diff options
Diffstat (limited to '41820-8.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 41820-8.txt | 6535 |
1 files changed, 0 insertions, 6535 deletions
diff --git a/41820-8.txt b/41820-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index ed51210..0000000 --- a/41820-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,6535 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Champagne Standard, by Mrs. John Lane - - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - - - - -Title: The Champagne Standard - - -Author: Mrs. John Lane - - - -Release Date: January 11, 2013 [eBook #41820] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - - -***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CHAMPAGNE STANDARD*** - - -E-text prepared by sp1nd, Mary Meehan, and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made -available by Internet Archive (http://archive.org) - - - -Note: Images of the original pages are available through - Internet Archive. See - http://archive.org/details/champagnestandar00lanerich - - - - - -THE CHAMPAGNE STANDARD - -by - -MRS. JOHN LANE - -Author of "Kitwyk," "Brown's Retreat," etc. - - - - - - - -London: John Lane, The Bodley Head -New York: John Lane Company -MDCCCCV - -Copyright, 1905, -by John Lane Company - -The Plimpton Press Norwood Mass. U.S.A. - - - - - TO THE PUBLISHER - MY GENIAL AND - SUGGESTIVE CRITIC - - - - -_My Preface_ - - -I was sitting alone with a lead-pencil, having a _tête-à-tête_ with a -sheet of paper. A brisk fire burned on the hearth, and through the -beating of the rain against the little, curved Georgian windows I could -hear the monotonous roll of the sea at the foot of the narrow street, -and the tear and crunching of the pebbles down the shingle as the waves -receded. - -I had been ordered to write a preface to explain the liberty I had taken -in making miscellaneous observations about two great nations, and then -putting a climax to my effrontery by having them printed. So here I was -trying, with the aid of a lead-pencil and a sheet of paper, to construct -a preface, and that without the ghost of an idea how to begin. Nor was -the dim electric light illuminating; nor, in the narrow street, the -nasal invocation of an aged man with a green shade over his eyes, arm -in arm with an aged woman keenly alive to pennies, somewhere out of -whose interiors there emanated a song to the words, "Glowry, glowry, -hallaluh!" - -In fact, all the ideas that did occur to me were miles away from a -preface. It was maddening! I even demanded that the ocean should stop -making such a horrid noise, if only for five minutes. And that set me -idly to thinking what would happen to the world if the tides should -really be struck motionless even for that short space of time. The idea -is so out of my line that it is quite at the service of any distressed -romancer, dashed with science, who, also, may be nibbling his pencil. - -I sat steeped in that profound melancholy familiar to authors who are -required to say something and who have nothing to say. Finally, in a -despair which is familiar to such as have seen the first act of _Faust_, -I invoked that Supernatural Power who comes with a red light and bestows -inspiration. - -"If you'll only help me to begin," I cried, "I'll do the rest!" For I -realised in what active demand his services must be. - -I didn't believe anything would happen. Nothing ever does except in the -first act of _Faust_, and I must really take this opportunity to beg -Faust not to unbutton his old age so obviously. Still, that again has -nothing to do with my preface! - -I reclined on a red plush couch before the fire and thought gloomily of -Faust's buttons, and how the supernatural never comes to one's aid these -material days, when my eyes, following the elegant outlines of the -couch, strayed to a red plush chair at its foot, strangely and -supernaturally out of place. And how can I describe my amazement and -terror when I saw on that red plush chair a big black cat, with his tail -neatly curled about his toes! A strange black cat where no cat had ever -been seen before! He stared at me, and I stared at him. Was he the Rapid -Reply of that Supernatural Power I had so rashly invoked? At the mere -thought I turned cold. - -"Are you a message 'from the night's Plutonian shore'?" I said, -trembling, "or do you belong to the landlady?" - -His reply was merely to blink, and indeed he was so black and the -background was so black that but for his blink I shouldn't have known he -was there. - -"If," I murmured, "he recognises quotations from _The Raven_, it will be -a sign that he is going to stay forever." Whereupon I declaimed all the -shivery bits of that immortal poem, which I had received as a Christmas -present. - -He was so far from being agitated that before I had finished he had -settled down in a cosy heap, with his fore-paws tucked under his black -shirt front, and was fast asleep, delivering himself of the emotional -purr of a tea kettle in full operation. For a moment I was appalled. Was -this new and stodgy edition of _The Raven_ going to stay forever? - -"'Get thee back into the tempest and the night's Plutonian shore,'" I -urged, but all he did was to open one lazy eye, and wink. For a moment I -was frozen with horror. Was I doomed to live forever in the society of a -strange black cat, of possibly supernatural antecedents? - -"'Take thy form from off my door,'" I was about to address him, but -paused, for, strictly speaking, he was not on my door. And just as I -was quite faint with apprehension, common-sense, which does not usually -come to the aid of ladies in distress, came to mine. Like a flash it -came to me that even if he stayed forever, _I_ needn't. I had only taken -the lodgings by the week. He was foiled. - -With a new sense of security I again studied him, and I observed a -subtle change. He was evidently a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde kind of cat. I -became conscious of a complex personality. Though to the careless -observer he might appear to be only a chubby cat, full of purr, to me he -was rapidly developing into something more; in fact, mind was, as usual, -triumphing over matter, and presto! before I knew what he was about, he -had changed into an idea. - -"To call you only a cat!" I cried in fervent gratitude. "Only a cat, -indeed! You are much more than a cat--you are a miracle! You are a -preface!" And so, indeed, he was. - -Like one inspired I thought of his first illustrious ancestor, on four -legs, the one who had once so heroically looked at a king, with the -result that not only did he gain a perpetual permission for his race, -but he has passed into an immortal proverb. That was not his only -glorious deed, however, for it was he who first encouraged the Modest. -If it had not been for that historic cat, what would have become of -them! When the Modest want to say something, no matter how modestly, and -get frightfully snubbed, don't they always declare that "A cat may look -at a king"? Really, that illustrious cat has never had his due! Besides -heaps of other things, is he not the original type of the first true -Republican? I would like to know what the world would have done if he -hadn't looked at the king? Why, it was the first great Declaration of -Independence. - -Besides, don't we owe to him, though hitherto unacknowledged, those -underlying principles of that other glorious Declaration of -Independence, the happy result of which seems to be that tea is so -awfully dear in America? - -No, one doesn't hold with a cat's laughing at a king. No cat should -laugh at a king, for that leads to anarchy and impoliteness and things -going off. It is the cat who looks civilly at kings who has come to -stay, along with republics and free thought. But possibly that is the -one little drawback--thought is so dreadfully free! It used to be rather -select to think, but now everybody thinks, and kings and other important -things are not nearly as sacred as they used to be, and even the Modest -get a chance. I suppose it is the spirit of the Age. - -I had got so far and had to nibble again at my pencil for further -inspiration, when the door opened and my landlady appeared. She is a -worthy woman, and she holds her head on one side like an elderly -canary-bird. - -She spoke with a remnant of breath. - -"If you please, ma'am, we have lost our Alonzo the Brave." - -"You will probably," I replied with great presence of mind, considering -that I had no idea what she was talking about, "find him with the fair -Imogene." - -Here my landlady, with her eyes penetrating the corners, gave a cry of -rapture, "There he is! Glory be!" And she pounced on the black and -purring stranger, who rose and stretched his back to a mountainous -height and his jaws to a pink cavern. - -"This is our Alonzo the Brave," and she pressed his rebellious head -against the pins on her ample bosom. - -"Oh, indeed," I said politely; "and though he is your Alonzo the Brave, -I hope you won't mind his being my preface, will you? And may I ask what -does he like best in the world besides Imogene?" - -Alonzo the Brave had partly wriggled out of her ardent embrace, so that -he now hung suspended by his elastic body, while his legs dangled at -amazing length. - -"Me," and my landlady simpered. - -"I mean in the eating line," I explained. - -Catnip, said his biographer, was his favourite weakness. - -"Then get him a pennyworth of catnip and put it on my bill," I said -benevolently. For I thought as she carried him off struggling, even a -poor preface is cheap at a penny, and without Alonzo the Brave there -would have been no preface, and without his heroic ancestor the Modest -would never have had a chance! - -I do hope this explains the following pages. I have not, like Alonzo's -ancestor, strictly confined my observations to kings. I have, indeed, -ventured to look at all sorts of things, many of them very sublime, and -solemn and important, and some less so; and, as the following pages will -prove, I have availed myself freely of the privilege of the Modest. - -If the two greatest nations of the world have served me as "copy," it is -because they are very near and dear, and the Modest, like more -celebrated writers, have a way of using their nearest and dearest as -"copy," especially their dearest. - -In conclusion, I trust I have adequately explained, by help of Alonzo -the Brave, that it is the privilege of the Modest to make observations -about everything--whether anyone will ever read them, why--that's -another matter. - - -A. E. L. - -KEMPTOWN, January, 1906. - - - - -_Contents_ - - - _Page_ - - The Champagne Standard 1 - - American Wives and English Housekeeping 40 - - Kitchen Comedies 75 - - Entertaining 104 - - Temporary Power 130 - - The Extravagant Economy of Women 153 - - A Modern Tendency 171 - - A Plea for Women Architects 181 - - The Electric Age 188 - - Gunpowder or Toothpowder 196 - - The Pleasure of Patriotism 211 - - Romance and Eyeglasses 220 - - The Plague of Music 230 - - A Domestic Danger 245 - - A Study of Frivolity 259 - - On Taking Oneself Seriously 271 - - Soft-Soap 290 - - - - -_The Champagne Standard_ - - -The other evening at a charming dinner party in London, and in that -intimate time which is just before the men return to the drawing room, I -found myself tête-à-tête with my genial hostess. She leaned forward and -said with a touch of anxiety in her pretty eyes, "Confess that I am -heroic?" - -"Why?" I asked, somewhat surprised. - -"To give a dinner party without champagne." - -It was only then that I realised that we had had excellent claret and -hock instead of that fatal wine which represents, as really nothing else -does, the cheap pretence which is so humorously characteristic of Modern -Society. - -"You see," she said with a deep sigh, "I have a conscience, and I try to -reconcile a modest purse and the hospitality people expect from me, and -that is being very heroic these days, and it does so disagree with me to -be heroic! Besides, people don't appreciate your heroism, they only -think you are mean!" - -I realised at once the truth and absurdity of what she said. It does -require tremendous heroism to have the courage of a small income and to -be hospitable within your means, for by force of bad example hospitality -grows dearer year by year. The increasing extravagance of life is all -owing to those millionaires, and imitation millionaires, whose example -is a curse and a menace. They set the pace, and the whole world tears -after. Because solely of their wealth, or supposed wealth, they are -accepted everywhere, and it is they who have broken down the once -impassable barriers between the English classes, with the result that -the evil which before might have been confined to the highest, now that -extravagant imitation is universal, permeates all ranks even to the -lowest. - -The old aristocracy is giving place to the new millionaires, and it -gladly bestows on them its friendship in exchange for the privilege of -consorting with untold wealth and possible hints on how to make it. The -dignity that hedges about royalty is indeed a thing of the past, since a -bubble king of finance is said to have been too busy to vouchsafe an -audience to an emperor. - -There is nothing in the modern world so absolutely real and convincing -and universal as its pretence. It has set itself a standard of aims and -of living which can best be described as the Champagne Standard. - -To live up to the champagne standard you have to put your best foot -foremost, and that foot is usually a woman's. It is the women who are -the arbiters of the essentially unimportant in life, the neglect of -which is a crime. It is the women who have set the champagne standard. A -man who lays a great stress on the importance of trivialities has either -a worldly woman behind him, or he has a decided feminine streak in his -character. - -Yes, it is the champagne standard; for nothing else so accurately -describes the insincere, pretentious, and frothy striving after one's -little private unattainables. It is aspiration turned sour. Aspirations, -real and true, keep the world progressive, make of men great men and of -women great women; but it is the minor aspirations after what we have -not got, what the accident of circumstances prevents us from having, -which make of life a weariness and a profound disappointment. Not the -tragedies of life make us bitter, but the pin-pricks. - -In America, for instance, one does not need to be so very old to be -aware of the amazing changes in the ways of living, the result of an -unbalanced increase of wealth which has brought with it the imported -complexity of older and more aristocratic countries. It is the older -civilisation's retaliation against those blustering new millions that -have done her such incalculable harm. Indeed, it would have been well -for the great republic had she put an absolutely prohibitive tariff on -the fatal importation. The republican simplicity of our fathers is -slowly vanishing in the blind, mad struggle of modern life--in a -standard of living that is based on folly. It is easier to imitate the -old-world luxury than the old-world cultivation which mellows down the -crudeness of wealth and makes it an accessory and not the principal. -Unfortunately we judge a nation by those of its people who are most in -evidence, and do it the injustice of over-looking the best and finest -types among its wealthiest class: men and women who are the first to -regret and disown what is false and unworthy in their social life. We -assume that the blatant, self-advertising _nouveau riche_, with whom -wealth is the standard of success and virtue, is the national American -type, instead of the worst of many types, whose bad example is as well -recognised as a peril to character in America as in other countries. -Wealth in all nations covers a multitude of sins, but in America, to -judge from recent developments, it would seem to cover crimes. Is not -America now passing through a gigantic struggle, the result of the -hideous modern fight for wealth, in which the common man goes under, -while the reckless speculators who juggled with his hard-earned savings -use these same savings to fight justice to the bitter end? Possibly in -no other enlightened country in the world could such titanic frauds, -with such incalculably far-reaching effects, be so successfully -attempted, and that by a handful of men who had in their keeping the -hopes of countless unsuspecting people who trusted to their honesty and -uprightness. - -The race for wealth in America has become a madness--a disease. It is -not a love of wealth for what it will bring into life, of beauty and -goodness, but a love of millions pure and simple. Who has not seen the -effect of millions on the average human character? Who has not seen men -grow hard and rapacious in proportion as their millions accumulated? Who -has not seen the tendency to judge of deeds and virtue by the same false -standard? A shady transaction performed by a millionaire is condoned -because he is a millionaire and for no other reason. Without millions he -would be shunned, but with them he is regarded with the eyes of a most -benevolent charity. It is high time indeed that a prophet should arise -and preach the simple life, but let him not preach it from below -upwards. He must preach it to the kings of the world and the -billionaires and magnates, and above all to the lady magnates; and let -him be sure not to forget the lady magnates, for they are of the -supremest importance and set the fashion. Let him turn them from their -complicated ways. Now the ways of magnates and all who belong to them -are very instructive. The well-authenticated story goes that at a dinner -party the other night at a magnate's,--to describe his indescribable -importance it is sufficient to call a man a magnate--after the ladies -returned to the drawing-room, the hostess, her broad expanse tinkling -and glittering with diamonds, leaned back in a great tufted chair--just -like a throne _en déshabille_--and shivered slightly. A footman went in -search of the lady's maid. - -"Françoise," said the magnate's lady with languid magnificence, "I feel -chilly; bring me another diamond necklace." - -Yes, let the prophet first convert the magnate and the magnate's "lady" -to a simpler life, then the simple life will undoubtedly become the -fashion, for the small fry will follow soon enough. Are we not all like -sheep? And what is the use of arguing with sheep who are leaping after -the bellwether? - -There is one safeguard for the American republic, and that is, in -default of any other description, its ice-water-drinking class. In its -ice-water-drinking class lies its safety, for that represents the -backbone of the republic. It represents a class which, in spite of the -sanitary drawbacks of ice, is a national asset. It seems curious to -boast of the people who drink ice-water, and yet they represent American -life, simple, sincere, and untouched by the sophistries of the champagne -standard, and of a social ambition imported from abroad; decently well -off people, but not so well off but that the only heritage of their sons -will be a practical education. Already we are reaping the curse of -inherited wealth in America, where, unlike England, it has no duties to -keep the balance. The English aristocrat has inherited political duties -and responsibilities towards his country which, as a rule, he -faithfully performs, and which make of him a hard-working man. -Unfortunately it is the fashion for the rich American, in his race for -wealth and pleasure, or out of sheer indolence, to ignore politics and -all that is of vital importance in national life. And until the best -elements of the nation take a practical interest in the government of -their country and in the administration of its great institutions, the -nation cannot reach its highest development. Just now, unhappily, we -have a warning example of what happens in America to the second -generation that inherits instead of makes incalculable wealth. The -District Attorney of New York, in a case which has shaken the foundation -of all commercial rectitude, is quoted as saying of the still young man -whom the accident of inheritance placed in a position of despotic power -over millions of money and millions of modest hopes: "He is an excellent -type of the second generation." It is an epigram which should be a -warning, as the cause is a menace to American business methods. For did -not Emerson say, studying American ways more than a generation ago when -American life was simpler: "It takes three generations from -shirt-sleeves to shirt-sleeves." But in that warning there is hope, for -in the scattering of wealth lies America's chance of salvation. Plain -living and high thinking once characterised what was best in American -life, and the men and women whose thoughts were high and whose living -plain were mostly from that simple ice-water-drinking class that has -produced much of the nobility and patriotism of America. That ice-water -has helped to encourage dyspepsia, granted; but even a great virtue can -have its defects. - -How different was the America of our childhood! One remembers the -time when, if the honoured guest was not invited to quench his thirst -with ice-water at the hospitable board, he was, as a great treat, -furnished with cider. Claret was the drink of those adventurous souls -who had traditions and had been abroad. There was no champagne -standard--champagne only graced the table on solemn, state occasions. -But in these rapid days the hospitable people who would once have -offered you a serious glass of claret now give you champagne. And -because Smith, who can afford it, gives you good champagne, Jones, who -cannot afford it, gives you bad champagne. But the bad and the good -champagne are both tied up in white cloths, as if they had the -toothache, so how awfully lucky it is that when the label is fifth-rate, -Mrs. Jones, trusting in the shrouded shape, can offer bad champagne with -ignorant satisfaction. - -It is interesting to study the evolution of Jones. There was Jones's -father; he didn't pretend. He lived in a modest house and kept one -servant and had a fat bank account. Old Mrs. Jones, a charming woman -with the manners of a duchess, helped in the housework. Old Jones dined -all the days of his life at one o'clock, and had a "meat-tea" at six. At -ten every night he ate an apple, and then he went to bed at ten-thirty. -He left a handsome fortune to his children, who shared alike, which made -Jones, Jr., only comfortably off. Now young Jones and his wife began by -following in the footsteps of their parents, but Jones made money in -business, and the result was that Mrs. Jones had aspirations. -Aspirations are always a feminine attribute. So Jones bought a -fashionable house, and instead of one servant Mrs. Jones keeps four; -instead of a joint and pie, American pie, for which his simple appetite -longs, Jones has a six-course dinner at eight which gives him dyspepsia. -There is not the ghost of a doubt that Mrs. Jones is too afraid of the -servants to have a plain dinner. And it is also quite certain that she -goes to a fashionable church for a social impetus rather than divine -uplifting, and that she sends her only child, Petra Jones, to a -fashionable kindergarten so that the unfortunate child, who is at an age -when she ought to be making mud pies, shall be early launched into -fashionable friendships. Indeed, one day, in a burst of confidence, Mrs. -Jones described how Petra had been snubbed. It seems that the Jones's -child met another small school-fellow in the park in custody of the last -thing in French nurses. Being only six and still unsophisticated in the -ways of fashion, she rushed up to the young patrician and suggested -their playing together. - -"No, I can't play with you," the young patrician sniffed--"for my ma -don't call on your ma." - -Why is it that the pin-pricks of life are so much harder to bear than -its tragedies? Mrs. Jones mourned over this snub to the pride of Jones, -but she has no leisure to observe that Jones, her husband, is meanwhile -growing old and hollow-eyed with care and business worries and the -expense of aspiring. O champagne standard! O foolish Mrs. Jones! - -As long as we can be snubbed and suffer what is the use of telling us -that we are born free and equal? The only liberty we have is to breathe, -and our equality consists in that, plebeian and patrician alike, we are -permitted to take in as much air as our infant lungs can accommodate. -After that our equality ceases. - -When Mrs. Jones goes to the expense of giving a dinner party, does she -only invite her nearest and dearest, who are acquainted with the extent -of Jones's purse? Not a bit of it. She invites most of her enemies and -some strangers. There really should be a limit to the attention one -bestows on the stranger within his gates. - -There was dear old Mrs. Carter Patterson in the days of my youth. She -was a funny old woman with a nose like a beak, a rusty Chantilly lace -veil, and a black front. She stopped my mother in the street and -explained that she was in a tearing hurry as she was about to call on -Mrs. Mangles. - -"Why, I thought," and my simple mother hesitated, "I thought you said -you hated her." - -"So I do, my dear, so I do, but I always make a point of calling on my -enemies, it's no use calling on one's friends." - -Who has not studied the increasing difficulty of that surgical operation -called the launching of a young girl into modern society. Every year it -grows more and more difficult--society seems to form a kind of trust to -keep out the young girl, at least to judge from the extreme difficulty -of getting her in; and after she is in, the bitterness of it, and -vexation of spirit, only the young girl knows. The operation is -different in different countries, though one has heard of the agonies -endured in England during the process. In America the ceremony is as -expensive as a wedding. Because one girl has had a huge coming-out -reception, that shakes her pa's cheque book to its centre, why the other -girl must have a still bigger one. - -I have been a witness to the coming out of Maria's only child Nancy. The -education of Nancy was not so much to teach her anything, as to give her -the best opportunity of making fashionable acquaintances. It was my -privilege to study her mother's heroic efforts to get Nancy into a -fashionable dancing-school, the entrance to which gave the fortunate one -that supreme distinction which nothing else could. Twice "mother" -failed, and she wept in my presence in sheer weariness of soul, but the -third time Nancy got in--not triumphantly, but she slipped in by some -oversight of a fashionable matron whose duty it was to keep out -ineligible little children, and "mother" was happy, though the little -"400" boys in the round dances did neglect Nancy, who looked shyly and -wistfully about, a small melancholy wall-flower, with her eyes swimming -with tears, as the little boys wisely footed it with all the most -eligible of the "400" little girls. It is very instructive to see how -early the sense of worthy worldly wisdom develops itself! - -But Nancy had passed through all these stages of social martyrdom, and -had comfortably hardened. Talk of the Spartan boy with the fox nibbling -at his vitals! There are worse things than having a fox nibble at your -vitals--Nancy knew. - -When I met "mother" the morning of the coming-out of Nancy, she was -nearly in a condition of nervous prostration. The house was in the -clutches of florists and caterers, and father had fled to his office -with the strict injunction not to appear until late in the afternoon. -The awful problems were two: Would Nancy get as many bouquets as a rival -"bud"--the technical name for a debutante--who had reached the acme of -social distinction with two hundred and thirty-five, and would enough -people come to make a show? - -"I shall die if she doesn't get as many bouquets as that Bell girl," -"mother" cried in an ecstasy of nervous anguish, "but she has only got -two hundred and ten." - -"It's as bad as getting married," I cried sympathetically. - -"Quite," and Maria groaned; "and without any real result." - -Between a confusion of carpet covering and potted plants I went upstairs -in search of the "bud." - -"Only two hundred and ten bouquets," she cried in a tempest -of discontent, "and Betty Bell (the rival bud) is to have a -five-thousand-dollar ball and I am not! Mother says it isn't giving the -ball she'd mind, but it's people not coming. It's easy enough sending -out invitations, but the mean thing is, people accept and don't come. -That's the latest fashion," cried this bitter "bud." "Mother said she'd -be mortified to death to give a ball and have nobody but the waiters to -drink up the champagne. We're of just enough importance to have our -invitations accepted and thrown over if anything better turns up." - -Such was her perfectly justifiable wail. - -That afternoon at six I came again in my best clothes. A reception is -after all the simplest of social functions. It entails no obligations, -and is as democratic as an electric car. It is perhaps one of the few -functions in which even the noblest society may use its elbows, and as a -school for staring, the kind that sees through the amplest human body as -if it were mere air, nothing could be more useful and practical. It is -an interesting study to observe how the female lorgnette is on such -occasions so triumphant an impediment to sight. - -Well, the whole street proclaimed the coming-out of Nancy. Carriages -lined the curbstones and an awning announced the festive nature of the -occasion. A band, crowded into a cubby-hole usually sacred to "father's" -overcoats and umbrellas, tried vainly to penetrate the talk--there was a -dense crush of human beings, and over all there was a mixed aroma of hot -air, flowers, and coffee. At the top of the "parlour," before a bank of -flowers, and burdened with bouquets, stood Nancy, all in expensive white -simplicity, her face radiant, and supported by an utterly exhausted -mother. Six young men who served as ushers, in collars tall enough for -a giraffe, brought up relays of friends to be introduced to mother and -"bud"--all just like a wedding, only the hero was wanting, and for -"mother's" sake one did wish the occasion had had a hero. Last year's -"buds" were brought up and examined this year's "bud," and there was a -great deal of chatter and hand-shaking, of the pump-handle kind, and a -pushing past each other of magnificent matrons in the latest things in -hats. - -I was escorted up by one of the young giraffes, who solemnly introduced -me. A mighty different "bud" this from the one of the morning. - -"I've got two hundred and forty bouquets," she whispered triumphantly; -and just then I caught mother's weary eye and knew as absolutely as one -knows anything in this uncertain world that "father" had sent in thirty. -Really, there is nothing so loving, so generous and so weak in this wide -world as an American father. - -I was swept on by a crush of prosperous matrons accompanied by -expensively simple daughters--the matrons making obviously disparaging -mental criticisms about each other's daughters. For real simple, -unassuming jealousy there is nothing like rival mothers! So I was pushed -into the dining-room where the chief ornaments were four Gibson girls in -party frocks who, at a flower-laden centre-table, in the mellow light of -rose-shaded candles, dispensed glances, coffee, smiles, and tea, and -other frivolous afternoon refreshments. They had the best of it, these -beautiful young things at the table, especially when they could annex an -occasional man. - -At half past seven the last visitor had gone, the function was over and -Nancy was "out," and "mother" sat drearily on a couch which had the -demoralised air of furniture horribly out of place. Everything drooped -except those stalwart American beauty roses, so costly, so splendid, so -hard, and so unromantic. O national flower of Americans! - -I caught a glimpse of "father" vanishing down the front steps on his way -to the club. Nancy had flung herself into a big deep chair, and from -this point she looked coldly at "mother." - -"The Perkinses did not come," was all she said, but "mother" gave a -start and groaned. The Perkinses represented the bloom of the occasion, -and the Perkinses had not come. There was nothing further to be -said--Maria did remark that it was as expensive as a wedding. "And to -think it isn't dinner time yet," she added drearily. - -"At any rate Nancy is 'out,'" I said. - -"But it was horribly expensive." - -"Well, then, what did you have all this expense and bother for?" - -"One has to do it," she cried in stony despair; "it's our standard--" - -"Champagne standard," I interrupted. - -"I don't know what you mean." Maria has all the virtues, but no sense of -humour. - -"Then, for goodness' sake, why have her come out at all?" - -Maria shuddered and looked cautiously about. Nancy had vanished. - -"I'd die of mortification if she didn't marry. I won't have her turn on -me and say I hadn't given her a chance." - -"But, Maria, you married your good and prosperous Samuel without coming -out. That didn't frighten him away! The highest standard your parents -ever aspired to was cider, and that only on state occasions." - -"That is all changed," said my unhappy friend. "We have got to--" - -"Pretend; that's just it, Maria! But why don't you give up pretending -and be happy? Did our parents ever pretend? They didn't. Think of your -father's simple home and his big bank account, and then think of your -Samuel with all his expenses and his cares." - -But Maria was not to be convinced by argument--she was completely -crushed by the Perkinses not having come, and she declared obstinately -that her supreme duty in life was to get Nancy married--well if -possible, but at any rate married. - - * * * * * - -Maria is only a type, but she stands for aspirations in the wrong place, -and she is worn out with it. She has many virtues--that is, she has no -vices. Her whole soul is wrapped up in Nancy. Nancy is her religion. She -believes in Nancy, though she never took her Samuel seriously. She -married him in the simple period of her existence, and by the time she -began to aspire she had other ideals, and Samuel was more of a bore to -her than an ideal. Samuel did not take to her new aspirations as readily -as she. Men never do. Nancy constituted her romance; and yet she was an -impartial mother, for mothers can be divided in two classes, those who -are too partial and those who are impartial. Her mission in life was to -marry off Nancy. - -"I'd rather she'd be married unhappily than not at all," she said to me -one day when I saw her again. "A real unhappiness is more healthy to -bear than an imaginary one." - -Nancy herself furnished the particulars of her own private creed. - -"I'd rather be married even if I were unhappy. It's my own unhappiness, -and I want my own whatever it is." - -I suggested that there were other aims in life than getting married. - -"Perhaps," she said, "but I haven't any. I've been brought up to that. -Most girls are, only they don't tell. I haven't to earn my living and I -haven't any talent for anything. If I don't marry, Ma'll be mortified -to death and she'll show it and that'll make me mad. Father won't care -and he won't notice that I'm growing older, though we girls don't grow -old prettily. We get pinched, and our little hands--for we have little -hands--grow clawy, and our hair gets thin at the temples, and we have -too much gold in our front teeth. Of course we are real pretty when we -are happy. But think of spending life seeing father go to sleep after -dinner, and mother playing patience--ugh! I've told mother if she -doesn't take me abroad I'll go slumming. There's no chance here. Half -the men are too busy making money to get married and the others are -afraid." - -"So this is your education," I said later on to Maria; "I am glad you -have only one child." - -"So am I," said Maria wearily, "for two would kill me." - -Then in a burst of confidence: "She hangs fire. She isn't strikingly -plain nor strikingly beautiful, one's about as good as the other. She -has no accomplishments, and her golf is only so so. She isn't fast, nor -loud, nor smart. She is just an average girl and," Maria cried in -vexation, "there are such heaps of them. The luncheons and dinners and -theatre parties I have given without result! It is so tiresome for her -always to be bridesmaid. So we're going abroad. Father is willing to -live at the Club. Our men are too comfortable to get married. It's -simply wicked!" - -"Maria," I said from my inmost conviction, "you have manoeuvred, with -the result that you have frightened off the eligibles--struggling -eligibles, and those are sometimes the best. But what struggler would -dare to ask a champagne-standard girl to keep his "flat"? It's flats -these days. He wouldn't think of dragging a white-tulled angel from a -palatial residence to a flat and a joint! You have frightened off the -young men. Marriage is getting out of fashion, and so are the comforts -of a home. It's all your fault, you champagne-standard mothers!" - -Such was the coming-out of Nancy. - -Now in my young days there was certainly no formal coming-out. All I -remember is that one day I still wore my hair in two pigtails, and the -next day old Mrs. Barnett Pendexter called. She was a fumbly old woman -with her fingers, and by accident--my sisters always declared--she left -two cards instead of one. The fatal result was that my pigtails were -pinned up and I was dragged out by my mother when she made calls, for -she declared, being socially learned, that now I was undoubtedly out. It -was also a little surgical operation in a minor way, but compared to -these days how simple and how inexpensive. - -If one were asked which of the passions is the greatest force in modern -Society, one could safely reply "jealousy." Jealousy makes the world go -round. Don't we want what all our neighbours have, and don't we want it -with all our might and main? If we want it badly enough crime will not -stand in the way of getting it. Is it not at the bottom of most of our -defalcations, embezzlements, and commercial dishonesty in general? The -bank president who borrows the bank funds for his private use, the -cashier who falsifies the books, the little clerk who embezzles as the -result of expensive tastes,--are they not all the results of the -falsity and extravagance of modern life? Compared to the judicious -business man who keeps just within the border line that saves him from -the criminal law, and who lays traps for his credulous fellow-creatures -in the shape of alluring companies, the pickpocket, who runs some little -risk, is a blameless and worthy character. The champagne standard is the -whole world's measure, and even justice bows to it when it interprets -its laws for the rich and the poor. A company promoter, who in the -course of his career has wrecked thousands of lives, can, if he is only -rich enough, consort with the noblest and most virtuous of the land; but -of course he must be rich enough. Deny it who can? Be rich enough and -you are forgiven all crimes. O Champagne Standard! - -Last year a certain deceased millionaire was tried in London for -gigantic frauds, and all the newspapers described how pleasantly he -greeted his friends when he entered the court and took his seat behind -his counsel. Positively not a bit proud. There was also a sympathetic -description of his clothes! The moral is, be a scoundrel on a -magnificent scale and you are still respected; indeed, you even become a -hero in some people's eyes. Justice being blindfolded cannot see, which -is a great convenience. Besides, are we not taught that God helps those -who help themselves? - -In America there is no aristocracy yet, but God help it when the time -arrives, for it will be an aristocracy based on the most unworthy of -foundations--money. As for romantic traditions, well, it will take -several centuries to weave a halo of romance around a pork-packer, a -petroleum magnate, a railroad wrecker, or the company promoters who -flourish as the green bay tree. In centuries they may arrive at the -dignity of being ancestors--at present they are just what they are, and -are to be judged accordingly. - -There is a growing mania in America these days for ancestors. It is a -luxury which can be indulged in only after people have accumulated -money. If you are grubbing for your daily bread it is a matter of -profound indifference to you where you came from, seeing what you have -reached is so unsatisfactory. But when your bank-book bursts with -deposits and your greed for money is partly satisfied, it is natural -that you should look out for new fields for your aspirations. So wealthy -Americans are just now very busy unearthing ancestors, in spite of not -becoming parents, and getting their genealogical tree planted, and -rummaging in the dust of the past for possible forefathers, and buying -family portraits. Yes, there is a great trade in family portraits--the -dingier the better. At any rate it keeps the pot boiling for many a -worthy painter, and that is something. Not that one has a rooted -aversion to ancestors--they are not to be despised if they leave you an -honourable name, a nice old estate, and cash and some brains, but there -are ancestors of whom the less said the better, and whose only legacy -would appear to be a slanting forehead, a weak chin, and a tendency to -unlimited viciousness. - -The Herald's College could tell many a queer story of our sturdy -republicans in search of their forbears. An English woman told me that a -New York family had annexed a crusading forefather of her own, as well -as one who had had his head chopped off, and to whom they had no more -right than the grocer round the corner. She acknowledged that they were -a pretty bad lot (the ancestors), but she objected to have strangers -meddle with them. "You are funny republicans," she added genially, -"coming over here and grabbing our ancestors." - -Now there is nothing so frank as a frank Englishwoman. "What is the use -of celebrated ancestors," she added, "if your whole present family are -as dull as ditch-water and bore you to distraction? I'd swap off my -crusading ancestor and my chopped-off-head one any time for a cousin -with brains. But mind you, I don't want your American millionaires -grabbing 'em without leave." - -There are the Bedfords of New York. Susan and I went to school together. -Hitherto she has put on no airs with me, for I know the family -traditions, and that her excellent father began life as a cobbler. Then -he forsook cobbling and started a corset manufactory, which was a -distinguished success because he had invented a bone so like the -whale's that even that clever fish could not have proved it wasn't his; -and the deception made the old man's fortune. Thereupon he rose superior -and soared from corsets to real estate, and in real estate he made what -was briefly described as "mints." It was in the corset period that Susan -married Joe Bedford who was a drummer in the business, and though he -retired from corsets and went into real estate along with his -father-in-law, Susan was always conscious that he could never -accommodate himself to the grandeur of his new life. She had to do all -the aspiring, and it was she who passed a sponge over their previous -existence, and every time I saw them in New York she had added a new -lustre to their glory. The last time the door was opened to me by a -footman, brooded over, as it were, by the very noblest kind of English -butler. I saw at once that the whole family were afraid to death of him. -But in spite of her grandeur, Susan herself saw me downstairs to the -front door, in the American fashion, though conscious of the profound -and stony disapproval of the English butler. As I came opposite the hat -rack I caught sight of a satin banner covered with cabalistic characters -floating gently over Joe's modest bowler that swung from a peg. - -"Our coat of arms," Susan explained by way of introduction. "Just come -home. It cost a great deal; everything costs so much. We have the same -arms as the Duke of Bedford. It is pleasant to have a duke in the -family." - -"Since when?" I asked, and stared in astonishment. - -"I found them in the dictionary six months ago. I had it done at -Tiffany's. It looks so stylish on the plates and the writing paper." - -"Come in here, Susan," and I led her into her own parlour, for I did not -wish to lower her in the estimation of that noble being who was -preparing his mighty mind to show me out. "Listen to me; you and Joe -haven't any more to do with the Duke of Bedford than the cat's foot. -Besides, his name isn't Bedford but Russell. For goodness' sake don't -make such an idiot of yourself." - -"I guess," and Susan was deeply offended, "I guess the young man at -Tiffany's knows more about it than you do. He engraves for the first -families, and he said it was all right." - -It was quite recently, too, that I crossed from Boston with three gentle -female pilgrims in search of an ancestor. The youngest was nearly -seventy, and we were barely out of sight of that famous tail of land -called "Cape Cod" when they told me their simple story. They came from -Cape Cod and their homestead stood on a sandhill and faced the sea. A -long straggling street up a sand bank culminated in a meeting-house with -a steeple as sharp as a toothpick. They were innocent and graphic old -ladies and they had only two vivid interests in life; one was a -Devonshire ancestor supposed to have died three hundred years before, -and the other, two cats called respectively Priscilla and John Alden. -The ancestor was the one romance of their placid lives, and it became a -question of going to find him, now or never; so here they were. They had -turned the key in the lock of their Cape Cod homestead and bidden a -long farewell to Priscilla and John Alden, and as they described their -grief I saw their three pairs of benevolent eyes fill with tears. - -"The sweetest cats that ever breathed," said the oldest, with a face -like a benediction. - -"What did you do with them?" I asked after a sympathetic pause. - -"We chloroformed them," said the dear old thing whose face was like a -benediction. - -I offered up an involuntary smile to the manes of these deceased -martyrs, Priscilla and John Alden, and I am absolutely sure the ancestor -wasn't worth the sacrifice. - -Fortunately or unfortunately, the champagne standard, like hotel -cooking, has no nationality. It is everywhere, and one studies it -according to one's experience, but it is undoubtedly the curse of an age -that only judges of success by material results. It is above everything -a menace to character. - -Modern life is the apotheosis of trivialities, and perhaps there is -nothing more curious and melancholy than to observe their exaggerated -importance to the world in general. One asks what is the use of such -childish fretting to people confronted by tragic realities. What is the -use of snubbing any one as if we were immortal? The truth is, each, in -his own estimation, is immortal. Who thinks of dying? Why, if we -expected to die at once, we certainly would not snub any one, and, in -the face of so tragic a probability, we would not notice being snubbed. -And yet there is absolutely nothing so absolutely certain as death, -before which every pretence, every ignoble aspiration, every sordid -ambition, stands naked and futile and, in some other world possibly, -ashamed. - -But one cannot help wondering what kind of a blissful place the world -would be without the champagne standard. How good and honest we should -be if we didn't pretend--how easy it would be to live! Are not most of -the trials of life, apart from its tragedies, its results? Most of our -harrowing anxieties usually have their rise in aiming at what is beyond -our reach. And yet what, in the name of common sense, what is it all -for? What is the use of pretending? What is the use of doing things -badly when it is so much easier not to do them at all? - -Yes, indeed, the greatest heroism in these days is to have the courage -of one's income. It is possibly a little awkward at first, but what a -relief to be able to say simply, "I can't afford it," and not lose -caste! But Modern Society is ruled over by "Appearances." Appearances -are a kind of Juggernaut which requires our happiness and peace and -contentment as a daily sacrifice--but not the wise and honourable -appearances, but the little, mean, false ones, and those are the most -common. - -One is inclined to think, however, that even the champagne standard may -yet find its Nemesis. For if the world goes on at its present rate all -its wealth will in time be swallowed up by the Trusts, and the Trusts -will in turn be swallowed up by the mighty maws of the few whom God, in -his righteous wrath, permits to plunder the earth, just as He once -permitted a deluge for the regeneration of the world. And the blessed -result will be that the whole wide world, being as poor as the -traditional church mouse, will come to its senses, and the first thing -that will happen will be the abolishing of the champagne standard. So -herein lies the world's salvation, to be saved it must be ruined; and -for the first time Trusts may be looked upon in the light of the -benevolent saviours of mankind. When we are all as poor as the most -plausible of them can make us, and that is saying a good deal, behold we -shall then finally cease to pretend. - -Of course each of us has his own ideal of the millennium, but with -multi-millionaires setting the pace, and all the rest of the world -racing after, it must be agreed that the millennium is not yet. But when -it does come, there will be no more champagne standard, and each person -will be judged after his honest value and not his purse. If he has a -noble soul nobody will mind if he is a bit shabby, and if he is a man of -brains he may even live at the wrong end of the town. In that happy day -everybody will have the courage of his income, no matter how small, and -when one is shown hospitality it will not be according to the champagne -standard, but according to a standard of honest kindness; and no matter -how simple it is, if it is only a crust of bread, no one will criticise, -and no one will apologise. If in that blissful time Jones dines in a -cut-away, why not? And yet is it not true in these days that Jones's -fine character is often enough overlooked in a disapproving -contemplation of his coat? - -However, the millennium has not arrived, and the simpler life, though -the fashion as a subject for sermons, is certainly not practised--as -yet. - -Recently a king of finance gave a great musical function--the gambols of -the rich and great are always called functions. There were so many -billionaires present that a modest millionaire was quite out of it. -Everything was of the costliest, the lighting was entirely by radium, -and the music provided was of an expense supremely worthy of even the -consideration of billionaires. The very greatest violinist had been -induced, by the offer of a small fortune, to play, and indeed, while he -played, the host and another billionaire intimate amused themselves -calculating the money value of each tone at the rate the great artist -demanded for playing. Just as they finished, and he finished, and a -languid murmur signified the approval of the glittering audience, the -young daughter of the billionaire host, who had, apparently, not -received the last polish in the school of unutterable wealth, put an -entreating hand on her father's arm: - -"Do please introduce me," and she mentioned a very famous name, "he does -play so divinely." - -"My child," and the magnate, who had started life peddling tripe, spoke -with haughty disfavour and drew his eyebrows together in a frown, "we -pay such people, but we don't know them." - -O Champagne Standard! - - - - -_American Wives and English Housekeeping_ - - -The clever woman who wrote _American Wives and English Husbands_, put -her Californian heroine in a position in which the one problem she was -not required to solve was English housekeeping. She might break her -heart over her English husband, but the author does not add to our pangs -by relating how her American bride, having first studied the -peculiarities of her Englishman, next varied her soul's trials by -"wrestling" with the lower but equally irritating problems prepared for -her by the English tradesmen. Under which general term are included all -the male and female creatures who, having helped to set up a brand-new -household, immediately proceed to hinder it from running. - -The problem of English husbands I leave to more gifted pens, but I may -perhaps be permitted to tell what the American woman experiences, who, -having "pulled up stakes," plants herself on English soil. This era of -international marriages is not at all confined to the daughters of -American millionaires who can afford the luxury of English dukes. Nor, -in giving my experiences, do I address the prospective Anglo-American -duchess, who would not be likely to spend several sleepless nights, -trying to decide whether she should or should not take her carpets or -the "ice-chest." However, it is well to give one little word of advice -to the American girl proposing to turn herself into an Englishwoman; and -that is, she must be very sure of her Englishman, because for him she -gives up friends and country, and he has to be that and more to her. - -America has a bad reputation for being a very expensive place in which -to live. The large earnings are offset, it is said, by expenses out of -proportion to the wages. Both facts are exaggerated; and, in contrasting -English and American housekeeping, one of the first reasons, I have -decided, why English living flies away with money is that the currency -itself tends to expense. - -To start with, the English unit of money value is a penny--the American -a cent, but observe that a penny is _two_ cents in value. I am asked -eightpence for a pound of tomatoes; I think "how cheap" until I make a -mental calculation, "sixteen cents, that's dear." It is the guileless -penny which, like the common soldier, does the mighty executions and -swells the bill. One looks on the penny as a cent, and that is the -keynote of the expense of living in London. - -To go farther into the coinage: there is the miserable half-crown--it is -more than half-a-dollar, and yet it only represents a half-dollar in -importance. "What shall I give him?" I ask piteously of my Englishman -when a fee is in question. "Oh, half-a-crown," is his reply. I obey, and -mourn over twelve-and-a-half cents thrown away with no credit to myself. - -Poor English people who have no dollar! Don't talk of four shillings! -Four shillings are a shabby excuse for two self-righteous half-crowns. -Oh, for a good simple dollar! Five dollars make a sovereign, roughly -speaking--that wretched and delusive coin which is no sooner changed -into shillings and half-crowns than it disappears like chaff before the -wind. Now good dollars would repose in one's purse, either in silver or -greenbacks (very dirty, but never mind!), and demand reflection before -spending. - -Think of the importance of a man's salary multiplied by dollars! The -wealth of France is undoubtedly due to her coinage--francs are the money -of a thrifty middle-class--the English coinage is intended for peers of -the realm and paupers. A hundred pounds a year is not a vast income, but -how much better it sounds in dollars--five hundred dollars; if, however, -you multiply it by francs, twenty-five hundred francs, why it sounds -noble! Count an Englishman's income by hundreds, and it does seem -shabby! Dollars, when you have four thousand to spend, represent a value -quite out of proportion to the eight hundred pounds they really are. - -Change your English coinage--don't have half-crowns or sovereigns, but -nice simple dollars (call them by any other name if you are too proud to -adopt dollars), and see the new prosperity that will dawn on the -middle-classes. A little tradesman struggling along on one hundred and -fifty pounds a year will feel like a capitalist on seven hundred and -fifty dollars. This is not straying from the subject, for it was my -first observation in English economics. - -On the other hand, the days have passed in America for the making of -sudden and great fortunes, nor are the streets paved with gold. The lady -from County Cork does not step straight from the steerage into a Fifth -Avenue drawing-room (unless by way of the kitchen), but there's work, -and there are good wages; and if the lady from County Cork and her -brothers and cousins would work as hard in Ireland as they do in the -United States, that perplexing island would bloom like a rose. That -their fences are always tumbling down, even over there, and their broken -windows stuffed with rags, is only an amiable national trait to which -the Irish are loyal even in America, just to remind them of home. - -"Everything is cheaper in England," they all said when the decisive step -whether to take or leave the contents of our large house had to be -taken. "It won't be worth packing, taking, and storing. Send everything -to auction." - -That was the advice. I compromised, and one day half of the dear -familiar household gods were trundled off to be sold--alas! and the -elect were left to be packed. Every American house has a grass-grown, -fenced-in space at the back of the house called a yard, for the drying -and bleaching of the laundry. Ours was invaded by three decent men and -piles of pine boards, and then the making of cases and the packing -began. - -The packing was contracted for. The chief of the firm came, looked -through each room, estimated, and gave us the price of the whole work -completed and placed on the freight steamer. One is told that the -English are the best packers in the world, but I have had more damage -done in two cases sent from Bristol to London than in eighty cases sent -from Boston to Liverpool. The three men worked three weeks, and then -took all the cases out of the house and put them on the freight steamer, -and the price of all this wonderful packing was about forty pounds. What -will surprise an English person is that not one of these men expected a -fee. My one ceaseless regret is that I did not take everything, from the -kitchen poker to the mouse-trap. - -On the arrival of our eighty cases in London, they were received by the -warehouse people, who sheltered them until the brand-new English house -was ready, which was not for a year. The packing, sending, and storing -of all this furniture was under one hundred pounds, which, with my -English experience, I knew would have bought nothing. I did question the -wisdom of bringing carpets, and I do not think it pays unless they are -very good and large--the remaking and cleaning cost too much to waste on -anything not very good. Having my furniture safely landed, the next step -was to get a house. - -One finds that the moderate rents asked for English houses is -misleading, for in addition the tenant is expected to pay the rates and -taxes, which add to the original rent one-third more, only somehow this -fact is ignored. Get a house for one hundred and fifty pounds, and you -can add fifty pounds to that by way of rates and taxes. Nor does that -enable you to get anything very gorgeous in the shape of a house, but -one obtainable for about the same price in New York or Boston, minus -those comforts which Americans have come to consider as a matter of -course, until they learn better in England. Only in flats are the rates -and taxes included in the rent, and when flats are desirable they are -expensive. - -Now, living in flats is undoubtedly the result of worrying servants, and -it is obtaining here as rapidly as the English ever accept a new -idea--but being impelled by despair they are becoming popular. Small -flats for "bachelor-maids" and childless couples are abundant and well -enough, but for families who decline to be trodden on by their nearest -and dearest these are nearly impossible, and when possible very dear. - -The "flat" contrived for the "upper middle classes" is a terror, and is -devoid of the comforts invented by American ingenuity and skill, and the -good taste which makes American domestic architecture and decoration so -infinitely superior to all. I do not wish to be misunderstood--if money -is no object one can be as comfortable in London as in New York, but I -am only addressing the "comfortably off." - -In New York I was taken to see a very inexpensive flat, which proved to -me that the average man can make himself thoroughly comfortable there. -It was in an "apartment house" near Central Park. The street was broad -and airy. To be sure the flat was up three flights, and there was no -lift--but that is nothing. It consisted of four rooms, besides a kitchen -and bathroom, and a servant's room. It was entirely finished in oak, and -the plumbing was all nickel-plated and open, and it was furnished with -speaking tubes. In the nice kitchen was an ice-box, and the kitchen -range was of the best. This model flat cost six pounds a month, -including heating, and could be given up at a month's notice. - -No model flat turning up here, we were reduced to take a house, for -which we were willing to give from one hundred and fifty to two hundred -pounds. The agony of that search, and the horror of the various mansions -offered! For the first time I recognised the wisdom of putting no -clothes-closets in London houses, when I think of the repositories of -dirt they would inevitably become. - -At that time I was not on such intimate terms with the climate as I have -since become, and did not understand that it is humanly impossible to -rise triumphant over fogs, smuts, and beetles. For my benefit, grim and -dingy caretakers rose out of the bowels of the earth as out of a -temporary tomb (always in bonnets), and showed us over awful houses in -which every blessed thing had been carried away, even to the door knobs -and the key-holes--that is of course the metal around the holes. - -Awful, closetless houses, guiltless of comfort, with dreary grates -promising a six months' shiver, and great gaunt windows rattling -forebodingly. As for the plumbing--but it is well to drop a curtain over -the indescribable. One does protest, however, against the people who -live in these houses--houses whose discomfort an American artisan would -not tolerate--looking with ineffable self-complacency on their methods, -and sniffing at our American ingenuity and our determination to make -life comfortable. - -Of course we got a house, thanks to no estate agent, but as we could not -rent it we had to buy it--or rather the thirty-eight years' remnant of a -lease--a mysterious arrangement to an American. It was rather hard to -feel that the house and all our little improvements would, after -thirty-eight years, revert to the Bishop of London, to whom the estate -belongs, but we thought that after thirty-eight years we might not be so -very keen about it. So we disturbed an aged woman in a dusty crape -bonnet, and some friendly beetles, and they left the premises -simultaneously. - -We took an architect on faith, who was to be our shield and protector -against the contractor; then we folded our hands, as it were, and -retired to an hotel and proceeded to recover from the horrors of -house-hunting. This interval was taken by the tradesmen of our new -neighbourhood to recommend themselves to me, whose address they -discovered by some miracle. They grovelled before me, they haunted me -with samples--eggs, cream, butter, bread, followed me to the ends of -England, and I finally succumbed to the most energetic. - -Gradually, one gets accustomed to "patronage" and "patron," rare words -in America, where the "I am as good as you" feeling still obtains. I am -becoming used to them as well as "tradesmen" and "class." I acquiesce in -a distinct serving class, conscious that not to be aware of the dividing -gulf would mean the profound scorn of those we have agreed to call our -inferiors. - -To return to the house. The architect and I looked it over--everything -was wanting. The plumbing was new, but clumsy and inadequate. In an -American house much less costly, there would be a hanging cupboard in -each room, thus dispensing with the clumsy and expensive wardrobes. The -plumbing would be pretty and nickel-plated, resisting the action of the -air, and easily kept clean. Here it is always brass or copper, clumsy -and easily tarnished. - -The architect suggested only the obvious, and with unwarranted faith I -hardly ventured to suggest anything; but when the summer brought an -American friend, who looked over the house, then approaching -completion, she sat on the solitary chair and shook her head. - -"He hasn't thought of a single thing," she cried. "Think of not having a -dumb-waiter (English: dinner-lift) in this unheated house. Stone walls -and cold blasts--don't invite me to your lukewarm repasts! Besides you -must have a hardwood floor" (parquet floor) "in your drawing-room" -(being an American she really said _parlor_). "Think of all the dirty -carpets it will save," she urged. "My dear, you don't mean to say that -you will live in this Bunker Hill Monument of a house"--(she comes from -Boston)--"without speaking tubes?" She was aghast. - -"What an architect! Supposing you want to speak to the cook, why you'd -have to run down four flights for a _tête-à-tête_; then supposing you -want coals up four flights--must the maid climb up four flights to find -out what you want before doing it? My dear, even an English servant has -human legs, and she can't stand it." - -I was convinced. I spoke to the architect, and he was politely -acquiescent, and as all these very necessary suggestions came late they -were doubly expensive, and now I have come to the conclusion that -domestic architecture is the proper field for a woman with ideas--a mere -man-architect does not know the meaning of comfort, ingenuity, resource, -and economy. - -As the house declined to get done, I braved the architect, the -contractor, and the workmen, and arrived one day in company with a bed, -a table, and a chair (also a husband), and took possession. - -I did have one treasure at the time--a caretaker. She saved my life, and -she protected my innocent self from the British tradesman, whilst she -gently taught me what the British servant will and will not do. She -informed me when I was paying twice as much as right to the obsequious -tradesman, and she regulated the (to me) perplexing fee. She was very -religious, and I think she looked upon me as her mission and that she -was to rescue me--which she did. Her wages were one pound a week -including her food, and to be just I could not have got such a treasure -in America at the price. - -The most obvious defect we discovered in our house was that it was very -cold--a universal English drawback--and the inadequate open fires seem -to accentuate the chill. - -Would that my feeble voice could do justice to the much-calumniated -American methods of heating! It does pay to be less prejudiced and more -comfortable! Possibly the furnace and steam heat may be a little -overdone, but not with moderate care. No one can make me believe that it -is healthy to sit shivering all over, or roasting on one side and -freezing on the other. Neither do I consider a red nose and chilblains -very ornamental. I admit that furnaces are not a crying need in England -all through the winter, but from December to March it is a pretence to -say you are comfortable, for you are not. There is no doubt but New -England has bad throat and lung troubles, yet so has Old England and the -hardening process does not save, if statistics are right. If I must take -cold and die, at least I prefer to do so comfortably. - -If there were a furnace I should not need gas-stoves (which are -certainly no more poetic than a register or a radiator, besides being -distinctly sham), nor would there be a perpetual procession of -coal-scuttles going upstairs, unless an open fire is desired for -additional warmth and cheerfulness. - -This brings one to the relative costs of coal, water, and gas. London -coal is greasy, soft, and dear. Where the hard coal is burned in the -States, it leaves white cinders and ashes. It burns slowly and is -therefore very profitable, and the price averages about twenty-four -shillings a ton. Must the cheek of English beauty always be adorned with -"blacks"? - -The water-rates here are just double those of Boston, where, O rapture! -we had two bathrooms, and where the "sidewalk" (American for pavement) -was thoroughly washed every morning. In Boston gas was charged for at -the rate of four shillings for one thousand cubic feet; here we pay -three shillings for the same, and yet for infinitely less gas used our -bills here are mysteriously larger. Our London electricity is both -expensive and poor; consumers are at the mercy of the companies, and a -little wholesome competition is very imperative. - -The English are reckoned a nation of grumblers, but one finds that the -grumbler ends in grumbling, though in moments of supreme anguish he -writes to _The Times_, which permits, with the impartiality of Divine -Providence, both the just and the unjust to disport in its columns. - -Considering the papering and painting of the house done--the painting -done very roughly from our point of view. Then the kitchen needed a new -range and so we got the most expensive of its kind--expensive for -America even--but the acknowledged solidity of English workmanship -(which sometimes becomes clumsiness) is well in place here. The -dinner-lift had been constructed for one flight, and was surprisingly -dear, while the parquet floor in the drawing-room cost twenty-seven -pounds where it would have cost fifteen pounds in America. - -This brings me to a point on which I wish to lay great stress: the -remarkable progress in America in all the applied and domestic arts -within the last ten years, which leaves England far behind. Our English -house was just old enough to be surprisingly ugly--it belongs to the -early Victorian period. Without wishing to spend too much money in its -decoration, we did feel that we ought to put away the funereal -mantel-pieces and set up something more æsthetic. - -Our architect--always obliging and never suggestive--took us to see -wooden mantel-pieces, and we found them expensive and clumsy. In this -strait my Englishman had an inspiration. "Buy them in New York"--we were -just going over--"and you will find them prettier, better, and cheaper -even if the freightage has to be added to the price." - -I would not believe him because I also was still labouring under the -delusion that England was cheap and America dear. However, we went to -New York and there we bought three wooden mantels--six feet high and six -feet wide--of the best quartered oak, of so simple and graceful a design -that they are always noticed and admired. These three were packed, sent, -and landed at our front door in London, and the price, all included, was -not much more than we should have paid for the only one in London of -which I approved. I feel convinced that there is a great market here -for American wood-work as well as leather, iron, and glass, for with -English excellence of workmanship they combine a taste which adapts the -best to its own uses. It would revolutionise the decoration of English -houses. - -The American has the advantage that he is not conservative where that -stands between him and progress. That something was good enough for his -ancestors is no reason why it should satisfy him. Because they chose to -freeze is no reason why he should. Somehow, one always comes back to the -inadequate heating, for as I write, my face is flaming while a lively -icicle penetrates my spine. - -The carpets being now down, I sent to the warehouse for the eighty -cases, and after a year again looked at my household goods. They were -very skilfully unpacked, but (here is the difference between the English -and the American workman) each one of the men expected a fee every time -he moved a box for me. Every time I went to the warehouse to open a -trunk one or two men had to be fee'd, and at the end it came to quite a -little sum. In America, this would not have been expected, even for -harder work done, and quite rightly, for the men were receiving proper -wages, and I was paying the Storage Company liberally. - -Our American furniture being cosmopolitan it was speedily at home in our -English rooms; only these high studded rooms have such a way of -devouring furniture! I thought piteously of that which I had rashly -flung into the Boston auction-room, and when it came to replacing it, -what did I find? That American furniture is much better and much -cheaper. My soul yearned even for the big black chest of drawers which I -had left behind, and it loathed the brand-new "art furniture," sticky -with paste and varnish. - -I demanded Chippendale and such--but, alas! their day is over, except -for millionaires! Praed Street, Brompton Road, Great Portland Street, -and Wardour Street should blush for the faked-up antiquities that ogle -the passerby. I have no prejudice against modern furniture if it is -good; nor do I love old furniture simply because it is old, but -undoubtedly the old taste was artistic and simple, and workmen had -plenty of leisure and used their hands. But when it comes to American or -English machine-made furniture I prefer the American because, it is in -better taste, is made of better wood, and is cheaper. - -I paid twenty-four shillings apiece for painted pine chests of drawers -for the servants. In New York I saw a pretty one, all of oak with brass -handles, for thirteen shillings. That is only a sample. Perhaps it is -ungenerous urging the importation of American wares that can, because of -English free trade, undersell the English manufacturer, but it remains -true that it can be done, and ought to be done, and competition will -improve the home produce, and there is room for improvement. - -Well, having finally got my dwelling into some kind of order, I and my -new British and old American household goods proceeded to keep house -together. - -This brings me to the question of English and American domestic service. -It is an article of faith that America being the home of the free (and -independent) will before long have no servants, but only "mississes." -It is not quite so bad, by any means. To be sure wages are much higher, -but the American servant does twice the work of an English servant. - -The average American family keeps two servants and a man who comes in -twice a day to "tend" the furnace--the central stove which heats the -entire house. The cook gets fifty pounds a year, the housemaid forty -pounds, and the man, who gets neither food nor lodging, eighteen pounds. -The total is one hundred and eight pounds, which includes the baking of -all the bread and the doing of the weekly laundry for the entire house; -the only additional expenses being for coal and soap. - -Now for the wages in an English family of the same standing:--Cook -thirty-five pounds, parlour-maid twenty-six pounds, housemaid twenty -pounds, char-boy eight pounds, and fifty pounds to the laundry for work -which is quite disgraceful. The sum total is one hundred and thirty-nine -pounds, which does not include the feeding of an additional person, and -a servant's board is a greater expense than her wages. Distinctly the -economy is on the American side. - -That the servant business is a trade was a fact impressed on me for the -first time by my very intelligent English cook. Each English servant has -her trade which she knows and she declines to meddle with what she does -not know, for which reason the dividing lines are rather strictly laid -down. It was something I had to learn so as not to call on one servant -to do the duties of another. Our American servants are more liberal, but -now I realise that a good English servant is not so much an amateur as -an American; but unless you wish to be unpleasantly enlightened as -mistress, you must learn her line of duty well. - -To keep house one must have servants, and in a strange place the first -problem is how to get them. Supposing no friend can recommend you one, -you are reduced either to advertising or the registry office. Registry -offices, through which the majority of sufferers get their "help," riot -in ungodly prosperity. They have managers and clerks, like a bank and, -like other corporations, they have no souls. If you are a meek lady -they snub you, and if you are undecided they give you bad advice. At any -rate the unscrupulous ones, and there are plenty of these, take your fee -whether you get a servant or not. - -It seems as if a certain amount of honesty should obtain even in this -business, and I protest against paying five shillings for the mere joy -of talking to a stately female, the presiding goddess in the generally -ill-ventilated temple, who pockets my money and, as soon as my fee is -safe, takes no further earthly interest in me. The methods of English -registry offices seem to me the brazenest kind of piracy. Why don't -English women rebel? Are they not the daughters and wives of grumblers, -and probably the mothers also? However, fate was kind to me, and I got -three servants, two of good village families, while the superior cook -was the legacy of a brilliant woman, a good deal of whose wisdom I have -since had at second-hand. - -In the economy of the universe I know that there is a serving class, but -we people of New England are not glib in the use of the word "servant." -Do we not (in the country) call them "helps" when the expression is -base flattery? Here, class distinctions have put the matter on a -practical footing--servants are servants and recognise themselves as -such, and have that outward and visible sign of well-trained domestics -which the Irish girl, direct from her paternal pig-sty, scorns in New -York. - -"You must not think," said my intelligent cook, "that we don't have our -feelings as much as you." There it was, and she put herself as a matter -of course on quite a different plane of human beings; the American -servant, on the other hand, would consider herself of the same class, -but ill-used by circumstances. A clever woman once said to me, "You -can't expect all the Christian virtues in the kitchen for five dollars a -week!" But we do! Perhaps the most precious gift I received when I left -Boston was this advice: "Don't see too much." - -Servants are like children; to keep them under control you must impress -them. They object to a mistress who is too clever with her hands, but -they like her praise. An American servant does not lose respect for a -mistress who, if necessary, can "lend a hand," but the English servant -sees in such readiness a distinct loss of dignity. Many a time have my -American servants seen me on the top of a step-ladder doing something -that required more intelligence than strength, and they have respected -my power to "do." Here something keeps me from the top of the -step-ladder--instinct probably. - -An American treats her servants more considerately than an Englishwoman. -I am conscious of saving my servants too much; often (I confess it with -shame) I run down a flight or two to meet them, and there is no doubt -that the more I do the more unwilling and ungrateful they become. - -With three English servants, besides a boy (not to speak of the -laundry), now doing the work of two American servants, I proceed. I have -mentioned a vital and nearly fatal subject--the laundry. In London it is -awful but inevitable, and one cannot wonder any more at the stupendous -dirt of the lower classes. Are their things ever washed, and if so who -pays? After much observation I have decided that they make up by a -liberal use of starch what they lack in soap and water and -"elbow-grease." - -Language fails an American direct from the land of clear skies, sunshine -and soap and water, when she contemplates the harrowing results of steam -laundries. Really the most expensive of luxuries in London is to keep -clean! When on Sunday afternoons one sees in Kensington Gardens a poor -infant with a terribly starched and dirty cap on its head (in the form -of a muffin), enveloped in an equally dirty and starched cape, and -carried by a small girl in fearfully starched and dingy petticoats, one -recognises maternal pride which rises superior to London dirt. - -I am the client of a "model" laundry which sends our linen back a -delicate pearl-grey. We call it affectionately the "muddle" laundry, and -it costs us one pound a week to keep up to the pearl-grey standard. I -wish we could go back to the days of chain-armour! What remedy? There is -none, except country laundries for the rich and great, and starch for -the poor! The only result of soft coal and dire necessity is the -excellence and cheapness of the cleansing establishments, without which -the long-suffering householder would indeed sit in sackcloth and ashes! - -The one aim in furnishing our little house has been to keep the rooms -free from all unnecessary draperies, which are merely traps for dust. It -is hard for me to curb my feminine taste, which runs to sofa cushions -and Oriental nooks lighted by Venetian lamps, but the exigencies of the -London climate make me strictly Colonial (New England Colonial), and I -can look into every corner--blessed privilege. The laundry being an -accepted evil, one institution I willingly proclaim cheap--the -scrub-woman who gets half a crown a day. Why don't all English -scrub-women emigrate to the States in a body? They would get from six to -eight shillings a day, overtime overpay. - -Coming to the details of housekeeping. The custom here is that tradesmen -call for orders. That also obtains in America, but many ladies there go -to the markets and select and order for themselves, which is distinctly -more economical. Here, as the result of inadequate storage room, the -expense of ice, and the by no means common use of the ice-box, there is -not much food kept in the house. Now the laying-in of a good supply once -or twice a week, if the mistress understands ordering and goes where she -pleases, is undoubtedly cheaper than a daily ordering of driblets. It is -the same with groceries, and these should be kept under lock and key! To -the American that is not only an impossibility, it is nearly an insult, -and I know of not a single American housekeeper who weighs out the -groceries and other articles to be used week by week. It seems to start -the mutual relationship of mistress and maid on a basis of suspicion. - -A tabulated list of values is useless where prices fluctuate. I simply -compare the differences as I have found them in my own little -housekeeping. Meat, with the exception of fillet and sirloin, is dearer -here, and so is poultry. Groceries average about the same, but coffee -and flour are dearer. So are butter and eggs. Milk is the same, but tea, -dear to the English heart, is so cheap that one can undermine one's -nervous system at a very small expense. Vegetables are good and cheap, -but there is little variety, while fruit is dear. - -How one does miss the ordinary cheap, good fruits, the California grapes -and the Concords with their clusters of deep blue berries, a five-pound -basket of which only costs a shilling. These were first grown in the old -New England town that Emerson made famous. As for apples, pears and -peaches, they are among the cheap fruits over the sea, and I maintain -their superiority to their English kin. - -What oranges equal the Floridas? The "forbidden-fruit" and the -"grape-fruit," are only just making their conquering way into the -English shops. If, as it is claimed, the one is the forbidden fruit of -the Garden of Eden, Eve is nearly justified! - -Yes, there are many good things in America and at reasonable prices. One -has only to think of the divine "sweet corn" and "squash" and "sweet -potatoes," and even the modest white bean from which all New England -makes its national dish of "pork and beans." - -Fish there is in great variety in London, but that also I find dear. -How is it possible for me to live in a land where lobsters and oysters -are a luxury and not a necessity? Only a housekeeper knows what a refuge -they are in trouble--when an unexpected visitor turns up. Is not the -"oyster stew" (a soup of milk and oysters) an American national dish? -But it could only reach perfection in that blessed land where to eat -oysters is not to suck a copper key, and where they exist in regal -profusion. I look with scorn at the measly, little lobsters for each of -which the fishmonger demands three ridiculous shillings instead of one -shilling and three pence. My heart longs for lobster _à la Newburg_ till -I remember that it takes three of these poor creatures to make the -dish--nine shillings! So I continue to yearn and keep my nine shillings. - -I cannot, however, leave the subject without expressing my admiration -for the beauty of the English fish shops and butcher shops. To see a -fish shop in London is to see a trade haloed with poetry. If I were a -fishmonger I would sit among my stock-in-trade and be inspired. The -fishmonger is an artist, he constructs pictures of still-life which -would have been revelations to the greatest of Dutch masters. In -America our fish shops are devoid of poetry--the only compensation being -to see the mountainous piles of oysters, ready to be opened, and -innumerable great red lobsters. - -To one item of American economy I wish to return with added stress; that -is, the baking of bread in each house. This household-bread, if well -made, is delicious, substantial, and economical. Usually the cook bakes -twice a week, and besides that she is expected to have ready for -breakfast either fresh baked "biscuits" (scones), "muffins," or -"pop-overs." The yearly allowance of flour for each person is one -barrel, and one reckons the expense to be about half what bread costs -here. The English "double-decker" is a fearful and wonderful production -that errs on the side of heaviness, just as the American baker's bread -errs on the side of frivolous lightness, and nourishes like froth. - -Whenever Americans proclaim the cheapness of a visit to London one finds -without exception that they live here as they would not dream of living -at home. Were they to take lodgings there in the same economic manner, -they could live quite as cheaply. - -Another inexpensive commodity--which becomes very expensive in the -end--is cabs. There is no doubt that they are cheap, and the fatal -result is that they are used to an extent which makes them a serious -item of expense to a family of moderate means. In America we pay two -shillings each for a short drive in that stately vehicle called a -"hack," and the price is prohibitive for an average family except on -"occasions." So cab fares are not a serious item in domestic expenses. - -From experience, I believe that America has a very unmerited reputation -for expense. Live well, even if not ostentatiously, in London, and it -costs fully as much as in New York or Boston. One does not judge by -millionaires or beggars, for both are independent of statistics, but by -the middle classes. Houses are here singularly devoid of comforts, and, -taking the same income, I should say a middle-class American family -could live there as cheaply as here, but with more comfort; and when it -comes to schooling for children, an item to which I have not alluded, -with infinitely greater advantages. - -In writing down these desultory reflections, I have been actuated by the -thought that what I have learned may be of use to some puzzled American -creature, who, having married an Englishman, proposes to live in England -with only American standards to guide her. She must not believe, as I -was told, that an American income will go one-third farther here. It -does not. She must be prepared to accept other methods, even if, -secretly, she modifies them a little to suit her American notions; but -she must not boast, for her well-meaning efforts will, at best, be -regarded with good-natured tolerance. - -How I wish I could clap a big, stolid, conservative, frost-bitten -English matron into a snug American house, with a furnace, and heaps of -closet (cupboard) room, and all sorts of bells and lifts and telephones, -and then force her to tell me the absolute, unvarnished truth! What -would she say? - -In conclusion, I wonder if I, as an exiled American sister, might make a -plea to my American brethren? It is that when they send their wedding -invitations, as well as others, printed on their swellest "Tiffany" -paper, they will kindly put on enough postage. Why should one have to -pay five-pence on each joyful occasion? On some, bristling with -pasteboard, I have even had to pay tenpence,--why add this pang to -exile? - - - - -_Kitchen Comedies_ - - -My superior cook had just given me notice, and I felt that the bottom -had dropped out of the universe. She was an ancient retainer, according -to twentieth-century standard, for she had been with me three months. - -Her claim to fame rested on her once having cooked for Lord Kitchener. -Whenever we had a trifling difference of opinion, which was seldom, -because I didn't dare, she always retorted that she had cooked for Lord -Kitchener, and, of course, I realised that I was but an unworthy -successor to that great man. I suffered a good deal from his lordship in -those days, and fervently pray that Fate will not throw in my blameless -path either his parlour-maid or his laundress. - -I had felt so safe, for cook lured me on with false hopes: she offered -to make marmalade, and she demanded a cat. This was tantamount to -staying for ever. She made the marmalade, and we scoured the -neighbourhood for a cat. - -It may be a digression, but I really must remark here on the scarcity of -any particular commodity of which one happens to stand in need. If the -world can be said to be overstocked by any one article it really might -be said to be cats; but had we been in search of a Koh-i-noor it could -not have been more hopeless. We waited three months for a cat to be made -to order, so to speak, and the very day his godmother left--we named him -in honour of our departed cook--he appeared in the person of a long, -lank, rattailed, ignominious tabby, on whom food made no earthly -impression. His name is Boxer--Mister Boxer. - -There is a great daily paper in London in whose columns the nobility and -gentry clamour for what the Americans delicately call "help." I have -myself pressed into four alluring lines a statement of the advantages I -had to offer, and have received no reply. I have answered thirty-five -advertising parlour-maids, enclosing stamped envelopes, and have had no -reply. My cook having retired from the scene, and there being nothing -left to remind me of her but Mister Boxer, I again sought solace in -those delusive columns. - -"What have I done," I cried in anguish, "that all cooks should avoid -me?" - -Just then my dearest friend was announced; at least, she is as dear as -distance will permit in London. - -"What's happened?" she asked at once. - -I explained mournfully that cook had gone. - -"Whenever we had company she always said it wasn't Lord Kitchener, -though I never said it was." - -"I wish to goodness," and my friend flung herself into the nearest -chair, "that my cook would go." - -For a moment I gasped; it sounded so audacious. - -"Give me a new cook every week," she cried, "but deliver me from eating -the same cooking for twenty-six years, as we have done. Adolphus says he -has eaten four thousand French pancakes filled with raspberry jam, in -that time, and that he'll die if he eats another one. I don't blame -him," she added gloomily, "but what are we to do? I've urged her to -better herself, but she won't. She quarrels with every servant who comes -into the house; she's as deaf as a post, and she cooks abominably unless -we have a dinner-party. If we weren't poor I'd pension her off; but we -can't afford it," and she gave a bounce of resignation. "So don't talk -to me of ancient family retainers; I'm sick of them!" - -"You don't know what you are talking about," I said solemnly. "Listen to -me. Last week I read an advertisement put in by a lady for her cook who -was leaving--a cook with all the Christian virtues. I decided to answer -it at once, but then I remembered the thirty-five who never replied to -my letters. Just then He came down, placid and smiling--you know his -way--and I explained to him that an Honourable Mrs. Smith was -advertising for a place for her cook, in whom she took a personal -interest. - -"'My dear,' he said, 'don't write! Hire an ambulance and fetch her back, -for a cook so recommended cannot be long for this world.' - -"I took his advice and flew there in a hansom, and I was so excited -that I forgot to watch the horse's ears. It was ten o'clock when I -reached the Honourable Mrs. Smith's, and it was just like a smart 'at -home.' At first I thought we had gone to the wrong house. Five ladies -were going in, and I passed six in the hall. There were several -reception-rooms and not a chair without a lady. A perplexed, willowy -creature without a hat, who turned out to be the Honourable Mrs. Smith, -led me to a seat under an imitation palm-tree, and said it was dreadful -and that she would never do it again. Her cook had received forty-five -letters and twenty wires; and fifteen messenger-boys and thirty-two -ladies had called. - -"There were twenty letters from persons of title. Of course, I thought -of Lord Kitchener, and felt it useless to stay, but as I had come the -Honourable Mrs. Smith advised me to wait; she was very civil. - -"Now, you know my three rules: I won't have mixed religions in the -kitchen because of squabbles; I won't take a servant out of a 'flat'; -and I don't want one who wears glasses. - -"When the paragon and I met under the imitation palm, I found she was -all I did not want. She questioned me severely, and said that she was a -Roman Catholic. I felt that the religion of a being for whom twenty of -the nobility were clamouring was no concern of mine, and I was surprised -when she asked me to leave my address. So little did I aspire to the -paragon that I did not even ask if she could cook. I passed ladies still -arriving, and I was so melancholy that I went home in a 'bus. - -"The next morning I had a letter, and I can truly say I never was so -flattered in my life, not even when HE asked me to marry him, for the -paragon had chosen me out of one hundred and sixty-five ladies, -exclusive of twenty of the nobility. - -"To be sure, she went against all my principles and I did not even know -if she could cook; but she had chosen me! - -"So she arrived in company of three cardboard bonnet-boxes and a -japanned tin trunk. - -"HE suggested that we should try her on a lunch, and we did. Thank -goodness, we only had four of his chums, or I should have died of -mortification. After all, a clever man is sometimes duller than the -dullest woman. - -"How she cooked! It was appalling! Our parlour-maid, who has lovely -manners, served a series of horrors as if they were a feast for the -gods. After luncheon I found cook had broken my best cut-glass salad -bowl, and two old Worcester plates, and then finished off with nervous -prostration on the kitchen floor. HE and I dined out that night; we had -had too much of the comforts of home. - -"The next morning the housemaid appeared with joy in her usually blank -eyes, and said cook had gone and taken her boxes. At first I thought she -had gone to High Mass. But no, she had really gone with her heavy tin -trunk and the three bandboxes. How she got them down at midnight over -four creaking flights of stairs without being heard, we shall never -know, but she did. We found out afterwards that the Honourable Mrs. -Smith had had this paragon just one month, and then she was anxious to -get rid of her in a hurry; so she advertised. It was cruel, wasn't it? -Really, you know, it is wicked of you to complain when a servant has -been faithful to you for twenty-six years." - -My friend, who had been made cynical through suffering, said her cook -wouldn't have been faithful if she could have got a better place. - -The servant problem is indeed a very sore subject and singularly serious -in England. For this there are two reasons: class distinctions, and also -because so many more servants are needed here to do a given amount of -work than anywhere else. Of course, a great leisured class means also a -great serving class, and this serving class is useless for others, -because it has been brought up to false standards of expenditure and to -a good deal of idleness. Take this class out of the supply, and also the -ever-increasing numbers to whom the smattering of Board School education -has taught just enough to make them good for very little, so that in -their proper pride they prefer to pass the weary years in cheap -department stores or starve on factory wages. Then it is very -conceivable that the servant supply does not equal the demand. - -The result is that the registry offices do a thriving trade in sending -out all sorts of undesirable and ignorant human beings to be thorns in -the flesh of unsuspecting housekeepers. - -There is something so pathetically reckless in our everyday life! How -little we know of the servants we take into our intimate lives out of -this terrible London with its vices and crimes, discovered and -undiscovered. Recommendations are simply the blind leading the blind. -The worst servant I ever had came with a glowing personal character. - -Why will not women tell the truth! Perhaps it is characteristic of the -weaker vessel to be more tactful, to put it delicately, than men. The -lack of truth is partly a desire not to be bothered and partly a rather -spiteful wish that the other woman may find out for herself, and also a -cowardly fear to do a poor girl an ill turn. I rejoice to say that I -found one honest woman who prevented my taking a burglar's assistant to -my heart. But she was more than a woman, for she was also a physician. -When a woman takes to a man's profession she at the same time takes on -something of a man's virtues. - -To this lady I went for a personal character of an ideal housemaid, who -said she had left her last place because the lady would not permit a -"follower." Thinking I might not be so bigoted in regard to followers, -human nature being human nature, I was prepared for an area romance, but -not for a shilling shocker. - -The ideal, so the lady told me honestly, was beloved by a job butler -next door. She had been a nice country girl, but London and the job -butler had proved her destruction. Area railings and bolts were as -nothing to them. The area bell was for ever ringing, and when, by -highest command, it remained unanswered, then did the job butler make a -constant practice of ringing the front-door bell at unearthly hours, -until finally the police had to interfere. Then, soured by the course of -true love running so far from smooth, the job butler broke in one night -and took things. Whether the loving housemaid was a party to the -burglary was not proved, but she was discharged at a moment's notice, -and it was then that she applied to me. - -"I couldn't let you take her with eyes closed," said this true -philanthropist, and so I declined the young burglar's assistant. - -In another article I have compared English and American servants. -Briefly repeated, the American servant will do twice the work of an -English servant, nor are her rules cast-iron. She is open to reason, -accepts new methods, and is not conservative. Conservatism, to a certain -point, wherever found, represents a caution that is wisdom; but the -conservatism of servants rests on colossal ignorance, the result of -experience gathered from innumerable "ladies," many quite as ignorant as -their servants. In these progressive days they keep them too short a -time to care to teach them anything, and are mostly glad enough to -"muddle along" any way. Never have servants been treated so well as now -and never have they as a rule been so bad. - -The world, in spite of its Rockefellers, Carnegies, and Rothschilds, is -made up of people with modest incomes, and it is these who suffer most -keenly under the mistaken aspiration of the servant class. The -impossibility of getting servants, makes them resigned to put up with -unbearable shortcomings, for complaints result in immediate notice being -given, and, after all, a bad servant is better than no servant. So the -servant never learns, and takes her faults to the next sufferer. - -The head of one of the most trustworthy of the London registry offices -told me that the decadence of servants had its rise during the first -Jubilee of Queen Victoria. There was such an influx of strangers in -London that country servants were imported at huge wages, while, on the -other hand, innumerable London servants threw up their situations simply -"to see the fun." Since then, she affirmed, they have become a restless -lot, changing from one place to the other without reason, except for the -sake of excitement, and generally demanding big establishments, less -work, and increasing wages. I have heard more complaints of servants in -England in a few years than in my whole life in America. - -The country servants' Mecca is London, and no sooner have they reached -it than they join that restless procession with the japanned tin trunks. -What becomes of them? Where do they finally go with their false -standards and blank faces! Those awful blank faces, as impenetrable as -that of the Egyptian Sphinx. - -Servants can be divided into two classes: those that aspire to serve the -nobility, and the others who circulate among the middle-classes. The -outward and visible distinctions of the former are the perfection of -menial smartness, the women's starched apron-bows cocked to an -impertinent angle, and their faces a blank. On the other hand, the -middle-class servant never really succeeds to a blank face, which is the -result of years of practice, and sometimes she even smiles. Also her -apron is often put on in a hurry, and much starch brazens out holes; -besides, her face invites "smuts." - -Then there is a kind of manservant who revolves in boarding-houses and -among certain kinds of distracted families, who is too awful to -contemplate. Those fatal, ill-fitting evening clothes that shine with -age and grease. He mostly comes from foreign parts, and, instead of -presenting to the spectator a blank wall of a face, he stares at you in -agonised misapprehension. As a foreigner, he is naturally despised by -his British fellow servants. Has not the Englishman a perfectly natural -conviction that Divine Providence is a British institution, and that the -heavenly language is English? - -The rest of the world (with the exception in these days of Americans) he -labels as foreigners, and foreigners he either tolerates, overlooks, or -despises. His main attitude is one of amiable indifference, which is, -indeed, his little weakness, for it blinds him to the possible strength -of what he does not consider worth guarding against. I asked a -distinguished Englishman if he often went abroad. "No," he said, quite -without humour, "I hate meeting so many foreigners." - -It is this British attitude which so endears him to the world at large, -already exasperated by a little way he has of appropriating to himself -nice, big slices of the earth. His enemies quite forget how he promptly -turns these nice, big slices into civilised lands, which he throws open -to the rest of the world. It is, possibly, as compensation, that the -world turns over to him its surplus hungry and idle population, who -gather up English pennies with which they later on return to their -various fatherlands, where they at once join the army of the bitter -Anglophobes. And is not the dingy foreign servant one of the innumerable -birds of prey that fill their poor, starved stomachs with English -victuals? No wonder the English are so unpopular! - -The English servant requires to be studied. The world's other servants -are mere amateurs, the English servant has a trade. As an American, I -proceeded to treat mine _à l'Americaine_, and I made my first blunder. A -sensible American is, if not friends with her servants, at least -friendly. The Englishwoman, if she is sensible, presents to her servants -a surface of perfect indifference, and then she has peace, for the -English servant despises a considerate and kindly mistress as not -knowing her place. - -The most difficult thing for a stranger to learn is that impalpable line -between the different servants' duties. If one does not enumerate what -one expects of them when they are hired, afterwards it is too late. They -have, however, a rough sense of honour and they generally do what they -agree to. - -According to the very common American custom, our house is furnished -with speaking-tubes, and these nearly lost me a very superior cook. She -was so superior that I was more polite to her than to any other human -being; only when I was quite sure she could not hear, then did I call -her by her pet name, Lady Macbeth. As I was looking timidly through the -larder one morning she gave me notice. I never had a servant who had -such lovely kitchen manners; her unfailing impudence was veneered by the -most perfect propriety. "It's the speaking-tubes; I've nothing else to -complain of; but I won't be talked to through the tubes. It's against my -dignity to have other servants listen." - -This time I pacified her, but later on I hurt her beyond forgiveness; I -had sent the housemaid to call her one morning when she was very late. -On my usual kitchen visit I found Lady Macbeth palpitating with -rage--she, a "cook-housekeeper," called by the housemaid; she gave -notice at once, and I realised then that there is no such snob as a -servant, and there is nothing more unyielding than kitchen etiquette. - -The terrors of etiquette below stairs! There once strayed into my employ -a housemaid whose career, hitherto, had been confined to lodging-houses. -Upstairs she always looked frightened, and her face had a great -attraction for "smuts"; but she was very willing and very incompetent. -It is my experience that the willing are mostly incompetent. It was in -the reign of Lady Macbeth, a tall, fair person, with blonde eyes and a -cast-iron jaw. - -"It is not for me to ask Madam to send Muggins away, but the rest of us -will go if Muggins stays. I don't know where she has lived-out before, -but she drinks out of her saucer and does not even know that we expect -her to be down in our sitting-room at half-past four, dressed in her -black, and ready to pour out the servants' tea." Of course, I gave -Muggins notice, recognising that the lodging-house was her proper -sphere, and in the month that followed I knew she suffered martyrdom. -She used to wipe her eyes stealthily, and as she was not proud I showed -her some sympathy. - -"They ain't nice to me downstairs like you are, Ma'am," she sobbed, -"though I'm doing my best. Cook says she won't wipe up the dishes for -the likes of me." - -"Never mind, Muggins; you'll be going soon and, after all, you have -learnt a good deal here," I consoled her. - -"I wish," said Muggins, "I was dead." Thus I discovered in Muggins an -unexpected and interesting note of tragedy, but she melted away as they -all do; one does not remember them as individuals but as materialised -qualities, good or bad. However, some months after, I again encountered -Muggins, looking like a bad imitation of a very middle-class young lady, -in a huge hat like a cart-wheel, nodding with plumes, beside her an -underdone youth, a bowler on the back of his head, so as to show the -fine, bold sweep of his shiny black hair. - -Muggins's smile showed that she had learnt a thing or two. Never more -would she drink tea out of a saucer, nor plunge her knife into a mouth -which, when we first met, was guiltless of front teeth. Now I at once -recognised the gloss of six brand-new "store teeth." On the strength of -what she had learnt in my service she had graduated to higher spheres, -where she could afford the luxury of a young man with whom to "walk -out." It seems a servant's aim and ambition is to set up a young man -with whom she walks out--the final goal being rarely matrimony; it only -means speechless strolls through Regent's Park or Kensington Gardens, or -the joyous revels at Earl's Court, if "she" stands treat. - -Oddly enough, the English lover of the lower class is always speechless -but very affectionate in public. The American of the same class is -publicly prudish. It is, therefore, rather startling, as a blushing -stranger, to see the loving couples that emerge out of the leafy paths -of Kensington Gardens, clasping each other's waists, holding hands, or -engaged in other miscellaneous fondling, which is probably the -safety-valve that nature provides for those whose general and business -expression is a total blank. - -In the course of time, Muggins was succeeded by Jane; Jane of the -Madonna face, a voice like a summer breeze, and her work divine. I -basked in unaccustomed joy until, unfortunately, one morning I asked -her to send off an important telegram for me. "No," she said, in her -sweet voice, "I won't go out this filthy morning." In the afternoon I so -far regained my scattered senses as to call up Jane and give her notice. -For an instant she turned white, then she recovered herself. - -"I beg your pardon, Madam," she said, with respectful effrontery, "I -shall not take your notice. Servants do not need to take any notice -after noon." - -"All the same you have had your notice; but I will, if you wish, repeat -it to-morrow morning," I said, rather amused. - -The next morning I had barely set my foot in the dining-room when Jane -flew in, "I wish to give you notice, Ma'am," she cried, in a gasp. I -recognised that I was defeated, for by some menial code of honour she -felt that she could tell her next lady that she had given me notice. -Whether the custom is legal or not, registry offices are not agreed, but -I am now careful to give notice before noon. - -The restlessness of the English servants, fanned by the Board Schools -and higher aspirations towards department stores, has produced the -temporary servant. She flits from one distressed family to the other, -and is at anyone's beck and call at a moment's notice; nor does she -harrow her lady's feelings by staying that awful last month, when having -done her worst she is invulnerable. - -She has, of course, her disadvantages, along with her advantages. She -takes naturally no earthly interest in her place (but none of them do!) -for she flits like a grubby butterfly from one area to the other; she -is, however, usually quite competent. Her example, on the other hand, is -bad, for she gets high wages, a varied existence, and plenty of -holidays, and, being temporary and independent, she does not work too -hard. - -There is really nothing so fatal as aspirations in the wrong place; to -them we owe the servant problem. Now, the average man will sniff at the -servant problem and, unless he has a great, broad mind, he will say to -the partner of some of his joys and all of his sorrows, "You don't know -how to treat your servants. My clerks don't bother me." - -As if that were the same thing at all! Men's places are easily filled, -and the average man is so anchored by domestic ties that he thinks -several times before he gives warning, as indeed would a servant if she -had a family depending on her earnings. But a servant usually has no -ties. Her clothes are in her tin trunk, and her hopes in the registry -office; thus, accompanied by the one and protected by the other, she -goes on her winding way. If she had an idle or sick husband and -half-a-dozen children to support, her attitude towards service would be -less lofty. - -Coming often from very poor homes, it is a curious fact that servants -are always extravagant, at any rate with other people's belongings. Lady -Macbeth, under whose dominion I languished for over three years, once -confessed to me that she prided herself on her economy, which, she said, -proved her to be of a different class from other servants. - -Once, in a gracious moment, she also told me she preferred being a good -cook rather than a poor nursery governess who, in the delicate and -unwritten code of service, is on a higher social scale, hovering, I -believe on the outskirts of the lady pinnacle. She was kind enough to -add that she would rather cook for some one she could look up to than -teach a lot of stupid young ones. I was highly flattered, and so was the -other member of my family, and we tried hard to live up to her good -opinion. But no man is a hero to his valet, and she never repeated the -compliment. - -It is unfortunately true that domestic troubles, like rheumatism, -toothache, and sea-sickness, from which one can suffer untold agonies, -never arouse a proper sympathy. A man takes his business seriously -enough, but he never takes his wife's housekeeping seriously. - -"What in the world do you do all day long?" is his kindly, scornful cry; -as if there were nothing to do! Yet it is that which gives women grey -hairs and nervous prostration, and forms an endless topic of -conversation among those who would gladly avoid the subject. It requires -cast-iron, steel-bound nerves to confront rebellion in the kitchen, -simply because of the terror of going from bad to worse. That awful -pilgrimage to the registry office, those hideous interviews, that -terrible month of probation--your probation as well as hers. I defy two -women to get together and not talk "servants" before the end of the -conversation. Not even intellect will save you the flight to that -inferno, the Registry Office. - -There is one figure the dramatist of the future will never again be able -to employ, and that is the ancient retainer. Never again will he follow -his unfortunate master and mistress into exile, or lay down his life for -them, or give up to them his humble earnings. Not only will the species -be extinct, but the very tradition of it will have passed away. - -The twenty-first century baby is destined to be rocked and cradled by -electricity, warmed and coddled by electricity, perhaps fathered and -mothered by electricity. Probably the only thing he will be left to do -unaided will be to make love; and yet, possibly, that also is another -form of electricity. At any rate, the ancient retainer is doomed, and it -is the ancient retainer's fault. He has shown his decreasing interest in -the family, so no wonder the family takes no further interest in him. -Job servants supply his place, and in illness a trained nurse does as -well, if not much better. - -Alas, it is a materialistic, utilitarian age and, if they did but know -it, neither master nor servant can afford to stifle what remains of -loyalty and affection. There are some things for which money will not -pay, strange though it may seem in these days when everything has its -price. The life which cultivates no feeling but indifference is to be -deplored both for master and man. - -There is something which makes of labour a higher thing than a mere -barter. If that something really existed, we would not have that -ceaseless, perpetually changing procession with tin trunks; personally, -I should not feel so much that I was keeping a boarding-house for -strangers, whom I pay instead of their paying me. If any of the old -spirit were still left, servants would not be sent adrift to shift for -themselves when their best days are over, and we should still see that -phenomenon, an old servant. - -What becomes of old servants? It is a mystery. Some possibly become -meek, and keep lodging-houses; others, meeker still, become caretakers. -Can human imagination conjure up a more dismal fate? To be the companion -of beetles and mice; to vegetate in a basement, gloomy with the abysmal -gloom of London, and silent with the monumental silence of a deserted -house! - -Why not think of the possible future, that giddy, independent day, when -to give notice, and feast on the consequent anguish, is a cool rapture? -Once only I met an ex-parlour maid who rose superior to fate. She had -become useful by the day. Then, unexpectedly, a subtle change came over -her--she also aspired. She couldn't give warning, which would have been -her natural outlet, but she felt that she owed something to her dignity -before the other servants. From henceforth, she announced, she would -really have to come in by the front door. I submitted, and the area -steps know her no more. - -It is a comfort not to be required to solve the problems of a future -generation. I saw, however, yesterday, the thin end of the wedge in the -form of a little red cart, in front of a house before which the usual -"Sidewalk Committee," as they call it in America, was gathered, lazily -critical. Rubber tubes led from the cart into the open windows of a -room, and a gentleman, apparently of elegant leisure, in uniform, -superintended proceedings. For a moment I suspected fire, but seeing the -calm, unruffled, unsoiled, unwatered appearance of everything, it -suddenly flashed through my mind that what I so often had predicted was -being fulfilled. Science was solving the domestic problem! - -If we can clean a house by air, without the presence of a servant, -before long some great man will teach us to cook in the same way. Some -day electricity will release us from bondage. A cook will then be as -unnecessary as a 'bus horse. Then let the young person, who now aspires -to the factory and the department stores, threaten; we shall not care. -Indeed, then may come our sweet time of revenge, for the department -stores will be undoubtedly overcrowded, and the young person with the -yellow tin trunk will then join a different procession in the days of -that happy millennium. - -Gladly would I have shaken hands with the gentleman who was -superintending the red cart, as the outward and visible promise of a -new liberty, but I feared he might not understand. - -If one might offer a suggestion to our great and glorious Republic -across the sea in regard to any possible change in her coinage, it would -be that, rather than the worthy lady with the Phrygian cap, it should -bear the figure of the new "vacuum-cleaner," with its attendant Man; -that represents something real, something up-to-date. The lady with the -cap and stars is a myth, but what have we poor sufferers to do with -myths? Let us, rather, give credit where credit is due. - -The other day there was sent to me a voluminous list of the eminent -scientists who are to lecture before the Royal Institution. As I read -their famous names it did seem to me that if these giants of science -would abstract their gaze from discovering new planets, new continents, -new gases, and new rays, and would bring their mighty intellects to bear -on what might be called kitchen science, the results would be -incalculable. - -Does not the old nursery wisdom declare, "Great oaks from little acorns -grow?" Invent an electrical cook, an electrical parlour-maid, an -electrical housemaid, and an electrical boy for the boots. Think of the -peace that will enter our homes; think of the just retribution that will -overtake those awful offices that pocket our fees and supply worse than -nothing! Think of the joy of millions of crushed housekeepers who, for -the first time in the history of the world, will be able to look a cook -squarely in the face and give her warning! Surely that is an aim which -should satisfy the greatest intellect, because the greatest intellect -(presumably a man, a brother, a father, or a husband) demands to be fed, -not only often, but well. - -Columbus was undoubtedly a great man, and the product of his time; was -he not the first to do that little egg trick, and did he not afterwards -discover the United States of America? But his fame, mighty and enduring -though it is, will pale before his, the product of our time, the product -of our dire necessity, who will give to the world what is greater even -than a new continent--and that is Peace. - -The greatest man of the future will be the Columbus of the Kitchen. - - - - -_Entertaining_ - - -I once met an Englishman in America who quite unconsciously explained to -me the vital difference between English and American society. - -He was so quiet, so gentlemanly, and so bored, and I had tried my best -to say things. At last I cried in despair, "You Englishmen are so hard -to entertain!" To which he replied, in slow surprise, "But we don't want -to be entertained!" and that is it! And as man moulds the woman, and the -woman makes society--therefore the English woman makes the society of -which her Englishman approves, just as the American makes a society -suitable for her "men folks." - -Society is an elusive expression, and the human beings who constitute it -are spread out in layers like the chocolate cake of our childhood, and -every layer aspires to be the top one with the sugar frosting. In a -kingdom the only ones who ever reach that sugar-coated eminence are of -course the august reigning family besides a very precious and select -few, who must be horribly bored at having reached an altitude where -there is no need of further aspiration. After all, it does add a zest to -life to triumph over one's dearest friends and snub them. Of course a -reigning family has the superlative privilege of snubbing, but they have -to take it out in that, for to them is denied the joy of "climbing." - -In America we are still in the beginning of things, and society is less -complex, though more so than formerly, as the unfortunate result of -increasing wealth. There was a golden age in America, when different -cities each required of its votaries different qualifications to enable -them to enter what is called "Society." In those days, it is pleasant to -testify, it was what a man had done, intellectually or morally, that -opened to him the iron-bound gates of Boston. You might be shabby and -poor, and rattle up to Society in an exceedingly inelegant vehicle -called a "herdic" (which shot you out like coal), but you were welcome -if you were literary or scientific, musician or philanthropist. Money -looked on respectfully at the great and shabby, and was distinctly -elbowed into a corner. - -Something grips at my heart as I recall those bygone days when, as a -very young girl, with a bump of reverence as high as the Himalayas, I -sat in the corner of a splendid, shabby Boston drawing-room, and watched -the great men and women, whose genius has left its imprint on American -history and literature. They talked to each other, like ordinary human -beings, and refreshed themselves with cold coffee and heavy cake, which -was passed by such of the younger generation as the wonderful hostess -could press into service. It is remembering this wonderful hostess that -I am impressed by the truth that entertaining is not a fine art, but -genius; it is not acquired, it is inborn. - -In this shabby old mansion, with its relics of a bygone splendour, I saw -for the first time the greatest hostess it has ever been my good fortune -to meet. She was neither beautiful, witty, nor young, but she had the -subtle quality which made you at once at home in her genial presence; -which made you feel that you were the one guest in whom she was -interested, and this impression she made on everybody. Such was her -magnetism that her spirit inspired every one, at least for the time -being; a charming intercourse was the result, a geniality among her -guests who, the very next day, in an overwhelming flood of shyness, -would cut each other dead. - -I have come to the conclusion that it is this abominable shyness which -makes human beings so repellent to each other. It is one of the minor -martyrdoms of existence resulting in an antagonistic attitude, not so -much because one doubts the eligibility of the other, but rather that -one doubts one's self. The agony of self-consciousness that surrounds -one as with a thin coating of ice, out of which frosty prison one -breathes ice. Did the other but know what one suffers! - -It is often very difficult to distinguish between shyness and reserve, -for one can be reserved without being shy, and one can be shy and in an -excess of shyness frightfully unreserved. Though the English are rightly -credited with having brought reserve and self-control--those -characteristics of the highest civilization as well as the lowest--to -the greatest mastery, yet some of their amazing silence and immobility I -believe to be shyness. It is a comfort to think so because, when one's -vivacious disposition occasionally hurls one against an icy obstacle, it -pains. - -The English self-control--the result of generations of self-controlled -ancestors--makes heroes in the battlefield, but sometimes it also makes -of its bravest officers but foolhardy leaders of men. On the other hand, -the national pride to suppress emotion retaliates on nature in a -perfectly legitimate way; the emotion one suppresses, like all unused -functions, ends by weakening, then disappearing. Not that the English -are without emotion, but compared to other nationalities, the average -Englishman's emotions are not easily stirred. Self-control is a very -inspiring quality, but it is not so wonderful when the nature exercising -it is tuned to a low key. English supremacy is so great that English -self-control is the fashion, but while an Englishman's self-control is -the icy covering to a quiet, placid mountain; the control a Frenchman or -an Italian assumes is the ice veneering a volcano. - -Human nature is, to a certain extent, everywhere the same, and its -simple and primal virtues are the same, only modified by race and -climate. A man may be panic-stricken in disaster, not through cowardice, -but because of uncontrolled imagination. No one will deny the -superlative bravery of the French, but it is equally impossible to deny -that in panics they sometimes lose their heads. In such circumstances -the Frenchman does not show to the same advantage as the Englishman, not -because of a lack of bravery, but because he possesses a fiery -imagination. A Frenchman sees not only the present disaster, but he sees -the results far into the dim future; the Englishman, with controlled -imagination, if any, applies himself to a hurried view of the situation, -and wastes no time on a thought of the future. - -I knew an American of English descent who found himself in a burning -German theatre one night. In the instant there was a panic, and a -frantic woman clung to his arms and implored him to save her. He was -very near-sighted, and in the confusion his eyeglasses had fallen off. -"I certainly will," he said, reassuringly, "if you will just let me put -on my glasses." Then he climbed upon the seat, calmly gauged a possible -chance of escape, and rescued his companion and himself. Yet the -imagination which in certain circumstances results in disaster, under -others gives a man a charm which makes his companionship a delight. - -We Americans are a composite race; we have the coolness of the English, -as well as the nervous tension of multiples of races, exaggerated by -that glowing air, which has been wittily called "free champagne." The -warring of these various elements promises results that cannot be -foreseen in a nation which boasts of being Anglo-Saxon, whatever that -may mean. - -Years ago I remember the wrecking of a little pleasure boat near a -famous island on the coast of Maine, and with what heroism the young men -of the party saved themselves; that is where the foreign element brought -with it a too active imagination. Now the atmosphere and the foreign -element in our blood make us a nervous, high-strung people, -aggressively entertaining, and clamouring to be entertained. - -In no way has the American invasion proved more triumphant than in the -subtle change it is producing in the new generation of English girls. -The English woman, like the clever antagonist she is, studies the -skilful weapons with which the other has established her captivating -supremacy, and is proceeding to use the same. - -The new English girl has a charm and a vivacity, when she is not -hampered by tradition, which must make the American girl look to her -laurels. It will, of course, take her some time to let her spirit -sparkle behind those statuesque features; still, she is undoubtedly on -the road to vivacity. But the unbending and expressionless matron and -immovable and monosyllabic young girl are still to the fore. A wintry -smile on the matron's lips, enough to chill the most cordial guest, and -the strangled remarks of the young girl and her slow, cold eyes, are the -triumphant results of the nation of the self-controlled. Those cold eyes -and that slow smile that have in them not the ghost of humour. To get -behind the eyes and the smile, to discover some inward fire! Is there -any? One looks with envy at those faces which, from the lowest up, -possess that in common that it is impossible to penetrate into the real -self. - -It must be confessed that what might be called the national manner is -not conducive to geniality of intercourse. - -The power a hostess has to blight a crowd of people with her own frost! -There is the hostess who greets you as if she had never seen you before, -and accepts your hand as if it were a slice of cold fish; there is the -haughty hostess who shakes hands limply while she looks over your head -at a superior guest; there is the vague hostess who smiles liberally, -but sees you not; then there is the hostess with the surface geniality, -who, with a hurried glance at you, gushes inquiries across you at the -nearest man. There are as many varieties of hostesses as there are -women, and they one and all drop you, and you merge into the army of -starers, sometimes saved by an introduction to some other shipwrecked -mariner with whom you escape to the tea-room. - -The American fashion of dispensing afternoon tea is very pretty, and -should be introduced here. Instead of leaving the serving of light -refreshments to the servants, the American hostess chooses several of -the prettiest girls she knows, and gives them the task of pouring out -the tea, coffee, and chocolate at a centre table decorated with flowers, -lighted candles, and all that coquettish art of which the American woman -is past-mistress. The table should accommodate four girls, who, in their -smartest party toilettes, are at once ornamental and useful, and the -centre of attraction. They take away something of the stiffness which is -inevitable among a crowd of people, many of whom are strangers to each -other. Having to ask for a cup of tea from a pretty girl instead of a -servant is pleasant, and generally leads to conversation, and it is -considered the greatest compliment a hostess can confer if she asks you -to "pour" for her. The more original the hostess, the more charming can -she make her "teas," and what is usually a rather dreary function may be -made entertaining and graceful. - -The English hostess, ignoring her pretty chance, leaves the tea-table, -if there are many guests, to her servants. I once invited an English -girl to "pour" tea for me, and she discomfited me exceedingly by asking -why I did not get the servants to do it! And I had meant to pay her a -compliment! - -What a social comfort a hat is! It gives one so much moral courage. It -is less terrible to encounter society in a hat; one can take refuge in -it from the coldest blast. But in the evening, garlanded with roses and -deserted, so to speak, by God and man, society is a trial. - -There is no greater martyrdom for the middle-aged than baring their -shoulders to the bitter air and transporting them to an evening -function. To shiver for an instant in the smile of the hostess, and then -subside against the wall, while the young and ardent flirt about with -members of the other sex; or if they don't flirt, they appear to, which -is just as well. A very beautiful woman once confessed to me in a moment -of sincerity that she would be ashamed to be seen talking to another -woman at an evening party. "I would rather be with the most idiotic -man, and look as if I were flirting hard, than talk to the most -brilliant woman in the room. I always avoid women at parties." - -It is not an age for conversation; our small-talk is soon exhausted, and -for a woman to talk at length, labels her as a rock to be avoided. How -can we have _salons_, we who cannot converse? We are the products of the -daily papers, and our conversation is like their familiar small-talk -column. So we have to have artificial aids to entertaining. - -We are recited to, sung to, played to, and there being nothing so -"cussed" as human nature, no sooner are we played to and recited to than -our "cussedness" will out, and we are seized with a wild longing to -talk, and talk we do at the top of our voices. Universal resentment is -expressed towards the blameless arts that temporarily check our -interchange of what it would be flattery to call ideas, but, in my own -experience, when some stray man and I have stood together speechless, no -sooner did the piano break into our appalling silence than ideas seemed -to inundate us. The dumb man spoke as if by magic, and I, who hitherto -had nothing to say, couldn't talk fast enough. - -The divine arts are too good to be wasted in a twentieth century -drawing-room! Such conversation as there is, is amply accompanied by the -pianola and the gramophone. These two awful inventions are to music what -the chromo is to painting. They make music as vulgar as machine-made -lace. - -My first experience of the pianola was at the Universal Provider's. It -was Christmas time, and I was so tired and harassed that I stood quite -still in the surging crowd, oblivious of the sharp elbows of my shopping -sisters, oblivious of dust and microbes, only conscious that I was dizzy -with fatigue. Suddenly through the crowd I heard the familiar strains of -the great romantic polonaise of Chopin--the one introduced by the -exquisite _Andante Spianato_. It is a mediæval romance without words, of -chivalry, tournaments, gallant cavaliers, and beautiful women; all this -I heard in the piano department of the Universal Provider. - -I couldn't understand it! What great artist could so far forget himself -as to play this divine work for a passing, heedless, irritable crowd. I -pushed my way past my sisters, and possibly used my elbows. As I came -nearer I grew confused by something exasperatingly perfect in the sound. -The humanity of a single false note was wanting. I reached the crowd -about the piano--well, everybody has seen a pianola! An imitation artist -(he had long fair hair) steered the music and pumped in the expression -at the proper place, while the indefatigable instrument ejected miles of -punctured paper. - -Never did anything so get on my nerves! I nearly wept. It is, perhaps, -needless to say that the pianola and other instruments of its kind are -of American origin, and, like all American inventions, they are -labour-saving. You can be a Paderewski while you wait, but, thank -Heaven! no ingenious American has yet invented a mechanical Joachim! - -The first modest invention, the grandparent of the pianola, was -exhibited in Boston (America) years and years ago, and was a modest -little box, with only a small appetite for punctured paper. One of the -judges of the musical instruments at the exhibition showed me this -curious music-box, to which, because of its ingenuity, they had decided -to give a prize. Now the instrument has waxed greater and greater, and -no one is safe from it, no, not if you go to the farthest desert or -highest mountain. It graces afternoon teas, while the guests refresh -themselves in stunned silence, or shriek at the top of their voices in -vain rivalry, until they melt into the street, where the turmoil of -cabs, carts, vans, and motors is soothing and peaceful by comparison. - -For a stranger to penetrate into typical English social circles is often -a blighting experience. If the hostess is a woman of the world, she -comes to your assistance; but if she is the woman of an island, you find -yourself stranded, unintroduced, and surrounded by more or less handsome -and statuesque creatures, who would possibly be delighted to talk to you -if you were introduced--or possibly not. - -Oh, the debatable question of introduction! One sometimes thinks that in -England people go into society just to avoid each other; at least so it -would appear from the ardent way in which they decline to be introduced. -Conventional smart English society does not introduce, and that sets the -fashion. - -Society knows too many people, and refuses to know more; and its young -men, having at their command only two feet apiece, also refuse to be -introduced, for they cannot extend the field of their activities. The -young man's toil consists largely in duty dances, for the only way he -can pay a worried mother for a dinner-party is by dancing with her -daughter, who still hangs fire. So his path is not always strewn with -roses. Still his is easier than the "gal's," for he can decline to be -introduced to her, and he does this often with the little caprices and -insolence of a society belle. - -"Do let me introduce you to my cousin," said a generous young soul to -her partner, "she is such a nice 'gal.'" - -"Please don't; I should have to dance with her, and I am full up," -replied the youth, and so it is. Not that all girls are so generous, far -from it. It is the exception when they overstep the bounds and -introduce an attractive girl to a young man. The result is that society -is made up of cliques, wheels within wheels, and the cliques keep -rigidly to themselves, and the loveliest young creatures outside -languish against the wall, and no one takes pity on them. - -Many are the complicated stratagems to introduce the young girl into the -"smart set" of English society, and if the commander-in-chief ("mother") -is not blessed with the best steel-covered nerves, she had better not -undertake it. The commander-in-chief, of course a rich and great lady, -borrows a list of unknown young men from other hostesses and invites -them to her ball. Presumably grateful youths pay for this entertainment -by dancing with the "gal," but not always. - -After all, smart society is alike all over the world; like hotel -cooking, it has no nationality. So America is ceasing to introduce, but -this repression is not universal yet. All do not yet languish under -self-inflicted boredom. A perfect American hostess makes her guests -known to each other if they are strangers, and though fashion may -protest, this is after all the only way to make a crowd of mutually -unknown people comfortable and not awkward. People, except those of -great ease of manner, will not speak to each other unless introduced, -and to talk to some one without the faint guide-post of a name is not -very interesting. You may be talking to a very dull stranger, and turn -away bored, when, had you but known that he was a great and shining -light, how interested you would have been, and how deftly you would have -turned the conversation into the one channel the great one always -loves--himself. - -Possibly Americans overdo the introducing; they are rather apt to overdo -everything; it is the fault of a high-strung, nervous temperament; but -of two evils let me rather be torn away from an interesting conversation -every few minutes by a vivacious hostess, than be stranded in a corner -looking blankly at my fellow man, for all the world as if I had strayed -into a 'bus in a party gown. Blessed will the day be when the American -invasion will temper English society with its own possibly rather -effusive geniality. - -The fundamental difference between the two nationalities is that -Americans love strangers, and the English hate them. The Englishman -looks with suspicion on any one he doesn't know, root and branch; the -American loves him until he hears of something to his disadvantage, or -until he gets tired of him--which happens. - -The Englishman's aversion to strangers does not include the American, -curiously enough. He does not call him a foreigner, and he likes him. He -likes him partly because he really can't help it, and partly out of -policy, and he looks charitably at his curious and original ways just as -a big dog watches the gambols of a frolicsome puppy. He always remembers -that that puppy is his puppy, and that some day he will grow into a big -dog of his own breed, and--well, he respects the breed. - -Not that the American man is in England as popular as the American -woman; he is not. The charming American woman is the product of -generations of hard-working fathers and husbands who have toiled for -her, and toil for her, and the result is that in cultivation and -attraction she has left her creator rather behind. When you add to this -his strenuous habits of business life, in which "devil take the -hindmost" is the motto, and a very confident belief in his own ability, -and his country's unmistakable destiny to "whip the universe," it -produces a rather aggressive personality. So he is not as popular as his -charming women, because, also, he represents a prophecy which is not -unlike a menace. Yet the big dog watches the gambols of the little dog -with tolerant good-nature. - -Another factor in favour of the American woman is that she can be -charming on two continents--the Englishwoman still confines her efforts -to one--and she can be charming in the language of the two greatest -nations in the world. Is this not a magnificent opportunity for her -social genius? Descended, usually, from all sorts of races, America -makes her what she is, and then boastfully sends the perfected article -across the water to the old countries to ally herself with the best or -the worst of their aristocracy. That it is rarely the case of King -Cophetua and the beggar-maid one admits; but, after all, everything has -its price in this world, and coronets come dear, except, of course, to -that one privileged class--the ladies of the variety theatres. - -In speaking of the American man's aggressiveness, one does not wish to -imply that the Englishman is not aggressive; far from it. There is no -one so aggressive as an Englishman, but the difference is that the -American is boastfully aggressive, and the Englishman quietly so, as one -so sure of himself and his belongings that boasting is superfluous; -which makes him all the more aggravating. The summit and climax of this -aggravation is that the Englishman does not know that he is aggressive, -and even resents it in his beloved Americans, and never suspects that -his own want of popularity may be due to that same cause. - -Years ago it was the Englishman who was the spoilt darling of nations; -now he is making way for the American. But his early prestige was -immense--it is still great, but it is a tempered greatness. - -In those days when he went to America to harvest dollars (he rarely went -for any other reason), he was received with a rapturous humility which -was pathetic. We grovelled before him, we suffered his peculiar -manners, which had they been our own we should sometimes have labelled -as bad, as the eccentricities of a superior being. We were flattered -when our resemblance to him was pointed out, and to increase it we -created that particularly obnoxious type, the Anglicised American; for, -like all imitations, it is the caricature of the most unpleasant -features of a resemblance. - -In those days we took him to our hearts, to our homes, and to our clubs, -and when sometimes we came to London to enjoy his return civilities, we -had to be satisfied with very modest crumbs of entertainment indeed. But -perhaps the Englishman said, in the subtle French tongue, "_Je paye de -ma personne_." That explains it. - -We spoiled the errant Englishman most abominably; our idol got bad -manners and a swelled head, and it always took him some time on his -return to a nation that, after all, consists of Englishmen, to find his -level again. The wife of a very distinguished man complained to me of -the demoralised condition in which her husband--who had gone to America -to lecture--had been sent back to her. "It will take me years to -unspoil him," she cried. "It's all the fault of your women, who flatter -them to death! And that is the reason," she added, with some bitterness, -"that Englishmen think they are so charming and clever." - -Now that the Englishman has ceased to be so rare a bird in America, we -receive him with less tumultuous rejoicing, and yet we still spoil him -if he is distinguished or has a title. As for money, it is no object to -us as credentials--we leave that to the English. A title? Oh, yes, we -love a title! Why shouldn't we? Does not the Englishman, according to -Thackeray, love a lord? With all it represents of tradition, romance, -and history, is it a more ignoble passion for the snob than the worship -of dollars, or more fatal to republican principles? - -The American money-kings are as surely creating a class apart as ever -did the English possessors of titles, and there is no greater nobility -in a duke, by the grace of a gamble on the stock exchange, than a duke -by the grace of tradition or history. Both may be represented by very -poor creatures, but the duke of history has, at all events, the -traditions of his ancestry to excuse the interest he still excites. - -Occasionally one hears of an aspiring American, who, captivated by the -poetry of sound, buys himself a title, and ornaments his republican -breast with decorations--the fitting reward of dollars and cents; but -such a one has lost, if not his country, at least his sense of humour. - -Still, it is not our republican money-dukes who will make or mar our -nation; its stability rests on something nobler. Nor will it turn a -great republic finally into a kingdom that we like titles as a child an -unaccustomed toy. Is it not dinned into our ears that we are rich, and -that the best is not too good for us? Is not the best in the world for -us? - -"The finest jewels are kept for the American market," a famous jeweller -once told me. Are not the very best imitations of the old masters sold -to us? We are willing to pay, and money in this world can buy everything -except just one trifle--contentment. Apart from contentment, money buys -everything. It is a credential for virtue and a good name. A millionaire -must be good, or Divine Providence would not so have prospered him, and -for this all-sufficient reason London takes him to its innocent and -gushing heart. Of course sometimes the millionaire is not a real -millionaire, but no one knows until he is found out; but the next best -thing to being a real, honourable millionaire, is to have unlimited -credit. Blessed is the man who has credit, for some day he may promote a -company that will enable him to pay his bills. - -Yes, America is being rewarded for all the entertainments she has -lavished on bygone Englishmen. She cannot these days complain of a lack -of English hospitality. Columbia has a "real good time," and she drops -the almighty dollar as she goes on her triumphant way, to the rapture of -the English shopkeeper. - -She worships English history, English titles, and English cathedrals. -She gushes over all things great and good, and often she props up a -rickety aristocrat with the splendid strength of her great gold dollars, -and not the stiffest British matron dares sniff at her. She will -introduce and she will entertain, and she will be entertaining. She is -often beautiful, and generally clever,--even if frothily clever. - -Of all the American invasion she is the most subtly dangerous. You may -keep off the American men with your fleets, and all the terrors of your -newest million pounders, but how defend yourself from the American girl, -who borrows a bow and arrow from a naughty little boy lightly dressed in -two wings and a blush, and shoots right into your--heart! - - - - -_Temporary Power_ - - -It was in the "tuppeny tube" that the idea first came to me. I was -filing out of the long car as expeditiously as I could, considering that -I had to disentangle my feet from the heels of my fellow man, when a -stern being in the brass buttons of authority gave me an unnecessary -push, remarking briefly, "Hurry up!" Before I could wither him with a -glance, the red light at the back of the train was winking jocosely at -me, so there was nothing left to do but to follow my fellow sufferers, -swallow my resentment along with the bad air, and proceed to soar -upward. - -Having recovered my mental balance I began to laugh. The awful majesty -of temporary power, from a protoplasm up! - -It is indeed a curious fact that the world is not so much governed by -its ruling classes as by the lower ones, who exercise their temporary -tyranny--in whatever capacity it be--with a colossal arrogance that -leaves the arrogance of a higher sphere leagues behind. Who has not -seen great ladies, majestic beings in their own drawing-rooms, wait -patiently before a counter while the young "saleslady" finished an -interesting conversation with a colleague in imitation diamonds. -Possibly in private life the young "saleslady" was not at all proud; but -place her behind a counter, and it gives her a moral support that makes -her rise superior to the aristocracy and crush the middle classes. - -Never shall I forget the pathetic sight of a distinguished general--one -who fought and won a battle in the American Civil War, that decided the -fortunes of the North--buying a pair of kid gloves from a superior young -person in a glove store. He waited a long time very patiently while she -exchanged a light badinage with an idle youth, splendid in the tallest -kind of a collar. - -"If you please," the general ventured, seeing the talk was not of -business. The haughtiness with which she turned on him! "What do you -want?" - -She leaned on the counter with both hands in that most delightfully -engaging and characteristic of shop attitudes. No, there was no -badinage for the poor general, and as he had no taste and no ideas, she -sold him the most dreadful yellow gloves, with which he was burdened -when we met at the door. He showed them to me rather piteously. - -"They don't look right, somehow," he sighed. "Why don't you change -them?" I urged. "Because," the great man whispered, whose courage was -famous in the land, "because I'm afraid of her." - -Oh, the terrible tyranny of the shopgirls, or, rather, as we live in a -democratic age and one is as good as the other, the shop young ladies. -When one of them waits on me, or, to be quite exact, when I grovel to -her, and she is very short and snappish and uninterested, I wonder what -can be the kind of superior being to whom she, so to speak, bends the -knee? Sometimes I think it must be the shopwalker, a great man, but -human, except perhaps at Christmas time, but then I suspect he also may -be afraid of her. - -When she cries "sign" at the top of her penetrating voice, and I am -ignominiously proved to have bought nothing, I realise that I am -disgraced, and can hardly bear the united glances of the young lady's -scornful eye, and the milder but still reproachful glance of the -shopwalker. He catechises me firmly for reasons why I don't buy, and -offers me instead everything under the sun that I don't want. If my soul -ever presumes to rebel it is when the young lady, not having what I am -in search of, kindly advises me as to what I really do want--but even -the traditional worm has been known to turn. - -There is a delicate difference between the English and the American -young saleslady. The American, being the daughter of the free, and -distinctly of the independent, and having the chance of being the future -wife, mother or mother-in-law of presidents, does not demean herself to -be on a sympathetic footing with the public. If the public wishes to -buy, she is willing to sell, but is perfectly indifferent. Look -wistfully into the American saleslady's perfectly cold eye, if you are a -wobbly lady and want some one to make up your mind for you, and you are -met by a wall of the bleakest ice; nor does she thaw when you have -bought for a large amount. She calls "kish" in a shrill, unmoved voice, -which summons a small boy or girl, who bears your money to the -counting-house. Thereupon she looks indifferently over your head while -you wait for the change, and you feel that in spite of everything you -have failed to please her. - -The result of this admirable attitude of indifference is that America is -the paradise of "shoppers," ladies who have no intention whatever of -buying, but who do love to see new things. It lies really between you -and your conscience how many bales of goods you have unpacked without -the remotest idea of purchasing anything. If at the end you make a few -disparaging remarks and retire from the scene, the saleslady replaces -the goods, perfectly indifferent as to your having bought nothing. - -The English shopgirl, on the other hand, makes it a personal affront if -you do not buy; but there is excuse for her often enough, for in some -shops, unfortunately, it is the cruel regulation that if she misses a -certain number of sales she is discharged. Whether it pays to scare the -saleslady into terrorising her customers to death is a question; -personally, I avoid such shops; I cannot be lured twice into buying what -I don't want because of the frown of the young lady. Nor does it even -soothe my ruffled feelings when the shopwalker thanks me profusely as he -countersigns the bill. - -Shopkeepers should be very particular as to their young saleslady's -nose; the very superior kind just crushes the public. England is a proof -that it is not the eye that is born to command, but the stately Roman -nose. It has given the world quite a wrong idea of Englishmen, who have -gone on their triumphant way in the wake of that majestic feature, to -the alarm and respect of the rest of the world. Had it been less -aggressive, the world might possibly now fear England less and love her -more. Yet such trivialities make history. - -If you have a good conscience, the only wielder of temporary power who -appears mighty and yet mild is the policeman. To the bad conscience he -represents more the solid terrors of the law than the Lord Chief Justice -himself. He is the only creature from whom familiarity never takes away -any of his terrors. - -We once had an old cook who put it in a nutshell. "Happy is he who can -look a policeman in the face," she declared. The wisdom of it! After -all, is not half the world running away from retributive justice? Think, -then, of the blessing of a legalised conscience. To be at peace with the -policeman! Think of the rapture of envy a poor, hunted-down burglar must -feel as he sees an ordinary citizen pass that awful being in a helmet -without a quake. - -I take this opportunity of offering to the great and polite one my -little tribute of gratitude in the name of all the spinsters, widows, -nursemaids, and puppy dogs who cross the street in the security of his -outstretched hand. And of all maiden ladies, English and American, who -seek his advice and ask him perplexing questions, which he alone can -answer, for he is admittedly a combination of the street directory, the -dictionary, and the "Encyclopædia Britannica" up-to-date. I have often -wondered if he ever unbends? Does he ever take off his boots and his -helmet, or does he sleep in them? Does he ever sit down? It must be a -great joy and pride to be his wife, to be, as it were, on such friendly -terms with the traffic. I am sure that, if she loves him, she asks him -no questions. - -Here, I really must digress just enough to say that until women can be -policemen, and can stand like magnificent statues in the turmoil of -vehicles and direct the tumult with one finger--without a moment's -confusion--not until then will I believe that they have been chosen by -destiny to do man's work. Bless the policeman! May his wages be -raised--he deserves it! - -The temporary power of a cabman is often concentrated in a moment of -intense anguish for his fare when, if a four-wheeler, he rolls off his -box, stares at the money dropped into a very dirty paw, makes a speech -which ranges from reproach to vituperation, and follows you until a -beneficent front door closes on your anguish. He has it in his power to -take the bloom from the smartest toilette. - -There is no one in the whole range of civilisation who has such a power -to inflict humiliation on one as a cabman! He has that delicate -perception that he knows just when his remarks will cut like a lash. He -always grumbles on principle, and you would rather give him your whole -fortune than have him make a spectacle of you before those other -temporaries, the footmen. As if he didn't know it, and as if he didn't -always choose the noblest of these as witnesses! You know that you have -overpaid him, and so does he, but he follows you with running remarks, -in the form of a soliloquy, which increase in virulence as you flee -before him, and which produce that peculiar contortion of face in the -well-bred footman, in which a grin battles with a countenance of stone. - -Those awful footmen! I do believe that a cabby, in spite of his bad -language, is sometimes the prey of softer emotions. One knows by -observation that he often smokes a pipe, and from the way his chariot -leans up against the pavement of the nearest saloon, out of which he -comes with a frightfully red face and smacking his lips, one knows he is -not a "bigoted" total abstainer. One even pictures him as retired to a -mews, and in that peaceful retreat, with the family washing flapping -over his head, enjoying respite from timid fares in the bosom of his -family. - -There is a monumental prejudice against four-wheelers. It is even -growing. Once I used to frolic about in them, flitting from one -afternoon tea to the other; now when I ask for one it is, if possible, -secretly, and always apologetically. Why is it? They cost nearly the -same as hansoms, but why are they so plebeian? Even a 'bus is not so -low. Servants respect you more even if they know that you get into a -'bus out of their sight than if they witness your downfall into a -four-wheeler. Kings have driven in hansoms, and Cabinet Ministers have -been tipped out of them; but who ever heard of a King or a Cabinet -Minister driving in a "growler"? - -Of course, a 'bus is low, but you need not say you came in one, only you -must be careful! The other day old Lady Toppingham called and grew quite -eloquent on the levelling influences of 'buses; they might do for cooks -and tradespeople, she said, but her principles were such that she really -couldn't ride in one. All the time she was clutching a blue punched -'bus ticket on the top of her card-case with her relentless thumb. I -agreed with her, and said that I also never could nor would, and no -sooner had she gone than I was off to Whiteley's on top of a blue -Kensington. Still, it is levelling, and you should always pick off the -straws and never cling to the tickets. - -However, the most ignoble conveyance is undoubtedly the "growler." To go -in one to a smart afternoon reception requires courage. I shall never -forget my last experience. It was an awful function, and both sides of -the street were lined with private carriages, and a double row of -footmen graced the _porte cochère_. - -My four-wheeler was the only one in sight, and it was the forlornest of -its kind. It shook like jelly and rattled like artillery. A burly being -in sackcloth and dirt (instead of ashes) rolled off the box, and sixteen -perfectly equipped footmen had their features set to a preparatory grin. -I placed my foot on the dirtiest cab step in London, and from my -white-gloved hand I dropped a liberal fare into a grimy paw. To the joy -of the attendant footmen the owner of the paw said the most appalling -things. I stopped the hurricane with another shilling, and flew up the -steps and took refuge in extra haughtiness, and overdid it! - -I was thankful when I was ushered into the drawing-room and cooled off -in the icy stare of the other guests--some thirty women and two men. - -Nothing betrayed that I was a "growler" lady as I took the limp hand of -my hostess, who favoured me with a speechless smile. This she -temporarily detached from a superior man in superior garments, such as, -to do them justice, Englishmen only know how to wear. He was very -perfect, and in one of his blank eyes he wore a glass. - -I don't know his name, but I shall never forget him. He was evidently -one of the lilies of the field who only know of four-wheelers by -hearsay. Whether our hostess stopped smiling long enough to murmur an -introduction I do not know, but we were quite lost among the furniture, -and as much thrown on each other's society as if we were on a desert -island. So when he uttered inquiringly something that sounded like -"yum," I said desperately, knowing it could strike no answering chord, -"I came in a four-wheeler; it requires a good deal of moral courage." - -Then I stopped, blushing and embarrassed. How would he express his -scorn! I stepped aside to give him a chance to vanish out of my plebeian -neighbourhood; but, instead, said this gallant Englishman, bringing his -eyeglass to bear on me, "Ow--ow--really? So did I. Never drive in -anything else." Yes, there are heroes even in London drawing-rooms. - -Has any one ever heard of a footman with wife and children? Can that -cast-iron countenance ever unbend? Does that vacant look hide mighty -thoughts, or does it hide nothing? Is a footman himself ever scorned? I -do hope he is, for he has made me suffer so much. I have sometimes -thought that if I owned a footman I should be too proud to live; yet on -studying the faces of my fellow men so blessed, I find that they are not -proud, but quite modest, and sometimes even shabby. - -Yes, the owners of footmen are mostly less prosperous in appearance than -their servants, while the possessor of a butler and footmen galore -looks quite poor. But I do wonder where footmen go when they are old? I -never saw an old footman but once, and that was in a registry office, a -dim sanctuary, dotted by desks and ornamented by agitated ladies. - -The awful temporary power of registry office clerks, how they do make -one quail! There was about the old footman a fictitious smartness, a -youthfulness so out of keeping with his haggard face that it gave me a -shock. For once I was sorry that the biter was bit, and that the -stony-hearted clerk behind his desk imparted his wisdom with such -brevity and disdain. - -I shall never forget the insinuating wistfulness with which the old man -leaned across the desk, and, gracefully using his well-brushed silk hat -as shield, described how bad times were, and that he would be glad to -take any place at all, at any wages; all he wanted was a home. He would -even go into the country--even in the country! It was too pitiful, and -my heart ached for him as I recognised in the shabby smartness of his -well-fitting clothes one who had "valeted" in higher spheres. By the -way he held his top hat I saw how perfectly he had studied the outside -of manners. - -The cruelty of the beefy clerk was colossal. "We can't place old -footmen, nobody wants 'em." He spoke like a machine. "But I'll take your -name." The old man tripped out with a pathetic lightness as if to prove -to us all by a sample how active his legs still were. So it seems that -even the proudest footman should not be too proud. - -I am not so afraid of butlers as I am of footmen. I have never met with -an affable footman, but I have known one or two butlers who were quite -fatherly. With one, in particular, I always long to shake hands. I -admire his clothes so much. Never for an instant would any one take them -for a gentleman's evening clothes. The magnificent girth of his ample -tail coat shadows the most respectable of black trousers; they pretend -to no higher sphere, but are perfect for the state of society in which -they move. A rather fine head, like a respectable Roman Emperor's (if -such a personage ever existed), completes an impressive personality. - -I don't know what he thinks about me, but when he vouchsafes me -something that is a smile and yet isn't a smile, I feel gratified. I -always thought that his ancestors fought for my friends' ancestors in -the battle of Agincourt, but, on inquiry, find he has been with them six -months. The temporary owner of this great man is quite modest. - -One of the funniest exhibitions of temporary power I once observed in -America--in a church. Two of us had gone to hear a great American -preacher, and we had been invited to sit in the pew of a friend, in a -church to which we were strangers. We came early, and waited patiently -just within the church door to be shown to the seat. Only a few -stragglers had arrived, and all were waiting humbly for that important -functionary--the sexton. - -Now the American sexton--the verger--is a very mighty man indeed. -Parsons come and go, but the sexton stays for ever. If he is not very -tall and dignified in black broad-cloth, he is generally fat and fussy -in the same. He picks out waiting sinners and seats them according to -his boundless caprice. He knows just the kind of stray sinner who may be -ushered into a charitable pew, and he knows the pews that decline to -receive stray sinners under any consideration. - -It is curious what courage it takes to penetrate into a strange pew; it -is being a kind of Sabbath burglar. Never does a right-minded sexton -usher an out-at-elbow sinner into the pew of the rich and great. That -they are presumably addressing the same Divine Power is no reason. This -explains the Roman Catholic hold on the people. If you are a Roman -Catholic, you enter God's house and pray anywhere; but if you are a -Protestant, what shy pauper would dare to stray into an expensive pew -for a communion with his God? - -My American sexton had, in the meantime, bustled down the centre aisle. -He looked the little crowd over haughtily, and he refused to catch my -wistful eye--my companion was getting very tired. At last I ventured, -"Would you kindly show us to Judge ----'s pew?" "Can't now, I'm busy; my -young men will come presently," and he darted off. - -His young men did not come, and I looked vainly about for succour, for -the pews were filling up. Suddenly the great swing-door at the entrance -opened, and in came a tall commanding figure, a man of advanced years, -whose name is a household word in the land, the great preacher himself. -He pulled off his battered slouch hat, and I saw his kind, keen eyes as -they rested on the white hair and tired face of my friend. "Why are you -waiting here, what can I do for you?" he asked. - -"We are waiting to be shown to Judge ----'s pew," I explained. - -"I will show you, come with me." This he did, and left us the richer by -the kindliest smile in the world. - -Different countries, different exercise of temporary power. The English -railway guard is not impressive nor much in evidence. The American -railroad conductor, on the other hand, is a great man, but he exercises -his power genially, and in the intervals of collecting tickets he is -approachable. He generally takes up his abiding place at the end of one -of the "cars," and puts his legs on the seat opposite and talks with a -much flattered chosen one. He sees a good deal of the world, not being -shut into a cubby-hole like his English brother. In the course of years -of travel along a particular route his popularity becomes so great that -it culminates in gifts, and many a popular conductor blazes in the light -of a huge diamond "bosom pin," or carries under his arm at night a -gorgeous presentation lantern. No man is so great but he feels flattered -at his notice, and he really is not very proud, considering, and his -power is benign. - -In England his namesake, the 'bus conductor, has often made me feel the -blight of his authority. There was once a misanthrope who took to -keeping a light-house; if I were a misanthrope I would become a 'bus -conductor. It must, of course, be awfully irritating, that temporary -support he gives to beautiful ladies as they topple off; but it is -compensated for, to some extent, by wrenching the arms of the lovely -creatures as he hauls them on the foot-board of the 'bus before it -stops. This, they say, he does out of pure benevolence, so that the poor -'bus horses shall not have to start up the cumbersome machine -unnecessarily. Still, one ventures to ask if we poor women are not of -as much consequence as a 'bus horse? - -Last year a benevolent conductor nearly dislocated my arm as he pulled -me up, and I ached for two months after. I protest against this -misplaced tenderness! It is said that an Englishman may ill-treat his -wife with more impunity than his dog, but I don't believe it. I am not -afraid of the conductor unless I get in or out of his 'bus; but the haul -he gives me in, which sends me reeling against the other passengers, and -the pull he gives me out when I recline for a moment, without any -gratitude, against his outstretched arm, makes him unpopular with me. - -There is an American product which, with the American invasion, has, -alas and alas! taken root here, and that is the American hotel clerk, -real and imitated. He has come with the great caravanserais, and, like -the American plumber, he is the target for American wit. - -There is no doubt that it takes a cool and composed personality to -"wrastle" with the travelling public, and yet the travelling public is -not half so terrible as the cool and composed hotel clerk. He has -brought insolence to the level of a fine art, and as he is answerable -only to a corporation, that means that he is answerable to no one. He -always puts you into a room you don't want, and having no pecuniary -interest in the matter, it is to him of no earthly consequence whether -you stay or not. - -Complain to him, and you complain to deaf ears. He apparently has -nothing to do but to loll behind the office counter and improve his -finger-nails. Tumultuous rings of various bells leave him unmoved; -passionate telephonic appeals he only answers when he chooses. He turns -to an agonised public a face like carved wax and eyes like agate, and it -recoils. The parting of his hair is a monument to his industry. - -When I call on a guest at a big hotel I deliver up my card with hope, -because, as the poet rashly sang, "Hope springs eternal in the human -breast." Then I sit down and wait as near the office as possible, and -wistfully watch the elegant leisure of the great man behind the counter. -My card has disappeared in the custody of a small boy with a salver, -and the chances are that before I see him again he will be a man grown. - -After having waited half an hour I venture to intrude on the peace -behind the counter, and I am received with a _hauteur_ which puts me in -my right place at once. The guest, being merely a number, excites no -earthly interest, but the clerk wearily sends another infant in search -of the first, and then turns his immaculate back on me, and I am -permitted to admire the shiny smoothness of his back hair. I again -subside, and in my indignation I make up my mind to complain to the -daily Press: Is thy servant a doormat that he should be so downtrodden? - -Do not preach about the ancient tyrannies of kings and emperors, and -other estimable folks, about whom history has probably told a good many -lies, and to these add the further lie that I am happy because I am free -and independent. I am not free and independent! Instead, I languish -under the tyranny of a hundred thousand tyrants, before whom I grovel -and quake. Several of them sleep on my top floor and treat me with much -severity. - -Instead of thousands of tyrants, give me, rather, one tyrant; I can -accommodate existence to him, and it is distinctly more interesting and -less complicated. - -The problem of existence is its multitude of tyrants. Indeed, how -delightful life would be if we were not so tyrannised over by the -downtrodden! - - - - -_The Extravagant Economy of Women_ - - -The trouble with women is that they do not know how to spend money. The -great majority never have any money, or they are at the mercy of some -grim masculine creature, be he father or husband, who demands items--now -think of an average man bothering himself about items! It must be a -survival of the time when we inhabited harems, or when we were beautiful -dames to whom our true knights gave undying love but nothing more -substantial; or we rejoiced the souls of the ancient patriarchs though -we did not succeed in extracting any cash. - -I don't for a moment believe that the lovely Hebrew damsel, Rebecca, had -a penny of her own, nor that the peerless Guinevere had half-a-crown (or -whatever the coinage was) to buy her Launcelot a love token. And though -Scheherazade--that peerless, self-contained, circulating library of a -thousand and one volumes--told enough stories to her Sultan to have made -the fortune of a modern publisher, she could hardly have made less even -if she had had the felicity to write a modern novel. The favourite of -the harem would, it is certain, have found a purse a hollow mockery. - -Now we modern women are the descendants, more or less remote, of -Rebecca, Guinevere, and Scheherazade, and our greatest resemblance to -our fair ancestresses is that most of us have no money to spend, and -those of us who have do not know how to spend it. Heredity is an excuse -for being what might be called the stingy sex. - -What would the world have been like had the purse-strings of time been -held by women? More comfortable, possibly, but, probably, much less -beautiful. It takes the great, splendid masculine spendthrifts in high -places to glorify the world with treasures of priceless art. But it was -an immortal maiden queen who inspired the greatest poet of all time, and -as the production of poetry has always been cheap, so poetry was the -splendid and inexpensive contribution to the glory of her reign made by -a not too extravagant queen. It is the men who keep alive the -extravagance, the beauty, and the ideality of life. But little credit to -them who have always been able to put their hands in their trousers -pockets and jingle the pennies. - -Now time may mean money for men, but who ever heard that time meant -money for women? No one, for the simple reason that it does not. Time -and trouble are of so little value to the average woman that she -squanders the one and is prodigal of the other in the most appalling -way. And by the average woman, are meant all such who do not earn their -own living, no matter how modestly; nor those who have some serious -purpose in life, though without the object of earning; nor those who, as -wives and mothers, may estimate their time as of the value of a general -servant's. But apart from these the rank and file of women, consist of -the aimless ones--and there are all sorts of aimless ones: rich and -poor, high and low,--who potter vaguely through life, through shops, -through streets, through joy, through sorrow; think feebly, talk -feebly, and feel feebly, and finally fade away, and cease to exist. Now -think of the majority of men frittering away life like that! - -For ten years I lived opposite an able-bodied, middle-aged woman who sat -in a rocking-chair by the window, crocheting from luncheon time until -dark, four mortal hours, and this for ten long years! Then she moved or -died, I don't remember which. And yet, after all, how many of us sit -with our hands folded, doing nothing, thinking nothing, but just -mentally and physically limp, weighed down by empty, useless time, which -we try to kill with yawning desperation. - -We are adepts of the idle industries because our time is of no earthly -consequence. Think of the miles of lace we crochet, the impossible -embroideries we make, the countless odds and ends we construct, of no -earthly use except to catch dust. Think of the hours we waste at the -piano which no one wants to hear and which we never learn to play; think -of the awful pictures we make, which no one wants to see; the -innumerable things we do that are so much better done by some one else. -There may be male loafers, superabundant male loafers, but it seems to -me as if their united numbers are as nothing compared to those worthy -lady loafers who are perfectly respectable and perfectly idle. Why -should a woman be permitted to loaf unreproved? Is idleness a feminine -privilege? - -The average man is trained to do some one thing as well as his -intelligence and his industry will permit, but the average woman is -trained to do nothing, at least nothing well--she cannot even keep house -well. Her only object is to fill her aimless existence with something, -anything, just to kill time. - -In other days girls were carefully taught all domestic employments; they -had to learn to keep house, to sew delicately, to cook, and, indeed, to -do all those innumerable minor things which are of such vast importance. -The modern girl is only taught not to be illiterate, that is all. With -this negative quality as a dowry, a pretty face and nice clothes, and -some empty chatter, she is bestowed on a perfectly innocent young man in -search of a helpmate. - -Perhaps for the first time she has a little money--I speak, of course, -of the respectable middle-class woman, for the lowest and highest are of -no account, meeting, as they often do, on the dead level of -extravagance. Now what can we expect of a young middle-class wife who -has some money for the first time? That she wastes it when it should be -saved, and saves it when it should be spent. She buys cheap food, but -she decorates her baby with that white plush cloak and that awful plush -cap which her middle-class soul loves, and which bear witness to her -prosperity. So her olive branch is carried about in plush while her -husband has dismal retrospects of other days, hardly appreciated, when -he took his luscious supper at a third-rate restaurant, which in -remembrance seems a banquet fit for the gods. - -To spend money in just proportion to one's income, however small, and -not to spend too little--for there is such a thing!--requires a higher -degree of intelligence than the aimless and the inexperienced possess, -and the woman who earns money has a keener, juster knowledge of its -value than the woman who gets it from the masculine head of the family -under whose thumb she languishes. Also, as I have said before, she has -to learn the value of time in the process of evolution from the harem to -the ballot-box. - -I have a dear friend, a woman with a massive intellect, who is, however, -not above economy. She has been in search of an ideal greengrocer, and, -after much tribulation of spirit and waste of precious hours that mean -literally pounds to her, she found him in Shepherd's Bush. Lured by the -bucolic name, tempted by a vision of sprouts at "tuppence" per pound -instead of "tuppence ha'penny," she made a pilgrimage there, wasted a -whole precious morning, and joined a phalanx of other mistaken female -economists who stood on wet flags in Indian file, each waiting her turn -to be served. My intelligent friend waited twenty-five minutes, until -she was finally rescued by a serving young man, and had the rapture of -saving sevenpence. - -She, naturally, returned home in triumph and in a 'bus, but she was so -used up by her economy that it would have been flattery to call her a -wreck. That night she had a chill, the doctor was summoned in hot haste, -and he proceeded to attend her with that assiduity which only adds -another terror to illness. When to this is added the bills for a -protracted visit to the seaside, my intelligent friend confessed that it -hardly paid to save sevenpence. - -Now is it not also the extravagance of pure economy that takes women to -the "sales," where they buy all the things they do not want? Would there -be sales-days if there were only men in the world? Did you ever see a -man go from one shop to another to get a necktie "tuppence" cheaper? To -be penny wise is indeed the supreme attribute of women! For the -economical one it is a terrible ordeal to go shopping with a father or a -brother; a lover is different, he is still full of temporary patience. -But husbands and fathers have no patience. - -"If you like it, take it, but don't waste people's time," says the irate -man, as if there weren't innumerable steps to be taken after the initial -process of liking. - -"I think I can get it a little nicer at Smith's," you urge, while your -dear one looks at you cynically, for nicer means cheaper, and he knows -it. "Come on then," and he bundles you into a cab, drives to Smith's, -and lets the cab wait while you try to make up your mind. Those dreadful -cabs, how they do make the economical woman suffer. Did you ever hear a -woman declare that it is really cheaper in the end to take a cab? When -does a woman ever think of the end? The average woman avoids a cab on -principle. She feels it due to this same principle to draggle her skirts -through the mud, to get her feet wet, and to come home an "object." But -thank goodness, she has saved a cab fare, and you can get twelve quinine -pills for tuppence. - -Is it not also a part of our extravagant economy that makes women eat -such queer things when they are by their lonely selves? What -self-respecting man would lunch off a sultana cake, a tart, or an ice? -Show me the self-respecting woman who has not done it! Women know how to -cook--some of them--but none of them know how to eat. A woman feels that -to eat well and substantially is a sheer waste; there is nothing to show -for it, but she would not hesitate a moment to spend even more in -something that she can show. A man doesn't think twice about having a -"ripping" good dinner and a bottle of extra good wine; he thinks it is -money well spent, but he will be hanged before he would buy himself an -ornamental waistcoat and sustain life on a penny bun. - -What awful things we should eat if it were not for men! I am sure _table -d'hôte_ dinners were invented by some philanthropist to save women. "I -cannot eat _à la carte_," said a friend of mine in a piteous burst of -confidence: "it's just like eating money." So when her husband travels -with her he always leads her to the _table d'hôte_ if only to preserve -her from starvation. When she is resigned to the cost, she has an -excellent appetite. I really think if it were not for men women would -wrap themselves in sable and point lace and starve to death. - -Is it not the woman who is the apostle of appearances? Go to a dinner -party where the wines and the food are rather poor and well served, and -you may be sure it is the fault of the dear female economist at the head -of the table. - -Who of us has not come across a gorgeous establishment where it takes -three footmen and a butler to serve a tough chop of New Zealand lamb. -The presiding goddess afterwards drives out in the park in an equipage -magnificent with coachman and footman, and horses shining like satin -with care and good feeding. No, they are not fed on New Zealand lamb! - -For some people it is a wildly extravagant economy to ride in a 'bus. I -know of a family of girls who pine for a 'bus ride as we poor things do -for a chariot and four. They can't afford it; it would ruin the family -credit, which is only kept up by a magnificent carriage--unpaid for--and -a superb coachman and footman whose wages are owing. If one of these -girls were to be seen in a 'bus, it would mean their downfall in the -eyes of the confiding tradesmen. No, not everybody can afford to ride in -a 'bus. After all it is only the rich and great the world permits to be -shabby. - -I heard of a nice girl who "slums" and who lives in the East End, having -shaken the dust of Mayfair from her feet. She has reduced self-sacrifice -to a science, and her life is an orgie of self-denial, and she is a -hollow-eyed, haggard young martyr, and keeps body and soul together on -five shillings a week. My only criticism of this scheme of altruism is -that every once in a while she neglects and starves herself into an -awful fit of illness, and has to be taken back to Mayfair and brought to -life, and then the good physician sends a thumping big bill to her -parents, who never get any credit for charity. Now I think even a modern -martyr ought to have just a grain of common sense. - -There is a certain intellectual town in America where tramcars still -issue return tickets at reduced rates. How well I remember two dear -maiden ladies, armed with principles, walking up and down in the snow -and sleet of a winter's night one whole hour waiting for the particular -tram which would accept their tickets. They let unnumbered other trams -jingle merrily past, while they paddled about in the slush, strong in -their sense of economy. They each saved three cents, and one nearly died -of pneumonia. - -One wonders how many of us die because of our reckless economy? Are we -not for ever doing things for which we have neither the strength nor -the capacity, just to save a few pennies, and do not many of us repent -all our life long? I well remember a lady who to save hiring a man, -lifted her piano to slip a rug under. When I saw her, she had, in -consequence, been a helpless invalid for years with an incurable spine -complaint. - -Are not cheap servants another favourite female economy? I have seen a -sensible woman rejoice because she had captured a cheap servant as if, -what with aggravation of spirits and broken crockery, a cheap servant -does not take it out of one in nervous prostration. Not to mention that -the incompetent eat just as much as the competent! - -Did I not read this very day how two delightful female economists, -waiting for the opening of a certain theatre, sat on camp-stools from -nine in the morning till seven in the evening of a cold, damp winter day -for a chance to dive into the pit, and so to save a shilling or two. Was -there ever a more cheering example of feminine wisdom and thrift? - -I knew a woman who had the economical fad to get double service out of a -match, but she found it awfully expensive. She went upstairs one night -to dress for dinner. A doorway, hung with a frail, floppy art-curtain, -connected her bedroom and her dressing-room. As she entered, she heard -shrieks of "fire" in the street, and tearing open the window she found -the house opposite in flames, and in an instant fire-engines came -clattering through the crowd. She was a kind soul, but she did enjoy -herself immensely, watching it comfortably from her window. It was over -in no time, and as she looked at the chaos of fire-engines and firemen -the thought struck her how convenient it would be if there were another -fire just then in the street, for here they all were ready to put it -out! - -Whereupon she lighted the gas, and, true to her principles, carried the -burning match to her dressing-room, through the floppy art-curtain. The -next instant it was all in a blaze, and she was hanging out of the -window shrieking "fire." They broke down her front door, trailed miles -of dirty oozing hose upstairs, and finally left her gazing drearily at -the black ceiling, the sodden furniture, the dirty water pouring -downstairs, and a hideous burnt wall where the fatal art-curtain had -been. - -"At any rate," she said to herself, as she took a great, long breath, -"it was convenient." - -But since then she has never used a match twice. - -How we all do love to save at the spiggot even if it does pour out at -the bung-hole! Who of us has not seen a woman grow thin and sharp and -old, in the struggle to save pennies while her open-handed husband -throws away pounds? It takes a big, broad-minded woman to know when to -open her purse-strings, and perhaps even a bigger and more strong-minded -one to keep them always comfortably ajar. - -At what early age can the girl-child be taught that what is too cheap is -usually very dear? The majority of women never learn it. How many a -woman goes out to buy a warm woollen frock and returns home with a -be-chiffoned tissue-paper silk, because it was cheap and looked so -"smart." That ghastly, temporary smartness which is a kind of whited -sepulchre! There is no doubt that the Englishwomen--and I include the -Americans--are the most extravagant in the world. - -A Frenchwoman once expressed her amazement to me at the enormous amount -of money Englishwomen spend on what is as useless as froth. Chiffon is -the bane of the Englishwoman; she drapes herself in cheap chiffons while -a Frenchwoman puts her money in a bit of good lace. She adorns herself -with poor furs where a Frenchwoman would buy herself a little thing, but -a good little thing. Finally, when the thrifty Frenchwoman has gathered -together quite a nice collection of lace and fur, the Englishwoman has -nothing to show for her money but a mass of torn and dirty chiffon whose -destination is the rag-bag. After all it is an age of wax beads and -imitation lace, and they represent as well as anything our extravagant -economy. - -Is not our middle-class cooking a monument to our extravagance? A -British housewife has it in her power to take away the stoutest appetite -with her respectable joint, her watery vegetable, and the pudding or -tart that should lie as heavy on her conscience as they do on the -stomach. If the Englishwoman would only take to the chiffons of cooking -instead of the chiffons of clothes! It is an extravagance to cook badly; -it is an extravagance to buy things because they are cheap; it is an -extravagance to waste time in doing what someone else can do better (if -one can afford it). After all it is only fair to employ others when one -has the means. Don't we all want to live? Suppose editors wrote the -whole contents of their papers, and publishers only published their own -immortal works! What then? - -The other day I had to buy some china to replace what had been broken. -"They break it so quickly," I said to the polite salesman, in a burst of -grief. "But if they didn't, what should we do?" he asked. It really had -not occurred to me before, so a polite salesman taught me a lesson. - -It belongs to the economy of the universe that neither we nor anything -else should last for ever. Nature herself is methodically economical, -witness the regular passing of the seasons. And does she not utilise one -in the making of the next? - -Yes, what we women need most of all is to be taught unextravagant -economy, which includes the value both of money and of time, for the day -is coming when women's time will really be worth something. Probably it -will work a political economical revolution, but that cannot be helped, -and, after all, the world's progress is punctuated by revolutions. If -women enter men's sphere, the men will have to do something else. Still, -women are barred by their very weakness from innumerable employments, -and though they demand to vote, one never hears a very enthusiastic plea -on their part to fight. - -So let women earn, or at all events let them be given money as a right -and not as a begrudged charity, and it will be cheaper for men in the -end, with the result that our economy will become less irresponsibly -extravagant. Possibly we will not save much, but we may live better, -and, joy of joys, the doctors' bills will undoubtedly grow beautifully -less, for I am sure that the immense prosperity of that learned and -disinterested profession is mainly due to our extravagant economy. - - - - -_A Modern Tendency_ - - -Where are the aged gone? At any rate the aged women? The fact is, there -are no aged women; for, behold! the hairdresser, the milliner and the -dressmaker have all decreed that there shall be no old age--and, lo! the -miracle is performed; and our venerable grandmothers who once were old -are now only strenuous copies, perhaps a trifle overdone, of our more or -less youthful selves. - -Who has not been told that she looks most lovely in a hat in which her -last grain of common sense must clamour aloud that she really looks like -a fright? Have not each of us, my suffering sisters, had relays of awful -hats tried on our unoffending heads till we look like tortured ghosts, -crowned by a wreath of roses or cabbages, and loomed over by a terrible -young person in black satin? How that young person--well--prevaricated, -and how the cold irony of her eye cut us to the quick! - -I am dreadfully afraid to say so, but there are no serving young ladies -who are so cruel as the milliners' young ladies. They are of course not -all perfectly beautiful, but their wonderful tresses are always built up -in such an artful way that they never fail to nestle in the nooks and -crevices of the most unearthly creations. But they always say "It just -suits Madam," even when they cannot possibly reconcile it to their -conscience! - -One asks why do all the big shops employ, for the destruction of the -public, those tall sylph-like creatures who float about like denizens of -a higher sphere, in their wonderful black satins. These satin robes have -such an air that the white pins which occasionally hold together a rip -look only like an eccentric ornament. The divine lengths of those -graceful figures! - -They are a serious unbending race to whom all things are becoming. So -when they trail up and down what may be termed the trial halls of -fashion to show off to a short, stout customer a garment to which she -mistakenly aspires, no wonder that, struck by a temporary insanity, she -succumbs. She is convinced that her five feet by an equal breadth will -look like a five-foot ten inches, which is, besides, so attenuated that -it is a problem how the young person can dispose of anything even so -ethereal as a penny bun. Why not be merciful and employ a dumpy lot for -dumpy customers! - -It is a terrible thing in these days that there is no growing old. No -happy time comes when the tired features are at liberty to sink into -comfortable wrinkles, and nobody cares. The supreme joy of taking one's -well-earned rest saying, "Behold, I am old! Age also has its beauties -and compensations." The trouble is that nobody really believes it to be -a joy. - -There is probably no parting so painful as the parting from the days of -one's youth; even if the outside be ever so youthful there is a knell in -one's heart that tolls to the burial. One of the surest signs of age is -when one begins to think of the past. Youth dreams of the future, middle -age lives in the present, but old age dreams of the past. But whoever -acknowledges dreaming of the past now that old age is out of fashion! - -Years and years ago, when our mothers were very young, there was a -distinct fashion for elderly people; certain colours were sacred to -them, certain fashions, certain fabrics and certain jewels. What young -creature would have foolishly decked herself in either purple or yellow? -Youth rejoicing in sparkling eyes, resigned diamonds to its elders, and -all aglow with hope and illusions left point lace to deck the stately -shoulders of age along with velvet. - -Now fashion is a republic and the only arbiter is a bank balance or -credit, and young things frisk it in diamonds, velvet, point lace and -sables, and their old grandmothers shiver along in _mousseline de soie_ -and chiffon, roses wreathe their golden locks, red locks, black locks, -as the case may be, but never their grey locks, and the winds of heaven -fan their ageing shoulder-blades. The art of growing old gracefully is -so rare that no wonder we cling to the hairdresser and the dressmaker -with pathetic hands, just to postpone the evil hour; sometimes we think -we have escaped the evil hour altogether. How we do cheat ourselves! - -It is perhaps one of the most blessed dispensations of our frail human -nature that we do not really know how we look; that when we gaze into a -mirror we do not see the sober disillusioning reflection, but rather -some fondly imagined image of ourselves. No woman is heroic enough to -look her imperfections squarely in the face, or why do we see such -curious apparitions? Why does that worn old face hide behind that white -veil dotted with black? Because, when she sees her mistaken old features -in the glass, then she sees what she longs to see, and when her old -heart cannot pump up sufficient pink she dabs on that ghastly rose which -has never yet deceived anyone. - -Ah, yes, the twentieth century is distinctly reserved for youth--old age -is not in it! It is a bad fashion set by that spoilt child of the -world--America. The world pays the same deference to America that the -average American parent pays to his obstreperous child. Yes, the -American child rules the roost, and America rules the world; therefore, -what wonder that age grows more and more unpopular. - -The other day I saw in several papers that in a certain industry no -workman would be employed in future who was more than forty. Put -yourself in the place of a man of forty who is shelved and knows of no -other way of earning his living! If he becomes a criminal, who can blame -him? Recently I read a curious paragraph about the increasing use of -hair-dye among working men. Not beer and tobacco, mind you, but just -hair-dye! Why? Because employers do not want old workmen. So the men -ward off the crime of growing old with hair-dye. Was there ever a more -comic tragedy? - -Alas! the world clamours for youth. White hairs compel no reverence. Age -only suggests to brisk young things that the old people are not up with -the times. What wonder, then, that the world caters for youth, and -nobody takes the trouble any more to create fashions for old ladies? - -If there is an institution which more than others wards off the coming -of age, it is certainly the great shops. Twice a year these arbiters of -fashion sacrifice themselves for the good of the public. Then do they -guilelessly re-mark the treasures of their warehouses with those -tempting signs which produce on the British public the effect of -_hasheesh_ on the native of India. Beware of those peaceful and alluring -pirates of Oxford and Regent Streets, O frail women who draggle last -year's chiffons in this year's mud, and go to the greengrocers in the -shopworn glory of the year before last. During sale-days the British -matron lives in a state of ecstasy. To buy is bliss; to buy cheap is -rapture. Cotton laces intoxicate her, and so does chiffon. She buys -summer dresses in winter, and furs when the July sun bakes the -sweltering town. That nothing is of any earthly use is of no -consequence. Nor is it of consequence that what she buys is youthful, -and she is old. It is these enchanting sale-days that explain the -Englishwoman's orgies of wax beads, picture hats, party frocks at the -wrong time, paper-soled slippers and open-worked stockings in pouring -rain. - -"A strong race, these English," an envious American said to me the other -day. - -"That's because they kill the weak ones off," I explained. "To be a -perfect Englishwoman you must be able to sit with your poor bare -shoulders against an open window at a winter dinner-party, preferably in -an icy draught, and you must smile. If you can survive that you are one -of the elect. It ensures you a social position, because you cannot have -a social position in England if you cover up your shoulders." - -I wish I could offer up an earnest plea for covered shoulders, at least -for the aged! It seems to me when a brave woman has imperilled her life -for forty years, nobly defying the cold blasts on the wrong side of the -dining-table, and after she has got her young brood safely married, it -does seem as if she then might retire to the well-earned comfort of a -high dress without losing her position in society. But to cover up those -poor melancholy shoulders is to announce the oldest kind of old age, and -what woman has the courage for that? - -There is no doubt that old age first went out of fashion when the -bicycle came in, for age was no barrier to its keen enjoyment. But -grandmother could not bicycle in a cap, and so she put on a billycock -hat instead; necessity obliged her to show her ankles, and exhilaration -led her to "scorch." It was then we asked in some perplexity for the -first time, "Where have the aged gone?" - -Still let us cling to youth, it is our modern prerogative as women; but -only let us cling to it to a certain extent--to the extent that life -amuses, but does not hurt. There are some of us who still have emotions -at an age when, had we lived in our grandmothers' day, we should already -have found permanent refuge in big frilled caps. We hardly realise the -safeguard there was in a cap. It was the final chord to show that the -symphony of youth had come to an end. - -In the days of our grandparents it was the men who kept young, while the -women were old at thirty-five; but in these days men are considered old -in their prime, and it is the women who cling to eternal youth. Yes, -indeed, the modern tendency requires readjustment. But after all, does -it pay to try and keep young when one is really tired and scant of -breath? - -Let it go, even the loveliest youth, in its own good time. Have we not -each had our turn at it? But one thing there is to which we should all -cling with might and main, and that is a young heart, for a young heart -has the only youth which is immortal. It will make of any woman, when -the time comes, what is more rare and lovely than a young beauty, it -will make her a charming old woman--and nothing in this wide world can -be more charming, even if it is a little out of fashion. - - - - -_A Plea for Women Architects_ - - -Now that it is the fashion, as well as the necessity, for women to earn -their own living, and when they are crowding into all the employments -hitherto sacred to men (and in some of which they are exceedingly out of -place) one wonders that they so rarely take to a profession--or, rather, -to one branch of it--which seems so distinctly adapted to their -characteristic talents; and that is domestic architecture. - -The longer I live in England the more I am struck by the singular -inconvenience of the average English house; its supreme aim seems to be -to make the occupier as uncomfortable as possible. I do not, of course, -speak of palaces which rejoice in a majestic dreariness, nor of the -homes of the brand-new rich, who, being unencumbered by ancestors or -ancestral castles, can start fresh with all the newest improvements, so -new, indeed, that they are still quite sticky with varnish. I speak of -the average person, who has a moderate income, and who, without -pretension, would yet like to get the most comfort out of life. - -I am well aware that when it comes to a consideration of the defects of -English architecture I shall be completely crushed by a reference to -English cathedrals, to which the American makes adoring pilgrimages. It -is true they are glorious. We do not live in cathedrals, however, but in -houses, and the English houses are far, far behind the English -cathedrals. - -In America we are on the high road to perfection in domestic -architecture, owing, possibly, to the acknowledged supremacy of our -women. Where a woman reigns supreme, it is the end and aim of her men to -make her comfortable and happy. Now the American architect, being a man, -and belonging most likely to some woman, makes it his pride to provide -for her--or her sex which she represents--the most comfortable, -convenient and pretty house to adorn with her taste and her presence -until she moves. We have no legacies of famous cathedrals; but, O! we do -have absolute comfort in our houses! - -A woman is not wasteful in small things, but a man is; who then is so -adapted to utilise the small space which constitutes the average house? -A house can be the visible expression of all her cleverness, her -economy, her taste and her common sense; it will give her an opportunity -to be great in the minor aspirations. Possibly she might fail if she -tried to build a cathedral--as she has failed in the highest expression -of any of the arts--but she is undoubtedly created to bring that into -the world which stands for comfort and for happiness, and where can she -so fully prove her homely genius as at her own fireside? - -Ah me, the fireside reminds me of how one shivers through an English -winter! A man does not realise how terribly cold a woman can be, a mere -man architect who rushes about all day long with twice as much clothing -on as the average woman wears, and who, besides, never undergoes the -ordeal of a low-necked dress! - -It really would seem as if the male architect of houses can only -construct the obvious; his imagination declines to soar. If he is an -Englishman he firmly believes in the methods of his ancestors more or -less remote, and that explains why the Victorian house with all its bad -taste, and inconvenience still remains the popular town dwelling-place. -So common is it, that an enterprising burglar having "burgled" one, can -find his way safely over half the houses of London, and be positively -bored by their monotony! Now these houses are the creations of men -architects, who have seen nothing else, and who lack that architectural -intuition which can make them evolve what they have never seen, and -enables them to immortalise in brick and mortar the vagaries of a dream. - -Therefore it is high time for women to come to the front! A woman has -intuitions, and when she really doesn't know it is her proud boast that -she can guess, and, surely, that does quite as well. When she builds a -house she will feel it, as a poet does his poem. She will put herself in -the place of that other woman whose destiny it is to live there. She -will create for her all the delightful things she wants herself. She -will warm that house comfortably, because she herself hates to shiver. -She will put in plenty of cupboards, because without cupboards life is -not worth living (to a woman)! Her kitchen will be in just proportion to -the size of the house, and not a kind of baronial hall in which even the -beetles look lonely. Having pity on mere human legs she will cease to -build Towers of Babel. - -Then, her genius being for detail, she will see that the interior work -of the house is well and delicately finished. What impresses me most in -comparing the work of an English and an American workman is that the -American is more careful and deft. He leaves no dabs of paint, or seams -of coarse cement. The Englishman is distinctly clumsier in his methods -and his results. - -The woman architect will pay especial attention to the plumbing, not -only to its sanitary, but also to its ornamental aspect, which leaves -much to be desired. And she will, if it is humanly possible, construct a -bathroom for those of the household who need it most--the servants; and -when she has done all this, then she has only done what is common in -American houses built for families of comfortable, but not large -incomes. - -Further, the woman architect will study the economical use of -electricity. She will not (being a woman) waste it by putting too much -of it in impossible and unbecoming places, and yet at the same time she -will know just where to place an artful lamp so that her long-suffering -sister will at last be able to see, even at night, how her dress hangs. -She will not be extravagant; for extravagance she leaves to her brother -architects, who understand neither the value of space nor the wise -economy of exertion. For this reason I urge that women should become -architects, but only domestic architects. They must not meddle with -cathedrals! - -The more comfortable and convenient the houses are the more pleasant the -daily life, and what that means as an influence on the temper of a -nation cannot be over-estimated. It may do for peace what the Hague -Conference has so magnificently failed to do. So we shall inevitably -become a better and happier people when the minor problems of life are -solved once for all: the carrying of coal upstairs; the freezing in -winter, because the heating methods are inadequate; and the shielding -of one's wardrobe from the festive moth in a space already overflowing -with other garments. - -No, women should never build cathedrals; but I am quite sure it is their -destiny to build what is possibly of even greater importance, and that -is the homes of the people. - - - - -_The Electric Age_ - - -The American contribution to the characteristics of nations is hurry, -and it is so contagious that the whole world has caught the -infection--the whole world is in a hurry! - -The modern man has as much emotion and variety crammed into a year of -his life as would have sufficed to leaven generations of lives two -hundred years ago. Now as we can only eat so much with comfort, in the -same way our brains will only assimilate so many impressions, and our -hearts will only bear a certain amount of emotion. If we have too many -impressions we go mad, and if our hearts are too full they break, only -we are told there is no such thing as a broken heart. But there is. - -It goes without saying that impressions, both on the heart and the -brain, which are as rapid and broken as the biograph, must be of -infinitesimal duration. It is therefore a foregone conclusion that the -modern man is not only in a perpetual hurry from his cradle to that -final rest where all hurry ceases, but his memory, being limited to a -certain number of photographic plates, while the impressions are -unlimited, has but an infinitesimal space for each. The appeals made to -our understanding in those limited years we call a lifetime are simply -maddening. We have the entire daily history of the world dished up hot -for a ha'penny innumerable times a day, and when it is a day old it is -ancient history fit only to do up bundles with or light the fire. - -It is perhaps not one of the least terrors of life that the world is -growing so small, cruelly linked together by the copper coils of the -cable, that before long there will not be left a nook or cranny where -the soul can escape to solitude. There will be nothing left to discover -in this little world, and if the astronomers do not come to our aid -where will the outlet be for eager adventurers? - -The world expects so infinitely much, that what constituted a great -explorer fifty years ago and set the world talking, is the common -experience of numberless young fellows, with much money and leisure, who -go to darkest Africa in search of big game, and hardly think it worth -while to mention it. - -Everybody does something; the world is on a tiresome level of universal -ability! Everybody writes books: whether they are read is a secret no -publisher will disclose. Art is pursued with frantic haste, but is being -rapidly overtaken by the biograph. Music stuns the air and machine music -proves its superior ability, and in the United States education has -developed into a kind of decorous mental orgie. Even religion we get in -a rush when, as a stray sinner, we wander into a hall and are tossed -into a possible harbour on the crest of a rollicking hymn. Peace to the -soul that finds a harbour, however gained, only the fact remains that it -is often gained in a desperate hurry. - -Statistics prove, we are told, that human life is longer now than in the -past, what with the new hygiene and better nourishment; and yet the -working days of a man's life have so pitifully shrunk together that a -man of forty is shelved in these electric days as he once was at sixty. -No wonder then that the world is in a tearing haste, seeing how soon a -man gets over his practical usefulness, which means how soon he gets to -the end of his life, for life is work; after that it does not count. - -It is the new creed, and it comes from America along with the hurry. It -is the creed of a people who in their mad haste are losing their sense -of humour, for if a man has a touch of humour certain phases of American -life must, in the vernacular, "tickle him to death." - -Minerva is undoubtedly the patron goddess of America; did she not spring -full panoplied from the head of Jove? She took no time to be born; she -had no leisure for celestial teething nor whooping-cough. Education, -under her fostering care, does not come by degrees. - -Yesterday the great grubbing material city was intellectually a desert; -to-day it possesses a university in full swing, endowed with millions, -boasting the last "cry" of the most modern of brains. Hastily elbowing -its way along the path which the old universities trod in impressive -silence for centuries, it arrives shoulder to shoulder with them, still -rather fresh in the way of varnish because it is so new, breathing hard -because of the speed, and wanting only what is, of course, of no earthly -consequence--tradition and the memory of what was both good and great. -This seems to be the only thing with which a university cannot be -endowed! - -All over the States universities spring up like magnificent -mushrooms--over-night--and what with the men's universities, the women's -colleges, university extension lectures and Chautauqua, not to mention -educational schemes of a more modest nature, the United States may be -said to be getting educated by electricity. - -It takes a stranger in America some time to get accustomed to the mental -pace. I shall never forget the German director of a rather famous Art -museum there, who came to us in a towering rage and blurted out his -indignation. He had been in America only a few months and the sober -methods of the Fatherland still clung to him. - -"These Americans, O these Americans!" and he tore his long hair. "I haf -a letter this morning from a young man, and he ask me--Gott im Himmel, -is it conceivable?--he ask me can I--I--I--what you call -it?--guarantee--that he can became a portrait painter in three months! -It is to grow mad!" - -But not only the Fine Arts. A young doctor was explaining to me how -thorough and broad his medical education had been (he was from the -West), and as impressive and conclusive evidence he added, "I've even -taken an extra term on the eye." Now a term is three months. - -Alas, it is all owing to the electric age. Why will inventors invent so -many time and labour-saving machines? Heaven forgive them! The more -intelligent the machine the more machine-like the man who runs it, or is -run by it, if the work it leaves him to do is limited and monotonous. -Inevitably his outlook on life must become very narrow, and he must lose -all ambition, all sense of mental responsibility. Think of spending the -days of one's life making eyelet-holes! Many people do. - -What good is all this deadly haste to the world? What real good is it -doing the labourers and the lower middle-class men, of whom the world -mostly consists, if cables and wireless telegraphy make them, so to -speak, the next-door neighbours of an estimable yellow man in China? -What help to them if they know the daily tragedies of the uttermost -corners of the earth the same day rather than never? What use to them -the knowledge of how to murder their fellow men scientifically in a war -with all the modern improvements? What help to them if a million -inventions make their patient hands useless, but provide them with -luxuries they cannot afford? - -Every day thousands of new companies are promoted to exploit inventions -that have for their end and aim the doing of something in the greatest -possible hurry with the least possible aid from mere men. Some day the -lower classes will become perfectly unnecessary, like 'bus horses. The -world will then be full of the only people who really count, and who can -afford to be in a hurry: kings and queens, the rich and great, and above -all, those golden calves the world worships, who rule the trusts, who in -turn rule and ruin the world. - -The question is, will the world be as well off if it has reached the -summit and apex of hurry? In those days there will be no more -contentment, for the electric age is, of all things, the enemy of -contentment. Yes, by that time the whole world will be discontented, and -the universal characteristic of nations will be that they are -tired--tired--tired. Then, of course, men will die in their early youth, -worn out and old, for, after all, they are only men and not gods. -Besides, have not the gods always had a bad reputation for jealousy, and -have they not always punished the presumptuous mortals who tried to -steal their divine fire? - -Even the Electric Age cannot escape its Nemesis. - - - - -_Gunpowder or Toothpowder_ - - -Why are the English, admittedly the apostles of the tub, so indifferent, -as a rule, to the condition of their teeth? If they would do only an -infinitesimal bit as much for their preservation as they do for the -preservation of their monuments, it might possibly have a momentous -influence on English history. - -Why the inside of a man's mouth should be of no importance compared to -his outer man is a riddle; but so it is, and a man who would feel quite -disgraced to be seen with dirty hands, leaves his teeth in a condition -which is quite appalling. If, as it is said, bad teeth are a sign of the -degeneracy of a race, then are the sturdy English in a very bad way, and -melancholy indeed is their deterioration since the days of their -ancestors of that prehistoric age whose relics are found in Cornwall and -Somerset. - -It is a comfort to learn that not only common sense, but vanity, is as -old as the hills, for among those ancient remains were found some -rouge, and a mirror, all of which can be verified in the museum at -Glastonbury. My heart went out to the prehistoric lady who used the -rouge; it brought her very near with its suggestion of frailty and -feminine vanity, and I am quite sure that the mirror as well was her -property. I lingered over the rouge, the mirror, a tooth, a prehistoric -safety-pin, and some needles, and let the others bother themselves about -such really unimportant details as weapons and utensils. As I strolled -on I saw a skull two thousand years older than any recorded history, and -it grinned cheerfully at me with as perfect a set of teeth as ever -rejoiced the heart of a dentist. I could not help thinking what a shabby -exhibition we should make in similar circumstances! - -There is no doubt that our over-civilisation deteriorates our teeth, -which is proved whenever prehistoric remains are discovered. The last -were, I believe, found in Cornwall by a lucky man who bought a strip of -land, or, properly, sand, on which to build himself a cottage, and, on -proceeding to dig a cellar, found it already occupied by the remains of -prehistoric human beings. Some of the skeletons were still in the same -curious attitude in which they had been buried, and the superior ones -among them (socially!) had the right sides of their skulls smashed in to -prevent the restless spirit from seeking re-admittance. - -It was the most melancholy sight in the world, these bones which even -the alchemy of thousands of years had not resolved into merciful dust. -The immortal skeleton was there nearly intact, while brilliant, as if -brushed that very morning, grinned those splendid prehistoric teeth, -white as the kernel of a nut, impervious to decay. - -A big glass case against the wall of the little museum, which has been -built on the spot by the fortunate discoverer of the "bones," was full -of carefully preserved teeth which had been found there, and their -beauty and perfection would have rejoiced the heart of that artist in -teeth _par excellence_, the American dentist. - -The room was crowded by middle-class excursionists, who, with a -middle-class joy of horrors, even if prehistoric, in default of anything -fresher, stared round-eyed at the skeletons, skulls, shinbones and -other impedimenta of decease, and I was struck by the solemnity and -dignity of those poor old bones compared to the commonplaceness of the -empty faces gazing at them. - -"Oh, I say, don't you wish you had them teeth," I heard a young thing in -a scarlet tam o'shanter and a fringe giggle to the youth by her side, -with an imitation panama tilted back from his receding forehead. I -understood the gentle innuendo, as he promptly stuck his cane into his -mouth and sucked. - -There was something very magnificent and tragic in those lonely graves -of a humanity, already extinct when ancient history began, resting under -the roll of the Cornish sand dunes, where the sullen cliffs stand -sentinels against the seas. Until the twentieth century they had rested -forgotten, and then an undignified chance betrayed them. - -It was a gold mine for the enterprising proprietor, whose moderate -charge for a sight is only threepence a head. He is a man of engaging -humour, and he is not only on intimate terms with his "bones," but with -the eminent scientists who still wage a bitter but bloodless feud over -the remains, whose biography so far is only written in sand. - -That he is not only a cheerful but a witty man is greatly to his credit, -for he lives a lonely life on his sand hills, with only the cliffs as -his neighbours and the roar of the ocean and the whistle of the wind to -break the silence. For labour he excavates his graveyard, and for -relaxation he catalogues his bones. His free and easy comments on his -subject (or subjects, rather) are really very exhilarating to the -philosophic tourist, and indeed it was he who first drew my attention to -the deterioration of English teeth. - -The eccentricity of the Early Victorian teeth was for decades the pet -subject of the Continental caricaturist, the peculiarity being generally -ascribed to the British female, her male companion merely rejoicing in -hideous plaids, abnormal side-whiskers, and a fearful helmet decorated -with a flowing puggaree. Times have changed. The British teeth have -ceased to protrude, and, indeed, they now veer around to the other -extreme, and instead of prominent front teeth the Englishman now often -rejoices in no front teeth at all, or between none and the ordinary -number nature intends there are countless variations. - -I have been waiting for a genial caricaturist to seize on this simple -and unostentatious national trait. If bad teeth are a common sign of -ill-health, then alas for the English masses who form the strength of -the nation, for their neglected teeth are a menace and a warning. - -There is no emotion in the world, except the fear of death, that will -not succumb to an aching tooth. A villain with the toothache is more -villainous than without it; while a lover with the toothache does not -exist, for a lover with the toothache ceases to be a lover. The -toothache is so exquisite a pain that it demands the undivided attention -of the brain, with a persistency so nagging that no other pain enjoys. -It will even wreck a man's career. What man can write a great poem or -win a battle with an ulcerated tooth tearing at his nerves! Should we -investigate, it will be discovered that the greatest men in the world -who made history, art, and science, never had toothache, which first of -all kills the imagination. Mathematicians might survive, for such -imagination as they have is riveted in facts. - -In addition to the other disabilities, toothache is undignified; there -is nothing interesting or romantic about it! It is one of the first -pains impartial nature bestows on her children, and which is the only -common heritage that justifies that misleading clause in the American -Constitution that all men are born free and equal. That pain and what -was in our childhood euphoniously called "tummy ache" lead the revolt in -nurseries. - -There is hardly a bodily ache which literature has not idealised, but an -aching tooth has yet to find its dramatic poet. In fact, there is about -it a touch of the ludicrous which its concentrated anguish does not -justify. It is curious that so intense a suffering should be so -undramatic, but it is the one agony which does not desert us this side -of the grave, and which even the genius of a Shakespeare would hesitate -to bestow on his hero or heroine. Anguish comes to them in many ways, -but the great poet discreetly avoids teeth. - -The only historical reference to teeth I have ever noticed is when the -sacred Inquisition, always original and playful, tears them one by one -out of the mouths of heretics and Jews as being gently conducive to -confession. But even this undoubted torture is singularly undramatic, -and has, I believe, never been used by a tragic poet. - -It is one of the aggravations of toothache that it inspires but lukewarm -sympathy; even your parents know you will not die of it. The greatest -concession to your suffering is that you may stay away from school, and, -if you are very bad, mother ties a big handkerchief about your face, -which is something, but not much. But even parents are strangely -inconsiderate, and I realised even in my infant days that had these same -sufferings been situated more favourably in my body I should have been -promoted to bed and the family doctor. - -A very famous American dentist met the English husband of an American -friend of mine with the genial congratulation, "My dear sir, I wish you -joy! You have married a first-rate, A1 set of teeth." - -Possibly the tribute was too professional, but it really meant so much. -Indeed, one of the most promising signs of the future of the American -people is the importance they attach to good teeth. The American dentist -is the greatest in the world. His deft skill constructs those delicate -and complicated instruments that help him to repair the ravages of time -and ill-health. Not only does he produce an exact copy of nature, but -his is the only instance known to science where human ingenuity excels -nature's--his teeth do not ache! It is also required of the modern -dentist not only that he should be a consummate mechanic, but he must be -a doctor and surgeon as well, to be able to cure the cause behind the -damage. - -When I see so many people here who have bad teeth--which to say the -least is a blemish--it is a prophecy that the next generation will have -even worse, which means a deterioration in health, therefore in -intelligence and ambition. So in due course England will lose her proud -position as the greatest nation in the world, simply because England -would not go to the dentist; which is a curious neglect for a people -whose morning tub is much less likely to be neglected than their morning -prayers. - -If I were one of the powers that be I should require all Board Schools -to furnish their pupils with tooth-brushes and toothpowder, and the -morning session should be opened with a general brushing of teeth. Not -only that, but I would have a dentist attached to each school district, -whose duty it should be to attend to the children's teeth free of -charge. If England wants good war material (and there has been some -adverse criticism of the quality of her soldiers) she must cultivate it, -and it is her duty to step in where the parent fails. A day labourer -with a large family does his best if he and they keep body and soul -together. It is for the State to step in and rescue the young teeth from -premature decay, thus undoubtedly increasing the health of the growing -body, and at the same time teaching the young things those cleanly -habits which make for self-respect and health. - -The English have not the habit of going to the dentist; money paid to -him they consider wasted--there is nothing to show for it. It is like -putting new drains into the house, only not so necessary. They still -have teeth taken out rather than stopped (filled), as being cheaper, and -when they are all out they replace them on too slight a provocation by -what American humour calls "store teeth." - -Nor are the English supersensitive. Their complacency, which upholds -them in more important things, inclines them to believe that if their -fathers muddled along with bad teeth so can they. It does not take away, -they think, from the charms of their best girl if she smiles at them -with a gap in her teeth, or if in colour they shade into the darkest of -greys. As for a man, he can always lie in ambush behind his moustache, -or at worst he can draw down his upper lip and leave the unseen a -mystery. - -Still, there is hope for the future, and England shows signs of -awakening! A truly progressive member of a certain board of guardians -recently had the temerity to demand tooth-brushes for the pauper -children. The worthy mayor who presided at the meeting was nearly -paralysed at the audacity of the request. He not only sternly refused, -but he denounced it as pampered luxury and extravagance, and he was so -roused by the outrageous proposal that he taunted his brother guardians, -and said they themselves had probably not indulged in the sinful luxury -of a tooth-brush for forty-five years. Possibly, but at any rate it -proves that England is really awakening, and that even an infant pauper -may some day look forward to the rapture of possessing a tooth-brush! - -Yet even bad teeth sometimes find their Nemesis! A very important public -position was recently vacant for which there were some two hundred -applicants. These slowly resolved themselves down to two--one an able -man, and the other an exceptionally able man. They had to have a -deciding interview with the arbiter of their fate, so great a man that -he is called a personage, and he gave the position to the able man -rather than the exceptionally able man. His explanation for his curious -choice was quite simple, "He really had such horrid teeth that I could -not bear to have him always about." - -Has any historian left his testimony as to the teeth of the ancient -Romans, when that great nation fell into decadence? Statues all testify -that the deterioration did not affect their noses, but I feel sure that -if their rigid marble lips could open we should find the first cause of -their historic downfall. - -As the extinction of a nation is foreordained in its very inception, so -the fall of America is possibly already predestined. Well, it may be -owing to trusts, but it will not be owing to teeth. All over the -American land is heard the busy wheel of the dentist. Hundreds of -thousands of dentists are forever filling and scraping and pulling -American teeth, and the American people emerge from their dentist chairs -and smile broadly, a source of joy to the beholder and not pain. They -pay their dentists, if not with rapture, at least with resignation, -because they know that their children will inherit good teeth, and it -will be a pleasure to kiss them from their cradle on, at all stages. Nor -when their young men go out to war will they be declared by the medical -examiners unfit because of their bad teeth. Instead, they will clench -their good teeth and fight right pluckily, as only those can who attend -strictly to business, undisturbed by pain. - -One hears England called the freeest republic in the world, and that -here, as nowhere else, every man has his chance. Well, England may be, -to all intents and purposes, a republic, but to rise from the ranks is -only for the man of commanding talent, and for him there is always room -at the top--everywhere--all over the world. But for the ordinary man who -has ordinary abilities, and yet is not without ambition, America is the -land. - -He may start as a day labourer and have luck and his son may one day be -President of the United States; or he may grace any one of those -innumerable offices which are in the gift of a grateful party! That -keeps self-respect lively in a man, and is what makes him know not only -his own trade, but just a little more. How one suffers because the -British workman only does what he is obliged to--and not that. How often -one rebels because the subordinate English official knows just what he -is obliged to know, and not a hair's breadth more! That same man set -down in America will learn to the fullest extent of his intelligence. - -Tooth-brushes make for health, health makes for intelligence, and it is -the intelligent man the world wants and pays for; which proves the -incalculable importance of tooth-brushes in the progress of the world. -Possibly the atmosphere of a republic is more conducive to good teeth; -but, really, England should make a supreme effort to save her waning -power from falling into the grasp of the great republic, which it is -inevitably bound to do if England does not go to the dentist. - -In the political economy of nations the tooth-brush is of much more -importance than the sword, and toothpowder is infinitely more important -than gunpowder. As England never considers the millions she annually -spends in gunpowder, why does she not pause in her martial career and -spend a few thousand pounds in toothpowder? - - - - -_The Pleasure of Patriotism_ - - -In the way of rulers there is nothing quite so nice as a king. A king -focuses one's patriotism, and being above everybody in his kingdom is -probably the only person in it who arouses no envy. The fact is he -inspires in us a sense of proud proprietorship. We rejoice that he has -the loveliest of queens, and the lovelier she looks the more we are -gratified, just as if she were one of the family. So when the king's -diplomacy wins a bloodless victory we are as proud as if most of the -credit belonged to us. - -Indeed, one realises the intimate pleasures of patriotism most on coming -from an impersonal republic to a kingdom where the royal family is a -vital part of the national life. We republicans are nothing if not -patriotic, but while we are loyal to the broader aspects of patriotism -we miss perhaps its little intimate pleasures. - -It is, for example, rather difficult to feel a deep sense of personal -loyalty towards the man whom the freak of fortune places for four years -at the head of the nation, and of whom one knows very little. The -personal interest one takes in him and his family is quite artificial. -Opposed to him in politics, one doubts his fitness for his great -position; and if one is of his party one favours him with that frank -criticism which one naturally feels for the man who yesterday was no -better than oneself, and who in four years will come down from his -exalted height with the rapidity of a sky-rocket, only to join the army -of the "forgotten" so delightfully characteristic of republics. - -A republic is a worthy and useful institution, but there is a monotony -in a country that consists entirely of kings and queens. It is very nice -for all to be born free and equal, but it is not interesting, and there -is some comfort in knowing it is not true, for Nature hurls us into the -world a living contradiction to that rash statement of the Declaration -of Independence. - -It is only since I have lived in England that I have recognised the -value of the lesser patriotism. Without being in any way disloyal to my -own country, I must confess that I am conscious of quite new emotions -in this at least partial possession of a king. One feels a critical -sense of ownership. The Houses of Parliament belong to me, and -Westminster Abbey, and the Horse Guards. A whole troop of these -clattered past me in Oxford Street to-day, and, though they didn't know -it, I reviewed them from the top of a 'bus. I own the sentries before -Buckingham Palace, and I take a personal interest in the new gilding of -the great railings, for so much gilding must impress visiting -royalities, and visiting royalities ought to be impressed! - -Now our American Government not only declines to impress foreigners, but -takes unnecessary pains to remind us that Benjamin Franklin appeared in -homespun and wollen stockings at the Court of France. Times have changed -since then, and though we have discarded wollen stockings in our -intercourse with foreign Courts, our republic, in her consistent -encouragement of an out-of-date Spartan simplicity, leaves her -ambassadors to pay her legitimate little bills themselves, with the -result that she limits her choice of representatives to men who are not -only distinguished, but also rich enough to pay the heavy and necessary -expenses of their great position, which should by right be covered by an -adequate salary. - -It is not that our Government is impecunious; it is only pennywise. Now -for the first time in our history America has an embassy in London -worthy of her greatness, thanks not to our Government, but to the -princely munificence of her new Ambassador. Perhaps he will never know -the impetus he has given to the lesser patriotism, nor with what -innocent pride we have contemplated his residence from every point of -view, and with what patriotic rapture we watched the erection of that -splendid marquee destined for the welcome of his fellow-countrymen. - -For the first time I realised that this was _our_ embassy and _our_ -marquee, and I was proud of my country. These were the outward and -visible sign of our great prosperity. Perhaps our Ambassador thinks he -is the temporary owner of this stately splendour. It is a pardonable -mistake, but the fact is we are the owners, we Americans who have -strayed into this crowded and lonely London by way of Cook's tours, and -floating palaces, and who are, many of us, homesick for the sight of -something "real American." - -Last Saturday we celebrated that famous Fourth of July which England is -so courteous as to forgive. For the first time we penetrated into our -embassy. We were aliens no more, we were, so to speak, on our native -heath, we could not be crushed even by those magnificent footmen in -powder and plush--our footmen--who, as beseems the footmen of a free and -independent people, were quite affable. - -How proudly we patriots filed up the marble stairs and stared at the -pictures and at each other, and acknowledged with a genuine glow of -pride how well we were all dressed. I guess! - -"We are a prosperous nation," I exulted, as I had some republican -refreshment in the marquee under a roof of green-and-white striped -bunting. How good the lemonade tasted! A patriotic lady, with a huge bow -of stars and stripes tied in her buttonhole, said enthusiastically, -"There is nothing like American lemonade!" - -For once one rose superior to the English. One longed to recite to them -the Declaration of Independence. I swelled with pride, it was all so -well done, and it was my embassy, my marquee, my ices, and my -Ambassador. For the first time one revelled in the joy of a worthy -possession. For once the English accent was relegated where it -belonged--to the background--and we Americans talked unreproved with all -those delightful and familiar intonations which eighty millions of -people have stamped as classic. - -My only other experience of a Fourth of July reception, though there -have been many distinguished and hospitable American Ministers since, -was years ago. Two of us, urged on by patriotism, chartered a -four-wheeler, and were deposited before a modest house, which was so -dark inside, compared to the glare outside, that we stumbled up the dim -stairs behind other ardent republicans, and groped for the hand of our -hostess, who had apparently mislaid her smile early in the day. Then we -blinked our way into a dark drawing-room, where a circle of patriots -stared coldly at us. - -In our search for our Minister we attached ourselves to a little -procession that filed into the next room, and we found him talking with -delightful affability to an Englishman. To an Englishman, and on this -day of all days! To an enemy of that great country which paid him his -inadequate salary, while we, his own people, stood meekly about waiting -until it should suit him to notice us, and bestow on us that handshake -which is the inexpensive entertainment of all republican functions. - -First we stood on one foot, and then we stood on the other, and then we -coughed--a deprecating, appealing cough--and finally our Minister took a -lingering, fond farewell of his Englishman, and then turned to us, with -a frost-bitten expression of resignation which did not encourage us to -linger. We shook his limp hand, and then we jostled each other into the -dining-room. - -We were filled with an acute resentment, but far from declining to break -bread in his house we decided to take it out of him in refreshments; but -the unobtrusive simplicity of the preparations foiled our unworthy -designs. - -Those were simpler days, and enthusiastic republicans arrived in every -variety of attire. Most popular of all was that linen "duster" with -which in all its creases the travelling American loved to array himself. -Sometimes he wore a coat under it and sometimes he didn't. Those were -the days of paper collars and "made-up" ties, and on state occasions a -cluster diamond "bosom pin." It was a stifling hot day, and we passed -into the small dining-room, where a long table imprisoned three waiters. -It was a question of each for himself, and I remember the father of a -family clutching a plate of what we Americans call "crackers," and -refusing the contents to all but his own offspring. - -How we struggled for tea, and what a mercy it was that the waiters were -protected from bodily assault by the table! One bestowed on me a -tablespoonful of ice cream, densely flavoured with salt. For a moment I -hated my country. Republican elbows poked me in every direction, and -while I stood helpless in the crush I saw an elderly and stout -compatriot pour the tea she had captured into the saucer, and with a -placid composure proceed to drink it in that simple way. - -"To think of it," a voice cried into my ear in pained and shocked -surprise, "and she a relation of Longfellow's!" - -Exhausted I found myself in the street in a chaos of frantic -republicans, part of whom clamoured to get into the house, and part -struggled to get out. - -If our great Government would only realise that there is nothing so good -for the soul as a thrill of patriotism! It is worth cultivating. We -cannot all lay down our lives for our country, but there are lesser acts -of loyalty which are of infinite value. It belongs to the lesser -patriotism to show other folks that we are just as good as they are, if -not a bit better. It is our patriotic duty to wear good clothes, to look -prosperous, and to prove to foreigners that the star-spangled banner is -quite at home even when floating over a palace. It is really worth while -going down Park Lane just to say "Our Embassy!" - -When I told the cabman to drive to the American Embassy, and for the -first time in history he positively knew the way, I thrilled with -patriotic pride. It marked an epoch. - - - - -_Romance and Eyeglasses_ - - -It is curious to observe that even the greatest realists do not venture -to bestow eyeglasses on their heroines. It is rather odd too, seeing how -many charming women do in real life wear them, nor are they debarred by -them from the most dramatic careers and the most poignant emotions. But -while the modern novelist has bestowed eyeglasses on everybody else he -has not yet had the hardihood to put them on the nose of his heroine. -Why? - -It is a problem which again shows the unquestionably undeserved and -superior position of man, for a novelist does not hesitate to put him -behind any kind of glasses, and leave him just as fascinating and -dangerous as he was before. Eyeglasses are so much the common lot of -humanity these degenerate days that babies are nearly born with them, to -judge at least from the tender age of the bespectacled infants one sees -trundled past in their perambulators. And there is no doubt that the -time will come, if the strain on the hearing increases from the diabolic -noises in the streets, that the next generation's hearing will be as -much affected as our eyes are now. The result will be that all the world -will be using ear-trumpets, and the novelist of the future, the -accredited historian of manners, will be obliged, if he is at all -accurate, to have his love-sick hero whisper his passion to the heroine -through an ear-trumpet. However it is a comfort not to be obliged to -solve the riddles of the future. - -Still if it is inevitable that the future deaf hero will have to fall in -love with a deaf heroine, why should not the present astigmatic hero in -novels be permitted to fall in love with a beautiful creature in -glasses? He certainly does it often enough in real life. Of course it -would not do for a heroine to have a wooden leg, I grant, and yet I have -met a hero with a wooden leg, and I am quite sure I know several who -have lost an arm; why then should it be required of us poor women to be -so perfect? If a man can wear spectacles without forfeiting his position -as a hero of romance, I demand the same right for a woman. Why, a man -can even be bald and she will love him all the same! Now I ask would the -hero love her under the same circumstances? There is no use arguing, for -that very fact proves that there are laws for men and laws for women. - -The truth is she will love him under every objectionable kind of -circumstance, both in real life and in novels. Has not a thrilling -romance of recent years produced a hero without legs, and made him all -the more hideously captivating to the patron of the circulating library? -Now what novel reader would, even under the auspices of so gifted a -novelist, take any stock in a heroine similarly afflicted? Yes I fear, -though it is neither here nor there, that men also have it their own way -in literature. - -To be sure there are instances of blind heroines inspiring a passion, -and also, I believe, of lame heroines limping poetically through the -pages of a novel, as well as burdened with other disabilities which -apparently never take away from their charms; but I know of no heroine -whom the novelist has endowed with a _pince-nez_. Now why are glasses -in literature so incompatible with romance in a woman while they never -damage a man? - -Why can a man look at the object of his passionate adoration through all -the known varieties of glasses and yet not lose for an instant the -breathless interest of the most gushing of novel readers? His eyeglasses -may even grow dim with manly tears, and the lady readers' own eyes will -be blurred with sympathetic moisture. But let the heroine weep behind -her glasses and the most inveterate devourer of novels will close the -book in revolt. It is no use to describe how the heroine's great brown -eyes looked yearningly at the hero behind her glasses, nor how they swam -in tears behind those same useful articles, the reader refuses to read, -and even if the heroine is only nineteen and bewitchingly beautiful, she -is at once divested of any romance. - -What a mercy for the novelist in this age of perpetual repetition, of -twice told tales, if he might give his heroine a new attribute! One -feels sure that if eyeglasses and their variations were permitted they -would produce quite a new kind of heroine, to the immense advantage and -relief of literature. Of course the novelist has to keep up with the -times; it is as imperative for him as for the fashion-books, for it is -from him alone that future generations will learn how we lived, dressed -and looked, and what were our favourite sufferings. So the novelist -cannot of course ignore what is so common as eyeglasses and he has in -turn bestowed them on all his characters except his heroines. One can -understand his hesitation when one tries oneself to put glasses on the -noses of one's own literary pets, and then realises how they war with -romance. Put a pair on the nose of the loveliest Rosalind who ever -wandered through the enchanted forest of Arden, or let the most pathetic -Ophelia look through them at Hamlet with grief-stricken eyes, and I am -quite sure that even Shakespeare's poetry would not survive the shock. - -But if eyeglasses are tabooed by novelists, what shall we say of -spectacles? What gallery would accept a Juliet with spectacles? For a -woman in literature to wear spectacles is to put her out of the pale of -romance at once. Even in real life spectacles are a problem, but to the -heroine of a novel they are impossible. No novelist with any regard for -his publisher or his sales would venture to give his heroine gold -spectacles. The only ones I remember as the property of a heroine of -fiction belonged to the heroine when she repented, and they more than -anything else proved the sincerity of her remorse, and these were the -famous blue spectacles in "East Lynne" that worked such an amazing -transformation upon that erring and repentant lady. - -Yes, a heroine can be repentant behind spectacles, but I defy her to be -alluring. I was struck by their sobering effect on studying the head of -the Venus de Medici decorated with a pair in the window of an inspired -optician. They so changed her expression that she might have -successfully applied for a position in a board-school. - -It is possibly a digression, but I should like to know why opticians and -corset-makers look upon the young Augustus and Clytie, who loved Apollo -the sun-god, as especially created to exhibit their wares? It seems but -a pitiful ending to the career of a Roman Emperor to show the passing -multitude how to wear spectacles, or to prove the superior excellence of -a certain kind of green shade for weak eyes. And why should Clytie, with -her face shyly downbent, as well it may be, be obliged to appear in the -newest things in stays, in Great Portland Street? I wonder. - -To return to glasses. Perhaps the only thing in glasses on which a rash -novelist might venture is the monocle. I have not yet met a feminine -monocle in fiction, but we all know its entrancing effect when worn by a -man. We even realise its power in real life. It gives a man a kind of -moral support and even changes his character. I have seen meek and -rather ordinary men stick in a monocle, and it at once gave them that -fictitious fascination, that, so to speak, go-to-the-devil impudence -which is so irresistible. It is the aid to sight essentially of the -upper classes, or of the best imitation, and as such it naturally -inspires the confidence of society. - -Of course the feminine monocle is not adapted to all costumes, but there -is about it a rakishness, a coquetry particularly suited to a -riding-habit. The suggestion is quite at the service of any harassed -novelist. It may be quite as much a help to sight as spectacles, but, O, -the difference! A woman buries her youth behind spectacles, but she can -coquet to the very end behind a monocle. - -A charming creature used to pass my window every day on horseback. I had -a distant vision of a rounded figure in the perfection of a habit, a -silk hat at just the right angle and a monocle. I wove romances about -her; she was Lady Guy Spanker and all the rest of those mannish and -dangerous coquettes of whom I had read. Yesterday we met at a mutual -greengrocer's. She was elderly, and she had discarded the monocle for a -pair of working eyeglasses with black rims, through which she studied -the vegetables with the eye of experience. She also wore a wig, a black -wig. I was so aghast that I stared speechlessly at the greengrocer who -patiently offered me cabbages at "tuppence" a piece. "It can't be," I -said, still staring. "I beg your pardon, Madam," he said, quite -offended, "it's the usual price." "It must be the monocle," and I -pursued my train of thought aloud. "No," the greengrocer retorted with -some impatience, "it's a Savoy." - -But it is only the monocle which has that rejuvenating effect. The other -day I called on the loveliest woman I know, and who has always seemed to -me the picture of exquisite and immortal youth. She looked up from the -corner of a couch sumptuous with brilliant cushions. She had been -reading, and she laid aside her book and something else. I followed her -hand and felt as guilty as if I had been caught eavesdropping. There lay -a pair of gold spectacles and I saw a red line across the bridge of her -lovely nose. Those wicked spectacles! How they took away the bloom of -her youth. To me she will never seem young again, only well-preserved, -alas! How tragic to think that even beauty comes to spectacles at last! -Now how different it is with men. If they do have to wear spectacles -they do it boldly, and not on the sly, and yet they always find some one -to love them, so the novelists prove, and they ought to know. - -But a heroine with spectacles, that is a different thing. What novelist -has the courage for such an innovation? Even realism, which we know -usually stops at nothing, does draw the line there. - -Now I do ask in all seriousness, are eyeglasses in fiction really so -incompatible with romance? - - - - -_The Plague of Music_ - - -Yesterday as I strolled through this little Hampshire village, I passed -a woman with a baby in her arms, followed by a chubby boy of about -three, whose little trousers had only just emerged from the petticoat -stage. He lingered behind his mother, and drew across his pursed-up lips -and his puffed-out red cheeks the instrument called a mouth harmonica, -and drank in rapturously his own celestial harmonies. - -"Come 'long with your mewsic," his mother remarked briefly over her -shoulder. And he came. - -I looked smilingly after that young disciple of what may be truly -described as the most offensive of the fine arts, and meditated on the -poverty of language which describes by the same word the art of -Beethoven and the tooting of a penny whistle--at least in the vernacular -of the people. - -There is, perhaps, no common characteristic more unfortunate than the -sheep-like habit human beings have of imitating each other. As infants, -the howling of one baby certainly encourages any evilly disposed infant -in the neighbourhood to imitation, and a group of roaring youngsters -rejoice in their rivalling shrieks. - -As we grow older this artless love of noise is of necessity controlled, -but human nature must have vent, so by a kind of common consent we give -way to our natural exuberance in what, for lack of other description, we -are pleased to call "music." Music is the only divine art we are -promised in Heaven, and it is certainly the only divine art with which -we are tortured on earth. - -The nerves of the ear must be the most sensitive of the whole nervous -system, for they have it in their power to inflict the most exquisite -torture. The silent arts, no matter how outrageously presented, cannot -possibly make one quiver in agony, nor set one's teeth on edge with the -sharp lash of a discord. Eyes are long-suffering, and they look at what -is discordant with indifference, possibly with resignation, and at most -with impatience; nor have these silent discords the power to leave the -human being distinctly the worse for his experience. - -No other art is able to inflict such merciless suffering! Under the name -of music we are afflicted with every variety of noise, including the -hand organ, the bagpipes, the German band, the man who toots the cornet -in the street, the harp man, the lady who has seen better days and who -sings before our house in the evening, the active piano-organ invented -by a heartless genius, the musical box and all its amazing progenies, -the gramophone and the pianola. Not to mention the millions of pianos -and the millions of fiddles that never cease being thumped and scratched -all the world over night and day. The contemplation of such collective -discord is truly appalling. - -Unfortunately for us we live in an inventive and imitative age, and one -is inclined to think that the devil is the patron saint of inventors, or -why has the blameless spinet waxed great and blossomed into a piano? Why -should the resources of a modern orchestra be at the disposal of every -infant whose mistaken mother plumps it down on the piano-stool and lets -it thump the keys to keep it quiet! One would so much rather hear its -natural shrieks than that other noise which is supposed to be a harmless -substitute! Why music, of all the fine arts, with its power for -inflicting untold anguish, should be the most common, passes my -understanding. - -The printed page is undoubtedly long-suffering, but it is silent. It is -of course true that to be an author, nothing is necessary but a sheet of -paper and a pencil, but I defy the most energetic author to read his -work to ears that refuse to hear. Now with music it is different, one -simply _can't_ get away from it, because cruel inventions--I do not -think I am exaggerating?--have brought its exercise within reach, I will -not say of the poor only, for the thumping of the rich and great is -equally horrid, but of the mistaken poor. - -I do not urge that the infant mind, in the process of being cultivated, -should be turned to literature, for it is bad enough already owing to -benevolent publishers who, in the praiseworthy desire not to allow any -light to be hidden under a bushel, emulate each other in trying to -illuminate the world with farthing tallow-dips! It would, indeed, be -ghastly to listen to the literary outpourings of every infant one met, -and equally ghastly never to be able to flee from the rendering of -masters of literature as interpreted by the intellect of three years up. -Thank heaven, we are spared this in literature if not in music, but, I -ask, if we must have a fine art to trifle with, why not take to -painting? Painting is _so_ inoffensive. - -It was the English who, before they became so musical, dallied for a -while with painting. There was a time, if we may believe those -biographers of manners, the novelists, when all England sketched, and so -gave vent to all its superabundant emotion in paint. There was no -landscape safe from the emotional Englishwoman. Instead of strumming -false notes on the hotel piano she went out with a paint-box and -sketched the uncomplaining landscape. At any rate the long-suffering -landscape made no sound. - -It cannot be denied that one suffers less from a bad picture than from a -bad anything else, the agony also is short, nor is it necessary in the -process of painting to inflict pain. Painting is an exceedingly silent -art, and its results are easily disposed of as wedding presents, because -the recipient cannot possibly rebel. - -There is, also, that delightful alternative of decorating one's house -with one's own immortal works. I was recently shown a lovely picture -gallery entirely hung with the work of its owner. I emerged from the -experience smiling and quite calm. Now what would have been my condition -had the good lady insisted on reciting to me eighty of her poems (there -were eighty pictures), or, more harrowing still, had she insisted on -playing to me eighty compositions of her own, or even eighty -compositions of others, with stiff and reluctant hands? For which reason -I maintain that painting is the most inoffensive of the arts and -deserves to be encouraged. - -But seriously, why should every child be taught to play the instrument -quite irrespective of its having any talent or taste for music? Why in -the world, where martyrdom is usually the price of living, should a -select little army of martyrs suffer a double martyrdom? Why draw them -by the hairs of their inoffensive heads to the piano-stool and make, as -it were, at one fell swoop, two martyrs, the one at the piano and the -wretch who, on the other side of the wall, gives the lie to Congreve, -who mistakenly declared that "Music has charms to soothe a savage -breast"? Had Congreve lived now he would have hesitated to make so rash -a statement. - -In Congreve's day the piano, the greatest instrument of torture of -modern times, had not been evolved. Its ancestor, the spinet, tinkled -plaintively away under its breath like a musical mosquito with a cold on -its chest, and was--alas, how happily!--within reach of only the few. In -those days, when its feeble tinkle was a mere whisper, house-walls were -made of such stupendous thickness that not even the turmoil of a modern -orchestra in the next room could have penetrated. - -But now, in these unhappy days, when every family is obliged to have a -piano or be despised, and when in apartment-houses each floor quivers to -a piano of its own, the architect and contractor--a terrible combination -for evil!--have conspired together to erect walls like tissue paper, -behind which the harassed householder cowers, mercilessly exposed to -musical scales as practised on an instrument powerful enough to have -cast down the walls of Jericho. And here he vainly seeks for a peaceful -retreat from the noise of cabs, 'buses, motors, traction-engines, -electric trams, and all the other ear-splitting sounds which, -apparently, follow in the relentless march of progress. - -It is very appalling to consider that at this very moment the children -of the entire civilised world are, with few exceptions, engaged in -playing false notes on a variety of musical instruments. It is not too -much to say that in this respect the uncivilised have a colossal -advantage over the civilised. - -In a certain familiar oratorio innumerable pages and much time are taken -up in an endless reiteration of the words, "All we like sheep." I beg to -ask if the worthy sopranos, altos, tenors and the rest, ever did realise -the profound truth of that over-repeated and rather monotonous -statement? We _are_ all like sheep! We do what our neighbours do; we -think what they think and we wear what they wear. In fact, we are -tailor-made inside and out; no, we are worse than tailor-made, we are -ready-tailor-made, for we are made by the gross. - -If there is a thing the world shudders at and resents it is originality. -If a human being cannot be classified as belonging to a certain cut of -trousers, coat or waistcoats, let him beware, for he is a misfit human -being, and we all know the cheap end of all misfits! It is as -embarrassing to have anything obtrusive in one's mental make-up as in -one's physical. Happy is he who is on a dead level! - -One would like to offer up a meek plea for originality were one not -aware how unpopular it would be. To be original is only next worse thing -to being a genius. We do resign ourselves to sporadic cases of genius, -but a world peopled by genius (for we all know what that is akin to) is -more than we could stand. It is about the same with originality. So the -next time we sing "All we like sheep," let us consider well the meaning -of these inspiring but misunderstood words, and greatly rejoice. - -This train of thought is the result of my landlady's little boy, -separated from me only by a thin lath partition of a wall, playing -five-finger exercises in halting rhythm and with innumerable false -notes. The instrument is one in which the flight of years has left a -tone like a discontented nutmeg-grater. If the little boy had the legs -of a centipede and played his chosen instrument with these instead of -two dingy little hands, he could not perpetrate more false notes. - -The number of false notes that can be evolved through the medium of -eight fingers and two thumbs is simply appalling! The little boy, a pale -child in a long pinafore and big white ears, hates his chosen instrument -as much as I do, and so we meet on a level of mutual affliction. I -loathe hearing him, and he hates his instrument; now, in the name of -good common sense, why must he be offered up as a sacrifice? - -His mother is a poor woman, and the tinkling cottage piano with the -plaited faded-green front represents the chops and many other wholesome -things she has not eaten, and what she allows the young lady in -third-floor back, who takes her board out in piano lessons, is a serious -sacrifice. Now, I ask, what for? - -Why is all the world playing an unnecessary piano? - -Marriage has a fatal effect on music. For some occult reason as soon as -a girl is married, the piano--the grave of so much money and -time--retires out of active life, and swathed in "art draperies," -burdened by vases, cabinet photographs and imitation "curios," serves -less as a musical instrument than a warning. But like all warnings it -passes unheeded, for no sooner are the next generation's legs long -enough to dangle between the key-board and the pedals, than the echoes -awaken to the same old false notes that serve no purpose unless an hour -of daily martyrdom over a tear-splashed key-board is an excellent -preparation for the trials of life. - -Music, as it is taught, is not so much a fine art as a bad habit. Alas, -we have got into the habit of learning to play the piano, and the bad -habit of playing on the violin is fatally on the increase. Seriously -now: why? Because it is considered both uncultivated and quite -unfashionable not to be fond of music or to pretend to be. Why? The -answer, "All we like sheep." - -I know of only one man who has the courage to say that he hates music. -It is his misfortune, not his fault, and without doubt there is -something wrong about his inner ear. Still, I always wonder why his -frank and honest confession is received with a kind of pitying contempt, -as if he had writ himself down to be both a brute-beast and a heathen. - -Love music, and for some unexplained reason you at once have a profound -scorn for all such as do not. My friend who hates music understands and -loves both pictures and poetry, and, goodness knows, there are plenty -who do not! And yet I have never heard him inveigh against those who -love neither. Yes, music may be a divine art, but it is certainly not a -charitable art. - -Even as long as one can remember, the study of music and the making of -musical instruments have been terribly on the increase. Mediocrity, that -might do excellent work in other fields, strums away at the piano or -scratches away at the violin, or with quavering voice sings those songs -which have inspired the poet to write: - - I am saddest when I sing, - And so are those who hear me! - -The world is full of music schools, that turn out thousands of young -musicians every year, who take to music instead of dressmaking or -plumbing or any other useful employment, and these are let loose on a -foolish world and proceed in turn to make martyrs of the defenceless -infants of our land. And it is curious, too, and instructive to observe, -considering the vast sums of money and the amount of time spent in the -pursuit of music, how rarely one can find any one who plays or sings -well enough to give even a little pleasure. - -The possible reason may be that the standard of mediocrity has become so -terribly high! For the halting amateur of to-day might have served as a -Paderewski of the past. Our ears have grown hopelessly fastidious. - -No more is the afternoon caller regaled with _The Happy Farmer_, as -performed by the talented child of the house, and listened to with real -pleasure by unsophisticated grandparents. We know too much to listen to -the talented child, and as for the talented child it generally -developes into a young person who has nervous prostration at the mere -idea of playing before anyone. For what purpose, then, these hours of -five-finger agony and those enormous bills which might have been paid -for so much better results? - -Then, too, consider the awful competition to which the present votary of -music is subjected--pitted, as it were, against the pianola, the Æolian, -the gramophone, and the other countless mechanical devices, which so -successfully prove that human ingenuity can create everything but a -soul. Wet blankets they are to all musical aspiration, for what musical -aspiration can successfully compete against steel fingers without -nerves? - -I do not think one would feel so acutely about the matter if music were -a silent art, and if it did not represent such a waste of money and -energy which, turned to other uses, might have been of such value. - -Let us have the courage to say, when it is the truth, that we dislike -music. It is nothing to boast of, but neither is it a crime nor a -disgrace. If your blessed Sammy bedews the piano keys with tears of -anguish, and if, after a time, you discover that his soul is not -amenable to the poetry of sound, then earn the fervid gratitude of your -neighbour on the other side of that jerry-built wall, and release the -young sufferer. - -Be merciful! - - - - -_A Domestic Danger_ - - -There are certain times of the year when the shops, the acute arbiters -of fashion, send broadcast those entrancing picture-books which advise -the wavering woman what to buy, what to wear, and how to wear it; and -every year the lovely creatures portrayed grow more lovely. Once my -dream was to be a queen in a black velvet garment, that hid my pinafore, -and a spiky crown--the kind as old as fairy stories. While waiting for -the real article I practised with a bed sheet and crowned myself with a -brass jardiniere that leaked, but was very imposing, though upside down. -I have had other aspirations since, and my very last has just come by a -discontented postman because it would not go into the letter-box. - -One goes through all stages of dreams until one comes to the conclusion, -but that is always very late in life, that one must resign oneself to -the inevitable; even science cannot turn one's nose down, when nature -has turned it up, and no longing for five feet ten will help one whom -nature has finished off at five feet two, though shops have been known -to succeed where nature and science have failed, and it is owing mainly -to them that this is the age of tall women. Why the men do not keep pace -is partly a physiological riddle and partly because the shops are not -interested in mere men. But it is a common sight these days to see a -great blonde goddess with gigantic feet and hands, which she takes no -trouble to conceal, having in tow a little man just tall enough to -tickle her shoulder with his moustache. It is perhaps a merciful -dispensation of Divine Providence that extremes not only meet, but -evidently like to meet. - -Yes, one's ideals in the process of living change. However, one feels -convinced that the feminine ideal is always connected with clothes, and -whatever the Venus of Milo may be to men I am quite sure that with her -generous waist and rudimentary costume she has never been the ideal of a -feminine dreamer. It is not so much the impropriety of having on few -clothes that disturbs the female mind as it is the having on no real -nice clothes. The old ideals are getting so dreadfully old-fashioned! A -Greek goddess at an afternoon tea would have nothing in common with the -new ideal but her height; her ample waist and her heroic simplicity -would be out of it in an age which is trying to live up to the new -standard of beauty as set by those infallible connoisseurs--the -dry-goods stores. The enchanting books which these send out at the -beginning of each season represent as nothing else the world's ideal of -perfect feminine beauty. I will not discuss men's beauty, because a more -gifted pen than mine has been at quite unnecessary pains to increase -their already alarming vanity. But I must confess that now my own -standard of womanly loveliness veers like a weather-cock to the wind, as -I study the pictorial production commercial generosity stuffs into my -letter-box. Once I wanted to be a queen with a real crown, now I want to -be just like the beauteous creature on that paper cover. - -Once I thought to be perfectly beautiful was to be broad at the -shoulders and pinched at the knees; then it was the other way about. -Finally I was educated--literature helped the delusion--to think that to -be acceptable one had to be a tiny thing stopping just where "his" manly -heart throbbed. I have seen shopworn feminine articles left over from -that bygone season, and how ridiculous they do look! - -I am sorry these days for a short girl, for the man with the throbbing -heart is always on the look-out for a young giantess, into whose lovely -eyes he can only gaze by standing on a step-ladder. - -Yes, I really want to look just like that enchanting creature who gazes -at me from the book Mr. Whiteley, in his subtle study of my weak mind, -sent me yesterday. Who is the divine original? Apart from wearing such -beautiful clothes, what has she done to be so perfectly lovely? She -cannot be less than seven feet tall, and crowned by a dream of a hat. -Her eyes are so big and brown and trustful, and her mouth is the -traditional rosebud, while her nose--a feature to which in real life -nature is usually most unkind--is so small that fashions for -pocket-handkerchiefs must soon go out. Her shoulders are so broad, and -yet her waist is so attenuated, that I wonder if--well--if she has any -organs, or does she rise superior to organs? I ask in the spirit of -serious inquiry, for I should not like to be misunderstood. And then -when it comes to that which society, in its exquisite propriety, blushes -to mention, I do believe that under those frilly petticoats, Nature, -ever considerate and bountiful to her, has provided her with telescopic -stilts, and not the other thing. At least that is the only explanation I -have ever found for her divine length! So what wonder if one sits at -one's dressmaker's day in and day out, while that patient woman produces -volume after volume representing perfect beauty combined with perfect -taste, that the average woman is crushed at the impossibility of -reaching such a standard of perfection? - -If I were a man, my only aim in life would be to find the original of -that superb creature, and lay at her feet my heart, my life and my -purse. The last is very necessary, for she needs all those innumerable -and fascinating things with which Mr. Whiteley, Mr. Harrod, Mr. Barker, -and all the rest of those well-meaning but cruel tempters fill up the -pages of their catalogues. These catalogues are really a biography in -pictures, in which the beautiful She is shown to the world from the most -intimate undress up, and in every phase she is lovely and dignified. Her -perfect propriety in "combinations"--for which occasion she evidently -discards stilts!--her _svelte_ and sinuous grace in corsets, while in -petticoats one hardly knows which to admire most, her frills or her -bland unconsciousness, and as for her dresses, from the one in which she -is thrillingly pictured as pouring out a slow cup of coffee, she cannot -fail to arouse in each the jealousy of the most generous of her sex. - -Her characteristics are always dignity, vacancy, and a smile not always -appropriate to the occasion, I am free to confess, for I have seen her -smile, by mistake of course, in the heaviest of widow's weeds. But -perhaps that was because her head is always supremely unconscious of -what the rest of her is doing. It is the unconsciousness of a great -artist who is attending strictly to business; for she has not even a -touch of vulgar feminine coquetry. - -If she fascinates the weak-minded man who idly turns the leaves of the -fashion-book, it is in spite of herself. When she stands confessed in, -say, corsets--an attitude which must be trying in the cold eye of the -public--she does not look embarrassed, she only looks dignified. She is, -in fact, the direct modern descendant of the Vestal Virgins who -sacrificed their beauty to religion, only she sacrifices her beauty to -business. The comfort for a tired man to come home to her placid, -well-dressed society! That she never loses her temper her exquisitely -dressed head amply proves, for you can't lose your temper and preserve -the serenity of your back hair! The rapture of a man and a father to -come home to his perfectly dressed, silent infant which smiles sweetly -from the latest thing in lace cribs, while She bends over him in a -toilette which expresses as nothing else can maternal solicitude -combined with perfect taste. - -Then to see her play tennis, unflushed, unruffled, with her adorable -hair still intact; skipping with such ladylike activity, and always -smiling. What rapture for a loving man! The delight of golfing with her -and her numerous sisters--such a family resemblance!--unexcited, -ladylike, the linen collar about her swan like throat never wilted, but -a monument to some celestial laundress, and delivering her strokes into -the landscape with that inconsequential feebleness which men love, say -what they will. - -Then, too, to see her listening, in full dress, to the touching strains -of the pianola, as performed by a soul-inspired being in the last thing -in party frocks and a flower-crowned _coiffure_, is a study of -controlled emotion. She _is_ moved, but too much emotion might ruffle -what the poetry of commerce has so sweetly named her "transformation." -So she controls her feelings, and looks with calm and thoughtful eyes at -the back of the "artiste's" marvellous toilette, and possibly wonders, -to the strains of the "Largo" of Händel, how she got into her -"creation." But that is a dead and awful secret only known to Mr. Harrod -or possibly to Messrs. Derry and Toms. - -How many a time have I watched her in a paper-garden-party mingling with -other lovely beings of her own sex, for her sense of propriety never -allows her to mingle with those gallant gentlemen in frock-coats and -evening dress we admire in the tailors' windows. The landscape is--if I -may say so--of a most ladylike nature. Mud is absent, for the fair -beings meander about in a landscape which nature has apparently cleaned -with a tooth-brush. I suppose their need for amusement is amply -satisfied with staring at their lovely sisters or offering them fans or -bouquets--for I have rarely seen them do anything else, though once the -artist who portrayed them became dramatic, and introduced two young -things of their kind playing at battledore and shuttlecock in the -background. - -The greatest innovation was when She was pictured as pouring tea in a -baronial hall. The exquisite grace with which she "poured" was a lesson, -though I had a terrible doubt as to whether there was anything in that -perfect teapot. She wore a tea-gown which was the last "cry" in -fluffiness, and the friends about her were gorgeous, in attitudes which -did more justice to their toilettes than their manners, for the way they -turned their flat backs on each other might, in other society, have -given offence. Another innovation in the picture was a perfect footman, -a perfect page-boy, and a perfect butler, a noble being like an -Archbishop, but much more serious. It was well that no other mere man -was present even on paper, for the combination of loveliness was -overpowering. - -Ah, yes, indeed, if the usual run of mothers and wives were like these, -then would there need to be no outcry against the selfish bachelor who -refuses to marry. Instead, the bachelor in his five hundred horse-power -motor, defying speed limit, palpitating with eagerness, would fly to lay -himself at her exquisitely shod feet. For what does man care for beauty -unadorned! As for intellect, well, intellect has never been in it! - -I am quite sure that neither Mr. Whiteley, nor Mr. Harrod, nor the rest -of the public-spirited gentlemen, whose only object in life is to make -us beautiful, know what harm they are doing; or why do they portray a -race of women to whose perfections mortal women must ever vainly aspire. - -Your lovely syrens with their divine legs--there, the awful word is -out!--never go shopping through the mud in the early morning! When they -wear a dress it is called a "creation," and it is certainly not the year -before last's best in reduced circumstances. When they lift their -elegant robes, and show their sumptuous frills, it proves that they know -nothing of the depravity of "model" laundries. Nor do I for a moment -believe that their smiling babies--the smile inherited from their -mother, sweet, but slightly vacant--know the agonies of teeth, -nettle-rash or colic. - -In fact, I refuse to believe that such perfect loveliness can exist. It -is a poet's dream, evolved by those worthy gentlemen who only make life -a greater trial for us by sending us quarterly reminders of what we -ought to be, but what most of us are not. It is a crime to introduce -into the bosom of contented families such presentments of too lovely -women. Man _is_ weak, and when the wife of his heart comes home from -shopping with her hat on one side, by accident, not coquetry, her -ostrich plume limp and lank from a battle with the rain, a rent for the -convenience of her nose, her _chaussures_ caked with mud to match her -petticoats, and on her face an expression which is not bland as she -hears shrieks proclaiming colic, how can he help but make sorrowful -comparisons with a vision in his mind of a silent infant in a -lace-smothered crib that smiles at him from Messrs. Dickins and Jones's -alluring book? - -Then is the harm done; the weak father falls a victim to his ideal, and -his heart turns from his distracted, bedraggled wife to that lovely -vision who entered a happy home through the innocent letter-box to the -eternal destruction of its domestic peace. Thus "home," once the bulwark -of the British nation, is rapidly becoming a mere mockery. - -I ask, in the interest of society, why cannot the lovely beings in the -fashion-papers and fashion-books be made less lovely? Whatever you are, -and I commend this sentiment to all, as well as to distinguished -haberdashers, be truthful. Be truthful! Chop off at least one foot and -eight inches from those lovely ones who imperil our peace. Be realists -at least occasionally; portray them with a rip, or a skirt which is -short where it should be long; let their hair be out of curl, and -buttons off their boots--anything, only to prove that they also are -human. - -The postman has just brought another big, square, flat familiar parcel. -I shall destroy it; it is too entrancing. It portrays Her in a golden -_coiffure_ crowned by a hat that breathes of spring. Clad in a perfect -and appropriate "creation" she has climbed into an apple-tree, to which -she clings with white gloved hands. Playfully and yet with perfect -propriety she peeps through the clustering pink blossoms. It is the same -smile, the same irreproachable nose, the same wave to her golden hair, -the same great eyes. Now to put this vision of beauty and grace high up -in a tree unflushed, unscratched, unruffled, untorn, is really too much -to bear--besides, it is false to nature! The head of the house shall not -look at her and make cruel comparisons, and decide in his ignorant -masculine mind that all women can look so after they have climbed a -tree. Then grow discontented when one tries to explain to him that they -cannot. So then, before it is too late, here goes--into the fire! One -domestic peace at least is saved. - -Now I ask Mr. Whiteley, Mr. Harrod, Mr. Robinson, and all the rest of -the gentlemen who stand for all that is best in the way of hats and -clothes and things, and to whose benevolent guidance we women trust -ourselves, be merciful as well as truthful, we beg, and do not make -those beautiful creatures quite so beautiful! - -It is the new invasion, compared to which the possible arrival of hordes -of worthy yellow men is as nothing. The invasion, think, of too -beautiful ideals into hitherto contented homes! Mr. Whiteley, you who -have always provided everything, start a new branch,--give us peace! -Head a great movement which shall have as object to portray the fashions -by less bewildering beauty. Earn what has probably no commercial value, -and that is our gratitude! Remember that we are not only women but -customers. - -Now supposing all your customers should revolt? What then? - - - - -_A Study of Frivolity_ - - -After studying the veracious and thrilling works of our modern -dramatists, one comes to the conclusion that the lady with a past, -though she may suffer from nothing else, does suffer tortures from tight -boots. Whatever situation they put her in, however harrowing, pathetic -or revolting, when boots would seem to be the last consideration of a -tortured conscience, yet hers have that exquisite, brand-new perfection -which proves that, when she is not planning wickedness nor torn by -remorse, she spends the rest of her time buying boots, and we all know -that new boots hurt rather more than a bad conscience. - -It is also the happy destiny of this lady to wear the most superlatively -beautiful clothes, and when, in moments of guilty emotion, she swishes -her train about, we have a vision of petticoats which only she, -indifferent to the voice of conscience and laundry charges, dares to -wear; and still more damning witness than her petticoats to her evil -conscience is the elegance of her feet. Your real hardened adventuress -on the stage always wears the most delicious slippers, no matter how -inappropriate to the occasion, but she wears them prophetically as it -were, for she alone knows that she is destined to die in the fifth act, -with her feet to the footlights. - -To the social philosopher there is no more interesting sight than the -window of a fashionable shoemaker's, there to make mental notes of the -destiny of all those charming little shoes and slippers that confront -one in all the coquetry of commerce. The only thing needed is a band to -make them frisk about in all their gold, white, scarlet and bronze -frivolity. The sophisticated curve of the satin heel and the tiny -pointed satin toe are still innocent of worldly knowledge. Care, even in -the shape of the daintiest foot, has not touched them yet, they have not -been danced in, nor kicked off, nor made love to; in fact, they have not -been born. - -There is, however, a destiny for slippers as well as other things, and -there is a certain slipper, long and slender, with arched instep and -Louis XV heel which, so instinct tells us, is inevitably destined to -belong to a lady with a past. Virtue never wears anything so subtle nor -so pretty, for, indeed, it is only conscious rectitude that dares to -dispense with coquetry, and wears her boots boldly down at the heel. - -Given a woman's shoe, and one can easily evolve out of it her entire -emotional history, just as a naturalist reconstructs from a bone the -entire animal to which it once belonged. Not long ago I saw a famous -German actress as Beata in Sudermann's play "The Joy of Living." It is a -fine melodramatic part. She has a lover and a husband--familiar -combination--but the sin is in the past, and they have all three reached -that comfortable middle age when people are supposed to know better. - -Unfortunately at the eleventh hour the husband discovers the secret of -his wife's old faithlessness and his best friend's treachery. At a -dinner in the last act Beata drinks a toast to "The Joy of Living," and -promptly solves the riddle of existence by staggering into the next room -and poisoning herself. It was as she staggered away that the German -actress deprived me of all my illusions for, as she lifted her dress -rather high in her anguish, she exhibited a pair of broad, flat boots, -with patent leather tips, and the kind of heels only virtue wears, broad -and flat and low. I thought I saw side elastics, but that may have been -the effect of a perturbed vision. - -However, from that moment I lost all belief in Beata's trials. A woman -with such boots never takes her own life, never has a lover, never has a -past, but she has a good sensible husband who falls asleep after dinner, -and while he snores she knits him golf stockings. The audience was under -the impression that Beata had killed herself in the next room, but I -knew better. No, those feet were not made for tragedy, even Sudermann's -art could not convince me, and so a pair of German boots spoiled my -illusions. - -It is not often that we poor philistines have the privilege of studying -at close range the lady who may be truly described as the pet of the -stage, and when we do so we owe it entirely to our kind dramatists; and -find however much she and her sisters may differ in the details of their -interesting careers, they have in common the transcendent charms of -their toilettes and the fascination of their slippers. - -When one sees how uninteresting the play would be without her, how often -virtue is rather fatiguing and not nearly so well dressed, and how the -dramatist gives his favourite the most interesting talk and the most -dramatic situations, one realises her importance, and that she is quite -indispensable to the stage, whatever she is in real life. One only -regrets, when society is a little fatiguing, that she is not -occasionally permitted to pass through in her gorgeous toilette and her -immoral slippers, and that bewitching side glance which one only sees on -the stage, just to make society, like the stage, a little more -thrilling. - -Now in the days of the older dramatists when much was left to what in -this material age is fast dying out, that is the imagination, if the -dungeon of Lord de Smyth was wanted, the scene-painter nailed up a -sign-post with the simple notice, "This is the Dungeon of Lord de -Smyth," and the audience were as much thrilled as if they could hear -the clanking of the fetters. - -In these days we refuse to take our dungeons so absolutely on faith, -and, still, if we see a too beautiful creature in red hair (fascinating -crime always has red hair), gorgeous clothes, and slippers with Louis XV -heels--that estimable monarch was responsible for so much sinfulness -combined with singular good taste--and an opera cloak all lace and -allurement, the kind for which virtue has neither the money nor the -taste, then we can settle down to a good three hours' thrill, for those -perfect garments are as much an indication of the dramatist's intentions -as in less sophisticated days the sign-post which announced the dungeon -of the de Smyths. - -We have learnt by experience that certain kinds of clothes always come -to a bad end, though never until the fifth act; while virtue, without -any nice clothes to comfort her, has a very bad time for at least four -acts and a half. One could wish the dramatists would give virtue a -better chance! - -A very charming woman regretfully confessed to me that the old proverb, -that virtue is its own reward, is distinctly discouraging. She felt, -with a perfectly blameless existence behind her, that she had a right to -demand of fate jewels more precious than imitation pearls, and a mode of -transit more patrician than a 'bus or the "tube," or a four-wheeler on -state occasions. Her bitterness was enhanced by a picture in the -"tube-lift" of a lovely creature ablaze with diamonds, who advertises a -firm of philanthropists from whom one can get one's Koh-i-noors on the -instalment plan. - -If ever a young person looks as if she had had a chequered past, it is -this young person, so radiant, so self-satisfied, and so prosperous. She -is a painful satire on virtue in a mackintosh with a dripping umbrella, -who has no earthly hope of diamonds, no matter how she may long for -them, and who stares drearily at the lovely being until she is bounced -out upon terra firma, and then pushed into the rain by other virtues -with umbrellas and very sharp elbows. The charming woman further -declared that virtue should be offered a more substantial reward than -imitation pearls these days when the shoemakers, dressmakers and -dramatists form a "combine" for the exclusive glorification of the lady -in question. - -But it is not only the eloquence of slippers, but the eloquence of -petticoats! Are not our shop windows the Frenchiest of French novels, -divided not into chapters, but into petticoats? Do they not form -flamboyant rainbows behind those glittering plate-glass fronts? That -there is no one inside of them takes nothing away from their charm. To -see them out-spread against a window--a bewildering chaos of colours, -frilly, fluffy and fantastic, is the outward and visible sign of an -inarticulate poet who lives sonnets in silk without putting them on -paper. How much more satisfactory to live poems than merely to write -them! - -So every shop window proclaims that this is the age of petticoats. Who -buys them, who wears them? Why are they never seen again? Yet well may -we ask what sylph can worthily wear those coquettish fantasies? It must -be conceded, though it will hurt out national pride, that only the women -of one nation have that sovereign right. - -It is the Frenchwoman alone who can lift her skirts with that supreme -elegance which turns even the worst mud puddle into an instrument for -the display of her exquisite grace. She is the artist of the -petticoat--and if she lifts her skirts rather high, it is because she -does not feel it her duty to help the County Council to sweep the -streets with the tail of a draggled gown. - -Now when an English woman lifts her skirt, she does it as one on -business bent; coquetry is not in it. She makes a frantic clutch at the -back of her skirt, grabs a solid handful, and drags it uncompromisingly -forward until she outlines herself with simple, cruel distinctness. Her -silhouette is a curious study in angles. - -Though she has no coquetry about her feet or her petticoats, the -fatality of fate ordains that she should always wear high-heeled -slippers and cobweb stockings in that downpour which Divine Providence -reserves exclusively for the English nation. This opportunity she also -takes to wear those lace petticoats which, having survived the terrors -of the British laundry, succumb to British mud. Heaven, in its -inscrutable wisdom, has denied to the Anglo-Saxons and Teutons that -subtle turn of the wrist which makes the lifting of a skirt a fine art. -Even the American woman, conqueror though she be of dukes and lesser -things, has never yet conquered that Latin grace. - -Now who buys those silken rainbows in the shops? Get the sphinx to -answer that riddle if you can. Do they vanish into space, or are they -bought by those radiant beings who flit about in electric landaulettes, -and whom we never meet, because we flit about in 'buses? - -If the rainbow ever touches earth it is on exceptional occasions which -only prove the rule. And it is always when virtue, always elderly and -stout, with big, flat feet in cloth boots, lifts her skirt and exhibits -to the eye of the public a yellow or scarlet silk confection which hangs -limp and dejected. Its melancholy flop and want of rustle plainly show -its consciousness of being misunderstood and in a false position. The -irreproachable petticoat, sacred to the eminently respectable, is -usually black and of a material of the nature of horsehair. No shop -boasts of it, and it is always pulled out of an ignoble pile when -required, and is quite Spartan in its unadorned simplicity. - -That virtue is best adorned by itself we concede; still virtue is a -little handicapped. I put it to the dramatists: Why not give her better -clothes and let her for once triumph in the second act? The dramatists, -inspired photographers of manners though they are, have a great deal to -answer for! At best they give her a white dress, a blue sash, ankle-ties -and no conversation. One asks how is she to compete with a stately -creature with dramatic red hair and that sinuous and glittering costume -fraught with tragic situations? What a fatal contrast when studied by -the youth of our land who have been taught to regard the stage as an -educator! - -The stage is conceded to be a great educational and moral force, and yet -I beg of those excellent gentlemen who provide the lessons that the -stage so eloquently recites not to lavish on the lady in question that -bewildering wardrobe which must give her a sense of peace and calm -security that even a good conscience cannot bestow. For once put her -into a bargain coat and skirt left over from a sale at Tooting, adorn -her with a tam o'shanter, the kind with a quill that sticks out in -front, and put on her feet the boots of a perfect propriety, always -short and broad, then see if the pit will adore her! - -No, the pit will not adore her at all, for say what you will, it is the -clothes that sway the earnest and indiscriminating lover of the drama. -For once put virtue in a gossamer _peignoir_, the clinging, fascinating -kind, and slip her number six feet into a number three satin slipper, -and how the pit will rise at her as one man, as they have never done -before, and take her to their hearts, for human nature is as yielding as -putty to grief that wears nice clothes and is well scrubbed. -Unfortunately the world is full of undramatic tragedies that are all the -more tragic because of a dire need of soap and water. - -As the educator of a public swayed by the eloquence of a slipper and -moved to tears by the pathos of a petticoat, one can but beg and implore -our dramatists, even at the risk of making their dramas less thrilling, -to give virtue a tiny bit of a chance--for a change. - - - - -_On Taking Oneself Seriously_ - - -Never has mediocrity been so triumphantly successful as now, and that is -the reason we take ourselves so seriously. Never before has it attained -such a high level of excellence, and if, for that reason, we miss those -grand and lonely peaks that represent the supreme glory of the past, we -can at least cheer ourselves by the comfortable reflection that we are -each a glorious little peak. That being conceded it goes without saying -that, occupied as we are with ourselves, we really have too much to do -to bother about the greatness of our friends. - -In the past the great man was surrounded by a band of ardent worshippers -who circled about him and trumpeted forth his praise. In these -degenerate days if there is a great man, he is not surrounded by -satellites, for the satellites are practically employed circling about -themselves. So the great man girds up his loins and wisely proclaims his -own greatness. - -Then, too, it is a bother to chant another man's praises if you are -quite convinced, and you are probably right, that he is no greater than -you are, so you abstain from the folly of it and devote all your -energies to blowing your own little trumpet with seraphic vigour. In the -past the little bands of ardent worshippers were quite disinterested, a -merit to which the occasional ardent worshipper of the present cannot -always lay claim. Our modern attitude is one of doubt, and so when we -hear a pæan of praise we close one eye and ask "Why?" The fact is we -decline to take anyone else seriously, but we make up for that by taking -ourselves with redoubled seriousness. In previous ages there were no -newspapers who took upon themselves the role of Fame, poising aloft a -laurel wreath ready to drop it on the head of the best-advertised -genius. In those blissful days, so little appreciated now, when the -world could neither read nor write, hero worship was so popular that the -lauded one found it unnecessary to take himself too seriously, for -others kindly did it for him. - -This is undoubtedly an age of emphasis and capitals. If you don't see -the capitals in print you are sure to see them in the attitude. Woman, -Millionaire, Poet, Statesman, Composer, Dramatist, Novelist, Artist--to -mention only a few--may not be spelled with a capital, but one never has -the honour of meeting any of these worthy people without recognising the -capital in their haughty intercourse with their fellow men. - -Possibly it even permeates the lower strata of society, but one can only -judge by the experience that comes in one's modest way. The gentlemen, -who are at this moment shovelling in our winter coal, may take -themselves seriously. Possibly the one with the coal-sack lightly twined -across his shoulders has his own opinion as to the superior way in which -he shovels the coal down the hole. It is more than probable that the -plumber who came this morning to screw up a leaking tap takes himself -seriously. I think he does for he left a small boy and his tools to -remind me of him, and he has proudly retired from the scene. Still I -really think that the disorder generally attacks those who work with -what "the reverend gentleman is pleased to call his mind," and it is -most fatal where, besides dollars and cents, the sufferer demands the -tribute of instant applause. - -Supposing the greatest singer in the world were to sing to stolid faces -and dead silence and were to receive no applause for two or three years; -her attitude towards the public would become one of praiseworthy -modesty. It is this frantic, ill-considered admiration which gives the -good lady such a mistaken sense of her own importance. - -If the last work of the last great mediocrity in the way of novelists -were to be ignored, and only reviewed a couple of years after its -publication, many an estimable gentleman and lady would step down from -their pedestal and walk quite modestly on a level with their fellow -beings. - -If the poets received their meed of praise long after they were nicely -buried instead of at afternoon teas, they would write better, indeed -they would. Weak tea praise has never been good for the mental stamina, -and it is awfully misleading. Because a gushing thing with an ardent eye -protests over a tea-cup that your poems are the most beautiful poems -she has ever read, it is not necessary to believe her. Do not on the -strength of that go home and snub your old mother who, to her sorrow, -has been educated to believe that among her goslings she has hatched a -swan. Gosling or swan in these days at best you can reach no higher -altitude than to be called a minor poet. - -One wonders who was the first reviewing misanthrope who called the -modern singers "minor poets"? Why should that branch of the writing Art -have evoked his particular animosity? Do we say minor historian, minor -novelist, minor painter, minor composer? Why should we belittle an -artist who may be infinitely greater than all these, and damn his art -with an adjective? It is not for us to judge if a poet be minor or -major. That is usually the business of the future, and there is no -prophet among us able to prophesy which of our poets will join the -immortals. Thank Heaven, advertising is only a temporary product, and -has no influence on immortality. - -The misfortune of our age is that the tools for the divine arts have -became so cheap and handy. Literature, especially, is at the mercy of -every irresponsible infant with ambition and a penny to spare. Why, the -snub-nosed board-school youngster down there skipping joyfully along the -gutter has a sheet of paper and a lead-pencil, the excellence of which -were beyond the imagination of Shakespeare. It is this cheap and fatal -luxury which makes such triumphant mediocrity and so little greatness, -and it is the fault of the newspapers, the publishers, too much -education, and afternoon teas. May they all be forgiven! - -The truth is the poets should not be published, nor should the -newspapers be permitted to crown the singer with a laurel-wreath still -dripping with printers' ink. The poet should be handed down as was old -Homer and sung in the market place; if then in the future there is -enough of him left to be considered at all, let him then be considered -seriously, but let him not, O let him not, do it for himself -prematurely, for fear. Remember the famous and classic tragedy of Humpty -Dumpty who sat on a wall. - -Once I came upon an editor--a great editor!--who in a moment of frenzy -was sincere. I was looking respectfully at that tomb of fame, his -wastepaper basket. - -"Did you pass a fellow going down?" and he threw a scowl after the -departed one. "That is Jones." He really didn't say Jones, but he -mentioned a name so famous in literature that the tramcars proclaim it -along with the best brands of whiskies, soap, corsets, and sapolio, and -it adorns sandwich men in the gutter by the dozens; hoardings bellow it -forth silently, and the newspapers devote pages to it as if it were the -greatest thing in patent medicine. - -"I made him," and the editor thumped his sacred desk. "I boomed him and -I printed his first confounded rot," and he strode up and down the room -with a full head of steam on. - -"I've always said it is the advertising that does it, not the stuff one -advertises. Proved it, too, and then sat back and watched their heads -swell. He is the last. A year ago he sat in that very chair and gurgled -obsequious thanks. Last week we invited him to dinner and he forgot to -come. To-day he came in just to say if I don't pay him just double the -rate I've been giving him he'll take his stuff to the "Rocket," for the -"Rocket" editor has made him an offer. And this to me who boomed him and -made him out of nothing. O, by Jove!" - -"That is only the artistic temperament," I said soothingly. - -"Artistic temperament! There is no such thing. It's only another name -for d----d bad manners and a swelled head." - -I was greatly interested in this artless definition of the artistic -temperament, and I went off deeply pondering as to what constitutes a -swelled head. - -Now swelled head and taking yourself seriously are much the same, only -that swelled heads are common in all grades of society. I once had a -butcher who had it, being convinced that he was most beautiful to look -upon. He used to put a great deal of his stock-in-trade on his curling -brown locks. He was not a bit proud of the inside of his head, to do him -justice, but he was so absolutely sure of the effect of his shiny hair, -his big black moustache, his red cheeks and his round brown eyes. - -He was a very happy man. Now you may take yourself seriously, but in a -crevice of your mind you can still have the ghost of a doubt. But a -swelled head never has a doubt. I have been told by those who have had -an opportunity of studying, that swelled heads are not uncommon among -shop-walkers, literary people, butlers and members of Parliament, and -that musicians even are not all as great as they think they are. The -last fiddler I had the joy of hearing scratched with so much temperament -and so out of tune! What a mercy it is that so many people do not know a -false note when they hear it! - -It has even been whispered that some painters who paint very great -pictures (in size) are really not so wonderful as they think they are. -But if anyone is excusable for a too benevolent opinion of himself it is -surely a painter who stands before an acre of canvas, and squeezes a -thousand dear little tubes, and daubs away and has the result hung on -the line. Then we go to the private view, turn our backs on it and say, -"Isn't it sublime--did you ever!" Ah, me, it is no use being modest in -this world! - -Take yourself seriously, and clap on a swelled head and you will impress -all such as have time to attend to you. Have we not come across the -pretty third-rate actress who puts on the airs of the great, and refers -to her wooden impersonations as "Art"? O art, art, what sins have been -committed in thy name! Have we not met the pet of the papers, the -celebrated lady novelist? How did she get her exalted position? Goodness -knows! She sweeps through society with superb assurance, and she is -really so rude at afternoon teas that that alone proves how great she -is; she only relents when she meets editors and reviewers. She coos at -them, and well she may for she is crowned with the laurel-wreath of the -best up-to-date advertising. - -Once I met a little politician who thought he was a statesman. A rare -instance of course. Circumstances made me helpless, so to speak, and so -he inflicted on me all the speeches he did not make in the "House." He -gave me to understand that the Chancellor of the Exchequer consulted him -on all intricate matters of finance; that he was in fact the power -behind the throne. Now the truth was, and he knew it, and I knew it, -that his serious work consisted in paying those little tributes his -constituency demanded, to subscribe bravely to drinking fountains, -almshouses, and fairs--the kind with the merry-go-rounds--and, in his -enlightened patriotism, to open bazaars, and also to dance for the good -of his party. His supreme glory was to write M.P. after his name, which -made him much sought after at innocent dinner-parties that aspired to -shine with reflected glory. On such occasions he was often in great form -and delivered extracts from those tremendous speeches he never made. But -everybody was deeply impressed and it was rumoured in the suburbs that -he would certainly be in the next Cabinet. - -If you have a grain of humour you can't take yourself too seriously, for -then you do realise how desperately unimportant you are. The very -greatest are unimportant; what then about the little bits of ones who -constitute the huge majority? Was there ever anyone in the world who was -ever missed except by one or two, and that not because he was great or -even necessary, but only because he was beloved by some longing, aching -heart? The waters of oblivion settle over a memory as quickly as over a -puddle which is disturbed by a pebble thrown by a careless hand. Alas! - -Perhaps the most tremendous instance of the unimportance of the greatest -was Bismarck's discharge by his Emperor, with no more ceremony, indeed -less, than a housewife employs to discharge her cook. The greatest man -of his time, the creator of an empire, the inspirer of a nation! To whom -in his very lifetime statues were erected, north, south, east and west. -To whom the ardent hearts of the young went forth in adoration; whose -possible death could only be reckoned on as a misfortune that would -leave the country in chaos, when that iron hand should drop the reins. -Then one memorable day he dropped the reins, not because death was -greater than he, but simply because a young, untried man wished to do -the driving himself. So he was discharged. What happened? Nothing. Since -then who can believe in the importance of anyone? If the world can do -perfectly well without such a giant, why take yourselves so seriously, -you little second-rate people who have written a little book that is -dead as a door nail in three months, you little second-rate spouters of -talk on the stage, forgotten as soon as the light is turned out, you -little second-rate musicians with your long hair, your bad nerves and -your greed for adulation! Why, there have been greater folks than all of -you put together, and they have been forgotten as a summer breeze is -forgotten. Then what about you? Why even shop-walkers, and butlers and -parlour maids, though undoubtedly very important, should think of -Bismarck and not be so dreadfully haughty! - -Then, too, how many people think themselves great who are only lucky, -vulgarly lucky. There is that solemn puffed-up one! Would he be so -important if he had not married a rich wife who can pay the bills? And -there is that other dull piece of prosperity who owes all his success to -his pretty and clever wife who knows just how to wheedle good things out -of the really great. And yet how seriously he takes himself! There is -the lucky parson who thinks he attracts such shoals of worshippers to -God's house. Why it is not he at all, but a royal princess who has -strayed in and whom the dear, unworldly sheep are following. Yet how -seriously he takes his reverend self! - -There is the great medical light, who, while curing an eminent personage -of nothing in particular, interspersed a few racy anecdotes that made -him roar. No wonder his waiting-room overflows, and that he is called in -consultation all over the land. He is bound to be knighted. Why? -Goodness knows. - -There is the popular M.P. "I am the great I am," he all but says as he -comes in. Once he was a modest man with modest friends, now he thinks he -is a great man, and he wisely turns his back on his modest friends -because he realises that he can serve his country best in the higher -social circles. The first time I ever saw a real live M.P. was in -America, and I held my breath I was so impressed. - -We were even stirred by an Englishman who came over and who only aspired -to be an M.P. He talked of nothing but himself and his political views, -and he used to point out the majesty of his own intellect. That was -possibly the result of the American atmosphere; it is rather given to -that! He is not yet an M.P., and over here he has lucid intervals of -modesty. In a fit of humility a real M.P. once confessed to me that it -would answer all practical purposes if he sent his footman to that -magnificent building on the Thames, where the English legislator covers -his gigantic intellect with that silk hat, which represents nothing if -not perfect propriety. - -One curious phase of taking ourselves so seriously is the enormous -increased importance of the Interesting. Society bristles with the -Interesting. Sometimes one wonders where the uninteresting go? Modern -society demands that you should be something or do something or say -something, or at least pretend to. You elbow your way through the other -struggling mediocrities, and behold you arrive and that proves that you -are interesting, whereupon you are invited to luncheon and dinner and -things to meet the other Interestings. Now I ask, as one perplexed, are -you ever invited to meet the thoroughly uninteresting? And yet don't -the uninteresting want to meet people and eat things? Of course they do, -but the world does not want them at any price! - -Is there, perhaps, a dreary corner of the earth where the uninteresting, -one is not invited to meet, come together, and from this modest refuge -wistfully watch the Interesting asked out to breakfast and other revels? -But, really, have we the courage these days to invite anybody without -asking an "interesting" person to meet them? Have we the moral courage -to invite anyone to meet only--oneself? Of course a stray uninteresting -may wander into the haunts of the other kind. One does sometimes meet a -human being at a terribly intellectual afternoon tea or at a serious -dinner party, whose conversation does not absolutely thrill one's -pulses. - -Fortunately the world's standard of what is interesting varies, or there -would be an appalling monotony in its circles, but it is understood that -you must be celebrated, or notorious, or well advertised or cheeky and -even dishonest, if it is on a magnificent scale. At any rate you must -take yourself seriously and get a swelled head. - -Each Interesting carries about with him his own barrel organ on which he -grinds out his little tune, not always so great a tune as he honestly -thinks, but still it is his very own. You may have all the virtues -enumerated in the dictionary, but if you have not done something, or -said something, or been something, and if you are only a well-meaning, -law-abiding citizen and regularly pay your bills, a humdrum virtue which -the hard-up Interesting occasionally ignores, then you had better give -up and retire to the dull society to which you belong. - -In studying the Interesting, one discovers that they do not always carry -their credentials on the outside. Sometimes, it is humiliating to -confess it, one nearly mistakes them for the other kind; still, it is -always an honour to sit on the outskirts of a Great Mind, and humbly -wonder in what forgotten corner genius has so triumphantly hidden -itself. However, an uninteresting celebrity is quite a different affair -from the uninteresting pure and simple, who are never asked to meet -anybody and certainly not to meals. - -There was once, so we were taught at school, an age of stone and an age -of iron. After much study I have decided that we have arrived at the age -of Lions. Not the four-legged, dangerous kind, but the two-legged ones -who drink tea and nibble biscuits. The analogy is even more solemnly -striking for they both have enormous heads. The lion is evolved from the -Interesting. First you have to be interesting, and then you must -practise roaring, modestly at first, but not too modestly; then louder -and louder until society simply can't ignore you, you make so much -noise, and so you become a lion, and in these days it must be a very -pleasant business to be a lion, the only drawback being that the supply -rather exceeds the demand. However, no matter how excellent a thing is, -there is sure to be some trifling drawback. - -Even when you take yourself seriously the effect you produce if not -irritating is often so delightfully funny! But one ought to be thankful -for that, for the world owes a debt of gratitude even to the -unconscious humourist. It is so much easier to make people cry than to -make them laugh! We are all little ready-made tragedians; do we not come -into the world with a cry? I feel convinced that it is easier to write a -great tragedy than a great comedy. Life's keynote is minor. We can turn -on tears at short notice, but humour is not every man's province. - -"Our customers," the courteous attendant of a circulating library said -to me recently, "don't like funny books and so we don't stock them." -Perhaps for this reason the discouraged humourist in search of -amusement, seizes rejoicing on those refreshing people who take -themselves seriously. It adds indeed the last epicurean touch to his -delight that they don't know how awfully funny they are. - - - - -"_Soft-Soap_" - - -It takes a great deal of heroism to tell an unpleasant truth, but it -takes a great deal more of heroism to hear it. The privilege of telling -an unpleasant truth is strictly confined to one's familiar friends, -one's family, or one's enemies, which is probably the reason that no one -is a hero to any of these, and that he sometimes likes his familiar -friends and his family quite as much as he does his enemies. It is, -after all, an exceptional person who has a great opinion of himself; -even the most conceited has, I feel sure, his quarter hours when he sits -in sackcloth and ashes and contemplates his failures. No one rises -superior to a compliment, and without such and other little amenities of -life how the world's machinery would creak! I admire all those Spartan -souls who declare that they love the truth, and it is humiliating to -confess that I don't love the truth unless it is a pleasant one. - -Everybody is, I do believe, his own best critic, and there is hardly -any thing unpleasant your family can tell you about yourself that you -have not known long before; but it is an added humiliation to see -yourself betrayed to the world. For example, it is the exception for the -creator of any work which is in reality poor, but which the voice of the -people acclaims (and the people are about the poorest critics going), if -he does not realise down in his doubting heart, that his stuff is poor -stuff. It is that which keeps the human balance, or some of our greatest -ones, or rather our noisiest ones, would be inflated to the -danger-point. There is a right standard in every heart, even if warped -by circumstances, and the excuse, "He knew no better," hardly holds good -out of a lunatic asylum. - -It is always our humourists who have tackled truth, and who have shown -with a laugh that touches perilously near a sob (a little way of -humourists!) that a standard of pure unvarnished truth has never been -popular in this erring world; at least not since some of out forefathers -scalped their brother forefathers, and the ladies and gentlemen who -dwelt in caves took their afternoon tea in the shape of a cosy nibble at -the bones of their foes. It is not the bones of our foes we nibble in -these enlightened days! - -It was an immortal humourist who, having discovered that truth is not -what we want,--unless like a pill in sugar,--provided the world with a -substitute--soft-soap. It is really soft-soap which makes social -intercourse so delightfully easy, and we therefore owe our humorous -benefactor a heavy debt of gratitude. - -Nothing is, however, perfect, and if this blessed discovery has one -little defect, it is that, like patent medicine, the more you swallow -the more you want; so it occasionally happens that the great ones of -this world have finally to have it administered in buckets where once -they were grateful for only a sip. - -The philosophic mind will discover that society can be quite simply -divided into two classes,--one soft-soaps and the other permits itself -to be soft-soaped. The humourist who invented the precious substitute -for truth hardly realised the value of what he did; for had he taken -out a patent he would have rivalled in wealth the great Rockefeller -himself, who has been so divinely blessed in that other oily -article--petroleum. - -When soft-soap was invented it was constructed out of the best materials -of insincerity, surface enthusiasm, a touch sometimes of covert satire -(or it would spoil), and just enough truth to mix the ingredients and -make them digest. This is administered in all grades of society with the -greatest success, and of it can be said, in the pathetic words of an -American advertisement of a preparation of medicine not usually popular -with childhood, castor-oil, "Even children cry for it." - -Of the two classes, those who administer and those who swallow this -pleasant mixture, it is needless to say that in the lower class are -those who administer soft-soap. If in course of time the soft-soaper -proves that he is possessed of transcendent abilities he graduates after -hard, hard struggles, resigns his bucket, and proceeds to enjoy the -superior privilege of being soft-soaped in turn; and the curious fact is -that, after having administered it so long, when he comes to taste it -himself he does not recognise the familiar article at all. Of course -there are some soft-soapers who never advance and never aspire. - -As one strolls observingly through society, one discovers it is some -people's mission in life to draw other people out. It is rare to find -two persons talking together who give and take with equal facility, who -contribute equally to the charm and brightness of the occasion. One of -the two is sure to lead the other into those conversational oases where -he loves to gambol--and very hard work it sometimes is! - -Alas! the pioneers who soft-soap are usually women. You dear and -uncomplaining sex, how hard you have to work to be called charming by -that other sex that so greedily laps up the invention of the great -humourist! From artisans of soft-soap you have indeed become artists. To -you we owe those delightful multitudes of spoilt men who sulk or sniff -or shoulder their pretentious way through society. Yes, your product! If -society consisted only of men it would be quite sincere, even if rather -brutal, and as for soft-soap, it wouldn't exist. It would be -interesting to know the sex of that historical serpent in the Garden of -Eden! - -A man, if he ever soft-soaps another man, does it for a definite object -and hardly realises his own insincerity, but a woman--well, it is a -woman's religion to make a man think her charming, and I am -afraid--desperately afraid--that she does this most successfully when -she makes him talk about himself. Women, poor things, are like the -heathen: first they create an idol, sometimes out of very common clay it -is to be feared, and then they proceed to worship it. - -How often does a man turn over in his mind what subject of conversation -the woman will talk about best with whom accident has thrown him, -especially if she be plain and shy? Now, what about women, on the other -hand? Why, a man must be a great idiot indeed if he does not find some -woman to coo little nothings at him; to lead him tenderly out of narrow, -monosyllabic paths into the glowing buttercup and dandelion fields of -conversation where he can gambol joyfully. "I came out strong, by -Jove!" he congratulates himself proudly as they separate, and the goose -never realises, as he supports himself against his usual wall and stares -vacantly at the crowd, that the beguiling young thing, who smiled up at -him like a rising sun, laboured with him with an energy which would have -appalled a coal-heaver. Now, would a man fatigue himself as much to -chatter with an empty-headed unattractive girl? Hand on heart, -gentlemen, confess! - -It was Thackeray who said that any woman not disfigured with a hump -might marry any man. It is presumption to contradict the immortal -master, but I don't believe it. Rather do I believe the words of wisdom -of our old family cook. She finished a dissertation on matrimony with -the following profound reflections:-- - -"Women ain't so particular as men. There ain't a man but'll find some -woman to have him! If every woman could get a man there wouldn't be so -many old maids. Down to our village there was a man who hadn't any arms -or legs, but goodness me! even he got a wife. She came to call with him -one day, and she'd fixed up a soap-box on wheels and was drawing him -along as comfy as you please, and she never made a cent out of him, for -he wa'ant a freak. Now I'd just like to see a man up and do that for a -woman, I guess! No, women ain't so particular." - -Surely it holds good in society. If we don't drag around a gentleman -without the usual complement of arms and legs, we more often than not -support a gentleman without brains or manners, and we make him more -insufferable than he naturally is by giving him a false valuation, in -which he proceeds at once to believe, because, if there is one thing the -stupidest man can do, it is, he can get conceited. Indeed the weaker sex -has much to answer for, for she has created the twentieth century man, -who would be a dear if only the women would leave him alone. - -However, it is not only men women soft-soap--they soft-soap each other -as well. The motives are twofold. Sometimes the wielder of the bucket -has an axe to grind, or she likes to be popular at a cheap price. She -always says something agreeable, and it is indeed a steel-clad heart -that can resist. How feel anything but friendly when a dear feminine -gusher declares that you have the loveliest clothes, the most wonderful -brains, the brightest eyes, the most agreeable husband, and the best -cook in the world! The chances are that you hated her as she swam up and -favoured your unyielding hand with cordial pumping; but she thought--no, -she didn't think, the process is automatic, she merely dropped a penny -in the slot of your evident antagonism on the chance of its possibly -resulting in a cool invitation to call, a crush tea or a lunch: nothing -is to be despised, for you never can tell! - -When a woman decides to say something real nice she stops at nothing. -She even sacrifices her nearest and dearest. - -"How is that handsome, brilliant boy of yours?" a devoted mother asked -me the other day. "How I wish my Jack were like him! But he's only just -a dear, good, ordinary boy who'll never set the Thames on fire; well, we -can't all be the mother of a genius!" Now, could one do anything else -than invite that truly discriminating woman to lunch? - -As I said before, it is some people's mission to draw others out. Some -take everything hard, among other things, society. They hate to be among -their kind, but they hate just as much the dignity of solitude; so they -compromise matters by going about as dull and dreary as graven images, -surrounded by a private atmosphere of frost. Then there are the -adaptable ones who talk and laugh, while down in their souls they are -bored to death. But never mind about being bored, the crime is to look -bored. Adaptability is distinctly not an English national trait, rather -is it American, the race made up of all races, and for this reason -American society is, even if only on the surface,--and who in society -ever gets below the surface?--more amusing than English society. - -Oh, the heavenly rest and comfort when you pause exhausted after having -pumped at a perfectly empty human being to find the process applied to -yourself, and after all you _do_ respond. - -I was struck by it the other day when, in a roomful of English people -who had been talked to and trotted out and made to show their best paces -each in his own little field, there came to the charming, but -exhausted, hostess a Frenchman who proceeded to draw her out. The sweet -restfulness of it! She had not to originate a single idea, and I am -perfectly sure that every other man in the room was holding forth on -some subject originated by the woman he was talking to; he was likely to -talk till he had run down, and then she would have to wind him up with a -new subject. If she didn't he would go away and leave her mortified and -alone, and a woman can stand being bored, but she cannot stand looking -deserted. A lovely woman told me all about it once. - -"The reason I am so popular," she said frankly, "is because I flatter -the men to the top of their bent. Vanity and love make the world go -round,--vanity first and love a long way after. Nothing else. - -"Tell a woman she is perfect and she doubts you--sometimes. But tell a -man that (one can in all sorts of ways), why, he only thinks it is his -due--possibly he will think you are clever. Most men are stupid--I don't -mean their working brains, their bread-and-butter brains, but their -society brains. They swallow anything you tell them. They originate -everything in this blessed world--but conversation. - -"If a man converses he discourses and he improves your mind. Now you -don't always want to have your mind improved! I don't say he doesn't -know how to make love; but that doesn't count, for after all, making -love is, often as not, silence _à deux_. So if he isn't improving your -mind or making love he is stranded, and that is where we women come in. - -"I don't want my mind improved at an afternoon tea, nor do I wish to be -made love to over an uninspiring biscuit, and I should feel eternally -disgraced if either of us looked bored; so I give him leading questions -like sugar-plums, and while he nibbles away at each in turn till he has -sucked it up, I have learnt to look at him with all my eyes--a kind of -subdued rapture which I adjust according to the man, and then I detach -my mind and consider what the clever stupid can talk about next. - -"It isn't necessary to do anything but to smile, especially if you have -nice teeth, as he does all the talking; but he'll think you are the -cleverest woman going. Possibly you are, only he doesn't really know -how clever you are! There are some women you have to treat in the same -way, and they are either very distinguished and spoilt or they are very -influential, or they have missions; but it's always a bore, and unless -you are 'on the make'--a very ill-bred expression, I think--it's -tiresome and doesn't pay. I don't mind being bored for the sake of a -man, but I really won't be bored for the sake of a woman. - -"But, my dear, it is very fatiguing at best, and no wonder the women -crowd into retreats and nervine asylums. It isn't the pace that kills, -but the unearthly dulness. After I have talked to half a dozen men for -whom I make conversation I go home to bed, and the vitality I have left -wouldn't be enough for an able-bodied worm. - -"Do I ever find a man who is interested in me if he is not in love with -me? Never! If he is in love with me; yes! That's another story. Then -everything about me interests him, but, perhaps, even then only because -I am his temporary ideal. I daresay it's only another form of -selfishness, bless him! The stupidity of men! That's the reason they -are so fatuous; they don't understand! - -"Find me the man who isn't under the impression that some woman is -hopelessly in love with him; and only because she has taken such pains -to smile and coo at him, which she generally does to keep her hand in; -any man is to her an instrument on which she, as an artist, finds it -serviceable to play a few scales. To call men the ruling sex,"--and my -friend laughed till I saw every one of her beautiful teeth,--"they are -the ruled sex, and they get married by the women who want them most." - -She evidently agreed with Thackeray. I don't, as I explained before. - -"My dear, how many an innocent young thing has said 'Yes' when 'he' has -had no earthly intention of asking for anything--certainly not for her -dear little hand. - -"'May I?' was possibly all he said, but he looked three thrilling -volumes. 'Yes,' she whispered innocently, 'but do first ask papa.' How -can he explain to her that the question trembling on his lips was -whether he should bring her a lemon-squash or a strawberry-ice. He asked -papa and they lived happily ever after, and it answered just as well. -Now what I wonder is," she concluded, "which is the stupider--he or -she?" - -One hasn't time to soft-soap one's relatives. For its successful use -there is required a certain exhilaration of spirits which familiarity -does not encourage. It is more easy to be charming to one's -acquaintances or intimate enemies than to the bosom of one's family. One -can be kinder to one's own, but more charming to the outside world, -alas! - -A woman doesn't go on for ever coquetting with her husband--it is a -pity, but it's true. Perhaps if it were less true there would be fewer -divorces. When, in the happy past, your husband was your lover and he -looked at you with adoring eyes, why, then you could be charming,--at -least for a few hours, because to be charming longer gets on one's -nerves. Later, when you are married and he won't get up in the morning, -and you say to him severely, "Samuel, are you never going to get up? -It's nine o'clock, and cook says she'll give notice, for she can't and -she won't live in such a late family," and your Samuel grunts, turns -over, and hurriedly takes forty more winks, how can you possibly be -charming just then? - -Nor can you murmur to your Samuel that he is the most interesting man -you ever met, and that his brain is superior to all other brains. He -doesn't care a rap what you think about his brains, and he'd much rather -you wouldn't bother him but go downstairs; and so you do go downstairs -in that very unbecoming frock of your pre-married days in which you -wouldn't have had him see you for worlds. But now it has come again to -the fore, ever since the time Samuel said pleasantly--he certainly has -no talent for soft-soap--that after people have been married a year -neither knows how the other looks. This from your Samuel, for whose sake -you ran up an awful dressmaker's bill in other days. So you unearth your -hideous frock with a desperate sigh. - -But you always know how your Samuel looks, and when he wears an -unbecoming necktie you grieve and nag and give him no peace. Perhaps it -were well, after all, if a bit of soft-soap could be bottled up during -courting-time and labelled "To be used after marriage." - -When men soft-soap men it is in devious ways. One of the most subtle, if -you are a little man and you wish to flatter a great man, is to disagree -with him. He is much impressed by your independence, and he is sorry for -you too, because you own up to your awful presumption, and by inference -you can soft-soap him up and down just as they whitewash a wooden fence. -And he says he likes your independence, and he shakes hands with you and -knows you the next time you meet, and calls you "My independent young -friend," and invites you to luncheon. Now, had you agreed with every -word he said you would have been only one of the usual job-lot of -admirers, and he wouldn't have remembered you from Adam. - -Of course you have to administer disagreement with great caution, -because when a man reaches the highest eminence there is nothing that -makes him so mad as contradiction. The first sign of real greatness -shows itself when you decline to be contradicted. If, as it is stated, -Lord Beaconsfield never contradicted his Queen, then did he well -deserve her most loyal friendship. The bliss of never being -contradicted! for that alone it is worth being a queen; but of course -that is essentially a royal prerogative. It is said that there are -people who by the exercise of this great negative gift have worked their -way up from being quite modest members of society until they are now -shining social lights. - -Tell a man how great he is and will he come to tea? for there are crowds -dying to meet him; why, of course he will come. Who has ever yet met a -really celebrated recluse. One has heaps of recluses who professed to -like solitude, but only in a crowd, but there was never one, however -famous, who chose to exile himself in a desert island without the -morning paper. - -It is said of a famous poet, whose footsteps were much dogged by the -enterprising tourist, that he complained bitterly and wrathfully of his -inability to have even his own privacy; but that his bitterness and -wrath were as nothing to what he felt when the blameless tripper was -discovered to be paying no attention to him whatever. One wonders if -this innocent form of soft-soap is out of fashion, or are the poets less -great? How many pious pilgrims wandered to the old Colonial house in -Cambridge, America, where Longfellow lived, and looked with awe at his -front windows. Did not pilgrims by the car-load go to Concord to catch a -glimpse of the great Emerson, while they leaned reverently across the -philosopher's white picket-fence? - -The poets of the past were accustomed to this innocent worship; what -about the poets of to-day? Do they also walk along the streets haughtily -(like the illustrious Mr. and Mrs. Crummles) whilst admiring passers-by -stop and say with bated breath, "This is the great Smith!" or is that -involuntary form of flattery out of fashion, or haven't the new poets -grown up yet? - -Perhaps an ardent admirer might suggest Miss Marie Corelli as one to -whom the twentieth century pilgrim makes pilgrimages; but that isn't -fair, for how can any one distinguish her pilgrims from Shakespeare's -pilgrims? Pilgrims are not labelled like trunks. One hardly ventures to -say so, but it seems to me that in this Miss Corelli has taken an -unfair advantage of Shakespeare and the other poets. - -There is nothing so democratic as true greatness, and this is a -democratic age, and everybody exhibits to the public. We are either a -great orator or we loop the loop, or we are a transcendent poet, or we -walk from Cheapside to the Marble Arch on a wager. But do we do all -these great things alone, unseen or unheard of by the world? No, we -don't! Not a bit of it! It is not praise we want--we want more. We -clamour for soft-soap; we demand it at the point of the bayonet. - -It is an age of coarse effects, an age of advertisement. A poet could -not conscientiously sing now about a rose left to bloom unseen, for -excursion trains would be sure to be arranged there at reduced rates. It -is a confidential age, and we demand a confidant as much as a matter of -course as the heroine of the old-fashioned Italian opera,--in fact we -demand the undivided attention of the whole world. - -We sing our songs and listen greedily for the applause of the gallery; -we meet with domestic misfortune, and we weep on the bosom of the -divorce court, and the daily papers weep with us. We do not do good by -stealth, but rather in such a way that we get a baronetcy or a -decoration; so when you see a man all tinkley with little stars and -things, you will know that he is always a very great and charitable man -indeed, and charity is not only alms bestowed on the poor. It is the -beauty of charity that it is not bigoted. - -We put our breaking hearts under a microscope and make "copy" out of -them and money and notoriety,--and notoriety in these days pays much -better than mere celebrity, and what therefore so fitting a tribute to -notoriety as soft-soap? Ah me! it is enough to make the cat laugh! I -really have never understood this curious fact in natural history, -though I know how hard it is to make a cat laugh; this whole morning I -spent trying to make Mr. Boxer laugh (Mr. Boxer being the purry -commander-in-chief of our mouse-holes), and did not succeed. - -Our modern world is a hippodrome, and we demand hippodrome effects and -thunders of applause, because ordinary applause cannot be heard. Watch -the next painted face you see, and observe how familiarity with the -process has coarsened it. Not that one has any objection to paint if it -is well done. It is a woman's duty to look her best; and if paint makes -her more beautiful, let her put it on--but, one does implore, not with -the trowel. - -The other night there was a great unbecoming function, but then all -great functions are unbecoming by reason of the presence of woman's -arch-enemy--electricity. It is quite certain that the first electrician -was not only deplorably ignorant of the social virtues of soft-soap, but -he was, besides, a jilted and misanthropic old bachelor who avenged his -wrongs by harnessing electricity to a lamp, and cynically rejoiced when, -for the first time, he turned its cruel light on the wrinkles, the -hair-dye, and the dull jaded eyes of Society, and changed the pink of -art into an unconvincing blue. - -It was on that same occasion that I became deeply impressed by the tiara -of Great Britain, which, it appears, is a National Institution, worn by -the Aged instead of caps, only caps are much more comfortable. I also -discovered that it need have nothing in common with the rest of the -toilet; at any rate one worthy lady so adorned had a little -breakfast-shawl about her shoulders. - -If it is true that the ladies of the United States have recently plucked -up enough courage to adopt the tiara of Great Britain, and should any -one perhaps insinuate that this is inconsistent with austere republican -principles, a sufficient and crushing reply is that in America every -woman is a "lady," and every "lady" is a queen. - -To return to her of the tiara and the breakfast-shawl. One did wonder -what illusion she laboured under when she fastened that diamond -structure to the thin bandeaux of her faded hair, where it swayed -insecurely. Did some one send the poor soul away from home and tell her -she looked lovely, and as she trundled off in her brougham did fifty -years slide temporarily from her old shoulders? After all, soft-soap has -its virtues; it is just the thing for the aged! - -What are illusions but soft-soap self-administered, and what would life -be without illusions? Show me the heroic soul who can look into a -mirror and who sees what she really sees! O self-administered soft-soap! -what does she really see? - -Upon my word, I have come to the conclusion that a certain measure of -soft-soap is not only a social necessity, it is more, it is a social -duty; only one would like to offer a plea, just a little plea, for a -fair division of labour! It is _so_ hard always to say delightful -things, especially if you don't mean them! It is being a thirsty -Ganymede at the feast of the gods. - -O, great humourist of soft-soap, you made two mistakes when you invented -your wonderful lubricator of social intercourse; not only, like patent -medicine, does the dose require to be constantly increased, but you -forgot to insist on what is most vital--a periodic change of parts. - -My plea is that the soft-soaped one should occasionally be obliged to -step down from his pedestal and turn his own insincere admiration, his -surface enthusiasm, and the countless and well-meant lies with which he -helps to make the existence of the soft-soaped so pleasant, upon that -unwearied and energetic prevaricator, whose mission it is to praise, no -matter how untruthfully. - -Yes, even "little tin gods on wheels" should be made to step down from -high Olympus and, in turn, serve their thirsting and patient Ganymede. - - * * * * * - -KITWYK - -BY MRS. JOHN LANE - -With numerous illustrations by Albert Sterner, Howard Pyle, and George -Wharton Edwards. - - -_SOME PRESS OPINIONS_ - -"Mrs. Lane has succeeded to admiration, and chiefly by reason of being -so much interested in her theme herself that she makes no conscious -effort to please. She just tells her tales with no more artifice than -one might use in narrative by word of mouth, and she keeps the reader's -interest as keenly alive as if he were really listening to an amusing -story of what had once actually happened. Every one who seeks to be -diverted will read 'Kitwyk' for its obvious qualities of -entertainment."--_Times._ - -"Dip where one will into her startling pages one is certain to find -entertainment, and the charm is much assisted by the delightful -illustrations."--_Daily Telegraph._ - -"'Kitwyk' is destined to be in fiction what an old Dutch master painter -is in painting--a work at once typical of kind, unique of entity. The -design of this charming book is original. All the people are alive in -the not wonderful but strangely engrossing story, which is so comical -and pathetic, so quaint and 'racy of the soil,' so wide in sympathy, so -narrow of stage. All the drawings are excellent."--_World._ - -"Very charming. Admirers will say, not without reason, that 'Kitwyk' -recalls 'Cranford.'"--_Standard._ - -"A charming book; resting to read. It has style, and is written with a -whimsical humour which gives it distinction."--_Westminster Gazette._ - -"There is delicious humor, not only of incident, but of phrase and -expression. We should be glad of a second series."--_Literary World._ - -"'Kitwyk' is the daintiest morsel of idyllic fiction we have had since -Mr. Barrie opened that wonderful window in 'Thrums.' Few books are so -exquisitely wrought; so cunningly polished."--_Mr. James Douglas in The -Star._ - -"The Dutch kingdom is enchanting, and Mrs. John Lane's charming book -will help to make the fact more widely known."--_Gentlewoman._ - -"We have only faintly indicated what a vein of jest and humour Mrs. John -Lane possesses."--_The Echo._ - -"This is a most graceful and altogether charming Dutch version of Auld -Licht Idylls. If such a village and such people, and such quaint causes -of laughter and of tears do indeed exist, then Kitwyk were well worth -visiting, but the next best thing is to read Mrs. John Lane's prettily -bound and illustrated little volume."--_Scotsman._ - - * * * * * - -PETERKINS: - -THE STORY OF A DOG - -Translated from the German of Ossip Schubin - -by MRS. JOHN LANE - -With numerous illustrations by T. COTTINGTON TAYLOR and DONALD MAXWELL - - - -***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CHAMPAGNE STANDARD*** - - -******* This file should be named 41820-8.txt or 41820-8.zip ******* - - -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: -http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/4/1/8/2/41820 - - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, -set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to -copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to -protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project -Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you -charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you -do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the -rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose -such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and -research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do -practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is -subject to the trademark license, especially commercial -redistribution. - - - -*** START: FULL LICENSE *** - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project -Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at - www.gutenberg.org/license. - - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy -all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. -If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the -terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or -entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement -and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" -or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the -collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an -individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are -located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from -copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative -works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg -are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project -Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by -freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of -this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with -the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by -keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project -Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in -a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check -the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement -before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or -creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project -Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning -the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United -States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate -access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently -whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, -copied or distributed: - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived -from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is -posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied -and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees -or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work -with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the -work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 -through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the -Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or -1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional -terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked -to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the -permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any -word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or -distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than -"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version -posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), -you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a -copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon -request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other -form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided -that - -- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is - owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he - has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the - Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments - must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you - prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax - returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and - sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the - address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to - the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." - -- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or - destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium - and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of - Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any - money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days - of receipt of the work. - -- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set -forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from -both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael -Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the -Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm -collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain -"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or -corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual -property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a -computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by -your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with -your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with -the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a -refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity -providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to -receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy -is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further -opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER -WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO -WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. -If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the -law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be -interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by -the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any -provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance -with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, -promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, -harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, -that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do -or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm -work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any -Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. - - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers -including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists -because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from -people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. -To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation -and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 -and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org - - -Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive -Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent -permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. -Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered -throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 -North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email -contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the -Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact - -For additional contact information: - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To -SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any -particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. -To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate - - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. - -Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm -concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared -with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project -Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. -unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |