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diff --git a/41595.txt b/41595.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 2837a92..0000000 --- a/41595.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,25119 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Funny Side of Physic, by A. D. Crabtre - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Funny Side of Physic - -Author: A. D. Crabtre - -Release Date: December 10, 2012 [EBook #41595] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FUNNY SIDE OF PHYSIC *** - - - - -Produced by The Online Distributed Proofreading Team at -http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images -generously made available by The Internet Archive.) - - - - - - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE FUNNY SIDE OF PHYSIC: - - OR, - - THE MYSTERIES OF MEDICINE, - PRESENTING THE - HUMOROUS AND SERIOUS SIDES OF MEDICAL PRACTICE. - - AN EXPOSE OF - MEDICAL HUMBUGS, QUACKS, AND CHARLATANS - IN ALL AGES AND ALL COUNTRIES. - - - By A. D. CRABTRE, M. D. - - - HARTFORD: - J. B. BURR & HYDE. - CHICAGO AND CINCINNATI: - J. B. BURR, HYDE & COMPANY. - 1872. - - - - - Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1872, by - J. B. BURR AND HYDE, - In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. - - - - -PREFACE. - - -The books which most please while instructing the reader, are those which -mingle the lively and gay with the sedate spirit in the narration of -important facts. The verdict of the reader of this work must be (it is -modestly suggested), that the author has luckily hit the happy vein in its -construction. - -Of all facts which bear upon human happiness or sorrow, those which serve -to increase the former, and alleviate or banish the latter, are most -desirable for everybody to know; and of all professions which most -intimately concern the personal well-being of the public at large, that of -the physician is most important. The author of this book has spared no -pains of research to collect the facts of which he discourses, and has -endeavored to cover the whole ground embraced by his subject with -pertinent and important suggestions, statements, scientific discoveries, -incidents in the career of great physicians, etc., and to fix them in the -reader's mind by _apt anecdotes, which will be found in abundance -throughout the work_. - -There is no better man in the world than the true physician, and no more -base wretch than the ordinary "Quack," or medical charlatan. If the author -has spared no pains of study to make his book acceptable, he may be said, -also, to have as unsparingly visited his indignation upon the quacks who -have all along the line of historic medicine disgraced the physician's and -the surgeon's profession. - -The general public but little understand what a vast amount of ignorance -has at times been cunningly concealed by medical practitioners, and how -grossly the people of every city and village are even nowadays trifled -with by some who arrogate to themselves the honorable title of Doctor of -Medicine. - -Herein not only the base and the good physician, but the honorable and the -trifling apothecary, receive their due reward, or well-merited punishment, -so far as the pen can give them. The reader will be utterly surprised when -he comes to learn how the quacks of the past and the present have brought -themselves into note by tricks and schemes very similar and equally -infamous. The wanton trifling with the health and life of their patients, -the greed of gain, and the perfect destitution of all moral nature, which -some of these men have exhibited in their career, are astounding. - -The apothecaries, as well as physicians, are descanted on, and the -miserable tricks to which the large majority of them resort, exposed. The -public will be astonished to find what trash in the matter of drugs it -pays for; how filthy, vile, and often poisonous and hurtful materials -people buy for medicines at extortionate prices; how even the syrups which -they drink in soda drawn from costly and splendid fountains are often made -from the most filthy materials, and are not fit for the lower animals, not -to say human beings, to drink. And this fact is only illustrative of -hundreds of others set forth in this work. - -This work not only exposes the multifold frauds of quacks, apothecaries, -travelling doctors, soothsayers, fortune-tellers, certain clairvoyants, -and "spiritual mediums," and the like, who "practise medicine" to a more -or less extent, or profess to discover and heal diseases,--but it points -out to the reader the most approved rules for protecting the health, and -recovering it when lost. In short, it is a work embodying the most sound -advice, founded upon the judgment of the best physicians of the past and -present, as tested in the Author's experience for a period of twenty -years' active practice. In other words, it is a compendium of sound -medical advice, as well as a racy, lively, and incisive dissection and -exposure of the villanies of quacks and other medical empirics, etc. - -Persons of all ages will find the work not only interesting to read, but -most valuable in a practical sense. To the young who would shun the crafts -and villanies to which they must be exposed as they grow up,--for all are -liable to be more or less ill at times,--it will prove invaluable, -enabling them to detect the spurious from the reliable in medicine, and -how to judge between the pretentious charlatan (even enjoying a large -ride) and the true physician. And none are so old that they may not reap -great advantages from the work. - - - - -CONTENTS. - - - I. MEDICAL HUMBUGS. - - ORIGIN AND APPLICATION OF "HUMBUG."--A FIFTH AVENUE HUMBUG.-- - JOB'S OPINION OF DOCTORS.--EARLY PHYSICIANS.--PRIESTS AS - DOCTORS.--WIZARDS COME TO GRIEF.--A "CAPITAL" OPERATION.--A - WOMAN CUT INTO TWELVE PIECES.--ANECDOTE.--ROBIN HOOD'S LITTLE - JOKE.--TIT FOR TAT. ENGLISH HUMBUGS.--FRENCH DITTO.--A - FORTUNE ON DIRTY WATER.--AMERICAN HUMBUGS.--A FIRST CLASS - "DODGE."--A FREE RIDE.--A SHARP INTERROGATOR.--DOCTOR - PUSBELLY.--A WICKED STAGE-DRIVER'S STORY.--"OLD PILGARLIC" - TAKES A BATH.--LUDICROUS SCENE.--PROFESSOR BREWSTER. 19 - - - II. APOTHECARIES. - - FIRST MENTION OF.--A POOR SPECIMEN.--ELIZABETHAN.--KING JAMES - I. [VI.].--ALLSPICE AND ALOES, SUGAR AND TARTAR EMETIC.-- - WAR.--PHYSICIAN VS. APOTHECARY.--IGNORANCE.--STEALING A - TRADE.--A LAUGHABLE PRESCRIPTION.--"CASTER ILE."--MODERN DRUG - SWALLOWING.--MISTAKES.--"STEALS THE TOOLS ALSO."-- - SUBSTITUTES.--"A QUID."--A "SMELL" OF PATENT MEDICINES.--"A - SAMPLE CLERK." 61 - - - III. PATENT MEDICINES. - - PATENT MEDICINES.--HOW STARTED.--HOW MADE.--THE WAY IMMENSE - FORTUNES ARE REALIZED.--SPALDING'S GLUE.--SOURED SWILL.-- - SARSAPARILLA HUMBUGS.--S. P. TOWNSEND.--"A DOWN EAST FARMER'S - STORY."--"WILD CHERRY" EXPOSITIONS.--"CAPTAIN WRAGGE'S PILL" - A FAIR SAMPLE OF THE WHOLE.--HOW PILL SALES ARE STARTED.--A - SLIP OF THE PEN.--"GRIPE PILLS."--SHAKSPEARE IMPROVED.--H. W. - B. "FRUIT SYRUP."--HAIR TONICS.--A BALD BACHELOR'S - EXPERIENCE.--A LUDICROUS STORY.--A WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING. 78 - - - IV. MANUFACTURED DOCTORS. - - A BOSTON BARBER AS M. D.--A BARBER "GONE TO POT."--FOOLS MADE - DOCTORS.--BAKERS.--BARBERS.--"A LUCKY DOG."--TINKERS.--ROYAL - FAVORS.--"LITTLE CARVER DAVY."--A BUTCHER'S BLOCKHEAD.--A - SWEEPING VISIT.--HOP-PED FROM OBSCURITY.--PEDAGOGUES TURN - DOCTORS.--ARBUTHNOT.--"A QUAKER."--"WALKS OFF ON HIS EAR."-- - WEAVERS AND BASKET-MAKERS.--A TOUGH PRINCE; REQUIRED THREE M. - D.'S TO KILL HIM.--MARAT A HORSE DOCTOR.--A MERRY PARSON.-- - BLACK MAIL.--POLICE AS A MIDWIFE, ETC., ETC. 99 - - - V. WOMAN AS PHYSICIAN. - - HER "MISSION."--NO PLACE IN MEDICAL HISTORY.--ONE OF THEM.-- - MRS. STEPHENS.--"CRAZY SALLY."--RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS.--RUNS IN - THE FAMILY.--ANECDOTES.--"WHICH GOT THRASHED?"--A WRETCHED - END.--AMERICAN FEMALE PHYSICIANS.--A PIONEER.--A LAUGHABLE - ANECDOTE.--"THREE WISE MEN."--"A SHORT HORSE," ETC.--BOSTON - AND NEW YORK FEMALE DOCTORS.--A STORY.--"LOVE AND - THOROUGHWORT."--A GAY BEAU.--UP THE PENOBSCOT.--DYING FOR - LOVE.--"IS HE MAD?"--THOROUGHWORT WINS. 123 - - - VI. QUACKS. - - ANECDOTE IN ILLUSTRATION.--DERIVATION.--FATHER OF QUACKS.--A - MEDICAL "BONFIRE."--THE "SAMSON" OF THE PROFESSION.--SIR - ASTLEY.--U. S. SURVEYOR-GENERAL HAMMOND.--HOMEOPATHIC QUACKS, - ETC.--A MUDDLED DEFINITION.--"STOP THIEF!"--CRIPPLED FOR - LIFE!--TWO POUNDS CALOMEL.--VICTIMS.--WASHINGTON, JACKSON, - HARRISON.--THE COUNTRY QUACK.--A TRUE AND LUDICROUS - ANECDOTE.--DYEING TO DIE!--A SCARED DOCTOR.--DROPSY!--A HASTY - WEDDING!--A COUNTRY CONSULTATION.--"SCENES FROM WESTERN - PRACTICE."--"TWIST ROOT."--A JOLLY TRIO.--NEW "BUST" OF - CUPID.--AN UNWILLING LISTENER. 157 - - - VII. CHARLATANS AND IMPOSTORS. - - DEFINITION.--ADVERTISING CHARLATANS.--CITY IMPOSTORS.--FALSE - NAMES.--"ADVICE FREE."--INTIMIDATIONS.--WHOLESALE ROBBERY.-- - VISITING THEIR DENS IN DISGUISE.--PASSING THE CERBERUS.-- - WINDINGS.--INS AND OUTS.--THE IRISH PORTER.--QUEER "TWINS," - AND A "TRIPLET" DOCTOR.--A HISTORY OF A KNAVE.--BOOT-BLACK - AND BOTTLE-WASHER.--PERQUISITES.--PURCHASED DIPLOMAS.-- - "INSTITUTES."--WHOLESALE SLAUGHTER OF INFANTS.--FEMALE - HARPIES.--A BOSTON HARPY.--WHERE OUR "LOST CHILDREN" GO.-- - END OF A WRETCH. 180 - - - VIII. ANECDOTES OF PHYSICIANS. - - A WANT SUPPLIED.--ORIGINAL ANECDOTES OF ABERNETHY.--A LIVE - IRISHMAN.--MADAM ROTHSCHILD.--LARGE FEET.--A SHANGHAI - ROOSTER.--SPREADING HERSELF.--KEROSENE.--"SALERATUS."--HIS - LAST JOKE.--AN ASTONISHED DARKY.--OLD DR. K.'S MARE.--A - SCARED CUSTOMER.--"WHAT'S TRUMPS?"--"LET GO THEM HALYARDS."-- - MEDICAL TITBITS.--MORE MUSTARD THAN MEAT.--"I WANT TO BE AN - ANGEL."--TOOTH-DRAWING.--DR. BEECHER VS. DR. HOLMES.-- - STEALING TIME.--CHOLERA FENCED IN.--"A JOKE THAT'S NOT A - JOKE."--A DRY SHOWER-BATH.--PARBOILING AN OLD LADY. 200 - - - IX. FORTUNE-TELLERS. - - PAST AND PRESENT.--BIBLE ASTROLOGERS AND FORTUNE-TELLERS.-- - ARABIAN.--EASTERN.--ENGLISH.--QUEEN'S FAVORITE.--LILLY.--A - LUCKY GUESS.--THE GREAT LONDON FIRE FORETOLD.--HOW.--OUR - "TIDAL WAVE" AND AGASSIZ.--A HALL OF FORTUNE-TELLERS.-- - PRESENT.--VISIT EN MASSE.--"FILLIKY MILLIKY."--"CHARGE - BAYONETS!"--A FOWL PROCEEDING.--FINDING LOST PROPERTY.--THE - MAGIC MIRROR EXPOSE.--"ONE MORE UNFORTUNATE."--PROCURESSES.-- - BOSTON MUSEUM.--"A NICE OLD GENTLEMAN."--MONEY DOES IT.-- - GREAT SUMS OF MONEY.--"LOVE POWDER" EXPOSE.--HASHEESH.--"DOES - HE LOVE ME?" 227 - - - X. EMINENT PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS. - - THEIR ORIGIN, BOYHOOD, EARLY STRUGGLES, ETC.--DOCTORS ARE - PUBLIC PROPERTY.--DR. MOTT, OF OYSTER BAY.--DR. PARKER.--A - "PLOUGH-BOY."--THE FARMER'S BOY AND THE OLD DOCTOR.--SCENE IN - BELLEVUE HOSPITAL.--"LEAVES FROM THE LIFE OF AN UNFLEDGED - AESCULAPIAN."--FIRST PATIENT.--"NONPLUSSED!"--ALL RIGHT AT - LAST.--PROFESSORS EBERLE AND DEWEES.--A HARD START.--"FOOTING - IT."--ABERNETHY'S BOYHOOD.--"OLD SQUEERS."--SPARE THE BOY AND - SPOIL THE ROD.--A DIGRESSION.--SKIRTING A BOG.--AN AGREEABLE - TURN.--PROFESSOR HOLMES.--A HOMELESS STUDENT. 253 - - - XI. GHOSTS AND WITCHES. - - FOLLY OF BELIEF IN GHOSTS.--WHY GHOSTS ARE ALWAYS WHITE.--A - TRUE STORY.--THE GHOST OF THE CAMP.--A GHOSTLY SENTRY-BOX.--A - MYSTERY.--THE NAGLES FAMILY.--RAISING THE DEAD.--A LIVELY - STAMPEDE.--HOLY WATER.--CAESAR'S GHOST AT PHILIPPI.--LORD - BYRON AND DR. JOHNSON.--GHOST OF A GUILTY CONSCIENCE.-- - "JOCKEYING A GHOST."--THE WOUNDED BIRD.--A BISHOP SEES A - GHOST.--MUSICAL GHOSTS.--A HAUNTED HOUSE.--ABOUT WITCHES.-- - "WITCHES IN THE CREAM."--HORSE-SHOES.--WOMAN OF ENDOR NOT A - WITCH.--WEIGHING FLESH AGAINST THE BIBLE.--THERE ARE NO - GHOSTS, OR WITCHES. 278 - - - XII. MEDICAL SUPERSTITIONS. - - OLD AND NEW.--THE SIGN OF JUPITER.--MODERN IDOLATRY.--ORIGIN - OF THE DAYS OF THE WEEK.--HOW WE PERPETUATE IDOLATRY.-- - SINGULAR FACT.--CHRISTMAS FESTIVITIES.--"OLD NICK."-- - RIDICULOUS SUPERSTITIONS.--GOLDEN HERB.--HOUSE CRICKETS.--A - STOOL WALKS.--THE BOWING IMAGES AT RHODE ISLAND.--HOUSE - SPIDERS.--THE HOUSE CAT.--SUPERSTITIOUS IDOLATRIES.-- - WONDERFUL KNOWLEDGE.--NAUGHTY BOYS.--ERRORS RESPECTING - CATS.--SANITARY QUALITIES.--OWLS.--A SCARED BOY.--HOLY - WATER.--UNLUCKY DAYS.--THUNDER AND LIGHTNING.--A KISS. 307 - - - XIII. TRAVELLING DOCTORS. - - PUBLIC CONFIDENCE(?).--THE EYE OF THE PUBLIC.--A BAD - SPECIMEN.--"REMARKABLE TUMOR."--"THE SINGING DOCTOR."--CAUGHT - IN A STORM.--BIG PUFFING.--A SPLENDID "TURNOUT."--WHO WAS - HE?--A SUDDEN DISAPPEARANCE.--THE "SPANKING DOCTOR."--A FAIR - VICTIM.--LOOSE LAWS.--DR. PULSEFEEL.--IMPUDENCE.--A FIDDLING - DOCTOR.--AN ENCORE.--"CHEEK."--VARIOUS WAYS OF ADVERTISING. 341 - - - XIV. SCENES FROM EVERY-DAY PRACTICE. - - THE BEGGAR BOY AND THE GOLDEN-HAIRED HEIRESS.--MY MIDNIGHT - CALL.--THE CONSCIENCE-STRICKEN MOTHER.--"OLD SEROSITY."--THE - ILLEGITIMATE CHILD.--DEATH OF THE BEAUTIFUL.--WHO IS THE - HEIR?--A TOUCHING SCENE.--FATE OF THE "BEGGAR BOY."--THE - TERRIBLE CALLER.--AN IRISH SCENE, FROM DR. DIXON'S BOOK.-- - BIDDY ON A RAMPAGE.--TERRY ON HIS DEATH BED.--THE STOMACH - PUMP.--BIDDY WON'T, AND SHE WILL.--THE BETRAYED AND HER - BETRAYER.--"IS THERE A GOD IN ISRAEL?"--THE HUSBANDLESS - MOTHER.--THE CRISIS AND COURT.--ANSWER.--THERE IS A "GOD IN - ISRAEL." 362 - - - XV. DOCTORS' FEES AND INCOMES. - - ANCIENT FEES.--LARGE FEES.--SPANISH PRIEST-DOCTORS.--A PIG ON - PENANCE.--SMALL FEES.--A "CHOP" POSTPONED.--LONG FEES.--SHORT - FEES.--OLD FEES.--A NIGHT-CAP.--AN OLD SHOE FOR LUCK.--A - BLACK FEE.--"HEART'S OFFERING."--A STUFFED CAT.--THE "GREAT - GUNS" OF NEW YORK.--BOSTON.--ROTTEN EGGS.--"CATCH WHAT YOU - CAN."--FEMALE DOCTORS' FEES.--ABOVE PRICE.--"ASK FOR A - FEE."--"PITCH HIM OVERBOARD."--DELICATE FEES.--MAKING THE - MOST OF THEM. 386 - - - XVI. GENEROSITY AND MEANNESS. - - THE WORLD UNMASKED.--A ROUGH DIAMOND.--DECAYED GENTILITY.-- - "THREE FLIGHT, BACK."--SEVERAL ANECDOTES.--THE OLD - FOX-HUNTER.--"STAND ON YOUR HEAD."--KINDNESS TO CLERGYMEN.-- - RARE CHARITY.--OLD AND HOMELESS.--THE "O'CLO'" JEW.--DR. - HUNTER'S GENEROSITY.--"WHAT'S THE PRICE OF BEEF?"--A SAD - OMISSION.--INNATE GENEROSITY.--A CURB-STONE MONEY-MANIAC.--AN - EYE-OPENER.--AN AVARICIOUS DOCTOR.--ROBBING THE DEAD. 410 - - - XVII. LOVE AND LOVERS. - - XANTIPPE, BEFORE JEALOUSY.--A FIRST LOVE.--BLASTED HOPES.--A - DOCTOR'S STORY.--THE FLIGHT FROM "THE HOUNDS OF THE LAW."-- - THE EXILE AND RETURN.--DISGUISED AS A PEDDLER.--ESCAPES WITH - HIS LOVE.--ENGLISH BEAUS.--YOUNG COQUETTES.--A GAY AND - DANGEROUS BEAU.--HANDSOME BEAUS.--LEAP YEAR.--AN OLD BEAU.-- - BEAUTY NOT ALL-POTENT.--OFFENDED ROYALTY.--YOUTH AND AGE.--A - STABLE BOY.--POET-DOCTOR. 438 - - - XVIII. MIND AND MATTER. - - IN WHICH ANIMAL MAGNETISM, MESMERISM, AND CLAIRVOYANCE ARE - EXPLAINED.--"THE IGNORANT MONOPOLY."--YET ROOM FOR - DISCOVERIES.--A "GASSY" SUBJECT.--DRS. CHAPIN AND BEECHER.-- - HE "CAN'T SEE IT."--THE ROYAL TOUCH.--GASSNER.--"THE DEVIL - KNOWS LATIN."--ROYALTY IN THE SHADE.--THE IRISH PROPHET; HE - VISITS LONDON.--A COMICAL CROWD.--MESMERISM.--A FUNNY - BED-FELLOW.--CLAIRVOYANCE.--THE GATES OF MOSCOW.--THE DOCTOR - OF ANTWERP.--THE OLD LADY IN THE POKE-BONNET.--VISIT TO A - CLAIRVOYANT.--"FORETELLING" THE PAST.--THE OLD WOMAN OF THE - PENOBSCOT MOUNTAINS.--A SECRET KEPT.--CUI BONO?--VISITS TO - SEVENTEEN CLAIRVOYANTS.--A BON-TON CLAIRVOYANT.--A BOUNCER.-- - RIDICULOSITY. 461 - - - XIX. ECCENTRICITIES. - - A ONE-EYED DOCTOR AND HIS HORSE.--A NEW EDIBLE.--"HAVE THEM - BOILED."--"BEAUTY AND THE BEAST."--A LOVELY STAMPEDE.--AN - ECCENTRIC PHILADELPHIAN.--THE POODLES, DRS. HUNTER AND - SCIPIO.--SILENT ELOQUENCE.--CONSISTENT TO THE END.--WHEN - DOCTORS DISAGREE.--FOUR BLIND MEN.--DIET AND SLEEP.--SAXE AND - SANCHO PANZA.--MOTHER GOOSE AS A DOCTOR'S BOOK.--THE TABLES - TURNED ON THE DOCTORS. 495 - - - XX. PRESCRIPTIONS REMARKABLE AND RIDICULOUS. - - FIG PASTE AND FIG LEAVES.--SOME OF THOSE OLD FELLOWS.--THEY - SLIGHTLY DISAGREE.--HOW TO KEEP CLEAN.--BAXTER VS. THE - DOCTOR.--A CURE FOR "RHEUMATIZ."--OLD ENGLISH DOSES.--CURE - FOR BLUES.--FOR HYSTERIA.--HEROIC DOSES.--DROWNING A FEVER.-- - AN EXACT SCIENCE.--SULPHUR AND MOLASSES.--A USE FOR POOR - IRISH.--MINERAL SPRINGS.--COLD DRINKS VS. WARM.--THE OLD LADY - AND THE AIR-PUMP.--SAVED BY HER BUSTLE.--COUNTRY - PRESCRIPTIONS AND A FUNNY MISTAKE.--ARE YOU DRUNK OR SOBER? 517 - - - XXI. SCENES FROM HOSPITAL AND CAMP. - - "HE FOUGHT MIT SIEGEL."--A HOSPITAL SCENE AT NIGHT.-- - ADMINISTERING ANGELS.--"WATER! WATER!"--THE SOLDIER-BOY'S - DYING MESSAGE.--THE WELL-WORN BIBLE.--WARM HEARTS IN FROZEN - BODIES.--"PUDDING AND MILK."--THE POETICAL AND AMUSING - SIDE.--"TO AMELIA."--MY LOVE AND I.--A SCRIPTURAL - CONUNDRUM.--MARRYING A REGIMENT. 538 - - - XXII. GLUTTONS AND WINE-BIBBERS. - - GOOD CHEER AND A CHEERFUL HEART.--A MODERN SILENUS.--A SAD - WRECK.--DELIRIUM TREMENS.--FATAL ERRORS.--"EATING LIKE A - GLUTTON."--STRENGTH IN WEAKNESS.--A HOT PLACE, EVEN FOR A - COOK.--A HUNGRY DOCTOR.--THE MODERN GILPIN.--A CHANGE! A SOW - FOR A HORSE!--A DUCK POND.--THE FORLORN WIDOW.--A SCIENTIFIC - GORMAND.--ANOTHER.--"DOORN'T GO TO 'IM," ETC.--DR. BUTLER'S - BEER AND BATH.--CASTS HIS LAST VOTE. 550 - - - XXIII. THE DOCTOR AS POET, AUTHOR, AND MUSICIAN. - - OUR PATRON, OUR PATTERN.--SOME WRITERS.--SOME BLUNDERS.--AN - OLD SMOKER.--OLD GREEKS.--A DUKE ANSWERED BY A COUNTRY - MISS.--THE PILGRIMS AND THE PEAS.--"LITTLE DAISY."--"CASA - WAPPA!"--FINE POETRY.--MORE SCHOOLMASTERS AND TAILORS.-- - NAPOLEON'S AND WASHINGTON'S PHYSICIANS.--A FRENCH - "BUTCHER."--A DIF. OF OPINION.--SOME EPITAPHS.--DR. HOLMES' - "ONE-HOSS SHAY."--HEALTHFUL INFLUENCE OF MUSIC.--SAVED BY - MUSIC.--A GERMAN TOUCH-UP.--MUSIC ON ANIMALS.--"MUSIC AMONG - THE MICE."--MUSIC AND HEALTH. 571 - - - XXIV. ADULTERATIONS. - - BREAD, BUTTER, AND THE BIBLE.--"JACK ASHORE."--BUCKWHEAT - CAKES ARE GOOD.--WHAT'S IN THE BREAD, AND HOW TO DETECT IT.-- - BUTTER.--HOW TO TELL GOOD AND BAD.--MILK.--ANALYSIS OF GOOD - AND "SWILL MILK."--WHAT'S IN THE MILK BESIDES MICE?--THE COW - WITH ONE TEAT.--"LOUD" CHEESE.--TEA AND COFFEE.--TANNIN, - SAWDUST, AND HORSES' LIVERS.--ALCOHOLIC DRINKS.--CHURCH WINE - AND BREAD.--BEER AND BITTER HERBS.--SPANISH FLIES AND - STRYCHNINE.--"NINE MEN STANDIN' AT THE DOOR."--BURTON'S ALE; - AN ASTONISHING FACT.--FISHY.--"FISH ON A SPREE."--TO REMEDY - IMPURE WATER.--CHARCOAL AND THE BISHOP.--HOG-ISH.--PORK AND - SCROFULA.--NOTICES OF THE PRESS. 599 - - - XXV. ALL ABOUT TOBACCO. - - "HOW MUCH?"--AMOUNT IN THE WORLD.--"SIAMESE TWINS."--A MIGHTY - ARMY.--ITS NAME AND NATIVITY.--A DONKEY RIDE.--LITTLE - BREECHES.--WHIPPING SCHOOL GIRLS AND BOYS TO MAKE THEM - SMOKE.--TOM'S LETTER.--"PURE SOCIETY."--HOW A YOUNG MAN WAS - "TOOK IN."--DELICIOUS MORSELS.--THE STREET NUISANCE.--A - SQUIRTER.--ANOTHER.--IT BEGETS LAZINESS.--NATIONAL RUIN.-- - BLACK EYES.--DISEASE AND INSANITY.--USES OF THE WEED.--GETS - RID OF SUPERFLUOUS POPULATION.--TOBACCO WORSE THAN RUM.--THE - OLD FARMER'S DOG AND THE WOODCHUCK.--"WHAT KILLED HIM." 633 - - - XXVI. DRESS AND ADDRESS OF PHYSICIANS. - - GOSSIP IS INTERESTING.--COMPARATIVE SIGNS OF GREATNESS.--THE - GREAT SURGEONS OF THE WORLD.--ADDRESS NECESSARY.--"THIS IS A - BONE."--DRESS NOT NECESSARY.--COUNTRY DOCTORS' DRESS.--HOW - THE DEACON SWEARS.--A GOOD MANY SHIRTS.--ONLY WASHED WHEN - FOUND DRUNK.--LITTLE TOMMY MISTAKEN FOR A GREEN CABBAGE BY - THE COW.--AN INSULTED LADY.--DOCTORS' WIGS.--"AIN'T SHE - LOVELY?"--HARVEY AND HIS HABITS.--THE DOCTOR AND THE - VALET.--A BIG WIG.--BEN FRANKLIN.--JENNER'S DRESS.--AN - ANIMATED WIG; A LAUGHABLE STORY.--A CHARACTER.--"DOSH, DOSH." 659 - - - XXVII. MEDICAL FACTS AND STATISTICS. - - HOW MANY.--WHO THEY ARE.--HOW THEY DIE.--HOW MUCH RUM THEY - CONSUME.--HOW THEY LIVE.--OLD AGE.--WHY WE DIE.--GET - MARRIED.--OLD PEOPLE'S WEDDING.--A GOOD ONE.--THE ORIGIN OF - THE HONEYMOON.--A SWEET OBLIVION.--HOLD YOUR TONGUE!--MANY - MEN, MANY MINDS.--"ALLOPATHY."--LOTS OF DOCTORS.--THE ITCH - MITE.--A HORSE-CAR RIDE.--KEEP COOL!--KNICKKNACKS.--HUMBLE - PIE.--INCREASE OF INSANITY.--A COOL STUDENT.--HOW TO GET RID - OF A MOTHER-IN-LAW. 680 - - - XXVIII. BLEEDERS AND BUTCHERS. - - BLEEDING IN 1872.--EARLIEST BLOOD-LETTERS.--A ROYAL - SURGEON.--A DRAWING JOKE.--THE PRETTY COQUETTE.--TINKERS AS - BLEEDERS.--WHOLESALE BUTCHERY.--THE BARBERS OF SOUTH - AMERICA.--OUR FOREFATHERS BLEED.--A FRENCH BUTCHER.--CUR?-- - ABERNETHY OPPOSES BLOOD-LETTING.--THE MISFORTUNES OF A - BARBER-SURGEON (THREE SCENES FROM DOUGLASS JERROLD); JOB - PIPPINS AND THE WAGONER; JOB AND THE HIGHWAYMEN; JOB NAKED - AND JOB DRESSED. 695 - - - XXIX. THE OMNIUM GATHERUM. - - EX-SELL-SIR!--"THE OBJECT TO BE ATTAINED."--A NOTORIOUS - FEMALE DOCTOR.--A WHITE BLACK MAN.--SQUASHY.--MOTHER'S - FOOL.--WHO IT WAS.--THE PHILOSOPHER AND HIS DAUGHTER.-- - EDUCATION AND GIBBERISH.--SCOTTISH HOSPITALITY.--THE OLD LADY - WITH AN ANIMAL IN HER STOMACH.--STORIES ABOUT LITTLE FOLKS.-- - THE BOY WITH A BULLET IN HIM.--CASE OF SMALL-POX.--NOT MUCH - TO LOOK AT.--FUNERAL ANTHEMS. 709 - - - XXX. THE OTHER SIDE. - - PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE.--STEALING FROM THE PROFESSION.-- - ANECDOTE OF RUFUS CHOATE.--INGRATES.--A NIGHT ROW.--"SAVING - AT THE SPIGOT AND WASTING AT THE BUNG."--SHOPPING PATIENTS.-- - AN AFFECTIONATE WIFE.--RUM AND TOBACCO PATIENTS.--THE - PHYSICIAN'S WIDOW AND ORPHAN, THE SUMMONS, THE TENEMENT, THE - INVALIDS, HOW THEY LIVED, HER HISTORY, THE UNNATURAL FATHER, - HOW THEY DIED, THE END.--A PETER-FUNK DOCTOR.--SELLING OUT. 727 - - - XXXI. "THIS IS FOR YOUR HEALTH." - - THE INESTIMABLE VALUE OF HEALTH.--NO BLESSING IN - COMPARISON.--MEN AND SWINE.--BEGIN WITH THE INFANT.--"BABY ON - THE PORCH."--IN A STRAIT JACKET.--"TWO LITTLE SHOES."-- - YOUTH.--IMPURE LITERATURE AND PASSIONS.--"OUR GIRLS."--BARE - ARMS AND BUSTS.--HOW AND WHAT WE BREATHE.--"THE FREEDOM OF - THE STREET."--KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN AND MOUTH CLOSED.--THE - LUNGS AND BREATHING.--A MAN FULL OF HOLES.--SEVEN MILLION - MOUTHS TO FEED.--PURE WATER.--CLEANLINESS. SOAP VS. - WRINKLES.--GOD'S SUNSHINE. 748 - - - XXXII. HEALTH WITHOUT MEDICINE. - - CHEERFULNESS.--GOOD ADVICE.--REV. FRANCIS J. COLLIER ON - CHRISTIAN CHEERFULNESS.--WHAT GOD SAYS ABOUT IT.--WHINING.-- - LOVE AND HEALTH.--AFFECTION AND PERFECTION.--SEPARATING THE - SHEEP AND GOATS.--THE FENCES UP AND FENCES DOWN.--SIXTEEN AND - SIXTY.--ACTION AND IDLENESS.--IDLENESS AND CRIME.--BEAUTY AND - DEVELOPMENT.--SLEEP.--DAY AND NIGHT.--"WHAT SHALL WE EAT?"--A - STOMACH-MILL AND A STEWING-PAN.--"FIVE MINUTES FOR - REFRESHMENTS."--ANCIENT DIET.--COOKS IN A "STEW."--THE - GREEN-GROCERIES OF THE CLASSICS.--CABBAGES AND ARTICHOKES.-- - ANIMAL AND VEGETABLE DIET. 769 - - - XXXIII. CONSUMPTION. - - CONSUMPTION A MONSTER!--UNIVERSAL REIGN.--SIGNS OF HIS - APPROACH.--WARNINGS.--BAD POSITIONS.--SCHOOL-HOUSES.--ENGLISH - THEORY.--PREVENTIVES.--AIR AND SUNSHINE.--SCROFULA.--A JOLLY - FAT GRANDMOTHER.--"WASP WAISTS."--CHANGE OF CLIMATE.--"TOO - LATE!"--WHAT TO AVOID.--HUMBUGS.--COD LIVER OIL.--STRYCHNINE - WHISKEY.--A MATTER-OF-FACT PATIENT.--SWALLOWING A - PRESCRIPTION.--SIT AND LIE STRAIGHT.--FEATHERS OR CURLED - HAIR.--A YANKEE DISEASE.--CATARRH AND COLD FEET, HOW TO - REMEDY.--"GIVE US SOME SNUFF, DOCTOR."--OTHER THINGS TO - AVOID.--A TENDER POINT. 790 - - - XXXIV. ACCIDENTS. - - RULES FOR MACHINISTS, MECHANICS, RAILROAD MEN, ETC., IN CASES - OF ACCIDENT.--HOW TO FIND AN ARTERY AND STOP THE BLEEDING.-- - DROWNING; TO RESTORE.--SUN-STROKE.--AVOID ICE.--"ACCIDENTS - WILL HAPPEN."--WHAT TO HAVE IN THE HOUSE.--BRUISES.--BURNS.-- - DO THE BEST YOU CAN AND TRUST GOD FOR THE REST. 811 - - - - -ILLUSTRATIONS. - - - 1. A. D. CRABTRE, M. D., Frontispiece. - - 2. DR. ANGLICUS PONTO, 31 - - 3. MISFORTUNES NEVER COME SINGLY, 33 - - 4. THE MISER OUTWITS HIMSELF, 38 - - 5. COMMENCING A PRACTICE IN NEW YORK, 47 - - 6. GRACE BEFORE MEAT, 48 - - 7. OLD PILGARLIC TAKES A BATH, 55 - - 8. PROFESSOR BREWSTER, 55 - - 9. AN INFANTRY CHARGE, 60 - - 10. THE "FREE PASS" PRESCRIPTION, 69 - - 11. THE WRONG PATIENT, 71 - - 12. A CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY, 77 - - 13. UNDER FULL SAIL, 77 - - 14. "IT'S ALL A HUMBUG," 82 - - 15. "BAREFOOTED ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD," 93 - - 16. OLD "SANDS OF LIFE," 96 - - 17. REFRESHMENTS, 98 - - 18. THE EYE DOCTOR, 103 - - 19. THE YOUNG SURGEON'S FIRST EXPERIENCE, 105 - - 20. HEALING THE SICK WITH A GOLDEN DOSE, 111 - - 21. THE PARSON BUYING OFF THE "CONGREGATION," 120 - - 22. A JUVENILE BACCHUS, 122 - - 23. "DON'T YOU OBSERVE THE ARMS OF MRS. MAPP?" 128 - - 24. THREE WISE STUDENTS CONSULTING A DOCTRESS, 134 - - 25. "POH! YOU'RE A GIRL," 141 - - 26. "HERE WE GO UP-UP-UPPY," 148 - - 27. "LOVE AMONG THE ROSES," 156 - - 28. THE INQUISITIVE COUNTRYMEN, 161 - - 29. CURIOUS EFFECTS OF A FEVER, 171 - - 30. MARRYING A FAMILY, 173 - - 31. 'OPATHISTS IN CONSULTATION, 175 - - 32. A "HYPO" PATIENT DISCHARGING HIS PHYSICIAN, 178 - - 33. TOO MUCH HAT, 179 - - 34. CONVINCING EVIDENCE OF INSOLVENCY, 181 - - 35. "AN' WHO'LL YEZE LIKE TO SEE, SURE?" 183 - - 36. A BOSTON QUACK EXAMINING A STUDENT, 189 - - 37. ORNAMENTAL TAIL-PIECE, 199 - - 38. DR. ABERNETHY IN THE HOSPITAL, 202 - - 39. AN EXTENSIVE SET, 205 - - 40. "O, DOCTHER, DEAR, I'VE PIZENED ME BOY," 207 - - 41. "LOST MARSER! LOST MARSER!" 209 - - 42. NOT A STOMACH PUMP, 213 - - 43. "LOWER TIER, LARBOARD SIDE," 217 - - 44. THE FARMER'S ESCAPE FROM THE CHOLERA, 223 - - 45. TOO MUCH VAPOR, 224 - - 46. A DRY SHOWER BATH, 225 - - 47. GRAPES AND WINE, 226 - - 48. CHARGE, INFANTRY! 239 - - 49. AFTER THE BATTLE, 240 - - 50. THE FORTUNE-TELLER'S MAGIC MIRROR, 244 - - 51. CHILDREN CONSULTING A FORTUNE-TELLER, 251 - - 52. THE HUNTRESS, 252 - - 53. THE ONONDAGA FARMER BOY, 256 - - 54. THE POLITE QUADRUPED, 265 - - 55. YOUNG ABERNETHY, 266 - - 56. "PINNY, SIR? JUST ONE PINNY," 274 - - 57. THE PENNILESS PHYSICIAN, 276 - - 58. THE INDIAN WARRIOR, 277 - - 59. BELIEVERS IN GHOSTS, 278 - - 60. "HARK! THERE'S A FEARFUL GUST!" 280 - - 61. A GRAVE SENTRY, 282 - - 62. A GHOST IN CAMP, 285 - - 63. OLD NAGLES, 286 - - 64. THE NAGLES BOYS, 287 - - 65. CHIEF MOURNERS, 288 - - 66. THE CORPSE THAT WOULD NOT SMOKE, 290 - - 67. PREPARE TO DIE, 293 - - 68. THE BISHOP'S GHOSTLY VISITOR, 295 - - 69. THE MUSICAL PUSS, 301 - - 70. A DARKEY BEWITCHED, 301 - - 71. BOYLSTON STATION, 303 - - 72. WEIGHING A WITCH BY BIBLE STANDARD, 305 - - 73. PASSING THE FORT, 306 - - 74. THE GOD OF RECIPES, 308 - - 75. SUN-SUNDAY, 310 - - 76. MOON-MONDAY, 313 - - 77. TUISCO-TUESDAY, 313 - - 78. WODEN-WEDNESDAY, 314 - - 79. THOR-THURSDAY, 315 - - 80. FRIGA-FRIDAY, 315 - - 81. SEATER-SATURDAY, 316 - - 82. GATHERING THE MANDRAKE, 321 - - 83. "WAITING TO SEE THE IMAGES BOW," 323 - - 84. SPORT FOR THE BOYS BUT DEATH TO THE CAT, 329 - - 85. "WHO-A'-YOO?" 333 - - 86. THE PROPER USE OF "HOLY WATER," 334 - - 87. THE MODEST KISS, 339 - - 88. HOLDING THE PLOW, 340 - - 89. THE TUMOR DOCTOR CONTEMPLATES SUICIDE, 343 - - 90. MARIAM, THE TUMOR DOCTOR, 345 - - 91. THE SINGING DOCTOR, 349 - - 92. THE SANATORIAN'S TURNOUT, 351 - - 93. A NEW SCHOOL OF PRACTICE, 354 - - 94. A VICTIM OF THE SPANKER, 355 - - 95. DR. PULSFEEL LEAVING TOWN, 356 - - 96. THE MUSICAL DOCTOR, 358 - - 97. ENTHUSIASM, 359 - - 98. ALL WOOL, 361 - - 99. CHARITY THROWN AWAY, 363 - - 100. THE BEGGAR BOY, 366 - - 101. REMORSE, 368 - - 102. THE LOST HEIR, 373 - - 103. A MORNING CALLER, 375 - - 104. "WHY DID I TAZE YE?" 376 - - 105. SUCCESS OF TERRY'S COURTSHIP, 379 - - 106. THE BETRAYED, 382 - - 107. SAILING INTO PORT, 385 - - 108. A SAN BENITO PIG, 388 - - 109. AN OLD ENGLISH CLERGYMAN AND HIS FAMILY, 390 - - 110. THE KING'S PHYSICIAN AND THE EXECUTIONER, 393 - - 111. A SLIPPER-Y FEE, 397 - - 112. A LIVING FEE, 399 - - 113. STUFFED PETS, 400 - - 114. A PIONEER OF HOMOEOPATHY, 403 - - 115. A SHARP MULE TRADE, 405 - - 116. ORNAMENTAL TAIL-PIECE, 409 - - 117. PHYSICIAN'S CHARITY, 411 - - 118. SEARCH FOR A PATIENT, 412 - - 119. AN ECCENTRIC PATIENT, 417 - - 120. A WOMAN'S REBUKE, 417 - - 121. AFRAID OF A POLYPUS, 418 - - 122. ABERNETHY'S SURGICAL OPERATION, 420 - - 123. RECKONING A DOCTOR'S FEES, 424 - - 124. PATIENT NUMBER FIVE, 425 - - 125. THE ASTONISHED BUTCHER, 427 - - 126. MODERN IMPROVEMENTS IN DENTISTRY, 431 - - 127. CHARITY NOT SOLICITED, 431 - - 128. CAPTURE OF A WALL STREET BULL, 433 - - 129. DEATH'S FEE, 436 - - 130. THE AMERICAN SAILOR, 437 - - 131. MY FIRST LOVE, 439 - - 132. TEN YEARS LATER, 441 - - 133. FLIGHT OF THE DOCTOR, 443 - - 134. THE LOVER AS A PEDDLER, 447 - - 135. FLIGHT OF THE LOVERS, 447 - - 136. AN AGED PUPIL, 453 - - 137. BIRTHPLACE OF GEORGE CRABBE, 457 - - 138. "POPPING THE QUESTION," 460 - - 139. LOVE'S LINKS, 460 - - 140. THE LION MAGNETIZED, 466 - - 141. A HARD SUBJECT, 467 - - 142. GASSNER HEALING "BY THE GRACE OF GOD," 471 - - 143. NO LACK OF PATIENTS, 475 - - 144. "A BOTTLE, A HEN, OR A WOMAN," 477 - - 145. EFFECTS OF AN EARTHQUAKE, 483 - - 146. A BELIEVER SEES HIS GRANDMOTHER, 483 - - 147. THE CHARMER DIVULGES HER SECRET, 488 - - 148. "I PERCEIVE YOU ARE IN LOVE," 492 - - 149. THE FARMER'S DAUGHTERS, 494 - - 150. A "HORSE-SLAYER" INDULGING HIS OPINION, 499 - - 151. NO TIME TO LOSE, 500 - - 152. BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, 503 - - 153. DR. HUNTER IN CONSULTATION, 504 - - 154. THE RUSSIAN GENERAL'S DRILL, 506 - - 155. WHAT THE ELEPHANT IS LIKE, 511 - - 156. A DOCTOR'S SOLACE, 511 - - 157. HOW A LADY PROCURED A VALUABLE PRESCRIPTION, 525 - - 158. DOSE--ONE QUART EVERY HOUR, 526 - - 159. PUMPING AN OLD LADY, 537 - - 160. A DANGEROUS PRESCRIPTION, 537 - - 161. THE FARMER'S EMBLEMS, 537 - - 162. THE DYING MESSAGE, 541 - - 163. STUCK! 547 - - 164. COMMERCE, 549 - - 165. A GOOD LIVER, 551 - - 166. A DOCTOR "KILLING THE DEVILS," 555 - - 167. PAYING FOR HIS WINE, 555 - - 168. A BAR-ROOM DOCTOR, 555 - - 169. "THE DOCTOR ON A SOW!" 565 - - 170. RESCUE OF THE DOCTOR, 565 - - 171. "ONLY IRISH BEER," 568 - - 172. CURE FOR THE AGUE, 569 - - 173. PLAYING THE REEDS, 570 - - 174. AN EMBRYO APOLLO, 572 - - 175. THE PILGRIM CHEAT, 577 - - 176. FRANKLIN'S EXPERIMENTS WITH ETHER, 585 - - 177. END OF THE WONDERFUL ONE-HOSS SHAY, 591 - - 178. "MUSIC, THE SOUL OF LIFE," 597 - - 179. THE MUSICAL MICE, 597 - - 180. FOUNTAIN, 598 - - 181. SIGNS OF CIVILIZATION, 603 - - 182. SWILL MILK (MAGNIFIED), 605 - - 183. PURE MILK (MAGNIFIED), 606 - - 184. WATERED MILK (MAGNIFIED), 606 - - 185. "WHAT'S IN THE MILK?" 606 - - 186. A CHAMPAGNE BATH, 611 - - 187. MOTHER'S MILK--PURE AND HEALTHY, 612 - - 188. MOTHER'S MILK AFTER DRINKING WHISKY, 612 - - 189. WAITING FOR ASSISTANCE, 617 - - 190. A CONFECTIONERY STORE, 619 - - 191. TARTARIC ACID FOR SUPPER, 629 - - 192. A STREET CANDY STAND, 629 - - 193. THE NEWSBOY'S MOTHER, 630 - - 194. THE IDOL OF TOBACCO USERS, 634 - - 195. PUNISHMENT OF THE TURK, 638 - - 196. SMOKERS OF FOUR GENERATIONS, 639 - - 197. "I WANT A CHAW OF TERBACKER," 641 - - 198. YOUNG SMOKERS, 642 - - 199. EXAMINATION OF THE SMOKER, 643 - - 200. PURIFYING HIS BLOOD, 644 - - 201. CLEANSING HIS BONES, 645 - - 202. THE SMOKER, 647 - - 203. THE CHEWER, 648 - - 204. SIGN OF THE TIMES, 648 - - 205. MY LAZY SMOKING FRIEND, 650 - - 206. "SHALL I ASSIST YOU TO ALIGHT?" 653 - - 207. WORK FOR TONGUES AND FINGERS, 653 - - 208. WHAT KILLED THE DOG? 657 - - 209. THE NEWSBOY, 658 - - 210. THE GREAT SURGEONS OF THE WORLD, 661 - - 211. A CALL ON THE VILLAGE DOCTOR, 663 - - 212. PHYSICIANS' COSTUME IN 1790, 664 - - 213. HOW POOR TOMMY WAS LOST, 666 - - 214. BRIDGET'S METHOD OF MENDING STOCKINGS, 667 - - 215. THE UNDERTAKERS' ARMS, 671 - - 216. DISPUTE OF THE DOCTOR AND VALET, 671 - - 217. A WIG MOUSE, 674 - - 218. THE MYSTERY EXPLAINED, 675 - - 219. MEETING OF THE DOCTOR AND THE CURATE, 679 - - 220. DOCTOR CANDEE, 679 - - 221. A GERMAN BEER GIRL, 681 - - 222. AN INDIGNANT BRIDE, 686 - - 223. THE ITCH MITE, 689 - - 224. THE BURGLAR AND STUDENT, 693 - - 225. HARVESTED, 694 - - 226. ASSISTANCE FROM A ROYAL SURGEON, 696 - - 227. PETER THE GREAT AS A SURGEON, 697 - - 228. JOB DISCHARGED BY SIR SCIPIO, 703 - - 229. "BLEED HIM," 704 - - 230. A BORROWED WATCH, 706 - - 231. JOB'S DECISION, 708 - - 232. SQUASHY'S SURGICAL OPERATION, 715 - - 233. "WILL YE TAK' A BLAST, NOO?" 720 - - 234. REPTILES FROM THE STOMACH, 722 - - 235. "IT ISN'T CATCHIN'," 724 - - 236. FUNERAL OF THE CANARY, 725 - - 237. MY FRONT STREET PATIENT, 731 - - 238. A SHOPPING PATIENT, 733 - - 239. CALL AT THE TENEMENT, 737 - - 240. THE WIDOW'S OCCUPATION, 739 - - 241. THE PHYSICIAN AND THE FATHER, 742 - - 242. THE PETER FUNK PHYSICIAN, 745 - - 243. VIRTUE, 747 - - 244. THE FREEDOM OF THE PARK, 761 - - 245. "IT COSTS NOTHING," 766 - - 246. A NATURAL POSITION, 792 - - 247. AN UNNATURAL POSITION, 792 - - 248. CORRECT POSITION, 796 - - 249. INCORRECT POSITION, 796 - - 250. HOW WASP WAISTS ARE MADE, 799 - - 251. A CONSUMPTIVE WAIST, 800 - - 252. NON-CONSUMPTIVE WAIST, 800 - - 253. A HEALTHY POSITION, 804 - - 254. POSITION OF ARTERY IN ARM, 811 - - 255. COMPRESSING AN ARTERY IN ARM, 812 - - 256. POSITION OF ARTERY IN LEG, 812 - - 257. THE DOCTOR'S QUEUE, 816 - - - - -I. - -MEDICAL HUMBUGS. - - _Marina._ ... Should I tell my history, - 'Twould seem like lies disdained in the reporting. - - _Pericles._ Pray thee, speak.--_Shakspeare._ - - ORIGIN AND APPLICATION OF "HUMBUG."--A FIFTH AVENUE HUMBUG.--JOB'S - OPINION OF DOCTORS.--EARLY PHYSICIANS.--PRIESTS AS DOCTORS.--WIZARDS - COME TO GRIEF.--A "CAPITAL" OPERATION.--A WOMAN CUT INTO TWELVE - PIECES.--ANECDOTE.--ROBIN HOOD'S LITTLE JOKE.--TIT FOR TAT.--ENGLISH - HUMBUGS.--FRENCH DITTO.--A FORTUNE ON DIRTY WATER.--AMERICAN - HUMBUGS.--A FIRST CLASS "DODGE."--A FREE RIDE.--A SHARP - INTERROGATOR.--DOCTOR PUSBELLY.--A WICKED STAGE-DRIVER'S STORY.--"OLD - PILGARLIC" TAKES A BATH.--LUDICROUS SCENE.--PROFESSOR BREWSTER. - - -Medical humbugs began to exist with the first pretenders to the science of -healing. Quacks originated at a much later period. So materially different -are the two classes, that I am compelled to treat of them separately. - -The word _humbug_ is a corruption of _Hamburg_, Germany, and seems to have -originated in London. The following episode is in illustration of both its -origin and meaning:-- - -"O, Bridget, Bridget!" exclaimed the fashionable mistress of a brown stone -front in Fifth Avenue, New York, to her surprised servant girl, "what have -you been doing at the front door?" - -"Och, murther! Nothin', ma'am." - -"Nothing!" repeated the mistress. - -"Yes'm--that is--" stammered Bridget, greatly embarrassed. - -"What were you doing at the front door but a moment since?" - -"Nothin', ma'am, but spakin' to me cousin; he's a p'leeceman, ma'am, if ye -plaze, ma'am," replied Bridget, dropping a low courtesy to the mistress. - -"No, no; I did not mean that. But haven't you been cleaning the door-knob -and the bell-pull?" - -"Yes'm," replied Bridget, changing from embarrassment to surprise. - -"Why, Bridget, didn't I tell you never to polish the front door-knobs -during the warm season? Now my friends will think that I have returned -from Saratoga--" - -"And is it to Saratogy ye've been, ma'am?" exclaimed Bridget. - -"No, you dunce; but was not the front of the house closed, and the -servants forbidden to polish the plates and glass, that my friends might -be led to believe we had all gone to the watering-place?" - -That was true humbug. Double humbuggery! for the servant girl was -humbugging her mistress by pretending to polish the door-knobs, while she -was really coqueting with a policeman; and the mistress was humbugging her -friends into the belief that the house was closed, and the family gone to -Saratoga. - -So, Hamburg, on the Elbe, being a fashionable resort of the upper-ten-dom -of London, those who would ape aristocracy, yet being unable to bear the -expense of a trip to the Continent, closed the front of their dwellings, -moved into the rear, giving out word that they had gone to _Hamburg_. - -When a house was observed so closed, with a notice on the door, the -passers by would wag their heads, and exclaim, questionably, "Ah, gone to -Hamburg!" or, "All gone to Hamburg!" "It's all Hamburg!" and so on. And, -like a thousand other words in the English language, this became -corrupted, and "humbug" followed. Hence, taking the sense from the -derivation of the word, humbug means "an imposition, under fair -pretences;" cheat; hoax; a deception without malicious intent. Webster -says it is "a low word." - -The humbugs in medicine, we assert, began to exist with the first persons -of whom we have any account in the history of the healing art. Among the -early Egyptian physicians, AEsculapius was esteemed as the most celebrated. -He was the first humbug in his line. However, nearly all the accounts we -have of him are mythological. If we are to credit the early writers, this -great healer restored so many to life, that he greatly interfered with -undertaker Pluto's occupation, who picked a quarrel with AEsculapius, and -the two referred the matter to Jupiter for adjudication. - -But we may go back of this "god of medicine." If he was physician to the -Argonauts, we must fix the date of his great exploits at about the year B. -C. 1263. It is claimed by good authority that the Book of Job dates back -to B. C. 1520, and is the oldest book extant. Herein we find Job saying, -"Ye are forgers of lies; ye are all physicians of no value." Since his -friends were trying their best to humbug him, Job certainly intimates that -physicians--some of them, at least--were looked upon as humbugs. But, -then, Job was only an Arab prince; not an Israelite, at all; nor does he -condescend to mention that "peculiar people" in his book. And besides, -what reliance can be based upon the opinion of a man respecting -physicians, whose only surgical instrument consisted of a "piece or -fragment of a broken pot"? - -Therefore, leaving the "Arab prince," we will turn for a moment to the -early Jewish physicians. Josephus does not enlighten us much respecting -them. The Old Testament makes mention of physicians in three -instances,--the last figuratively. - -The first instance--a rather amusing one--where physicians are mentioned -in the sacred writings, is in 2 Chron. xvi. 12: "And Asa, in the -thirty-ninth year of his reign, was diseased in his feet, until the -disease was exceeding great; yet in his disease he sought not to the Lord, -but to the physicians." The compiler adds, very coolly, as though a -natural consequence, "_And Asa slept with his fathers_!" This reminds us -of an anecdote by the late Dr. Waterhouse. An Irishman obtained twenty -grains of morphine, which, instead of quinine, he took at one dose, to -cure the chills. The doctor, in relating it long afterwards, added, -laconically, "He being a good Catholic, his funeral was numerously -attended." - -For generations nearly all the pretensions to healing were made by the -priests and magicians, who humbugged and "bamboozled" the ignorant and -superstitious rabble to their hearts' content. Kings and subjects were -alike believers in the Magi. Saul believed in the magic powers of the -"witch of Endor." The wicked king Nebuchadnezzar classed Daniel and his -three companions with the magicians, although Daniel (chap. xi. 10) denied -the imputation. Joseph laid claim to the power of divination; for, having -caused the silver cup to be placed in the sack of corn, and after having -sent and brought his brother back, he said (Gen. xliv. 15), "What deed is -this that ye have done? Wot ye not that such a man as I can certainly -divine?" It seemed necessary to deal with the people according to their -belief. It was useless to dispute with them. As late as the preaching of -Paul and Barnabas, the whole nations of Jews and Greeks were so tinctured -with belief in magic and enchantment in healing, taught and promulgated by -the priesthood, that when the apostles healed the cripple of Lystra, the -rabble, headed by the priests, cried out, "The gods are come down to us in -the likeness of men." And they called Barnabas Jupiter, and Paul -Mercurius. - -The town clerk in the theatre said to the excited crowd, "These men are -neither robbers of churches, nor yet blasphemers of your goddess." - -Diana was appealed to for women in childbirth; Mercurius for the healing -of cutaneous diseases (_herpes_), probably because he carried a _herpe_, -or short sword, also, at times, the caduceus; and Jupiter for various -diseases. But to return to the times of Saul and David. - -It seems that the business became overcrowded, and the vilest and most -degraded of both sexes swelled the ranks of sorcerers, astrologers, and -spiritualists, until every class and condition of people became -impregnated with these beliefs, from kings to the lowest subject. Finally, -the strong arm of the law laid hold of them, and the edict went forth that -"a witch shall not live," that "a wizard shall be put to death," and that -"the soothsayer be stoned." - -Nevertheless, the wretches continued to practise their deceptions, but -less openly for a time, and they are made mention of throughout the sacred -writings, until "the closing of the canon." - -But the Scriptures are almost totally silent on surgery, and the remedies -resorted to by those pretending to the science--as also by physicians and -priests--were such as to lead us to believe that their _materia medica_ -was very limited. Under the head of Ridiculous Prescriptions, we shall -mention these remedies:-- - -The earliest record we find of surgical operations in the Old Testament is -in Judges xix. 29,--a "capital operation," we may judge, for the account -informs us that the patient, a woman, "was divided into twelve pieces." - -Turning to the profane writers for information, we plunge into an abyss of -uncertainty, with this exception; that the practice of medicine--it could -not be called a science--was still in the hands of the priesthood, and -partook largely of the fabulous notions of the age, being connected almost -entirely with idolatries and humbuggeries. The cunning priests caused the -rabble, from first to last, to believe that all disease was inflicted, not -from the violation of the laws of nature, but by some angry and outraged -divinity, whose wrath must be appeased by bribes (_paid to the priests_), -by incantations, and absurd ceremonies, or else the afflicted victim must -die a painful death, and forever after suffer a more horrible eternity. -The priests' receiving the pay reminds us of the following little -anecdote. - -A very pious man, recently congratulating a convalescing patient upon his -recovery, asked his friend who had been his physician. - -"Dr. Blank brought me safely through," was his reply. - -"No, no," said the friend, "God brought you out of this affliction, and -healed you,--not the doctor." - -"Well," replied the man, "may be he did; but I am sure that the doctor -will charge me for it." - -The offices of priest and physician were united among the Jews, Heathens, -Greeks, Egyptians, and Romans. The Druids (from _draoi_, magician) ruled -and ruined the ancient Celts, Gauls, Britons, and Germans. The people of -these nations looked up to the priests as though life and death and -immortality hung only upon their lips. Among our aborigines we have also -examples of the double office of priest and "medicine man." And it is an -astonishing fact, that notwithstanding the ignorance of the pretenders to -healing, or the ridiculousness of the prescriptions, or the exorbitant -fees, the rabble of the age relied upon them with the most implicit -confidence. If the patient recovered, the priests--embodying the gods--had -restored them by their great skill and the favor of some particular -divinity, and so were worshipped, and again rewarded with other fees to -offer sacrifices to the individual god who was supposed to favor the -priest or wizard. If he died it was the will of the gods that it should so -be, and the friends lost none of their faith in the abilities of their -medical and spiritual advisers. - -The priests could not be disposed of so easily as the witches and wizards -were supposed to have been, for they kept the people under greater fear, -and held the balance of power in their own hands. The only difference -between the priests and wizards was, that the former _claimed_ to exercise -their arts by the power of the gods, while the latter were said to be -assisted by the evil spirits. The priests claimed this in the times of -Christ, and tried to persuade the rabble that he was assisted by -Beelzebub. While the grasping priesthood professed poverty and -self-denial, they were continually enriching themselves by robberies and -extortions upon the ignorant and superstitious common people. - -A mirth-provoking anecdote is told of Robin Hood and two friars, which we -cannot forbear relating here as illustrative of the above assertion. If -our readers regard stories from such a source as very uncertain, we have -only to reply that we are now dealing with "uncertainties." - -"One day, Robin disguised himself as a friar, and went out on the highway. -Very soon he met two priests, to whom he appealed for charity in the -blessed Virgin's name. - -"'That we would do, were it in our power,' they replied. - -"'I fear you are so addicted to falsehood, I cannot believe that you have -no money, as you say. However, let us all down on our marrow bones, and -pray the Virgin to send us some money.' - -"'No, no,' replied the priests; 'it is of no use.' - -"'What! have you no faith in your patron saint? Down, I say, and pray.' - -"In fear, down fell the two priests, and Robin by their side, and all -prayed most lustily. - -"'Now feel in your pockets,' said Robin, rising. - -"'There is nothing,' they replied, plunging their hands deep into their -cloaks. - -"'Down again, and pray harder,' shouted Robin, drawing his sword. - -"Down they fell, and mumbled over their Latin, but declared the gods had -sent them nothing. - -"'I do not believe you,' said Robin; 'you ever were a pack of liars. Let -each stand a search, that we deceive not each other.' So Robin turned his -own empty pockets wrong side out, then compelled the friars to follow -suit, when lo! out fell five hundred pieces of gold. - -"When Robin saw this glorious sight, he berated the priests soundly, and -taking the gold, went away to Sherwood, and made merry at the expense of -the church." - -About 1185 B. C. we find among the Grecians some traces of what was termed -the healing art. But fact and fable, history and mythology, are so mixed -and blended, that it is impossible to gain any reliable information so far -back. - -Chiron is made mention of as having acquired much celebrity as a -physician. It is claimed that he was learned in the arts and sciences, -that he taught astronomy to Hercules, music to Apollo, and medicine to -AEsculapius, who came from Egypt. From what can be gleaned, of reliability, -it seems that he employed simple medicines, and possessed some knowledge -of dressing wounds and reducing fractures and dislocations; but no doubt -he pretended to greater things than the times would warrant, for, when -shot by an arrow from the bow of Hercules, his former pupil, he was unable -to heal the wound, and begged Jupiter to "set him up" among the stars, -which request was complied with, and Chiron was translated to the heavens, -where he still shines in the constellation Sagittarius, represented as a -centaur, with drawn bow, driving before him the other eleven signs of the -zodiac. - -We have alluded to AEsculapius, and, passing over all others of his class, -we come to the times of Hippocrates. - -Hippocrates is rightly called the "Father of Medicine," for he was the -first to raise medicine to a science. We mention him without classing him -with humbugs; but Menecrates, who flourished about the same time, arrived -at great notoriety by ruse and deception. He was "famous for vanity and -arrogance." He went about accompanied by some patients, whom he claimed to -have cured, as proofs of his great ability. One he disguised as Apollo, -another he arrayed in the habit of AEsculapius, and sent them abroad to -sound his praise, while he took upon himself the garb, and assumed the -character, of Jupiter. - -Pliny says that medicine was the last of the sciences introduced into -Rome, and that the Septimont City was six hundred years without a regular -physician. Archagathus, a Grecian, settled in Rome about 300 B. C., and if -he was a fair sample of those who followed him, it had been better for -Rome that it had remained another six hundred years "without a regular -physician." He introduced cruel and painful escharotics, and made free use -of the knife and the lancet. He was a humbug of the first water, and a -quack besides, and as such he was banished in a few years. - -The Christian era introduced some light into the medical, as well as the -religious world; yet we learn, by both sacred and profane writers, that -truth and knowledge were the exceptions, and ignorance and humbug were the -rule by which medicine was practised by those who pretended to the art. -Names changed, characters remained the same. - -The priests still held their own, and were not, as already shown, to be -gotten rid of, as the witches and wizards, their rivals and imitators, by -litigation, nor was their power broken until the Decree of the Council of -Tours in 1163 A. D., which prohibited priests and deacons from performing -certain surgical operations. - -After the Reformation the vocations of spiritual and medical adviser -diverged wider and wider, until now a priest or minister is seldom -consulted for bodily infirmities, and only by persons of the most ignorant -and superstitious denominations. - -Setting the priesthood aside did not suppress humbugs in medicine. In fact -the profession went into disrepute, which the priests hastened, and a -lower order of people took upon themselves the practice of deceiving the -sick and afflicted. Now and then a greater humbug than common would spring -up, and for a time draw the rabble after him, till the next arose to -eclipse him. - -From the discovery of America to about 1600, ambitious upstarts, humbugs, -and seekers of fame and fortune were drawn away from the old world, and -either for this reason, or because the biographers were attracted to a -more interesting field, accounts of medical celebrities are very meagre; -but from the latter period to the present day there has been no lack of -records from which to draw our material. - -During the 17th and 18th centuries medical impostors had things all their -own way. Ignorance was no hinderance to advancement, socially or -pecuniarily. Some men published, in their own names, voluminous works, in -both English and Latin, which they themselves could not read. By soft -words and cunning arts others gained high positions, and, without -knowledge of the first branch of medical science, became "court -physicians." - -From the lowest walks, they rose up on every side: from the cobbler's -bench, and the tailor's board; from cutting up meat in the butcher's shop, -to "cutting up" naughty boys in a pedagogue's capacity; from shaving the -unwashed rabble behind the striped barber's pole, to shaving their wives -behind counters, where they measured the cloth of the weaver, they became -cobblers of poor healths, butchers of men, and shavers of the invalided -public. But these will be discoursed of under another head. - -We here offer one proof of this state of affairs by a quotation from the -original charter of the first College of Physicians, granted by Henry -VIII., which reads, "Before this period a great multitude of ignorant -persons, of which the greater part had no insight into physic, _nor into -any other kind of learning_,--some could not even read the Book,--so far -forth that common artificers, as smiths, weavers, and women boldly and -accustomedly took upon themselves great cures, to the high displeasure of -God, great infamy of the faculty, and the grievous hurt, damage, and -destruction of many of the king's liege people." - -The meetings of this august body (College of Physicians) were held at the -house of Dr. Linacre. "He was a gentleman of distinction, both as a -physician and scholar." He became disgusted with physic, and took "holy -orders" five years before his death. He was one of the original -petitioners of the charter, which complained that the above rabble of -doctors could not read the Book (Bible). Now see the ignorance--the -hypocrisy of the man! - -Dr. Caius, who wrote his epitaph, says of Linacre, "He certainly was not a -very profound theologian, for a short time before his death he read the -New Testament for the first time, when, so greatly was he astonished at -finding the rules of Christianity so widely at variance with their -practice, that he threw down the sacred volume in a passion, saying, -'Either this is not gospel, or we are not Christians.'" This was just -prior to 1600. - -This Dr. Caius is supposed to be the same character whom Shakspeare -introduced in his "_Merry Wives of Windsor_;" and as it is a fact patent -to all that the great poet had no very exalted opinion of doctors, and -would "throw physic to the dogs," it has been suggested that Caius was -produced by him on that ground. - -There are others of this and a later period, whom, though ranking amongst -the greatest of humbugs, we defer mentioning here, but will notice in our -chapter on quacks. - -Mr. Jeaffreson, in his excellent work, "Book About Doctors," to which work -I am indebted for several anecdotes, says,-- - -"The lives of three physicians--Sydenham, Sir Hans Sloane, and -Heberden--completely bridge over the uncertain period between old -empiricism and modern science." - -The former, Dr. Thomas Sydenham, was born at Windford Eagle, Dorsetshire, -England, in 1624, and was esteemed as an excellent physician and profound -scholar of his day. Nothing is known of his boyhood. For a time he was a -soldier. He was about forty years old when admitted a member of the -College of Physicians. Dr. Richard Blackmore, his contemporary, who was -but a pedagogue at the outstart himself, but afterwards knighted as Sir -Richard, says of Dr. Sydenham, "He was only a disbanded officer, who -entered upon the practice of medicine for a maintenance, without any -preparatory learning." The fact of his possessing a diploma went for -nothing, since Dr. Meyersbach obtained his about this time for a few -shillings, and without the rudiments of an education, made a splendid -living out of the credulity even of the most learned and fashionable -classes of English society, and arrived at the height of honor and -distinction. - -The reader must admit that diplomas were cheap honors, when one was -granted to a dog! A young English gentleman, for the sport of the thing, -paid the price of a medical diploma soon after Dr. Meyersbach's was -granted, and had it duly recorded in the archives of the college (Erfurth) -as having been awarded to Anglicus Ponto. - -"And who was Anglicus Ponto?" - -"None other than the gentleman's dog--a fine mastiff." - -But this question was not asked till too late to prevent the joke. It had -the good effect, however, to raise at once the price of degrees. - -Dr. Sydenham published several medical works, copies of which are now -extant, but his pretensions to skill availed him but little in time of -need. His prescriptions--some of them, at least--were very absurd, and -during his latter years, while enjoying a lucrative practice, and -possessing the utmost confidence of the _bon ton_, he suffered -excruciating pains from the gout, which, with other complications, ended -his days. "Physician, heal thyself." - -[Illustration: DR. ANGLICUS PONTO.] - -Dr. Blackmore, an aspirant to medical fame, applied to Dr. Sydenham, while -residing in Pall Mall, with the following inquiry:-- - -"What is the best course of study for a medical student?" - -"Read Don Quixote," was Sydenham's reply. "It is a very good book. I read -it yet." I find this in a biographical dictionary of 1779. While some -biographers endeavor to pass this off as a joke, it is a well-known fact -that the doctor was a sceptic in medicine, and those who knew him best -believe that he meant just what he said. - -On the arrival of Dr. Sloane in London, he waited on Dr. Sydenham, as -being the great gun of the town at that time, and presented a letter of -introduction, in which an enthusiastic friend had set forth Sloane's -qualifications in glowing language, as being perfected in anatomy, botany, -and the various branches of medicine. Sydenham finished the letter, threw -it on the table, eyed the young man very sharply, and said,-- - -"Sir, this is all very fine, on paper--very fine; but it won't do. -Anatomy! botany! Nonsense. Why, sir, I know an old woman in Covent Garden -who better understands botany; and as for anatomy, no doubt my butcher can -dissect a joint quite as well. No, no, young man; this is all stuff. You -must go to the bedside; it is only there that you can learn disease." - -In spite of this mortifying reception, however, Sydenham afterwards took -the greatest interest in Dr. Sloane, frequently taking the young man with -him in his chariot on going his rounds. - -In "Lives of English Physicians," the author, in writing of Dr. Sydenham, -says, "At the commencement of his practice, it is handed down to us, that -it was his ordinary custom, when consulted by patients for the first time, -to hear attentively their story, and then reply, "Well, I will consider -your case, and in a few days will prescribe something for you;" thereby -gaining time to look up such a case. He soon learned that this -deliberation would not do, as some forgot to return after "a few days," -and to save his fees he was obliged, _nolens volens_, to prescribe on the -spot. - -A further proof of his contemptible opinion of deriving knowledge from -books, as expressed above to Dr. Blackmore, is exemplified and -corroborated in an address to Dr. Mapletoft (1675). - -"The medical art could not be learned so well and surely as by use and -experience, and that he who would pay the nicest and most accurate -attention to the symptoms of distempers, would succeed best in finding out -the true means of cure." - -"Riding on horseback," he says, in one of his books, "will cure all -diseases except confirmed consumption." How about curing gout? - -A very amusing, though painful picture, is drawn by Dr. Winslow, a -reliable author of the seventeenth century, in his book, "Physic and -Physicians:"-- - -"Dr. Sydenham suffered extremely from the gout. One day, during the latter -part of his life, he was sitting near an open window, on the ground floor -of his residence in St. James Square, inspiring the cool breeze on a -summer's afternoon, and reflecting, with a serene countenance and great -complacency on the alleviation of human misery that his skill enabled him -to give. Whilst this divine man was enjoying this delicious reverie, and -occasionally sipping his favorite beverage from a silver tankard, in which -was immersed a sprig of rosemary, a sneak thief approached, and seeing the -helpless condition of the old doctor, stole the cup, right before his -eyes, and ran away with it. The doctor was too lame to run after him, and -before he could stir to ring and give alarm the thief was well off." - -[Illustration: MISFORTUNES NEVER COME SINGLY.] - -This reminds one of a story of an old man who stood in a highway, leaning -on his staff, and crying, in a feeble, croaking voice, "Stop thief! stop -thief!" - -"What is the matter, sir?" inquired a fellow, approaching. - -"O, a villain has stolen my hat from my head, and run away." - -"Your hat!" looking at the bare head; "why didn't you run after him?" - -"O, my dear sir, I can't run a step. I am very lame." - -"Can't run! then here goes your wig." And so saying, the fellow caught the -poor old man's wig, and scampered away at the top of his speed. - -Dr. Sydenham died December 29, 1689. He could not be termed a quack, but -certainly he was a consummate humbug. - -An author, before quoted, after copying a description of the "poor -physician" of the age, adds,-- - -"How it calls to mind the image of Dr. Oliver Goldsmith, when, with a -smattering of medical knowledge and a German diploma, he tried to pick out -of the miseries and ignorance of his fellow-creatures the means of keeping -soul and body together! He, too, poet and doctor, would have sold a pot of -rouge to a faded beauty, or a bottle of hair dye, or a nostrum warranted -to cure the bite of a mad dog." - -"Set a rogue to catch a rogue." And to this principle we are indebted for -the exposition of many fallacies and humbugs pursued by early physicians -in order to gain practice. - -"Dr. Radcliffe," says Dr. Hannes, "on his arrival in London, employed half -of the porters in town to call for him at the coffee-houses (a famous -resort of physicians of the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries) and -places of public resort, so that his name might become known." - -On the other hand, Radcliffe accused Dr. Hannes of the same trick a few -years later. Doctors were doctors' own worst enemies. Instead of standing -by each other of the same school, in lip service, or passing by each -other's errors and imperfections in silence, as they do nowadays, they -quarrelled continually, accusing each other of the very tricks they -practised themselves. - -Of Dr. Meade it was confidently asserted, that without practice at first, -he opened extensive correspondence with all the nurses and midwives in his -vicinity, associated and conversed with apothecaries and gossips, who, -hoping for his trade, would recommend him as a skilful practitioner. The -ruse worked, and soon the doctor found his calls were _bona fide_. This is -a trick that some American physicians we know of may have learned from Dr. -Meade. Certainly they know and practise the deception. - -When Dr. Hannes went to London, he opened the campaign with a coach and -four. The carriage was of the most imposing appearance, the horses were -the best bloods, sleek and high-spirited, the harnesses and caparisons of -the richest mountings of silver and gold, with the most elegant trimmings. - -"By Jove, Radcliffe!" exclaimed Meade, "Dr. Hannes' horses are the finest -I have ever seen." - -"Umph," growled Radcliffe, "then he will be able to sell them for all the -more." But Dr. Radcliffe's _prognosis_ was at fault for once; and -notwithstanding all the prejudice that Radcliffe and his friends could -bring to bear against Hannes, and the lampooning verses spread broadcast -against him, he kept his "fine horses," and rode into a flourishing -business. - -To make his name known, Dr. Hannes used to send liveried footmen running -about the streets, with directions to poke their heads into every coach -they met, and inquire anxiously, "Is Dr. Hannes here?" "Is this Dr. -Hannes' carriage?" etc. - -Acting upon these orders, one of these fellows, after looking into every -carriage from Whitehall to Royal Exchange, ran into a coffee-house, which -was one of the great places of meeting for members of the medical -profession. Several physicians were present, among whom was Radcliffe. - -"Gentlemen," said the liveried servant, hat in hand, "can your honors tell -me if Dr. Hannes is present?" - -"Who wants Dr. Hannes, fellow?" demanded Radcliffe. - -"Lord A. and Lord B., your honor," replied the man. - -"No, no, friend," responded the doctor, with pleasant irony; "those lords -don't want _your master_; 'tis he who wants them." - -The humbug exploded, but Hannes had got the start before this occurred. - -A worthy biographer begins thus, in writing of Dr. Radcliffe: "The -Jacobite partisan, the physician without learning, the luxurious _bon -vivant_, Radcliffe, who grudged the odd sixpence of his tavern score," -etc., "was born in Yorkshire, in the year 1650." - -But notwithstanding Radcliffe's plebeian birth, he died rich, therefore -respected--a fact which hides many sins and imperfections. He not only -humbugged the people of his day into the belief that he was a learned and -eminent physician, but by his shrewdness in disposing of his gains, in -bestowing wealth where it would tell in after years, when his body had -returned to the dust from whence it came,--such as giving fifty thousand -dollars to the Oxford University as a fund for the establishment of the -great "Radcliffe Library," etc.,--he succeeded in humbugging subsequent -generations into the same belief. - -Certainly there is room for a few more such humbugs. - -Dr. Barnard de Mandeville, in "Essays on Charity and Charity Schools," -says of Radcliffe, "That a man with small skill in physic, and hardly any -learning, should by vile arts get into practice, and lay up wealth, is no -mighty wonder; but that he should so deeply work himself into the good -opinion of the world as to gain the general esteem of a nation, and -establish a reputation beyond all contemporaries, with no other qualities -but a perfect knowledge of mankind, and a capacity of making the most of -it, is something extraordinary." - -Mandeville further accuses him of "an insatiable greediness after wealth, -no regard for religion, or affection for kindred, no compassion for the -poor, and hardly any humanity to his fellow-creatures; gave no proofs that -he loved his country, had a public spirit, or love of the arts, books, or -literature;" and asks, in summing up all this, "What must we judge of his -motives, the principle he acted from, when after his death we find that he -left but a mere trifle among his (poor) relatives who stood in need, and -left an immense treasure to a university that did not want it?" - -"Radcliffe was not endowed with a kindly nature," says another writer. -"Meade, I love you," he is represented as saying to his fascinating -adulator, "and I will tell you a secret to make your fortune. Use all -mankind ill." - -Radcliffe had practised what he preached. Though mean and penurious, he -could not brook meanness in others. - -The rich miser, John Tyson, approximating his end, magnanimously resolved -to pay two of his three million guineas to Dr. Radcliffe for medical -advice. The miserable old man, accompanied by his wife, came up to London, -and tottered into the doctor's office at Bloomsbury Square. - -"I wish to consult you, sir; here are two guineas." - -"You may go, sir," exclaimed Radcliffe. - -The old miser had trusted that he was unknown, and he might pass for a -poor wretch, unable to pay the five guineas expected from the wealthy, as -a single consultation fee. - -"You may go home and die, and be d----d; for the grave and the devil are -ready for Jack Tyson of Hackney, who has amassed riches out of the public -and the tears of orphans and widows." - -As the miserable old man turned away, Radcliffe exclaimed, "You'll be a -dead man in less than ten days." - -It required little medical skill, in the feeble condition of the old man, -in order to give this correct prognosis. - -Radcliffe was the Barnum of doctors. "_Omnia mutantur, et nos mutamus in -illis_," exclaimed Lotharius the First. But that "all things are changed, -and we change with them," did not apply to medical humbugs during the -seventeenth and eighteenth centuries--no, nor in the nineteenth century, -as we will show, particularly in our articles on Quacks and Patent -Medicines. - -[Illustration: THE MISER OUTWITS HIMSELF.] - -The requisites essential to success are amusingly described by a writer of -the former time, as follows:-- - -_First._ A decent black suit, and (if your credit will stretch so far), a -plush jacket, not a pin the worse if threadbare as a tailor's cloak--it -shows the more reverend antiquity. - -_Second._ You must carry a caduceus, or cane, like Mercury, capped with a -civet-box (or snuff-box like Sir Richard's), and must walk with becoming -gravity, as if in deep contemplation upon an arbitrament between life and -death. - -_Third._ You must hire convenient lodgings in a respectable neighborhood, -with a hatch[1] at the door; have your reception-room hung with pictures -of some celebrated physicians, ancient historical scenes, and anatomical -plates, and the floor belittered with gallipots and half-empty bottles. -Any sexton will furnish your window with a skull, in hope of your custom. - -_Fourth._ Let your desk never be without some old musty Greek and Arabic -authors, and on your table some work on anatomy, open at a picture page, -to amuse, if not astonish spectators, and carelessly thrown on the same a -few gilt shillings, to represent so many guineas received that morning as -fees. - -_Fifth._ Fail not to patronize neighboring alehouses, which may, in turn, -recommend you to inquirers; and hold correspondence with all the nurses -and midwives whose address you may obtain, to applaud your skill at -gossiping. - -_Sixth._ Be not over modest in airy pretensions, not forgetting that -loquaciousness and impudence are essentials to gaining a fool's -confidence. In case you are naturally backward in language, or have an -impediment of speech, you are recommended to persevere in a habit of -mysterious and profound silence before patients, rendered impressive by -grave nods and ahems. - - -EARLY FRENCH PHYSICIANS. - -From what meagre biographies we have of French doctors of the past, we are -led to believe that, as at the present time, the humbugs outnumbered the -honest medical practitioners. In the days of Clovis and the great -Charlemagne, before the power of Rome was broken, before Russia was a -nation, and when England was subject to the caprices of many masters, -there were many surgeons employed in the armies of these kings, but the -priests and wizards were the physicians to the great public. The surgeons -possessed all the knowledge there was to be attained at that distant day; -yet they made the heart, not the brain, the centre of thought, and "the -palace of the soul," knew little of anatomy, and nothing of the -circulation of the blood. - -The physicians of later periods held court positions by flattery, not by -merit. This was particularly true up to and inclusive of the reign of -"LOUIS LE GRAND." Those who attended as physicians upon the court of this -remarkable monarch of France for seventy-two years, received no stipend -whatever, except the honor of holding so exalted a position as court -physician to such a mighty ruler; and, notwithstanding the outside -practice that this elevated station necessarily brought them, but few -physicians could long bear the enormous expense attending that position. - -Louis resided at a distance from his capital. His changes of residence -were continual, and not without a design, and chiefly made for the purpose -of creating and maintaining a number of artificial distinctions. By these -he kept the court in a state of constant anxiety, expense, and -expectation. When the next proposed change was announced, he had made it -the fashion for courtiers to accompany him,--to Versailles, to St. -Germain, or Marly,--and to occupy apartments near him, and the -extravagance and magnificence in which he made it incumbent upon his -followers to appear, with the frequent prescribed changes, rendered it too -expensive a position for a man to sustain, unless possessed of a previous -ample fortune. The surgeons of the armies were paid for their services. - -Both Drs. O'Meara and Antommarchi have testified to Napoleon's scepticism -in medicine and distrust of physicians. But "surgeons are godlike," he is -represented as saying, and upon all worthy he bestowed the "Legion of -Honor." - -At St. Helena, Dr. Antommarchi was endeavoring to persuade the emperor to -take a simple remedy which he had prepared for him. - -"Bah!" exclaimed Napoleon, "I cannot; it is beyond my power to take -medicine." - -"I pray your majesty to try," entreated the doctor. - -"The aversion I have for the slightest preparation is inconceivable. I -have exposed myself to the dangers of the battle-field with indifference; -I have seen death without betraying emotion; but to take medicine, I -cannot," was his reply. - -Madame Bertrand, who was present, tried also to persuade the emperor to -take the physician's prescription. - -"How do you manage to take all those abominable pills and drugs, Madame -Bertrand, which the doctor is continually prescribing for you?" asked the -emperor. - -"O, I take them without stopping to think about it," was her reply; "and I -beg your majesty will do the same." - -Still the dying man shook his head, and appealed to General Montholon, who -gave a similar answer. - -"Do you think it will relieve me from this oppression, doctor?" he finally -asked of Dr. Antommarchi. - -"I do, my dear sire; and I entreat your majesty to drink it." - -"What is it?" asked Napoleon, eying the glass suspiciously. - -"Merely some orange water," was the reply. - -"Give it me, then;" and the emperor seized the cup and drank the contents -at one draught. - -"The emperor has no faith in medicine, and never takes any," said Las -Cases, in his memoirs. - -About the year 1723, a man sprang into notice in Paris, styling himself -Dr. Villars. He claimed relationship to the Duke Louis Hector Villars, and -the Abbe Pons is represented as saying that "Dr. Villars is superior to -the great marshal, Louis Hector. The duke kills men,--the doctor prolongs -their existence." - -Villars declared that his uncle, who had been killed at the age of one -hundred years, and who might, but for his accidental death, have lived -another half century, had confided to him the secret of his longevity. -It consisted of a medicine, which, if taken according to directions -accompanying each bottle, would prolong the life of the fortunate -possessor _ad infinitum_. - -Villars employed several assistants to stand on the corners of the -streets, and who, when a funeral was seen passing, would exclaim,-- - -"Ah! if the unfortunate deceased had but taken Dr. Villars' nostrum, he -might now be riding in his own carriage, instead of in a hearse." - -"Of course," says our authority, "the rabble believed the testimony of -such respectable and _disinterested_ appearing witnesses, and made haste -to obtain the doctor's nostrum--and instructions." And here is where the -laugh comes in. - -The patient received positive instructions to live temperately, to eat -moderately, bathe daily, to avoid all excesses, to take steady and -moderate exercise, to rise early, and, in fact, to obey all the laws of -nature. Of course those who persevered in these instructions were greatly -benefited thereby, and the dupes, attributing their recovery to the use of -the nostrum, lauded the doctor. - -The medicine, put up in a small bottle, carefully labelled, and sold for -the modest sum of five francs, consisted of water from the River Seine, -tinctured with a quantity of spirits of nitre. A few were wise enough to -see the trick, but most people believed in the efficacy of the nostrum. - -Unfortunately for Villars, he intrusted his secret to another, the humbug -leaked out, and Othello's occupation was gone; but not, however, until -Villars had amassed a large fortune from the credulity of the public. - -This brings to mind a story, the truth of which can be vouched for, -respecting a New England doctor. His labels contained the following -instructions:-- - -"The doctor charges you to take care of the health God has given you. In -eating and exercise be moderate. Avoid bad habits and excesses that sap -the life from you. Use no salt pork, newly-baked fine bread, vinegar, -coffee, strong tea, or spirits while taking this medicine. 'Tis not in the -power of man to restore you to health unless you regard these directions." - -"What do you think of this?" asked the editor of a journal of Dr. P., -former professor of H---- College, presenting a vial of the high dilution, -as the medicine was, labelled as above. - -"All very well," the doctor replied, after having read the label; "for if -the vial contains nothing but water, with just sufficient alcohol to keep -it, a strict observance of these directions might restore you to health." - -"You have treated my case for a long time, doctor, and have never given me -such instructions. Pray why don't _you_ get up something similar?" - -"Well, what was his reply?" I asked, as the editor hesitated. - -"O, he has not yet informed me." - - -AMERICAN HUMBUGS. - -Humbug is not necessarily synonymous with ignorance. So far from it, that -doubtless a very perfect and successful man in the art of humbugging must -be educated to his business. - -The following true statement is a case in point: A physician of New York, -now in excellent standing, who "rolls in riches," and whose own carriage -is drawn by a span of horses that Bonner once might have envied, was but a -few years ago as poor as a church mouse, and as unknown as Scripture. He -had graduated with honors in Transylvania University, opened an office in -a country town, where his knowledge and talents were unappreciated, and -which place he abandoned after a twelve months' patient waiting for a -practice which did not come. He had become poorer every month, and but -for the kind assistance of early friends, must have perished of want. - -"Either it is distressingly healthy here, or the good people are afraid to -trust their lives and healths in the hands of an inexperienced physician," -he remarked to a friend to whom he applied for means for a new start -elsewhere. - -"And where will you try your luck next?" inquired his friend. - -"In New York city." - -"In New York city?" - -"Yes, and I shall there succeed," he exclaimed, with great determination. - -"Well, I hope in my heart of hearts you will," was his friend's reply, as -he kindly loaned him the required sum of money. - -Had his friend asked the advice of a third party before making the loan, -doubtless the answer would have been something like the following, though -it was respecting another case:-- - -"Dr. J. wants me to loan him some money for thirty days; do you suppose he -will refund it?" - -"What! lend him money?" was the reply. "He return it? No, sir; if you lend -that man an emetic he would never _return_ it." - -On his borrowed funds,--neither principal nor interest of which his kind -friend ever expected him to be able to return,--the doctor entered the -great metropolis. He hired a house in a respectable locality, and hung out -his sign. During his long quiet days in the country village he had read a -great deal, and was "up to the tricks" of his predecessors. He had -particularly posted himself on the ways and means resorted to by some of -those physicians, of whom we have already made brief mention, for getting -into practice. - -[Illustration: COMMENCING A PRACTICE IN NEW YORK.] - -"What avails it that I know as much as other physicians who have entered -upon a practice? What does my diploma amount to if I have no patients?" -he asked himself over and again. Practice was now his want, and this is -the way he obtained it. Having read of a celebrated physician, who kept -his few patients a long time in waiting, under pretence that he was -preoccupied by the many who fortunately had preceded, our young physician -adopted that great man's tactics. For want of patients to keep in waiting, -he hired some decently dressed lackeys to apply regularly at his front -door, at specified times, and wait till the colored servant admitted them, -one at a time. Each was passed out after a half hour's supposed -consultation, and the next admitted. The neighbors and others passing, -seeing patients continually in waiting, some with a hand, a foot, face, or -other parts bound up, were led to read his sign, and soon a _bona fide_ -patient applied, who, in turn, was kept waiting a long time, -notwithstanding the young doctor's anxiety to finger a real medical fee -from his first New York patient. Others followed, the lackeys were -dismissed, and the physician's practice was established. His merit kept -what his shrewdness had obtained. - -Cannot the reader avouch for the reputed extensive rides of some country -doctor, who, without a known patient, harnessed his bare-ribbed old horse -to his crazy gig, and drove furiously about the country, returning by a -roundabout way, without having made a single professional visit, thereby -humbugging the honest country people into a belief that he had innumerable -patients in his route? - -To quite another class of humbugs belongs the subject of the following -sketch. I have had the pleasure of meeting him but twice--may I never meet -him again. The first interview was at the board of a country hotel. - -[Illustration: GRACE BEFORE MEAT.] - -I had arrived late at evening by rail, and ordered a light supper. When -the tea-bell had summoned me, I found a large, phlegmatic individual -seated opposite at the table, who possibly had arrived by the same -conveyance as myself. His person was quite repulsive. He was probably -fifty years of age, his eyes watery and restless, his thin stock of -hair--indicating a corresponding poverty of brain--black, streaked by -gray, was stuck back professionally (!) over a low bump of veneration, and -high organs of firmness and self-esteem, which, with a Roman nose, large, -protruding under jaw, and wide, open mouth, gave him a striking -appearance, at least. But what was most observable was his thin, uneven, -scraggy whiskers, uncombed, and besmeared by tobacco juice and bits of the -weed, drooling down over their uncertain length, over waistcoat, and so -out of sight below the table. His coat sleeves had evidently been -substituted for a handkerchief when too great a surplus of tobacco juice -obstructed his face. He bent his great, watery eyes over towards me, and -opened the ball by suggesting that I ask a blessing over the food so -bountifully and temptingly laid before us. Having too much compassion on -the present exhausted state of my stomach to disregard its immediate -demands, and too little confidence in the veneration of my _vis-a-vis_ to -return the request, I went to eating, while he closed one eye, keeping the -other on a plate of hot steak just placed before him by the table girl. I -have since been strongly reminded of him by the character "Bishopriggs," -in Wilkie Collins's book, "_Man and Wife_." I think, however, for -hypocrisy, the present subject exceeded Bishopriggs. Having wagged his -enormous jaw a few times, by way of grace, he began eating and conversing -alternately. - -"I take it, friend, you're a railroad conductor, coming in so late," he -suggested, between mouthfuls. - -"No," was my brief reply. - -"Perhaps, cap'n, you're a drummer. Sell dry or wet goods?" - -"No." - -"A newspaper man?" - -I merely shook my head. - -"Then a patent medicine vender?" - -"No!" emphatically. - -"Not a minister," he asserted. "Perhaps a doctor," he perseveringly -continued. - -"Yes, sir; I am a physician." - -"O! ah! indeed! I am rejoiced to learn it. Give me your hand, sir," he -exclaimed, rising and reaching his enormous palm across the table. "I am -rejoiced, as I said before, to meet a brother." - -"A _brother_!" I repeated, with unfeigned surprise and disgust. - -"Yes, a brother! I, too, am a doctor. I have the honor," etc., for the -next ten minutes, while I hastened to finish my supper. - -His last interrogation was what a college boy would call a "stunner." - -"_Do you think, sir, that the Fillopian ducks are the same in a male as -they are in a female?_" - -[Dr. S., a quack living in Winsted, Conn., once said to an educated -physician, that he sometimes found difficulty in introducing a female -catheter on account of the "prostrate" (meaning _prostate_) gland,--which -exists only in the male!] - -I saw him once after the above interesting interview. He entered the drug -house of Rust, Bird, & Brother, Boston, just as I was about to go out. I -could not refrain from turning my attention towards him, as I recognized -his stentorian voice. - -"Have you got any _Bonyset arbs_?" was all I waited to hear. I -subsequently learned that he was known in Vermont and part of New York -State by the _sobriquet_ of "Dr. Pusbelly." - -The following story respecting "Dr. Pusbelly," related in my hearing by a -stage-driver, is in perfect keeping with the character of the man, as he -impressed me in my first interview at the country hotel. - - -DR. PUSBELLY. - -One sunny day in autumn I had occasion to take a long journey "away down -in Maine," when and where there was no railroad. I was seated on the -outside of a four-horse stage-coach, with three or four other passengers, -one of whom was a lady, who preferred riding in that elevated station to -being cramped up inside the coach with eight persons, besides sundry -babies, a poodle dog, and a parrot. - -"Sam," our driver, was a sociable fellow, full of pleasant stories,--and -Medford rum, though he was considered a perfectly safe Jehu. The greatest -drawback to his otherwise agreeable yarns was his habit of swearing. -Notwithstanding the presence of the lady, he would occasionally round his -periods and emphasize his sentences with an expletive which had better -have been omitted. - -"Can't you tell a story just as well without swearing, Sam?" I inquired. - -"O, no; it comes second natur. Why, cap'n, everybody swears sometimes. And -that reminds me--Git up, Jerry" (to the horse). "There was an old doctor, -Pill--Pilgarlic, I called him, on account of his pills, and the strong -effluvia from his cataract mouth. He was up round Champlain, where I drove -before the d--d railroads ruined the great stage business. Well, he was as -religious as a cuss,--that ain't swearin', is it, cap'n? Well, he came -round there pill-peddling, you see, and in order to make the old women -believe in his (expletive) medicines--" - -"Don't swear, Sam. You can tell the story better without. Come, try," -interrupted a passenger, with a twinkle of fun in his expressive eyes. - -"Who's telling this story,--you or me?" exclaimed Sam, with a wink. - -"Yes, he talked pills by Bible doctrine, swore his essences by the blood -of the Lamb, the ---- old hypocrite. I knowed he was a blamed old -hypocrite, for I had to drive him round every onct in a while, and he -never failed, in season and out of place, to exhort me to seek salvation, -and a new heart, and pure understanding, while, all the time, the filthy -tobacco juice slobbered all over his filthier mug, and down his scattering -whiskers;--now and then one, like the scattering trees in yonder -field,--all over his vest; and his coat sleeves were as bad, from frequent -drawing across his face. Yes, he said, 'Jesus,' but he meant pills. He -said, 'Get wine and milk, without money and without price,' but he meant, -buy his essences, _with_ money. The old gals went crazy over him, and the -pill market was lively. The louder he prayed and exhorted, the faster he -sold his medicines. - -"One Sunday afternoon he wanted me to shy him over the lake; so, taking -his Hem-book and Bible in his coat pockets, and his two tin trunks of -medicine, he followed me to the shore. He seated his great carcass in the -starn of the boat, while I rowed him over the lake. All the way he -slobbered tobacco juice; and gabbled his religion at me, while -occasionally I swore mine back at him. - -"When we got over, I jumped out, and told him to set steady till I hauled -the boat up further; but he didn't mind, and rose up in the starn with his -kit, a tin trunk in each hand, just as I gave the craft a yerk, when over -backwards he went kerflounce into the water,--carcass, trunks, Bible, -pills, and essences, all into the lake. O, the d----! You ought to have -seen him. Up he came, puffin' and blowin' like a big whale! Then I fished -him out with the boat-hook, and went for his trunks. No sooner had he -reached _terror firmer_ than, blowin' the surplus water and tobacco out of -his throat, _he commenced swearin' at me_. Religion went by the board! O, -Jerusalem! Such a blessing as he gave me I never before heard. I knowed it -was pent up in him, the ---- old sinner, and he only wanted the occasion -to let it out. The bath done it! It was the cussidest baptism I ever -witnessed in the hull course of my life." - -"Was he called Dr. Pusbelly?" I suggested, at the close of the narrative. - -"Yes, that was his name; but I called him Old Pilgarlic, blame him." - - -"PROFESSOR BREWSTER." - -When I lived in Hartford, Conn., some years ago, there resided in that -city a black man, then somewhat noted as a "seer" among various classes of -whites, as well as blacks, and who resides there still, and has since -become quite famous. In what category to place this man,--Professor -Brewster, so called,--it is perhaps a little difficult to determine; -whether among "clairvoyants," "animal magnetizers," "natural doctors," -"fortune-tellers," or what, or all, it must be admitted that he is a -"character," and wields great influence among certain classes. Nature made -him a superior man of his race, and what thorough, early education -might have done for him, we are left to conjecture. So noted is -Professor Brewster, that I have thought him a proper subject for comment -here, as a living illustration of what a man of subtle genius may -accomplish, though wholly without "book learning," or other approved -instruction, in the field of medicine. - -[Illustration: OLD PILGARLIC TAKES A BATH.] - -A reliable friend of mine has gathered the following facts and statements -in regard to Professor Brewster, and taken pains to secure the -accompanying engraving of the veritable professor, as he appears in the -year 1872. - -[Illustration: PROFESSOR BREWSTER.] - -"The full name of this remarkable man, now residing in Hartford, Conn., is -Worthington Hooker Erasmus Brewster, commonly called, by those who venture -on familiarity, 'Worthy' Brewster, for short. Worthy is of full medium -height, powerfully built, and well knitted together. His head is very well -moulded, and also extremely large, but not disproportionally large for his -massive shoulders. He was born of 'poor but honest' (though undoubtedly -black) parents, in the town of Granby, Conn., on the 21st day of January, -1812. - -"The boy Worthy, at the age of six years, went with his mother (his father -having died) and her new husband to the hills of Litchfield County to -live, and was there brought up to youth's estate, enjoying the -opportunities of education at the district school in what is now _West_ -Winsted. The places of the birth and early rearing of Professor Brewster -are fixed beyond question, which fact will, it is hoped, forbid the -contention of other towns, and of 'seven cities,' or more, over the -question, after he shall have passed away. Worthy was not attracted to -literature and science, however. He seemed to spurn these, as unworthy of -his natural gifts to waste their time upon. But he learned to read, and -can write a 'fair hand.' Seeing no special need of being cramped and -confined by the narrow rules of spelling, Worthy has invented a style of -orthography for himself, and writes a compact, forcible, and even masterly -letter. - -"But we must not linger on the details of his youth. Suffice it that -Worthy grew up a powerful lad, and became the conquering athlete of all -the region about his home. No man, of hundreds who tried, was able to -successfully wrestle with him. The strongest men were no match for him. He -was as agile as he was powerful, and to this day retains great elasticity -of foot and limb. He was a mysterious fellow also, and, before he was -sixteen years old, was regarded by his friends and acquaintances, of -African descent, especially, as a sort of prophet, while many whites -considered him a necromancer, and people all about declared he 'had the -devil in him' to no ordinary extent. Worthy claimed, in those days, to -'see visions,' and many stories are current among his contemporaries -regarding his then being able to 'charm snakes,' and do other miraculous -things. Abundant witnesses, such as they are, can now be found ready to -take their oaths that they have seen Worthy, 'with their own eyes,' -perform his miracles. It is certain that these believe in him. - -"At the age of twenty Worthy went to New York city, where (in Lawrence -Street) he lived for the period of a year, successfully practising the art -of fortune-telling. While there Worthy first discovered his powers as a -'mesmerizer,' or magnetic physician. A school-girl, knowing that Worthy -'practised the healing art' somewhat, and suffering intensely with a -toothache, jeeringly asked him, 'Why can't you think of something to cure -my toothache?' Whereupon Worthy clapped his hands to her head, and -vigorously drew them down her cheeks, half in fun, half seriously, when, -to his astonishment, he found that all his (sound) teeth ached terribly, -while she declared that the pain had left hers. Such is his story; and it -is by no means an improbable one; for animal magnetism is a fixed fact -(however it may be analyzed or defined), and diseases are often -'magnetically' alleviated; and Worthy, with his powerful body and superb -health, as well as native force of intellect, may be as naturally gifted, -as a magnetic operator, as even Mesmer himself. Indeed, the writer is -inclined to believe that Worthy's great power over many people is largely -due to his superior vital forces. - -"Worthy now turned his attention considerably to diseases, but returned to -Litchfield County for a while. At the age of twenty-six, he resolved 'to -see more of the world,' and in the capacity of steward embarked at New -Haven on board the brig Marshal, Captain Brison, freighted with horses, -and bound for a long trading voyage to the Island of Demarara, and to -South America, where they coasted during the winters, and took in coffee, -etc., in exchange for their cargo. Worthy was gone from home on this -voyage two years and two months, during which time he learned many -mysteries. He was a foreign traveller now, and his polite and -professional education may be said to have at that time become -'finished.' - -"Since then Worthy has practised medicine to considerable extent, told -fortunes, 'looked' (in a crystal) for stolen property, and, if we are to -believe half of what is attested by many astute people (such as police -detectives, etc.), has, by force of his great sagacity, or in some way (he -would say, through clairvoyance), managed to achieve great success in -ferreting out lost or stolen treasures, and bringing thieves to grief. - -"People of all classes in society visit him with their troubles of mind -and body. But the major part of his clientage is females. The wives and -accomplished daughters of wealthy men, as well as poor and ignorant women, -come from distant parts of the country to consult him, and a great number -of the first ladies of Hartford also consult him. Worthy carries on the -business of a 'chair-seater,' partly to occupy his time during the -intervals of his divinations, and partly to provide an excuse for cautious -persons to call on him for consultations. Those who consult him do so -mostly regarding secret matters, and they pretend to visit him to engage -him to seat chairs! - -"He is consulted in respect to all sorts of diseases, and by unsuccessful, -perplexed, or doubting lovers; by husbands whose wives have absconded, and -who are anxious to call them back; by wives in regard to their wandering -husbands; by hosts of superstitious people (and these are found in all -classes), who believe themselves 'possessed by devils,' or demons. He is -expected to cast out the devils (and he does so as surely as most doctors -cure imaginary diseases). People who have lost property, and officers of -the law in search of stolen goods, consult him; and bachelors and widowers -in want of wives, and countless maids (both old and young), anxious to get -married, visit him and receive his sweet consolations, or mourn over the -ill luck which he prognosticates for them. His correspondence is large. A -hasty glance through several hundred letters in 'Professor Brewster's' -possession convinced the writer that the amount and character of the -superstition and ignorance which exist in these days, in our very midst, -are probably but little conjectured by the more cultivated classes. They -are indeed astounding, but are not confined, as we have before intimated, -to the wholly illiterate classes. People competent to write letters with -grammatical precision, and observing what would ordinarily be called an -'excellent business style,' at least, in their composition, consult the -professor; and so successful is Worthy in his diagnoses of and -prescriptions for various diseases, that many of his patients write him -letters overflowing with gratitude, while others voluntarily and -admiringly attest his skill as a 'seer.' To what talent, 'gift,' or what -secret of good luck, 'Professor Brewster' owes the many successes he wins -(even though he may fail ten times more often than he succeeds), we -cannot, of course, decide. But certain it is that he, with all his claims -to a knowledge of the 'occult,' exists, practises his arts, and through a -period of years has retained his old patients, and the postulants before -his supposed demigodship, while adding constantly to their number. In this -he is a remarkable man. He has accumulated quite a respectable property, -and is decidedly one of the 'institutions' of the enlightened and -cultivated city of Hartford. - -"It should be remarked here that Worthy was, during the late civil war, a -true patriot. He was attached to the twenty-ninth regiment Connecticut -Volunteers, under Colonel Wooster (a 'colored' regiment), and was 'gone to -the war' over two years. His powers as a 'clairvoyant,' or 'fore-seer,' -served him in the war, and he 'always knew what was coming,' he says. As a -part of the curious history of the war, serving to show how little the -people of the North understood, in the first years of the contest, that -they were fighting for a great humanitary end,--the abolition of chattel -slavery,--it may be noted here, that Worthy wrote to Governor Buckingham, -in August, 1862, proposing to raise a black regiment, and the governor, by -his secretary, replied to Worthy's proposition, that he then did 'not deem -it expedient,'--which fact institutes a comparison between the judgments -of the governor and Worthy, not uncomplimentary to the latter." - -[Illustration] - - - - -II. - -APOTHECARIES. - - FIRST MENTION OF.--A POOR SPECIMEN.--ELIZABETHAN.--KING JAMES I. - [VI.].--ALLSPICE AND ALOES, SUGAR AND TARTAR EMETIC.--WAR.--PHYSICIAN - VS. APOTHECARY.--IGNORANCE.--STEALING A TRADE.--A LAUGHABLE - PRESCRIPTION.--"CASTER ILE."--MODERN DRUG SWALLOWING.--MISTAKES.-- - "STEALS THE TOOLS ALSO."--SUBSTITUTES.--"A QUID."--A "SMELL" OF PATENT - MEDICINES.--"A SAMPLE CLERK." - - -There are few occupations wherein Old Time has wrought so few changes as -in that of the apothecary's. What it was four hundred years ago it is -to-day! Who first invented its weights, measures, and symbols, I am unable -to say; but it is a fact that they remain the same as when first made -mention of by the earliest writers on the subject. - -Drop into the "corner drug store,"--and what corner has none!--examine the -balances, the tables of weights and measures, the graduating glass, the -signs for grains, scruples, ounces, and pounds, and you will find them the -same as those used by the earliest known _medical_ apothecaries, by those -of the Elizabethan period, or when King Lear (Lyr) said, "Give me an ounce -of civet, good apothecary, to sweeten my imagination; there's money for -thee." - -The money has changed; _names_ of drugs are somewhat altered; some new -ones have taken the place of old ones; prescriptions changed in quality; -but quantities, and modes of expressing them, are unchanged. - -"In the middle ages an apothecary was the keeper of any shop or warehouse, -and an officer appointed to take charge of a magazine."--_Webster._ - -We have good grounds for supposing this to have been the case in the time -of the rebuilding of the wall of Jerusalem, more that two thousand years -ago. Nehemiah informs us that the son of an apothecary assisted in -"fortifying Jerusalem unto the broad wall." Was not this the office of an -overseer, or "keeper of a magazine"? Various artisans were employed to -perform certain portions of the work, and who more appropriate or better -qualified to oversee the rebuilding of the fortifications than "an officer -appointed to take charge of the magazines"? - -One more reference we draw from Scripture,[2] viz., in Exodus xxxvii. 29, -where "the holy anointing oil" (not for medicine, but for the tabernacle), -"and the pure incense of sweet spices" (not medical), "were made according -to the work [book?] of the apothecary." This, however, no more implies -that the said "apothecary" was a medical man, a dispenser of physic, or -versed in medical lore, than that the maker of shewbread (Lev. xxiv. 5) -was necessarily a pharmacist. - -In fact, there seems to have been no need of an apothecary, as medicine -dispenser, until about the latter part of the thirteenth century. - -The oldest known work on compounding medicines was written by Nicolaus -Mynepsus, who died in the commencement of the fourteenth century. - -The first apothecaries were merely growers and dispensers of herbs, and -were but a poor and beggarly set. - -Shakspeare's delineation of the "_poor apothecary of Mantua_," in Romeo -and Juliet, so completely answers the description of the whole "kit" of -druggists of the times, that we may be pardoned in quoting him. - -Romeo says,-- - - "I do remember an apothecary,-- - And hereabouts he dwells,--whom late I noted - In tattered weeds, with overwhelming brows, - Culling of simples (herbs). Meagre were his looks; - Sharp misery had worn him to the bones; - And in his needy shop a tortoise hung, - An alligator stuffed, and other skins - Of ill-shaped fishes; and about his shelves - A beggarly account of empty boxes, - Green earthen pots, bladders, and musty seeds; - Remnants of packthread, and old cakes of roses, - Were thinly scattered to make up a show. - Noting this penury, to myself I said,-- - 'An' if a man did need a poison now, - Whose sale is present death in Mantua, - Here lives a caitiff wretch would sell it him.' - - * * * * * - - What, ho! apothecary! - _Apothecary._ Who calls so loud? - _Romeo._ Come hither, man! I see that thou art poor. - Hold! There is forty ducats! [$80.] Let me have - A dram of poison. - _Apoth._ Such mortal drugs I have, but Mantua's law - Is death to any he that utters them. - _Rom._ Art thou so bare, and full of wretchedness, - And fear'st to die? Famine is on thy cheeks; - Need and oppression starveth in thy eyes; - Upon thy back hangs ragged misery; - The world is not thy friend, nor the world's law; - The world affords no law to make thee rich; - Then be not poor, but break it, and take this. - _Apoth._ My poverty, but not my will, consents." - -When we behold the opulent druggists of the present day, we can hardly -credit the fact that for nearly two hundred years the apothecary of Mantua -was a fair specimen of the wretches who represented that now important -branch of business. - -The physician was the master, the apothecary the slave! - -The following were among the rules prescribed by Dr. Bullyn for the -"apothecary's life and conduct" during the Elizabethan era:-- - - "1. He must serve God, be clenly, pity the poore. - - 2. Must not be suborned for money to hurt mankind. - - 4. His garden must be at hand, with plenty of herbes, seedes, and - rootes. - - 5. To sow, set, plant, gather, preserve, and keepe them in due time. - - 6. To read Dioscorides, to learn ye nature of plants and herbes. - (Dioscorides published a work on vegetable remedies about 1499, in - Greek. The _translation_ was referred to.) - - 8. To have his morters, stilles, pottes, filters, glasses, and boxes - cleane and sweete. - - 12. That he neither increase nor diminish the physician's bill - (prescription), nor keepe it for his own use. - - 14. That he peruse often his wares, that they corrupt not. - - 15. That he put not in _quid pro quo_ (i. e., substitute one drug for - another.) (Would not this be excellent advice to some of the - apothecaries of the present day?) - - 16. That he meddle only in his vocation. - - 18. That he delight to reade Nicolaus Mynepsus, and a few other - ancient authors. - - 19. That he remember his office is only ye physician's _cooke_. - - 20. That he use true waights and measures. - - 21. That he be not covetous or crafty, seeking his own lucre before - other men's help and comfort." - -We may see the wisdom evinced by the author of the above advice, -especially in articles Nos. 2, 12, and 21, when we know of a druggist's -clerk of modern times, who, having stolen the physician's prescriptions -intrusted to his care, started out on borrowed capital, and, putting them -up as his own wonderful discoveries, advertised them extensively, until -his remedies, for all diseases which flesh is heir to, are now sold -throughout the entire universe! - -As the doctors were accustomed to retain their most valuable recipes, and -put up the medicines themselves, selling them as nostrums, and because of -the heavy percentage demanded by them for those intrusted to the -apothecaries, and the small profit accruing from the sale of medicines at -the time, the poor wretched "cookes" were necessarily kept in extreme -poverty. So, in order to eke out a living, the apothecaries were also -grocers and small tradesmen. As at the present day, they were not required -to possess any knowledge of medical science beyond the reading of a few -books "relating to the nature of plants," hence very little honor or -profit could accrue from the business alone. - -Grocers kept a small stock of drugs, sometimes in a corner by themselves, -but not unusually thrown about and jumbled amongst the articles kept for -culinary and other purposes. As mineral medicines became more generally -used, these were also added to the little stock, and not unfrequently was -some poisonous substance dealt out by a green clerk (as is often the case -nowadays) to the little errand girl, sent in haste for some culinary -article. - -Allspice and aloes, sugar and tartar emetic, lemon essence and laudanum, -were thrown promiscuously together into drawers, or upon the most -convenient shelves, and you need not go far into the country to witness -the same lamentable spectacle in the enlightened nineteenth century. The -apothecary gave the most attention, as now, to the exposition and sale of -those articles which sold the most readily, and returned the greatest -profit. All druggists at present sell cigars and tobacco, at the same time -not unusually posting up a conspicuous sign-- - - NO SMOKING ALLOWED HERE. - -The following is a case in point:-- - -_Druggist._ Smoking not allowed here, sir. - -_Customer._ Why! I just bought this cigar from you. - -_Druggist._ Well, we also sell emetics and cathartics. That does not -license customers to sit down and enjoy them on the premises. - -In the thirteenth year of the reign of James I. of England (and James VI. -of Scotland) the apothecaries and grocers were disunited. The charter, -however, placed the former under the control of the College of Physicians, -who were endowed with the arbitrary powers of inspecting their shops and -wares, and inflicting punishments for alleged neglects, deficiencies, and -malpractices. - -The physicians knew so little, that the apothecaries soon were enabled to -cope with them; "and before a generation had passed away the apothecaries -had gained so much, socially and pecuniarily, that the more prosperous of -them could afford to laugh in the face of the faculty, and by the -commencement of the next century they were fawned upon by the younger -physicians, and were in a position to quarrel with the old, which they -soon improved." - -As it was a common occurrence for patients to apply at the apothecary's -for a physician, the former either recommended the applicant to one who -favored him, _or else prescribed for the patient himself_. The -promulgation of this fact was the declaration of war with the old -physicians, who heretofore had done their best to keep down the -apothecaries. The former threatened punishment, as provided by law; the -latter retaliated, by refusing to call them in to consult on difficult -cases. "Starving graduates of Oxford and Cambridge, with the certificate -of the college in their pockets, were imbittered by having to trudge along -on foot and see the mean 'medicine mixers,' who had scarce scholarship -enough to construe a prescription, dashing by in their carriages." - -The war progressed,--Physician _vs._ Apothecary,--and the rabble joined. -Education sided with the physicians, interest sided with the -apothecaries. - - "So modern 'pothecaries taught the art, - By doctors' bills, to play the doctors' part; - Bold in the practice of mistaken rules, - Prescribe, apply, and call their masters fools." - -To circumvent the apothecaries, a dispensary was established in the -College of Physicians, where prescriptions were dispensed at cost. While -this proceeding served to lessen the apothecary's income for a time, it -could not greatly benefit the prescribing physician. The former might -parallel his case with Iago, and say of the physician, he - - "Robs me of that which not enriches him, - And makes me poor indeed." - -Physicians were divided into two classes,--Dispensarians and -Anti-dispensarians. Charges of ignorance, extortion, and of double-dealing -were preferred on both sides. The dispensary doctors charged their -opponents with playing into the hands of the apothecaries by prescribing -enormous doses, often changing their prescriptions uselessly to increase -the druggists' revenues and _their own percentage_! On the other hand, the -dispensarians were accused of charging a double profit on prescriptions -whenever the ignorance of the patient, respecting the value of drugs, -would admit of the extortion. - -Had the physicians been united, the apothecaries would have had to -succumb; but a divided house must fall, and the apothecaries won the day. - -A London apothecary, having been prosecuted by the college for prescribing -for a patient without a regular physician's advice, carried the case up to -the House of Lords, where he obtained a verdict in his favor; and another -apothecary, Mr. Goodwin, whose goods had been seized by some dispensary -doctors, having obtained a large sum for damages, which being considered -test cases, the doctors from this time (about 1725) discontinued the -exercise of their authority over the apothecaries. - -Thus emancipated from the supervision of the physicians, the apothecaries -began to feel their own importance, and most of them prescribed boldly for -patients, without consulting a doctor. The ignorance of many of them was -only equalled by their impudence. It is not unusual, at the present day, -for not only apothecaries, but their most ignorant clerks, to prescribe -for persons, strangers perhaps, who call to inquire for a physician; and -cases, too, where the utmost skill and experience are required. - -The following amusing anecdote is sufficiently in accordance with facts -within our own knowledge to be true, notwithstanding its _seeming_ -improbability:-- - - -ANECDOTE OF MACREADY, THE ACTOR. - -The handwriting of Macready, the actor, was curiously illegible, and -especially when writing a pass to the theatre. One day, at New Orleans, -Mr. Brougham obtained one of these orders for a friend. On handing it to -the latter gentleman, he asked,-- - -"What is this, Brougham?" - -"A pass to see Macready." - -"Why, I thought it was a physician's prescription, which it most -resembles." - -"So it does," acquiesced Mr. Brougham, again looking over the queer -hieroglyphics. "Let us go to an apothecary's and have it made up." - -Turning to the nearest druggist's, the paper was given to the clerk, who -gave it a careless glance, and proceeded to get a vial ready. - -With a second look at the paper, down came a tincture bottle, and the vial -was half filled. Then there was a pause. - -Brougham and his friend pretended not to notice the proceedings. The clerk -was evidently puzzled, and finally broke down, and rang for the -proprietor, an elderly and pompous looking individual, who issued from the -inner sanctum. The clerk presented the paper, the old dispenser adjusted -his eye-glasses, examined the document for a few seconds, and then, with a -depreciating expression,--a compound of pity and contempt for the -ignorance of the subordinate,--he proceeded to fill the vial with some -apocryphal fluid, and, giving it a professional "shake up," duly corked -and labelled it. - -[Illustration: THE "FREE PASS" PRESCRIPTION.] - -"A cough mixture, gentlemen," he said, with a bland smile, as he handed it -to the gentleman in waiting, "and a very excellent one, too. Fifty cents, -if you please." - -In a copy of the London Lancet, 1844, is reported Dr. Graham's bill. In -the same number of which is a reply by an apothecary, who asks if "the old -and respectable class of apothecaries are to be forever abolished;" and -he quotes the assertion from one of the articles in the bill: "Is it not a -notorious fact that the masses of chemists and druggists know nothing of -the business in which they are engaged?" Dr. Graham certainly ought to -have known. - -Druggists are liable to make mistakes,--as are all men; but carelesness -and ignorance, one or both, are usually to be found at the bottom of the -fatalities so common in the dispensing of prescriptions. I know an old and -experienced druggist who sold a pot of extract belladonna for extract -dandelion. In the same city, on the same street, I know another who was -prosecuted for dispensing opium for taraxicum, which carelesness caused -the death of two children. The following mistake was less fatal, but only -think of the poor lady's feelings! - -A servant girl was sent to a certain drug store we know of, who, in a -"rich brogue," which might have caused General Scott's eyes to water with -satisfaction, and his ears to lop like Bottom's after his transformation -by the mischievous fairy, she asked for some "caster ile," which she -wished effectually disguised. - -"Do you like soda water?" asked the druggist. - -"O, yis, thank ye, sir," was the prompt reply; "an' limmun, sir, if ye -plaze; long life to yeze." - -The man then proceeded to draw a glass, strongly flavored with lemon, with -a dose of oil cast upon its troubled waters. - -"Drink it at one swallow," said he, presenting it to the smiling Bridget. -This she did, again thanking the gentlemanly clerk. - -"What are you waiting for?" he inquired, seeing that she still lingered. - -"I'm waitin' for the caster ile, sir," said the girl. - -"O! Why you have just taken it," replied the soda-drug man. - -"Och! Murther! It was for a sick man I wanted it, an' not meself at all." - -[Illustration: THE WRONG PATIENT.] - -While there have been great changes in the drug trade during the last -fifty years, necessary to the increasing demand for drugs, the -establishment of wholesale houses and some specialties, and in cities, the -substitution of cigars, soda water, patent medicines, etc., for groceries -and provisions, the dispensing apothecary is nearer to what he was -hundreds of years ago, as we asserted at the commencement of this chapter, -than any other professional we know of. The paraphernalia of the shop is -nearly the same. There is no improvement in pot, in jar, in tables, in -spatula; the old, ungainly mortar is not _substituted_ by a mill; the -signs of ounces and drachms remain the same, though so near alike that -they are easily and often mistaken one for the other, and the prescription -before the dispenser is prefixed by a relic of the astrological symbol of -Jupiter,--"the god of medicine to the ancient Greeks and Egyptians,"--as a -species of superstitious invocation. In our largest cities even, in the -shop windows, the mammoth flashing blue bottles, "a relic of empiric -charlatanry," still brighten our street corners, and frighten our horses -at night, as in the days of our forefathers. - -We intimated that "patent medicines" had added greatly to the trade. This -we shall treat of under its proper head. Many have arisen from penury to -affluence, from obscurity to renown, in the drug trade of later years; but -take away the tobacco trade, the soda fountain, and the outside patent -nostrums, and wherein would the apothecary now differ from his -predecessors? - -"The Yankees bate the divil for swallowing drugs," said an Irishman. - -"A paddy will take nothing but castor oil," replied the Yankee. - -Yankee or Irish, English or Scotch, French or German, they all rush to the -drug store for pills, for powder, for whiskey (?), for tobacco, for patent -medicines, and the druggists flourish. - -From the window near which I write this, I overlook a wholesale drug store -on a "retail street." The front windows contain only _patent medicines_, -and the flashy signs that announce their virtues. Few prescriptions are -dispensed within. Before the door, piled nearly a story high, I have just -counted ninety-eight boxes, and some barrels. There are hundreds of these -drug houses scattered over this city; and every other city of America has -its quota. - -Yes, the Irishman had the right of it; "the Yankees _do_ bate the divil -for swallowing drugs." Further, it is my positive opinion that his -infernal majesty beats a good many of them by the encouragement of their -purchase; and, kind reader, if you have the ghost of a doubt of the truth -of our intimation, don't, I pray, promulgate it, but, like a wise judge, -withhold your decision until the evidence is in; until you hear our -exposition of "patent medicines." - -A patient comes to the city for the purpose of consulting some experienced -physician for a certain complaint. Probably he gets a prescription, with -instructions to go to a certain respectable druggist or apothecary in town -to have the necessary medicines put up. Of course a respectable physician -knows of a reliable apothecary. The patient, in nine cases out of ten, -desires to retain the prescription, and often does so. He goes to another -drug store, more convenient, for a second quantity of the same; and now -let me ask the patient,--no matter who or where he is,--did you ever get -the same kind of medicine, in _look_, color, quantity, and -taste,--all,--the second time, from the same prescription? I have often -heard the patient complain that he could not get the same put up at the -very store where he got the original prescription compounded. - -I once was called to visit a lady who was laboring under great -prostration; "sickness at the stomach," with constipation. - -"What is the disease?" inquired the anxious husband, who had previously -employed two regular physicians for the case, and discharged them both. - -"Nux vomica," was the reply. - -I gathered up three of the vials on the table, and, taking them to the -designated apothecary's, I demanded the prescriptions corresponding with -the numbers on the vials. These were duplicates. - -He had made a mistake! that's all. He had compounded an ounce of tincture -of nux instead of a drachm! Not that a drachm could be taken at a dose -with impunity; but whatever the dose was, the patient was continually -taking eight times as much as the physician intended to prescribe. - -Another reason of the failure of the prescribing physician meeting the -expectation anticipated, is the use of old and inert medicines. - -Where a man's treasure is, his heart is also. An apothecary's interest is -more in nostrums, tobacco, _soda_, etc., than in medicines; how, then, can -he follow the excellent advice of Dr. Bullyn, in article "14, that he -peruse often his wares, that they corrupt not." - -But the greatest cheat is in the "substituting" business; the "_quid pro -quo_." Horse aloes may be bought for ten cents a pound. Podophyllin costs -seventy-five cents an ounce. They each act as cathartic, and I have -detected the former put in place of the latter. How is the physician to -know the cheat? How is the patient to detect it? Perhaps the former -_stuff_--aloes--may have given the victim the hemorrhoids. One dose may be -quite sufficient to produce that distressing disease. This only calls for -another prescription! So it looks a deal like a "you tickle me, and I'll -tickle you" profession, at best. Thus the patient becomes disgusted, and -resorts to our next--"Patent Medicines." - -In closing this chapter on Apothecaries, I must relate a little scene to -which I was an eye-witness. Meantime, let me say to the "respectable -druggist," Don't be offended if I have slighted you by leaving you out, in -my description of the various kinds of apothecaries enumerated above. -There is a respectable class of druggists whom I have not mentioned, and -doubtless you belong to that order. - -On going home one evening, not long since, I observed several boys, loud -and boisterous, surrounding a lamp post. As I approached, I heard, among -the cries and vociferations,-- - -"Howld to it, Jimmy; it'll be the makin' of ye." - -I drew nearer, and discovered a sickly-looking lad leaning up against the -lamp post, with the stump of a cigar in his mouth, and a taller boy -endeavoring to hold him up by his jacket collar, while a short-set urchin -was stooping behind to assist in the task. They were evidently endeavoring -to teach "Jimmy" to smoke. The poor fellow was deathly sick, and faintly -begged to be let off. - -"O, no, no. Stick to it, Jimmy; it'll be the makin' of yese," was -repeated. - -"Sure, ye'll niver do for a _sample clark in a potecary shop_," said -another, as he blew a cloud of smoke from his own cigar stump into the -pale face of the victim to modern accomplishments. - -[Illustration: A CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY.] - -"General Grant smokes, Jimmy, and you'll never be a man if you don't -learn," added a voice minus the brogue. - -A policeman here interfered, and rescued the wretched "Jimmy." - -"What is a sample clerk, my lad?" I asked of the boy who had used the -above expression. - -"O, sir, he's the divil o' the 'potecary shop; the lean, pimply-faced -urchin what tastes all the pizen drugs for the boss. If his constitution -is tough enough to stand it the first year, then they makes a clark of him -the nixt." - -[Illustration] - - - - -III. - -PATENT MEDICINES - - "Expunge the whole."--POPE. - - "These are terrible alarms to persons grown fat and wealthy."--SOUTH. - - PATENT MEDICINES.--HOW STARTED.--HOW MADE.--THE WAY IMMENSE FORTUNES - ARE REALIZED.--SPALDING'S GLUE.--SOURED SWILL.--SARSAPARILLA - HUMBUGS.--S. P. TOWNSEND.--"A DOWN EAST FARMER'S STORY."--"WILD - CHERRY" EXPOSITIONS.--"CAPTAIN WRAGGE'S PILL" A FAIR SAMPLE OF THE - WHOLE.--HOW PILL SALES ARE STARTED.--A SLIP OF THE PEN.--"GRIPE - PILLS."--SHAKSPEARE IMPROVED.--H. W. B. "FRUIT SYRUP."--HAIR - TONICS.--A BALD BACHELOR'S EXPERIENCE.--A LUDICROUS STORY.--A WOLF IN - SHEEP'S CLOTHING. - - -In the former chapters are shown some of the causes which led to the -present immense _demand_ for proprietary nostrums, or patent medicines. -The conflicting "_isms_" and "_opathies_" of the medical fraternity, their -quarrels and depreciations of one and another, their expositions of each -other's weaknesses, frauds, and duplicities, disgusted the common people, -who finally resorted to the irregulars, to astrologers, and humbugs of -various pretensions, and to the few advertised nostrums of those earlier -periods. - -"While there is life there is hope," and invalids would, and still -continue to seize upon almost any promised relief from present pain and -anticipated death. Speculative and unprincipled men have seldom been -wanting, at any period, to profit by this misfortune of their -fellow-creatures, and to play upon the credulity of the afflicted, by -offering various compounds warranted to restore them to perfect health. At -first such medicines were introduced by the owner going about personally -and introducing them; subsequently, by employing equally unprincipled -parties, of either sex, to go in advance, and tell of the wonderful cures -that this particular nostrum had wrought upon them. And to listen to these -lauders, one would be led to suppose that they had been afflicted with all -the ills nameable, adapting themselves to the parties -addressed,--yesterday, the gout; to-day, consumption, etc.,--regardless of -truth or circumstance. The physician created the apothecary. The two -opened the way for the less principled patent medicine vender. - -"Are not physicians and apothecaries sometimes owners of patent -medicines?" is the inquiry raised. Yes, certainly; but the true physician, -or honorable apothecary, is then sunk in the nostrum manufacturer. Next we -have the mountebanks. These were attendant upon fairs and in the -marketplaces, who, mounted upon a bench,--hence the name,--cried the -marvellous virtues of the medicine, and, by the assistance of a _decoy_ in -the crowd, often drove a lucrative business. - -Finally, upon the general introduction of printing, physician, apothecary, -mountebank, speculator, all seized upon the "power of the press," to more -extensively introduce their "wonderful discoveries." - -When you notice the name--and, O, ye gods, such names as are patched up to -attract your attention!--to a new medicine, systematically and extensively -advertised in every paper you chance to pick up, you wonder how any profit -can accrue to the manufacturer of the compound after paying such enormous -prices as column upon column in a thousand newspapers must necessarily -cost. "If the articles cost anything at the outset," you go on to -philosophize, "how can the manufacturers or proprietors make enough profit -to pay for this colossal advertising?" The solution of the problem is -embodied in your inquiry. They cost nothing, or as near to nothing as -possible for worthless trash to cost. This is the secret of the fortunes -made in advertised medicines. - -When we _know_ the complete worthlessness of the majority of the articles -that are placed before the public,--yea, their more than worthlessness, -for they are, many of them, highly injurious to the user,--the fact of -their enormous consumption is truly astonishing. The drug-swallowing -public has grown lean and poor in proportion as the manufacturers and -venders of these villanous compounds have grown fat and wealthy. - -Said the proprietor of "Coe's Cough Balsam" and "Dyspepsia Cure" to the -author, "If you have got a _good_ medicine, one of value, don't put it -before the public. I can advertise _dish water_, and sell it, just as well -as an article of merit. It is all in the advertising." As the above -preparations were advertised on every board fence, and in every newspaper -in New England at least, did his assertion imply that those articles were -mere "_dish water_"? - - -"SPALDING'S GLUE." - -I was informed by a Mr. Johnston, who engineered the advertising of the -preparation, that it cost but one eighth of a cent per bottle. If you want -to make a liquid glue, dissolve a quantity of common glue in water at -nearly boiling point, say one pound of glue to a gallon of water; add an -ounce or less of nitric acid to hold it in solution, and bottle. The more -glue, the stronger the preparation. - -The pain-killers and liniments are the most costly, on account of the -alcohol necessary to their manufacture; and, in fact, the principal item -of expense in all liquid medical articles put up for public sale, is in -the alcohol essential to their preservation against the extremes of heat -and cold to which they may be subjected. - - -SOURED SWILL. - -There is an article which "smells to heaven," the acidiferous title of -which glares in mammoth letters from every road-side, wherein the -audacious proprietor obviates the necessity of alcohol for its preparation -or preservation. It is merely fermented slops--"dish water," minus the -alcohol. Take a few handfuls of any bitter herbs, saturate them in any -dirty pond water,--say a barrel full,--add some nitric acid, and bottle, -without straining! Here you have _Vinegared Bitters_! The cheeky -proprietor informs the "ignorant public" that, "if the _medicine_ becomes -sour (ferments), as it sometimes will, being its 'nature so to do,' it -does not detract from its medical virtues." True, true! for it never -possessed "medical virtues." - -The cost of this villanous decoction is _scarcely half a cent a bottle_! -Soured swill! It is recommended to cure fifty different complaints! It -sells to fools for "one dollar a bottle," and will go through one like so -much quicksilver. "Try a bottle," if you doubt it. The "dodge" is in -advertising it as a temperance bitter. Having no alcoholic properties, it -in no wise endangers the user in becoming addicted to _stimulants_. - -Sarsaparilla humbugs are only second to the above. But a few years since -an immense fortune was realized by a New York speculator in human flesh on -a "Sarsaparilla" which contained not one drop of that all but useless -medicine; nor did it possess any real medical properties whatever. - - -THE DOWN EAST FARMER'S STORY. - -To illustrate this point, we introduce the following conversation between -the author and a "down east" farmer, in 1852:-- - -"It's all a humbug, is saxferilla!" exclaimed the old farmer, rapping his -fist "hard down on the old oaken table." - -"Why, no; not _all_ sarsaparilla; you must admit--" - -"No difference. I tell you it's a pesky humbug, all of it." - -[Illustration: "IT'S ALL A HUMBUG."] - -Withdrawing his tobacco pipe from his mouth, he laid it on the table, and -standing his thumb end on the board, as a "point of departure," he turned -to me, and said,-- - -"Why, in the medical books it has been analyzed, and they say it's nothin' -but sugar-house molasses, cheap whiskey, and a sprinkling of essence of -wintergreen and saxafras. Git the book, and see 'Townsend's Saxferilla,' -and that is the article! But they are all alike. Let me tell you about the -great New York saxferilla speculation. One man, S. P. Townsend, started a -compound like this here--nothin' but molasses and whiskey, and essence to -scent it nicely. When he had got it advertised from Texas to the Gut of -Canser (Canso, Provinces), from the Atlantic to the Specific, and was -about to make his fortune off on it, some speculators see he was doin' a -good thing, and, by zounds! they put their heads together, and their -dollars, to have a finger in the pie; and they done it. This is the way -they circumscribed him. They hired an old fellow,--I believe he was a -porter in a store when they found him,--named Jacob Townsend, and a right -rough old customer he was, all rags and dirt, hadn't but one reliable eye, -and a regular old rumsucker. - -"Well, they fixed him up with a fine suit of clothes, and, by zounds! they -palmed him off for the original, Simon Pure saxferilla man. So they -advertised him as the real ginuine Townsend, and started a 'saxferilla,' -with his ugly old face on the bottles, and said that the other was -counterfeit, you see; and there he sat, with his one eye cocked on the -crowd of customers that crowded round to see the ginuine thing, you know. -So they blowed the other saxferilla as counterfeit, and finding in a store -a bottle or two that had _fomented_, they made a great noise about the -bogus saxferilla, 'busting the bottles,' and all that, and again asserting -that the Jacob Townsend was the true blue, Simon Pure; and it took, by -zounds! Yes, the public swallowed the lie, the saxferilla, old Jacob, and -all. I hearn that both the parties made a fortune on it." - -Stopping to take a whiff at his neglected pipe, he resumed:-- - -"Saxferilla is all a humbug!" - -S. P. Townsend, as is well known, amassed a fortune, at one time, on the -profits of the "sarsaparilla," put up, as the reader may remember, in -huge, square, black bottles. The Boston Medical and Surgical Journal, Vol. -XL. p. 237, says, "Townsend's Sarsaparilla, Albany, N. Y., in nearly black -bottles," is "composed of molasses, extract of roots _or_ barks (sassafras -bark is better than essence, because of body and color), and _probably_ -senna and sarsaparilla. A. A. HAYES, State Assayer." - -The medical properties are all a _supposition_, even though Dr. Hayes was -_hired_ to give the analysis of it to the public, in the interest of the -proprietor, and consequently he would not detract from its _supposed_ -merits. - -Pectorals, wild cherry preparations, etc., are cheaply made. Oil of -almonds produces the _cherry_ flavor, _hydrocyanic acid_ (prussic acid, a -virulent poison) and morphine, or opium, constitute the medical -properties. I have not examined the exception to the above. - -_Pills._ The bitter and cathartic properties of nearly every pill in the -market,--advertised preparation,--whether "mandrake," "liver," -"vegetable," or what else, are made up from aloes, the coarsest and -cheapest of all bitter cathartics. One is as good as another. You pay your -money, however; you can take your choice. - -One holds the ascendency in proportion to the money or cheek invested by -the owner in its introduction. A great Philadelphia pill, now sold in all -the drug stores of America, was introduced by the following "dodge": The -owner began small. He took his pills to the druggists, and, as he could -not sell an unknown and unadvertised patent pill, he left a few boxes on -commission. He then sent round and bought them up. Their ready sale -induced the druggists to purchase again, for cash. The proprietor invested -the surplus cash in advertising their "rapid sale," as well as their "rare -virtues," and by puffing, and a little more buying up, he got them -started. He necessarily must keep them advertised, or they would become a -_drug_ in market. - -Wilkie Collins, Esq., in "No Name," has the best written description of -the _modus operandi_ of keeping a "pill before the people," and I cannot -refrain from quoting Captain Wragge to Magdalen in this connection. - -"My dear girl, I have been occupied, since we last saw each other, in -slightly modifying my old professional habits. I have shifted from moral -agriculture to medical agriculture. Formerly I preyed on the public -sympathy; now I prey on the public's stomach. Stomach and sympathy, -sympathy and stomach. The founders of my fortune are three in number: -their names are Aloes, Scammony, and Gamboge. In plainer words, I am now -living--on a pill! I made a little money, if you remember, by my friendly -connection with you. I made a little more by the happy decease -(_Requiescat in pace_) of that female relative of Mrs. Wragge's. Very -good! What do you think I did? I invested the whole of my capital, at one -fell swoop, in advertising a pill, and purchased my drugs and pill boxes -on credit. The result is before you. Here I am, a grand financial fact, -with my clothes positively paid for, and a balance at my banker's; with my -servant in livery, and my gig at the door; solvent, popular, and all on a -pill!" - -Magdalen smiled. - -"It's no laughing matter for the public, my dear; they can't get rid of me -and my pill; they must take us. There is not a single form of appeal in -the whole range of human advertisement which I am not making to the -unfortunate public at this moment. Hire the last novel--there I am inside -the covers of the book; send for the last song--the instant you open the -leaves I drop out of it; take a cab--I fly in at the windows in red; buy a -box of tooth-powders at the chemists--I wrap it up in blue; show yourself -at the theatre--I flutter down from the galleries in yellow. The mere -titles of my advertisements are quite irresistible. Let me quote a few -from last week's issue. Proverbial title: 'A pill in time saves nine.' -Familiar title: 'Excuse me, how is your stomach?' Patriotic title: 'What -are the three characteristics of a true-born Englishman?--his hearth, his -home, and his pill;' etc. - -"The place in which I make my pill is an advertisement in itself. I have -one of the largest shops in London. Behind the counter, visible to the -public through the lucid medium of plate glass, are four and twenty young -men, in white aprons, making the pill. Behind another, four and twenty -making the boxes. At the bottom of the shop are three elderly accountants, -posting the vast financial transactions accruing from the pill, in three -enormous ledgers. Over the door are my name, portrait, and autograph, -expanded to colossal proportions, and surrounded, in flowing letters, the -motto of the establishment: 'DOWN WITH THE DOCTORS.' Mrs. Wragge -contributes her quota to this prodigious enterprise. She is the celebrated -woman whom I have cured of indescribable agonies, from every complaint -under the sun. Her _portrait_ is engraved on all the wrappers, with the -following inscription: 'Before she took the pill,' etc." - -[In this country we are familiar with the ghostly looking picture of a -man, the said proprietor of a medicine, "before he took the pill" (aloes), -and "after;" the "after" being represented by a ridiculous extreme of -muscular and adipose tissue.] - -"Captain Wragge's" is the style in which most medicines are placed before -the public. We take up our morning journal: its columns are crowded by -patent medicine advertisements. We turn in disgust from their glaring -statements, and attempt to read a news item. We get half through, and find -we are sold into reading a puff for the same trashy article. We take a -horse-car for up or down town, and opposite, in bold and variegated -letters, the persistent remedy (?) stares you continually in the face. We -enter the post office: the lobbies are employed for the exposition, -perhaps sale, of the patent medicines. We open our box: "O, we've a large -mail to-day!" we exclaim; when, lo! half of the envelopes contain patent -medicine advertisements, which have been run through the post office into -every man's box in the department. And so it goes all day. We breakfast on -aloes, dine on quassia, sup on logwood and myrrh, and sleep on morphine -and prussic acid! - -"The humors of the press" sometimes inadvertently tell you the truth -respecting this or that remedy advertised in their columns. - -A religious newspaper before me says of a proprietary medicine, -"Advertised in another column of our paper: It is a _hell-deserving_ -article." Probably the copy read, "Well-deserving article." - -Said a certain paper, "A correspondent, whose duty it was to 'read up' the -religious weeklies, has concluded that the reason of those journals -devoting so much space to patent medicine announcements is, 'that the -object of religion and quackery are similar--both prepare us for another -and better world.'" - -The proprietor of a pill,--not Captain Wragge,--threatened recently to -prosecute a New Hampshire newspaper publisher for a puff of his "Gripe -Pills." - -As every fool, as well as some wise people, read the "personals" in the -papers, an occasional notice of a tooth-paste, bitter, or tonic is -inserted therein, thus:-- - - "AUGUSTUS APOLPHUS: I will deceive you no longer. My conscience - upbraids me. Those pearly white teeth you so much admire are false! - false! They were made by Dr. Grinder, dentist. I use Dr. Scourer's - tooth-paste, which keeps them clean and white. 'O, how sharper than a - serpent's thanks it is to have a toothless child.' - - SUSAN JANE." - -Great and public men are sometimes induced or inveigled into recommending -a patent medicine. In London, one Joshua Ward, a drysalter, of Thames -Street, about the year 1780, introduced a pill, composed of the usual -ingredients,--aloes and senna,--which, owing to some benefit he was -supposed to have derived from their use, Lord Chief Baron Reynolds was led -to praise in the highest terms. The result of this high dignitary's -patronage was to give prominence to Ward and his pills, which subsequently -sold for the fabulous price of 2s. 6d. a pill! General Churchill added his -praise, and Ward was called as a physician to prescribe for the king. -Either in consequence, or in spite of the treatment, the royal malady -disappeared, and Ward was _re_warded with a solemn vote of the House of -Commons protecting him from the interdiction of the College of -Physicians. In addition to the liberal fee, he asked for and obtained the -privilege of driving his carriage through St. James Park! Notwithstanding -the pill, Reynolds died of his disease not long afterwards. - -Henry Fielding subscribed to the wonderful efficacy of "Tar Water," a -nostrum of his day, but died of the disease for which it was recommended. - -Some time prior to 1780 there was published in the newspapers a list of -the patent nostrums, or advertised remedies, in London, which numbered -upwards of two hundred. - -Now there are known, in the United States alone, to be upwards of three -hundred differently named hair preparations. - -Dr. Head, of whom we have made mention, "realized large sums from -worthless quack nostrums," while at the same time another popular -physician, with a Cambridge (England) diploma in his office, was -proprietor of a "gout mixture," which sold at the shops for two shillings -a bottle. - -Some of these shameless scoundrels, owners of advertised nostrums, with -little or no sense of honor, have published the recommendations of great -men, without the knowledge or permission of the parties whose names were -so falsely affixed to their worthless stuff. A New York quack recently -used the name of Henry Ward Beecher in this manner. Mr. Beecher published -him as a thief and forger of his name, which only served to bring the -doctor (?) into universal notice. Only to-day I read his impudent -advertisement in a newspaper, with Mr. Beecher's name affixed as -reference. If you prosecute one of the villains for issuing false -certificates, even for forging your own name, it does him no great injury, -you get no satisfaction, and in the end it only serves to call public -attention to a worthless article, thereby increasing its sale. - -In the London _Medical Journal_ of 1806, Dr. Lettsom attacked and exposed -a "nervous cordial," stating that it was a deleterious article; "that it -had killed its thousands;" and further asserted that Brodum, its -proprietor, was a Jewish knave, having been a bootblack in Copenhagen, and -a wholesale murderer. Brodum at once brought an action against the -proprietor of the _Journal_, laying the damages at twenty-five thousand -dollars. Brodum held the advantage, and the _Journal_ proprietor asked for -terms of settlement. Brodum's terms were not modest. He, through his -attorney, agreed to withdraw the action provided the name of the author -was revealed, and that he should whitewash the quack in the next number of -the _Journal_, over the same signature! Dr. Lettsom consented to these -terms, paid the lawyers' bills and costs, amounting to three hundred and -ninety pounds, and wrote the required puff of Brodum and his nostrum. - -SOOTHING SYRUPS, nervous cordials, etc., owe their soothing properties to -opium, or its salt--morphine. - -From "OPIUM AND THE OPIUM APPETITE," by Alonzo Calkins, M. D., we are -informed that an article sold as "Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup," for -children teething, contains nearly _one grain of the alkaloid_ (morphine) -_to each ounce of the syrup_! Taking one teaspoonful as the dose (that is, -one drachm), and there being eight drachms to the ounce, consequently -about one eighth of a grain of morphine is given to an infant at a dose! -Do you wonder it gives him a _quietus_? Do you wonder that the mortality -among children is greatly on the increase? that so many of the darling, -helpless little innocents die from dropsy, brain fever, epileptic fits, -and the like? - - -FRUIT SYRUPS FOR SODA WATER. - -Perhaps you take yours "plain." No! Then you may want to know how the pure -fruit syrup, which sweetens and flavors the soda, is made. The "soda" -itself is a very harmless article. - -BUTYRIC ETHER is usually taken for a basis. Butyric ether is manufactured -from rancid butter, old rotten cheese, or Limburger cheese. The latter is -the "loudest," and affords the best flavor to the ether. The cheese is -treated with sulphuric acid. Old leather is known to give it a -particularly fine flavor. Any old boots and shoes will answer. - -PINEAPPLE SYRUP is made from butyric and formic ether. The latter is -manufactured from soap or glycerine. Sulphuric acid and red ants will do -as well. - -STRAWBERRY is made of twelve parts of butyric ether and one of acetic -ether, alcohol, and water. Color with cochineal--a bug of the tick -species, from Mexico. Sometimes a little real strawberry is added, but it -is not deemed essential. - -RASPBERRY is made from the same articles. If convenient, the druggist adds -a little raspberry jam or syrup. If not, color a little deeper, add some -strawberry, and change the label to raspberry. - -VANILLA SYRUP is made of Tonqua beans, such as boys sell on the street. - -PEACH is made from bitter almonds. WILD CHERRY the same. - -NECTAR is formed by a compound of various syrups and Madeira wine. You can -easily make the Madeira of neutral spirits, sugar, raisins, and logwood to -color it. - -SARSAPARILLA. Take the cheapest and nastiest molasses obtainable. Strain -it to remove dead bees, sticks, cockroaches, etc. Flavor with essence -sassafras and wintergreen. Little extract sarsaparilla will do no harm if -added to the mixture. It is very harmless. - -LEMON is made of citric acid and sugar. - -COFFEE is made mostly of chiccory, burnt livers, sometimes a little coffee -bean. Horses' livers are said to be the best, giving it a _racy_ flavor, -and more _body_. - -"They are all very good," the vender tells you; he takes his plain, -however. You see how much cheaper these are than the _real_ fruit syrup -itself; and as neither you nor I can tell the difference by _taste_, what -inducement has the dealer in soda water to use the costlier articles? - -I have a friend who sells the "pure syrups," and I presume the reader has -also; but I respectfully decline drinking soda water with "pure fruit -syrups." - - POISONOUS HAIR TONICS AND COSMETICS. - - Extract from the report of Professor C. F. Chandler, Ph. D., chemist - to the Metropolitan Board of Health. This report, which presents the - results of the examination of a few of the articles in general use, - was printed in full in the Chemical News (American reprint) for May, - 1870. We present the following list of dangerous preparations, which - gives the number of grains of lead, etc., in one fluid ounce. - - I. HAIR TONICS, WASHES, AND RESTORATIVES. - - Grains of lead in - one fluid ounce. - - 1. Clark's Distilled Restorative for the Hair, 0.11 - 2. Chevalier's Life for the Hair, 1.02 - 3. Circassian Hair Rejuvenator, 2.71 - 4. Ayer's Hair Vigor, 2.89 - 5. Professor Wood's Hair Restorative, 3.08 - 6. Dr. J. J. O'Brien's Hair Restorer, America, 3.28 - 7. Gray's Celebrated Hair Restorative, 3.39 - 8. Phalon's Vitalia, 4.69 - 9. Ring's Vegetable Ambrosia, 5.00 - 10. Mrs. S. A. Allen's World's Hair Restorer, 5.57 - 11. L. Knittel's Indian Hair Tonique, 6.29 - 12. Hall's Vegetable Sicilian Hair Renewer, 7.13 - 13. Dr. Tebbet's Physiological Hair Regenerator, 7.44 - 14. Martha Washington Hair Restorative, 9.80 - 15. Singer's Hair Restorative, 16.39 - - II. LOTIONS OR WASHES FOR THE COMPLEXION. - - _Perry's Moth and Freckle Lotion._ - - Mercury in solution, 2.67 gr. }equiv.{ Corrosive Sub., 3.61 gr. - Zinc in solution, 0.99 " } to { Sulphate of Zinc, 4.25 " - - The sediment contains mercury, lead, and bismuth. - - III. ENAMELS FOR THE SKIN. - - Grains of lead in one fluid - ounce, after shaking. - - Eugenie's Favorite, 108.94 grains. - Phalon's Snow-white Enamel, 146.28 " - Phalon's Snow-white Oriental Cream, 190.99 " - - CONCLUSION.--It appears from the foregoing,-- - - 1. The HAIR TONICS, WASHES, and RESTORATIVES contain lead in - considerable quantities; that they owe their action to this metal, and - that they are consequently highly dangerous to the health of persons - using them. - - 2. With a single exception, Perry's Moth and Freckle Lotion, the - LOTIONS for the skin are free from lead and other injurious metals. - - 3. That the ENAMELS are composed of either carbonate of lime, oxide of - zinc, or carbonate of lead, suspended in water. The first two classes - of enamels are comparatively harmless; as harmless as any other white - dirt, when plastered over the skin to close the pores and prevent its - healthy action. On the other hand, the enamels composed of carbonate - of lead are highly dangerous, and their use is very certain to produce - disastrous results to those who patronize them. - - -HAIR RESTORATIVES: A BALD BACHELOR'S EXPERIENCE. - -A gentleman of perhaps thirty-five years of age once called upon the -writer for advice relative to baldness, when he related the following -experience, permitting me to make a note of it at leisure. - -"In 1865 my friends intimated to me that my hair was getting slightly thin -on the crown of my head. I have always had a mortal terror of being bald, -and daily examinations convinced me that my fears were about to be -realized. My first inquiry was for a remedy. - -"'What shall I do to prevent its falling out?' I nervously inquired. - -"'Get a bottle of Dr. ----'s Hair Restorative,' one advised; another, some -different preparation,--all advertised remedies,--till I had a list a yard -long of various washes, preventives, restorers, etc., _ad infinitum_. - -"I obtained one of _the very best_. I used it as directed. It _stuck_ as -though its virtue consisted in sticking the loose hairs firmly to the -firmer-rooted ones. But alas! after a month's trial, sufficient hair had -come out of my head to make a respectable _chignon_! - -"I next got some of Mrs. A. S. S. Allon's--or All--something; I forget the -rest of the name; I'm sure of the A. S. S., however,--and that was worse -than the _gum-stick-'em_ kind, for the hair came out faster than before. - -"In despair, I applied to a 'respectable apothecary,' who keeps the next -corner drug store. 'For God's sake, Mr. Bilious, have you got any good -preventive for falling of the hair?' I exclaimed. - -"'O, yes, just the article,' he replied, rubbing his palms vigorously. He -then showed me his stock, consisting of _thirty-nine different kinds_! - -"'All very good--highly recommended,' he remarked, with commendable -impartiality. - -"I selected one--with rather an ominous name, I -admit:--_Kat-hair-on_!--preferring cat's hair to none. - -"I used the Kathairon according to directions." - -"'Did the cat's hair grow?' I anxiously inquired. - -"'Neither cat's hair nor human hair.' No. Worse and worse. I was about to -abandon all effort, when, stopping on a corner to get a young boot-black -to shine my boots, preparatory to making a call on a lady acquaintance, -before whom I was desirous of making a genteel appearance, a dirty, ragged -little urchin peered around the block, and exclaimed, 'O, mister, you're -barefooted on top o' yer head!' I had inadvertently removed my hat, to -wipe my forehead. - -[Illustration: "BAREFOOTED ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD."] - -"This was the last feather. Though coming from but a dirty boot-black, it -stung me to the marrow. I kicked over the boy, box, blacking, and all, and -rushed into the nearest drug shop. I bought another new hair preparation. -Another ominous name--'_Bare-it_!' - -"This I also used, as directed on the label, for a month. 'I think,' I -said, 'if I use it a second month, it will entirely _bare it_!' - -"I bought a wig, and had my head shaved. I didn't lock myself up in a -coal-cellar, or hide under a tub, like Diogenes, but I felt that I would -have gladly done either, to hide myself from the eyes of the world. The -girls all cast shy glances at me as they passed; as though the majority of -_them_ did not wear false hair! - -"In utter desperation, I visited a dermatologist. What a name to make hair -grow! Well, he examined my scalp with a microscope, and said the hair -could be made to grow anew. 'I discover myriads of germs, which only -require the right treatment in order to spring up in an exuberant crop of -wavy tresses.' I bought his preparations. Bill, thirty-eight dollars. They -were worthless. - -"Soon after this failure, I heard of a new remedy--'a sure cure.' The -proprietor possessed a world-wide reputation, from the manufacture of -various other remedies for nearly all diseases to which we poor mortals -are subject, and there might be something in this. It was recommended to -cure baldness, and restore gray hair to its natural color. I would go and -see the proprietor of this excellent hair restorer. I hastened to Lowell. -I was ushered into the doctor's sanctum--into the very presence of this -Napoleon of medicine-makers, the Alexander of conquered worlds--of medical -prejudices! - -"With hat in hand, I bowed low to the great Doctor Hair--or hair doctor. -He beheld my veneration for himself. With a practised eye, he noted my -genteel apparel. Flattered by my obeisance, and not to be outdone in -politeness, he arose, removed his tile, and bowed equally low in return to -my profound salutation, when lo! _O tempora! O mores!_ he was both bald -and gray! I retired without specifying the object of my visit." - - -A WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING. - -When a man tells you, point blank, that he is selling an article for the -profit of it, believe him; but when he asserts that he is advertising and -offering a remedy solely for the public good, for the benefit of suffering -humanity, he is a liar. Beware of such. - -Furthermore, when he publishes an advertisement in every paper in the -land, announcing that himself having been miraculously or "providentially" -cured of a _variety_ of diseases by a certain compound, the _prescription_ -for which he will send free to any address, you should hesitate, until -satisfied of the disinterestedness of the party, and meantime ask yourself -the following question: "Provided this be true, why don't the unparalleled -benevolent gentleman _publish the recipe_, which would cost so much less -than this persistent advertising 'that he will send it to any requiring -it'? And you are next led to ask,-- - -"Where is the 'dodge'? For money is what he is after." - -A reverend (?), a scoundrel, a "wolf in sheep's clothing," advertises in -nearly every paper you chance to notice, especially _religious_ -newspapers, a remedy he discovered while a missionary to some foreign -country, that cured him of a _variety_ of diseases, the recipe for which -medicine he will send to any address, _free of charge_. - -"Here is the '_Old Sands of Life_' dodge," I said, "which I had the -satisfaction of exposing fourteen years ago." - -The reader may recollect the advertisement of "A Retired Physician, -seventy-five years of age, whose sands of life had nearly run out," who -advertised so extensively a remedy which cured his daughter, etc., which -remedy he would send _free_, to the afflicted, on application. - -I investigated his "little fraud." I found, instead of an old man -"seventy-five years of age," a young man of about twenty-eight or thirty. -He was no reverend. He had no daughter. He was a tall, gaunt, profane, -tobacco-chewing, foul-mouthed fellow, with a bad impediment in his speech -from loss of palate, whose name _was_ Oliver Phipps Brown, a printer by -trade, who formerly worked as journeyman in the _Courant_ office, -Hartford, Conn. The police finally got hold of him, and broke up the -swindle. - -[Illustration: OLD "SANDS OF LIFE."] - -Here is now a parallel case. The above _reverend_ says he will send the -recipe free. I directed my student to write for it. The recipe came, with -various articles named therein, supposed to be the Latin names of plants. -I assert that there are no such medicines in the Materia Medica, or the -world. The _reverend_ don't want that there should be. Why? Because you -would not then send to him for his "Compound." - -He sends with his recipe a circular, in which he gives you the history of -_his marvellous discovery_. Further along, by some oversight, he says it -was made known to him through a physician! - -The names are bogus. The whole remedy is a humbug. There are names in it -as _species_ which sound something like some medical term; and the -druggist may be deceived thereby. The reverend quack, foreseeing "the -difficulty in obtaining the articles in their purity at any druggist's," -advises you to send to him for them. Do you begin to see the _dodge_? He -"will furnish it at _cost_." Only think! How benevolent! "My means make -me independent." Think again. An invalid from boyhood, his time and means -exhausted in travelling "in Europe two years," and was only "sent a -missionary (?) through the kindness of friends," he assures us in his -circular. Here he _discovered through an old physician_--surely a new mode -of discovery--this wonderful compound, which cured him in "six weeks," and -forthwith, in gratitude, he proceeded to New York, and began putting up -this marvellous remedy "_at cost_." - -Let us examine the article sold for three dollars and a half a small -package. Dr. Hall, of the "Journal of Health," examined the article which -"Old Sands of Life" sold as _Canabis Indica_, and found the cost "_but -sixteen cents, bottle and all_." Nevertheless, "The Retired Physician" -sold it to his dupes for two dollars. I do not hesitate to say that the -above compound cost even _less than sixteen cents a package_. - -"But," said a gentleman to me, "he is connected with the Bible House. Here -is his address: 'Station D, Bible House, New York.'" - -"There is a post-station by that name. Suppose I should give an address, -'34 Museum Building.' Would that imply that I was a play-actor, or owner -of the Museum?" I replied. - -"Then it is only another 'Reverend' dodge--is it?" he asked. - -"Precisely; it is to give character to his characterless address." - -"Don't the newspaper publishers know it is a swindle?" he suggested. - -"There's not the least doubt that they know it." - -"Then hereafter I shall have little faith in the religion or honesty of -the newspaper that publishes such swindling advertisements." - -"Admitting that they know the dishonesty of the thing,--and how can any -man endowed with common sense but see that there is _swindle_ on the face -of it?--the publisher of that advertisement is a _particeps criminis_ in -the transaction." - -"Why don't some of the thousand victims who have been swindled into buying -this worthless stuff expose him?" - -"In exposing the _reverend wolf_, don't you see they would expose their -own weakness? This is the reason of the fellow's selecting the peculiar -class of diseases as curable by his great discovery. The poor sufferer -does not wish the community to know that he is afflicted by such a -disease." - -"It is truly a great dodge; and no doubt the knave has found fools enough -to make him '_independent_.'" - - * * * * * - -RULES. 1. Take no patent or advertised medicines at all. They are of no -earthly use! You never require them, as they are not conducive to your -health, happiness, or longevity. - -There are physicians who can cure every disease that flesh is heir -to--_excepting one_. - -2. Apply in your need only to a respectable physician. - -3. Give your preference to such as administer the smallest quantities of -medicine--_and are successful in their practice_. - - * * * * * - -I have barely begun to exhaust the material I have been years collecting -for this chapter; but I must desist, to give room for other important -expositions. - -[Illustration] - - - - -IV. - -MANUFACTURED DOCTORS. - - "One says, 'I'm not of any school; - No living master gives me rule; - Nor do I in the old tracks tread; - I scorn to learn aught from the dead.' - Which means, if I am not mistook, - 'I am an ass on my own hook.'" - - A BOSTON BARBER AS M. D.--A BARBER "GONE TO POT."--FOOLS MADE - DOCTORS.--BAKERS.--BARBERS.--"A LUCKY DOG."--TINKERS.--ROYAL - FAVORS.--"LITTLE CARVER DAVY."--A BUTCHER'S BLOCKHEAD.--A SWEEPING - VISIT.--HOP-PED FROM OBSCURITY.--PEDAGOGUES TURN - DOCTORS.--ARBUTHNOT.--"A QUAKER."--"WALKS OFF ON HIS EAR."--WEAVERS - AND BASKET-MAKERS.--A TOUGH PRINCE; REQUIRED THREE M. D.'S TO KILL - HIM.--MARAT A HORSE DOCTOR.--A MERRY PARSON.--BLACK MAIL.--POLICE AS A - MIDWIFE, ETC., ETC. - - -"Every man is either a physician or a fool at forty," says the old -proverb. - -"May not a man be both?" suggested Canning, in the presence of a circle of -friends, before whom Sir Henry Halford happened to quote the old saying. - -"There is generally a fool in every family, whom the parents select at -once for a priest or a physician," said Peter Pindar. He was good -authority. - -I am of the opinion that there are many whose mental capacity has been -overrated, who have made doctors of themselves; but we are not to treat of -fools in this chapter, but of men whom _circumstances_ have created -physicians, and of men who, in spite of circumstances of birth or -education, have made themselves doctors. - -In the choice of a trade or profession, every young man should weigh -carefully his natural capacity to the pursuit selected. His parents or -guardians should consult the youth's adaptability rather than their own -convenience. How many have dragged out a miserable existence by ill choice -of a calling! Men who were destined by nature to be wood-sawyers and -diggers of trenches, are found daily taking upon themselves the immense -responsibility of teaching those whose mental calibre is far above their -own, or assuming the greater responsibility of administering to the -afflicted. - -If a man finds himself adapted to a higher calling than that originally -selected for him by his friends, by all means let him "come up higher;" -but too many by far have changed from a trade to a profession to which -they had no adaptability. - -So we find men in the medical profession who were better as they -were,--bakers, barbers, butchers, tailors, tinkers, pedagogues, cobblers, -horse doctors, etc., etc. - -There used to be a fish-peddler going about Boston, blowing a fish-horn, -and crying his "fresh cod an' haddock," who, getting tired of that loud -crying and loud smelling occupation, took to blowing his horn for his -"wonderful discovery" of a "pasture weed," which cured every humor but a -thundering humor (one can see the humor of the joke), and every eruption -since the eruption of Hecla in 1783,--which is a pity that he had not made -his discovery in time to have tried it on old Hecla's back when it was up. - - -BARBERS AS DOCTORS. - -A barber of Boston, accidentally overhearing a gentleman mention a certain -remedy for the "barber's itch," seized upon the idea of speculating upon -it, and at once sold out his shop, made up the ointment, clapped M. D. to -his name, put out his circulars, and is now seeking whom he may devour, as -a physician. - -With the looseness of morals and the laxity of our laws, one of these -fellows "can make a doctor as quick as a tinker can make a tin kettle." - -Probably more barbers have become doctors than any other artisans, for the -reason that barbers were formerly nearly the only acknowledged -"blood-letters." In the earlier days of Abernethy, barber surgeons were -recognized, and the great doctor said of himself, "I have often doffed my -hat to those fellows, with a razor between their teeth and a lancet in -their hands." Doubtless some of them arrived to usefulness in the -profession. Dr. Ambrose Pare, a French barber surgeon, was called the -father of French surgery, and enjoyed the confidence of Charles IX. An -eminent surgeon of London was Mr. Pott. He was contemporary with Dr. -Hunter, and gave lectures at St. Bartholomew Hospital in Hunter's -presence. Some person asking a wag one day where Dr. Hunter was, he -replied that, "with barber surgeons he _had gone to pot_." - -This alliance of surgery and shaving, to say nothing of other -qualifications with which they were sometimes associated, conceivably -enough furnished some pretext for apprenticeships, since Dickey Gossip's -definition of - - "Shaving and tooth-drawing, - Bleeding, cabbaging, and sawing," - -was by no means always sufficiently comprehensive to include the -multifarious accomplishments of "the doctor." "I have seen," says Dr. -Macillwain, of England, "within twenty-five years, chemist, druggist, -surgeon, apothecary, and the significant, '&c.,' followed by hatter, -hosier, and linen draper, all in one establishment." - -I saw in New Hampshire, in 1864, doctor, barber, and apothecary -represented by one man. - -William Butts, another barber surgeon of London, was called to attend -Henry VIII., and was rewarded for his professional services with the -honor of knighthood in 1512. Another, who was knighted by Henry VIII., was -John Ayliffe, a sheriff, formerly a merchant of Blackwell Hall. - -Royalty had a chronic habit of knighting quacks. Queen Anne became so -charmed by a tailor, who had turned doctor, and who, by some hook or -crook, was called to prescribe for the queen's weak eyes, that she had him -sworn in, with another knave, as her own oculist. "This lucky gentleman," -says a reliable author, "was William Reade, a botching tailor of Grub -Street, London. To the very last he was a great ignoramus, as a work -entitled 'A Short and Exact Account of all Diseases Incident to the Eyes,' -attests; yet he rose to knighthood, and the most lucrative and fashionable -practice of the period." Reade (_Sir William_) was unable to read the book -he had published (written by an _amanuensis_); nevertheless, aristocracy, -and wise and worthy people at that, who listened to his dignified voice, -viewed his pompous person, encased in rich garments, and adorned with -jewelry and lace ruffles, _cap-a-pie_, resting his chin upon his enormous -gold-headed cane, as, reclining in his splendid coach, drawn by a span of -superb blood horses, up to St. James, considered him the most learned and -eminent physician of that generation. - -In the British Museum is deposited a copy of a poem to the great oculist. -This poem Reade himself had written, at the hand of a penny-a-liner, a -"poet of Grub Street," immediately after he was knighted, which has been -mainly instrumental in handing his name down to posterity. - - -TINKER AS DOCTOR. - -About the year 1705, one Roger Grant rose into public notice in London, by -his publication of his own "marvellous cures." This fellow was no fool, -though a great knave. He was formerly a travelling tinker, subsequently a -cobbler, and Anabaptist preacher. From tinkering of pots, he became -mender of soles of men's boots and shoes; thence saver of souls from -perdition, a tinkerer of sore eyes, and lightener of the body. The -following bit of poetry was written in 1708 for his benefit, the "picture" -being one which Grant, who was a very vain man, had gotten up from a -copperplate likeness of himself, to distribute among his friends. The -picture was found posted up conspicuously with the lines:-- - - "A tinker first, his scene of life began; - That failing, he set up for a cunning man; - But, wanting luck, puts on a new disguise, - And now pretends that he can cure your eyes. - But this expect, that, like a tinker true, - Where he repairs one eye, he puts out two." - -[Illustration: THE EYE DOCTOR.] - -He worked himself into notoriety by the publication, in pamphlet form, of -his cures,--a mixture of truth strongly spiced with falsehood,--and -scattering it over the community. "His plan was to get hold of some poor, -ignorant person, of imperfect vision, and, after treating him with -medicine and half-crowns for a few weeks, induce him to sign a -testimonial, which he probably had never read, that he was born blind, and -by the providential intervention of Dr. Grant, he had been entirely -restored. To this certificate the clergyman and church-wardens of the -parish, in which the patient had been known to wander in mendicancy, were -asked to attest; and if they proved impregnable to the cunning -representations of the importunate solicitors, and declined to sign the -certificate, the doctor did not scruple to save them that trouble by -signing their names himself." - -More than once was the charge of being a tinker preferred against him. The -following satire was written and published for his benefit--with Dr. -Reade's--after Queen Anne had Dr. Grant sworn in as her "oculist in -ordinary":-- - - "Her majesty sure was in a surprise, - Or else was very short-sighted, - When a tinker was sworn to look to her eyes, - And the mountebank Reade was knighted." - - -"THE LITTLE CARVER DAVY." - -The distinguished chemical philosopher and physician of Penzance, Sir -Humphry Davy, Bart., was the son of a poor wood-carver, at which trade -Humphry worked in his earlier days, and was named by his familiar -associates, the "Little Carver Davy." On the death of his father, the -widow established herself as a milliner at Penzance, where she apprenticed -her son to an apothecary. His mother was a woman of talent and great moral -sense. When, as Sir Humphry, he had reached the summit of his fame, he -looked back upon the facts of his humble origin, his father's plebeian -occupation and associates, and his mother's mean pursuit, followed for his -benefit, with mortification instead of regarding them as sources of -pride. - - -A BUTCHER BOY ESCAPES THE CLEAVER AND BECOMES A GREAT PHYSICIAN AND POET. - -In a rickety old three story house, the lower part of which was occupied -as a butcher's shop and trader's room, and the upper stories as a -dwelling-house, at Newcastle-upon-Tyne, in 1721, was born Mark Akenside. -His father was a butcher, and one day, as the boy Mark was assisting at -the menial occupation of cutting up a calf, a cleaver fell from the shop -block upon another "calf,"--that of young Akenside's leg,--which lamed him -for life. - -[Illustration: THE YOUNG SURGEON'S FIRST EXPERIENCE.] - -Akenside was a Nonconformist, and by the aid of the Dissenters' Society -young Mark was sent to Edinburgh to study theology. From theology he went -to physic, his honest parent refunding the money to the society paid for -his studies under their patronage, and he subsequently obtained his degree -at Cambridge, and became a fellow of the R. S. - -Like Davy, Akenside became ashamed of his plebeian origin. His lameness, -like Lord Byron's, was a continual source of mortification to him. - -He became a physician to St. Thomas; and, as he went with the students the -rounds of the hospital, the fastidiousness of the little bunch of dignity -at having come so closely in contact with the vulgar rabble, induced him, -at times, to make the strongest patients precede him with _brooms_, to -clear a way for him through the crowd of diseased wretches, who, -nevertheless, had wonderful faith in his wisdom, and would cry out, -"_Bravo for the butcher boy with a game leg!_" as they fell back before -the fearful charge of corn brooms. - -By the assistance of friends, and his ever extensive practice, Akenside -was enabled, to the day of his death, in 1770, to keep his carriage, wear -his gold-hilted sword, and his huge well-powdered wig. - - -HOW ONE HOP-PED FROM OBSCURITY. - -"Dr. Messenger Monsey, in the heyday of his prosperity, used to assert to -his friends that the first of his known ancestors was a baker and a -retailer of hops. At a critical point of this worthy man's career, when -hops were 'down,' and feathers 'up,' in order to raise the needful for -present emergencies he ripped up his beds, sold the feathers, and refilled -the ticks with hops. When a change occurred in the market soon afterwards -the process was reversed; even the children's beds were reopened, and the -hops sold for a large profit over the cost of replacing the feathers!" - -"That's the way, sirs, that my family hop-ped from obscurity," the doctor -would conclude, with great gusto. - -The Duke of Leeds used, in the same manner, to delight in boasting of his -lucky progenitor, Jack Osborn, the shop lad, who rescued his master's -beautiful daughter from a watery grave at the bottom of the Thames, and -won her hand away from a score of noble suitors, who wanted, literally, -the young lady's _pin_-money as much as herself. Her father was a pin -manufacturer, and had in his shop on London Bridge amassed a considerable -wealth in the business. The jolly old man, instead of disdaining to -bestow the lovely and wealthy maid--his only child--on an apprentice, -exclaimed,-- - -"Jack Osborn won her, and Jack shall wear her." - -When Lord Bath vainly endeavored to effect a reconciliation between the -doctor and Garrick, who had fallen out, Monsey said,-- - -"Why will your lordship trouble yourself with the squabbles of a -merry-andrew and a _quack_ doctor?" - -Monsey continued his quarrel with Garrick up to the day of the death of -the great tragedian. The latter seldom retaliated, but when he did his -sarcasm cut to the bone. - -Garrick's style of satire may be inferred from his epigram on James Quin, -the celebrated actor, and illegitimate son of an Irishman, "whose wife -turned out a bigamist." When Garrick make his debut on the London stage, -at Godman's Fields playhouse, October 19, 1741, as "Richard the Third," -Quin objected to Garrick's original style, saying,-- - -"If this young fellow is right, myself and all the other actors are -wrong." - -Being told that the theatre was crowded to the dome nightly to hear the -new actor, Quin replied that "Garrick was a new religion; Whitefield was -followed for a time, but they would all come to church again." Hence -Garrick wrote the following epigram:-- - - "Pope Quin, who damns all churches but his own, - Complains that heresy infects the town; - That Whitefield-Garrick has misled the age, - And taints the sound religion of the stage. - 'Schism,' he cries, 'has turned the nation's brain, - But eyes will open, and to church again!' - Thou great Infallible, forbear to roar; - Thy bulls and errors are revered no more. - When doctrines meet with general approbation, - It is not _heresy_, but reformation." - -When confined to his bed in his last sickness, Garrick had the advice of -several of the best physicians, summoned to his villa near Hampton, and -Monsey, in bad taste and worse temper, wrote a satire on the occurrence. -He accused the actor of parsimony, among other mean qualities, and though, -after the death of Garrick, January 22, 1779, he destroyed the verses, -some portions of them got into print, of which the following is a -sample:-- - - "Seven wise doctors lately met - To save a wretched sinner. - 'Come, Tom,' said Jack, 'pray let's be quick, - Or we shall lose _our_ dinner.' - - "Some roared for rhubarb, jalap some, - And others cried for Dover;[3] - 'Let's give him something,' each one said, - 'And then let's give him over.'" - -At last, after much learned wrangling, one more learned than the others -proposed to arouse the energies of the dying man by jingling a purse of -gold in his ear. This suggestion was acted upon, and - - "Soon as the favorite sound he heard, - One faint effort he tried; - He oped his eyes, he scratched his head, - He gave one grasp--and died." - -Riding on horseback through Hyde Park, Monsey was accompanied by a Mr. -Robinson, a Trinitarian preacher, who knew that the doctor's religion was -of the Unitarian stamp. After deploring, in solemn tones, the corrupt -state of morals, etc., the minister turned to Monsey, and said,-- - -"And, doctor, I am addressing one who believes there is no God." - -"And I," replied Monsey, "one who believes there are _three_." - -[Illustration: HEALING THE SICK WITH A GOLDEN DOSE.] - -The good man, greatly shocked, put spurs to his horse, and, without -vouchsafing a "good day," rode away at a high gallop. - - -PEDAGOGUES TURNED OUT AS DOCTORS. - -Some of the hundreds of respectable medical practitioners of this -democratic country, who, between commencement and the following term, used -to lengthen out their scanty means by "teaching the young idea how to -shoot" in some far-off country village, will scarcely thank me for -introducing the above-named subject to their present notice. However, it -will depend somewhat upon the way they take it; whether, like Sir Davy, -they are ashamed of their "small beginnings," or, like Dr. Monsey, they -may independently snap their fingers in the face of their plebeian origin, -and boast of their earlier common efforts for a better foothold among the -great men of their generation. - -Among English physicians, with whom it was, and still is, counted a -disgrace to have been previously known in a more humble calling, we may -find a long list of "doctors pedagogic," beginning with Dr. John Bond, who -taught school until the age of forty, when he turned doctor. He was a man -of great learning, however, and became a successful physician. Even among -the good people of Taunton, where he had resided and labored as a -pedagogue in former years, he was esteemed as a "wise physician." - -John Arbuthnot was a "Scotch pedagogue." He was distinguished as a man of -letters and of wit; the associate of Pope and Swift, and of Bolingbroke; a -companion at the court of Queen Anne. - -Arbuthnot owed his social elevation to his quick wit, rare conversational -powers, and fascinating address, rather than to his family influence, -professional knowledge, or medical success. - -"Dorchester, where, as a young practitioner, he endeavored to establish -himself, utterly refused to give him a living; but it doubtless," says -Jeaffreson, "maintained more than one dull empiric in opulence. Failing to -get a living among the rustic boors, who could appreciate no effort of the -human voice but a fox-hunter's whoop, Arbuthnot packed up and went to -London." - -Poverty for a while haunted his door in London, and to keep the wolf away -he was compelled to resort to "the most hateful of all occupations--the -personal instruction of the ignorant." - -Arbuthnot was a brilliant writer as well as fluent talker, and by his -literary hit, "Examination of Dr. Woodward's Account of the Deluge," he -was soon brought into notice. By the merest accident and the greatest -fortune he was called to Prince George of Denmark, when his royal highness -was suddenly taken sick, and, as all who fell within the circle of his -magical private acquaintance were led to respect and love him, the doctor -was retained in the good graces of the prince. On the death of Dr. Hannes, -Arbuthnot received the appointment of physician-in-ordinary to the queen. - -The polished manner of the fortunate doctor, his handsome person, and -flattering, cordial seeming address, especially to ladies, made him a -court favorite. To retain the good graces of his royal patient, the queen, -"he adopted a tone of affection for her as an individual, as well as a -loyal devotion to her as a queen." His conversation, while it had the -semblance of the utmost frankness, was foaming over with flattery. - -"If the queen won't swallow my pills she will my flattery," he is said to -have whispered to his friend Swift; but this report is doubtful, as he -stood in fear of the displeasure of the querulous, crotchety, weak-minded -queen, who had but recently discharged Dr. Radcliffe for a slip of the -tongue, when at the coffee-house he had said she had the "_vapors_." - -"What is the hour?" asked the queen of Arbuthnot. - -"Whatever hour it may please your majesty," was his characteristic reply, -with his most winning smile and graceful obeisance. - -By this sort of flattery he retained his hold in the queen's favor till -her death. - -By these facts one is reminded of the saying of Oxenstierna, when, on -concluding the peace of Westphalia in 1648, he sent his young son John as -plenipotentiary to the powers on that occasion, remarking, in presence of -those who expressed their surprise thereat,-- - -"You do not know with how little wisdom men are governed." - -With the loss of the queen's patronage at her death, and his wine-loving -proclivities, Dr. Arbuthnot became sick and poor, and died in straitened -circumstances. - - -ANOTHER POOR PEDAGOGUE, - -Who reached the acme of medical fame, and became court physician, was Sir -Richard Blackmer. He surely ought not to have been called an ignoramus (by -Dr. Johnson), for he resided thirteen years in the University of Oxford. -After leaving Oxford, his extreme poverty compelled him to adopt the -profession of a schoolmaster. In the year 1700 there were collected -upwards of forty sets of ribald verses, under the title of "Commendary -Verses, or the Author of Two Arthurs, and Satyr against Wit;" in which Sir -Richard was taunted with his earlier poverty, and of having been a -pedagogue! - -Every man has his advertisement and his advertisers. The poets and -lampooners were Blackmer's. They assisted in bringing him into notoriety. -Among them were Pope, Steele, and the obscene Dr. Garth. While the authors -of those filthy, licentious productions (which no bar-maid or -kitchen-scullion at this day could read without blushing behind her pots -and kettles) were flattering themselves that they were injuring the -honest doctor, they were bringing him daily into the notice of better men -than themselves, and heaping ignominy upon the authors of such vile -lampoons. - -One satire opened thus:-- - - "By nature meant, by want a pedant made, - Blackmer at first professed the whipping trade. - - * * * * * - - In vain his pills as well as birch he tried; - His boys grew blockheads, and his patients died." - -Mr. Jeaffreson says, "the same dull sarcasms about killing patients and -whipping boys into blockheads are repeated over and again; and as if to -show, with the greatest possible force, the pitch to which the evil of the -times had risen, the coarsest and most disgusting of all these lampoon -writers was a lady of rank,--the Countess of Sandwich!" - -Wouldn't a young Harvard or Yale medical graduate, without money, friends, -or a practice, leap for joy with the knowledge that he had two-score -_disinterested_ writers advertising him into universal notice, since it is -considered a burning disgrace for an honorable, upright, and educated -physician to advertise himself! - -Of course Sir Richard rose, in spite of his foes, to whom he seldom -replied. He says, in one of his own works, "I am but a hard-working -doctor, spending my days in coffee-houses (where physicians were wont to -receive apothecaries, and, hearing the cases of their patients, prescribe -for them without seeing them, at half price), receiving apothecaries, or -driving over the stones in my carriage, visiting my patients." - -The honest, upright man who rises from nothing, and continues to ascend -right in the teeth of immense opposition from his enemies, seldom relapses -into obscurity in after life. Though Dr. Blackmer failed as a poet, he -died esteemed as an honest man, a consistent Christian, and an excellent -physician. - - -A WEAVER AND A QUAKER BOY. - -Many cases might be instanced of weavers becoming physicians, but let one -suffice. John Sutcliffe, a Yorkshire weaver, with no early educational -advantages, and with the broadest provincial dialect, became a respectable -apothecary, and subsequently a first-class medical practitioner. He rose -entirely by his own integrity, frugality, industry, and intelligence. - -Amongst his apprentices was Dr. John Coakley Lettsom, whose name must ever -rank high as a literary man, and a benevolent and successful physician. -Lettsom was born in the West Indies, and was a Quaker. The place under the -Yorkshire apothecary was secured for the boy by Mr. Fothergill, a Quaker -minister of Warrington, England. - -A senior drug clerk informed the rustic inhabitants of the arrival of a -Quaker from a far off county, where the people were _antipodes_,--whose -feet were in a position exactly opposite to those of the English. Having -well circulated this startling information, the merry clerk and -fellow-apprentices laid back to enjoy the joke all by themselves. - -The very day the new apprentice entered upon his duties, the apothecary -shop became haunted by an immense and curious crowd of gaping rustics, old -and young, male and female, to see the wonderful Quaker who was accustomed -to walking on his head! - -Day after day the curious peasants came and went, and if the astonished -Sutcliffe closed his doors against the unprofitable rabble, they peered in -at his windows, or hung about the entrances, hoping to see the remarkable -phenomenon issue forth. But as the day of "walking off on his ear" had not -then arrived, they were doomed to disappointment and lost faith in his -ability to do what they had expected of him. - - -JOHN RADCLIFFE. - -John Radcliffe, the humbug, "the physician without learning," was the son -of a Yorkshire yeoman. When he had risen to intimacy with the leading -nobility of London,--as he did by his "shrewdness, arrogant simplicity, -and immeasurable insolence,"--he laid claim to aristocratic origin. The -Earl of Derwenter recognized _Sir_ John as a kinsman; but the heralds -interfered with the little "corner" of the doctor and earl, after -Radcliffe's decease, by admonishing the University of Oxford not to erect -any escutcheon over his plebeian monument. - -Of Radcliffe's success in getting patronage we have spoken in another -chapter. Doubtless he, Dr. Hannes, and Dr. Mead all resorted to the same -sharp tricks, of which they accused each other by turns, in order to gain -notoriety and practice. - -DR. EDWARD HANNES was reputed a "_basket-maker_." At least, his father -followed that humble calling. Of the son's earlier life little is known. -About the year 168-, he burst upon the London aristocracy with a -magnificent equipage, consisting of coach and four, and handsome liveried -servants and coachmen. - -These were _his_ advertisements, and he soon rode into a splendid -practice, notwithstanding Radcliffe's contrary prognostication. - -Dr. Hannes and Dr. Blackmer, being called to attend upon the young Duke of -Gloucester, and the disease taking a fatal turn, Sir John Radcliffe was -also called to examine into the case. Radcliffe could not forego the -opportunity here offered to lash his rivals, and turning to them in the -presence of the royal household, he said,-- - -"It would have been happy for the nation had you, sir (to Hannes), been -bred a basket-maker, and you, sir (to Blackmer), remained a country -schoolmaster, rather than have ventured out of your reach in the practice -of an art to which you are an utter stranger, and for your blunders in -which you ought to be whipped with one of your own rods." - -As the case was simply one of rash, none of them had much to boast of. - - -A HORSE DOCTOR. - -There have been, and still are, thousands in the various walks of life, -who, at some period, have attempted the practice of medicine. Among the -hundreds whom our colleges "grind out" annually, not more than one in -twenty succeeds in medical practice so far as to gain any eminence, or the -competence of a common laborer. - -MARAT WAS A HORSE DOCTOR. - -The most remarkable thing respecting this noted man occurred at his birth. -_He was born triplets!_ - -Yes, though "born of parents entirely unknown to history," three different -places have claimed themselves, or been claimed, as his birthplace. - -Before his energies became perverted to political aims, he had endeavored -to rise, by his own talent and energies, through the sciences. - -The year 1789 found him in the position of veterinary surgeon to the Count -d'Artois, thoroughly disgusted with his failure to rise in society with -the "quacks," as he termed them, "of the Corps Scientifique." - -Miss Muehlbach, in her "_Maria Antoinette and her Son_," presents Marat in -conversation with the cobbler, Simon, as follows:-- - -"The cobbler quickly turned round to confront the questioner. He saw, -standing by his side, a little, remarkably crooked and dwarfed young man, -whose unnaturally large head was set upon narrow, depressed shoulders, and -whose whole (ludicrous) appearance made such an impression upon the -cobbler that he laughed outright. - -"'Not beautiful, am I?' asked the stranger, who tried to join in the laugh -with the cobbler, but the result was a mere grimace; which made his -unnaturally large mouth extend from ear to ear, displaying two fearful -rows of long, greenish teeth. 'Not beautiful at all, am I? Dreadful ugly!' - -"'You are somewhat remarkable, at least,' replied the cobbler. 'If I did -not hear you speak French, and see you standing upright, I should think -you the monstrous toad in the fable.' - -"'I am the monstrous toad of the fable. I have merely disguised myself -to-day as a man, in order to look at this Austrian woman and her brood.' - -"'Where do you live, and what is your name, sir?' asked the cobbler, with -glowing curiosity. - -"'I live in the stables of the Count d'Artois, and my name is Jean Paul -Marat.' - -"'In the stable!' cried the cobbler. 'My faith, I had not supposed you a -hostler or a coachman. It must be a funny sight, M. Marat, to see _you_ -mounted upon a horse.' - -"'You think that such a big toad does not belong there exactly. Well, you -are right, brother Simon. My real business is not at all with the horses, -but with the men of the stable. I am the horse doctor of the Count -d'Artois, and I can assure you that I am a tolerably skilful doctor.'" - -We do not quote the above author as reliable authority in personal -descriptions, beyond the "shrugging of shoulders," which habit she -attributes to all of her characters (_vide_ "Napoleon and Queen Louisa," -where she uses the phrase some twenty-three times). - -At the time of his assuming the dictatorship, he resided in most squalid -apartments, situated in one of the lowest back streets of Paris, in -criminal intimacy with the wife of his printer.... He sold their bed to -get money to bring out the first number of his journal, and lived in -extreme poverty at a time when he could have become immensely rich by -selling his silence. - -The death of this wretch was hastened only a few days by his -assassination, for he was already consumed by a disgusting disease, and it -is melancholy to add that he was adored after his death, and his remains -deposited in the Pantheon with national honors, and an altar erected to -his memory in the club of the Cordeliers. - -"I killed one man to save a hundred thousand!" exclaimed the magnificent -Charlotte Corday to her judges; "a villain to save innocents, a furious -wild beast, to give repose to my country!" Thus the "horse doctor" -ignominiously perished at the hands of a woman,--a woman who immortalized -herself by killing a "villain." - - -PETER PINDAR, THE PREACHER. - -We find many cases where ministers have turned doctors, and _vice versa_. - -"PETER PINDAR" is here worthy of a passing notice. His true name was -Wolcot. Descended from a family of doctors for several generations, he -nevertheless himself failed to gain a living practice. - -When King George III. sent Sir William Trelawney out as governor of -Jamaica, about 1760, he took young Dr. Wolcot with him, who acted in the -treble capacity of physician, private secretary, and chaplain to the -governor's household. Dr. Wolcot's professional knowledge had been -acquired somewhat "irregularly," and it is very doubtful whether he ever -received ordination at the hands of the bishops. - -It is true, however, that he acted as rector for the colony, reading -prayers and preaching whenever a congregation of ten presented itself, -which occurred only semi-occasionally. - -The doctor was fond of shooting, and 'tis gravely reported that he and his -clerk used to amuse themselves on the way to church by shooting pigeons -and other wild game, with which the wood abounded. Having shot their way -to the sacred edifice, the merry parson and jolly clerk would wait ten -minutes for the congregation to convene, and if, at the expiration of that -time, the quota had not arrived, the few were dismissed with a blessing, -and the pair shot their way back home. If but a few negroes presented -themselves, the rector ordered his clerk to give them a bit of silver, -with which to buy them off. - -[Illustration: THE PARSON BUYING OFF THE "CONGREGATION."] - -One old negro, more cunning than the rest, and who discovered that the -parson's interest was rather in the discharge of his fowling-piece than -the discharge of his priestly duties, used to present himself punctually -every Sunday at church. - -"What brings you here, blackie?" asked the parson. - -"To hear de prayer for sinners, and de sarmon, masser." - -"Wouldn't a _bit_ or two serve you as well?" asked the rector, with a -wink. - -"Well, masser, dis chile lub de good sarmon ob yer rev'rence, but dis time -de money might do," was the reply, with a significant scratch of his -woolly head. - -The parson would then pay the price, the negro would grin his thanks, and, -chuckling to himself, retire; and for a year or more this sort of -_black_-mailing was continued. - -Tiring of _acting_ as priest, Wolcot returned to London, and vainly -endeavored to establish himself in practice. Neither preaching nor -practising physic was his forte, and he resorted to the pen. Here he -discovered his genius. Adopting the _nom de plume_ of "Peter Pindar," he -became famous as a political satirist, and the author of numerous popular -works. He died in London in 1819. Wolcot possessed a kindly heart, and a -benevolence deeper than his pockets. - - -POLICEMEN AS DOCTORS AND SURGEONS. - -Some very laughable scenes, as well as very touching and painful ones, -might be recorded, had we space, where policemen have necessarily been -unceremoniously summoned to act as physician or surgeon in absence of a -"regular." - -In Portland, the police have to turn their hand to most everything. -Circumstances beyond his control compelled one Mr. J. S. to act the part -of midwife to a strapping Irish woman at the station-house, one evening, -he being the sole "committee of reception" to a bouncing baby that came -along somewhat precipitately. The account, which is well authenticated, -closes by saying,-- - -"Mother, baby, and officer are doing as well as can be expected!" - -We have seen the "officer." He did better than was "expected." - -The writer was on a Fulton ferry boat in the winter of 1857, when a -similar scene occurred. A German woman was taken in pain. A whisper was -passed to a female passenger; a policeman was summoned from outside the -ladies' (?) cabin; the male occupants were ejected,--even myself and -another medical student, and the husband of the patient. The latter -remonstrated, and demonstrated his objection to the momentary separation -by beating and shouting at the saloon door. - -"Katharina! Katharina!" he shouted, "keep up a steef upper lips!" - -This roaring attracted nearly all the men from the opposite side of the -boat, who crowded around him and the door, to learn the cause of the -Teutonic demonstrations of alternate fear, anger, and encouragement. - -"Got in himmel! Vere you leefs ven you's t' home? Vich a man can't come -mit his vife, altogedder? Hopen de door, unt I preaks him mit mine feest; -don't it?" So he kept on, alternately cursing the policeman and -encouraging "Katharina," till we reached the Brooklyn side, and left the -ferry boat. - -[Illustration] - - - - -V. - -WOMAN AS PHYSICIAN. - - "Angel of Patience! sent to calm - Our feverish brow with cooling palm; - To lay the storm of hope and fears, - And reconcile life's smile and tears; - The throb of wounded pride to still, - And make our own our Father's will."--WHITTIER. - - HER "MISSION."--NO PLACE IN MEDICAL HISTORY.--ONE OF THEM.--MRS. - STEPHENS.--"CRAZY SALLY."--RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS.--RUNS IN THE - FAMILY.--ANECDOTES.--"WHICH GOT THRASHED?"--A WRETCHED END.--AMERICAN - FEMALE PHYSICIANS.--A PIONEER.--A LAUGHABLE ANECDOTE.--"THREE WISE - MEN."--"A SHORT HORSE," ETC.--BOSTON AND NEW YORK FEMALE DOCTORS.--A - STORY.--"LOVE AND THOROUGHWORT."--A GAY BEAU.--UP THE - PENOBSCOT.--DYING FOR LOVE.--"IS HE MAD?"--THOROUGHWORT WINS. - - -"From the earliest ages the care of the sick has devolved on woman. A -group by one of our sculptors, representing Eve with the body of Abel -stretched upon her lap, bending over him in bewildered grief, and striving -to restore the vital spirit which she can hardly believe to have departed, -is a type of the province of the sex ever since pain and death entered the -world. - -"To be first the vehicle for human life, and then its devoted guardian; to -remove or alleviate the physical evils which afflict the race, or to watch -their wasting, and tenderly care for all that remains when they have -wrought their result--this is her divinely appointed and universally -conceded mission. - -"Were she to refuse it, to forsake her station beside the suffering, the -office of medicine and the efforts of the physician would be more than -half baffled. And yet, where her post is avowedly so important, she has -generally been denied the liberty of understanding much that is involved -in its intelligent occupancy. With the human body so largely in her charge -from birth to death, she is not allowed to inquire into its marvellous -mechanism. With the administering of remedies intrusted to her vigilance -and faithfulness, she has not been allowed to investigate the qualities, -or even know the names or the operations of those substances committed to -her use. To be a student with scientific thoroughness, and to practise -independently with what she has thus acquired, has been regarded as -unseemly, or as beyond her capacity, or as an invasion of prerogatives -claimed exclusively for men. - -"Indeed, the whole domain of medicine has been '_pre-empted_' by men, and -in their '_squatter sovereignty_' they have sturdily warned off the -gentler sex."--Rev. H. B. Elliot, in "_Eminent Women of the Age_." - -It seems to my mind, and ought to every thinking mind, to be ridiculously -absurd that "man born of woman" should set up his authority against woman -understanding "herself." "Man, know thyself," is stereotyped, but if it -ever was put in type form for "woman to know herself," it has long since -been "_pied_." - -"Search the Scriptures," and you would never mistrust that "eternal life," -or any other life, came, or existed a day, through woman. Mythological -writers, who come next to scriptural, give woman no credit in medical -science. We will except Hygeia, the goddess of health, the fabled daughter -of AEsculapius. In the _medical_ history of no country does she occupy any -prominence. There were "Witches," "Enchantresses," "Wise Women," -"Fortune-tellers," who in every age have existed to no small extent, and -under various names have figured in the histories of all nations, -receiving the countenance of prince and beggar--but females as physicians, -_as a class_, have never been recognized by nations or governments, or -scarcely by communities or individuals. - -In searching the memorials of English authors for two hundred years past, -we can find but little to disprove the above assertions. In Mr. -Jeaffreson's "Book of Doctors," the author fails to find memorials of -their actions, as female physicians, sufficient to fill a single chapter; -and those of whom he has made mention, he discourses of mostly in a -ridiculous light, as though entirely out of their sphere, or as being of -the coarser sort, and questions "if two score could be rescued from -oblivion whom our ancestors intrusted with the care of their invalid wives -and children." - -In this connection, let us briefly mention such as are better known in -English literature, as doctresses especially as mentioned by Mr. -Jeaffreson. - -Two ladies, who are immortalized in "Philosophical Transactions for 1694," -were Sarah Hastings and Mrs. French. Another, who received the support of -bishops, dukes, lords, countesses, etc., in 1738-9, was Mrs. Joanna -Stephens, "an ignorant and vulgar creature." After enriching herself by -her specifics, consisting of a "pill, a powder and a decoction," she -bamboozled the English Parliament into purchasing the secret, for the -(then) enormous sum of L5000. "The Powder consists of _eggshells_ and -_snails_, both calcined." - -"The decoction is made by boiling together Alicant _soap_, swine's-cresses -burnt to a blackness, honey, camomile, fennel, parsley, and burdock -leaves." "The pill consists of snails, wild carrot and burdock seeds, -ashen keys, hips, and haws, all burnt to a blackness; soap and honey." - -When we take into consideration the fact that there were no "medical -schools for females," at that day, nor until within the last ten or twelve -years, that every female applicant was rejected by the medical colleges of -England, and that all female practitioners were held in disrepute by both -physician and the public, the above repulsive remedies may not so greatly -excite our surprise. - - -"CRAZY SALLY." - -The most remarkable woman doctor made mention of in English literature, -was Mrs. Mapp, _nee_ Sally Wallin. We have collected these facts -respecting her origin, character, and career, from _Chambers' Miscellany_ -and the _Gentlemen's Magazine_, 1736-7. Hogarth has immortalized her in -his "Undertaker's arms." She is placed at the top of that picture, between -Josh Ward, the _Pill_ doctor, and Chevalier Taylor, the quack oculist. -(See page 668.) - -She was born in Weltshire, in 169-. Her father was a "bone-setter," which -occupation "run in the family," like that of the Sweets, of Connecticut, -or like the marine whom Mrs. Mapp saw one day, as she, in her carriage, -was driving "along the Strand, O." - -Said sailor having a wooden leg, the doctress asked, "How does it happen, -fellow, that you've a wooden leg." - -"O, easy enough, madam; my father had one before me. It sort o' runs in -the family, marm," was the laconic reply. From a barefooted school-girl at -Weltshire, where Sally obtained barely the rudiments of a common -education, she became her father's assistant in bone-setting and -manipulating. - -The next we hear of Miss Wallin, is at Epsom, where she became known as -"Crazy Sally." She has been described as a "very coarse, large, vulgar, -illiterate, drunken, bawling woman," "known as a haunter of fairs, about -which she loved to reel, screaming and abusive, in a state of roaring -intoxication." - -It is astonishing as true, that this unattractive specimen of the female -sex became so esteemed in Epsom, where she set up as a physician, that the -town offered her L100 to remain there a year! The newspapers sounded her -praise, the gentry, even, lauded her skill, and physicians witnessed her -operations. - -"Crazy Sally" awoke one morning and found herself famous. Patients of rank -and wealth flocked from every quarter. Attracted by her success and her -accumulating wealth, rather than by her _beauty_ or _amiable_ disposition, -an Epsom swain made her an offer of marriage, which she, like a woman, -accepted. This fellow's name was Mapp, who lived with her but for a -fortnight, during which time he "thrashed her" (or she him, it is not just -clear which) "three times," and appropriating all of her spare change, -amounting to five hundred dollars, he took to himself one half of the -world, and quietly left her the other. Our informant adds, "She found -consolation for her wounded affections in the homage of the world. She -became a notoriety of the first water; every day the public journals gave -some interesting account of her, and her remarkable operations." - -The _Grub Street Journal_ of that period said, "The remarkable cures of -the woman bone-setter, Mrs. Mapp, are too numerous to enumerate. Her -bandages are extraordinarily neat, and her dexterity in reducing -dislocations and fractures most wonderful. She has cured persons who have -been twenty years disabled." Her patients were both male and female. Some -of her most difficult operations were performed before physicians of -eminence. - -Her carriage was splendid, on the panels of which were emblazoned her coat -of arms. Regularly every week she visited London in this magnificent -chariot drawn by four superb, cream-white horses, attended by servants, -arrayed in gorgeous liveries. She put up at the Grecian Coffee-House, and -forthwith her rooms would be thronged by invalids. - -Notices of her were not always of the most complimentary sort. Being one -day detained by a cart of coal that was unloading in a narrow street of -the metropolis, on which occasion she was arrayed in a loosely fitting -robe-de-chambre, with large flowing sleeves, which set off her massive -proportion most conspicuously, she let down the windows of her carriage, -and leaning her bare arms upon the door, she impatiently exclaimed,-- - -"Fellow, how dare you detain a lady of rank thus?" - -"A lady of rank!" sneered the coal-man. - -"Yes, you villain!" screamed the enraged doctress. "Don't you observe the -arms of Mrs. Mapp on the carriage?" - -[Illustration: "DON'T YOU OBSERVE THE ARMS OF MRS. MAPP?"] - -"Yes--I _do_ see the arms," replied the impudent fellow, "and a pair of -durned coarse ones they are, to be sure." - -On another occasion she was riding up Old Kent Road, dressed as above -described. "Her obesity, immodest attire, intoxication, and dazzling -equipage were, in the eyes of the mob, so sure signs of royalty, that she -was taken for a court lady, of German origin, and of unpopular repute. The -crowd gathered about her carriage, and with oaths and yells were about to -demolish the windows with clubs and stones, when the nowise alarmed -occupant, like Nellie Gwynn, on a similar occasion, rose in her seat, -and, with imprecations more emphatic than polite, exclaimed,-- - -"---- you! Don't you know who I am? I am Mrs. Sally Mapp, the celebrated -bone-setter of Epsom!" - -"This brief address so tickled the humor of the rabble that the lady was -permitted to proceed on her way, amid deafening acclamations and -laughter." - -This famous woman's career may be likened to a rocket. She flashed before -the people as suddenly, ascended as brilliantly to the zenith of fame, and -fell like the burned, blackened stick. - -Mrs. Mapp spent her last days in poverty, wretchedness, and obscurity, at -"Seven Dials," where she died almost unattended, on the night of December -22, 1737. Her demise was thus briefly announced in the journals:-- - -"Died at her lodgings, near Seven Dials, last week, Mrs. Mapp, the once -much-talked-of bone-setter of Epsom, so wretchedly poor that the parish -was obliged to bury her." - -Mr. Jeaffreson makes mention of two more "female doctors;" one an honest -widow, mother of "Chevalier Taylor," who, at Norwich, carried on a -respectable business as an apothecary and doctress, and Mrs. Colonel -Blood, who, at Romford, supported herself and son by keeping an apothecary -shop. - - -AMERICAN FEMALE PHYSICIANS. - -Perhaps English authors and English readers may be satisfied to allow the -above meagre and unenviable array of pretenders to stand on record as the -representatives of "female doctors" in their liberal and enlightened -country! Americans can boast of a better representative. - -While England claims a "Female Medical Society," and one "Female Medical -College," the United States has several of the former, and three regularly -chartered "Female Medical Colleges." In a recent announcement of the -English college, it claims fifty students, "but the aim of the whole -movement is at present only to furnish competent midwives." - -The "Maternity Hospital," of Paris (which existed long before the late -Franco-Prussian war, but which we can learn nothing of since the fall of -that once beautiful city), "afforded some opportunity for observation, -receiving females nominally as students, but they were not allowed to -prescribe in the wards, nor were they instructed in regard to the use and -properties of the remedies there prescribed. Indeed, they can hardly rise -above the position of proficient nurses," says our informant. - -Some few medical colleges of the United States are admitting females on -the same footing as the heretofore more favored "lords of creation." - -A female college has been in existence in Philadelphia for above twenty -years. The "New England Female Medical College" was chartered in 1856; but -the "regular" colleges, as Yale, Harvard, etc., refuse all female -applicants. - -New York has been more liberal towards the gentler sex. At Geneva, -Rochester, Syracuse, and elsewhere, as early as 1849-50, medical schools -of the more liberal sort, but of undoubted respectability and legal -charters, opened their doors to female students. In 1869 the New York -Female Medical College was chartered, since which time more than two -hundred ladies have therein received medical instruction. - -In all the principal cities of the Union may be found from one to a dozen -respectably educated and successful female practitioners, who have -attained to some eminence in spite of the opposition of the "faculty," and -the ignorant prejudices of the common people. - -It is surprising how early and persistently some men forget that they were -"born of woman!" Their contempt of the capabilities of womankind would -lead one to suppose them to be ashamed of their own mothers. Mark Twain's -facetious but instructive speech, once delivered before an editorial -gathering in Boston, ought to be rehearsed to them daily; yes, and -enforced by petticoat government upon their notice till it became -stereotyped into their stupid brains. Mark says, - -"What, sir, would the peoples of the earth be without woman? They would be -scarce, sir,--almighty scarce! (Laughter.) Then let us cherish her; let us -protect her; let us give her our support, our encouragement, our -sympathy,--our--selves, if we get a chance. - -"But, jesting aside, Mr. President, woman is gracious, lovable, kind of -heart, beautiful, worthy of all respect, of all esteem, of all deference. -Not any here will refuse to drink her health right cordially, for each and -every one of us has personally known, and loved, and honored the very best -of them all,--_his own mother_!" - -Sarah B. Chase, M. D., a respectable and successful female physician of -Ohio, gives the following excellent advice:-- - -"I would not encourage any woman to study medicine, with the expectation -of practising, who is not ready and willing--ay, _anxious_ and -_determined_--to go through the same severe drill of preparation, the same -thorough discipline, as is required of man before he is crowned with the -honors of an M. D." - - -A FEMALE PIONEER. - -Among the first successful female physicians of Boston, where she was born -in 1805, is Harriot K. Hunt, M. D. Her father was a shipping merchant, -who, by honesty and uprightness died comparatively poor, for riches are -not always to the upright. Her mother is described by Rev. H. B. Elliot, -"as one possessing a mind of remarkable qualities, argumentative, -practical, independent, and, withal, abounding in tenderness and genial -brightness." In 1830 we find Miss Hunt not only thrown upon her resources -for her own livelihood (her father having left but barely the house that -gave them shelter to be called their own), but the support and care of an -only and invalid sister, somewhat her junior, were also entirely dependent -upon her labors. As a school teacher she met the former, as a student and -nurse she finally surmounted the latter. "What! more pedagogues turned -doctors?" - -After nearly three years' employment of various physicians on the part of -the elder sister, and the extreme suffering from the "distressing and -complicated disease," and, what was worse, the "severest forms of -prescriptions of the old school of physic" for the same time by the -younger sister, the Misses Hunt were led to investigate for themselves. -They purchased medical works, which they read early and late. - -In 1833 Harriot leased her house, and entered the office of a doctress, -Mrs. Mott by name, in the double capacity of secretary and student. The -younger sister became a patient of Mrs. Mott's. The husband of Mrs. Mott -was an English physician, who, with his wife to attend the female portion -of his patients, had established himself in Boston. Mrs. Mott was without -a thorough medical education. "She made extravagant claims to medical -skill in the treatment of cases regarded as hopeless." In 1835 Dr. Mott -died, and Mrs. Mott returned to England. Under the treatment of the latter -the invalid sister had so much improved in health as to be able to "walk -the streets for the first time in three years;" yet where is the "old -school doctor," or the veriest charlatan, that would give her the credit -she so seemingly deserved in this case. Both were her opponents. Even the -students of the neighboring medical school were "pitted against her." The -old adage respecting his Satanic majesty having the credit due him, did -not seem to apply to her case. But Mrs. Mott was more than a match for -their cunning, if not for their scientific theorizings, as the following -anecdote will show. - -"Three wise men of Gotham," that amiable lady, Mrs. Goose, tells us, -"went to sea in a bowl; and had the bowl been stronger, my song would have -been longer." This has its parallel in the three wise students of H----, -who laid their wise heads together, and went to _see_--Mrs. Mott, the -doctress, of Hanover Street. One was to pretend that he had some peculiar -disease, for which he, with his anxious friends, wished to consult the -"wise woman." They entered the doctor's office, and demanded to see the -doctress. This was an open insult to the woman, as she only gave her -attention to females and children. Nevertheless, Mrs. Mott, whose -olfactory nerves were not so obtuse as to prevent her from distinguishing -the aroma of that peculiar little animal quadruped of the genus _Mus_, -obeyed the summons, and entered the presence of the three wise -AEsculapians. - -Now the fun began. Not the fun that _was to be_ at the expense of the -"ignorant old female quack," however. - -One of the gentlemen arose, and after a profound bow, began, with some -embarrassment, to state his case. - -"But wait just a moment," the doctress interrupted. "You intimate that it -is a _peculiar_ case. My fee for consultation in such cases is _three -dollars_. Please hand over the money, and proceed." - -This was an unexpected demand. They had thought to have a little fun, -expose the woman's ignorance, and have a "huge thing" to tell to their -class-fellows, _and not pay for it_! Mrs. Mott was a woman, but she -possessed powerful magnetic influence, and held fast to the point, viz., -her fee for consultation; and to the chagrin of the patient (?), and the -astonishment of his chums, the three dollars were paid over to the -doctress. - -"Now, sir, you will please state your case," said the lady, pocketing the -fee, adjusting her eye-glasses, and seating herself for a consultation. - -"Yes. Well--it is a--a peculiar case," stammered the patient. - -"You have informed me of that point before. Please proceed," remarked the -doctress with great complacency to the embarrassed fellow. - -"It's a delicate case," he blushingly replied. - -"O, indeed; then step into this private consulting room;" and arising, she -led the way to an inner office, where the young man involuntarily -followed, greatly to the amusement of the two remaining students, who -remarked, "It is getting blamed hot for us here." - -[Illustration: THREE WISE STUDENTS CONSULTING A DOCTRESS.] - -In a moment, the invalid--greatly improved, one might judge, from his -agility,--rushed from the private sanctum with a bound, grasped his hat -from the table, exclaiming, "Come on, for God's sake!" and rushed from the -house, followed by his now thoroughly affrighted companions. - -"What's the matter? What did the old tarantula say to you?" demanded the -young man's chums, when well outside of the web into which they had so -impudently intruded themselves. - -"Don't you ever ask me," he vociferated. "A ---- pretty mess you got me -into. But if either of you ever again mistake that old woman for a fool, I -hope to God she'll take you into her private consulting room." - -But to return to Miss Hunt and her sister. In 1855 or '56 the sisters -opened an office in Boston. As with all young physicians without "dead -men's shoes," professional support, or wealthy and influential friends to -back them, patients gathered slowly at first, but with a steady increase, -the care of whom soon devolved entirely upon Harriot, as her sister -married, and retired from practice. - -In 1847 she had an extensive practice among a wealthy and influential -class of people, which many an older physician of the sterner sex might -envy. With a large practical knowledge, acquired in twelve years' -experience, she applied to Harvard College for permission to attend a -course of medical lectures. She was refused admission. In 1850 she again -applied. The officers consented this time, but the students offered such -objections to the admission of females into their presence, that Miss Hunt -generously declined to avail herself of the long-coveted opportunity. - -"The Female Medical College," at Philadelphia, in 1853, granted Miss Hunt -an honorary degree.... She is now in the midst of an extensive practice. -Miss Hunt has lived a glorious, self-denying life, upholding her sister -co-laborers, and the "dignity of the profession," never demeaning herself -by stooping to sell her knowledge, by any of those disreputable practices -that mark the avaricious M. D., the charlatan, the parasites, and the -leeches of the profession, both male and female. - -Among eighty-five "female physicians" (?) of Boston, eighteen claim to be -graduates of some college. We know of several who deserve a favorable -mention here, but present limits will not admit. - - -NEW YORK FEMALE DOCTORS. - -In New York city there are upwards of two hundred so-called "female -physicians," about eighty per cent. of whom, according to the best -authority,--police reports, etc.,--subsist by _vampirism_! Here, in this -chapter, I shall mention a few of the really meritorious ones, reserving -the large majority to be "shown up" under the various chapters as -"fortune-tellers," "clairvoyants," and "astrologers." - -The subject of the following imperfect, because brief, sketch,--MRS. C. S. -LOZIER, M. D.,--late of New York city, was born in Plainfield, New Jersey, -in 1813. Her maiden name was Clemence S. Harned. Her father was a farmer -by occupation, and a member of the Methodist church. Her amiable and -excellent mother was a Quakeress. "Why should Mrs. Lozier, a gentle, -modest, unambitious, home-loving woman, have chosen the calling of a -physician?" asks her biographer. My answer would be, "She was a creature -of circumstances." Another, in view of the facts to be related, would say, -"_It was her destiny_." - -The valuable information which Mrs. Lozier gained, as a Quakeress, amongst -that herbalistic people with which she was early associated, with study -and practical observation enabled her to "act efficiently as a nurse and -attendant upon the sick and afflicted of the neighborhood." - -The elder brother of Miss Clemence, William Harned, was a physician, as -also were two of her cousins. In 1830 she was married to Mr. Lozier, and -removed to New York. Her husband's health failing, and having no other -support, Mrs. Lozier opened a select school, which she kept successfully -till after the death of Mr. Lozier, in 1837. - -"During this period she read medicine with her brother. When her pupils -were sick, she would generally be called in before a physician. She also -was connected with the 'Moral Reform Society,' with Mrs. Margaret Pryor, -and visited the sick and abandoned, often prescribing for them in -sickness." - -Mrs. Lozier graduated at the Eclectic College, of Syracuse, in 1853, -having attended her first course of lectures at the Central College, -Rochester. From that time until her death, in 1870, she continued to -minister to the sick and afflicted in the city of New York. - -At the commencement of this article we stated that Mrs. Lozier was a -modest woman. This she continued to be to the end. Those leading -physicians who often met her in consultation, with the thousands of -patients who from time to time have been under her treatment, the students -before whom she lectured during several years, the numerous friends who -thronged her parlors, and the Christian professors with whom she -mingled,--all, _all_ testify to this fact. "She denied both the expediency -and practicability of mingling the sexes" in deriving a medical education. -"Woman physician for women," was her motto. It was not always possible for -her to refuse to prescribe for male patients, as many can testify. The -efforts of some, far down in the scale of life, to connect the name of -Mrs. Lozier with those disreputable practices by which the majority of -female physicians--the parasites of the profession--subsist, yea, even -gain a competence, in this city, and, consequently, -_respectability_,--"for gold buys friends,"--have utterly failed, and her -_name_ to-day, as it ever will, stands out boldly as belonging to one who -was a self-denying, God-fearing, honorable, and successful female -practitioner. - -Mrs. Lozier is said to have been a skilful surgeon, "having performed -upwards of one hundred and twenty capital operations." In 1867-8 Mrs. L. -visited Europe, where she was received with great marks of esteem by -eminent men, and admitted to the hospitals. - -Her son, Dr. A. W. Lozier, is in practice in New York city. - - -DOCTORS ELIZABETH AND EMILY BLACKWELL. - -The first female who received a medical diploma from any college in the -United States was Miss Elizabeth Blackwell. - -This lady, who now stands only second in years of experience to Miss Hunt, -of Boston, and second to no female in medical knowledge and usefulness, -came to this country from England in 1831, when she was ten years of age. -[A lady, of whom I made some inquiries respecting the above, assured me -"it was only those females who were eligible as nurses, or prospective -widowhood, which would make them eligible, were desirous of concealing -their true age."] - -Being persuaded that her "mission" was to heal the sick, Miss Elizabeth -applied, by writing, to six different physicians for advice as to the best -means to obtain an education, and received from all the reply that it was -"impracticable," utterly impossible, for a female to obtain a medical -education; "the proposition eccentric," "Utopian," etc. - -It required just this sort of opposition to draw out the true character, -and arouse the hidden abilities of such women as the Misses Blackwell. - -Elizabeth, while supporting herself by giving music lessons in Charleston, -S. C., received regular medical instruction from S. H. Dixon, M. D., a -gentleman and scholar, well known to the entire profession of two -continents; also from Drs. John Dixon, Allen, and Warrington, the two -latter in Philadelphia. Being considered by these gentlemen competent, -Miss Blackwell applied to the medical schools of Philadelphia and New York -for admission as a medical student, by all of which she was rejected -"because she was a female." Finally she gained admission to the College at -Geneva, N. Y., and graduated in 1848. Are the _males_ the only -"oppressors" of the gentler sex? No, no; woman is woman's own worst enemy. - -Miss Blackwell was two years in Geneva, and so violent was the opposition -of _her own sex_, that no lady in Geneva would make her acquaintance while -there. "Common civilities at the table, even, were denied me." Entirely -different was the treatment which she received at the hands of the -students and professors of the college. "Here she found nothing but -friendliness and decorum, and, on the eve of her graduation, the -cordiality of the students in making way for her to receive her diploma, -and pleasantly indicating their congratulations, was marked and -respectful." - -The following morning her parlor was thronged with ladies. - -Miss Elizabeth Blackwell visited London and Paris, and was entered as -student at St. Bartholomew's, and also at "_La Maternite_" (The -Maternity). - -She returned to New York, and, notwithstanding "she found a blank wall of -social and professional antagonism facing the woman physician, which -formed a situation of singular loneliness, leaving her without support, -respect, or counsel," she gained a foothold, and a respectable and living -practice soon began to flow in and crown her persistent efforts. - -Now her sister Emily commenced the study of medicine, first with -Elizabeth, subsequently with Dr. Davis, of Cincinnati Medical College. In -1852 she and her sister were permitted to attend upon some of the wards -(female, we presume) of Bellevue Hospital. In 1854 Emily graduated at -Cleveland College (Eclectic, I think). - -Through their united efforts the "New York Infirmary for Women and -Children" was established. "Up to the present time over fifty thousand -patients have received prescriptions and personal care by this means." -Contrary to Mrs. Lozier, "they are firm in their conviction of the -expediency of mingling the sexes in _all_ scholastic training. In their -mode of practice they adopt the main features of the 'regular' system." -Nearly all other physicians are rather of the _Eclectic_ system. Like Miss -Hunt, "she was bound by no regular school, as none had indorsed her." - -There are many contemporaries of Miss Hunt and the sisters Blackwell whom -we might mention, but the history of one is the history of the whole, so -far as early struggles, opposition of the profession, and neglect and -disrespect of their own sex, is concerned. - -Frances S. Cooke, M. D., of the "Female Medical College," East Concord -Street, Boston, Mrs. Jackson, Lucy Sewall, M. D., recently returned from -Europe, and a half-score others of Boston, much deserve more than a -passing notice, but our limited space will not permit. Also, Hannah E. -Longshore, M. E. Zakezewska, of New York, Miss Jane E. Myers, M. D., Mrs. -Mary F. Thomas, M. D. (Camden, Ind.), Miss Ann Preston, M. D., of -Philadelphia, Mrs. Annie Bowen, of Chicago, and others, "too numerous to -mention," who, in spite of the opposition from their own sex, from the -profession, and the public in general, have gained a name and a competency -through their professional efforts. - -"A woman's intellectual incapacity and her physical weakness will ever -disqualify her for the duties of the medical profession," wrote Dr. ----, -of Pennsylvania. - -Edward H. Dixon, M. D., of New York, in an article published in the -"_Scalpel_" shows, by uncontroverted arguments and facts, that the male -child, at birth, "in original organic strength," holds only an equal -chance with the female; that "the chances of health for the two sexes at -the outset are equal, and so continue till the period when they first -attain the full use of their legs." - -Ask the mother of a family if the labor pains show any respect of sex. - -Does not the female show as strong lungs as the male in its _earliest_ -disapprobation of this unceremonious world? How about the comparative -strength exhibited in the demonstrations of each when the lacteal fluid is -not forthcoming in proportion to the appetite? - -Let us consult Dr. Dixon further,--and charge it to the females! - -"We give the girl two years' start of the boy,--we shall see why as we -proceed. Both have endured the torture of bandaging, pinning (pricking), -and tight dressing; both have been rocked, jounced on the knee, papped, -laudanumed, paregoricked, castor oiled, suffocated with blankets over the -head, sweltered with cap and feather bed, roasted at a fire of anthracite, -dosed according to the formula of some superannuated doctor or -'experienced nurse,' or both, for these people usually hunt in couples, -and are very gracious to each other. We give the girl the start to make up -for the benefit the boy has derived from chasing the cat, rolling on the -floor, or sliding down the balustrade, and the torture _she_ had endured -from her sampler, and being compelled to 'sit up straight, and not be -_hoidenish_.'" - -[Illustration: "POH! YOU'RE A GIRL."] - -"Well, they are off to school. Observe how circumspectly our little miss -must walk, chiding her brother for being 'too rude.' He, nothing daunted, -(with a '_Poh! you're a girl_'), starts full tilt after an unlucky pig or -a stray dog. If he tumbles into the mud and soils his clothes the result -is soon visible in increase of lungs and ruddy cheeks." - -"In school the boy has the advantage. The girl 'mustn't loll,' must sit up -erect, the limbs hanging down, her feet probably not reaching the floor, -and the spinal column must bear the main support for three to six hours! -The boy gets relief in 'shying' an occasional paper ball across the room, -hitching about, and drawing his legs up on the seat, or sticking a pin in -his neighbor, and a good run and jump at recess, changing the monotony of -the recreation by an occasional fight after school. At dinner the girl has -had no exercise to create an appetite, and her meal is made up of pastry -and dessert. 'Remember that her muscles move the limbs, and are composed -chiefly of azote, and it is the red meat, or muscle of beef or mutton, -that she would eat if she had any appetite for it, that is to say, if her -stomach and blood-vessels would endure it. The fact is, _the child has -fever and loathes meat_.'" - -While the boy, hat in hand, rushes to the common or rear yard to roll -hoop, fly his kite, or, in winter, to skate or coast down hill, the girl -is reminded that she has "one whole hour to practise at the piano," either -in a darkened room, from whence all God's sunshine is excluded, cold and -cheerless, or the other extreme--seated near a heated register, from which -the dry, poisonous fumes belch forth, destroying the pure oxygen she -requires to inflate her narrowing lungs, and increase the fibrine, the -muscle, and strength necessary to the exhausting exercise. She closes the -day by eating a bit of cake and a plate of preserves. - -The hungry, "neglected" boy has returned, and, with swift coursing blood, -strength of muscle and brain, catches a glance at his neglected lesson, -comprehending it all the quicker by the change he has enjoyed, bawls -boisterously for some cold meat, or something hearty, and tumbles into his -bed, forgetting to close the door or window; whereas the girl must be -attended to her room, "she is so delicate," and, being tucked well in on a -sweltering feather bed, and bound down by heavy blankets, the doors and -windows are carefully secured, and, committed to the "care of Providence," -she is left to swelter till to-morrow. - -The period for a great change arrives, often catching the poor, uninformed -girl completely by surprise. Furthermore, the constant deprivation of her -natural requirements--pure air, wholesome, nutritious food, unrestrained -limbs and lungs--now become more apparent. In spite of the constant -drilling which she has received, she feels exceedingly _gauche_. Her face -is alternately pale and flushed; she suffers from headache,--"a rush of -blood to the head." Stays and tight-lacing have weakened the action of the -heart, cut off the circulation to the extremities, and deprived those -parts of blood which now require the nutriment necessary to their strength -and support in the time of their greatest need. - -The ignorant mother sends for a physician, perhaps almost as ignorant as -herself; or, what is still worse, being a miserable time-server, seeing -the admirable opportunity for making a bill, straightway commences a -course of deception and quackery that, if it do not result in the death of -the unfortunate patient, leaves her a miserable creature for life, with -spinal curvature or consumption; or worse, by confinement and medication -destroy her chance of restoration; and should some unlucky and ignorant -young man take her as wife, and she become a mother, she surely will drag -out a wretched existence as a victim to uterine displacement and its -concomitant results. - -Physically, morally, and intellectually woman is not born inferior to man. -We have briefly shown where and how she has fallen behind in the race of -life in a physical view of the matter. The intellectual sense has kept -pace only with the physical. Morally woman stands alone; by her own -strength or weakness she stands or falls. Man scarcely upholds or -encourages her. Her own sex, we have herein-before stated, is woman's own -worst enemy! "Be thou as chaste as ice, or pure as snow, thou shalt not -escape calumny," and if she fall, who shall restore her? The whole world -is against her; one half makes her what she is, the other's scorn and -neglect keeps her thus! The "ballot" will not keep woman from falling, nor -raise her when fallen. The "church" does not exempt woman from the wiles -of men, nor its adherents raise the fallen to their pristine strength, -beauty, and respectability! Though Christ, the lowly, the magnanimous, -said, "_Neither do I condemn thee_," his followers (?) cannot lay their -hands upon their hearts and repeat his gracious words. Where is the fallen -woman whom the church (not Roman Catholic) ever took in with that good -faith and spirit of sisterly love or brotherly affection, with which a -fallen man can, and is, often received into the church and into society? - -Echo answers, "Where?" - -O, deny this who will! It is no "attack upon the church;" merely a -lamentably truthful statement. - -The church, like society, withdraws her skirts from contact with the -fallen sister. "She is a wreck, drifted upon our shore, for which God -holds some one accountable. Not a wreck that can be restored--not a wreck -that money or repentance can atone for." (What! not money? Then surely she -is lost, and forever!) "The damage is beyond earthly knowledge to -estimate, beyond human power of indemnification. If ever the erring soul -shall retrace her steps, it will be _Christ_ himself who shall lead her; -if ever peace shall brood again over her spirit, it will be the Comforter -who shall send the white-winged dove. - -"But the merest lad detects the lost woman. She carries the evidences of -her guilt (or misfortune?) in the very clothes she wears, whether she is -the richly dressed courtesan of the Bowery, or the beggarly street-walker -of the village. There is a delicacy in, and a fine bloom on the nature of -woman, which impurity smites with its first breath, and she cannot conceal -the loss nor cover the shame!" - - "If there be but one spot upon thy name, - One eye thou fearest to meet, one human voice - Whose tones thou shrinkest from, Woman! veil thy face, - And bow thy head and die!" - -Then is there no help for woman's condition in this cold, uncharitable -world? you ask, in view of these facts related above. Yes; _but it rests -with woman_. It must begin with the first breath the female infant draws. -Educate her from the cradle. Give her the freedom of the boy, the pure air -that the boy breathes; not the romping, rude, boisterous plays, perhaps -(?), of the boy, but plenty of outdoor exercise, runs, slides, skates, -rides; let her laugh, yea _shout_, if it be in a country place, till the -woods ring again with the merry echoes, and the puzzled forest nymphs -issue from their invaded retreats, endeavoring to solve the riddle by -ocular demonstration which their ears have failed to unravel, viz., the -sex, as revealed in the strength of voice and buoyancy of spirits, or -expressed in unrestrained laughter! - -"O, shocking! How hoidenish!" - -Who says to laugh is "_hoidenish_?" A female invariably! And this is just -what we are explaining: women must change tactics as teachers. There is -time enough to instruct the _young_ lady, after the girl or the miss has -developed muscle, vitalized her blood, and capacitated her brain for the -sterner realities of life. - -Let women learn to be true teachers of women. - -Begin at the beginning. This is the only way. Stand by one another in the -reform. Never mind the ballot; don't try to wear the _breeches_. No--the -male attire I mean. - -The superfluous boarding-school education must give place to something -more substantial. Mrs. Dashaway is to the point:-- - -"No, Pauline; home eddycation is perferable. If there is a requestred spot -on this toad-stool I detest more'n another it is a female cemetery, where -bread-and-butter girls are sent and quartered for a finished eddycation; -and it does finish most of em." - -"O, no, no, aunty. You mean _sequestered_ spot, and sent _quarterly_ to a -_seminary_." - -"Well, well; you've got too many oceans in your head already of Greek and -zebra, of itchiology, and other humerous works; as for me, give me pure -blood, sound teeth, and a good constitution, and let them what's got them -sort of diseases see the good Samaritan, and ten to eleven if he don't -cure them in less than no time. Land! if Pauline ain't drummin' the -piany!" - -Shall women remain passively resigned to the lamentable physical condition -of her sex? or will she see where lies the main difficulty, viz., in a -_wrong start_,--in the superfluous, debilitating, _namby-pamby_ education -of the female infant, miss, young lady? - -Thoreau wrote that he believed resignation a _virtue_, but he "rather not -practise it unless it became absolutely necessary." - -"Resignation" is unnecessary in this case. Only let every woman arouse her -energies, and stand firmly in claiming her "rights" to rightly educate her -children, girls as well as boys, showing no respect of sex in their -_early_ training, thereby "commencing at the beginning." What is a house -without a good foundation? You may build, and rebuild, and finally it will -all topple over, overwhelming you in its ruins. - -There is no "right" that woman may claim for herself and sex in general -but men must and will concede. Man is not your master. "Habit," "fashion," -"opinion," these are your only masters. These shackle woman. - -Do women dress for men? to please the opposite sex? or for each other's -eye? "You know just how it is yourself." Poh! What do men, generally -speaking, know of woman's dress? Absolutely nothing! I boldly assert that -not one man in twenty, going out to a call, party, or even a concert or -opera, knows the cut and color of the dress of his wife accompanying him. -Woman dresses for women's inspection. Whatever she does for fear or favor -of man else, woman dresses for her own sex. - -"What will Mrs. Codfish say when she sees this turned dress?" - -"Old Codfish," her husband, is worth at least fifty thousand dollars, and -here is Mrs. Copyman, whose husband is as poor as "Job's turkey," standing -in dread of that woman's criticism! - -Not one male in a thousand can detect a well turned dress, but I defy the -most cunning dressmaker to alter, retrim, frill, and "furbelow" a dress -that the female eye won't detect at a glance! - -"I rather pay the butcher's bill than the doctor's," says the father. - -"O, horrors! Just see that girl swallow the meat! Why, it will make your -skin as rough as a grater and as greasy as an Indian's!" exclaims the -mother. - -Miss Primrose keeps our village school; she who wears the trailing skirts, -and was seen to cut a cherry in two parts before eating it, at the party -last week. She almost went into convulsions--not of laughter, as I did--to -see Kitty Clover astride a plank, with her brother on the opposite end, -playing at "See-saw." - -"Here we go up--up--uppy; and here we go down--down--downy," they were -singing in unison, when "ding, ding, ding!" went the school-bell, followed -by a scream from Miss Primrose. - -With glowing cheeks--that's from the exercise--and downcast eye, from fear -of Miss Primrose's anger, Kitty came demurely into the school-room before -recess was half over. - -After a long lecture about her "masculine behavior," "horrid red -countenance," and "rumpled dress," and "dishevelled hair," poor Kitty is -sent to her form to "sit up straight, and not forget that she is a young -lady hereafter." - -[Illustration: "HERE WE GO UP--UP--UPPY; AND HERE WE GO -DOWN--DOWN--DOWNY."] - -And what of her brother who was on the other end of the plank? O, he is a -boy! "That's what's the difference!" - - -LOVE AND THOROUGHWORT. - - "He'll never die for love, I know, - He'll never die for love, nor wear - Upon his brow the marks of care." - -This is a true story, written for this work, but published, by permission -of the author, in the "American Union." - -"So you believe me totally incapable of truly loving _any_ girl, do you?" - -"I most assuredly do," was my positive answer. - -My friend, George Brown, turned and walked away a few paces, looking -thoughtfully to the ground. He was a splendid looking man, about twenty -years of age; my late school-fellow, my present friend and confidant. He -was, what I did not flatter myself as being, a great favorite with the -ladies. Handsome, tall, manly, of easy address, a fine singer and dancer, -the only impediment to his physical perfection was, when the least -excited, a hesitancy of speech--almost a stammer. Finally he turned and -walked back to me, saying,-- - -"Now, Ad, if you will agree to a proposition I have to offer, I will -disprove your assertion, so oft repeated, that I never loved--not even -that dear girl, Jenny Kingsbury." - -"First let me hear your proposition." - -"You have long desired to visit Bangor?" - -"Yes," I replied. - -"Let us harness 'Simon' early some fine morning for that delightful city; -go by the way of B. and O., stop and see Jenny, who I have learned by -roundabout inquiry resides with her aunt in the latter place. And," he -added, triumphantly, "see for yourself if she isn't a girl to be loved." - -"O, no doubt Jenny Kingsbury 'is a girl to be loved;' so was Addie, and so -was 'Ria, and a dozen others, whom you have sworn you loved so devotedly. -O George, out upon your affections." - -"Will--will--you go? That's the question." - -"Yes--I will go--because I wish to visit Bangor very much," was my reply; -and the time was at once set for the journey, which was to occupy two -days. - -Mrs. Brown, the mother of my friend George, was a devout Christian. She -believed in her Bible. Moreover, she was an excellent _nurse_, and next to -her Bible, believed in _thoroughwort_. Thoroughwort tea, or thoroughwort -syrup, was her panacea for all the ills, physical or moral, that ever was, -or could be, detailed upon poor humanity. - -"Before you start, boys--" - -"Boys! Where are your _men_?" interrupted George. - -"Hear me!" continued Mrs. Brown. "Before you start for Bangor to-morrow -morning, do you take a good drink of that thoroughwort syrup in the large -jar on the first shelf in the pantry. It'll keep out the cold; for -there'll be frost to-night, I think, and at five o'clock in the morning -the air will be sharp. O, there is nothing equal to _thoroughwort_ for -keeping out the cold." - -"Anything to eat in that pantry?" asked George, with a wink tipped to me. -You see I was to sleep with him that night, preparatory to an early start -for Bangor. - -"Yes, some cold meat, bread, and a pie. But don't forget to first take a -dose of the thoroughwort syrup. Addison, you bear it in mind, for George -is awful forgetful, especially about taking his thoroughwort." And Mrs. -Brown detained us fully fifteen minutes, as she rehearsed the remarkable -qualities of her favorite remedy,--"particularly for keeping out cold." - -"Mother thinks that condemnable stuff is meat, drink, and clothing," -remarked George, as we sought the pantry at an early hour on the following -morning, not for the thoroughwort, but for sandwiches, pies, and the like. - -"Let me take a taste of the 'stuff,'" I said, as I noticed the jar so -conveniently at hand. - -"O, no; not on an empty stomach. It will make you throw up Jonah if you -do," exclaimed George, with an expression of disgust distorting his -features. "Eat something first, and then, if you want to taste the -condemned 'stuff,' do so, and the Lord be with you," he added, pitching -into the eatables. - -Having made away with the pie, and much of the sandwiches, we turned our -attention for a moment to the thoroughwort syrup. I took a taste, and -George spilled a quantity on the shelf, "that mother may know we have been -to the jar," he remarked, as we left the pantry. - -It was not yet five o'clock when we drove noiselessly away from the door. -If I remember rightly, we were not _noiseless_ after that. The morning was -delightful, slightly cool,--but that was no impediment to our warm blood, -owing to the thoroughwort,--and we sped on in an exuberant flow of -spirits. "Simon" was in excellent travelling order, and went without whip -or spur. We should have reached the village of B., where we were to -breakfast, and bait Simon, by eight o'clock, but George would insist on -making the acquaintance, _nolens volens_, of half the farmers on the road, -ostensibly to inquire the way to B. - -"Hallo!" he shouted, reining up Simon before a small farm-house. Up flew a -window, and out popped a nightcapped head. - -"What d'ye want?" called a feminine voice. It was now hardly daylight, and -the person could not distinguish us. - -"Excuse me, madam, for disturbing your slumbers; but can you inform a -stranger if this is the right road to B.?" asked George, in his most -pleasing manner. - -"O, yes; keep right on; take the first left hand road to the top o' the -hill; then go on till yer--" - -We drove away, not waiting for the rest. - -"Do you suppose that old woman is talking there now, with her nightcapped -head poked out of the window?" asked George, as we reached the hotel at B. - -"For shame!" said I. "Waking up all the people on the road, to inquire the -way, with which you were perfectly familiar!" - -From B. our route lay along the western bank of the beautiful Penobscot. I -need not detain you while I rehearse the delightful scenery _en route_ to -Bangor; the variegated and gorgeous splendors of the autumnal leaves; the -bending boughs, from the abundant ripened fruit, in colors of red, orange, -and yellow on one hand, and on the other the bright, glassy waters of the -broad river, dotted here and there by the white sails of boats and vessels -lying becalmed in the morning sunshine. - -We reached the village of O., and George made inquiry for the residence of -Mr. Kingsbury. - -"The large white house just across the bridge." - -"Thank you." And we drove up to the front yard. - -"Ne-ne-now, Ad, you go up and knock, and call for Miss Kingsbury; -ye-ye-you know I st-stutter when I get ex-ex-cited," said George, hitching -Simon to the horse-post. - -"What shall I say to her? and how shall I know Miss Kingsbury from any -other lady?" - -"O, ask for her. I'll compose myself, and follow ri-right up. You'll know -her from the description I have given you. Black eyes and hair, full -form--O, there is nobody else like her. Come, go up and call for her." - -"Well, I'll go; and if I get stuck, come quickly to my rescue," I said, -turning to the house. "Is _Miss_ Kingsbury at home?" I asked of the young -lady who answered my knock. "This person is surely not Miss Jenny," I said -to myself; "cross-eyed, blue at that, and light, almost red hair." She -smiled, took a second look at me, and said,-- - -"Who?" - -"Miss Jenny Kingsbury," I repeated. - -"Well--yes--I guess she is. Will you walk in?" - -"No, thank you. Will you please call her out?" And so saying, I beckoned -to George. - -The girl closed the door, and I called to George "to make haste and change -places with me." He came up just as the door reopened, and a beautiful -dark-eyed woman appeared, whom he greeted as Miss Kingsbury. - -"I'll see to the horse," I said; and having taken a hurried glance at -the young lady, I withdrew. For a full half hour I walked up and down -beneath the maples in front of the house, watched the steamer Penobscot, -as she came up the river, and from thence turned my attention to a -schooner that was endeavoring to enter the cove, not far from the house. A -light breeze had sprung up from the westward, and the channel being -narrow, there seemed much difficulty in gaining the harbor. - -Finally George came to the door and beckoned me. I went in, and received -an introduction to Mrs. Kingsbury and to Jenny. - -"O, but she is beautiful," I whispered to George. - -He was flushed and excited, consequently stammered some, and I was -compelled to keep up a conversation, but I did not feel easy. Something -was wrong. I detected more than one sly wink between aunt and niece, and -when the cross-eyed miss came into the room, I could not tell whom she was -glancing at, as her eyes "looked forty ways for Sunday," but she leered -perceptibly towards first one, then the other of the ladies. I hinted to -George that we must not delay longer. Still he tarried. Mrs. Kingsbury -seemed interested in the movements of the schooner in the mouth of the -cove. Miss Jenny was interested in George. I was interested in getting -away from them all. Finally the schooner was moored to the wharf, and, -standing at the window, I noticed a sailor, with a bundle on a stick over -his shoulder, approaching the house. A whisper passed between aunt and -niece, and the latter asked George to accompany her into an adjoining -room. - -It was now past noon. A pleasant, savory smell came up from the kitchen, -but no one asked me to put up the horse, and stay to dinner. - -The man with the bundle came familiarly into the yard. Soon George -returned alone to the room, and seizing his hat, he stammered, "C-c-come, -Ad," and rushed from the house. - -Mrs. Kingsbury attended me to the door, and wished me a pleasant ride to -Bangor. George jumped into the buggy, seized the reins, and giving a cut -upon the horse, bawled, "Go on, Simon." - -"Hold on. First let me unhitch him," I cried, seizing the spirited beast -by the bridle. I unfastened the halter, and jumped into the carriage; and -away flew Simon, snorting and irritated under the unnecessary cuts he had -received from the whip. At the first corner George took the back road -towards B. - -"Not that way! Hold on, and turn about," I exclaimed, catching at the -reins. "Now stop and tell me all about it. Did you propose to Jenny? Has -she accepted, and are you beside yourself with ecstatic joy? Come, tell -me." - -"Ho! Simon." And laying down the reins, George drew out his wallet, and -taking therefrom a bit of silk goods, he turned upon my astonished gaze a -woe-begone look, and said,-- - -"Ad, she's mum-mum-married--" - -"Married!" - -"Yes, married; and there's a piece of her wedding gown. The fellow you saw -come in while there, with the bundle on a stick,--the -land-lubberish-looking fellow,--was her husband. O my God! Did you ever?" -And so relieving his mind, he caught the reins and whip, and away darted -Simon at a fearful rate of speed. - -At Bangor I said to George,-- - -"Well, there probably is no love lost on either side. She sold out at the -first bid, and you never had the least hold on her affections." - -"Ah, I have had her confidence in too many moonlight walks to believe -that," was his reply. - -"And it was all moonshine,--that's evident," I said. - -"No, no; I wish it was. I never shall love again," said George, with a -deep sigh, and a sorry-looking cast of countenance. - -"No, I suppose not," was my non-consoling reply. - -"Still, do you believe I never loved that darling girl?" he asked, almost -in a rage. "If that man--that _fellow_--should die with the autumn leaves, -I would at once marry Jenny, who loves me still," he exclaimed, pacing the -room like an enraged lion. - -"He won't die, however. He looks healthy and robust, and will outlive you -and your affection for his wife," I replied, with a derisive laugh. - -It rained the next afternoon, as we returned home by a shorter route than -_via_ O. and B. George talked a great deal of Jenny on the way back, and -said he never should get over this fearful disappointment. - -"Only think of the lovely Jenny Kingsbury marrying that fellow with the -bundle and the stick! O, I shall be sick over it; I know I shall." - -"Especially if you take a bad cold riding in this storm," I added, by way -of consolation. "However, you can take some of your mother's good -thoroughwort--" - -"Confound the thoroughwort," he interrupted. - - * * * * * - -"Did you know that George is sick?" asked his little brother of me the -following day. - -"No. Is he much sick?" I inquired, in alarm. - -"O, yes; he's awful sick--or was last night; and mother fooled him on a -dose of fresh thererwort tea, which only made him sicker," replied the -little chap, turning up his nose in disgust. - -"Is he better now?" I inquired. - -"O, yes; ever so much _now_. I don't know what ma called the disease he's -got; but howsomever she said thererwort was good for it, and I guess it -is, 'cause he's better." - -I was called away, and did not see my friend George till a week after our -return from the little trip to B. He never mentioned Jenny afterwards, nor -said a word about the thoroughwort tea. He took to horses after that, -and eventually married a poor, unpretending girl, quite unlike the -dark-eyed, beautiful, and wealthy Miss Jenny Kingsbury. - -Mrs. Brown still recommends her favorite panacea for all ails, physical or -moral; but whenever she mentions it in George's presence, he exclaims, -with a look of disgust,-- - -"O, confound the thoroughwort!" - -[Illustration] - - - - -VI. - -QUACKS. - - "Verily, - I swear, 'tis better to be lowly born, - And range with humble livers in content, - Than to be perked up in a glistening grief - And wear a golden sorrow."--KING HENRY VIII. - - ANECDOTE IN ILLUSTRATION.--DERIVATION.--FATHER OF QUACKS.--A MEDICAL - "BONFIRE."--THE "SAMSON" OF THE PROFESSION.--SIR ASTLEY.--U. S. - SURVEYOR-GENERAL HAMMOND.--HOMEOPATHIC QUACKS, ETC.--A MUDDLED - DEFINITION.--"STOP THIEF!"--CRIPPLED FOR LIFE!--TWO POUNDS - CALOMEL.--VICTIMS.--WASHINGTON, JACKSON, HARRISON.--THE COUNTRY - QUACK.--A TRUE AND LUDICROUS ANECDOTE.--DYEING TO DIE!--A SCARED - DOCTOR.--DROPSY!--A HASTY WEDDING!--A COUNTRY CONSULTATION.--"SCENES - FROM WESTERN PRACTICE."--"TWIST ROOT."--A JOLLY TRIO.--NEW "BUST" OF - CUPID.--AN UNWILLING LISTENER. - - -On looking over my "collection" on quacks and charlatans, I am so strongly -reminded of a little anecdote which you may have already seen in print, -but which so well illustrates painfully the facts to be adduced in this -chapter, that I _must_ appropriate the story, which story a western -engineer tells of himself. - -"One day our train stopped at a new watering-place, being a small station -in Indiana, where I observed two green-looking countrymen in 'homespun' -curiously inspecting the locomotive, occasionally giving vent to -expressions of astonishment. - -"Finally one of them approached and said,-- - -"'Stranger, are this 'ere a injine?' - -"'Certainly. Did you ever see one before?' - -"'No, never seen one o' the critters afore. Me an' Bill here comed down t' -the station purpose to see one. Them's the biler--ain't it?' - -"'Yes, that is the boiler,' I answered. - -"'What you call that place you're in?' - -"'This we call a cab.' - -"'An' this big wheel, what's this fur?' - -"'That's the driving wheel.' - -"'That big, black thing on top I s'pose is the chimley.' - -"'Precisely.' - -"'Be you the engineer what runs the machine?' - -"'I am,' I replied, with the least bit of self-complacency. - -"He eyed me closely for a moment; then, turning to his companion, he -remarked,-- - -"'Bill, it don't take much of a man to be a engineer--do it?'" - -The reader will perceive the distinction which we make between humbugs, -quacks, and charlatans, though one individual may comprehend the whole. - -"Quacks comprehend not only those who enact the absurd impositions of -ignorant pretenders, but also of _unbecoming acts of professional men -themselves_."--_Thomas' Medical Dictionary._ - -This is the view we propose to take of it in this chapter, in connection -with the derivation of the word. - -The word _quack_ is derived from the German "_quack salber_," or mercury, -which metal was introduced into the _Materia Medica_ by _Philippus -Aureolus Theophrastus Paracelsus Bombast ab Hohenhein_! - -"So extensively was quicksilver used by Paracelsus and his followers that -they received the stigma of 'quacks.'"--See _Parr's Medical Dictionary_. - -There is some controversy respecting the date of birth of Paracelsus, but -probably it was in the year 1493. He was born in Switzerland. - -[Illustration: THE INQUISITIVE COUNTRYMEN.] - -Professor Waterhouse (1835) says, "He was learned in Greek, Latin, and -several other languages. That he introduced quicksilver," etc., "and was a -vain, arrogant profligate, and died a confirmed sot." - -"Paracelsus was a man of most dissolute habits and unprincipled character, -and his works are filled with the highest flights of unintelligible -bombastic jargon, unworthy of perusal, but such as might be expected from -one who united in his person the qualities of a fanatic and a -drunkard."--_R. D. T._ - -Mercury was known to the early Greek and Roman physicians, who regarded it -as a dangerous poison. They, however, used it externally in curing the -_itch_, and John de Vigo employed it to cure the plague. Paracelsus used -it internally first for _lues venerea_, which appeared in Naples the year -of his birth, though doubtless that disease reached far back, even into -the camp of Israel. The heroic doses of Paracelsus either destroyed the -disease at once, _or the patient_. Paracelsus proclaimed to the world that -there was no further need of the _Materia Medica_, especially the writings -of Galen, and burned them in public; his "Elixir Vitae" would cure all -diseases. But in spite of his wonderful knowledge and his life-saving -elixir, he died of the diseases he professed to cure, at the early age of -forty-eight, while Galen lived to the age of seventy. - -So much for the "father of quacks." - -For nearly four centuries mercury has been exhibited in the _Materia -Medica_ to a greater extent than any other remedy. Doubtless it possesses -great medicinal virtues, but its abuse--the "heroic doses" used by the -ignorant and brainless quacks, both graduates of some medical college, and -_soi-disant_ physicians--has made its name a terror to the people and a -reproach to the profession. To assail it is to tread on dangerous ground; -to invade the "rights" of a numerous host of worshippers; to uncover an -ulcer, whose rottenness, though smelling to heaven, is protracted for the -pecuniary advantage of the prescriber. - -Eminent physicians in every age since its introduction, and in every -enlightened country, have protested against its abuse; yea, even its use! -They have called its users "_quacks_," the most contemptible epithet ever -introduced into medical nomenclature,--the "_Samson_" of the profession, -because through the instrumentality of an ass and his adherents, "it has -slain its thousands." - -I need not quote those distinguished practitioners who have recorded their -testimony against its general and indiscriminate use. Their name is -legion, and every well-informed physician is aware of the fact. - -Do not "well-informed physicians" prescribe calomel? - -Certainly; but cautiously, and often under protest. - -It is recorded of Sir Astley Cooper that he made serious objections to its -free use in the wards of the Borough Hospitals, and forthwith the "smaller -fry" made such a breeze about his ears that he seemed called upon to -defend, and even palliate, his offence. Dr. Macilwain says that Sir Astley -is reported to have said in reply to those who demurred,-- - -"Why, gentlemen, was it likely that I should say anything unkind towards -those gentlemen? Is not Mr. Green (surgeon of St. Thomas) my godson, Mr. -Tusell my nephew, Mr. Travers my apprentice (surgeon of St. Thomas), Mr. -Key and Mr. Cooper (surgeons of Guy's Hospital) my nephews?" - -This was very _naive_, and as good illustration of the value of evidence -in relation to one thing (his provision for his relatives) which is stated -in relation to another. - -Herein Sir Astley exposed a weakness with which the democratic opponents -of President Grant have accused him, viz., of furnishing comfortable -positions for his relatives. - -Sir John Forbes, when at the head of the medical profession of England in -1846, wrote an earnest appeal to his brethren to rescue their art from the -ruin into which it was falling, saying in relation to modes of curing -diseases, "Things have become so bad that they must mend or end." This was -"dangerous ground," and some physicians of the day feared Dr. Forbes had -done an immense mischief. After his death, be it remembered, some of the -"medical magnates" of this country virtuously refused to subscribe to his -monument fund, saying, "it was a misfortune to mankind (?) that he had -ever lived." - -Dr. W. A. Hammond, surgeon general of the United States, also blundered -when, by an order dated at _Washington, May 4, 1863_, he struck calomel -from the supply table of the army. This proscription was on the ground -that "it has so frequently been pushed to excess by military surgeons, as -to call for prompt steps to correct its abuse.... _This is done with the -more confidence, as modern pathology has proved the impropriety of the use -of mercury in very many of those diseases in which it was formerly -unfailingly administered._" - -_The American Medical Times_ (regular) said, "The order appeared not only -expedient, but judicious and necessary, under the circumstances." _What_ -circumstances? Read on further, and the _Times_ editor explains: "No evil -can result to the sick soldier from the absence of calomel, however much -he may need mercurialization, when such preparations as blue pill, -bichloride and iodide of mercury, etc., remain. But, in prescribing these -latter remedies, the practitioner generally has a very definite idea of -the object he wishes to attain, which is not always the case in the use of -calomel." - -By this timely order it was estimated that ten thousand soldiers were -released from a morning dose of calomel! - -Was this a blow aimed at "quackery"? Was Dr. Hammond, "a member of the -medical profession highly esteemed for scientific attainments," attempting -a reform in medicine? Any way, Dr. Hammond shared the fate of all medical -reformers. He was suspended. He was disgraced. - -The American Medical Association met at Chicago, and set up a strong -opposition to the "order." Certain persons brought charges against the -surgeon general. A commission was appointed. The _Times_ said, "The whole -affair has the appearance of a secret and deliberate conspiracy against -the surgeon general.... The commission is, in the first place, headed by a -person known to be hostile to the surgeon general. This fact throws -suspicion upon the _object_ of the investigation." Just so. The "object" -was to appoint some one instead of Dr. Hammond, who would repeal the -obnoxious order. No matter what _pretence_ was set up beside, this is the -fact of the case, and the people and the profession know this to be true. - -But how shall we judge of the motives of Dr. Hammond but by _appearances_? -Who so well knew the value, or injury, of calomel, as he who had used it -for twenty odd years? Admitting Professor Chapman, of Philadelphia, was -within twenty years of right when he said, "He who resigns the fate of his -patient to calomel, ... if he has a tolerable practice, will, in a single -season, lay the foundation of a good business for life," did not Dr. H. -exhibit a little selfishness in attempting to deprive young practitioners -of the opportunity of laying for themselves a foundation for a prosperous -future? - -"Doubtless," said a medical journal of the day, "all _quacks_ and -_irregulars_ are congratulating themselves upon the appearance of this -'order.'" This leads us to ask, "Who are the quacks?" - -The governor of Ohio, in 1861, made inquiry of the United States surgeon -general, to know if the regiments of that state could be allowed to choose -between allopathic and homeopathic surgeons. - -"_No: I'll see them damned to hell first_," was the gracious reply. - -The resolutions drawn up and adopted by the New York Academy of Medicine -as an offset against the appeal for admission of homeopathic surgeons into -the army (1862), contained the following:-- - -"3d. That it (homeopathy) is no more worthy of such introduction than -other kindred methods of practice as closely allied to _quackery_." - -There were then some thirty-five hundred of that sort of "quacks" -practising under diplomas--mostly obtained from regular colleges--in the -United States. Shame! - -The Royal College, Dublin, the same year, in a resolution passed, called -Mesmerism and homeopathy quackery. - -In an article in the "Scalpel," from the able pen of Dr. Richmond,--about -the time that the "swarm of vampires that was the first fruits of the -tribe of rooters that swarmed the State of New York under the teachings of -T. and B." (Thompson and Beach),--he calls botanics and eclectics quacks -and Paracelsuses! Clear as--mud! - -So! The calomel practitioners are quacks. The homeopathics are quacks. The -eclectics, and botanics, and Mesmerics, are all quacks! Any more, -gentlemen? This is getting things somewhat mixed, and I rush to -Dunglison's Medical Dictionary for explanation. Why, a quack is a -_charlatan_! I turn to "Charlatan." Lo, it is quack! Clear as mud, again. - -In my perplexity I consult Webster. He refers me to a _goose_! So I rush -to Worcester, and he implies it is a _duck_! Perhaps the _bill_ has -something to do with the name; especially as I am reminded of a suit -brought by a Boston M. D. to recover the exorbitant sum of three hundred -dollars for reducing a dislocation. - -Therefore, summing up this "uncertainty," it seems to be a convenient -word, expressive of contempt, which any professional man may hurl at any -other whom he dislikes, or with whom he is not in fellowship. - -In its general use it is the _thief_ calling, "Stop thief." - -It was no unusual practice for physicians of the sixteenth and seventeenth -centuries to use calomel in scruple, and even drachm doses. Mazerne -"habitually administered calomel in scruple doses." Yandal gave it by the -table-spoonful. I knew a physician in Maine who usually administered it by -the tea-spoonful, and I saw a woman at Deer Isle, Me., suffering from true -anchylosis of the jaw, in consequence of thus taking his prescription. In -the same town was a man who was made completely imbecile by overdoses of -mercury. In the town of B----l, same county and state, once lived an old -quack, for convenience sake, near a large graveyard. _He "owned" it._ That -is, he is said to have more victims laid away therein than all the other -doctors who ever practised in town. "I knew him well." Once he sent to -Boston for _two ounces_ of calomel. There was no steam conveyance in those -days, and a sea captain took the order. By some mistake, _two pounds_ were -sent. It was not returned. "O, never mind," said the doctor; "I shall use -it all some time." - -Every state, county, yes, every town, in the Union has its victims to this -quackery. In Rochelle, Ill., is a remarkable case, a merchant. Almost -every joint in his frame is rendered useless. He can speak, and his brain -is active. He has a large store, and he is carried to it every day, and -there, stretched upon a counter, he gives directions to his employes. -Though comparatively young, his hair is blanched like the snow-drift, -falling upon his shoulders, and he is hopelessly crippled for life. "He -does not speak in very flattering terms of the calomel doctors," said my -informant. Neither do the thousands of diseased and mutilated soldiers, -the victims to quackery while in the army. - -"SPEAKING FACTS.--A little boy, ten years of age, and having a paralyzed -right leg, may be seen occasionally among his more able-bodied companions, -the newsboys, unsuccessfully striving to 'hoe his row' with his rougher -and more vigorous fellows. The limb is wholly dead, so far as its -usefulness is concerned and it was caused by giving the little fellow -overdoses of calomel, when he was an infant. - -"Another victim to calomel lives in the city of Hartford, in the person of -a young lady of sixteen, who would be handsome but for deformities of face -and mouth, occasioned by calomel given to her when a little child. She -cannot open her mouth, and her food is always gruel, etc., introduced -through the teeth. But the doctors stick to calomel as the sheet anchor of -their faith." - -Behold WASHINGTON, who had passed through the battles of his country -unharmed, and who in his last illness had, in the brief space of twelve -hours, ninety ounces of blood drawn from his veins, and in the same space -of time taken sixty grains of calomel! - -Who wonders that he should request his physician to allow him to "_die in -peace_"? - -Andrew Jackson was another victim to calomel, as well as to the lancet, as -the following letter shows:-- - - "HERMITAGE, October 24, 1844. - - "MY DEAR MR. BLAIR: On the 12th inst., I had a return of hemorrhage, - and two days after, a chill. With a lancet to correct the first, and - calomel to check the second, I am _greatly debilitated_. - - ANDREW JACKSON." - -Was not this double quackery? First, it was the _Similia similibus -curantur_ (like cures like), of the homeopathists, which the Academy of -Medicine has termed quackery. Second, it was exhibiting calomel to the -injury (debilitating) of the patient. - -President Harrison was another victim. - -Are not these historical facts? Nevertheless, it is treason to mention -them. "And why should any truth be counted as treasonable?" the honest and -intelligent reader is led to inquire. "For truth is mighty, and must -prevail," eventually. - -Yes, yes, truth will prevail. When bigotry and old-fogy notions are -uprooted from the profession, and all educated and benevolent physicians -strike hands and join fortunes to eradicate and discountenance all forms -of quackery amongst themselves, they will then possess the power to -suppress outside quackery. Far too many make a _trade_ of the -_profession_; and just so long as educated physicians countenance or -practise any one form of quackery, so long will they be powerless to check -the abominations of charlatans and impostors outside of the profession. - -We have not introduced the foregoing facts in the interest of any -persuasion. With the bickerings of the various schools of medicine we -propose to have nothing to do, except to seize upon such truths as those -otherwise useless quarrels are continually revealing. Opposition will not -weaken a truth, nor strengthen a falsehood. You who are in the right need, -therefore, have no fear as to final results. - -It is hard to kick against the pricks of custom, and custom has perverted -the word which is the text of this chapter, and it is now more commonly -applied to the ignorant, boastful _pretender_ to the science of medicine. - -Now we will introduce a few facts obtained from without the profession. - - -THE COUNTRY QUACK. - -In the town of P----, Conn., there resided two doctors. One, old Dr. B., a -regular, and the other, Dr. S--h, an irregular. It was in the autumn, and -a fever was prevailing at this time, of a very malignant character. From -over-exertion and exposure Dr. B. was taken sick, and in a few days fever -supervened. This news spread terror over the immediate community, and the -old doctor becoming delirious, his wife and family soon partook of the -terror. A neighboring physician was sent for, but being absent, he did not -at once respond; and the invalid becoming, as they feared, rapidly worse, -Dr. S. was reluctantly called. He was known to be an ignoramus, formerly a -peddler, a farmer, horse-jockey, a fifth-rate country lawyer, and, lastly, -a doctor. Had Dr. B. retained his senses, he would have sooner died than -have admitted his enemy, this "rooter," into his house. He came, however, -with great pomposity, examined the patient, whose delirium prevented -resistance, and ordered an immediate application of the juice of -poke-berries rubbed over the entire skin of the old doctor, as a -febrifuge. - -"But," inquired the wife, timidly, "is not this an unusual prescription, -Dr. S.?" The doctor replied that it was a new remedy, but very -efficacious. "You see," he added, with many a hem and haw, "it will -out-herod the blush of the skin, put to shame the fever, which retires in -disgust, and so relieves the patient." - -"And won't he die, if we follow this strange prescription?" asked a -friend, while the doctor was proceeding to deal out a large powder. - -"No, no; ahem! _You_ do the _dyeing_, to prevent the _dying_. Haw, haw!" -roared the vulgar old wretch, convulsed by his own pun, and the -anticipation of the ludicrous corpse that he expected to see within a few -days. - -There was no alternative. The prescription must be followed, and the -children were sent to the woods to gather the ripe berries. The quack next -proceeded to deal out a dose of lobelia and blood-root, which he left on -the desk where Dr. B. prepared medicines when in health, giving directions -for its administration, and in high glee took his departure. The -inspissated juice of the highly-colored berries was applied over the face, -arms, and body of the unconscious doctor, the remarkable appearance of -whom we leave the reader to imagine. - -By mistake, a large dose of camphorated dover's powders which lay on the -table was substituted for the lobelia of Dr. S., which with the warm -liquid applied to the skin, checked the fever, and, contrary to the hope -and expectation of Dr. S., the following morning found his patient in a -fine perspiration, and the neighboring physician arriving, he was soon -placed in a condition of safety. - -Notwithstanding Dr. S. told some friends of the joke,--for the worst have -their friends, you know,--he was known to have prescribed for Dr. B., his -sworn enemy; and as the patient was pronounced convalescent, S. received -all the credit, and forthwith his services were in great demand. Day and -night he rode, till, by the time Dr. B. got out, he was completely -exhausted! He became alarmed lest he should take the fever. Such fellows -are ever cowards when anything ails their precious selves. He actually -became feverish with fear and excitement, and took his bed--and his -emetic. He took either an overdose, or not enough, and for hours remained -in the greatest distress. Finally, as a _dernier resort_, his wife sent -for Dr. B.! Now came his turn to avenge the insult of the painting by -poke-berries, which stain was yet scarcely removed from the skin of the -old doctor. - -"I'll give him a dose; I'll put my mark on him--one that milk and water, -or soap, cannot remove. O, I'll be avenged!" exclaimed Dr. B., as he -mounted his gig, and drove to Dr. S. - -"O doctor, doctor! I am in fearful distress. Can you help me? Will I die?" -whined S., on beholding his opponent. - -"No; not such good news. Those born to hang don't die in their beds. But -you are very sick, and must abide my directions." - -"Yes, yes. Thanks, doctor. This blamed lobelia is killing me, though." - -"Then take this." And Dr. B. administered a half tea-spoonful of ipecac, -to bring up the lobelia. So far was good. - -"Now a basin of water and a sponge," said Dr. B., which being procured, he -seemed to examine for a moment very curiously; then ordered the face, -neck, arms, and hands of the patient bathed well with the fluid. - -On the following morning Dr. B. was sent for, post haste, with the -cheering message that "mortification had set in, and his patient was -dying." - -Off posted the doctor, calling several neighbors, _en route_, who thronged -the apartment of the invalid doctor in speechless astonishment. - -[Illustration: CURIOUS EFFECT OF A FEVER.] - -"I'm dying, Dr. B.; O, I'm dying," groaned S., rolling to and fro on his -bed. - -"No, you are not. I told you before, no such good news. Your fever is all -gone. You are scared--that's what's the matter," replied Dr. B. - -"But look, just look at the color of my skin,--all mortifying," said S. - -"O, no; that is merely dyed with _nitrate of silver_. It's much better -than poke-berries--much better," repeated Dr. B. - -The recovered patient leaped from his bed, and, with an oath, made -straight for the doctor; but the bystanders, though convulsed with -laughter, caught the enraged victim, while, amid the cheers and laughter -of the crowd, Dr. B. made his escape, saying to himself,-- - -"The nitrate of silver I put in the basin worked like a charm." - -The story soon circulated, and Dr. S., being unable to remove the deep -stain from his skin, and the curious rabble from his door, left for parts -unknown. Dr. B., on revisiting his patients, who now rejoiced in his -recovery, found that S. had not only dispensed lobelia and blood-root, but -had bled and mercurialized several. - - -REMARKABLE DROPSY. - -The writer was acquainted with a young physician who was unceremoniously -discharged by the family of a beautiful young lady to whom he had been -called to prescribe, in a country village, his offence being the discovery -of the true source of the patient's (?) indisposition, which fact he -_dared_ to intimate to the mother. "An older and more experienced -physician" succeeded him, who reversed the diagnosis, and pronounced it "a -clear case of _dropsy_," and the young M. D. went into disrepute. During -the entire winter the old doctor made daily visits to his patient. Daily -had the old ladies of the neighborhood adjusted their "specs," smoothed -down their aprons, and, watching the doctor's return, run out to the gate -to inquire after the health of the lady, the belle of the town. - -"O, she's _convalescent_," was his usual reply, with due professional -dignity; and thus the matter stood till a crisis came. - -[Illustration: MARRYING A FAMILY.] - -There was a ball in the village one night. About eleven o'clock a -messenger appeared in the room, who hastily summoned a certain young -gentleman, a scion of one of the "first families" in town. At the same -time the minister was called, and the young man, standing by the bed, -holding the invalid lady by the right hand, while on his left arm he -supported a beautiful babe but an hour old, was married to the -"convalescent" patient. The old doctor had run a beautiful "bill," but it -was his last in that village. - - -A COUNTRY CONSULTATION. - -The difficulty of obtaining competent counsel in the country can only be -fully comprehended by the intelligent physician who has had experience -therein. - -From Dr. Richmond's "_Scenes in Western Practice_," I have selected the -following lamentable incidents, which I have abbreviated as much as is -consistent with the facts, related by the doctor, who in this case was -called to a wealthy and influential family, two of whom, wife and child, -were prostrated by epidemic dysentery. - -"As my credit was at stake, an old and very grave man was, at my -suggestion, added to the consultation, to guard our reputation from the -usual visitation of gossiping slander that always follows a fatal result -in the country. He examined the child, and gave his opinion that the -symptoms resembled those of ipecac!... But death was ahead of the doctors, -and the little sufferer passed quickly away to a better world. - -"Another child had died in the vicinity, and the _neighbors_ decided on a -change of doctors for the lady. By my consent the inventor of the -'Chingvang Pill' was called, as I assured my friend his wife would now -recover without either of us! - -"He came, and readily detected the fact that he was in luck. His patient -and fees were both safe, and I was floored. - -"'Of course, Dr. R., you will call when _convenient_,' was a polite way of -'letting me down easily,' and I did call. - -"Everything went on swimmingly for two days, when suddenly the scale -turned; two other children were taken vomiting bile and blood. The doctor -was in trouble, and on my friendly call his eye caught mine, and spoke -plainly, 'My credit, too, is gone,--the children will both die.' - -"The children grew rapidly worse; the council of the _neighborhood_ -decided to call further aid. Another regular was called, and, being one of -the heroes, he advised (it is solemn truth, dear reader) _one hundred -grains of calomel at a dose_! His reason was, that he had given it to a -child, and the patient recovered. His medical brother thought it a little -too steep, and they compromised the matter by giving fifty grains! Copious -quantities of fresh blood followed the operation, and the little victim of -disease and quackery slipped from his suffering into the peaceful and -quiet grave! - -"One patient remained, and it was decided to call further counsel. - -"A simple but shrewd old quack was curing cancers in the neighborhood, who -sent word to the afflicted family that he 'could cure the remaining child -by cleansing the bowels with pills of butternut bark, aloes, camphor, and -Cayenne pepper;' he would feed the little fellow on twist-root tea that -would at once stop the discharges. Strange as it may seem, the wily old -fool was called into the august presence of three M. D.'s, and a score of -other counsellors. He gave his pills; fresh blood followed the raking over -the inflamed and sensitive membrane; the child screamed with torture, and -was only relieved from its horrible agony by enemas of morphine. The -celebrated '_twist-root_' (an Indian remedy, whose virtues could not be -appreciated by the educated physician) followed, and death closed the -scene. - -"The old cancer-killer escaped by saying the morphine given in his absence -_killed the child_." - -[Illustration: 'OPATHISTS IN CONSULTATION.] - -The following brief consultation occurred in Fulton, N. Y., recently:-- - -Two physicians were called, of opposite schools. After shaking hands over -the sick man's bed, one said to the other,-- - -"I believe you are an --'opathist." - -"Yes, I am; and you are a --'pathist; are you not?" - -"Yes; and I can't break over the rules of my society by aiding or -counselling with you ---- for the sake of _one_ patient. Good day!" - -"Sir, I mistook you for a Christian, not a barbarian! Good day!" - - -A JOLLY TRIO OF DOCTORS. - -Before entering upon an exposition of the viler and more reprehensible -sort of quacks,--the city charlatans and impostors,--I must relate a -diverting scene, also from a country consultation that occurred in New -York State some years since, from the perusal of which, if the reader -cannot deduce a "moral," he may derive some amusement. - -Mr. H. was an invalid; he was the worst kind of an invalid--a -hypochondriac. The visiting physician had made a pretty good thing of it, -the neighbors affirmed, for "H. was in easy circumstances." Finally he -took to his bed, and declared he was about to shuffle off this mortal -coil. - -Two eminent physicians were summoned from a distance to consult with the -attending physician. They arrived by rail, examined the patient, looked -wise, and the learned trio withdrew to consult upon so "complicated and -important a case." A tea-table had been set in an adjoining room, and to -the abundance of eatables wherewith to refresh the distinguished -professionals who were there to enter upon an "arbitrament of life or -death," were added sundry bottles yet uncorked. - -A little son and daughter of Mr. H. were amusing themselves, meantime, by -a game at "hide-and-seek," and the former, having "played out" all the -legitimate hiding-places, bethought himself of the top of a high secretary -in the "banqueting-room." Action followed thought, and, climbing upon a -chair-back, he gained the dusty elevation, where he quietly seated himself -just as the three wise AEsculapians entered the apartment. His only safety -from discovery was to keep quiet. - -Corks were drawn, supper was discussed, and conversation flowed merrily -along. The weather, the news of the day, and the political crisis were -discoursed, and the little fellow perched high on the secretary wondered -when and what they would decide on his father's case. Nearly an hour had -passed, the doctors were merry, and the boy was tired; but still the -little urchin kept his position. - -"Well, Dr. A., how is practice here, in general?" inquired one of the -counsel. - -"Dull; distressingly healthy. Why, if there don't come a windfall in shape -of an epidemic this fall, I shall _fall_ short for provender for my horse -and bread for my family. How is it with you?" - -"O, quite the reverse from you. I have alive twenty daily patients now." - -"Very sick, any of them?" asked the local physician. - -"No, no,--a little more wine, doctor,--some old women, whom any smart man -can make think they are sick; some stout men, whom medicine will keep as -patients when once under the weather; and silly girls, whom flattery will -always bring again,--ha! ha!" and so saying he gulped down the wine. - -"Why, there goes nine o'clock." - -"What, so late!" exclaimed one counsellor, looking at his gold repeater. - -"We must go or we'll miss the return train," remarked the other; "the -doctor here will manage the patient H., who's only got the _hypo_ badly," -he added. - -"Is that a bust of Pallas he has over his secretary yonder?" asked the -first, discovering the boy for the first time. - -"I'm afraid Dr. ---- has got a little muddled over this excellent 'Old -Port,' that he can't see clearly. Why, that's a bust of _Cupid_." - -"Well," exclaimed the local physician, "I have been here a hundred times, -and never before observed that statue; but," eying the statue fixedly, he -continued, "it looks neither like Pallas nor Cupid, but rather favors H., -and I guess it is a cast he has had recently made of himself." - -Through all this comment and inspection the boy sat as mute as a post; but -the moment the door closed on the retiring doctors, he clambered down and -ran into the sick room. - -[Illustration: A "HYPO" PATIENT DISCHARGING HIS PHYSICIAN.] - -The old doctor had slipped the customary fee into the hands of his -brethren as he bade them good night, and entered the room of his patient. -The latter instantly inquired as to the result of the consultation. The -doctor entered into an elaborate account of the "diagnosis" and -"prognosis" of the case, which was suddenly brought to a close by the -little boy, who, climbing into a chair on the opposite side of the bed, -asked his father what a "hypo" was. - -"You must ask the doctor, my son," replied the father in a feeble voice. - -"Hypo," said the unsuspecting doctor, "is an _imaginary_ disease,--the -hypochondria, vapors, spleen; ha, ha, ha!" - -"Well, papa, that's what the doctors said you've got, 'cause I was on top -of the book-case an' heard all they said, an' that's all." - -The doctor looked blank. H. arose in his bed, trembling with rage. - -"By the heavens above us, I do believe you, my son; and this fellow, this -quack, has never had the manliness to tell me so;" and leaping to the -floor in his brief single garment, he caught the dumb and astonished "M. -D." by the coat collar and another convenient portion of his wardrobe, and -running him to the open door, through the hall, he pitched him out into -the midnight darkness, saying, "There! I have demonstrated the truth of -the assertion by pitching the doctor out of doors." H. recovered his -health. The doctor recovered damages for assault and battery. - -[Illustration] - - - - -VII. - -CHARLATANS AND IMPOSTORS. - - "Every absurdity has a chance to defend itself, for error is always - talkative."--GOLDSMITH. - - DEFINITION.--ADVERTISING CHARLATANS.--CITY IMPOSTORS.--FALSE - NAMES.--"ADVICE FREE."--INTIMIDATIONS.--WHOLESALE ROBBERY.--VISITING - THEIR DENS IN DISGUISE.--PASSING THE CERBERUS.--WINDINGS.--INS AND - OUTS.--THE IRISH PORTER.--QUEER "TWINS," AND A "TRIPLET" DOCTOR.--A - HISTORY OF A KNAVE.--BOOT-BLACK AND BOTTLE-WASHER.--PERQUISITES.-- - PURCHASED DIPLOMAS.--"INSTITUTES."--WHOLESALE SLAUGHTER OF INFANTS.-- - FEMALE HARPIES.--A BOSTON HARPY.--WHERE OUR "LOST CHILDREN" GO.--END - OF A WRETCH. - - -THE CITY CHARLATAN. - -A charlatan is necessarily an impostor. He is "one who prates much in his -own favor, and makes unwarrantable pretensions to skill." He is "one who -imposes on others; a person who assumes a character for the sole purpose -of deception." - -Originally the charlatan was one who circulated about the country, making -false pretensions to extraordinary ability and miraculous cures; but he is -now located in the larger cities, and is the most dangerous and -insinuating of all medical impostors. You will find his name in the -cheapest daily papers. - -Name, did I say? No, never. - -Of all the charlatans advertising in the papers of this city there is but -one who has not advertised under an assumed name. This is _prima facie_ -evidence of imposition. Take up the daily paper,--the cheapest print is -the one that the rabble patronize, a curse to any city,--and run your eye -over the "_Medical Column_." Of the scores of this class advertising -therein none dare publish his real name. There is one impudent fellow, -who, while he assumes respectability, and under his true name, has an -up-town office, and obtains something bordering on an honorable practice, -runs the vilest sort of business, under an assumed name, on a public -thoroughfare down town. - -These fellows usually advertise, "Advice Free." This is not on the modest -principle, that, having no brains, they are scrupulous in not charging for -what they cannot give, however; but this is to get the unsuspecting into -their dens, for they are shrewd enough to perceive that whatever is "free" -the rabble will run after. - -[Illustration: CONVINCING EVIDENCE OF INSOLVENCY.] - -When once the victim is within the web, flattering, intimidations, and -extravagant promises, one or all, generally will accomplish their aim. As -they never expect to see a special victim again, they squeeze the last -dollar from the unfortunate wretch, giving therefor nothing--worse than -nothing! I sent a pretended patient to one of these charlatans not long -since, and, with crocodile tears in his eyes, he related his case to the -_soi-disant_ doctor, who with great sympathy heard his case, and assured -him it was "heart-rending, and, though very dangerous, he could cure him;" -but the knave compelled the patient (!) to turn his pockets inside out to -assure him they contained but the proffered dollar. A small vial of -diluted spirits nitre was the prescription, for which the doctor assured -the patient he usually received twenty to forty dollars! - -I have visited several of these places in disguise, including those of -female doctors, and those advertising as "midwives," every one of whom -agreed to perform a criminal operation upon the mythical lady for whom I -was pretending to intercede. Their prices ranged from five to two hundred -dollars. - -The following painfully ludicrous scene I copy from manuscript notes which -I made some years ago, respecting a visit to one of these impostors. I -vouch for its truthfulness. - -"I next bought a penny paper of a loud-mouthed urchin on the street -corner, and, reading it that evening, the words 'Medical Notice' attracted -my attention. It was all news to me, and I resolved to visit this 'very -celebrated' doctor on the following day, 'advice free.' - -"Accordingly I repaired to his office, as designated in the advertisement. -There were several doors wonderfully near each other, about which were -several doctors' signs conspicuously displayed; and, since I had heard -that 'two of a trade seldom agree,' I thought it remarkable that three or -four of a profession should here be huddled together. - -"'STEP IN THE ENTRY AND RING THE BELL,' I read on a sign, in big yellow -letters. I did so, when a big burly Irishman answered the summons. - -"'An' who'll yeze like to see, sure?' he inquired, with a broad grin. - -"'Dr. A.,' I replied, eying this Cerberus with awakening suspicion. - -"'He's just in, sure. Come, follow me.' - -"He led the way across a small room, and through a darkened hall, around -which I cast a suspicious glance, noticing, among other things unusual, -that the partitions did not reach the ceiling. Thence we entered another -room, which, from the roundabout way we had approached, I thought must be -opposite the outer door of Dr. B.'s or Dr. C.'s office. - -"Here Pat left me, saying, 'The ixcillint doctor will be to see yeze -ferninst he gits through wid the gintleman who was before your honor.' - -[Illustration: "AN' WHO'LL YEZE LIKE TO SEE, SURE?"] - -"I took a look about the room. The partitions on two sides were temporary. -On one side of the apartment stood an old mahogany secretary. Through the -dingy glass doors I took a peep. The shelves contained several volumes of -'Patent Office Reports,' odd numbers of an old London magazine, and such -like useless works. On the walls were a few soiled cheap anatomical -plates, such as you will see in 'galleries' or 'museums' fitted up by -quack doctors, to intimidate the beholder. I could look no farther, as the -door opened, and a man entered, who, looking nervously around, at once -asked my business. - -"'Are you Dr. A.?' I asked. - -"'I am. Please be seated. You are sick--very sick,' he said hurriedly, and -in a manner intended to frighten me. - -"Five minutes' conversation satisfied us both--him that I had no money, -and me that he had no skill. After vainly endeavoring to extort from me my -present address, he unceremoniously showed me out. - -"As I closed the door I looked to the name and number, and, as I had -anticipated, found myself at Dr. B.'s entrance. - -"Turning up my coat collar, and tying a large colored silk handkerchief -over the lower part of my face, I knocked at the third door, Dr C.'s. - -"The same Irishman thrust out his uncombed head and unwashed face; the -same words in the same vernacular language followed. - -"'I wish to see Dr. C.,' I replied, changing my voice slightly. - -"'He's in, jist. It never rains but it pours. Himself it is that has a -bully crowd of patients the day; but coome in.' - -"He did not recognize me--that was certain; so I followed, and was led -through a labyrinth of rooms and halls, as before, and ushered into a -small room, where the polite and loquacious Pat offered me a chair, and -giving the right earlock a pull and his left foot a slip back, he said, -with his broadest grin and most murderous English,-- - -"'I'll be shpaking the doctor to come to yeze at once intirely.' - -"'But he has others with whom he is engaged, you said but a moment ago.' - -"'Ah, yeze niver mind. Theyze ben't gintlemen like yerself, if yeze do -come disguised;' and with a '_whist_' he tip-toed across the room, applied -his ear to the keyhole of the door a moment, and returned in the same -manner. - -"'It's all right; now I'll go for the doctor;' but still he lingered. - -"'Well, why the d----l don't you go?' I said, impatiently. - -"'Ah, gintlemen always come disguised to see Dr. A.--no--Dr. B., I mean.' - -"''Tis Dr. C. I asked for,' I interrupted. - -"'Yis, yis,' he replied, collecting his muddled senses. 'Yis, sure, you -did, an' gintlemen always swear--two signs yeze a gintleman. Could yeze -spare a quarter for a poor divil? By the howly mither, I git narry a cint, -bating what sich gintlemen as yeze gives me. I have a big family to ate at -home. There's Bridget' (counting his fingers by the way of a reminder), -'she's sick with the baby; then there's the twins,--two of thim, as I'm a -sinner,--and little lame Mike, what's got the rackabites, the doctor -says--' - -"'Got the what?' I interrupted. - -"'The rackabites, or some sich dumbed disease,' he replied, scratching his -head. - -"'O, you mean rickets. But how old are the twins, and Mike, and the baby?' - -"'Will, let me see. The baby is tin days, and not christened yit, for -we've not got the money for Father Prince, and there's Mike is siven, and -Mary is four, and Bridget junior is five.' - -"'And the twins?' I asked, not a little amused. - -"'Yis, them's Mary and Bridget junior,--four and five.' - -"I interrupted him by a laugh, gave him the desired quarter, and told him -to hasten the doctor, which request he proceeded to execute. - -"On the heels of retiring Pat the door opened, and the same doctor I had -before seen entered. - -"'I want to consult Dr. C.,' I drawled out. - -"'I am Dr. C.,' he replied, measuring me from head to foot sharply. - -"Fearing he would penetrate my disguise, I hastened my errand. 'Having an -ulcerated and painful tooth I wish removed, or--' - -"'This ain't a dentist's office; but if you have any peculiar disease, I -am the physician of all others to relieve you.' - -"I being sure now of my man, that this same villain was running three -offices under as many different _aliases_, my next object was to get -safely out of his den. - -"'I have no need of any such services as you intimate. 'Tis only the -tooth--' - -"Here he interrupted me by an impatient gesture, intimating that only a -descendant of the monosyllable animal once chastised by one Balaam would -have entered his office to have a tooth drawn. Admitting the truth of his -assertion, and offering my humblest apology, I hurriedly withdrew from -this _triplet_ doctor. - -"Safely away, I reflected as follows: Here, now, is this scoundrel, by the -assistance of an equally ignorant Irishman, conducting at least three -offices on a public thoroughfare, under as many assumed names. - -"'Why, the fellow is a perfect chameleon!' I exclaimed, walking away. 'He -changes his name to suit the applicants to the various rooms. You want Dr. -A.,--he is that individual. You desire to see Dr. B.,--when, _presto!_ he -is at once the identical man. And so it goes, while his amiable assistant -seems to be making a nice little thing of it on his own account. Why all -these intricate passages? and why was I each time taken around through -them, and out through a different door from that which I entered? Did a -legitimate business require such mazy windings as I had just passed -through? Did Dr. A., B., or C., or whatever his name might be, rob his -patients in one place and thrust them out at another, that they might not -be able to testify where and by whom they had been victimized? Was not the -newspaper proprietor who advertised these several offices a _particeps -criminis_ in the transaction? And with these facts and suggestions I -leave the fellow, who by no means is a solitary example of this sort of -fraud.'" - -On another street in this city is another branch from the Upas tree. I do -not wish to advertise for him, hence omit his _names_, which are legion. -Two of them begin with the letter D. The true name of this impostor -commences with an M. He is old enough to be better. I know of patients who -have been fleeced by him without receiving the least benefit, when the -knowledge necessary to prescribe for their recovery, or of so simple a -case, might be possessed by even the office boy. - -You go to his first office and inquire for the first _alias_. The usher, a -boy sometimes, takes you in, and, slipping out the back door, he calls the -old doctor from the next office. They are not connected. Through a glass -door he takes a survey of you, to assure himself that you have not been -victimized by him already under his other _aliases_. - -If he so recognizes you, he summons a convenient "assistant" to personate -the doctor, and thus you are robbed a second time. - - -HISTORY OF A KNAVE. - -The following is a brief and true history of one of the vilest charlatans -and impostors now practising in Boston. He has amassed a fortune within a -few years by the most barefaced villanies ever resorted to by man. He is -one of the most abominable charlatans, who, for the almighty dollar, would -willingly sacrifice the lives of his unfortunate victims, who, by glowing -newspaper statements and seductive promises, have been drawn into his -murderous den. By the side of such unprincipled villains, the highwaymen, -the Dick Turpins, with their "Stand and deliver!" or "Your money or your -life!" are angels of mercy, for the former rob you of your last dollar, -and either endanger your life by giving you useless drugs that check not -the disease, or hasten your demise by poisonous compounds given at -random, the virulent properties of which the vampires know but little and -care less. - -Their boast that their remedies are "_purely vegetable_," "hence -uninjurious", is as false as their pretensions to skill, and is counted -for nothing when we know that vegetable poisons are more numerous, and -often more rapid and violent in their action, than minerals. Both calomel -and other minerals are often _given_ by these charlatans. I say _given_, -for few of them know enough to write a legible prescription, much less to -write the voluminous works which they put forth on "manhood," "physiology -of woman," etc., which are but so many advertisements for their vile trade -and criminal practices, and are intended to alarm and corrupt the young -and unwary into whose hands they may unfortunately fall. - -This fellow, whom I am now to describe, who sometimes prefixes "professor" -to his name, was born in the State of New Hampshire, and when a young man -came to this city to seek his fortune. After various ups and downs, he -became boot-black, porter, and general lackey in the Pearl Street House, -then in full blast. He was said to be a youth of rather prepossessing, -though insinuating address, and being constantly on the alert for odd -pennies and "dimes," succeeded in keeping himself in pocket-money without -committing theft, or otherwise compromising his liberty. But the odd -change, and his meagre salary, did not long remain in pocket, for the -courtesans, who are ever on the alert for unsophisticated youth who throng -to the cities, managed to obtain the lion's share from this embryo doctor, -whose future greatness he himself never half suspected. Disease, the usual -result of intercourse with such creatures, was the consequent inheritance -of this young man. - -"What, in the name of Heaven, shall I now do?" he asked himself, in his -distress and despair. "Money I have none. O God! what shall I do?" - -"Drown yourself," replied the tempter. - -Such fellows seldom drown. Females, their victims, drown; but who ever -heard of a natural-born villain committing suicide, unless to escape the -threatening halter? - -No, he did not drown, though it had been better for humanity if he had. He -went to an old advertising charlatan, who then kept an office in a lower -street of this city, a mercenary old vampire, named Stevens. Into the -august presence of the charlatan young M. entered, and, trembling and -weeping, told his history. - -[Illustration: A BOSTON QUACK EXAMINING A STUDENT.] - -"Have you got any money, young man?" growled the old doctor, wheeling -around, and for the first time condescending to notice the poor wretch. - -"No," he sobbed in a pitiful voice. - -"Then what do you come here for, sir?" roared the doctor, whose pity was -a thing of the past. His soul was impenetrable to the appeal of suffering -as the hide of the rhinoceros to a leaden bullet. - -The young man, fortunately, did not know this fact, and persevered. - -"I thought I might work for you to pay for treatment. O, I'll do -anything--sweep your office, wash up the floors and bottles, black your -boots, do anything and everything, if you'll only cure me. O, do! Say you -will, sir!" and the young man writhed in agony of suspense. - -"Humph!" grunted the old doctor, contemplatingly. - -Doubtless he was considering the advantages which might accrue from -accepting the proposition of this earnest applicant, for, after eying him -sharply, and beating the devil's tattoo for a few moments upon his table, -the doctor condescended to "look into his case," and finally to treat the -young man's disease upon the proposed terms. - -M. began his apprenticeship by sweeping the office, and the old doctor -held him to the very letter of the agreement, keeping him at the most -menial service,--boot-blacking, bottle-washing, door-tending, -etc.,--protracting his disease as he found the young man useful, till the -old knave dared no longer delay the cure, for thereby the victim might go -elsewhere for help. When cured, M. engaged to continue work for the small -compensation that the doctor offered, especially since he and the old man -had begun to understand each other pretty well, and each was equally -unscrupulous as to the sponging of the unfortunate victims who fell into -their hands. - -When the doctor was observed to prescribe from any particular bottle, M. -took a mental memorandum thereof till such time as he could take a look at -the label, thereby learning the prescription for such disease; and the -result was a decision that if this was the science of healing, "_it didn't -take much of a man to be a_"--_doctor_. - -When the old doctor was absent, M. would prescribe on his own account, -charge an extra dollar or two as perquisites, and deposit the balance in -the doctor's till. - -In course of time, by this process of extortion, solicitations, and the -increasing perquisites, M. was enabled to set up doctoring on his own -account. The old doctor died, and M. had it all his own way. - -The young self-styled doctor saw no particular need of making effort to -acquire medical knowledge, but a diploma to hang upon his office walls, -with the few disgusting anatomical plates (appropriated from Dr. S.), -which were admirably adapted to intimidate his simple-minded dupes,--a -diploma from some medical society would give character to the -"institution," and such he would obtain. - -Being cited to court as defendant in a certain case, this _soi-disant_ "M. -D." was compelled to retract a former statement that he had attended -medical lectures in Pennsylvania College, where he graduated with honors, -and come down to the truthful statement, _for once in his life_, and swear -that he had obtained his diploma by _purchase_. - -His present rooms--house and office--are located in the heart of the city, -and are not exceeded for convenience and neatness by those of the -respectable practitioner. Having amassed a great fortune out of the -credulity, misfortunes, and passions of the unfortunate, he has settled -down to the plane of the more respectable advertising doctors, and the -terrifying plates no longer cover the walls of the _best_ reception-room; -but a few valuable pictures and the Philadelphia diploma are conspicuously -displayed above the elegant furniture and valuable articles of _virtu_. - -The same extortions and reprehensible practices are still resorted to in -order to keep up this "institution." His earlier history is gathered from -_his own statements_, by piecemeal, by a confidential "student," the -latter portion by _personal investigation_ of the writer. - -Respecting the matter of purchasing diplomas, I will state that I have -seen a "Regular Medical Diploma" advertised in the New York _Herald_ for -one hundred dollars. The name originally written therein is extracted by -oxalic acid, or other chemicals. I knew a physician who parted with his -Latin diploma for fifty dollars. - -I here warn the youth, and the public in general, against those advertised -"_institutes_," though the name may be selected from that of some -benevolent individual,--to give it a look of a benevolent character,--even -though it be a "Nightengale," or a "Peabody," or a "St. Mary," and -managed, _ostensibly_, under the sanction of the church or state--beware -of it. Without, it is the whited sepulchre, within, the blood, flesh, and -bones of dead men, women, and children. - -Some years since there was found, after the flight of one Dr. Jaques (?), -in a vault in the city of Boston, the bones of some half score infants. -The murderous charlatan escaped the halter he so richly deserved, and was -practising in a New England village not above six years since. - -Another impostor, who has been extensively advertised in this city under -an assumed name--selected to correspond with the familiar name of a -celebrated New York (also a late Boston) physician and surgeon--who not -only cheekily claims to be an "M. D.," but assumes the titles of F. R. S., -etc., was but a short time before a dry goods seller on Hanover Street. He -never read a standard medical work in his life. Although the villain has -gone to parts unknown to the writer, the concern he recently represented -as "consulting physician" is in full blast, and the same name and titles -are blazoned forth daily in the public prints. - -Men get rich in these "institutes," take in an "assistant" for a few -weeks, then sell out to the _novus homo_, and the thing goes on under the -old name until the new man gains strength and confidence sufficient to -carry it along under his own or his assumed title. - - -FEMALE HARPIES. - -Under the name of "female physician," "midwife," etc., the most illicit -and nefarious atrocities are daily practised by the numerous harpies who -infest all our principal cities. The mythological harpies were represented -as having the faces of women, heartless, with filthy bodies, and claws -sharp and strong for fingers, which, once fastened upon human flesh, never -relaxed till the last drop of life's blood was wrung from their -unfortunate victim. - -Virgil thus expressively described them in the third book of the AEneid:-- - - "When from the mountain-tops, with hideous cry - And clattering wings, the filthy harpies fly; - Monsters more fierce offending Heaven ne'er sent - From hell's abyss for human punishment; - With virgin faces, but with ---- obscene, - With claws for hands, and looks forever lean!" - -I will describe but one of the modern harpies of Boston, appealing to the -reader if our text above is too severe. - -More than forty years ago, a young, fair, and promising girl came to this -city from the White Mountains of New Hampshire. From her maiden home, near -Meredith Village, from under the humble roof of Christian parents, she -wandered into the haunts of vice and the abodes of wretchedness and -disease in the lower part of Boston. - -Her maiden name was Elizabeth Leach. You will find her name in the City -Directory (1871) "_Madam Ester, midwife_." - -We have not space to write out her whole history, nor inclination to -spread before the refined reader the first years of the gay life of this -attractive damsel, the seductive and sinful debaucheries of the -fascinating, unprincipled woman, nor the more repulsive declination of the -diseased and malevolent _bawd_! - -The writer has seen a picture of her home in New Hampshire, a -daguerreotype of her in her virginity, and a painting, taken from her -sittings, in middle life. In stature, she is tall and stout; in manner, -coarse and repulsive. If ever I saw a woman carrying, stamped in every -lineament of her countenance, a hard, heartless, soulless, murderous -expression, that woman is Madam Ester. Neither the tears, the -heart-anguishes, nor the life's blood of the fatherless infant, the -husbandless mother, the orphaned or friendless maiden, could draw a -sympathizing look or expression from the hardened features of that -wretched woman. _She is the John Allen of Boston._ - -For years she has carried on, under the cloak of a "midwife," the most -cruel and reprehensible occupation which ever disgraced an outraged -community. By extortionate prices she has gained no inconsiderable wealth, -and her house, though located in a narrow, darkened alley, or court, is -fitted up with an elegance equalling that of some of our best and -wealthiest merchants. From parlor to attic, it is splendidly furnished. - -She assured me she hated mankind with inexpressible hatred; that man had -been her ruin, the instrument of her disease, and would eventually be the -cause of her death. She cursed both man and her Maker! - -Last spring there appeared an advertisement in a city paper of a young -girl who was lost, or abducted from the home of her parents, in which the -young lady was described as being but sixteen to seventeen years of age, -of light complexion, blue eyes, of but medium height, named Mary ----; and -as she took no clothes but those she had on, never before went from home -without her parents' consent, and had no trouble at home, her absence -could not be accounted for. Any information respecting her would be -gratefully received by her distressed parents. - -She was all this time at the home of Madam Ester. - -The young man who completed her ruin, like the contemptible cur he was, -deserted her in her distress, leaving her in the hands of the miserable -wretch above described. The girl had one hundred and twenty dollars. A -part of it was her own money; some she borrowed, having some influential -friends, and the balance her father gave her, ostensibly for the purchase -of clothing. - -The old vampire appropriated every cent of the sum, and in fourteen days -turned the weak and wretched girl into the street, without sufficient -money to pay her coach fare to her father's house. A young girl then in -the employ of the unfeeling old wretch gave her five dollars, and she -informed her kind benefactress that she should go home and say that she -had been at service in a family on Beacon Street, but being sick, could -earn no greater wages than the sum then in her possession. "The pale and -sickly countenance of the poor girl, after the abuse and torture she had -undergone," said my informant, "certainly would seem to corroborate her -story." - -Since the above was written the wicked old wretch has died--died a natural -death, sitting in her chair! - -On the last day of July, 1871, she sent a girl, a well-dressed and very -lady-like appearing young woman, to my office, to know if I could be at -liberty to give her a consultation that afternoon. She sent no address; -merely a "woman with a cancer of the breast." She came. She introduced her -business, not her name. I pronounced her case hopeless, advised her to -"close up her worldly affairs, and make her peace with God and mankind, as -she could live but a short time." This was given the more plainly, since -she "demanded to know the worst," and because of her bold attempt to -browbeat me into treating her hopeless case. The cancer was immense, had -been cut once by Dr. ----, of this city. Her attendant told me that the -old woman never ceased to berate me for my truthful prognosis, and that -from that time she gave up all hope of recovery, and soon closed her -nefarious practice. I have since gathered all the information respecting -her that was possible. I knew at sight that I had a remarkable woman to -deal with, and, agreeably to her invitation, I took another physician, a -graduate of Harvard College, and went to her house, ostensibly to consult -over her case.... - -A woman who has known madam for many years told me that the old woman was -familiar with chemicals, and by the use of acids and alkalies could -completely destroy the flesh and bones of infants. She had never seen her -do it, but had seen the chemicals, and referred me to persons who had seen -the dead body of a female brought out from the house at midnight, and -taken away in a wagon. She said she practised great cruelty upon the -unfortunate victims who had been placed under her hands, and that their -cries had often been heard by the neighbors living in the court. - -She said that madam claimed to have been the wife of a policeman who was -killed at Fort Hill, and that she was also since married to a Captain -----. The latter was untrue. Madam told me she once _thought_ she was -married, but it was a deception on her--a mock marriage. She possessed -great quantities of magnificent clothing,--rich dresses of silk, satin, -velvet, etc.,--and a beautiful wedding _trousseau_, which, but a short -time before her death, she caused to be brought out and displayed before -her. - -"O, take them away; I never shall wear them," she said. And she never did. - -There is another female physician now residing in this city, who I know -has accumulated a considerable property as midwife; but if report, and -assertions of victims, are true, she has gained it by threats and -extortions. She is now out of practice, or nearly. Her _modus operandi_ -was to take the unfortunate female, treat her very tenderly, get hold of -her secret, learn the gentleman's name, business, and wealth, and -then--especially if he was a family man before--make him "come down," -through fear of exposure. Men have "come down" with thousands, little by -little, till they were ruined pecuniarily under this fearful blackmailing. -I doubt if money could hire her to perform a criminal operation. She can -make more money by keeping the unfortunate girl, and blackmailing the -seducer, _or any other individual_ who can be scared into the trap, -provided the guilty one has no money. "Blessed be nothing," said the Arab. - -These people carry on their trade very quietly. Their very next door -neighbors may know nothing of the unlawful acts committed right under -their noses. It is for the interest of all concerned to keep everything -quiet. Their customers, and even their victims, come and go after -nightfall. - -There is still another class, mostly males, practising in this city, who, -under fair pretences and great promises, get the patients' money, and give -them no equivalent therefor. Beyond the robbery,--for that is what it is; -no more nor less,--and the protracting of a disease (or giving nature more -time, as the case may be),--they do the applicant no injury. They receive -a fee, calculating it to a nicety, according to the depth of your pocket, -give some simple mixture, and bow you out. - -Many an honest patient, seeing their high-flown advertisements in the -dailies, weeklies, even religious (!) papers, from month to month, is -induced to visit these impostors. Their offices may be in a less public -street, in a private residence, and have every outward appearance of -respectability. - -There is a class of male practitioners, not unusually having a Latin -diploma, who never appear in the prints. They are the "Nurse Gibbon" -class, who employ one or more females to drum patients for them. The -following is a truthful statement respecting a visit to one in 1850:-- - -"On my arrival on the steamer Penobscot at Boston, the lady met me, and, -according to arrangement, took me to see 'her physician.' His office was -on Chambers Street, left side, a few doors from Cambridge Street, Boston. -The doctor was an elderly, pompous individual, who wore gold spectacles, -an immense fob chain, and chewed Burgundy pitch. Let this suffice for his -description. Poor man! for if his own theology is true, he has gone where -Burgundy pitch will be very likely to melt. Excuse this passing tribute to -his memory, my dear reader. - -"Notwithstanding my friend's lavish praise of her doctor, the first sight -of him failed to inspire me with confidence. I was introduced, and the -doctor swelled up with his own importance, and said, impressively,-- - -"Those physicians--amiable men, no doubt--who have treated your case-ah -have been all wrong in their diagnosis-ah." This was his prelude, as he -counted my pulse by a large gold watch, which he held conspicuously before -me. - -"Your kind friend and benefactress has saved your life-ah, by conducting -you to me before too late-ah." He stopped to watch the effect of this bid -for a high fee before proceeding. - -"Ah, sir, had you but come to me first-ah, you would now be rejoicing in -perfect health-ah; whereas you have narrowly escaped death and eternal -torments-ah." - -He again took breath, looking very solemn. - -"But, sir, I never heard of you before this lady wrote to me," I said. - -"True-ah. I do not advertise myself. The veriest quack may advertise-ah. -Your case is very dangerous. _Hepatitis, cum nephritis_-ah," he -soliloquized, shaking his head very wisely, while my friend nodded, as if -to say, "There! I told you so. He knows all about it." - -"Yes, very dangerous-ah. But take my medicines; my pills--hepatica-lobus, -and my neuropathicum-ah, and they will restore you to health and -happiness-ah, in a few weeks-ah;" and he rubbed his palms complacently, as -if in anticipation of a good fat fee for his prescription. - -"Will they cure this?" I asked, turning my head, and placing a finger upon -a tumor on the right hand side of my neck. - -"O-ah, let me see." And so saying, he took a brief survey of the -protuberance, and coolly remarked that it was of no material importance. -As that was, to my mind, of great consequence, I was dumbfounded by his -indifference to its importance. - -Selecting a box of pills, and a vial of transparent liquid, the doctor -presented them to me with a flourish, saying, in his blandest manner,-- - -"All there; directions inside-ah; ten dollars-ah." - -"What!" And I arose in astonishment, gazing alternately at the doctor and -my friend, but could not utter another word. I was but a country -greenhorn, you know, and quite unused to city prices. - -My friend took the doctor aside, when, after a moment's conversation -between them, he returned, and said that "in consideration of the -recommendation of the lady, he would take but five dollars-ah." - -I paid the bill, and, quite disgusted, took my departure. - -That evening I carried the medicines to a druggist, requesting him to -inform me what they were. After examining them, he replied,-- - -"The liquid is simply sweet spirits of nitre, diluted," looking over his -glasses at me suspiciously, I thought. "These, I should say, are blue -pills, a mild preparation of mercury," returning me the pills. A second -druggist, to whom I applied, told me the same, and, knowing they were not -what I required for a scrofulous tumor, I threw them into the gutter. -_Ah!_ - -[Illustration] - - - - -VIII. - -ANECDOTES OF PHYSICIANS. - - "I find, Dick, that you are in the habit of taking my best jokes, and - passing them off as your own. Do you call that the conduct of a - gentleman?" - - "To be sure, Tom. Why, a true gentleman will always take a joke from a - friend." - - A WANT SUPPLIED.--ORIGINAL ANECDOTES OF ABERNETHY.--A LIVE - IRISHMAN.--MADAM ROTHSCHILD.--LARGE FEET.--A SHANGHAI - ROOSTER.--SPREADING HERSELF.--KEROSENE.--"SALERATUS."--HIS LAST - JOKE.--AN ASTONISHED DARKY.--OLD DR. K.'s MARE.--A SCARED - CUSTOMER.--"WHAT'S TRUMPS?"--"LET GO THEM HALYARDS."--MEDICAL - TITBITS.--MORE MUSTARD THAN MEAT.--"I WANT TO BE AN - ANGEL."--TOOTH-DRAWING.--DR. BEECHER VS. DR. HOLMES.--STEALING - TIME.--CHOLERA FENCED IN.--"A JOKE THAT'S NOT A JOKE."--A DRY - SHOWER-BATH.--PARBOILING AN OLD LADY. - - -"There would be no difficulty in multiplying anecdotes attributed to -Abernethy (or other celebrated physicians) _ad libitum_, but there are -three objections to such a course. First, there are many told of him which -never happened; others, which may possibly have occurred, you find it -impossible to authenticate; and lastly, there is a class which, if they -happened to Dr. Abernethy, certainly happened to others before he was -born. In fact, when a man once gets a reputation of doing or saying odd -things, every story in which the chief person is unknown or unremembered, -is given to the next man whose reputation for such is -remarkable."--_Memoirs of Dr. Abernethy, by George Macilwain, F. R. C. S., -etc., etc._ - -Notwithstanding the great number of authentic anecdotes of physicians -which might be collected together, Mr. Campbell, the experienced -antiquarian bookseller, of Boston, assures me there is no such book in -print. I have been many years collecting such, and for this chapter I have -selected therefrom those most chaste, amusing, instructive, and authentic. - -The following original anecdote of the great English surgeon I obtained -verbally from Mr. Sladden, of Chicago:-- - -"My grandmother once visited Dr. Abernethy, with her eldest son, my uncle, -living in London, to consult the great physician respecting an inveterate -humor of the scalp, with which the child was afflicted. - -"There were a great many patients in waiting, and when it came my -grandmother's turn, she walked up to the great man, and removing the boy's -cap, presented the case for his inspection in silence. He took a quick -glance at the humory head, turned to the old lady, and said,-- - -"'Madam, the best thing I can recommend for that disease is a plenty of -warm water and soap. And, by the way, if that don't remove it, the next -best thing is to apply freely soap and warm water. Five guineas, if you -please, ma'am.' - -"As my grandmother was the embodiment of neatness, she never forgave the -doctor for this broad intimation of the questionableness of her neatness." - -Dr. Stowe told the following story of Dr. Abernethy and a live Irishman:-- - -"It occurred at Bath. A crowd of pupils, myself one of them, were -following Mr. Abernethy through the crowded wards of the hospital, when -the apparition of a poor Irishman, with the scantiest shirt I ever saw, -jumped from a bed, and literally throwing himself on his knees at the -doctor's feet, presented itself. We were startled for a moment, but the -poor fellow, with all his country's eloquence, poured out such a torrent -of praise, prayers, and blessings, and illustrated it with such ludicrous -pantomimic displays of his leg, all splintered and bandaged, that we were -not long left in doubt. - -"'That's the leg, your hon-nor. Glory be to God. Yer honnor's the buy what -saved it. May the heavens be yer bed. Long life to yer honnor. To the -divil with the spalpeens that wanted to cut it off!' etc. - -"With some difficulty the patient was replaced in bed, and the doctor -said,-- - -"'I am glad your leg is doing well, but never kneel again, except to your -Maker.' - -"The doctor took the opportunity of giving us a clinical lecture about -diseases and their constitutional treatment. Every sentence Abernethy -uttered, Pat confirmed. - -[Illustration: DR. ABERNETHY IN THE HOSPITAL.] - -"'Thrue for yer honnor; divil a lie at all, at all. His honnor's the -grathe doctor, entirely,' etc. - -"At the slightest allusion to his case, off went the bed-clothes, and up -went the leg, as if taking aim at the ceiling. 'That's it, be gorra! and a -betther leg than the villain's that wanted to slice it off, entirely.' - -"The students actually roared with laughter, but Abernethy retained his -usual gravity throughout the whole of the ludicrous scene." - -Madam Rothschild, mother of the mighty capitalists, attained the great age -of ninety-eight. Her wits, which were of no common order, were preserved -to the end. During her last illness, when surrounded by her family and -some friends, she turned to her physician, and said, in a suppliant -tone,-- - -"My dear doctor, I pray you try to do something for me." - -"Madam, what can I do? I cannot make you young again." - -"No, doctor; nor do I want to be young again. But I want to continue to -grow old." - - -LARGE FEET. - -Dr. Wood was a man of large "understanding." One day at a presidential -reception he was standing in a large crowd, when he felt two feet pressing -on his patent leathers. Looking down, he discovered that the said feet -belonged to a female. Wood was a bachelor, and at first the sensation was -delightful. It made inexpressibly delicious thrills run all up and down -his body. But as the _impression_ was all on the lady's side, the above -sensations became gradually superseded by those not quite so delightful, -and finally the pressure became very uncomfortable. Mustering courage, he -said, very gently,-- - -"Madam, if you please, you are standing on my feet--" - -"Your feet, sir, did you say?" For the crowd was so dense that she could -not possibly see to the ground. - -"Yes, madam, on my feet--this last half hour," very politely. - -"O, I beg a thousand pardons, sir; I thought I was standing on a block. -_They are quite large, sir_," trying to remove. - -"Yes, ma'am, quite large; but _yours covered 'em, madam_." - - -A SHANGHAI ROOSTER. - -Many people suffer more from the anticipation of trouble than by the -actual infliction. The world is full of "trouble-borrowers." They -generally keep a stock on hand to lend to those who unfortunately are -compelled to listen to them. The following is a mitigated case:-- - -"Sir," said a physician visiting a patient in the suburbs of this city, to -a neighbor, "your Shanghai greatly disturbs my patient." - -"Is it possible?" asked the neighbor, expressing surprise. - -"Yes, the bird is a terrible nuisance, giving the patient no peace, day or -night, he informs me; but he did not want to complain." - -"But," replied the sceptical owner, "I don't see how he can annoy neighbor -B. Why, he only crows twice in the night, and only two or three times at -regular intervals during the day." - -"Yes; but you don't take into consideration all the times the patient is -_expecting_ him to crow." - - -SPREADING HERSELF. - -In a country town in Maine the writer knew an elderly physician, who had -married a wife much younger than himself, whose aristocratic notions -hardly coincided with those of this democratic people, though she had now -lived here several years. Finally a young physician came into the place -and commenced practice. Among the patients that he obtained from the old -doctor's former practice was one named Higgins. - -Mrs. Higgins, whose daughter had just recovered from a fever, gave a -party, to which the families of both doctors, with the two ministers, and -others, were invited. - -"Will you go to Mrs. Higgins's party?" asked a neighbor of the old -doctor's wife. - -"Yes, I intend to go, by all means, for I want to see old Mother Higgins -and her new doctor spread themselves." - -This reminds me of the following story, which is too good to be lost:-- - -"'Once upon a time,' an old lady sent her grandson to set a turkey,--not -the gobbler, as did the parson in Mrs. Stowe's 'Minister's Wooing.' On his -return, the following dialogue occurred:-- - -"'Sammy, my dear, have you set her?' - -"'Yes, grandma,' replied Hopeful. - -[Illustration: "AN EXTENSIVE SET."] - -"'Fixed the nest up all nice, Sammy?' - -"'O, mighty fine, grandma.' - -"'Did you count the eggs, Sammy, and get an odd number?' - -"'Yes, grandma.' - -"'How many eggs did you set her on, Sammy, dear?' - -"'One hundred and twenty-one, grandma.' - -"'O, goodness gracious! Why did you put so many eggs under her, Sammy?' - -"'Why, grandma, I wanted to see the old thing spread herself.'" - - -KEROSENE. - -Some editors are continually making themselves ridiculous, as well as -endangering the life of some person as ignorant in the matter as -themselves, by publishing at random "remedies" for certain complaints, of -both of which--remedy and disease--they knew nothing. The following I cut -from a paper:-- - -"One thing I will mention which may be useful to some one. Kerosene oil -has been found effective as a vermifuge. It is given by the mouth for -round stomach worms, and as an enema for pin worms. It is free from the -irritation which follows the use of spirits turpentine, and is equally as -effective." (No directions as to quantity at a dose.) - -An Irishwoman in Hartford, Conn., spelling out the above in a newspaper, -concluded to give her child, a boy of ten, a dose, under the belief that -"wurrums ailed the child," and as it was harmless (?), she would give him -the benefit of its harmlessness, and her ignorance, and administered -accordingly a _tea-cup full_! - -Frightful symptoms supervened,--colic, vomiting, etc.,--when a doctor was -sent for, who being absent, his student--who hardly understood the danger -of the case, and was a bit of a wag, by the way--sent the following -prescription:-- - -"[R]. Run a wick down the child's throat; any lamp or candle wick will do, -provided it is long enough; set fire to the end left outside, _and use him -for a lamp till the doctor arrives_." SELAH. - -This may seem too ridiculous to believe, but it is the truth, -nevertheless. - - -SALERATUS VS. SUGAR. - -Early one summer morning, while practising in Plymouth, Conn., the writer -was startled by a loud knock at the front door, which I hastened to -answer. There stood an Irishman, well known as living in a little hut, -down on the "Meadows," whose name was Fitzgibbon. He was all out of -breath, and the great drops of sweat were rolling all down his rough face, -which he was endeavoring to mop up with a huge bandanna handkerchief. As -soon as he could possibly articulate, he exclaimed,-- - -"O, docther, docther! take yourself--down to that sha-anty as quick as ye -conva-niantly can, plaze." - -[Illustration: "O, DOCTHER, DEAR, I'VE PIZENED ME BOY."] - -"Why, what's the matter at the shanty, Fitzgibbon?" - -"O, docther, dear, I've pizened my boy; what will I do intirely?" - -"How did it happen? Don't be alarmed, Fitzgibbon." For his manner was -frightful. - -"Will, I'll till yeze. He's been sick wid the masles. Will, he's ate -nothin' for a hole wake, and in the night he wanted some bread an' sugar, -do ye see? an' I had no candle, an' I wint in the dark, an' spread him -some bread, an' he ate it intirely, an' it was saleratus I put on it, -instead of sugar; an' it's now atin' him intirely! O, dear, dear, that I -should iver give him saleratus instead o' sugar!" - -"Well, Fitzgibbon, if the boy is so big a fool that he don't know the -difference between saleratus and sugar, let him die." - -"O, docther, don't say so!" exclaimed the poor fellow, in agony. - -Then I suddenly recollected that the sense of taste was always vitiated in -measles, and thus excused the matter, adding,-- - -"Now, run home, 'Gibbon, and give the little fellow a tea-spoonful of -vinegar in a little sugar and water,--not saleratus and water, mind you." - -"No, by the great St. Patrick, I'll niver mistake the likes again," he -earnestly interrupted, when I went on, saying,-- - -"Then in half an hour give him another tea-spoonful, and that will relieve -the 'gnawing at his stomach,' and by an hour I'll drive round there and -see him, on my way to Watertown." - -"I'll trust to yeze to git it out of him. God bless yeze;" and away he -darted, saying, "O, howly mother! that I should give him saleratus for -sugar!" - - -HIS LAST JOKE. - -A celebrated English physician, who was also a distinguished humorist, -when about to die, requested that none of his friends be invited to his -funeral. - -A friend inquired the reason of this remarkable request. - -"Because," sighed the dying but polite humorist, "it is a courtesy which -can never be returned." - -Charles Matthews, the celebrated comedian, who died in 1837, put the above -entirely in the shade by _his_ last joke. - -The attending physician had left Mr. Matthews some medicine in a vial, -which a friend was to administer during the night. By mistake, he gave the -patient some ink from a vial which stood near. On discovering the error, -his friend exclaimed, "O, gracious Heavens, Matthews, I have given you -ink, instead of medicine." - -"Never--never mind, my dear boy," said the dying man faintly; "_I will -swallow a piece of blotting paper_." - - -AN ASTONISHED NEGRO. - -Dr. Robertson, of Charleston, S. C., who attended the writer in 1852, with -the yellow fever, was as competent, benevolent, and faithful a physician -as I ever had the pleasure of meeting. His services were in great demand -during the raging of the "yellow Jack," and on one occasion he was absent -from his house and office two whole days and a night. His family became -alarmed, and a faithful old negro was sent in search of his master. It was -no uncommon occurrence to see a black man traversing the streets, ringing -a bell, and crying a "lost child;" but to see a slave searching for his -lost master, was almost a phenomenon. - -[Illustration: "LOST MARSER! LOST MARSER!"] - -It was quite dark, and the old negro was shuffling along King Street, -crying, "Masser Rob'son lost, Masser Rob'son lost," when suddenly he was -brought to a halt, and silenced by some one saying,-- - -"What's that you are crying, Neb?" His name was Nebuchadnezzar. - -"O, de Lord! if Masser Dr. Rob'son hain't been an' loss hisself!" - -"You old fool, Neb, I am your master--Dr. Robertson. Don't you know me -now?" exclaimed a familiar voice. - -Sure enough, it was the doctor, returning from his numerous visits, tired -and dust-covered. - -The whole thing solemnly impressed the old darky, who, a day or two later, -was met by a ranting Methodist, vulgarly termed a "_carpet-bagger_," who, -in a solemn voice, said,-- - -"My colored friend, have you yet found the Lord Jesus?" - -"O, golly, masser!" exclaimed the old negro in astonishment; "hab de Lord -done gone an' loss hisself?" - -(I have seen the last part of this anecdote floating about the newspapers; -but did ever any one see the former connection, or even the latter before -1852?) - -The writer was but a poor medical student, and an invalid, seeking here a -more salubrious climate, away from the frosts and snows of his northern -home, and though twenty years have since flown, I have not forgotten, and -never shall, the kindness and attention received at the hands of the -benevolent Dr. Robertson. While many who went out with me that fall fell -victims to the fearful endemic before Jack Frost put a stop to its -ravages, I escaped the grim monster Death; and to the superior knowledge -and efficient treatment of Dr. R., with the excellent care of the -benevolent landlady, Mrs. Butterfield, I owe my life. - -Morning and evening the doctor's patter-patter was heard on the -stairs,--three flights to climb. The whole case was gone over, and then, -if the good old doctor had a moment to spare, he would retail some little -anecdote "with which to leave me in good spirits." - -The following is one:-- - -"Mr. Bacon, of Edgefield, was once courting a lady who had frequently -refused him; but he, with commendable perseverance, had as often renewed -the suit, until at last she became so exceedingly annoyed at his -importunities that she told him that she could never marry a man whose -tastes, opinions, likes and dislikes were so completely in opposition to -her own as were his. - -"'In fact, Mr. Bacon,' she is represented as having said, 'I do not think -there is one subject on earth upon which we could agree.' - -"'I assure you, dear madam, that you are mistaken, which I can prove.' - -"'If you will mention one, I will agree to marry you,' replied the lady. - -"'Well, I will do it,' replied Mr. Bacon. 'Suppose now you and I were -travelling together; we arrive at a hotel which is crowded; there are only -two rooms not entirely occupied, in one of which there is a man, in the -other a woman: with which would you prefer to sleep?' - -"The lady arose indignantly, and replied, 'With the woman, of course, -sir.' - -"'So would I,' replied Mr. Bacon, triumphantly." - -(My room had two beds in it, which suggested the above story.) - - -DR. K.'S MARE. - -The outline of the following ludicrous "situation" was given me by a -gentleman of Framingham:-- - -Old Dr. K., of F., was represented as a rough and off-handed specimen of -the genus _homo_, who liked a horse even better than a woman,--not that he -was by any means unmindful of the charms and claims of the -beautiful,--better than he loved money, though the latter passion -bordered on avariciousness. - -An over-nice and sensitive spinster once was visiting the family of Mr. -T., in town, which employed a younger and more refined physician than Dr. -K.; and the spinster, being somewhat indisposed, requested Mr. T. to call -a physician. His own family doctor was suggested; but on close inquiry, -she concluded to have "the oldest and most experienced physician that the -town afforded," and old Dr. K. was called. - -Mr. T. had just purchased a beautiful mare, which the doctor was desirous -of possessing; and the animal was the subject of conversation as the two -entered the house, even to the parlor, where the spinster reclined upon a -sofa. The old doctor examined the lady for a moment in silence, but his -mind was all absorbed in the reputed qualities of the mare, as he timed -the lady's pulse. - -"Slightly nervous," he said to the spinster. "Tongue? Ah! coated. Throat -sore?" and turning towards T., he resumed the horse discussion, still -holding the lady's wrist. "Good wind, Mr. T.? No spavins? Nothing the -matter? Suppose you trot her out this afternoon." - -The spinster, supposing the conversation alluded to her, went into the -most extreme kind of hysterics. - - -"A SCARED CUSTOMER." - -We give this incident for what it is worth. - -A man recently entered a restaurant in Utica, N. Y., and ordered a very -elaborate dinner. He lingered long at the table, and finally wound up with -a bottle of wine. Then lighting a cigar, he sauntered up to the bar, and -remarked to the proprietor,-- - -"Very fine dinner, landlord. Just charge it, for I haven't a cent." - -"But I don't know you," replied the proprietor, indignantly. - -"No, of course you don't, or you never would have let me have the dinner." - -"Pay me for the dinner, I say," shouted the landlord. - -"And I say I can't," vociferated the customer. - -"Then I'll see about it," exclaimed the proprietor, who snatched something -from a drawer, leaped over the counter, and grasping the man by the -collar, pointed something at his throat. "I'll see if you get away with -that dinner without paying for it, you scoundrel." - -"What is that you hold in your hand?" demanded the now affrighted -customer, trying to get a sight at the article. - -"That, sir, is a revolver; loaded, sir." - -[Illustration: NOT A STOMACH-PUMP.] - -"O, d---- that; I don't care a continental for a revolver; I've got one -myself. _I was afraid it was a stomach-pump!_" - - -"WHAT'S TRUMPS?" - -Mrs. Bray, in her book of _Anecdotes_, relates a story illustrative of the -power of the ruling passion. - -"A Devonshire physician, boasting the not untradesman-like name of Vial, -was a desperate lover of the game of whist. One evening, during his -opponent's deal, he fell to the floor in a fit. Consternation seized on -the company, who knew not if the doctor was dead or alive. Finally he -showed signs of returning life, and retaining the last cherished idea that -had possessed him on falling into the fit, he resumed his chair, -exclaiming, '_What's trumps, boys?_'" - - * * * * * - -The writer was present at a similar occurrence. There were a half score of -boys seated upon some logs near the country school-house, during recess, -listening to a story, something about "an old woman who had just reached a -well, with a pitcher to obtain some water, when the old lady tripped her -toe, and fell into the well head foremost." - -At this juncture one of the listeners fell forward from the log in a fit. -We were greatly frightened, but mustered sufficient courage to throw some -water in the boy's face, when he gradually came to his senses, -exclaiming,-- - -"_Did she break the pitcher, Johnny?_" - - * * * * * - -To Mrs. Bray's book we are again indebted for the following:-- - -"A _bon-vivant_, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate use of wine, -was one day informed by his physician that he could not, in all human -probability, survive many hours, and that he would die before eight -o'clock the following morning, summoned all his remaining strength to call -the doctor back, and, when the physician had returned, made an ineffectual -attempt to rise in bed, saying, with the true recklessness of an innate -gambler,-- - -"'Doctor, I'll bet you some bottles that I live till _nine_!'" - - -"LET GO THE HALLIARDS." - -A sailor was taken with the pleurisy on board a vessel that was hauling -through the "seven bridges" that span the Charles River from the Navy Yard -to Cambridgeport, and a well-known physician, rather of the Falstaffian -make-up, whom I may as well call Dr. Jones,--because that is _not_ his -name,--was summoned. He prescribed for the patient, and when the schooner -touched the pier of the bridge, he stepped ashore, as was supposed by the -captain and crew, whose whole attention was required to keep the vessel -from driving against the drawer; but "there's many a slip 'twixt cup and -lip," and the old doctor had taken the "slip," and went plump overboard, -unseen by any. - -In his descent he grasped at a rope, which happened to be the jib -halliards, and as he came up, puffing and blowing the salt water from his -mouth and nose, he began to haul "hand-over-hand" at the halliards. His -corpulency overbalanced the jib, and gradually the sail began to ascend, -to the astonishment of the cook, who stood near by, and to the wrath of -the captain on the quarter-deck. - -"Let go the jib halliards, there, you confounded _slush_," roared the -captain. - -"I ain't h'isting the jib," replied the terrified cook, believing that the -sail was bewitched, for sailors are quite superstitious, you know. - -"Let go the halliards," shouted the mate. "We shall be across the draw, -and all go to Davy Jones' locker. Hear, d---- you, Slush-bucket?" - -Still the old doctor pulled for dear life, and still rose the ghost-like -sail, while the affrighted cook and all hands ran aft, looking as pale as -death. Still the sail went up, up, and the captain and mate began to be -astonished, when by this time--less time than it requires to tell it--the -old doctor had reached the rail of the vessel, and shouted lustily for -help. - -All ran forward to help the corpulent old doctor on deck, and by means of -a man at each arm, and a boat-hook fast into the doctor's unmentionables, -he was hauled safely on board, a wetter and a wiser man. - -If you want to get kicked out of his office, just say in his hearing, -"_Let go them 'ere halliards_," and it is done. - - "O, mermaids, is it cold and wet - Adown beneath the sea? - It seems to me that rather chill - Must Davy's locker be." - - -MEDICAL TITBITS. - -_More Mustard than Meat._--A poor, emaciated Irishman having called in a -physician as a forlorn hope, the latter spread a large mustard plaster and -applied it to the poor fellow's lean chest. - -"Ah, docthor," said Pat, looking down upon the huge plaster with tearful -eyes, "it sames to me it's a dale of mustard for so little mate." - - * * * * * - -"_Don't want to be an Angel._"--"I want to be an angel," which has been so -long shouted by _millions_ of darling little Sunday school children, who -hadn't the remotest idea for what they had been wishing (?), and whose -parents would not voluntarily consent to the premature transformation, if -the children did, has received a check in the following:-- - -A little sprite, who had been so very sick that her life was despaired of, -was told one morning by the doctor that she would now get well. - -"O, I'm so glad, doctor!" she replied; "for I don't want to die and go to -heaben, and be an angel, and wear fedders, like a hen." - - -TOOTH DRAWING. - -A snobbish-appearing individual accosted a countryman in homespun with the -following interrogation:-- - -"I say, ah, my fraand, are you sufficiently conversant with the topography -of _this_ neighborhood to direct me to the nearest disciple of AEsculapius, -eh?" - -"What?" exclaimed the astonished rustic. - -"Can you familiarize me with the most direct course to a physician?" - -"Hey?" - -"Can you tell me where a doctor lives?" - -"O, a doctor's house. Why didn't you say so before?" - - * * * * * - -The next is after the same sort. - -A sailor chap entered a dentist's office to have a tooth extracted. - -[Illustration: "LOWER TIER, LARBOARD SIDE."] - -_Doctor (with great professional dignity, speaking very slowly)._ "Well, -mariner, what tooth do you require extracted? Is it an incisor, bicuspid, -or a molar?" - -_Jack (brusque and loud)._ "It's here in the lower tier, larboard side. -Bear a hand, lively, you dumb'd swab, for it's nippin' my jaw like a -lobster." - - * * * * * - -_The most astonished boy_ I ever beheld was a little country lad who came -to have a tooth drawn. "He thought it must be fun," his mother said; "but -he never had one drawn, and knows nothing of it." - -"O!" with a great, round mouth, was all he had time to say, but the -expression of astonishment depicted on that striking countenance, glaring -eyes, and by the expressive, spasmodic "O!" I never can forget or -describe; and he caught his hat and ran home, a distance of two miles, -without stopping, while his mother followed in the carriage by which they -came. The boy's idea was summed up as follows:-- - -"The doctor hitched tight onto the tooth with his pinchers, then he pulled -his first best, and just before it killed me, the tooth came out, and so I -run home." - - * * * * * - -"_Taking it out in trade_" is all very well when the arrangement is -mutual; but there are occasions when the advantages are imperceptible, at -least to one party, as thus:-- - -"What's the matter, Jerry?" asked old Mr. ----, as Jeremiah was jogging -by, growling most furiously. - -"Matter 'nough," replied old Jerry. "There I've been luggin' water all the -morning for the doctor's wife to wash with, and what do you s'pose she -give me for it?" - -"About ninepence." - -"Ninepence? No! She told me the doctor would pull a tooth for me some -time, when he got leisure." - - * * * * * - -Apothecaries sometimes "come down" from the dignity of the professional -man, and crack a joke. For instance,-- - -A humorous druggist on Washington Street recently exposed some cakes of -soap in his window with the pertinent inscription, "Cheaper than dirt." - -In the country, you know, they keep almost everything in the apothecaries' -shops. We mentioned the fact in our chapter on Apothecaries. A wag once -entered one of these apotheco-groco-dry-goods-meat-and-fish-market-stores, -and asked the keeper,-- - -"Do you keep matches, sir?" - -"O, yes, all kinds," was the reply. - -"Well, I'll take a trotting match," said the wag. - -The equally humorous druggist handed down a box of pills, saying,-- - -"Here, take 'em and trot." - - * * * * * - -_A sure Cure._--Henry Ward Beecher is currently reported as having once -written to Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes as to the knowledge of the latter -respecting a certain difficulty. The reply was characteristic, and -_encouraging_. - -"Gravel," wrote the doctor, "gravel is an effectual cure. It should be -taken about four feet deep." - -The "remedy" was not, however, so remarkable as the following:-- - - * * * * * - -"_Time and Cure._"--A good-looking and gentlemanly-dressed fellow was -arraigned on the charge of stealing a watch, which watch was found on his -person. It was his first offence, and he pleaded, "Guilty." The magistrate -was struck with the calm deportment of the prisoner, and asked him what -had induced him to take the watch. - -"Having been out of health for some time," replied the young man, -sorrowfully, "the doctor advised me to take something, which I accordingly -did." - -The magistrate was rather amused with the humor of the explanation, and -further inquired why he had been led to select so remarkable a remedy as a -watch. - -"Why," replied the prisoner, "I thought if I only had the _time_, Nature -might work the _cure_." - - * * * * * - -_Dye-stuff._--During the cholera time of 1864, in Hartford, Conn., a -little girl was sent to a drug store to purchase some dye-stuff, and -forgetting the name of the article, she said to the clerk, "John, what do -folks dye with?" - -"Die with? Why, the cholera, mostly, nowadays." - -"Well, I guess that's the name of what I want. I'll take three cents' -worth." - - * * * * * - -The Hartford Courant told this story in 1869:-- - -"_Cholera fenced in._--You have noticed the flaming handbills setting -forth the virtues of a cholera remedy, that are posted by the hundreds on -the board fence enclosing the ground on Main Street, where Roberts' opera -house is being erected. Well, there was a timid countryman, the other day, -who had so far recovered from the 'cholera scare' as to venture into the -city with a horse and wagon load of vegetables; and thereby hangs a tale. -He drove moderately along the street, when he suddenly spied the word -'Cholera,' in big letters on the new fence, and he staid to see no more. -Laying the lash on to his quadruped, he went past the handbills like a -streak of lightning, went--'nor stood on the order of his going'--up past -the tunnel, planting the vegetables along the entire route,--for the -tail-board had loosened,--hardly taking breath, or allowing his beast to -breathe, till he reached home at W. - -"Safely there, he rushed wildly into the midst of his household, -exclaiming,-- - -"'O, wife, wife, they _have_ got the cholera in Hartford, _and have fenced -it in_.'" - - * * * * * - -_A Joke that's not a Joke._--A funny limb of the law had an office, a few -years since, on ---- Street, next door to a doctor's shop. One day, an -elderly gentleman, of the fogy school, blundered into the lawyer's office, -and asked,-- - -"Is the doctor in?" - -[Illustration: THE FARMER'S ESCAPE FROM THE CHOLERA.] - -"Don't live here," replied the lawyer, scribbling over some legal -documents. - -"O, I thought this was the doctor's office." - -"Next door, sir;" short, and still writing. - -"I beg pardon, but can you tell me if the doctor has many patients?" - -"_Not living_," was the brief reply. - -The old gentleman repeated the story in the vicinity, and the doctor -threatened the lawyer with a libel. The latter apologized, saying, "it was -only a joke, and that no man could sustain a libel against a lawyer," when -the doctor acknowledged the joke, and satisfaction, saying he would send -up a bottle of wine, in token of reconciliation. - -The wine came, and the lawyer invited in a few friends to laugh over the -joke, and _smile_ over the doctor's wine. The seal was broken, the dust -and cobwebs being removed, and the doctor's health drunk right cordially. -The excellence of the doctor's wine was but half discussed, when the -lawyer begged to be excused a moment, caught his hat, and rushed from the -room. Soon one of the guests repeated the request, and followed; then -another, and another, till they had all gone out. - -The wine had been nicely "doctored" with _tartar emetic_, the seal -replaced and well dusted over, before being sent to the lawyer. The doctor -was now threatened with prosecution; but after some consideration, the -following brief correspondence passed between the belligerents:-- - -"Nolle prosequi." Lawyer to doctor. - -"Quits." Doctor to lawyer. - - * * * * * - -_Parboiling an Old Lady._--In Rockland, Me., then called East Thomaston, -several years ago, there resided an old Thomsonian doctor, who had erected -in one room of his dwelling a new steam bath. An old lady from the -"Meadows," concluding to try the virtues of the medicated steam, went -down, was duly arrayed in a loose robe by the doctor's wife, and with much -trepidation and many warnings not to keep her too long, she entered the -bath--a sort of closet, with a door buttoned outside. The steam was kept -up by a large boiler, fixed in the fireplace which the doctor was to -regulate. The old lady took a book into the bath, "to occupy her mind, and -keep her from getting too nervous." - -"Now it's going all right," said the doctor, when ding, ding, ding! went -the front door bell. The doctor stepped noiselessly out, and learned that -a woman required his immediate attention at South Thomaston, three miles -away. He forgot all about the old lady fastened into the bath, and leaping -into the carriage in waiting, he was whisked off to South Thomaston. - -Meantime the steam increased, and the old lady began to get anxious. The -moisture gathered on her book; the leaves began to wilt. The dampness -increased, and soon the book fell to pieces in her lap. Great drops of -sweat and steam rolled down over her face and body, and she arose, and -tapping very gently at the door, said,-- - -"Hadn't I better come out now, doctor?" - -[Illustration: TOO MUCH VAPOR.] - -No reply. She waited a moment longer, and repeated the knock louder. - -"Let me come out, doctor. I am just melting in here." - -Still the doctor, to her astonishment, did not reply, or open the door. - -"For God's sake, doctor, let me out." Listening a few seconds, she -screamed, "O, I believe he's gone, and left me here to parboil! Open, -open!" And she knocked louder and louder at the door, while the now almost -scalding waters literally poured from her body. "O, I shall suffocate -here." And giving a desperate kick, she set her foot through the panelled -door, and, getting down on all fours, she crawled through the opening. -Just then the doctor's wife, hearing the thumping, hastened to the room, -and with many apologies and excuses, rubbed down and dried the old lady, -and begged her not to mention the affair. - -But never, to the day of her death, did the old lady again enter a "steam -bath," or cease to tell how "_the doctor went off to attend a 'birth' -leaving her in the bath to parboil_!" - - * * * * * - -_A Dry Shower Bath._--When shower baths were all the rage, a few years -ago, all sorts of plans were suggested to avoid getting wet. The following -is to the point:-- - -_Doctor._ Well, deacon, how did your wife manage her new shower bath? - -[Illustration: A DRY SHOWER BATH.] - -_Deacon._ O, she had real good luck. Madam Mooney told how she managed -with hern. She had made a large oiled silk hood, with a large cape to it, -like a fisherman's in a storm, that came all down over her shoulders. - -_Doctor_ (impatiently). She's a fool for her pains. That's not the way. - -_Deacon._ So my wife thought. - -_Doctor._ And your wife did nothing of the kind, I hope. - -_Deacon._ O, no, no. My wife, she used an umbrilly. - -[Illustration] - - - - -IX. - -FORTUNE-TELLERS. - - _1st Witch._ By the pricking of my thumbs, - Something wicked this way comes. - - _Macbeth._ How now, you secret, black and midnight hags, - What is't ye do? - - _All._ A deed without a name.--MACBETH, Act IV. Sc. 1. - - PAST AND PRESENT.--BIBLE ASTROLOGERS AND - FORTUNE-TELLERS.--ARABIAN.--EASTERN.--ENGLISH.--QUEEN'S - FAVORITE.--LILLY.--A LUCKY GUESS.--THE GREAT LONDON FIRE - FORETOLD.--HOW.--OUR "TIDAL WAVE" AND AGASSIZ.--A HAUL OF - FORTUNE-TELLERS.--PRESENT.--VISIT EN MASSE.--"FILLIKY - MILLIKY."--"CHARGE BAYONETS!"--A FOWL PROCEEDING.--FINDING LOST - PROPERTY.--THE MAGIC MIRROR EXPOSE.--"ONE MORE - UNFORTUNATE."--PROCURESSES.--BOSTON MUSEUM.--"A NICE OLD - GENTLEMAN."--MONEY DOES IT.--GREAT SUMS OF MONEY.--"LOVE POWDER" - EXPOSE.--HASHEESH.--"DOES HE LOVE ME?" - - -Under the guise of fortune-telling and clairvoyance the most nefarious -atrocities are daily enacted, not only in the larger cities, but in the -villages and towns even, throughout the country. In this chapter I propose -to ventilate them in a manner never before attempted, and the _expose_ may -be relied upon as correct in every particular. - -"Why," exclaimed a friend, "I thought fortune-telling one of the follies -of the past, and that there was little or none of it practised at the -present." - -Far from it. Very few, comparatively, who practise the black art come out -under the ancient name of fortune-tellers; but there are thousands of -ignorant, characterless wretches, in our enlightened day and generation, -who pretend to tell fortunes, if not under the open title above, as -astrologers, seers, clairvoyants, or spiritualists, etc. There are some -clairvoyants of whom we shall treat under the head of "Mind and Matter." - -The Bible fortune-tellers practised their lesser deceptions under the -various titles of "wise men," "soothsayers," the former being acknowledged -as the more legitimate by the Jews, and the latter mere heathenish -prognosticators, without divine authority, as thus: Is. ii. 6. "Therefore -thou hast forsaken thy people, the house of Jacob, because they be -replenished from the east, and are _soothsayers, like the Philistines_." - -8. "Their land also is full of idols; they worship the work of their own -hands, that which their own fingers have made." - -There were also wizards, astrologers, "star-gazers" (Is. xlvii. 13), -spiritualists (1 Sam. xxviii. 3), magicians, sorcerers, and "the -well-favored harlot, the mistress of witchcrafts, that _selleth nations -through her whoredoms, and families through her witchcrafts_." Nahum iii. -4. - -All of these exist at the present day, carrying on the same sort of vile -deceptions and heinous crimes, to the "selling of families and nations," -and souls, in spite of law or gospel. Even as those of nearly six thousand -years ago were patronized by the great, the kings, and queens, and nobles -of the earth, so are the fortune-tellers, under the more refined titles, -visited by governors, representatives, and ladies and gentlemen of rank, -of modern times. - -In visiting these pretenders, in order "to worm out the secrets of their -trade," the writer has not only been assured by them in confidence that -the above is true, but he has met distinguished characters there, face to -face,--the minister of the gospel, the lawyer, the judge, the doctor, and -what _ought_ to have been the representative intelligence of the -land,--consulting and fellowshiping with ignorant fortune-tellers. -"Ignorant?" Yes, out of the scores whom I have seen, there has not been -one, male or female, possessing an intelligence above ordinary people in -the unprofessional walks of life, while the majority of them were in -comparison far below the mediocrity. - -If ignorance alone patronized ignorance, like a family intermarrying, the -stock would eventually dwindle into nothingness, and entirely die out. - -Before the "captivity" the Jews had their wise men, and on their exodus -they reported the existence of the magicians or magi of Egypt. - -It seems that nearly everybody, and particularly the Egyptians, regarded -Moses and Aaron as but magicians in those days; and the magi of Pharaoh's -household--for all kings and rulers of ancient times and countries had -their fortune-tellers about them--had a little "tilt" with Moses and -Aaron, commencing with the changing of the rods into snakes. The Egyptian -magicians did very well at the snake "trick," as the modern magician calls -it, also at producing frogs, and such like reptiles; but they were puzzled -in the vermin business, and the boils troubled them, and they then gave -up, and acknowledged that there _was_ a power beyond theirs, and that -power was with God. - -Well, that is not fortune-telling; but this was the class who professed -the power of foretelling; and we find them, with women of the familiar -spirits, made mention of all through the scriptural writing. Isaiah -testifies (chapter xix.) that the charmers, familiar spirits, and wizards -ruined Egypt as a nation. What advantage were they ever to King Saul, the -grass-eating king with the long name, or any other individuals, in their -perplexities? - -They rather stood in the light of individuals, nations, and the cause of -Heaven. Then Jesus and the apostles had them to meet and overcome--for -their power had become very great, even to the publication of books to -promulgate their doctrines; for we read in Acts xix. 19, that there were -brought forth at Ephesus, at one time, these books, to the amount of -fifty thousand pieces of silver, or about twenty-six thousand five hundred -dollars' worth, and burned in the public square or synagogue. - -There are some instances recorded in the Bible, and by Josephus, where the -Jews professed to foretell events. The curious case of Barjesus, at -Paphos, who, for a time, hindered Sergius, the deputy of the country, from -embracing Christianity, is cited in illustration of the injury that false -prophets are to all advancement. Paul testifies to that fact in the -following words: "O, full of all subtlety, and all mischief, child of the -devil, enemy to all righteousness," etc. - - -ARABIAN FORTUNE-TELLER. - -The Arabians, from time immemorial, have been implicit believers in -fortune-telling, as well as believers in the efficacy of charms and all -other mystic arts. "No species of knowledge is more highly venerated by -them than that of the occult sciences, which affords maintenance to a vast -number of quacks and impudent pretenders." The science of "Isen Allah" -enables the possessor to discern what is passing in his absence, to expel -evil spirits, and cure malignant diseases. Others claim to control the -winds and the weather, calm tempests, and to say their prayers in person -at Mecca, without stirring from their own abodes hundreds of miles away! - -The "Sinia" is what is better known to us as jugglery and feats of -illusion. - -The "Ramle" is the more proper fortune-telling, and is believed in and -practised by people of all ranks, male and female, and by the physicians. - - -THE EASTERN PRINCE. - -Fortune-telling is practised in all Eastern countries, to a great extent, -to the present day. Some pretend to foretell events by the stars and -planets, some by charms, cards, the palm of the hand, or a lock of hair; -the latter is the most vulgar mode, and commonly followed by the gypsies. - -When the fortress of Ismail was besieged, in 1790, by the Russians, Prince -Potemkin, the commanding officer, began to grow impatient, after nearly -two months' resistance, though he was surrounded by all the comforts and -luxuries of an Eastern prince--by courtiers and beautiful women, who -employed the most exciting and voluptuous means to engage his attention. -Madame De Witt, one of the females, pretended to read the decrees of fate -by cards, and foretold that the prince would only take the place at the -expiration of three more weeks. - -"Ah," exclaimed the prince, with a smile, "I have a method of divination -far more infallible, as you shall see;" and he immediately despatched -orders to Suwarof _to take Ismail within three days_. The brave but -barbarous hero obeyed the order to the very letter. - - -THE SEER'S WIFE. - -When Richmond, afterwards Henry VII., landed at Milford-Haven, on his -memorable march to his successful encounter with Richard III., then at -Bosworth Field, he consulted a celebrated Welsh seer, who dwelt in -magnificent style at a place called Matha Farm. To the duke's question as -to whether he should succeed or not, the wily seer, whose name was Davyd -Lloyd, requested a little time in which to consider so important a query. - -As Richmond lodged that night with his friend Davyd, he gave him till the -following morning to make up his decision, when the seer assured Richmond -that he "would succeed gloriously." - -For this wonderful and timely information Lloyd received immense rewards -at the hand of his grateful prince when he became King Henry VII. - -Now for the secret of his success: During the time granted for the answer, -Davyd, in great perplexity and trepidation, consulted his wife, instead of -the heavens, for an answer. See the wisdom of the reply. - -"There can be no difficulty about an answer. Tell him he will certainly -succeed. Then, if he does, you will receive honors and rewards; and if he -fails, depend on't he will never come here to punish you." - - -DEE, THE ASTROLOGER. - -One of the most remarkable and successful fortune-tellers known to English -history was John Dee, who was born in London, 1527, and died in 1608. A -biographer says, "He was an English divine and astrologer of great -learning, celebrated in the history and science of necromancy, chancellor -of St. Paul's, and warden of Manchester College, in the reign of Queen -Elizabeth. He was also author of several published works on the subject of -astrology, revelations of spirits, etc., which books are preserved in the -Cottonian library and elsewhere." - -Dee enjoyed for a long time the confidence and patronage of Elizabeth. He -then resided in an elegant house at Mortlake, which was still standing in -1830, and was used for a female boarding school. "In two hundred years it -necessarily had undergone some repairs and alterations; yet portions of it -still exhibited the architecture of the sixteenth century. - -"From the front windows might be seen the doctor's garden, still attached -to the house, down the central path of which the queen used to walk from -her carriage from the Shan road to consult the wily conjurer on affairs of -love and war. - -"He was one of the few men of science who made use of his knowledge to -induce the vulgar to believe him a conjurer, and one possessing the power -to converse with spirits. Lilly's memoirs recorded many of his impostures, -and at one time the public mind was much agitated by his extravagances. -The mob more than once destroyed his house (before residing at Mortlake) -for being too familiar with their devil. He pretended to see spirits in a -stone, which is still preserved with his books and papers.... In his -spiritual visions Dee had a confederate in one Kelley, who, of course, -confirmed all his master's oracles. Both, however, in spite of their -spiritual friends, died miserably--Kelley by leaping from a window and -breaking his neck, and Dee in great poverty and wretchedness. The remains -of the impostor lie in Mortlake Church, without any memorial." - -He unfortunately had survived his royal patroness. - -Queen Mary had had Dee imprisoned for practising by enchantment against -her life; but her successor released him, and required him to name a lucky -day for her coronation. - -"In view of this fact," asks the author of 'A Morning's Walk from London -to Kew,' "is it to be wondered at that a mere man, like tens of thousands -of other fanatics, persuaded himself that he was possessed of supernatural -powers?" - - -ANOTHER IMPOSTOR.--THE GREAT FIRE. - -William Lilly followed in the wake of, and was even a more successful -impostor than the Reverend Dee. He was first known in London as a -book-keeper, whose master, dying, gave him the opportunity of marrying his -widow and her snug little fortune of one thousand pounds. The wife died in -a few years, and Lilly set up as an astrologer and fortune-teller. - -His first great attempt at a public demonstration of his art was about -1630, which was to discover certain treasures which he claimed were buried -in the cloister of Westminster Abbey. Lilly had studied astronomy with a -Welsh clergyman, and doubtless may have been sufficiently "weather-wise" -to anticipate a storm; but however that might have been, on the night of -the attempt, there came up a most terrific storm of wind, rain, thunder -and lightning, which threatened to bury the actors beneath the ruins of -the abbey, and his companions fled, leaving Lilly master of the situation. -He unblushingly declared that he himself allayed the "storm spirit," and -"attributed the failure to the lack of faith and want of better knowledge -in his companions." - -"In 1634 Lilly ventured a second marriage, with another woman of property, -which was unfortunate as a commercial speculation, for the bride proved -extravagant beyond her dowry and Lilly's income. In 1644 he published his -first almanac, which he continued thirty-six years. In 1648 he therein -predicted the "great fire" of London, which immortalized his name. While -Lilly was known as a cheat, and was ridiculed for his absurdities, he -received the credit for as lucky a guess as ever blessed the fortunes of a -cunning rogue. - -"In the year 1656," said his prediction, "the aphelium of Mars, the -signification of England, will be in Virgo, which is assuredly the -ascendant of the English monarchy, but Aries of the kingdom. When this -absis, therefore, of Mars shall appear in Virgo, who shall expect less -than a strange _catastrophe_ of human affairs in the commonwealth, -monarchy, and kingdom of England?" - -He then further stated that it would be "_ominous to London, unto her -merchants at sea, to her traffique_ at land, to her poor, to her rich, to -all _sorts of people inhabiting her or her liberties, by reason of fire -and plague_!" These he predicted would occur within ten years of that -time. - -The great plague did occur in London in 1665, and the great fire in 1666! -The fire originated by incendiarism in a bakery on Pudding Lane, near the -Tower, in a section of the city where the buildings were all constructed -of wood with pitched roofs, and also a section near the storehouses for -shipping materials, and those of a highly combustible nature. It occurred -also at a time when the water-pipes were empty. - -This fearful visitation destroyed nearly two thirds of the metropolis. -Four hundred and thirty-three acres were burned over. Thirteen thousand -houses, eighty-nine churches, and scores of public buildings were laid in -ashes and ruins. There was no estimating the amount of property destroyed, -nor the many souls who perished in the relentless, devouring flames. - -If this great fire originated at the instigation of Lilly, in order to -demonstrate his claims as a foreteller of events, as is believed to be the -case by nearly all who were not themselves believers in the occult -science, what punishment could be meted out to such a villain commensurate -to his heinous crime? Curran says, "There are two kinds of prophets, those -who are inspired, and those who prophesy events which they themselves -intend to bring about. Upon this occasion, Lilly had the ill luck to be -deemed of the latter class." Elihu Rich says in his biography of Lilly, -"It is certain that he was a man of no character. He was a double-dealer -and a liar, by his own showing, ... and perhaps as decent a man as a -_trading_ prophet could well be, under the circumstances." Lilly was cited -before a committee of the House of Commons, not, as was supposed by many, -"that he might discover by the same planetary signs _who_ were the authors -of the great fire," but because of the suspicion that he was already -acquainted with them, and privy to the supposed machinations which brought -about the catastrophe. At one time, 1648-9, Parliament gave him one -hundred pounds a year, and he was courted by royalty and nobility, at home -and abroad, from whom he received an immense revenue. He died a natural -death, in 1681, "leaving some works of interest in the history of -astrology," which, in connection with the important personages with whom -he was associated, and the remarkable events above recorded, have -immortalized his name. - -Respecting the prediction of the plague, I presume that if any prominent -personage should, at any time, predict a great calamity to a great -metropolis, to take place "_within ten years, more or less_," there -necessarily would be something during that time, of a calamitous nature, -that might seem to verify their prediction. Besides, we should take into -consideration how many predictions are never verified. Dr. Lamb, Dee, -Bell, and others prophesied earthquakes to shake up London at various -times in 1203, 1598, 1760, etc., which never occurred, to any great -extent. - -Supposing a great tidal wave should devastate our coast, within ten years -even, would not Professor Agassiz be immortalized thereby, although he -never predicted it, except in the imaginative and mulish brains of certain -individuals, who will have it that he did so predict? - - -A RAID ON FORTUNE-TELLERS. - -In London, at the present day, it is estimated that nearly two thousand -persons, male and female, gain a livelihood under the guise of -fortune-telling. Some of them are "seers," or "astrologers," "seventh -sons," clairvoyants, etc. - -From the London Telegraph of the year 1871 we gather the following -description of a few of the most prominent of these, with their arrest and -trial, as fortune-telling is there, as elsewhere, proscribed by law:-- - -"First was arraigned 'Professor Zendavesta,' otherwise John Dean Bryant, -aged fifty, and described as a 'botanist.' He was charged with having told -a woman's fortune, for the not very extravagant sum of thirteen cents. Two -married women, it seems, instructed by the police, went to No. 3 Homer -Street, Marylebone, and paid sixpence each to a woman, who gave them a -bone ticket in return. One might have imagined that it was a -spiritualist's _seance_, but for the fact that the fee for admittance was -sixpence, and not one guinea. Professor Zendavesta shook hands with one of -the women, and warmly inquired after her health. She told him she was in -trouble about her husband, which was false, and he bade her be of good -cheer, and made an appointment to meet her on another day. Subsequently, -two constables went to Bryant's house, and on going into a room on the -ground floor, found thirty or forty young women seated there. The ladies -began to scream, and there was a rush for the door; while the police, who -seemed to labor under the impression that to attend an astrological -lecture was as illegal an act as that of being present at a cock-fight or -a common gambling-house, stopped several of the women, and made them give -their names and addresses. The walls of the apartment were covered with -pictures of Life and Death, with the 'nativities of several royal and -illustrious personages, and of Constance Kent.' It is a wonder that the -horoscopes of Heliogabalus and Jack the Painter should have been lacking. -Then there was a medicine chest containing bottles and memoranda of -nativities; also a 'magic mirror, with a revolving cylinder,' showing the -figures of men and women, old and young. Of course the collection included -a 'book of fate.' This was the case against Bryant. - -"One Shepherd, alias 'Professor Cicero,' was next charged, and it was -shown that the same 'instructed' women went to his house, paying sixpence -for the usual bone ticket. They saw Shepherd separately. When one of them -said that she wanted her fortune told, 'Professor Cicero' took a yard tape -and measured her hand. He gabbled the usual nonsense to her about love, -marriage, and good luck, hinting that the price of a complete nativity -would be half a crown, and before they left the place he gave them a -circular, with their phrenological organs marked. Indeed, the man's -defence was, that he was a professor of phrenology, and not of the black -art. A 'magic mirror' and a 'lawyer's gown' were, however, found at his -house, and the last named item has certainly a very black look. The -evidence against the next defendant, William Henry, alias 'Professor -Thalaby,' and against the fourth and last, Frederick Shipton, alias -'Professor Baretta,' did not differ to any great extent from the testimony -given against Zendavesta. The solicitor retained for this sage contended -that if he had infringed the law, it was likewise violated at the Crystal -Palace, where the 'magic mirror' was to be seen every day. Mr. Mansfield, -however, had only to deal with the case and the culprits before him, and, -convicting all the four fortune-tellers, he sent them to the house of -correction, there to be kept, each and every one of them, to hard labor -for three months." - - -THE FORTUNE-TELLERS OF TO-DAY. - -Before entering upon the _expose_ of the viler practices of this vile -art,--the "selling of families," and of virginity, and the abominable -practices of the procuresses, who carry on their damnable treacheries, -particularly in our large cities, at the present day,--I wish to enliven -this chapter by one or more amusing instances relative to country -fortune-tellers. - -_Filliky Milliky._--During the summer of 185-, the writer was one of a -large party of excursionists to Weymouth's Point, in Union Bay. There was -a large barge full of people, old and young, male and female, besides -several sailboat loads, who, on the return in the afternoon, decided to -stop at the hut of a fortune-teller called "Filliky Milliky." This old -man, with his equally ignorant wife, professed to tell fortunes by means -of a tea-cup. He claimed that he knew of our intended visit, and had set -his house in order; but if that house was "in order" that day, deliver us -from seeing it when out of order. - -There were some one hundred or more of us, and whilst but two could occupy -the attention of the "Millikies" at once, we sought other means of whiling -away the time. The old man lived near the river side, and at his leisure -had picked up a large pile of lath edgings which had floated down from a -lath mill on the river. - -One Captain Joy took it upon himself to form "all the gentlemen who would -enlist in so noble a cause" into a "home guard," and forthwith arming -themselves with the aforesaid lath edgings, a company of volunteers was -quickly raised, and drawn up in battle array. - -I do not recollect the glorious and patriotic speech by which our noble -captain fired our "sluggish souls with due enthusiasm for the great cause -in which we were about to embark," but we were put through a course of -military tactics, "according to Hardee," and took up our line of march. - -[Illustration: CHARGE, INFANTRY!] - -There was no Bunker Hill on which to display our valor, but there was -another hill, just in rear of the barn nearly, which had not been used in -farming purposes that spring, and for this hill we charged at -"double-quick." In this charge--the danger lay in the _swamping_ part of -the hill--we unambushed a large flock of hens, chickens, and ducks, from -the opposite side. - -"_Charge bayonet!_" shouted our noble captain, with great presence of -mind. - -We charged! The ducks quacked and fled. The hens cackled and ran. The -noise was deafening, the chase enthusiastic, and above the dust and din of -battle arose the stentorian cry, "Charge bayonet!" The Donnybrook Fair -advice of "Wherever there's a head, hit it," was followed to the letter, -until the last enemy lay dead on the gory field, or had hid so far under -the barn that the small boys could not bring them forth. Then orders came -to withdraw, and gather up the dead and wounded. - -[Illustration: AFTER THE BATTLE.] - -There was an interesting string of hens, chickens, and ducks brought in -and laid at the feet of our great commander, to represent the fowl -products of that campaign. The captain's congratulatory speech was -characteristic also of the _fowl proceedings_, at the close of which -harangue he appointed the "orderly a committee of three to wait on the -fortune-teller, and present him with the spoils of war," of which his -"cups" had given him no previous intimation. - -What next? The captain informed us that "as the company was 'mutual,' it -became necessary, in consideration of the losses, to draw on the -_stock-holders_ (_gun-stock_), as he could see no other 'policy' under -which to assess those 'damages.'" - -"Filliky Milliky" never carried fowl to a better market. - -The "fortunate" ones entertained us, on the barge, with the marvellous -revelations that had transpired within the hut. One married lady was -assured that she was yet single, but would marry in a six-month. A -double-and-twisted old maid was told that her husband was in California. -But the most absurd revelation was to a well-known respectable middle-aged -lady, who was inclined to believe in the foreseeing powers of old Mother -Milliky until now, who was told that she was "soon to receive a letter -from her absent husband, also in California for the last five years; that -he had become rich, and was soon to return; but that her youngest child, a -year old, was inclined to worms, and might not live to see its father -return!" All this wonderful information for a ninepence. - - * * * * * - -_Secret of finding lost Property._--In Hopkinton, Mass., there lived a man -named Sheffield, who professed to tell fortunes. The postmaster of that -town told my informant that old Sheffield received from seven to ten -letters per day from the fools who believed in his foreseeing powers. Once -the surveyor, with a large gang of men, was working on the highway, and -while they were at dinner an ox chain was stolen. The overseer, happening -along before the rest of the men, saw some one unhook the chain, and steal -away to a field adjoining, pull up a fence post, and deposit the chain in -the hole, replace the post, and return. He "lay low," and as the thief -passed he discovered him to be old Sheffield, the fortune-teller. He kept -his own counsel, and, the chain being missed, a committee of three was -appointed to visit the seer, to discover by his art where the stolen -property was secreted. - -Mr. ----, the overseer, and others, called on Sheffield, who got out his -mysterious book, and figured away in an impressive manner, and finally -chalked out a rough plan of the ground on the floor, and again consulting -his book, he solemnly declared that he had discovered the property. - -"You follow this line from the spot where the chain was unhooked from the -plough, so many rods to this line fence, go along the fence to the seventh -post, draw it up, and the chain will be found beneath, in the post-hole." - -The two men were struck dumb with astonishment, for they believed in the -mysterious powers of old Sheffield; but the overseer exclaimed, in words -more impressive than elegant,-- - -"Yes, you infernal scoundrel, and you put it there, for I saw you with my -own eyes." - - -THE MAGIC MIRROR EXPOSE. - -Not long ago the body of a once beautiful young woman was taken from the -Merrimack River, below the factories at L----. She was unknown at the -time, and this was all there was given to the public. To the world she was -merely-- - - "One more unfortunate, - Weary of breath, - Rashly importunate, - Gone to her death." - -Now, these are the whole facts of the case. She was the daughter of -respectable, Christian parents, in a New England village, where she was -highly esteemed as an amiable and virtuous young lady. But the tempter -came. Not in the form of a "serpent"--very harmless animals, -comparatively!--nor that other old fellow, commonly descried as having -clattering hoofs and forked tail, etc.--but in the flesh and semblance of -a handsome young man! I think preachers and book-makers paint their devils -too hideous and too far off! Leave off the d, and look for your evils -nearer home, and rather pleasant to look at, on the sly, and not (at -first) very unpleasant to the senses in general. These are the dangerous -(d)evils; escape _them_, and you avoid all! - -In the village there were two young men, rivals for the affections of this -amiable young lady, and I know not but there were a dozen besides. One -held the only advantage over the other of having been a native of the -town, while the other was, comparatively, but little known. - -Both were sober, industrious, and moral young men. - -One day Miss ---- was going to the great city, and, for the "sport of the -thing," agreed to visit a celebrated fortune-teller--a clairvoyant!--at -the instigation of the young man, who, though least known to her, had -recently distanced his rival by his assiduity in pressing his suit before -the young lady. - -He assured her there could be no impropriety in a young lady's visiting a -fortune-teller. It was only for fun; nobody believed in them, and she -could keep her own secret if she chose! - -She went in broad daylight. The lady clairvoyant greeted her cordially, -begged her to feel quite at her ease, as there was great fortune in store -for her. She described her two lovers very minutely, and informed the girl -that the one who was to marry her would come to her in a vision, if she -would but look into a mirror hanging on the wall before her. - -"I see nothing but my own face," replied the young lady, when she had -arisen and looked into the glass. - -The woman then turned it half around on the hinges, swung out the frame -upon which the mirror was also hung, and, disclosing a plain black glass -behind, fastened to the wall, said,-- - -"Now, if you will step behind the glass, back to the wall, and again look -into the mirror, you _may_ possibly see one of the two gentlemen--I cannot -_say_ which." - -More amused than alarmed, the lady complied. - -[Illustration: THE FORTUNE-TELLER'S MAGIC MIRROR.] - -"Still I see nothing but myself and a dark glass behind me," she said. - -"Look steadfastly into the glass. _Now!_" exclaimed the woman. - -"O, what--what do I see?" cried the girl. "'Tis he! 'tis Mr. ----" - -"Don't be alarmed; 'tis your future husband. No power can prevent it. It -is fate--fate! But it will be a happy consummation," said the woman, -closing the mirror. - -"Why, I left him at home, surely; and I came by steam. That is a solid -wall! Ah, my fate is decreed, I believe!" - -Can the reader suppose any sensible person would believe this to be magic? -There are thousands who believe it. Miss ---- was one. She had seen the -spiritual representation of her future husband, and, finding him at home -on her return, the same afternoon, she accepted him as her betrothed, and -the other was dismissed. - -Her ruin followed. In the flight of her lover, her hopes were forever -blasted. To hide her shame, she went secretly from home; and to earn her -daily bread, she labored in a cotton factory. When she could no longer -cover her shame in the world, she went without--into outer darkness! Her -parents went down in sorrow to their untimely graves. - -Now about the magic mirror. The young man went to the city by the same -train with the girl he proposed to ruin. He had previously arranged with -the fortune-teller--no unusual thing--to appear in person behind the -darkened glass in the next room, and had returned in disguise by the same -train with his victim. - -The fortune-teller died miserably, and was buried in the Potter's Field at -the expense of the city of Hartford, Conn. - - "The thorns which I have reaped are of the tree - I planted; they have torn me,--and I bleed: - I should have known what fruit would spring from such a seed." - BYRON. - -Such is one of the results of patronizing fortune-tellers. I have seen -this kind of mirror, and the first effect, even on a strong-minded person, -seeing but faintly through the darkened glass, over your shoulder, the -outlines of a face, and finally, as your eyes get familiar with the -darkness, the very features of a person reflected therein, is truly -impressive, if not startling. - -Young ladies, for your own sakes, for the sake of your friends, and more -for Heaven's sake, keep away from fortune-tellers! _You cannot possibly -see into futurity_, neither can any one, much less the ignorant wretches -who profess the dark mysteries, tell for you what joys or sorrows are in -store for the future! - - -FORTUNE-TELLERS AS PROCURESSES. - -An able reporter to the Boston Daily Post, who devoted a considerable time -in May, 1869, to visiting and writing up the fortune-tellers of Boston, -which he reported in full in the above paper, and from which I shall copy -more fully hereafter, says in conclusion,-- - -"From what we are able to learn in this direction, we have arrived at the -conclusion that there are not _less than two hundred men and women_ in -Boston and vicinity who get a good livelihood by this profession, while -many do a large and profitable business. - -"One lady, who has reduced her charges to the very lowest figure (fifty -cents for an interview), candidly informed us that her receipts for the -past year had not been less than twelve hundred dollars. Another reported -her receipts from ten to fifty dollars a day. - -"Of course no reliable estimate, without better statistics, can be made of -the magnitude of the business; but it seems not extravagant to estimate -their receipts, on an average, at fifteen hundred dollars per annum! or an -annual cost to the people of Boston (and vicinity?) for fortune-telling, -of the snug little sum of three hundred thousand dollars!" - -The price advertised for a sitting in 1870 was from twenty-five cents to -one dollar. The Post reporter says of "Mrs. Nellie Richards" (_alias_ Mrs. -Nelson), "Not unfrequently her receipts are fifty dollars per day." Again -of one, "She has received fifty dollars for one sitting." The writer has -visited the most celebrated fortune-tellers here, and been told by them -that they have received five, ten, and twenty dollars for one sitting. -What for? What was the value received? Not from _females_ do they receive -these liberal sums; but from middle-aged or old gentlemen and "married -men," as one assured me. It is quite possible for a few sharp -fortune-tellers to make fifteen hundred dollars per year at merely telling -fools what they may expect from the future. "Middle-aged, old, and married -men" do not consult them, as a general rule, for that purpose. - -Here is a true history illustrative of my meaning. I gathered the facts -from the lady. - -On Saturday, the 9th of December, 1871, a young woman, residing with her -parents on ---- Street, went to the afternoon performance at the Boston -Museum. A young man made three unsuccessful attempts to "flirt" with her. -The third time she slightly shook her head. Some one, seated immediately -behind her, touched her on the shoulder, and said, "Right, young lady; you -did right not to notice him." - -"I turned my head," said my informant, "and just made the least bit of -acknowledgment to a fine-looking, elderly gentleman, who, perhaps, was -rising fifty. He was an utter stranger to me, and I did not observe him -afterwards. On the following week I received a note--a very pretty, -delicate letter--from the very gentleman. He explained that he saw me at -the performance of "Elfie," and was much struck by my lady-like -appearance, and the rest, begging the privilege of calling on me -privately. Now, how could he have obtained my address?" - -"Did the other party, the young 'flirt,' know it?" I asked. - -"No--not probable. I was not so astonished in receiving a letter from a -stranger, as I was on learning that the nice-looking old gent at the -theatre should have sent it, and that he possessed my address." - -"Why not surprised by receiving the letter from a stranger?" I asked. - -"Because I visited a fortune-teller, a day or two before, who told me I -should receive a letter from a middle-aged man, and that it would be to my -interest to cultivate his friendship, as he was a nice old covey, and was -rich and liberal." - -"The secret is out! Did the fortune-teller know your address?" - -"O, yes; she was an old friend of my mother's, _and asked me nothing for a -sitting_. And would _she_ possibly betray the daughter of her old friend?" - -I have since learned that the young woman was married at the time, which -fact the fortune-teller must have known when she advised her to "cultivate -the friendship" of an old _roue_, "as he was rich and liberal." - -Rich and liberal! No doubt! The light was astounding which broke in upon -the young lady's mind from my intimating that the old viper, the -fortune-teller (clairvoyant she calls herself), had betrayed her, and -doubtless had received ocular demonstration of the "nice old gentleman's" -liberality. Doubtless there was a five, ten, or twenty dollar sitting! and -the "friend of her mother" could well afford to give her sittings free! - -Reader, if you doubt that such villanies are daily practised in this city, -such "betrayals of confidence," and "selling of families," put up "five or -ten dollars for a sitting," almost anywhere, and you can have proof. None -of your fifty cents or dollar affairs--those are for the females; but -"come down" with the V.'s and X.'s; those bring the "great information." - -Let us "parable" a case. - -"A nice, middle-aged gentleman" calls on Madam Blank. - -"Here, now, my good woman, take this fee. Tell me a good future. Let her -have dark hair and eyes. If it is satisfactory, I double the fee." - -"Call again next week, or in three or four days," is all the conversation -necessary to pass for the first "sitting." - -Before the expiration of the time, just such a young lady calls. The wily -old fortune-teller--too old to sell herself any longer--sells out this, -perhaps, unsuspecting lady with black hair and eyes, by mysteriously -informing her of a certain nice gentleman whom she will meet at a -designated place, at a specified hour, on a particular day! She is _very_ -courteous to the girl, asks her nothing for a sitting, has taken a liking -to her, worms from her the secrets of her birth, poverty, weaknesses, -etc., and, with many smiles and fair promises, bows her out. - -She next proceeds to inform the "nice gentleman" that the job is cooked, -and the victim is unsuspecting, states where he is to meet her, the signal -by which he is to know her; takes the "double fee," and leaves the rest to -the "nice middle-aged (and shrewd) gentleman" to manage for himself. - -How many young women in Boston can avouch for the truth of this statement? -I doubt not there are very many. - -_Cui Bono?_ While I know and confess that there are a few ladies who -_profess_ to tell fortunes, find lost property, etc., and who do no -greater deception, still, what positive advantage has ever been derived -therefrom? - - -LOVE POWDERS AND DROPS.--FRENCH SECRET, ETC. - -I have, by purchase and otherwise, obtained the secret of the compounds of -the celebrated "Spanish," _alias_ "Turkish, Love Powders." I had -previously considered them very harmless preparations. They are quite the -reverse. The powder and drops are _Spanish flies_ and _blood-root_! -Sometimes the former are mixed (pulverized) with fine sugar; but the -Spanish flies (cantharides), either in powder or liquid, is a very -dangerous irritant, a very small dose sometimes producing painful and -dangerous strangury. It is far more certain to produce this distressing -complaint than to cause any sexual excitement. There may be some harmless -powders sold as "love powders," but I have never seen any. I have a -quantity of the former. Any physician or chemist may see it, who is -interested. A few drops of it will produce burning and excoriation of the -mouth and stomach, and inflammation of the stomach, liver, and kidneys. -And this dangerous stuff is sold by ignorant fortune-tellers to any -equally ignorant, credulous creature who may send fifty cents therefor. - -_The French Secret_ is only for fools. Reader, _you_ have no occasion for -it. It would be of no positive earthly benefit, provided I could so -construe language as to explain to you what it is, in this connection. Be -assured that you cannot circumvent Nature, except at the expense of -health. _Qui n'a sante n'a rien._ - -Druggists' clerks sometimes sell to boys _tincture cantharis_ for evil -purposes. - -_Hasheesh_ is another dangerous article, sometimes sold at random, and -purchased for no good purpose. A few years since, a great excitement was -produced by the young ladies of P---- Female Seminary obtaining and using -a quantity of _hasheesh_. "One girl took five grains, another _ten_ -grains. The latter was rendered insensible, and with difficulty restored -to consciousness, while the former was rushing around under the peculiar -hallucinating effect of the drug, and in a manner bordering on indecency." -I obtained this statement, with more that I cannot publish, from a -physician who witnessed the scene. - - -"DOES HE LOVE ME?" - -Young girls and children are seduced into visiting fortune-tellers. A -Boston fortune-teller, in 1871, took a summer tour through Eastern -Massachusetts and New Hampshire. At Manchester, one evening, some one -knocked lightly at her reception-room door, when, on her answering the -summons, there stood three little girls, of ten or twelve summers. - -"Well," said the lady, "what do you children want?" - -"We came to have our fortunes told," replied the youngest, drawing her -little form up to represent every half inch of her diminutive dimensions. -With a smile of incredulity, the lady said, "It costs fifty cents. -Besides, you are too small to have a fortune told." - -"We've got the money," replied the little speaker; "and we're not too -little. Why, I am ten, and Jenny, here, is twelve." - -[Illustration: CHILDREN CONSULTING A FORTUNE-TELLER.] - -"Well, come in," replied the fortune-teller. There was a lady present, who -also asked what those children came there for. - -The girls sat up in some chairs proffered. The younger one was so small -that her little feet could not reach the floor, and sitting back in her -chair, her little limbs stuck out straight, as such awkward little folks' -will. - -The woman told them something, to seem to cover the money paid. It was not -satisfactory, however, and the ten-year-old one put the following -questions:-- - -"Do you think, ma'am, that the young man who is keeping company with me -loves me?" - -This was a poser, and the woman laughed outright. - -"What did she reply?" I asked, shocked, though amused, by the -ridiculousness of the whole affair. - -"O, Gad, if I know! I was too busy then to listen." - -The next question was more strange than the first:-- - -"Will the young gentleman marry me, eventually?" - -"Doubtless he will when you become older," was the reply; "and I advise -you to think no more about it till you are much older." - -I obtained this item from the third party present, the husband of the -fortune-teller. - -[Illustration] - - - - -X. - -EMINENT PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS. - - _Lord Say._ Why, Heaven ne'er made the universe a level. - Some trees are loftier than the rest, some mountains - O'erpeak their fellows, and some planets shine - With brighter ray above the skyey route - Than others. Nay, even at our feet, the rose - Outscents the lily; and the humblest flower - Is noble still o'er meaner plants. And thus - Some men are nobler than the mass, and should, - By nature's order, shine above their brethren. - _Lord Clifford._ 'Tis true the noble should; but who is noble? - Heaven, and not heraldry, makes noble men. - - THEIR ORIGIN, BOYHOOD, EARLY STRUGGLES, ETC.--DOCTORS ARE PUBLIC - PROPERTY.--DR. MOTT, OF OYSTER BAY.--DR. PARKER.--A "PLOUGH-BOY."--THE - FARMER'S BOY AND THE OLD DOCTOR.--SCENE IN BELLEVUE HOSPITAL.--"LEAVES - FROM THE LIFE OF AN UNFLEDGED AESCULAPIAN."--FIRST - PATIENT.--"NONPLUSSED!"--ALL RIGHT AT LAST.--PROFESSORS EBERLE AND - DEWEES.--A HARD START.--"FOOTING IT."--ABERNETHY'S BOYHOOD.--"OLD - SQUEERS."--SPARE THE BOY AND SPOIL THE ROD.--A DIGRESSION.--SKIRTING A - BOG.--AN AGREEABLE TURN.--PROFESSOR HOLMES.--A HOMELESS STUDENT. - - -It is amusing, as well as instructive, to compare notes on the various -circumstances which have led different young men to adopt the science of -medicine as their profession. - -The advantages of birth and "noble blood" weigh lightly, when thrown into -the balance, against circumstances of after life, and its necessities, in -ourselves or fellow-creatures. In searching through biographies of famous -people, of all ages and countries (to collect a chapter on "Origin of -Great Men"), I am peculiarly convinced of the correctness of this -conclusion. - -The earlier histories and traits of character--no matter which way they -point--of all great men are interesting to review; and yet it is a -lamentable fact that the accounts of boyhood days, aspirations, hopes, and -struggles, with the many little interesting items and episodes of the -youth of most great men are very meagre, and, in many cases, entirely lost -to the world. - -In the published biographies of physicians this is particularly the case. -You read the biography of one, and it will suffice for the whole. It -begins something like this:-- - -"Dr. A. was born in Blanktown, about the year 18--; entered the office of -Dr. Bolus, where he studied physic; attended college at Spoon Haven, where -he graduated with honors; arrived at eminence in his profession;" and, if -defunct, ends, "he died at Mortgrass, and sleeps with his fathers. -_Requiescat in pace._" - -In presenting to the public the following little sketches of physicians, I -may only say that doctors, of all men, are considered public property, and -have suffered more of the public's kicks and cuffs than any other class of -men, from the time when Hercules amused himself by setting up old Dr. -Chiron, and shooting poisoned arrows at his vulnerable heel, to the little -divertisement of the lovely St. Calvin and his consistory in cooking -Michael Servetus, the Spanish physician; to the imprisonment of our army -surgeons by their "brethren" of the South, that they might not be -instrumental in restoring Union soldiers to the ranks; or the more recent -imprisonment of a physician without cause, and the wholesale slaughter of -students, in the Isle of Cuba. - - -"THE QUAKER SURGEON." - -Dr. Valentine Mott gave no intimation, in his boyhood days, of the great -ability that for a time seemed to lie dormant within the after-developed, -massive, and well-balanced brain of the celebrated surgeon. Except from -the fact of his being the son of a country doctor, his schoolmates would -as soon have expected to see him turn out a second-rate -oyster-man,--suggested by the ominous name of the Bay, at Glen Cove, where -Valentine was born,--as to believe that a boy of no more promise would -develop into the greatest physician and surgeon of the age! He was reared -amongst doctors,--his father, and Dr. Valentine Searnen, and others. - -A "plough-boy" is as likely to become an eminent surgeon as is the son of -a practising physician. Dr. Willard Parker, one of the most prominent -physicians and surgeons of New York city, was born in New Hampshire, in -1802, of humble though most respectable parents. When Willard was but a -few years old, his family removed to Middlesex County, Mass., evidently -with a hope of bettering their circumstances. Here Mr. Parker entered more -fully upon the practical duties of an agricultural life, instructing his -son Willard, when not attending the village school, in the mysteries of -"Haw, Buck, and gee up, Dobbin." - -Until he was sixteen years old, young Parker was brought up a "plough-boy" -and a tiller of the soil. From a "plough-boy" he became the "master" of a -village school, "teaching the young idea how to shoot," which honest -pursuit he continued for several years, until he had accumulated -sufficient means to enter Harvard. He was a hard-working student, and his -books were not thrown aside when he had obtained a diploma, in 1830.... As -a lecturer and operator, Dr. Parker has been most successful.... Since the -death of Dr. Valentine Mott, in April, 1865, Professor Parker has been -elected president of the New York Inebriate Asylum (Binghamton). - - -AN ONONDAGA FARMER BOY. - -Imagine, dear reader, looking back over the space of nearly forty years, -that you see an uncouth young man, twenty years of age, clad in the coarse -clothes and cowhide boots of an Onondaga farmer, who, straightening up -from his laborious task of potato hoeing, stops for a moment, leaning with -one hand upon his hoe, while he wipes the sweat from his handsome, -intelligent, though sun-burned brow with a cotton handkerchief in the -other. Here is a picture for a painter! Now he seems studiously observing -the old village doctor, who, seated in his crazy old gig, drawn by his -ancient sorrel mare, is leisurely jogging by on the main turnpike. - -[Illustration: THE ONONDAGA FARMER BOY.] - -"Good evening, Stephen; p'taters doin' well?" says the doctor. - -Receiving an affirmative answer, the doctor drives past, and is gone from -the sight, but not from the memory, of the young farmer. - -"And _that_ is a representative of the science of medicine!" - -So saying, the young man "hoed out his row,"--which was his last,--picked -up his coat, and returned to the parental mansion, but a few rods distant. -This was the turning-point in his life. - -We pass over twenty years or more. - -It is operating-day at Bellevue Hospital, in New York city. A very serious -and important operation is about to be performed. Three hundred students -and physicians are seated in a semicircle under the great dome of the -hospital, in profound silence and intense interest, while the professor -and attending surgeon is delivering a brief but comprehensive lecture -relative to the forthcoming operation. - -The speaker is a man of middle age, medium height, deep, expressive eyes, -well-developed brow, with that excellent quality of muscle and nerve that -is only the result of earlier out-door exercise and development, with calm -deportment and modest speech. "His conciseness of expression and quiet -self-possession are evident to every beholder, and comprehensive and -congenial to every listener." - -Who is this splendid man before whom students and physicians bow in such -profound respect and veneration, and to whom even Professors Mott, Parker, -Elliott, Clark, etc., give especial attention? - -It is Stephen Smith, M. D., once the Onondaga farmer boy! - -Says Dr. Francis, of New York, "When a youthful farmer is seen studying -the works of learned authors during that portion of the day which is -generally set aside for relaxation and pleasing pastime, one may easily -predict for him ultimate success in the branch of life that he may choose, -provided he follows out the higher instincts of his nature. The same zeal -that caused Stephen Smith, farmer, to study at the risk of ease, and meet -the fatigue of body with the energies of mind, has ever marked his course -in after years." - - -COMMENCING PRACTICE. - -From that excellent work, "Scenes in the Practice of a New York Surgeon," -by Dr. E. H. Dixon, I copy, with some abbreviation, the following, which -the author terms "Leaves from the Log-book of an Unfledged AEsculapian:"-- - -"In the year 1830 I was sent forth, like our long-suffering and -much-abused prototype,--old father Noah's crow,--from the ark of safety, -the old St. Duane Street College. I pitched my tent, and set up my trap, -in what was then a fashionable up-town street. - -"I hired a modest house, and had my arm-chair, my midnight couch, and my -few books in my melancholy little office, and I confess that I now and -then left an amputating-knife, or some other awful-looking instrument, on -the table, to impress the poor women who came to me for advice. - -"These little matters, although the 'Academy' would frown upon them, I -considered quite pardonable. God knows I would willingly have adopted -their most approved method of a splendid residence, and silver-mounted -harnesses for my bays; but they were yet in dream-land, eating moonbeams, -and my vicious little nag had nearly all this time to eat his oats and -nurse his bad temper in his comfortable stable. - -"In this miserable way I read over my old books, watered my -rose-bushes,--sometimes with tears,--drank my tea and ate my toast, and -occasionally listened to the complaint of an unfortunate Irish damsel, -with her customary account of 'a pain in me side an' a flutterin' about me -heart.' At rare intervals I ministered to some of her countrywomen in -their fulfilment of the great command when placed in the Garden of Eden. -(What a dirty place it would have been if inhabited by Irish women!) - -"And thus I spent nearly a year without a single call to any person of -character. I think I should have left in despair if it had not been for a -lovely creature up the street. She was the wife of a distinguished fish -merchant down town. - -"This lovely woman was Mrs. Mackerel. I will explain how it was that I -was summoned to her ladyship's mansion, and had the pleasure of seeing Mr. -Mackerel, of the firm of 'Mackerel, Haddock & Dun.' - -"One bitter cold night in January, just as I was about to retire, a -furious ring at the front door made me feel particularly amiable! A -servant announced the sudden and alarming illness of Mrs. Mackerel, with -the assurance that as the family physician was out of town, Mrs. M. would -be obliged if I would immediately visit her. Accordingly, I soon found -myself in the presence of the accomplished lady, having--I confess -it--given my hair an extra touch as I entered the beautiful chamber. - -"Mrs. Mackerel was not a bad-tempered lady; she was only a beautiful -fool--nothing less, dear reader, or she would have never married old -Mackerel. Her charms would have procured her a husband of at least a -tolerable exterior. His physiognomy presented a remarkable resemblance to -his namesake. Besides, he chewed and smoked, and the combination of the -aroma of his favorite luxuries with the articles of his merchandise must -have been most uncongenial to the curve of such lips and such nostrils as -Mrs. Mackerel's. - -"I was received by Mr. Mackerel in a manner that increased observation has -since taught me is sufficiently indicative of the hysterical _finale_ of a -domestic dialogue. He was not so obtuse as to let me directly into the -true cause of his wife's nervous attack and his own collectedness, and yet -he felt it would not answer to make too light of it before me. - -"Mr. and Mrs. M. had just returned from a party. (The party must be the -'scape-goat'!) He assured me that as the lady was in the full enjoyment of -health previously, he felt obliged to attribute the cause of her attack -and speechless condition--for she spoke not one word, or gave a sign--to -the dancing, heated room, and the supper. - -"I was fully prepared to realize the powers of ice-cream, cake, oranges, -chicken-salad, oysters, sugar-plums, punch, and champagne, and at one -moment almost concluded to despatch a servant for an emetic of ipecac; -but--I prudently avoided it. Aside from the improbability of excess of -appetite through the portal of such a mouth, the lovely color of the -cheeks and lips utterly forbade a conclusion favorable to Mr. Mackerel's -solution of the cause. - -"I placed my finger on her delicate and jewelled wrist. All seemed calm as -the thought of an angel's breast! - -"I was nonplussed. 'Could any tumultuous passion ever have agitated that -bosom so gently swelling in repose?' - -"Mackerel's curious questions touching my sagacity as to his wife's -condition received about as satisfactory a solution as do most questions -put to me on the cause and treatment of diseases; and having tolerably -befogged him with opinions, and lulled his suspicions to rest, by the -apparent innocent answers to his leading questions, he arrived at the -conclusion most desirable to him, viz., that I was a fool--a conviction -quite necessary in some nervous cases.... - -"So pleased was Mr. M. with the soothing influences of my brief visit that -he very courteously waited on me to the outside door, instead of ordering -a servant to show me out, and astonished me by desiring me to call on the -patient again in the morning. - -"After my usual diversion of investigating 'a pain an' a flutterin' about -me heart,' and an 'O, I'm kilt intirely,' I visited Mrs. Mackerel, and had -the extreme pleasure of finding her quite composed, and in conversation -with her fashionable friend, Mrs. Tiptape. The latter was the daughter of -a 'retired milliner,' and had formed a desirable union with Tiptape, the -eminent dry goods merchant. Fortunately--for she was a woman of -influence--I passed the critical examination of Mrs. T. unscathed by her -sharp black eyes, and, as the sequel will show, was considered by her -'quite an agreeable person.' - -"Poor Mrs. Mackerel, notwithstanding her efforts to conceal it, had -evidently received some cruel and stunning communication from her husband -on the night of my summons; her agitated circulation during the fortnight -of my attendance showed to my conviction some persistent and secret cause -for her nervousness. - -"One evening she assured me that she felt she should now rapidly recover, -as Mr. Mackerel had concluded to take her to Saratoga. I, of course, -acquiesced in the decision, though my previous opinion had not been asked. -I took a final leave of the lovely woman, and the poor child soon departed -for Saratoga. - -"The ensuing week there was a sheriff's sale at Mackerel's residence. The -day following the Mackerels' departure, Mr. Tiptape did me the honor to -inquire after the health of my family; and a week later, Master Tiptape -having fallen and bumped his dear nose on the floor, I had the felicity of -soothing the anguish of his mamma in her magnificent _boudoir_, and -holding to her lovely nose the smelling salts, and offering such -consolation as her trying position required!" - -Thus was commenced the practice of one of the first physicians of New -York. The facts are avouched for. The names, of course, are manufactured, -to cover the occupation of the parties. The doctor still lives, in the -enjoyment of a lucrative and respectable practice, and the love and -confidence of his numerous friends and patrons. - -Quite as ludicrous scenes could be revealed by most physicians, if they -would but take the time to think over their earlier efforts, and the -various circumstances which were mainly instrumental in getting them into -a respectable practice. - - -HOW PROFESSOR EBERLE STARTED. - -The young man who has just squeezed through a medical college, and come -out with his "sheepskin," who thinks all he then has to do is to put up -his sign, and forthwith he will have a crowd of respectable patients, is -to be pitied for his verdancy. The great Professor John Eberle "blessed -his stars" when, after graduating as "Doctor of Medicine" in the -University of Pennsylvania, and making several unsuccessful attempts at -practice in Lancaster County, he received the appointment as physician of -the "out-door poor" of Philadelphia. After that, his writings, attracting -public attention, were mostly contributive to his success and advancement. - -Energy and determination are better property than even scholastic lore and -a medical diploma, for unless you possess the former, talent and education -fall to the earth. - -Dr. William P. Dewees, formerly Professor of Obstetrics in the University -of Pennsylvania, the celebrated author, physician, and surgeon, practised -seventeen years before he obtained a diploma. He was of Swedish descent on -his father's side, and Irish on his mother's. His father died in very -limited circumstances, when William was a boy; hence he received no -collegiate education until such time as he could earn means, by his own -efforts, to pay for that coveted desideratum. We find him, with an -ordinary school education, serving as an apothecary's clerk, a student of -medicine, and at the early age of twenty-one years trying to practise -medicine in a country town fourteen miles from Philadelphia. Young Dewees -possessed great talent and energy, but his personal appearance was -scarcely such, at that early age, as to inspire the stoical country folks -with the requisite confidence to speedily intrust him with their precious -lives and more cherished coppers! - -"He was scarcely of medium stature, florid complexion, brown hair, and was -remarkably youthful in his appearance," says Professor Hodge, M. D. - -I have before me an excellent likeness "of the embryo professor," which -admirably corresponds with the description given above; but though -"youthful," yea, bordering on "greenness," I can read in that frank, -intelligent countenance the lines of deep thought, and a soul burning with -desire for greater knowledge. The too florid countenance and narrow -nostrils are sure indications of a consumptive predisposition. Dr. Dewees -died May 30, 1841. He was well read in French and Latin, and also various -sciences. - - -A HARD STARTING. - -_Sketch of Western Practice._--The following interesting sketch is from -the able pen of Dr. Richmond, of Ohio, now a wealthy and eminent M. D. It -was originally contributed, if I mistake not, to the "Scalpel." - -"I set myself down with my household goods in a land of strangers. How I -was to procure bread, or what I was to do, were shrouded in the mysterious -future. Memory came to my consolation; for, in spite of myself, the 'Diary -of a London Physician,' read in other days, came, with its racy pictures, -flitting before my mind's eye; and I knew not but I, too, might yet wish -myself, my Mary, and my child sleeping in the cold grave, to hide me from -the persecution that seemed to follow me with such sleepless vigilance.... - -"My store of old watches now came into play. A gentleman wishing to sell -out his land, I invested all the wealth I possessed in the purchase of a -ten-acre lot, shouldered my axe, and by the aid of a brother I soon -prepared logs for the mill sufficient to erect me a small dwelling. I -never was happier than when preparing the ground and splitting the blocks -of sandstone for the foundation of my house. One customer, whose wife I -had carried through a lingering fever, furnished me a frame for a -dwelling, and I fell in his debt for a pair of boots. Another furnished -nails and glass, and in the course of eight months I moved into my new -house. - -"For two years I fed my cow, and raised my own provender to feed my -gallant nag, which shared my toil and its profits. My first two years' -labor barely returned sufficient profit to pay for my home and feed my -little family. - -"My nag had died, and the terrible drought of 1846 forced me to relinquish -the horse I had hired, and for five months I performed all my visits on -foot, often travelling from six to ten miles to see one patient.... - -"These were trying times; but what if the elements were unpropitious? I -had food and shelter for myself and family,--blessings about which I had -often been in doubt,--and I was fully prepared to let 'the heathen rage, -and the people imagine' what they chose!... The first winter was one of -great severity; the weather was very changeable, and the most awful -snow-storms were often succeeded by heavy rains, and the roads so horrid -as to be impassable on horseback or in carriages. I had a patient five -miles distant, sick with lung fever, and, in an attendance of forty days I -made thirty journeys on foot (three hundred miles to attend one patient!) -His recovery added much to my reputation, and I received for my services a -new cloak and coat, which I much needed, and a hive of honey bees!... - -"An old horse which I again hired of a friend had a polite way of limping, -and was a source of much merriment among my patrons. I persistently -attributed what they deemed a fault entirely to the politeness of the -quadruped; and this nag, with my plain and rustic appearance, endeared me -to the laboring population, and thus my calamities became my greatest -friends. My fortune changed, and the experience and name I had acquired -now came in as capital in trade, and a flood of 'luck' soon followed." - - -ABERNETHY'S BOYHOOD. - -Seated upon the outside of an ancient London stage-coach, to which were -attached four raw-boned, old horses, just ready to start for Wolverhaven -one pleasant afternoon, you may easily imagine, kind reader,--for it is a -fact,--a chubby-faced, commonplace little boy, some ten years old, with -another like youthful companion,--"two Londoners,"--while comfortably -ensconced within, in one corner of the vehicle, is a large, stern-looking -old gentleman, in "immense wig and ruffled shirt." - -[Illustration: THE POLITE QUADRUPED.] - -The stage-horn is sounded, the driver cracks his whip, the sleepy old nags -wake up, the coach rocks from side to side, and in a moment more the team -is off for its destination. - -Why! the reader is readily reminded of the scene of "_Old Squeers_," -taking the wretched little boys down to his "Academy," in Yorkshire, -"where youth were boarded, clothed, furnished with pocket-money," and -taught everything, from "writing to trigonometry," "arithmetic to -astronomy," languages of the "_living_ and _dead_" and "diet -unparalleled!" Nevertheless it is another case, far before "Old Squeers" -time. - -The elderly gentleman, in top-wig and immense ruffles, was Dr. Robertson, -teacher of Wolverhampton Grammar School, and the chubby little boy was -Master John Abernethy. Who the "other boy" was is not known, as he never -made his mark in after life. Says Dr. Macilwain,-- - -"We can quite imagine a little boy, careless in his dress, not slovenly, -however, with both hands in his trousers pockets, some morning about the -year 1774, standing under the sunny side of the wall at Wolverhampton -School; his pockets containing, perhaps, a few shillings, some ha'pence, a -knife with the point broken, a pencil, together with a tolerably accurate -sketch of 'Old Robertson's wig,'--which article, shown in an accredited -portrait now before us, was one of those enormous by-gone bushes, which -represented a sort of impenetrable fence around the cranium, as if to -guard the precious material within; the said boy just finishing a story to -his laughing companions, though no sign of mirth appeared in him, save the -least curl of the lip, and a smile that would creep out of the corner of -his eye in spite of himself." - -[Illustration: YOUNG ABERNETHY.] - -"The doctor" was represented as being a passionate man. Squeers again! -One day young Abernethy had to do some Greek Testament, when his glib -translation aroused the suspicion of the watchful old doctor, who -discovered the 'crib' in a Greek-Latin version, partially secreted under -the boy's desk. No sooner did the doctor make this discovery than with his -doubled fist he felled the culprit with one blow to the earth. Squeers -again! - -"'Why, what an old plagiarist Mr. Dickens must have been!' you exclaim. - -"But the case in 'Nicholas Nickleby' is worse, far worse, for 'the little -boy sitting on the trunk only sneezed.' - -"'Hallo, sir,' growled the schoolmaster (Squeers), 'what's that?' - -"'Nothing, sir,' replied the little boy. - -"'Nothing, sir!' exclaimed Squeers. - -"'Please, sir, I sneezed!' rejoined the boy, trembling till the little -trunk shook under him. - -"'O, sneezed, did you?' retorted Mr. Squeers. 'Then what did you say -"Nothing" for, sir?' - -"In default of a better answer to this question, the little boy screwed a -couple of knuckles into his eyes, and began to cry; wherefore Mr. Squeers -knocked him off the trunk with a blow on one side of the head, and knocked -him on again with a blow on the other." - -Robertson was a fact; Squeers was a fable. That's the difference. - -As Dr. Robertson taught neither arithmetic nor writing in his school, the -pupils went to King Street, to a Miss Ready, to receive instruction in -those branches. This lady, if report is true, wielded the quill and -cowhide with equal grace and mercy, and when the case came to hand, did -not accept the modern advice, to "spare the boy and spoil the rod." - -When the great surgeon was at the height of his fame, in London, many -years afterwards, Miss Ready, still rejoicing in "single blessedness," -called on her former pupil. In introducing his respected and venerable -teacher to his wife, Abernethy laconically remarked, "I beg to introduce -you to a lady who has boxed my ears many a time." - -An old schoolmate, when eighty-five years old, wrote to the author of -"Memoirs of Abernethy," saying, among other things, "In sports he took the -first place, and usually made a strong side; was quick and active, and -soon learned a new game." - -It was contrary to his own desire that John Abernethy became a physician. -"Had my father let me be a lawyer, I should have known by heart every act -of Parliament," he repeatedly affirmed. - -This was not bragging, as the following anecdote will illustrate:-- - -On a birthday anniversary of Mrs. Abernethy, mother of John, a gentleman -recited a long copy of verses, which he had composed for the occasion. - -"Ah," said young Abernethy, "that is a good joke, pretending you have -written these verses in honor of my mother. Why, sir, I know those lines -well, and can say them by heart." - -"It is quite impossible, as no one has seen the copy but myself," rejoined -the gentleman, the least annoyed by the accusation of plagiarism. - -Upon this Abernethy arose, and repeated them throughout, correctly, to the -no small discomfiture of the author. Abernethy had remembered them by -hearing the gentleman recite them but once! - -"A boy thwarted in his choice of a profession is generally somewhat -indifferent as to the course next presented to him." Residing next door -neighbor to Abernethy's father was Dr. Charles Blicke, a surgeon in -extensive practice. This was very convenient. Sir Charles is represented -as having been quick-sighted enough to discover that "the Abernethy boy" -was clever, a good scholar, and withal a "sharp fellow." Thus, between the -indifference of the parent, and the selfishness of the surgeon, the -would-be lawyer, John Abernethy, was apprenticed to the "barber-surgeon" -for five years. He was then but fifteen years of age. - -"All that young Abernethy probably knew of Sir Charles was, that he rode -about in a fine carriage, saw a great many people, and took a great many -fees; all of which, though presenting no further attractions for -Abernethy, made a _prima facie_ case not altogether repulsive." - -We must not forget to mention that young Abernethy was of a very inquiring -mind. "When I was a boy," he said in after years, "I half ruined myself in -buying oranges and sweetmeats, in order to ascertain the effects of -different kinds of diet on diseases." - -Whether he tried said "oranges and other things" on himself or some -unfortunate victim, my informant saith not; but I leave the reader to -decide by his own earlier appetites and experiences. "When I was a boy," I -think is significant of the probabilities that it was his own digestive -organs that were "half ruined." - -Be it as it may, it reminds me of the case of a little country boy, who, -on his first advent to the city on a holiday, was chaperoned by his -somewhat older and sharper city cousin,--"one of the b'hoy's,"--who -exercised a sort of vigilance over the uninitiated rustic, that the little -fellow might not surfeit himself by too great a rapacity for peanuts, -gingerbread, candies, and oranges, often generously sharing the danger by -partaking largely of the small boy's purchases in order to spare his more -delicate stomach. - -Finding the ignorant little rustic about to devour a nice-looking orange, -his cousin pounced upon him just in time to prevent the rash act. - -"Here, Sammy; don't you know that is one of the nastiest and most -indigestiblest things you could put into your stomach? Give it here!" - -Rustic, whose faith in the wisdom of his maturer cousin, though very -great, was yet quite counterbalanced by the sweets in the orange, slightly -held back, when the other continued,-- - -"Leastwise, Sammy, let's have a hold of it, and suck the abominable juice -out for you." - -(For this digression I beg the pardon of the reader; for the idea I thank -Frank Leslie.) - -George Macilwain, M. D., F. R. C. S., etc., in prefacing the life of the -great London surgeon, gives a brief and interesting sketch of his own -boyhood, also his early impressions of Abernethy, and his first attendance -on his lectures. - -"My father practised on the border of a forest, and when he was called at -night to visit a distant patient, it was the greatest treat to me, when a -little boy, to be allowed to saddle my pony and accompany him. I used to -wonder what he could find so 'disagreeable' in that which was to me the -greatest possible pleasure; for whether we were skirting a bog on the -darkest night, or cantering over the heather by moonlight, I certainly -thought there could be nobody happier than I and my pony. It was on one of -these occasions that I first heard the name of 'Abernethy.' The next -distinct impression I have of him was derived from hearing father say that -a lady patient of his had gone up to London to have an operation performed -by Dr. Abernethy, though my father did not think the operation necessary -to a cure, and that Abernethy entirely agreed with him; that the operation -was not performed; that he sent the lady back, and she was recovering. -This gave me a notion that Dr. Abernethy must be a good man, as well as a -great physician. - -"As long as surgery meant riding across the forest with my father, holding -his horse, or, if he stopped in too long, seeing if his horse rode as well -as my pony, I thought it a very agreeable occupation; but when I found -that it included many other things not so agreeable, I soon discovered -that there was a profession I liked much better.... - -"Disappointed in being allowed to follow the pursuit I had chosen, I -looked on the one I was about to adopt with something approximating to -repulsion; and thus one afternoon, about the year 1816, and somewhat to my -own surprise, I found myself walking down Holborn Hill on my way to Dr. -Abernethy's lecture at St. Bartholomew's. - -"When Dr. Abernethy entered, I was pleased with the expression of his -countenance. I almost fancied he sympathized with the melancholy with -which I felt oppressed. At first I listened with some attention; as he -proceeded, I began even to feel pleasure; as he progressed, I found myself -entertained; and before he concluded, I was delighted. What an agreeable, -happy man he seems! What a fine profession! What wouldn't I give to know -as much as he does! Well, I will see what I can do. In short, I was -converted." - -All who ever heard him lecture agree that Dr. Abernethy had a most happy -way of addressing students. Notwithstanding he has often been represented -as rough in his every-day intercourse with men, he was easy, mild, and -agreeable in the lecture-hall, and kind and compassionate in the -operating-room. - -After having carefully studied all that has been written respecting his -style and manner as a lecturer and delineator, and also studiously -listened to and watched the ways and peculiarities of our most excellent -lecturer on anatomy at Harvard, I find many striking resemblances between -Dr. Abernethy and Professor Oliver Wendell Holmes. - -"The position of Abernethy was always easy and natural, sometimes almost -homely. In the anatomical lecture he always stood, and either leaned -against the wall, with his arms folded before him, or rested one hand on -the table; sometimes one hand in his pocket. In his surgical lecture he -usually sat. He was particularly happy in a kind of cosiness, or -friendliness of manner, which seemed to identify him with his audience, as -if we were about to investigate something interesting together, and not -as though we were going to be 'lectured at,' at all. His voice seldom rose -above what we term the conversational, and was always pleasing in quality, -and enlivened by a sort of archness of expression." - -He always kept his eye on the audience, except slightly turning to one -side to explain a diagram or subject, "turning his back on no man." - -"He had no offensive habits. We have known lecturers who never began -without making faces;" we might add, "and with many a hem and haw, or -nose-blowing." - -"Not long ago we heard a very sensible lecturer, and a very estimable man, -produce a most ludicrous effect by the above. He had been stating very -clearly some important facts, and he then observed,-- - -"'The great importance of these I will now proceed to show--' when he -immediately began to apply his pocket-handkerchief most vigorously to his -nose, still facing his audience." - -The ludicrousness of this "illustration" may well be imagined. Of course -the students lost their gravity, and laughed and cheered vigorously. - -Going in to hear Dr. Holmes lecture, at one o'clock one afternoon, -recently, the writer was both shocked and astonished, on the occasion of -the professor slipping in a pleasing innuendo, by hearing the students -cheer with their hands, and stamp with their thick boots on the seats. - -I shall have occasion to refer to this splendid man, the pleasing -lecturer, the skilful operator, the able author, the ripe scholar, the -pride of Harvard and the state,--Dr. O. W. Holmes,--in another chapter. - - -THE HOMELESS STUDENT. - -(Scene from the EARLY LIFE OF A BOSTON PHYSICIAN. By permission.) - -Standing on the steps of the Astor House, New York, one cheerless forenoon -in early June, with my carpet-bag in one hand and my fresh medical diploma -in the other, with a heavy weight of sorrow at my heart, and only sixteen -cents in my pocket, I presented, to myself at least, a picture of such -utter despair as words are inadequate to express.[4] - -My home--no; I had none--the home, rather, of my kind old father-in-law, -where dwelt, for the time being, my wife and child, was many hundred miles -away. And how was I to reach it? I could not walk that distance, and -sixteen cents would not carry me there. I looked up Broadway, and I looked -down towards the Battery. I was alone amid an immense sea of humans, which -ebbed and flowed continually past me. O, how wistfully I looked to see if -there might be one face amongst the throng which I might recognize! but -there was none. Strange, passing strange, not one of that host did I ever -gaze upon before! Where--how--should I raise the money necessary to take -me from this land of strangers? - -"Pinny, sir? Just one pinny. Me father is broken up, and me mither is sick -at home. For God's sake give me jist one pinny to buy me some bread." - -I turned my gaze upon the picture of squalor and wretchedness just by my -side. I need not describe her; she was just like a thousand others in that -great Babel. - -"Here is doubtless a case of distress, but it is not of the heart, like -mine. Such poor have no heart. Skin, muscle, head, stomach! heart, none!" - -"Where is your father, did you say?" I asked, mechanically. - -"In the Slarter-house; broken up from a fall from a stagin' in -Twenty-sixth Street, sir," replied the beggar-girl, still extending her -hand for a penny. - -"What is he doing in a slaughter-house, sis?" I inquired. - -"The Slarter-house is Bellyvew horse-pittle, sir; that's what we Irish -call it, sir. Will ye give me the pinny, sir?" - -[Illustration: "PINNY, SIR? JUST ONE PINNY."] - -"O, yes, to be sure. Here are pennies for you. Go!" - -I knew of a poor Irishman who was brought in there at the hospital a few -days before badly "broken up" from a fall on Twenty-sixth Street. His name -was John Murphy; they are all named Murphy, or something similar; so it -was useless to ask the child her father's name--probably it would have -been Murphy. - -The conversation had the good effect of arousing me from my lethargy to -action. I must not stay in this metropolis and starve. I could not remain -and beg, like the Irish girl. - -I went to Professor ----, the dean, and requested him to take back my -diploma, and let me have sufficient money to carry me home. He -complied--God bless him!--and I took the Sound steamer that afternoon for -the land of my nativity. What cared I if I was a second-class passenger; I -would in two days see my wife and my child! - - * * * * * - -I had reached home, and was in the bosom of my family once more, and -amongst my friends, in a Christian land; for which I "thanked God, and -took courage." - - "Then pledged me the wine-cup, and fondly I swore - Ne'er from my home and my weeping friends to part; - My children kissed me a thousand times o'er; - My wife sobbed aloud in her fullness of heart." - -I had a "call" to practise in a country town twenty-five miles from E----, -where my family was to remain a few days till I had secured a house to -cover their heads amongst the good friends who were to become my future -patrons, as a few of them had been previous to my going to college. The -stage, a one-horse affair, called for my trunk, medicine-case, etc., and, -having no money with which to pay my fare, I told the driver that "I would -walk along," while he picked up another passenger in an opposite -direction, "and if he overtook me on the road before I got a ride with -some one going to S----, he could take me in." - -I walked bravely along a mile or more, and, hearing the stage coming, I -stepped from the road-side, secreting myself beneath a friendly tree till -he drove past. Issuing from my hiding-place, I trudged along till noon. My -darling little wife had taken the precaution to place in my oversack -pocket some doughnuts and cheese, and, when I had reached a clear, running -brook, I sat myself down upon a log, under the shade of the woods, and -partook of my very frugal meal, quenching my thirst from the waters of the -brook, which, like Diogenes, I raised in the hollow of my hand. - -Thus refreshed, I picked up my overcoat, and again walked along. Before -dark I reached S----, pretty tired and foot-sore from such a long walk. - -[Illustration: THE PENNILESS PHYSICIAN.] - -The people, who were expecting me, were much surprised at my non-arrival -in the mail; but the unsophisticated driver assured them I had probably -secured a ride ahead of him, and I would put in an appearance before -nightfall. - -About midnight the door-bell rang,--I stopped at the hotel that -night,--and a young gentleman asked for Dr. C. I answered the call at -once, which was to the daughter of one of the most influential citizens of -the place. The young man who called me was her intended. They had been to -a party, and she had partaken freely of oysters, milk, and pickles. - -Never did fifteen grains of ipecac prove a greater friend to me than it -did on that occasion; and in an hour I was back to bed again. - -The news of the new doctor's arrival, fresh from a New York college, and -his first "remarkable cure of the post-master's daughter" that same night, -spread like wildfire, and my reputation was nearly established. - -[Illustration] - - - - -XI. - -GHOSTS AND WITCHES. - - "Save and defend us from our _ghostly_ enemies."--COMMON PRAYER. - - FOLLY OF BELIEF IN GHOSTS.--WHY GHOSTS ARE ALWAYS WHITE.--A TRUE - STORY.--THE GHOST OF THE CAMP.--A GHOSTLY SENTRY-BOX.--A MYSTERY.--THE - NAGLES FAMILY.--RAISING THE DEAD.--A LIVELY STAMPEDE.--HOLY - WATER.--CAESAR'S GHOST AT PHILIPPI.--LORD BYRON AND DR. JOHNSON.--GHOST - OF A GUILTY CONSCIENCE.--"JOCKEYING A GHOST."--THE WOUNDED BIRD.--A - BISHOP SEES A GHOST.--MUSICAL GHOSTS.--A HAUNTED HOUSE.--ABOUT - WITCHES.--"WITCHES IN THE CREAM."--HORSE-SHOES.--WOMAN OF ENDOR NOT A - WITCH.--WEIGHING FLESH AGAINST THE BIBLE.--THERE ARE NO GHOSTS, OR - WITCHES. - - -Is it not quite time--I appeal to the sensible reader--that such folly was -expunged from our literature? What is a ghost? Who ever saw, heard, felt, -tasted, or smelled one? Must a person possess some miraculous quality of -perception beyond the five senses commonly allotted to man in order to -become cognizant of a ghostly presence? - -[Illustration: BELIEVERS IN GHOSTS.] - -What stupid folly is ghost belief! Yet there are very many individuals in -this enlightened day and generation, who, from perverted spirituality, or -great credulousness, will accept a ghost story, or a "spiritual -revelation," without wincing. - -It would seem that many great men of the past, as Calvin, Bacon, Milton, -Dante, Lords Byron and Nelson, Sir Walter Scott, Wordsworth, and others, -believed in the existence of ghosts and spirits on this mundane sphere. - -There are but two classes who believe in ghosts, viz., the ignorant as one -class, and persons with large or perverted spirituality--phrenologically -speaking--as the other. These are the believers in dreams, in ghosts, in -spirits, and fortune-telling. These, too, are the religious (?) fanatics, -etc. - - -THE ORIGIN OF THE WORD GHOST - -is curious. - -"The first significance of the word, as well as 'spirit,' is breath, or -wind." It is of Anglo-Saxon origin, and is from _gust_, the wind. Hence, a -_gust_ of _wind_. The Irish word _goath_, wind, comes nearer to the modern -English pronunciation, and shows how easily it could have been corrupted -to _ghost_. - -It is easy to imagine the good old Saxon ladies, sitting around the -evening fireside, and just as one of them has finished some marvellous -story of that superstitious age, they are startled by a sudden blast of -wind, sweeping around the gabled cottage, and her listeners exclaim, in -suppressed breath,-- - -"Hark! There's a fearful gust!" - -The transit from _gust_ to _ghost_ is easily done. The clothes spread upon -the bushes without, or pinned to the lines, flapping in the night air, are -seen through the shutterless windows, and they become the object of -attraction. The _effect_ supersedes the _cause_, and the clothes become -the gust, goath, or ghost! The clothes, necessarily, must be white, or -they _could not be seen in the night time_! Hence a ghost is always -clothed in white. Therefore the wind (gust) is no longer the ghost, but -any white object seen moving in the night air. - -[Illustration: "HARK! THERE'S A FEARFUL GUST!"] - - "But I am a wandering ghost-- - I am an idle breath, - That the sweets of the things now lost - Are haunting unto death. - Pity me out in the cold, - Never to rest any more, - Because of my share in the purple and gold, - Lost from the world's great store. - - "I whirl through empty space, - A hapless, hurried ghost; - For me there is no place-- - I'm weary, wandering, lost. - Safe from the night and cold, - All else is sheltered--all, - From the sheep at rest in the fold, - To the black wasp on the wall." - -Moffat says that a tribe of Caffres formerly employed the word _Morino_ to -designate the Supreme Being; but as they sank into savagery, losing the -idea of God, it came to mean only a fabulous ghost, of which they had -great terror. - -Having briefly shown the folly of the existence of the word in our -vocabulary, I will proceed to explode a few of the best authenticated--so -called--"ghost stories;" and if I leave anything unexplained in -ghostology, let the reader attribute it to either my want of space in -which to write so much, or the neglect of my early education in the _dead -languages_. - - -THE GHOST OF THE CAMP. - -I obtained the following story from one of the sentries:-- - -At Portsmouth, R. I., there was a camp established during the late war, -186-. There was a graveyard in one corner of the enclosed grounds, where -several soldier-boys had been buried from the hospital, and here a guard -was nightly stationed. - -Of course there were many stories told around the campfires, of ghosts and -spirits that flitted about the mounds at the dead hours of the night, -circulated particularly to frighten those stationed at that point on -picket duty. - -The body of a soldier had recently been exhumed and placed in a new and -more respectable coffin than the pine box coffin furnished by Uncle Sam, -in which he had been buried, and the old one was left on the ground. - -Partly to protect himself from the inclemency of the weather, and quite as -much to show his utter disregard of all ghostly visitors, my informant -secured the old pine coffin, "washed it out, though it was impossible to -remove all the stains," and, driving a stake firmly into the ground, he -stood the coffin on one end, and, removing the lid, used to stand therein -on rainy nights. - -"When it did not rain, I turned it down, and my companion and myself used -to sit on the bottom. - -"One day a soldier-boy had died in the hospital, and his friends came to -take the body home for Christian burial. It was necessary to remove him in -a sheet to the place where they had an elegant casket, bought by his -wealthy friends, to receive the remains. - -"That very night I was on duty with my friend Charley S., when, near -midnight, seated upon the empty coffin, with my gun resting against the -side, and my head resting in the palms of my hands, I fell into a drowse. - -[Illustration: A GRAVE SENTRY.] - -"Waking up suddenly, I saw something white through the darkness before me; -for it was a fearfully dark night, I assure you. I rubbed my sleepy eyes -to make sure of my sight, and took another look. I discerned a form, -higher than a man, moving about over the mounds but a few yards distant. -It had wide side-wings, but they did not seem to assist in the motion of -the body part, which did not reach to the ground. I thought I must be -asleep, and actually pinched my legs to awake myself before I took a final -look at his ghostship. There he stood, stock still. I listened for my -companion, without removing my eyes from the white object before me. Still -I was not scared, but meant to see it out. I knew I could not see a man -far through that impenetrable darkness, for there were no stars nor -moon to reveal him. I would not call for help, for if it was a farce to -scare me, I should become the laughing-stock of the whole camp. - -[Illustration: A GHOST IN CAMP.] - -"Just then I heard the grass crackle, and I knew Charley was approaching -in the rear. Still there hung the apparition. I arose from the coffin, my -eyes fixed on the object before me, picked up my musket, took deliberate -aim at the centre of the thing, and just as I cocked my rifle, I heard -Charley set back the hammer of his 'death-dealer.' He, too, had discovered -the very remarkable appearance, whatever it was; and now the guns of two -'unfailing shots' covered the object. In another second it had suddenly -disappeared! I then spoke, and we ran forward, but found nothing! Where -had it gone so very suddenly? It had vanished without sight or sound. We -gave up the search; but still I did not believe we had seen anything -supernatural. - -"There was no little discussion in camp on the following day on the -subject. Charley said but little. I could not explain the remarkable -phenomenon, and a splendid ghost story was about established, in spite of -me, before the mystery became unravelled. - -"A tall fellow, who worked about the hospital, and who assisted in taking -away the corpse, was returning with the sheet, when he thought he would -give the sentry a scare from his coffin by throwing the sheet over his -head and stretching out his arms like wings. His clothes being black, his -legs did not show; hence the appearance of a white object floating in the -air. Hearing the guns cocked, he instantly jerked the sheet from his head; -winding it up, he turned and ran away. This accounted for it becoming so -instantaneously invisible. - -"'Yes,' said the sentry, 'and in a second more you would have been made a -ghost!'" - - -RAISING THE DEAD. - -_The Nagles Family._--The following remarkable and ridiculous affair -transpired in a village where the writer once resided. The Nagleses were -Irish. The family consisted of old Nagles, his wife,--who did washing for -my mother,--John Tom and Tom John, besides Mary. The reason of having the -boys named as above was, that in case either died, the sainted names would -still be in the family. This was old Mrs. Nagles' explanation of the -matter. - -The old man worked about the wharves, wheeled wood and carried coal, and -did such like jobs during summer, and chopped wood in the winter. I well -remember of hearing stories of his greenness when he first came to town. -He was early employed to wheel wood on board a coaster lying at the dock. -The captain told him to wheel a load down the plank, cry "Under!" to the -men in the hold, and tip down the barrow of wood. All went well till old -Nagles got to the stopping-place, over the hold, when he dumped down the -load, and cried out, "Stand ferninst, there, down cellar!" to the imminent -peril of breaking the heads of the wood-stevedores below. - -[Illustration: OLD NAGLES.] - -I well remember also the first appearance of the two boys at the village -school one winter. - -"What is your name?" inquired the master of the eldest. - -"Me name, is it? John Tom Nagles, sir, is me name, and who comes after is -the same." - -He always was called by us boys "John Tom Nagles, sir," thenceforward. He -certainly was the rawest specimen I ever met. - -One day the old man was wheeling wood on board a vessel. It was at low -water, and there was a distance of sixteen feet from the plank to the -bottom of the vessel's hold. The poor old fellow, by some mishap or -neglect, let go the barrow, when he called, "Stand ferninst, there, -below!" when wood, barrow, and old Mr. Nagles, all went down together. By -the fall he broke his neck. I never shall forget the awful lamentation set -up by the combined voices of the poor old woman, John Tom, Tom John, and -Mary, as they followed the corpse, borne on a wagon, past our house, on -the way from the vessel to the Nagles' residence. - -[Illustration: THE NAGLES BOYS.] - -On the following day great preparations were made to "wake" the old -gentleman according to the most approved fashion in the old country. There -were many Irish living--_staying_, at least--in that town, and large -quantities of pipes, tobacco, and whiskey were bought up, and the whole -town knew that a "powerful time" was anticipated by the Irish who were -invited to old Nagles' wake. It was an unusual occurrence, and several -boys and young men of the village went to the locality of the Nagles' -house to get a look upon the scene when it got under full pressure. I -certainly should have been there had not my parents forbidden me to go, -and I regret the inability to give my personal testimony to the truth of -the statement of what followed, as I do to what preceded, as related -above. - -[Illustration: CHIEF MOURNERS.] - -"When the wake was at its height, the room full of tobacco smoke, and the -jovial mourners full of Irish whiskey,--strychnine and fusel oil,--there -was an alarm of fire in the neighborhood. There was a grand rush from the -room, as well as from the windows where stood the listeners, and only one -old and drunken woman remained to watch the corpse. The door was left -open, and some of the young men outside, thinking it a good opportunity to -play a joke on the drunken party, ran into the room, and, seeing only the -old woman, who was too drunk to offer any objections, they removed the -body from the board, depositing it behind the boxes on which the board was -laid, and one of their number took the place of the corpse, barely having -time to draw the sheet over his face, when the 'wakers' returned. - -"The candles burned dimly through the hazy atmosphere of the old room, and -no one noticed the change. The pipes were relighted, the whiskey freely -passed, and finally one fellow proposed to offer the corpse a lighted pipe -and a glass of whiskey, 'for company's sake, through purgatory.' - -"Suiting the action to the word, he approached, attempted to raise the -head of the 'lively corpse,' and thrust the nasty pipe between his teeth. - -"The young man 'playing corpse' was no smoker, and in infinite disgust he -motioned the fellow away, who, too drunk to notice it, stuck the pipe in -his face, saying, 'Here, ould man, take a shmoke for your ghost's sake.' - -"'Bah! Git away wid the div'lish nasty thing,' exclaimed the young man, -rising and sitting up in the coffin. - -"There was an instantaneous stampede from the room of every waker who was -capable of rising to his legs, followed by the fellow in the sheet, who, -dropping the ghostly covering at the door, mingled with the rabble, and -was not recognized. The priest and the doctor were speedily summoned. The -former arrived, heard, outside the house, the wonderful story, and then -proceeded to lay the spirit by sprinkling holy water on the door-stone, -thence into the room. By this time the smoke had sufficiently subsided to -allow a view of the room, when the stiff, frigid body of old Nagles was -discovered on the floor, where 'it had fallen,' as they supposed, 'in -attempting to walk.' Of course the doctor ridiculed the idea of a stark, -cold body rising and speaking; but the Irish, to this day, believe old -Nagles, for that once, refused a pipe and a glass of whiskey. The few -young men dared not divulge the secret, and it never leaked out till the -entire family of Nagles had gone to parts unknown." - -[Illustration: A CORPSE THAT WOULD NOT SMOKE.] - - * * * * * - -I find a great many ghost stories in books, which are not explained; but -since the writer knows nothing of their authenticity, nor the persons with -whom they were connected, they are unworthy of notice here. - - -THE GHOST OF CAESAR AT PHILIPPI. - -Dr. Robert Macnish, of Glasgow, in his "Philosophy of Sleep," says, "No -doubt the apparition of Caesar which appeared to Brutus, and declared it -would meet him at Philippi, was either a dream or a spectral -illusion--probably the latter. Brutus, in all likelihood, had some idea -that the great battle which was to decide his fate would be fought at -Philippi. Probably it was a good military position, which he had in his -mind fixed upon as a fit place to make a final stand; and he had done -enough to Caesar to account for his mind being painfully and constantly -engrossed with the image of the assassinated dictator. Hence the -verification of this supposed warning; hence the easy explanation of a -supposed supernatural event." - - * * * * * - -"The ghost of Byron" may help to verify the above. Sir Walter Scott was -engaged in his study at Abbotsford, not long after the death of Lord -Byron, at about the twilight hour, in reading a sketch of the deceased -poet. The room was quiet, his thoughts were intensely centred upon the -person of his departed friend, when, as he laid down the volume, as he -could see to read no longer, and passed into the hall, he saw before him -the _eidolon_ of the deceased poet. He remained for some time impressed by -the intensity of the illusion, which had thus created a phantom out of -some clothes hanging on a screen at the farther end of the hall. - -This is not the first time that Byron had appeared to his friends, as the -following, from his own pen, will show:-- - -Byron wrote to his friend, Alexander Murray, less than two years before -the death of the latter, as follows:-- - -"In 1811, my old schoolmate and form-fellow, Robert Peel, the Irish -secretary, told me that he saw me in St. James Street. I was then in -Turkey. A day or two afterwards, he pointed out to his brother a person -across the street, and said, 'There is the man I took for Byron.' His -brother answered, 'Why, it is Byron, and no one else.' I was at this time -_seen_ (by them?) to write my name in the Palace Book! I was then ill of a -malaria fever. If I had died," adds Byron, "here would have been a ghost -story established." - -Dr. Johnson says, "An honest old printer named Edward Cave had seen a -ghost at St. John's Gate." Of course, the old man succumbed to the -apparition. - - -THE GHOST OF CONSCIENCE. - -I have yet to find the record of a good man seeing what he believed to be -a ghostly manifestation. It is only the guilty in conscience who conjure -up "horrible shadows," as pictured in Shakspeare's ghost of Banquo, as it -appeared to Macbeth. What deserving scorn, what scathing contempt, were -conveyed in the language of Lady Macbeth to her cowardly, -conscience-stricken lord, as she thus rebuked him!-- - - "O, proper stuff! - This is the very painting of your fear; - This is the air-drawn dagger which you said - Led you to Duncan! O, these flaws and starts - (Impostors to true fear) would well become - A woman's story at a winter's fire,[5] - Authorized by her grandam. Shame itself! - ... When all's done, - You look but on a stool!" - -There is a great truth embodied in a portion of the king's reply, that-- - - "If charnel-houses and our graves must send - Those that we bury, back, our monuments - Shall be the maws of kites." - -The gay and dissipated Thomas Lyttleton, son of Lord George Lyttleton, and -his successor in the peerage, has been the subject of "a -well-authenticated ghost story, which relates that he was warned of his -death three days before it happened, in 1779, while he was in a state of -perfect health, and only thirty-five years of age." This is what says a -biographer. Now let us present the truth of the matter. - -He was a dissipated man. He was subject to fits. A gentleman present at -the time of his seeing a vision, says "that he had been attacked several -times by suffocative fits the month before." Here, then, was a _body -diseased_. The same authority says, "It happened that he dreamed, three -days before his death, that he saw a _fluttering bird_; and afterwards, -that he saw (dreamed) a woman in white apparel, who said to him, 'Prepare -to die; you will not exist three days.' - -[Illustration: PREPARE TO DIE!] - -"His lordship was much alarmed, and called his servant, who slept in an -adjoining closet, who found his master in a state of great agitation, and -in a profuse perspiration." - -Fear blanches the cheek; perspiration is rather a symptom of bodily -weakness, and the result of a laborious dream, or even a fit. He had no -fear, for, on the third day, while his lordship was at breakfast with "the -two Misses Amphlett, Lord Fortescue," and the narrator, he said, -lightly,-- - -"'If I live over to-night, _I shall have jockeyed the ghost_, for this is -the third day.' That day he had another fit. He dined at five, and retired -at eleven, when his servant was about to give him some prescribed rhubarb -and mint-water, but his lordship, seeing him about to stir the mixture -with a toothpick, exclaimed,-- - -"'You slovenly dog, go and fetch a teaspoon.' - -"On the servant's return, he found his master in another fit, and, the -pillow being high, his chin bore on his windpipe, when the servant, -instead of relieving his lordship from his perilous position, ran away for -help; but on his return, found his master dead." - -He had strangled. Is it anything strange that a dissipated, weakened man -should die after having a score of suffocative fits? It had been more -surprising if he had survived them. Then, as respecting the dream, it was -the result of a "mind diseased." - -There was evidence that his lordship had seduced the Misses Amphlett, and -prevailed upon them to leave their mother; and he is said to have -admitted, before his death, that the woman seen in his dream was the -mother of the unfortunate girls, and that she died of grief, through the -disgrace and desertion of her children, about the time that the guilty -seducer saw her in the vision. How could his dreams but have been -disturbed, with the load of guilt and remorse that he ought to have had -resting upon his conscience? The "fluttering bird" was the first form that -the wretched mother assumed in his vision, as a bird might flutter about -the prison bars that confined her darling offspring. The more natural form -of the mother finally appeared to the guilty seducer, and to dream that he -heard a voice is no unusual occurrence in the life of any person. The -peculiar words amount to nothing. Lyttleton gave them no serious thoughts, -and it was an accident of bodily position that caused his sudden death. -The whole thing seems to be too flimsy for even a respectable "ghost -story." - - -THE BISHOP SEES A GHOST! - -An amusing as well as instructive ghost story is related by Horace -Walpole, the indolent, luxurious satirist of fashionable and political -contemporaries, whose twenty thousand a year enabled him to live at his -ease, "coquetting haughtily with literature and literary men, at his tasty -Gothic toy-house at Strawberry Hill." - -[Illustration: THE BISHOP'S GHOSTLY VISITOR.] - -He relates that the good old Bishop of Chichester was awakened in his -palace at an early hour in the morning by his chamber door opening, when a -female figure, clothed in white, softly entered the apartment, and quietly -took a seat near him. The prelate, who, with "his household, was a -disbeliever in ghosts" and spirits, said he was not at all frightened, -but, rising in his bed, said, in a tone of authority,-- - -"Who are you?" - -"The presence in the room" made no reply. The bishop repeated the -question,-- - -"Who are you?" - -The ghost only heaved a deep sigh, and, while the bishop rang the bell, to -call his slumbering servant, her ghostship quietly drew some old "papers -from its ghost of a pocket," and commenced reading them to herself. - -After the bishop had kept on ringing for the stupid servant, the form -arose, thrust the papers out of sight, and left as noiselessly and -sedately as she had arrived. - -"Well, what have you seen?" asked the bishop, when the servants were -aroused. - -"Seen, my lord?" - -"Ay, seen! or who--what was the woman who has been here?" - -"Woman, my lord?" - -(It is said one of the fellows smiled, that a woman should have been in -the aged bishop's bed-chamber in the night.) - -When the bishop had related what he had seen, the domestics apprehended -that his lordship had been dreaming, against which the good man protested, -and only told what his eyes had beheld. The story that the bishop had been -visited by a ghost soon got well circulated, which greatly "diverted the -ungodly, at the good prelate's expense, till finally it reached the ears -of the keeper of a mad-house in the diocese, who came and deposed that a -female lunatic had escaped from his custody on that night" (in light -apparel), who, finding the gates and doors of the palace open, had marched -directly to his lordship's chamber. The deponent further stated that the -lunatic was _always reading a bundle of papers_. - -"There are known," says Walpole, "stories of ghosts, solemnly -authenticated, less credible; and I hope you will believe this, attested -by the father of our own church." - - -MUSICAL GHOSTS. - -We occasionally _hear_ of this kind, but seldom, if ever, _see_ them. An -old lady of Adams, Mass., came to the writer in a state bordering on -monomania. She stated that at about _three o'clock_ in the night she would -awake and distinctly hear bells ringing at a distance. She would awake her -husband, and often compel him to arise and listen "till the poor man was -almost out of patience with the annoyance;" not of the bells, for he heard -none, but of being continually "wakened because of her whim," as he -stated. A brief medical treatment for the disease which caused the -vibration of the tympanum dispelled the illusion of bells. - - -THE PIANO-FORTE GHOST. - -A family residing, three years since, but a few miles out of Boston, used -to occasionally, during summer only, hear a note or two of the piano -strike at the dead hour of the night. A Catholic servant girl and an -excellent cook left their situations in consequence of the ghostly music. -In vain the family removed the instrument to another position in the room. -The musical sounds would startle them from their midnight slumbers. - -One thing very remarkable occurred after changing the piano: the sound, -which only transpired occasionally, with no regularity as to time, would -always begin with the high notes, and end with the lower. Finally, the -family--I cannot say why--removed to the city, and the house was sold. The -deed of conveyance did not include the ghost, but he remained with the -premises, nevertheless. The writer has seen him! - -"O, what a pretty cat!" exclaimed a child of the new occupant of the -haunted house, on discovering the domestic animal which the late possessor -had left. - -"Yes; and she looks so very domestic and knowing, she may stay, if no one -comes for her, and you'll have her for a playfellow," replied the mother. - -A few nights after their settlement, the new family were startled by -hearing the piano sound! No particular tune, but it was surely the piano -notes that had been distinctly and repeatedly heard. A search revealed -nothing. The piano was kept closed thereafter, and no further annoyance -occurred, until one night when the company had lingered till nearly -midnight, and the instrument had been left open, the sound again occurred. -The gentleman quickly lighted a lamp, ran down stairs, and closing the -door leading to the connecting room, he found the cat secreted beneath the -piano. The instrument was purposely left open the following night, and a -watch set, when, no sooner was all quiet, than the cat entered, and leaped -upon the piano keys. After touching them a few times with her fore paws, -she jumped down, and hid beneath the instrument. "The cat was out." Only -one thing remained for explanation, viz., why the change of sound occurred -after removing the piano by the first occupants of the house. It occurred -in summer. They removed the piano so that the cat, entering a side window, -usually left a little raised, had necessarily jumped upon the high keys. - -If anybody has got a good ghost, spirit, or witch about his premises, the -writer would like to investigate it. - -The following silly item is just going the rounds of the press:-- - - -"A HAUNTED HOUSE. - -"The first floor of Mrs. Roundy's house, at Lynn, in which the recent -murder occurred, is occupied by an apparently intelligent family bearing -the name of Conway, who assert that they have heard supernatural noises -every night since the tragedy; and they are so sincere in their belief -that they are preparing to vacate in favor of their 'uncanny' visitors." - -There's nothing to it to investigate. - - -A FEW WORDS ABOUT WITCHES. - -My colored boy, Dennis, assures me that an old woman in Norfolk, Va., -having some spite against him, "did something to him that sort o' -bewitched him; got some animal into him, like." The symptoms are those of -_ascarides_, but I could not persuade him to take medicine therefor. - -"'Tain't no use, sir," he replied, solemnly; "I knowed she done it; I -feels it kinder workin' in yer (placing his hand on his stomach); what -med'cine neber'll reach." - -Neither reason nor ridicule will "budge" him. He knows he's bewitched! - -[Illustration: THE MUSICAL PUSS.] - -[Illustration: A DARKEY BEWITCHED.] - - -WITCHES IN THE CREAM. - - Through all the long, long winter's day, - And half the dreary night, - We churned, and yet no butter came: - The cream looked thin and white. - - Next morning, with our hopes renewed, - The task began again; - We churned, and churned, till back and arms - And head did ache with pain. - - The cream rose up, then sulking fell, - Grew thick, and then grew thin; - It splashed and spattered in our eyes, - On clothes, and nose, and chin. - - We churned it fast, and churned it slow, - And stirred it round and round; - Yet all the livelong, weary day, - Was heard the dasher's sound. - - The sun sank in the gloomy west, - The moon rose ghastly pale; - And still we churned, with courage low, - And hopes about to fail,-- - - When in walked Granny Dean, who heard, - With wonder and amaze, - Our troubles, as she crossed herself, - And in the fire did gaze. - - "Lord, help us all!" she quickly said, - And covered up her face; - "Lord, help us all! for, as you live, - There's witches in the place! - - "There's witches here within this churn, - That have possessed the cream. - Go, bring the horse-shoe that I saw - Hang on the cellar-beam." - - The shoe was brought, when, round and round, - She twirled it o'er her head; - "Go, drive the witches from that cream!" - In solemn voice she said;-- - - Then tossed it in the fire, till red - With heat it soon did turn, - And dropped among the witches dread, - That hid within the churn. - - Once more the dasher's sound was heard,-- - Have patience with my rhyme,-- - For, sure enough, the butter came - In twenty minutes' time. - - Some say the temperature was changed - With horse-shoe glowing red; - But when we ask old Granny Dean, - She only shakes her head.--_Hearth and Home._ - - -HORSE-SHOES. - -One would suppose the folly of putting horse-shoes into cream, "fish-skins -into coffee, to settle it," and forcing filthy molasses and water down the -throats of new-born babes, were amongst the follies of the past; but they -are not yet, with many other superstitious, and even cruel and dangerous -notions, done away with. For some prominent instances of this course of -proceedings the reader may consult next chapter. - -Riding through the rural districts of almost any portion of the Union, one -will sometimes find the horse-shoe nailed over the stable, porch, or even -house front door, to keep away the witches. As in Gay's fable of "The Old -Woman and her Cats:"-- - - "Straws laid across my path retard, - The horse-shoes nailed each threshold guard," - -In Aubrey's time, he tells us that "most houses of the west end of London -have the horse-shoe at the threshold." - -The nice little old gentleman who keeps the depot at Boylston Station is a -dry joker, in his way. Over each door of the station he has an old -horse-shoe nailed. - -"What have you got these nailed up over the door for?" a stranger asks. - -[Illustration: BOYLSTON STATION.] - -"To keep away witches. I sleep here nights," solemnly replies the -station-master; and one must be familiar with that ever agreeable face to -detect the sly, enjoyable humor with which he is so often led to repeat -this assertion. - -In numerous towns within more than half of the states,--I state from -personal inquiry,--there are at this day old women, who children, at -least, are taught to believe have the power of bewitching! My first -fright, when a little boy on my way to school, was from being told that an -old woman, whose house we were passing, was a witch. - -These modern witches may not have arrived at the dignity of floating -through the air on a broomstick, or crossing the water in a cockle-shell, -as they were said to in ancient times; but the belief in their existence -at this enlightened period of the world is more disgraceful than in the -darker ages, and the frightening of children and the naturally -superstitious is far more reprehensible. - -There is no such thing as a ghost. There are no witches. - -"The Bible teaches that there were witches," has often been wrongly -asserted. That "choice young man and goodly," whose abilities his doting -parent over-estimated when he sent him out _in search of the three stray -asses_, and whose idleness prompted him to consult the seer Samuel, and by -whose indolence and procrastination the asses got home first, was a very -suitable personage to consult a "_woman of a familiar spirit_" (or any -other woman, save his own wife), from which arose the great modern -misnomer of the "_Witch of Endor_." - -"To the Jewish writers, trained to seek counsel only of Jehovah (not even -from Christ), the 'Woman of Endor' was a dealer with spirits of evil. With -us, who have imbibed truth through a thousand channels made turbid by -prejudice and error, she is become a distorted being, allied to the hags -of a wild and fatal delusion. We confound her with the (fabled) witches of -Macbeth, the victims of Salem, and the modern Moll Pitchers. - -"The Woman of Endor! That is a strange perversion of taste that would -represent her in hideous aspect. To me she seemeth all that is genial and -lovely in womanhood." - -"Hearken thou unto the voice of thine handmaid, and let me set a morsel of -bread before thee, and eat, that thou mayest have strength when thou goest -on thy way." - -Then she made and baked the bread, killed and cooked the meat,--all she -had in the house,--and Saul did eat, and his servants. - -I see nought in this but an exhibition of rare domestic ability and -commendable hospitality; in the previous act (revelation), nothing more -than a manifestation of the power of mind over mind (possibly the power of -God, manifested through her mind?), wherein she divined the object of -Saul's visit, and, through the same channel, surmised who he was that -consulted her. - -[Illustration: WEIGHING A WITCH BY BIBLE STANDARD.] - -Witches are said to be "light weight." But a little above a hundred -years ago, a woman was accused in Wingrove, England, by another, of -"bewitching her spinning-wheel, so it would turn _neither the one way nor -the other_." To this she took oath, and the magistrate, with pomp and -dignity, "followed by a great concourse of people, took the woman to the -parish church, her husband also being present, and having stripped the -accused to her nether garment, put her into the great scales brought for -that purpose, with the Bible in the opposite balance, which was the lawful -test of a witch, when, to the no small astonishment and mortification of -her maligner, she actually outweighed the book, and was honorably -acquitted of the charge!" - -Just imagine the picture. In an enlightened age, a Christian people, in -possession of the Bible, that gives no intimation of such things as -witches, stripping and weighing a female in public, to ascertain if she -really was heavier than a common Bible! - -[Illustration] - - - - -XII. - -MEDICAL SUPERSTITIONS. - - "When cats run home, and light is come, - And dew is cold upon the ground, - And the far-off stream is dumb, - And the whirling sail goes round, - And the whirling sail goes round; - Alone and warming his five wits - The white owl in the belfry sits."--TENNYSON. - - OLD AND NEW.--THE SIGN OF JUPITER.--MODERN IDOLATRY.--ORIGIN OF THE - DAYS OF THE WEEK.--HOW WE PERPETUATE IDOLATRY.--SINGULAR - FACT.--CHRISTMAS FESTIVITIES.--"OLD NICK."--RIDICULOUS - SUPERSTITIONS.--GOLDEN HERB.--HOUSE CRICKETS.--A STOOL WALKS!--THE - BOWING IMAGES AT RHODE ISLAND.--HOUSE SPIDERS.--THE HOUSE - CAT.--SUPERSTITIOUS IDOLATRIES.--WONDERFUL KNOWLEDGE.--NAUGHTY - BOYS.--ERRORS RESPECTING CATS.--SANITARY QUALITIES.--OWLS.--A SCARED - BOY.--HOLY WATER.--UNLUCKY DAYS.--THUNDER AND LIGHTNING.--A KISS. - - -Medicine, above all the other sciences, was founded upon superstition. -Medicine, more than all the other arts, has been practised by -superstitions. Stretching far back through the vista of time to the -remotest antiquity, reaching forward into the more enlightened present, it -has partaken of all that was superstitious in barbarism, in heathenism, in -mythology, and in religion. - -In showing the Alpha I am compelled to reveal the Omega. - -Let us begin with Jupiter. I know that some wise AEsculapian--no -Jupiterite--will turn up his nose at this page, while to-morrow, if he -gets a patient, he will demonstrate what I am saying, and further, help -to perpetuate the ignorant absurdities which originated with the old -mythologists, by placing "[R]"--the ill-drawn sign of Jupiter--before his -recipe. - -[Illustration: THE GOD OF RECIPES.] - -De Paris tells us that the physician of the present day continues to -prefix to his prescriptions the letter "[R]," which is generally supposed -to mean "recipe," but which is, in truth, a relic of the astrological -symbol of Jupiter, formerly used as a species of superstitious invocation, -or to propitiate the king of the gods that the compound might act -favorably. - -There are still in use many other things which present _prima facie_ -evidence of having been introduced when the users placed more faith in -mythological or planetary influence than in any innate virtue of the -article itself. For instance, at a very early period all diseases were -regarded as the effects of certain planetary actions; and not only -diseases, but our lives, fortunes, conduct, and the various qualities that -constitute one's character, were the consequences of certain planetary -control under which we existed. Are there not many who now believe this? - -"In ancient medicine pharmacy was at one period only the application of -the dreams of astrology to the vegetable world. The herb which put an ague -or madness to flight did so by reason of a mystic power imparted to it by -a particular constellation, the outward signs of which quality were to be -found in its color or shape." Red objects had a mysterious influence on -inflammatory diseases, and yellow ones on persons discolored by jaundice. -Corals were introduced as a medicine, also to wear about the neck on the -same principle. - -These notions are not yet obsolete. Certain diseases are still attributed -to the action of the moon. Certain yellow herbs are used for the -jaundice and other diseases. The _hepatica triloba_ (three-lobed) is -recommended for diseases of the lungs as well as liver (as its first name, -_hepatica_, indicates), and some other medicines for other complaints, -without the least regard to their innate qualities. Corals are still worn -for nose-bleed, red articles kept about the bed and apartments of the -small-pox patient, and the red flag hung out at the door of the house, -though few may know why a _red_ flag is so hung, or that it originated in -superstition. - -The announcement of an approaching comet strikes terror to the hearts of -thousands; the invalid has the sash raised that he may avoid first seeing -the new moon through the glass, and the traveller is rejoiced to catch his -first glimpse of the young queen of the night over his right shoulder, -"for there is misfortune in seeing it over the left." - -But we are not yet done with ancient symbols. - -"The stick came down from heaven," says the Egyptian proverb. - -"The physician's cane is a very ancient part of his insignia. It has -nearly gone into disuse; but until very recently no doctor of medicine -would have presumed to pay a visit, or even be seen in public, without -this mystic wand. Long as a footman's stick, smooth, and varnished, with a -heavy gold head, or a cross-bar, it was an instrument with which, down to -the present century, every prudent aspirant to medical practice was -provided. The celebrated gold-headed cane which Radcliffe, Mead, Askew, -Pitcairn, and Baillie successively bore, is preserved in the College of -Physicians, London. It has a cross-bar, almost like a crook, in place of a -knob. The knob in olden times was hollow, and contained a vinaigrette, -which the man of science held to his nose when he approached a sick -person, so that its fumes might protect him from the disease." - -The cane, doubtless, came from the wand or caduceus of Mercurius, and was -a "relic of the conjuring paraphernalia with which the healer, in -ignorant and superstitious times, always worked upon the imagination of -the credulous." The present barber's pole originated with surgeons. The -red stripe represented the arterial blood; the blue, the venous blood; the -white, the bandages. - -The superstitious ancients showed more wisdom in their selections of -names, as well as in emblems, than we do in retaining them. Heathen -worship and mythological signs are mixed and interwoven with all our arts, -sciences, and literature. Our days of the week were named by the old -Saxons, who worshipped idols--the sun, moon, stars, earth, etc., and to -their god's, perpetual honor gave to each day a name from some principal -deity. Thus we are idolaters, daily, though unconsciously. - -I think not one person in a thousand is aware of this fact; therefore I -give a sketch of each. - - -SUNDAY. - -The name of our first day of the week, Sunday, is derived from the Saxon -_Sunna-daeg_, which they named for the sun. It was also called _Sun's-daeg_. - -[Illustration: SUN--Sunday.] - -As the glorious sunlight brought day and warmth, and caused vegetation to -spring forth in its season, warmed the blood, and made the heart of man to -rejoice, they made that dazzling orb the primary object of their worship. -When its absence brought night and darkness, and the storm-clouds -shrouded its face in gloom, or the occasional eclipse suddenly cut off its -shining, which they superstitiously attributed to the wrath of their chief -deity, it then became the object of their supplication. With them, and all -superstitious people, all passions, themes, and worships must be -embodied--must assume form and dimensions, and as they could not gaze upon -the dazzling sun, they personified it in the figure of a man--as being -superior to woman with them--arrayed in a primitive garment, holding in -his hand a flaming wheel. One day was specially devoted to sun worship. - -The modern Sunday is the day, according to historical accounts of the -early Christians, on which Christ rose from the dead. It does not appear -to have been the same day as, or to have superseded, the Jewish Sabbath, -although the Christians early celebrated the day, devoting it to religious -services. With the Christians, labor was suspended on this "first day of -the week," and Constantine, about the year 320, established an edict which -suspended all labor, except agricultural, and forbade also all court -proceedings. In 538 A. D. the third Council of Orleans published a decree -forbidding all labor on Sunday. - -The Sabbath (Hebrew _Shabbath_) of the Jews, meaning a day of rest, -originated as far back as Moses--probably farther. It was merely a day of -rest, which was commanded by Jehovah; and if considered only on -physiological grounds, it evinces the wisdom and economy of God in setting -apart one day in seven to be observed by man as a season of rest and -recuperation. As such it only seems to have been regarded till after the -forty years of exile, when it changed to a day of religious rites and -ceremonies, which is continued till the present day by "that peculiar -people." That particular day, given in the "law of Moses," corresponds--it -is believed by the Jews--to our Saturday. Christ seemed to teach that the -Jewish Sabbath was no more sacred than any other day, and he accused the -Pharisees with hypocrisy in their too formal observance thereof. He -attended their service on the Sabbath, on the seeming principle that he -did other meetings, and as he paid the accustomed tax, because it was best -to adapt one's self to the laws and customs of the country. - -We do not purpose to enter into any theological discussion as to which of -the two days should be observed for rest and religious observances; for -who shall decide? Physiologically considered, it makes no difference. -There should be one day set apart for rest in seven at the most, and all -men should respect it. - -Without a Sabbath (day of rest) we should soon relapse into a state of -barbarism, and also wear out before our allotted time. "In the hurry and -bustle of every-day life and labor, we allow ourselves too little -relaxation, too little scope for moral, social, and religious sentiments; -therefore it is well to set apart times and seasons when all cares and -labors may be laid aside, and communion held with nature and nature's -God." And it were better if we all could agree upon one day for our -Sabbath; and let us call it "Sabbath," and not help to perpetuate any -heathen dogmas and worship by calling God's holy day after the idolatrous -customs of the ancient Saxons. - - -MONDAY. - -The second day of the week the Saxons called _Monandaeg_, or Moon's day; -hence our Monday. - -This day was set apart by that idolatrous people for the worship of their -second god in power. In their business pursuits, as well as devotional -exercises, they devoted themselves to the moon worship. The name -_Monandaeg_ was written at the top of all communications, and remembrance -had to their god in all transactions of the day. Each _monath_ (new moon -or month) religious (?) exercises were celebrated. - -The idol Monandaeg had the semblance of a female, crowned or capped with a -hood-like covering, surmounted by two horns, while a basque and long robe -covered the remainder of her person. In her right hand she held the image -of the moon. - -[Illustration: MOON--Monday.] - -[Illustration: TUISCO--Tuesday.] - - -TUESDAY. - -The third object of their worship was Tuisco--corresponding with German -_Tuisto_--the son of _Terra_ (earth), the deified founder of the -Teutonic race. He seems to have been the deity who presided over combats -and litigations; "hence Tuesday is now, as then, court-day, or the day for -commencing litigations." In some dialects it was called _Dings-dag_, or -Things-day--to plead, attempt, cheapen: hence it is often selected as -market-day, as well as a time for opening assizes. Hence the god _Tuisco_ -was worshipped in the semblance of a venerable sage, with uncovered head, -clothed in skins of fierce animals, touching the earth, while he held in -his right hand a sceptre, the appropriate ensign of his authority. - -Thus originated the name of our third day of the week, and some of its -customs. - -[Illustration: WODEN--Wednesday.] - - -WEDNESDAY. - -This day was named for _Woden_,--the same as _Odin_,--and was sacred to -the divinity of the Northern and Eastern nations. He was the Anglo-Saxons' -god of war, "who came to them from the East in a very mysterious manner, -and enacted more wonderful and brilliant exploits of prowess and valor -than the Greek mythologists ascribed to their powerful god Hercules." As -_Odin_, this deity was said to have been a monarch (in the flesh) of -ancient Germany, Denmark, Scandinavia, etc., and a mighty conqueror. All -those tribes, in going into battle, invoked his aid and blessing upon -their arms. He was idolized as a fierce and powerful man, with helmet, -shield, a drawn sword, a _gyrdan_ about his loins, and feet and legs -protected by sandals and knee-high fastenings of iron, ornamented with a -death's head. - -[Illustration: THOR--Thursday.] - -[Illustration: FRIGA--Friday.] - - -THURSDAY. - -From the deity _Thor_ our Thursday is derived. This Saxon god was the son -of Woden, or Odin, and his wife Friga. He was the god of thunder, the -bravest and most powerful, after his father, of the Danish and Saxon -deities. - -Thor is represented as sitting in majestic grandeur upon a golden throne, -his head surmounted by a golden crown, richly ornamented by a circle in -front, in which were set twelve brilliant stars. In his right hand he -grasped the regal sceptre. - - -FRIDAY. - -The sixth day of the week was named in honor of _Friga_, or Frigga, the -wife of Woden and the mother of Thor. In most ancient times she was the -same as Venus, the goddess of Hertha, or Earth. She was the most revered -of the female divinities of the Danes and Saxons. Friga is represented -draped in a light robe suspended from the shoulder, low neck and bare -arms. She held in her right hand a drawn sword, and a long bow in the -left. Her hair is long and flowing, while a golden band, adorned by -ostrich feathers, encircle her snowy brow. - -There is nothing in the name or attributes to indicate the ill luck which -superstition has attached to the day. - -[Illustration: SEATER--Saturday.] - - -SATURDAY. - -The god _Seater_, for whom the last day of the week is named, is the same -as Saturn, which is from Greek--_Time_. - -He is pictured, unlike Saturn, with long, flowing hair and beard, thin -features, clothed in person with one entire garment to his ankles and -wrists, with his waist girded by a linen scarf. In his right hand he -carries a wheel, to represent rolling time. In his left hand he holds a -pail of fruit and flowers, to indicate young time as well as old. The fish -which is his pedestal represents his power over the abundance of even the -sea. - - -CHRISTMAS FESTIVALS. - -Amongst the very pleasant and harmless customs which have been handed down -to us from the idolatrous rites and superstitions of the ancient Saxons, -Scandinavians, etc., are those connected with our Christmas festivities. -The whole observance and connections form a strange mixture of Christian -and heathen ceremonies, illustrative of the unwillingness with which a -people abandon pagan rites to the adoption of those more consistent with -the spirit of a Christianized and enlightened faith. - -Now, little folks and big, I am not going to ridicule or deny your right -to Christmas and St. Nicholas enjoyments; I will merely hint at their -origin, for your own benefit. The day brings more happiness--and folks--to -the homes and firesides of the people of the _whole world_ than any other -holiday we celebrate.[6] Thanksgiving, you know, is mostly a New England -custom. The 25th of December is just as good as any other day on which to -have a good time. Ancient people used to celebrate the first and sixth -of January. The first three months of the year are named after heathen -gods. - -The _name_ of the day we celebrate is derived from a Christian source: the -rest from pagan. A good feeling was always engendered amongst the most -ancient people at the commencement of the lengthening of days in winter, -and the approach of a new year. The hanging up of the mistletoe, with the -ceremony of gathering it, the kindling of the Yule log, and giving of -presents, we trace to the Druids, who were the priests, doctors, and -judges of the ancient Celts, Gauls, Britons, and Germans. Our modern -stoves and furnaces have shut out the pleasant old log fires, and the -candles only remain. The gifts originated in the giving away of pieces of -the mistletoe by the grizzly old priests. - -Who St. Nicholas was, is only conjectured, _not known_, any more than who -St. Patrick was. It makes no difference where he sprang from; he is a -good, jolly, benevolent fellow, who brings lots of presents, and, with the -little folks, we are bound to defend him. - -It is supposed that the original St. Nicholas lived in Lycia, in Asia -Minor, during the fourth century, and was early adopted as a saint of the -Catholic church, and also by the Russians and ancient Germans, Celts, and -others. - -"He has ever been regarded as a very charitable personage, and as the -particular guardian of children. Great stories are told of his charity and -benevolence. One of these, and that, perhaps, which attaches him to the -peculiar festivities of Christmas, is to the effect that a certain -nobleman had three lovely daughters, but was so reduced to poverty that he -was unable to give them a marriage portion, as was the indispensable -custom, and was about to give them over to a life of shame. St. Nicholas -was aware of this, and determined in a secret way to assist the nobleman. - -"He wended his way towards the nobleman's house, thinking how he could -best do this, when he espied an open window, into which he threw a purse -of gold, which dropped at the nobleman's feet, and he was enabled to give -his daughter a marriage portion. This was repeated upon the second -daughter and the third daughter; but the nobleman, being upon the watch, -detected his generous benefactor, and thus the affair was made public. -From this rose the custom upon St. Nicholas Day, December 6, for parents -and friends to secretly put little presents into the stockings of the -children. Doubtless this custom, so near the festivities of Christmas, -gradually approximated to that day, and become identical with Christmas -festivities throughout the world. St. Nicholas is often represented -bearing three purses, or golden balls, and these form the pawn-broker's -well-known sign, which is traced to this source as its origin--not, we -should judge, from their resemblance to the charity of St. Nicholas, but -emblematic of his lending in time of need." - - -POPULAR NOTIONS AND WHIMS. - -There was a superstition in Scotland against spinning or ploughing on -Christmas; but the Calvinistic clergy, in contempt for all such -superstitions, compelled their wives and daughters to spin, and their -tenants to plough, on that day. - -It is a popular notion to the present time in Devonshire that if the sun -shines bright at noon on Christmas day, there will be a plentiful crop of -apples the following year. - -Bees were thought to sing in their hives on Christmas eve, and it was -believed that bread baked then would never mould. - -So prevalent was the idea that all nature unites in celebrating the great -event of Christ's birth, that it was a well received opinion in some -sections of the old world that the cattle fell on their knees at midnight -on Christmas eve. - - -RIDICULOUS SUPERSTITIONS. - - "Merlin! Merlin! turn again; - Leave the oak-branch where it grew. - Seek no more the cress to gain, - Nor the herb of golden hue." - -Merlin, the reputed great enchanter, flourished in Britain about the fifth -century. He is said to have resided in great pomp at the court of "Good -King Arthur." You all know the beautiful rhyme about the latter, if not -about "Merlin! Merlin!" etc. - - "When good King Arthur ruled the land,-- - He was a goodly king,-- - He stole three pecks of barley-meal - To make a bag pudding." - -Sublime poetry! Easy mode of obtaining the barley-meal (or Scotch -territory). Merlin attached many superstitious beliefs to some of our -medicinal plants. The "cress" is supposed to be the mistletoe. "The herb -of gold"--golden herb--was a rare plant, held in great esteem by the -peasant women of Brittany, who affirmed that it shone like gold at a -distance. It must be gathered by or before daybreak. - -The most ridiculous part of the affair was in the searching for the "herb -of golden hue." None but devout females, blessed by the priests for the -occasion, were permitted the great privilege of gathering it. In order to -be successful in the search, the privileged person started before -daylight, barefooted, bareheaded, and _en chemise_. (Of course the priest -knew the individual, and when she was going.) The root must not be cut or -broken, but pulled up entire. If any one trod upon the plant, he or she -would fall into a trance, when they could understand the language of fowls -and animals--a belief not half as ridiculous as that of the present day, -that a person may fall into a trance, and understand the language of the -dead; yes, dead and decayed, the organs of speech gone! Yet thousands -believe such stuff to-day. - -_The Mandrake._--Great superstition was formerly attached to this root, -and even now is, in some rural districts. The root often resembles the -lower half of a human being, and it was credulously believed it would -shriek and groan when pulled from its mother earth. This notion is -expressed in Romeo and Juliet:-- - - "Mandrakes, torn out of the earth, - That mortals, hearing them, run mad." - -Again, in Henry VI.:-- - - "Would curses kill, as doth the bitter mandrake's groans." - -[Illustration: GATHERING THE MANDRAKE.] - -A favorite mode of uprooting this coveted plant--because of its defensive -properties, when once gained--was to fasten cords to a dog's neck, thence -to the base of the stem of the plant, and sealing their own ears with wax -to prevent hearing the groans, which was death or madness, they whipped -the unfortunate dog till he drew out the roots, or was killed in the -attempt; for the dog usually died then or soon after the cruel beating, -and the shrieks of the mandrake were supposed to have caused his death. - -The Scabious, or "Devil's bit," was regarded with great superstition. "The -old fantastic charmers," said the quaint Gerarde, "say that the Devil bit -away the greater part of this root for envy, because of its many virtues -and benefits to mankind." Dr. James Smith (1799) as quaintly observes, -"The malice of the Devil has unfortunately been so successful, that no -virtue can now be found in the remainder of the root or herb." - -_House Crickets._--The superstition respecting these cheerful and harmless -little _chirpers_ is remarkable. Some consider their presence a lucky -sign, others their absence more fortunate. To kill one, with some persons, -is a sign of death in the house. Very strange! They, blind fools, do not -see that the saying originated in the death of the poor little cricket. - -The following very remarkable occurrence was related to the writer, as -having actually taken place at Providence, R. I., a few years since. Mrs. -D., a respectable lady, residing in the city, was reported to have been -followed about the house and up stairs by a "cricket,"--a wooden one, used -for a foot-stool. People called at her residence to inquire into the truth -of the matter; others even requested to see the remarkable phenomenon of a -cricket or stool walking off on all fours, until the lady became so -annoyed by the continual stream of credulous callers, that she inserted a -notice in the city journals denying the truth of the strange rumor. It was -supposed to have started from some neighbor's seeing or hearing a house -cricket when on a visit at the lady's house. - -_The Bowing Images._--A still more amusing story is related respecting the -two images surmounting the wall each side of the gate at the residence of -Professor Gammel, of Providence. A report became current among the -school-boys of the city, that when the images _heard_ the clock strike -nine in the forenoon they bowed their heads. My informant said it was no -unusual thing to see a dozen boys waiting, with books and slates, in front -of the professor's gate, to see the images bow at nine. Being late at -school, the teacher would inquire,-- - -"Where have you been lingering, that you are behind time at school?" - -[Illustration: "WAITING TO SEE THE IMAGES BOW".] - -"Been down to Professor Gammel's, waitin' to see the images bow." - -Then the teacher drew his ferule or rod, and made them "bow" in submission -to a smart whipping--a sequel anticipated by the older scholars who -instituted the story. - -_House Spiders._--Was there ever a child who was not taught, directly or -indirectly, that house spiders were poisonous,--that their bite was -instantaneous death? Was there ever a greater mistake? Many people have a -superstitious terror of these harmless creatures. The bite of spiders is -only poisonous to those insects which the divine economy seems to have -created for them to destroy. It is possible, as by a fly, sometimes for a -slight skin inflammation, less than a mosquito's bite, to follow the sting -of a spider on a very small child. - -Let me hereby disabuse the public mind of the repugnance or horror with -which these little creatures are regarded. The Creator has evidently -placed them here for the destruction of flies and other insects, which -otherwise would completely overrun us. The fly is such a domestic -creature, that he soon deserts a house where the family is long absent. -The spider then removes also. (I have watched this proceeding, with no -little interest, in the absence of my own family.) Therefore the spider -was created to suppress a superabundance of insect life. When I have -before stated this fact, the listener has been led to inquire why the -flies were then made. We will not answer the suggestion of this "riddle" -as the Irishman did (you know that he said, "To feed the spiders, to be -sure"), but reply, that if this question is to arise in this connection, -we may as well keep on our inquiry till we arrive at the greater riddle, -"Why are _we_ created?"--to which we have no space for reply. - -It is said that manufacturers of quill pens in London, being greatly -annoyed by a species of moth which infests their quills and devours the -feathers, and the common spider being endowed with an inordinate appetite -for those same moths, the penmakers and spiders are on the best of terms, -and an army of these much-maligned and persecuted insects encamp in each -pen factory, and do good service to the cause of literature as well as -trade, by protecting the quills. We may yet find that even mosquitos and -bedbugs have their uses in the wise economy of nature. - -Now, when tidy housewifery requires that brush and broom should ruthlessly -demolish the webs,--the wonderful work and mechanism of the one species of -house spider,--let it be done as a necessity, not with a feeling of -repugnance to the harmless little insect; and let children be taught the -truthful lesson that nothing is made in vain. - -_The House Cat_, with many, is regarded with unaccountable superstition. -It goes with the witch, particularly the black cat. No witch ever could -exist without one. This is usually the species that haunts naughty boys in -their dreams after they have eaten too heartily of cake, and other -indigestible stuff, at evening. - -Cats are as old as time. At least their existence dates back as far as -man's in history, and they were formerly regarded as a sacred animal. - -In ancient Egypt we find that Master Tomas, with his round face and rugged -whiskers, symbolized the sun. Preserved in the British Museum are abundant -proofs of the reverence and superstition with which the feline race was -regarded by the Egyptians. Here several of these revered Grimalkins are -mummied in spices, and perfumes, and balsams, in which they have survived -the unknown centuries of the past, "to contrast the value of a dead cat in -the land of the Pharaohs with the fate of such relics in modern times, -ignominiously consigned to the scavenger's cart, or feloniously hanging -upon a tree, the scarecrow of the orchard." - -Diodorus, the Greek writer, 1st century B. C., informs us that such was -the superstitious veneration with which the Egyptians regarded cats, that -no one could ruffle the fur of Tom or Tabby with impunity, and that any -man killing a cat was put to death. (O, what a country it must have been -to sleep in!) In Ptolemy's time, while the Roman army was established in -Egypt, one of the Romans killed a cat, when the people flew to his house, -and dragged him forth, and neither the fear of the soldiers nor the -influence of the prince could deliver the unfortunate cat-slayer from the -wrath of the infuriated mob. - -Mohammed had a superstition for cats, and was said to have been constantly -attended by one. A cat hospital was founded at Damascus in respect to the -prophet's predilection, which Baumgarten, the German professor (1714 to -1762) found filled with feline inmates. Turkey maintained several public -establishments of this kind. - -Howell the Good, king of Wales, 10th century, legislated for the cat -propagation, and it would seem that the race was limited, since a week old -kitten sold for a penny,--a great deal of money in those days,--and -fourpence for one old enough to catch a mouse. The following ludicrous -penalty was attached to a cat-stealer:-- - -"If any person stole a cat that guarded the prince's granaries he was to -forfeit a milch ewe, fleece, and lamb; or, in lieu of these, as much wheat -as, when poured upon the cat, suspended by the tail, her head touching the -floor, would form a heap high enough to bury her to the tail tip." - -This would seem rather hard on poor pussy, even to threatening her -suffocation. - -Huc, in his "Chinese Empire," tells us that the Chinese peasantry are -accustomed to tell the noon hour from the narrowing and dilation of the -pupils of pussy's eyes; they are said to be drawn down to a hair's-breadth -precisely at twelve o'clock. This horological utility, however, by no -means gives her a fixed tenure in a Chinese home. There she enters into -the category of edible animals, and, having served the purpose of a -cat-clock, is seen hanging side by side with the carcasses of dogs, rats, -and mice in the shambles of every city and town of the celestial empire. - -Descending to the middle ages, a mal-odor of magic taints the fair fame of -our _proteges_, more especially attaching itself to black or brindled -cats, which were commonly found to be the "familiars" of witches; or, -rather, their "familiars" were supposed to take the form of these animals; -and hence, in nearly all judicial records of these unhappy delusionists, -demons in the shape of cats are sure to figure. The witches in "Macbeth" -(for what impression of the times he lived in has Shakspeare lost?) -awaited the triple mewing of the brindled cat to begin their incantations; -and more scientific pretenders to a knowledge of the occult arts are -usually represented as attended in their laboratories by a feline -companion. - -Fragments of a superstitious faith in the magical, or what was till -comparatively recent times so nearly allied with it, the medicinal -attributes of the animal, still surviving in certain rustic and remote -districts of England, where the brains of a cat of the proper color -(black, of course) are esteemed a cure for epilepsy; and where, within our -memory, such a faith induced a wretched being, in the shape of woman, mad -with despair and rage, to tear the living heart from one of these animals, -that, by sticking it full of pins and roasting it, she might bring back -the regard of a man, brutal and perfidious as herself. Such formulae are -frequently to be met with in the works of ancient naturalists and -physicians, and were, doubtlessly, handed down from generation to -generation, and locally acted upon in desperate cases. - -It is on evidence that more than one old woman has been condemned by our -wise ancestors to pay the penalty of her presumed league with Satan in a -fiery death, upon no better testimony than the fact that Harper, -Rutterkin, or Robin had been seen entering her dwelling in the shape of a -black cat. But if, in ancient times, old women, and young ones, too, have -been brought to grief through the cats they fostered, certain it is that -these creatures have suffered horrible reprisal at the hands of certain -vagrants of the sex in our own. - -Our _Felis domestica_ has, for a long time, labored under the serious -disadvantage of a traditional character. Buffon sums her up as a -"faithless friend, brought in to oppose a still more insidious enemy;" and -Goldsmith--who, it is well known, became a writer of natural history "upon -compulsion," and had neither time nor opportunity for personal observation -of the habits and instincts of the creatures he so charmingly -describes--followed in the track of the great naturalist, and echoes this -ungracious definition. - -Boys have a natural contempt for cats, and picking them up by the tail, -tossing them over the wall, or tying old tin pots to their caudal end, to -see how fast they can run, are among their most trifling sports at the -expense of Tom and Tabby. I have known a cruel boy to roll a cat in -turpentine, and set fire to her. Few men have any feeling but repugnance -towards the feline race. The exceptions are in the past. - -Cardinal Wolsey's cat sat on the arm of his chair of state, or took up her -position at the back of his throne when he held audiences; and the cat of -the poet Petrarch, after death, occupied, embalmed, a niche in his studio; -indeed, poets appear to be more susceptible of pussy's virtues and graces -than other persons; and she has, on many occasions, been made the subject -of their verse, the sentiment of which fully expresses a sense of the -maligned animal's faithfulness and affection. - -Tasso, reduced to such a strait of poverty as to be obliged to borrow a -crown from a friend to subsist on through a week, turns for mute sympathy -to his faithful cat, and disburdens his case in a charming sonnet, in -which he entreats her to assist him through the night with the lustre of -her moon-like eyes, having no candles by which he could see to write his -verses. - -[Illustration: SPORT FOR THE BOYS BUT DEATH FOR THE CAT.] - -An editor facetiously says, "We have here among us at this time an -addition to the M. D.'s in the shape of two cat doctors, who have the -terrible idea that they were put upon this earth for the sole object of -doctoring cats, and now the mortality list shows, at the least -calculation, that no less than eighteen cats and two kittens have -travelled to that bourn from which no passengers have ever yet returned, -and all because they were the unlucky sons and daughters of ye night -prowlers who had been sacrificed for the good of the future cat -generation." - - -PRESENT ERRORS. - -I think some reason for the present errors and superstitions attached to -cats, may be attributed to the _cat_-adioptric qualities of their eyes and -fur. At night their eyes often shine with phosphoric light, and rubbing -their fur with the human hand causes it to emit electric sparks, -particularly in very cold weather. They are supposed to partake of -ghostly, or witch-like qualities, because they can see in the night time. -Fish scales, as well as the flesh of fish, contain a phosphoric -principle--there is no witchery about such--which can be seen best through -the dark. The fur of other animals besides the cat contain electric -qualities. Humans possess it to a greater or lesser extent. The eye of the -cat--as also the owl--is made, in the divine economy, expressly for night -prowling. The back, or reflecting coat (retina), is white, or light, that -it may reflect dark objects. In man, and most animals, it is dark. A -light-complexioned person can (_caeteris paribus_) see better at night than -one who is dark. In a strong light, it is reversed. So much for -cat-optrics. - -Our cat-alogue would be incomplete without this cat-agraph, and we should -"cat-ch it," hereafter, from some cat-echist, if we here discontinued our -cat-enary cat-egory, without some little cat-ch relative to the domestic -and redeeming qualities of this unappreciated cat-tle (excuse the -cat-achresis). - -Webster says the cat is a deceitful animal. Webster don't know. She -certainly has large cautiousness and secretiveness. Man, with the same -secretiveness, with the same neglect and abuse that Tom receives, will -become doubly deceitful. Treat him kindly and affectionately, and he will -return it. Subject to everybody's kicks, cuffs, and suspicion, the cat -necessarily becomes shy, ugly, and appears deceitful. So does a child. The -cat is fond of sweet scents, and pries into drawers and cupboards, oftener -to gratify her sense of smell than taste. Cats are very fond of music, and -occasionally go upon the piano keys to make the strings vibrate. Depending -upon their own exertions for a livelihood, they become thieves. They may, -by kind instruction, soon be taught to know and keep their own places. - -The healthy cat is neat and systematic. Children may be taught a useful -lesson by noticing that the tabby washes her face and hands after meals, -and never comes to her repast with them dirty. - -Cats are sometimes good fish-catchers, as well as mousers and -bird-catchers, often plunging into water to secure their favorite aliment. -Their love of praise is exhibited in their general tendency to bring in -their prey, and place it at your feet for your approbation. Give them the -notice due them, and they will redouble their efforts. - -It is a vulgar error to suppose their washing over the head is a sign of -rain, or that you can tell the time of tide by their eye-pupils, or that -they can go through a solid wall, have nine lives, or suck away a child's -breath. - -The cat, as a sanitary means, should be domesticated, especially with -scrofulous children and females. Either by their absorbent or repelling -powers they assist nature in eradicating that almost universal -disease--scrofula. - -Teach children that "God has created nothing in vain," and nothing which -will harm them if rightly used. - -Here we bid good by to Tom and Tabby. - -_The Owl._--The superstition which has hung about this very harmless bird -is liable to soon cease in the extermination of the creature itself. - -"Was you born in the woods to be scared by an owl?" my grandmother once -sarcastically inquired when I was frightened from the barn by an old owl -inquiring,-- - -"Who--a'--yoo?" - -[Illustration: "WHO--A'--YOO?"] - -I acknowledge I was a great coward; but I had heard the old women affirm -more than once that it was a sign of ill luck or death to hear one of -these cat-faced, cat-seeing, mousing creatures cry by day; so I fled from -the barn, while the old owl turned his head sidewise, as he sat on a beam, -trying to penetrate the light, repeating, "Who--a'--yoo?" It was a sign of -death, for my uncle shot the owl. - -Magpies are made the subject of superstition. To see a single one -strutting across your path is a sad mishap. There is luck in three, or -more, however. - -_Holy Water._--Church superstitions and rites are not within our -province, unless they are objectionable in a sanitary point of view. If -the holy water is clean, it is just as good as any other pure water; but I -have seen it poured upon my Irish patients--years ago in Hartford and -elsewhere--when there were "wrigglers" in it from long exposure in an -unstopped bottle or tea-cup. I approve of holy water, therefore, in large -quantities, with other rites, tending to a sanitary object. Have plenty of -water--with soap. - -[Illustration: THE PROPER USE OF "HOLY WATER."] - -_Bells._--Few useful articles have been held in greater reverence and -superstition. Their origin is of great antiquity. The first Jewish priests -adorned their blue tunics with golden bells, as also did the Persian -kings. The Greeks put bells upon criminals going to execution, as a -warning, as it was an ill omen to see a criminal and his executioner -walking. The superstition respecting bells began more particularly with -the tenth century, when the priests exorcised and blessed them, giving -them the names of saints, making the rabble believe that when they were -rung for those ceremonies they had the power to drive devils out of the -air, making them quake and tremble; also to restrain the power of the -devil over a corpse; hence bell-ringing at funerals. - -There are many legends wherein the evil spirits' dislike to bells is -promulgated. - -As "the devil hates holy water," so he does bell-ringing. - -Dr. Warner, a clergyman of the Church of England, in his "Hampshire," -enumerates the virtues of a bell, by translating some lines from the -"Helpe to Discourse." - - "Men's deaths I tell by doleful knell; - Lightning and thunder I break asunder; - On Sabbath all to church I call; - The sleepy head I raise from bed; - The winds so fierce I doe disperse; - Men's cruel rage I do asswage." - -I think the beautiful music discoursed by a chime of bells would be more -effectual "men's cruel rage" to tranquillize, than a battery of seven -cannons. Aside from all superstitious notions, there is an irresistible -charm about the music of bells, and I rejoice that they are gradually -being redeemed from the superstition and monopoly of one ignorant -denomination, as the sacred cross may be, to the use and blessing of all -mankind. - -_Fear of Thunder and Lightning._--These have ever been sources of -superstitious terror. The ancients considered thunder and lightning as -direct manifestations of divine wrath; hence whatever the lightning struck -was accursed. The corpses of persons so killed were allowed to remain -where they fell, to the great inconvenience, often, of the living. - -The electricity which plays about high poles and spires was formerly -attributed to spirits. "Fiery spirits or devils," says old Burton, "are -such as commonly work by blazing stars, fire-drakes," etc. "Likewise they -counterfeit suns and moons ofttimes, and sit on ships' masts." The -electric sparks upon the metal points of soldiers' spears were regarded as -omens of no small importance. - -In some parts of Europe, up to the last century, it was a custom to ring -bells during a thunder-storm, to drive away evil spirits; but this act -often was the cause of death, by the exposure of persons to the points of -attraction, and the conducting power of moist ropes and metallic wires. On -the night of April 15, 1718, the lightning struck twenty-four steeples -while the bells were ringing. In July of the following year, while the -bells were tolling at a funeral celebration in the Chateau Vieux, -lightning struck the steeple, killing nine persons and injuring -twenty-two. Statistics show that numerous deaths were caused by -bell-ringing in England and France, during the last century, to drive away -imaginary spirits. - -The saint usually invoked on these occasions was St. Barnabas. - -The houseleek and bay tree were supposed to afford protection from -lightning. - -"The thunder has soured the beer," or the milk, is a common saying; and I -once saw a piece of iron lying across the beer-barrel to keep away -thunder. A heavy atmosphere may suddenly sour beer or milk. - -Creeping three times under the communion table while the chimes were -striking, at midnight, was believed to cure fits, as late as 1835. - -Glass, stone, and feathers are non-conductors to electricity. Persons very -susceptible to electric currents need give themselves no fear, and no more -caution need be taken than we take to protect ourselves against other -objects of danger. Lightning will not strike one out of doors, unless he -is near a point of high attraction,--under a tree, or pole,--or has about -him, exposed, some metallic substance, or some very wet article. Houses -under or near tall trees, or with suitable lightning-rods, are safe -enough. A feather bed, particularly one insulated by glass-rollers, or -plates, under the posts, and not touching the wall, is a perfectly safe -place for invalids and nervous people who are susceptible to electricity. -The pulse of such is often increased in frequency before a thunder-storm. -Let such first have no fear. See God in the storm and lightning as only a -saving power. I know a girl who "tears around like mad" for a man at the -approach of a thunder-storm. When finding one, she feels perfectly safe. -If not, she hides in the cellar till the storm abates. - -_Unlucky Days._--The superstition respecting unlucky Friday is well known. -Some cynical bachelors say it is unlucky because named for a woman. Monday -was also so named. I can find no account of this superstition until after -the first century A. D. It is said that our Saviour was crucified on -Friday--a day of fear and trembling, of earthquakes and divers remarkable -phenomena; but that day is now as uncertain as the day of his birth, in -the various changes of the calendar, heathen naming of the days to suit -their notions, and the great uncertainty of chronology. No doubt Christ -arose from the dead on the then first day of the week, and was crucified -the third day before the resurrection; but what day of our present week -who can tell? If on Friday, it should be counted far from an unlucky day. -Sailors are particularly superstitious as to sailing on Friday, -notwithstanding Columbus sailed on Friday, and discovered America on that -day. - -The French believe in unlucky Friday. Lord Byron, Dr. Johnson, and other -authors and poets, are said to have so believed. Shakspeare, Scott, -Goldsmith, Bacon, Sir Francis Drake, Napoleon, and many other great men, -were pretty thoroughly tinged with superstition; the latter, it is said, -believed in "luck," or destiny. - -The future of children is yet believed to depend much upon the day of the -week on which they are born. - - "Monday's child is fair in face; - Tuesday's child is full of grace; - Wednesday's child is full of woe; - Thursday's child has far to go; - Friday's child works hard for its living; - Saturday's child is loving and giving; - And a child that's born on Christmas day - Is fair, and wise, and good, and gay."[7] - -This, of course, is all nonsense--or rather the belief in such signs--and -one day is equally as good as another for nature's work, or in which to -fulfil the requirements of God and nature. Let no mother, or her who is -about to become a mother, put faith in old nurses' whims. Their brains are -full of all such fantastic notions, which are too often revealed in the -sick room, and the effect is often detrimental to the peace and happiness -of the mother, and at times dangerous to the life of the invalid. - - -SUPERSTITION OF A KISS. - -The monks of the middle ages--great theorists--divided the kiss into -fifteen distinct and separate orders. - -1. The decorous or modest kiss. - -2. The diplomatic, or kiss of policy. - -3. The spying kiss, to ascertain if a woman had drank wine. - -4. The slave kiss. - -5. The kiss infamous--a church penance. - -6. The slipper kiss, practised towards tyrants. - -7. The judicial kiss. - -8. The feudal kiss. - -9. The religious kiss (kissing the cross). - -10. The academical kiss (on joining a solemn brotherhood). - -11. The hand kiss. - -12. The Judas kiss. - -13. The medical kiss--for the purpose of healing some sickness. - -14. The kiss of etiquette. - -15. The kiss of love--the only real kiss. But this was also to be -variously considered; viz., given by ardent enthusiasm, as by lovers; by -matrimonial affection; or, lastly, between two men--an awful kiss, tasting -like sandwiches without butter or meat. - -[Illustration: THE MODEST KISS.] - - -THE END IS NOT YET. - -The reign of superstition is not yet ended. - -It is impossible for any great catastrophe, involving loss of property or -life, to occur without a certain superstitious class harping upon the -event as a judgment of God upon the wickedness of the victims. If a great -city is swept away by the devouring elements, we hear the cry that "an -offended Deity has visited the 'Babylon of the West' with his vengeance -for her wickedness." Some penurious wretch takes it up, and says, "I'll -give nothing, then, to the victims of the fire. It is God's judgment; I -won't interfere." A rich man is murdered in cold blood, and the same howl -goes up, "It is the judgment of God upon him for heaping up riches." The -fact of his riches going to thousands of poor artisans, actors, musicians, -widows, orphans, and "western Babylonian sufferers," goes for nothing with -such people. These same superstitious wretches have not yet done -asserting that the assassination of President Lincoln was in judgment for -his attending a theatre. - -Twenty-five persons were killed in a church at Bologna, recently, while -kneeling in prayer. Was this an expression of God's wrath upon -church-goers? - -"The laws by which God governs the universe are inexorable. The frost will -blight, the fire destroy, the storms will ravage, disease and death will -do their appointed work, though narrow-mindedness and bigotry misconstrue -their intent. All things are for good. If natural laws are violated, the -known and inevitable result follows." - - * * * * * - -I have already exceeded the space to which this chapter was limited, and -there are a thousand superstitious beliefs and practices which are not -herein enumerated nor explained. But rest assured that nothing exists -without its uses, without the knowledge of the divine Author, and nothing -supernatural does or ever did exist amongst natural beings. There is -nothing within this world but what God has placed for man's good. There is -nothing here past man's ability to fathom. God is love. - -What there is beyond this world, we shall find out quite soon enough. - -[Illustration] - - - - -XIII. - -TRAVELLING DOCTORS. - - "His fancy lay to travelling."--L'ESTRANGE. - - PUBLIC CONFIDENCE(?).--THE EYE OF THE PUBLIC.--A BAD - SPECIMEN.--"REMARKABLE TUMOR."--"THE SINGING DOCTOR."--CAUGHT IN A - STORM.--BIG PUFFING.--A SPLENDID "TURNOUT."--WHO WAS HE?--A SUDDEN - DISAPPEARANCE.--THE "SPANKING DOCTOR."--A FAIR VICTIM.--LOOSE - LAWS.--DR. PULSEFEEL.--IMPUDENCE.--A FIDDLING DOCTOR.--AN - ENCORE.--"CHEEK."--VARIOUS WAYS OF ADVERTISING. - - -One might say, with some propriety, that these characters--travelling -doctors--should have been classed under the heading of our first chapter, -as "humbugs;" but if we should put all under that head that belong there, -O, where would the chapter end? As "all is not gold that glitters," so -neither, on the other hand, is there anything so bad that no virtue can be -found in it. No heart is so utterly depraved as to prevent any good -thought or deed from emanating therefrom, though sometimes the good is -quite imperceptible to us short-sighted mortals. - -As the majority of physicians "turned" out of our medical colleges, or of -those in practice in our cities, are unfit to have intrusted to their care -the health and lives of our families, friends, or ourselves, so the -majority of travelling doctors are to be reckoned equally untrustworthy; -no more so. - -If the blessed Saviour should return to earth, and travel from town to -city, as he did eighteen hundred years ago, healing the sick, I really -think there would be a less number believing in him now than then. Less -gratitude for his marvellous cures there could not be; for then some of -the miserable wretches, whom he healed free of charge, did not so much as -return him thanks. This may be said of some of our patients at this day. - -Let a medical man of ever so great reputation travel, and he is lost. A -band of angels, on a healing mission, would stand no chance with a people -who only expect humbugs to visit them. The Shakspearian inquiry would at -once and repeatedly be put,-- - -"How chance it they travel? Their _residence_, both in reputation and -profit, was better both ways!" - -Let us view a few travelling doctors through the _public_ eye:-- - - "So shall I dare to give him shape and hue, - And bring his mazy-running tricks to view; - From humbug's minions catch the scattered rays, - That in one focus they may brightly blaze. - - "I'd give our (nameless) knight, before he starts, - A tireless mind, where never Conscience smarts; - An oily tongue, which word should never speak - To call a blush to Satan's brazen cheek; - With, yet, a power of lungs the weak to move, - Which lung-quiescent ... might approve; - A changing face, which e'en might Homer feign, - A ton of brass for every ounce of brain. - - "Then launch him forth, right cunningly to rage - Through the thin shams of this enlightened age; - To tell the people they are lords of earth, - And pick their pockets while he lauds their worth; - Drug men with folly, which no clime engrosses, - And sense deal out in homeopathic doses; - And making goodness to his projects bend, - With all right aims an ultra spirit blend. - - * * * * * - - "He leagues with those who number in their trade - A falsehood told for every sixpence made; - To Mammon mortgage all they have of heart, - To keep their wealth, with priceless honor part. - The fear of God the smallest of their fears, - Rolling in wealth, but bankrupt in ideas; - To save their purse, their souls contented lose, - And count all right, if worldly gain accrues; - Who, when they die, no memory leave behind, - But in the curses of their cheated kind! - - "With these Sir Humbug riches seeks to gain, - And feels his way through lab'rinths of chicane; - Embezzles, swindles, lies, until at last - The eye of Justice on his crime is cast, - When, drugged with wealth, he quits our plundered shore, - And Texas boasts one fiery hero more." - -[Illustration: THE TUMOR DOCTOR CONTEMPLATES SUICIDE.] - -[Illustration: MARIAM, THE TUMOR DOCTOR.] - -The worst specimen of a travelling doctor I ever knew first appeared at -R., one of the principal towns of Vermont, a few years ago. His name was -Mariam; or that was what he called himself. He was a Canadian by birth, -about twenty-five years of age, short, dark-complexioned, and claimed to -be the seventh son of somebody. He was very illiterate, not being able to -write a prescription, or his name, for that matter, when he came to R. - -I visited his rooms at the hotel, after he had been in town some weeks, -and noticed, among other things, that his table was strewn with sheets of -paper, upon which he had been practising writing his signature. He opened -here boldly. He sent out thousands of circulars in the various trains of -cars running from R., distributing them in person, on the Poor Richard's -principle, that "if you want your work done, do it; if not, send." He -inserted cards in the two village papers, containing the most illiterate -and preposterous statements, and hundreds flocked to see him. Imagine his -knowledge, for he assured me, to whom he opened his heart in confidence, -that he never read a page of a medical work in his life. - -He first claimed to cure by the laying on of hands; but as he possessed no -magnetic powers, he gradually abandoned that deception. As he could not -write a prescription, and knew nothing of compounding medicines, he would -go with a patient to a druggist's, and looking over the names of drugs on -the bottles exposed on the shelves, order two or three articles at random, -and, as one druggist assured me, of the most opposite properties; such as -tincture of iron and iodide of potash, etc. (NOTE. The acid in the M. -Tinct. iron sets the iodine free.) - -His clothes were very seedy, "and the crown of his hat went flip flap," -and his toes were healthy, "being able to get out to the air," when he -came to R. Soon he was "in luck," and a nice suit of clothes, a new silk -hat, and boots, speedily graced his not inelegant person. I saw him both -before and after the transformation. - -The following is a true copy of one of his certificates, taken from his -circular:-- - - "A GREAT CURE OF AN OVARIAN TUMOR! - - "This is to certify that Dr. Mariam cured me of an immense _ovarian - tumor of the left shoulder_, weighing five pounds and a half, from - which I suffered," etc., etc. - - (Signed) Mrs. ---- ----. - - "MALONE, N. Y." - -On this item being ridiculed in the papers of R., Mariam changed it to a -"rose cancer," and continued the certificate. - -Mariam had been practising in Malone, N. Y., also at Whitehall, where, I -was informed by a newspaper man, he was arrested for obtaining money -under false pretences. He, however, escaped and fled, to practise his -deceptions elsewhere. It was reported that he shuffled off his mortal coil -by finally taking two ounces of laudanum, after the civil authorities had -placed him comfortably in the county jail, where he had the pleasure of -passing many days in viewing the world through an iron-barred window, and -reflecting on his eventful career. - - -THE SINGING DOCTOR. - -In remarkable contrast with the above described ignoramus, we present the -following description, from two contributors, of an extraordinary -personage, known for a time as "The Singing Doctor." - -The "Hoosac Valley News" tells this story:-- - -"One day late in the autumn of 1860, while the rain poured in torrents, -and the wind howled fearfully along the hills of old Plymouth, I was -obliged to drive to Watertown. The 'Branch' was swollen to the river's -size, and foamed madly down over the sombre rocks, while above my head, on -the other side of the road, the trees rocked and swayed, as though about -to fall into the seething, roaring waters below. - -"Above, or mingled with the clashing of the elements, I heard some voice, -as if singing. It struck me with wonder. I stopped to listen. It became -more distinct, as if approaching. What was it? Who could it be, singing -amid the fearful tempest? - -"In the midst of my surmising, the object of my wonder came in sight, -around a turn in the road just ahead of me. - -"It was the Singing Doctor, whom I instantly recognized by his little old -white horse, as well as by his own voice, to which I had before listened. -The little animal was drenched like a 'drowned rat.' The doctor, in his -open buggy, with no umbrella,--for the sweeping wind precluded the -possibility of holding one,--and the driving rain pelting mercilessly -upon his face and head, was singing. - -"'You must be a happy man,' I exclaimed, 'to be singing amid this awful -storm.' - -"'Why not?' he replied. 'It is always better to be singing than sighing;' -and we passed on through the dangerous defile, and separated.... - -"Last summer, as I journeyed through the Green Mountain State on a -pleasure excursion, I met, on a romantic mountain pass, a magnificent -turnout,--a splendid top carriage, drawn by four beautiful, jet black -Morgan mares,--which did not attract my attention so much, however, as the -music within the carriage. It was the Singing Doctor again, with his two -little daughters, singing. - -"The handsome and good-natured driver offered me the best half of the -road; but still I lingered till the last notes of the song died away, when -I drove past the 'Sanatorian,' wondering to myself what singing had to do -with his increasing prosperity." - -The remainder of the sketch is from the pen of a lady in Vermont:-- - -"I think it was during the spring of 1867 that our little 'city on the -lake' was visited by the above remarkable character. We are often visited -by migratory physicians, who are usually of the 'come-and-go' order; but -this one burst upon us like a comet, with dazzling splendor, briefly -announced, but at once proclaimed his determination of returning with the -regularity of the full moon--repeating his visits every month. Few -believed his last arrangement could be carried out, as his predecessors -had generally fleeced the invalid public to their utmost at one visit, and -if they ever again appeared, it would be under another name and phase. It -soon became evident that one visit could not repay the outlay, for no -ready posting-board was large enough to hold the agent's posters, which -were printed in strips some twenty-five feet in length, and his -advertisements occupied one, two, or more columns of the public journals, -while he flooded the houses with his pictorial circulars. - -[Illustration: THE SINGING DOCTOR.] - -"He was merely announced as 'The Sanatorian,' but was indorsed (true or -false?) by some of New England's most respectable people. He came in grand -style, as the papers briefly announced, thus:-- - -"'_The Sanatorian._ This distinguished physician proposes visiting us on -the 18th inst.... The doctor comes in great style.... He has the finest -carriage, and the gayest four black Morgan horses we have ever had the -pleasure of riding after.' - -[Illustration: THE SANATORIAN'S TURNOUT.] - -"The driver, a handsome fellow, with full brown whiskers, curling hair, -and a 'heavenly blue eye,' had taken the editor and writer of this last -paragraph out to an airing. The team was photographed by the artists, and -many of the best citizens had the pleasure of a ride in the easy carriage, -and behind the swift ponies. - -"The doctor usually remained _incog._ to the public. If they wished to see -him, they must go to his 'parlors' at the best hotels. They did go. And -now the most remarkable part of the affair remains to be recorded. An -editor who interviewed him reports thus: 'The doctor rocks in a -rocking-chair,--in fact, never sits in anything else,--or arises and walks -the floor, and instantly, _at a glance_, tells every patient each pain and -ache better than the patient could describe them himself. 'Are you a -clairvoyant?' the editor asked. - -"'_Faugh! No, sir._ Clairvoyancy is a humbug; merely power of mind over -mind. A clairvoyant can go no farther than your _own_ knowledge leads him, -unless he guesses the rest,' was his emphatic reply. - -"The same patients, disguised, visited him twice, but he would tell the -same story to them as before. His diagnosis was truly wonderful. - -"'What is your mode of treatment, or what school do you represent?' - -"'There hangs my "school,"' he would reply, pointing to a New York college -diploma. 'That, however, cures nobody. What cures one patient kills -another. My opathy is to cure my patient by _any means_, regardless of -"schools."' - -"To some he gave 'nothing but water,' the patients affirmed; to others, -pills, powders, syrups, or prescriptions. Well, he came the next month, to -our surprise, and to the joy of most of his patients. He did the greatest -amount of advertising on the first visit, doing less and less puffing each -time. The rich, as well as the poor, visited him. He charged all one -dollar. Then, if they declined treatment, he was satisfied; but if they -doubted, or were sceptical, he refused all prescription. He advertised -quite as much by telling one man he was past all help, and would die in -eight weeks, which he did, as by curing the mayor of the city of a cough -that jeoparded his life. If a poor woman had no money, he treated her just -as cheerfully. Men he would not. His cures are said to have been -remarkable. He made some eleven visits, and his patrons increased at each -visit; but the novelty wore off before he disappeared. He was said to be -an excellent musician, an author and composer, a man who was well read (a -physician here who often conversed with him so informed the writer), could -translate Latin and French, and converse with the mutes. When the day -closed, he would see no more patients, but devoted his time to friends, to -writing, or to music. Often the hotel parlor would be thronged at evening -with the musical portion of the community. In personal appearance he was -nothing remarkable,--medium size, wore full beard, had a sharp black eye, -a quick, nervous movement, and his voice was not unpleasing to the ear. - -"Why he--such a man--should travel, no one knew. He had an object, -doubtless, to accomplish, realized it, and retired upon his true name, and -from whence he came." - - -"YOURAN, THE SPANKER." - -The writer has many times seen a fellow who travelled the country, -nicknamed "the Spanker." He was a tall, lean, lank-looking Yankee, with -red hair and whiskers, a light gray eye, and claimed to cure all diseases -by "spatting" the patient, or the diseased part thereof, with cold water -on his bare palm, the use of a battery, and a pill. He had served as -door-keeper to a famous doctor, who created a _furore_, a few years since, -by the exercise of his magnetic powers, making cripples to throw down -their crutches, and walk off; the deaf to hear, the blind to see; or, at -least, many of them _thought_ they did, for the time being, which answered -the doctor's immediate purpose. But one fine morning the magnetic doctor -found his door-keeper was among the "missing." He had learned the trade, -and set up on his own account. - -This fellow was as ignorant of physic as Jack Reynolds was of Scripture. -Reynolds, who killed Townsend in 1870, when under sentence of death, -listened attentively for the first time to the story of the Saviour's -crucifixion in atonement for our sins, when he rather startled the -visitors, as well as the eminent divine, with the inquiry, "Did that -affair happen lately?" - -He was not, it is evident, conversant with Scripture. "The Spanker" was -not read in medicine. His treatment was the most ridiculous and repulsive -of the absurdities of the nineteenth century. The patient was stripped of -his clothes, and often so severely spanked as to compel him, or her, to -cry out with pain. - -[Illustration: A NEW SCHOOL OF PRACTICE.] - -The beautiful young wife of the Rev. Mr. F., of Vermont, was brought to -the writer for medical advice. The patient was carefully examined, and the -minister taken aside, and assured that the lady was past all help; she was -in the last stages of consumption; that she would, in all probability, die -with the falling of the autumn leaves, or within two months. - -The following day the minister carried the patient to the spanker doctor, -who declared her case quite curable. The minister employed him to treat -the patient. - -A few weeks later I saw the minister, seated on the doorstep of his -house, bowed in grief. He was on the lookout for me, as I was expected -that way. He called to me, and asked if I would view the corpse of his -once beautiful wife. I dismounted, and entered the house of mourning. -There lay the poor, fair young face, within the narrow confines of the -coffin. The cheeks were hollow, the eyes sunken, and the nostrils closed, -and I doubt if any air had passed through the left one for -weeks--pathognomonic indications of that fell disease, consumption. - -"She did not live as long, doctor, as you thought she would, in August," -said Mr. F. - -"No, sir: I did not then make allowance for the harsh treatment of Dr. -----, that, I am advised, soon followed." - -[Illustration: A VICTIM OF THE SPANKER.] - -"O, sir," he exclaimed, in agony of soul, while the tears coursed freely -down his cheeks, and fell upon the coffin,--"O, sir, God only knows what -the poor thing suffered. Dr. Youran said the spatting and cold water -treatment would save her, and I was anxious to try it, and did, till the -poor, dear soul begged us, with tearful eyes, not to punish her further, -but to let her die in peace." - -The ignorant scoundrel is still at large, preying upon the invalid public. -It is a burning shame that the laxity of our laws permits such ignorant, -heartless wretches to go about the country, imposing upon the credulity of -invalidity. - -The invalids, as we said in our opening, expect to be humbugged, and will -believe no honest statement of a case and its probabilities, but will too -often swallow the lies and braggadocio, and finally the prescriptions, of -ignorant charlatans and impostors. - -[Illustration: DR. PULSFEEL LEAVING TOWN.] - -Mr. Jeaffreson, in the "Book about Doctors," before often quoted, says of -the English travelling doctor of the last century,-- - -"When Dr. Pulsfeel was tired of London, or felt the want of country air, -he adopted the pleasant occupation of fleecing rustic simplicity. For his -journeys he provided himself with a stout and fast-trotting hack--stout, -that it might bear weighty parcels of medical composition; fast, that in -case the ungrateful rabble should commit the indecorum of stoning their -benefactor as an impostor,--a mishap that would occasionally -occur,--escape might be effected. - -"In his circuit the doctor took in all the fairs, markets, wakes, and -public festivals, not disdaining to stop an entire week, or even month, at -an assize town, where he found the sick anxious to benefit by his -marvellous wisdom. - -"His manner of making himself known in a new place was to ride boldly into -the thickest crowd of a town, and inform his listeners that he had come -straight from the Duke of So-and-so, or the Emperor of Wallachia, out of -an innate desire to do good to his fellow-creatures. He was born in that -very town. He had left it when an orphan boy, to seek his fortune in the -great world. His adventures had been wonderful. He had visited the Sultan -and the Great Mogul; and the King of Mesopotamia had tried to persuade him -to tarry and keep the Mesopotamians out of the devil's clutches by the -offer of a thousand pieces of gold a month. He had cured thousands of -emperors, kings, queens, princes, grand duchesses, and generalissimos. He -sold all kinds of medicaments--dyes for the hair, washes for the -complexion, lotions, rings, and love charms, powders to stay the palsy, -fevers, croup, and jaundice. His powder was expensive; he couldn't help -that; it was made of pearl-dust and dried violet leaves from the middle of -Tartary. Still, he would sell his friends a package at bare cost,--one -crown,--as he did not want to make money out of them. - -"Nothing could surpass the impudence of the fellow's lies, save the -admiration with which his credulous auditors swallowed his assertions. -There they stood--stout yeomen, drunken squires, gay peasant girls, gawky -hinds and gabbling crones, deeming themselves in luck to have lived to -behold such a miracle of wisdom. Possibly a young student, home from -Oxford, with the rashness of inexperience, would smile scornfully, and cry -out, 'Quack!' (quack-salver, from the article he used to cure wens); but -such interruption was usually frowned down by the orthodox friends of the -student, and he was warned that he would come to no good end, if he went -on as he had begun, a contemptuous unbeliever, and a mocker of wise men." - - -A MUSICAL DOCTOR. - -Mr. Dayton, vocalist, told me of a fellow who cut a swell in various -capacities a few years ago. He first knew him as a fiddler at fairs. The -next time he turned up was under the following circumstances:-- - -"With Madam L. and some other renowned vocalist, he was giving concerts, -when one day their pianist was taken suddenly sick. Madam was in great -trepidation. - -[Illustration: THE MUSICAL DOCTOR.] - -"'What shall I do? The concert cannot be postponed, and we cannot sing -unless we have an accompaniment,' exclaimed the lady. - -"I looked about, made some inquiry,--it was in a small town,--but no -competent piano player could be found. - -"'We must abandon the concert,' I said, which seemed inevitable, when -there came a sharp knock at the door. - -"'Come in,' I called. - -"The door opened, and instead of a servant, as I had expected, there -appeared a tall, stout specimen of the _genus homo_, with large black -eyes, and long, dark hair flowing down on to his shoulders, making his -best bow, and what he doubtless intended as his sweetest smile. - -"I offered him a chair, and inquired how I could serve him. - -"'You want a piano player?' - -"'Yes.' - -"'Well, I will undertake to assist you in your strait. Allow me to see -your programme,' he continued, very patronizingly, waiting for us to make -no reply whatever. - -"'Are you--that is, do you play rapidly, and at sight?' asked madam. - -"He replied only by a gesture, a sort of pitiful contempt for the -ignorance of any person who should ask _him_ such a question.... - -"Half past seven came, and we went on the stage. I do not know what the -fellow's prelude was; I was otherwise engaged; but his accompaniments were -made up, and after he had heard the note sung to which he should have -accompanied,--O, it was a horrid jargon, a consecutive blast of discords, -a tempest of incomprehensibleness. - -[Illustration: ENTHUSIASM.] - -"Madam caught her breath at the first pausing-place, and signalled him to -stop. He took a side glance at her, misinterpreted her, and played on the -louder. It became ludicrous in the extreme. He played the minor strains, -or what should have been minor, in the major key. He only stopped when he -saw us leave the stage. The audience cheered. He took it all as a -compliment to himself as a pianist, stopped, and made his most profound -obeisance to the house. They laughed and cheered the harder. He mistook it -for an _encore_, bowed again, and returned to the piano. Then the house -came down. They stamped, they laughed, they shouted. The boys in the -gallery cat-called; the building fairly shook. I ran back to see what it -was all about, and there was the pianist (?) beating furiously at the -keys, the perspiration pouring in streams from his face. But his playing -could only be _seen_ to be appreciated; it could not be heard for the -stamping of the audience. He finally desisted, and with repeated halts and -smiles, he bowed himself off the stage. - -"His grand _debut_ and retirement upon the stage occurred the same night. -Madam would not permit him to go on again, and we sang the duets from ----- without accompaniment. I think the fellow knew nothing of music; he -had 'cheeked' it right through. - -"Perhaps it was two years afterwards--I was staying at the B. Hotel, -Maine--when I heard a deal of talk about a great doctor then in town. -After dinner the first day, I noticed a man sauntering leisurely from the -dining-hall in embroidered slippers, white silk stockings, black pants, -gaudy dressing-gown, with long hair falling down over his shoulders. I -thought I recognized that face. I approached him after a while, and called -him by name. - -"'What? Why, I think you are mistaken. I do not know you, sir,' he -stammered; and then I knew he had recognized me. - -"'O, yes; I am Dayton. You remember you were our pianist once in a strait, -in S.' - -"'O, ah! Come up to my room,' he said, leading the way. - -"I followed, when he told me he was doing a good thing at the practice of -medicine about the principal towns of the state, and begged I would say -nothing about his former occupation. He stated to me that he had been to -Europe, and had been studying medicine meantime, which I have since -ascertained was entirely untrue." - -And this was the fellow over whom the town was running wild. - -The idea of some men trying to become good physicians is as ridiculously -absurd as Horace Greeley's farming, or trying to ascertain if "cundurango -is explosive." The requisite qualities are not in them. They may keep -along a few years, or possibly, in communities where there is no -competition, succeed in making the people believe they are as good as the -common run, and thus succeed on brass instead of brains. - -Some of these brainless travelling impostors employ a female or two to -precede them from place to place, and make diligent inquiry when the great -doctor who performed such marvellous cures in some adjoining town -mentioned was coming there. Thus putting it in the shape of an inquiry, it -was less likely to excite suspicion. - -Two females--one an elderly, lady-like looking woman, the other younger, -and anything but lady-like--travelled for a doctor, on a salary, during -the summer and autumn of 1868. A lady whose occupation took her from town -to town, seeing the two females at various hotels where the doctor was -advertised, inveigled the younger one into the confession, in her bad -temper, and thus I got my evidence. Another travels on his hair; another -on his face; and a fourth on his free advice and treatment; while a fifth -succeeds by absurdity of dress. - -[Illustration] - - - - -XIV. - -SCENES FROM EVERY-DAY PRACTICE. - - "History, so warm on meaner themes, - Is cold on this."--COWPER'S TASK. - - "Let no one say that his task is o'er, - That bonds of earth are for him no more, - Until by some kind or holy deed - His name from forgetfulness is freed; - Until by words from his lips or pen, - Dying, he's 'missed' from the ranks of men." - ALICE LEE. - - THE BEGGAR BOY AND THE GOLDEN-HAIRED HEIRESS.--MY MIDNIGHT CALL.--THE - CONSCIENCE-STRICKEN MOTHER.--"OLD SEROSITY."--THE ILLEGITIMATE - CHILD.--DEATH OF THE BEAUTIFUL.--WHO IS THE HEIR?--A TOUCHING - SCENE.--FATE OF THE "BEGGAR BOY."--THE TERRIBLE CALLER.--AN IRISH - SCENE, FROM DR. DIXON'S BOOK.--BIDDY ON A RAMPAGE.--TERRY ON HIS DEATH - BED.--THE STOMACH PUMP.--BIDDY WON'T, AND SHE WILL.--THE BETRAYED AND - HER BETRAYER.--"IS THERE A GOD IN ISRAEL?"--THE HUSBANDLESS - MOTHER.--THE CRISIS AND COURT.--ANSWER.--THERE IS A "GOD IN ISRAEL." - - -Ill-clad poverty, benumbed with cold, was abroad alone, exposed to that -winter's night, as the white snow fleeced the frost-hardened ground. But -never mind earth's cold bosom. The rich man's heart warms _him_, making -him merry, however blows the wind or rages the storm. Shiver, shiver on, -beggar poor! Starvation and sense-dulling cold alone belong to you. - -Through the crunching snow-drifts trudged a weary boy, with alms-basket on -his shivering arm. From his figure, he seemed not over ten years old; but -his face was so wan and melancholy, that it was difficult to tell how -many year-blights the beggar child had experienced. Summer clothes were -still clinging to him; a tattered comforter was the only winter article he -wore. - -[Illustration: CHARITY THROWN AWAY.] - -A gay carriage rolled noiselessly by, with a beautiful girl within, well -wrapped in fur and cloak, whilst the snow was dashed from the rapid wheels -like white dust. She saw, through the dim light, the weary, thin-clad boy, -as he stopped, with face bent aside to the flake-burdened blast, to gaze -at the smoking horses, as they plunged through the fast-deepening sheet. -She dropped the sash, and threw the boy a coin. It sank from her warm hand -deep into the drifted snow. It might have brought him bread and a -cheering fagot, but the smitten child never found it. The snow closed over -the coveted prize, while the blast grew keener. - -On, on toiled the beggar boy, through drift and darkness, more weary as -night gathered on. Thus is it ever with the humble poor; their load grows -heavier as life lessens. No light or warming hearth is there--things that -make house a home--to welcome the wandering boy. - -The clock had just struck two as I was summoned to the house of Mrs. T. -The same carriage that, in the evening, had borne the beautiful young -girl, awaited at my door, with its impatient horses snorting against the -frosted air. A few minutes later I entered the house. Mrs. T. met me in -the hall, with her face deadly pale, and manner much excited. Her singular -nervousness had before struck me on my visits, whenever her daughter -ailed. She informed me that her "darling Emily" was very ill with a high -fever. - -We entered the chamber. The young girl lay with her head turned aside upon -the pillow, her golden-brown hair scattered in wild profusion upon its -white cover, while the nurse was gently moistening the fevered palm of her -outstretched hand. The pulse was beating wildly at the wrist and temples, -and fever heat glowed from her lustrous eyes. Whilst the nurse held the -light to her face, the traces of dried tears were revealed upon her -suffused cheeks. - -"Heartache surely is here," I said to myself. - -There was something in the whole appearance of my patient that excited my -curiosity and surprise. Only eight or ten hours had passed since she, from -her carriage, had thrown the snow-claimed alms to the beggar boy, and -_now_ a high fever was running hot through every artery of her body. - -Silently seated by the bedside, after administering a cooling draught I -awaited and watched for the changes that might ensue. Her mother sat near -the fire, its blaze lighting up every feature of her once beautiful face, -which still remained very pale. In all my intercourse with Mrs. T., I -never before had so prolonged an opportunity of examining in detail the -expression of her countenance. The longer I gazed on her, the more -satisfied I became that she had not passed through life without a fearful -history. - -It was this sensation which struck me when I first became acquainted with -her. A few vague rumors had floated about relative to her history; that a -strange desertion of her husband had taken place, and that he afterwards -was found drowned in the river, near his residence, and that by his death -Mrs. T. had become possessed of an immense estate. These stories had, -however, soon subsided; and as her means were ample, and her charities -liberal, the gossips of the town quietly dropped the past, and speculated -upon the future, as should all respectable gossips. - -The voice of the patient diverted my thoughts; a few words were murmured, -and then the lips pressed tremblingly together, and the tear-drops again -started to her cheeks. Suddenly springing up in bed, and threading her -long, curling hair through her slender fingers, she exclaimed, in a -thrilling, delirious tone,-- - -"It cannot be true! O, mother--tell me, mother!" - -Mrs. T. fairly leaped to the bedside, and placing her hand over the -daughter's mouth, with affrighted gestures, she exclaimed,-- - -"What is it? What does she mean? My God, doctor, she raves!" - -The girl fell back on her pillow; the mother stood, pale and trembling, by -the bedside, with a nameless terror depicted on every feature. Turning to -me, in a quick, restless voice, she bade me hasten to give her child a -quieting draught. - -"O, anything that will keep her from raving!" - -The room was not over warm for such a bitter night, yet the perspiration -stood upon the brow of the excited mother like the fallen dew. - -"Conscience must lie here," I thought to myself. - -In the course of an hour the sufferer slumbered heavily; her breathing was -hurried and oppressed, the fever had increased, and her moanings were -constant. - -Day was breaking, as I left my young patient to return home through the -falling snow. As I looked out of the carriage window, I saw a little boy -sitting on the cold walk. It was the poor beggar boy of yesterday, as -thinly clad, with his pale cheek as white as the snowdrifts through which -he had toiled. I ordered the coachman to stop. - -[Illustration: THE BEGGAR BOY.] - -"What brought you out, and where are you going, on this cold winter -morning, my poor boy?" I exclaimed. - -He raised his beautiful dark eyes to my face, and my heart grieved at -their look of utter hopelessness, as he faintly answered, "To beg for me -and old grandma." - -"Are you not very cold, in those thin clothes?" I asked. - -His little teeth chattered, as he replied, "O, I am very--cold--sir." - -The impatient horses plunged violently in the traces, and the coachman -asked to be allowed to drive on. I gave the poor boy the few silver coins -that were in my pocket, and we passed on. - -I never saw that boy but once again; his look haunts me to this day. - -As I rode on, memory was busy tracing where I had ever seen features like -his. The dark hair, that lay in uncombed curls upon his forehead, and -clustered warmly about his neck, as though in protection against the -bitter cold; his large, black eyes, with their long lashes; the -finely-chiselled outlines of his mouth and nose,--these all impressed me -that I had somewhere seen a face which strikingly resembled his. Poor boy! -beauty was his only possession. - -At breakfast a letter was handed me, summoning me immediately to one of my -own children, who lay sick in a distant town. Before leaving I wrote a -hurried note to Mrs. T., stating the cause of my sudden departure, -desiring her to call another physician, during my absence. The young -girl's fate and the poor beggar boy's face were almost forgotten in my own -cares. - -On the sixth day following, I again found myself at home. My first thought -was for poor Emily. I dreaded to ask; there was something whispering to my -heart that all was not well. - -My suspense was not long; a messenger had just left, stating that the dear -girl was fast failing; that her physician had pronounced her laboring -under typhus fever. My God, how my heart sank under these words! I had -dreaded this mistake after I left. Alas! how many have fallen by the name -of a disease, and not by the disease itself! - -After a hurried meal, I drove rapidly to Mr. T.'s residence. The house -door was quietly opened by a servant, and in another minute I stood in the -chamber of the invalid. The mantel was crowded with numerous vials. The -close atmosphere of the sick-room was sickening. By the bedside, with her -face bowed over one of the pale hands of the daughter, which she held in -both of her own, sat the wretched mother. It seemed to me as though ten -years had passed over her faded and care-worn countenance, since I last -gazed upon it. I could not stir; my heart stood still. _Her hair had -become entirely gray._ - -[Illustration: REMORSE.] - -I gained heart to approach; the desolate mother heard me, and turning -quickly she sprang from her chair, and placing her hands on my shoulders, -she bowed her head: she sobbed wildly, as though her heart would break. - -"Look, look, doctor! Would you have known her? O, my God, she is leaving -me! Save her--O, save her!" and the wretched mother fell fainting to the -floor. We gently raised and bore her to her own chamber. In a few moments -I returned to Emily. She turned her head languidly towards me, while her -right hand moved as if to take mine. How dry was the palm! Her color had -faded away; the once rounded cheeks were sunken. O, I will not describe -her! - -The physician who had been called, after my departure, had found her with -high fever and delirium. He mistook the excitement of the brain for its -inflammation. O, fatal error! A consultation was called. The second comer -was notedly a man who viewed every excitement as caused by "an over-action -of the vessels," and bleeding was its only relief. The nervous system he -entirely ignored. From his theory, man was a mere combination of blood, -blood-vessels, and biliary secretions, more or less deranged. Calomel, -salts, and the lancet were his Hercules. The grand _causa mortis_ amongst -the human family was "serosity." Hence some evil-minded wag amongst his -brethren had named him "Old Serosity." - -The poor child had been bled, cupped, and purged, in order to subdue this -"over-action of the blood-vessels." Verily it may cure the vessels, but it -certainly kills the patient. - -The life current was nigh exhausted; there was no blood left for renewal -of brain, nerve, or vital tissue. My heart was bitter against this -murderous adherence to a false principle. Here a human life, that of a -young and spotless girl, was the forfeit. - -But to return to the thread of the narrative. - -"O, I am glad you have come back to me. Do try to save me, doctor," she -said, with great effort. Sending the nurse from the room, I quickly -pressed the young girl's hand within my own, and said to her,-- - -"Do you really wish to live, Emily?" - -"Yes, yes," she murmured; "I am very young to die." - -"Then, my dear, tell me truly what has so terribly shocked your nervous -system; tell me." With a strength that startled me, she searched under the -mattress side, and drew forth a small note, which she silently placed in -my hand. It was discolored by time. I opened it; the date was above twelve -years back. It ran thus:-- - -"When you receive this, Mira (Mrs. T.'s given name), my career will have -ended. By my death you will inherit all. Let my unborn child have its -just, legal claim. Your child, Emily, take to your home as though she were -an adopted orphan. Let not her youth be blighted by the knowledge of her -unblest birth. I forgive you. Adieu, forever. H. T." - -"O my God, the doomed child is illegitimate," I said. I stooped down and -kissed the sufferer's forehead, and promised that I would be a father to -her. "Come, cheer up," I whispered, "for your mother's sake. If she has -sinned she has suffered much for your sake; forgive her." - -"I do forgive her," she whispered, "but can I forget myself, unblessed as -I am? But I must know the whole truth. O, where is the right heir of all -this wealth? My memory returns now, indistinctly, to my earlier days. A -cloud intervenes. I remember but a small cottage, in a deep wood, where -mother often came to see me, and a tall woman took care of me. Then came a -gay carriage, and took me to a large house; but I never again returned to -the cottage in the wood. There, at the large house, mother left me a long -time; and when she came back--O, doctor, I can speak no longer. Do give me -something to strengthen me, and I will try yet to live." - -A cordial was administered by my own hands, and in a short time sleep -overcame her. Night again closed in; the wind had sunk to rest with the -setting sun. Another night of bitter cold was ushered in. Woe to the poor! -Woe to the hungry and the fireless. - - * * * * * - -As I entered the mother's apartments I found her sitting by a private -secretary, which had been brought from the library. Its lid was open, and -as I seated myself she took from a package of tied letters a sealed paper, -and placing it in my hands, said,-- - -"Read this at your leisure, doctor. My pilgrimage of life is nigh ended. -You will judge how great my sin, and how severe has been my punishment. I -ask no forgiveness, _for there will be none left to forgive me_." - -Well, I knew her heart was nigh crushed! - -I sought the daughter's chamber. How still was everything! The very -candle, with its long flame, parted by the thickened wick-char, seemed not -to flicker, as it burned dimly on. I looked at the bed; the sweet girl lay -with both hands crossed upon her bosom, as though in prayer. An -orange-blossom had dropped from her grasp, and lay neglected by her side; -her life-hand never touched it more! Death had claimed his bride! - -A wild shriek sounded through the house. The erring mother now knew that -she was alone in the great world. - -Whilst the shrouding of the dead took place I retired and opened the -sealed package. It briefly told its tale of sin and sorrow. - -It told how from the first love Emily was the fruit, and how, unknown to -all, the child had been secreted; how, about three years after Emily's -birth, the mother was married to Harold T., whom _she never loved_; and -how, by a singular accident, the knowledge of her transgression became -known to her husband; that, after violently cursing her for her sin and -deception, he left her, and shortly afterwards committed suicide; that -the letter (written by him just before his death), which was so fatal to -the peace and life of Emily, had accidentally dropped from the secretary, -and was picked up by her (that night after her return in the carriage), -unknown to the mother until the sixth day after my return, when she missed -it. - -The narrative went on to state that a male child was born after T.'s -death, and that, seized with an insane fury, she resolved that he never -should inherit its father's name and wealth; and that, through the -assistance of a nurse, it was placed with a sum of money at a beggar's -door, and a dead child laid beside the mother instead; that before sending -the infant away, the nurse tattooed its father's initials on its left arm. -The beggar had died, and all traces of the child had been lost. At length -her guilty conscience so reproached her that the mother had instituted -search for the child, but all in vain. - -As I read this tale of crime and repentance, busy memory traced out the -features of the _beggar boy_! Like a sudden light it burst upon me--those -features that had so tormented my memory to recall were those of the -unhappy mother. - -Quickly I went to her room. She was not there. I hastened to Emily's. The -mother was wildly clasping the enshrouded form of her daughter, and -weeping as though her heart would break asunder. Gently removing her to -her own chamber, I intimated that another child, long lost, might yet be -restored to her. - -She listened as one bewildered. I then informed her of my adventure with -the beggar boy. - -It was hardly day-dawn as I entered the carriage. My breath froze against -the window panes. After a short ride the horses stopped before the -wretched snow-covered hovel (where he had seen the beggar child once -enter). I opened the carriage door, leaped out, and placed my hand on the -latch. The door opened. It was neither bolted nor locked; for no thief -would enter there. In the corner of the room lay a bundle of rugs, with -some straw, but it was unoccupied. Near the fireplace, where nought but a -little well-charred bark remained upon the cold ashes, half reclining in a -large wooden chair, lay the beggar boy. - -[Illustration: THE LOST HEIR.] - -His cap had fallen on the ground, and his dark, curling hair fell -clustering over his extended arm, as his head rested upon it. He had -seemingly fallen asleep the night before, for his thin summer clothes were -on his person, and his basket, yet filled with the fragments of broken -feasts, remained untouched at his feet. I placed my hand upon his -beautiful head; it was icy cold. Quickly brushing back the fallen ringlets -from his face, the unmistakable evidence of death met my gaze. - -He had apparently fallen asleep weeping, for a tear-drop lay frozen -between the long lashes that fringed the eyelids. - -I raised the stiffened body of the ill-fated youth, and tearing away the -thin sleeve from his left arm, I distinctly discovered the letters 'H. T.' -thereon. - -Deserted, famished, and frozen, death had claimed the darling, lone boy -before he knew a mother's love! - -This sad tale is taken from "_Scenes in Northern Practice by Dr. Dewees_, -N. Y."--_Scalpel_, 1855. (And like all the stories herein, it has the -merit of being true to the letter.) - - -THE TERRIBLE CALLER. - -It was about half past nine in the morning. - -My office door suddenly opened, and looking up from my writing, I saw, -standing in the passage-way, a very tall man, in a long white frock, -reaching to his knees, sleeves rolled to his elbows, a slouched hat set -back on his head, his face painted or bedaubed with some white substance, -and his eyes gleaming upon me most intensely! - -There he stood, looking almost fiercely upon me, while he held the -door-knob with his left hand, and grasped with his right a long -carving-knife, which was thrust through his belt. - -"Are you the doctor?" he shouted with excitement. - -"I am the doctor," I replied, calmly awaiting my fate. - -He instantly stepped inside the room, when close behind him was revealed -the form of a very short man, who held a Kossuth hat in one hand, while -with a handkerchief in the other, he stanched the blood that had evidently -been flowing pretty freely from his head. - -"This man has cut himself very bad on the head; big iron wheel come down -on him: can you fix him up?" asked the first. This accounted for his -excited manner. But how about the bedaubed face and the huge knife? - -[Illustration: A MORNING CALLER.] - -I examined the wound, only through the scalp, less than three inches in -length; and washing away the surplus clotted blood, I clipped off the -hair, and soon secured the edges of the gaping wound by taking a stitch or -two through the scalp. - -While so doing, the young man rolled his eyes up to his tall -companion,--who had explained that they were cooks at Young's Hotel, and -that the spit wheel and shaft used for turning meat had fallen eight feet; -by which the assistant had barely escaped being killed,--and with a -commendable show of thought for his employer's interest, rather than his -own comfort or safety, he anxiously exclaimed,-- - -"Jim, do you think that gentleman's 'order,' what I had in the spit, is -overdone yet?" - - -AN IRISH SCENE. - -A young Irish girl, with a wild shriek, an "Och, hone!" and "Ah, murther!" -and "Hulla-boo--a--hulla-boo, poor Terry! Ah, why did I taze ye?" burst -into my office one evening, upsetting the servant, and actually laying -hold on me with her hands, as she exclaimed,-- - -"Ah, docther, docther, come now, for the love o' the moother that bore ye; -come this blessed minute. I've killed poor Terry, an' niver shall see him -again. Ah, murther, murther! Why did I taze ye?" - -[Illustration: "WHY DID I TAZE YE?"] - -Trying in vain to calm her, I hastily drew on my boots, and almost ran -after her to a wretched tenement, some quarter of a mile off, and found -the object of the girl's solicitude alive and kicking, with his lungs in -the best of order, standing on the stairs that led to his miserable -chamber, with a broken scissors in his hand, stirring busily the contents -of a tea-cup. - -It seems that he had been courting my fair guide, and after the period she -had fixed for her final answer to his declaration, she had bantered him -with a refusal, which her solicitude for his life plainly showed was far -enough from her real intentions. - -In his despair he had swallowed an ounce of laudanum, which he had -procured from some injudicious druggist, which act had sent Biddy off -after me in such terror. He was now mixing a powder which he had obtained -from another druggist, who, knowing of his love affair, it will be seen -acted with more wisdom than the first, as Terry let slip enough in his -hearing to show what he wanted to do with the "ratsbane" for which he -inquired; and Biddy, like a true daughter of Eve, had made no secret in -the neighborhood that she valued her charms beyond the poor fellow's bid. - -As soon as she approached, he, by some inopportune remark, re-excited her -wrath, and she again declared she wouldn't have him, "if he wint to the -divil." - -Poor Terry, in his red shirt and blue stockings, and an attitude of the -grandest kind, but covering, as we soon found, a desperate purpose, -flourished his tea-cup, and stirred its contents with the scissors, -constantly exclaiming,-- - -"Ah, Biddy, will ye have me? Ye'll have me now--will ye not?" - -Still Biddy refused. - -"Divil a bit will I let the docther come near me till ye say yis! Sure, -weren't we children together in the ould counthry? and didn't we take our -potaties and butthermilk out o' the same bowl? And yer mother, that's now -dead, always said ye were to be me wife; and now ye're kapin' coompany -with that dirty blackguard, Jim O'Connor,--divil take him for a spalpeen. -Ah, Biddy, will ye have me?" - -And he flourished the cup, and stirred away vigorously with the scissors. - -Biddy's blood was up at the disrespectful mention made of Jimmy's name, -for "he had a winnin' way wid him," and she shouted at the top of her -voice,-- - -"No, be the St. Patrick, I'll niver have ye." - -With an awful gulp, Terry drained the cup, rolled up his eyes, and with -one most impassioned yet ludicrous look at her, he fell upon his knees on -the step. - -Biddy followed, in strong hysterics. - -The whole affair was so irresistibly ludicrous that I scarce could keep -from laughing; but on observing the bottle, labelled "laudanum," and -looking into the bottom of the tea-cup, and discovering a white powder, I -changed my prognosis, and hastened to the druggist's near, to see what it -was, and procure an antidote, should it really prove "ratsbane." - -To my great relief, the man of drugs informed me, laughingly, that he had -given Terry a quantity of chalk and _eight grains of tartar emetic_, as he -learned that Terry was already in possession of the ounce of laudanum, and -all the neighbors knew that Biddy had driven him to desperation by -flirting with his rival, Jim O'Connor. The young man had judiciously told -Terry that the powder would make the laudanum sure to operate more -effectually. - -"How long will it take?" he asked, and bagged all for use when the refusal -should come. - -My course was now clear. I was in for sport. Sending the druggist's clerk -for my stomach-pump, to be in readiness in case the emetic should not -operate,--which was scarcely impossible, for eight grains of tartar -emetic, taken at a dose, would almost vomit the potatoes out of a bag,--I -waited the result. - -As for Biddy, I let her lie; for I thought she deserved her punishment. My -heart was always tender towards the sex, and I generally expected a -"fellow-feeling." - -[Illustration: SUCCESS OF TERRY'S COURTSHIP.] - -In a short time it became evident that Terry's stomach was not so tough as -his will, and he began to intermingle long and portentous sighs with his -prayers, and to perspire freely. I gave him a wide berth, in anticipation -of the Jonah that was to come up shortly. I was anxious now that Biddy -should revive in time to witness his grand effort. Terry was tough, and -held out. Shortly she revived, and suddenly starting up, and recollecting -the situation, she made one bound for Terry, crying,-- - -"Ah, Terry, Terry, dear Terry! I'll have ye now. Yis, I will; and I don't -care who hears me. I always loved ye, but that divil's baby, Mag, always -kept tellin' me ye'd love me the betther if I didn't give in to ye too -soon. Ah, Terry, dear, only live, and I'll go to the ends of the world for -ye. Ah, an' what would me poor mother say, if she was here? Och, hone! -Och, hone! Docther, now what are ye doin'? A purty docther ye are; an' ye -pumped out yer own counthryman, that didn't die, sure, an' he tuk twice as -much as poor Terry." - -Meantime the boy had arrived with the pump. - -"Up wid ye now, and use the black pipe ye put down the poor fellow's -throat over the way last summer. I'd take it mesilf, if it would do; but -God knows whether I'd be worth the throuble." - -As Terry had not yet cast up his accounts, and the stomach-pump was at -hand, I determined to make a little more capital out of the case, and -thrusting the long, flexible India rubber tube down poor Terry's throat, -having separated his teeth by means of a stick, and holding his head -between my knees, I soon had the satisfaction of depositing the laudanum -and tartar emetic in a swill pail, the only article of the toilet the -place afforded. - -After years proved Terry and Biddy most loving companions. He never, even -when drunk, more than threatened her "wid a batin', which she was -desarvin'," and she never forgave "that divil's baby, Mag," for her cruel -experiment on her heroic and devoted Terry.--_Practice of a New York -Surgeon._ - - -A LIFE SCENE. - -_The Situation._--I was young, but, with a wife and child dependent upon -my practice for food, raiment, and shelter, I was striving manfully; with -my household gods and goods I had located here, in a small village, a year -before. My beginning was encouraging, my success in practice more than -flattering. But an immense opposition had met and nearly overthrown me, in -the form of a man, a deacon of the ---- church. He was one of those "rule -or ruin" men whom you will find in every one-horse village. I did not at -first know my man,--he did not know me,--or I should have avoided his ill -will. I did not know his tenaciousness of titles--he was an esquire -also--which was my first unpardonable offence. He swore--"as deacons -do"--that I should not practise in that town. I swore, as doctors will, -that "so long as I could obtain a potato and a clam a day I would remain -while he was my opposer." Clams could be dug at low water, within a few -rods of my house; potatoes I grew on the quarter acre of ground given me -as partial inducement to settle in that town. His two drunken sons were -his emissaries of evil, set on for my overthrow, in addition to the -father's voice and known opposition, which few dared to meet. My practice -dwindled. A few Nicodemuses came by night, but my darling wife trembled -for my very life when I had a night call. My provision was often short, my -poor horse was mere skin and bones, standing, day after day, gnawing his -empty manger. - -"O, is there a God in Israel?" I cried, in my anguish, more than once. - -Yes, the reply came to my prayers; there is a God of recompense. - - * * * * * - -_The Betrayed._--My patient was a young girl, over whose golden head but -seventeen summers had flown, on rosy wings. Her form was sylph-like, and -face as beautiful as the opening flower in the golden sunshine of early -day. She was an attendant at _his_ church, a member of _his_ Sabbath -school class, and a singer in the choir.... - -[Illustration: THE BETRAYED.] - -I was shown to her room. Sorrow, and not disease, had left its impress -upon her fair young face. Rumor had already given me a hint on which to -diagnose my case. - -"Who has done this wicked thing?" I asked, holding her hand, and looking -kindly into her eyes. - -"O, my God! O, I must not tell," she cried, springing up from her couch. I -never shall forget the terror depicted on that fair young countenance, as -she pronounced these words. - -"You must tell. You should not suffer this shame and burden alone. Tell me -truly. Who has done it? I must know. There may be a chance to cover the -shame and make your babe legitimate. Come," I said. - -"O, sir, dear doctor, it can never be;" and she fell back on her pillow, -weeping and wringing her hands in awful anguish. - -"Come, it shall be done;" and I firmly held to the point. - -She arose. I gave her a bowl and napkin that were near; she bathed her -inflamed and swollen eyes, then, with surprising calmness and fortitude, -took a pencil and a bit of paper from the light-stand at her bedside, and -wrote a name. - -She then handed it to me, saying "'Tis he." I read the name. I jumped to -my feet. I forgot my tender patient. I forgot all but my own sufferings, -and those of my dear little wife and darling babe, and their enemy, as I -cried out,-- - -"O, my God in Israel! I have got him! I shall be avenged!" - -"O, don't, doctor! What is the matter?" exclaimed the affrighted girl, -rising in bed. I had rushed, almost frantically across the room and back. -"Forgive me," I said, "I--I forgot myself. Pardon me." - -"O, sir, I thought you were mad." - -"I was, dear girl. It is past. Now to your case." And I proceeded to -unfold to her unsophisticated mind the true state of affairs. Here was a -pure, respectable, though poor young girl, under age, who had been -betrayed, locked into an office, and seduced by a son of the squire, and -deserted, threatened--left to bear the burden and disgrace alone. She -dared not divulge the name of her destroyer, because of the position of -his family in the community. I dared. But to bring her mind up above her -fears, to compel the young man to make restitution, as far as lay in his -power, was a severe task. It was my duty to do this; sweeter then than -duty, it was my revenge! By implicating the real villain, I released -several other young men from suspicion, particularly one young man with -red hair. - -The girl was taken away from the sight of dear sister's sinister looks, -and the influence and threats of the seducer, and secret offers of bribery -of the deacon, his father. - -The law took its course. No eye could see the hand that worked the -machinery. The time was counted almost to a day, as the result proved. The -young man was arrested, and gave bonds. It became the theme of general -conversation. I was interviewed. I was dumb--deaf--blind! Threats and -bribes proved equally ineffectual to induce me to give an opinion, or a -pledge not to appear in the coming trial at the next term of the Superior -Court. To marry the poor, unfortunate girl was beneath the dignity of the -seducer and family. They would pay their last farthing first, or the young -man would sooner go to prison for the crime. His two sisters carried their -heads higher than ever. The two sons threatened my life. But I kept on the -even tenor of my way. The girl became a mother. - -"Next Tuesday court sits," whispered everybody, and nothing in town was -discussed but the probabilities of the pending lawsuit. - -The lawsuit was nothing, the fine was nothing, which the justice might -impose; even imprisonment was nothing in comparison to acknowledgment of -an illegitimate child by the deacon's family, notwithstanding the child -was not red-haired, but much resembled its reputed father, the deacon's -son. - -There was no trial. The squire paid a sum of money to the idiotic old -father of the beautiful young mother, and agreed, orally, to support the -child, and the suit was withdrawn. But this virtually acknowledged the -child, and the girl returned to her father's roof for shelter, and a place -wherein to weep alone over her so-called fatherless child, and hide her -shame (?) from the uncharitable world. - -The town became too cramped for the squire and his beautiful family. He -sold out, but not before he had lost his rule there, and was hanged in -effigy as being "too Secesh." - -The seducer married a frail beauty, who mourns a drunken, brutish husband. - -The other son became steady, and married a lovely girl--my first patient. - -The daughters never wedded. Too proud to marry a poor man, too poor and -destitute of real beauty or accomplishments for a wealthy or refined man -to desire to wed them, they became servants and lackeys. If I desire a -lunch at a certain saloon, one of them awaits my order. No matter about -the other unfortunate, unloved girl. The father is an imbecile invalid. -God is my witness, my judge, I long ago buried my hard feelings against -them; they have only my commiseration. - -[Illustration] - - - - -XV. - -DOCTORS' FEES AND INCOMES. - - "Three faces wears the doctor; when first sought, - An angel's and a god's, the cure half wrought; - But, when, the cure complete, he seeks his fee, - The d----l looks then less terrible than he." - EURICUS CORDUS, 1530. - - ANCIENT FEES.--LARGE FEES.--SPANISH PRIEST-DOCTORS.--A PIG ON - PENANCE.--SMALL FEES.--A "CHOP" POSTPONED.--LONG FEES.--SHORT - FEES.--OLD FEES.--A NIGHT-CAP.--AN OLD SHOE FOR LUCK.--A BLACK - FEE.--"HEART'S OFFERING."--A STUFFED CAT.--THE "GREAT GUNS" OF NEW - YORK.--BOSTON.--ROTTEN EGGS.--"CATCH WHAT YOU CAN."--FEMALE DOCTORS' - FEES.--ABOVE PRICE.--"ASK FOR A FEE."--"PITCH HIM - OVERBOARD."--DELICATE FEES.--MAKING THE MOST OF THEM. - - -The great German physician who wrote the above died (as he ought, for -putting so much truth into four lines) in 1538. He, of all physicians of -his day, earned his fees; but it is often the case that the most deserving -get the least reward, and Cordus was not an exception to the rule. A good -physician, or surgeon, is seldom a sharp financier, and _vice versa_. "It -is hard to serve two masters." - -Ancient physicians' fees were much larger, considering the difference in -the value of money, than modern. - -ERASISTRATUS, in the year 330 B. C., received from General Seleucus, of -Alexander's army, to whom the kingdom of Syria fell at the termination of -the Macedonian conquest, the enormous sum of 60,000 crowns as a fee for -his discovery of the disorder of the general's son, Antiochus. The Emperor -Augustus employed four physicians, viz., Albutus, Arantius, Calpetanus, -and Rubrius, to each of whom he paid an annual salary of 250,000 -sesterces, equal to $10,000. Martialis, the Spanish epigramist, who was -born in 40 A. D. says Alconius received 10,000,000 sesterces ($400,000) -for a few years' practice. - - -LARGE FEES. - -French physicians were never very well paid. The surgeons of Charlemagne -were tolerably well recompensed. Ambrose Pare, the great surgeon, and -inventor of ligatures (for peculiar arteries),--previous to whose time the -arteries were seared with a hot iron; otherwise the patient bled to -death,--received 5,000 francs for ligaturing one artery. Louis XIV. gave -his surgeons 75,000 crowns each for successfully performing upon him a -surgical operation. - -Upon the confinement of Maria Louise, second wife of the great Napoleon, -four physicians--Bourdier, Corvisat, Dubois, and Ivan--received the sum of -$20,000. Dubois was the principal, and received one half of the -amount,--not a very extravagant remuneration; but then Napoleon held a -mean opinion of physicians in general, and this fee was not to be wondered -at. Dupuytren, the distinguished French surgeon, left a property of -$1,580,000. Hahnemann, who, in 1785, at Dresden, abandoned physic in -disgust, afterwards went to Paris, and at the time of his death was -literally besieged with patients, reaping a reward for his labors of not -less than $40,000 per annum. Boerhaave was a successful practitioner, born -at Leyden, and left, at his death, $200,000 from private practice. John -Stow, the eminent antiquarian writer, whose misfortunes compelled him to -beg his daily bread at the age of eighty, informs us that "half a crown -(English) was looked upon as a large fee in Holland, while in England, at -that same time, a physician scorned to touch any fee but gold, and -surgeons were still more exorbitant." - -In Spain, until a very remote period, the priests continued to exercise -the double office of priest and physician, and some of them were -proficient in surgery; and though they fixed no stipulated price for their -medical services, they usually managed to get two fleeces from the one -shearing, and on certain occasions dispose of the carcass also, for their -own pecuniary advantages, as the following will show:-- - -Anthony Gavin, formerly a Catholic priest of Spain, says, "I saw Fran. -Alfaro, a Jew, in Lisbon, who told me that he was known to be very rich, -when in Seville, where the priests finally stripped him of all his wealth, -and cast him into the Inquisition, where they kept him four years, under -some pretence, and finally liberated him, that he might accumulate more -property. After three years' trade, having again collected considerable -wealth, he was again imprisoned and his wealth confiscated by the -priest-doctors, but let off, with the order to wear the mark of San Benito -(picture of a man in the midst of the fire of hell) for six months. - -[Illustration: A SAN BENITO PIG.] - -"But Alfaro fled from the city, and finding a pig near the gate, he -slipped the San Benito over the pig's neck, and, sending him into the -town, made his escape. 'Now I am poor,' he added, 'nobody wants to -imprison me.'" - - -ENGLISH FEES AND INCOMES. - -In no other country have physicians' fees varied so much as in England. -The Protestant divine and the physician have kept step together to the -music of civilization and enlightenment. Both of these professions were -held at a low estimation up to the Elizabethan era, when a young, -unfledged M. D. from Oxford would gladly accept a situation in a lord's -family for five or ten pounds a year, with his board, and lodgings in the -garret, while, in addition to professional services he might act as sort -of wise clown, "and be a patient listener, the solver of riddles, and the -butt of ridicule for the family and guests. He might save the expense of a -gardener--nail up the apricots; or a groom, and sometimes curry down and -harness the horses; cast up the farrier's or butler's accounts, or carry a -parcel or message across the country." - -As was said also of the divine, "Not one living in fifty enabled the -incumbent to bring up a family comfortably. As the children multiplied, -the household became more beggarly. Often it was only by toiling on his -glebe, by feeding swine and by loading dung-carts, that he could gain his -daily bread.... His sons followed the plough, and his daughters went out -to service." - -Queen Elizabeth's physician in ordinary received one hundred pounds per -annum and perquisites--"sustenance, wine, wax, and etceteras." Morgan, her -apothecary, for one quarter's bill was paid L18 7_s._ 8_d._ A one pound -fee, paid by the Earl of Cumberland to a Cambridge physician, was -considered as exceptionally liberal, even for a nobleman to pay. - -Edward III. granted to his apothecary, who acted in the capacity of -physician in those days, a salary amounting to six pence a day, and to -Ricardus Wye, his surgeon, twelve pence per day, besides eight marks. (A -mark was 13_s._ 4_d._) In the courts of the kings of Wales, the -physicians and surgeons were the twelfth in rank, and whose fees were -fixed by law. Dr. Caius was fortunate in holding position as physician to -Edward VI., Mary, and Elizabeth. Sir Theodore Mayerne was still more -fortunate in having the honor of serving Henry IV. and Louis XIII. of -France, and subsequently King James I., Charles I. and II. of England. -Mayerne has been the subject of many anecdotes, of which the following is -a sample:-- - -[Illustration: AN OLD ENGLISH CLERGYMAN AND HIS FAMILY.] - -A parsimonious friend, consulting Mayerne, laid two broad pieces of gold -(sixty shillings) on the doctor's table, to express his generosity, as he -felt safe that they would be immediately returned to him. But Mayerne -quietly pocketed them, saying,-- - -"I made my will this morning, and if it became known that I had refused a -fee, I might be deemed _non compos mentis_." - -[Illustration: THE KING'S PHYSICIAN AND THE EXECUTIONER.] - -In 1700, graduated physicians' dues were ten shillings, licensed doctors, -six shillings eight pence. A surgeon's fee was twelve pence per mile, be -his journey long or short, and five shillings for setting a bone or -dislocated joint, one shilling for bleeding, and five pounds for an -amputation. All after attendance extra. - - -ANECDOTE OF JAMES COYTHIER. - -This jolly doctor was employed by Louis XI., and was said to have sponged -immense sums from his royal master, beyond a regular salary. - -"He wrung favor upon favor from the king, and if he resisted the modest -demands of his physician, the latter threatened him with speedy -dissolution. On this menace, the king, succumbing to the fear of death, -which weakness characterized his family, would at once surrender at -discretion." - -Finally, to rid himself of such despotic demands, the king ordered the -executioner to behead the physician. - -The requisite officer waited on Coythier, and in a courteous and -considerate manner, as became the occasion, said to him,-- - -"I deeply regret, my dear sir, the circumstance, but I must kill you. The -king can stand you no longer, and here are my orders." - -"All right," replied the doctor, with surprising unconcern; "I am ready -whenever you are. What time would you find it most convenient to perform -the little operation?" - -While the officer was trying to decide, Coythier continued,-- - -"But I am very sorry to leave his majesty only for a few days; for I have -ascertained by occult science that he can't survive me more than four -days." - -The officer stood struck with amazement, but finally returned and imparted -the astounding information to the king. - -"O, liberate him instantly. Hurt not a hair of his head," exclaimed the -terrified monarch. - -Coythier was of course speedily restored to his place in the king's -confidence--and treasury. - - -A LONG FEE. - -Here is what may be called a _long fee_:-- - -An English surgeon, named Broughton, had the good fortune to open the -commerce of the East Indies to his countrymen through a medical fee. -Having been sent from Surat to Agra, in the year 1636, to treat a daughter -of the emperor Shah Jehan, he had the great fortune to restore the -princess. - -Beyond the present reward to the physician for his great services, the -emperor gave him the privilege of a free commerce throughout the whole -extent of his domains. Scarcely had Broughton returned than the favorite -nabob of the province--Bengal--sent for the doctor to treat him for a very -dangerous disease. Having fortunately restored this patient also, the -nabob settled a pension upon the physician, and confirmed the privilege of -the emperor, extending it to all Englishmen who should come to Bengal. - -Broughton at once communicated this important treaty, as it was, to the -English governor at Surat, and, by the advice of the latter, the company -sent from England, in 1640, the first ship to trade at Bengal. Such was -the origin of the great Indian commerce, which has been continued to the -present day,--the longest continued doctor's fee ever given. - -Another long fee was that given to Dr. Th. Dinsdale, who travelled from -England to St. Petersburg by order of Catharine of Russia, to inoculate -her son, the baron of the empire. The empress presented him with a fee of -twelve thousand pounds, and a life pension of five hundred pounds. This is -the largest sum ever paid to any physician since the world began, for a -single operation, and I know of no physician who ever made a longer -journey to attend a patient. - - -A SHORT FEE. - -This is how a physician fell short of his fee. Charles II. was taken -suddenly and dangerously ill with apoplexy. The court physician being out -of town, Dr. King, who only being present, with one attendant, instantly -bled his majesty, to which "breach of court etiquette" John Evelyn -attributes his salvation for the time; for he would certainly have died, -had Dr. King staid the coming of the regular physician--for which act he -must have a regular pardon! - -The privy council ordered a handsome fee to be paid Dr. King for his great -presence of mind and prompt action, but it never was paid. Charles died -soon afterwards, and poor King fell short of a fat fee. - - -ODD FEES. - -Amongst the many funny things told about Sir Astley Cooper, the eminent -English surgeon, none is better authenticated than that respecting the -"night-cap fee." - -In his earlier practice, he had to pass through all the trials and -tribulations, "anxious and ill-rewarded waitings," that lesser stars have -before and since, and ever will, before he became "established." In his -first year's practice in London, his profits were but five guineas; his -second reached the encouraging sum of twenty-five pounds, and increased in -this ratio till the ninth year, when it was one thousand pounds. In one -year he made twenty-one thousand guineas. It is said that one merchant of -London paid him annually six hundred pounds. It wouldn't require but a few -such lucrative patients to keep a doctor in pocket money even at this -day. - -A West India millionnaire, named Hyatt, had been to London, and undergone -a severe and dangerous surgical operation at the hands of Sir Astley, -assisted by Drs. Lettsom and Nelson. The operation proved a success, and -the grateful patient only waited till he could sit up in bed a little -while at a time before expressing in some measure his gratitude to the -physicians. All three being present one day, Hyatt arose in bed and -presented the two physicians with a fee of three hundred gold guineas, -and, turning to Sir Astley, who seemed for a moment to have been slighted, -the millionnaire said,-- - -"And as for you, Sir Astley, you shall have nothing better than that," -catching off his night-cap, and flinging it almost into Sir Astley's -handsome face--he was said to be the handsomest man in England; "there, -take it, sir." - -"Sir," exclaimed the surgeon, with a smile, "I pocket the affront." - -On reaching home, and examining the night-cap, he found it contained one -thousand guineas--nearly five thousand dollars. - - -AN OLD SHOE. - -Quite as odd a fee was that presented to a celebrated New York surgeon -about the year 1845. An eccentric old merchant, a descendant of one of the -early Dutch families of Manhattan Island, was sick at his summer residence -on the Hudson, where his family physician attended him. The doctor gave -him no encouragement that he ever would recover. A most celebrated -surgeon, since deceased, was called as counsel, who, after careful -examination of the case, and considering the merchant's age, coincided -with the opinion of the family physician, and so expressed himself to the -patient. - -"Well, if that is all the good you can do, you may return to New York," -said the doomed man. But as the astonished surgeon was going out of the -house, the invalid sent a servant after him, in haste, saying,-- - -"Here, throw this old shoe after him, telling him that I wish him better -luck on the next patient;" and drawing off his embroidered slipper, he -gave it to the servant, who, well used to his master's whims, as well as -confident of his generosity, ran after the doctor, flinging the shoe, and -giving the message, as directed. The surgeon felt sure of his fee, well -knowing the ability of the eccentric merchant; but he picked up the shoe, -and placing it in his coat pocket, said to his brother physician, who -accompanied him, "I'll keep it, and I may get something, to _boot_." - -[Illustration: A SLIPPER-Y FEE.] - -It contained, stuffed into the toe, a draft for five hundred dollars. - - -A BLACK FEE. - -Dr. Robert Glynn, of Cambridge, England, who died nearly eighty years ago, -was a most benevolent man, as well as a successful medical practitioner, -with a large revenue. Mr. Jeaffreson tells the following amusing story -about him:-- - -"On one occasion a poor peasant woman, the widowed mother of an only son, -trudged from the heart of the fens (ten miles) into Cambridge, to consult -the good doctor about her boy, who was very sick with the ague. Her manner -so interested the doctor that, though it was during an inclement winter, -and the roads almost impassable by carriages, he ordered horses harnessed, -and taking in the old lady, went to see the sick lad. - -"After a tedious attendance, and the exhibition of much port wine and -bark, bought at the physician's expense, the patient recovered. A few days -after the doctor had taken his discharge, without fees, the poor woman -presented herself at the consulting-room, bearing in her hands a large -basket. - -"'I hope, my good woman, your son is not ill again,' said the doctor. - -"'O, no, sir; he was never better,' replied the woman, her face beaming -with gratitude; 'but he can't rest quiet for thinking of all the trouble -you have had, and so he resolved this morning to send you this;' and she -began undoing the cover of the large wicker basket which she had set on -the floor. The doctor stood overlooking the transaction in no little -concern. Egress being afforded, out hopped an enormous magpie, that -strutted around the room, chattering away as independent as a lord. - -"'There, doctor, it is his favorite magpie he has sent you,' exclaimed the -woman, looking proudly upon the piece of chattering ebony. It was a fee to -be proud of." - - -A HEART'S OFFERING. - -The gratitude of the poor country lad for his recovery did not exceed, -probably, that of a young girl, as related in the Montpelier papers, from -one of which I cut the following:-- - -"A young girl, fourteen years of age, named Celia ----, called at the -hotel to-day where Dr. C., with his family, is stopping, and presenting -him with a bouquet of Mayflowers, said, 'I have no money to pay you for -curing my head of scrofula, and I thought these flowers might please you.' -This was truly the offering of a grateful heart; for her head _had been -entirely covered by sores, from her birth_, and the doctor had cured it. -Another journal said, in commenting upon it, 'This heart's offering deeply -affected the doctor, to whom it was a greater reward than any money -recompense could have been.' The doctor has the withered and blackened -flowers and leaves pressed, and hung in a frame in his office, but the -memory of the touching scene of their presentation will remain fresh -within his heart forever." - -[Illustration: A LIVING FEE.] - - -A STUFFED CAT-SKIN. - -An eccentric and parsimonious old lady, who died in a small village in the -State of Maine, some twenty years ago, always kept a half dozen cats about -the house. She was a dried-up-looking old crone, and some ill-minded -people had gone so far as to call her a witch, doubtless because of her -oddities and her cats, "black, white, and brindled." When one of these -delightful night-prowlers departed this life, the old lady would have the -skin of the animal stuffed, to adorn her mantel shelf. My informant said -he had once seen them with his own eyes, arranged along on the shelf, some -half score of them, looking as demure and comfortable as a stuffed cat -could, while the old woman sat by the fireplace, croning over her knitting -work. - -[Illustration: STUFFED PETS.] - -The woman paid no bills that she could avoid, always pleading poverty as -her excuse for the non-fulfilment of her responsibilities. - -One dark and stormy night she was taken very sick, and by a preconcerted -signal to a neighbor,--the placing of a light in a certain window,--help -was summoned, including the village doctor, to whom she owed a fee for -each visit he had ever made her. But this was fated to be the doctor's -last call to that patient. - -"O, doctor, then I am dying at last--am I?" - -The physician assured her such was the case. - -"Then, doctor, I must tell you that you've been very patient with me, and -have hastened day or night to see me, in my whims, as well as my real -sickness, and you shall be rewarded. I have no money, but you see all my -treasures arranged along on the mantel-piece there?" - -"What!" exclaimed the doctor; "you don't call those cats treasures, I -hope!" - -"Yes, they are my only treasures, doctor. Now, I want to be just to _you_, -above all others, because you've not only served me as I said, but you've -often sent me wood and provisions during the cold winters--" - -Here she became too feeble to go on, and the doctor revived her with some -cordial from his saddle-bags, when she took breath, and continued,-- - -"See them, doctor; eleven of them. Which will you choose?" - -The doctor, with as much grace as possible, declined selecting any one of -the useless stuffed skins; when the old lady, by much effort, raised her -head from the pillow, and said, "Well, I will select for you. Take the -black one--take--the black--cat--doctor!" and died. - -Her dying words so impressed him, that he took the cat home, and, on -opening her,--for it was very heavy,--he found that the skin contained -nearly a hundred dollars, in gold. - - -AMERICAN FEES AND INCOMES. - -There is a surgeon in New York city whose income from practice outside of -the hospital is said to be twenty-five thousand dollars per annum. Dr. -Valentine Mott, the celebrated New York surgeon, who died April 26, 1865, -at the age of eighty-one years, had a very large income, but less than -that enjoyed by several surgeons in the metropolis at the present time. - -There are some specialists in New York, Philadelphia, and Boston, who -receive greater sums annually than the regular medical or surgical -practitioners. There is no law particularly controlling the prices of the -former. The fee for a visit, by the established usage of the medical -societies in these cities, is from three to ten dollars. - -A specialist sometimes receives fifty to one hundred dollars for -prescribing in a case, for which another physician, in ordinary practice, -would charge but an office fee of two to ten dollars. A quack -specialist--and an impostor--in the latter city makes his brags that he -has received twelve hundred dollars for one prescription. But then this -same lying braggadocio says he has read medicine with Ricard, and had -various honors conferred upon him. - -Dr. Pulte, of Ohio, one of the western pioneers in homeopathy, who has -often been greeted, in his earlier professional rounds, by a shower of -dirt, rotten eggs, stones, brickbats, and had rails and sticks thrust -through his carriage wheels at night, and been otherwise insulted, until, -finally, he had to carry his wife about with him, as a protective -measure,--for his revilers would not insult a lady,--has since made as -high as twenty thousand dollars a year, and has amassed a fortune of two -hundred thousand dollars. There is a Boston homeopathist whose income from -practice is not less than twenty to twenty-five thousand dollars annually. -Some of the surgeons (allopathic) do better, but hardly reach the figures -of Dr. Nelaton, the great French surgeon, who, in 1869, earned four -hundred thousand francs, equal to about eighty thousand dollars. - -[Illustration: A PIONEER OF HOMEOPATHY.] - -Dr. Bigelow, the very celebrated surgeon of Harvard College, has probably -received the largest fee for a surgical operation of any New England -practitioner. He is said to be worth nearly a million. - -Dr. Buckingham, the eminent medical practitioner, of Boston, who probably -earns as much as any physician in the city, a few years ago stated to the -graduating class of Harvard College--so I am informed by a physician then -present--that he received for his first year's practice in Boston _but -fifty-seven dollars_. He then had a little office up stairs, where he -slept, dined,--often on bread and cheese, or a few crackers; sometimes he -did not dine,--and received his few patients. But he was a great student, -and a hard worker, and often, and usually, stuck to his post during those -hours when more prosperous physicians were seeking amusement or -relaxation. He was one of the "_hold-fast_" kind, who always win, in the -end. - -"_Catch what you can._"--There is a class of wretches in every city who -have no established fee for prescribing for the sick. They go on the -principle of "catch what I can." If they cannot get a fee of twenty -dollars, they will take two, provided the patient has no more. A young man -who visited one of these medical shave-shops was charged a fee of -thirty-five dollars in a very simple case; but the benevolent doctor -concluded to accept two dollars and a half instead, since the man had no -more money. The shamefulness of such Jewing reminds one of the story of a -negro trading off a worn-out old mule:-- - -"I say, dar, what will you take for dat yer mule, Cuffy?" - -"O, I axes thirty-five dollars for him, Mr. Sambo." - -"O, go way, dar. I gibs you five dollars for him," said the first. - -"Well, you can take him, Sambo. I won't stand for thirty dollars on a mule -trade, nohow." - -There is a female practitioner in St. Louis who earns above ten thousand -dollars a year, and her individual fees are moderate at that. - -Another doctress, Mrs. Ormsby, of Orange, N. J., accumulates some fifteen -thousand a year, and is in turn outstripped by another woman practising in -New York, who gets nearly twenty thousand dollars a year. Such certainly -possess great business tact, with or without professional merit, and for -such let all men give them credit. - -Several female doctors in Boston receive from three to five thousand -dollars each, yearly. - -It is too often the case that a physician's success is reckoned, like a -tradesman's, by what he has gained in a pecuniary point of view. There -are, however, thousands of worthy men, successful with their cases, who, -from less acquisitiveness than benevolence, have failed in securing more -than a bare competence, through a life devoted to their profession. - -[Illustration: A SHARP MULE TRADE.] - -I presume nearly every physician who has experienced a dozen years in -practice has some mementos of his poor patients' gratitude, in the form, -if not of an ebony bird, or a black cat-skin, of something possessing more -beauty, and, to the benevolent heart, which always beats within the -breast of every true physician, keepsakes prized above gold and silver. - - "Who has not kept some trifling thing, - More prized, more prized, than jewels rare, - A faded flower, a broken ring, - A tress of golden hair, a tress of golden hair?" - -A very benevolent physician, and a sexagenarian, of New York city, wrote, -twenty years ago, "I even yet enjoy a sort of melancholy satisfaction in -hastening to relieve the suffering poor of my neighborhood, though I know -that my reward will be very small, or, what is far more frequent, that I -shall be paid with ingratitude, if not slander. - -"Sometimes there are bright spots in my horizon, and I think myself more -than repaid by a new shirt, or a couple of handkerchiefs--the gift of some -poor, though grateful sewing girl. A few of these little treasures I prize -with peculiar tenderness." - - "A tress of hair and a faded leaf - Are paltry things to a cynic's eyes: - But to me they are keys that open the gates - Of a paradise of memories." - - -ASKING FOR A FEE. - -A Boston M. D., who had been in practice fourteen years without -accumulating any property, was about to abandon the profession, and, with -this view, he applied to Fowler, the phrenologist, with the question, -"What pursuit am I best adapted to follow?" Mr. Fowler, with whom he was -unacquainted, said, "The practice of medicine;" but, at the same time, he -assured the doctor that he ought to do business on a _cash_ -principle,--"_accipe dum dolet_,"--or employ a collector, as he would -never collect his fees. Acting on this hint, the doctor returned to his -practice, and in a few years was out of debt, and owned a fine residence. - -In the matter of collecting fees only he was deficient. - -A New York student--if report is true--began earlier to be impressed with -the propriety of getting his fee in advance, as the following will show. - -He went before the censors for examination. One of the board was a -well-known penurious, fee-loving doctor, who, looking over the list of -names of the applicants, said,-- - -"Mr. ----, if a patient came to your office, what would you first do?" - -"I would ask him for a fee, sir," was the prompt reply. - -An old navy surgeon relates the following regarding examinations:-- - -"I was shown into the examining-room. Large table, and a half dozen old -gentlemen at it. 'Big wigs, no doubt,' I thought, 'and, sure as my name is -Symonds, they'll pluck me like a pigeon.' - -"'Well, sir, what do you know about the science of medicine?' asked the -stout man in the head seat. - -"'More than he does of the practice, I'll be bound,' tittered a little -wasp-like dandy--a West End ladies' doctor. - -"I trembled in my shoes. - -"'Well, sir,' continued the first, 'what would you do if during an action -a man was brought to you with both arms and legs shot off? Now, sir, speak -out; don't keep the board waiting. What would you do?' - -"'By Jove, sir,' I answered, 'I would pitch him overboard, and go on to -some one else to whom I could be of more service.' - -"By thunder! every one present burst out laughing, and they passed me -directly--passed me directly." - - -DELICATE FEES. - -There are certain delicate cases, usually terminating in "good news," in -which it has long been an established custom for the physician to receive -a double fee. "A father just presented with an heir, or a lucky fellow -just made one, is expected to bleed freely for the benefit of the -faculty." Even the Irish, who, in about all other cases, calculate on -"cheating the doctor to pay the priest," will usually lay by a little sum -from their penury, or their bank hoardings, as the case may be, "to pay -the doctor for the babbie." - -We insert the following poetry (!) for the fun of the thing; nevertheless, -it is within the experience of more than one physician, who, after doing -his duty, exhibiting his best professional ability, and saving the wife of -some miserable, worthless fellow, who never deserved such a godsend for a -companion, has cheated the doctor out of his fees from spite, when, if the -poor woman had died, he would have liberally paid the physician. Let no -man take this to himself. - - "A woman who scolded one day so long - Quite suddenly lost all use of her tongue! - The doctor arrived, who, with 'hem and haw,' - Pronounced the affection a true locked jaw. - - "'What hopes, good doctor?' 'Very small, I see.' - The husband (quite sad) slips a double fee. - 'No hopes, _dear_ doctor?' 'Ahem! none, I fear.' - Gives another fee for an issue clear. - - "The madam deceased. 'Pray, sir, do not grieve.' - 'My friends, one comfort I surely receive-- - A fatal locked jaw was the only case - From which my dear wife could have died--in peace.'" - - -"MAKE THE MOST OF HIM." - -It has been said that physicians have been known to benevolently play a -fee into a brother's hand when their own palm failed to be broad enough to -hold them all. Perhaps the reader may derive amusement or instruction from -the following, in which case the writer is well repaid for their -insertion:-- - -"A wealthy tradesman, after drinking the waters of the Bath Springs a -long time, under advice of his physician, took a fancy to try those of -Bristol. Armed with an introductory letter from his Bath doctor to a -professional brother at Bristol, the old gentleman set off on his journey. -On the way he said to himself,-- - -"'I wonder what Dr. ---- has advised the Bristol physician respecting my -case;' and giving way to his curiosity, or anxiety, he opened the letter, -and read,-- - - "'DEAR DOCTOR: The bearer is a fat Wiltshire clothier; _make the most - of him_. Yours, professionally, ----.'" - -Clutterbuck, the historian, and a pleasant writer, tells the following of -his uncle, who was a physician:-- - -"A nervous old lady, a patient of his, took it into her crotchety old head -to try the Bath waters, and applied to her physician for permission. - -"'The very thing I have been thinking to recommend,' he replied; 'and I -know an excellent physician at the wells, to whom I will give you a letter -of introduction.'" - -With her letter and a companion, she started for the springs. _En route_ -she took out the letter, and, after looking at the address some time, her -curiosity overcame her, and she said to her friend, "So long as the doctor -has treated me, he has never told me what my case is, and I have a mind to -just look into this letter and see what he has told the Bath physician -about it." - -In vain her friend remonstrated against such a breach of trust. The old -lady opened the epistle, and read the following instructive words:-- - - "DEAR SIR: Keep the old woman three weeks, and send her back." - -[Illustration] - - - - -XVI. - -GENEROSITY AND MEANNESS. - - "Life's better joys spring up thus by the wayside, - And the world calls them trifles. 'Tis not so. - Heaven is not prodigal, nor pours its joys - In unregarded torrents upon man: - They fall, as fall the riches of the clouds - Upon the parched earth, gently, drop by drop. - Nothing is trifling which love consecrates."--AYLMERE. - - "The art of our necessities is strange."--KING LEAR. - - THE WORLD UNMASKED.--A ROUGH DIAMOND.--DECAYED GENTILITY.--"THREE - FLIGHT, BACK."--SEVERAL ANECDOTES.--THE OLD FOX-HUNTER.--"STAND ON - YOUR HEAD."--KINDNESS TO CLERGYMEN.--RARE CHARITY.--OLD AND - HOMELESS.--THE "O'CLO'" JEW.--DR. HUNTER'S GENEROSITY.--"WHAT'S THE - PRICE OF BEEF?"--A SAD OMISSION.--INNATE GENEROSITY.--A CURB-STONE - MONEY-MANIAC.--AN EYE-OPENER.--AN AVARICIOUS DOCTOR.--ROBBING THE - DEAD. - - -Side by side, hand in hand, through the world, go generosity and meanness. -If these could but be personified, and the individuals compelled to stand -before men in broad daylight, O, what a staring would there be! Those whom -we thought the very embodiment of generosity and kindness would "crop out" -in their true hideousness of character--unmasked meanness and selfishness; -yes, men too high in the estimation of the world, in church and in state. - -On the other hand, we should be equally astonished to find amongst those -in the humbler walks of life, as well as some in the more exalted, people, -whom the world counted as mean and penurious, now standing forth adorned -in robes bleached like the snow-drift, shining bright as the golden -sunrise, yet blushing to find that their hidden charities, and secret, -self-denying generosities, had been suddenly brought to light. - -And when the secret works of this world shall be revealed, no class of men -will stand forth more blessed in deeds of generosity and self-sacrifice -than the physicians. There is an occasional black sheep in the great -flock. - - -A ROUGH DIAMOND. - -There is no better authority for the truth of the many queer stories told -about the rough benevolence of Dr. Abernethy, the great English surgeon, -than the author of his memoirs--Sir George Macilwain. - -[Illustration: PHYSICIANS' CHARITY.] - -"His manner [Dr. Abernethy's], as we shall admit, was occasionally rough, -and sometimes rather prematurely truthful. One day he was called in -consultation by a physician to give an opinion in a case of a pulsating -tumor, which was pretty plainly an aneurism. On proceeding to examine the -tumor, he found a plaster covering it. - -"'What is this you have on it?' asked Abernethy. - -"'O, that is only a plaster.' - -"'Pooh!' exclaimed the doctor, pulling it off and flinging it aside. - -"'The "pooh" was all well enough,' said the attending physician, -afterwards, 'but it took several guineas out of my pocket.'" - - -"UP THREE PAIR, BACK." - -A surgeon--pupil of the above--was requested to visit a patient in a low -quarter of the suburbs of the metropolis. When he arrived, and mounted -several flights of crazy stairs, he began searching for the designated -number, which was so defaced by time that he was only enabled to determine -it by the more legible condition of the next number. - -[Illustration: SEARCH FOR A PATIENT.] - -An old woman answered the shake of the dilapidated knocker. - -"Does Captain Blank live here?" - -"Yes, sir,"--trying to penetrate the darkness. - -"Is he at home?" - -"Yes, sir. Please, may I make so bold as to ask, are you the doctor?" - -"Yes." - -"O, then please to walk in, sir." - -In the ill-furnished, narrow room sat an old man, in a very shabby and -variegated _deshabille_, who rose from his chair, and, with a grace worthy -of a count, welcomed the stranger. His manner was extremely gentlemanly, -his language well chosen, and the statement of his complaint particularly -clear and concise. - -The surgeon, who like most of us see strange things, was puzzled to make -out his new patient, but concluded that he was one of the many who, having -been born to better things, had become reduced by misfortune to these -apparently very narrow circumstances. - -Accordingly, having prescribed, the surgeon was about taking his leave, -when the gentleman said,-- - -"Sir, I thank you very much for your attention," at the same time offering -his hand with a fee. - -The benevolent surgeon declined the fee, simply saying,-- - -"No, I thank you, sir. I hope you will soon be better. Good morning." - -"Stay, sir!" exclaimed the old gentleman. "I shall insist on this, if you -please," in a tone which at once convinced the surgeon that it would be -more painful to refuse than accept the fee; he accordingly took it. - -"I am very much obliged to you, sir," the old gentleman then said; "for -had you not taken your fee I could not have again had the advantage of -your advice. I sent for you because I had understood that you were a pupil -of Dr. Abernethy's, for whom I could not again send, _because he would -not take his fee_, and I was so hurt that I am afraid I was rude to the -good man. I suppose he, judging from the appearances of things here, -thought I could not afford it, hence refused the fee, on which I begged -him not to be deceived by appearances, but take the fee. However, he kept -retreating and declining, till, forgetting myself a little, and feeling -vexed, I said, 'By G----, sir, I insist on your taking it,' when he -replied as fiercely, 'By G----, sir, I will not,' and hastily left the -room, closing the door after him." - -This gentleman lived to the age of ninety. He was really in very good -circumstances, but lived in this humble manner to enable him to assist -very efficiently some poor relatives. The surgeon, after a while, changed -his professional visits to friendly ones, and continued them up to the old -man's death. When, however, the gentleman died, about four hundred guineas -were found in his boxes. - -Sometimes Dr. Abernethy would meet with a patient who would afford a -useful lesson. A lady, wife of a distinguished musician, consulted him, -and, finding him uncourteous, said,-- - -"Sir, I had heard of your rudeness before I came, but I did not expect -this." - -When Dr. Abernethy gave her the prescription, she asked,-- - -"What am I to do with this, sir?" - -"Anything you like. Put it into the fire if you choose." - -The lady laid the fee on the table, went to the grate, threw the -prescription on to the fire, and hastily left the room. - -The doctor followed her to the hall, earnestly pressing her to take back -the fee, or permit him to write her another prescription; but the lady -would not yield her vantage-ground, and so withdrew. - -The foregoing is well authenticated. Mr. Stowe, the informant, knows the -lady well. - -[Illustration: AN ECCENTRIC PATIENT.] - -[Illustration: A WOMAN'S REBUKE.] - - -THE OLD FOX-HUNTER. - -Sometimes, again, the ill usage was all on one side. - -We know a hard-drinking old fox-hunter who abused Dr. Abernethy roundly; -but all that he could say against him was this:-- - -"Why, sir,--will you believe me?--almost the first words he said, as he -entered my room, was, 'I perceive you drink a good deal.' - -"Now," continued the patient, very _naively_, "supposing I did, what the -devil was that to him?" - -Another gentleman, who had a most unfortunate appearance on his nose, -exactly like that which accompanies dram-drinking, used to be exceedingly -irate against Dr. A. because, when he told the doctor that his stomach was -out of order, Abernethy would reply,-- - -"Ay, I see that by your nose." - - -THE DUKE, OR THE POOR GENTLEMAN. - -One day, just as Dr. Abernethy was stepping into his carriage to make a -professional visit to the Duke of W., to whom he had been called in a -hurry, a gentleman stopped him to say that the ----, at Somers Town -(mentioning a poor gentleman whom he had visited without fee), would be -glad to have him visit him again at his leisure. - -"Why, I cannot go now," Dr. Abernethy replied, "for I am going in haste to -see the Duke of W." Then, pausing a moment before stepping into his -carriage, he looked up to the coachman, and quietly said, "To Somers -Town." - -The fidgety irritability of his first impression at interference, and the -beneficence of his second thought, were very characteristic of Dr. -Abernethy. - -A pupil, who wished to consult him one day, took the very inauspicious -moment when the doctor (and professor) was looking over his papers, but a -few moments before lecture, in the museum. - -"I am fearful, sir, that I have a polypus in my nose, and want you to look -at it," said the student. - -The doctor made no reply; but when he had completed the sorting of his -preparations, he said, looking up,-- - -"Eh?" - -To which the pupil repeated his request. - -[Illustration: AFRAID OF A POLYPUS.] - -"Then stand on your head; don't you see that all the light here comes from -the skylight? How am I to look into your nose?" - -(This was true, for there were no side-lights in the amphitheatre.) - -"Where do you live?" continued the doctor. - -"Bartholomew Close, sir." - -"At what time do you get up?" - -"At eight." - -"You can't be at Bedford Row" (where Abernethy resided) "at nine, then?" - -"Yes, sir, I can." - -"To-morrow morning, then." - -"Yes, sir; thank you." - -The pupil was punctual. Dr. Abernethy made a very careful examination of -his nose, found nothing of the nature of polypus, made the pupil promise -never to look into his nose again, and he, in after years, said, that -there never was anything the matter. - -Dr. Abernethy never took a fee from a student, brother doctor, nor full -fee from a clergyman. His great labors seemed to be in the hospitals, and -on his resignation as surgeon to St. Bartholomew, he presented for its use -five hundred dollars. He never neglected his poor hospital patients for -the richer ones outside. - -One morning, on leaving his house for a visit to the hospital patients, -some one wished to detain him, when he exclaimed, in terms more earnest -than elegant,-- - -"Private patients may go to the devil" (or elsewhere, another reports), -"but the poor fellows in the hospital I am bound to care for." - -To poor students whose funds were "doubtful," he presented free tickets to -his college lectures, afterwards showing them marked attention. - -Everybody has heard of his rude kindness to a young fashionable miss, whom -her mother took to Abernethy for treatment. It is said that the doctor ran -a knife under her belt, in presence of the mother, instantly severing it, -and exclaiming,-- - -"Why, madam, don't you know there are upwards of thirty yards of ----" -(what are more elegantly termed bowels) "squeezed under that girdle? Go -home, give nature fair play, and you'll have no need of a prescription." - -[Illustration: ABERNETHY'S SURGICAL OPERATION.] - - -KINDNESS TO CLERGYMEN. - -"Cynics have been found in plenty to rail at physicians for loving their -fees; and one might justly retort that the railers love nothing but their -fees. Who does not love--and who is not entitled to--the sweet money -earned by labor, be it labor of hand, brain, or cloth? One thing is -sure--doctors are unpaid."--_A Lawyer._ - -The above kind-hearted physician, having attended the child of a -clergyman's widow, without knowing her situation, returned all the fees he -had received from her when he learned who she was, and added, in a -letter, fifty pounds besides, with instructions to expend it in daily -rides in the open air, for her health. To a clergyman he sent a receipt -for his long services, and also enclosing ten pounds. - -The generosity of Dr. Wilson, of Bath (now deceased), has before been -recorded. He had been attending a clergyman, who, Wilson had learned, was -in indigent circumstances, and he afterwards sent fifty pounds in gold to -the minister, by a friend. - -"Yes, I will take it to him to-morrow," said the gentleman. - -"O, my dear sir," exclaimed Dr. Wilson, "take it to him to-night. Only -think of the importance to an invalid of one good night's rest." - - -RARE CHARITY. - -Another case of "three pair, back," occurs in the memoirs of Dr. Lettsom, -who is already made mention of in this work. On one of his benevolent -excursions, the doctor found his way into the squalid garret of a poor old -woman who had evidently seen better days. With the refined language and -the easy deportment of a well-bred lady, she begged the physician to -examine her case, and give her a prescription. (Alas! how often is poverty -mistaken for disease, and does want foster malady!) But the kind doctor, -after a careful inquiry, formed a correct diagnosis, and wrote on a slip -of paper he chanced to have about him, the following brief note to the -overseers of the parish:-- - - "A shilling per diem for Mrs. Moreton. Money, not physic, can cure - her. - - LETTSOM." - -A shilling, in those days, was considered no mean sum per day. - - "Alas for the rarity - Of Christian charity - Under the sun! - O, it was pitiful! - Near a whole city full, - Home she had none. - - "Sisterly, brotherly, - Fatherly, motherly - Feelings had changed; - Love, by harsh evidence, - Thrown from its eminence, - Even God's providence - Seeming estranged." - -"Alas, doctor," said an unfortunate old gentleman, some seventy-four years -old,--a merchant ruined by the American war, bowed down by the weight of -his misfortunes, and by disease,--to Dr. Lettsom, "those beautiful trees -you may see out of my bedroom window I planted with these now feeble -hands. I have lived to see them bear fruit; they have become as part of my -family. But with my children still dearer to me, I must quit this dear old -home, which was the delight of my youth and the hope of my declining -years, and become a homeless, joyless wanderer in my old age." - -The benevolent Quaker doctor was deeply affected by these words, and the -utter despair and hopelessness with which the weeping old man uttered -them; and, speaking a few words of consolation to his unfortunate patient, -he wrote a prescription, and hastily retired. - -On the old gentleman's examination of the remarkable looking recipe, he -found it to be a check for a large sum of money. The benevolence of the -physician did not end here. He purchased the residence and grounds of the -old man's creditors, and prescribed them to him for life. (He is our young -Quaker antipode, mentioned in another chapter.) - -The old apothecary, Sutcliff, was right when he said of young Lettsom, -while his apprentice, "Thou may'st make a good physician, but I think not -a good apothecary." An apothecary is not expected to give away his time or -medicine. (They seldom disappoint one's expectations.) A grocer is not -expected to give away flour, rice, sugar, tea, to even a starving, -languishing neighbor; nor the baker, nor the butcher, to give bread or -meat to the perishing. Why, such demands upon them daily would be laughed -to scorn. But the physician! These very same niggardly men (individually) -would berate the doctor, be he ever so needy, or be his family ever so -large, who would accept a fee for even cold-night services to any but the -richest patients. All physicians do not have access to the "richest -patients." Many a good physician has been compelled to quit practice -because of his too large "bump" of benevolence, and because of the limited -amount of that article in his first few patients, while thousands of -practitioners in this country struggle and labor on through a life of -self-denial, wearing themselves out, dying prematurely, leaving their -families penniless to the cold charities of an uncharitable world. (See -Chapter XXX.) - - -THE OLD JEW. - -"Ah me," exclaimed a Jew, one day, as he reluctantly drew out his wallet -to pay three dollars for his examination, prescription, and advice, "if I -could only make money like the doctors of mede_cene_! Ah me." Then, taking -two dollars from his purse, he asked, "Won't that do?" - -This Jew was a merchant, reputed rich, and penurious as he was wealthy, -and I demanded the accustomed fee. - -"Let me see," said he; "how many patients have you seen to-day?" - -"Nine," I replied. - -"Let me see," counting his fingers as a tally. "At least twenty-seven -dollars a day, and nothing out but a bit of paper. Ah, I wish I had been a -doctor in mede_cene_," he added, with a sigh, and a woful look at the -money, as he reluctantly handed it over. - -This was casting pearls before worse than swine, prescribing for such a -wretch. Brains, education, anxiety, all went for nought, with him. _Money_ -was his all. A shilling before his eyes would shut out even God's -sunlight. If the shilling only _shone_, _glistened_,--sunlight enough for -such a wretch. - -[Illustration: RECKONING A DOCTOR'S FEES.] - -"Let _me_ see," I said, after his miserable body had taken his penurious -soul out of my office; "nine patients, one three miles away. Horse-tire -and carriage-wear, time, advice, and medicine given, because the patient -was a widow. No. 2 patient, the sick child of an invalid mother; no fee. -No. 3, an Irishman. The Irish never wish to pay anything; did pay one -dollar. No. 4, a merchant. "Charge it." That was _his_ fee. No. 5, a young -sewing girl, who, in sewing on army cloth, had sewed her life's blood into -the seams. In consumption. Could I take her fee? God forbid. No. 6, a -"lady," who, having so much upon her back, had nothing in her purse. I may -get my fee at the end of the quarter. "You know my husband. Good morning." -It was near two o'clock then. She had occupied my time a whole hour. My -dinner was cold; my wife was out of sorts, waiting so long. Nos. 7 and 8, -two sick children. Visit them daily; pay uncertain. The ninth was the -wealthy Jew. Nine patients; four dollars! Don't I sometimes wish I kept an -"O' clo'" store, like the old Jew? This actually occurred when I practised -medicine in Hartford. - -[Illustration: PATIENT NUMBER FIVE.] - - -DR. HUNTER'S GENEROSITY. - -No man cared _less_ for the profits of the medical profession, or _more_ -for the honor thereof, than the great Dr. John Hunter. He was honest, -honorable, and simple in his every day life. His works, which contributed -more to the science of medicine than any other writings during a thousand -years, were simply announced as by JOHN HUNTER. A plain door plate, with -the same name, announced his residence. Money was a secondary -consideration to him. The following shows that he desired a professional -brother to so consider it:-- - - "DEAR BROTHER: The bearer needs your advice. He has no money, and you - have plenty; so you are well met. - - "Yours, JOHN HUNTER." - -To a poor tradesman from whom he had received twenty guineas for -performing a surgical operation upon his wife, he returned nineteen -guineas, having learned with what difficulty and extreme self-denial the -husband had raised the money. - -"I sent back nineteen guineas, and kept the twentieth," said he, in -apology for retaining even the one, "that they might not be hurt with an -idea of too great an obligation." - -Where is the other man, or class of men, who would have returned the -money, honestly earned, as agreed upon beforehand, unasked? - - -GENEROUS AT ANOTHER'S EXPENSE. - -It is all very nice when one can exercise a benevolent spirit, and not -draw upon his own pocket. - -A well-authenticated story is repeated in this line of Dr. M. Monsey. - -Passing through a market one day, he noticed a miserable old woman looking -wistfully at a piece of meat hanging just within a stall. - -"What is the price of this meat, sir?" she timidly inquired. - -"A penny a pound, old woman," replied the butcher, sneeringly, disdaining -a civil answer to the wretched-looking woman, who probably had not a penny -to pay for the chop. - -"Just weigh that piece of meat, my friend," said the doctor, who had been -attentively watching the proceedings. - -The butcher cheerfully complied with the request of so respectable-looking -a customer. - -"Ten pounds and a half, sir," replied the butcher. - -"There, my good woman," said the doctor, "hold up your apron;" and he -dumped the whole into it, saying, "Now make haste home and cook it for -your family." - -After blessing the very eccentric but benevolent old man over and again -for the timely provision, she drew up the corners of the apron, and ran -speedily down the market. - -"Here, my man," said the doctor, turning to the smiling butcher, "here is -ten pence ha'penny, the price of your meat." - -"What? What do you mean?" asked the butcher. - -"I mean, sir, that I take you at your word. You said the meat was a penny -a pound. At that price I bought it for the poor old woman. It's all I'll -pay you. Good morning, sir." - -[Illustration: THE ASTONISHED BUTCHER.] - -I can imagine the "chop-fallen" butcher, standing, in his long frock, with -a _beaten_ expression of countenance, alternating his gaze between the -pence in his palm and the retreating form of the wigged and laughing old -doctor. - - -A REPORT ON TEETH. - -Many stories are told of the eccentricities of Dr. Monsey, and - - "No man could better gild a pill, - Or make a bill, - Or mix a draught, or bleed, or blister, - Or draw a tooth out of your head, - Or chatter scandal by your bed, - Or tell a twister." - -Amongst the vagaries of Dr. Monsey, says Mr. Jeaffreson, was the way in -which he proceeded to extract his decaying teeth. Around the tooth -sentenced to be uprooted he fastened securely a strong piece of cord, or -violin string, to the other end of which he attached a bullet. He then -proceeded to load a pistol with powder and the bullet. By merely pulling -the trigger of the pistol, the operation was speedily and effectually -performed. - -It was seldom, however, that the doctor could induce his patients to adopt -this original mode of extracting undesirable achers. - -One gentleman, who had agreed to try this novel process upon a tooth, got -so far as to allow the whole apparatus to be adjusted, when, at the very -last instant, he exclaimed,-- - -"Stop, stop! I have changed my mind--" - -"I haven't, though; and you're a fool and a coward, and here's go," which -saying, the doctor pulled the trigger. - -"Bang!" went the pistol, and out flew the tooth, to the delight and -astonishment of the patient. - -Taking this anecdote alone, it is scarcely credible; but considered in -connection with what we have already selected from the life of Dr. Monsey, -and what we may write of his eccentricities in our chapter under that -head, this may be believed as being nearly correct. - -[Illustration: MODERN IMPROVEMENTS IN DENTISTRY.] - -[Illustration: CHARITY NOT SOLICITED.] - - -A SAD OMISSION. - -Believing, as I do, that every reader of these pages is personally -cognizant of the fact of the true benevolence of our present American -physicians, and because of the silence of the few biographers respecting -the generosities and benevolent deeds of those "who have gone before," I -have devoted more space to anecdotes of English surgeons and physicians -than I otherwise would. I have searched throughout four volumes of -biographies of American physicians without being able to find a single -anecdote of generosity recorded therein worthy of notice. Also in the -"Lives of Surgeons ----" I have to regret this almost unpardonable -neglect. I am assured from my personal knowledge of some of these latter -that there are a thousand instances, which, in justice to their -benevolence, ought to be put upon record, as they are engraven upon the -hearts of their suffering fellow-creatures, and not for the aggrandizement -of the generous bestower so much as an example for the cynical and the -uncharitable world. - -A physician has just left my presence who has given away more than he has -ever received from his practice. The good physician is always generous. A -mean-souled man cannot become a successful practitioner. His success with -his patients depends as much, or more, upon the kindly influences that -beam from his eye, that flow from his soul, as upon the medicine that he -deals out from his "saddle-bags." - -Generosity and kindness are innate to the man. They require little -cultivation. - -The following amusing anecdote from "Every Saturday," I have reason to -believe, has reference to one of our best physicians, who is also a man of -letters, and illustrates my assertion:-- - - -"INNATE GENEROSITY." - -"One hot August afternoon a gentleman, whose name attached to a check -would be more valuable to the reader than if written here, was standing in -front of the Revere House, waiting for a Washington Street car. He was a -slim, venerable gentleman, with long white hair, and a certain dignity -about him which we suppose comes of always having a handsome balance in -the bank, for we never knew a poor man to have this particular air. It was -a sultry afternoon, and the millionaire, standing on the curb-stone in the -shade, had removed his hat, and was cooling his forehead with his -handkerchief, like any common person, when the Cambridge horse-car stopped -at the crossing at his feet. From this car hastily descended a well-known -man of letters, whose pre-occupied expression showed at once that he was -wrestling with an insubordinate hexameter, or laying out the points of a -new lecture. Suddenly he found himself face to face with a white-haired -old man, dejectedly holding a hat in one hand. As quick as thought the -poet--to whom neither old age nor young appeals in vain--thrust his hand -into his vest pocket, and, dropping a handful of nickel and fractional -currency into the extended hat, passed on. The millionaire gazed aghast -into the hat for an instant, and then inverted it spasmodically, allowing -the money to drop into the gutter, much to the amusement of a gentleman -and a tooth-pick on the steps of the Revere House, and very much more to -the amusement of another party, who chanced to know that the supposed -mendicant and the man of letters had been on terms of personal intimacy -these twenty years." - - -A CURB-STONE MONEY-MANIAC. - -A man may possess large acquisitiveness and benevolence at the same time, -like Sir Astley Cooper, and succeed both pecuniarily and professionally. -Such are, however, scarce. Those with an excess of the grasping principle -in their composition illustrate the truth that "where the treasure is the -heart will be also." Asleep or awake, drunk or sober, such men never lose -sight of the almighty dollar. The annexed story, though irreverent to the -doctors, is not irrelevant to the case:-- - -During the late "panic," a fellow, whose prominent feature was in his -Jewish nose, which presented the sign of acquisitiveness by the bridge -widening on to the cheeks above the _alae_,--all men noted for accumulating -have this sign, hung out by nature as a warning to the unwary,--was making -a great noise, as he clung to a friendly lamp-post, to which he was -arguing the state of the money market. "Come, sir, you are making too much -noise," said a policeman. - -[Illustration: CAPTURE OF A WALL STREET BULL.] - -"Me? No, 'tain't me that's--hic--making the noise; it's the bulls--the -bulls, sir; them's what's making all the noise," replied the fellow, -skewing first one side of the post, then the other, trying to get a view -of his new intruder. - -"You are tight, sir--tight as a peep," continued the watchman. - -"Me tight? No, sir; it's the money-market what's--ti--tight," replied the -gentlemanly dressed individual, though much the worse for bad whiskey. "Go -down Wall Street, and Fisk and Vanderbuilt--all of 'em--will tell you so. -Everybody says money is--hic--tight. I never was more loose in -my--hic--life;" and he demonstrated the assertion by swinging very loosely -around the lamp-post, and falling down. - -"There, you are down. Too drunk to stand up;" and the policeman helped him -to his feet again, and walked him along towards the station. - -"No, sir. There you are wrong again; it's stocks that's down. It's the -stockholders--hic--that's staggering along; they've fallen and skinned -their noses on the curb-stone of adversity. There! don't you see -them--crawling along?" - -"O, you've got the tremens. Come on," exclaimed the policeman. - -"Me? No; it's the shorts and bears what's got the dol--hic--lar--tremens. -I've caught the pan--hics--panics, sir; that's all." - -The policeman thrust the money-maniac into a cell, and the last seen of -him he leaned back against the wall, his feet braced out, while, hatless -and the knot of his cravat round under his left ear, he stood arguing the -money-market with an imaginary broker on the opposite side of his cell. - - -AN "EYE-OPENER." - -"How much do you charge, sir?" asked a poor farmer, from Framingham, of a -city doctor, who had just wiped a bit of dust from the eye of his son. - -"Twenty-five dollars, if you please," was the modest reply. - -"I cannot pay it, sir," said the poor man. "It only took you a half -minute. Our doctor was not at home; but I didn't think you would charge me -much, sir." - -So the M. D. very benevolently (?) accepted ten dollars--all the poor man -had. - -Can you wonder, after reading this statement, the truth of which is easily -avouched for, that this doctor owns a whole block--stores, hotel--and is -immensely rich? - -From the English book "About Doctors," here are three anecdotes:-- - -Radcliffe, the humbug, with a great effort at generosity, had refused his -fees for visiting a poor friend a whole year. On making a final visit, the -gentleman said, presenting a purse,-- - -"Doctor, here I have put aside a fee for every day's visit. Let not your -goodness get the better of your judgment. Take your money." - -The doctor took a look, resolved to carry out his attempt at benevolence, -just touched the purse to restore it to his friend, when he heard "the -chink of gold" within, and--put it into his pocket, saying,-- - -"Singly, I could have refused the fees for a twelvemonth, but -collectively, they are irresistible. Good day, sir;" and the greedy doctor -walked away with a heavier pocket and a lighter heart than he came with. - -On visiting a nobleman, Sir Richard Jebb was paid in hand three guineas -when he, by right, expected five. The doctor purposely dropped the three -gold pieces on the carpet, when the nobleman directed the servant to find -and restore them; but Sir Richard still continued the search after -receiving the three coins. - -"Are they not all found?" inquired the nobleman, looking about. - -"No, there must be two more on the carpet, as I have only three restored," -replied the wily doctor. - -His lordship took the hint, and said, "Never mind; here are two others." - -[Illustration: DEATH'S FEE.] - -This sticking for a fee was all cast into the shade by the act of an -"eminent physician of Bristol." The doctor, entering the bedroom -immediately after the death of his patient, found the right hand clinched -tightly, and, pulling open the fingers of the dead man, the doctor -discovered that the hand contained a guinea. - -"Ah!" exclaimed the doctor to the servant and friends around him, "this -was doubtless intended for me;" and so saying he pocketed the coin. - - "Three hungry travellers found a bag of gold. - One ran into the town where bread was sold. - He thought, 'I will poison the bread I buy, - And seize the treasure when my comrades die.' - But they, too, thought, when back his feet have hied, - We will destroy him, and the gold divide. - They killed him, and, partaking of the bread, - In a few moments all were lying dead. - O world, behold what ill thy goods have done! - Thy gold thus poisoned two and murdered one." - -[Illustration] - - - - -XVII. - -LOVE AND LOVERS. - - "No task is harder than that of writing to the ideas of - another."--JOHNSON. - - _Duke._ "If ever thou shalt love, - In the sweet pangs of it, remember me; - For such as I am all true lovers are; - Unstaid and skittish in all things else, - Save in the constant image of the creature - That is beloved.... - My life upon it, young as thou art, thine eye - Hath stayed upon some face that it loves; - Hath it not, boy?" - - XANTIPPE, BEFORE JEALOUSY.--A FIRST LOVE--BLASTED HOPES.--A DOCTOR'S - STORY.--THE FLIGHT FROM "THE HOUNDS OF THE LAW."--THE EXILE AND - RETURN.--DISGUISED AS A PEDDLER.--ESCAPES WITH HIS LOVE.--ENGLISH - BEAUS.--YOUNG COQUETTES.--A GAY AND DANGEROUS BEAU.--HANDSOME - BEAUS.--LEAP YEAR.--AN OLD BEAU.--BEAUTY NOT ALL-POTENT.--OFFENDED - ROYALTY.--YOUTH AND AGE.--A STABLE BOY.--POET-DOCTOR. - - -An old lady once said, "I've hearn say that doctors either are, or are -not, great experts in love affairs; I've forgotten which." Just so! - -"I would not be a doctor's wife for the world," I have heard many a lady -affirm. True; for few doctors have had the misfortune (or folly) to select -a jealous woman for a life companion. - -Socrates, the great philosopher, and physician of the mind, seems to have -had the ugliest tempered woman in the world, whose very name, _Xantippe_, -has passed into a proverb for a scolding wife; yet she was not jealous of -her spouse, but was said to have sincerely loved him; and he bore her -outbursts of temper only as a great philosopher could, which seemed not to -have disturbed the equanimity of his living nor the humor of his dying. - -"Crito,"--these were his last words,--"Crito, forget not the cock that I -promised to Esculapius!" - -Alas! an affecting satire on philosophy and physic. - -[Illustration: MY FIRST LOVE.] - -No; we find no cases to record of the jealousies of physicians, or their -wives. All the jealousies of the former are spent on their professional -brethren. - -It is a philosophical fact that physicians, of all men, seldom are -involved in disgrace, quarrels, or litigations on account of love affairs. -Yet they have affections, like other men, and above all men know how to -appreciate affection and virtue in woman. - - -FIRST LOVE--BLASTED HOPES. - -I know of a little episode in the early life of a doctor, whose name -modesty forbids me to mention. Let me briefly state it in the first -person. - - Ah, friend, if you and I should meet - Beneath the boughs of the bending lime, - And you in the same low voice repeat - The tender words of the old love-rhyme, - It could not bring back the same old time-- - No, never. - -I was young when I first fell in love,--not above six years of age; but -love is without reason, blind to age. The object of my first affection was -my school-_mischief_, as I then called her, who was about twenty. The -disparagement of years never entered my innocent noddle. I used to start -for school a half hour before nine, and stop on the way at the squire's -house, where Miss ---- boarded. O, with what joy I always met her! In -summer she gave me roses from the beautiful great white rose-bushes in the -squire's front yard; in autumn and winter, splendid red and green apples, -from the orchard and cellar, and candy and kisses at all times. So I fell -desperately in love with her. - -I was greatly shocked, and not a little piqued, when one day she, in cold -blood, bade me good by, and went away with a tall man, with shocking red -whiskers. That is all I remember about him. I, however, mourned her loss -for years, although my appetite remained unimpaired--my parents said. - - "Like a still serpent, basking in the sun, - With subtle eyes, and back of russet gold, - Her gentle tones and quiet sweetness won - A coil upon her victims: fold on fold - She wove around them with her graceful wiles, - Till, serpent-like, she stung amid her smiles." - -The next time I saw her was about ten years afterwards. O, with what -pleasant anticipations I hastened to her house! I remembered her every -look--her fair, intelligent face; her wavy black hair; her heavenly -dark-blue eyes. O, I should know her anywhere! Her I never could forget. - -[Illustration: TEN YEARS LATER.] - -With these thoughts I confidently knocked at the door. "Is Miss ---- at -home?" I inquired of the--servant, I supposed, who opened the door. Just -then three or four dirty-looking little children ran screaming after the -woman, calling out, "Marm, marm!" - -"Hush, children, hush!" said the female, and, turning again to me, said,-- - -"Whom did you inquire for?" pushing back one of the red-headed urchins. - -"Miss Mary ----, ma'am," I answered. "She once lived at Blue Hill." - -She gave a sickly-looking smile. She looked sick before; her cheeks all -fallen in; her skimmed-milk colored eyes had a weary, anxious expression; -and her thin, bony hands, resting on the door-latch, looked like a -consumptive's, as she said,-- - -"When did you know her?" - -"O, but a few years ago, ma'am. Is she here? Does she live in _this -house_?" I eagerly inquired. - -"Well," she replied, with another more sepulchral smile, - -"I was once Miss Mary ----. I married Mr. ---- ----, over ten years ago. -My baby, here,"--presenting the second in size of the children to my view, -a reddish-brown haired girl, quite unlike any one I had ever seen before, -and wiping its nose with her calico apron,--"she is named for me, Mary -----. Won't you come in, sir?" - -No, I thought I would not stop. I didn't stop till I reached the hotel, -where I had begged the stage-driver to wait for me but a half hour before, -while I called upon the lovely Miss Mary ----. - - "O, sunny dreams of childhood, - How soon they pass away! - Like flowers within the wild wood, - They perish and decay." - - -A HANDY DOCTOR. - -A young physician was supposed to be "keepin' company" with a young lady. -The matronly friend of the latter, having praised the young man from all -points of view, returned one day from the death-bed of a friend, at which -the physician had been present. She eulogized the living fully as much as -the dead man, and finally turning to the girl, as if she had reached the -_ne plus ultra_ of enthusiasm, she said, "Jane, he's the handsomest man I -ever see fixin' round a corpse." - - -A DOCTOR'S STORY. - -The writer is acquainted with a young physician, who read medicine with an -old doctor, named Gitchel, or Twichel, of Portland, and commenced practice -in his native village,--a great mistake for any practitioner to make,--and -where he met with consequences natural to even a prophet, opposition and -scandal. By some mistake, or, as his opponents charged, mal-practice, he -lost a patient. Being, a few days later, in a shop in the next village, he -was secretly informed that the "hounds of the law were after him--even at -the next door, that very moment." Terrified beyond necessity, he caught up -his medicine chest, and, climbing out of the back window, fled to the -woods. In the village, at home, he had courted a lovely young girl, with -whom he had exchanged vows. She knew the talk that was going on -respecting the young doctor, but she believed it not, or, believing, -clung the firmer to her pledges. - -[Illustration: FLIGHT OF THE DOCTOR.] - -"After night fell I left the woods, and took to the highway. To go home I -was afraid. O, had I but braved the doctors, and defied the lawyers, all -would have been well," he told me afterwards. "But I had received such ill -treatment, been scandalized so severely, that I was cowed to the earth. I -knew not if my life, my Angie, had also turned against me, when the news -was spread that I had tacitly admitted my crime by fleeing. - -"I went to W., hundreds of miles away. I took a new name, and put out my -shingle. I was at once patronized, and soon extensively; but I was morose -and unhappy. I was offered a home and a wife. I had as good as a wife away -in my far-off home; I was bound to her, and I _loved_ her as I _hated my -own soul_! I dared not write to her, nor go to her. 'O, my God, what shall -I do?' I cried, in my misery. He did not hear me, and I came to believe -that _He was not_! - -"Thus a whole year wore away, and I had not heard from home. Finally, I -determined to make an attempt to see my Angie. I had, after going to W., -allowed my heavy beard to go uncropped, which I had never done at home. I -wore no clothes that I brought away with me from home. I purchased a few -knickknacks, put on a slouched hat, and appeared in my native village as a -peddler. Unless my voice betrayed me, I had no fears of detection. To -prevent this mishap I kept a silver coin in my mouth when talking. - -"I had called at several houses, but could learn nothing of my betrothed, -without fear of exciting suspicion by too close inquiries. I therefore, -unable longer to stand the suspense, entered her father's house. She and -her mother only were at home. I could scarcely suppress my feelings as I -beheld her, the idol of my heart. When I spoke, she started to her feet, -and with staring countenance gazed fixedly upon me. Then she fell back -into her chair. - -[Illustration: FLIGHT OF THE LOVERS.] - -[Illustration: THE LOVER AS A PEDDLER.] - -"My God, she did not know me. - -"The mother noticed how pale the girl looked, and proposed to get her a -drink of water from the porch. - -"'No, no, I am not faint.' - -"'Yes, yes,' I articulated, with the coin in my mouth; 'get her some -water.' - -"Away went the old lady, and, dropping my basket and spitting out the -coin, I cried, 'Angie, Angie, bless you, my darling,' and fell kneeling at -her feet. - -"'O, Charley, it is you,--the Lord be praised!--come at last.' - -"I sprang to my feet. There was time to say no more. The mother returned -and looked wistfully about. - -"'I thought I heard some one saying, "Charley, Charley,"' she said, -presenting the water to Angie, who was now flushed and excited. I was -searching for my coin. - -"'O, the water is warm. Mother, dear, do go to the well in the yard, and -get some fresh; and look to see if there is anybody outside calling.' And -away went the old lady. - -"'Now, Charley, what brought you back? And why did you stay? And--' - -"'Wait, wait. Number nine boots brought me. I've come for you, Angie.' - -"'You will be arrested if you are seen here, I am afraid,' she said. - -"'Then meet me to-night at ---- Crossing, and fly with me.' - -"I then told her how I had lived, how I had suffered, and how much I loved -her; and she consented to marry me, and secretly go away with me. But the -difficulty now lay in getting a lawful man to marry us. The license could -be bought; I was certain of that. So I went away and obtained it. I next -hired a horse and carriage, and paid for it in advance, to go twelve -miles. - -"'Aren't you Charley ----?' asked the stable man, eying me sharply, as I -was about to drive away to get Angie, that night. - -"'Take this,'--and I gave him a gold piece,--'and ask no questions, nor -answer any, till you see your horse and carriage safely back,' was my -reply. - -"As we drove out of the village, I heard wagon wheels far behind us. -Reaching the woods, I drove into a wood road, and the 'hounds of the ---- -doctors' rode fiercely past. Angie trembled for my safety. I reached a -cross road. The moon shone quite brightly, and, jumping from the buggy, I -soon found, by the fresh track, which road they had taken. I took a -different. So I reached a train that night, and rode till morning; arrived -at W. the next, and was married." - -It was at W. that I found him first. He was smart. He had a good memory. -He was a handsome man, full six feet in his stockings. In all, his address -was not excelled by any physician with whom I have ever met. He is now an -excellent physician and surgeon, in a large city, in good practice. When -he returned on a visit to his native village, as he did last year, the -affair had blown over; for after a man is honored abroad, he may become so -at home,--seldom before. I wish him happiness and prosperity. - -"There is no greater rogue than he who marries only for money; no greater -fool than he who marries only for love. I could marry any lady I like, if -I would only take the trouble," Dr. Macilvain heard an old fellow say. Of -course, nobody but a conceited old bachelor would have said that, who -needs a woman to just take some of the self-conceit out of him. - - -ENGLISH DOCTORS AS BEAUS. - -Some of the old English doctors were gay fellows amongst the ladies, -according to the best authorities. Nevertheless, few men have arrived at -eminence in the medical profession who were known to be afflicted with an -overplus of romantic or sentimental qualities in their composition. - -It may be interesting, particularly to ladies, to know that the majority -of those physicians who have arrived at the dignity of knighthood owe -their elevation rather to the smiles of love than the rewards of -professional efforts. "Considering the opportunities that medical men have -for pressing a suit in love, and the many temptations to gentle emotion -that they experience in the aspect of female suffering, and the confiding -gratitude of their fair patients, it is to be wondered at that only one -medical duke is to be found in the annals of the peerage." But the -physician usually has quite sufficient self-control and honor about him, -not only to keep his own tender sensibilities in subjection, but often to -check those of his grateful and emotional female patient. - -Thackeray has said that "girls of rank make love in the nursery, and -practise the arts of coquetry upon the page boy who brings up the coals -and kindlings." - -In this connection Mr. Jeaffreson, whose narratives have the virtue of -being true as well as interesting, says, "I could point to a fair matron -who now enjoys rank and wealth among the highest, who not only aimed -tender glances, and sighed amorously upon a young, waxen-faced, blue-eyed -apothecary, but even went so far as to write him a letter proposing an -elopement, and other merry arrangements, in which a 'carriage and four,' -to speed them over the country, bore a conspicuous part." - -The "silly maiden" had, like Dinah, a "fortune in silver and gold," of -about two hundred and fifty thousand dollars, and her tall, blue-eyed -Adonis, to whom she made this _almost_ resistless proposal, was twice her -age. But he was a gentleman of honor, and, being in the confidence of the -family, he generously, without divulging the mad proposition of the fair -young lady, induced the father to take her to the continent, for a -twelvemonth's change of air and scenery. - -"What a cold-blooded wretch!" will some fair reader exclaim. - -"What a fool he was, to be sure!" says the bachelor fortune-seeker. - -Well, she didn't die for her first unrequited love, but married a "very -great man," and became the mother of several children. And this is the way -the fair heroine of this little story avenged herself upon this "Joseph -amongst doctors." - -Very recently she manifested her good will to the man who had offered her -what is generally regarded as the greatest insult a woman can experience, -by procuring a commission in the army for his eldest son. - -It is interesting to note the various qualities which have attracted the -attention, or love, of different sons of AEsculapius to female beauties. -Sometimes it has been her hair, the "pride of a woman," that was the point -of attraction, as it was with Dr. Mead, "whose highest delight was to comb -the luxuriant tresses of the lady on whom he lavished his affections;" or -the "eyes of heavenly blue," like the lady love's of Dr. Elliot, senior; -or the tiny footprint in the sand, like that which first attracted Dr. -Robert Ames to the woman of his choice. What the point of attraction was -in the man is not easily ascertained. - -A gay and dangerous beau among the "high ladies" was Dr. Hugh Smithson, -the father of James Smithson (his illegitimate son), the founder of the -"Smithsonian Institution" at Washington. Sir Hugh's forte lay in his -remarkably handsome person, said to be only second to Sir Astley Cooper in -beauty of form and features. However, he had the address which secured to -him one of the handsomest and proudest heiresses of England, and this is -how he accomplished it. - -He was but the grandson of a Yorkshire baronet, "with no prospects," and -was apprenticed to an apothecary, and for a long time paid court to mortar -and pestle at Hutton Garden. The story runs, that the handsome doctor had -been mittened by a "belle of private rank and modest wealth," and that -the only child and heiress of Seymour, Duke of Somerset, and an -acquaintance of Sir Hugh's, heard of his rejection, when she publicly -observed that "the beauty who had disdained such a man was guilty of a -folly that no other woman in England would have been." - -Sir Hugh would have been unwise not to have taken this broad hint, and he -did what none of the heiress's suitors, even of high rank, had yet aspired -to,--proposed, and was accepted. Sixteen years later he was created Duke -of Northumberland, and could well afford to laugh in his sleeve at the -proposition that "his coronet should be surrounded with _senna_ leaves, -instead of strawberry," since he had reached a rank that no other M. D. -had previously done, and possessed the "_loveliest woman in England_," and -a great fortune, to boot. - -Lord Glenbervie, who from the druggist's counter reached the peerage, was -taunted by Sheridan with his plebeian origin, from which a patrician wife -had redeemed him, in the following amusing verse:-- - - "Glenbervie, Glenbervie! - What's good for the scurvy? - But why is the doctor forgot? - In his arms he should quarter - A pestle and mortar, - For his crest an immense gallipot." - -Sir John Elliot was another handsome doctor of that period, who, -notwithstanding his being disliked by King George, could, with small -effort and large impudence, "capture the hearts of half the prettiest -women amongst the king's subjects, and then shrug his shoulders with -chagrin at his success." "One lady, the daughter of a nobleman, ignorant -that he was otherwise occupied, made him an offer, and on learning, to her -surprise and mortification, that he was already married, vowed she would -not rest till she had assassinated his wife." - -Dr. Arbuthnot, whose courtly address, sparkling wit, ready flow of -language, innate cordiality, and polished manners made him a great -favorite about London, was one of the finest looking gentlemen of his -time. The doctor was contemporary with Dean Swift, with whom he used to -enjoy flirtations with the queen's maids of honor about St. James. - -"Arm in arm with the dean, he used to peer about St. James, jesting, -laughing, causing matronly dowagers to smile at 'that dear Mr. Dean,' and -young girls, out for their first season at court, green and -unsophisticated, to blush with annoyance at his coarse, shameless -badinage,--bowing to this great man, from whom he hoped for countenance; -staring insolently at that one, from whom he expected nothing; quoting -Martial to the prelate, who could not understand Latin; whispering French -to a youthful diplomatist, who knew no tongue but English; and continually -angling for the bishopric, which he never got." - -From flattering court beauties, Arbuthnot became flatterer to the gouty, -hypochondriacal old queen. But wine and women made sad havoc with poor -Arbuthnot, who died in very straitened circumstances. - -Dr. Mead, before mentioned, was twice married. He was fifty-one years old -when married the second time, to a baronet's daughter. Fortunate beyond -fortunate men, he had the great _mis_-fortune of outliving his usefulness. -His sight failed, and his powers underwent that gradual decay which is the -saddest of all possible conclusions to a vigorous and dignified existence. -Even his valets domineered over him. Long before this his second -childhood, he excited the ridicule of the town by his vanity and absurd -pretensions as a "lady-killer." - -"The extravagances of his amorous senility were not only whispered about, -but some contemptible fellow seized upon the unpleasant rumors, and -published them in a scandalous novelette, wherein the doctor was -represented as a 'Cornuter of seventy-five,' when, to please the damsel -who 'warmed his aged heart,'--she was a blacksmith's daughter,--the -doctor, long past threescore and ten, went to Paris, and learned to -dance." - -[Illustration: AN AGED PUPIL.] - -Dr. Richard Mead died aged eighty-one. The sale of his library, pictures, -and statues brought the heirs eighty thousand dollars. His other effects -amounted to one hundred and seventy-five thousand dollars. - -Another Dr. Mead, uncle to the above, lived to the age of one hundred and -forty-nine years. Both of these physicians were remarkable for their -kindness and liberality. The latter left five pounds a year to the poor, -to continue forever. - - -BEAUTY NOT POTENT WITH LADIES. - -A handsome person is not alone requisite to win the affections of a -sensible lady. Radcliffe, who was as great a humbug in affairs matrimonial -as in all other matters, was represented as being "handsome and imposing -in person;" but his overbearing manner, and his coarse flings at the -softer sex, made him anything but a favorite with the ladies. While he -professed to be a misogynist, he made several unsuccessful attempts, -particularly late in life, to commit himself to matrimony. - -A lady, with "a singing noise in her head," asked what she should do for -it. "Curl your hair at night with a ballad," was the coarse reply. - -Once, when sitting over a bottle of wine at a public house, Queen Anne -sent her servant for Dr. Radcliffe to hasten to her Royal Highness, who -was taken suddenly ill with what was vulgarly called "the blue devils," to -which gormandizers are subject, but more properly termed indigestion. -"When the wine is in, the wits are out," was readily demonstrated in this -case; for, on a second messenger arriving from the queen for her physician -to make all haste, Radcliffe banged his fist down on the board, at which -other physicians also sat, and exclaimed,-- - -"Go tell her Royal Highness that she has nothing but the vapors." - -When, on the following morning, the process being reversed,--the "wine was -out, and wits were in"--the doctor presented himself, with pomp and a show -of dignity, at St. James', judge of his mortification, when the -chamberlain stopped him in the anteroom, and informed him that he was -already succeeded by Dr. Gibbons. - -The queen never forgave him for saying she had the "vapors." Radcliffe -never forgave Dr. Gibbons for superseding him. "Nurse Gibbons," he would -bitterly exclaim, "is only fit to look after nervous women, who only fancy -sickness." - -When the doctor was forty-three years of age, he made love to a lady of -half his years, and followed with an offer of marriage, which was -accepted. As the fact became public, the doctor was warmly congratulated -upon his good fortune, for the lady was not only young, but was a beauty, -and an heiress to seventy-five thousand dollars. - -The wedding day was set, which was to crown Radcliffe's happiness, when a -little drawback arose, which was not previously mentioned in the bills. -The peculiar condition of the beauty's health rendered it expedient that, -instead of the doctor, she should marry her father's book-keeper. - -The doctor's acetous temper towards the fair sex was not lessened by this -mishap, nor were the ladies backward in giving him an occasional reminder -of the fact. Nevertheless, unlike the burnt child, that avoided the fire, -Radcliffe, sixteen years afterwards, made a second conspicuous throw of -the dice. He was then about sixty. He came out with a new and elegant -equipage, employed the most fashionable tailors, hatters, and wig-makers, -"who arrayed him in the newest modes of foppery, which threw all London -into fits of laughter, while he paid his addresses, with the greatest -possible publicity, to a lady who possessed every requisite charm,--youth, -beauty, and wealth,--except a tenderness for her aged suitor. - -"Behold, love has taken the place of avarice [the affair was thus aired in -a public print]; "or, rather, is become avarice of another kind, which -still urges him to pursue what he does not want. But behold the -metamorphosis! The anxious, mean cares of a usurer are turned into the -languishments and complaints of a lover. 'Behold,' says the aged -AEsculapian, 'I submit; I own, great Love, thy empire. Pity, Hebe, the fop -you have made. What have I to do with gilding but on pills? Yet, O Fate, -for thee I sit amidst a crowd of painted deities on my chariot, buttoned -in gold, clasped in gold, without having any value for that beloved -metal, but as it adorns the hat, person, and laces of the dying lover. I -ask not to live, O Hebe! Give me gentle death. Euthanasia, Euthanasia! -That is all I implore.' - -"O Wealth, how impotent art thou, and how little dost thou supply us with -real happiness, when the usurer himself cannot forget thee for the love of -what is foreign to his felicity, as thou art!" - -Although Radcliffe denied his own sisters during his life, "lest they -should show their affection for him by dipping their hands in his -pockets," some stories of his benevolence are told, one of which is, that -finding one Dr. James Drake, when "each had done the utmost to injure the -other," broken down and in distressed circumstances, he sent by a lady -fifty guineas to his unfortunate enemy, saying,-- - -"Let him by no means learn who sent it. He is a gentleman who has often -done his best to hurt me, and would by no means accept a benefit from one -whom he had striven to make an enemy." - - -A STABLE-BOY, POET, AND DOCTOR. - -Poor George Crabbe, the poet-doctor-apothecary, had a very hard time in -this cold, unappreciative world, until Love smiled upon his unhappy lot. -He was born in the old sea-side town of Aldoborough, where his father was -salt inspector,--not an over-lucrative office in those days. George was -the eldest of a numerous family. - -From the common school he went to apprenticeship with a rough old country -doctor, who lodged him with the stable-boy. From this indignity he was, -however, soon released, and went to live with a kind gentleman, a surgeon -of Woodbridge. Here he began to write poetry. Here, also, he became -acquainted with a young surgeon, named Leavett, who introduced Crabbe to a -lovely young lady, with whom he fell desperately in love. - -This inestimable young lady resided at Parham Lodge with her uncle, John -Tovell, yeoman, and her name was Sarah Elmy. Mr. Tovell possessed an -estate worth four thousand dollars per annum, and, without assuming any -"airs," was a first-class "yeoman" of that period--"one that already began -to be styled, by courtesy, an esquire." - -"On Crabbe's first introduction to Parham Lodge, he was received with -cordiality; but when it became known that he had fallen in love with the -squire's niece, it was only natural that his presumption should at first -meet with the disapproval of Mrs. Tovell and the squire." - -[Illustration: BIRTHPLACE OF GEORGE CRABBE.] - -After closing his term of apprenticeship with Dr. Page, young Crabbe -returned to his native village, where he furnished a little shop with "a -pound's worth of drugs," and an array of empty bottles, and set himself up -as an apothecary. His few patients were only amongst the poorer class of -the town. Although he had plighted troth with the lovely Sarah at Parham -Lodge, with starvation staring him in the face at Aldoborough, and the -opposition of the lady's family at the Lodge, there was little prospect -of bettering his condition in life. The temporary military appointments -which he received brought him no nearer his desired object. The lady -remained true to her vows; and long after his friend Leavett had quitted -the shores of time, and his new and true friend Burke had extended to the -promising author his patronage, she received the reward for her faithful -waiting. - -The union of Crabbe with Miss Elmy conferred eventually upon the poet, -doctor, and apothecary, the possession of the estate of "yeoman" -Tovell--Parham Lodge. A maiden sister of the squire's, dying, left him a -considerable sum of money. The loving, waiting Sarah proved a faithful, -though some might say a somewhat domineering, wife, as the following -quotation intimates:-- - -"I can screw Crabbe up or down, just like an old fiddle," this amiable -woman was wont to say; and throughout her life she amply demonstrated the -assertion. - -"But her last will and testament was a handsome apology for all her past -little tiffs." - - -THE RIGHT MAN. - -A curious story is told, and vouched for, respecting the manner in which -Dr. and Rev. Thomas Dawson obtained a rich and pious wife. This gentleman -combined the two professions of preacher and doctor. If, during divine -services, he was called upon to prescribe for an invalid, he wound up his -sermon, requested his audience to pray for the sick, and repaired -forthwith to administer to the body. I presume the congregation to whom -the reasonable request was made did not take it in the same light as did -an "M. D." of whom we heard, who made a point to be called out of church -every Sabbath. - -Once the minister, who had a bit of humor in his manner, stopped on a -certain occasion in his "thirdly," and said, "Dr. B. is wanted to attend -upon Mr. ----, and may the Lord have mercy upon him." - -The doctor was so enraged at this "insinuation" that he called upon the -parson, and demanded an "apology to the congregation, before whom he felt -he had been grossly slandered." - -The parson agreed to this proposal, and in the afternoon he arose and -said,-- - -"As Dr. B. feels aggrieved at my remark of this morning, and demands an -apology, I hereby offer the same; and as that was the first case, I trust -it may be the last in which I am ever called upon in his behalf to -supplicate divine intervention." - -But to return to Dr. Dawson. Amongst his patients was a Miss Mary Corbett, -said to be one of the wealthiest and most pious of his flock, whom, on his -calling upon her one day, he found bending in reverence over the Bible. - -The doctor approached, and as she raised her eyes to his she held her -finger upon the passage which occupied her immediate attention. The doctor -bent down and read the words at which her finger pointed--"Thou art the -man." - -The doctor was not slow to take the hint. Thus he obtained a pious wife, -she a devout husband.--_See "Book About Doctors."_ - -A great deal has been reported respecting the "off-hand" manner in which -Abernethy "popped the question" to Miss Anne Threlfall. The fact of the -case is given by Dr. Macilwain. The lady was visiting at a place where the -doctor was attending a patient--of all places the best to learn the true -merits of a lady. He was at once interested in her, and ere long there -seemed a tacit understanding between them. "The doctor was shy and -sensitive; which was the real Rubicon he felt a difficulty in passing; and -this was the method he adopted: he wrote her a brief note, pleading -professional occupation, etc., and requesting the lady to take a -fortnight in which to consider her reply." From these facts a great -falsehood has oft been repeated how he "couldn't afford time to make -love," etc., and that she must decide to marry him in a week, or not at -all. - -He was married to her January 9, 1800, and attended lectures the same day. - -[Illustration: "POPPING THE QUESTION."] - -"Many years after, I met him coming out of the hospital, and said,-- - -"'You are looking very gay to-day, sir.' - -"'Yes,' he replied, looking at his white vest and smart attire, 'one of -the girls was married this morning.' - -"'Indeed, sir? You should have given yourself a holiday on such an -occasion, and not come down to lecture.' - -"'Nay,' he replied, 'egad, I came down to lecture the same day I was -married myself.'"--_Memoirs of Abernethy._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -XVIII. - -MIND AND MATTER. - - "The evidence of sense is the first and highest kind of evidence of - which human nature is capable."--WILKINS. - - "They choose darkness rather than light because their deeds are - evil."--SCRIPTURE. - - IN WHICH ANIMAL MAGNETISM, MESMERISM, AND CLAIRVOYANCE ARE - EXPLAINED.--"THE IGNORANT MONOPOLY."--YET ROOM FOR DISCOVERIES.--A - "GASSY" SUBJECT.--DRS. CHAPIN AND BEECHER.--HE "CAN'T SEE IT."--THE - ROYAL TOUCH.--GASSNER.--"THE DEVIL KNOWS LATIN."--ROYALTY IN THE - SHADE.--THE IRISH PROPHET; HE VISITS LONDON.--A COMICAL - CROWD.--MESMERISM.--A FUNNY BED-FELLOW.--CLAIRVOYANCE.--THE GATES OF - MOSCOW.--THE DOCTOR OF ANTWERP.--THE OLD LADY IN THE - POKE-BONNET.--VISIT TO A CLAIRVOYANT.--"FORETELLING" THE PAST.--THE - OLD WOMAN OF THE PENOBSCOT MOUNTAINS.--A SECRET KEPT.--CUI - BONO?--VISITS TO SEVENTEEN CLAIRVOYANTS.--A BON-TON CLAIRVOYANT.--A - BOUNCER.--RIDICULOSITY. - - -Mind and matter! - -What is the connection? - -Why does one's yawning set a whole room full to yawning? - -What is the unseen power, appropriated mostly by the ignorant, which at -times controls another weaker mind, or, for the time being, controls -disease? The majority of medical men "get around" this question by denying -the whole proposition. But that does not satisfy the jury--the people. The -great community know that there is some unseen power, which is partially -developed in certain persons, which has great controlling influence over -certain other persons; hence over their diseases, especially mental or -nervous diseases. - -I hope to be able to explain something of this "phenomenon." - -Those who practise it know nothing of its _modus operandi_, any more than -the bird that sings on yonder willow knows of the science of music. - -To the common suggestion, "It's spirits," I say, No, _no_! - -If it were "spirits," why does the spirit always seek a _low organization_ -through which to manifest itself? There are few exceptions to this rule. - -It is unnatural, inconsistent with the divine attributes for the -supernatural to mingle with the natural. The circulation of the blood was -once attributed to the action of the sun--hence a man fell asleep at -sunset--and to supernatural causes. - -Science has done away with these absurd notions. - -"It is a manifestation of divine power," say others. - -Well, for that matter, everything is; but _directly_ it is not, for what -answers the "spirit" suggestion answers this one also. Divine power cannot -be limited. - -For want of a better name, let us call this power "animal magnetism." - -The man who controls the mind of another, or another's disease, through -his mind, must possess the following requisites: First, health; second, -will; third, faith that he can control the subject. No _reasoning_ is -necessary. The less causality he possesses, the better. The less reasoning -faculties, the better he can perform. - -Why? - -Animal magnetism is an animal power--not a spiritual. All the animal -qualities--organs--are located in the back and lower part of the brain. -They act independent of reason. Passions have no reason. The affections -have no reason. Anger and hate have none. The force, driving power of -man is centred back of the ears. The cerebellum, or lower brain, acts -independent of reason. Birds, and most of the animals, possess all the -qualities that the cerebellum of man contains. - -The upper brain--the cerebrum--is the instrument of our thoughts--our -reason. In sleep, it is still; its action is suspended. Hence there is no -reason in our dreams. The motive power is in the lower brain; hence -somnambulism. If there is anything of a "trance" nature, it means shutting -off the action of the cerebrum, and concentring the power in the -cerebellum. Some persons have but little upper brain. If they have the -other requisites, they may become good clairvoyants, or magnetizers, -according to the manner in which they exercise the animal power. - -I have yet to find a professional clairvoyant with large or active -reasoning (intellectual) qualities. - - -YET ROOM FOR MORE DISCOVERIES. - -The _living_ blood has not yet been analyzed. It contains a vitalizing -element which chemistry has not yet been adequate to detect. There is yet -as much to be discovered in the science of life as has already been -revealed to man. It will yet be found out. - -How is the power, or force, conveyed from the operator to the person -operated upon? Through what medium does it act? - -Let us begin with the brain. Let us take a ball of cotton for our -illustration. We draw out a piece from it, and spin it out to our fancy. -It is a thread, but _cotton_ still, twisted to a fine string. The brain is -located at the top of man. By means of fine threads, called nerves, the -brain is distributed over the entire body, so completely that you cannot -stick a pin in the flesh without touching a nerve, wounding the brain. -Suspend the entire action of the brain, as by ether, chloroform, or -nitrous oxygen gas, and sticking the pin is not felt. Partially suspend -the action, as by a small quantity of the nitrous oxygen gas, and the -force of the brain (or active force) is centred upon the lower brain, and -the man under its influence acts out his animal nature in spite of reason. - -A man, I hold, who magnetizes or mesmerizes another, uses only the force -of the lower brain. Like begets like. He cannot affect a person of large -intellectual organs; only one with the animal organs active. - -You cannot _see_ the gas, yet it affects the person. You cannot see the -subtile power conveyed from one man to a weaker. He conveys it by -touch--nerve to nerve. I believe science will yet discover just what this -subtile agent is--both in the blood and nerves; for it is in both, or why -does the suspension of it in one destroy the other? Destroy the nerve, and -the corresponding blood-vessel is inactive. Destroy the blood-vessel, and -the corresponding nerve suffers. - -It is the power that the mother exercises to hush her sobbing babe to -slumber. As the child gathers strength of mind, she loses that control. A -person may be used as a mesmeric subject until he becomes a mere idiotic -machine. Educate a clairvoyant doctor, and what becomes of his clairvoyant -power? It is lost with the increase of intellectual power. Now, is this a -"divine" quality, that only ignorance can make use of? Is it really -"hidden from the wise and prudent, and given to babes?" All sciences were -practised by the uneducated first, before being reduced to a _science_. I -think this will be yet reduced to a useful science. As it now stands, it -is useless. If it is a spirit power, the spirits are mighty silent as to -the fact. - -We come into this world by natural causes. We live, grow, exist, and we -die by natural causes. We brought no knowledge with us; we carry none out. -All the qualities yet developed in man are natural, and adapted to this -life. Millions upon millions have so lived and so died, and a spirit -power in _this_ world is no nearer to being established than it was when -Adam was a little boy. All that heretofore has been attributed to spirit, -or supernatural causes, has been proven to be but natural. I claim that -magnetism and the undiscovered sciences are natural, and have no -connection with the next world, to which we tend. The human eye, to some -extent, is magnetic. A blind man cannot thrill an audience; hardly can an -orator with glasses over his eyes. Dr. Chapin approaches the nearest to -it. Dr. Beecher's great magnetic power is in his eyes, and is also let off -at the ends of his fingers. But to _thoroughly_ magnetize a person, he -must be _touched_. - - -POWER OF THE HUMAN EYE. - -A wild animal has only small reasoning organs. The influence of the human -eye is potent over him. Lichtenstein says, "The African hunters avail -themselves of the circumstance that the lion does not attempt to spring -upon his prey until he has measured the ground, and has reached the -distance of ten or twelve paces, when he lies crouching on the ground, -gathering himself up for the effort. The hunters," he says, "make it a -rule never to fire on the lion until he lies down at this short distance, -so that they can aim directly at his head with the most perfect certainty. -If one meets a lion, his only safety is to stand still, though the animal -crouches to make his spring; that spring will not be hazarded if the man -remain motionless, and look him steadfastly in the eyes. The animal -hesitates, rises, slowly retreats some steps, looks earnestly about him, -lies down, again retreats, till, getting by degrees quite out of the magic -circle of man's influence, he takes flight in the utmost haste." - -It is said of Valentine Greatrakes, the great magnetizer and forerunner of -Mesmer, that the glance of his eye had a marvellously fascinating -influence upon people of a susceptible or nervous organization. All -magnetizers, etc., who have tried their powers upon the writer, first -bent a sharp, scrutinizing gaze upon the eye of their unruly subject. Yet -they have exercised no _reason_ in selecting the subject. - -[Illustration: THE LION MAGNETIZED.] - -I attended the exhibitions of Professor Cadwell, night after night, in -Boston. I went on the stage. I examined the subjects whom he controlled -"like an old fiddle," and, physiognomically and phrenologically, not one -of them was above mediocrity intellectually, and the most of them were far -below. The best subjects had the least intellectuality. His control over -them was astonishing. In some he could suspend the power of memory, others -all the reasoning faculties. Some he could control muscularly, some -mentally. - -"This is a hot stove," he said, setting an empty chair before the row of -men, boys, and girls sitting along the wall side of the stage. "_It is -very hot_;" and they began drawing back--all but one. "Don't you see the -stove, and feel the awful heat, Frank?" he asked of one hard subject. - -[Illustration: A HARD SUBJECT.] - -"I can feel the heat, but I can't see the stove in that chair," was his -droll reply. - -The professor could make this gentleman forget his name, but could not -make him believe that "a silk hat was a basin of water." - - -THE ROYAL TOUCH. - -The old ignorant kings and queens were said to remove the scrofula (king's -evil) by the touch. Gouty old Queen Anne was the last to exercise the -royal prerogative to any extent. - -A scrofulous _development_ is the result of imperfect action, and -obstruction of some one or more of the five excretory organs of the human -system. These are the skin (or glands of the same), the lungs, the liver, -the kidneys, and the colon. The most that the regular physician does in -scrofula (or one who is not a specialist in this branch of physic) is to -attend to the general health of the patient of a scrofulous diathesis, -build up the strength, and endeavor to increase the vitality. This _in a -measure_ tends to reduce the scrofulous development. Now, will not a child -sleeping continually with an aged person or invalid tend to reduce the -vitality of the child? Yes, it absorbs the disease of the one, while the -vitality is thrown off for the benefit of the weaker person. Here, you -see, one person may partake of the vitality of another by touch. Then may -not the continued touch of a healthy person (king or subject) affect the -health of a weaker, on the principle of increased vitality? - -But it really removes no cause, hence cannot take the place of an -alterative, or anti-scrofulous medicine. The "crew of wretched souls" who -waited the king's touch really believed that he "solicits Heaven." Hence -the cure. The coin which he hung about the neck of these "strangely -visited people, all swollen and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye," called -their attention continually to "the healing benediction." - -Pyrrhus, who was placed upon the throne by force of arms B. C. 306, was -said to cure the "evil" by the "grace of God." Valentine, who only held -his throne--A. D. 375--by the help of Theodosius, not by the "grace of -God"--claimed to cure scrofula by the latter power, as did Valentine II., -whose wicked temper ended his life in a "fit of passion." - -The subject of the following sketch claimed also divine power:-- - - -HERR GASSNER. "THE DEVIL UNDERSTANDS LATIN." - -It seems from the following truthful account of Herr Gassner, a clergyman -at Elwangen, that the devil can understand Latin, as well as "quote -Scripture." About the year 1758 this clergyman became so celebrated in -curing diseases by animal magnetism, that the people came flocking from -Switzerland, the Tyrol, and Swabia, in great numbers, to be cured of -all sorts of ailments, a thousand persons arriving at a time, who had to -lodge in tents, as the town could not lodge them all. - -[Illustration: GASSNER HEALING "BY THE GRACE OF GOD."] - -His _modus operandi_ was as follows. Dressed in a long scarlet cloak, a -silken sash about his loins, a chain about his neck, and wearing, or -holding in one hand, a crucifix, and touching with the other the diseased -part, and in the Latin tongue commanding the disease, or the evil spirit, -whichever the case was termed, to depart, in the name of Jesus Christ, the -patient was usually healed. Dr. Schlisel says, that Gassner "spoke chiefly -in Latin, in his operations, and the devil is said to have understood him -perfectly." - -The Austrian government gave him its assistance. The excitement became -great. Elwangen was overcrowded by people, rich and poor. Riches flowed -into the coffers of its trades-people, though Gassner took nothing -directly for his cures. Hundreds of patients arrived daily; the apothecary -gained a great revenue from dispensing simples ordered by Gassner, -principally powder of _blessed thistle_, oils, and washes. The printers -labored day and night at their presses in order to furnish sufficient -pamphlets, prayers, pictures, etc., for the eager horde of admirers. The -goldsmiths were crowded, also, to furnish all kinds of _Agni Dei_, -crosses, charms, hearts, and rings. Even the beggars had their harvest, as -well as bakers, hotel-keepers, and the rest. - -During seven years he carried on his public cures. Hundreds of physicians -went to see him. Mesmer, in answer to the inquiry of the Elector of -Bavaria, declared his astonishing cures were produced merely by the -exercise of magnetic spiritual excitement, of which he himself (claiming -no God-like power) gave to the elector convincing proofs on the spot. - -On the contrary, Gassner claimed that he could heal none unless they -exercised faith. His surroundings, trappings, dress, crucifixes, appeals -to Jesus Christ, and Latin mummery, had the effect to impress the patient -with faith in Gassner's Christ-like powers. - -"Some," says Dr. Schlisel, "described him as a prophetic and holy man; -others accused him of being a fantastic fellow, an impostor, and leagued -with the devil. Some accused him of dealing in the black art; others -attributed his cures to the magnet, to electricity, to sympathy, to -imagination; and some attributed the whole to the omnipotent power of the -name of Christ." - -Having touched or rubbed the affected part of the patient, Gassner, in a -"loud, proud voice," commanded the disease to come forth, or to manifest -itself. Sometimes he had to repeat this command ten times. Then, when the -part was presented, he seized it with both hands; he inspired the patient -to himself repel the disease, by saying, "Depart from me, in the name of -Jesus Christ." - -"He then gave the patient his blessing by spreading his cloak over the -head, grasping his neck or head in both hands, repeating a silent, earnest -prayer, making the sign of the cross, ordering some simple from the -apothecary's, which he consecrates, compels the patient to wash his hands -clean, when he is permitted to 'depart in peace.' - -"Most diseases he cured instantly. Some required months, and others he -could not affect in the least." - -There is but one philosophical way to account for these cures. To say -there is nothing in it, or, "It is all humbug," will not satisfy the -people. To affirm it is the arts of the devil is merely nonsensical. It is -_influence_. Of what? Of one powerful mind over another. And when Gassner -found a mind equally as powerful as his own, the disease refused to -depart. There you have the whole of it, "in a nutshell,"--the exercising -of one mind over another; and mind (not unusually) controls matter in the -living body. - -For about seven years Gassner was a public healer, and then he suddenly -and forever disappeared. - - -ROYALTY IN THE SHADE. - -Sir John Fortesque, the learned legal writer of the time of Edward IV., -spoke of the gift of healing by touch as a "time immemorial privilege of -the kings of England." He very seriously attributed the virtue to the -unction imparted to the hands in the coronation. Elizabeth was not -superior to this superstition, and she frequently appeared before the -people in the character of a miraculous healer. There was formerly a -regular office in the English Book of Common Prayer for the performance of -this ceremony. The curious reader is referred to Macbeth, Scene III. of -Act IV. for further particulars. - -With the rise of Valentine Greatrakes, the "royal prerogative" received a -staggering blow. The marvellous cures of this man, living in Ireland, -reached England, and the king invited him to come to London; and along his -journey, whither he was preceded by the returning messenger, we are told -that the magistrates of the towns and cities waited upon Valentine, and -begged him to remain and heal their sick. - -On his arrival, the king, "though not fully persuaded of his wonderful -gift, recommended him to the care of his physician, and permitted him to -practise his power as much as he pleased in London." - -Greatrakes had no medical education, nor claimed aught beyond a gift of -healing most diseases by "stroking the parts with his hand." He is -described as being a man of "commanding address, frank and pleasing, -having a brilliant eye, gallant bearing, fine figure, and a remarkably -handsome face. With a hearty and musical voice, and a natural stock of -high _animal_ spirits, he was the delight of all festive assemblies. Yet -he was a devout man." - -Daily there assembled a great number of people, invalids from all parts of -the kingdom, to be healed, and to see the wonderful miracles performed by -a _man_! Here congregated the dropsical, those afflicted by unsightly -sores, tumors, and swellings, the lame, the halt, and the blind. "Some he -could not affect, but the most of them he cured." The only visible means -he took was to stroke, or at times violently rub, the part affected. Lord -Conway wrote in his praise, but added, "After all, I am far from thinking -his cures miraculous. I believe it is by a _sanative virtue_ and a -_natural efficiency_, which extend not to all diseases." The Viscountess -Conway was afflicted by an inveterate headache, which he could not remove. -This lady was a positive character. The failure was attributed to the -_peculiar_ disease, when it should have been assigned to the peculiarity -of the person. Sir Evremond, then at court, wrote a sarcastic novel on the -subject of "The Irish Prophet." The Royal Society held a meeting on the -subject, and, unable to refute the facts of his cures, accounted for them -as being "produced by a sanative contagion in Mr. Greatrakes' body, which -had an antipathy to some peculiar diseases, and not to others." They -demanded (particularly Dr. Loyd, in a "severe pamphlet") how he cured, and -why he cured some, and could not others. Greatrakes replied that he was -not able to tell. And "let them," he said, "tell me what substance that is -which removes and goes out with such expedition, and it will be more easy -to resolve their questions." - -To the scandalous reports respecting his operations upon female patients, -without referring directly to such report, he says, attributing the -diseases to evil spirits, "which kind of pains cannot endure my hand, nay, -not with gloves, but fly immediately, though six or eight coats or cloaks -be between the person and my hand, as at the Lady Ranelagh's," etc. - -The clergy had previously taken alarm, and cited Valentine before the -Bishop's Court to account for his proceedings, and when he took a -scriptural view of his cures, he was forbidden to practise more; which was -as preposterous as the decree of Louis XIV., which commanded that no more -miracles should be performed at the tomb of the Abbe Paris. - -Neither the clergy nor the faculty could prevent him, and daily the crowd -of representatives of heterogeneous diseases made pilgrimages to the -Squire of Affam. The scene was said to be ludicrously painful. They came -in crowds from everywhere; on foot and in carriages; the young and the -aged; some hobbling upon crutches, others literally crawling along; the -blind carrying the cripple upon his back, while the latter directed the -way, and the deaf and dumb followed in their wake. - -[Illustration: NO LACK OF PATIENTS.] - -While the lord mayor and the chief justice, with great physicians, were -among his vehement supporters of the sterner sex, the majority of his real -admirers were the ladies. The lovely Countess of Devonshire entertained -him in her palace, and other high ladies lionized him nightly in their -parlors, where he "performed his pleasant operations, with wonderful -results, on the prettiest and most hysterical ladies present." "But his -triumph was of short duration. His professions were made the butts of -ridicule, to which his presence of mind and volubility were unable to -effectually respond. His tone of conversation was represented by his -enemies as compounded of the blasphemy of the religious enthusiast and the -obscene profligate. His boast that he never received a fee for remedial -services was met by a square contradiction, and a statement that he -received five hundred dollars at once." Finally, the tide of opposition -and slander became too strong for him, and he returned to his native land, -and to oblivion. - -We are indebted to several authorities for the foregoing sketch of -Greatrakes, particularly Chambers' Miscellany, Lord Conway, E. Rich, and -Jeaffreson. - - -MESMERISM. - -Frederick Anthony Mesmer, to whose name the above _ism_ is affixed, was -born in Werseburg, in 1734. He neither discovered, developed, nor -understood anything of the art which has immortalized him. He was a -designing, audacious man. If Gassner, Prince Hohenloe, and Greatrakes were -falsely accused of dealing with the devil, Mesmer was truly leagued with a -Father Hell. Father Hell was professor of astronomy at Vienna, where -Mesmer obtained a medical diploma, and where he was connected at first -with Maximilian Hell in magnetic instruments. Having a falling out with -the latter, Mesmer resorted to the arts of his great predecessor, -Greatrakes, but professed to cure, without the help of God or man, all -curable diseases. He produced marvellous effects (but only temporary, -however) in both Vienna and Paris, to which latter place he repaired to -practise animal magnetism. - -Among the little episodes relative to his treatment is one of Madame -Campan, a lady of the royal household, author of "Memoires de Marie -Antoinette." The husband of this celebrated lady sent for Dr. Mesmer--for -all Paris was running mad after him--to cure him of lung fever. He came -with great pomp, and having timed the pulse, and made certain inquiries -respecting the case, he gravely informed the husband and wife that it was -not in the way of magnetism, and the only mode of cure lay in the -following: "You must lay by his side"--for he was confined to his -bed--"one of three things, an old empty bottle, a black hen, or a young -woman of brown complexion." - -[Illustration: "A BOTTLE, A HEN, OR A WOMAN."] - -"'Sir,' exclaimed the wife, 'let us try the empty bottle first.' - -"The bottle was tried, with what result is easily imagined. Monsieur -Campan grew worse. Improving the opportunity of the lady's absence, Mesmer -bled and blistered the patient, who recovered. - -"Imagine the lady's astonishment when Mesmer asked for and actually -obtained a written certificate of cure by magnetism" (Mesmerism). - -This is more easily believed when one learns that Mesmer obtained his -degree on an address, or thesis, relating to "planetary influence on the -human body," and that afterwards, in answer to the inquiry by a learned -Paris physician, who asked him why he ordered his patients to bathe in the -Seine, instead of spring water, as the waters of the Seine were always -dirty, Mesmer replied,-- - -"Why, my dear doctor, the cause of the water which is exposed to the sun's -rays being superior to all other water is, that it is magnetized by the -sun. I myself magnetized the sun some twenty years ago." - -All that sort of fellows have ever a short course. Mesmer reached his -zenith in Paris about the year 1784, when, for one year's practice, he -received the enormous sum of four hundred thousand francs. The government, -at the instigation of Count Maurepas, had previously offered him an -annuity of twenty thousand francs, with ten thousand francs additional, to -support a college hospital, if he would remain and practise only in -France. "One unpleasant condition was attached to this offer, which -prevented its acceptance; viz., three nominees of the crown were to watch -the proceedings." - -The government appointed a commission, consisting of Dr. Guillotin, and -three other physicians, and five members of the Academy,--Franklin, -Bailly, Borey, Leroi, and Lavoisier,--to examine the means employed by -Mesmer. The result of the investigation--the discovery of his battery, -which he termed the _baquet_, around which his patients assembled, and his -windy pretensions to the self-possession of some animal magnetism beyond -even his disciples, Bergasse and Deslon--was unfavorable to the truth of -animal magnetism and morality, and the enthusiasm in his favor rapidly -subsided. Mesmer soon found it convenient to repair to London. Here he -made no great impression; his day had gone by. - -He died in his native town, in all but penury and obscurity, in 1815. - -Clairvoyance now made its appearance, which was but a different phase of -magnetism, and Mesmerism was soon but indifferently practised in France. -In England the faculty entirely ignored it. - - -CLAIRVOYANCE. - -What is it? The word is French, meaning, literally, clear-sightedness. It -is a power attributed to certain persons, or claimed by certain persons, -of seeing things not visible to the eye, or things at a distance. It is -the action of mind over mind,--the seeing, mentally, of one mind through -another. - -By personal experiment with clairvoyants, I am positively convinced that -they follow the mind (thoughts) of the subject or patient. I have laid out -my programme before visiting one, and the operator, whether pretending or -not to a "trance" state, has followed that course to the end, but usually -adding something which was conjectural. Practice helps them very much. But -the most of those persons, male and female, who proclaim themselves -clairvoyants, are humbugs and impostors. - -Let any clear-headed man, who has good intellectual qualities, go to a -good clairvoyant, and try the above plan. Think out just the places and -persons you wish the clairvoyant (or spiritualist, if he or she choose to -call themselves such) to bring up. Stick firmly to your text, and the -operator will follow it, if he or she is a clairvoyant. They can tell you -nothing that you do not already know. If they go beyond that, it is -guessed at. - -No person of large causality can be a clairvoyant. The moment they employ -cause and effect, they are lost in doubt. How else can you account for -nearly all the professional clairvoyants (and spiritualists) being persons -of low intellectuality? Of course they deny this; but a fact is a fact, -and _it can't be rubbed out_! - -There is a magnetizing feature in clairvoyance. The operator can make some -persons _think_ they see a thing, when it is an impossibility to see it. -This influence is sometimes passed from one person to another -imperceptibly. - -When the earthquake shook up the minds of the Bostonians, in 1870, there -was one grand illustration of this fact. A gentleman standing in front of -the Old State House, on Washington Street, soon after the shock, asserted -that the earthquake had started a stone in the front end of the Sears -Building. - -"There! don't you see it?" he exclaimed to the people on the sidewalk, who -are always ready to stop and look at any new or curious object, as he -pointed towards an imaginary crack in the marble. "It is just above the -corner of that window there"--pointing--"a crack in the stone a foot -long." - -"O, yes, I see it," said one and another; and the gentleman moved on, -leaving the gaping crowd to gaze after the imaginary rent in the wall. - -"Where is it?" inquired a new comer. - -"Right up there over the door," replied one. - -"No, over that third window," said another. - -Some "saw it," and others didn't "see it," but all day long the tide of -curious humans ebbed and flowed. At eight o'clock in the morning I took a -look--not at the broken stone in the marble front, but at the magnetized -crowd looking upon an imaginary break. People with large causality looked, -exclaimed, "Pooh!" and went on. The credulous stood gazing, and pointing -out the rent to the "blind ones, who wouldn't see," hour after hour. At -noon I again visited the scene. The crowd had shifted, but the same class, -male and female, stood gazing at the "calico building," and the same sort -of people "saw the crack over the window." - -[Illustration: EFFECTS OF AN EARTHQUAKE.] - -[Illustration: A BELIEVER SEES HIS GRANDMOTHER.] - -At six P. M., I again visited the Old State House, and at dusk still -again, to behold the crowd straining to get a last look at the rent before -darkness shut out the view. On the following day, the scene was repeated, -with no mitigation. The fact of the papers denying that there was any rent -went for nothing. The crowd came and went, from morning till evening. - - -THE GATES OF MOSCOW. - -Some readers may remember the story of the great Wizard of the North, who -performed such marvellous feats before the czar, receiving from his -highness a splendid present in money, and finally wound up by announcing -that he would leave the city of Moscow on the following day, at twelve M., -_by all the gates of the city at the same time_! - -The watchmen were doubled at all the gates, to whom a description of the -man was sent, and a sharp lookout was commanded, when, lo! just at noon -the wizard was seen leaving the city at each separate outlet at the same -moment. Of course he could not have left by but one gate, but which of the -twelve no one could tell, for he was seen at all, or the watchmen were -made to believe that they saw him, as he passed out. To this the watchmen -of the several gates testified, and that he uncovered his head to them, as -he went past. - -At which gate did he really make his exit? The beautiful gate Spass -Voratu, or Gate of the Redeemer, has over the archway a picture of the -Saviour. All who pass out here are compelled to uncover. Hence it is my -belief, as he was seen uncovered, that this was the gate at which he -really went out, and at all the rest the watchmen imagined they saw the -wizard make his marvellous exit from Moscow. - - -THE DOCTOR OF ANTWERP. - -Townsend, on Mesmerism, tells an instructing and amusing anecdote of a -test, by a learned doctor of Antwerp, upon a clairvoyant girl. The doctor -was allowed, at a seance, to select his own test, when he said,-- - -"If the somnambulist"--that was what he termed her--"tells me what is in -my pocket, I will believe." Then to her he put the question,-- - -"What is in my pocket?" - -"A case of lancets," was the reply. - -"True," said the doctor, somewhat startled. "But the young lady may know -that I am a medical man; hence her guess that I carry a case of -instruments in my pocket. But if she will tell me the number of lancets in -the case, I will believe." - -"Ten," was the correct answer. - -Still the doctor was sceptical, and said,-- - -"I cannot yet believe but if the form of the case is described I must -yield to conviction." And the form of the case was given. - -"This certainly is very singular," said the doctor, "but still I cannot -believe. Now, if the young lady will give the color of the velvet lining -of the case, I really _must_ believe." - -"The color is dark blue," was her prompt reply. - -"True, true!" said the puzzled doctor, and he went away, saying, "It is -very curious, very, but still I cannot believe." - -Now, if the doctor had not known that the case was in his pocket, or no -one present had known beforehand, no clairvoyant could have described it. -What does this prove? That her mind was led by his inquiry to his mind, -thence to the article on his mind at the moment. "This is a book" I say. -The fact of my saying it, or thinking it, leads my mind to the book. - -As a person may look towards an object, as out of the window towards a -tree, and not see it till his mind is directed to it, so, on the other -hand, he may have his mind (thoughts) directed to a thing that his eyes -cannot see, and in a person whose superior brain is susceptible, it maybe -reflected so vividly as to permit a description of the object. - -One may walk over a stream, upon stones, or ground, and not realize the -fact till the mind is directed to it; and the thing may be reversed, and a -susceptible person may be led to think that he or she is walking over or -through water when none is present. The mind must be directed to an object -in order to see it mentally. - -A gentleman recently told me that a "medium brought up his old -grandmother." - -"How did she describe the old lady as appearing?" I asked. - -"In woollen dress and poke bonnet, with specs on, just as she used to -appear when I was a boy, forty years ago." - -"I should have thought the fashions would have changed in the unseen -world, even if the clothes had not worn out in forty years' service," I -suggested. - -This slightly staggered him, but he replied, "Perhaps fashions do not -change in the spirit-world." - -"Then ladies can never be happy there. Besides, what a jolly, comical set -they must be down there; the newer fashions appearing hourly in beautiful -contrast with the ancient styles; especially the janty, little, precious -morsels called hats of to-day, all covered with magnificent ribbons, and -flowers, and laces, in contrast with the great ark-like, sombre poke -bonnets of forty and a hundred years ago!" - -"Sir," I said, when he did not reply to this last poser,--"Sir, bring your -stock of common sense to bear upon the matter, and see that the mind of -the medium controlled yours, and led you to believe you saw, as the medium -did, through your thoughts, your ancient grandmother; for how else would -you imagine her, but as you remembered her, in woollen gown, poke bonnet, -and spectacles." - - -VISITS TO A CLAIRVOYANT. - -Twenty-five years ago, I visited Madam Young, in Ellsworth, Me. - -"You are going a journey," she soon said, after I was seated, and she had -examined my "bumps" to learn that I was a rolling stone. "You are going -south-west from here." "Marvellous!" one might say, who had little -reflective qualities of brain, for that was the very thing I was about to -do. But from Ellsworth, Maine, which way else could one go, without going -"south-west," unless he really went to the "jumping-off place, away down -east?" - -Again I visited her in Charleston, S. C. - -"You are going a journey soon," she informed me. - -"Which way?" I amusingly inquired. - -"Towards the north," was the necessary reply. - -Charleston is at the extremity of a neck of land. I was not expected to -jump off into the bay, by going southward, and her answer was the only -rational one. She would minutely describe any person, "good, bad, or -indifferent," whom I would fix my mind upon. I was suffering at the time -with bronchitis, which she correctly stated. She was the best clairvoyant -I have ever tested. She died at Hartford, in 1862. - -The following item of the press does not refer to Madam Young:-- - -A clairvoyant doctor of Hartford proclaims his superiority over other -seers on the ground that he "foretells the past and present as well as the -future." We should say he would probably "foretell" them much better. As -the Irishman said, one gets on better when one goes backward or stands -still. - -I noticed his advertisement in a Providence paper, recently, where "Dr. ----- foretold the past, present, and future." - - -A NIGHT IN THE PENOBSCOT MOUNTAINS. - -At Castine I heard of an old lady residing high up in the Penobscot -mountains, who could magnetize a sore or a painful limb at sight. Such -marvellous stories were told of her "charming," that I decided to go over -the mountain and see her. She was not a "professional," however, and -objected to being made too public. Therefore I made an excuse for calling -at the house "on my way afoot across the country," and was cordially -received by the family, of whom there were four generations residing under -one roof. The house was a story and half brown cottage, large on the -ground, and surrounded by numerous out-houses and barns. The view from the -western slope of the mountain where she lived was most magnificent. I -reached the farm before sunset. Here I lingered to overlook the beautiful -Penobscot as it flowed at my feet, and the far-off islands of the sea. -Here one could "gaze and never tire," out over the grand old forests, down -to the sea-side, and upon countless little white specks, the whitened -sails of the fishermen and coasting vessels, with an occasional ship or -steamboat flitting up and down the noble Penobscot river and bay. Still -above me the eagle built her nest in the rocking pines, on the mountain -top, and still far below sung the nightingale and wheeled the hungry -osprey in his belated piscatorial occupations. - -The sun sank behind the western hills, tinging the soft, fleecy clouds -with its golden glory. Slowly changing from purple and gold to faint -yellow, to dark blue, the clouds gradually assumed the night hue, and -sombre shadows crept adown the western mountains' sides, flinging their -dark mantle over the waters, from shore to shore. The sturdy farmer has -shouldered his scythe, and reluctantly he leaves the half-mown lot to seek -his evening repast at the family table. Then he discovers me, leaning over -the gate-bar, rapt in dreamy forgetfulness, and with a hearty salutation -extends to me the hospitality, so proverbially cordial, of the old New -England farmer. He shows me his pigs in the pen, and his "stock" in the -barn-yard, and reaching the house, he calls "mother," who, appearing in -calico and homespun, though with a cheerful and smiling face, is -introduced to me as his wife. "A stranger, belated, and I guess pretty -tired-like, climbing up here; and I won't take no excuses from him; so he -stays with us to-night." - -[Illustration: THE CHARMER DIVULGES HER SECRET.] - -I talk with the lady, I play with the babies, I even toy with Towser and -Tabby, till tea is set. Now I am introduced to the old lady. I thought I -would get to it at last. She was seventy odd years of age, a deaf, but -devout old lady, who was easily wheedled into divulging to me her secret -of "charming." She told me she had the "rheumatiz," and by my tender -sympathies and a roll of plaster for her lame back, I got into her own -room before bed-time. O, but I came out soon after! She was very deaf. - -"You see," said she, "a woman can't learn it to another woman--only to a -male. He must be a _good_ man." I nodded assent. "Yes; well, you must have -faith." Again I nodded--she was very deaf. "You must touch the painful -part and say--" Here she bent down her lips to my ear and whispered -something in seven words which she said I must never tell, and she -compelled me to promise never to divulge the secret while I lived, under -pain of God's great displeasure. - -Perhaps I had better keep my promise, though the good old lady has long -since "gone to her reward." - - -CUI BONO? - -The question is repeated every time there is a great robbery or a murder -committed,-- - -"Why do not the clairvoyants tell who has committed this crime?" - -Simply because those who consult them do not know. If a person knew where -the stolen property was secreted, and he consulted a true clairvoyant, he -or she _might_ describe the property and the place where it is secreted. -Not otherwise. The same with the murderer. Therefore, of what good is it? - -In order to do justice to this subject, to present and explain it in all -its various phases, we would require a volume, instead of the space -allotted in this chapter. But whatever name one may apply to it,--animal -magnetism, Mesmerism, clairvoyance, spiritual or trance mediumship,--its -success depends mostly upon the credulity of the person. - -During the five days preceding May 15, 1869, a reporter of the Boston Post -visited seventeen of these clairvoyants, mediums, etc., and some curious -facts and startling contradictions were revealed therein. - -"Putting it together," he says, "and carefully epitomizing the amount of -fortune that we have in this way been able to purchase, we present our -readers with the following balance sheet:" and this, he says, is from the -"most experienced and trustworthy fortune-tellers in the good city of -Boston, where everything like _humbug_ is most scrupulously avoided. - -"Four times we have been told that we were engaged in no business at all, -and as many more that our affairs and prospects were never more -flourishing. Repeatedly we have been told that we should speedily change -our business and abode. On the other hand, we were destined to be a -fixture in Boston, and were so well satisfied with our present calling -that we should never change. We are not married, but a great many pretty -maidens stood ready to help us out of that difficulty." Again, "we were -married, and the father of several roguish boys and bright-eyed girls. -Thus far in life we had enjoyed good health, were free from all -infirmities, and stood a good chance to reach fourscore and ten." - -"In less than twenty-four hours this sweet hope was buried, and we were -advised that death would overtake us suddenly and soon." - -There are various grades of clairvoyants, as of everything else. Here is -one class. - -"After ascending a rickety, dirty, greasy stairway, you find the madam -quartered in a small, square bedroom, poorly and miserably furnished. The -room is dirty, dark, and dingy. Portions of the walls are covered with a -cheap and quaint paper, patched, here and there, with some of another -figure and quality. Pictures of a cheap class are hanging on two sides of -the room,--of Columbus, Webster, and three or four love and courtship -scenes in France and Germany. The furniture consists of a cheap bed, a -dilapidated parlor cooking-stove, a small pine table, three common chairs, -and a rocking-chair, cane-bottomed, a big box, covered with a remnant of -the national flag, and a few cheap mantel ornaments. - -"The madam is a woman under thirty, very stoutly built, weighs one hundred -and sixty pounds, has quite fair complexion, with pretty blue eyes, light -hair, and withal not bad-looking. She was attired in a loose and rather -soiled calico dress, wore no ornaments, and looked rather uninviting." - - -A BON TON CLAIRVOYANT. - -The writer visited a special seance at one of the most aristocratic and -_recherche_ abodes of the marvellous in this city, not long since. I was -ushered into the brilliantly lighted hall by a janty-looking little biddy -in white and embroidered apron. That was all I saw of her, as she -disappeared and was substituted by the lady of the house, the medium. She -was a pretty, pleasant little lady, with brilliant, dancing, light eyes, -hair golden brown, and was dressed in a black silk dress, with blue -overskirt, a rich lace collar, and flowing sleeves of the same material. - -Depositing hat, coat, and cane on the hall rack, I was introduced to the -assembled guests in the great parlors. These rooms were united by a wide, -open archway, were high, and brilliantly lighted by rich chandeliers in -each room. An elegant piano occupied the west side of the front parlor, -upon which was a pile of the latest music. The furniture was of black -walnut, and richly upholstered in green and gold rep. The mantel was -adorned with vases of porcelain, images of marble and terra-cotta, and -little knickknacks of foreign production. The walls were hung with a few -of Prang's chromos, oil paintings, and two "spirit" photographs. The most -beautiful, as well as the most remarkable, feature of the rooms was the -magnificent bouquets of native hot-house flowers, which covered the two -marble-topped centre-tables and sideboard. These were presents to the -spirits! They did not take them away; the only one I saw removed was -knocked over by a careless elbow. I regret to add, that there was no -"manifestation," nor anything revealed, worth recording. - - -A BOUNCER. - -A scene that occurred at another place where I previously visited may be -considered worthy of notice. I clambered two flights of stairs, and found -myself face to face with a very large woman, answering to the alias of -Madam ----. She was very fleshy, weighing probably two hundred and -thirty-five pounds avoirdupois. Her face was pleasant, and conversation -easy. I handing over the required "picture paper," she tumbled into a -great easy-chair, and, without any pretence to a trance, began,-- - -[Illustration: "I PERCEIVE YOU ARE IN LOVE."] - -"I perceive that you are in love." This was startling news to a bachelor. -"There are two pretty females, one dark-complexioned, the other light." -(This is the usual "dodge," for, if there is a woman in the question, one -of the two is bound to answer this general description.) "Which shall we -follow?" she very teasingly inquired. - -"Either that comes handiest," was my indifferent reply. - -"Well, the dark one, then. She is tall, fair, and is looking anxiously for -you to propose. Do you know a lady of this description whom you like?" I -regretted that I did not. My "notion" ran to small ladies, of the opposite -complexion. "Well," she said, not the least flurried, "here is one of that -kind." I instantly placed my mind on one of this class,--my sister,--and -she ran on. "She is soon to meet you. She is very rich." (Nellie will be -glad to learn this.) "And I perceive a short-like man looking after her -fortune. But have no concern; she loves you fondly, and you will marry her -very soon. You are going a voyage, or across some water." (How far can one -travel, in this country, without crossing water?) "You will meet an enemy, -who will try to injure you in business." - -"What business?" I inquired. - -"You are a--yes--mechanic, though your hand is soft. I reckon you've been -sick. Yes--machinist; make coffee-mills. Yes" (looking sharply into my -face). (I was _leading her_!) "Corn poppers are in your line." (I nodded, -and smiled, for how could I refrain from smiling?) "You trade in tin and -earthen ware--chamber ware--spoons--and old boots." (True.) "You own a -splendid house in the city--a large block"-(head). - -"Where was I born? Can you see?" - -"Yes; you were reared in the country; where there were deep, dark -woods--all woods; in a log house, with thatched roof, and clay and stick -chimney. A pig--am I right?--yes, a pig and a dog are kept in the same -house. The windows are wooden, and--" - -"Where was it?" I suggested. - -"I should say in Ireland," she replied. - -"Enough, I believe. Now about the other lady," I said. - -"The dark one? Yes. She loves you, but is poor. Since you are rich, and -a--" Here I tried to impress her that I was married. "You are married, but -your wife will not survive you. No, she will soon go to heaven, and you -will marry the dark-complexioned lady." - -"Good," I exclaimed. - -"Yes; and will have five boys and three girls." - -"Who?" - -"Why, the lady, of course." - -"O!" - -"Yes, and they will be happy and healthy." - -Here she informed me I had got my money's worth. - -I think I had. - -[Illustration] - - - - -XIX. - -ECCENTRICITIES. - - "They'll not show their teeth in way of smile, - Though Nestor swear the jest be laughable." - - "Democritus, dear droll, revisit earth, - And with our follies glut thy heightened mirth."--PRIOR. - - A ONE-EYED DOCTOR AND HIS HORSE.--A NEW EDIBLE.--"HAVE THEM - BOILED."--"BEAUTY AND THE BEAST."--A LOVELY STAMPEDE.--AN ECCENTRIC - PHILADELPHIAN.--THE POODLES, DRS. HUNTER AND SCIPIO.--SILENT - ELOQUENCE.--CONSISTENT TO THE END.--WHEN DOCTORS DISAGREE.--FOUR BLIND - MEN.--DIET AND SLEEP.--SAXE AND SANCHO PANZA.--MOTHER GOOSE AS A - DOCTOR'S BOOK.--THE TABLES TURNED ON THE DOCTORS. - - -We love to see an eccentric individual--something out of the common -routine of every-day, humdrum life. But what is often taken for an -eccentricity is sometimes put on for an advertisement. - -Nearly all great men have their oddities or peculiarities. I might give -many little interesting sketches of some physicians' oddities right among -us, but for too great personality. I may, however, work in a few. - -The eccentricities of some doctors lie in their dress. Of this, I shall -speak under the head of "Dress and Address." Others lie in personal acts, -in their walk, manners, and conversation. - -I know of one physician who delights in the worst looking old horse he can -obtain. The doctor himself has but one eye. His old donkey-like beast -corresponded. Report said that he cut out the left eye of the horse to -gain that desired end, which, however, is discredited. The beast was also -lame, which defect the doctor would never admit. - -"What _you_ ignorantly term 'limping' is only an expression of good -breeding--which I cannot attach to all whom I meet on the road. It's -bowing,--merely bowing. You never see him do it unless somebody is in -sight. Gid-dap!" And so delivering himself, the old doctor would drive on, -chuckling softly to himself. When his old horse died, he was presented -with a fine young beast, which he declined to accept, but scoured the -country till he found a high-boned, rib-bared, foundered, and half-blind -old roadster. - - -A NEW DISH. - -Dr. James Wood was an oddity. He was a bachelor, between thirty and forty, -large and attractive. He was remarkably neat in dress and person, but -delighted in "an old rip of a horse." - -Once he was on a tour through New Brunswick, and, in company with a -friend, drove up to a tavern at evening, and called for the landlord. - -"He ain't t' home, but I'm the horse-slayer," replied a voice, followed by -the person of a tall, lean Yankee, who issued from the smoke of the -bar-room, and approached our friends, still sitting in the open buggy. - -"Here, put up my horse; take good care of him, and feed him well." - -"Hoss?" said the impudent fellow. "O, yes, I see him now; he's inside that -ere frame, I s'pose. Climb down, gentlemen, and go inter the house. -Landlord and the Santipede (Xantippe?) has gone to St. Johns; but I guess -Dolly in the kitchin, and me in the bar-room, can eat and drink yer, -though you're two putty big fellows, well's myself." So saying, the -gentlemen having alighted, he drove the animal to the stable. - -[Illustration: A "HORSE-SLAYER" INDULGING HIS OPINION.] - -At supper, the doctor and his friend and two ladies were the only -guests. Just what part the "horse-slayer" had had in its preparation was -not obvious, since he had, after caring for the horse, only sat with a -pipe in his mouth and his heels elevated on the bar-room stove, or -following to the sitting-room, and continually plied the doctor with -questions. However, the supper was ample, thanks to "Dolly." - -"Is there anything more wanted?" inquired the table girl,--a round-faced, -round-headed country specimen in neat calico. - -"Yes," replied the doctor, "we would like some napkins, seeing there are -none on the table." - -Away hastened the girl, who, quickly returning, asked in very primitive -simplicity,-- - -"How will you have them cooked?" - -"O, boiled, if you please," replied the doctor, without changing a muscle -about his sober-looking face. - -The girl disappeared at full trot, followed by jeers of laughter from the -gentlemen present, and suppressed titters from the ladies. - -In a few moments "Dolly" made her appearance, and after searching in vain -through the side-table drawer and a cupboard in the dining-room, she said -they had none in the house, and intimated that the table girl could not be -induced to return, after being laughed at for her ignorance of what a -napkin was, and that "herself would wait upon the guests." - -When the doctor returned, the "horse-slayer" called out that the napkin -doctor was coming, upon which the terrified table-girl ran away and hid. - -My informant says, "You're only to say, any time, 'Here comes that napkin -doctor,' and the table girl nearly goes wild, dropping everything, and -hiding away in her chamber till assured it is only a false alarm." - -The writer is well acquainted with W., who assured him this was true. - - -BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. - -I heard, while in the South, of a doctor, a little, short man, who rode a -Canadian horse, a scraggy little specimen, and who, in yellow fever time, -used to ride right straight into a drug store, and order his prescription, -catch it up, wheel his pony round on his hind legs, stick in the spurs -into the flanks of the animal, and go out in a clean gallop. - -[Illustration: NO TIME TO LOSE.] - -Though the writer never saw this remarkable feat, there is one more -ludicrous, to which he was an eye-witness. - -One fine day, while in Charleston, sitting musing in the window of the -Victoria Hotel, I saw an African, with bare feet and legs, his whole -attire consisting of a coarse shirt and brief trousers, drive a mule -attached to a dray, on which was a box, up towards a milliner's store, -opposite. The negro jumped from the dray, and, with whip in hand, ran into -the store to ascertain if that was the place to leave the box. - -[Illustration: BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.] - -The faithful donkey followed his master directly into the store, nor -stopped till the wheels of the cart brought up against the door-jambs. The -ladies, with whom the front store was crowded, screamed with terror, and -fled towards the back room, where the pretty milliner girls were sewing. -They caught the panic and sight of the donkey's head and ears in the front -shop, and screeched in chorus. A more lively and lovely stampede I never -witnessed. It was "Beauty and the Beast," and the beast stood pulling his -best to get the cart through; but since a six-foot cart never could go -through a four foot doorway, he backed out with the negro's assistance, -and Beauty was rescued from the perilous situation. - -"Golly!" exclaimed the Buckee, when himself, mule and cart were back into -the street. "I fought de ladies were scared ob dis chile, first sight; but -I never knowed de ladies to be scared ob a hansum darky like me; and when -I looked round an' see dat ar' mules coming into der mill'ner's store--O, -yah, yah, yah! I shall die--O, yah, yah, yah!--de Lor'--to only fink ob -it, a mule in a mill'ner's shop--he wants muslin--O, yah, yah! I shall -die, sure." Then, after a few more outbursts, he stopped short--for the -milliner was looking after the box--he rolled up his eyes very solemnly, -and said to the donkey,-- - -"Yer ought to be 'shamed ob yerself to go into dat yer store--dar, take -dat!" levelling a blow at the donkey's head with the whip. Then taking the -box into the store, he returned, gave the donkey another solemn lecture on -his impropriety, and mounted the dray and drove away. - - -THE CONSULTING POODLES. - -A gentleman well known to the writer assured me that he once had occasion -to repeatedly consult a physician in Philadelphia, a most excellent -practitioner, who owned two pet poodle dogs. They were pure white, and -occupied a portion of his office. When I first entered the doctor's -presence, I was quite astonished to see, sitting on a corner of his desk, -at his left, a beautiful poodle. I thought, at first sight, it was a -stuffed specimen; but after inquiring the nature of my visit, the doctor -said, "You can retire, sir." - -"What!" said I, in surprise at this summary dismissal, when I was startled -to see the manikin jump from the desk and run away to a crib beside a -book-case. - -[Illustration: DR. HUNTER IN CONSULTATION.] - -"I was speaking to Dr. Scipio," the doctor quietly remarked. Then adding, -"Dr. Hunter, you can come instead," when another like poodle came and -leaped upon the desk, and sat looking very wisely at his master. - -While examining my case, he occasionally cast a glance at "Dr. Hunter," -sitting as quiet as a marble dog might, but seeming to understand the look -which his master gave him, acknowledging it by a pricking up of the ears. - -I received my prescription, and what proved to be most excellent advice, -and retired. The next time I visited the eccentric doctor, both Drs. -Scipio and Hunter were in full consultation, sitting side by side on the -desk. - -"Now, sirs," said the doctor, after motioning me to a seat near him, "sirs -Scipio and Hunter, keep very still, and give attention." - -A yawning noise and expression was their simultaneous reply. - -"What is the object of the two canine specimens being always present when -I have consulted you?" I ventured to inquire, on my last visit to the -doctor. - -"Some physicians consult two-legged pups, in complicated cases. I prefer -quadrupeds. Have we not been very successful--myself, Drs. Hunter and -Scipio--in your case, sir?" - -This he said with a pleasant, half-serious countenance. - -"Indeed, you have, sir," I replied, to which the dogs gave a gap! (a -smile?) - -"You'll find every successful man with some seeming useless habit or -appendage, which, nevertheless, is essential to his success, in absorbing -or distracting the superfluities of his nature. A sing-song, every-day -man, whom you can see right through, and understand all his moves, seldom -amounts to anything. I ape nobody, however, but I feel almost lost, in my -examinations, without my dogs." - -Well, there may be much to this, after all. A good singer will seldom go -forward to master a difficult piece of music without something in his -hand. Eccentricities in some persons take the place of a vile, injurious -habit, as the eccentric man is usually free from debasing habits. - -I am particularly reminded of Suwaroff, the great Russian general, who was -so remarkable for his energy, valor, and headlong fighting propensities. -This wonderful man was very small in stature, being only five feet and a -half inch in height, miserably thin in flesh, with an aquiline nose, a -wide mouth, wrinkled brow, and bald head--an eagle look and character. -"His contempt of dress could only be equalled by his disregard of every -form of politeness, and some idea may be formed of both from the fact that -he was washed mornings by several buckets of water thrown over him, and -that he drilled his men in his shirt sleeves, with his stockings hanging -down about his heels, and proudly dispensing with the use of a pocket -handkerchief." - -[Illustration: THE RUSSIAN GENERAL'S DRILL.] - -His favorite signal of attack was a shrill "_cock-a-doodle-doo!_" -"To-morrow"--this was his harangue to his men before a great -battle--"to-morrow morning I mean to be up one hour before daybreak. I -shall wash and dress myself, then say my prayers, give one good -_cock-crow_, and capture Ismail!" Which he did to the letter. After -Catharine's death, Paul, her son and successor, could not brook the -eccentric habits of "Old Forward and Strike," whose personal appearance -was ill suited to court, and when compelled to "change or retire," -Suwaroff chose the latter. Again in 1799 he was given a command, but would -not change his principles, and was dismissed; and died in 1800, neglected -by the imperial Paul, who was assassinated the same year. - - -SILENT ELOQUENCE. - -There is a physician doing an office practice in Boston, who, when you -enter his office, by one gesture and movement of his head, with the -accompanying expression of his countenance, says to you, as plainly as -words, "Take a seat; how do you do? State your case." He is a man of few -words, professionally. Through with his business, he becomes one of the -most sociable men with whom one need wish to meet. - -John Abernethy was remarkable for his eccentricity, and brevity in his -dealings with patients. Sometimes he met his match. The following has been -told about him often enough to be true. On one occasion a lady, who -doubtless had heard of his _brusque_ characteristic, entered his -consulting-room, at Bedford Row, and silently presented a sore finger. As -silently the doctor examined and dressed the wound. In the same manner the -lady deposited the accustomed fee upon the table, and withdrew. - -Again she presented the finger for inspection. - -"Better?" grunted the great surgeon. - -"Better," quietly answered the lady, deposited the fee, and left, without -saying another word. Several visits were thus made, when, on presenting it -for the last time, Abernethy said,-- - -"Well?" - -"Well," was the lady's only answer, and deposited her last fee. - -"Well, madam, upon my soul, you are the most sensible lady with whom I -ever met," he exclaimed, and very politely bowed her out. - - -CONSISTENT TO THE END. - -The most eccentric physician who ever lived, and the only one I have read -of who carried his odd notions beyond this life, was Messenger Monsey, of -whom I have before written in this book. He died at the age of -ninety-five. He wrote his own will,--having eighty thousand dollars to -dispose of,--and his epitaph. The will was remarkable, and is still -preserved. "To a beautiful young lady, named ----," he gave an old -battered snuff-box, not containing a shilling, lavishing upon her, at the -same time, the most extravagant encomiums on her wit, taste, and elegance; -and to another, whom he says he intends to enrich with a handsome legacy, -he leaves the gratifying assurance that he changed his mind on finding her -"a pert, conceited minx." After railing at bishops, deans, and clergymen, -he left an annuity to two of the latter, who did not preach. - -"My body shall not be insulted with any funeral ceremonies, but after -being dissected in the theatre of Guy's Hospital, by the surgeons, for the -benefit of themselves and students, the remainder of my carcass may be put -into a hole, or crammed into a box with holes, and thrown into the -Thames." - -The main part of his property went to his only daughter. - -[Illustration: WHAT THE ELEPHANT IS LIKE.] - -[Illustration: A DOCTOR'S SOLACE.] - -This is a true copy of his epitaph:-- - - "Here lie my old bones; my vexation now ends; - I have lived much too long for myself and my friends. - As to churches and churchyards, which men may call holy, - 'Tis a rank piece of priestcraft, and founded on folly. - What the next world may be never troubled my pate; - And, be what it may, I beseech you, O Fate, - When the bodies of millions rise up in a riot, - To let the old carcase of Monsey lie quiet." - -The above reminds me of another epitaph in Greenwood: - - "Underneath this turf do lie, - Back to back, my wife and I. - Generous stranger, spare the tear, - For could she speak, I cannot hear. - Happier far than when in life, - Free from noise and free from strife, - When the last trump the air shall fill, - If she gets up, I'll just lie still!" - - -"WHEN DOCTORS DISAGREE." - -The eccentricities of some doctors lie in their abuse of their brothers; -especially those of a different school, of which they necessarily know -little or nothing. - -There is a Hindoo story illustrative of the folly of this _ex parte_ -decision. - -Four blind men went to examine an elephant, to ascertain what it was like. -One felt of its foot, the second its trunk, the third its ear, and the -last felt of its tail. Then they held a consultation, and began to talk it -up. - -"The elephant is very much like a mortar," said the one who had felt of -the foot. - -"It is like a pestle," said the one who had felt of its trunk. - -"No; you are both wrong. It's like a fan," said he who had felt of the -ears. - -"You are all mistaken; it is like a broom," vehemently exclaimed the man -who had felt of the tail. The dispute grew warm. Each was sure he was -right, because he had personally examined for himself. Then they waxed -angry, and a lasting quarrel grew out of it; so, in the end, they were all -as ignorant of the truth as when they began the investigation. - -The diversity of medical opinion on diet is equally as great as on -prescription, and often partakes largely of the notion or eccentricity of -the individual physician, rather than the requirements of the patient. - -One is an advocate of animal diet; another is a strict Grahamite, or -vegetarian, and a third is an animo-vegetarian, which, according to the -two kinds of teeth given to man,--the tearing, or canine, and the grinding -teeth,--seems to be the most rational decision. Then there is the -slop-doctor. I know of one in Connecticut. He weighs about two hundred and -fifty pounds. He breakfasts on the richest steak, dines on roast beef, and -sups on a fowl. Every patient he has is a victim to "typhoid fever: the -result is inflammation of the glands of the stomach, and induced by too -hearty food;" hence the patient is starved a month on slop or gruel. - -This doctor was formerly a Methodist preacher, and-- - - "Exhausting all _persuasive_ means to light - Our fallen race to Virtue's glorious height, - To Medicine gives his comprehensive mind, - And fills his pockets while he cures mankind. - He scorns M. D.'s, at all hard study sneers, - And soon the science of its mystery clears. - _His_ knowledge springs intuitive and plain, - As Pallas issued from the Thunderer's brain. - He takes a patent for some potent pill - Whose cure is certain--for it cures to kill. - Such mighty powers in its materials lurk, - It grows, like Gibbon's Rome, a standard _work_! - Pill-militant, he storms the forts of pain, - Where grim Disease has long entrenched lain, - Routs fevers, agues, colics, colds, and gouts, - Nor ends the war till life itself he routs. - If of his skill you wish some pregnant hints, - Peruse the gravestones, not the public prints! - To aid his work, and fame immortal win, - Brings steam from physics into medicine; - From speeding packets o'er th' Atlantic waste, - O'er Styx's stream old Charon's boat to haste, - Proving that steam for double use is fit-- - To whirl men _through_ the world, and _out_ of it!" - -The difference in the item of sleep is amusing. I know a poor, worn-out -doctor who finds all health in early rising. Let us refer him to the -following, by John G. Saxe:-- - - EARLY RISING. - - "God bless the man who first invented sleep!" - So Sancho Panza said, and so say I: - And bless him also that he didn't keep - His great discovery to himself, nor try - To make it--as the lucky fellow might-- - A close monopoly by patent right. - - Yes, bless the man who first invented sleep - (I really can't avoid the iteration); - But blast the man, with curses loud and deep, - Whate'er the rascal's name, or age, or station, - Who first invented, and went round advising, - That artificial cut-off--early rising. - - "Rise with the lark, and with the lark to bed," - Observes some solemn, sentimental owl: - Maxims like these are very cheaply said; - But ere you make yourself a fool or fowl, - Pray, just inquire about his rise and fall, - And whether larks have any beds at all. - - The time for honest folks to be abed - Is in the morning, if I reason right; - And he who cannot keep his precious head - Upon his pillow till it's fairly light, - And so enjoy his forty morning winks, - Is up to knavery; or else--he drinks. - - Thomson, who sung about the "Seasons," said - It was a glorious thing to _rise_ in season; - But then he said it--lying--in his bed, - At ten o'clock A. M.,--the very reason - He wrote so charmingly. The simple fact is, - His preaching wasn't sanctioned by his practice. - - 'Tis doubtless well to be sometimes awake,-- - Awake to duty and awake to truth,-- - But when, alas! a nice review we take - Of our best deeds and days, we find, in sooth, - The hours that leave the slightest cause to weep - Are those we passed in childhood, or asleep! - - 'Tis beautiful to leave the world a while - For the soft visions of the gentle night; - And free at last from mortal care or guile, - To live as only in the angels' sight, - In sleep's sweet realm so cosily shut in, - Where, at the worst, we only _dream_ of sin. - - So let us sleep, and give the Maker praise. - I like the lad who, when his father thought - To clip his morning nap by hackneyed phrase - Of vagrant worm by early songster caught, - Cried, "Served him right!--it's not at all surprising; - The worm was punished, sir, for early rising." - - -MOTHER GOOSE. - -"Gabriel Betteredge," in "Moonstone," was doubtless a true character from -life, picked up by the author, Wilkie Collins, somewhere in his travels. I -think the best authors seldom have made up so good a character "out of -whole cloth," but have gone to the highways and byways for them. -Betteredge's forte lay in Robinson Crusoe. That book was his guidance and -solace in all his trials and perplexities. But what would you think of a -doctor, a respectable graduate of a medical college, who sought, if not -advice, recreation and solace in Mother Goose? - -This M. D. resided a few years ago in A., New York State. He owned a large -library, enjoyed the confidence of a large list of friends and patrons, -and was a man of education and refinement. His eccentricity lay in his -love of Mother Goose's Melodies. He kept a copy of these nursery rhymes at -his very elbow, and often turned from a perplexing case, and sought solace -in the jingling rhymes of old Mother Goose! - -Well, that was certainly better than relieving his brain by the use of -narcotic stimulants, as opium, tobacco, or ardent spirits, which use can -only be followed at the expense of nerve, tissue, and membrane. - -I have here before me an account of another physician, whose solace and -relief from business cares were in his cats, of which he had several, all -of which answered to their names. His attachment to these creatures was -only equalled by theirs for him. Sometimes one or two perched on his -shoulders and sang to him while he rested in his easy-chair. He seemed to -drink in Lethean comforts, as thus he would remain for a half hour or more -at a time, or till business broke the spell. When a patient came, or a -servant announced a call, he would arise and say, "Pets, vamose!" and the -cats would all scamper away to their nests, and the doctor, seemingly -refreshed in body and mind, would return to the reality of life and its -labors. - -One's solace is in his children, another's in his wife, a third in his -flower-garden; and others' in opium, rum, or tobacco. - - -THE TABLES TURNED. - -Sometimes the doctor's oddity seemed to be in his silence, again in asking -"outlandish" questions. Often they get a good return; for instance,-- - -Dr. G., of Sycamore, Ill., riding in the country one day, saw a sign upon -a gate-post, reading thus: "This farm for sail." Stopping his horse, he -hailed a little old woman, who stood on tiptoe, hanging out clothes. - -"I say, madam, when is this farm going to _sail_?" - -"Just as soon, sir," replied the old lady, placing her thumb to her nose, -"as anybody comes along who can raise the wind." - -The doctor drove thoughtfully on. - - -THE DIFFERENCE. - -"A priest who was jogging along on an ass was overtaken by a loquacious -doctor, and, after some preliminary conversation as to the destination, -etc., the doctor proposed that they each should ask a question, and the -one who proposed the best should receive hospitality at the other's -expense at the next town. The priest agreed, for he was a fat, jolly -little fellow, who could enjoy a laugh and "some bottles," even at a -doctor's expense. So the doctor proposed the following:-- - -"What is the difference between a priest and a jackass?" - -"That's old," replied the priest. "One wears his cross on his breast, the -other on his back.--Now for my turn. What is the difference between the -doctor and the ass?" - -"I cannot tell," replied the doctor; "what is the difference?" - -"I see none," quietly replied the priest. - - -"NOT BY BREAD ALONE." - -A physician in P., who had the reputation of being a high liver, was quite -publicly reprimanded for his gluttony by an advent preacher of some note, -not a thousand miles from Boston. The doctor bore his abuse without -flinching, though he believed the man a hypocrite. A long time afterwards, -he met the Adventist in his town, and, after some conversation, invited -him to dine at his own house. The hungry Grahamite accepted, and at an -early moment found himself at the doctor's board. - -"Will you ask a blessing?" said the doctor; which request being complied -with, he uncovered one of the only two dishes on the table, which -contained nothing but bread. The preacher saw the point, and said, with a -disappointed grin, "You shall not live by bread alone." - -"Yes; I know that much Scripture," replied the doctor; "so I have provided -some butter," uncovering the other dish! - - - - -XX. - -PRESCRIPTIONS REMARKABLE AND RIDICULOUS. - - "He finds out what stuff they're made of."--SHAKSPEARE. - - "By setting brother against brother, - To claw and curry one another."--BUTLER. - - FIG PASTE AND FIG LEAVES.--SOME OF THOSE OLD FELLOWS.--THEY SLIGHTLY - DISAGREE.--HOW TO KEEP CLEAN.--BAXTER VS. THE DOCTOR.--A CURE FOR - "RHEUMATIZ."--OLD ENGLISH DOSES.--CURE FOR BLUES.--FOR - HYSTERIA.--HEROIC DOSES.--DROWNING A FEVER.--AN EXACT - SCIENCE.--SULPHUR AND MOLASSES.--A USE FOR POOR IRISH.--MINERAL - SPRINGS.--COLD DRINKS VS. WARM.--THE OLD LADY AND THE AIR PUMP.--SAVED - BY HER BUSTLE.--COUNTRY PRESCRIPTIONS AND A FUNNY MISTAKE.--ARE YOU - DRUNK OR SOBER? - - -Mythology informs us that Heraclitus, the melancholy philosopher of -Ephesus, fixed his residence in a manure heap, by the advice of his -physicians, in hopes of thereby being cured of the dropsy. The remedy -proved worse than the disease, and the philosopher died. From that time -till the present, medical prescriptions have rather partaken of the -extravagant and the ridiculous, than of the rational and beneficial. - -In biblical times the real remedies consisted of a few simples, and were -almost totally confined to external uses. Fig paste was a favorite remedy -for swellings, boils, and ulcers, and an ointment made of olives and some -spices was used for wounds, etc. Mrs. Eve, it is said, took to fig leaves. -The myrrh and hyssop were used chiefly among the Jews for purification. -The former was obtained from Egypt and Arabia East. The original name was, -in Arabic, _marra_, meaning bitter. - -The history of medicine is referable to about 1184 before Christ, from -which time to Hippocrates, 460 B. C., it could not lay claim to the name -of science. It was confined almost entirely to the priestcraft, and -partook largely of the fabulous notions of that superstitious age, and was -connected with their gods and heroes. Then, necessarily with such a -belief, the remedies lay in ceremonies and incantations, as before -mentioned in chapter first, and the priests had it all their own way. - -Chiron, according to Grecian bibliographers, was about the first who -practised medicine to any extent, and who, with Apollo, claimed to have -received his knowledge direct from Jupiter. AEsculapius was a son of -Apollo. AEsculapius had two sons, who became celebrated physicians, and one -daughter, Hygeia, the goddess of health. For a long time the practice of -medicine was confined to the descendants of AEsculapius, who was worshipped -in the temples of Epidaurus, the ruins of one of which is said to still be -seen. - -Hippocrates claimed to be a descendant of AEsculapius (460 B. C.). The -remedies used by his predecessors were a few vegetable medicines, -accelerated by a good many mystical rites. It would seem that medicinal -springs were patronized at this early date, as temples of health were -established near such wells, in Greece. Theophrastus, of Lesbos, was a -fuller's son, and wrote a book on plants. He was a pupil to Plato and -Aristotle. - -Podalirius was going to cure every disease by bleeding, Herodicus by -gymnastics, and Archagathus by burning and gouging out the diseased parts. -Then arose Chrysippus, who reversed the blood-letting theory, and would -allay the venous excitement by simple medications (not having discovered -the difference between veins and arteries, and when they did, it was -supposed the latter contained only air; hence the name); Asclepiades, who -"kicked Hippocrates' nature out of doors," and the thermo-therapeutists, -who turned out the latter. - -After the followers of Archagathus, or Archegenus, were driven out of -Rome, the hot baths were established, which were the earliest mentioned. -There was a very celebrated cold water bath established somewhat earlier, -for which Mr. Noah, who owned the right, got up a very large tub, for the -exclusive use of himself, family, and household pets. The bath--like -nearly all cold water baths _extensively used since_--was a complete -success, killing off all who ventured into the water. - -During the reign of the Roman emperor Caracalla (211-217) thermal baths -were extensively established at Rome, and Gibbon informs us that they were -open for the reception of both senators and people; that they would -accommodate three thousand persons at once. The enclosure exceeded a mile -in circumference. At one end there was a magnificent temple, dedicated to -the god Apollo, and at the reverse another, sacred to AEsculapius, the -tutelary divinities of the Thermae. The Grecians also established cold, -warm, and hot baths; and in Turkey the bathing was a religious rite until -a very recent period. More recently, it is a source of diversion. -"Cleanliness is akin to godliness," and recreation is a religious duty; -therefore the warm bath, whether followed as a superstitious rite or as a -source of amusement, is nevertheless commendable as a sanitary measure. - -Dr. Dio Lewis, of Boston, has a grand warm (Turkish) bathing -establishment. There are several hot, champooing, and cooling rooms for -ladies or gentlemen, and a grand plunge bath, containing sixteen thousand -gallons of water, warmed by a steam apparatus. If the Bostonians are dirty -hereafter, they must not blame the doctor. No man knows how dirty he is -till he tries one of these baths. - -"Crosby's History of the English Baptists preserves the opinion of Sir -John Floyer, physician, that immersion was of great sanitary value, and -that its discontinuance, about the year 1600, had been attended with ill -effects on the physical condition of the population. 'Immersion would -prevent many hereditary diseases if it were still practised,' he said. An -old man, eighty years of age, whose father lived at the time while -immersion was the practice, said that parents would ask the priest to dip -well into the water that part of the child which was diseased, to prevent -its descending to posterity. - -"Baxter vehemently and exaggeratedly denounced it as a breach of the sixth -commandment. It produced catarrh, etc., and, in a word, was good for -nothing but to despatch men out of the world." - -"If murder be sin, then dipping ordinarily in cold water over head is a -sin." - -So much for Dr. Floyer vs. Baxter. Surely the latter ought to have been -"dipped." - -A western paper of respectability is responsible for the statement, that -an old lady followed up a bishop as he travelled through his diocese, in -that vicinity, and was confirmed several times before detected. - -"Why did you do such a remarkable deed?" asked the bishop. "Did you feel -that your sins were so great as to require a frequent repetition of the -ordinance?" - -"O, no," replied the old lady, complacently; "but I heerd say it was good -for the rheumatiz." - -The bishop didn't confirm her any more. She was really going to baptism as -the voters go to the polls and vote in New York--"early and often." - - -OLD ENGLISH PRESCRIPTIONS. - -The prescriptions and doses of the old English doctors were "stunning." - -Billy Atkins, a gout doctor of Charles II.'s time, who resided in the Old -Bailey, did an immense business in his specialty. His remarkable wig and -dress will find a place in our chapter on "Dress." He made a nostrum on -the authority of Swift, compounded of thirty different promiscuous -ingredients. - -The apothecary to Queen Elizabeth brought in his quarter-bill, L83, 7s. -8d. Amongst the items were the following: "A confection made like a manus -Christi, with bezoar stone, and unicorn's horn, 11s. Sweet scent for -christening of Sir Richard Knightly's son, 2s. 6d. A conserve of -barberries, damascene plums, and others, for Mr. Ralegh, 6s. Rose water -for the King of Navarre's ambassador, 12s. A royal sweetmeat, with -rhubarb, 16d." - -A sweet preparation, and a favorite of Dr. Theodore Mayerne, was "balsam -of bats." A cure for hypochondria was composed of "adders, bats, -angle-worms, sucking whelps, ox-bones, marrow, and hog's grease." Nice! - -After perusing--without swallowing--his medical prescriptions, the reader -would scarcely desire to follow the directions in his "Excellent and -well-approved Receipts in Cooking." I should rather, to run my risk, -breakfast on boarding-house or hotel hash, than partake of food prepared -from Dr. Mayerne's "Cook Book." - -According to Dr. Sherley, Mayerne gave violent drugs, calomel in scruple -doses, mixed sugar of lead with conserves, and fed gouty kings on -pulverized human bones. - -"A small, young mouse roasted," is recommended by Dr. Bullyn, as a cure -for restlessness and nervousness in children. For cold, cough, and -tightness of the lungs, he says, "Snayles (snails) broken from the shells -and sodden in whyte wyne, with olyv oyle and sugar, are very holsome." -Snails were long a favorite remedy, and given in consumption for no other -reason than that "it was a _slow_ disease." A young puppy's skin (warm and -fresh) was applied to the chest of a child with croup, because he -_barked_! Fish-worms, sow-bugs, crab's eyes, fish-oil, sheep-droppings, -and such delicious stuff were, and still are, favorite remedies with some -physicians and country people. The following was one of Dr. Boleyn's royal -remedies:-- - -"_Electuarium de Gemmis._ Take two drachms of white perles; two little -peeces of saphyre; jacinth, corneline, emerauldes, garnettes, of each an -ounce; setwal, the sweate roote doronike, the rind of pomecitron, mace, -basel seede, of each two drachms; of redde corall, amber, shaving of -ivory, of each two drachms; rootes both of white and red behen, ginger, -long peper, spicknard, folium indicum, saffron, cardamon, of each one -drachm; of troch. diarodon, lignum aloes, of each half a small handful; -cinnamon, galinga, zurubeth, which is a kind of setwal, of each one drachm -and a half; thin pieces of gold and sylver, of each half a scruple; of -musk, half a drachm. Make your electuary with honey emblici, which is the -fourth kind of mirobalans with roses, strained in equall partes, as much -as will suffice. This healeth cold, diseases of ye braine, harte, stomack. -It is a medicine proved against the tremblynge of the harte, faynting, and -sounin, the weakness of the stomacke, pensivenes, solitarines. Kings and -noblemen have used this for their comfort. It causeth them to be -bold-spirited, the body to smell wel, and ingendreth to the face good -coloure." - -"Truly a medicine for kings and noblemen," says Jeaffreson, who gives the -following:-- - -"During the railroad panic of England (1846), an unfortunate physician -prescribed the following for a nervous lady:-- - - [R]. Great Western, 350 shares. - Eastern Counties,} - North Middlesex, } a. a. 1050. - - M. Haust. 1. Om. noc. cap. - -"This direction for a delicate lady to swallow nightly (noc.) 2450 -railway shares was cited as proof of the doctor's insanity, and the -management of his private affairs was placed in other hands." - -[Illustration: HOW A LADY PROCURED A VALUABLE PRESCRIPTION.] - -"A humersome doctor," as Mrs. Partington would say, gives the following - - CURE FOR THE BLUES. - - Tinc. Peruvii barki bitters, 1 oz. - Sugari albi, vel sweetningus, considerabilibus. - Spiritus frumenti, vel old repeus, ad lib. - Waterus pumpus, non multum. - Nutmegus, sprinklibus. - - -A SURE CURE. - -A physician of our acquaintance was called to a lady patient after she had -enjoyed a season of unusual domestic quarrels, who was not over long in -"turning herself wrong-side out"--as some females will insist upon doing, -for the edification of the medical man--telling, not only all about her -pains and aches, but her "trials with that man," her husband--her brutal -usage, her scanty wardrobe, her mortification on seeing Mrs. Outsprout -appear in a new blue silk, and a "love of a bonnet," and (after -entertaining the doctor with wine and good things) finally wind up in -hysterical sobs--for which he prescribed, as follows:-- - - [R]. One new silk dress--first quality. - One hat and feather. - One diamond--solitaire--aq. prim. - - Apply to patient. And 1 coach and span, to Central Park, P. M. - -The husband enjoyed the joke; the wife enjoyed the clothes, the diamond -pin, and the ride; and the doctor heard no more of their quarrels. - - -HEROIC DOSES. - -Just prior to the year 1800, two brothers, named Taylor, emerged from -obscurity in Yorkshire, and set up for doctors. They were farriers, and -from shoeing they advanced to doctoring and bleeding horses, thence to -drugging and butchering those of their fellow-creatures who naturally -preferred brute doctors to respectable physicians. Their system of -practice was a wholesale one. - -[Illustration: DOSE--ONE QUART EVERY HOUR.] - -"Soft chirurgions make foul sores," said Boleyn, the grandfather of the -beautiful and unfortunate Anne Boleyn. The Taylors struck no soft blows, -"but opened the warfare against disease by bombardment of shot and shell -in all directions. They bled their patients by the gallon, and drugged -them, as they did the cattle, by the stone. Their druggists, Ewbank & -Wallis, of York, supplied them with a ton of Glauber's salts at a time. -Scales and weights in their dispensary were regarded as bugbears of -ignoble minds. Everything was mixed by the scoop or handful. If they -ordered broth for a delicate patient, they directed the nurse to boil a -large leg of mutton in a copper of water, down to a strong decoction, and -administer a quart at stated intervals," _nolens volens?_ - -The little Abbe de Voisenon, the celebrated wit and dramatic writer -(1708-1775), was once sick at the chateau near Melum, and his physician -ordered him to drink a quart of ptisan (a decoction of barley and other -ingredients) every hour. - -"What was the effect of the ptisan?" asked the doctor, on his next visit. - -"None," replied the Abbe. - -"Have you swallowed it all?" - -"No; I could not take but half of it at once." - -"No more than half! My order was the whole," exclaimed the doctor. - -"Ah! now, friend," said the Abbe, "how could you expect me to swallow a -quart at a time, when I hold only a pint?" - - -DROWNING A FEVER. - -As the next anecdote has had to do service for more than one physician, it -is immaterial which doctor it was. He was an irascible old fellow, at -least, and not at all careful in leaving orders. - -"Your husband is very sick, woman," said the doctor to the wife of an -Irish laborer. "His fever is high, and skin as dry as a fish, or a parish -contribution box. You must give him plenty of cold water, all he will -drink, and to-night I'll see him again. There, don't come snivelling -around me. My heart is steeled against that sort of thing. But, as you -want something to cry for, just hear me. Your husband isn't going to die! -There, now, I know you are disappointed, but you brought it on to -yourself." Going away--"Mind, lots of water--" - -"Wather, sir! Hoo much wather, docther dear? He shall have it, but, yer -honor didn't tell me hoo much wather I must give him." - -"Zounds, woman, haven't I told you to give him all he will take? Hoo much? -Give him a couple of buckets full, if he will swallow them. Do you hear -now? Two buckets full." - -"The Lord bless yer honor," cried the woman; and the doctor made his -escape. - -At evening the doctor stopped, on his return, to ask after the patient. -"How is he, woman?" asked the doctor. - -"O, he's been tuck away, save yer honor," cried the widow. "The wather did -him no good, only we couldn't get down the right quantity. We did our -best, doctor dear, and got down him better nor a pailful and a half, when -he slipped away from us. Ah, if we could oonly ha' got him to swaller the -other half pailful, he might not have died, yer honor." - - -AN EXACT SCIENCE. - -It is sometimes painfully amusing to observe, not only the difference of -opinion expressed by medical men from one generation to another, but by -those of the same period, and same school. - -In the "London Lancet" of July, 1864, there appeared a curious table. A -medical practitioner, who had long suffered from hay fever, had from time -to time consulted various other medical men by letter, and he gives us in -a tabular survey the opinions they gave him of the causes of this disease, -and the remedies, as follows:-- - -"Herewith," writes Dr. Jones, "I forward a synopsis of the opinions of a -few of the most eminent men, in various countries, that I have consulted. -I have substituted a letter for the name, as I do not think it prudent to -place before the general reader the names of those who have so disagreed." - - Consulted. Opinion of Cause. Recommended. - - Dr. A. A predisposition to phthisis. Quinine and sea voyage. - Dr. B. Disease of pneumogastric nerve. Arsen., bell., and cinchona. - Dr. C. Disease of the caruncula. Apply bell. and zinc. - Dr. D. Inflammation of Schneiderian To paint with nitrate of - membrane. silver. - Dr. E. Strumous diathesis. Quinine, cod liver oil, and - wine. - Dr. F. Dyspepsia. Kreosote, henbane, quinine. - Dr. G. Vapor of chlorophyll. Remain in a room from 11 - A. M. to 6 P. M. - Dr. H. Light debility, hay pollen. Do., port wine, snuff, salt, - and opium, and wear blue - glasses. - Dr. L. From large doses of iodine. - (Never took any iodine.) Try quinine and opium. - Dr. M. Disease of iris. Avoid the sun's rays from 11 - A. M. to 6 P. M. - Dr. N. Want of red corpuscles. Try iron, port wine, and soups. - Dr. O. Disease of optic nerve. Phosph. ac. and quinine. - Dr. P. Asthma from hay pollen. Chlorodyne and quinine. - Dr. Q. Phrenitis. Small doses of opium. - Dr. R. Nervous debility, from heat. Turkish baths. - -This needs no comment. - -The different opinions on doses of medicine is more absurd. We have -already mentioned cases wherein certain physicians administered calomel in -scruple, and even drachm doses. Before us is a work wherein it is -seriously asserted that a medicinal action was obtained from the two -hundredth trituration,--a dose so small, in comparison with the scruple -doses, as to be counted only by the _millionths_. - -How many of us have had to wake up mornings, and swallow a table-spoonful -of sulphur and molasses, with mingled feelings of disgust at the sulphur, -and exquisite delight from the molasses, as we retired, lapping our -mouths, to get the last taste! Now, L. B. Wells, M. D., of New York, -informs us that he has cured an eruption of the skin by the use of the -four thousandth dilution of sulphur,--so comparatively small that I -cannot express it by figures. Well, these extremes have their uses, and we -may look for relief in the mediate ground. The smaller we can get the -dose, and still be reliable, the better we shall suit the people,--though -we shall seriously offend the apothecaries. - -Dr. Francis, in his book, "Surgeons of New York," tells the following, -which illustrates how a desperate remedy may apply to a desperate disease. -The cases in reference were "peritonitis." Dr. Smith (our "plough-boy") -had charge of the lying-in wards, under Professor Clark. - -"Dr. Smith, have you ever attended a common school?" asked Professor -Clark. - -"Yes, sir." - -"Did you ever hear a teacher say, 'I will whip you within an inch of your -life?'" pursued Dr. Clark. - -"Yes, sir; I have." - -"Well, that is the way I wish you to give opium to these patients,--'to -within an inch of their lives.'" - -Dr. Smith determined to follow implicitly his instructions, and gave to -one as high as twelve grains of opium an hour. - -"At this extreme point the remedy was maintained for several days. - -"The patient recovered, and remained in the hospital, attached to kitchen -service, for several months." - -Certainly, the poor Irish, even, have their uses in New York city. - - -MINERAL SPRINGS. - -The writer, having spent much time at the various mineral springs -throughout the United States, and partaken of the water of some for weeks -in succession, is competent to give an opinion as to their merits. -Collectively, they are commendable, especially those located in country -places, away from scenes of dissipation and profligacy. - -The only reliable way to expect benefit from spring waters is to select -one by the advice of your physician, and go direct to the spring. - -Much of the bottled waters sold are "doctored," either by the retailer, -the wholesaler, or often at the springs from where they are exported. Who -is to know whether Vichy, Kissengen, Saratoga, or even Vermont mineral -water, as sold by the package, ever saw the respective springs from which -they are named? The various mineral waters are easily made, by adding to -carbonized water such peculiar minerals, or salts, as analysis has shown -exists in the natural springs. I knew a man who affirmed that he ruined a -suit of clothes, while employed at a certain spring, by the acids with -which he "doctored" the water, before it was shipped. Sulphuret of -potassium covers the properties of many springs; iron others. - -It has been intimated that the waters of a celebrated spring which I -visited is indebted for its peculiar flavor to an old tannery, which, -within the memory of that mythical being, "the oldest inhabitant," -occupied the site where this favorite spring "gushes forth." Having no -desire to be tanned inside,--after my boyhood's experience in that -delightful external process,--I respectfully declined drinking from this -spring. - -By the immense quantities of "spring water" gulped down hourly and daily -by visitors, one is led to suppose the cure lies in a thorough washing -out. There is an excellent spring near Nashville, Tenn., from which I -drank for a week; also another at Sheldon, Vt. There are three different -springs at this latter place, but I prefer the "Sheldon" to either of the -other two. I discovered a good spring at Newport, Vt., and there are -others in that vicinity. - - -COLD DRINKS VS. WARM DRINKS. - -"Drink freely of cold water," says an author of no small repute, to -persons of a weak stomach, viz., dyspeptics. - -When I was an apprentice, my master (Sir Charles Blicke) used to say, "O, -sir, you are faint: pray drink this water." "And what do you think was the -effect of putting cold water into a man's stomach, under these -circumstances?" asks the great Dr. Abernethy. "Why, of course, that it was -often rejected in his face." Never put cold water, or cold victuals, into -a weak stomach. - -The above surgeon is responsible for the following advice. - -An Irishman called in great haste upon the doctor, saying,-- - -"O, dochter--be jabers, me b'y Tim has swallowed a mouse." - -"Then, Paddy, be jabers, let your boy Tim swallow a cat." - - -THE OLD LADY AND THE PUMP. - -One can readily conceive the utility of a warm bath--even a cold water -bath, if the bather is robust--or a steam bath, a vapor, or a sun bath; -but the advantage of the absurdity which the nineteenth century has -introduced from antiquity, viz., the dry cupping, or pumping treatment, is -not so self-evident. - -An old lady, suffering from "rheumatism, and a humor of the blood," was -persuaded to visit a "pump-doctor's" rooms. - -"What's that hollow thing for?" she nervously inquired. - -"That is a limb-receiver," replied the polite operator. "If the disease is -in the limb, we enclose it within this; the rubber excludes the air, and -to this faucet we affix the pump, and remove the air from the limb." - -"Yes, yes; but I thought air was necessary to health; besides, I don't see -how that is going to cure the limb. Does it add anything to, or take -anything from the limb?" she inquired. - -"Well--no--yes; that is, it draws the disease out from that part." - -"Yes, yes; but suppose the disease is all over the person, as mine is." - -"Then we place them in this," putting his hand upon an article which she -had not before discovered. - -"That? Why, that looks like the case to a Dutchman's pipe, only a sight -times larger. And do tell if you shet folks up in that box," cautiously -approaching and examining it. - -The operator assured her such was the case. - -"Is the disease left in the box when you are done pumping? Does it really -suck all the disease into the thing by the process?" she inquired. - -"Well, madam, you put your questions in a remarkable manner. But it -displaces the air around the person, and the vital principle within forces -out the disease. It is certain to benefit all diseases," he replied. - -"Well, I don't see how it can, if it can't be seen. Does it act as physic, -emetic, a bath, or do the sores follow right out of the blood into the -box?" - -"Neither, madam." The operator was very patient. "Just try the -limb-receiver first; then you can tell better about the whole treatment." - -After much persuasion, and by the assistance of the female operator, the -old lady was seated, and the limb-receiver adjusted. Now the man in the -next room began to pump. The old lady was very nervous, and felt for her -snuff-box, and while so doing the man was still pumping. Having taken the -snuff, her mind again referred to the limb in the box, and the pressure -(suction) having naturally increased, her nervousness overcame her, and -with a scream and a bound she left the chair and rushed for the door, -dragging the receiver, which clung tight to the one limb, rather -outweighing the boot and hose of the other, drawing the gutta-percha pipe -after her, which only added to her fright, and with another scream for -"help," and "O, will nobody save me?--O, murder, murder!" she, like a -bound lion, went the length of her chain, and tumbled over in a heap on -the floor. The woman rushed from behind the screen, the man from the -pump-room, and rescued the old lady, who fled to her carriage in waiting; -and doubtless to her dying day she will continue to tell of how narrowly -she escaped "being sucked entirely through that gutta-percha pipe--only -for her having on a bustle." - - -COUNTRY MISTAKES. - -A Canadian, of a nervous, consumptive diathesis, went down to Portland, -Maine, to consult a physician, and fell in with old Dr. F., whom he found -busily engaged in examining some papers. The old doctor heard his case, -and hurriedly wrote him a prescription. The chirography of the doctor was -none of the best, yet the Portland druggists, who were familiar with his -scrawls, could easily decipher his prescriptions. Not so the country -apothecary, to whom the patient took the recipe, to save expense, which -was something as follows: "Spiritus frumenti et valerianum," etc.; then -followed the directions for taking. - -After much delay and consultation with the green-grocer boy, it was put up -as a painter's article, viz., "spirits turpentine and varnish." - -The first glass-full satisfied the invalid. - - -DRUNK, OR SOBER. - -A gentleman, knowing the parties in his boyhood, rehearsed to me the -following anecdote:-- - -Old Dr. Gallup, of ----, N. H., was an excellent physician, whose failing -lay in his propensity to imbibe more spirits then he could carry off. - -"Are you drunk, or sober?" was no unusual question, put by those requiring -his services, before permitting the old doctor to prescribe. - -[Illustration: "PUMPING" AN OLD LADY.] - -[Illustration: A DANGEROUS PRESCRIPTION.] - -"Sober as a judge. What--hic--do you want?" he would reply. - -Mr. B., who had been a long time confined to his house, under the care of -an old fogy doctor, one of the "Gods of Medicine," with whom all knowledge -remains, and with whom all knowledge dies, after taking nearly all the -drugs contained in his Materia Medica, decided to change, and sent for Dr. -Gallup. - -"Are you drunk, or sober, doctor?" was the first salutation. - -"Sober as a judge. What's wanted?" was the reply, omitting the "hic." - -"Can you cure me? I've been blistered and parboiled, puked and physicked, -bled in vein and pocket for the last three months. Now, can you cure me?" - -Gallup looked over the case, and the medicine left by the other doctor, -threw the latter all out of the window, ordered a nourishing diet, told -Mr. B. to take no more drugs, took his fee, and left. Mr. B. recovered -without another visit. - -[Illustration] - - - - -XXI. - -SCENES FROM HOSPITAL AND CAMP. - - "HE FOUGHT MIT SIEGEL."--A HOSPITAL SCENE AT NIGHT.--ADMINISTERING - ANGELS.--"WATER! WATER!"--THE SOLDIER-BOY'S DYING MESSAGE.--THE - WELL-WORN BIBLE.--WARM HEARTS IN FROZEN BODIES.--"PUDDING AND - MILK."--THE POETICAL AND AMUSING SIDE.--"TO AMELIA."--MY LOVE AND - I.--A SCRIPTURAL CONUNDRUM.--MARRYING A REGIMENT. - - - I met him again; he was trudging along, - His knapsack with chickens was swelling; - He'd "blenkered" these dainties, and thought it no wrong, - From some secessionist's dwelling. - "What regiment's yours, and under whose flag - Do you fight?" said I, touching his shoulder; - Turning slowly about, he smilingly said,-- - For the thought made him stronger and bolder,-- - "I fights mit Siegel." - - The next time I saw him, his knapsack was gone, - His cap and his canteen were missing; - Shell, shrapnell, and grape, and the swift rifle-ball, - Around him and o'er him were hissing. - "How are you, my friend, and where have you been? - And for what, and for whom, are you fighting?" - He said, as a shell from the enemy's gun - Sent his arm and his musket a-kiting, - "I fights mit Siegel." - - We scraped out his grave, and he dreamlessly sleeps - On the bank of the Shenandoah River; - His home and his kindred alike are unknown, - His reward in the hands of the Giver. - We placed a rough board at the head of his grave, - "And we left him alone in his glory," - But on it we cut, ere we turned from the spot, - The little we knew of his story-- - "I fights mit Siegel."--GRANT P. ROBINSON. - -If any of the little "life stories" which I here relate in this brief -chapter, have perchance before met the reader's eye, I can only say that -they cannot be read too often. We need no longer go back to remotest -history--to Joan d'Arc, Grace Darling, Florence Nightingale, nor to -revolutionary scenes--to find "cases of courage and devotion, for no -annals are so rich as ours in these deliberate acts of unquestioning -self-sacrifice, which at once ennoble our estimate of human nature, and -increase the homage we pay to the virtues of women." - - -A HOSPITAL SCENE AT NIGHT. - -Night gathered her sable mantle about earth and sky, and the cold, wintry -wind swept around the temporary hospital with a mournful wail, a rude -lullaby, and a sad requiem to the wounded and dying soldier boys who -crowded its rankling wards. Through the dark, sickly atmosphere, by the -flickering lamp-lights, are just discernible the long rows of suffering, -dying humanity. As the wind lulls, the sighs and groans of the unfortunate -sufferers greet your ears on every side. "Water, water!" is the general -request. - -Every moment new ones are added to the mangled and suffering throng, as -they are brought in from the battle-field and the amputating-room. The -surgeons are busily at work. Every able-bodied soldier must be at the -front, for the emergency is great. Ah! who shall give the "water" which -raging thirst momentarily demands? Who is to soothe the fearful anguish, -from lacerated nerve and muscle, by cruel shot and shell? And who shall -smooth the dying pillow, hear the last prayer, for self, and for loved -ones far away in the northern homes? And who will kindly receive the dying -messages for those dear ones,--wife, children, father, mother,--whom he -never will see again, and kiss the pallid cheek, commend the soul to God, -and close the eyes forever of the poor soldier boy, who died away from -home and friends, in the hospital? - -God himself had raised up those to fill this sacred office, in the form of -frail women--woman, because no man could fill the hallowed sphere. -Flitting from couch to couch, like a fairy thing, noiselessly; like an -angel of mercy, administering, soothing; but like a _woman_, beautiful, -frail, and slender, with a cheering smile, and sympathy, as much expressed -in the light of the eye as the sound of the voice, she moistened the -parched lips, lightened the pillows, and the hearts, and seemed never to -tire in deeds of love and kindness to the distressed soldiers. - -Next to the soldiers, the physicians know how to appreciate the true women -at the hospital couch. After the manifestations of skill, labor, anxiety, -and devotion to the cause by the physicians, thousands of men would have -perished but for the hand and heart of woman, and who now live to speak -her praise and cherish her memory forever. - -"Ain't she an angel?" said a gray-haired veteran, as she gave the boys -their breakfast. "She never seems to tire; she is always smiling, and -don't seem to walk, but flies from one to another. God bless her." - -"Ma'am, where did you come from?" asked a fair boy of seventeen summers, -as she smoothed his hair, and told him, with gleaming eyes, he would soon -see his mother, and the old homestead, and be won back to life and health. -"How could such a lady as you come way down here to take care of us poor, -sick, dirty boys?" - -"I consider it an honor," she said, "to wait on you, and wash off the mud -you have waded through for me." - -Said another, "Lady, please write down your name, that I may look at it, -and take it home, and show my wife who wrote my letters, combed my hair, -and fed me. I don't believe you're like other people." - -"God bless her, and spare her life," they would say, with devotion, as she -passed on. - -(These things were written of Miss Breckenbridge by Mrs. Hoge, of -Chicago.) - - -THE SOLDIER BOY'S DYING MESSAGE. - -She sat by the couch of a fair-haired boy, who was that day mortally -wounded. It was night now, and in the hospital before described. The poor -boy knew he must go, but before he died he wanted to leave a message of -love for his mother, away in the northern home. - -"Tell me all you wish to have her know; I will convey your message to -her," said the lady, as she bent her slender young form over the dying -boy, and tenderly smoothed back the fleecy locks from his pallid brow. - -[Illustration: THE DYING MESSAGE.] - -"O, bless you, dear lady. You speak words of such joy to me. But it is -this. I left a good mother, and sister Susie, in the dear old home in A. -O, so much I have longed to see them during these last few hours! to see -them but for one moment! O God, but for one moment!" And while he took -breath she turned away her beautiful face to hide the falling tears, -which she must not let the poor boy see. "Tell her," he pursued,--"my -mother,--that I never found out how much I loved her till I came away from -her side to fight for my country. O, lady, tell her this, and Susie, and -poor father. I see it all now. And the old home comes back to my mind as -clear as though I left it but yesterday. There is the old house, with its -gabled roof, and the porch, all covered with clinging jessamines, and the -big house-dog lying under the porch, and the great old well-sweep; and off -in the meadow are the trees I used to climb. O, I never, never shall see -them again. I feel very weak. Can't I have some more of that drink?" - -"Yes, poor, dear boy. Here; the surgeon said you could have all you -wanted." - -"O, thank you. I wish I could write. O, there; that is so refreshing. If I -could but write and tell her how good you have been to me! But write your -name to her, the whole of it. She will understand, if you don't tell her -how good you are. Well, I won't say any more, for you shake your head; but -tell her how I love her, and them all. Am I fainting?" - -She arose from her knees, and taking some water, with her hand she -moistened his brow and his silky hair, and offered him some more of the -strengthening cordial. But he declined taking it. The boy was dying. He -made one more effort, and said,-- - -"Mother! Tell her, too, how I have kept her little Bible; and she can see -how it has been read, and marked, and worn. O for one sight of her dear -face, one look from her loving eyes, one kiss from her lips! I'd then die -in peace." - -The beautiful lady softly smoothed his hair, wiped his face, whispered -words too sacred for sterner hearts, and kissed away her own tears from -his pallid cheeks. - -"Mother! Was it you? Then good by. I die--happy, Mother!" - -Thus he expired. The good lady wrote the above to the mother of the brave -lad, and thus I obtained the original. - - -WARM HEARTS IN FROZEN BODIES. - -"A lady in one of the hospitals of the west was much attracted by two -young men, lying side by side, all splintered and bandaged, so that they -could not move hand or foot, but so cheerful and happy looking, that she -said,-- - -"'Why, boys, you are looking very bright to-day.' - -"'O, yes,' they replied, 'we're all right now; we've been turned this -morning.' - -"And she found that for six long weeks they had lain in one position, and -for the first time that morning had been moved to the other side of their -cot. - -"'And were you among those poor boys who were left lying where you fell, -that bitter cold morning, till you froze fast to the ground?' - -"'Yes, ma'am; we were lying there two days. You know they had no time to -attend to us. They had to go and take the fort.' - -"'And didn't you think it was very cruel in them to leave you there to -suffer so long?' she inquired. - -"'Why, no, ma'am; we wanted them to go and take the fort.' - -"'But when it was taken, you were in too great agony to know or care for -it?' - -"'O, no, ma'am,' they replied, with flashing eyes. 'There was a whole lot -of us wounded fellows on the hill-side, watching to see if they would get -the fort; and when we saw they had it, every one of us who had a whole -arm, or leg, waved it in the air, and hurrahed till the air rang again.'" - -This is from a letter by Miss M. E. Breckenbridge, a lady who laid down -her life for the sick soldiers. - - -PUDDING AND MILK. - -Under Dr. Vanderkieft's supervision, in Sedgwick's corps, there was one of -the noblest self-sacrificing women of the army of the Potomac. This lady -was unwearied in her efforts for the good of the soldiers. - -While at Smoketown Hospital, there was a poor, emaciated soldier, whose -weak and pitiable condition attracted her attention. He could retain -nothing on his stomach. Mrs. Lee--for that was the lady--had tried all the -various dishes for which the meagre hospital supplies afforded materials, -but nothing afforded the patient relief and nourishment, until one day, in -overhauling the stores, she found a quantity of Indian corn meal. - -"O, I have found a prize," she cried, in delight. - -"What is it?" inquired the little fellow detailed as orderly. - -"Indian meal," was her reply. - -"Pshaw! I thought you had found a bag of dollars." - -"Better than dollars. Bring it along." And she hastened away to the tent -where lay her poor patient. - -"Sanburn," said she,--for that was the invalid's name,--"could you eat -some mush?" - -"I don't know what that is. I don't like any of your fancy dishes." - -"Why, it's pudding and milk," said a boy on the next cot. - -"O, yes," exclaimed the starving soldier. "I think I could eat a bucket -full of pudding and milk." - -Mrs. Lee was not long in giving him an opportunity for the trial. She at -first brought him a small quantity, with some sweet milk, and to her joy, -as well as that of the lean, hungry patient, it suited him. He ate it -three times a day, and recovered. Indeed, the sack of meal was worth more -than a sack of dollars, as she had said. - -As strange as this may seem, there are instances on record where very -remarkable, yea, absurd articles of diet have cured where medicine -failed. - - -SMALL BEER. - -The Earl of Bath, when he was Mr. Pulteney, was very sick of the -pleuristic fever, in Staffordshire. Doctor after doctor had been called -down from London, till his secretary had paid out the sum of three -thousand seven hundred and fifty dollars. The last two physicians had -given him up. "He must die," said Drs. Friend and Broxholm. They, however -prescribed some simple remedies, and were about to leave, when the -invalid, just alive, was heard to mutter, "Small beer." - -"He asks for small beer," said the attendants. "Shall we give him some?" - -"Yes, give him 'small beer,' or anything," replied the doctors. - -A great two-quart silver pitcher full was brought, and he drank the whole -contents, and demanded more. The request was granted, and, after drinking -the gallon, he fell asleep, perspired freely, and recovered. - - -THE POETICAL AND AMUSING SIDE. - -There is a poetical side, as well as a prosy side, to the camp and -hospital. The following effusion of confusion was sent to the writer by a -brother who gave his life for his country. It was written by a rebel -soldier, who never realized his dream, and doubtless his "Amelia" mourns -his loss as sincerely as though he had fought in a better cause. - - -TO AMELIA. - -1. O, come, my love, and go away to the land up north; for there, they -say, it's rite good picketin' for rebel boys. And we'll take the land, and -sweep the band of New Yorkers into the bay. - -2. I've heered of Delmonico's, and Barnum's Shows, and how many hotels the -land only knows. And we'll steer our bark for Centre Park. Here's a health -to ourselves, and away she goes. (Here I drank.) - -3. Then come with your knight so true, and down with the boys that's -dressed in blue. Farewell to hoe-cake an' hominy, Richmond and Montgomery. -I'll lick the damn Yankees, an' marry you. - -4. Here's a heart, I reckon, as firm's a rock; no truer ever beat neath a -gray or blue frock. So come, my love, and haste away. We'll moor our bark -in New York Bay, when I end this fighting work. - - Your true lover, - J. PARSLOE. - -The next has been in print, and was written by Major McKnight, while a -prisoner. "He was a poet, musician, and joker, and used to run from grave -to gay, from lively to severe, on almost all mottoes. He was an especial -favorite with his guard, the Union boys." - - -MY LOVE AND I. - - My love reposes in a rosewood frame; - A bunk have I; - A couch of feath'ry down fills up the same; - Mine's straw, but dry. - She sinks to rest at night without a sigh; - With waking eyes I watch the hours creep by. - - My love her daily dinner takes in state; - And so do I; - The richest viands flank her plate; - Coarse grub have I. - Pure wines she sips at ease her thirst to slake; - I pump my drink from Erie's limpid lake. - - My love has all the world at will to roam; - Three acres I; - She goes abroad, or quiet sits at home; - So cannot I. - Bright angels watch around her couch at night; - A Yank, with loaded gun, keeps me in sight. - - A thousand weary miles stretch between - My love and I; - To her, this wintry night, cold, calm, serene, - I waft a sigh, - And hope, with all my earnestness of soul, - To-morrow's mail may bring me my parole. - - There's hope ahead: we'll one day meet again, - My love and I; - We'll wipe away all tears of sorrow then; - Her love-lit eye - Will all my many troubles then beguile, - And keep this wayward reb from Johnson's Isle. - -[Illustration: STUCK!] - - -A SCRIPTURAL CONUNDRUM. - -The Georgia contrabands were great on conundrums, says a soldier of -Sherman's army. One day one of these human "charcoal sketches" was -driving a pair of contrary mules hitched to a cart loaded with foraging -stuff. He was sitting on the load, saying to himself, "Now dat Clem ax me -dat cundrum to bodder dis nigger, and I done just make it out. 'Why ar -Moses like er cotton-gin?' I done see. I mighty 'fraid I hab to gib dat -up. Whoa! Git up? What de debble you doin'?" - -While "cudgelling his brains" for a solution of Clem's conundrum, the -mules had strayed from the cart road, and were stuck hard and fast in the -mud. "Git up dar yer Balum's cusses!" piling on the whip and using some -"swear words" not to be repeated. "Dar, take dat, and dat, yer!" - -Just then Chaplain C. rode up, and hearing the contraband swearing, -said,-- - -"Do you know what the great I Am said?" - -"Look'er yer, masser," interrupted the negro; "done yer ax me none of yer -cundrums till I git out ob dis d---- hole; and I answer Clem's fust--'Why -am Moses like er gin-cotton?'" - - -WOULDN'T MARRY A REGIMENT. - -When General Kelley was after Mosby's guerrillas, he captured a girl named -Sally Dusky, whose two brothers were officers in the guerrilla band. The -general tried in vain to induce the girl--who was not bad looking, by the -way--to reveal the rebs' hiding-places. Having failed in all other ways, -the general said,-- - -"If you will make a clean breast of it, and tell us truly, I will give you -the chances for a husband of all the men and officers of my command." - -With this bait he turned her over to Captain Baggs. After some -deliberation she asked that officer if the general meant what he said. - -"O, most assuredly; the general was sincere," was his reply. - -The girl assumed a thoughtful mood for some moments, and then said,-- - -"Well, I wouldn't like to marry the whole regiment, or staff, but I'd as -lief have the old general as any of them." - -[Illustration] - - - - -XXII. - -GLUTTONS AND WINE-BIBBERS. - - "Full well he knew, where food does not refresh, - The shrivelled soul sinks inward with the flesh; - That he's best armed for danger's rash career, - _Who's crammed so full there is no room for fear_." - - "Strange! that a creature rational, and cast - In human mould, should brutalize by choice - His nature."--COWPER. - - GOOD CHEER AND A CHEERFUL HEART.--A MODERN SILENUS.--A SAD - WRECK.--DELIRIUM TREMENS.--FATAL ERRORS.--"EATING LIKE A - GLUTTON."--STRENGTH IN WEAKNESS.--A HOT PLACE, EVEN FOR A COOK.--A - HUNGRY DOCTOR.--THE MODERN GILPIN.--A CHANGE! A SOW FOR A HORSE!--A - DUCK POND.--THE FORLORN WIDOW.--A SCIENTIFIC - GORMAND.--ANOTHER.--"DOORN'T GO TO 'IM," ETC.--DR. BUTLER'S BEER AND - BATH.--CASTS HIS LAST VOTE. - - -If I confine this chapter to modern physicians, it will be brief. Though -doctors are usually pretty good livers, they, at this day of the world, -too well know the deadly properties of the villanous concoctions sold as -liquors to risk much of it in their own systems. - -There is a whole sermon on eating in our first text above, and, while we -admit that gluttony is reprehensible, we detest "the shrivelled soul" who -starves wittingly his body to heap up riches, or under the idle delusion -of starving out disease, or "mortifying the flesh." If not very -"mortifying," it is very depressing, to be bored by one of these "lean, -lank hypochondriacs,"--to have to entertain, or be entertained by, such. -O, give me the wide-mouthed, the round-faced, or abdomened, the cheerful, -laughing man, especially if he's a doctor. - -[Illustration: A GOOD LIVER.] - -"Ah, doctor," said a poor, emaciated invalid to me during my first year's -practice at ----, "you do me good like a medicine by your presence. Why, -the blue devils leave the house the moment you enter. I don't believe you -was ever blue." - -"Hereafter my patients shall never know that I am." - -Nor is it necessary to gulp down ardent spirits to keep the spirits up. -Stimulants produce an unnatural buoyancy of spirits, and the unnatural -destroys the natural habit of the system. A good and natural habit does -not grow upon a person to his injury; an unnatural one always does, ending -in his destruction. A good living gives good spirits; _caeteris paribus_, a -poor living low spirits. - - -A MODERN SILENUS. - -Silenus, of the mythologists, was a demigod, who became the nurse, the -preceptor, and finally the attendant, of Bacchus. He was represented as a -fat, bloated old fellow, riding on an ass, and drunk every day in the -year. - -I knew a "bright and shining light" in the medical profession who turned -out a modern Silenus. This was Dr. G., of Plymouth, Conn. His father had -given him the best medical education which this country afforded. He was a -gentleman of superior address, as well as talent, tall, straight, and -handsome as an Apollo, with a dark, flashing eye, a massive brow, shaded -by a profusion of jet-black locks. How long he had practised medicine I do -not know. Throughout the county he had an excellent professional -reputation, particularly as a surgeon. His instruments were numerous, and -of the best and latest improvements. Alas that such a man should be lost -to the community, and to humanity! But his appetite for intoxicating drink -knew no bounds. His thirst was as insatiable as Tantalus'. - -When I first knew him, he still was in practice, but the better portion of -the community had ceased to trust him. He never was sober for a day. He -occupied then a little office in the square, containing a front and a back -room. In the latter were his few medicines,--there was no apothecary in -town,--and a number of large glass jars, containing excellent anatomical -and foetal specimens. This room was not finished inside, and the walls -were full of nails, projecting through from the clapboards outside. - -One day a Mr. Hotchkiss went after him, hoping to find the doctor -sufficiently sober to prescribe for a patient, in a case of emergency. - -"What do you suppose I found him doing?" said Mr. Hotchkiss to me. - -"Hiding from the snakes in his back room?" I suggested. - -"No, sir; he had the tremens, and with his coat off, his hair standing -every way, his eyes glaring like a demon's, he had his case of forceps -strewn over the floor, and was diving at the ends of the clapboard nails, -which he called devils, that came through the boards, in the back office." - -"Ah, there you are! Another devil staring at me!" he shouted; and with the -bright, gleaming forceps he dove at a nail, wrenched it from the wall, and -flinging it on the floor, he stamped on it, crying, "Another dead devil! -Come on. Ah, ha! there you are again!" and he dove at another. When he -broke a forceps he flung it on the floor, and caught a new pair. I tried -to stop him, but he only accused me of being leagued with his evil majesty -to destroy him. - -[Illustration: A DOCTOR KILLING THE DEVILS.] - -[Illustration: PAYING FOR HIS WINE.] - -Another day, after having pawned nearly all his instruments for money -with which to buy liquor to appease his raving appetite, he was seen to -unseal one of the jars containing a foetal specimen, pour out a quantity -of the diluted alcohol in which it had long been preserved, and drink it -down with the avidity of a starving man. - -His last instrument and case pawned, he sold the coat from his back to buy -liquors. He could no longer get practice, no longer pay his board, and he -became an outcast from all respectable society, and a frequenter of -bar-rooms. A poor and simple old woman in the remote part of the town took -compassion on him, and gave him a home. But nothing could chain his -uncontrollable passion for intoxicating drinks. - -[Illustration: A BAR-ROOM DOCTOR.] - -The last time I saw him was in the month of December. He was in a grocery, -warming himself by the store fire. He wore a crownless hat, a woman's -shawl over his shoulders, and a pair of boy's pants partially covered his -legs; no stockings covered his ankles, and a pair of old, low shoes -encased his feet. The light had fled from his once beautiful, lustrous -eyes; great wrinkles furrowed his once manly brow; his hair, once dark and -glossy as the raven's wing, was now streaked with gray, uncombed and -unkempt, hanging, knotted and snarled, over his neck and bloated face. - -"Don't you recollect me?" he asked, with a shaking voice and a distressing -effort at a smile. Ah, it was sickening to the senses. - -Alas! Such another wreck may I never behold. What power shall awaken him -from his awful condition, and - - "Picture a happy past, - Gone from his sight, - Bring back his early youth, - Cloudless and bright; - Tell how a mother's eye - Watched while he slept, - Tell how she prayed for him, - Sorrowed and wept. - - "Point to the better land, - Home of the blest, - Where she has passed away, - Gone to her rest. - O'er the departed one - Memory will yearn; - God, in his mercy, grant - He may return." - - -FATAL ERRORS. - -Unfortunately, it is much easier to copy a great man's imperfections than -those qualities which give him his greatness. Too often, also, are their -defects mistaken for their marks of distinction,--vice for virtue,--and -copied by the young, who have not the ability to imitate their greatness. - -"General Grant smokes!" - -"_President_ Grant drinks!" - -These two sentences, with the lamentable fact of their probable truth, -have made more smokers of young men in the military and civil walks of -life than all other texts in the English language. General or President -Grant is not responsible for the lack of brains in the community, to be -sure; but if "great men" will persist in bad habits, young men should be -taught the difference between them and their virtues, and cautioned to -shun them, or their bark will be stranded far out of sight of their -desired haven,--the port of their ambition,--and nothing but a worthless -wreck remains to tell what better piloting might have done for them. The -voyage ended cannot be re-commenced. - -A student of medicine, in New York, brought a bottle of liquor to our -room. I told him where that bottle would carry him. - -"Pshaw! It's only a pint of wine. Dr. Abernethy, the great English -surgeon, bought one hundred and twenty-six gallons at once, and he did not -_die a drunkard_," was his contemptuous reply. - -"But you must remember that Abernethy lived in the days of _good_ port -wine, when every man had something to say of the sample his hospitality -produced of his popular beverage. The doctor, who never was intemperate, -was very hospitable. - -"'Honest John Lloyd!'--what an anomaly when applied to a rum-seller--was a -great wine merchant of London, a particular friend of Abernethy's, and of -all great men of his day, who loved wines and brandies. - -"One day I went to Lloyd's just as Dr. Abernethy left. - -"'Well,' said Mr. Lloyd, 'what a funny man your master is.' - -"'Who?' said I. - -"Why, Mr. Abernethy. He has just been here and paid me for a pipe of wine, -and threw down a handful of notes and pieces of paper, with fees. I wanted -him to stop to see if they were all right, and said, 'Some of those fees -may be more than you think, perhaps.' 'Never mind,' said he; 'I can't -stop; you have them as I took them,' and hastily went his way. - -"In occasional habits we may most safely recollect that faults are no less -faults (as Mirabeau said of Frederick the Great) because they have the -shadow of a great name; and we believe that no good man would desire to -leave a better expiation of any weakness than that it should deter others -from a similar error." - -In fact, the doctor was opposed to drunkenness, and also gluttony, -although he himself "was a good liver," as the following anecdote will -show:-- - -A wealthy merchant who resided in the country had been very sick, and -barely recovered, when, from the same cause, he was again threatened with -a return of the like disease. - -"I went to see him at home, and dined with him. He seemed to think that if -he did not drink deeply, he might _eat like a glutton_," said the doctor. -"Well, I saw he was at his old tricks again, and I said to him, 'Sir, what -would you think of a merchant, who, having been prosperous in business and -amassed a comfortable fortune, went and risked it all in what he knew was -an imprudent speculation?' - -"Why, sir," he exclaimed, "I should say he was a great ass." - -"'Nay, then, thou art the man,' said Abernethy." - -The leopard does not change his spots. For the truth of this read the life -and fall of Uniac. - -O, it is a fearful thing to become a drunkard. - -The habit once acquired is never gotten entirely rid of. It sleeps--it -never dies, but with the death of the victim. - -Young men, avoid the first drink. Never take that first fatal glass; thus, -and only thus, are you safe from a drunkard's grave, and the curse -entailed upon your progeny. - - -STRENGTH IN WEAKNESS. - -"Sir, I am advised that you have a barrel of beer in your room," said the -president of one of our New England colleges to a student, who, contrary -to rule and usage, had actually purchased a barrel of the delightful stuff -made from brewed hops, copperas, and filthy slops, and deposited it under -the bed, convenient for use. - -"Yes, sir; such is the fact," replied the student. - -"What explanation can you give for such conduct, sir?" - -"Well," began the student with the boldest confidence, "the truth is, my -physician, in consideration of my ill health, advised me to take a little -ale daily; and not wishing to be seen visiting the beer-shops where the -beverage is retailed, I decided to buy a barrel, and take it quietly at my -room." - -"Indeed! and have you derived the anticipated benefit therefrom, sir?" -inquired the president. - -"O, yes, sir; indeed I have. Why, when I first had the barrel placed in my -room two weeks ago, I could not move it. Now, sir, I can carry it with the -greatest of ease." - -The president _smiled_, and ordered the barrel removed, saying that "in -consideration of his rapid convalescence the treatment could safely be -discontinued." - - -A WARM PLACE FOR A COOK. - -Soon after the completion of the Roberts Opera House, in Hartford, Conn., -the Putnam Phalanx held a grand ball within its walls. The music was -exquisite; the prompters the best in the state; the ladies were the most -beautiful and dressy in the land; and all went splendidly, till the supper -was discussed. There had been a misunderstanding about the number for whom -supper was to be prepared, and it was found out, when too late, that there -were a hundred more guests than plates. The supper was spread in the -basement. When the writer went down with friends, the tables, which had -already been twice occupied, presented a disgusting scene--all heaped up -with dirty dishes, debris of "fowl, fish, and dessert," and great -complaint was made by the hungry dancers, while some unpleasant epithets, -and uncomplimentary remarks were hurled at the heads of the innocent -caterers. - -With our party were Dr. C., a great joker, and Dr. D., his match. - -"If you don't like this fare you can go through into the restaurant," said -one of the waiters. "It is all the same," he added. - -We required no second invitation. We did ample justice to the fare -provided, and retired, leaving Dr. C. to bring up the rear. In a half -minute he came running after us, saying,-- - -"The fellow told me I must pay for the supper in there, extra!" - -"Well, what did you tell him?" - -"Why, I told him to go to h----." - -"Well, you did right; let him go; that is just the place for him." - -On another occasion, the dinner not being forthcoming at a hotel where we -dined, the doctor "fell to," and soon demolished the best part of a -blanc-mange pudding before him. - -"That, sir, is dessert," politely interrupted the waiter, in dismay at -seeing his dessert so rapidly disappearing. - -"No matter," said the doctor, finishing it; "I could eat it if it were the -Great Sahara!" - - -A MODERN GILPIN. - -The widow Wealthy lived in the country. She was a blooming widow, fair, -plump, and--sickly. She owned a valuable farm, just turning off from the -main thoroughfare,--broad acres, nice cottage house, great barn and -granary, and she was considered, by certain eligible old bachelors, and a -widower or two, as "a mighty good catch." - -Dr. Filley practised in the country. He was a bachelor, above forty. He -was a short, thick-set man, with a fair practice, which might have been -better, but for certain whispers about a growing propensity to--drinking! -That's the word. Of course he denied the insinuation, and defied any one -to prove that he was ever the worse for liquor. The doctor was attendant, -professionally, upon the widow, and--well you know how the gossips manage -that sort of a thing in the country. But who was to know whether "the -doctor made more visits per week to the widow Wealthy than her state of -health seemed to warrant"? or who knew that "the widow was 'sweet' towards -the little doctor, and that she intended he should throw the bill all in -at the end of the year--himself to boot?" Never mind his rivals; they do -not come into our amusing story. - -John, the widow's hired man, was sent very unexpectedly, one day in -autumn, for the doctor to call that afternoon, to see the invalid. Very -unexpectedly to the widow, and greatly to her mortification, two gossiping -neighbors called at her residence just as the doctor was expected to -arrive. "O, she was so glad to see Mrs. ---- and Mrs. ----!" - -Dr. Filley rode a scraggy little Canadian horse,--a fiery, headstrong -beast, but a good saddle horse. Somehow, the unexpected call, at that -hour, slightly "flustered" the little doctor; but he threw his saddle-bags -over his shoulder, mounted the beast, and turned his head towards the -widow's residence. - -"I b'lieve I am a little nervous over this colt; I wonder what's the -matter!" And he tried to rein up the headstrong little beast, to give -himself time to--sober off! - -"I reary bl'eve I'm a little--taken by surprise--ho, Charley! Why, what's -got inter--pony? Goes like 'r devil. Ho, ho, boy." - -Pretty soon the beast struck into a gallop; and now he reached the lane -that led into Mrs. Wealthy's farm. The pony knew the lane as well as his -master, and the barn better. The said lane led by the barn-yard and -out-buildings, the house being beyond. The barn-yard bars were down, and -the pony made for the opening, in a clean gallop, over the fallen bars, -right in amongst the cattle, the sheep, and the swine. A big ox gave a -bellow at the sudden arrival, and, with tail and head in air, ran to the -opposite side of the yard, intruding upon the comfort of a big old sow, -that was dozing in the mud. With a loud snort, the discomfited porker -rushed from the mire just in time to meet the horse, and in attempting to -pass on both sides at once, she went between the short fore legs of the -pony, and brought up with a loud squeal, and a shock that sent the rider -over the horse's head, down astride the hog. The pony reared, wheeled, and -ran out of the yard at one pair of bars, and the sow went pell-mell out -of the other, bearing the doctor and saddle-bags swiftly along towards the -house. - -The hired man witnessed the sudden change of steeds, and gave the alarm. -The widow--not so very sick--was just graciously showing her two unwelcome -lady callers out, after being worried nearly an hour by their company; and -taking an anxious look towards the lane, she saw the doctor coming on a -clean--no, dirty--gallop, on her old sow. - -She lost no time in giving a loud scream. What else should she do? - -"O, goodness gracious! What is that?" - -"O Lord, save and defend us! What is it?" exclaimed the two ladies, in -chorus. - -"A man on a hog!" - -"The doctor on a sow!" again in chorus. - -Now the pony and the swine met, the doctor still clinging to the sow's ear -with one hand, and to the tail with the other; of course, having turned a -clean summersault from the pony, facing towards the sow's hind quarters. -The swine, beset on all sides, sheered off, and made directly through a -large duck-pond in the field, scattering the geese and ducks every way, -which, crying out, "Quack, quack!" made off as fast as feet and wings -could carry them. Half way across the pond the doctor lost his balance, -and, with his saddle-bags, fell splashing into the water. - -Another scream from the ladies,--only two of them. - -The widow, like a sensible woman, when she saw the doctor's danger, ran -for the well-pole. "Here, John, here! Take this well-hook, and fish him -out quick, before he drowns." - -John obeyed, and in an instant the doctor was safely landed. - -The doctor was sobered. - -The widow, seeing no further danger, like a true woman, fainted. - -[Illustration: THE DOCTOR ON A SOW.] - -[Illustration: RESCUE OF THE DOCTOR.] - -Leaving the muddy and half-drowned doctor, who looked like a well-wet-down -bantam cock, John turned to his mistress, whom he picked up from the -grass, and carried into the house. The two ladies, who had witnessed her -discomfiture, assisted in loosening the stays, and administering some -salts, which revived the widow. - -"O, did you ever see such a comical sight?" - -"Never. O, wasn't it horrid? The little doctor riding backward, on a -horrid, dirty, old pig! O, if I ever!" - -And the ladies laughed in unison, in which the widow actually joined. - -"But what has become of the poor, wet fellow? And did John rescue the -saddle-bags?" inquired the widow. - -John, meantime, had returned to the doctor's assistance. He now fished out -the saddle-bags, and the unfortunate doctor started on foot for home, -whither the pony had long since fled. - -The story, in the mouth of one servant and three ladies, was anything but -a secret, and--you know how it is in the country. - - * * * * * - -The widow still holds the farm in her own name, in a town in New England. - -Dr. Filley practises physic in California. - - -A SCIENTIFIC GOURMAND. - -Our familiar friend, "A Book about Doctors," which we have before -introduced to your notice as the only amusing work in the English -language, upon the subject, gives a long list of _bon vivants_ of the old -school, amongst whom are some eminent names in the medical profession. In -fact, the abstemious doctors during the past centuries would seem to have -been far in the minority. Even Harvey was accused of being fond of brandy. - -"Dr. George Fordyce was fond of substantial fare, like Radcliffe, who was -a _gormand_. For above twenty years Fordyce dined at Dolly's chop-house. -The dinner he there consumed was his only meal during the four and twenty -hours. - -"Four o'clock was his dinner hour. Before him was set a silver tankard of -strongest ale, a bottle of port wine, and a quarter pint of brandy. - -"The dinner was preluded by a dish of broiled fowl, or a few whitings. -Having leisurely devoured this plate, the doctor took a glass of brandy, -and ordered his steak, which was always a prime one, _weighing one and a -half pounds_. Of course, vegetables, etc., accompanied the steak. - -"When the man of science had devoured the whole of this, the bulk of which -would have kept a boa constrictor happy a twelvemonth, he took the rest of -his brandy, drank off the tankard of ale, and topped off by sipping down -his bottle of port wine. - -"Having thus brought his intellects, up or down, to the standard of his -pupils, he rose, and walked down to Essex Street, and delivered his six -o'clock lecture on chemistry." (He lived to the age of sixty-six.) - -Another glutton, in contrast with whom Fordyce was an abstinent, was Dr. -Beauford. In 1745 he was summoned to appear before the privy council, to -answer some questions relative to Lord B., with whom the doctor was -intimate. - -"Do you know Lord Barrymore?" asked one of the lords. - -"Intimately, _most_ intimately," replied the doctor. - -"You were often with him?" - -"We dine together almost daily when his lordship is in town," answered the -doctor, with expressions of delight. - -"What do you talk about?" - -"Eating and drinking." - -"Eating and drinking! What else?" asked his lordship. - -"O, my lord, we never talk about anything but eating and -drinking,--except--" - -"Except what, sir?" - -"_Except drinking and eating_, my lord." - -The council retired, greatly disappointed, for they had expected to worm -some important secret from the doctor. - -At Finch Lane Tavern, where Dr. Beauford used to receive the apothecaries -at half fee, he was represented as sitting over his bottles and glasses, -from which he drank deeply, never offering one of his clients a drop, -though they often sat opposite, at the same table, looking with anxious -countenances and watering mouths upon the tempting cordials, as the doctor -tossed them off. - - -"DOORN'T GO TO 'IM," ETC. - -"Not many years since, in a fishing village on the eastern coast, there -flourished a doctor in great repute amongst the poor, and his influence -over the humble patients literally depended on the fact that he was sure, -once in the twenty-four hours, to be handsomely intoxicated. - -"Dickens has told us how, when he bought the raven immortalized in -'Barnaby Rudge,' the vender of that sagacious bird, after enumerating his -various accomplishments, said, in conclusion,-- - -"'But, sir, if you want him to come out strong, you must show him a man -drunk.' - -"The simple villagers of Flintbeach had a firm faith in the strengthening -effect of looking at a tipsy doctor. They usually postponed their visits -to Dr. Mutchkins till evening, because they then had the benefit of the -learned man in his highest intellectual condition. - -"'Doorn't go to 'im i' the morning; he can't doctor no ways to speak on -till he's had a glass,' was the advice usually given to strangers not -aware of the doctor's little peculiarities." - - -DR. BUTLER'S BEER AND BATH. - -An amusing description is given of one Dr. Butler, of London, who, like -the above, used to get drunk nightly. He was the inventor of a beer which -bore his name, something like our Ottawa, "with a stick in it," by one Dr. -Irish. We once saw a drunken fellow holding on to a lamp post, while he -held out one hand, and was arguing with an imaginary policeman that he was -not drunk,--only had been taking a "little of that--hic--beverage, Dr. -Waterwa's Irish beer, by the advice of his physician." - -[Illustration: "ONLY IRISH BEER."] - -Dr. Butler had an old female servant named Nell Boler. At ten o'clock, -nightly, she used to go to the tavern where the doctor was, by that hour, -too drunk to go home alone, when, after some argument and a deal of -scolding from Nell for his "beastly drunkenness," she would carry the -inebriated doctor home, and put him to bed. - -"Notwithstanding that Dr. Butler was fond of beer and wine for himself, he -was said to approve of water for his patients. Once he occupied rooms -bordering on the Thames. A gentleman afflicted by the ague came to see -him. Butler tipped the wink to his assistant, who tumbled the invalid out -of the window, slap into the river. We are asked to believe that the -surprise actually cured the patient of his disease." - -[Illustration: CURE FOR THE AGUE.] - -Water did not cure the doctor, however, but beer did. - -Dr. Burrowly was stricken down in his prime, and just as he was about to -succeed to the most elevated position in the medical profession. - -The doctor was a politician, as well as an excellent surgeon. When Lords -Gower and Vandeput were contesting the election for Westminster, in 1780, -the doctor was supporting the latter. One Weatherly, who kept a tavern, -and whose wife wore the ---- belt, was very sick. Mrs. Weatherly deeply -regretted the fact of the sickness, as she wanted her husband to vote for -Lord T. Late on election day, Dr. Burrowly called round to see his -patient, quite willing that he should be sufficiently sick to keep him -from going to the polls. To his surprise he found him up, and dressed. - -"Heyday! how's this?" exclaimed the doctor, in anger. "Why are you up, -without my permission?" - -"O, doctor," replied Joe Weatherly, feebly, "I am going to vote." - -"Vote!" roared the doctor, not doubting that his wife had urged him to -attempt to go to the polls to vote for Lord J. "To bed. The cold air would -kill you. To bed instantly, or you're a dead man before nightfall." - -"I'll do as you say, doctor; but as my wife was away, I thought I could -get as far as Covent Garden Church, and vote for Sir George Vandeput." - -"For Sir George, did you say, Joe?" - -"O, yes, sir; I don't agree with my wife. She's for Lord Trentham." - -The doctor changed his prognosis. - -"Wait. Let me see; nurse, don't remove his stockings;" feeling the man's -pulse. "Humph! A good firm stroke. Better than I expected. You took the -pills? Yes; they made you sick? Nurse, did he sleep well?" - -"Charmingly, sir;" with a knowing twinkle of the eye. - -"Well, Joe, if you are bent on going to the polls, it will set your mind -better at ease to go. It's a fine sunny afternoon. The ride will do you -good. So, bedad, I'll take you along in my chariot." - -Weatherly was delighted with the doctor's urbanity, resumed his coat, went -to the election, and voted for Sir George, rode back in the chariot, _and -died two hours afterwards_, amidst the reproaches of his amiable spouse. - -"Called away from a dinner table, where he was eating, laughing, and -drinking deeply, Dr. B. was found dead in the coach from apoplexy, on the -arrival at the place of destination." - -[Illustration] - - - - -XXIII. - -THE DOCTOR AS POET, AUTHOR, AND MUSICIAN. - - "Here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling." - - "To patient study, and unwearied thought, - And wise and watchful nurture of his powers, - Must the true poet consecrate his hours: - Thus, and thus only, may the crown be bought - Which his great brethren all their lives have sought; - For not to careless wreathers of chance-flowers - Openeth the Muse her amaranthine bowers, - But to the few, who worthily have fought - The toilsome fight, and won their way to fame. - With such as these I may not cast my lot, - With such as these I must not seek a name; - Content to please a while and be forgot; - Winning from daily toil--which irks me not-- - Rare and brief leisure my poor song to frame." - - OUR PATRON, OUR PATTERN.--SOME WRITERS.--SOME BLUNDERS.--AN OLD - SMOKER.--OLD GREEKS.--A DUKE ANSWERED BY A COUNTRY MISS.--THE PILGRIMS - AND THE PEAS.--"LITTLE DAISY."--"CASA WAPPA!"--FINE POETRY.--MORE - SCHOOLMASTERS AND TAILORS.--NAPOLEON'S AND WASHINGTON'S PHYSICIANS.--A - FRENCH "BUTCHER."--A DIF. OF OPINION.--SOME EPITAPHS.--DR. HOLMES' - "ONE-HOSS SHAY."--HEALTHFUL INFLUENCE OF MUSIC.--SAVED BY MUSIC.--A - GERMAN TOUCH-UP.--MUSIC ON ANIMALS.--MUSIC AMONG THE MICE.--MUSIC AND - HEALTH. - - -Apollo,--the father of AEsculapius, the "father of physicians"--was the god -of poetry and of music, as well as the patron of physicians. He presented -to Mercurius the famous caduceus, which has descended in the semblance of -the shepherd's crook--he being the protector of shepherds and the -Muses--and the physician's cane and surgeon's pole. Apollo is represented -with flowing hair,--which the Romans loved to imitate, with an effort also -at his graces of person and mind. Students at this day who court the -Muses begin by allowing, or coaxing their hair to grow long, forgetting, -as they nurse a sickly goatee or mustache, assisting its show by an -occasional dose of nitrate of silver, that their god was further -represented as a tall, _beardless_ youth, and instead of a bottle or -cigar, he held a lyre in his hand and discoursed music. - -[Illustration: AN EMBRYO APOLLO.] - -I think Dr. Apollo a very safe pattern for our students to imitate, those -particularly who are "fast," and who only think, with _Bobby Burns_,-- - - "Just now we're living sound and hale; - Then top and maintop crowd the sail; - Heave care owre side! - And large, before enjoyment's gale, - Let's tak the tide." - -It is quite impossible to mention all, even of the most celebrated of our -physicians, who have contributed to the literary and musical world. But I -shall quote a sufficient number to disprove the assertion that "literary -physicians have not, as a rule, prospered as medical practitioners." - -Who has developed and promulgated the knowledge relative to anatomy, -chemistry, physiology, botany, etc., but the physicians? The true -representation of sculpture, of painting, of engraving, and most of the -arts, depends upon the learned writing of the doctors. - -Da Vinci owed his success as a portrait painter to his knowledge of -anatomy and physiology derived from study under a physician, as also did -Michael Angelo. How would our Powers have succeeded as a sculptor, without -this knowledge, or Miss Bonheur as a painter of animals? Dr. Hunter says -"Vinci (L.) was at the time the best anatomist in the world." - -Crabbe, to be sure, failed as a physician, but succeeded as a literary -man; but then Crabbe was no physician, and was unread in medicine and -surgery. Arbuthnot also failed in the same manner, and for the same cause. -All who have so failed may attribute it to the fact they _did not succeed -in what they were not, but did succeed in what they were_--as Oliver -Goldsmith. He squandered at the gaming table the money given him by his -kind uncle to get him through Trinity College, and though spending two -years afterwards in Edinburgh, and passing one year at Leyden, ostensibly -reading medicine, he totally failed to pass an examination before the -surgeons of the college at London, and was rejected "as being -insufficiently informed." He had previously been writing for the -unappreciative booksellers, and authorship now became, per force, his only -means of livelihood. - -Goldsmith was an excellent, kind-hearted man; and if he had only got -married and had a good wife to develop him, he would have been a greater -man than he was. - -It has been intimated in these pages that Shakspeare was prejudiced -against medicine,--throwing "physic to the dogs;" but it is evident from a -careful perusal of his works that Shakspeare was ignorant, and also -superstitious, as respects this much abused science. Of the superstitions -we need not further treat, but refer the intelligent reader to any of his -plays for the truth of our intimation. - -In Act II., Scene 1, of Coriolanus, he says by Menenius Agrippa, the -friend of Coriolanus, "It gives me an estate of seven years' health, in -which time I will make a lip at the physician; the most sovereign -prescription of Galen is but empirical," etc. Coriolanus was banished from -Rome, and died in the fifth century before Christ (about 490), and Galen -was not born till six hundred years afterwards, viz.,--A. D. 130. - -We should smile to see the Apollo Belvedere with "glasses on his -nose,"--as many of our young ape-ollos now wear for _effect_; but it would -scarcely be less ridiculous than Gloster saying in Lear, "I shall not want -spectacles." King Lyr reigned during the earliest period of the -Anglo-Saxon history, and spectacles were not introduced into England until -the beginning of the fourteenth century. It is said that the painter -Cigoli in his representation of the aged Simeon at the circumcision of -Christ, made this same error by placing spectacles on the patriarch's -nose. - -More ludicrous than either of the above is the painting by Albert Durer, -the German artist (about 1515), of his scene, "Peter denying Christ," -wherein he represents a Roman soldier leaning against the door-post -comfortably smoking a tobacco pipe. The pipe, to which Germans are -particularly partial, was just being introduced during Durer's latter -years. The tobacco was not introduced into Europe until 1496, and was, -when first burned, twisted together.[8] - -The Spaniards, in their report on their return from the first voyage of -Columbus said that "the savages would twist up long rolls of tobacco -leaves, _and lighting one end, smoke away like devils_." (The primitive -cigar.) - - -ANCIENT GREEK AUTHORS. - -Nearly all the ancient Greek physicians were authors of no mean calibre, -considering the age in which they lived. - -Pherecydes, a Greek philosopher and physician, wrote a book on diet during -the sixth century before Christ. Pythagoras, his illustrious pupil, was -said to be the first who dissected animals. He wrote, and taught anatomy -and physiology, in the school of Crotona. Herodotus was a great teacher -and writer; also Herophilus, his pupil. (B. C. 4th century.) There were -four physicians named Hippocrates. The second of that name has nearly -eclipsed all the others. The period in which he lived was highly favorable -to the development of the qualities of the great Hippocrates. He was -contemporary with Plato, Herodotus, who was his teacher, Pericles, -Socrates, Thucydides, etc. - -The most notable works of Hippocrates are 1st and 3d "Books on Epidemics," -"Prognostics," "Treatise on Air and Water," "Regime of Acute Diseases," -and "Treatise on Wounds." - -Heraclitus, of Ephesus, is conjectured to be the first who dissected the -human body. "The principle of his theory is the recognition of the fire of -life and the ethereal element of wisdom as the ground of all visible -existence." Fragments of his writings, only, have been preserved. He -imitated Pythagoras. - -Theophrastus wrote a book on plants. He lived to be one hundred and seven -years old. - -Herophilus first made diagnosis by the pulse, upon which he wrote a book. - -Celsus was the author of eight works, yet Pliny makes no mention of him. -Galen spoke of him as an excellent physician and writer; also Bostock. - -Galen was a man of great talent and education. Suidas--11th century--says -he wrote no less than five hundred books on medicine, and half as many on -other subjects. His native tongue was Greek, but he also wrote in Latin -and Persic. - -Besides medicine, the above famous physicians wrote on philosophy, -history, religion, etc. Poetry in those days was little more than heroic, -or epic, prose. - - -THE DUKE ANSWERED BY A COUNTRY MISS. - -Since I am not writing a medical history, I need not go on to quote the -long list of the names of those who from the old Greek days to the present -time have been both authors and successful medical practitioners. Their -bare names would fill a large volume, and who would care to read them? To -the general reader they would be quite unwelcome. The reason why medical -authors are so little known is, that their writings have been too -wearisome for the general reader. Such English authors as the satirical -Wolcot (Peter Pindar), the courteous essayist Drake, the poetical and -nature-loving Davy, and the "single-hearted, affectionate" Dr. Moir, are -remembered, while greater and deeper thinkers and writers are, with their -works, buried in oblivion. - -When the Duke of Kent was last in America (1819), he was one day taking -observations in the country, when he entered a cosy little farm-house, -where he noticed a pretty young girl, reading a book. - -"Do you have books here, my dear?" he asked, contemptuously. - -"O, yes, sir," replied the girl naively, "_we have the Bible and Peter -Pindar_." - -That was a model house. The Bible and fun-provoking "Peter Pindar!" Under -such a roof you will find no guile. Here you will avoid the extremes of -"_all_ work and no play," for the mind, "that makes Jack a dull boy," and -"all play and no work," which "makes him a mere toy." - -I have visited some houses in New England where the Bible, and "Baxter's -Call to the Unconverted," were the only books to be seen; others where -nothing was to be found upon the shelves but a vile collection of novels, -such as Mrs. Partington has termed "yaller-cupboard literature." These -need no comment, in either case. - - -THE PILGRIMS AND THE PEAS. - -Our only excuse for copying this from Pindar will be found in reading the -poem, slightly abbreviated. The pilgrims were ordered by the priest to do -penance by walking fifty miles with peas in their shoes. - - "The knaves set off upon the same day, - Peas in their shoes, to go and pray; - But very different their speed, I wot; - One of the sinners galloped on, - Light as a bullet from a gun, - _The other limped as though he'd been shot_. - - "One saw the Virgin soon, '_Peccavi!_' cried, - Had his soul whitewashed, all so clever, - When home again he nimbly hied, - Made fit with saints above to live forever! - In coming back, however, let me say, - He met his brother rogue about half way, - Hobbling with outstretched hand and bending knees, - Cursing the souls and bodies of the peas! - His eyes in tears, his cheeks and brows in sweat, - Deep sympathizing with his groaning feet. - 'How now?' the light-toed, whitewashed pilgrim broke; - 'You lazy lubber!' - 'You see it,' cried the other. ''Tis no joke. - My feet, once hard as any rock, - Are now as soft as blubber.' - - "'But, brother sinner, do explain - How 'tis that you are not in pain; - How is't that you can like a greyhound go, - Merry as if nought had happened, burn ye?' - 'Why,' cried the other, grinning, 'you must know - That just before I ventured on my journey, - To walk a little more at ease, - _I took the liberty to boil my peas_!'" - -[Illustration: THE PILGRIM CHEAT.] - - -LITTLE DAVY AGAIN. - -Sir Humphry Davy lived from 1778 to 1829. Coleridge said of him, "Had not -Davy been the first chemist, he probably would have been the first poet of -the age." He made some important chemical discoveries, overworked his body -and brain, and took the pen "to amuse" and recreate himself, but too late, -telling us of "the pleasures and advantages of fishing," etc. - -The following verses are from the poem of Dr. David Macbeth Moir, on the -death of his darling little boy, who died at the age of five years:-- - - "Gem of our hearth, our household pride, - Earth's undefiled, - Could love have saved, thou hadst not died, - Our dear, sweet child! - Humbly we bow to Fate's decree; - Yet had we hoped that time should see - Thee mourn for us, not us for thee, - Casa Wappy![9] - - "The nursery shows thy pictured wall, - Thy bat, thy bow, - Thy cloak, thy bonnet, club, and ball; - But where art thou? - A corner holds thine empty chair; - Thy playthings, idly scattered there, - But speak to us of our despair, - Casa Wappy! - - "Yet 'tis a sweet balm to our despair, - Fond, fairest boy, - That heaven is God's, and thou art there, - With him in joy! - There past are death and all its woes, - There beauty's stream forever flows, - And pleasure's day no sunset knows, - Casa Wappy!" - -"The sole purpose of poetry," says the author of the above beautiful poem, -"is to delight and instruct; and no one can be either pleased or profited -by what is unintelligible. Mysticism in law is quibbling; mysticism in -religion is the jugglery of priestcraft; mysticism in medicine is -quackery; and these often serve their crooked purposes well. But mysticism -in poetry can have no attainable triumph." Again he says,-- - -"The finest poetry is that which is most patent to the general -understanding, and hence to the approval or disapproval of the common -sense of mankind." - -Dr. Moir enriched the pages of Blackwood's Magazine for thirty years with -his beautiful poems, and occasional prose, which, according to Professor -Wilson, "breathed the simplest and purest pathos." He practised medicine -and surgery in his native village, six miles from Edinburgh, till the day -of his death, which occurred in consequence of a wound caused by the -upsetting of his carriage. - -I find four physicians by the name of Abercromby, who were excellent -physicians, and authors of no little note. One, Patrick, a Scotchman, and -physician to James II., had a library second to few physicians of his -day. Lancisi, an Italian physician who lived at the same time, possessed a -splendid library consisting of thirty thousand volumes. He discovered a -set of lost plates of Eustachius, from which he published tables. Lancisi -was physician to several popes, and was a master of polite literature, and -an author of great distinction. - - -MORE SCHOOLMASTERS AND TAILORS. - -Dr. Richard Blackmore (Sir)--our "schoolmaster turned doctor"--was an -author of no small note. "A poet of the time of Dryden in better repute as -an honest man and a physician," says a biographer. - -He should have been a man of importance, since Swift was pitted against -him in "brutal verse." Steele and Pope scribbled about the pedagogue -Blackmore. Dryden, who was unable to answer him, called him "a pedant, an -ass, a quack, and a cant preacher," and he was ridiculed by the whole set -of "petty scribblers, professional libellers, coffee-house rakes, and -literary amateurs of the Temple who formed the rabble of the vast army -against which the doctor had pitted himself in defence of public decency -and domestic morality." We have already referred to the "forty sets of -ribald verses taunting him of his early poverty, which caused him to -become a schoolmaster." - -Amongst his works were "Alfred," a poem of twenty books; another of twelve -books; "Hymn to Light," "Satire against Wit," "The Nature of Man;" -"Creation," in seven books; "Redemption," in six books, etc. - -Dr. Johnson says of Dr. Blackmore, "And let it be remembered for his honor -that to have been a schoolmaster is the only reproach which all the -perspicacity of malice animated by wit has ever fixed upon his private -life." - -Heinrich Stilling, "a pseudonyme adopted by Heinrich Jung, in one of the -most remarkable autobiographies ever written," was born about the year -1740, in Nassau. He was bred a tailor, and with his father followed his -occupation until the son, by his own efforts and by the aid of his -remarkable natural abilities, raised him to a more exalted position. By -great efforts and diligent study he acquired a knowledge of Latin and -Greek, and something of medicine, when he proceeded to the University of -Strasburg. Here he remained prosecuting his studies with much diligence -and zeal until he obtained not only his degree, but succeeded to the -appointment of a professorship, and raised himself to eminence both by his -ability as a lecturer and as an operator. - -He was also an author of considerable renown, not only on medical -subjects, but as a miscellaneous writer. His novel named "Theobold" is -still read. He wrote a treatise on minerals. - -His most remarkable production, however, was his autobiography entitled -"Jugend, Junglingjahre, Wanderschaft und Alter Von Heinrich Stilling." - -Cabanis, physician to Napoleon I., was a writer of note, particularly on -physiology and philosophy. His complete works were recently published in -Paris, and a portion of them have been translated into English. - -Bard (Samuel), physician to Washington, was an author, but his writings -were principally on medicine. His father was Dr. John Bard, who, with Dr. -Middleton, made at Poughkeepsie the first dissection in America. - -Dr. Valentine Mott, of New York, was not only the first surgeon in -America, but he was an excellent lecturer and a voluminous writer, but, as -far as I can learn, having before me a complete list of his writings, -almost entirely on medical subjects. Having been to Europe repeatedly, a -book of travels ought to have been added to the list. - -One day, in Paris, the celebrated surgeon Dr. R. ---- asked Dr. Mott to -visit his hospital and see him perform his peculiar operation. Dr. Mott -assured the surgeon that he accepted with great pleasure. - -"But," said the Frenchman, "on reflection I find there is no patient there -requiring such an operation. However, that makes no difference, my dear -sir. You shall see. There is a poor devil in one of the wards who is of no -use to us, himself, or friends; and so come along, and I will operate upon -him beautifully, beautifully," said the famous butcher. Dr. Mott, being a -humane man, declined seeing the operation on such barbarous terms. - - -A DIFFERENCE OF OPINION. - -In "Surgeons of New York" Dr. Francis gives the following:-- - -"On asking Dr. Batchelder (then eighty-one years of age), if he had to -live over his eventful life, if he would again be a doctor, he replied,-- - -"Yes, sir;" most positively. - -Dr. Hosack's favorite branch of practice has been general surgery. On -asking him the question if he would again be a surgeon, his reply was -condensed into a comprehensive - -"Never!" - -Dr. Hosack was present as examining physician to Colt, who committed -suicide in the city prison. It is believed to this day, in certain -circles, that Colt escaped, leaving another body smuggled into prison over -night to represent him. The writer was induced once in Hartford to believe -this to be true, as persons stated that they had really seen Colt in -California. Dr. Hosack's testimony makes the case clear. Colt did not -escape. "It seems that when the prisoner found, at the last moment, that -there was neither possibility of escaping nor the least probability of a -reprieve, he induced some friend to send him a coffee-pot of hot coffee in -which the dagger was concealed, and which he drove into his heart even -_beyond the handle_." - -Dr. Hosack (Alex. Eddy) was also physician to Aaron Burr. - -[Illustration: FRANKLIN'S EXPERIMENTS WITH ETHER.] - -"Do you never experience any contrition, at times, for the deed?" (viz., -shooting Hamilton), asked Dr. H. of his patient. - -"No, sir; I could not regret it. Twice he crossed my path. He brought it -upon himself," was Burr's reply. - -Mrs. H., the doctor's mother, not unfrequently took tea and played chess -of an evening with Benjamin Franklin. Franklin was a funny old gentleman. -He used to amuse himself by giving ether to the children of the -neighborhood and letting them out under its influence to laugh at their -fellow-playmates. - - -SOME PURITANIC EPITAPHS. - -The most ingenious of the Puritan poets was the Rev. Michael Wigglesworth, -whose "Day of Doom" is the most remarkable curiosity in American -literature. "He was as skilled," says one of his biographers, "in physic -and surgery as in diviner things;" and when he could neither preach nor -prescribe for the physical sufferings of his neighbors,-- - - "In costly verse, and most laborious rhymes, - He dished up truths right worthy our regard." - -He was buried in Malden, near Boston, and his epitaph was written by -Mather. - - THE EXCELLENT MICHAEL WIGGLESWORTH. - - _Remembered by some good tokens._ - - "His pen did once _meat from the eater fetch_; - And now he's gone beyond the _eater's_ reach. - His body, once so _thin_, was next to _none_; - From hence he's to _unbodied spirits_ flown. - Once his rare skill did all _diseases_ heal; - And he does nothing now uneasy feel. - He to his Paradise is joyful come, - And waits with joy to see his _Day of Doom_." - -The last epitaph for which we have now space is from the monument of Dr. -Clark, a grandson of the celebrated Dr. John Clark, who came to New -England in 1630. - - "He who among physicians shone so late, - And by his wise prescriptions conquered Fate, - Now lies extended in the silent grave; - Nor him alive would his vast merit save. - But still his fame shall last, his virtues live, - And all sepulchral monuments survive: - Still flourish shall his name: nor shall this stone - Long as his piety and love be known." - -And - - "Such graves as his are pilgrim shrines, - Shrines to no code or creed confined-- - _The Delphian vales, the Palestines, - The Meccas of the mind_." - - -THE ONE-HOSS SHAY. - -Mr. Mundella, of the British Parliament, recently said,-- - -"American authors are now among the best writers in the English language. -Among the poets were Longfellow, Holmes, Whittier, Bryant, and -Lowell--five men whom no other country in the same generation could -surpass, if, indeed, they could match. Never were purer or nobler men than -they." He had the honor of knowing some of the greatest literary men in -England, and could say that the American authors could compare with them -in every way. O. W. Holmes was the most brilliant conversationalist it was -ever his good fortune to meet. - -As a poet, "his style is brilliant, sparkling, and terse," says Hillard. - -I can only find space for the following from the pen of Dr. Holmes:-- - - Have you heard of the wonderful one-hoss shay, - That was built in such a logical way, - To run a hundred years to a day, - And then, of a sudden, it--ah, but stay, - I'll tell you what happened without delay: - Scaring the parson into fits, - Frightening people out of their wits, - Have you heard of that, I say? - - Seventeen hundred and fifty-five, - _Georgius Secundus_ was then alive,-- - Snuffy old drone from the German hive! - That was the year when Lisbon town - Saw the earth open and gulp her down, - And Braddock's army was done so brown, - Left without a scalp to its crown. - It was on the terrible Earthquake day, - That the deacon finished the one-hoss shay. - - Now, in building of chaises, I tell you what, - There is always _somewhere_ a weakest spot; - In hub, tire, felloe, in spring or thill, - In panel or cross-bar, or floor or sill, - In screw, bolt, thoroughbrace, lurking still, - Find it somewhere you must and will, - Above or below, or within or without; - And that's the reason, beyond a doubt, - A chaise _breaks down_, but doesn't _wear out_. - But the deacon swore (as deacons do, - With an "I dew vum," or an "I tell yeou") - He would build one shay to beat the taown, - 'n' the keounty, 'n' all the kentry raoun'; - It should be so built that it _couldn't_ break down: - "Fur," said the deacon, "'tis mighty plain - That the weakes' place mus' stan' the strain; - 'n' the way t' fix it, uz I maintain, - Is only jest - T' make that place uz strong uz the rest." - - So the deacon inquired of the village folk - Where he could find the strongest oak, - That couldn't be split, nor bent, nor broke,-- - That was for spokes, and floor, and sills; - He sent for lancewood to make the thills; - The cross-bars were ash, from the straightest trees; - The panels of white-wood, that cuts like cheese, - But lasts like iron for things like these; - The hubs of logs from the "Settler's Ellum,"-- - Last of its timber--they couldn't sell 'em; - Never an axe had seen their chips, - And the wedges flew from between their lips, - Their blunt ends frizzled like celery-tips; - Step and prop-iron, bolt and screw, - Spring, tire, axle, and linchpin too, - Steel of the finest, bright and blue; - Thoroughbrace bison skin, thick and wide; - Boot, top, dasher, from tough old hide - Found in the pit when the tanner died. - That was the way he "put her through." - "There!" said the deacon, "naow she'll dew!" - - Do! I tell you, I rather guess - She was a wonder, and nothing less! - Colts grew horses, beards turned gray, - Deacon and deaconess dropped away; - Children and grandchildren--where were they? - But there stood the stout old one-hoss shay - As fresh as on Lisbon Earthquake day! - - Eighteen hundred: it came and found - The deacon's masterpiece strong and sound. - Eighteen hundred increased by ten: - "Hansum kerridge" they called it then. - Eighteen hundred and twenty came,-- - Running as usual; much the same. - Thirty and forty at last arrive, - And then came fifty and _fifty-five_. - - Little of all we value here - Wakes on the morn of its hundredth year - Without both feeling and looking queer. - In fact, there's nothing that keeps its youth, - So far as I know, but a tree and truth. - (This is a moral that runs at large; - Take it. You're welcome. No extra charge.) - _First of November_,--the Earthquake day,-- - There are traces of age in the one-hoss shay, - A general flavor of mild decay, - But nothing local, as one may say. - There couldn't be,--for the deacon's art - Had made it so like in every part - That there wasn't a chance for one to start. - - For the wheels were just as strong as the thills, - And the floor was just as strong as the sills, - And the panels just as strong as the floor, - And the whippletree neither less nor more, - And the back cross-bar as strong as the fore, - And spring, and axle, and hub _encore_. - And yet, _as a whole_, it is past no doubt, - In another hour it will be _worn out_. - - First of November, fifty-five! - This morning the parson takes a drive. - Now, small boys, get out of the way! - Here comes the wonderful one-hoss shay, - Drawn by a rat-tailed, ewe-necked bay. - "Huddup!" said the parson. Off went they. - - The parson was working his Sunday's text, - Had got to _fifthly_, and stopped perplexed, - And what the--Moses--was coming next? - All at once the horse stood still, - Close by the meet'n'-house on the hill. - First a shiver, and then a thrill, - Then something decidedly like a spill,-- - And the parson was sitting upon a rock, - At half past nine by the meet'n'-house clock,-- - Just the hour of the Earthquake shock! - What do you think the parson found, - When he got up and stared around? - The poor old chaise in a heap or mound, - As if it had been to the mill and ground! - You see, of course, if you're not a dunce, - How it went to pieces all at once,-- - All at once and nothing first,-- - Just as bubbles do when they burst. - - End of the wonderful one-hoss shay. - Logic is logic. That's all I say. - -[Illustration: END OF THE WONDERFUL ONE-HORSE SHAY.] - - -HEALTHFUL INFLUENCE OF MUSIC. - -The curative power of music is little understood. Our medical men would do -well to devote more time and attention to music and its beneficial -influences upon themselves and patients. In Paris, music is being -introduced at the chief asylum for the benefit of the insane, the -hypochondriacs, and such like patients. Its introduction at the -"Retreat," at Hartford, Conn., has been attended with happy results. - -The writer attributes the primary step towards recovery of several -patients of his, suffering under great mental, nervous, and bodily -prostration, to his ordering the piano or melodeon reopened. - -Not long since I visited a patient at a distance. She was young and fair, -and "supposed to be in consumption," which is usually a flattering -disease, while this patient was laboring under great despondency, -bordering on despair. Her parents could not account for her dejection. - -Determined not to hurry over the case, and seeing a closed piano in the -room, I asked if it was not used. - -"No," replied the mother; "she has not touched it for more than three -months; she takes no interest in anything." - -I looked upon the sad, fair face, and thought I had never seen a picture -of such utter hopelessness in a young maiden. I approached the piano, and -raised its lid. The ivory keys were all dusty. The mother dusted them off, -and with a great, deep sigh, whispered to me, "The dust will soon gather -on her coffin. She will never touch these keys again." - -"Pooh!" I exclaimed. "You, madam, discourage her. Let me sing something -that will awaken her from her lethargy." - -No matter how I played, or what I sang. It was the right key, the -sympathetic chord. The first notes aroused her. She lifted her great, dark -eyes for the first time. Great tears burst their bonds, thawing out the -winter-locked senses, awakening the spring-time flowers of hope, that led -to a summer season of health and happiness.... - -I know this was decidedly unprofessional; but what care I? The young girl -was aroused from her despondency, and her precious life saved. Medicine, -which before was of no avail, now took effect. O, I pity the poor fool -who _only_ has learned to cram drugs by the scruple, dram, and ounce down -the unwilling throats of his more pitiful patients because musty books -tell him to. - -Dr. Mason F. Cogswell, a graduate of Yale, was a man eminent for piety and -benevolence, a scholar, and a successful practitioner, which none can -gainsay. "In music he was a proficient," said Professor Knight. While -practising medicine in Stamford, Conn., he was said to have instructed the -choir in psalm tunes and anthems, and other music, and adapted one to -every Sabbath in the year. He possessed a great library, and was for ten -years president of the State Medical Society. Dr. Cogswell had a deaf and -dumb daughter, and he originated the design of an asylum, which was more -fully developed by Mr. Gallaudet, in the Hartford asylum for the deaf and -dumb. He died in 1830, at the age of seventy. - -I know of a great many excellent physicians who are musicians and lovers -of music. Guilmette is a first-class primo basso. - -Who does not love to listen to the beautiful heart and home songs of Dr. -J. P. Ordway, such as "Home Delights," "Come to the Spirit Land," etc.? -"The twinkling Stars are laughing, Love," has been sung in every land, and -arranged into band music by all the best leaders of the world. A Boston -musician said to the writer recently, "After the audience had been -disgusted a whole hour by classic music, the house came down -enthusiastically on hearing one of Dr. Ordway's touching melodies." - -The Germans seldom die of consumption. They are all musicians. There are -many authors and poets among the German doctors. The following gem, it is -needless to add, is not by one of the best authors:-- - - "December's came, and now der breezes - Howls vay up amidst der dreeses; - Now der boy mit ragged drouses - Shivering feeches home der cowses. - His boots vas old, und dorn his gloze is, - Und bless my shdars, how blue his nose is!" - - -INFLUENCE OF MUSIC UPON ANIMALS. - -Some wild animals are easily caught and readily tamed by the assistance, -of music. "Whistle the rabbit and he'll stop," is as true as trite. The -most common exhibition of the influence of music on animals is, perhaps, -that witnessed in circuses, and other equestrian entertainments, where the -horse is affected in a lively and exhilarating manner by the performances -of the band, often waltzing and prancing, and keeping perfect time with -the music. - -Dogs are affected by music, but it is difficult to determine whether -agreeably or otherwise. Many naturalists believe it to be disagreeable to -them. Owls have been known to die from the effect of music. On the other -hand, it is well known that many kinds of birds are affected in a very -agreeable manner, often approaching as near as possible the instruments, -or persons, and remaining as long as the music continues, and then -flapping their wings, as we should clap our hands, in approbation of the -performance. - -Many of the wild animals are said to be fond of, and even charmed by, -music. The hunters in the Tyrol, and some parts of Germany, often entice -stags by singing, and the female deer by playing the flute. Beavers and -rats have been taught to dance the rope, keeping time to music. - -Among the insects, spiders are found to be very fond of music. As soon as -the sounds reach them, they descend along their web to the point nearest -to that from which the music originates, and there remain motionless as -long as it continues. Prisoners sometimes tame them by singing or -whistling, and make companions of them. - -[Illustration: "MUSIC, THE SOUL OF LIFE."] - -[Illustration: THE MUSICAL MICE.] - -But perhaps the most remarkable instance of the influence of music on -animals occurred at a menagerie in Paris a few years ago, when a -concert was given, and two elephants were among the auditors. The -orchestra being placed out of their sight, they could not perceive whence -the harmony came. The first sensation was that of surprise. At one moment -they gazed eagerly, at the spectators; the next they ran at their keeper -to caress him, and seemed to inquire what these strange sounds meant; but -at length, perceiving that nothing was amiss, they gave themselves up to -the impression which the music communicated. Each new tune seemed to -produce a change of feeling, causing their gestures and cries to assume an -expression in accordance with it. But it was still more remarkable that, -after a piece had produced an agreeable effect upon them, if it was -incorrectly played, they would remain cold and unmoved. - - -MUSIC AMONG THE MICE. - -The writer used to amuse himself and friends by attracting a pair of mice -into his room by means of a guitar. The following, relating to the same, -is from the "American," 1856:-- - -"We called upon our friend, and found him alone in his room, 'touching the -guitar lightly.' He arose, greeted us with his bland smile, and said,-- - -"'Perhaps you would like to see my pupils. If you will be seated, and -remain very quiet, I will call them out.' - -"We did so. He resumed his seat, and, taking his splendid-toned guitar, -touched some beautiful chords from an opera, and, in a moment, two or -three mice ran out from the corner of the room, pointed on a 'bee line' -towards the sound of the instrument. They stopped and listened for a -moment or two, and, as the music glided up and down, they would move to -and fro some inches on the floor, reminding one of a Schottische. In -various passages of the music I saw one jump up two or three inches from -the floor. Thus they manoeuvred till the music ceased, when they scampered -away to their holes again." - - -MUSIC AND HEALTH. - -Let patients amuse themselves by music. It is conducive to health. I -cannot select music for you; choose for yourself, only don't get the -"Hark! from the tombs a doleful sound" style. Get church music, if you -like, but select a cheering class. O, it is a very mistaken idea that all -music and mirth must cease in a house because a member of the household is -an invalid. Try my suggestion. Re-open the piano or organ; or, if you -haven't an instrument, re-tune your voices, and let music again "flow -joyfully along," and see if happy results do not follow. - -Physicians, I pray you, if you have never investigated this matter -personally, do so. It is not adopted by any particular school of physic. -It is not secured by letters patent. You will not be accounted outside of -the Asclepiadae, nor sued for infringement, if you prescribe music for the -despondent patient. You need not turn "minstrels," burnt-cork fellows, -etc., nor make comic actors of yourselves by so doing. - -Your judgment will suggest the kind of patient who most needs this sort of -"soul and spirit" stimulus. It is better than slop porter; better than -sulphuric acid brandy, or strychnine whiskey, and you well know the basis -of those liquors. Don't think me officious in these strong suggestions. -Try my advice, and you will agree with me. - -"PROVE ALL THINGS; HOLD FAST TO THAT WHICH IS GOOD." - -[Illustration] - - - - -XXIV. - -ADULTERATIONS. - - BREAD, BUTTER, AND THE BIBLE.--"JACK ASHORE."--BUCKWHEAT CAKES ARE - GOOD.--WHAT'S IN THE BREAD, AND HOW TO DETECT IT.--BUTTER.--HOW TO - TELL GOOD AND BAD.--MILK.--ANALYSIS OF GOOD AND "SWILL MILK."--WHAT'S - IN THE MILK BESIDES MICE?--THE COW WITH ONE TEAT.--"LOUD" CHEESE.--TEA - AND COFFEE.--TANNIN, SAWDUST, AND HORSES' LIVERS.--ALCOHOLIC - DRINKS.--CHURCH WINE AND BREAD.--BEER AND BITTER HERBS.--SPANISH FLIES - AND STRYCHNINE.--"NINE MEN STANDIN' AT THE DOOR."--BURTON'S ALE; AN - ASTONISHING FACT.--FISHY.--"FISH ON A SPREE."--TO REMEDY IMPURE - WATER.--CHARCOAL AND THE BISHOP.--HOG-ISH.--PORK AND - SCROFULA.--NOTICES OF THE PRESS. - - -BREAD. - -Bread and butter and the Bible are synonymous with civilization and -Christianity. Bread and the Bible, civilization and Christianity, have -kept step together since the history of each began. - -Two shipwrecked sailors, floating on a spar, after long privation and -suffering, were thrown upon an unknown land. After looking about very -shyly,--for every thing looked wild and uncivilized,--they came suddenly -upon a hut. Jack was afraid to advance, but his hungry companion -cautiously approached, and finally entered the hut. In a moment he came -rushing out, exclaiming,-- - -"Come on, Jack. It's all right. Nobody at home; but it's civilized land -we're grounded on. I found a loaf of bread." - -This was conclusive evidence, next to finding a Bible, that it was a -civilized country; and Jack waited for no further proof, but followed -Captain Duncan into the cabin, where the two soon appeased their hunger. - -Wheaten bread was never an article of diet amongst savages. "Take away -wheat bread and butter from our families for a few generations, and who is -prepared to say that civilization would not glide easily to a state of -barbarism? There is sound philosophy in this suggestion, because there is -no other kind of human food that is so admirably adapted to the -development of the human frame, including a noble brain, as good wheat -bread." It contains phosphates in just sufficient quantities to keep up a -healthful supply for brain work. Fish contains more phosphorus; but are -fish-eating Esquimaux,[10] or coast-men, the more intellectual for having -made fish their principal diet? - -In five hundred pounds of wheat, there are,-- - - Muscle material, 78 pounds. - Bone (and teeth) material, 85 " - Fat principle, 12 " - -Ground to a fine flour:-- - - Muscle material, 65 " - Bone material, 30 " - Fat principle, 10 " - -Cereal food will keep off hunger longer than animal food. By experience I -have found that buckwheat will satisfy the cravings of hunger longer than -wheat, rye, or corn. Dr. R. B. Welton, of Boston, says,-- - -"A lady of culture, refinement, and unusual powers of observation and -comparison, became a widow. Reduced from affluence to poverty, with a -large family of small children dependent on her manual labor for daily -food, she made a variety of experiments to ascertain what articles could -be purchased for the least money, and would, at the same time, "go the -farthest," by keeping her children longest from crying for something to -eat. She soon discovered that when they ate buckwheat cakes and molasses, -they were quiet for a longer time than after eating any other kind of -food. - -[Illustration: SIGNS OF CIVILIZATION.] - -"A distinguished judge of the United States District Court observed that -when he took buckwheat cakes for breakfast, he could sit on the bench the -whole day without being uncomfortably hungry. If the cakes were omitted, -he felt obliged to take a lunch about noon. Buckwheat cakes are a -universal favorite at the winter breakfast table, and scientific -investigation and analysis have shown that they abound in the heat-forming -principle; hence nature takes away our appetite for them in summer." - -Another writer says,-- - -"We find the lowest order of intelligences standing on a potato. Only one -step above this class, another order is found on a hoe-cake. One degree -above this we meet with the class that has risen in the scale of being as -high as it is possible for mortals to rise on a pancake. Head and -shoulders above all of these classes we find the highest order of -intelligences, with large and well-developed brains, and noble characters, -standing securely on their wheaten loaf." - -Since bread, then, is the "staff of life," the sin of its adulteration is -the greatest of all wrongs to the human family. - -Flour is often adulterated with plaster, white earth, alum, magnesia, etc. - -To detect plaster, burn some of the bread to ashes, and the white grains -will be discovered. - -Alum is a very pernicious ingredient of adulteration, intended to make the -bread white and light. It is often mixed in inferior flour. It is -detected thus: Soak the loaf till soft in water, adding sufficient warm -water to make it thin; stir it well, and set it a few hours; then strain -it and boil it, to evaporate most of the water. After it stands a while, -and cools, the crystals of alum will be precipitated. You may then tell it -by taste. - -Magnesia, so often mixed with inferior flour, to make the bread appear -light, is injurious to children and invalids. You may detect it by burning -the bread, and finding the magnesia in the ashes. - -Soda, or potash. Much soda produces dyspepsia, sour stomach, and burning. -To find potash, or soda, break up the bread, and pour upon it sufficient -hot water to cover it. When it is cool, take a piece of litmus paper -(obtained at the apothecary's), wet it in vinegar, and put it into the -dish with the bread and water. The potash will turn the litmus blue again. -The more potash, the sooner it changes. In some countries it is known that -bread is adulterated by copper. - - -BUTTER. - -Butter stands next to bread, as an article of diet. It is adulterated, -with difficulty, with lard; but the usual way is to mix very cheap butter -with a quantity of good butter. Butter is colored by carrots, yellow -ochre, and yolks of eggs, and "adulterated by sand and chalk." To detect -all of these, melt the butter in hot water. The coloring will separate and -join the water, and the other adulterations settle to the bottom. - - -MILK. - -"There's chalk in the milk," is all nonsense. Chalk will not remain in -solution, but will settle. Hence milk is not adulterated with chalk. Milk -is reduced by water, and if the body is again made up which the water has -reduced, it is done by adding corn starch, or calves' brains! - -_Pure Milk contains_ - - Water, 862.8 - Solid particles, 137.2 - ----- - To parts 1000 - - Butter, 43.8 - Sugar, 52.7 - Caseine, 38.0 - Saline, 2.7 - ----- - Solid matter, 137.2 - -_Grass-fed Cows' Milk._ - - Water, 868 - Solid, 132 - ---- - To parts 1000 - - Butter, 44 - Sugar, 46 - Caseine, 39 - Salt, 3 - --- - Solid matter, 132 - -_Swill Milk of New York._ - - Water, 930 - Solid particles, 70 - ---- - To parts 1000 - - Butter, 18 - Sugar, 8 - Caseine, 34 - Salt, 10 - -- - Solid matter, 70 - -[Illustration: SWILL MILK (MAGNIFIED).] - -The reader will perceive by these quotations (from Dr. Samuel R. Percy's -report to the Academy of Medicine, New York), that it requires twice as -much swill milk to give the same amount of nourishment as of a pure -article. Furthermore, the swill milk is diseased, and, when magnified, -appears as represented in the illustration. It contains corrupt matter, -and pieces of _diseased udder_, with broken-down rotten globules. - -The result of feeding children on this pernicious article of diet is to -generate scrofula, skin diseases, rickets, diarrhoea, cholera infantum, -and consumption, or marasmus--wasting away. - -[Illustration: PURE MILK.] - -[Illustration: WATERED MILK.] - -[Illustration: "WHAT'S IN THE MILK?"] - -Some children in cities literally starve to death on this sort of milk. - -Starch in milk may be detected by putting a drop of iodine into a glass of -milk, when the starch will give off a blue color; or, by boiling such -milk, it will thicken. _Animals' brains_, which are sometimes mixed in -milk, may be detected with the microscope. Soda is often put in cans of -milk that are to be transported, to keep the milk sweet. - -We once saw a milkman _picking a pair of mice out of his big milk can_; -but these little accidents, with hairs and dirt from the animals, are not -to be mentioned, in view of the above greater facts of "what's in the -milk"? - -During the late run on the ---- Bank, New York, a gentleman said that a -Westchester milkman named Thompson W. Decker had purchased sixteen -thousand dollars worth of books at a discount, not because he wanted to -speculate, as he was a millionnaire, but to show he had confidence in the -institution, and wished to enhance its credit. Profitable business! - - -THE COW WITH ONE TEAT. - - A cute old dairyman, who lived on a farm,-- - To tell you the place is no good, nor no harm,-- - Kept three or four cows--"Fan," "Molly," and "Bess," - With one not yet mentioned, whose name you can't guess. - - Two teams he kept running by night and by day, - But where all the milk came from nobody could say; - His cows were no better than those of his neighbor, - Who kept just as many with equal the labor. - - And as for paying! he built a great house, - And barns, and granaries that would keep out a mouse; - He drove fast horses, and was said to live high, - But his neighbors looked on, and couldn't tell why. - - "_Old Bess kicked the bucket!_ Now let's see," said they, - "If he runs his two carts in the same style to-day." - But the 'cute old farmer was not to be beat, - For the best to give down was the cow with one teat! - - But since old "Bess" died the milk had grown thinner, - And the fact _leaked_ out now that the old sinner - Had a cow with one teat, and fixed near the rump - Was a handle which worked like any good pump! - - -CHEESE. - -"Poison is sometimes generated in curds, and cheese prepared too damp, -without sufficient salt." - -Hall, of the Recorder, has been presented with some Limburger cheese; and -this is how he acknowledges it: "Our friend, Wm. F. Belknap, of Watertown, -sends us some _choice_, _fragrant_, Limburger cheese. Although of Dutch -_descent_, we 'pass.' _Our_ 'offence is _not_ rank!' and does not 'smell -to Heaven.' That _distinct_ package of Limburger could give the ninety and -nine little 'stinks of Cologne' ten points, and 'skunk' 'em--just as -e-a-s-y. We generously offered the package to a man who slaughters skunks -for their hide and ile; but he said he didn't admire the odor, and guessed -he'd worry along without it; and we finally passed it on a German, who -lives over the hill five miles to leeward of the village. We suppose there -_are_ some people who eat Limburger. It's just as a man is brought up. -'None for Joseph,' thank you." - - -TEA AND COFFEE. - -Tea was introduced into England in the year 1666, and sold for sixty -shillings per pound. It was first boiled till tender, and sauced up with -butter in large dishes, the "broth" being thrown away: An excellent way -for using the article! - -All imported tea is black, unless colored before leaving China, and is -colored by prussiate of potash--a poison so deleterious as to require -labelling in drug stores as "POISON." It makes one very nervous,--good tea -does not, unless used to excess,--and acts as a slow poison on the system. -By its over-action on the liver, it makes one yellow, and will spoil the -fairest complexion. All teas contain tannic acid, which, combining with -milk, makes excellent leather of one. Black teas are sometimes colored -with gypsum and Prussian blue. - -I obtained these facts from a retired tea merchant of Philadelphia. He -spent some time in China. - -Coffee is adulterated with mahogany sawdust, acorns, peas, beans, roasted -carrots, but more commonly with dandelion root and chiccory. I have -obtained some samples of these from a large coffee-grinder in this city. -But what is more repulsive still, baked horses' and bullocks' livers are -often mixed with cheap coffees, to _give them more body_! Pure coffee is -the less injurious. All these substances may be detected, _as they become -soft by boiling, which coffee-bean does not_. Coffee browned in -silver-lined cylinders retains its flavor more perfectly than in iron. - - -ALCOHOLIC DRINKS. - -This is not a temperance lecture. I have only to tell you of impure -liquors. Excepting alcohol I know of no pure liquors. I can find none. I -have offered one hundred dollars for an ounce of pure brandy. - -_Wines._--The following articles are used to make or adulterate wine: -water, sugar, arsenic, alum, cochineal and other coloring matter, chalk, -lime, sulphur, lead, corrosive sublimate, etc. - -To detect arsenic, put some pure lime-water in a glass, and drop the -wine,--say a teaspoonful,--into it. If white clouds arise, expect that it -contains arsenic. A positive test of arsenic in liquids is the -ammonio-nitrate of silver, which precipitates a rich yellow matter, the -_arseniate of silver_, and this quickly changes to a greenish-brown color. -No elder or deacon should use wine, unless domestic, without having a -sample of it analyzed by a disinterested chemist. The thought to me is -perfectly shocking, that the villanous concoctions sold by even honest and -Christian druggists, and used for communion purposes, to represent the -blood of Christ, should be composed of _alum, arsenic, and bugs_! -(cochineal). Of bread I say the same. A deacon's wife, not a hundred miles -from Lowell, buys baker's bread, _sour and yellow_, for communion -purposes. A lady showed me a sample of it, very unlike what my old -grandmother, a deaconess, used to make for that purpose. It requires too -much space to give tests of the various poisons in wines. I have no -confidence in _any_ foreign wines. - -Alcohol has been distilled from the brain and other parts of the dead body -of drunkards. - - -A WINE BATH. - -An American traveller in the streets of Paris, seeing the words, "Wine -Baths given here," exclaimed,-- - -"Well, these French are a luxurious people;" when, with true Yankee -curiosity and the feeling that he could afford whatever any one else did, -he walked in and demanded a "wine bath." - -Feeling wonderfully refreshed after it, and having to pay but five francs, -he asked, in some astonishment, how a wine bath could be afforded so -cheaply. His sable attendant, who had been a slave in Virginia, and -enjoyed a sly bit of humor, replied,-- - -"O, massa, we just pass it along into anudder room, where we gib bath at -four francs." - -"Then you throw it away, I suppose." - -"No, massa; den we send it lower down, and charge three francs a bath. -Dar's plenty of people who ain't so berry particular, who will bathe in -it after this at two francs a head. Den, massa, we let the common people -have it at a franc apiece." - -"Then, of course, you throw it away," exclaimed the traveller, who thought -this was going even beyond Yankee profit. - -[Illustration: A CHAMPAGNE BATH.] - -"No, indeed, massa," was the indignant reply, accompanied by a profound -bow; "no, indeed, massa; we are not so stravagant as dat comes to; we just -bottle it up den, and send it to 'Meriky for champagne." - - -A CHEMIST'S TESTIMONY. - -Dr. Hiram Cox, an eminent chemist of Ohio, states that during two years he -has made five hundred and seventy-nine inspections of various kinds of -liquors, and has found nine tenths of them imitations, and a quarter -portion of them poisonous concoctions. Of brandy, he found one gallon in -one hundred pure; of wine, not a gallon in a thousand, but generally made -of whiskey as a basis, with poisonous articles for condiments. Not a drop -of Madeira wine had been made in that island since 1851. Some of the -whiskey he inspected contained sulphuric acid enough in a quart to eat a -hole through a man's stomach. - -[Illustration: MOTHER'S MILK PURE AND HEALTHY.] - -[Illustration: MOTHER'S MILK AFTER DRINKING WHISKEY.] - -Brandy usually contains sulphuric acid. I obtained a "pure article" -yesterday, from an honest, Christian druggist. In an hour I found -sulphuric acid in it. Acids are easily detected in liquors, by placing in -it for an hour a bright steel spatula. The acids have an affinity to -steel, and the spatula soon turns black, separating the acid from the -liquid supposed to be brandy. If the brandy is sharp to the throat on -swallowing it, be sure that it is not pure, but contains capsicum, -horseradish, or fusel oil. Good brandy will be smooth and oily to the -throat. To detect lead in wine or brandy, suspend a piece of pure zinc in -the glass, and if the lead is present, delicate fibrils of that metal will -form on the zinc. - -All malt liquors may be adulterated. Bitter herbs are used instead of -hops. Copperas is used in lager beer; tobacco, nux vomica, and cocculus -indicus in London porter--brown stout. To avoid them, _drink no beer_. It -is of no earthly or heavenly use. A patient who would die without beer -will certainly die with its use. _Spanish flies_ are said to be used in -liquors sometimes. - -The strychnine--of whiskey--directs its action to the superior portion of -the spinal cord: hence paralysis, insanity, and sudden death of whiskey -drinkers. - -Drinkers often suffer from gravel, from the lime, or chalk, or other -minerals contained in liquors. Alcohol itself will _not digest_, yet -ignorant physicians prescribe alcoholic drinks for dyspeptics. - -Vinegar is often made from sulphuric acid. Good vinegar will not burn on -your lips. To detect acid-sulphuric, drop a little of solution of sugar of -lead in your vinegar; the lead precipitates a whitish sediment. - - -A SHORT SERMON. - -"There's nine men standin' at the dore, an they all sed they'd take sugar -in there'n. Sich, friends and brethering, was the talk in a wurldli' cens, -wonst common in this our ainshunt land, but the dais is gone by and the -sans run dry, and no man can say to his nabur, Thou art the man, and will -you take enny more shugar in your kaughey? But the words of our tex has a -difrunt and more pertikelur meenin than this. Thar they stood at the dore -on a cold winter's mornin, two Baptiss and two Methodies and five -Lutharians, and the tother was a publikin, and they all with one vois sed -they wouldn't dirty their feet in a dram shop, but if the publikin would -go and get the drinks they'd pay for 'em. And they all cried out and sed, -'I'll take mine with shugar--for it won't feel good to drink the stuff -without sweetenin'.' So the publikin he marched in, and the bar-keeper -said, 'What want ye?' and he answered and sed, 'A drink.' 'How will ye -have it?' 'Plain and strate,' says he, 'for it ain't no use in wastin' -shugar to circumsalvate akafortis. But there's nine more standin' at the -dore, and they all sed they'd take shugar in ther'n.' Friends and -brethering, it ain't only the likker or the spirits that is drunk in this -roundabout and underhanded way, but it's the likker of all sorts of human -wickedness in like manner. There's the likker of mallis that menny of you -drinks to the drugs; but you're sure to sweetin' it with the shugar of -self-justification. Ther's the likker of avris that some keeps behind the -curtain for constant use, but they always has it well mixt with the -sweetin' uv prudens and ekonimy. Ther's the likker of self-luv that sum -men drinks by the gallon, but they always puts in lots of the shugar of -Take Keer of Number One. - -"An' lastly, ther's the likker uv oxtorshun, which the man sweetins -according to circumstances.... And ther's nine men at the dore, and they -all sed they'd take shugar in ther'n. But, friends and brethering, thar's -a time comin' and a place fixin' whar thar'll be no 'standin' at the -door,' to call for 'shugar in ther'n.' But they'll have to go rite in and -take the drink square up to the front, and the bar-keeper'll be old Satun, -and nobody else; and he'll give 'em 'shugar in ther'n,' you'd better -believe it; and it'll be shugar of lead, and red-hot at that, as shure as -my name's CONSHUNCE DODGER." - - * * * * * - -ALCOHOL contains no life-supporting principle. It has no iron or salts for -the blood, no lime for bone, phosphorus for brain, no nitrogen for vital -tissue. Burton's "_Old Pale Ale_" is given to invalids, but (by Dr. -Hassal's analysis of one gallon), one must swallow 65,320 parts (grains) -of water, 200 of vinegar, 2,510 of malt gum, etc., in order to get 100 of -sugar, which is the only nourishing quality therein. - -FISH is a good and wholesome article of diet, and salt water fish are -never poisonous, if fresh. I once knew of fresh water fish being -poisonous. The following article appeared in the Daily Courant of Hartford -in 1864. - - -THE FISH IN LITTLE RIVER ON A SPREE. - -Something got into the fish in Little River yesterday morning, "and raised -the mischief" with them. They came to the top of the water, hundreds of -them, and acted as if they were in the last stages of a premature decline. -"Want of breath," such as boys say dogs die with, seemed to be the -trouble. Never were the finny tribe so anxious to get out of water, and -they poked their noses above the surface in the most beseeching way -possible. The appeal was too strong to resist, and hundreds of men, women, -and children, with sudden inventions for furnishing relief, such as -baskets, coal-sifters, bags, etc., fixed at the end of long poles, lined -the banks of the stream, and such luck in fishing has not been witnessed -in this vicinity for years. What produced all this commotion among the -inhabitants of the deep, is only conjectured. Some say a beer brewery, -whose flavoring extracts (one of which is said to be cockle), after being -relieved of their choicest qualities, are sent through a sewer into the -stream, was the fountain head from which the trouble flowed. But beer -drinkers look upon the idea as preposterous; they say it casts an -unwarranted reflection upon a most respectable article of beverage. -Perhaps so. Another claim is that somebody had thrown acid into the water; -and another that decayed vegetable matter, occasioned by the long drought, -has been liberally distributed in the river, from small streams which the -late rains have swollen. We express no opinion about it, for, as the -sensationist would say in speaking of something on a grander scale, "The -whole matter is wrapped in the most profound mystery." It is a sure -thing, however, that the fish had a high old time, and were considerably -puzzled themselves to know what was up. Wouldn't advise anybody to invest -in dressed suckers for a day or two, at least. - -Since writing the above, Dr. Crabtre, coroner, informs us that he has -secured several of the fish, and finds, by analyzing, that they were -poisoned by sulphuric acid. The evidence of it is very strong in the fish -that died before being taken from the water. Acid is used at Sharp's -factory, and is thrown in considerable quantities into the river. It will -not be very healthy business to eat fish which have been thus "tampered -with," and, as we are informed that many were dressed yesterday and sent -into market, we caution the public against buying "small fry," unless they -know where they were caught. - - -WATER. - -Foul wells, from an accumulation of carbonic acid gas, may be purified by -a horse-shoe. But the horse-shoe, or other iron, or a brick, must be red -hot. The vapor thus immediately absorbs the poison gas. - -"Drink no water from streams or rivers on which, above, there are -manufactories, etc.," says a medical writer. But if such water is filtered -through charcoal, it will be tolerably pure. Even stagnant water may be -purified by pulverized charcoal. Dead rats, cats, and dogs are sometimes -found in wells. The taste of the water soon reveals such offensive -presence. Clean out the well, and sift in some charcoal and dry earth, and -the water will be all right again. - - * * * * * - -CHARCOAL will purify, but it will also defile, as the following will -show:-- - -"A small boy, not yet in his teens, had charge of a donkey laden with -coals, on a recent day in spring; and in a Midland Lane, far away from any -human habitation, the wicked ass threw off his load--a load too heavy for -the youngster to replace. He sat down in despair, looking alternately at -the sack and the cuddy--the latter (unfeeling brute!) calmly cropping the -roadside grass. At last a horseman hove in sight, and gradually drew -nearer and nearer. - -[Illustration: WAITING FOR ASSISTANCE.] - -"'Halloa, thee big fellow!' cried the lad to the six-feet Archdeacon of -----, 'I wish thee'dst get off thy 'oss, and give us a lift with this here -bag of coals.' - -"The venerable rider had delivered many a charge in his life, but never -received such a one as this himself--so brief and so brusque. He was taken -aback at first, and drew himself up; but his good nature overcame his -offended dignity, and dismounting, he played the part, not of the Levite, -but of the Samaritan. The big priest and the small boy tugged and tumbled -the sack, and hugged and lifted it, till the coals were fairly _in statu -quo_--the archdeacon retiring from his task with blackened hands and -soiled neck-tie. - -"'Well,' exclaimed the small boy as his venerable friend remounted his -horse, 'for such a big chap as thee art, thee's the awkwardest at a bag o' -coals I ever seed in all my born days! Come op, Neddy!'" - - -HOGISH. - -Pork is one of the vilest articles ever introduced into the dietetic -world. It is a food for the generation and development of scrofula. The -word _scrofa_ (Latin), from which _scrofula_ is derived, means a breeding -sow. Pork is the Jew's abomination. I have never seen but one Jew with the -scrofula. The Irish worship a pig. They die by the wholesale of scrofula -and consumption. Tubercles are often found in pork, sometimes in beef. We -had the gratification of adding to the health of Hartford for two summers -by abating the swine nuisance. Previous to our war on them, the hogs -_rooted and wallowed in the streets_! - - -ADULTERATIONS OF SUGAR AND CONFECTIONERY. - -It is pleasantly supposed that sugar is the basis of all candies; and -originally this was doubtless true. - -It would be better for the rising generation if the original prescription -was still carried out, and nothing of a more injurious nature than sugar -was added to it, in the innumerable varieties of confectionery which are -daily sold in our shops, or in richly decorated stores, "gotten up -regardless of expense," over elegant marble counters, and from tempting -cut and stained glass jars, or from little stands upon the street corners, -to our children, old and young. - -Sugar, pure and in moderate quantities, is a very harmless confection. - -Professor Morchand and others affirm that a solution of pure sugar has no -injurious effect upon the teeth, the popular notion to the contrary -notwithstanding. Neither is pure or refined sugar, taken in moderate -quantities, injurious to the blood, or the stomach, _unless the stomach be -very weak_. In order to cure my children of an inordinate appetite for -sugar, I have repeatedly obtained a pound of pure white lump, and set it -before each, respectively, allowing it to eat as much as it chose. -Failing, in one case out of three, to surfeit the child with one pound, I -purchased six pounds in a box, and taking off the cover, I placed the -whole temptingly before her. This cloyed her, and now she does not take -sugar in her tea. - -[Illustration: A CONFECTIONERY STORE.] - -I have never known serious results accruing from children eating large -quantities of purified sugar; yet I would not advise it to be given them -in excess, excepting for the above purpose, viz., "to cure them of an -inordinate appetite for sugar." - -Now try to break the child of an excessive appetite for candy by giving it -large quantities at once, and nine times out of ten you will have a sick -or dead child in the house for your rash experiment. - -Hence your candies, "nine times out of ten," will be found to contain -injurious or poisonous substances. - - -REFINED SUGAR. - -Sugar is an aliment and condiment. It is also, medically, an alterative -and a demulcent. Finely pulverized loaf sugar and gum arabic, in equal -proportions, form an excellent and soothing compound for inflamed throats, -catarrh, and nasal irritations, to be taken dry, by mouth and nostrils, -and often repeated. - -Pure loaf sugar is white, brittle, inodorous, permanent in the air, and of -a specific gravity of 1.6. It is chemically expressed thus: C24, H22, O22. -It is nutritious to a certain extent, but alone will not support life for -an unlimited length of time. This is owing to the entire absence of -nitrogen in its composition. By analysis, sugar is resolved into carbon, -oxygen, and hydrogen. - -Pulverized sugar is often adulterated with starch, flour, magnesia, and -sometimes silex and terra alba. Loaf sugar, however, is usually found to -be pure. - - -BROWN OR UNREFINED SUGAR. - -Brown sugar changes under atmospheric influences, and loses its sweetness. -This change is attributed to the lime it contains. The best grade of brown -sugar is nearly dry, of yellowish color, and emits less odor than the -lower grades. It consists of cane sugar, vegetable and gummy matter, -tannic acid, and lime. Put your hand into a barrel containing damp brown -sugar, press a quantity, and suddenly relax your grasp, and it moves as -though it was alive. It is alive! Place a few grains under a powerful -microscope, and lo! you see organized animals, with bodies, heads, eyes, -legs, and claws! - -Poor people, who purchase brown sugar in preference to white, miss a -figure in their selection, by the sand, water, and other foreign -substances which the former contains. - -Brown sugar is not so wholesome as the refined. I have attributed several -cases of gravel that have come under my observation to the patients' -habitual use of low grades of brown sugar. - - -CONFECTIONERY. THE FIRST STEP IN ITS ADULTERATION. - -Confectionery and sweetmeats used to be manufactured from sugar, flour, -fruit, nuts, etc., and flavored with sassafras, lemon, orange, vanilla, -rose, and the extracts of various other plants or vegetables. When -competition came in the way of profits on these articles, the avaricious -and dishonest manufacturer began to substitute or add something of a -cheaper or heavier nature to these compositions, which would enable him to -sell at a lower price, with even a greater profit. Candy cheats were not -easily detected, the sweets and flavors hiding the multitude of sins of -the confectioner. - -It seemed all but useless for the would-be honest manufacturer to attempt -to either compete with his rival or to expose his rascalities, which -latter would only serve to advertise the wares of his competitor. Hence -he, too, adopted the same practice of adulterating his manufactures. One -dishonest man makes a thousand. I do not affirm that there are no honest -confectioners,--this would be as ungenerous as untrue,--or that we must -use no confectionery. But let us hereby learn to avoid that which is -impure. - - -GYPSUM, TERRA ALBA, OR PLASTER OF PARIS. - -This is the principal article used in the manufacture of impure candies. -The first intimation that the writer had of terra alba being mixed with -sugar in candy, was when one confectioner placed a sample of the _white -earth_ in a dish upon his counter, with a sample of confectionery made -therefrom, to expose the cheat of his rivals. "But as for me, I make only -pure candies," etc., was his affirmation. Well, perhaps he did. - -What is the nature of gypsum, terra alba, or white earth? Gypsum, or -sulphate of lime, is a white, crystalline mineral, found in the excrement -of most animals. Hence gypsum is extensively used as an artificial manure. -It is found in peat soil, also used for manure, and is a natural -production, occurring in rocky masses, under various names, as alabaster, -anhydrate, and selenite. - -The natural gypsum, or plaster of commerce, consists of - - Water, 21 per cent. - Lime, 33 " - Sulphuric acid, 46 " - --- - 100 - -Plaster was used as a fertilizer by the early Roman and British farmers. -It was introduced into America in 1772. It may here be worthy of notice, -that when Dr. Franklin desired to exhibit its utility to his unbelieving -countrymen, he sowed upon a field near Washington, in large letters, with -pulverized gypsum, the following words: "This has been plastered." - -The result is supposed to have been highly convincing. But this was as a -manure. Dr. Franklin did not recommend it as a condiment. - -You may know children who have been sown with plaster--though that plaster -was modified by the smaller admixture of sugar--by their pale, puny, -weakly appearance. Sugar has a tendency to increase the fatty and warming -matter of the system; gypsum, or terra alba, to destroy it. - -Gypsum is used in confectionery without being calcined. Calcined plaster, -after being wet, readily "sets," or hardens. Heating gypsum deprives it of -the percentage of water, when it is known to commerce as "plaster of -Paris." It is cheap as manure; hence it is used instead of sugar. - -Terra alba taken into the system absorbs the moisture essential to health, -and disposes the child to weakness of the joints and spinal column, to -rickets, marasmus, and consumption. There are other diseases to which its -habitual use exposes the user; but if parents will not heed the above -warning, it is useless to multiply reasons for not feeding children upon -cheap or adulterated confectionery. - - -TO DETECT MINERAL SUBSTANCE. - -Take no man's _ipse dixit_ when the health or lives of your precious ones -are at stake. "Prove all things." - -To detect mineral substances in candy, put a quantity--particularly of -lozenges, peppermints, or cream candy--into a bowl, pour on sufficient hot -water to cover it well. Sugar is soluble in boiling water to any extent. -Terra alba is not. The sugar will all disappear; the plaster, sand, etc., -will settle to the bottom; the coloring matter will mix in or rise to the -top of the water. _Pure candies leave no sediment when dissolved in hot -water._ - -I have seen some "chocolate cream drops" which were half terra alba; nor -were these purchased upon the street corners, where the worst sorts are -said to be exhibited. Boston dealers complain that some New York houses -send drummers to Boston who offer confectionery at a less price, at -wholesale, than it costs to manufacture a fair grade of the same by any -process yet known, in Boston. Chocolate drops are made by a patent process -at about seventeen cents per pound when sugar is fourteen, and chocolate -thirty-five cents per pound. - -Gum arabic drops have been sold for seventeen cents when sugar cost -almost twice that sum, and pure gum arabic nearly three times seventeen -cents. I asked an extensive confectioner how this could be explained, and -he said, "By using glucose in place of gum arabic." - -Now, glucose is a sugar obtained from grapes, a very nice substitute for -the above, though less sweet than other sugars--as cane, beet, etc. - -"What do you call glucose?" I asked this confectioner. - -"It is mucilage made from glue," was his reply. - -Glue is a nasty substance, at best. It is extracted by no very neat -process from the refuse of skins, parings, hoofs, entrails, etc., of -animals, particularly of oxen, calves, and sheep. It usually lies till it -becomes stale and corrupt before being made into glue. - -A confectioner showed me some "gum arabic drops" made from this patent -"glucose" which cost but thirteen cents per pound. Jessop exhibited some -extra pure gum drops which actually cost fifty cents to manufacture. I -found all his costlier candies to be pure. - -Gum drops are a luxury, and are excellent for bronchial difficulties, -inflammation of the throat, larynx, and stomach. How shall we, then, tell -a pure gum arabic drop from those nasty glue drops? First, the cheap -article is usually of a darker color. The pure gum arabic drops are light -color, like the gum. Take one in your fingers and double it over. If it -possesses sufficient elasticity to bend on itself thus without breaking -the grain, you may feel pretty sure it is gum arabic. The glue drop is -brittle, and breaks up rough as it bends. - -Do not purchase the colored drops. Pure sugar and gum arabic are white, or -nearly so, and require no coloring. - -Purchase only of a reliable party. Avoid colored confectionery, also all -cheap candies. Even maple sugar makers _have heard_ of sand and gypsum. - - -POISONOUS COLORING MATTER, ETC. - -The following poisonous coloring materials are sometimes used in -confectionery, says "The Art of Confectionery," but should be avoided: -Scheele's green, a deadly poison, composed of arsenic and copper; -verdigris (green), or acetate of copper--another deadly poison; red oxide -of lead; brown oxide of lead; massicot, or, yellow oxide of lead; oxide of -copper, etc.; vermilion, or sulphuret of mercury; gamboge, chromic acid, -and Naples yellow. "Litmus, also, should be avoided, as it is frequently -incorporated with arsenic and the per-oxide of mercury." - -Ultramarine blue is barely admissible, and blue candies are less liable to -be injurious than green, yellow, or red. Marigolds and saffron are -sometimes used for coloring; but the cost of these, particularly the -latter, compared with the minerals, as French and chrome yellows, is so -high, rendering the temptation to substitute the latter so great, that -purchasers should give themselves the benefit of the fear, and use no -yellow candies of a cheap quality. Green candy is the most dangerous. Buy -none, use none; they are mostly very dangerous confections. - - -LICORICE, GUM DROPS, ETC. - -About the nastiest of all candies are the licorice and the chocolate -conglomerations. Glue, molasses, brown sugar, plaster, and lampblack, are -among their beauties, with, for the latter, just sufficient real chocolate -to give them a possible flavor. Licorice is cheap enough and nasty enough, -but the addition of refuse molasses, glue, and lampblack, which is no -unusual matter, makes it still more repulsive. - -Metcalf & Company, extensive wholesale and retail druggists, kindly gave -me the figures of cost on the first, second, and lower grades of gum -arabic, glucose, etc. The first quality of gum arabic costs, by the cask, -about sixty to seventy-five cents per pound; the lowest about twenty-two. -There is a new manufacture in New York, with a "side issue," wherein they -necessarily turn out large quantities of glucose,--refuse from grain,--and -this is sold for eight to thirteen cents a pound, to confectioners. It is -much better than glue, but still the glue is used to-day, and I have on my -table at this moment a sample of "gum drops" made this week in Boston from -cheap glue, brown sugar, and a little Tonka bean flavor. The Tonka bean -represents vanilla. These cost thirteen cents a pound, and are sometimes -known, with the mucilage or glucose drops, to wholesale buyers, as "A. B." -drops, to distinguish them from pure gum arabic. The unfortunate consumer, -however, is not informed regarding the difference. - - -DANGEROUS ACIDS. - -"Sour drops," or lemon drops, are sometimes flavored with lemon; but oil -of lemon is costly, and sulphuric and nitric acids are cheap, and more -extensively used in confectionery. I recently sat down with a friend, in a -first-class restaurant, to a piece of "lemon pie," etc. I took St. Paul's -advice, and partook of what was set before me, asking no questions for -conscience' sake. The next morning, meeting the friend,--a physician, by -the way,--I asked him how he liked tartaric acid. He replied, "Very well -in a drink, but not in pies." - -These acids are not only injurious to the teeth, but to the tender mucous -membranes of the throat and stomach, engendering headache, colic-like -pains, diarrhoea, and painful urinary diseases. Spirits of turpentine, or -oil of turpentine, is extensively used in "peppermints;" also in essence -of peppermint, often sold by peddlers, and in shops, as "pure essence." I -question if any druggist would retail such impure and dangerous articles, -since he would know it at sight, and ought to be familiar with its evil -effects when used freely, as people use essence of peppermint. What I -have stated respecting the flavoring of soda syrups is applicable to -confectionery. - -[Illustration: TARTARIC ACID FOR SUPPER.] - -[Illustration: A STREET CANDY STAND.] - -Hydrocyanic acid, or prussic acid, which is mentioned as being used to -represent "wild cherry," in syrup or medicines, is employed in candies to -give an "almond" flavor. Oil of bitter almonds is very costly, which is -the excuse for substituting the much cheaper article, prussic acid. - -The temptations set in the way of children to purchase candies are so -great, and the adulterations so common, that I have devoted more space to -the _expose_ of these cheats than I at first intended; but I hope that the -public will hereby take warning, and mark the beneficial results which -will accrue from an avoidance of cheap, painted, and adulterated -confectioneries. These are sold everywhere, but most commonly upon the -streets. - -Near a stand upon a public street of this city, sandwiched by the thick -flying dust on the one hand, and the warning, "Dust thou art," on the -other, my attention was attracted to a little ragged urchin, who stood -holding under his left arm a few dirty copies of a daily paper, while the -right hand wandered furtively about in his trousers pocket, and his eyes -looked longingly upon the tempting confectionery spread upon the dusty -board and boxes before him. Indecision dwelt upon his pale, thin -countenance, and drawing nearer, I awaited this conflict of mind and -matter with a feeling of no little curiosity. - -Finally, he seemed to have decided upon a purchase of some variegated -candy, and making a desperate dive with the hand deeper into the pocket, -he drew forth some pennies, which were quickly exchanged for the coveted -painted poison,--none the more poisonous for having been sold upon a -street stand, however. - -His sharp, bluish-pale face lighted up with an unnatural glow of delight -as he seized the tempting prize; and as he turned away, I said, kindly,-- - -"Have you been selling papers, sonny?" - -"Yes, sir; buy one?" he replied, with an eye yet to business. - -"Yes; and have you any more pennies?" - -"No, sir." And he dropped his head in confusion. - -"How much have you made to-day?" I next inquired. - -"Seventeen cents, sir." - -"And expended it all for candy, I suppose." - -Receiving an affirmative reply, I next kindly questioned him respecting -his family. His mother was a widow, very poor, and I asked him,-- - -"What will she say when you return with no money to show for your day's -work?" - -The tears started from his blue eyes, and I knew that I had made a -"point." After some further conversation, I persuaded him to show me where -he lived. Up the usual "three flight, back," in a low attic room, I beheld -a picture of abject misery. The mother was sick, and lay uncomfortably -upon an old sofa, which, with two rickety chairs and a large box, which -served the double purpose of table and cupboard, were the only furniture -of the apartment. She was totally dependent upon her little son's earnings -for a sustenance. She had nothing in the house to eat; no money with which -to obtain anything. Her boy's earnings had fallen off unaccountably, and -for two days they had not tasted food. When she learned that he had -brought in no money (for it was now near nightfall), she fell to weeping -and upbraiding "the lazy, idle wretch for not bringing home something to -eat." The boy began to cry bitterly, and acknowledged his error in -spending his earnings for confectionery. I then exacted a solemn promise -from him that he never would buy another penny's worth of the poison, gave -him some change to purchase a bountiful meal, and left with a -determination to ventilate street candy stands. - -[Illustration: THE NEWSBOY'S MOTHER.] - - - - -XXV. - -ALL ABOUT TOBACCO. - - "The doctors admit snuff's a hurtful thing, - And troubles the brain and sight, - But it helps their trade; so they do not say - Quite as much as they otherwise might."--L. H. S. - - "HOW MUCH?"--AMOUNT IN THE WORLD.--"SIAMESE TWINS."--A MIGHTY - ARMY.--ITS NAME AND NATIVITY.--A DONKEY RIDE.--LITTLE - BREECHES.--WHIPPING SCHOOL GIRLS AND BOYS TO MAKE THEM SMOKE.--TOM'S - LETTER.--"PURE SOCIETY."--HOW A YOUNG MAN WAS "TOOK IN."--DELICIOUS - MORSELS.--THE STREET NUISANCE.--A SQUIRTER.--ANOTHER.--IT BEGETS - LAZINESS.--NATIONAL RUIN.--BLACK EYES.--DISEASE AND INSANITY.--USES OF - THE WEED.--GETS RID OF SUPERFLUOUS POPULATION.--TOBACCO WORSE THAN - RUM.--THE OLD FARMER'S DOG AND THE WOODCHUCK.--"WHAT KILLED HIM." - - -HOW MUCH? - -Do you know how much money is being squandered to-day, in the United -States, in the filthy, health-destroying use of tobacco? - -No. - -Only $410,958! That's all. - -In Commissioner Wells's report, it is shown that in the fiscal year ending -June 30, 1868, the amount received from the tax on chewing and smoking -tobacco was, in round numbers, fifteen million dollars. Add to this the -cost of production, and dealers' profits, which are five times more than -the revenue tax, amounting to seventy-five million dollars. The number of -cigars taxed was six hundred millions. It is calculated as many more are -used through smuggling, making a grand total yearly expenditure in the -United States of one hundred and fifty millions of dollars for tobacco -alone! - -[Illustration: THE IDOL OF TOBACCO USERS.] - -Give me $410,958 a day, and I will go into the pauper houses of these -United States, and bring forth every pauper child; I will go down into the -dark, damp cellars, and away into the cobweb-hung attics, and bring forth -every ragged child of crime and poverty. I will take all these little -bread-and-gospel-starved children, feed, clothe, and send them to school -and Sabbath school, the year round, with $410,958 a day. - -Christian ministers and professors, think of it! Young men and boys, think -of it! - -Yes, the Americans smoke, snuff, and chew one hundred and fifty million -dollars in tobacco annually. The Chinamen consume $38,294,200 worth of -opium in a year. The Russians stuff and glut over an unmerciful amount of -lard and candles in a year; and the Frenchmen disgust the rest of mankind -by eating all the frogs they can catch. Then there are the cannibals of -the South Seas--they love tender babies to eat, but not an old -tobacco-soaked sailor will they masticate. - -Tobacco kills lice, bugs, fops, small boys, and other vermin. - -Tobacco fees doctors, and fills hospitals. - -Tobacco fills insane asylums and jails. - -Tobacco fills pauper houses and graveyards. - -Tobacco makes drunkards. - -Tobacco and rum go hand and hand; they are one, inseparable; they are -twins, yea, Siamese twins, the Chang and Eng of all villanies. I never saw -a drunkard who did not first use tobacco. Did you? - -John H. Hawkins, the father of Washingtonians, said he never was able to -find a drunkard who had not first used tobacco. - - -TOO LOW A FIGURE. - -Since writing the above I have been variously informed that my figures are -too low. The national revenue derived from tobacco in the States for the -year ending June, 1871, was $31,350,707. - - -CIGARS. - -"According to General Pleasonton, who collected the tax on them, there -were 1,332,246,000 cigars used in the United States last year. This one -billion three hundred and thirty-two million two hundred and forty-six -thousand cigars were undoubtedly retailed at ten cents apiece. So we -smoked up in this country, last year, $133,224,600 worth of tobacco." - -This does not include pipe-smoking nor chewing tobacco. - -The total amount of the vile weed produced in the world annually is as -follows:-- - - Asia, 309,900,000 pounds. - Europe, 281,844,500 " - America, 248,280,500 " - Africa, 24,300,100 " - Australia, 714,000 " - ----------- - Making a total of, 865,039,100 " - - -THE MIGHTY ARMY OF INVASION. - -It is estimated that there are two hundred millions of tobacco-users in -the world. What a splendid regiment of sneezers, spewers, smokers, and -spitters they would make! They would form a phalanx of five deep, reaching -entirely around the world. - -Wouldn't they look gay? Forty millions, with filthy old tobacco pipes -stuck in their mouths, "smoking away 'like devils!'" Eighty millions, with -best Havana cigars, made in Connecticut and New York, from cabbage leaf, -waste stumps of cigars, and "old soldiers," thrown away by Irish, Dutch, -Italians, French, and Chinese, out of cancerous mouths, whiskey mouths, -syphilitic and ulcerous mouths, rotten-toothed -mouths--splendid!--protruding from between their sweet lips! Forty -millions with pigtail and fine cut, sweet "honey dew," made as above, -scented, grinding away in their forty million human mills! Forty millions, -including five millions in petticoats, holding cartridge boxes (of snuff) -in their delicate hands, from which they distribute death-dealing -ammunition to--their lovely noses! - -See them "marching along, marching along," to the tune that never an "old -cow died on" yet, or hogs, or any animal, except he unfortunately became -mixed up involuntarily with viler humans,--with jolly banners, blacked in -the smoke and stench of great battles, bearing the words "Death to -Purity!" "War to the Hilt with Health!" "All hail, Disease, Drunkenness, -and Death!" - -Splendid picture! - -Alas! true picture! - -And what do they leave in their wake? - -Death to all animal and vegetable life! - -The vile spittle and debris dropped by the way have killed all vegetable -life. There's nothing vile and filthy that they have not cursed the ground -with. - -The following are a few of the articles mixed with various brands of -tobacco, as though the original poisonous weed was not sufficiently -deleterious: Opium, copperas, iron, licorice,--blacked with -lampblack,--the dirtiest refuse molasses, the offal of urine, etc. - -The effluvia and smoke arising have killed the foliage and the birds by -the wayside, and miles of beautiful forests have been burned away. Nothing -but a broad strip of blackened, cursed, and barren waste, remains. To -offset this evil there is--nothing. - -Now, this army is daily on its march through our land, and I have only -_begun_ to mention its depredations. Who will stop it? - - -ITS NAMES AND NATIVITY. - -Tobacco is a native of the West Indies. Romanus Paine, who accompanied -Columbus on his second voyage, seems to have been the first to introduce -tobacco into Europe as an article of luxury. Paine is said to have lived a -vagabond life, and died a miserable death. - -The natives called it _Peterna_. The name tobacco is derived from the town -of Tabaco, New Spain. The Latin name, Nicotiana Tabacum, is from Jean -Nicot, who was a French ambassador from the court of Francis I. (born the -year tobacco was introduced by Paine) to Portugal. On the return of -Nicot, he brought and introduced to the French court the narcotic plant, -and popularized it in France. Thence it was introduced all over Europe, -but encountered great opposition. Sir Walter Raleigh introduced tobacco -into England about 1582. - -History informs us that a Persian king so strongly prohibited its use, and -visited such severe penalties upon its votaries, that many of his subjects -fled away to the caves, forests, and mountains, where they might worship -this matchless deity free from persecution. The czar prohibited its use in -Russia under penalty of death to smokers, mitigating snuff takers' penalty -to _merely slitting open their noses_. - -[Illustration: PUNISHMENT OF THE TURK.] - -In Constantinople a Turk found smoking was placed upon a donkey, facing -the beast's rump, and with a pipe-stem run through his nose, was rode -about the public streets, a sad warning to all tobacco smokers. King James -thundered against it. The government of Switzerland sounded its voice -against it till the Alps echoed again. - -But in spite of opposition and the vileness of the article, it has worked -itself into a general use,--next to that of table salt,--and to-day a -majority of the adult male population of our Christianized and enlightened -United States are its acknowledged votaries. - -[Illustration: SMOKERS OF FOUR GENERATIONS.] - -In the year 1850 I saw in a house in Sedgwick, Me., individuals of four -different generations smoking. The old grandmother was eighty-five years -old. She smoked. A grandmother, sixty-three, with her husband, smoked. -Their son smoked, and had very weak eyes. His two nephews smoked and -chewed tobacco. The elder lady died with scrofulous sore eyes, not having, -for years before her death, a single eyelash, and her swollen, inflamed -eyelids were a sight disgusting to view. All her grand and great -grandchildren whom I saw were scrofulous. Some suffered with rheumatism, -and all were yellowish or tawny. - - -LITTLE CHILDREN LEARN TO SMOKE. - -I once saw a father teaching his little three-year-old boy to smoke. I -knew a boy at Ellsworth who learned to smoke before he could light his -pipe. His father, who taught him the wicked habit, was not at all -respectable, and had often been jailed for selling rum. - - * * * * * - -The following is a sample of the modern John Hay's style of teaching:-- - - LITTLE-BREECHES. - - "I come into town with some turnips, - And my little Gabe come along-- - No four-year-old in the county - Could beat him for pretty and strong; - Peart, and chipper, and sassy, - Always ready to swear and fight, - And I'd larnt him to chaw terbacker, - Jest to keep his milk teeth white. - - "The snow come down like a blanket - As I passed by Taggart's store; - I went in for a jug of molasses, - And left the team at the door. - They scared at something and started-- - I heard one little squall, - And hell-to-split over the prairie - Went team, Little-Breeches and all. - - "Hell-to-split over the prairie! - I was almost froze with skeer; - But we rousted up some torches, - And sarched for 'em far and near. - At last we struck hosses and wagon, - Snowed under a soft white mound: - Upsot, dead beat--but of little Gabe - No hide nor hair was found. - - "And here all hopes soured on me - Of my fellow-critters' aid-- - I jest flopped down on my marrow bones, - Crotch-deep in the snow, and prayed. - By this the torches was played out, - And me and Isrul Parr - Went off for some wood to a sheep-fold, - That he said was somewhar thar. - - "We found it at last, and a little shed - Where they shut up the lambs at night; - We looked in, and seen them huddled thar, - So warm, and sleepy, and white. - - "And thar sot Little-Breeches, and chirped - As peart as ever you see: - 'I want a chaw of terbacker, - And that's what's the matter of me.'" - -[Illustration: "I WANT A CHAW OF TERBACKER."] - - -WHIPPING SCHOOL BOYS AND GIRLS TO MAKE THEM SMOKE. - -In London, in 1721, Thomas Hearne tells us school children were compelled -to smoke. "And I remember," he says, "that I heard Tom Rogers say that -when he was yeoman beadle that year, when the plague raged, being a boy -at Eaton, all the boys of his school were obliged to smoke in the -school-room every morning, and that he never was whipped so much in his -life as he was one morning for not smoking." - -[Illustration: YOUNG SMOKERS.] - -Some boys, nowadays, would gladly undergo the "flogging" if they could be -permitted to enjoy a smoke afterwards. - -There are but few people inhabiting the eastern coast, and following -fishing for a vocation, who do not smoke or chew tobacco; and their wives -and children also smoke. - -Sailors are proverbially addicted to smoking and chewing. Their love of -tobacco far exceeds their appetite for grog. - - * * * * * - -The following letter from a sailor below port to his brother in London -explains itself:-- - - NEAR GRAVESEND, on board Belotropen. - - TO DEAR BROTHER BOB. - - DEAR BOB: This comes hopin' to find you well, as it leaves me safe - anchored here yester arternoon. Voyge short an' few squalls. Hopes to - find old father stout, and am out of pigtail. - - Sight o' pigtail at Gravesend but unfortinately unfit for a dog to - chor. I send this by Capt'n's boy, and buy me pound best pigtail and - let it be good--best at 7 diles (Dials), sign of black boy, and am - short of shirts--only took two, whereof one is wored out and tother - most. - - Capt'n's boy loves pigtail, so tie it up when bort an' put in his - pocket. Aint so partick'ler about the shirts as present can be washed, - but be sure to go to 7 diles sign of Black boy and git the pigtail as - I haint had a cud to chor since thursday. Pound'll do as I spect to be - up tomorrow or day arter. an' remember the pigtail--so I am your - lovin' brother - - Tom ----. - - P. S. dont forget the pigtail. - - -PURE SOCIETY.--HOW A YOUNG MAN WAS "TOOK IN." - -When a young man is about to be "taken into society," the question -naturally arises, Is the young man, or the society, to be benefited by the -accession? As the young man seems anxious to make his _debut_ there, we -presume _he_ is to be benefited by the initiation into pure society. - -[Illustration: EXAMINATION OF THE SMOKER.] - -Since nine tenths of the young men are tobacco-users, we will presume -safely enough that this young man is one of them. He has used it from -five to seven years,--sufficient time to admit of its becoming part and -parcel of him. - -The young man--"John" is his name--is before the examining committee, who, -not being blind or obtuse from the use of the weed themselves, and knowing -no young man is fit to enter pure society who uses, or has used, tobacco, -without being purified, they submit him to the test, with the following -results:-- - -"His clothes are impregnated with tobacco," the examiner reports. - -"Let them be removed and purified," is the command. - -[Illustration: PURIFYING HIS BLOOD.] - -They are soaked in alkalies, and soap, and water. They are washed, and -boiled, dried, aired, and pressed and pronounced clean, and fit for -society. - -The committee next examine John's skin. "It is full of nicotine. It must -be cleansed." So John is taken to the Turkish bath, the most likely place -to remove the filth permeating his every pore. Dr. Dio Diogenes puts him -through; he is "sweated," and the great room is scented throughout by the -tobacco aroma arising from the ten thousand before clogged-up pores of his -skin. He is all but parboiled, then soaped and scrubbed, rubbed, and then -goes into the plunge bath. The fishes are instantly killed. The canary -bird in the next room is suffocated by the effluvia penetrating to his -cage. The young man is wiped again, dried, and cooled. - -Again the committee smell. John is not yet pure. The nicotine is "in his -blood," says Dr. Chemistry. A faucet is introduced into John's aorta, and -his blood drawn off into a bucket for the chemist to analyze and purify of -tobacco. Still the flesh is full of nicotine, and it must be removed and -purified. It is too late for John to object, and the fact cannot be denied -that the poison _is_ in his muscle; so he is stripped of the integuments -to his framework. - -[Illustration: CLEANSING HIS BONES.] - -The committee now examine the bony structure. - -In Germany they have recently dug up the bones of tobacco-users who have -been dead years, and found nicotine (tobacco principle) in them. May not -this man's bones be full of nicotine, which will come out through, if we -replace the integuments, blood, and garments? - -"The bones must be subjected to purification," said the judge. - -They are soaked in alkalies, boiled in acids, and sufficient nicotine is -extracted to kill five men not hardened in the tobacco service. - -Thus, and only thus, could John have been purified from his vile habit and -its results, and fitted for decent male society, female society, and -Christian society. There is said to be one other place where John can -possibly have the nicotine of seven years' deposit taken out of him. It is -a very warm place, and the principal chemical ingredient used is said to -be sulphuric, and kept up to a boiling point by means of infernal great -fires. - - -DELICIOUS MORSELS. - -Nicotine is the active principle of tobacco, expressed chemically thus: -C10 H8 N. One fourth of a drop will kill a rabbit, one drop will kill a -large dog. It is a virulent poison, the intoxicating principle of -_prepared_ tobacco. It is not in the natural leaf. _It results from -fermentation._ Two little boys were overheard discussing tobacco merits -and demerits. One was in favor of tobacco, the other "anti." "Why," said -anti, "it's so poisonous that a drop of the oil, put on a dog's tail, will -kill a man in a minute." It is the opium in the best Havanas which -enslaves the smokers more than the tobacco. Those cigars, also American -manufactured cigars, are dipped in a solution of opium. It is said that -twenty thousand dollars' worth of opium is used annually in one cigar -manufactory in Havana. - - -THE STREET NUISANCE. - - "I knew, by the smoke that so lazily curled - From his lips, 'twas a loafer I happened to meet; - And I said, "If a nuisance there be in the world, - 'Tis the smoke of cigars on a frequented street." - - "It was night, and the ladies were gliding around, - And in many an eye shone the glittering tear; - But the loafer puffed on, and I heard not a sound, - Save the sharp, barking cough of each smoke-stricken dear." - -[Illustration: THE SMOKER.] - -Here is a "blow" from Horace Greeley. "I do not say that every chewer or -smoker is a blackguard; but show me a blackguard who is not a lover of -tobacco, and I will show you two white blackbirds." Good enough for -Horace. - -Now, admitting that there are gentlemen who smoke and chew on the streets, -how are ladies, or the people, to know that they are such, since the -loafer, the blackguard, the thief, the pickpocket, the profaners of God's -name (all), the blackleg, the murderers bear the same insignia of their -profession? At one time, every man incarcerated in the Connecticut state -prison was a tobacco-user; nearly all, also, at the Maine, Vermont, and -Massachusetts prisons. - -It is quite lamentable to see how liable tobacco-using is to convert a -thorough gentleman into a selfish, dirty blackguard, who will promenade -the streets, chatting with some boon companion, while the pair go -recklessly along, blowing their offensive smoke directly into ladies' -faces, their ashes into their beautiful eyes, and spitting their filthy -saliva directly or indirectly over costly dresses, thinking only of self! - - -THE MAN WHO CHEWS. - - Behold the picture of the man who chews! - A human squirt-gun on the world let loose. - A foe to neatness, see him in the streets, - His surcharged mouth endangering all he meets. - The dark saliva, drizzling from his chin, - Betrays the nature of the flood within. - Where, then, O where, shall Neatness hope to hide - From this o'erwhelming of the blackened tide? - Shall she seek shelter in the house of prayer? - A hundred squirting mouths await her there. - The same foul scene she's witnessed oft before,-- - A _solemn cud_ is laid at every door! - The vile spittoon finds place in many a pew, - As if one part of worship were to _chew_! - -[Illustration: THE CHEWER.] - - -ANOTHER STREET NUISANCE. - -Speaking of President Grant and his cigar, a writer says,-- - -"Not only do smoky editors take advantage of this weakness of our -president, but tobacconists, greedy of gain, are subjecting it to their -sordid purposes. Hitherto these gentlemen have insulted the public taste -by posting at their shop doors some savage, some filthy squaw, or some -unearthly image, to invite attention to their cigars and 'negro head -tobacco.' And all this seemed appropriate. But cupidity is audacious, and -they now insult American pride by installing at their doors a full, -life-like, wooden bust of General Grant offering to passing travellers a -cigar. Emblems of majesty are not rare. We have Jupiter with his -thunderbolt, Hercules with his club, Ahasuerus with his sceptre, -Washington with his Declaration of Independence, Lincoln with his -Proclamation of Liberty to four millions, and now, in this year of our -Lord, we have President Grant and his cigar! - -[Illustration: SIGN OF THE TIMES.] - - -IT BEGETS LAZINESS AND NATIONAL RUIN. - -Sir Benjamin Brodie, a distinguished physician of London, says, "A large -proportion of habitual smokers are rendered lazy and listless, indisposed -to bodily and incapable of much mental exertion. Others suffer from -depression of the spirits, amounting to hypochondriasis, which smoking -relieves for the time, though it aggravates the evil afterwards.... - -"What will be the result, if this habit be continued by future -generations?" - -Tobacco is ruining our nation. Its tendency is to make the individual user -idle, listless, and imbecile. Individuals make up the nation. Those -nations using the most tobacco are the most rapidly deteriorating. - -Once the ships of Holland ploughed the waters with a broom at the -mast-head, emblematic of her power to sweep the ocean. Behold her now! -"Her people self-satisfied, content with their pipes, and the glories once -achieved by their grandfathers." Look at the Mexicans, and the lazzaroni -of Italy. "Spain took the lead of civilized nations in the use of tobacco; -but since its introduction into that country, the noble Castilian has -become degenerated, his moral, intellectual, and physical energies -weakened, paralyzed, and debased. The Turks, descendants of the warlike -Saracens, are notoriously known as inveterate smokers. And to-day they are -characterized as an enervated, lazy, worthless, degenerate people." - -Go about the shops, and bar-rooms, and billiard-halls of our own -community, and see _our_ lazzaroni. What class do they principally -represent--the active and virtuous, or the idle and vicious? - -[Illustration: MY LAZY SMOKING FRIEND.] - -A young man greatly addicted to smoking, and who, to my knowledge, was -exceedingly lazy, was seated by the writer's fireside, listless and idle, -save barely drawing slowly in and out the tobacco smoke of an old pipe, -when, after repeated requests of his sister that he should go out to the -shed and bring in some wood to replenish the dying embers, she got out of -patience with him, and exclaimed,-- - -"There, Ed, you're the laziest fellow I ever saw, sitting there and -smoking till the fire has nearly gone out, on a cold day like this." - -"Ugh!" he grunted, and slowly added, "I once heard tell of a lazier boy -than I am, sister." - -"How could that be possible? Do tell me," she exclaimed, impatiently. - -"Well, you see,"--spitting on the floor,--"when he came to die, he -couldn't do it. He was too lazy to draw his last breath, and they had to -get a corkscrew to draw it for him." - -[Illustration: "SHALL I ASSIST YOU TO ALIGHT?"] - -[Illustration: WORK FOR TONGUES AND FINGERS.] - - "You think it smart and cunning, John, - To use the nauseous weed; - To make your mouth so filthy then, - It were a shame indeed. - To smoke and chew tobacco, John, - Till your teeth are coated brown, - Making a chimney of your nose, - And of yourself a clown,-- - - "Yes, that would be so cunning, John,-- - The girls will love you so; - Your breath will smell so sweet, - They'll want you for a beau. - Because you use tobacco, John, - You think yourself a man; - But the girls will find it out, John, - Disguise it all you can." - -"Shall I assist you to alight?" asked one of those nice young men who loaf -about country hotel doors, smoking a villanous cigar, of a buxom country -lass, on arrival of the stage. - -"Thank you, sir," said the girl, with irony, and a jump, "but I never -smoke." - - -BLACK EYES AND FINGERS. - -An American traveller visiting the greatest cigar manufactory in Seville, -Spain, says, amongst other things,-- - -"Here were five thousand young girls, all in one room,--and Sevillians, -too,--in the factory. They are all old enough to be mischievous, and 'put -on airs.' I doubt if as many black eyes can be seen in any one place as in -this factory. Their fingers move rapidly, and their tongues a little -faster. The manufactories consume ten thousand pounds of tobacco per day. - -"I have often heard that a woman's weapon is her tongue, and that the sex -were notorious for using it; but, like many other unkind statements -against Heaven's best, last gift to man, I doubted it until I peeped into -the Fabrico de Tabacos of Seville. What must be the weight of mischief -manufactured each day along with the cigars, I don't know, but I feel safe -in stating that it is at least equal with the tobacco. This factory was -erected in 1750, is six hundred and sixty feet long by five hundred and -twenty-five wide, and is surrounded by a mole. It is the principal factory -in the kingdom, as every one uses tobacco in some shape in Andalusia, not -excepting the ladies; but it is when they are on the shady side of forty -that they puff and cogitate. Snuff, cigars, and cigarettes are all -manufactured here. The best workers among the girls earn about forty cents -per day, the poorest about half that amount. Every night they are all -searched." - - -DISEASE AND INSANITY. - -Tobacco helps to fill our insane asylums. Dr. Butler, of Hartford, and -others, have assured me of the fact. "I am personally acquainted with -several individuals, now at lunatic asylums, whose minds first became -impaired by the use of tobacco." - -"In France, the increase in cases of lunacy and paralysis keeps pace, -almost in exact ratio, with the increase of the revenue from tobacco. From -1812 to 1832, the tobacco tax yielded 28,000,000f., and there were 8000 -lunatic patients. Now the tobacco revenue is 180,000,000f., and there are -44,000 paralytic and lunatic patients in French asylums. Napoleon and -Eugenie, assisted by their subjects, smoked out five million pounds of -tobacco the year before they went on their travels. Take notice. As ye -sow, so also reap." - -Sir Benjamin Brodie, before quoted, says, "Occasionally tobacco produces a -general nervous excitability, which in a degree partakes of the nature of -_delirium tremens_." - - -THE MEERSCHAUM. A SONNET. - - "The gorgeous glories of autumnal dyes; - The golden glow that haloes rare old wine; - The dying hectic of the day's decline; - The rainbow radiance of auroral skies; - The blush of Beauty, smit with Love's surprise; - The unimagined hues in gems that shine,-- - All these, O Nicotina, _may_ be thine! - But what of thy bewildered votaries? - How fares it with the more precious human clay? - Keeps the _lip_ pure, while wood and ivory stains? - Stays the _sight_ clear, while smoke obscures the day? - Works the _brain_ true, while poison fills the veins? - Shines the _soul_ fair where Tophet-blackness reigns? - Let shattered nerves declare! Let palsied manhood say!" - J. IVES PEASE. - - -USES AND ABUSES OF TOBACCO. - -In our opening remarks on tobacco, we stated some of the uses of tobacco, -such as killing bugs and lice on plants, vermin on cattle, etc. It -prevents cannibals from eating up our poor sailors; and, in the Mexican -war, it was ascertained that the turkey buzzards would not eat our dead -soldiers who were impregnated with tobacco! - -Dean Swift published a pamphlet, in his day, showing how the superfluity -of poor children could be made an article of diet for landlords who had -already consumed the parents' substance. All may not admit that there _is_ -a superfluity of children and youth in the larger towns and cities of our -country. A New York paper says that "five thousand young men might leave -New York city without being missed." Now for our argument. "Like begets -like." The lamb feeds upon pure hay or sweet grass. It is the emblem of -purity; it represented Christ. The lion and tiger have _only_ tearing -teeth, and subsist upon animal food, and they are of a wild, ferocious -nature. Man stuffs himself with tobacco poison. It becomes a part of -him,--muscle, blood, bone! Like begets like, and behold the tobacco-user's -children, puny, yellow, pale, scrofulous, rickety, and consumptive. Many -years ago it was estimated that twenty thousand persons died annually in -the United States from the use of tobacco. Nine tenths begin with tobacco -catarrh, go on to consumption, and death. - -"The diseased, enfeebled, impaired, and rotten constitution of the parent -is transmitted to the child, which comes into the world an invalid, and -then, being exposed more directly to the poisonous effects of this -pernicious habit of the parent, its struggle for life is exceedingly -short, and in less than twelve months from its birth it sickens, droops, -and dies, and the milkman's adulterated milk, especially in cities, is -often made the scape-goat for this uncleanly, if not sinful habit of the -parent." - -If it is true that the wicked mostly make up the tobacco-consumers, you -perceive by this, that like the prisons and gallows, tobacco catches and -kills off the superfluous wicked population and their offspring. The sins -of the parents are visited upon their children, and what a host of puny, -wretched, and wicked little children tobacco helps to rid the world of. -Selah! - - -TOBACCO WORSE THAN RUM. - -Tobacco is worse than rum because, by its begetting a dryness of the -throat and fauces, it creates an appetite for strong drink. It is too -evident to need corroboration. 1. "Rum intoxicates." So does tobacco. -"Intoxication" is from the Greek _en_ (in) and _toxicon_ (poison). -Therefore, when any perceptible poison is in the person, he is -intoxicated. 2. "Alcohol blunts the senses, and ruins many a fair -intellect." So does tobacco. But since the ruined drunkard used tobacco, -how do you know it was not tobacco which ruined him? Come, tell me! 3. -"Rum makes a man miserable." So does tobacco. The user is in Tophet the -day he is out of the weed. 4. "Whiskey makes paupers." So does tobacco. I -knew a whole family who went to the Brooklyn, Me., pauper house one -winter, when, if the father and mother had not used tobacco, they could -have been in health and prosperity. 5. "Rum makes thieves." So does -tobacco. Men have been known to steal tobacco when they would not have -stolen bread. 6. "It makes murderers." Where is the murderer of the -nineteenth century who was not a tobacco-user, and an excessive user at -that, from George Dennison, who on the drop asked the sheriff for a chew -of tobacco, to Stokes, in his New York cell, surrounded by a cloud of -tobacco smoke, awaiting the decision of the jury to ascertain if it was -really he who shot the "Prince of Erie"? - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: WHAT KILLED THE DOG?] - -You can't always tell just what kills a man, or a dog, as the following -story proves:-- - -"An old farmer was out one fine day looking over his broad acres, with an -axe on his shoulder, and a small dog at his heels. They espied a -woodchuck. The dog gave chase, and drove him into a stone wall, where -action immediately commenced. The dog would draw the woodchuck partly out -from the wall, and the woodchuck would take the dog back. The old farmer's -sympathy getting high on the side of the dog, he thought he must help him. -So, putting himself in position, with the axe above the dog, he waited the -extraction of the woodchuck, when he would cut him down. Soon an -opportunity offered, and the old man struck; but the woodchuck gathered up -at the same time, took the dog in far enough to receive the blow, and the -dog's head was chopped off on the spot. Forty years after, the old man, in -relating the story, would always add, with a chuckle of satisfaction, 'And -that dog don't know, to this day, but what the woodchuck killed him!'" - -We regret our want of space to ventilate tobacco more thoroughly. - -[Illustration] - - - - -XXVI. - -DRESS AND ADDRESS OF PHYSICIANS. - - The fish called the Flounder, perhaps you may know, - Has one side for use, and another for show; - One side for the public, a delicate brown, - And one that is white, which he always keeps down. - - * * * * * - - Then said an old Sculpin--"My freedom excuse, - But you're playing the cobbler with holes in your shoes; - Your brown side is up,--but just wait till you're _fried_, - And you'll find that all flounders are white on one side." - DR. O. W. HOLMES. 1844. - - GOSSIP IS INTERESTING.--COMPARATIVE SIGNS OF GREATNESS.--THE GREAT - SURGEONS OF THE WORLD.--ADDRESS NECESSARY.--"THIS IS A BONE."--DRESS - _not_ NECESSARY.--COUNTRY DOCTORS' DRESS.--HOW THE DEACON SWEARS.--A - GOOD MANY SHIRTS.--ONLY WASHED WHEN FOUND DRUNK.--LITTLE TOMMY - MISTAKEN FOR A GREEN CABBAGE BY THE COW.--AN INSULTED LADY.--DOCTORS' - WIGS.--"AIN'T SHE LOVELY?"--HARVEY AND HIS HABITS.--THE DOCTOR AND THE - VALET.--A BIG WIG.--BEN FRANKLIN.--JENNER'S DRESS.--AN ANIMATED WIG; A - LAUGHABLE STORY.--A CHARACTER.--"DASH, DASH." - - -"All personal gossip is interesting, and all of us like to know something -of the men whom we hear talked of day by day, and whose works have -delighted or instructed us; how they dressed, talked, or walked, and -amused themselves; what they loved to eat and drink, and how they looked -when their bows were unbent." - -Most famous men have had some peculiarity of dress or address, or both. -Our first impression of Goliah--by what we heard of his size--was that he -was as high as a church steeple; and of Napoleon, that he was as short as -Tom Thumb. But when we read for ourselves, we found that Goliah was much -less in stature than Xerxes and some modern giants, and Napoleon was of -medium size. - -No man can become truly great in any capacity unless he has the innate -qualities of greatness within his composition. These qualities, if -possessed, will appear in his face,--for face, as well as acts, indicate -the character. - -There seem to be elements of character in all great men--almost the -identical basis of character in the one as in the other, the different -vocations explaining any minor differences that are to be found in them. -Thus we find precisely the same features in the character of Michael -Angelo and the Duke of Wellington--two men living three centuries apart, -in different countries--one a great artist, and the other a great warrior. -Compare Washington and Julius Caesar; you will find them surprisingly alike -in many particulars. In them, as in every instance I have yet studied, the -distinguishing feature is an intense love of work--work of the kind that -fell to the lot of each to do. Another feature is indomitable courage; and -the last is a never-dying perseverance. Though I have carefully studied -the histories of many of the greatest men, in order, if I could, to -discover the source of their greatness, I have never yet come upon one -great life that has lacked these three features--love of work, unfailing -courage, and perseverance. - -"To be a good surgeon one should be a complete man. He should have a -strong intellect to give him judgment and enable him to understand the -case to be operated on in all its bearings. He needs strong perceptive -faculties especially, through which to render him practical, to enable him -not only to know and remember all parts, but to use instruments and tools -successfully; also large constructiveness, to give him a mechanical cast -of mind. More than this, he must have inventive power to discover and -apply the necessary mechanical means for the performance of the duties of -his profession. He must have large Firmness, Destructiveness, and -Benevolence, to give stability, fortitude, and kindness. He must have -enough of Cautiousness to make him careful where he cuts, but not so much -as to make him timid, irresolute, and hesitating; Self-esteem, to give -assurance; Hope, to inspire in his patients confidence, and genial -good-nature, to make him liked at the bedside. - -[Illustration: THE GREAT SURGEONS OF THE WORLD.] - -"In the group of eminent men whose likenesses are herewith presented, we -find strongly marked physiognomies in each. There is nothing weak or -wanting about them. All seem full and complete. Take their features -separately--eyes, nose, mouth, chin, cheeks, lips--analyze closely as you -can, and you will discover strength in every lineament and in every line. -In Harvey we have the large perceptives of the observer and discoverer. He -was pre-eminently practical in all things. In Abernethy there is naturally -more of the author and physician than of the surgeon, and you feel that he -would be more likely to give you advice than to apply the knife. In -Hunter, strong, practical common sense, with great Constructiveness, -predominates. See how broad the head between the ears. His expression -indicates 'business.' Sir Astley Cooper looks the scholar, the operator, -and the very dignified gentleman which he was. (He was the handsomest man -of his day.) Carnochan, the resolute, the prompt, the expert, is large in -intellect, high in the crown, and broad at the base; he has perhaps the -best natural endowment, and by education is the one best fitted for his -profession, among ten thousand. He is, in all respects, 'the right man in -the right place.' - -"Dr. Mott, the Quaker surgeon, has a large and well-formed brain, and -strong body, with the vital-motive temperament, good mechanical skill, and -great self-control, resolution, courage, and sound common sense. Jenner, -the thoughtful, the kindly, the sympathetical, and scholarly, has less of -the qualities of a surgeon than any of the others." - -For the above interesting facts we are indebted to the "Phrenological -Journal." - -Professor Bigelow, of Harvard, has all the requisites in his "make up" of -a great surgeon. As a lecturer, Dr. Bigelow is easy and off-handed. He -comes into the room without any fuss or airs. He takes up a bone, a femur, -perhaps, and after looking at it and turning it round and upside down as -though he never saw it before, he finally says, "This is a bone--yes, a -bone." You want to laugh outright at the quaintness of the whole prelude. -Then he goes on to tell all about "the bone." We have not space for more -than a mere line sketch of even great men like the above, and but few of -those. - - -THE OLD COUNTRY DOCTOR'S DRESS. - -The country doctor of the past is interesting in both dress and address. -He is almost always, somehow, an elderly gentleman. He devotes little time -and attention to dress. We have one in our "mind's eye" at this -moment,--the dear old soul! His head was as white as--Horace Greeley's; -not so bald. His hair he combed by running his fingers though it mornings. -His eyes, ears, and mouth were ever open to the call of the needy. His -clothes looked as though they belonged to another man, or as if he had -lodged in a hotel and there had been a fire, and every man had put on the -first clothes he found. His coat belonged to a taller and bigger man, also -his pants, while the vest was a boy's overcoat. His boots were not mates. -His lean old spouse looked neat and prim, but as though she had been used -for trying every new sample of pill which the doctor's prolific brain -invented. - -[Illustration: A CALL ON THE VILLAGE DOCTOR.] - -I knew another, kind, benevolent old doctor, who started off immediately -on a call, without adding to or changing his dress. I once saw him seven -miles from home in his shirt sleeves in November, driving fiercely along -in his gig, as dignified as though dressed in his Sunday coat. If a friend -reminded him of his omission, he would smile benevolently, swear as -cordially, and drive on. He did not mean to be odd, he did not mean to -swear; and the minister, who had talked with him on the subject more than -once, had come to that charitable conclusion--for the doctor always made -due acknowledgment, and did not forget the contributions and salaries. The -doctor was like an innocent old backwoods deacon we have heard of, who, -chancing at a village tavern for the first time, heard some extraordinary -swearing; and being fascinated by this new accomplishment, he went home, -and looking about for an opportunity to put to practical use the new -vocabulary, he finally electrified his amiable wife by exclaiming,-- - -"Lord-all-hell, wife; shut the doors by a dam' sight!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PHYSICIANS COSTUME IN 1790.] - -In regard to shirts, a reliable author tells us that Dr. H. Davy adopted -the following plan _to save time_. "He affected not to have time for the -ordinary decencies of the toilet. Cold ablutions neither his constitution -nor his philosophic temperament required; so he rarely ever washed -himself. But the most remarkable fact was on the plea of saving time. When -one shirt became too indecently dirty to be seen longer he used to put a -clean one on over it; also the same with stockings and drawers. By spring -he would look like the 'metamorphosis man' in the circus--big and rotund. - -"On rare occasions he would divest himself of his superfluous stock of -linen, which occasion was a feast to the washerwoman, but it was a source -of perplexity to his less intimate friends, who could not account for his -sudden transition from corpulency to tenuity." - -The doctor's stock of shirts must have equalled Stanford's. - -A California paper tells us that "twenty years ago Leland Stanford arrived -in that state with only one shirt to his back. Since then, by close -attention to business, he has contrived to accumulate a trifle of ten -million." - -What possible use can a man have for _ten million shirts_? - -The Earl of Surrey, afterwards eleventh Duke of Norfolk, who was a -notorious gormand and hard drinker, and a leading member of the Beefsteak -Club, was so far from cleanly in his person that his servants used to -avail themselves of his fits of drunkenness--which were pretty frequent, -by the way, for the purpose of washing him. On these occasions they -stripped him as they would a corpse, and performed the needful ablutions. -He was equally notorious for his horror of clean linen. One day, on his -complaining to his physician that he had become a perfect martyr to -rheumatism, and had tried every possible remedy without success, the -latter wittily replied, "Pray, my lord, did you ever try a clean shirt?" - -Dr. Davy's remarkable oddity of dress did not end here. He took to -fishing: we have noticed his writing on angling elsewhere. He was often -seen on the river's banks, in season and out of season, "in a costume that -must have been a source of no common amusement to the river nymphs. His -coat and breeches were of a bright green cloth. His hat was what Dr. Paris -describes as 'having been intended for a coal-heaver, but as having been -dyed green, in its raw state, by some sort of pigment.' In this attire -Davy flattered himself that he closely resembled vegetable life"--which -was not intended to scare away the fishes. - -[Illustration: HOW POOR TOMMY WAS LOST.] - -This reminds me of Mrs. Pettigrew's little boy "Tommy." Never heard of it? -"Well," says Mrs. Pettigrew, "I never again will dress a child in green. -You see,"--very affectedly,--"I used to put a jacket and hood on little -Tommy all of beautiful green color, till one day he was playing out on the -grass, looking so green and innocent, when along came a cow, and eat poor -little Tommy all up, mistaking him for a cabbage." - -Mrs. H. Davy was as curious in dress as the doctor. "One day"--it is told -for the truth--"the lady accompanied her husband to Paris, and walking in -the Tuileries, wearing the fashionable London bonnet of the -period,--shaped like a cockle-shell,--and the doctor dressed in his green, -they were mistaken for _masqueraders_, and a great crowd of astonished -Parisians began staring at the couple. - -"Their discomfiture had hardly commenced when the garden inspector -informed the lady that nothing of the kind could be permitted on the -grounds, and requested a withdrawal. - -"The rabble increased, and it became necessary to order a guard of -infantry to remove '_la belle Anglaise_' safely, surrounded by French -bayonets." - -[Illustration: BRIDGET'S METHOD OF MENDING STOCKINGS.] - -A Portland paper tells how a servant girl there mended her stockings. -"When a hole appeared in the toe, Bridget tied a string around the -stocking below the aperture and cut off the projecting portion. This -operation was repeated as often as necessary, each time pulling the -stocking down a little, until at last it was nearly all cut away, when -Bridget sewed on new legs, and thus kept her stockings always in repair." - - -DOCTORS' WIGS. - -For the space of about three centuries the physician's wig was his most -prominent insignia of office. Who invented it, or why it was invented, I -am unable to learn. The name _wig_ is Anglo-Saxon. Hogarth, in his -"Undertaker's Arms," has given us some correct samples of doctors' wigs. -Of the fifteen heads the only unwigged one is that of a woman--Mrs. Mapp, -the bone-setter. The one at her left is Taylor, the "quack oculist;" the -other at her right is Ward, who got rich on a pill. Mrs. Mapp is sketched -in our chapter on Female Doctors. Isn't she lovely? And how Taylor and -Ward lean towards her! - - YE ANCIENT DOCTOR. - - "Each son of Sol, to make him look more big, - Wore an enormous, grave, three-tailed wig; - His clothes full trimmed, with button-holes behind; - Stiff were the skirts, with buckram stoutly lined; - The cloth-cut velvet, or more reverend black, - Full made and powdered half way down his back; - Large muslin cuffs, which near the ground did reach, - With half a dozen buttons fixed to each. - Grave were their faces--fixed in solemn state; - These men struck awe; their children carried weight. - In reverend wigs old heads young shoulders bore; - And twenty-five or thirty seemed threescore." - - -HARVEY'S HABITS. - -I think Harvey should have been represented in a wig. They were worn by -doctors in his day, though John Aubrey makes no mention of Dr. Harvey's -wearing one. He (Aubrey) says, "Harvey was not tall, but of a lowly -stature; round faced, olive complexion, little eyes, round, black, and -very full of spirit. His hair was black as a raven, but quite white twenty -years before he died. I remember he was wont to drink coffee with his -brother Eliab before coffee-houses were in fashion in London. - -"He, with all his brothers, was very choleric, and in younger days wore a -dagger, as the fashion then was; but this doctor would be apt to draw out -his dagger upon very slight occasions. - -[Illustration: THE UNDERTAKER'S ARMS.] - -"He rode _on horseback, with a foot-cloth, to visit his patients, his -footman following, which was then a very decent fashion, now quite -discontinued_." - -It was not unusual to see a doctor cantering along at a high rate of -speed, and his footman running hard at his side, with whom the doctor was -keeping up a _lively_ conversation. - -[Illustration: DISPUTE OF THE DOCTOR AND VALET.] - -Jeaffreson tells the following story of Dr. Brocklesby, also the -proprietor of an immense wig. The doctor was suddenly called by the -Duchess of Richmond to visit her maid. The doctor was met by the husband -of the fair patient, and valet to the duke. - -In the hall the doctor and valet fell into a sharp discussion. On the -stairs the argument became hotter, for the valet was an intelligent -fellow. They became more excited as they neared the sick chamber, which -they entered, declaiming at the top of their voices. - -The patient was forgotten, though no doubt she lifted her fair head from -the pillow to see her undutiful lord disputing with her negligent doctor. -The valet poured in sarcasm and irony by the broadside. The doctor, with -true Johnny Bull pluck, replied volley for volley, and the battle lasted -for above an hour. The doctor went down stairs, the loquacious valet -courteously showing him out, when the two separated on the most amiable -terms. - -Judge of the doctor's consternation, when, on reaching his own door, the -truth flashed across his mind that he had neglected to look at the -patient's tongue, feel her pulse, or, more strange, look for his fee. The -valet was so ashamed, when he returned to the chamber, that his invalid -wife, instead of scolding him, as he deserved, fell into a laughing fit, -and forthwith recovered from her sickness. - -I have seen many a patient for whom I thought a right hearty laugh would -do more good than all the medicine in the shops. - -One William--known as "Bill"--Atkins, a gout doctor, used to strut about -the streets of London, about 1650, with a huge gold-headed cane in his -hand, and a "stunning" big three-tailed wig on his otherwise bare head. -Gout doctoring was profitable in Charles II.'s time. - -"Dr. Henry Reynolds, physician to George III., was the Beau Brummell of -the faculty, and was the last of the big-wigged and silk-coated doctors. -His dress was superb, consisting of a well-powdered wig, silk coat, velvet -breeches, white silk stockings, gold-buckled shoes, gold-headed cane, and -immaculate lace ruffles." - -Benjamin Franklin had often met and conversed with Reynolds. - - -FRANKLIN'S COURT DRESS. - -Nathaniel Hawthorne relates an anecdote of the origin of Franklin's -adoption of the customary civil dress, when going to court as a -diplomatist. It was simply that his tailor had disappointed him of his -court suit, and he wore his plain one, with great reluctance, because he -had no other. Afterwards, gaining great success and praise by his mishap, -he continued to wear it from policy. The great American philosopher was as -big a humbug as the rest of us. - - -DR. JENNER'S DRESS. - -"When I first saw him," says a writer of his day, "he was dressed in blue -coat, yellow buttons and waistcoat, buskins, well-polished boots, with -handsome silver spurs. His wig, after the fashion, was done up in a club, -and he wore a broad-brimmed hat." - - -AN ANIMATED QUEUE. - -An old English gentleman told me an amusing story of a wig. A Dr. Wing, -who wore a big wig and a long queue, visited a great lady, who was -confined to her bed. The lady's maid was present, having just brought in a -bowl of hot gruel. As the old doctor was about to make some remark to the -maid, as she held the bowl in her hands, he felt his queue, or tail to his -wig, moving, when he turned suddenly round towards the lady, and looking -with astonishment at his patient, he said,-- - -"Madam, were you pulling my tail?" - -"Sir!" replied the lady, in equal astonishment and indignation. - -Just then the tail gave another flop. - -Whirling about like a top whipped by a school-boy, the doctor cried to the -maid,-- - -"Zounds, woman, it was _you_ who pulled my wig!" - -"Me, sir!" exclaimed the affrighted lady's maid. - -"Yes, you, you hussy!" - -"But, I beg your pardon--" - -"Thunder and great guns, madam!" And the doctor whirled back on his -pivoted heels towards the more astonished lady, who now had risen from her -pillow by great effort, and sat in her night dress, gazing in profound -terror upon the supposed drunken or insane doctor. Again the wig swung to -and fro, like a clock pendulum. Again the old doctor, now all of a lather -of sweat, spun round, and accused the girl of playing a "scaly trick" upon -his dignified person. - -[Illustration: A WIG MOUSE.] - -"Sir, do you see that I have both hands full?" - -Away went the tail again. The lady saw it moving as though bewitched, and -called loudly for help. The greatest consternation prevailed, the doctor -alternating his astounded gaze between the two females; when the queue -gave a powerful jerk, and out leaped a big mouse, which went plump into -the hot porridge. The maid gave a shrill scream, and dropped the hot -liquid upon the doctor's silk hose, and fled. - -The poor, innocent mouse was dead; the doctor was scalded; the lady was in -convulsions--of laughter; when the room was suddenly filled by alarmed -domestics, from scullion to valet, and all the ladies and gentlemen of the -household. - -[Illustration: THE MYSTERY EXPLAINED.] - -"What's the matter?" sternly inquired the master of the house, approaching -the bed. - -"O, dear, dear!" cried the convalescent, "a mouse was in the doctor's wig, -and--" - -"A mouse!" exclaimed the doctor, jerking the offensive wig from his bald -pate. "A d--d mouse! I beg a thousand pardons, madam," turning to the -lady, holding the wig by the tail, and giving it a violent shake. He had -not seen the mouse jump, and till this moment thought that the lady and -maid had conspired to insult him. - - -A "CHARACTER." - -Old Dr. Standish was represented by our authority as "a huge, burly, -surly, churlish old fellow, who died at an extremely advanced age in the -year 1825. - -"He was as unsociable, hoggish an old curmudgeon as ever rode a stout -hack. Without a companion, save, occasionally, 'poor Tom, a Thetford -breeches maker,' 'he sat every night, for fifty years, in the chief parlor -of the Holmnook, in drinking brandy and water, and smoking a "church -warden."' Occasionally his wife, 'a quiet, inoffensive little body,' would -object to the doctor's ways, and, forgetting that she was a woman, offer -an opinion of her own. - -"On such occasions, Dr. Standish thrashed her soundly with a dog-whip." - -In consequence of too oft repetition of this unpleasantness, she ran away. - -"Standish's mode of riding was characteristic of the man. Straight on he -went, at a lumbering, six-miles-an-hour gait, _dash, dash, dash_, through -the muddy roads, sitting loosely in his saddle, heavy and shapeless as a -bag of potatoes, looking down at his slouchy brown corduroy breeches and -clay-colored boots, the toes of which pointed in opposite directions, with -a perpetual scowl on his brow, never vouchsafing a word to a living -creature. - -"'Good morning to you, doctor; 'tis a nice day,' a friendly voice would -exclaim. - -"'Ugh!' Standish would grunt, while on, _dash, dash, dash!_ he rode. - -"He never turned out for a wayfarer. - -"A frolicsome curate, who had met old Standish, and received nothing but a -grunt in reply to his urbane greeting, arranged the following plan to make -the doctor speak. - -[Illustration: MEETING OF THE DOCTOR AND THE CURATE.] - -"When riding out one day, he observed Standish coming on with his usual -'_dash, dash, dash_,' and stoical look. The clerical gentleman put spurs -to his beast, and charged the man of pills and pukes at full tilt. Within -three feet of Standish's horse's nose, the young curate reined suddenly -up. The doctor's horse, as anticipated, came to a dead halt, when the -burly body of old Standish rolled into the muddy highway, going clean over -the horse's head. - -"'Ugh!' grunted the doctor. - -"'Good morning,' said the curate, good-humoredly. - -"The doctor picked himself out of the mire, and, with a volley of -expletives 'too numerous to mention,' clambered on to his beast, and -trotted on, _dash, dash, dash!_ as though nothing had happened." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: DR. CANDEE.] - -The dress of the modern physician is a plain black suit, throughout, with -immaculate linen, and possibly a white cravat. - -Occasionally one will "crop out" in some oddity of dress, but usually as a -medium for advertising his business. With the better portion of the -community, such monstrosities do not pass as indications of intelligence -in the exhibitor. - -This engraving represents Dr. Candee, a western magnetic doctor. He was -formerly from the "nutmeg state," and is a fair specimen of the travelling -doctors who secure custom from their oddities and eccentricities of dress. - - - - -XXVII. - -MEDICAL FACTS AND STATISTICS. - - HOW MANY.--WHO THEY ARE.--HOW THEY DIE.--HOW MUCH RUM THEY - CONSUME.--HOW THEY LIVE.--OLD AGE.--WHY WE DIE.--GET MARRIED.--OLD - PEOPLE'S WEDDING.--A GOOD ONE.--THE ORIGIN OF THE HONEYMOON.--A SWEET - OBLIVION.--HOLD YOUR TONGUE!--MANY MEN, MANY - MINDS.--"ALLOPATHY."--LOTS OF DOCTORS.--THE ITCH MITE.--A HORSE CAR - RIDE.--KEEP COOL!--KNICKKNACKS.--HUMBLE PIE.--INCREASE OF INSANITY.--A - COOL STUDENT.--HOW TO GET RID OF A MOTHER-IN-LAW. - - -THE POPULATION. - -There are on the earth about one billion of inhabitants. - -They speak four thousand and sixty-four languages. - -Only one person in a thousand reaches his allotted years,--threescore and -ten. - -Between the ages of sixteen and forty-five, there are more females than -males. - -Lawyers live the longest, doctors next, ministers least of the three -professions. - -There are more insane among farmers than of any other laborers. - -Caucasians live longer than Malays, Hindoos, Chinese, or Negroes. - -Light-skinned, dark-haired persons with dark or blue eyes live the -longest. - -Red or florid complexioned, gray or hazel eyes, shortest. - -One half of the people die before the age of seventeen; one fourth before -seven. - -About 91,824 die each day; one every second. - -The married live longer than the single. - -Tall men live longer than short ones. (No pun.) - -Short women live longer than tall ones. - -Three quarters of the adults are married. - -Births and deaths are more frequent by night than day. - -The cost of the clergy of the United States is six million dollars yearly. - -Lawyers receive about thirty-five million dollars. - -Crime costs the United States about nineteen million dollars. - -Tobacco one hundred and fifty million dollars. (That's crime, also.) - -Liquors one billion four hundred and eighty-three million four hundred and -ninety-one thousand eight hundred and sixty-five dollars. (Text-book of -Temperance, p. 188.) - -Opium is eaten in the world by one hundred and twenty million people. - -Hasheesh is used by some twenty millions. - -The temperate live longer than the intemperate. - - -SELF-DESTRUCTION. - -[Illustration: A GERMAN BEER GIRL.] - -The Hon. Francis Gillette, in a speech in Hartford, Conn., in 1871, said -that there was "in Connecticut, on an average, one liquor shop to every -forty voters, and three to every Christian church. In this city, as stated -in the _Hartford Times_, recently, we have five hundred liquor shops, and -one million eight hundred and twenty-five thousand dollars were, last -year, paid for intoxicating drinks. A cry, an appeal, came to me from the -city, a few days since, after this wise: 'Our young men are going to -destruction, and we want your influence, counsel, and prayers, to help -save them.'" - -In New London, report says, the young men are falling into drinking habits -as never before. So in New Haven, Bridgeport, and the other cities and -large places of the state. - -"The pulse of a person in health beats about seventy strokes a minute, and -the ordinary term of life is about seventy years. In these seventy years, -the pulse of a temperate person beats two billion five hundred and -seventy-four million four hundred and forty thousand times. If no actual -disorganization should happen, a drunken person might live until his pulse -beat this number of times; but by the constant stimulus of ardent spirits, -or by pulse-quickening food, or tobacco, the pulse becomes greatly -accelerated, and the two billion five hundred and seventy-four million -four hundred and forty thousand pulsations are performed in little more -than half the ordinary term of human life, and life goes out in forty or -forty-five years, instead of seventy. This application of numbers is given -to show that the acceleration of those forces diminishes the term of human -life." - -"In New York, Mr. Greeley states that 'a much larger proportion of adult -males in the state drink now than did in 1840-44.' After speaking of the -adverse demonstrations all over the country, he adds, 'I cannot recall a -single decisive, cheering success, to offset these many reverses.' - -"Massachusetts is moving to build an asylum for her twenty-five thousand -drunkards. Lager beer brewers at Boston Highlands have three millions of -dollars invested in the business, manufactured four hundred and -ninety-five thousand barrels last year, and paid a tax of half a million -to the general government. The city of Chicago, last year, received into -her treasury one hundred and ten thousand dollars for the sale of -indulgences to sell intoxicating drinks. - -"The same rate of fearful expenditure for intoxicating drinks extends -across the ocean. In a speech before the Trades' Union Congress, last -October, at Birmingham, 'on the disorganization of labor,' Mr. Potter -shows drunkenness to be the great disorganizer of the labor of Great -Britain, at a yearly cost of two hundred and twenty-eight million pounds, -equal to one billion one hundred and forty million dollars; enough," he -adds, "to pay the public debt of Great Britain in less than five years, -and greatly diminish taxation forever." - - -HOW THEY LIVE. - -In one block near the New Bowery, New York, are huddled fifteen hundred -and twenty persons. Eight hundred and twelve are Irish, two hundred and -eighteen Germans, one hundred and eighty-nine Poles, one hundred and -eighty-six Italians, thirty-nine Negroes, sixty-four French, two Welsh, -only ten American. Of these, ten hundred and sixty-two are Catholic, two -hundred and eighty-seven Jews, etc. There are twenty grog-shops and fifty -degraded women. Of six hundred and thirteen children, but one hundred and -sixty-six went to school. - -New York city consumes nine thousand six hundred dollars' worth of flour a -day (twelve hundred barrels), and uses ten thousand dollars' worth of -tobacco per day. - - -OLD AGE. - -We have mentioned some physicians who lived to an extreme old age--the -Doctors Meade; one lived to be one hundred and forty-eight years and nine -months. Thomas Parr, an English yeoman, lived to the remarkable age of -_one hundred and fifty-three years_; and even then Dr. Harvey, who held a -_post mortem_ on the body, found no internal indication of decay. One of -his descendants lived to be one hundred and twenty. The Rev. Henry Reade, -Northampton, England, reached the age of one hundred and thirty-two. - -There was a female in Lancashire, whose death was noticed in the Times, -called the "Cricket of the Hedge," who lived to be one hundred and -forty-one years, less a few days. The Countess Desmond arrived at the -remarkable age of one hundred and forty years. - -One might suppose the allotted threescore and ten years a sufficiently -long time to satisfy one to live in poverty in this world; but Henry -Jenkins lived and died at the age of _one hundred and sixty-nine years_, -in abject penury. He was a native of Yorkshire, and died in 1670. - - -WHY WE DIE. - -But few of the human race die of old age. Besides the thousand and one -diseases flesh is heir to, and the disease which Mrs. O'Flannagan said her -husband died of, viz., "Of a Saturday 'tis that poor Mike died," very many -die of disappointment. More _fret_ out. Mr. Beecher said, "It is the -fretting that wears out the machinery; friction, not the real wear." - -"Choked with passion" is no chimera; for passion often kills the -unfortunate possessor of an irritable temper, sometimes suddenly. Care and -over-anxiety sweep away thousands annually. - -Let us see how long a man should live. The horse lives twenty-five years; -the ox fifteen or twenty; the lion about twenty; the dog ten or twelve; -the rabbit eight; the guinea-pig six or seven years. These numbers all -bear a similar proportion to the time the animal takes to grow to its full -size. But man, of all animals, is the one that seldom comes up to his -average. He ought to live a hundred years, according to this physiological -law, for five times twenty are one hundred; but instead of that, he -scarcely reaches, on the average, four times his growing period; the cat -six times; and the rabbit even eight times the standard of measurement. -The reason is obvious. Man is not only the most irregular and the most -intemperate, but the most laborious and hard-worked of all animals. He is -also the most irritable of all animals; and there is reason to believe, -though we cannot tell what an animal secretly feels, that, more than any -other animal, man cherishes wrath to keep it warm, and consumes himself -with the fire of his secret reflections. - -"Age dims the lustre of the eye, and pales the roses on beauty's cheek; -while crows' feet, and furrows, and wrinkles, and lost teeth, and gray -hairs, and bald head, and tottering limbs, and limping, most sadly mar the -human form divine. But dim as the eye is, pallid and sunken as may be the -face of beauty, and frail and feeble that once strong, erect, and manly -body, the immortal soul, just fledging its wings for its home in heaven, -may look out through those faded windows as beautiful as the dewdrop of -summer's morning, as melting as the tears that glisten in affection's eye, -by growing kindly, by cultivating sympathy with all human kind, by -cherishing forbearance towards the follies and foibles of our race, and -feeding, day by day, on that love to God and man which lifts us from the -brute, and makes us akin to angels." - - -GET MARRIED. - -There's nothing like it. Get married early. The majority of men save -nothing, amount to nothing, until they are married. Don't get married _too -much_. There was a man up in court recently for being too much married. A -well-matched, temperate couple grow old, to be sure, but they "grow old -gracefully." When people venture the second and third time in the -"marriage lottery," it is fair to presume the first experience was a happy -one. Here is a case:-- - - -AN OLD PEOPLE'S WEDDING. - -"Married, in Gerry, Chautauqua County, New York, November 6, 1864, by -Elder Jonathan Wilson, aged eighty-eight, Silvanus Fisher, a widower, aged -eighty-two, to Priscilla Cowder, a widow, aged seventy-six, all of Gerry." - -What were their habits? Did they drink, smoke, or chew? Did they dissipate -in any way? Who will tell us how these aged people managed to keep up -their youthful spirits so long?. We should like to publish the recipe for -"the benefit of whom it concerns." - - -A GOOD ONE. - -A Maryland paper tells the story of a marriage under difficulties, where -first the bridegroom failed to appear at the appointed time through -bashfulness, and was discovered, pursued, and only "brought to" with a -shot gun. The bride then became indignant, and refused to marry so -faint-hearted a swain. And finally, the clergyman, who is something of a -wag, settled the matter by threatening to have them both arrested for -breach of promise unless the ceremony was immediately performed--which it -was. - -[Illustration: AN INDIGNANT BRIDE.] - - -THE HONEYMOON. - -The origin of the honeymoon is not generally known. - -The Saxons long and long ago got up the delightful occasion. Amongst the -ancient Saxons and Teutons a beverage was made of honey and water, and -sometimes flavored with mulberries. This drink was used especially at -weddings and the after festivals. These festivals were kept up among the -nobility sometimes for a month--"monath." The "hunig monath" was thus -established, and the next moon after the marriage was called the -honeymoon. - -Alaric, about the fifth century king of the Saxons and Western Goths, is -said to have actually died on his wedding night from drinking too freely -of the honeyed beverage,--at least he died before morning,--and it -certainly would seem to be a charitable inference to draw, since he -partook very deeply of the "festive drink." It was certainly a sweet -oblivion, "yet it should be a warning to posterity, as showing that even -bridegrooms may make too merry." - -Dr. Blanchet recently read a paper before the Academy of Science, Paris, -relative to some cases of "long sleep," or lethargic slumber. One of them -related to a lady twenty years of age, who took a sleeping fit during her -_honeymoon_, which lasted fifty days. - -"During this long period a false front tooth had to be taken out in order -to introduce milk and broth into her mouth. This was her only food; she -remained motionless, insensible, and all her muscles were in a state of -contraction. Her pulse was low, her breathing scarcely perceptible; there -was no evacuation, no leanness; her complexion was florid and healthy. -The other cases were exactly similar. Dr. Blanchet is of opinion that in -such cases no stimulants or forced motion ought to be employed. - -"The report did not say whether the husband was pleased or not with her -long silence." - -There is too much talk in the world about woman's "_jaw_." As for me, give -me the woman who can _talk_; the faster and more sense the better. - - -"MANY MEN, MANY MINDS." - -There are in the United States about thirty-five thousand physicians. Of -this number about five thousand are Homeopathists, and nearly thirty -thousand are what is wrongly termed Allopathists. - -Allopathic--Allopathy.--The dictionaries say this term means "the -employment of medicines in order to produce effects different from those -resulting from the disease--a term invented by Hahnemann to designate the -ordinary practice as opposed to Homeopathy." The term is not acknowledged -by physicians, only as a nick, or false one, given by the Hahnemannites to -regular practitioners. "Never allow yourself," says Professor Wood, author -of the American or U. S. Dispensatory, "to be called an Allopath. It is an -opprobrious name, given by the enemies of regular physicians." It is, -moreover, very inappropriate, for we give other remedies besides those of -counter-irritation; as, for instance, an emetic for nausea. - -The first regular physicians of Boston were Dr. John Walon, Dr. John -Cutler, and Dr. Zabdal Boylston. Some of the earlier doctors had acted in -the double capacity of minister and physician, as previously mentioned. - -Massachusetts has now twelve hundred "regular" doctors, three hundred, or -more, homeopathists, and some hundred botanics, etc. Boston has three -hundred and twenty "allopathics," about fifty homeopathists, a dozen -"eclectics," one hundred and twenty of miscellaneous, and eighty-four -female doctors. - -Surely some of them must needs "scratch for a living;" yet there is always -room for a first-class practitioner anywhere. - - -THE ITCH MITE. - -As we are speaking of "scratching" we will mention the itch mite, which we -propose to give particular--sulphur--in this chapter. - -[Illustration: THE ITCH MITE.] - -The animal which makes one love to scratch is from one sixteenth to one -seventeenth of an inch in length, and may be seen with the naked eye if -the eye is sharp enough to "see it." - -The luxury of scratching is said to greatly compensate for the filthy -disease known as the "itch." - -Dr. Ellitson says "a Scotch king--viz., James I.--is alleged to have said -that no subject deserved to have the itch--none but Royalty--on account of -the great pleasure derived from scratching." The king was said to have -spoken from experience. - -In these days of filthy horse-cars (we are speaking of New York), this -fact may be interesting to passengers. - - A HORSE-CAR RIDE. - - Never full; pack 'em in; - Move up, fat men, squeeze in, thin; - Trunks, valises, boxes, bundles, - Fill up gaps as on she tumbles. - Market baskets without number; - Owners easy nod in slumber; - Thirty seated, forty standing, - A dozen more on either landing. - Old man lifts his signal finger, - Car slacks up, but not a linger; - He's jerked aboard by sleeve or shoulder, - Shoved inside to sweat and moulder. - Toes are trod on, hats are smashed, - Dresses soiled, hoop skirts crashed, - Thieves are busy, bent on plunder; - Still we rattle on like thunder. - Packed together, unwashed bodies - Bathed in fumes of whiskey toddies; - Tobacco, garlic, cheese, and lager beer - Perfume the heated atmosphere; - Old boots, pipes, leather, and tan, - And, if in luck, a "soap-fat man;" - Ar'n't we jolly? What a blessing! - A horse-car hash, with such a dressing! - - -HOW TO KEEP COOL. - -1. _Don't fan yourself._ Those persons who are continually using a fan are -ever telling you "how awful hot it is." Look at their faces! Red hot! -Human nature is a contrary jade. The more you blow with a fan that warm -air on your face, the more blood it calls to that part, and the more blood -the more heat. So don't fan. - -2. _Don't drink ice-water._ Cold, iced water is excellent for a fever, -perhaps (_similia similibus curantur_); but if you drink it down when you -are merely warm from outward heat, you get up an internal fever, which is -increased in proportion as you take that unnatural beverage into the -stomach. I drink tea, chocolate, coffee. Some persons cannot drink the -latter. _Then don't_; but take black tea; not too strong, nor scalding -hot. If very thirsty after, take small quantities of cold (not iced) -water. Don't take ice-cream. It increases heat and thirst. Soda-water is -less objectionable. Sprinkling the carpet with water several times a day -keeps the room cooler. If there are small children or invalids, this may -be objectionable. - -3. _With the hand_ apply cool or tepid water to the entire person every -six to twenty-four hours. The electricity from the hand _equalizes_ the -circulation. Rub dry with a soft towel. A coarse scrubbing-cloth (even a -hemlock board) does nicely for a hog, but do not apply such to human -beings. It is quite unnatural. - -4. Do not sleep in any garment at night worn during the day. Have your -windows open as wide as you will, and bars to keep out flies and -mosquitos. Keep a sheet over the limbs, to exclude the hot air from the -surface. - -5. Eat fruits, and but little meats. You will find, as a general rule, all -ripe fruit healthy in its season. I have lived in the South several years, -and know whereof I affirm. - -6. And above all--_keep cool_! - - -KNICKKNACKS. - -_More Truth than Poetry._--The following conversation between a colored -prisoner and a temperance lecturer who was in search of facts to fortify -his positions and illustrate his subject, explains itself:-- - -"What brought you to prison, my colored friend?" - -"Two constables, sah." - -"Yes; but I mean, had intemperance anything to do with it?" - -"Yes, sah; dey wuz bofe uv 'em drunk, sah." - - * * * * * - -_Humble Pie._--The humble pie of former times was a pie made out of the -"umbles" or entrails of the deer; a dish of the second table, inferior, of -course, to the venison pastry which smoked upon the dais, and therefore -not inexpressive of that humiliation which the term "eating humble pie" -now painfully describes. The "umbles" of the deer are usually the -perquisites of the gamekeeper. - - * * * * * - -_Increase of Insanity._--Insanity in England is rapidly increasing. In -1861, when the population was 19,860,701, there were 36,702 lunatics, -being nineteen in every ten thousand persons. In 1871, with a population -of 22,704,108, there were 56,735 lunatics, or twenty-five out of every ten -thousand persons. Of these lunatics 6,110 were private patients. - - * * * * * - -_Error of Diagnosis._--"Doctor," said a hard-looking, brandy-faced -customer a few days ago to a physician! "Doctor, I'm troubled with an -oppression and uneasiness about the breast. What do you suppose the matter -is?" - -"All very easily accounted for," said the physician; "you have water on -the chest." - -"Water! Come, that'll do very well for a joke; but how could I get water -on my chest when I haven't touched a drop in twenty years? If you had said -brandy, you might have hit it." - - * * * * * - -_Ferocity of a Wasp._--A lady at Grantham observed a wasp tearing a common -fly to pieces on the breakfast table. When first noticed the wasp grasped -the fly firmly, and had cut off a leg and a wing, so that its rescue would -have been no kindness. The wasp was covered with a basin until it should -receive a murderer's doom; and when the basin was removed for its -execution, nothing was seen of the fly but the wings and a number of -little black pieces. - - * * * * * - -Madame Regina Dal Cin, a famous surgeon of Austria, having performed one -hundred and fifty successful operations in the city hospital at Trieste, -was rewarded by the municipal authorities with a letter of thanks and a -purse of gold. - - * * * * * - -_A Cool Student._--In the Quartier Latin, Paris, a student was lying in -bed, to which he had gone supperless, trying to devise some means to raise -the wind; suddenly, in the dead of night, his reveries were disturbed by a -"click." Stealthily raising himself in bed, he saw a burglar endeavoring -to open his desk with skeleton keys. The student burst into fits of -laughter; the frightened thief, astounded, inquired the cause of his glee. -"Why, I am laughing to see you take so much trouble to force open my desk -and pick the lock to find the money which I cannot find though I have the -key." The thief picked up his implements, politely expressed his regret -for having uselessly disturbed him, and transferred his talents and -implements to some more Californian quarter. - -[Illustration: THE BURGLAR AND STUDENT.] - - * * * * * - -_How to get rid of a Mother-in-Law._--During the recent small-pox -excitement in Indianapolis, an excited individual rushed into a telegraph -office, hurriedly wrote a despatch, and handed the same to the able and -talented clerk. The message bore the startling intelligence that the -sender's wife was down with the small-pox, and closed with the request -that his mother-in-law come "immediately." While making change, the -telegraph man said, "My friend, are you not afraid your mother-in-law will -take the small-pox?" Without vouchsafing an immediate reply to the query, -the dutiful son-in-law remarked, "Sir, are you a married man?" "No, sir, I -am not." "Then, sir, take my word for it, it's all right. Just bring the -old woman along." - - * * * * * - -_A Dying Request._--A kind physician living near Boston, wishing to smooth -the last hours of a poor woman whom he was attending, asked her if there -was anything he could do for her before she died. The poor soul, looking -up, replied, "Doctor, I have always thought I should like to have a glass -butter-dish before I died." - -[Illustration] - - - - -XXVIII. - -BLEEDERS AND BUTCHERS. - - "Three special months, September, April, May, - There are in which 'tis good to ope a vein: - In these three months the moon bears greatest sway; - Then old or young that store of blood contain. - September, April, May, have daies apiece - That bleeding do forbid, _and eating geese_." - - BLEEDING IN 1872.--EARLIEST BLOOD-LETTERS.--A ROYAL SURGEON.--A - DRAWING JOKE.--THE PRETTY COQUETTE.--TINKERS AS BLEEDERS.--WHOLESALE - BUTCHERY.--THE BARBERS OF SOUTH AMERICA.--OUR FOREFATHERS BLEED.--A - FRENCH BUTCHER.--CUR?--ABERNETHY OPPOSES BLOOD-LETTING.--THE - MISFORTUNES OF A BARBER-SURGEON (THREE SCENES FROM DOUGLAS JERROLD) - JOB PIPPINS AND THE WAGONER; JOB AND THE HIGHWAYMEN; JOB NAKED AND JOB - DRESSED. - - -When, in the year of our Lord 1872, a full half dozen educated physicians -meet around the dying bed of a _Rich_ man in this city to quarrel over -him, and in the absence of one branch of the faction, the other assume -charge of the patient, whom they _bleed_ and leave _in articulo mortis_, -it is not too late to take up the subject of venesection. - -Podalirius is supposed to have been the first man who employed -blood-letting, since whose time the lancet is said to have slain more than -the sword; and, notwithstanding the many lives that have been sacrificed -to this bloody absurdity, it is still practised by those who claim to have -all science and wisdom for its sanction. - -It is useless to bring one learned man's opinion against it, because -another's can be found equally wise to offset him: the great public has -condemned the practice. It early fell into disrepute with the more -refined, notwithstanding some kings took to bleeding as naturally as -butchers. - - -A ROYAL SURGEON. - -A gentleman who was about retiring, after having dined with a friend at -St. James's, fell down a flight of stairs, which fall completely stunned -him. On his recovery he found himself sitting on the floor, while a little -old gentleman was busily attending to his wants, washing the blood from -his head, and sticking a piece of plaster on to some variegated cuts for -which he could not account. His surprise kept him silent till the kind and -very convenient surgeon was through with the operation, when the patient -arose from the floor, limped forward with extended hand, to offer his -profound thanks, if not fees, to his benefactor, when an attendant -instantly checked him with such intimation as to further astonish the -gentleman by the knowledge that for his kind assistance he was indebted to -George II., King of England.--_Percy's Anecdotes._ - -[Illustration: ASSISTANCE FROM A ROYAL SURGEON.] - - -A DRAWING JOKE. - -Several kings and great lords are made mention of as being particularly -fond of using the lancet. Peter the Great of Russia was remarkably fond of -witnessing dissections and surgical operations. He even used to carry a -case of instruments in his pocket. He often visited the hospitals to -witness capital operations, at times assisting in person, and was able to -dissect properly, to bleed a patient, and extract a tooth as well as one -of the faculty. - -[Illustration: PETER THE GREAT AS A SURGEON.] - -The pretty wife of one of the czar's valets had the following unpleasant -experience of his skill. The husband of the "maid" accused her of -flirting, and vowed revenge. The czar noticed the valet seated in the -ante-room, looking forlorn, and asked the cause of his dejection. The -wicked valet replied that his wife had a tooth which gave her great pain, -keeping them both awake day and night, but would not have it drawn. - -"Send her to me," said the czar. - -The woman was brought, but persisted in affirming that her teeth were -sound, and never ached. The valet alleged that this was always the way she -did when the physician was called; therefore, in spite of her cries and -remonstrances, the king ordered her husband to hold her head between his -knees, when the czar drew out his instruments and instantly extracted the -tooth designated by the husband, disregarding the cries of the unfortunate -victim. - -In a few days the czar was informed that the thing was a put-up job by the -jealous husband, in order to punish, if not mar the beauty of, his gallant -wife, whereupon the instruments were again brought into requisition; and -this time the naughty valet was the sufferer, to the extent of losing a -sound and valuable tooth. - - -EVERY TINKER HAS HIS DAY. - -During a long period, and in several countries, the barbers were the only -acknowledged blood-letters. Some of them were educated to the trade of -bleeding. Dr. Meade was once lecturer to the barber-surgeons, and, if I -mistake not, Dr. Abernethy; but the majority of them were as ignorant as -the tinkers, who also went about the country bleeding the people at both -vein and pocket. - -In 1592 one Nicolas Gyer published a work entitled "The English -Phlebotomy, or Method of Healing by Letting of Blood." Its motto was, "The -horse-leech hath two daughters, which crye, '_Give, give_.'" The author -thus complains: "Phlebotomy is greatly abused by vagabond horse-leeches -and travelling tinkers, who find work in almost every village, who have, -in truth, neither knowledge, wit, or honesty; hence the sober practitioner -and cunning chirurgeon liveth basely, is despised, and counted a very -abject amongst the vulgar sort." - -Many of the abbeys of Europe and Asia had a "phlebotomaria," or -bleeding-room, connected, in which the sacred (?) inmates underwent -bleeding at certain seasons. The monks of the order of St. Victor, and -others, underwent five venesections per year; for the "Salerne Schoole," -1601, says,-- - - "To bleed doth cheare the pensive, and remove - _The raging furies fed by burning love_." - -The priests seem to have overlooked Paul's advice, for such to marry, as -it was "better to marry than to burn." If the writer could unfold the -secrets of his "prison-house,"--as doubtless is the experience of most -physicians,--he could tell of worse habits of some modern priests than -this quinarial venesection. - -"To bleed in May is still the custom with ignorant people in a few remote -districts" of England. In Marchland a woman used to bleed patients for a -few pence per arm. - -Steele tells of a bleeder of his time who advertised to bleed, at certain -hours, "all who came, for three pence a head"--he meant arm, doubtless! - -Mention is made of the Drs. Taylor (horse doctors), who drew blood from -the rabble as they would claret from a pipe. "Every Sunday morning they -bled _gratis_ all who liked a prick from their lancets. On such occasions -a hundred poor wretches could be seen seated on the long benches of the -surgery, waiting venesection. When ready, the two brothers would pass -rapidly along the lines of bared arms, one applying the white strip of -cloth above the elbow, the other following and immediately opening the -vein. The crimson stream was directed into a wooden trough that ran along -in front of the seats where the operation was performed." - -It scarcely seems possible that such wholesale butchery could have been -openly performed but a hundred years ago! Yet it is still practised, but -with a little more decency. - -In South America venesection is still performed by the barbers, who are -nearly all natives. - -"A surgeon in Ecuador would consider it an injury to his dignity to bleed -a patient; so he deputes that duty to the Indian phlebotomist, who does -the work in a most barbarous manner, with a blunt and jagged instrument, -after causing considerable pain, and even danger, to the patient. - -"These barbers and bleeders are considered to be the leaders of their -_caste_, as from their ranks are drawn the native _alcaldes_, or -magistrates; and so proud are they of their position, that they would not -exchange their badge of office (a silver-headed cane) for the cross of a -bishop. - -"The most prominent figures at the Easter celebration are the barbers, who -are almost always Indians. They dress in a kind of plaited cape, and wear -collars of a ridiculous height, and starched to an extreme degree of -stiffness. In this class are also to be found the _sangradores_, or -bleeders, who, as of old, unite the two professions." - -A curious scene is presented during each successive day of the "Holy -Week," when the effigies of the titular saints are brought out, and with -the priests, music, and banners, and the barbers to bear burning incense, -they are paraded before the superstitious, gaping, and priest-ridden -people. - - -BLEEDING OUR FOREFATHERS. - -Dr. Fuller, the first physician amongst the colonists of New England, -wrote to Governor Bradford, June, 1630, saying,-- - -"I have been to Matapan (now Dorchester), and let some twenty of those -people's blood." - -What disease demanded, in the estimation of the good and wise doctor, this -seemingly bloody visit, we are not informed. - -"The _Mercure de France_, April, 1728, and December, 1729, gives an -account of a French woman, the wife of a hussar named Gignoult, whom, -under the direction of Monsieur Theveneau, Dr. Palmery bled _three -thousand nine hundred and four times_, and that within the space of nine -months. Again the bleeding was renewed, and in the course of a few years, -from 1726 to the end of 1729, she had been bled twenty-six thousand two -hundred and thirty times." - -No wonder our informant asks, "Did this really occur? Or was the editor of -the _Mercure_ the original Baron Munchausen?" - -"Once, in the Duchy of Wurtemberg, the public executioner, after having -sent a certain number of his fellow-creatures out of this troublesome -world, was dignified by the title of 'Doctor.' Would it not be well to -reverse the thing, and make such murderous physicians as Theveneau and M. -Palmery rank as hangmen-extraordinary?" - - -A FRENCH BUTCHER-SURGEON. - -But, then, some of those French surgeons are worse than hangmen. - -Dr. Mott, when once in Paris, was invited by M. ---- to witness a private -operation, which was simply the removal of a tumor from the neck of an -elderly gentleman. - -"Dr. Mott informed me," says Dr. S. Francis, "that never in his life had -he seen anybody but a _butcher_ cut and slash as did this French surgeon. -He cut the jugular vein. Dr. Mott instantly compressed it. In a moment -more he severed it again. By this time, the patient being feeble, and -having, by these two successive accidents, lost much blood, a portion of -the tumor was cut off, the hole plugged up by lint, and the patient left." - -A week after, Dr. M. met the surgeon, and inquired after the patient. - -"O, _oui_," said the butcher, shrugging his shoulders. "Poor old fellow! -He grew pious, and suddenly died." - -And this was by one of the first surgeons of France, on the authority of -Dr. Valentine Mott. - -Cases are cited in Paget's "Surgical Pathology," of tumors being removed -by the knife from four to nine times, and returning, proving fatal, in -every instance. - - -CUR? - -Yes, "Why?" A man's strength is in his blood, Samson notwithstanding. Then -if you take away his blood, you lessen his chances of recovery, because -you have lessened his strength. - -"_Cum sanguinem detrahere oportet, deliberatione indiget_," said Aretaeus, -a Greek physician of the first century. ("When bleeding is required, there -is need of deliberation.") - -"_Cur?_" (why) was a favorite inquiry of Dr. Abernethy's. - -"We recollect a surgeon being called to a gentleman who was taken suddenly -ill. The medical attendant, being present, asked the surgeon,-- - -"'Shall I bleed him at once, sir?' - -"'_Why_ should you desire to bleed him?' - -"'O, exactly. You prefer cupping?' - -"'Why should he be cupped?' - -"'Then shall I apply some leeches?' - -"This, too, was declined. In short, it never seemed to have occurred to -the physician that neither might be necessary; still less that either -might therefore prove mischievous." - - -THE MISFORTUNES OF A BARBER-BLEEDER. - -Three Scenes from a Story by Douglas Jerrold--rewritten. - -_Scene 1._--Job Pippins, a handsome Barber, is discharged from Sir Scipio -Manikin's, for kissing that gentleman's young and pretty wife. He meets a -Scotch wagoner. - -[Illustration: JOB DISCHARGED BY SIR SCIPIO.] - -"I say, I ha' got a dead mun in the wagon." - -"A dead man?" cried Job. - -"Ay; picked him up i' the muddle o' the road. The bay cob wor standin' -loike a lamb beside um. I shall take um to the 'Barley Mow' yonder." (An -inn.) - -[Illustration: "BLEED HIM."] - -"But stop, for God's sake," exclaimed Job, jumping upon the wagon. -Instantly he recognized the features of Sir Scipio. Struck by apoplexy, he -had fallen from his horse. Instantly Job tore off Sir Scipio's coat, -rolled up his sleeves, bound the arm, and produced a razor. - -"Ha! what wilt ye do, mun?" cried the wagoner, seeing the razor. - -"Bleed him," replied Job, with exquisite composure; "I fear his heart is -stopped." - -"Loikely. I do think it be Grinders, the lawyer. Cut um deep, deep;" and -the fellow opened wide his eyes to see if the lawyer had red blood or -Japan ink in his veins. "Cut um deep; though if it be old Grinders, by -what I hear, it be a shame to disturb him, ony way," said the wagoner. - -"Grinders! Pshaw! It's Sir Scipio Manikin." - -"Wounds!" roared the scared wagoner. "No, man, no! Don't meddle wi' such -gentry folks in my wagon." So saying, he sought to stay the hand of the -bleeder at the moment he was applying the sharp blade of the razor to the -bared arm, but only succeeded in driving the instrument deep into the -limb. Job turned pale. The wagoner groaned and trembled. - -"We shall be hanged for this job--hanged, hanged!" - -"Providentially," as the knight afterwards affirmed, the landlord of the -"Barley Mow," in chastising his wife, had broken his leg, and had called -in Dr. Saffron, who, now returning, came upon the wagon containing the -bulky body of Sir Scipio, mangled and bleeding. - -The apoplectic squire began to return to dim consciousness, and beholding -Job, with a razor between his teeth, standing over him, timing his pulse, -he gave an involuntary shudder, particularly as he now recalled the late -scene, which had terminated in his kicking Job penniless into the highway. - -Dr. Saffron took the wounded arm, looked at Job, and said,-- - -"Is this your doings?" - -Job looked, "Yes," but spoke not. - -"Bleeding!" repeated the doctor, fiercely; "I call it capital carving." -Then turning to the wagoner, he said, "And you found Sir Scipio lying in -the road?" - -"Ay, sir; rolled up like a hedge pig," replied the wagoner. - -Job wiped his razor, and slipped silently away. - - * * * * * - -_Scene 2._--Job, half starved and half dead from the fatigues of his long -walk, finds his way into an old woman's hut, which unfortunately is the -rendezvous of three highwaymen. - -"Moll, the stool," said one of the men. - -The stool ordered was thrown towards Job, who sank resignedly upon it. - -"What's o'clock?" asked Bats, one of the robbers. - -[Illustration: A BORROWED WATCH.] - -Job leaped from the stool in amazement, clapped his hand to his waistcoat -pocket, and drew forth a splendid gold watch, the late property of Sir -Scipio. Job had merely borrowed it to time the pulse of the apoplectic -knight, and forgot to return it. The eyes of the highwayman were fixed -leeringly upon the chronometer. They gave no heed to the embarrassment of -the possessor. - -"I say, friend, time must be worth something to you to score it by such a -watch." - -"It isn't mine," cried Job, the perspiration starting from every pore of -his body. - -"Ha, ha, ha!" laughed the three at this unnecessary information. - -"A mistake; I got it in the oddest way." - -"Ha, ha, ha!" again roared his hearers in chorus. - -"O Lord! I shall be hanged for this," cried Job. - -"In course you will," said Mortlake, comfortingly. - -Job now hastily felt in his other pockets to see if he unwittingly -possessed any other property not his own, when he pulled out a large -handkerchief well saturated with Sir Scipio's blood. - -Mortlake gave an expressive cluck. Bats uttered a low, accusing whistle. - -"What! he was game--was he? Well, it is all over now; tell us how it -happened, and what you did with the body," said the third. - -In vain Job persisted in the truth. He was only laughed at.... - -"Moll, the gin." Such a gamy highwayman as Job presented evidence of being -deserves to be treated! Let us see in the next scene _how_ he was treated. - - * * * * * - -_Scene 3._--Job was drank dead drunk. Stripped of not only Sir Manikin's -watch and chain, but of everything save one brief garment, and under cover -of night deposited in an adjoining meadow. - -"Job Pippins slept." - -"Job Pippins awoke." - -An insect ticked its little note in Job's ear. - -"The watch!" cried the bewildered Job, springing to his feet and gaspingly -applying his hands to his flesh. - -Who can depict his utter amazement when he had become convinced of his own -identity, and found himself standing out in the broad world, reduced to -the brief wardrobe, which is summed up in the one single word--"SHIRT"? - -Hatless, shoeless, hoseless, he stood upon the grass, the bold zephyrs -playing with his garment--a bloody, tattered flag of terrible distress. -Job looked timidly about. He resolved, and he re-resolved. Should he turn -back to the house from whence he had been so ruthlessly ejected? Should he -hide behind the hedge and solicit the help of some male passer? Who would -put faith in a man with no recommendation, and possessing such a small -wardrobe? O, indecision! how many better men have gone to ruin because of -thee! - -[Illustration: JOB'S DECISION.] - -Decision came to Job's help--at least help out of that field. At this very -moment of need for some one to help him decide what course to pursue, a -ferocious bull, feeding in the next meadow, annoyed or scandalized by the -appearance of Job, scaled the low fence, and with one bellow, ran full -tilt after Job, who hesitated no longer, but leaped the rail fence just as -the animal made a lunge at him. Job reached the highway in safety of -person, though the bull retreated with a full square yard of the false -flag of truce upon his horns. - -Job's destitution seemed perfect without this last affliction. The sound -of carriage wheels startled him, but to where should he flee? He was at -the zero of his fortunes. He was naked, hungry, penniless. Where should he -find one friend. - -"Ah! the river!" That would hide him forever from the uncharitable -world!... - -Job crawled across the field, and was already near the stream. - -What! Had some pitying angel, softened by Job's utter destitution and -despair, alighted amongst the bushes! Or was it a temptation of the devil? - -Reader, "put yourself in"--No! But imagine Job reduced to the moiety of a -shirt, about to take the fatal plunge, when lo! he discovers just before -him, lying,--a golden waif,--a very handsome suit of clothes,--hat, -breeches, hose, shoes, gloves, cane, cravat! and no visible second person -near. - -Job's perplexity was brief. He seated himself on the grass. He changed his -equivocal shirt for the ample piece of ruffled "aired-snow" in the -twinkling of an eye; donned the stockings and breeches,--"just a -fit,"--waistcoat, and coat, seized the hat, gloves, cravat, and cane, and -in three minutes he was back on the main road. The swimmer must have been -just Job's size, so admirably did the whole wardrobe fit and become him. - -Again Job passed the five-barred gate, where stood the bull, with glaring -eyes, waving in vain the flag of truce upon his horns. - -Job journeyed onward, waving his cane, and smiling in supreme contempt at -the bit of rag which so recently proclaimed his crime and wretchedness. He -put his hand into _his_ pocket, and pulled out a _purse_! It contained -eight guineas! This was too much. Job fell upon his knees in the -highway, overcome with gratitude, and holding up the purse in his left -hand, placing the other over his stomach, he "blessed his lucky stars" for -his propitious change of fortunes. - -Here we bid adieu to the barber-bleeders. Those who wish to know how the -swimmer came out, must consult "Men of Character," by Jerrold. - - -THE USE OF BRAINS. - -Mr. G. H. Lewes tells a story of a gentleman who, under the scissors, said -something about his thinning locks being caused by the development of his -brains. "Excuse me, sir," remarked the barber, "but you are laboring under -a mistake. The brains permeate the skull, and encourage the growth of the -hair--_that's what they're for, sir_." - -[Illustration] - - - - -XXIX. - -THE OMNIUM GATHERUM. - - EX-SELL-SIR!--"THE OBJECT TO BE ATTAINED."--A NOTORIOUS FEMALE - DOCTOR.--A WHITE BLACK MAN.--SQUASHY.--MOTHER'S FOOL.--WHO IT - WAS.--THE PHILOSOPHER AND HIS DAUGHTER.--EDUCATION AND - GIBBERISH.--SCOTTISH HOSPITALITY.--THE OLD LADY WITH AN ANIMAL IN HER - STOMACH.--STORIES ABOUT LITTLE FOLKS.--THE BOY WITH A BULLET IN - HIM.--CASE OF SMALL-POX.--NOT MUCH TO LOOK AT.--FUNERAL ANTHEMS. - - -EX-SELL-SIR. - - The morning sun was shining bright, - As lone upon old Georgetown's height, - A Bliss-ful doctor, clad in brown, - Desiring wealth and great renown, - Displayed aloft to wondering eyes - A shrub which bore this strange device, - Cundurango! - - A maiden fair, with pallid cheek, - With ardent haste his aid did seek - To stay the progress and the pain - Of carcinoma of the brain; - While still aloft the shrub he bore, - The answer came, with windy roar, - To Cundurango! - - A matron old, with long unrest - From carcinoma of the breast, - This Bliss-ful doctor rushed to see, - And begged his aid on bended knee. - The magic shrub waved still on high, - And rushed through air the well-known cry, - Try Cundurango! - - The evening sun went down in red-- - The maid and matron both were dead; - And yet, through all the realms around, - This worthless shrub, of mighty sound, - Will serve to fill the purse forlorn, - And the cancer succumb "in a horn" - To Cundurango. - - -THE OBJECT TO BE ATTAINED. - -A doctor was called in to see a patient whose native land was Ireland, and -whose native drink was whiskey. Water was prescribed as the only cure. Pat -said it was out of the question; he could never drink it. Then milk was -proposed, and Pat agreed to get well on milk. The doctor was soon summoned -again. Near the bed on which the sick man lay was a table, and on the -table a large bowl, and in the bowl was milk, but strongly flavored with -whiskey. - -"What have you here?" said the doctor. - -"Milk, doctor; just what you orthered." - -"But there's whiskey in it; I smell it." - -"Well, doctor," sighed the patient, "there may be whiskey in it, but milk -is my object." - - -THE LAUGH WINS. - -An old lady reduced in circumstances applied to a physician to know if she -might conscientiously sell some quack pills. The physician rather -recommended that she should sell some pills made of bread, observing that, -if they did no good, they would certainly do no harm. The old lady -commenced business, and performed many cures with her pills, till at -last she had great confidence in them. At length the physician, whom she -called her benefactor, became ill by a bone sticking in his throat, which -he could not pass up or down. In this situation the old lady visited him, -and recommended her pills in his own language. The physician, upon this -expression, burst out laughing, and in the act of laughing brought up the -bone. - - -A NOTORIOUS FEMALE DOCTOR. - - WASHINGTON, January 10, 1872. - -From an account of the "Women's National Suffrage Association," reported -to the Press, I cut the following description of a noted female doctress -who dresses in a garb as near to a man's as the cramped laws of the land -will admit. - - "Ten minutes after the opening ... a curly, crinkly feminine, in very - large walking boots, came to the front, being followed, after a brief - pause, by the rest of the sisters. This lady was new, even to the - reporters, and one of them, handing up a pencilled inquiry to Mrs. Dr. - Walker, was informed that she was 'Mrs. Ricker, a beautiful, charming, - and good widow, fair, forty, and rich.' This bit of interesting news - started on its travels. - - * * * * * - - "The doctor, who has the usual manly proclivity for hugging the girls, - threw her arms around a pretty and modest-looking girl standing by, - and enthusiastically shouted, "You are a dear, sweet little creature." - The frightened young woman drew hastily back, and faltered out that - she was not in the habit of being hugged by men. This turned the laugh - on the doctor; but she gained her lost ground by quickly replying to - the inquiry of the secretary as to what place he should put her down - from as a delegate, to put her down "from all the world;" but he - objected, anxious for the completeness of his roster. - - "You must have a local habitation, you know." - - "Put me down from Washington, then, for that is the home of everybody - who has none other." - - Unmindful of the eloquent protest of her coat and pantaloons against - feminine distinctions, he wrote her down as "Mrs. Mary Walker;" but - seizing the pencil from his fingers, she spitefully erased the "Mrs." - and wrote "Doctor." - - "I never was Mrs.; I never will be." - - -A WHITE MAN TURNING BLACK. - -The San Francisco Examiner says a gentleman of that city, about -twenty-five years of age, ruddy complexion, curly red hair, who had an -intractable and painful ulcer on the left arm, resisting all previous -modes of treatment, yielded to the request of trying the effect of -transplanting a piece of skin to the ulcer from another person. The ulcer -was prepared in the usual manner by his physician, and a bit of skin, -about an inch square, was taken from the arm of a fine healthy negro man -and immediately spread over the ugly ulcer, and then carefully dressed and -bandaged. The skin transplantation had the desired effect. Healthy -granulation sprang up, and the unsightly ulcer soon healed. A few months -afterwards he went to his physician and told him that ever since the sore -healed the black skin commenced to spread, and it was increasing. About -one third of his arm was completely negroed. The doctor himself was -alarmed. The high probability is, that the whole skin of this white man -will become negro. - - * * * * * - -An officer had a wooden leg so exceedingly well made that it could -scarcely be distinguished from a real one. A cannon ball carried it off. A -soldier who saw him fall called out, "Quick, run for the surgeon." "No," -replied the officer, coolly; "it is the joiner I want." - - -"SQUASHY." - -Squashy was a contraband. He came from North Carolina. He was looking -about Washington for "a new masser," when Dr. ----, of ---- regiment C. -V., took him for a body servant. - -[Illustration: SQUASHY'S SURGICAL OPERATION ON THE DOCTOR.] - -The doctor was out on horseback at parade that very day, and the most that -Squashy had as yet learned of his master was, that he was handsome. - -"Dat's him! Dar's my new masser! see um! see um! ridin' on hoss-back, -dar!" exclaimed the contraband to a host of other negroes watching the -parade. - -That night, when the doctor returned to his quarters, Squashy came to -assist in removing some of the superfluous and dirt-covered garments of -his new master, amongst which were his heavy and mud-splashed boots. - -The doctor was a joker. "Now, what's your name, boy?" - -"Squashy, sar; dat's what dey called me, sar," replied the contraband, -showing a gorgeous row of ivories, and the whites of two great, globular -eyes. - -"Well, Squashy,--that's a very appropriate name,--just pull off these -boots. Left one first. There--pull! hard! harder!--There she comes! Now -the other; now pull; it always comes the hardest; pull -strong--stronger--now it's coming--O, murder! you've pulled my whole leg -out!" - -Sure enough, the boot, leg and all, came off at the thigh, and slap! -crash! bang! over backwards, over a camp-stool, on to the floor, went -Squashy, with the boot and wooden leg of the doctor grasped tightly in his -brawny hands. - -"O, de Lord!" cried Squashy, rising. "I didn't go for to do it! O, Lord, -see um bleed!" he continued, as in the uncertain light he saw a bit of red -flannel round the stump; and, dropping the leg, he turned, and with a look -of the utmost terror depicted on his countenance, he fled from the -apartment. - -On the following day the doctor made diligent inquiry for Squashy; but he -never was found, and probably to this day thinks he pulled out the leg of -his "new and hansum masser." - - * * * * * - -We do not know who wrote the following which is too good to be lost; hence -we give it anonymously. - - MOTHER'S FOOL. - - "'Tis plain enough to see," said a farmer's wife, - "These boys will make their marks in life; - They never were made to handle a hoe, - And at once to college ought to go. - There's Fred, he's little better than a fool, - But John and Henry must go to school." - - "Well, really, wife," quoth farmer Brown, - As he set his mug of cider down, - "Fred does more work in a day for me - Than both his brothers do in three. - Book larnin' will never plant one's corn, - Nor hoe potatoes, sure's you're born, - Nor mend a rod of broken fence: - For my part, give me common sense." - - But his wife was bound the roost to rule, - And John and Henry were sent to school, - While Fred, of course, was left behind, - Because his mother said he had no mind. - - Five years at school the students spent, - Then into business each one went. - John learned to play the flute and fiddle, - And parted his hair, of course, in the middle, - While his brother looked rather higher than he, - And hung out a sign, "H. Brown, M. D." - - Meanwhile, at home, their brother Fred - Had taken a notion into his head; - But he quietly trimmed his apple trees, - Milked the cows and hived the bees; - While somehow, either by hook or crook, - He managed to read full many a book, - Until at last his father said - He was getting "book larnin'" into his head; - "But for all that," added farmer Brown, - "He's the smartest boy there is in town." - - The war broke out, and Captain Fred - A hundred men to battle led, - And, when the rebel flag came down, - Went marching home as General Brown. - But he went to work on the farm again, - And planted corn and sowed his grain; - He shingled the barn and mended the fence, - Till people declared he had common sense. - - Now common sense was very rare, - And the State House needed a portion there; - So the "family dunce" moved into town, - The people called him Governor Brown; - And his brothers, who went to the city school, - Came home to live with "mother's fool." - - -WHO IT WAS. - -There is an anecdote told of Dr. Emmons, one of the most able of New -England divines, meeting a Pantheistical physician at the house of a sick -parishioner. It was no place for a dispute. It was no place for any -unbecoming familiarity with the minister. It was no place for a physician -to inquire into the age of the minister, especially with any intent of -entangling him in a debate; and, above all, where the querist was too -visionary for any logical discussion. But the abrupt question of the -Pantheist was, "Mr. Emmons, how old are you?" - -"Sixty, sir; and how old are you?" came the quick reply. - -"As old as creation, sir," was the triumphant response. - -"Then you are of the same age with Adam and Eve." - -"Certainly; I was in the garden when they were." - -"I have always heard that there was a third party in the garden with them, -but I never knew before that it was you." - - -A HEAVY DOCTOR. - -Dr. Stone, of Savannah, walked into the river at Savannah, and, like other -stones, was about to sink, when he was romantically rescued by a brave -lady. - - -SCOTTISH HOSPITALITY. - -The Scotch people--even the females--are great smokers, and female -tobacco-users are not considered the embodiment of neatness. - -[Illustration: "WILL YE TAK' A BLAST NOO?"] - -The Countess of A., with a laudable desire to promote tidiness in the -various cottages on her estate, used to visit them periodically, and -exhort the inmates to cleanliness. One cottage was always found especially -untidy; and getting, perhaps, the least out of patience, the countess took -up a brush-broom, and having by its dexterous use made the room much -improved, she turned to the housewife, who, with pipe between her lips, -had been sitting on a stool, with body bent forward, her elbows on her -knees, and her chin resting in the palms of her hands, watching the -proceeding. The Countess said,-- - -"There, my good woman, is it not much better?" - -"Ay, my leddy," said the woman, nodding her head, and rising, she stepped -towards the countess, drew the pipe from her mouth, and wiping it with her -brawny palm, presented it, saying,-- - -"An' will ye tak' a blast noo, my leddy?" - - -ANIMALS IN THE STOMACH. - -Most physicians scout the idea of terrestrial animals or reptiles living -in one's stomach. The wife of Captain Hodgden, of Mount Desert, presented -the writer with a singular looking reptile some three inches in length, -looking not unlike an earwig, excepting having two horns on its head, -which animal she said crawled from her mouth the night previous. She -declared for years that there was a live animal in her stomach, and -attributed its dislodgment to the use of some bitters (Chelone glabra). - -A nice old lady called at our office one day, some years ago, during my -absence, and informed Dr. Colley, who was attending my patients -temporarily, that she had a live animal in her stomach. The doctor tells -the story as follows:-- - -"'Now don't you laugh at me, doctor, 'cause all the doctors do, and I -know it ain't no whim nor notion I've got in my _head_, but a real live -animal I've got into my stomach,' she said. - -"I looked at the good old lady, and could not find it in my heart to tell -her she was laboring under a delusion, therefore I replied, very -sympathetically,-- - -[Illustration: REPTILES FROM THE STOMACH.] - -"'O, no doubt you are right, and all the doctors have been wrong. Why, -just sit quiet a moment, and I will show you a whole bottle full that the -doctor has from time to time taken from the stomachs of patients.' So -saying, I went into the laboratory, and got down a bottle of centipedes, -lizards, and a big, black, southern horn-bug, which the doctor's brother -had collected in the South, and, dusting off the bottle, took it to the -old lady, who sat comfortably in a rocking-chair, taking snuff, and -nervously humming a little pennyroyal tune. - -"'There, madam--there is a host of various kinds of reptiles, which the -doctor has compelled to abandon the living stomach.' - -"'Du tell,' she exclaimed, readjusting her glasses, 'if them all come out -of folks' stomachs! Let me take the bottle.' - -"'I suppose they really did, marm.' - -"'And the big black one; who did that come out of?' she asked, turning the -bottle around to get a view of the ugly monster--horns two inches long! - -"'O, let me see. That came out of a colored man--awful appetite, madam.' - -"'Du tell! Well, I'm much obleeged to you for showing them to me. Now I'll -go right home, and pitch into them doctors. I knowed they're all wrong.' -And so saying, the old lady arose, buzzed round and round like a bee in a -bottle, got her reticule, and started for the door. - -"'O, I forgot,' she exclaimed, coming back. 'Give me some of the medicine -to get this animal out of my system, doctor.' - -"I gave her a quantity of gentian, told her to use no snuff for two -months, and she would have no further trouble with the animal; that she -must not expect to see him, as they seldom came away whole, like those in -the bottle. She promised, with a sigh, and a sorry look at the snuff-box, -and went away. I have no doubt _but I did the best thing possible for her -case_." - - -STORIES ABOUT LITTLE FOLKS. - -As ludicrous as the above may seem, it is true; but we cannot vouch for -the truth of the following story:-- - - * * * * * - -_The Boy with a Bullet in him._--A lad swallowed a small bullet. His -friends were very much alarmed about it; and his father thinking no -pains should be spared to save his darling boy's life, sent post haste to -a surgeon of skill, directing the messenger to tell the circumstances and -urge his coming without delay. The doctor was found, heard the dismal -tale, and with as much unconcern as he would manifest in a case of common -headache, wrote the following laconic reply:-- - - SIR: Don't alarm yourself. If after three weeks the bullet is not - removed, give the boy a charge of powder. - - Yours, &c., ---- - - P. S. _Do not aim the boy at anybody._--M. D. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "IT ISN'T CATCHIN'."] - -_Case of Small-pox._--A lady school teacher in Omaha, having an inordinate -dread of the small-pox, sent home a little girl because she said her -mother was sick and had marks on her face. The next day the girl -presented herself at the school-house, with her finger in her mouth, and -her little bonnet swinging by the strings, and said to the teacher,-- - -"Miss ----, we've got a baby at our house; but mother told me to tell you -that 'it isn't catchin'.'" - - * * * * * - -"_Not much to look at._"--The late eminent Dr. Wallaston was introduced, -at an evening party, to a rather pert young lady. - -"O, doctor," she said, "I am delighted to meet you; I have so long wished -to see you." - -"Well," said the man of science, "and pray what do you think of me now you -have seen me?" - -"You may be very clever," was the answer, "_but you are nothing to look -at_." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: FUNERAL OF THE CANARY.] - -_Funeral Anthems._--Reading in a western paper that at funerals out in -Terre Haute they closed the solemn ceremony by singing very impressively -"_The Ham-fat Man_," reminds me of the following, which actually occurred -at Portsmouth, N. H., last year:-- - -Three little girls, who had carefully and tenderly buried a pet -canary-bird in the garden, were seen holding a consultation, which -terminated by sending one of the trio into the house, with the inquiry, -"Do they sing at funerals?" Being answered in the affirmative, the little -messenger ran back, and in a few moments the three were observed standing, -hand in hand, around the little mound gravely singing,-- - - "_Shoo, fly! don't bodder me._" - -[Illustration] - - - - -XXX. - -THE OTHER SIDE. - - It's a very good rule in all things of life, - When judging a friend or brother, - Not to look at the question alone on one side, - But always to turn to the other. - We are apt to be selfish in all our views, - In the jostling, headlong race, - And so, to be right, ere you censure a man, - Just "put yourself in his place."--ANON. - - PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE.--STEALING FROM THE PROFESSION.--ANECDOTE OF - RUFUS CHOATE.--INGRATES.--A NIGHT ROW.--"SAVING AT THE SPIGOT AND - WASTING AT THE BUNG."--SHOPPING PATIENTS.--AN AFFECTIONATE WIFE.--RUM - AND TOBACCO PATIENTS.--THE PHYSICIAN'S WIDOW AND ORPHANS, THE SUMMONS, - THE TENEMENT, THE INVALIDS, HOW THEY LIVED, HER HISTORY, THE UNNATURAL - FATHER, HOW THEY DIED, THE END.--A PETER-FUNK DOCTOR.--SELLING OUT. - - -While I trust that respectable, educated physicians will take no offence -at the _expose_ in the foregoing chapters, as nothing therein is -_intended_ to lessen them in public opinion, or detract from the merit of -the TRUE PHYSICIAN of any school, I cannot leave the subject without -presenting some facts to show that the people are not blameless in -creating and maintaining so many humbugs and impositions, to the damage -and scandal of respectable practitioners and legitimate medicine. - - -STEALING FROM THE PROFESSION. - -I need not tell men of any profession, that there are those, even in the -respectable walks of life, who will watch their opportunity to button-hole -the lawyer or the doctor, in the public streets, to "just ask him a -question," rather than call at his office, where a fee would certainly be -a just compensation for the expected advice. - -One of these highway robbers once overtook Mr. Choate, the great Boston -lawyer, on a public street, and asked him if he should sue Mr. Jones, so -and so, briefly stating his case, if he, the lawyer, thought he, Smith, -would win the suit. - -"O, yes," replied the great lawyer; and Smith went on his way rejoicing. - -The case went to trial, Smith _vs._ Jones. Smith employed a cheap -pettifogger. Jones employed Mr. Choate to defend him, and gained the suit. - -"Didn't you tell me I had a good case?" demanded the irascible plaintiff -of Mr. Choate, when he found that the case had gone against him. - -"Well, I think you did say something to me about it," replied Mr. Choate, -very indifferently. - -"Yes, and didn't you advise me to sue him?" cried the infuriated Smith. - -"Let me see, Mr. Smith: how much did you pay me for that advice?" - -"Nothing, sir! nothing!" roared Smith. - -"Well, that was all it was worth," remarked Mr. Choate, quietly. - -Another of these free advice fellows detained the author at the -post-office last week, and very patronizingly asked,-- - -"What would you take for a code id de ed, docdor?" - -"Take? take two pocket handkerchiefs," was the cheap prescription for a -cheap patient. - - -INGRATES. - - "What, then! doth Charity fail? - Is Faith of no avail? - Is Hope blown out like a light - By a gust of wind in the night? - The clashing of creeds, and the strife - Of the many beliefs, that in vain - Perplex man's heart and brain, - Are nought but the rustle of leaves, - When the breath of God upheaves - The boughs of the Tree of Life, - And they subside again! - And I remember still - The words, and from whom they came, - Not he that repeateth the name, - But he that doeth the will!" - -"Of all men, the physician is most likely to discover the leading traits -of character in his fellow-beings; on no other condition than that of -sickness do they present themselves without those guards upon the -countenance and tongue that an artificial mode of life has rendered almost -indispensable to their existence; in city life, more especially." - -"The confiding patient often hangs, as it were, with an oppressive weight -upon the conscientious physician, and if he be afflicted with a generous, -sympathizing soul, farewell to his happiness. His heart will bleed for -distress, both bodily and pecuniary, that he cannot alleviate, and he -gives up in despair a profession which will so severely tax his nervous -system as to render the best medical talent comparatively useless.... - -"Those who speak of the gratitude of the low Catholic Irish in this (New -York) city, or any other city, as they present their true characters to -the young practitioner, will find but one opinion,--a more improvident, -heartless, and dishonest class of people never defiled the fair face of -the earth. They are indeed a bitter curse to the young and humane -physician." - -And this from the pen of one of the most noble and humane physicians of -the great metropolis, whose generosity forbids him ever to refuse a visit, -day or night, to the distressed, even amongst the lowest of the class he -so bitterly condemns. The above is the experience of other physicians -besides Dr. Dixon, and in other cities besides New York. - -During my days of extreme poverty in H., an Irish woman, whose child, -suffering with cholera infantum, I snatched from the very jaws of death, -cheated me out of my fees, when I afterwards learned that she owned two -tenements, and had money in the Savings Bank. - -While I was practising in H., one cold winter's night, an Irishman came -for me to go to Front Street, as a man had fallen down stairs, and was -"kilt intirely." - -"Then it is Mr. Roberts, the undertaker, whom you want," I replied. - -"O, no, he isn't kilt intirely, but broke his arrum, doctor." - -Therefore I drew on my boots, took my hat and case, and was soon at the -designated number. A drunken row, as usual. It was near midnight, Saturday -night. A big, burly fellow lay on the bed in a large front room, -surrounded by a dozen men and women, nearly all drunk, except the patient. -His arm was dislocated at the shoulder downward. I drew off my coat, -jumped upon the bed, set the man up, raised the limb, clapped my knee -under the limb, raised the arm, and using it for a lever, the bone snapped -into the socket as quickly as I am telling the story. - -"Ah, that gives me aise; ah, God bless you, docther. How mooch is the -damage? Get the wallet, woman, and let me pay the good docther," said the -grateful patient. "How mooch? Say it asy, noo." - -"Two dollars." A very modest fee for such a job at midnight. - -"O, the divil!" cried the woman. "And is it two dollars for the snap of a -job likes to that, noo, ye'll be axin' a poor man?" - -I made no reply. The man asked for the money. - -"Will yeze be axin' that much?" asked a six and a half foot Irishman who -stood by the opposite side of the bed. - -"Do you have to pay the bill, sir?" I demanded. - -"Noo," he replied. - -"Then mind your own business," I exclaimed, with a clincher, and a flash -of the eyes that somehow caused him to cower like the miserable drunken -coward he was, amid the laughs and jeers of the bystanders. - -[Illustration: MY FRONT STREET PATIENT.] - -"There, take the money," said the woman (boarding mistress). "Dr. B. would -come ferninst the railroad over for half of it, he would," she added. - -"Woman," said I, "when next any of your kind want a doctor, do you go -ferninst the railroad for Dr. B." (I knew she lied), "and get him for a -dollar. As for me, _I never, for love or money, will come to your call -again_." - -I never heard of money enough to induce me to visit Front or Charles -Street after that night, and I have seen some anxious faces looking about -for a doctor, in case of emergency, in that locality. - - -"SAVING AT THE SPIGOT, AND WASTING AT THE BUNG." - -Again, there is a class in every city who, to avoid a physician's fee, go -to an apothecary, briefly and imperfectly state their case, perhaps to a -green clerk, or a proprietor who is as ignorant of the pathology of the -disease as the miserable applicant; and who ever knew of a druggist too -ignorant to prescribe for a case over the counter? The result is often the -administration of harsh remedies, which aggravate the present, or produce -some other disease worse than the original, and in the end the patient is -obliged to seek the advice of a physician. - -Now the patient is ashamed to tell the whole truth, the doctor has yet to -learn what drugs are rankling in the system, and the disease is often -protracted thereby ten times as long as it need have been, had the man at -the outset sought the advice of a respectable physician. This is an -every-day occurrence. I knew a young man who recently went into -consumption from having a comparatively simple case prolonged by this -apotheco-medical interference. - - -SHOPPING PATIENTS. - -"A queer kind of patients!" you exclaim. - -Yes, very queer. One class of them go round from office to office, to -"just inquire about a friend" (themselves), "if they could be cured," how -long it would require, and, ten to one, even ask what medicines "you would -give for such a case." - -Such persons, if females, usually come into the city for the double -purpose of seeing a doctor, or a dozen, and shopping,--doing the shopping -first; tramping from one end of the city to the other, visiting the doctor -last, with bundles and boxes by the score, "in a great hurry; must catch -a certain train; all tired out;" making the opportunity for diagnosis an -unfavorable one, and not unusually asking the doctor--a stranger, -perhaps--to trust them till they come again. - -[Illustration: A SHOPPING PATIENT.] - -Whoever "O. SHAW" may be, he knows a thing or two. Hear him. - - -AN AFFECTIONATE WIFE. - -A poor mechanic, three weeks after marriage, was addressed by his wife -thus:-- - -"Harry, don't you think a new silk dress would become my beauty?" - -He answered affirmatively, of course, and promised that when his present -job was completed, which would be in about a fortnight, the necessary -stamps would be forthcoming, and that she might then array her loveliness -in the wished-for dress. The affectionate wife kissed him, and thus -rewarded his generosity. Three days afterwards the man met with an -accident, and was brought home on a shutter, and it was evident that for -weeks he would be confined to his bed. On beholding him, his wife gave -vent to repeated outbursts of agony, as an affectionate woman should, -considering the cause. This touched the unfortunate man, and he said, -consolingly,-- - -"Dry your tears, dear Nettie; I'll be all right again in a few weeks." - -"Perhaps you may," she answered; "but all your earnings for a long time -after you resume work will be required to pay your doctor's bill, and you -won't be able to get me _that new silk dress_."--O. SHAW. - - -A SENSIBLE PRESCRIPTION. - -A doctor up town recently gave the following prescription for a lady: "A -new bonnet, a cashmere shawl, and a new pair of gaiter boots." The lady, -it is needless to say, has entirely recovered. - - -RUM AND TOBACCO PATIENTS. - -Then there is a large class,--men, mostly; males, at least,--who, having -spent all their substance and much of their health in excess of -tobacco-using and whiskey-drinking, apply to the physician for aid, "in -charity, for God's sake," as they have nothing with which to pay him, and -usually a numerous family dependent upon their miserable labor for -sustenance. Woe to the physician who gets a reputation for benevolence at -this day and generation of "cheek." - -"Doctor, I hope you _will_ do something for my distress," said a -gentlemanly-dressed individual, not many months ago. "I have but sixteen -cents in my pocket, and I owe for four weeks' board, and am out of -employment." He was a play actor. Could I say no to so honest a statement -of his low state of finance? I treated him faithfully, without a penny. - -Not many weeks afterwards I knew of his going away and stopping two days -at a hotel with a strange woman. - -Still there are others who are quite able, but who think it no sin to -cheat a doctor by misrepresenting their inability to pay. They work upon -the sympathies of the benevolent doctor; they "would willingly pay a -hundred dollars, if they had it," etc.; and thus slip off without -compensating him for his services. Every physician knows that I have not -overstated the above. - -There is also a large class of patients, with whom, like the "old clo' -Jew," wisdom, brain work, advice, go for nothing. You must represent their -case as perfectly fearful, and do something perfectly awful for them, or -you are of no account. - -Selden, who understood these failings in mankind vastly well, gives them a -sly hit in his "Table Talk." If a man had a sore leg, and he should go to -an honest, judicious surgeon, and he should only bid him keep it warm, and -anoint it with such an oil (an oil well known), that would do the cure, -haply he would not much regard him, because he knows the medicine to be an -ordinary one. But if he should go to a surgeon that should tell him, "Your -leg will gangrene within three days, and it must be cut off; and you will -die unless you do something that I could tell you," what listening there -would be to this man! - -"O, for the Lord's sake, tell me what this is; I will give you any content -for your pains." - - -THE PHYSICIAN'S WIDOW AND ORPHAN. - -Scenes from "Practice of a New York Surgeon." - -I have abridged the following truthful story from the above work, which -book I recommend to the perusal of all lovers of moral and entertaining -literature. - -_The Summons._--The experienced physician knows, from the sound of the -door bell, whether it is the representative of wealth or penury who is -outside at the bell-pull. - -The doctor opened the door to the _timid_ summons. - -"Will you please come and see my mother?" asked a little delicate and -thinly-dressed girl. "She has been very ill for nearly a year, and I'm -afraid she's going to die." The poor little heart was swelling with grief. - -Almost ashamed as I donned my heavy coat, for the night was bitter cold, -and the shivering little girl pattered after me with her well-worn shoes -and scanty dress, I hurried along to the abode of poverty. - -_The Tenement._--The faint rays of a candle issuing from an upper window -of one of those wretched wooden buildings, guided us to the invalid's -tenement, and as we approached the house the little girl ran ahead of me, -and stood shivering in the doorway, while I carefully walked up the -rickety steps. - -Poor as the tenement was, its cleanliness was noticeable, from the fact -that it was isolated from the loathsome Irish neighbors, whose superior -means and brutal habits allowed them to occupy the lower and more -accessible apartments almost in common with the swine which are fed from -their very doorsteps. - -_The Invalid._--A violent paroxysm of coughing had just seized the lady, -and I waited some moments before I could observe her features. She had -surely seen better days. There were about her and the little apartment -evidences of refinement, from her own tidy person to the little sweet -rosebush in full bloom, and the faultless white board, and the scanty, -though snowy curtains that shaded the attic window, which produced a -melancholy effect upon me, which was not lessened when good breeding -required me to address my patient. - -[Illustration: CALL AT THE TENEMENT.] - -Her countenance had evidently been beautiful; an immense mass of auburn -hair, such as Titian loved to paint, yet shaded her brow; the eyes were -large and lustrous; the nose was slightly aquiline, the lips thin; and -every feature bespoke the woman of a highly refined and intellectual -nature. When her gaze met mine for an instant, I felt that pity was -misplaced in the emotions which swelled my heart, for the lofty dignity, -almost _hauteur_, in that look, would have become an empress in reduced -circumstances. - -"Go, dearest, to your little bed, and close the door, my love," she said, -turning to the child. - -The girl lingered an instant. I stood between the dying mother and her -child. I turned aside whilst their lips met in that holy kiss that a dying -mother only can give, ay, and a prayer that she alone can breathe. - -When the little creature had withdrawn, by a narrow door scarcely -distinguishable from the rest of the rough, whitewashed boards that -divided her little closet from the main room, the mother turned her -earnest gaze upon me, and said,-- - -"I have troubled you, doctor, not with the view of taxing your kindness to -any extent, but to ask how long I may yet linger,"--placing her hand on -her wasted bosom,--"depending for every service upon that little fragile -creature, for whom alone I have, I fear, a selfish desire to live." - -I could not answer immediately. My heart was too full. I had recognized -the dreadful malady at a glance. She was far gone with consumption. - -"I have a duty to perform, connected with her, that depends upon your -answer--one that I have selfishly, alas! too long deferred." - - * * * * * - -As I arose to take my departure, she requested me to open the door to the -little chamber. I did so, and there lay the poor, pale child, with her -clothes unremoved. Merciful God! an infant watching its dying mother, a -refined, delicate and intellectual woman, the wife of an educated -physician, in a wretched tenement, surrounded by palaces! - -_How they lived._--O, my God, what a discovery was made on my next visit, -the following morning! Then I saw what had before excited my curiosity, -viz., the manner in which my patient contrived to support herself and -child, for I was quite sure that she would never condescend to beg. - -[Illustration: THE WIDOW AT WORK.] - -I had observed, during my visit the previous evening, a very large -package, tied up in commercial form, and by its side a large square board. -The widow was now sitting up in bed, propped up with some coarse straw -pillows, her cheeks burning with hectic, and the square board resting upon -a couple of cross-pieces to keep it from her wasted limbs, and she and the -child were at work putting up soda and seidlitz powders. Several dozen -boxes had been filled during the morning, placed in envelopes, and -labelled. - -"'Tis the lot of humanity to labor," she said, when I had detected her at -the task which taxed the last mite of her remaining strength, and I stood -horrified looking on; "and why should I be exempt?" she asked, actually -smiling gracefully. - -I removed the board, but allowed the girl to resume her work by the little -table near, saying that her remark was applicable only to those able to -labor. She assured me that their contracted circumstances had "compelled -her to make this exhibition of her industry." - -_Her History._--Twelve years before, this beautiful and refined lady had -left a home of wealth and affluence to share the fortunes of her husband, -Dr. ----, who was worthy of all the love that a pure and affectionate -woman could bestow. He struggled on manfully and hopefully against -misfortune until two years ago.... - -I had once met her husband. It was under the following circumstances. A -child had been run over, and much injured. I was called, but found, on my -arrival, that this young doctor had been before me, and done all that was -required; but the gentleman whose duty it was said if I would attend the -case he would pay all charges, and the young physician, on learning this -fact on the next visit, retired in my favor. That evening I called at his -office, and insisted upon his accepting one half of the fees which I knew -I should receive. He hesitatingly accepted, after much persuasion on my -part; and I remember that it was my impression at the time that he was -excessively proud. - -Now, the poor wife informed me that, at the time, their means were -entirely exhausted, and when he came home that evening with a large basket -of necessaries, and some little delicacies to which they had long been -unaccustomed, and upon her expressing her astonishment, he _sat down and -wept like a child_. - -"Great God," he cried, in agony of soul, "why did I take you from your -father's house, where you had plenty? What a reward for devoting the -flower of life to such a profession! To hear a wife, and the mother of my -child, expressing astonishment and joy at the unwonted sight of the very -necessaries of life!" - -It was only when the note-books and manuscripts of this truly meritorious -and unfortunate young man fell into my hands, that I discovered what a -loss his family and the profession had sustained. - -He was too proud to ask assistance. Even in his fatal sickness, he -continued, until a late period, to decline medical treatment, rather than -expose his poverty to his brethren. Finally he became known to Dr. ----, -who devoted his time and purse to him until he died. That season Dr. ----- died also. - -After his death, the lady with her child had removed to these miserable -quarters. The needle, and coloring of prints, had sustained them both for -a year, when, finding it impossible, with her failing health, to earn a -living at that employment, she resumed the one by which her noble husband -had been compelled to eke out his miserable income,--putting up seidlitz -powders,--in order to sustain them. - -Often, she told me, had she sat by his side till late in the night reading -to him, whilst he plied his fingers industriously at this employment, so -utterly repulsive to an intellectual man; and when she would beg him to -retire, he would often cheerfully obey the summons to an all-night visit -to some wretched and dishonest Irishman--who could not get the service of -a more knowing (pecuniarily) physician without an advanced fee--in the -remote hope of obtaining a few dollars, which his refinement taught these -wretchedly dishonest people they had only to refuse, as they almost -invariably do, in order to escape entirely the obligation! This is the -gratitude (!) of which we have spoken before. It was whilst attending one -of these miserable people that he imbibed the fatal disease which swept -him from the earth, and left his poor wife and child to struggle on alone -in their cheerless journey. - -It is needless to say that from the time of the visits of the benevolent -physician, the widow wanted for nothing that earth could bestow, to the -day of her death, which soon occurred; else she would have died at her -task! - -_The Unnatural Father._--On the fifth day, evening, a man entered my -office and inquired for me. He was plainly dressed in black, and possessed -one of those hard, immovable countenances which admit of no particular -definition. - -"I received a letter from you relative to my daughter." - -This was said in such a perfectly business-like manner, without the least -emotion, that I was shocked, and my countenance must have expressed my -astonishment, for he immediately added,-- - -"A sad business, my dear sir. Well, well, I will not detain you. The -corpse is here?" - -"No, sir. I will accompany you to the late abode of your daughter." I was -glad that she had not been removed; I thought it might do his moral nature -some good to see the condition to which his unnatural conduct had brought -her. - -[Illustration: THE PHYSICIAN AND THE FATHER.] - -Not a muscle of his countenance changed, as we ascended the wretched -steps. The watcher admitted us to the poor, low room, and handing him a -letter from my pocket, I said, "These are your daughter's last words to -you, which she intrusted to my keeping for you. I will not intrude upon -your privacy, but will await you at my office;" and bowing, I retired, -leaving him beside the corpse of his neglected child. - -In less than fifteen minutes he returned, and, without any allusion to the -event, thanked me for my attentions, declining a chair, saying,-- - -"You will please make out your bill. I wish to be ready to start early in -the morning, and take the corpse with me." He inquired for the address of -an undertaker, and the present abode of _her_ child! - -I stood speechless! He was an anomaly. I measured him with my eyes; he -cast his own for an instant to the floor, and then said,-- - -"My business habits, I fear, shock you, sir. I have been in a hurry all my -life. I have never had time to think. I owe you an apology, sir--pardon -me." - -I thought of the future fate of the poor child, and I must acknowledge I -hypocritically, for once in my adult life, took the _hand of the man I -totally despised_, as I asked him mildly if his daughter had not requested -to be buried by the side of her husband, whom she loved so well. - -"No, sir," he sharply replied; "his name was not mentioned in the letter; -very properly too. I had no respect for him, sir, none whatever; nor -should I have acceded to such, had she made the request." - -I gave him the address of the grandchild, and also an undertaker's. - -"I am much obliged to you," he said, hurriedly. "I will trouble you no -further. I will send for the bill in the morning. Good evening, sir." - -I wanted the man (_brute!_) to love the poor little orphan, his -grandchild, and that night I prepared a letter--instead of a bill--which I -hoped would benefit him, without aggravating his feelings towards her. I -said that I deemed such a privilege a sacred one, not to be soiled by a -pecuniary return. I said other things to him, in the note, which I need -not repeat. Near spring, in a kind, almost affectionate letter, he -announced to me the death of his grandchild. She had fulfilled her -mission. She had greatly subdued his nature by her lovely character.... - -I learned that the remains of Dr. ---- were afterwards interred by the -side of his wife and child, and I received but lately the assurance that -the wretched father, before his death, admitted that money was not the -chief good. - -Thus perished a noble physician, a devoted wife, and their lovely -offspring, because of the selfish ingratitude of one to whom they were and -still might have been an inestimable blessing. - - -THE PHYSICIAN. - - "Honor a physician with the honor due unto him, for the uses which ye - may have of him: for the Lord hath created him; for of the Most High - cometh healing, and he shall receive honor of the king. The skill of - the physician shall lift up his head: and in the sight of great men he - shall be in admiration."--_Ecclesiasticus_ xxxviii. - -If there is one class of men in the world who deserves the gratitude of -their fellow-creatures above another, it is the physicians. By physician I -mean not him who alone can theorize garrulously upon anatomy and -physiology, chemistry and therapeutics, but who can render assistance, in -time of need, to the sick and distressed. In ancient days physicians were -reckoned "as the gods." I much wonder, as I turn the leaves of the -Testament, at the abuse heaped upon the Saviour; for he went about healing -the sick, and casting out devils (evil diseases). Surely society was at a -very low ebb in those times. - -Who has greater, firmer friends than the physician! The good physician is -sure to prosper. Certainly "envy increases in exact proportion with fame; -the man who is successful in his undertakings, and builds up a character, -makes enemies, and calls forth swarms of stinging, peevish, biting -insects, just as the sunshine awakens the world of flies;" but the true -physician, having the desire at heart to benefit his fellow-creatures, is -strong, is beloved, is blessed! He calls forth hosts of friends on every -side, just as the pure morning air calls fragrance from every lovely -flower. Would you have the prayers and blessing of the good? then - - "Go to the pillow of disease, - Where night gives no repose, - And on the cheek where sickness preys - Bid health to plant the rose. - Go where the sufferer ready lies - To perish in his doom, - Snatch from the grave his closing eyes, - And bring a blessing home." - - -A PETER-FUNK DOCTOR. - -One day, passing up Washington Street, Boston, I detected a familiar voice -issuing from a store, on the window-panes of which lately vacated premises -was pasted "Removal," and, looking in, I saw a man mounted on a box -selling a pinchbeck watch. The place _looked_ a deal like a New York -Peter-Funk shop. However that may have been, I recognized the hired -auctioneer as once having been a medical practitioner. He was a graduate -of C---- Medical College. Owing to his honesty and lack of acquisitiveness -among dishonest and niggardly creatures in ----, whom he faithfully served -in his earlier efforts at his profession, he was compelled to resort to -other means of gaining a support for himself and family, and finally was -reduced to clerking and selling goods for those whose business tact -exceeded his own. - -[Illustration: THE PETER-FUNK PHYSICIAN.] - - -SELLING OUT. - -Everybody has heard of Leavitt, the dry little joker, the humorous and -popular auctioneer of Hartford, who sells everybody, and everything, from -a riddled sauce-pan to a nine-acre lot in the suburbs. - -One fine day he was selling, in front of the State House, a various -collection of articles, with a lot of ancient and modern household -furniture and traps that would have made Mrs. Toodles happy for a six -months, and was "looking sharp" for some one to help him over a tough -place on an odd lot, when he discovered in the crowd a pleasant, open, -upturned countenance,--a sort of oasis in the desert,--to whom he at once -appealed for assistance. A knowing wink from young rusticus was the -response, a return from the auctioneer, and the bids went on with -astonishing rapidity, till down went a big lot of goods, which everybody -seemed to have wanted--a truckle-bed and fixings, with earthen ware, etc. - -"Yours, sir--what's your name?" said L. to the young man from the -agricultural district. - -"Mine? O, no; I didn't bid on 'em," said rustic. - -"Yes, you did," replied the auctioneer. - -"Well, I guess not, much." - -"But you did--the whole lot. You winked every time I looked towards you." - -"Winked?" - -"Yes, and kept winking; and a wink is a bid always," said L., the least -taken aback at the prospect of losing a good sale. - -"Wal--as for that--so did you keep winkin' at me. I thought you was -winkin' as much as to say, 'Keep dark; I'll stick somebody onto this lot -of stuff;' and I kept winkin' back, as if to reply, 'Well, I'll be hanged -if you don't, mister.'" - -[Illustration] - - - - -XXXI. - -"THIS IS FOR YOUR HEALTH." - - "Like leaves on trees the race of man is found, - Now green in youth, now withering on the ground; - Another race the following spring supplies; - They fall successive, and successive rise; - So generations in their course decay, - So flourish these when those have passed away." - - THE INESTIMABLE VALUE OF HEALTH.--NO BLESSING IN COMPARISON.--MEN AND - SWINE.--BEGIN WITH THE INFANT.--"BABY ON THE PORCH."--IN A STRAIT - JACKET.--"TWO LITTLE SHOES."--YOUTH.--IMPURE LITERATURE AND - PASSIONS.--"OUR GIRLS."--BARE ARMS AND BUSTS.--HOW AND WHAT WE - BREATHE.--"THE FREEDOM OF THE STREET."--KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN AND MOUTH - CLOSED.--THE LUNGS AND BREATHING.--A MAN FULL OF HOLES.--SEVEN MILLION - MOUTHS TO FEED.--PURE WATER.--CLEANLINESS.--SOAP VS. WRINKLES.--GOD'S - SUNSHINE. - - -HEALTH IS ABOVE ALL THINGS. - -Health is that which makes our meat and drink both savory and pleasant, -else Nature's injunction of eating and drinking were a hard task and a -slavish custom. It makes our beds lie easy and our sleep sweet and -refreshing. It renews our strength with the morning's sun, and makes us -cheerful at the light of another day. It makes the soul take delight in -her mansion and pleasures, a pleasure indeed, without which we solace -ourselves in nothing of terrene felicity or enjoyment.--_Mainwaring._ - -Without health there is no earthly blessing. In comparison with health all -other blessings dwindle into insignificance. Life is a burden to the -perpetual invalid, for whom the only solace is in the silent grave. Nor -can such always look forward with perfect confidence to rest even beyond -the dark portals of the tomb; for the infirm body is not unusually -attended by an enfeebled mind which often jeopardizes Hope:-- - - "And Hope, like the rainbow of summer, - Gives a promise of Lethe at last." - -If, then, health is so essential to our earthly happiness, and to our hope -of peace in immortality, O, let us who possess the boon strive to retain -it, and we who have it not seek diligently to regain that which is lost. - -The farmer does not consider it a compromise of his dignity to search out -the best modes and means for increasing the quality as well as the -quantity of his stock--his horses, his oxen, his sheep, and his -swine,--and is man, the most noble work of his Maker,--man, created but a -little below the angels,--is man an exception to this rule, that he should -cease to be the study of mankind? Is humanity below the animals? - -Mankind deteriorates while domesticated live stock improves. - -God has given us bodies formed in his own likeness, and has pronounced -them "good," hence, not diseased; and it is evidently our most imperative -duty to regard it as a great gift, and preserve these bodies as the -inestimable boon of the Almighty. - -It is very evident that man has fallen far short of the requirements of -his Maker. - -From Adam to the flood--a space of time estimated at upwards of fifteen -hundred years, according to Hebrew chronographers--the average of man's -years was nine hundred. From Noah to Jacob, by the same chronology, it had -dwindled to one hundred and forty-seven years. In the ninetieth psalm we -read, "The days of our years are threescore years and ten." From actual -statistics it is shown to average now less than one fourth of threescore -and ten years. - -And this fact in the face of civilization, enlightenment, and -Christianity! Why so? How shall we account for the evil? - -The Psalmist above quoted says further, "and if by reason of _strength_ -they be fourscore years," etc., which implies that strength prolongs, and -weakness--reversing the matter--shortens our days. - -Let us begin at the beginning. - - -ABOUT THE BABIES.--HOW THEY ARE REARED AND HOW THEY SHOULD BE. - - BABY ON THE PORCH. - - Out on the porch, by the open door, - Sweet with roses and cool with shade, - Baby is creeping over the floor-- - Dear little winsome blue-eyed maid! - - All about her the shadows dance, - All above her the roses swing, - Sunbeams in the lattice glance, - Robins up in the branches sing. - - Up at the blossoms her fingers reach, - Lisping her pleading in broken words, - Cooing away, in her tender speech, - Songs like the twitter of nestling birds. - - Creeping, creeping over the floor, - Soon my birdie will find her wings, - Fluttering out at the open door - Into the wonderful world of things. - - Bloom of roses and balm of dew, - Brooks that bubble and winds that call, - All things lovely, and glad, and new, - And the Father watching us over it all! - -"Select the best sprouts for transplanting," says the "Old Farmer's -Almanac." And here you have the whole root of the matter in a nut shell; -for sickly-looking sprouts produce only sickly-looking plants. Like begets -like. - -Now, how about the babies? Women's rights are advocated. Men take their -rights. But who shall defend the babies' rights? Poor, helpless little -non-combatants! Let me say a few words in their behalf. - -Children, from the cradle, are wrongfully treated. Their first rights are -here curtailed. Look at the baby that is permitted to creep out "on the -porch," or over nature's green carpet, and there bask in the sunshine and -frolic in the open air; then look in pity upon the pale weekly house-plant -child. The contrast is as striking as lamentable. - -"O, he'll get his death's cold if the air blows upon him," hysterically -screams the ignorant mother. Yes, "ignorant"--that is the adjective I want -to describe her. - -The young mother has doubtless been sent to a fashionable boarding-school, -where she was taught algebra, French, (?) the art of adornment, how to -walk fashionably, eat delicately, and dress _a la mode_, and even how to -make a good "catch," but never how to preserve her health or rear an -offspring. O, this would be shockingly immodest, or "counting chickens -before they are hatched," I once heard a lady affirm. - -Nine tenths of our American wives are totally ignorant of everything that -pertains to their own health, or that of the healthful rearing of an -infant. - - -BABY IN A STRAIT JACKET. - -At first the infant is usually bound tightly in swaddling clothes, lest it -move a limb, or for fear (like the down east orator) that it will "bust," -and thus kept from air and exercise the first year or two, till it not -unusually becomes a stunted, rickety thing, hardly worth "transplanting" -or raising. Haven't you and I, kind reader, been subjected to something of -this sort of strait jacket insanity?--insanity of parents! And having been -tolerably strongly constituted from a "tough stock," we survived that -first wrong, whereas thousands of "nicer" babies have succumbed to the -swaddling and stifling process. - -This is wrong, all wrong. The infant should be left free, at least as to -its chest and limbs, in order to breathe, kick, and expand. How happy the -little fellows are at evening to get rid of the murderous clothes which -have been bundled about them all day, and how they will fight and squirm -to get down on the carpet all stripped, and creep, or, if old enough, run -about in freedom! How they crow and prattle! - -Now, don't swaddle them--a simple, easy bandage is early admissible,--or -cover their heads and faces with caps, sheets, or blankets. Inure them to -the air early and continually, and they will have less colds and -"snuffles" than if you confined them within doors. Give them air and -sunlight, and away with your "goose-grease." Yes, I have even known some -country people to apply skunk's oil, and others who larded the infant's -nose and chest for the "snuffles." Croup delights in such babies! - -Then from the strait jacket, baby is taken to the other extreme--bare -arms, neck, and chest. Old Dr. Warren once said, "Boston sacrifices -hundreds of children annually by not clothing their arms and chests." -Once, when in remonstrating with a mother against this barbarous practice -of thus exposing her little one-year-old to a chilling atmosphere when my -arms and chest were not over warm as wrapped in an overcoat, she replied -to me,-- - -"O, the little dear looks so pretty with its little white arms and neck -all bare!" - -"Yes," I replied, sorrowfully, "it will look pretty, also, laid out in its -coffin." - -She was greatly shocked by the remark, which, however, too soon proved -true. - -"Doctor's stuff" cannot counteract the fatal results of such ignorance and -exposures. - - TWO LITTLE SHOES. - - Two little shoes laid away in the drawer, - Treasured so fondly--never to be worn; - Two little feet laid away in the tomb, - Cold and all lifeless--sadly we mourn. - What trifling things does not a mother keep, - Tokens of love the swelling heart to ease; - Useless little toys--a lock of golden hair; - Something to fondle--to cherish like these - Two little shoes laid away in the drawer, - Treasured so fondly, never to be worn! - - These little shoes are only left us now; - Gone is our "darling," ever to remain; - Dear little feet, so plump and all dimpled, - Never will press them--never again! - But heavenly thoughts shall cheer me on my way: - Death is but life, in fairer, sunnier view; - Busy little feet but just run on before; - This is my solace as my tears bedew - Two little shoes laid away in the drawer, - Treasured so fondly, never to be worn. - - -IMPURE LITERATURE AND PASSIONS. - -It is as marvellous as true that some children survive this treatment; -besides the stuffing with meat victuals, candies, and cookies, inducing -colic and dysentery; then dosing with rhubarb, paregoric, peppermint, and -worse. Soothing syrups! Eternal quietuses! Yes, in spite of extremes of -heat and cold, stuffing and dosing with crude and poisonous articles, some -babies actually reach the next stage--youth! - -From chilled blood, indigestion, poisonous air and drugs, repeated attacks -of croup, bronchitis, dysentery, etc., the majority who have reached -puberty are afflicted by some scrofulous taint, or development, or broken -constitutions. - -Now, they have appetites and passions to grapple. We have already, in -chapter fifth, shown how the school-girl is cheated out of health by the -deprivation of her "rights," among which are air, freedom, and exercise. -Here is another evil, which must not be passed over unnoticed. A New York -physician, who wields an abler pen than myself, thus expresses my ideas. -What he applies to females is not limited by copyright. Males, help -yourselves; it belongs to you quite as much as to the beautiful. - -"It sickens the heart to contemplate the education of female children in -this city." (And let me add, in this country.) "Should nature even triumph -over all the evils above enumerated, no sooner has the poor girl attained -the age of puberty, than her mind and nervous system are placed upon the -rack of novel-reading and sentimental love stories. There is just enough -of truth in some of these mawkish productions to excite the passions and -distract the attention of the young girl from the love of nature and its -teachings, and all rational ideas of real life, and to cause her to -despise the commonplace parents whose every hour may be occupied for her -consideration and welfare." - -This writer goes on to condemn those selfish, money-grasping wretches -"professors of religion, too," in our city, who publish this impure and -overstrained literature, to the great injury of the morals of the young; -adding, "What language can be too strong for such disgusting hypocrisy? We -punish a poor wretch for the publication of an obscene book or print, and -give honor and preferment to those who instil poison into the minds of our -children by a book prepared with devilish ingenuity, and in every possible -style of attraction and excitement. - -"It is the premature excitement of the nervous and sexual system that -should be avoided. The licentious characters presented in all the glowing -tints of a depraved imagination cannot fail to injuriously affect the -youthful organism." - -The dissolute and immoral characters whom we debar from the personal -friendship of our sons and daughters, whom we exclude from our parlors, -and even street recognition, are sugared over, and, between gilded covers, -passed freely into the _boudoirs_, school-rooms, and seminaries of our -children, for their companionship at their leisure. The vile characters in -person would be far less injurious, for in that case their hideousness -would the surer be revealed. - -"Nothing can be more certain than the production of these works of a -precocious evidence of puberty. The forces of the young heart and vascular -system are thus prematurely goaded into ephemeral action by the stimulus -of an imagination alternately moved to laughter, and tears, and sexual -passion." - -Mr. Baxter, in Part 2, ch. xxi., direction 1, of his _Christian -Directory_, which is a direction for reading other books than the Bible, -says, "I pre-suppose that you keep the devil's books out of your hands and -house. I mean cards, and idle tales, and play-books, and romances or -love-books, and false, bewitching stories, and the seducting books of -false teachers.... For where these are suffered to corrupt the mind, all -grave and useful writings are forestalled; and it is a wonder to see how -powerfully these poison the minds of children, and many other empty -heads." - -It would astonish and shame some parents if they would take pains to look -over the books which are daily and nightly perused by their children. It -is not enough for you to know that such books were obtained from a "dear -friend," or from a respectable publisher, or pious bookseller, or that -they are lawful publications. Parents and guardians, I pray you take -warning. - - -"OUR GIRLS." - -I want everybody, male and female, old and young, to read that most -excellent book, "Our Girls," by Dr. Dio Lewis. It will do you good. For -humanity's sake, and particularly for the benefit of females, I recommend -it. Lest some of my readers should not follow this advice, I want to tell -you what it says about - - -LOW NECK AND SHORT SLEEVES. - -"Many a modest woman appears at a party with her arms nude, and so much of -her chest exposed that you can see nearly half of the mammal glands. Many -a modest mother permits her daughters to make this model-artist exhibition -of themselves. - -"One beautiful woman said, in answer to my complaints, 'You should not -look.' - -"'But,' I said, 'do you not adjust your dress in this way on purpose to -give us a chance to look?' - -"She was greatly shocked at my way of putting it. - -"'Well,' I said, 'this assurance is perfectly stunning. You strip -yourselves, go to a public party, parade yourselves for hours in a glare -of gas-light, saying to the crowd, "Look here, gentlemen," and then you -are shocked because we put your unmistakable actions into words.' - -"In discussing this subject before an audience of ladies in this city -(Boston), the other evening, I said, 'Ladies, suppose I had entered this -hall with my arms and bust bare; what would you have done? You would have -made a rush for the door, and, as you jostled against each other in -hurrying out, you would have exclaimed to each other, "O, the -unconscionable scallawag!" May I ask if it is not right that we should -demand of you as much modesty as you demand of us?' But you exclaim, -'Custom! it is the custom, and fashion is everything.'" Again the author -says,-- - -"This exposure of the naked bosom before men belongs not to the highest -type of Christian civilization, but to those dark ages when women sought -nothing higher than the gratification of the passions of man, and were -content to be mere slaves and toys. - -"Boston contains its proportion of the refined women of the country. We -have here a few score of the old families, inheriting culture and wealth, -and who can take rank with the best. A matron who knows their habits -assures me that she never saw a member of one of those families in 'low -neck and short sleeves.' - -"In the future free and Christian America, the very dress of women will -proclaim a high, pure womanhood.... We shall then discard the costumes -devised by the dissolute capitals of Europe. - -"What a strange spectacle we witness in America to-day! Free, brave -American women hold out to the world the Bible of social, political, and -religious freedom, and anon we see them down on their knees, waiting the -arrival of the latest steamer from France, to learn how they may dress -their bodies for the next month." - -Well, he does not censure ladies in the above manner all through; but yet, -in a most earnest and interesting way he divulges the most startling -truths, and even very young misses are delighted with the whole argument. -"Why, it's just like a story," exclaimed my twelve-year-old Katie on -reading it. - -What Dr. Lewis objects to on the score of immodesty, I also oppose on the -ground of unhealthfulness. The idea of preventing or curing the -laryngitis, or consumption, in a lady, when there is nothing but gauze, or -a bit of ribbon and a galvanized bosom pin, between her neck and the cold -and changeable atmosphere of the north or east, is ridiculously absurd. No -doctors or doctors' pectorals can save such. "High necks," warm flannels, -or make your wills. - - -HOW AND WHAT WE SHOULD BREATHE. - -It would disgust the reader if I should enter into the details of telling -him what people--respectable people, even, in nice houses--breathe over. -Air is life. The purer the air, the purer the life-stream that courses -through our hearts. You cannot get too much of it. Take it in freely. Have -only pure air in your houses, in your sleeping-rooms and cellars. -Particularly see that the children have the freedom of the air, day and -night, at home, at school, everywhere. It is free--costs nothing! - - -THE FREEDOM OF THE STREET. - - "I dwell amid the city, - And hear the flow of souls; - I do not hear the several contraries, - I do not hear the separate tone that rolls - In art or speech. - - "For pomp or trade, for merry-make or folly, - I hear the confidence and sum of each, - And what is melancholy. - Thy voice is a complaint, O crowded city, - The blue sky covering thee, like God's great pity." - -"Heaven bless the freedom of the park," has exclaimed a child of song; and -he might also have invoked the same blessing upon "the freedom of the -street." The street is free to all; to high and low, young and old, rich -and poor. It recognizes no distinctions or castes; it is the very -expressiveness of democracy. - -The child of fashion, arrayed in silks, ribbons, and furbelows; the child -of penury and want, in rags, filth, and semi-nakedness; the shaver of -notes and the shaver of faces; the college professor and the chiffonier, -all mingle in common on the street. Now walking side by side, now brushing -past each other, now stopping to look at the same cause of excitement, now -each jostled into the gutter. No distinction in wealth, birth, or -intellect is recognized; no one dare attempt to restrict the freedom of -the thoroughfare, and none dare say to another, "Stand aside, for I am -better than thou." - -The little boy trundles his hoop against the shins of the thoughtful -student; the little girl knocks the spectacles from the nose of the man of -science with her rope, while the preacher runs against an awning-post to -make way for a red-faced nurse with a willow carriage; the antiquated -apple woman, and the child with its huge chunk of bread and butter, sit -on the curb; the painter digs the end of his ladder rather uncomfortably -into some pursy old gentleman's stomach; while the sweep, with the soot -trembling upon his eyelashes, strolls along as independently and leisurely -as the dandy in tights, and with the sweeter consciousness that he is -doing something for the public good. - -[Illustration: THE FREEDOM OF THE PARK.] - -The street is a world in miniature, a Vanity Fair in motion, a shifting -panorama of society, painted with the pencil of folly and fancy. It is the -only plane upon which society, "the field which men sow thick with -friendships," meets on a common level. It does not flaunt in aristocracy, -and never dares to be pretentious. - - -"KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN AND MOUTHS CLOSED." - -There's true philosophy in the above saying of a wise _savant_. But there -is more wisdom in the latter clause than he even dreamed of in his -philosophy. - -The Book informs us that God breathed the breath of life (air) into man's -_nostrils_. Nothing is more injurious, save continually breathing foul -air, than the habit of breathing through the mouth. Keep the mouth closed. -A great many diseases of the teeth, mouth, throat, head, and lungs may be -traced directly to the pernicious and general habit of breathing with the -mouth open--inhaling and exhaling cold air directly into the mouth and -throat, inflaming and chilling the mucous membrane and the blood. The -nostrils are the only proper passages for the air to the lungs. Here are -filterers to exclude particles of dust and foreign matter, and various -ramifications, whereby the air is properly warmed before reaching the -lining of the throat and lungs. In infected air you are less injured, and -less liable to contract contagious diseases, when inhaling only through -the natural channel, the nostrils. - -I think it was Dr. Good, of London, who wrote a book on the subject, -which Carlyle pronounced "a sane voice in a world of chaos." - -George Catlin says he learned the secret of keeping the mouth closed while -among the North American Indians. They would not allow themselves or their -children to sleep with the mouth open (though their reasoning is -questionable), because the evil spirit would creep in them at night. Hence -the parent went around after the pappooses were asleep, and closed their -mouths. Pulmonary diseases are seldom found in the "close-mouthed." Kant, -the philosopher, claims to have cured himself of consumption by this -discovery. Persons never snore except by breathing through the open mouth. -O, give us quiet, you snorers, by keeping your mouths shut, even at the -expense of "keeping your eyes open" to watch yourself, and thus deliver -the world from the disturbance of snoring. - - -THE LUNGS.--BREATHING. - -All that live, down even to vegetables and trees, breathe, _must_ breathe, -in order to live; live in proportion as they breathe; begin life's first -function with breathing, and end its last in their last breath. And -breathing is the _most important_ function of life, from first to last, -because the grand stimulator and sustainer of all. Would you get and keep -warm when cold, breathe copiously, for this renews that carbonic -consumption all through the system which creates all animal warmth. Would -you cool off, and keep cool, in hot weather, deep, copious breathing will -burst open all those myriads of pores, each of which, by converting the -water in the system into insensible perspiration, casts out heat, and -refreshes mind and body. Would you labor long and hard, with intellect or -muscle, without exhaustion or injury, breathe abundantly; for breath is -the great re-invigorator of life and all its functions. Would you keep -well, breath is your great preventive of fevers, of consumption, of "all -the ills that flesh is heir to." Would you break up fevers, or colds, or -unload the system of morbid matter, or save both your constitution and -doctor's fee, cover up warm, drink soft water--cold, if you have a robust -constitution sufficient to produce a reaction; if not, hot water should be -used. Then let in the fresh air, and breathe, breathe, breathe, just as -deep and much as possible, and in a few hours you can "forestall and -prevent" the worst attack of disease you ever will have; for this will -both unload disease at every pore of skin and lungs, and infuse into the -system that _vis animae_ which will both grapple in with and expel disease -in all its forms, and restore health, strength, and life. - -Nature has no panacea like it. _Try the experiment_, and it will -revolutionize your condition. And the longer you try, the more will it -regenerate your body and your mind. Even if you have the blues, deep -breathing will soon dispel them, especially if you add vigorous exercise. -Would you even put forth your greatest mental exertions in speaking or -writing, keep your lungs clear up to their fullest, liveliest action. -Would you even breathe forth your highest, holiest orisons of thanksgiving -and worship, deepening your inspiration of fresh air will likewise deepen -and quicken your _divine_ inspiration. Nor can even bodily pleasures be -fully enjoyed except in and by copious breathing. In short, proper -breathing is the alpha and omega of all physical, and thereby of all -mental and moral function and enjoyment. - - -A MAN FULL OF HOLES. - -Yes, made of holes! - -A gentleman once told me a story, as follows. We were travelling on the -Ohio River, on board of a steamer. - -"You see that bank over opposite?" - -"Yes," I replied. - -"Well, thereby hangs a little story. I always laugh when I think of it, -or pass the spot, which is often. A fellow sat looking at that spot, -watching the thousands of swallows that were continually flitting to and -fro, in and out of their nests, and laughing immoderately to himself. I -approached, and ventured to inquire the cause of his mirth, that I might -partake of it. - -"Well, you see that bank and all them nests? Well, one day I went down on -the boat and noticed them. When I came back, there had meantime been a -heavy rain storm which washed the bank away, and left the holes all -sticking out;" and the fellow continued to laugh as though he would split -himself, probably from the _idea_ of the holes "sticking out." I wondered -how he could see them if the bank around was washed away. - -Still the man full of holes is a fact. According to Krause, quoted in -Gray's and Wilson's works on anatomy, there are twenty-eight hundred -(2800) pores in the skin of the human body to the square inch; and the -number of square inches to an average-sized man is twenty-five hundred -(2500). This would give some _seven million pores in the whole body_. -These pores, or tubes, are one fourth of an inch in length; hence, the -entire length of them all is _twenty-eight miles_. - -That part of the skin is the healthiest which is the most exposed to the -air, as the face and hands. That part the most diseased from which the air -is most excluded, as the _feet_. Three fourths of all persons over -fourteen years of age have diseased feet; either corns, chilblains, or -diseased joints or nails. - - -SEVEN MILLION MOUTHS TO FEED. - -These seven million mouths must be fed daily and hourly. Their food is -light and air. Man is not only fed and nourished through the portal of his -mouth, but through all the pores of his body, by drawing in nutriment from -the surrounding elements, even from the viewless air. - -These little mouths also need moisture. This fact is revealed to the -senses through the medium of the nerves; for, how grateful to the dry, -parched skin, is a bath of cold water! or, if the blood is in a "low -state,"--impoverished by disease,--let it be a tepid bath. Let it feel -comfortable and grateful to the user. This is a good rule to direct you. -The little children love it--love to paddle and splash in it. If they cry -and fight against washing, it is usually because of the rudeness of the -operator, who, with brawny palm or rough sponge takes the child unawares, -nearly suffocating it, and briskly and rudely rubbing over the surface of -the tender face, regardless of such small obstructions as nose, chin, and -lips, and not unusually dashing a quantity of yellow soap suds into the -infantile eyes. The next time the little fellow is requested to be washed, -he, remembering the last _scouring_, naturally objects to a repetition of -the unpleasant process. - -As the nostrils inhale pure air beneficially, they also exhale impurities. -The pores also excrete, or throw off impurities. A healthy skin will throw -out, by the pores, from two to three pounds of impure matter every -twenty-four hours. To be sure a greater quantity of this impurity is a -vapory substance, yet that holds in solution solid particles of corrupt -matter, which greatly tend to clog the pores if left to obstruct free -perspiration. - - -WATER. - -Then, aside from cooling and nourishing the skin and the system through -the pores, cleanliness and health demand oft and repeated ablutions of the -whole body. In order that the perspiration may be unobstructed, it is -absolutely necessary to wash the whole surface of the body in water, and -on account of the _acid_ and oily substance collecting on the skin, using -a small quantity of alkali, as soap or soda in the water, and thus, by -good brisk rubbing, using the hand in preference to a cloth or sponge, -thoroughly cleansing the little mouths referred to, else their action is -retarded and suspended. This should be done daily during the summer -season. - -This is a simple process, indispensable to health, and the unwashed can -hardly believe what beneficial results follow such a plain course, or know -the healthful influence or the comfort derived from a frequent use of pure -water. - -Those who bathe thus daily seldom take colds. During the winter, in cold -climates, weekly or semi-weekly bathing may suffice. - -[Illustration: "IT COSTS NOTHING."] - -A statesman, in seeking an illustration of the difference between price -and value, very happily hit upon water, which costs nothing, and yet is of -inestimable worth. Water, next to air, is the most indispensable of all -the productions of nature. "Unlike most good things providentially -supplied for our use, it is hardly capable of abuse. The more common -danger to be feared is from too little, not too much, water. - -"Simple a thing, however, as it may be to quench the thirst from the -running stream, or the mountain spring, there are but few people who know -how to drink. Most people, in the eagerness of thirst, swallow with such -avidity the welcome draught, that they deluge their stomachs without -proportionately refreshing themselves. The slowly sipping of a single -goblet of water will do more to alleviate thirst than the sudden gulping -down of a gallon. It is more frequently the dryness of the mouth, during -hot weather, than the want of the system, which calls for the supply of -fluid. When larger quantities, moreover, are poured into the stomach than -are required, that organ becomes oppressed mechanically by the distention, -and the digestion is consequently weakened." - -The prescribed ablutions of the Jews and Mohammedans have not only a -spiritual but a hygienic value. "The washing of the body not only whitens -the outside of the sepulchre, but purifies the internal organs, and renews -the spiritual man as well.... Hence, when the body becomes foul by the -retention of worn-out and corrupt material accumulated on the surface and -the interior of the structure, it becomes a cage suitable only for the -dwelling of unclean birds, and no others will descend and make their nests -therein. It is a vessel fitted to receive only the lower passions and -feelings of human nature. - -"Public bathing-houses are as important a means of grace as our poorly -ventilated churches, and many an unhappy soul would be brought nearer to -heaven by a judicious application of soap and water than he could be by -listening to a sermon about that of which he comprehends little and cares -less."--_Rev. W. F. Evans's "Mental Cure."_ - - -SOAP VS. WRINKLES. - -How much younger and fresher the wayworn traveller or the outdoor laborer -looks after a thorough washing of the face and hands only. Many who -complain of "bird's claws" and wrinkles might murmur less if they made a -thorough use of warm water and "old brown windsor soap," or better, the -true castile soap. Nearly all the soap sold at groceries for castile is -spurious. A good druggist will have the desired article, and for rough, -chapped skin nothing is better, not even glycerine. - -Then wash out the furrows of fine dirt that gather in the _little_ -wrinkles, and it will surprise some folks to see how, thereby, they have -reduced the size of their wrinkles. It is like cleansing an old coat! - - -GOD'S SUNSHINE. - -Next to air and water in importance to health and happiness is sunlight. -O, "let there be light" in your houses, that there may be light in your -hearts also! - -Our houses should be so constructed and located that the sun may shine -into every room some time during the day. Too many build houses and live -in the rear. The hall and large parlors are usually situated in front, to -the south or west, throwing the sitting, dining, and -working-room--kitchen--in the shade. Let the cheering, life-giving -influences of God's dear blessed sunshine flood the working, sitting, and, -particularly, the sleeping rooms. He or she who sleeps in a room from -which the sunshine is totally excluded will be pale, weak, tired, and die -prematurely of consumption. Try a plant in such a room. It soon turns pale -and sickly. Just so your children and yourself. I have such patients -daily. Medicine cannot substitute sunshine. - -Throw open the blinds, dash aside the curtains, and let in the light and -sunshine to your homes and hearts. Never mind the carpets; they may be -replaced, but you and your children, never! Save your health, if _you ruin -an old carpet in so doing_! - -Cholera, dysentery, scrofula, nervous diseases, and consumption prevail -more extensively in narrow and darkened, as also in the shady side of -streets; also in darkened prisons and hospitals. - -A heavy heart walks in dark and cheerless apartments. The cheerful, happy -man, the joyous, contented wife, the beautiful, healthy children, dwell -and rejoice in homes where flows full and free the pure air and the -life-keeping, health-giving sunshine. - -Christianity is more likely to take up its abode with the latter. There -only green leaves and beautiful flowers can gladden the sight and -exhilarate the senses. - -Air, water, sunlight! "These three." Don't neglect them. So shall you live -long, live healthy, and at last die happily! - - - - -XXXII. - -HEALTH WITHOUT MEDICINE. - - How shall I stay life's sunny hours? - For though the summer skies are clear, - Foreboding thoughts steal o'er my heart, - And autumn sounds oppress my ear. - While heart with hope beats warm and high, - And pleasures drink in summer bowers, - I know that autumn frosts will come-- - How shall I stay life's sunny hours? - - CHEERFULNESS.--GOOD ADVICE.--REV. FRANCIS J. COLLIER ON CHRISTIAN - CHEERFULNESS.--WHAT GOD SAYS ABOUT IT.--WHINING.--LOVE AND - HEALTH.--AFFECTION AND PERFECTION.--SEPARATING THE SHEEP AND - GOATS.--THE FENCES UP AND FENCES DOWN.--SIXTEEN AND SIXTY.--ACTION AND - IDLENESS.--IDLENESS AND CRIME.--BEAUTY AND DEVELOPMENT.--SLEEP.--DAY - AND NIGHT.--"WHAT SHALL WE EAT?"--A STOMACH-MILL AND A - STEWING-PAN.--"FIVE MINUTES FOR REFRESHMENTS."--ANCIENT DIET.--COOKS - IN A "STEW."--THE GREEN-GROCERIES OF THE CLASSICS.--CABBAGES AND - ARTICHOKES.--ANIMAL AND VEGETABLE DIET. - - -CHEERFULNESS. - -I place cheerfulness next, in the catalogue of essentials to long life and -happiness; before "diet," for, unless a man eats cheerfully, nothing will -agree with him; and if he be constantly cheerful, nothing that he eats -will injure him. - -"How shall I be cheerful when all the world goes wrong with me?" asks the -diseased and despondent man or woman. - -Put on cheerfulness as a garment. Assume it. Try my suggestion. Use a -little hypocrisy with yourself. Go before your glass, if necessary, and -assume a cheerful countenance. Keep it up, and before long you will be -astonished to find that Mr. Melancholy don't like it, and begins to -withdraw his sombre person. Keep on "keeping it up," and the most happy -results will soon follow your exertions. - -Try the reverse, and melancholy will return. This is cheap medicine. -"[R]--A cheerful face, taken daily, feasting." - - -CHRISTIAN CHEERFULNESS. - -The following prize essay was written by Rev. Francis J. Collier:-- - -"_Cheerfulness as a Medicine._--Perhaps nothing has a greater tendency to -cast gloom over the spirit than _disease_. The mind sympathizes with the -body as much as the body with the mind. Their union is so intimate, so -delicate, so sensitive, that what affects the one necessarily affects the -other. Each to a certain degree determines the other's condition. If the -mind is joyful, its emotion is betrayed by the expression of the body. 'A -merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance.' But if the body is injured, or -the physical system deranged, the mind at once suffers, and forthwith -droops into sadness. It becomes, therefore, your Christian duty, if you -have health, to study the laws of your physical being; to compel yourself -both to labor and to rest; to avoid unnecessary risks or exposure; to -abstain from injurious indulgences; to be prudent, temperate, chaste, and, -by every proper means, to try to preserve what is so essential to your -spiritual comfort. If you have lost this boon, strive to regain it. Think -not, speak not, all the while about your malady. Suppress moans and -complaints. They are always disagreeable to others; they can never be -beneficial to you. Count your mercies, and not your miseries. Try upon -your body the stimulus of a cheerful spirit. It may not insure your -recovery, but it will certainly produce a pleasant alleviation. 'A merry -heart doeth good like a medicine; but a broken spirit dryeth the bones.' - -"_Borrowing Trouble._--Forebodings of evil rob the mind of cheerfulness. -'Ills that never happened have mostly made men wretched,' says Tupper. -Casting our glance ahead, we see 'lions' in the way; difficulties which we -are sure we can never overcome; griefs under whose heavy weight we shall -be utterly crushed. Not satisfied with our present troubles, we borrow -misery from the future. The Holy Scripture instructs us to do otherwise. -'Thou knowest not what a day may bring forth.'--Prov. xxvii. 1. 'Take -therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for -the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.'--Matt. -vi. 34. And then it gives us a golden promise, 'As thy days, so shall thy -strength be.' - -"The life of many Christians is a life of constant sadness and gloom. They -seem to be entire strangers to all the happiness of earth and all the -hopes of heaven. Their faces commonly appear as sombre as the stones which -mark the dwelling-places of the dead. Their feelings are better expressed -in sighs than in songs. Unhappy themselves, they make others unhappy. They -come and go like clouds, shutting out the sunshine from cheerful hearts, -and for a while casting upon them shadows cold and dark. - -"Arise, O, desponding one! Quit your tearful abode in the valley of gloom, -and come and make your dwelling on the bright hill-top of cheerfulness. -Look up! look up! and behold the sun shining through the clouds, and the -stars through the darkness." - - -WHINING. - -This is a habit opposed to cheerfulness, and producing contrary results. -It is half-sister to scolding, and equally as obnoxious. Don't fret and -whine. It makes you look old and cross. The disease soon becomes chronic -if indulged in. It is a disease that not only the doctors know at sight, -but every one can read it in the face of those thus afflicted. "O, what a -cross face that lady has got!" I heard another female exclaim but -yesterday, as they passed on the street. You cannot hide it; then don't -induce such a look. - -Somebody has written the following, which so completely expresses my ideas -of the matter, that I quote the item verbatim:-- - -"There is a class of persons in this world, by no means small, whose -prominent peculiarity is whining. They whine because they are poor; or, if -rich, because they have no health to enjoy their riches; they whine -because it is too shiny; they whine because it is too rainy; they whine -because they have 'no luck,' and others' prosperity exceeds theirs; they -whine because some friends have died, and they are still living; they -whine because they have aches and pains, and they have aches and pains -because they whine, no one can tell why. - -"Now, we would like to say a word to these whining persons. Stop whining. -It's of no use, this everlasting complaining, fretting, fault-finding, -scolding, and whining. Why, you are the most deluded set of creatures that -ever lived. - -"Do you not know that it is a well-settled principle of physiology and -common sense that these habits are more exhausting to nervous vitality -than almost any other violation of physiological law? And do you not know -that life is pretty much what you make it and take it? You can make it -bright and sunshiny, or you can make it dark and shadowy. This life is -only meant to discipline us, to fit us for a higher and nobler state of -being. Then stop whining and fretting, and go on your way rejoicing." - - -LOVE. - -"Well, what has that to do with health and long life?" ask the cynic, the -bachelor, the old maid possibly, and the plodders. - -Everything, I reply. - -The man, woman, or child who loves well and wisely, who loves the most, is -the happiest, healthiest, and will live the longest. - -"That is a bold assertion," says my quizzer. - -Yes, and true as bold. Now listen in silence to my statement. - -Who loves, what loves, and what is the result? - -"God is love." Here is the first, the fundamental principle. - -He is the oldest of all beings. To be like him is to love,--to love all -things which he has created. This is Godlike. If you are not thus, you are -like the ungodly, who "shall not live out half their days." "Love God, and -keep his commandments." - -"Love thy neighbor as thyself." - -Is there not more happiness and health in the obeying of this command, -than in disobedience to it? Whatever is conducive to happiness is -healthful. Whatever produces unhappiness is injurious to health. Love is -undefinable. - -"There is a fragrant blossom that maketh glad the garden of the heart. - -Its root lieth deep; it is delicate, yet lasting as the lilac-crocus of -autumn. - - * * * * * - -I saw, and asked not its name; I knew no language was so wealthy. - -Though every heart of every clime findeth its echo within. - -And yet, what shall I say? Is a sordid man capable of love? - -Hath a seducer known it? Can an adulterer perceive it? - - * * * * * - -Chaste, and looking up to God, as the fountain of tenderness and joy. - -Quiet, yet flowing deep, as the Rhine among rivers. - -Lasting, and knowing not change, it walketh in truth and sincerity. - -Love never grows old, love never perisheth." - - -AFFECTION AND PERFECTION. - -Love is so closely connected with our lives, and all that makes or mars -our peace and pleasure, health and beauty, that I should feel guilty of a -sin of omission by excluding this item from my chapter on health and -happiness. - -To be unloved is to be unhappy. Do not forget the connection between -health and happiness. They are all but synonymous terms. - -You may know the unloved and unlovely by the lines of care, dissipation, -or crime that are furrowed upon their brows. Go into the highways, and you -may readily pick out the unloved child by its unsatisfied expression of -countenance. It lifts its great, hungry eyes to yours instinctively, and -asks for love and sympathy as plainly by that searching look, as the child -of penury, the bread-starveling asks for alms when it presents its scrawny -hand, and in pitiful tones says, "Please give me a penny, for God's sake." - -O, give the child "love," for God's sake; for he so loved the world that -he gave us his only begotten Son, who only in turn taught us to love. - -Physical perfection is never found in the unloved. - -The unloved wife is not long beautiful, nor the child of such. There is a -marked difference between them and the wife and child that the husband and -father cherishes and caresses with unrestrained affection. In sickness -love divides the burden, as in the common toils of life. - -Disguise or deny the truth of the assertion if you will, woman must love -somebody or some thing. She were not otherwise a true woman, nor made in -the image of her Maker. If the husband denies her that affection which -truly belongs to her nature, he must not blame her, but himself, if she -loves another. She will cling to something. If she has no children upon -whom to lavish her affections, she will love some other's, or a pet -canary, or even a cat, or lapdog; but love she will. - - -SEPARATING THE SHEEP AND GOATS. - -I place cheerfulness before love, because angry and melancholy people are -unlovable. If you wish to be loved and happy, be lovable. Strive to -please, to make those about you happy, and then you will be lovable. -Cheerfulness is the first step. - -A very sensible writer in the _Phrenological Journal_ says,-- - -"There is not enough thought, and time, and consideration devoted to this -inevitable requisite, love. It is kept too much in the background. How -many years are given to preparing young people for professions, trades, -and occupations; how much counsel and advice are heaped around these -topics; and yet how little importance is attached to the very influence -which will probably be the turning-point of their lives. No wonder there -are so many unhappy marriages. If we could only remember that boys and -girls are not to be educated for lawyers, merchants, school-teachers, or -housekeepers alone, but for husbands and wives, as well." - -Those girls are the most chaste and ladylike who have been brought up with -a family, or neighborhood, or school of boys; and on the other hand, those -boys who have from their earliest days been accustomed to female restraint -and girlhood's influences, make the best men, and most faithful, loving -husbands and fathers. - -What shall I say of those demoralizing institutions where the "young -ladies" are taught algebra, languages, and ill manners? Where they are -forbidden to recognize a gentleman in the school-room, prayer-room, or -street? Can you, honest reader, believe there are such institutions in our -enlightened land? Yet there are; where the sexes are denied not only the -association with, but are forbidden the common courtesies of life; where, -if a friend or brother lifts his hat to the young lady, while belonging to -that institution, she is forbidden to acknowledge the courtesy. - -I remember Mrs. Brandyball, in one of Theodore Hook's novels of society, -boasting of her seminary for young ladies as one of the _safest_ in the -world, being entirely surrounded by a dense wall, eight feet high, -surmounted by sharp spikes and broken glass bottles. I reckon all the -virtue preserved in this way was not worth the cost of its defences. - - -FENCES BROKEN DOWN. - -The writer passed some time in a town where these discourtesies were -promulgated. I boarded with a pious family, where a large number of male -students boarded also. There was one class of influences and _passions_ -pervading that place. All female influence and restraint were withdrawn. -And what was the result? The boys were forbidden to smoke, or chew -tobacco, or play at cards. They reckoned me as a "right jolly good -fellow," because I could be induced to play a game of euchre with them; -but they occasionally smoked me out of their rooms, and I was repeatedly -compelled to check their wonted flow of licentious conversation. Cards, as -an innocent amusement, I could stand, but the "accomplishments" referred -to I could not endure. Shall I, as a physician, mention the positive -evidence, the pathognomonic indications which were revealed to me in the -faces of many of those young men; of vulgar habits, which are less often -or seldom revealed in those who customarily associate in pure female -society? They had little or no respect for the opposite sex. Their ideas -of them, thoughts and conversations, were most gross. If some now and -then, as they occasionally would, took a stolen interview, a walk at -night, when "Old Prof." was asleep, it was with no more exalted views of -purity than any other midnight criminal prowlers are supposed to cherish. - -And the girls? Alas! they were ready to flirt with every strange man, -drummer, or else, who came into the village. The aforesaid pious landlord -assured me further, what my eyes did not see, that he knew of girls -climbing out of the windows at night, and partaking of stolen rides and -interviews as late as midnight; and he pointed out to me one coy, plump -little miss, who he knew "had been out as late as one or two A. M., taking -a ride with a gentleman scholar." - -The scholars all met in the "chapel" for prayers. Are sly glances, winks, -or billets-doux prayers? If so, they prayed fervently. - -Any well read, observing physician will tell you of the ruined healths of -the majority of females educated at such exclusive seminaries. - -And what is the reverse of this exclusiveness? - -Bring the sexes up together. Teach them together, as much as is -consistent. They will each have better manners, be more graceful, and -possess clearer ideas of propriety, more beauty and better health, than by -the plan of a separate education. - -We all dread to grow old. Don't talk of second childhood. Keep the first -youthfulness fresh till the last. Love will do much towards continuing -this desirable state. Says the _Phrenological Journal_, beauty comes and -goes with health. The bad habits and false conditions which destroy the -latter, render the former impossible. Youthfulness of form and features -depends on youthfulness of feeling. - - "Spring still makes spring in the mind, - When sixty years are told; - Love wakes anew the throbbing heart, - And we are never old." - -If, then, we would retain youthful looks, we must do nothing that will -make us _feel old_. - -O, the folly of parents in some things! The nonsense of sixty is the -sweetest kind of sense to sixteen; and the father and mother who renew -their own youths in that of their children may be said to experience a -second blossoming of their lives. Teach them to talk to you of their -friends and companions. Let the girls chat freely about gentlemen if they -wish. It is far better to control the subject than to forbid it. Don't -make fun of your boy's shamefaced first love, but help him to judge the -article properly. You would hardly send him by himself to select a coat or -a hat--has he not equal need of your counsel and assistance in selecting -that much more uncertain piece of goods, a sweetheart? - -There is a great deal of popular nonsense talked and written about the -folly of our girls contracting early marriages. It is not the early -marriage that is in fault, it is the premature choice of a husband. Only -take time enough about selecting the proper person, and it is not of much -consequence how soon the minister is called in. Keep him on trial a little -while, girls; look at him from every possible point of view, domestic or -foreign. Don't be deluded by the hollow glitter of handsome features and -prepossessing manners. A Greek nose or a graceful brow will not insure -conjugal happiness by any means. A husband ought to be like a watertight -roof, equally serviceable in sunny or rainy weather. - - -ACTION AND IDLENESS. - -While action is surely essential to our physical and moral being, all -extremes should be avoided. Excessive labor, even out of door, in the air -and sunshine, may be injurious. On this point I quote the _Scientific -American_:-- - -"It has oftentimes been asserted that those exposed to severe labor in the -open atmosphere were the least subject to sickness. This has been proven a -fallacy. Of persons engaged at heavy labor in outdoor exposure, the -percentage of sickness in the year is 28.05. Of those engaged at heavy -labor in-doors, such as blacksmiths, etc., the percentage of sickness is -26.54--not much to be sure; but of those engaged at light occupations -in-doors and out, the percentage of sickness is only 20.80-21.58. For -every three cases of sickness in those engaged in light labor, there are -four cases among those whose lot is heavy labor. The mortality, however, -is greater among those engaged in light toil, and in-door labor is less -favorable to longevity than laboring in the open atmosphere. It is -established clearly that the quantum of sickness annually falling to the -lot of man is in direct proportion to demands on his muscular power. - -"How true this makes the assertion,--'Every inventor who abridges labor, -and relieves man from the drudgery of severe toil, is a benefactor of his -race.' There were many who looked upon labor-saving machines as great -evils, because they supplanted the hand toil of many operatives. We have -helped to cure the laboring and toiling classes of such absurd notions. A -more enlightened spirit is now abroad, for all experience proves that -labor-saving machines do not destroy the occupations of men, but merely -change them." - - -IDLENESS INDUCES CRIME. - -This fact cannot be too strongly or repeatedly impressed upon parents and -children. - -Warden Haynes, of the Massachusetts State Prison, lately uttered these -emphatic and significant words, which are worthy to be written in letters -of gold: "Eight out of every ten come here by liquor; and a great curse -is, not learning a trade. Young men get the notion that it is not genteel -to learn a trade; they idle away their time, get into saloons, acquire the -habits of drinking, and then gambling, and then they are ready for any -crime." How many young men we see every day who are in the pathway to this -end. Fathers and mothers who hold the dangerous view that it is not -genteel for their children to learn a trade, can see where such ideas -lead. The words of wisdom quoted above are full of weighty import for both -parents and children. - - -BEAUTY AND DEVELOPMENT. - -Activity of body and mind are conducive to health. - -Everybody ought to know that moderate exercise develops the muscular and -nervous power, hence the vitality of all creatures. Is the active, -prancing steed, or the inactive, sluggish swine, the better representative -of beauty, strength, and long life? - -"The horse," answers everybody. Then avoid the habits of the other, and -you will be very unlike that indolent, unclean, and gluttonous animal. -When you see a man who reminds you of a hog, be assured he has swinish -habits. - -Mental activity, unless it is excessive, is conducive to beauty, to -strength, and health. A writer in the American Odd Fellow has some good -ideas illustrative of my argument, that I may be pardoned for quoting -him:-- - -"We were speaking of handsome men the other evening, and I was wondering -why K. had so lost the beauty for which five years ago he was so famous. -'O, it's because he never did anything,' said B.; 'he never worked, -thought, or suffered. You must have the mind chiselling away at the -features, if you want handsome middle-aged men.' Since hearing that -remark, I have been on the watch to see whether it is generally true--and -it is. A handsome man who does nothing but eat and drink grows flabby, and -the fine lines of his features are lost; but the hard thinker has an -admirable sculptor at work, keeping his fine lines in repair, and -constantly going over his face to improve, if possible, the original -design." - -Therefore, we infer that this moderate (outdoor) exercise is conducive to -beauty, health, and longevity. Moderate activity of the mind the same. - -Idleness begets licentious thoughts and deeds. Activity of body and mind -in honorable pursuits calls away the nervous power from the lower to the -higher organs. A lively, cheerful, clean man or woman, is seldom wicked or -licentious. - - -SLEEP. - -By the assistance of John G. Saxe, we have already given those - - "Early to bed, and early to rise, - Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise," - -fellows a touch of our opinion on too early rising. I base my judgment -upon careful and continued observation during many years. - -The Scriptures teach that the day is for work, and night for sleep. This -turning day into night, sitting up till near midnight, is all wrong. It is -ruinous to health and beauty. This other extreme, of rising at four or -five o'clock and pitching into hard labor, is wearing and tearing to the -constitution; and though nature for a while adapts herself to the -necessity, by browning and unnaturally developing the exposed parts of -such deluded or unfortunate persons, _it does it at the expense of his -length of days_. He will not live so long for his over-doing. - -Begin by retiring earlier, at the first indication after nightfall of -fatigue and sleepiness. If sweaty, wash the skin quickly, as previously -directed, with warm water, _rubbing dry and warm_, and cover up. Lie on -one side. Do not sleep on your back. You are more liable to dream -laborious or frightful dreams, snore, or have nightmare. Do not sleep in -clothes worn during the day. - -Unfortunate is the man or woman, who, from necessity, arises before six or -seven in winter, or five to seven in summer. - -Literary persons require more sleep than laborers. Children require more -than adults. Do not lie in bed long after awaking at morning. Open your -window wide as soon as you arise--it is supposed to be partially open at -the top all night. - -In inhaling air at night or morning, do it only through the nostrils. -Night air is _not_ injurious any more than day air if so inhaled. Sleep -when sleepy--this is a good rule, unless disease induces unnatural sleep. - - -WHAT SHALL WE EAT? - -_Eat what relishes well, and agrees with you afterwards._ This is the best -general rule I have been able to adopt for eating. - -There has been so much ridiculous stuff written upon "diet" that most -sensible people have given up trying to follow the prescribed rules of -writers, if not their physician's directions on that score. - -Take the following, by one celebrated Dr. Brown, of England, for an -example, although we may find others quite as ridiculous nearer home:-- - -"For breakfast, toast and rich soup made on a slow fire, a walk before -breakfast, and a good deal after it; a glass of wine in the forenoon, -_from time to time_; good broth or soup to dinner, with meat of any kind -he likes, but always the most nourishing; several glasses of port or punch -to be taken after dinner, till some enlivening effect is perceived from -them, and a dram after everything heavy; one hour and a half after dinner -another walk; between tea-time and supper a game with cheerful company at -cards or any other play, never too prolonged; a little light reading; -jocose, humorous company, avoiding that of popular Presbyterian ministers -and their admirers, and all hypocrites and thieves of every -description.... Lastly, the company of amiable, handsome, and delightful -young women and an enlivening glass." - -Dr. Russell, to whom we are indebted for the quotation, might well say -that "John Brown's prescriptions seem a caricature of his system." - - -A "STOMACH-MILL" AND A "STEWING-POT." - -There have been many speculations about the nature of the digestive -process, and in relation to them the celebrated Hunter remarked, -playfully, "To account for digestion, some have made the stomach a mill; -some would have it to be a stewing-pot, and some a brewing-trough; yet all -the while one would have thought that it must have been very evident that -the stomach was neither a mill, nor a stewing-pot, nor a brewing-trough, -nor anything but a _stomach_." All that can be said is, that digestion is -a chemical process, the mechanical agency spoken of being of service only -in thoroughly mixing the gastric juice with the food. - - -"FIVE MINUTES FOR REFRESHMENTS." - -"Murder! murder!" the conductor might as well cry to passengers, as "Five -minutes for refreshments." - -Now it makes less difference what we eat than how we eat. Cold hash, eaten -slowly, therefore, well masticated, and mixed with the saliva, is more -likely to "set well" than a light cake or a cracker, though it be "Bond's -best," if hurried down the throat. - -What the English call the "blarsted Yankee style" of gulping down the food -half masticated, washing it down with drinks, will ruin anything but a -sheet-iron stomach in a cast-iron constitution. Talk about "mills." Why, -that most excellently contrived mill in the mouth is not suffered to -perform its duty. The hopper is too crammed; it clogs the whole machinery. - -Eating between meals destroys the regular periods naturally established by -the stomach for digestion. Three meals should be sufficient for -twenty-four hours. - -"Much has been said about exercising after eating, and the truth has been -often over-stated. The famous experiment with the two dogs is cited to -show that exercise after eating interferes with the process of digestion. -Observe just how much was proved by the experiment. Two dogs were fed to -the full, and while one was left to lie still, the other was made to run -about very briskly. In an hour or two both dogs were killed, and it was -found that the food was well digested in the dog that remained quiet, but -not in the other. (I have seen it stated the reverse.) This proves simply -that _violent_ exercise, taken _immediately_ after eating, interferes with -digestion. Other facts show that light exercise rather promotes than -impedes the process, and that even very strong exercise does not interfere -with it if a short interval of rest be allowed, so that the process may be -fairly commenced. - -"The same is to some extent true of exercise of mind. It seems to be -necessary that there should be some measure of concentration of energy in -the stomach for the due performance of digestion, and any very decided -exercise, bodily or mental, tends to prevent this. In the dyspeptic, even -a slight amount of effort, either of body or mind, often suffices to do -it. - -"It is very commonly said that it is wrong to eat just before going to -bed. Is this true? Cattle are apt to go to sleep after eating fully. Do -sleep and digestion agree well in their case, and not so in the case of -man? In some seasons of the year the farmer takes his heartiest meal at -the close of the labors of the day, and soon retires. Is this a bad -custom? Our opinion is that food may be taken properly at a late hour, -provided, first, that the individual has not already eaten enough for the -twenty-four hours,--that he has done so being true, probably, in most -cases; and provided, secondly, that he is in such a state of health that -digestion will not so act upon his nerves as to disturb his sleep. If it -will thus act, it is clear that he had better be disturbed when awake, -for he can bear the disturbance then with less of injury to his system." - - -ANCIENT DIET. - -"How did them old _anti-delusion_ fellows live?" once asked an honest old -farmer of the writer. "They must have lived differently than we live, or -they would not have told so many years as they did." - -True, true. The difference between ancient and modern diet is remarkable. -The ancient Greeks and Romans used no tea, coffee, tobacco, chocolate, -sugar, lard, or butter. They had but few spices, no "nutmeg, cinnamon, -ginger, or cloves," no Cayenne pepper, no sage, sweet marjoram, spinach, -tapioca, Irish moss, arrow-root, potato, corn starch, common beans; no -oranges, tamarinds, or candies, or the Yankee invention, "buckwheat cakes -and molasses." What would our modern cooks do without the above enumerated -articles in the culinary department? And the butter! Down to the Saviour's -time butter was unknown. Dr. Galen (130-218, A. D.) saw the first butter -only a short time before his death. Tea is comparatively a modern -introduction. - - -THE GREEN GROCERY OF THE CLASSICS. - -The cabbage has had a singular destiny--in one country an object of -worship, in another of contempt. The Egyptians made of it a god, and it -was the first dish they touched at their repasts. The Greeks and Romans -took it as a remedy for the languor following inebriation. Cato said that -in the cabbage was a panacea for the ills of man. Erasistratus recommended -it as a specific in paralysis. Hippocrates accounted it a sovereign -remedy, boiled with salt, for the colic. And Athenian medical men -prescribed it to young nursing mothers, who wished to see lusty babies -lying in their arms. Diphilus preferred the beet to the cabbage, both as -food and as medicine,--in the latter case, as a vermifuge. (Horace Greeley -prefers the latter, for he says that "a cabbage will beat a beet if the -cabbage gets a-head.") The same physician extols mallows, not for -fomentation, but as a good edible vegetable, appeasing hunger and curing -the sore throat at the same time. The asparagus, as we are accustomed to -see it, has derogated from its ancient magnificence. The original "grass" -was from twelve to twenty feet high; and a dish of them could only have -been served to the Brobdignagians. Under the Romans, stems of asparagus -were raised of three pounds' weight, heavy enough to knock down a slave in -waiting with. The Greeks ate them of more moderate dimensions, or would -have eaten them, but that the publishing doctors of their day denounced -asparagus as injurious to the sight. But then it was also said that a -slice or two of boiled pumpkin would reinvigorate the sight which had been -deteriorated by asparagus! "Do that as quickly as you should asparagus!" -is a proverb descended to us from Augustus, and illustrative of the mode -in which the vegetable was prepared for the table. - -A still more favorite dish, at Athens, was turnips from Thebes. Carrots, -too, formed a distinguished dish at Greek and Roman tables. Purslain was -rather honored as a cure against poisons, whether in the blood by wounds, -or in the stomach from beverage. I have heard it asserted in France, that -if you briskly rub a glass with fingers which have been previously rubbed -with purslain or parsley, the glass will certainly break. I have tried the -experiment, but only to find that the glass resisted the pretended charm. - -Broccoli was the favorite vegetable food of Drusus. He ate greedily -thereof; and as his father, Tiberius, was as fond of it as he, the master -of the Roman world and his illustrious heir were constantly quarrelling, -like two clowns, when a dish of broccoli stood between them. Artichokes -grew less rapidly into aristocratic favor; the _dictum_ of Galen was -against them, and for a long time they were only used by drinkers against -headache, and by singers to strengthen their voice. Pliny pronounced -artichokes excellent food for poor people and donkeys. For nobler stomachs -he preferred the cucumber--the Nemesis of vegetables. But people were at -issue touching the merits of the cucumber. Not so regarding the lettuce, -which has been universally honored. It was the most highly esteemed dish -of the beautiful Adonis. It was prescribed as provocative to sleep; and it -cured Augustus of the malady which sits so heavily on the soul of Leopold -of Belgium--hypochondriasis. Science and rank eulogized the lettuce, and -philosophy sanctioned the eulogy in the person of Aristoxenus, who not -only grew lettuces as the pride of his garden, but irrigated them with -wine, in order to increase their flavor. - -But we must not place too much trust in the stories, either of sages or -apothecaries. These pagans recommended the seductive but indigestible -endive as good against the headache, and young onions and honey as -admirable preservers of health, when taken fasting; but this was a -prescription for rustic swains and nymphs. The higher classes, in town or -country, would hardly venture on it. And yet the mother of Apollo ate raw -leeks, and loved them of gigantic dimensions. For this reason, perhaps, -was the leek accounted not only as salubrious, but as a beautifier. The -love for melons was derived, in similar fashion probably, from Tiberius, -who cared for them even more than he did for broccoli. The German Caesars -inherited the taste of their Roman predecessor, carrying it, indeed, to -excess; for more than one of them submitted to die after eating melons, -rather than live by renouncing them. - -I have spoken of gigantic asparagus: the Jews had radishes that could vie -with them, if it be true that a fox and cubs could burrow in the hollow of -one, and that it was not uncommon to grow them of a hundred pounds in -weight. It must have been such radishes as those that were employed by -seditious mobs of old, as weapons in insurrections. In such case, a -rebellious people were always well victualled, and had peculiar -facilities, not only to beat their adversaries, but _to eat their own -arms_! The horseradish is probably a descendant of this gigantic ancestor. -It had at one period a gigantic reputation. Dipped in poison, it rendered -the draught innocuous, and rubbed on the hands, it made an encounter with -venomed serpents mere play. In short, it was celebrated as being a cure -for every evil in life, the only exception being that it destroyed the -teeth. There was far more difference of opinion touching garlic than there -was touching the radish. The Egyptians deified it, as they did the leek -and the cabbage; the Greeks devoted it to Gehenna, and to soldiers, -sailors, and cocks that were not "game." Medicinally, it was held to be -useful in many diseases, if the root used were originally sown when the -moon was below the horizon. No one who had eaten of it, however, could -presume to enter the temple of Cybele. Alphonso of Castile was as -particular as this goddess; and a knight of Castile, "detected as being -guilty of garlic," suffered banishment from the royal presence during the -entire month. - -It is long since the above instructive article on the "Green Groceries of -the Classics," by Dr. Doran, was in print, and I think it will be new to -most of my readers. I hope it will prove interesting as well as -instructive. - - -ANIMAL OR VEGETABLE DIET? - -Both, if considered in regard to health. With an eye to economy only, I -should recommend vegetable diet. - -I think that poor people lay out more, in proportion, than the rich, for -the purchase of animal food. They often buy extravagantly, on the credit -system, purchasing on Saturday nights, when there is a rush at the -stalls, and less opportunities for good bargains than when there is more -time. Again, the lower classes fry their meats, losing much of their -flavor and substance, by its going up chimney; or by boiling, and throwing -away much of the nutriment with the water, which stewing in a covered dish -would obviate. - -I have been into various markets, and observed the poor as they made their -purchases. I have seen them count into the butcher's hand their last penny -for a rib roast, a piece of pork to fry, a hind quarter of lamb to bake, -or beef to boil, when a piece to stew, with nourishing vegetables, would -cost far less, and return double the nutritive principle. - -Beefsteak, which contains seventy-five per cent. of water, is poor economy -of both money and health. The flank and neck pieces are better. The more -fatty and nutritive fore quarters are better than the hind quarters. Ask -the Jews. Coarse vegetables, as carrots, cabbages, turnips, and potatoes, -contain more nourishment than beef, though far less than the cereals, as -wheat, barley, corn, and buckwheat. Beans, peas, rice, cracked wheat or -hominy, cooked with meat, make a most wholesome and nourishing diet for -laborers, for the sedentary, and for invalids. Meat should never be given -to toothless infants. Milk, or bread and milk, is all they require until -they have teeth. - -A cheap, innutritious regimen is scarcely conducive to longevity, any more -than a stimulating and high living is contributive to that end. A great -quantity of hot roast meats is objectionable. Also hot fine flour bread. -Let those particularly interested in the matter see our article on bread, -etc., in chapter on Adulterations. Also, as respects coarse sugar against -the refined. See, also, Nutriment for Consumptives, in next chapter. - - - - -XXXIII. - -CONSUMPTION (PHTHISIS PULMONALIS). - - CONSUMPTION A MONSTER!--UNIVERSAL REIGN.--SIGNS OF HIS - APPROACH.--WARNINGS.--BAD POSITIONS.--SCHOOL-HOUSES.--ENGLISH - THEORY.--PREVENTIVES.--AIR AND SUNSHINE.--SCROFULA.--A JOLLY FAT - GRANDMOTHER.--"WASP WAISTS."--CHANGE OF CLIMATE.--"TOO LATE!"--WHAT TO - AVOID.--HUMBUGS.--COD-LIVER OIL.--STRYCHNINE WHISKEY.--A - MATTER-OF-FACT PATIENT.--SWALLOWING A PRESCRIPTION.--SIT AND LIE - STRAIGHT.--FEATHERS OR CURLED HAIR.--A YANKEE DISEASE.--CATARRH AND - COLD FEET, HOW TO REMEDY.--"GIVE US SOME SNUFF, DOCTOR."--OTHER THINGS - TO AVOID.--A TENDER POINT. - - -Phthisis Pulmonalis is consumption of the lungs, which is the common -acceptation of the term consumption. _Phthisis_ is from the Greek, meaning -_to consume_. This fearful disease, from the earliest period in the -history of medicine to the present day, has proved more destructive of -human life than any other in the entire catalogue of ills to which frail -humanity is heir. In Great Britain, one in every four dies of consumption; -in France, one in five. In the United States, especially in New England, -the number who die annually by this fearful disease is truly startling! -One in every three! One reason for this fatality is because of the -prevailing and erroneous idea that it is inevitably a fatal disease. - -Consumption is a relentless monster, and insidious in his approaches. He -spares not the high or the low. Oftener known in the hovel, he fails not -to visit dwellers in palaces. He paints the cheek of the infant, youth, -maiden, the middle-aged, and the aged with the false glow of health. The -delicate and beautiful are his common subjects. - -Tupper wrote with an understanding when he penned the following:-- - - "Behold that fragile form of delicate, transparent beauty, - Whose light blue eye and hectic cheek are lit by the bale-fires of - decline; - All droopingly she lieth, as a dew-laden lily, - Her flaxen tresses rashly luxuriant, dank with unhealthy moisture; - Hath not thy heart said of her, 'Alas! poor child of weakness'?" - -Yes, the monster "Decline" seeks particularly the fair-skinned, of -"transparent beauty," and those of the "light blue eye and flaxen hair," -for his victims. Nor are the illiterate alone his subjects, but men of the -most talented minds, men versed in arts, sciences, and _belles-lettres_, -professors of hygiene and physiology, and the very practitioners of the -art of medicine themselves, are often the shining marks of the insidious -monster whom they by erudition diligently seek to repel. - -Because of the too prevalent belief of the invincibleness of consumption, -it has been neglected more than any other disease. The victims to its -wiles have hoped against hope, while the enemy has woven his web quietly -and flatteringly around them. - -You must first be warned of his earliest aggression. - - -SIGNS OF HIS APPROACH. - -He is a deceiver. Let us be wary of him. - -We have been too negligent in this matter. Let us remember that prevention -is far better than cure. - -The slight fatigue on the least exertion we have counted as "nothing." The -hectic flush of the cheeks is too often mistaken for a sign of health. The -cursory pains of the chest, or left side, or under the shoulder-blades, -are disregarded, or, if noticed at all, are mentioned as though "of no -account." The slight hacking cough is scarcely heeded; for do not people -often cough without having consumption, and without raising blood? True, -true; and this is the stronghold of the deceiver. - -Consumption is a disease which is not entirely confined to the lungs. It -is often a depraved condition of the system, particularly the blood. There -is a "consumption of the blood," and a variety of morbid phenomena, which -cannot be expressed in the single word consumption. It not unusually -results in a scrofulous predisposition. An hereditary predisposition may -or may not be the cause. If the former, its development must depend upon -some exciting cause, which will be mentioned hereafter. The intermarrying -of persons of like temperaments and constitutional dispositions inevitably -results in children of scrofulous and consumptive diathesis. - -[Illustration: A NATURAL POSITION.] - -[Illustration: AN UNNATURAL POSITION.] - -A neglected cold, cough, or catarrh may soon develop this fatality. The -peculiar changes in females at certain periods of life often awaken the -slumbering enemy. Teething in infancy not unfrequently develops the -scrofulous element, and a wasting of the system--either _marasmus_ or -_tabes mesenterica_--follows, which, under the best treatment, may prove -fatal. - -The slip-shod, doubled-up way that many people have of lying, sitting, and -standing, are conducive to consumption. - -Badly-ventilated school-houses have heretofore been a source of great -injury to children, developing scrofula and consumption in constitutions -where it might have remained latent during their lifetime. Every -reflecting parent should rejoice in the improvements which have been made -during the last few years in the matter of ventilation in buildings, -particularly in churches and school-rooms, although janitors, porters, and -teachers have as yet too limited ideas on the subject of wholesome air. -The dry furnaces are a very objectionable feature, and not conducive to -health. - -_Early Symptoms._--Fatigue on the least exertion; a languid, tired feeling -in the morning; rosy tint of one or both cheeks during the latter part of -the day, caused by unoxygenized blood rushing to the surface; swelling of -the glands of the neck, or elsewhere; enlarged joints; paleness of the -lips; areola under the eyes; sensitiveness to the air; chills running over -the body; taking cold easily; catarrhal symptoms; premature development of -the intellect; and early physical maturity, are among its initiatory -indications. Also, when the disease is located in the lungs, spitting of -white, frothy mucus, or blood, with catarrhal symptoms; cough, which is -noticed by others before by the patient; hacking on retiring, or early in -the morning; varied appetite; tickling in the throat; short breath on -exertion, with rapid pulse. - -_Second Stage._--Cough, and difficult breathing; increased difficulty of -lying on one side; sharp, short pains; diminution of monthly period; -swelling of the lower extremities, leaving corrugation on removing the -hose and garters at night; raising greenish yellow matter, with (at -times) hard, curd-like substance; sweating easily (sometimes the reverse); -night sweats; restless, feverish, either dull or sharp bright cast to the -eyes. Sputa increases to the - -_Third Stage._--Diarrhoea not unusually supervenes; spitting of blood; the -person emaciates rapidly; the face changes from a bloated to a cadaverous -appearance, with hectic fever; the patient faints easily; debility -increases with the cough, or haemoptosis occurs often, until death finally -closes the scene. - -These are merely some of the external symptoms. Let the patient mark them, -not so much to fear, as to provide against them. To be forewarned is to be -forearmed. I caution you against the causes, and give you the benefit of -my extensive experience with this disease, both in New England and three -years in the South, that you may avoid its development by attention to -rules for health and longevity. - -If this fearful disease was better understood by the people, it would -prove far less destructive of human life. Undomesticated animals do not -die of it; domesticated ones do. What does that imply? That the people -have engendered the disease! Let the "people," then, take the first step -in preventing its ravages. - - -THEORY OF CONSUMPTION. - -At a sitting of the Academy of Medicine at London, Dr. Priory read a paper -on the treatment of phthisis, in which he developed the following -propositions:-- - -1. Pulmonary phthisis is a combination of multifarious variable phenomena, -and not a morbid unity. - -2. Hence there does not and cannot exist a specific medicine against it. - -3. Therefore neither iodine nor its tincture, neither chlorine, nor sea -salt, nor tar, can be considered in the light of anti-phthisical -remedies. - -4. _There are no specifics against phthisis, but there are systems of -treatment to be followed in order to conquer the pathological states which -constitute the disorder._ - -5. In order to cure consumptive patients, the peculiar affections under -which they labor must be studied, and appreciated, and counteracted by -appropriate means. - -6. The tubercle cannot be cured by the use of remedies, but good hygienic -precautions may prevent its development. - -7. The real way to relieve, cure, or prolong the life of consumptive -patients, is to treat their various pathological states, which ought to -receive different names, according to their nature. - -8. Consumption, thus treated, has often been cured, and oftener still life -has been considerably prolonged. - -9. Phthisis should never be left to itself, but always treated as stated -above. - -10. The old methods, founded on the general idea of a single illness -called phthisis, are neither scientific nor rational. - -11. The exact diagnosis of the various pathological states which -constitute the malady will dictate the most useful treatment for it. - - -PREVENTIVES OF CONSUMPTION. - -If a man desires a house erected, he consults a carpenter, or if a first -class residence, he employs an architect. If our watch gets out of repair, -we take it to a skilful jeweller. If our boots become worn, want tapping, -they are sent to the cobbler. But how many people there are, who, when the -complicated mechanism of the system gets out of order,--which they cannot -look into as they can their watch or old boots,--first try to patch -themselves up, instead of employing a professional "cobbler of poor health -and broken constitutions." - -Before me are Wistar's, Wilson's, and Gray's Works on Anatomy. I have -read them, or Krause's, more than twenty years. They contain all that has -been discovered relative to the human system. But I do not know it all. I -never can. I doubt if the man lives who knows it all. Then here is -"Physiology," which treats of the offices or various functions of the -system. I do not comprehend it all. "Great ignoramus!" Nobody is perfected -in it. Next is Pathology, which treats of diseases, their causes, nature, -and symptoms. Then there are Materia Medica, Chemistry, and much more to -be learned before one can become competent to prescribe for diseases -safely. - -[Illustration: CORRECT POSITION.] - -[Illustration: INCORRECT POSITION.] - -Can a carpenter, or any mechanic, a lawyer, minister, or other than he who -devotes his whole powers to the theory and practice of medicine, be -intrusted with the precious healths and lives of individuals, about which -he knows little or nothing? Or can I, in a few chapters, instruct such in -the art of curing complicated diseases? O, no, no. But I can do something -better for such. I can tell you how to avoid diseases. I am quite positive -of it. I should wrong you, and endanger your lives by the deception thus -put forth. There are some books written on the subject which are useful to -the masses in the same manner in which I trust this will prove, by -instructing in the ways of health, and warnings against that which is -injurious; but there are far too many issued which are but a damage to the -public by their false claims of posting everybody in the knowledge of -curing all diseases, particularly that complicated one termed consumption. - -Among the preventives of this fell destroyer I enumerate,-- - -_First_, Plenty of God's pure, free air; and _second_, sunshine. These are -indispensable. He who prescribes for a patient without looking into this -matter has yet to learn the first principle of the healing art. - -A lady recently came to my office with her son for medical advice. She was -a robust, matronly looking individual, who might turn the scale at one -hundred and eighty pounds, while the twelve-year-old boy was almost a -dwarf, pale and delicate. The contrast was astounding. - -"Madam," I said, "I perceive that your son sleeps in a room where no -sunshine permeates by day;" for I could liken the pale, sickly-looking -fellow to nothing but a vegetable which had sprouted in a dark, damp -cellar. A gardener can tell such a vegetable, or plant, which has been -prematurely developed away from air and sunshine. And though she looked -astonished at my Oedipean proclivity in solving riddles, it was nothing -marvellous that a physician should detect a result in a patient which a -clodhopper might discover in a cabbage. - -"Yes, sir," she finally answered, "he always sleeps in a room where the -sunlight don't enter; but I did not think it was that which made him so -pale-like; besides, I have taken him to several doctors, and they said -nothing about it; but their prescriptions did him no good, and I am -discouraged." - -Such stoicism was unpardonable, but I said in reply,-- - -"Take your son into a light airy room, to sleep. Try a healthy plant in -the cell where you have so wrongfully intombed him, and observe how -speedily the color and strength will depart from it. When you can come -back and assure me of his change of apartment, I will prescribe for him." - -She went away, repeating to herself, as if to impress it firmly upon her -mind,-- - -"Put a plant into his room--plant into Johnny's room." - -The lady afterwards returned, saying that she was sorry that the plant had -died, but was glad to say that Johnny was better. - -It is a daily occurrence for physicians to see patients who are dying by -inches from the above cause; nor are they the low foreigners alone, but, -like my stoical one hundred and eighty pounder, of American birth, and -without excuse for their ignorance. - -Do not sleep or live in apartments unventilated, or where the life-giving -sunshine does not penetrate during some portion of the day. It is living a -lingering death. If the patient is scrofulous, let him or her employ such -remedies as are known to remove the predisposition, or seek aid from some -physician who has cured scrofula. The regular practitioner seldom desires -such cases. One who has devoted much time to scrofula and chronic diseases -should be preferred. I think chronic practice should become a separate -branch in medicine as much as surgery is fast becoming. Take the disease -in season. Do not neglect colds, coughs, and catarrh. - -Persons of a low state of blood, who are weak and debilitated, should wear -flannels the year round--thinner in summer than in winter; keep the feet -dry--avoid "wafer soles,"--and the body clean, but beware of what Artemus -Ward termed "too much baths." Employ soap and a small quantity of water, -with a plenty of dry rubbing, till you get a healthy circulation to the -surface. - -Mothers, see to the solitary and other habits of your daughters. Fathers, -instruct your sons in the laws of nature, and of their bodies. Do you -understand? - -See our youth swept off by the thousands annually, for want of proper care -and instruction!... - - -A JOLLY FAT GRANDMOTHER. - -"_Wasp Waists._"--This is what I heard a fine-looking though -tobacco-sucking gentleman utter, as with his companion he passed two young -and fashionably dressed ladies on the street recently. - -[Illustration: HOW WASP WAISTS ARE MADE.] - -So I fell into a reverie, in which I called up the image of a fat, jolly -old lady whom I knew as my "grandmarm." She had a waist half as large -around as a flour barrel. - -"O, horrid creature!" exclaims a modern belle. - -But, then, my grandmother could breathe! You cannot--_only half breathe_! -And my "grandmarm" had a fresh color to her cheeks and lips, and a good -bust, till she was over sixty years of age, and she lived to be almost a -hundred years old. You won't live to see a third of that time. Did our -grandfathers or mothers die of consumption? O, no. Still they lived -well--mine did. When I see a modern mince pie, it quickly carries my mind -back to childhood days, when I think of a little boy who thought -grandmothers were gotten up expressly to furnish nice cakes and mince pies -for the rising generation. - -O, but she was jolly--and so were her pies! - -An Irish blunderer once said, "Ah, ye don't see any of the young gals of -the present day fourscore and tin years ould;" and probably we should not -see many of our present "crop" if _we_ should survive that age. - -Drs. A., B., and C., tell me how many ladies who visit your offices can -take a full, deep breath. "Not one in a score or two!" So I thought. - -[Illustration: A CONSUMPTIVE WAIST. CAUSE, TIGHT CORSETS.] - -[Illustration: NON-CONSUMPTIVE WAIST. NEVER WORE CORSETS.] - -Lungs which are not used in full become weak and tender. Do you have sore -places about your chest? Practise inflating your lungs with pure air -through the nostrils,--where God first breathed the breath of life,--and -give room for the lungs to expand, and the "sore places" will all -disappear after a time. See my article on breathing. Put it into steady, -moderate practice, and the result will be beneficial beyond all -conception. - - -CONSUMPTION IS CURABLE. - -"Is it true that consumption of the lungs is ever cured?" is a question -which is often seriously asked. - -"O, yes," I reply. - -"What are the proofs?" - -Where on dissection we find cicatrices,--places in the lungs where -tubercles have existed, sloughing out great cavities, which have healed -all sound, the scar only remaining--what then? Here is positive proof that -consumption had been at work, was repelled by some means, and the patient -had recovered, subsequently dying of some other disease, or from accident. - -Such is the fact in many cases. It is an error--fatal to thousands--to -suppose that the lungs, of all substance in the body, cannot be healed. -Yet it is a fact patent to most educated physicians, that many cases of -consumption are cured in this country, while others are prolonged, and the -patient made comfortable during many years. - -Change of climate may be much towards saving a patient. Before deciding -upon such change, consult your physician. Ought not he to know best? A -climate adapted to one constitution may be quite unsuited to another. What -a wise provision in Providence in giving this little world a variety of -climates! There are certain portions of the States and world where -consumption seldom prevails. The climate of California and the western -prairies, as also some portions of the South away from the coast, is less -conducive of lung and throat diseases than the more bleak and changeable -climate of New England and the Northern States. A change is only -beneficial in those cases where there is a mere deficiency of vitality in -the system. If the disease depends upon a scrofulous or other taint in the -system, one gains little by going from home. Change of climate does not -alter the condition of the system materially, so much as it relieves one -from atmospheric pressure, reducing thereby the demands upon his small -stock of vitality,--just as some places are less expensive in which to -live, and your funds hold out longer. The writer resided in the Southern -States during three cold seasons, and carefully studied the effects of -changes. He has two brothers in California, who, during the past ten -years, have often written respecting the climate west of the Rocky -Mountains. If ever called upon to decide on a climate for a friend or -patient who had determined to change from this, I would advise him, or -her, to select California. - -Do not change too late! going away from home and friends to die among -strangers.... - - -AVOID HUMBUGS. - -Do not run to clairvoyants and spiritual humbugs for advice. A clairvoyant -physician once said to me,-- - -"Mr. So-and-so has just called upon me to learn where he shall spend the -winter. He thinks he has the consumption, and that I can tell him where he -will pass the winter safely. What confounded fools some of these men are, -to be sure!" she exclaimed. "Why, I have got that disease myself (not the -foolish disease, but consumption), and don't know what to do to save my -own life." - -That lady is living in Boston to-day. The gentleman went to St. Thomas, -dying in the hospital in January, amongst strangers, where every dollar he -possessed was stolen from him. - -Nearly all patent medicines are humbugs. Avoid them. Dr. Dio Lewis says -that "the bath-tub is a humbug." I believe him. While you avoid drowning -inside by pouring down drugs, do not exhaust your vitality externally in a -bath-tub. The hand-bath is all-sufficient for consumptives. - - -COD-LIVER OIL AND WHISKEY. - -"Take cod-liver oil and die!" has become proverbial. The oil is utterly -worthless as a medicine, and the whiskey usually recommended to be taken -in connection is decidedly injurious. It is poisonous. I defy one to -obtain a pure article of whiskey in this country. If it could by any means -be obtained in its purity, it would not cure this disease any more than -the nasty oil from fishes' livers. The oil is often given, not as a -medicine, but as an article of nourishment. If the patient so understands -it, all right; it will do no harm; but if he thinks that he is taking a -remedial agent, he is deceived thereby, and losing the precious time in -which he ought to be employing some remedy for his recovery. The -statements that cod-liver oil contains iodine, lime, phosphorus, etc., is -all bosh. A most reliable druggist of this city, who has sold a _ton or -two_ of the oil, told me that "all the iodine or phosphorus that it -contains you might put into your eye, and not injure that organ." - -If good, wholesome bread, butter, milk, eggs, and beef, will not give -nutriment to the wasting system, cod-liver oil will not, and the patient -must die--provided he has trusted to nutriment alone. - -I have never known a consumptive patient to recover upon cod-liver oil. I -have known them to recover by other treatment, particularly by the use of -the phosphates, as "phosphate of lime," and iron, soda, and other -combinations. I have intimated that a patient should be advised by "his -physician;" but if that physician is one of the old-fogy style who insists -upon cod-liver oil and whiskey as a cure, why, you had better "change -horses in crossing a river," than to perish on an old, worn-out hobby! -There are two classes of patients which the doctor has to deal with; one -will follow no instructions accurately, the other swallows everything -literally. - -I remember a story illustrative of the latter. A dyspeptic applied to Dr. -C. for treatment. The doctor looked into the case, gave a prescription, -telling the patient to take it, and return in a fortnight. - -At the designated time he returned, radiant and happy. - -"Did you follow my directions?" inquired the physician. - -"O, yes, to the letter, doctor; and see--I am well!" - -"I have forgotten just what I gave you; let me see the prescription," said -the doctor, delighted at his success. - -"I haven't it. Why, I took it, sir." - -"Took it--the medicine, you mean," explained the man of pills and powders. - -"Medicine? No. You gave me no medicine--nothing but a paper, and I took -that according to directions. That's what cured me." - -The clown had swallowed the recipe! - -The consumptive requires nourishment. He must derive it from wholesome -food,--even fat meats are beneficial,--not from medicines. Let food be one -thing, medicine another. I believe that a man would starve upon cod-liver -oil. He would not upon bread or beef. - - -SIT AND LIE STRAIGHT. - -Go into one of our school-houses, and you may there see subjects preparing -for consumption. Our illustrations will give the reader a correct idea of -our meaning, without any explanation. The sewing-machines, or rather the -position which many girls assume while sitting at their work by them from -three to twelve hours a day, tend to depression of the lungs, obstruction -of circulation, reduction of the vitality, dyspepsia, and sooner or later -lead to consumption. - -[Illustration: A HEALTHY POSITION.] - -Let everybody when walking stand erect, with shoulders slightly thrown -back rather than inclined towards the chest, then outward, and keep the -mouth closed. When sitting, keep the body erect, or lean back slightly, -resting the shoulders, rather than the spinal column, against any -substance excepting feathers, changing the limbs from time to time to any -easy position. If tired, and one can consistently "loll," recline to one -side, resting the cheek upon the hand. If one is very tired, and desires -to "rest fast," sit with the feet and hands crossed or arms folded. - -[Illustration: A CONSUMPTIVE POSITION.] - -If you lie crooked in bed, do it on the side. "To bend up double, man -never was made," says the song. Do not bolster up the head so as to get a -square look at your toes, or, being in a feather bed, till you resemble a -letter C. Rather use but one light curled-hair pillow. It is cool and -healthy. Avoid feather beds and pillows. - -"Didn't your 'grandma sleep during nearly a hundred years' on a feather -bed?" My quizzer has returned, peeped over my shoulder, and asked this -question. Now see me quench him at a swoop. - -"Yes, she did; and I think it probable that if she had not she would have -been living now. My grandmother's good habits, free use of muscle, -sunshine, and air, more than offset the use of mince pies, and the evil of -sleeping on a feather bed in winter." - -I sleep on a hair mattress and pillow the year round. They are the best. - - -CATARRH AND COLD FEET.--HOW TO CURE BOTH. - -Catarrh is peculiarly a Yankee disease. Now, how does a Yankee differ in -his habits from the rest of the world's people? - -Let me tell you wherein he differs. The "five minutes for refreshments" is -an illustration. He hurries, he rushes, he's a talker; and having hurried -unnecessarily, and got himself all in a perspiration, he stops to talk -with a friend on the street, in a current of air, possibly in a puddle of -water, the consequence of which is checked perspiration, a cold, the -catarrh. If the circulation to the skin is checked, that excretory organ -ceases to throw off the waste and worn-out matter of the system, and the -work is thrown upon the mucous membrane, which if failing to perform the -unnatural office, the patient goes into a decline. Set this down as reason -No. 1 for the catarrh being peculiarly a "Yankee disease." - -Chronic catarrh necessarily must be connected with a bad circulation of -the blood, a want of action in the skin, and usually with cold feet. I -must take time to explain these causes of a disease which usually leads to -the more fatal one--consumption. Now we have cold feet and loss of action -in the skin. Result, catarrh, terminating fatal in consumption. - -To keep the feet warm is to restore the circulation. Has your doctor -failed to do this? I fear he did not understand the connection, or the -patient did not follow his instructions. Dip the cold feet into a little -cold water! Is that "too homeopathic?"--cold to cure cold! Never mind, do -it. It feels cold at first. Well, catch them out, rub them vigorously with -a towel, then with the hands, and when quite red, cover them up in bed, or -in stockings and boots. Repeat it daily till cured. Wear thick-soled boots -and shoes always. Meantime, take a dose of the third dilution of sulphur -mornings, or at ten A. M., and the third trituration of calcarea-carbonica -at early bedtime. - -To restore the loss of circulation to the skin, meantime--for they must -both be cured together--take a daily hand-bath; that is, with the hand and -in a comfortable room, apply a dose of castile or Windsor soap to the -skin, half of the person at a time, if the weather is cool,--avoiding a -current of air,--then, with cool or cold water, _and the hand only_, wash -rapidly over the surface, following quickly with a dry towel and the dry -hand, till warm. Cover the upper extremity, and proceed to wash the other -portion of the body in the same manner. I really believe that there are -individuals with such peculiar temperaments, or low state of the blood, -that they cannot bear cold water. See to it that it is not fear, or habit, -which prevents its use, before abandoning a remedy of such curative -powers. - -Now, there is no other way under heaven whereby man can be saved from -catarrh than this which I have here given. If the patient requires further -medical treatment, he or she surely requires this, else there is no -catarrh in the case. - -"But can't you give me some snuff, doctor?" - -Snuffs and nasal injections are humbugs. They will not cure a chronic -catarrh. The sugar and gum arabic powder is excellent for the local -irritation. That is all any local remedy can reach. Thousands of dollars -are expended annually for "Catarrh Remedies," which never cured a case -yet, but have been the death of thousands, by aggravating and prolonging -the disease. - -Indigestion and "a goneness at the stomach" not unusually accompany the -above disease. In addition to the instructions here given, rubbing and -slapping the region of the stomach with water and the hand, and taking -small quantities of extract gentian, orange-peel, dock, and ginger, equal -parts, twice daily, following the directions regarding slow eating and -cheerfulness, will eventually remove the distressing disease. - - -OTHER THINGS TO BE AVOIDED. - -For consumption, the old-fogy treatment by squills, ipecac, laudanum, and -the host of expectorants, is worthless. One of the fatalities in this -disease has been the sticking to these useless medicines by a certain -class of physicians and patients. - -Use no tobacco. If tight-lacing and confined habits, as want of air and -exercise, have been conducive to the development of consumption in -females, more repulsive habits have led to catarrhal affections, -destruction of the vitality, and finally to consumption in many of the -opposite sex. Does the mother, by habits which injure her health, -jeopardize the life and health of her offspring? The husband and father, -by the debasing and health-destroying habit of tobacco-using, injures both -mother and child. The description which I have given in the article on -tobacco, respecting cleansing the young man, and purifying him fit for -society, is no joke! The clothes, skin, blood, muscle, and bones,--even -the seminal fluid,--of the confirmed tobacco-user, all are impregnated -with tobacco poison. Does any one question but something of this virus is -transmitted to the offspring? Further, I have known many a wife to become -tobacco-diseased,--nervous, yellow, sick at the stomach, dyspeptic, -neuralgic, etc.,--suffering untold horrors, from lying, night after night, -during year in and year out, beside a great, filthy, tobacco-plant of a -husband! - -Perhaps some sensitive gentleman--user of the weed of course--may object -to my way of putting it. Sound truths, like sound meat, require no -mincing. We know that children, sleeping constantly with elderly people, -become prematurely old and infirm. We know also that nurses and others, -sleeping with perpetual invalids, imbibe their diseases. The skin of the -tobacco-user is continually giving off the tobacco poison--_nicotine_--and -the more susceptible skin of the female, or child, by its absorbent -powers, is as continually taking in this poison. There are many -tobacco-users, who, if they knew this fact, would for this reason, if no -other, abandon the injurious and sinful habit; would not want to continue -a habit--be it never so slavish--which, aside from its injury to -themselves, was destroying the health and lives of his wife and his -children. - -Tobacco exhausts the saliva, the fluids, the blood, often the muscle, _and -destroys the recuperative powers of the human system_. It weakens the -power of the heart. Nine tenths of the reported deaths from "heart -disease" really originate, or result directly from the effects of -tobacco-using. And, finally, it destroys the good effects of nearly all -medicines. I positively affirm that no patient afflicted with a chronic -disease can recover by the use of medicines if he continues the excessive -use of tobacco. - -I think these are good and conclusive reasons why one should not use that -pernicious weed--tobacco. - -Avoid all excesses, particularly of coition. Consumptives should husband -all their resources. One other way of doing this is to keep from wasting -the breath and caloric of the system through the mouth. Again, I say, -breathe only through the nostrils. Keep out of crowded and unventilated -halls, school-rooms, churches, and houses. Air! air and sunshine! don't -forget them. - -Avoid patent medicines. They are worthless. Even if one in a thousand were -adapted to the _disease_ in question, it might not be to the peculiar -constitution of the invalid. - -People are so differently constituted that one kind of food, clothing, or -medicine cannot be adapted to all. I wish that I could tell every reader -of these pages what remedies are adapted to persons suffering from not -only consumption, but from a hundred other diseases. But it is impossible, -as intimated in the fore part of this chapter. Not only the quality of a -medicine suited to one constitution may not be at all suited to another, -but the quantity is even as uncertain. It requires much knowledge and long -experience in the disease, and its various peculiarities, as also of the -varied constitution and idiosyncrasies of different patients, in order to -prescribe successfully. - -As the majority of the readers of this work are predisposed to -consumption, let them seek to prevent its development in their systems. -The writer has done this; he has told you in plain terms how it was done, -how it still can be; but it is you who must believe in and abide by these -instructions. Do this, and you will scarcely require to obtain and retain -the knowledge of a thousand remedies and a complete knowledge of yourself, -which it requires a lifetime of practice and study to possess. - -Dr. Worcester Beach, of New York, in one of his botanical works, tells of -a country-woman who, having been given up as incurable with consumption, -gathered and boiled together all the different kinds of herbs and barks -which she could find upon the farm, and making this decoction into a -syrup, drank of it freely, and was cured thereby! I would not recommend -this empirical sort of practice, but quote it to show the uncertainty of -what medicine was adapted to the case. - -[Illustration] - - - - -XXXIV. - -ACCIDENTS. - - RULES FOR MACHINISTS, MECHANICS, RAILROAD MEN, ETC., IN CASES OF - ACCIDENT.--HOW TO FIND AN ARTERY AND STOP THE BLEEDING.--DROWNING; TO - RESTORE.--SUN-STROKE.--AVOID ICE.--"ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN."--WHAT TO - HAVE IN THE HOUSE.--BRUISES.--BURNS.--DO THE BEST YOU CAN, AND TRUST - GOD FOR THE REST. - - -Mechanics, machinists, railroad men, etc., may find the following rules of -the most vital importance in case of accidents, whereby valuable lives may -be saved:-- - -1. When a person is seriously injured, do not crowd around him; give him -air. - -2. Send for a surgeon or physician at once. - -[Illustration: FIG. 1.] - -3. Lay the patient on his back, and ascertain whether he is bleeding. If -it is from the artery of the fore-arm, it must be compressed immediately. -If from the _artery_, the blood will _spurt out in jets_. Do not try to -stanch the blood at the wound, but find the main artery. Strip the arm, -feel for the artery, a little below the arm-pit, _just inside_ of the -_large muscle_. (Fig. 1.) _You can feel it throb._ Press it with your -thumbs or fingers, while an assistant folds a large handkerchief, or piece -of shirt, if necessary, and ties a knot in the middle, or places a _flat_, -_round_ stone in it, puts this over the artery, ties the handkerchief -below the thumbs, puts a stick through, and twists it just tight enough -to stop the bleeding. (Fig. 2.) The first man may relax his grasp, to -ascertain if the compress is sufficiently tight. If you get the knot (or -stone) on the artery, a few twists will check the blood. If the limb -becomes cold and purple, you have got it too tight. One end of the stick -may be tucked under the bandage to hold it from untwisting. The surgeon -will arrive and take up the bleeding vessel and tie it. - -[Illustration: FIG. 2.] - -4. If it be the leg which is cut or mangled and bleeding, find the artery, -inside the thigh, quite high up, back of the large muscle. (Fig. 3.) Bear -on quite hard, for it is deeper than in the arm, till you feel it throb. -Compress it hard, and proceed with the bandage as above directed for the -arm. The large artery (femoral) bleeds fast. Work quickly, and do not get -excited. - -[Illustration: FIG. 3.] - -A schoolmate of mine died in a few moments, in a blacksmith shop, from a -piece of steel flying into his leg. If the smith had known this simple -process, stripped the boy, and compressed the artery till help arrived, he -would have saved a life, an only son, the support and solace of a widowed -mother. - -5. If the wound is much below the knee, find the artery (Fig. 4.) in the -hollow back of the knee (_popliteal space_), and proceed as above -directed. - -[Illustration: FIG. 4.] - -6. If a wound is not of an artery, that is, if the blood does not spurt -out, bandaging the wound may do till the doctor arrives. - -7. If the shock has prostrated the patient, give him a teaspoonful of -brandy or other liquor--always provided he has not been drinking. Many -accidents occur in consequence of liquor-drinking. If the patient is cold, -faint, and prostrate, wrap him or her up warm, placing hot bricks, or jugs -of hot water, at the feet. When he can swallow, some hot tea, or soup, may -be given, if necessary. - -8. If the patient has delirium tremens, give him strong coffee. - -9. To remove an injured person, do not call a carriage, but take a -shutter, or board, or door, throw your coats upon it, and tenderly place -him thereon. Carry him carefully. Don't keep step in walking; he will ride -easier without. - -10. If a patient faints, give him air. Let him lie on the back. Wipe the -face with a little water. A little camphor in water may be applied to the -face and temples, provided he has not been using it already to excess. -Camphor, used excessively, may keep one faint a long time. Let the clothes -be loosened. Keep cool, and wait. - -11. Avoid all rude and alarming conversation around the patient. When he -recovers a little, do not press around and confuse him with questions of -"What can I do for you?" etc. _Let him rest._ - -12. If a person has been under water, _don't roll him to get the water out -of him. There is no water there beyond the mouth._ The life has been -rolled out of many a poor wretch, over a barrel, under this foolish -delusion of "getting the water out of him." Lay him on his side, in a warm -room, or in the sun. Try to inflate the lungs. Don't get a "bellows," and -blow him full of wind. He is not like a bladder, or a balloon, that he -needs inflating thus. To breathe is what he needs. Let the water, if any, -in the mouth, run out. Wrap him warm--hot water at feet. Rub the limbs, if -cold, for a long time. Persevere. Do not give him up until a good -physician has arrived, and pronounced him beyond all hope of recovery. - - -SUN-STROKE (COUP DE SOLEIL). - -The "ounce of prevention" must first be considered in this case. - -1. All who can should keep in the shade during the extreme heat of the -summer days. You who must "bear the heat and burden of the day" may not be -able always to avoid the direct rays of the scorching sun. Wide-rimmed -palm or straw hats should be worn, and when the noonday sun pours down its -sultry beams, wet the hair, or keep a green leaf, or wet handkerchief, in -your hat. This will surely prevent sun-stroke, by the evaporation of -moisture. If away in the field, swinging the scythe, or with spade -levelling the "everlasting hills," and no water is near, place some green -grass or damp earth in the hat,--any way to avoid sun-stroke and sudden -death! - -2. You will see, every summer, a paragraph in the newspapers recommending -the application of ice to the head in case of threatened sun-stroke, or -after sun-stroke. Do not believe all you see in the papers. Just sit down -and reason a moment. Think of the great, extreme transition from the -powerful heat of the sun's rays on the brain to that of the application of -_ice_! It requires but little thought to convince one that the extreme -contrast must give such a shock to the brain (or blood therein) as nature -cannot resist. Did you ever know a patient to recover from sun-stroke when -ice had been applied to his head? _I think not._ - -I have known one to recover from warm, moist applications. Let the head be -kept wet (moist) with tepid water, and covered over by a dry cloth. He -cannot swallow. Do not choke him by villanous whiskey poured into the -mouth. Having placed him in a warm bed, removed his clothes, and made him -comfortable, send for a physician. - - -"ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN." - -Yes, and every family should be prepared for them. - -1. As a remedy against fatal results, in severe cases, and for deliverance -from pain, even in smaller accidents, every family should keep in the -house an ounce bottle of tincture of arnica, the cost of which is -trifling. Keep it well labelled, and out of the reach of children. To -drink it is injurious. - -2. For a bruise, or any injury, put half a teaspoonful of the arnica into -a teacupful of tepid water, and bathe tenderly the wound. Then wet a cloth -in the liquid, bind it on with a dry cloth outside to exclude the air. -When dry, if pain or tenderness remains, renew the application. This will -soon reduce any "bump" on your little ones' heads, except a real -phrenological "bump." A woman once brought a boy to my office, to have me -give her some "liniment for a bad bump on the child's head," showing me -the place. - -"Madam," I said, "I think a considerable persuasion, with plenty of -patient kindness, will do more than medicine to reduce that bump. It is -called, by phrenologists, 'firmness.' By the development, I should judge -that the boy was very stubborn." - -3. For burns and scalds, keep in the house a vial of tincture of urtica -urens. Apply it to burns as above directed for wounds. When the smarting -ceases, and the wound is whitish, omit it, and dress the wound with a -little mutton tallow on a linen cloth. - -Keep no patent medicines about; then you will be less likely to be dosing -with them. It is hard to tell what are good, and do not make a medical -depot of your stomach to ascertain. - -The individual who is continually dabbling in medicines is a perpetual -invalid, from the result of such everlasting dosing. - -If you regard the concise, yet sufficient, instructions for preserving -health laid down herein, particularly after noting the hints thrown out -all through the body of the book, you will annually have less and less -occasion for the use of medicines. - -When you actually think you require a physician, get the best,--the best -article is the cheapest in the end,--and abide by his counsel. I have told -you of some remarkable characters in the history of medicine; but the harp -and flowing locks of Apollo, the caduceus of Mercury, the staff of -AEsculapius, the hoary beard of Hippocrates, the baton of De Sault, the -three-tailed wig of Atkins, the silken coat and charming address of Dr. -Reynolds, the gay equipage of Hannes, the library of Radcliffe, or the -knowing nods and significant silence of some of the more modern doctors, -will avail nothing in the time of great danger and distress. - -It is the truly kind-hearted, humane, and educated physician upon whom you -must depend in your time of need. Seek such. There are yet many; humanity -is not a thing entirely of the past. Who loses faith in humanity has lost -it in God. Do the best your circumstances allow in all things,-- - - "Angels can no more,"-- - -receiving all afflictions cheerfully, looking hopefully to God for his -blessing, which faileth not, in all the walks of "this life and in that -which is to come." - -[Illustration] - - - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[1] Small door or window, through which to receive night calls, etc. - -[2] The art of embalming was known, and even practised by "servants," -translated or called physicians, or sometimes apothecaries (or "by his -arts"), four thousand years ago. Jacob, Joseph, Asa, and others were -embalmed. The Egyptians were early versed in this art, which now is -almost, or entirely, lost. - -[3] Dover's Powder. - -[4] See Frontispiece. - -[5] This illustrates our "Origin of Ghosts." - -[6] An Irishman, who was once asked why the parents of Christ were obliged -to lodge in a stable on the night of the Saviour's birth, replied, "And -weren't the inns full of the crowd, who had gone up before to celebrate -Christmas?" - -[7] The writer was fortunately born on Christmas (Sabbath) day. He hopes -the publishers will present his picture in this book to prove his -"fairness," and let the wisdom of these pages prove the remainder. - -[8] The medical man in quest of a curiosity will be gratified by looking -on page 228 of Hastings' Surgery, where he will find the head and face of -a female engraved on the nude body of a male. I discovered it -accidentally, but how such an _error_ (?) could have occurred I cannot -say. - -[9] Casa Wappy, a self-conferred, pet name of the little boy. - -[10] ESQUIMAUX HOSPITALITY.--Dr. Kane relates that one day, worn out by -fatigue, he turned into an Esquimaux hut to get a little sleep. His -good-natured hostess covered him up with some of her own habiliments, and -gave him her baby for a pillow; which, Dr. Spooner says, was a living -illustration of the kindness of woman. - - - - -Transcriber's Notes: - -Passages in italics are indicated by _italics_. - -The original text includes the prescription symbol that is represented as -[R] in this text version. - - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Funny Side of Physic, by A. D. 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