieftain explained, + "Ah, well, for that matter, the fact is, + Whatever ability I may have gained + Is simply the outcome of practice. + In the days of my youth, e'er I quitted my land, + Not content with the usual rations, + I made it a habit to practice my hand + On my numerous friends and relations. + + "I strove with a will toward my ultimate end, + Surmounting each obstacle gayly. + I speedily ran through my circle of friends, + Diminished my relatives daily. + My brothers gave out, and my uncles as well; + My cousins went faster and faster; + Until--in a word a long story to tell-- + I found I could cook like a master." + + In silence I stood till he came to the end, + For his tale had delighted and thrilled me; + Then thoughtfully thanking my cannibal friend, + I owned that with envy he filled me. + For many's the man whom I'd thankfully boil, + And countless relations beset me, + Whom I'd eagerly stew (without grudging the toil), + If only the law would abet me. + +Some people have such remarkable ideas connected with the bringing up of +children. There's Rossiter's young wife for example. + +[Illustration] + +I was invited to an evening dinner party recently where she was the +guest of honor. + +This charming young matron is the proud mother of two fine boys, both +under four years of age. + +In their education she endeavors to follow a system, like many other +young mothers, and she is very careful to live up to any rules she may +have formulated for them. + +During an early course in the dinner, and in the middle of an animated +conversation with her host, she suddenly ceased talking. + +Her face took on a most startling expression. Then finding her voice, +she exclaimed: + +"Mercy, I have forgotten those boys again! May I use your telephone?" + +She was taken to the 'phone by the host, and the murmur of her voice in +most earnest conversation was wafted back to the dining room. + +After a short time she returned. + +"I beg a thousand pardons," she said, "but you must know I have always +insisted that Sam and Dick say their prayers for me before they go to +sleep. + +"In the hurry of getting off to-night I entirely forgot my usual duty. + +"So I called up the nurse. She brought them to the 'phone and they said +their prayers over the wire. I feel quite relieved." + +Speaking of boys reminds me of my friend Toddlekins' young hopeful, who +marched into the library the other day when I was engaging his pa in a +scientific discussion. + +I may remark just here that Tommy had a new gun under his arm, which I +understood his fond parent had recently presented to him--you know +Toddlekins is a great admirer of the strenuous life and likes to +encourage it all he can in his offspring, who appears to be a chip of +the old block. + +[Illustration] + +"Say, pa," was what he exploded, "is it true that cats have nine lives?" + +Always ready to impart information to the inquiring mind of youth, his +fond parent replied such was the common saying, which might be accepted +as truth. + +"Well, I am glad of that," said the boy, heaving a genuine sigh of +relief, "because then our old tortoise-shell's got eight coming to her." + +I'm afraid my smallest chap is going to take after his proud +father--it's about time, since I've taken after him on many an occasion. + +For instance now, at school, in the course of his astronomy lesson, the +teacher happened to ask: + +"What supports the sun in the heavens?" + +"Why, its beams, of course," was the prompt answer given by the flower +of the family. + +He was not encouraged to exercise the propensity further. + +But it is not always the boys who can be depended on to furnish material +for a good story. + +I knew a little tot of a girl once, Helen they called her, the pride and +joy of a young couple with whom I used to dine occasionally in my happy +bachelor days. + +I discovered, however, one night, that the little lady was very much +afraid of the dark, just as some of her older sisters are prone to be, +and all her mother's persuasive eloquence was required to induce the +child to leave the brilliantly lighted dining room for her own dark +bedroom. + +[Illustration] + +A whispered colloquy between mother and child finally resulted in the +little one's departure to her room without further protest. + +When the mother returned to the dining room she explained: + +"It's so easy to handle children if you just know how. I told her there +was no reason to be afraid; that the dark was filled with angels, all +watching over her. Now she is quite content to be left alone and----" + +"Mamma! Mamma!" piped a small, far-away voice at this point, "please +come quick. The angels is a-biting me." + +[Illustration] + +While I was talking with Mike who should drop in but the archbishop? + +Now, because a man's a priest is no reason he shouldn't have a big +streak of humor in him, and the archbishop can appreciate a joke as well +as the next one. + +They say that when he was up in the Harlem district last winter, for the +purpose of administering confirmation, he asked one nervous little girl +what matrimony was, and she answered: + +"A state of terrible torment, which those who enter it are compelled to +undergo for a time to prepare them for a brighter and better world." + +"No, no," remonstrated the pastor; "that isn't matrimony; that's the +definition of purgatory." + +"Leave her alone," said the archbishop; "maybe she's right. What do you +or I know about it?" + +Thinking to test his knowledge of history, some one once remarked in his +hearing: + +[Illustration: Ye First After Dinner Speech] + +"I wonder who made the first after-dinner speech?" + +"Adam did," replied the archbishop, promptly, "for you know we read that +after he had eaten that apple down to the core, he arose and said, 'the +woman tempted me'." + +And you will agree with me he was pretty nearly correct that time. + +I always take considerable interest in the yacht races for the America's +Cup, and when my friend Donovan informed me recently that the next boat +would have a wonderful rudder filled with air, to add to the buoyancy +and save weight, I began to consider whether the advantages might not be +offset by the new dangers accompanying a pneumatic rudder. + +If a yacht should happen to get a puncture in her rudder during the race +she would be compelled to drop out, owing to the difficulty of cementing +or plugging it while sailing. + +And in a race a yacht is liable to be on a tack at any moment. + +[Illustration] + +A week ago I took a spin on my wheel, along country roads where the +festive bull loiters in the shade of the tree, waiting for a victim. + +If you have ever taken the trouble to notice, there are funny things +sometimes happening on these dusty highways of the hobos, and more than +a few times the shrewd city man finds himself the sport of Rube's wit. + +Having become somewhat confused as to my bearings on this particular +occasion, I thought to make inquiries of a slab-sided youth, who leaned +on a fence and sucked at a straw meditatively. + +"I say, my good fellow, am I on the right road to Jericho?" I asked, +with my most patronizing smile. + +He surveyed me a minute and then said slowly: + +"Ya-as, stranger, but I kinder reckon you're goin' in the wrong +direcshun." + +Say, as I was walking along Sixth Avenue a man thumped me on the back +and yelled out: + +"Sure, Michael, ye're the broth av a bhoy. Len' me ten." + +And I did; I couldn't refuse it. That's like the Irish; they're so +hearty and will share your last cent. + +[Illustration] + +There's one bright Irishman that I'm greatly interested in. Terence +Sullivan came over here with the idea that he could pick up money in the +streets; and sure enough the first day he landed he found a nice new +ten-dollar bill on one of the seats in Battery Park. Since then he's +gone on doing well. + +Sullivan was never much of a reader, and I had often wondered at this +until on a certain occasion he gave his prejudice an airing. + +"And faith," said he, "Oi don't see the since in noospapers. They kin +only print what's already happened." + +As affairs prospered with the honest fellow, like all true-hearted +Irishmen, he must needs send for the mother, and install her in a +comfortable home. + +I remember meeting the old lady once, and under conditions that often +make me smile. + +I had a friend, a lawyer, who had an office away up in one of the +skyscrapers downtown, and here Mrs. Sullivan, after much persuasion, +had been induced to come and pay her rent. + +The lawyer's office was on one of the upper floors of a large office +building. + +After the rent had been paid and the receipt given, the old woman was +shown out into the hallway by the office boy. + +[Illustration] + +I found her in the hallway a few minutes later, when I chanced along. +She was wandering about opening doors and otherwise acting in a strange +manner. + +"What are you looking for?" I asked. + +"Shure," she said, in her simplicity, "I'm lookin' for the little closet +I came up in." + +I suppose you will believe me when I tell you that my theatrical +ventures have frequently brought me in contact with ripe episodes that +impressed themselves strongly upon my memory. + +Sometimes they were too ripe, and gave occasion for much toil ere they +could be wholly eradicated from my unfortunate coat. + +[Illustration] + +I long ago lost my taste for eggs in any shape. + +On a barn-storming crusade with a small show, I remember, at an +afternoon rehearsal, the flute player in the orchestra made me nervous +by playing off key. After vainly endeavoring to correct the man, I lost +my temper and exclaimed: + +"Cut out the flute for goodness' sake!" + +Thereupon the musician arose with fire in his eye. + +"Oh! you want to get rid of the flute, do you?" he asked. + +"Yes," I drawled carelessly, "I guess we'll get along all right without +your assistance." + +"Oh! you will, will you! Well, see here, young fellow, if I don't play +the flute, you don't sing that song--and there'll be no show to-night. +You understand?" + +"Who'll prevent?" I demanded. + +"Only the flute," was the answer. "I'm the mayor of this place, I am, +and I issue the permits. See?" + +And I saw. + +On my last whirl around the circuit I went by way of the New York +Central. + +There was a newly-married couple in our car, and of course lots of us +were more or less interested in their carrying-on. + +[Illustration: Morris-sinia!] + +Once the train plunged through a tunnel, and I suppose the newly-made +Benedict took advantage of the golden opportunity to kiss his spouse. + +"Morris-sinia!" yelled the brakeman as we came to daylight again. + +"I don't care if he did," snapped the woman, "we're married." + +At our first stop in a bustling town up in York State I was in the box +office, when I was addressed by a young man who in hollow tones declared +he had heard that to see so great an actor as myself was good for any +form of ailment. + +"You might help me," the young man declared with labored breathing; +"anyway, I'd like to enjoy myself once more before I die. I have +consumption, you know. Could you let me have a pass?" + +[Illustration] + +I couldn't help but feel sorry for such a woebegone-looking, hard-luck +chap, so I at once wrote him out a pass. + +The man took the card, looked at it, coughed even more distressfully +than before, and asked: + +"Couldn't you make it two? I would like to take a friend." + +"Has your friend consumption, too?" I asked, solicitously. + +"N--no--not yet," faltered the man. + +"Ah! then, I'm afraid I can't accommodate your friend. You see, I never +give passes except to persons with the consumption." + +Some people think there is little in a name, but I'm a great believer in +an attractive title. I could mention scores of reasons for thinking as I +do, and you can better believe I'm not alone in this thing. + +Passing the Academy of Music a short time ago, one matinee day, I met +my friend Shackleford coming out, and the play only half over. + +"What is the matter?" I asked; "play bad?" + +"No," he replied, "but it is too hot in there; the house is literally +packed with women. You see it's the name--'Ninety and Nine'--that +catches them. Why, it's better than an actual horse-race or a +locomotive, to draw. They fancy that the admission has been marked down +from a dollar and can't resist the bargain." + +Whenever I meet Chauncey Billings on Broadway the sparks are sure to fly +in the fireworks display of dry wit that passes between us, just as +though you struck flint and steel smartly. + +The other day he approached, looking very happy, as though anticipating +overwhelming me, so being forwarned I prepared to resist boarders. + +[Illustration: Pool 2-1/2 cents a cue] + +"My dear Niblo," said he, "you will be surprised to learn I've taken up +a new business." + +"Indeed, What are you now?" I asked. + +"I'm a detective in a pool room." + +"What do you do?" + +"Oh, I spot balls." + +"That's nothing," I remarked, casually, "I used to work in a cheese +factory." + +"And what did you do?" + +"Oh, play baseball." + +"What, baseball in a cheese factory, Mr. Niblo!" + +"Sure, I used to chase flies. That got tiresome and I went to work in a +barber shop." + +"What were your duties there?" + +"I used to mix lather." + +"And what did you mix lather for?" + +"Oh, to lather Irishmen and Dutchmen, etc." + +"I have a brother who works in an eye hospital," said Chauncey, soberly. + +"What does he do?" + +"Oh, he makes goo-goo eyes." + +"That's nothing, I have a sister who works in a watch factory making +faces." + +[Illustration] + +And so we pass the retort discourteous, and exchange pleasantries as +only old friends may. + +In the Catskill village, where we delight to spend a portion of the +heated term and all our hard-earned capital, there is a boarding-house +run by an eccentric genius, who knows how to set a good table and never +has an empty room through the season, though over the gate leading up +to his hotel he has painted a sign that might well cause consternation +in the breast of many a would-be sojourner, for it reads: + +"Boarders taken by the day, week or month. Those who do not pay promptly +will be taken by the neck." + +[Illustration: Boarders taken by the day, week or month. Those who do +not pay promptly will be taken by the neck.] + +There were some rumors floating around that this remarkable Boniface, as +a Christian Science advocate, had been benefited to an astonishing +extent in the recovery of his health. + +Being of an investigating turn of mind, and anxious to learn all that +was possible concerning the latest fad, I cornered old Bijinks out near +the hog-pen and engaged him in conversation, during which he made a +positive assertion that rather staggered me. + +"Do you mean to tell me that you actually believe Christian Science +cured you?" I demanded, eagerly. + +"Sure," he said, nodding. + +"Of appendicitis?" + +"B'gosh, no--of Christian Science." + +There was a crusty old bachelor at the house who got disgusted with the +spoony couples and came up to my room to talk it over with me. + +"What is love, anyway?" he demanded. + +"Intoxication," I answered, unguardedly. + +"Right," he quickly said, "then possibly marriage must be delirium +tremens." + +Before I could recover my breath he fired another hot shot at me. + +"There's three things I never could stand if I ever married." + +"And what are they?" I asked. + +"Triplets." + +I tried to give him the old gag about a woman's heart being a gold mine. + +"That's right," he said; "you've got to prospect it before you find out +what it's worth; and I know a whole lot of fellows who've gone broke +prospecting." + +That landlord of ours up in the glorious Catskills was a hard subject to +catch napping, and many a time I've watched him crawl out of a hole with +hardly an effort. + +Probably it requires considerable nerve to run a summer resort hotel, +and meet all the requirements which the traveling public seem to expect. + +On one occasion I heard a tourist who had just arrived ask him the old +chestnut: + +"Is this a good place, landlord, do you think, for a person affected +with a weak chest?" + +"None better, sir, none better." + +"I've been recommended, you know, by the doctor, to spend the summer in +some mountain region where the south wind blows. Does it blow much +here?" + +[Illustration] + +"Why sure, it's always the south wind that blows here," replied the +landlord, stoutly. + +"Ah, indeed, then how do you account for it blowing from the north just +now?" + +"That's easy enough, sir--you see it's the same old south wind on its +road back again." + +That landlord was a jewel, and afforded me considerable entertainment +during my sojourn; but he had a neighbor, a stout German farmer, who +took the cake when it came to doing business. + +Le'me tell you about his experience with the insurance agent, for it was +certainly laughable, though old Platzenburger didn't see it that way. + +It seems that the house of the farmer, insured for a thousand dollars, +had burned down. The privilege of replacing a burned house is reserved +by insurance companies and the agent, having this in mind, said to the +farmer: + +"We'll put you up a better house than the one you had for six hundred +dollars." + +"Nein!" said Platzenburger, emphatically. "I vill have my one tousand +dollar or notings! Dot house could not be built again for even a +tousand." + +"Oh, yes, it could," said the insurance man. "It was an old house. It +doesn't cost so much to build houses nowadays. A six-hundred-dollar new +house would be a lot bigger and better than the old one." + +Some months later, when the insurance man was out for a day's shooting, +he rode up again to the farmer's place. + +"Just thought I'd stop while I was up here," he said, "to see if you +wanted to take out a little insurance." + +[Illustration] + +"I got notings to insure," said Platz, "notings but my vife." + +"Well, then," said the insurance man cheerfully, "insure her." + +"Nein!" said the farmer, with determination. "If she die, you come out +here and say, 'I not give you one tousand dollar. I get you a bigger und +a better vife for six hunded.' No, sir, I dakes no more insurance oud!" + +You must excuse me if I have to call a temporary halt upon these +proceedings and indulge in a little vociferous sneeze, for a cold in the +head is no respecter of persons. This is the sneeze, sung in a sad, +sobbing minor: + +[Illustration] + + I've got a cold with snuffles in; + What kind of a cold have you? + I've got the kind that makes me sin + By craving fizzes made of gin + And other stuff with bad booze in-- + What kind of a cold have you? + + I've got the kind that makes one hoarse; + What kind of a cold have you? + To speak requires my utmost force; + My voice is rough, and harsh, and coarse, + And strains its laryngital source-- + What kind of a cold have you? + + I've got a cold that makes me mad-- + What kind of a cold have you? + That makes me reticent and sad, + That puts me plainly to the bad, + The worstest cold I ever had-- + What kind of a cold have you? + +I suppose you know I was on a tour in Florida and other parts of the +Sunny South last winter? + +There is a tradition down there that if a mule kicks a darky on the head +the wretched mule is sure to go lame. + +When I was down there I happened to notice a little colored girl limping +along the street, her feet done up in immense bandages of sacking. + +[Illustration] + +"What's the matter with your feet?" was my natural inquiry. + +"My fadder done hit me on de haid while I was standin' on an iron cellar +door," was the response. + +When I got to Charleston there was a circus in town, and after doing my +matinee stunt at the local theatre, I got around to the circus. + +There was a pretty fair menagerie along with the show, and it was a +treat to me to stand around and hear the original and quaint remarks of +the negroes, many of whom had never before in their lives seen lions and +elephants. + +One big ugly gorilla seemed to attract them above all other living +curiosities, and he was a fierce sight, I assure you. + +I saw an old wizened-up aunty stand in front of his cage a long time, +speechless with awe, and finally heard her vent her feelings in the +words: + +"Foah massa sakes alibe, if he ain't jest like de ole-time culled +folks." + +Another queer old chap tried to make the acquaintance of the uncouth and +hairy monster. + +"How is you?" said the old black man, bowing before the monstrous ape. + +No answer. + +"How is you?" Eph repeated, with another profound bow, and still no +answer. Then, after a long pause, Eph exclaimed: + +"You's right, ole man; keep yo' mouf shet or dey'll put a hoe in yo' +hand and make yo' raise cotton." + +The menagerie always fascinates me. Why, I'm just like a boy again when +I get among the animals, and catch that well-remembered odor always +connected with a show. + +I've even dreamed about 'em, and strange as it may appear, they always +seem to be passing before me in a great hurry, just as though on a +wager. + +As I say, I was kind of fascinated and thinking of boyhood's days and +all that sort of thing, you know, when some one spotted me. + +"By de great horn spoon, if dar ain't George Niblo!" + +I tried to look shy and turned on my best blush. + +Then the manager turned to me politely, gave me the glad hand and asked +if I wouldn't sing a little song. + +I said "sure"; and I did. Here's the song I sung: + + The animals thought they would have a race; + The Monkey was referee; + The Bull was stakeholder, for, as he said, + It was his nature to be. + The Camel got a hump on himself; + The Lion ran with might and mane; + The Tiger stood off, for a beast of his stripe + Was not let to enter again. + The Elephant took his trunk along, + In case he won the prize; + The Peacock was starter, and missed no one, + For, you see, he was all eyes. + Some spotted the Leopard for winner sure; + The old ones chose the Gnu; + While those who leap to conclusions quick + Bet on the Kangaroo. + The Ostrich plumed himself on his speed; + All tried the record to wreck; + The Hippopotamus blew his own horn, + But the Giraffe, he won by a neck. + +I was in court the other day. + +There is no use of any vulgar curiosity concerning the reason of my +being present; but I will say right here that I won my case, and when a +fellow does that he's all right. Yes, sir; I had the dough with me. + +While I was waiting my turn a disreputable-looking chap was brought +before the judge, I believe charged with vagrancy or something of the +sort. + +"What is your name?" inquired the justice. + +"Pete Smith," responded the vagrant. + +[Illustration] + +"What occupation?" continued the court. + +"Oh, nothing much at present; just circulatin' round." + +"Retired from circulation for thirty days," pronounced the court, +dryly. + +In another case where one of the witnesses had been severely baited by a +counsel, the question arose as to the authenticity of a letter of which +the witness was reputed to be the author. + +"Sir," said the lawyer, fiercely, "do you, on your oath, swear that this +is not your handwriting?" + +[Illustration] + +"I think not," was the reply. + +"Does it resemble your handwriting?" + +"I can't say it does." + +"Will you swear that it does not resemble your handwriting?" + +"I will." + +"You will positively take your oath that this writing does not resemble +yours?" persisted the lawyer, working himself into a state bordering on +frenzy. + +"Ye-s-s, sir." + +"You seem less positive," remarked his interrogator; "perhaps we had +better have a specimen of your handwriting for purposes of comparison." + +The witness caused it to be understood that this was impossible, +whereupon the lawyer, scenting his approaching triumph, smiled serenely +at the court. + +"Oh, sir, it is impossible, is it? And may I ask why?" + +"'Cause I can't write," returned the man. + +"Step down; I'm done with you," said the smart lawyer. + +Which reminds me of an occasion when an Irish judge was on the bench, +and took occasion, in my hearing, to address the jury. + +"Gentlemen," he said, seriously, "you have heard the evidence. The +indictment says the prisoner was arrested for stealing a pig. + +"The offense seems to be becoming a common one. The time has come when +it must be put a stop to; otherwise, gentlemen, none of you will be +safe." + +As I came out of court that day it was only natural that I should run +across an old friend, Dr. Case, and hear of more courting. Ah, I thought +you'd see it! + +"Great news about McGregor--he's to be married again." + +I expressed my surprise, for let me tell you I had already enjoyed the +pleasure of an acquaintance with three wives of this same gentleman. + +"Fourth time--that's going it pretty steep, doctor," I remarked. + +"It would appear so. Beats all how the rage for collecting will take +hold of a man. Sometimes it's old books or playbills, and sometimes it's +postage stamps. In McGregor's case it appears to be wives." + +[Illustration] + +When I looked in on Bob Lightwate the other day, at his office, +expecting him to accompany me to the hospital, where a mutual friend had +been taken, I found him clipping an item from a newspaper, which he was +very careful to place in his note book. + +"It tells how a house was robbed, and I want to show it to my wife," he +explained. + +"What good will that do?" I inquired. + +"A whole lot," was the reply. "You see, this house was robbed while a +man was at church with his wife." + +"B'Gosh!" I exclaimed, excitedly, "you haven't got a duplicate copy of +that paper, have you?" + +Before we could get away Bob had a caller. + +You see he owns a lot of real estate in the suburbs and his tenants +pester the life half out of him on account of trivial troubles. + +This party was plainly embarrassed, for he kept twirling his hat in his +hands. + +"What can I do for you, Mr. Sorter?" asked Bob. + +"I came to tell you, sir, that our cellar--" + +"Well, what about the cellar?" + +"It's full of water, sir." + +"Is that all? Humph, I don't see that you've any kick coming, Mr. +Sorter. You surely didn't expect a cellar full of champagne for ten +dollars a month." + +The matter was of course satisfactorily adjusted, after Bob had enjoyed +his little joke, and we went on our way to the hospital. + +Now, a hospital isn't the most cheerful place in the world, and yet now +and then there is some gleam of humor breaks out there. + +[Illustration: Appendices removed suddenly while you wait] + +Human nature is a queer combination, and I've known men who would joke +even under the surgeon's knife. + +When we entered the room where poor Huggins lay, we found that two +physicians were beside his cot holding a consultation over him, and that +it was suspected he had a severe case of appendicitis concealed about +his person. + +"I believe," said one of the surgeons, "that we should wait and let him +get stronger before cutting into him." + +Before the other prospective operator could reply the patient turned his +head, and remarked feebly: + +"What do you take me for--a cheese?" + +I rejoice to tell you that this hero survived the operation, and is +about again. + +Lightwate has always been a great lover of the weed, and it is a rare +thing to find him without a cigar or a pipe in his mouth. + +When taken to task he never fails to joke about the matter, and turn the +tables on a fellow. + +I remember of asking him plainly once why he smoked so much, and he +immediately replied: + +"I suppose because I'm too green to burn." + +[Illustration] + +While Bob and myself were on the way back to his office we saw a +commotion ahead, and pretty soon a wild-looking citizen rushed up to a +policeman who stood on the curb, and shouted: + +"Officer, officer, I've been robbed, and yonder goes the wretch who +snatched my watch!" + +The vigilant guardian of the peace waved him majestically aside, as he +answered: + +"Don't bother me with such very trifling affairs when I'm timing an +automobile." + +Bob said things had come to a pretty pass when a man's time-piece might +be stolen with impunity because of the necessity for securing the +time-pace of a machine. + +Our walk took us along the Bowery, and as I was passing, a man seemed to +be busily engaged in shoving some bank-bills, together with a +straw-colored ticket into his pocket. I was surprised to hear him give +way to sentiment and exclaim: + +[Illustration: Alone at last!] + +"Alone at last!" + +Just then Bob, with a grin, called my attention to the three golden +balls over the door of the shop from which he had evidently just +emerged, and I tumbled to the game. + +On the corner of Grand Street I was halted for a minute by an Irishman +whom I knew as a steady fellow, a machinist by trade, and with a buxom +better-half who ruled his home like a queen. + +"Sure it's a bit av advice I'd be after beggin' sorr. I'm puzzled to +know phwat to do wid a case loike that," he said, mysteriously. + +"Tell me the circumstances, Mike." + +"Will, it's jist this way, yer honor, the walkin' diligate has ordhered +me to sthroike, and me ould woman tills me to ka-ape on wur-rkin', an' +for me loife I don't know phwat to do." + +[Illustration] + +It was a hard case, and I felt sorry for Mike, but under the +circumstances any advice I might give would have been wasted, for to +tell you the truth, knowing Mrs. Casey as I did, I realized that he was +between the devil and the deep sea. + +I've often wondered how he made out. + +My having been a theatrical man off and on for years, it is nothing out +of the way for me to spend some of my spare time lounging about agencies +where they give out the prizes. + +There is one such on Broadway, and it chanced that in taking up quarters +near the Criterion they were given the telephone number of a fish market +that had moved away. + +This little but significant fact gives rise to occasional mistakes on +the part of housewives who have been in the habit of ordering their +sea-food by wire. + +For instance, when I was in there the other day the bell rang violently, +and a message, loud enough to be heard all over the office, and in a +decidedly feminine voice, came over the wire. + +[Illustration] + +"Send up two quarts of oysters at once." + +"Sorry to say we haven't any just now," said the polite gentleman in the +theatrical office; "but if they would do as well, we have a few fine +lobsters we could let you have, madam." + +Another order came for "crawfish" which were especially desired for +dinner. + +"Sorry," called the agent, "impossible to supply you with crawfish, but +we can send you up a fine lot of assorted coryphees." + +"Coryphees," said a dazed feminine voice, "I don't know what they are--I +said crawfish." + +"Sorry, but crawfish are no good in our business; but we can send up +nice selected coryphees, all dressed--make any dinner go off well." + +"You must be a fool," we heard over the wire, and no doubt the receiver +was slammed into the holder while the lady hurried to get a dictionary +to discover what manner of sea-food coryphees might be. + +Perhaps she found that they might be called nymphs. + +Speaking of nymphs, reminds me of my next-door neighbor, Miss Snappe, +whose tongue is surcharged with cayenne pepper when she is ruffled. + +I remember she once had a squabble with another neighbor, Miss Antique, +and as they had once been good friends, my wife, in her warm-hearted +way, tried to soothe the ruffled plumage of Miss Snappe, and pour oil on +troubled waters. + +[Illustration] + +"Come now," said the dear little peacemaker, "why don't you and Miss +Antique become friends again?" + +"Oh, I don't see the sense of going to all that trouble for her!" + +"But it isn't any more trouble for you to make up, than it is for her." + +"Don't you believe it. She's used to making up, for she's been doing it +for years." + +Nevertheless I've found that same Miss Antique something worth +cultivating, for she possesses more genuine wit than any other woman of +my acquaintance. + +It was only recently the doctor said to her: + +"My dear Miss Antique, you must really take exercise for your health." + +"All right, doctor," she replied, "I will certainly jump at the first +offer." + +[Illustration] + + To win the matrimonial race-- + Oh, all ye maids who try-- + You're lucky if you get a place + Resulting in a tie. + +I remember asking this frisky old maid whether, in her opinion, women +were really as brave as men. + +She gave me a look of scorn. + +"Far braver, sir; if you notice carefully all accounts upon the subject, +you will learn that the scientists who keep on talking with alarm and +even terror concerning the dreadful bacilli in a kiss, are every one of +them males." + +She has also very decided views as to the future of this glorious +country, and while we were discussing the chances of America ever being +dominated by a combined Europe, she said, emphatically: + +"That will never happen, sir, so long as eminent Europeans continue to +marry American girls." + +I agreed with her, knowing from experience what an influence in the +household the average American wife must ever be. + +[Illustration: Rev. Splicem Daly The Torpedo-Boat Minister! Record--30 +Knots an Hour] + +Speaking of marrying brings to my mind a very eccentric old minister out +in Oklahoma at the time the boom was in full progress. + +He was the only parson for miles around, and it kept him busy splicing +couples, for a regular fever seemed to have broken out, and everybody +thought of taking a mate. + +I asked a resident if the stories I had heard about the domine were +true, and that in his wholesale business he had actually married thirty +couples within an hour, that being high-water mark. + +"Yes, stranger," responded the boomer, "and we call him the +'torpedo-boat minister.'" + +"Why so?" + +"Because he made thirty knots an hour." + +By the way, I forgot to tell you several amusing things that happened +while I was down in Dixie. + +When in Alabama, I spent some time with an old friend who owned a big +plantation. + +Among his negro hands was his coachman, who up to that time had +invariably persisted in getting in his vote, despite the plain hints of +the white election officers that he would do better to stay at home. On +that particular Election Day he returned home in the afternoon with a +countenance that looked like it had been taking some familiarities with +a buzz saw. + +"What's the matter, Zack?" I asked, with some solicitude. + +"It's this way, boss; I went up dar to the votin' place, and there wuz +the county undertakah, sah, a-sittin' with a big book open 'foah him, +and he sez to me right sharp like: + +"'What's your name?' + +"'Zack Taylor', I sez, humble. + +"'Let's see?' says the undertakah, and he turned over the leaves of the +book. All of a sudden he stopped turnin' and begin to run his fingers +down the page, mutterin' to himself. + +"'Taylor, Taylor, Taylor, Taylor--Zack.' And pretty soon he hollered +out: + +[Illustration: ELECTION BOOTH + +VOTE HERE] + +"'Heah it iz. You black scoundrel. I dun buried you ten year ago. What +you mean by tryin' to vote?' + +"Just then a passel of white men tuk and threw me out, and den I dun +come home 'fore they could bury me again." + +They were having a genuine old-time revival in the darky church near by, +and of course I went to see the enthusiasm. + +You remember it was at such a place a devout and practical old mammy was +heard to shout: + +"Good Lawd, come down fru de roof, an' I'll pay for de shingles." + +I wanted to see if the affair was all it had been cracked up to be. + +It happened that in order that the revival spirit should be quickened, +it was arranged that the preacher should give a signal when he thought +the excitement was highest, and from the attic through a hole cut in the +ceiling directly over the pulpit, the sexton was to shove a pure white +dove, whose flight around the church and over the heads of the audience +was expected to have an inspiring effect, and, as far as emotional +excitement was concerned, to cap the climax. + +All went well at the start; the church was packed; the preacher's text +was, "In the form of a dove," and as he piled up his eloquent periods +the excitement was strong. + +Then the opportune moment arrived--the signal was given--and the packed +audience was scared out of its wits on looking up to the ceiling and +beholding a cat, with a clothesline around its middle, yowling and +spitting, being lowered over the preacher's head. + +[Illustration] + +The preacher called to the sexton in the attic: + +"Whar's de dove?" + +And the sexton's voice came down through the opening so you could hear +it a block: + +"Inside de cat!" + +But, say, I want to tell you about a genuine farmer that I struck down +South. + +He lived from hand to mouth, was about as ugly a specimen as the sun +ever shone upon, and yet would you believe it this fellow actually +thought himself to be the Robby Burns of Alabama? + +One of his shadow hogs chanced to be wandering on the railway, and, as +sometimes happens, was transformed into bacon ready for the pan. + +Naturally he started to collect damages, even while he smoked the +remains, and here is the result: + +[Illustration] + + "My razorback strolled down your track + A week ago to-day; + Your 29 came down the line + And snuffed his light away. + + "You can't blame me--the hog, you see, + Slipped through a cattle gate; + So kindly pen a check for ten, + The debt to liquidate." + +However, the game didn't pan out as he expected, for there chanced to be +a match for his genius in the office of the railroad, and shortly after +Skeezer received the following poetic reply: + +[Illustration: "Here lies a foolish swine"] + + "Old 29 came down the line + And killed your hog, we know; + But razorbacks on railroad tracks + Quite often meet with woe. + + "Therefore, my friend, we cannot send + The check for which you pine, + Just plant the dead; place o'er his head: + 'Here lies a foolish swine.'" + +As I have said, old Skeezer was always so dilapidated, and his person so +soiled, that he had become a by-word of reproach in the neighborhood. + +Even respectable darkies scorned to be seen in his society, and he found +his only solace among his swine. + +Why, his boy, just turned six, barelegged and far from clean himself, +had some knowledge of his pa's shortcomings. + +[Illustration] + +I proved this to my satisfaction. + +Having some business over at the farm, I went to the house and knocked. + +This little chap came to the door. + +"Is this where Skeezer, Nathan Skeezer, lives?" I asked. + +"It be," he replied. + +"Is he at home?" + +"Reckon he is, sah--you'll find him over yonder cleanin' out the +pigpen." + +I thanked the youngster, and was moving away when he called out: + +"Say, mister, you'll know dad, 'cause he's got his hat on." + +While I'm at it, let me relate an experience I had with homely men, and +I remember it the better because it cost me five dollars. + +I chanced to be on one of the Old Dominion steamers at the time, in +company with Tom Plunger, whose game it was to play the races. + +Tom was a mighty good fellow, and his only fault lay in the fact that he +stuttered dreadfully. + +That's an awful infliction, but it sometimes adds piquancy to a joke, +just as Worcestershire sauce does to your chops. + +We hadn't been long on the water, when I observed a most +remarkable-looking individual pacing the deck. + +I've seen some ill-looking men in my day, but this specimen was surely +the very worst that had ever crossed the scope of my vision, and beat +that old Alabama farmer out of sight. + +I said as much to my friend, whereupon Tom offered to wager a +five-dollar bill that he had seen a worse one in the steerage. + +I at once accepted, and Tom started for his man for comparison. + +[Illustration: BEAUTY SHOW] + +He found the fellow a bit of a wag, as an intolerably homely man is apt +to be, and, after the promise of a nip, nothing loath to exhibit +himself. + +As they appeared on deck, my friend, with an air of conscious triumph, +turned to direct my attention to his companion, who was making sure of +his success by concocting faces. + +"St-st-st-stop!" ordered Tom. "No-no-none of that! You st-st-stay just +as you were made. You ca-ca-ca-ca-can't be beat!" + +And he wasn't. + +It takes an Irishman to be a Job's comforter. + +Patrick Brannagan, whose face was so plain that his friends used to tell +him it was an offense to the landscape, happened to be as poor as he was +homely. + +One day a neighbor met him, and asked: + +"How are you, Pat?" + +"Mighty bad! Sure, 'tis starvation that's starin' me in the face." + +"Begorra!" exclaimed his neighbor, sympathetically, "it can't be very +pleasant for either of yez!" + +Say, have you ever tried the Christian Science cure? It's simply great. + +And the cost is so little, too. + +Apparently there are some people though who can't see things in the +right way. + +[Illustration] + +They simply lack faith. + +I remember when out in the country, I dropped in to see friend Wilkins, +the editor of the local sheet. + +He was endeavoring to give some medicine to his little chap, who writhed +and twisted in contortions. + +Of course it was a case of too many green apples, and I could sympathize +with Teddy. + +We've all been there. + +Now, it happened that a good woman next door had been called in. + +She was a devout Christian Scientist, and the way she assured the boy he +must be deceiving himself, and there could not be anything the matter +with him, would have convinced you or me right away. + +But Teddy stubbornly refused to take comfort. + +"I think I ought to know," he groaned. "I guess I've got inside +information." + +[Illustration] + +Speaking of these fads puts me in mind of the widow McCree, whose +husband when alive was noted as a tough case, but he left her well +provided for, and she tries to make people believe she mourns for him. + +Once she even went to a medium, hoping to hear some message of +consolation from the dear departed. + +But I rather guess that same medium had been acquainted with Billy +during his lifetime. + +"Is there any message from my dear husband?" asked the widow, anxiously. + +"Yes, there is," snapped the medium, "and it's hot stuff, too." + +By the way, on that Old Dominion steamer there was a newly-married +couple--there always is. + +[Illustration] + +I soon discovered that the lady had been something of a yachtswoman, and +seemed perfectly at home on the heaving ocean. + +Not so the newly-made Benedict. + +As soon as the swell off the capes set us to dancing he rushed to the +side and started lightening the ship. + +This he repeated many times, but was too game to seek his berth. + +So, as night came on, they sat there, she chipper as a lark, and he +about as dejected a bridegroom as could be found in seven counties. + +Perhaps she thought a touch of the romantic might get him out of his +mood, so she tried this: + +[Illustration] + +"The moon is up, isn't it, darling?" + +"Yes," I heard him reply, languidly; "that is, if I swallowed it." + +It isn't often that a shrewd lawyer gets two set-backs on the same day. + +Yet I once witnessed such a thing. + +It was in a Western city--never mind the name. + +This lawyer was cross-examining a woman who it seemed was the spouse of +a burglar of considerable notoriety. + +[Illustration] + +It was his intention to shatter her testimony, and he went about it in +the usual browbeating way. + +"Madam, you are the wife of this man?" + +"Yes." + +"You knew he was a burglar when you married him?" + +"Yes." + +"How did you come to contract a matrimonial alliance with such a man?" + +"Well," the witness said, sarcastically, "I was getting old, and I had +to choose between a lawyer and a burglar." + +The cross-examination ended there. + +In the other case, the gentleman of the green bag received even a worse +dose, and he was such a bulldozing character that no one felt sorry. + +"Now, sir," began the attorney, knitting his brows and preparing to +annihilate the witness whom he was about to cross-examine, "you say your +name is Williams? Can you prove that to be your real name? Is there +anybody in the courtroom who can swear that you haven't assumed it for +purposes of fraud and deceit?" + +"I think you can identify me yourself," answered the witness, quietly. + +"I? Where did I ever see you before, sir?" demanded the astonished +lawyer. + +[Illustration] + +"I put that scar over your right eye twenty-five years ago, when you +were stealing peaches out of father's orchard. Yes, I'm the same +Williams." + +Which must have shattered some of the nerve of that same legal +gentleman. + +But that's nothing to the nerve of a Western landlord! One of them roped +me in for fair. You see the blamed hotel burned down while I was there, +and--would you believe it?--the next day I got a bill from the +proprietor for a fire in my room. + +I've been abroad more than once during my checkered career, the last +time with a company that played the "Children of the Ghetto." When it +was staged in New York, in order to get the best effect of the mob scene +the manager went into the New York Ghetto and engaged the real article, +employing at the same time an interpreter to explain to them in Yiddish +the stage directions. The plan was successful. + +But when the production was taken to London we abandoned this scheme. + +The English manager had employed the usual group of cockney supers, and +spent a good deal of English gold in buying make-ups for them. When our +manager saw the lot he was furious. + +"Why," he screamed, "that band of mutts looks like a gang of sneak +thieves trying to dodge the police! They'll ruin the play!--ruin +it!--do you hear me? They'll ruin it! Look at those whiskers!" + +And he yanked off the beard of one of the supers, threw it on the floor +and stamped on it. + +"And look at that wig!" and a bit of false head-dressing followed the +whiskers to the floor, and was shredded under the American's angry heel. +"And that one, too!" Another wig went to destruction. "And that +nose!--that nose!" + +[Illustration] + +Here he made a grab at the very prominent and highly Roman nasal organ +of a very short super, and tweaked it as through he would throw it, too, +to the floor and stamp on it. + +The super's eyes filled with tears, he uttered a cry of pain, +indignantly grabbed and pulled away the manager's wrenchlike fingers, +and then backing away, bowed and explained very humbly: + +"Hi begs your pardon, sir, but that's me hown." + +But, after all, it takes a young woman of the present day, to rub it in +with a free hand. + +There's Miss Gutting, for instance, whose father roped me in on many a +deal on Wall Street. He made his little pile, and of course the daughter +is considered a great catch, and among those who hover about the bright +flame are several young society swells whose brains have never come out +of their swaddling clothes. + +[Illustration: Daughter of millionaire--Great catch--Counts and upward] + +She gave Softleigh an awful jolt the other day when he thought to get +off a poem, which somehow seemed to lose all its point in his hands. + +"I think, Mr. Softleigh, you will become quite a distinguished man if +you live long enough," she said. + +"Ah, thanks, awfully, doncher know. It's very good of you to say that. +By the way, what do you--aw--think I will be distinguished for?" + +"Longevity," said the minx. + +It was cruel, perhaps, but I've no doubt she enjoyed it. + +But Miss Gutting sometimes finds her match in the grim old Wall Street +operator whom she calls papa. + +[Illustration] + +She has a passion for hats, and of course her Easter creation was a +dandy. + +"Isn't it a duck of a hat?" she asked the old gentleman, parading it +before him. + +"Certainly; only I'd call it a pelican," he said, grimly glancing at the +account on his desk, "judging from the size of the bill." + +I suppose you've noticed that I've done a good deal of chin-scratching +to-night. Some people do that when they're thinking hard, but not so +with me. Oh, no, the simple fact is I got shaved by a new barber and I +guess I'll grow a beard in future. Some people say there's lots of +comedy in a barber shop. They mean tragedy. Again some people think +there's poetry in the prattlings of the knight of the brush. I know one +man who thinks different. Little Archie Rickets has a horror of the +tribe and has a scheme to head 'em off. + +Whenever he has to patronize a strange barber during the course of his +travels, it is his invariable custom to immediately hand out a piece of +money before sitting down in the chair, and whisper: + +"Here, put this in your pocket for yourself." + +The barber, delighted of course, always declares that he has never +before received a tip before commencing operations. + +[Illustration] + +Whereupon Rickets will frown and cut him short with: + +"That is not a tip--it's hush money." + +And in every case the barber tumbles to the racket, and puts a lock on +his lips. + +Rickets was telling me the other day about a wonderful bookkeeper his +father used to have in his office. + +"An all-around athlete," he declared, with a grin. + +"Indeed," I replied, knowing he had a card up his sleeve, for Rickets is +quite prone to have his little joke. + +[Illustration] + +"Yes, indeed," he continued, "you ought to have seen him balancing the +books. Why, he could keep the day-book in the air while he juggled the +ledger on his nose and totaled up the journal with either right or left +hand. Oh, he was fine, but pop had to let him go." + +"How was that?" I asked. + +"He was too much of an adept at the horizontal bar." + +"Yes," I remarked, "that same bar has doubtless been the cause of many a +fine fellow's downfall. But it is becoming the fashion now among men who +lead a strenuous life to give up their tippling. I was just reading that +Santos Dumont, the celebrated Brazilian air-ship navigator, does not +indulge at all." + +"Quite right," remarked Rickets, soberly; "probably he is afraid of +taking a drop too much." + +There's poor old Juggins, who used to be a great friend of mine till he +took to drink. + +I knew he would get his desserts if he continued his habit of a +periodical spree, and the other day sure enough he turned up in the pen +when the cases of drunk and disorderly were called. + +"Officer," said the police-court judge, "what made you think the +prisoner was drunk?" + +[Illustration] + +"Well, your honor, as he was going along the sidewalk he ran plump into +a street lamppost. He backed away, replaced his hat on his head, and +firmly started forward again, but once more ran into the post. + +"Four times he tried to get by the post, but each time his uncertain +steps took him right into the iron pole. + +"After the fourth attempt and failure to pass the post he backed off, +fell to the pavement, and clutching his head in his hands, murmured, as +one lost to all hope: + +"'Lost! Lost in an impenetrable forest.'" + +"Ten days;" said the court. + +Juggins has been given to this sort of thing ever since he lost his +chance of marrying a belle in Washington, and the daughter of a rich +senator. + +As a newspaper man Juggins was rather free with his criticism of public +men and measures, and one of his letters, written before he became +infatuated with the young lady in question, had rubbed it in so hard +that the senator had gone to the trouble of finding out just who the +writer was. + +His hour of revenge arrived when Juggins summoned up courage to ask for +his daughter's hand. + +Then he arose in all his awful majesty. + +"Only a year ago, Mr. Juggins, you referred to me emphatically as an old +pirate," he said. + +Juggins was naturally overwhelmed. + +His sins had found him out. + +[Illustration] + +Of course he tried to stammer out excuses, and how he had regretted his +indiscreet act ever since. + +"No, I'm not a pirate, Mr. Juggins, I wish you to distinctly understand +that--I'm only a sort of freebooter. This (biff-bing) won't cost you a +cent." + +And Juggins went out of that senatorial mansion a sadder and a wiser +man. + +That was why he took to drink. + +I've known the poor fellow to have the delirium tremens, and see all +manner of goblins. + +Did you ever run across a ghost, any of you? + +Not the nicest experience in the world. + +Perhaps you'd like to hear of an exciting adventure in that line that +once befell me. + +I was out West at the time, traveling on horseback, and pulled up at a +tavern when night came on. + +There I learned to my chagrin that as a crowd was attending the +races--it was in Kentucky, of course--the landlord did not have a +single place to stow me. + +When I pressed the old chap, he admitted that there was one unoccupied +room. + +"But," he said, "no one can sleep in that room, for it's haunted. You +must go on to the next village." + +[Illustration] + +"I'll sleep in the room, ghost or no ghost," I declared, determined to +go no further, as it promised to be a stormy night. + +The landlord tried to persuade me; but I had established myself over the +fire and called for supper. + +Reluctantly the landlord gave orders to prepare the haunted chamber. + +Meantime I was enlightened by the other guests as to the nature of the +ghostly visitant. + +Every night at a certain hour a sepulchral voice was heard outside the +casement, saying: + +"Do you want to be shaved?" + +"And then, what happens?" I demanded. + +No one could certainly say. + +The last gentleman who slept in the room had fled, shrieking, on hearing +the voice, and had spent the rest of his days in an asylum. + +Some said that if you allowed the ghostly barber to approach and +commence operations on your chin, your throat would infallibly be cut. + +Fortified by this information, I retired early to rest, leaving the +company engaged in an exciting game at cards, each with his pile of cash +on the table before him. + +Waking up from my first sleep, a hoarse, croaking sound seemed to come +from the casement. + +To my half-awakened senses the sound seemed to take form in the words: + +"Do you want to be shaved?" + +I jumped up and went to the window. The creaking branch of an old pear +tree was swaying in the wind and scraping against the sash. This was the +origin of the ghostly voice. + +"What about those fellows downstairs?" I immediately asked myself, not +thinking it fair that I should enjoy all of the fun. + +I went to the door and listened. They were still at their cards. + +[Illustration] + +So I dressed myself up in a sheet, took my razor in one hand, and a +well-lathered brush in the other, and went downstairs. + +Opening the door of the room where the card-players were still eagerly +engaged in their game, I looked around. Every eye was fixed on me in +terror. Advancing a step into the room, I waved my razor, and said, in a +hoarse voice: + +"Do you want to be shaved?" + +[Illustration] + +There was a general stampede for the opposite door, and the ghost was +left in possession. I walked around the table, and swept the various +piles of money into my pocket. Retiring to bed, I slept soundly till the +next morning. When I came down to breakfast, eager inquiries were made +by the others as to what had happened. + +"Well," I answered, "there was some one came, and asked, 'Do you want to +be shaved?' So I said, 'No, I don't; but there are some chaps downstairs +who do.'" + +That's as near as I ever got to meeting a spectre. + +But I have seen a dead man galvanized into life. + +This is the way it happened. + +It was on the stage. + +We were playing Juliet at the time. I used to affect Shakespeare when I +was young and foolish. + +Paris had been duly slain, and Juliet lay stretched upon her bier. + +[Illustration] + +Just then a portion of the scenery caught fire somehow, but some of us +behind managed to extinguish it before much damage was done. + +Juliet, with commendable presence of mind, did not move an eyelid, but +the corpse of Paris was plainly nervous. + +He raised himself to a sitting posture, gazing up at the fire in alarm, +then scrambled to his feet and scuttled off the stage, the liveliest +dead man you ever saw. + +The danger being removed, his courage returned, and the audience +shrieked with laughter at the spectacle of a corpse crawling along from +the wings bent upon taking up his proper position for the final curtain. + +[Illustration] + +I was around with the editor of the New York "Flapdoodle" yesterday, +working up a sensational item about myself, when I heard a crash in the +composing room. The editor and I dashed upstairs and found that a +nervous printer had dropped the form of the first page and pied the +whole business. The editor looked grimly at the wretch, and then +remarked, mournfully: + +"I wish you had broken the news more gently." + +Now, we've got our quick-change artists on the stage, but to tell you +the honest truth, I believe they can't hold a candle to some in private +life. + +There's Mrs. Stubb, for instance. You know her husband likes an +occasional quiet game with the boys--the trouble is he is too confiding. + +That sort of people always run up against a buzz saw for their pains. + +"Maria," he said, penitently, one morning at breakfast, "last night I +played poker and"---- + +"Played poker!" interrupted Mrs. Stubb. "How dare you spend your money +gambling, sir!" + +[Illustration] + +"As I was saying, I played poker and won enough to buy you a set of +furs"---- + +"You did? Oh, John, you are so good! I knew those sharps could not get +the best of you." + +"And just as I was about to quit I dropped it all and fifty more." + +"You brute! To think I should have married a gambler!" + +I'm really sorry for Stubb. + +He's a good fellow in the main, too, though somewhat henpecked at home. + +You see he's at the head of a big syndicate, and lately the rumor went +around that they might sell out if the right customer turned up. + +I chanced to know this, and believed I could bring in a man who would +pay their price. + +It turned out that he also represented a company. + +"Well," said Stubb, finally, "our price is just $150,000, not one cent +less." + +[Illustration: GREAT OPPORTUNITY! BARGAIN! $149,999.99 MARKED DOWN FROM +$150,000!!!] + +"Make it just that much less," suggested the promotor, "and I think we +can cinch the deal." + +"How do you mean?" + +"Make it $149,999.99. The head of our syndicate is a woman." + +Stubb always prided himself on what he was pleased to call his wonderful +gift of reading character. + +I've often wondered how such a genius ever came to make such a mistake +before he married. + +But then love, they say, is blind. + +And like Rip Van Winkle's drink, that one didn't count. + +To tell you the truth he was a pretty good hand at guessing character, +and I've known him to tell five out of six men's occupation or trade +just by keen analysis of their appearances and actions. + +[Illustration] + +Of course Stubb went in for reading all such books as Sherlock Holmes. + +"After all," he said to me one day as we rode in a Broadway car, "it is +really a very simple thing; requires nothing but close observation. + +"For instance, it is easy to tell a man's occupation. + +"His facial expression, his actions, even his dress, are stamped by his +daily work. + +[Illustration: NO TALKING ALLOWED] + +"You see that man sitting opposite us? Well, I am just as sure as though +he had told me that he is a barber." + +"You are mistaken," I replied, quickly. "That man is a butcher." + +"Impossible!" exclaimed Stubb. "You never saw a butcher with slim, white +hands, like his?" + +"Perhaps not," I admitted, shaking my head, "but he is a butcher just +the same." + +"How do you know he is?" + +"How do I know? Faith, I have very good reasons for persisting in my +assertions, since the scoundrel shaved me once." + +Our last servant girl is a daisy. + +Only yesterday morning I heard my wife ask her why she left the +alarm-clock on the kitchen table all night alongside the buckwheat +batter. + +[Illustration] + +"Sure, mum, so it would know what time to rise." + +Her brother Mike has a saloon down on the Bowery. + +The other day I went in to give him a message from Nora, and found him +examining some sort of patent contraption guaranteed, if fastened in the +furnace smokepipe, to effect a wonderful saving in the consumption of +coal. + +And just then such a thing was an object in New York, with hard coal +soaring out of reach. + +[Illustration] + +"And you say that wid wan av these patent dampers in me sthovepipe I'd +save half me coal?" Mike was saying as I went in. + +"That's it. It will do the work every time and save half your coal +bill," declared the agent, eagerly. + +"All right," says Mike, "thin, be jabers, phwat's the matter wid me +takin' two and savin' the whole av it?" + +[Illustration] + +Riding uptown on the elevated the other night, I noticed a parson +sitting on one of the cross-seats, and he was evidently trying to extend +sympathy to the cadaverous-looking young man who sat opposite him. + +"Pardon me, sir," said the churchman; "but you look worn out. You know +he who dissipates----" + +"No, parson, it ain't dissipation. The truth is I'm most dead. I had +about forty letters to write this afternoon." + +"Why didn't you dictate them?" asked the parson. + +"No typewriter." + +"What's become of her?" + +"I married her." + +"Get another." + +"Can't." + +"Why not?" + +"Costs too much to live now." + +I can sympathize with that poor fellow. + +[Illustration] + +Ah, me! What life was like in those old, old bachelor days, when a +million hearts were at my feet. My wife came to me only this morning +with an angelic smile on her face and, pointing to a book she held open, +she said: + +[Illustration] + +"George, dear, I have a little surprise for you. I have been going +around among the girls who knew you before we were married and I have +put down here the names of all those women you have kissed, and I'm +going to ask you to give me a dollar for every kiss." + +I had to pawn my watch to settle that terrible bill. + +Talking about old days, when I was in budding manhood I thought I was in +budding poethood as well. I wrote a little ballad for a grocery clerk, +and he was so effusive he made me blush. But the glad hand he gave me +started me on the road to ruin. By some strange freak of fortune, I +butted up against a real live versifier who had actually had his lines +printed. + +[Illustration] + +"Keep at it, my young friend," he said to me. "That's the only way to +win. The railroad magnates are the first persons to recognize real +genius. Why, before I was seventy years old, I was travelling on a +pass!" + +[Illustration] + +I steered away, for I reckoned if I'd have to wait till I was +three-score-and-ten before passes came my way I wouldn't need 'em then. + +I walked to a neighboring village and bribed the editor of the local +paper to print a five-line poem which I had written. The poem was +entitled "To Hell," and was pretty hot stuff for a youngster. Next day +I trotted off to the paper office to preserve the original manuscript. +As I was leaving some one shouted: + +[Illustration] + +"That's the villiain, Jake, that makes love to your wife by writin' +poetry to her." + +"Aha!" roared Jake, "that 'ar shunk! the fellow what wrote the poem +about Nell! Whoop!" + +I caught a flash of a big farmer getting his gun in position. I waited +for no more, but did a flying scoot. + +Great Scot! There's the stage bell. I'll have to shut down, or the +manager will be here with a club. Ting-ting! + +[Illustration: Good Night!] + + + + +Peaceful Valley + +_From the Drama_ + +By E. E. Kidder + + +One of the most pleasing and touching narratives of country life ever +written. Every reader will be thoroughly enraptured by Hosea's devotion +to his sweetheart and his mother. + +Price, 25c. + + Illustrated with handsome, full-page half-tones. Sol Smith Russell + as Hosea. + +At all newsdealers, or sent, postpaid, by the publishers upon receipt of +price and 4c. additional to cover postage. + + +STREET & SMITH, + +_Publishers_, + +238 William St., New York City. + + + + +Ainslee's in 1904 + + +An extremely rare occurrence for the publishers of a magazine is to find +themselves embarrassed by the obligation imposed by the degree and +quality of prosperity that has attended AINSLEE'S during the past year. +Such prosperity brings with it an obligation in a very real sense, for +it means that in what has actually been accomplished in the past, there +is implied a promise to the public and to the literary world, of a +continued development toward what is best and most wholesome in fiction, +poetry and essays. Here are some of the more familiar names: + + JACK LONDON, EDGAR SALTUS, + E. F. BENSON, CHAS. BATTELL LOOMIS, + JUSTUS MILES FORMAN, BARONESS VON HUTTEN, + JOHN D. BARRY, JOSEPHINE DIXON, + J. J. BELL, BLISS CARMAN, + GERTRUDE ATHERTON, ARTHUR STRINGER, + E. NESBIT, FRANK D. SHERMAN, + HAROLD MACGRATH, ELLA WHEELER WILCOX, + RICHARD LE GALLIENNE, ARTHUR KETCHUM, + O. HENRY, EDMUND VANCE COOKE, + POULTNEY BIGELOW, S. E. KISER, + ELIZABETH DUER, JOHN VANCE CHENEY, + GUY WETMORE CARRYL, JOHN B. TABB, + JOSEPH C. LINCOLN, CLINTON SCOLLARD, + MRS. BURTON HARRISON, And Others. + +It will thus be seen that in 1904 there will be plenty of quality to go +along with the greatest quantity of reading matter to be found in any +other magazine published at any price. + +During the coming year special attention will be paid to the cover +designs of AINSLEE'S. Such well-known artists as =Henry Hutt=, =Edward +Penfield=, =A. B. Wenzell=, =Thomas Mitchell Pierce=, =Harrison Fisher=, +and others, will contribute to help the magazine to a pleasing and +appropriate outside appearance. Don't fail to read AINSLEE'S. You may +safely recommend it to your friends as well. + +The Ainslee Magazine Co., _New York_ + + + + + * * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's note: + +Apparent spelling errors within dialogue have been left unchanged on the +assumption that they are intentional dialect. + +Page 3, changed "its" to "it's" in "I suppose it's all right." + +Page 4, changed "aint" to "ain't." + +Page 13, added missing close quote after "home with me." + +Page 43, changed "its" to "it's" in two places. + +Page 56, changed "its" to "it's" in "it's jist this way." + +Page 65, changed "Hear" to "Here" in "Here lies a foolish swine." +Illustration was correct; error was in typeset text. + +Page 70, added missing "I" to the beginning of the sentence "I soon +discovered that the lady..." + +Page 80, changed "Of couse" to "Of course." + +Page 87, removed duplicate "a" from "was a a pretty good hand." + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42122 *** |