diff options
Diffstat (limited to '41507-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 41507-0.txt | 1451 |
1 files changed, 1451 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/41507-0.txt b/41507-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bce0ee5 --- /dev/null +++ b/41507-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1451 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41507 *** + +NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. + +BAKER'S EDITION OF PLAYS + + +Freezing a Mother-in-Law + + +WALTER H. BAKER & CO. +BOSTON + +COPYRIGHT, 1889, BY WALTER H. BAKER & CO. + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Words printed in italics are noted with underscores; _italics_. Words +printed in bold are noted with tildes; ~bold~. + + + + +Plays for Amateur Theatricals. + +BY GEORGE M. BAKER + +_Author of "Amateur Dramas," "The Mimic Stage," "The Social Stage," +"The Drawing-Room Stage," "Handy Dramas," "The Exhibition Dramas," "A +Baker's Dozen," etc._ + + ~Titles in this Type are New Plays.~ + + ~_Titles in this Type are Temperance Plays._~ + + +DRAMAS. + +_In Four Acts._ + +~Better than Gold.~ 7 male, 4 female char. 25 + + +_In Three Acts._ + +~Our Folks.~ 6 male, 5 female char. 15 + +~The Flower of the Family.~ 5 male, 3 female char. 15 + +ENLISTED FOR THE WAR. 7 male, 3 female char. 15 + +MY BROTHER'S KEEPER. 5 male, 3 female char. 15 + +~_The Little Brown Jug._~ 5 male, 3 female char. 15 + + +_In Two Acts._ + +~Above the Clouds.~ 7 male, 3 female char. 15 + +~One Hundred Years Ago.~ 7 male, 4 female char. 15 + +AMONG THE BREAKERS. 6 male, 4 female char. 15 + +BREAD ON THE WATERS. 5 male, 3 female char. 15 + +DOWN BY THE SEA. 6 male, 3 female char. 15 + +ONCE ON A TIME. 4 male, 2 female char. 15 + +~_The Last Loaf._~ 5 male, 3 female char. 15 + + +_In One Act._ + +STAND BY THE FLAG. 5 male char. 15 + +~_The Tempter._~ 3 male, 1 female char. 15 + + +COMEDIES AND FARCES. + +~A Mysterious Disappearance.~ 4 male, 3 female char. 15 + +~Paddle Your Own Canoe.~ 7 male, 3 female char. 15 + +~_A Drop too Much._~ 4 male, 2 female char. 15 + +~_A Little More Cider._~ 5 male, 3 female char. 15 + +A THORN AMONG THE ROSES. 2 male, 6 female char. 15 + +NEVER SAY DIE. 3 male, 3 female char. 15 + +SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 6 male, 3 female char. 15 + +THE BOSTON DIP. 4 male, 3 female char. 15 + +THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 6 male, 4 female char. 15 + +THIRTY MINUTES FOR REFRESHMENTS. 4 male, 3 female +char. 15 + +~_We're all Teetotalers._~ 4 male, 2 female char. 15 + + +_Male Characters Only._ + +A CLOSE SHAVE. 6 char. 15 + +A PUBLIC BENEFACTOR. 6 char. 15 + +A SEA OF TROUBLES. 8 char. 15 + +A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 7 char. 15 + +COALS OF FIRE. 6 char. 15 + +FREEDOM OF THE PRESS. 8 char. 15 + +~Shall Our Mothers Vote?~ 11 char. 15 + +GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY. 12 char. 15 + +HUMORS OF THE STRIKE. 8 char. 15 + +MY UNCLE THE CAPTAIN. 6 char. 15 + +NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 6 char. 15 + +THE GREAT ELIXIR. 9 char. 15 + +THE HYPOCHONDRIAC. 3 char. 15 + +~_The Man with the Demijohn._~ 4 char. 15 + +THE RUNAWAYS. 4 char. 15 + +THE THIEF OF TIME. 6 char. 15 + +WANTED, A MALE COOK. 4 char. 15 + + +_Female Characters Only._ + +A LOVE OF A BONNET. 5 char. 15 + +A PRECIOUS PICKLE. 6 char. 15 + +NO CURE NO PAY. 7 char. 15 + +THE CHAMPION OF HER SEX. 8 char. 15 + +THE GREATEST PLAGUE IN LIFE. 8 char. 15 + +THE GRECIAN BEND. 7 char. 15 + +THE RED CHIGNON. 6 char. 15 + +USING THE WEED. 7 char. 15 + + +ALLEGORIES. + +_Arranged for Music and Tableaux._ + +LIGHTHART'S PILGRIMAGE. 8 female char. 15 + +THE REVOLT OF THE BEES. 9 female char. 15 + +THE SCULPTOR'S TRIUMPH. 1 male, 4 female char. 15 + +THE TOURNAMENT OF IDYLCOURT. 10 female char. 15 + +THE WAR OF THE ROSES. 8 female char. 15 + +THE VOYAGE OF LIFE. 8 female char. 15 + + +MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC. + +AN ORIGINAL IDEA. 1 male, 1 female. 15 + +BONBONS; OR, THE PAINT KING. 6 male, 1 female char. 25 + +CAPULETTA; OR, ROMEO AND JULIET 15 RESTORED. 3 male, +1 female char. 15 + +SANTA CLAUS' FROLICS. 15 + +SNOW-BOUND; OR, ALONZO THE BRAVE AND THE FAIR IMOGENE. +3 male, 1 female char. 25 + +THE MERRY CHRISTMAS OF THE OLD WOMAN WHO LIVED IN A +SHOE. 15 + +THE PEDLER OF VERY NICE. 7 male char. 15 + +THE SEVEN AGES. A Tableau Entertainment. Numerous +male and female char. 15 + +TOO LATE FOR THIS TRAIN. 2 male char. 15 + +THE VISIONS OF FREEDOM. 11 female char. 15 + + +WALTER H. BAKER & CO., 23 Winter St., Boston. + + + + +FREEZING A MOTHER-IN-LAW + +OR + +SUSPENDED ANIMATION + +A Farce in One Act + + +BY + +T. E. PEMBERTON + + +BOSTON +Walter H. Baker & Co. +PUBLISHERS + + + + +CHARACTERS. + + + MR. WATMUFF _Attached to the past_ + FERDINAND SWIFT _His nephew, attached to fortune hunting_ + WALTER LITHERLAND _Attached to Emily Watmuff_ + MRS. WATMUFF _Attached to the memory of her parents_ + EMILY _Her daughter, attached to Walter Litherland_ + + * * * * * + +COSTUMES.--Modern and appropriate. + + + + +FREEZING A MOTHER-IN-LAW. + + +SCENE.--MR. WATMUFF'S _library_. _Entrances_, R. _and_ L. _At_ L.C. _a +door opening to a cupboard. At_ R. _table, with books and a bottle of +water on it. A screen stands close to door_, R. WALTER LITHERLAND _and_ +EMILY WATMUFF _discovered_. + + +EMILY. And so we must part forever! + +WALTER. For the thirteenth time, my darling, I must, in reply to that +remark of yours, say--I don't see why. + +EMILY. Ah! Walter, you do not know who rules this house. + +WALTER. I may be wrong, but I was always under the impression that your +mother did. + +EMILY. Ah! then you do know. I was afraid you would think that my poor +father was the master of it. + +WALTER. I know that the house is let to your father; but I confess, my +dearest, that I have observed that he has sub-let himself to your +respected mother. + +EMILY. And she has declared that she will _never_ give her consent to +our engagement. + +WALTER. But your father has given his, and that is a great point +gained. + +EMILY. It may be a great point, but it is a very useless one. Mamma +always has her own way. She pronounced her decision this morning, and +when you quit the house to-day orders will be given that you are never +allowed to enter it again. + +WALTER. Then clearly I must not quit it. I am a great believer in +diplomacy, Emily. To go at the present time directly against your +revered mother's will would be utterly to lose you; to lose you, my +darling, would be far more than to lose my life; therefore, I have +determined to humor your respected parent, until the fortunes of war +give me an opportunity of ingratiating myself with her. Hush! She +approaches. Now rely upon me, and in every way back me up. + + (_Enter_ MRS. WATMUFF, _door_ L.) + +MRS. W. (_glaring indignantly at_ WALTER). Still here, sir! I thought +that you had been instructed by my husband to quit these premises. + +WALTER. Madam, I am much to blame. That the wishes expressed, I am +sure, after mature deliberation, of Mr. Watmuff and yourself, have been +communicated to me, I cannot deny--and yet--I linger here. + +MRS. W. Linger no longer, sir; but obey our behest. + +WALTER. I am, madam, about to do so; but since this interview with my +dear Emily must be my last-- + +MRS. W. _Your_ dear Emily! By what right, sir, do you speak of my +daughter as _your_ dear Emily? + +EMILY. Because, mamma, I have consented-- + +MRS. W. How, girl! This to my face? To your chamber, miss. + +WALTER. Again, madam, I have to own myself in the wrong. It is _your_ +dear Emily to whom I have come to bid a long farewell. + +MRS. W. A short farewell, sir, is all that is necessary--and more than +I shall allow. My domestics will have instructions to remove you, +within five minutes, from this domain. What ho! there--cook and +serving-maid! + + (_Exit_ MRS. WATMUFF, _door_ L.) + +EMILY. Walter, surely you do not mean to give me up! + +WALTER. My darling, do you--can you--doubt me? I shall never give you +up; but I am convinced that our only course is to temporize. Your +mother is, to say the least of it, arbitrary; but does she not give me +a glorious chance of proving the strength of my affection for you? + +EMILY. How, dearest? + +WALTER. I am prepared to marry you, my darling, even during her +lifetime. + + (_Enter_ MR. WATMUFF, _door_ R.) + +EMILY. Oh, papa, I am in sad trouble. Mamma still withholds her +consent. + +MR. W. My dear child, your mother, with the exception of her tongue, +has a habit of withholding everything. + +EMILY. And she has ordered Walter to quit the house. + +MR. W. Well, my dear, beyond a not unnatural feeling of envy for +Walter, I don't feel that I can express any sentiment on the subject. I +have given my consent. + +EMILY. But of what use is it? + +MR. W. Not much, my dear, I must own. But I thought you might derive +some comfort from it. + +EMILY. Do you know that mamma is now giving orders to the cook and +housemaid to remove poor Walter by force? + +MR. W. My dear child, it is, I must admit, an extreme measure. But what +can I do? + +EMILY. You ought not to brook such treatment. + +MR. W. Dearest love, I don't know that I do brook it; because I never +mastered the full meaning of that word. But even if I did, how can I +unbrook it? + +WALTER. My dear sir, I think I comprehend your position better than +poor Emily does; and, indeed, I have been trying to persuade her that +our better plan is to yield to the storm until it has passed. We must +remember the old fable of the oak and the willow. + +MR. W. It has been Mrs. Watmuff's good fortune to dwell in a perfect +grove of willows since the day of her birth. I confess that I have +yielded so long that I am limp with yielding. + +WALTER. And I mean to yield only so far as to retain strength for a +final spring, and a final growth in a right and firm direction. Come, +Emily, be guided by me, and I promise you all shall be well. If I +remain here a moment longer I fear the storm may burst, and at present +we are both too oak-like to stand it. + + (_Exeunt_ EMILY _and_ WALTER, _door_ R.) + +MR. W. That's a remarkably sanguine young man; but, then, he's at the +sanguine time of life. I was sanguine myself once--remarkably sanguine; +and then I married Mrs. Watmuff--or, rather, I should say, she married +me. I believe that there is a ceremony which, in polite language, is +termed asking the dearly-beloved object of your affections "the +momentous question," and in vulgar parlance is called "popping the +question." I may honestly say that I neither popped nor momented. +Looking back on a long vista of years, I cannot for the life of me +remember any period when I was engaged; I only remember being free, and +being--well--married. Marriages, they say, are made in Heaven. I don't +want to be irreverent, but sometimes I can't help wishing that Heaven +had left me, as the charity cards say, "totally unprovided for." But my +provision approaches. + + (_Enter_ MRS. WATMUFF, _door_ L.) + +MRS. W. (_sits_ L.). So, Mr. Watmuff, I find you alone. I am fortunate. +Sit down, sit down, sir. I repeat, I am fortunate. + +MR. W. (_sits_, R.). My dear, I am very glad to hear it. Fortune, they +say, favors the-- + +MRS. W. A truce, sir, to ribaldry. The time has come when a definite +understanding should exist between us. + +MR. W. My dear, so far as I am concerned, a _very_ definite +understanding has existed for a very long time. + +MRS. W. Peace, vain scoffer! and hear me. Our daughter, Mr. Watmuff, is +of an age to wed. + +MR. W. My love, I am given to understand that she also is of that +opinion. + +MRS. W. And of this crisis in the life of our only child you make an +opportunity to fly in my face. + +MR. W. Do I, my dear? I was not aware of it. + +MRS. W. Do you not directly encourage the advances of a suitor who is +to me in every way distasteful? + +MR. W. But, my love, on what grounds? On what grounds? + +MRS. W. Grounds, Mr. Watmuff--grounds! You speak of your daughter as +though she were so much coffee. Is it not enough that I object to the +addresses of this young upstart? + +MR. W. My dear, it is quite enough. I may say that it is more than +enough. But what was I to do? I always liked Walter. You know that I +dote on Emily. They come to me, tell me that they love each other, and +ask for my blessing. I happen to have a blessing by me, and I give it +them. + +MRS. W. And without a thought of me--_me_, the partner of your joys and +sorrows--_me_, the ruling spirit of your existence. You have no right +to dispose of a blessing of your own, Mr. Watmuff--you have not got +one. Such a blessing is a curse. + +MR. W. Well, my love, whatever it is, they've got it, and they seem to +like it, so far, well enough. But-- + +MRS. W. A truce--a truce, I say. + +MR. W. A truce, by all means; but as for Walter Litherland-- + +MRS. W. Walter Litherland never marries daughter of mine, Mr. Watmuff. +It is enough. I have said it. I married to gratify my parents. Emily +will marry to gratify me. + +MR. W. My love, may I, with all deference, venture to remind you that +your respected and beloved parents were, when I first had the pleasure +of making your acquaintance, what may be called "no more." + +MRS. W. Silence, mocker of the dead. They had gone to their reward. But +I lived to obey their wishes. + +MR. W. Oh, and was _I_ one of them? + +MRS. W. In the abstract, yes. What did I find you? + +MR. W. My dear, don't allude to that. You did not find me much; but I +am not an avaricious man, and as I said at the time, what I looked for +in a wife was not so much money as-- + +MRS. W. Sordid one! Ever thinking of your worldly goods. When I ask, +what did I find you? I allude to your moral condition. You were a +smoker of tobacco. Do you deny it? + +MR. W. (_regretfully_). I used to enjoy a cigar. + +MRS. W. You were a bibber of wine. Was it not so? + +MR. W. (_regretfully_). A glass of port now and then was very pleasant +to me. + +MRS. W. It was such as _you_ that my parents hated. It was such as +_you_ they loved to reform. It is the custom of some to erect to the +memory of their parents costly monuments of marble, and gaudy windows +of perishable glass. _I_ erected _you_. Say, have I altered you? Do you +smoke now? + +MR. W. (_very mournfully_). I do not. + +MRS. W. Where is your cellar of port? + +MR. W. In my cellar. It has remained there, my love, since, twenty +years ago, you appropriated the key; and (_with a groan_) it must be in +very fine condition. + +MRS. W. Ay! you can still think of the condition of your port; lucky +for you that I have thought of _your_ condition. You are a mausoleum, +Mr. Watmuff, of which my parents may feel justly proud. Their tomb will +not be neglected during the lifetime of their daughter. My decision +with regard to Walter Litherland is one more _immortelle_ woven, by +loving hands to their memory. You are a mausoleum, Mr. Watmuff. (_Exit_ +MRS. WATMUFF, _door_ L.) + +MR. W. A mausoleum, am I? I wish they'd put a railing round me then, +and keep me isolated. I'm always being railed at. Why, if I'm regarded +from that point of view, can't I be railed in? I haven't the privileges +of a family vault. I'm only a common grave, walked over and trampled on +by everybody. It's too bad. It would be rough enough on a grave, but on +flesh and blood it's outrageous. And when I think of that cellar of +port, d--d if I don't wish I was buried--with it. How crusty it must be +now! As crusty, I expect, as I ought to be if I only dared to show my +teeth. + + (_Enter_ FERDINAND SWIFT, _door_ R.) + +MR. W. Ferdinand, can I believe my eyes? My dear nephew, I thought you +were in America. + +FER. America twelve days ago--England to-day--this my first call; glad +to see you, uncle. + +MR. W. And I'm glad to see you, my boy. (_They shake hands heartily._) +But why have you returned so soon, Ferdinand? I thought you would +remain in America until you had made your mark. + +FER. My dear uncle, I _have_ made it. If marks were now, as they were +once, the current coin of the realm, you'd find I'd made a considerable +number. + +MR. W. My dear boy, I'm very glad to hear it. I always said you would +do well. Tell me all about it. + + (_Enter_ WALTER LITHERLAND, _door_ R.) + +WALTER. Mr. Watmuff, might I crave one moment?--(_seeing_ SWIFT)--Oh! I +beg your pardon, sir; I see you are engaged. + +MR. W. Not at all, not at all. Ferdinand, you must let me introduce to +you my friend, Walter Litherland. Walter, this is my nephew, Ferdinand +Swift, just returned from America, having made his fortune. + +WALTER. I am very glad to hear it. I must congratulate you, sir. + +FER. Not at all. Very glad, indeed, to know you. Friend of the family, +must, of course, be a friend of mine. + +MR. W. Quite right, quite right. I must tell you, Ferdinand, that +Walter is attached to Emily. + +FER. Very sensible man. Very pleasant and appropriate thing, I should +say. + +WALTER. You are very good. I wish that all the members of your family +were of the same opinion. + +FER. What! you don't mean to say that my venerable uncle (_all +seated_)-- + +WALTER. Mr. Watmuff is kindness itself; but I regret to say that your +aunt-- + +FER. Not a word, Walter, not a word. I very much regret that she _is_ +my aunt; I've regretted it for years; but I've lived her down, and you +must live her down. She's one of those women that want living down. + +MR. W. But you were going to tell me about your fortune, Ferdinand. + +WALTER. Perhaps Mr. Swift would like me to withdraw-- + +FER. Not at all; not in the least. You're one of the family, and as I +shall leave all my money _to_ the family, you may as well hear about +it. Have a cigar? (_Offers cigar-case to_ LITHERLAND.) + +WALTER (_taking one_). Thank you. + +FER. Uncle? + +MR. W. (_taking one_). Thanks, Ferdinand; yes, I--(MRS. WATMUFF'S +_voice heard without: "What ho! there, Emily! Come hither, girl._" MR. +WATMUFF _drops his cigar_.) My dear Ferdinand, I forgot your aunt, She +does not like the smell of smoke. In fact, if you don't mind, I think +we had better not smoke at present. + +FER. Certainly not. My aunt, is, after all, one of the family, and by +another member of it family prejudices ought to be observed. + +MR. W. (_relieved_). What a good fellow you are, Ferdinand! You deserve +a fortune. Now tell us how you have made it. + +WALTER. You have made me very curious, sir; for a fortune is just the +thing which I want to make. + +FER. My dear sir, it is merely a question of time and tact, and the +greater the tact the less need for time. Mine is a pure case of tact. + +WALTER. I trust the fortune is intact. + +FER. Well, no, it isn't; because it is what you may call _in futuro_. +It's got to be made yet; but in more ways than one it's a dead +certainty. + +MR. W. (_who during this conversation keeps on pinching his cigar, +smelling it, and otherwise indicating how he would like to smoke it_). +It isn't anything to do with mausoleums, is it? + +FER. Mausoleums? No. What put that into your head? + +MR. W. I thought, perhaps, your aunt, finding me too much for herself, +might have determined to float me into a company, and had put you on to +promote me. All right. Go on, Ferdinand. + + (_Business with cigar._ MR. WATMUFF _is about to light it, when_ + MRS. WATMUFF _speaks outside. He burns his mouth, etc., ad lib._) + +FER. Well, I've made an important discovery. + +MR. W. Bravo, Ferdinand! + +WALTER. An inventor? Sir, I congratulate you. + +FER. Well, perhaps I ought to say that I've made an important discovery +that another fellow has made an important discovery. All the States are +wild about it; and, as he was an intimate friend of mine, and always +said he would like to do me a good turn, I, without bothering him about +it, noted down the particulars and came over to England to introduce it +as _my_ discovery. + +WALTER. How will he like that? + +FER. Probably not at all. But inventors and discoverers are +proverbially discontented and disappointed men, and he mustn't fight +with destiny. + +MR. W. But what is it? + +FER. Frost. + +MR. W. and WALTER. Frost? + +FER. Exactly. Frost. Frost applied to freezing. Of course you know that +a lot of American meat is now shipped to England. Much cheaper meat +than English meat, and, consequently, big fortunes to be made out of +the process. But it isn't altogether satisfactory, because it's +difficult to preserve the meat during the voyage. Goes bad, you know; +gets high, and that sort of thing. + +WALTER. High in price, do you mean? + +FER. Well, a little bit in that way, perhaps; but decidedly high in +another. Very good. To the speculative American mind it becomes, +therefore, a matter for conjecture, how is such evil to be overcome? An +American with more than usually speculative and powerful mind gets over +the difficulty. Frost. + +MR. W. Frost? + +FER. Frost. Liquid discovered which, injected into the ear of animal, +freezes him _pro tem._, and suspends the beggars animation for as long +as you please. Freeze and suspend your animal in America,--unfreeze him +in England by simple process of another liquid, and a warm bath,--he +lives again,--you kill him,--and get fresh meat. Important to every man +who keeps horse, cow, sheep, or pig,--_vide_ advertisement of company, +whose motto is, "Not lost, but gone before." (_All rise._) + +WALTER. That hardly strikes me as appropriate, because under the old +system the meat usually was "gone" before-- + +FER. Before reaching destination. Good. Motto must be altered. + +MR. W. But, Ferdinand, surely you are not going into the meat trade? + +FER. Certainly not. Mark the small mind. Can't see further than the +bare facts stated in preliminary prospectus. My view is to adapt the +discovery to the human being. + +MR. W. Impossible! And what would be the good of it? + +FER. (_taking their arms and walking up and down_). Quite possible, and +the good of it simply incalculable. Father of family finds things +bad,--freezes, or suspends animation of family, and puts them on +shelves until times mend. Man thinks he ought to give up horses, but +doesn't like to sell old favorites,--freezes, or suspends their +animation till price of hay and corn comes down, and things generally +go up. Man has wife who makes things unpleasant at home,--freezes or +suspends his animation till she comes round. + +WALTER. There is hardly novelty in that notion. Men before now have, +under such circumstances, suspended themselves. + +FER. With a rope. Yes. But how much better is my plan! A few drops of +this colorless liquid (_producing bottle_) injected into lobe of ear of +patient will freeze, or suspend animation of patient, during will of +practitioner. Remedy, few drops of another liquid injected into lobe of +other ear, and warm bath. + +MR. W. Upon my soul, it's a grand idea. + +WALTER. The great difficulty which you will have to deal with will be +to get some one to submit himself to the experiment. + +FER. Walter, you're a sharp fellow. You've hit the right nail on the +head. That _is_ the difficulty. It is really astounding how blind and +how selfish people are in advancing the interests of science. In the +States they can't get a soul to try it, and they've got to wait for the +first felon. + +MR. W. The first felon? + +FER. Yes. First man condemned to death, you know. Then they'll give him +his choice--suspend his animation either by rope or patent freezing +mixture. If he recovers from the latter, give him his life and liberty. + +WALTER. Then you admit that there is a certain amount of risk attached +to the experiment? + +FER. I admit nothing of the sort. There isn't the least risk. + +WALTER. Then why do not _you_ submit yourself to the ordeal? + +FER. Damme, sir, don't you understand that as the proprietor of the +patent I couldn't safely show any one how to bring me to life again? +There's only one man could do it, and that's the American inventor; and +he's such a devilish grasping fellow that when he hears I've brought +the thing over here without consulting him, he'd be capable of keeping +me suspended indefinitely. + +MR. W. Then how do you mean to proceed? + +FER. Oh! look out for a felon. England is the best field for that sort +of thing, and that's why I came over here. I'm not going to ask any +more private individuals. I'm sick of it, and won't give myself the +pain of receiving any more refusals. I confess I've buoyed myself up +with the hope that I should find a felon in my own family, which would +make things easy and pleasant for me. Is there one, uncle? I said +good-by to a lot of cousins who promised well in that direction. + +MR. W. No, Ferdinand, there isn't one. + +FER. Hard lines, because there must be one soon. + +WALTER. But, failing a felon, what shall you do? + +FER. I see only one course open--I must marry, and freeze my wife. + +WALTER. You would have sufficient confidence in the project, sir, to +try the experiment on your wife? + +FER. Damme, sir, that's my difficulty. I should have to bring her round +again to prove the success of the discovery; and I've a perfect horror +of matrimony. + +MR. W. Upon my soul, you know, this strikes me as being exceedingly +interesting, and I really think that some one ought, in the cause of +humanity, to come forward and submit himself to the experiment. + +FER. My dear uncle, you charm me. You evidently mean to place yourself +in the light of the felon of the family whom I hoped to find; and, +considering that you are not a felon, I really take it very kindly. +When shall I inject-- + +MR. W. No, no, Ferdinand; don't misunderstand me. As a man, and as a +father, I don't feel justified in suspending my animation even for a +minute. No one knows what might happen during that minute; it might be +necessary to realize an investment, or to indorse a check, or,--in +fact, I couldn't forgive myself if anything went wrong while I was +indulging in the mere gratification of a whim. But it has struck me +that your aunt-- + +FER. My aunt! We couldn't hit on a better subject. I should inject my +fluid into the lobe of the right ear; I should light a cigar, and, by +the time the cigar was finished, I should think of injecting the other +fluid into the lobe of the left ear, and of resuscitating the patient. + +MR. W. (_excitedly_). Oh, you would light a cigar, would you? + +FER. Well, yes, I think so. + +MR. W. And naturally you would ask me to smoke with you? + +FER. Well, yes, naturally. + +MR. W. (_earnestly_). Ferdinand, do you like a glass of good wine with +a cigar? + +FER. Well, naturally, yes. + +MR. W. Ferdinand, I feel that it is my duty to help you in this worthy +enterprise. I have explained why I cannot myself become a subject for +your experiments; but I do think that your aunt-- + +FER. My dear uncle, do you think you could induce her-- + +MR. W. For Heaven's sake, do not talk of inducement, or you will spoil +all. I say advisedly _all_. It must be done by compulsion, or say +rather, tact. + +FER. Certainly, uncle, say rather, tact. Only tell me how to show tact. + +MR. W. (_hurriedly_). Listen. Your aunt has lately, to do her justice, +suffered from neuralgia. In common with the majority of her sex, she is +willing to try any absurd remedy which is suggested to her. Tell her +that a drop of your fluid injected into the lobe of the right ear will +cure neuralgia, and she will take it like a lamb. + +FER. Best of uncles, this is glorious. How shall I thank you? + +MR. W. I only make _one_ condition. + +FER. And that is? + +MR. W. Don't unsuspend her until the smell of our--I mean _your_ cigar, +has passed off. + +FER. I give you my word. + +MR. W. And remember, I am only induced to make this temporary sacrifice +of my own happiness in the interests of science. + +FER. And of your nephew? + +MR. W. Ferdinand, I promised your mother that I would always do what I +could to further your interests. Let us go and find my wife. + + (_Exeunt_ FERDINAND _and_ MR. WATMUFF, _door_ R.) + +WALTER. That seems to be a very enterprising and pushing young +gentleman, and one likely to make his way in the world. But what a +shocking old villain my future father-in-law turns out to be! He really +seems to relish the idea of performing this awful experiment on his +unfortunate wife. She may be a trying woman, but she doesn't deserve to +run such a risk as this. Now what am I to do? Clearly I can't be an +accomplice in a thing of this sort. Freezing my mother-in-law! And +equally clearly I must put a stop to it; but the difficulty is, how am +I to do it without offending old Mr. Watmuff, who is my only friend in +the house? (_Notices that_ SWIFT _has left his bottle on table_.) Ah! +an idea strikes me; if I could only have a moment with Mrs. Watmuff I +might tell her, and so ingratiate myself with her. + + (_Enter_ MRS. WATMUFF, _door_ L.) + +MRS. W. Still here, sir? Was not my mandate sufficiently clear to you? + +WALTER. My dear Mrs. Watmuff, I am indeed lucky thus to meet you at +this moment, and we may both be thankful that I did not leave the house +when you told me. + +MRS. W. How, sir? I do not comprehend you. You speak in parables. + +WALTER. I speak in great haste, madam, and I beg of you to listen to +me. Every moment is of vital importance, and I do not hesitate to say +that your life may depend on hearing me. + +MRS. W. My life, sir? I do not dread death, young man. My parents +dreaded it not. It came, and they accepted it; and so in due season +shall I accept it. + +WALTER. But, Mrs. Watmuff, it may come to you in very undue season. To +be brief with you, I have discovered that at this very moment, in this +very house, a horrible plot is being concocted which may cost you your +life. + +MRS. W. A plot! How say you? And who, then, are the conspirators? + +WALTER. You have a nephew named Ferdinand Swift-- + +MRS. W. A hare-brained adventurer. He is in the other hemisphere. + +WALTER. He has returned, and is in this house. He has brought with him +some wild American invention with which he proposes to make his +fortune. Do you see this bottle? + +MRS. W. I observe a phial, sir. + +WALTER. This bottle contains a fluid which will, so says your nephew, +if injected into the ear, freeze or suspend the animation of the +subject so operated on, until another fluid, injected into the other +ear, restores life. The difficulty is to persuade any one to submit +himself to so hazardous an experiment; but he has so excited the +curiosity of Mr. Watmuff, that he has consented that _you_ should be +subjected-- + +MRS. W. _He_ has consented? I gather, sir, that my consent would also +be necessary. + +WALTER. Here comes the base part of it. You are not to be told. Swift +is to suggest that you should use his precious fluid as a remedy for +neuralgia. For Heaven's sake, refuse to use it, for any one who does +would do so at the peril of his life. Good-by, madam. I believe that my +warning is a timely one, and I am thankful to be the means of rendering +you this small service. + + (_Exit door_, R., WALTER LITHERLAND, _who immediately returns and + hides behind screen, unnoticed by_ MRS. WATMUFF.) + +MRS. W. A timely warning, truly! I feel as one in a trance. I have long +doubted the fidelity of Mr. Watmuff,--I have long understood the +duplicity of his character,--but I had not thought him capable of such +vile machinations as these. Cold-blooded miscreants!--they would +suspend my animation, would they? Oh, Mr. Watmuff, you must be read a +bitter lesson for this. It will be hard for me to take a part in a +masquerade, but the memory of my parents demands this _immortelle_ from +me. (_Takes up the bottle, empties it of its contents, and fills it up +from a bottle of water which is on table._) Yes, I will affect to be +deceived by your blandishments, and you shall think that you have +succeeded in your most vile purpose. Shades of my parents, hover near +me, and protect your daughter in the Juliet-like ordeal through which +she is about to pass! + + (_Enter_ MR. WATMUFF _and_ FERDINAND SWIFT, _door_ R.) + +MR. W. Oh, there you are, my dear. I've been looking for you +everywhere. I wanted to tell you Ferdinand Swift had unexpectedly +arrived in England. + +FER. And I need hardly say, my dear aunt, that my first desire was to +come and pay my respects to you. + +MRS. W. You are welcome, nephew. + +MR. W. I think you'll say that again, my dear, when you hear of what +Ferdinand has brought with him. You must know that he is the bearer to +England of, and is about to introduce to this country, a most +extraordinary remedy--for what do you think? + +MRS. W. How should I hazard a conjecture, Mr. Watmuff? + +MR. W. For neuralgia! There! isn't that good news? + +MRS. W. It would, indeed, be a boon, could some efficacious specific be +found to war with that most terrible disorder. + +FER. My dear aunt, it has been found. It may seem a curious thing to +say, but, when I inquired after your health--which, of course, I did +the moment I came into the house--and my uncle told me that you +suffered from neuralgia, I was positively _glad_ to know that I could +be the happy means of at once and permanently relieving you from all +pain. + +MRS. W. If what you say is true, nephew, you will be a benefactor to +suffering humanity. You should deem yourself very fortunate to be such +an instrument. + +FER. My dear aunt, I do think myself fortunate. To be running about +from morning to night, as I am, continually relieving my fellow +creatures from the excruciating pangs of neuralgia, makes life one long +summer's day of happiness. It makes me so light-hearted that I'm always +singing, or humming, or whistling, and so I'm known among my friends as +the musical instrument. + +MRS. W. And what, may I ask, is your remedy? + +FER. The simplest thing in the world. You take--(_feeling in his pocket +for bottle_)--Hullo! By Jove!--(_seeing bottle on table_)--Ah! yes, to +be sure, I left it here. You take two or three drops of this colorless +fluid, make the smallest of punctures in the lobe of the right ear, +inject it, and the pain goes as if by magic. If you are suffering now, +aunt-- + +MRS. W. I am always suffering. + +FER. Then let me try. + +MR. W. Yes, my dear. Let Ferdinand try. + +MRS. W. It is your _wish_ that I should do so, Mr. Watmuff? + +MR. W. My dear, of course it is. I would give anything to see you free +from pain. + +MRS. W. It is enough; my husband's wish is law to me. (TO FERDINAND.) +Apply your remedy, sir. + +FER. With pleasure. (_Brings down large easy-chair._) + +WALTER (_aside, appearing from behind screen at back_). I am glad I +made up my mind to see through this. Upon my soul, I'm beginning to +admire Mrs. Watmuff. What ruffians these men are! + +FER. Now, my dear aunt, sit in this chair, and lean back. You will soon +be free from pain. + +MR. W. Yes, my love, do just as Ferdinand tells you, and you will soon +be free from pain. + +FER. (_operating_). All that you will feel is one sharp prick in the +lobe of the ear,--there,--I haven't even drawn blood. Now for the +bottle. + + (_As the water is applied_, MRS. WATMUFF _becomes gradually stiff + and rigid; finally her eyes close, her hands drop, and she + appears to be lifeless_.) + +FER. Pretty process, isn't it? + +MR. W. Beautiful! How calm she is! I never saw her calmer. + +FER. No; and I don't suppose you ever will again. + +MR. W. Ferdinand, I wouldn't have her hear me for the world, but I have +an awful time of it with this woman. + +FER. I don't doubt you. I've always considered my aunt as the most +unpleasant person of my acquaintance. (_Lights a cigar._) Smoke, uncle? + +MR. W. Thanks, Ferdinand. (_Lights cigar._) Ah! That's real enjoyment. +That's the first cigar I've smoked since I married your aunt. She never +would let me. Would it bring her to if I blew some smoke in her face, +Ferdinand? + +FER. Not at all. Only the infallible mixture will restore her. + +MR. W. (_blows smoke of cigar into_ MRS. WATMUFF'S _face_). There! +There! There! There! That's done me a lot of good, Ferdinand, and now +we'll have a glass of wine. (_Puts his hand into_ MRS. WATMUFF'S +_pocket and produces key_.) She pocketed the cellar key on our +wedding-day, Ferdinand, and has kept it ever since; but, by Gad, I'll +have a duplicate made now. + +FER. Quite right; but before you get the wine, let's put the old woman +away somewhere. In the first place, she isn't a pleasant sight; and, in +the second place, if any one came in they might be startled. Where +shall she go? + +MR. W. (_pointing to cupboard_). I should like to put her in the +coal-hole. Would that cupboard do? + +FER. The very thing. Lend me a hand with her. You must do this part of +the business carefully,--that's the one objection to the process. A +frozen body like this would break to pieces if you dropped it, and you +don't want that. + +MR. W. I don't see why I shouldn't--she's often boasted of having +broken me. + + (_They carry_ MRS. WATMUFF _into cupboard, and close the door on + her_.) + +MR. W. And now come, Ferdinand, and give me a light in the cellar. + + (_Exit_ FERDINAND SWIFT _and_ MR. WATMUFF, _door_ R.) + +MRS. W. (_appearing at door of cupboard_). Varlets! Varlets! I say. Oh, +that the spirits of my parents should witness this day! For some wives +it is ordained that their husbands shall, so to speak, fly in their +faces,--my most miserable husband has _smoked_ in mine! Bitterly shall +he rue it. My thanks are indeed due to that worthy young man, whom I +fear I have misjudged, who apprised me of my danger; otherwise I might +now be a stark and frozen body. By keeping open the door of this +cupboard I can hear all that goes on, and I shall be an interested +witness of the junketings which will now take place. (_Retires into +cupboard._) + +WALTER (_appearing cautiously from behind screen_). Fortune favors me. +This is glorious! She already thinks she has misjudged me. Emily, my +darling, I foresee that you will be mine. (_Crosses and goes off, door_ +L.) + + (_Enter_, _door_ R., MR. WATMUFF, _and_ FERDINAND SWIFT, _each + carrying a decanter of wine; both are smoking_.) + +MR. W. Aha! The coast is clear. + +FER. (_filling a glass of wine and "eying" it_). And so is the wine. +(_Drinks._) + +MR. W. Put the bottles on this table, Ferdinand, and bring two chairs. +Now we will try and make the best of things until we have your dear +aunt with us again. (_Drinks._) It _is_ a good glass of wine,--isn't +it, Ferdinand? + +FER. Excellent. Does every credit to your judgment. + +MR. W. Ah! you were almost a baby when I laid it down, Ferdinand, and +it's never been disturbed. I can assure you, my dear boy, I've passed +whole days in picturing to myself its condition, and wondering who +would be lucky enough to drink it. This is really a wonderful discovery +of yours. You see, your aunt-- + +FER. Oh, I know. Have another cigar? + +MR. W. Thank you, Ferdinand, I don't mind if I do. It's a sin to smoke +with such good wine as this; but, you see, I must make hay while the +sun shines. The fact is, your aunt-- + +FER. Don't speak of it, uncle--don't speak of it. I quite understand +it; but, after all, you're not the only man with a skeleton in the +cupboard. + +MR. W. A skeleton! Aha! If she only was, Ferdinand--if she only was. +(_Drinks another glass of wine._) + +FER. My dear uncle, if you talk in that wild and heartless way I shall +begin to think that you take quite another view of the objects of my +experiment. (_Drinks._) + +MR. W. Not at all, not at all; but I must confess that it's pleasant to +have things quiet like this. (_Drinks._) + +FER. It's quite evident you appreciate it. Well, I must say your tone +rather relieves me. I am delighted with the success of the first part +of my experiment. She went off beautifully. Now if the second part +should go wrong, and I don't succeed in pulling her together again, I +can see you won't so much mind. + +MR. W. My dear Ferdinand, don't speak in that horrible way. Surely, you +have no doubts? + +FER. Well, of course, I'm like all experimentalists; I may fail. You'll +please to bear in mind that I was very particular in getting your +consent before I made the venture. + +MR. W. Venture! Fail! What do you mean? I certainly gave my consent, +but you said it was a "dead" certainty. + +FER. And so it will be, in one way or the other, a dead certainty. + +MR. W. Great Heaven! Then do you mean to tell me that you think it +possible that you may be unable to thaw my wife? + +FER. Well, yes, it's on the cards. + +MR. W. You're very cool over it. + +FER. So's she; that's the beauty of the system. + +MR. W. But what shall I do? + +FER. Keep her frozen, and finish your wine. Bless your soul, uncle, +I'll see you through it. + +MR. W. Yes, yes, Ferdinand, you will, I am sure of it. If there should +be any trouble, you'll see me through it. + +FER. Oh, I didn't mean that--I meant I'd see you through your wine. +Your health, uncle. (_Drinks._) + +MR. W. Ferdinand, in Heaven's name, do not trifle with such a subject +as this. Have you reflected what, if anything happened to your aunt, +_I_ should be? + +FER. The very man I want--the first felon. I should immediately apply +to the State for permission to continue my researches. + +MR. W. Ferdinand, for pity's sake, keep me in suspense no longer. +Produce your remedy. Where, oh, where is your antidote? + +FER. (_mockingly_). Where, oh, where is my doting aunty? Ha! ha! pretty +play upon words, isn't it? Have another glass of wine. (Drinks.) + +MR. W. No more wine for me. I have drunk my last glass of wine, and I +have smoked my last cigar. Never did I anticipate such horrors as now +consume me. Ferdinand, if you have any pity for an old man-- + +FER. My dear uncle, I can see I'm going too far. You shouldn't give me +such good wine, and so develop my propensities for practical joking. +We'll thaw the old woman at once. + +MR. W. My dear boy, how you relieve me! Yes, at once--at once. Never +mind the smell of smoke and the decanters. Compared to my present +feelings, her abuse will be a perfect treat. + +FER. (_feeling his pockets_). Hullo! + +MR. W. What's the matter? + +FER. Well, don't be alarmed; but I seem to have mislaid the other +bottle. + +MR. W. Not the antidote? + +FER. Well, yes. Don't agitate yourself; but I can't find it. + +MR. W. For God's sake, Ferdinand, keep yourself cool, and think. My +unfortunate wife's life, and for the matter of that mine, depends upon +you. Think; where have you put it? + +FER. I don't know. Of course I thought I put it in my pocket; but it +isn't there. + +MR. W. Miserable young man! what have you done? Where is it? + +FER. Well, if I haven't left it at the hotel where I stayed last +night-- + +MR. W. Yes; if you haven't left it there? + +FER. Why, I must have left it in America. + +MR. W. In America? Then all is lost. + +FER. No, it isn't. Now calm yourself, uncle. I must confess that I've +got you into a bit of a mess, but it's all in the interests of science, +you know. I'll go to the hotel at once, and try and find my bottle. If +it isn't there, I'll give up all my prospects in England, and travel to +America as quickly as I can, and come back as quickly as I can, with +another bottle. + +MR. W. And in the mean time, what am I to do? + +FER. Oh, your duty is quite clear. You must take care of the body. And +I'd advise you to be devilish cautious that no one catches sight of it. +Who can tell how you might be misunderstood? + +MR. W. Ferdinand, you are driving me mad. Do you mean to say that while +you are taking a journey to America and returning, I am to remain here +keeping guard over your poor aunt's body? + +FER. My dear uncle, be a philosopher. As you very properly said just +now, there is a skeleton in every man's cupboard. + +MR. W. Damme, sir, yes. I've had a skeleton long enough, and I've done +my best to bear it--but I never expected my cupboard to contain a +frozen wife, and under the circumstances I don't know how to conduct +myself. + +FER. Be a man,--and finish the port. + +MR. W. But how am I to explain her absence to other people? + +FER. Confound it, uncle, you've no imagination. Say she's gone out for +a walk. + +MR. W. And supposing your ship is wrecked, and you and your d--d bottle +go to the bottom? + +FER. In that case, uncle, I can only wish you well; and, believe me, I +will do so. I won't worry you any more now, for your hands are full, +and you will like to be left alone to form your own plans. Farewell. If +I'm not back with the bottle in ten minutes, think of me on my way to +America. + + (_Exit_ FERDINAND SWIFT, _door_ R.) + +MR. W. What a heartless ruffian! How easily he takes it all, +and how little he feels for me! How different are our lots! He goes to +America: I have to remain here--here, in this awful house, with this +dread mystery locked up in a cupboard. If anything happens, it is he +who is guilty, and not I; and yet I dare not interfere with his +departure, for my only chance depends upon his safe return with the +antidote. And how am I to pass the time until he does return? What +schemes must I not invent to Emily and the servants to account for the +prolonged absence of Mrs. Watmuff! How am I to explain away the +continually locked cupboard? There can be no earthly chance for me. +Mrs. Watmuff will be missed--will be searched for--will be found--and +long before that wretched nephew of mine returns with her restorative, +she will be in her grave, and I shall have been hung as her murderer. +As these and a thousand other horrible results of my mad act rush +through my disordered mind, my brain is on fire, and I feel that I am +going mad. One chance, and one only, remains to me. Ferdinand +_may_ find the remedy at his hotel: if so, he and my poor wronged +wife will want a warm bath. Thank goodness, there is one thing that I +can do. I will go and see that the water is hot. (_Exit_ MR. +WATMUFF, _door_ R.) + + (MRS. WATMUFF _appears at door of cupboard_.) + +MRS. W. Poor conscience-stricken imbecile! Oh! my parents, what must +you not have thought during the last half-hour! Teach me in the future +how to deal with this most miserable and misguided of men. + + (WALTER LITHERLAND _and_ EMILY _enter door_ L., _talking_.) + +WALTER. Yes, Emily, I must say farewell. + +MRS. W. (_aside_). How! He here again? Now can I learn the real +sentiments of these young people. I do not forget the timely warning of +the young man, and shall be glad to find that he has been misjudged. My +parents, I thank you for the opportunity thus vouchsafed me. + + (MRS. WATMUFF _retires into the cupboard_.) + +WALTER (_aside to_ EMILY). It's all right; she's still there; I heard +her. (_Aloud._) Let us sit, dearest (_places two chairs close to +cupboard_), and I will explain to you all that I mean--all that I feel. + +EMILY. Walter, I will do so, because I know that our parting is at +hand; otherwise, after my dear mother's expressed wish that we should +see each other no more, I could not have consented to converse alone +with you. + +WALTER. Your tender allusion to your mother, Emily, makes my task a +comparatively easy one. I confess that my object in seeking this +interview was that I might, tenderly and devotedly, bid you farewell. + +EMILY. I knew it. Something in your manner, Walter, told me that it was +to be so; and though my heart will break at our parting, I shall know +that it is only some wise purpose which induces you to leave me. + +WALTER. Emily, it is right that I should tell you all. You have alluded +to your mother. You know that in the first delirium of my love for you +I was inclined--God forgive me!--to resent the manifest objections +which that honored lady showed towards my pretensions. Hot-headed fool +that I was, Emily, I cruelly misjudged her. I thought that her +objections were mere prejudices. Circumstances have since come to my +knowledge which have convinced me that--though we cannot yet quite see +why--she is right, and that, distress us as it may, we are in duty +bound to bow before her greater experience, and to yield to her wisely +dispensed commands. + +EMILY. Walter, an inward voice tells me that you are right. Without +asking why, we ought to acquiesce in her views. Sometimes I fear that +my poor mother's life is not so happy as it should be. + +WALTER. Indeed it is not. Your father--but no, I can at least spare you +the pain of that sad story. We are both familiar with your dear +mother's loving and tender allusions to the memory of her parents. May +you, in years to come, enjoy the same proud privilege! May I, when old +and gray-headed, at least be able to think that I left my Emily in that +luxury, a lifelong legacy! And now, my dearest, I shall kiss you once, +and bid you a last good-by. + +EMILY. No, Walter; you will not kiss me. At such a season as this, when +we have agreed to part, such an act would be on your part unmanly, on +mine unmaidenly. I will open the street door for you; more I cannot do. + + (_Exeunt_ WALTER _and_ EMILY, _door_ L. MRS. WATMUFF _again + appears at door of cupboard_.) + +MRS. W. Oh, most excellent young man! Oh, most dutiful of daughters! +You have indeed earned the blessing of your mother, and straightway you +shall have it. I will to them, and delay his departure. (_Exit_ MRS. +WATMUFF, _door_ L.) + + (_Enter_ MR. WATMUFF, _door_ R., _carrying two cans of hot + water_.) + +MR. W. I thought it would never boil, and yet _I_ was boiling over all +the time. Oh, what a hideous time this is! But I have made up my mind. +I can bear this no longer; and, antidote or no antidote, I shall try +and thaw the poor thing with hot water. My poor darling! (_Opens +cupboard door and finds it empty. He sinks with a shriek into the +nearest chair._) Oh, horror! horror! horror! The body has been +discovered and removed. All is over now--I am indeed undone! + + (_Enter_ FERDINAND SWIFT, _door_ R.) + +FER. Undone? Not a bit of it. Overdone, I should say, from the look of +you. Don't be an old lunatic. Pull yourself together. Look +here--(_shaking him_)--it's all right; I've found my other bottle; here +it is. She'll be herself again in a few minutes. + +MR. W. She won't, Ferdinand; it's all over. The body has been +discovered and removed. + +FER. (_having rushed to cupboard and inspected it_). Good gracious! +This is most serious. What infernal carelessness! Who did it? and who +allowed it to be done? Do you know, you demented old ass, that in that +state, my poor aunt was as brittle as glass; and if she's been dropped, +or even knocked up against anything, or, for the matter of that, even +jolted, she would break into ten thousand pieces! Who's to blame for +this, I should, like to know? + +MR. W. (_with a groan_). I know, Ferdinand, _I_ am. I am what you came +to England to look out for, the first felon. Freeze me as quickly as +you can, and if you have any sympathy for me, keep me frozen. + + (_Enter, door_ L., MRS. WATMUFF, WALTER, _and_ EMILY. MRS. + WATMUFF _is walking between them, and has an arm round the waist + of each_.) + +FER. Hullo! Here _is_ the body! Now, who on earth has done this? + +MR. W. My wife, alive and well! Aha! Aha! Oh, joy! joy! joy! + +FER. Well, upon my soul, it takes very little to make you happy. What I +want to know is-- + +MRS. W. Peace, assassin; and you (_to_ MR. WATMUFF), malefactor, peace, +I say. + +FER. No, but hang it, this is a serious matter to me. It's a direct +infringement on my patent. That's what it is. Who brought you round? +Sentiment is sentiment,--but damme, justice is justice; and I mean to +know who brought you round, and then prosecute him. + +MRS. W. Silence, miscreant. I have not, as you put it, been brought +round, because, your vile scheme having been frustrated, I was never +rendered insensible. The liquid in your life-destroying phial, +Ferdinand Swift, was cast away by these hands, and pure and innocent +water took its place. + +FER. Then you never were frozen? + +MRS. W. Only so far as genuine horror can freeze. + +FER. But you went off? + +MRS. W. It was a masquerade-- + +MR. W. What! Do you mean to say that you were sensible all the time +that-- + +MRS. W. I was conscious during the entire period. I was conscious, Mr. +Watmuff, when you were gloating and exulting over what you believed to +be my lifeless body. + +MR. W. (_sinks in chair, and buries his face in his hands_). Oh, don't! +Spare me! spare me! + +MRS. W. I was conscious, Mr. Watmuff, when you abstracted from my +pocket the key of the cellar. + +MR. W. (_groaning_). Oh, don't! don't! + +MRS. W. I heard you, Mr. Watmuff, express your determination to possess +yourself of a duplicate to that key. (MR. WATMUFF _groans_.) I heard +you descend to the wine vaults, and was conscious of your return with +beakers and flagons containing wine. (MR. WATMUFF _groans_.) I was +conscious of the vile odor of tobacco pervading these rooms, which +hitherto I had kept free from such pollution; and, mark this well, Mr. +Watmuff, I was more than conscious _when the smoke from your cigar, +ejected from your lips, designedly suffused my countenance_. + +MR. W. Oh, this is too much! Ferdinand, do me a kindness. You are on +the look-out for some one who does not object to be frozen. In the +interests of science, I'm quite prepared to immolate myself. Freeze me, +and I'll bless you as long as you keep me frozen. + +MRS. W. (_approaching_ EMILY _and_ WALTER). Lastly, I was conscious +when these dear ones (_embraces them_) revealed themselves to me in +their true colors, and I learned that it was consistent with my duty to +my parents to give them my blessing. + +EMILY. I need not tell you, papa, how happy this makes me. + +MR. W. I'm very glad, my dear, to know that one member of the family is +likely to be happy. Now, Ferdinand, I'm quite ready. Freeze me. + +FER. With pleasure. You will feel one sharp prick in the lobe-- + +MRS. W. Hold, hateful trifler with the sacred laws of nature! Is such a +man as that _fit_ to be frozen? I will freeze you when we are alone, +sir! Ah, sad it is, when the old must be taught by the young, and that +the daughter's lot should be happier than the mother's! (_To_ EMILY.) +And yet, my child, I do not grudge you your happiness, and am glad at +heart to think that you will have a husband who declined to take part +in the diabolical scheme for Freezing his Mother-in-Law. + + +CURTAIN. + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Freezing a Mother-in-Law, by Thomas Edgar Pemberton + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 41507 *** |