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@@ -1,39 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Lyre and Lancet, by F. Anstey - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Lyre and Lancet - A Story in Scenes - -Author: F. Anstey - -Release Date: December 9, 2012 [EBook #41589] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LYRE AND LANCET *** - - - - -Produced by David Clarke, JoAnn Greenwood, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) - - - - - - - - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41589 *** LYRE AND LANCET @@ -43,7 +8,7 @@ by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) F. ANSTEY AUTHOR OF - "VICE VERSA," "THE GIANT'S ROBE," "VOCES POPULI," ETC. + "VICE VERSÂ," "THE GIANT'S ROBE," "VOCES POPULI," ETC. LONDON: @@ -91,7 +56,7 @@ CONTENTS XIII. WHAT'S IN A NAME? 130 - XIV. LE VETERINAIRE MALGRE LUI 141 + XIV. LE VÉTÉRINAIRE MALGRÉ LUI 141 XV. TRAPPED! 152 @@ -498,7 +463,7 @@ his idea of "Abasement." [_He reads._ "With matted head a-dabble in the dust, - And eyes tear-sealed in a saline crust, + And eyes tear-sealèd in a saline crust, I lie all loathly in my rags and rust-- Yet learn that strange delight may lurk in self-disgust." @@ -553,7 +518,7 @@ called "A Trumpet Blast." Sit tight, everybody! "Pale Patricians, sunk in self-indulgence, (One for _you_, dear Archie!) - Blink your bleared eyes. (Blink, pretty creatures, blink!) Behold + Blink your blearèd eyes. (Blink, pretty creatures, blink!) Behold the Sun-- Burst proclaim, in purpurate effulgence, Demos dawning, and the Darkness--done!" @@ -1274,7 +1239,7 @@ coming up along with your ladyships, I mean! _Lady Cantire_ (_snappishly_). Intrusion! I never heard such nonsense! Did you expect to be asked to run behind? You really mustn't be so ridiculously modest. As if your _Andromeda_ hadn't procured you the -_entree_ everywhere! +_entrée_ everywhere! [_The omnibus starts._ @@ -2218,7 +2183,7 @@ well enough--for that class of person. And it is intellect, soul, all that kind of thing that _I_ value. I look _below_ the surface, and I find a great deal that is very original and charming in this young man. And surely, my dear, if I find myself able to associate with him, -_you_ need not be so fastidious! I consider him my _protege_, and I +_you_ need not be so fastidious! I consider him my _protégé_, and I won't have him slighted. He is far too good for Vivien Spelwane! _Lady Culverin_ (_with just a suspicion of malice_). Perhaps, Rohesia, @@ -2550,7 +2515,7 @@ _Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself_). I should like her to see that I've got some imagination in me, though she _does_ think me such an ass. (_Aloud, to_ Lady MAISIE.) Jolly old hall this is, with the banners, and the gallery, and that--makes you fancy some of those old -mediaeval Johnnies in armour--knights, you know--comin' clankin' in and +mediæval Johnnies in armour--knights, you know--comin' clankin' in and turnin' us all out. _Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). I do trust Mr. Spurrell isn't saying @@ -3325,7 +3290,7 @@ dish of quails just put on, too, that they haven't even touched upstairs! _M. Ridevos._ It is for zat I do not remmain! Zey 'ave not toch him; -my pyramide, result of a genius stupend, enorme! to zem he is +my pyramide, result of a genius stupend, énorme! to zem he is nossing; zey retturn him to crash me! To-morrow I demmand zat miladi accept my demission. _Ici je souffre trop!_ @@ -3463,7 +3428,7 @@ me, and you shall see him at once. PART XIV -LE VETERINAIRE MALGRE LUI +LE VÉTÉRINAIRE MALGRÉ LUI _Outside the Stables at Wyvern._ TIME--_About_ 10 P.M. @@ -4469,7 +4434,7 @@ bargain for that. Poetry's altogether out of my line! _Mistress o' mine! or glamour it green_. One last long kiss, ere I seek the fray ... _Mistress o' mine! though I quit my sell_, - I would meet the foe i' the mad melee. + I would meet the foe i' the mad mêlée. _Mistress o' mine! an' I were but well!_" (_After the murmur of conventional appreciation has died away._) Well, @@ -5339,7 +5304,7 @@ Undershell--fine old monuments and brasses, if you care about that sort of thing. Some of us will be walking over to service presently, if you would like to---- -_Undershell_ (_outside--to himself_). And lose my _tete-a-tete_ with +_Undershell_ (_outside--to himself_). And lose my _tête-à -tête_ with Lady Maisie! Not exactly! (_Aloud._) I am afraid, Sir Rupert, that I cannot conscientiously---- @@ -6073,10 +6038,10 @@ should have given yourself such unnecessary trouble. _Undershell_ (_detaining her, as she seemed about to pass on_). I have another piece of intelligence which you may hear -less--er--philosophically, Lady Maisie. Your _bete noire_ has +less--er--philosophically, Lady Maisie. Your _bête noire_ has returned. -_Lady Maisie_ (_with lifted eyebrows_). My _bete noire_, Mr. Blair? +_Lady Maisie_ (_with lifted eyebrows_). My _bête noire_, Mr. Blair? _Undershell._ Why affect not to understand? I have an infallible instinct in all matters concerning _you_, and, sweetly tolerant as you @@ -6391,7 +6356,7 @@ AND OTHER TALES. thoroughly clever and witty, often pathetic, and always humorous." - From THE ATHENAEUM.--"The grimmest of mortals, in his most + From THE ATHENÆUM.--"The grimmest of mortals, in his most surly mood, could hardly resist the fun of 'The Talking Horse.'" @@ -6428,7 +6393,7 @@ THE PARIAH. _CHEAP EDITION_, Crown 8vo, limp red cloth, 2_s._ 6_d._ -VICE VERSA; +VICE VERSÂ; OR, A LESSON TO FATHERS. @@ -6438,7 +6403,7 @@ OR, A LESSON TO FATHERS. or a jest book, or a tomfool book, but a perfectly sober and serious book, in the reading of which a sober man may laugh without shame from beginning to end, it is the book called - 'Vice Versa; or, a Lesson to Fathers.'... We close the book, + 'Vice Versâ; or, a Lesson to Fathers.'... We close the book, recommending it very earnestly to all fathers in the first instance, and their sons, nephews, uncles, and male cousins next." @@ -6449,7 +6414,7 @@ _CHEAP EDITION_, Crown 8vo, limp red cloth, 2_s._ 6_d._ A FALLEN IDOL. From THE TIMES.--"Mr. Anstey's new story will delight the - multitudinous public that laughed over 'Vice Versa'.... The + multitudinous public that laughed over 'Vice Versâ'.... The boy who brings the accursed image to Champion's house, Mr. Bales, the artist's factotum, and above all Mr. Yarker, the ex-butler who has turned policeman, are figures whom it is as @@ -6479,361 +6444,4 @@ Italic font is indicated by _underscores_ (text version only). End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Lyre and Lancet, by F. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Lyre and Lancet - A Story in Scenes - -Author: F. Anstey - -Release Date: December 9, 2012 [EBook #41589] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LYRE AND LANCET *** - - - - -Produced by David Clarke, JoAnn Greenwood, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) - - - - - - - - - - LYRE AND LANCET - - _A STORY IN SCENES_ - - BY - F. ANSTEY - - AUTHOR OF - "VICE VERSÂ," "THE GIANT'S ROBE," "VOCES POPULI," ETC. - - - LONDON: - SMITH, ELDER & CO., 15, WATERLOO PLACE. - 1895. - - (_All rights reserved._) - - - - -_Reprinted from "Punch" by permission of the Proprietors._ - - - - -CONTENTS - - - PART PAGE - - I. SHADOWS CAST BEFORE 1 - - II. SELECT PASSAGES FROM A COMING POET 11 - - III. THE TWO ANDROMEDAS 21 - - IV. RUSHING TO CONCLUSIONS 31 - - V. CROSS PURPOSES 42 - - VI. ROUND PEGS IN SQUARE HOLES 53 - - VII. IGNOTUM PRO MIRIFICO 64 - - VIII. SURPRISES--AGREEABLE AND OTHERWISE 76 - - IX. THE MAUVAIS QUART D'HEURE 87 - - X. BORROWED PLUMES 98 - - XI. TIME AND THE HOUR 109 - - XII. DIGNITY UNDER DIFFICULTIES 119 - - XIII. WHAT'S IN A NAME? 130 - - XIV. LE VÉTÉRINAIRE MALGRÉ LUI 141 - - XV. TRAPPED! 152 - - XVI. AN INTELLECTUAL PRIVILEGE 163 - - XVII. A BOMB SHELL 174 - - XVIII. THE LAST STRAW 184 - - XIX. UNEARNED INCREMENT 194 - - XX. DIFFERENT PERSONS HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS 204 - - XXI. THE FEELINGS OF A MOTHER 213 - - XXII. A DESCENT FROM THE CLOUDS 224 - - XXIII. SHRINKAGE 234 - - XXIV. THE HAPPY DISPATCH 244 - - - - -CHARACTERS - - - GALFRID UNDERSHELL (_a minor poet_). - JAMES SPURRELL, M.R.C.V.S. - THE COUNTESS OF CANTIRE. - LADY MAISIE MULL (_her daughter_). - SIR RUPERT CULVERIN. - LADY CULVERIN. - LADY RHODA COKAYNE. - MRS. BROOKE-CHATTERIS. - MISS SPELWANE. - THE BISHOP OF BIRCHESTER. - LORD LULLINGTON. - LADY LULLINGTON. - MRS. EARWAKER. - THE HONOURABLE BERTIE PILLINER. - CAPTAIN THICKNESSE. - ARCHIE BEARPARK. - MR. SHORTHORN. - DRYSDALE (_a journalist_). - TANRAKE (_a job-master_). - EMMA PHILLIPSON (_maid to_ LADY CANTIRE). - MRS. POMFRET (_housekeeper at Wyvern Court_). - MISS STICKLER (_maid to_ LADY CULVERIN). - MISS DOLMAN (_maid to_ LADY RHODA COKAYNE). - MLLE. CHIFFON (_maid to_ MISS SPELWANE). - M. RIDEVOS (_chef at Wyvern_). - TREDWELL (_butler at Wyvern_). - STEPTOE (_valet to_ SIR RUPERT CULVERIN). - THOMAS (_a footman_). - ADAMS (_stud-groom_). - CHECKLEY (_head coachman_). - Steward's Room Boy, etc. - - - - -LYRE AND LANCET - -A STORY IN SCENES - - - - -PART I - -SHADOWS CAST BEFORE - - - _In_ Sir RUPERT CULVERIN'S _Study at Wyvern Court. It is a - rainy Saturday morning in February._ Sir RUPERT _is at his - writing-table, as_ Lady CULVERIN _enters with a deprecatory - air_. - -_Lady Culverin._ So _here_ you are, Rupert! Not _very_ busy, are you? -I won't keep you a moment. (_She goes to a window._) Such a nuisance -it's turning out wet, with all these people in the house, isn't it? - -_Sir Rupert._ Well, I was thinking that, as there's nothing doing out -of doors, I might get a chance to knock off some of these confounded -accounts, but--(_resignedly_)--if you think I ought to go and look -after---- - -_Lady Culverin._ No, no; the men are playing billiards, and the women -are in the morning-room--_they_'re all right. I only wanted to ask you -about to-night. You know the Lullingtons, and the dear Bishop and Mrs. -Rodney, and one or two other people are coming to dinner? Well, who -ought to take in Rohesia? - -_Sir Rupert_ (_in dismay_). Rohesia! No idea she was coming down this -week! - -_Lady Culverin._ Yes, by the 4.45. With dear Maisie. Surely you knew -that? - -_Sir Rupert._ In a sort of way; didn't realize it was so near, that's -all. - -_Lady Culverin._ It's some time since we had her last. And she wanted -to come. I didn't think you would like me to write and put her off. - -_Sir Rupert._ Put her off? Of course I shouldn't, Albinia. If my only -sister isn't welcome at Wyvern at any time--I say at _any_ time--where -the deuce is she welcome? - -_Lady Culverin._ I don't know, dear Rupert. But--but about the table? - -_Sir Rupert._ So long as you don't put her near me--that's all _I_ -care about. - -_Lady Culverin._ I mean--ought I to send her in with Lord Lullington, -or the Bishop? - -_Sir Rupert._ Why not let 'em toss up? Loser gets her, of course. - -_Lady Culverin._ _Rupert!_ As if I could suggest such a thing to the -Bishop! I suppose she'd better go in with Lord Lullington--he's Lord -Lieutenant--and then it won't matter if she _does_ advocate -Disestablishment. Oh, but I forgot; she thinks the House of Lords -ought to be abolished _too_! - -_Sir Rupert._ Whoever takes Rohesia in is likely to have a time of it. -Talked poor Cantire into his tomb a good ten years before he was due -there. Always lecturing, and domineering, and laying down the law, as -long as _I_ can remember her. Can't stand Rohesia--never could! - -_Lady Culverin._ I don't think you ought to say so, really, Rupert. -And I'm sure _I_ get on very well with her--generally. - -_Sir Rupert._ Because you knock under to her. - -_Lady Culverin._ I'm sure I don't, Rupert--at least, no more than -everybody else. Dear Rohesia is so strong-minded and advanced and all -that, she takes such an interest in all the new movements and things, -that she can't understand contradiction; she is so democratic in her -ideas, don't you know. - -_Sir Rupert._ Didn't prevent her marrying Cantire. And a democratic -Countess--it's downright unnatural! - -_Lady Culverin._ She believes it's her duty to set an example and meet -the People half-way. That reminds me--did I tell you Mr. Clarion Blair -is coming down this evening, too?--only till Monday, Rupert. - -_Sir Rupert._ Clarion Blair! never heard of him. - -_Lady Culverin._ I suppose I forgot. Clarion Blair isn't his _real_ -name, though; it's only a--an alias. - -_Sir Rupert._ Don't see what any fellow wants with an alias. What _is_ -his real name? - -_Lady Culverin._ Well, I know it was _something_ ending in "ell," but -I mislaid his letter. Still, Clarion Blair is the name he writes -under; he's a poet, Rupert, and quite celebrated, so I'm told. - -_Sir Rupert_ (_uneasily_). A poet! What on earth possessed you to ask -a literary fellow down _here_? Poetry isn't much in our way; and a -poet _will_ be, confoundedly! - - [Illustration: "WHAT ON EARTH POSSESSED YOU TO ASK A LITERARY - FELLOW DOWN HERE?"] - -_Lady Culverin._ I really couldn't help it, Rupert. Rohesia insisted -on my having him to meet her. She likes meeting clever and interesting -people. And this Mr. Blair, it seems, has just written a volume of -verses which are finer than anything that's been done since--well, for -_ages_! - -_Sir Rupert._ What sort of verses? - -_Lady Culverin._ Well, they're charmingly bound. I've got the book in -the house, somewhere. Rohesia told me to send for it; but I haven't -had time to read it yet. - -_Sir Rupert._ Shouldn't be surprised if Rohesia hadn't, either. - -_Lady Culverin._ At all events, she's heard it talked about. The young -man's verses have made quite a sensation; they're so dreadfully clever -and revolutionary, and morbid and pessimistic, and all that, so she -made me promise to ask him down here to meet her! - -_Sir Rupert._ Devilish thoughtful of her. - -_Lady Culverin._ Wasn't it? She thought it might be a valuable -experience for him; he's sprung, I believe, from _quite_ the -middle-class. - -_Sir Rupert._ Don't see myself why he should be sprung on _us_. Why -can't Rohesia ask him to one of her own places? - -_Lady Culverin._ I dare say she will, if he turns out to be quite -presentable. And, of course, he _may_, Rupert, for anything we can -tell. - -_Sir Rupert._ Then you've never seen him yourself! How did you manage -to ask him here, then? - -_Lady Culverin._ Oh, I wrote to him through his publishers. Rohesia -says that's the usual way with literary persons one doesn't happen to -have met. And he wrote to say he would come. - -_Sir Rupert._ So we're to have a morbid revolutionary poet staying in -the house, are we? He'll come down to dinner in a flannel shirt and no -tie--or else a _red_ one--if he don't bring down a beastly bomb and -try to blow us all up! You'll find you've made a mistake, Albinia, -depend upon it. - -_Lady Culverin._ Dear Rupert, aren't you just a little bit _narrow_? -You forget that nowadays the very best houses are proud to entertain -Genius--no matter _what_ their opinions and appearance may be. And -besides, we don't know what changes may be coming. Surely it is wise -and prudent to conciliate the clever young men who might inflame the -masses against us. Rohesia thinks so; she says it may be our only -chance of stemming the rising tide of Revolution, Rupert! - -_Sir Rupert._ Oh, if Rohesia thinks a revolution can be stemmed by -asking a few poets down from Saturday to Monday, she might do _her_ -share of the stemming at all events. - -_Lady Culverin._ But you will be _nice_ to him, Rupert, won't you? - -_Sir Rupert._ I don't know that I'm in the habit of being uncivil to -any guest of yours in this house, my dear, but I'll be hanged if I -_grovel_ to him, you know; the tide ain't as high as all that. But -it's an infernal nuisance, 'pon my word it is; you must look after him -yourself. _I_ can't. I don't know what to talk to geniuses about; I've -forgotten all the poetry I ever learnt. And if he comes out with any -of his Red Republican theories in _my_ hearing, why---- - -_Lady Culverin._ Oh, but he _won't_, dear. I'm certain he'll be quite -mild and inoffensive. Look at Shakespeare--the bust, I mean--and _he_ -began as a poacher! - -_Sir Rupert._ Ah, and this chap would put down the Game Laws if he -could, I dare say; do away with everything that makes the country -worth living in. Why, if he had his way, Albinia, there wouldn't -be---- - -_Lady Culverin._ I know, dear, I know. And you must make him see all -that from _your_ point. Look, the weather really seems to be clearing -a little. We might all of us get out for a drive or something after -lunch. I would ride, if Deerfoot's all right again; he's the only -horse I ever feel _really_ safe upon, now. - -_Sir Rupert._ Sorry, my dear, but you'll have to drive then. Adams -tells me the horse is as lame as ever this morning, and he don't know -what to make of it. He suggested having Horsfall over, but I've no -faith in the local vets myself, so I wired to town for old Spavin. -He's seen Deerfoot before, and we could put him up for a night or two. -(_To_ TREDWELL, _the butler, who enters with a telegram_.) Eh, for me? -just wait, will you, in case there's an answer. (_As he opens it._) -Ah, this _is_ from Spavin--h'm, nuisance! "Regret unable to leave at -present, bronchitis, junior partner could attend immediately if -required.--Spavin." Never knew he _had_ a partner. - -_Tredwell._ I did hear, Sir Rupert, as Mr. Spavin was looking out for -one quite recent, being hasthmatical, m'lady, and so I suppose this is -him as the telegram alludes to. - -_Sir Rupert._ Very likely. Well, he's sure to be a competent man. We'd -better have him, eh, Albinia? - -_Lady Culverin._ Oh yes, and he must stay till Deerfoot's better. I'll -speak to Pomfret about having a room ready in the East Wing for him. -Tell him to come by the 4.45, Rupert. We shall be sending the omnibus -in to meet that. - -_Sir Rupert._ All right, I've told him. (_Giving the form to_ -TREDWELL.) See that that's sent off at once, please. (_After_ TREDWELL -_has left_.) By the way, Albinia, Rohesia may kick up a row if she -has to come up in the omnibus with a vet, eh? - -_Lady Culverin._ Goodness, so she might! but he needn't go _inside_. -Still, if it goes on raining like this--I'll tell Thomas to order a -fly for him at the station, and then there _can't_ be any bother about -it. - - - - -PART II - -SELECT PASSAGES FROM A COMING POET - - - _In the Morning Room at Wyvern._ Lady RHODA COKAYNE, Mrs. - BROOKE-CHATTERIS, _and_ Miss VIVIEN SPELWANE _are comfortably - established near the fireplace. The_ HON. BERTIE PILLINER, - Captain THICKNESSE, _and_ ARCHIE BEARPARK, _have just drifted - in_. - -_Miss Spelwane._ Why, you _don't_ mean to say you've torn yourselves -away from your beloved billiards already? _Quite_ wonderful! - -_Bertie Pilliner._ It's too _horrid_ of you to leave us to play all by -ourselves! We've all got so cross and fractious we've come in here to -be petted! - - [_He arranges himself at her feet, so as to exhibit a very - neat pair of silk socks and pumps._ - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself_). Do hate to see a fellow come down -in the mornin' with evenin' shoes on! - -_Archie Bearpark_ (_to_ BERTIE PILLINER). You speak for yourself, -Pillener. _I_ didn't come to be petted. Came to see if Lady Rhoda -wouldn't come and toboggan down the big staircase on a tea-tray. _Do!_ -It's clinkin' sport! - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself_). If there's one thing I _can't_ -stand, it's a rowdy bullyraggin' ass like Archie! - -_Lady Rhoda Cokayne._ Ta muchly, dear boy, but you don't catch me -travellin' downstairs on a tea-tray _twice_--it's just a bit _too_ -clinkin', don't you know! - -_Archie Bearpark_ (_disappointed_). Why, there's a mat at the bottom -of the stairs! Well, if you won't, let's get up a cushion fight, then. -Bertie and I will choose sides. Pilliner, I'll toss you for first pick -up--come out of that, do. - -_Bertie Pilliner_ (_lazily_). Thanks, I'm much too comfy where I am. -And I don't see any point in romping and rumpling one's hair just -before lunch. - -_Archie Bearpark._ Well, you _are_ slack. And there's a good hour -still before lunch. Thicknesse, _you_ suggest something, there's a -dear old chap. - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_after a mental effort_). Suppose we all go and -have another look round at the gees--eh, what? - -_Bertie Pilliner._ I beg to oppose. Do let's show _some_ respect for -the privacy of the British hunter. Why should I go and smack them on -their fat backs, and feel every one of their horrid legs twice in one -morning? I shouldn't like a horse coming into my bedroom at all hours -to smack _me_ on the back. I should _hate_ it! - -_Mrs. Brooke-Chatteris._ I love them--dear things! But still, it's so -wet, and it would mean going up and changing our shoes too--perhaps -Lady Rhoda---- - - [Lady RHODA _flatly declines to stir before lunch_. - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_resentfully_). Only thought it was better than -loafin' about, that's all. (_To himself._) I do bar a woman who's -afraid of a little mud. (_He saunters up to_ Miss SPELWANE _and -absently pulls the ear of a Japanese spaniel on her knee_.) Poo' -little fellow, then! - -_Miss Spelwane._ Poor little fellow? On _my_ lap! - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Oh, it--ah--didn't occur to me that he was on -_your_ lap. He don't seem to mind _that_. - -_Miss Spelwane._ No? _How_ forbearing of him! Would you mind not -standing quite so much in my light? I can't see my work. - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself, retreating_). That girl's always -fishin' for compliments. I didn't rise _that_ time, though. It's -precious slow here. I've a good mind to say I must get back to -Aldershot this afternoon. - - [_He wanders aimlessly about the room_; ARCHIE BEARPARK - _looks out of window with undisguised boredom_. - -_Lady Rhoda._ I say, if none of you are goin' to be more amusin' than -this, you may as well go back to your billiards again. - -_Bertie Pilliner._ Dear Lady Rhoda, how cruel of you! You'll have to -let _me_ stay. I'll be _so_ good. Look here, I'll read aloud to you. I -_can_--quite prettily. What shall it be? You don't care? No more do I. -I'll take the first that comes. (_He reaches for the nearest volume on -a table close by._) How _too_ delightful! Poetry--which I know you -_all_ adore. - - [_He turns over the leaves._ - -_Lady Rhoda._ If you ask _me_, I simply loathe it. - -_Bertie Pilliner._ Ah, but then you never heard _me_ read it, you -know. Now, here is a choice little bit, stuck right up in a corner, as -if it had been misbehaving itself. "Disenchantment" it's called. - - [_He reads._ - - "My Love has sicklied unto Loath, - And foul seems all that fair I fancied-- - The lily's sheen a leprous growth, - The very buttercups are rancid!" - -_Archie Bearpark._ Jove! The Johnny who wrote that must have been -feelin' chippy! - -_Bertie Pilliner._ He gets cheaper than that in the next poem. This is -his idea of "Abasement." - - [_He reads._ - - "With matted head a-dabble in the dust, - And eyes tear-sealèd in a saline crust, - I lie all loathly in my rags and rust-- - Yet learn that strange delight may lurk in self-disgust." - -Now, do you know, I rather like that--it's so deliciously decadent! - -_Lady Rhoda._ I should call it utter rot, myself. - -_Bertie Pilliner_ (_blandly_). Forgive me, Lady Rhoda. "Utterly -rotten," if you like, but _not_ "utter rot." There's a difference, -really. Now, I'll read you a quaint little production which has -dropped down to the bottom of the page, in low spirits, I suppose. -"Stanza written in Depression near Dulwich." - - [_He reads._ - - "The lark soars up in the air; - The toad sits tight in his hole; - And I would I were certain which of the pair - Were the truer type of my soul!" - -_Archie Bearpark._ I should be inclined to back the toad, myself. - -_Miss Spelwane._ If you must read, do choose something a little less -dismal. Aren't there any love songs? - -_Bertie Pilliner._ I'll look. Yes, any amount--here's one. (_He -reads._) "To My Lady." - - "Twine, lanken fingers lily-lithe, - Gleam, slanted eyes all beryl-green, - Pout, blood-red lips that burst awrithe, - Then--kiss me, Lady Grisoline!" - -_Miss Spelwane_ (_interested_). So _that's_ his type. Does he mention -whether she _did_ kiss him? - -_Bertie Pilliner._ Probably. Poets are always privileged to kiss and -tell. I'll see ... h'm, ha, yes; he _does_ mention it ... I think I'll -read something else. Here's a classical specimen. - - [_He reads._ - - "Uprears the monster now his slobberous head, - Its filamentous chaps her ankles brushing; - Her twice-five roseal toes are cramped in dread, - Each maidly instep mauven-pink is flushing." - -And so on, don't you know.... Now I'll read you a regular rouser -called "A Trumpet Blast." Sit tight, everybody! - - [_He reads._ - - "Pale Patricians, sunk in self-indulgence, (One for _you_, - dear Archie!) - Blink your blearèd eyes. (Blink, pretty creatures, blink!) Behold - the Sun-- - Burst proclaim, in purpurate effulgence, - Demos dawning, and the Darkness--done!" - - [_General hilarity, amidst which_ Lady CULVERIN _enters_. - - [Illustration: "NOW I'LL READ YOU A REGULAR ROUSER CALLED 'A - TRUMPET BLAST.'"] - -_Lady Culverin._ So _glad_ you all contrive to keep your spirits up, -in spite of this dismal weather. What is it that's amusing you all so -much, eh, dear Vivien? - -_Miss Spelwane._ Bertie Pilliner has been reading aloud to us, dear -Lady Culverin--_the_ most ridiculous poetry--made us all simply -shriek. What's the name of it? (_Taking the volume out of_ BERTIE'S -_hand_.) Oh, _Andromeda, and other Poems_. By Clarion Blair. - -_Lady Culverin_ (_coldly_). Bertie Pilliner can turn everything into -ridicule, we all know; but probably you are not aware that these -particular poems are considered quite wonderful by all competent -judges. Indeed, my sister-in-law---- - -_All_ (_in consternation_). Lady Cantire! Is _she_ the author? Oh, of -course, if we'd had any idea---- - -_Lady Culverin._ I've no reason to believe that Lady Cantire ever -composed _any_ poetry. I was only going to say that she was most -interested in the author, and as she and my niece Maisie are coming to -us this evening---- - -_Miss Spelwane._ Dear Lady Culverin, the verses are quite, _quite_ -beautiful; it was only the way they were read. - -_Lady Culverin._ I am glad to hear you say so, my dear, because I'm -also expecting the pleasure of seeing the author here, and you will -probably be his neighbour to-night. I hope, Bertie, that you will -remember that this young man is a very distinguished genius; there is -no wit that _I_ can discover in making fun of what one doesn't happen -to understand. - - [_She passes on._ - -_Bertie_ (_plaintively, after_ Lady CULVERIN _has left the room_). May -I trouble somebody to scrape me up? I'm pulverised! But really, you -know, a real live poet at Wyvern! I say, Miss Spelwane, how will you -like to have him dabbling his matted head next to you at dinner, eh? - -_Miss Spelwane._ Perhaps I shall find a matted head more entertaining -than a smooth one. And, if you've quite done with that volume, _I_ -should like to have a look at it. - - [_She retires with it to her room._ - -_Archie_ (_to himself_). I'm not half sorry this Poet-johnny's comin'; -I never caught a Bard in a booby-trap _yet_. - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself_). She's coming--this very evenin'! -And I was nearly sayin' I must get back to Aldershot! - -_Lady Rhoda._ So Lady Cantire's comin'; we shall all have to be on our -hind legs now! But Maisie's a dear thing. Do you know her, Captain -Thicknesse? - -_Captain Thicknesse._ I--I used to meet Lady Maisie Mull pretty often -at one time; don't know if she'll remember it, though. - -_Lady Rhoda._ She'll love meetin' this writin' man--she's so fearfully -romantic. I heard her say once that she'd give anythin' to be -idealized by a great poet--sort of--what's their names--Petrarch and -Beatrice business, don't you know. It will be rather amusin' to see -whether it comes off--won't it? - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_choking_). I--ah--no affair of mine, really. -(_To himself._) I'm not intellectual enough for her, I know that. -Suppose I shall have to stand by and look on at the Petrarchin'. Well, -there's always Aldershot! - - [_The luncheon gong sounds, to the general relief and - satisfaction._ - - - - -PART III - -THE TWO ANDROMEDAS - - - _Opposite a Railway Bookstall at a London Terminus._ - TIME--_Saturday_, 4.25 P.M. - -_Drysdale_ (_to his friend_, GALFRID UNDERSHELL, _whom he is "seeing -off"_). Twenty minutes to spare; time enough to lay in any quantity of -light literature. - -_Undershell_ (_in a head voice_). I fear the merely ephemeral does not -appeal to me. But I should like to make a little experiment. (_To the_ -Bookstall Clerk.) A--do you happen to have a copy left of Clarion -Blair's _Andromeda_? - -_Clerk._ Not in stock, sir. Never 'eard of the book, but dare say I -could get it for you. Here's a Detective Story we're sellin' like 'ot -cakes--_The Man with the Missing Toe_--very cleverly written story, -sir. - - [Illustration: "HERE'S A DETECTIVE STORY WE'RE SELLING LIKE - 'OT CAKES."] - -_Undershell._ I merely wished to know--that was all. (_Turning with -resigned disgust to_ DRYSDALE.) Just think of it, my dear fellow. At a -bookstall like this one feels the pulse, as it were, of Contemporary -Culture; and here my _Andromeda_, which no less an authority than the -_Daily Chronicle_ hailed as the uprising of a new and splendid era in -English Song-making, a Poetic Renascence, my poor _Andromeda_, is -trampled underfoot by--(_choking_)--Men with Missing Toes! What a -satire on our so-called Progress! - -_Drysdale._ That a purblind public should prefer a Shilling Shocker -for railway reading when for a modest half-guinea they might obtain a -numbered volume of Coming Poetry on hand-made paper! It _does_ seem -incredible,--but they do. Well, if they can't read _Andromeda_ on the -journey, they can at least peruse a stinger on it in this week's -_Saturday_. Seen it? - -_Undershell._ No. I don't vex my soul by reading criticisms on my -work. I am no Keats. They may howl--but they will not kill _me_. By -the way, the _Speaker_ had a most enthusiastic notice last week. - -_Drysdale._ So you saw _that_ then? But you're right not to mind the -others. When a fellow's contrived to hang on to the Chariot of Fame, -he can't wonder if a few rude and envious beggars call out "Whip -behind!" eh? You don't want to get in yet? Suppose we take a turn up -to the end of the platform. - - [_They do._ - - JAMES SPURRELL, M.R.C.V.S., _enters with his friend_, THOMAS - TANRAKE, _of_ HURDELL AND TANRAKE, _Job and Riding Masters, - Mayfair_. - -_Spurrell._ Yes, it's lucky for me old Spavin being laid up like -this--gives me a regular little outing, do you see? going down to a -swell place like this Wyvern Court, and being put up there for a day -or two! I shouldn't wonder if they do you very well in the -housekeeper's room. (_To_ Clerk.) Give me a Pink Un and last week's -_Dog Fancier's Guide_. - -_Clerk._ We've returned the unsold copies, sir. Could give you _this_ -week's; or there's _The Rabbit and Poultry Breeder's Journal_. - -_Spurrell._ Oh, rabbits be blowed! (_To_ TANRAKE.) I wanted you to see -that notice they put in of Andromeda and me, with my photo and all; it -said she was the best bull-bitch they'd seen for many a day, and fully -deserved her first prize. - -_Tanrake._ She's a rare good bitch, and no mistake. But what made you -call her such an outlandish name? - -_Spurrell._ Well, I _was_ going to call her Sal; but a chap at the -College thought the other would look more stylish if I ever meant to -exhibit her. Andromeda was one of them Roman goddesses, you know. - -_Tanrake._ Oh, I knew _that_ right enough. Come and have a drink -before you start--just for luck--not that you want _that_. - -_Spurrell._ I'm lucky enough in most things, Tom; in everything except -love. I told you about that girl, you know--Emma--and my being as good -as engaged to her, and then, all of a sudden, she went off abroad, and -I've never seen or had a line from her since. Can't call _that_ luck, -you know. Well, I won't say no to a glass of something. - - [_They disappear into the refreshment room._ - - _The_ Countess of CANTIRE _enters with her daughter_, - Lady MAISIE MULL. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_to_ Footman). Get a compartment for us, and two -foot-warmers, and a second-class as near ours as you can for -Phillipson; then come back here. Stay, I'd better give you -Phillipson's ticket. (_The_ Footman _disappears in the crowd_.) Now we -must get something to read on the journey. (_To_ Clerk.) I want a book -of some sort--no rubbish, mind; something serious and improving, and -_not_ a work of fiction. - -_Clerk._ Exactly so, ma'am. Let me see. Ah, here's _Alone with the -'Airy Ainoo_. How would you like that? - -_Lady Cantire_ (_with decision_). I should not like it at all. - -_Clerk._ I quite understand. Well, I can give you _Three 'Undred Ways -of Dressing the Cold Mutton_--useful little book for a family, -redooced to one and ninepence. - -_Lady Cantire._ Thank you. I think I will wait till I am reduced to -one and ninepence. - -_Clerk._ Precisely. What do you say to _Seven 'Undred Side-splitters -for Sixpence_? 'Ighly yumerous, I assure you. - -_Lady Cantire._ Are these times to split our sides, with so many -serious social problems pressing for solution? You are presumably not -without intelligence; do you never reflect upon the responsibility you -incur in assisting to circulate trivial and frivolous trash of this -sort? - -_Clerk_ (_dubiously_). Well, I can't say as I do, particular, ma'am. -I'm paid to sell the books--I don't _select_ 'em. - -_Lady Cantire._ That is _no_ excuse for you--you ought to exercise -some discrimination on your own account, instead of pressing people to -buy what can do them no possible good. You can give me a _Society -Snippets_. - -_Lady Maisie._ Mamma! A penny paper that says such rude things about -the Royal Family! - -_Lady Cantire._ It's always instructive to know what these creatures -are saying about one, my dear, and it's astonishing how they manage to -find out the things they do. Ah, here's Gravener coming back. He's got -us a carriage, and we'd better get in. - - [_She and her daughter enter a first-class compartment_; - UNDERSHELL _and_ DRYSDALE _return_. - - -_Drysdale_ (_to_ UNDERSHELL). Well, I don't see now where the -insolence comes in. These people have invited you to stay with -them---- - -_Undershell._ But why? Not because they appreciate my work--which they -probably only half understand--but out of mere idle curiosity to see -what manner of strange beast a Poet may be! And _I_ don't know this -Lady Culverin--never met her in my life! What the deuce does she mean -by sending me an invitation? Why should these smart women suppose that -they are entitled to send for a Man of Genius, as if he was their -_lackey_? Answer me that! - -_Drysdale._ Perhaps the delusion is encouraged by the fact that Genius -occasionally condescends to answer the bell. - -_Undershell_ (_reddening_). Do you imagine I am going down to this -place simply to please _them_? - -_Drysdale._ I should think it a doubtful kindness, in your present -frame of mind; and, as you are hardly going to please yourself, -wouldn't it be more dignified, on the whole, not to go at all? - -_Undershell._ You never _did_ understand me! Sometimes I think I was -born to be misunderstood! But you might do me the justice to believe -that I am not going from merely snobbish motives. May I not feel that -such a recognition as this is a tribute less to my poor self than to -Literature, and that, as such, I have scarcely the _right_ to decline -it? - -_Drysdale._ Ah, if you put it in that way, I am silenced, of course. - -_Undershell._ Or what if I am going to show these Patricians -that--Poet of the People as I am--they can neither patronise nor -cajole me? - -_Drysdale._ Exactly, old chap--what if you _are_? - -_Undershell._ I don't say that I may not have another reason--a--a -rather romantic one--but you would only sneer if I told you! I know -you think me a poor creature whose head has been turned by an -undeserved success. - -_Drysdale._ You're not going to try to pick a quarrel with an old -chum, are you? Come, you know well enough I don't think anything of -the sort. I've always said you had the right stuff in you, and would -show it some day; there are even signs of it in _Andromeda_ here and -there; but you'll do better things than that, if you'll only let some -of the wind out of your head. I take an interest in you, old fellow, -and that's just why it riles me to see you taking yourself so devilish -seriously on the strength of a little volume of verse which--between -you and me--has been "boomed" for all it's worth, and considerably -more. You've only got your immortality on a short repairing lease at -present, old boy! - -_Undershell_ (_with bitterness_). I am fortunate in possessing such a -candid friend. But I mustn't keep you here any longer. - -_Drysdale._ Very well. I suppose you're going first? Consider the -feelings of the Culverin footman at the other end! - -_Undershell_ (_as he fingers a first-class ticket in his pocket_). You -have a very low view of human nature! (_Here he becomes aware of a -remarkably pretty face at a second-class window close by_). As it -_happens_, I am travelling second. - - [_He gets in._ - -_Drysdale_ (_at the window_). Well, good-bye, old chap. Good luck to -you at Wyvern, and remember--wear your livery with as good a grace as -possible. - -_Undershell._ I do not intend to wear any livery whatever. - - [_The owner of the pretty face regards_ UNDERSHELL _with - interest_. - -_Spurrell_ (_coming out of the refreshment room_). What, second--with -all my exes. paid? Not _likely_! I'm going to travel in style this -journey. No--not a smoker; don't want to create a bad impression, you -know. This will do for me. - - [_He gets into a compartment occupied by_ Lady CANTIRE _and - her daughter_. - -_Tanrake_ (_at the window_). There--you're off now. Pleasant journey -to you, old man. Hope you'll enjoy yourself at this Wyvern Court -you're going to--and, I say, don't forget to send me that notice of -Andromeda when you get back! - - [_The_ Countess _and_ Lady MAISIE _start slightly; the train - moves out of the station_. - - - - -PART IV - -RUSHING TO CONCLUSIONS - - - _In a First-class Compartment._ - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Formidable old party opposite me in the -furs! Nice-looking girl over in the corner; not a patch on my Emma, -though! Wonder why I catch 'em sampling me over their papers whenever -I look up! Can't be anything wrong with my turn out. Why, of course, -they heard Tom talk about my going down to Wyvern Court; think I'm a -visitor there and no end of a duke! Well, what snobs some people are, -to be sure! - -_Lady Cantire_ (_to herself_). So this is the young poet I made -Albinia ask to meet me. I can't be mistaken, I distinctly heard his -friend mention _Andromeda_. H'm, well, it's a comfort to find he's -_clean_! Have I read his poetry or not? I know I _had_ the book, -because I distinctly remember telling Maisie she wasn't to read -it--but--well, that's of no consequence. He looks clever and quite -respectable--not in the least picturesque--which is fortunate. I was -beginning to doubt whether it was quite prudent to bring Maisie; but I -needn't have worried myself. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). Here, actually in the same carriage! -Does he guess who _I_ am? Somehow---- Well, he certainly _is_ different -from what I expected. I thought he would show more signs of having -thought and suffered; for he _must_ have suffered to write as he does. -If mamma knew I had read his poems; that I had actually written to beg -him not to refuse Aunt Albinia's invitation! He never wrote back. Of -course I didn't put any address; but still, he could have found out -from the Red Book if he'd cared. I'm rather glad now he _didn't_ care. - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Old girl seems as if she meant to be -sociable; better give her an opening. (_Aloud._) Hem! would you like -the window down an inch or two? - -_Lady Cantire._ Not on _my_ account, thank you. - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Broke the ice, anyway. (_Aloud._) Oh, _I_ -don't want it down, but some people have such a mania for fresh air. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_with a dignified little shiver_). Have they? With a -temperature as glacial as it is in here! They must be maniacs indeed! - -_Spurrell._ Well, it _is_ chilly; been raw all day. (_To himself._) -She don't answer. I _haven't_ broken the ice. - - [_He produces a memorandum book._ - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). He hasn't said anything _very_ original -yet. So _nice_ of him not to pose! Oh, he's got a note-book; he's -going to compose a poem. How interesting! - - [Illustration: "HE'S GOING TO COMPOSE A POEM. HOW - INTERESTING!"] - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Yes, I'm all right if Heliograph wins the -Lincolnshire Handicap; lucky to get on at the price I did. Wonder -what's the latest about the City and Suburban? Let's see whether the -Pink Un has anything about it. - - [_He refers to the Sporting Times._ - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). The inspiration's stopped--_what_ a -pity! How odd of him to read the _Globe_! I thought he was a Democrat! - -_Lady Cantire._ Maisie, there's quite a clever little notice in -_Society Snippets_ about the dance at Skympings last week. I'm sure I -wonder how they pick up these things; it quite bears out what I was -told; says the supper arrangements were "simply disgraceful; not -nearly enough champagne; and what there was, undrinkable!" So _like_ -poor dear Lady Chesepare; never _does_ do things like anybody else. -I'm sure _I've_ given her hints enough! - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself, with a suppressed grin_). Wants to let me see -_she_ knows some swells. Now _ain't_ that paltry? - -_Lady Cantire_ (_tendering the paper_). Would you like to see it, -Maisie? Just this bit here; where my finger is. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself, flushing_). I saw him smile. What _must_ -he think of us, with his splendid scorn for rank? (_Aloud._) No, thank -you, mamma: such a wretched light to read by! - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Chance for _me_ to cut in! (_Aloud._) -Beastly light, isn't it? 'Pon my word, the company ought to provide us -with a dog and string apiece when we get out! - -_Lady Cantire_ (_bringing a pair of long-handled glasses to bear upon -him_). I happen to hold shares in this line. May I ask _why_ you -consider a provision of dogs and string at all the stations a -necessary or desirable expenditure? - -_Spurrell._ Oh--er--well, you know, I only meant, bring on _blindness_ -and that. Harmless attempt at a joke, that's all. - -_Lady Cantire._ I see. I scarcely expected that _you_ would condescend -to such weakness. I--ah--think you are going down to stay at Wyvern -for a few days, are you not? - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). I was right. What Tom said _did_ fetch the -old girl; no harm in humouring her a bit. (_Aloud._) Yes--oh yes, -they--aw--wanted me to run down when I could. - -_Lady Cantire._ I heard they were expecting you. You will find Wyvern -a pleasant house--for a short visit. - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). _She_ heard! Oh, she wants to kid me she -knows the Culverins. Rats! (_Aloud._) Shall I, though? I dare say. - -_Lady Cantire._ Lady Culverin is a very sweet woman; a little limited, -perhaps, not intellectual, or quite what one would call the _grande -dame_; but perhaps _that_ could scarcely be expected. - -_Spurrell_ (_vaguely_). Oh, of course not--no. (_To himself._) If she -bluffs, so can I! (_Aloud._) It's funny your turning out to be an -acquaintance of Lady C.'s, though. - -_Lady Cantire._ You think so? But I should hardly call myself an -_acquaintance_. - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Old cat's trying to back out of it now; she -shan't, though! (_Aloud._) Oh, then I suppose you know Sir Rupert -best? - -_Lady Cantire._ Yes, I certainly know Sir Rupert better. - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Oh, you do, do you? We'll see. (_Aloud._) -Nice cheery old chap, Sir Rupert, isn't he? I must tell him I -travelled down in the same carriage with a particular friend of his. -(_To himself._) That'll make her sit up! - -_Lady Cantire._ Oh, then you and my brother Rupert have met already? - -_Spurrell_ (_aghast_). Your brother! Sir Rupert Culverin your----! -Excuse me--if I'd only known, I--I do assure you I never should have -dreamt of saying----! - -_Lady Cantire_ (_graciously_). You've said nothing whatever to -distress yourself about. You couldn't possibly be expected to know who -I was. Perhaps I had better tell you at once that I am Lady Cantire, -and this is my daughter, Lady Maisie Mull. (SPURRELL _returns_ Lady -MAISIE'S _little bow in the deepest confusion_.) We are going down to -Wyvern too, so I hope we shall very soon become better acquainted. - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself, overwhelmed_). The deuce we shall! I _have_ -got myself into a hole this time; I wish I could see my way well out -of it! Why on earth couldn't I hold my confounded tongue? I _shall_ -look an ass when I tell 'em. - - [_He sits staring at them in silent embarrassment._ - - - _In a Second-class Compartment._ - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). Singularly attractive face this girl has; -so piquant and so refined! I can't help fancying she is studying me -under her eyelashes. She has remarkably bright eyes. Can she be -interested in me? Does she expect me to talk to her? There are only -she and I--but no, just now I would rather be alone with my thoughts. -This Maisie Mull whom I shall meet so soon; what is _she_ like, I -wonder? I presume she is unmarried. If I may judge from her artless -little letter, she is young and enthusiastic, and she is a passionate -admirer of my verse; she is longing to meet me. I suppose some men's -vanity would be flattered by a tribute like that. I think I must have -none; for it leaves me strangely cold. I did not even reply; it struck -me that it would be difficult to do so with any dignity, and she -didn't tell me where to write to.... After all, how do I know that -this will not end--like everything else--in disillusion? Will not such -crude girlish adoration pall upon me in time? If she were -exceptionally lovely; or say, even as charming as this fair -fellow-passenger of mine--why then, to be sure--but no, something -warns me that that is not to be. I shall find her plain, sandy, -freckled; she will render me ridiculous by her undiscriminating -gush.... Yes, I feel my heart sink more and more at the prospect of -this visit. Ah me! - - [_He sighs heavily._ - -_His Fellow Passenger_ (_to herself_). It's too silly to be sitting -here like a pair of images, considering that---- (_Aloud._) I hope you -aren't feeling unwell? - -_Undershell._ Thank you, no, not unwell. I was merely thinking. - -_His Fellow Passenger._ You don't seem very cheerful over it, I must -say. I've no wish to be inquisitive, but perhaps you're feeling a -little low-spirited about the place you're going to? - -_Undershell._ I--I must confess I am rather dreading the prospect. How -wonderful that you should have guessed it! - -_His Fellow Passenger._ Oh, I've been through it myself. I'm just the -same when _I_ go down to a new place; feel a sort of sinking, you -know, as if the people were sure to be disagreeable, and I should -never get on with them. - -_Undershell._ _Exactly_ my own sensations! If I could only be sure of -finding _one_ kindred spirit, one soul who would help and understand -me. But I daren't let myself hope even for that! - -_His Fellow Passenger._ Well, I wouldn't judge beforehand. The chances -are there'll be _somebody_ you can take to. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). What sympathy! What bright, cheerful -common sense! (_Aloud._) Do you know, you encourage me more than you -can possibly imagine! - -_His Fellow Passenger_ (_retreating_). Oh, if you are going to take my -remarks like _that_, I shall be afraid to go on talking to you! - -_Undershell_ (_with pathos_). Don't--_don't_ be afraid to talk to me! -If you only knew the comfort you give! I have found life very sad, -very solitary. And true sympathy is so rare, so refreshing. I--I fear -such an appeal from a stranger may seem a little startling; it is true -that hitherto we have only exchanged a very few sentences; and yet -already I feel that we have something--much--in common. You can't be -so cruel as to let all intimacy cease here--it is quite tantalising -enough that it must end so soon. A very few more minutes, and this -brief episode will be only a memory; I shall have left the little -green oasis far behind me, and be facing the dreary desert once -more--alone! - -_His Fellow Passenger_ (_laughing_). Well, of all the uncomplimentary -things! As it happens, though, "the little green oasis"--as you're -kind enough to call me--_won't_ be left behind; not if it's aware of -it! I think I heard your friend mention Wyvern Court! Well, that's -where _I'm_ going. - -_Undershell_ (_excitedly_). You--_you_ are going to Wyvern Court! Why, -then, you must be---- - - [_He checks himself._ - -_His Fellow Passenger._ What were you going to say; _what_ must I be? - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). There is no doubt about it; bright, -independent girl; gloves a trifle worn; travels second-class for -economy; it must be Miss Mull herself; her letter mentioned Lady -Culverin as her aunt. A poor relation, probably. She doesn't suspect -that I am---- I won't reveal myself just yet; better let it dawn upon -her gradually. (_Aloud._) Why, I was only about to say, why then you -must be going to the same house as I am. How extremely fortunate a -coincidence! - -_His Fellow Passenger._ That remains to be seen. (_To herself._) What -a funny little man; such a flowery way of talking for a footman. Oh, -but I forgot; he said he _wasn't_ going to wear livery. Well, he -_would_ look a sight in it! - - - - -PART V - -CROSS PURPOSES - - - _In a First-class Compartment._ - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). Poets don't seem to have much -self-possession. He seems perfectly overcome by hearing my name like -that. If only he doesn't lose his head completely and say something -about my wretched letter! - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). I'd better tell 'em before they find out -for themselves. (_Aloud; desperately._) My lady, I--I feel I ought to -explain at once how I come to be going down to Wyvern like this. - - [Lady MAISIE _only just suppresses a terrified protest_. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_benignly amused_). My good sir, there's not the -slightest necessity; I am perfectly aware of who you are, and -everything about you! - -_Spurrell_ (_incredulously_). But really I don't see _how_ your -ladyship---- Why, I haven't said a _word_ that---- - -_Lady Cantire_ (_with a solemn waggishness_.) Celebrities who mean to -preserve their _incognito_ shouldn't allow their friends to see them -off. I happened to hear a certain _Andromeda_ mentioned, and that was -quite enough for Me! - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself, relieved_). She knows; seen the sketch of me -in the _Dog Fancier_, I expect; goes in for breeding bulls herself, -very likely. Well, that's a load off my mind! (_Aloud._) You don't say -so, my lady. I'd no idea your ladyship would have any taste that way; -most agreeable surprise to me, I can assure you! - -_Lady Cantire._ I see no reason for _surprise_ in the matter. I have -always endeavoured to cultivate my taste in all directions; to keep in -touch with every modern development. I make it a rule to read and see -_everything_. Of course, I have no time to give more than a rapid -glance at most things; but I hope some day to be able to have another -look at your _Andromeda_. I hear the most glowing accounts from all -the judges. - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). She knows all the judges! She _must_ be in -the fancy! (_Aloud._) Any time your ladyship likes to name I shall be -proud and happy to bring her round for your inspection. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_with condescension_). If you are kind enough to offer -me a copy of _Andromeda_, I shall be _most_ pleased to possess one. - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Sharp old customer, this; trying to rush me -for a pup. _I_ never offered her one! (_Aloud._) Well, as to _that_, -my lady, I've promised so many already, that really I don't--but -there--I'll see what I can _do_ for you. I'll make a note of it; you -mustn't mind having to _wait_ a bit. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_raising her eyebrows_). I will make an effort to -support existence in the meantime. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). I couldn't have believed that the man -who could write such lovely verses should be so--well, not _exactly_ a -gentleman! How _petty_ of me to have such thoughts. Perhaps geniuses -never _are_. And as if it _mattered_! And I'm sure he's very natural -and simple, and I shall like him when I know him better. - - [_The train slackens._ - -_Lady Cantire._ What station is this? Oh, it _is_ Shuntingbridge. -(_To_ SPURRELL, _as they get out_.) Now, if you'll kindly take charge -of these bags, and go and see whether there's anything from Wyvern to -meet us--you will find us here when you come back. - - - _On the Platform at Shuntingbridge._ - -_Lady Cantire._ Ah, _there_ you are, Phillipson! Yes, you can take the -jewel-case; and now you had better go and see after the trunks. -(PHILLIPSON _hurries back to the luggage-van_; SPURRELL _returns_.) -Well, Mr.--I always forget names, so I shall call you "Andromeda"--have -you found out---- The omnibus, is it? Very well, take us to it, and -we'll get in. - - [_They go outside._ - -_Undershell_ (_at another part of the platform--to himself_). Where -has Miss Mull disappeared to? Oh, there she is, pointing out her -luggage. What a quantity she travels with! Can't be such a _very_ poor -relation. How graceful and collected she is, and how she orders the -porters about! I really believe I shall enjoy this visit. (_To a -porter._) That's mine--the brown one with a white star. I want it to -go to Wyvern Court--Sir Rupert Culverin's. - -_Porter_ (_shouldering it_). Right, sir. Follow me, if you please. - - [_He disappears with it._ - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I mustn't leave Miss Mull alone. -(_Advancing to her._) Can I be of any assistance? - -_Phillipson._ It's all done now. But you might try and find out how -we're to get to the Court. - - [UNDERSHELL _departs; is requested to produce his ticket, - and spends several minutes in searching every pocket - but the right one_. - - [Illustration: SEARCHING EVERY POCKET BUT THE RIGHT ONE.] - - - _In the Station Yard at Shuntingbridge._ - -_Lady Cantire_ (_from the interior of the Wyvern omnibus, testily, to_ -Footman). What are we waiting for _now_? Is my maid coming with us--or -how? - -_Footman._ There's a fly ordered to take her, my lady. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_to_ SPURRELL, _who is standing below_). Then it's -_you_ who are keeping us! - -_Spurrell._ If your ladyship will excuse me. I'll just go and see if -they've put out my bag. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_impatiently_). Never mind about your bag. (_To_ -Footman.) What have you done with this gentleman's luggage? - -_Footman._ Everything for the Court is on top now, my lady. - - [_He opens the door for_ SPURRELL. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_to_ SPURRELL, _who is still irresolute_). For -goodness' sake don't hop about on that step! Come in, and let us -start. - -_Lady Maisie._ _Please_ get in--there's _plenty_ of room! - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). They _are_ chummy, and no mistake! (_Aloud, -as he gets in._) I do hope it won't be considered any intrusion--my -coming up along with your ladyships, I mean! - -_Lady Cantire_ (_snappishly_). Intrusion! I never heard such nonsense! -Did you expect to be asked to run behind? You really mustn't be so -ridiculously modest. As if your _Andromeda_ hadn't procured you the -_entrée_ everywhere! - - [_The omnibus starts._ - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Good old Drummy! No idea I was such a -swell. I'll keep my tail up. Shyness ain't one of _my_ failings. -(_Aloud, to an indistinct mass at the further end of the omnibus, -which is unlighted._) Er--hum--pitch dark night, my lady, don't get -much idea of the country! (_The mass makes no response._) I was -saying, my lady, it's too dark to---- (_The mass snores peacefully._) -Her ladyship seems to be taking a snooze on the quiet, my lady. (_To_ -Lady MAISIE.) (_To himself._) Not that _that's_ the term for it! - -_Lady Maisie_ (_distantly_). My mother gets tired rather easily. (_To -herself._) It's really too dreadful; he makes me hot all over! If he's -going to do this kind of thing at Wyvern! And I'm more or less -_responsible_ for him, too! I _must_ see if I can't---- It will be only -kind. (_Aloud, nervously._) Mr.--Mr. Blair! - -_Spurrell._ Excuse me, my lady, not _Blair_--Spurrell. - -_Lady Maisie._ Of course, _how_ stupid of me. I knew it wasn't -_really_ your name. Mr. _Spurrell_, then, you--you won't mind if I -give you just one little hint, _will_ you? - -_Spurrell._ I shall take it kindly of your ladyship, whatever it is. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_more nervously still_). It's really such a trifle, -but--but, in speaking to mamma or me, it isn't at all necessary to say -"my lady" or "your ladyship." I--I mean, it sounds rather, -well--_formal_, don't you know! - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). _She's_ going to be chummy now! (_Aloud._) -I thought, on a first acquaintance, it was only manners. - -_Lady Maisie._ Oh--manners? yes, I--I dare say--but still--but -still--_not_ at Wyvern, don't you know. If you like, you can call -mamma "Lady Cantire," and me "Lady Maisie," now and then, and, of -course, my aunt will be "Lady Culverin," but--but if there are other -people staying in the house, you needn't call them _anything_, do you -see? - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). I'm not likely to have the chance! -(_Aloud._) Well, if you're sure they won't _mind_ it, because I'm not -used to this sort of thing, so I put myself entirely in your -hands,--for, of course, _you_ know what brought me down here? - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). He means my foolish letter! Oh, I must -put a stop to _that_ at once! (_In a hurried undertone._) Yes--yes; -I--I think I do I mean, I _do_ know--but--but _please_ forget -it--_indeed_, you must! - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Forget I've come down as a vet? The -Culverins will take care I don't forget that! (_Aloud._) But, I say, -it's all very well; but how _can_ I? Why, look here; I was told I was -to come down here on purpose to---- - -_Lady Maisie_ (_on thorns_). I know--you needn't tell me! And _don't_ -speak so loud! _Mamma_ might hear! - -_Spurrell_ (_puzzled_). What if she did? Why, I thought her la--your -mother _knew_! - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). He actually thinks I should tell mamma! -Oh, how _dense_ he is! (_Aloud._) Yes--yes--of _course_ she -knows--but--but you might _wake_ her! And--and please don't allude to -it again--to me or--or any one. (_To herself._) That I should have to -beg him to be silent like this! But what can I _do_? Goodness only -knows _what_ he mightn't say, if I don't warn him! - -_Spurrell_ (_nettled_). I don't mind _who_ knows. _I'm_ not ashamed -of it, Lady Maisie--whatever you may be! - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself, exasperated_). He dares to imply that -_I_'ve done something to be ashamed of! (_Aloud, haughtily._) I'm -_not_ ashamed--why _should_ I be? Only--oh, can't you _really_ -understand that--that one may do things which one wouldn't care to be -reminded of publicly? I don't _wish_ it--isn't _that_ enough? - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). I see what she's at now--doesn't want it to -come out that she's travelled down here with a vet! (_Aloud, -stiffly._) A lady's wish is enough for _me_ at any time. If you're -sorry for having gone out of your way to be friendly, why, I'm not the -person to take advantage of it. I hope I know how to behave. - - [_He takes refuge in offended silence._ - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). Why did I say anything at all! I've only -made things worse--I've let him see that he _has_ an advantage. And -he's certain to use it sooner or later--unless I am civil to him. I've -offended him now--and I shall _have_ to make it up with him! - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). I thought all along she didn't seem as -chummy as her mother--but to turn round on me like this! - -_Lady Cantire_ (_waking up_). Well, Mr. Andromeda, I should have -thought you and my daughter might have found _some_ subject in common; -but I haven't heard a word from either of you since we left the -station. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). That's _some_ comfort! (_Aloud._) You -must have had a nap, mamma. We--we _have_ been talking. - -_Spurrell._ Oh yes, we _have_ been talking, I can assure you, Lady -Cantire! - -_Lady Cantire._ Dear me. Well, Maisie, I hope the conversation was -entertaining? - -_Lady Maisie._ M--most entertaining, mamma! - -_Lady Cantire._ I'm quite sorry I missed it. (_The omnibus stops._) -Wyvern at last! But _what_ a journey it's been, to be sure! - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). I should just think it had. I've never been -so taken up and put down in all my life! But it's over now; and, thank -goodness, I'm not likely to see any more of 'em! - - [_He gets out with alacrity._ - - - - -PART VI - -ROUND PEGS IN SQUARE HOLES - - - _In the Entrance Hall at Wyvern._ - -_Tredwell_ (_to_ Lady CANTIRE). This way, if you please, my lady. Her -ladyship is in the Hamber Boudwore. - -_Lady Cantire._ Wait. (_She looks round._) What has become of that -young Mr. Androm----? (_Perceiving_ SPURRELL, _who has been modestly -endeavouring to efface himself_.) Ah, _there_ he is! Now, come along, -and be presented to my sister-in-law. She'll be enchanted to know you! - -_Spurrell._ But indeed, my lady, I--I think I'd better wait till she -sends for me. - -_Lady Cantire._ Wait? Fiddlesticks! What! A famous young man like you! -Remember _Andromeda_, and don't make yourself so ridiculous! - -_Spurrell_ (_miserably_). Well, Lady Cantire, if her ladyship _says_ -anything, I hope you'll bear me out that it wasn't---- - -_Lady Cantire._ Bear you out? My good young man, you seem to need -somebody to bear you _in_! Come, you are under _my_ wing. _I_ answer -for your welcome--so do as you're told. - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself, as he follows resignedly_). It's my belief -there'll be a jolly row when I _do_ go in; but it's not my fault! - -_Tredwell_ (_opening the door of the Amber Boudoir_). Lady Cantire and -Lady Maisie Mull (_To_ SPURRELL.) What name, if you please, sir? - - [Illustration: "WHAT NAME, IF YOU PLEASE, SIR?"] - -_Spurrell_ (_dolefully_). You can say "James Spurrell"--you needn't -_bellow_ it, you know! - -_Tredwell_ (_ignoring this suggestion_). Mr. James Spurrell. - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself, on the threshold_). If I don't get the chuck -for this, I _shall_ be surprised, that's all! - - [_He enters._ - - - _In a Fly._ - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). Alone with a lovely girl, who has no -suspicion, as yet, that I am the poet whose songs have thrilled her -with admiration! _Could_ any situation be more romantic? I think I -must keep up this little mystification as long as possible. - -_Phillipson_ (_to herself_). I wonder who he is? _Somebody's_ Man, I -suppose. I do believe he's struck with me. Well, I've no objection. I -don't see why I shouldn't forget Jim now and then--he's quite -forgotten me! (_Aloud._) They might have sent a decent carriage for us -instead of this ramshackle old summerhouse. We shall be _hours_ -getting to the house at this rate! - -_Undershell_ (_gallantly_). For my part, I care not how long we may -be. I feel so unspeakably content to be where I am. - -_Phillipson_ (_disdainfully_). In this mouldy, lumbering old concern? -You must be rather easily contented, then! - -_Undershell_ (_dreamily_). It travels only too swiftly. To me it is a -veritable enchanted car, drawn by a magic steed. - -_Phillipson._ I don't know whether he's magic--but I'm sure he's lame. -And stuffiness is not _my_ notion of _enchantment_. - -_Undershell._ I'm not prepared to deny the stuffiness. But cannot you -guess what has transformed this vehicle for me--in spite of its -undeniable shortcomings--or must I speak more plainly still? - -_Phillipson._ Well, considering the shortness of our acquaintance, I -must say you've spoken quite plainly enough as it is! - -_Undershell._ I know I must seem unduly expansive, and wanting in -reserve; and yet that is not my true disposition. In general, I feel -an almost fastidious shrinking from strangers---- - -_Phillipson_ (_with a little laugh_). Really? I shouldn't have thought -it! - -_Undershell._ Because, in the present case, I do not--I cannot--feel -as if we _were_ strangers. Some mysterious instinct led me, almost -from the first, to associate you with a certain Miss Maisie Mull. - -_Phillipson._ Well, I wonder how you discovered _that_. Though you -shouldn't have said "Miss"--_Lady_ Maisie Mull is the proper form. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). Lady Maisie Mull! I attach no meaning to -titles--and yet nothing but rank could confer such perfect ease and -distinction. (_Aloud._) I should have said _Lady_ Maisie Mull, -undoubtedly--forgive my ignorance. But at least I have divined you. -Does nothing tell you who and what _I_ may be? - -_Phillipson._ Oh, I think I can give a tolerable guess at what _you_ -are. - -_Undershell._ You recognize the stamp of the Muse upon me, then? - -_Phillipson._ Well, I shouldn't have taken you for a groom exactly. - -_Undershell_ (_with some chagrin_). You are really too flattering! - -_Phillipson._ Am I? Then it's your turn now. You might say you'd never -have taken me for a _lady's maid_! - -_Undershell._ I might--if I had any desire to make an unnecessary and -insulting remark. - -_Phillipson._ Insulting? Why, it's what I _am_! I'm maid to Lady -Maisie. I thought your mysterious instinct told you all about it? - -_Undershell_ (_to himself--after the first shock_). A lady's maid! -Gracious Heaven! What have I been saying--or rather, what _haven't_ I? -(_Aloud._) To--to be sure it did. Of course, I quite understand -_that_. (_To himself._) Oh, confound it all, I wish we were at Wyvern! - -_Phillipson._ And, after all, you've never told me who _you_ are. Who -_are_ you? - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I must not humiliate this poor girl! -(_Aloud._) I? Oh--a very insignificant person, I assure you! (_To -himself._) This is an occasion in which deception is pardonable--even -justifiable! - -_Phillipson._ Oh, I knew _that_ much. But you let out just now you -had to do with a Mews. You aren't a rough-rider, are you? - -_Undershell._ N--not _exactly_--not a _rough_-rider. (_To himself._) -Never on a horse in my life!--unless I count my _Pegasus_. (_Aloud._) -But you are right in supposing I am connected with a muse--in one -sense. - -_Phillipson._ I _said_ so, didn't I? Don't you think it was rather -clever of me to spot you, when you're not a bit horsey-looking? - -_Undershell_ (_with elaborate irony_). Accept my compliments on a -power of penetration which is simply phenomenal! - -_Phillipson_ (_giving him a little push_). Oh, go along--it's all talk -with you--I don't believe you mean a word you say! - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). She's becoming absolutely vulgar. -(_Aloud._) I don't--I _don't_; it's a manner I have; you mustn't -attach any importance to it--none whatever! - -_Phillipson._ What! Not to all those high-flown compliments? Do you -mean to tell me you are only a gay deceiver, then? - -_Undershell_ (_in horror_). Not a _deceiver_, no; and decidedly not -_gay_. I mean I _did_ mean the _compliments_, of course. (_To -himself._) I mustn't let her suspect anything, or she'll get talking -about it; it would be too horrible if this were to get round to Lady -Maisie or the Culverins--so undignified; and it would ruin all my -_prestige_! I've only to go on playing a part for a few minutes, -and--maid or not--she's a most engaging girl! - - [_He goes on playing the part, with the unexpected result - of sending_ Miss PHILLIPSON _into fits of uncontrollable - laughter_. - - - _At a Back Entrance at Wyvern. The Fly has just set down_ - PHILLIPSON _and_ UNDERSHELL. - -_Tredwell_ (_receiving_ PHILLIPSON). Lady Maisie's maid, I presume? -I'm the butler here--Mr. Tredwell. Your ladies arrived some time back. -I'll take you to the housekeeper, who'll show you their rooms, and -where yours is, and I hope you'll find everything comfortable. (_In an -undertone, indicating_ UNDERSHELL, _who is awaiting recognition in the -doorway_.) Do you happen to know who it is _with_ you? - -_Phillipson_ (_in a whisper_). I can't quite make him out--he's so -flighty in his talk. But he _says_ he belongs to some Mews or other. - -_Tredwell._ Oh, then _I_ know who he is. We expect him right enough. -He's a partner in a crack firm of Vets. We've sent for him special. -I'd better see to him, if you don't mind finding your own way to the -housekeeper's room, second door to the left, down that corridor. -(PHILLIPSON _departs_.) Good evening to you, Mr.--ah--Mr.----? - -_Undershell_ (_coming forward_). Mr. Undershell. Lady Culverin expects -me, I believe. - -_Tredwell._ Quite correct, Mr. Undershell, sir. She do. Leastwise, I -shouldn't say myself she'd require to see you--well, not _before_ -to-morrow morning--but you won't mind _that_, I dare say. - -_Undershell_ (_choking_). Not mind that! Take me to her at once! - -_Tredwell._ Couldn't take it on myself, sir, really. There's no -particular 'urry. I'll let her ladyship know you're 'ere; and if she -wants you, she'll send for you; but, with a party staying in the -'ouse, and others dining with us to-night, it ain't likely as she'll -have time for you till to-morrow. - -_Undershell._ Oh, then whenever her ladyship should find leisure to -recollect my existence, will you have the goodness to inform her that -I have taken the liberty of returning to town by the next train? - -_Tredwell._ Lor! Mr. Undershell, you aren't so pressed as all _that_, -are you? I know my lady wouldn't like you to go without seeing you -personally; no more wouldn't Sir Rupert. And I understood you was -coming down for the Sunday! - -_Undershell_ (_furious_). So did _I_--but not to be treated like this! - -_Tredwell_ (_soothingly_). Why, _you_ know what ladies are. And you -couldn't see Deerfoot--not properly, to-night, either. - -_Undershell._ I have seen enough of this place already. I intend to go -back by the next train, I tell you. - -_Tredwell._ But there _ain't_ any next train up to-night--being a loop -line--not to mention that I've sent the fly away, and they can't spare -no one at the stables to drive you in. Come, sir, make the best of it. -I've had my horders to see that you're made comfortable, and Mrs. -Pomfret and me will expect the pleasure of your company at supper in -the 'ousekeeper's room, 9.30 sharp. I'll send the steward's room boy -to show you to your room. - - [_He goes, leaving_ UNDERSHELL _speechless_. - -_Undershell_ (_almost foaming_). The insolence of these cursed -aristocrats! Lady Culverin will see me when she has time, forsooth! I -am to be entertained in the servants' hall! _This_ is how our upper -classes honour Poetry! I won't stay a single hour under their -infernal roof. I'll walk. But where _to_? And how about my luggage? - - [PHILLIPSON _returns_. - -_Phillipson._ Mr. Tredwell says you want to go already! It _can't_ be -true! Without even waiting for supper? - -_Undershell_ (_gloomily_). Why should I wait for supper in this house? - -_Phillipson._ Well, _I_ shall be there; I don't know if _that's_ any -inducement. - - [_She looks down._ - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). She is a singularly bewitching creature; -and I'm starving. Why _shouldn't_ I stay--if only to shame these -Culverins? It will be an experience--a study in life. I can always go -afterwards. I _will_ stay. (_Aloud._) You little know the sacrifice -you ask of me, but enough; I give way. We shall meet--(_with a -gulp_)--in the housekeeper's room! - -_Phillipson_ (_highly amused_). You _are_ a comical little man. You'll -be the death of me if you go on like that! - - [_She flits away._ - -_Undershell_ (_alone_). I feel disposed to be the death of _somebody_! -Oh, Lady Maisie Mull, to what a bathos have you lured your poet by -your artless flattery--a banquet presided over by your aunt's butler! - - - - -PART VII - -IGNOTUM PRO MIRIFICO - - - _The Amber Boudoir at Wyvern immediately after_ Lady CANTIRE - _and her daughter have entered_. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_in reply to_ Lady CULVERIN). Tea? oh yes, my dear; -anything _warm_! I'm positively perished--that tedious cold journey -and the long drive afterwards! I always tell Rupert he would see me -_far_ oftener at Wyvern if he would only get the company to bring the -line round close to the park gates, but it has _no_ effect upon him! -(_As_ TREDWELL _announces_ SPURRELL, _who enters in trepidation_.) Mr. -James Spurrell! Who's Mr.----? Oh, to be sure; _that's_ the name of my -interesting young poet--_Andromeda_, you know, my dear! Go and be -pleasant to him, Albinia, he wants reassuring. - -_Lady Culverin_ (_a trifle nervous_). How do you do, -Mr.--ah--Spurrell? (_To herself._) I _said_ he ended in "ell"! -(_Aloud._) So pleased to see you! We think so much of your -_Andromeda_ here, you know. Quite delightful of you to find time to -run down! - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Why, _she's_ chummy, too! Old Drummy pulls -me through everything! (_Aloud._) Don't name it, my la--hum--Lady -Culverin. No trouble at all; only too proud to get your summons! - -_Lady Culverin_ (_to herself_). He doesn't seem very revolutionary! -(_Aloud._) That's so sweet of you; when so many must be absolutely -fighting to get you! - -_Spurrell._ Oh, as for that, there _is_ rather a run on me just now, -but I put everything else aside for _you_, of course! - -_Lady Culverin_ (_to herself_). He's soon _reassured_. (_Aloud, with a -touch of frost._) I am sure we must consider ourselves most fortunate. -(_Turning to the Countess._) You _did_ say cream, Rohesia? Sugar, -Maisie dearest? - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). I'm all right up to now! I suppose I'd -better say nothing about the horse till _they_ do. I feel rather out -of it among these nobs, though. I'll try and chum on to little Lady -Maisie again; she may have got over her temper by this time, and she's -the only one I know. (_He approaches her._) Well, Lady Maisie, here I -_am_, you see. I'd really no idea your aunt would be so friendly! I -say, you know, you don't mind _speaking_ to a fellow, do you? I've no -one else I can go to--and--and it's a bit strange at first, you know! - -_Lady Maisie_ (_colouring with mingled apprehension, vexation, and -pity_). If I can be of any help to you, Mr. Spurrell----! - -_Spurrell._ Well, if you'd only tell me what I ought to _do_! - -_Lady Maisie._ Surely that's very simple; do _nothing_; just take -everything quietly as it comes, and you _can't_ make any mistakes. - -_Spurrell_ (_anxiously_). And you don't think anybody'll see anything -out of the way in my being here like this? - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). I'm only too afraid they _will_! -(_Aloud._) You really _must_ have a little self-confidence. Just -remember that no one here could produce anything a millionth part as -splendid as your _Andromeda_! It's _too_ distressing to see you so -_appallingly_ humble! (_To herself._) There's Captain Thicknesse over -there--he _might_ come and rescue me; but he doesn't seem to care to! - -_Spurrell._ Well, you _do_ put some heart into me, Lady Maisie. I feel -equal to the lot of 'em now! - -_Pilliner_ (_to_ Miss SPELWANE). Is _that_ the poet? Why, but I -say--he's a _fraud_! Where's his matted head? He's not a bit ragged, -or rusty either. And why don't he dabble? Don't seem to know what to -do with his hands quite, though, _does_ he? - -_Miss Spelwane_ (_coldly_). He knows how to do some very exquisite -poetry with _one_ of them, at all events. I've been reading it, and -_I_ think it perfectly marvellous! - -_Pilliner._ I see what it is, you're preparing to turn his matted head -for him? I warn you you'll only waste your sweetness. That pretty -little Lady Maisie's annexed _him_. Can't you content yourself with -_one_ victim at a time? - -_Miss Spelwane._ Don't be so utterly idiotic! (_To herself._) If -Maisie imagines she's to be allowed to monopolise the only man in the -room worth talking to!---- - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself, as he watches_ Lady MAISIE). She is -lookin' prettier than ever! Forgotten me. Used to be friendly enough -once, though, till her mother warned me off. Seems to have a good deal -to say to that poet fellow; saw her colour up from here the moment he -came near; he's _begun_ Petrarchin', hang him! I'd cross over and -speak to her if I could catch her eye. Don't know, though; what's the -use? She wouldn't thank me for interruptin'. She likes these clever -chaps; don't signify to her if they _are_ bounders, I suppose. _I_'m -not intellectual. Gad, I wish I'd gone back to Aldershot! - -_Lady Cantire_ (_by the tea-table_). Why don't you make that woman of -yours send you up decent cakes, my dear? These are cinders. I'm afraid -you let her have too much of her own way. Now, tell me--who are your -party? Vivien Spelwane! Never have that girl to meet me again, I can't -_endure_ her; and that affected little ape of a Mr. Pilliner--h'm! Do -I see Captain Thicknesse? Now, I don't object to _him_. Maisie and he -used to be great friends.... Ah, how do you _do_, Captain Thicknesse? -Quite pleasant finding you here; such ages since we saw anything of -you! Why haven't you been near us all this time?... Oh, I may have -been out once or twice when you called; but you might have tried -again, _mightn't_ you? There, _I_ forgive you; you had better go and -see if you can make your peace with Maisie! - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself, as he obeys_). Doosid odd, Lady -Cantire comin' round like this. Wish she'd thought of it before. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_in a whisper_). He's always been such a favourite of -mine. They tell me his uncle, poor dear Lord Dunderhead, is _so_ -ill--felt the loss of his only son so terribly. Of course it will -make a great difference--in many ways. - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_constrainedly to_ Lady MAISIE). How do you do? -Afraid you've forgotten me. - -_Lady Maisie._ Oh no, indeed! (_Hurriedly._) You--you don't know Mr. -Spurrell, I think? (_Introducing them._) Captain Thicknesse. - -_Captain Thicknesse._ How are you? Been hearin' a lot about you -lately. _Andromeda_, don't you know; and that kind of thing. - -_Spurrell._ It's wonderful what a hit she seems to have made--not that -I'm _surprised_ at it, either; I always knew---- - -_Lady Maisie_ (_hastily_). Oh, Mr. Spurrell, you haven't had any tea! -_Do_ go and get some before it's taken away. - - [SPURRELL _goes_. - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Been tryin' to get you to notice me ever since -you came; but you were so awfully absorbed, you know! - -_Lady Maisie._ Was I? So absorbed as all that! What with? - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Well, it looked like it--with talkin' to your -poetical friend. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_flushing_). He is not _my_ friend in particular; I--I -admire his poetry, of course. - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself_). Can't even speak of him without -a change of colour. Bad sign that! (_Aloud._) You always _were_ keen -about poetry and literature and that in the old days, weren't you? -Used to rag me for not readin' enough. But I do now. I was readin' a -book only last week. I'll tell you the name if you give me a minute to -think--book everybody's readin' just now--no end of a clever book. - - [Miss SPELWANE _rushes across to_ Lady MAISIE. - -_Miss Spelwane._ Maisie, dear, how are you? You look _so_ tired! -That's the journey, I suppose. (_Whispering._) Do tell me--is that -really the author of _Andromeda_ drinking tea close by? You're a -_great_ friend of his, I know. Do be a dear, and introduce him to me! -I declare the dogs have made friends with him already. Poets have such -a wonderful attraction for animals, haven't they? - - [Lady MAISIE _has to bring_ SPURRELL _up and introduce - him_; Captain THICKNESSE _chooses to consider himself - dismissed_. - -_Miss Spelwane_ (_with shy adoration_). Oh, Mr. Spurrell, I feel as if -I _must_ talk to you about _Andromeda_. I _did_ so admire it! - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Another of 'em! They seem uncommonly sweet -on "bulls" in this house! (_Aloud._) Very glad to hear you say so, I'm -sure. But I'm bound to say she's about as near perfection as anything -_I_ ever--I dare say you went over her points---- - -_Miss Spelwane._ Indeed, I believe none of them were lost upon me; but -my poor little praise must seem so worthless and ignorant! - -_Spurrell_ (_indulgently_). Oh, I wouldn't say _that_. I find some -ladies very knowing about these things. I'm having a picture done of -her. - -_Miss Spelwane._ Are you really? _How_ delightful! As a frontispiece? - -_Spurrell._ Eh? Oh no--full length, and sideways--so as to show her -legs, you know. - -_Miss Spelwane._ Her legs? Oh, of _course_--with "her roseal toes -cramped." I thought that such a _wonderful_ touch! - -_Spurrell._ They're not more cramped than they ought to be; she never -turned them _in_, you know! - -_Miss Spelwane_ (_mystified_). I didn't suppose she did. And now tell -me--if it's not an indiscreet question--when do you expect there'll be -another edition? - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Another addition! _She's_ cadging for a pup -now! (_Aloud._) Oh--er--really--couldn't say. - -_Miss Spelwane._ I'm sure the first must be disposed of by this time. -I shall look out for the next _so_ eagerly! - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Time I "off"ed it. (_Aloud._) Afraid I -can't say anything definite--and, excuse me leaving you, but I think -Lady Culverin is looking my way. - -_Miss Spelwane._ Oh, by all _means_? (_To herself._) I might as well -praise a pillar-post! And after spending quite half an hour reading -him up, too! I wonder if Bertie Pilliner was right; but I shall have -him all to myself at dinner. - -_Lady Cantire._ And where is Rupert? too busy of _course_ to come and -say a word! Well, some day he may understand what a sister is--when -it's too late. Ah, here's our nice unassuming young poet coming up to -talk to you. Don't _repel_ him, my dear! - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Better give her the chance of telling me -what's wrong with the horse, I suppose. (_Aloud._) Er--nice -old-fashioned sort of house this, Lady Culverin. (_To himself._) I'll -work round to the stabling by degrees. - -_Lady Culverin_ (_coldly_). I believe it dates from the Tudors--if -that is what you mean. - -_Lady Cantire._ My dear Albinia, I _quite_ understand him; -"old-fashioned" is _exactly_ the epithet. And I was born and brought -up here, so perhaps I should know. - - [_A footman enters, and comes up to_ SPURRELL _mysteriously._ - -_Footman._ Will you let me have your keys, if you please, sir? - -_Spurrell_ (_in some alarm_). My keys! (_Suspiciously._) Why, what do -you want _them_ for? - - [Illustration: "MY KEYS! WHY, WHAT DO YOU WANT THEM FOR?"] - -_Lady Cantire_ (_in a whisper_). Isn't he _deliciously_ -unsophisticated? Quite a child of nature! (_Aloud._) My dear Mr. -Spurrell, he wants your keys to unlock your portmanteau and put out -your things; you'll be able to dress for dinner all the quicker. - -_Spurrell._ Do you mean--am I to have the honour of sitting down to -table with all of _you_? - -_Lady Culverin_ (_to herself_). Oh, my goodness, what _will_ Rupert -say? (_Aloud._) Why, of course, Mr. Spurrell; how can you ask? - -_Spurrell_ (_feebly_). I--I didn't know, that was all. (_To_ Footman.) -Here you are, then. (_To himself._) Put out my things?--he'll find -nothing to put out except a nightgown, sponge bag, and a couple of -brushes! If I'd only known I should be let in for this, I'd have -brought dress-clothes. But how _could_ I? I--I wonder if it would be -any good telling 'em quietly how it is. I shouldn't like 'em to think -I hadn't got any. (_He looks at_ Lady CANTIRE _and her sister-in-law, -who are talking in an undertone_.) No, perhaps I'd better let it -alone. I--I can allude to it in a joky sort of way when I come down! - - - - -PART VIII - -SURPRISES--AGREEABLE AND OTHERWISE - - - _In the Amber Boudoir._ Sir RUPERT _has just entered_. - -_Sir Rupert._ Ha, Maisie, my dear, glad to see you! Well, Rohesia, how -are you, eh? You're _looking_ uncommonly well! No idea you were here! - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Sir Rupert! He'll hoof me out of this -pretty soon, I expect! - -_Lady Cantire_ (_aggrieved_). We have been in the house for the best -part of an hour, Rupert--as you might have discovered by -inquiring--but no doubt you preferred your comfort to welcoming so -unimportant a guest as your sister! - -_Sir Rupert_ (_to himself_). Beginning already! (_Aloud._) Very -sorry--got rather wet riding--had to change everything. And I knew -Albinia was here. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_magnanimously_). Well, we won't begin to quarrel the -moment we meet; and you are forgetting your other guest. (_In an -undertone._) Mr. Spurrell--the poet--wrote _Andromeda_. (_Aloud._) Mr. -Spurrell, come and let me present you to my brother. - -_Sir Rupert._ Ah, how d'ye do? (_To himself, as he shakes hands._) -What the deuce am I to say to this fellow? (_Aloud._) Glad to see you -here, Mr. Spurrell--heard all about you--_Andromeda_, eh? Hope you'll -manage to amuse yourself while you're with us; afraid there's not much -you can do _now_ though. - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Horse in a bad way; time they let me see -it. (_Aloud._) Well, we must see, sir; I'll do all _I_ can. - -_Sir Rupert._ You see, the shooting's _done_ now. - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself, professionally piqued_). They might have -waited till I'd seen the horse before they shot him! After calling me -in like this! (_Aloud._) Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Sir Rupert. I -wish I could have got here earlier, I'm sure. - -_Sir Rupert._ Wish we'd asked you a month ago, if you're fond of -shooting. Thought you might look down on sport, perhaps. - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Sport? Why, he's talking of _birds_--not -the horse! (_Aloud._) Me, Sir Rupert? Not _much_! I'm as keen on a -day's gunning as any man, though I don't often get the chance now. - -_Sir Rupert_ (_to himself, pleased_). Come, he don't seem strong -against the Game Laws! (_Aloud._) Thought you didn't look as if you -sat over your desk all day! There's hunting still, of course. Don't -know whether you ride? - -_Spurrell._ Rather so, sir! Why, I was born and bred in a sporting -county, and as long as my old uncle was alive, I could go down to his -farm and get a run with the hounds now and again. - -_Sir Rupert_ (_delighted_). Capital! Well, our next meet is on -Tuesday--best part of the country; nearly all grass, and nice clean -post and rails. You must stay over for it. Got a mare that will carry -your weight perfectly, and I think I can promise you a run--eh, what -do you say? - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself, in surprise_). He _is_ a chummy old cock! -I'll wire old Spavin that I'm detained on biz; and I'll tell 'em to -send my riding-breeches and dress-clothes down! (_Aloud._) It's -uncommonly kind of you, sir, and I think I can manage to stop on a -bit. - -_Lady Culverin_ (_to herself_). Rupert must be out of his senses! It's -bad enough to have him here till Monday! (_Aloud._) We mustn't forget, -Rupert, how valuable Mr. Spurrell's time is; it would be too selfish -of us to detain him here a day longer than---- - -_Lady Cantire._ My dear, Mr. Spurrell has already said he can _manage_ -it; so we may all enjoy his society with a clear conscience. (Lady -CULVERIN _conceals her sentiments with difficulty_.) And now, Albinia, -if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go to my room and rest a little, as -I'm rather overdone, and you have all these tiresome people coming to -dinner to-night. - - [_She rises and leaves the room; the other ladies follow - her example._ - -_Lady Culverin._ Rupert, I'm going up now with Rohesia. You know where -we've put Mr. Spurrell, don't you? The Verney Chamber. - - [_She goes out._ - -_Sir Rupert._ Take you up now, if you like, Mr. Spurrell--it's only -just seven, though. Suppose you don't take an hour to dress, eh? - -_Spurrell._ Oh dear no, sir, nothing like it! (_To himself._) Won't -take me two minutes as I am now! I'd better tell him--I can say my bag -hasn't come. I don't believe it _has_, and, anyway, it's a good -excuse. (_Aloud._) The--the fact is, Sir Rupert, I'm afraid that my -luggage has been unfortunately left behind. - -_Sir Rupert._ No luggage, eh? Well, well, it's of no consequence. But -I'll ask about it--I dare say it's all right. - - [_He goes out._ - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to_ SPURRELL). Sure to have turned up, you -know--man will have seen that. Shouldn't altogether object to a glass -of sherry and bitters before dinner. Don't know how _you_ -feel--suppose you've a soul _above_ sherry and bitters, though? - -_Spurrell._ Not at this moment. But I'd soon _put_ my soul above a -sherry and bitters if I got a chance! - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_after reflection_). I say, you know, that's -rather smart, eh? (_To himself._) Aw'fly clever sort of chap, this, -but not stuck up--not half a bad sort, if he _is_ a bit of a bounder. -(_Aloud._) Anythin' in the evenin' paper? Don't get 'em down here. - - [Illustration: "I SAY, YOU KNOW, THAT'S RATHER SMART, EH?"] - -_Spurrell._ Nothing much. I see there's an objection to Monkey-tricks. - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_startled_). No, by Jove! Hope they'll overrule -it--make a lot of difference to me if they don't. - -_Spurrell._ Don't fancy there's much in it. Your money's safe enough, -I expect. Have you any particular fancy for the Grand National? I know -something that's safe to win, bar accidents--a dead cert, sir! Got the -tip straight from the stable. You just take my advice, and pile all -you can on Jumping Joan. - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_later, to himself, after a long and highly -interesting conversation_). Thunderin' clever chap--never knew poets -_were_ such clever chaps. Might be a "bookie," by Gad! No wonder -Maisie thinks such a lot of him! - - [_He sighs._ - -_Sir Rupert_ (_returning_). Now, Mr. Spurrell, if you'll come upstairs -with me, I'll show you your quarters. By the way, I've made inquiries -about your luggage, and I think you'll find it's all right. (_As he -leads the way up the staircase._) Rather awkward for you if you'd had -to come down to dinner just as you are, eh? - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Oh, lor, my beastly bag _has_ come after -all! Now they'll _know_ I didn't bring a dress suit. What an owl I was -to tell him! (_Aloud, feebly._) Oh--er--very awkward indeed, Sir -Rupert! - -_Sir Rupert_ (_stopping at a bedroom door_). Verney Chamber--here you -are. Ah, my wife forgot to have your name put on the door--better do -it now, eh? (_He writes it on the card in the door-plate._) -There--well, hope you'll find it all comfortable--we dine at eight, -you know. You've plenty of time for all you've got to do! - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). If I only knew _what_ to do! I shall never -have the cheek to come down as I am! - - [_He enters the Verney Chamber dejectedly._ - - - _In an Upper Corridor in the East Wing._ - -_Steward's Room Boy_ (to UNDERSHELL). This is your room, sir--you'll -find a fire lit and all. - -_Undershell_ (_scathingly_). A fire? For me! I scarcely expected such -an indulgence. You are _sure_ there's no mistake? - -_Boy._ This is the room I was told, sir. You'll find candles on the -mantelpiece, and matches. - -_Undershell._ Every luxury indeed! I am pampered--_pampered_! - -_Boy._ Yes, sir. And I was to say as supper's at ar-past nine, but -Mrs. Pomfret would be 'appy to see you in the Pugs' Parlour whenever -you pleased to come down and set there. - -_Undershell._ The Pugs' Parlour? - -_Boy._ What we call the 'ousekeeper's room, among ourselves, sir. - -_Undershell._ Mrs. Pomfret does me too much honour. And shall I have -the satisfaction of seeing your intelligent countenance at the festive -board, my lad? - -_Boy_ (_giggling_). On'y to _wait_, sir. I don't set down to meals -along with the _upper_ servants, sir! - -_Undershell._ And I--a mere man of genius--_do_! These distinctions -must strike you as most arbitrary; but restrain any natural envy, my -young friend. I assure you I am not puffed up by this promotion! - -_Boy._ No, sir. (_To himself, as he goes out._) I believe he's a bit -dotty, I do. I don't understand a word he's been a-talking of! - -_Undershell_ (_alone, surveying the surroundings_). A cockloft, with a -painted iron bedstead, a smoky chimney, no bell, and a text over the -mantelpiece! Thank Heaven, that fellow Drysdale can't see me here! But -I will not sleep in this place, my pride will only just bear the -strain of staying to supper--no more. And I'm hanged if I go down to -the housekeeper's room till hunger drives me. It's not eight yet--how -shall I pass the time? Ha, I see they've favoured me with pen and ink. -I will invoke the Muse. Indignation should make verses, as it did for -Juvenal; and _he_ was never set down to sup with slaves! - - [_He writes._ - - - _In the Verney Chamber._ - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). My word, what a room! Carpet hung all over -the walls, big fourposter, carved ceiling, great fireplace with -blazing logs,--if this is how they do a _vet_ here, what price the -_other_ fellows' rooms? And to think I shall have to do without -dinner, just when I was getting on with 'em all so swimmingly! I -_must_. I can't, for the credit of the profession--to say nothing of -the firm--turn up in a monkey jacket and tweed bags, and that's all -_I've_ got except a nightgown!... It's all very well for Lady Maisie -to say, "Take everything as it comes," but if she was in _my_ fix!... -And it isn't as if I hadn't _got_ dress things either. If only I'd -brought 'em down, I'd have marched in to dinner as cool as a---- (_he -lights a pair of candles._) Hullo! What's that on the bed? (_He -approaches it._) Shirt! white tie! socks! coat, waistcoat, -trousers--they _are_ dress clothes!... And here's a pair of brushes on -the table! I'll swear they're not _mine_--there's a monogram on -them--"U.G." What does it all mean? Why, of course! regular old trump, -Sir Rupert, and naturally he wants me to do him credit. He saw how it -was, and he's gone and rigged me out! In a house like this, they're -ready for emergencies--keep all sizes in stock, I dare say.... It -isn't "U.G." on the brushes--it's "G.U."--"Guest's Use." Well, this is -what I call doing the thing in style! _Cinderella's_ nothing to it! -Only hope they're a decent fit. (_Later, as he dresses._) Come, the -shirt's all right; trousers a trifle short--but they'll let down; -waistcoat--whew, must undo the buckle--hang it, it _is_ undone! I feel -like a hooped barrel in it! Now the coat--easy does it. Well, it's -_on_; but I shall have to be peeled like a walnut to get it off -again.... Shoes? ah, here they are--pair of pumps. Phew--must have -come from the Torture Exhibition in Leicester Square; glass slippers -nothing to 'em! But they'll have to do at a pinch; and they _do_ pinch -like blazes! Ha, ha, that's good! I must tell that to the Captain. -(_He looks at himself in a mirror._) Well, I can't say they're up to -mine for cut and general style; but they're passable. And now I'll go -down to the drawing-room and get on terms with all the smarties! - - [_He saunters out with restored complacency._ - - - - -PART IX - -THE MAUVAIS QUART D'HEURE - - _In the Chinese Drawing-room at Wyvern._ TIME--7.50. Lady - CULVERIN _is alone, glancing over a written list_. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_entering_). Down already, Albinia? I _thought_ if I -made haste I should get a quiet chat with you before anybody else came -in. What is that paper? Oh, the list of couples for Rupert. May I see? -(_As_ Lady CULVERIN _surrenders it_.) My dear, you're _not_ going to -inflict that mincing little Pilliner boy on poor Maisie! That really -_won't do_. At least let her have somebody she used to. Why not -Captain Thicknesse? He's an old friend, and she's not seen him for -months. I must alter that, if you've no objection. (_She does._) And -then you've given my poor poet to that Spelwane girl! Now, _why_? - -_Lady Culverin._ I thought she wouldn't mind putting up with him just -for one evening. - -_Lady Cantire._ Wouldn't _mind_! Putting up with him! And is that how -you speak of a celebrity when you are so fortunate as to have one to -entertain? _Really_, Albinia! - -_Lady Culverin._ But, my dear Rohesia, you must allow that, whatever -his talents may be, he is not--well, not _quite_ one of Us. Now, _is_ -he? - -_Lady Cantire_ (_blandly_). My dear, I never heard he had any -connection with the manufacture of chemical manures, in which your -worthy papa so greatly distinguished himself--if _that_ is what you -mean. - -_Lady Culverin_ (_with some increase of colour_). That is _not_ what I -meant, Rohesia--as you know perfectly well. And I do say that this Mr. -Spurrell's manner is most objectionable; when he's not obsequious, -he's horribly familiar! - -_Lady Cantire_ (_sharply_). I have not observed it. He strikes me as -well enough--for that class of person. And it is intellect, soul, all -that kind of thing that _I_ value. I look _below_ the surface, and I -find a great deal that is very original and charming in this young -man. And surely, my dear, if I find myself able to associate with him, -_you_ need not be so fastidious! I consider him my _protégé_, and I -won't have him slighted. He is far too good for Vivien Spelwane! - -_Lady Culverin_ (_with just a suspicion of malice_). Perhaps, Rohesia, -you would like him to take _you_ in? - -_Lady Cantire._ That, of course, is quite out of the question. I see -you have given me the Bishop--he's a poor, dry stick of a man--never -forgets he was the Headmaster of Swisham--but he's always glad to meet -_me_. I freshen him up so. - -_Lady Culverin._ I really don't know whom I _can_ give Mr. Spurrell. -There's Rhoda Cokayne, but she's not poetical, and she'll get on much -better with Archie Bearpark. Oh, I forgot Mrs. Brooke-Chatteris--she's -sure to _talk_, at all events. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_as she corrects the list_). A lively, agreeable -woman--she'll amuse him. _Now_ you can give Rupert the list. - - [Sir RUPERT _and various members of the house-party appear - one by one_; Lord _and_ Lady LULLINGTON, _the_ Bishop - of BIRCHESTER _and_ Mrs. RODNEY, Mr. _and_ Mrs. EARWAKER, - _and_ Mr. SHORTHORN _are announced at intervals; - salutations, recognitions, and commonplaces are exchanged_. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_later--to the_ Bishop, _genially_). Ah, my dear -Bishop, you and I haven't met since we had our great battle -about--now, was it the necessity of throwing open the Public Schools -to the lower classes--for whom of course they were originally -_intended_--or was it the failure of the Church to reach the working -man? I really forget. - -_The Bishop_ (_who has a holy horror of the_ Countess). I--ah--fear I -cannot charge my memory so precisely, my dear Lady Cantire. -We--ah--differ unfortunately on so many subjects. I trust, however, we -may--ah--agree to suspend hostilities on this occasion? - -_Lady Cantire_ (_with even more bonhomie_). Don't be too sure of -_that_, Bishop. I've several crows to pluck with you, and we are to go -in to dinner together, you know! - -_The Bishop._ Indeed? I had no conception that such a pleasure was in -store for me! (_To himself._) This must be the penance for breaking my -rule of never dining out on Saturday! Severe--but not unmerited! - -_Lady Cantire._ I wonder, Bishop, if you have seen this wonderful -volume of poetry that every one is talking about--_Andromeda_? - -_The Bishop_ (_conscientiously_). I chanced only this morning, by way -of momentary relaxation, to take up a journal containing a notice of -that work, with copious extracts. The impression left on my mind -was--ah--unfavourable; a certain talent, no doubt, some felicity of -expression, but a noticeable lack of the--ah--reticence, the -discipline, the--the scholarly touch which a training at one of our -great Public Schools (I forbear to particularise), and at a -University, can alone impart. I was also pained to observe a crude -discontent with the existing Social System--a system which, if not -absolutely perfect, cannot be upset or even modified without the -gravest danger. But I was still more distressed to note in several -passages a decided taint of the morbid sensuousness which renders so -much of our modern literature sickly and unwholesome. - -_Lady Cantire._ All prejudice, my dear Bishop; why, you haven't even -_read_ the book! However, the author is staying here now, and I feel -convinced that if you only knew him, you'd alter your opinion. Such an -unassuming, inoffensive creature! There, he's just come in. I'll call -him over here.... Goodness, why does he shuffle along in that way! - -_Spurrell_ (_meeting_ Sir RUPERT). Hope I've kept nobody waiting for -_me_, Sir Rupert. (_Confidentially._) I'd rather a job to get these -things on; but they're really a wonderful fit, considering! - - [_He passes on, leaving his host speechless._ - - [Illustration: "I'D RATHER A JOB TO GET THESE THINGS ON; BUT - THEY'RE REALLY A WONDERFUL FIT, CONSIDERING!"] - -_Lady Cantire._ That's right, Mr. Spurrell. Come here, and let me -present you to the Bishop of Birchester. The Bishop has just been -telling me he considers your _Andromeda_ sickly, or unhealthy, or -something. I'm sure you'll be able to convince him it's nothing of the -sort. - - [_She leaves him with the_ Bishop, _who is visibly annoyed_. - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself, overawed_). Oh, Lor! Wish I knew the right -way to talk to a Bishop. Can't call _him_ nothing--so doosid familiar. -(_Aloud._) _Andromeda_ sickly, your--(_tentatively_)--your Right -Reverence? Not a bit of it--sound as a roach! - -_The Bishop._ If I had thought my--ah--criticisms were to be -repeated--I might say misrepresented, as the Countess has thought -proper to do, Mr. Spurrell, I should not have ventured to make them. -At the same time, you must be conscious yourself, I think, of certain -blemishes which would justify the terms I employed. - -_Spurrell._ I never saw any in _Andromeda_ myself, your--your -Holiness. You're the first to find a fault in her. I don't say there -mayn't be something dicky about the setting and the turn of the tail, -but that's a trifle. - -_The Bishop._ I did not refer to the setting of the tale, and the -portions I object to are scarcely trifles. But pardon me if I prefer -to end a discussion that can hardly be other than unprofitable. (_To -himself, as he turns on his heel._) A most arrogant, self-satisfied, -and conceited young man--a truly lamentable product of this -half-educated age! - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Well, he may be a dab at dogmas--he don't -know much about dogs. Drummy's got a constitution worth a dozen of -_his_! - -_Lady Culverin_ (_approaching him_). Oh, Mr. Spurrell, Lord Lullington -is most anxious to know you. If you will come with me. (_To herself, -as she leads him up to_ Lord LULLINGTON.) I do _wish_ Rohesia wouldn't -force me to do this sort of thing! - - [_She presents him._ - -_Lord Lullington_ (_to himself_). I suppose I _ought_ to know all -about his novel, or whatever it is he's done. (_Aloud, with -courtliness._) Very pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. Spurrell; -you've--ah--delighted the world by your _Andromeda_. When are we to -look for your next production? Soon, I hope. - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). _He's_ after a pup now! Never met such a -doggy lot in my life! (_Aloud._) Er--well, my lord, I've promised so -many as it is, that I hardly see my way to---- - -_Lord Lullington_ (_paternally_). Take my advice, my dear young man, -leave yourself as free as possible. Expect you to give us your best, -you know. - - [_He turns to continue a conversation._ - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). _Give_ it! He won't get it under a -five-pound note, I can tell him. (_He makes his way to_ Miss -SPELWANE.) I say, what do you think the old Bishop's been up to? -Pitching into _Andromeda_ like the very dooce--says she's _sickly_! - -_Miss Spelwane_ (_to herself_). He brings his literary disappointments -to _me_, not Maisie! (_Aloud, with the sweetest sympathy._) How -dreadfully unjust! Oh, I've dropped my fan--no, pray don't trouble; I -can pick it up. My arms are so long, you know--like a kangaroo's--no, -what is that animal which has such long arms? You're so clever, you -_ought_ to know! - -_Spurrell._ I suppose you mean a gorilla? - -_Miss Spelwane._ How crushing of you! But you must go away now, or -else you'll find nothing to say to me at dinner--you take me in, you -know. I hope you feel privileged. _I_ feel---- But if I told you, I -might make you too conceited! - -_Spurrell_ (_gracefully_). Oh, it's not so easily done as all _that_! - - [Sir RUPERT _approaches with_ Mr. SHORTHORN. - -_Sir Rupert._ Vivien, my dear, let me introduce Mr. Shorthorn--Miss -Spelwane. (_To_ SPURRELL.) Let me see--ha--yes, you take in Mrs. -Chatteris. Don't know her? Come this way, and I'll find her for you. - - [_He marches_ SPURRELL _off_. - -_Mr. Shorthorn_ (_to_ Miss SPELWANE). Good thing getting this rain at -last; a little more of this dry weather and we should have had no -grass to speak of! - -_Miss Spelwane_ (_who has not quite recovered from her -disappointment_). And now you _will_ have some grass to speak of? -_How_ fortunate! - -_Spurrell_ (_as dinner is announced, to_ Lady MAISIE). I say, Lady -Maisie, I've just been told I've got to take in a married lady. _I_ -don't know what to talk to her about. I should feel a lot more at home -with you. Couldn't we work it somehow? - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). What a fearful suggestion--but I simply -_daren't_ snub him! (_Aloud._) I'm afraid, Mr. Spurrell, we must both -put up with the partners we have; most distressing, isn't it--_but_! - - [_She gives a little shrug._ - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_immediately behind her, to himself_). Gad, -_that's_ pleasant! I knew I'd better have gone to Aldershot! -(_Aloud._) I've been told off to take you in, Lady Maisie--not _my_ -fault, don't you know. - -_Lady Maisie._ There's no need to be so apologetic about it. (_To -herself._) Oh, I _hope_ he didn't hear what I said to that wretch! - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Well, I rather thought there _might_ be, -perhaps. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). He _did_ hear it. If he's going to be so -stupid as to misunderstand, I'm sure _I_ shan't explain. - - [_They take their place in the procession to the - dining-hall._ - - - - -PART X - -BORROWED PLUMES - - - _In_ UNDERSHELL'S _Bedroom in the East Wing at Wyvern_. - TIME--_About_ 9 P.M. - -_The Steward's Room Boy_ (_knocking and entering_). Brought you up -some 'ot water, sir, case you'd like to clean up afore supper. - -_Undershell._ I presume evening dress is not indispensable in the -housekeeper's room; but I can hardly make even the simplest toilet -until you are good enough to bring up my portmanteau. Where is it? - -_Boy._ I never 'eard nothink of no porkmanteau, sir! - -_Undershell._ You will hear a good deal about it, unless it is -forthcoming at once. Just find out what's become of it--a new -portmanteau, with a white star painted on it. - - [_The Boy retires, impressed. An interval._ - -_Boy_ (_reappearing_). I managed to get a few words with Thomas, our -second footman, just as he was coming out o' the 'all, and _he_ sez -the only porkmanteau with a white star was took up to the Verney -Chamber, which Thomas unpacked it hisself. - -_Undershell._ Then tell Thomas, with my compliments, that he will -trouble himself to pack it again immediately. - -_Boy._ But Thomas has to wait at table, and besides, he says as he -laid out the dress things, and the gen'lman as is in the Verney -Chamber is a wearin' of 'em now, sir. - -_Undershell_ (_indignant_). But they're _mine_! Confound his -impudence! Here, I'll write him a line at once. (_He scribbles a -note._) There, see that the gentleman of the Verney Chamber gets this -at once, and bring me his answer. - -_Boy._ What! _me_ go into the dinin'-'all, with all the swells at -table? I dursn't. I should get the sack from old Treddy. - -_Undershell._ I don't care who takes it so long as it _is_ taken. Tell -Thomas it's _his_ mistake, and he must do what he can to put it right. -Say I shall certainly complain if I don't get back my clothes and -portmanteau. Get that note delivered somehow, and I'll give you -half-a-crown. (_To himself, as the_ Boy _departs, much against his -will._) If Lady Culverin doesn't consider me fit to appear at her -dinner-table, I don't see why my evening clothes should be more -privileged! - - _In the Dining-hall. The table is oval_; SPURRELL _is - placed between_ Lady RHODA COKAYNE _and_ Mrs. - BROOKE-CHATTERIS. - -_Mrs. Chatteris_ (_encouragingly, after they are seated_). Now, I -shall expect you to be very brilliant and entertaining. _I_'ll do all -the listening for once in a way--though, generally, I can talk about -all manner of silly things with _anybody_! - -_Spurrell_ (_extremely ill at ease_). Oh--er--I should say you were -quite equal to _that_. But I really can't think of anything to talk -_about_. - -_Mrs. Chatteris._ That's a bad beginning. I always find the _menu_ -cards such a good subject, when there's anything at all out of the -common about them. If they're ornamented, you _can_ talk about -them--though not for _very_ long at a time, don't you think? - -_Spurrell_ (_miserably_). I can't say how long I could go on about -_ornamented_ ones--but these are plain. (_To himself._) I can hear -this waistcoat going already--and we're only at the soup! - -_Mrs. Chatteris._ It _is_ a pity. Never mind; tell me about literary -and artistic people. Do you know, I'm rather glad I'm not literary or -artistic myself; it seems to make people so _queer-looking_, somehow. -Oh, of course I didn't mean _you_ looked queer--but _generally_, you -know. You've made quite a success with your _Andromeda_, haven't you? -I only go by what I'm told--I don't read much myself. We women have so -many really serious matters to attend to--arranging about dinners, and -visits, and trying on frocks, and then rushing about from party to -party. I so seldom get a quiet moment. Ah, I knew I wanted to ask you -something. Did you ever know any one called Lady Grisoline? - -_Spurrell._ Lady--er--Grisoline? No; can't say I do. I know Lady -Maisie, that's all. - -_Mrs. Chatteris._ Oh, and _she_ was the original? Now, that _is_ -exciting! But I should hardly have recognised her--"lanky," you know, -and "slanting green eyes." But I suppose you see everybody differently -from other people? It's having so much imagination. I dare say _I_ -look green or something to you now--though really I'm _not_. - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). I don't understand more than about half -she's saying. (_Aloud._) Oh, I don't see anything particularly green -about _you_. - -_Mrs. Chatteris_ (_only partially pleased_). I wonder if you meant -that to be complimentary--no, you needn't explain. Now, tell me, is -there any news about the Laureateship? Who's going to get it? Will it -be Swinburne or Lewis Morris? - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Never heard of the stakes or the horses -either. (_Aloud._) Well, to tell you the truth, I haven't been -following their form--too many of these small events nowadays. - -_Mrs. Chatteris_ (_to herself_). It's quite amusing how jealous these -poets are of one another! (_Aloud._) Is it true they get a butt of -sherry given them for it? - -_Spurrell._ I've heard of winners getting a bottle or two of champagne -in a bucket--not sherry. But a little stimulant won't hurt a crack -when he comes in, provided it's not given him too soon; wait till he's -got his wind and done blowing, you know. - -_Mrs. Chatteris._ I'm taking that in. I know it's very witty and -satirical, and I dare say I shall understand it in time. - -_Spurrell._ Oh, it doesn't matter much if you don't. (_To himself._) -Pleasant kind of woman--but a perfect fool to talk to! - -_Mrs. Chatteris_ (_to herself_). I've always _heard_ that clever -writers are rather stupid when you meet them--it's quite true. - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself_). I should like her to see that -I've got some imagination in me, though she _does_ think me such an -ass. (_Aloud, to_ Lady MAISIE.) Jolly old hall this is, with the -banners, and the gallery, and that--makes you fancy some of those old -mediæval Johnnies in armour--knights, you know--comin' clankin' in and -turnin' us all out. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). I do trust Mr. Spurrell isn't saying -something too dreadful. I'm sure I heard my name just now. (_Aloud, -absently, to_ Captain THICKNESSE.) No, did you _really_? How amusing -it must have been! - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_aggrieved_). If you'd done me the honour of -payin' any attention to what I was sayin', you'd have found out it -_wasn't_ amusin'. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_starting_). Oh, _wasn't_ it? I'm so sorry I missed it. -I--I'm afraid I was thinking of something else. Do tell me again! - -_Captain Thicknesse_, (_still hurt_). No, I won't inflict it on -you--not worth repeatin'. And I should only be takin' off your -attention from a fellow that _does_ know how to talk. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_with a guiltiness which she tries to carry off under -dignity_). I don't think I understand what you mean. - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Well, I couldn't help hearin' what you said to -your poet-friend before we went in about having to put up with -partners; and it isn't what you may call flattering to a fellow's -feelin's, being put up with. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_hotly_). It--it was not intended for you. You entirely -misunderstood! - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Dare say I'm very dense; but, even to _my_ -comprehension, it's plain enough that the reason why you weren't -listenin' to me just now was that the poet had the luck to say -somethin' that you found more interesting. - -_Lady Maisie._ You are _quite_ wrong--it's too absurd; I never even -met Mr. Spurrell in my life till this afternoon. If you really _must_ -know, I heard him mention my name, and--and I wondered, naturally, -what he could possibly be saying. - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Somethin' very charmin', and poetical, and -complimentary, I'm sure, and I'm makin' you lose it all. -Apologise--shan't happen again. - -_Lady Maisie._ Please be sensible, and let us talk of something else. -Are you staying here long? - -_Captain Thicknesse._ You will be gratified to hear I leave for -Aldershot to-morrow. Meant to have gone to-day. Sorry I _didn't_ now. - -_Lady Maisie._ I think it was a thousand pities you didn't, as you -seem to have stayed on purpose to be as stupid and unkind as you -possibly can. - - [_She turns to her other neighbour_, Lord LULLINGTON. - -_Mrs. Chatteris_ (_to_ Captain THICKNESSE, _who is on her other -side_). Oh, Captain Thicknesse, what _do_ you think Mr. Spurrell has -just told me? You remember those lines to Lady Grisoline that Mr. -Pilliner made such fun of this morning? Well, they were meant for Lady -Maisie! They're quite old friends, it seems. _So_ romantic! Wouldn't -you like to know how they came to meet? - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Can't say I'm particularly curious--no affair of -mine, don't you know. (_To himself._) And she told me they'd never met -before! Sooner I get back the better. Only in the way here. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_turning to him_). Well, are you as determined to be as -disagreeable as ever? Oh yes, I see you are! - -_Captain Thicknesse._ I'm hurt, that's what it is, and I'm not clever -at hiding my feelin's. Fact is, I've just been told somethin' -that--well, it's no business of _mine_, only you _might_ have been a -little more frank with an old friend, instead of leavin' it to come -through somebody else. These things always come out, you know. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). That wretch _has_ been talking! I knew -he would! (_Aloud._) I--I know I've been very foolish. If I was to -tell you some time---- - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_hastily_). Oh, no reason why you should tell me -anything. Assure you, I--I'm not curious. - -_Lady Maisie._ In that case I shall certainly not trouble you. (_To -herself._) He may think just what he pleases, _I_ don't care. But, oh, -if Mr. Spurrell dares to speak to me after this, I shall astonish him! - -_Lady Rhoda_ (_to_ SPURRELL). I say--I _am_ in a funk. Only just heard -who I'm next to. I always do feel such a perfect fool when I've got to -talk to a famous person--and you're _frightfully_ famous, aren't you? - -_Spurrell_ (_modestly_). Oh, I don't know--I suppose I _am_, in a sort -of way, through _Andromeda_. Seem to think so _here_, anyhow. - -_Lady Rhoda._ Well, I'd better tell you at once, I'm no good at -poetry--can't make head or tail of it, some'ow. It does seem to me -such--well, such footle. Awf'ly rude of me sayin' things like that! - - [Illustration: "IT DOES SEEM TO ME SUCH--WELL, SUCH FOOTLE."] - -_Spurrell._ Is it? I'm just the same--wouldn't give a penny a yard for -poetry, myself! - -_Lady Rhoda._ You wouldn't? I _am_ glad. _Such_ a let-off for me! I -was afraid you'd want to talk of nothin' else, and the only things I -can really talk about are horses and dogs, and that kind of thing. - -_Spurrell._ That's all right, then. All I don't know about dogs and -horses you could put in a homoeopathic globule--and _then_ it would -rattle! - -_Lady Rhoda._ Then you're just the man. Look here, I've an Airedale at -home, and he's losin' all his coat and---- - - [_They converse with animation._ - -_Spurrell_ (_later--to himself_). I am getting on. I always knew I -was made for Society. If only this coat was easier under the arms! - -_Thomas_ (_behind him--in a discreet whisper_). Beg your pardon, -sir, but I was requested to 'and you this note, and wait for an -answer. - -_Spurrell_ (_opening it, and reading_). "Mr. Galfrid Undershell thinks -that the gentleman who is occupying the Verney Chamber has, doubtless -by inadvertence, put on Mr. Undershell's evening clothes. As he -requires them immediately, he will be obliged by an early appointment -being made, with a view to their return." (_To himself._) Oh, Lor! -Then it _wasn't_ Sir Rupert, after all! Just when I was beginning to -enjoy my evening, too. What on earth am I to say to this chap? I -_can't_ take 'em all off here! - - [_He sits staring at the paper in blank dismay._ - - - - -PART XI - -TIME AND THE HOUR - - - _In the Dining-hall._ - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself, uncomfortably conscious of the expectant_ -THOMAS _in his rear_). Must write _something_ to this beggar, I -suppose; it'll keep him quiet. (_To_ Mrs. BROOKE-CHATTERIS.) I--I just -want to write a line or two. Could you oblige me with a lead pencil? - -_Mrs. Chatteris._ You are really going to write! At a dinner-party, of -all places! Now _how_ delightfully original and unconventional of you! -I promise not to interrupt till the inspiration is over. Only, really, -I'm afraid I don't carry lead pencils about with me--so bad for one's -frocks, you know! - -_Thomas_ (_in his ear_). I can lend you a pencil, sir, if you require -one. - - [_He provides him with a very minute stump._ - -_Spurrell_ (_reading what he has written on the back of_ UNDERSHELL'S -_missive_). "Will be in my room (Verney Chamber) as soon after ten as -possible. - - "J. SPURRELL." - -(_He passes the paper to_ THOMAS _surreptitiously_.) There, take him -that. - - [THOMAS _retires_. - -_Archie_ (_to himself_.) The calm cheek of these writin' chaps! I saw -him takin' notes under the table! Lady Rhoda ought to know the sort of -fellow he is--and she shall! (_To_ Lady RHODA, _in an aggrieved -undertone_.) I should advise you to be jolly careful what you say to -your other neighbour; he's takin' it all down. I just caught him -writin'. He'll be bringing out a satire, or whatever he calls it, on -us all by and bye--you see if he won't! - -_Lady Rhoda._ What an ill-natured boy you are! Just because _he_ can -write, and you _can't_. And I don't believe he's doing anythin' of the -sort. I'll ask him--_I_ don't care! (_Aloud, to_ SPURRELL.) I say, I -know I'm awfully inquisitive--but I do want to know so--you've just -been writin' notes or somethin', haven't you? Mr. Bearpark declares -you're goin' to take them all off here--you're not really, _are_ you? - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). That sulky young chap has spotted it! -(_Aloud, stammering._) I--take everything off? _Here!_ I--I assure -you I should never even _think_ of doing anything so indelicate! - -_Lady Rhoda._ I was sure that was what you'd say! But still (_with -reviving uneasiness_), I suppose you _have_ made use of things that -happened just to fit your purpose, haven't you? - -_Spurrell_ (_penitently_). All I can say is, that--if I have--you -won't catch me doing it _again_! And other people's things _don't_ -fit. I'd much rather have my own. - -_Lady Rhoda_ (_relieved_). Of course! But I'm glad you told me. (_To_ -ARCHIE, _in an undertone_.) I _asked_ him--and, as usual, you were -utterly wrong. So you'll please not to be a pig! - -_Archie_ (_jealously_). And you're goin' to go on talkin' to him all -through dinner? Pleasant for me--when I took you down! - -_Lady Rhoda._ You want to be taken down yourself, I think. And I mean -to talk to him if I choose. You can talk to Lady Culverin--she likes -boys! (_Turning to_ SPURRELL.) I was goin' to ask you--ought a -schipperke to have meat? Mine won't touch puppy biscuits. - - [SPURRELL _enlightens her on this point_; ARCHIE _glowers_. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_perceiving that the_ Bishop _is showing signs of -restiveness_). Well, Bishop, I wish I could find you a little more -ready to listen to what the other side has to say! - -_The Bishop_ (_who has been "heckled" to the verge of his endurance._) -I am--ah--not conscious of any unreadiness to enter into conversation -with the very estimable lady on my other side, should an opportunity -present itself. - -_Lady Cantire._ Now, that's one of your quibbles, my dear Bishop, and -I detest quibbling! But at least it shows you haven't a leg to stand -upon. - -_The Bishop._ Precisely--nor to--ah--run away upon, dear lady. I am -wholly at your mercy, you perceive! - -_Lady Cantire_ (_triumphantly_). Then you _admit_ you're beaten? Oh, I -don't despair of you _yet_, Bishop. - -_The Bishop._ I confess I am less sanguine. (_To himself._) Shall I -have strength to bear these buffets with any remains of Christian -forbearance through three more courses? Ha, thank Heaven, the salad! - - [_He cheers up at the sight of this olive-branch._ - -_Mrs. Earwaker_ (_to_ PILLINER). Now, I don't altogether approve of -the New Woman myself; but still, I am glad to see how women are -beginning to assert themselves and come to the front; surely you -sympathise with all that? - -_Pilliner_ (_plaintively_). No, really I _can't_, you know! I'd so -much rather they _wouldn't_. They've made us poor men feel positively -obsolete! They'll snub us out of existence soon--our sex will be -extinct--and then they'll be sorry. There'll be nobody to protect them -from one another! After all, we can't help being what we are. It isn't -_my_ fault that I was born a Man Thing--now, _is_ it? - -_Lady Cantire_ (_overhearing this remark_). Well, if it _is_ a fault, -Mr. Pilliner, we must all acknowledge that you've done everything in -your power to correct it! - -_Pilliner_ (_sweetly_). How nice and encouraging of you, dear Lady -Cantire, to take up the cudgels for me like that! - - [Lady CANTIRE _privately relieves her feelings by - expressing a preference for taking up a birch rod, and - renews her attack on the_ Bishop. - -_Mr. Shorthorn_ (_who has been dragging his mental depths for a fresh -topic--hopefully, to_ Miss SPELWANE). By the bye, I haven't asked you -what you thought about these--er--revolting daughters? - -_Miss Spelwane._ No, you haven't; and I thought it _so_ considerate of -you. - - [Mr. SHORTHORN _gives up dragging, in discouragement_. - -_Pilliner_ (_sotto voce, to_ Miss SPELWANE). Have you quite done -sitting on that poor unfortunate man? _I_ heard you! - -_Miss Spelwane_ (_in the same tone_). I'm afraid I _have_ been rather -beastly to him. But, oh, he _is_ such a bore--he _would_ talk about -his horrid "silos," till I asked him whether they would eat out of his -hand. After that, the subject dropped--somehow. - -_Pilliner._ I see you've been punishing him for not happening to be a -distinguished poet. I thought _he_ was to have been the fortunate man? - -_Miss Spelwane._ So he was; but they changed it all at the last -moment; it really was rather provoking. I _could_ have talked to -_him_. - -_Pilliner._ Lady Rhoda appears to be consoling him. Poor dear old -Archie's face is quite a study. But really I don't see that his poetry -is so very wonderful; no more did _you_ this morning! - -_Miss Spelwane._ Because you deliberately picked out the worst bits, -and read them as badly as you could! - -_Pilliner._ Ah, well, he's here to read them for himself now. I dare -say he'd be delighted to be asked. - -_Miss Spelwane._ Do you know, Bertie, that's rather a good idea of -yours. I'll ask him to read us something to-night. - -_Pilliner_ (_aghast_). To-night! With all these people here? I say, -they'll never _stand_ it, you know. - - [Lady CULVERIN _gives the signal_. - -_Miss Spelwane_ (_as she rises_). They ought to feel it an immense -privilege. I know _I_ shall. - -_The Bishop_ (_to himself, as he rises_). Port in sight--at last! But, -oh, _what_ I have had to suffer! - -_Lady Cantire_ (_at parting_). Well, we've had quite one of our old -discussions. I always enjoy talking to _you_, Bishop. But I haven't -_yet_ got at your reasons for voting as you did on the Parish Councils -Bill; we must go into that upstairs. - -_The Bishop_ (_with strict veracity_). I shall be--ah--all impatience, -Lady Cantire. (_To himself._) I fervently trust that a repetition of -this experience may yet be spared me! - - [Illustration: "I SHALL BE--AH--ALL IMPATIENCE, LADY - CANTIRE."] - -_Lady Rhoda_ (_as she leaves_ SPURRELL). You will tell me the name of -the stuff upstairs, won't you? So very much ta! - -_Archie_ (_to himself_). I'd like to tar him very much, and feather -him too, for cuttin' me out like this! (_The men sit down_; SPURRELL -_finds himself between_ ARCHIE _and_ Captain THICKNESSE, _at the -further end of the table_; ARCHIE _passes the wine to_ SPURRELL _with -a scowl_.) What are you drinkin'? Claret? What do you do your writin' -on, now, as a general thing? - -_Spurrell_ (_on the defensive_). On paper, sir, when I've any to do. -Do you do yours on a _slate_? - -_Captain Thicknesse._ I say, that's rather good. Had you there, -Bearpark! - -_Spurrell_ (_to_ ARCHIE, _lowering his voice_). Look here, I see -you're trying to put a spoke in my wheel. You saw me writing at -dinner, and went and told that young lady I was going to take -everything off there and then, which you must have known I wasn't -likely to do. Now, sir, it's no business of yours that I can see; but, -as you seem to be interested, I may tell you that I shall go up and do -it in my own room, as soon as I leave this table, and there will be no -fuss or publicity about it whatever. I hope you're satisfied now? - -_Archie._ Oh, _I_'m satisfied. (_He rises._) Left my cigarette-case -upstairs--horrid bore--must go and get it. - -_Captain Thicknesse._ They'll be bringing some round in another -minute. - -_Archie._ Prefer my own. (_To himself, as he leaves the hall._) I knew -I was right. That bounder _is_ meaning to scribble some rot about us -all! He's goin' straight up to his room to do it.... Well, he may find -a little surprise when he gets there! - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself_). Mustn't let this poet fellow -think I'm jealous; dare say, after all, there's nothing serious -between them. Not that it matters to me; any way, I may as well talk -to him. I wonder if he knows anything about steeplechasin'. - - [_He discovers that_ SPURRELL _is not unacquainted with - this branch of knowledge_. - - - _In a Corridor leading to the Housekeeper's Room._ - - TIME--9.30 P.M. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). If I wasn't absolutely compelled by sheer -hunger, I would not touch a morsel in this house. But I can't get my -things back till after ten. As soon as ever I do, I will insist on a -conveyance to the nearest inn. In the meantime I must sup. After all, -no one need know of this humiliating adventure. And if I _am_ -compelled to consort with these pampered menials, I think I shall know -how to preserve my dignity--even while adapting myself to their level. -And that girl will be there--a distinctly redeeming fact in the -situation. I will be easy--affable, even; I will lay aside all foolish -pride; it would be unreasonable to visit their employer's snobbery -upon their unoffending heads. I hear conversation inside this room. -This must be the door. I--I suppose I had better go in. - - [_He enters._ - - - - -PART XII - -DIGNITY UNDER DIFFICULTIES - - - _In the Housekeeper's Room at Wyvern_; Mrs. POMFRET, _the - Housekeeper, in a black silk gown and her smartest cap, is - seated in a winged armchair by the fire, discussing domestic - politics with_ Lady CULVERIN'S _maid_, Miss STICKLER. _The - Chef_, M. RIDEVOS, _is resting on the sofa, in languid - converse with_ Mlle. CHIFFON, Miss SPELWANE'S _maid_; - PILLINER'S _man_, LOUCH, _watches_ STEPTOE, Sir RUPERT'S - _valet, with admiring envy, as he makes himself agreeable to_ - Miss PHILLIPSON, _who is in demi-toilette, as are all the - other ladies' maids present_. - -_Miss Stickler_ (_in an impressive undertone_). All I _do_ say, Mrs. -Pomfret, ma'am, is this: if that girl Louisa marches into the pew -to-morrow, as she did _last_ Sunday, before the second laundry -maid--and her only under-scullery maid--such presumptiousness should -be put a stop to in future! - -_Mrs. Pomfret_ (_wheezily_). Depend upon it, my dear, it's her -ignorance; but I shall most certainly speak about it. Girls must be -taught that ranks was made to be respected, and the precedency into -that pew has come down from time immemoriable, and is not to be set -aside by such as her while _I_'m 'ousekeeper here. - -_Mlle. Chiffon_ (_in French, to_ M. RIDEVOS). You have the air -fatigued, my poor friend! Oh, there--but fatigued! - -_M. Ridevos._ Broken, Mademoiselle, absolutely broken. But what will -you? This night I surpass myself. I achieve a masterpiece--a sublime -pyramid of quails with a sauce that will become classic. I pay now the -penalty of a veritable crisis of nerves. It is of my temperament as -artist. - - [Illustration: "BROKEN, MADEMOISELLE, ABSOLUTELY BROKEN."] - -_Mlle. Chiffon._ And me, my poor friend, how I have suffered from the -cookery of these others--I who have the stomach so feeble, so -fastidious! Figure to yourself an existence upon the villainous curry, -the abominable "Iahristue," beloved by these barbarians, but which -succeed with me not at all--oh, but not at all! Since I am here--ah, -the difference! I digest as of old--I am gay. But next week to return -with mademoiselle to the curry, my poor friend, what regrets! - -_M. Ridevos._ For me, dear mademoiselle, for me the regrets--to hear -no more the conversation, so spiritual, so sympathetic, of a -fellow-countrywoman. For remark that here they are stupid--they -comprehend not. And the old ones they roll at me the eyes to make -terror. Behold this Gorgon who approaches. She adores me, my word of -honour, this ruin! - - [Miss STICKLER _comes up to the sofa smiling in happy - unconsciousness_. - -_Miss Stickler_ (_graciously_). So you've felt equal to joining us for -once, Mossoo! We feel it a very 'igh compliment, I can assure you. -We've really been feeling quite 'urt at the way you keep to -yourself--you might be a regular 'ermit for all _we_ see of you! - -_M. Ridevos._ For invent, dear Mees, for create, ze arteeste must live -ze solitaire as of rule. To-night--no! I emairge, as you see, to -res-tore myself viz your smile. - -_Miss Stickler_ (_flattered_). Well, I've always said, Mossoo, and I -always _will_ say, that for polite 'abits and pretty speeches, give -_me_ a Frenchman! - -_M. Ridevos_ (_alarmed_). For me it is too moch 'appiness. For -anozzer, ah! - - [_He kisses his fingers with ineffable grace._ - -_Phillipson_ (_advancing to meet_ Miss DOLMAN, _who has just -entered_). Why, I'd no idea I should meet _you_ here, Sarah! And how -have you been getting on, dear? Still with----? - -_Miss Dolman_ (_checking her with a look_). Her grace? No, we parted -some time ago. I'm with Lady Rhoda Cokayne at present. (_In an -undertone, as she takes her aside._) You needn't say anything here of -your having known me at Mrs. Dickenson's. I couldn't afford to have it -get about in the circle I'm in that I'd ever lived with any but the -nobility. I'm sure you see what I mean. Of course I don't mind your -saying we've _met_. - -_Phillipson._ Oh, I _quite_ understand. I'll say nothing. I'm obliged -to be careful myself, being maid to Lady Maisie Mull. - -_Miss Dolman._ My _dear_ Emma! It _is_ nice seeing you again--such -_friends_ as we used to be! - -_Phillipson._ At her Grace's? I'm afraid you're thinking of somebody -else. (_She crosses to_ Mrs. POMFRET.) Mrs. Pomfret, what's become of -the gentleman I travelled down with--the horse doctor? I do hope he -means to come in; he would amuse _you_, Mr. Steptoe. I never heard -anybody go on like him; he _did_ make me laugh so! - -_Mrs. Pomfret._ I really can't say _where_ he is, my dear. I sent up -word to let him know he was welcome here whenever he pleased; but -perhaps he's feeling a little shy about coming down. - -_Phillipson._ Oh, I don't think he suffers much from _that_. (_As the -door opens._) Ah, _there_ he is! - -_Mrs. Pomfret_ (_rising, with dignity, to receive_ UNDERSHELL, _who -enters in obvious embarrassment_). Come in, sir. I'm glad to see -you've found your way down at last. Let me see, I haven't the -advantage of knowing your--Mr. Undershell, _to_ be sure! Well, Mr. -Undershell, we're very pleased to see you. I hope you'll make yourself -quite at home. Her ladyship gave particular directions that we was to -look after you--_most_ particular she was! - -_Undershell._ You are very good, ma'am. I am obliged to Lady Culverin -for her (_with a gulp_) condescension. But I shall not trespass more -than a short time upon your hospitality. - -_Mrs. Pomfret._ Don't speak of it as trespassing, sir. It's not often -we have a gentleman of your profession as a visitor, but you are none -the less welcome. Now I'd better introduce you all round, and then you -won't feel yourself a stranger. Miss Phillipson you _have_ met, I -know. - - [_She introduces him to the others in turn_; UNDERSHELL - _bows helplessly_. - -_Steptoe_ (_with urbanity_). Your fame, sir, has preceded you. And -you'll find us a very friendly and congenial little circle on a better -acquaintance--if this is your first experience of this particular form -of society? - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I mustn't be stiff, I'll put them at -their ease. (_Aloud._) Why, I must admit, Mr. Steptoe, that I have -never before had the privilege of entering the--(_with an ingratiating -smile all round him_) the "Pugs' Parlour," as I understand you call -this very charming room. - - [_The company draw themselves up and cough in - disapprobation._ - -_Steptoe_ (_very stiffly_). Pardon _me_, sir, you have been totally -misinformed. Such an expression is not current _here_. - -_Mrs. Pomfret_ (_more stiffly still_). It is never alluded to in _my_ -presence except as the 'ousekeeper's room, which is the right and -proper name for it. There may be some other term for it in the -servants' 'all for anything _I_ know to the contrary--but, if you'll -excuse me for saying so, Mr. Undershell, we'd prefer for it not to be -repeated in _our_ presence. - -_Undershell_ (_confusedly_). I--I beg ten thousand pardons. (_To -himself._) To be pulled up like this for trying to be genial--it's -really _too_ humiliating! - -_Steptoe_ (_relaxing_). Well, well, sir; we must make some allowances -for a neophyte. You'll know better another time, _I_ dare say. Miss -Phillipson here has been giving you a very favourable character as a -highly agreeable rattle, Mr. Undershell. I hope we may be favoured -with a specimen of your social talents later on. We're always grateful -here for anything in that way--such as a recitation now, or a comic -song, or a yumorous imitation--anything, in short, calculated to -promote the general harmony and festivity will be appreciated. - -_Miss Stickler_ (_acidly_). Provided it is free from any helement of -coarseness, which we do _not_ encourage--far from it! - -_Undershell_ (_suppressing his irritation_). You need be under no -alarm, madam. I do not propose to attempt a performance of _any_ kind. - -_Phillipson._ Don't be so solemn, Mr. Undershell! I'm sure you can be -as comical as any play-actor when you choose! - -_Undershell._ I really don't know how I can have given you that -impression. If you expect me to treat my lyre like a _horse-collar_, -and grin through it, I'm afraid I am unable to gratify you. - -_Steptoe_ (_at sea_). Capital, sir, the professional allusion very -neat. You'll come out presently, _I_ can see, when supper's on the -table. Can't expect you to rattle till you've something _inside_ of -you, can we? - -_Miss Stickler._ Reelly, Mr. Steptoe, I _am_ surprised at such -commonness from _you_! - -_Steptoe._ Now you're too severe, Miss Stickler, you are indeed. An -innocent little Judy Mow like that! - -_Tredwell_ (_outside_). Don't answer _me_, sir. Ham I butler 'ere, or -ham I _not_? I've a precious good mind to report you for such a -hignorant blunder.... I don't want to hear another word about the -gentleman's cloes--you'd no hearthly business for to do such a thing -at all! (_He enters and flings himself down on a chair._) That Thomas -is beyond everything--stoopid _hass_ as he is! - -_Mrs. Pomfret_ (_concerned_). La, Mr. Tredwell, you _do_ seem put out! -Whatever have Thomas been doing _now_? - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). It's really very good of him to take it -to heart like this! (_Aloud._) Pray don't let it distress you; it's of -no consequence, none at all! - -_Tredwell_ (_glaring_). I'm the best judge of that, Mr. Undershell, -sir--if you'll allow _me_; _I_ don't call my porogatives of no -consequence, whatever _you_ may! And that feller Thomas, Mrs. -Pomfret, actially 'ad the hordacity, without consulting me previous, -to go and 'and a note to one of our gentlemen at the hupstairs table, -all about some hassinine mistake he'd made with his cloes! What call -had he to take it upon himself? I feel puffecly disgraced that such a -thing should have occurred under my authority! - - [_The_ Steward's Room Boy _has entered with a dish, and - listens with secret anxiety on his own account_. - -_Undershell._ I assure you there is no harm done. The gentleman is -wearing my evening clothes--but he's going to return them---- - - [_The conclusion of the sentence is drowned in a roar of - laughter from the majority._ - -_Tredwell_ (_gasping_). Hevenin' cloes! _Your_ hevenin'---- P'raps -you'll 'ave the goodness to explain yourself, sir! - -_Steptoe._ No, no, Tredwell, my dear fellah, you don't understand our -friend here--he's a bit of a wag, don't you see? He's only trying to -pull your leg, that's all; and, Gad, he did it too! But you mustn't -take liberties with _this_ gentleman, Mr. Undershell; he's an -important personage _here_, I can tell you! - -_Undershell_ (_earnestly_). But I never meant--if you'll only let me -explain---- - - [_The_ Boy _has come behind him, and administers a - surreptitious kick, which_ UNDERSHELL _rightly construes - as a hint to hold his tongue_. - -_Tredwell_ (_in solemn offence_). I'm accustomed, Mr. Hundershell, to -be treated in this room with respect and deference--especially by them -as come here in the capacity of guests. _From_ such I regard any -attempt to pull my leg as in hindifferent taste--to say the least of -it. I wish to 'ave no more words on the subjick, which is a painful -one, and had better be dropped, for the sake of all parties. Mrs. -Pomfret, I see supper is on the table, so, by your leave, we had -better set down to it. - -_Phillipson_ (_to_ UNDERSHELL). Never mind _him_, pompous old thing! -It _was_ awfully cheeky of you, though. You can sit next _me_ if you -like. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself, as he avails himself of this permission_). -I shall only make things worse if I explain now. But, oh, great -Heavens, _what_ a position for a poet! - - - - -PART XIII - -WHAT'S IN A NAME? - - - _At the Supper-table in the Housekeeper's Room._ Mrs. POMFRET - _and_ TREDWELL _are at the head and foot of the table - respectively_. UNDERSHELL _is between_ Mrs. POMFRET and Miss - PHILLIPSON. _The_ Steward's Room Boy _waits_. - -_Tredwell._ I don't see Mr. Adams here this evening, Mrs. Pomfret. -What's the reason of that? - -_Mrs. Pomfret._ Why, he asked to be excused to-night, Mr. Tredwell. -You see some of the visitors' coachmen are putting up their horses -here, and he's helping Mr. Checkley entertain them. (_To_ UNDERSHELL.) -Mr. Adams is our stud-groom, and him and Mr. Checkley, the 'ed -coachman, are very friendly just now. Adams is very clever with his -horses, I believe, and I'm sure he'd have liked a talk with you; it's -a pity he's engaged elsewhere this evening. - -_Undershell_ (_mystified_). I--I'm exceedingly sorry to have missed -him, ma'am. (_To himself._) Is the stud-groom _literary_, I wonder?... -Ah, no, I remember now; I allowed Miss Phillipson to conclude that my -tastes were equestrian. Perhaps it's just as well the stud-groom -_isn't_ here! - -_Mrs. Pomfret._ Well, he _may_ drop in later on. I shouldn't be -surprised if you and he had met before. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). _I_ should. (_Aloud._) I hardly think -it's probable. - -_Mrs. Pomfret._ I've known stranger things than _that_ happen. Why, -only the other day, a gentleman came into this very room, as it might -be yourself, and it struck me he was looking very hard at me, and by -and bye he says, "You don't recollect _me_, ma'am, but I know _you_ -very well," says he. So I said to him, "You certainly have the -advantage of me at present, sir." "Well, ma'am," he says, "many years -ago I had the honour and privilege of being steward's room boy in a -house where you was still-room maid; and I consider I owe the position -I have since attained entirely to the good advice you used to give me, -as I've never forgot it, ma'am," says he. Then it flashed across me -who it was--"Mr. Pocklington!" says I. Which it _were_. And him own -man to the Duke of Dumbleshire! Which was what made it so very nice -and 'andsome of him to remember me all that time. - -_Undershell_ (_perfunctorily_). It must have been most gratifying, -ma'am. (_To himself._) I hope this old lady hasn't any more anecdotes -of this highly interesting nature. I mustn't neglect Miss -Phillipson--especially as I haven't very long to stay here. - - [_He consults his watch stealthily._ - -_Miss Phillipson_ (_observing the action_). I'm sorry you find it so -slow here; it's not very polite of you to show it quite so openly -though, I must say. - - [_She pouts._ - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I can't let this poor girl think me a -brute! But I must be careful not to go too far. (_To her, in an -undertone which he tries to render unemotional._) Don't misunderstand -me like that. If I looked at my watch, it was merely to count the -minutes that are left. In one short half-hour I must go--I must pass -out of your life, and you must forget--oh, it will be easy for -_you_--but for _me_, ah! you cannot think that I shall carry away a -heart entirely unscathed! Believe me, I shall always look back -gratefully, regretfully, on---- - -_Phillipson_ (_bending her head with a gratified little giggle_). I -declare you're beginning all that _again_. I never _did_ see such a -cure as you are. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself, displeased_). I wish she could bring -herself to take me a little more seriously. I can _not_ consider it a -compliment to be called a "cure"--whatever that is. - -_Steptoe_ (_considering it time to interfere_). Come, Mr. Undershell, -all this whispering reelly is not fair on the company! You mustn't -hide your bushel under a napkin like this; don't reserve _all_ your -sparklers for Miss Phillipson there. - -_Undershell_ (_stiffly_). I--ah--was not making any remark that could -be described as a sparkler, sir. I _don't_ sparkle. - -_Phillipson_ (_demurely_). He was being rather sentimental just then, -Mr. Steptoe, as it happens. Not that he can't sparkle, when he likes. -I'm sure if you'd heard how he went on in the fly! - -_Steptoe_ (_with malice_). Not having been privileged to be present, -perhaps our friend here could recollect a few of his happiest efforts -and repeat them. - -_Miss Dolman._ Do, Mr. Undershell, please. I do _love_ a good laugh. - -_Undershell_ (_crimson_). I--you really must excuse me. I said nothing -worth repeating. I don't remember that I was particularly---- - -_Steptoe._ Pardon me. Afraid I was indiscreet. We must spare Miss -Phillipson's blushes by all manner of means. - -_Phillipson._ Oh, it was nothing of _that_ sort, Mr. Steptoe! _I_'ve -no objection to repeat what he said. He called me a little green -something or other. No; he said _that_ in the train, though. But he -would have it that the old cab-horse was a magic steed, and the fly an -enchanted chariot; and I don't know what all. (_As nobody smiles._) It -sounded awfully funny as _he_ said it, with his face perfectly solemn -like it is now, I assure you it did! - -_Steptoe_ (_patronisingly_). I can readily believe it. We shall have -you contributing to some of our yumerous periodicals, Mr. Undershell, -sir, before long. Such facetious talent is too good to be lost, it -reelly is. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself, writhing_). I gave her credit for more -sense. To make me publicly ridiculous like this! - - [_He sulks._ - -_Miss Stickler_ (_to_ M. RIDEVOS, _who suddenly rises_). Mossoo, -you're not _going_! Why, whatever's the matter? - -_M. Ridevos._ Pairmeet zat I make my depart. I am cot at ze art. - - [_General outcry and sensation._ - -_Mrs. Pomfret_ (_concerned_). You never mean that, Mossoo? And a nice -dish of quails just put on, too, that they haven't even touched -upstairs! - -_M. Ridevos._ It is for zat I do not remmain! Zey 'ave not toch him; -my pyramide, result of a genius stupend, énorme! to zem he is -nossing; zey retturn him to crash me! To-morrow I demmand zat miladi -accept my demission. _Ici je souffre trop!_ - - [_He leaves the room precipitately._ - -_Miss Stickler_ (_offering to rise_). It _does_ seem to have upset -him! Shall I go after him and see if I can't bring him round? - -_Mrs. Pomfret_ (_severely_). Stay where you are, Harriet; he's better -left to himself. If he wasn't so wropped up in his cookery, he'd know -there's always a dish as goes the round untasted, without why or -wherefore. I've no _patience_ with the man! - -_Tredwell_ (_philosophically_). That's the worst of 'aving to do with -Frenchmen; they're so apt to beyave with a sutting childishness -that--(_checking himself_)--I really ask your pardon, mamsell, I quite -forgot you was of his nationality; though it ain't to be wondered at, -I'm sure, for you might pass for an Englishwoman almost anywhere! - -_Mlle. Chiffon._ As you for Frenchman, _hein_? - -_Tredwell._ No, 'ang it _all_, mamsell, I 'ope there's no danger o' -_that_! (_To_ Miss PHILLIPSON.) Delighted to see the Countess keeps as -fit as ever, Miss Phillipson! Wonderful woman for her time o' life! -Law, she _did_ give the Bishop beans at dinner, and no mistake! - -_Phillipson._ Her ladyship is pretty generous with them to most -people, Mr. Tredwell. I'm sure I'd have left her long ago, if it -wasn't for Lady Maisie--who _is_ a lady, if you like! - -_Tredwell._ She don't favour her ma, I will say _that_ for her. By the -way, who is the party they brought down with them? a youngish looking -chap--seemed a bit out of his helement, when he first come in, though -he's soon got over that, judging by the way him and your Lady Rhoda, -Miss Dolman, was 'obnobbing together at table! - -_Phillipson._ Nobody came down with _my_ ladies; they must have met -him in the bus, I expect. What is his name? - -_Tredwell._ Why, he give it to me, I know, when I enounced him; but -it's gone clean out of my head again. He's got the Verney Chamber, I -know _that_ much; but what _was_ his name again? I shall forget my own -next. - -_Undershell_ (_involuntarily_). In the Verney Chamber? Then the name -must be Spurrell! - -_Phillipson_ (_starting_). Spurrell! Why, _I_ used to---- But of course -it can't be _him_! - -_Tredwell._ Spurrell _was_ the name, though. (_With a resentful glare -at_ UNDERSHELL.) I don't know how _you_ came to be aware of it, sir! - -_Undershell._ Why, the fact is, I happened to find out that--(_here he -receives an admonitory drive in the back from the_ Boy)--that his name -_was_ Spurrell. (_To himself._) I wish this infernal boy wouldn't be -officious--but perhaps he's right! - -_Tredwell._ Ho, indeed! Well, _another_ time, Mr. Hundershell, if you -require information about parties staying with _us_, p'raps you'll be -good enough to apply to me pussonally, instead of picking it up in -some 'ole-and-corner fashion. (UNDERSHELL _controls his indignation -with difficulty_.) To return to the individual in question, Miss -Phillipson, I should have said myself he was something in the artistic -or littery way; he suttingly didn't give me the impression of being a -gentleman. - - [Illustration: "HE SUTTINGLY DIDN'T GIVE ME THE IMPRESSION OF - BEING A GENTLEMAN."] - -_Phillipson_ (_to herself, relieved_). Then it _isn't_ my Jem! I might -have known he wouldn't be visiting here, and carrying on with Lady -Rhodas. He'd never forget himself like that--if he _has_ forgotten me! - -_Steptoe._ It strikes me he's more of a sporting character, Tredwell. -I know when I was circulating with the cigarettes and so on, in the -hall just now, he was telling the Captain some anecdote about an old -steeplechaser that was faked up to win a selling handicap, and it -tickled me to that extent I could hardly hold the spirit-lamp steady. - -_Tredwell._ I may be mistook, Steptoe. All _I_ can say is, that when -me and James was serving cawfy to the ladies in the drawing-room, some -of them had got 'old of a little pink book all sprinkled over with -silver cutlets, and, rightly _or_ wrongly, I took it to 'ave some -connection with 'im. - -_Undershell_ (_excitedly_). Pink and silver! Might I ask--was it a -volume of poetry, called--er--_Andromeda_? - -_Tredwell_ (_crushingly_). That I did not take the liberty of -inquiring, sir, as you might be aware if you was a little more -familiar with the hetiquette of good society. - - [UNDERSHELL _collapses_; Mr. ADAMS _enters, and steps - into the chair vacated by the Chef, next to_ Mrs. - POMFRET, _with whom he converses_. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). To think that they may be discussing my -book in the drawing-room at this very moment, while I--I---- (_He -chokes._) Ah, it won't bear thinking of! I must--I _will_ get out of -this accursed place! I have stood this too long as it is! But I won't -go till I have seen this fellow Spurrell, and made him give me back my -things. What's the time? ... ten! I can go at last. (_He rises._) Mrs. -Pomfret, will you kindly excuse me? I--I find I must go at once. - -_Mrs. Pomfret._ Well, Mr. Undershell, sir, you're the best judge; and, -if you really can't stop, this is Mr. Adams, who'll take you round to -the stables himself, and do anything that's necessary. Won't you, Mr. -Adams? - -_Adams._ So you're off to-night, sir, are you? Well, I'd rather ha' -shown you Deerfoot by daylight, myself; but there, I dessay that won't -make much difference to _you_, so long as you _do_ see the 'orse? - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). So Deerfoot's a _horse_! One of the -features of Wyvern, I suppose; they seem very anxious I shouldn't miss -it. _I_ don't want to see the beast; but I dare say it won't take many -minutes; and, if I don't humour this man, I shan't get a conveyance to -go away in! (_Aloud._) No difference whatever--to _me_. I shall be -delighted to be shown Deerfoot; only I really can't wait _much_ -longer; I--I've an appointment elsewhere! - -_Adams._ Right, sir; you get your 'at and coat, and come along with -me, and you shall see him at once. - - [UNDERSHELL _takes a hasty farewell of_ Miss PHILLIPSON - _and the company generally--none of whom attempts to - detain him--and follows his guide. As the door closes - upon them, he hears a burst of stifled merriment, amidst - which_ Miss PHILLIPSON'S _laughter is only too painfully - recognisable_. - - - - -PART XIV - -LE VÉTÉRINAIRE MALGRÉ LUI - - - _Outside the Stables at Wyvern._ TIME--_About_ 10 P.M. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself, as he follows_ ADAMS). Now is my time to -arrange about getting away from here. (_To_ ADAMS.) By the bye, I -suppose you can let me have a conveyance of some sort--after I've seen -the horse? I--I'm rather in a hurry. - -_Adams._ You'd better speak to Mr. Checkley about that, sir; it ain't -in _my_ department, you see. I'll fetch him round, if you'll wait here -a minute; he'd like to hear what you think about the 'orse. - - [_He goes off to the coachman's quarters._ - -_Undershell_ (_alone_). A very civil fellow this; he seems quite -anxious to show me this animal! There must be _something_ very -remarkable about it. - - [ADAMS _returns with_ CHECKLEY. - -_Adams._ Mr. Checkley, our 'ed coachman, Mr. Undershell. He's coming -in along with us to 'ear what you say, if you've no objections. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I must make a friend of this coachman, or -else---- (_Aloud._) I shall be charmed, Mr. Checkley. I've only a very -few minutes to spare; but I'm most curious to see this horse of yours. - -_Checkley._ He ain't one o' _my_ 'orses, sir. If he _'ad_ been---- But -there, I'd better say nothing about it. - -_Adams_ (_as he leads the way into the stables, and turns up the -gas_). There, sir, that's Deerfoot over there in the loose box. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). He seems to me much like any _other_ -horse! However, I can't be wrong in admiring. (_Aloud, as he inspects -him, through the rails._) Ah, indeed? he _is_ worth seeing! A -magnificent creature! - -_Adams_ (_stripping off_ Deerfoot's _clothing_). He's a good 'orse, -sir. Her ladyship won't trust herself on no other animal, not since -she 'ad the influenzy so bad. She'd take on dreadful if I 'ad to tell -her he wouldn't be fit for no more work, she would! - -_Undershell_ (_sympathetically_). I can quite imagine so. Not that he -seems in any danger of _that_! - -_Checkley_ (_triumphantly_). There, you 'ear that, Adams? The minute -he set eyes on the 'orse! - -_Adams._ Wait till Mr. Undershell has seen him move a bit, and see -what he says _then_. - -_Checkley._ If it was what _you_ think, he'd never be standing like he -is now, depend upon it. - -_Adams._ You _can't_ depend upon it. He 'eard us coming, and he's -quite artful enough to draw his foot back for fear o' getting a knock. -(_To_ UNDERSHELL.) I've noticed him very fidgety-like on his forelegs -this last day or two. - -_Undershell._ _Have_ you, though? (_To himself._) I hope he won't be -fidgety with his _hind_-legs. I shall stay outside. - -_Adams._ I cooled him down with a rubub and aloes ball, and kep 'im on -low diet; but he don't seem no better. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I didn't gather the horse was unwell. -(_Aloud._) Dear me! no better? You don't say so! - -_Checkley._ If you'd rubbed a little embrocation into the shoulder, -you'd ha' done more good, in _my_ opinion, and it's my belief as Mr. -Undershell here will tell you I'm right. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). Can't afford to offend the coachman! -(_Aloud._) Well, I dare say--er--embrocation _would_ have been better. - -_Adams._ Ah, that's where me and Mr. Checkley differ. According to -me, it ain't to do with the shoulder at all--it's a deal lower -down.... I'll 'ave him out of the box and you'll soon see what I mean. - -_Undershell_ (_hastily_). Pray don't trouble on my account. I--I can -see him capitally from where I am, thanks. - -_Adams._ You know best, sir. Only I thought you'd be better able to -form a judgment after you'd seen the way he stepped across. But if you -was to come in and examine the frog?-- I don't like the look of it -myself. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I'm sure _I_ don't. I've a horror of -reptiles. (_Aloud._) You're very good. I--I think I won't come in. The -place must be rather _damp_, mustn't it--for that? - -_Adams._ It's dry enough in 'ere, sir, as you may see; nor yet he -ain't been standing about in no wet. Still, there it _is_, you see! - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). What a fool he must be not to drive it -out! Of course it must annoy the horse. (_Aloud._) I don't see it; but -I'm quite willing to take your word for it. - -_Adams._ I don't know how you can _expect_ to see it, sir, without you -look inside of the 'oof for it. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). It's not alive--it's something _inside_ -the hoof. I suppose I ought to have known that. (_Aloud._) Just so; -but I see no necessity for looking inside the hoof. - -_Checkley._ In course he don't, or he'd ha' looked the very fust -thing, with all his experience. I 'ope you're satisfied _now_, Adams? - -_Adams._ I can't say as I am. I say as no man can examine a 'orse -thoroughly at that distance, be he who he may. And whether I'm right -or wrong, it 'ud be more of a satisfaction to me if Mr. Undershell was -to step in and see the 'oof for himself. - -_Checkley._ Well, there's sense in that, and I dessay Mr. Undershell -won't object to obliging you that far. - -_Undershell_ (_with reluctance_). Oh, with pleasure, if you make a -point of it. - - [_He enters the loose box delicately._ - -_Adams_ (_picking up one of the horse's feet_). Now, tell me how this -'ere 'oof strikes you. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). That hoof _can't_; but I'm not so sure -about the others. (_Aloud, as he inspects it._) Well--er--it seems to -me a very _nice_ hoof. - -_Adams_ (_grimly_). I was not arsking your opinion of it as a work of -_art_, sir. Do you see any narrering coming on, or do you not? That's -what I should like to get out of _you_! - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). Does this man suppose I _collect_ hoofs! -However, I'm not going to commit myself. (_Aloud._) H'm--well, I--I -rather agree with Mr. Checkley. - -_Checkley._ I knew he would! Now you've _got_ it, Adams! _I_ can see -Mr. Undershell knows what he's about. - -_Adams_ (_persistently_). But look at this 'ere pastern. You can't -deny there's puffiness there. How do you get over _that_? - -_Undershell._ If the horse is puffy, it's _his_ business to get over -it--not mine. - -_Adams_ (_aggrieved_). You may think proper to treat it light, sir; -but if you put your 'and down 'ere, above the coronet, you'll feel a -throbbing as plain as---- - -_Undershell._ Very likely. But I don't know, really, that it would -afford me any particular gratification if I _did_! - -_Adams._ Well, if you don't take _my_ view, I should ha' thought as -you'd want to feel the 'orse's pulse. - -_Undershell._ You are quite mistaken. I don't. (_To himself._) -Particularly as I shouldn't know where to find it. What a bore this -fellow is with his horse! - -_Checkley._ In course, sir, _you_ see what's running in Mr. Adams's -'ed all this time, what he's a-driving at, eh? - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I only wish I did! This will require -tact. (_Aloud._) I--I could hardly avoid seeing _that_--could I? - -_Checkley._ _I_ should think not. And it stands to reason as a vet -like yourself'd spot a thing like navickler fust go off. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). A vet! They've been taking me for a vet -all this time! I can't have been so ignorant as I thought. I really -don't like to undeceive them--they might feel annoyed. (_Aloud, -knowingly._) To be sure, I--I spotted it at once. - -_Adams._ He _does_ make it out navicular after all! What did I tell -you, Checkley? Now p'raps you'll believe _me_! - -_Checkley._ I'll be shot if that 'orse has navickler, whoever says -so--there! - -_Adams_ (_gloomily_). It's the 'orse 'll 'ave to be shot; worse luck! -I'd ha' give something if Mr. Undershell could ha' shown I was wrong; -but there was very little doubt in _my_ mind what it was all along. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself, horrified_). I've been pronouncing this -unhappy animal's doom without knowing it! I must tone it down. -(_Aloud._) No--no, I never said he must be shot. There's no reason to -despair. It--it's quite a mild form of er--clavicular--not at all -infectious at present. And the horse has a splendid constitution. -I--I really think he'll soon be himself again, if we only--er--leave -Nature to do her work, you know. - -_Adams_ (_after a prolonged whistle_). Well, if Nature ain't better up -in her work than you seem to be, it's 'igh time she chucked it, and -took to something else. You've a lot to learn about navicular, _you_ -'ave, if you can talk such rot as that! - - [Illustration: "YOU'VE A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT NAVICULAR, YOU - 'AVE, IF YOU CAN TALK SUCH ROT AS THAT!"] - -_Checkley._ Ah, I've 'ad to do with a vet or two in my time, but I'm -blest if I ever come across the likes o' _you_ afore! - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I _knew_ they'd find me out! I must -pacify them. (_Aloud._) But, look here, I'm _not_ a vet. I never said -I _was_. It was your mistake entirely. The fact is, my--my good men, I -came down here because--well, it's unnecessary to explain now _why_ I -came. But I'm most anxious to get away, and if you, my dear Mr. -Checkley, could let me have a trap to take me to Shuntingbridge -to-night, I should feel extremely obliged. - - [CHECKLEY _stares, deprived of speech_. - -_Adams_ (_with a private wink to_ CHECKLEY). Certainly he will, sir. -I'm sure Checkley 'll feel proud to turn out, late as it is, to oblige -a gentleman with your remarkable knowledge of 'orseflesh. Drive you -over hisself in the broom and pair, _I_ shouldn't wonder! - -_Undershell._ _One_ horse will be quite sufficient. Very well, then. -I'll just run up and get my portmanteau, and--and one or two things of -mine, and if you will be round at the back entrance--don't trouble to -drive up to the _front_ door--as soon as possible, I won't keep you -waiting longer than I can help. Good evening, Mr. Adams, and many -thanks. (_To himself, as he hurries back to the house._) I've got out -of that rather well. Now, I've only to find my way to the Verney -Chamber, see this fellow Spurrell, and get my clothes back, and then I -can retreat with comfort, and even dignity! These Culverins shall -learn that there is at least _one_ poet who will not put up with their -insolent patronage! - -_Checkley_ (_to_ ADAMS). He _has_ got a cool cheek, and no mistake! -But if he waits to be druv over to Shuntingbridge till _I_ come round -for him, he'll 'ave to set on that portmanteau of his a goodish time! - -_Adams._ He did you pretty brown, I must say. To 'ear you crowing over -me when he was on your side. I could 'ardly keep from larfing! - -_Checkley._ I see he warn't no vet long afore you, but I let it go on -for the joke of it. It was rich to see you a-wanting him to feel the -'oof, and give it out navickler. Well, you got his opinion for what it -was wuth, so _you're_ all right! - -_Adams._ You think nobody knows anything about 'orses but yourself, -you do; but if you're meanin' to make a story out o' this against me, -why, I shall tell it _my_ way, that's all! - -_Checkley._ It was you he made a fool of, not me--and I can prove -it--there! - - [_They dispute the point, with rising warmth, for some - time._ - -_Adams_ (_calming down_). Well, see 'ere, Checkley, I dunno, come to -think of it, as either on us 'll show up partickler smart over this -'ere job; and it strikes me we'd better both agree to keep quiet about -it, eh? (CHECKLEY _acquiesces, not unwillingly_.) And I think I'll -take a look in at the 'ousekeeper's-room presently, and try if I can't -drop a hint to old Tredwell about that smooth-tongued chap, for it's -my belief he ain't down 'ere for no good! - - - - -PART XV - -TRAPPED! - - - _In a Gallery outside the Verney Chamber._ TIME--_About_ 10.15 - P.M. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself, as he emerges from a back staircase_). I -suppose this _is_ the corridor? The boy said the name of the room was -painted up over the door.... Ah, there it is; and, yes, Mr. Spurrell's -name on a card.... The door is ajar; he is probably waiting for me -inside. I shall meet him quite temperately, treat it simply as a---- -(_He enters; a waste-paper basket, containing an ingenious arrangement -of liquid and solid substances, descends on his head._) What the devil -do you mean, sir, by this outrageous----? All dark! Nobody here! Is -there a general conspiracy to insult me? Have I been lured up here for -a brutal---- (SPURRELL _bursts in_.) Ah, _there_ you are, sir! (_With -cold dignity, through the lattice-work of the basket._) Will you -kindly explain what this means? - -_Spurrell._ Wait till I strike a light. (_After lighting a pair of -candles._) Well, sir, if _you_ don't know why you're ramping about -like that under a waste-paper basket, I can hardly be expected to---- - -_Undershell._ I was determined not to remove it until somebody came -in; it fell on my head the moment I entered; it contained something in -a soap-dish, which has wetted my face. You may laugh, sir, but if this -is a sample of your aristocratic---- - -_Spurrell._ If you could only see yourself! But _I_'d nothing to do -with it, 'pon my word I hadn't; only just this minute got away from -the hall.... _I_ know! It's that sulky young beggar, Bearpark. I -remember he slipped off on some excuse or other just now. He must have -come in here and fixed that affair up for me--confound him! - -_Undershell._ I think _I_'m the person most entitled to---- But no -matter; it is merely one insult more among so many. I came here, sir, -for a purpose, as you are aware. - -_Spurrell_ (_ruefully_). Your dress clothes? All right, you shall have -them directly. I wouldn't have put 'em on if I'd known they'd be -wanted so soon. - -_Undershell._ I should have thought your own would have been more -comfortable. - -_Spurrell._ More comfortable! I believe you. Why, I assure you I feel -like a Bath bun in a baby's sock! But how was I to know? You shouldn't -leave your things about like that! - -_Undershell._ It is usual, sir, for people to come to a place like -this provided with evening clothes of their own. - -_Spurrell._ I know that as well as you do. Don't you suppose I'm -unacquainted with the usages of society! Why, I've stayed in -boarding-houses at the seaside many a time where it was _de rigger_ to -dress--even for high tea! But coming down, as I did, on business, it -never entered my head that I should want my dress suit. So, when I -found them all as chummy and friendly as possible, and expecting me to -dine as a matter of course,--why, I can tell you I was too jolly glad -to get hold of anything in the shape of a swallowtail and white choker -to be over particular! - -_Undershell._ You seem to have been more fortunate in your reception -than I. But then _I_ had not the advantage of being here in a business -capacity. - -_Spurrell._ Well, it wasn't that altogether. You see, I'm a kind of a -celebrity in my way. - -_Undershell._ I should hardly have thought _that_ would be a -recommendation here. - -_Spurrell._ I was surprised myself to find what a lot they thought of -it; but, bless you, they're all as civil as shopwalkers; and, as for -the ladies, why, the old Countess and Lady Maisie and Lady Rhoda -couldn't be more complimentary if I'd won the Victoria Cross, instead -of getting a first prize for breeding and exhibiting a bull-bitch at -Cruft's Dog show! - -_Undershell_ (_bitterly, to himself_). And this is our aristocracy! -They make a bosom friend of a breeder of dogs; and find a poet only -fit to associate with their servants! What a theme for a satirist! -(_Aloud._) I see nothing to wonder at. You possess precisely the -social qualifications most likely to appeal to the leisured class. - -_Spurrell._ Oh, there's a lot of humbug in it, mind you! Most of 'em -know about as much of the points of a bull as the points of a compass, -only they let on to know a lot because they think it's smart. And some -of 'em are after a pup from old Drummy's next litter. _I_ see through -all that, you know! - -_Undershell._ You are a cynic, I observe, sir. But possibly the nature -of the business which brings you here renders them---- - -_Spurrell._ That's the rummest thing about it. I haven't heard a word -about that yet. I'm in the veterinary profession, you know. Well, they -sent for me to see some blooming horse, and never even ask me to go -near it! Seems odd, don't it? - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). _I_ had to go near the blooming horse! -Now I begin to understand; the very servants did not expect to find a -professional vet in any company but their own! (_Aloud._) I--I trust -that the horse will not suffer through any delay. - -_Spurrell._ So do I; but how do I know that some ignorant duffer -mayn't be treating him for the wrong thing? It may be all up with the -animal before I get a chance of seeing what I can do? - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). If he knew how near I went to getting the -poor beast shot! But I needn't mention that now. - -_Spurrell._ I don't say it isn't gratifying to be treated like a -swell, but I've got my professional reputation to consider, you know; -and if they're going to take up all my time talking about -Andromeda---- - -_Undershell_ (_with a start_). Andromeda! They have been talking about -Andromeda? To you! Then it's _you_ who---- - -_Spurrell._ Haven't I been telling you? I should just jolly well -think they _have_ been talking about her! So you didn't know my bull's -name was Andromeda before, eh? But _you_ seem to have heard of her, -too! - -_Undershell_ (_slowly_). I--I _have_ heard of Andromeda--yes. - - [_He drops into a chair, dazed._ - -_Spurrell_ (_complacently_). It's curious how that bitch's fame seems -to have spread. Why, even the old Bishop---- But, I say, you're -looking rather queer; anything the matter with you, old fellow? - -_Undershell_ (_faintly_). Nothing--nothing. I--I feel a little giddy, -that's all. I shall be better presently. - - [_He conceals his face._ - -_Spurrell_ (_in concern_). It was having that basket down on your head -like that. Too bad! Here, I'll get you some water. (_He bustles -about._) I don't know if you're aware of it, old chap, but you're in a -regular _dooce_ of a mess! - -_Undershell_ (_motioning him away irritably_). Do you suppose I don't -know _that_? For Heaven's sake, don't speak to me! let me alone!... I -want to think--I want to think. (_To himself._) I see it all now! I've -made a hideous mistake! I thought these Culverins were deliberately---- -And all the time---- Oh, what an unspeakable idiot I've been!... And I -can't even explain!... The only thing to do is to escape before this -fellow suspects the truth. It's lucky I ordered that carriage! -(_Aloud, rising._) I'm all right now; and--and I can't stay here any -longer. I am leaving directly--directly! - -_Spurrell._ You must give me time to get out of this toggery, old -chap; you'll have to pick me out of it like a lobster! - -_Undershell_ (_wildly_). The clothes? Never mind them now. I can't -wait. Keep them! - -_Spurrell._ Do you really mean it, old fellow? If you _could_ spare -'em a bit longer, I'd be no end obliged. Because, you see, I promised -Lady Rhoda to come and finish a talk we were having, and they've taken -away my own things to brush, so I haven't a rag to go down in except -these; and they'd all think it so beastly rude if I went to bed now! - -_Undershell_ (_impatiently_). I tell you you may keep them, if you'll -only go away! - -_Spurrell._ But where am I to send the things to when I've done with -'em? - -_Undershell._ What do I---- Stay, here's my card. Send them to that -address. Now go and finish your evening! - -_Spurrell_ (_gratefully_). You _are_ a rattling good chap, and no -mistake! Though I'm hanged if I can quite make out what you're doing -here, you know! - -_Undershell._ It's not at all necessary that you _should_ make it out. -I am leaving immediately, and--and I don't wish Sir Rupert or Lady -Culverin to hear of this--you understand? - -_Spurrell._ Well, it's no business of mine; you've behaved devilish -well to me, and I'm not surprised that you'd rather not be seen in the -state you're in. I shouldn't like it myself! - -_Undershell._ State? _What_ state? - -_Spurrell._ Ah, I _wondered_ whether you knew. You'll see what I mean -when you've had a look at yourself in the glass. I dare say it'll come -off right enough. I can't stop. Ta, ta, old fellow, and thanks -awfully! - - [_He goes out._ - -_Undershell_ (_alone_). What does he mean? But I've no time to waste. -Where have they put my portmanteau? I can't give up _everything_. (_He -hunts round the room, and eventually discovers a door leading into a -small dressing-room._) Ah, it's in there. I'll get it out, and put my -things in. (_As he rushes back, he suddenly comes face to face with -his own reflection in a cheval glass._) Wh--who's that? Can this--this -piebald horror possibly be--_me_? How----? Ah, it was _ink_ in that -infernal basket--not water! And my hair's full of flour! I _can't_ go -into a hotel like this, they'd think I was an escaped lunatic! (_He -flies to a wash-hand stand, and scrubs and sluices desperately, after -which he inspects the result in the mirror._) It's not _nearly_ off -yet! Will _anything_ get rid of this streakiness? (_He soaps and -scrubs once more._) And the flour's caked in my hair now! I must brush -it all out before I am fit to be seen. (_He gradually, after infinite -toil, succeeds in making himself slightly more presentable._) Is the -carriage waiting for me all this time? (_He pitches things into his -portmanteau in a frantic flurry._) What's that? Some one's coming! - - [_He listens._ - - [Illustration: HE SUDDENLY COMES FACE TO FACE WITH HIS OWN - REFLECTION.] - -_Tredwell_ (_outside_). It's my conviction you've been telling me a -pack o' lies, you young rascal. For what hearthly business that feller -Undershell could 'ave in the Verney---- However, _I_'ll soon see how -it is. (_He knocks._) Is any one in 'ere? - -_Undershell_ (_to himself, distractedly_). He mustn't find me here! -Yet, where---- Ah, it's the only place! - - [_He blows out the candles, and darts into the dressing-room - as_ TREDWELL _enters_. - -_Tredwell._ The boy's right. He _is_ in here; them candles is -smouldering still. (_He relights one, and looks under the bed._) You'd -better come out o' that, Undershell, and give an account of -yourself--do you 'ear me?... He ain't under there! (_He tries the -dressing-room door_; UNDERSHELL _holds his breath, and clings -desperately to the handle_.) Very well, sir, I know you're _there_, -and I've no time to trouble with you at present, so you may as well -stay where you are till you're wanted. I've 'eard o' your goings-on -from Mr. Adams, and I shall 'ave to fetch Sir Rupert up to 'ave a talk -with you by and bye. - - [_He turns the key upon him, and goes._ - -_Undershell_ (_to himself, overwhelmed, as the butler's step is heard -retreating._) And I came down here to assert the dignity of -Literature! - - - - -PART XVI - -AN INTELLECTUAL PRIVILEGE - - - _In the Chinese Drawing-room._ TIME--_About_ 9.45 P.M. - -_Mrs. Earwaker._ Yes, dear Lady Lullington, I've always insisted on -each of my girls adopting a distinct line of her own, and the result -has been _most_ satisfactory. Louisa, my eldest, is literary; she had -a little story accepted not long ago by _The Milky Way_; then Maria is -musical--practices regularly three hours every day on her violin. -Fanny has become quite an expert in photography--kodaked her father -the other day in the act of trying a difficult stroke at billiards; a -back view--but _so_ clever and characteristic! - -_Lady Lullington_ (_absently_). A back view? How _nice_! - -_Mrs. Earwaker._ He was the only one of the family who didn't -recognize it at once. Then my youngest Caroline--well, I must say -that for a long time I was quite in despair about Caroline. It really -looked as if there was no single thing that she had the slightest bent -or inclination for. So at last I thought she had better take up -religion, and make _that_ her speciality. - -_Lady Lullington_ (_languidly_). Religion! How _very_ nice! - -_Mrs. Earwaker._ Well, I got her a _Christian Year_ and a covered -basket, and quantities of tracts, and so on; but, somehow, she didn't -seem to get _on_ with it. So I let her give it up; and now she's gone -in for poker-etching instead. - -_Lady Lullington_ (_by an act of unconscious cerebration_). -Poker-etching! How very, _very_ nice! - - [_Her eyelids close gently._ - -_Lady Rhoda._ Oh, but indeed, Lady Culverin, I thought he was -perfectly charmin': not a bit booky, you know, but as clever as he can -stick; knows more about terriers than any man I ever met! - -_Lady Culverin._ So glad you found him agreeable, my dear. I was half -afraid he might strike you as--well, just a little bit _common_ in his -way of talking. - -_Lady Rhoda._ P'raps--but, after all, one can't expect those sort of -people to talk quite like we do ourselves, _can_ one? - -_Lady Cantire._ Is that Mr. Spurrell you are finding fault with, -Albinia? It is curious that _you_ should be the one person here -who---- I consider him a very worthy and talented young man, and I -shall most certainly ask him to dinner--or _lunch_, at all events--as -soon as we return. I dare say Lady Rhoda will not object to come and -meet him. - -_Lady Rhoda._ Rather not. _I_'ll come, like a shot! - -_Lady Culverin_ (_to herself_). I suppose it's very silly of me to be -so prejudiced. Nobody else seems to mind him! - -_Miss Spelwane_ (_crossing over to them_). Oh, Lady Culverin, Lady -Lullington has such a _delightful_ idea--she's just been saying how -very, very nice it would be if Mr. Spurrell could be persuaded to read -some of his poetry aloud to us presently. _Do_ you think it could be -managed? - -_Lady Culverin_ (_in distress_). Really, my dear Vivien, I--I don't -know _what_ to say. I fancy people would so _much_ rather talk--don't -you think so, Rohesia? - -_Lady Cantire._ Probably they would, Albinia. It is most unlikely that -they would care to hear anything more intellectual and instructive -than the sound of their own voices. - -_Miss Spelwane._ I _told_ Lady Lullington that I was afraid you would -think it a bore, Lady Cantire. - -_Lady Cantire._ You are perfectly mistaken, Miss Spelwane. I flatter -myself I am quite as capable of appreciating a literary privilege as -anybody here. But I cannot answer for its being so acceptable to the -majority. - -_Lady Culverin._ No, it wouldn't do at all. And it would be making -this young man so _much_ too conspicuous. - -_Lady Cantire._ You are talking nonsense, my dear. When you are -fortunate enough to secure a celebrity at Wyvern, you can't make him -_too_ conspicuous. I never knew that Laura Lullington had any taste -for literature before, but there's something to be said for her -suggestion--if it can be carried out; it would at least provide a -welcome relief from the usual after-dinner dullness of this sort of -gathering. - -_Miss Spelwane._ Then--would _you_ ask him, Lady Cantire? - -_Lady Cantire._ I, my dear? You forget that _I_ am not hostess here. -My sister-in-law is the proper person to do that. - -_Lady Culverin._ Indeed I couldn't. But perhaps, Vivien, if you liked -to suggest it to him, he might---- - -_Miss Spelwane._ I'll try, dear Lady Culverin. And if my poor little -persuasions have no effect, I shall fall back on Lady Cantire, and -then he _can't_ refuse. I must go and tell dear Lady Lullington--she'll -be so pleased! (_To herself, as she skims away._) I generally _do_ get -my own way. But I mean him to do it to please _Me_! - -_Lady Cantire_ (_to herself_). I must say that girl is very much -improved in manner since I last saw anything of her. - -_Mrs. Chatteris_ (_a little later, to_ Lady MAISIE). Have you heard -what a treat is in store for us? That delightful Mr. Spurrell is going -to give us a reading or a recitation, or something, from his own -poems; at least Miss Spelwane is to ask him as soon as the men come -in. Only _I_ should have thought that he would be much more likely to -consent if _you_ asked him. - -_Lady Maisie._ Would you? I'm sure I don't know why. - -_Mrs. Chatteris_ (_archly_). Oh, he took me in to dinner, you know, -and it's quite wonderful how people confide in me, but I suppose they -feel I can be trusted. He mentioned a little fact, which gave me the -impression that a certain fair lady's wishes would be supreme with -him. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). The wretch! He _has_ been boasting of my -unfortunate letter! (_Aloud._) Mr. Spurrell had no business to give -you any impression of the kind. And the mere fact that I--that I -happened to admire his verses---- - -_Mrs. Chatteris._ Exactly! Poets' heads are so easily turned; and, as -I said to Captain Thicknesse---- - -_Lady Maisie._ Captain Thicknesse! You have been talking about it--to -_him_! - -_Mrs. Chatteris._ I'd no idea you would mind anybody knowing, or I -would never have dreamed of---- I've such a perfect _horror_ of gossip! -It took me so much by surprise, that I simply couldn't resist. But I -can easily tell Captain Thicknesse it was all a mistake; _he_ knows -how fearfully inaccurate I always am. - -_Lady Maisie._ I would rather you said nothing more about it, please; -it is really not worth while contradicting anything so utterly absurd. -(_To herself._) That Gerald--Captain Thicknesse--of all people, should -know of my letter! And goodness only knows what story she may have -made out of it! - -_Mrs. Chatteris_ (_to herself, as she moves away_). I've been letting -my tongue run away with me, as usual. She's _not_ the original of -"Lady Grisoline," after all. Perhaps he meant Vivien Spelwane--the -description was much more like _her_! - -_Pilliner_ (_who has just entered with some of the younger men, to_ -Miss SPELWANE). What _are_ you doing with these chairs? Why are we all -to sit in a circle, like Moore and Burgess people? You're _not_ going -to set the poor dear Bishop down to play baby-games? How perfectly -barbarous of you! - -_Miss Spelwane._ The chairs are being arranged for something much more -intellectual. We are going to get Mr. Spurrell to read a poem to us, -if you want to know. I _told_ you I should manage it. - -_Pilliner._ There's only one drawback to that highly desirable -arrangement. The songster has unostentatiously retired to roost. So -I'm afraid you'll have to do without your poetry this evening--that -is, unless you care to avail yourself again of _my_ services? - -_Miss Spelwane_ (_indignantly_). It is too _mean_ of you. You must -have told him! - - [_He protests his innocence._ - -_Lady Rhoda._ Archie, what's become of Mr. Spurrell? I particularly -want to ask him something. - -_Bearpark._ The poet? He nipped upstairs--as I told you all along he -meant to--to scribble some of his democratic drivel, and (_with a -suppressed grin_) I don't _think_ you'll see him again this evening. - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself, as he enters_). She's keepin' a -chair next hers in the corner there for somebody. Can it be for that -poet chap?... (_He meets_ Lady MAISIE'S _eye suddenly_.) Great Scott! -If she means it for _me_!... I've half a mind not to---- No, I shall -be a fool if I lose such a chance! (_He crosses, and drops into the -vacant chair next hers._) I _may_ sit here, mayn't I? - -_Lady Maisie_ (_simply_). I meant you to. We used to be such good -friends; it's a pity to have misunderstandings. And--and I want to ask -you what that silly little Mrs. Chatteris has been telling you at -dinner about me. - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Well, she was sayin'--and I must say I don't -understand it, after your tellin' me you knew nothing about this Mr. -Spurrell till this afternoon---- - -_Lady Maisie._ But I don't. And I--I _did_ offer to explain, but you -said you weren't curious! - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Didn't want you to tell me anything that perhaps -you'd rather not, don't you know. Still, I _should_ like to know how -this poet chap came to write a poem all about you, and call it "Lady -Grisoline," if he never---- - -_Lady Maisie._ But it's too ridiculous! How _could_ he? When he never -saw me, so far as I know, in all his life before! - -_Captain Thicknesse._ He told Mrs. Chatteris you were the original of -his "Lady Grisoline" anyway, and really---- - -_Lady Maisie._ He dared to tell her that? How disgracefully -impertinent of him. (_To herself._) So long as he hasn't talked about -my letter, he may say what he pleases! - -_Captain Thicknesse._ But what _was_ it you were goin' to explain to -me? You said there was somethin'---- - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). It's no use; I'd sooner die than tell -him about that letter now! (_Aloud._) I--I only wished you to -understand that, whatever I think about poetry--I detest poets! - -_Lady Cantire._ Yes, as you say, Bishop, a truly Augustan mode of -recreation. Still, Mr. Spurrell doesn't seem to have come in yet, so I -shall have time to hear anything you have to say in defence of your -opposition to Parish Councils. - - [_The_ Bishop _resigns himself to the inevitable_. - -_Archie_ (_in_ PILLINER'S _ear_). Ink and flour--couldn't possibly -miss him; the bard's got a matted head _this_ time, and no mistake. - - [Illustration: "INK AND FLOUR--COULDN'T POSSIBLY MISS HIM."] - -_Pilliner._ Beastly bad form, _I_ call it--with a fellow you don't -know. You'll get yourself into trouble some day. And you couldn't even -bring your own ridiculous booby-trap off, for here the beggar comes, -as if nothing had happened. - -_Archie_ (_disconcerted_). Confound him! The best booby trap I _ever_ -made! - -_The Bishop._ My dear Lady Cantire, here _is_ our youthful poet, at -the eleventh hour. (_To himself._) "_Sic me servavit_ Apollo!" - - [Miss SPELWANE _advances to meet_ SPURRELL, _who stands - surveying the array of chairs in blank bewilderment_. - - - - -PART XVII - -A BOMB SHELL - - - _In a Gallery near the Verney Chamber._ TIME--_Same as that of - the preceding Part._ - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). I must say it's rather rough luck on that -poor devil. I get his dress suit, and all _he_ comes in for is my -booby-trap! (PHILLIPSON, _wearing a holland blouse over her evening -toilette, approaches from the other end of the passage; he does not -recognise her until the moment of collision_.) Emma!! It's never -_you_! How do you come to be _here_? - -_Phillipson_ (_to herself_). Then it _was_ my Jem after all! (_Aloud, -distantly._) I'm here in attendance on Lady Maisie Mull, being her -maid. If I was at all curious--which I'm not--I might ask you what -_you_'re doing in such a house as this; and in evening dress, if you -please! - -_Spurrell._ I'm in evening dress, Emma, such as it is (not that I've -any right to find fault with it); but I'm in evening dress (_with -dignity_) because I've been included in the dinner party here. - -_Phillipson._ You must have been getting on since _I_ knew you. Then -you were studying to be a horse-doctor. - -_Spurrell._ I _have_ got on. I am now a qualified M.R.C.V.S. - -_Phillipson._ And does that qualify you to dine with bishops and -countesses and baronets and the gentry, like one of themselves? - -_Spurrell._ I don't say it does, in itself. It was my Andromeda that -did the trick, Emma. - -_Phillipson._ Andromeda? They were talking of that downstairs. What -made you take to scribbling, James? - -_Spurrell._ Scribbling? how do you mean? My handwriting's easy enough -to read, as you ought to know very well. - -_Phillipson._ You can't expect me to remember what your writing's -like; it's so long since I've seen it! - -_Spurrell._ Come, I like that! When I wrote twice to say I was sorry -we'd fallen out; and never got a word back! - -_Phillipson._ If you'd written to the addresses I gave you abroad---- - -_Spurrell._ Then you _did_ write; but none of the letters reached me. -I never even knew you'd _gone_ abroad. I wrote to the old place. And -so did you, I suppose, not knowing I'd moved my lodgings too, so -naturally---- But what does it all matter, so long as we've met and -it's all right between us? Oh, my dear girl, if you only knew how I -worried myself, thinking you were---- Well, all that's over now, isn't -it? - - [_He attempts to embrace her._ - -_Phillipson_ (_repulsing him_). Not quite so fast, James. Before I say -whether we're to be as we were or not, I want to know a little more -about you. You wouldn't be here like this if you hadn't done -_something_ to distinguish yourself. - -_Spurrell._ Well, I don't say I mayn't have got a certain amount of -what they call "kudosh," owing to Andromeda. But what difference does -that make? - -_Phillipson._ Tell me, James, is it _you_ that's been writing a pink -book all over silver cutlets? - -_Spurrell._ Me? Write a book--about cutlets--or anything else! Emma, -you don't suppose I've quite come down to that! Andromeda's the name -of my bull-dog. I took first prize with her; there were portraits of -both of us in one of the papers. And the people here were very much -taken with the dog, and--and so they asked me to dine with them. -That's how it was. - -_Phillipson._ I should have thought, if they asked one of you to dine, -it ought to have been the bull-dog. - -_Spurrell._ Now what's the good of saying extravagant things of that -sort? Not that old Drummy couldn't be trusted to behave anywhere! - -_Phillipson._ Better than her master, I dare say. _I_ heard of your -goings on with some Lady Rhoda or other! - -_Spurrell._ Oh, the girl I sat next to at dinner? Nice chatty sort of -girl; seems fond of quadrupeds---- - -_Phillipson._ Especially two-legged ones! You see, I've been told all -about it! - -_Spurrell._ I assure you, I didn't go a step beyond the most ordinary -civility. You're not going to be jealous because I promised I'd give -her a liniment for one of her dogs, are you? - -_Phillipson._ Liniment! You always _were_ a flirt, James! But I'm not -jealous. I've met a very nice-spoken young man while I've been here; -he sat next to me at supper, and paid me the most beautiful -compliments, and was most polite and attentive--though he hasn't got -as far as liniment, at present. - -_Spurrell._ But, Emma, you're not going to take up with some other -fellow just when we've come together again? - -_Phillipson._ If you call it "coming together," when I'm down in the -housekeeper's room, and you're up above, carrying on with ladies of -title! - -_Spurrell._ Do you want to drive me frantic? As if I could help being -where I am! How could I know _you_ were here? - -_Phillipson._ At all events, you know _now_, James. And it's for you -to choose between your smart lady friends and me. If you're fit -company for them, you're too grand for one of their maids. - -_Spurrell._ My dear girl, don't be unreasonable! I'm expected back in -the drawing-room, and I _can't_ throw 'em over now all of a sudden -without giving offence. There's the interests of the firm to consider, -and it's not for me to take a lower place than I'm given. But it's -only for a night or two, and you don't really suppose I wouldn't -rather be where you are if I was free to choose--but I'm _not_, Emma, -that's the worst of it! - -_Phillipson._ Well, go back to the drawing-room, then; don't keep Lady -Rhoda waiting for her liniment on my account. I ought to be in my -ladies' rooms by this time. Only don't be surprised if, whenever you -_are_ free to choose, you find you've come back just too late--that's -all! - - [_She turns to leave him._ - -_Spurrell_ (_detaining her_). Emma, I won't let you go like this! Not -before you've told me where I can meet you again here. - -_Phillipson._ There's no place that I know of--except the -housekeeper's room; and of course you couldn't descend so low as -that.... James, there's somebody coming! Let go my hand--do you want -to lose me my character! - - [_Steps and voices are heard at the other end of the - passage; she frees herself, and escapes._ - -_Spurrell_ (_attempting to follow_). But, Emma, stop one---- She's -gone!... Confound it, there's the butler and a page-boy coming! It's -no use staying up here any longer. (_To himself, as he goes -downstairs._) It's downright _torture_--that's what it is! To be tied -by the leg in the drawing-room, doing the civil to a lot of girls I -don't care a blow about; and to know that all the time some blarneying -beggar downstairs is doing his best to rob me of my Emma! Flesh and -blood can't stand it; and yet I'm blest if I see any way out of it -without offending 'em all round. - - [_He enters the Chinese Drawing-room._ - - - _In the Chinese Drawing-room._ - -_Miss Spelwane._ At last, Mr. Spurrell! We began to think you meant to -keep away altogether. Has anybody told you _why_ you've been waited -for so impatiently? - -_Spurrell_ (_looking round the circle of chairs apprehensively_). No. -Is it family prayers, or what? Er--are they over? - -_Miss Spelwane._ No, no; nothing of that sort. Can't you _guess_? Mr. -Spurrell, I'm going to be very bold, and ask a great, _great_ favour -of you. I don't know why they chose _me_ to represent them; I told -Lady Lullington I was afraid my entreaties would have no weight; but -if you only would---- - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). They're at it again! How many _more_ of 'em -want a pup! (_Aloud._) Sorry to be disobliging, but---- - -_Miss Spelwane_ (_joining her hands in supplication_). Not if I -_implore_ you? Oh, Mr. Spurrell, I've quite set my heart on hearing -you read aloud to us. Are you really cruel enough to refuse? - -_Spurrell._ Read aloud! Is _that_ what you want me to do? But I'm no -particular hand at it. I don't know that I've ever read aloud--except -a bit out of the paper now and then--since I was a boy at school! - -_Lady Cantire._ _What's_ that I hear? Mr. Spurrell professing -incapacity to read aloud? Sheer affectation! Come, Mr. Spurrell, I am -much mistaken if you are wanting in the power to thrill all hearts -here. Think of us as instruments ready to respond to your touch. Play -upon us as you will; but don't be so ungracious as to raise any -further obstacles. - -_Spurrell_ (_resignedly_). Oh, very well, if I'm required to read, -_I'm_ agreeable. - - [_Murmurs of satisfaction._ - -_Lady Cantire._ Hush, please, everybody! Mr. Spurrell is going to -read. My dear Bishop, if you _wouldn't_ mind just---- Lord Lullington, -can you hear where you are? Where are you going to sit, Mr. Spurrell? -In the centre will be best. Will somebody move that lamp a little, so -as to give him more light? - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself, as he sits down_). I wonder what we're -supposed to be playing at! (_Aloud._) Well, what am I to read, eh? - -_Miss Spelwane_ (_placing an open copy of_ "Andromeda" _in his hands -with a charming air of deferential dictation_). You might begin with -_this_--such a _dear_ little piece! I'm dying to hear _you_ read it! - - [Illustration: "YOU MIGHT BEGIN WITH THIS--SUCH A DEAR LITTLE - PIECE."] - -_Spurrell_ (_as he takes the book_). I'll do the best I can! (_He -looks at the page in dismay._) Why, look here, it's _poetry_! I didn't -bargain for that. Poetry's altogether out of my line! - - [Miss SPELWANE _opens her eyes to their fullest extent, and - retires a few paces from him; he begins to read in a - perfunctory monotone, with deepening bewilderment and - disgust_-- - - "THE SICK KNIGHT. - - Reach me the helmet from yonder rack, - _Mistress o' mine! with its plume of white_: - Now help me upon my destrier's back, - _Mistress o' mine! though he swerve in fright_. - And guide my foot to the stirrup-ledge, - _Mistress o' mine! it eludes me still_. - Then fill me a cup as a farewell pledge, - _Mistress o' mine! for the night air's chill_! - Haste! with the buckler and pennon'd lance, - _Mistress o' mine! or ever I feel_ - My war-horse plunge in impatient prance, - _Mistress o' mine! at the prick of heel_. - Pay scant heed to my pallid hue, - _Mistress o' mine! for the wan moon's sheen_ - Doth blazon the gules o' my cheek with blue, - _Mistress o' mine! or glamour it green_. - One last long kiss, ere I seek the fray ... - _Mistress o' mine! though I quit my sell_, - I would meet the foe i' the mad mêlée. - _Mistress o' mine! an' I were but well!_" - -(_After the murmur of conventional appreciation has died away._) Well, -of course, I don't set up for a judge of such things myself, but I -must say, if I was asked _my_ opinion--of all the downright tommy-rot -I _ever_---- (_The company look at one another with raised eyebrows -and dropped underlips; he turns over the leaves backwards until he -arrives at the title-page._) I _say_, though, I do call this _rather_ -rum! Who the dickens is Clarion Blair? Because _I_ never heard of -him--and yet it seems he's been writing poetry on my bull-dog! - -_Miss Spelwane_ (_faintly_). Writing poetry--about your bull-dog! - -_Spurrell._ Yes, the one you've all been praising up so. If it isn't -meant for her, it's what you might call a most surprising coincidence, -for here's the old dog's name as plain as it can be--_Andromeda_! - - [_Tableau._ - - - - -PART XVIII - -THE LAST STRAW - - - _After_ SPURRELL'S _ingenuous comments upon the volume in his - hand, a painful silence ensues, which no one has sufficient - presence of mind to break for several seconds_. - -_Miss Spelwane_ (_to herself_). Not Clarion Blair! Not even a poet! -I--I could _slap_ him! - -_Pilliner_ (_to himself_). Poor dear Vivien! But if people will insist -on patting a strange poet, they mustn't be surprised if they get a -nasty bite! - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). He didn't write _Andromeda_! Then he -hasn't got my letter after all! And I've been such a _brute_ to the -poor dear man! _How_ lucky I said nothing about it to Gerald! - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself_). So he _ain't_ the bard!... Now I -see why Maisie's been behavin' so oddly all the evenin'; she spotted -him, and didn't like to speak out. Tried to give me a hint, though. -Well, I shall stay out my leave now! - -_Lady Rhoda_ (_to herself_). I thought all along he seemed too good a -sort for a poet! - -_Archie_ (_to himself_). It's all very well; but how about that skit -he went up to write on us? He _must_ be a poet of sorts. - -_Mrs. Brooke-Chatteris_ (_to herself_). This is fearfully puzzling. -What made him say that about "Lady Grisoline"? - -_The Bishop_ (_to himself_). A crushing blow for the Countess; but not -unsalutary. I am distinctly conscious of feeling more kindly disposed -to that young man. Now why? - - [_He ponders._ - -_Lady Lullington_ (_to herself_). I thought this young man was going -to read us some more of his poetry; it's too tiresome of him to stop -to tell us about his bull-dog. As if anybody cared _what_ he called -it! - -_Lord Lullington_ (_to himself_). Uncommonly awkward, this! If I could -catch Laura's eye--but I suppose it would hardly be decent to go just -yet. - -_Lady Culverin_ (_to herself_). Can Rohesia have known this? What -possible object could she have had in---- And oh, dear, _how_ -disgusted Rupert will be! - -_Sir Rupert_ (_to himself_). Seems a decent young chap enough! Too -bad of Rohesia to let him in for this. I don't care a straw what he -is--he's none the worse for not being a poet. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_to herself_). What _is_ he maundering about? It's -utterly inconceivable that _I_ should have made any mistake. It's only -too clear what the cause is--_Claret_! - -_Spurrell_ (_aloud, good-humouredly_). Too bad of you to try and spoof -me like this before everybody, Miss Spelwane! I don't know whose idea -it was to play me such a trick, but---- - -_Miss Spelwane_ (_indistinctly_). Please understand that nobody here -had the _least_ intention of playing a trick upon you! - -_Spurrell._ Well, if you say so, of course---- But it looked rather -like it, asking me to read when I've about as much poetry in me as--as -a pot hat! Still, if I'm _wanted_ to read aloud, I shall be happy -to---- - -_Lady Culverin_ (_hastily_). Indeed, _indeed_, Mr. Spurrell, we -couldn't think of troubling you any more under the circumstances! (_In -desperation._) Vivien, my dear, won't you _sing_ something? - - [_The company echo the request with unusual eagerness._ - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself, during_ Miss SPELWANE'S _song_). Wonder -what's put them off being read to all of a sudden? My elocution mayn't -be first-class, exactly, but still---- (_As his eye happens to rest on -the binding of the volume on his knee._) Hullo! This cover's pink, -with silver things, not unlike cutlets, on it! Didn't Emma ask me----? -By George, if it's _that_! I may get down to the housekeeper's room, -after all! As soon as ever this squalling stops I'll find out; I -_can't_ go on like this! (Miss SPELWANE _leaves the piano; everybody -plunges feverishly into conversation on the first subject--other than -poetry or dogs--that presents itself, until_ Lord _and_ Lady -LULLINGTON _set a welcome example of departure_.) Better wait till -these county nobs have cleared, I suppose--there goes the last of -'em--now for it!... (_He pulls himself together, and approaches his -host and hostess._) Hem, Sir Rupert, and your ladyship, it's occurred -to me that it's just barely possible you may have got it in your heads -that I was something in the _poetical_ way. - -_Sir Rupert_ (_to himself_). Not this poor young chap's fault; must -let him down as easily as possible! (_Aloud._) Not at all--not at all! -Ha--assure you we quite understand; no necessity to say another word -about it. - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). Just my luck! They quite understand! No -housekeeper's room for me this journey! (_Aloud._) Of course I knew -the Countess, there, and Lady Maisie, were fully aware all along---- -(_To_ Lady MAISIE, _as stifled exclamations reach his ear_.) You -_were_, weren't you? - -_Lady Maisie_ (_hastily_). Yes, yes, Mr. Spurrell. Of course! It's all -_perfectly_ right! - -_Spurrell_ (_to the others_). You see, I should never have thought of -coming in as a visitor if it hadn't been for the Countess; she would -_have_ it that it was all right, and that I needn't be afraid I -shouldn't be welcome. - -_Lady Culverin._ To be sure--any friend of my sister-in-law's---- - -_Lady Cantire._ Albinia, I have refrained from speech as long as -possible; but this is really _too_ much! You _don't_ suppose I should -have introduced Mr. Spurrell here unless I had had the strongest -reasons for knowing, however he may be pleased to mystify us now, that -he, and nobody else, is the author of _Andromeda_! And I, for one, -absolutely decline to believe in this preposterous story of his about -a bull-dog. - -_Spurrell._ But your ladyship must have known! Why, you as good as -asked me on the way here to put you down for a bull-pup! - -_Lady Cantire._ Never, never! A bull-pup is the last creature I should -ever dream of coveting. You were obliging enough to ask me to accept a -presentation copy of your verses. - -_Spurrell._ Was I? I don't exactly see how I _could_ have been, -considering I never made a rhyme in my life! - -_Sir Rupert._ There, there, Rohesia, it was _your_ mistake; but as we -are indebted to it for the pleasure of making Mr. Spurrell's -acquaintance---- - -_Lady Cantire._ I am not in the habit of making mistakes, Rupert. I -don't know what you and Albinia and Maisie may know that I am in -ignorance of, but, since you seem to have been aware from the first -that Mr. Spurrell was not the poet you had invited here to meet me, -will you kindly explain what has become of the _real_ author? - -_Sir Rupert._ My dear Rohesia, I don't know and I don't _care_! - -_Lady Cantire._ There you are _wrong_, Rupert, because it's obvious -that if he is not Mr. Spurrell, the real poet's absence has to be -accounted for in _some_ way. - -_Spurrell._ By Jove, I believe I can put you on the track. I shouldn't -wonder if he's the party these dress clothes of mine belong to! I dare -say you may have noticed they don't look as if they were made for me? - -_Lady Cantire_ (_closing her eyes_). Pray let us avoid any sartorial -questions! We are waiting to hear about this person. - -_Spurrell._ Well, I found I'd got on his things by mistake, and I went -up as soon as I could after dessert to my room to take 'em off, and -there he was, with a waste-paper basket on his head---- - -_Lady Cantire._ A waste-paper basket on his head! And pray what should -he have _that_ for? - -_Spurrell._ I'm no wiser than your ladyship _there_. All _I_ know is -he said he wouldn't take it off till he saw me. And I never saw any -one in such a mess with ink and flour as he was! - -_Lady Cantire._ Ink and flour, indeed! This rigmarole gets more -ridiculous every moment! You can't seriously expect any one here to -believe it! - - [ARCHIE _discreetly retires to the smoking-room_. - -_Spurrell._ Well, I rather think somebody must have fixed up a -booby-trap for _me_, you know, and he happened to go in first and get -the benefit of it. And he was riled, very naturally, thinking _I_'d -done it, but after we'd had a little talk together, he calmed down and -said I might keep his clothes, which I thought uncommonly good-natured -of him, you know. By the way, he gave me his card. Here it is, if -your ladyship would like to see it. - - [_He hands it to_ Lady CULVERIN. - -_Lady Culverin._ "Mr. Undershell!"... Rohesia, that _is_ Clarion -Blair! I knew it was _something_ ending in "ell." (_To_ SPURRELL.) And -you say Mr. Undershell is here--in this house? - -_Spurrell._ Not now. He's gone by this time. - -_The Others_ (_in dismay_). Gone! - -_Spurrell._ He said he was leaving at once. If he'd only told me how -it was, I'd have---- - -_Lady Cantire._ I don't believe a single word of all this! If Mr. -Spurrell is not Clarion Blair, let him explain how he came to be -coming down to Wyvern this afternoon! - -_Spurrell._ If your ladyship doesn't really know, you had better ask -Sir Rupert; _he'll_ tell you it's all right. - -_Lady Cantire._ Then perhaps _you_ will be good enough to enlighten -us, Rupert? - -_Sir Rupert_ (_driven into a corner_). Why, 'pon my word, I'm bound to -say that I'm just as much in the dark as anybody else, if it comes to -that! - -_Spurrell_ (_eagerly_). But you wired me to come, sir! About a horse -of yours! I've been wondering all the evening when you'd tell me I -could go round and have a look at him. I'm here instead of Mr. -Spavin--_now_ do you understand, Sir Rupert? I'm the vet. - - [_Suppressed sensation._ - -_Sir Rupert_ (_to himself_). This is devilish awkward! Don't quite -know what to do. (_Aloud._) To--to be sure you are! Of course! That's -it, Rohesia! Mr. Spurrell came down to see a horse, and we shall be -very glad to have the benefit of his opinion by and bye. - - [_He claps him amicably on the shoulder._ - -_Lady Cantire_ (_in a sepulchral tone_). Albinia, I think I will go to -bed. - - [_She withdraws._ - - [Illustration: "ALBINIA, I THINK I WILL GO TO BED."] - -_Sir Rupert_ (_to himself_). There'll be no harm in letting him stay, -now he _is_ here. If Rohesia objects, she's got nobody but herself to -blame for it! - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). They won't want to keep me upstairs much -longer after this! (TREDWELL _enters, and seems to have something of -importance to communicate to_ Sir RUPERT _in private_.) I wonder what -the dooce is up _now_! - - [_Partial reaction in company._ - - - - -PART XIX - -UNEARNED INCREMENT - - -_Sir Rupert_ (_to_ TREDWELL). Well, what is it? - -_Tredwell_ (_in an undertone_). With reference to the party, Sir -Rupert, as represents himself to have come down to see the 'orse, -I---- - -_Sir Rupert_ (_aloud_). You mean Mr. Spurrell? It's all right. Mr. -Spurrell will see the horse to-morrow. (TREDWELL _disguises his utter -bewilderment_.) By the way, we expected a Mr. ---- What did you say -the name was, my dear?... Undershell? To be sure, a Mr. Undershell, to -have been here in time for dinner. Do you know why he has been unable -to come before this? - -_Tredwell_ (_to himself_). Do I know? Oh, Lor! (_Aloud._) I--I believe -he _have_ arrived, Sir Rupert. - -_Sir Rupert._ So I understand from Mr. Spurrell. Is he here still? - -_Tredwell._ He is, Sir Rupert. I--I considered it my dooty not to -allow him to leave the house, not feeling---- - -_Sir Rupert._ Quite right, Tredwell. I should have been most seriously -annoyed if I had found that a guest we were all anxiously expecting -had left the Court, owing to some fancied---- Where is he now? - -_Tredwell_ (_faintly_). In--in the Verney Chamber. Leastways---- - -_Sir Rupert._ Ah. (_He glances at_ SPURRELL.) Then where----? But that -can be arranged. Go up and explain to Mr. Undershell that we have only -this moment heard of his arrival; say we understand that he has been -obliged to come by a later train, and that we shall be delighted to -see him, just as he is. - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). He was worth looking at just as he _was_, -when _I_ saw him! - -_Pilliner_ (_to himself_). By a later train? Then, how the deuce did -his clothes----? Oh, well, however it was, it don't concern _me_. - -_Tredwell._ Very good, Sir Rupert. (_To himself, as he departs._) If -I'm not precious careful over this job, it may cost me my situation! - -_Spurrell._ Sir Rupert, I've been thinking that, after what's -occurred, it would probably be more satisfactory to all parties if I -shifted my quarters, and--took my meals in the housekeeper's room. - - [Lady MAISIE _and_ Lady RHODA _utter inarticulate protests_. - -_Sir Rupert._ My _dear_ sir, not on any account--couldn't _hear_ of -it! My wife, I'm sure, will say the same. - -_Lady Culverin_ (_with an effort_). I hope Mr. Spurrell will continue -to be our guest precisely as before--that is, if he will forgive us -for putting him into another room. - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). It's no use; I _can't_ get rid of 'em; they -stick to me like a lot of blooming burrs! (_Aloud, in despair._) Your -ladyship is very good, but---- Well, the fact is, I've only just found -out that a young lady I've long been deeply attached to is in this -very house. She's a Miss Emma Phillipson--maid, so I understand, to -Lady Maisie--and, without for one moment wishing to draw any -comparisons, or to seem ungrateful for all the friendliness I've -received, I really and truly would feel myself more comfortable in a -circle where I could enjoy rather more of my Emma's society than I can -here! - -_Sir Rupert_ (_immensely relieved_). Perfectly natural! -and--hum--sorry as we are to lose you, Mr. Spurrell, we--ah--mustn't -be inconsiderate enough to keep you here a moment longer. I've no -doubt you will find the young lady in the housekeeper's room--any one -will tell you where it is.... Good night to you, then; and, remember, -we shall expect to see you in the field on Tuesday. - -_Lady Maisie._ Good night, Mr. Spurrell, and--and I'm so very -glad--about Emma, you know. I hope you will both be very happy. - - [_She shakes hands warmly._ - - [Illustration: "I'M SO VERY GLAD--ABOUT EMMA, YOU KNOW."] - -_Lady Rhoda._ So do I. And mind you don't forget about that liniment, -you know. - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself_). Maisie don't care a hang! And I -was ass enough to fancy---- But there, that's all over now! - - - _In the Verney Chamber._ - -_Undershell_ (_in the dressing-room, to himself_). I wonder how long -I've been locked up here--it seems hours! I almost hope they've -forgotten me altogether.... Some one has come in.... If it should be -Sir Rupert!! Great heavens, what a situation to be found in by one's -host!... Perhaps it's only that fellow Spurrell; if so, there's a -chance. (_The door is unlocked by_ TREDWELL, _who has lighted the -candles on the dressing table_.) It's the butler again. Well, I shall -soon know the worst! (_He steps out, blinking, with as much dignity as -possible._) Perhaps you will kindly inform me why I have been -subjected to this indignity? - -_Tredwell_ (_in perturbation_). I think, Mr. Undershell, sir, in -common fairness, you'll admit as you've mainly yourself to thank for -any mistakes that have occurred; for which I 'asten to express my -pussonal regret. - -_Undershell._ So long as you realise that you have made a mistake, I -am willing to overlook it, on condition that you help me to get away -from this place without your master and mistress's knowledge. - -_Tredwell._ It's too late, sir. They know you're 'ere! - -_Undershell._ They know! Then there's no time to be lost. I must leave -this moment! - -_Tredwell._ No, sir, excuse me; but you can't hardly do that _now_. I -was to say that Sir Rupert and the ladies would be glad to see you in -the droring-room himmediate. - -_Undershell._ Man alive! do you imagine anything would induce me to -meet them now, after the humiliations I have been compelled to suffer -under this roof? - -_Tredwell._ If you would prefer anything that has taken place in the -room, sir, or in the stables to be 'ushed up---- - -_Undershell._ Prefer it! If it were only possible! But they know--they -_know_! What's the use of talking like that? - -_Tredwell_ (_to himself_). I know where I am now! (_Aloud._) They know -nothink up to the present, Mr. Undershell, nor yet I see no occasion -why they should--leastwise from any of _Us_. - -_Undershell._ But they know I'm here; how am I to account for all the -time----? - -_Tredwell._ Excuse me, sir. I thought of that, and it occurred to me -as it might be more agreeable to your feelings, sir, if I conveyed an -impression that you had only just arrived--'aving missed your train, -sir. - -_Undershell_ (_overjoyed_). How am I to thank you? that was really -most discreet of you--most considerate! - -_Tredwell._ I am truly rejoiced to hear you say so, sir. And I'll take -care nothing leaks out. And if you'll be kind enough to follow me to -the droring-room, the ladies are waiting to see you. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I may actually meet Lady Maisie Mull -after all! (_Aloud, recollecting his condition._) But I can't go down -like this. I'm in such a horrible mess! - -_Tredwell._ I reelly don't perceive it, sir; except a little white on -your coat-collar behind. Allow me--there it's off now. (_He gives him -a hand-glass_) If you'd like to see for yourself. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself as he looks_). A slight pallor, that's all. -I am more presentable than I could have hoped. (_Aloud._) Have the -kindness to take me to Lady Culverin at once. - - - _In the Chinese Drawing-room. A few minutes later._ - -_Sir Rupert_ (_to_ UNDERSHELL, _after the introductions have been gone -through_). And so you missed the 4.55 and had to come on by the 7.30 -which stops everywhere, eh? - -_Undershell._ It--it certainly does stop at most stations. - -_Sir Rupert._ And how did you get on to Wyvern--been here long? - -_Undershell._ N--not _particularly_ long. - -_Sir Rupert._ Fact is, you see, we made a mistake. Very ridiculous, -but we've been taking that young fellow, Mr. Spurrell, for _you_ all -this time; so we never thought of inquiring whether you'd come or not. -It was only just now he told us how he'd met you in the Verney -Chamber, and the very handsome way, if you will allow me to say so, in -which you had tried to efface yourself. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I didn't expect him to take _that_ view -of it! (_Aloud._) I--I felt I had no alternative. - - [Lady MAISIE _regards him with admiration_. - -_Sir Rupert._ You did an uncommon fine thing, sir, and I'm afraid you -received treatment on your arrival which you had every right to -resent. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I hoped he didn't know about the -housekeeper's room! (_Aloud._) Please say no more about it, Sir -Rupert. I know now that you were entirely innocent of any---- - -_Sir Rupert_ (_horrified_). Good Gad! you didn't suppose _I_ had any -hand in fixing up that booby-trap, or whatever it was, did you? Young -fellows will get bear-fighting and playing idiotic tricks on one -another, and you seem to have been the victim--that's how it was. Have -you had anything to eat since you came? If not---- - -_Undershell_ (_hastily_). Thank you, I--I _have_ dined. (_To -himself._) So he _doesn't_ know where, after all! I will spare him -_that_. - -_Sir Rupert._ Got some food at Shuntingbridge, eh? Afraid they gave -you a wretched dinner? - -_Undershell._ Quite the reverse, I assure you. (_To himself._) -Considering that it came from his own table! - -_Pilliner_ (_to himself_). I _still_ don't understand how his -clothes---- (_Aloud._) Did you send your portmanteau on ahead, then, or -what? - -_Undershell_ (_blankly_). Send my port--? I don't understand. - -_Pilliner._ Oh, I only asked, because the other man said he was -wearing your things. - -_Sir Rupert_ (_as_ UNDERSHELL _remains speechless_). I see how it -was--perfectly simple--rush for the train--porter put your luggage -in--you got left behind, wasn't that it? - -_Undershell._ I--I certainly _did_ get separated from my portmanteau, -somehow, and I suppose it must have arrived before me. (_To himself._) -Considering the pace of the fly-horse, I think I am justified in -assuming _that_! - -_Pilliner_ (_to himself_). Ass I was not to hold my tongue! - -_Lady Maisie_ (_in an undertone, to_ Captain THICKNESSE). Gerald, you -remember what I said some time ago--about poetry and poets? - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Perfectly. And I thought you were quite right. - -_Lady Maisie._ I was quite _wrong_. I didn't know what I was talking -about. I do now. Good night. (_She crosses to_ UNDERSHELL.) Good -night, Mr. Blair, I'm so very glad we have met--at last! - - [_She goes._ - -_Undershell_ (_to himself, rapturously_). She's _not_ freckled; she's -not even sandy. She's lovely! And, by some unhoped-for good fortune, -all this has only raised me in her eyes. I am more than compensated! - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself_). I may just as well get back to -Aldershot to-morrow--_now_. I'll go and prepare Lady C.'s mind, in -case. It's hard luck; just when everything seemed goin' right! I'd -give somethin' to have the other bard back, I know. It's no earthly -use my tryin' to stand against _this_ one! - - - - -PART XX - -DIFFERENT PERSONS HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS - - - LADY MAISIE'S _Room at Wyvern_. TIME--_Saturday night, about_ - 11.30. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to_ PHILLIPSON, _who is brushing her hair_). You are -_sure_ mamma isn't expecting me? (_Irresolutely._) Perhaps I had -better just run in and say good night. - -_Phillipson._ I wouldn't recommend it, really, my lady; her ladyship -seems a little upset in her nerves this evening. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). _Il-y-a de quoi!_ (_Aloud, relieved._) -It might only disturb her, certainly.... I hope they are making you -comfortable here, Phillipson? - -_Phillipson._ Very much so indeed, thank you, my lady. The tone of the -room downstairs is _most_ superior. - -_Lady Maisie._ _That's_ satisfactory. And I hear you have met an old -admirer of yours here--Mr. Spurrell, I mean. - -_Phillipson._ We _did_ happen to encounter each other in one of the -galleries, my lady, just for a minute; though I shouldn't have -expected _him_ to allude to it! - -_Lady Maisie._ Indeed! And why not? - -_Phillipson._ Mr. James Spurrell appears to have elevated himself to a -very different sphere from what he occupied when _I_ used to know him, -my lady; though how and why he comes to be where he is, I don't -rightly understand myself at present. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). And no wonder! I feel horribly guilty! -(_Aloud._) You mustn't blame poor Mr. Spurrell, Phillipson; _he_ -couldn't help it! - -_Phillipson_ (_with studied indifference_). I'm not blaming him, my -lady. If he prefers the society of his superiors to mine, he's very -welcome to do so; there's others only too willing to take his place! - -_Lady Maisie._ Surely none who would be as fond of you or make so good -a husband, Phillipson! - -_Phillipson._ That's as maybe, my lady. There was one young man that -travelled down in the same compartment, and sat next me at supper in -the room. I could see he took a great fancy to me from the first, and -his attentions were really quite pointed. I am sure I couldn't bring -myself to repeat his remarks, they were so flattering! - -_Lady Maisie._ Don't you think you will be rather a foolish girl if -you allow a few idle compliments from a stranger to outweigh such an -attachment as Mr. Spurrell seems to have for you? - -_Phillipson._ If _he_'s found new friends, my lady, I consider myself -free to act similarly. - -_Lady Maisie._ Then you don't know? He told us quite frankly this -evening that he had only just discovered you were here, and would much -prefer to be where you were. He went down to the housekeeper's room on -purpose. - -_Phillipson_ (_moved_). It's the first I've heard of it, my lady. It -must have been after I came up. If I'd only known he'd behave like -_that_! - -_Lady Maisie_ (_instructively_). You see how loyal he is to _you_. And -now, I suppose, he will find he has been supplanted by this new -acquaintance--some smooth-tongued, good-for-nothing valet, I dare say? - -_Phillipson_ (_injured_). Oh, my lady, indeed he wasn't a _man_! But -there was nothing serious between us--at least, on _my_ side--though -he certainly did go on in a very sentimental way himself. However, -he's left the Court by now, that's _one_ comfort! (_To herself._) I -wish now I'd said nothing about him to Jem. If he was to get asking -questions downstairs---- He always _was_ given to jealousy--reason or -none! - - [_A tap is heard at the door._ - -_Lady Rhoda_ (_outside_). Maisie, may I come in? if you've done your -hair, and sent away your maid. (_She enters._) Ah, I see you haven't. - -_Lady Maisie._ Don't run away, Rhoda; my maid has just done. You can -go now, Phillipson. - -_Lady Rhoda_ (_to herself, as she sits down_). Phillipson! So _that's_ -the young woman that funny vet man prefers to _us_! H'm, can't say I -feel flattered! - -_Phillipson_ (_to herself, as she leaves the room_). This must be the -Lady Rhoda, who was making up to my Jem! He wouldn't have anything to -say to her, though; and, now I see her, I am not surprised at it! - - [_She goes. A pause._ - -_Lady Rhoda_ (_crossing her feet on the fender_). Well, we can't -complain of havin' had a dull evenin', _can_ we? - - [Illustration: "WELL, WE CAN'T COMPLAIN OF HAVIN' HAD A DULL - EVENIN', CAN WE?"] - -_Lady Maisie_ (_taking a hand-screen from the mantelshelf_). Not -altogether. Has--anything fresh happened since I left? - -_Lady Rhoda._ Nothing particular. Archie apologised to this new man in -the billiard-room. For the booby trap. We all told him he'd _got_ to. -And Mr. Carrion Bear, or Blundershell, or whatever he calls -himself--_you_ know--was so awf'lly gracious and condescendin' that I -really thought poor dear old Archie would have wound up his apology by -punchin' his head for him. Strikes me, Maisie, that mop-headed -minstrel boy is a decided change for the worse. Doesn't it you? - -_Lady Maisie_ (_toying with the screen_). How do you _mean_, Rhoda? - -_Lady Rhoda._ I meantersay I call Mr. Spurrell---- Well, he's real, -anyway--he's a _man_, don't you know. As for the other, so _feeble_ of -him missin' his train like he did, and turnin' up too late for -everything! Now, _wasn't_ it? - -_Lady Maisie._ Poets _are_ dreamy and unpractical and unpunctual--it's -their nature. - -_Lady Rhoda._ Then they should stay at home. Just see what a hopeless -muddle he's got us all into! I declare I feel as if anybody might turn -into somebody else on the smallest provocation after this. I _know_ -poor Vivien Spelwane will be worryin' her pillows like rats most of -the night, and I rather fancy it will be a close time for poets with -your dear mother, Maisie, for some time to come. All this silly little -man's fault! - -_Lady Maisie._ No, Rhoda. Not his--_ours_. Mine and mamma's. We ought -to have felt from the first that there _must_ be some mistake, that -poor Mr. Spurrell couldn't _possibly_ be a poet! I don't know, -though--people generally _are_ unlike what you'd expect from their -books. I believe they do it on purpose! Not that that applies to Mr. -Blair; he _is_ one's idea of what a poet should be. If he hadn't -arrived when he did, I don't think I could ever have borne to read -another line of poetry as long as I lived! - -_Lady Rhoda._ I _say_! Do you call him as good-lookin' as all _that_? - -_Lady Maisie._ I was not thinking about his looks, Rhoda--it's his -_conduct_ that's so splendid. - -_Lady Rhoda._ His conduct? Don't see anything splendid in missin' a -train. I could do it myself if I tried. - -_Lady Maisie._ Well, I wish I could think there were many men capable -of acting so nobly and generously as he did. - -_Lady Rhoda._ As how? - -_Lady Maisie._ You really don't see! Well, then, you _shall_. He -arrives late, and finds that somebody else is here already in his -character. He makes no fuss; manages to get a private interview with -the person who is passing as himself; when, of course, he soon -discovers that poor Mr. Spurrell is as much deceived as anybody else. -What is he to do? Humiliate the unfortunate man by letting him know -the truth? Mortify my uncle and aunt by a public explanation before a -whole dinner-party? That is what a stupid or a selfish man might have -done, almost without thinking. But not Mr. Blair. He has too much -tact, too much imagination, too much chivalry for that. He saw at once -that his only course was to spare his host and hostess, and--and all -of us a scene, by slipping away quietly and unostentatiously, as he -had come. - -_Lady Rhoda_ (_yawning_). If he saw all that, why didn't he _do_ it? - -_Lady Maisie_ (_indignantly_). Why? How provoking you can be, Rhoda! -_Why?_ Because that stupid Tredwell wouldn't let him! Because Archie -delayed him by some idiotic practical joke! Because Mr. Spurrell went -and blurted it all out!... Oh, don't try to run down a really fine act -like that; because you can't--you simply _can't_! - -_Lady Rhoda_ (_after a low whistle_). No idea it had gone so far as -that--already! _Now_ I begin to see why Gerry Thicknesse has been -lookin' as if he'd sat on his best hat, and why he told your aunt he -might have to be off to-morrow; which is all stuff, because I happen -to know his leave ain't up for two or three days yet. But he sees this -Troubadour has put his poor old nose out of joint for him. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_flushing_). Now, Rhoda, I won't have you talking as -if--as if---- _You_ ought to know, if Gerald Thicknesse doesn't, that -it's nothing at all of that sort! It's just---- Oh, I can't _tell_ you -how some of his poems moved me, what new ideas, wider views they -seemed to teach; and then how _dreadfully_ it hurt to think it was -only Mr. Spurrell after all!... But _now_--oh, the _relief_ of finding -they're not spoilt; that I can still admire, still look up to the man -who wrote them! Not to have to feel that he is quite commonplace--not -even a gentleman--in the ordinary sense! - -_Lady Rhoda_ (_rising_). Ah well, I prefer a hero who looks as if he -had his hair cut, occasionally--but then, I'm not romantic. He may be -the paragon you say; but if I was you, my dear, I wouldn't expect too -much of that young man--allow a margin for shrinkage, don't you know. -And now I think I'll turn into my little crib, for I'm dead tired. -Good night; don't sit up late readin' poetry; it's my opinion you've -read quite enough as it is! - - [_She goes._ - -_Lady Maisie_ (_alone, as she gazes dreamily into the fire_). She -doesn't in the _least_ understand! She actually suspects me of---- As -if I could possibly--or as if mamma would ever--even if _he_---- Oh, -how _silly_ I am!... I don't care! I _am_ glad I haven't had to give -up my ideal. I _should_ like to know him better. What harm is there in -that? And if Gerald chooses to go to-morrow, he must--that's all. He -isn't nearly so nice as he used to be; and he has even _less_ -imagination than ever! I don't think I _could_ care for anybody so -absolutely matter-of-fact. And yet, only an hour ago I almost---- But -that was _before_! - - - - -PART XXI - -THE FEELINGS OF A MOTHER. - - - _In the Morning Room._ TIME--_Sunday morning; just after - breakfast._ - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_outside, to_ TREDWELL). Dogcart round, eh? -everything in? All right--shan't be a minute. (_Entering._) Hallo, -Pilliner, you all alone here? (_He looks round disconcertedly._) Don't -happen to have seen Lady Maisie about? - -_Pilliner._ Let me see--she _was_ here a little while ago, I fancy.... -Why? Do you want her? - -_Captain Thicknesse._ No--only to say good-bye and that. I'm just off. - -_Pilliner._ Off? To-day! You don't mean to tell me your chief is such -an inconsiderate old ruffian as to expect you to travel back to your -Tommies on the Sabbath! You could wait till to-morrow if you _wanted_ -to. Come now! - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Perhaps--only, you see, I _don't_ want to. - -_Pilliner._ Well, tastes differ. I shouldn't call a cross-country -journey in a slow train, with unlimited opportunities of studying the -company's bye-laws and traffic arrangements at several admirably -ventilated junctions, the ideal method of spending a cheery Sunday, -myself, that's all. - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_gloomily_). Dare say it will be about as cheery -as stoppin' on here, if it comes to that. - -_Pilliner._ I admit we were most of us a wee bit chippy at breakfast. -The bard conversed--I will say _that_ for him--but he seemed to -diffuse a gloom somehow. Shut you up once or twice in a manner that -might almost be described as damned offensive. - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Don't know what you all saw in what he said that -was so amusin'. Confounded rude _I_ thought it! - -_Pilliner._ Don't think anyone _was_ amused--unless it was Lady -Maisie. By the way, he might perhaps have selected a happier topic to -hold forth to Sir Rupert on than the scandalous indifference of large -landowners to the condition of the rural labourer. Poor dear old boy, -he stood it wonderfully, considering. Pity Lady Cantire breakfasted -upstairs; she'd have enjoyed herself. However, he had a very good -audience in little Lady Maisie. - -_Captain Thicknesse._ I do hate a chap that jaws at breakfast.... -_Where_ did you say she was? - -_Lady Maisie's voice_ (_outside, in conservatory_). Yes, you really -ought to see the orangery and the Elizabethan garden, Mr. Blair. If -you will be on the terrace in about five minutes, I could take you -round myself. I must go and see if I can get the keys first. - -_Pilliner._ If you want to say good-bye, old fellow, now's your -chance! - -_Captain Thicknesse._ It--it don't matter. She's engaged. And, look -here, you needn't mention that I was askin' for her. - -_Pilliner._ Of course, old fellow, if you'd rather not. (_He glances -at him._) But I say, my dear old chap, if _that's_ how it is with you, -I don't quite see the sense of chucking it up _already_, don't you -know. No earthly affair of mine, I know; still, if I _could_ manage to -stay on, I would, if I were _you_. - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Hang it all, Pilliner, do you suppose _I_ don't -know when the game's up! If it was any _good_ stayin' on---- And -besides, I've said good-bye to Lady C., and all that. No, it's too -late now. - -_Tredwell_ (_at the door_). Excuse me, sir, but if you're going by the -10.40, you haven't any too much time. - -_Pilliner_ (_to himself after_ Captain THICKNESSE _has hurried out_). -Poor old chap, he does seem hard hit! Pity he's not Lady Maisie's -sort. Though what she can see in that long-haired beggar----! Wonder -when Vivien Spelwane intends to come down; never knew her miss -breakfast before.... What's that rustling?... Women! I'll be off, or -they'll nail me for church before I know it. - - [_He disappears hastily in the direction of the Smoking-room - as_ Lady CANTIRE and Mrs. CHATTERIS _enter_. - - [Illustration: "I'LL BE OFF, OR THEY'LL NAIL ME FOR CHURCH - BEFORE I KNOW IT."] - -_Lady Cantire._ Nonsense, my dear, no walk at all; the church is only -just across the park. My brother Rupert always goes, and it pleases -him to see the Wyvern pew as full as possible. I seldom feel equal to -going myself, because I find the necessity of allowing pulpit -inaccuracies to pass without a protest gets too much on my nerves; but -my daughter will accompany you. You'll have just time to run up and -get your things on. - -_Mrs. Chatteris_ (_with arch significance_). I don't _fancy_ I shall -have the pleasure of your daughter's society this morning. I just met -her going to get the garden keys; I think she has promised to show the -grounds to---- Well, I needn't mention _whom_. Oh dear me, I hope I'm -not being indiscreet _again_! - -_Lady Cantire._ I make a point of never interfering with my daughter's -proceedings, and you can easily understand how natural it is that such -old friends as they have always been---- - -_Mrs. Chatteris._ Really? I _thought_ they seemed to take a great -pleasure in one another's society. It's quite romantic. But I must -rush up and get my bonnet on if I'm to go to church. (_To herself, as -she goes out._) So she _was_ "Lady Grisoline," after all! If I was her -mother---- But dear Lady Cantire is so advanced about things. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_to herself_). Darling Maisie! He'll be Lord -Dunderhead before very long. How sensible and sweet of her! And I was -quite uneasy about them last night at dinner; they scarcely seemed to -be talking to each other at all. But there's a great deal more in dear -Maisie than one would imagine. - -_Sir Rupert_ (_outside_). We're rather proud of our church, Mr. -Undershell--fine old monuments and brasses, if you care about that -sort of thing. Some of us will be walking over to service presently, -if you would like to---- - -_Undershell_ (_outside--to himself_). And lose my _tête-à-tête_ with -Lady Maisie! Not exactly! (_Aloud._) I am afraid, Sir Rupert, that I -cannot conscientiously---- - -_Sir Rupert_ (_hastily_). Oh, very well, very well; do exactly as you -like about it, of course. I only thought---- (_To himself._) Now, that -_other_ young chap would have gone! - -_Lady Cantire._ Rupert, who is that you are talking to out there? I -don't recognise his voice, somehow. - -_Sir Rupert_ (_entering with_ UNDERSHELL). Ha, Rohesia, you've come -down, then? slept well, I hope. I was talking to a gentleman whose -acquaintance I know you will be very happy to make--at last. This is -the genuine celebrity _this_ time. (_To_ UNDERSHELL.) Let me make you -known to my sister, Lady Cantire, Mr. Undershell. (_As_ Lady CANTIRE -_glares interrogatively_.) Mr. Clarion Blair, Rohesia, author of -hum--ha--_Andromache_. - -_Lady Cantire._ I thought we were given to understand last night that -Mr. Spurrell--Mr. Blair--you must pardon me, but it's really so very -confusing--that the writer of the--ah--volume in question had already -left Wyvern. - -_Sir Rupert._ Well, my dear, you see he is still here--er--fortunately -for us. If you'll excuse me, I'll leave Mr. Blair to entertain you; -got to speak to Adams about something. - - [_He hurries out._ - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). This must be Lady Maisie's mamma. Better -be civil to her, I suppose; but I can't stay here and entertain her -long! (_Aloud._) Lady Cantire, I--er--have an appointment for which I -am already a little late; but before I go, I should like to tell you -how much pleasure it has given me to know that my poor verse has won -your approval; appreciation from---- - -_Lady Cantire._ I'm afraid you must have been misinformed, -Mr.--a--Blair. There are so many serious publications claiming -attention in these days of literary over-production that I have long -made it a rule to read no literature of a lighter order that has not -been before the world for at least ten years. I may be mistaken, but I -infer from your appearance that your own work must be of a -considerably more recent date. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). If she imagines she's going to snub -Me----! (_Aloud._) Then I was evidently mistaken in gathering from -some expressions in your daughter's letter that---- - -_Lady Cantire._ Entirely. You are probably thinking of some totally -different person, as my daughter has never mentioned having written to -you, and is not in the habit of conducting _any_ correspondence -without my full knowledge and approval. I think you said you had some -appointment; if so, pray don't consider yourself under any necessity -to remain here. - -_Undershell._ You are very good; I will not. (_To himself, as he -retires._) Awful old lady, that! I quite thought she would know all -about that letter, or I should never have---- However, I said nothing -to compromise any one, luckily! - -_Lady Culverin_ (_entering_). Good morning, Rohesia. So glad you felt -equal to coming down. I was almost afraid--after _last night_, you -know. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_offering a cold cheekbone for salutation_). I am in -my usual health, thank you, Albinia. As to last night, if you _must_ -ask a literary Socialist down here, you might at least see that he is -received with common courtesy. You may, for anything _you_ can tell, -have advanced the Social Revolution ten years in a single evening! - -_Lady Culverin._ My _dear_ Rohesia! If you remember, it was you -yourself who----! - -_Lady Cantire_ (_closing her eyes_). I am in no condition to _argue_ -about it, Albinia. The slightest exercise of your own common sense -would have shown you---- But there, no great harm has been done, -fortunately, so let us say no more about it. I have something more -agreeable to talk about. I've every reason to hope that Maisie and -dear Gerald Thicknesse---- - -_Lady Culverin_ (_astonished_). Maisie? But I thought Gerald -Thicknesse spoke as if----! - -_Lady Cantire._ Very possibly, my dear. I have always refrained from -giving him the slightest encouragement, and I wouldn't put any -pressure upon dear Maisie for the world--still, I have my feelings as -a mother, and I can't deny that, with such prospects as he has now, it -_is_ gratifying for me to think that they may be coming to an -understanding together at this very moment. She is showing him the -grounds; which I always think are the great charm of Wyvern, so -_secluded_! - -_Lady Culverin_ (_puzzled_). Together! At this very moment! But--but -surely Gerald has _gone_? - -_Lady Cantire._ Gone! What nonsense, Albinia! Where in the world -should he have gone to? - -_Lady Culverin._ He _was_ leaving by the 10.40, I know. For Aldershot. -I ordered the cart for him, and he said good-bye after breakfast. He -seemed so dreadfully down, poor fellow, and I quite concluded from -what he said that Maisie must have---- - -_Lady Cantire._ Impossible, my dear, quite impossible! I tell you he -is _here_. Why, only a few minutes ago, Mrs. Chatteris was telling -me---- Ah, here she is to speak for herself. (_To_ Mrs. Chatteris, -_who appears, arrayed for divine service_.) Mrs. Chatteris, did I, or -did I _not_, understand you to say just now that my daughter -Maisie----? - -_Mrs. Chatteris_ (_alarmed_). But, _dear_ Lady Cantire, I had no idea -you would disapprove. Indeed you seemed---- And really, though she -certainly seems to find him rather well--_sympathetic_--I'm -sure--_almost_ sure--there can be nothing serious--at present. - -_Lady Cantire._ Thank you, my dear, I merely wished for an answer to -my question. And you see, Albinia, that Gerald Thicknesse can hardly -have gone yet, since he is walking about the grounds with Maisie. - -_Mrs. Chatteris._ Captain Thicknesse? But he _has_ gone, Lady Cantire! -I saw him start. I didn't mean _him_. - -_Lady Cantire._ Indeed? then I shall be obliged if you will say who it -is you _did_ mean. - -_Mrs. Chatteris._ Why, only her old friend and admirer--that little -poet man, Mr. Blair. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_to herself_). And I actually _sent_ him to her! -(_Rising in majestic wrath._) Albinia, whatever comes of this, -remember I shall hold _you_ entirely responsible! - - [_She sweeps out of the room; the other two ladies look - after her, and then at one another, in silent - consternation._ - - - - -PART XXII - -A DESCENT FROM THE CLOUDS - - - _In the Elizabethan Garden._ Lady MAISIE _and_ UNDERSHELL - _are on a seat in the Yew Walk_. TIME--_About_ 11 A.M. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_softly_). And you really meant to go away, and never -let one of us know what had happened to you! - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). How easy it is after all to be a hero! -(_Aloud._) That certainly _was_ my intention, only I was--er--not -permitted to carry it out. I trust you don't consider I should have -been to blame? - -_Lady Maisie_ (_with shining eyes_). To _blame_? Mr. Blair! As if I -could possibly do that! (_To herself._) He doesn't even see _how_ -splendid it was of him! - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I begin to believe that I can do _no_ -wrong in her eyes! (_Aloud._) It was not altogether easy, believe me, -to leave without even having seen your face; but I felt so strongly -that it was better so. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_looking down_). And--do you still feel that? - -_Undershell._ I must confess that I am well content to have failed. It -was such unspeakable torture to think that you, Lady Maisie, _you_ of -all people, would derive your sole idea of my personality from such an -irredeemable vulgarian as that veterinary surgeon--the man Spurrell! - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself, with an almost imperceptible start_). I -suppose it's only natural he should feel like that--but I wish--I _do_ -wish he had put it just a little differently! (_Aloud._) Poor Mr. -Spurrell! perhaps he was not exactly---- - -_Undershell._ Not _exactly_! I assure you it is simply inconceivable -to me that, in a circle of any pretensions to culture and refinement, -an ill-bred boor like that could have been accepted for a single -moment as--I won't say a Man of _Genius_, but---- - -_Lady Maisie_ (_the light dying out of her eyes_). No, _don't_--don't -go on, Mr. Blair. We were all excessively stupid, no doubt, but you -must make allowances for us--for _me_, especially. I have had so few -opportunities of meeting people who are really distinguished--in -literature, at least. Most of the people I know best are--well, not -exactly _clever_, you know. I so often wish I was in a set that cared -rather more about intellectual things! - -_Undershell_ (_with infinite pity_). How you must have pined for freer -air! How you must have starved on such mental provender as, for -example, the vapid and inane commonplaces of that swaggering -carpet-soldier, Captain--Thickset, isn't it? - -_Lady Maisie_ (_drawing back into her corner_). You evidently don't -know that Captain Thicknesse distinguished himself greatly in the -Soudan, where he was very severely wounded. - -_Undershell._ Possibly; but that is scarcely to the point. I do not -question his efficiency as a fighting animal. As to his intelligence, -perhaps, the less said the better. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_contracting her brows_). Decidedly. I ought to have -mentioned at once that Captain Thicknesse is a very old friend of -mine. - -_Undershell._ Really? _He_, at least, may be congratulated. But pray -don't think that I spoke with any personal animus; I merely happen to -entertain a peculiar aversion for a class whose profession is -systematic slaughter. In these Democratic times, when Humanity is -advancing by leaps and bounds towards International Solidarity, -soldiers are such grotesque and unnecessary anachronisms. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself, with a little shiver_). Oh, why does -he--why _does_ he? (_Aloud._) I should have thought that, until war -itself is an anachronism, men who are willing to fight and die for -their country could never be quite unnecessary. But we won't discuss -Captain Thicknesse, particularly now that he has left Wyvern. Suppose -we go back to Mr. Spurrell. I know, of course, that, in leaving him in -ignorance as you did, you acted from the best and highest motives; but -still---- - -_Undershell._ It is refreshing to be so thoroughly understood! I think -I know what your "but still" implies--why did I not foresee that he -would infallibly betray himself before long? I _did_. But I gave him -credit for being able to sustain his part for another hour or -two--until I had gone, in fact. - -_Lady Maisie._ Then you didn't wish to spare _his_ feelings as well as -ours? - -_Undershell._ To be quite frank, I didn't trouble myself about him: my -sole object was to retreat with dignity; he had got himself somehow or -other into a false position he must get out of as best he could. After -all, he would be none the worse for having filled _my_ place for a few -hours. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_slowly_). I see. It didn't matter to you whether he -was suspected of being an impostor, or made to feel uncomfortable, -or--or anything. Wasn't that a little unfeeling of you? - -_Undershell._ Unfeeling! I allowed him to keep my evening clothes, -which is more than a good many---- - -_Lady Maisie._ At all events, he may have had to pay more heavily than -you imagine. I wonder whether---- But I suppose anything so unromantic -as the love affairs of a veterinary surgeon would have no interest for -you? - -_Undershell._ Why not, Lady Maisie? To the Student of Humanity, and -still more to the Poet, the humblest love-story may have its -interesting--even its suggestive--aspect. - -_Lady Maisie._ Well, I may tell you that it seems Mr. Spurrell has -long been attached, if not actually engaged, to a maid of mine. - -_Undershell_ (_startled out of his self-possession_). You--you don't -mean to Miss Phillipson? - -_Lady Maisie._ That _is_ her name. How very odd that you---- But -perhaps Mr. Spurrell mentioned it to you last night? - -_Undershell_ (_recovering his sangfroid_). I am hardly likely to have -heard of it from any other quarter. - -_Lady Maisie._ Of course not. And did he tell you that she was here, -in this very house? - -_Undershell._ No, he never mentioned _that_. What a remarkable -coincidence! - -_Lady Maisie._ Yes, rather. The worst of it is that the foolish girl -seems to have heard that he was a guest here, and have jumped to the -conclusion that he had ceased to care for her; so she revenged herself -by a desperate flirtation with some worthless wretch she met in the -housekeeper's room, whose flattery and admiration, I'm very much -afraid, have completely turned her head! - -_Undershell_ (_uncomfortably_). Ah, well, she must learn to forget -him, and no doubt, in time---- How wonderful the pale sunlight is on -that yew hedge! - -_Lady Maisie._ You are not very sympathetic! I should not have told -you at all, only I wanted to show you that if poor Mr. Spurrell _did_ -innocently usurp your place, he may have lost---- But I see all this -only bores you. - -_Undershell._ Candidly, Lady Maisie, I can't affect a very keen -interest in the--er--gossip of the housekeeper's room. Indeed, I am -rather surprised that _you_ should condescend to listen to---- - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). This is really _too_ much! (_Aloud._) It -never occurred to me that I was "condescending" in taking an interest -in a pretty and wayward girl who happens to be my maid. But then, I'm -not a Democrat, Mr. Blair. - -_Undershell._ I--I'm afraid you construed my remark as a rebuke; which -it was not at all intended to be. - -_Lady Maisie._ It would have been rather superfluous if it had been, -wouldn't it? (_Observing his growing uneasiness._) I'm afraid you -don't find this bench quite comfortable? - -_Undershell._ I--er--moderately so. (_To himself._) There's a female -figure coming down the terrace steps. It's horribly like---- But that -must be my morbid fancy; still, if I can get Lady Maisie away, just in -case---- (_Aloud._) D--don't you think sitting still becomes a -little--er--monotonous after a time? Couldn't we---- - - [_He rises, spasmodically._ - -_Lady Maisie_ (_rising too_). Certainly; we have sat here quite long -enough. It is time we went back. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). We shall meet her! and I'm almost sure -it's---- I _must_ prevent any---- (_Aloud._) Not _back_, Lady Maisie! -You--you promised to show me the orchid-house--you did, indeed! - -_Lady Maisie._ Very well; we can go in, if you care about orchids. -It's on our way back. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). This is too awful! It _is_ that girl -Phillipson. She is looking for somebody! Me! (_Aloud._) On second -thoughts, I don't think I _do_ care to see the orchids. I detest them; -they are such weird, unnatural, extravagant things. Let us turn back -and see if there are any snowdrops on the lawn behind that hedge. I -love the snowdrop, it is so trustful and innocent, with its pure -green-veined---- _Do_ come and search for snowdrops! - - [Illustration: "DO COME AND SEARCH FOR SNOWDROPS!"] - -_Lady Maisie._ Not just now. I think--(_as she shields her eyes with -one hand_)--I'm not quite sure yet--but I rather fancy that must be my -maid at the other end of the walk. - -_Undershell_ (_eagerly_). _I_ assure you, Lady Maisie, you are quite -mistaken. Not the _least_ like her! - -_Lady Maisie_ (_astonished_). Why, how can you possibly tell that, -without having seen her, Mr. Blair? - -_Undershell._ I--I meant---- You described her as "pretty," you know. -This girl is plain--distinctly plain! - -_Lady Maisie._ I don't agree at all. However, it certainly is -Phillipson, and she seems to have come out in search of me; so I had -better see if she has any message. - -_Undershell._ She hasn't. I'm _positive_ she hasn't. She--she wouldn't -walk like _that_ if she had. (_In feverish anxiety._) Lady Maisie, -shall we turn back? She--she hasn't seen us _yet_! - -_Lady Maisie._ Really, Mr. Blair! I don't quite see why I should run -away from my own maid!... What is it, Phillipson? - - [_She advances to meet_ PHILLIPSON, _leaving_ UNDERSHELL - _behind, motionless_. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). It's all over! That confounded girl -recognises me. I saw her face change! She'll be jealous, I _know_ -she'll be jealous--and then she'll tell Lady Maisie everything!... I -wish to Heaven I could hear what she is saying. Lady Maisie seems -agitated.... I--I might stroll gently on and leave them; but it would -look too like running away, perhaps. No, I'll stay here and face it -out like a man! I won't give up just yet. (_He sinks limply upon the -bench._) After all, I've been in worse holes than this since I came -into this infernal place, and I've always managed to scramble -out--triumphantly too! If she will only give me five minutes alone, I -_know_ I can clear myself; it isn't as if I had done anything to be -_ashamed_ of.... She's sent away that girl. She seems to be expecting -me to come to her.... I--I suppose I'd better. - - [_He rises with effort, and goes towards_ Lady MAISIE _with - a jaunty unconsciousness that somehow has the air of - stopping short just above the knees_. - - - - -PART XXIII - -SHRINKAGE - - - _In the Yew Walk._ - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself, as she watches_ UNDERSHELL _approaching_). -How badly he walks, and what _does_ he mean by smiling at me like -that? (_Aloud, coldly._) I am sorry, Mr. Blair, but I must leave you -to finish your stroll alone; my maid has just told me---- - -_Undershell_ (_vehemently_). Lady Maisie, I ask you, in common -fairness, not to judge me until you have heard _my_ version. You will -not allow the fact that I travelled down here in the same compartment -with your maid, Phillipson---- - -_Lady Maisie_ (_wide-eyed_). The _same_! But _we_ came by that train. -I thought you missed it? - -_Undershell._ I--I was not so fortunate. It is rather a long and -complicated story, but---- - -_Lady Maisie._ I'm afraid I really can't listen to you _now_, Mr. -Blair, after what I have heard from Phillipson---- - -_Undershell._ I implore you not to go without hearing both sides. Sit -down again--if only for a minute. I feel confident that I can explain -everything satisfactorily. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_sitting down_). I can't imagine what there is to -explain--and really I ought, if Phillipson---- - -_Undershell._ You know what maids _are_, Lady Maisie. They embroider. -Unintentionally, I dare say, but still, they _do_ embroider. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_puzzled_). She is very clever at mending lace, I know, -though what _that_ has to do with it---- - -_Undershell._ Listen to me, Lady Maisie. I came to this house at your -bidding. Yes, but for your written appeal, I should have treated the -invitation I received from your aunt with silent contempt. Had I -obeyed my first impulse and ignored it, I should have been spared -humiliations and indignities which ought rather to excite your pity -than--than any other sensation. Think--try to realise what my feelings -must have been when I found myself expected by the butler here to sit -down to supper with him and the upper servants in the housekeeper's -room! - -_Lady Maisie_ (_shocked_). Oh, Mr. Blair! Indeed, I had no---- You -weren't _really_! How _could_ they? What _did_ you say? - -_Undershell_ (_haughtily_). I believe I let him know my opinion of the -snobbery of his employers in treating a guest of theirs so cavalierly. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_distressed_). But surely--_surely_ you couldn't -suppose that my uncle and aunt were capable of---- - -_Undershell._ What else _could_ I suppose, under the circumstances? It -is true I have since learnt that I was mistaken in this particular -instance; but I am not ignorant of the ingrained contempt you -aristocrats have for all who live by exercising their intellect--the -bitter scorn of birth for brains! - -_Lady Maisie._ I am afraid the--the contempt is all on the other side; -but if _that_ is how you feel about it, I don't wonder that you were -indignant. - -_Undershell._ Indignant! I was _furious_. In fact, nothing would have -induced me to sit down to supper at all, if it hadn't been for---- - -_Lady Maisie_ (_in a small voice_). Then--you _did_ sit down? With the -servants! Oh, Mr. Blair! - -_Undershell._ I thought you were already aware of it. Yes, Lady -Maisie, I endured even that. But (_with magnanimity_) you must not -distress yourself about it now. If _I_ can forget it, surely you can -do so! - -_Lady Maisie._ Can I? That _you_ should have consented, for any -consideration whatever; how could you--how _could_ you? - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). She admires me all the more for it. But I -_knew_ she would take the right view! (_Aloud, with pathos._) I was -only compelled by absolute starvation. I had had an unusually light -lunch, and I was so hungry! - -_Lady Maisie_ (_after a pause_). That explains it, of course.... I -hope they gave you a good supper! - -_Undershell._ Excellent, thank you. Indeed, I was astonished at the -variety and even luxury of the table. There was a pyramid of -quails---- - -_Lady Maisie._ I am pleased to hear it. But I thought there was -something you were going to explain. - -_Undershell._ I have been _endeavouring_ to explain to the best of my -ability that if I have undesignedly been the cause of--er--a temporary -diversion in the state of Miss Phillipson's affections, no one could -regret more deeply than I that the--er--ordinary amenities of the -supper-table should have been mistaken for---- - -_Lady Maisie_ (_horrified_). Oh, stop, Mr. Blair, please stop! I don't -want to hear any more. I see now. It was _you_ who---- - -_Undershell._ Of course it was I. Surely the girl herself has been -telling you so just now! - -_Lady Maisie._ You really thought _that_ possible, too? She simply -came with a message from my mother. - -_Undershell_ (_slightly disconcerted_). Oh! If I had known it was -merely _that_. However, I am sure I need not ask you to treat my--my -communication in the strictest confidence, Lady Maisie. - -_Lady Maisie._ Indeed, that is _perfectly_ unnecessary, Mr. Blair. - -_Undershell._ Yes, I felt from the first that I could trust you--even -with my life. And I cannot regret having told you, if it has enabled -you to understand me more thoroughly. It is such a relief that you -know all, and that there are no more secrets between us. You _do_ feel -that I only acted as was natural and inevitable under the -circumstances? - -_Lady Maisie._ Oh yes, yes. I--I dare say you could not help it. I -mean you did quite, _quite_ right! - -_Undershell._ Ah, how you comfort me with your fresh girlish---- You -are not _going_, Lady Maisie? - -_Lady Maisie_ (_rising_). I must. I ought to have gone before. My -mother wants me. No, you are not to come too; you can go on and gather -those snowdrops, you know. - - [_She walks slowly back to the house._ - -_Undershell_ (_looking after her_). She took it wonderfully well. I've -made it all right, or she wouldn't have said that about the snowdrops. -Yes, she shall not be disappointed; she shall have her posy! - - - _In the Morning-room. Half an hour later._ - -_Lady Maisie_ (_alone--to herself_). Thank goodness, _that's_ over! It -was _awful_. I don't think I _ever_ saw mamma a deeper shade of plum -colour! _How_ I have been mistaken in Mr. Blair! That he could write -those lines-- - - "Aspiring unto that far-off Ideal, - I may not stoop to any meaner love," - -and yet philander with my poor foolish Phillipson the moment he met -her! And then to tell mamma about my letter like that! Why, even Mr. -Spurrell had more discretion--to be sure, _he_ knew nothing about -it--but _that_ makes no difference! Rhoda was right; I ought to have -allowed a margin--only I should never have allowed margin _enough_! -The worst of it is that, if mamma was unjust in some things she said, -she was right about _one_. I _have_ disgusted Gerald. He mayn't be -brilliant, but at least he's straightforward and loyal and a -gentleman, and--and he _did_ like me once. He doesn't any more--or he -wouldn't have gone away. And it may be ages before I ever get a -chance to let him see how _dreadfully_ sorry---- (_She turns, and -sees_ Captain THICKNESSE.) Oh, haven't you gone _yet_? - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Yes, I went, but I've come back again. I--I -couldn't help it; 'pon my word I couldn't. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_with a sudden flush_). You--you weren't _sent_ -for--by--by any one? - -_Captain Thicknesse._ So _likely_ any one would send for me, isn't it? - -_Lady Maisie._ I don't know why I said that; it was silly, of course. -But how---- - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Ran it a bit too fine; got to Shuntin'bridge -just in time to see the tail end of the train disappearin'; wasn't -another for hours--not much to do _there_, don't you know. - -_Lady Maisie._ You might have taken a walk--or gone to church. - -_Captain Thicknesse._ So I might, didn't occur to me; and besides, -I--I remembered I never said good-bye to _you_. - -_Lady Maisie._ Didn't you? And whose fault was that? - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Not mine, anyhow. You were somewhere about the -grounds with Mr. Blair. - -_Lady Maisie._ Now you mention it, I believe I was. We had--rather an -interesting conversation. Still, you might have come to look for me! - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Perhaps you wouldn't have been over and above -glad to see me. - -_Lady Maisie._ Oh yes, I should!--When it was to say _good-bye_, you -know! - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Ah! Well, I suppose I shall only be in the way -if I stop here any longer now. - -_Lady Maisie._ Do you? What makes you suppose that? - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Nothin'! Saw your friend the bard hurryin' along -the terrace with a bunch of snowdrops; he'll be here in another---- - -_Lady Maisie_ (_in unmistakable horror_). Gerald, _why_ didn't you -tell me before? There's only just time! - - [_She flies to a door and opens it._ - -_Captain Thicknesse._ But I _say_, you know! Maisie, may I come too? - -_Lady Maisie._ Don't be a _goose_, Gerald. Of course you can, if you -like. - - [_She disappears in the conservatory._ - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself_). Can't quite make this out, but -I'm no end glad I came back! - - [_He follows quickly._ - -_Undershell_ (_entering_). I hoped I should find her here. (_He looks -round._) Her mother's gone--that's _something_! I dare say Lady -Maisie will come in presently. (_He sits down and re-arranges his -snowdrops._) It will be sweet to see her face light up when I offer -her these as a symbol of the new and closer link between us! (_He -hears the sound of drapery behind him._) Ah, already! (_Rising, and -presenting his flowers with downcast eyes._) I--I have ventured to -gather these--for you. (_He raises his eyes._) Miss Spelwane! - -_Miss Spelwane_ (_taking them graciously_). How very sweet of you, Mr. -Blair. Are they really for me? - - [Illustration: "HOW VERY SWEET OF YOU, MR. BLAIR. ARE THEY - REALLY FOR ME?"] - -_Undershell_ (_concealing his disappointment_). Oh--er--yes. If you -will give me the pleasure of accepting them. - -_Miss Spelwane._ I feel immensely proud. I was so afraid you must have -thought I was rather cross to you last night. I didn't mean to be. I -was feeling a little overdone, that was all. But you have chosen a -charming way of letting me see that I am forgiven. (_To herself._) -It's really _too_ touching. He certainly is a great improvement on the -other wretch! - -_Undershell_ (_dolefully_). I--I had no such intention, I assure you. -(_To himself._) I hope to goodness Lady Maisie won't come in before I -can get rid of this girl. I seem fated to be misunderstood here! - - - - -PART XXIV - -THE HAPPY DISPATCH - - - "Perhaps it was right to dissemble your love, but----" - - _In the Morning-room._ TIME--_About_ 1 P.M. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself alone_). I'm rather sorry that that Miss -Spelwane couldn't stay. She's a trifle angular--but clever. It was -distinctly sharp of her to see through that fellow Spurrell from the -first, and lay such an ingenious little trap for him. And she has a -great feeling for Literature--knows my verses by heart, I discovered, -quite accidentally. All the same, I wish she hadn't intercepted those -snowdrops. Now I shall have to go out and pick some more. (_Sounds -outside in the entrance hall._) Too late--they've got back from -church! - -_Mrs. Brooke-Chatteris_ (_entering with_ Lady RHODA, Sir RUPERT _and_ -BEARPARK). Such a nice, plain, simple service--I'm positively -_ravenous_! - -_Lady Rhoda._ Struck me some of those chubby choir-boys wanted -smackin'. What a business it seems to get the servants properly into -their pew--as bad as boxin' a string of hunters! As for _you_, -Archie, the way you fidgeted durin' the sermon was downright -disgraceful!... So _there_ you are, Mr. Blair; not been to church; but -I forgot--p'raps you're a Dissenter, or somethin'? - -_Undershell_ (_annoyed_). Only, Lady Rhoda, in the sense that I have -hitherto failed to discover any form of creed that commands my -intellectual assent. - -_Lady Rhoda_ (_unimpressed_). I expect you haven't tried. Are you -a--what d'ye call it?--a Lacedemoniac? - -_Undershell_ (_with lofty tolerance_). I _presume_ you mean a -"Laodicean." No, I should rather describe myself as a Deist. - -_Archie_ (_in a surly undertone_). What's a _Deast_ when he's at home? -If he'd said a _Beast_, now! (_Aloud, as_ PILLINER _enters with_ -Captain THICKNESSE.) Hullo, why, here's Thicknesse! So you _haven't_ -gone, after all, then? - -_Captain Thicknesse._ What an observant young beggar you are, -Bearpark! Nothin' escapes you. No, I haven't. (_To_ Sir RUPERT, -_rather sheepishly_.) Fact, is, sir, I--I somehow just missed the -train, and--and--thought I might as well come back, instead of waitin' -about, don't you know. - -_Sir Rupert_ (_heartily_). Why, of course, my dear boy, of course! -Never have forgiven you if you _hadn't_. Great nuisance for _you_, -though. Hope you blew the fool of a man up; he _ought_ to have been -round in plenty of time. - -_Captain Thicknesse._ Not the groom's fault, sir. I kept him waitin' a -bit, and--and we had to stop to shift the seat and that, and so---- - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). Great blundering booby! Can't he see -nobody wants him _here_? As if he hadn't bored poor Lady Maisie enough -at breakfast! Ah, well, I must come to her rescue once more, I -suppose! - -_Sir Rupert._ Half an hour to lunch! Anybody like to come round to the -stables? I'm going to see how my wife's horse Deerfoot is getting on. -Fond of horses, eh, Mr.--a--Undershell? Care to come with us? - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I've seen quite enough of _that_ beast -already! (_Aloud, with some asperity._) You must really excuse me, Sir -Rupert. I am at one with Mr. Ruskin--I _detest_ horses. - -_Sir Rupert._ Ah? Pity. We're rather fond of 'em here. But we can't -expect a poet to be a sportsman, eh? - -_Undershell._ For my own poor part, I confess I look forward to a day, -not far distant, when the spread of civilisation will have abolished -every form of so-called Sport. - -_Sir Rupert._ _Do_ you, though? (_After conquering a choke with -difficulty._) Allow me to hope that you will continue to enjoy the -pleasures of anticipation as long as possible. (_To the rest._) Well, -are you coming? - - [_All except_ UNDERSHELL _follow their host out_. - -_Undershell_ (_alone, to himself_). If they think I'm going to be -_patronised_, or suppress my honest convictions----! Now I'll go and -pick those---- (Lady MAISIE _enters from the conservatory_.) Ah, Lady -Maisie, I have been trying to find you. I had plucked a few snowdrops, -which I promised myself the pleasure of presenting to you. -Unfortunately they--er--failed to reach their destination. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_distantly_). Thanks, Mr. Blair; I am only sorry you -should have given yourself such unnecessary trouble. - -_Undershell_ (_detaining her, as she seemed about to pass on_). -I have another piece of intelligence which you may hear -less--er--philosophically, Lady Maisie. Your _bête noire_ has -returned. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_with lifted eyebrows_). My _bête noire_, Mr. Blair? - -_Undershell._ Why affect not to understand? I have an infallible -instinct in all matters concerning _you_, and, sweetly tolerant as you -are, I instantly divined what an insufferable nuisance you found our -military friend, Captain Thicknesse. - -_Lady Maisie._ There are limits even to _my_ tolerance, Mr. Blair. I -admit I find some people insufferable--but Captain Thicknesse is not -one of them. - -_Undershell._ Then appearances are deceptive indeed. Come, Lady -Maisie, surely you can trust _me_! - - [Lady CANTIRE _enters_. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_in her most awful tones_). Maisie, my dear, I appear -to have interrupted an interview of a somewhat confidential character. -If so, pray let me know it, and I will go elsewhere. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_calmly_). Not in the very least, mamma. Mr. Blair was -merely trying to prepare me for the fact that Captain Thicknesse has -come back; which was quite needless, as I happen to have heard it -already from his own lips. - -_Lady Cantire._ Captain Thicknesse come back! (_To_ UNDERSHELL.) I -wish to speak to my daughter. May I ask you to leave us? - -_Undershell._ With pleasure, Lady Cantire. (_To himself, as he -retires._) What a consummate actress that girl is! And what a -coquette! - -_Lady Cantire_ (_after a silence_). Maisie, what does all this mean? -No _nonsense_, now! What brought Gerald Thicknesse back? - -_Lady Maisie._ I _suppose_ the dog-cart, mamma. He missed his train, -you know. I don't think he minds--much. - -_Lady Cantire._ Let me tell you _this_, my dear. It is a great deal -more than you _deserve_ after---- How long has he come back for? - -_Lady Maisie._ Only a few hours; but--but from things he said, I fancy -he would stay on longer--if Aunt Albinia asked him. - -_Lady Cantire._ Then we may consider that settled; he stays. (Lady -CULVERIN _appears_.) Here _is_ your aunt. You had better leave us, my -dear. - - - _Somewhat later; the Party have assembled for Lunch._ - -_Sir Rupert_ (_to his wife_). Well, my dear, I've seen that young -Spurrell (smart fellow he is, too, thoroughly up in his business), and -you'll be glad to hear he can't find anything seriously wrong with -Deerfoot. - -_Undershell_ (_in the background, to himself_). No more could I, for -that matter! - -_Sir Rupert._ He's clear it isn't navicular, which Adams was afraid -of, and he thinks, with care and rest, you know, the horse will be as -fit as a fiddle in a very few days. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). Just exactly what I _told_ them; but the -fools wouldn't believe _me_! - -_Lady Culverin._ Oh, Rupert, I _am_ so glad. How clever of that nice -Mr. Spurrell! I was afraid my poor Deerfoot would have to be shot. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). She may thank me that he _wasn't_. And -this other fellow gets all the credit for it. How like Life! - -_Lady Maisie._ And, Uncle Rupert, how about--about Phillipson, you -know? Is it all right? - -_Sir Rupert._ Phillipson? Oh, why, 'pon my word, my dear, didn't think -of asking. - -_Lady Rhoda._ But _I_ did, Maisie. And they met this mornin', and it's -all settled, and they're as happy as they can be. Except that he's on -the look out for a mysterious stranger, who disappeared last night, -after tryin' to make desperate love to her. He is determined, if he -can find him, to give him a piece of his mind. - - [UNDERSHELL _endeavours to conceal his extreme uneasiness_. - -_Pilliner._ And the whole of a horsewhip. He invited my opinion of it -as an implement of castigation. Kind of thing, you know, that would -impart "proficiency in the _trois temps_, as danced in the most select -circles," in a single lesson to a lame bear. (_To himself._) I drew my -little bow at a venture, and I'm hanged if it hasn't touched him up! -There's _something_ fishy about this chap--I felt it all along. Still, -I don't see what more I can do--or I'd do it, for poor old Gerry -Thicknesse's sake. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I don't stir a step out of this house -while I'm here, that's all! - -_Sir Rupert._ Ha-ha! Athletic young chap that. Glad to see him in the -field next Tuesday. By the way, Albinia, you've heard how Thicknesse -here contrived to miss his train this morning? Our gain, of course; -but still we must manage to get you back to Aldershot to-night, my -boy, or you'll get called over the coals by your colonel when you _do_ -put in an appearance, hey? Now, let's see; what train ought you to -catch? - - [_He takes up_ "Bradshaw" _from a writing-table_. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_possessing herself of the volume_). Allow me, Rupert, -my eyes are better than yours. _I_ will look out his trains for him. -(_After consulting various pages._) Just as I _thought_! Quite -impossible for him to reach North Camp to-night now. There isn't a -train till six, and _that_ gets to town just too late for him to drive -across to Waterloo and catch the last Aldershot train. So there's no -more to be said. - - [_She puts_ "Bradshaw" _away_. - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_with undisguised relief_). Oh, well, dessay -they won't kick up much of a row if I don't get back till -to-morrow,--or the day _after_, if it comes to that. - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). It _shan't_ come to that--if _I_ can -prevent it! Lady Maisie is quite in despair, I can see. (_Aloud._) -Indeed? I was--a--not aware that discipline was quite so lax as that -in the British Army. And surely officers should set an example of---- - - [_He finds that his intervention has produced a distinct - sensation, and, taking up the discarded_ "Bradshaw" - _becomes engrossed in its study_. - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_ignoring him completely_). It's like this, Lady -Culverin. Somehow I--I muddled up the dates, don't you know. Mean to -say, got it into my head to-day was the 20th, instead of only the -18th. (_Lamely._) That's how it _was_. - -_Lady Culverin._ Delightful, my dear Gerald. Then we shall keep you -here till Tuesday, of _course_! - -_Undershell_ (_looking up from_ "Bradshaw," _impulsively_). Lady -Culverin, I see there's a very good train which leaves Shuntingbridge -at 3.15 this afternoon, and gets---- - - [_The rest regard him with unaffected surprise and - disapproval._ - -_Lady Cantire_ (_raising her glasses_). Upon my word, Mr. Blair! If -you will kindly leave Captain Thicknesse to make his own -arrangements----! - -_Lady Maisie_ (_interposing hastily_). But, mamma, you must have -misunderstood Mr. Blair! As if he would _dream_ of---- He was merely -mentioning the train he wishes to go by himself. _Weren't_ you, Mr. -Blair? - -_Undershell_ (_blinking and gasping_). I--eh? Just so, that--that -_was_ my intention, certainly. (_To himself._) Does she at all realise -what this will cost her? - -_Lady Culverin._ My dear Mr. Blair, I--I'd no notion we were to lose -you so soon; but if you're really quite _sure_ you must go---- - -_Lady Cantire_ (_sharply_). Really, Albinia, we must give him credit -for knowing his own mind. He tells you he is _obliged to go_! - -_Lady Culverin._ Then of course we must let you do _exactly_ as you -please. - -_Pilliner_ (_to himself_). Lady Maisie's a little brick! No notion she -had it _in_ her. No occasion to bother myself about the beggar now. -"Let him alone and he'll go home, and carry his tail beneath him!" - - [_All except_ Miss SPELWANE _breathe more freely_; TREDWELL - _appears_. - -_Lady Culverin._ Oh, lunch, is it, Tredwell? Very well. By the bye, -see that some one packs Mr. Undershell's things for him, and tell them -to send the dog-cart round after lunch in time to catch the 3.15 from -Shuntingbridge. - -_Archie_ (_sotto voce, to_ PILLINER). We don't want any _more_ missin' -of trains, eh? I'll go round and see the cart properly balanced myself -_this_ time. - -_Pilliner_ (_in the same tone_). No, dear boy, you're not to be -trusted! _I'll_ see that done, then the bard and his train will be -alike in one respect--_neither_ of 'em 'll be missed! - -_Miss Spelwane_ (_to herself, piqued._) Going already! I wish I had -never touched his ridiculous snowdrops! - -_Lady Culverin._ Well, shall we go in to lunch, everybody? - - [_They move in irregular order towards the dining-hall._ - -_Undershell_ (_in an undertone to_ Lady MAISIE, _as they follow -last_). Lady Maisie, I--er--this is just a _little_ unexpected. I -confess I don't quite understand your precise motive in suggesting -so--so hasty a departure. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_without looking at him_). Don't you, Mr. Blair? -Perhaps--when you come to think over it all quietly--you _will_. - - [_She passes on, leaving him perplexed._ - - [Illustration: "PERHAPS--WHEN YOU COME TO THINK OVER IT ALL - QUIETLY--YOU WILL."] - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). Shall I? I certainly can't say I do -just---- Why, yes, I _do_! That bully Spurrell with his horsewhip! She -dreads an encounter between us--and I should much prefer to avoid it -myself. Yes; that's it, of course. She is willing to sacrifice -anything rather than endanger _my_ personal safety! What unselfish -angels some women are! Even that sneering fellow Drysdale will be -impressed when I tell him this.... Yes, it's best that I should go--I -see that now. I don't so much mind leaving. Without any false -humility, I can hardly avoid seeing that, even in the short time I -have been amongst these people, I have produced a decided impression. -And there is at least one--perhaps _two_--who will miss me when I am -gone. - - [_He goes into the Dining-hall, with restored complacency._ - - -THE END. - - -PRINTED BY WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED, LONDON AND BECCLES. - - - * * * * * - - -THE NOVEL SERIES. - - -This is a series of works, each in One Volume, by the best Writers of -the day, English and American. The Volumes are suitable for the pocket -and the shelf; they are convenient to handle, being of the square 16mo -size, while from their appearance, as well as from their literary -merit, they deserve a place in the library. The volumes are bound in -cloth, and are uniform, except in thickness and in price. The prices -will be 2s., 3s., and 4s. - - -Volume 1 of the Series, Price 2s. - -THE STORY OF BESSIE COSTRELL, - -By Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD. - - The CHRISTIAN WORLD.--"Mrs. Ward has done nothing finer than - this brief story. The sustained interest, which does not - permit the reader to miss a line; the vivid clearness in - which each character stands out in self-revelation; the - unfailing insight into the familiar and confused workings of - the village mind--all represent work of the highest class. - 'The Story of Bessie Costrell' will become an English - classic." - - The TIMES.--"There are masterly touches and striking - sentences in many pages of this little volume.... Mrs. - Humphry Ward's admirers will say that she has seldom written - with more force than in describing the tardy remorse of the - hard, unrelenting husband." - - The MANCHESTER GUARDIAN.--"As full of power as anything Mrs. - Ward has written, and the impetus of its style, together with - the charm belonging to many of its turns of thought, as well - as of phrase, would of themselves suffice to hold any reader - who takes it up until he has turned its last page." - - The DAILY TELEGRAPH.--"An admirable example of Mrs. Humphry - Ward's literary power; a brief, decided, and masterful - sketch." - - -Volume 2 of the Series, Price 3s. - -LYRE AND LANCET. By F. Anstey. - -_With Twenty-Four Full-page Illustrations._ - - The SCOTSMAN.--"The story makes most delightful reading, full - of quiet fun." - - -The titles and particulars of Works by - - HENRY SETON MERRIMAN, Author of "With Edged Tools," etc. - Mrs. L. B. 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Will his wife abandon him?--we ask - eagerly as we read and cannot cease reading till the puzzle is - solved in a series of exciting situations." - - -_POPULAR EDITION_, Crown 8vo, 6_s._ _CHEAP EDITION_, Crown 8vo, limp -red cloth, 2_s._ 6_d._ - -THE PARIAH. - - From THE SATURDAY REVIEW.--"In 'The Pariah' we are more than - ever struck by the sharp intuitive perception and the - satirical balancing of judgment which makes the author's - writings such extremely entertaining reading. There is not a - dull page--we might say, not a dull sentence--in it.... The - girls are delightfully drawn, especially the bewitching Margot - and the childish Lettice. Nothing that polish and finish, - cleverness, humour, wit, and sarcasm can give is left out." - - -_CHEAP EDITION_, Crown 8vo, limp red cloth, 2_s._ 6_d._ - -VICE VERSÂ; - -OR, A LESSON TO FATHERS. - - From THE SATURDAY REVIEW.--"If ever there was a book made up - from beginning to end of laughter, and yet not a comic book, - or a 'merry' book, or a book of jokes, or a book of pictures, - or a jest book, or a tomfool book, but a perfectly sober and - serious book, in the reading of which a sober man may laugh - without shame from beginning to end, it is the book called - 'Vice Versâ; or, a Lesson to Fathers.'... We close the book, - recommending it very earnestly to all fathers in the first - instance, and their sons, nephews, uncles, and male cousins - next." - - -_CHEAP EDITION_, Crown 8vo, limp red cloth, 2_s._ 6_d._ - -A FALLEN IDOL. - - From THE TIMES.--"Mr. Anstey's new story will delight the - multitudinous public that laughed over 'Vice Versâ'.... The - boy who brings the accursed image to Champion's house, Mr. - Bales, the artist's factotum, and above all Mr. Yarker, the - ex-butler who has turned policeman, are figures whom it is as - pleasant to meet as it is impossible to forget." - - -LONDON: SMITH, ELDER & CO., 15, WATERLOO PLACE. - - - * * * * * - - -Transcriber's Notes: - -Obvious typographical errors repaired. - -Hyphenation inconsistencies retained (booby trap and booby-trap). - -Illustrations have been re-positioned to the corresponding action in -the scene. - -Italic font is indicated by _underscores_ (text version only). - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Lyre and Lancet, by F. 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Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/41589-8.zip b/41589-8.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 6323315..0000000 --- a/41589-8.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/41589-h.zip b/41589-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index bfff214..0000000 --- a/41589-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/41589-h/41589-h.htm b/41589-h/41589-h.htm index 5d31650..848c20e 100644 --- a/41589-h/41589-h.htm +++ b/41589-h/41589-h.htm @@ -3,7 +3,7 @@ <html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> <head> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> <title> The Project Gutenberg eBook of Lyre and Lancet, by F. Anstey. @@ -139,49 +139,7 @@ ul li {list-style-type: none; </style> </head> <body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Lyre and Lancet, by F. Anstey - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Lyre and Lancet - A Story in Scenes - -Author: F. Anstey - -Release Date: December 9, 2012 [EBook #41589] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LYRE AND LANCET *** - - - - -Produced by David Clarke, JoAnn Greenwood, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) - - - - - - -</pre> - - - - +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41589 ***</div> <h1> <big>LYRE AND LANCET</big><br /> @@ -191,7 +149,7 @@ by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) <big>F. ANSTEY</big> <br /> AUTHOR OF<br /> -"VICE VERSÂ," "THE GIANT'S ROBE," "VOCES POPULI," ETC.</p> +"VICE VERSÂ," "THE GIANT'S ROBE," "VOCES POPULI," ETC.</p> <p class="center space-above">LONDON:<br /> SMITH, ELDER & CO., 15, WATERLOO PLACE.<br /> @@ -227,7 +185,7 @@ SMITH, ELDER & CO., 15, WATERLOO PLACE.<br /> <tr><td align="right">XI.</td><td align="left"><a href="#PART_XI"><span class="smcap">Time and the Hour</span></a></td><td align="right">109</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XII.</td><td align="left"><a href="#PART_XII"><span class="smcap">Dignity Under Difficulties</span></a></td><td align="right">119</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XIII.</td><td align="left"><a href="#PART_XIII"><span class="smcap">What's in a Name?</span></a></td><td align="right">130</td></tr> -<tr><td align="right">XIV.</td><td align="left"><a href="#PART_XIV"><span class="smcap"><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">Le Vétérinaire Malgré Lui</span></span></a></td><td align="right">141</td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XIV.</td><td align="left"><a href="#PART_XIV"><span class="smcap"><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">Le Vétérinaire Malgré Lui</span></span></a></td><td align="right">141</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XV.</td><td align="left"><a href="#PART_XV"><span class="smcap">Trapped!</span></a></td><td align="right">152</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XVI.</td><td align="left"><a href="#PART_XVI"><span class="smcap">An Intellectual Privilege</span></a></td><td align="right">163</td></tr> <tr><td align="right">XVII.</td><td align="left"><a href="#PART_XVII"><span class="smcap">A Bomb Shell</span></a></td><td align="right">174</td></tr> @@ -694,7 +652,7 @@ next poem. This is his idea of "Abasement."</p> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">"With matted head a-dabble in the dust,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And eyes tear-sealèd in a saline crust,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And eyes tear-sealèd in a saline crust,<br /></span> <span class="i0">I lie all loathly in my rags and rust—<br /></span> <span class="i0">Yet learn that strange delight may lurk in self-disgust."<br /></span> </div></div> @@ -762,7 +720,7 @@ tight, everybody!</p> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> <span class="i0">"Pale Patricians, sunk in self-indulgence, (One for <em>you</em>, dear Archie!)<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Blink your blearèd eyes. (Blink, pretty creatures, blink!) Behold the Sun—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Blink your blearèd eyes. (Blink, pretty creatures, blink!) Behold the Sun—<br /></span> <span class="i0">Burst proclaim, in purpurate effulgence,<br /></span> <span class="i2">Demos dawning, and the Darkness—done!"<br /></span> </div></div> @@ -1640,7 +1598,7 @@ with your ladyships, I mean!</p> heard such nonsense! Did you expect to be asked to run behind? You really mustn't be so ridiculously modest. As if your <i>Andromeda</i> hadn't procured you -the <i>entrée</i> everywhere!</p> +the <i>entrée</i> everywhere!</p> <p class="rdir hang">[<i>The omnibus starts.</i></p> @@ -2823,7 +2781,7 @@ thing that <em>I</em> value. I look <em>below</em> the surface, and I find a great deal that is very original and charming in this young man. And surely, my dear, if I find myself able to associate with him, <em>you</em> need not be so -fastidious! I consider him my <i>protégé</i>, and I won't +fastidious! I consider him my <i>protégé</i>, and I won't have him slighted. He is far too good for Vivien Spelwane!</p> @@ -3231,7 +3189,7 @@ to see that I've got some imagination in me, though she <em>does</em> think me such an ass. (<i>Aloud, to</i> Lady <span class="smcap">Maisie</span>.) Jolly old hall this is, with the banners, and the gallery, and that—makes you fancy some of -those old mediæval Johnnies in armour—knights, +those old mediæval Johnnies in armour—knights, you know—comin' clankin' in and turnin' us all out.</p> @@ -4169,7 +4127,7 @@ that they haven't even touched upstairs!</p> <p><i>M. Ridevos.</i> It is for zat I do not remmain! Zey 'ave not toch him; my pyramide, result of a genius -stupend, énorme! to zem he is nossing; zey retturn +stupend, énorme! to zem he is nossing; zey retturn him to crash me! To-morrow I demmand zat miladi accept my demission. <i lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">Ici je souffre trop!</i></p> @@ -4337,7 +4295,7 @@ is only too painfully recognisable</i>.</p> <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <h2><a name="PART_XIV" id="PART_XIV"></a>PART XIV<br /> -<small><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">LE VÉTÉRINAIRE MALGRÉ LUI</span></small></h2> +<small><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">LE VÉTÉRINAIRE MALGRÉ LUI</span></small></h2> <blockquote><p class="hang"><i>Outside the Stables at Wyvern.</i> <span class="smcap">Time</span>—<i>About</i> 10 <span class="smcap">P.M</span>.</p></blockquote> @@ -5548,7 +5506,7 @@ with deepening bewilderment and disgust</i>—</p> <span class="i12"><i>Mistress o' mine! or glamour it green</i>.<br /></span> <span class="i0">One last long kiss, ere I seek the fray ...<br /></span> <span class="i12"><i>Mistress o' mine! though I quit my sell</i>,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I would meet the foe i' the mad mêlée.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I would meet the foe i' the mad mêlée.<br /></span> <span class="i12"><i>Mistress o' mine! an' I were but well!</i>"<br /></span> </div></div> @@ -6597,7 +6555,7 @@ of us will be walking over to service presently, if you would like to——</p> <p><i>Undershell</i> (<i>outside—to himself</i>). And lose my -<i lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">tête-à-tête</i> with Lady Maisie! Not exactly! (<i>Aloud.</i>) +<i lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">tête-à -tête</i> with Lady Maisie! Not exactly! (<i>Aloud.</i>) I am afraid, Sir Rupert, that I cannot conscientiously——</p> <p><i>Sir Rupert</i> (<i>hastily</i>). Oh, very well, very well; @@ -7476,9 +7434,9 @@ unnecessary trouble.</p> <p><i>Undershell</i> (<i>detaining her, as she seemed about to pass on</i>). I have another piece of intelligence which you may hear less—er—philosophically, Lady Maisie. -Your <i>bête noire</i> has returned.</p> +Your <i>bête noire</i> has returned.</p> -<p><i>Lady Maisie</i> (<i>with lifted eyebrows</i>). My <i>bête noire</i>, +<p><i>Lady Maisie</i> (<i>with lifted eyebrows</i>). My <i>bête noire</i>, Mr. Blair?</p> <p><i>Undershell.</i> Why affect not to understand? I @@ -7830,7 +7788,7 @@ AND OTHER TALES.</p> <p>From THE SATURDAY REVIEW.—"A capital set of stories, thoroughly clever and witty, often pathetic, and always humorous."</p> -<p>From THE ATHENÆUM.—"The grimmest of mortals, in his most surly mood, +<p>From THE ATHENÆUM.—"The grimmest of mortals, in his most surly mood, could hardly resist the fun of 'The Talking Horse.'"</p> @@ -7862,7 +7820,7 @@ cleverness, humour, wit, and sarcasm can give is left out."</p> <p class="center space-above"><i>CHEAP EDITION</i>, Crown 8vo, limp red cloth, 2<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i></p> -<p class="center spaced">VICE VERSÂ;<br /> +<p class="center spaced">VICE VERSÂ;<br /> OR, A LESSON TO FATHERS.</p> @@ -7870,7 +7828,7 @@ OR, A LESSON TO FATHERS.</p> beginning to end of laughter, and yet not a comic book, or a 'merry' book, or a book of jokes, or a book of pictures, or a jest book, or a tomfool book, but a perfectly sober and serious book, in the reading of which a sober man may laugh without shame from -beginning to end, it is the book called 'Vice Versâ; or, a Lesson to Fathers.'... We +beginning to end, it is the book called 'Vice Versâ; or, a Lesson to Fathers.'... We close the book, recommending it very earnestly to all fathers in the first instance, and their sons, nephews, uncles, and male cousins next."</p> @@ -7880,7 +7838,7 @@ their sons, nephews, uncles, and male cousins next."</p> <p class="center spaced">A FALLEN IDOL.</p> <p>From THE TIMES.—"Mr. Anstey's new story will delight the multitudinous public -that laughed over 'Vice Versâ'.... The boy who brings the accursed image to +that laughed over 'Vice Versâ'.... The boy who brings the accursed image to Champion's house, Mr. Bales, the artist's factotum, and above all Mr. Yarker, the ex-butler who has turned policeman, are figures whom it is as pleasant to meet as it is impossible to forget."</p> @@ -7902,382 +7860,6 @@ the scene.</p> </div> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Lyre and Lancet, by F. 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