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diff --git a/42103-0.txt b/42103-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e9c5c6e --- /dev/null +++ b/42103-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1103 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42103 *** + + Transcriber's Note: + + Every effort has been made to replicate this text as faithfully as + possible, including some inconsistencies of hyphenation. + + This is very strange. Can there he a mis-- + + has been changed to + + This is very strange. Can there be a mis-- + + Italic text has been marked with _underscores_. + Bold text has been marked with =equals signs=. + => and <= represent pointing hands. + + + + + ROORBACH'S + AMERICAN + EDITION + of ACTING PLAYS. + + APRIL FOOLS. + + PRICE 15 Cents + + No. 26. + + HAROLD ROORBACH. + PUBLISHER, + NEW YORK. + + +COPYRIGHT, 1889, BY HAROLD ROORBACH + +Roorbach's full Descriptive Catalogue of Dramas, Comedies, Comediettas, +Farces, Tableaux-vivants, Guide-books, Novel Entertainments for Church, +School and Parlor Exhibitions, etc., containing complete and explicit +information, will be sent to any address on receipt of a stamp for +return postage. Address as above. + + + + +ROORBACH'S AMERICAN EDITION. + +PRICE, 15 CENTS EACH. + + + This series embraces the best of plays, suited to the present time. The + reprints have been rigidly compared with the original acting copies, + so that absolute purity of text and stage business is _warranted_. + Each play is furnished with an introduction of the greatest value to + the stage manager, containing the argument or synopsis of incidents, + complete lists of properties and costumes, diagrams of the stage + settings and practicable scene-plots, with the fullest stage + directions. They are handsomely printed from new electrotype plates, + in readable type, on fine paper. Their complete introductions, + textual accuracy, and mechanical excellence render these books far + superior in every respect to all editions of acting plays hitherto + published. + + 1. =ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD.= A comic drama in two acts. Six + male, three female characters. Time, two hours. + + 2. =A SCRAP OF PAPER.= A comic drama in three acts. Six male, six + female characters. Time, two hours. + + 3. =MY LORD IN LIVERY.= A farce in one act. Five male, three female + characters. Time, fifty minutes. + + 4. =CABMAN No. 93.= A farce in one act. Two male, two female + characters. Time, forty minutes. + + 5. =MILKY WHITE.= A domestic drama in two acts. Four male, two female + characters. Time, one hour and three quarters. + + 6. =PARTNERS FOR LIFE.= A comedy in three acts. Seven male, four female + characters. Time, two hours. + + 7. =WOODCOCK'S LITTLE GAME.= A comedy-farce in two acts. Four male, + four female characters. Time, one hour. + + 8. =HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW.= A farce in one act. Four male, two + female characters. Time, thirty-five minutes. + + 9. =LADY AUDLEY'S SECRET.= A drama in two acts. Four male, three female + characters. Time, one hour and a quarter. + + 10. =NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL.= A comedy in three acts. Six male, five + female characters. Time, one hour and forty minutes. + + 11. =WHICH IS WHICH?= A comedietta in one act. Three male, three female + characters. Time, fifty minutes. + + 12. =ICI ON PARLE FRANÇAIS.= A farce in one act. Three male, four + female characters. Time, forty-five minutes. + + 13. =DAISY FARM.= A drama in four acts. Ten male, four female + characters. Time, two hours and twenty minutes. + + 14. =MARRIED LIFE.= A comedy in three acts. Five male, five female + characters. Time, two hours. + + 15. =A PRETTY PIECE OF BUSINESS.= A comedietta in one act. Two male, + three female characters. Time, fifty minutes. + + 16. =LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS.= A farce in one act. Five male, two female + characters. Time, one hour. + + 17. =UNCLE TOM'S CABIN.--Original Version.= A drama in six acts. + Fifteen male, seven female characters. Time, three hours. + + 18. =UNCLE TOM'S CABIN.--New Version.= A drama in five acts. Seven + male, five female characters. Time, two hours and a quarter. + + 19. =LONDON ASSURANCE.= A comedy in five acts. Ten male, three female + characters. Time, two hours and three quarters. + + 20. =ATCHI!= A comedietta in one act. Three male, two female + characters. Time, forty minutes. + + 21. =WHO IS WHO?= A farce in one act. Three male, two female + characters. Time, forty minutes. + + 22. =THE WOVEN WEB.= A drama in four acts. Seven male, three female + characters. Time, two hours and twenty minutes. + +=> _Any of the above will be sent by mail, post-paid, to any address, on +receipt of the price._ + + +HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 9 Murray St., New York. + + + + + APRIL FOOLS + + A FARCE IN ONE ACT + FOR THREE MALE CHARACTERS + + BY + W. F. CHAPMAN + + Copyright, 1890, by Harold Roorbach. + + [Illustration] + + NEW YORK + HAROLD ROORBACH + PUBLISHER + + + + +[Illustration] + + + + +APRIL FOOLS. + + + + +CAST OF CHARACTERS. + + + MR. PETER DUNNBROWNE _A gentleman with several marriageable + daughters._ + MR. JAMES SMITH _Who wants to buy a horse._ + MR. JOSEPH SMITH _An undertaker._ + + TIME OF REPRESENTATION--THIRTY MINUTES. + + +ARGUMENT OF THE PLAY. + +MR. PETER DUNNBROWNE, a gentleman with several unmarried daughters on +his hands, receives a note from MR. JOHN SMITH proposing for his +daughter Fanny. Presently MR. JAMES SMITH calls, he having received a +letter announcing that Mr. D's mare Fanny is for sale, and an amusing +dialogue at cross purposes ensues. This disposed of, MR. JOSEPH SMITH, +an undertaker, calls, he having been notified that Miss Fanny had +suddenly died, and another puzzle follows. Finally it is discovered that +the letters are all in the same handwriting, and that the receivers have +all been made the victims of an April joke. + + +COSTUMES. + +DUNNBROWNE.--Everyday suit. + +JAMES SMITH.--Very loud "horsey" dress. Carries hat and cane. + +JOSEPH SMITH.--Shabby black suit, old black silk hat, black gloves, +rusty old cotton umbrella. + + +PROPERTIES. + +Newspaper and several letters on table. Large black bordered letter for +JOSEPH SMITH. One letter each for JAMES SMITH and DUNNBROWNE to produce. +Bottle containing cold tea to represent wine, corkscrew and two glasses +for DUNNBROWNE to bring on. + + +SCENE. + +[Illustration] + +SCENE.--DUNNBROWNE'S parlor. Doors R. and L. Table C., with chairs R. +and L. of it. + +N. B.--A set scene is not essential, and may be dispensed with if +preferred. + + +STAGE DIRECTIONS. + +In observing, the player is supposed to face the audience. R. means +right; L., left; C., centre; R. C., right of centre; L. C., left of +centre; R. D., right door; L. D., left door; UP STAGE, towards the back; +DOWN STAGE, towards the audience. + +[Illustration] + + + + +[Illustration] + + + + +APRIL FOOLS. + + + =Scene.=--_DUNNBROWNE'S parlor._ =Entrances= _R. and L. Table, C. + Chairs R. and L. of table. Newspaper and letters on the table._ + +=Dunnbrowne.= (_without_) Well, good morning, my dears, (_shows himself +in the doorway R._) Don't be away all the morning, and _do_ be merciful +in your purchases. (_enters R._) Happy is the man who is not troubled +with a trio of beautiful daughters, who are incessantly going out +shopping. My daughters seem to take a delight in spending my money. I +suppose they act upon the principle that, if a thing is worth doing at +all it is worth doing well, and as shopping is their chief and only +occupation, they strive, and I may add, succeed, to do it as well as any +young ladies in this mundane sphere possibly could. (_sits R._) I find +it of no use whatever to expostulate with them about what I consider +their extravagance in dress, for they argue that as they do all the +buying and I do all the paying, it is nothing but a right and proper +division of labor. Now let me see what trouble has come to me through +that prodigious engine of commerce, the post office, this morning. +(_opens a letter_) Another bill from Messrs. Newshape and Whitestraw, +the milliners! It is only two weeks since I paid them $25. (_looks at +the bill_)--$37.50 for millinery! Enough to provide me with hats for +twenty years. (_opens another letter_) More bills! This is Mrs. +Goodfit's bill for dressmaking: forty dollars. (_throws the bill on the +table_) Oh, this is going a little beyond all reason. The fact of the +matter is, I shall be ruined if this sort of thing is not stopped. +(_walks across the room two or three times--then pauses_) I wish some +kind, upright and steady young men of affluent means would come forward +and take one or two of my daughters off my hands. I'm sure they would +make excellent wives. (_sits R.,--takes another letter_) I am almost +afraid to open this one; but I may as well know the extent of my trouble +at once--suspense is useless--so here goes. (_opens the letter_) What's +this? (_reads it over rapidly in silence_) How opportune! This is +precisely what I have long been wishing for. (_reads_) "Dear sir,--For a +long period of time I have fondly and madly loved your daughter Fanny, +with a passion that would require the prolific brain of a poet to +describe, but I have never had the courage to declare my passion to +her." Well, that _is_ astonishing. If I had known of this before I +should have avoided paying some of her bills, for I would have had them +married long ago. (_reads_) "My object in writing you is to inform you +that I shall call upon you to-morrow morning, when I trust you will +favor me with an interview." An interview! I'll favor him with forty +interviews if he will only take one of my daughters off my hands. +(_reads_) "My means are amply sufficient to justify my taking a wife, so +I trust you will not throw cold water on my hopes, but make me eternally +happy by giving your consent to our union." Throw cold water on his +hopes! By no means. If _warm_ water will help to bring about the desired +effect he shall have gallons of it. (_reads_) "Hoping you will carefully +consider this matter and ultimately arrive at a favorable decision, I am +yours respectfully, John Smith." (_folding the letter_) John Smith, +umph! Now, the question that arises is, who _is_ this John Smith? John +Smiths are almost as numerous as flies around a sugar-bowl, but _I_ +don't happen to be acquainted with any of them. However, I shall not be +any wiser by wondering who he is, so I shall wait patiently until he +calls. In the meantime I will take a walk around the garden, (_goes to +door R.--calls_) Jane, I am going into the garden. If anyone calls, show +him in here and let me know immediately. (_goes to the table_) +By-the-bye I must put these bills out of sight. If John Smith chances to +see them they might set him thinking of what he will have to pay when he +gets married, and be the means of making him alter his mind. (_puts the +letters in his pocket_) + + =Exit= L. + + =Enter=, JAMES SMITH, R. + +=Smith.= (_speaks at the entrance_) Very well. I'll find a seat if you +will find your master. (=Enters=--_looks around--sits, R._) I wonder +what sort of a fellow this Dunnbrowne is. I don't know anything about +_him_, but he knows something about _me_ or how would he be aware of the +fact that I am in want of a mare. I hope there is no blunder about the +affair. I don't see how there can be, though. The letter is addressed to +me all fair and square, and this is the address the letter is dated from +(_takes a letter from his pocket and reads_) "2, Belverley Terrace, +Hedgetown, March 31st. Mr. Smith. Dear sir,--A friend of mine informs me +that you are in want of a good mare, so I take the liberty of writing +you to say that I wish to dispose of my thoroughbred dark bay mare +Fanny. She has splendid action, and is in good condition. If you think +she may suit you, I shall be at home in the morning, and will be glad to +see you and give you any information respecting her soundness, &c. Yours +truly, Peter Dunnbrowne." Oh, it's all right. There cannot be any error +about that--of course not. I am rather fond of the name of Fanny. I had +a mare of that name some years ago, and she was a perfect stunner. +(_replaces the letter in his pocket_) I wonder what price he wants for +her. I am not particular to a few dollars if she's a good goer. (_takes +up the newspaper_) What is there fresh in the paper this morning? Ah, +another breach of promise case, I see. $500 damages. Poor fellow. Nobody +will catch me at that game. Marriage is out of my line altogether. I +always drive clear of the ladies. (_turns the paper over--reads_) + + =Enter=, DUNN., L. + +=Dunn.= (_aside_) So this is John Smith, my would-be son-in-law. He +appears to make himself quite at home. (_coming to the front, aloud_) +Good morning, sir. Mr. Smith, I presume. (_extending his hand. SMITH +hastily puts the newspaper down--rises and shakes hands_) + +=Smith.= Good morning, Mr. Dunnbrowne, how do you do, sir; how _do_ you +do? Delighted to make your acquaintance, sir. Fine morning this, isn't +it? _Very_ fine morning indeed. + +=Dunn.= (_aside_) He doesn't seem at all bashful. + +=Smith.= I beg your pardon? Ah, I thought you were speaking. You _are_ +well, I suppose? + +=Dunn.= Ye--yes, I am quite well, thank you, Mr. Smith, how are you? + +=Smith.= I'm _very_ well, sir, very well indeed; in fact I am never +troubled with any complaint excepting the complaints of my groom, and he +is always full of them--servants usually are. + +=Dunn.= (_aside_) Groom! he keeps a horse, then. He must be pretty well +to do. (_aloud_) Take a seat, sir. (_they both sit, DUNN., L., SMITH, +R._) + +=Smith.= Thanks. So you are desirous of disposing of Fanny, Mr. +Dunnbrowne? + +=Dunn.= (_aside_) Disposing of her! (_aloud_) Well er--that is _one_ way +of putting it, but I scarcely like to----(_pause_) + +=Smith.= Oh, I quite understand your feelings, sir. You have grown quite +fond of her, and now you find it rather hard to part with her; but +you'll soon get over that. I've parted with several in my time. Excuse +my asking, sir, but what are your reasons for parting with her? Do you +find her too expensive? + +=Dunn.= Well er--rather; and as I have three of them to keep +I----(_pause_) + +=Smith.= I see--you thought you could possibly spare one of them. Well +now, what are her good points? Is she good at jumping walls or fences? + +=Dunn.= (_aside_) Walls! Fences! + +=Smith.= Can she clear a five-barred gate nicely? + +=Dunn.= (_smiling_) Well, er--I really could not answer that question. +Jumping is an accomplishment that I----(_pause_) + +=Smith.= Perhaps you never tried her at that sort of thing. You ought +to, sir, it's fine sport. The last I had was a perfect stunner at it. + +=Dunn.= (_aside_) The last he had! He has been married before, then--a +widower, evidently. + +=Smith.= She turned a little stubborn occasionally, though, and has +thrown me over her head two or three times. + +=Dunn.= (_aside_) Bless me! what a powerful woman she must have been. + +=Smith.= I cured her of that nasty trick after she had repeated it a +time or two, I did so. I gave her the lash pretty freely. + +=Dunn.= (_aside_) Why, the man is nothing less than a wife-beater. + +=Smith.= She soon found out who was master. There's nothing so effective +as the whip to cure stubbornness, sir, nothing at all. + +=Dunn.= I suppose not; but don't you think that kind of treatment is +rather too harsh? + +=Smith.= Oh, dear no; on the contrary, I think a little now and again +does them a power of good. + +=Dunn.= (_aside_) What a hard hearted fellow he must be. He will have to +alter his opinions before he marries my daughter, that he will. +(_aloud_) I may tell you, Mr. Smith, that if I thought you would +ill-treat Fanny at all, I should not allow you to take her. + +=Smith.= Don't be afraid of that, my dear sir. I should not ill-treat +her if it were not necessary. Does she shy at all when she is out? + +=Dunn.= Shy! That is a peculiar question to ask about a---- + +=Smith.= Not at all, Mr. Dunnbrowne. I like to know what I am getting. +If I take her from you and find that she shies at anything I shall get +rid of her without delay. I shall indeed. + +=Dunn.= (_aside_) Well, that _is_ cool. He has the impudence to tell me +that he would "get rid" of my daughter. I am beginning to dislike this +fellow. + +=Smith.= You see, Mr. Dunnbrowne, I want one who will go ahead in the +face of everything--a regular fast one that's the sort. + +=Dunn.= (_aside_) What peculiar taste some men have! + +=Smith.= Is Fanny ever troubled with corns? + +=Dunn.= Corns, sir, _corns_? No! + +=Smith.= I am glad of that. I don't care to see them walking lame in the +slightest. It quite spoils their appearance. Is she quite sound in every +other respect? + +=Dunn.= Well, yes, I never heard her complain. (_aside_) What odd +questions he asks! + +=Smith.= She does not cough or wheeze, Mr. Dunnbrowne, does she? She is +not broken-winded at all, is she? + +=Dunn.= Broken-winded! I don't understand you, Mr. Smith. Why do you ask +so many absurd questions about her? You are not obliged to have her if +you don't choose to. + +=Smith.= I am perfectly aware of that, sir. I am simply asking fair +questions. As I said before, I want to know what I am getting. I don't +want to make a blind bargain. Can I see her now? + +=Dunn.= Not at present--she is out. + +=Smith.= Taking exercise, I suppose. Well now, Mr. Dunnbrowne, I'll tell +you what I will do. I will take her a month on trial. + +=Dunn.= You'll what, sir? You--you'll take her a month on trial! What +the dickens do you mean? How _dare_ you propose such a thing to me, sir! +(_rises_) + +=Smith.= Simply because I consider that it is the fairest way of dealing +in transactions of this sort. (_DUNN. walks across stage_) You have no +occasion to be vexed at my proposal. I give you my word that I will +treat her kindly and pay all expenses during the month, and if she does +not suit me I will return her. That is fair and square for both parties, +don't you think so? + +=Dunn.= No, sir, I do _not_ think so. If you have a notion that I--the +parent of three blooming daughters--am willing to permit you to trifle +and play with the affections of the eldest of them in the manner you +have so basely proposed, I must ask you to dispel that notion at once +and forever, for you never labored under a greater mistake in your life, +never. + +=Smith.= Now there is just a little bit of sentiment in that speech, and +I must admit that you delivered it in a fair dramatic style, Mr. +Dunnbrowne, but you see the general effect is marred by my not knowing +what you are driving at. What _do_ you mean? + +=Dunn.= Mean, sir, mean? I _think_ I explained myself sufficiently. + +=Smith.= Scarcely. You volunteer some remarks about your daughters. Now, +with all the respect that is due to those young ladies, I must ask you +to put your parental feelings aside for a short time, and proceed with +the business we have on hand. Ladies are out of my line altogether. +Between you and me, Mr. Dunnbrowne, I am not a marrying man. + +=Dunn.= Not a marrying man! Then what under the sun did you write me +that letter for respecting your love for my daughter, eh? + +=Smith.= Write you? Why, I never heard your name before this morning. + +=Dunn.= (_aside_) This is very strange. Can there be a mis--(_aloud_) +Your name _is_ Smith, is it not? + +=Smith.= Yes, that is my name. + +=Dunn.= Ah! (_takes a letter from his pocket and unfolds it_) Now tell +me, Mr. Smith, on your honor as a gentleman, did you or did you not +write that letter to me? (_giving the letter to SMITH_) + +=Smith.= (_reads_) "Dear sir,--for a long period of time I have fondly +and madly loved your daughter Fanny with--" Oh, rubbish! On my honor as +a gentleman, Mr. Dunnbrowne, I never loved _any_ man's daughter, much +less wrote this letter; besides, it is signed John Smith and my name is +_James_. (_returns the letter_) + +=Dunn.= (_aside_) I cannot understand this at all. (_aloud_) As you are +_not_ the Mr. Smith I took you for, and have _not_ come to see me about +my daughter, perhaps you will inform me what you _did_ come for. + +=Smith.= What I came for? Well, that's not bad for you after listening +to all I have said. Have you forgotten that you wrote me saying you had +a mare to dispose of? + +=Dunn.= Wrote you about a mare! + +=Smith.= What a forgetful man you must be. (_takes letter from his +pocket--opens it and gives it to DUNN., who looks it over_) That is the +letter; perhaps it will recall the circumstance to mind. + +=Dunn.= I have not written this, sir. (_keeps the letter in his hand_) + +=Smith.= You have not? On your honor as a gentleman? + +=Dunn.= On my honor as a gentleman. + +=Smith.= That's curious. Have you not got a mare to dispose of? + +=Dunn.= No; more than that I never possessed one or a horse either. + +=Smith.= Then why did you not say so before? You answered my questions +about the mare Fanny and---- + +=Dunn.= Because I thought you were speaking of my daughter. You see I am +expecting a Mr. Smith here this morning--the writer of the letter I have +shown you--who is anxious to pay his addresses to my daughter Fanny. As +he is a perfect stranger to me, and as you answered to the name of +Smith, I naturally thought you were the gentleman I expected, hence the +confusion. + +=Smith.= There is something very peculiar about this affair that +I----(_a knock is heard at the door, R. DUNN. puts SMITH'S letter on the +table--goes to the door and opens it. Short pause_) + +=Dunn.= What name did you say? Oh, Smith. Ah, yes, it's all right, Jane, +show him in. (_turns to JAMES SMITH_) I must ask you to excuse me now, +Mr. Smith. The _other_ Mr. Smith has arrived. I hope you will hear +something about the mare before the day is over. + +=Smith.= I hope so, Mr. Dunnbrowne. (_takes his hat and cane_) + + =Enter=, JOSEPH SMITH, R. + +=James S.= (_aside_) So this is the lover. Ah, poor fellow, (_aloud_) +Good morning, Mr. Dunnbrowne, good morning. + +=Dunn.= Good morning, Mr. Smith. (=Exit=, JAMES S., R.) And good morning +to you, Mr. Smith, (_shakes hands with JOSEPH S., who is very pale and +looks very mournful_) + +=Joseph S.= Good morning, Mr. Dunnbrowne. + +=Dunn.= Take a seat, Mr. Smith. + +=Smith.= Thank you, sir. (_sits, R., stands his umbrella between his +knees--puts his hat on the top of it and looks vacantly before him. +DUNN. sits L. of table_) + +=Dunn.= (_surveying him--aside_) His appearance is not very +pre-possessing; but I must not judge him by his looks. (_aloud_) This is +a beautiful morning, is it not, Mr. Smith? + +=Smith.= (_solemnly_) It is. + +=Dunn.= (_aside_) He is not at all conversational. (_aloud_) +We--we--er--we have had, I may say, several beautiful mornings lately, +have we not, Mr. Smith? + +=Smith.= (_mournfully_) We have. + +=Dunn.= (_aside_) Umph! He must be very bashful and nervous. I'll get a +bottle of wine; perhaps it will help to bring him to the point. +(_rises--aloud_) I am going to my wine bin, Mr. Smith; you will excuse +me a moment, will you not? + +=Smith.= Oh, certainly. (=Exit=, _DUNN., L.; suddenly--SMITH looks quite +cheerful_) Wine bin, eh! He does not appear to be greatly distressed +through his daughter's death. It may be that he has a large family and +does not feel her loss so keenly. Let me see now, does he say in his +letter when she died? (_takes a black bordered envelope from his pocket +and takes the letter from it--reads_) "2, Belverley Terrace, Hedgetown, +March 31st. Mr. Smith. Dear sir, I am grieved to inform you that my +eldest daughter died suddenly this afternoon. Will you kindly call here +in the morning to make the necessary preparations for her interment, and +oblige, yours truly, Peter Dunnbrowne." (_replaces the letter in +the envelope and puts it in his pocket_) So she died yesterday. +(_cheerfully_) Ah, well, _somebody_ must die or what would become of us +poor undertakers? If everybody took a notion to live on from this time +forward, the whole body of funeral furnishers would die of starvation. I +hear Mr. Dunnbrowne coming, so I must assume my customary mournful +expression. I always find that it pleases my customers. (_looks +mournful_) + + =Enter=, _DUNN. L., with bottle of wine and glasses--places them on + the table and begins to draw the cork_ + +=Dunn.= You will doubtless think it peculiar of me waiting upon myself, +Mr. Smith, when there are servants in the house, but the fact is I never +allow them to go to my wine bin, for I have discovered that they +sometimes imbibe a little on their own account, in consequence of which +I never allow the key to leave my possession. (_filling the glasses_) +Now, my dear sir, make yourself at home. (_putting a glass before +SMITH_) Taste that and tell me what you think of it. + +=Smith.= (_aside_) It is not often I am treated in this manner. +(_aloud_) Thank you, Mr. Dunnbrowne. (_leans his umbrella against the +chair, and puts his hat and gloves under the seat--drinks_) This is +splendid, sir. It is really delicious. + +=Dunn.= Ah, I thought you would say so. (_holds his glass up to the +light--drinks_) Is it not exhilarating? + +=Smith.= It is. (_aside_) He thinks more of his wine than of his poor +daughter. + +=Dunn.= (_aside_) The wine has not loosened his tongue very much yet. He +must have another glass. (_aloud_) Have another glass, Mr. Smith, it +will do you a power of good. (_re-fills SMITH'S glass_) + +=Smith.= Thank you, sir. (_aside_) This is what I call good business; +but I must say that, in all my experience as an undertaker and funeral +furnisher, I never met a man who bore a daughter's death with greater +fortitude than this man does, never. (_drinks_) + +=Dunn.= (_aside_) Well he _is_ a bashful fellow. Why does he not speak +out like a man? I would commence the subject myself, but he might run +away with the idea that I was anxious to get rid of my daughter, and I +should not like him to think that on any account. How quiet he sits! I +don't see any thing else for it but applying the lotion to his +refractory tongue until the desired effect is produced. (_aloud_) Come, +Mr. Smith, empty your glass and let me re-fill it for you. + +=Smith.= With pleasure, Mr. Dunnbrowne. (_empties his glass. DUNN. +refills it--aside_) I am enjoying myself and no mistake. (_aloud_) Thank +you, Mr. Dunnbrowne, thank you. I'm sure you are very kind. + +=Dunn.= Not at all, Mr. Smith. When business such as we have on hand is +to be transacted, we must make ourselves as sociable as possible. + +=Smith.= (_aside_) Now that he has mentioned business I had better take +the hint and commence. (_turns towards DUNN., aloud_) The business that +has brought us together is not of a very cheerful character, I am sorry +to say. + +=Dunn.= Do you think not, sir? For my part I do not see why it should +not be. + +=Smith.= Well, er--it was of your feelings I was thinking, Mr. +Dunnbrowne, for I know that this event must be a sad and sudden blow to +you. + +=Dunn.= Not at all, my dear sir, not at all. (_aside_) His letter a sad +blow to me? Pooh! I look upon it as a very pleasing blow. (_drinks and +crosses his knee_) + +=Smith.= (_aside_) He speaks of a death as though it were an everyday +occurrence in his house. + +=Dunn.= Such things will occur sooner or later in any family, sir. We +must expect them. + +=Smith.= Ah, that is true. We never know whose turn is next, but it is a +great affliction when parent and daughter are parted in this way, Mr. +Dunnbrowne. + +=Dunn.= (_cheerfully_) Oh dear no. I could not expect her to stay with +me always. Besides, we shall not be parted for ever; I can just drop in +and see her now and again, you know. + +=Smith.= (_aside_) Drop in and see her! What does----Oh, I see, he must +have a family vault. (_aloud_) Her loss will be a source of immense +grief, sir, I am sure. + +=Dunn.= (_in same tone_) Why should it be? All young persons are anxious +to commence that blissful state of life, for it is generally supposed +that they are better off--that is to say, they are much happier. Not +that my daughter has ever been unhappy here, but the change will be a +pleasing novelty to her, therefore I see no reason why I should be +grieved at all. + +=Smith.= (_aside_) How careless he appears to be about her death, and +speaks of the next world as a pleasing novelty. A----h! (_draws a long +deep sigh_) + +=Dunn.= (_aside_) What nonsense to think that I shall be grieved because +my daughter leaves my roof to begin married life! He might be arranging +for a funeral instead of a wedding, judging from the mournful manner he +has of expressing himself, although I must say that it is quite in +keeping with his appearance. (_aloud_) Fanny has always been a good +daughter, Mr. Smith, and deserves to be made happy. + +=Smith.= I can believe you, Mr. Dunnbrowne, and doubt not that she will +be happy for evermore. + +=Dunn.= You will do your utmost to make her comfortable when you take +her, Mr. Smith, will you not? + +=Smith.= You may rest assured that nothing shall be wanting on my part +as far as comfort is concerned. + +=Dunn.= I am glad to hear you say so, sir. Remember that this is a great +undertaking, but I suppose you have carefully considered the matter +before coming here. + +=Smith.= I have, Mr. Dunnbrowne. The responsibilities are very heavy in +a case like this, I know, but I think I am quite able to bear them. When +do you wish the ceremony to take place? + +=Dunn.= You must suit yourself in that matter, Mr. Smith, I am not +particular. + +=Smith.= Very well, sir. Let me see--to-day is Monday--I do not wish to +hurry you, suppose we say Thursday. + +=Dunn.= Thursday! So soon! Do not be too hasty, Mr. Smith, let us take +proper time over this matter. + +=Smith.= Well, then, shall we say Friday, or Saturday at the latest? We +_must_ get it over by Saturday. It would not do to delay it beyond this +week. + +=Dunn.= (_aside_) Bless us, what a desperate hurry he is in! In his +letter he tells me has not proposed to Fanny, yet he wants to marry her +this week. (_aloud_) I am not sure that we could make all our +arrangements in so short a time, Mr. Smith. + +=Smith.= I can easily manage my portion of the arrangements, Mr. +Dunnbrowne, and I think you can manage yours if you make an effort. We +will say Saturday and settle that point. + +=Dunn.= Very well. (_aside_) I don't know what Fanny will say to this. I +wish she would come in. + +=Smith.= Well now, Mr. Dunnbrowne, what church do you intend---- + +=Dunn.= Oh, I don't mind. Any will suit me. + +=Smith.= St. Paul's is a very neat and quiet church. + +=Dunn.= Very well. St. Paul's will suit me if it suits you. I suppose +the officiating clergyman there understands his business as well as any +other. + +=Smith.= Oh, certainly. I am partial to St. Paul's because of the good +and dry quality of the ground--there is none of that wet clay about it. + +=Dunn.= Well that is rather a good point, Mr. Smith. (_aside_) How +considerate he is! He thinks the ground will be drier to walk on up to +the church door. I should not have given that a thought myself. +(_aloud_) Allow me to fill your glass, sir. (_re-fills SMITH'S glass_) + +=Smith.= Thank you, sir. (_drinks_) I think you did not say how many +carriages would be required, did you, Mr. Dunnbrowne? + +=Dunn.= No, I did not. I leave that matter entirely in your hands, Mr. +Smith. I have no doubt that you understand what is required better than +I do, so I could not think of interfering with any arrangements you can +make. + +=Smith.= Thank you, sir, you do me honor. I suppose you would like to +have the church bell tolled on the morning of the---- + +=Dunn.= (_stiffly_) Church bell tolled! Decidedly not, sir. What under +the sun should we have the bell tolled for? + +=Smith.= It is very common in these cases, Mr. Dunnbrowne. + +=Dunn.= (_with determination_) Well _I_ don't want to hear it, and +moreover I won't have it tolled. + +=Smith.= I am sorry to cause you annoyance, Mr. Dunnbrowne, but I +thought you would like to follow the custom in such cases. + +=Dunn.= And tolling a bell at a ceremony of this sort is customary, is +it? Well _I_ never heard of it before. (_aside_) My belief is that I +have given him more wine than is good for him. + +=Smith.= (_surprised_) You surprise me, sir. + +=Dunn.= (_carelessly_) As you have named the matter I don't mind having +the whole peal of bells ringing together. Engage the ringers +for me, will you, Mr. Smith, and tell them to ring as many +tripple-bob-majors--or whatever they call them--as they like next +Saturday. + +=Smith.= (_aside_) The wine is getting into his head or he would never +think of engaging the ringers to ring for a funeral. (_aloud_) I will +engage the ringers if you wish, Mr. Dunnbrowne, but really I---- + +=Dunn.= Oh, I will pay all expenses, sir. + +=Smith.= (_aside_) Argument is useless while he is under the influence +of that wine. I had better bring my business to an end, and take my +departure. (_aloud_) Will you kindly permit me to see your daughter? + +=Dunn.= It would give me exceeding pleasure to do so, Mr. Smith, but she +is not in at present. + +=Smith.= Not in! (_aside_) Who ever heard of a corpse going out for a +walk! The man is hopelessly intoxicated. It is a blessing that I have +not been prevailed upon to take more of that wine, or I should have been +as bad as he. (_aloud_) If you will allow me to see your daughter now, +Mr Dunnbrowne, I shall not have to come here again to take the +measurements. + +=Dunn.= Take the what? + +=Smith.= The measurements. + +=Dunn.= The dressmaker will do that, sir. + +=Smith.= (_aside_) That wine again. (_aloud_) Dressmakers do not usually +take the measurements for a coffin, sir. + +=Dunn.= Coffin! What are you talking about, sir? Coffin! (_aside_) The +wine has made him more garrulous than I wished. (_aloud_) What should we +want a coffin here for, eh? + +=Smith.= (_aside_) He is drunk beyond doubt. (_aloud_) To put your +daughter in, sir. It is absolutely necessary that you have one. + +=Dunn.= (_angrily_) Have you come here to have a joke out of me, Mr. +Smith, or to make arrangements for marrying my daughter? + +=Smith.= Neither, Mr. Dunnbrowne. I came to make arrangements for +burying her as requested in your note. + +=Dunn.= (_mystified_) Burying my daughter! Requested in my note! What +does this mean? Explain yourself, Mr. Smith. + +=Smith.= (_takes letter from his pocket and hands it to DUNN._) An +explanation is needless. There is your letter asking me to come here and +make arrangements for your daughter's interment. + +=Dunn.= (_examining letter_) I never wrote this. There is a great +mistake somewhere. (_returns letter_) + +=Smith.= Then is your daughter not dead? + +=Dunn.= No; she is enjoying splendid health, I am glad to say. But am I +to understand that you are really an undertaker and that your name is +Smith? + +=Smith.= Certainly! Who and what did you think I was? + +=Dunn.= A gentleman who wished to _marry_ my daughter--not _bury_ her. +(_takes letter from his pocket_) See, I received this letter this +morning from a Mr. Smith, who wishes to be my son-in-law--(_gives the +letter to SMITH, who looks it over_)--and I was under the impression +that you were the author of it. + +=Smith.= Then your impression was a very wrong one, for I never saw this +letter before. (_returns the letter_) I am already married, Mr. +Dunnbrowne, and I may say that I have been a father on four separate +occasions. But who can have sent this letter to me? + +=Dunn.= And who has sent this letter to me? I cannot understand what---- + +=James S.= (_without, R._) All right, miss, I know the way in. (_rushes +in_) Excuse my abrupt entrance, Mr. Dunnbrowne, but I forgot to take my +letter away, and I want to trace the hand-writing if possible. + +=Dunn.= (_gives JAMES S. his letter off the table_) There it is, Mr. +Smith. Apparently you are not the only one who is in a quandary about a +letter this morning. This gentleman is not a candidate for the office of +son-in-law, as I thought. He has come here in consequence of receiving a +letter which I know nothing about, though it has my name at the foot. By +a most peculiar coincidence, his name, like yours, is Smith. + +=James S.= How singular. + +=Joseph S.= Yes sir, my name is Smith, general undertaker and funeral +furnisher. At my establishment all orders are promptly attended to. +Kindly make a note of it, sir, you may require my services. + +=James.= (_aside, piously_) May the time be far distant. + +=Dunn.= Well, gentlemen, what are we to make of this dilemma? + +=James.= That's the point. Ah! I smell a rat! + +=Joseph.= A rat? + +=Dunn.= Bless us! where is it? (_JOSEPH S. and DUNN. mount on chairs and +look round the room in an alarmed manner_) + +=James.= Don't be alarmed--it was only a figure of speech. (_to JOSEPH_) +Permit me to look at your letter, sir. (_JOSEPH and DUNN. dismount from +the chairs. JOSEPH hands his letter to JAMES, who compares it with his +own_) The same, I'm certain. (_returns JOSEPH'S letter--turns to DUNN._) +Kindly allow me to see your letter, sir. (_DUNN. gives it--JAMES compares +it with his own_) Exactly the same, by Jupiter. (_returns the letter to +DUNN._) It is as I thought. All these letters have been written by one +hand. + +=Dunn.= Is it possible? But what can have been the writer's object. + +=James.= Why, don't you know what day it is? + +=Joseph.= I see it all. It is the first of April. + +=Dunn.= So it is; and we are nothing more nor less than a trio of "APRIL +FOOLS." + + DUNN. + JAMES S. JOSEPH S. + + + CURTAIN. + + + + +NEW ENTERTAINMENTS. + + +THE JAPANESE WEDDING. + + A costume pantomime representation of the Wedding Ceremony in Japanese + high life. The company consists of the bride and groom, their + parents, six bridesmaids, and the officiating personage + appropriately called the "Go-between." There are various + formalities, including salaams, tea-drinking, eating rice-cakes, and + giving presents. No words are spoken. The ceremony (which occupies + about 50 minutes), with the "tea-room," fills out an evening well, + though music and other attractions may be added. Can be represented + by young ladies alone, if preferred. =Price, 25 Cents.= + + +AN EVENING WITH PICKWICK. + + A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment.--Introduces the Pickwick + Club, the Wardles of Dingley Dell, the Fat Boy, Alfred Jingle, Mrs. + Leo Hunter, Lord Mutanhed and Count Smorltork, Arabella Allen and + Bob Allen, Bob Sawyer, Mrs. and Master Bardell, Mrs. Cluppins, Mrs. + Weller, Stiggins, Tony Weller, Sam Weller, and the Lady Traveller. + =Price, 25 cents.= + + +AN EVENING WITH COPPERFIELD. + + A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment.--Introduces Mrs. + Copperfield, Davie, the Peggotys, the Murdstones, Mrs. Gummidge, + Little Em'ly, Barkis, Betsey Trotwood, Mr. Dick and his kite, + Steerforth, the Creakles, Traddles, Rosa Dartle, Miss Mowcher, Uriah + Heep and his Mother, the Micawbers, Dora and Gyp, and the + wooden-legged Gatekeeper. =Price, 25 cents.= + +These "Evenings with Dickens" can be represented in whole or in part, +require but little memorizing, do not demand experienced actors, are not +troublesome to prepare, and are suitable for performance either on the +platform or in the drawing room. + + +THE GYPSIES' FESTIVAL. + + A Musical Entertainment for Young People. Introduces the Gypsy Queen, + Fortune Teller, Yankee Peddler, and a Chorus of Gypsies, of any + desired number. The scene is supposed to be a Gypsy Camp. The + costumes are very pretty, but simple; the dialogue bright; the music + easy and tuneful; and the drill movements and calisthenics are + graceful. Few properties and no set scenery required, so that the + entertainment can be represented on any platform. =Price, 25 cents.= + + +THE COURT OF KING CHRISTMAS. + + A CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENT. The action takes place in Santa Claus land + on Christmas eve, and represents the bustling preparations of St. + Nick and his attendant worthies for the gratification of all + children the next day. The cast may include as many as 36 + characters, though fewer will answer, and the entertainment + represented on a platform, without troublesome properties. The + costumes are simple, the incidental music and drill movements + graceful and easily managed, the dialogue uncommonly good, and the + whole thing quite above the average. A representation of this + entertainment will cause the young folks, from six to sixty, fairly + to turn themselves inside out with delight, and, at the same time, + enforce the important moral of Peace and Good Will. =Price, 25 + cents.= + + +_RECENTLY PUBLISHED._ + + =ILLUSTRATED TABLEAUX FOR AMATEURS.= A new series of _Tableaux + Vivants_, by MARTHA C. WELD. In this series each description is + accompanied with a full-page illustration of the scene to be + represented. + + PART I.--MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAUX.--Contains General Introduction, 12 + Tableaux and 14 Illustrations. =Price, 25 Cents.= + + PART II.--MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAUX.--Contains Introduction, 12 Tableaux + and 12 illustrations. =Price, 25 Cents.= + + =SAVED FROM THE WRECK.= A drama in three acts. Eight male, three female + characters. Time, two hours and a half. =Price, 15 Cents.= + + =BETWEEN TWO FIRES.= A comedy-drama in three acts. Eight male, three + female characters. Time, two hours and a half. =Price, 15 Cents.= + + =BY FORCE OF IMPULSE.= A drama in five acts. Nine male, three female + characters. Time, two hours and a half. =Price, 15 Cents.= + + =A LESSON IN ELEGANCE.= A comedy in one act. Four female characters. + Time, thirty minutes. =Price, 15 Cents.= + + =WANTED, A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK.= A farce in one act. Six male + characters. Time, thirty minutes. =Price, 15 Cents.= + + =SECOND SIGHT.= A farcical comedy in one act. Four male, one female + character. Time, one hour. =Price, 15 Cents.= + + =THE TRIPLE WEDDING.= A drama in three acts. Four male, four female + characters. Time, one hour and a quarter. =Price, 15 cents.= + +=> _Any of the above will be sent by mail, postpaid, to any address, on +receipt of the annexed prices._<= + + +HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 9 Murray St., New York. + + + + +HELMER'S ACTOR'S MAKE-UP BOOK. + +_A Practical and Systematic Guide to the Art of Making up for the +Stage._ + + PRICE, 25 CENTS. + +WITH EXHAUSTIVE TREATMENT ON THE USE OF THEATRICAL WIGS AND BEARDS, THE +MAKE-UP AND ITS REQUISITE MATERIALS, THE DIFFERENT FEATURES AND THEIR +MANAGEMENT, TYPICAL CHARACTER MASKS, ETC. WITH SPECIAL HINTS TO LADIES. +DESIGNED FOR THE USE OF ACTORS AND AMATEURS, AND FOR BOTH LADIES AND +GENTLEMEN. COPIOUSLY ILLUSTRATED. + + +CONTENTS. + +I. THEATRICAL WIGS.--The Style and Form of Theatrical Wigs and Beards. +The Color and Shading of Theatrical Wigs and Beards. Directions for +Measuring the Head. To put on a Wig properly. + +II. THEATRICAL BEARDS.--How to fashion a Beard out of crêpé hair. How to +make Beards of Wool. The growth of Beard simulated. + +III. THE MAKE-UP.--A successful Character Mask, and how to make it. +Perspiration during performance, how removed. + +IV. THE MAKE-UP BOX.--Grease Paints. Grease paints in sticks; Flesh +Cream; Face Powder; How to use face powder as a liquid cream; The +various shades of face powder. Water Cosmétique. Nose Putty. Court +Plaster. Cocoa Butter. Crêpé Hair and Prepared Wool. Grenadine. Dorin's +Rouge. "Old Man's" Rouge. "Juvenile" Rouge. Spirit Gum. Email Noir. +Bear's Grease. Eyebrow Pencils. Artist's Stomps. Powder Puffs. Hares' +Feet. Camels'-hair Brushes. + +V. THE FEATURES AND THEIR TREATMENT.--The Eyes: blindness. The Eyelids. +The Eyebrows: How to paint out an eyebrow or moustache; How to paste on +eyebrows; How to regulate bushy eyebrows. The Eyelashes: To alter the +appearance of the eyes. The Ears. The Nose: A Roman nose; How to use the +nose putty; A pug nose; An African nose; a large nose apparently reduced +in size. The Mouth and Lips: a juvenile mouth; an old mouth; a sensuous +mouth; a satirical mouth; a one-sided mouth; a merry mouth; A sullen +mouth. The Teeth. The Neck, Arms, Hands and Fingernails: Fingernails +lengthened. Wrinkles: Friendliness and Sullenness indicated by wrinkles. +Shading. A Starving character. A Cut in the Face. A Thin Face Made +Fleshy. + +VI. TYPICAL CHARACTER MASKS.--The Make-up for Youth: Dimpled cheeks. +Manhood. Middle Age. Making up as a Drunkard: One method; another +method. Old Age. Negroes. Moors. Chinese. King Lear. Shylock. Macbeth. +Richelieu. Statuary. Clowns. + +VII. SPECIAL HINTS TO LADIES.--The Make-up. Theatrical Wigs and Hair +Goods. + + _Sent by mail, postpaid, to any address, on receipt of the price._ + + + HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, + 9 Murray Street, New York. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of April Fools, by W. F. Chapman + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42103 *** |