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diff --git a/41732.txt b/41732.txt deleted file mode 100644 index c26661e..0000000 --- a/41732.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,10987 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook, Scotch Wit and Humor, by W. H. (Walter Henry) -Howe - - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - - - - -Title: Scotch Wit and Humor - - -Author: W. H. (Walter Henry) Howe - - - -Release Date: December 29, 2012 [eBook #41732] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) - - -***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SCOTCH WIT AND HUMOR*** - - -E-text prepared by Margo Romberg, sp1nd, and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made -available by Internet Archive (http://archive.org) - - - -Note: Images of the original pages are available through - Internet Archive. See - http://archive.org/details/scotchwithumorcl00howe - - -Transcriber's note: - - Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_). - - Text enclosed by equal signs is in bold face (=bold=). - - - - - -[Illustration: portrait] - - -SCOTCH WIT AND HUMOR - -Classified Under Appropriate Subject -Headings, with, in Many Cases, a -Reference to a Table of Authors - - - - - - - -Philadelphia -George W. Jacobs & Co. -103-105 S. Fifteenth Street - -Copyright, 1898, by -George W. Jacobs & Co. - - - - -Preface - - -_Scotch Wit and Humor_ is a fairly representative collection of the type -of wit and humor which is at home north of the Tweed--and almost -everywhere else--for are not Scotchmen to be found everywhere? To say -that wit and humor is not a native of Scotch human nature is to share -the responsibility for an inaccuracy the author of which must have been -as unobservant as those who repeat it. It is quite true that the humor -is not always or generally on the surface--what treasure is?--and it may -be true, too, that the thrifty habits of our northern friends, combined -with the earnestness produced by their religious history, have brought -to the surface the seriousness--amounting sometimes almost to -heaviness--which is their most apparent characteristic. But under the -surface will be found a rich vein of generosity, and a fund of humor, -which soon cure a stranger--if he has eyes to see and is capable of -appreciation--of the common error of supposing that Scotchmen are either -stingy or stupid. - -True, there may be the absence of the brilliancy which characterizes -much of the English wit and humor, and of the inexpressible quality -which is contained in Hibernian fun; but for point of neatness one may -look far before discovering anything to surpass the shrewdness and -playfulness to be found in the Scotch race. In fact, if Scotland had no -wit and humor she would have been incapable of furnishing a man who -employed such methods in construction as were introduced by the engineer -of the Forth Bridge. - - W. H. HOWE. - - - - -Contents - - - Page - -A Badly Arranged Prayer 108 - -A Beadle Magnifying his Office 26 - -A Board-School Examiner Floored 143 - -A Bookseller's Knowledge of Books 181 - -"A Call to a Wider Sphere" 99 - -A Canny Witness 112 - -A Case in which Comparisons were Odious 76 - -A Castle Stor(e)y 119 - -A Churl Congratulated 165 - -A Clever "Turn" 161 - -A Comfortable Preacher 111 - -A Compensation Balance 180 - -A Compliment by Return 68 - -A Conditional Promise 87 - -A Consistent Seceder 159 - -A Consoling "If" 43 - -A Critic on His Own Criticism 124 - -"A Cross-examiner Answered" 13 - -A Crushing Argument against MS Sermons 176 - -A Curiously Unfortunate Coincidence in Psalm Singing 164 - -A Cute Gaoler 212 - -A Cute Way of Getting an Old Account 88 - -A Definition of Baptism 129 - -A Definition of "Fou" 59 - -A Descendant of the Stuarts 105 - -A Descriptive Hymn 195 - -A Different Thing Entirely 67 - -A Discerning Fool 199 - -A Drunkard's Thoughts 125 - -A Dry Preacher 120 - -A False Deal 125 - -A Family Likeness 30 - -A Fruitful Field 176 - -A Good Judge of Accent 38 - -A Grammatical Beggar 120 - -A "Grand" Piano 147 - -A "Grave" Hint 173 - -A Harmless Joke 106 - -A Highland Chief and His Doctor 170 - -A Highland Servant Girl and the Kitchen Bell 97 - -A Highland Outburst of Gratitude and an Inburst of Hurricane 66 - -A Highlander on Bagpipes 56 - -A Keen Reproof 134 - -A "Kippered" Divine 105 - -A Law of Nature 199 - -A Leader's Description of His Followers 190 - -A Lecture on Baldness--Curious Results 46 - -A Lesson in Manners 202 - -A Lesson to the Marquis of Lorne 15 - -A Lofty "Style" 126 - -A Lunatic's Advice to Money-Lenders 129 - -A Magnanimous Cobbler 202 - -A Marriage not made in Heaven 210 - -A Matter-of-fact Death Scene 172 - -A Minor Major 88 - -A Misdeal 103 - -A Miserly Professor 46 - -A Modern Dumb Devil (D.D.) 164 - -A Mother's Confidence in Her Son 113 - -A Nest-egg Noo 14 - -A New and Original Scene in "Othello" 178 - -A New Application of "The Argument from Design" 174 - -A New Explanation of an Extra Charge 94 - -A New Story Book--at the Time 150 - -A Night in a Coal Cellar 211 - -A Paradox 200 - -A Patient Lady 140 - -A Piper's Opinion of a Lord--and Himself 163 - -A Poacher's Prayer 205 - -A Poem for the Future 108 - -A Poetical Question and Answer 121 - -A Poor Place for a Cadger 149 - -A Powerful Preacher 79 - -A Practical View of Matrimony 207 - -A Preacher with His Back Towards Heaven 175 - -A Process of Exhaustion 167 - -A Ready Student 73 - -"A Reduction on a Series" 151 - -A Reproof Cleverly Diverted 32 - -A Restful Preacher 139 - -A Sad Drinking Bout 209 - -A Sad Loss 201 - -A Satisfactory Explanation 119 - -A Saving Clause 156 - -A Scathing Scottish Preacher in Finsbury Park 155 - -A Scotch Curtain Lecture on Profit and Pain 59 - -A Scotch Fair Proclamation of Olden Days 153 - -A Scotch Matrimonial Jubilee 125 - -A Scotch "Native" 98 - -A Scotch "Squire" 33 - -A Scotch "Supply" 109 - -A Scotch Version of the Lives of Esau and Jacob 62 - -A Scotch View of Shakespeare 58 - -A Sensible Lass 200 - -A Sensible Servant 202 - -A Serious Dog--and for a Serious Reason 161 - -A Sexton's Criticism 183 - -A Shrewd Reply 83 - -"A Sign of Grace," 103 - -A Spiritual Barometer 174 - -A Stranger in the Court of Session 198 - -A Successful Tradesman 61 - -A Sympathetic Hearer 87 - -A Teetotal Preacher Asks for "A Glass"--and Gets It 107 - -A Test of Literary Appreciation 207 - -A Thoughtless Wish 167 - -A Thrifty Proposal 123 - -A Typical Quarrel 71 - -A Variety Entertainment 194 - -A Vigorous Translation 195 - -A Whole-witted Sermon from a Half-witted Preacher 135 - -A Widow's Promise 117 - -A Wife's Protection 100 - -A "Wigging" 204 - -Absence of Humor--Illustrated 146 - -Absent in Mind, and Body too 208 - -Acts of Parliament "Exhausted" 173 - -Advice on Nursing 124 - -Advice to an M.P. 68 - -"After you, Leddies" 207 - -"'Alice' Brown, the Jaud" 56 - -An Affectionate Aunt 199 - -An Angry Preacher 111 - -An Author and His Printer 134 - -An Earl's Pride and Parsimony 127 - -An Economical Preacher's Bad Memory 92 - -An Epitaph to Order 194 - -An "Exceptional Prayer" 118 - -An Extra Shilling to Avoid a Calamity 206 - -An Idiot's Views of Insanity 113 - -An Instance of Scott's Pleasantry 36 - -An Observant Husband 29 - -An Open Question 102 - -An Out-of-the-way Reproof 119 - -"Another Opportunity" 211 - -Appearing "in Three Pieces" 73 - -"As Guid Deid as Leevin" 58 - -At the End of His Tether 123 - - -Bad Arithmeticians Often Good Bookkeeper 131 - -"Before the Provost" 195 - -Beginning Life where he ought to have Ended, and Vice Versa 86 - -Better than a Countess 114 - -"Bock Again!"--A Prompt Answer 104 - -Bolder than Charles the Bold 137 - -Born Too Late 175 - -Both Short 193 - -Broader Than He Was Long 205 - -"Brothers" in Law 29 - -"Bulls" in Scotland 29 - - -Canny Dogs 68 - -Capital Punishment 35 - -"Capital Punishment"--Modified 90 - -Caring for Their Minister 19 - -Catechising 201 - -Church Economy 60 - -Church Popularity 197 - -Choosing a Minister 77 - -Compensation 84 - -Compulsory Education and a Father's Remedy 34 - -Concentrated Caution 173 - -"Consecrated" Ground 75 - -Consoled by a Relative's Lameness 41 - -Curious Delusion Concerning Light 41 - -Curious Idea of the Evidence for Truth 37 - -Curious Misunderstanding 131 - -Curious Pulpit Notice 141 - -Curious Sentence 42, 68 - -Curious Use of a Word 91 - - -Dead Shot 34 - -Deathbed Humor 172 - -Definition of Metaphysics 131 - -Degrees of Capacity 95 - -Denominational Graves 196 - -Depression--Delight--Despair 126 - -"Discretion--the Better Part of Valor" 51 - -Disqualified to be a Country Preacher 122 - -Distributing His Praises with Discernment 22 - -Disturbed Devotions 110 - -Domestics in By-gone Days 102 - -Double Meanings 17 - -Drawing an Inference 182 - -Drinking by Candle-light 121 - -Driving the Deevil Oot 70 - -Droll Solemnity 93 - -Drunken Wit 117 - -Dry Weather, and Its Effect on the Ocean 37 - - -Earning His Dismissal 57 - -"Eating Among the Brutes" 110 - -"Effectual Calling" 142 - -Either Too Fast or Too Slow 97 - -English versus Scotch Sheep's Heads 33 - -Entrance Free, and "Everything Found" 161 - -Escaping Punishment 196 - -"Every Man to His Own Trade" 73 - -Extraordinary Absence of Mind 104 - - -"Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady" 63 - -Faring Alike 102 - -Fetching His "Character" 96 - -Finding Work for His Class, While He Dined 91 - -Fool Finding 75 - -Forcing a Judge to Obey the Law 132 - -"Fou--Aince" 181 - -Fowls and Ducks! 84 - -From Different Points of View 74 - -From Pugilism to Pulpit 158 - - -"Gathering Up the Fragments" 169 - -Ginger Ale 87 - -Giving Them the Length of His Tongue 166 - -Going to Ramoth Gilead 182 - -Going to the Doctor's and "Taking" Something 76 - -Good Enough to Give Away 120 - -Good "for Nothing"--Not the Goodness Worth Having 78 - -"Grace" With No Meat After 142 - -Gratifying Industry! 203 - -Grim Humor 122 - - -Ham and Cheese 150 - -Happy Escape from an Angry Mob 43 - -"Haste" and "Leisure" 111 - -"Haudin' His Stick" 38 - -"Having the Advantage" 166 - -"Hearers Only--Not Doers" 88 - -Heaven Before it Was Wanted 41 - -Helping Business 48 - -Highland Happiness 18 - -Highland Simplicity 85 - -Highland Warldliness 200 - -His Own, with "Interest" 193 - -His Word and His Bond Equally Binding 131 - -Holding a Candle to the Sun 124 - -Honest Johnny M'Cree 40 - -How Greyhounds are Produced 203 - -How to Exterminate Old Thieves 86 - -How to Treat a Surplus 89 - -Husband! Husband! Cease Your Strife! 154 - -Hume Canonized 160 - - -Inconsistencies of "God's People" 151 - -Indiscriminate Humor 39 - -Ingenious Remedy for Ignorance 200 - -"Invisible and Incomprehensible" 96 - -It Takes Two to Fight 190 - -It's a Gran' Nicht 55 - - -"Kaming" Her Ain Head 171 - -Keeping His Threat--at His Own Expense 145 - -"Knowledge--It Shall Vanish Away" 106 - -Knox and Claverhouse 153 - - -Landseer's Deadly Influence 89 - -Laughing in the Pulpit--With Explanation 37 - -"Law" Set Aside by "Gospel" 106 - -Leaving the Lawyers a Margin 129 - -Less Sense Than a Sheep 41 - -Lessons in Theology 15 - -"Lichts Oot!" 107 - -Light Through a Crack 14 - -Lights and Livers 193 - -Living With His Uncle 165 - -Looking After Himself 193 - -Looking Before Leaping 107 - -Lord Clancarty and the Roman Catholic Chaplain 113 - -Lord Cockburn Confounded 201 - -Lord Mansfield and a Scotch Barrister on Pronunciation 114 - -Losing His Senses 51 - -Lost Dogs 80 - -"Lost Labor" 149 - - -"Making Hay While the Sun Shines" 112 - -Mallet, Plane, and Sermon--All Wooden 23 - -Marriages which are Made in Heaven--How Revealed 115 - -"Married!"--not "Living" 79 - -Matrimony a Cure for Blindness 93 - -Matter More than Manner 90 - -Maunderings by a Scotchman 184 - -Meanness versus Crustiness 192 - -Mending Matters 95 - -Mental Aberration 70 - -Minding His Business 79 - -Modern Improvements 152 - -More Polite than Some Smokers 100 - -More Witty Than True 136 - -Mortal Humor 176 - -Mortifying Unanimity 43 - -Motive for Church Going 142 - -Multum in Parvo 62 - - -National Thrift Exemplified 94 - -Nearer the Bottom than the Top 175 - -New Style of Riding in a Funeral Procession 145 - -New Use for a "Cosy" 95 - -"No Better than Pharaoh" 143 - -"No Compliments" 202 - -No End to His Wit 129 - -"No Lord's Day!" 34 - -"No Road This Way!" 159 - -No Wonder! 27 - -Not all Profit 89 - -Not at Home 101 - -Not "in Chains" 163 - -Not Necessarily Out of His Depth 98 - -Not One of "The Establishment" 143 - -Not Qualified to Baptize 213 - -Not Quite an Ass 212 - -Not Surprised 210 - -Not Up to Sample 116 - -Not Used to It 141 - -"Nothing," and How to See It 133 - - -Objecting to Long Sermons 161 - -Objecting to "Regeneration" 30 - -Objecting to Scotch "Tarmes" 140 - -Official Consolation and Callousness 139 - -"Old Bags" 107 - -"Old Clo'" 197 - -One "Always Right," the Other "Never Wrong" 14 - -One Scotchman Outwitted by Another 214 - -One Side of Scotch Humor 82 - -"Oo"--with Variations 116 - -Ornithology 207 - - -Paris and Peebles Contrasted 57 - -Passing Remarks 197 - -Patriotism and Economy 154 - -Peter Peebles' Prejudice 33 - -Pie, or Patience? 89 - -"Plain Scotch" 19 - -Plain Speaking 93 - -Playing at Ghosts 157 - -Pleasant Prospect Beyond the Grave 138 - -"Plucked!" 36 - -Popularity Tested by the Collection 118 - -Practical Piety 172 - -Practical Thrift 75 - -"Prayer, with Thanksgiving" 206 - -Praying for Wind 109 - -Pretending to Make a Will 133 - -Prince Albert and the Ship's Cook 77 - -Prison Piety 61 - -Prof Aytoun's Courtship 209 - -Prophesying 130 - -Providing a Mouthful for the Cow 149 - -Pulpit Aids 76 - -Pulpit Eloquence 183 - -Pulpit Familiarity 165 - -Pulpit Foolery 138 - -"Purpose," not "Performance," Heaven's Standard 147 - -Putting off a Duel and Avoiding a Quarrel 206 - - -Quaint Old Edinburgh Ministers 215 - -Qualifications for a Chief 26 - -Question and Answer 127 - -Quid pro Quo 34 - - -Radically Rude 168 - -Reasons For and Against Organs in Kirk 31 - -"Reflections" 28 - -Refusing Information 85 - -Relieving His Wife's Anxiety 168 - -Religious Loneliness 61 - -Remarkable Presence of Mind 86 - -Remembering Each Other 115 - -Reproving a Miser 83 - -"Rippets" and Humility 170 - -Rival Anatomists in Edinburgh University 49 - -Rivalry in Prayer 179 - -Robbing on Credit 75, 127 - -Rustic Notion of the Resurrection 128 - - -Sabbath Breaking 85 - -Sabbath Zeal 123 - -"Saddling the Ass" 102 - -Salmon or Sermon 104 - -Sandy's Reply to the Sheriff 120 - -Sandy Wood's Proposal of Marriage 49 - -Satisfactory Security 114 - -Scoring a Point 13 - -Scotch Caution versus Suretiship 105 - -Scotch "Fashion" 18 - -Scotch Ingenuity 137 - -Scotch Literalness 98 - -Scotch "Paddy" 35 - -Scotch Provincialism 100 - -Scotch Undergraduates and Funerals 39 - -Scotchmen Everywhere 180 - -Scottish Negativeness 96 - -Scottish Patriotism 147 - -Scottish Vision and Cockney Chaff 197 - -Scripture Examination 87 - -Sectarian Resemblances 166 - -Seeking, Not Help, but Information--and Getting It 34 - -Sending Him to Sleep 152 - -Shakespeare--Nowhere! 159 - -Sharpening His Teeth 92 - -Sheridan's Pauses 208 - -"Short Commons" 137 - -Short Measure 57 - -Significant Advice 204 - -Silencing English Insolence 48 - -Simplicity of a Collier's Wife 108 - -Sleepy Churchgoers 170 - -Speaking Figuratively 112 - -Speaking from "Notes" 74 - -Speeding the Parting Guest 192 - -Spiking an Old Gun 156 - -Spinning It Out 100 - -Splendid Use for Bagpipes 171 - -Square-Headed 84 - -Strange Reason for Not Increasing a Minister's Stipend 183 - -Strangers--"Unawares"--Not Always Angels 28 - -Stratagem of a Scotch Pedlar 80 - -Steeple or People? 159 - -Stretching It 69 - -Sunday Drinking 181 - -Sunday Shaving and Milking 70 - -Sunday Thoughts on Recreation 167 - -"Surely the Net is Spread in Vain in the Sight of Any Bird" 64 - - -Taking a Light Supper 128 - -"Terms--'Cash Down'" 132 - -"The" and "The Other" 197 - -The Best Crap 210 - -The Best Time to Quarrel 146 - -The Book Worms 148 - -The Chieftain and the Cabby 88 - -The End Justifying the Means 45 - -The Fall of Adam and Its Consequences 85 - -The Fly-fisher and the Highland Lassie 101 - -The Force of Habit 204 - -The Highlander and the Angels 82 - -The Horse that Kept His Promise 146 - -The Importance of Quantity in Scholarship 35 - -The Journeyman Dog 60 - -The Kirk of Lamington 149 - -The Man at the Wheel 156 - -The Mercy of Providence 59 - -The "Minister's Man" 177 - -The Parson and His "Thirdly" 136 - -The Philosophy of Battle and Victory 154 - -The Prophet's Chamber 160 - -The Queen's Daughters--or "Appearances were Against Them" 116 - -The "Sawbeth" at a Country Inn 180 - -The Scotch Mason and the Angel 135 - -The Speech of a Cannibal 162 - -The Scottish Credit System 35 - -The Selkirk Grace 151 - -The Shape of the Earth 178 - -The Shoemaker and Small Feet 137 - -The Same with a Difference 139 - -"The Spigot's Oot" 193 - -The "Tables" of "the Law" 110 - -The Value of a Laugh in Sickness 92 - -"The Weaker Vessel" 79 - -"There Maun Be Some Faut" 172 - -"Things which Accompany Salvation" 192 - -"Though Lost to Sight--to Memory Dear" 153 - -Three Sisters All One Age 19 - -Tired of Standing 61 - -"To Memory 'Dear'" 78 - -Too Canny to Admit Anything Particular 42 - -Too Much Light--and Too Little 31 - -Touching Each Other's Limitations 165 - -True (perhaps) of Other Places than Dundee 133 - -Trying One Grave First 90 - -Trying to Shift the Job 94 - -Turning His Father's Weakness to Account 36 - -"Two Blacks Don't Make a White" 158 - -Two Good Memories 83 - -Two Methods of Getting a Dog Out of Church 174 - -Two Questions on the Fall of Man 162 - -Two Views of a Divine Call 58 - -Two Ways of Mending Ways 160 - - -Unanswerable 75 - -"Uncertainty of Life," from Two Good Points of View 148 - -"Unco' Modest" 30 - -Unusual for a Scotchman 134 - -"Ursa Major" 207 - -Using Their Senses 24 - - -Vanity Scathingly Reproved 203 - -"Verra Weel Pitched" 118 - -Virtuous Necessity 27 - - -Was He a Liberal or a Tory? 123 - -Walloping Judas 56 - -Watty Dunlop's Sympathy for Orphans 18 - -Wersh Parritch and Wersh Kisses 198 - -"What's the Lawin', Lass?" 190 - -When Asses may not be Parsons 62 - -Why Israel made a Golden Calf 92 - -Why Janet Slept During Her Pastor's Sermon 99 - -Why Not? 133 - -Why Saul Threw a Javelin at David 182 - -Why the Bishops Disliked the Bible 139 - -Will any Gentleman Oblige "a Lady"? 150 - -Winning the Race Instead of the Battle 207 - -Wiser than Solomon 152 - -"Wishes Never Filled the Bag" 141 - -Wit and Humor Under Difficulties 198 - - - - -LIST OF KNOWN WORKS AND AUTHORITIES QUOTED - -(_Indicated in the Text by a Corresponding Number_) - - -1 _Life and Labor_ (Smiles) - -2 (Robert Burns) - -3 (Pall Mall Gazette) - -4 (Dr. Chas. Stewart) - -5 (Norman Macleod) - -6 (Dr. Begg) - -7 (Dean Ramsay) - -8 _National Fun_ (Maurice Davies) - -9 _Anecdotes of the Clergy_ (Jacob Larwood) - -10 (William Arnott) - -11 (Moncure D. Conway) - -12 _Rab and His Friends_ (Rev. John Brown) - -13 _Memoir of R. Chambers_ (William Chambers) - -14 _Memorials_ (Lord Cockburn) - -15 (Dr. Guthrie) - -16 (Anonymous) - -17 (Daily News) - -18 _Turkey in Europe_ (Colonel J. Baker) - -19 _All the Year Round_ (Charles Dickens) - -20 _Red Gauntlet_ (Sir Walter Scott) - -21 (Chambers' Journal) - -22 (Dr. Hanna) - -23 (Sir W. Scott) - -24 (James Hogg) - -25 (Rev. D. Hogg) - -26 (J. Smith) - - - - -Scotch Wit and Humor - - -=Scoring a Point= - -A young Englishman was at a party mostly composed of Scotchmen, and -though he made several attempts to crack a joke, he failed to evoke a -single smile from the countenances of his companions. He became angry, -and exclaimed petulantly: "Why, it would take a gimlet to put a joke -into the heads of you Scotchmen." - -"Ay," replied one of them; "but the gimlet wud need tae be mair pointed -than thae jokes." - - -=A Cross-Examiner Answered= - -Mr. A. Scott writes from Paris: More than twenty years ago the Rev. Dr. -Arnott, of Glasgow, delivered a lecture to the Young Men's Christian -Association, Exeter Hall, upon "The earth framed and fitted as a -habitation for man." When he came to the subject of "water" he told the -audience that to give himself a rest he would tell them an anecdote. -Briefly, it was this: John Clerk (afterwards Lord Eldon) was being -examined before a Committee of the House of Lords. In using the word -water, he pronounced it in his native Doric as "watter." The noble lord, -the chairman, had the rudeness to interpose with the remark, "In -England, Mr. Clerk, we spell water with one 't.'" Mr. Clerk was for a -moment taken aback, but his native wit reasserted itself and he -rejoined, "There may na be twa 't's' in watter, my lord, but there are -twa 'n's' in manners." The droll way in which the doctor told the story -put the audience into fits of laughter, renewed over and over again, so -that the genial old lecturer obtained the rest he desired. [3] - - -=One "Always Right," the Other "Never Wrong"= - -A worthy old Ayrshire farmer had the portraits of himself and his wife -painted. When that of her husband, in an elegant frame, was hung over -the fireplace, the gudewife remarked in a sly manner: "I think, gudeman, -noo that ye've gotten your picture hung up there, we should just put in -below't, for a motto, like, 'Aye richt!'" - -"Deed may ye, my woman," replied her husband in an equally pawkie tone; -"and when ye got yours hung up ower the sofa there, we'll just put up -anither motto on't, and say, 'Never wrang!'" - - -="A Nest Egg Noo!"= - -An old maid, who kept house in a thriving weaving village, was much -pestered by the young knights of the shuttle constantly entrapping her -serving-women into the willing noose of matrimony. This, for various -reasons, was not to be tolerated. She accordingly hired a woman -sufficiently ripe in years, and of a complexion that the weather would -not spoil. On going with her, the first day after the term, to "make her -markets," they were met by a group of strapping young weavers, who were -anxious to get a peep at the "leddy's new lass." - -One of them, looking more eagerly into the face of the favored handmaid -than the rest, and then at her mistress, could not help involuntarily -exclaiming, "Hech, mistress, ye've gotten a nest egg noo!" - - -=Light Through a Crack= - -Some years ago the celebrated Edward Irving had been lecturing at -Dumfries, and a man who passed as a wag in that locality had been to -hear him. - -He met Watty Dunlop the following day, who said, "Weel, Willie, man, an' -what do ye think of Mr. Irving?" - -"Oh," said Willie, contemptuously, "the man's crack't." - -Dunlop patted him on the shoulder, with a quiet remark, "Willie, ye'Il -aften see a light peeping through a crack!" [7] - - -=A Lesson to the Marquis of Lorne= - -The youthful Maccallum More, who is now allied to the Royal Family of -Great Britain, was some years ago driving four-in-hand in a rather -narrow pass on his father's estate. He was accompanied by one or two -friends--jolly young sprigs of nobility--who appeared, under the -influence of a very warm day and in the prospect of a good dinner, to be -wonderfully hilarious. - -In this mood the party came upon a cart laden with turnips, alongside -which the farmer, or his man, trudged with the most perfect -self-complacency, and who, despite frequent calls, would not make the -slightest effort to enable the approaching equipage to pass, which it -could not possibly do until the cart had been drawn close up to the near -side of the road. With a pardonable assumption of authority, the marquis -interrogated the carter: "Do you know who I am, sir?" The man readily -admitted his ignorance. - -"Well," replied the young patrician, preparing himself for an effective -_denouement_, "I'm the Duke of Argyll's eldest son!" - -"Deed," quoth the imperturbable man of turnips, "an' I dinna care gin ye -were the deevil's son; keep ye're ain side o' the road, an' I'll keep -mine." - -It is creditable to the good sense of the marquis, so far from seeking -to resist this impertinent rejoinder, he turned to one of his friends, -and remarked that the carter was evidently "a very clever fellow." - - -=Lessons in Theology= - -The answer of an old woman under examination by the minister, to the -question from the Shorter Catechism, "What are the _decrees_ of God?" -could not have been surpassed by the General Assembly of the Kirk, or -even the Synod of Dart, "Indeed, sir, He kens that best Himsell." - - * * * * * - -An answer analogous to the above, though not so pungent, was given by a -catechumen of the late Dr. Johnston of Leith. She answered his own -question, patting him on the shoulder: "Deed, just tell it yersell, -bonny doctor (he was a very handsome man); naebody can tell it better." - - * * * * * - -A contributor (A. Halliday) to _All the Year Round_, in 1865, writes as -follows: - -When I go north of Aberdeen, I prefer to travel by third class. Your -first-class Scotchman is a very solemn person, very reserved, very much -occupied in maintaining his dignity, and while saying little, appearing -to claim to think the more. The people whom you meet in the third-class -carriages, on the other hand, are extremely free. There is no reserve -about them whatever; they begin to talk the moment they enter the -carriage, about the crops, the latest news, anything that may occur to -them. And they are full of humor and jocularity. - -My fellow-passengers on one journey were small farmers, artisans, -clerks, and fishermen. They discussed everything, politics, literature, -religion, agriculture, and even scientific matters in a light and airy -spirit of banter and fun. An old fellow, whose hands claimed long -acquaintance with the plow, gave a whimsical description of the parting -of the Atlantic telegraph cable, which set the whole carriage in a roar. - -"Have you ony shares in it, Sandy?" said one. - -"Na, na," said Sandy. "I've left off speculation since my wife took to -wearing crinolines; I canna afford it noo." - -"Fat d'ye think of the rinderpest, Sandy?" - -"Weel, I'm thinking that if my coo tak's it, Tibbie an' me winna ha' -muckle milk to our tay." - -The knotty question of predestination came up and could not be settled. -When the train stopped at the next station, Sandy said: "Bide a wee, -there's a doctor o' deveenity in one o' the first-class carriages. I'll -gang and ask him fat he thinks aboot it." And out Sandy got to consult -the doctor. We could hear him parleying with the eminent divine over the -carriage door, and presently he came running back, just as the train -was starting, and was bundled in, neck and crop, by the guard. - -"Weel, Sandy," said his oppugner on the predestination question, "did -the doctor o' deveenity gie you his opinion?" - -"Ay, did he." - -"An' fat did he say aboot it?" - -"Weel, he just said he dinna ken an' he dinna care." - -The notion of a D.D. neither kenning nor caring about the highly -important doctrine of predestination, so tickled the fancy of the -company that they went into fits of laughter. [38] - - -=Double Meanings= - -A well-known idiot, named Jamie Frazer, belonging to the parish of -Lunan, in Forfarshire, quite surprised people sometimes by his replies. -The congregation of his parish had for some time distressed the minister -by their habit of sleeping in church. He had often endeavored to impress -them with a sense of the impropriety of such conduct, and one day when -Jamie was sitting in the front gallery wide awake, when many were -slumbering round him, the clergyman endeavored to awaken the attention -of his hearers by stating the fact, saying: "You see even Jamie Frazer, -the idiot, does not fall asleep as so many of you are doing." Jamie not -liking, perhaps, to be designated, coolly replied, "An' I hadna been an -idiot I wad ha' been sleepin', too." [7] - - * * * * * - -Another imbecile of Peebles had been sitting in church for some time -listening to a vigorous declamation from the pulpit against deceit and -falsehood. He was observed to turn red and grow uneasy, until at last, -as if wincing under the supposed attack upon himself personally, he -roared out: "Indeed, meenister, there's mair leears in Peebles than me." -[7] - - * * * * * - -A minister, who had been all day visiting, called on an old dame, well -known for her kindness of heart and hospitality, and begged the favor -of a cup of tea. This was heartily accorded, and the old woman bustled -about, getting out the best china and whatever rural delicacies were at -hand to honor her unexpected guest. As the minister sat watching these -preparations, his eye fell on four or five cats devouring cold porridge -under the table. - -"Dear me! what a number of cats," he observed. "Do they all belong to -you, Mrs. Black?" - -"No, sir," replied his hostess innocently; "but as I often say, a' the -hungry brutes i' the country side come to me seekin' a meal o' meat." - -The minister was rather at a loss for a reply. - - -=Scotch "Fashion"= - -The following story, told in the "Scotch Reminiscences" of Dean Ramsay, -is not without its point at the present day: "On a certain occasion a -new pair of inexpressibles had been made for the laird; they were so -tight that, after waxing hot and red in the attempt to try them on, he -_let out_ rather savagely at the tailor, who calmly assured him, 'It's -the fashion--it's the fashion.' - -"'Eh, ye haveril, is it the fashion for them _no' to go on_?'" [7] - - -=Wattie Dunlop's Sympathy for Orphans= - -Many anecdotes of pithy and facetious replies are recorded of a minister -of the South, usually distinguished as "Our Wattie Dunlop." On one -occasion two irreverent young fellows determined, as they said, to -"taigle" (confound) the minister. Coming up to him in the High Street of -Dumfries, they accosted him with much solemnity: "Maister Dunlop, hae ye -heard the news?" "What news?" "Oh, the deil's dead." "Is he?" said Mr. -Dunlop, "then I maun pray for twa faitherless bairns." [7] - - -=Highland Happiness= - -Sir Walter Scott, in one of his novels, gives expression to the height -of a Highlander's happiness: Twenty-four bagpipes assembled together in -a small room, all playing at the same time different tunes. [23] - - -=Plain Scotch= - -Mr. John Clerk (afterwards Lord Eldon), in pleading before the House of -Lords one day, happened to say in his broadest Scotch accent: "In plain -English, ma lords." - -Upon which a noble lord jocosely remarked: "In plain Scotch, you mean, -Mr. Clerk." - -The prompt advocate instantly rejoined: "Nae matter! in plain common -sense, ma lords, and that's the same in a' languages, ye'll ken." - - -=Caring for Their Minister= - -A minister was called in to see a man who was very ill. After finishing -his visit, as he was leaving the house, he said to the man's wife: "My -good woman, do you not go to any church at all?" - -"Oh yes, sir; we gang to the Barony Kirk." - -"Then why in the world did you send for me? Why didn't you send for Dr. -Macleod?" - -"Na, na, sir, 'deed no; we wadna risk him. Do ye no ken it's a dangerous -case of typhus?" - - -=Three Sisters All One Age= - -A Highland census taker contributed the following story to _Chambers'_: -I had a bad job with the Miss M'Farlanes. They are three maiden -ladies--sisters. It seems the one would not trust the other to see the -census paper filled up; so they agreed to bring it to me to fill in. - -"Would you kindly fill in this census paper for us?" said Miss -M'Farlane. "My sisters will look over and give you their particulars by -and by." - -Now, Miss M'Farlane is a very nice lady; though Mrs. Cameron tells me -she has been calling very often at the manse since the minister lost his -wife. Be that as it may, I said to her that I would be happy to fill up -the paper; and asked her in the meantime to give me her own particulars. -When it came to the age column, she played with her boot on the carpet, -and drew the black ribbons of her silk bag through her fingers, and -whispered: "You can say four-and-thirty, Mr. M'Lauchlin." "All right, -ma'am," says I; for I knew she was four-and-thirty at any rate. Then -Miss Susan came over--that's the second sister--really a handsome young -creature, with fine ringlets and curls, though she is a little -tender-eyed, and wears spectacles. - -Well, when we came to the age column, Miss Susan played with one of her -ringlets, and looked in my face sweetly, and said: "Mr. M'Lauchlin, what -did Miss M'Farlane say? My sister, you know, is considerably older than -I am--there was a brother between us." - -"Quite so, my dear Miss Susan," said I; "but you see the bargain was -that each was to state her own age." - -"Well," said Miss Susan, still playing with her ringlets, "you can -say--age, thirty-four years, Mr. M'Lauchlin." - -In a little while the youngest sister came in. - -"Miss M'Farlane," said she, "sent me over for the census paper." - -"O, no, my dear," says I; "I cannot part with the paper." - -"Well, then," said she, "just enter my name, too, Mr. M'Lauchlin." - -"Quite so. But tell me, Miss Robina, why did Miss M'Farlane not fill up -the paper herself?"--for Miss Robina and I were always on very -confidential terms. - -"Oh," she replied, "there was a dispute over _particulars_; and Miss -M'Farlane would not let my other sister see how old she had said she -was; and Miss Susan refused to state her age to Miss M'Farlane; and so, -to end the quarrel, we agreed to ask you to be so kind as to fill in the -paper." - -"Yes, yes, Miss Robina," said I; "that's quite satisfactory; and so, -I'll fill in your name now, if you please." - -"Yes," she uttered, with a sigh. When we came to the age column--"Is it -absolutely necessary," said she, "to fill in the age? Don't you think it -is a most impertinent question to ask, Mr. M'Lauchlin?" - -"Tuts, it may be so to some folk; but to a sweet young creature like -you, it cannot matter a button." "Well," said Miss Robina--"but now, -Mr. M'Lauchlin, I'm to tell you a great secret"; and she blushed as she -slowly continued: "The minister comes sometimes to see us." - -"I _have_ noticed him rather more attentive in his visitations in your -quarter of late, than usual, Miss Robina." - -"Very well, Mr. M'Lauchlin; but you must not tease me just now. You know -Miss M'Farlane is of opinion that he is in love with her; while Miss -Susan thinks her taste for literature and her knowledge of geology, -especially her pamphlet on the Old Red Sandstone and its fossils as -confirming the old Mosaic record, are all matters of great interest to -Mr. Frazer, and she fancies that he comes so frequently for the -privilege of conversing with her. But," exclaimed Miss Robina, with a -look of triumph, "look at that!" and she held in her hand a beautiful -gold ring. "I have got that from the minister this very day!" - -I congratulated her. She had been a favorite pupil of mine, and I was -rather pleased with what happened. "But what," I asked her, "has all -this to do with the census?" - -"Oh, just this," continued Miss Robina, "I had no reason to conceal my -age, as Mr. Frazer knows it exactly, since he baptized me. He was a -young creature then, only three-and-twenty; so that's just the -difference between us." - -"Nothing at all, Miss Robina," said I; "nothing at all; not worth -mentioning." - -"In this changeful and passing world," said Miss Robina, -"three-and-twenty years are not much after all, Mr. M'Lauchlin!" - -"Much!" said I. "Tuts, my dear, it's nothing--just, indeed, what should -be." - -"I was just thirty-four last birthday, Mr. M'Lauchlin," said Miss -Robina; "and the minister said the last time he called that no young -lady should take the cares and responsibilities of a household upon -herself till she was--well, eight-and-twenty; and he added that -thirty-four was late enough." - -"The minister, my dear, is a man of sense." - -So thus were the Miss M'Farlanes' census schedules filled up; and if -ever some one in search of the curiosities of the census should come -across it, he may think it strange enough, for he will find that the -three sisters M'Farlane are all ae year's bairns! - - -=Distributing His Praises with Discernment= - -Will Stout was a bachelor and parish beadle, residing with his old -mother who lived to the age of nearly a hundred years. In mature life he -was urged by some friends to take a wife. He was very cautious, however, -in regard to matrimony, and declined the advice, excusing himself on the -ground "that there are many things you can say to your mither you -couldna say to a fremit (strange) woman." - -While beadle, he had seen four or five different ministers in the -parish, and had buried two or three of them. And although his feelings -became somewhat blunted regarding the sacredness of graves in general, -yet he took a somewhat tender care of the spot where the ministers lay. -After his extended experience, he was asked to give his deliberate -judgment as to which of them he had liked best. His answer was guarded; -he said he did not know, as they were all good men. But being further -pressed and asked if he had no preference, after a little thought he -again admitted that they were all "guid men, guid men; but Mr. -Mathieson's claes fitted me best." - -One of the new incumbents, knowing Will's interest in the clothes, -thought that at an early stage he would gain his favor by presenting him -with a coat. To make him conscious of the kindly service he was doing, -the minister informed him that it was almost new. Will took the garment, -examined it with a critical eye, and having thoroughly satisfied -himself, pronounced it "a guid coat," but pawkily added: "When Mr. Watt, -the old minister, gied me a coat, he gied me breeks as weel." - -The new minister, who was fortunately gifted with a sense of humor, -could not do less than complete Will's rig-out from top to toe, and so -established himself as a permanent favorite with the beadle. - - -=Mallet, Plane and Sermon--All Wooden= - -In olden times, the serviceable beadle was armed with a small wooden -"nob" or mallet, with which he was quietly commissioned to "tap" gently -but firmly the heads of careless sleepers in church during the sermon. -An instance to hand is very amusing. - -In the old town of Kilbarchan, which is celebrated in Scottish poetry as -the birthplace of Habbie Simpson, the piper and verse maker of the -clachan, once lived and preached a reverend original, whose pulpit -ministrations were of the old-fashioned, hodden-gray type, being humdrum -and innocent of all spirit-rousing eloquence and force. Like many of his -clerical brethren, he was greatly annoyed every Sunday at the sight of -several of his parishioners sleeping throughout the sermon. He was -especially angry with Johnny Plane, the village joiner, who dropped off -to sleep every Sunday afternoon simultaneously with the formal delivery -of the text. Johnny had been "touched" by the old beadle's mallet on -several occasions, but only in a gentle though persuasive manner. At -last, one day the minister, provoked beyond endurance at the sight of -the joiner soundly sleeping, lost his temper. - -"Johnny Plane!" cried the reverend gentleman, stopping his discourse and -eyeing the culprit severely, "are ye really sleeping already, and me no' -half through the first head?" - -The joiner, easy man, was quite oblivious to things celestial and -mundane, and noticed not the rebuke. - -"Andra," resumed the minister, addressing the beadle, and relapsing into -informal Doric, "gang round to the wast loft (west gallery) and rap up -Johnny Plane. Gie the lazy loon a guid stiff rap on the heid--he -deserves 't." - -Round and up to the "wast loft" the old-fashioned beadle goes, and -reaching the somnolent parishioner, he rather smartly "raps" him on his -bald head. Instantly, there was on the part of Johnny a sudden start-up, -and between him and the worthy beadle a hot, underbreath bandying of -words. - -Silence restored, the reverend gentleman proceeded with his sermon as -if nothing unusual had occurred. After sermon, Andra met the minister in -the vestry, who at once made inquiry as to the "words" he had had with -Johnny in the gallery. But the beadle was reticent and uncommunicative -on the matter, and would not be questioned at the reception the joiner -had given his salutary summons. - -"Well, Andra," at length said the reverend gentleman, "I'll tell ye -what, we must not be beaten in this matter; if the loon sleeps next -Sunday during sermon, just you gang up and rap him back to reason. It's -a knock wi' some _force_ in't the chiel wants, mind that, and spare -not." - -"Deed no, sir" was the beadle's canny reply. "I'll no' disturb him, -sleepin' or waukin', for some time to come. He threatens to knock -pew-Bibles and hymn-books oot o' me, if I again daur to 'rap' him atween -this and Martinmas. If Johnny's to be kept frae sleepin', minister, ye -maun _just pit the force into yer sermon_." - - -=Using Their Senses= - -The following story is told by one of the officers engaged in taking a -census: One afternoon, I called up at Whinny Knowes, to get their -schedule; and Mrs. Cameron invited me to stay to tea, telling me what a -day they had had at "Whins" with the census paper. - -"'First of all,' said she, 'the master there'--pointing to her -husband--'said seriously that every one must tell their ages, whether -they were married or not, and whether they intended to be married, and -the age and occupation of their sweethearts--in fact, that every -particular was to be mentioned. Now, Mr. M'Lauchlin, our two servant -lasses are real nice girls; but save me! what a fluster this census -paper has put them in. Janet has been ten years with us, and is a most -superior woman, with good sense; but at this time she is the most -distressed of the two. After family worship last night, she said she -would like a word o' the master himsel'.' - -"'All right,' says John, with a slight twinkle in his eye. - -"'When they were by themselves, Janet stood with her Bible in her hand, -and her eyes fixed on the point of her shoe. 'Sir,' said she, 'I was -three-an'-thirty last birthday, though my neighbor Mary thinks I'm only -eight-an'-twenty. And as for Alexander'--this was the miller, Janet's -reputed sweetheart--'he's never asked my age exactly; and so, if it's -all the same, I would like you just to keep your thumb upon that. And -then, as to whether he's to marry me or not, that depends on whether the -factor gives him another lease of the mill. He says he'll take me at -Martinmas coming if he gets the lease; but at the farthest, next -Martinmas, whether or no.' - -"'Janet,' said my husband, 'you have stated the matter fairly; there is -nothing more required.' - -"And John, there," continued Mrs. Cameron, "has made good use of Janet's -census return. This very forenoon Lady Menzies called to see us, as she -often does. Said John to her ladyship, says he: 'He's a very good -fellow, Alexander Christie, the miller--a superior man. I'm sorry we are -like to lose him for a neighbor.' - -"'I never heard of that,' said her ladyship. 'He is a steady, honest -man, and a good miller, I believe. I should be sorry to lose him on the -estate. What is the cause of this?' - -"'Oh,' replied my husband, 'it seems the factor is not very willing to -have a new lease of the mill without one being built. Your ladyship,' -added John, 'can see what Alexander is after.' - -"'Oh, yes, I understand,' said she, laughing. 'I will try and keep the -miller'; and off she set without another word. Down the burnside she -goes, and meets Alexander, with a bag of corn on his back, at the -mill-door. When he had set it down, and was wiping the perspiration off -his brow with the back of his hand, Lady Menzies said: 'You are busy -to-day, miller.' - -"'Yes, my lady,' said he; 'this is a busy time.' - -"'I wonder,' said her ladyship, coming to the point at once, 'that a -fine young fellow like you does not settle down now and take a wife, and -let me have the pleasure of seeing you as a tenant always with us.' - -"'You wouldn't, my lady,' said the miller, 'have me bring a bird before -I had a cage to put it in. The factor grudges to build me a house; -therefore, I fear I must remove.' - -"'Well, Christie,' said her ladyship with great glee, 'you'll look out -for the bird, and leave it to me to find the cage.' - -"'It's a bargain, my lady,' said Alexander. 'My father and my -grandfather were millers here for many a long year before me; and to -tell the truth, I was reluctant to leave the old place.' - -"In the course of the forenoon, the miller made an errand up the burn to -the 'Whins,' for some empty bags; and as we had already got an inkling -of what had passed between him and Lady Menzies, I sent Janet to the -barn to help him look them out. When Janet returned, I saw she was a -little flurried, and looked as if there was something she wished to say. -In a little while--'Ma'am,' says she to me, 'I'm no' to stop after -Martinmas.' - -"'No, Janet?' says I. 'I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure I've no fault to -find with you, and you have been a long time with us.' - -"'I'm not going far away,' said Janet, with some pride; 'the bairns will -aye get a handful of groats when they come to see us!' - -"So you see, Mr. M'Lauchlin, what a change this census paper of yours -has brought about." - -"Ay, ay, good wife," said Whinny Knowes, laughing; "Although you have -lost a good servant, you must admit that I've managed to keep the -miller." - - -=Qualifications for a Chief= - -When Glengarry claimed the chieftainship of the Macdonald clan, the -generally acknowledged chief wrote to him as follows: "My dear -Glengarry: As soon as you can prove yourself my chief I shall be ready -to acknowledge you. In the meantime, I am, _Yours_, Macdonald." - - -=A Beadle Magnifying His Office= - -The story of Watty Tinlin, the half-crazy beadle of Hawick parish, -illustrates the license which was, on certain occasions, supposed to be -due to his office. One day Wat got so tired of listening to the long -sermon of a strange minister, that he went outside the church, and -wandering in the direction of the river Teviot, saw the worshipers from -the adjoining parish of Wilton crossing the bridge on their way home. - -Returning to the church and finding the preacher still thundering away, -he shouted out, to the astonishment and relief of the exhausted -congregation: "Say, amen, sir; say amen! Wulton's kirk's comin ower -Teviot Brig!" - - -=No Wonder!= - -The Lord Provost of a certain well-known city in the north had a -daughter married to a gentleman of the name of Baird; and speaking of -names of several friends, he happened to remark: "My grandmother was a -Huisband, and my mother a Man," these having been the maiden names of -the ladies. - -"Why, in that case," said the celebrated Dr. Gregory, who happened to be -present, "we may the less wonder at your daughter having got a Baird." - - -=Virtuous Necessity= - -Robbie Fairgrieve was sexton as well as kirk-beadle in a Roxburghshire -parish, and despite the solemn duties attaching to his vocation, was on -the whole a genial man, about equally fond of a joke and a good dram. In -fact, Robbie was affected with a chronic "spark in his throat" which was -ill to quench, and was, indeed, never fairly extinguished during the -fifty years he officiated as kirk-beadle and sexton. One day, the -minister of the parish met Robbie coming home from a visit to Jedburgh -fair much sooner than was expected, he (Robbie) having found the fair -painfully _dry_, in the sense of an unprecedented absence of friendly -drams. Curious to know the cause of the beadle's quick return, the -minister inquired as to the reason of such correct conduct, since most -of his fellow-parishioners would likely stay out the fair. - -"Oh, sir," said Robbie, "huz yins (us ones) wha are 'sponsible -kirk-officers" (alluding to the minister and himself), "should aye -strive to be guid ensamples to the riff-raff o' the flock." - - -=Strangers--"Unawares"--Not always Angels= - -Dr. Ferguson's first residence in Peebleshire was at Neidpath Castle, -which was then just about to fall into its present half-ruinous state. -On settling there, he told his family that it was his desire that any -respectable people in the neighborhood who called should be received -with the utmost civility, so that they might remain on pleasant terms -with all around. Ere many days had elapsed, a neatly-dressed, -gentleman-like little man was shown into Dr. Ferguson's own room, and -entered easily into miscellaneous conversation. The bell for their early -family-dinner ringing at the time, the courteous professor invited his -visitor to join the family in the dining-room, which he readily -consented to do. The family, remembering their father's injunction, of -course received the unknown with all possible distinction, and a very -lively conversation ensued. Dr. Ferguson, however, expressed his concern -to see that his guest was eating very little--indeed, only making an -appearance of eating--and he confessed his regret that he had so little -variety of fare to offer him. - -"Oh, doctor," said the stranger, "never mind me: the fact is, on -_killing days_ I scarcely ever have any appetite." - -Not small was the surprise, but much greater the amusement of the -family, on discovering that he of the stingy appetite was Robert Smith, -the Peebles butcher, and that the object of his visit was merely to -bespeak Dr. Ferguson's custom! - - -="Reflections"= - -A young preacher was holding forth to a country congregation, with -rather more show than substance; after discussing certain heads in his -way, he informed his audience that he would conclude with a few -reflections. - -An old man, who seemed not greatly gratified, gave a significant shrug -of his shoulders, and said in a low tone of voice, "Ye needna fash. -There'll be plenty o' reflections I'se warn ye, though ye dinna mak' ony -yersel'." - - -=An Observant Husband= - -Willie Turnbull and his wife used to sup their evening meal of brose out -of one "cog," but the gudewife generally took care to place the lump of -butter at one side of the dish, which she carefully turned to her own -side of the table. One night, however, Mrs. Turnbull inadvertently -turned the "fat side" from her, and did not discover her error till she -was about to dip in her spoon. She could not, without exposing her -selfishness, actually turn the bowl round before her husband, but the -butter she must have, and in order to obtain it she resorted to -artifice. - -"Willie," said she, as if seized with a sudden inspiration, "isn't this -a queer world? I'm tell't that it just turns round and round about, as I -micht take this bowl and turn it round this way," and she prepared to -suit the action to the word. - -Willie, however, saw this at a glance, and promptly stopped the -practical illustration, saying, "Ay, ay, Maggie, the world's queer -enough, but you just let it stand still e'enow, and the brose bowl, -too!" - - -="Bulls" in Scotland= - -Two operatives in one of the Border towns were heard disputing about a -new cemetery, beside the elegant railing of which they were standing. -One of them, evidently disliking the continental fashion in which it was -being laid out, said in disgust, "I'd rather dee than be buried in sic a -place!" - -"Weel, it's the verra reverse wi' me," said the other, "for I'll be -buried naewhere else if I'm spared." - - -="Brothers" in Law= - -A countryman, going into the Court of Session, took notice of two -advocates at the bar, who, being engaged on opposite sides of the case -in hand, wrangled with and contradicted each other severely, each -frequently, however, styling his opponent "brother." The countryman -observed to a bystander that there did not seem to be much brotherly -love between them. - -"Oh," said he, "they're only brothers _in law_." - -"I suppose they'll be married on twa sisters, then," replied he; "and I -think it's just the auld story ower again--freen's 'gree best separate." - - -=A Family Likeness= - -Some soldiers, quartered in a country village, when they met at the -roll-call were asking one another what kind of quarters they had got; -one of them said he had very good quarters, but the strangest landlady -ever he saw--she always took him off. A comrade said he would go along -with him and would take her off. He went and offered to shake hands with -her, saying, "How are you, Elspa?" - -"Indeed, sir," said she, "ye hae the better o' me; I dinna ken ye." - -"Dear me, Elspa," replied the soldier, "d'ye no ken me? I'm the devil's -sister's son." - -"Dear, save us!" quoth the old wife, looking him broadly in the face; -"'od man, but ye're like your uncle!" - - -="Unco' Modest"= - -A Scottish witness in the House of Lords once gave in a rather -dictatorial style his notions as to the failings in the character of -Irishmen and Englishmen. - -He was allowed to say his say, and when out of breath Lord Lucan asked -him to oblige the committee with his ideas relative to Scotch character. - -"Aweel, my laird, they're just on the contrary, unco' modest and"--the -rest of the sentence was drowned in uproarious merriment. - - -=Objecting to "Regeneration"= - -"What is the meaning of 'regeneration,' Tommy?" asked a teacher in the -north, of one of the most promising pupils. - -"It means 'to be born again,' sir," was the answer. - -"Quite right, quite right, my man. Would you like to be born again, -Tommy?" said the examiner. - -"No, sir, I wadna;" replied the heretical youth, boldly. - -"Indeed, laddie, and wha for no'?" inquired the astounded preceptor. - -"Because, sir," answered Tommy, "I'm fear'd I might be born a lassie." - - -=Reasons For and Against Organs in Kirk= - -At a certain gathering of Presbyterian clergymen one of them urged that -organs should be introduced in order to draw more young people to the -church; upon which an old minister remarked that this was acting on the -principle of "O whistle, an' I'll come to ye, my lad!" - - -=Too Much Light and Too Little= - -A parish minister in Stirlingshire, noted for his parsimonious habits, -had his glebe land wholly cropped with corn upon one occasion. After the -ingatherings of harvest, news reached him that a considerable fall in -prices was expected, and he ordered his serviceable "man," John, to get -the corn threshed and taken to market with all possible speed. Now the -beadle, having a well-founded hatred for his master's greed, set about -his work in his ordinary style--a slow, if sure, process. John's style, -however, did not on this occasion please the minister, who ordered him -to get through with the task, even though he should get it done by -candle-light. - -"Weel, weel," said the beadle; "say nae mair aboot it; it'll be done, -sir, e'en as ye desire." - -Next day the minister, hearing the sound of the flail, entered the barn -to see what progress was being made with the work, when, to his -astonishment and anger, he found his beadle "flailing" away with might -and main, and a candle burning brightly on each side of the -threshing-floor. - -"What's this I see? What's the meaning of this?" demanded his master. -"Candles burning in broad daylight!" - -"Oh, contain yersel', sir--contain yersel'," replied John with provoking -coolness. "I'm daein' nae mair than ye bade me, for I'm daein' the job -baith by day-licht and by can'le-licht." - -The beadle, after being severely lectured on his extravagant conduct, -was ordered to take the candles to the kitchen, and henceforth and at -all times he was to be deprived of their use. - -One night shortly after, a message came to the minister that one of his -parishioners, who lived at a distance, was supposed to be dying, and was -anxious to see him. John was dispatched to saddle the horse; and his -master set about equipping himself for the journey. He then stepped -across to where John was waiting with the animal, and seizing the reins, -was about to mount, when suddenly, seeing a pair of horns on the crest -of the steed, he shouted: "What in all the earth is this you have done, -John?" - -The beadle, comically peering in the darkness at the creature, -exclaimed: "I declare, sir, if I hav'na saddled the coo instead o' the -horse, for the want o' can'le-licht!" - - -=A Reproof Cleverly Diverted= - -The punctuality which reigned over the domestic regulations of Dr. -Chalmers was sometimes not a little inconvenient to his guests. - -His aunt, while living in the house, appearing one morning too late for -breakfast, and well knowing what awaited her if she did not "take the -first word o' flyting," thus diverted the expected storm. - -"Oh! Mr. Chalmers," she exclaimed, as she entered the room, "I had such -a strange dream last night; I dreamt that you were dead. And I dreamt," -she continued, "that the funeral cards were written; and the day came, -and the folk came, and the hour came; but what do you think happened? -Why, the clock had scarce done chapping twelve, which was the hour named -in the cards, when a loud knocking was heard in the coffin, and a voice, -gey peremptory and ill-pleased like, came out of it, saying, 'Twelve's -chappit, and ye're no liftin'!'" - -The doctor was too fond of a joke not to relish this one; and, in the -hearty laugh which followed, the ingenious culprit escaped. [22] - - -=A Scotch "Squire"= - -"What name, sir?" said a booking clerk at a coach office in Paisley, to -a person who was applying for a seat in the Glasgow coach. - -"What hae ye to dae wi' my name, gin I gie ye the siller?" replied the -applicant. - -"I require it for the way-bill; and unless you give it, you can't have a -place in the coach," said the clerk. - -"Oh! gin that be the case, I suppose ye maun hae't. Weel, then, my -name's John Tamson o' Butter Braes, an' ye may put 'Esquire' till't, gin -ye like; at least, I live on my ain farm." - - -=Peter Peebles' Prejudice= - -"Ow, he is just a weed harum-scarum creature, that wad never take his -studies; daft, sir, clean daft." - -"Deft!" said the justice; "what d'ye mean by deft--eh?" - -"Just Fifish," replied Peter; "wowf--a wee bit by the East--Nook, or -sae; it's common case--the ae half of the warld thinks the tither daft. -I have met folk in my day that thought I was daft mysell; and, for my -part, I think our Court of Session clean daft, that have had the great -cause of Peebles against Plainstanes before them for this score of -years, and have never been able to ding the bottom of it yet." [20] - - -=English versus Scotch Sheep's Heads= - -A Scottish family, having removed to London, wished to have a sheep's -head prepared as they had been accustomed to have it at home, and sent -the servant to procure one. - -"My gude man," said the girl, "I want a sheep's head." - -"There's plenty of them," replied the knight of the knife, "choose one -for yourself." - -"Na, na," said she, "I want ane that will sing (singe)." - -"Go, you stupid girl," said he, "whoever heard of a sheep's head that -could sing?" - -"Why," said the girl in wrath, "it's ye that's stupid; for a' the -sheep's heads in Scotland can sing; but I jalouse your English sheep -are just as grit fules as their owners, and can do naething as they -ocht." - - -=Seeking, not Help, but Information--and Getting It= - -The landlord of the hotel at the foot of Ben Nevis tells a story of an -Englishman stumbling into a bog between the mountain and the inn, and -sinking up to his armpits. In danger of his life he called out to a tall -Highlander who was passing by, "How can I get out of this?" to which the -Scotchman replied, "I dinna think ye can," and coolly walked on. - - -=Compulsory Education and a Father's Remedy= - -One of the members of a Scottish School Board was recently discussing -the question of compulsory education with a worthy elector, who -addressed him as follows: "An' that's gospel, is't, that ye're gaun to -eddicatt my bairns whuther I will or no?" - -The member proceeded to explain. - -"Weel, I'll just tell ye. Ye say they're to be eddicatt; I say they're -no' an' they sanna. I'll droon them first!" - - -="No Lord's Day!"= - -In a certain district in the Highlands, the bell-man one day made the -following proclamation: "O yes, O yes, and O yes; and that's three -times! You'll all pe tak' notice, that there will pe no Lord's day here -next Sabbath, pecause the laird's wife wants the kirk to dry her clothes -in!" - - -=Dead Shot= - -An ironmonger who kept a shop in the High Street of Edinburgh, and sold -gunpowder and shot, when asked by any ignorant person in what respect -"patent" shot--a new article at that time--surpassed the old kind, "Oh, -sir," he would answer, "it shoots deader." - - -=Quid Pro Quo= - -An old Scottish beggar, with bonnet in hand, appealed to a clergyman for -"a bit of charity." The minister put a piece of silver into his hand. - -"Thank ye, sir; oh, thank ye! I'll gie ye an afternoon's hearing for -this ane o' these days." - - -=The Scottish Credit System= - -An intimation hung in a warehouse in Glasgow was to this effect: "No -credit given here, except to those who pay money down." - - -=Scotch "Paddy"= - -"Noo, my gude bairns," said a schoolmaster to his class "there's just -another instance o' the uncertainty o' human life; ane o' your ane -schulemates--a fine wee bit lassie--went to her bed hale and weel at -night and rose a corpse in the morning." - - -=The Importance of Quantity in Scholarship= - -Charles Erskine was, at the age of twenty, a teacher of Latin in -Edinburgh University. On one occasion, after his elevation to the bench, -a young lawyer in arguing a case before him used a false Latin quantity, -whereupon his lordship said, with a good-natured smile, "Are you sure, -sir, you are correct in your _quantity_ there?" - -The young counsel nettled at the query, retorted petulantly, "My lord, I -never was a schoolmaster." - -"No," answered the judge, "nor, I think, a scholar either." - - -=Capital Punishment= - -Andrew Leslie, an old Scotchman, always rode a donkey to his work and -tethered him, while he labored, on the road, or wherever else he might -be. It was suggested to him by a neighboring gentleman that he was -suspected of putting him in to feed in the fields at other people's -expense. - -"Eh, laird, I could never be tempted to do that, for my cuddy winna eat -anything but nettles and thistles." - -One day, however, the same gentleman was riding along the road when he -saw Andrew Leslie at work, and his donkey up to his knees in one of his -own clover fields feeding luxuriously. - -"Hollo! Andrew," said he, "I thought you told me your cuddy would eat -nothing but nettles and thistles." - -"Ay," was the reply, "but he misbehaved the day; he nearly kicked me -ower his head, sae I put him in there just to punish him!" - - -="Plucked!"= - -Scotch parish schoolmasters are, on their appointment, examined as to -their literary qualifications. One of the fraternity being called by his -examiner to translate Horace's ode beginning, "Exegi monumentum aere -perennius," commenced as follows: "Exegi monumentum--I have eaten a -mountain." - -"Ah," said one of the examiners, "ye needna proceed any further; for -after eatin' sic a dinner, this parish wad be a puir mouthfu' t' ye. Ye -maun try some wider sphere." - - -=An Instance of Scott's Pleasantry= - -Sir Walter Scott was never wanting in something pleasant to say, even on -the most trivial occasions. Calling one day at Huntly Burn, soon after -the settlement of his friend in that house, and observing a fine -honeysuckle in full blossom over the door, he congratulated Miss -Ferguson on its appearance. She remarked that it was the kind called -trumpet honeysuckle, from the form of the flower. "Weel," said Scott, -"ye'll never come out o' your ain door without a flourish o' trumpets." - - -=Turning His Father's Weakness to Account= - -Many good stories are told of old Dr. Lawson, a Presbyterian minister in -Scotland, who was so absent-minded that he sometimes was quite -insensible of the world around him. One of his sons, who afterwards -became a highly esteemed Christian minister, was a very tricky boy, -perhaps mischievous in his tricks. - -Near the manse lived an old woman, of crabbed temper, and rather ungodly -in her mode of living. She and the boy had quarreled, and the result was -that he took a quiet opportunity to kill one of her hens. She went -immediately to Dr. Lawson and charged his son with the deed. She was -believed; and, as it was not denied, punishment was inflicted. He was -ordered to abide in the house; and to make the sentence more severe his -father took him into the _study_, and commanded him to sit there with -him. - -The son was restless, and frequently eyed the door. At last he saw his -father drowned in thought, and quietly slipped out. He went directly to -the old woman's and killed another hen, returning immediately and taking -his place in the library, his father having never missed him. - -The old woman speedily made her appearance, and charged the slaughter -again upon him. - -Dr. Lawson, however, waxed angry--declared her to be a false accuser, as -the boy had been closeted with him all the time--adding: "Besides, this -convinces me that you had just as little ground for your last -accusation; I therefore acquit him of both, and he may go out now." - -The woman went off in high dudgeon, and the prisoner in high glee. - - -=Curious Idea of the Evidence for Truth= - -Jean M'Gown had been telling a story to some friends who seemed inclined -to doubt the truth thereof, when Jean, turning round quite indignantly, -said, "It mon be true, for father read it out o' a _bound book_!" - - -=Dry Weather, and Its Effects on the Ocean= - -The family of Mr. Torrance were about leaving the town of Strathaven, -for America. Tibby Torrance, an old maiden sister of Mr. Torrance's was -to accompany them. - -Before they left, some of the neighbors were talking to Tibby of the -dangers of the "great deep," when she suddenly exclaimed, "Aweel, aweel, -it's been a gay dry summer, and I think the sea'll no' be very deep!" - - -=Laughing in the Pulpit--With Explanation= - -A Scotch Presbyterian minister stopped one morning, in the middle of his -discourse, laughing out loud and long. After a while he composed his -face, and finished the service without any explanation of his -extraordinary conduct. - -The elders, who had often been annoyed with his peculiarities, thought -this a fit occasion to remonstrate with him. They did so during the noon -intermission, and insisted upon the propriety of his making an -explanation in the afternoon. To this he readily assented; and after the -people were again assembled, and while he was standing, book in hand, -ready to begin the service, he said: - -"Brethren, I laughed in midst of the service this mornin', and the gude -eldership came and talked wi' me aboot it, and I towld them I would make -an apology to you at once, and that I am now aboot to do. As I was -preaching to you this mornin', I saw the deil come in that door wi' a -long parchment in his hand, as long as my arm; and as he came up that -side he tuk down the names of all that were asleep, an' then he went -down the ither side, and got only twa seats down, and by that time the -parchment was full. The deil looked along down the aisle, and saw a -whole row of sleepers, and no room for their names; so he stretched it -till it tore; and he laughed, and I couldn't help it but laugh, too--and -that's my apology. Sing the Fiftieth Psalm." - - -=A Good Judge of Accent= - -A Canadian bishop, well known for his broad Scotch accent as well as his -belief that it was not perceptible, was called upon by a brother Scot -one day, whom he had not seen for several years. Among other questions -asked of him by the bishop was, "How long have you been in Canada?" - -"About sax years," was the reply. - -"Hoot, mon," says the bishop, "why hae ye na lost your accent, like -mysel'?" - - -="Haudin' His Stick"= - -On my first visit to Edinburgh, having heard a great deal of the -oratorical powers of some of the members of the General Assembly, I was -anxious to hear and judge for myself. I accordingly paid an early visit -to it. Seated next me I saw an elderly, hard-featured, sober-looking -man, leaning with both hands on a stick and eyeing the stick with great -earnestness, scarcely even moving his eyes to right or left. - -My attention was soon directed to the speaker above me, who had opened -the discourse of the day. The fervidness of his eloquence, his great -command of language, and the strangeness of his manner excited my -attention in an unusual degree. I wished to know who he was, and applied -to my neighbor, the sober-looking, hard-featured man. - -"Pray, sir, can you tell me who is speaking now?" - -The man turned on me a defiant and contemptuous look for my ignorance, -and answered, looking reverently at the cane on which his hands were -imposed: "Sir, that's the great Docther Chawmers, and I'm haudin' his -stick!" [16] - - -=Indiscriminate Humor= - -The late Archibald Constable, the well-known Edinburgh publisher, was -somewhat remarkable in his day for the caustic severity of his speech, -which, however, was only a thin covering to a most amiable, if somewhat -overbearing, disposition. - -On one occasion a partner of the London publishing house of Longman, -Hurst, Rees, Orme & Brown was dining with Mr. C----, at his country seat -near the beautiful village of Lasswade. Looking out of the window, the -Londoner remarked, "What a pretty lake, and what beautiful swans!" - -"Lake, mon, and swans!--it's nae a lake, it's only a pond; and they're -naething but geese. You'll maybe noteece that they are just five of -them; and Baldy, that ne'er-do-weel bairn there, caws them Longman, -Hurst, Rees, Orme and Brown!" - -Sir Walter Scott, in telling the story, was wont to add: "That skit cost -the 'crafty' many a guinea, for the cockney was deeply offended, as well -he might be, not knowing the innocent intent with which his Scotch -friend made such speeches." - - -=Scotch Undergraduates and Funerals= - -The reported determination of a Scottish professor not to allow the -students of his class more than one funeral in each family this session -sounds like a grim joke; but it is fair to note that this gentleman, who -has presumptively some experience of the ways of undergraduates, was -lately reported to have come to the conclusion that the very high rate -of mortality of late among the relatives of members of his class has -been "artificially produced." Dark reminders of the hero of "Ruddigore," -who was bound by the decrees of fate to commit one crime a day, have -been heard in connection with this mysterious reference; but the -_University Correspondent_ has thrown a little light on the subject. The -suggestion is that the northern undergraduate--not unlike his English -brother--when he is feeling a little bored by his surroundings at the -university, has a habit of producing a sad telegram informing him of the -demise of a maiden aunt or second-cousin who never existed. [17] - - -=Honest Johnny M'Cree= - -In one of his speeches Sheridan says: I remember a story told respecting -Mr. Garrick, who was once applied to by an eccentric Scotchman to -introduce a work of his on the stage. This Scotchman was such a -good-humored fellow, that he was called "honest Johnny M'Cree." - -Johnny wrote four acts of a tragedy which he showed to Mr. Garrick, who -dissuaded him from finishing it, telling him that his talent did not lie -that way; so Johnny abandoned the tragedy, and set about writing a -comedy. When this was finished he showed it to Mr. Garrick, who found it -to be still more exceptionable than the tragedy, and of course could not -be persuaded to bring it forward on the stage. - -This surprised poor Johnny, and he remonstrated. "Nay, now, David," said -Johnny, "did you not tell me that my talents did not lie in tragedy?" - -"Yes," said Garrick, "but I did not tell you that they lay in comedy." - -"Then," exclaimed Johnny, "gin they dinna lie there, where the deil -dittha lie, mon?" - - -=Heaven Before it was Wanted= - -A Scotch newspaper relates that a beggar wife, on receiving a gratuity -from the Rev. John Skinner, of Langside, author of "Tullochgorum," said -to him by way of thanks, "Oh, sir, I houp that ye and a' your family -will be in heaven the nicht." - -"Well," said Skinner, "I am very much obliged to you; only you need not -have just been so particular as to the time." - - -=Curious Delusion Concerning Light= - -A hard-headed Scotchman, a first-rate sailor and navigator, he, like -many other people, had his craze, which consisted in looking down with -lofty contempt upon such deluded mortals as supposed that light was -derived from the sun! Yet he gazed on that luminary day after day as he -took its meridian altitude and was obliged to temper his vision with the -usual piece of dark-colored glass. - -"How," I asked him, "do you account for light if it is not derived from -the sun?" - -"Weel," he said, "it comes from the eer; but you will be knowing all -about it some day." - -He was of a taciturn nature, but of the few remarks which he did make -the usual one was, "Weel, and so yer think that light comes from the -sun, do yer? Weel! ha, ha!" and he would turn away with a contemptuous -chuckle. [18] - - -=Less Sense than a Sheep= - -Lord Cockburn, the proprietor of Bonally, was sitting on a hillside with -a shepherd; and observing the sheep reposing in the coolest situation he -observed to him, "John, if I were a sheep, I would lie on the other side -of the hill." The shepherd answered, "Ay, my lord, but if ye had been a -sheep, ye would hae mair sense." - - -=Consoled by a Relative's Lameness= - -For authenticity of one remark made by the Rev. Walter Dunlop I can -readily vouch. Some time previous to the death of his wife Mr. Dunlop -had quarreled with that lady's brother--a gentleman who had the -misfortune to lose a leg, and propelled himself by means of a stick -substitute. - -When engaged with two of the deacons of his church, considering the -names of those to whom "bids" to the funeral should be sent, one -observed, "Mr. Dunlop, ye maun send ane to Mr. ----" naming the -obnoxious relative. - -"Ou, ay," returned the minister, striving that his sense of duty should -overcome his reluctance to the proposal. "Ye can send _him_ ane." Then -immediately added, with much gravity, and in a tone that told the vast -relief which the reflection afforded, "He'll no be able to come up the -stairs." [4] - - -=Curious Sentence= - -Some years ago the celebrated Edward Irving had been lecturing at -Dumfries, and a man who passed as a wag in that locality had been to -hear him. - -He met Watty Dunlop the following day, who said, "Weel, Willie, man, an' -what do ye think of Mr. Irving?" - -"Oh," said Willie contemptuously, "the man's crack't." - -Dunlop patted him on the shoulder, with a quiet remark, "Willie, ye'll -aften see a light peeping through a crack!" [7] - - -=Too Canny to Admit Anything Particular= - -An elder of the parish kirk of Montrose was suspected of illegal -practices, and the magistrates being loth to prosecute him, privately -requested the minister to warn the man that his evil doings were known, -and that if he did not desist he would be punished and disgraced. The -minister accordingly paid the elder a visit, but could extort neither -confession nor promise of amendment from the delinquent. - -"Well, Sandy," said the minister, as he rose to retire from his -fruitless mission, "you seem to think your sins cannot be proved before -an earthly tribunal, but you may be assured that they will all come out -in the day of judgment." - -"Verra true, sir," replied the elder, calmly. "An' it is to be hoped for -the credit of the kirk that neither yours nor mine come oot afore then." - - -=Mortifying Unanimity= - - I said, to one who picked me up, - Just slipping from a rock, - "I'm not much good at climbing, eh?" - "No, sirr, ye arrrn't," quoth Jock. - - I showed him then a sketch I'd made, - Of rough hill-side and lock; - "I'm not an artist, mind," I said; - "No, sirr, ye arrrn't," quoth Jock. - - A poem, next, I read aloud-- - One of my num'rous stock; - "I'm no great poet," I remarked; - "No, sirr, ye arrrn't," said Jock. - - Alas! I fear I well deserved - (Although it proved a shock), - In answer to each modest sham, - That plain retort from Jock. - - -=A Consoling "If"= - -Bannockburn is always the set-off to Flodden in popular estimation, and -without it Flodden would be a sore subject. - -"So you are going to England to practice surgery," said a Scottish -lawyer to a client, who had been a cow-doctor; "but have you skill -enough for your new profession!" - -"Hoots! ay! plenty o' skill!" - -"But are you not afraid ye may sometimes kill your patients, if you do -not study medicine for awhile as your proper profession?" - -"Nae fear! and if I do kill a few o' the Southrons, it will take a great -deal of killing to mak' up for Flodden!" - - -=Happy Escape from an Angry Mob= - -The most famous surgeon in Edinburgh, towards the close of the last -(the eighteenth) century, was certainly Mr. Alexander Wood, Member of -the Incorporation of Chirurgeons, or what is now called the Royal -College of Surgeons. In these days he was known by no other name than -Lang Sandy Wood (or "Wud," as it was pronounced). He deserves to be -remembered as the last man in Edinburgh who wore a cocked hat and sword -as part of his ordinary dress, and the first who was known to carry an -umbrella. - -It is generally supposed that he was induced to discontinue the wearing -of the sword and cocked hat by an unfortunate accident which very nearly -happened to him about 1792. At that time the then lord provost, or -chief magistrate of the city, a Mr. Stirling, was very unpopular with -the lower orders of society, and one dark night, as Sandy was -proceeding over the North Bridge on some errand of mercy, he was -met by an infuriated mob on their way from the "closes" of the old -town to burn the provost's house in revenge for some wrong--real or -imaginary--supposed to be inflicted by that functionary. Catching sight -of an old gentleman in a cocked hat and sword, they instantly concluded -that this must be the provost--these two articles of dress being then -part of the official attire of the Edinburgh chief magistrate. Then -arose the cry of "Throw him over the bridge"--a suggestion no sooner -made than it was attempted to be carried into execution. - -The tall old surgeon was in mortal terror, and had barely time to gasp -out, just as he was carried to the parapet of the bridge, "Gude folk, -I'm no' the provost. Carry me to a lamp post an' ye'll see I'm Lang -Sandy Wood!" - -With considerable doubt whether or not the obnoxious magistrate was not -trying to save his life by trading on the popularity of Sandy, they -carried him to one of the dim oil-lamps, with which the city was then -lit, and after scanning his face closely, satisfied themselves of the -truth of their victim's assertion. Then came a revulsion of feeling, and -amid shouts of applause the popular surgeon was carried to his residence -on the shoulders of the mob. - - -=The End Justifying the Means= - -Sandy Wood had the most eccentric ways of curing people. One of his -patients, the Hon. Mrs. ----, took it into her head that she was a hen, -and that her mission in life was to hatch eggs. So firmly did this -delusion take possession of her mind that, by-and-bye she found it -impossible to rise off her seat, lest the eggs should get cold. Sandy -encouraged the mania, and requested that he might have the pleasure of -taking a "dish of tea" with her that evening, and that she would have -the very best china on the table. - -She cordially agreed to this, and when her guest arrived in the evening -he found the tea-table covered with some very valuable crockery, which -did not belie its name, for it had really been imported from China by a -relative of the lady, an East Indian Nabob. - -The surgeon made a few remarks about the closeness of the room, asked -permission to raise the window, and then, watching an opportunity when -the hostess' eye was upon him, he seized the trayful of fragile ware and -feigned to throw them out of the window. - -The lady screamed, and, forgetful in her fright of her supposed -inability to rise, she rushed from her seat to arrest the arm of the -vandal. - -The task was not a hard one, for the eccentric old surgeon laughed as he -replaced the tray on the table, and escorted his patient to her seat. -The spell had been broken, and nothing more was ever heard of the -egg-hatching mania. - - * * * * * - -Another lady patient of his had a tumor in her throat, which threatened -her death if it did not burst. She entirely lost her voice, and all his -efforts to reach the seat of the malady were unavailing. As a last -resort, he quietly placed the poker in the fire; and after in vain -attempting to get his patient to scream, so as to burst the tumor, he -asked her to open her mouth, and seizing the then red-hot poker, he made -a rush with it to her throat. The result was a yell of terror from the -thoroughly frightened patient, which effected what he had long -desired--the breaking of the tumor, and her recovery. - - -=A Lecture on Baldness--Curious Results= - -Edinburgh laughed heartily, but was not at all scandalized, when one -famous university professor kicked another famous professor in the same -faculty, down before him from near the North Bridge to where the -Register House now stands. The _casus belli_ was simple, but, as -reported, most irritating. - -The offending professor was lecturing to his class one morning, and -happened to say that baldness was no sign of age. "In fact, gentlemen," -said the suave professor, "it's no sign at all, nor the converse. I was -called in very early yesterday morning to see the wife of a -distinguished colleague, a lady whose raven locks have long been the -pride of rout and ball. It was in the morning, and I caught the lady in -deshabille, and would you believe it, the raven locks were all fudge, -and the lady was as bald as the palm of my hand." - -The professor said nothing more, but no sooner was his lecture ended -than the students casually inquired of the coachman whom the professor -was called to see yesterday morning. The coachman, innocently enough, -answered, "Oh, Mrs. Prof. ----." - -This was enough, and so before four-and-twenty hours went round, the -story came to Prof. A---- that Prof. B---- had said, in his class, that -Mrs. Prof. A---- wore a wig. For two days they did not meet, and when -they did, the offender was punished in the ignominious manner described. - - -=A Miserly Professor= - -An Edinburgh professor was noted for his miserly habits, though, in -reality, he was a rich man and the proprietor of several ancestral -estates. He once observed a Highland student--proverbially a poor -set--about to pick up a penny in the college quad, but just as he was -about to pick it up, the learned professor gave him a push, which sent -the poor fellow right over, when Dr. ---- cooly pocketed the coin and -walked on, amid the laughter of a crowd of students who were watching -the scene. He did not always stick at trifles. Going down the crowded -street he saw a street boy pick up a shilling. Instantly the professor -chucked it out of the boy's hand, and then, holding it between his thumb -and forefinger, with his gold-headed cane in the other, carefully -guarding it, he read out to the whimpering boy a long lecture on honesty -being the best policy; how the "coin" was not his; how it might belong -to some poor man whose family might be suffering for the want of that -coin, and so on, concluding by pocketing the shilling, and charging the -finder that "if ever he heard of anybody having lost that shilling, to -say that Prof. ---- had got it. Everybody knows me. It is quite safe. -Honesty, my lad, is always the best policy. Remember that, and read your -catechism well." - - * * * * * - -On one occasion he was called, in consultation with Prof. Gregory, about -a patient of his who happened to be a student of medicine. The day -previously, however, Dr. Gregory had called alone, and on going away was -offered the customary guinea. This the stately physician firmly refused; -he never took fees from students. The patient replied that Prof. ---- -did. Immediately Gregory's face brightened up. "I will be here to-morrow -in consultation with him. Be good enough to offer me a fee before him, -sir." - -To-morrow came, and the student did as he had been requested. - -"What is that, sir?" the professor answered, looking at his proffered -guinea: "A fee, sir! Do you mean to insult me, sir? What do you take us -to be--cannibals? Do we live on one another? No, sir. The man who could -take a fee from a student of his own profession ought to be -kicked--kicked, sir, out of the faculty! Good morning!" and with that -the celebrated physician walked to the door, in well-affected -displeasure. Next day, to the astonishment of the patient, Prof. ---- -sent a packet with all the fees returned. - -It is said that he once took a bag of potatoes for a fee, and ever after -boasted of his generosity in the matter: "The man was a poor man, sir. -We must be liberal, sir. Our Master enjoins it on us, and it is -recommended in a fine passage in the admirable aphorisms of Hippocrates. -The man had no money, sir, so I had to deal gently with him, and take -what he had; though as a rule--as a rule--I prefer the modern to the -ancient exchange, _pecunia_ instead of _pecus_. Hah! hah!" - - -=Silencing English Insolence= - -"There never was a Scotchman" said an insolent cockney, at Stirling, to -a worthy Scot, who was acting as guide to the castle "who did not want -to get out of Scotland almost as soon as he got into it." - -"That such may be the fack, I'll no' gainsay," replied the Scot. "There -were about twenty thousand o' your countrymen, and mair, who wanted to -get out of Scotland on the day of Bannockburn. But they could na' win. -And they're laying at Bannockburn the noo; and have never been able to -get out o' Scotland yet." - - * * * * * - -It was Johnson's humor to be anti-Scottish. He objected theoretically to -haggis, though he ate a good plateful of it. - -"What do you think o' the haggis?" asked the hospitable old lady, at -whose table he was dining, seeing that he partook so plentifully of it. - -"Humph!" he replied, with his mouth full, "it's very good food for -hogs!" - -"Then let me help you to some mair o' 't," said the lady, helping him -bountifully. - - -=Helping Business= - -Prof. James Gregory, perhaps the most celebrated physician of his day, -but who, in popular estimation, is dolefully remembered as the inventor -of a nauseous compound known as Gregory's Mixture. He was a tall and -very handsome man, and stately and grave in all his manners, but, -withal, with a touch of Scotch humor in him. One evening, walking home -from the university, he came upon a street row or bicker, a sort of -town-and-gown-riot very common in those days. Observing a boy -systematically engaged in breaking windows, he seized him, and inquired, -in the sternest voice, what he did that for. - -"Oh," was the reply, "my master's a glazier, and I'm trying to help -business." - -"Indeed. Very proper; very proper, my boy," Dr. Gregory answered, and, -as he proceeded to maul him well with his cane, "you see I must follow -your example. I'm a doctor, and must help business a little." And with -that, he gave a few finishing whacks to the witty youth, and went off -chuckling at having turned the tables on the glazier's apprentice. - - -=Sandy Wood's Proposal of Marriage= - -When proposing to his future wife's father for his daughter, the old -gentleman took a pinch of snuff and said, "Weel, Sandy, lad, I've -naething again' ye, but what have ye to support a wife on?" - -Sandy's reply was to pull a case of lancets out of his pocket with the -remark, "These!" - - -=Rival Anatomists in Edinburgh University= - -Perhaps the most eminent teacher of anatomy in Edinburgh, or in Britain, -early in this century, was Dr. Robert Knox. He was a man abounding in -anything but the milk of human kindness towards his professional -brethren, and if people had cared in those days to go to law about -libels, it is to be feared Knox would have been rarely out of a court of -law. Personality and satirical allusions were ever at his tongue's end. -After attracting immense classes his career came very suddenly to a -close. Burke and Hare, who committed such atrocious murders to supply -the dissecting-room with "subjects" were finally discovered, and one of -them executed--the other turning king's evidence. Knox's name got mixed -up with the case, being supposed to be privy to these murders, though -many considered him innocent. The populace, however, were of a -different opinion. Knox's house was mobbed, and though he braved it out, -he never after succeeded in regaining popular esteem. He was a splendid -lecturer, and a man, who, amid all his self-conceit and malice, could -occasionally say a bitingly witty thing. - -It is usual with lecturers at their opening lecture to recommend -text-books, and accordingly Knox would commence as follows: "Gentlemen, -there are no text-books I can recommend. I wrote one myself, but it is -poor stuff. I can't recommend it. The man who knows most about a subject -writes worst on it. If you want a good text-book on any subject, -recommend me to the man who knows nothing earthly about the subject. The -result is that we have no good text-book on anatomy. We _will_ have -soon, however--Prof. Monro is going to write one." - -That was the finale, and, of course, brought down the house, when, with -a sinister expression on his face, partly due to long sarcasm, and -partly to the loss of an eye, he would bow himself out of the -lecture-room. - -The Prof. Monro referred to by Knox was the professor of anatomy of -Edinburgh University, and the _third_ of that name who had filled the -chair for one hundred and twenty years. He succeeded his father and -grandfather, as if by right of birth--and if it was not by that right he -had no other claim to fill that chair. - -Knox lectured at a different hour from Monro, namely, exactly five -minutes after the conclusion of the latter's lecture. Accordingly the -students tripped over from Monro to Knox, greatly to the annoyance, but -in no way to the loss of the former. It may well be supposed that during -their forced attendance on Monro's lectures they did not spend much time -in listening to what he had to say. In fact they used to amuse -themselves during the hour of his lecture, and always used to organize -some great field days during the session. So lazy was Monro that he was -in the habit of using his grandfather's lectures, written more than one -hundred years before. They were--as was the fashion then--written in -Latin, but his grandson gave a free translation as he proceeded, -without, however, taking the trouble to alter the dates. Accordingly, in -1820 or 1830, students used to be electrified to hear him slowly -drawling out, "When I was in Padua in 1694--" This was the signal for -the fun to begin. On the occasion when this famous speech was known to -be due, the room was always full, and no sooner was it uttered than -there descended showers of peas on the head of the devoted professor, -who, to the end of his life could never understand what it was all -about. [19] - - -="Discretion--the Better Part of Valor"= - -A spirited ballad was written on the Jacobite victory at Prestonpans by -a doughty Haddingtonshire farmer of the name of Skirving, in which he -distributed his praise and blame among the combatants in the most -impartial manner. Among others, he accused one "Lieutenant Smith, of -Irish birth," of leaping over the head of "Major Bowie, that worthy -soul," when lying wounded on the ground, and escaping from the field, -instead of rendering the assistance for which the sufferer called. -Smith, being aggrieved, sent the author a challenge to meet him at -Haddington. "Na, na," said the worthy farmer, who was working in his -field when the hostile message reached him, "I have no time to gang to -Haddington, but tell Mr. Smith to come here, and I'll tak' a look at -him. If he's a man about my ain size, I'll ficht him; but if he's muckle -bigger and stronger, I'll do just as he did--I'll run awa'!" - - -=Losing His Senses= - -A census taker tells the following story: The first difficulty I -experienced was with Old Ronaldson. He was always a little queer, as old -bachelors often are. As I left the census paper with him, he held the -door in one hand while he took the paper from me in the other. I said I -would call again for the paper. "Ye needn't trouble yourself!" said he, -in a very ill-natured tone; "I'll not be bothered with your papers." -However, I did not mind him much; for I thought when he discovered that -the paper had nothing to do with taxes he would feel more comfortable, -and that he would fill it up properly. - -The only person whom Old Ronaldson allowed near him was Mrs. Birnie; she -used to put his house in order and arrange his washing: for Ronaldson -was an old soldier; and although he had a temper, he was perfect in his -dress and most orderly in all his household arrangements. When Mrs. -Birnie went in her usual way to his house on the morning referred to, -the old gentleman was up and dressed; but he was in a terrible temper, -flurried and greatly agitated. - -"Good morning, sir," said Mrs. Birnie--I had the particular words from -her own lips--"Good morning," said she; but Old Ronaldson, who was as a -rule extremely polite to her, did not on this occasion reply. His -agitation increased. He fumbled in all his pockets; pulled out and in -all the drawers of his desk; turned the contents of an old chest out on -the floor--all the time accompanying his search with muttered -imprecations, which at length broke into a perfect storm. - -Mrs. Birnie had often seen Mr. Ronaldson excited before, but she had -never seen him in such a state as this. At length he approached an old -bookcase and, after looking earnestly about and behind it, he suddenly -seized and pulled it toward him, when a lot of old papers fell on the -floor, and a perfect cloud of dust filled the room. Mrs. Birnie stood -dumbfounded. At length the old gentleman, covered with dust and -perspiring with his violent exertions, sat down on the corner of his -bed, and in a most wretched tone of voice said: "Oh, Mrs. Birnie, don't -be alarmed, but I've lost my _senses_!" - -"I was just thinking as much myself," said Mrs. Birnie; and off she ran -to my house at the top of her speed. "Oh, Mr. M'Lauchlin," said she, -"come immediately--come this very minute; for Old Ronaldson's clean mad. -He's tearing his hair, and cursing in a manner most awful to hear; and -worse than that--he's begun to tear down the house about himself. Oh, -sir, come immediately, and get him put in a strait jacket." - -Of course I at once sent for old Dr. Macnab, and asked him to fetch a -certificate for an insane person with him. Now, old Dr. Macnab is a -cautious and sensible man. His bald head and silvery hair, his beautiful -white neck-cloth and shiny black coat, not to speak of his silver-headed -cane and dignified manner, all combined to make our doctor an authority -in the parish. - -"Ay, ay," said the good doctor, when he met me; "I always feared the -worst about Mr. Ronaldson. Not good for man to be alone, sir. I always -advised him to take a wife. Never would take my advice. You see the -result, Mr. M'Lauchlin. However, we must see the poor man." - -When we arrived, we found all as Mrs. Birnie had said; indeed by this -time matters had become worse and worse, and a goodly number of the -neighbors were gathered. One old lady recommended that the barber should -be sent for to shave Ronaldson's head. This was the least necessary, as -his head, poor fellow, was already as bald and smooth as a ball of -ivory. Another kind neighbor had brought in some brandy, and Old -Ronaldson had taken several glasses, and pronounced it capital; which -everyone said was a sure sign "he was coming to himself." One of his -tender-hearted neighbors, who had helped herself to a breakfast cupful -of this medicine, was shedding tears profusely, and as she kept rocking -from side to side, nursing her elbows, she cried bitterly: "Poor Mr. -Ronaldson's lost his senses!" - -The instant Dr. Macnab appeared, Old Ronaldson stepped forward, shook -him warmly by the hand, and said: "I'm truly glad to see you, doctor. -You will soon put it all right. I have only lost my _senses_--that's -all! That's what all these women are making this row about." - -"Let me feel your pulse," said the doctor gently. - -"Oh, nonsense, doctor," cried Ronaldson--"nonsense; I've only lost my -_senses_." And he made as if he would fly at the heap of drawers, dust, -and rubbish which lay in the centre of the floor, and have it all raked -out again. - -"Oh, lost your senses, have you?" said the doctor with a bland smile. -"You'll soon get over that--that's a trifle." But he deliberately pulled -out his big gold repeater and held Ronaldson by the wrist. "Just as I -feared. Pulse ninety-five, eye troubled, face flushed, muckle -excitement," etc. So there and then, Old Ronaldson was doomed. I did not -wish a painful scene; so, when I got my certificate signed by the -doctor, I quietly slipped out, got a pair of horses and a close -carriage, and asked Mr. Ronaldson to meet me, if he felt able, at the -inn in half an hour, as I felt sure a walk in the open air would do him -good. He gladly fell in with this plan, and promised to be with me at -noon certain. - -As I have said, he is an old soldier, was an officer's servant in fact, -and is a most tidy and punctual person. But old Mrs. Birnie had, with -much thoughtfulness, the moment he began to make preparations for this, -put his razors out of the way. Hereupon he got worse and worse, stamped -and stormed, and at last worked himself into a terrible passion. I grew -tired waiting at the inn, and so returned, and found him in a sad state. -When he saw me, he cried: "Oh, Mr. M'Lauchlin, the deil's in this house -this day." - -"Very true," said Mrs. Birnie to me in an aside. "You see, sir, he -speaks sense--whiles." - -"Everything has gone against me this day," he went on; "but," said he, -"I'll get out of this if my beard never comes off. Hand me my Wellington -boots, Mrs. Birnie; I hope you have not swallowed them, too!" - -The moment Ronaldson began to draw on his boots, affairs changed as if -by magic. "There," cried he triumphantly--"There is that confounded -paper of yours which has made all this row! See, Mrs. Birnie," he -exclaimed, flourishing my census paper in his hand; "_I've found my -senses_!" - -"Oh," cried the much affected widow, "I am glad to hear it," and in her -ecstatic joy she rushed upon the old soldier, took his head to her -bosom, and wept for joy. I seized the opportunity to beat a hasty -retreat, and left the pair to congratulate each other upon the happy -finding of Old Ronaldson's _senses_. - - -=It's a Gran' Nicht= - -The following is a fine comic sketch of an interview between a Scotch -peasant lover and "Kirsty," his sweetheart, who was only waiting for him -to speak. It is in fine contrast with the confident, rushing away in -which that sort of thing is done in other countries. - -The young lover stands by the cottage gable in the fading light, -declaring, "It's a gran' nicht!" Ever so often he says it, yet he feels -its grandeur not at all, for the presence of something grander or -better, I suppose--the maiden, Kirsty Grant. Does he whisper soft -somethings of her betterness, I wonder, while thus he lingers? His only -communication is the important fact, "It's a gran' nicht." He would -linger, blessed in her presence, but the closing day warns him to be -gone. It will be midnight before he can reach his village home miles -away. Yet was it sweet to linger. "It's a very gran' nicht, but I maun -haist awa'. Mither 'ill be wunnerin'," said he. - -"'Deed, ye'll hae tae draw yer feet gey fast tae win hame afore the -Sabbath; sae e'en be steppin'," she answered, cooly. - -"It's gran'!" said he; "I wish ilka Saiturday nicht was lik' this ane." - -"Wi' ye, Saiturday nicht shud maist be lik' Sunday morn, if ye bevil it -richt," said she, with a toss of her head, for she rightly guessed that -somehow the lad's pleasure was referable to herself. "I maun shut up the -coo." - -"Good-nicht!" said he. - -"Good-nicht!" said she, disappearing. - -He stepped away in the muirland, making for home. "Isn't she smairt?" -said he to himself; "man, isn't she smairt? Said she, 'Saiturday nicht -shud aye be wi' ye lik' Sunday morn, if ye beviled it richt!' Was it na -a hint for me? Man, I wish I daur spaik oot to her!" - - -=A Highlander on Bagpipes= - -Mr. Barclay, an eminent Scotch artist, was engaged in painting a -Highland scene for Lord Breadalbane, in which his lordship's handsome -piper was introduced. When the artist was instructing him as to -attitude, and that he must maintain an appearance at once of animation -and ease by keeping up a conversation, the latter replied that he would -do his best, and commenced as follows: - -"Maister Parclay, ye read yer Bible at times, I _suppone_ (suppose), -sir?" - -"Oh, yes." - -"Weel, Maister Parclay, if ye do tat, sir, ten you've read te third and -fifth verses of te third chapter of Daniel, when te princes, te -governors, te captains, te judges, te treasurers, te counsellors, te -sheriffs and all te rulers of te provinces were gathered together into -te dedication of te image tat Nebuchadnezzar, te king, had set up, and -tey were told tat whenever tey began to hear te sound of te cornet, -flute, harp, sackbut, dulcimer, and all kinds of music, tey were to fall -down and worship te golden image that Nebuchadnezzar, te king, had set -up. I tell ye, Maister Parclay, if tey had a Hielandman, wi' his pipes -tere, tat nonsense would not hae happened. Na, na, he would hae sent tem -a' fleeing. It would hae been wi' tem as Bobby Burns said, 'Skirl up to -Bangor, for ye maun a' come back to te bagpipe at last.'" - - -=Walloping Judas= - -The late Dr. Adamson, of Cupar-Fife, colleague to Dr. Campbell, father -to the lord chancellor of that name, at a late Saturday night supper was -about to depart, alleging that he must prepare for the Sunday service. -For two previous Sundays he had been holding forth on Judas Iscariot, -and a member of his congregation, who sat at the table detained him -with: "Sit down, doctor, sit down; there's nae need for ye to gang awa'; -just gie Judas another wallop in the tow." - - -="'Alice' Brown, the Jaud!"= - -An old offender was, some years ago, brought up before a well-known -Glasgow magistrate. The constable, as a preliminary, informed his -bailieship that he had in custody John Anderson, _alias_ Brown, _alias_ -Smith. "Very weel," said the magistrate, with an air of dignity, "I'll -try the women first. Bring in Alice Brown! what has she been about, the -jaud?" - - -=Earning His Dismissal= - -Dean Ramsay tells an amusing story of the cool self-sufficiency of the -young Scottish domestic--a boy who, in a very quiet, determined way, -made his exit from a house into which he had lately been introduced. He -had been told that he should be dismissed if he broke any of the china -that was under his charge. - -On the morning of a great dinner party he was entrusted (rather rashly) -with a great load of plates, which he was to carry upstairs from the -kitchen to the dining-room, and which were piled up and rested upon his -two hands. - -In going upstairs his foot slipped, and the plates were broken to atoms. -He at once went up to the drawing-room, put his head in at the door, and -shouted, "The plates are a' smashed, and I'm awa'!" [7] - - -=Paris and Peebles Contrasted= - -In the memoir of Robert Chambers, by his brother William, allusion is -made to the exceedingly quiet town of Peebles, their birthplace, and the -strong local attachments of the Scottish people. An honest old burgher -of the town was enabled by some strange chance to visit Paris, and was -eagerly questioned, when he came back, as to the character of that -capital of capitals; to which he answered that, "Paris, a' things -considered, was a wonderful place; but still, Peebles for pleasure!" - - -=Short Measure= - -An old woman who had made a great deal of money by selling whiskey was -visited when on her death-bed by her minister, to whom she spake, as is -usual on such occasions, about her temporal as well as her spiritual -affairs. As to her temporalities, they seemed to be in a very -flourishing condition, for she was dying worth a very large sum of -money. - -"And so, Molly," said the minister, "you tell me you are worth so much -money?" - -"Indeed, minister," replied Molly, "I am." - -"And you tell me, too," continued the minister, "that you made all that -money by filling the noggin?" - -"Na, na, minister," said the dying woman; "I didna tell you _that_. I -made the maist of it by _not_ filling the noggin." - - -=Two Views of a Divine Call= - -Of Scotland's great preacher, the late Rev. Dr. Macleod, the following -is told: In visiting his Dalkeith parishioners to say farewell, he -called on one of those sharp-tongued old ladies whose privileged gibes -have added so much to the treasury of Scottish humor. - -To her he expressed his regret at leaving his friends at Dalkeith, but -stated that he considered his invitation to Glasgow in the light of "a -call from the Lord." - -"Ay, ay," was the sharp response; "but if the Lord hadna called you to a -better steepend, it might hae been lang gin ye had heard Him!" - - -=A Scotch View of Shakespeare= - -A Scotchman was asserting that some of the most celebrated poets and -brightest intellects the world ever produced were descendants of his -race, and quoted Scott, Burns, and others as evidence. - -An Englishman who was present retorted: "I suppose that you will claim -next that even Shakespeare was a Scotchman." - -"Weel," he replied, "I'm nae so sure o' that; but ane thing I do -ken--_he had intellect eneuch for a Scotchman_." - - -="As Guid Deid as Leevin!"= - -There was a mixture of shrewdness and simplicity in the following: -Shortly after the establishment of the Ministers' Widows' Fund, the -minister of Cranshaws asked in marriage the daughter of a small farmer -in the neighborhood. - -The damsel asked her father whether she should accept the clergyman's -offer. "Oh," said the sire, "tak' him, Jenny; he's as gude deid as -leevin." The farmer meant that his daughter would, owing to the new -fund, be equally well off a widow as a wife. - - -=The Mercy of Providence= - -An old minister was once visiting his hearers, and accosted a humble -farmer who had been lazy with his crops in the wet season. "I hear, -Jamie," said the minister, "that ye are behind with your harvest." - -"Oh, sir," was the reply, "I hae got it all in except three wee stacks, -and I leave them to the mercy of Providence." - - -=A Scotch Curtain Lecture on Profit and Pain= - -The man who said this was not an atheist, but simply a druggist--a -Scotch druggist--who was aroused by the ringing of his night-bell. He -arose, went downstairs, and served a customer with a dose of salts. - -His wife grumbled: "What profit do you get out of that penny?" - -"A ha'penny," was the reply. - -"And for that ha'penny you'll be awake a long time," rejoined the wife. - -"A-weel," replied the placid druggist, "the dose of salts will keep him -awake much longer; let us thank Heaven that we have the profit and not -the pain of the transaction." - - -=A Definition of "Fou"= - -A gentleman recently gave an entertainment in London on the -peculiarities of Scotchmen, in the course of which he gave this -definition of the national word _fou_: "Being gently excited by the -moderate use of dangerous beverages." - - -=The Journeyman Dog= - -A gentleman, staying in the family of a sheep-farmer, remarked that -daily as the family sat down to dinner a shepherd's dog came in, -received its portion, and soon after disappeared. - -"I never see that dog except at dinner," said the visitor. - -"The reason is," said the farmer, "we've lent him to oor neibor, Jamie -Nicol, and we telt him to come hame ilka day to his dinner. When he gets -his dinner, puir beast, he gaes awa' back till his wark." - - -=Church Economy= - -A congregation was once looking out for a minister, and after hearing a -host of candidates with more or less popular gifts, their choice fell -upon a sticket probationer, whose election caused great surprise in the -country. - -One of the hearers was afterward asked by an eminent minister how the -congregation could have brought themselves to select such a minister. - -His reply was quite characteristic: "Weel, we had twa or three -reasons--first, naebody recommended him; then he was nae studier, and -besides, he had money in the bank." - -It appeared that of the two former ministers, who had not come up to -expectation, one of them had brought flaming testimonials, and the other -had buried himself among his books, so that the people never saw him but -in the pulpit, while the third reason was, perhaps the most cogent of -all, for the people did not care to burden themselves with a too -generous support of their pastor. - -In another case the minister usurped the functions of session and -committee, and ignored the office bearers altogether. One of the elders -observed to another one Sunday morning, as the minister was trotting up -to the meeting-house on his smart little pony, "It's a fine wee powny -the minister rides." - -"Ay," said the other, "it's a gey strange ane; it can carry minister, -session, and committee without turnin' a hair." - - -=Tired of Standing= - -A Paisley man, visiting Glasgow, much admired the statue of Sir John -Moore, which is an erect figure. Soon afterwards he brought another -Paisley man to see the statue, but not being topographically posted, he -stared at the statue of James Watt, which is in a sitting attitude. -Feeling somewhat puzzled as to the identity of what was before him with -what he recollected to have seen, he disposed of the difficulty by -exclaiming: "Odds, man, he's sat down since I last saw him!" - - -=Religious Loneliness= - -"How is your church getting on?" asked a friend of a religious -Scotchman, who had separated in turn from the Kirk, the Free Church, the -United Presbyterian, and several lesser bodies. - -"Pretty weel, pretty weel. There's naebody belongs to it now but my -brither and mysel', and I am sure o' Sandy's soundness." - - -=Prison Piety= - -Every place has its advantages, even the lock-up. A Scotch "gentleman," -who had been guilty of some irregularity that demanded his compulsory -withdrawal from polite society for sixty days, was asked, after his -release, as to how he "got on." - -"Weel," replied he, "ye see, a body canna hae everything in this life; -and I'm no gaun to misca' the place, no' me. For a' the time I was -there--just twa months, note, by-the-by--I was weel proteckit frae the -wiles o' a wickit worl' outside, while my 'bread was aye gi'en me and my -water sure.'" - - -=A Successful Tradesman= - -One day, during a snow storm, the Rev. George More was riding from -Aberdeen to a village in the vicinity of the town. He was enveloped in a -Spanish cloak, and had a shawl tied round his neck and shoulders. These -loose garments, covered with snow, and waving in the blast, startled the -horse of a "bag-man," who chanced to ride past. The alarmed steed -plunged, and very nearly threw its rider, who exclaimed: - -"Why, sir, you would frighten the very devil!" - -"I am glad to hear that," said Mr. More, "for it's just my trade." - - -=Multum in Parvo= - -A Highland porter, observing a stranger looking intently on the Rev. Dr. -Candlish, who was of small stature, said, "Ay, tak' a gude look--there's -no muckle _o'_ him, but there's a deal _in_ him!" - - -=When Asses May Not Be Parsons= - -In the pulpit one-half of Dr. Guthrie's rich nature was necessarily -restrained. He could be pathetic there, but not humorous; though we did -once hear him begin a sermon by saying that God on one occasion used an -ass to preach to a sinner, but that He was not in the way of using asses -when He could get better instruments! - - -=A Scotch Version of the Lives of Esau and Jacob= - -Within the grounds of Hamilton Palace, in the west of Scotland, is a -mausoleum. The walls are ornamented with bas-reliefs forming Bible -illustrations. These have been paraphrased in verse by a local bard. One -of the series is a history of Jacob, and from it the following extracts -are taken. The brothers are thus introduced: - - When Esau and Jacob were boys, - A wild boy Esau was; - Jacob was a peaceable boy, - But Esau loved the chase. - One day from hunting he came home, - A hungry man was he; - Jacob some famous pottage had, - Which soon caught Esau's e'e. - -Rebekah instructs Jacob in the proposed deception of Isaac, but he is -fearful of discovery. The former replies: - - No fear of that, my darling son; - Just do as I direct-- - I will you dress up for the scene, - That he will ne'er suspect. - -Jacob obeys: - - Away he went as he was bid, - And quickly he them slew; - His mother straightway did them cook - And made a fav'rite stew. - -Isaac is suspicious of Jacob: - - Then Isaac unto Jacob said, - "Come near to me, I pray, - That I may _feel_ it is the truth - That unto me you say." - Then Jacob he went unto him, - And he his hands did feel. - "The hands are Esau's hands, my son, - But it's like Jacob's squeal." - - -="Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady"= - -An anecdote is told of Professor Haldane, of St. Andrews, one of the -most estimable of men, yet, in spite of a pleasing person, a genial -manner, a good house and a handsome competency, he was well-advanced in -life before he could make up his mind to marry. When it was reported -that he had fitted up his house afresh, it was supposed that he was -going to change his state. On a given day, at an hour unusually early -for a call, the good doctor was seen at the house of a lady for whom he -had long been supposed to have a predilection, and betraying much -excitement of manner till the door was opened. - -As soon as he was shown in, and saw the fair one whom he sought calmly -engaged in knitting stockings, and not at all disturbed by his entrance, -his courage, like that of Bob Acres, began to ooze out, and he sat -himself down on the edge of the chair in such a state of pitiable -confusion as to elicit the compassion of the lady in question. She could -not understand what ailed him, but felt instinctively that the truest -good breeding would be to take no notice of his embarrassment, and lead -the conversation herself. - -Thus, then, she opened fire: "Weel, doctor, hae ye got through a' your -papering and painting yet?" (A clearing of the throat preparatory to -speech, but not a sound uttered.) "I'm told your new carpets are just -beautifu'." (A further effort to clear the throat.) "They say the -pattern o' the dining-room chairs is something quite out o' the way. In -short, that everything aboot the house is perfect." - -Here was a providential opening he was not such a goose as to overlook. -He screwed up his courage, advanced his chair, sidled toward her, -simpering the while, raised his eyes furtively to her face, and said, -with a gentle inflection of his voice which no ear but a wilfully deaf -one could have misinterpreted: "Na, na, Miss J----n, it's no' _quite_ -perfect; it canna be quite that so lang as there's ae thing wanting!" - -"And what can that be?" said the imperturbable spinster. - -Utterly discomfited by her wilful blindness to his meaning, the poor man -beat a hasty retreat, drew back his chair from its dangerous proximity, -caught up his hat, and, in tones of blighted hope, gasped forth his -declaration in these words; "Eh, dear! Well 'am sure! The thing wanted -is a--a--a _sideboord_!" - - -="Surely the Net is Spread in Vain in the Sight of any Bird"= - - Our May had an ee to a man, - Nae less than the newly-placed preacher, - And we plotted a dainty bit plan - For trappin' our spiritual teacher. - - Oh! but we were sly, - We were sly an' sleekit; - But, ne'er say a herrin' is dry-- - Until it's weel reestit an' reekit. - - We treated young Mr. M'Gock, - An' plied him wi' tea an' wi' toddy, - An' we praised every word that he spake, - Till we put him maist out o' the body. - - Oh! but we were sly, etc. - - Frae the kirk we were never awa', - Except when frae home he was helpin' - An' then May,--an' aften us a'-- - Gaed far an' near after him skelpin'. - - Oh! but we were sly, etc. - - We said aye what the neebors thocht droll, - That to hear him gang through wi' a sermon - Was--though a wee dry on the whole-- - As refreshin's the dew on Mount Hermon. - - Oh! but we were sly, etc. - - But to come to the heart o' the nit, - The dainty bit plan that we plotted - Was to get a subscription afit, - An' a watch to the minister voted. - - Oh! but we were sly, etc. - - The young women folk o' the kirk - By turns lent a han' in collectin', - But May took the feck o' the mark - An' the trouble the rest o' directin'. - - Oh! but we were sly, etc. - - A gran' watch was gotten belyve, - An' May, wi' sma' "priggin," consentit - To be ane o' a party o' five - To gang to the Manse an' present it. - - Oh! but we were sly, etc. - - We a' gied a word o' advice - To May in a deep consultation, - To hae something to say unco' nice, - An' to speak for the hale deputation. - - Oh! but we were sly, etc. - - Takin' present an' speech baith in han', - May delivered a bonny palaver, - To let Mr. M'Gock understan' - How zealous she was in his favor. - - Oh! but we were sly, etc. - - She said that the gift was to prove - That his female friends valued him highly, - But it couldna express _a'_ their love, - An' she glinted her ee at him slyly. - - Oh! but we were sly, etc. - - He put the gowd watch in his fab, - And proudly he said he wad wear it, - An' after some flatterin' gab, - He tauld May he was goin' to be marriet. - - Oh! but we were sly, - We were sly and sleekit, - But Mr. M'Gock was nae gowk, - Wi' our dainty bit plan to be cheekit. - - May came home wi' her heart in her mouth - An' frae that hour she turned a Dissenter, - An' noo she's renewin' her youth - Wi' some hopes o' the Burgher Precentor. - - Oh! but she was sly, - She was sly and sleekit, - An' cleverly opens ae door - As sune as anither is sleekit. - - -=A Highland Outburst of Gratitude and an Inburst of Hurricane= - -"Ah, my friends, what causes have we for gratitude--oh, yes;--for the -deepest gratitude! Look at the place of our habitation. How grateful -should we be that we do not leeve in the far north--oh, no!--amidst the -frost and snaw, and the cauld and the weet--oh, no!--where there's a -long day tae half o' the year--oh, yes!--and a lang nicht the -tither--oh, yes!--that we do not depend upon the aurawry boreawlis--oh, -no!--that we do net gang shivering aboot in skins--oh, no!--smoking -amang the snow like modiwarts--oh, no! no!--And how grateful should we -be that we do not leeve in the far south, beneath the equawtor, and a -sun aye burnin', burnin'; where the sky's het--ah, yes!--and yearth's -het, and the water's het, and ye're brunt black as a smiddy--ah, -yes!--where there's teegars--oh, yes!--and lions--oh, yes!--and -crocodiles--oh, yes!--and fearsome beasts growlin' and girnin' at ye -amang the woods; where the very air is a fever, like the burnin' breath -o' a fiery drawgon; that we do not leeve in these places--oh, no! no! -no! no!--but that we leeve in this blessit island of oors callit Great -Britain--oh, yes! yes! and in that pairt of it named Scotland, and in -that bit o' auld Scotland that looks up at Ben Nevis--oh, yes! yes! -yes!--where there's neither frost, nor cauld, nor wund, nor weet, nor -hail, nor rain, nor teegars, nor lions, nor burnin' suns, nor -hurricanes, nor----" - -Here a tremendous blast of wind and rain from Ben Nevis blew in the -windows of the kirk, and brought the preacher's eloquence to an abrupt -conclusion. - - -=A Different Thing Entirely= - -While surveying the west coast of Scotland, Captain Robinson had -received on board his ship the Grand Duke Constantine. As the duke could -only remain a very short time, the captain resolved to show him as much -as possible during his brief stay. Accordingly he steamed to Iona on a -Sunday, believing that day especially suited for pointing out to his -royal visitor remains associated with religion. Landing on the island he -waited on the custodian of the ancient church with the request that he -would open it. - -"Not so," said the keeper; "not on Sunday." - -"Do you know whom I have brought to the island?" said the captain. - -"He's the Emperor o' a' the Russias, I ken by the flag," responded the -keeper; "but had it been the Queen hersel' I wadna' gi'e up the keys on -the Lord's day." - -"Would you take a glass of whiskey on the Sabbath?" inquired the -captain. - -"_That's a different thing entirely_," said the keeper. - - -=Canny Dogs= - -The following is given by a Scotchman by way of illustrating the kindly -consideration evinced by the Scottish peasantry towards the domestic -animals--especially the shepherds to their dogs--which consequently -become their attached companions. A minister calling to visit one of his -flock found before the fireplace three dogs apparently asleep. At the -sound of a whistle two rose up and walked out; the third remained still. - -"It is odd," said the minister, "that this dog does not get up like the -others." - -"It's no astonishing ava," said the shepherd, "for it's no' his turn; he -was oot i' the mornin'." - - -=A Compliment by Return= - -The minister's man at Lintrathen, though sufficiently respectful, seldom -indulges in the complimentary vein. On one occasion he handsomely -acknowledged a compliment by returning another. The minister had got -married, and was presented with a carriage, for which John was appointed -to provide a horse. Driving out with his wife, the minister said to John -in starting, "You've got us a capital horse." - -"Weel, sir," said John, "it's just aboot as difficult as to choose a -gude minister's wife, and we've been lucky wi' baith." - - -=Curious Sentence= - -Lord Eskgrove is described by Lord Cockburn, in his "_Memorials_" as a -most eccentric personage. - -Cockburn heard him sentence a tailor for murdering a soldier, in these -words: "And not only did you murder him, thereby he was berea-ved of his -life, but you did thrust, or pierce, or push, or project, or propel the -li-thall weapon through the belly band of his regimental breeches, which -were his majesty's." - - -=Advice to an M.P.= - -When Sir George Sinclair was chosen member of Parliament for his native -county, a man came up to him and said: "Noo, Maister George, I'll gie -ye some advice. They've made ye a Parliament man, and my advice to ye -is, be ye aye tak-takin' what ye can get, and aye seek-seekin' until ye -get mair." - - -=Stretching It= - -Concerning the long-bow, no American effort can surpass one that comes -to us from Scotland: It was told that Colonel M'Dowall, when he returned -from the war, was one day walking along by The Nyroch, when he came on -an old man sitting greetin' on a muckle stone at the roadside. When he -came up, the old man rose and took off his bonnet, and said: - -"Ye're welcome hame again, laird." - -"Thank you," said the colonel; adding, after a pause, "I should surely -know your face. Aren't you Nathan M'Culloch?" - -"Ye're richt, 'deed," said Nathan, "it's just me, laird." - -"You must be a good age, now, Nathan," says the colonel. - -"I'm no verra aul' yet, laird," was the reply; "I'm just turnt a -hunner." - -"A hundred!" says the colonel, musing; "well, you must be all that. But -the idea of a man of a hundred sitting blubbering that way! Whatever -could _you_ get to cry about?" - -"It was my father lashed me, sir," said Nathan, blubbering again; "an' -he put me oot, so he did." - -"Your father!" said the colonel; "is your father alive yet?" - -"Leevin! ay," replied Nathan; "I ken that the day tae my sorrow." - -"Where is he?" says the colonel. "What an age he must be! I would like -to see him." - -"Oh, he's up in the barn there," says Nathan; "an no' in a horrid gude -humor the noo, aither." - -They went up to the barn together, and found the father busy threshing -the barley with the big flail, and tearing on fearful. Seeing Nathan and -the laird coming in, he stopped and saluted the colonel, who, after -inquiring how he was, asked him why he had struck Nathan. - -"The young rascal!" says the father, "there's nae dooin' wi' him; he's -never oot o' mischief. I had to lick him this mornin' _for throwin' -stanes at his grandfather_!" - - -=Driving the Deevil Out= - -A Scotch minister, named Downes, settled in a rural district in the -north of Ireland, where the people are more Scotch in language and -manners than in the land o' cakes itself. One evening he and a brother -divine set out together to take part in some religious service. - -Meeting one of his parishioners on the way, the latter quaintly -observed, "Weel, Mr. Downes, you clergymen 'ill drive the deevil oot o' -the country the nicht!" - -"Yes," replied the minister, "we will. _I see you are making your -escape._" - -Tommy did not use the deevil's name in his pastor's presence again. - - -=Mental Aberration= - -In Lanarkshire, Scotland, there lived, about fifty years ago, a poor -crazy man, by name Will Shooler. Will was a regular attendant of the -parish church in the town, on the ceiling of which there was, for -ornament, a dove with outstretched wings. One Sabbath day, Will grew -rather tired of the sermon, and throwing his arms and head back, he saw -the dove, and exclaimed, "O Lord! what a big hen!" - - -=Sunday Shaving and Milking= - -On first going to Ross-shire to visit and preach for my friend Mr. -Carment, I asked him on the Saturday evening before retiring to rest -whether I would get warm water in the morning. Whereupon he held up a -warning hand, saying: "Whist, whist!" - -On my looking and expressing astonishment, he said, with a twinkle in -his eye, "Speak of shaving on the Lord's day in Ross-shire, and you -never need preach here more!" - -In that same county Sir Kenneth Mackenzie directed my attention to a -servant-girl, who, if not less scrupulous, was more logical in her -practice. She astonished her master, one of Sir Kenneth's tenants, by -refusing to feed the cows on the Sabbath. She was ready to milk, but by -no means feed them--and her defence shows that though a fanatic, she was -not a fool. - -"The cows," she said--drawing a nice metaphysical distinction between -what are not and what are works of necessity and mercy that would have -done honor to a casuist--"the cows canna milk themselves; so to milk -them is clear work of necessity and mercy; but let them out to the -fields, and they'll feed themselves." Here certainly was _scrupulosity_; -but the error was one that leaned to the right side. [15] - - -=A Typical Quarrel= - -The story of the happy young couple who quarreled on the first day of -their housekeeping life about the "rat" or the "mouse" which ran out of -the fireplace, it seems, had its origin "long time ago" in the incident -thus done into rhyme. The last verse explains the mysterious mistake: - - John Davidson, and Tib his wife, - Sat toastin' their taes ae nicht, - When something startit in the fluir - And blinkit by their sicht. - - "Guidwife," quoth John, "did you see that moose? - Whar sorra was the cat?" - "A moose?"--"Ay, a moose."--"Na, na, guidman, - It wasna a moose! 'twas a rat." - - "Ow, ow, guidwife, to think ye've been - Sae lang aboot the hoose, - An' no' to ken a moose frae a rat! - Yan wasna a rat! 'twas a moose!" - - "I've seen mair mice than you, guidman-- - An' what think ye o' that? - Sae haud your tongue, an' say nae mair-- - I tell ye, _it_ was a _rat_." - - "_Me_ haud my tongue for _you_, guidwife! - I'll be mester o' this hoose-- - I saw't as plain as een could see, - An' I tell ye, _it_ was a _moose_." - - "If you're the mester of the hoose, - It's I'm the mistress o't; - An' I ken best what's in the hoose-- - Sae I tell ye, _it_ was a _rat_." - - "Weel, weel, guidwife, gae mak' the brose, - An' ca' it what ye please." - So up she rose and mad' the brose, - While John sat toastin' his taes. - - They supit, and supit, and supit the brose, - And aye their lips played smack; - They supit, and supit, and supit the brose, - Till their lugs began to crack. - - "Sic fules we were to fa' out, guidwife, - About a moose"--"A what? - It's a lee ye tell, an' I say again, - It wasna a moose, 'twas a rat." - - "Wad ye ca' me a leear to my very face? - My faith, but ye craw crouse! - I tell you, Tib, I never will bear 't--" - "'Twas a moose"--"'Twas a rat"--"'Twas a moose." - - Wi' that she struck him ower the pow-- - "Ye dour auld doit, tak' that-- - Gae to your bed, ye canker'd sumph-- - 'Twas a rat."--"'Twas a moose!"--"'Twas a rat!" - - She sent the brose caup at his heels - As he hirpled ben the hoose; - Yet he shoved out his head, as he steekit the door, - And cried, "'Twas a moose, 'twas a moose!" - - But when the carle fell asleep - She paid him back for that, - And roared into his sleepin' lug, - "'Twas a _rat_, 'twas a rat, 'twas a RAT!" - - The devil be wi' me if I think - It was a beast, at all-- - Next morning, when she swepit the fluir, - She found wee Johnnie's ball! - - -=A Ready Student= - -Dr. Richie, of Edinburgh, though a very clever man, once met his match. -When examining a student as to the classes he attended, he said: "I -understand you attend the class for mathematics?" - -"Yes." - -"How many sides has a circle?" - -"Two," said the student. - -"Indeed! What are they?" - -"An inside and an outside." - -A laugh among the students followed this answer. - -The doctor next inquired: "And you attend the moral philosophy class, -also?" - -"Yes." - -"Well, you doubtless heard lectures on various subjects. Did you ever -hear one on 'Cause and Effect?'" - -"Yes." - -"Does an effect ever go before a cause?" - -"Yes." - -"Give me an instance." - -"A barrow wheeled by a man." - -The doctor hastily sat down and proposed no more questions. - - -=Appearing "in Three Pieces"= - -Wilson, the celebrated vocalist, was upset one day in his carriage near -Edinburgh. A Scotch paper, after recording the accident, said: "We are -happy to state he was able to appear the following evening in three -pieces." - - -="Every Man to His Own Trade"= - -A worthy old Scotch minister, who didn't object to put his hand to a bit -of work when occasion required it, was one day forking sheaves in the -stackyard to his man John, who was "biggin'." One of the wheels of the -cart on which the minister was standing happened to be resting on a -sheaf, and when the cart was empty his reverence said: "That's them a' -noo, John, excep' ane 'at's aneath the wheel, an' ye'll hae to come an' -gie's a lift up wi' the wheel ere I get it oot." "Oh," said John, "just -drive forrit the cart a bit." "Very true, very true," rejoined the -minister; "every man to his own trade." - - -=From Different Points of View= - -The following anecdote is related of Sir James Mackintosh, the Scotch -philosopher and historian, and the celebrated Dr. Parr: Sir James had -invited the reverend doctor to take a drive in his gig. The horse became -very restive and unmanageable. "Gently, gently, Jemmy," said the doctor, -"pray don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, whatever you do, -Jemmy! You'll do better without me, I am certain; so let me down, -Jemmy--let me down." Once on _terra firma_, the doctor's views of the -case were changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up," said he. "Never let a -horse get the better of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him. -And now I'll leave you to manage him--I'll walk back." - - -=Speaking from "Notes"= - -A porter at a Scotch railway station, who had grown grey in the service, -was one day superintending matters on the platform, when the parish -minister stepped up to him and asked when the next train arrived from -the south. The aged official took off his cap and carefully read the -hour and the minute of the train from a document stuck in the crown. - -Somewhat surprised at this, the minister said: "Dear me, John, is your -memory failing, or what is up with you? You used to have all these -matters entirely by heart." - -"Weel, sir," said John, "I dunna ken if my memory's failin', or fat's -up; but the fac' is I'm growin' like yersel'--I cunna manage without the -paper." - - -="Consecrated" Ground= - -The Police Commissioners of Broughton Ferry, near Dundee, some time -since compelled house proprietors to lay down concrete on the footpath -in front of their properties. An old lady, residing in a cottage, -proudly told a friend the other day that the front of her house had been -"consecrated up to the vera doorstep." - - -=Unanswerable= - -When a Scotchman answers a question, he settles the matter in dispute -once for all. On a certain occasion the question was asked: "Why was -Mary Queen of Scots born at Linlithgow?" Sandy Kerr promptly answered: -"Because her mither was staying there, sir;" and there actually seemed -to be nothing more to say on the subject. - - -=Practical Thrift= - -An admirable humorous reply, says Dean Ramsay, is recorded by a Scotch -officer, well known and esteemed in his day for mirth and humor. Captain -Innes, of the Guards (usually called Jack Innes by his contemporaries), -was, with others, getting ready for Flushing or some of those -expeditions of the great war. His commanding officer, Lord Huntly, -remonstrated about the badness of his hat, and recommended a new one. -"Na, na, bide a wee," said Jack. "Where we're gain', faith, there'll -soon be mair hats nor heads." [7] - - -=Fool Finding= - -A Scotch student, supposed to be deficient in judgment, was asked by a -professor, in the course of his examination, how he would discover a -fool? "By the questions he would ask," was the prompt and highly -suggestive reply. - - -=Robbing on Credit= - -A Scotch parson said recently, somewhat sarcastically, of a toper, that -he put an enemy into his mouth to steal away his brains, but that the -enemy, after a thorough search, returned without anything. - - -=Going to the Doctor's and "Taking" Something= - -A Scotch lad was on one occasion accused of stealing some articles from -a doctor's shop. The judge was much struck with his respectable -appearance, and asked him why he was guilty of such a contemptible act. - -"Weel, ye see," replied the prisoner, "I had a bit of pain in my side, -and my mither tauld me tae gang tae the doctor's and tak' something." - -"Oh, yes," said the judge, "but surely she didn't tell you to go and -take an eight-day clock!" - -The prisoner was evidently nonplused, but it was only for a moment. -Turning to the judge, a bright smile of humor stealing over his -countenance, he replied quietly: - -"There's an auld proverb that says, 'Time an' the doctur cure a' -diseases,' an' sae I thocht"--but the remainder was lost in the laughter -of the court. - - -=A Case in Which Comparisons Were Odious= - -The late Rev. Dr. John Hunter, the much-loved minister of the Tron -Parish, Edinburgh, had a call one morning from one of his many poor -parishioners, who said he had come to ask a favor. On the worthy -minister's requesting him to specify its nature, he replied, "Weel, sir, -it's to marry me." - -"Very good, John," the minister said; "let me know the place, day and -hour, and I shall be at your service." - -"But, sir," the bridegroom answered, "it's the noo!" (The bride was -waiting outside.) - -"Filthy and untidy as you are! No, no; go home and wash, and dress -yourself, and then I shall be prepared to perform the ceremony." - -"Bless ye, sir, ye should see _her_!" was the response of the applicant. - - -=Pulpit Aids= - -_Young Minister_: "I don't think I need put on the gown, John; it's only -an encumbrance." - -_Beadle_: "Ay, sir; it makes ye mair impressive--an' ye need it a', sir, -ye need it a'." - - -=Choosing a Minister= - -The parish kirk of Driechtor had been rather unfortunate in its -ministers, two of them having gone off in a decline within a twelvemonth -of their appointment, and now, after hearing a number of candidates for -the vacancy, the members were looking forward with keen interest to the -meeting at which the election takes place. - -"Weel, Marget," asked one female parishioner of another, as they -foregathered on the road one day, "wha are you gaun to vote for?" - -"I'm just thinkin' I'll vote for nane o' them. I'm no muckle o' a judge, -an' it'll be the safest plan," was Marget's sagacious reply. - -"Toots, woman, if that's the way o't, vote wi' me." - -"An' hoo are you gaun to vote?" - -"I'm gaun to vote for the soundest lungs, an'll no bother us deein' -again in a hurry." - - -=Prince Albert and the Ship's Cook= - -During the earlier visits of the royal family to Balmoral, Prince -Albert, dressed in a very simple manner, was crossing one of the Scotch -lakes in a steamer, and was curious to note everything relating to the -management of the vessel, and among other things, the cooking. -Approaching the galley, where a brawny Highlander was attending the -culinary matters, he was attracted by the savory odors of a compound -known by Scotchmen as "hodge-podge," which the Highlander was preparing. - -"What is that?" asked the prince, who was not known to the cook. - -"Hodge-podge, sir," was the reply. - -"How is it made?" was the next question. - -"Why, there's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't, and carrots intil't -and---- - -"Yes, yes," said the prince, who had not learned that "intil't" meant -"into it;" "but what is intil't?" - -"Why, there's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't, and carrots intil't -and----" - -"Yes, I see, but what is intil't?" - -The man looked at him, and seeing the prince was serious, he replied: -"There's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't and----" - -"Yes, certainly, I know," urged the inquirer; "but what is -intil't--intil't?" - -"Ye daft gowk," yelled the Highlander, brandishing a large spoon, "am I -no' telling ye what's intil't! There's mutton intil't and----" - -Here the interview was brought to a close by one of the prince's suite, -who was fortunately passing, and stepped in to save his royal highness -from being rapped over the head with the big spoon while in search of -information from the cook. - - -="To Memory 'Dear'"= - -"Jeems," said the laird one day to his gardener, "there was something I -was going to ask you, but man, for the life o' me I canna mind what it -was." "Mebbe," said Jeems, who had received no pay for three weeks, -"mebbe," said he, "it was to spier at me fat wey I was keepin' body and -soul thegither on the wages I wasna gettin'." - - -=Good "for Nothing"--not the Goodness Worth Having= - -It was a wet day and Jamie Stoddart could not go out to play; Mrs. -Stoddart, who had just cleared away the breakfast things, and was about -to commence a big heap of ironing, noticed sighs of incipient -restlessness in the laddie, and said; "Now, I hope you'll be a good boy -the day, Jamie; I've an awfu' lot o' work to dae, an' I can't have you -bothering me." "Wull ye gie me a penny if I'm awfu' guid a' day lang?" -asked her son. "Mebbe I will," was the reply; "but would it no' be -better to be a guid laddie just to please me?" "I'm no' sae shuir o' -that," answered the laddie, reflectively. "Ma teacher at the schule says -it aye better to be good even for a little, than to be guid for -naething." He got that penny. - - -="The Weaker Vessel"= - -The minister of a parish in Scotland was called in some time ago to -effect a reconciliation between a fisherman of a certain village and his -wife. After using all the arguments in his power to convince the -offending husband that it was unmanly in him, to say the least of it, to -strike Polly with his fist, the minister concluded: "David, you know -that the wife is the weaker vessel, and you should have pity on her." - -"Weel, then," said David, sulkily, "if she's the weaker vessel she -should carry the less sail." - - -=Minding His Business= - -An Englishman traveling in the north of Scotland, came up to a -macadamizer of the roads, and while he was busy breaking the road metal, -asked him if the direction in which he was going was the way to -Aberdeen. The laborer, glad to rest himself a little, dropped his -hammer, and said quietly to the stranger, "Now, where cam' ye from?" The -traveler, nettled at not receiving a direct answer, asked him, "What -business have you with where I came from?" The macadamizer, taking up -his hammer and beginning to resume his occupation, said, "Oh, just as -little business as where you are gauin to!" - - -="Married!"--Not "Living"= - -"Weel, Girzie, how are ye leevin'?" said one. "Me! I'm no leevin' at a'. -I'm mairret!" - - -=A Powerful Preacher= - -Shortly after a Congregational chapel had been planted in the small -burgh of Bonnytown, an incident occurred which showed that the powers of -its minister were appreciated in certain quarters. A boy, named Johnny -Fordyce, had been indiscreet enough to put a sixpence in his mouth and -accidently swallowed it. Mrs. Fordyce, concerned both for her boy and -the sixpence, tried every means for its recovery, consulted her -neighbors, and finally in despair called in a doctor, but without -result. As a last resort, a woman present suggested that they should -send for the Congregationalist "meenister." "The meenister," chorused -mother and neighbors. "Ay, the meenister," rejoined the old dame; "od's, -if there's ony money in him he'll sune draw it oot o' 'm!" - - -=Lost Dogs= - -"What dogs are these, Jasper?" inquired a gentleman of a lad, who was -dragging a couple of waspish-looking terriers along a street in -Edinburgh. "I dinna ken, sir," replied the urchin; "they came wi' the -railway, and they ate the direction, and dinna ken whar to gang." - - -=Stratagem of a Scotch Pedlar= - -Early in the nineteenth century, Sandy Frazer, a native of the northern -part of this island--who by vending of linen, which he carried around -the country on his back, had acquired the sum of one hundred pieces of -gold--resolving to extend his business by the addition of other wares, -set out for London, in order to purchase them at the best advantage. -When he had arrived within a few miles of the end of his journey, he was -obliged to take shelter in a house of entertainment--which stood in a -lonely part of the road--from a violent storm of wind and rain. He had -not been there long, before he was joined by two horsemen of genteel -appearance, who stopped on the same account. As he was in possession of -the fire-side, they were under necessity of joining company with him, in -order to dry themselves; which otherwise the meanness of his appearance -would probably have prevented their doing. - -The new companions had not sat long, before the cheerfulness of his -temper, and something uncommonly droll in his conversation, made them -invite him to sup with them at their expense; where they entertained him -so generously, that, forgetting his national prudence, he could not -forbear shewing his treasure, as a proof of not being unworthy of the -honor they had done him. - -The storm having obliged them to remain all night, they departed -together the next morning; and as a farther mark of their regard they -kept company with him, though he traveled on foot, till they came into a -solitary part of the road, when, one of them, putting a pistol to his -breast, took of him the earnings of his whole life, leaving him only a -single piece of gold, which, by good fortune, he happened to have loose -in his pocket. His distress at such a loss may be easily conceived: -however, he sank not under it. A thought instantly occurred to him how -it might possibly be retrieved, which he lost not a moment in proceeding -to execute. He had observed that the master of the house, where he had -met these two plunderers, seemed to be perfectly acquainted with them; -he returned therefore thither directly, and feigned to have been taken -suddenly ill on the road with a disorder of the bowels; called for some -wine, which he had heated, and rendered still stronger with spice. All -the time he was drinking it, he did nothing but pray for his late -companions; who, he said, had not only advised him to take it, but had -also been so generous as to give him a piece of gold (which he produced) -to pay for it; and then, seeming to be much relieved, he lamented most -heavily his not knowing where to return thanks to his benefactors; which -he said, the violence of his pain had made him forget to inquire. - -The master of the house, to whom his guests had not mentioned the man's -having money, that he might not expect to share it with them, never -suspected the truth of his story, informed him without scruple, who they -were, and where they lived. This was directly what he had schemed for. -He crawled away till he was out of sight of the house, in order to keep -up the deceit, when he made all the haste he could to town; and, -inquiring for his spoilers, he had the satisfaction to hear they were -people in trade, and of good repute for their wealth. - -The next morning, therefore, as soon, as he thought they were stirring, -he went to the house of one of them, whom he found in the room where his -merchandise was exposed for sale. The merchant instantly knew him; but, -imagining he came on some other business (for he did not think it -possible that he could have traced him, or even that he could know him -in his altered appearance) asked him in the usual way what he wanted. - -"I want to speak wi' ye in private, sir," he answered, getting between -him and the door; and then, on the merchant's affecting surprise--"In -gude troth, sir," he continued, "I think it is somewhat strange that ye -shud na ken Sandy, who supped with ye the neeght before the laust, after -au the kindness ye shewed to him." Then lowering his voice, so as not to -be overheard by the people present, he told him, with a determined -accent, that if he did not instantly return him his money, he would -apply to a magistrate for redress. - -This was a demand which admitted not of dispute. The money was paid him, -gratuity for having lent it, and his receipt taken to that effect; after -which he went directly to the other, upon whom he made a like successful -demand. - - -=The Highlander and the Angels= - -A genuine Highlander was one day looking at a print from a picture by -one of the old masters, in which angels were represented blowing -trumpets. He inquired if the angels played on trumpets, and being -answered in the affirmative, made the following pithy remark: - -"Hech, sirs, but they maun be pleased wi' music. I wonder they dinna -borrow a pair o' bagpipes!" - - -=One Side of Scotch Humor= - -Charles Lamb was present at a party of North Britons, where a son of -Burns was expected, and he happened to drop a remark that he wished it -were the father instead of the son, when four of the Scotchmen started -up at once, saying that it was impossible, because he (the father) was -dead. - - -=Reproving a Miser= - -Lord Braco was his own factor and collected his own rents, in which -duties he is said to have been so rigorously exact that a farmer, being -one rent-day deficient in a single farthing, he caused him to trudge to -a considerable distance to procure that little sum before he would grant -a discharge. When the business was adjusted, the countryman said to his -lordship, "Now, Braco, I wad gie ye a shilling for a sight o' a' the -gowd and siller ye hae." "Weel, man," answered the miser, "it's no cost -ye ony mair"; and he exhibited to the farmer several iron boxes full of -gold and silver coin. "Now," said the farmer, "I'm as rich as yourself, -Braco." "Ay, man," said his lordship, "how can that be?" "Because I've -seen it," replied the countryman, "and ye can do nae mair." - - -=A Shrewd Reply= - -Sir Walter Scott says that the alleged origin of the invention of cards -produced one of the shrewdest replies he had ever heard given in -evidence. It was by the late Dr. Gregory, of Edinburgh, to a counsel of -great eminence at the Scottish bar. The doctor's testimony went to prove -the insanity of the party whose mental capacity was the point at issue. -On a cross-interrogation he admitted that the person in question played -admirably at whist. "And do you seriously say, doctor," said the learned -counsel, "that a person having a superior capacity for a game so -difficult, and which requires in a pre-eminent degree, memory, judgment -and combination, can be at the same time deranged in his understanding?" -"I am no card player," said the doctor, with great address, "but I have -read in history that cards were invented for the amusement of an insane -king." The consequences of this reply were decisive. - - -=Two Good Memories= - -A simple Highland girl, on her way home for the north, called as she -passed by Crieff upon an old master with whom she had formerly served. -Being kindly invited by him to share in the family dinner, and the usual -ceremony of asking a blessing having been gone through, the poor girl, -anxious to compliment, as she conceived, her ancient host, exclaimed: -"Ah, master, ye maun hae a grond memory, for that's the grace ye had -when I was wi' you seven years ago." - - -=Compensation= - -A venerable Scotch minister used to say to any of his flock who were -laboring under affliction: "Time is short, and if your cross is heavy -you have not far to carry it." - - -=Fowls and Ducks!= - -A Scotchman giving evidence at the bar of the House of Lords in the -affair of Captain Porteous, and telling of the variety of shot which was -fired upon that unhappy occasion, was asked by the Duke of Newcastle -what kind of shot it was? "Why," said the man in his broad dialect, "sic -as they shoot fools (fowls) wi' an' the like." "What kind of fools?" -asked the duke, smiling at the word. "Why, my lord, dukes (ducks) and -sic' kin' o' fools." - - -=Square-Headed= - -A learned Scottish lawyer being just called to the Bench, sent for a new -tie-wig. The peruquier, on applying his apparatus in one direction was -observed to smile; upon which the judge desired to know what ludicrous -circumstance gave rise to his mirth? The barber replied that he could -not but remark the extreme _length_ of his honor's head. "That's well," -said Lord S----, "we lawyers have occasion for _long heads_!" The -barber, who by this time had completed the dimensions, now burst out -into a fit of laughter; and an explanation being insisted on, at last -declared that he could not possibly contain himself when he discovered -that "_his lordship's head was just as thick as it was long_!" - - -=Refusing Information= - -Two Scotchmen met the other day on one of the bridges of Glasgow, one of -them having in his hand a very handsome fowling-piece, when the -following dialogue ensued: "Ods, mon, but that's a bonny gun." "Ay, deed -is it." "Whaur did you get it?" "Owre by there." "And wha's it for?" -"D'ye ken the yeditor of the Glasgow _Herald_?" "Ou ay." "Weel, it's nae -for him." - - -=Sabbath Breaking= - -The following anecdote is told in illustration of the Scotch veneration -for the Sabbath: A geologist, while in the country, and having his -pocket hammer with him, took it out and was chipping the rock by the -wayside for examination. His proceedings did not escape the quick eye -and ready tongue of an old Scotchwoman. "What are you doing there, man?" -"Don't you see? I'm breaking a stone." "Y'are doing mair than that; -y'are breaking the Sabbath." - - -=Highland Simplicity= - -On one occasion a young girl fresh from the West Highlands came on a -visit to a sister she had residing in Glasgow. At the outskirts of the -town she stopped at a toll-bar, and began to rap smartly with her -knuckles on the gate. The keeper, amused at the girl's action, and -curious to know what she wanted, came out, when she very demurely -interrogated him as follows: - -"Is this Glasco?" - -"Yes." - -"Is Peggy in?" - - -=The Fall of Adam and Its Consequences= - -As might have been expected, perhaps, Dean Ramsay is especially copious -in clerical stories and those trenching on theological topics. He tells -us how a man who was asked what Adam was like, first described our -general forefather somewhat vaguely as "just like ither fouk." Being -pressed for a more special description, he likened him to a -horse-couper known to himself and the minister. "Why was Adam like that -horse-couper?" "Weel," replied the catechumen, "naebody got onything by -him, and mony lost." - - -=Remarkable Presence of Mind= - -A well-known parsimonious Scottish professor was working one day in his -garden in his ordinary beggarlike attire, and was alarmed to see the -carriage of the great man of the parish whirling rapidly along the road -to his house. It was too late to attempt a retreat, and get himself put -in order to receive "my lord." To retreat was impossible; to remain -there and as he was, to be shamed and disgraced. With a promptitude -seldom or never surpassed, he struck his battered hat down on his -shoulders, drew up his hands into the sleeves of his ragged coat, stuck -out his arms at an acute angle, planted his legs far apart, and throwing -rigidity into all his form, stood thus in the potato ground, the very -beau-ideal of what in England is called a "scarecrow," in Scotland "a -potato-bogle," never suspected by the visitors as they drove up to the -front entrance, while he made for the back door to don his best suit. - - -=Beginning Life Where He Ought to Have Ended, and Vice Versa= - -A worthy Scotch couple, when asked how their son had broken down so -early in life, gave the following explanation: "When we began life -together we worked hard and lived on porridge, and such like; gradually -adding to our comforts as our means improved, until we were able to dine -off a bit of roast beef, and sometimes a boiled chickie (chicken); but -Jack, our son, he worked backwards and began with the chickie first." - - -=How to Exterminate Old Thieves= - -The humorous, but stern criminal judge, Lord Braxfield, had a favorite -maxim which he used frequently to repeat: "Hang a thief when he's young, -and he'll no steal when he's auld." - - -=A Sympathetic Hearer= - -An old minister in the Cheviots used, when excited in the pulpit, to -raise his voice to a loud half-whimper, half-whine. One day a shepherd -had brought with him a young collie, who became so thrilled by the high -note of the preacher that he also broke out into a quaver so like the -other that the minister stopped short. "Put out that collie," he said, -angrily. The shepherd, equally angry, seized the animal by the neck, and -as he dragged him down the aisle, sent back the growling retort at the -pulpit, "It was yersel' begond it!" - - -=Ginger Ale= - -A short time since, a bailie of Glasgow invited some of his -electioneering friends to a dinner, during which the champagne -circulated freely, and was much relished by the honest bodies; when one -of them, more fond of it than the rest, bawled out to the servant who -waited, "I say, Jock, gie us some mair o' that _ginger yill_, will ye?" - - -=A Conditional Promise= - -At Hawick, the people used to wear wooden clogs, which made a _clanking_ -noise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by her -bedside, who said to her: "Weel, Jenny, ye are gaun to heaven, and gin -ye should see our folk, ye can tell them that we're all weel." To which -Jenny replied: "Weel, gin I should see them, I'se tell 'em. But you -maunna expect that I'se to gang clank, clanking thro heaven looking for -your folk." - - -=Scripture Examination= - -An old schoolmaster, who usually heard his pupils once a week through -Watts' Scripture History, and afterwards asked them promiscuously such -questions as suggested themselves to his mind, one day desired a young -urchin to tell him who Jesse was; when the boy briskly replied, "The -Flower of Dunblane, sir." - - -=A Minor Major= - -Lord Annandale, one of the Scotch judges, had a son, who, at the age of -eleven or twelve, rose to the rank of a major. One morning his lady -mother, hearing a noise in the _nursery_, rang to know the cause of it. -"It's only," said the servant, "the major greetin' (crying) for his -porridge!" - - -=A Cute Way of Getting an Old Account= - -An old Scotch grave-digger was remonstrated with one day at a funeral -for making a serious over-charge for digging a grave. "Weel, ye see, -sir," said the old man, in explanation, making a motion with his thumb -towards the grave, "him and me had a bit o' a tift twa-three years syne -owre the head of a watch I selt him, an' I've never been able to get the -money oot o' him yet. 'Now,' says I to myself, 'this is my last chance, -an' I'll better tak' it.'" - - -="Hearers Only--Not Doers"= - -Could anything be better than the improvement of a minister of Arran, -who was discoursing on the carelessness of his flock? "Brethren, when -you leave the church, just look down at the duke's swans; they are vera -bonny swans, an' they'll be sooming about an' dooking doon their heads -and laving theirsels wi' the clean water till they're a' drookit; then -you'll see them sooming to the shore, an' they'll gie their wings a bit -flap an' they're dry again. Now, my friends, you come here every -Sabbath, an' I lave you a' ower wi' the Gospel till you are fairly -drookit wi't. But you just gang awa hame, an' sit doon by your fireside, -gie your wings a bit flap, an' ye're as dry as ever again." - - -=The Chieftain and the Cabby= - -The following story illustrates the disadvantage of having an article in -common use called after one's own name. The chief of the clan McIntosh -once had a dispute with a cabman about his fare. "Do you know who I -am?" indignantly exclaimed the Highlander; "I am the McIntosh." - -"I don't care if you are an umbrella," replied the cabby; "I'll have my -rights." - - -=Not All Profit= - -A humorous minister of Stirling, hearing that one of his hearers was -about to be married for the third time, said to him: "They tell me, -John, you are getting money wi' her; you did so on the last two -occasions; you'll get quite rich by your wives." - -"'Deed, sir," quietly replied John, "what wi' bringin' them in and -puttin' them out, there's nae muckle be made of them." - - -=Pie, or Patience?= - -A little Scotch boy, aged five, was taking dinner at his grandfather's -and had reached the dessert. "I want some pie," said young Angus. - -"Have patience," said his grandmother. - -"Which would you rather have, Angus," said grandfather; "patience or -pie?" - -"Pie," replied Angus, emphatically. - -"But then," said his grandfather, "there might not be any left for me." - -"Well," said Angus, "you have some of patience." - - -=How to Treat a Surplus= - -In a school in Aberdeenshire, one day, a dull boy was making his way to -his master for the third time with an arithmetical question. The -teacher, a little annoyed, exclaimed, "Come, come, John, what's the -matter now?" - -"I canna get ma question richt," replied the boy. - -"What's wrong with it, this time?" - -"I've gotten auchteenpence ower muckle." - -"Never mind," said a smart boy, in a loud whisper, with a sly glance at -the master, "keep it tae yersel', Jock." - - -=Landseer's Deadly Influence= - -An amusing incident took place during one of Landseer's early visits to -Scotland. In the course of his journey he stopped at a village, and as -his habit was, took great notice of the many dogs, jotting down -sketches of such as took his fancy most. On the next day he continued -his journey. As he passed through the village, Landseer was surprised -and horrified to see dogs of all kinds, some of which he recognized, -hanging dead from trees or railings on every side. Presently he saw a -boy, who, with tears in his eyes, was hurrying a young pup towards the -river to drown it. He questioned the urchin, and to his surprise found -that the villagers looked upon him as an excise-officer, who was taking -notes of the dogs with a view to prosecute the owners of such as had not -paid their tax. - - -=Trying One Grave First= - -An old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the bedside of his wife who -was dying. She took him by the hand and said: "Weel, John, we're gowin' -to part. I have been a gude wife to you, John." "Oh, just middling, -Jenny, just middlin'," said John, not disposed to commit himself. -"John," says she, "ye maun promise to bury me in the auld kirkyard at -Str'avon, beside my mither. I could'na rest in peace among unco' folk, -in the dirt and smoke o' Glasgow." "Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman," said -John, soothingly, "we'll just try ye in Glasgow first, an' gin ye dinna -lie quiet, we'll try you in Str'avon." [8] - - -="Capital Punishment"--Modified= - -Two Scotchmen, turning the corner of a street rather sharply, come into -collision. The shock was stunning to one of them. He pulled off his hat, -and, laying his hand on his forehead, said: "Sic a blow! My heed's a' -ringin' again!" - -"Nae wonder," said his companion; "your head was aye empty--that makes -it ring. My heed disna ring a bit." - -"How could it ring," said the other, "seeing it was crackit?" - - -=Matter More Than Manner= - -Norman M'Leod was once preaching in a district in Ayrshire, where the -reading of a sermon is regarded as the greatest fault of which the -minister can be guilty. When the congregation dispersed an old woman, -overflowing with enthusiasm, addressed her neighbor. "Did ye ever hear -onything sae gran'? Wasna that a sermon?" But all her expressions of -admiration being met by a stolid glance, she shouted: "Speak, woman! -Wasna that a sermon?" "Ou ay," replied her friend sulkily; "but he read -it." "Read it!" said the other, with indignant emphasis. "I wadna care -if he had whistled it." - - -=Curious Use of a Word= - -The word "honest" has in Scotland a peculiar application, irrespective -of any integrity of moral character. It is a kindly mode of referring to -an individual, as we would say to a stranger: "Honest man, would you -tell me the way to----?" or as Lord Hermand, when about to sentence a -woman for stealing, began remonstratively; "Honest woman, what gar'd ye -steal your neighbor's tub?" - - -=Finding Work for His Class, While He Dined= - -A clergyman in Scotland, who had appointed a day for the catechising of -some of his congregation, happened to receive an invitation to dinner -for the same day, and having forgotten his previous engagement, he -accepted it. Just as he was mounting his gig to depart, he perceived the -first of his class entering his garden, and the remainder coming over -the hill, and at once became aware of the mistake he had made. Here was -a fix. But the minister's ready wit soon came to his assistance. - -"What have you come for, John?" he asked, addressing the first comer. - -"An' dee ye no' remember, sir, ye bade us come to be catecheesed?" - -"Ou, ay; weel, no' to keep ye going further, John, was it a hoorned coo -or a hemmel that Noah took into the ark?" - -"'Deed, sir, I canna tell." - -"Weel, turn back and ask the ither folk the same question, and if they -canna answer it, bid them go home and find oot." - - -=The Value of a Laugh in Sickness= - -Dr. Patrick Scougal, a Scottish bishop, in the seventeenth century, -being earnestly sought by an old woman to visit her sick cow, the -prelate, after many remonstrances, reluctantly consented, and, walking -round the beast, said gravely, "If she live, she live; and if she die, -she die; and I can do nae mair for her." Not long afterwards, he was -dangerously afflicted with a quinsy in the throat; hereupon the old -woman, having got access to his chamber, walked round his bed repeating -the same words which the bishop had pronounced when walking round the -cow, and which she believed had cured the animal. At this extraordinary -sight the bishop was seized with a fit of laughter, which burst the -quinsy, and saved his life. - - -=Why Israel Made a Golden Calf= - -The following answer from a little girl was shrewd and reflective. The -question was: "Why did the Israelites make a golden calf?" - -"They hadna as muckle siller as would mak' a _coo'_." [9] - - -=An Economical Preacher's Bad Memory= - -A parochial incumbent, whose scene of labor some years ago bordered on -the Strath of Blain, was blamed for having an erroneous opinion of the -memories of his hearers, insomuch as he frequently entertained them with -"could kail hot again," in the shape of sermons that he had previously -given. On one occasion his own memory allowed him to make a slip, and -only one Sabbath elapsed between the giving of the sermon the second -time. After the dismissal of the congregation, the beadle remarked to -him, "I hae often heard ye blamed, sir, for gein' us auld sermons; but -they'll surely no' say that o' the ane ye gied them this afternoon, for -its just a fortnicht sin' they heard it afore in the same place." [8] - - -=Sharpening His Teeth= - -An English gentleman, traveling in the Highlands, being rather late in -coming down to dinner, Donald was sent upstairs to intimate all was -ready. He speedily returned, nodding significantly, as much as to say it -was all right. - -"But, Donald," said his master, after some further trial of a hungry -man's patience, "are ye sure ye made the gentleman understand?" - -"_Understand!_" retorted Donald (who had peeped into the room and found -the guest engaged at his toilet); "I'se warrant ye he understands; he's -_sharpening_ his teeth--" not supposing the toothbrush could be of any -other use. - - -=Droll Solemnity= - -An old maid of Scotland, after reading aloud to her two sisters, also -unmarried, the births, marriages, and deaths, in the ladies' corner of a -newspaper, thus moralized: "Weel, weel, these are solemn events, death -and marriage: but ye ken they're what we must a' come to." - -"Eh, Miss Jenny, but ye have been lang spared!" was the reply of the -youngest sister. - - -=Matrimony a Cure for Blindness= - -An example of this truth is given in the case of a sly old Scotchman -who, on marrying a very young wife, was rallied by his friends on the -inequality of their ages. - -"She will be near me," he replied, "to close my een." - -"Weel," remarked another party, "I've had twa wives, and they _opened_ -my een." - - -=Plain Speaking= - -"I was at the manse the ither day," said the precentor to an old crony, -"an' the minister and me got on the crack. He says to me: 'Jim,' says -he, 'I'm very sorry to tell you that I must advise you to give up your -post, for there are several people complaining that you cannot sing!' - -"'Weel, sir,' said I, 'I dinna think you should be in sic a hurry to -advise me. I've been telt a dizzen times ye canna preach, but I never -advised ye to gie up your place.' - -"I saw he was vexed, so I jist said: 'Ne'er heed, sir; the fules'll hae -to hear us till we think fit to stop.'" - - -=Trying to Shift the Job= - -A country laird, at his death, left his property in equal shares to his -two sons, who continued to live very amicably together for many years. -At length one said to the other: "Sam, we're getting auld now; you'll -tak' a wife, and when I dee ye'll get my share o' the grund." - -"Na, John; you're the youngest and maist active; you'll tak' a wife, and -when I dee you'll get my share." - -"Od!" says John; "Sam, that's just the way with you when there's any -_fash or trouble_. There's naething you'll do at a'." - - -=A New Explanation of an Extra Charge= - -The following story is told of a distinguished Edinburgh professor: -Desiring to go to church one wet Sunday, he hired a cab. On reaching the -church door he tendered a shilling--the legal fare--to cabby, and was -somewhat surprised to hear the cabman say: "Twa shillin', sir." The -professor, fixing his eye on the extortioner, demanded why he charged -two shillings, upon which the cabman dryly answered: "We wish to -discourage traveling on the Sabbath as much as possible, sir." - - -=National Thrift Exemplified= - -Nowadays, when we hear that patients are beginning to question whether -they are bound to pay their doctors or not unless a cure has been -effected, the following anecdote of a cautious Scotchman may serve as a -useful hint: A poor old man had been some time ill, but refused to have -advice, dreading the doctor's bill. At last he gave in to the repeated -requests of his family, and sent for the doctor. On his arrival, the old -man greeted him with: "Noo, doctor, if ye dinna think I am worth -repairing, dinna put much expense on me." The doctor, finding him worth -repairing, soon set him on his legs again, and the old man considered -his bargain a good one. - - -=New Use for a "Cosy"= - -A newly-married lady, displaying her wedding presents to an old Highland -servant-maid, shows a fancy tea-cosy. - -_Servant Maid_: "That'll be a bonny present." - -_Lady_: "It is, indeed." - -_Servant Maid_: "Ay, an' you'll pe shurely wear this at a crand party?" - - -=Mending Matters= - -"Had you the audacity, John," said a Scottish laird to his servant, "to -go and tell some people that I was a mean fellow, and no gentleman?" -"Na, na," was the candid answer; "you'll no catch me at the like o' -that. I aye keep my thoughts to mysel'." - - -=Degrees of Capacity= - -Francis Jeffrey was an example of a man who had acquired an artificial -style and language, suitable only for printed books and a small circle -of friends and associates in Edinburgh. His diction and pronunciation -were unintelligible to the bulk of his countrymen, and offensive and -ridiculous in the House of Commons. His weight in his party, his great -intelligence, and the affection of his friends, could not prevent him -from failing in Parliament. An amusing illustration is given by an -acquaintance of the contrast between him and his friend Henry Cockburn, -in the examination of a witness. The trial turned upon the intellectual -competency of a testator. Jeffrey asked a witness, a plain countryman, -whether the testator was a man of "intellectual capacity?--an -intellectual, shrewd man?--a man of capacity?--had he ordinary mental -endowments?" - -"What d'ye mean, sir?" - -"I mean," replied Jeffrey, testily, "was the man of sufficient ordinary -intelligence to qualify him to manage his own affairs?" - -"I dinna ken," replied the chafed and mystified witness; "Wad ye say the -question ower again, sir?" - -Jeffrey being baffled, Cockburn took up the examination. He said: "Ye -kenned Tammas----?" - -"Ou, ay; I kenned Tammas weel; me and him herded together when we were -laddies." - -"Was there onything in the cretur?" - -"Deil a thing but what the spune put in him." - -"Would you have trusted him to sell a cow for you?" - -"A cow! I wadna lippened him to sell a calf." - -Francis Jeffrey could not, if he had devoted an article in the -_Edinburgh Review_ to the subject, have given a more exact measurement -than was presented in few words of the capacity of the testator to -manage his own affairs. - - -="Invisible and Incomprehensible"= - -_First Scot_: "Fat sort o' minister hae ye gotten, Geordie?" - -_Second Scot_: "Oh, weel; he's no muckle worth. We seldom get a glint o' -him; six days o' th' week he's envees'ble, and on the seventh he's -encomprehens'ble." - - -=Fetching His "Character"= - -At a Scotch fair a farmer was trying to engage a lad to assist on the -farm, but would not finish the bargain until he brought a character from -the last place, so he said: "Run and get it, and meet me at the cross, -at four o'clock." - -The youth was up to time, and the farmer said, "Well, have you got your -character with you?" - -"Na," replied the youth; "but I've got yours, an' I'm no comin'." - - -=Scottish Negativeness= - -If you remark to an old Scotchman that "It's a good day," his usual -reply is, "Aweel, sir, I've seen waur." Such a man does not say his wife -is an excellent woman. He says, "She's no' a bad body." A buxom lass, -smartly dressed, is "No' sae vera unpurposelike." The richest and rarest -viands are "No' sae bad." The best acting and the best singing are -designated as "No' bad." A man noted for his benevolence is "No' the -warst man in the worilt." A Scotchman is always afraid of expressing -unqualified praise. He suspects if he did so it would tend to spoil the -object of his laudations, if a person, male or female, old or young; or, -if that object were a song, a picture, a piece of work, a landscape, or -such, that those who heard him speak so highly of it would think he had -never in his life seen or heard anything better, which would be an -imputation on his knowledge of things. "_Nil Admirari_" is not exactly -the motto of the normal Scotchman. He is quite ready to admire admirable -things, but yet loath to admit it, only by inference, that he had never -witnessed or experienced anything better. Indeed, he has always -something of the like kind which he can quote to show that the person, -place or thing in question is only comparatively good, great, clever, -beautiful, or grand. Then, when anybody makes a remark, however novel, -that squares with a Scotchman's ideas, he will say, "That's just what -I've offen thoucht!" "That's exactly ma way of thinking!" "That's just -what I aye say!" "That's just what I was actually on the point o' -saying!" - - -=Either Too Fast or Too Slow= - -An artist, returning from a sketching tour in Arran, was crossing the -mountains on his way back to catch the early steamer for Brodick. His -watch had stopped, so he could not form an idea of the time of day. To -his joy he met a shepherd, of whom he inquired the hour. The native, -pulling out his watch, replied: "Sir, it will shoost pe five o'clock on -my wee watchy; but whether she'll be two oors too slow, or two oors too -fast, I dinna ken." - - -=A Highland Servant Girl and the Kitchen Bell= - -Some years ago a lady engaged a domestic servant from the Highlands. In -the evening the lady wanted supper brought in, so she rang the bell. -Not getting any answer, she repeated the summons, but with the same -effect. She then proceeded to the kitchen, where to her amazement she -found the servant almost convulsed with laughter. She pointed to the -bell and exclaimed: "As sure's I leeve I never touched it, an' its -waggin' yet!" - - -=Not Necessarily Out of His Depth= - -In Scotland the topic of a sermon, or discourse is called by -old-fashioned folk "its ground," or, as they would say, "its grund." An -old woman, bustling into kirk rather late, found the preacher had -commenced, and opening her Bible, nudged her next neighbor, with the -inquiry: "What's the grund?" - -"Oh," rejoined the other, who happened to be a brother minister, and -therefore a privileged critic, "he's lost his grund long since, and he's -just swimming." - - -=Scotch Literalness= - -"You must beware," says Charles Lamb, "of indirect expressions before a -Caledonian. I have a print, a graceful female, after Leonardo da Vinci, -which I was showing off to Mr. ----. After he had examined it, I asked -him how he liked 'my beauty' (a name it goes by among my friends), when -he very gravely assured me that he 'had very considerable respect for my -character and talents'--so he was pleased to say--'but had not given -himself much thought for the degree of my personal pretensions.'" - - -=A Scotch "Native"= - -"Are you a native of this parish?" asked a Scotch sheriff of a witness -who was summoned to testify in a case of illicit distilling. - -"Maistly, yer honor," was the reply. - -"I mean, were you born in this parish?" - -"Na, yer honor; I wasna born in this parish, but I'm maist a native for -a' that." - -"You come here when you were a child, I suppose you mean?" said the -sheriff. - -"Na, sir, I'm just here about sax year, noo." - -"Then how do you come to be nearly a native of this parish?" - -"Weel, ye see, whan I cam' here, sax year sin', I jist weighed eight -stane, an' I'm fully seventeen stane noo; sae ye see that about nine -stane a' me belangs to this parish an' the ither eight comes frae -Camlachie." - - -="A Call to a Wider Sphere"= - -An old Highland clergyman, who had received several calls to parishes, -asked his servant where he should go. His servant said: "Go where there -is most sin, sir." - -The preacher concluded that good advice, and went where there was most -money. - - -=Why Janet Slept During Her Pastor's Sermon= - -Dean Ramsay tells the following quaint story of Scotch life: - -There was a worthy old woman at Cults, whose place in church was what is -commonly called the lateran--a kind of senate gallery at the top of the -pulpit stairs. She was a most regular attendant, but as regularly fell -asleep during the sermon, of which fault the preacher had sometimes -audible intimation. - -It was observed, however, that though Janet slept during her own -pastor's discourse, she could be attentive enough when she pleased, and -especially was she alert when some young preacher occupied the pulpit. A -little piqued at this, Mr. Gillespie said to her one day: "Janet, I -think you hardly behave respectfully to your own minister in one -matter." - -"Me, sir?" exclaimed Janet; "I would like to see ony mon, no' to say -woman, but yoursel', say that o' me! What can you mean, sir?" - -"Weel, Janet, ye ken when I preach you're almost always fast asleep -before I've given out my text, but when any of these young men from St. -Andrew's preach for me, I see you never sleep a wink. Now, that's what I -call no' using me as you should do." - -"Hoot, sir," was the reply, "is that a'? I'll soon tell you the reason -of that. When you preach, we a' ken the word o' God's safe in your -hands; but when they young birkies tak it in haun, my certie, but it -tak's us a' to look after them." [7] - - -=Spinning it Out= - -As a verbose preacher was addressing the congregation on a certain -occasion, one by one of his officials dropped out of the church into the -vestry. As the last one who left put his head into the vestry, those who -had preceded him inquired if the prolix speaker had not finished his -address. "Well," said he, "his tow's dune lang syne, but he's aye -spinnin' awa' yet." - - -=A Wife's Protection= - -"Wake up, wake up; there's a man in the house!" cried Mrs. Macdougal to -her husband the other night. Mac rolled out of bed and grasped his -revolver, and opened the door to sally forth for the robber. Then, -turning to his wife, he said: "Come, Maggie, and lead the way. It's a -cowardly man that would hurt a woman." - - -=Scotch Provincialism= - -A gentleman from Aberdeen was awoke one night lately in an hotel in -Princes Street by an alarm of fire. Upon going to the window, he called -out, "Watchman, far eist?" (Where is it?). The watchman thanked him and -went to the Register Office, where he found he was going in the wrong -direction and returned. On repassing the hotel, he was again called to -by the Aberdonian, who bawled out, "Watchman, far was't?" (Where was -it?) On looking up to him, the watchman replied, "Ye're a leein' -scoonril; ye first tell'd me it was far east, an' noo ye say it's far -west; but I tell ye it's neither e' tane or e' tither, cause it's ower -i' e' Coogate." - - -=More Polite than Some Smokers= - -The other day a man who indulged in "the weed," took a seat in a -carriage set apart for smokers on the Tynemouth line. He lost no time in -getting up a cloud, and whilst puffing away he was accosted by a decent -elderly female sitting in an opposite corner. - -"Is this a smokin' carriage, sor?" - -"Yes, good woman," he replied; "but if my pipe annoys you" (obligingly -taking it from his lips), "I'll put it out." - -"No, hinny," said she, drawing a well-used "cutty" from beneath her -shawl; "aa's gawin' to hev a pipe mesel'!" - - -=The Fly-fisher and the Highland Lassie= - -An English tourist visited Arran, and being a keen disciple of Isaac -Walton, was arranging to have a good day's sport. Being told that the -horse-fly would suit his purpose admirably for bait, he addressed -himself to Christy, the Highland servant-maid. "I say, my girl, can you -get me some horse-flies?" - -Christy looked stupid, and he repeated his question. Finding that she -did not yet comprehend him, he exclaimed: "Why, girl, did you never see -a horse-fly?" - -"Naa, Sir," said the girl; "but a wanse saw a coo jump over a -preshipice." - - -=Not at Home= - -One evening, John Clerk (Lord Eldon) had been dipping rather too freely -in the convivial bowl with a friend in Queen Street, and on emerging -into the open air, his intellect became to a considerable extent -confused, and not being able to distinguish objects with any degree of -minuteness or certainty, he thought himself in a fair way of losing the -road to his own house in Picardy Place. In this perplexity he espied -some one coming towards him, whom he stopped with this query: "D'ye ken -whaur John Clerk bides?" - -"What's the use o' your speerin' that question?" said the man; "you're -John Clerk himsel'." - -"I ken that," said John; "but it's no himsel' that's wanted--it's his -house." - - -=Faring Alike= - -_First Scotch Boatman_: "Weel, Geordie, how got ye on the day?" - -_Second Ditto_ (_droughty--he had been out with a Free Kirk minister, a -strict abstainer_): "Nae ava. The auld carle had nae whusky, sae I took -him where there was nae fush!" - - -="Saddling the Ass"= - -Dr. Guthrie, in the course of an address in the New Free College, -remarked that he was often annoyed and vexed beyond measure to find -discourses of the ablest character murdered and massacred by a wretched -delivery. Some ministers appeared to have a habit of emphasizing every -third word or so; and he would tell them an anecdote which he had heard -to illustrate the importance of correct reading. A minister once reading -I Kings xiii: 13, read it thus: "And the prophet said unto his sons, -_Saddle me the ass_. So they saddled _him_, the ass." - - -=An Open Question= - -A Scottish minister, being one day engaged in visiting some members of -his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could -not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little -he opened the door and walked in, saying with an authoritative voice, "I -should like to know who is head of this house?" "Weel, sir," said the -husband and father, "if ye sit down a wee, we'll maybe be able to tell -ye, for we're just trying to settle that point." - - -=Domestics in By-gone Days= - -Dean Ramsay records the following anecdote in his "Reminiscences of -Scottish Life and Character": The charge these old domestics used to -take in the interests of the family, and the cool way in which they took -upon them to protect those interests, sometimes led to very provoking -and sometimes to a very ludicrous exhibition of importance. A friend -told me of a dinner scene illustrative of this sort of interference -which had happened at Airth in the last generation. Mrs. Murry, of -Abercairney, had been amongst the guests, and at dinner one of the -family noticed that she was looking about for the proper spoon to help -herself to salt. The old servant, Thomas, was appealed to, that the want -might be supplied. He did not notice the appeal. It was repeated in a -more peremptory manner: "Thomas, Mrs. Murry has not a salt-spoon"; to -which he replied most emphatically, "Last time Mrs. Murry dined here we -_lost_ a salt-spoon." [7] - - -=A Misdeal= - -A celebrated Scotch divine had just risen up to the pulpit to lead the -congregation in prayer, when a gentlemen in front of the gallery took -out his handkerchief to wipe the dust from his brow, forgetting that a -pack of cards was wrapped up in it; the whole pack was scattered over -the breast of the gallery. The minister could not resist a sarcasm, -solemn as the act was in which he was about to engage. "O man, man! -surely your psalm-book has been ill-bund." - - -="A Sign of Grace"= - -A good story is told by Mr. Aird, Moderator of the Free Church of -Scotland, respecting a minister who in the old days of patronage was -forced upon a congregation at Alness. He was coldly received, but -calling one day upon an old elder, he took a chair in spite of his gruff -reception. In order to meet an awkward pause, he took out his snuff-box. -"Oh," said the elder, "ye tak' snuff, dae ye?" - -"Oh, yes," was the reply. - -"Weel," said the elder, "that's the fust sign of grace I've seen in ye." - -"How's that?" - -"Dae we nae read o' Solomon's temple," replied the elder, "that a' the -snuffers were of pure gold?" - - -=Extraordinary Absence of Mind= - -A certain Scottish professor was not more remarkable for his writings on -political economy, than for his frequent unconsciousness of what passed -before him. His absence of mind was so remarkable, that his wife once -wagered that she would accost him in the street, inquire after the -health of herself and family, and that he would not recognize her. She -actually won the wager. - -The professor was once taking a solitary walk on the banks of the canal, -into which in his abstraction, he walked. When within a yard of the -centre, an honest woman washing clothes behind him, bawled out, "Come -oot, come oot, fule body, or ye'll be droon't." - -These warning sounds invading the tympanum of the professorial ear, had -the effect of making him turn right about and forthwith recover the dry -ground. The good woman, concluding him to be an idiot, sympathetically -exclaimed, "Puir body! a weel, they hae muckle to answer for that lets -ye gang yer lane!" - - -=Salmon or Sermon= - -A clergyman in Perthshire, who was more skilful as an angler than -popular as a preacher, having fallen into conversation with some of his -parishioners on the benefits of early rising, mentioned as an instance, -that he had that very morning, before breakfast, composed a sermon, and -killed a salmon--an achievement on which he plumed himself greatly. -"Aweel, sir," observed one of the company, "I would rather have your -salmon than your sermon." - - -="Bock Again!"--A Prompt Answer= - -A countryman in Scotland, who was very fond of apples, especially if -they came cheap, was one day getting over the hedge into his neighbor's -orchard, who, happening to be walking towards the spot at the time, -cried out, "Hoot, hoot, Sandy, where are thee ganging?" - -"Bock again, now you are there," replied the thief, with the utmost -_sang froid_. - - -=A "Kippered" Divine= - -It is said that Dr. Chalmers once entertained a distinguished guest from -Switzerland, whom he asked if he would be helped to kippered salmon. The -foreign divine asked the meaning of the uncouth word "kippered," and was -told that it meant "preserved." The poor man, in public prayer, soon -after, offered a petition that the distinguished divine might long be -"kippered to the Free Church of Scotland." - - -=Scotch Caution versus Suretiship= - -The old Jews and the old Scotch Highlanders had one feeling in common--a -dread of suretiship. The Book of Proverbs contains several warnings of -the danger that lurks in a surety bond, but none are more admonishing -than one uttered by an Highlander. Donald had been tried for his life, -and narrowly escaped conviction. In discharging him the judge thought it -proper to say: "Prisoner, before you leave the bar, I'll give you a -piece of advice. You have got off this time, but if you ever come before -me, again, I'll be caution (surety) you'll be hanged." - -"Thank you, my lord," said Donald, "for your good advice, and as I'm no' -ungratefu', I beg to gie your lordship a piece of advice in turn. Never -be 'caution' for anybody, for the cautioner has often to pay the -penalty." - - -=A Descendant of the Stuarts= - -A gentleman from the north, being of a genealogical turn of mind, -believed that he had discovered in his pedigree some remote connection -with the royal Stuart blood. Going south, he made much of his presumed -relationship, until he was generally spoken of in bated breath by his -innocent English friends, "as a descendant of the Stuarts." At a public -gathering he was thus mentioned, and the description instantly engaged -the rapt attention of a new arrival from Caledonia. - -"A descendant o' the Stuarts!" he cried; "eh, sirs, I'd like feine to -see ane o' the royal race." - -"Then there he is," answered the interlocutor, pointing him -out--"there--the gentleman standing in front of the fireplace." - -"Gude sakes!" said the astonished Scot; "that's just my ain brither -Jack." - - -="Law" Set Aside by "Gospel"= - -It is related that a Scotch minister chanced to meet two of his -parishioners in the office of a lawyer, whom he regarded as being too -sharp. - -The lawyer jocularly and not very graciously put the question: "Doctor, -these are members of your flock; may I ask, do you look upon them as -black or white sheep?" - -"I don't know," answered the divine drily, "whether they are black or -white sheep, but I know if they are here long they are pretty sure to be -well fleeced." - - -="Knowledge--It Shall Vanish Away"= - -A gentleman was once riding in Scotland by a bleaching ground, where a -woman was at work watering her webs of linen-cloth. He asked her where -she went to church, what she heard, and how much she remembered of the -preceding day's sermon. She could not even remember the text. - -"And what good can the preaching do you," said he, "if you forget it -all?" - -"Ah, sir," replied the woman, "if you look at this web on the grass, you -will see that as fast as ever I put the water on it the sun dries it all -up; and yet, see, it grows whiter and whiter." - - -=A Harmless Joke= - -Sandy Merton was a half-witted fellow who lived in a small town in the -west of Scotland. One day Sandy entered the doctor's shop, carrying -under his arm a rusty gun. - -"Well, Alexander," said the doctor, "who gave you the gun?" - -"Maister Tamson, the publican, gied me it, an' he said the only kind o' -poother it wud shoot wi' was Seidlitz poother; sae gie I tuppence -worth." - - -=Looking before Leaping= - -A bluff, consequential gentleman from the South, with more beef on his -bones than brains in his head, riding along the Hamilton road, near to -Blantyre, asked a herdboy on the roadside, in a tone and manner -evidently meant to quiz, if he were "half way to Hamilton?" "Man," -replied the boy, "I wad need to ken where ye hae come frae afore I could -answer that question." - - -="Lichts Oot!"= - -An old Highland sergeant in one of the Scottish regiments, was going his -round one night to see that all the lights were out in the barrack -rooms. Coming to a room where he thought he saw a light shining, he -roared out: "Put oot that licht there!" - -One of the men shouted back: "Man, it's the mune, sergeant." - -Not hearing very well, the sergeant cried in return: "I dinna care a -tacket what it is--pit it oot!" - - -=A Teetotal Preacher Asks for "a Glass"--and Gets it= - -A teetotal minister, who was very particular about his toilet, went to -preach one Sunday for a brother minister in a parish in Kinross-shire. -On entering the vestry he looked around in search of a mirror, to see -that his appearance was all right before entering the pulpit, but, -failing to find one, he said to the beadle: "John, can I have a glass -before entering the pulpit?" - -"Certainly, sir!" replied John. "Just bide a wee, and I'll get ane for -ye immediately"; and he left the vestry at once. - -On his return the minister said: "Well, John, have you succeeded?" - -"Yes, sir," replied John; "I've brocht a gill. That'll be a glass for -the forenoon, and anither for the afternoon." - - -="Old Bags"= - -Lord Eldon, who was well known by the nick-name "Old Bags," in one of -his sporting excursions, unexpectedly came across a person who was -sporting over his land without leave. His lordship inquired if the -stranger was aware he was trespassing, or if he knew to whom the estate -belonged? "What's that to do with you?" was the reply. "I suppose you -are one of Old Bags' keepers." "No," replied his lordship, "I am Old -Bags himself." - - -=A Poem for the Future= - -The late Dr. Jamieson, the Scottish lexicographer, was vain of his -literary reputation, and, like many others who knew not where their -great strength lies, thought himself gifted with a kind of intellectual -able-to-do-everything. The doctor published a poem, entitled "Eternity." - -This poem became the subject of conversational remark, soon after -publication, at a party where the doctor was present, and a lady was -asked her opinion of it. "It's a bonny poem," said she, "and it's weel -named Eternity, for it will ne'er be read in time." - - -=A Badly Arranged Prayer= - -A Presbyterian minister in the reign of King William III, performing -public worship in the Tron Church at Edinburgh, used this remarkable -expression in his prayer: "Lord, have mercy upon all fools and idiots, -and particularly upon the Town Council of Edinburgh." [9] - - -=Simplicity of a Collier's Wife= - -A clergyman in a mining village not far from Riccarton, in the course of -his pastoral visits, called at the domicile of a collier in his parish. -Inquiring of a woman he saw, and whom he presumed to be his wife, if her -husband was at home, she said: "Deed, na, sir; he's at his work." - -"Is your husband, my good woman, a communicant?" - -"A communicant! He's naething o' the kind. He's just a collier." - -Astonished at the ignorance displayed, the clergyman could not help -ejaculating: "Oh, what darkness!" - -The collier's wife understanding the language literally, not -figuratively, was also astonished. - -"Darkness! Little ye ken o't. Had you been here before we got the extra -window in the gable ye would scarcely been able to see your finger afore -you." - -The pastor sighed. - -"I must, my dear woman, put up a petition for you here." - -"Petition--petition! Bide a wee. Nae petition (partition) will ye put up -here sae lang as I am in the house; but at the term we're going ower to -Newdiggings, and then ye may put as many o' them as ye like." - - -=A Scotch "Supply"= - -Many good stories have been told of the beadles of the Scottish -churches. The latest is as good as any: One Sabbath morning when a -minister of an Ayrshire Established Church was about to enter the -pulpit, he found that John, the precentor, had not arrived. He -instructed the beadle, who was also bellman, to ring for five minutes -longer while they waited to see if John came. - -When he returned, the minister inquired: "Has John come yet?" - -"No, sir," answered the beadle. - -"Most extraordinary! What are we to do? I see no help for it, but you -must take John's place yourself for a day." - -"Ah, no, sir," replied the beadle, "I couldna dae that. Aiblins I could -tak' _your_ place, but I couldna tak' John's." - - -=Praying for Wind= - -Dean Ramsay relates this incident: In one of our northern counties, a -rural district had its harvest operations seriously affected by -continuous rains. The crops being much laid, wind was desired in order -to restore them to a condition fit for the sickle. A minister in his -Sabbath services, expressed their wants in prayer as follows: "O Lord, -we pray thee to send us wind, no' a rantin' tantin' wind; but a noohin' -(noughin?) soughin', winnin' wind." - - -=Disturbed Devotions= - -The Rev. Dr. Alexander relates that there lived in Peebleshire a -half-witted man, who was in the habit of saying his prayers in a field -behind a turf-dyke. One day he was followed to this spot by some wags, -who secreted themselves on the opposite side listening to the man, who -expressed his conviction that he was a very great sinner, and that even -were the turf-dyke at that moment to fall upon him it would be no more -than he deserved. No sooner had he said this, than the persons on the -opposite side pushed the dyke over him, when, scrambling out, he was -heard to say: "Hech, sirs, it's an awfu' world this; a body canna say a -thing in a joke, but it's ta'en in earnest." [9] - - -=The "Tables" of "The Law"= - -When catechizing by the Scottish clergy was customary, the minister of -Coldingham, in Berwickshire, asked a simple country wife, who resided at -the farm of Coldingham Law, which was always styled "The Law" for -brevity's sake: "How many tables, Janet, are there in the law?" - -"Indeed, sir, I canna just be certain," was the simple reply; "but I -think there's ane in the fore room, ane in the back room, an' anither -upstairs." - - -="Eating Among the Brutes"= - -The Rev. Dr. M'C----, minister of Douglas, in Clydesdale, was one day -dining with a large party where the Hon. Henry Erskine and some lawyers -were present. A great dish of water-cresses being, according to the -fashion of the period, handed round after dinner, Dr. M'C----, who was -extravagantly fond of vegetables, helped himself much more largely than -any other person, and, as he ate with his fingers with a peculiar -voracity of manner, Mr. Erskine was struck with the idea that he -resembled Nebuchadnezzar in his state of condemnation. Resolved to give -the minister a hit for the grossness of his taste and manner of eating, -the wit addressed him with: "Dr. M'C----, ye bring me in mind of the -great king Nebuchadnezzar"; and the company were beginning to titter at -the ludicrous allusion, when the reverend devourer of cresses replied: -"Ay, do I mind ye o' Nebuchadnezzar? That'll be because I'm eating among -the brutes, then." - - -=An Angry Preacher= - -"I know what sort o' heaven you'd pe wanting," shouted an earnest and -excited Highland minister in the ears of an apathetic congregation, to -whom he had delivered, without any apparent effect, a vivid and -impressive address on the glory of heaven; "I know what sort o' heaven -you'd pe wantin'. You'd pe wantin' that all the seas would pe hot water, -that all the rivers would pe rivers of whiskey, and that all the hills -and mountains would be loaves o' sugar. That's the sort o' heaven you'd -pe wantin'; moreover," he added, warming to his work, "you'd pe wantin' -that all the corn-stooks would pe pipe staples and tobaccos, and -sweeshin'--that's the sort o' heaven you'd pe wantin'." - - -=A Comfortable Preacher= - -One Sunday, as a certain Scottish minister was returning homewards, he -was accosted by an old woman who said: "Oh, sir, well do I like the day -when you preach!" - -The minister was aware that he was not very popular, and he answered: -"My good woman, I am glad to hear it! There are too few like you. And -why do you like when I preach?" - -"Oh, sir," she replied, "when you preach I always get a good seat!" - - -="Haste" and "Leisure"= - -A clergyman in the north of Scotland, very -homely in his address, chose for his text a passage in the Psalms, "I -said in my haste all men are liars." "Ay," premised the minister by way -of introduction, "ye said in your haste, David, did ye?--gin ye had been -here, ye micht hae said it at your leisure, my man." - - -="Making Hay While the Sun Shines"= - -An anecdote is told of a certain Highland hotel-keeper, who was one day -bickering with an Englishman in the lobby of the inn regarding the bill. -The stranger said it was a gross imposition, and that he could live -cheaper in the best hotel in London; to which the landlord with -nonchalance replied, "Oh, nae doot, sir, nae doot; but do ye no' ken the -reason?" "No, not a bit of it," said the stranger hastily. "Weel, then," -replied the host, "as ye seem to be a sensible callant, I'll tell ye; -there's 365 days in the Lonnun hotel-keeper's calendar, but we have only -three months in ours! Do ye understand me noo, frien'? We maun mak' hay -in the Hielans when the sun shines, for it's unco seldom he dis't!" - - -=Speaking Figuratively= - -A preacher of the name of Ker, on being inducted into a church in -Teviotdale, told the people the relation there was to be between him and -them in the following words: "Sirs, I am come to be your shepherd, and -you must be my sheep, and the Bible will be my tar bottle, for I will -mark you with it"; and laying his hand on the clerk or precentor's head, -he said: "Andrew, you shall be my dog." "The sorra bit of your dog will -I be," said Andrew. "O, Andrew, you don't understand me; I speak -mystically," said the preacher. "Yes, but you speak mischievously," said -Andrew. [9] - - -=A Canny Witness= - -During a trial in Scotland, a barrister was examining an old woman, and -trying to persuade her to his view by some "leading questions." After -several attempts to induce her memory to recur to a particular -circumstance, the barrister angrily observed, "Surely you must remember -this fact--surely you can call to mind such and such a circumstance." -The witness answered, "I ha' tauld ye I can't tell; but if ye know so -much mair about it than I do (pointing to the judge), do'e tell maister -yerself." - - -=A Mother's Confidence in Her Son= - -Mrs. Baird received the news from India of the gallant but unfortunate -action of '84 against Hyder Ali, in which her son (then Captain Baird, -afterwards Sir David Baird) was engaged; it was stated that he and other -officers had been taken prisoners and chained together two and two. The -friends were careful in breaking such sad intelligence to the mother of -Captain Baird. When, however, she was made fully to understand the -position of her son and his gallant companions, disdaining all weak and -useless expressions of her own grief, and knowing well the restless and -athletic habits of her son, all she said was, "Lord, pity the chiel -that's chained to our Davy!" [7] - - -=Lord Clancarty and the Roman Catholic Chaplain= - -When Lord Clancarty was captain of a man-of-war in 1724, and was -cruising off the coast of Guinea, his lieutenant, a Scotch Presbyterian, -came hastily into the cabin, and told his lordship that the chaplain was -dead, and what was worse, he died a Roman Catholic. Lord Clancarty -replied that he was very glad of it. "Hoot fie, my lord," said the -officer, "what, are ye glad that yer chaplain died a pawpish?" "Yes," -answered his lordship, "for he is the first sea-parson I ever knew that -had any religion at all." [9] - - -=An Idiot's Views of Insanity= - -A clergyman in the north of Scotland, on coming into church one Sunday -morning, found the pulpit occupied by the parish idiot (a thing which -often happens in some English parishes--with this difference, that -instead of the minister finding the idiot in the pulpit, it is the -_people_ who find him). The authorities had been unable to remove him -without more violence than was seemly, and therefore waited for the -minister to dispossess Sam of the place he had, assumed. "Come down, -sir, immediately," was the peremptory and indignant call; and on Sam -remaining unmoved, it was repeated with still greater energy. Sam, -however, very confidentially replied, looking down from his elevation, -"Na, na, meenister, just ye come up wi' me. This is a perverse -generation, and faith, they need us baith." [7] - - -=Lord Mansfield and a Scotch Barrister on Pronunciation= - -A man who knows the world, will not only make the most of everything he -does know, but of many things he does not know, and will gain more -credit by his adroit mode of hiding his ignorance, than the pedant by -his awkward attempt to exhibit his erudition. In Scotland, the "_jus et -norma loquendi_" has made it the fashion to pronounce the law term -curator curator. Lord Mansfield gravely corrected a certain Scotch -barrister when in court, reprehending what appeared to English usage a -false quantity, by repeating--"Curator, sir, if you please." The -barrister immediately replied, "I am happy to be corrected by so great -an orator as your lordship." - - -=Satisfactory Security= - -Patrick Forbes, Bishop of Aberdeen, had lent an unlucky brother money, -until he was tired out, but the borrower renewed his application, and -promised security. The bishop on that condition consented to the loan: -"But where is your security?" said he, when the poor fellow replied: -"God Almighty is my bondsman in providence; he is the only security I -have to offer." So singular a reply of a despairing man smote the -feelings of the bishop, and he thus replied: "It is the first time -certainly that such a security was ever offered to me; and since it is -so, take the money, and may Almighty God, your bondsman, see that it -does you good." [9] - - -=Better than a Countess= - -Mrs. Coutts, wife of the eminent banker, and previously Miss Mellon, the -celebrated actress, made her appearance one day at one of the principal -promenades in Edinburgh, dressed in a most magnificent style, so as to -quite overawe our northern neighbors. "Hoot, mon," said a gentleman -standing by, who did not know who she was, "yon's a braw lady; she'll be -a countess, I'm thinking." "No," replied an eminent banker, "not just a -_countess_, but what's better, a _dis-countess_." - - -=Remembering Each Other= - -Mr. Miller, of Ballumbie, had occasion to find fault with one of his -laborers, who had been improvident, and known better days. He was -digging a drain, and he told him if he did not make better work he -should turn him off. The man was very angry, and throwing down his -spade, called out in a tone of resentment, "Ye are ower pridefeu', Davie -Miller. I mind ye i' the warld when ye had neither cow nor ewe." "Very -well," replied Mr. Miller, mildly, "I remember you when you had both." - - -=Marriages Which are Made in Heaven--How Revealed= - -Archbishop Leighton never was married. While he held the See of -Dumblane, he was of course a subject of considerable interest to the -celibate ladies in the neighborhood. One day he received a visit from -one of them who had reached the age of desperation. Her manner was -solemn though somewhat embarrassed; it was evident from the first that -there was something very particular on her mind. The good bishop spoke -with his usual kindness, encouraged her to be communicative, and by and -by drew from her that she had had a very strange dream, or rather, as -she thought, a revelation from heaven. On further questioning, she -confessed that it had been intimated to her that she was to be united in -marriage to the bishop. One may imagine what a start this gave to the -quiet scholar, who had long ago married his books, and never thought of -any other bride. He recovered, however, and very gently addressing her, -said that "Doubtless these intimations were not to be despised. As yet, -however, the designs of heaven were but imperfectly explained, as they -had been revealed to only one of the parties. He would wait to see if -any similar communication should be made to himself, and whenever it -happened he would be sure to let her know." Nothing could be more -admirable than this humor, except perhaps the benevolence shown in so -bringing an estimable woman off from a false position. [9] - - -=Not Up to Sample= - -"How did it happen," asked a lady of a very silly Scotch nobleman, "that -the Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, -men of more ability than those who remained at home?" - -"Oh, madam," said he, "the reason is obvious. At every outlet there are -persons stationed to examine all who pass, that for the honor of the -country, no one be permitted to leave it who is not a man of -understanding." - -"Then," said she, "I suppose your lordship was smuggled." - - -=The Queen's Daughters--or "Appearances Were Against Them"= - -A good many years ago, when her majesty was spending a short time in the -neighborhood of the Trossachs, the Princesses Louise and Beatrice paid -an unexpected visit to an old female cottager on the slopes of -Glenfinlas, who, knowing that they had some connection with the royal -household, bluntly ejaculated: "Ye'll be the Queen's servants, I'm -thinkin'?" - -"No," they quietly rejoined; "we are the Queen's daughters." - -"Ye dinna look like it," was the immediate reply of the unusually -outspoken Celt, "as ye hae neither a ring on your fingers, nor a bit -gowd i' your lugs!" - - -="Oo"--with Variations= - -The following is a dialogue between a Scotch shopman and a customer, -relating to a plaid hanging at the shop door: - -_Customer (inquiring the material)_: "Oo" (Wool)? - -_Shopman_: "Ay, oo" (Yes, wool). - -_Customer_: "A' oo" (All wool)? - -_Shopman_: "Ay, a' oo" (Yes, all wool). - -_Customer_: "A' ae oo" (All same wool)? - -_Shopman_: "Ay, a' _ae_ oo" (Yes, all the same wool). [7] - - -=A Widow's Promise= - -The clerk of a large parish, not five miles from Bridgenorth, Scotland, -perceiving a female crossing a churchyard in a widow's garb with a -watering can and bundle, had the curiosity to follow her, and he -discovered her to be Mrs. Smith, whose husband had not long been -interred. - -The following conversation took place: - -"Ah, Mrs. Smith, what are you doing with your watering can?" - -"Why, Mr. Prince, I have begged a few hay-seeds, which I have in a -bundle, and am going to sow them upon my husband's grave, and have -brought a little water with me to make 'em spring." - -"You have no occasion to do that, as the grass will soon grow upon it," -replied the clerk. - -"Ah, Mr. Prince, that may be; but, do you know, my husband, who now -lives there, made me promise him on his death-bed I would never marry -again till the grass grew over his grave, and having a good offer made -me, I dinna wish to break my word, or be kept as I am." - - -=Drunken Wit= - -The late Rev. Mr. Neal, one of the ministers of the West Church, when -taking a walk in the afternoon, saw an old woman sitting by the roadside -evidently much intoxicated, with her bundle lying before her in the mud. -He immediately recognized her to be one of his parishioners. - -"Will you just help me with my bundle, gudeman?" said she, as he -stopped. - -"Fie, fie, Janet," said the pastor, "to see the like o' you in such a -plight. Do you not know where all drunkards go to?" - -"Ah, sure," said Janet, "they just go whaur a drap o' gude drink is to -be got." - - -=Popularity Tested by the Collection= - -The late Dr. Cook, of Addington, after assisting the late Dr. Forsyth, -of Morham, at a communion service, repaired as usual to the manse. While -in the enjoyment of a little social intercourse, the minister of -Morham--which, by the way, is one of the smallest parishes in -Scotland--quietly remarked to his brother divine: "Doctor, you must be a -very popular man in the parish." "Ay," replied the doctor, "how's that?" -"Why," rejoined the other, "our usual collection is threepence, but -to-day it is ninepence!" "Eh, is that all?" said Dr. Cook, "then wae's -me for my popularity, for I put in the extra sixpence myself!" - - -=An "Exceptional" Prayer= - -A minister in the North, returning thanks in his prayers one Sabbath for -the excellent harvest, began as usual, "O Lord, we thank Thee," etc., -and went on to mention the abundance of the harvest and its safe -ingathering; but feeling anxious to be quite candid and scrupulously -truthful, added, "all except a few fields between this and Stonehaven -_not worth mentioning_." - - -="Verra Weel Pitched"= - -A Scotchman was riding a donkey one day across a sheep pasture, but when -the animal came to a sheep drain he would not go over. So the man rode -back a short distance, turned, and applied the whip, thinking, of -course, that the donkey, when at the top of his speed, would jump the -drain. But when the donkey got to the drain he stopped sharply and the -man went over his head and cleared the drain. No sooner had he touched -the ground than he got up, and, looking the beast straight in the face, -said: "Verra weel pitched, but, then, hoo are ye goin' to get ower -yersel'?" - - -=An Out-of-the-Way Reproof= - -King James I, being one day in the North, a violent tempest burst loose -and a church being the nearest building, his majesty took shelter there, -and sat down in an obscure and low seat. The minister had just mounted -the pulpit and soon recognized the king, notwithstanding his plain -costume. He commenced his sermon, however, and went on with it logically -and quietly, but at last, suddenly starting off at a tangent, he -commenced to inveigh most violently against the habit of swearing, and -expatiated on this subject till the end of his discourse. - -After the sermon was ended the king had his dinner, to which he invited -the minister, and when the bottle had circulated for a while: "Parson," -says the king, "why didst thou flee so from thy text?" - -"If it please your majesty," was the reply, "when you took the pains to -come so far out of your way to hear me, I thought it very good manners -for me to step a little way out of my text to meet with your majesty." - -"By my saul, mon," exclaimed James, "and thou hast met with me so as -never mon did." - -It will be remembered that James I was notorious for cursing and -swearing, in a manner almost verging on blasphemy. [9] - - -=A Castle Stor(e)y= - -A Glasgow antiquary recently visited an old castle, and asked one of the -villagers if he knew anything of an old story about the building. - -"Ay," said the rustic, "there was another auld storey, but it fell down -lang since." - - -=A Satisfactory Explanation= - -A trial took place before a bailie, who excelled more as a citizen than -as a scholar. A witness had occasion to refer to the testimony of a man -who had died recently, and he spoke of him frequently as the defunct. - -Amazed at the constant repetition of a word he did not understand, the -bailie petulantly said: "What's the use o' yer talkin' sae muckle aboot -the man Defunct? Canna ye bring him here and let him speak for himsel'?" - -"The defunct's dead, my lord," replied the witness. - -"Oh, puir man, that alters the case," said the sapient administrator of -the law. - - -=Sandy's Reply to the Sheriff= - -Sandy Gibb, master-blacksmith in a certain town in Scotland, was -summoned as a witness to the Sheriff-Court in a case of two of his -workmen. The sheriff, after hearing the testimony, asked Sandy why he -did not advise them to settle, seeing the costs had already amounted to -three times the disputed claim. Sandy's reply was, "I advised the fules -to settle, for I saw that the shirra-officer wad tak' their coates, the -lawwers their sarks, an' gif they got to your lordship's haunds ye'd -tear the skin aff them." Sandy was ordered to stand down. - - -=A Grammatical Beggar= - -A beggar some time ago applied for alms at the door of a partisan of the -Anti-begging Society. After in vain detailing his manifold sorrows, the -inexorable gentleman peremptorily dismissed him: "Go away," said he, -"go, we canna gie ye naething." - -"You might at least," replied the mendicant, with an air of arch -dignity, "have refused me grammatically." - - -=Good Enough to Give Away= - -A woman entered a provision shop and asked for a pound of butter, "an' -look ye here, guidman," she exclaimed, "see an' gie me it guid, for the -last pound was that bad I had to gie't awa' to the wifie next door." - - -=A Dry Preacher= - -On one occasion when coming to church, Dr. Macknight, who was a much -better commentator than preacher, having been caught in a shower of -rain, entered the vestry, soaked through. Every means were used to -relieve him from his discomfort; but as the time drew on for divine -service, he became very querulous, and ejaculated over and over again: -"Oh! I wish that I was dry! Do you think that I am dry? Do you think -that I am dry eneuch noo?" Tired by these endless complaints, his jocose -colleague, Dr. Henry, the historian, at last replied: "Bide a wee, -doctor, and ye'se be dry eneuch, gin ye once get into the pu'pit." [9] - - -=A Poetical Question and Answer= - -Mr. Dewar, a shop-keeper at Edinburgh, being in want of silver for a -bank note, went into the shop of a neighbor of the name of Scott, whom -he thus addressed: - - "Master Scott, - Can you change me a note?" - -Mr. Scott's reply was: - - "I'm not very sure, but I'll see." - -Then going into his back room he immediately returned and added: - - - "Indeed, Mr. Dewar, - It's out of my power, - For my wife's away with the key." - - -=Drinking by Candle Light= - -The taverns to which Edinburgh lawyers of a hundred years ago resorted -were generally very obscure and mean--at least they would appear such -now; and many of them were situated in the profound recesses of the old -town, where there was no light from the sun, the inmates having to use -candles continually. - -A small party of legal gentlemen happened one day to drop into one of -these dens; and as they sat a good while drinking, they at last forgot -the time of day. Taking their impressions from the candles, they just -supposed that they were enjoying an ordinary evening debauch. - -"Sirs," said one of them at last, "it's time to rise; ye ken I'm a -married man, and should be early at home." And so they all rose, and -prepared to stagger home through the streets, which at night were but -dimly lighted with oil; when, lo and behold! on their emerging from the -tavern, they suddenly found themselves projected into the blaze of a -summer afternoon, and at the same time, under the gaze of a thousand -curious eyes, which were directed to their tipsy and negligent figures. - - -=Disqualified to be a Country Preacher= - -The gentleman who has been rendered famous by the pen of Burns, under -the epithet of _Rumble John_, was one Sunday invited to preach in a -parish church in the Carse of Stirling, where, as there had been a long -course of dry weather, the farmers were beginning to wish for a gentle -shower; for the sake of their crops then on the eve of being ripe. Aware -of this Mr. Russell introduced a petition, according to custom, into his -last prayer, for a change of weather. He prayed, it is said, that the -windows of heaven might be opened, and a flood fall to fatten the ground -and fulfill the hopes of the husbandmen. This was asking too much; for, -in reality, nothing was wanting but a series of very gentle showers. As -if to show how bad a farmer he was, a thunder storm immediately came on, -of so severe a character, that before the congregation was dismissed, -there was not an upright bean-stalk in the whole of the Carse. The -farmers, on seeing their crops so much injured, and that apparently by -the ignorance of the clergyman, shook their heads to one another as they -afterwards clustered about the churchyard; and one old man was heard to -remark to his wife, as he trudged indignantly out, "That lad may be very -gude for the town, as they say he is, but I'm clear that he disna -understan' _the kintra_." - - -=Grim Humor= - -An English traveler was taking a walk through a Scotch fishing village, -and being surprised at the temerity of the children playing about the -pier, he said to a woman who stood by: "Do not the children frequently -drop in?" - -"Ay, ay, the fule things, they often fa' ower the pier," she answered -coolly. - -"God bless me! Lost of course?" - -"Na, na," was the reply; "noo and then, to be sure, a bairn's drooned, -but unfortunately there's maistly some idle body in the way to fish oot -the deevils!" - - -=Sabbath Zeal= - -The reverence for the Sabbath in Scotland sometimes takes a form one -would have hardly anticipated. An old Highland man said to an English -tourist: "They're a God-fearin' set o' folks here, 'deed they are, an' -I'll give ye an instance o't. Last Sabbath, just as the kirk was -skalin', there was a drover chiel frae Dumfries along the road, -whistlin' and lookin' as happy as if it was ta middle o' ta week. Weel, -sir, our laads is a God-fearin' set o' laads, and they yokit upon him -an' a'most killed him." - - -=At the End of His Tether= - -An old Scotch lady was told that her minister used notes. She -disbelieved it. Said one: "Go into the gallery and see!" - -She did so, and saw the written sermon. After the luckless preacher had -concluded his reading on the last page, he said: "But I will not -enlarge." - -The old woman cried out from her lofty position: "Ye canna! ye canna, -for yer paper's give oot!" - - -=A Thrifty Proposal= - -It is said that before the opening of the Glasgow Exhibition the laying -out of the garden and grounds were under discussion, and it was -suggested that a gondola would look ornamental on the water. - -"Well," said a member of the town council, "I think we may as well have -a _pair_, and they might _breed_." - - -=Was He a Liberal or a Tory?= - -A keen politician, in the City of Glasgow, heard one day of the death of -a party opponent, who in a fit of a mental aberration, had shot himself. -"Ah," said he, "gane awa' that way by himsel', has he? I wish that he -had ta'en twa or three days' shooting among his friends before he went!" - - -=Advice on Nursing= - -A bachelor of seventy and upwards came one day to Bishop Alexander, of -Dunkeld, and said he wished to marry a girl of the neighborhood whom he -named. The bishop, a non-juring Scottish Episcopalian of the middle of -last century, and himself an old bachelor, inquired into the motive of -this strange proceeding, and soon drew from the old man the awkward -apology, that he married to have a nurse. Too knowing to believe such a -statement, the good bishop quietly replied, "See, John, then, and make -her ane." - - -=A Critic on His Own Criticism= - -Lord Eldon, so remarkable for his naif expression, being reminded, of a -criticism which he had formerly made upon a picture which he himself had -forgotten, inquired, "Did I say that?" "Yes." "Then if I said that," -quoth the self-satisfied wit, "it was _deevilish gude_." - - -=Holding A Candle to the Sun= - -A wet and witty barrister, one Saturday encountered an equally -Bacchanalian senatorial friend, in the course of a walk to Leith. -Remembering that he had a good joint of mutton roasting for dinner, he -invited his friend to accompany him home; and they accordingly dined -together, _secundum morem solitum_. After dinner was over, wine and -cards commenced; and, as they were each fond of both, neither thought of -reminding the other of the advance of time, till the church bell next -day disturbed them in their darkened room about a quarter before eleven -o'clock. The judge then rising to depart, Mr. ---- walked behind him to -the outer door, with a candle in each hand, by way of showing him out. -"Tak' care, my lord, tak' care," cried the kind host most anxiously, -holding the candles out of the door into the sunny street, along which -the people were pouring churchwards; "Tak' care; there's twa steps." - - -=A False Deal= - -A gentleman was one night engaged with a judge in a tremendous drinking -bout which lasted all night, and till within a single hour of the time -when the court was to open next morning. The two cronies had little more -than time to wash themselves in their respective houses when they had to -meet again, in their professional capacities of judge and pleader, in -the Parliament House. Mr. Clerk (afterwards Lord Eldon), it appears, -had, in the hurry of his toilet, thrust the pack of cards he had been -using over night into the pocket of his gown; and thus as he was going -to open up the pleading, in pulling out his handkerchief, he also pulled -out fifty-two witnesses of his last night's debauch, which fell -scattered within the bar. "Mr. Clerk," said his judicial associate in -guilt, with the utmost coolness, "before ye begin, I think ye had better -take up your hand." - - -=A Scotch Matrimonial Jubilee= - -Two fishwives in London were talking about the Queen's jubilee. "Eh, -wumman," said one to the other, "can ye tell me what a jubilee is, for I -hear a' the folks spakin' aboot it?" - -"Ou, ay," replied the other, "I can tell ye that. Ye see when a man and -a wumman has been marrit for five-and-twenty years, that's a silver -waddin; and when they've been marrit for fifty years, that's a gouden -waddin; but when the man's deed, that's a jubilee!" - - -=A Drunkard's Thoughts= - -An inebriate, some time back, got into a tramcar in Glasgow, and became -very troublesome to the other passengers; so much so that it was -proposed to eject him. A genial and right reverend doctor, who was also -a passenger took him in hand, however, and soothed him into good -behavior for the rest of the journey. Before leaving, the man shook -hands warmly with the doctor, after scowling at the other occupants of -the car, and said: "Good-day, my freen', I see ye ken what it is to be -foo'." - - -=A Lofty "Style"= - -The late Mr. Andrew Balfour, one of the judges in the Commissary Court -of Edinburgh, used to talk in a very pompous and inflated style of -language. Having made an appointment with the late Honorable Henry -Erskine, on some particular business, and failing to attend, he -apologized for it, by telling the learned barrister that his brother, -the Laird of Balbirnie, in passing from one of his enclosures to -another, had fallen down from the stile and sprained his ankle. This -trifling accident he related in language highly pedantic and -bombastical. The witty advocate, with his usual vivacity, replied, "It -was very fortunate for your brother, Andrew, that it was not from _your_ -style he fell, or he had broken his neck, instead of spraining his -ankle!" - -During the time the above-named gentleman presided in court, his sister, -Miss Balfour, happened to be examined as a witness in a cause then -before the court. Andrew began in his pompous way, by asking, "Woman, -what is thy name? what is thy age? and where is thy usual place of -residence?" To which interrogatories Miss Balfour only replied, by -staring him broad in the face, when the questions were again repeated, -with all the grimace and pedantry he was master of, which the lady, -observing, said, "Dear me, Andrew, do ye no ken yer ain sister?" To -which the judge answered, "Woman, when I sit in court I administer -justice; I know no one, neither father or mother, sister or brother!" - - -=Depression--Delight--Despair= - -Three boys at school, learning their catechism, the one asked the other -how far he had got. To this he answered, "I'm at 'A State o' Sin and -Misery.'" He then asked another what length he was, to which he replied, -"I'm just at 'Effectual Calling.'" They were both anxious, of course, to -learn how far he was himself, and having asked him, he answered, "Past -Redemption." - - -=An Earl's Pride and Parsimony= - -A late nobleman, in whose character vanity and parsimony were the most -remarkable features, was, for a long time before he died, in the habit -of retailing the produce of his dairy and his orchard to the children -and poor people of the neighborhood. It is told, that one day observing -a pretty little girl tripping through his grounds with a milk pipkin, he -stooped to kiss her; after which he said, in a pompous tone, "Now, my -dear, you may tell your grandchildren, and tell them in their turn to -tell their grandchildren, that you had once the honor of receiving a -kiss from the Right Hon--the Earl of ----." The girl looked up in his -face, and, with a strange mixture of simplicity and archness, remarked, -"But ye took the penny for the milk, though!" - - -=Question and Answer= - -At a church in Scotland, where there was a popular call, two candidates -offered to preach of the names of Adam and Low. The last preached in the -morning, and took for his text, "Adam, where art thou?" He made a most -excellent discourse, and the congregation were much edified. In the -evening Mr. Adam preached, and took for his text, "Lo, here am I!" The -_impromptu_ and his sermon gained him the church. - - -=Robbing "On Credit"= - -Soon after the battle of Preston, two Highlanders, in roaming through -the south of Mid-Lothian, entered the farm-house of Swanston, near the -Pentland Hills, where they found no one at home but an old woman. They -immediately proceeded to search the house, and soon, finding a web of -coarse home-spun cloth, made no scruple to unroll and cut off as much as -they thought would make a coat for each. The woman was exceedingly -incensed at their rapacity, and even had the hardihood to invoke divine -vengeance upon their heads. "Ye villains!" she cried, "ye'll ha'e to -account for this yet!" - -"And when will we pe account for't?" - -"At the last day, ye blackguards!" exclaimed the woman. - -"Ta last tay!" replied the Highlander; "tat pe cood long credit--we'll -e'en pe tak' a waistcoat, too!" at the same time cutting off a few -additional yards of the cloth. - - -=Taking a Light Supper= - -A poet being at supper where the fare was very scanty, and not of -first-rate quality, said the following grace: - - "O Thou, who blessed the loaves and fishes, - Look down upon these two poor dishes; - And though the 'taties be but sma', - Lord, make them large enough for a'; - For if they do our bellies fill, - 'Twill be a wondrous miracle!" - - -=Rustic Notion of the Resurrection= - -It is the custom in Scotland for the elders to assist the minister in -visiting the sick; and on such occasions they give the patient and the -surrounding gossips the benefit of prayers. Being generally well -acquainted in the different families, they often sit an hour or two -after the sacred rites, to chat with those who are in health, and to -receive the benefit of a dram. On one of these occasions in the house of -Donald M'Intyre, whose wife had been confined to her fireside and -armchair for many years, the elder and Donald grew _unco' gracious_. -Glass after glass was filled from the bottle, and the elder entered into -a number of metaphysical discussions, which he had heard from the -minister. Among other topics was the resurrection. The elder was -strenuous in support of the rising of the same body; but Donald could -not comprehend how a body once dissolved in the dust could be -reanimated. At last, catching what he thought a glimpse of the subject, -he exclaimed, "Weel, weel, Sandy, ye're richt sae far; you and me, that -are strong, healthy folk, _may_ rise again; but that _puir_ thing there, -_far_ she sits" (that poor thing, where she sits) "she'll ne'er rise -again." - - -=A Definition of Baptism= - -A Scotch clergyman, one day catechising his flock in the church, the -beadle, or church officer, being somewhat ill-read in the catechism, -thought it best to keep a modest place near the door, in the hope of -escaping the inquisition. But the clergyman observed and called him -forward. "John," said he, "what is baptism?" "Ou, sir," answered John, -scratching his head, "ye ken, it's just saxpence to me, and fifteenpence -to the precentor." - - -=No End to His Wit= - -A gentleman in the west of Scotland, celebrated for his wit, was -conversing with a lady, who, at last, overpowered by the brilliance and -frequency of his _bon mots_, exclaimed, "Stop, sir; there is really no -end to your wit." "God forbid, madam," replied the humorist, "that I -should ever be at my wit's end." - - -=Leaving the Lawyers a Margin= - -A man from the country applied lately to a respectable solicitor in this -town for legal advice. After detailing the circumstances of the case, he -was asked if he had stated the facts exactly as they occurred. "Ou, ay, -sir," rejoined the applicant, "I thought it best to tell you the plain -truth; ye can put the _lees_ till't yoursel'." - - -=A Lunatic's Advice to Money Lenders= - -The following curious conversation actually occurred in a garden -attached to a lunatic asylum, near Dumfries. The interlocutors were the -keeper, a very respectable man, and one of the most manageable of his -patients: - -"Tak' it easy, tak' it easy, Jamie; ye're no working against time, man; -and when you come near the border, be sure and keep your feet aff the -flowers." - -"The flowers! hurt the bonnie sweet flowers!" said Jamie; "Na, na, I'm -no sae daft as that comes to, neither; I wad as soon chap off my ain -fingers as crush ane o' them. There's the summer snaw-drap already -keeking through its green sheath; as weel as daisies and primroses, an' -the thing they ca' rocket; although it would mak' but a puir cracker on -the king's birthday--He! he! he! Ay, there's heartsease and rowantree, -sprigs o' which I aye wear next my skin; the tane to fleg awa' the -witches, an' the tither to keep my heart frae beating. An' there's the -ginty wee flower that I gied a bit o' to Tibby Dalrymple, wha tint her -wits for love, an' wha said sae muckle to me through the grating o' her -cell, about the gude that the smell o' the flower wad do her, that I -couldna find i' my heart to deny her, puir thing." - -"Very weel, Jamie," replied the keeper, "be a guid lad, an' continue to -dress that little corner until I come back frae the sands." - -"Ou, ay!" rejoined Jamie, "this is Wednesday, an' you'll be gaun down to -meet wi' some o' your country friends. It's changed time wi' them, I -jalous; whaur the public-house used to sell a gallon o' whiskey, they -dinna sell a mutchkin noo, I hear; but that's naething, their customers -will get sooner hame to their families; an' then they'll be fewer bane -broken riding fule races. But tak' care o' yoursel', Mr. ----, tak' care -that some o' them dinna come Yorkshire ower you. They'll be inviting you -in to tak' a dram, nae doubt, an' making a puir mouth about the badness -o' times, trying to borrow a little siller frae you. But if I was you, -I'll tell ye what I wad dae. I wad get twa purses made, and ca' ane o' -them '_Somebody_,' and the ither '_A' the World_'; an' next I wad pit a' -my siller in the first, and no' a bawbee in the second; and then, when -any o' them spak' o' borrowing, I wad whup out the toom purse, and -shaking't before the chiel's een, swear that I hadna a ha'penny in '_A' -the World_,' until I gat it frae '_Somebody_!'" - - -=Prophesying= - -A country clergyman, who, on Sundays, is more indebted to his manuscript -than to his memory, called unceremoniously at a cottage while its -possessor, a pious parishioner, was engaged (a daily exercise) in -perusing a paragraph of the writing of an inspired prophet. "Weel, -John," familiarly inquired the clerical visitant, "what's this you are -about?" "I am prophesying," was the prompt reply. "Prophesying!" -exclaimed the astonished divine; "I doubt you are only reading a -prophesy." "Weel," argued the religious rustic, "gif reading a preachin' -be preachin', is na reading a prophecy prophesying?" - - -=Definition of Metaphysics= - -A Scotch blacksmith being asked the meaning of "Metaphysics," explained -it as follows: "When the party who listens dinna ken what the party who -speaks means, and when the party who speaks dinna ken what he means -himself--that is 'metaphysics.'" - - -=His Word and His Bond Equally Binding= - -A crusty tenant of the late Laird D----, pressing him to complete some -piece of work which had long stood over, the laird craved further delay, -adding that he would give his word of honor--nay, his written bond, to -have the thing done before a certain day. - -"Your word!" exclaimed the tenant, "it's weel kenn'd _that_ will do me -little guid; and as for your writing, naebody can read it." - - -=Bad Arithmeticians often Good Book-Keepers= - -Sir Walter Scott, in lending a book one day to a friend, cautioned him -to be punctual in returning it. "This is really necessary," said the -poet in apology; "for though many of my friends are bad -_arithmeticians_, I observe almost all of them to be good -_book-keepers_." - - -=Curious Misunderstanding= - -An itinerant vendor of wood in Aberdeen having been asked how his wife -was, replied, "O she's fine, I hae ta'en her to Banchory"; and on it -being innocently remarked that the change of air would do her good, he -looked up and with a half-smile said, "Hoot, she's i' the kirkyard." - - -="Terms--'Cash Down'"= - -A story is told of a member of the Scotch Faculty of Advocates, -distinguished for his literary attainments. One day, presenting himself -on horseback at a toll, he found, on searching his pockets, that he had -not a farthing about him wherewith to purchase a right of passage. He -disclosed his circumstances to the man who kept the bar, and requested -that he might have credit till he came back; but the fellow was deaf to -all entreaties, representing how often he had been bilked by persons -promising the same thing. The advocate was offended at this insinuation, -and, drawing himself up in the saddle, exclaimed: "Look at my face, sir, -and say if you think I am likely to cheat you?" The man looked as he was -desired, but answered, with a shake of his head, "I'll thank you for the -twapence, sir." Mr. ---- was obliged to turn back. - - -=Forcing a Judge to Obey the Law= - -The Lord Justice-Clerk is the chief judge of the Scottish Criminal -Court, in addition to which dignity he sits at the head of one division -of the great Civil Court of the country. It will thus be understood by a -southern reader that he is a personage of no small local dignity. A -bearer of this office was once shooting over the grounds of a friend in -Ayrshire by himself, when a game-keeper, who was unacquainted with his -person, came up and demanded to see his license, or card of permission. -His lordship had, unfortunately nothing of the sort about his person; -but, secure in his high character and dignity, he made very light of the -omission, and was preparing to renew his sport. The man, however, was -zealous in his trust, and sternly forbad him to proceed any further over -the fields. "What, sirrah," cries his lordship, "do you know whom you -are speaking to? I am the Lord Justice-Clerk!" "I dinna care," replied -the man, "whase clerk ye are; but ye maun shank aff these grounds, or, -by my saul, I'll lay your feet fast." The reader is left to conceive the -astonishment of the unfortunate judge at finding himself treated in a -style so different from his wont. - - -="Nothing," and How to See It= - -An Irish priest, proceeding to chapel, observed several girls seated on -a tombstone, and asked them what they were doing there? "Nothing at all, -please your riverence," was the reply of one of them. "Nothing?" said -the priest; "what is nothing?" - -"Shut your eyes, your riverence," retorted the girl, "and you'll see -it." - - -=Why Not?= - -A gentleman the other day, visiting a school at Edinburgh, had a book -put in his hand for the purpose of examining a class. The word -"inheritance" occurring in the verse, the querist interrogated the -youngest as follows: - -"What is inheritance?" - -"Patrimony." - -"What is patrimony?" - -"Something left by a father." - -"What would you call it if left by a mother?" - -"Matrimony." - - -=True (perhaps) of Other Places than Dundee= - -In the committee on the factory bill, the following sensible question -was put to a witness named Peter Stuart, the overseer of the factory at -Dundee. Question: "When do your girls marry?" "_Whenever they can meet -with men!_" - - -=Pretending to Make a Will= - -An old gentleman was one evening amusing the junior members of his -family, and a number of their acquaintances, by making up a sort of -imaginary will, in which he destined so much to one and so much to -another; the eight-day clock to his niece or nephew, the bed to that, -the table to a third, and so on. "But what will you leave to me, Mr. -K.----?" said a lady, who felt impatient to know what was to be her lot. -"I leave you _out_," replied the testator. - - -=Unusual for a Scotchman= - -A countryman having read in the newspapers accounts of different bank -failures, and having a hundred pounds deposited in a respectable banking -company in Aberdeen, he became alarmed for its safety, hastened to town, -and, calling at the bank, presented his deposit receipt, and, on -demanding his money was paid, as is customary, with notes of the bank; -he grasped them in his hand, and having got within reach of the door -turned round, and exclaimed, "Noo, sir, ye may braik when ye like." - - -=An Author and His Printer= - -It is well known to literary people, that, in preparing works for the -printer, after the proof sheets have been seen by the author, to go over -them again, and clear them of what are called typographical errors--such -as wrong spellings, inaccuracies of punctuation, and similar -imperfections. In performing this office for a celebrated northern -critic and editor, a printer, now dead, was in the habit of introducing -a much greater number of commas than it appeared to the author the sense -required. The case was provoking, but did not produce a formal -remonstrance, until Mr. W----n himself accidentally afforded the learned -editor an opportunity of signifying his dissatisfaction with the -plethora of punctuation under which his compositions were made to labor. -The worthy printer coming to a passage one day which he did not -understand, very naturally took it into his head that it was -unintelligible, and transmitted it to his employer, with a remark on the -margin, that there appeared some "obscurity in it." - -The sheet was immediately returned, with the reply, which we give -_verbatim_: "Mr. J---- sees no obscurity here, except such as arises -from the quantity of commas, which Mr. W----n seems to keep in a -pepper-box beside him, for the purpose of dusting all his proofs with." - - -=A Keen Reproof= - -A certain person, to show his detestation of Hume's infidel opinions -always left any company where he happened to be, if Hume joined it. The -latter, observing this, took occasion one day to reprehend it as -follows: "Friend," said he, "I am surprised to find you display such a -pointed aversion to me; I would wish to be upon good terms with you -here, as, upon your own system, it seems very probable we shall be -doomed to the same place hereafter. You think I shall be dammed for want -of faith, and I fear you will have the same fate for want of charity." - - -=The Scotch Mason and the Angel= - -The late Mr. Douglas, of Cavers, in Roxburghshire, one day walked into -Cavers churchyard, where he saw a stonemason busily engaged in carving -an angel upon a gravestone. Observing that the man was adorning the -heavenly spirit, according to the custom of the age, with a grand -flowing periwig, Mr. Douglas exclaimed to him, "in the name of wonder, -who ever saw an angel with a wig?" "And in the name of wonder," answered -the sculptor, "wha ever saw an angel _without_ ane?" - - -=A Whole-witted Sermon from a Half-Witted Preacher= - -A half-witted itinerant preacher, well-known in the county of Ayr, was -stopped one evening on the road to Stewarton, by a band of shearers, who -insisted on his retiring to a neighboring field to give them a sermon. -After many attempts on his part to get off, and threats on theirs if he -did not comply, the honest man was compelled to consent; and, from the -back of his shaggy haired sheltie, he delivered to his bare-footed -audience the following extemporaneous effusion, taking for his text -these words: "Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I -return thither." (Job 1: v. 21.) "In discoursing from these words," said -the preacher, "I shall observe the three following things: (1) Man's -ingress into the world; (2) His progress through the world; and (3) His -egress out of the world. First, man's ingress into the world is naked -and bare; secondly, his progress through the world is trouble and care; -thirdly, his egress out of the world is nobody knows where. To -conclude: If we do well here, we shall do well there. And I could tell -you no more were I to preach a whole year." - - -=More Witty Than True= - -There lived about the beginning of last century an Episcopalian -clergyman of the name of Robert Calder, who was considered an -extraordinary wit, and, who, at least, must be allowed to have used very -extraordinary expressions. He published a _jeu d' esprit_ under the form -of a catechism, in which a person is made to ask: "Who was the first -Presbyterian?" The answer is "Jonah." "How do ye make Jonah out to be -the first Presbyterian?" is again asked. "Why," answers the other, -"because the Lord wanted him to gang east and he gaed wast!" (The same -might be said of Adam and all who preceded or succeeded Jonah--not -excepting Robert Calder.--Ed.) - - -=The Parson and His "Thirdly"= - -A certain minister had a custom of writing the heads of his discourse on -small slips of paper, which he placed on the Bible before him to be used -in succession. One day when he was explaining the second head, he got so -excited in his discourse, that he caused the ensuing slip to fall over -the side of the pulpit, though unperceived by himself. On reaching the -end of the second head, he looked down for the third slip; but alas! it -was not to be found. "Thirdly," he cried looking around him with great -anxiety. After a little pause, "Thirdly," again he exclaimed; but still -no thirdly appeared. "Thirdly, I say, my brethren," pursued the -bewildered clergyman; but not another word could he utter. At this -point, while the congregation were partly sympathizing, and partly -rejoicing at this decisive instance of the impropriety of using notes in -preaching--which has always been an unpopular thing in Scotland, an old -woman rose up and thus addressed the preacher: "If I'm no' mista'en, -sir, I saw thirdly flee out at the east window, a quarter of an hour -syne." - - -=Scotch Ingenuity= - -The Jacobite lairds of Fife were once, on the occasion of an election, -induced to sign the oath of abjuration in great numbers, in order to -vote for a friend of their party. It was much against their conscience; -but the case was such as to make them wink pretty hard. During the -carousal which followed, Mr. Balfour, of Forrat, a Jacobite of the old -stamp, began, to their surprise, to inveigh against them as a set of -perjured rascals, not remembering apparently, that he had signed as well -as the rest. They burst out with one universal question: "How can you -speak this way, Forrat, since you are just as guilty as ony o' us?" -"That am I no'," said Forrat, with a triumphant air of innocence and -waggery; "look ye at the list of names, and ye'll see the word _witness_ -at the end of mine. I just signed as witness to your perjury!" - - -=Bolder Than Charles the Bold= - -Joannes Scotus, the early Scotch philosopher, being in company with -Charles the Bold, King of France, that monarch asked him good humoredly, -what was the difference between a Scot and a sot. Scotus, who sat -opposite the king, answered, "Only the breadth of the table." - - -="Short Commons"= - -A Mid-Lothian farmer, observed to his ploughboy that there was a fly in -his milk. - -"Oh, never mind, sir," said the boy; "it winna droon; there's nae meikle -o't." - -"Gudewife," said the farmer, "Jock says he has ower little milk." - -"There's milk enough for a' my bread," said the sly rogue. - - -=The Shoemaker and Small Feet= - -A lady, who seemed rather vain, entered a bootmaker's shop one day with -the usual complaint; "Why, Mr. S----, these boots you last made for me -are much too big; I really can't understand how you always make that -mistake. Can you not make small boots?" - -"Ou, ay," quickly responded the man; "I can mak' sma' buits, but I'm -sorry I canna mak' sma' feet." - - -=Pleasant Prospect Beyond the Grave= - -An elderly lady, intending to purchase the upper flat of a house in -Prince's Street, opposite the West Church Burying-ground, Edinburgh, -from which the chain of Pentland Hills formed a beautiful background, -after having been made acquainted with all its conveniences, and the -beauty of its situation, elegantly enumerated by the builder, he -requested her to cast her eye on the romantic hills at a distance, on -the other side of the church-yard. The lady admitted that she had -"certainly a most pleasant prospect _beyond the grave_." - - -=Pulpit Foolery= - -The Rev. Hamilton Paul, a Scotch clergyman, is said to have been a -reviver of Dean Swift's walk of wit in choice of texts. For example, -when he left the town of Ayr, where he was understood to have been a -great favorite with the fair sex, he preached his valedictory sermon -from this passage, "And they all fell upon Paul's neck and kissed him." -Another time, when he was called on to preach before a military company -in green uniforms, he preached from the words, "And I beheld men like -trees walking." Paul was always ready to have a gibe at the damsels. -Near Portobello, there is a sea-bathing place named Joppa, and Paul's -congregation was once thinned by the number of his female votaries who -went thither. On the Sabbath after their wending he preached from the -text, "Send men to Joppa." In a similar manner he improved the occasion -of the mysterious disappearance of one of his parishioners, Moses -Marshall, by selecting for his text the passage from Exodus xxii, "As -for this Moses, we wot not what is become of him." He once made serious -proposals to a young lady whose Christian name was Lydia. On this -occasion the clerical wit took for his text: "And a certain woman, named -Lydia, heard us; whose heart the Lord opened, that she attended unto the -things which were spoken of Paul." [9] - - -=A Restful Preacher= - -Dean Ramsay relates that the Earl of Lauderdale was alarmingly ill, one -distressing symptom being a total absence of sleep, without which the -medical man declared he could not recover. His son, who was somewhat -simple, was seated under the table, and cried out, "Sen' for that -preaching man frae Livingstone, for fayther aye sleeps in the kirk." One -of the doctors thought the hint worth attending to, and the experiment -of "getting a minister till him" succeeded, for sleep came on and the -earl recovered. [7] - - -=Why the Bishops Disliked the Bible= - -A Bishop of Dunkeld, in Scotland, before the Reformation, thanked God -that he never knew what the Old and New Testaments were, affirming that -he cared to know no more than his Portius and Pontifical. At a diet in -Germany, one Bishop Albertus, lighting by chance upon a Bible, commenced -reading; one of his colleagues asked him what book it was. "I know not," -was the reply, "but this I find, that whatever I read in it, is utterly -against our religion." [9] - - -=The Same with a Difference= - -A young wit asked a man who rode about on a wretched horse: "Is that the -same horse you had last year?" "Na," said the man, brandishing his whip -in the interrogator's face in so emphatic a manner as to preclude -further questioning; "na, but it's the same _whup_." [7] - - -=Official Consolation and Callousness= - -A friend has told me of a characteristic answer given by a driver to a -traveler who complained of an inconvenience. A gentleman sitting -opposite my friend in the stage-coach at Berwick, complained bitterly -that the cushion on which he sat was quite wet. On looking up to the -roof he saw a hole through which the rain descended copiously, and at -once accounted for the mischief. He called for the coachman, and in -great wrath reproached him with the evil under which he suffered, and -pointed to the hole which was the cause of it. All the satisfaction, -however, that he got was the quiet unmoved reply, "Ay, mony a ane has -complained o' _that_ hole." [7] - - -=Objecting to Scotch "Tarmes"= - -In early times a Scotch laird had much difficulty (as many worthy lairds -have still) in meeting the claims of those two woful periods of the year -called in Scotland the "tarmes." He had been employing for some time, as -workman, a stranger from the south, on some house repairs. The workman -rejoiced in the not uncommon name in England of "Christmas." The laird's -servant, early one morning, called out at his bedroom door, in great -excitement, that "Christmas had run away, and nobody knew where he had -gone." He turned in his bed with the earnest ejaculation, "I only wish -he had taken Whitsunday and Martinmas along with him." - - -=A Patient Lady= - -The Rev. John Brown, of Haddington, the well-known author of the -"Self-Interpreting Bible," was a man of singular bashfulness. In proof -of the truth of this statement I need only state that his courtship -lasted seven years. Six years and a half had passed away, and the -reverend gentleman had got no further than he had been the first six -days. This state of things became intolerable, a step in advance must be -made, and Mr. Brown summoned all his courage for the deed. "Janet," said -he one day, as they sat in solemn silence, "we've been acquainted now -six years an' mair, and I've ne'er gotten a kiss yet. D'ye think I might -take one, my bonny lass?" "Just as you like, John; only be becoming and -proper wi' it." "Surely, Janet; we'll ask a blessing." The blessing was -asked, the kiss was taken, and the worthy divine, perfectly overpowered -with the blissful sensation, most rapturously exclaimed, "Heigh! lass, -but it is _gude_. We'll return thanks." Six months after, the pious pair -were made one flesh, and, added his descendant, who humorously told the -tale, "a happier couple never spent a long and useful life -together." [9] - - -=Curious Pulpit Notice= - -John Brown, Burgher minister at Whitburn (son of the commentator, and -father of the late Rev. Dr. John Brown, of Edinburgh, and grandfather of -the accomplished M.D. of the same name), in the early part of the -century was traveling on a small sheltie (a Shetland pony) to attend the -summer sacrament at Haddington. Between Musselburgh and Tranent he -overtook one of his own people. - -"What are ye daein' here, Janet, and whaur ye gaun in this warm -weather?" - -"'Deed, sir," quoth Janet, "I'm gaun to Haddington for the occasion (the -Lord's Supper), an' expeck to hear ye preach this afternoon." - -"Very weel, Janet, but whaur ye gaun to sleep?" - -"I dinna ken, sir, but providence is aye kind, an'll provide a bed." - -On Mr. Brown jogged, but kindly thought of his humble follower; -accordingly, after service in the afternoon, before pronouncing the -blessing, he said from the pulpit, "Whaur's the auld wife that followed -me frae Whitburn?" - -"Here I'm, sir," uttered a shrill voice from a back seat. - -"Aweel," said Mr. Brown; "I have fand ye a bed; ye're to sleep wi' -Johnnie Fife's lass." - - -="Wishes Never Filled the Bag"= - -There are always pointed anecdotes against houses wanting in a liberal -and hospitable expenditure in Scotland. Thus, we have heard of a master -leaving such a mansion, and taxing his servant with being drunk, which -he had too often been after country visits. On this occasion, however, -he was innocent of the charge, for he had not the _opportunity_ to -transgress. So, when his master asserted, "Jemmy, you are drunk!" Jemmy -very quietly answered, "Indeed, sir, I wish I wur." - - -=Not Used to It= - -On one occasion an eccentric Scotchman, having business with the late -Duke of Hamilton at Hamilton Palace, the Duke politely asked him to -lunch. A liveried servant waited upon them, and was most assiduous in -his attentions to the duke and his guest. At last our eccentric friend -lost patience, and looking at the servant, addressed him thus: "What the -deil for are ye dance, dance, dancing about the room that gait; can ye -no' draw in your chair and sit down? I'm sure there's _plenty on the -table for three_." [7] - - -="Effectual Calling"= - -Maitland, the Jacobite historian of Edinburgh, relates with infinite -zest the following anecdote of the Rev. Robert Bruce, the zealous -Presbyterian minister who boldly bearded King James I: "1589, August -15.--Robert Bruce, one of the four ministers of Edinburgh, threatening -to leave the town" (the reason from what follows, may be easily guessed -at), "great endeavors were used to prevent his going; but none, it -seems, so prevalent as that of the increase of his stipend to one -thousand merks, which the good man was graciously pleased to accept, -though it only amounted to one hundred and forty merks more than all the -stipends of the other three ministers." - - -=Motive for Church-Going= - -An old man, who for years walked every Sunday from Newhaven to Edinburgh -to attend the late Dr. Jones' church, was one day complimented by that -venerable clergyman for the regularity of his appearance in church. The -old man unconsciously evinced how little he deserved the compliment by -this reply: "'Deed, sir, its very true; but I like to hear the jingling -o' the bells and see a' the braw folk." [9] - - -="Grace" with No Meat After= - -A little girl of eight years of age was taken by her grandmother to -church. The parish minister was not only a long preacher, but, as the -custom was, delivered two sermons on the Sabbath day without any -interval, and thus save the parishioners the two journeys to church. -Elizabeth was sufficiently wearied before the close of the first -discourse; but when, after singing and prayer, the good minister opened -the Bible, read a second text, and prepared to give a second sermon, the -young girl being both tired and hungry, lost all patience, and cried out -to her grandmother, to the no small amusement of those who were so near -as to hear her, "Come awa', Granny, and gang home; this is a lang grace, -and nae meat." [7] - - -="No Better than Pharaoh"= - -In a town of one of the central counties a Mr. J---- carried on, about a -century ago, a very extensive business in the linen manufacture. -Although _strikes_ were then unknown among the laboring classes, the -spirit from which these take their rise has no doubt at all times -existed. Among Mr. J----'s many workmen, one had given him constant -annoyance for years, from his argumentative spirit. Insisting one day on -getting something or other which his master thought most unreasonable, -and refused to give in to, he at last submitted, with a bad grace, -saying, "You're nae better than _Pharaoh_, sir, forcin' puir folks to -mak' bricks without straw." "Well, Saunders," quietly rejoined his -master, "if I'm nae better than Pharaoh, in one respect, I'll be better -in another, for _I'll no' hinder ye going to the wilderness whenever ye -choose_." - - -=Not One of "The Establishment"= - -At an hotel in Glasgow, a gentleman, finding that the person who acted -as a waiter could not give him certain information which he wanted, put -the question, "Do you belong to the establishment?" to which James -replied, "No, sir; I belong to the Free Kirk." - - -=A Board-School Examiner Floored= - -The parish minister in a town not a hundred miles from Dumfermline, -Fifeshire, was recently going his round of all the board schools in the -course of systematic examination. The day was warm, and the minister, -feeling exhausted on reaching the school, took a seat for a few minutes -to cool down and recover his breath; but even while doing so he thought -he might as well utilize the time in a congenial sort of way, being -naturally a bit of a wag. So he addressed the boys thus: "Well, lads, -can any of you tell me why black sheep eat less than white sheep?" - -There was no answer to this question, and the minister, after telling -them it was because there were fewer of them, with pretended severity -said he was sorry to see them in such a state of ignorance as not to be -able to answer such a simple question, but he would give them another. - -"Can any of you lads tell me what bishop of the Church of England has -the largest hat?" - -Here the children were again cornered for a solution. - -"What! don't you know," said the minister, "that the bishop with the -largest hat is the bishop with the largest head? But seeing I have been -giving you some puzzling questions, I will now allow you to have your -turn and put some questions to me, to see if I can answer them." - -Silence fell upon the whole school. No one was apparently bold enough to -tackle the minister. At length, from the far corner of the room, a -little chap of about seven years got to his feet, and with an audacity -that actually appalled the master, cried out in a loud, shrill, piping -voice, with the utmost _sang froid_: - -"Can you tell me why millers wear white caps?" - -The minister was perfectly astounded, and for the life of him could find -no solution of the problem. - -He began to feel somewhat uncomfortable, while the master frowned with -awful threatening in his glance at the undaunted young culprit, who -stood calmly waiting a reply to his poser. - -"No, my boy," said the minister at length; "I cannot tell why millers -wear white caps. What is the reason?" - -"Weel, sir," replied the young shaver, "millers wear white caps just to -cover their heads." - -It is needless to remark that the roar which followed rather -disconcerted the minister, and he had some difficulty afterwards in -proceeding with his official examination. - - -=Keeping His Threat--at His Own Expense= - -An examiner at the Edinburgh University had made himself obnoxious by -warning the students against putting hats on the desk. The university in -the Scottish capital is (or was) remarkable for a scarcity of cloak -rooms, and in the excitement of examination hats are, or used to be, -flung down anywhere. The examiner announced one day that if he found -another hat on his desk he would "rip it up." - -The next day no hats were laid there when the students assembled. -Presently, however, the examiner was called out of the room. Then some -naughty undergraduate slipped from his seat, got the examiner's hat, and -placed it on the desk. When the examiner re-entered the hall every eye -was fixed upon him. He observed the hat, and a gleam of triumph shot -across his face. - -"Gentlemen," he continued, "I told you what would happen if this -occurred again." - -Then he took his penknife from his pocket, opened it, and blandly cut -the hat in pieces amidst prolonged applause. - - -=New Style of Riding in a Funeral Procession= - -The following anecdote is an amusing illustration of the working of a -defective brain, in a half-witted carle, who used to range the county of -Galloway, armed with a huge pike-staff, and who one day met a funeral -procession a few miles from Wigtown. - -A long train of carriages, and farmers on horseback, suggested the -propriety of his bestriding his staff, and following after the funeral. -The procession marched at a brisk pace, and on reaching the kirkyard -stile, as each rider dismounted, "Daft Jock" descended from his wooden -steed, besmeared with mire and perspiration, exclaiming, "Heck, sirs, -had it no' been for the fashion o' the thing, I micht as well hae been -on my ain feet." [7] - - -=Absence of Humor--Illustrated= - -Few amusements in the world are funnier than the play of different ideas -under similar sounds, and it would be hard to find a thing more -universally understood and caught at than a pun; but there really are -individuals so made that a word can mean but one thing to them, and even -metaphors must go on all-fours. Lord Morpeth used to tell of a Scotch -friend of his who, to the remark that some people could not feel a jest -unless it was fired at them with a cannon, replied: "Weel, but how can -ye fire a jest out of a cannon, man?" - - -=The Best Time to Quarrel= - -In Lanarkshire, there lived a sma' laird named Hamilton, who was noted -for his eccentricity. On one occasion, a neighbor waited on him, and -requested his name as an accommodation to a bill for twenty pounds at -three months date, which led to the following characteristic and truly -Scottish colloquy: - -"Na, na, I canna do that." - -"What for no', laird? Ye hae dune the same thing for ithers." - -"Ay, ay, Tammas, but there's wheels within wheels ye ken naething about; -I canna do't." - -"It's a sma' affair to refuse me, laird." - -"Weel, ye see, Tammas, if I was to pit my name till't ye wad get the -siller frae the bank, and when the time came round, ye wadna be ready, -and I wad hae to pay't; sae then you and me wad quarrel; sae we mae just -as weel quarrel _the noo_, as lang's the siller's in ma pouch." - - -=The Horse That Kept His Promise= - -A laird sold a horse to an Englishman, saying, "You buy him as you see -him; but he's an _honest beast_." The purchaser took him home. In a few -days he stumbled and fell, to the damage of his own knees and his -rider's head. On this the angry purchaser remonstrated with the laird, -whose reply was, "Weel, sir, I told ye he was an honest beast; many a -time has he threatened to come down with me, and I kenned he would keep -his word some day." - - -=A "Grand" Piano= - -At Glasgow, in a private house, Dr. Von Bulow, having been asked by his -hostess what he thought of her piano, replied in these words: "Madam, -your piano leaves something to be desired. It needs new strings," he -added, in answer to the lady's inquiries as to what it really required. -"The hammers, too, want new leather," he continued; "and, while you are -about it, with the new leather, you may as well have new wood. Then, -when the inside of your piano has been completely renovated," he -concluded, having now worked himself into a rage, "call in two strong -men, throw it out of the window, and burn it in the street." - - -=Scottish Patriotism= - -It is more common in Scotland than in England to find national feeling -breaking out in national humor upon great events connected with national -_history_. The following is perhaps as good as any: The Rev. Robert -Scott, a Scotchman, who forgot not Scotland in his southern vicarage, -tells me that at Inverary, some thirty years ago, he could not help -overhearing the conversation of some Lowland cattle-dealers in the -public room in which he was. The subject of the bravery of our navy -being started, one of the interlocutors expressed his surprise that -Nelson should have issued his signal at Trafalgar in the terms, -"_England expects_," etc. He was met with the answer (which seemed -highly satisfactory to the rest), "Ay, Nelson only said '_expects_' of -the English; he said nothing of Scotland, for he _kent_ the _Scotch_ -would do theirs." - - -="Purpose"--not "Performance"--Heaven's Standard= - -The following occurred between a laird and an elder: A certain laird in -Fife, well known for his parsimonious habits, whilst his substance -largely increased did not increase his liberality, and his weekly -contribution to the church collection never exceeded the sum of one -penny. One day, however, by mistake he dropped into the plate at the -door a five-shilling piece, but discovering his error before he was -seated in his pew, hurried back, and was about to replace the crown by -his customary penny, when the elder in attendance cried out, "Stop, -laird; ye may put _in_ what ye like, but ye maun tak' naething _out_!" -The laird, finding his explanations went for nothing, at last said, -"Aweel, I suppose I'll get credit for it in heaven." "Na, na, laird," -said the elder, "ye'll only get credit for a penny." - - -=The Book Worms= - -Robert Burns once met with a copy of Shakespeare in a nobleman's -library, the text of which had been neglected and had become worm-eaten. -It was beautifully bound. Burns at once wrote the following lines: - - Through and through the inspired leaves, - Ye maggots, make your windings; - But oh! respect his lordship's tastes, - And spare his golden bindings. [2] - - -="Uncertainty of Life" from Two Good Points of View= - -"Ah, sir," said a gloomy-looking minister of the Scotch Kirk, addressing -a stranger who was standing on the bridge of the _Lord of the Isles_, as -she steamed through the Kyles of Bute, "does the thought ever occur to -ye of the great oncertainty of life?" - -"Indeed it does," returned the stranger, briskly, "many times a day." - -"And have you ever reflected, sir," went on the minister, "that we may -be launched into eternity at any instant?" - -"Yes," returned the stranger, "I have thought of that, and said it, too, -thousands of times." - -"Indeed," ejaculated the parson; "then it is possible I am speaking to a -brother meenister?" - -"Well, no," answered the other promptly, "you are not. If you must know, -I am traveling agent of the Royal Lynx Life Assurance Association; and, -if you are not assured, I can strongly recommend you to give our office -a turn. You will find special terms for ministers in Table K of our -prospectus"; and handing the astonished divine a printed leaflet from -his satchel, he left him without another word. - - -=Providing a Mouthful for the Cow= - -Old Maggie Dee had fully her share of Scotch prudence and economy. One -bonnet had served her turn for upwards of a dozen years, and some young -ladies who lived in the neighborhood, in offering to make and present -her with a new one, asked whether she would prefer silk or straw as -material. - -"Weel, my lassies," said Maggie, after mature deliberation, "since ye -insist on giein' me a bonnet, I think I'll tak' a strae ane; it will, -maybe, juist be a mou'fu' to the coo when I'm through wi't." - - -=A Poor Place for a Cadger= - -An English traveler had gone on a fine Highland road so long, without -having seen an indication of fellow-travelers, that he became astonished -at the solitude of the country; and no doubt before the Highlands were -so much frequented as they are in our time, the roads had a very -striking aspect of solitariness. Our traveler at last coming up to an -old man breaking stones, he asked him if there was any traffic on this -road--was it at _all_ frequented? - -"Ay," he said, "it's no' ill at that; there was a cadger body yestreen, -and there's yoursell the day." - - -=The Kirk of Lamington= - - As cauld a wind as ever blew, - A caulder kirk, and in't but few; - As cauld a minister's e'er spak', - Ye'se a' be het ere I come back. [2] - - -="Lost Labor"= - -One of Dr. Macknight's parishioners, a humorous blacksmith, who thought -his pastor's writing of learned books was a sad waste of time, being -asked if the doctor was at home, answered: "Na, na; he's awa to Edinbro' -on a foolish job." - -The doctor had gone off to the printer's with his laborious and valuable -work, "The Harmony of the Four Gospels." On being further asked what -this useless work might be which engaged a minister's time and -attention, the blacksmith replied: "He's gane to mak' four men agree wha -never cast (fell) out." - - -=A New Story Book--at the Time= - -Sir Walter Scott once stated that he kept a Lowland laird waiting for -him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the -laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's -Dictionary. - -"Well, Mr. ----," said Sir Walter, "how do you like your book?" - -"They're vera pretty stories, Sir Walter," replied the laird, "but -they're unco' short." - - -=Will Any Gentleman Oblige "a Lady"?= - -In a tramway car at Glasgow, one wet afternoon, a woman of fifty--made -up to look as nearly like twenty-five as possible--got on board at a -crossing, to find every seat occupied. She stood for a moment, and then -selecting a poorly dressed man of about forty years of age, she -observed: "Are there no gentlemen on the car?" - -"I dinna ken," he replied, as he looked up and down. "If there's nane, -I'll hunt up one for you at the end of the line." - -There was an embarrasing silence for a moment, and then a light broke in -on him all of a sudden, and he rose and said: "But ye can hae this seat: -I'm aye wellin' to stan' and gi'e my seat to an _auld_ bodie." - -That decided her. She gave him a look which he will not forget till his -dying day, and grasping the strap she refused to sit down, even when -five seats had become vacant. - - -=Ham and Cheese= - -On one occasion the late Rev. Walter Dunlop, of the U.P. Church, -Dumfries, after a hard day's labor, and while at "denner-tea," as he -called it, kept incessantly praising the "haam," and stating that "Mrs. -Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was," when the -mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham. - -"It's unco' kin' o' ye, unco' kin'--but I'll no' pit ye to the trouble; -I'll just tak' it hame on the horse afore me." - -When, on leaving, he mounted, and the ham was put into the sack, some -difficulty was experienced in getting it to lie properly. His inventive -genius soon cut the Gordian-knot. - -"I think, mistress, a cheese in the ither en' would mak' a gran' -balance." - -The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John Gilpin, he -moved away with his "balance true." [7] - - -="A Reduction on a Series"= - -When the son of a certain London banker had eloped to Scotland with a -great heiress whom he married, still retaining a paternal taste for -parsimony, he objected to the demand of two guineas made by the "priest" -at Gretna Green, stating that Captain ---- had reported the canonical -charge to be only five shillings. "True," replied Vulcan, "but Captain ----- is an Irishman, and I've married him five times; so I consider him -a regular customer; whereas, I may never see your face again." - - -=The Selkirk Grace=[1] - - Some hae meat, and canna eat, - And some wad eat that want it; - But we hae meat and we can eat, - And sae the Lord be thankit. [2] - - -=Inconsistencies of "God's People"= - -An entertaining anecdote, illustrative of life in the Scotch Highlands, -is told by a border minister who once found himself a guest at a -Presbytery meeting. - -"After dinner, though there was no wine, there was no lack of whiskey. -This, each made into toddy, weak or strong, just as he liked it. No set -speeches were made or toasts proposed. After each had drunk two or three -tumblers, and no voice was heard above the hum of conversation, the -stranger got to his feet, and craving the leave of the company, begged -to propose a toast. All were silent, until the moderator, with solemn -voice, told him that God's people in that part of the country were not -in the habit of drinking toasts. He felt himself rebuked, yet rejoined, -that he had been in a good many places, but had never before seen God's -people drink so much toddy." - - -=Sending Him to Sleep= - -"Sleepin, Tonald?" said a Highlander to a drowsy acquaintance, whom he -found ruminating on the grass in a horizontal position. - -"No, Tuncan," was the ready answer. - -"Then, Tonald, would you'll no' lend me ten and twenty shillings?" was -the next question. - -"Ough, ough!" was the response with a heavy snore; "I'm sleepin' now, -Tuncan, my lad." - -How convenient it would be if we could always evade troublesome -requests, like our Highlander here, by feigning ourselves in the land of -dreams! - - -=Wiser Than Solomon= - -Two Scotch lairds conversing, one said to the other that he thought they -were wiser than Solomon. "How's that?" said the other. "Why," said the -first, "he did not know whether his son might not be a fool, and we know -that ours are sure to be." - - -=Modern Improvements= - -Sir Alexander Ramsay had been constructing, upon his estate in Scotland, -a piece of machinery, which was driven by a stream of water running -through the home farmyard. There was a threshing machine, a winnowing -machine, a circular saw for splitting trees, and other contrivances. - -Observing an old man, who had been long about the place, looking very -attentively at all that was going on, Sir Alexander said: - -"Wonderful things people can do now, Robby?" - -"Ay, indeed, Sir Alexander," said Robby; "I'm thinking that if Solomon -was alive now, he'd be thought naething o'!" [7] - - -=Knox and Claverhouse= - -The shortest chronicle of the Reformation, by Knox, and of the wars of -Claverhouse (Claver'se) in Scotland, which we know of, is that of an old -lady who, in speaking of those troublous times remarked: "Scotland had a -sair time o't. First we had Knox deavin' us wi' his clavers, and syne -we've had Claver'se deavin' us wi' his knocks." - - -=A Scotch Fair Proclamation of Olden Days= - -"Oh, yes!--an' that's e'e time. Oh, yes!--an' that's twa times. Oh, -yes!--an that's the third and last time. All manner of person or persons -whatsover let 'em draw near, an' I shall let 'em ken that there is a -fair to be held at the muckle town of Langholm, for the space of aught -days, wherein any hustrin, custrin, land-hopper dub-shouper, or -gent-the-gate-swinger, shall breed any hurdam, durdam, rabble-ment, -babble-ment or squabble-ment, he shall have his lugs tacked to the -muckle throne with a nail of twa-a-penny, until he's down on his -bodshanks, and up with his muckle doup, and pray to ha'en nine times, -'God bless the King,' and thrice the muckle Laird of Reltown, paying a -goat to me, Jemmy Ferguson, baillie to the aforesaid manor. So you've -heard my proclamation, and I'll gang hame to my dinner." - - -="Though Lost to Sight--to Memory Dear!"= - -Some time ago a good wife, residing in the neighborhood of Perth, went -to town to purchase some little necessaries, and to visit several of her -old acquaintances. In the course of her peregrinations she had the -misfortune to lose a one-pound note. Returning home with a saddened -heart she encountered her husband, employed in the cottage garden, to -whom she communicated at great length all her transactions in town, -concluding with the question: "But man you canna guess what's befaun -me?" - -"Deed, I canna guess," said the husband, resting musingly on his spade. - -"Aweel," rejoined his helpmate, "I hae lost a note; but dinna be -angry--for we ought to be mair than thankfu' that we had ane to lose!" - - -=The Philosophy of Battle and Victory= - -During the long French war two old ladies in Scotland were going to the -kirk. The one said to the other: "Was it no' a wonderful thing that -Breetish were aye victorious in battle?" - -"Not a bit," said the other lady; "dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say -their prayers before gaun into battle?" - -The other replied: "But canna the French say their prayers as weel?" - -The reply was most characteristic. "Hoot! sic jabberin' bodies; wha -could understand them if thae did?" - - -=Patriotism and Economy= - -When Sir John Carr was at Glasgow, in the year 1807, he was asked by the -magistrates to give his advice concerning the inscription to be placed -on Nelson's monument, then just completed. The knight recommended this -brief record: "Glasgow to Nelson." - -"True," said the baillies, "and as there is the town of Nelson near us, -we might add, 'Glasgow to Nelson nine miles,' so that the column might -serve for the milestone and a monument." - - -=Husband! Husband! Cease Your Strife!= - - "Husband, husband, cease your strife, - Nor longer idly rave, sir! - Tho' I am your wedded wife, - Yet, I'm not your slave, sir!" - - "_One of two must still obey, - Nancy, Nancy; - Is it man, or woman, say, - My spouse, Nancy?_" - - "If 'tis still the lordly word-- - 'Service' and 'obedience,' - I'll desert my sov'reign lord, - And so, good-by, allegiance!" - - _"Sad will I be, so bereft, - Nancy, Nancy! - Yet, I'll try to make a shift, - My spouse, Nancy."_ - - "My poor heart, then break it must, - My last hour, I'm near it; - When you lay me in the dust, - Think, think how you'll bear it." - - _"I will hope and trust in heaven, - Nancy, Nancy; - Strength to bear it will be given, - My spouse, Nancy."_ - - "Well, sir, from the silent dead - Still I'll try to daunt you, - Ever round your midnight bed - Horrid sprites shall haunt you." - - _"I'll wed another_, like my dear - Nancy, Nancy; - _Then, all hell will fly for fear - My spouse, Nancy."_ [2] - - -=A Scathing Scottish Preacher in Finsbury Park= - -People in Finsbury Park, one Sunday in August, 1890, were much edified -by the drily humorous remarks of a canny Scotchman who was holding a -religious service. The "eternal feminine" came in for severe strictures, -this man from auld Reekie speaking of woman as "a calamity on two legs." -He had also a word or two to say on government meanness, of which this -is an illustration. An old friend of his who had been through Waterloo, -retired from the army on the munificent pension of 13-1/2_d._ per day. -When he died the government claimed his wooden leg! [3] - - -=A Saving Clause= - -A Scotch teetotal society has been formed among farmers. There is a -clause in one of the rules that permits the use of whiskey at -sheep-dipping time. One worthy member keeps a sheep which he dips every -day. - - -=The Man at the Wheel= - -Dr. Adam, in the intervals of his labors as rector of the High School of -Edinburgh, was accustomed to spend many hours in the shop of his friend -Booge, the famous cutler, sometimes grinding knives and scissors, at -other times driving the wheel. One day two English gentlemen, attending -the university, called upon Booge (for he was an excellent Greek and -Latin scholar), in order that he might construe for them some passage in -Greek which they could not understand. On looking at it, Booge found -that the passage "feckled" him; but, being a wag, he said to the -students, "Oh, it's quite simple. My laboring man at the wheel will -translate it for you. John!" calling to the old man, "come here a -moment, will you?" - -The apparent laborer came forward, when Booge showed him the passage in -Greek, which the students wished to have translated. The old man put on -his spectacles, examined the passage, and proceeded to give a learned -exposition, in the course of which he cited several scholastic authors -in support of his views as to its proper translation. Having done so, he -returned to his cutler's wheel. - -Of course the students were amazed at the learning of the laboring man. -They said they had heard much of the erudition of the Edinburgh -tradesmen, but what they had listened to was beyond anything they could -have imagined. [1] - - -=Spiking an Old Gun= - -When Mr. Shirra was parish minister of St. Miriam's, one of the members -of the church was John Henderson, or Anderson--a very decent douce -shoemaker--and who left the church and joined the Independents, who had -a meeting in Stirling. Some time afterwards, when Mr. Shirra met John -on the road, he said, "And so, John, I understand you have become an -Independent?" - -"'Deed, sir," replied John, "that's true." - -"Oh, John," said the minister, "I'm sure you ken that a rowin' (rolling) -stane gathers nae fog" (moss). - -"Ay," said John, "that's true, too; but can ye tell me what guid the fog -does to the stane?" [7] - - -=Playing at Ghosts= - -Some boys boarded with a teacher in Scotland, whose house was not very -far from a country church-yard. They determined to alarm the old -grave-digger, who was in the habit of reaching his cottage, often late -at night, by a short cut through the burying-ground. One boy, named -Warren, who was especially mischievous, and had often teased old Andrew, -dressed himself up in a white sheet, and, with his companions, hid -behind the graves. - -After waiting patiently, but not without some anxiety and fear, for -Andrew, he was at last seen approaching the memorial-stone behind which -Warren was ensconced. Soon a number of low moans were heard coming from -among the graves. - -"Ah, keep us a'!" exclaimed Andrew. "What's that?" - -And as he approached slowly and cautiously towards the tombstones, a -white figure arose, and got taller and taller before his eyes. - -"What's that?" asked Andrew, with a voice which seemed to tremble with -fear, although, if anyone had seen how he grasped his stick, he would -not have seen his hand tremble. - -"It's the resurrection!" exclaimed the irreverent Bully Warren. - -"The resurrection!" replied Andrew. "May I tak' the leeberty o' askin'," -he continued slowly, approaching the ghost, "if it's the general ane, or -are ye jist takin' a quiet daunder by yersel'?" - -So saying, Andrew rushed at the ghost, and seizing it--while a number of -smaller ghosts rose, and ran in terror to the schoolhouse--he exclaimed, -"Come awa' wi' me! I think I surely haena buried ye deep eneuch, when -ye can rise so easy. But I hae dug a fine deep grave this morning, and -I'll put ye in't, and cover ye up wi' sae muckle yirth, that, my werd, -ye'll no' get out for another daunder." - -So saying, Andrew, by way of carrying out his threats, dragged Master -Bully Warren towards his newly-made grave. - -The boy's horror may be imagined, as Andrew was too powerful to permit -of his escape. He assailed the old man with agonized petitions for -mercy, for he was a great coward. - -"I'm not a ghost! Oh, Andrew, I'm Peter Warren! Andrew! Don't burry me! -I'll never again annoy you! Oh--o--o--o--o!" - -Andrew, after he had administered what he considered due punishment, let -Warren off with the admonition: "Never daur to speak o' gude things in -yon way. Never play at ghaists again, or leevin' folk like me may grup -you, an' mak' a ghaist o' ye. Aff wi ye!" - - -="Two Blacks Don't Make a White"= - -The family of a certain Scotch nobleman having become rather irregular -in their attendance at church, the fact was observed and commented on by -their neighbors. A lady, anxious to defend them and to prove that the -family pew was not so often vacant as was supposed, said that his -lordship's two black servants were there every Sunday. "Ay," said a -gentleman present, "but two blacks don't mak' a white." - - -=From Pugilism to Pulpit= - -Fuller was in early life, when a farmer lad at Soham, famous as a boxer; -not quarrelsome, but not without "the stern delight" a man of strength -and courage feels in his exercise. Dr. Charles Stewart, of Dunearn, -whose rare gifts and graces as a physician, a divine, a scholar, and a -gentleman, live only in the memory of those few who knew and survive -him, liked to tell how Mr. Fuller used to say, that when he was in the -pulpit, and saw a _buirdly_ man come along the passage, he would -instinctively draw himself up, measure his imaginary antagonist, and -forecast how he would deal with him, his hands meanwhile condensing into -fists, and tending to "square." He must have been a hard hitter if he -boxed as he preached--what "the fancy" would call "an ugly customer." [4] - - -=A Consistent Seceder= - -A worthy old seceder used to ride from Gargrennock to Bucklyvie every -Sabbath to attend the Burgher Kirk. One day, as he rode past the parish -kirk of Kippen, the elder of the place accosted him, "I'm sure, John, -it's no' like the thing to see you ridin' in sic' a downpour o' rain sae -far by to thae seceders. Ye ken the mercifu' man is mercifu' to his -beast. Could ye no step in by?" - -"Weel," said John, "I wadna care sae muckle about stablin' my beast -inside, but it's anither thing mysel' gain' in." [7] - - -="No Road this Way!"= - -The following anecdote is told regarding the late Lord Dundrennan: A -half-silly basket-woman passing down his avenue at Compstone one day, he -met her, and said, "My good woman, there's no road this way." - -"Na, sir," she said, "I think ye're wrang there; I think it's a most -beautifu' road." [7] - - -=Shakespeare--Nowhere!= - -It is related, as characteristic of the ardor of Scottish nationality, -that, at a representation of Home's _Douglas_, at Glasgow or Edinburgh, -a Scotchman turned, at some striking passage in the drama, and said to a -Southron at his elbow: "And wher's your Wully Shakespeare noo?" - - -=Steeple or People?= - -Shortly after the disruption of the Free Church of Scotland from the -church paid by the State, a farmer going to church met another going in -the opposite direction. - -"Whaur are ye gaen?" said he. "To the Free Kirk?" - -"Ou, ay, to the Free Kirk," cried the other in derision: - - "The Free Kirk-- - The wee kirk-- - The kirk wi'out the steeple!" - -"Ay, ay," replied the first, "an' ye'll be gaen till - - "The auld kirk-- - The cauld kirk-- - The kirk wi'out the people!" - -This ended the colloquy for that occasion. - - -=Hume Canonized= - -Hume's house in Edinburgh stood at the corner of a new street which had -not yet received any name. A witty young lady, a daughter of Baron Ord, -chalked on the wall of the house the words, "St. David's Street." Hume's -maid-servant read them, and apprehensive that some joke was intended -against her master, went in great alarm to report the matter to him. -"Never mind, my lass," said the philosopher; "many a better man has been -made a saint of before." - - -=Two Ways of Mending Ways= - -The Rev. Mr. M----, of Bathgate, came up to a street pavior one day, and -addressed him: "Eh, John, what's this you're at?" - -"Oh! I'm mending the ways of Bathgate!" - -"Ah, John, I've long been tryin' to mend the ways o' Bathgate, an' -they're no' weel yet." - -"Weel, Mr. M----, if you had tried my plan, and come doon to your -_knees_, ye wad maybe hae come maar speed!" - - -=The Prophet's Chamber= - -A Scotch preacher, being sent to officiate one Sunday at a country -parish, was accommodated at night in the manse in a very diminutive -closet, instead of the usual best bedroom appropriated to strangers. - -"Is this the bedroom?" he said, starting back in amazement. - -"'Deed, ay, sir; this is the prophet's chamber." - -"It must be for the _minor_ prophets, then," said the discomfited -parson. - - -=Objecting to Long Sermons= - -A minister in the north was taking to task one of his hearers who was a -frequent defaulter, and was reproaching him as an habitual absentee from -public worship. The accused vindicated himself on the plea of a dislike -to long sermons. - -"'Deed, man," said his reverend minister, a little nettled at the -insinuation thrown out against himself, "if ye dinna mend, ye may land -yerself where ye'll no' be troubled wi' mony sermons, either lang or -short." - -"Weel, aiblins sae," retorted John, "but it mayna be for want o' -ministers." - - -=A Serious Dog and for a Serious Reason= - -A Highland gamekeeper, when asked why a certain terrier, of singular -pluck, was so much more solemn than the other dogs, said: "Oh, sir, -life's full o' sairiousness to him--he first can never get enuff o' -fechtin'." - - -=A Clever "Turn"= - -Lord Elibank, the Scotch peer, was told that Dr. Johnson, in his -dictionary, had defined oats to be food for horses in England and for -men in Scotland. "Ay," said his lordship, "and where else can you find -such horses and such men?" - - -=Entrance Free, and "Everything Found"= - -A member of the Scottish bar, when a youth, was somewhat of a dandy, and -was still more remarkable for the shortness of his temper. One day, -being about to pay a visit to the country, he made a great fuss in -packing up his clothes for the journey, and his old aunt, annoyed at the -bustle, said: "Whaur's this you're gaun, Robby, that you mak' sic a -grand ware about your claes?" - -The young man lost his temper, and pettishly replied, "I am going to the -devil." - -"'Deed, Robby, then," was the quiet answer, "ye need na be sae nice, for -he'll just tak' ye as ye are." - - -=Two Questions on the Fall of Man= - -The Rev. Ralph Erskine, one of the fathers of the secession from the -Kirk of Scotland, on a certain occasion paid a visit to his venerable -brother, Ebenezer, at Abernethy. - -"Oh, man!" said the latter, "but ye come in a gude time. I've a diet of -examination to-day, and ye maun tak' it, as I have matters o' life and -death to settle at Perth." - -"With all my heart," quoth Ralph. - -"Noo, my Billy," says Ebenezer, "ye'll find a' my folk easy to examine -but ane, and him I reckon ye had better no' meddle wi'. He has our -old-fashioned Scotch way of answering a question by putting another, and -maybe he'll affront ye." - -"Affront me!" quoth the indignant theologian; "do ye think he can foil -me wi' my ain natural toils?" - -"Aweel," says his brother, "I'se gie ye fair warning, ye had better no' -ca' him up." - -The recusant was one Walter Simpson, the Vulcan of the parish. Ralph, -indignant at the bare idea of such an illiterate clown chopping divinity -with him, determined to pose him at once with a grand leading -unanswerable question. Accordingly, after putting some questions to some -of the people present, he all at once, with a loud voice, cried out, -"Walter Simpson!" - -"Here, sir," says Walter, "are ye wanting me?" - -"Attention, sir! Now Walter, can you tell me how long Adam stood in a -state of innocence?" - -"Ay, till he got a wife," instantly cried the blacksmith. "But," added -he, "can _you_ tell me hoo lang he stood after?" - -"Sit doon, Walter," said the discomfited divine. - - -=The Speech of a Cannibal= - -"Poor-man-of-mutton" is a term applied to a shoulder-of-mutton in -Scotland after it has been served as a roast at dinner, and appears as -a broiled bone at supper, or at the dinner next day. The Scotch Earl of -B----, popularly known as Old Rag, being at an hotel in London, the -landlord came in one morning to enumerate the good things in the larder. -"Landlord," said the Earl of B----, "I think I _could_ eat a morsel of -poor man." This strange announcement, coupled with the extreme ugliness -of his lordship, so terrified Boniface that he fled from the room and -tumbled down the stairs. He supposed that the Earl, when at home, was in -the habit of eating a joint of a vassal, or tenant, when his appetite -was dainty. - - -=Not "in Chains"= - -A Londoner was traveling on one of the Clyde steamers, and as it was -passing the beautiful town of Largs, then little larger than a village, -and unnoticed in his guide-book, he asked a Highland countryman, a -fellow passenger, its name. - -"Oh, that's Largs, sir." - -"Is it incorporated?" - -"Chwat's your wull, sir?" - -"Is it incorporated?" - -"Chwat's your wull, sir?" - -"Dear me! Is it a borough? Has it magistrates?" - -"Oh, yess, sir. Largs has a provost and bailies." - -Anxious to have the question of incorporation settled, and aware that -Scotch civic magistrates are invested with golden chains of office, -which they usually wear round their necks, our London friend put his -next question thus: "Do the magistrates wear chains?" - -The countryman very indignantly replied, "Na, na, sir; the provost and -bailies o' Largs aye gang loose." - - -=A Piper's Opinion of a Lord--and Himself= - -"The stately step of a piper" is a proverb in Scotland, which reminds us -of an anecdote of a certain noble lord, when in attendance upon the -Queen at Balmoral, a few years ago. Having been commissioned by a -friend to procure a performer on the pipes--he applied to her majesty's -piper--a fine stalwart Highlander; and on being asked what kind of -article was required, his lordship said in reply, "Just such another as -yourself." The consequential Celt readily exclaimed "There's plenty o' -lords like yourself, but very few sic pipers as me." - - -=A Modern Dumb Devil (D.D.)= - -Mr. Dunlop happened one day to be present in a Church Court in a -neighboring presbytery. A Rev. Dr. was one day asked to pray, and -declined. - -On the meeting adjourning, Mr. Dunlop stepped up to the doctor, and -asked how he did. The doctor never having been introduced, did not -reply. - -Mr. Dunlop withdrew, and said to a friend, "Eh! but is' na he a queer -man, that doctor; he'll neither speak to God nor man?" - - -=A Curiously Unfortunate Coincidence in Psalm Singing= - -In the parish church of Fettercairn, a custom existed, and indeed still -lingers in some parts of Scotland, of the precentor on communion Sabbath -reading out each single line of the psalm before it was sung by the -congregation. This practice gave rise to a somewhat unfortunate -introduction of a line from the First Psalm. In most churches in -Scotland the communion tables are placed in the centre of the church. -After sermon and prayer the seats round these tables are occupied by the -communicants while a psalm is being sung. On one communion Sunday, the -precentor observed the noble family of Eglinton approaching the tables, -and saw that they were likely to be kept out by those who pressed in -before them. Being very zealous for their accommodation, he called out -to an individual whom he considered to be the principal obstacle in the -passage, "Come back, Jock, and let in the noble family of Eglinton"; and -then, turning again to his psalm-book, gave out the line, "Nor stand in -sinners' way." - - -=Living With His Uncle= - -A little boy had lived some time with a penurious uncle, who took good -care that the child's health should not be injured by overfeeding. The -uncle was one day walking out, the child at his side, when a friend -accosted him, accompanied by a greyhound. While the elders were talking, -the little fellow, never having seen a dog so slim and slight in -texture, clasped the creature round the neck with the impassioned cry, -"Oh, doggie, doggie, and did ye live wi' your uncle, tae, that ye are so -thin?" [7] - - -=Pulpit Familiarity= - -A pastor of a small congregation of Dissenters in the west of Scotland, -who, in prayer, often employed terms of familiarity towards the great -Being whom he invoked, was addressing his petition in the season of an -apparently doubtful harvest, that He would grant such weather as was -necessary for ripening and gathering in the fruits of the ground; when -suddenly, he added, "But what need I talk? When I was up at Shotts the -other day, everything was as green as leeks." - - -=A Churl Congratulated= - -Hume went to a newspaper office, and laid on the counter an announcement -of the death of some friend, together with five shillings, the usual -price of such advertisements. The clerk, who had a very rough manner, -demanded seven shillings and sixpence, the extra charge being for the -words: "he was universally beloved and regretted." Hume paid the money, -saying, gravely, "Congratulate yourself, sir, that this is an expense -which your executors will never be put to." - - -=Touching Each Other's Limitations= - -There once lived in Cupar a merchant whose store contained supplies of -every character and description, so that he was commonly known by the -sobriquet of "Robbie A' Thing." One day a minister who was well known -for making a free use of his notes in the pulpit, called at the store -asking for a rope and pin to tether a young calf in the glebe. - -Robbie at once informed him that he could not furnish such articles to -him. - -But the minister being somewhat importunate, said: "Oh! I thought you -were named 'Robbie A' Thing,' from the fact that you keep all kinds of -goods." - -"Weel, a weel," said Robbie, "I keep a' thing in my shop but calf's -tether-pins, and paper sermons for ministers to read." - - -="Having the Advantage"= - -The Rev. Mr. Johnstone, of Monquhitter, a very grandiloquent pulpit -orator in his day, accosting a traveling piper, well known in the -district, with the question, "Well, John, how does the wind pay?" -received from John, with a low bow, the answer, "Your reverence has the -advantage of me." [7] - - -=Giving Them the Length of His Tongue= - -A lawyer in an Edinburgh court occupied the whole day with a speech -which was anything but interesting to his auditors. - -Some one, who had left the court-room and returned again after the -interval of some hours, finding the same harangue going on, said to Lord -Cockburn, "Is not H---- taking up a great deal of time?" - -"Time?" said Cockburn; "he has long ago exhausted time, and encroached -upon eternity." - - -=Sectarian Resemblances= - -A friend of mine used to tell a story of an honest builder's views of -church differences, which was very amusing and quaintly professional. An -English gentleman who had arrived in a Scottish county town, was walking -about to examine various objects which presented themselves, and -observed two rather handsome places of worship in the course of erection -nearly opposite each other. He addressed a person, who happened to be -the contractor for the chapels, and asked, "What was the difference -between these two places of worship which was springing up so close to -each other?" meaning, of course, the difference of the theological -tenets of the two congregations. - -The contractor, who thought only of architectural differences, -innocently replied, "There may be a difference of sax feet in length, -but there's no' aboon a few inches in breadth." - -Would that all religious differences could be brought within so narrow a -compass. [7] - - -=A Process of Exhaustion= - -A Scotch minister was asked if he was not very much exhausted after -preaching three hours. "Oh, no," he replied; "but it would have done you -good to see how worried the people were." - - -=A Thoughtless Wish= - -A landed proprietor in the small county of Rutland became very intimate -with the Duke of Argyle, to whom, in the plenitude of his friendship, he -said: "How I wish your estate were in my county!" Upon which the duke -replied, "I'm thinking, if it were, there would be _no room for yours_." - - -=Sunday Thoughts on Recreation= - -The Rev. Adam Wadderstone, minister in Bathgate, was an excellent man -and as excellent a curler, who died in 1780. Late one Saturday night one -of his elders received a challenge from the people of Shotts to the -curlers of Bathgate to meet them early on Monday morning; and after -tossing about half the night at a loss how to convey the pleasing news -to the minister, he determined to tell him before he entered the pulpit. - -When Mr. Wadderstone entered the session-house, the elder said to him in -a loud tone, "Sir, I've something to tell ye; there's to be a parish -play with the Shotts folk the morn, at----" - -"Whist, man, whist!" was the rejoinder. "Oh, fie, shame, John! fie, -shame! Nae speaking to-day about warldy recreations." - -But the ruling passion proved too strong for the worthy clergyman's -scruples of conscience, for just as he was about to enter the inner door -of the church, he suddenly wheeled round and returned to the elder, who -was now standing at the plate in the lobby, and whispered in his ear, -"But whan's the hoor, John? I'll be sure and be there. Let us sing, - - "'That music dear to a curler's ear, - And enjoyed by him alone-- - The merry chink of the curling rink, - And the boom of the roaring stone.'" - - -=Relieving His Wife's Anxiety= - -A Scotchman became very poor by sickness. His refined and affectionate -wife was struggling with him for the support of their children. He took -to peddling with a one-horse wagon, as a business that would keep him in -the open air and not tax his strength too much. One day, after having -been sick at home for two or three weeks, he started out with his cart -for a ten-day's trip, leaving his wife very anxious about him on account -of his weakness. After going about fifteen miles his horse fell down and -died. He got a farmer to hitch his horse to the cart and bring it home. -As they were driving into the yard he saw the anxiety depicted on his -wife's countenance, and being tenderly desirous to relieve it, he cried -out, "Maria, its not me that's dead; its the mare!" - - -=Radically Rude= - -Mr. Burgon, in his "Life of Tyler," tells the following amusing story: -Captain Basil Hall was once traveling in an old-fashioned stage-coach, -when he found himself opposite to a good-humored, jolly Dandy-Dinmount -looking person, with whom he entered into conversation, and found him -most intelligent. Dandie, who was a staunch Loyalist, as well as a stout -yeoman, seemed equally pleased with his companion. - -"Troth, sir," he said, "I am well content to meet one wi' whom I can -have a rational conversation, for I have been fairly put out. You see, -sir, a Radical fellow came into the coach. It was the only time I ever -saw a Radical; an' he begun abusing everything, saying that this wasna a -kintra fit to live in. And first he abused the king. Sir, I stood that. -And then he abused the constitution. Sir, I stood that. And then he -abused the farmers. Well, sir, I stood it all. But then he took to -abusing the yeomanry. Now, sir, you ken I couldna stand _that_, for I am -a yeoman mysel'; so I was under the necessity of being a wee bit -rude-like till him. So I seized him by the scruff of the neck: 'Do ye -see that window, sir? Apologeeze, apologeeze this very minute, or I'll -just put your head through the window.' Wi' that he _apologeezed_. 'Now, -sir,' I said, 'you'll gang out o' the coach.' And wi' that I opened the -door, and shot him out intil the road; and that's all I ever saw o' the -Radical." - - -="Gathering Up the Fragments"= - -The inveterate snuff-taker, like the dram-drinker, felt severely the -being deprived of his accustomed stimulant, as in the following -instance: A severe snowstorm in the Highlands which lasted for several -weeks, having stopped all communications betwixt neighboring hamlets, -the snuff-boxes were soon reduced to their last pinch. Borrowing and -begging from all the neighbors within reach were first resorted to, but -when these failed they were all alike reduced to the longing which -unwillingly-abstinent snuff-takers alone know. The minister of the -parish was amongst the unhappy number, the craving was so intense that -study was out of the question, and he became quite restless. As a last -resource, the beadle was dispatched, through the snow, to a neighboring -glen, in the hope getting a supply; but he came back as unsuccessful as -he went. - -"What's to be dune, John?" was the minister's pathetic inquiry. - -John shook his head, as much as to say that he could not tell; but -immediately thereafter started up, as if a new idea had occurred to him. -He came back in a few minutes, crying, "Hae!" - -The minister, too eager to be scrutinizing, took a long, deep pinch, and -then said, "Whaur did you get it?" - -"I soupit (swept) the poupit," was John's expressive reply. - -The minister's accumulated superfluous Sabbath snuff now came into good -use. - - -=Sleepy Churchgoers= - -The bowls of rum punch which so remarkably characterized the Glasgow -dinners of last century, and the early part of the present, it is to be -feared, made some of the congregation given to somnolency on the Sundays -following. The members of the town council often adopted Saturdays for -such meetings; accordingly, the Rev. Mr. Thorn, an excellent clergyman, -took occasion to mark this propensity with some acerbity. A dog had been -very troublesome, when the minister at last gave orders to the beadle, -"Take out that dog; he'd wauken a Glasgow magistrate." [7] - - -=A Highland Chief and His Doctor= - -Dr. Gregory (of immortal mixture memory) used to tell a story of an old -Highland chieftain, intended to show how such Celtic potentates were -once held to be superior to all the usual considerations which affected -ordinary mortals. The doctor, after due examination, had, in his usual -decided and blunt manner, pronounced the liver of a Highlander to be at -fault, and to be the cause of his ill-health. His patient, who could not -but consider this as taking a great liberty with a Highland chieftain, -roared out, "And what business is it of yours whether I have a liver or -not?" - - -="Rippets" and Humility= - -The following is a dry Scottish case of a minister's wife quietly -"kaming her husband's head." Mr. Mair, a Scotch minister, was rather -short-tempered, and had a wife named Rebecca, whom, for brevity's sake, -he addressed as Becky. He kept a diary and among other entries this one -was very frequent--"Becky and I had a rippet, for which I desire to be -humble." - -A gentleman who had been on a visit to the minister went to Edinburgh, -and told the story to a minister and his wife there, when the lady -replied, "Weel, he must have been an excellent man, Mr. Mair. My husband -and I some times, too, have 'rippets' but catch him if he's ever -humble." [7] - - -="Kaming" Her Ain Head= - -The late good, kind-hearted Dr. David Dickson was fond of telling a -story of a Scottish termagant of the days before Kirk-session discipline -had passed away. A couple were brought before the court, and Janet, the -wife, was charged with violent, and undutiful conduct, and with wounding -her husband, by throwing a three-legged stool at his head. The minister -rebuked her conduct, and pointing out its grievous character, by -explaining that just as Christ was head of his Church, so the husband -was head of the wife; and therefore in assaulting _him_, she had in fact -injured her own body. - -"Weel," she replied, "it's come to a fine pass gin a wife canna kame her -ain head." - -"Aye, but Janet," rejoined the minister, "a three-legged stool is a -thief-like bane-kame to scart yer ain head wi'!" - - -=Splendid Use for Bagpipes= - -A Scottish piper was passing through a deep forest. In the evening he -sat down to take his supper. He had hardly began when a number of -wolves, prowling about for food, collected round him. In self-defence, -the poor man began to throw pieces of victuals to them, which they -greedily devoured. When he had disposed of all, in a fit of despair he -took his pipes and began to play. The unusual sound terrified the wolves -so much that they scampered off in every direction. Observing this, -Sandy quietly remarked: "Od, an' I'd kenned ye liket the pipes sae weel, -I'd a gi'en ye a spring _afore_ supper." - - -=Practical Piety= - -The following story was told by the Rev. William Arnot at a soiree in -Sir W. H. Moncrief's church some years ago. - -Dr. Macleod and Dr. Watson were in the West Highlands together on a -tour, ere leaving for India. While crossing a loch in a boat, in company -with a number of passengers, a storm came on. One of the passengers was -heard to say: - -"The twa ministers should begin to pray, or we'll a' be drooned." - -"Na, na," said a boatman; "the little ane can pray, if he likes, but the -big ane must tak' an oar!" [10] - - -="There Maun be Some Faut"= - -Old Mr. Downie, the parish minister of Banchory, was noted in my -earliest days for his quiet pithy remarks on men and things as they came -before him. His reply to his son, of whose social position he had no -very exaulted opinion, was of this class. Young Downie had come to visit -his father from the West Indies, and told him that on his return he was -to be married to a lady whose high qualities and position he spoke of in -extravagant terms. He assured his father that she was "quite young, was -very rich, and very beautiful." - -"Aweel, Jemmy," said the old man, very quietly and very slily, "I'm -thinking there maun be some _faut_." [7] - - -=Deathbed Humor= - -The late Mr. Constable used to visit an old lady who was much attenuated -by long illness, and on going upstairs one tremendously hot afternoon, -the daughter was driving the flies away, saying: "These flies will eat -up a' that remains o' my puir mither." The old lady opened her eyes, and -the last words she spoke were: "What's left's good eneuch for them." - - -=A Matter-of-Fact Death Scene= - -The Scottish people, without the least intention or purpose of being -irreverent or unfeeling, often approach the awful question connected -with the funerals of friends in a cool matter-of-fact manner. A tenant -of Mr. George Lyon, of Wester Ogil, when on his death-bed, and his end -near at hand, was thus addressed by his wife: "Willie, Willie, as lang -as ye can speak, tell us are ye for your burial baps round or _square_?" -Willie, having responded to this inquiry, was next asked if the -_murners_ were to have _glooves_ or mittens--the latter having only a -thumb-piece; and Willie, having answered, was allowed to depart in -peace. - - -=Acts of Parliament "Exhausted"= - -A junior minister having to assist at a church in a remote part of -Aberdeenshire, the parochial minister (one of the old school) promised -his young friend a good glass of whiskey-toddy after all was over, -adding slily and very significantly, "and gude _smuggled_ whiskey." - -His southern guest thought it incumbent to say, "Ah, minister, that's -wrong, is it not? You know it is contrary to Act of Parliament." - -The old Aberdonian could not so easily give up his fine whiskey, so he -quietly said: "Oh, Acts of Parliament lose their breath before they get -to Aberdeenshire." - - -=Concentrated Caution= - -The most cautious answer certainly on record is that of the Scotchman -who, being asked if he could play a fiddle, warily answered that he -"couldna say, for he had never tried." - - -=A "Grave" Hint= - -Mr. Mearns, of Kineff Manse, gave an exquisitely characteristic -illustration of beadle _professional_ habits being made to bear upon the -tender passion. A certain beadle had fancied the manse house-maid, but -at a loss for an opportunity to declare himself, one day--a Sunday--when -his duties were ended, he looked sheepish, and said, "Mary, wad _ye_ -tak' a turn, Mary?" - -He led her to the churchyard, and pointing with his finger, he got out: -"My fowk lie there, Mary; wad ye like to lie there?" - -The _grave_ hint was taken, and she became his wife. - - -=A Spiritual Barometer= - -There was an old bachelor clergyman whose landlady declared that he used -to express an opinion of his dinner by the grace which he made to -follow. When he had a good dinner which pleased him, and a good glass of -beer with it, he poured forth the grace, "For the richest of Thy bounty -and its blessings we offer our thanks." When he had had poor fare and -poor beer, his grace was, "We thank Thee for the least of these Thy -mercies." - - -=A New Application of "The Argument from Design"= - -An honest Highlander, a genuine lover of sneeshin, observed, standing at -the door of the Blair Athole Hotel, a magnificent man in full tartans, -and noticed with much admiration the wide dimensions of his nostrils in -a fine up-turned nose. He accosted him and, as his most complimentary -act, offered him his mull for a pinch. - -The stranger drew up and rather haughtily said: "I never take snuff." - -"Oh," said the other, "that's a peety, for there's gran' -_accommodation_." - - -=Two Methods of Getting a Dog Out of Church= - -I had an anecdote from a friend of a reply from a betheral (beadle) to -the minister _in_ church, which was quaint and amusing from the shrewd -self-importance it indicated in his own acuteness. The clergyman had -been annoyed during the course of his sermon by the restlessness and -occasional whining of a dog, which at last began to bark outright. He -looked out for the beadle, and directed him very peremptorily, "John, -carry that dog out." - -John looked up to the pulpit and, with a very knowing expression, said: -"Na, na, sir; I'se just mak' him gae out on his ain four legs." [7] - - -=Born Too Late= - -A popular English nonconformist minister was residing with a family in -Glasgow, while on a visit to that city, whither he had gone on a -deputation from the Wesleyan Missionary Society. After dinner, in reply -to an invitation to partake of some fine fruit, he mentioned to the -family a curious circumstance concerning himself, viz.: that he had -never in his life tasted an apple, pear, or grape, or indeed any kind of -green fruit. This fact seemed to evoke considerable surprise from the -company, but a cautious Scotchman, of a practical matter-of-fact turn of -mind, and who had listened with much unconcern, drily remarked: "It's a -peety but ye had been in Paradise, an' there might na hae been ony -faa'." - - -=A Preacher with his Back Towards Heaven= - -During one of the religious revivals in Scotland, a small farmer went -about preaching with much fluency and zeal, the doctrine of a "full -assurance" of faith, and expressed his belief of it for himself in such -extravagant terms as few men would venture upon who were humble and -cautious against presumption. The preacher, being personally rather -remarkable as a man of greedy and selfish views in life, excited some -suspicion in the breast of an old sagacious countryman, a neighbor of -Dr. Macleod, who asked what _he_ thought of John as a preacher, and of -his doctrine? - -Scratching his head, as if in some doubt, he replied, "_I never ken't a -man sae sure o' heaven and so sweert_ (slow) _to be gaing taet_." [5] - - -=Nearer the Bottom than the Top= - -A little boy who attended a day school near his home, was always asked -in the evening how he stood in his own class. The invariable answer was, -"I'm second dux," which means, in Scottish academical language, second -from the top of the class. As his habits of application at home did not -quite bear out the claims to so distinguished a literary position at -school, one of the family ventured to ask what was the number in the -class to which he was attached. After some hesitation, he was obliged to -admit, "Ou, there's jist me and _anither lass_." - - -=A Crushing Argument against MS. Sermons= - -A clergyman thought his people were making rather an unconscionable -objection to his using an MS. in delivering a sermon. - -They urged, "What gars ye tak' up your bit papers to the pu'pit?" - -He replied that it was best, for really he could not remember his -sermons, and must have his paper. - -"Weel, weel, minister, then dinna expect that _we_ can remember them." - - -=Mortal Humor= - -Humor sometimes comes out on the very scaffold. An old man was once -hanged for complicity in a murder. The rope broke, and he fell heavily -to the ground. His first utterance when his breath returned to him was, -"Ah, sheriff, sheriff, gie us fair hangin'." - -His friends demanded that he should be delivered up to them, as a second -hanging was not contemplated in the sentence. But the old man, looking -round on the curious crowd of gazers, and lifting up his voice, said, -"Na, na, boys, I'll no gang hame to my neighbors to hear people pointing -me oot as the half-hangit man; I'll be hangit oot." - -And he got his wish five minutes after. - - -=A Fruitful Field= - -The following anecdote was communicated to me by a gentleman who -happened to be a party to the conversation detailed below. This -gentleman was passing along the road not one hundred miles from -Peterhead one day. Two different farms skirt the separate sides of the -turnpike, one of which is rented by a farmer who cultivates his land -according to the most advanced system of agriculture, and the other of -which is farmed by a gentleman of the old school. - -Our informant met the latter worthy at the side of the turnpike, -opposite his neighbor's farm, and seeing a fine crop of wheat upon what -appeared to be (and really was) very poor and thin land, asked, "When -was that wheat sown?" - -"O, I dinna ken," replied the gentleman of the old school, with a sort -of half indifference, half contempt. - -"But isn't it strange that such a fine crop should be reared on such bad -land?" asked our informant. - -"O, na--nae at a'--devil thank it; a gravesteen wad gie guid bree gin ye -geed it plenty o' butter." [7] - - -=The "Minister's Man"= - -The "minister's man" was a functionary now less often to be met with. He -was the minister's own servant and _factotum_. Amongst this class there -was generally much Scottish humor and original character. They were -(like the betheral, or beadle) great critics of sermons, and often -severe upon strangers, sometimes with a sly hit at their own ministers. -One of these, David, a well-known character, complimenting a young -minister who had preached, told him, "Your introduction, sir, is aye -grand; it's worth a' the rest o' the sermon,--could ye no' mak' it a' -introduction?" - -David's criticisms of his master's sermons were sometimes sharp enough -and shrewd. On one occasion, the minister was driving home from a -neighboring church where he had been preaching, and where he had, as he -thought, acquitted himself pretty well, inquired of David what _he_ -thought of it. The subject of discourse had been the escape of the -Israelites from Egypt. So David opened his criticism: - -"Thocht o't, sir? Deed I thocht nocht o't ava. It was a vara imperfect -discourse, in ma opinion; ye did well eneucht till ye took them through, -but where did ye leave them? Just daunerin' o' the sea-shore without a -place to gang till. Had it no' been for Pharaoh they had been better on -the other side, where they were comfortably encampit than daunerin' -where ye left them. It's painful to hear a sermon stoppit afore it is -richt ended, just as it is to hear ane streeket out lang after it's -dune. That's my opinion o' the sermon ye geid us to-day." - -"Very freely given, David, very freely given; drive on a little faster, -for I think ye're daunerin' noo, yersell." [7] - - -=A New and Original Scene in "Othello"= - -At a Scottish provincial theatre, a prompter named Walls, who, being -exceedingly useful, frequently appeared on the stage, happened one -evening to play the Duke, in "_Othello_." Previous to going on, he had -given directions to a girl-of-all-work, who looked after the wardrobe, -to bring a gill of best whiskey. Not wishing to go out, as the evening -was wet, the girl deputed her little brother to execute the commission. -The senate was assembled, and the speaker was-- - -_Brabantio_: "For my particular grief is of so floodgate and o'erbearing -nature, that it engluts and swallows other sorrows, and is still -itself." - -_Duke_: "Why, what's the matter?" - -Here the little boy walked on to the stage with a pewter gill stoup, and -thus delivered himself: - -"It's just the whusky, Mr. Walls, and I couldna get ony at fourpence, so -yer awn the landlord a penny, an' he says it's time you were payin' -whet's doon i' the book." - -The roars of laughter which followed from both audience and actors for -some time prevented the further progress of the play. - - -=The Shape of the Earth= - -A country schoolmaster of the old time was coaching his pupils for the -yearly examination by the clergymen of the district. He had before him -the junior geography class. - -"Can any little boy or girl tell me what is the shape of the earth?" - -To this there was no answer. - -"Oh, dear me, this is sad! What wull the minister sink o' this? Well, -I'll gie you a token to mind it. What is the shape o' this snuff-box in -ma han'?" - -"Square, sir," replied all. - -"Yes; but on the Sabbath, when a shange ma claes, I shange ma -snuff-box, and I wears a round one. Will you mind that for a token?" - -Examination day came, and the junior geography class was called. - -"Fine intelligent class this, Mr. Mackenzie," said one of the clergymen. - -"Oh, yes, sir, they're na boor-like." - -"Can any of the little boys or girls tell me what is the shape of the -earth?" - -Every hand was extended, every head thrown back, every eye flashed with -eager excitement in the good old style of schools. One was singled out -with a "You, my little fellow, tell us." - -"Roond on Sundays, and square all the rest o' the week." - - -=Rivalry in Prayer= - -Yarmouth, Nova Scotia, has a wide-awake Presbyterian elder of Scotch -character, who, although a persistent advocate of the Westminster -Confession, occasionally for convenience sake--and from an innate love -of religious intercourse--attends the meetings of his Methodist -brethren. - -At a recent prayer-meeting that was held preparatory to a centennial -service in commemoration of the progress of Methodism in Nova Scotia, -the presiding minister dwelt eloquently upon the wonderful growth and -prosperity of the Methodist Church, and upon the life of its great -founder, John Wesley. He also expressed thankfulness that on that day -there were one hundred and nine Methodist ministers in Nova Scotia. The -meeting thus very decidedly assumed a denominational character, but the -minister asked the good Presbyterian brother to lead in prayer at the -close. The elder complied, and after thanking God for the many good -things he had just heard "about this branch of Zion," he added, with -much depth and feeling, "O Lord, we thank Thee for _John Knox_; we thank -Thee for the one hundred and nine Methodist ministers in our country, -but we _especially_ thank Thee for the _one hundred and thirteen_ -Presbyterian ministers who are preaching the Word of Life throughout our -land. Amen." - - -=A Compensation Balance= - -The answers of servants often curiously illustrate the habits and -manners of the household. A bright maid-of-all-work, alluding to the -activity and parsimony of her mistress, said, "She's vicious upo' the -wark, but, eh, she's vary mysterious o' the victualing." - - -=The "Sawbeth" at a Country Inn= - -The Rev. Moncure D. Conway, while traveling in the neighborhood of the -Hebrides, heard several anecdotes illustrative of the fearful reverence -with which Scotchmen in that region observe the Sabbath. Says he: "A -minister of the kirk recently declared in public that at a country inn -he wished the window raised, so that he might get some fresh air, but -the landlady would not allow it, saying, 'Ye can hae no fresh air here -on the Sawbeth.'" [11] - - -=Scotchmen Everywhere= - -Was ever a place that hadn't its Scotchman? In a late English -publication we find an account of a gentleman traveling in Turkey, who, -arriving at a military station, took occasion to admire the martial -appearance of two men. He says: "The Russian was a fine, soldier-like -figure, nearly six feet high, with a heavy cuirassier moustache, and a -latent figure betraying itself (as the 'physical force,' novelists say) -in every line of his long muscular limbs. Our pasha was a short -thick-set man, rather too round and puffy in the face to be very -dignified; but the eager, restless glance of his quick gray eye showed -that he had no want of energy. My friend, the interpreter, looked -admiringly at the pair as they approached each other, and was just -exclaiming, 'There, thank God, are a real Russian and a real Turk, and -admirable specimens of their race, too!' when suddenly General Sarasoff -and Ibraham Pasha, after staring at each other for a moment, burst forth -simultaneously, 'Eh, Donald Cawmell, are _ye_ there?' 'Lord keep us, -Sandy Robertson, can this be _you_?'" - - -=A Bookseller's Knowledge of Books= - -A Glasgow bailie was one of a deputation sent from that city to Louis -Philippe, when that monarch was on the French throne. The king received -the deputation very graciously, and honored them with an invitation to -dinner. During the evening the party retired to the royal library, where -the king, having ascertained that the bailie followed the calling of -bookseller, showed him the works of several English authors, and said to -him: "You see, I am well supplied with standard works in English. There -is a fine edition of Burke." - -The magistrate, familiar only with Burke the murderer, exclaimed: "Ah, -the villain! I was there when he was hanged!" - - -="Fou'--Aince"= - -George Webster once met a shepherd boy in Glenshee, and asked, "My man, -were you ever fou'?" - -"Ay, aince"--speaking slowly, as if remembering--"Ay, aince." - -"What on?" - -"Cauld mutton!" [12] - - -=Sunday Drinking= - -Dr. M----, accompanied by a friend, took a long walk on Sunday, and -being fatigued, the two stopped at an inn to get some refreshment. The -landlord stopped them at the door with the question whether they were -_bona fide_ travelers, as such alone could enter his house on Sunday. -They said they were from London, and were admitted. They were sent bread -and cheese and stout. The stout was bad, and they sent for ale; but that -being worse, they sent for whiskey. The landlord refused this, saying -they had enough for their bodily necessities. - -After a great deal of urging for the whiskey, which the landlord -withstood, M---- said, "Very well; if you won't sell us whiskey, we must -use our own," at the same time pulling a flask out of his pocket. - -This was more than the Scotchman could stand. The sin was to be -committed, and there would be no compensation to its heinousness in the -way of profit to his inn. "Ah, weel," he said, "if ye maun have the -whiskey, ye maun, an' I'll send ye the mateyrials." - - -=Drawing an Inference= - -A certain functionary of a country parish is usually called the -_minister's man_, and to one of these who had gone through a long course -of such parish official life, a gentleman one day remarked--"John, ye -hae been sae lang about the minister's hand that I dare say ye could -preach a sermon yersell now." - -To which John modestly replied, "O na, sir, I couldna preach a sermon, -but maybe I could draw an inference." - -"Well, John," said the gentleman, humoring the quiet vanity of the -beadle, "what inference could ye draw frae this text, 'A wild ass -snuffeth up the wind at her pleasure!" (Jer. ii: 24). - -"Weel, sir, I wad draw this inference:--she wad snuff a lang time afore -she would fatten upon't." [7] - - -=Going to Ramoth Gilead= - -A sailor, who had served the king so long at sea that he almost forgot -the usages of civilized society on shore, went one day into the church -at his native town of Kirkcaldy, in Fife, where it happened that the -minister chose for his text the well-known passage, "Who will go up with -us to Ramoth Gilead?" - -This emphatic appeal being read the second time, and in a still more -impressive tone of voice, the thoughtless tar crammed a quid of tobacco -into his cheek, rose up, put on his hat; then, looking around him, and -seeing nobody moving, he exclaimed, "You cowardly lubbers! will none of -you go with the old gentleman? I go for one." - -So out he went, giving three cheers at the door, to the amazement of all -present. - - -=Why Saul Threw a Javelin at David= - -A High-Churchman and a Scotch Presbyterian had been at the same church. -The former asked the latter if he did not like the "introits." - -"I don't know what an introit is," was the reply. - -"But did you not enjoy the anthem?" said the churchman. - -"No, I did not enjoy it at all." - -"I am very sorry," said the churchman, "because it was used in the early -church; in fact, it was originally sung by David." - -"Ah!" said the Scotchman, "then that explains the Scripture. I can -understand why, if David sung it at that time, Saul threw his javelin at -him." - - -=A Sexton's Criticism= - -The following criticism by a Scotch sexton is not bad: - -A clergyman in the country had a stranger preaching for him one day, and -meeting his sexton, asked, "Well, Saunders, how did you like the sermon -to-day?" - -"It was rather ower plain and simple for me. I like thae sermons best -that jumbles the joodgment and confoonds the sense. Od, sir, I never saw -ane that could come up to yoursel' at that." - - -=Strange Reason for Not Increasing a Minister's Stipend= - -A relative of mine going to church with a Forfarshire farmer, one of the -old school, asked him the amount of the minister's stipend. - -He said, "Od, it's a gude ane--the maist part of L300 a year." - -"Well," said my relative, "many of these Scotch ministers are but poorly -off." - -"They've eneuch, sir; they have eneuch; if they'd mair, it would want a' -their time to the spending o't." [7] - - -=Pulpit Eloquence= - -An old clerical friend upon Speyside, a confirmed old bachelor, on going -up to the pulpit one Sunday to preach, found, after giving out the -psalm, that he had forgotten his sermon. I do not know what his -objections were to his leaving the pulpit and going to the manse for -his sermon, but he preferred sending his old confidential housekeeper -for it. He accordingly stood up in the pulpit, stopped the singing, when -it had commenced, and thus accosted his faithful domestic: "Annie, I -say, Annie, _we've_ committed a mistake the day. Ye maun jist gang your -waa's hame, and ye'll get my sermon out o' my breek pouch, an' we'll -sing to the praise o' the Lord till ye come back again." [7] - - -=Maunderings, by a Scotchman= - -The following is said by _Chambers' Journal_ to have been written by a -Scotchman. If so, the humorous way in which he is taking off a certain -tendency of the Scotch mind, is delicious; if by an Englishman, the -humor will be less keen, though not less fair. - -I am far frae being clear that Nature hersel', though a kindly auld -carline, has been a'thegither just to Scotland seeing that she has sae -contrived that some o' our greatest men, that ought by richt to hae been -Scotchmen, were born in England and other countries, and sae have been -kenned as Englishers, or else something not quite sae guid. - -There's glorious old Ben Jonson, the dramatic poet and scholar, that -everybody tak's for a regular Londoner, merely because he happened to be -born there. Ben's father, it's weel ken't, was a Johnston o' Annandale -in Dumfriesshire, a bauld guid family there to this day. He is alloo't -to hae been a gentleman, even by the English biographers o' his son; -and, dootless, sae he was, sin' he was an Annandale Johnston. He had -gane up to London, about the time o' Queen Mary, and was amang them that -suffered under that sour uphalder o' popery. Ben, puir chiel', had the -misfortune first to see the light somewhere aboot Charing Cross, instead -o' the bonnie leas o' Ecclefechan, where his poetic soul wad hae been on -far better feedin' grund, I reckon. But nae doot, he cam' to sit -contented under the dispensations of Providence. Howsomever, he ought to -be now ranked amang Scotchmen, that's a'. - -There was a still greater man in that same century, that's generally -set down as a Lincolnshire-man, but ought to be looked on as next thing -till a Scotchman, if no' a Scotchman out and out; and that's Sir Isaac -Newton. They speak o' his forebears as come frae Newton in Lancashire; -but the honest man himsel's the best authority aboot his ancestry, I -should think; and didna he say to his friend Gregory ae day: "Gregory, -ye warna aware that I'm o' the same country wi' yoursel'--I'm a -Scotchman." It wad appear that Sir Isaac had an idea in his head, that -he had come somehow o' the Scotch baronet o' the name o' Newton; and -nothing can be better attested than that there was a Scotchman o' that -name wha became a baronet by favor o' King James the Sixt (What for aye -ca' him James the _First_?) having served that wise-headed king as -preceptor to his eldest son, Prince Henry. Sae, ye see, there having -been a Scotch Newton who was a baronet, and Sir Isaac thinking he cam' -o' sic a man, the thing looks unco' like as if it were a fact. It's the -mair likely, too, frae Sir Adam Newton having been a grand scholar and a -man o' great natural ingenuity o' mind; for, as we a' ken right weel, -bright abilities gang in families. There's a chiel' o' my acquentance -that disna think the dates answer sae weel as they ought to do; but he -ance lived a twalmonth in England, and I'm feared he's grown a wee thing -prejudiced. Sae we'll say nae mair aboot _him_. - -Then, there was Willie Cowper, the author o' the _Task_, _John Gilpin_, -and mony other poems. If ye were to gie implicit credence to his English -biographers, ye wad believe that he cam' o' an auld Sussex family. But -Cowper himsel' aye insisted that he had come o' a Fife gentleman o' lang -syne, that had been fain to flit southwards, having mair guid blude in -his veins than siller in his purse belike, as has been the case wi' mony -a guid fellow before noo. It's certain that the town o' Cupar, whilk may -hae gi'en the family its name, is the head town o' that county to this -day. There was ane Willie Cowper, Bishop o' Galloway in the time o' King -Jamie--a real good exerceesed Christian, although a bishop--and the -poet jaloosed that this worthy man had been ane o' his relations. I -dinna pretend to ken how the matter really stood; but it doesna look -very likely that Cowper could hae taken up the notion o' a Scotch -ancestry, if there hadna been some tradition to that effeck. I'm -particularly vext that our country was cheated out o' haeing Cowper for -ane o' her sons, for I trow he was weel worthy o' that honor; and if -Providence had willed that he should hae been born and brought up in -Scotland, I haena the least doot that he wad hae been a minister, and -ane too, that wad hae pleased the folk just extrornar. - -There was a German philosopher in the last century, that made a great -noise wi' a book of his that explored and explained a' the in-thoughts -and out-thoughts o' the human mind. His name was Immanuel Kant; and the -Kantian philosophy is weel kent as something originating wi' him. Weel, -this Kant ought to hae been a Scotchman; or rather he _was_ a Scotchman; -but only, owing to some grandfather or great-grandfather having come to -live in Koenigsberg, in Prussia, ye'll no' hinder Immanuel frae being -born there--whilk of coorse was a pity for a' parties except Prussia, -that gets credit by the circumstance. The father of the philosopher was -an honest saddler o' the name o' Cant, his ancestor having been ane o' -the Cants o' Aberdeenshire, and maybe a relation of Andrew Cant, for -onything I ken. It was the philosopher that changed the C for the K, to -avoid the foreign look of the word, our letter C not belonging to the -German alphabet. I'm rale sorry that Kant did not spring up in Scotland, -where his metaphysical studies wad hae been on friendly grund. But I'm -quite sure, an' he had visited Scotland and come to Aberdeenshire, he -wad hae fund a guid number o' his relations, that wad hae been very glad -to see him, and never thought the less o' him for being merely a -philosopher. - -Weel, we've got down a guid way noo, and the next man I find that ought -by richts to hae been a Scotchman is that deil's bucky o' a poet, Lord -Byron. I'm no' saying that Lord Byron was a'thegither a respectable -character, ye see; but there can be nae manner o' doot that he wrote -grand poetry, and got a great name by it. Noo, Lord Byron was born in -London--I'm no' denyin' what Tammy Muir says on that score--but his -mother was a Scotch leddy, and she and her husband settled in Scotland -after their marriage, and of coorse their son wad hae been born there in -due time, had it no' been that the husband's debts obliged them to gang, -first to France and after that to London, where the leddy cam' to hae -her down-lying, as has already been said. This, it plainly appears to -me, was a great injustice to Scotland. - -My greatest grudge o' a' is regarding that bright genius for historical -composition, Thomas Babbington Macaulay, M.P. for Edinburgh. About the -year 1790, the minister o' the parish o' Cardross in Dumbartonshire, was -a Mr. M'Aulay, a north-country man, it's said, and a man o' uncommon -abilities. It was in his parish that that other bright genius, Tobias -Smollett, was born, and if a' bowls had rowed richt, sae should T. B. M. -But it was otherwise ordeened. A son o' this minister, having become -preceptor to a Mr. Barbinton, a young man o' fortune in England, it sae -cam' aboot that this youth and his preceptor's sister, wha was an -extrornan' bonny lass, drew up thegither, and were married. That led to -ane o' the minister's sons going to England--namely, Mr. Zachary, the -father o' oor member; and thus it was that we were cheated out o' the -honor o' having T. B. as an out-and-out Scotsman, whilk it's no' natural -to England to bring forth sic geniuses, weary fa' it, that I should say -sae. I'm sure I wiss that the bonny lass had been far eneuch, afore she -brought about this strange cantrip o' fortune, or that she had contented -hersel' wi' an honest Greenock gentleman that wanted her, and wha, I've -been tould, de'ed no' aboon three year syne. - -Naebody that kens me will ever suppose that I'm vain either aboot mysel' -or my country. I wot weel, when we consider what frail miserable -creatures we are, we hae little need for being proud o' onything. Yet, -somehow, I aye like to hear the name o' puir auld Scotland brought aboon -board, so that it is na for things even-down disrespectable. Some years -ago, we used to hear a great deal about a light-headed jillet they ca' -Lola Montes, that had become quite an important political character at -the coort o' the king o' Bavaria. Noo, although I believe it's a fact -that Lola's father was a Scotch officer o' the army, I set nae store by -her ava--I turn the back o' my hand on a' sic cutties as her. Only, it -_is_ a fact that she comes o' huz--o' that there can be nae doot, be it -creditable or no'. - -Well, ye see, there's another distinguished leddy o' modern times, -that's no' to be spoken o' in the same breath wi' that Lady Lighthead. -This is the new Empress o' France. A fine-looking queen she is, I'm -tauld. Weel, it's quite positive aboot her that her mother was a -Kirkpatrick, come of the house o' Closeburn, in the same county that Ben -Jonson's father cam' frae. The Kirkpatricks have had land in -Dumfriesshire since the days o' Bruce, whose friend ane o' them was, at -the time when he killed Red Cummin; but Closeburn has long passed away -frae them, and now belangs to Mr. Baird, the great iron master o' the -west o' Scotland. Howsomever, the folks thereaboots hae a queer story -aboot a servant-lass that was in the house in the days o' the empress' -great-grandfather like. She married a man o' the name o' Paterson and -gaed to America, and her son came to be a great merchant, and his -daughter became Prince Jerome Bonaparte's wife; and sae it happens that -a lady come frae the parlor o' Closeburn sits on the throne o' France, -while a prince come frae the kitchen o' the same place is its heir -presumptive! I'm no' sure that the hale o' this story is quite the -thing; but I tell it as it was tauld to me. - -I'm no' ane that tak's up my head muckle wi' public singers, playgoers, -composers o' music, and folk o' that kind; but yet we a' ken that some -o' them atteen to a great deal o' distinction, and are muckle ta'en out -by the nobility and gentry. Weel, I'm tauld (for I ken naething about -him mysel') that there was ane Donizetti, a great composer o' operas, -no' very lang syne. Now, Donizetti, as we've been tauld i' _the public -papers_, was the son o' a Scotchman. His father was a Highlandman, -called Donald Izett, wha left his native Perthshire as a soldier--maist -likely the Duke o' Atholl pressed him into the service as ane o' his -volunteers--and Donald having quitted the army somewhere abroad, set up -in business wi' Don Izett over his door, whilk the senseless folk -thereabouts soon transformed into Donizetti, and thus it came about that -his son, wha turned out a braw musician, bore this name frae first to -last, and dootless left it to his posterity. I ken weel that Izett is a -Perthshire name, and there was ane o' the clan some years sin' in -business in the North Brig o' Edinburgh, and a rale guid honest man he -was, I can tell ye, and a very sensible man, too. Ye'll see his -head-stane ony day i' the Grayfriars. And this is guid evidence to me -that Donizetti was, properly speaking, a Scotchman. It's a sair pity for -himsel' that he wasna born, as he should hae been, on the braes o' -Atholl, for then he wad nae doot hae learned the richt music, that is -played there sae finely on the fiddle--namely, reels and strath-speys; -and I dinna ken but, wi' proper instruction, he might hae rivalled Neil -Gow himsel'. - -Ye've a' heard o' Jenny Lind, the Swedish nightingale, as the fulishly -ca' her, as if there ever were ony nightingales in Sweden. She's a vera -fine creature, this Jenny Lind, no greedy o' siller, as sae mony are, -but aye willing to exerceese her gift for the guid o' the sick and the -puir. She's, in fack, just sick a young woman as we micht expeck -Scotland to produce, if it ever produced public singers. Weel, Jenny, -I'm tauld, is another of the great band o' distinguished persons that -ought to hae been born in Scotland, for it's said her greatgrandfather -(I'm no' preceese as to the generation) was a Scotchman that gaed lang -syne to spouse his fortune abroad, and chanced to settle in Sweden, -where he had sons and daughters born to him. There's a gey wheen Linds -about Mid-Calder, honest farmer-folk, to this day; sae I'm thinkin' -there's no' muckle room for doot as to the fack. - -Noo, having shewn sic a lang list o' mischances as to the nativity o' -Scotch folk o' eminence, I think ye'll alloo that we puir bodies in the -north hae some occasion for complaint. As we are a' in Providence's -hand, we canna, of coorse, prevent some o' our best countrymen frae -coming into the world in wrang places--sic as Sir Isaac Newton in -Lincolnshire, whilk I think an uncommon pity; but what's to hinder sic -persons frae being reputed and held as Scotchmen notwithstanding? I'm -sure I ken o' nae objection, except it may be that our friends i' the -south, feeling what a sma' proportion o' Great Britons are Englishmen, -may entertain some jealousy on the subjeck. If that be the case, the -sooner that the Association for Redress o' Scottish Grievances takes up -the question the better. [21] - - -=A Leader's Description of His Followers= - -Old John Cameron was leader of a small quadrille band in Edinburgh, the -performances of which were certainly not the very finest. - -Being disappointed on one occasion of an engagement at a particular -ball, he described his more fortunate but equally able brethren in the -following terms: "There's a Geordie Menstrie, he plays rough, like a man -sharpening knives wi' yellow sand. Then there's Jamie Corri, his -playin's like the chappin' o' mince-collops--sic short bows he tak's. -And then there's Donald Munro, his bass is like wind i' the lum, or a -toom cart gaun down Blackfriars' Wynd!" - - -=It Takes Two To Fight= - -A physician at Queensferry was once threatened with a challenge. His -method of receiving it was at once cool and incontrovertible. - -"Ye may challenge me if ye like," said he; "but whether or no, there'll -be nae fecht, _unless I gang out_." - - -="What's the Lawin', Lass?"= - -The following dialogue occurred in a little country inn, not so long ago -as the internal evidence might lead one to suppose. The interlocutors -are an English tourist and a smart young woman, who acted as waitress, -chambermaid, boots, and everybody else, being the man and the maid of -the inn at the same time: - -_Tourist_: Come here, if you please. - -_Jenny_: I was just coming ben to you, sir. - -_Tourist_: Well, now, mistress. - -_Jenny_: I'm no' the mistress; I'm only the lass, an' I'm no' married. - -_Tourist_: Very well, then, miss. - -_Jenny_: I'm no' a miss; I'm only a man's dochter. - -_Tourist_: A man's daughter? - -_Jenny_: Hoot, ay, sir; didna ye see a farm as ye came up yestreen, just -three parks aff? - -_Tourist_: It is very possible; I do not remember. - -_Jenny_: Weel, onyway, it's my faither's. - -_Tourist_: Indeed! - -_Jenny_: Ay, it's a fact. - -_Tourist_: Well, that fact being settled, let us proceed to business. -Will you let me see your bill? - -_Jenny_: Our Bill. Ou, ay, Wully we ca' him, but I ken wha you -mean--he's no in e'en now. - -_Tourist_: Wully! what I want is my account--a paper stating what I have -had, and how much I have to pay. - -_Jenny_: Did ony woman ever hear the like o' that--ye mean the lawin', -man! But we keep nae accounts here; na, na, we hae ower muckle to dae. - -_Tourist_: And how do you know what to charge? - -_Jenny_: On, we just put the things down on the sclate, and tell the -customers the tottle by word o' mouth. - -_Tourist_: Just so. Well, will you give me the lawin', as I am going? - -_Jenny_: Oh, sir, ye're jokin' noo! It's you maun gie me the lawin'--the -lawin's the siller. - -_Tourist_: Oh, indeed, I beg your pardon; how much is it? - -_Jenny_: That's just what I was coming ben to tell you, sir. If ye had -ask'd me first, or waited till I tell't ye, I wadna hae keepit ye a -minute. We're no blate at askin' the lawin', although some folk are -unco' slow at payin' o't. It's just four-and-six. - -_Tourist_: That is very moderate; there is five shillings. - -_Jenny_: Thank you, sir; I hope we hae a sixpence in the house, for I -wadna' like to gie bawbees to a gentleman. - -_Tourist_: No, no; the sixpence is for yourself. - -_Jenny_: Oh, sir, it's ower muckle. - -_Tourist_: What, do you object to take it? - -_Jenny_: Na, na, sir; I wouldna' put that affront upon ye. But I'll gie -ye a bit o' advice for't. When ye're gaun awa' frae an inn in a hurry, -dinna be fashin' yersel' wi' mistresses, and misses, and bills; but just -say, "What's the lawin', lass?" - - -=Meanness versus Crustiness= - -A rather mean and parsimonious old lady called one day upon David -Dreghorn, a well-known Glasgow fishmonger, saying, "Weel, Maister -Dreghorn, how are ye selling your half salmon the noo?" - -David being in a rather cross humor, replied, "When we catch ony half -salmon, mem, we'll let ye ken!" - - -=Speeding the Parting Guest= - -It is related of a noble Scottish lady of the olden time, who lived in a -remote part of the Highlands, and was noted for her profuse liberality, -that she was some times overburdened with habitual "sorners." When any -one of them outstayed his welcome, she would take occasion to say to him -at the morning meal, with an arch look at the rest of the company, "Mak' -a guid breakfast, Mr. ----, while ye're about it; ye dinna ken whaur -ye'll get your dinner." The hint was usually taken, and the "sorner" -departed. - - -="Things Which Accompany Salvation"= - -"What d'ye think o' this great revival that's gaun on the noo, Jamie?" -asked a grocer of a brother tradesman. - -"Weel," answered Jamie, "I canna say muckle about it, but I ken this--I -hae gotten in a gude wheen bawbees that I had given up lang syne as bad -debts." - - -=Lights and Livers= - -Lord Cockburn, when at the bar, was pleading in a steamboat collision -case. The case turned on the fact of one of the steamers carrying no -lights, which was the cause of the accident. Cockburn insisting on this, -wound up his eloquent argument with this remark: "In fact, gentlemen, -had there been more _lights_, there would have been more _livers_." - - -=Both Short= - -"Ye're unco' short the day, Saunders, surely," said an undersized -student to a Glasgow bookseller, one morning, when the latter was in an -irritable mood. - -"Od, man," was the retort, "ye may haud your tongue; ye're no' sae lang -yersel'." - - -=His Own, With "Interest"= - -"Coming from h--l, Lauchlan?" quoth a shepherd, proceeding on Sacrament -Sunday to the Free Church, and meeting a friend coming from the Church -of the Establishment. - -"Better nor going to it, Rory," retorted Lauchlan, as he passed on. - - -="The Spigot's Oot"= - -Lord Airlie remarked to one of his tenants that it was a very wet -season. - -"Indeed, my lord," replied the man, "I think the spigot's oot -a'thegither." - - -=Looking After Himself= - -A canny man, who had accepted the office of elder because some wag had -made him believe that the remuneration was a sixpence each Sunday and a -boll of meal on New Year's Day, officially carried round the ladle each -Sunday after service. When the year expired he claimed the meal, but was -told that he had been hoaxed. - -"It may be sae wi' the meal," he replied, coolly, "but I took care o' -the saxpence mysel'." - - -=An Epitaph to Order= - -The Rev. Dr. M'Culloch, minister of Bothwell at the end of last century, -was a man of sterling independence and great self-decision. To a -friend--Rev. Mr. Brisbane--he one day said, "You must write my epitaph -if you survive me." - -"I will do that," said Mr. Brisbane; "and you shall have it at once, -doctor." - -Next morning he received the following: - - "Here lies, interred beneath this sod, - That sycophantish man of God, - Who taught an easy way to heaven, - Which to the rich was always given; - If he get in, he'll look and stare - To find some out that he put there." - - -=A Variety Entertainment= - -There used to be a waggish ostler at one of the chief inns at Hertford, -who delighted to make merry at the expense of any guests who gave -themselves airs. The manner of the ostler was extremely deferential, and -only those who knew him well were aware of the humor which almost always -lurked beneath his civil replies to the questions put to him. One day a -commercial traveler, a complete prig, who wanted to play the fine -gentleman, entered the inn, and having despatched his dinner, rang the -bell of the commercial room for "boots," who presently made his -appearance, when the following colloquy took place: - -_Commercial_: "Dull town, this. Any amusements, Boots?" - -_Boots_: "Yes, sir, please, sir; Musical Conversazione over the way at -the Shire Hall, sir. Half-a-crown admission, sir. Very nice, sir." - -_Commercial_: "Ah, nice music, I dare say; I don't care for such things. -Is there nothing else, Boots?" - -_Boots_: "Yes, sir, please, sir; Popular Entertainment at Corn Exchange, -admission one penny; gentlemen pay sixpence to front seats, sir, if they -please, sir." - -_Commercial_: "Intensely vulgar! Are there no other amusements in this -confoundedly dull town?" - -_Boots_: "Yes, sir, please sir; railway station at each end of the -town--walk down and see the trains come in." - - -=A Descriptive Hymn= - -A minister in Orkney having been asked by the Rev. Mr. Spark, minister -of St. Magnus, to conduct service in his church, and also to baptize his -infant daughter, gave out for singing, before the baptismal service, a -portion of the fifth paraphrase, beginning: - - "As _sparks_ in quick succession rise." - -As Mr. Spark's help-mate was a fruitful vine, and presented him with a -pledge of her affection every year, the titter among the congregation -was unmistakable and irresistible. - - -=A Vigorous Translation= - -"What is the meaning of _ex nihilo nihil fit_?" asked a Highlander of a -village schoolmaster. - -"Weel, Donald," answered the dominie, "I dinna mind the literal -translation; but it just means that ye canna tak' the breeks aff a -Highland-man." - - -="Before the Provost!"= - -The magistrates of the Scottish burghs, though respectable men, are -generally not the wealthiest in their respective communities. And it -sometimes happens, in the case of very poor and remote burghs, that -persons of a very inferior station alone can be induced to accept the -uneasy dignity of the municipal chair. - -An amusing story is told regarding the town of L----, in B----shire, -which is generally considered as a peculiarly miserable specimen of -these privileged townships. An English gentleman approaching L---- one -day in a gig, his horse started at a heap of dry wood and decayed -branches of trees, which a very poor-looking old man was accumulating -upon the road, apparently with the intention of conveying them to town -for sale as firewood. The stranger immediately cried to the old man, -desiring him in no very civil terms, to clear the road that his horse -might pass. The old man, offended at the disrespectful language of the -complainant, took no notice of him, but continued to hew away at the -trees. - -"You old dog," the gentleman then exclaimed, "I'll have you brought -before the provost, and put into prison for your disregard of the laws -of the road." - -"Gang to the de'il, man, wi' your provost!" the woodcutter -contemptuously replied; "I'm provost mysel'." - - -=Denominational Graves= - -For a short time after the disruption, an unkindly feeling existed -between the ministers of the Established Church and their protesting -brethren. Several "free" parishioners of Blackford, Perthshire, waited -on Mr. Clark, the established minister, and requested that they might -have the services of a non-Erastian sexton. - -"Will you allow us, sir," said one of the deputation, "to dig our own -graves?" - -"Certainly, gentlemen," said Mr. Clark, "you are most welcome; and the -sooner the better!" - - -=Escaping Punishment= - -An active-looking boy, aged about twelve years, was brought up before -Provost Baker, at the Rutherglen Burgh Court, charged with breaking into -gardens and stealing fruit therefrom. The charge having been -substantiated, the magistrate, addressing the juvenile offender, said in -his gravest manner: "If you had a garden, and pilfering boys were to -break into and steal your property, in what way would you like to have -them punished?" - -"Aweel, sir," replied the prisoner, "I think I would let them awa' for -first time." - -It is needless to add that the worthy provost was mollified, and that -the little fellow was dismissed with an admonition. - - -=Passing Remarks= - -"There she goes," sneered an Englishman, as a Highlander marched past in -his tartans at a fair. - -"There she lies," retorted Duncan, as he knocked the scorner down at a -blow. - - -=Scottish Vision and Cockney Chaff= - -Two sharp youths from London, while enjoying themselves among the -heather in Argylshire, met with a decent-looking shepherd upon the top -of a hill. They accosted him by remarking: "You have a fine view here, -friend; you will be able to see a great way." - -"Ou, ay, ou, ay, a ferry great way." - -"Ah! you will see America from here?" - -"Farther than that," said Donald. - -"Ah! how's that?" - -"Ou, juist wait till the mists gang awa', an' you'll see the mune!" - - -="The," and "The Other"= - -When the chief of the Scottish clan, Macnab, emigrated to Canada with a -hundred clansmen, he, on arriving at Toronto, called on his namesake, -the late Sir Allen, and left his card as "_The_ Macnab." Sir Allen -returned his visit, leaving as his card, "The _other_ Macnab." - - -="Old Clo'"= - -Christopher North had a great hatred of the "old clo'" men who infest -the streets. Coming from his class one day, a shabby Irishman asked him -in the usual confidential manner, "Any old clo', sir?" - -"No;" replied the professor, imitating the whisper; "no, my dear -fellow,--have you?" - - -=Church Popularity= - -"How is it, John," said a minister to his man, "that you never go a -message for me anywhere in the parish but you contrive to take too much -spirits? People don't offer _me_ spirits when I'm making visits in the -parish." - -"Weel, sir," said John, "I canna precisely explain it, unless on the -supposition that I'm a wee bit mair popular wi' some o' the folks maybe -than you are." - - -=Wersh Parritch and Wersh Kisses= - -Kirsty and Jenny, two country lassies, were supping their "parritch" -from the same bicker in the harvest-field one morning. - -"Hech," said Kirsty to her neighbor, "Jenny, but thae's awfu' wersh -parritch!" - -"'Deed are they," said Jenny, "they are that. D'ye ken what they put me -in mind o'? Just o' a kiss frae a body that ye dinna like." - - -=A Stranger in the Court of Session= - -The "Daft Highland Laird," a noted character in Edinburgh at the latter -end of last century, one day accosted the Hon. Henry Erskine, as he was -entering the Parliament House. Erskine inquired of the "laird" how he -did. - -"Oh, very well!" answered the laird; "but I'll tell ye what, Harry, tak' -in _Justice_ wi' ye," pointing to one of the statues over the old porch -of the House; "for she has stood lang i' the outside, and it would be a -treat to see her inside, like other strangers!" - - -=Wit and Humor Under Difficulties= - -Sandy Gordon, the town-crier of Maybole, was a character in his way. At -one period of his life he had been an auctioneer and appraiser, although -his "louring drouth" interfered sadly with the business, but neither -poverty nor misfortune could blunt Sandy's relish for a joke. One day, -going down the street he encountered his son riding on an ass. - -"Weel, Jock," quoth he, "you're a riding on your brither." - -"Ay, father," rejoined the son, "I didna ken this was ane o' yours tae." - -At a neighboring village he had one day sold his shoes to slake his -thirst. After the transaction he was discovered seated on the roadside, -gazing on his bare feet, and soliloquizing in this strain--"Step forrit, -barefit Gordon, if it's no' _on_ you, it's _in_ you." - -He was once taking a walk into the country, when he met Sir David Hunter -Blair. - -"Where are you for to-day, Gordon?" asked the baronet. - -"Sir David," rejoined the crier, with some dignity, "if I was to ask -that of you, you would say I was ill-bred." - -He had the misfortune once to break his leg in a drunken brawl, and a -hastily constructed litter was improvised to carry him home. Still his -characteristic humor did not leave him. "Canny boys," he would cry to -those carrying him, "keep the funeral step; tak' care o' my pipe; let -oor Jock tae the head, he's the chief mourner." - - -=An Affectionate Aunt= - -A plain-spoken old Scottish lady, Mrs. Wanchope, of Nibbey, being very -ill, sent for Aunt Soph and said to her: "Soph, I believe I am dying; -will you be always kind to my children when I am gone?" - -"Na, na; tak' yer spoilt deevils wi' ye," was the reply, "for I'll hae -naething ado wi' them!" - - -=A Discerning Fool= - -"Jock, how auld will ye be?" said a sage wife to daft Jock Amos one day, -when talking of their ages. - -"O, I dinna ken," said Jock; "it would tak' a wiser head than mine to -tell you that." - -"It's an unco' queer thing you dinna ken hoo auld you are," returned the -woman. - -"I ken weel eneuch how auld I _am_," answered Jock; "but I dinna ken how -auld _I'll be_." [24] - - -=A Law of Nature= - -Principal Hill once encountered a fierce onslaught from the Rev. James -Burn in the General Assembly. When Mr. Burn had concluded his attack, -the professor rose, and said with a smile: "Moderator, we all know that -it is most natural that _Burns_ should _run down Hills_." - -The laugh was effectually raised against his opponent, whose arguments -and assertions he then proceeded to demolish at his leisure. - - -=Ingenious Remedy for Ignorance= - -When a former Prince of Wales was married, a Highland minister at -Greenock was praying for the happiness and welfare of the royal couple. -He was somewhat embarrassed as to how he should join the two names, but -at length he got over it thus: - -"Lord bless _her_ royal highness the Prince of Wales, and _his_ royal -highness the _she_ prince!" - - -=Highland "Warldliness"= - -At a breakfast there was abundance of Highland cheer, towering dishes of -scones, oatcakes, an enormous cheese, fish eggs and a monstrous -grey-beard of whiskey ready, if required; fumes of tobacco were floating -in the air, and the whole seemed an embodiment of the Highlander's -grace, "Oh, gie us rivers of whiskey, chau'ders o' snuff, and tons o' -tobacco, pread an' a cheese as pig as the great hill of Ben Nevis, and -may our childer's childer be lords and lairds to the latest -sheneration." On repeating this grace to an old hillsman of eighty, -leaning on his stick, he thoughtfully answered: "Weel, it's a goot -grace--a very goot grace--but it's a warldly thing!" - - -=A Paradox= - -On Henry Erskine being told that Knox, who had long derived his -livelihood by keeping the door of the Parliament House, had been killed -by a shot from a small cannon on the king's birthday, he observed that -"it was remarkable that a man should live by the civil and die by the -can(_n_)on law." - - -=A Sensible Lass= - -A Scottish gentleman, while walking in a meadow with some ladies, had -the impudence to snatch a kiss from one, unperceived by the rest. She -said indignantly, "Sir, I am not accustomed to such freedom." - -"It will be the greater rarity, then, madam." - -She flew from him, and ran towards her mother, who, alarmed at her -seeming terror, inquired what was the cause. - -"She has taken fright at a rash buss," said the gentleman. - -"O, ye idiot," said the mother, "go back this instant." - -She returned, smiling, and said, "Do't again, it's no' forbidden." - - -=A Sad Loss= - -An old lady was telling her grandchildren about some trouble in -Scotland, in the course of which the chief of her clan was beheaded. - -"It was nae great thing of a head, bairns, to be sure," said the good -lady, "but it was a sad loss to him." - - -=Catechising= - -The minister called in upon the gudewife at Corset Hill one night, for -the purpose of catechising her. - -"What is the Lord's Supper, Peggy?" he inquired. - -"'Deed, sir," said the hostel wife, more intent on matters temporal than -on things spiritual, "there's nae lords come this way; but I'se tell ye -what a cadger's supper is--it's just a groat; and what they leave at -night they tak' awa' wi' them in their pouch in the morning." - - -=Lord Cockburn Confounded= - -One day Lord Cockburn went into the Second Division of the Court of -Session, but came out again very hurriedly, meeting Lord Jeffrey at the -door. - -"Do you see any paleness about my face, Jeffrey?" asked Cockburn. - -"No," replied Jeffrey; "I hope you're well enough." - -"I don't know," said the other; "but I have just heard Bolus (Lord -Justice-Clerk Boyle) say: 'I _for one_ am of opinion that this case is -founded on the fundamental basis of a quadrilateral contract, the four -sides of which are agglutinated by adhesion!'" - -"I think, Cockburn," said Jeffrey "that you had better go home." - - -="No Compliments"= - -An aged divine had occasionally to avail himself of the assistance of -probationers. One day, a young man, very vain of his accomplishments as -a preacher, officiated, and, on descending from the pulpit, was met by -the old gentleman with extended hands. Expecting high praise, he said, -"No compliments, I pray." - -"Na, na, na, my young friend," said the minister, "nowadays I'm glad o' -onybody!" - - -=A Sensible Servant= - -A very old domestic servant of the familiar Scottish character common -long ago, having offended his master extremely, was commanded to leave -his service instantly. - -"In troth, and that will I not," answered the domestic; "if your honor -disna ken when ye hae a gude servant, I ken when I hae a gude master, -and go away I will not." - -On another occasion of the same nature the master said, "John, you and I -shall never sleep under the same roof again", to which John replied, -with much _naivete_, "Where the deil can your honor be ganging?" - - -=A Lesson in Manners= - -William Martin was at one time a book auctioneer in Edinburgh. He was no -great scholar, and occasionally made some humorous blunders during the -exercise of his vocation. One night he made a clumsy attempt to unravel -the title of a French book. A young dandy, wishing to have the laugh at -Martin's expense, asked him to read the title again, as he did not quite -understand him. - -"Oh!" said Martin, "it's something about manners, and that's what -neither you nor me has ower muckle o'." - - -=A Magnanimous Cobbler= - -At a certain country election of a member of Parliament in the -Highlands, the popular candidate waited on a shoemaker to solicit his -vote. - -"Get out of my house, sir," said the shoemaker; and the gentleman was -forced to retire accordingly. The cobbler, however, followed him and -called him back, saying, "You turned me off from your estate, sir, and I -was determined to turn you out of my house; but for all that, I'll give -you my vote." - - -=How Greyhounds are Produced= - -At a certain mansion, notorious for its scanty fare, a gentleman was -inquiring of the gardener about a dog which he had given to the laird -some time before. The gardener showed him a lank greyhound, on which the -gentleman said: "No, no; the dog I gave your master was a mastiff, not a -greyhound"; to which the gardener quietly answered: - -"Indeed, sir, ony dog would soon be turned into a greyhound if it -stoppit lang here." - - -=Vanity Scathingly Reproved= - -Burns was dining with Maxwell of Terraughty, when one of the guests -chose to talk of the dukes and earls with whom he had drank or dined, -till the host and others got tired of him. Burns, however, silenced him -with an epigram: - - "What of earls, with whom you have supped? - And of dukes, that you dined with yestreen? - Lord! a louse, sir, is still but a louse, - Though it crawls on the curls of a queen." - - -=Gratifying Industry!= - -In Galloway large craigs are met with having ancient writing on them. -One on the farm of Knockleby has, cut deep on the upper side: - - "Lift me up and I'll tell you more." - -A number of people gathered to this craig, and succeeded in lifting it -up, in hopes of being well repaid; but, instead of finding any gold, -they found written on it: - - "Lay me down as I was before." - - -=The Force of Habit= - -Some years ago a Scotch gentleman, who went to London for the first -time, took the uppermost story of a lodging-house, and was very much -surprised to get what he thought the genteelest place of the whole at -the lowest price. His friends who came to see him, in vain acquainted -him with the mistake he had been guilty of. - -"He ken't very weel," he said, "what gentility was; and after having -lived all his life in a sixth story, he had not come to London to live -upon the ground." - - -=Significant Advice= - -A church in the north country which required a pastor had a beadle who -took an active interest in all the proceedings taken to fill up the -vacancy. - -One of the candidates, after the afternoon service was over, put off his -cloak in the vestry and slipped into the church, in which our worthy was -just putting things to rights. - -"I was just taking a look at the church," said the minister. - -"Ay, tak' a guid look at it," said the beadle, "for it's no' likely -ye'll ever see't again." - - -=A "Wigging"= - -The Rev. Dr. Macleod (father of the late Dr. Norman Macleod) was -proceeding to open a new place of worship. - -As he passed slowly and gravely through the crowd gathered about the -doors, an elderly man, with the peculiar kind of a wig known in that -district--bright, smooth and of a reddish brown--accosted him: - -"Doctor, if you please, I wish to speak to you." - -"Well, Duncan," said the venerable doctor, "can ye not wait till after -worship?" - -"No, doctor; I must speak to you now, for it is a matter upon my -conscience." - -"Oh, since it is a matter of conscience, tell me what it is; but be -brief, Duncan, for time presses." - -"The matter is this, doctor. Ye see the clock yonder on the face of the -new church? Well, there is no clock really there--nothing but the face -of the clock. There is no truth in it, but only once in the twelve -hours. Now it is, in my mind, very wrong, and quite against my -conscience, that there should be a lie on the face of the house of the -Lord." - -"Duncan, I will consider the point. I am glad to see you looking so -well. You are not young now; I remember you for many years; and what a -fine head of hair you have still!" - -"Eh, doctor, you are joking now; it is long since I have had my hair." - -"Oh, Duncan, Duncan, are you going into the house of the Lord with a lie -upon your head?" - -This settled the question, and the doctor heard no more of the lie on -the face of the clock. - - -=A Poacher's Prayer= - -Jamie Hamilton, a noted poacher at Crawfordjohn, was once asked by a -woman to pray for a poor old woman who was lying at the point of death. - -"I canna pray," said he. - -"But ye maun do't, Jamie," said the woman. - -"Weel, if I maun do't, I maun do't, but I haena muckle to say," said -Jamie. - -Being placed beside the dying woman, the poacher, with thoughts more -intent upon hares than prayers, said "O Lord, thou kens best Thyself how -the case stands between Thee and auld Eppie: but sin' ye hae baith the -haft and the blade in your ain hand, just guide the gully as best suits -Thy ain glory and her guid. Amen!" - -Could a bishop have said more in as few words? - - -=Broader than He was Long= - -Mr. Dale, whose portrait figures in _Kay_, was very short in stature, -and also very stout. - -Having mentioned to a friend one day that "he had slipped on the ice, -and fallen all his length"-- - -"Be thankful, sir," was the consolatory and apt reply, "that it was not -all your breadth!" - - -="Prayer, with Thanksgiving"= - -On one occasion, a clergyman eminent for his piety and simplicity of -heart, but also noted for his great eccentricity of character, surprised -his hearers by introducing the following passage into one of his -prayers: "Oh Lord! we desire to offer our grateful thanks unto Thee for -the seasonable relief which Thou has sent to the poor of this place, -from thine inexhaustible storehouse in the great deep, and which every -day we hear called upon our streets, 'Fine fresh herrings, sax a penny! -sax a penny!'" - - -=An Extra Shilling to Avoid a Calamity= - -A farmer having buried his wife, waited upon the grave-digger who had -performed the necessary duties, to pay him fees. Being of a niggardly -disposition, he endeavored to get the knight of the spade to abate his -charges. - -The patience of the latter becoming exhausted, he grasped his shovel -impulsively, and, with an angry look, exclaimed: "Doon wi' another -shillin', or--up she comes!" The threat had the desired effect. - - -=Putting off a Duel and Avoiding a Quarrel= - -At a convivial meeting of the Golfing Society at Bruntsfield Links, -Edinburgh, on one occasion, a Mr. Megget took offence at something which -Mr. Braidwood, father of the lamented superintendent of the London Fire -Brigade, had said. Being highly incensed, he desired the latter to -follow him to the Links, and he "would do for him." - -Without at all disturbing himself, Mr. Braidwood pleasantly replied: -"Mr. Megget, if you will be so good as to go out to the Links, and _wait -till I come_, I will be very much obliged to you." - -This produced a general burst of laughter, in which his antagonist could -not refrain from joining; and it had the effect of restoring him to good -humor for the remainder of the evening. - - -=A Test of Literary Appreciation= - -Dr. Ranken, of Glasgow, wrote a very ponderous _History of France_. -Wishing to learn how it was appreciated by the public, he went to -Stirling's Library _incognito_, and inquired "if Dr. Ranken's _History -of France_ was in?" - -Mr. Peat, the caustic librarian, curtly replied: "In! it never was out!" - - -=Ornithology= - -"Pray, Lord Robertson," said a lady to that eminent lawyer at a party, -"can you tell me what sort of a bird the bul-bul is?" - -"I suppose, ma'am," replied the humorous judge, "it is the male of the -coo-coo." - - -=A Practical View of Matrimony= - -"Fat's this I hear ye're gaun to dee, Jeannie," said an Aberdeen lass to -another young woman. - -"Weel, Maggie, lass, I'm just gaun to marry that farm ower by there, and -live wi' the bit mannie on't." - - -=Winning the Race Instead of the Battle= - -When Sir John Copse fled from Dunbar, the fleetness of his horse carried -him foremost, upon which a sarcastic Scotsman complimented him by -saying, "Deed, sir, but ye hae won the race: win the battle wha like!" - - -="After You, Leddies"= - -Will Hamilton, the "daft man o' Ayr," was once hanging about the -vicinity of a loch, which was partially frozen. Three young ladies were -deliberating as to whether they should venture upon the ice, when one of -them suggested that Will should be asked to walk on first. The proposal -was made to him. - -"Though I'm daft, I'm no' ill-bred," quickly responded Will; "after you, -leddies!" - - -="Ursa Major"= - -Boswell expatiating to his father, Lord Auchinleck, on the learning and -other qualities of Dr. Johnson, concluded by saying, "He is the grand -luminary of our hemisphere--quite a constellation, sir." - -"Ursa Major, I suppose," dryly responded the judge. - - -=Sheridan's Pauses= - -A Scottish minister had visited London in the early part of the present -century, and seen, among other tricks of pulpit oratory, "Sheridan's -Pauses" exhibited. During his first sermon, after his return home, he -took occasion at the termination of a very impassioned and highly -wrought sentence or paragraph, to stop suddenly, and pause in "mute -unbreathing silence." - -The precentor, who had taken advantage of his immemorial privilege to -sleep out the sermon, imagining, from the cessation of sound, that the -discourse was actually brought to a close, started up, with some degree -of agitation, and in an audible, though somewhat tremulous voice read -out his usual, "Remember in prayer----" - -"Hoot man!" exclaimed the good-natured orator over his head, placing at -the same time his hand upon his shoulder: "hout, Jamie, man, what's the -matter wi' ye the day; d'ye no ken I hae nae done yet?-- That's only ane -o' Sheridan's pauses, man!" - - -=Absent in Mind, and Body, Too= - -The Rev. John Duncan, the Hebrew scholar, was very absent-minded, and -many curious stories are told of this awkward failing. - -On one occasion he had arranged to preach in a certain church a few -miles from Aberdeen. - -He set out on a pony in good time, but when near the end of his journey -he felt a desire to take a pinch of snuff. The wind, however, blowing in -his face, he turned the head of the pony round, the better to enjoy the -luxury. Pocketing his snuff-box, he started the pony without again -turning it in the proper direction, and did not discover his error until -he found himself in Union Street, Aberdeen, at the very time he ought to -have entered the pulpit seven miles off. - -On another occasion he was invited to dinner at the house of a friend, -and was shown into a bedroom to wash his hands. - -After a long delay, as he did not appear, his friend went to the room, -and, behold! there lay the professor snugly in bed, and fast asleep! - - -=Prof. Aytoun's Courtship= - -After Prof. Aytoun had made proposals of marriage to Miss Emily Jane -Wilson, daughter of "Christopher North," he was, as a matter of course, -referred to her father. As Aytoun was uncommonly diffident, he said to -her, "Emily, my dear, you must speak to him for me. I could not summon -courage to speak to the professor on this subject." - -"Papa is in the library," said the lady. - -"Then you had better go to him," said the suitor, "and I'll wait here -for you." - -There being apparently no help for it, the lady proceeded to the -library, and taking her father affectionately by the hand, mentioned -that Aytoun had asked her in marriage. She added, "Shall I accept this -offer, papa; he is so shy and diffident, that he cannot speak to you -himself." - -"Then we must deal tenderly with him," said the hearty old man. "I'll -write my reply on a slip of paper, and pin it on your back." - -"Papa's answer is on the back of my dress," said Miss Wilson, as she -re-entered the drawing-room. - -Turning round, the delighted swain read these words: "With the author's -compliments." - - -=A Sad Drinking Bout= - -The following story of an occurrence at one of the drinking bouts in -Scotland, at which the Laird of Garscadden took his last draught, has -often been told, but it will bear repetition. The scene occurred in the -wee clachan of Law, where a considerable number of Kilpatrick lairds had -congregated for the ostensible purpose of talking over some parish -business. And well they talked and better drank, when one of them, about -the dawn of the morning, fixing his eye on Garscadden, remarked that he -was "looking unco' gash." - -Upon which the Laird of Kilmardinny coolly replied, "Deil mean him, -since he has been wi' his Maker these twa hours! I saw him step awa', -but I dinna like to disturb guid company!" - -The following epitaph on this celebrated Bacchanalian plainly indicates -that he was held in no great estimation among his neighbors: - - "Beneath this stane lies auld Garscad, - Wha lived a neighbor very bad; - Now, how he finds and how he fares, - The deil ane kens, and deil ane cares." - - -=Not Surprised= - -Benjamin Greig, one of the last specimens of tie-wig and powder gentry, -and a rich old curmudgeon to boot, one day entered the shop of Mr. -Walker--better known, however, by the nickname of "Sugar Jock"--and -accosting him, said, "Are you no' muckle astonished to hear that Mr. -L---- has left L20,000?" - -"Weel, Mr. Greig," replied "Sugar," "I wad hae been mair astonished to -hear that he had ta'en it wi' him." - -Greig gave a grunt and left the shop. - - -=The Best Crap= - -A baby was out with its nurse, who walked it up and down a garden. - -"Is't a laddie or a lassie, Jess?" asked the gardener. - -"A laddie," said the maid. - -"Weel," said he, "I'm glad o' that; there's ower mony lasses in the -world already." - -"Hech, man," said Jess, "div ye no ken there's aye maist sawn o' the -best crap?" - - -=A Marriage "Not Made in Heaven"= - -Watty Marshall was a simple, useless, good-for-nothing body, who somehow -or other got married to a terrible shrew of a wife. Finding out that she -had made a bad bargain, she resolved to have the best of it, and -accordingly abused and thrashed her luckless spouse to such an extent -that he, in despair, went to the minister to get unmarried. - -The parson told him that he could do him no such service as marriages -were made in heaven. - -"Made in heaven, sir," cried Watty; "it's a lee! I was marriet i' your -ain kitchen, wi' your twa servant hizzies looking on! I doubt ye hae -made an awfu' mistake wi' my marriage, sir, for the muckle fire that was -bleezing at the time made it look far mair like the other place! What a -life I'll hae to lead, baith in this world and the next, for that -blunder o' yours, minister!" - - -="Another Opportunity"= - -An old gentleman named Scott was engaged in the "affair of the '15" (the -Rebellion of 1715) and with some difficulty was saved from the gallows -by the intercession by the Duchess of Buccleuch and Monmouth. Her grace, -who maintained considerable authority over her clan, sent for the object -of her intercession and, warning him of the risk which he had run and -the trouble she had taken on his account, wound up her lecture by -intimating that, in case of such disloyalty again, he was not to expect -her interest in his favor. - -"An' it please your grace," said the stout old Tory, "I fear I am too -old to see another opportunity." - - -=A Night in a Coal-cellar= - -One night, sitting later than usual, sunk in the profundities of a great -folio tome, the Rev. Dr. Wightman of Kirkmahol imagined he heard a sound -in the kitchen inconsistent with the quietude and security of a manse, -and so taking his candle he proceeded to investigate the cause. His foot -being heard in the lobby, the housekeeper began with all earnestness to -cover the fire, as if preparing for bed. - -"Ye're late up to-night, Mary." - -"I'm jist rakin' the fire, sir, and gaun to bed." - -"That's right, Mary; I like timeous hours." - -On his way back to the study he passed the coal-closet, and, turning the -key, took it with him. Next morning, at an early hour, there was a rap -at his bedroom door, and a request for the key to put a fire on. - -"Ye're too soon up, Mary; go back to your bed yet." - -Half an hour later there was another knock, and a similar request in -order to prepare the breakfast. - -"I don't want breakfast so soon, Mary; go back to your bed." - -Another half an hour and another knock with an entreaty for the key, as -it was washing day. This was enough. He rose and handed out the key -saying, "go and let the man out." - -Mary's sweetheart had been imprisoned all night in the coal-closet, as -the minister shrewdly suspected, and, Pyramis-and-Thisbe-like, they had -breathed their love to each other through the key-hole. [25] - - -=Not Quite an Ass= - -James Boswell, the biographer of Dr. Johnson, was distinguished in his -private life by his humor and power of repartee. He has been described -as a man in whose face it was impossible at any time to look without -being inclined to laugh. The following is one of his good things: As he -was pleading one day at the Scotch bar before his father, Lord -Auchinleck, who was at that time what is called Ordinary on the Bills -(judge of cases in the first stage), the testy old senator, offended at -something his son said, peevishly exclaimed: "Jamie, ye're an ass, man." - -"Not exactly, my lord," answered the junior; "only a colt, the foal of -an ass." - - -=A Cute Gaoler= - -Before the adoption of the police act in Airdrie, a worthy named Geordie -G---- had the surveillance of the town. A drunken, noisy Irishman was -lodged in a cell, who caused an "awful row" by kicking at the cell-door -with his heavy boots. Geordie went to the cell, and opening the door a -little, said: - -"Man, ye micht put aff yer buits, and I'll gie them a bit rub, so that -ye'll be respectable like afore the bailie in the mornin'." - -The prisoner complied with his request, and saw his mistake only when -the door was closed upon him, Geordie crying out: - -"Ye can kick as lang as ye like, noo." - - -=Not Qualified to Baptize= - -The only amusement in which Ralph Erskine, the father of the Scottish -Secession, indulged, was playing the violin. He was so great a -proficient on this instrument, and so often beguiled his leisure hours -with it, that the people of Dumfermline believed he composed his sermons -to its tones, as a poet writes a song to a particular air. They also -tell the following anecdote connected with the subject: - -A poor man in one of the neighboring parishes, having a child to -baptize, resolved not to employ his own clergyman, with whom he was at -issue on certain points of doctrine, but to have the office performed by -some minister of whose tenets fame gave a better report. - -With the child in his arms, therefore, and attended by the full -complement of old and young women who usually minister on such -occasions, he proceeded to the manse of ----, some miles off (not that -of Mr. Erskine), where he inquired if the clergyman was at home. - -"Na; he's no' at hame yeenoo," answered the servant lass; "he's down the -burn fishing; but I can soon cry him in." - -"Ye needna gie yoursel' the trouble," replied the man, quite shocked at -this account of the minister's habits; "nane o' your fishin' ministers -shall bapteeze my bairn." - -Off he then trudged, followed by his whole train, to the residence of -another parochial clergyman, at the distance of some miles. Here, on -inquiring if the minister was at home, the lass answered: - -"'Deed he's no' at home the day, he's been out since sax i' the morning -at the shooting. Ye needna wait, neither; for he'll be sae made out when -he comes back, that he'll no' be able to say bo to a calf, let-a-be -kirsen a wean!" - -"Wait, lassie!" cried the man in a tone of indignant scorn; "wad I wait, -d'ye think, to haud up my bairn before a minister that gangs oot at six -i' the morning to shoot God's creatures? I'll awa down to gude Mr. -Erskine at Dumfermline; and he'll be neither out at the fishing nor -shooting, I think." - -The whole baptismal train then set off for Dumfermline, sure that the -Father of the Secession, although not now a placed minister, would at -least be engaged in no unclerical sports, to incapacitate him for -performing the sacred ordinance in question. - -On their arriving, however, at the house of the clergyman, which they -did not do until late in the evening, the man, on rapping at the door, -anticipated that he would not be at home any more than his brethren, as -he heard the strains of a fiddle proceeding from the upper chamber. "The -minister will not be at home," he said, with a sly smile to the girl who -came to the door, "or your lad wadna be playing that gait t'ye on the -fiddle." - -"The minister _is_ at hame," quoth the girl; "mair by token, it's -himsel' that's playing, honest man; he aye takes a tune at night, before -he gangs to bed. Faith, there's nae lad o' mine can play that gait; it -wad be something to tell if ony o' them could." - -"_That_ the minister playing!" cried the man in a degree of astonishment -and horror far transcending what he had expressed on either of the -former occasions. "If _he_ does this, what may the rest no' do? Weel, I -fairly gie them up a'thegither. I have traveled this haill day in search -o' a godly minister, and never man met wi' mair disappointment in a -day's journey." "I'll tell ye what, gudewife," he added, turning to the -disconsolate party behind, "we'll just awa' back to our ain minister -after a'. He's no' a'thegither sound, it's true; but let him be what he -likes in doctrine, deil hae me if ever I kenk him fish, shoot, or play -on the fiddle a' his days!" - - -=One Scotchman Outwitted by Another= - -Some years since, before the sale of game was legalized, and a present -of it was thought worth the expense of carriage, an Englishman who had -rented a moor within twenty miles of Aberdeen, wishing to send a ten -brace box of grouse to his friends in the south, directed his gilly to -procure a person to take the box to the capital of the north, from -whence the London steamer sailed. Not one, however, of the miserably -poor tenants in the neighborhood could be found who would take the box -for a less sum than eight shillings. This demand was thought so -unreasonable, that the Englishman complained to a Scotch friend who was -shooting along with him. - -The Scotchman replied that "the natives always make a point of imposing -as much as possible upon strangers; but," he said "if you will leave it -to me, I will manage it for you; for with all their knavery, they are -the simplest people under the sun." - -A few days afterwards, going out shooting, they saw a man loading his -cart with peats, when the Scotchman, approaching him, said, after the -usual salutation--"What are you going to do with the peats?" - -"I'm going to Aberdeen to sell them," was the reply. - -"What do you get for them?" - -"One shilling and eightpence, sir." - -"Indeed! Well, I will buy them, if you will be sure to deliver them for -me at Aberdeen." - -"That I will, and thank you, too, sir." - -All agreed, the Scotchman resumed his walk for about twenty yards, when -he suddenly turned round and said: "By-the-by, I have a small box I want -taken to the same place. You can place it on the top of the peats?" - -"That I will, and welcome, sir." - -"Well, if you will call at the lodge in the evening, I will give you the -direction for the peats, and you can have the box at the same time." - -He did so, and actually carried the box, and gave a load of peats for -one shilling and eightpence, although neither the same man nor any of -his neighbors would forward the box _alone_ for less than eight -shillings. - - -=Quaint Old Edinburgh Ministers= - -There was wee Scotty, o' the Coogate Kirk; and a famous preacher he was -at the height o' his popularity. But he was sadly bathered wi' his -flock, for they kept him aye in het water. - -Ae day he was preaching on Job. "My brethren," says he, "Job, in the -first place, was a sairly-tried man; Job, in the second place, was an -uncommonly patient man; Job, in the third place, never preached in the -Coogate; fourthly and lastly, had Job preached _there_, the Lord help -his patience." - - * * * * * - -At anither time, before the service began, when there was a great noise -o' folk gaun into their seats, he got up in the pu'pit an' cried -out--"Oh, that I could hear the pence rattle in the plate at the door -wi' half the noise ye mak' wi' yer cheepin' shoon! Oh, that Paul had -been here wi' a long wudden ladle! for yer coppers are strangers in a -far country, an' as for yer silver an' gold--let us pray!" - - * * * * * - -An' there was Deddy Weston, wha began ane o' his Sunday morning services -in this manner: "My brethren, I'll divide my discourse the day into -three heads: _Firstly_, I'll tell ye something that I ken, an' you dinna -ken. _Secondly_, I'll tell ye something that you ken, an' I dinna ken. -_Thirdly_, I'll tell ye something that neither you nor me ken. -_Firstly_, Coming ower a stile this mornin', my breeks got an unco' -skreed. That's something that I ken, an' you dinna ken. _Secondly_, What -you're gaun to gie Charlie Waddie, the tailor, for mendin' my breeks, is -what you ken, an' I dinna ken. _Thirdly_, What Charlie Waddie's to tak' -for mendin' my breeks, is what neither you nor me ken. _Finally and -lastly_, Hand round the ladle." - - * * * * * - -An' there was Doctor Dabster, that could pit a bottle or twa under his -belt, an' was neither up nor down. But an unco' bitter body was he when -there was a sma' collection. Before the service began, the beadle -generally handed him a slip of paper stating the amount collected. Ae -day a' the siller gathered was only twa' shillin's an' ninepence; an' he -could never get this out o' his head through the whole of his sermon. - -He was aye spunkin oot noo an' then. "It's the land o' Canawn ye're -thrang strivin' after," says he; "The land o' Canawn, eh?--twa an' -ninepence! yes, ye're sure to gang there! I think I see ye! Nae doot -ye'll think yersel's on the richt road for't. Ask yer consciences, an' -see what they'll say. Ask them, an' see what they'll say. Ask them, an' -what _will_ they say? I'll tell ye: 'Twa miserable shillin's an' -ninepence is puir passage-money for sic a lang journey!' What? -Twa-an'-ninepence! As weel micht a coo gang up a tree tail foremost, an' -whistle like a superannuated mavis, as get to Canawn for that!" [26] - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[1] Said by Burns, at the request of the Earl of Selkirk. - - - - -Glossary - - -=Aa. I.= - -_Aboon._ Above. - -_Ae._ One. - -_Aff._ Off. - -_Afit._ Afoot. - -_Aiblins._ Perhaps, possibly. - -_Ain._ Own. - -_Ane._ One. - -_A'thegither._ Altogether. - -_Auchteenpence._ Eighteenpence. - -_Aught._ Eight. - -_Auld._ Old. - -_Ava._ At all. - -_Awn._ Own. - -_Aye._ Always. - - -=Babble-ment. Confusion.= - -_Bairns._ Children. - -_Baith._ Both. - -_Bane._ Bone. - -_Bauld._ Bold. - -_Bawbee._ A half-penny. - -_Begond._ Began. - -_Belyve._ Immediately, quickly. - -_Ben._ Towards; towards the inner; the inner room of a house. - -_Blate, blait._ Bashful. - -_Blinkit._ Flashed, glanced. - -_Birkies._ Lively young fellows. - -_Blude._ Blood. - -_Bobshanks._ Knees. - -_Braes._ The sides of hills. - -_Braik._ Break. - -_Braw._ Fine, gay, worthy, handsome. - -_Bree._ Soup, sauce, juice. - -_Brig._ Bridge. - -_Brocht._ Brought. - -_Brose._ A kind of pottage made by pouring hot water on oatmeal, and -stirring while the water is poured. - -_Bucky._ Hind quarters (of a hare). - -_Buits._ Boots. - -_Buss._ Kiss. - - -=Canny. Cautious, Prudent.= - -_Cantrip._ Charm, spell, trick. - -_Carle, carl._ A man, as distinguished from a boy. - -_Carline._ An old woman. - -_Cauld._ Cold. - -_Caup._ Cup, wooden bowl. - -_Chapping._ Striking. - -_Chau'ders._ Denoting large quantities. - -_Cheekit._ Entrapped. - -_Chiel._ A stripling, a fellow, a servant. - -_Chwat._ What. - -_Clachan._ Clan. - -_Claes._ Clothes. - -_Clan._ Tribe. - -_Con'le-licht._ Candle-light. - -_Coo._ Cow. - -_Cuddy._ Donkey. - -_Crackit._ Cracked. - -_Crand._ Grand. - -_Craw._ Crow. - -_Crouse._ Boldly, lively, brisk. - -_Custrin._ Silly. - -_Cutties._ Short spoons. - - -=Dae. Do.= - -_Daft._ Foolish, gay, giddy, wanton. - -_Daunder._ To wander. - -_Deavin'._ Deafening. - -_Dee._ Die. - -_Deil._ Devil. - -_Ding._ To beat. - - -_Dinna._ Do not. - -_Dittha._ Do they. - -_Dochter._ Daughter. - -_Douce._ Sedate, sober. - -_Doit._ Numskull. - -_Doup._ The breech, the bottom or extremity of anything. - -_Dour._ Bold, inflexible, obstinate, stern. - -_Drap._ A drop; to drop. - -_Drookit._ Soaked. - -_Droon't._ Drowned. - -_Dub-shouper._ Gutter-cleaner. - -_Durdham._ Squabble. - - -=E'e. Eye.= - -_E'en._ Eyes; even. - -_Eer._ Air. - -_Eneuch._ Enough. - -_E'enow._ Even now. - -_Extrornar._ Extraordinary. - - -=Faa'. Fall.= - -_Fack._ Fact - -_Far eist?_ Where is it? - -_Far was't?_ Where was it? - -_Fash._ Trouble. - -_Fat?_ What? - -_Faud._ Found. - -_Faut._ Fault. - -_Fecht._ Fight. - -_Feck._ A term denoting space, quantity, number; _the feck o' them_ -means "the most part of them." - -_Feckled._ Made weak. - -_Feine._ Fine. - -_Ferry._ Very. - -_Fifish._ Somewhat deranged. - -_Fleg, fley._ To frighten. - -_Flit, flyt._ To change, to remove, to transport. Commonly used of -changing one's residence. - -_Fluir._ Floor. - -_Flyte, Flytings._ To scold, scolding. - -_Fog._ Moss. - -_Forebears._ Ancestors. - -_Forrit._ Forward. - -_Fortnicht._ Fortnight. - -_Foo'._ A fool, through being drunk. - -_Fou, fu'._ Drunk, full. - -_Fouk._ Folk. - -_Freens._ Friends, relatives. - -_Fremit._ Strange. - -_Fules._ Fools. - -_Fund._ Found. - - -=Gaed. Went.= - -_Gait._ Way. - -_Gang._ Go. - -_Gars._ Causes, makes. - -_Gash._ Ghastly. - -_Gav'd._ Made, induced. - -_Gey, gay._ Moderately. - -_Gied._ Gave. - -_Gin._ If. - -_Glint._ Sight, glimpse. - -_Gowd, goud._ Gold. - -_Gowk, golk._ Cuckoo, fool. - -_Greetin', greitin._ Crying, the act of. - -_Grit._ Great. - -_Grond._ Grand. - -_Grup._ Grip. - -_Gude, guid._ Good. - -_Gully._ A large knife. - - -=Hae. Have.= - -_Haggis._ A pudding, made in a sheep's stomach, with oatmeal, suet, the -heart, liver and lungs of the sheep, minced down and seasoned with salt, -pepper, and onions, and boiled for use. - -_Haist._ Haste. - -_Hale._ Whole. - -_Haudin'._ Holding, keeping. - -_Haveril._ One who talks habitually in a foolish manner. - -_Heck, hech, high._ To pant, to breathe hard; an exclamation which -expresses a condition of breathlessness. - -_Heid._ Head. - -_Hemmel._ A cow without horns. - -_Het._ Hot. - -_Hielans._ Highlands. - -_Hirple._ To move in a halting manner, as if crippled or momentarily -injured, as by a blow. - -_Hoo._ How. - -_Hunner._ Hundred. - -_Hurdham._ Squabble. - -_Hustrin._ Lascivious. - - -=Ilka, ilk. Every, each.= - -_Intil, intill._ In, into. - -_Intil't._ Into it. - - -=Jalouse. Expect, guess.= - -_Jaud._ Jade. - - -=Keeking, keiking. Looking= with a prying eye, peeping. - -_Kame, kaim._ To comb, comb, honeycomb. - -_Ken._ To know; to be acquainted; to understand. - -_Kintra._ Country. - -_Kirk._ Church. - -_Kirsen._ To christen. - - -=Laird. A man of superior= rank; the owner of a property. - -_Lang._ Long, to long or yearn. - -_Langsyne._ Long since. - -_Lawin'._ A tavern bill. - -_Leear._ Liar. - -_Lees._ Lies. - -_Leeve._ Live. - -_Leeving._ Living. - -_Lippened._ Trusted, depended. - -_Li-thall._ Lethal, deadly, mortal. - -_Loon._ Clown, fool. - -_Lugs._ Ears. - -_Lum, lumb._ Chimney. - -_Louring drouth._ Thirst. - - -=Mair. More.= - -_Mairret._ Married. - -_Maun._ Must. - -_Meikle._ See "Muckle." - -_Micht._ Might. - -_Misca'._ Miscall. - -_Modiwarts, modywarts, moudicworts._ Moles. - -_Mon._ See "Maun." - -_Muckle._ Much, great. - -_Mune._ Moon. - - -=Nit. Nut.= - -_Noo._ Now. - - -=Ocht. Ought.= - -_Oot._ Out. - - -=Parritch. Porridge.= - -_Pawkily, paukily._ Slily, artfully. - -_Pawpish._ Popish. - -_Poother._ Powder. - -_Pow._ The head; a slow rivulet--one moving on lands nearly flat. - -_Provost._ The mayor of a burgh or township. - -_Puir._ Poor. - - -=Rale. Real.= - -_Reekit._ Smoked. - -_Reestit._ Smoke-dried. - -_Richt._ Right. - -_Rippet._ A difference of opinion such as to estrange; a quarrel. - - -=Sair. Sore.= - -_Scart._ To scratch; to scrape money together; to scrape a dish with a -spoon. - -_Sclate, sclait._ Slate. - -_Scoonril._ Scoundrel. - -_Sheltie._ A Shetland pony. - -_Shoost._ Just. - -_Sic._ Such. - -_Sicht._ Sight. - -_Siller._ Silver. - -_Sink._ Think. - -_Skalin'._ Dispersing, retiring, spilling. - -_Skelpin'._ Clapping, applause. - -_Skirl._ To cry shrilly, shriek. - -_Sleekit._ Smooth, shining, oily. - -_Sma'._ Small. - -_Smiddy._ A smith's shop, smithy. - -_Sneeshin'._ Sneezing. - -_Sooming._ Swimming. - -_Sorners_ Spongers, loiterers. - -_Southrons._ Those who live in the south. - -_Spier, speir._ To ask. - -_Spigot._ Peg, vent-peg. - -_Spune._ Spoon. - -_Stane._ Stone. - -_Strae._ Straw. - -_Strathspeys._ A dance tune for two. - -_Steekit._ Soon. - -_Suppone._ Suppose. - -_Syne._ Since. - - -=Tacket. A nail of a shoe.= - -_Tae._ The toe. - -_Taes._ Toes. - -_Taigle._ Confound. - -_Tauld._ Told. - -_Thae._ Those (just referred to). - -_Thocht, thoucht._ Thought. - -_Thrang._ Busy, pressed, crowded, thronged. - -_Tift._ Coolness, estrangement. - -_Tint._ Lost. - -_Toom._ Empty. - -_Trow._ To believe. - -_Twa._ Two. - - -=Unco'. Unknown, very, extra.= - - -=Wad. Would.= - -_Wadna._ Would not. - -_Wanse._ Once. - -_Ware._ Trouble, fuss. - -_Wast._ West. - -_Wean (wee-ane)._ A child, little one. - -_Wee._ Small, little, a short time. - -_Weed._ Wild. - -_Wersh._ Insipid to the taste. - -_Wha._ Who. - -_Whaur._ Where. - -_Wheen._ A number, quantity, division. - -_Whets._ What is, that which is. - -_Whilk._ Which. - -_Worilt._ World. - -_Wot._ To know. - -_Wowf._ Half-mad. - -_Wud._ Would. - -_Wull._ Will. - -_Wunnering._ Wondering. - - -=Yestreen. Last night.= - -_Yirth._ Earth. - - - - -Out of School Series - - -It is the intention of the publishers to include in this series only the -best copyright stories for boys and girls by well-known popular authors. -This idea has been kept in mind in making the selections, and we can -heartily recommend any or all of the stories. - - -=A Roman Maiden= - - =By Emma Marshall, author of "Fanny and Her Friends," "Master - Martin," etc., etc. 12mo. Cloth. Illustrated. $1.00.= - -A quaint story of the fourth century which maids of the twentieth -century will thoroughly enjoy. Hyacintha is the daughter of one of the -most noble houses of Rome, and as such she is permitted to enter the -Temple of Vesta as a Vestal Virgin; the greatest honor possible to a -daughter of Rome. The charm and simplicity of life in the Temple of -Vesta are beautifully described, and a tender little love story gives to -the book the needed touch of romance. - - -=The Worst Boy in Town= - - =By John Habberton, author of "Helen's Babies," "Phil Fuzzytop," - etc., etc. Illustrated. 12mo. Cloth. $1.00.= - -What Tom Hughes did for the Rugby boy, Habberton has in this volume done -for the American village lad. The book is manly and valuable.--_New York -Herald._ - -The "worst boy" is simply a lad whose exuberant spirits are eternally -leading him into pranks. * * * A pleasant volume for the Boys' -Library.--_Detroit Free Press._ - - -=A Little Turning Aside= - - =By Barbara Yechton, author of "We Ten," "Derrick," etc. - Illustrated. 12mo. Cloth. $1.00.= - -[Illustration: book front cover] - -The book is as dainty and charming as any published in years. The cover -design and illustrations are in keeping with the story itself.--_Troy -Daily Times._ - -We recommend the book with pleasure.--_Boston Courier._ - -It is an excellent book for girls, old and young, and should find a -place in every home.--_Lutheran Observer._ - -A bright and wholesome story.--_The Advance._ - - -=The Little Ladies of Ellenwood= - - =And Their Hidden Treasure. By Sarah G. Connell. Illustrated. 12mo. - Cloth. $1.00.= - -A delightful story for young people. It has a freshness, interest and -purity solely its own.--_St. Paul Dispatch._ - -A story with a moral, and a good one at that. Well and entertainingly -told and the characters are ably portrayed.--_Burlington Hawkeye._ - -Sarah G. Connell has written a story in which all the children will -delight. It tells of a family of six children who had been reared in -luxury by their loving father, and how, when bankruptcy darkened their -doors, they all took hold to make life in their altered circumstances -still happy and all the more worth living. The story is well told, and -there is enough fun scattered through its pages to make the reading -joyously interesting. It is a book which every child will -enjoy.--_Boston Times._ - -A fresh story which will hold the attention of young folk, especially -girls.--_Living Church._ - - - - - * * * * * - - - - -Transcriber's note: - -For some unexplained reason, a few anecdotes appear twice. - -Some possible typographical errors have not been altered, as they -might reflect acceptable spelling at the time the book was written. - -Numerous punctuation marks have been inserted or amended. - -Hyphenation: the following variants appear in this text: - - "bell-man" and "bellman", "church-yard" and "churchyard", - "game-keeper" and "gamekeeper", "great-grandfather" and - "greatgrandfather", "help-mate" and "helpmate", - "Highland-man" and "Highlandman", "hill-side" and - "hillside", "nick-name" and "nickname". - -On p. 17, the reference number [38] is almost certainly wrong, but it is -impossible to determine what the correct number should be. - -On p. 102, "droughty" should possibly be "drouthy" but has not been -amended. - -Incorrect page numbers in the Table of Contents have been silently -corrected. Similarly, titles of anecdotes have been silently corrected -to match the entries in the Table of Contents. - -The following typographical amendments have been made: - -p. 8 "mannderings" amended to "maunderings"; - -p. 9 "Peter Peeble's" amended to "Peter Peebles'"; - -p. 15 "denouement" amended to "denouement"; - -p. 17 "lear" amended to "leear"; - -p. 18 "Reminiscenses" amended to "Reminiscences"; - -p. 44 "hapdened" amended to "happened"; - -p. 46 "causus belli" amended to "casus belli"; - -p. 55 "or" amended to "of"; - -p. 59 "Au old minister" amended to "An old minister"; - -p. 60 "pny" amended to "pony", and "It'so" amended to "It's"; - -p. 79 "vilage" amended to "village"; - -p. 91 "gav'd" amended to "gar'd"; - -p. 96 "Ses's" amended to "She's"; - -p. 97 "inqured" amended to "inquired"; - -p. 104 "brawled out" amended to "bawled out" - -p. 119 "majesly" mended to "majesty"; - -p. 120 "peremtorily" amended to "peremptorily"; - -p. 126 "in in" amended to "in"; - -p. 127 "vengence" amended to "vengeance"; - -p. 141 "I have faud ye a bed" amended to "I have fand ye a bed" - -p. 157 "esconced" amended to "ensconced"; - -p. 161 "Entrace" amended to "Entrance"; - -p. 168 "folowing" amended to "following"; - -p. 170 "to eager" amended to "too eager"; - -p. 171 "Sandly" amended to "Sandy"; - -p. 178 "pennny" amended to "penny"; - -p. 180 "to he very dignified" amended to "to be very dignified"; - -p. 182 "Kirkaldy" amended to "Kirkcaldy"; - -p. 183 "thea sermons" amended to "thae sermons", and "Spreyside" amended -to "Speyside"; - -p. 207 "Ursa" amended to "Ursa"; - -p. 214 "_That_" amended to "_That's_". - - - -***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SCOTCH WIT AND HUMOR*** - - -******* This file should be named 41732.txt or 41732.zip ******* - - -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: -http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/4/1/7/3/41732 - - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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