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diff --git a/42103-8.txt b/42103-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index b344441..0000000 --- a/42103-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1497 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of April Fools, by W. F. Chapman - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: April Fools - A farce in one act for three male characters - -Author: W. F. Chapman - -Release Date: February 16, 2013 [EBook #42103] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK APRIL FOOLS *** - - - - -Produced by Dianna Adair, Paul Clark and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - - Transcriber's Note: - - Every effort has been made to replicate this text as faithfully as - possible, including some inconsistencies of hyphenation. - - This is very strange. Can there he a mis-- - - has been changed to - - This is very strange. Can there be a mis-- - - Italic text has been marked with _underscores_. - Bold text has been marked with =equals signs=. - => and <= represent pointing hands. - - - - - ROORBACH'S - AMERICAN - EDITION - of ACTING PLAYS. - - APRIL FOOLS. - - PRICE 15 Cents - - No. 26. - - HAROLD ROORBACH. - PUBLISHER, - NEW YORK. - - -COPYRIGHT, 1889, BY HAROLD ROORBACH - -Roorbach's full Descriptive Catalogue of Dramas, Comedies, Comediettas, -Farces, Tableaux-vivants, Guide-books, Novel Entertainments for Church, -School and Parlor Exhibitions, etc., containing complete and explicit -information, will be sent to any address on receipt of a stamp for -return postage. Address as above. - - - - -ROORBACH'S AMERICAN EDITION. - -PRICE, 15 CENTS EACH. - - - This series embraces the best of plays, suited to the present time. The - reprints have been rigidly compared with the original acting copies, - so that absolute purity of text and stage business is _warranted_. - Each play is furnished with an introduction of the greatest value to - the stage manager, containing the argument or synopsis of incidents, - complete lists of properties and costumes, diagrams of the stage - settings and practicable scene-plots, with the fullest stage - directions. They are handsomely printed from new electrotype plates, - in readable type, on fine paper. Their complete introductions, - textual accuracy, and mechanical excellence render these books far - superior in every respect to all editions of acting plays hitherto - published. - - 1. =ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD.= A comic drama in two acts. Six - male, three female characters. Time, two hours. - - 2. =A SCRAP OF PAPER.= A comic drama in three acts. Six male, six - female characters. Time, two hours. - - 3. =MY LORD IN LIVERY.= A farce in one act. Five male, three female - characters. Time, fifty minutes. - - 4. =CABMAN No. 93.= A farce in one act. Two male, two female - characters. Time, forty minutes. - - 5. =MILKY WHITE.= A domestic drama in two acts. Four male, two female - characters. Time, one hour and three quarters. - - 6. =PARTNERS FOR LIFE.= A comedy in three acts. Seven male, four female - characters. Time, two hours. - - 7. =WOODCOCK'S LITTLE GAME.= A comedy-farce in two acts. Four male, - four female characters. Time, one hour. - - 8. =HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW.= A farce in one act. Four male, two - female characters. Time, thirty-five minutes. - - 9. =LADY AUDLEY'S SECRET.= A drama in two acts. Four male, three female - characters. Time, one hour and a quarter. - - 10. =NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL.= A comedy in three acts. Six male, five - female characters. Time, one hour and forty minutes. - - 11. =WHICH IS WHICH?= A comedietta in one act. Three male, three female - characters. Time, fifty minutes. - - 12. =ICI ON PARLE FRANÇAIS.= A farce in one act. Three male, four - female characters. Time, forty-five minutes. - - 13. =DAISY FARM.= A drama in four acts. Ten male, four female - characters. Time, two hours and twenty minutes. - - 14. =MARRIED LIFE.= A comedy in three acts. Five male, five female - characters. Time, two hours. - - 15. =A PRETTY PIECE OF BUSINESS.= A comedietta in one act. Two male, - three female characters. Time, fifty minutes. - - 16. =LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS.= A farce in one act. Five male, two female - characters. Time, one hour. - - 17. =UNCLE TOM'S CABIN.--Original Version.= A drama in six acts. - Fifteen male, seven female characters. Time, three hours. - - 18. =UNCLE TOM'S CABIN.--New Version.= A drama in five acts. Seven - male, five female characters. Time, two hours and a quarter. - - 19. =LONDON ASSURANCE.= A comedy in five acts. Ten male, three female - characters. Time, two hours and three quarters. - - 20. =ATCHI!= A comedietta in one act. Three male, two female - characters. Time, forty minutes. - - 21. =WHO IS WHO?= A farce in one act. Three male, two female - characters. Time, forty minutes. - - 22. =THE WOVEN WEB.= A drama in four acts. Seven male, three female - characters. Time, two hours and twenty minutes. - -=> _Any of the above will be sent by mail, post-paid, to any address, on -receipt of the price._ - - -HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 9 Murray St., New York. - - - - - APRIL FOOLS - - A FARCE IN ONE ACT - FOR THREE MALE CHARACTERS - - BY - W. F. CHAPMAN - - Copyright, 1890, by Harold Roorbach. - - [Illustration] - - NEW YORK - HAROLD ROORBACH - PUBLISHER - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - -APRIL FOOLS. - - - - -CAST OF CHARACTERS. - - - MR. PETER DUNNBROWNE _A gentleman with several marriageable - daughters._ - MR. JAMES SMITH _Who wants to buy a horse._ - MR. JOSEPH SMITH _An undertaker._ - - TIME OF REPRESENTATION--THIRTY MINUTES. - - -ARGUMENT OF THE PLAY. - -MR. PETER DUNNBROWNE, a gentleman with several unmarried daughters on -his hands, receives a note from MR. JOHN SMITH proposing for his -daughter Fanny. Presently MR. JAMES SMITH calls, he having received a -letter announcing that Mr. D's mare Fanny is for sale, and an amusing -dialogue at cross purposes ensues. This disposed of, MR. JOSEPH SMITH, -an undertaker, calls, he having been notified that Miss Fanny had -suddenly died, and another puzzle follows. Finally it is discovered that -the letters are all in the same handwriting, and that the receivers have -all been made the victims of an April joke. - - -COSTUMES. - -DUNNBROWNE.--Everyday suit. - -JAMES SMITH.--Very loud "horsey" dress. Carries hat and cane. - -JOSEPH SMITH.--Shabby black suit, old black silk hat, black gloves, -rusty old cotton umbrella. - - -PROPERTIES. - -Newspaper and several letters on table. Large black bordered letter for -JOSEPH SMITH. One letter each for JAMES SMITH and DUNNBROWNE to produce. -Bottle containing cold tea to represent wine, corkscrew and two glasses -for DUNNBROWNE to bring on. - - -SCENE. - -[Illustration] - -SCENE.--DUNNBROWNE'S parlor. Doors R. and L. Table C., with chairs R. -and L. of it. - -N. B.--A set scene is not essential, and may be dispensed with if -preferred. - - -STAGE DIRECTIONS. - -In observing, the player is supposed to face the audience. R. means -right; L., left; C., centre; R. C., right of centre; L. C., left of -centre; R. D., right door; L. D., left door; UP STAGE, towards the back; -DOWN STAGE, towards the audience. - -[Illustration] - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - -APRIL FOOLS. - - - =Scene.=--_DUNNBROWNE'S parlor._ =Entrances= _R. and L. Table, C. - Chairs R. and L. of table. Newspaper and letters on the table._ - -=Dunnbrowne.= (_without_) Well, good morning, my dears, (_shows himself -in the doorway R._) Don't be away all the morning, and _do_ be merciful -in your purchases. (_enters R._) Happy is the man who is not troubled -with a trio of beautiful daughters, who are incessantly going out -shopping. My daughters seem to take a delight in spending my money. I -suppose they act upon the principle that, if a thing is worth doing at -all it is worth doing well, and as shopping is their chief and only -occupation, they strive, and I may add, succeed, to do it as well as any -young ladies in this mundane sphere possibly could. (_sits R._) I find -it of no use whatever to expostulate with them about what I consider -their extravagance in dress, for they argue that as they do all the -buying and I do all the paying, it is nothing but a right and proper -division of labor. Now let me see what trouble has come to me through -that prodigious engine of commerce, the post office, this morning. -(_opens a letter_) Another bill from Messrs. Newshape and Whitestraw, -the milliners! It is only two weeks since I paid them $25. (_looks at -the bill_)--$37.50 for millinery! Enough to provide me with hats for -twenty years. (_opens another letter_) More bills! This is Mrs. -Goodfit's bill for dressmaking: forty dollars. (_throws the bill on the -table_) Oh, this is going a little beyond all reason. The fact of the -matter is, I shall be ruined if this sort of thing is not stopped. -(_walks across the room two or three times--then pauses_) I wish some -kind, upright and steady young men of affluent means would come forward -and take one or two of my daughters off my hands. I'm sure they would -make excellent wives. (_sits R.,--takes another letter_) I am almost -afraid to open this one; but I may as well know the extent of my trouble -at once--suspense is useless--so here goes. (_opens the letter_) What's -this? (_reads it over rapidly in silence_) How opportune! This is -precisely what I have long been wishing for. (_reads_) "Dear sir,--For a -long period of time I have fondly and madly loved your daughter Fanny, -with a passion that would require the prolific brain of a poet to -describe, but I have never had the courage to declare my passion to -her." Well, that _is_ astonishing. If I had known of this before I -should have avoided paying some of her bills, for I would have had them -married long ago. (_reads_) "My object in writing you is to inform you -that I shall call upon you to-morrow morning, when I trust you will -favor me with an interview." An interview! I'll favor him with forty -interviews if he will only take one of my daughters off my hands. -(_reads_) "My means are amply sufficient to justify my taking a wife, so -I trust you will not throw cold water on my hopes, but make me eternally -happy by giving your consent to our union." Throw cold water on his -hopes! By no means. If _warm_ water will help to bring about the desired -effect he shall have gallons of it. (_reads_) "Hoping you will carefully -consider this matter and ultimately arrive at a favorable decision, I am -yours respectfully, John Smith." (_folding the letter_) John Smith, -umph! Now, the question that arises is, who _is_ this John Smith? John -Smiths are almost as numerous as flies around a sugar-bowl, but _I_ -don't happen to be acquainted with any of them. However, I shall not be -any wiser by wondering who he is, so I shall wait patiently until he -calls. In the meantime I will take a walk around the garden, (_goes to -door R.--calls_) Jane, I am going into the garden. If anyone calls, show -him in here and let me know immediately. (_goes to the table_) -By-the-bye I must put these bills out of sight. If John Smith chances to -see them they might set him thinking of what he will have to pay when he -gets married, and be the means of making him alter his mind. (_puts the -letters in his pocket_) - - =Exit= L. - - =Enter=, JAMES SMITH, R. - -=Smith.= (_speaks at the entrance_) Very well. I'll find a seat if you -will find your master. (=Enters=--_looks around--sits, R._) I wonder -what sort of a fellow this Dunnbrowne is. I don't know anything about -_him_, but he knows something about _me_ or how would he be aware of the -fact that I am in want of a mare. I hope there is no blunder about the -affair. I don't see how there can be, though. The letter is addressed to -me all fair and square, and this is the address the letter is dated from -(_takes a letter from his pocket and reads_) "2, Belverley Terrace, -Hedgetown, March 31st. Mr. Smith. Dear sir,--A friend of mine informs me -that you are in want of a good mare, so I take the liberty of writing -you to say that I wish to dispose of my thoroughbred dark bay mare -Fanny. She has splendid action, and is in good condition. If you think -she may suit you, I shall be at home in the morning, and will be glad to -see you and give you any information respecting her soundness, &c. Yours -truly, Peter Dunnbrowne." Oh, it's all right. There cannot be any error -about that--of course not. I am rather fond of the name of Fanny. I had -a mare of that name some years ago, and she was a perfect stunner. -(_replaces the letter in his pocket_) I wonder what price he wants for -her. I am not particular to a few dollars if she's a good goer. (_takes -up the newspaper_) What is there fresh in the paper this morning? Ah, -another breach of promise case, I see. $500 damages. Poor fellow. Nobody -will catch me at that game. Marriage is out of my line altogether. I -always drive clear of the ladies. (_turns the paper over--reads_) - - =Enter=, DUNN., L. - -=Dunn.= (_aside_) So this is John Smith, my would-be son-in-law. He -appears to make himself quite at home. (_coming to the front, aloud_) -Good morning, sir. Mr. Smith, I presume. (_extending his hand. SMITH -hastily puts the newspaper down--rises and shakes hands_) - -=Smith.= Good morning, Mr. Dunnbrowne, how do you do, sir; how _do_ you -do? Delighted to make your acquaintance, sir. Fine morning this, isn't -it? _Very_ fine morning indeed. - -=Dunn.= (_aside_) He doesn't seem at all bashful. - -=Smith.= I beg your pardon? Ah, I thought you were speaking. You _are_ -well, I suppose? - -=Dunn.= Ye--yes, I am quite well, thank you, Mr. Smith, how are you? - -=Smith.= I'm _very_ well, sir, very well indeed; in fact I am never -troubled with any complaint excepting the complaints of my groom, and he -is always full of them--servants usually are. - -=Dunn.= (_aside_) Groom! he keeps a horse, then. He must be pretty well -to do. (_aloud_) Take a seat, sir. (_they both sit, DUNN., L., SMITH, -R._) - -=Smith.= Thanks. So you are desirous of disposing of Fanny, Mr. -Dunnbrowne? - -=Dunn.= (_aside_) Disposing of her! (_aloud_) Well er--that is _one_ way -of putting it, but I scarcely like to----(_pause_) - -=Smith.= Oh, I quite understand your feelings, sir. You have grown quite -fond of her, and now you find it rather hard to part with her; but -you'll soon get over that. I've parted with several in my time. Excuse -my asking, sir, but what are your reasons for parting with her? Do you -find her too expensive? - -=Dunn.= Well er--rather; and as I have three of them to keep -I----(_pause_) - -=Smith.= I see--you thought you could possibly spare one of them. Well -now, what are her good points? Is she good at jumping walls or fences? - -=Dunn.= (_aside_) Walls! Fences! - -=Smith.= Can she clear a five-barred gate nicely? - -=Dunn.= (_smiling_) Well, er--I really could not answer that question. -Jumping is an accomplishment that I----(_pause_) - -=Smith.= Perhaps you never tried her at that sort of thing. You ought -to, sir, it's fine sport. The last I had was a perfect stunner at it. - -=Dunn.= (_aside_) The last he had! He has been married before, then--a -widower, evidently. - -=Smith.= She turned a little stubborn occasionally, though, and has -thrown me over her head two or three times. - -=Dunn.= (_aside_) Bless me! what a powerful woman she must have been. - -=Smith.= I cured her of that nasty trick after she had repeated it a -time or two, I did so. I gave her the lash pretty freely. - -=Dunn.= (_aside_) Why, the man is nothing less than a wife-beater. - -=Smith.= She soon found out who was master. There's nothing so effective -as the whip to cure stubbornness, sir, nothing at all. - -=Dunn.= I suppose not; but don't you think that kind of treatment is -rather too harsh? - -=Smith.= Oh, dear no; on the contrary, I think a little now and again -does them a power of good. - -=Dunn.= (_aside_) What a hard hearted fellow he must be. He will have to -alter his opinions before he marries my daughter, that he will. -(_aloud_) I may tell you, Mr. Smith, that if I thought you would -ill-treat Fanny at all, I should not allow you to take her. - -=Smith.= Don't be afraid of that, my dear sir. I should not ill-treat -her if it were not necessary. Does she shy at all when she is out? - -=Dunn.= Shy! That is a peculiar question to ask about a---- - -=Smith.= Not at all, Mr. Dunnbrowne. I like to know what I am getting. -If I take her from you and find that she shies at anything I shall get -rid of her without delay. I shall indeed. - -=Dunn.= (_aside_) Well, that _is_ cool. He has the impudence to tell me -that he would "get rid" of my daughter. I am beginning to dislike this -fellow. - -=Smith.= You see, Mr. Dunnbrowne, I want one who will go ahead in the -face of everything--a regular fast one that's the sort. - -=Dunn.= (_aside_) What peculiar taste some men have! - -=Smith.= Is Fanny ever troubled with corns? - -=Dunn.= Corns, sir, _corns_? No! - -=Smith.= I am glad of that. I don't care to see them walking lame in the -slightest. It quite spoils their appearance. Is she quite sound in every -other respect? - -=Dunn.= Well, yes, I never heard her complain. (_aside_) What odd -questions he asks! - -=Smith.= She does not cough or wheeze, Mr. Dunnbrowne, does she? She is -not broken-winded at all, is she? - -=Dunn.= Broken-winded! I don't understand you, Mr. Smith. Why do you ask -so many absurd questions about her? You are not obliged to have her if -you don't choose to. - -=Smith.= I am perfectly aware of that, sir. I am simply asking fair -questions. As I said before, I want to know what I am getting. I don't -want to make a blind bargain. Can I see her now? - -=Dunn.= Not at present--she is out. - -=Smith.= Taking exercise, I suppose. Well now, Mr. Dunnbrowne, I'll tell -you what I will do. I will take her a month on trial. - -=Dunn.= You'll what, sir? You--you'll take her a month on trial! What -the dickens do you mean? How _dare_ you propose such a thing to me, sir! -(_rises_) - -=Smith.= Simply because I consider that it is the fairest way of dealing -in transactions of this sort. (_DUNN. walks across stage_) You have no -occasion to be vexed at my proposal. I give you my word that I will -treat her kindly and pay all expenses during the month, and if she does -not suit me I will return her. That is fair and square for both parties, -don't you think so? - -=Dunn.= No, sir, I do _not_ think so. If you have a notion that I--the -parent of three blooming daughters--am willing to permit you to trifle -and play with the affections of the eldest of them in the manner you -have so basely proposed, I must ask you to dispel that notion at once -and forever, for you never labored under a greater mistake in your life, -never. - -=Smith.= Now there is just a little bit of sentiment in that speech, and -I must admit that you delivered it in a fair dramatic style, Mr. -Dunnbrowne, but you see the general effect is marred by my not knowing -what you are driving at. What _do_ you mean? - -=Dunn.= Mean, sir, mean? I _think_ I explained myself sufficiently. - -=Smith.= Scarcely. You volunteer some remarks about your daughters. Now, -with all the respect that is due to those young ladies, I must ask you -to put your parental feelings aside for a short time, and proceed with -the business we have on hand. Ladies are out of my line altogether. -Between you and me, Mr. Dunnbrowne, I am not a marrying man. - -=Dunn.= Not a marrying man! Then what under the sun did you write me -that letter for respecting your love for my daughter, eh? - -=Smith.= Write you? Why, I never heard your name before this morning. - -=Dunn.= (_aside_) This is very strange. Can there be a mis--(_aloud_) -Your name _is_ Smith, is it not? - -=Smith.= Yes, that is my name. - -=Dunn.= Ah! (_takes a letter from his pocket and unfolds it_) Now tell -me, Mr. Smith, on your honor as a gentleman, did you or did you not -write that letter to me? (_giving the letter to SMITH_) - -=Smith.= (_reads_) "Dear sir,--for a long period of time I have fondly -and madly loved your daughter Fanny with--" Oh, rubbish! On my honor as -a gentleman, Mr. Dunnbrowne, I never loved _any_ man's daughter, much -less wrote this letter; besides, it is signed John Smith and my name is -_James_. (_returns the letter_) - -=Dunn.= (_aside_) I cannot understand this at all. (_aloud_) As you are -_not_ the Mr. Smith I took you for, and have _not_ come to see me about -my daughter, perhaps you will inform me what you _did_ come for. - -=Smith.= What I came for? Well, that's not bad for you after listening -to all I have said. Have you forgotten that you wrote me saying you had -a mare to dispose of? - -=Dunn.= Wrote you about a mare! - -=Smith.= What a forgetful man you must be. (_takes letter from his -pocket--opens it and gives it to DUNN., who looks it over_) That is the -letter; perhaps it will recall the circumstance to mind. - -=Dunn.= I have not written this, sir. (_keeps the letter in his hand_) - -=Smith.= You have not? On your honor as a gentleman? - -=Dunn.= On my honor as a gentleman. - -=Smith.= That's curious. Have you not got a mare to dispose of? - -=Dunn.= No; more than that I never possessed one or a horse either. - -=Smith.= Then why did you not say so before? You answered my questions -about the mare Fanny and---- - -=Dunn.= Because I thought you were speaking of my daughter. You see I am -expecting a Mr. Smith here this morning--the writer of the letter I have -shown you--who is anxious to pay his addresses to my daughter Fanny. As -he is a perfect stranger to me, and as you answered to the name of -Smith, I naturally thought you were the gentleman I expected, hence the -confusion. - -=Smith.= There is something very peculiar about this affair that -I----(_a knock is heard at the door, R. DUNN. puts SMITH'S letter on the -table--goes to the door and opens it. Short pause_) - -=Dunn.= What name did you say? Oh, Smith. Ah, yes, it's all right, Jane, -show him in. (_turns to JAMES SMITH_) I must ask you to excuse me now, -Mr. Smith. The _other_ Mr. Smith has arrived. I hope you will hear -something about the mare before the day is over. - -=Smith.= I hope so, Mr. Dunnbrowne. (_takes his hat and cane_) - - =Enter=, JOSEPH SMITH, R. - -=James S.= (_aside_) So this is the lover. Ah, poor fellow, (_aloud_) -Good morning, Mr. Dunnbrowne, good morning. - -=Dunn.= Good morning, Mr. Smith. (=Exit=, JAMES S., R.) And good morning -to you, Mr. Smith, (_shakes hands with JOSEPH S., who is very pale and -looks very mournful_) - -=Joseph S.= Good morning, Mr. Dunnbrowne. - -=Dunn.= Take a seat, Mr. Smith. - -=Smith.= Thank you, sir. (_sits, R., stands his umbrella between his -knees--puts his hat on the top of it and looks vacantly before him. -DUNN. sits L. of table_) - -=Dunn.= (_surveying him--aside_) His appearance is not very -pre-possessing; but I must not judge him by his looks. (_aloud_) This is -a beautiful morning, is it not, Mr. Smith? - -=Smith.= (_solemnly_) It is. - -=Dunn.= (_aside_) He is not at all conversational. (_aloud_) -We--we--er--we have had, I may say, several beautiful mornings lately, -have we not, Mr. Smith? - -=Smith.= (_mournfully_) We have. - -=Dunn.= (_aside_) Umph! He must be very bashful and nervous. I'll get a -bottle of wine; perhaps it will help to bring him to the point. -(_rises--aloud_) I am going to my wine bin, Mr. Smith; you will excuse -me a moment, will you not? - -=Smith.= Oh, certainly. (=Exit=, _DUNN., L.; suddenly--SMITH looks quite -cheerful_) Wine bin, eh! He does not appear to be greatly distressed -through his daughter's death. It may be that he has a large family and -does not feel her loss so keenly. Let me see now, does he say in his -letter when she died? (_takes a black bordered envelope from his pocket -and takes the letter from it--reads_) "2, Belverley Terrace, Hedgetown, -March 31st. Mr. Smith. Dear sir, I am grieved to inform you that my -eldest daughter died suddenly this afternoon. Will you kindly call here -in the morning to make the necessary preparations for her interment, and -oblige, yours truly, Peter Dunnbrowne." (_replaces the letter in -the envelope and puts it in his pocket_) So she died yesterday. -(_cheerfully_) Ah, well, _somebody_ must die or what would become of us -poor undertakers? If everybody took a notion to live on from this time -forward, the whole body of funeral furnishers would die of starvation. I -hear Mr. Dunnbrowne coming, so I must assume my customary mournful -expression. I always find that it pleases my customers. (_looks -mournful_) - - =Enter=, _DUNN. L., with bottle of wine and glasses--places them on - the table and begins to draw the cork_ - -=Dunn.= You will doubtless think it peculiar of me waiting upon myself, -Mr. Smith, when there are servants in the house, but the fact is I never -allow them to go to my wine bin, for I have discovered that they -sometimes imbibe a little on their own account, in consequence of which -I never allow the key to leave my possession. (_filling the glasses_) -Now, my dear sir, make yourself at home. (_putting a glass before -SMITH_) Taste that and tell me what you think of it. - -=Smith.= (_aside_) It is not often I am treated in this manner. -(_aloud_) Thank you, Mr. Dunnbrowne. (_leans his umbrella against the -chair, and puts his hat and gloves under the seat--drinks_) This is -splendid, sir. It is really delicious. - -=Dunn.= Ah, I thought you would say so. (_holds his glass up to the -light--drinks_) Is it not exhilarating? - -=Smith.= It is. (_aside_) He thinks more of his wine than of his poor -daughter. - -=Dunn.= (_aside_) The wine has not loosened his tongue very much yet. He -must have another glass. (_aloud_) Have another glass, Mr. Smith, it -will do you a power of good. (_re-fills SMITH'S glass_) - -=Smith.= Thank you, sir. (_aside_) This is what I call good business; -but I must say that, in all my experience as an undertaker and funeral -furnisher, I never met a man who bore a daughter's death with greater -fortitude than this man does, never. (_drinks_) - -=Dunn.= (_aside_) Well he _is_ a bashful fellow. Why does he not speak -out like a man? I would commence the subject myself, but he might run -away with the idea that I was anxious to get rid of my daughter, and I -should not like him to think that on any account. How quiet he sits! I -don't see any thing else for it but applying the lotion to his -refractory tongue until the desired effect is produced. (_aloud_) Come, -Mr. Smith, empty your glass and let me re-fill it for you. - -=Smith.= With pleasure, Mr. Dunnbrowne. (_empties his glass. DUNN. -refills it--aside_) I am enjoying myself and no mistake. (_aloud_) Thank -you, Mr. Dunnbrowne, thank you. I'm sure you are very kind. - -=Dunn.= Not at all, Mr. Smith. When business such as we have on hand is -to be transacted, we must make ourselves as sociable as possible. - -=Smith.= (_aside_) Now that he has mentioned business I had better take -the hint and commence. (_turns towards DUNN., aloud_) The business that -has brought us together is not of a very cheerful character, I am sorry -to say. - -=Dunn.= Do you think not, sir? For my part I do not see why it should -not be. - -=Smith.= Well, er--it was of your feelings I was thinking, Mr. -Dunnbrowne, for I know that this event must be a sad and sudden blow to -you. - -=Dunn.= Not at all, my dear sir, not at all. (_aside_) His letter a sad -blow to me? Pooh! I look upon it as a very pleasing blow. (_drinks and -crosses his knee_) - -=Smith.= (_aside_) He speaks of a death as though it were an everyday -occurrence in his house. - -=Dunn.= Such things will occur sooner or later in any family, sir. We -must expect them. - -=Smith.= Ah, that is true. We never know whose turn is next, but it is a -great affliction when parent and daughter are parted in this way, Mr. -Dunnbrowne. - -=Dunn.= (_cheerfully_) Oh dear no. I could not expect her to stay with -me always. Besides, we shall not be parted for ever; I can just drop in -and see her now and again, you know. - -=Smith.= (_aside_) Drop in and see her! What does----Oh, I see, he must -have a family vault. (_aloud_) Her loss will be a source of immense -grief, sir, I am sure. - -=Dunn.= (_in same tone_) Why should it be? All young persons are anxious -to commence that blissful state of life, for it is generally supposed -that they are better off--that is to say, they are much happier. Not -that my daughter has ever been unhappy here, but the change will be a -pleasing novelty to her, therefore I see no reason why I should be -grieved at all. - -=Smith.= (_aside_) How careless he appears to be about her death, and -speaks of the next world as a pleasing novelty. A----h! (_draws a long -deep sigh_) - -=Dunn.= (_aside_) What nonsense to think that I shall be grieved because -my daughter leaves my roof to begin married life! He might be arranging -for a funeral instead of a wedding, judging from the mournful manner he -has of expressing himself, although I must say that it is quite in -keeping with his appearance. (_aloud_) Fanny has always been a good -daughter, Mr. Smith, and deserves to be made happy. - -=Smith.= I can believe you, Mr. Dunnbrowne, and doubt not that she will -be happy for evermore. - -=Dunn.= You will do your utmost to make her comfortable when you take -her, Mr. Smith, will you not? - -=Smith.= You may rest assured that nothing shall be wanting on my part -as far as comfort is concerned. - -=Dunn.= I am glad to hear you say so, sir. Remember that this is a great -undertaking, but I suppose you have carefully considered the matter -before coming here. - -=Smith.= I have, Mr. Dunnbrowne. The responsibilities are very heavy in -a case like this, I know, but I think I am quite able to bear them. When -do you wish the ceremony to take place? - -=Dunn.= You must suit yourself in that matter, Mr. Smith, I am not -particular. - -=Smith.= Very well, sir. Let me see--to-day is Monday--I do not wish to -hurry you, suppose we say Thursday. - -=Dunn.= Thursday! So soon! Do not be too hasty, Mr. Smith, let us take -proper time over this matter. - -=Smith.= Well, then, shall we say Friday, or Saturday at the latest? We -_must_ get it over by Saturday. It would not do to delay it beyond this -week. - -=Dunn.= (_aside_) Bless us, what a desperate hurry he is in! In his -letter he tells me has not proposed to Fanny, yet he wants to marry her -this week. (_aloud_) I am not sure that we could make all our -arrangements in so short a time, Mr. Smith. - -=Smith.= I can easily manage my portion of the arrangements, Mr. -Dunnbrowne, and I think you can manage yours if you make an effort. We -will say Saturday and settle that point. - -=Dunn.= Very well. (_aside_) I don't know what Fanny will say to this. I -wish she would come in. - -=Smith.= Well now, Mr. Dunnbrowne, what church do you intend---- - -=Dunn.= Oh, I don't mind. Any will suit me. - -=Smith.= St. Paul's is a very neat and quiet church. - -=Dunn.= Very well. St. Paul's will suit me if it suits you. I suppose -the officiating clergyman there understands his business as well as any -other. - -=Smith.= Oh, certainly. I am partial to St. Paul's because of the good -and dry quality of the ground--there is none of that wet clay about it. - -=Dunn.= Well that is rather a good point, Mr. Smith. (_aside_) How -considerate he is! He thinks the ground will be drier to walk on up to -the church door. I should not have given that a thought myself. -(_aloud_) Allow me to fill your glass, sir. (_re-fills SMITH'S glass_) - -=Smith.= Thank you, sir. (_drinks_) I think you did not say how many -carriages would be required, did you, Mr. Dunnbrowne? - -=Dunn.= No, I did not. I leave that matter entirely in your hands, Mr. -Smith. I have no doubt that you understand what is required better than -I do, so I could not think of interfering with any arrangements you can -make. - -=Smith.= Thank you, sir, you do me honor. I suppose you would like to -have the church bell tolled on the morning of the---- - -=Dunn.= (_stiffly_) Church bell tolled! Decidedly not, sir. What under -the sun should we have the bell tolled for? - -=Smith.= It is very common in these cases, Mr. Dunnbrowne. - -=Dunn.= (_with determination_) Well _I_ don't want to hear it, and -moreover I won't have it tolled. - -=Smith.= I am sorry to cause you annoyance, Mr. Dunnbrowne, but I -thought you would like to follow the custom in such cases. - -=Dunn.= And tolling a bell at a ceremony of this sort is customary, is -it? Well _I_ never heard of it before. (_aside_) My belief is that I -have given him more wine than is good for him. - -=Smith.= (_surprised_) You surprise me, sir. - -=Dunn.= (_carelessly_) As you have named the matter I don't mind having -the whole peal of bells ringing together. Engage the ringers -for me, will you, Mr. Smith, and tell them to ring as many -tripple-bob-majors--or whatever they call them--as they like next -Saturday. - -=Smith.= (_aside_) The wine is getting into his head or he would never -think of engaging the ringers to ring for a funeral. (_aloud_) I will -engage the ringers if you wish, Mr. Dunnbrowne, but really I---- - -=Dunn.= Oh, I will pay all expenses, sir. - -=Smith.= (_aside_) Argument is useless while he is under the influence -of that wine. I had better bring my business to an end, and take my -departure. (_aloud_) Will you kindly permit me to see your daughter? - -=Dunn.= It would give me exceeding pleasure to do so, Mr. Smith, but she -is not in at present. - -=Smith.= Not in! (_aside_) Who ever heard of a corpse going out for a -walk! The man is hopelessly intoxicated. It is a blessing that I have -not been prevailed upon to take more of that wine, or I should have been -as bad as he. (_aloud_) If you will allow me to see your daughter now, -Mr Dunnbrowne, I shall not have to come here again to take the -measurements. - -=Dunn.= Take the what? - -=Smith.= The measurements. - -=Dunn.= The dressmaker will do that, sir. - -=Smith.= (_aside_) That wine again. (_aloud_) Dressmakers do not usually -take the measurements for a coffin, sir. - -=Dunn.= Coffin! What are you talking about, sir? Coffin! (_aside_) The -wine has made him more garrulous than I wished. (_aloud_) What should we -want a coffin here for, eh? - -=Smith.= (_aside_) He is drunk beyond doubt. (_aloud_) To put your -daughter in, sir. It is absolutely necessary that you have one. - -=Dunn.= (_angrily_) Have you come here to have a joke out of me, Mr. -Smith, or to make arrangements for marrying my daughter? - -=Smith.= Neither, Mr. Dunnbrowne. I came to make arrangements for -burying her as requested in your note. - -=Dunn.= (_mystified_) Burying my daughter! Requested in my note! What -does this mean? Explain yourself, Mr. Smith. - -=Smith.= (_takes letter from his pocket and hands it to DUNN._) An -explanation is needless. There is your letter asking me to come here and -make arrangements for your daughter's interment. - -=Dunn.= (_examining letter_) I never wrote this. There is a great -mistake somewhere. (_returns letter_) - -=Smith.= Then is your daughter not dead? - -=Dunn.= No; she is enjoying splendid health, I am glad to say. But am I -to understand that you are really an undertaker and that your name is -Smith? - -=Smith.= Certainly! Who and what did you think I was? - -=Dunn.= A gentleman who wished to _marry_ my daughter--not _bury_ her. -(_takes letter from his pocket_) See, I received this letter this -morning from a Mr. Smith, who wishes to be my son-in-law--(_gives the -letter to SMITH, who looks it over_)--and I was under the impression -that you were the author of it. - -=Smith.= Then your impression was a very wrong one, for I never saw this -letter before. (_returns the letter_) I am already married, Mr. -Dunnbrowne, and I may say that I have been a father on four separate -occasions. But who can have sent this letter to me? - -=Dunn.= And who has sent this letter to me? I cannot understand what---- - -=James S.= (_without, R._) All right, miss, I know the way in. (_rushes -in_) Excuse my abrupt entrance, Mr. Dunnbrowne, but I forgot to take my -letter away, and I want to trace the hand-writing if possible. - -=Dunn.= (_gives JAMES S. his letter off the table_) There it is, Mr. -Smith. Apparently you are not the only one who is in a quandary about a -letter this morning. This gentleman is not a candidate for the office of -son-in-law, as I thought. He has come here in consequence of receiving a -letter which I know nothing about, though it has my name at the foot. By -a most peculiar coincidence, his name, like yours, is Smith. - -=James S.= How singular. - -=Joseph S.= Yes sir, my name is Smith, general undertaker and funeral -furnisher. At my establishment all orders are promptly attended to. -Kindly make a note of it, sir, you may require my services. - -=James.= (_aside, piously_) May the time be far distant. - -=Dunn.= Well, gentlemen, what are we to make of this dilemma? - -=James.= That's the point. Ah! I smell a rat! - -=Joseph.= A rat? - -=Dunn.= Bless us! where is it? (_JOSEPH S. and DUNN. mount on chairs and -look round the room in an alarmed manner_) - -=James.= Don't be alarmed--it was only a figure of speech. (_to JOSEPH_) -Permit me to look at your letter, sir. (_JOSEPH and DUNN. dismount from -the chairs. JOSEPH hands his letter to JAMES, who compares it with his -own_) The same, I'm certain. (_returns JOSEPH'S letter--turns to DUNN._) -Kindly allow me to see your letter, sir. (_DUNN. gives it--JAMES compares -it with his own_) Exactly the same, by Jupiter. (_returns the letter to -DUNN._) It is as I thought. All these letters have been written by one -hand. - -=Dunn.= Is it possible? But what can have been the writer's object. - -=James.= Why, don't you know what day it is? - -=Joseph.= I see it all. It is the first of April. - -=Dunn.= So it is; and we are nothing more nor less than a trio of "APRIL -FOOLS." - - DUNN. - JAMES S. JOSEPH S. - - - CURTAIN. - - - - -NEW ENTERTAINMENTS. - - -THE JAPANESE WEDDING. - - A costume pantomime representation of the Wedding Ceremony in Japanese - high life. The company consists of the bride and groom, their - parents, six bridesmaids, and the officiating personage - appropriately called the "Go-between." There are various - formalities, including salaams, tea-drinking, eating rice-cakes, and - giving presents. No words are spoken. The ceremony (which occupies - about 50 minutes), with the "tea-room," fills out an evening well, - though music and other attractions may be added. Can be represented - by young ladies alone, if preferred. =Price, 25 Cents.= - - -AN EVENING WITH PICKWICK. - - A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment.--Introduces the Pickwick - Club, the Wardles of Dingley Dell, the Fat Boy, Alfred Jingle, Mrs. - Leo Hunter, Lord Mutanhed and Count Smorltork, Arabella Allen and - Bob Allen, Bob Sawyer, Mrs. and Master Bardell, Mrs. Cluppins, Mrs. - Weller, Stiggins, Tony Weller, Sam Weller, and the Lady Traveller. - =Price, 25 cents.= - - -AN EVENING WITH COPPERFIELD. - - A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment.--Introduces Mrs. - Copperfield, Davie, the Peggotys, the Murdstones, Mrs. Gummidge, - Little Em'ly, Barkis, Betsey Trotwood, Mr. Dick and his kite, - Steerforth, the Creakles, Traddles, Rosa Dartle, Miss Mowcher, Uriah - Heep and his Mother, the Micawbers, Dora and Gyp, and the - wooden-legged Gatekeeper. =Price, 25 cents.= - -These "Evenings with Dickens" can be represented in whole or in part, -require but little memorizing, do not demand experienced actors, are not -troublesome to prepare, and are suitable for performance either on the -platform or in the drawing room. - - -THE GYPSIES' FESTIVAL. - - A Musical Entertainment for Young People. Introduces the Gypsy Queen, - Fortune Teller, Yankee Peddler, and a Chorus of Gypsies, of any - desired number. The scene is supposed to be a Gypsy Camp. The - costumes are very pretty, but simple; the dialogue bright; the music - easy and tuneful; and the drill movements and calisthenics are - graceful. Few properties and no set scenery required, so that the - entertainment can be represented on any platform. =Price, 25 cents.= - - -THE COURT OF KING CHRISTMAS. - - A CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENT. The action takes place in Santa Claus land - on Christmas eve, and represents the bustling preparations of St. - Nick and his attendant worthies for the gratification of all - children the next day. The cast may include as many as 36 - characters, though fewer will answer, and the entertainment - represented on a platform, without troublesome properties. The - costumes are simple, the incidental music and drill movements - graceful and easily managed, the dialogue uncommonly good, and the - whole thing quite above the average. A representation of this - entertainment will cause the young folks, from six to sixty, fairly - to turn themselves inside out with delight, and, at the same time, - enforce the important moral of Peace and Good Will. =Price, 25 - cents.= - - -_RECENTLY PUBLISHED._ - - =ILLUSTRATED TABLEAUX FOR AMATEURS.= A new series of _Tableaux - Vivants_, by MARTHA C. WELD. In this series each description is - accompanied with a full-page illustration of the scene to be - represented. - - PART I.--MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAUX.--Contains General Introduction, 12 - Tableaux and 14 Illustrations. =Price, 25 Cents.= - - PART II.--MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAUX.--Contains Introduction, 12 Tableaux - and 12 illustrations. =Price, 25 Cents.= - - =SAVED FROM THE WRECK.= A drama in three acts. Eight male, three female - characters. Time, two hours and a half. =Price, 15 Cents.= - - =BETWEEN TWO FIRES.= A comedy-drama in three acts. Eight male, three - female characters. Time, two hours and a half. =Price, 15 Cents.= - - =BY FORCE OF IMPULSE.= A drama in five acts. Nine male, three female - characters. Time, two hours and a half. =Price, 15 Cents.= - - =A LESSON IN ELEGANCE.= A comedy in one act. Four female characters. - Time, thirty minutes. =Price, 15 Cents.= - - =WANTED, A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK.= A farce in one act. Six male - characters. Time, thirty minutes. =Price, 15 Cents.= - - =SECOND SIGHT.= A farcical comedy in one act. Four male, one female - character. Time, one hour. =Price, 15 Cents.= - - =THE TRIPLE WEDDING.= A drama in three acts. Four male, four female - characters. Time, one hour and a quarter. =Price, 15 cents.= - -=> _Any of the above will be sent by mail, postpaid, to any address, on -receipt of the annexed prices._<= - - -HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 9 Murray St., New York. - - - - -HELMER'S ACTOR'S MAKE-UP BOOK. - -_A Practical and Systematic Guide to the Art of Making up for the -Stage._ - - PRICE, 25 CENTS. - -WITH EXHAUSTIVE TREATMENT ON THE USE OF THEATRICAL WIGS AND BEARDS, THE -MAKE-UP AND ITS REQUISITE MATERIALS, THE DIFFERENT FEATURES AND THEIR -MANAGEMENT, TYPICAL CHARACTER MASKS, ETC. WITH SPECIAL HINTS TO LADIES. -DESIGNED FOR THE USE OF ACTORS AND AMATEURS, AND FOR BOTH LADIES AND -GENTLEMEN. COPIOUSLY ILLUSTRATED. - - -CONTENTS. - -I. THEATRICAL WIGS.--The Style and Form of Theatrical Wigs and Beards. -The Color and Shading of Theatrical Wigs and Beards. Directions for -Measuring the Head. To put on a Wig properly. - -II. THEATRICAL BEARDS.--How to fashion a Beard out of crêpé hair. How to -make Beards of Wool. The growth of Beard simulated. - -III. THE MAKE-UP.--A successful Character Mask, and how to make it. -Perspiration during performance, how removed. - -IV. THE MAKE-UP BOX.--Grease Paints. Grease paints in sticks; Flesh -Cream; Face Powder; How to use face powder as a liquid cream; The -various shades of face powder. Water Cosmétique. Nose Putty. Court -Plaster. Cocoa Butter. Crêpé Hair and Prepared Wool. Grenadine. Dorin's -Rouge. "Old Man's" Rouge. "Juvenile" Rouge. Spirit Gum. Email Noir. -Bear's Grease. Eyebrow Pencils. Artist's Stomps. Powder Puffs. Hares' -Feet. Camels'-hair Brushes. - -V. THE FEATURES AND THEIR TREATMENT.--The Eyes: blindness. The Eyelids. -The Eyebrows: How to paint out an eyebrow or moustache; How to paste on -eyebrows; How to regulate bushy eyebrows. The Eyelashes: To alter the -appearance of the eyes. The Ears. The Nose: A Roman nose; How to use the -nose putty; A pug nose; An African nose; a large nose apparently reduced -in size. The Mouth and Lips: a juvenile mouth; an old mouth; a sensuous -mouth; a satirical mouth; a one-sided mouth; a merry mouth; A sullen -mouth. The Teeth. The Neck, Arms, Hands and Fingernails: Fingernails -lengthened. Wrinkles: Friendliness and Sullenness indicated by wrinkles. -Shading. A Starving character. A Cut in the Face. A Thin Face Made -Fleshy. - -VI. TYPICAL CHARACTER MASKS.--The Make-up for Youth: Dimpled cheeks. -Manhood. Middle Age. Making up as a Drunkard: One method; another -method. Old Age. Negroes. Moors. Chinese. King Lear. Shylock. Macbeth. -Richelieu. Statuary. Clowns. - -VII. SPECIAL HINTS TO LADIES.--The Make-up. Theatrical Wigs and Hair -Goods. - - _Sent by mail, postpaid, to any address, on receipt of the price._ - - - HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, - 9 Murray Street, New York. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of April Fools, by W. F. 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