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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41732 ***
+
+Note: Images of the original pages are available through
+ Internet Archive. See
+ http://archive.org/details/scotchwithumorcl00howe
+
+
+Transcriber's note:
+
+ Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_).
+
+ Text enclosed by equal signs is in bold face (=bold=).
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: portrait]
+
+
+SCOTCH WIT AND HUMOR
+
+Classified Under Appropriate Subject
+Headings, with, in Many Cases, a
+Reference to a Table of Authors
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+Philadelphia
+George W. Jacobs & Co.
+103-105 S. Fifteenth Street
+
+Copyright, 1898, by
+George W. Jacobs & Co.
+
+
+
+
+Preface
+
+
+_Scotch Wit and Humor_ is a fairly representative collection of the type
+of wit and humor which is at home north of the Tweed--and almost
+everywhere else--for are not Scotchmen to be found everywhere? To say
+that wit and humor is not a native of Scotch human nature is to share
+the responsibility for an inaccuracy the author of which must have been
+as unobservant as those who repeat it. It is quite true that the humor
+is not always or generally on the surface--what treasure is?--and it may
+be true, too, that the thrifty habits of our northern friends, combined
+with the earnestness produced by their religious history, have brought
+to the surface the seriousness--amounting sometimes almost to
+heaviness--which is their most apparent characteristic. But under the
+surface will be found a rich vein of generosity, and a fund of humor,
+which soon cure a stranger--if he has eyes to see and is capable of
+appreciation--of the common error of supposing that Scotchmen are either
+stingy or stupid.
+
+True, there may be the absence of the brilliancy which characterizes
+much of the English wit and humor, and of the inexpressible quality
+which is contained in Hibernian fun; but for point of neatness one may
+look far before discovering anything to surpass the shrewdness and
+playfulness to be found in the Scotch race. In fact, if Scotland had no
+wit and humor she would have been incapable of furnishing a man who
+employed such methods in construction as were introduced by the engineer
+of the Forth Bridge.
+
+ W. H. HOWE.
+
+
+
+
+Contents
+
+
+ Page
+
+A Badly Arranged Prayer 108
+
+A Beadle Magnifying his Office 26
+
+A Board-School Examiner Floored 143
+
+A Bookseller's Knowledge of Books 181
+
+"A Call to a Wider Sphere" 99
+
+A Canny Witness 112
+
+A Case in which Comparisons were Odious 76
+
+A Castle Stor(e)y 119
+
+A Churl Congratulated 165
+
+A Clever "Turn" 161
+
+A Comfortable Preacher 111
+
+A Compensation Balance 180
+
+A Compliment by Return 68
+
+A Conditional Promise 87
+
+A Consistent Seceder 159
+
+A Consoling "If" 43
+
+A Critic on His Own Criticism 124
+
+"A Cross-examiner Answered" 13
+
+A Crushing Argument against MS Sermons 176
+
+A Curiously Unfortunate Coincidence in Psalm Singing 164
+
+A Cute Gaoler 212
+
+A Cute Way of Getting an Old Account 88
+
+A Definition of Baptism 129
+
+A Definition of "Fou" 59
+
+A Descendant of the Stuarts 105
+
+A Descriptive Hymn 195
+
+A Different Thing Entirely 67
+
+A Discerning Fool 199
+
+A Drunkard's Thoughts 125
+
+A Dry Preacher 120
+
+A False Deal 125
+
+A Family Likeness 30
+
+A Fruitful Field 176
+
+A Good Judge of Accent 38
+
+A Grammatical Beggar 120
+
+A "Grand" Piano 147
+
+A "Grave" Hint 173
+
+A Harmless Joke 106
+
+A Highland Chief and His Doctor 170
+
+A Highland Servant Girl and the Kitchen Bell 97
+
+A Highland Outburst of Gratitude and an Inburst of Hurricane 66
+
+A Highlander on Bagpipes 56
+
+A Keen Reproof 134
+
+A "Kippered" Divine 105
+
+A Law of Nature 199
+
+A Leader's Description of His Followers 190
+
+A Lecture on Baldness--Curious Results 46
+
+A Lesson in Manners 202
+
+A Lesson to the Marquis of Lorne 15
+
+A Lofty "Style" 126
+
+A Lunatic's Advice to Money-Lenders 129
+
+A Magnanimous Cobbler 202
+
+A Marriage not made in Heaven 210
+
+A Matter-of-fact Death Scene 172
+
+A Minor Major 88
+
+A Misdeal 103
+
+A Miserly Professor 46
+
+A Modern Dumb Devil (D.D.) 164
+
+A Mother's Confidence in Her Son 113
+
+A Nest-egg Noo 14
+
+A New and Original Scene in "Othello" 178
+
+A New Application of "The Argument from Design" 174
+
+A New Explanation of an Extra Charge 94
+
+A New Story Book--at the Time 150
+
+A Night in a Coal Cellar 211
+
+A Paradox 200
+
+A Patient Lady 140
+
+A Piper's Opinion of a Lord--and Himself 163
+
+A Poacher's Prayer 205
+
+A Poem for the Future 108
+
+A Poetical Question and Answer 121
+
+A Poor Place for a Cadger 149
+
+A Powerful Preacher 79
+
+A Practical View of Matrimony 207
+
+A Preacher with His Back Towards Heaven 175
+
+A Process of Exhaustion 167
+
+A Ready Student 73
+
+"A Reduction on a Series" 151
+
+A Reproof Cleverly Diverted 32
+
+A Restful Preacher 139
+
+A Sad Drinking Bout 209
+
+A Sad Loss 201
+
+A Satisfactory Explanation 119
+
+A Saving Clause 156
+
+A Scathing Scottish Preacher in Finsbury Park 155
+
+A Scotch Curtain Lecture on Profit and Pain 59
+
+A Scotch Fair Proclamation of Olden Days 153
+
+A Scotch Matrimonial Jubilee 125
+
+A Scotch "Native" 98
+
+A Scotch "Squire" 33
+
+A Scotch "Supply" 109
+
+A Scotch Version of the Lives of Esau and Jacob 62
+
+A Scotch View of Shakespeare 58
+
+A Sensible Lass 200
+
+A Sensible Servant 202
+
+A Serious Dog--and for a Serious Reason 161
+
+A Sexton's Criticism 183
+
+A Shrewd Reply 83
+
+"A Sign of Grace," 103
+
+A Spiritual Barometer 174
+
+A Stranger in the Court of Session 198
+
+A Successful Tradesman 61
+
+A Sympathetic Hearer 87
+
+A Teetotal Preacher Asks for "A Glass"--and Gets It 107
+
+A Test of Literary Appreciation 207
+
+A Thoughtless Wish 167
+
+A Thrifty Proposal 123
+
+A Typical Quarrel 71
+
+A Variety Entertainment 194
+
+A Vigorous Translation 195
+
+A Whole-witted Sermon from a Half-witted Preacher 135
+
+A Widow's Promise 117
+
+A Wife's Protection 100
+
+A "Wigging" 204
+
+Absence of Humor--Illustrated 146
+
+Absent in Mind, and Body too 208
+
+Acts of Parliament "Exhausted" 173
+
+Advice on Nursing 124
+
+Advice to an M.P. 68
+
+"After you, Leddies" 207
+
+"'Alice' Brown, the Jaud" 56
+
+An Affectionate Aunt 199
+
+An Angry Preacher 111
+
+An Author and His Printer 134
+
+An Earl's Pride and Parsimony 127
+
+An Economical Preacher's Bad Memory 92
+
+An Epitaph to Order 194
+
+An "Exceptional Prayer" 118
+
+An Extra Shilling to Avoid a Calamity 206
+
+An Idiot's Views of Insanity 113
+
+An Instance of Scott's Pleasantry 36
+
+An Observant Husband 29
+
+An Open Question 102
+
+An Out-of-the-way Reproof 119
+
+"Another Opportunity" 211
+
+Appearing "in Three Pieces" 73
+
+"As Guid Deid as Leevin" 58
+
+At the End of His Tether 123
+
+
+Bad Arithmeticians Often Good Bookkeeper 131
+
+"Before the Provost" 195
+
+Beginning Life where he ought to have Ended, and Vice Versa 86
+
+Better than a Countess 114
+
+"Bock Again!"--A Prompt Answer 104
+
+Bolder than Charles the Bold 137
+
+Born Too Late 175
+
+Both Short 193
+
+Broader Than He Was Long 205
+
+"Brothers" in Law 29
+
+"Bulls" in Scotland 29
+
+
+Canny Dogs 68
+
+Capital Punishment 35
+
+"Capital Punishment"--Modified 90
+
+Caring for Their Minister 19
+
+Catechising 201
+
+Church Economy 60
+
+Church Popularity 197
+
+Choosing a Minister 77
+
+Compensation 84
+
+Compulsory Education and a Father's Remedy 34
+
+Concentrated Caution 173
+
+"Consecrated" Ground 75
+
+Consoled by a Relative's Lameness 41
+
+Curious Delusion Concerning Light 41
+
+Curious Idea of the Evidence for Truth 37
+
+Curious Misunderstanding 131
+
+Curious Pulpit Notice 141
+
+Curious Sentence 42, 68
+
+Curious Use of a Word 91
+
+
+Dead Shot 34
+
+Deathbed Humor 172
+
+Definition of Metaphysics 131
+
+Degrees of Capacity 95
+
+Denominational Graves 196
+
+Depression--Delight--Despair 126
+
+"Discretion--the Better Part of Valor" 51
+
+Disqualified to be a Country Preacher 122
+
+Distributing His Praises with Discernment 22
+
+Disturbed Devotions 110
+
+Domestics in By-gone Days 102
+
+Double Meanings 17
+
+Drawing an Inference 182
+
+Drinking by Candle-light 121
+
+Driving the Deevil Oot 70
+
+Droll Solemnity 93
+
+Drunken Wit 117
+
+Dry Weather, and Its Effect on the Ocean 37
+
+
+Earning His Dismissal 57
+
+"Eating Among the Brutes" 110
+
+"Effectual Calling" 142
+
+Either Too Fast or Too Slow 97
+
+English versus Scotch Sheep's Heads 33
+
+Entrance Free, and "Everything Found" 161
+
+Escaping Punishment 196
+
+"Every Man to His Own Trade" 73
+
+Extraordinary Absence of Mind 104
+
+
+"Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady" 63
+
+Faring Alike 102
+
+Fetching His "Character" 96
+
+Finding Work for His Class, While He Dined 91
+
+Fool Finding 75
+
+Forcing a Judge to Obey the Law 132
+
+"Fou--Aince" 181
+
+Fowls and Ducks! 84
+
+From Different Points of View 74
+
+From Pugilism to Pulpit 158
+
+
+"Gathering Up the Fragments" 169
+
+Ginger Ale 87
+
+Giving Them the Length of His Tongue 166
+
+Going to Ramoth Gilead 182
+
+Going to the Doctor's and "Taking" Something 76
+
+Good Enough to Give Away 120
+
+Good "for Nothing"--Not the Goodness Worth Having 78
+
+"Grace" With No Meat After 142
+
+Gratifying Industry! 203
+
+Grim Humor 122
+
+
+Ham and Cheese 150
+
+Happy Escape from an Angry Mob 43
+
+"Haste" and "Leisure" 111
+
+"Haudin' His Stick" 38
+
+"Having the Advantage" 166
+
+"Hearers Only--Not Doers" 88
+
+Heaven Before it Was Wanted 41
+
+Helping Business 48
+
+Highland Happiness 18
+
+Highland Simplicity 85
+
+Highland Warldliness 200
+
+His Own, with "Interest" 193
+
+His Word and His Bond Equally Binding 131
+
+Holding a Candle to the Sun 124
+
+Honest Johnny M'Cree 40
+
+How Greyhounds are Produced 203
+
+How to Exterminate Old Thieves 86
+
+How to Treat a Surplus 89
+
+Husband! Husband! Cease Your Strife! 154
+
+Hume Canonized 160
+
+
+Inconsistencies of "God's People" 151
+
+Indiscriminate Humor 39
+
+Ingenious Remedy for Ignorance 200
+
+"Invisible and Incomprehensible" 96
+
+It Takes Two to Fight 190
+
+It's a Gran' Nicht 55
+
+
+"Kaming" Her Ain Head 171
+
+Keeping His Threat--at His Own Expense 145
+
+"Knowledge--It Shall Vanish Away" 106
+
+Knox and Claverhouse 153
+
+
+Landseer's Deadly Influence 89
+
+Laughing in the Pulpit--With Explanation 37
+
+"Law" Set Aside by "Gospel" 106
+
+Leaving the Lawyers a Margin 129
+
+Less Sense Than a Sheep 41
+
+Lessons in Theology 15
+
+"Lichts Oot!" 107
+
+Light Through a Crack 14
+
+Lights and Livers 193
+
+Living With His Uncle 165
+
+Looking After Himself 193
+
+Looking Before Leaping 107
+
+Lord Clancarty and the Roman Catholic Chaplain 113
+
+Lord Cockburn Confounded 201
+
+Lord Mansfield and a Scotch Barrister on Pronunciation 114
+
+Losing His Senses 51
+
+Lost Dogs 80
+
+"Lost Labor" 149
+
+
+"Making Hay While the Sun Shines" 112
+
+Mallet, Plane, and Sermon--All Wooden 23
+
+Marriages which are Made in Heaven--How Revealed 115
+
+"Married!"--not "Living" 79
+
+Matrimony a Cure for Blindness 93
+
+Matter More than Manner 90
+
+Maunderings by a Scotchman 184
+
+Meanness versus Crustiness 192
+
+Mending Matters 95
+
+Mental Aberration 70
+
+Minding His Business 79
+
+Modern Improvements 152
+
+More Polite than Some Smokers 100
+
+More Witty Than True 136
+
+Mortal Humor 176
+
+Mortifying Unanimity 43
+
+Motive for Church Going 142
+
+Multum in Parvo 62
+
+
+National Thrift Exemplified 94
+
+Nearer the Bottom than the Top 175
+
+New Style of Riding in a Funeral Procession 145
+
+New Use for a "Cosy" 95
+
+"No Better than Pharaoh" 143
+
+"No Compliments" 202
+
+No End to His Wit 129
+
+"No Lord's Day!" 34
+
+"No Road This Way!" 159
+
+No Wonder! 27
+
+Not all Profit 89
+
+Not at Home 101
+
+Not "in Chains" 163
+
+Not Necessarily Out of His Depth 98
+
+Not One of "The Establishment" 143
+
+Not Qualified to Baptize 213
+
+Not Quite an Ass 212
+
+Not Surprised 210
+
+Not Up to Sample 116
+
+Not Used to It 141
+
+"Nothing," and How to See It 133
+
+
+Objecting to Long Sermons 161
+
+Objecting to "Regeneration" 30
+
+Objecting to Scotch "Tarmes" 140
+
+Official Consolation and Callousness 139
+
+"Old Bags" 107
+
+"Old Clo'" 197
+
+One "Always Right," the Other "Never Wrong" 14
+
+One Scotchman Outwitted by Another 214
+
+One Side of Scotch Humor 82
+
+"Oo"--with Variations 116
+
+Ornithology 207
+
+
+Paris and Peebles Contrasted 57
+
+Passing Remarks 197
+
+Patriotism and Economy 154
+
+Peter Peebles' Prejudice 33
+
+Pie, or Patience? 89
+
+"Plain Scotch" 19
+
+Plain Speaking 93
+
+Playing at Ghosts 157
+
+Pleasant Prospect Beyond the Grave 138
+
+"Plucked!" 36
+
+Popularity Tested by the Collection 118
+
+Practical Piety 172
+
+Practical Thrift 75
+
+"Prayer, with Thanksgiving" 206
+
+Praying for Wind 109
+
+Pretending to Make a Will 133
+
+Prince Albert and the Ship's Cook 77
+
+Prison Piety 61
+
+Prof Aytoun's Courtship 209
+
+Prophesying 130
+
+Providing a Mouthful for the Cow 149
+
+Pulpit Aids 76
+
+Pulpit Eloquence 183
+
+Pulpit Familiarity 165
+
+Pulpit Foolery 138
+
+"Purpose," not "Performance," Heaven's Standard 147
+
+Putting off a Duel and Avoiding a Quarrel 206
+
+
+Quaint Old Edinburgh Ministers 215
+
+Qualifications for a Chief 26
+
+Question and Answer 127
+
+Quid pro Quo 34
+
+
+Radically Rude 168
+
+Reasons For and Against Organs in Kirk 31
+
+"Reflections" 28
+
+Refusing Information 85
+
+Relieving His Wife's Anxiety 168
+
+Religious Loneliness 61
+
+Remarkable Presence of Mind 86
+
+Remembering Each Other 115
+
+Reproving a Miser 83
+
+"Rippets" and Humility 170
+
+Rival Anatomists in Edinburgh University 49
+
+Rivalry in Prayer 179
+
+Robbing on Credit 75, 127
+
+Rustic Notion of the Resurrection 128
+
+
+Sabbath Breaking 85
+
+Sabbath Zeal 123
+
+"Saddling the Ass" 102
+
+Salmon or Sermon 104
+
+Sandy's Reply to the Sheriff 120
+
+Sandy Wood's Proposal of Marriage 49
+
+Satisfactory Security 114
+
+Scoring a Point 13
+
+Scotch Caution versus Suretiship 105
+
+Scotch "Fashion" 18
+
+Scotch Ingenuity 137
+
+Scotch Literalness 98
+
+Scotch "Paddy" 35
+
+Scotch Provincialism 100
+
+Scotch Undergraduates and Funerals 39
+
+Scotchmen Everywhere 180
+
+Scottish Negativeness 96
+
+Scottish Patriotism 147
+
+Scottish Vision and Cockney Chaff 197
+
+Scripture Examination 87
+
+Sectarian Resemblances 166
+
+Seeking, Not Help, but Information--and Getting It 34
+
+Sending Him to Sleep 152
+
+Shakespeare--Nowhere! 159
+
+Sharpening His Teeth 92
+
+Sheridan's Pauses 208
+
+"Short Commons" 137
+
+Short Measure 57
+
+Significant Advice 204
+
+Silencing English Insolence 48
+
+Simplicity of a Collier's Wife 108
+
+Sleepy Churchgoers 170
+
+Speaking Figuratively 112
+
+Speaking from "Notes" 74
+
+Speeding the Parting Guest 192
+
+Spiking an Old Gun 156
+
+Spinning It Out 100
+
+Splendid Use for Bagpipes 171
+
+Square-Headed 84
+
+Strange Reason for Not Increasing a Minister's Stipend 183
+
+Strangers--"Unawares"--Not Always Angels 28
+
+Stratagem of a Scotch Pedlar 80
+
+Steeple or People? 159
+
+Stretching It 69
+
+Sunday Drinking 181
+
+Sunday Shaving and Milking 70
+
+Sunday Thoughts on Recreation 167
+
+"Surely the Net is Spread in Vain in the Sight of Any Bird" 64
+
+
+Taking a Light Supper 128
+
+"Terms--'Cash Down'" 132
+
+"The" and "The Other" 197
+
+The Best Crap 210
+
+The Best Time to Quarrel 146
+
+The Book Worms 148
+
+The Chieftain and the Cabby 88
+
+The End Justifying the Means 45
+
+The Fall of Adam and Its Consequences 85
+
+The Fly-fisher and the Highland Lassie 101
+
+The Force of Habit 204
+
+The Highlander and the Angels 82
+
+The Horse that Kept His Promise 146
+
+The Importance of Quantity in Scholarship 35
+
+The Journeyman Dog 60
+
+The Kirk of Lamington 149
+
+The Man at the Wheel 156
+
+The Mercy of Providence 59
+
+The "Minister's Man" 177
+
+The Parson and His "Thirdly" 136
+
+The Philosophy of Battle and Victory 154
+
+The Prophet's Chamber 160
+
+The Queen's Daughters--or "Appearances were Against Them" 116
+
+The "Sawbeth" at a Country Inn 180
+
+The Scotch Mason and the Angel 135
+
+The Speech of a Cannibal 162
+
+The Scottish Credit System 35
+
+The Selkirk Grace 151
+
+The Shape of the Earth 178
+
+The Shoemaker and Small Feet 137
+
+The Same with a Difference 139
+
+"The Spigot's Oot" 193
+
+The "Tables" of "the Law" 110
+
+The Value of a Laugh in Sickness 92
+
+"The Weaker Vessel" 79
+
+"There Maun Be Some Faut" 172
+
+"Things which Accompany Salvation" 192
+
+"Though Lost to Sight--to Memory Dear" 153
+
+Three Sisters All One Age 19
+
+Tired of Standing 61
+
+"To Memory 'Dear'" 78
+
+Too Canny to Admit Anything Particular 42
+
+Too Much Light--and Too Little 31
+
+Touching Each Other's Limitations 165
+
+True (perhaps) of Other Places than Dundee 133
+
+Trying One Grave First 90
+
+Trying to Shift the Job 94
+
+Turning His Father's Weakness to Account 36
+
+"Two Blacks Don't Make a White" 158
+
+Two Good Memories 83
+
+Two Methods of Getting a Dog Out of Church 174
+
+Two Questions on the Fall of Man 162
+
+Two Views of a Divine Call 58
+
+Two Ways of Mending Ways 160
+
+
+Unanswerable 75
+
+"Uncertainty of Life," from Two Good Points of View 148
+
+"Unco' Modest" 30
+
+Unusual for a Scotchman 134
+
+"Ursa Major" 207
+
+Using Their Senses 24
+
+
+Vanity Scathingly Reproved 203
+
+"Verra Weel Pitched" 118
+
+Virtuous Necessity 27
+
+
+Was He a Liberal or a Tory? 123
+
+Walloping Judas 56
+
+Watty Dunlop's Sympathy for Orphans 18
+
+Wersh Parritch and Wersh Kisses 198
+
+"What's the Lawin', Lass?" 190
+
+When Asses may not be Parsons 62
+
+Why Israel made a Golden Calf 92
+
+Why Janet Slept During Her Pastor's Sermon 99
+
+Why Not? 133
+
+Why Saul Threw a Javelin at David 182
+
+Why the Bishops Disliked the Bible 139
+
+Will any Gentleman Oblige "a Lady"? 150
+
+Winning the Race Instead of the Battle 207
+
+Wiser than Solomon 152
+
+"Wishes Never Filled the Bag" 141
+
+Wit and Humor Under Difficulties 198
+
+
+
+
+LIST OF KNOWN WORKS AND AUTHORITIES QUOTED
+
+(_Indicated in the Text by a Corresponding Number_)
+
+
+1 _Life and Labor_ (Smiles)
+
+2 (Robert Burns)
+
+3 (Pall Mall Gazette)
+
+4 (Dr. Chas. Stewart)
+
+5 (Norman Macleod)
+
+6 (Dr. Begg)
+
+7 (Dean Ramsay)
+
+8 _National Fun_ (Maurice Davies)
+
+9 _Anecdotes of the Clergy_ (Jacob Larwood)
+
+10 (William Arnott)
+
+11 (Moncure D. Conway)
+
+12 _Rab and His Friends_ (Rev. John Brown)
+
+13 _Memoir of R. Chambers_ (William Chambers)
+
+14 _Memorials_ (Lord Cockburn)
+
+15 (Dr. Guthrie)
+
+16 (Anonymous)
+
+17 (Daily News)
+
+18 _Turkey in Europe_ (Colonel J. Baker)
+
+19 _All the Year Round_ (Charles Dickens)
+
+20 _Red Gauntlet_ (Sir Walter Scott)
+
+21 (Chambers' Journal)
+
+22 (Dr. Hanna)
+
+23 (Sir W. Scott)
+
+24 (James Hogg)
+
+25 (Rev. D. Hogg)
+
+26 (J. Smith)
+
+
+
+
+Scotch Wit and Humor
+
+
+=Scoring a Point=
+
+A young Englishman was at a party mostly composed of Scotchmen, and
+though he made several attempts to crack a joke, he failed to evoke a
+single smile from the countenances of his companions. He became angry,
+and exclaimed petulantly: "Why, it would take a gimlet to put a joke
+into the heads of you Scotchmen."
+
+"Ay," replied one of them; "but the gimlet wud need tae be mair pointed
+than thae jokes."
+
+
+=A Cross-Examiner Answered=
+
+Mr. A. Scott writes from Paris: More than twenty years ago the Rev. Dr.
+Arnott, of Glasgow, delivered a lecture to the Young Men's Christian
+Association, Exeter Hall, upon "The earth framed and fitted as a
+habitation for man." When he came to the subject of "water" he told the
+audience that to give himself a rest he would tell them an anecdote.
+Briefly, it was this: John Clerk (afterwards Lord Eldon) was being
+examined before a Committee of the House of Lords. In using the word
+water, he pronounced it in his native Doric as "watter." The noble lord,
+the chairman, had the rudeness to interpose with the remark, "In
+England, Mr. Clerk, we spell water with one 't.'" Mr. Clerk was for a
+moment taken aback, but his native wit reasserted itself and he
+rejoined, "There may na be twa 't's' in watter, my lord, but there are
+twa 'n's' in manners." The droll way in which the doctor told the story
+put the audience into fits of laughter, renewed over and over again, so
+that the genial old lecturer obtained the rest he desired. [3]
+
+
+=One "Always Right," the Other "Never Wrong"=
+
+A worthy old Ayrshire farmer had the portraits of himself and his wife
+painted. When that of her husband, in an elegant frame, was hung over
+the fireplace, the gudewife remarked in a sly manner: "I think, gudeman,
+noo that ye've gotten your picture hung up there, we should just put in
+below't, for a motto, like, 'Aye richt!'"
+
+"Deed may ye, my woman," replied her husband in an equally pawkie tone;
+"and when ye got yours hung up ower the sofa there, we'll just put up
+anither motto on't, and say, 'Never wrang!'"
+
+
+="A Nest Egg Noo!"=
+
+An old maid, who kept house in a thriving weaving village, was much
+pestered by the young knights of the shuttle constantly entrapping her
+serving-women into the willing noose of matrimony. This, for various
+reasons, was not to be tolerated. She accordingly hired a woman
+sufficiently ripe in years, and of a complexion that the weather would
+not spoil. On going with her, the first day after the term, to "make her
+markets," they were met by a group of strapping young weavers, who were
+anxious to get a peep at the "leddy's new lass."
+
+One of them, looking more eagerly into the face of the favored handmaid
+than the rest, and then at her mistress, could not help involuntarily
+exclaiming, "Hech, mistress, ye've gotten a nest egg noo!"
+
+
+=Light Through a Crack=
+
+Some years ago the celebrated Edward Irving had been lecturing at
+Dumfries, and a man who passed as a wag in that locality had been to
+hear him.
+
+He met Watty Dunlop the following day, who said, "Weel, Willie, man, an'
+what do ye think of Mr. Irving?"
+
+"Oh," said Willie, contemptuously, "the man's crack't."
+
+Dunlop patted him on the shoulder, with a quiet remark, "Willie, ye'Il
+aften see a light peeping through a crack!" [7]
+
+
+=A Lesson to the Marquis of Lorne=
+
+The youthful Maccallum More, who is now allied to the Royal Family of
+Great Britain, was some years ago driving four-in-hand in a rather
+narrow pass on his father's estate. He was accompanied by one or two
+friends--jolly young sprigs of nobility--who appeared, under the
+influence of a very warm day and in the prospect of a good dinner, to be
+wonderfully hilarious.
+
+In this mood the party came upon a cart laden with turnips, alongside
+which the farmer, or his man, trudged with the most perfect
+self-complacency, and who, despite frequent calls, would not make the
+slightest effort to enable the approaching equipage to pass, which it
+could not possibly do until the cart had been drawn close up to the near
+side of the road. With a pardonable assumption of authority, the marquis
+interrogated the carter: "Do you know who I am, sir?" The man readily
+admitted his ignorance.
+
+"Well," replied the young patrician, preparing himself for an effective
+_dénouement_, "I'm the Duke of Argyll's eldest son!"
+
+"Deed," quoth the imperturbable man of turnips, "an' I dinna care gin ye
+were the deevil's son; keep ye're ain side o' the road, an' I'll keep
+mine."
+
+It is creditable to the good sense of the marquis, so far from seeking
+to resist this impertinent rejoinder, he turned to one of his friends,
+and remarked that the carter was evidently "a very clever fellow."
+
+
+=Lessons in Theology=
+
+The answer of an old woman under examination by the minister, to the
+question from the Shorter Catechism, "What are the _decrees_ of God?"
+could not have been surpassed by the General Assembly of the Kirk, or
+even the Synod of Dart, "Indeed, sir, He kens that best Himsell."
+
+ * * * * *
+
+An answer analogous to the above, though not so pungent, was given by a
+catechumen of the late Dr. Johnston of Leith. She answered his own
+question, patting him on the shoulder: "Deed, just tell it yersell,
+bonny doctor (he was a very handsome man); naebody can tell it better."
+
+ * * * * *
+
+A contributor (A. Halliday) to _All the Year Round_, in 1865, writes as
+follows:
+
+When I go north of Aberdeen, I prefer to travel by third class. Your
+first-class Scotchman is a very solemn person, very reserved, very much
+occupied in maintaining his dignity, and while saying little, appearing
+to claim to think the more. The people whom you meet in the third-class
+carriages, on the other hand, are extremely free. There is no reserve
+about them whatever; they begin to talk the moment they enter the
+carriage, about the crops, the latest news, anything that may occur to
+them. And they are full of humor and jocularity.
+
+My fellow-passengers on one journey were small farmers, artisans,
+clerks, and fishermen. They discussed everything, politics, literature,
+religion, agriculture, and even scientific matters in a light and airy
+spirit of banter and fun. An old fellow, whose hands claimed long
+acquaintance with the plow, gave a whimsical description of the parting
+of the Atlantic telegraph cable, which set the whole carriage in a roar.
+
+"Have you ony shares in it, Sandy?" said one.
+
+"Na, na," said Sandy. "I've left off speculation since my wife took to
+wearing crinolines; I canna afford it noo."
+
+"Fat d'ye think of the rinderpest, Sandy?"
+
+"Weel, I'm thinking that if my coo tak's it, Tibbie an' me winna ha'
+muckle milk to our tay."
+
+The knotty question of predestination came up and could not be settled.
+When the train stopped at the next station, Sandy said: "Bide a wee,
+there's a doctor o' deveenity in one o' the first-class carriages. I'll
+gang and ask him fat he thinks aboot it." And out Sandy got to consult
+the doctor. We could hear him parleying with the eminent divine over the
+carriage door, and presently he came running back, just as the train
+was starting, and was bundled in, neck and crop, by the guard.
+
+"Weel, Sandy," said his oppugner on the predestination question, "did
+the doctor o' deveenity gie you his opinion?"
+
+"Ay, did he."
+
+"An' fat did he say aboot it?"
+
+"Weel, he just said he dinna ken an' he dinna care."
+
+The notion of a D.D. neither kenning nor caring about the highly
+important doctrine of predestination, so tickled the fancy of the
+company that they went into fits of laughter. [38]
+
+
+=Double Meanings=
+
+A well-known idiot, named Jamie Frazer, belonging to the parish of
+Lunan, in Forfarshire, quite surprised people sometimes by his replies.
+The congregation of his parish had for some time distressed the minister
+by their habit of sleeping in church. He had often endeavored to impress
+them with a sense of the impropriety of such conduct, and one day when
+Jamie was sitting in the front gallery wide awake, when many were
+slumbering round him, the clergyman endeavored to awaken the attention
+of his hearers by stating the fact, saying: "You see even Jamie Frazer,
+the idiot, does not fall asleep as so many of you are doing." Jamie not
+liking, perhaps, to be designated, coolly replied, "An' I hadna been an
+idiot I wad ha' been sleepin', too." [7]
+
+ * * * * *
+
+Another imbecile of Peebles had been sitting in church for some time
+listening to a vigorous declamation from the pulpit against deceit and
+falsehood. He was observed to turn red and grow uneasy, until at last,
+as if wincing under the supposed attack upon himself personally, he
+roared out: "Indeed, meenister, there's mair leears in Peebles than me."
+[7]
+
+ * * * * *
+
+A minister, who had been all day visiting, called on an old dame, well
+known for her kindness of heart and hospitality, and begged the favor
+of a cup of tea. This was heartily accorded, and the old woman bustled
+about, getting out the best china and whatever rural delicacies were at
+hand to honor her unexpected guest. As the minister sat watching these
+preparations, his eye fell on four or five cats devouring cold porridge
+under the table.
+
+"Dear me! what a number of cats," he observed. "Do they all belong to
+you, Mrs. Black?"
+
+"No, sir," replied his hostess innocently; "but as I often say, a' the
+hungry brutes i' the country side come to me seekin' a meal o' meat."
+
+The minister was rather at a loss for a reply.
+
+
+=Scotch "Fashion"=
+
+The following story, told in the "Scotch Reminiscences" of Dean Ramsay,
+is not without its point at the present day: "On a certain occasion a
+new pair of inexpressibles had been made for the laird; they were so
+tight that, after waxing hot and red in the attempt to try them on, he
+_let out_ rather savagely at the tailor, who calmly assured him, 'It's
+the fashion--it's the fashion.'
+
+"'Eh, ye haveril, is it the fashion for them _no' to go on_?'" [7]
+
+
+=Wattie Dunlop's Sympathy for Orphans=
+
+Many anecdotes of pithy and facetious replies are recorded of a minister
+of the South, usually distinguished as "Our Wattie Dunlop." On one
+occasion two irreverent young fellows determined, as they said, to
+"taigle" (confound) the minister. Coming up to him in the High Street of
+Dumfries, they accosted him with much solemnity: "Maister Dunlop, hae ye
+heard the news?" "What news?" "Oh, the deil's dead." "Is he?" said Mr.
+Dunlop, "then I maun pray for twa faitherless bairns." [7]
+
+
+=Highland Happiness=
+
+Sir Walter Scott, in one of his novels, gives expression to the height
+of a Highlander's happiness: Twenty-four bagpipes assembled together in
+a small room, all playing at the same time different tunes. [23]
+
+
+=Plain Scotch=
+
+Mr. John Clerk (afterwards Lord Eldon), in pleading before the House of
+Lords one day, happened to say in his broadest Scotch accent: "In plain
+English, ma lords."
+
+Upon which a noble lord jocosely remarked: "In plain Scotch, you mean,
+Mr. Clerk."
+
+The prompt advocate instantly rejoined: "Nae matter! in plain common
+sense, ma lords, and that's the same in a' languages, ye'll ken."
+
+
+=Caring for Their Minister=
+
+A minister was called in to see a man who was very ill. After finishing
+his visit, as he was leaving the house, he said to the man's wife: "My
+good woman, do you not go to any church at all?"
+
+"Oh yes, sir; we gang to the Barony Kirk."
+
+"Then why in the world did you send for me? Why didn't you send for Dr.
+Macleod?"
+
+"Na, na, sir, 'deed no; we wadna risk him. Do ye no ken it's a dangerous
+case of typhus?"
+
+
+=Three Sisters All One Age=
+
+A Highland census taker contributed the following story to _Chambers'_:
+I had a bad job with the Miss M'Farlanes. They are three maiden
+ladies--sisters. It seems the one would not trust the other to see the
+census paper filled up; so they agreed to bring it to me to fill in.
+
+"Would you kindly fill in this census paper for us?" said Miss
+M'Farlane. "My sisters will look over and give you their particulars by
+and by."
+
+Now, Miss M'Farlane is a very nice lady; though Mrs. Cameron tells me
+she has been calling very often at the manse since the minister lost his
+wife. Be that as it may, I said to her that I would be happy to fill up
+the paper; and asked her in the meantime to give me her own particulars.
+When it came to the age column, she played with her boot on the carpet,
+and drew the black ribbons of her silk bag through her fingers, and
+whispered: "You can say four-and-thirty, Mr. M'Lauchlin." "All right,
+ma'am," says I; for I knew she was four-and-thirty at any rate. Then
+Miss Susan came over--that's the second sister--really a handsome young
+creature, with fine ringlets and curls, though she is a little
+tender-eyed, and wears spectacles.
+
+Well, when we came to the age column, Miss Susan played with one of her
+ringlets, and looked in my face sweetly, and said: "Mr. M'Lauchlin, what
+did Miss M'Farlane say? My sister, you know, is considerably older than
+I am--there was a brother between us."
+
+"Quite so, my dear Miss Susan," said I; "but you see the bargain was
+that each was to state her own age."
+
+"Well," said Miss Susan, still playing with her ringlets, "you can
+say--age, thirty-four years, Mr. M'Lauchlin."
+
+In a little while the youngest sister came in.
+
+"Miss M'Farlane," said she, "sent me over for the census paper."
+
+"O, no, my dear," says I; "I cannot part with the paper."
+
+"Well, then," said she, "just enter my name, too, Mr. M'Lauchlin."
+
+"Quite so. But tell me, Miss Robina, why did Miss M'Farlane not fill up
+the paper herself?"--for Miss Robina and I were always on very
+confidential terms.
+
+"Oh," she replied, "there was a dispute over _particulars_; and Miss
+M'Farlane would not let my other sister see how old she had said she
+was; and Miss Susan refused to state her age to Miss M'Farlane; and so,
+to end the quarrel, we agreed to ask you to be so kind as to fill in the
+paper."
+
+"Yes, yes, Miss Robina," said I; "that's quite satisfactory; and so,
+I'll fill in your name now, if you please."
+
+"Yes," she uttered, with a sigh. When we came to the age column--"Is it
+absolutely necessary," said she, "to fill in the age? Don't you think it
+is a most impertinent question to ask, Mr. M'Lauchlin?"
+
+"Tuts, it may be so to some folk; but to a sweet young creature like
+you, it cannot matter a button." "Well," said Miss Robina--"but now,
+Mr. M'Lauchlin, I'm to tell you a great secret"; and she blushed as she
+slowly continued: "The minister comes sometimes to see us."
+
+"I _have_ noticed him rather more attentive in his visitations in your
+quarter of late, than usual, Miss Robina."
+
+"Very well, Mr. M'Lauchlin; but you must not tease me just now. You know
+Miss M'Farlane is of opinion that he is in love with her; while Miss
+Susan thinks her taste for literature and her knowledge of geology,
+especially her pamphlet on the Old Red Sandstone and its fossils as
+confirming the old Mosaic record, are all matters of great interest to
+Mr. Frazer, and she fancies that he comes so frequently for the
+privilege of conversing with her. But," exclaimed Miss Robina, with a
+look of triumph, "look at that!" and she held in her hand a beautiful
+gold ring. "I have got that from the minister this very day!"
+
+I congratulated her. She had been a favorite pupil of mine, and I was
+rather pleased with what happened. "But what," I asked her, "has all
+this to do with the census?"
+
+"Oh, just this," continued Miss Robina, "I had no reason to conceal my
+age, as Mr. Frazer knows it exactly, since he baptized me. He was a
+young creature then, only three-and-twenty; so that's just the
+difference between us."
+
+"Nothing at all, Miss Robina," said I; "nothing at all; not worth
+mentioning."
+
+"In this changeful and passing world," said Miss Robina,
+"three-and-twenty years are not much after all, Mr. M'Lauchlin!"
+
+"Much!" said I. "Tuts, my dear, it's nothing--just, indeed, what should
+be."
+
+"I was just thirty-four last birthday, Mr. M'Lauchlin," said Miss
+Robina; "and the minister said the last time he called that no young
+lady should take the cares and responsibilities of a household upon
+herself till she was--well, eight-and-twenty; and he added that
+thirty-four was late enough."
+
+"The minister, my dear, is a man of sense."
+
+So thus were the Miss M'Farlanes' census schedules filled up; and if
+ever some one in search of the curiosities of the census should come
+across it, he may think it strange enough, for he will find that the
+three sisters M'Farlane are all ae year's bairns!
+
+
+=Distributing His Praises with Discernment=
+
+Will Stout was a bachelor and parish beadle, residing with his old
+mother who lived to the age of nearly a hundred years. In mature life he
+was urged by some friends to take a wife. He was very cautious, however,
+in regard to matrimony, and declined the advice, excusing himself on the
+ground "that there are many things you can say to your mither you
+couldna say to a fremit (strange) woman."
+
+While beadle, he had seen four or five different ministers in the
+parish, and had buried two or three of them. And although his feelings
+became somewhat blunted regarding the sacredness of graves in general,
+yet he took a somewhat tender care of the spot where the ministers lay.
+After his extended experience, he was asked to give his deliberate
+judgment as to which of them he had liked best. His answer was guarded;
+he said he did not know, as they were all good men. But being further
+pressed and asked if he had no preference, after a little thought he
+again admitted that they were all "guid men, guid men; but Mr.
+Mathieson's claes fitted me best."
+
+One of the new incumbents, knowing Will's interest in the clothes,
+thought that at an early stage he would gain his favor by presenting him
+with a coat. To make him conscious of the kindly service he was doing,
+the minister informed him that it was almost new. Will took the garment,
+examined it with a critical eye, and having thoroughly satisfied
+himself, pronounced it "a guid coat," but pawkily added: "When Mr. Watt,
+the old minister, gied me a coat, he gied me breeks as weel."
+
+The new minister, who was fortunately gifted with a sense of humor,
+could not do less than complete Will's rig-out from top to toe, and so
+established himself as a permanent favorite with the beadle.
+
+
+=Mallet, Plane and Sermon--All Wooden=
+
+In olden times, the serviceable beadle was armed with a small wooden
+"nob" or mallet, with which he was quietly commissioned to "tap" gently
+but firmly the heads of careless sleepers in church during the sermon.
+An instance to hand is very amusing.
+
+In the old town of Kilbarchan, which is celebrated in Scottish poetry as
+the birthplace of Habbie Simpson, the piper and verse maker of the
+clachan, once lived and preached a reverend original, whose pulpit
+ministrations were of the old-fashioned, hodden-gray type, being humdrum
+and innocent of all spirit-rousing eloquence and force. Like many of his
+clerical brethren, he was greatly annoyed every Sunday at the sight of
+several of his parishioners sleeping throughout the sermon. He was
+especially angry with Johnny Plane, the village joiner, who dropped off
+to sleep every Sunday afternoon simultaneously with the formal delivery
+of the text. Johnny had been "touched" by the old beadle's mallet on
+several occasions, but only in a gentle though persuasive manner. At
+last, one day the minister, provoked beyond endurance at the sight of
+the joiner soundly sleeping, lost his temper.
+
+"Johnny Plane!" cried the reverend gentleman, stopping his discourse and
+eyeing the culprit severely, "are ye really sleeping already, and me no'
+half through the first head?"
+
+The joiner, easy man, was quite oblivious to things celestial and
+mundane, and noticed not the rebuke.
+
+"Andra," resumed the minister, addressing the beadle, and relapsing into
+informal Doric, "gang round to the wast loft (west gallery) and rap up
+Johnny Plane. Gie the lazy loon a guid stiff rap on the heid--he
+deserves 't."
+
+Round and up to the "wast loft" the old-fashioned beadle goes, and
+reaching the somnolent parishioner, he rather smartly "raps" him on his
+bald head. Instantly, there was on the part of Johnny a sudden start-up,
+and between him and the worthy beadle a hot, underbreath bandying of
+words.
+
+Silence restored, the reverend gentleman proceeded with his sermon as
+if nothing unusual had occurred. After sermon, Andra met the minister in
+the vestry, who at once made inquiry as to the "words" he had had with
+Johnny in the gallery. But the beadle was reticent and uncommunicative
+on the matter, and would not be questioned at the reception the joiner
+had given his salutary summons.
+
+"Well, Andra," at length said the reverend gentleman, "I'll tell ye
+what, we must not be beaten in this matter; if the loon sleeps next
+Sunday during sermon, just you gang up and rap him back to reason. It's
+a knock wi' some _force_ in't the chiel wants, mind that, and spare
+not."
+
+"Deed no, sir" was the beadle's canny reply. "I'll no' disturb him,
+sleepin' or waukin', for some time to come. He threatens to knock
+pew-Bibles and hymn-books oot o' me, if I again daur to 'rap' him atween
+this and Martinmas. If Johnny's to be kept frae sleepin', minister, ye
+maun _just pit the force into yer sermon_."
+
+
+=Using Their Senses=
+
+The following story is told by one of the officers engaged in taking a
+census: One afternoon, I called up at Whinny Knowes, to get their
+schedule; and Mrs. Cameron invited me to stay to tea, telling me what a
+day they had had at "Whins" with the census paper.
+
+"'First of all,' said she, 'the master there'--pointing to her
+husband--'said seriously that every one must tell their ages, whether
+they were married or not, and whether they intended to be married, and
+the age and occupation of their sweethearts--in fact, that every
+particular was to be mentioned. Now, Mr. M'Lauchlin, our two servant
+lasses are real nice girls; but save me! what a fluster this census
+paper has put them in. Janet has been ten years with us, and is a most
+superior woman, with good sense; but at this time she is the most
+distressed of the two. After family worship last night, she said she
+would like a word o' the master himsel'.'
+
+"'All right,' says John, with a slight twinkle in his eye.
+
+"'When they were by themselves, Janet stood with her Bible in her hand,
+and her eyes fixed on the point of her shoe. 'Sir,' said she, 'I was
+three-an'-thirty last birthday, though my neighbor Mary thinks I'm only
+eight-an'-twenty. And as for Alexander'--this was the miller, Janet's
+reputed sweetheart--'he's never asked my age exactly; and so, if it's
+all the same, I would like you just to keep your thumb upon that. And
+then, as to whether he's to marry me or not, that depends on whether the
+factor gives him another lease of the mill. He says he'll take me at
+Martinmas coming if he gets the lease; but at the farthest, next
+Martinmas, whether or no.'
+
+"'Janet,' said my husband, 'you have stated the matter fairly; there is
+nothing more required.'
+
+"And John, there," continued Mrs. Cameron, "has made good use of Janet's
+census return. This very forenoon Lady Menzies called to see us, as she
+often does. Said John to her ladyship, says he: 'He's a very good
+fellow, Alexander Christie, the miller--a superior man. I'm sorry we are
+like to lose him for a neighbor.'
+
+"'I never heard of that,' said her ladyship. 'He is a steady, honest
+man, and a good miller, I believe. I should be sorry to lose him on the
+estate. What is the cause of this?'
+
+"'Oh,' replied my husband, 'it seems the factor is not very willing to
+have a new lease of the mill without one being built. Your ladyship,'
+added John, 'can see what Alexander is after.'
+
+"'Oh, yes, I understand,' said she, laughing. 'I will try and keep the
+miller'; and off she set without another word. Down the burnside she
+goes, and meets Alexander, with a bag of corn on his back, at the
+mill-door. When he had set it down, and was wiping the perspiration off
+his brow with the back of his hand, Lady Menzies said: 'You are busy
+to-day, miller.'
+
+"'Yes, my lady,' said he; 'this is a busy time.'
+
+"'I wonder,' said her ladyship, coming to the point at once, 'that a
+fine young fellow like you does not settle down now and take a wife, and
+let me have the pleasure of seeing you as a tenant always with us.'
+
+"'You wouldn't, my lady,' said the miller, 'have me bring a bird before
+I had a cage to put it in. The factor grudges to build me a house;
+therefore, I fear I must remove.'
+
+"'Well, Christie,' said her ladyship with great glee, 'you'll look out
+for the bird, and leave it to me to find the cage.'
+
+"'It's a bargain, my lady,' said Alexander. 'My father and my
+grandfather were millers here for many a long year before me; and to
+tell the truth, I was reluctant to leave the old place.'
+
+"In the course of the forenoon, the miller made an errand up the burn to
+the 'Whins,' for some empty bags; and as we had already got an inkling
+of what had passed between him and Lady Menzies, I sent Janet to the
+barn to help him look them out. When Janet returned, I saw she was a
+little flurried, and looked as if there was something she wished to say.
+In a little while--'Ma'am,' says she to me, 'I'm no' to stop after
+Martinmas.'
+
+"'No, Janet?' says I. 'I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure I've no fault to
+find with you, and you have been a long time with us.'
+
+"'I'm not going far away,' said Janet, with some pride; 'the bairns will
+aye get a handful of groats when they come to see us!'
+
+"So you see, Mr. M'Lauchlin, what a change this census paper of yours
+has brought about."
+
+"Ay, ay, good wife," said Whinny Knowes, laughing; "Although you have
+lost a good servant, you must admit that I've managed to keep the
+miller."
+
+
+=Qualifications for a Chief=
+
+When Glengarry claimed the chieftainship of the Macdonald clan, the
+generally acknowledged chief wrote to him as follows: "My dear
+Glengarry: As soon as you can prove yourself my chief I shall be ready
+to acknowledge you. In the meantime, I am, _Yours_, Macdonald."
+
+
+=A Beadle Magnifying His Office=
+
+The story of Watty Tinlin, the half-crazy beadle of Hawick parish,
+illustrates the license which was, on certain occasions, supposed to be
+due to his office. One day Wat got so tired of listening to the long
+sermon of a strange minister, that he went outside the church, and
+wandering in the direction of the river Teviot, saw the worshipers from
+the adjoining parish of Wilton crossing the bridge on their way home.
+
+Returning to the church and finding the preacher still thundering away,
+he shouted out, to the astonishment and relief of the exhausted
+congregation: "Say, amen, sir; say amen! Wulton's kirk's comin ower
+Teviot Brig!"
+
+
+=No Wonder!=
+
+The Lord Provost of a certain well-known city in the north had a
+daughter married to a gentleman of the name of Baird; and speaking of
+names of several friends, he happened to remark: "My grandmother was a
+Huisband, and my mother a Man," these having been the maiden names of
+the ladies.
+
+"Why, in that case," said the celebrated Dr. Gregory, who happened to be
+present, "we may the less wonder at your daughter having got a Baird."
+
+
+=Virtuous Necessity=
+
+Robbie Fairgrieve was sexton as well as kirk-beadle in a Roxburghshire
+parish, and despite the solemn duties attaching to his vocation, was on
+the whole a genial man, about equally fond of a joke and a good dram. In
+fact, Robbie was affected with a chronic "spark in his throat" which was
+ill to quench, and was, indeed, never fairly extinguished during the
+fifty years he officiated as kirk-beadle and sexton. One day, the
+minister of the parish met Robbie coming home from a visit to Jedburgh
+fair much sooner than was expected, he (Robbie) having found the fair
+painfully _dry_, in the sense of an unprecedented absence of friendly
+drams. Curious to know the cause of the beadle's quick return, the
+minister inquired as to the reason of such correct conduct, since most
+of his fellow-parishioners would likely stay out the fair.
+
+"Oh, sir," said Robbie, "huz yins (us ones) wha are 'sponsible
+kirk-officers" (alluding to the minister and himself), "should aye
+strive to be guid ensamples to the riff-raff o' the flock."
+
+
+=Strangers--"Unawares"--Not always Angels=
+
+Dr. Ferguson's first residence in Peebleshire was at Neidpath Castle,
+which was then just about to fall into its present half-ruinous state.
+On settling there, he told his family that it was his desire that any
+respectable people in the neighborhood who called should be received
+with the utmost civility, so that they might remain on pleasant terms
+with all around. Ere many days had elapsed, a neatly-dressed,
+gentleman-like little man was shown into Dr. Ferguson's own room, and
+entered easily into miscellaneous conversation. The bell for their early
+family-dinner ringing at the time, the courteous professor invited his
+visitor to join the family in the dining-room, which he readily
+consented to do. The family, remembering their father's injunction, of
+course received the unknown with all possible distinction, and a very
+lively conversation ensued. Dr. Ferguson, however, expressed his concern
+to see that his guest was eating very little--indeed, only making an
+appearance of eating--and he confessed his regret that he had so little
+variety of fare to offer him.
+
+"Oh, doctor," said the stranger, "never mind me: the fact is, on
+_killing days_ I scarcely ever have any appetite."
+
+Not small was the surprise, but much greater the amusement of the
+family, on discovering that he of the stingy appetite was Robert Smith,
+the Peebles butcher, and that the object of his visit was merely to
+bespeak Dr. Ferguson's custom!
+
+
+="Reflections"=
+
+A young preacher was holding forth to a country congregation, with
+rather more show than substance; after discussing certain heads in his
+way, he informed his audience that he would conclude with a few
+reflections.
+
+An old man, who seemed not greatly gratified, gave a significant shrug
+of his shoulders, and said in a low tone of voice, "Ye needna fash.
+There'll be plenty o' reflections I'se warn ye, though ye dinna mak' ony
+yersel'."
+
+
+=An Observant Husband=
+
+Willie Turnbull and his wife used to sup their evening meal of brose out
+of one "cog," but the gudewife generally took care to place the lump of
+butter at one side of the dish, which she carefully turned to her own
+side of the table. One night, however, Mrs. Turnbull inadvertently
+turned the "fat side" from her, and did not discover her error till she
+was about to dip in her spoon. She could not, without exposing her
+selfishness, actually turn the bowl round before her husband, but the
+butter she must have, and in order to obtain it she resorted to
+artifice.
+
+"Willie," said she, as if seized with a sudden inspiration, "isn't this
+a queer world? I'm tell't that it just turns round and round about, as I
+micht take this bowl and turn it round this way," and she prepared to
+suit the action to the word.
+
+Willie, however, saw this at a glance, and promptly stopped the
+practical illustration, saying, "Ay, ay, Maggie, the world's queer
+enough, but you just let it stand still e'enow, and the brose bowl,
+too!"
+
+
+="Bulls" in Scotland=
+
+Two operatives in one of the Border towns were heard disputing about a
+new cemetery, beside the elegant railing of which they were standing.
+One of them, evidently disliking the continental fashion in which it was
+being laid out, said in disgust, "I'd rather dee than be buried in sic a
+place!"
+
+"Weel, it's the verra reverse wi' me," said the other, "for I'll be
+buried naewhere else if I'm spared."
+
+
+="Brothers" in Law=
+
+A countryman, going into the Court of Session, took notice of two
+advocates at the bar, who, being engaged on opposite sides of the case
+in hand, wrangled with and contradicted each other severely, each
+frequently, however, styling his opponent "brother." The countryman
+observed to a bystander that there did not seem to be much brotherly
+love between them.
+
+"Oh," said he, "they're only brothers _in law_."
+
+"I suppose they'll be married on twa sisters, then," replied he; "and I
+think it's just the auld story ower again--freen's 'gree best separate."
+
+
+=A Family Likeness=
+
+Some soldiers, quartered in a country village, when they met at the
+roll-call were asking one another what kind of quarters they had got;
+one of them said he had very good quarters, but the strangest landlady
+ever he saw--she always took him off. A comrade said he would go along
+with him and would take her off. He went and offered to shake hands with
+her, saying, "How are you, Elspa?"
+
+"Indeed, sir," said she, "ye hae the better o' me; I dinna ken ye."
+
+"Dear me, Elspa," replied the soldier, "d'ye no ken me? I'm the devil's
+sister's son."
+
+"Dear, save us!" quoth the old wife, looking him broadly in the face;
+"'od man, but ye're like your uncle!"
+
+
+="Unco' Modest"=
+
+A Scottish witness in the House of Lords once gave in a rather
+dictatorial style his notions as to the failings in the character of
+Irishmen and Englishmen.
+
+He was allowed to say his say, and when out of breath Lord Lucan asked
+him to oblige the committee with his ideas relative to Scotch character.
+
+"Aweel, my laird, they're just on the contrary, unco' modest and"--the
+rest of the sentence was drowned in uproarious merriment.
+
+
+=Objecting to "Regeneration"=
+
+"What is the meaning of 'regeneration,' Tommy?" asked a teacher in the
+north, of one of the most promising pupils.
+
+"It means 'to be born again,' sir," was the answer.
+
+"Quite right, quite right, my man. Would you like to be born again,
+Tommy?" said the examiner.
+
+"No, sir, I wadna;" replied the heretical youth, boldly.
+
+"Indeed, laddie, and wha for no'?" inquired the astounded preceptor.
+
+"Because, sir," answered Tommy, "I'm fear'd I might be born a lassie."
+
+
+=Reasons For and Against Organs in Kirk=
+
+At a certain gathering of Presbyterian clergymen one of them urged that
+organs should be introduced in order to draw more young people to the
+church; upon which an old minister remarked that this was acting on the
+principle of "O whistle, an' I'll come to ye, my lad!"
+
+
+=Too Much Light and Too Little=
+
+A parish minister in Stirlingshire, noted for his parsimonious habits,
+had his glebe land wholly cropped with corn upon one occasion. After the
+ingatherings of harvest, news reached him that a considerable fall in
+prices was expected, and he ordered his serviceable "man," John, to get
+the corn threshed and taken to market with all possible speed. Now the
+beadle, having a well-founded hatred for his master's greed, set about
+his work in his ordinary style--a slow, if sure, process. John's style,
+however, did not on this occasion please the minister, who ordered him
+to get through with the task, even though he should get it done by
+candle-light.
+
+"Weel, weel," said the beadle; "say nae mair aboot it; it'll be done,
+sir, e'en as ye desire."
+
+Next day the minister, hearing the sound of the flail, entered the barn
+to see what progress was being made with the work, when, to his
+astonishment and anger, he found his beadle "flailing" away with might
+and main, and a candle burning brightly on each side of the
+threshing-floor.
+
+"What's this I see? What's the meaning of this?" demanded his master.
+"Candles burning in broad daylight!"
+
+"Oh, contain yersel', sir--contain yersel'," replied John with provoking
+coolness. "I'm daein' nae mair than ye bade me, for I'm daein' the job
+baith by day-licht and by can'le-licht."
+
+The beadle, after being severely lectured on his extravagant conduct,
+was ordered to take the candles to the kitchen, and henceforth and at
+all times he was to be deprived of their use.
+
+One night shortly after, a message came to the minister that one of his
+parishioners, who lived at a distance, was supposed to be dying, and was
+anxious to see him. John was dispatched to saddle the horse; and his
+master set about equipping himself for the journey. He then stepped
+across to where John was waiting with the animal, and seizing the reins,
+was about to mount, when suddenly, seeing a pair of horns on the crest
+of the steed, he shouted: "What in all the earth is this you have done,
+John?"
+
+The beadle, comically peering in the darkness at the creature,
+exclaimed: "I declare, sir, if I hav'na saddled the coo instead o' the
+horse, for the want o' can'le-licht!"
+
+
+=A Reproof Cleverly Diverted=
+
+The punctuality which reigned over the domestic regulations of Dr.
+Chalmers was sometimes not a little inconvenient to his guests.
+
+His aunt, while living in the house, appearing one morning too late for
+breakfast, and well knowing what awaited her if she did not "take the
+first word o' flyting," thus diverted the expected storm.
+
+"Oh! Mr. Chalmers," she exclaimed, as she entered the room, "I had such
+a strange dream last night; I dreamt that you were dead. And I dreamt,"
+she continued, "that the funeral cards were written; and the day came,
+and the folk came, and the hour came; but what do you think happened?
+Why, the clock had scarce done chapping twelve, which was the hour named
+in the cards, when a loud knocking was heard in the coffin, and a voice,
+gey peremptory and ill-pleased like, came out of it, saying, 'Twelve's
+chappit, and ye're no liftin'!'"
+
+The doctor was too fond of a joke not to relish this one; and, in the
+hearty laugh which followed, the ingenious culprit escaped. [22]
+
+
+=A Scotch "Squire"=
+
+"What name, sir?" said a booking clerk at a coach office in Paisley, to
+a person who was applying for a seat in the Glasgow coach.
+
+"What hae ye to dae wi' my name, gin I gie ye the siller?" replied the
+applicant.
+
+"I require it for the way-bill; and unless you give it, you can't have a
+place in the coach," said the clerk.
+
+"Oh! gin that be the case, I suppose ye maun hae't. Weel, then, my
+name's John Tamson o' Butter Braes, an' ye may put 'Esquire' till't, gin
+ye like; at least, I live on my ain farm."
+
+
+=Peter Peebles' Prejudice=
+
+"Ow, he is just a weed harum-scarum creature, that wad never take his
+studies; daft, sir, clean daft."
+
+"Deft!" said the justice; "what d'ye mean by deft--eh?"
+
+"Just Fifish," replied Peter; "wowf--a wee bit by the East--Nook, or
+sae; it's common case--the ae half of the warld thinks the tither daft.
+I have met folk in my day that thought I was daft mysell; and, for my
+part, I think our Court of Session clean daft, that have had the great
+cause of Peebles against Plainstanes before them for this score of
+years, and have never been able to ding the bottom of it yet." [20]
+
+
+=English versus Scotch Sheep's Heads=
+
+A Scottish family, having removed to London, wished to have a sheep's
+head prepared as they had been accustomed to have it at home, and sent
+the servant to procure one.
+
+"My gude man," said the girl, "I want a sheep's head."
+
+"There's plenty of them," replied the knight of the knife, "choose one
+for yourself."
+
+"Na, na," said she, "I want ane that will sing (singe)."
+
+"Go, you stupid girl," said he, "whoever heard of a sheep's head that
+could sing?"
+
+"Why," said the girl in wrath, "it's ye that's stupid; for a' the
+sheep's heads in Scotland can sing; but I jalouse your English sheep
+are just as grit fules as their owners, and can do naething as they
+ocht."
+
+
+=Seeking, not Help, but Information--and Getting It=
+
+The landlord of the hotel at the foot of Ben Nevis tells a story of an
+Englishman stumbling into a bog between the mountain and the inn, and
+sinking up to his armpits. In danger of his life he called out to a tall
+Highlander who was passing by, "How can I get out of this?" to which the
+Scotchman replied, "I dinna think ye can," and coolly walked on.
+
+
+=Compulsory Education and a Father's Remedy=
+
+One of the members of a Scottish School Board was recently discussing
+the question of compulsory education with a worthy elector, who
+addressed him as follows: "An' that's gospel, is't, that ye're gaun to
+eddicatt my bairns whuther I will or no?"
+
+The member proceeded to explain.
+
+"Weel, I'll just tell ye. Ye say they're to be eddicatt; I say they're
+no' an' they sanna. I'll droon them first!"
+
+
+="No Lord's Day!"=
+
+In a certain district in the Highlands, the bell-man one day made the
+following proclamation: "O yes, O yes, and O yes; and that's three
+times! You'll all pe tak' notice, that there will pe no Lord's day here
+next Sabbath, pecause the laird's wife wants the kirk to dry her clothes
+in!"
+
+
+=Dead Shot=
+
+An ironmonger who kept a shop in the High Street of Edinburgh, and sold
+gunpowder and shot, when asked by any ignorant person in what respect
+"patent" shot--a new article at that time--surpassed the old kind, "Oh,
+sir," he would answer, "it shoots deader."
+
+
+=Quid Pro Quo=
+
+An old Scottish beggar, with bonnet in hand, appealed to a clergyman for
+"a bit of charity." The minister put a piece of silver into his hand.
+
+"Thank ye, sir; oh, thank ye! I'll gie ye an afternoon's hearing for
+this ane o' these days."
+
+
+=The Scottish Credit System=
+
+An intimation hung in a warehouse in Glasgow was to this effect: "No
+credit given here, except to those who pay money down."
+
+
+=Scotch "Paddy"=
+
+"Noo, my gude bairns," said a schoolmaster to his class "there's just
+another instance o' the uncertainty o' human life; ane o' your ane
+schulemates--a fine wee bit lassie--went to her bed hale and weel at
+night and rose a corpse in the morning."
+
+
+=The Importance of Quantity in Scholarship=
+
+Charles Erskine was, at the age of twenty, a teacher of Latin in
+Edinburgh University. On one occasion, after his elevation to the bench,
+a young lawyer in arguing a case before him used a false Latin quantity,
+whereupon his lordship said, with a good-natured smile, "Are you sure,
+sir, you are correct in your _quantity_ there?"
+
+The young counsel nettled at the query, retorted petulantly, "My lord, I
+never was a schoolmaster."
+
+"No," answered the judge, "nor, I think, a scholar either."
+
+
+=Capital Punishment=
+
+Andrew Leslie, an old Scotchman, always rode a donkey to his work and
+tethered him, while he labored, on the road, or wherever else he might
+be. It was suggested to him by a neighboring gentleman that he was
+suspected of putting him in to feed in the fields at other people's
+expense.
+
+"Eh, laird, I could never be tempted to do that, for my cuddy winna eat
+anything but nettles and thistles."
+
+One day, however, the same gentleman was riding along the road when he
+saw Andrew Leslie at work, and his donkey up to his knees in one of his
+own clover fields feeding luxuriously.
+
+"Hollo! Andrew," said he, "I thought you told me your cuddy would eat
+nothing but nettles and thistles."
+
+"Ay," was the reply, "but he misbehaved the day; he nearly kicked me
+ower his head, sae I put him in there just to punish him!"
+
+
+="Plucked!"=
+
+Scotch parish schoolmasters are, on their appointment, examined as to
+their literary qualifications. One of the fraternity being called by his
+examiner to translate Horace's ode beginning, "Exegi monumentum ære
+perennius," commenced as follows: "Exegi monumentum--I have eaten a
+mountain."
+
+"Ah," said one of the examiners, "ye needna proceed any further; for
+after eatin' sic a dinner, this parish wad be a puir mouthfu' t' ye. Ye
+maun try some wider sphere."
+
+
+=An Instance of Scott's Pleasantry=
+
+Sir Walter Scott was never wanting in something pleasant to say, even on
+the most trivial occasions. Calling one day at Huntly Burn, soon after
+the settlement of his friend in that house, and observing a fine
+honeysuckle in full blossom over the door, he congratulated Miss
+Ferguson on its appearance. She remarked that it was the kind called
+trumpet honeysuckle, from the form of the flower. "Weel," said Scott,
+"ye'll never come out o' your ain door without a flourish o' trumpets."
+
+
+=Turning His Father's Weakness to Account=
+
+Many good stories are told of old Dr. Lawson, a Presbyterian minister in
+Scotland, who was so absent-minded that he sometimes was quite
+insensible of the world around him. One of his sons, who afterwards
+became a highly esteemed Christian minister, was a very tricky boy,
+perhaps mischievous in his tricks.
+
+Near the manse lived an old woman, of crabbed temper, and rather ungodly
+in her mode of living. She and the boy had quarreled, and the result was
+that he took a quiet opportunity to kill one of her hens. She went
+immediately to Dr. Lawson and charged his son with the deed. She was
+believed; and, as it was not denied, punishment was inflicted. He was
+ordered to abide in the house; and to make the sentence more severe his
+father took him into the _study_, and commanded him to sit there with
+him.
+
+The son was restless, and frequently eyed the door. At last he saw his
+father drowned in thought, and quietly slipped out. He went directly to
+the old woman's and killed another hen, returning immediately and taking
+his place in the library, his father having never missed him.
+
+The old woman speedily made her appearance, and charged the slaughter
+again upon him.
+
+Dr. Lawson, however, waxed angry--declared her to be a false accuser, as
+the boy had been closeted with him all the time--adding: "Besides, this
+convinces me that you had just as little ground for your last
+accusation; I therefore acquit him of both, and he may go out now."
+
+The woman went off in high dudgeon, and the prisoner in high glee.
+
+
+=Curious Idea of the Evidence for Truth=
+
+Jean M'Gown had been telling a story to some friends who seemed inclined
+to doubt the truth thereof, when Jean, turning round quite indignantly,
+said, "It mon be true, for father read it out o' a _bound book_!"
+
+
+=Dry Weather, and Its Effects on the Ocean=
+
+The family of Mr. Torrance were about leaving the town of Strathaven,
+for America. Tibby Torrance, an old maiden sister of Mr. Torrance's was
+to accompany them.
+
+Before they left, some of the neighbors were talking to Tibby of the
+dangers of the "great deep," when she suddenly exclaimed, "Aweel, aweel,
+it's been a gay dry summer, and I think the sea'll no' be very deep!"
+
+
+=Laughing in the Pulpit--With Explanation=
+
+A Scotch Presbyterian minister stopped one morning, in the middle of his
+discourse, laughing out loud and long. After a while he composed his
+face, and finished the service without any explanation of his
+extraordinary conduct.
+
+The elders, who had often been annoyed with his peculiarities, thought
+this a fit occasion to remonstrate with him. They did so during the noon
+intermission, and insisted upon the propriety of his making an
+explanation in the afternoon. To this he readily assented; and after the
+people were again assembled, and while he was standing, book in hand,
+ready to begin the service, he said:
+
+"Brethren, I laughed in midst of the service this mornin', and the gude
+eldership came and talked wi' me aboot it, and I towld them I would make
+an apology to you at once, and that I am now aboot to do. As I was
+preaching to you this mornin', I saw the deil come in that door wi' a
+long parchment in his hand, as long as my arm; and as he came up that
+side he tuk down the names of all that were asleep, an' then he went
+down the ither side, and got only twa seats down, and by that time the
+parchment was full. The deil looked along down the aisle, and saw a
+whole row of sleepers, and no room for their names; so he stretched it
+till it tore; and he laughed, and I couldn't help it but laugh, too--and
+that's my apology. Sing the Fiftieth Psalm."
+
+
+=A Good Judge of Accent=
+
+A Canadian bishop, well known for his broad Scotch accent as well as his
+belief that it was not perceptible, was called upon by a brother Scot
+one day, whom he had not seen for several years. Among other questions
+asked of him by the bishop was, "How long have you been in Canada?"
+
+"About sax years," was the reply.
+
+"Hoot, mon," says the bishop, "why hae ye na lost your accent, like
+mysel'?"
+
+
+="Haudin' His Stick"=
+
+On my first visit to Edinburgh, having heard a great deal of the
+oratorical powers of some of the members of the General Assembly, I was
+anxious to hear and judge for myself. I accordingly paid an early visit
+to it. Seated next me I saw an elderly, hard-featured, sober-looking
+man, leaning with both hands on a stick and eyeing the stick with great
+earnestness, scarcely even moving his eyes to right or left.
+
+My attention was soon directed to the speaker above me, who had opened
+the discourse of the day. The fervidness of his eloquence, his great
+command of language, and the strangeness of his manner excited my
+attention in an unusual degree. I wished to know who he was, and applied
+to my neighbor, the sober-looking, hard-featured man.
+
+"Pray, sir, can you tell me who is speaking now?"
+
+The man turned on me a defiant and contemptuous look for my ignorance,
+and answered, looking reverently at the cane on which his hands were
+imposed: "Sir, that's the great Docther Chawmers, and I'm haudin' his
+stick!" [16]
+
+
+=Indiscriminate Humor=
+
+The late Archibald Constable, the well-known Edinburgh publisher, was
+somewhat remarkable in his day for the caustic severity of his speech,
+which, however, was only a thin covering to a most amiable, if somewhat
+overbearing, disposition.
+
+On one occasion a partner of the London publishing house of Longman,
+Hurst, Rees, Orme & Brown was dining with Mr. C----, at his country seat
+near the beautiful village of Lasswade. Looking out of the window, the
+Londoner remarked, "What a pretty lake, and what beautiful swans!"
+
+"Lake, mon, and swans!--it's nae a lake, it's only a pond; and they're
+naething but geese. You'll maybe noteece that they are just five of
+them; and Baldy, that ne'er-do-weel bairn there, caws them Longman,
+Hurst, Rees, Orme and Brown!"
+
+Sir Walter Scott, in telling the story, was wont to add: "That skit cost
+the 'crafty' many a guinea, for the cockney was deeply offended, as well
+he might be, not knowing the innocent intent with which his Scotch
+friend made such speeches."
+
+
+=Scotch Undergraduates and Funerals=
+
+The reported determination of a Scottish professor not to allow the
+students of his class more than one funeral in each family this session
+sounds like a grim joke; but it is fair to note that this gentleman, who
+has presumptively some experience of the ways of undergraduates, was
+lately reported to have come to the conclusion that the very high rate
+of mortality of late among the relatives of members of his class has
+been "artificially produced." Dark reminders of the hero of "Ruddigore,"
+who was bound by the decrees of fate to commit one crime a day, have
+been heard in connection with this mysterious reference; but the
+_University Correspondent_ has thrown a little light on the subject. The
+suggestion is that the northern undergraduate--not unlike his English
+brother--when he is feeling a little bored by his surroundings at the
+university, has a habit of producing a sad telegram informing him of the
+demise of a maiden aunt or second-cousin who never existed. [17]
+
+
+=Honest Johnny M'Cree=
+
+In one of his speeches Sheridan says: I remember a story told respecting
+Mr. Garrick, who was once applied to by an eccentric Scotchman to
+introduce a work of his on the stage. This Scotchman was such a
+good-humored fellow, that he was called "honest Johnny M'Cree."
+
+Johnny wrote four acts of a tragedy which he showed to Mr. Garrick, who
+dissuaded him from finishing it, telling him that his talent did not lie
+that way; so Johnny abandoned the tragedy, and set about writing a
+comedy. When this was finished he showed it to Mr. Garrick, who found it
+to be still more exceptionable than the tragedy, and of course could not
+be persuaded to bring it forward on the stage.
+
+This surprised poor Johnny, and he remonstrated. "Nay, now, David," said
+Johnny, "did you not tell me that my talents did not lie in tragedy?"
+
+"Yes," said Garrick, "but I did not tell you that they lay in comedy."
+
+"Then," exclaimed Johnny, "gin they dinna lie there, where the deil
+dittha lie, mon?"
+
+
+=Heaven Before it was Wanted=
+
+A Scotch newspaper relates that a beggar wife, on receiving a gratuity
+from the Rev. John Skinner, of Langside, author of "Tullochgorum," said
+to him by way of thanks, "Oh, sir, I houp that ye and a' your family
+will be in heaven the nicht."
+
+"Well," said Skinner, "I am very much obliged to you; only you need not
+have just been so particular as to the time."
+
+
+=Curious Delusion Concerning Light=
+
+A hard-headed Scotchman, a first-rate sailor and navigator, he, like
+many other people, had his craze, which consisted in looking down with
+lofty contempt upon such deluded mortals as supposed that light was
+derived from the sun! Yet he gazed on that luminary day after day as he
+took its meridian altitude and was obliged to temper his vision with the
+usual piece of dark-colored glass.
+
+"How," I asked him, "do you account for light if it is not derived from
+the sun?"
+
+"Weel," he said, "it comes from the eer; but you will be knowing all
+about it some day."
+
+He was of a taciturn nature, but of the few remarks which he did make
+the usual one was, "Weel, and so yer think that light comes from the
+sun, do yer? Weel! ha, ha!" and he would turn away with a contemptuous
+chuckle. [18]
+
+
+=Less Sense than a Sheep=
+
+Lord Cockburn, the proprietor of Bonally, was sitting on a hillside with
+a shepherd; and observing the sheep reposing in the coolest situation he
+observed to him, "John, if I were a sheep, I would lie on the other side
+of the hill." The shepherd answered, "Ay, my lord, but if ye had been a
+sheep, ye would hae mair sense."
+
+
+=Consoled by a Relative's Lameness=
+
+For authenticity of one remark made by the Rev. Walter Dunlop I can
+readily vouch. Some time previous to the death of his wife Mr. Dunlop
+had quarreled with that lady's brother--a gentleman who had the
+misfortune to lose a leg, and propelled himself by means of a stick
+substitute.
+
+When engaged with two of the deacons of his church, considering the
+names of those to whom "bids" to the funeral should be sent, one
+observed, "Mr. Dunlop, ye maun send ane to Mr. ----" naming the
+obnoxious relative.
+
+"Ou, ay," returned the minister, striving that his sense of duty should
+overcome his reluctance to the proposal. "Ye can send _him_ ane." Then
+immediately added, with much gravity, and in a tone that told the vast
+relief which the reflection afforded, "He'll no be able to come up the
+stairs." [4]
+
+
+=Curious Sentence=
+
+Some years ago the celebrated Edward Irving had been lecturing at
+Dumfries, and a man who passed as a wag in that locality had been to
+hear him.
+
+He met Watty Dunlop the following day, who said, "Weel, Willie, man, an'
+what do ye think of Mr. Irving?"
+
+"Oh," said Willie contemptuously, "the man's crack't."
+
+Dunlop patted him on the shoulder, with a quiet remark, "Willie, ye'll
+aften see a light peeping through a crack!" [7]
+
+
+=Too Canny to Admit Anything Particular=
+
+An elder of the parish kirk of Montrose was suspected of illegal
+practices, and the magistrates being loth to prosecute him, privately
+requested the minister to warn the man that his evil doings were known,
+and that if he did not desist he would be punished and disgraced. The
+minister accordingly paid the elder a visit, but could extort neither
+confession nor promise of amendment from the delinquent.
+
+"Well, Sandy," said the minister, as he rose to retire from his
+fruitless mission, "you seem to think your sins cannot be proved before
+an earthly tribunal, but you may be assured that they will all come out
+in the day of judgment."
+
+"Verra true, sir," replied the elder, calmly. "An' it is to be hoped for
+the credit of the kirk that neither yours nor mine come oot afore then."
+
+
+=Mortifying Unanimity=
+
+ I said, to one who picked me up,
+ Just slipping from a rock,
+ "I'm not much good at climbing, eh?"
+ "No, sirr, ye arrrn't," quoth Jock.
+
+ I showed him then a sketch I'd made,
+ Of rough hill-side and lock;
+ "I'm not an artist, mind," I said;
+ "No, sirr, ye arrrn't," quoth Jock.
+
+ A poem, next, I read aloud--
+ One of my num'rous stock;
+ "I'm no great poet," I remarked;
+ "No, sirr, ye arrrn't," said Jock.
+
+ Alas! I fear I well deserved
+ (Although it proved a shock),
+ In answer to each modest sham,
+ That plain retort from Jock.
+
+
+=A Consoling "If"=
+
+Bannockburn is always the set-off to Flodden in popular estimation, and
+without it Flodden would be a sore subject.
+
+"So you are going to England to practice surgery," said a Scottish
+lawyer to a client, who had been a cow-doctor; "but have you skill
+enough for your new profession!"
+
+"Hoots! ay! plenty o' skill!"
+
+"But are you not afraid ye may sometimes kill your patients, if you do
+not study medicine for awhile as your proper profession?"
+
+"Nae fear! and if I do kill a few o' the Southrons, it will take a great
+deal of killing to mak' up for Flodden!"
+
+
+=Happy Escape from an Angry Mob=
+
+The most famous surgeon in Edinburgh, towards the close of the last
+(the eighteenth) century, was certainly Mr. Alexander Wood, Member of
+the Incorporation of Chirurgeons, or what is now called the Royal
+College of Surgeons. In these days he was known by no other name than
+Lang Sandy Wood (or "Wud," as it was pronounced). He deserves to be
+remembered as the last man in Edinburgh who wore a cocked hat and sword
+as part of his ordinary dress, and the first who was known to carry an
+umbrella.
+
+It is generally supposed that he was induced to discontinue the wearing
+of the sword and cocked hat by an unfortunate accident which very nearly
+happened to him about 1792. At that time the then lord provost, or
+chief magistrate of the city, a Mr. Stirling, was very unpopular with
+the lower orders of society, and one dark night, as Sandy was
+proceeding over the North Bridge on some errand of mercy, he was
+met by an infuriated mob on their way from the "closes" of the old
+town to burn the provost's house in revenge for some wrong--real or
+imaginary--supposed to be inflicted by that functionary. Catching sight
+of an old gentleman in a cocked hat and sword, they instantly concluded
+that this must be the provost--these two articles of dress being then
+part of the official attire of the Edinburgh chief magistrate. Then
+arose the cry of "Throw him over the bridge"--a suggestion no sooner
+made than it was attempted to be carried into execution.
+
+The tall old surgeon was in mortal terror, and had barely time to gasp
+out, just as he was carried to the parapet of the bridge, "Gude folk,
+I'm no' the provost. Carry me to a lamp post an' ye'll see I'm Lang
+Sandy Wood!"
+
+With considerable doubt whether or not the obnoxious magistrate was not
+trying to save his life by trading on the popularity of Sandy, they
+carried him to one of the dim oil-lamps, with which the city was then
+lit, and after scanning his face closely, satisfied themselves of the
+truth of their victim's assertion. Then came a revulsion of feeling, and
+amid shouts of applause the popular surgeon was carried to his residence
+on the shoulders of the mob.
+
+
+=The End Justifying the Means=
+
+Sandy Wood had the most eccentric ways of curing people. One of his
+patients, the Hon. Mrs. ----, took it into her head that she was a hen,
+and that her mission in life was to hatch eggs. So firmly did this
+delusion take possession of her mind that, by-and-bye she found it
+impossible to rise off her seat, lest the eggs should get cold. Sandy
+encouraged the mania, and requested that he might have the pleasure of
+taking a "dish of tea" with her that evening, and that she would have
+the very best china on the table.
+
+She cordially agreed to this, and when her guest arrived in the evening
+he found the tea-table covered with some very valuable crockery, which
+did not belie its name, for it had really been imported from China by a
+relative of the lady, an East Indian Nabob.
+
+The surgeon made a few remarks about the closeness of the room, asked
+permission to raise the window, and then, watching an opportunity when
+the hostess' eye was upon him, he seized the trayful of fragile ware and
+feigned to throw them out of the window.
+
+The lady screamed, and, forgetful in her fright of her supposed
+inability to rise, she rushed from her seat to arrest the arm of the
+vandal.
+
+The task was not a hard one, for the eccentric old surgeon laughed as he
+replaced the tray on the table, and escorted his patient to her seat.
+The spell had been broken, and nothing more was ever heard of the
+egg-hatching mania.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+Another lady patient of his had a tumor in her throat, which threatened
+her death if it did not burst. She entirely lost her voice, and all his
+efforts to reach the seat of the malady were unavailing. As a last
+resort, he quietly placed the poker in the fire; and after in vain
+attempting to get his patient to scream, so as to burst the tumor, he
+asked her to open her mouth, and seizing the then red-hot poker, he made
+a rush with it to her throat. The result was a yell of terror from the
+thoroughly frightened patient, which effected what he had long
+desired--the breaking of the tumor, and her recovery.
+
+
+=A Lecture on Baldness--Curious Results=
+
+Edinburgh laughed heartily, but was not at all scandalized, when one
+famous university professor kicked another famous professor in the same
+faculty, down before him from near the North Bridge to where the
+Register House now stands. The _casus belli_ was simple, but, as
+reported, most irritating.
+
+The offending professor was lecturing to his class one morning, and
+happened to say that baldness was no sign of age. "In fact, gentlemen,"
+said the suave professor, "it's no sign at all, nor the converse. I was
+called in very early yesterday morning to see the wife of a
+distinguished colleague, a lady whose raven locks have long been the
+pride of rout and ball. It was in the morning, and I caught the lady in
+deshabille, and would you believe it, the raven locks were all fudge,
+and the lady was as bald as the palm of my hand."
+
+The professor said nothing more, but no sooner was his lecture ended
+than the students casually inquired of the coachman whom the professor
+was called to see yesterday morning. The coachman, innocently enough,
+answered, "Oh, Mrs. Prof. ----."
+
+This was enough, and so before four-and-twenty hours went round, the
+story came to Prof. A---- that Prof. B---- had said, in his class, that
+Mrs. Prof. A---- wore a wig. For two days they did not meet, and when
+they did, the offender was punished in the ignominious manner described.
+
+
+=A Miserly Professor=
+
+An Edinburgh professor was noted for his miserly habits, though, in
+reality, he was a rich man and the proprietor of several ancestral
+estates. He once observed a Highland student--proverbially a poor
+set--about to pick up a penny in the college quad, but just as he was
+about to pick it up, the learned professor gave him a push, which sent
+the poor fellow right over, when Dr. ---- cooly pocketed the coin and
+walked on, amid the laughter of a crowd of students who were watching
+the scene. He did not always stick at trifles. Going down the crowded
+street he saw a street boy pick up a shilling. Instantly the professor
+chucked it out of the boy's hand, and then, holding it between his thumb
+and forefinger, with his gold-headed cane in the other, carefully
+guarding it, he read out to the whimpering boy a long lecture on honesty
+being the best policy; how the "coin" was not his; how it might belong
+to some poor man whose family might be suffering for the want of that
+coin, and so on, concluding by pocketing the shilling, and charging the
+finder that "if ever he heard of anybody having lost that shilling, to
+say that Prof. ---- had got it. Everybody knows me. It is quite safe.
+Honesty, my lad, is always the best policy. Remember that, and read your
+catechism well."
+
+ * * * * *
+
+On one occasion he was called, in consultation with Prof. Gregory, about
+a patient of his who happened to be a student of medicine. The day
+previously, however, Dr. Gregory had called alone, and on going away was
+offered the customary guinea. This the stately physician firmly refused;
+he never took fees from students. The patient replied that Prof. ----
+did. Immediately Gregory's face brightened up. "I will be here to-morrow
+in consultation with him. Be good enough to offer me a fee before him,
+sir."
+
+To-morrow came, and the student did as he had been requested.
+
+"What is that, sir?" the professor answered, looking at his proffered
+guinea: "A fee, sir! Do you mean to insult me, sir? What do you take us
+to be--cannibals? Do we live on one another? No, sir. The man who could
+take a fee from a student of his own profession ought to be
+kicked--kicked, sir, out of the faculty! Good morning!" and with that
+the celebrated physician walked to the door, in well-affected
+displeasure. Next day, to the astonishment of the patient, Prof. ----
+sent a packet with all the fees returned.
+
+It is said that he once took a bag of potatoes for a fee, and ever after
+boasted of his generosity in the matter: "The man was a poor man, sir.
+We must be liberal, sir. Our Master enjoins it on us, and it is
+recommended in a fine passage in the admirable aphorisms of Hippocrates.
+The man had no money, sir, so I had to deal gently with him, and take
+what he had; though as a rule--as a rule--I prefer the modern to the
+ancient exchange, _pecunia_ instead of _pecus_. Hah! hah!"
+
+
+=Silencing English Insolence=
+
+"There never was a Scotchman" said an insolent cockney, at Stirling, to
+a worthy Scot, who was acting as guide to the castle "who did not want
+to get out of Scotland almost as soon as he got into it."
+
+"That such may be the fack, I'll no' gainsay," replied the Scot. "There
+were about twenty thousand o' your countrymen, and mair, who wanted to
+get out of Scotland on the day of Bannockburn. But they could na' win.
+And they're laying at Bannockburn the noo; and have never been able to
+get out o' Scotland yet."
+
+ * * * * *
+
+It was Johnson's humor to be anti-Scottish. He objected theoretically to
+haggis, though he ate a good plateful of it.
+
+"What do you think o' the haggis?" asked the hospitable old lady, at
+whose table he was dining, seeing that he partook so plentifully of it.
+
+"Humph!" he replied, with his mouth full, "it's very good food for
+hogs!"
+
+"Then let me help you to some mair o' 't," said the lady, helping him
+bountifully.
+
+
+=Helping Business=
+
+Prof. James Gregory, perhaps the most celebrated physician of his day,
+but who, in popular estimation, is dolefully remembered as the inventor
+of a nauseous compound known as Gregory's Mixture. He was a tall and
+very handsome man, and stately and grave in all his manners, but,
+withal, with a touch of Scotch humor in him. One evening, walking home
+from the university, he came upon a street row or bicker, a sort of
+town-and-gown-riot very common in those days. Observing a boy
+systematically engaged in breaking windows, he seized him, and inquired,
+in the sternest voice, what he did that for.
+
+"Oh," was the reply, "my master's a glazier, and I'm trying to help
+business."
+
+"Indeed. Very proper; very proper, my boy," Dr. Gregory answered, and,
+as he proceeded to maul him well with his cane, "you see I must follow
+your example. I'm a doctor, and must help business a little." And with
+that, he gave a few finishing whacks to the witty youth, and went off
+chuckling at having turned the tables on the glazier's apprentice.
+
+
+=Sandy Wood's Proposal of Marriage=
+
+When proposing to his future wife's father for his daughter, the old
+gentleman took a pinch of snuff and said, "Weel, Sandy, lad, I've
+naething again' ye, but what have ye to support a wife on?"
+
+Sandy's reply was to pull a case of lancets out of his pocket with the
+remark, "These!"
+
+
+=Rival Anatomists in Edinburgh University=
+
+Perhaps the most eminent teacher of anatomy in Edinburgh, or in Britain,
+early in this century, was Dr. Robert Knox. He was a man abounding in
+anything but the milk of human kindness towards his professional
+brethren, and if people had cared in those days to go to law about
+libels, it is to be feared Knox would have been rarely out of a court of
+law. Personality and satirical allusions were ever at his tongue's end.
+After attracting immense classes his career came very suddenly to a
+close. Burke and Hare, who committed such atrocious murders to supply
+the dissecting-room with "subjects" were finally discovered, and one of
+them executed--the other turning king's evidence. Knox's name got mixed
+up with the case, being supposed to be privy to these murders, though
+many considered him innocent. The populace, however, were of a
+different opinion. Knox's house was mobbed, and though he braved it out,
+he never after succeeded in regaining popular esteem. He was a splendid
+lecturer, and a man, who, amid all his self-conceit and malice, could
+occasionally say a bitingly witty thing.
+
+It is usual with lecturers at their opening lecture to recommend
+text-books, and accordingly Knox would commence as follows: "Gentlemen,
+there are no text-books I can recommend. I wrote one myself, but it is
+poor stuff. I can't recommend it. The man who knows most about a subject
+writes worst on it. If you want a good text-book on any subject,
+recommend me to the man who knows nothing earthly about the subject. The
+result is that we have no good text-book on anatomy. We _will_ have
+soon, however--Prof. Monro is going to write one."
+
+That was the finale, and, of course, brought down the house, when, with
+a sinister expression on his face, partly due to long sarcasm, and
+partly to the loss of an eye, he would bow himself out of the
+lecture-room.
+
+The Prof. Monro referred to by Knox was the professor of anatomy of
+Edinburgh University, and the _third_ of that name who had filled the
+chair for one hundred and twenty years. He succeeded his father and
+grandfather, as if by right of birth--and if it was not by that right he
+had no other claim to fill that chair.
+
+Knox lectured at a different hour from Monro, namely, exactly five
+minutes after the conclusion of the latter's lecture. Accordingly the
+students tripped over from Monro to Knox, greatly to the annoyance, but
+in no way to the loss of the former. It may well be supposed that during
+their forced attendance on Monro's lectures they did not spend much time
+in listening to what he had to say. In fact they used to amuse
+themselves during the hour of his lecture, and always used to organize
+some great field days during the session. So lazy was Monro that he was
+in the habit of using his grandfather's lectures, written more than one
+hundred years before. They were--as was the fashion then--written in
+Latin, but his grandson gave a free translation as he proceeded,
+without, however, taking the trouble to alter the dates. Accordingly, in
+1820 or 1830, students used to be electrified to hear him slowly
+drawling out, "When I was in Padua in 1694--" This was the signal for
+the fun to begin. On the occasion when this famous speech was known to
+be due, the room was always full, and no sooner was it uttered than
+there descended showers of peas on the head of the devoted professor,
+who, to the end of his life could never understand what it was all
+about. [19]
+
+
+="Discretion--the Better Part of Valor"=
+
+A spirited ballad was written on the Jacobite victory at Prestonpans by
+a doughty Haddingtonshire farmer of the name of Skirving, in which he
+distributed his praise and blame among the combatants in the most
+impartial manner. Among others, he accused one "Lieutenant Smith, of
+Irish birth," of leaping over the head of "Major Bowie, that worthy
+soul," when lying wounded on the ground, and escaping from the field,
+instead of rendering the assistance for which the sufferer called.
+Smith, being aggrieved, sent the author a challenge to meet him at
+Haddington. "Na, na," said the worthy farmer, who was working in his
+field when the hostile message reached him, "I have no time to gang to
+Haddington, but tell Mr. Smith to come here, and I'll tak' a look at
+him. If he's a man about my ain size, I'll ficht him; but if he's muckle
+bigger and stronger, I'll do just as he did--I'll run awa'!"
+
+
+=Losing His Senses=
+
+A census taker tells the following story: The first difficulty I
+experienced was with Old Ronaldson. He was always a little queer, as old
+bachelors often are. As I left the census paper with him, he held the
+door in one hand while he took the paper from me in the other. I said I
+would call again for the paper. "Ye needn't trouble yourself!" said he,
+in a very ill-natured tone; "I'll not be bothered with your papers."
+However, I did not mind him much; for I thought when he discovered that
+the paper had nothing to do with taxes he would feel more comfortable,
+and that he would fill it up properly.
+
+The only person whom Old Ronaldson allowed near him was Mrs. Birnie; she
+used to put his house in order and arrange his washing: for Ronaldson
+was an old soldier; and although he had a temper, he was perfect in his
+dress and most orderly in all his household arrangements. When Mrs.
+Birnie went in her usual way to his house on the morning referred to,
+the old gentleman was up and dressed; but he was in a terrible temper,
+flurried and greatly agitated.
+
+"Good morning, sir," said Mrs. Birnie--I had the particular words from
+her own lips--"Good morning," said she; but Old Ronaldson, who was as a
+rule extremely polite to her, did not on this occasion reply. His
+agitation increased. He fumbled in all his pockets; pulled out and in
+all the drawers of his desk; turned the contents of an old chest out on
+the floor--all the time accompanying his search with muttered
+imprecations, which at length broke into a perfect storm.
+
+Mrs. Birnie had often seen Mr. Ronaldson excited before, but she had
+never seen him in such a state as this. At length he approached an old
+bookcase and, after looking earnestly about and behind it, he suddenly
+seized and pulled it toward him, when a lot of old papers fell on the
+floor, and a perfect cloud of dust filled the room. Mrs. Birnie stood
+dumbfounded. At length the old gentleman, covered with dust and
+perspiring with his violent exertions, sat down on the corner of his
+bed, and in a most wretched tone of voice said: "Oh, Mrs. Birnie, don't
+be alarmed, but I've lost my _senses_!"
+
+"I was just thinking as much myself," said Mrs. Birnie; and off she ran
+to my house at the top of her speed. "Oh, Mr. M'Lauchlin," said she,
+"come immediately--come this very minute; for Old Ronaldson's clean mad.
+He's tearing his hair, and cursing in a manner most awful to hear; and
+worse than that--he's begun to tear down the house about himself. Oh,
+sir, come immediately, and get him put in a strait jacket."
+
+Of course I at once sent for old Dr. Macnab, and asked him to fetch a
+certificate for an insane person with him. Now, old Dr. Macnab is a
+cautious and sensible man. His bald head and silvery hair, his beautiful
+white neck-cloth and shiny black coat, not to speak of his silver-headed
+cane and dignified manner, all combined to make our doctor an authority
+in the parish.
+
+"Ay, ay," said the good doctor, when he met me; "I always feared the
+worst about Mr. Ronaldson. Not good for man to be alone, sir. I always
+advised him to take a wife. Never would take my advice. You see the
+result, Mr. M'Lauchlin. However, we must see the poor man."
+
+When we arrived, we found all as Mrs. Birnie had said; indeed by this
+time matters had become worse and worse, and a goodly number of the
+neighbors were gathered. One old lady recommended that the barber should
+be sent for to shave Ronaldson's head. This was the least necessary, as
+his head, poor fellow, was already as bald and smooth as a ball of
+ivory. Another kind neighbor had brought in some brandy, and Old
+Ronaldson had taken several glasses, and pronounced it capital; which
+everyone said was a sure sign "he was coming to himself." One of his
+tender-hearted neighbors, who had helped herself to a breakfast cupful
+of this medicine, was shedding tears profusely, and as she kept rocking
+from side to side, nursing her elbows, she cried bitterly: "Poor Mr.
+Ronaldson's lost his senses!"
+
+The instant Dr. Macnab appeared, Old Ronaldson stepped forward, shook
+him warmly by the hand, and said: "I'm truly glad to see you, doctor.
+You will soon put it all right. I have only lost my _senses_--that's
+all! That's what all these women are making this row about."
+
+"Let me feel your pulse," said the doctor gently.
+
+"Oh, nonsense, doctor," cried Ronaldson--"nonsense; I've only lost my
+_senses_." And he made as if he would fly at the heap of drawers, dust,
+and rubbish which lay in the centre of the floor, and have it all raked
+out again.
+
+"Oh, lost your senses, have you?" said the doctor with a bland smile.
+"You'll soon get over that--that's a trifle." But he deliberately pulled
+out his big gold repeater and held Ronaldson by the wrist. "Just as I
+feared. Pulse ninety-five, eye troubled, face flushed, muckle
+excitement," etc. So there and then, Old Ronaldson was doomed. I did not
+wish a painful scene; so, when I got my certificate signed by the
+doctor, I quietly slipped out, got a pair of horses and a close
+carriage, and asked Mr. Ronaldson to meet me, if he felt able, at the
+inn in half an hour, as I felt sure a walk in the open air would do him
+good. He gladly fell in with this plan, and promised to be with me at
+noon certain.
+
+As I have said, he is an old soldier, was an officer's servant in fact,
+and is a most tidy and punctual person. But old Mrs. Birnie had, with
+much thoughtfulness, the moment he began to make preparations for this,
+put his razors out of the way. Hereupon he got worse and worse, stamped
+and stormed, and at last worked himself into a terrible passion. I grew
+tired waiting at the inn, and so returned, and found him in a sad state.
+When he saw me, he cried: "Oh, Mr. M'Lauchlin, the deil's in this house
+this day."
+
+"Very true," said Mrs. Birnie to me in an aside. "You see, sir, he
+speaks sense--whiles."
+
+"Everything has gone against me this day," he went on; "but," said he,
+"I'll get out of this if my beard never comes off. Hand me my Wellington
+boots, Mrs. Birnie; I hope you have not swallowed them, too!"
+
+The moment Ronaldson began to draw on his boots, affairs changed as if
+by magic. "There," cried he triumphantly--"There is that confounded
+paper of yours which has made all this row! See, Mrs. Birnie," he
+exclaimed, flourishing my census paper in his hand; "_I've found my
+senses_!"
+
+"Oh," cried the much affected widow, "I am glad to hear it," and in her
+ecstatic joy she rushed upon the old soldier, took his head to her
+bosom, and wept for joy. I seized the opportunity to beat a hasty
+retreat, and left the pair to congratulate each other upon the happy
+finding of Old Ronaldson's _senses_.
+
+
+=It's a Gran' Nicht=
+
+The following is a fine comic sketch of an interview between a Scotch
+peasant lover and "Kirsty," his sweetheart, who was only waiting for him
+to speak. It is in fine contrast with the confident, rushing away in
+which that sort of thing is done in other countries.
+
+The young lover stands by the cottage gable in the fading light,
+declaring, "It's a gran' nicht!" Ever so often he says it, yet he feels
+its grandeur not at all, for the presence of something grander or
+better, I suppose--the maiden, Kirsty Grant. Does he whisper soft
+somethings of her betterness, I wonder, while thus he lingers? His only
+communication is the important fact, "It's a gran' nicht." He would
+linger, blessed in her presence, but the closing day warns him to be
+gone. It will be midnight before he can reach his village home miles
+away. Yet was it sweet to linger. "It's a very gran' nicht, but I maun
+haist awa'. Mither 'ill be wunnerin'," said he.
+
+"'Deed, ye'll hae tae draw yer feet gey fast tae win hame afore the
+Sabbath; sae e'en be steppin'," she answered, cooly.
+
+"It's gran'!" said he; "I wish ilka Saiturday nicht was lik' this ane."
+
+"Wi' ye, Saiturday nicht shud maist be lik' Sunday morn, if ye bevil it
+richt," said she, with a toss of her head, for she rightly guessed that
+somehow the lad's pleasure was referable to herself. "I maun shut up the
+coo."
+
+"Good-nicht!" said he.
+
+"Good-nicht!" said she, disappearing.
+
+He stepped away in the muirland, making for home. "Isn't she smairt?"
+said he to himself; "man, isn't she smairt? Said she, 'Saiturday nicht
+shud aye be wi' ye lik' Sunday morn, if ye beviled it richt!' Was it na
+a hint for me? Man, I wish I daur spaik oot to her!"
+
+
+=A Highlander on Bagpipes=
+
+Mr. Barclay, an eminent Scotch artist, was engaged in painting a
+Highland scene for Lord Breadalbane, in which his lordship's handsome
+piper was introduced. When the artist was instructing him as to
+attitude, and that he must maintain an appearance at once of animation
+and ease by keeping up a conversation, the latter replied that he would
+do his best, and commenced as follows:
+
+"Maister Parclay, ye read yer Bible at times, I _suppone_ (suppose),
+sir?"
+
+"Oh, yes."
+
+"Weel, Maister Parclay, if ye do tat, sir, ten you've read te third and
+fifth verses of te third chapter of Daniel, when te princes, te
+governors, te captains, te judges, te treasurers, te counsellors, te
+sheriffs and all te rulers of te provinces were gathered together into
+te dedication of te image tat Nebuchadnezzar, te king, had set up, and
+tey were told tat whenever tey began to hear te sound of te cornet,
+flute, harp, sackbut, dulcimer, and all kinds of music, tey were to fall
+down and worship te golden image that Nebuchadnezzar, te king, had set
+up. I tell ye, Maister Parclay, if tey had a Hielandman, wi' his pipes
+tere, tat nonsense would not hae happened. Na, na, he would hae sent tem
+a' fleeing. It would hae been wi' tem as Bobby Burns said, 'Skirl up to
+Bangor, for ye maun a' come back to te bagpipe at last.'"
+
+
+=Walloping Judas=
+
+The late Dr. Adamson, of Cupar-Fife, colleague to Dr. Campbell, father
+to the lord chancellor of that name, at a late Saturday night supper was
+about to depart, alleging that he must prepare for the Sunday service.
+For two previous Sundays he had been holding forth on Judas Iscariot,
+and a member of his congregation, who sat at the table detained him
+with: "Sit down, doctor, sit down; there's nae need for ye to gang awa';
+just gie Judas another wallop in the tow."
+
+
+="'Alice' Brown, the Jaud!"=
+
+An old offender was, some years ago, brought up before a well-known
+Glasgow magistrate. The constable, as a preliminary, informed his
+bailieship that he had in custody John Anderson, _alias_ Brown, _alias_
+Smith. "Very weel," said the magistrate, with an air of dignity, "I'll
+try the women first. Bring in Alice Brown! what has she been about, the
+jaud?"
+
+
+=Earning His Dismissal=
+
+Dean Ramsay tells an amusing story of the cool self-sufficiency of the
+young Scottish domestic--a boy who, in a very quiet, determined way,
+made his exit from a house into which he had lately been introduced. He
+had been told that he should be dismissed if he broke any of the china
+that was under his charge.
+
+On the morning of a great dinner party he was entrusted (rather rashly)
+with a great load of plates, which he was to carry upstairs from the
+kitchen to the dining-room, and which were piled up and rested upon his
+two hands.
+
+In going upstairs his foot slipped, and the plates were broken to atoms.
+He at once went up to the drawing-room, put his head in at the door, and
+shouted, "The plates are a' smashed, and I'm awa'!" [7]
+
+
+=Paris and Peebles Contrasted=
+
+In the memoir of Robert Chambers, by his brother William, allusion is
+made to the exceedingly quiet town of Peebles, their birthplace, and the
+strong local attachments of the Scottish people. An honest old burgher
+of the town was enabled by some strange chance to visit Paris, and was
+eagerly questioned, when he came back, as to the character of that
+capital of capitals; to which he answered that, "Paris, a' things
+considered, was a wonderful place; but still, Peebles for pleasure!"
+
+
+=Short Measure=
+
+An old woman who had made a great deal of money by selling whiskey was
+visited when on her death-bed by her minister, to whom she spake, as is
+usual on such occasions, about her temporal as well as her spiritual
+affairs. As to her temporalities, they seemed to be in a very
+flourishing condition, for she was dying worth a very large sum of
+money.
+
+"And so, Molly," said the minister, "you tell me you are worth so much
+money?"
+
+"Indeed, minister," replied Molly, "I am."
+
+"And you tell me, too," continued the minister, "that you made all that
+money by filling the noggin?"
+
+"Na, na, minister," said the dying woman; "I didna tell you _that_. I
+made the maist of it by _not_ filling the noggin."
+
+
+=Two Views of a Divine Call=
+
+Of Scotland's great preacher, the late Rev. Dr. Macleod, the following
+is told: In visiting his Dalkeith parishioners to say farewell, he
+called on one of those sharp-tongued old ladies whose privileged gibes
+have added so much to the treasury of Scottish humor.
+
+To her he expressed his regret at leaving his friends at Dalkeith, but
+stated that he considered his invitation to Glasgow in the light of "a
+call from the Lord."
+
+"Ay, ay," was the sharp response; "but if the Lord hadna called you to a
+better steepend, it might hae been lang gin ye had heard Him!"
+
+
+=A Scotch View of Shakespeare=
+
+A Scotchman was asserting that some of the most celebrated poets and
+brightest intellects the world ever produced were descendants of his
+race, and quoted Scott, Burns, and others as evidence.
+
+An Englishman who was present retorted: "I suppose that you will claim
+next that even Shakespeare was a Scotchman."
+
+"Weel," he replied, "I'm nae so sure o' that; but ane thing I do
+ken--_he had intellect eneuch for a Scotchman_."
+
+
+="As Guid Deid as Leevin!"=
+
+There was a mixture of shrewdness and simplicity in the following:
+Shortly after the establishment of the Ministers' Widows' Fund, the
+minister of Cranshaws asked in marriage the daughter of a small farmer
+in the neighborhood.
+
+The damsel asked her father whether she should accept the clergyman's
+offer. "Oh," said the sire, "tak' him, Jenny; he's as gude deid as
+leevin." The farmer meant that his daughter would, owing to the new
+fund, be equally well off a widow as a wife.
+
+
+=The Mercy of Providence=
+
+An old minister was once visiting his hearers, and accosted a humble
+farmer who had been lazy with his crops in the wet season. "I hear,
+Jamie," said the minister, "that ye are behind with your harvest."
+
+"Oh, sir," was the reply, "I hae got it all in except three wee stacks,
+and I leave them to the mercy of Providence."
+
+
+=A Scotch Curtain Lecture on Profit and Pain=
+
+The man who said this was not an atheist, but simply a druggist--a
+Scotch druggist--who was aroused by the ringing of his night-bell. He
+arose, went downstairs, and served a customer with a dose of salts.
+
+His wife grumbled: "What profit do you get out of that penny?"
+
+"A ha'penny," was the reply.
+
+"And for that ha'penny you'll be awake a long time," rejoined the wife.
+
+"A-weel," replied the placid druggist, "the dose of salts will keep him
+awake much longer; let us thank Heaven that we have the profit and not
+the pain of the transaction."
+
+
+=A Definition of "Fou"=
+
+A gentleman recently gave an entertainment in London on the
+peculiarities of Scotchmen, in the course of which he gave this
+definition of the national word _fou_: "Being gently excited by the
+moderate use of dangerous beverages."
+
+
+=The Journeyman Dog=
+
+A gentleman, staying in the family of a sheep-farmer, remarked that
+daily as the family sat down to dinner a shepherd's dog came in,
+received its portion, and soon after disappeared.
+
+"I never see that dog except at dinner," said the visitor.
+
+"The reason is," said the farmer, "we've lent him to oor neibor, Jamie
+Nicol, and we telt him to come hame ilka day to his dinner. When he gets
+his dinner, puir beast, he gaes awa' back till his wark."
+
+
+=Church Economy=
+
+A congregation was once looking out for a minister, and after hearing a
+host of candidates with more or less popular gifts, their choice fell
+upon a sticket probationer, whose election caused great surprise in the
+country.
+
+One of the hearers was afterward asked by an eminent minister how the
+congregation could have brought themselves to select such a minister.
+
+His reply was quite characteristic: "Weel, we had twa or three
+reasons--first, naebody recommended him; then he was nae studier, and
+besides, he had money in the bank."
+
+It appeared that of the two former ministers, who had not come up to
+expectation, one of them had brought flaming testimonials, and the other
+had buried himself among his books, so that the people never saw him but
+in the pulpit, while the third reason was, perhaps the most cogent of
+all, for the people did not care to burden themselves with a too
+generous support of their pastor.
+
+In another case the minister usurped the functions of session and
+committee, and ignored the office bearers altogether. One of the elders
+observed to another one Sunday morning, as the minister was trotting up
+to the meeting-house on his smart little pony, "It's a fine wee powny
+the minister rides."
+
+"Ay," said the other, "it's a gey strange ane; it can carry minister,
+session, and committee without turnin' a hair."
+
+
+=Tired of Standing=
+
+A Paisley man, visiting Glasgow, much admired the statue of Sir John
+Moore, which is an erect figure. Soon afterwards he brought another
+Paisley man to see the statue, but not being topographically posted, he
+stared at the statue of James Watt, which is in a sitting attitude.
+Feeling somewhat puzzled as to the identity of what was before him with
+what he recollected to have seen, he disposed of the difficulty by
+exclaiming: "Odds, man, he's sat down since I last saw him!"
+
+
+=Religious Loneliness=
+
+"How is your church getting on?" asked a friend of a religious
+Scotchman, who had separated in turn from the Kirk, the Free Church, the
+United Presbyterian, and several lesser bodies.
+
+"Pretty weel, pretty weel. There's naebody belongs to it now but my
+brither and mysel', and I am sure o' Sandy's soundness."
+
+
+=Prison Piety=
+
+Every place has its advantages, even the lock-up. A Scotch "gentleman,"
+who had been guilty of some irregularity that demanded his compulsory
+withdrawal from polite society for sixty days, was asked, after his
+release, as to how he "got on."
+
+"Weel," replied he, "ye see, a body canna hae everything in this life;
+and I'm no gaun to misca' the place, no' me. For a' the time I was
+there--just twa months, note, by-the-by--I was weel proteckit frae the
+wiles o' a wickit worl' outside, while my 'bread was aye gi'en me and my
+water sure.'"
+
+
+=A Successful Tradesman=
+
+One day, during a snow storm, the Rev. George More was riding from
+Aberdeen to a village in the vicinity of the town. He was enveloped in a
+Spanish cloak, and had a shawl tied round his neck and shoulders. These
+loose garments, covered with snow, and waving in the blast, startled the
+horse of a "bag-man," who chanced to ride past. The alarmed steed
+plunged, and very nearly threw its rider, who exclaimed:
+
+"Why, sir, you would frighten the very devil!"
+
+"I am glad to hear that," said Mr. More, "for it's just my trade."
+
+
+=Multum in Parvo=
+
+A Highland porter, observing a stranger looking intently on the Rev. Dr.
+Candlish, who was of small stature, said, "Ay, tak' a gude look--there's
+no muckle _o'_ him, but there's a deal _in_ him!"
+
+
+=When Asses May Not Be Parsons=
+
+In the pulpit one-half of Dr. Guthrie's rich nature was necessarily
+restrained. He could be pathetic there, but not humorous; though we did
+once hear him begin a sermon by saying that God on one occasion used an
+ass to preach to a sinner, but that He was not in the way of using asses
+when He could get better instruments!
+
+
+=A Scotch Version of the Lives of Esau and Jacob=
+
+Within the grounds of Hamilton Palace, in the west of Scotland, is a
+mausoleum. The walls are ornamented with bas-reliefs forming Bible
+illustrations. These have been paraphrased in verse by a local bard. One
+of the series is a history of Jacob, and from it the following extracts
+are taken. The brothers are thus introduced:
+
+ When Esau and Jacob were boys,
+ A wild boy Esau was;
+ Jacob was a peaceable boy,
+ But Esau loved the chase.
+ One day from hunting he came home,
+ A hungry man was he;
+ Jacob some famous pottage had,
+ Which soon caught Esau's e'e.
+
+Rebekah instructs Jacob in the proposed deception of Isaac, but he is
+fearful of discovery. The former replies:
+
+ No fear of that, my darling son;
+ Just do as I direct--
+ I will you dress up for the scene,
+ That he will ne'er suspect.
+
+Jacob obeys:
+
+ Away he went as he was bid,
+ And quickly he them slew;
+ His mother straightway did them cook
+ And made a fav'rite stew.
+
+Isaac is suspicious of Jacob:
+
+ Then Isaac unto Jacob said,
+ "Come near to me, I pray,
+ That I may _feel_ it is the truth
+ That unto me you say."
+ Then Jacob he went unto him,
+ And he his hands did feel.
+ "The hands are Esau's hands, my son,
+ But it's like Jacob's squeal."
+
+
+="Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady"=
+
+An anecdote is told of Professor Haldane, of St. Andrews, one of the
+most estimable of men, yet, in spite of a pleasing person, a genial
+manner, a good house and a handsome competency, he was well-advanced in
+life before he could make up his mind to marry. When it was reported
+that he had fitted up his house afresh, it was supposed that he was
+going to change his state. On a given day, at an hour unusually early
+for a call, the good doctor was seen at the house of a lady for whom he
+had long been supposed to have a predilection, and betraying much
+excitement of manner till the door was opened.
+
+As soon as he was shown in, and saw the fair one whom he sought calmly
+engaged in knitting stockings, and not at all disturbed by his entrance,
+his courage, like that of Bob Acres, began to ooze out, and he sat
+himself down on the edge of the chair in such a state of pitiable
+confusion as to elicit the compassion of the lady in question. She could
+not understand what ailed him, but felt instinctively that the truest
+good breeding would be to take no notice of his embarrassment, and lead
+the conversation herself.
+
+Thus, then, she opened fire: "Weel, doctor, hae ye got through a' your
+papering and painting yet?" (A clearing of the throat preparatory to
+speech, but not a sound uttered.) "I'm told your new carpets are just
+beautifu'." (A further effort to clear the throat.) "They say the
+pattern o' the dining-room chairs is something quite out o' the way. In
+short, that everything aboot the house is perfect."
+
+Here was a providential opening he was not such a goose as to overlook.
+He screwed up his courage, advanced his chair, sidled toward her,
+simpering the while, raised his eyes furtively to her face, and said,
+with a gentle inflection of his voice which no ear but a wilfully deaf
+one could have misinterpreted: "Na, na, Miss J----n, it's no' _quite_
+perfect; it canna be quite that so lang as there's ae thing wanting!"
+
+"And what can that be?" said the imperturbable spinster.
+
+Utterly discomfited by her wilful blindness to his meaning, the poor man
+beat a hasty retreat, drew back his chair from its dangerous proximity,
+caught up his hat, and, in tones of blighted hope, gasped forth his
+declaration in these words; "Eh, dear! Well 'am sure! The thing wanted
+is a--a--a _sideboord_!"
+
+
+="Surely the Net is Spread in Vain in the Sight of any Bird"=
+
+ Our May had an ee to a man,
+ Nae less than the newly-placed preacher,
+ And we plotted a dainty bit plan
+ For trappin' our spiritual teacher.
+
+ Oh! but we were sly,
+ We were sly an' sleekit;
+ But, ne'er say a herrin' is dry--
+ Until it's weel reestit an' reekit.
+
+ We treated young Mr. M'Gock,
+ An' plied him wi' tea an' wi' toddy,
+ An' we praised every word that he spake,
+ Till we put him maist out o' the body.
+
+ Oh! but we were sly, etc.
+
+ Frae the kirk we were never awa',
+ Except when frae home he was helpin'
+ An' then May,--an' aften us a'--
+ Gaed far an' near after him skelpin'.
+
+ Oh! but we were sly, etc.
+
+ We said aye what the neebors thocht droll,
+ That to hear him gang through wi' a sermon
+ Was--though a wee dry on the whole--
+ As refreshin's the dew on Mount Hermon.
+
+ Oh! but we were sly, etc.
+
+ But to come to the heart o' the nit,
+ The dainty bit plan that we plotted
+ Was to get a subscription afit,
+ An' a watch to the minister voted.
+
+ Oh! but we were sly, etc.
+
+ The young women folk o' the kirk
+ By turns lent a han' in collectin',
+ But May took the feck o' the mark
+ An' the trouble the rest o' directin'.
+
+ Oh! but we were sly, etc.
+
+ A gran' watch was gotten belyve,
+ An' May, wi' sma' "priggin," consentit
+ To be ane o' a party o' five
+ To gang to the Manse an' present it.
+
+ Oh! but we were sly, etc.
+
+ We a' gied a word o' advice
+ To May in a deep consultation,
+ To hae something to say unco' nice,
+ An' to speak for the hale deputation.
+
+ Oh! but we were sly, etc.
+
+ Takin' present an' speech baith in han',
+ May delivered a bonny palaver,
+ To let Mr. M'Gock understan'
+ How zealous she was in his favor.
+
+ Oh! but we were sly, etc.
+
+ She said that the gift was to prove
+ That his female friends valued him highly,
+ But it couldna express _a'_ their love,
+ An' she glinted her ee at him slyly.
+
+ Oh! but we were sly, etc.
+
+ He put the gowd watch in his fab,
+ And proudly he said he wad wear it,
+ An' after some flatterin' gab,
+ He tauld May he was goin' to be marriet.
+
+ Oh! but we were sly,
+ We were sly and sleekit,
+ But Mr. M'Gock was nae gowk,
+ Wi' our dainty bit plan to be cheekit.
+
+ May came home wi' her heart in her mouth
+ An' frae that hour she turned a Dissenter,
+ An' noo she's renewin' her youth
+ Wi' some hopes o' the Burgher Precentor.
+
+ Oh! but she was sly,
+ She was sly and sleekit,
+ An' cleverly opens ae door
+ As sune as anither is sleekit.
+
+
+=A Highland Outburst of Gratitude and an Inburst of Hurricane=
+
+"Ah, my friends, what causes have we for gratitude--oh, yes;--for the
+deepest gratitude! Look at the place of our habitation. How grateful
+should we be that we do not leeve in the far north--oh, no!--amidst the
+frost and snaw, and the cauld and the weet--oh, no!--where there's a
+long day tae half o' the year--oh, yes!--and a lang nicht the
+tither--oh, yes!--that we do not depend upon the aurawry boreawlis--oh,
+no!--that we do net gang shivering aboot in skins--oh, no!--smoking
+amang the snow like modiwarts--oh, no! no!--And how grateful should we
+be that we do not leeve in the far south, beneath the equawtor, and a
+sun aye burnin', burnin'; where the sky's het--ah, yes!--and yearth's
+het, and the water's het, and ye're brunt black as a smiddy--ah,
+yes!--where there's teegars--oh, yes!--and lions--oh, yes!--and
+crocodiles--oh, yes!--and fearsome beasts growlin' and girnin' at ye
+amang the woods; where the very air is a fever, like the burnin' breath
+o' a fiery drawgon; that we do not leeve in these places--oh, no! no!
+no! no!--but that we leeve in this blessit island of oors callit Great
+Britain--oh, yes! yes! and in that pairt of it named Scotland, and in
+that bit o' auld Scotland that looks up at Ben Nevis--oh, yes! yes!
+yes!--where there's neither frost, nor cauld, nor wund, nor weet, nor
+hail, nor rain, nor teegars, nor lions, nor burnin' suns, nor
+hurricanes, nor----"
+
+Here a tremendous blast of wind and rain from Ben Nevis blew in the
+windows of the kirk, and brought the preacher's eloquence to an abrupt
+conclusion.
+
+
+=A Different Thing Entirely=
+
+While surveying the west coast of Scotland, Captain Robinson had
+received on board his ship the Grand Duke Constantine. As the duke could
+only remain a very short time, the captain resolved to show him as much
+as possible during his brief stay. Accordingly he steamed to Iona on a
+Sunday, believing that day especially suited for pointing out to his
+royal visitor remains associated with religion. Landing on the island he
+waited on the custodian of the ancient church with the request that he
+would open it.
+
+"Not so," said the keeper; "not on Sunday."
+
+"Do you know whom I have brought to the island?" said the captain.
+
+"He's the Emperor o' a' the Russias, I ken by the flag," responded the
+keeper; "but had it been the Queen hersel' I wadna' gi'e up the keys on
+the Lord's day."
+
+"Would you take a glass of whiskey on the Sabbath?" inquired the
+captain.
+
+"_That's a different thing entirely_," said the keeper.
+
+
+=Canny Dogs=
+
+The following is given by a Scotchman by way of illustrating the kindly
+consideration evinced by the Scottish peasantry towards the domestic
+animals--especially the shepherds to their dogs--which consequently
+become their attached companions. A minister calling to visit one of his
+flock found before the fireplace three dogs apparently asleep. At the
+sound of a whistle two rose up and walked out; the third remained still.
+
+"It is odd," said the minister, "that this dog does not get up like the
+others."
+
+"It's no astonishing ava," said the shepherd, "for it's no' his turn; he
+was oot i' the mornin'."
+
+
+=A Compliment by Return=
+
+The minister's man at Lintrathen, though sufficiently respectful, seldom
+indulges in the complimentary vein. On one occasion he handsomely
+acknowledged a compliment by returning another. The minister had got
+married, and was presented with a carriage, for which John was appointed
+to provide a horse. Driving out with his wife, the minister said to John
+in starting, "You've got us a capital horse."
+
+"Weel, sir," said John, "it's just aboot as difficult as to choose a
+gude minister's wife, and we've been lucky wi' baith."
+
+
+=Curious Sentence=
+
+Lord Eskgrove is described by Lord Cockburn, in his "_Memorials_" as a
+most eccentric personage.
+
+Cockburn heard him sentence a tailor for murdering a soldier, in these
+words: "And not only did you murder him, thereby he was berea-ved of his
+life, but you did thrust, or pierce, or push, or project, or propel the
+li-thall weapon through the belly band of his regimental breeches, which
+were his majesty's."
+
+
+=Advice to an M.P.=
+
+When Sir George Sinclair was chosen member of Parliament for his native
+county, a man came up to him and said: "Noo, Maister George, I'll gie
+ye some advice. They've made ye a Parliament man, and my advice to ye
+is, be ye aye tak-takin' what ye can get, and aye seek-seekin' until ye
+get mair."
+
+
+=Stretching It=
+
+Concerning the long-bow, no American effort can surpass one that comes
+to us from Scotland: It was told that Colonel M'Dowall, when he returned
+from the war, was one day walking along by The Nyroch, when he came on
+an old man sitting greetin' on a muckle stone at the roadside. When he
+came up, the old man rose and took off his bonnet, and said:
+
+"Ye're welcome hame again, laird."
+
+"Thank you," said the colonel; adding, after a pause, "I should surely
+know your face. Aren't you Nathan M'Culloch?"
+
+"Ye're richt, 'deed," said Nathan, "it's just me, laird."
+
+"You must be a good age, now, Nathan," says the colonel.
+
+"I'm no verra aul' yet, laird," was the reply; "I'm just turnt a
+hunner."
+
+"A hundred!" says the colonel, musing; "well, you must be all that. But
+the idea of a man of a hundred sitting blubbering that way! Whatever
+could _you_ get to cry about?"
+
+"It was my father lashed me, sir," said Nathan, blubbering again; "an'
+he put me oot, so he did."
+
+"Your father!" said the colonel; "is your father alive yet?"
+
+"Leevin! ay," replied Nathan; "I ken that the day tae my sorrow."
+
+"Where is he?" says the colonel. "What an age he must be! I would like
+to see him."
+
+"Oh, he's up in the barn there," says Nathan; "an no' in a horrid gude
+humor the noo, aither."
+
+They went up to the barn together, and found the father busy threshing
+the barley with the big flail, and tearing on fearful. Seeing Nathan and
+the laird coming in, he stopped and saluted the colonel, who, after
+inquiring how he was, asked him why he had struck Nathan.
+
+"The young rascal!" says the father, "there's nae dooin' wi' him; he's
+never oot o' mischief. I had to lick him this mornin' _for throwin'
+stanes at his grandfather_!"
+
+
+=Driving the Deevil Out=
+
+A Scotch minister, named Downes, settled in a rural district in the
+north of Ireland, where the people are more Scotch in language and
+manners than in the land o' cakes itself. One evening he and a brother
+divine set out together to take part in some religious service.
+
+Meeting one of his parishioners on the way, the latter quaintly
+observed, "Weel, Mr. Downes, you clergymen 'ill drive the deevil oot o'
+the country the nicht!"
+
+"Yes," replied the minister, "we will. _I see you are making your
+escape._"
+
+Tommy did not use the deevil's name in his pastor's presence again.
+
+
+=Mental Aberration=
+
+In Lanarkshire, Scotland, there lived, about fifty years ago, a poor
+crazy man, by name Will Shooler. Will was a regular attendant of the
+parish church in the town, on the ceiling of which there was, for
+ornament, a dove with outstretched wings. One Sabbath day, Will grew
+rather tired of the sermon, and throwing his arms and head back, he saw
+the dove, and exclaimed, "O Lord! what a big hen!"
+
+
+=Sunday Shaving and Milking=
+
+On first going to Ross-shire to visit and preach for my friend Mr.
+Carment, I asked him on the Saturday evening before retiring to rest
+whether I would get warm water in the morning. Whereupon he held up a
+warning hand, saying: "Whist, whist!"
+
+On my looking and expressing astonishment, he said, with a twinkle in
+his eye, "Speak of shaving on the Lord's day in Ross-shire, and you
+never need preach here more!"
+
+In that same county Sir Kenneth Mackenzie directed my attention to a
+servant-girl, who, if not less scrupulous, was more logical in her
+practice. She astonished her master, one of Sir Kenneth's tenants, by
+refusing to feed the cows on the Sabbath. She was ready to milk, but by
+no means feed them--and her defence shows that though a fanatic, she was
+not a fool.
+
+"The cows," she said--drawing a nice metaphysical distinction between
+what are not and what are works of necessity and mercy that would have
+done honor to a casuist--"the cows canna milk themselves; so to milk
+them is clear work of necessity and mercy; but let them out to the
+fields, and they'll feed themselves." Here certainly was _scrupulosity_;
+but the error was one that leaned to the right side. [15]
+
+
+=A Typical Quarrel=
+
+The story of the happy young couple who quarreled on the first day of
+their housekeeping life about the "rat" or the "mouse" which ran out of
+the fireplace, it seems, had its origin "long time ago" in the incident
+thus done into rhyme. The last verse explains the mysterious mistake:
+
+ John Davidson, and Tib his wife,
+ Sat toastin' their taes ae nicht,
+ When something startit in the fluir
+ And blinkit by their sicht.
+
+ "Guidwife," quoth John, "did you see that moose?
+ Whar sorra was the cat?"
+ "A moose?"--"Ay, a moose."--"Na, na, guidman,
+ It wasna a moose! 'twas a rat."
+
+ "Ow, ow, guidwife, to think ye've been
+ Sae lang aboot the hoose,
+ An' no' to ken a moose frae a rat!
+ Yan wasna a rat! 'twas a moose!"
+
+ "I've seen mair mice than you, guidman--
+ An' what think ye o' that?
+ Sae haud your tongue, an' say nae mair--
+ I tell ye, _it_ was a _rat_."
+
+ "_Me_ haud my tongue for _you_, guidwife!
+ I'll be mester o' this hoose--
+ I saw't as plain as een could see,
+ An' I tell ye, _it_ was a _moose_."
+
+ "If you're the mester of the hoose,
+ It's I'm the mistress o't;
+ An' I ken best what's in the hoose--
+ Sae I tell ye, _it_ was a _rat_."
+
+ "Weel, weel, guidwife, gae mak' the brose,
+ An' ca' it what ye please."
+ So up she rose and mad' the brose,
+ While John sat toastin' his taes.
+
+ They supit, and supit, and supit the brose,
+ And aye their lips played smack;
+ They supit, and supit, and supit the brose,
+ Till their lugs began to crack.
+
+ "Sic fules we were to fa' out, guidwife,
+ About a moose"--"A what?
+ It's a lee ye tell, an' I say again,
+ It wasna a moose, 'twas a rat."
+
+ "Wad ye ca' me a leear to my very face?
+ My faith, but ye craw crouse!
+ I tell you, Tib, I never will bear 't--"
+ "'Twas a moose"--"'Twas a rat"--"'Twas a moose."
+
+ Wi' that she struck him ower the pow--
+ "Ye dour auld doit, tak' that--
+ Gae to your bed, ye canker'd sumph--
+ 'Twas a rat."--"'Twas a moose!"--"'Twas a rat!"
+
+ She sent the brose caup at his heels
+ As he hirpled ben the hoose;
+ Yet he shoved out his head, as he steekit the door,
+ And cried, "'Twas a moose, 'twas a moose!"
+
+ But when the carle fell asleep
+ She paid him back for that,
+ And roared into his sleepin' lug,
+ "'Twas a _rat_, 'twas a rat, 'twas a RAT!"
+
+ The devil be wi' me if I think
+ It was a beast, at all--
+ Next morning, when she swepit the fluir,
+ She found wee Johnnie's ball!
+
+
+=A Ready Student=
+
+Dr. Richie, of Edinburgh, though a very clever man, once met his match.
+When examining a student as to the classes he attended, he said: "I
+understand you attend the class for mathematics?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"How many sides has a circle?"
+
+"Two," said the student.
+
+"Indeed! What are they?"
+
+"An inside and an outside."
+
+A laugh among the students followed this answer.
+
+The doctor next inquired: "And you attend the moral philosophy class,
+also?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Well, you doubtless heard lectures on various subjects. Did you ever
+hear one on 'Cause and Effect?'"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Does an effect ever go before a cause?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Give me an instance."
+
+"A barrow wheeled by a man."
+
+The doctor hastily sat down and proposed no more questions.
+
+
+=Appearing "in Three Pieces"=
+
+Wilson, the celebrated vocalist, was upset one day in his carriage near
+Edinburgh. A Scotch paper, after recording the accident, said: "We are
+happy to state he was able to appear the following evening in three
+pieces."
+
+
+="Every Man to His Own Trade"=
+
+A worthy old Scotch minister, who didn't object to put his hand to a bit
+of work when occasion required it, was one day forking sheaves in the
+stackyard to his man John, who was "biggin'." One of the wheels of the
+cart on which the minister was standing happened to be resting on a
+sheaf, and when the cart was empty his reverence said: "That's them a'
+noo, John, excep' ane 'at's aneath the wheel, an' ye'll hae to come an'
+gie's a lift up wi' the wheel ere I get it oot." "Oh," said John, "just
+drive forrit the cart a bit." "Very true, very true," rejoined the
+minister; "every man to his own trade."
+
+
+=From Different Points of View=
+
+The following anecdote is related of Sir James Mackintosh, the Scotch
+philosopher and historian, and the celebrated Dr. Parr: Sir James had
+invited the reverend doctor to take a drive in his gig. The horse became
+very restive and unmanageable. "Gently, gently, Jemmy," said the doctor,
+"pray don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, whatever you do,
+Jemmy! You'll do better without me, I am certain; so let me down,
+Jemmy--let me down." Once on _terra firma_, the doctor's views of the
+case were changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up," said he. "Never let a
+horse get the better of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him.
+And now I'll leave you to manage him--I'll walk back."
+
+
+=Speaking from "Notes"=
+
+A porter at a Scotch railway station, who had grown grey in the service,
+was one day superintending matters on the platform, when the parish
+minister stepped up to him and asked when the next train arrived from
+the south. The aged official took off his cap and carefully read the
+hour and the minute of the train from a document stuck in the crown.
+
+Somewhat surprised at this, the minister said: "Dear me, John, is your
+memory failing, or what is up with you? You used to have all these
+matters entirely by heart."
+
+"Weel, sir," said John, "I dunna ken if my memory's failin', or fat's
+up; but the fac' is I'm growin' like yersel'--I cunna manage without the
+paper."
+
+
+="Consecrated" Ground=
+
+The Police Commissioners of Broughton Ferry, near Dundee, some time
+since compelled house proprietors to lay down concrete on the footpath
+in front of their properties. An old lady, residing in a cottage,
+proudly told a friend the other day that the front of her house had been
+"consecrated up to the vera doorstep."
+
+
+=Unanswerable=
+
+When a Scotchman answers a question, he settles the matter in dispute
+once for all. On a certain occasion the question was asked: "Why was
+Mary Queen of Scots born at Linlithgow?" Sandy Kerr promptly answered:
+"Because her mither was staying there, sir;" and there actually seemed
+to be nothing more to say on the subject.
+
+
+=Practical Thrift=
+
+An admirable humorous reply, says Dean Ramsay, is recorded by a Scotch
+officer, well known and esteemed in his day for mirth and humor. Captain
+Innes, of the Guards (usually called Jack Innes by his contemporaries),
+was, with others, getting ready for Flushing or some of those
+expeditions of the great war. His commanding officer, Lord Huntly,
+remonstrated about the badness of his hat, and recommended a new one.
+"Na, na, bide a wee," said Jack. "Where we're gain', faith, there'll
+soon be mair hats nor heads." [7]
+
+
+=Fool Finding=
+
+A Scotch student, supposed to be deficient in judgment, was asked by a
+professor, in the course of his examination, how he would discover a
+fool? "By the questions he would ask," was the prompt and highly
+suggestive reply.
+
+
+=Robbing on Credit=
+
+A Scotch parson said recently, somewhat sarcastically, of a toper, that
+he put an enemy into his mouth to steal away his brains, but that the
+enemy, after a thorough search, returned without anything.
+
+
+=Going to the Doctor's and "Taking" Something=
+
+A Scotch lad was on one occasion accused of stealing some articles from
+a doctor's shop. The judge was much struck with his respectable
+appearance, and asked him why he was guilty of such a contemptible act.
+
+"Weel, ye see," replied the prisoner, "I had a bit of pain in my side,
+and my mither tauld me tae gang tae the doctor's and tak' something."
+
+"Oh, yes," said the judge, "but surely she didn't tell you to go and
+take an eight-day clock!"
+
+The prisoner was evidently nonplused, but it was only for a moment.
+Turning to the judge, a bright smile of humor stealing over his
+countenance, he replied quietly:
+
+"There's an auld proverb that says, 'Time an' the doctur cure a'
+diseases,' an' sae I thocht"--but the remainder was lost in the laughter
+of the court.
+
+
+=A Case in Which Comparisons Were Odious=
+
+The late Rev. Dr. John Hunter, the much-loved minister of the Tron
+Parish, Edinburgh, had a call one morning from one of his many poor
+parishioners, who said he had come to ask a favor. On the worthy
+minister's requesting him to specify its nature, he replied, "Weel, sir,
+it's to marry me."
+
+"Very good, John," the minister said; "let me know the place, day and
+hour, and I shall be at your service."
+
+"But, sir," the bridegroom answered, "it's the noo!" (The bride was
+waiting outside.)
+
+"Filthy and untidy as you are! No, no; go home and wash, and dress
+yourself, and then I shall be prepared to perform the ceremony."
+
+"Bless ye, sir, ye should see _her_!" was the response of the applicant.
+
+
+=Pulpit Aids=
+
+_Young Minister_: "I don't think I need put on the gown, John; it's only
+an encumbrance."
+
+_Beadle_: "Ay, sir; it makes ye mair impressive--an' ye need it a', sir,
+ye need it a'."
+
+
+=Choosing a Minister=
+
+The parish kirk of Driechtor had been rather unfortunate in its
+ministers, two of them having gone off in a decline within a twelvemonth
+of their appointment, and now, after hearing a number of candidates for
+the vacancy, the members were looking forward with keen interest to the
+meeting at which the election takes place.
+
+"Weel, Marget," asked one female parishioner of another, as they
+foregathered on the road one day, "wha are you gaun to vote for?"
+
+"I'm just thinkin' I'll vote for nane o' them. I'm no muckle o' a judge,
+an' it'll be the safest plan," was Marget's sagacious reply.
+
+"Toots, woman, if that's the way o't, vote wi' me."
+
+"An' hoo are you gaun to vote?"
+
+"I'm gaun to vote for the soundest lungs, an'll no bother us deein'
+again in a hurry."
+
+
+=Prince Albert and the Ship's Cook=
+
+During the earlier visits of the royal family to Balmoral, Prince
+Albert, dressed in a very simple manner, was crossing one of the Scotch
+lakes in a steamer, and was curious to note everything relating to the
+management of the vessel, and among other things, the cooking.
+Approaching the galley, where a brawny Highlander was attending the
+culinary matters, he was attracted by the savory odors of a compound
+known by Scotchmen as "hodge-podge," which the Highlander was preparing.
+
+"What is that?" asked the prince, who was not known to the cook.
+
+"Hodge-podge, sir," was the reply.
+
+"How is it made?" was the next question.
+
+"Why, there's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't, and carrots intil't
+and----
+
+"Yes, yes," said the prince, who had not learned that "intil't" meant
+"into it;" "but what is intil't?"
+
+"Why, there's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't, and carrots intil't
+and----"
+
+"Yes, I see, but what is intil't?"
+
+The man looked at him, and seeing the prince was serious, he replied:
+"There's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't and----"
+
+"Yes, certainly, I know," urged the inquirer; "but what is
+intil't--intil't?"
+
+"Ye daft gowk," yelled the Highlander, brandishing a large spoon, "am I
+no' telling ye what's intil't! There's mutton intil't and----"
+
+Here the interview was brought to a close by one of the prince's suite,
+who was fortunately passing, and stepped in to save his royal highness
+from being rapped over the head with the big spoon while in search of
+information from the cook.
+
+
+="To Memory 'Dear'"=
+
+"Jeems," said the laird one day to his gardener, "there was something I
+was going to ask you, but man, for the life o' me I canna mind what it
+was." "Mebbe," said Jeems, who had received no pay for three weeks,
+"mebbe," said he, "it was to spier at me fat wey I was keepin' body and
+soul thegither on the wages I wasna gettin'."
+
+
+=Good "for Nothing"--not the Goodness Worth Having=
+
+It was a wet day and Jamie Stoddart could not go out to play; Mrs.
+Stoddart, who had just cleared away the breakfast things, and was about
+to commence a big heap of ironing, noticed sighs of incipient
+restlessness in the laddie, and said; "Now, I hope you'll be a good boy
+the day, Jamie; I've an awfu' lot o' work to dae, an' I can't have you
+bothering me." "Wull ye gie me a penny if I'm awfu' guid a' day lang?"
+asked her son. "Mebbe I will," was the reply; "but would it no' be
+better to be a guid laddie just to please me?" "I'm no' sae shuir o'
+that," answered the laddie, reflectively. "Ma teacher at the schule says
+it aye better to be good even for a little, than to be guid for
+naething." He got that penny.
+
+
+="The Weaker Vessel"=
+
+The minister of a parish in Scotland was called in some time ago to
+effect a reconciliation between a fisherman of a certain village and his
+wife. After using all the arguments in his power to convince the
+offending husband that it was unmanly in him, to say the least of it, to
+strike Polly with his fist, the minister concluded: "David, you know
+that the wife is the weaker vessel, and you should have pity on her."
+
+"Weel, then," said David, sulkily, "if she's the weaker vessel she
+should carry the less sail."
+
+
+=Minding His Business=
+
+An Englishman traveling in the north of Scotland, came up to a
+macadamizer of the roads, and while he was busy breaking the road metal,
+asked him if the direction in which he was going was the way to
+Aberdeen. The laborer, glad to rest himself a little, dropped his
+hammer, and said quietly to the stranger, "Now, where cam' ye from?" The
+traveler, nettled at not receiving a direct answer, asked him, "What
+business have you with where I came from?" The macadamizer, taking up
+his hammer and beginning to resume his occupation, said, "Oh, just as
+little business as where you are gauin to!"
+
+
+="Married!"--Not "Living"=
+
+"Weel, Girzie, how are ye leevin'?" said one. "Me! I'm no leevin' at a'.
+I'm mairret!"
+
+
+=A Powerful Preacher=
+
+Shortly after a Congregational chapel had been planted in the small
+burgh of Bonnytown, an incident occurred which showed that the powers of
+its minister were appreciated in certain quarters. A boy, named Johnny
+Fordyce, had been indiscreet enough to put a sixpence in his mouth and
+accidently swallowed it. Mrs. Fordyce, concerned both for her boy and
+the sixpence, tried every means for its recovery, consulted her
+neighbors, and finally in despair called in a doctor, but without
+result. As a last resort, a woman present suggested that they should
+send for the Congregationalist "meenister." "The meenister," chorused
+mother and neighbors. "Ay, the meenister," rejoined the old dame; "od's,
+if there's ony money in him he'll sune draw it oot o' 'm!"
+
+
+=Lost Dogs=
+
+"What dogs are these, Jasper?" inquired a gentleman of a lad, who was
+dragging a couple of waspish-looking terriers along a street in
+Edinburgh. "I dinna ken, sir," replied the urchin; "they came wi' the
+railway, and they ate the direction, and dinna ken whar to gang."
+
+
+=Stratagem of a Scotch Pedlar=
+
+Early in the nineteenth century, Sandy Frazer, a native of the northern
+part of this island--who by vending of linen, which he carried around
+the country on his back, had acquired the sum of one hundred pieces of
+gold--resolving to extend his business by the addition of other wares,
+set out for London, in order to purchase them at the best advantage.
+When he had arrived within a few miles of the end of his journey, he was
+obliged to take shelter in a house of entertainment--which stood in a
+lonely part of the road--from a violent storm of wind and rain. He had
+not been there long, before he was joined by two horsemen of genteel
+appearance, who stopped on the same account. As he was in possession of
+the fire-side, they were under necessity of joining company with him, in
+order to dry themselves; which otherwise the meanness of his appearance
+would probably have prevented their doing.
+
+The new companions had not sat long, before the cheerfulness of his
+temper, and something uncommonly droll in his conversation, made them
+invite him to sup with them at their expense; where they entertained him
+so generously, that, forgetting his national prudence, he could not
+forbear shewing his treasure, as a proof of not being unworthy of the
+honor they had done him.
+
+The storm having obliged them to remain all night, they departed
+together the next morning; and as a farther mark of their regard they
+kept company with him, though he traveled on foot, till they came into a
+solitary part of the road, when, one of them, putting a pistol to his
+breast, took of him the earnings of his whole life, leaving him only a
+single piece of gold, which, by good fortune, he happened to have loose
+in his pocket. His distress at such a loss may be easily conceived:
+however, he sank not under it. A thought instantly occurred to him how
+it might possibly be retrieved, which he lost not a moment in proceeding
+to execute. He had observed that the master of the house, where he had
+met these two plunderers, seemed to be perfectly acquainted with them;
+he returned therefore thither directly, and feigned to have been taken
+suddenly ill on the road with a disorder of the bowels; called for some
+wine, which he had heated, and rendered still stronger with spice. All
+the time he was drinking it, he did nothing but pray for his late
+companions; who, he said, had not only advised him to take it, but had
+also been so generous as to give him a piece of gold (which he produced)
+to pay for it; and then, seeming to be much relieved, he lamented most
+heavily his not knowing where to return thanks to his benefactors; which
+he said, the violence of his pain had made him forget to inquire.
+
+The master of the house, to whom his guests had not mentioned the man's
+having money, that he might not expect to share it with them, never
+suspected the truth of his story, informed him without scruple, who they
+were, and where they lived. This was directly what he had schemed for.
+He crawled away till he was out of sight of the house, in order to keep
+up the deceit, when he made all the haste he could to town; and,
+inquiring for his spoilers, he had the satisfaction to hear they were
+people in trade, and of good repute for their wealth.
+
+The next morning, therefore, as soon, as he thought they were stirring,
+he went to the house of one of them, whom he found in the room where his
+merchandise was exposed for sale. The merchant instantly knew him; but,
+imagining he came on some other business (for he did not think it
+possible that he could have traced him, or even that he could know him
+in his altered appearance) asked him in the usual way what he wanted.
+
+"I want to speak wi' ye in private, sir," he answered, getting between
+him and the door; and then, on the merchant's affecting surprise--"In
+gude troth, sir," he continued, "I think it is somewhat strange that ye
+shud na ken Sandy, who supped with ye the neeght before the laust, after
+au the kindness ye shewed to him." Then lowering his voice, so as not to
+be overheard by the people present, he told him, with a determined
+accent, that if he did not instantly return him his money, he would
+apply to a magistrate for redress.
+
+This was a demand which admitted not of dispute. The money was paid him,
+gratuity for having lent it, and his receipt taken to that effect; after
+which he went directly to the other, upon whom he made a like successful
+demand.
+
+
+=The Highlander and the Angels=
+
+A genuine Highlander was one day looking at a print from a picture by
+one of the old masters, in which angels were represented blowing
+trumpets. He inquired if the angels played on trumpets, and being
+answered in the affirmative, made the following pithy remark:
+
+"Hech, sirs, but they maun be pleased wi' music. I wonder they dinna
+borrow a pair o' bagpipes!"
+
+
+=One Side of Scotch Humor=
+
+Charles Lamb was present at a party of North Britons, where a son of
+Burns was expected, and he happened to drop a remark that he wished it
+were the father instead of the son, when four of the Scotchmen started
+up at once, saying that it was impossible, because he (the father) was
+dead.
+
+
+=Reproving a Miser=
+
+Lord Braco was his own factor and collected his own rents, in which
+duties he is said to have been so rigorously exact that a farmer, being
+one rent-day deficient in a single farthing, he caused him to trudge to
+a considerable distance to procure that little sum before he would grant
+a discharge. When the business was adjusted, the countryman said to his
+lordship, "Now, Braco, I wad gie ye a shilling for a sight o' a' the
+gowd and siller ye hae." "Weel, man," answered the miser, "it's no cost
+ye ony mair"; and he exhibited to the farmer several iron boxes full of
+gold and silver coin. "Now," said the farmer, "I'm as rich as yourself,
+Braco." "Ay, man," said his lordship, "how can that be?" "Because I've
+seen it," replied the countryman, "and ye can do nae mair."
+
+
+=A Shrewd Reply=
+
+Sir Walter Scott says that the alleged origin of the invention of cards
+produced one of the shrewdest replies he had ever heard given in
+evidence. It was by the late Dr. Gregory, of Edinburgh, to a counsel of
+great eminence at the Scottish bar. The doctor's testimony went to prove
+the insanity of the party whose mental capacity was the point at issue.
+On a cross-interrogation he admitted that the person in question played
+admirably at whist. "And do you seriously say, doctor," said the learned
+counsel, "that a person having a superior capacity for a game so
+difficult, and which requires in a pre-eminent degree, memory, judgment
+and combination, can be at the same time deranged in his understanding?"
+"I am no card player," said the doctor, with great address, "but I have
+read in history that cards were invented for the amusement of an insane
+king." The consequences of this reply were decisive.
+
+
+=Two Good Memories=
+
+A simple Highland girl, on her way home for the north, called as she
+passed by Crieff upon an old master with whom she had formerly served.
+Being kindly invited by him to share in the family dinner, and the usual
+ceremony of asking a blessing having been gone through, the poor girl,
+anxious to compliment, as she conceived, her ancient host, exclaimed:
+"Ah, master, ye maun hae a grond memory, for that's the grace ye had
+when I was wi' you seven years ago."
+
+
+=Compensation=
+
+A venerable Scotch minister used to say to any of his flock who were
+laboring under affliction: "Time is short, and if your cross is heavy
+you have not far to carry it."
+
+
+=Fowls and Ducks!=
+
+A Scotchman giving evidence at the bar of the House of Lords in the
+affair of Captain Porteous, and telling of the variety of shot which was
+fired upon that unhappy occasion, was asked by the Duke of Newcastle
+what kind of shot it was? "Why," said the man in his broad dialect, "sic
+as they shoot fools (fowls) wi' an' the like." "What kind of fools?"
+asked the duke, smiling at the word. "Why, my lord, dukes (ducks) and
+sic' kin' o' fools."
+
+
+=Square-Headed=
+
+A learned Scottish lawyer being just called to the Bench, sent for a new
+tie-wig. The peruquier, on applying his apparatus in one direction was
+observed to smile; upon which the judge desired to know what ludicrous
+circumstance gave rise to his mirth? The barber replied that he could
+not but remark the extreme _length_ of his honor's head. "That's well,"
+said Lord S----, "we lawyers have occasion for _long heads_!" The
+barber, who by this time had completed the dimensions, now burst out
+into a fit of laughter; and an explanation being insisted on, at last
+declared that he could not possibly contain himself when he discovered
+that "_his lordship's head was just as thick as it was long_!"
+
+
+=Refusing Information=
+
+Two Scotchmen met the other day on one of the bridges of Glasgow, one of
+them having in his hand a very handsome fowling-piece, when the
+following dialogue ensued: "Ods, mon, but that's a bonny gun." "Ay, deed
+is it." "Whaur did you get it?" "Owre by there." "And wha's it for?"
+"D'ye ken the yeditor of the Glasgow _Herald_?" "Ou ay." "Weel, it's nae
+for him."
+
+
+=Sabbath Breaking=
+
+The following anecdote is told in illustration of the Scotch veneration
+for the Sabbath: A geologist, while in the country, and having his
+pocket hammer with him, took it out and was chipping the rock by the
+wayside for examination. His proceedings did not escape the quick eye
+and ready tongue of an old Scotchwoman. "What are you doing there, man?"
+"Don't you see? I'm breaking a stone." "Y'are doing mair than that;
+y'are breaking the Sabbath."
+
+
+=Highland Simplicity=
+
+On one occasion a young girl fresh from the West Highlands came on a
+visit to a sister she had residing in Glasgow. At the outskirts of the
+town she stopped at a toll-bar, and began to rap smartly with her
+knuckles on the gate. The keeper, amused at the girl's action, and
+curious to know what she wanted, came out, when she very demurely
+interrogated him as follows:
+
+"Is this Glasco?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Is Peggy in?"
+
+
+=The Fall of Adam and Its Consequences=
+
+As might have been expected, perhaps, Dean Ramsay is especially copious
+in clerical stories and those trenching on theological topics. He tells
+us how a man who was asked what Adam was like, first described our
+general forefather somewhat vaguely as "just like ither fouk." Being
+pressed for a more special description, he likened him to a
+horse-couper known to himself and the minister. "Why was Adam like that
+horse-couper?" "Weel," replied the catechumen, "naebody got onything by
+him, and mony lost."
+
+
+=Remarkable Presence of Mind=
+
+A well-known parsimonious Scottish professor was working one day in his
+garden in his ordinary beggarlike attire, and was alarmed to see the
+carriage of the great man of the parish whirling rapidly along the road
+to his house. It was too late to attempt a retreat, and get himself put
+in order to receive "my lord." To retreat was impossible; to remain
+there and as he was, to be shamed and disgraced. With a promptitude
+seldom or never surpassed, he struck his battered hat down on his
+shoulders, drew up his hands into the sleeves of his ragged coat, stuck
+out his arms at an acute angle, planted his legs far apart, and throwing
+rigidity into all his form, stood thus in the potato ground, the very
+beau-ideal of what in England is called a "scarecrow," in Scotland "a
+potato-bogle," never suspected by the visitors as they drove up to the
+front entrance, while he made for the back door to don his best suit.
+
+
+=Beginning Life Where He Ought to Have Ended, and Vice Versa=
+
+A worthy Scotch couple, when asked how their son had broken down so
+early in life, gave the following explanation: "When we began life
+together we worked hard and lived on porridge, and such like; gradually
+adding to our comforts as our means improved, until we were able to dine
+off a bit of roast beef, and sometimes a boiled chickie (chicken); but
+Jack, our son, he worked backwards and began with the chickie first."
+
+
+=How to Exterminate Old Thieves=
+
+The humorous, but stern criminal judge, Lord Braxfield, had a favorite
+maxim which he used frequently to repeat: "Hang a thief when he's young,
+and he'll no steal when he's auld."
+
+
+=A Sympathetic Hearer=
+
+An old minister in the Cheviots used, when excited in the pulpit, to
+raise his voice to a loud half-whimper, half-whine. One day a shepherd
+had brought with him a young collie, who became so thrilled by the high
+note of the preacher that he also broke out into a quaver so like the
+other that the minister stopped short. "Put out that collie," he said,
+angrily. The shepherd, equally angry, seized the animal by the neck, and
+as he dragged him down the aisle, sent back the growling retort at the
+pulpit, "It was yersel' begond it!"
+
+
+=Ginger Ale=
+
+A short time since, a bailie of Glasgow invited some of his
+electioneering friends to a dinner, during which the champagne
+circulated freely, and was much relished by the honest bodies; when one
+of them, more fond of it than the rest, bawled out to the servant who
+waited, "I say, Jock, gie us some mair o' that _ginger yill_, will ye?"
+
+
+=A Conditional Promise=
+
+At Hawick, the people used to wear wooden clogs, which made a _clanking_
+noise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by her
+bedside, who said to her: "Weel, Jenny, ye are gaun to heaven, and gin
+ye should see our folk, ye can tell them that we're all weel." To which
+Jenny replied: "Weel, gin I should see them, I'se tell 'em. But you
+maunna expect that I'se to gang clank, clanking thro heaven looking for
+your folk."
+
+
+=Scripture Examination=
+
+An old schoolmaster, who usually heard his pupils once a week through
+Watts' Scripture History, and afterwards asked them promiscuously such
+questions as suggested themselves to his mind, one day desired a young
+urchin to tell him who Jesse was; when the boy briskly replied, "The
+Flower of Dunblane, sir."
+
+
+=A Minor Major=
+
+Lord Annandale, one of the Scotch judges, had a son, who, at the age of
+eleven or twelve, rose to the rank of a major. One morning his lady
+mother, hearing a noise in the _nursery_, rang to know the cause of it.
+"It's only," said the servant, "the major greetin' (crying) for his
+porridge!"
+
+
+=A Cute Way of Getting an Old Account=
+
+An old Scotch grave-digger was remonstrated with one day at a funeral
+for making a serious over-charge for digging a grave. "Weel, ye see,
+sir," said the old man, in explanation, making a motion with his thumb
+towards the grave, "him and me had a bit o' a tift twa-three years syne
+owre the head of a watch I selt him, an' I've never been able to get the
+money oot o' him yet. 'Now,' says I to myself, 'this is my last chance,
+an' I'll better tak' it.'"
+
+
+="Hearers Only--Not Doers"=
+
+Could anything be better than the improvement of a minister of Arran,
+who was discoursing on the carelessness of his flock? "Brethren, when
+you leave the church, just look down at the duke's swans; they are vera
+bonny swans, an' they'll be sooming about an' dooking doon their heads
+and laving theirsels wi' the clean water till they're a' drookit; then
+you'll see them sooming to the shore, an' they'll gie their wings a bit
+flap an' they're dry again. Now, my friends, you come here every
+Sabbath, an' I lave you a' ower wi' the Gospel till you are fairly
+drookit wi't. But you just gang awa hame, an' sit doon by your fireside,
+gie your wings a bit flap, an' ye're as dry as ever again."
+
+
+=The Chieftain and the Cabby=
+
+The following story illustrates the disadvantage of having an article in
+common use called after one's own name. The chief of the clan McIntosh
+once had a dispute with a cabman about his fare. "Do you know who I
+am?" indignantly exclaimed the Highlander; "I am the McIntosh."
+
+"I don't care if you are an umbrella," replied the cabby; "I'll have my
+rights."
+
+
+=Not All Profit=
+
+A humorous minister of Stirling, hearing that one of his hearers was
+about to be married for the third time, said to him: "They tell me,
+John, you are getting money wi' her; you did so on the last two
+occasions; you'll get quite rich by your wives."
+
+"'Deed, sir," quietly replied John, "what wi' bringin' them in and
+puttin' them out, there's nae muckle be made of them."
+
+
+=Pie, or Patience?=
+
+A little Scotch boy, aged five, was taking dinner at his grandfather's
+and had reached the dessert. "I want some pie," said young Angus.
+
+"Have patience," said his grandmother.
+
+"Which would you rather have, Angus," said grandfather; "patience or
+pie?"
+
+"Pie," replied Angus, emphatically.
+
+"But then," said his grandfather, "there might not be any left for me."
+
+"Well," said Angus, "you have some of patience."
+
+
+=How to Treat a Surplus=
+
+In a school in Aberdeenshire, one day, a dull boy was making his way to
+his master for the third time with an arithmetical question. The
+teacher, a little annoyed, exclaimed, "Come, come, John, what's the
+matter now?"
+
+"I canna get ma question richt," replied the boy.
+
+"What's wrong with it, this time?"
+
+"I've gotten auchteenpence ower muckle."
+
+"Never mind," said a smart boy, in a loud whisper, with a sly glance at
+the master, "keep it tae yersel', Jock."
+
+
+=Landseer's Deadly Influence=
+
+An amusing incident took place during one of Landseer's early visits to
+Scotland. In the course of his journey he stopped at a village, and as
+his habit was, took great notice of the many dogs, jotting down
+sketches of such as took his fancy most. On the next day he continued
+his journey. As he passed through the village, Landseer was surprised
+and horrified to see dogs of all kinds, some of which he recognized,
+hanging dead from trees or railings on every side. Presently he saw a
+boy, who, with tears in his eyes, was hurrying a young pup towards the
+river to drown it. He questioned the urchin, and to his surprise found
+that the villagers looked upon him as an excise-officer, who was taking
+notes of the dogs with a view to prosecute the owners of such as had not
+paid their tax.
+
+
+=Trying One Grave First=
+
+An old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the bedside of his wife who
+was dying. She took him by the hand and said: "Weel, John, we're gowin'
+to part. I have been a gude wife to you, John." "Oh, just middling,
+Jenny, just middlin'," said John, not disposed to commit himself.
+"John," says she, "ye maun promise to bury me in the auld kirkyard at
+Str'avon, beside my mither. I could'na rest in peace among unco' folk,
+in the dirt and smoke o' Glasgow." "Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman," said
+John, soothingly, "we'll just try ye in Glasgow first, an' gin ye dinna
+lie quiet, we'll try you in Str'avon." [8]
+
+
+="Capital Punishment"--Modified=
+
+Two Scotchmen, turning the corner of a street rather sharply, come into
+collision. The shock was stunning to one of them. He pulled off his hat,
+and, laying his hand on his forehead, said: "Sic a blow! My heed's a'
+ringin' again!"
+
+"Nae wonder," said his companion; "your head was aye empty--that makes
+it ring. My heed disna ring a bit."
+
+"How could it ring," said the other, "seeing it was crackit?"
+
+
+=Matter More Than Manner=
+
+Norman M'Leod was once preaching in a district in Ayrshire, where the
+reading of a sermon is regarded as the greatest fault of which the
+minister can be guilty. When the congregation dispersed an old woman,
+overflowing with enthusiasm, addressed her neighbor. "Did ye ever hear
+onything sae gran'? Wasna that a sermon?" But all her expressions of
+admiration being met by a stolid glance, she shouted: "Speak, woman!
+Wasna that a sermon?" "Ou ay," replied her friend sulkily; "but he read
+it." "Read it!" said the other, with indignant emphasis. "I wadna care
+if he had whistled it."
+
+
+=Curious Use of a Word=
+
+The word "honest" has in Scotland a peculiar application, irrespective
+of any integrity of moral character. It is a kindly mode of referring to
+an individual, as we would say to a stranger: "Honest man, would you
+tell me the way to----?" or as Lord Hermand, when about to sentence a
+woman for stealing, began remonstratively; "Honest woman, what gar'd ye
+steal your neighbor's tub?"
+
+
+=Finding Work for His Class, While He Dined=
+
+A clergyman in Scotland, who had appointed a day for the catechising of
+some of his congregation, happened to receive an invitation to dinner
+for the same day, and having forgotten his previous engagement, he
+accepted it. Just as he was mounting his gig to depart, he perceived the
+first of his class entering his garden, and the remainder coming over
+the hill, and at once became aware of the mistake he had made. Here was
+a fix. But the minister's ready wit soon came to his assistance.
+
+"What have you come for, John?" he asked, addressing the first comer.
+
+"An' dee ye no' remember, sir, ye bade us come to be catecheesed?"
+
+"Ou, ay; weel, no' to keep ye going further, John, was it a hoorned coo
+or a hemmel that Noah took into the ark?"
+
+"'Deed, sir, I canna tell."
+
+"Weel, turn back and ask the ither folk the same question, and if they
+canna answer it, bid them go home and find oot."
+
+
+=The Value of a Laugh in Sickness=
+
+Dr. Patrick Scougal, a Scottish bishop, in the seventeenth century,
+being earnestly sought by an old woman to visit her sick cow, the
+prelate, after many remonstrances, reluctantly consented, and, walking
+round the beast, said gravely, "If she live, she live; and if she die,
+she die; and I can do nae mair for her." Not long afterwards, he was
+dangerously afflicted with a quinsy in the throat; hereupon the old
+woman, having got access to his chamber, walked round his bed repeating
+the same words which the bishop had pronounced when walking round the
+cow, and which she believed had cured the animal. At this extraordinary
+sight the bishop was seized with a fit of laughter, which burst the
+quinsy, and saved his life.
+
+
+=Why Israel Made a Golden Calf=
+
+The following answer from a little girl was shrewd and reflective. The
+question was: "Why did the Israelites make a golden calf?"
+
+"They hadna as muckle siller as would mak' a _coo'_." [9]
+
+
+=An Economical Preacher's Bad Memory=
+
+A parochial incumbent, whose scene of labor some years ago bordered on
+the Strath of Blain, was blamed for having an erroneous opinion of the
+memories of his hearers, insomuch as he frequently entertained them with
+"could kail hot again," in the shape of sermons that he had previously
+given. On one occasion his own memory allowed him to make a slip, and
+only one Sabbath elapsed between the giving of the sermon the second
+time. After the dismissal of the congregation, the beadle remarked to
+him, "I hae often heard ye blamed, sir, for gein' us auld sermons; but
+they'll surely no' say that o' the ane ye gied them this afternoon, for
+its just a fortnicht sin' they heard it afore in the same place." [8]
+
+
+=Sharpening His Teeth=
+
+An English gentleman, traveling in the Highlands, being rather late in
+coming down to dinner, Donald was sent upstairs to intimate all was
+ready. He speedily returned, nodding significantly, as much as to say it
+was all right.
+
+"But, Donald," said his master, after some further trial of a hungry
+man's patience, "are ye sure ye made the gentleman understand?"
+
+"_Understand!_" retorted Donald (who had peeped into the room and found
+the guest engaged at his toilet); "I'se warrant ye he understands; he's
+_sharpening_ his teeth--" not supposing the toothbrush could be of any
+other use.
+
+
+=Droll Solemnity=
+
+An old maid of Scotland, after reading aloud to her two sisters, also
+unmarried, the births, marriages, and deaths, in the ladies' corner of a
+newspaper, thus moralized: "Weel, weel, these are solemn events, death
+and marriage: but ye ken they're what we must a' come to."
+
+"Eh, Miss Jenny, but ye have been lang spared!" was the reply of the
+youngest sister.
+
+
+=Matrimony a Cure for Blindness=
+
+An example of this truth is given in the case of a sly old Scotchman
+who, on marrying a very young wife, was rallied by his friends on the
+inequality of their ages.
+
+"She will be near me," he replied, "to close my een."
+
+"Weel," remarked another party, "I've had twa wives, and they _opened_
+my een."
+
+
+=Plain Speaking=
+
+"I was at the manse the ither day," said the precentor to an old crony,
+"an' the minister and me got on the crack. He says to me: 'Jim,' says
+he, 'I'm very sorry to tell you that I must advise you to give up your
+post, for there are several people complaining that you cannot sing!'
+
+"'Weel, sir,' said I, 'I dinna think you should be in sic a hurry to
+advise me. I've been telt a dizzen times ye canna preach, but I never
+advised ye to gie up your place.'
+
+"I saw he was vexed, so I jist said: 'Ne'er heed, sir; the fules'll hae
+to hear us till we think fit to stop.'"
+
+
+=Trying to Shift the Job=
+
+A country laird, at his death, left his property in equal shares to his
+two sons, who continued to live very amicably together for many years.
+At length one said to the other: "Sam, we're getting auld now; you'll
+tak' a wife, and when I dee ye'll get my share o' the grund."
+
+"Na, John; you're the youngest and maist active; you'll tak' a wife, and
+when I dee you'll get my share."
+
+"Od!" says John; "Sam, that's just the way with you when there's any
+_fash or trouble_. There's naething you'll do at a'."
+
+
+=A New Explanation of an Extra Charge=
+
+The following story is told of a distinguished Edinburgh professor:
+Desiring to go to church one wet Sunday, he hired a cab. On reaching the
+church door he tendered a shilling--the legal fare--to cabby, and was
+somewhat surprised to hear the cabman say: "Twa shillin', sir." The
+professor, fixing his eye on the extortioner, demanded why he charged
+two shillings, upon which the cabman dryly answered: "We wish to
+discourage traveling on the Sabbath as much as possible, sir."
+
+
+=National Thrift Exemplified=
+
+Nowadays, when we hear that patients are beginning to question whether
+they are bound to pay their doctors or not unless a cure has been
+effected, the following anecdote of a cautious Scotchman may serve as a
+useful hint: A poor old man had been some time ill, but refused to have
+advice, dreading the doctor's bill. At last he gave in to the repeated
+requests of his family, and sent for the doctor. On his arrival, the old
+man greeted him with: "Noo, doctor, if ye dinna think I am worth
+repairing, dinna put much expense on me." The doctor, finding him worth
+repairing, soon set him on his legs again, and the old man considered
+his bargain a good one.
+
+
+=New Use for a "Cosy"=
+
+A newly-married lady, displaying her wedding presents to an old Highland
+servant-maid, shows a fancy tea-cosy.
+
+_Servant Maid_: "That'll be a bonny present."
+
+_Lady_: "It is, indeed."
+
+_Servant Maid_: "Ay, an' you'll pe shurely wear this at a crand party?"
+
+
+=Mending Matters=
+
+"Had you the audacity, John," said a Scottish laird to his servant, "to
+go and tell some people that I was a mean fellow, and no gentleman?"
+"Na, na," was the candid answer; "you'll no catch me at the like o'
+that. I aye keep my thoughts to mysel'."
+
+
+=Degrees of Capacity=
+
+Francis Jeffrey was an example of a man who had acquired an artificial
+style and language, suitable only for printed books and a small circle
+of friends and associates in Edinburgh. His diction and pronunciation
+were unintelligible to the bulk of his countrymen, and offensive and
+ridiculous in the House of Commons. His weight in his party, his great
+intelligence, and the affection of his friends, could not prevent him
+from failing in Parliament. An amusing illustration is given by an
+acquaintance of the contrast between him and his friend Henry Cockburn,
+in the examination of a witness. The trial turned upon the intellectual
+competency of a testator. Jeffrey asked a witness, a plain countryman,
+whether the testator was a man of "intellectual capacity?--an
+intellectual, shrewd man?--a man of capacity?--had he ordinary mental
+endowments?"
+
+"What d'ye mean, sir?"
+
+"I mean," replied Jeffrey, testily, "was the man of sufficient ordinary
+intelligence to qualify him to manage his own affairs?"
+
+"I dinna ken," replied the chafed and mystified witness; "Wad ye say the
+question ower again, sir?"
+
+Jeffrey being baffled, Cockburn took up the examination. He said: "Ye
+kenned Tammas----?"
+
+"Ou, ay; I kenned Tammas weel; me and him herded together when we were
+laddies."
+
+"Was there onything in the cretur?"
+
+"Deil a thing but what the spune put in him."
+
+"Would you have trusted him to sell a cow for you?"
+
+"A cow! I wadna lippened him to sell a calf."
+
+Francis Jeffrey could not, if he had devoted an article in the
+_Edinburgh Review_ to the subject, have given a more exact measurement
+than was presented in few words of the capacity of the testator to
+manage his own affairs.
+
+
+="Invisible and Incomprehensible"=
+
+_First Scot_: "Fat sort o' minister hae ye gotten, Geordie?"
+
+_Second Scot_: "Oh, weel; he's no muckle worth. We seldom get a glint o'
+him; six days o' th' week he's envees'ble, and on the seventh he's
+encomprehens'ble."
+
+
+=Fetching His "Character"=
+
+At a Scotch fair a farmer was trying to engage a lad to assist on the
+farm, but would not finish the bargain until he brought a character from
+the last place, so he said: "Run and get it, and meet me at the cross,
+at four o'clock."
+
+The youth was up to time, and the farmer said, "Well, have you got your
+character with you?"
+
+"Na," replied the youth; "but I've got yours, an' I'm no comin'."
+
+
+=Scottish Negativeness=
+
+If you remark to an old Scotchman that "It's a good day," his usual
+reply is, "Aweel, sir, I've seen waur." Such a man does not say his wife
+is an excellent woman. He says, "She's no' a bad body." A buxom lass,
+smartly dressed, is "No' sae vera unpurposelike." The richest and rarest
+viands are "No' sae bad." The best acting and the best singing are
+designated as "No' bad." A man noted for his benevolence is "No' the
+warst man in the worilt." A Scotchman is always afraid of expressing
+unqualified praise. He suspects if he did so it would tend to spoil the
+object of his laudations, if a person, male or female, old or young; or,
+if that object were a song, a picture, a piece of work, a landscape, or
+such, that those who heard him speak so highly of it would think he had
+never in his life seen or heard anything better, which would be an
+imputation on his knowledge of things. "_Nil Admirari_" is not exactly
+the motto of the normal Scotchman. He is quite ready to admire admirable
+things, but yet loath to admit it, only by inference, that he had never
+witnessed or experienced anything better. Indeed, he has always
+something of the like kind which he can quote to show that the person,
+place or thing in question is only comparatively good, great, clever,
+beautiful, or grand. Then, when anybody makes a remark, however novel,
+that squares with a Scotchman's ideas, he will say, "That's just what
+I've offen thoucht!" "That's exactly ma way of thinking!" "That's just
+what I aye say!" "That's just what I was actually on the point o'
+saying!"
+
+
+=Either Too Fast or Too Slow=
+
+An artist, returning from a sketching tour in Arran, was crossing the
+mountains on his way back to catch the early steamer for Brodick. His
+watch had stopped, so he could not form an idea of the time of day. To
+his joy he met a shepherd, of whom he inquired the hour. The native,
+pulling out his watch, replied: "Sir, it will shoost pe five o'clock on
+my wee watchy; but whether she'll be two oors too slow, or two oors too
+fast, I dinna ken."
+
+
+=A Highland Servant Girl and the Kitchen Bell=
+
+Some years ago a lady engaged a domestic servant from the Highlands. In
+the evening the lady wanted supper brought in, so she rang the bell.
+Not getting any answer, she repeated the summons, but with the same
+effect. She then proceeded to the kitchen, where to her amazement she
+found the servant almost convulsed with laughter. She pointed to the
+bell and exclaimed: "As sure's I leeve I never touched it, an' its
+waggin' yet!"
+
+
+=Not Necessarily Out of His Depth=
+
+In Scotland the topic of a sermon, or discourse is called by
+old-fashioned folk "its ground," or, as they would say, "its grund." An
+old woman, bustling into kirk rather late, found the preacher had
+commenced, and opening her Bible, nudged her next neighbor, with the
+inquiry: "What's the grund?"
+
+"Oh," rejoined the other, who happened to be a brother minister, and
+therefore a privileged critic, "he's lost his grund long since, and he's
+just swimming."
+
+
+=Scotch Literalness=
+
+"You must beware," says Charles Lamb, "of indirect expressions before a
+Caledonian. I have a print, a graceful female, after Leonardo da Vinci,
+which I was showing off to Mr. ----. After he had examined it, I asked
+him how he liked 'my beauty' (a name it goes by among my friends), when
+he very gravely assured me that he 'had very considerable respect for my
+character and talents'--so he was pleased to say--'but had not given
+himself much thought for the degree of my personal pretensions.'"
+
+
+=A Scotch "Native"=
+
+"Are you a native of this parish?" asked a Scotch sheriff of a witness
+who was summoned to testify in a case of illicit distilling.
+
+"Maistly, yer honor," was the reply.
+
+"I mean, were you born in this parish?"
+
+"Na, yer honor; I wasna born in this parish, but I'm maist a native for
+a' that."
+
+"You come here when you were a child, I suppose you mean?" said the
+sheriff.
+
+"Na, sir, I'm just here about sax year, noo."
+
+"Then how do you come to be nearly a native of this parish?"
+
+"Weel, ye see, whan I cam' here, sax year sin', I jist weighed eight
+stane, an' I'm fully seventeen stane noo; sae ye see that about nine
+stane a' me belangs to this parish an' the ither eight comes frae
+Camlachie."
+
+
+="A Call to a Wider Sphere"=
+
+An old Highland clergyman, who had received several calls to parishes,
+asked his servant where he should go. His servant said: "Go where there
+is most sin, sir."
+
+The preacher concluded that good advice, and went where there was most
+money.
+
+
+=Why Janet Slept During Her Pastor's Sermon=
+
+Dean Ramsay tells the following quaint story of Scotch life:
+
+There was a worthy old woman at Cults, whose place in church was what is
+commonly called the lateran--a kind of senate gallery at the top of the
+pulpit stairs. She was a most regular attendant, but as regularly fell
+asleep during the sermon, of which fault the preacher had sometimes
+audible intimation.
+
+It was observed, however, that though Janet slept during her own
+pastor's discourse, she could be attentive enough when she pleased, and
+especially was she alert when some young preacher occupied the pulpit. A
+little piqued at this, Mr. Gillespie said to her one day: "Janet, I
+think you hardly behave respectfully to your own minister in one
+matter."
+
+"Me, sir?" exclaimed Janet; "I would like to see ony mon, no' to say
+woman, but yoursel', say that o' me! What can you mean, sir?"
+
+"Weel, Janet, ye ken when I preach you're almost always fast asleep
+before I've given out my text, but when any of these young men from St.
+Andrew's preach for me, I see you never sleep a wink. Now, that's what I
+call no' using me as you should do."
+
+"Hoot, sir," was the reply, "is that a'? I'll soon tell you the reason
+of that. When you preach, we a' ken the word o' God's safe in your
+hands; but when they young birkies tak it in haun, my certie, but it
+tak's us a' to look after them." [7]
+
+
+=Spinning it Out=
+
+As a verbose preacher was addressing the congregation on a certain
+occasion, one by one of his officials dropped out of the church into the
+vestry. As the last one who left put his head into the vestry, those who
+had preceded him inquired if the prolix speaker had not finished his
+address. "Well," said he, "his tow's dune lang syne, but he's aye
+spinnin' awa' yet."
+
+
+=A Wife's Protection=
+
+"Wake up, wake up; there's a man in the house!" cried Mrs. Macdougal to
+her husband the other night. Mac rolled out of bed and grasped his
+revolver, and opened the door to sally forth for the robber. Then,
+turning to his wife, he said: "Come, Maggie, and lead the way. It's a
+cowardly man that would hurt a woman."
+
+
+=Scotch Provincialism=
+
+A gentleman from Aberdeen was awoke one night lately in an hotel in
+Princes Street by an alarm of fire. Upon going to the window, he called
+out, "Watchman, far eist?" (Where is it?). The watchman thanked him and
+went to the Register Office, where he found he was going in the wrong
+direction and returned. On repassing the hotel, he was again called to
+by the Aberdonian, who bawled out, "Watchman, far was't?" (Where was
+it?) On looking up to him, the watchman replied, "Ye're a leein'
+scoonril; ye first tell'd me it was far east, an' noo ye say it's far
+west; but I tell ye it's neither e' tane or e' tither, cause it's ower
+i' e' Coogate."
+
+
+=More Polite than Some Smokers=
+
+The other day a man who indulged in "the weed," took a seat in a
+carriage set apart for smokers on the Tynemouth line. He lost no time in
+getting up a cloud, and whilst puffing away he was accosted by a decent
+elderly female sitting in an opposite corner.
+
+"Is this a smokin' carriage, sor?"
+
+"Yes, good woman," he replied; "but if my pipe annoys you" (obligingly
+taking it from his lips), "I'll put it out."
+
+"No, hinny," said she, drawing a well-used "cutty" from beneath her
+shawl; "aa's gawin' to hev a pipe mesel'!"
+
+
+=The Fly-fisher and the Highland Lassie=
+
+An English tourist visited Arran, and being a keen disciple of Isaac
+Walton, was arranging to have a good day's sport. Being told that the
+horse-fly would suit his purpose admirably for bait, he addressed
+himself to Christy, the Highland servant-maid. "I say, my girl, can you
+get me some horse-flies?"
+
+Christy looked stupid, and he repeated his question. Finding that she
+did not yet comprehend him, he exclaimed: "Why, girl, did you never see
+a horse-fly?"
+
+"Naa, Sir," said the girl; "but a wanse saw a coo jump over a
+preshipice."
+
+
+=Not at Home=
+
+One evening, John Clerk (Lord Eldon) had been dipping rather too freely
+in the convivial bowl with a friend in Queen Street, and on emerging
+into the open air, his intellect became to a considerable extent
+confused, and not being able to distinguish objects with any degree of
+minuteness or certainty, he thought himself in a fair way of losing the
+road to his own house in Picardy Place. In this perplexity he espied
+some one coming towards him, whom he stopped with this query: "D'ye ken
+whaur John Clerk bides?"
+
+"What's the use o' your speerin' that question?" said the man; "you're
+John Clerk himsel'."
+
+"I ken that," said John; "but it's no himsel' that's wanted--it's his
+house."
+
+
+=Faring Alike=
+
+_First Scotch Boatman_: "Weel, Geordie, how got ye on the day?"
+
+_Second Ditto_ (_droughty--he had been out with a Free Kirk minister, a
+strict abstainer_): "Nae ava. The auld carle had nae whusky, sae I took
+him where there was nae fush!"
+
+
+="Saddling the Ass"=
+
+Dr. Guthrie, in the course of an address in the New Free College,
+remarked that he was often annoyed and vexed beyond measure to find
+discourses of the ablest character murdered and massacred by a wretched
+delivery. Some ministers appeared to have a habit of emphasizing every
+third word or so; and he would tell them an anecdote which he had heard
+to illustrate the importance of correct reading. A minister once reading
+I Kings xiii: 13, read it thus: "And the prophet said unto his sons,
+_Saddle me the ass_. So they saddled _him_, the ass."
+
+
+=An Open Question=
+
+A Scottish minister, being one day engaged in visiting some members of
+his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could
+not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little
+he opened the door and walked in, saying with an authoritative voice, "I
+should like to know who is head of this house?" "Weel, sir," said the
+husband and father, "if ye sit down a wee, we'll maybe be able to tell
+ye, for we're just trying to settle that point."
+
+
+=Domestics in By-gone Days=
+
+Dean Ramsay records the following anecdote in his "Reminiscences of
+Scottish Life and Character": The charge these old domestics used to
+take in the interests of the family, and the cool way in which they took
+upon them to protect those interests, sometimes led to very provoking
+and sometimes to a very ludicrous exhibition of importance. A friend
+told me of a dinner scene illustrative of this sort of interference
+which had happened at Airth in the last generation. Mrs. Murry, of
+Abercairney, had been amongst the guests, and at dinner one of the
+family noticed that she was looking about for the proper spoon to help
+herself to salt. The old servant, Thomas, was appealed to, that the want
+might be supplied. He did not notice the appeal. It was repeated in a
+more peremptory manner: "Thomas, Mrs. Murry has not a salt-spoon"; to
+which he replied most emphatically, "Last time Mrs. Murry dined here we
+_lost_ a salt-spoon." [7]
+
+
+=A Misdeal=
+
+A celebrated Scotch divine had just risen up to the pulpit to lead the
+congregation in prayer, when a gentlemen in front of the gallery took
+out his handkerchief to wipe the dust from his brow, forgetting that a
+pack of cards was wrapped up in it; the whole pack was scattered over
+the breast of the gallery. The minister could not resist a sarcasm,
+solemn as the act was in which he was about to engage. "O man, man!
+surely your psalm-book has been ill-bund."
+
+
+="A Sign of Grace"=
+
+A good story is told by Mr. Aird, Moderator of the Free Church of
+Scotland, respecting a minister who in the old days of patronage was
+forced upon a congregation at Alness. He was coldly received, but
+calling one day upon an old elder, he took a chair in spite of his gruff
+reception. In order to meet an awkward pause, he took out his snuff-box.
+"Oh," said the elder, "ye tak' snuff, dae ye?"
+
+"Oh, yes," was the reply.
+
+"Weel," said the elder, "that's the fust sign of grace I've seen in ye."
+
+"How's that?"
+
+"Dae we nae read o' Solomon's temple," replied the elder, "that a' the
+snuffers were of pure gold?"
+
+
+=Extraordinary Absence of Mind=
+
+A certain Scottish professor was not more remarkable for his writings on
+political economy, than for his frequent unconsciousness of what passed
+before him. His absence of mind was so remarkable, that his wife once
+wagered that she would accost him in the street, inquire after the
+health of herself and family, and that he would not recognize her. She
+actually won the wager.
+
+The professor was once taking a solitary walk on the banks of the canal,
+into which in his abstraction, he walked. When within a yard of the
+centre, an honest woman washing clothes behind him, bawled out, "Come
+oot, come oot, fule body, or ye'll be droon't."
+
+These warning sounds invading the tympanum of the professorial ear, had
+the effect of making him turn right about and forthwith recover the dry
+ground. The good woman, concluding him to be an idiot, sympathetically
+exclaimed, "Puir body! a weel, they hae muckle to answer for that lets
+ye gang yer lane!"
+
+
+=Salmon or Sermon=
+
+A clergyman in Perthshire, who was more skilful as an angler than
+popular as a preacher, having fallen into conversation with some of his
+parishioners on the benefits of early rising, mentioned as an instance,
+that he had that very morning, before breakfast, composed a sermon, and
+killed a salmon--an achievement on which he plumed himself greatly.
+"Aweel, sir," observed one of the company, "I would rather have your
+salmon than your sermon."
+
+
+="Bock Again!"--A Prompt Answer=
+
+A countryman in Scotland, who was very fond of apples, especially if
+they came cheap, was one day getting over the hedge into his neighbor's
+orchard, who, happening to be walking towards the spot at the time,
+cried out, "Hoot, hoot, Sandy, where are thee ganging?"
+
+"Bock again, now you are there," replied the thief, with the utmost
+_sang froid_.
+
+
+=A "Kippered" Divine=
+
+It is said that Dr. Chalmers once entertained a distinguished guest from
+Switzerland, whom he asked if he would be helped to kippered salmon. The
+foreign divine asked the meaning of the uncouth word "kippered," and was
+told that it meant "preserved." The poor man, in public prayer, soon
+after, offered a petition that the distinguished divine might long be
+"kippered to the Free Church of Scotland."
+
+
+=Scotch Caution versus Suretiship=
+
+The old Jews and the old Scotch Highlanders had one feeling in common--a
+dread of suretiship. The Book of Proverbs contains several warnings of
+the danger that lurks in a surety bond, but none are more admonishing
+than one uttered by an Highlander. Donald had been tried for his life,
+and narrowly escaped conviction. In discharging him the judge thought it
+proper to say: "Prisoner, before you leave the bar, I'll give you a
+piece of advice. You have got off this time, but if you ever come before
+me, again, I'll be caution (surety) you'll be hanged."
+
+"Thank you, my lord," said Donald, "for your good advice, and as I'm no'
+ungratefu', I beg to gie your lordship a piece of advice in turn. Never
+be 'caution' for anybody, for the cautioner has often to pay the
+penalty."
+
+
+=A Descendant of the Stuarts=
+
+A gentleman from the north, being of a genealogical turn of mind,
+believed that he had discovered in his pedigree some remote connection
+with the royal Stuart blood. Going south, he made much of his presumed
+relationship, until he was generally spoken of in bated breath by his
+innocent English friends, "as a descendant of the Stuarts." At a public
+gathering he was thus mentioned, and the description instantly engaged
+the rapt attention of a new arrival from Caledonia.
+
+"A descendant o' the Stuarts!" he cried; "eh, sirs, I'd like feine to
+see ane o' the royal race."
+
+"Then there he is," answered the interlocutor, pointing him
+out--"there--the gentleman standing in front of the fireplace."
+
+"Gude sakes!" said the astonished Scot; "that's just my ain brither
+Jack."
+
+
+="Law" Set Aside by "Gospel"=
+
+It is related that a Scotch minister chanced to meet two of his
+parishioners in the office of a lawyer, whom he regarded as being too
+sharp.
+
+The lawyer jocularly and not very graciously put the question: "Doctor,
+these are members of your flock; may I ask, do you look upon them as
+black or white sheep?"
+
+"I don't know," answered the divine drily, "whether they are black or
+white sheep, but I know if they are here long they are pretty sure to be
+well fleeced."
+
+
+="Knowledge--It Shall Vanish Away"=
+
+A gentleman was once riding in Scotland by a bleaching ground, where a
+woman was at work watering her webs of linen-cloth. He asked her where
+she went to church, what she heard, and how much she remembered of the
+preceding day's sermon. She could not even remember the text.
+
+"And what good can the preaching do you," said he, "if you forget it
+all?"
+
+"Ah, sir," replied the woman, "if you look at this web on the grass, you
+will see that as fast as ever I put the water on it the sun dries it all
+up; and yet, see, it grows whiter and whiter."
+
+
+=A Harmless Joke=
+
+Sandy Merton was a half-witted fellow who lived in a small town in the
+west of Scotland. One day Sandy entered the doctor's shop, carrying
+under his arm a rusty gun.
+
+"Well, Alexander," said the doctor, "who gave you the gun?"
+
+"Maister Tamson, the publican, gied me it, an' he said the only kind o'
+poother it wud shoot wi' was Seidlitz poother; sae gie I tuppence
+worth."
+
+
+=Looking before Leaping=
+
+A bluff, consequential gentleman from the South, with more beef on his
+bones than brains in his head, riding along the Hamilton road, near to
+Blantyre, asked a herdboy on the roadside, in a tone and manner
+evidently meant to quiz, if he were "half way to Hamilton?" "Man,"
+replied the boy, "I wad need to ken where ye hae come frae afore I could
+answer that question."
+
+
+="Lichts Oot!"=
+
+An old Highland sergeant in one of the Scottish regiments, was going his
+round one night to see that all the lights were out in the barrack
+rooms. Coming to a room where he thought he saw a light shining, he
+roared out: "Put oot that licht there!"
+
+One of the men shouted back: "Man, it's the mune, sergeant."
+
+Not hearing very well, the sergeant cried in return: "I dinna care a
+tacket what it is--pit it oot!"
+
+
+=A Teetotal Preacher Asks for "a Glass"--and Gets it=
+
+A teetotal minister, who was very particular about his toilet, went to
+preach one Sunday for a brother minister in a parish in Kinross-shire.
+On entering the vestry he looked around in search of a mirror, to see
+that his appearance was all right before entering the pulpit, but,
+failing to find one, he said to the beadle: "John, can I have a glass
+before entering the pulpit?"
+
+"Certainly, sir!" replied John. "Just bide a wee, and I'll get ane for
+ye immediately"; and he left the vestry at once.
+
+On his return the minister said: "Well, John, have you succeeded?"
+
+"Yes, sir," replied John; "I've brocht a gill. That'll be a glass for
+the forenoon, and anither for the afternoon."
+
+
+="Old Bags"=
+
+Lord Eldon, who was well known by the nick-name "Old Bags," in one of
+his sporting excursions, unexpectedly came across a person who was
+sporting over his land without leave. His lordship inquired if the
+stranger was aware he was trespassing, or if he knew to whom the estate
+belonged? "What's that to do with you?" was the reply. "I suppose you
+are one of Old Bags' keepers." "No," replied his lordship, "I am Old
+Bags himself."
+
+
+=A Poem for the Future=
+
+The late Dr. Jamieson, the Scottish lexicographer, was vain of his
+literary reputation, and, like many others who knew not where their
+great strength lies, thought himself gifted with a kind of intellectual
+able-to-do-everything. The doctor published a poem, entitled "Eternity."
+
+This poem became the subject of conversational remark, soon after
+publication, at a party where the doctor was present, and a lady was
+asked her opinion of it. "It's a bonny poem," said she, "and it's weel
+named Eternity, for it will ne'er be read in time."
+
+
+=A Badly Arranged Prayer=
+
+A Presbyterian minister in the reign of King William III, performing
+public worship in the Tron Church at Edinburgh, used this remarkable
+expression in his prayer: "Lord, have mercy upon all fools and idiots,
+and particularly upon the Town Council of Edinburgh." [9]
+
+
+=Simplicity of a Collier's Wife=
+
+A clergyman in a mining village not far from Riccarton, in the course of
+his pastoral visits, called at the domicile of a collier in his parish.
+Inquiring of a woman he saw, and whom he presumed to be his wife, if her
+husband was at home, she said: "Deed, na, sir; he's at his work."
+
+"Is your husband, my good woman, a communicant?"
+
+"A communicant! He's naething o' the kind. He's just a collier."
+
+Astonished at the ignorance displayed, the clergyman could not help
+ejaculating: "Oh, what darkness!"
+
+The collier's wife understanding the language literally, not
+figuratively, was also astonished.
+
+"Darkness! Little ye ken o't. Had you been here before we got the extra
+window in the gable ye would scarcely been able to see your finger afore
+you."
+
+The pastor sighed.
+
+"I must, my dear woman, put up a petition for you here."
+
+"Petition--petition! Bide a wee. Nae petition (partition) will ye put up
+here sae lang as I am in the house; but at the term we're going ower to
+Newdiggings, and then ye may put as many o' them as ye like."
+
+
+=A Scotch "Supply"=
+
+Many good stories have been told of the beadles of the Scottish
+churches. The latest is as good as any: One Sabbath morning when a
+minister of an Ayrshire Established Church was about to enter the
+pulpit, he found that John, the precentor, had not arrived. He
+instructed the beadle, who was also bellman, to ring for five minutes
+longer while they waited to see if John came.
+
+When he returned, the minister inquired: "Has John come yet?"
+
+"No, sir," answered the beadle.
+
+"Most extraordinary! What are we to do? I see no help for it, but you
+must take John's place yourself for a day."
+
+"Ah, no, sir," replied the beadle, "I couldna dae that. Aiblins I could
+tak' _your_ place, but I couldna tak' John's."
+
+
+=Praying for Wind=
+
+Dean Ramsay relates this incident: In one of our northern counties, a
+rural district had its harvest operations seriously affected by
+continuous rains. The crops being much laid, wind was desired in order
+to restore them to a condition fit for the sickle. A minister in his
+Sabbath services, expressed their wants in prayer as follows: "O Lord,
+we pray thee to send us wind, no' a rantin' tantin' wind; but a noohin'
+(noughin?) soughin', winnin' wind."
+
+
+=Disturbed Devotions=
+
+The Rev. Dr. Alexander relates that there lived in Peebleshire a
+half-witted man, who was in the habit of saying his prayers in a field
+behind a turf-dyke. One day he was followed to this spot by some wags,
+who secreted themselves on the opposite side listening to the man, who
+expressed his conviction that he was a very great sinner, and that even
+were the turf-dyke at that moment to fall upon him it would be no more
+than he deserved. No sooner had he said this, than the persons on the
+opposite side pushed the dyke over him, when, scrambling out, he was
+heard to say: "Hech, sirs, it's an awfu' world this; a body canna say a
+thing in a joke, but it's ta'en in earnest." [9]
+
+
+=The "Tables" of "The Law"=
+
+When catechizing by the Scottish clergy was customary, the minister of
+Coldingham, in Berwickshire, asked a simple country wife, who resided at
+the farm of Coldingham Law, which was always styled "The Law" for
+brevity's sake: "How many tables, Janet, are there in the law?"
+
+"Indeed, sir, I canna just be certain," was the simple reply; "but I
+think there's ane in the fore room, ane in the back room, an' anither
+upstairs."
+
+
+="Eating Among the Brutes"=
+
+The Rev. Dr. M'C----, minister of Douglas, in Clydesdale, was one day
+dining with a large party where the Hon. Henry Erskine and some lawyers
+were present. A great dish of water-cresses being, according to the
+fashion of the period, handed round after dinner, Dr. M'C----, who was
+extravagantly fond of vegetables, helped himself much more largely than
+any other person, and, as he ate with his fingers with a peculiar
+voracity of manner, Mr. Erskine was struck with the idea that he
+resembled Nebuchadnezzar in his state of condemnation. Resolved to give
+the minister a hit for the grossness of his taste and manner of eating,
+the wit addressed him with: "Dr. M'C----, ye bring me in mind of the
+great king Nebuchadnezzar"; and the company were beginning to titter at
+the ludicrous allusion, when the reverend devourer of cresses replied:
+"Ay, do I mind ye o' Nebuchadnezzar? That'll be because I'm eating among
+the brutes, then."
+
+
+=An Angry Preacher=
+
+"I know what sort o' heaven you'd pe wanting," shouted an earnest and
+excited Highland minister in the ears of an apathetic congregation, to
+whom he had delivered, without any apparent effect, a vivid and
+impressive address on the glory of heaven; "I know what sort o' heaven
+you'd pe wantin'. You'd pe wantin' that all the seas would pe hot water,
+that all the rivers would pe rivers of whiskey, and that all the hills
+and mountains would be loaves o' sugar. That's the sort o' heaven you'd
+pe wantin'; moreover," he added, warming to his work, "you'd pe wantin'
+that all the corn-stooks would pe pipe staples and tobaccos, and
+sweeshin'--that's the sort o' heaven you'd pe wantin'."
+
+
+=A Comfortable Preacher=
+
+One Sunday, as a certain Scottish minister was returning homewards, he
+was accosted by an old woman who said: "Oh, sir, well do I like the day
+when you preach!"
+
+The minister was aware that he was not very popular, and he answered:
+"My good woman, I am glad to hear it! There are too few like you. And
+why do you like when I preach?"
+
+"Oh, sir," she replied, "when you preach I always get a good seat!"
+
+
+="Haste" and "Leisure"=
+
+A clergyman in the north of Scotland, very
+homely in his address, chose for his text a passage in the Psalms, "I
+said in my haste all men are liars." "Ay," premised the minister by way
+of introduction, "ye said in your haste, David, did ye?--gin ye had been
+here, ye micht hae said it at your leisure, my man."
+
+
+="Making Hay While the Sun Shines"=
+
+An anecdote is told of a certain Highland hotel-keeper, who was one day
+bickering with an Englishman in the lobby of the inn regarding the bill.
+The stranger said it was a gross imposition, and that he could live
+cheaper in the best hotel in London; to which the landlord with
+nonchalance replied, "Oh, nae doot, sir, nae doot; but do ye no' ken the
+reason?" "No, not a bit of it," said the stranger hastily. "Weel, then,"
+replied the host, "as ye seem to be a sensible callant, I'll tell ye;
+there's 365 days in the Lonnun hotel-keeper's calendar, but we have only
+three months in ours! Do ye understand me noo, frien'? We maun mak' hay
+in the Hielans when the sun shines, for it's unco seldom he dis't!"
+
+
+=Speaking Figuratively=
+
+A preacher of the name of Ker, on being inducted into a church in
+Teviotdale, told the people the relation there was to be between him and
+them in the following words: "Sirs, I am come to be your shepherd, and
+you must be my sheep, and the Bible will be my tar bottle, for I will
+mark you with it"; and laying his hand on the clerk or precentor's head,
+he said: "Andrew, you shall be my dog." "The sorra bit of your dog will
+I be," said Andrew. "O, Andrew, you don't understand me; I speak
+mystically," said the preacher. "Yes, but you speak mischievously," said
+Andrew. [9]
+
+
+=A Canny Witness=
+
+During a trial in Scotland, a barrister was examining an old woman, and
+trying to persuade her to his view by some "leading questions." After
+several attempts to induce her memory to recur to a particular
+circumstance, the barrister angrily observed, "Surely you must remember
+this fact--surely you can call to mind such and such a circumstance."
+The witness answered, "I ha' tauld ye I can't tell; but if ye know so
+much mair about it than I do (pointing to the judge), do'e tell maister
+yerself."
+
+
+=A Mother's Confidence in Her Son=
+
+Mrs. Baird received the news from India of the gallant but unfortunate
+action of '84 against Hyder Ali, in which her son (then Captain Baird,
+afterwards Sir David Baird) was engaged; it was stated that he and other
+officers had been taken prisoners and chained together two and two. The
+friends were careful in breaking such sad intelligence to the mother of
+Captain Baird. When, however, she was made fully to understand the
+position of her son and his gallant companions, disdaining all weak and
+useless expressions of her own grief, and knowing well the restless and
+athletic habits of her son, all she said was, "Lord, pity the chiel
+that's chained to our Davy!" [7]
+
+
+=Lord Clancarty and the Roman Catholic Chaplain=
+
+When Lord Clancarty was captain of a man-of-war in 1724, and was
+cruising off the coast of Guinea, his lieutenant, a Scotch Presbyterian,
+came hastily into the cabin, and told his lordship that the chaplain was
+dead, and what was worse, he died a Roman Catholic. Lord Clancarty
+replied that he was very glad of it. "Hoot fie, my lord," said the
+officer, "what, are ye glad that yer chaplain died a pawpish?" "Yes,"
+answered his lordship, "for he is the first sea-parson I ever knew that
+had any religion at all." [9]
+
+
+=An Idiot's Views of Insanity=
+
+A clergyman in the north of Scotland, on coming into church one Sunday
+morning, found the pulpit occupied by the parish idiot (a thing which
+often happens in some English parishes--with this difference, that
+instead of the minister finding the idiot in the pulpit, it is the
+_people_ who find him). The authorities had been unable to remove him
+without more violence than was seemly, and therefore waited for the
+minister to dispossess Sam of the place he had, assumed. "Come down,
+sir, immediately," was the peremptory and indignant call; and on Sam
+remaining unmoved, it was repeated with still greater energy. Sam,
+however, very confidentially replied, looking down from his elevation,
+"Na, na, meenister, just ye come up wi' me. This is a perverse
+generation, and faith, they need us baith." [7]
+
+
+=Lord Mansfield and a Scotch Barrister on Pronunciation=
+
+A man who knows the world, will not only make the most of everything he
+does know, but of many things he does not know, and will gain more
+credit by his adroit mode of hiding his ignorance, than the pedant by
+his awkward attempt to exhibit his erudition. In Scotland, the "_jus et
+norma loquendi_" has made it the fashion to pronounce the law term
+curator curator. Lord Mansfield gravely corrected a certain Scotch
+barrister when in court, reprehending what appeared to English usage a
+false quantity, by repeating--"Curator, sir, if you please." The
+barrister immediately replied, "I am happy to be corrected by so great
+an orator as your lordship."
+
+
+=Satisfactory Security=
+
+Patrick Forbes, Bishop of Aberdeen, had lent an unlucky brother money,
+until he was tired out, but the borrower renewed his application, and
+promised security. The bishop on that condition consented to the loan:
+"But where is your security?" said he, when the poor fellow replied:
+"God Almighty is my bondsman in providence; he is the only security I
+have to offer." So singular a reply of a despairing man smote the
+feelings of the bishop, and he thus replied: "It is the first time
+certainly that such a security was ever offered to me; and since it is
+so, take the money, and may Almighty God, your bondsman, see that it
+does you good." [9]
+
+
+=Better than a Countess=
+
+Mrs. Coutts, wife of the eminent banker, and previously Miss Mellon, the
+celebrated actress, made her appearance one day at one of the principal
+promenades in Edinburgh, dressed in a most magnificent style, so as to
+quite overawe our northern neighbors. "Hoot, mon," said a gentleman
+standing by, who did not know who she was, "yon's a braw lady; she'll be
+a countess, I'm thinking." "No," replied an eminent banker, "not just a
+_countess_, but what's better, a _dis-countess_."
+
+
+=Remembering Each Other=
+
+Mr. Miller, of Ballumbie, had occasion to find fault with one of his
+laborers, who had been improvident, and known better days. He was
+digging a drain, and he told him if he did not make better work he
+should turn him off. The man was very angry, and throwing down his
+spade, called out in a tone of resentment, "Ye are ower pridefeu', Davie
+Miller. I mind ye i' the warld when ye had neither cow nor ewe." "Very
+well," replied Mr. Miller, mildly, "I remember you when you had both."
+
+
+=Marriages Which are Made in Heaven--How Revealed=
+
+Archbishop Leighton never was married. While he held the See of
+Dumblane, he was of course a subject of considerable interest to the
+celibate ladies in the neighborhood. One day he received a visit from
+one of them who had reached the age of desperation. Her manner was
+solemn though somewhat embarrassed; it was evident from the first that
+there was something very particular on her mind. The good bishop spoke
+with his usual kindness, encouraged her to be communicative, and by and
+by drew from her that she had had a very strange dream, or rather, as
+she thought, a revelation from heaven. On further questioning, she
+confessed that it had been intimated to her that she was to be united in
+marriage to the bishop. One may imagine what a start this gave to the
+quiet scholar, who had long ago married his books, and never thought of
+any other bride. He recovered, however, and very gently addressing her,
+said that "Doubtless these intimations were not to be despised. As yet,
+however, the designs of heaven were but imperfectly explained, as they
+had been revealed to only one of the parties. He would wait to see if
+any similar communication should be made to himself, and whenever it
+happened he would be sure to let her know." Nothing could be more
+admirable than this humor, except perhaps the benevolence shown in so
+bringing an estimable woman off from a false position. [9]
+
+
+=Not Up to Sample=
+
+"How did it happen," asked a lady of a very silly Scotch nobleman, "that
+the Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking,
+men of more ability than those who remained at home?"
+
+"Oh, madam," said he, "the reason is obvious. At every outlet there are
+persons stationed to examine all who pass, that for the honor of the
+country, no one be permitted to leave it who is not a man of
+understanding."
+
+"Then," said she, "I suppose your lordship was smuggled."
+
+
+=The Queen's Daughters--or "Appearances Were Against Them"=
+
+A good many years ago, when her majesty was spending a short time in the
+neighborhood of the Trossachs, the Princesses Louise and Beatrice paid
+an unexpected visit to an old female cottager on the slopes of
+Glenfinlas, who, knowing that they had some connection with the royal
+household, bluntly ejaculated: "Ye'll be the Queen's servants, I'm
+thinkin'?"
+
+"No," they quietly rejoined; "we are the Queen's daughters."
+
+"Ye dinna look like it," was the immediate reply of the unusually
+outspoken Celt, "as ye hae neither a ring on your fingers, nor a bit
+gowd i' your lugs!"
+
+
+="Oo"--with Variations=
+
+The following is a dialogue between a Scotch shopman and a customer,
+relating to a plaid hanging at the shop door:
+
+_Customer (inquiring the material)_: "Oo" (Wool)?
+
+_Shopman_: "Ay, oo" (Yes, wool).
+
+_Customer_: "A' oo" (All wool)?
+
+_Shopman_: "Ay, a' oo" (Yes, all wool).
+
+_Customer_: "A' ae oo" (All same wool)?
+
+_Shopman_: "Ay, a' _ae_ oo" (Yes, all the same wool). [7]
+
+
+=A Widow's Promise=
+
+The clerk of a large parish, not five miles from Bridgenorth, Scotland,
+perceiving a female crossing a churchyard in a widow's garb with a
+watering can and bundle, had the curiosity to follow her, and he
+discovered her to be Mrs. Smith, whose husband had not long been
+interred.
+
+The following conversation took place:
+
+"Ah, Mrs. Smith, what are you doing with your watering can?"
+
+"Why, Mr. Prince, I have begged a few hay-seeds, which I have in a
+bundle, and am going to sow them upon my husband's grave, and have
+brought a little water with me to make 'em spring."
+
+"You have no occasion to do that, as the grass will soon grow upon it,"
+replied the clerk.
+
+"Ah, Mr. Prince, that may be; but, do you know, my husband, who now
+lives there, made me promise him on his death-bed I would never marry
+again till the grass grew over his grave, and having a good offer made
+me, I dinna wish to break my word, or be kept as I am."
+
+
+=Drunken Wit=
+
+The late Rev. Mr. Neal, one of the ministers of the West Church, when
+taking a walk in the afternoon, saw an old woman sitting by the roadside
+evidently much intoxicated, with her bundle lying before her in the mud.
+He immediately recognized her to be one of his parishioners.
+
+"Will you just help me with my bundle, gudeman?" said she, as he
+stopped.
+
+"Fie, fie, Janet," said the pastor, "to see the like o' you in such a
+plight. Do you not know where all drunkards go to?"
+
+"Ah, sure," said Janet, "they just go whaur a drap o' gude drink is to
+be got."
+
+
+=Popularity Tested by the Collection=
+
+The late Dr. Cook, of Addington, after assisting the late Dr. Forsyth,
+of Morham, at a communion service, repaired as usual to the manse. While
+in the enjoyment of a little social intercourse, the minister of
+Morham--which, by the way, is one of the smallest parishes in
+Scotland--quietly remarked to his brother divine: "Doctor, you must be a
+very popular man in the parish." "Ay," replied the doctor, "how's that?"
+"Why," rejoined the other, "our usual collection is threepence, but
+to-day it is ninepence!" "Eh, is that all?" said Dr. Cook, "then wae's
+me for my popularity, for I put in the extra sixpence myself!"
+
+
+=An "Exceptional" Prayer=
+
+A minister in the North, returning thanks in his prayers one Sabbath for
+the excellent harvest, began as usual, "O Lord, we thank Thee," etc.,
+and went on to mention the abundance of the harvest and its safe
+ingathering; but feeling anxious to be quite candid and scrupulously
+truthful, added, "all except a few fields between this and Stonehaven
+_not worth mentioning_."
+
+
+="Verra Weel Pitched"=
+
+A Scotchman was riding a donkey one day across a sheep pasture, but when
+the animal came to a sheep drain he would not go over. So the man rode
+back a short distance, turned, and applied the whip, thinking, of
+course, that the donkey, when at the top of his speed, would jump the
+drain. But when the donkey got to the drain he stopped sharply and the
+man went over his head and cleared the drain. No sooner had he touched
+the ground than he got up, and, looking the beast straight in the face,
+said: "Verra weel pitched, but, then, hoo are ye goin' to get ower
+yersel'?"
+
+
+=An Out-of-the-Way Reproof=
+
+King James I, being one day in the North, a violent tempest burst loose
+and a church being the nearest building, his majesty took shelter there,
+and sat down in an obscure and low seat. The minister had just mounted
+the pulpit and soon recognized the king, notwithstanding his plain
+costume. He commenced his sermon, however, and went on with it logically
+and quietly, but at last, suddenly starting off at a tangent, he
+commenced to inveigh most violently against the habit of swearing, and
+expatiated on this subject till the end of his discourse.
+
+After the sermon was ended the king had his dinner, to which he invited
+the minister, and when the bottle had circulated for a while: "Parson,"
+says the king, "why didst thou flee so from thy text?"
+
+"If it please your majesty," was the reply, "when you took the pains to
+come so far out of your way to hear me, I thought it very good manners
+for me to step a little way out of my text to meet with your majesty."
+
+"By my saul, mon," exclaimed James, "and thou hast met with me so as
+never mon did."
+
+It will be remembered that James I was notorious for cursing and
+swearing, in a manner almost verging on blasphemy. [9]
+
+
+=A Castle Stor(e)y=
+
+A Glasgow antiquary recently visited an old castle, and asked one of the
+villagers if he knew anything of an old story about the building.
+
+"Ay," said the rustic, "there was another auld storey, but it fell down
+lang since."
+
+
+=A Satisfactory Explanation=
+
+A trial took place before a bailie, who excelled more as a citizen than
+as a scholar. A witness had occasion to refer to the testimony of a man
+who had died recently, and he spoke of him frequently as the defunct.
+
+Amazed at the constant repetition of a word he did not understand, the
+bailie petulantly said: "What's the use o' yer talkin' sae muckle aboot
+the man Defunct? Canna ye bring him here and let him speak for himsel'?"
+
+"The defunct's dead, my lord," replied the witness.
+
+"Oh, puir man, that alters the case," said the sapient administrator of
+the law.
+
+
+=Sandy's Reply to the Sheriff=
+
+Sandy Gibb, master-blacksmith in a certain town in Scotland, was
+summoned as a witness to the Sheriff-Court in a case of two of his
+workmen. The sheriff, after hearing the testimony, asked Sandy why he
+did not advise them to settle, seeing the costs had already amounted to
+three times the disputed claim. Sandy's reply was, "I advised the fules
+to settle, for I saw that the shirra-officer wad tak' their coates, the
+lawwers their sarks, an' gif they got to your lordship's haunds ye'd
+tear the skin aff them." Sandy was ordered to stand down.
+
+
+=A Grammatical Beggar=
+
+A beggar some time ago applied for alms at the door of a partisan of the
+Anti-begging Society. After in vain detailing his manifold sorrows, the
+inexorable gentleman peremptorily dismissed him: "Go away," said he,
+"go, we canna gie ye naething."
+
+"You might at least," replied the mendicant, with an air of arch
+dignity, "have refused me grammatically."
+
+
+=Good Enough to Give Away=
+
+A woman entered a provision shop and asked for a pound of butter, "an'
+look ye here, guidman," she exclaimed, "see an' gie me it guid, for the
+last pound was that bad I had to gie't awa' to the wifie next door."
+
+
+=A Dry Preacher=
+
+On one occasion when coming to church, Dr. Macknight, who was a much
+better commentator than preacher, having been caught in a shower of
+rain, entered the vestry, soaked through. Every means were used to
+relieve him from his discomfort; but as the time drew on for divine
+service, he became very querulous, and ejaculated over and over again:
+"Oh! I wish that I was dry! Do you think that I am dry? Do you think
+that I am dry eneuch noo?" Tired by these endless complaints, his jocose
+colleague, Dr. Henry, the historian, at last replied: "Bide a wee,
+doctor, and ye'se be dry eneuch, gin ye once get into the pu'pit." [9]
+
+
+=A Poetical Question and Answer=
+
+Mr. Dewar, a shop-keeper at Edinburgh, being in want of silver for a
+bank note, went into the shop of a neighbor of the name of Scott, whom
+he thus addressed:
+
+ "Master Scott,
+ Can you change me a note?"
+
+Mr. Scott's reply was:
+
+ "I'm not very sure, but I'll see."
+
+Then going into his back room he immediately returned and added:
+
+
+ "Indeed, Mr. Dewar,
+ It's out of my power,
+ For my wife's away with the key."
+
+
+=Drinking by Candle Light=
+
+The taverns to which Edinburgh lawyers of a hundred years ago resorted
+were generally very obscure and mean--at least they would appear such
+now; and many of them were situated in the profound recesses of the old
+town, where there was no light from the sun, the inmates having to use
+candles continually.
+
+A small party of legal gentlemen happened one day to drop into one of
+these dens; and as they sat a good while drinking, they at last forgot
+the time of day. Taking their impressions from the candles, they just
+supposed that they were enjoying an ordinary evening debauch.
+
+"Sirs," said one of them at last, "it's time to rise; ye ken I'm a
+married man, and should be early at home." And so they all rose, and
+prepared to stagger home through the streets, which at night were but
+dimly lighted with oil; when, lo and behold! on their emerging from the
+tavern, they suddenly found themselves projected into the blaze of a
+summer afternoon, and at the same time, under the gaze of a thousand
+curious eyes, which were directed to their tipsy and negligent figures.
+
+
+=Disqualified to be a Country Preacher=
+
+The gentleman who has been rendered famous by the pen of Burns, under
+the epithet of _Rumble John_, was one Sunday invited to preach in a
+parish church in the Carse of Stirling, where, as there had been a long
+course of dry weather, the farmers were beginning to wish for a gentle
+shower; for the sake of their crops then on the eve of being ripe. Aware
+of this Mr. Russell introduced a petition, according to custom, into his
+last prayer, for a change of weather. He prayed, it is said, that the
+windows of heaven might be opened, and a flood fall to fatten the ground
+and fulfill the hopes of the husbandmen. This was asking too much; for,
+in reality, nothing was wanting but a series of very gentle showers. As
+if to show how bad a farmer he was, a thunder storm immediately came on,
+of so severe a character, that before the congregation was dismissed,
+there was not an upright bean-stalk in the whole of the Carse. The
+farmers, on seeing their crops so much injured, and that apparently by
+the ignorance of the clergyman, shook their heads to one another as they
+afterwards clustered about the churchyard; and one old man was heard to
+remark to his wife, as he trudged indignantly out, "That lad may be very
+gude for the town, as they say he is, but I'm clear that he disna
+understan' _the kintra_."
+
+
+=Grim Humor=
+
+An English traveler was taking a walk through a Scotch fishing village,
+and being surprised at the temerity of the children playing about the
+pier, he said to a woman who stood by: "Do not the children frequently
+drop in?"
+
+"Ay, ay, the fule things, they often fa' ower the pier," she answered
+coolly.
+
+"God bless me! Lost of course?"
+
+"Na, na," was the reply; "noo and then, to be sure, a bairn's drooned,
+but unfortunately there's maistly some idle body in the way to fish oot
+the deevils!"
+
+
+=Sabbath Zeal=
+
+The reverence for the Sabbath in Scotland sometimes takes a form one
+would have hardly anticipated. An old Highland man said to an English
+tourist: "They're a God-fearin' set o' folks here, 'deed they are, an'
+I'll give ye an instance o't. Last Sabbath, just as the kirk was
+skalin', there was a drover chiel frae Dumfries along the road,
+whistlin' and lookin' as happy as if it was ta middle o' ta week. Weel,
+sir, our laads is a God-fearin' set o' laads, and they yokit upon him
+an' a'most killed him."
+
+
+=At the End of His Tether=
+
+An old Scotch lady was told that her minister used notes. She
+disbelieved it. Said one: "Go into the gallery and see!"
+
+She did so, and saw the written sermon. After the luckless preacher had
+concluded his reading on the last page, he said: "But I will not
+enlarge."
+
+The old woman cried out from her lofty position: "Ye canna! ye canna,
+for yer paper's give oot!"
+
+
+=A Thrifty Proposal=
+
+It is said that before the opening of the Glasgow Exhibition the laying
+out of the garden and grounds were under discussion, and it was
+suggested that a gondola would look ornamental on the water.
+
+"Well," said a member of the town council, "I think we may as well have
+a _pair_, and they might _breed_."
+
+
+=Was He a Liberal or a Tory?=
+
+A keen politician, in the City of Glasgow, heard one day of the death of
+a party opponent, who in a fit of a mental aberration, had shot himself.
+"Ah," said he, "gane awa' that way by himsel', has he? I wish that he
+had ta'en twa or three days' shooting among his friends before he went!"
+
+
+=Advice on Nursing=
+
+A bachelor of seventy and upwards came one day to Bishop Alexander, of
+Dunkeld, and said he wished to marry a girl of the neighborhood whom he
+named. The bishop, a non-juring Scottish Episcopalian of the middle of
+last century, and himself an old bachelor, inquired into the motive of
+this strange proceeding, and soon drew from the old man the awkward
+apology, that he married to have a nurse. Too knowing to believe such a
+statement, the good bishop quietly replied, "See, John, then, and make
+her ane."
+
+
+=A Critic on His Own Criticism=
+
+Lord Eldon, so remarkable for his naïf expression, being reminded, of a
+criticism which he had formerly made upon a picture which he himself had
+forgotten, inquired, "Did I say that?" "Yes." "Then if I said that,"
+quoth the self-satisfied wit, "it was _deevilish gude_."
+
+
+=Holding A Candle to the Sun=
+
+A wet and witty barrister, one Saturday encountered an equally
+Bacchanalian senatorial friend, in the course of a walk to Leith.
+Remembering that he had a good joint of mutton roasting for dinner, he
+invited his friend to accompany him home; and they accordingly dined
+together, _secundum morem solitum_. After dinner was over, wine and
+cards commenced; and, as they were each fond of both, neither thought of
+reminding the other of the advance of time, till the church bell next
+day disturbed them in their darkened room about a quarter before eleven
+o'clock. The judge then rising to depart, Mr. ---- walked behind him to
+the outer door, with a candle in each hand, by way of showing him out.
+"Tak' care, my lord, tak' care," cried the kind host most anxiously,
+holding the candles out of the door into the sunny street, along which
+the people were pouring churchwards; "Tak' care; there's twa steps."
+
+
+=A False Deal=
+
+A gentleman was one night engaged with a judge in a tremendous drinking
+bout which lasted all night, and till within a single hour of the time
+when the court was to open next morning. The two cronies had little more
+than time to wash themselves in their respective houses when they had to
+meet again, in their professional capacities of judge and pleader, in
+the Parliament House. Mr. Clerk (afterwards Lord Eldon), it appears,
+had, in the hurry of his toilet, thrust the pack of cards he had been
+using over night into the pocket of his gown; and thus as he was going
+to open up the pleading, in pulling out his handkerchief, he also pulled
+out fifty-two witnesses of his last night's debauch, which fell
+scattered within the bar. "Mr. Clerk," said his judicial associate in
+guilt, with the utmost coolness, "before ye begin, I think ye had better
+take up your hand."
+
+
+=A Scotch Matrimonial Jubilee=
+
+Two fishwives in London were talking about the Queen's jubilee. "Eh,
+wumman," said one to the other, "can ye tell me what a jubilee is, for I
+hear a' the folks spakin' aboot it?"
+
+"Ou, ay," replied the other, "I can tell ye that. Ye see when a man and
+a wumman has been marrit for five-and-twenty years, that's a silver
+waddin; and when they've been marrit for fifty years, that's a gouden
+waddin; but when the man's deed, that's a jubilee!"
+
+
+=A Drunkard's Thoughts=
+
+An inebriate, some time back, got into a tramcar in Glasgow, and became
+very troublesome to the other passengers; so much so that it was
+proposed to eject him. A genial and right reverend doctor, who was also
+a passenger took him in hand, however, and soothed him into good
+behavior for the rest of the journey. Before leaving, the man shook
+hands warmly with the doctor, after scowling at the other occupants of
+the car, and said: "Good-day, my freen', I see ye ken what it is to be
+foo'."
+
+
+=A Lofty "Style"=
+
+The late Mr. Andrew Balfour, one of the judges in the Commissary Court
+of Edinburgh, used to talk in a very pompous and inflated style of
+language. Having made an appointment with the late Honorable Henry
+Erskine, on some particular business, and failing to attend, he
+apologized for it, by telling the learned barrister that his brother,
+the Laird of Balbirnie, in passing from one of his enclosures to
+another, had fallen down from the stile and sprained his ankle. This
+trifling accident he related in language highly pedantic and
+bombastical. The witty advocate, with his usual vivacity, replied, "It
+was very fortunate for your brother, Andrew, that it was not from _your_
+style he fell, or he had broken his neck, instead of spraining his
+ankle!"
+
+During the time the above-named gentleman presided in court, his sister,
+Miss Balfour, happened to be examined as a witness in a cause then
+before the court. Andrew began in his pompous way, by asking, "Woman,
+what is thy name? what is thy age? and where is thy usual place of
+residence?" To which interrogatories Miss Balfour only replied, by
+staring him broad in the face, when the questions were again repeated,
+with all the grimace and pedantry he was master of, which the lady,
+observing, said, "Dear me, Andrew, do ye no ken yer ain sister?" To
+which the judge answered, "Woman, when I sit in court I administer
+justice; I know no one, neither father or mother, sister or brother!"
+
+
+=Depression--Delight--Despair=
+
+Three boys at school, learning their catechism, the one asked the other
+how far he had got. To this he answered, "I'm at 'A State o' Sin and
+Misery.'" He then asked another what length he was, to which he replied,
+"I'm just at 'Effectual Calling.'" They were both anxious, of course, to
+learn how far he was himself, and having asked him, he answered, "Past
+Redemption."
+
+
+=An Earl's Pride and Parsimony=
+
+A late nobleman, in whose character vanity and parsimony were the most
+remarkable features, was, for a long time before he died, in the habit
+of retailing the produce of his dairy and his orchard to the children
+and poor people of the neighborhood. It is told, that one day observing
+a pretty little girl tripping through his grounds with a milk pipkin, he
+stooped to kiss her; after which he said, in a pompous tone, "Now, my
+dear, you may tell your grandchildren, and tell them in their turn to
+tell their grandchildren, that you had once the honor of receiving a
+kiss from the Right Hon--the Earl of ----." The girl looked up in his
+face, and, with a strange mixture of simplicity and archness, remarked,
+"But ye took the penny for the milk, though!"
+
+
+=Question and Answer=
+
+At a church in Scotland, where there was a popular call, two candidates
+offered to preach of the names of Adam and Low. The last preached in the
+morning, and took for his text, "Adam, where art thou?" He made a most
+excellent discourse, and the congregation were much edified. In the
+evening Mr. Adam preached, and took for his text, "Lo, here am I!" The
+_impromptu_ and his sermon gained him the church.
+
+
+=Robbing "On Credit"=
+
+Soon after the battle of Preston, two Highlanders, in roaming through
+the south of Mid-Lothian, entered the farm-house of Swanston, near the
+Pentland Hills, where they found no one at home but an old woman. They
+immediately proceeded to search the house, and soon, finding a web of
+coarse home-spun cloth, made no scruple to unroll and cut off as much as
+they thought would make a coat for each. The woman was exceedingly
+incensed at their rapacity, and even had the hardihood to invoke divine
+vengeance upon their heads. "Ye villains!" she cried, "ye'll ha'e to
+account for this yet!"
+
+"And when will we pe account for't?"
+
+"At the last day, ye blackguards!" exclaimed the woman.
+
+"Ta last tay!" replied the Highlander; "tat pe cood long credit--we'll
+e'en pe tak' a waistcoat, too!" at the same time cutting off a few
+additional yards of the cloth.
+
+
+=Taking a Light Supper=
+
+A poet being at supper where the fare was very scanty, and not of
+first-rate quality, said the following grace:
+
+ "O Thou, who blessed the loaves and fishes,
+ Look down upon these two poor dishes;
+ And though the 'taties be but sma',
+ Lord, make them large enough for a';
+ For if they do our bellies fill,
+ 'Twill be a wondrous miracle!"
+
+
+=Rustic Notion of the Resurrection=
+
+It is the custom in Scotland for the elders to assist the minister in
+visiting the sick; and on such occasions they give the patient and the
+surrounding gossips the benefit of prayers. Being generally well
+acquainted in the different families, they often sit an hour or two
+after the sacred rites, to chat with those who are in health, and to
+receive the benefit of a dram. On one of these occasions in the house of
+Donald M'Intyre, whose wife had been confined to her fireside and
+armchair for many years, the elder and Donald grew _unco' gracious_.
+Glass after glass was filled from the bottle, and the elder entered into
+a number of metaphysical discussions, which he had heard from the
+minister. Among other topics was the resurrection. The elder was
+strenuous in support of the rising of the same body; but Donald could
+not comprehend how a body once dissolved in the dust could be
+reanimated. At last, catching what he thought a glimpse of the subject,
+he exclaimed, "Weel, weel, Sandy, ye're richt sae far; you and me, that
+are strong, healthy folk, _may_ rise again; but that _puir_ thing there,
+_far_ she sits" (that poor thing, where she sits) "she'll ne'er rise
+again."
+
+
+=A Definition of Baptism=
+
+A Scotch clergyman, one day catechising his flock in the church, the
+beadle, or church officer, being somewhat ill-read in the catechism,
+thought it best to keep a modest place near the door, in the hope of
+escaping the inquisition. But the clergyman observed and called him
+forward. "John," said he, "what is baptism?" "Ou, sir," answered John,
+scratching his head, "ye ken, it's just saxpence to me, and fifteenpence
+to the precentor."
+
+
+=No End to His Wit=
+
+A gentleman in the west of Scotland, celebrated for his wit, was
+conversing with a lady, who, at last, overpowered by the brilliance and
+frequency of his _bon mots_, exclaimed, "Stop, sir; there is really no
+end to your wit." "God forbid, madam," replied the humorist, "that I
+should ever be at my wit's end."
+
+
+=Leaving the Lawyers a Margin=
+
+A man from the country applied lately to a respectable solicitor in this
+town for legal advice. After detailing the circumstances of the case, he
+was asked if he had stated the facts exactly as they occurred. "Ou, ay,
+sir," rejoined the applicant, "I thought it best to tell you the plain
+truth; ye can put the _lees_ till't yoursel'."
+
+
+=A Lunatic's Advice to Money Lenders=
+
+The following curious conversation actually occurred in a garden
+attached to a lunatic asylum, near Dumfries. The interlocutors were the
+keeper, a very respectable man, and one of the most manageable of his
+patients:
+
+"Tak' it easy, tak' it easy, Jamie; ye're no working against time, man;
+and when you come near the border, be sure and keep your feet aff the
+flowers."
+
+"The flowers! hurt the bonnie sweet flowers!" said Jamie; "Na, na, I'm
+no sae daft as that comes to, neither; I wad as soon chap off my ain
+fingers as crush ane o' them. There's the summer snaw-drap already
+keeking through its green sheath; as weel as daisies and primroses, an'
+the thing they ca' rocket; although it would mak' but a puir cracker on
+the king's birthday--He! he! he! Ay, there's heartsease and rowantree,
+sprigs o' which I aye wear next my skin; the tane to fleg awa' the
+witches, an' the tither to keep my heart frae beating. An' there's the
+ginty wee flower that I gied a bit o' to Tibby Dalrymple, wha tint her
+wits for love, an' wha said sae muckle to me through the grating o' her
+cell, about the gude that the smell o' the flower wad do her, that I
+couldna find i' my heart to deny her, puir thing."
+
+"Very weel, Jamie," replied the keeper, "be a guid lad, an' continue to
+dress that little corner until I come back frae the sands."
+
+"Ou, ay!" rejoined Jamie, "this is Wednesday, an' you'll be gaun down to
+meet wi' some o' your country friends. It's changed time wi' them, I
+jalous; whaur the public-house used to sell a gallon o' whiskey, they
+dinna sell a mutchkin noo, I hear; but that's naething, their customers
+will get sooner hame to their families; an' then they'll be fewer bane
+broken riding fule races. But tak' care o' yoursel', Mr. ----, tak' care
+that some o' them dinna come Yorkshire ower you. They'll be inviting you
+in to tak' a dram, nae doubt, an' making a puir mouth about the badness
+o' times, trying to borrow a little siller frae you. But if I was you,
+I'll tell ye what I wad dae. I wad get twa purses made, and ca' ane o'
+them '_Somebody_,' and the ither '_A' the World_'; an' next I wad pit a'
+my siller in the first, and no' a bawbee in the second; and then, when
+any o' them spak' o' borrowing, I wad whup out the toom purse, and
+shaking't before the chiel's een, swear that I hadna a ha'penny in '_A'
+the World_,' until I gat it frae '_Somebody_!'"
+
+
+=Prophesying=
+
+A country clergyman, who, on Sundays, is more indebted to his manuscript
+than to his memory, called unceremoniously at a cottage while its
+possessor, a pious parishioner, was engaged (a daily exercise) in
+perusing a paragraph of the writing of an inspired prophet. "Weel,
+John," familiarly inquired the clerical visitant, "what's this you are
+about?" "I am prophesying," was the prompt reply. "Prophesying!"
+exclaimed the astonished divine; "I doubt you are only reading a
+prophesy." "Weel," argued the religious rustic, "gif reading a preachin'
+be preachin', is na reading a prophecy prophesying?"
+
+
+=Definition of Metaphysics=
+
+A Scotch blacksmith being asked the meaning of "Metaphysics," explained
+it as follows: "When the party who listens dinna ken what the party who
+speaks means, and when the party who speaks dinna ken what he means
+himself--that is 'metaphysics.'"
+
+
+=His Word and His Bond Equally Binding=
+
+A crusty tenant of the late Laird D----, pressing him to complete some
+piece of work which had long stood over, the laird craved further delay,
+adding that he would give his word of honor--nay, his written bond, to
+have the thing done before a certain day.
+
+"Your word!" exclaimed the tenant, "it's weel kenn'd _that_ will do me
+little guid; and as for your writing, naebody can read it."
+
+
+=Bad Arithmeticians often Good Book-Keepers=
+
+Sir Walter Scott, in lending a book one day to a friend, cautioned him
+to be punctual in returning it. "This is really necessary," said the
+poet in apology; "for though many of my friends are bad
+_arithmeticians_, I observe almost all of them to be good
+_book-keepers_."
+
+
+=Curious Misunderstanding=
+
+An itinerant vendor of wood in Aberdeen having been asked how his wife
+was, replied, "O she's fine, I hae ta'en her to Banchory"; and on it
+being innocently remarked that the change of air would do her good, he
+looked up and with a half-smile said, "Hoot, she's i' the kirkyard."
+
+
+="Terms--'Cash Down'"=
+
+A story is told of a member of the Scotch Faculty of Advocates,
+distinguished for his literary attainments. One day, presenting himself
+on horseback at a toll, he found, on searching his pockets, that he had
+not a farthing about him wherewith to purchase a right of passage. He
+disclosed his circumstances to the man who kept the bar, and requested
+that he might have credit till he came back; but the fellow was deaf to
+all entreaties, representing how often he had been bilked by persons
+promising the same thing. The advocate was offended at this insinuation,
+and, drawing himself up in the saddle, exclaimed: "Look at my face, sir,
+and say if you think I am likely to cheat you?" The man looked as he was
+desired, but answered, with a shake of his head, "I'll thank you for the
+twapence, sir." Mr. ---- was obliged to turn back.
+
+
+=Forcing a Judge to Obey the Law=
+
+The Lord Justice-Clerk is the chief judge of the Scottish Criminal
+Court, in addition to which dignity he sits at the head of one division
+of the great Civil Court of the country. It will thus be understood by a
+southern reader that he is a personage of no small local dignity. A
+bearer of this office was once shooting over the grounds of a friend in
+Ayrshire by himself, when a game-keeper, who was unacquainted with his
+person, came up and demanded to see his license, or card of permission.
+His lordship had, unfortunately nothing of the sort about his person;
+but, secure in his high character and dignity, he made very light of the
+omission, and was preparing to renew his sport. The man, however, was
+zealous in his trust, and sternly forbad him to proceed any further over
+the fields. "What, sirrah," cries his lordship, "do you know whom you
+are speaking to? I am the Lord Justice-Clerk!" "I dinna care," replied
+the man, "whase clerk ye are; but ye maun shank aff these grounds, or,
+by my saul, I'll lay your feet fast." The reader is left to conceive the
+astonishment of the unfortunate judge at finding himself treated in a
+style so different from his wont.
+
+
+="Nothing," and How to See It=
+
+An Irish priest, proceeding to chapel, observed several girls seated on
+a tombstone, and asked them what they were doing there? "Nothing at all,
+please your riverence," was the reply of one of them. "Nothing?" said
+the priest; "what is nothing?"
+
+"Shut your eyes, your riverence," retorted the girl, "and you'll see
+it."
+
+
+=Why Not?=
+
+A gentleman the other day, visiting a school at Edinburgh, had a book
+put in his hand for the purpose of examining a class. The word
+"inheritance" occurring in the verse, the querist interrogated the
+youngest as follows:
+
+"What is inheritance?"
+
+"Patrimony."
+
+"What is patrimony?"
+
+"Something left by a father."
+
+"What would you call it if left by a mother?"
+
+"Matrimony."
+
+
+=True (perhaps) of Other Places than Dundee=
+
+In the committee on the factory bill, the following sensible question
+was put to a witness named Peter Stuart, the overseer of the factory at
+Dundee. Question: "When do your girls marry?" "_Whenever they can meet
+with men!_"
+
+
+=Pretending to Make a Will=
+
+An old gentleman was one evening amusing the junior members of his
+family, and a number of their acquaintances, by making up a sort of
+imaginary will, in which he destined so much to one and so much to
+another; the eight-day clock to his niece or nephew, the bed to that,
+the table to a third, and so on. "But what will you leave to me, Mr.
+K.----?" said a lady, who felt impatient to know what was to be her lot.
+"I leave you _out_," replied the testator.
+
+
+=Unusual for a Scotchman=
+
+A countryman having read in the newspapers accounts of different bank
+failures, and having a hundred pounds deposited in a respectable banking
+company in Aberdeen, he became alarmed for its safety, hastened to town,
+and, calling at the bank, presented his deposit receipt, and, on
+demanding his money was paid, as is customary, with notes of the bank;
+he grasped them in his hand, and having got within reach of the door
+turned round, and exclaimed, "Noo, sir, ye may braik when ye like."
+
+
+=An Author and His Printer=
+
+It is well known to literary people, that, in preparing works for the
+printer, after the proof sheets have been seen by the author, to go over
+them again, and clear them of what are called typographical errors--such
+as wrong spellings, inaccuracies of punctuation, and similar
+imperfections. In performing this office for a celebrated northern
+critic and editor, a printer, now dead, was in the habit of introducing
+a much greater number of commas than it appeared to the author the sense
+required. The case was provoking, but did not produce a formal
+remonstrance, until Mr. W----n himself accidentally afforded the learned
+editor an opportunity of signifying his dissatisfaction with the
+plethora of punctuation under which his compositions were made to labor.
+The worthy printer coming to a passage one day which he did not
+understand, very naturally took it into his head that it was
+unintelligible, and transmitted it to his employer, with a remark on the
+margin, that there appeared some "obscurity in it."
+
+The sheet was immediately returned, with the reply, which we give
+_verbatim_: "Mr. J---- sees no obscurity here, except such as arises
+from the quantity of commas, which Mr. W----n seems to keep in a
+pepper-box beside him, for the purpose of dusting all his proofs with."
+
+
+=A Keen Reproof=
+
+A certain person, to show his detestation of Hume's infidel opinions
+always left any company where he happened to be, if Hume joined it. The
+latter, observing this, took occasion one day to reprehend it as
+follows: "Friend," said he, "I am surprised to find you display such a
+pointed aversion to me; I would wish to be upon good terms with you
+here, as, upon your own system, it seems very probable we shall be
+doomed to the same place hereafter. You think I shall be dammed for want
+of faith, and I fear you will have the same fate for want of charity."
+
+
+=The Scotch Mason and the Angel=
+
+The late Mr. Douglas, of Cavers, in Roxburghshire, one day walked into
+Cavers churchyard, where he saw a stonemason busily engaged in carving
+an angel upon a gravestone. Observing that the man was adorning the
+heavenly spirit, according to the custom of the age, with a grand
+flowing periwig, Mr. Douglas exclaimed to him, "in the name of wonder,
+who ever saw an angel with a wig?" "And in the name of wonder," answered
+the sculptor, "wha ever saw an angel _without_ ane?"
+
+
+=A Whole-witted Sermon from a Half-Witted Preacher=
+
+A half-witted itinerant preacher, well-known in the county of Ayr, was
+stopped one evening on the road to Stewarton, by a band of shearers, who
+insisted on his retiring to a neighboring field to give them a sermon.
+After many attempts on his part to get off, and threats on theirs if he
+did not comply, the honest man was compelled to consent; and, from the
+back of his shaggy haired sheltie, he delivered to his bare-footed
+audience the following extemporaneous effusion, taking for his text
+these words: "Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I
+return thither." (Job 1: v. 21.) "In discoursing from these words," said
+the preacher, "I shall observe the three following things: (1) Man's
+ingress into the world; (2) His progress through the world; and (3) His
+egress out of the world. First, man's ingress into the world is naked
+and bare; secondly, his progress through the world is trouble and care;
+thirdly, his egress out of the world is nobody knows where. To
+conclude: If we do well here, we shall do well there. And I could tell
+you no more were I to preach a whole year."
+
+
+=More Witty Than True=
+
+There lived about the beginning of last century an Episcopalian
+clergyman of the name of Robert Calder, who was considered an
+extraordinary wit, and, who, at least, must be allowed to have used very
+extraordinary expressions. He published a _jeu d' esprit_ under the form
+of a catechism, in which a person is made to ask: "Who was the first
+Presbyterian?" The answer is "Jonah." "How do ye make Jonah out to be
+the first Presbyterian?" is again asked. "Why," answers the other,
+"because the Lord wanted him to gang east and he gaed wast!" (The same
+might be said of Adam and all who preceded or succeeded Jonah--not
+excepting Robert Calder.--Ed.)
+
+
+=The Parson and His "Thirdly"=
+
+A certain minister had a custom of writing the heads of his discourse on
+small slips of paper, which he placed on the Bible before him to be used
+in succession. One day when he was explaining the second head, he got so
+excited in his discourse, that he caused the ensuing slip to fall over
+the side of the pulpit, though unperceived by himself. On reaching the
+end of the second head, he looked down for the third slip; but alas! it
+was not to be found. "Thirdly," he cried looking around him with great
+anxiety. After a little pause, "Thirdly," again he exclaimed; but still
+no thirdly appeared. "Thirdly, I say, my brethren," pursued the
+bewildered clergyman; but not another word could he utter. At this
+point, while the congregation were partly sympathizing, and partly
+rejoicing at this decisive instance of the impropriety of using notes in
+preaching--which has always been an unpopular thing in Scotland, an old
+woman rose up and thus addressed the preacher: "If I'm no' mista'en,
+sir, I saw thirdly flee out at the east window, a quarter of an hour
+syne."
+
+
+=Scotch Ingenuity=
+
+The Jacobite lairds of Fife were once, on the occasion of an election,
+induced to sign the oath of abjuration in great numbers, in order to
+vote for a friend of their party. It was much against their conscience;
+but the case was such as to make them wink pretty hard. During the
+carousal which followed, Mr. Balfour, of Forrat, a Jacobite of the old
+stamp, began, to their surprise, to inveigh against them as a set of
+perjured rascals, not remembering apparently, that he had signed as well
+as the rest. They burst out with one universal question: "How can you
+speak this way, Forrat, since you are just as guilty as ony o' us?"
+"That am I no'," said Forrat, with a triumphant air of innocence and
+waggery; "look ye at the list of names, and ye'll see the word _witness_
+at the end of mine. I just signed as witness to your perjury!"
+
+
+=Bolder Than Charles the Bold=
+
+Joannes Scotus, the early Scotch philosopher, being in company with
+Charles the Bold, King of France, that monarch asked him good humoredly,
+what was the difference between a Scot and a sot. Scotus, who sat
+opposite the king, answered, "Only the breadth of the table."
+
+
+="Short Commons"=
+
+A Mid-Lothian farmer, observed to his ploughboy that there was a fly in
+his milk.
+
+"Oh, never mind, sir," said the boy; "it winna droon; there's nae meikle
+o't."
+
+"Gudewife," said the farmer, "Jock says he has ower little milk."
+
+"There's milk enough for a' my bread," said the sly rogue.
+
+
+=The Shoemaker and Small Feet=
+
+A lady, who seemed rather vain, entered a bootmaker's shop one day with
+the usual complaint; "Why, Mr. S----, these boots you last made for me
+are much too big; I really can't understand how you always make that
+mistake. Can you not make small boots?"
+
+"Ou, ay," quickly responded the man; "I can mak' sma' buits, but I'm
+sorry I canna mak' sma' feet."
+
+
+=Pleasant Prospect Beyond the Grave=
+
+An elderly lady, intending to purchase the upper flat of a house in
+Prince's Street, opposite the West Church Burying-ground, Edinburgh,
+from which the chain of Pentland Hills formed a beautiful background,
+after having been made acquainted with all its conveniences, and the
+beauty of its situation, elegantly enumerated by the builder, he
+requested her to cast her eye on the romantic hills at a distance, on
+the other side of the church-yard. The lady admitted that she had
+"certainly a most pleasant prospect _beyond the grave_."
+
+
+=Pulpit Foolery=
+
+The Rev. Hamilton Paul, a Scotch clergyman, is said to have been a
+reviver of Dean Swift's walk of wit in choice of texts. For example,
+when he left the town of Ayr, where he was understood to have been a
+great favorite with the fair sex, he preached his valedictory sermon
+from this passage, "And they all fell upon Paul's neck and kissed him."
+Another time, when he was called on to preach before a military company
+in green uniforms, he preached from the words, "And I beheld men like
+trees walking." Paul was always ready to have a gibe at the damsels.
+Near Portobello, there is a sea-bathing place named Joppa, and Paul's
+congregation was once thinned by the number of his female votaries who
+went thither. On the Sabbath after their wending he preached from the
+text, "Send men to Joppa." In a similar manner he improved the occasion
+of the mysterious disappearance of one of his parishioners, Moses
+Marshall, by selecting for his text the passage from Exodus xxii, "As
+for this Moses, we wot not what is become of him." He once made serious
+proposals to a young lady whose Christian name was Lydia. On this
+occasion the clerical wit took for his text: "And a certain woman, named
+Lydia, heard us; whose heart the Lord opened, that she attended unto the
+things which were spoken of Paul." [9]
+
+
+=A Restful Preacher=
+
+Dean Ramsay relates that the Earl of Lauderdale was alarmingly ill, one
+distressing symptom being a total absence of sleep, without which the
+medical man declared he could not recover. His son, who was somewhat
+simple, was seated under the table, and cried out, "Sen' for that
+preaching man frae Livingstone, for fayther aye sleeps in the kirk." One
+of the doctors thought the hint worth attending to, and the experiment
+of "getting a minister till him" succeeded, for sleep came on and the
+earl recovered. [7]
+
+
+=Why the Bishops Disliked the Bible=
+
+A Bishop of Dunkeld, in Scotland, before the Reformation, thanked God
+that he never knew what the Old and New Testaments were, affirming that
+he cared to know no more than his Portius and Pontifical. At a diet in
+Germany, one Bishop Albertus, lighting by chance upon a Bible, commenced
+reading; one of his colleagues asked him what book it was. "I know not,"
+was the reply, "but this I find, that whatever I read in it, is utterly
+against our religion." [9]
+
+
+=The Same with a Difference=
+
+A young wit asked a man who rode about on a wretched horse: "Is that the
+same horse you had last year?" "Na," said the man, brandishing his whip
+in the interrogator's face in so emphatic a manner as to preclude
+further questioning; "na, but it's the same _whup_." [7]
+
+
+=Official Consolation and Callousness=
+
+A friend has told me of a characteristic answer given by a driver to a
+traveler who complained of an inconvenience. A gentleman sitting
+opposite my friend in the stage-coach at Berwick, complained bitterly
+that the cushion on which he sat was quite wet. On looking up to the
+roof he saw a hole through which the rain descended copiously, and at
+once accounted for the mischief. He called for the coachman, and in
+great wrath reproached him with the evil under which he suffered, and
+pointed to the hole which was the cause of it. All the satisfaction,
+however, that he got was the quiet unmoved reply, "Ay, mony a ane has
+complained o' _that_ hole." [7]
+
+
+=Objecting to Scotch "Tarmes"=
+
+In early times a Scotch laird had much difficulty (as many worthy lairds
+have still) in meeting the claims of those two woful periods of the year
+called in Scotland the "tarmes." He had been employing for some time, as
+workman, a stranger from the south, on some house repairs. The workman
+rejoiced in the not uncommon name in England of "Christmas." The laird's
+servant, early one morning, called out at his bedroom door, in great
+excitement, that "Christmas had run away, and nobody knew where he had
+gone." He turned in his bed with the earnest ejaculation, "I only wish
+he had taken Whitsunday and Martinmas along with him."
+
+
+=A Patient Lady=
+
+The Rev. John Brown, of Haddington, the well-known author of the
+"Self-Interpreting Bible," was a man of singular bashfulness. In proof
+of the truth of this statement I need only state that his courtship
+lasted seven years. Six years and a half had passed away, and the
+reverend gentleman had got no further than he had been the first six
+days. This state of things became intolerable, a step in advance must be
+made, and Mr. Brown summoned all his courage for the deed. "Janet," said
+he one day, as they sat in solemn silence, "we've been acquainted now
+six years an' mair, and I've ne'er gotten a kiss yet. D'ye think I might
+take one, my bonny lass?" "Just as you like, John; only be becoming and
+proper wi' it." "Surely, Janet; we'll ask a blessing." The blessing was
+asked, the kiss was taken, and the worthy divine, perfectly overpowered
+with the blissful sensation, most rapturously exclaimed, "Heigh! lass,
+but it is _gude_. We'll return thanks." Six months after, the pious pair
+were made one flesh, and, added his descendant, who humorously told the
+tale, "a happier couple never spent a long and useful life
+together." [9]
+
+
+=Curious Pulpit Notice=
+
+John Brown, Burgher minister at Whitburn (son of the commentator, and
+father of the late Rev. Dr. John Brown, of Edinburgh, and grandfather of
+the accomplished M.D. of the same name), in the early part of the
+century was traveling on a small sheltie (a Shetland pony) to attend the
+summer sacrament at Haddington. Between Musselburgh and Tranent he
+overtook one of his own people.
+
+"What are ye daein' here, Janet, and whaur ye gaun in this warm
+weather?"
+
+"'Deed, sir," quoth Janet, "I'm gaun to Haddington for the occasion (the
+Lord's Supper), an' expeck to hear ye preach this afternoon."
+
+"Very weel, Janet, but whaur ye gaun to sleep?"
+
+"I dinna ken, sir, but providence is aye kind, an'll provide a bed."
+
+On Mr. Brown jogged, but kindly thought of his humble follower;
+accordingly, after service in the afternoon, before pronouncing the
+blessing, he said from the pulpit, "Whaur's the auld wife that followed
+me frae Whitburn?"
+
+"Here I'm, sir," uttered a shrill voice from a back seat.
+
+"Aweel," said Mr. Brown; "I have fand ye a bed; ye're to sleep wi'
+Johnnie Fife's lass."
+
+
+="Wishes Never Filled the Bag"=
+
+There are always pointed anecdotes against houses wanting in a liberal
+and hospitable expenditure in Scotland. Thus, we have heard of a master
+leaving such a mansion, and taxing his servant with being drunk, which
+he had too often been after country visits. On this occasion, however,
+he was innocent of the charge, for he had not the _opportunity_ to
+transgress. So, when his master asserted, "Jemmy, you are drunk!" Jemmy
+very quietly answered, "Indeed, sir, I wish I wur."
+
+
+=Not Used to It=
+
+On one occasion an eccentric Scotchman, having business with the late
+Duke of Hamilton at Hamilton Palace, the Duke politely asked him to
+lunch. A liveried servant waited upon them, and was most assiduous in
+his attentions to the duke and his guest. At last our eccentric friend
+lost patience, and looking at the servant, addressed him thus: "What the
+deil for are ye dance, dance, dancing about the room that gait; can ye
+no' draw in your chair and sit down? I'm sure there's _plenty on the
+table for three_." [7]
+
+
+="Effectual Calling"=
+
+Maitland, the Jacobite historian of Edinburgh, relates with infinite
+zest the following anecdote of the Rev. Robert Bruce, the zealous
+Presbyterian minister who boldly bearded King James I: "1589, August
+15.--Robert Bruce, one of the four ministers of Edinburgh, threatening
+to leave the town" (the reason from what follows, may be easily guessed
+at), "great endeavors were used to prevent his going; but none, it
+seems, so prevalent as that of the increase of his stipend to one
+thousand merks, which the good man was graciously pleased to accept,
+though it only amounted to one hundred and forty merks more than all the
+stipends of the other three ministers."
+
+
+=Motive for Church-Going=
+
+An old man, who for years walked every Sunday from Newhaven to Edinburgh
+to attend the late Dr. Jones' church, was one day complimented by that
+venerable clergyman for the regularity of his appearance in church. The
+old man unconsciously evinced how little he deserved the compliment by
+this reply: "'Deed, sir, its very true; but I like to hear the jingling
+o' the bells and see a' the braw folk." [9]
+
+
+="Grace" with No Meat After=
+
+A little girl of eight years of age was taken by her grandmother to
+church. The parish minister was not only a long preacher, but, as the
+custom was, delivered two sermons on the Sabbath day without any
+interval, and thus save the parishioners the two journeys to church.
+Elizabeth was sufficiently wearied before the close of the first
+discourse; but when, after singing and prayer, the good minister opened
+the Bible, read a second text, and prepared to give a second sermon, the
+young girl being both tired and hungry, lost all patience, and cried out
+to her grandmother, to the no small amusement of those who were so near
+as to hear her, "Come awa', Granny, and gang home; this is a lang grace,
+and nae meat." [7]
+
+
+="No Better than Pharaoh"=
+
+In a town of one of the central counties a Mr. J---- carried on, about a
+century ago, a very extensive business in the linen manufacture.
+Although _strikes_ were then unknown among the laboring classes, the
+spirit from which these take their rise has no doubt at all times
+existed. Among Mr. J----'s many workmen, one had given him constant
+annoyance for years, from his argumentative spirit. Insisting one day on
+getting something or other which his master thought most unreasonable,
+and refused to give in to, he at last submitted, with a bad grace,
+saying, "You're nae better than _Pharaoh_, sir, forcin' puir folks to
+mak' bricks without straw." "Well, Saunders," quietly rejoined his
+master, "if I'm nae better than Pharaoh, in one respect, I'll be better
+in another, for _I'll no' hinder ye going to the wilderness whenever ye
+choose_."
+
+
+=Not One of "The Establishment"=
+
+At an hotel in Glasgow, a gentleman, finding that the person who acted
+as a waiter could not give him certain information which he wanted, put
+the question, "Do you belong to the establishment?" to which James
+replied, "No, sir; I belong to the Free Kirk."
+
+
+=A Board-School Examiner Floored=
+
+The parish minister in a town not a hundred miles from Dumfermline,
+Fifeshire, was recently going his round of all the board schools in the
+course of systematic examination. The day was warm, and the minister,
+feeling exhausted on reaching the school, took a seat for a few minutes
+to cool down and recover his breath; but even while doing so he thought
+he might as well utilize the time in a congenial sort of way, being
+naturally a bit of a wag. So he addressed the boys thus: "Well, lads,
+can any of you tell me why black sheep eat less than white sheep?"
+
+There was no answer to this question, and the minister, after telling
+them it was because there were fewer of them, with pretended severity
+said he was sorry to see them in such a state of ignorance as not to be
+able to answer such a simple question, but he would give them another.
+
+"Can any of you lads tell me what bishop of the Church of England has
+the largest hat?"
+
+Here the children were again cornered for a solution.
+
+"What! don't you know," said the minister, "that the bishop with the
+largest hat is the bishop with the largest head? But seeing I have been
+giving you some puzzling questions, I will now allow you to have your
+turn and put some questions to me, to see if I can answer them."
+
+Silence fell upon the whole school. No one was apparently bold enough to
+tackle the minister. At length, from the far corner of the room, a
+little chap of about seven years got to his feet, and with an audacity
+that actually appalled the master, cried out in a loud, shrill, piping
+voice, with the utmost _sang froid_:
+
+"Can you tell me why millers wear white caps?"
+
+The minister was perfectly astounded, and for the life of him could find
+no solution of the problem.
+
+He began to feel somewhat uncomfortable, while the master frowned with
+awful threatening in his glance at the undaunted young culprit, who
+stood calmly waiting a reply to his poser.
+
+"No, my boy," said the minister at length; "I cannot tell why millers
+wear white caps. What is the reason?"
+
+"Weel, sir," replied the young shaver, "millers wear white caps just to
+cover their heads."
+
+It is needless to remark that the roar which followed rather
+disconcerted the minister, and he had some difficulty afterwards in
+proceeding with his official examination.
+
+
+=Keeping His Threat--at His Own Expense=
+
+An examiner at the Edinburgh University had made himself obnoxious by
+warning the students against putting hats on the desk. The university in
+the Scottish capital is (or was) remarkable for a scarcity of cloak
+rooms, and in the excitement of examination hats are, or used to be,
+flung down anywhere. The examiner announced one day that if he found
+another hat on his desk he would "rip it up."
+
+The next day no hats were laid there when the students assembled.
+Presently, however, the examiner was called out of the room. Then some
+naughty undergraduate slipped from his seat, got the examiner's hat, and
+placed it on the desk. When the examiner re-entered the hall every eye
+was fixed upon him. He observed the hat, and a gleam of triumph shot
+across his face.
+
+"Gentlemen," he continued, "I told you what would happen if this
+occurred again."
+
+Then he took his penknife from his pocket, opened it, and blandly cut
+the hat in pieces amidst prolonged applause.
+
+
+=New Style of Riding in a Funeral Procession=
+
+The following anecdote is an amusing illustration of the working of a
+defective brain, in a half-witted carle, who used to range the county of
+Galloway, armed with a huge pike-staff, and who one day met a funeral
+procession a few miles from Wigtown.
+
+A long train of carriages, and farmers on horseback, suggested the
+propriety of his bestriding his staff, and following after the funeral.
+The procession marched at a brisk pace, and on reaching the kirkyard
+stile, as each rider dismounted, "Daft Jock" descended from his wooden
+steed, besmeared with mire and perspiration, exclaiming, "Heck, sirs,
+had it no' been for the fashion o' the thing, I micht as well hae been
+on my ain feet." [7]
+
+
+=Absence of Humor--Illustrated=
+
+Few amusements in the world are funnier than the play of different ideas
+under similar sounds, and it would be hard to find a thing more
+universally understood and caught at than a pun; but there really are
+individuals so made that a word can mean but one thing to them, and even
+metaphors must go on all-fours. Lord Morpeth used to tell of a Scotch
+friend of his who, to the remark that some people could not feel a jest
+unless it was fired at them with a cannon, replied: "Weel, but how can
+ye fire a jest out of a cannon, man?"
+
+
+=The Best Time to Quarrel=
+
+In Lanarkshire, there lived a sma' laird named Hamilton, who was noted
+for his eccentricity. On one occasion, a neighbor waited on him, and
+requested his name as an accommodation to a bill for twenty pounds at
+three months date, which led to the following characteristic and truly
+Scottish colloquy:
+
+"Na, na, I canna do that."
+
+"What for no', laird? Ye hae dune the same thing for ithers."
+
+"Ay, ay, Tammas, but there's wheels within wheels ye ken naething about;
+I canna do't."
+
+"It's a sma' affair to refuse me, laird."
+
+"Weel, ye see, Tammas, if I was to pit my name till't ye wad get the
+siller frae the bank, and when the time came round, ye wadna be ready,
+and I wad hae to pay't; sae then you and me wad quarrel; sae we mae just
+as weel quarrel _the noo_, as lang's the siller's in ma pouch."
+
+
+=The Horse That Kept His Promise=
+
+A laird sold a horse to an Englishman, saying, "You buy him as you see
+him; but he's an _honest beast_." The purchaser took him home. In a few
+days he stumbled and fell, to the damage of his own knees and his
+rider's head. On this the angry purchaser remonstrated with the laird,
+whose reply was, "Weel, sir, I told ye he was an honest beast; many a
+time has he threatened to come down with me, and I kenned he would keep
+his word some day."
+
+
+=A "Grand" Piano=
+
+At Glasgow, in a private house, Dr. Von Bulow, having been asked by his
+hostess what he thought of her piano, replied in these words: "Madam,
+your piano leaves something to be desired. It needs new strings," he
+added, in answer to the lady's inquiries as to what it really required.
+"The hammers, too, want new leather," he continued; "and, while you are
+about it, with the new leather, you may as well have new wood. Then,
+when the inside of your piano has been completely renovated," he
+concluded, having now worked himself into a rage, "call in two strong
+men, throw it out of the window, and burn it in the street."
+
+
+=Scottish Patriotism=
+
+It is more common in Scotland than in England to find national feeling
+breaking out in national humor upon great events connected with national
+_history_. The following is perhaps as good as any: The Rev. Robert
+Scott, a Scotchman, who forgot not Scotland in his southern vicarage,
+tells me that at Inverary, some thirty years ago, he could not help
+overhearing the conversation of some Lowland cattle-dealers in the
+public room in which he was. The subject of the bravery of our navy
+being started, one of the interlocutors expressed his surprise that
+Nelson should have issued his signal at Trafalgar in the terms,
+"_England expects_," etc. He was met with the answer (which seemed
+highly satisfactory to the rest), "Ay, Nelson only said '_expects_' of
+the English; he said nothing of Scotland, for he _kent_ the _Scotch_
+would do theirs."
+
+
+="Purpose"--not "Performance"--Heaven's Standard=
+
+The following occurred between a laird and an elder: A certain laird in
+Fife, well known for his parsimonious habits, whilst his substance
+largely increased did not increase his liberality, and his weekly
+contribution to the church collection never exceeded the sum of one
+penny. One day, however, by mistake he dropped into the plate at the
+door a five-shilling piece, but discovering his error before he was
+seated in his pew, hurried back, and was about to replace the crown by
+his customary penny, when the elder in attendance cried out, "Stop,
+laird; ye may put _in_ what ye like, but ye maun tak' naething _out_!"
+The laird, finding his explanations went for nothing, at last said,
+"Aweel, I suppose I'll get credit for it in heaven." "Na, na, laird,"
+said the elder, "ye'll only get credit for a penny."
+
+
+=The Book Worms=
+
+Robert Burns once met with a copy of Shakespeare in a nobleman's
+library, the text of which had been neglected and had become worm-eaten.
+It was beautifully bound. Burns at once wrote the following lines:
+
+ Through and through the inspired leaves,
+ Ye maggots, make your windings;
+ But oh! respect his lordship's tastes,
+ And spare his golden bindings. [2]
+
+
+="Uncertainty of Life" from Two Good Points of View=
+
+"Ah, sir," said a gloomy-looking minister of the Scotch Kirk, addressing
+a stranger who was standing on the bridge of the _Lord of the Isles_, as
+she steamed through the Kyles of Bute, "does the thought ever occur to
+ye of the great oncertainty of life?"
+
+"Indeed it does," returned the stranger, briskly, "many times a day."
+
+"And have you ever reflected, sir," went on the minister, "that we may
+be launched into eternity at any instant?"
+
+"Yes," returned the stranger, "I have thought of that, and said it, too,
+thousands of times."
+
+"Indeed," ejaculated the parson; "then it is possible I am speaking to a
+brother meenister?"
+
+"Well, no," answered the other promptly, "you are not. If you must know,
+I am traveling agent of the Royal Lynx Life Assurance Association; and,
+if you are not assured, I can strongly recommend you to give our office
+a turn. You will find special terms for ministers in Table K of our
+prospectus"; and handing the astonished divine a printed leaflet from
+his satchel, he left him without another word.
+
+
+=Providing a Mouthful for the Cow=
+
+Old Maggie Dee had fully her share of Scotch prudence and economy. One
+bonnet had served her turn for upwards of a dozen years, and some young
+ladies who lived in the neighborhood, in offering to make and present
+her with a new one, asked whether she would prefer silk or straw as
+material.
+
+"Weel, my lassies," said Maggie, after mature deliberation, "since ye
+insist on giein' me a bonnet, I think I'll tak' a strae ane; it will,
+maybe, juist be a mou'fu' to the coo when I'm through wi't."
+
+
+=A Poor Place for a Cadger=
+
+An English traveler had gone on a fine Highland road so long, without
+having seen an indication of fellow-travelers, that he became astonished
+at the solitude of the country; and no doubt before the Highlands were
+so much frequented as they are in our time, the roads had a very
+striking aspect of solitariness. Our traveler at last coming up to an
+old man breaking stones, he asked him if there was any traffic on this
+road--was it at _all_ frequented?
+
+"Ay," he said, "it's no' ill at that; there was a cadger body yestreen,
+and there's yoursell the day."
+
+
+=The Kirk of Lamington=
+
+ As cauld a wind as ever blew,
+ A caulder kirk, and in't but few;
+ As cauld a minister's e'er spak',
+ Ye'se a' be het ere I come back. [2]
+
+
+="Lost Labor"=
+
+One of Dr. Macknight's parishioners, a humorous blacksmith, who thought
+his pastor's writing of learned books was a sad waste of time, being
+asked if the doctor was at home, answered: "Na, na; he's awa to Edinbro'
+on a foolish job."
+
+The doctor had gone off to the printer's with his laborious and valuable
+work, "The Harmony of the Four Gospels." On being further asked what
+this useless work might be which engaged a minister's time and
+attention, the blacksmith replied: "He's gane to mak' four men agree wha
+never cast (fell) out."
+
+
+=A New Story Book--at the Time=
+
+Sir Walter Scott once stated that he kept a Lowland laird waiting for
+him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the
+laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's
+Dictionary.
+
+"Well, Mr. ----," said Sir Walter, "how do you like your book?"
+
+"They're vera pretty stories, Sir Walter," replied the laird, "but
+they're unco' short."
+
+
+=Will Any Gentleman Oblige "a Lady"?=
+
+In a tramway car at Glasgow, one wet afternoon, a woman of fifty--made
+up to look as nearly like twenty-five as possible--got on board at a
+crossing, to find every seat occupied. She stood for a moment, and then
+selecting a poorly dressed man of about forty years of age, she
+observed: "Are there no gentlemen on the car?"
+
+"I dinna ken," he replied, as he looked up and down. "If there's nane,
+I'll hunt up one for you at the end of the line."
+
+There was an embarrasing silence for a moment, and then a light broke in
+on him all of a sudden, and he rose and said: "But ye can hae this seat:
+I'm aye wellin' to stan' and gi'e my seat to an _auld_ bodie."
+
+That decided her. She gave him a look which he will not forget till his
+dying day, and grasping the strap she refused to sit down, even when
+five seats had become vacant.
+
+
+=Ham and Cheese=
+
+On one occasion the late Rev. Walter Dunlop, of the U.P. Church,
+Dumfries, after a hard day's labor, and while at "denner-tea," as he
+called it, kept incessantly praising the "haam," and stating that "Mrs.
+Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was," when the
+mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham.
+
+"It's unco' kin' o' ye, unco' kin'--but I'll no' pit ye to the trouble;
+I'll just tak' it hame on the horse afore me."
+
+When, on leaving, he mounted, and the ham was put into the sack, some
+difficulty was experienced in getting it to lie properly. His inventive
+genius soon cut the Gordian-knot.
+
+"I think, mistress, a cheese in the ither en' would mak' a gran'
+balance."
+
+The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John Gilpin, he
+moved away with his "balance true." [7]
+
+
+="A Reduction on a Series"=
+
+When the son of a certain London banker had eloped to Scotland with a
+great heiress whom he married, still retaining a paternal taste for
+parsimony, he objected to the demand of two guineas made by the "priest"
+at Gretna Green, stating that Captain ---- had reported the canonical
+charge to be only five shillings. "True," replied Vulcan, "but Captain
+---- is an Irishman, and I've married him five times; so I consider him
+a regular customer; whereas, I may never see your face again."
+
+
+=The Selkirk Grace=[1]
+
+ Some hae meat, and canna eat,
+ And some wad eat that want it;
+ But we hae meat and we can eat,
+ And sae the Lord be thankit. [2]
+
+
+=Inconsistencies of "God's People"=
+
+An entertaining anecdote, illustrative of life in the Scotch Highlands,
+is told by a border minister who once found himself a guest at a
+Presbytery meeting.
+
+"After dinner, though there was no wine, there was no lack of whiskey.
+This, each made into toddy, weak or strong, just as he liked it. No set
+speeches were made or toasts proposed. After each had drunk two or three
+tumblers, and no voice was heard above the hum of conversation, the
+stranger got to his feet, and craving the leave of the company, begged
+to propose a toast. All were silent, until the moderator, with solemn
+voice, told him that God's people in that part of the country were not
+in the habit of drinking toasts. He felt himself rebuked, yet rejoined,
+that he had been in a good many places, but had never before seen God's
+people drink so much toddy."
+
+
+=Sending Him to Sleep=
+
+"Sleepin, Tonald?" said a Highlander to a drowsy acquaintance, whom he
+found ruminating on the grass in a horizontal position.
+
+"No, Tuncan," was the ready answer.
+
+"Then, Tonald, would you'll no' lend me ten and twenty shillings?" was
+the next question.
+
+"Ough, ough!" was the response with a heavy snore; "I'm sleepin' now,
+Tuncan, my lad."
+
+How convenient it would be if we could always evade troublesome
+requests, like our Highlander here, by feigning ourselves in the land of
+dreams!
+
+
+=Wiser Than Solomon=
+
+Two Scotch lairds conversing, one said to the other that he thought they
+were wiser than Solomon. "How's that?" said the other. "Why," said the
+first, "he did not know whether his son might not be a fool, and we know
+that ours are sure to be."
+
+
+=Modern Improvements=
+
+Sir Alexander Ramsay had been constructing, upon his estate in Scotland,
+a piece of machinery, which was driven by a stream of water running
+through the home farmyard. There was a threshing machine, a winnowing
+machine, a circular saw for splitting trees, and other contrivances.
+
+Observing an old man, who had been long about the place, looking very
+attentively at all that was going on, Sir Alexander said:
+
+"Wonderful things people can do now, Robby?"
+
+"Ay, indeed, Sir Alexander," said Robby; "I'm thinking that if Solomon
+was alive now, he'd be thought naething o'!" [7]
+
+
+=Knox and Claverhouse=
+
+The shortest chronicle of the Reformation, by Knox, and of the wars of
+Claverhouse (Claver'se) in Scotland, which we know of, is that of an old
+lady who, in speaking of those troublous times remarked: "Scotland had a
+sair time o't. First we had Knox deavin' us wi' his clavers, and syne
+we've had Claver'se deavin' us wi' his knocks."
+
+
+=A Scotch Fair Proclamation of Olden Days=
+
+"Oh, yes!--an' that's e'e time. Oh, yes!--an' that's twa times. Oh,
+yes!--an that's the third and last time. All manner of person or persons
+whatsover let 'em draw near, an' I shall let 'em ken that there is a
+fair to be held at the muckle town of Langholm, for the space of aught
+days, wherein any hustrin, custrin, land-hopper dub-shouper, or
+gent-the-gate-swinger, shall breed any hurdam, durdam, rabble-ment,
+babble-ment or squabble-ment, he shall have his lugs tacked to the
+muckle throne with a nail of twa-a-penny, until he's down on his
+bodshanks, and up with his muckle doup, and pray to ha'en nine times,
+'God bless the King,' and thrice the muckle Laird of Reltown, paying a
+goat to me, Jemmy Ferguson, baillie to the aforesaid manor. So you've
+heard my proclamation, and I'll gang hame to my dinner."
+
+
+="Though Lost to Sight--to Memory Dear!"=
+
+Some time ago a good wife, residing in the neighborhood of Perth, went
+to town to purchase some little necessaries, and to visit several of her
+old acquaintances. In the course of her peregrinations she had the
+misfortune to lose a one-pound note. Returning home with a saddened
+heart she encountered her husband, employed in the cottage garden, to
+whom she communicated at great length all her transactions in town,
+concluding with the question: "But man you canna guess what's befaun
+me?"
+
+"Deed, I canna guess," said the husband, resting musingly on his spade.
+
+"Aweel," rejoined his helpmate, "I hae lost a note; but dinna be
+angry--for we ought to be mair than thankfu' that we had ane to lose!"
+
+
+=The Philosophy of Battle and Victory=
+
+During the long French war two old ladies in Scotland were going to the
+kirk. The one said to the other: "Was it no' a wonderful thing that
+Breetish were aye victorious in battle?"
+
+"Not a bit," said the other lady; "dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say
+their prayers before gaun into battle?"
+
+The other replied: "But canna the French say their prayers as weel?"
+
+The reply was most characteristic. "Hoot! sic jabberin' bodies; wha
+could understand them if thae did?"
+
+
+=Patriotism and Economy=
+
+When Sir John Carr was at Glasgow, in the year 1807, he was asked by the
+magistrates to give his advice concerning the inscription to be placed
+on Nelson's monument, then just completed. The knight recommended this
+brief record: "Glasgow to Nelson."
+
+"True," said the baillies, "and as there is the town of Nelson near us,
+we might add, 'Glasgow to Nelson nine miles,' so that the column might
+serve for the milestone and a monument."
+
+
+=Husband! Husband! Cease Your Strife!=
+
+ "Husband, husband, cease your strife,
+ Nor longer idly rave, sir!
+ Tho' I am your wedded wife,
+ Yet, I'm not your slave, sir!"
+
+ "_One of two must still obey,
+ Nancy, Nancy;
+ Is it man, or woman, say,
+ My spouse, Nancy?_"
+
+ "If 'tis still the lordly word--
+ 'Service' and 'obedience,'
+ I'll desert my sov'reign lord,
+ And so, good-by, allegiance!"
+
+ _"Sad will I be, so bereft,
+ Nancy, Nancy!
+ Yet, I'll try to make a shift,
+ My spouse, Nancy."_
+
+ "My poor heart, then break it must,
+ My last hour, I'm near it;
+ When you lay me in the dust,
+ Think, think how you'll bear it."
+
+ _"I will hope and trust in heaven,
+ Nancy, Nancy;
+ Strength to bear it will be given,
+ My spouse, Nancy."_
+
+ "Well, sir, from the silent dead
+ Still I'll try to daunt you,
+ Ever round your midnight bed
+ Horrid sprites shall haunt you."
+
+ _"I'll wed another_, like my dear
+ Nancy, Nancy;
+ _Then, all hell will fly for fear
+ My spouse, Nancy."_ [2]
+
+
+=A Scathing Scottish Preacher in Finsbury Park=
+
+People in Finsbury Park, one Sunday in August, 1890, were much edified
+by the drily humorous remarks of a canny Scotchman who was holding a
+religious service. The "eternal feminine" came in for severe strictures,
+this man from auld Reekie speaking of woman as "a calamity on two legs."
+He had also a word or two to say on government meanness, of which this
+is an illustration. An old friend of his who had been through Waterloo,
+retired from the army on the munificent pension of 13½_d._ per day. When
+he died the government claimed his wooden leg! [3]
+
+
+=A Saving Clause=
+
+A Scotch teetotal society has been formed among farmers. There is a
+clause in one of the rules that permits the use of whiskey at
+sheep-dipping time. One worthy member keeps a sheep which he dips every
+day.
+
+
+=The Man at the Wheel=
+
+Dr. Adam, in the intervals of his labors as rector of the High School of
+Edinburgh, was accustomed to spend many hours in the shop of his friend
+Booge, the famous cutler, sometimes grinding knives and scissors, at
+other times driving the wheel. One day two English gentlemen, attending
+the university, called upon Booge (for he was an excellent Greek and
+Latin scholar), in order that he might construe for them some passage in
+Greek which they could not understand. On looking at it, Booge found
+that the passage "feckled" him; but, being a wag, he said to the
+students, "Oh, it's quite simple. My laboring man at the wheel will
+translate it for you. John!" calling to the old man, "come here a
+moment, will you?"
+
+The apparent laborer came forward, when Booge showed him the passage in
+Greek, which the students wished to have translated. The old man put on
+his spectacles, examined the passage, and proceeded to give a learned
+exposition, in the course of which he cited several scholastic authors
+in support of his views as to its proper translation. Having done so, he
+returned to his cutler's wheel.
+
+Of course the students were amazed at the learning of the laboring man.
+They said they had heard much of the erudition of the Edinburgh
+tradesmen, but what they had listened to was beyond anything they could
+have imagined. [1]
+
+
+=Spiking an Old Gun=
+
+When Mr. Shirra was parish minister of St. Miriam's, one of the members
+of the church was John Henderson, or Anderson--a very decent douce
+shoemaker--and who left the church and joined the Independents, who had
+a meeting in Stirling. Some time afterwards, when Mr. Shirra met John
+on the road, he said, "And so, John, I understand you have become an
+Independent?"
+
+"'Deed, sir," replied John, "that's true."
+
+"Oh, John," said the minister, "I'm sure you ken that a rowin' (rolling)
+stane gathers nae fog" (moss).
+
+"Ay," said John, "that's true, too; but can ye tell me what guid the fog
+does to the stane?" [7]
+
+
+=Playing at Ghosts=
+
+Some boys boarded with a teacher in Scotland, whose house was not very
+far from a country church-yard. They determined to alarm the old
+grave-digger, who was in the habit of reaching his cottage, often late
+at night, by a short cut through the burying-ground. One boy, named
+Warren, who was especially mischievous, and had often teased old Andrew,
+dressed himself up in a white sheet, and, with his companions, hid
+behind the graves.
+
+After waiting patiently, but not without some anxiety and fear, for
+Andrew, he was at last seen approaching the memorial-stone behind which
+Warren was ensconced. Soon a number of low moans were heard coming from
+among the graves.
+
+"Ah, keep us a'!" exclaimed Andrew. "What's that?"
+
+And as he approached slowly and cautiously towards the tombstones, a
+white figure arose, and got taller and taller before his eyes.
+
+"What's that?" asked Andrew, with a voice which seemed to tremble with
+fear, although, if anyone had seen how he grasped his stick, he would
+not have seen his hand tremble.
+
+"It's the resurrection!" exclaimed the irreverent Bully Warren.
+
+"The resurrection!" replied Andrew. "May I tak' the leeberty o' askin',"
+he continued slowly, approaching the ghost, "if it's the general ane, or
+are ye jist takin' a quiet daunder by yersel'?"
+
+So saying, Andrew rushed at the ghost, and seizing it--while a number of
+smaller ghosts rose, and ran in terror to the schoolhouse--he exclaimed,
+"Come awa' wi' me! I think I surely haena buried ye deep eneuch, when
+ye can rise so easy. But I hae dug a fine deep grave this morning, and
+I'll put ye in't, and cover ye up wi' sae muckle yirth, that, my werd,
+ye'll no' get out for another daunder."
+
+So saying, Andrew, by way of carrying out his threats, dragged Master
+Bully Warren towards his newly-made grave.
+
+The boy's horror may be imagined, as Andrew was too powerful to permit
+of his escape. He assailed the old man with agonized petitions for
+mercy, for he was a great coward.
+
+"I'm not a ghost! Oh, Andrew, I'm Peter Warren! Andrew! Don't burry me!
+I'll never again annoy you! Oh--o--o--o--o!"
+
+Andrew, after he had administered what he considered due punishment, let
+Warren off with the admonition: "Never daur to speak o' gude things in
+yon way. Never play at ghaists again, or leevin' folk like me may grup
+you, an' mak' a ghaist o' ye. Aff wi ye!"
+
+
+="Two Blacks Don't Make a White"=
+
+The family of a certain Scotch nobleman having become rather irregular
+in their attendance at church, the fact was observed and commented on by
+their neighbors. A lady, anxious to defend them and to prove that the
+family pew was not so often vacant as was supposed, said that his
+lordship's two black servants were there every Sunday. "Ay," said a
+gentleman present, "but two blacks don't mak' a white."
+
+
+=From Pugilism to Pulpit=
+
+Fuller was in early life, when a farmer lad at Soham, famous as a boxer;
+not quarrelsome, but not without "the stern delight" a man of strength
+and courage feels in his exercise. Dr. Charles Stewart, of Dunearn,
+whose rare gifts and graces as a physician, a divine, a scholar, and a
+gentleman, live only in the memory of those few who knew and survive
+him, liked to tell how Mr. Fuller used to say, that when he was in the
+pulpit, and saw a _buirdly_ man come along the passage, he would
+instinctively draw himself up, measure his imaginary antagonist, and
+forecast how he would deal with him, his hands meanwhile condensing into
+fists, and tending to "square." He must have been a hard hitter if he
+boxed as he preached--what "the fancy" would call "an ugly customer." [4]
+
+
+=A Consistent Seceder=
+
+A worthy old seceder used to ride from Gargrennock to Bucklyvie every
+Sabbath to attend the Burgher Kirk. One day, as he rode past the parish
+kirk of Kippen, the elder of the place accosted him, "I'm sure, John,
+it's no' like the thing to see you ridin' in sic' a downpour o' rain sae
+far by to thae seceders. Ye ken the mercifu' man is mercifu' to his
+beast. Could ye no step in by?"
+
+"Weel," said John, "I wadna care sae muckle about stablin' my beast
+inside, but it's anither thing mysel' gain' in." [7]
+
+
+="No Road this Way!"=
+
+The following anecdote is told regarding the late Lord Dundrennan: A
+half-silly basket-woman passing down his avenue at Compstone one day, he
+met her, and said, "My good woman, there's no road this way."
+
+"Na, sir," she said, "I think ye're wrang there; I think it's a most
+beautifu' road." [7]
+
+
+=Shakespeare--Nowhere!=
+
+It is related, as characteristic of the ardor of Scottish nationality,
+that, at a representation of Home's _Douglas_, at Glasgow or Edinburgh,
+a Scotchman turned, at some striking passage in the drama, and said to a
+Southron at his elbow: "And wher's your Wully Shakespeare noo?"
+
+
+=Steeple or People?=
+
+Shortly after the disruption of the Free Church of Scotland from the
+church paid by the State, a farmer going to church met another going in
+the opposite direction.
+
+"Whaur are ye gaen?" said he. "To the Free Kirk?"
+
+"Ou, ay, to the Free Kirk," cried the other in derision:
+
+ "The Free Kirk--
+ The wee kirk--
+ The kirk wi'out the steeple!"
+
+"Ay, ay," replied the first, "an' ye'll be gaen till
+
+ "The auld kirk--
+ The cauld kirk--
+ The kirk wi'out the people!"
+
+This ended the colloquy for that occasion.
+
+
+=Hume Canonized=
+
+Hume's house in Edinburgh stood at the corner of a new street which had
+not yet received any name. A witty young lady, a daughter of Baron Ord,
+chalked on the wall of the house the words, "St. David's Street." Hume's
+maid-servant read them, and apprehensive that some joke was intended
+against her master, went in great alarm to report the matter to him.
+"Never mind, my lass," said the philosopher; "many a better man has been
+made a saint of before."
+
+
+=Two Ways of Mending Ways=
+
+The Rev. Mr. M----, of Bathgate, came up to a street pavior one day, and
+addressed him: "Eh, John, what's this you're at?"
+
+"Oh! I'm mending the ways of Bathgate!"
+
+"Ah, John, I've long been tryin' to mend the ways o' Bathgate, an'
+they're no' weel yet."
+
+"Weel, Mr. M----, if you had tried my plan, and come doon to your
+_knees_, ye wad maybe hae come maar speed!"
+
+
+=The Prophet's Chamber=
+
+A Scotch preacher, being sent to officiate one Sunday at a country
+parish, was accommodated at night in the manse in a very diminutive
+closet, instead of the usual best bedroom appropriated to strangers.
+
+"Is this the bedroom?" he said, starting back in amazement.
+
+"'Deed, ay, sir; this is the prophet's chamber."
+
+"It must be for the _minor_ prophets, then," said the discomfited
+parson.
+
+
+=Objecting to Long Sermons=
+
+A minister in the north was taking to task one of his hearers who was a
+frequent defaulter, and was reproaching him as an habitual absentee from
+public worship. The accused vindicated himself on the plea of a dislike
+to long sermons.
+
+"'Deed, man," said his reverend minister, a little nettled at the
+insinuation thrown out against himself, "if ye dinna mend, ye may land
+yerself where ye'll no' be troubled wi' mony sermons, either lang or
+short."
+
+"Weel, aiblins sae," retorted John, "but it mayna be for want o'
+ministers."
+
+
+=A Serious Dog and for a Serious Reason=
+
+A Highland gamekeeper, when asked why a certain terrier, of singular
+pluck, was so much more solemn than the other dogs, said: "Oh, sir,
+life's full o' sairiousness to him--he first can never get enuff o'
+fechtin'."
+
+
+=A Clever "Turn"=
+
+Lord Elibank, the Scotch peer, was told that Dr. Johnson, in his
+dictionary, had defined oats to be food for horses in England and for
+men in Scotland. "Ay," said his lordship, "and where else can you find
+such horses and such men?"
+
+
+=Entrance Free, and "Everything Found"=
+
+A member of the Scottish bar, when a youth, was somewhat of a dandy, and
+was still more remarkable for the shortness of his temper. One day,
+being about to pay a visit to the country, he made a great fuss in
+packing up his clothes for the journey, and his old aunt, annoyed at the
+bustle, said: "Whaur's this you're gaun, Robby, that you mak' sic a
+grand ware about your claes?"
+
+The young man lost his temper, and pettishly replied, "I am going to the
+devil."
+
+"'Deed, Robby, then," was the quiet answer, "ye need na be sae nice, for
+he'll just tak' ye as ye are."
+
+
+=Two Questions on the Fall of Man=
+
+The Rev. Ralph Erskine, one of the fathers of the secession from the
+Kirk of Scotland, on a certain occasion paid a visit to his venerable
+brother, Ebenezer, at Abernethy.
+
+"Oh, man!" said the latter, "but ye come in a gude time. I've a diet of
+examination to-day, and ye maun tak' it, as I have matters o' life and
+death to settle at Perth."
+
+"With all my heart," quoth Ralph.
+
+"Noo, my Billy," says Ebenezer, "ye'll find a' my folk easy to examine
+but ane, and him I reckon ye had better no' meddle wi'. He has our
+old-fashioned Scotch way of answering a question by putting another, and
+maybe he'll affront ye."
+
+"Affront me!" quoth the indignant theologian; "do ye think he can foil
+me wi' my ain natural toils?"
+
+"Aweel," says his brother, "I'se gie ye fair warning, ye had better no'
+ca' him up."
+
+The recusant was one Walter Simpson, the Vulcan of the parish. Ralph,
+indignant at the bare idea of such an illiterate clown chopping divinity
+with him, determined to pose him at once with a grand leading
+unanswerable question. Accordingly, after putting some questions to some
+of the people present, he all at once, with a loud voice, cried out,
+"Walter Simpson!"
+
+"Here, sir," says Walter, "are ye wanting me?"
+
+"Attention, sir! Now Walter, can you tell me how long Adam stood in a
+state of innocence?"
+
+"Ay, till he got a wife," instantly cried the blacksmith. "But," added
+he, "can _you_ tell me hoo lang he stood after?"
+
+"Sit doon, Walter," said the discomfited divine.
+
+
+=The Speech of a Cannibal=
+
+"Poor-man-of-mutton" is a term applied to a shoulder-of-mutton in
+Scotland after it has been served as a roast at dinner, and appears as
+a broiled bone at supper, or at the dinner next day. The Scotch Earl of
+B----, popularly known as Old Rag, being at an hotel in London, the
+landlord came in one morning to enumerate the good things in the larder.
+"Landlord," said the Earl of B----, "I think I _could_ eat a morsel of
+poor man." This strange announcement, coupled with the extreme ugliness
+of his lordship, so terrified Boniface that he fled from the room and
+tumbled down the stairs. He supposed that the Earl, when at home, was in
+the habit of eating a joint of a vassal, or tenant, when his appetite
+was dainty.
+
+
+=Not "in Chains"=
+
+A Londoner was traveling on one of the Clyde steamers, and as it was
+passing the beautiful town of Largs, then little larger than a village,
+and unnoticed in his guide-book, he asked a Highland countryman, a
+fellow passenger, its name.
+
+"Oh, that's Largs, sir."
+
+"Is it incorporated?"
+
+"Chwat's your wull, sir?"
+
+"Is it incorporated?"
+
+"Chwat's your wull, sir?"
+
+"Dear me! Is it a borough? Has it magistrates?"
+
+"Oh, yess, sir. Largs has a provost and bailies."
+
+Anxious to have the question of incorporation settled, and aware that
+Scotch civic magistrates are invested with golden chains of office,
+which they usually wear round their necks, our London friend put his
+next question thus: "Do the magistrates wear chains?"
+
+The countryman very indignantly replied, "Na, na, sir; the provost and
+bailies o' Largs aye gang loose."
+
+
+=A Piper's Opinion of a Lord--and Himself=
+
+"The stately step of a piper" is a proverb in Scotland, which reminds us
+of an anecdote of a certain noble lord, when in attendance upon the
+Queen at Balmoral, a few years ago. Having been commissioned by a
+friend to procure a performer on the pipes--he applied to her majesty's
+piper--a fine stalwart Highlander; and on being asked what kind of
+article was required, his lordship said in reply, "Just such another as
+yourself." The consequential Celt readily exclaimed "There's plenty o'
+lords like yourself, but very few sic pipers as me."
+
+
+=A Modern Dumb Devil (D.D.)=
+
+Mr. Dunlop happened one day to be present in a Church Court in a
+neighboring presbytery. A Rev. Dr. was one day asked to pray, and
+declined.
+
+On the meeting adjourning, Mr. Dunlop stepped up to the doctor, and
+asked how he did. The doctor never having been introduced, did not
+reply.
+
+Mr. Dunlop withdrew, and said to a friend, "Eh! but is' na he a queer
+man, that doctor; he'll neither speak to God nor man?"
+
+
+=A Curiously Unfortunate Coincidence in Psalm Singing=
+
+In the parish church of Fettercairn, a custom existed, and indeed still
+lingers in some parts of Scotland, of the precentor on communion Sabbath
+reading out each single line of the psalm before it was sung by the
+congregation. This practice gave rise to a somewhat unfortunate
+introduction of a line from the First Psalm. In most churches in
+Scotland the communion tables are placed in the centre of the church.
+After sermon and prayer the seats round these tables are occupied by the
+communicants while a psalm is being sung. On one communion Sunday, the
+precentor observed the noble family of Eglinton approaching the tables,
+and saw that they were likely to be kept out by those who pressed in
+before them. Being very zealous for their accommodation, he called out
+to an individual whom he considered to be the principal obstacle in the
+passage, "Come back, Jock, and let in the noble family of Eglinton"; and
+then, turning again to his psalm-book, gave out the line, "Nor stand in
+sinners' way."
+
+
+=Living With His Uncle=
+
+A little boy had lived some time with a penurious uncle, who took good
+care that the child's health should not be injured by overfeeding. The
+uncle was one day walking out, the child at his side, when a friend
+accosted him, accompanied by a greyhound. While the elders were talking,
+the little fellow, never having seen a dog so slim and slight in
+texture, clasped the creature round the neck with the impassioned cry,
+"Oh, doggie, doggie, and did ye live wi' your uncle, tae, that ye are so
+thin?" [7]
+
+
+=Pulpit Familiarity=
+
+A pastor of a small congregation of Dissenters in the west of Scotland,
+who, in prayer, often employed terms of familiarity towards the great
+Being whom he invoked, was addressing his petition in the season of an
+apparently doubtful harvest, that He would grant such weather as was
+necessary for ripening and gathering in the fruits of the ground; when
+suddenly, he added, "But what need I talk? When I was up at Shotts the
+other day, everything was as green as leeks."
+
+
+=A Churl Congratulated=
+
+Hume went to a newspaper office, and laid on the counter an announcement
+of the death of some friend, together with five shillings, the usual
+price of such advertisements. The clerk, who had a very rough manner,
+demanded seven shillings and sixpence, the extra charge being for the
+words: "he was universally beloved and regretted." Hume paid the money,
+saying, gravely, "Congratulate yourself, sir, that this is an expense
+which your executors will never be put to."
+
+
+=Touching Each Other's Limitations=
+
+There once lived in Cupar a merchant whose store contained supplies of
+every character and description, so that he was commonly known by the
+sobriquet of "Robbie A' Thing." One day a minister who was well known
+for making a free use of his notes in the pulpit, called at the store
+asking for a rope and pin to tether a young calf in the glebe.
+
+Robbie at once informed him that he could not furnish such articles to
+him.
+
+But the minister being somewhat importunate, said: "Oh! I thought you
+were named 'Robbie A' Thing,' from the fact that you keep all kinds of
+goods."
+
+"Weel, a weel," said Robbie, "I keep a' thing in my shop but calf's
+tether-pins, and paper sermons for ministers to read."
+
+
+="Having the Advantage"=
+
+The Rev. Mr. Johnstone, of Monquhitter, a very grandiloquent pulpit
+orator in his day, accosting a traveling piper, well known in the
+district, with the question, "Well, John, how does the wind pay?"
+received from John, with a low bow, the answer, "Your reverence has the
+advantage of me." [7]
+
+
+=Giving Them the Length of His Tongue=
+
+A lawyer in an Edinburgh court occupied the whole day with a speech
+which was anything but interesting to his auditors.
+
+Some one, who had left the court-room and returned again after the
+interval of some hours, finding the same harangue going on, said to Lord
+Cockburn, "Is not H---- taking up a great deal of time?"
+
+"Time?" said Cockburn; "he has long ago exhausted time, and encroached
+upon eternity."
+
+
+=Sectarian Resemblances=
+
+A friend of mine used to tell a story of an honest builder's views of
+church differences, which was very amusing and quaintly professional. An
+English gentleman who had arrived in a Scottish county town, was walking
+about to examine various objects which presented themselves, and
+observed two rather handsome places of worship in the course of erection
+nearly opposite each other. He addressed a person, who happened to be
+the contractor for the chapels, and asked, "What was the difference
+between these two places of worship which was springing up so close to
+each other?" meaning, of course, the difference of the theological
+tenets of the two congregations.
+
+The contractor, who thought only of architectural differences,
+innocently replied, "There may be a difference of sax feet in length,
+but there's no' aboon a few inches in breadth."
+
+Would that all religious differences could be brought within so narrow a
+compass. [7]
+
+
+=A Process of Exhaustion=
+
+A Scotch minister was asked if he was not very much exhausted after
+preaching three hours. "Oh, no," he replied; "but it would have done you
+good to see how worried the people were."
+
+
+=A Thoughtless Wish=
+
+A landed proprietor in the small county of Rutland became very intimate
+with the Duke of Argyle, to whom, in the plenitude of his friendship, he
+said: "How I wish your estate were in my county!" Upon which the duke
+replied, "I'm thinking, if it were, there would be _no room for yours_."
+
+
+=Sunday Thoughts on Recreation=
+
+The Rev. Adam Wadderstone, minister in Bathgate, was an excellent man
+and as excellent a curler, who died in 1780. Late one Saturday night one
+of his elders received a challenge from the people of Shotts to the
+curlers of Bathgate to meet them early on Monday morning; and after
+tossing about half the night at a loss how to convey the pleasing news
+to the minister, he determined to tell him before he entered the pulpit.
+
+When Mr. Wadderstone entered the session-house, the elder said to him in
+a loud tone, "Sir, I've something to tell ye; there's to be a parish
+play with the Shotts folk the morn, at----"
+
+"Whist, man, whist!" was the rejoinder. "Oh, fie, shame, John! fie,
+shame! Nae speaking to-day about warldy recreations."
+
+But the ruling passion proved too strong for the worthy clergyman's
+scruples of conscience, for just as he was about to enter the inner door
+of the church, he suddenly wheeled round and returned to the elder, who
+was now standing at the plate in the lobby, and whispered in his ear,
+"But whan's the hoor, John? I'll be sure and be there. Let us sing,
+
+ "'That music dear to a curler's ear,
+ And enjoyed by him alone--
+ The merry chink of the curling rink,
+ And the boom of the roaring stone.'"
+
+
+=Relieving His Wife's Anxiety=
+
+A Scotchman became very poor by sickness. His refined and affectionate
+wife was struggling with him for the support of their children. He took
+to peddling with a one-horse wagon, as a business that would keep him in
+the open air and not tax his strength too much. One day, after having
+been sick at home for two or three weeks, he started out with his cart
+for a ten-day's trip, leaving his wife very anxious about him on account
+of his weakness. After going about fifteen miles his horse fell down and
+died. He got a farmer to hitch his horse to the cart and bring it home.
+As they were driving into the yard he saw the anxiety depicted on his
+wife's countenance, and being tenderly desirous to relieve it, he cried
+out, "Maria, its not me that's dead; its the mare!"
+
+
+=Radically Rude=
+
+Mr. Burgon, in his "Life of Tyler," tells the following amusing story:
+Captain Basil Hall was once traveling in an old-fashioned stage-coach,
+when he found himself opposite to a good-humored, jolly Dandy-Dinmount
+looking person, with whom he entered into conversation, and found him
+most intelligent. Dandie, who was a staunch Loyalist, as well as a stout
+yeoman, seemed equally pleased with his companion.
+
+"Troth, sir," he said, "I am well content to meet one wi' whom I can
+have a rational conversation, for I have been fairly put out. You see,
+sir, a Radical fellow came into the coach. It was the only time I ever
+saw a Radical; an' he begun abusing everything, saying that this wasna a
+kintra fit to live in. And first he abused the king. Sir, I stood that.
+And then he abused the constitution. Sir, I stood that. And then he
+abused the farmers. Well, sir, I stood it all. But then he took to
+abusing the yeomanry. Now, sir, you ken I couldna stand _that_, for I am
+a yeoman mysel'; so I was under the necessity of being a wee bit
+rude-like till him. So I seized him by the scruff of the neck: 'Do ye
+see that window, sir? Apologeeze, apologeeze this very minute, or I'll
+just put your head through the window.' Wi' that he _apologeezed_. 'Now,
+sir,' I said, 'you'll gang out o' the coach.' And wi' that I opened the
+door, and shot him out intil the road; and that's all I ever saw o' the
+Radical."
+
+
+="Gathering Up the Fragments"=
+
+The inveterate snuff-taker, like the dram-drinker, felt severely the
+being deprived of his accustomed stimulant, as in the following
+instance: A severe snowstorm in the Highlands which lasted for several
+weeks, having stopped all communications betwixt neighboring hamlets,
+the snuff-boxes were soon reduced to their last pinch. Borrowing and
+begging from all the neighbors within reach were first resorted to, but
+when these failed they were all alike reduced to the longing which
+unwillingly-abstinent snuff-takers alone know. The minister of the
+parish was amongst the unhappy number, the craving was so intense that
+study was out of the question, and he became quite restless. As a last
+resource, the beadle was dispatched, through the snow, to a neighboring
+glen, in the hope getting a supply; but he came back as unsuccessful as
+he went.
+
+"What's to be dune, John?" was the minister's pathetic inquiry.
+
+John shook his head, as much as to say that he could not tell; but
+immediately thereafter started up, as if a new idea had occurred to him.
+He came back in a few minutes, crying, "Hae!"
+
+The minister, too eager to be scrutinizing, took a long, deep pinch, and
+then said, "Whaur did you get it?"
+
+"I soupit (swept) the poupit," was John's expressive reply.
+
+The minister's accumulated superfluous Sabbath snuff now came into good
+use.
+
+
+=Sleepy Churchgoers=
+
+The bowls of rum punch which so remarkably characterized the Glasgow
+dinners of last century, and the early part of the present, it is to be
+feared, made some of the congregation given to somnolency on the Sundays
+following. The members of the town council often adopted Saturdays for
+such meetings; accordingly, the Rev. Mr. Thorn, an excellent clergyman,
+took occasion to mark this propensity with some acerbity. A dog had been
+very troublesome, when the minister at last gave orders to the beadle,
+"Take out that dog; he'd wauken a Glasgow magistrate." [7]
+
+
+=A Highland Chief and His Doctor=
+
+Dr. Gregory (of immortal mixture memory) used to tell a story of an old
+Highland chieftain, intended to show how such Celtic potentates were
+once held to be superior to all the usual considerations which affected
+ordinary mortals. The doctor, after due examination, had, in his usual
+decided and blunt manner, pronounced the liver of a Highlander to be at
+fault, and to be the cause of his ill-health. His patient, who could not
+but consider this as taking a great liberty with a Highland chieftain,
+roared out, "And what business is it of yours whether I have a liver or
+not?"
+
+
+="Rippets" and Humility=
+
+The following is a dry Scottish case of a minister's wife quietly
+"kaming her husband's head." Mr. Mair, a Scotch minister, was rather
+short-tempered, and had a wife named Rebecca, whom, for brevity's sake,
+he addressed as Becky. He kept a diary and among other entries this one
+was very frequent--"Becky and I had a rippet, for which I desire to be
+humble."
+
+A gentleman who had been on a visit to the minister went to Edinburgh,
+and told the story to a minister and his wife there, when the lady
+replied, "Weel, he must have been an excellent man, Mr. Mair. My husband
+and I some times, too, have 'rippets' but catch him if he's ever
+humble." [7]
+
+
+="Kaming" Her Ain Head=
+
+The late good, kind-hearted Dr. David Dickson was fond of telling a
+story of a Scottish termagant of the days before Kirk-session discipline
+had passed away. A couple were brought before the court, and Janet, the
+wife, was charged with violent, and undutiful conduct, and with wounding
+her husband, by throwing a three-legged stool at his head. The minister
+rebuked her conduct, and pointing out its grievous character, by
+explaining that just as Christ was head of his Church, so the husband
+was head of the wife; and therefore in assaulting _him_, she had in fact
+injured her own body.
+
+"Weel," she replied, "it's come to a fine pass gin a wife canna kame her
+ain head."
+
+"Aye, but Janet," rejoined the minister, "a three-legged stool is a
+thief-like bane-kame to scart yer ain head wi'!"
+
+
+=Splendid Use for Bagpipes=
+
+A Scottish piper was passing through a deep forest. In the evening he
+sat down to take his supper. He had hardly began when a number of
+wolves, prowling about for food, collected round him. In self-defence,
+the poor man began to throw pieces of victuals to them, which they
+greedily devoured. When he had disposed of all, in a fit of despair he
+took his pipes and began to play. The unusual sound terrified the wolves
+so much that they scampered off in every direction. Observing this,
+Sandy quietly remarked: "Od, an' I'd kenned ye liket the pipes sae weel,
+I'd a gi'en ye a spring _afore_ supper."
+
+
+=Practical Piety=
+
+The following story was told by the Rev. William Arnot at a soirée in
+Sir W. H. Moncrief's church some years ago.
+
+Dr. Macleod and Dr. Watson were in the West Highlands together on a
+tour, ere leaving for India. While crossing a loch in a boat, in company
+with a number of passengers, a storm came on. One of the passengers was
+heard to say:
+
+"The twa ministers should begin to pray, or we'll a' be drooned."
+
+"Na, na," said a boatman; "the little ane can pray, if he likes, but the
+big ane must tak' an oar!" [10]
+
+
+="There Maun be Some Faut"=
+
+Old Mr. Downie, the parish minister of Banchory, was noted in my
+earliest days for his quiet pithy remarks on men and things as they came
+before him. His reply to his son, of whose social position he had no
+very exaulted opinion, was of this class. Young Downie had come to visit
+his father from the West Indies, and told him that on his return he was
+to be married to a lady whose high qualities and position he spoke of in
+extravagant terms. He assured his father that she was "quite young, was
+very rich, and very beautiful."
+
+"Aweel, Jemmy," said the old man, very quietly and very slily, "I'm
+thinking there maun be some _faut_." [7]
+
+
+=Deathbed Humor=
+
+The late Mr. Constable used to visit an old lady who was much attenuated
+by long illness, and on going upstairs one tremendously hot afternoon,
+the daughter was driving the flies away, saying: "These flies will eat
+up a' that remains o' my puir mither." The old lady opened her eyes, and
+the last words she spoke were: "What's left's good eneuch for them."
+
+
+=A Matter-of-Fact Death Scene=
+
+The Scottish people, without the least intention or purpose of being
+irreverent or unfeeling, often approach the awful question connected
+with the funerals of friends in a cool matter-of-fact manner. A tenant
+of Mr. George Lyon, of Wester Ogil, when on his death-bed, and his end
+near at hand, was thus addressed by his wife: "Willie, Willie, as lang
+as ye can speak, tell us are ye for your burial baps round or _square_?"
+Willie, having responded to this inquiry, was next asked if the
+_murners_ were to have _glooves_ or mittens--the latter having only a
+thumb-piece; and Willie, having answered, was allowed to depart in
+peace.
+
+
+=Acts of Parliament "Exhausted"=
+
+A junior minister having to assist at a church in a remote part of
+Aberdeenshire, the parochial minister (one of the old school) promised
+his young friend a good glass of whiskey-toddy after all was over,
+adding slily and very significantly, "and gude _smuggled_ whiskey."
+
+His southern guest thought it incumbent to say, "Ah, minister, that's
+wrong, is it not? You know it is contrary to Act of Parliament."
+
+The old Aberdonian could not so easily give up his fine whiskey, so he
+quietly said: "Oh, Acts of Parliament lose their breath before they get
+to Aberdeenshire."
+
+
+=Concentrated Caution=
+
+The most cautious answer certainly on record is that of the Scotchman
+who, being asked if he could play a fiddle, warily answered that he
+"couldna say, for he had never tried."
+
+
+=A "Grave" Hint=
+
+Mr. Mearns, of Kineff Manse, gave an exquisitely characteristic
+illustration of beadle _professional_ habits being made to bear upon the
+tender passion. A certain beadle had fancied the manse house-maid, but
+at a loss for an opportunity to declare himself, one day--a Sunday--when
+his duties were ended, he looked sheepish, and said, "Mary, wad _ye_
+tak' a turn, Mary?"
+
+He led her to the churchyard, and pointing with his finger, he got out:
+"My fowk lie there, Mary; wad ye like to lie there?"
+
+The _grave_ hint was taken, and she became his wife.
+
+
+=A Spiritual Barometer=
+
+There was an old bachelor clergyman whose landlady declared that he used
+to express an opinion of his dinner by the grace which he made to
+follow. When he had a good dinner which pleased him, and a good glass of
+beer with it, he poured forth the grace, "For the richest of Thy bounty
+and its blessings we offer our thanks." When he had had poor fare and
+poor beer, his grace was, "We thank Thee for the least of these Thy
+mercies."
+
+
+=A New Application of "The Argument from Design"=
+
+An honest Highlander, a genuine lover of sneeshin, observed, standing at
+the door of the Blair Athole Hotel, a magnificent man in full tartans,
+and noticed with much admiration the wide dimensions of his nostrils in
+a fine up-turned nose. He accosted him and, as his most complimentary
+act, offered him his mull for a pinch.
+
+The stranger drew up and rather haughtily said: "I never take snuff."
+
+"Oh," said the other, "that's a peety, for there's gran'
+_accommodation_."
+
+
+=Two Methods of Getting a Dog Out of Church=
+
+I had an anecdote from a friend of a reply from a betheral (beadle) to
+the minister _in_ church, which was quaint and amusing from the shrewd
+self-importance it indicated in his own acuteness. The clergyman had
+been annoyed during the course of his sermon by the restlessness and
+occasional whining of a dog, which at last began to bark outright. He
+looked out for the beadle, and directed him very peremptorily, "John,
+carry that dog out."
+
+John looked up to the pulpit and, with a very knowing expression, said:
+"Na, na, sir; I'se just mak' him gae out on his ain four legs." [7]
+
+
+=Born Too Late=
+
+A popular English nonconformist minister was residing with a family in
+Glasgow, while on a visit to that city, whither he had gone on a
+deputation from the Wesleyan Missionary Society. After dinner, in reply
+to an invitation to partake of some fine fruit, he mentioned to the
+family a curious circumstance concerning himself, viz.: that he had
+never in his life tasted an apple, pear, or grape, or indeed any kind of
+green fruit. This fact seemed to evoke considerable surprise from the
+company, but a cautious Scotchman, of a practical matter-of-fact turn of
+mind, and who had listened with much unconcern, drily remarked: "It's a
+peety but ye had been in Paradise, an' there might na hae been ony
+faa'."
+
+
+=A Preacher with his Back Towards Heaven=
+
+During one of the religious revivals in Scotland, a small farmer went
+about preaching with much fluency and zeal, the doctrine of a "full
+assurance" of faith, and expressed his belief of it for himself in such
+extravagant terms as few men would venture upon who were humble and
+cautious against presumption. The preacher, being personally rather
+remarkable as a man of greedy and selfish views in life, excited some
+suspicion in the breast of an old sagacious countryman, a neighbor of
+Dr. Macleod, who asked what _he_ thought of John as a preacher, and of
+his doctrine?
+
+Scratching his head, as if in some doubt, he replied, "_I never ken't a
+man sae sure o' heaven and so sweert_ (slow) _to be gaing taet_." [5]
+
+
+=Nearer the Bottom than the Top=
+
+A little boy who attended a day school near his home, was always asked
+in the evening how he stood in his own class. The invariable answer was,
+"I'm second dux," which means, in Scottish academical language, second
+from the top of the class. As his habits of application at home did not
+quite bear out the claims to so distinguished a literary position at
+school, one of the family ventured to ask what was the number in the
+class to which he was attached. After some hesitation, he was obliged to
+admit, "Ou, there's jist me and _anither lass_."
+
+
+=A Crushing Argument against MS. Sermons=
+
+A clergyman thought his people were making rather an unconscionable
+objection to his using an MS. in delivering a sermon.
+
+They urged, "What gars ye tak' up your bit papers to the pu'pit?"
+
+He replied that it was best, for really he could not remember his
+sermons, and must have his paper.
+
+"Weel, weel, minister, then dinna expect that _we_ can remember them."
+
+
+=Mortal Humor=
+
+Humor sometimes comes out on the very scaffold. An old man was once
+hanged for complicity in a murder. The rope broke, and he fell heavily
+to the ground. His first utterance when his breath returned to him was,
+"Ah, sheriff, sheriff, gie us fair hangin'."
+
+His friends demanded that he should be delivered up to them, as a second
+hanging was not contemplated in the sentence. But the old man, looking
+round on the curious crowd of gazers, and lifting up his voice, said,
+"Na, na, boys, I'll no gang hame to my neighbors to hear people pointing
+me oot as the half-hangit man; I'll be hangit oot."
+
+And he got his wish five minutes after.
+
+
+=A Fruitful Field=
+
+The following anecdote was communicated to me by a gentleman who
+happened to be a party to the conversation detailed below. This
+gentleman was passing along the road not one hundred miles from
+Peterhead one day. Two different farms skirt the separate sides of the
+turnpike, one of which is rented by a farmer who cultivates his land
+according to the most advanced system of agriculture, and the other of
+which is farmed by a gentleman of the old school.
+
+Our informant met the latter worthy at the side of the turnpike,
+opposite his neighbor's farm, and seeing a fine crop of wheat upon what
+appeared to be (and really was) very poor and thin land, asked, "When
+was that wheat sown?"
+
+"O, I dinna ken," replied the gentleman of the old school, with a sort
+of half indifference, half contempt.
+
+"But isn't it strange that such a fine crop should be reared on such bad
+land?" asked our informant.
+
+"O, na--nae at a'--devil thank it; a gravesteen wad gie guid bree gin ye
+geed it plenty o' butter." [7]
+
+
+=The "Minister's Man"=
+
+The "minister's man" was a functionary now less often to be met with. He
+was the minister's own servant and _factotum_. Amongst this class there
+was generally much Scottish humor and original character. They were
+(like the betheral, or beadle) great critics of sermons, and often
+severe upon strangers, sometimes with a sly hit at their own ministers.
+One of these, David, a well-known character, complimenting a young
+minister who had preached, told him, "Your introduction, sir, is aye
+grand; it's worth a' the rest o' the sermon,--could ye no' mak' it a'
+introduction?"
+
+David's criticisms of his master's sermons were sometimes sharp enough
+and shrewd. On one occasion, the minister was driving home from a
+neighboring church where he had been preaching, and where he had, as he
+thought, acquitted himself pretty well, inquired of David what _he_
+thought of it. The subject of discourse had been the escape of the
+Israelites from Egypt. So David opened his criticism:
+
+"Thocht o't, sir? Deed I thocht nocht o't ava. It was a vara imperfect
+discourse, in ma opinion; ye did well eneucht till ye took them through,
+but where did ye leave them? Just daunerin' o' the sea-shore without a
+place to gang till. Had it no' been for Pharaoh they had been better on
+the other side, where they were comfortably encampit than daunerin'
+where ye left them. It's painful to hear a sermon stoppit afore it is
+richt ended, just as it is to hear ane streeket out lang after it's
+dune. That's my opinion o' the sermon ye geid us to-day."
+
+"Very freely given, David, very freely given; drive on a little faster,
+for I think ye're daunerin' noo, yersell." [7]
+
+
+=A New and Original Scene in "Othello"=
+
+At a Scottish provincial theatre, a prompter named Walls, who, being
+exceedingly useful, frequently appeared on the stage, happened one
+evening to play the Duke, in "_Othello_." Previous to going on, he had
+given directions to a girl-of-all-work, who looked after the wardrobe,
+to bring a gill of best whiskey. Not wishing to go out, as the evening
+was wet, the girl deputed her little brother to execute the commission.
+The senate was assembled, and the speaker was--
+
+_Brabantio_: "For my particular grief is of so floodgate and o'erbearing
+nature, that it engluts and swallows other sorrows, and is still
+itself."
+
+_Duke_: "Why, what's the matter?"
+
+Here the little boy walked on to the stage with a pewter gill stoup, and
+thus delivered himself:
+
+"It's just the whusky, Mr. Walls, and I couldna get ony at fourpence, so
+yer awn the landlord a penny, an' he says it's time you were payin'
+whet's doon i' the book."
+
+The roars of laughter which followed from both audience and actors for
+some time prevented the further progress of the play.
+
+
+=The Shape of the Earth=
+
+A country schoolmaster of the old time was coaching his pupils for the
+yearly examination by the clergymen of the district. He had before him
+the junior geography class.
+
+"Can any little boy or girl tell me what is the shape of the earth?"
+
+To this there was no answer.
+
+"Oh, dear me, this is sad! What wull the minister sink o' this? Well,
+I'll gie you a token to mind it. What is the shape o' this snuff-box in
+ma han'?"
+
+"Square, sir," replied all.
+
+"Yes; but on the Sabbath, when a shange ma claes, I shange ma
+snuff-box, and I wears a round one. Will you mind that for a token?"
+
+Examination day came, and the junior geography class was called.
+
+"Fine intelligent class this, Mr. Mackenzie," said one of the clergymen.
+
+"Oh, yes, sir, they're na boor-like."
+
+"Can any of the little boys or girls tell me what is the shape of the
+earth?"
+
+Every hand was extended, every head thrown back, every eye flashed with
+eager excitement in the good old style of schools. One was singled out
+with a "You, my little fellow, tell us."
+
+"Roond on Sundays, and square all the rest o' the week."
+
+
+=Rivalry in Prayer=
+
+Yarmouth, Nova Scotia, has a wide-awake Presbyterian elder of Scotch
+character, who, although a persistent advocate of the Westminster
+Confession, occasionally for convenience sake--and from an innate love
+of religious intercourse--attends the meetings of his Methodist
+brethren.
+
+At a recent prayer-meeting that was held preparatory to a centennial
+service in commemoration of the progress of Methodism in Nova Scotia,
+the presiding minister dwelt eloquently upon the wonderful growth and
+prosperity of the Methodist Church, and upon the life of its great
+founder, John Wesley. He also expressed thankfulness that on that day
+there were one hundred and nine Methodist ministers in Nova Scotia. The
+meeting thus very decidedly assumed a denominational character, but the
+minister asked the good Presbyterian brother to lead in prayer at the
+close. The elder complied, and after thanking God for the many good
+things he had just heard "about this branch of Zion," he added, with
+much depth and feeling, "O Lord, we thank Thee for _John Knox_; we thank
+Thee for the one hundred and nine Methodist ministers in our country,
+but we _especially_ thank Thee for the _one hundred and thirteen_
+Presbyterian ministers who are preaching the Word of Life throughout our
+land. Amen."
+
+
+=A Compensation Balance=
+
+The answers of servants often curiously illustrate the habits and
+manners of the household. A bright maid-of-all-work, alluding to the
+activity and parsimony of her mistress, said, "She's vicious upo' the
+wark, but, eh, she's vary mysterious o' the victualing."
+
+
+=The "Sawbeth" at a Country Inn=
+
+The Rev. Moncure D. Conway, while traveling in the neighborhood of the
+Hebrides, heard several anecdotes illustrative of the fearful reverence
+with which Scotchmen in that region observe the Sabbath. Says he: "A
+minister of the kirk recently declared in public that at a country inn
+he wished the window raised, so that he might get some fresh air, but
+the landlady would not allow it, saying, 'Ye can hae no fresh air here
+on the Sawbeth.'" [11]
+
+
+=Scotchmen Everywhere=
+
+Was ever a place that hadn't its Scotchman? In a late English
+publication we find an account of a gentleman traveling in Turkey, who,
+arriving at a military station, took occasion to admire the martial
+appearance of two men. He says: "The Russian was a fine, soldier-like
+figure, nearly six feet high, with a heavy cuirassier moustache, and a
+latent figure betraying itself (as the 'physical force,' novelists say)
+in every line of his long muscular limbs. Our pasha was a short
+thick-set man, rather too round and puffy in the face to be very
+dignified; but the eager, restless glance of his quick gray eye showed
+that he had no want of energy. My friend, the interpreter, looked
+admiringly at the pair as they approached each other, and was just
+exclaiming, 'There, thank God, are a real Russian and a real Turk, and
+admirable specimens of their race, too!' when suddenly General Sarasoff
+and Ibraham Pasha, after staring at each other for a moment, burst forth
+simultaneously, 'Eh, Donald Cawmell, are _ye_ there?' 'Lord keep us,
+Sandy Robertson, can this be _you_?'"
+
+
+=A Bookseller's Knowledge of Books=
+
+A Glasgow bailie was one of a deputation sent from that city to Louis
+Philippe, when that monarch was on the French throne. The king received
+the deputation very graciously, and honored them with an invitation to
+dinner. During the evening the party retired to the royal library, where
+the king, having ascertained that the bailie followed the calling of
+bookseller, showed him the works of several English authors, and said to
+him: "You see, I am well supplied with standard works in English. There
+is a fine edition of Burke."
+
+The magistrate, familiar only with Burke the murderer, exclaimed: "Ah,
+the villain! I was there when he was hanged!"
+
+
+="Fou'--Aince"=
+
+George Webster once met a shepherd boy in Glenshee, and asked, "My man,
+were you ever fou'?"
+
+"Ay, aince"--speaking slowly, as if remembering--"Ay, aince."
+
+"What on?"
+
+"Cauld mutton!" [12]
+
+
+=Sunday Drinking=
+
+Dr. M----, accompanied by a friend, took a long walk on Sunday, and
+being fatigued, the two stopped at an inn to get some refreshment. The
+landlord stopped them at the door with the question whether they were
+_bona fide_ travelers, as such alone could enter his house on Sunday.
+They said they were from London, and were admitted. They were sent bread
+and cheese and stout. The stout was bad, and they sent for ale; but that
+being worse, they sent for whiskey. The landlord refused this, saying
+they had enough for their bodily necessities.
+
+After a great deal of urging for the whiskey, which the landlord
+withstood, M---- said, "Very well; if you won't sell us whiskey, we must
+use our own," at the same time pulling a flask out of his pocket.
+
+This was more than the Scotchman could stand. The sin was to be
+committed, and there would be no compensation to its heinousness in the
+way of profit to his inn. "Ah, weel," he said, "if ye maun have the
+whiskey, ye maun, an' I'll send ye the mateyrials."
+
+
+=Drawing an Inference=
+
+A certain functionary of a country parish is usually called the
+_minister's man_, and to one of these who had gone through a long course
+of such parish official life, a gentleman one day remarked--"John, ye
+hae been sae lang about the minister's hand that I dare say ye could
+preach a sermon yersell now."
+
+To which John modestly replied, "O na, sir, I couldna preach a sermon,
+but maybe I could draw an inference."
+
+"Well, John," said the gentleman, humoring the quiet vanity of the
+beadle, "what inference could ye draw frae this text, 'A wild ass
+snuffeth up the wind at her pleasure!" (Jer. ii: 24).
+
+"Weel, sir, I wad draw this inference:--she wad snuff a lang time afore
+she would fatten upon't." [7]
+
+
+=Going to Ramoth Gilead=
+
+A sailor, who had served the king so long at sea that he almost forgot
+the usages of civilized society on shore, went one day into the church
+at his native town of Kirkcaldy, in Fife, where it happened that the
+minister chose for his text the well-known passage, "Who will go up with
+us to Ramoth Gilead?"
+
+This emphatic appeal being read the second time, and in a still more
+impressive tone of voice, the thoughtless tar crammed a quid of tobacco
+into his cheek, rose up, put on his hat; then, looking around him, and
+seeing nobody moving, he exclaimed, "You cowardly lubbers! will none of
+you go with the old gentleman? I go for one."
+
+So out he went, giving three cheers at the door, to the amazement of all
+present.
+
+
+=Why Saul Threw a Javelin at David=
+
+A High-Churchman and a Scotch Presbyterian had been at the same church.
+The former asked the latter if he did not like the "introits."
+
+"I don't know what an introit is," was the reply.
+
+"But did you not enjoy the anthem?" said the churchman.
+
+"No, I did not enjoy it at all."
+
+"I am very sorry," said the churchman, "because it was used in the early
+church; in fact, it was originally sung by David."
+
+"Ah!" said the Scotchman, "then that explains the Scripture. I can
+understand why, if David sung it at that time, Saul threw his javelin at
+him."
+
+
+=A Sexton's Criticism=
+
+The following criticism by a Scotch sexton is not bad:
+
+A clergyman in the country had a stranger preaching for him one day, and
+meeting his sexton, asked, "Well, Saunders, how did you like the sermon
+to-day?"
+
+"It was rather ower plain and simple for me. I like thae sermons best
+that jumbles the joodgment and confoonds the sense. Od, sir, I never saw
+ane that could come up to yoursel' at that."
+
+
+=Strange Reason for Not Increasing a Minister's Stipend=
+
+A relative of mine going to church with a Forfarshire farmer, one of the
+old school, asked him the amount of the minister's stipend.
+
+He said, "Od, it's a gude ane--the maist part of £300 a year."
+
+"Well," said my relative, "many of these Scotch ministers are but poorly
+off."
+
+"They've eneuch, sir; they have eneuch; if they'd mair, it would want a'
+their time to the spending o't." [7]
+
+
+=Pulpit Eloquence=
+
+An old clerical friend upon Speyside, a confirmed old bachelor, on going
+up to the pulpit one Sunday to preach, found, after giving out the
+psalm, that he had forgotten his sermon. I do not know what his
+objections were to his leaving the pulpit and going to the manse for
+his sermon, but he preferred sending his old confidential housekeeper
+for it. He accordingly stood up in the pulpit, stopped the singing, when
+it had commenced, and thus accosted his faithful domestic: "Annie, I
+say, Annie, _we've_ committed a mistake the day. Ye maun jist gang your
+waa's hame, and ye'll get my sermon out o' my breek pouch, an' we'll
+sing to the praise o' the Lord till ye come back again." [7]
+
+
+=Maunderings, by a Scotchman=
+
+The following is said by _Chambers' Journal_ to have been written by a
+Scotchman. If so, the humorous way in which he is taking off a certain
+tendency of the Scotch mind, is delicious; if by an Englishman, the
+humor will be less keen, though not less fair.
+
+I am far frae being clear that Nature hersel', though a kindly auld
+carline, has been a'thegither just to Scotland seeing that she has sae
+contrived that some o' our greatest men, that ought by richt to hae been
+Scotchmen, were born in England and other countries, and sae have been
+kenned as Englishers, or else something not quite sae guid.
+
+There's glorious old Ben Jonson, the dramatic poet and scholar, that
+everybody tak's for a regular Londoner, merely because he happened to be
+born there. Ben's father, it's weel ken't, was a Johnston o' Annandale
+in Dumfriesshire, a bauld guid family there to this day. He is alloo't
+to hae been a gentleman, even by the English biographers o' his son;
+and, dootless, sae he was, sin' he was an Annandale Johnston. He had
+gane up to London, about the time o' Queen Mary, and was amang them that
+suffered under that sour uphalder o' popery. Ben, puir chiel', had the
+misfortune first to see the light somewhere aboot Charing Cross, instead
+o' the bonnie leas o' Ecclefechan, where his poetic soul wad hae been on
+far better feedin' grund, I reckon. But nae doot, he cam' to sit
+contented under the dispensations of Providence. Howsomever, he ought to
+be now ranked amang Scotchmen, that's a'.
+
+There was a still greater man in that same century, that's generally
+set down as a Lincolnshire-man, but ought to be looked on as next thing
+till a Scotchman, if no' a Scotchman out and out; and that's Sir Isaac
+Newton. They speak o' his forebears as come frae Newton in Lancashire;
+but the honest man himsel's the best authority aboot his ancestry, I
+should think; and didna he say to his friend Gregory ae day: "Gregory,
+ye warna aware that I'm o' the same country wi' yoursel'--I'm a
+Scotchman." It wad appear that Sir Isaac had an idea in his head, that
+he had come somehow o' the Scotch baronet o' the name o' Newton; and
+nothing can be better attested than that there was a Scotchman o' that
+name wha became a baronet by favor o' King James the Sixt (What for aye
+ca' him James the _First_?) having served that wise-headed king as
+preceptor to his eldest son, Prince Henry. Sae, ye see, there having
+been a Scotch Newton who was a baronet, and Sir Isaac thinking he cam'
+o' sic a man, the thing looks unco' like as if it were a fact. It's the
+mair likely, too, frae Sir Adam Newton having been a grand scholar and a
+man o' great natural ingenuity o' mind; for, as we a' ken right weel,
+bright abilities gang in families. There's a chiel' o' my acquentance
+that disna think the dates answer sae weel as they ought to do; but he
+ance lived a twalmonth in England, and I'm feared he's grown a wee thing
+prejudiced. Sae we'll say nae mair aboot _him_.
+
+Then, there was Willie Cowper, the author o' the _Task_, _John Gilpin_,
+and mony other poems. If ye were to gie implicit credence to his English
+biographers, ye wad believe that he cam' o' an auld Sussex family. But
+Cowper himsel' aye insisted that he had come o' a Fife gentleman o' lang
+syne, that had been fain to flit southwards, having mair guid blude in
+his veins than siller in his purse belike, as has been the case wi' mony
+a guid fellow before noo. It's certain that the town o' Cupar, whilk may
+hae gi'en the family its name, is the head town o' that county to this
+day. There was ane Willie Cowper, Bishop o' Galloway in the time o' King
+Jamie--a real good exerceesed Christian, although a bishop--and the
+poet jaloosed that this worthy man had been ane o' his relations. I
+dinna pretend to ken how the matter really stood; but it doesna look
+very likely that Cowper could hae taken up the notion o' a Scotch
+ancestry, if there hadna been some tradition to that effeck. I'm
+particularly vext that our country was cheated out o' haeing Cowper for
+ane o' her sons, for I trow he was weel worthy o' that honor; and if
+Providence had willed that he should hae been born and brought up in
+Scotland, I haena the least doot that he wad hae been a minister, and
+ane too, that wad hae pleased the folk just extrornar.
+
+There was a German philosopher in the last century, that made a great
+noise wi' a book of his that explored and explained a' the in-thoughts
+and out-thoughts o' the human mind. His name was Immanuel Kant; and the
+Kantian philosophy is weel kent as something originating wi' him. Weel,
+this Kant ought to hae been a Scotchman; or rather he _was_ a Scotchman;
+but only, owing to some grandfather or great-grandfather having come to
+live in Königsberg, in Prussia, ye'll no' hinder Immanuel frae being
+born there--whilk of coorse was a pity for a' parties except Prussia,
+that gets credit by the circumstance. The father of the philosopher was
+an honest saddler o' the name o' Cant, his ancestor having been ane o'
+the Cants o' Aberdeenshire, and maybe a relation of Andrew Cant, for
+onything I ken. It was the philosopher that changed the C for the K, to
+avoid the foreign look of the word, our letter C not belonging to the
+German alphabet. I'm rale sorry that Kant did not spring up in Scotland,
+where his metaphysical studies wad hae been on friendly grund. But I'm
+quite sure, an' he had visited Scotland and come to Aberdeenshire, he
+wad hae fund a guid number o' his relations, that wad hae been very glad
+to see him, and never thought the less o' him for being merely a
+philosopher.
+
+Weel, we've got down a guid way noo, and the next man I find that ought
+by richts to hae been a Scotchman is that deil's bucky o' a poet, Lord
+Byron. I'm no' saying that Lord Byron was a'thegither a respectable
+character, ye see; but there can be nae manner o' doot that he wrote
+grand poetry, and got a great name by it. Noo, Lord Byron was born in
+London--I'm no' denyin' what Tammy Muir says on that score--but his
+mother was a Scotch leddy, and she and her husband settled in Scotland
+after their marriage, and of coorse their son wad hae been born there in
+due time, had it no' been that the husband's debts obliged them to gang,
+first to France and after that to London, where the leddy cam' to hae
+her down-lying, as has already been said. This, it plainly appears to
+me, was a great injustice to Scotland.
+
+My greatest grudge o' a' is regarding that bright genius for historical
+composition, Thomas Babbington Macaulay, M.P. for Edinburgh. About the
+year 1790, the minister o' the parish o' Cardross in Dumbartonshire, was
+a Mr. M'Aulay, a north-country man, it's said, and a man o' uncommon
+abilities. It was in his parish that that other bright genius, Tobias
+Smollett, was born, and if a' bowls had rowed richt, sae should T. B. M.
+But it was otherwise ordeened. A son o' this minister, having become
+preceptor to a Mr. Barbinton, a young man o' fortune in England, it sae
+cam' aboot that this youth and his preceptor's sister, wha was an
+extrornan' bonny lass, drew up thegither, and were married. That led to
+ane o' the minister's sons going to England--namely, Mr. Zachary, the
+father o' oor member; and thus it was that we were cheated out o' the
+honor o' having T. B. as an out-and-out Scotsman, whilk it's no' natural
+to England to bring forth sic geniuses, weary fa' it, that I should say
+sae. I'm sure I wiss that the bonny lass had been far eneuch, afore she
+brought about this strange cantrip o' fortune, or that she had contented
+hersel' wi' an honest Greenock gentleman that wanted her, and wha, I've
+been tould, de'ed no' aboon three year syne.
+
+Naebody that kens me will ever suppose that I'm vain either aboot mysel'
+or my country. I wot weel, when we consider what frail miserable
+creatures we are, we hae little need for being proud o' onything. Yet,
+somehow, I aye like to hear the name o' puir auld Scotland brought aboon
+board, so that it is na for things even-down disrespectable. Some years
+ago, we used to hear a great deal about a light-headed jillet they ca'
+Lola Montes, that had become quite an important political character at
+the coort o' the king o' Bavaria. Noo, although I believe it's a fact
+that Lola's father was a Scotch officer o' the army, I set nae store by
+her ava--I turn the back o' my hand on a' sic cutties as her. Only, it
+_is_ a fact that she comes o' huz--o' that there can be nae doot, be it
+creditable or no'.
+
+Well, ye see, there's another distinguished leddy o' modern times,
+that's no' to be spoken o' in the same breath wi' that Lady Lighthead.
+This is the new Empress o' France. A fine-looking queen she is, I'm
+tauld. Weel, it's quite positive aboot her that her mother was a
+Kirkpatrick, come of the house o' Closeburn, in the same county that Ben
+Jonson's father cam' frae. The Kirkpatricks have had land in
+Dumfriesshire since the days o' Bruce, whose friend ane o' them was, at
+the time when he killed Red Cummin; but Closeburn has long passed away
+frae them, and now belangs to Mr. Baird, the great iron master o' the
+west o' Scotland. Howsomever, the folks thereaboots hae a queer story
+aboot a servant-lass that was in the house in the days o' the empress'
+great-grandfather like. She married a man o' the name o' Paterson and
+gaed to America, and her son came to be a great merchant, and his
+daughter became Prince Jerome Bonaparte's wife; and sae it happens that
+a lady come frae the parlor o' Closeburn sits on the throne o' France,
+while a prince come frae the kitchen o' the same place is its heir
+presumptive! I'm no' sure that the hale o' this story is quite the
+thing; but I tell it as it was tauld to me.
+
+I'm no' ane that tak's up my head muckle wi' public singers, playgoers,
+composers o' music, and folk o' that kind; but yet we a' ken that some
+o' them atteen to a great deal o' distinction, and are muckle ta'en out
+by the nobility and gentry. Weel, I'm tauld (for I ken naething about
+him mysel') that there was ane Donizetti, a great composer o' operas,
+no' very lang syne. Now, Donizetti, as we've been tauld i' _the public
+papers_, was the son o' a Scotchman. His father was a Highlandman,
+called Donald Izett, wha left his native Perthshire as a soldier--maist
+likely the Duke o' Atholl pressed him into the service as ane o' his
+volunteers--and Donald having quitted the army somewhere abroad, set up
+in business wi' Don Izett over his door, whilk the senseless folk
+thereabouts soon transformed into Donizetti, and thus it came about that
+his son, wha turned out a braw musician, bore this name frae first to
+last, and dootless left it to his posterity. I ken weel that Izett is a
+Perthshire name, and there was ane o' the clan some years sin' in
+business in the North Brig o' Edinburgh, and a rale guid honest man he
+was, I can tell ye, and a very sensible man, too. Ye'll see his
+head-stane ony day i' the Grayfriars. And this is guid evidence to me
+that Donizetti was, properly speaking, a Scotchman. It's a sair pity for
+himsel' that he wasna born, as he should hae been, on the braes o'
+Atholl, for then he wad nae doot hae learned the richt music, that is
+played there sae finely on the fiddle--namely, reels and strath-speys;
+and I dinna ken but, wi' proper instruction, he might hae rivalled Neil
+Gow himsel'.
+
+Ye've a' heard o' Jenny Lind, the Swedish nightingale, as the fulishly
+ca' her, as if there ever were ony nightingales in Sweden. She's a vera
+fine creature, this Jenny Lind, no greedy o' siller, as sae mony are,
+but aye willing to exerceese her gift for the guid o' the sick and the
+puir. She's, in fack, just sick a young woman as we micht expeck
+Scotland to produce, if it ever produced public singers. Weel, Jenny,
+I'm tauld, is another of the great band o' distinguished persons that
+ought to hae been born in Scotland, for it's said her greatgrandfather
+(I'm no' preceese as to the generation) was a Scotchman that gaed lang
+syne to spouse his fortune abroad, and chanced to settle in Sweden,
+where he had sons and daughters born to him. There's a gey wheen Linds
+about Mid-Calder, honest farmer-folk, to this day; sae I'm thinkin'
+there's no' muckle room for doot as to the fack.
+
+Noo, having shewn sic a lang list o' mischances as to the nativity o'
+Scotch folk o' eminence, I think ye'll alloo that we puir bodies in the
+north hae some occasion for complaint. As we are a' in Providence's
+hand, we canna, of coorse, prevent some o' our best countrymen frae
+coming into the world in wrang places--sic as Sir Isaac Newton in
+Lincolnshire, whilk I think an uncommon pity; but what's to hinder sic
+persons frae being reputed and held as Scotchmen notwithstanding? I'm
+sure I ken o' nae objection, except it may be that our friends i' the
+south, feeling what a sma' proportion o' Great Britons are Englishmen,
+may entertain some jealousy on the subjeck. If that be the case, the
+sooner that the Association for Redress o' Scottish Grievances takes up
+the question the better. [21]
+
+
+=A Leader's Description of His Followers=
+
+Old John Cameron was leader of a small quadrille band in Edinburgh, the
+performances of which were certainly not the very finest.
+
+Being disappointed on one occasion of an engagement at a particular
+ball, he described his more fortunate but equally able brethren in the
+following terms: "There's a Geordie Menstrie, he plays rough, like a man
+sharpening knives wi' yellow sand. Then there's Jamie Corri, his
+playin's like the chappin' o' mince-collops--sic short bows he tak's.
+And then there's Donald Munro, his bass is like wind i' the lum, or a
+toom cart gaun down Blackfriars' Wynd!"
+
+
+=It Takes Two To Fight=
+
+A physician at Queensferry was once threatened with a challenge. His
+method of receiving it was at once cool and incontrovertible.
+
+"Ye may challenge me if ye like," said he; "but whether or no, there'll
+be nae fecht, _unless I gang out_."
+
+
+="What's the Lawin', Lass?"=
+
+The following dialogue occurred in a little country inn, not so long ago
+as the internal evidence might lead one to suppose. The interlocutors
+are an English tourist and a smart young woman, who acted as waitress,
+chambermaid, boots, and everybody else, being the man and the maid of
+the inn at the same time:
+
+_Tourist_: Come here, if you please.
+
+_Jenny_: I was just coming ben to you, sir.
+
+_Tourist_: Well, now, mistress.
+
+_Jenny_: I'm no' the mistress; I'm only the lass, an' I'm no' married.
+
+_Tourist_: Very well, then, miss.
+
+_Jenny_: I'm no' a miss; I'm only a man's dochter.
+
+_Tourist_: A man's daughter?
+
+_Jenny_: Hoot, ay, sir; didna ye see a farm as ye came up yestreen, just
+three parks aff?
+
+_Tourist_: It is very possible; I do not remember.
+
+_Jenny_: Weel, onyway, it's my faither's.
+
+_Tourist_: Indeed!
+
+_Jenny_: Ay, it's a fact.
+
+_Tourist_: Well, that fact being settled, let us proceed to business.
+Will you let me see your bill?
+
+_Jenny_: Our Bill. Ou, ay, Wully we ca' him, but I ken wha you
+mean--he's no in e'en now.
+
+_Tourist_: Wully! what I want is my account--a paper stating what I have
+had, and how much I have to pay.
+
+_Jenny_: Did ony woman ever hear the like o' that--ye mean the lawin',
+man! But we keep nae accounts here; na, na, we hae ower muckle to dae.
+
+_Tourist_: And how do you know what to charge?
+
+_Jenny_: On, we just put the things down on the sclate, and tell the
+customers the tottle by word o' mouth.
+
+_Tourist_: Just so. Well, will you give me the lawin', as I am going?
+
+_Jenny_: Oh, sir, ye're jokin' noo! It's you maun gie me the lawin'--the
+lawin's the siller.
+
+_Tourist_: Oh, indeed, I beg your pardon; how much is it?
+
+_Jenny_: That's just what I was coming ben to tell you, sir. If ye had
+ask'd me first, or waited till I tell't ye, I wadna hae keepit ye a
+minute. We're no blate at askin' the lawin', although some folk are
+unco' slow at payin' o't. It's just four-and-six.
+
+_Tourist_: That is very moderate; there is five shillings.
+
+_Jenny_: Thank you, sir; I hope we hae a sixpence in the house, for I
+wadna' like to gie bawbees to a gentleman.
+
+_Tourist_: No, no; the sixpence is for yourself.
+
+_Jenny_: Oh, sir, it's ower muckle.
+
+_Tourist_: What, do you object to take it?
+
+_Jenny_: Na, na, sir; I wouldna' put that affront upon ye. But I'll gie
+ye a bit o' advice for't. When ye're gaun awa' frae an inn in a hurry,
+dinna be fashin' yersel' wi' mistresses, and misses, and bills; but just
+say, "What's the lawin', lass?"
+
+
+=Meanness versus Crustiness=
+
+A rather mean and parsimonious old lady called one day upon David
+Dreghorn, a well-known Glasgow fishmonger, saying, "Weel, Maister
+Dreghorn, how are ye selling your half salmon the noo?"
+
+David being in a rather cross humor, replied, "When we catch ony half
+salmon, mem, we'll let ye ken!"
+
+
+=Speeding the Parting Guest=
+
+It is related of a noble Scottish lady of the olden time, who lived in a
+remote part of the Highlands, and was noted for her profuse liberality,
+that she was some times overburdened with habitual "sorners." When any
+one of them outstayed his welcome, she would take occasion to say to him
+at the morning meal, with an arch look at the rest of the company, "Mak'
+a guid breakfast, Mr. ----, while ye're about it; ye dinna ken whaur
+ye'll get your dinner." The hint was usually taken, and the "sorner"
+departed.
+
+
+="Things Which Accompany Salvation"=
+
+"What d'ye think o' this great revival that's gaun on the noo, Jamie?"
+asked a grocer of a brother tradesman.
+
+"Weel," answered Jamie, "I canna say muckle about it, but I ken this--I
+hae gotten in a gude wheen bawbees that I had given up lang syne as bad
+debts."
+
+
+=Lights and Livers=
+
+Lord Cockburn, when at the bar, was pleading in a steamboat collision
+case. The case turned on the fact of one of the steamers carrying no
+lights, which was the cause of the accident. Cockburn insisting on this,
+wound up his eloquent argument with this remark: "In fact, gentlemen,
+had there been more _lights_, there would have been more _livers_."
+
+
+=Both Short=
+
+"Ye're unco' short the day, Saunders, surely," said an undersized
+student to a Glasgow bookseller, one morning, when the latter was in an
+irritable mood.
+
+"Od, man," was the retort, "ye may haud your tongue; ye're no' sae lang
+yersel'."
+
+
+=His Own, With "Interest"=
+
+"Coming from h--l, Lauchlan?" quoth a shepherd, proceeding on Sacrament
+Sunday to the Free Church, and meeting a friend coming from the Church
+of the Establishment.
+
+"Better nor going to it, Rory," retorted Lauchlan, as he passed on.
+
+
+="The Spigot's Oot"=
+
+Lord Airlie remarked to one of his tenants that it was a very wet
+season.
+
+"Indeed, my lord," replied the man, "I think the spigot's oot
+a'thegither."
+
+
+=Looking After Himself=
+
+A canny man, who had accepted the office of elder because some wag had
+made him believe that the remuneration was a sixpence each Sunday and a
+boll of meal on New Year's Day, officially carried round the ladle each
+Sunday after service. When the year expired he claimed the meal, but was
+told that he had been hoaxed.
+
+"It may be sae wi' the meal," he replied, coolly, "but I took care o'
+the saxpence mysel'."
+
+
+=An Epitaph to Order=
+
+The Rev. Dr. M'Culloch, minister of Bothwell at the end of last century,
+was a man of sterling independence and great self-decision. To a
+friend--Rev. Mr. Brisbane--he one day said, "You must write my epitaph
+if you survive me."
+
+"I will do that," said Mr. Brisbane; "and you shall have it at once,
+doctor."
+
+Next morning he received the following:
+
+ "Here lies, interred beneath this sod,
+ That sycophantish man of God,
+ Who taught an easy way to heaven,
+ Which to the rich was always given;
+ If he get in, he'll look and stare
+ To find some out that he put there."
+
+
+=A Variety Entertainment=
+
+There used to be a waggish ostler at one of the chief inns at Hertford,
+who delighted to make merry at the expense of any guests who gave
+themselves airs. The manner of the ostler was extremely deferential, and
+only those who knew him well were aware of the humor which almost always
+lurked beneath his civil replies to the questions put to him. One day a
+commercial traveler, a complete prig, who wanted to play the fine
+gentleman, entered the inn, and having despatched his dinner, rang the
+bell of the commercial room for "boots," who presently made his
+appearance, when the following colloquy took place:
+
+_Commercial_: "Dull town, this. Any amusements, Boots?"
+
+_Boots_: "Yes, sir, please, sir; Musical Conversazione over the way at
+the Shire Hall, sir. Half-a-crown admission, sir. Very nice, sir."
+
+_Commercial_: "Ah, nice music, I dare say; I don't care for such things.
+Is there nothing else, Boots?"
+
+_Boots_: "Yes, sir, please, sir; Popular Entertainment at Corn Exchange,
+admission one penny; gentlemen pay sixpence to front seats, sir, if they
+please, sir."
+
+_Commercial_: "Intensely vulgar! Are there no other amusements in this
+confoundedly dull town?"
+
+_Boots_: "Yes, sir, please sir; railway station at each end of the
+town--walk down and see the trains come in."
+
+
+=A Descriptive Hymn=
+
+A minister in Orkney having been asked by the Rev. Mr. Spark, minister
+of St. Magnus, to conduct service in his church, and also to baptize his
+infant daughter, gave out for singing, before the baptismal service, a
+portion of the fifth paraphrase, beginning:
+
+ "As _sparks_ in quick succession rise."
+
+As Mr. Spark's help-mate was a fruitful vine, and presented him with a
+pledge of her affection every year, the titter among the congregation
+was unmistakable and irresistible.
+
+
+=A Vigorous Translation=
+
+"What is the meaning of _ex nihilo nihil fit_?" asked a Highlander of a
+village schoolmaster.
+
+"Weel, Donald," answered the dominie, "I dinna mind the literal
+translation; but it just means that ye canna tak' the breeks aff a
+Highland-man."
+
+
+="Before the Provost!"=
+
+The magistrates of the Scottish burghs, though respectable men, are
+generally not the wealthiest in their respective communities. And it
+sometimes happens, in the case of very poor and remote burghs, that
+persons of a very inferior station alone can be induced to accept the
+uneasy dignity of the municipal chair.
+
+An amusing story is told regarding the town of L----, in B----shire,
+which is generally considered as a peculiarly miserable specimen of
+these privileged townships. An English gentleman approaching L---- one
+day in a gig, his horse started at a heap of dry wood and decayed
+branches of trees, which a very poor-looking old man was accumulating
+upon the road, apparently with the intention of conveying them to town
+for sale as firewood. The stranger immediately cried to the old man,
+desiring him in no very civil terms, to clear the road that his horse
+might pass. The old man, offended at the disrespectful language of the
+complainant, took no notice of him, but continued to hew away at the
+trees.
+
+"You old dog," the gentleman then exclaimed, "I'll have you brought
+before the provost, and put into prison for your disregard of the laws
+of the road."
+
+"Gang to the de'il, man, wi' your provost!" the woodcutter
+contemptuously replied; "I'm provost mysel'."
+
+
+=Denominational Graves=
+
+For a short time after the disruption, an unkindly feeling existed
+between the ministers of the Established Church and their protesting
+brethren. Several "free" parishioners of Blackford, Perthshire, waited
+on Mr. Clark, the established minister, and requested that they might
+have the services of a non-Erastian sexton.
+
+"Will you allow us, sir," said one of the deputation, "to dig our own
+graves?"
+
+"Certainly, gentlemen," said Mr. Clark, "you are most welcome; and the
+sooner the better!"
+
+
+=Escaping Punishment=
+
+An active-looking boy, aged about twelve years, was brought up before
+Provost Baker, at the Rutherglen Burgh Court, charged with breaking into
+gardens and stealing fruit therefrom. The charge having been
+substantiated, the magistrate, addressing the juvenile offender, said in
+his gravest manner: "If you had a garden, and pilfering boys were to
+break into and steal your property, in what way would you like to have
+them punished?"
+
+"Aweel, sir," replied the prisoner, "I think I would let them awa' for
+first time."
+
+It is needless to add that the worthy provost was mollified, and that
+the little fellow was dismissed with an admonition.
+
+
+=Passing Remarks=
+
+"There she goes," sneered an Englishman, as a Highlander marched past in
+his tartans at a fair.
+
+"There she lies," retorted Duncan, as he knocked the scorner down at a
+blow.
+
+
+=Scottish Vision and Cockney Chaff=
+
+Two sharp youths from London, while enjoying themselves among the
+heather in Argylshire, met with a decent-looking shepherd upon the top
+of a hill. They accosted him by remarking: "You have a fine view here,
+friend; you will be able to see a great way."
+
+"Ou, ay, ou, ay, a ferry great way."
+
+"Ah! you will see America from here?"
+
+"Farther than that," said Donald.
+
+"Ah! how's that?"
+
+"Ou, juist wait till the mists gang awa', an' you'll see the mune!"
+
+
+="The," and "The Other"=
+
+When the chief of the Scottish clan, Macnab, emigrated to Canada with a
+hundred clansmen, he, on arriving at Toronto, called on his namesake,
+the late Sir Allen, and left his card as "_The_ Macnab." Sir Allen
+returned his visit, leaving as his card, "The _other_ Macnab."
+
+
+="Old Clo'"=
+
+Christopher North had a great hatred of the "old clo'" men who infest
+the streets. Coming from his class one day, a shabby Irishman asked him
+in the usual confidential manner, "Any old clo', sir?"
+
+"No;" replied the professor, imitating the whisper; "no, my dear
+fellow,--have you?"
+
+
+=Church Popularity=
+
+"How is it, John," said a minister to his man, "that you never go a
+message for me anywhere in the parish but you contrive to take too much
+spirits? People don't offer _me_ spirits when I'm making visits in the
+parish."
+
+"Weel, sir," said John, "I canna precisely explain it, unless on the
+supposition that I'm a wee bit mair popular wi' some o' the folks maybe
+than you are."
+
+
+=Wersh Parritch and Wersh Kisses=
+
+Kirsty and Jenny, two country lassies, were supping their "parritch"
+from the same bicker in the harvest-field one morning.
+
+"Hech," said Kirsty to her neighbor, "Jenny, but thae's awfu' wersh
+parritch!"
+
+"'Deed are they," said Jenny, "they are that. D'ye ken what they put me
+in mind o'? Just o' a kiss frae a body that ye dinna like."
+
+
+=A Stranger in the Court of Session=
+
+The "Daft Highland Laird," a noted character in Edinburgh at the latter
+end of last century, one day accosted the Hon. Henry Erskine, as he was
+entering the Parliament House. Erskine inquired of the "laird" how he
+did.
+
+"Oh, very well!" answered the laird; "but I'll tell ye what, Harry, tak'
+in _Justice_ wi' ye," pointing to one of the statues over the old porch
+of the House; "for she has stood lang i' the outside, and it would be a
+treat to see her inside, like other strangers!"
+
+
+=Wit and Humor Under Difficulties=
+
+Sandy Gordon, the town-crier of Maybole, was a character in his way. At
+one period of his life he had been an auctioneer and appraiser, although
+his "louring drouth" interfered sadly with the business, but neither
+poverty nor misfortune could blunt Sandy's relish for a joke. One day,
+going down the street he encountered his son riding on an ass.
+
+"Weel, Jock," quoth he, "you're a riding on your brither."
+
+"Ay, father," rejoined the son, "I didna ken this was ane o' yours tae."
+
+At a neighboring village he had one day sold his shoes to slake his
+thirst. After the transaction he was discovered seated on the roadside,
+gazing on his bare feet, and soliloquizing in this strain--"Step forrit,
+barefit Gordon, if it's no' _on_ you, it's _in_ you."
+
+He was once taking a walk into the country, when he met Sir David Hunter
+Blair.
+
+"Where are you for to-day, Gordon?" asked the baronet.
+
+"Sir David," rejoined the crier, with some dignity, "if I was to ask
+that of you, you would say I was ill-bred."
+
+He had the misfortune once to break his leg in a drunken brawl, and a
+hastily constructed litter was improvised to carry him home. Still his
+characteristic humor did not leave him. "Canny boys," he would cry to
+those carrying him, "keep the funeral step; tak' care o' my pipe; let
+oor Jock tae the head, he's the chief mourner."
+
+
+=An Affectionate Aunt=
+
+A plain-spoken old Scottish lady, Mrs. Wanchope, of Nibbey, being very
+ill, sent for Aunt Soph and said to her: "Soph, I believe I am dying;
+will you be always kind to my children when I am gone?"
+
+"Na, na; tak' yer spoilt deevils wi' ye," was the reply, "for I'll hae
+naething ado wi' them!"
+
+
+=A Discerning Fool=
+
+"Jock, how auld will ye be?" said a sage wife to daft Jock Amos one day,
+when talking of their ages.
+
+"O, I dinna ken," said Jock; "it would tak' a wiser head than mine to
+tell you that."
+
+"It's an unco' queer thing you dinna ken hoo auld you are," returned the
+woman.
+
+"I ken weel eneuch how auld I _am_," answered Jock; "but I dinna ken how
+auld _I'll be_." [24]
+
+
+=A Law of Nature=
+
+Principal Hill once encountered a fierce onslaught from the Rev. James
+Burn in the General Assembly. When Mr. Burn had concluded his attack,
+the professor rose, and said with a smile: "Moderator, we all know that
+it is most natural that _Burns_ should _run down Hills_."
+
+The laugh was effectually raised against his opponent, whose arguments
+and assertions he then proceeded to demolish at his leisure.
+
+
+=Ingenious Remedy for Ignorance=
+
+When a former Prince of Wales was married, a Highland minister at
+Greenock was praying for the happiness and welfare of the royal couple.
+He was somewhat embarrassed as to how he should join the two names, but
+at length he got over it thus:
+
+"Lord bless _her_ royal highness the Prince of Wales, and _his_ royal
+highness the _she_ prince!"
+
+
+=Highland "Warldliness"=
+
+At a breakfast there was abundance of Highland cheer, towering dishes of
+scones, oatcakes, an enormous cheese, fish eggs and a monstrous
+grey-beard of whiskey ready, if required; fumes of tobacco were floating
+in the air, and the whole seemed an embodiment of the Highlander's
+grace, "Oh, gie us rivers of whiskey, chau'ders o' snuff, and tons o'
+tobacco, pread an' a cheese as pig as the great hill of Ben Nevis, and
+may our childer's childer be lords and lairds to the latest
+sheneration." On repeating this grace to an old hillsman of eighty,
+leaning on his stick, he thoughtfully answered: "Weel, it's a goot
+grace--a very goot grace--but it's a warldly thing!"
+
+
+=A Paradox=
+
+On Henry Erskine being told that Knox, who had long derived his
+livelihood by keeping the door of the Parliament House, had been killed
+by a shot from a small cannon on the king's birthday, he observed that
+"it was remarkable that a man should live by the civil and die by the
+can(_n_)on law."
+
+
+=A Sensible Lass=
+
+A Scottish gentleman, while walking in a meadow with some ladies, had
+the impudence to snatch a kiss from one, unperceived by the rest. She
+said indignantly, "Sir, I am not accustomed to such freedom."
+
+"It will be the greater rarity, then, madam."
+
+She flew from him, and ran towards her mother, who, alarmed at her
+seeming terror, inquired what was the cause.
+
+"She has taken fright at a rash buss," said the gentleman.
+
+"O, ye idiot," said the mother, "go back this instant."
+
+She returned, smiling, and said, "Do't again, it's no' forbidden."
+
+
+=A Sad Loss=
+
+An old lady was telling her grandchildren about some trouble in
+Scotland, in the course of which the chief of her clan was beheaded.
+
+"It was nae great thing of a head, bairns, to be sure," said the good
+lady, "but it was a sad loss to him."
+
+
+=Catechising=
+
+The minister called in upon the gudewife at Corset Hill one night, for
+the purpose of catechising her.
+
+"What is the Lord's Supper, Peggy?" he inquired.
+
+"'Deed, sir," said the hostel wife, more intent on matters temporal than
+on things spiritual, "there's nae lords come this way; but I'se tell ye
+what a cadger's supper is--it's just a groat; and what they leave at
+night they tak' awa' wi' them in their pouch in the morning."
+
+
+=Lord Cockburn Confounded=
+
+One day Lord Cockburn went into the Second Division of the Court of
+Session, but came out again very hurriedly, meeting Lord Jeffrey at the
+door.
+
+"Do you see any paleness about my face, Jeffrey?" asked Cockburn.
+
+"No," replied Jeffrey; "I hope you're well enough."
+
+"I don't know," said the other; "but I have just heard Bolus (Lord
+Justice-Clerk Boyle) say: 'I _for one_ am of opinion that this case is
+founded on the fundamental basis of a quadrilateral contract, the four
+sides of which are agglutinated by adhesion!'"
+
+"I think, Cockburn," said Jeffrey "that you had better go home."
+
+
+="No Compliments"=
+
+An aged divine had occasionally to avail himself of the assistance of
+probationers. One day, a young man, very vain of his accomplishments as
+a preacher, officiated, and, on descending from the pulpit, was met by
+the old gentleman with extended hands. Expecting high praise, he said,
+"No compliments, I pray."
+
+"Na, na, na, my young friend," said the minister, "nowadays I'm glad o'
+onybody!"
+
+
+=A Sensible Servant=
+
+A very old domestic servant of the familiar Scottish character common
+long ago, having offended his master extremely, was commanded to leave
+his service instantly.
+
+"In troth, and that will I not," answered the domestic; "if your honor
+disna ken when ye hae a gude servant, I ken when I hae a gude master,
+and go away I will not."
+
+On another occasion of the same nature the master said, "John, you and I
+shall never sleep under the same roof again", to which John replied,
+with much _naivete_, "Where the deil can your honor be ganging?"
+
+
+=A Lesson in Manners=
+
+William Martin was at one time a book auctioneer in Edinburgh. He was no
+great scholar, and occasionally made some humorous blunders during the
+exercise of his vocation. One night he made a clumsy attempt to unravel
+the title of a French book. A young dandy, wishing to have the laugh at
+Martin's expense, asked him to read the title again, as he did not quite
+understand him.
+
+"Oh!" said Martin, "it's something about manners, and that's what
+neither you nor me has ower muckle o'."
+
+
+=A Magnanimous Cobbler=
+
+At a certain country election of a member of Parliament in the
+Highlands, the popular candidate waited on a shoemaker to solicit his
+vote.
+
+"Get out of my house, sir," said the shoemaker; and the gentleman was
+forced to retire accordingly. The cobbler, however, followed him and
+called him back, saying, "You turned me off from your estate, sir, and I
+was determined to turn you out of my house; but for all that, I'll give
+you my vote."
+
+
+=How Greyhounds are Produced=
+
+At a certain mansion, notorious for its scanty fare, a gentleman was
+inquiring of the gardener about a dog which he had given to the laird
+some time before. The gardener showed him a lank greyhound, on which the
+gentleman said: "No, no; the dog I gave your master was a mastiff, not a
+greyhound"; to which the gardener quietly answered:
+
+"Indeed, sir, ony dog would soon be turned into a greyhound if it
+stoppit lang here."
+
+
+=Vanity Scathingly Reproved=
+
+Burns was dining with Maxwell of Terraughty, when one of the guests
+chose to talk of the dukes and earls with whom he had drank or dined,
+till the host and others got tired of him. Burns, however, silenced him
+with an epigram:
+
+ "What of earls, with whom you have supped?
+ And of dukes, that you dined with yestreen?
+ Lord! a louse, sir, is still but a louse,
+ Though it crawls on the curls of a queen."
+
+
+=Gratifying Industry!=
+
+In Galloway large craigs are met with having ancient writing on them.
+One on the farm of Knockleby has, cut deep on the upper side:
+
+ "Lift me up and I'll tell you more."
+
+A number of people gathered to this craig, and succeeded in lifting it
+up, in hopes of being well repaid; but, instead of finding any gold,
+they found written on it:
+
+ "Lay me down as I was before."
+
+
+=The Force of Habit=
+
+Some years ago a Scotch gentleman, who went to London for the first
+time, took the uppermost story of a lodging-house, and was very much
+surprised to get what he thought the genteelest place of the whole at
+the lowest price. His friends who came to see him, in vain acquainted
+him with the mistake he had been guilty of.
+
+"He ken't very weel," he said, "what gentility was; and after having
+lived all his life in a sixth story, he had not come to London to live
+upon the ground."
+
+
+=Significant Advice=
+
+A church in the north country which required a pastor had a beadle who
+took an active interest in all the proceedings taken to fill up the
+vacancy.
+
+One of the candidates, after the afternoon service was over, put off his
+cloak in the vestry and slipped into the church, in which our worthy was
+just putting things to rights.
+
+"I was just taking a look at the church," said the minister.
+
+"Ay, tak' a guid look at it," said the beadle, "for it's no' likely
+ye'll ever see't again."
+
+
+=A "Wigging"=
+
+The Rev. Dr. Macleod (father of the late Dr. Norman Macleod) was
+proceeding to open a new place of worship.
+
+As he passed slowly and gravely through the crowd gathered about the
+doors, an elderly man, with the peculiar kind of a wig known in that
+district--bright, smooth and of a reddish brown--accosted him:
+
+"Doctor, if you please, I wish to speak to you."
+
+"Well, Duncan," said the venerable doctor, "can ye not wait till after
+worship?"
+
+"No, doctor; I must speak to you now, for it is a matter upon my
+conscience."
+
+"Oh, since it is a matter of conscience, tell me what it is; but be
+brief, Duncan, for time presses."
+
+"The matter is this, doctor. Ye see the clock yonder on the face of the
+new church? Well, there is no clock really there--nothing but the face
+of the clock. There is no truth in it, but only once in the twelve
+hours. Now it is, in my mind, very wrong, and quite against my
+conscience, that there should be a lie on the face of the house of the
+Lord."
+
+"Duncan, I will consider the point. I am glad to see you looking so
+well. You are not young now; I remember you for many years; and what a
+fine head of hair you have still!"
+
+"Eh, doctor, you are joking now; it is long since I have had my hair."
+
+"Oh, Duncan, Duncan, are you going into the house of the Lord with a lie
+upon your head?"
+
+This settled the question, and the doctor heard no more of the lie on
+the face of the clock.
+
+
+=A Poacher's Prayer=
+
+Jamie Hamilton, a noted poacher at Crawfordjohn, was once asked by a
+woman to pray for a poor old woman who was lying at the point of death.
+
+"I canna pray," said he.
+
+"But ye maun do't, Jamie," said the woman.
+
+"Weel, if I maun do't, I maun do't, but I haena muckle to say," said
+Jamie.
+
+Being placed beside the dying woman, the poacher, with thoughts more
+intent upon hares than prayers, said "O Lord, thou kens best Thyself how
+the case stands between Thee and auld Eppie: but sin' ye hae baith the
+haft and the blade in your ain hand, just guide the gully as best suits
+Thy ain glory and her guid. Amen!"
+
+Could a bishop have said more in as few words?
+
+
+=Broader than He was Long=
+
+Mr. Dale, whose portrait figures in _Kay_, was very short in stature,
+and also very stout.
+
+Having mentioned to a friend one day that "he had slipped on the ice,
+and fallen all his length"--
+
+"Be thankful, sir," was the consolatory and apt reply, "that it was not
+all your breadth!"
+
+
+="Prayer, with Thanksgiving"=
+
+On one occasion, a clergyman eminent for his piety and simplicity of
+heart, but also noted for his great eccentricity of character, surprised
+his hearers by introducing the following passage into one of his
+prayers: "Oh Lord! we desire to offer our grateful thanks unto Thee for
+the seasonable relief which Thou has sent to the poor of this place,
+from thine inexhaustible storehouse in the great deep, and which every
+day we hear called upon our streets, 'Fine fresh herrings, sax a penny!
+sax a penny!'"
+
+
+=An Extra Shilling to Avoid a Calamity=
+
+A farmer having buried his wife, waited upon the grave-digger who had
+performed the necessary duties, to pay him fees. Being of a niggardly
+disposition, he endeavored to get the knight of the spade to abate his
+charges.
+
+The patience of the latter becoming exhausted, he grasped his shovel
+impulsively, and, with an angry look, exclaimed: "Doon wi' another
+shillin', or--up she comes!" The threat had the desired effect.
+
+
+=Putting off a Duel and Avoiding a Quarrel=
+
+At a convivial meeting of the Golfing Society at Bruntsfield Links,
+Edinburgh, on one occasion, a Mr. Megget took offence at something which
+Mr. Braidwood, father of the lamented superintendent of the London Fire
+Brigade, had said. Being highly incensed, he desired the latter to
+follow him to the Links, and he "would do for him."
+
+Without at all disturbing himself, Mr. Braidwood pleasantly replied:
+"Mr. Megget, if you will be so good as to go out to the Links, and _wait
+till I come_, I will be very much obliged to you."
+
+This produced a general burst of laughter, in which his antagonist could
+not refrain from joining; and it had the effect of restoring him to good
+humor for the remainder of the evening.
+
+
+=A Test of Literary Appreciation=
+
+Dr. Ranken, of Glasgow, wrote a very ponderous _History of France_.
+Wishing to learn how it was appreciated by the public, he went to
+Stirling's Library _incognito_, and inquired "if Dr. Ranken's _History
+of France_ was in?"
+
+Mr. Peat, the caustic librarian, curtly replied: "In! it never was out!"
+
+
+=Ornithology=
+
+"Pray, Lord Robertson," said a lady to that eminent lawyer at a party,
+"can you tell me what sort of a bird the bul-bul is?"
+
+"I suppose, ma'am," replied the humorous judge, "it is the male of the
+coo-coo."
+
+
+=A Practical View of Matrimony=
+
+"Fat's this I hear ye're gaun to dee, Jeannie," said an Aberdeen lass to
+another young woman.
+
+"Weel, Maggie, lass, I'm just gaun to marry that farm ower by there, and
+live wi' the bit mannie on't."
+
+
+=Winning the Race Instead of the Battle=
+
+When Sir John Copse fled from Dunbar, the fleetness of his horse carried
+him foremost, upon which a sarcastic Scotsman complimented him by
+saying, "Deed, sir, but ye hae won the race: win the battle wha like!"
+
+
+="After You, Leddies"=
+
+Will Hamilton, the "daft man o' Ayr," was once hanging about the
+vicinity of a loch, which was partially frozen. Three young ladies were
+deliberating as to whether they should venture upon the ice, when one of
+them suggested that Will should be asked to walk on first. The proposal
+was made to him.
+
+"Though I'm daft, I'm no' ill-bred," quickly responded Will; "after you,
+leddies!"
+
+
+="Ursa Major"=
+
+Boswell expatiating to his father, Lord Auchinleck, on the learning and
+other qualities of Dr. Johnson, concluded by saying, "He is the grand
+luminary of our hemisphere--quite a constellation, sir."
+
+"Ursa Major, I suppose," dryly responded the judge.
+
+
+=Sheridan's Pauses=
+
+A Scottish minister had visited London in the early part of the present
+century, and seen, among other tricks of pulpit oratory, "Sheridan's
+Pauses" exhibited. During his first sermon, after his return home, he
+took occasion at the termination of a very impassioned and highly
+wrought sentence or paragraph, to stop suddenly, and pause in "mute
+unbreathing silence."
+
+The precentor, who had taken advantage of his immemorial privilege to
+sleep out the sermon, imagining, from the cessation of sound, that the
+discourse was actually brought to a close, started up, with some degree
+of agitation, and in an audible, though somewhat tremulous voice read
+out his usual, "Remember in prayer----"
+
+"Hoot man!" exclaimed the good-natured orator over his head, placing at
+the same time his hand upon his shoulder: "hout, Jamie, man, what's the
+matter wi' ye the day; d'ye no ken I hae nae done yet?-- That's only ane
+o' Sheridan's pauses, man!"
+
+
+=Absent in Mind, and Body, Too=
+
+The Rev. John Duncan, the Hebrew scholar, was very absent-minded, and
+many curious stories are told of this awkward failing.
+
+On one occasion he had arranged to preach in a certain church a few
+miles from Aberdeen.
+
+He set out on a pony in good time, but when near the end of his journey
+he felt a desire to take a pinch of snuff. The wind, however, blowing in
+his face, he turned the head of the pony round, the better to enjoy the
+luxury. Pocketing his snuff-box, he started the pony without again
+turning it in the proper direction, and did not discover his error until
+he found himself in Union Street, Aberdeen, at the very time he ought to
+have entered the pulpit seven miles off.
+
+On another occasion he was invited to dinner at the house of a friend,
+and was shown into a bedroom to wash his hands.
+
+After a long delay, as he did not appear, his friend went to the room,
+and, behold! there lay the professor snugly in bed, and fast asleep!
+
+
+=Prof. Aytoun's Courtship=
+
+After Prof. Aytoun had made proposals of marriage to Miss Emily Jane
+Wilson, daughter of "Christopher North," he was, as a matter of course,
+referred to her father. As Aytoun was uncommonly diffident, he said to
+her, "Emily, my dear, you must speak to him for me. I could not summon
+courage to speak to the professor on this subject."
+
+"Papa is in the library," said the lady.
+
+"Then you had better go to him," said the suitor, "and I'll wait here
+for you."
+
+There being apparently no help for it, the lady proceeded to the
+library, and taking her father affectionately by the hand, mentioned
+that Aytoun had asked her in marriage. She added, "Shall I accept this
+offer, papa; he is so shy and diffident, that he cannot speak to you
+himself."
+
+"Then we must deal tenderly with him," said the hearty old man. "I'll
+write my reply on a slip of paper, and pin it on your back."
+
+"Papa's answer is on the back of my dress," said Miss Wilson, as she
+re-entered the drawing-room.
+
+Turning round, the delighted swain read these words: "With the author's
+compliments."
+
+
+=A Sad Drinking Bout=
+
+The following story of an occurrence at one of the drinking bouts in
+Scotland, at which the Laird of Garscadden took his last draught, has
+often been told, but it will bear repetition. The scene occurred in the
+wee clachan of Law, where a considerable number of Kilpatrick lairds had
+congregated for the ostensible purpose of talking over some parish
+business. And well they talked and better drank, when one of them, about
+the dawn of the morning, fixing his eye on Garscadden, remarked that he
+was "looking unco' gash."
+
+Upon which the Laird of Kilmardinny coolly replied, "Deil mean him,
+since he has been wi' his Maker these twa hours! I saw him step awa',
+but I dinna like to disturb guid company!"
+
+The following epitaph on this celebrated Bacchanalian plainly indicates
+that he was held in no great estimation among his neighbors:
+
+ "Beneath this stane lies auld Garscad,
+ Wha lived a neighbor very bad;
+ Now, how he finds and how he fares,
+ The deil ane kens, and deil ane cares."
+
+
+=Not Surprised=
+
+Benjamin Greig, one of the last specimens of tie-wig and powder gentry,
+and a rich old curmudgeon to boot, one day entered the shop of Mr.
+Walker--better known, however, by the nickname of "Sugar Jock"--and
+accosting him, said, "Are you no' muckle astonished to hear that Mr.
+L---- has left £20,000?"
+
+"Weel, Mr. Greig," replied "Sugar," "I wad hae been mair astonished to
+hear that he had ta'en it wi' him."
+
+Greig gave a grunt and left the shop.
+
+
+=The Best Crap=
+
+A baby was out with its nurse, who walked it up and down a garden.
+
+"Is't a laddie or a lassie, Jess?" asked the gardener.
+
+"A laddie," said the maid.
+
+"Weel," said he, "I'm glad o' that; there's ower mony lasses in the
+world already."
+
+"Hech, man," said Jess, "div ye no ken there's aye maist sawn o' the
+best crap?"
+
+
+=A Marriage "Not Made in Heaven"=
+
+Watty Marshall was a simple, useless, good-for-nothing body, who somehow
+or other got married to a terrible shrew of a wife. Finding out that she
+had made a bad bargain, she resolved to have the best of it, and
+accordingly abused and thrashed her luckless spouse to such an extent
+that he, in despair, went to the minister to get unmarried.
+
+The parson told him that he could do him no such service as marriages
+were made in heaven.
+
+"Made in heaven, sir," cried Watty; "it's a lee! I was marriet i' your
+ain kitchen, wi' your twa servant hizzies looking on! I doubt ye hae
+made an awfu' mistake wi' my marriage, sir, for the muckle fire that was
+bleezing at the time made it look far mair like the other place! What a
+life I'll hae to lead, baith in this world and the next, for that
+blunder o' yours, minister!"
+
+
+="Another Opportunity"=
+
+An old gentleman named Scott was engaged in the "affair of the '15" (the
+Rebellion of 1715) and with some difficulty was saved from the gallows
+by the intercession by the Duchess of Buccleuch and Monmouth. Her grace,
+who maintained considerable authority over her clan, sent for the object
+of her intercession and, warning him of the risk which he had run and
+the trouble she had taken on his account, wound up her lecture by
+intimating that, in case of such disloyalty again, he was not to expect
+her interest in his favor.
+
+"An' it please your grace," said the stout old Tory, "I fear I am too
+old to see another opportunity."
+
+
+=A Night in a Coal-cellar=
+
+One night, sitting later than usual, sunk in the profundities of a great
+folio tome, the Rev. Dr. Wightman of Kirkmahol imagined he heard a sound
+in the kitchen inconsistent with the quietude and security of a manse,
+and so taking his candle he proceeded to investigate the cause. His foot
+being heard in the lobby, the housekeeper began with all earnestness to
+cover the fire, as if preparing for bed.
+
+"Ye're late up to-night, Mary."
+
+"I'm jist rakin' the fire, sir, and gaun to bed."
+
+"That's right, Mary; I like timeous hours."
+
+On his way back to the study he passed the coal-closet, and, turning the
+key, took it with him. Next morning, at an early hour, there was a rap
+at his bedroom door, and a request for the key to put a fire on.
+
+"Ye're too soon up, Mary; go back to your bed yet."
+
+Half an hour later there was another knock, and a similar request in
+order to prepare the breakfast.
+
+"I don't want breakfast so soon, Mary; go back to your bed."
+
+Another half an hour and another knock with an entreaty for the key, as
+it was washing day. This was enough. He rose and handed out the key
+saying, "go and let the man out."
+
+Mary's sweetheart had been imprisoned all night in the coal-closet, as
+the minister shrewdly suspected, and, Pyramis-and-Thisbe-like, they had
+breathed their love to each other through the key-hole. [25]
+
+
+=Not Quite an Ass=
+
+James Boswell, the biographer of Dr. Johnson, was distinguished in his
+private life by his humor and power of repartee. He has been described
+as a man in whose face it was impossible at any time to look without
+being inclined to laugh. The following is one of his good things: As he
+was pleading one day at the Scotch bar before his father, Lord
+Auchinleck, who was at that time what is called Ordinary on the Bills
+(judge of cases in the first stage), the testy old senator, offended at
+something his son said, peevishly exclaimed: "Jamie, ye're an ass, man."
+
+"Not exactly, my lord," answered the junior; "only a colt, the foal of
+an ass."
+
+
+=A Cute Gaoler=
+
+Before the adoption of the police act in Airdrie, a worthy named Geordie
+G---- had the surveillance of the town. A drunken, noisy Irishman was
+lodged in a cell, who caused an "awful row" by kicking at the cell-door
+with his heavy boots. Geordie went to the cell, and opening the door a
+little, said:
+
+"Man, ye micht put aff yer buits, and I'll gie them a bit rub, so that
+ye'll be respectable like afore the bailie in the mornin'."
+
+The prisoner complied with his request, and saw his mistake only when
+the door was closed upon him, Geordie crying out:
+
+"Ye can kick as lang as ye like, noo."
+
+
+=Not Qualified to Baptize=
+
+The only amusement in which Ralph Erskine, the father of the Scottish
+Secession, indulged, was playing the violin. He was so great a
+proficient on this instrument, and so often beguiled his leisure hours
+with it, that the people of Dumfermline believed he composed his sermons
+to its tones, as a poet writes a song to a particular air. They also
+tell the following anecdote connected with the subject:
+
+A poor man in one of the neighboring parishes, having a child to
+baptize, resolved not to employ his own clergyman, with whom he was at
+issue on certain points of doctrine, but to have the office performed by
+some minister of whose tenets fame gave a better report.
+
+With the child in his arms, therefore, and attended by the full
+complement of old and young women who usually minister on such
+occasions, he proceeded to the manse of ----, some miles off (not that
+of Mr. Erskine), where he inquired if the clergyman was at home.
+
+"Na; he's no' at hame yeenoo," answered the servant lass; "he's down the
+burn fishing; but I can soon cry him in."
+
+"Ye needna gie yoursel' the trouble," replied the man, quite shocked at
+this account of the minister's habits; "nane o' your fishin' ministers
+shall bapteeze my bairn."
+
+Off he then trudged, followed by his whole train, to the residence of
+another parochial clergyman, at the distance of some miles. Here, on
+inquiring if the minister was at home, the lass answered:
+
+"'Deed he's no' at home the day, he's been out since sax i' the morning
+at the shooting. Ye needna wait, neither; for he'll be sae made out when
+he comes back, that he'll no' be able to say bo to a calf, let-a-be
+kirsen a wean!"
+
+"Wait, lassie!" cried the man in a tone of indignant scorn; "wad I wait,
+d'ye think, to haud up my bairn before a minister that gangs oot at six
+i' the morning to shoot God's creatures? I'll awa down to gude Mr.
+Erskine at Dumfermline; and he'll be neither out at the fishing nor
+shooting, I think."
+
+The whole baptismal train then set off for Dumfermline, sure that the
+Father of the Secession, although not now a placed minister, would at
+least be engaged in no unclerical sports, to incapacitate him for
+performing the sacred ordinance in question.
+
+On their arriving, however, at the house of the clergyman, which they
+did not do until late in the evening, the man, on rapping at the door,
+anticipated that he would not be at home any more than his brethren, as
+he heard the strains of a fiddle proceeding from the upper chamber. "The
+minister will not be at home," he said, with a sly smile to the girl who
+came to the door, "or your lad wadna be playing that gait t'ye on the
+fiddle."
+
+"The minister _is_ at hame," quoth the girl; "mair by token, it's
+himsel' that's playing, honest man; he aye takes a tune at night, before
+he gangs to bed. Faith, there's nae lad o' mine can play that gait; it
+wad be something to tell if ony o' them could."
+
+"_That_ the minister playing!" cried the man in a degree of astonishment
+and horror far transcending what he had expressed on either of the
+former occasions. "If _he_ does this, what may the rest no' do? Weel, I
+fairly gie them up a'thegither. I have traveled this haill day in search
+o' a godly minister, and never man met wi' mair disappointment in a
+day's journey." "I'll tell ye what, gudewife," he added, turning to the
+disconsolate party behind, "we'll just awa' back to our ain minister
+after a'. He's no' a'thegither sound, it's true; but let him be what he
+likes in doctrine, deil hae me if ever I kenk him fish, shoot, or play
+on the fiddle a' his days!"
+
+
+=One Scotchman Outwitted by Another=
+
+Some years since, before the sale of game was legalized, and a present
+of it was thought worth the expense of carriage, an Englishman who had
+rented a moor within twenty miles of Aberdeen, wishing to send a ten
+brace box of grouse to his friends in the south, directed his gilly to
+procure a person to take the box to the capital of the north, from
+whence the London steamer sailed. Not one, however, of the miserably
+poor tenants in the neighborhood could be found who would take the box
+for a less sum than eight shillings. This demand was thought so
+unreasonable, that the Englishman complained to a Scotch friend who was
+shooting along with him.
+
+The Scotchman replied that "the natives always make a point of imposing
+as much as possible upon strangers; but," he said "if you will leave it
+to me, I will manage it for you; for with all their knavery, they are
+the simplest people under the sun."
+
+A few days afterwards, going out shooting, they saw a man loading his
+cart with peats, when the Scotchman, approaching him, said, after the
+usual salutation--"What are you going to do with the peats?"
+
+"I'm going to Aberdeen to sell them," was the reply.
+
+"What do you get for them?"
+
+"One shilling and eightpence, sir."
+
+"Indeed! Well, I will buy them, if you will be sure to deliver them for
+me at Aberdeen."
+
+"That I will, and thank you, too, sir."
+
+All agreed, the Scotchman resumed his walk for about twenty yards, when
+he suddenly turned round and said: "By-the-by, I have a small box I want
+taken to the same place. You can place it on the top of the peats?"
+
+"That I will, and welcome, sir."
+
+"Well, if you will call at the lodge in the evening, I will give you the
+direction for the peats, and you can have the box at the same time."
+
+He did so, and actually carried the box, and gave a load of peats for
+one shilling and eightpence, although neither the same man nor any of
+his neighbors would forward the box _alone_ for less than eight
+shillings.
+
+
+=Quaint Old Edinburgh Ministers=
+
+There was wee Scotty, o' the Coogate Kirk; and a famous preacher he was
+at the height o' his popularity. But he was sadly bathered wi' his
+flock, for they kept him aye in het water.
+
+Ae day he was preaching on Job. "My brethren," says he, "Job, in the
+first place, was a sairly-tried man; Job, in the second place, was an
+uncommonly patient man; Job, in the third place, never preached in the
+Coogate; fourthly and lastly, had Job preached _there_, the Lord help
+his patience."
+
+ * * * * *
+
+At anither time, before the service began, when there was a great noise
+o' folk gaun into their seats, he got up in the pu'pit an' cried
+out--"Oh, that I could hear the pence rattle in the plate at the door
+wi' half the noise ye mak' wi' yer cheepin' shoon! Oh, that Paul had
+been here wi' a long wudden ladle! for yer coppers are strangers in a
+far country, an' as for yer silver an' gold--let us pray!"
+
+ * * * * *
+
+An' there was Deddy Weston, wha began ane o' his Sunday morning services
+in this manner: "My brethren, I'll divide my discourse the day into
+three heads: _Firstly_, I'll tell ye something that I ken, an' you dinna
+ken. _Secondly_, I'll tell ye something that you ken, an' I dinna ken.
+_Thirdly_, I'll tell ye something that neither you nor me ken.
+_Firstly_, Coming ower a stile this mornin', my breeks got an unco'
+skreed. That's something that I ken, an' you dinna ken. _Secondly_, What
+you're gaun to gie Charlie Waddie, the tailor, for mendin' my breeks, is
+what you ken, an' I dinna ken. _Thirdly_, What Charlie Waddie's to tak'
+for mendin' my breeks, is what neither you nor me ken. _Finally and
+lastly_, Hand round the ladle."
+
+ * * * * *
+
+An' there was Doctor Dabster, that could pit a bottle or twa under his
+belt, an' was neither up nor down. But an unco' bitter body was he when
+there was a sma' collection. Before the service began, the beadle
+generally handed him a slip of paper stating the amount collected. Ae
+day a' the siller gathered was only twa' shillin's an' ninepence; an' he
+could never get this out o' his head through the whole of his sermon.
+
+He was aye spunkin oot noo an' then. "It's the land o' Canawn ye're
+thrang strivin' after," says he; "The land o' Canawn, eh?--twa an'
+ninepence! yes, ye're sure to gang there! I think I see ye! Nae doot
+ye'll think yersel's on the richt road for't. Ask yer consciences, an'
+see what they'll say. Ask them, an' see what they'll say. Ask them, an'
+what _will_ they say? I'll tell ye: 'Twa miserable shillin's an'
+ninepence is puir passage-money for sic a lang journey!' What?
+Twa-an'-ninepence! As weel micht a coo gang up a tree tail foremost, an'
+whistle like a superannuated mavis, as get to Canawn for that!" [26]
+
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[1] Said by Burns, at the request of the Earl of Selkirk.
+
+
+
+
+Glossary
+
+
+=Aa. I.=
+
+_Aboon._ Above.
+
+_Ae._ One.
+
+_Aff._ Off.
+
+_Afit._ Afoot.
+
+_Aiblins._ Perhaps, possibly.
+
+_Ain._ Own.
+
+_Ane._ One.
+
+_A'thegither._ Altogether.
+
+_Auchteenpence._ Eighteenpence.
+
+_Aught._ Eight.
+
+_Auld._ Old.
+
+_Ava._ At all.
+
+_Awn._ Own.
+
+_Aye._ Always.
+
+
+=Babble-ment. Confusion.=
+
+_Bairns._ Children.
+
+_Baith._ Both.
+
+_Bane._ Bone.
+
+_Bauld._ Bold.
+
+_Bawbee._ A half-penny.
+
+_Begond._ Began.
+
+_Belyve._ Immediately, quickly.
+
+_Ben._ Towards; towards the inner; the inner room of a house.
+
+_Blate, blait._ Bashful.
+
+_Blinkit._ Flashed, glanced.
+
+_Birkies._ Lively young fellows.
+
+_Blude._ Blood.
+
+_Bobshanks._ Knees.
+
+_Braes._ The sides of hills.
+
+_Braik._ Break.
+
+_Braw._ Fine, gay, worthy, handsome.
+
+_Bree._ Soup, sauce, juice.
+
+_Brig._ Bridge.
+
+_Brocht._ Brought.
+
+_Brose._ A kind of pottage made by pouring hot water on oatmeal, and
+stirring while the water is poured.
+
+_Bucky._ Hind quarters (of a hare).
+
+_Buits._ Boots.
+
+_Buss._ Kiss.
+
+
+=Canny. Cautious, Prudent.=
+
+_Cantrip._ Charm, spell, trick.
+
+_Carle, carl._ A man, as distinguished from a boy.
+
+_Carline._ An old woman.
+
+_Cauld._ Cold.
+
+_Caup._ Cup, wooden bowl.
+
+_Chapping._ Striking.
+
+_Chau'ders._ Denoting large quantities.
+
+_Cheekit._ Entrapped.
+
+_Chiel._ A stripling, a fellow, a servant.
+
+_Chwat._ What.
+
+_Clachan._ Clan.
+
+_Claes._ Clothes.
+
+_Clan._ Tribe.
+
+_Con'le-licht._ Candle-light.
+
+_Coo._ Cow.
+
+_Cuddy._ Donkey.
+
+_Crackit._ Cracked.
+
+_Crand._ Grand.
+
+_Craw._ Crow.
+
+_Crouse._ Boldly, lively, brisk.
+
+_Custrin._ Silly.
+
+_Cutties._ Short spoons.
+
+
+=Dae. Do.=
+
+_Daft._ Foolish, gay, giddy, wanton.
+
+_Daunder._ To wander.
+
+_Deavin'._ Deafening.
+
+_Dee._ Die.
+
+_Deil._ Devil.
+
+_Ding._ To beat.
+
+
+_Dinna._ Do not.
+
+_Dittha._ Do they.
+
+_Dochter._ Daughter.
+
+_Douce._ Sedate, sober.
+
+_Doit._ Numskull.
+
+_Doup._ The breech, the bottom or extremity of anything.
+
+_Dour._ Bold, inflexible, obstinate, stern.
+
+_Drap._ A drop; to drop.
+
+_Drookit._ Soaked.
+
+_Droon't._ Drowned.
+
+_Dub-shouper._ Gutter-cleaner.
+
+_Durdham._ Squabble.
+
+
+=E'e. Eye.=
+
+_E'en._ Eyes; even.
+
+_Eer._ Air.
+
+_Eneuch._ Enough.
+
+_E'enow._ Even now.
+
+_Extrornar._ Extraordinary.
+
+
+=Faa'. Fall.=
+
+_Fack._ Fact
+
+_Far eist?_ Where is it?
+
+_Far was't?_ Where was it?
+
+_Fash._ Trouble.
+
+_Fat?_ What?
+
+_Faud._ Found.
+
+_Faut._ Fault.
+
+_Fecht._ Fight.
+
+_Feck._ A term denoting space, quantity, number; _the feck o' them_
+means "the most part of them."
+
+_Feckled._ Made weak.
+
+_Feine._ Fine.
+
+_Ferry._ Very.
+
+_Fifish._ Somewhat deranged.
+
+_Fleg, fley._ To frighten.
+
+_Flit, flyt._ To change, to remove, to transport. Commonly used of
+changing one's residence.
+
+_Fluir._ Floor.
+
+_Flyte, Flytings._ To scold, scolding.
+
+_Fog._ Moss.
+
+_Forebears._ Ancestors.
+
+_Forrit._ Forward.
+
+_Fortnicht._ Fortnight.
+
+_Foo'._ A fool, through being drunk.
+
+_Fou, fu'._ Drunk, full.
+
+_Fouk._ Folk.
+
+_Freens._ Friends, relatives.
+
+_Fremit._ Strange.
+
+_Fules._ Fools.
+
+_Fund._ Found.
+
+
+=Gaed. Went.=
+
+_Gait._ Way.
+
+_Gang._ Go.
+
+_Gars._ Causes, makes.
+
+_Gash._ Ghastly.
+
+_Gav'd._ Made, induced.
+
+_Gey, gay._ Moderately.
+
+_Gied._ Gave.
+
+_Gin._ If.
+
+_Glint._ Sight, glimpse.
+
+_Gowd, goud._ Gold.
+
+_Gowk, golk._ Cuckoo, fool.
+
+_Greetin', greitin._ Crying, the act of.
+
+_Grit._ Great.
+
+_Grond._ Grand.
+
+_Grup._ Grip.
+
+_Gude, guid._ Good.
+
+_Gully._ A large knife.
+
+
+=Hae. Have.=
+
+_Haggis._ A pudding, made in a sheep's stomach, with oatmeal, suet, the
+heart, liver and lungs of the sheep, minced down and seasoned with salt,
+pepper, and onions, and boiled for use.
+
+_Haist._ Haste.
+
+_Hale._ Whole.
+
+_Haudin'._ Holding, keeping.
+
+_Haveril._ One who talks habitually in a foolish manner.
+
+_Heck, hech, high._ To pant, to breathe hard; an exclamation which
+expresses a condition of breathlessness.
+
+_Heid._ Head.
+
+_Hemmel._ A cow without horns.
+
+_Het._ Hot.
+
+_Hielans._ Highlands.
+
+_Hirple._ To move in a halting manner, as if crippled or momentarily
+injured, as by a blow.
+
+_Hoo._ How.
+
+_Hunner._ Hundred.
+
+_Hurdham._ Squabble.
+
+_Hustrin._ Lascivious.
+
+
+=Ilka, ilk. Every, each.=
+
+_Intil, intill._ In, into.
+
+_Intil't._ Into it.
+
+
+=Jalouse. Expect, guess.=
+
+_Jaud._ Jade.
+
+
+=Keeking, keiking. Looking= with a prying eye, peeping.
+
+_Kame, kaim._ To comb, comb, honeycomb.
+
+_Ken._ To know; to be acquainted; to understand.
+
+_Kintra._ Country.
+
+_Kirk._ Church.
+
+_Kirsen._ To christen.
+
+
+=Laird. A man of superior= rank; the owner of a property.
+
+_Lang._ Long, to long or yearn.
+
+_Langsyne._ Long since.
+
+_Lawin'._ A tavern bill.
+
+_Leear._ Liar.
+
+_Lees._ Lies.
+
+_Leeve._ Live.
+
+_Leeving._ Living.
+
+_Lippened._ Trusted, depended.
+
+_Li-thall._ Lethal, deadly, mortal.
+
+_Loon._ Clown, fool.
+
+_Lugs._ Ears.
+
+_Lum, lumb._ Chimney.
+
+_Louring drouth._ Thirst.
+
+
+=Mair. More.=
+
+_Mairret._ Married.
+
+_Maun._ Must.
+
+_Meikle._ See "Muckle."
+
+_Micht._ Might.
+
+_Misca'._ Miscall.
+
+_Modiwarts, modywarts, moudicworts._ Moles.
+
+_Mon._ See "Maun."
+
+_Muckle._ Much, great.
+
+_Mune._ Moon.
+
+
+=Nit. Nut.=
+
+_Noo._ Now.
+
+
+=Ocht. Ought.=
+
+_Oot._ Out.
+
+
+=Parritch. Porridge.=
+
+_Pawkily, paukily._ Slily, artfully.
+
+_Pawpish._ Popish.
+
+_Poother._ Powder.
+
+_Pow._ The head; a slow rivulet--one moving on lands nearly flat.
+
+_Provost._ The mayor of a burgh or township.
+
+_Puir._ Poor.
+
+
+=Rale. Real.=
+
+_Reekit._ Smoked.
+
+_Reestit._ Smoke-dried.
+
+_Richt._ Right.
+
+_Rippet._ A difference of opinion such as to estrange; a quarrel.
+
+
+=Sair. Sore.=
+
+_Scart._ To scratch; to scrape money together; to scrape a dish with a
+spoon.
+
+_Sclate, sclait._ Slate.
+
+_Scoonril._ Scoundrel.
+
+_Sheltie._ A Shetland pony.
+
+_Shoost._ Just.
+
+_Sic._ Such.
+
+_Sicht._ Sight.
+
+_Siller._ Silver.
+
+_Sink._ Think.
+
+_Skalin'._ Dispersing, retiring, spilling.
+
+_Skelpin'._ Clapping, applause.
+
+_Skirl._ To cry shrilly, shriek.
+
+_Sleekit._ Smooth, shining, oily.
+
+_Sma'._ Small.
+
+_Smiddy._ A smith's shop, smithy.
+
+_Sneeshin'._ Sneezing.
+
+_Sooming._ Swimming.
+
+_Sorners_ Spongers, loiterers.
+
+_Southrons._ Those who live in the south.
+
+_Spier, speir._ To ask.
+
+_Spigot._ Peg, vent-peg.
+
+_Spune._ Spoon.
+
+_Stane._ Stone.
+
+_Strae._ Straw.
+
+_Strathspeys._ A dance tune for two.
+
+_Steekit._ Soon.
+
+_Suppone._ Suppose.
+
+_Syne._ Since.
+
+
+=Tacket. A nail of a shoe.=
+
+_Tae._ The toe.
+
+_Taes._ Toes.
+
+_Taigle._ Confound.
+
+_Tauld._ Told.
+
+_Thae._ Those (just referred to).
+
+_Thocht, thoucht._ Thought.
+
+_Thrang._ Busy, pressed, crowded, thronged.
+
+_Tift._ Coolness, estrangement.
+
+_Tint._ Lost.
+
+_Toom._ Empty.
+
+_Trow._ To believe.
+
+_Twa._ Two.
+
+
+=Unco'. Unknown, very, extra.=
+
+
+=Wad. Would.=
+
+_Wadna._ Would not.
+
+_Wanse._ Once.
+
+_Ware._ Trouble, fuss.
+
+_Wast._ West.
+
+_Wean (wee-ane)._ A child, little one.
+
+_Wee._ Small, little, a short time.
+
+_Weed._ Wild.
+
+_Wersh._ Insipid to the taste.
+
+_Wha._ Who.
+
+_Whaur._ Where.
+
+_Wheen._ A number, quantity, division.
+
+_Whets._ What is, that which is.
+
+_Whilk._ Which.
+
+_Worilt._ World.
+
+_Wot._ To know.
+
+_Wowf._ Half-mad.
+
+_Wud._ Would.
+
+_Wull._ Will.
+
+_Wunnering._ Wondering.
+
+
+=Yestreen. Last night.=
+
+_Yirth._ Earth.
+
+
+
+
+Out of School Series
+
+
+It is the intention of the publishers to include in this series only the
+best copyright stories for boys and girls by well-known popular authors.
+This idea has been kept in mind in making the selections, and we can
+heartily recommend any or all of the stories.
+
+
+=A Roman Maiden=
+
+ =By Emma Marshall, author of "Fanny and Her Friends," "Master
+ Martin," etc., etc. 12mo. Cloth. Illustrated. $1.00.=
+
+A quaint story of the fourth century which maids of the twentieth
+century will thoroughly enjoy. Hyacintha is the daughter of one of the
+most noble houses of Rome, and as such she is permitted to enter the
+Temple of Vesta as a Vestal Virgin; the greatest honor possible to a
+daughter of Rome. The charm and simplicity of life in the Temple of
+Vesta are beautifully described, and a tender little love story gives to
+the book the needed touch of romance.
+
+
+=The Worst Boy in Town=
+
+ =By John Habberton, author of "Helen's Babies," "Phil Fuzzytop,"
+ etc., etc. Illustrated. 12mo. Cloth. $1.00.=
+
+What Tom Hughes did for the Rugby boy, Habberton has in this volume done
+for the American village lad. The book is manly and valuable.--_New York
+Herald._
+
+The "worst boy" is simply a lad whose exuberant spirits are eternally
+leading him into pranks. * * * A pleasant volume for the Boys'
+Library.--_Detroit Free Press._
+
+
+=A Little Turning Aside=
+
+ =By Barbara Yechton, author of "We Ten," "Derrick," etc.
+ Illustrated. 12mo. Cloth. $1.00.=
+
+[Illustration: book front cover]
+
+The book is as dainty and charming as any published in years. The cover
+design and illustrations are in keeping with the story itself.--_Troy
+Daily Times._
+
+We recommend the book with pleasure.--_Boston Courier._
+
+It is an excellent book for girls, old and young, and should find a
+place in every home.--_Lutheran Observer._
+
+A bright and wholesome story.--_The Advance._
+
+
+=The Little Ladies of Ellenwood=
+
+ =And Their Hidden Treasure. By Sarah G. Connell. Illustrated. 12mo.
+ Cloth. $1.00.=
+
+A delightful story for young people. It has a freshness, interest and
+purity solely its own.--_St. Paul Dispatch._
+
+A story with a moral, and a good one at that. Well and entertainingly
+told and the characters are ably portrayed.--_Burlington Hawkeye._
+
+Sarah G. Connell has written a story in which all the children will
+delight. It tells of a family of six children who had been reared in
+luxury by their loving father, and how, when bankruptcy darkened their
+doors, they all took hold to make life in their altered circumstances
+still happy and all the more worth living. The story is well told, and
+there is enough fun scattered through its pages to make the reading
+joyously interesting. It is a book which every child will
+enjoy.--_Boston Times._
+
+A fresh story which will hold the attention of young folk, especially
+girls.--_Living Church._
+
+
+
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's note:
+
+For some unexplained reason, a few anecdotes appear twice.
+
+Some possible typographical errors have not been altered, as they
+might reflect acceptable spelling at the time the book was written.
+
+Numerous punctuation marks have been inserted or amended.
+
+Hyphenation: the following variants appear in this text:
+
+ "bell-man" and "bellman", "church-yard" and "churchyard",
+ "game-keeper" and "gamekeeper", "great-grandfather" and
+ "greatgrandfather", "help-mate" and "helpmate",
+ "Highland-man" and "Highlandman", "hill-side" and
+ "hillside", "nick-name" and "nickname".
+
+On p. 17, the reference number [38] is almost certainly wrong, but it is
+impossible to determine what the correct number should be.
+
+On p. 102, "droughty" should possibly be "drouthy" but has not been
+amended.
+
+Incorrect page numbers in the Table of Contents have been silently
+corrected. Similarly, titles of anecdotes have been silently corrected
+to match the entries in the Table of Contents.
+
+The following typographical amendments have been made:
+
+p. 8 "mannderings" amended to "maunderings";
+
+p. 9 "Peter Peeble's" amended to "Peter Peebles'";
+
+p. 15 "denouément" amended to "dénouement";
+
+p. 17 "lear" amended to "leear";
+
+p. 18 "Reminiscenses" amended to "Reminiscences";
+
+p. 44 "hapdened" amended to "happened";
+
+p. 46 "causus belli" amended to "casus belli";
+
+p. 55 "or" amended to "of";
+
+p. 59 "Au old minister" amended to "An old minister";
+
+p. 60 "pny" amended to "pony", and "It'so" amended to "It's";
+
+p. 79 "vilage" amended to "village";
+
+p. 91 "gav'd" amended to "gar'd";
+
+p. 96 "Ses's" amended to "She's";
+
+p. 97 "inqured" amended to "inquired";
+
+p. 104 "brawled out" amended to "bawled out"
+
+p. 119 "majesly" mended to "majesty";
+
+p. 120 "peremtorily" amended to "peremptorily";
+
+p. 126 "in in" amended to "in";
+
+p. 127 "vengence" amended to "vengeance";
+
+p. 141 "I have faud ye a bed" amended to "I have fand ye a bed"
+
+p. 157 "esconced" amended to "ensconced";
+
+p. 161 "Entrace" amended to "Entrance";
+
+p. 168 "folowing" amended to "following";
+
+p. 170 "to eager" amended to "too eager";
+
+p. 171 "Sandly" amended to "Sandy";
+
+p. 178 "pennny" amended to "penny";
+
+p. 180 "to he very dignified" amended to "to be very dignified";
+
+p. 182 "Kirkaldy" amended to "Kirkcaldy";
+
+p. 183 "thea sermons" amended to "thae sermons", and "Spreyside" amended
+to "Speyside";
+
+p. 207 "Ursâ" amended to "Ursa";
+
+p. 214 "_That_" amended to "_That's_".
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41732 ***
generated by cgit v1.2.3 (git 2.25.1) at 2026-02-20 17:06:46 +0000