diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/4092.txt | 14929 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/4092.zip | bin | 0 -> 320939 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/mnkns10.txt | 15645 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/mnkns10.zip | bin | 0 -> 321050 bytes |
4 files changed, 30574 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/old/4092.txt b/old/4092.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..eb2b701 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/4092.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14929 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Monikins, by J. Fenimore Cooper + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Monikins + +Author: J. Fenimore Cooper + +Release Date: May, 2003 [Etext #4092] +Posting Date: January 9, 2010 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MONIKINS *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +THE MONIKINS + + +By J. Fenimore Cooper + + + + +INTRODUCTION. + +It is not improbable that some of those who read this book, may feel a +wish to know in what manner I became possessed of the manuscript. Such +a desire is too just and natural to be thwarted, and the tale shall be +told as briefly as possible. + +During the summer of 1828, while travelling among those valleys of +Switzerland which lie between the two great ranges of the Alps, and in +which both the Rhone and the Rhine take their rise, I had passed from +the sources of the latter to those of the former river, and had reached +that basin in the mountains that is so celebrated for containing the +glacier of the Rhone, when chance gave me one of those rare moments +of sublimity and solitude, which are the more precious in the other +hemisphere from their infrequency. On every side the view was bounded +by high and ragged mountains, their peaks glittering near the sun, while +directly before me, and on a level with the eye, lay that miraculous +frozen sea, out of whose drippings the Rhone starts a foaming river, to +glance away to the distant Mediterranean. For the first time, during +a pilgrimage of years, I felt alone with nature in Europe. Alas! the +enjoyment, as all such enjoyments necessarily are amid the throngs of +the old world, was short and treacherous. A party came round the angle +of a rock, along the narrow bridle-path, in single file; two ladies on +horseback, followed by as many gentlemen on foot, and preceded by the +usual guide. It was but small courtesy to rise and salute the dove-like +eyes and blooming cheeks of the former, as they passed. They were +English, and the gentlemen appeared to recognize me as a countryman. One +of the latter stopped, and politely inquired if the passage of the +Furca was obstructed by snow. He was told not, and in return for the +information said that I would find the Grimsel a little ticklish; "but," +he added, smiling, "the ladies succeeded in crossing, and you will +scarcely hesitate." I thought I might get over a difficulty that his +fair companions had conquered. He then told me Sir Herbert Taylor was +made adjutant-general, and wished me good morning. + +I sat reflecting on the character, hopes, pursuits, and interests of +man, for an hour, concluding that the stranger was a soldier, who let +some of the ordinary workings of his thoughts overflow in this brief and +casual interview. To resume my solitary journey, cross the Rhone, and +toil my way up the rugged side of the Grimsel, consumed two more hours, +and glad was I to come in view of the little chill-looking sheet of +water on its summit, which is called the Lake of the Dead. The path was +filled with snow, at a most critical point, where, indeed, a misplaced +footstep might betray the incautious to their destruction. A large party +on the other side appeared fully aware of the difficulty, for it had +halted, and was in earnest discussion with the guide, touching the +practicability of passing. It was decided to attempt the enterprise. +First came a female of one of the sweetest, serenest countenances I had +ever seen. She, too, was English; and though she trembled, and blushed, +and laughed at herself, she came on with spirit, and would have reached +my side in safety, had not an unlucky stone turned beneath a foot that +was much too pretty for those wild hills. I sprang forward, and was +so happy as to save her from destruction. She felt the extent of the +obligation, and expressed her thanks modestly but with fervor. In a +minute we were joined by her husband, who grasped my hand with warm +feeling, or rather with the emotion one ought to feel who had witnessed +the risk he had just run of losing an angel. The lady seemed satisfied +at leaving us together. + +"You are an Englishman?" said the stranger. + +"An American." + +"An American! This is singular--will you pardon a question?--You have +more than saved my life--you have probably saved my reason--will you +pardon a question?--Can money serve you?" + +I smiled, and told him, odd as it might appear to him, that though an +American, I was a gentleman. He appeared embarrassed, and his fine face +worked, until I began to pity him, for it was evident he wished to show +me in some way, how much he felt he was my debtor, and yet he did not +know exactly what to propose. + +"We may meet again," I said, squeezing his hand. + +"Will you receive my card?" + +"Most willingly." + +He put "Viscount Householder" into my hand, and in return I gave him my +own humble appellation. + +He looked from the card to me, and from me to the card, and some +agreeable idea appeared to flash upon his mind. + +"Shall you visit Geneva this summer?" he asked, earnestly. + +"Within a month." + +"Your address--" + +"Hotel de l'Ecu." + +"You shall hear from me. Adieu." + +We parted, he, his lovely wife, and his guides descending to the Rhone, +while I pursued my way to the Hospice of the Grimsel. Within the month I +received a large packet at l'Ecu. It contained a valuable diamond ring, +with a request that I would wear it, as a memorial of Lady Householder, +and a fairly written manuscript. The following short note explained the +wishes of the writer: + +"Providence brought us together for more purposes than were at first +apparent. I have long hesitated about publishing the accompanying +narrative, for in England there is a disposition to cavil at +extraordinary facts, but the distance of America from my place of +residence will completely save me from ridicule. The world must have the +truth, and I see no better means than by resorting to your agency. All +I ask is, that you will have the book fairly printed, and that you will +send one copy to my address, Householder Hall, Dorsetshire, Eng., and +another to Captain Noah Poke, Stonington, Conn., in your own country. My +Anna prays for you, and is ever your friend. Do not forget us. + +"Yours, most faithfully," + +"HOUSEHOLDER." + +I have rigidly complied with this request, and having sent the two +copies according to direction, the rest of the edition is at the +disposal of any one who may feel an inclination to pay for it. In return +for the copy sent to Stonington, I received the following letter: + +"ON BOARD THE DERBY AND DOLLY, "STONNIN'TUN, April 1st, 1835. + +"AUTHOR OF THE SPY, ESQUIRE: + +"Dear Sir:--Your favor is come to hand, and found me in good health, +as I hope these few lines will have the same advantage with you. I have +read the book, and must say there is some truth in it, which, I suppose, +is as much as befalls any book, the Bible, the Almanac, and the State +Laws excepted. I remember Sir John well, and shall gainsay nothing he +testifies to, for the reason that friends should not contradict each +other. I was also acquainted with the four Monikins he speaks of, though +I knew them by different names. Miss Poke says she wonders if it's all +true, which I wunt tell her, seeing that a little unsartainty makes a +woman rational. As to my navigating without geometry, thats a matter +that wasn't worth booking, for it's no curiosity in these parts, bating +a look at the compass once or twice a day, and so I take my leave of +you, with offers to do any commission for you among the Sealing Islands, +for which I sail to-morrow, wind and weather permitting. + +"Yours to sarve, NOAH POKE." + +"To the Author of THE SPY, Esquire, ------ town, ------ county, York +state. + +"P. S.--I always told Sir John to steer clear of too much journalizing, +but he did nothing but write, night and day, for a week; and as you +brew, so you must bake. The wind has chopped, and we shall take our +anchor this tide; so no more at present. + +"N. B.--Sir John is a little out about my eating the monkey, which I +did, four years before I fell in with him, down on the Spanish Main. It +was not bad food to the taste, but was wonderful narvous to the eye. I +r'ally thought I had got hold of Miss Poke's youngest born." + + + + + +THE MONIKINS. + + + + +CHAPTER I. THE AUTHOR'S PEDIGREE,--ALSO THAT OF HIS FATHER. + + +The philosopher who broaches a new theory is bound to furnish, at least, +some elementary proofs of the reasonableness of his positions, and the +historian who ventures to record marvels that have hitherto been hid +from human knowledge, owes it to a decent regard to the opinions of +others, to produce some credible testimony in favor of his veracity. +I am peculiarly placed in regard to these two great essentials having +little more than its plausibility to offer in favor of my philosophy, +and no other witness than myself to establish the important facts that +are now about to be laid before the reading world for the first time. +In this dilemma, I fully feel the weight of responsibility under which +I stand; for there are truths of so little apparent probability as to +appear fictitious, and fictions so like the truth that the ordinary +observer is very apt to affirm that he was an eye-witness to their +existence: two facts that all our historians would do well to bear +in mind, since a knowledge of the circumstances might spare them +the mortification of having testimony that cost a deal of trouble, +discredited in the one case, and save a vast deal of painful and +unnecessary labor, in the other. Thrown upon myself, therefore, for what +the French call les pieces justificatives of my theories, as well as of +my facts, I see no better way to prepare the reader to believe me, than +by giving an unvarnished the result of the orange-woman's application; +for had my worthy ancestor been subjected to the happy accidents and +generous caprices of voluntary charity, it is more than probable I +should be driven to throw a veil over those important years of his +life that were notoriously passed in the work-house, but which, in +consequence of that occurrence, are now easily authenticated by valid +minutes and documentary evidence. Thus it is that there exists no +void in the annals of our family, even that period which is usually +remembered through gossiping and idle tales in the lives of most men, +being matter of legal record in that of my progenitor, and so continued +to be down to the day of his presumed majority, since he was indebted to +a careful master the moment the parish could with any legality, putting +decency quite out of the question, get rid of him. I ought to have said, +that the orange-woman, taking a hint from the sign of a butcher opposite +to whose door my ancestor was found, had very cleverly given him the +name of Thomas Goldencalf. + +This second important transition in the affairs of my father, might be +deemed a presage of his future fortunes. He was bound apprentice to a +trader in fancy articles, or a shopkeeper who dealt in such objects +as are usually purchased by those who do not well know what to do +with their money. This trade was of immense advantage to the future +prosperity of the young adventurer; for, in addition to the known fact +that they who amuse are much better paid than they who instruct their +fellow-creatures, his situation enabled him to study those caprices of +men, which, properly improved, are of themselves a mine of wealth, as +well as to gain a knowledge of the important truth that the greatest +events of this life are much oftener the result of impulse than of +calculation. + +I have it by a direct tradition, orally conveyed from the lips of my +ancestor, that no one could be more lucky than himself in the character +of his master. This personage, who came, in time, to be my maternal +grandfather, was one of those wary traders who encourage others in their +follies, with a view to his own advantage, and the experience of fifty +years had rendered him so expert in the practices of his calling, that +it was seldom he struck out a new vein in his mine, without finding +himself rewarded for the enterprise, by a success that was fully equal +to his expectations. + +"Tom," he said one day to his apprentice, when time had produced +confidence and awakened sympathies between them, "thou art a lucky +youth, or the parish officer would never have brought thee to my +door. Thou little knowest the wealth that is in store for thee, or the +treasures that are at thy command, if thou provest diligent, and in +particular faithful to my interests." My provident grandfather never +missed an occasion to throw in a useful moral, notwithstanding the +general character of veracity that distinguished his commerce. "Now, +what dost think, lad, may be the amount of my capital?" + +My ancestor in the male line hesitated to reply, for, hitherto, his +ideas had been confined to the profits; never having dared to lift his +thoughts as high as that source from which he could not but see they +flowed in a very ample stream; but thrown upon himself by so unexpected +a question, and being quick at figures, after adding ten per cent. to +the sum which he knew the last year had given as the net avail of their +joint ingenuity, he named the amount, in answered to the interrogatory. + +My maternal grandfather laughed in the face of my direct lineal +ancestor. + +"Thou judgest, Tom," he said, when his mirth was a little abated, "by +what thou thinkest is the cost of the actual stock before thine eyes, +when thou shouldst take into the account that which I term our floating +capital." + +Tom pondered a moment, for while he knew that his master had money in +the funds, he did not account that as any portion of the available means +connected with his ordinary business; and as for a floating capital, +he did not well see how it could be of much account, since the +disproportion between the cost and the selling prices of the different +articles in which they dealt was so great, that there was no particular +use in such an investment. As his master, however, rarely paid for +anything until he was in possession of returns from it that exceeded the +debt some seven-fold, he began to think the old man was alluding to the +advantages he obtained in the way of credit, and after a little more +cogitation, he ventured to say as much. + +Again my maternal grandfather indulged in a hearty fit of laughter. + +"Thou art clever in thy way, Tom," he said, "and I like the minuteness +of thy calculations, for they show an aptitude for trade; but there +is genius in our calling as well as cleverness. Come hither, boy," he +added, drawing Tom to a window whence they could see the neighbors +on their way to church, for it was on a Sunday that my two provident +progenitors indulged in this moral view of humanity, as best fitted the +day, "come hither, boy, and thou shalt see some small portion of that +capital which thou seemest to think hid, stalking abroad by daylight, +and in the open streets. Here, thou seest the wife of our neighbor, +the pastry-cook; with what an air she tosses her head and displays the +bauble thou sold'st her yesterday: well, even that slattern, idle and +vain, and little worthy of trust as she is, carries about with her a +portion of my capital!" + +My worthy ancestor stared, for he never knew the other to be guilty of +so great an indiscretion as to trust a woman whom they both knew bought +more than her husband was willing to pay for. + +"She gave me a guinea, master, for that which did not cost a +seven-shilling piece!" + +"She did, indeed, Tom, and it was her vanity that urged her to it. I +trade upon her folly, younker, and upon that of all mankind; now dost +thou see with what a capital I carry on affairs? There--there is the +maid, carrying the idle hussy's patterns in the rear; I drew upon my +stock in that wench's possession, no later than the last week, for +half-a-crown!" + +Tom reflected a long time on these allusions of his provident master, +and although he understood them about as well as they will be understood +by the owners of half the soft humid eyes and sprouting whiskers +among my readers, by dint of cogitation he came at last to a practical +understanding of the subject, which before he was thirty he had, to use +a French term, pretty well exploite. + +I learn by unquestionable tradition, received also from the mouths of +his contemporaries, that the opinions of my ancestor underwent some +material changes between the ages of ten and forty, a circumstance that +has often led me to reflect that people might do well not to be too +confident of the principles, during the pliable period of life, when the +mind, like the tender shoot, is easily bent aside and subjected to the +action of surrounding causes. + +During the earlier years of the plastic age, my ancestor was observed to +betray strong feelings of compassion at the sight of charity-children, +nor was he ever known to pass a child, especially a boy that was still +in petticoats, who was crying with hunger in the streets, without +sharing his own crust with him. Indeed, his practice on this head was +said to be steady and uniform, whenever the rencontre took place after +my worthy father had had his own sympathies quickened by a good dinner; +a fact that maybe imputed to a keener sense of the pleasure he was about +to confer. + +After sixteen, he was known to converse occasionally on the subject of +politics, a topic on which he came to be both expert and eloquent +before twenty. His usual theme was justice and the sacred rights of man, +concerning which he sometimes uttered very pretty sentiments, and such +as were altogether becoming in one who was at the bottom of the great +social pot that was then, as now, actively boiling, and where he was +made to feel most, the heat that kept it in ebullition. I am assured +that on the subject of taxation, and on that of the wrongs of America +and Ireland, there were few youths in the parish who could discourse +with more zeal and unction. About this time, too, he was heard shouting +"Wilkes and liberty!" in the public streets. + +But, as is the case with all men of rare capacities, there was a +concentration of powers in the mind of my ancestor, which soon brought +all his errant sympathies, the mere exuberance of acute and overflowing +feelings, into a proper and useful subjection, centring all in the one +absorbing and capacious receptacle of self. I do not claim for my father +any peculiar quality in this respect, for I have often observed that +many of those who (like giddy-headed horsemen that raise a great dust, +and scamper as if the highway were too narrow for their eccentric +courses, before they are fairly seated in the saddle, but who afterward +drive as directly at their goals as the arrow parting from the bow), +most indulge their sympathies at the commencement of their careers, are +the most apt toward the close to get a proper command of their feelings, +and to reduce them within the bounds of common sense and prudence. +Before five-and-twenty, my father was as exemplary and as constant a +devotee of Plutus as was then to be found between Ratcliffe Highway and +Bridge Street:--I name these places in particular, as all the rest of +the great capital in which he was born is known to be more indifferent +to the subject of money. + +My ancestor was just thirty, when his master, who like himself was +a bachelor, very unexpectedly, and a good deal to the scandal of the +neighborhood, introduced a new inmate into his frugal abode, in the +person of an infant female child. It would seem that some one had +been speculating on his stock of weakness too, for this poor, little, +defenceless, and dependent being was thrown upon his care, like Tom +himself, through the vigilance of the parish officers. There were many +good-natured jokes practised on the prosperous fancy-dealer, by the more +witty of his neighbors, at this sudden turn of good fortune, and not a +few ill-natured sneers were given behind his back; most of the knowing +ones of the vicinity finding a stronger likeness between the little girl +and all the other unmarried men of the eight or ten adjoining streets, +than to the worthy housekeeper who had been selected to pay for her +support. I have been much disposed to admit the opinions of these +amiable observers as authority in my own pedigree, since it would +be reaching the obscurity in which all ancient lines take root, a +generation earlier, than by allowing the presumption that little Betsey +was my direct male ancestor's master's daughter; but, on reflection, I +have determined to adhere to the less popular but more simple version +of the affair, because it is connected with the transmission of no small +part of our estate, a circumstance of itself that at once gives dignity +and importance to a genealogy. + +Whatever may have been the real opinion of the reputed father touching +his rights to the honors of that respectable title, he soon became as +strongly attached to the child, as if it really owed its existence +to himself. The little girl was carefully nursed, abundantly fed, +and throve accordingly. She had reached her third year, when the +fancy-dealer took the smallpox from his little pet, who was just +recovering from the same disease, and died at the expiration of the +tenth day. + +This was an unlooked-for and stunning blow to my ancestor, who was then +in his thirty-fifth year and the head shopman of the establishment, +which had continued to grow with the growing follies and vanities of the +age. On examining his master's will, it was found that my father, who +had certainly aided materially of late in the acquisition of the money, +was left the good-will of the shop, the command of all the stock at +cost, and the sole executorship of the estate. He was also intrusted +with the exclusive guardianship of little Betsey, to whom his master +had affectionately devised every farthing of his property. An ordinary +reader may be surprised that a man who had so long practised on the +foibles of his species, should have so much confidence in a mere +shopman, as to leave his whole estate so completely in his power; but, +it must be remembered, that human ingenuity has not yet devised any +means by which we can carry our personal effects into the other world; +that "what cannot be cured must be endured"; that he must of necessity +have confided this important trust to some fellow-creature, and that it +was better to commit the keeping of his money to one who, knowing the +secret by which it had been accumulated, had less inducement to be +dishonest, than one who was exposed to the temptation of covetousness, +without having a knowledge of any direct and legal means of gratifying +his longings. It has been conjectured, therefore, that the testator +thought, by giving up his trade to a man who was as keenly alive as +my ancestor to all its perfections, moral and pecuniary, he provided a +sufficient protection against his falling into the sin of peculation, by +so amply supplying him with simpler means of enriching himself. Besides, +it is fair to presume that the long acquaintance had begotten sufficient +confidence to weaken the effect of that saying which some wit has put +into the mouth of a wag, "Make me your executor, father; I care not to +whom you leave the estate." Let all this be as it might, nothing can be +more certain than that my worthy ancestor executed his trust with the +scrupulous fidelity of a man whose integrity had been severely schooled +in the ethics of trade. Little Betsey was properly educated for one in +her condition of life; her health was as carefully watched over as if +she had been the only daughter of the sovereign instead of the +only daughter of a fancy-dealer; her morals were superintended by a +superannuated old maid; her mind left to its original purity; her person +jealously protected against the designs of greedy fortune-hunters; and, +to complete the catalogue of his paternal attentions and solicitudes, my +vigilant and faithful ancestor, to prevent accidents, and to counteract +the chances of life, so far as it might be done by human foresight, saw +that she was legally married, the day she reached her nineteenth year, +to the person whom, there is every reason to think, he believed to be +the most unexceptionable man of his acquaintance--in other words, to +himself. Settlements were unnecessary between parties who had so long +been known to each other, and, thanks to the liberality of his late +master's will in more ways than one, a long minority, and the industry +of the ci-devant head shopman, the nuptial benediction was no sooner +pronounced, than our family stepped into the undisputed possession of +four hundred thousand pounds. One less scrupulous on the subject of +religion and the law, might not have thought it necessary to give the +orphan heiress a settlement so satisfactory, at the termination of her +wardship. + +I was the fifth of the children who were the fruits of this union, and +the only one of them all that passed the first year of its life. My poor +mother did not survive my birth, and I can only record her qualities +through the medium of that great agent in the archives of the family, +tradition. By all that I have heard, she must have been a meek, quiet, +domestic woman; who, by temperament and attainments, was admirably +qualified to second the prudent plans of my father for her welfare. If +she had causes of complaint, (and that she had, there is too much reason +to think, for who has ever escaped them?) they were concealed, with +female fidelity, in the sacred repository of her own heart; and if +truant imagination sometimes dimly drew an outline of married happiness +different from the fact that stood in dull reality before her eyes, the +picture was merely commented on by a sigh, and consigned to a cabinet +whose key none ever touched but herself, and she seldom. + +Of this subdued and unobtrusive sorrow, for I fear it sometimes reached +that intensity of feeling, my excellent and indefatigable ancestor +appeared to have no suspicion. He pursued his ordinary occupations with +his ordinary single-minded devotion, and the last thing that would have +crossed his brain was the suspicion that he had not punctiliously done +his duty by his ward. Had he acted otherwise, none surely would have +suffered more by his delinquency than her husband, and none would have +a better right to complain. Now, as her husband never dreamt of making +such an accusation, it is not at all surprising that my ancestor +remained in ignorance of his wife's feelings at the hour of his death. + +It has been said that the opinions of the successor of the fancy-dealer +underwent some essential changes between the ages of ten and forty. +After he had reached his twenty-second year, or, in other words, the +moment he began to earn money for himself, as well as for his master, +he ceased to cry "Wilkes and liberty!" He was not heard to breathe +a syllable concerning the obligations of society toward the weak and +unfortunate, for the five years that succeeded his majority; he touched +lightly on Christian duties in general, after he got to be worth fifty +pounds of his own; and as for railing at human follies, it would have +been rank ingratitude in one who so very unequivocally got his bread by +them. About this time, his remarks on the subject of taxation, however, +were singularly caustic, and well applied. He railed at the public debt, +as a public curse, and ominously predicted the dissolution of +society, in consequence of the burdens and incumbrances it was hourly +accumulating on the already overloaded shoulders of the trader. + +The period of his marriage and his succession to the hoardings of his +former master, may be dated as the second epocha in the opinions of my +ancestor. From this moment his ambition expanded, his views enlarged in +proportion to his means, and his contemplations on the subject of his +great floating capital became more profound and philosophical. A man +of my ancestor's native sagacity, whose whole soul was absorbed in the +pursuit of gain, who had so long been forming his mind, by dealing as +it were with the elements of human weaknesses, and who already possessed +four hundred thousand pounds, was very likely to strike out for himself +some higher road to eminence, than that in which he had been laboriously +journeying, during the years of painful probation. The property of +my mother had been chiefly invested in good bonds and mortgages; +her protector, patron, benefactor, and legalized father, having an +unconquerable repugnance to confiding in that soulless, conventional, +nondescript body corporate, the public. The first indication that was +given by my ancestor of a change of purpose in the direction of his +energies, was by calling in the whole of his outstanding debts, and +adopting the Napoleon plan of operations, by concentrating his forces on +a particular point, in order that he might operate in masses. About this +time, too, he suddenly ceased railing at taxation. This change may +be likened to that which occurs in the language of the ministerial +journals, when they cease abusing any foreign state with whom the nation +has been carrying on a war, that it is, at length, believed politic to +terminate; and for much the same reason, as it was the intention of my +thrifty ancestor to make an ally of a power that he had hitherto always +treated as an enemy. The whole of the four hundred thousand pounds were +liberally intrusted to the country, the former fancy-dealer's apprentice +entering the arena of virtuous and patriotic speculation, as a bull; +and, if with more caution, with at least some portion of the energy +and obstinacy of the desperate animal that gives title to this class of +adventurers. Success crowned his laudable efforts; gold rolled in +upon him like water on a flood, buoying him up, soul and body, to that +enviable height, where, as it would seem, just views can alone be taken +of society in its innumerable phases. All his former views of life, +which, in common with others of a similar origin and similar political +sentiments, he had imbibed in early years, and which might with +propriety be called near views, were now completely obscured by the +sublimer and broader prospect that was spread before him. + +I am afraid the truth will compel me to admit, that my ancestor was +never charitable in the vulgar acceptation of the term; but then, he +always maintained that his interest in his fellow-creatures was of a +more elevated cast, taking a comprehensive glance at all the bearings +of good and evil--being of the sort of love which induces the parent to +correct the child, that the lesson of present suffering may produce +the blessings of future respectability and usefulness. Acting on +these principles, he gradually grew more estranged from his species in +appearance, a sacrifice that was probably exacted by the severity of his +practical reproofs for their growing wickedness, and the austere policy +that was necessary to enforce them. By this time, my ancestor was also +thoroughly impressed with what is called the value of money; a sentiment +which, I believe, gives its possessor a livelier perception than common +of the dangers of the precious metals, as well as of their privileges +and uses. He expatiated occasionally on the guaranties that it was +necessary to give to society, for its own security; never even voted for +a parish officer unless he were a warm substantial citizen; and began to +be a subscriber to the patriotic fund, and to the other similar little +moral and pecuniary buttresses of the government, whose common and +commendable object was, to protect our country, our altars, and our +firesides. + +The death-bed of my mother has been described to me as a touching and +melancholy scene. It appears that as this meek and retired woman was +extricated from the coil of mortality, her intellect grew brighter, her +powers of discernment stronger, and her character in every respect +more elevated and commanding. Although she had said much less about our +firesides and altars than her husband, I see no reason to doubt that she +had ever been quite as faithful as he could be to the one, and as +much devoted to the other. I shall describe the important event of her +passage from this to a better world, as I have often had it repeated +from the lips of one who was present, and who has had an important +agency in since making me the man I am. This person was the clergyman of +the parish, a pious divine, a learned man, and a gentleman in feeling as +well as by extraction. + +My mother, though long conscious that she was drawing near to her +last great account, had steadily refused to draw her husband from his +absorbing pursuits, by permitting him to be made acquainted with her +situation. He knew that she was ill; very ill, as he had reason to +think; but, as he not only allowed her, but even volunteered to order +her all the advice and relief that money could command (my ancestor was +not a miser in the vulgar meaning of the word), he thought that he had +done all that man could do, in a case of life and death--interests +over which he professed to have no control. He saw Dr. Etherington, +the rector, come and go daily, for a month, without uneasiness +or apprehension, for he thought his discourse had a tendency to +tranquillize my mother, and he had a strong affection for all that left +him undisturbed, to the enjoyment of the occupation in which his whole +energies were now completely centred. The physician got his guinea at +each visit, with scrupulous punctuality; the nurses were well received +and were well satisfied, for no one interfered with their acts but +the doctor; and every ordinary duty of commission was as regularly +discharged by my ancestor, as if the sinking and resigned creature +from whom he was about to be forever separated had been the spontaneous +choice of his young and fresh affections. + +When, therefore, a servant entered to say that Dr. Etherington desired +a private interview, my worthy ancestor, who had no consciousness of +having neglected any obligation that became a friend of church and +state, was in no small measure surprised. + +"I come, Mr. Goldencalf, on a melancholy duty," said the pious rector, +entering the private cabinet to which his application had for the +first time obtained his admission; "the fatal secret can no longer be +concealed from you, and your wife at length consents that I shall be the +instrument of revealing it." + +The Doctor paused; for on such occasions it is perhaps as well to let +the party that is about to be shocked receive a little of the blow +through his own imagination; and busily enough was that of my poor +father said to be exercised on this painful occasion. He grew pale, +opened his eyes until they again filled the sockets into which they had +gradually been sinking for twenty years, and looked a hundred questions +that his tongue refused to put. + +"It cannot be, Doctor," he at length querulously said, "that a woman +like Betsey has got an inkling into any of the events connected with +the last great secret expedition, and which have escaped my jealousy and +experience?" + +"I am afraid, dear sir, that Mrs. Goldencalf has obtained glimpses of +the last great and secret expedition on which we must all, sooner or +later, embark, that have entirely escaped your vigilance. But of this I +will speak some other time. At present it is my painful duty to inform +you it is the opinion of the physician that your excellent wife cannot +outlive the day, if, indeed, she do the hour." + +My father was struck with this intelligence, and for more than a minute +he remained silent and without motion. Casting his eyes toward the +papers on which he had lately been employed, and which contained some +very important calculations connected with the next settling day, he at +length resumed: + +"If this be really so, Doctor, it may be well for me to go to her, since +one in the situation of the poor woman may indeed have something of +importance to communicate." + +"It is with this object that I have now come to tell you the truth," +quietly answered the divine, who knew that nothing was to be gained by +contending with the besetting weakness of such a man, at such a moment. + +My father bent his head in assent, and, first carefully enclosing the +open papers in a secretary, he followed his companion to the bedside of +his dying wife. + + + + +CHAPTER II. TOUCHING MYSELF AND TEN THOUSAND POUNDS. + + +Although my ancestor was much too wise to refuse to look back upon his +origin in a worldly point of view, he never threw his retrospective +glances so far as to reach the sublime mystery of his moral existence; +and while his thoughts might be said to be ever on the stretch to attain +glimpses into the future, they were by far too earthly to extend beyond +any other settling day than those which were regulated by the ordinances +of the stock exchange. With him, to be born was but the commencement of +a speculation, and to die was to determine the general balance of profit +and loss. A man who had so rarely meditated on the grave changes of +mortality, therefore, was consequently so much the less prepared to gaze +upon the visible solemnities of a death-bed. Although he had never truly +loved my mother, for love was a sentiment much too pure and elevated +for one whose imagination dwelt habitually on the beauties of the +stock-books, he had ever been kind to her, and of late he was even +much disposed, as has already been stated, to contribute as much to +her temporal comforts as comported with his pursuits and habits. On +the other hand, the quiet temperament of my mother required some more +exciting cause than the affections of her husband, to quicken those +germs of deep, placid, womanly love, that certainly lay dormant in her +heart, like seed withering with the ungenial cold of winter. The last +meeting of such a pair was not likely to be attended with any violent +outpourings of grief. + +My ancestor, notwithstanding, was deeply struck with the physical +changes in the appearance of his wife. + +"Thou art much emaciated, Betsey," he said, taking her hand kindly, +after a long and solemn pause; "much more so than I had thought, or +could have believed! Dost nurse give thee comforting soups and generous +nourishment?" + +My mother smiled the ghastly smile of death; but waved her hand, with +loathing, at his suggestion. + +"All this is now too late, Mr. Goldencalf," she answered, speaking with +a distinctness and an energy for which she had long been reserving her +strength. "Food and raiment are no longer among my wants." + +"Well, well, Betsey, one that is in want of neither food nor raiment, +cannot be said to be in great suffering, after all; and I am glad that +thou art so much at ease. Dr. Etherington tells me thou art far from +being well bodily, however, and I am come expressly to see if I can +order anything that will help to make thee more easy." + +"Mr. Goldencalf, you can. My wants for this life are nearly over; +a short hour or two will remove me beyond the world, its cares, its +vanities, its--" My poor mother probably meant to add, its heartlessness +or its selfishness; but she rebuked herself, and paused: "By the mercy +of our blessed Redeemer, and through the benevolent agency of this +excellent man," she resumed, glancing her eye upwards at first with +holy reverence, and then at the divine with meek gratitude, "I quit you +without alarm, and were it not for one thing, I might say without care." + +"And what is there to distress thee, in particular, Betsey?" asked my +father, blowing his nose, and speaking with unusual tenderness; "if it +be in my power to set thy heart at ease on this, or on any other point, +name it, and I will give orders to have it immediately performed. Thou +hast been a good pious woman, and canst have little to reproach thyself +with." + +My mother looked earnestly and wistfully at her husband. Never before +had he betrayed so strong an interest in her happiness, and had it not, +alas! been too late, this glimmering of kindness might have lighted the +matrimonial torch into a brighter flame than had ever yet glowed upon +the past. + +"Mr. Goldencalf, we have an only son--" + +"We have, Betsey, and it may gladden thee to hear that the physician +thinks the boy more likely to live than either of his poor brothers and +sisters." + +I cannot explain the holy and mysterious principle of maternal nature +that caused my mother to clasp her hands, to raise her eyes to heaven, +and, while a gleam flitted athwart her glassy eyes and wan cheeks, to +murmur her thanks to God for the boon. She was herself hastening away +to the eternal bliss of the pure of mind and the redeemed, and her +imagination, quiet and simple as it was, had drawn pictures in which she +and her departed babes were standing before the throne of the Most High, +chanting his glory, and shining amid the stars--and yet was she now +rejoicing that the last and the most cherished of all her offsprings +was likely to be left exposed to the evils, the vices, nay, to the +enormities, of the state of being that she herself so willingly +resigned. + +"It is of our boy that I wish now to speak, Mr. Goldencalf," replied my +mother, when her secret devotion was ended. "The child will have need of +instruction and care; in short, of both mother and father." + +"Betsey, thou forgettest that he will still have the latter." + +"You are much wrapped up in your business, Mr. Goldencalf, and are not, +in other respects, qualified to educate a boy born to the curse and to +the temptations of immense riches." + +My excellent ancestor looked as if he thought his dying consort had in +sooth finally taken leave of her senses. + +"There are public schools, Betsey; I promise thee the child shall not be +forgotten: I will have him well taught, though it cost me a thousand a +year!" + +His wife reached forth her emaciated hand to that of my father, and +pressed the latter with as much force as a dying mother could use. For +a fleet moment she even appeared to have gotten rid of her latest +care. But the knowledge of character that had been acquired by the hard +experience of thirty years, was not to be unsettled by the gratitude of +a moment. + +"I wish, Mr. Goldencalf," she anxiously resumed, "to receive your solemn +promise to commit the education of our boy to Dr. Etherington--you know +his worth, and must have full confidence in such a man." + +"Nothing would give me greater satisfaction, my dear Betsey; and if Dr. +Etherington will consent to receive him, I will send Jack to his house +this very evening; for, to own the truth, I am but little qualified to +take charge of a child under a year old. A hundred a year, more or less, +shall not spoil so good a bargain." + +The divine was a gentleman, and he looked grave at this speech, though, +meeting the anxious eyes of my mother, his own lost their displeasure in +a glance of reassurance and pity. + +"The charges of his education will be easily settled, Mr. Goldencalf," +added my mother; "but the Doctor has consented with difficulty to take +the responsibility of my poor babe, and that only under two conditions." + +The stock-dealer required an explanation with his eyes. + +"One is, that the child shall be left solely to his own care, after +he has reached his fourth year; and the other is, that you make an +endowment for the support of two poor scholars, at one of the principal +schools." + +As my mother got out the last words, she fell back on her pillow, whence +her interest in the subject had enabled her to lift her head a little, +and she fairly gasped for breath, in the intensity of her anxiety to +hear the answer. My ancestor contracted his brow, like one who saw it +was a subject that required reflection. + +"Thou dost not know perhaps, Betsey, that these endowments swallow up a +great deal of money--a great deal--and often very uselessly." + +"Ten thousand pounds is the sum that has been agreed upon between Mrs. +Goldencalf and me," steadily remarked the Doctor, who, in my soul, I +believe had hoped that his condition would be rejected, having yielded +to the importunities of a dying woman, rather than to his own sense of +that which might be either very desirable or very useful. + +"Ten thousand pounds!" + +My mother could not speak, though she succeeded in making an imploring +sign of assent. + +"Ten thousand pounds is a great deal of money, my dear Betsey--a very +great deal!" + +The color of my mother changed to the hue of death, and by her breathing +she appeared to be in the agony. + +"Well, well, Betsey," said my father a little hastily, for he was +frightened at her pallid countenance and extreme distress, "have +it thine own way--the money, yes, yes--it shall be given as thou +wishest--now set thy kind heart at rest." + +The revulsion of feeling was too great for one whose system had been +wound up to a state of excitement like that which had sustained my +mother, who, an hour before, had seemed scarcely able to speak. She +extended her hand toward her husband, smiled benignantly in his face, +whispered the word "Thanks," and then, losing all her powers of body, +sank into the last sleep, as tranquilly as the infant drops its head +on the bosom of the nurse. This was, after all, a sudden, and, in one +sense, an unexpected death: all who witnessed it were struck with awe. +My father gazed for a whole minute intently on the placid features +of his wife, and left the room in silence. He was followed by Dr. +Etherington, who accompanied him to the private apartment where they +had first met that night, neither uttering a syllable until both were +seated. + +"She was a good woman, Dr. Etherington!" said the widowed man, shaking +his foot with agitation. + +"She was a good woman, Mr. Goldencalf." + +"And a good wife, Dr. Etherington." + +"I have always believed her to be a good wife, sir." + +"Faithful, obedient, and frugal." + +"Three qualities that are of much practical use in the affairs of this +world." + +"I shall never marry again, sir." + +The divine bowed. + +"Nay, I never could find such another match!" + +Again the divine inclined his head, though the assent was accompanied by +slight smile. + +"Well, she has left me an heir." + +"And brought something that he might inherit," observed the Doctor, +dryly. + +My ancestor looked up inquiringly at his companion, but apparently most +of the sarcasm was thrown away, + +"I resign the child to your care, Dr. Etherington, conformably to the +dying request of my beloved Betsey." + +"I accept the charge, Mr. Goldencalf, comformably to my promise to the +deceased; but you will remember that there was a condition coupled with +that promise which must be faithfully and promptly fulfilled." + +My ancestor was too much accustomed to respect the punctilios of trade, +whose code admits of frauds only in certain categories, which are +sufficiently explained in its conventional rules of honor; a sort of +specified morality, that is bottomed more on the convenience of its +votaries than on the general law of right. He respected the letter of +his promise while his soul yearned to avoid its spirit; and his wits +were already actively seeking the means of doing that which he so much +desired. + +"I did make a promise to poor Betsey, certainly," he answered, in the +way of one who pondered, "and it was a promise, too, made under very +solemn circumstances." + +"The promises made to the dead are doubly binding; since, by their +departure to the world of spirits, it may be said they leave the +performance to the exclusive superintendence of the Being who cannot +lie." + +My ancestor quailed; his whole frame shuddered, and his purpose was +shaken. + +"Poor Betsey left you as her representative in this case, however, +Doctor," he observed, after the delay of more than a minute, casting his +eyes wistfully towards the divine. + +"In one sense, she certainly did, sir." + +"And a representative with full powers is legally a principal under +a different name. I think this matter might be arranged to our mutual +satisfaction, Dr. Etherington, and the intention of poor Betsey most +completely executed; she, poor woman, knew little of business, as was +best for her sex; and when women undertake affairs of magnitude, they +are very apt to make awkward work of it." + +"So that the intention of the deceased be completely fulfilled, you will +not find me exacting, Mr. Goldencalf." + +"I thought as much--I knew there could be no difficulty between two +men of sense, who were met with honest views to settle a matter of this +nature. The intention of poor Betsey, Doctor, was to place her +child under your care, with the expectation--and I do not deny its +justice--that the boy would receive more benefit from your knowledge +than he possibly could from mine." + +Dr. Etherington was too honest to deny these premises, and too polite to +admit them without an inclination of acknowledgment. + +"As we are quite of the same mind, good sir, concerning the +preliminaries," continued my ancestor, "we will enter a little nearer +into the details. It appears to me to be no more than strict justice, +that he who does the work should receive the reward. This is a principle +in which I have been educated, Dr. Etherington; it is one in which I +could wish to have my son educated; and it is one on which I hope always +to practise." + +Another inclination of the body conveyed the silent assent of the +divine. + +"Now, poor Betsey, Heaven bless her!--for she was a meek and tranquil +companion, and richly deserves to be rewarded in a future state--but, +poor Betsey had little knowledge of business. She fancied that, in +bestowing these ten thousand pounds on a charity, she was acting well; +whereas she was in fact committing injustice. If you are to have the +trouble and care of bringing up little Jack, who but you should reap the +reward?" + +"I shall expect, Mr. Goldencalf, that you will furnish the means to +provide for the child's wants." + +"Of that, sir, it is unnecessary to speak," interrupted my ancestor, +both promptly and proudly. "I am a wary man, and a prudent man, and am +one who knows the value of money, I trust; but I am no miser, to stint +my own flesh and blood. Jack shall never want for anything, while it +is in my power to give it. I am by no means as rich, sir, as the +neighborhood supposes; but then I am no beggar. I dare say, if all my +assets were fairly counted, it might be found that I am worth a plum." + +"You are said to have received a much larger sum than that with the late +Mrs. Goldencalf," the divine observed, not without reproof in his voice. + +"Ah, dear sir, I need not tell you what vulgar rumor is--but I shall not +undermine my own credit; and we will change the subject. My object, +Dr. Etherington, was merely to do justice. Poor Betsey desired that ten +thousand pounds might be given to found a scholarship or two: now, what +have these scholars done, or what are they likely to do, for me or +mine? The case is different with you, sir; you will have trouble--much +trouble, I make no doubt; and it is proper that you should have a +sufficient compensation. I was about to propose, therefore, that you +should consent to receive my check for three, or four, or even for five +thousand pounds," continued my ancestor, raising the offer as he saw the +frown on the brow of the Doctor deepen. "Yes, sir, I will even say the +latter sum, which possibly will not be too much for your trouble and +care; and we will forget the womanish plan of poor Betsey in relation to +the two scholarships and the charity. Five thousand pounds down, Doctor, +for yourself, and the subject of the charity forgotten forever." + +When my father had thus distinctly put his proposition, he awaited its +effect with the confidence of a man who had long dealt with cupidity. +For a novelty, his calculation failed. The face of Dr. Etherington +flushed, then paled, and finally settled into a look of melancholy +reprehension. He arose and paced the room for several minutes in +silence; during which time his companion believed he was debating with +himself on the chances of obtaining a higher bid for his consent, when +he suddenly stopped and addressed my ancestor in a mild but steady tone. + +"I feel it to be a duty, Mr. Goldencalf," he said, "to admonish you of +the precipice over which you hang. The love of money, which is the root +of all evil, which caused Judas to betray even his Saviour and God, +has taken deep root in your soul. You are no longer young, and although +still proud in your strength and prosperity, are much nearer to your +great account than you may be willing to believe. It is not an hour +since you witnessed the departure of a penitent soul for the presence of +her God; since you heard the dying request from her lips; and since, in +such a presence and in such a scene, you gave a pledge to respect her +wishes, and, now, with the accursed spirit of gain upper-most, you would +trifle with these most sacred obligations, in order to keep a little +worthless gold in a hand that is already full to overflowing. Fancy that +the pure spirit of thy confiding and single-minded wife were present +at this conversation; fancy it mourning over thy weakness and violated +faith--nay, I know not that such is not the fact; for there is no reason +to believe that the happy spirits are not permitted to watch near, and +mourn over us, until we are released from this mass of sin and depravity +in which we dwell--and, then, reflect what must be her sorrow at hearing +how soon her parting request is forgotten, how useless has been +the example of her holy end, how rooted and fearful are thine own +infirmities!" + +My father was more rebuked by the manner than by the words of the +divine. He passed his hand across his brow, as if to shut out the view +of his wife's spirit; turned, drew his writing materials nearer, wrote a +check for the ten thousand pounds, and handed it to the Doctor with the +subdued air of a corrected boy. + +"Jack shall be at your disposal, good sir," he said, as the paper was +delivered, "whenever it may be your pleasure to send for him." + +They parted in silence; the divine too much displeased, and my ancestor +too much grieved, to indulge in words of ceremony. + +When my father found himself alone, he gazed furtively about the room, +to assure himself that the rebuking spirit of his wife had not taken +a shape less questionable than air, and then, he mused for at least an +hour, very painfully, on all the principal occurrences of the night. It +is said that occupation is a certain solace for grief, and so it proved +to be in the present case; for luckily my father had made up that very +day his private account of the sum total of his fortune. Sitting down, +therefore, to the agreeable task, he went through the simple process of +subtracting from it the amount for which he had just drawn, and, finding +that he was still master of seven hundred and eighty-two thousand three +hundred and eleven pounds odd shillings and even pence, he found a very +natural consolation for the magnitude of the sum he had just given away, +by comparing it with the magnitude of that which was left. + + + + +CHAPTER III. OPINIONS OF OUR AUTHOR'S ANCESTOR, TOGETHER WITH SOME OF +HIS OWN, AND SOME OF OTHER PEOPLE'S. + + +Dr. Etherington was both a pious man and a gentleman. The second son +of a baronet of ancient lineage, he had been educated in most of the +opinions of his caste, and possibly he was not entirely above its +prejudices; but, this much admitted, few divines were more willing +to defer to the ethics and principles of the Bible than himself. His +humility had, of course, a decent regard to station; his charity was +judiciously regulated by the articles of faith; and his philanthropy was +of the discriminating character that became a warm supporter of church +and state. + +In accepting the trust which he was now obliged to assume, he had +yielded purely to a benevolent wish to smooth the dying pillow of my +mother. Acquainted with the character of her husband, he had committed a +sort of pious fraud, in attaching the condition of the endowment to his +consent; for, notwithstanding the becoming language of his own rebuke, +the promise, and all the other little attendant circumstances of the +night, it might be questioned which felt the most surprise after +the draft was presented and duly honored, he who found himself in +possession, or he who found himself deprived, of the sum of ten thousand +pounds sterling. Still Dr. Etherington acted with the most scrupulous +integrity in the whole affair; and although I am aware that a writer who +has so many wonders to relate, as must of necessity adorn the succeeding +pages of this manuscript, should observe a guarded discretion in drawing +on the credulity of his readers, truth compels me to add, that every +farthing of the money was duly invested with a single eye to the wishes +of the dying Christian, who, under Providence, had been the means of +bestowing so much gold on the poor and unlettered. As to the manner in +which the charity was finally improved, I shall say nothing, since no +inquiry on my part has ever enabled me to obtain such information as +would justify my speaking with authority. + +As for myself, I shall have little more to add touching the events of +the succeeding twenty years. I was baptized, nursed, breeched, schooled, +horsed, confirmed, sent to the university, and graduated, much as +befalls all gentlemen of the established church in the united kingdoms +of Great Britain and Ireland, or, in other words, of the land of my +ancestor. During these pregnant years, Dr. Etherington acquitted himself +of a duty that, judging by a very predominant feeling of human nature +(which, singularly enough, renders us uniformly averse to being troubled +with other people's affairs), I think he must have found sufficiently +vexatious, quite as well as my good mother had any right to expect. Most +of my vacations were spent at his rectory; for he had first married, +then become a father, next a widower, and had exchanged his town living +for one in the country, between the periods of my mother's death and +that on my going to Eton; and, after I quitted Oxford, much more of my +time was passed beneath his friendly roof than beneath that of my own +parent. Indeed, I saw little of the latter. He paid my bills, furnished +me with pocket-money, and professed an intention to let me travel after +I should reach my majority. But, satisfied with these proofs of paternal +care, he appeared willing to let me pursue my own course very much in my +own way. + +My ancestor was an eloquent example of the truth of that political dogma +which teaches the efficacy of the division of labor. No manufacturer of +the head of a pin ever attained greater dexterity in his single-minded +vocation than was reached by my father in the one pursuit to which he +devoted, as far as human ken could reach, both soul and body. As any +sense is known to increase in acuteness by constant exercise, or any +passion by indulgence, so did his ardor in favor of the great object +of his affections grow with its growth, and become more manifest as an +ordinary observer would be apt to think the motive of its existence at +all had nearly ceased. This is a moral phenomenon that I have often had +occasion to observe, and which, there is some reason to think, depends +on a principle of attraction that has hitherto escaped the sagacity of +the philosophers, but which is as active in the immaterial, as is that +of gravitation in the material world. Talents like his, so incessantly +and unweariedly employed, produced the usual fruits. He grew richer +hourly, and at the time of which I speak he was pretty generally known +to the initiated to be the warmest man who had anything to do with the +stock exchange. + +I do not think that the opinions of my ancestor underwent as many +material changes between the ages of fifty and seventy as they had +undergone between the ages of ten and forty. During the latter period +the tree of life usually gets deep root, its inclination is fixed, +whether obtained by bending to the storms, or by drawing toward the +light; and it probably yields more in fruits of its own, than it gains +by tillage and manuring. Still my ancestor was not exactly the same man +the day he kept his seventieth birthday as he had been the day he kept +his fiftieth. In the first place, he was worth thrice the money at the +former period that he had been worth at the latter. Of course his moral +system had undergone all the mutations that are known to be dependent on +a change of this important character. Beyond a question, during the last +five-and-twenty years of the life of my ancestor, his political bias, +too, was in favor of exclusive privileges and exclusive benefits. I do +not mean that he was an aristocrat in the vulgar acceptation. To +him, feudality was a blank; he had probably never heard the word. +Portcullises rose and fell, flanking towers lifted their heads, and +embattled walls swept around their fabrics in vain, so far as his +imagination was concerned. He cared not for the days of courts leet and +courts baron; nor for the barons themselves; nor for the honors of a +pedigree (why should he?--no prince in the land could more clearly +trace his family into obscurity than himself), nor for the vanities of +a court, nor for those of society; nor for aught else of the same nature +that is apt to have charms for the weak-minded, the imaginative, or +the conceited. His political prepossessions showed themselves in a very +different manner. Throughout the whole of the five lustres I have named, +he was never heard to whisper a censure against government, let its +measures, or the character of its administration, be what it would. +It was enough for him that it was government. Even taxation no longer +excited his ire, nor aroused his eloquence. He conceived it to be +necessary to order, and especially to the protection of property, a +branch of political science that he had so studied as to succeed in +protecting his own estate, in a measure, against even this great ally +itself. After he became worth a million, it was observed that all his +opinions grew less favorable to mankind in general, and that he was much +disposed to exaggerate the amount and quality of the few boons which +Providence has bestowed on the poor. The report of a meeting of the +Whigs generally had an effect on his appetite; a resolution that was +suspected of emanating from Brookes's commonly robbed him of a dinner, +and the Radicals never seriously moved that he did not spend a sleepless +night, and pass a large portion of the next day in uttering words that +it would be hardly moral to repeat. I may without impropriety add, +however, that on such occasions he did not spare allusions to the +gallows; Sir Francis Burdett, in particular, was a target for a good +deal of billingsgate; and men as upright and as respectable even as my +lords Grey, Landsdowne, and Holland, were treated as if they were +no better than they should be. But on these little details it is +unnecessary to dwell, for it must be a subject of common remark, that +the more elevated and refined men become in their political ethics, the +more they are accustomed to throw dirt upon their neighbors. I will +just state, however, that most of what I have here related has been +transmitted to me by direct oral traditions, for I seldom saw my +ancestor, and when we did meet, it was only to settle accounts, to eat a +leg of mutton together, and to part like those who, at least, have never +quarrelled. + +Not so with Dr. Etherington. Habit (to say nothing of my own merits) +had attached him to one who owed so much to his care, and his doors were +always as open to me as if I had been his own son. + +It has been said that most of my idle time (omitting the part misspent +in the schools) was passed at the rectory. + +The excellent divine had married a lovely woman, a year or two after +the death of my mother, who had left him a widower, and the father of a +little image of herself, before the expiration of a twelvemonth. Owing +to the strength of his affections for the deceased, or for his daughter, +or because he could not please himself in a second marriage as well as +it had been his good fortune to do in the first, Dr. Etherington had +never spoken of forming another connection. He appeared content to +discharge his duties, as a Christian and a gentleman, without increasing +them by creating any new relations with society. + +Anna Etherington was of course my constant companion during many +long and delightful visits at the rectory. Three years my junior, +the friendship on my part had commenced by a hundred acts of boyish +kindness. Between the ages of seven and twelve, I dragged her about in +a garden-chair, pushed her on the swing, and wiped her eyes and uttered +words of friendly consolation when any transient cloud obscured the +sunny brightness of her childhood. From twelve to fourteen, I told her +stories; astonished her with narratives of my own exploits at Eton, +and caused her serene blue eyes to open in admiration at the marvels of +London. At fourteen, I began to pick up her pocket-handkerchief, hunt +for her thimble, accompany her in duets, and to read poetry to her, +as she occupied herself with the little lady-like employments of the +needle. About the age of seventeen I began to compare cousin Anna, as +I was permitted to call her, with the other young girls of my +acquaintance, and the comparison was generally much in her favor. It was +also about this time that, as my admiration grew more warm and manifest, +she became less confiding and less frank; I perceived too that, for a +novelty, she now had some secrets that she did not choose to communicate +to me, that she was more with her governess, and less in my society +than formerly, and on one occasion (bitterly did I feel the slight) +she actually recounted to her father the amusing incidents of a little +birthday fete at which she had been present, and which was given by +a gentleman of the vicinity, before she even dropped a hint to me, +touching the delight she had experienced on the occasion. I was, +however, a good deal compensated for the slight by her saying, kindly, +as she ended her playful and humorous account of the affair: + +"It would have made you laugh heartily, Jack, to see the droll manner +in which the servants acted their parts" (there had been a sort of +mystified masque), "more particularly the fat old butler, of whom they +had made a Cupid, as Dick Griffin said, in order to show that love +becomes drowsy and dull by good eating and drinking--I DO wish you COULD +have been there, Jack." + +Anna was a gentle feminine girl, with a most lovely and winning +countenance, and I did inherently like to hear her pronounce the word +"Jack"--it was so different from the boisterous screech of the Eton +boys, or the swaggering call of my boon companions at Oxford! + +"I should have liked it excessively myself, Anna," I answered; "more +particularly as you seem to have so much enjoyed the fun." + +"Yes, but that COULD NOT BE" interrupted Miss-Mrs. Norton, the +governess. "For Sir Harry Griffin is very difficult about his +associates, and you know, my dear, that Mr. Goldencalf, though a very +respectable young man himself, could not expect one of the oldest +baronets of the county to go out of his way to invite the son of a +stock-jobber to be present at a fete given to his own heir." + +Luckily for Miss-Mrs. Norton, Dr. Etherington had walked away the +moment his daughter ended her recital, or she might have met with +a disagreeable commentary on her notions concerning the fitness of +associations. Anna herself looked earnestly at her governess, and I saw +a flush mantle over her sweet face that reminded me of the ruddiness of +morn. Her soft eyes then fell to the floor, and it was some time before +she spoke. + +The next day I was arranging some fishing-tackle under a window of the +library, where my person was concealed by the shrubbery, when I heard +the melodious voice of Anna wishing the rector good morning. My heart +beat quicker as she approached the casement, tenderly inquiring of her +parent how he had passed the night. The answers were as affectionate as +the questions, and then there was a little pause. + +"What is a stock-jobber, father?" suddenly resumed Anna, whom I heard +rustling the leaves above my head. + +"A stock-jobber, my dear, is one who buys and sells in the public funds, +with a view to profit." + +"And is it thought a PARTICULARLY disgraceful employment?" + +"Why, that depends on circumstances. On 'Change it seems to be well +enough--among merchants and bankers there is some odium attached to it, +I believe." + +"And can you say why, father?" + +"I believe," said Dr. Etherington, laughing, "for no other reason +than that it is an uncertain calling--one that is liable to sudden +reverses--what is termed gambling--and whatever renders property +insecure is sure to obtain odium among those whose principal concern +is its accumulation; those who consider the responsibility of others of +essential importance to themselves." + +"But is it a dishonest pursuit, father?" + +"As the times go, not necessarily, my dear; though it may readily become +so." + +"And is it disreputable, generally, with the world?" + +"That depends on circumstances, Anna. When the stock-jobber loses, he +is very apt to be condemned; but I rather think his character rises in +proportion to his gains. But why do you ask these singular questions, +love?" + +I thought I heard Anna breathe harder than usual, and it is certain that +she leaned far out of the window to pluck a rose. + +"Why, Mrs. Norton said Jack was not invited to Sir Harry Griffin's +because his father was a stock-jobber. Do you think she was right, sir?" + +"Very likely, my dear," returned the divine, who I fancied was smiling +at the question. "Sir Harry has the advantages of birth, and he probably +did not forget that our friend Jack was not so fortunate--and, moreover, +Sir Harry, while he values himself on his wealth, is not as rich as +Jack's father by a million or two--in other words, as they say on +'Change, Jack's father could buy ten of him. This motive was perhaps +more likely to influence him than the first. In addition, Sir Harry is +suspected of gambling himself in the funds through the aid of agents; +and a gentleman who resorts to such means to increase his fortune is a +little apt to exaggerate his social advantages by way of a set-off to +the humiliation." + +"And GENTLEMEN do really become stock-jobbers, father?" + +"Anna, the world has undergone great changes in my time. Ancient +opinions have been shaken, and governments themselves are getting to +be little better than political establishments to add facilities to the +accumulation of money. This is a subject, however, you cannot very well +understand, nor do I pretend to be very profound in it myself." + +"But is Jack's father really so very, very rich?" asked Anna, whose +thoughts had been wandering from the thread of those pursued by her +father. + +"He is believed to be so." + +"And Jack is his heir." + +"Certainly--he has no other child; though it is not easy to say what so +singular a being may do with his money." + +"I hope he will disinherit Jack!" + +"You surprise me, Anna! You, who are so mild and reasonable, to wish +such a misfortune to befall our young friend John Goldencalf!" I gazed +upward in astonishment at this extraordinary speech of Anna, and at the +moment I would have given all my interest in the fortune in question to +have seen her face (most of her body was out of the window, for I heard +her again rustling the bush above my head), in order to judge of her +motive by its expression; but an envious rose grew exactly in the only +spot where it was possible to get a glimpse. + +"Why do you wish so cruel a thing?" resumed Dr. Etherington, a little +earnestly. + +"Because I hate stock-jobbing and its riches, father. Were Jack poorer, +it seems to me he would be better esteemed." + +As this was uttered the dear girl drew back, and I then perceived that +I had mistaken her cheek for one of the largest and most blooming of the +flowers. Dr. Etherington laughed, and I distinctly heard him kiss the +blushing face of his daughter. I think I would have given up my hopes in +another million to have been the rector at Tenthpig at that instant. + +"If that be all, child," he answered, "set thy heart at rest. Jack's +money will never bring him into contempt unless through the use he may +make of it. Alas! Anna, we live in an age of corruption and cupidity! +Generous motives appear to be lost sight of in the general desire +of gain; and he who would manifest a disposition to a pure and +disinterested philanthropy is either distrusted as a hypocrite or +derided as a fool. The accursed revolution among our neighbors the +French has quite unsettled opinions, and religion itself has tottered +in the wild anarchy of theories to which it has given rise. There is no +worldly advantage that has been more austerely denounced by the divine +writers than riches, and yet it is fast rising to be the god of the +ascendant. To say nothing of an hereafter, society is getting to be +corrupted by it to the core, and even respect for birth is yielding to +the mercenary feeling." + +"And do you not think pride of birth, father, a mistaken prejudice as +well as pride of riches?" + +"Pride of any sort, my love, cannot exactly be defended on evangelical +principles; but surely some distinctions among men are necessary, even +for quiet. Were the levelling principle acknowledged, the lettered +and the accomplished must descend to an equality with the ignorant +and vulgar, since all men cannot rise to the attainments of the former +class, and the world would retrograde to barbarism. The character of +a Christian gentleman is much too precious to trifle with in order to +carry out an impracticable theory." + +Anna was silent. Probably she was confused between the opinions which +she most liked to cherish and the faint glimmerings of truth to which +we are reduced by the ordinary relations of life. As for the good rector +himself, I had no difficulty in understanding his bias, though neither +his premises nor his conclusions possessed the logical clearness that +used to render his sermons so delightful, more especially when he +preached about the higher qualities of the Saviour's dispensation, such +as charity, love of our fellows, and, in particular, the imperative duty +of humbling ourselves before God. + +A month after this accidental dialogue, chance made me auditor of what +passed between my ancestor and Sir Joseph Job, another celebrated dealer +in the funds, in an interview that took place in the house of the former +in Cheapside. As the difference was so PATENT, as the French express it, +I shall furnish the substance of what passed. + +"This is a serious and a most alarming movement, Mr. Goldencalf," +observed Sir Joseph, "and calls for union and cordiality among the +holders of property. Should these damnable opinions get fairly abroad +among the people, what would become of us? I ask, Mr. Goldencalf, what +would become of us?" + +"I agree with you, Sir Joseph, it is very alarming!--frightfully +alarming!" + +"We shall have agrarian laws, sir. Your money, sir, and mine--our hard +earnings--will become the prey of political robbers, and our children +will be beggared to satisfy the envious longings of some pitiful +scoundrel without a six-pence!" + +"'Tis a sad state of things, Sir Joseph; and government is very culpable +that it don't raise at least ten new regiments." + +"The worst of it is, good Mr. Goldencalf, that there are some +jack-a-napeses of the aristocracy who lead the rascals on and lend them +the sanction of their names. It is a great mistake, sir, that we give +so much importance to birth in this island, by which means proud beggars +set unwashed blackguards in motion, and the substantial subjects are the +sufferers. Property, sir, is in danger, and property is the only true +basis of society." + +"I am sure, Sir Joseph, I never could see the smallest use in birth." + +"It is of no use but to beget pensioners, Mr. Goldencalf. Now with +property it is a different thing--money is the parent of money, and +by money a state becomes powerful and prosperous. But this accursed +revolution among our neighbors the French has quite unsettled opinions, +and, alas! property is in perpetual danger!" + +"Sorry am I to say, I feel it to be so in every nerve of my body, Sir +Joseph." + +"We must unite and defend ourselves, Mr. Goldencalf, else both you and +I, men warm enough and substantial enough at present, will be in the +ditch. Do you not see that we are in actual danger of a division of +property?" + +"God forbid!" + +"Yes, sir, our sacred property is in danger!" + +Here Sir Joseph shook my father cordially by the hand and withdrew. I +find, by a memorandum among the papers of my deceased ancestor, that he +paid the broker of Sir Joseph, that day month, sixty-two thousand seven +hundred and twelve pounds difference (as bull and bear), owing to the +fact of the knight having got some secret information through a clerk in +one of the offices; an advantage that enabled him, in this instance, at +least, to make a better bargain than one who was generally allowed to be +among the shrewdest speculators on 'Change. + +My mind was of a nature to be considerably exercised (as the pious +purists express it), by becoming the depository of sentiments so +diametrically opposed to each other as those of Dr. Etherington and +those of Sir Joseph Job. On the one side, I was taught the degradation +of birth; on the other, the dangers of property. Anna was usually +my confidant, but on this subject I was tongue-tied, for I dared not +confess that I had overheard the discourse with her father, and I was +compelled to digest the contradictory doctrines by myself in the best +manner I could. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. SHOWING THE UPS AND DOWNS, THE HOPES AND FEARS, AND THE +VAGARIES OF LOVE, SOME VIEWS OF DEATH, AND AN ACCOUNT OF AN INHERITANCE. + + +From my twentieth to my twenty-third year no event occurred of any +great moment. The day I became of age my father settled on me a regular +allowance of a thousand a year, and I make no doubt I should have spent +my time much as other young men had it not been for the peculiarity +of my birth, which I now began to see was wanting in a few of the +requisites to carry me successfully through a struggle for place with +a certain portion of what is called the great world. While most were +anxious to trace themselves into obscurity, there was a singular +reluctance to effecting the object as clearly and as distinctly as +it was in my power to do. From all which, as well as from much other +testimony, I have been led to infer that the doses of mystification +which appear to be necessary to the happiness of the human race require +to be mixed with an experienced and a delicate hand. Our organs, both +physically and morally, are so fearfully constituted that they require +to be protected from realities. As the physical eye has need of clouded +glass to look steadily at the sun so it would seem the mind's eye has +also need of something smoky to look steadily at truth. But, while I +avoided laying open the secret of my heart to Anna, I sought various +opportunities to converse with Dr. Etherington and my father on +those points which gave me the most concern. From the first, I heard +principles which went to show that society was of necessity divided into +orders; that it was not only impolitic but wicked to weaken the barriers +by which they were separated; that Heaven had its seraphs and cherubs, +its archangels and angels, its saints and its merely happy, and that, +by obvious induction, this world ought to have its kings, lords, +and commons. The usual winding-up of all the Doctor's essays was a +lamentation on the confusion in classes that was visiting England as +a judgment. My ancestor, on the other hand, cared little for social +classification, or for any other conservatory expedient but force. On +this topic he would talk all day, regiments and bayonets glittering in +every sentence. When most eloquent on this theme he would cry (like Mr. +Manners Sutton), "ORDER--order!" nor can I recall a single disquisition +that did not end with, "Alas, Jack, property is in danger!" + +I shall not say that my mind entirely escaped confusion among these +conflicting opinions, although I luckily got a glimpse of one important +truth, for both the commentators cordially agreed in fearing and, of +necessity, in hating the mass of their fellow-creatures. My own natural +disposition was inclining to philanthropy, and as I was unwilling to +admit the truth of theories that arrayed me in open hostility against so +large a portion of mankind, I soon determined to set up one of my own, +which, while it avoided the faults, should include the excellences of +both the others. It was, of course, no great affair merely to form such +a resolution; but I shall have occasion to say a word hereafter on the +manner in which I attempted to carry it out in practice. + +Time moved on, and Anna became each day more beautiful. I thought that +she had lost some of her frankness and girlish gayety, it is true, after +the dialogue with her father; but this I attributed to the reserve +and discretion that became the expanding reason and greater feeling of +propriety that adorn young womanhood. With me she was always ingenuous +and simple, and were I to live a thousand years the angelic serenity +of countenance with which she invariably listened to the theories of my +busy brain would not be erased from recollection. + +We were talking of these things one morning quite alone. Anna heard me +when I was most sedate with manifest pleasure, and she smiled mournfully +when the thread of my argument was entangled by a vagary of the +imagination. I felt at my heart's core what a blessing such a mentor +would be, and how fortunate would be my lot could I succeed in securing +her for life. Still I did not, could not, summon courage to lay bare my +inmost thoughts, and to beg a boon that in these moments of transient +humility I feared I never should be worthy to possess. + +"I have even thought of marrying," I continued--so occupied with my own +theories as not to weigh, with the accuracy that becomes the frankness +and superior advantages which man possesses over the gentler sex, the +full import of my words; "could I find one, Anna, as gentle, as good, +as beautiful, and as wise as yourself who would consent to be mine, I +should not wait a minute; but, unhappily, I fear this is not likely to +be my blessed lot. I am not the grandson of a baronet, and your father +expects to unite you with one who can at least show that the 'bloody +hand' has once been born on his shield; and, on the other side, my +father talks of nothing but millions." During the first part of this +speech the amiable girl looked kindly up at me, and with a seeming +desire to soothe me; but at its close her eyes dropped upon her work +and she remained silent. "Your father says that every man who has an +interest in the state should give it pledges"--here Anna smiled, but +so covertly that her sweet mouth scarce betrayed the impulse--"and that +none others can ever control it to advantage. I have thought of asking +my father to buy a borough and a baronetcy, for with the first, and the +influence that his money gives, he need not long wish for the last; but +I never open my lips on any matter of the sort that he does not answer +'Fol lol der rol, Jack, with your knighthoods, and social order, and +bishoprics, and boroughs--property is in danger!--loans and regiments, +if thou wilt--give us more order "ORDER--order"--bayonets are what +we want, boy, and good wholesome taxes, to accustom the nation to +contribute to its own wants and to maintain its credit. Why, youngster, +if the interest on the debt were to remain unpaid twenty-four hours, +your body corporate, as you call it, would die a natural death; and what +would then become of your knights--barro-knights?--and barren enough +some of them are getting to be by their wastefulness and extravagance. +Get thee married, Jack, and settle prudently. There is neighbor +Silverpenny has an only daughter of a suitable age; and a good hussy is +she in the bargain. The only daughter of Oliver Silverpenny will be a +suitable wife for the only son of Thomas Goldencalf; though I give thee +notice, boy, that thou wilt be cut off with a competency; so keep thy +head clear of extravagant castle-building, learn economy in season, and, +above all, make no debts.'" Anna laughed as I humorously imitated the +well-known intonations of Mr. Speaker Sutton, but a cloud darkened her +bright features when I concluded. + +"Yesterday I mentioned the subject to your father," I resumed, "and he +thought with me that the idea of the borough and the baronetcy was a +good one. 'You would be the second of your line, Jack,' he said, 'and +that is always better than being the first; for there is no security for +a man's being a good member of society like that of his having presented +to his eyes the examples of those who have gone before him, and who have +been distinguished by their services or their virtues. If your father +would consent to come into parliament and sustain government at this +critical moment, his origin would be overlooked, and you would have +pride in looking back on his acts. As it is, I fear his whole soul is +occupied with the unworthy and debasing passion of mere gain. Money is a +necessary auxiliary to rank, and without rank there can be no order, and +without order no liberty; but when the love of money gets to occupy the +place of respect for descent and past actions, a community loses the +very sentiment on which all its noble exploits are bottomed.' So you +see, dear Anna, that our parents hold very different opinions on a very +grave question, and between natural affection and acquired veneration I +scarcely know which to receive. If I could find one sweet, and wise, and +beautiful as thou, and who could pity me, I would marry to-morrow, and +cast all the future on the happiness that is to be found with such a +companion." + +As usual, Anna heard me in silence. That she did not, however, view +matrimony with exactly the same eyes as myself was clearly proved the +very next day, for young Sir Harry Griffin (the father was dead) offered +in form and was very decidedly refused. + +Although I was always happy at the rectory, I could not help feeling +rather than seeing that, as the French express it, I occupied a false +position in society. Known to be the expectant of great wealth, it was +not easy to be overlooked altogether in a country whose government is +based on a representation of property, and in which boroughs are openly +in market; and yet they who had obtained the accidental advantage +of having their fortunes made by their grandfathers were constantly +convincing me that mine, vast as it was thought to be, was made by my +father. Ten thousand times did I wish (as it has since been expressed +by the great captain of the age), that I had been my own grandson; for +notwithstanding the probability that he who is nearest to the founder of +a fortune is the most likely to share the largest in its accumulations, +as he who is nearest in descent to the progenitor who has illustrated +his race is the most likely to feel the influence of his character, +I was not long in perceiving that in highly refined and intellectual +communities the public sentiment, as it is connected with the respect +and influence that are the meed of both, directly refutes the inferences +of all reasonable conjectures on the subject. I was out of my place, +uneasy, ashamed, proud, and resentful; in short I occupied a FALSE +POSITION, and unluckily one from which I saw no plausible retreat +except by falling back on Lombard street or by cutting my throat. +Anna alone--kind, gentle, serene-eyed Anna--entered into all my joys, +sympathized in my mortifications, and appeared to view me as I was; +neither dazzled by my wealth nor repelled by my origin. The day she +refused young Sir Harry Griffin I could have kneeled at her feet and +called her blessed! + +It is said that no moral disease is ever benefited by its study. I was a +living proof of the truth of the opinion that brooding over one's wrongs +or infirmities seldom does much more than aggravate the evil. I greatly +fear it is in the nature of man to depreciate the advantages he actually +enjoys and to exaggerate those which are denied him. Fifty times during +the six months that succeeded the repulse of the young baronet did I +resolve to take heart and to throw myself at the feet of Anna, and as +often was I deterred by the apprehension that I had nothing to render +me worthy of one so excellent, and especially of one who was the +granddaughter of the seventh English baronet. I do not pretend to +explain the connection between cause and effect, for I am neither +physician nor metaphysician; but the tumult of spirits that resulted +from so many doubts, hopes, fears, resolutions, and breakings of +resolutions, began to affect my health, and I was just about to yield to +the advice of my friends (among whom Anna was the most earnest and +the most sorrowful), to travel, when an unexpected call to attend the +death-bed of my ancestor was received. I tore myself from the rectory +and hurried up to town with the diligence and assiduity of an only son +and heir summoned on an occasion so solemn. + +I found my ancestor still in the possession of his senses, though +given over by the physicians; a circumstance that proved a degree of +disinterestedness and singleness of purpose on their part that was +scarcely to be expected towards a patient who it was commonly believed +was worth more than a million. My reception by the servants and by the +two or three friends who had assembled on this melancholy occasion, too, +was sympathizing, warm, and of a character to show their solicitude and +forethought. + +My reception by the sick man was less marked. The total abstraction of +his faculties in the one great pursuit of his life; a certain sternness +of purpose which is apt to get the ascendant with those who are resolute +to gain, and which usually communicates itself to the manners; and an +absence of those kinder ties that are developed by the exercise of the +more familiar charities of our existence had opened a breach between +us that was not to be filled by the simple unaided fact of natural +affinity. I say of natural affinity, for notwithstanding the doubts that +cast their shadows on that branch of my genealogical tree by which I +was connected with my maternal grandfather, the title of the king to +his crown is not more apparent than was my direct lineal descent from +my father. I always believed him to be my ancestor de jure as well as +de facto, and could fain have loved him and honored him as such had my +natural yearnings been met with more lively bowels of sympathy on his +side. + +Notwithstanding the long and unnatural estrangement that had thus +existed between the father and son, the meeting on the present occasion +was not entirely without some manifestations of feeling. + +"Thou art come at last, Jack," said my ancestor; "I was afraid, boy, +thou might'st be too late." + +The difficult breathing, haggard countenance, and broken utterance of my +father struck me with awe. This was the first death-bed by which I had +ever stood; and the admonishing picture of time passing into eternity +was indelibly stamped on my memory. It was not only a death-bed scene, +but it was a family death-bed scene. I know not how it was, but I +thought my ancestor looked more like the Goldencalfs than I had ever +seen him look before. + +"Thou hast come at last, Jack," he repeated, "and I'm glad of it. Thou +art the only being in whom I have now any concern. It might have been +better, perhaps, had I lived more with my kind--but thou wilt be the +gainer. Ah! Jack, we are but miserable mortals after all! To be called +away so suddenly and so young!" + +My ancestor had seen his seventy-fifth birthday; but unhappily he had +not settled all his accounts with the world, although he had given the +physician his last fee and sent the parson away with a donation to the +poor of the parish that would make even a beggar merry for a whole life. + +"Thou art come at last, Jack! Well, my loss will be thy gain, boy! Send +the nurse from the room." + +I did as commanded, and we were left to ourselves. + +"Take this key," handing me one from beneath his pillow, "and open the +upper drawer of my secretary. Bring me the packet which is addressed to +thyself." + +I silently obeyed; when my ancestor, first gazing at it with a sadness +that I cannot well describe--for it was neither worldly nor quite of an +ethereal character, but a singular and fearful compound of both--put the +papers into my hand, relinquishing his hold slowly and with reluctance. + +"Thou wilt wait till I am out of thy sight, Jack?" + +A tear burst from out its source and fell upon the emaciated hand of +my father. He looked at me wistfully, and I felt a slight pressure that +denoted affection. + +"It might have been better, Jack, had we known more of each other. But +Providence made me fatherless, and I have lived childless by my own +folly. Thy mother was a saint, I believe; but I fear I learned it too +late. Well, a blessing often comes at the eleventh hour!" + +As my ancestor now manifested a desire not to be disturbed, I called the +nurse and quitted the room, retiring to my own modest chamber, where the +packet, a large bundle of papers sealed and directed to myself in the +handwriting of the dying man, was carefully secured under a good lock. I +did not meet my father again but once under circumstances which admitted +of intelligible communion. From the time of our first interview he +gradually grew worse, his reason tottered, and, like the sinful cardinal +of Shakespeare, "he died and gave no sign." + +Three days after my arrival, however, I was left alone with him, and +he suddenly revived from a state approaching to stupor. It was the only +time since the first interview in which he had seemed even to know me. + +"Thou art come at last!" he said, in a tone that was already sepulchral. +"Canst tell me, boy, why they had golden rods to measure the city?" His +nurse had been reading to him a chapter of the Revelations which had +been selected by himself. "Thou seest, lad, the wall itself was of +jasper and the city was of pure gold--I shall not need money in my +new habitation--ha! it will not be wanted there!--I am not crazed, +Jack--would I had loved gold less and my kind more. The city itself is +of pure gold and the walls of jasper--precious abode!--ha! Jack, thou +hearest, boy--I am happy--too happy, Jack!--gold--gold!" + +The final words were uttered with a shout. They were the last that +ever came from the lips of Thomas Goldencalf. The noise brought in the +attendants, who found him dead. I ordered the room to be cleared as soon +as the melancholy truth was fairly established, and remained several +minutes alone with the body. The countenance was set in death. The eyes, +still open, had that revolting glare of frenzied delight with which the +spirit had departed, and the whole face presented the dread picture of a +hopeless end. I knelt and, though a Protestant, prayed fervently for the +soul of the deceased. I then took my leave of the first and the last of +all my ancestors. + +To this scene succeeded the usual period of outward sorrow, the +interment, and the betrayal of the expectations of the survivors. I +observed that the house was much frequented by many who rarely or never +had crossed its threshold during the life of its late owner. There was +much cornering, much talking in an undertone, and looking at me that +I did not understand, and gradually the number of regular visitors +increased until it amounted to about twenty. Among them were the parson +of the parish, the trustees of several notorious charities, three +attorneys, four or five well-known dealers of the stock exchange, +foremost among whom was Sir Joseph Job, and three of the professionally +benevolent, or of those whose sole occupation appears to be that of +quickening the latent charities of their neighbors. + +The day after my ancestor was finally removed from our sight, the house +was more than usually crowded. The secret conferences increased both in +earnestness and in frequency, and finally I was summoned to meet these +ill-timed guests in the room which had been the sanctum sanctorum of +the late owner of the dwelling. As I entered among twenty strange faces, +wondering why I, who had hitherto passed through life so little heeded, +should be unseasonably importuned, Sir Joseph Job presented himself as +the spokesman of the party. + +"We have sent for you, Mr. Goldencalf," the knight commenced, +decently wiping his eyes, "because we think that respect for our late +much-esteemed, most excellent, and very respectable friend requires that +we no longer neglect his final pleasure, but that we should proceed at +once to open his will, in order that we may take prompt measures for its +execution. It would have been more regular had we done this before he +was interred, for we cannot have foreseen his pleasure concerning his +venerable remains; but it is fully my determination to have everything +done as he has ordered, even though we may be compelled to disinter the +body." + +I am habitually quiescent, and possibly credulous, but nature has not +denied me a proper spirit. What Sir Joseph Job, or any one but myself, +had to do with the will of my ancestor did not strike me at first +sight; and I took care to express as much, in terms it was not easy to +misunderstand. + +"The only child and, indeed, the only known relative of the deceased," I +said, "I do not well see, gentlemen, how this subject should interest in +this lively manner so many strangers!" + +"Very spirited and proper, no doubt, sir," returned Sir Joseph, smiling; +"but you ought to know, young gentleman, that if there are such things +as heirs there are also such things as executors!" + +This I did know already, and I had also somewhere imbibed an opinion +that the latter was commonly the most lucrative situation. + +"Have you any reason to suppose, Sir Joseph Job, that my late father has +selected you to fulfil this trust?" + +"That will be better known in the end, young gentleman. Your late father +is known to have died rich, very rich--not that he has left as much by +half a million as vulgar report will have it--but what I should term +comfortably off; and it is unreasonable to suppose that a man of +his great caution and prudence should suffer his money to go to the +heir-at-law, that heir being a youth only in his twenty-third year, +ignorant of business, not over-gifted with experience, and having the +propensities of all his years in this ill-behaving and extravagant age, +without certain trusts and provisions which will leave his hard earnings +for some time to come under the care of men who like himself know the +full value of money." + +"No, never!--'tis quite impossible--'tis more than impossible!" +exclaimed the bystanders, all shaking their heads. + +"And the late Mr. Goldencalf, too, intimate with most of the substantial +names on 'Change, and particularly with Sir Joseph Job!" added another. + +Sir Joseph Job nodded his head, smiled, stroked his chin, and stood +waiting for my reply. + +"Property is in danger, Sir Joseph," I said, ironically; "but it matters +not. If there is a will, it is as much my interest to know it as it can +possibly be yours; and I am quite willing that a search be made on the +spot." + +Sir Joseph looked daggers at me; but being a man of business he took +me at my word, and, receiving the keys I offered, a proper person was +immediately set to work to open the drawers. The search was continued +for four hours without success. Every private drawer was rummaged, every +paper opened, and many a curious glance was cast at the contents of the +latter, in order to get some clew to the probable amount of the assets +of the deceased. Consternation and uneasiness very evidently increased +among most of the spectators as the fruitless examination proceeded; and +when the notary ended, declaring that no will was to be found, nor any +evidence of credits, every eye was fastened on me as if I were suspected +of stealing that which in the order of nature was likely to be my own +without the necessity of crime. + +"There must be a secret repository of papers somewhere," said Sir Joseph +Job, as if he suspected more than he wished just then to express; "Mr. +Goldencalf is largely a creditor on the public books, and yet here is +not so much as a scrip for a pound!" + +I left the room and soon returned, bringing with me the bundle that had +been committed to me by my father. + +"Here, gentlemen," I said, "is a large packet of papers that were given +to me by the deceased on his death-bed with his own hands. It is, as +you see, sealed with his seal and especially addressed to me in his own +handwriting, and it is not violent to suppose that the contents concern +me only. Still, as you take so great an interest in the affairs of the +deceased, it shall now be opened, and those contents, so far as you can +have any right to know them, shall not be hid from you." + +I thought Sir Joseph looked grave when he saw the packet and had +examined the handwriting of the envelope. All, however, expressed their +satisfaction that the search was now most probably ended. I broke the +seals and exposed the contents of the envelope. Within it there were +several smaller packets, each sealed with the seal of the deceased, and +each addressed to me in his own handwriting like the external covering. +Each of these smaller packets, too, had a separate indorsement of its +contents. Taking them as they lay, I read aloud the nature of each +before I proceeded to the next. They were also numbered. + +"No. 1," I commenced. "Certificates of public stock held by Tho. +Goldencalf, June 12th, 1815." We were now at June 29th of the same year. +As I laid aside this packet I observed that the sum indorsed on its +back greatly exceeded a million. "No. 2. Certificates of Bank of England +stock." This sum was several hundred thousands of pounds. "No. 3. South +Sea Annuities." Nearly three hundred thousand pounds. "No. 4. Bonds and +mortgages." Four hundred and thirty thousand pounds. "No. 5. The bond of +Sir Joseph Job for sixty-three thousand pounds." + +I laid down the paper and involuntarily exclaimed, "Property is in +danger!" Sir Joseph turned pale, but he beckoned to me to proceed, +saying, "We shall soon come to the will, sir." + +"No. 6.--" I hesitated; for it was an assignment to myself, which +from its very nature I perceived was an abortive attempt to escape the +payment of the legacy duty. + +"Well, sir, No. 6?" inquired Sir Joseph, with tremulous exultation. + +"Is an instrument affecting myself, and with which you have no concern, +sir." + +"We shall see, sir, we shall see, sir--if you refuse to exhibit the +paper there are laws to compel you." + +"To do what, Sir Joseph Job? To exhibit to my father's debtors' papers +that are exclusively addressed to me and which can affect me only? But +here is the paper, gentlemen, that you so much desire to see. 'No. 7. +The last will and testament of Tho. Goldencalf, dated June 17th, 1816.'" +(He died June the 24th of the same year.) + +"Ah! the precious instrument!" exclaimed Sir Joseph Job, eagerly +extending his hand as if expecting to receive the will. + +"This paper, as you perceive, gentlemen," I said, holding it up in +a manner that all present might see it, "is especially addressed to +myself, and it shall not quit my hands until I learn that some other has +a better right to it." + +I confess my heart failed me as I broke the seals, for I had seen but +little of my father and I knew that he had been a man of very peculiar +opinions as well as habits. The will was all in his own handwriting, and +it was very short. Summoning courage I read it aloud in the following +words: + +"In the name of God--Amen: I, Tho. Goldencalf, of the parish of Bow, in +the city of London, do publish and declare this instrument to be my last +will and testament: + +"That is to say; I bequeath to my only child and much-beloved son, John +Goldencalf, all my real estate in the parish of Bow and city of London, +aforesaid, to be held in free-simple by him, his heirs, and assigns, +forever. + +"I bequeath to my said only child and much-beloved son, John Goldencalf, +all my personal property of every sort and description whatever of which +I may die possessed, including bonds and mortgages, public debt, bank +stock, notes of hand, goods and chattels, and all others of my effects, +to him, his heirs, or assigns. + +"I nominate and appoint my said much-beloved son, John Goldencalf, to +be the sole executor of this my last will and testament, counselling him +not to confide in any of those who may profess to have been my +friends; and particularly to turn a deaf ear to all the pretensions and +solicitations of Sir Joseph Job, Knight. In witness whereof," etc., etc. + +This will was duly executed, and it was witnessed by the nurse, his +confidential clerk, and the housemaid. + +"Property is in danger, Sir Joseph!" I dryly remarked, as I gathered +together the papers in order to secure them. + +"This will may be set aside, gentlemen!" cried the knight in a fury. "It +contains a libel!" + +"And for whose benefit, Sir Joseph?" I quietly inquired. "With or +without the will my title to my father's assets would seem to be equally +valid." + +This was so evidently true that the more prudent retired in silence; +and even Sir Joseph after a short delay, during which he appeared to be +strangely agitated, withdrew. The next week his failure was announced, +in consequence of some extravagant risks on 'Change, and eventually I +received but three shillings and fourpence in the pound for my bond of +sixty-three thousand. + +When the money was paid I could not help exclaiming mentally, "Property +is in danger!" + +The following morning Sir Joseph Job balanced his account with the world +by cutting his throat. + + + + +CHAPTER V. ABOUT THE SOCIAL-STAKE SYSTEM, THE DANGERS OF CONCENTRATION, +AND OTHER MORAL AND IMMORAL CURIOSITIES. + + +The affairs of my father were almost as easy of settlement as those of a +pauper. In twenty-four hours I was completely master of them, and found +myself if not the richest, certainly one of the richest subjects +of Europe. I say subjects, for sovereigns frequently have a way of +appropriating the effects of others that would render a pretension to +rivalry ridiculous. Debts there were none: and if there had been, ready +money was not wanting; the balance in cash in my favor at the bank +amounted in itself to a fortune. + +The reader may now suppose that I was perfectly happy. Without a +solitary claim on either my time or my estate, I was in the enjoyment +of an income that materially exceeded the revenues of many reigning +princes. I had not an ex-pensive nor a vicious habit of any sort. Of +houses, horses, hounds, packs, and menials, there were none to vex or +perplex me. In every particular save one I was completely my own master. +That one was the near, dear, cherished sentiment that rendered Anna in +my eyes an angel (and truly she was little short of it in those of other +people), and made her the polar star to which every wish pointed. How +gladly would I have paid half a million just then to be the grandson of +a baronet with precedency from the seventeenth century! + +There was, however, another and a present cause for un-easiness that +gave me even more concern than the fact that my family reached the dark +ages with so much embarrassing facility. In witnessing the dying agony +of my ancestor I had got a dread lesson on the vanity, the hopeless +character, the dangers, and the delusions of wealth that time can never +eradicate. The history of its accumulation was ever present to mar the +pleasure of its possession. I do not mean that I suspected what by +the world's convention is deemed dishonesty--of that there had been no +necessity--but simply that the heartless and estranged existence, +the waste of energies, the blunted charities, and the isolated and +distrustful habits of my father appeared to me to be but poorly requited +by the joyless ownership of its millions. I would have given largely +to be directed in such a way as while escaping the wastefulness of the +shoals of Scylla I might in my own case steer clear of the miserly rocks +of Charybdis. + +When I drove from between the smoky lines of the London houses into the +green fields and amid the blossoming hedges, this earth looked beautiful +and as if it were made to be loved. I saw in it the workmanship of a +divine and beneficent Creator, and it was not difficult to persuade +myself that he who dwelt in the confusion of a town in order to transfer +gold from the pocket of his neighbor to his own had mistaken the objects +of his being. My poor ancestor who had never quitted London stood before +me with his dying regrets; and my first resolution was to live in open +communion with my kind. So intense, indeed, did my anxiety to execute +this purpose become that it might have led even to frenzy had not a +fortunate circumstance interposed to save me from so dire a calamity. + +The coach in which I had taken passage (for I purposely avoided the +parade and trouble of post-chaise and servants), passed through a market +town of known loyalty on the eve of a contested election. This appeal +to the intelligence and patriotism of the constituency had occurred in +consequence of the late incumbent having taken office. The new minister, +for he was a member of the cabinet, had just ended his canvass, and he +was about to address his fellow-subjects from a window of the tavern in +which he lodged. Fatigued, but ready to seek mental relief by any means, +I threw myself from the coach, secured a room, and made one of the +multitude. + +The favorite candidate occupied a large balcony surrounded by his +principal friends, among whom it was delightful to see earls, lords +John, baronets, dignitaries of the church, tradesmen of influence in +the borough, and even a mechanic or two, all squeezed together in the +agreeable amalgamation of political affinity. Here then, thought I, is +an example of the heavenly charities I The candidate himself, the son +and heir of a peer, feels that he is truly of the same flesh and +blood as his constituents; how amiably he smiles!--how bland are +his manners!--and with what cordiality does he shake hands with the +greasiest and the worst! There must be a corrective to human pride, a +stimulus to the charities, a never-ending lesson of benevolence in +this part of our excellent system, and I will look farther into it. The +candidate appeared and his harangue commenced. + +Memory would fail me were I to attempt recording the precise language +of the orator, but his opinions and precepts are so deeply graven on my +recollection that I do not fear misrepresenting them. He commenced +with a very proper and eloquent eulogium on the constitution, which +he fearlessly pronounced to be in its way the very perfection of human +reason; in proof of which he adduced the well-ascertained fact that it +had always been known throughout the vicissitudes and trials of so many +centuries to accommodate itself to circumstances, abhorring change. +"Yes, my friends," he exclaimed, in a burst of patriotic and +constitutional fervor, "whether under the roses or the lilies--the +Tudors, the Stuarts, or the illustrious house of Brunswick, this +glorious structure has resisted the storms of faction, has been able to +receive under its sheltering roof the most opposite elements of domestic +strife, affording protection, warmth, aye, and food and raiment"-(here +the orator happily laid his hand on the shoulder of a butcher, who +wore a frieze overcoat that made him look not unlike a stall-fed +beast)--"yes, food and raiment, victuals and drink, to the meanest +subject in the realm. Nor is this all; it is a constitution peculiarly +English: and who is there so base, so vile, so untrue to himself, to his +fathers, to his descendants, as to turn his back on a constitution +that is thoroughly and inherently English, a constitution that he has +inherited from his ancestors, and which by every obligation both human +and divine he is bound to transmit unchanged to posterity";--here the +orator, who continued to speak, however, was deafened by shouts of +applause, and that part of the subject might very fairly be considered +as definitively settled. + +From the constitution as a whole the candidate next proceeded to +extol the particular feature of it that was known as the borough of +Householder. According to his account of this portion of the government, +its dwellers were animated by the noblest spirit of independence, the +most rooted determination to uphold the ministry of which he was the +least worthy member, and were distinguished by what in an ecstasy of +political eloquence he happily termed the most freeborn understanding +of its rights and privileges. This loyal and judicious borough had +never been known to waste its favors on those who had not a stake in the +community. It understood that fundamental principle of good government +which lays down the axiom that none were to be trusted but those who +had a visible and an extended interest in the country; for without these +pledges of honesty and independence what had the elector to expect +but bribery and corruption--a traffic in his dearest rights, and a +bargaining that might destroy the glorious institutions under which he +dwelt. This part of the harangue was listened to in respectful silence, +and shortly after the orator concluded; when the electors dispersed, +with, no doubt, a better opinion of themselves and the constitution than +it had probably been their good fortune to entertain since the previous +election. + +Accident placed me at dinner (the house being crowded) at the same table +with an attorney who had been very active the whole morning among the +Householders, and who I soon learned, from himself, was the especial +agent of the owner of the independent borough in question. He told me +that he had came down with the expectation of disposing of the whole +property to Lord Pledge, the ministerial candidate named; but the means +had not been forthcoming as he had been led to hope, and the bargain +was unluckily broken off at the very moment when it was of the utmost +importance to know to whom the independent electors rightfully belonged. + +"His lordship, however," continued the attorney, winking, "has done what +is handsome; and there can be no more doubt of his election than there +would be of yours did you happen to own the borough." + +"And is the property now open for sale?" I asked. + +"Certainly-my principal can hold out no longer. The price is settled, +and I have his power of attorney to make the preliminary bargain. 'Tis +a thousand pities that the public mind should be left in this undecided +state on the eve of an election." + +"Then, sir, I will be the purchaser." + +My companion looked at me with astonishment and doubt. He had transacted +too much business of this nature, however, not to feel his way before he +was either off or on. + +"The price of the estate is three hundred and twenty-five thousand +pounds, sir, and the rental is only six!" + +"Be it so. My name is Goldencalf: by accompanying me to town you shall +receive the money." + +"Goldencalf! What, sir, the only son and heir of the late Thomas +Goldencalf of Cheapside?" + +"The same. My father has not been dead a month." + +"Pardon me, sir--convince me of your identity--we must be particular in +matters of this sort--and you shall have possession of the property in +season to secure your own election or that of any of your friends. I +will return Lord Pledge his small advances, and another time he will +know better than to fail of keeping his promises. What is a borough good +for if a nobleman's word is not sacred? You will find the electors, in +particular, every way worthy of your favor. They are as frank, loyal, +and straightforward a constituency as any in England. No skulking behind +the ballot for them!--and in all respects they are fearless Englishmen +who will do what they say, and say whatever their landlord shall please +to require of them." + +As I had sundry letters and other documents about me, nothing was easier +than to convince the attorney of my identity. He called for pen and +ink; drew out of his pocket the contract that had been prepared for Lord +Pledge; gave it to me to read; filled the blanks; and affixing his +name, called the waiters as witnesses, and presented me the paper with a +promptitude and respect that I found really delightful. So much, thought +I, for having given pledges to society by the purchase of a borough. I +drew on my bankers for three hundred and twenty-five thousand pounds, +and arose from table virtually the owner of the estate of Householder +and of the political consciences of its tenantry. + +A fact so important could not long be unknown; and in a few minutes all +eyes in the coffee-room were upon me. The landlord presented himself and +begged I would do him the honor to take possession of his family parlor, +there being no other at his disposal. I was hardly installed before a +servant in a handsome livery presented the following note. + +"DEAR MR. GOLDENCALF: + +"I have this moment heard of your being in town, and am exceedingly +rejoiced to learn it. A long intimacy with your late excellent and most +loyal father justifies my claiming you for a friend, and I waive all +ceremony (official, of course, is meant, there being no reason for any +other between us), and beg to be admitted for half an hour. + +"Dear Mr. Goldencalf," + +"Yours very faithfully and sincerely," + +"PLEDGE." + +"--GOLDENCALF, Esquire." + +"Monday evening." + +I begged that the noble visitor might not be made to wait a moment. +Lord Pledge met me like an old and intimate friend. He made a hundred +handsome inquiries after my dead ancestor; spoke feelingly of his regret +at not having been summoned to attend his death-bed; and then very +ingenuously and warmly congratulated me on my succession to so large a +property. + +"I hear, too, you have bought this borough, my dear sir. I could not +make it convenient just at this particular moment to conclude my own +arrangement--but it is a good thing. Three hundred and twenty thousand, +I suppose, as was mentioned between me and the other party?" + +"Three hundred and twenty-five thousand, Lord Pledge." + +I perceived by the countenance of the noble candidate that I had paid +the odd five thousand as a fine--a circumstance which accounted for +the promptitude of the attorney in the transaction, he most probably +pocketing the difference himself. + +"You mean to sit, of course?" + +"I do, my lord, as one of the members, at the next general election; but +at present I shall be most happy to aid your return." + +"My dear Mr. Goldencalf--" + +"Really, without presuming to compliment, Lord Pledge, the noble +sentiments I heard you express this morning were so very proper, +so exceedingly statesmanlike, so truly English, that I shall feel +infinitely more satisfaction in knowing that you fill the vacant seat +than if it were in my own possession." + +"I honor your public spirit, Mr. Goldencalf, and only wish to God there +was more of it in the world. But you can count on our friendship, sir. +What you have just remarked is true, very true, only too true, true to +a hair-a-a-a--I mean, my dear Mr. Goldencalf, most especially those +sentiments of mine which-a-a-a-I say it, before God, without vanity--but +which, as you have so very ably intimated, are so truly proper and +English." + +"I sincerely think so, Lord Pledge, or I should not have said it. I am +peculiarly situated myself. With an immense fortune, without rank, name, +or connections, nothing is easier than for one of my years to be led +astray; and it is my ardent desire to hit upon some expedient that may +connect me properly with society." + +"Marry, my dear young friend--select a wife from among the fair and +virtuous of this happy isle--unluckily I can propose nothing in this way +myself--for both my own sisters are disposed of." + +"I have made choice, already, I thank you a thousand times, my dear +Lord Pledge; although I scarcely dare execute my own wishes. There are +objections--if I were only the child, now, of a baronet's second son, +or--" + +"Become a baronet yourself," once more interrupted my noble friend, with +an evident relief from suspense; for I verily believe he thought I was +about to ask for something better. "Your affair shall be arranged by the +end of the week--and if there is anything else I can do for you, I beg +you to name it without reserve." + +"If I could hear a few more of those remarkable sentiments of yours, +concerning the stake we should all have in society, I think it would +relieve my mind." + +My companion looked at me a moment with a very awkward sort of +an intensity, drew his hand across his brows, reflected, and then +obligingly complied. + +"You attach too much importance, Mr. Goldencalf, to a few certainly very +just but very ill-arranged ideas. That a man without a proper stake in +society is little better than the beasts of the fields, I hold to be +so obvious that it is unnecessary to dwell on the point. Reason as you +will, forward or backward, you arrive at the same result--he that hath +nothing is usually treated by mankind little better than a dog, and +he that is little better than a dog usually has nothing. Again. What +distinguishes the savage from the civilized man? Why, civilization to +be sure. Now, what is civilization? The arts of life. What feeds, +nourishes, sustains the arts of life? Money or property. By consequence, +civilization is property, and property is civilization. If the control +of a country is in the hands of those who possess the property, the +government is a civilized government; but, on the other hand, if it +is in the hands of those who have no property, the government is +necessarily an uncivilized government. It is quite impossible that +any one should become a safe statesman who does not possess a direct +property interest in society. You know there is not a tyro of our +political sect who does not fully admit the truth of this axiom." + +"Mr. Pitt?" + +"Why, Pitt was certainly an exception in one way; but then, you will +recollect, he was the immediate representative of the tories, who own +most of the property of England." + +"Mr. Fox?" + +"Fox represented the whigs, who own all the rest, you know. No, my +dear Goldencalf, reason as you will, we shall always arrive at the same +results. You will, of course, as you have just said, take one of the +seats yourself at the next general election?" + +"I shall be too proud of being your colleague to hesitate." + +This speech sealed our friendship; for it was a pledge to my noble +acquaintance of his future connection with the borough. He was much too +high-bred to express his thanks in vulgar phrases (though high-breeding +rarely exhibits all its finer qualities pending an election), but--a man +of the world, and one of a class whose main business it is to put the +suaviter in modo, as the French have it en evidence,--the reader may +be sure that when we parted that night I was in perfect good humor with +myself and, as a matter of course, with my new acquaintance. + +The next day the canvass was renewed, and we had another convincing +speech on the subject of the virtue of "a stake in society"; for Lord +Pledge was tactician enough to attack the citadel, once assured of its +weak point, rather than expend his efforts on the outworks of the place. +That night the attorney arrived from town with the title-deeds all +properly executed (they had been some time in preparation for Lord +Pledge), and the following morning early the tenants were served with +the usual notices, with a handsomely expressed sentiment on my part in +favor of "a stake in society." About noon Lord Pledge walked over the +course, as it is expressed at Newmarket and Doncaster. After dinner we +separated, my noble friend returning to town, while I pursued my way to +the rectory. + +Anna never appeared more fresh, more serene, more elevated above +mortality, than when we met, a week after I had quitted Householder, in +the breakfast-parlor of her father's abode. + +"You are beginning to look like yourself again, Jack," she said, +extending her hand with the simple cordiality of an Englishwoman; "and I +hope we shall find you more rational." + +"Ah, Anna, if I could only presume to throw myself at your feet, and +tell you how much and what I feel, I should be the happiest fellow in +all England." + +"As it is you are the most miserable!" the laughing girl answered +as, crimsoned to the temples, she drew away the hand I was foolishly +pressing against my heart. "Let us go to breakfast, Mr. Goldencalf--my +father has ridden across the country to visit Dr. Liturgy." + +"Anna," I said, after seating myself and taking a cup of tea from +fingers that were rosy as the morn, "I fear you are the greatest enemy +that I have on earth." + +"John Goldencalf!" exclaimed the startled girl, turning pale and then +flushing violently. "Pray explain yourself." + +"I love you to my heart's core--could marry you, and then, I fear, +worship you, as man never before worshipped woman." + +Anna laughed faintly. + +"And you feel in danger of the sin of idolatry?" she at length succeeded +in saying. + +"No, I am in danger of narrowing my sympathies--of losing a broad and +safe hold of life--of losing my proper stake in society--of--in short, +of becoming as useless to my fellows as my poor, poor father, and of +making an end as miserable. Oh! Anna, could you have witnessed the +hopelessness of that death-bed, you could never wish me a fate like +his!" + +My pen is unequal to convey an adequate idea of the expression with +which Anna regarded me. Wonder, doubt, apprehension, affection, and +anguish were all beaming in her eyes; but the unnatural brightness of +these conflicting sentiments was tempered by a softness that resembled +the pearly lustre of an Italian sky. + +"If I yield to my fondness, Anna, in what will my condition differ from +that of my miserable father's? He concentrated his feelings in the love +of money, and I--yes, I feel it here, I know it is here--I should love +you so intensely as to shut out every generous sentiment in favor of +others. I have a fearful responsibility on my shoulders--wealth, gold; +gold beyond limits; and to save my very soul I must extend not narrow my +interest in my fellow-creatures. Were there a hundred such Annas I might +press you all to my heart--but, one!--no--no--'twould be misery--'twould +be perdition! The very excess of such a passion would render me a +heartless miser, unworthy of the confidence of my fellow-men!" + +The radiant and yet serene eyes of Anna seemed to read my soul; and when +I had done speaking she arose, stole timidly to my side of the table, as +woman approaches when she feels most, placed her velvet-like hand on +my burning forehead, pressed its throbbing pulses gently to her heart, +burst into tears, and fled. + +We dined alone, nor did we meet again until the dinner hour. The manner +of Anna was soothing, gentle, even affectionate; but she carefully +avoided the subject of the morning. As for myself, I was constantly +brooding over the danger of concentrating interests, and of the +excellence of the social-stake system. "Your spirits will be better, +Jack, in a day or two," said Anna, when we had taken wine after the +soup. "Country air and old friends will restore your freshness and +color." + +"If there were a thousand Annas I could be happy as man was never happy +before! But I must not, dare not, lessen my hold on society." + +"All of which proves my insufficiency to render you happy. But here +comes Francis with yesterday morning's paper--let us see what society is +about in London." + +After a few moments of intense occupation with the journal, an +exclamation of pleasure and surprise escaped the sweet girl. On raising +my eyes I saw her gazing (as I fancied) fondly at myself. + +"Read what you have that seems to give you so much pleasure." + +She complied, reading with an eager and tremulous voice the following +paragraph: + +"His majesty has been most graciously pleased to raise John Goldencalf +of Householder Hall, in the county of Dorset, and of Cheapside, Esquire, +to the dignity of a baronet of the united kingdoms of Great Britain and +Ireland." + +"Sir John Goldencalf, I have the honor to drink to your health and +happiness!" cried the delighted girl, brightening like the dawn, and +wetting her pouting lip with liquor less ruby than itself. "Here, +Francis, fill a bumper and drink to the new baronet." + +The gray-headed butler did as ordered with a very good grace, and then +hurried into the servants' hall to communicate the news. + +"Here at least, Jack, is a new hold that society has on you, whatever +hold you may have on society." + +I was pleased because she was pleased, and because it showed that Lord +Pledge had some sense of gratitude (although he afterward took occasion +to intimate that I owed the favor chiefly to HOPE), and I believe my +eyes never expressed more fondness. + +"Lady Goldencalf would not have an awkward sound after all, dearest +Anna." + +"As applied to one, Sir John, it might possibly do; but not as applied +to a hundred." Anna laughed, blushed, burst into tears once more, and +again fled. + +What right have I to trifle with the feelings of this single-hearted +and excellent girl, said I to myself; it is evident that the subject +distresses her--she is unequal to its discussion, and it is unmanly +and improper in me to treat it in this manner. I must be true to +my character as a gentleman and a man--aye, and, under present +circumstances, as a baronet; and--I will never speak of it again as long +as I live. + +The following day I took leave of Dr. Etherington and his daughter, with +the avowed intention of travelling for a year or two. The good +rector gave me much friendly advice, flattered me with expressions +of confidence in my discretion, and, squeezing me warmly by the hand, +begged me to recollect that I had always a home at the rectory. When +I had made my adieus to the father, I went, with a sorrowful +heart, in quest of the daughter. She was still in the little +breakfast-parlor--that parlor so loved! I found her pale, timid, +sensitive, bland, but serene. Little could ever disturb that heavenly +quality in the dear girl; if she laughed, it was with a restrained and +moderated joy; if she wept, it was like rain falling from a sky that +still shone with the lustre of the sun. It was only when feeling and +nature were unutterably big within her, that some irresistible impulse +of her sex betrayed her into emotions like those I had twice witnessed +so lately. + +"You are about to leave us, Jack," she said, holding out her hand kindly +and without the affectation of an indifference she did not feel; "you +will see many strange faces, but you will see none who--" + +I waited for the completion of the sentence, but, although she struggled +hard for self-possession, it was never finished. + +"At my age, Anna, and with my means, it would be unbecoming to remain +at home, when, if I may so express it, 'human nature is abroad.' I go +to quicken my sympathies, to open my heart to my kind, and to avoid the +cruel regrets that tortured the death-bed of my father." + +"Well--well," interrupted the sobbing girl, "we will talk of it no more. +It is best that you should travel; and so adieu, with a thousand--nay, +millions of good wishes for your happiness and safe return. You will +come back to us, Jack, when tired of other scenes." + +This was said with gentle earnestness and a sincerity so winning that it +came near upsetting all my philosophy; but I could not marry the whole +sex, and to bind down my affections in one would have been giving the +death-blow to the development of that sublime principle on which I +was bent, and which I had already decided was to make me worthy of my +fortune and the ornament of my species. Had I been offered a kingdom, +however, I could not speak. I took the unresisting girl in my arms, +folded her to my heart, pressed a burning kiss on her cheek, and +withdrew. + +"You will come back to us, Jack?" she half whispered, as her hand was +reluctantly drawn through my own. + +Oh! Anna, it was indeed painful to abandon thy frank and gentle +confidence, thy radiant beauty, thy serene affections, and all thy +womanly virtues, in order to practise my newly-discovered theory! Long +did thy presence haunt me--nay, never did it entirely desert me--putting +my constancy to a severe proof, and threatening at each remove to +contract the lengthening chain that still bound me to thee, thy +fireside, and thy altars! But I triumphed, and went abroad upon the +earth with a heart expanding towards all the creatures of God, though +thy image was still enshrined in its inmost core, shining in womanly +glory, pure, radiant, and without spot, like the floating prism that +forms the lustre of the diamond. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. A THEORY OF PALPABLE SUBLIMITY--SOME PRACTICAL IDEAS, AND +THE COMMENCEMENT OF ADVENTURES. + + +The recollection of the intense feelings of that important period of my +life has, in some measure, disturbed the connection of the narrative, +and may possibly have left some little obscurity in the mind of the +reader on the subject of the new sources of happiness that had broken on +my own intelligence. A word here in the way of elucidation, therefore, +may not be misapplied, although it is my purpose to refer more to my +acts, and to the wonderful incidents it will shortly be my duty to lay +before the world, for a just understanding of my views, than to mere +verbal explanations. + +Happiness--happiness, here and hereafter, was my goal. I aimed at a life +of useful and active benevolence, a deathbed of hope and joy, and an +eternity of fruition. With such an object before me, my thoughts, from +the moment that I witnessed the dying regrets of my father, had been +intensely brooding over the means of attainment. Surprising as, no +doubt, it will appear to vulgar minds, I obtained the clew to this +sublime mystery at the late election for the borough of Householder, and +from the lips of my Lord Pledge. Like other important discoveries, it is +very simple when understood, being easily rendered intelligible to the +dullest capacities, as, indeed, in equity, ought to be the case with +every principle that is so intimately connected with the well-being of +man. + +It is a universally admitted truth that happiness is the only legitimate +object of all human associations. The ruled concede a certain portion +of their natural rights for the benefits of peace, security, and order, +with the understanding that they are to enjoy the remainder as their +own proper indefeasible estate. It is true that there exist in different +nations some material differences of opinion on the subject of the +quantities to be bestowed and retained; but these aberrations from a +just medium are no more than so many caprices of the human judgment, +and in no manner do they affect the principle. I found also that all the +wisest and best of the species, or what is much the same thing, the most +responsible, uniformly maintain that he who has the largest stake in +society is, in the nature of things, the most qualified to administer +its affairs. By a stake in society is meant, agreeable to universal +convention, a multiplication of those interests which occupy us in our +daily concerns--or what is vulgarly called property. This principle +works by exciting us to do right through those heavy investments of our +own which would inevitably suffer were we to do wrong. The proposition +is now clear, nor can the premises readily be mistaken. Happiness is the +aim of society; and property, or a vested interest in that society, +is the best pledge of our disinterestedness and justice, and the +best qualification for its proper control. It follows as a legitimate +corollary that a multiplication of those interests will increase the +stake, and render us more and more worthy of the trust by elevating us +as near as may be to the pure and ethereal condition of the angels. One +of those happy accidents which sometimes make men emperors and kings, +had made me, perhaps, the richest subject of Europe. With this polar +star of theory shining before my eyes, and with practical means so +ample, it would have been clearly my own fault had I not steered my bark +into the right haven. If he who had the heaviest investments was the +most likely to love his fellows, there could be no great difficulty for +one in my situation to take the lead in philanthropy. It is true that +with superficial observers the instance of my own immediate ancestor +might be supposed to form an exception, or rather an objection, to the +theory. So far from this being the case, however, it proves the +very reverse. My father in a great measure had concentrated all his +investments in the national debt! Now, beyond all cavil, he loved the +funds intensely; grew violent when they were assailed; cried out for +bayonets when the mass declaimed against taxation; eulogized the gallows +when there were menaces of revolt, and in a hundred other ways prove +that "where the treasure is, there will the heart be also." The instance +of my father, therefore, like all exceptions, only went to prove +the excellence of the rule. He had merely fallen into the error of +contraction, when the only safe course was that of expansion. I resolved +to expand; to do that which probably no political economist had ever +yet thought of doing--in short, to carry out the principle of the +social stake in such a way as should cause me to love all things, and +consequently to become worthy of being intrusted with the care of all +things. + +On reaching town my earliest visit was one of thanks to my Lord Pledge. +At first I had felt some doubts whether the baronetcy would or would not +aid the system of philanthropy; for by raising me above a large portion +of my kind, it was in so much at least a removal from philanthropical +sympathies; but by the time the patent was received and the fees were +paid, I found that it might fairly be considered a pecuniary investment, +and that it was consequently brought within the rule I had prescribed +for my own government. + +The next thing was to employ suitable agents to aid in making the +purchases that were necessary to attach me to mankind. A month was +diligently occupied in this way. As ready money was not wanting, and +I was not very particular on the subject of prices, at the end of that +time I began to have certain incipient sentiments which went to prove +the triumphant success of the experiment. In other words I owned much, +and was beginning to take a lively interest in all I owned. + +I made purchases of estates in England, Scotland, Ireland, and Wales. +This division of real property was meant to equalize my sentiments +justly between the different portions of my native country. Not +satisfied with this, however, I extended the system to the colonies. +I had East India shares, a running ship, Canada land, a plantation in +Jamaica, sheep at the Cape and at New South Wales, an indigo concern at +Bengal, an establishment for the collection of antiques in the Ionian +Isles, and a connection with a shipping house for the general supply +of our various dependencies with beer, bacon, cheese, broadcloths, and +ironmongery. From the British empire my interests were soon extended +into other countries. On the Garonne and Xeres I bought vineyards. In +Germany I took some shares in different salt and coal mines; the same +in South America in the precious metals; in Russia I dipped deeply into +tallow; in Switzerland I set up an extensive manufactory of watches, and +bought all the horses for a voiturier on a large scale. I had silkworms +in Lombardy, olives and hats in Tuscany, a bath in Lucca, and a +maccaroni establishment at Naples. To Sicily I sent funds for the +purchase of wheat, and at Rome I kept a connoisseur to conduct a general +agency in the supply of British articles, such as mustard, porter, +pickles, and corned beef, as well as for the forwarding of pictures and +statues to the lovers of the arts and of VIRTU. + +By the time all this was effected I found my hands full of business. +Method, suitable agents, and a resolution to succeed smoothed the way, +however, and I began to look about me and to take breath. By way of +relaxation I now descended into details; and for a few days I frequented +the meetings of those who are called "the Saints," in order to see if +something might be done towards the attainment of my object through +their instrumentality. I cannot say that this experiment met with +all the success I had anticipated. I heard a great deal of subtle +discussion, found that manner was of more account than matter, and +had unreasonable and ceaseless appeals to my pocket. So near a view of +charity had a tendency to expose its blemishes, as the brilliancy of the +sun is known to exhibit defects on the face of beauty, which escape the +eye when seen through the medium of that artificial light for which +they are best adapted; and I soon contented myself with sending my +contributions at proper intervals, keeping aloof in person. This +experiment gave me occasion to perceive that human virtues, like little +candles, shine best in the dark, and that their radiance is chiefly +owing to the atmosphere of a "naughty world." From speculating I +returned to facts. + +The question of slavery had agitated the benevolent for some years, and +finding a singular apathy in ray own bosom on this important subject, I +bought five hundred of each sex to stimulate my sympathies. This led me +nearer to the United States of America, a country that I had endeavored +to blot out of my recollection; for while thus encouraging a love for +the species, I had scarcely thought it necessary to go so far from home. +As no rule exists without an exception, I confess I was a good deal +disposed to believe that a Yankee might very fairly be an omission in +an Englishman's philanthropy. But "in for a penny in for a pound." The +negroes led me to the banks of the Mississippi, where I was soon the +owner of both a sugar and a cotton plantation. In addition to these +purchases I took shares in divers South-Seamen, owned a coral and +pearl fishery of my own, and sent an agent with a proposition to King +Tamamamaah to create a monopoly of sandalwood in our joint behalf. + +The earth and all it contained assumed new glories in my eyes. I had +fulfilled the essential condition of the political economists, the +jurists, the constitution-mongers, and all the "talents and decency," +and had stakes in half the societies of the world. I was fit to govern, +I was fit to advise, to dictate to most of the people of Christendom; +for I had taken a direct interest in their welfares by making them my +own. Twenty times was I about to jump into a post-chaise, and to +gallop down to the rectory in order to lay my newborn alliance with the +species, and all its attendant felicity, at the feet of Anna, but +the terrible thought of monogamy, and of its sympathy-withering +consequences, as often stayed my course. I wrote to her weekly, however, +making her the participator of a portion of my happiness, though I never +had the satisfaction of receiving a single line in reply. + +Fairly emancipated from selfishness, and pledged to the species, I now +quitted England on a tour of philanthropical inspection. I shall not +weary the reader with an account of my journeys over the beaten tracks +of the continent, but transport him and myself at once to Paris, in +which city I arrived on the 17th of May, Anno Domini 1819. I had seen +much, fancied myself improved, and, by constant dwelling on my system, +saw its excellences as plainly as Napoleon saw the celebrated star which +defied the duller vision of his uncle the cardinal. At the same time, +as usually happens with those who direct all their energies to a given +point, the opinions originally formed of certain portions of my theory +began to undergo mutations, as nearer and more practical views pointed +out inconsistencies and exposed defects. As regards Anna in particular, +the quiet, gentle, unobtrusive, and yet distinct picture of womanly +loveliness that was rarely absent from my mind, had for the past +twelvemonth haunted me with a constancy of argument that might have +unsettled the Newtonian scheme of philosophy itself. I already more than +questioned whether the benefit to be derived from the support of one so +affectionate and true would not fully counterbalance the disadvantage +of a concentration of interest, so far as the sex was concerned. This +growing opinion was fast getting to be conviction, when I encountered on +the boulevards one day an old country neighbor of the rector's, who +gave me the best account of the family, adding, after descanting on +the beauty and excellence of Anna herself, that the dear girl had +quite lately actually refused a peer of the realm, who enjoyed all the +acknowledged advantages of youth, riches, birth, rank, and a good name, +and who had selected her from a deep conviction of her worth, and of +her ability to make any sensible man happy. As to my own power over +the heart of Anna I never entertained a doubt. She had betrayed it in a +thousand ways and on a hundred occasions; nor had I been at all backward +in letting her understand how highly I valued her dear self, although I +had never yet screwed up my resolution so high as distinctly to propose +for her hand. But all my unsettled purposes became concentrated on +hearing this welcome intelligence; and, taking an abrupt leave of my old +acquaintance, I hurried home and wrote the following letter: + +Dear--very dear, nay--dearest ANNA: + +"I met your old neighbor--this morning on the boulevards, and during an +interview of an hour we did little else but talk of thee. Although it +has been my most ardent and most predominant wish to open my heart to +the whole species, yet, Anna, I fear I have loved thee alone! Absence, +so far from expanding, appears to contract my affections, too many +of which centre in thy sweet form and excellent virtues. The remedy I +proposed is insufficient, and I begin to think that matrimony alone can +leave me master of sufficient freedom of thought and action to turn the +attention I ought to the rest of the human race. Thou hast been with me +in idea in the four corners of the earth, by sea and by land, in dangers +and in safety, in all seasons, regions, and situations, and there is no +sufficient reason why those who are ever present in the spirit should be +materially separated. Thou hast only to say a word, to whisper a hope, +to breathe a wish, and I will throw myself a repentant truant at thy +feet and implore thy pity. When united, however, we will not lose +ourselves in the sordid and narrow paths of selfishness, but come forth +again in company to acquire a new and still more powerful hold on this +beautiful creation, of which, by this act, I acknowledge thee to be the +most divine portion. + +"Dearest, dearest Anna, thine and the species', + +"Forever, + +"JOHN GOLDENCALF. + +"TO MISS ETHERINGTON." + +If there was ever a happy fellow on earth it was myself when this letter +was written, sealed, and fairly despatched. The die was cast, and I +walked into the air a regenerated and an elastic being! Let what might +happen, I was sure of Anna. Her gentleness would calm my irritability; +her prudence temper my energies; her bland but enduring affections +soothe my soul. I felt at peace with all around me, myself included, and +I found a sweet assurance of the wisdom of the step I had just taken +in the expanding sentiment. If such were my sensations now that every +thought centred in Anna, what would they not become when these personal +transports were cooled by habit, and nature was left to the action of +the ordinary impulses! I began to doubt of the infallibility of that +part of my system which had given me so much pain, and to incline to the +new doctrine that by concentration on particular parts we come most to +love the whole. On examination there was reason to question whether +it was not on this principle even that, as an especial landholder, I +attained so great an interest in my native island; for while I certainly +did not own the whole of Great Britain, I felt that I had a profound +respect for everything in it that was in any, even the most remote +manner, connected with my own particular possessions. + +A week flew by in delightful anticipations. The happiness of this short +but heavenly period became so exciting, so exquisite, that I was on the +point of giving birth to an improvement on my theory (or rather on the +theory of the political economists and constitution-mongers, for it is +in fact theirs and not mine), when the answer of Anna was received. If +anticipation be a state of so much happiness--happiness being the +great pursuit of man--why not invent a purely probationary condition +of society?--why not change its elementary features from positive to +anticipating interests, which would give more zest to life, and bestow +felicity unimpaired by the dross of realities? I had determined to carry +out this principle in practice by an experiment, and left the hotel to +order an agent to advertise, and to enter into a treaty or two, for some +new investments (without the smallest intention of bringing them to a +conclusion), when the porter delivered me the ardently expected letter. +I never knew what would be the effect of taking a stake in society by +anticipation, therefore; the contents of Anna's missive driving every +subject that was not immediately connected with the dear writer, and +with sad realities, completely out of my head. It is not improbable, +however, that the new theory would have proved to be faulty, for I have +often had occasion to remark that heirs (in remainder, for instance), +manifest an hostility to the estate, by carrying out the principle +of anticipation, rather than any of that prudent respect for social +consequences to which the legislator looks with so much anxiety. + +The letter of Anna was in the following words: + +"Good--nay, Dear JOHN: + +"Thy letter was put into my hands yesterday. This is the fifth answer I +have commenced, and you will therefore see that I do not write without +reflection. I know thy excellent heart, John, better than it is known to +thyself. It has either led thee to the discovery of a secret of the last +importance to thy fellow-creatures, or it has led thee cruelly astray. +An experiment so noble and so praiseworthy ought not to be abandoned on +account of a few momentary misgivings concerning the result. Do not stay +thy eagle flight at the instant thou art soaring so near the sun! Should +we both judge it for our mutual happiness, I can become thy wife at a +future day. We are still young, and there is no urgency for an immediate +union. In the mean time, I will endeavor to prepare myself to be the +companion of a philanthropist by practising on thy theory, and, by +expanding my own affections, render myself worthy to be the wife of one +who has so large a stake in society, and who loves so many and so truly. + +"Thine imitator and friend, + +"Without change, + +"ANNA ETHERINGTON. + +"To Sir JOHN GOLDENCALF, Bart. + +"P.S.--You may perceive that I am in a state of improvement, for I have +just refused the hand of Lord M'Dee, because I found I loved all his +neighbors quite as well as I loved the young peer himself." + +Ten thousand furies took possession of my soul, in the shape of so many +demons of jealousy. Anna expanding her affections! Anna taking any other +stake in society than that I made sure she would accept through me! Anna +teaching herself to love more than one, and that one myself! The thought +was madness. I did not believe in the sincerity of her refusal of Lord +M'Dee. I ran for a copy of the Peerage (for since my own elevation in +life I regularly bought both that work and the Baronetage), and turned +to the page that contained his name. He was a Scottish viscount who +had just been created a baron of the united kingdom, and his age was +precisely that of my own. Here was a rival to excite distrust. By a +singular contradiction in sentiments, the more I dreaded his power to +injure me, the more I undervalued his means. While I fancied Anna was +merely playing with me, and had in secret made up her mind to be +a peeress, I had no doubt that the subject of her choice was both +ill-favored and awkward, and had cheek-bones like a Tartar. While +reading of the great antiquity of his family (which reached obscurity in +the thirteenth century), I set it down as established that the first +of his unknown predecessors was a bare-legged thief, and, at the very +moment that I imagined Anna was smiling on him, and retracting +her coquettish denial, I could have sworn that he spoke with an +unintelligible border accent, and that he had red hair! + +The torment of such pictures grew to be intolerable, and I rushed into +the open air for relief. How long or whither I wandered I know not; but +on the morning of the following day I found I was seated in a guinguette +near the base of Montmartre, eagerly devouring a roll and refreshing +myself with sour wine. When a little recovered from the shock of +discovering myself in a situation so novel (for having no investment +in guinguettes, I had not taken sufficient interest in these popular +establishments ever to enter one before), I had leisure to look about +and survey the company. Some fifty Frenchmen of the laboring +classes were drinking on every side, and talking with a vehemence of +gesticulation and a clamor that completely annihilated thought. This +then, thought I, is a scene of popular happiness. These creatures are +excellent fellows, enjoying themselves on liquor that has not paid the +city duty, and perhaps I may seize upon some point that favors my system +among spirits so frank and clamorous. Doubtless if any one among them is +in possession of any important social secret it will not fail to +escape him here. From meditations of this philosophical character I +was suddenly aroused by a violent blow before me, accompanied with an +exclamation in very tolerable English of the word, + +"King!" + +On the centre of the board which did the office of a table, and directly +beneath my eyes, lay a clenched fist of fearful dimensions, that in +color and protuberances bore a good deal of resemblance to a freshly +unearthed Jerusalem artichoke. Its sinews seemed to be cracking with +tension, and the whole knob was so expressive of intense pugnacity that +my eyes involuntarily sought its owner's face. I had unconsciously taken +my seat directly opposite a man whose stature was nearly double that +of the compact, bustling sputtering, and sturdy little fellows who were +bawling on every side of us, and whose skinny lips, instead of joining +in the noise, were so firmly compressed as to render the crevice of the +mouth no more strongly marked than a wrinkle in the brow of a man of +sixty. His complexion was naturally fair, but exposure had tanned the +skin of his face to the color of the crackle of a roasted pig; those +parts which a painter would be apt to term the "high lights" being +indicated by touches of red, nearly as bright as fourth-proof brandy. +His eyes were small, stern, fiery, and very gray; and just at the +instant they met my admiring look they resembled two stray coals that by +some means had got separated from the body of adjacent heat in the +face. He had a prominent, well-shaped nose, athwart which the skin +was stretched like leather in the process of being rubbed down on the +currier's bench, and his ropy black hair was carefully smoothed over +his temples and brows, in a way to show that he was abroad on a holiday +excursion. + +When our eyes met, this singular-looking being gave me a nod of friendly +recognition, for no better reason that I could discover than the fact +that I did not appear to be a Frenchman. "Did mortal man ever listen to +such fools, captain?" he observed, as if certain we must think alike on +the subject. + +"Really I did not attend to what was said; there certainly is much +noise." + +"I don't pretend to understand a word of what they are saying myself; +but it SOUNDS like thorough nonsense." + +"My ear is not yet sufficiently acute to distinguish sense from nonsense +by mere intonation and sound--but it would seem, sir, that you speak +English only." + +"Therein you are mistaken; for, being a great traveller, I have been +compelled to look about me, and as a nat'ral consequence I speak a +little of all languages. I do not say that I use the foreign parts of +speech always fundamentally, but then I worry through an idee so as +to make it legible and of use, especially in the way of eating and +drinking. As to French, now, I can say 'don-nez-me some van,' and +'don-nez-vous some pan,' as well as the best of them; but when there are +a dozen throats bawling at once, as is the case with these here +chaps, why one might as well go on the top of Ape's Hill and hold a +conversation with the people he will meet with there, as to pretend to +hold a rational or a discussional discourse. For my part, where there is +to be a conversation, I like every one to have his turn, keeping up the +talk, as it might be, watch and watch; but among these Frenchmen it +is pretty much as if their idees had been caged, and the door being +suddenly opened, they fly out in a flock, just for the pleasure of +saying they are at liberty." + +I now perceived that my companion was a reflecting being, his +ratiocination being connected by regular links, and that he did not +boost his philosophy on the leaping-staff of impulse, like most of those +who were sputtering, and arguing, and wrangling, with untiring lungs, +in all corners of the guinguette. I frankly proposed, therefore, that we +should quit the place and walk into the road, where our discourse would +be less disturbed, and consequently more satisfactory. The proposal was +well received, and we left the brawlers, walking by the outer boulevards +towards my hotel in the Rue de Rivoli, by the way of the Champs Elysees. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. TOUCHING AN AMPHIBIOUS ANIMAL, A SPECIAL INTRODUCTION, AND +ITS CONSEQUENCES. + + +I soon took an interest in my new acquaintance. He was communicative, +shrewd, and peculiar; and though apt to express himself quaintly, it was +always with the pith of one who had seen a great deal of at least +one portion of his fellow-creatures. The conversation, under such +circumstances, did not flag; on the contrary, it soon grew more +interesting by the stranger's beginning to touch on his private +interests. He told me that he was a mariner who had been cast ashore by +one of the accidents of his calling, and, by way of cutting in a word in +his own favor, he gave me to understand that he had seen a great deal, +more especially of that castle of his fellow-creatures who like himself +live by frequenting the mighty deep. + +"I am very happy," I said, "to have met with a stranger who can give me +information touching an entire class of human beings with whom I have as +yet had but little communion. In order that we may improve the occasion +to the utmost, I propose that we introduce ourselves to each other at +once, and swear an eternal friendship, or, at least, until we may find +it convenient to dispense with the obligation." + +"For my part, I am one who likes the friendship of a dog better than his +enmity," returned my companion, with a singleness of purpose that left +him no disposition to waste his breath in idle compliments. "I accept +the offer, therefore, with all my heart; and this the more readily +because you are the only one I have met for a week who can ask me how I +do without saying, 'Come on, cong portez-vous.' Being used to meet with +squalls, however, I shall accept your offer under the last condition +named." + +I liked the stranger's caution. It denoted a proper care of character, +and furnished a proof of responsibility. The condition was therefore +accepted on my part as frankly as it had been urged on his. + +"And now, sir," I added, when we had shaken each other very cordially by +the hand, "may I presume to ask your name?" + +"I am called Noah, and I don't care who knows it. I am not ashamed of +either of my names, whatever else I may be ashamed of." + +"Noah--?" + +"Poke, at your service." He pronounced the word slowly and very +distinctly, as if what he had just said of his self-confidence were +true. As I had afterward occasion to take his signature, I shall at once +give it in the proper form--"Capt. Noah Poke." + +"Of what part of England are you a native, Mr. Poke?" + +"I believe I may say of the new parts." + +"I do not know that any portion of the island was so designated. Will +you have the good-nature to explain yourself?" + +"I'm a native of Stunin'tun, in the State of Connecticut, in old New +England. My parents being dead, I was sent to sea a four-year-old, and +here I am, walking about the kingdom of France without a cent in my +pocket, a shipwrecked mariner. Hard as my lot is, to say the truth, I'd +about as leave starve as live by speaking their d--d lingo." + +"Shipwrecked--a mariner--starving--and a Yankee!" + +"All that, and maybe more, too; though, by your leave, commodore, we'll +drop the last title. I'm proud enough to call myself a Yankee, but my +back is apt to get up when I hear an Englishman use the word. We are yet +friends, and it may be well enough to continue so until some good comes +of it to one or other of the parties." + +"I ask your pardon, Mr. Poke, and will not offend again. Have you +circumnavigated the globe?" + +Captain Poke snapped his fingers, in pure contempt of the simplicity of +the question. + +"Has the moon ever sailed round the 'arth! Look here, a moment, +commodore"--he took from his pocket an apple, of which he had been +munching half a-dozen during the walk, and held it up to view--"draw +your lines which way you will on this sphere; crosswise or lengthwise, +up or down, zigzag or parpendic'lar, and you will not find more +traverses than I've worked about the old ball!" + +"By land as well as by sea?" + +"Why, as to the land, I've had my share of that, too; for it has been my +hard fortune to run upon it, when a softer bed would have given a more +quiet nap. This is just the present difficulty with me, for I am now +tacking about among these Frenchmen in order to get afloat again, like +an alligator floundering in the mud. I lost my schooner on the northeast +coast of Russia--somewhere hereabouts," pointing to the precise spot on +the apple; "we were up there trading in skins-and finding no means +of reaching home by the road I'd come, and smelling salt water down +hereaway, I've been shaping my course westward for the last eighteen +months, steering as near as might be directly athwart Europe and Asia; +and here I am at last within two days' run of Havre, which is, if I can +get good Yankee planks beneath me once more, within some eighteen or +twenty days' run of home." + +"You allow me, then, to call the planks Yankee?" + +"Call 'em what you please, commodore; though I should prefar to call 'em +the 'Debby and Dolly of Stunin'tun,' to anything else, for that was the +name of the craft I lost. Well, the best of us are but frail, and the +longest-winded man is no dolphin to swim with his head under water!" + +"Pray, Mr. Poke, permit me to ask where you learned to speak the English +language with so much purity?" + +"Stunin'tun--I never had a mouthful of schooling but what I got at +home. It's all homespun. I make no boast of scholarship; but as for +navigating, or for finding my way about the 'arth, I'll turn my back +on no man, unless it be to leave him behind. Now we have people with us +that think a great deal of their geometry and astronomies, but I hold +to no such slender threads. My way is, when there is occasion to go +anywhere, to settle it well in my mind as to the place, and then to +make as straight a wake as natur' will allow, taking little account of +charts, which are as apt to put you wrong as right; and when they do get +you into a scrape it's a smasher! Depend on yourself and human natur', +is my rule; though I admit there is some accommodation in a compass, +particularly in cold weather." + +"Cold weather! I do not well comprehend the distinction." + +"Why, I rather conclude that one's scent gets to be dullish in a frost; +but this may be no more than a conceit after all, for the two times I've +been wrecked were in summer, and both the accidents happened by sheer +dint of hard blowing, and in broad daylight, when nothing human short of +a change of wind could have saved us." + +"And you prefer this peculiar sort of navigation?" + +"To all others, especially in the sealing business, which is my raal +occupation. It's the very best way in the world to discover islands; and +everybody knows that we sealers are always on the lookout for su'thin' +of that sort." + +"Will you suffer me to inquire, Captain Poke, how many times you have +doubled Cape Horn?" + +My navigator threw a quick, jealous glance at me, as if he distrusted +the nature of the question. + +"Why, that is neither here nor there; perhaps I don't double either of +the capes, perhaps I do. I get into the South Sea with my craft, and +it's of no great moment how it's done. A skin is worth just as much in +the market, though the furrier may not happen to have a glossary of the +road it has travelled." + +"A glossary?" + +"What matters a signification, commodore, when people understand +each other? This overland journey has put me to my wits, for you will +understand that I've had to travel among natives that cannot speak a +syllable of the homespun; so I brought the schooner's dictionary with +me as a sort of terrestrial almanac, and I fancied that, as they spoke +gibberish to me, the best way was to give it to them back again as near +as might be in their own coin, hoping I might hit on su'thin' to +their liking. By this means I've come to be rather more voluble than +formerly." + +"The idea was happy." + +"No doubt it was, as is just evinced. But having given you a pretty +clear insight into my natur' and occupation, it is time that I ask a few +questions of you. This is a business, you must know, at which we do +a good deal at Stunin'tun, and at which we are commonly thought to be +handy," + +"Put your questions, Captain Poke; I hope the answers will be +satisfactory." + +"Your name?" + +"John Goldencalf--by the favor of his majesty, Sir John Goldencalf, +Baronet." + +"Sir John Goldencalf--by the favor of his majesty, a baronet! Is baronet +a calling? or what sort of a crittur or thing is it?" + +"It is my rank in the kingdom to which I belong." + +"I begin to understand what you mean. Among your nation mankind is what +we call stationed, like a ship's people that are called to go about; you +have a certain berth in that kingdom of yours, much as I should have in +a sealing schooner." + +"Exactly so; and I presume you will allow that order, and propriety, and +safety result from this method among mariners?" + +"No doubt--no doubt, we station anew, however, each v'yage, according to +experience; I'm not so sure that it would do to take even the cook from +father to son, or we might have a pretty mess of it." + +Here the sealer commenced a series of questions, which he put with a +vigor and perseverance that I fear left me without a single fact of my +life unrevealed, except those connected with the sacred sentiment that +bound me to Anna, and which were far too hallowed to escape me even +under the ordeal of a Stunin'tun inquisitor. In short, finding that +I was nearly helpless in such hands, I made a merit of necessity, and +yielded up my secrets as wood in a vice discharges its moisture. It was +scarcely possible that a mind like mine, subjected to the action of +such a pair of moral screws, should not yield some hints touching its +besetting propensities. The Captain seized this clew, and he went at the +theory like a bulldog at the muzzle of an ox. + +To oblige him, therefore, I entered at some length into an explanation +of my system. After the general remarks that were necessary to give +a stranger an insight into its leading principles, I gave him to +understand that I had long been looking for one like him, for a purpose +that shall now be explained to the reader. I had entertained some +negotiations with Tamahamaah, and had certain investments in the pearl +and whale fisheries, it is true; but on the whole my relations with +all that portion of mankind who inhabit the islands of the Pacific, +the northwest coast of America, and the northeast coast of the old +continent, were rather loose, and generally in an unsettled and vague +condition; and it appeared to me that I had been singularly favored in +having a man so well adapted to their regeneration thrown as it were +by Providence, and in a manner so unusual, directly in my way. I now +frankly proposed, therefore, to fit out an expedition, that should be +partly of trade and partly of discovery, in order to expand my interests +in this new direction, and to place my new acquaintance at its head. Ten +minutes of earnest explanation on my part sufficed to put my companion +in possession of the leading features of the plan. When I had ended this +direct appeal to his love of enterprise, I was answered by the favorite +exclamation of-- + +"King!" + +"I do not wonder, Captain Poke, that your admiration breaks out in +this manner; for I believe few men fairly enter into the beauty of this +benevolent system who are not struck equally with its grandeur and its +simplicity. May I count on your assistance?" + +"This is a new idee, Sir Goldencalf--" + +"Sir John Goldencalf, if you please, sir." + +"A new idee, Sir John Goldencalf, and it needs circumspection. +Circumspection in a bargain is the certain way to steer clear of +misunderstandings. You wish a navigator to take your craft, let her +be what she will, into unknown seas, and I wish, naturally, to make a +straight course for Stunin'tun. You see the bargain is in apogee, from +the start." + +"Money is no consideration with me, Captain Poke." + +"Well, this is an idee that has brought many a more difficult +contract at once into perigee, Sir John Goldencalf. Money is always a +considerable consideration with me, and I may say, also, just now it +is rather more so than usual. But when a gentleman clears the way as +handsomely as you have now done, any bargain may be counted as a good +deal more than half made." + +A few explicit explanations disposed of this part of the subject, and +Captain Poke accepted of my terms in the spirit of frankness with which +they were made. Perhaps his decision was quickened by an offer of twenty +Napoleons, which I did not neglect making on the spot. Amicable and in +some respects confidential relations were now established between my new +acquaintance and myself; and we pursued our walk, discussing the details +necessary to the execution of our project. After an hour or two passed +in this manner, I invited my companion to go to my hotel, meaning that +he should partake of my board until we could both depart for England, +where it was my intention to purchase without delay a vessel for the +contemplated voyage, in which I also had decided to embark in person. + +We were obliged to make our way through the throng that usually +frequents the lower part of the Champs Elysees during the season of good +weather and towards the close of the day. This task was nearly over when +my attention was particularly drawn to a group that was just entering +the place of general resort, apparently with the design of adding to the +scene of thoughtlessness and amusement. But as I am now approaching +the most material part of this extraordinary work, it will be proper to +reserve the opening for a new chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. AN INTRODUCTION TO FOUR NEW CHARACTERS, SOME TOUCHES OF +PHILOSOPHY, AND A FEW CAPITAL THOUGHTS ON POLITICAL ECONOMY. + + +The group which drew my attention was composed of six individuals, two +of which were animals of the genus homo, or what is vulgarly termed man; +and the remainder were of the order primates, and of the class mammalia; +or what in common parlance are called monkeys. + + The first were Savoyards, and may be generally described as being +unwashed, ragged, and carnivorous; in color swarthy; in lineaments and +expression avaricious and shrewd; and in appetites voracious. The latter +were of the common species, of the usual size, and of approved gravity. +There were two of each sex; being very equally paired as to years and +external advantages. + +The monkeys were all habited with more or less of the ordinary attire of +our modern European civilization; but peculiar care had been taken with +the toilet of the senior of the two males. This individual had on the +coat of a hussar, a cut that would have given a particular part of his +body a more military contour than comported with his real character +were it not for a red petticoat that was made shorter than common; less, +however, with a view to show a pretty foot and ankle than to leave the +nether limbs at liberty to go through with certain extravagant efforts +which the Savoyards were unmercifully exacting from his natural agility. +He wore a Spanish hat, decorated with a few bedraggled feathers, a white +cockade, and a wooden sword. In addition to the latter, he carried in +his hand a small broom. + +Observing that my attention was strongly attracted to this party, the +ill-favored Savoyards immediately commenced a series of experiments +in saltation, with the sole view, beyond a question, to profit by +my curiosity. The inoffensive victims of this act of brutal tyranny +submitted with a patience worthy of the profoundest philosophy, meeting +the wishes of their masters with a readiness and dexterity that was +beyond all praise. One swept the earth, another leaped on the back of +a dog, a third threw himself head-over-heels again and again without a +murmur, and the fourth moved gracefully to and fro, like a young girl in +a quadrille. All this might have passed without calling for particular +remark (since, alas! the spectacle is only too common), were it not for +certain eloquent appeals that were made to me through the eyes by the +individual in the hussar jacket. His look was rarely averted from +my face for a moment, and in this way a silent communion was soon +established between us. I observed that his gravity was indomitable. +Nothing could elicit a smile or a change of countenance. Obedient to +the whip of his brutal master, he never refused the required leap; for +minutes at a time his legs and petticoat described confused circles in +the air, appearing to have taken a final leave of the earth; but, the +effort ended, he invariably descended to the ground with a quiet dignity +and composure that showed how little the inward monkey partook of the +antics of the outward animal. Drawing my companion a little aside, I +ventured to suggest a few thoughts to him on the subject. + +"Really, Captain Poke, it appears to me there is great injustice in the +treatment of these poor creatures!" I said. "What right have these two +foul-looking blackguards to seize upon beings much more interesting +to the eye and, I dare say, far more intellectual than themselves, and +cause them to throw their legs about in this extravagant manner, under +the penalty of stripes, and without regard to their feelings or +their convenience? I say, sir, the measure appears to me intolerably +oppressive, and it calls for prompt redress." + +"King!" + +"King or subject, it does not alter the moral deformity of the act. What +have these innocent beings done that they should be subjected to this +disgrace? Are they not flesh and blood like ourselves--do they not +approach nearer to our form and, for aught we know to the contrary, to +our reason, than any other animal? and is it tolerable that our nearest +imitations, our very cousins, should be thus dealt by? Are they dogs +that they are treated like dogs?" + +"Why, to my notion, Sir John, there isn't a dog on 'arth that can take +such a summerset. Their flapjacks are quite extraor'nary!" + +"Yes, sir, and more than extraordinary; they are oppressive. Place +yourself, Mr. Poke, for a single instant, in the situation of one of +these persons; fancy that you had a hussar jacket squeezed upon your +brawny shoulders, a petticoat placed over your lower extremities, a +Spanish hat with bedraggled feathers set upon your head, a wooden sword +stuck at your side, and a broom put into your hand; and that these two +Savoyards were to menace you with stripes unless you consented to throw +summersets for the amusement of strangers--I only ask you to make the +case your own sir, and then say what course you would take and what you +would do?" + +"I would lick both of these young blackguards, Sir John, without +remorse, break the sword and broom over their heads, kick their +sensibilities till they couldn't see, and take my course for Stunin'tun, +where I belong." + +"Yes, sir, this might do with the Savoyards, who are young and feeble--" + +"'Twouldn't alter the case much if two of these Frenchmen were in their +places," put in the Captain, glaring wolfishly about him. "To be plain +with you, Sir John Goldencalf, being human, I'd submit to no such monkey +tricks." + +"Do not use the term reproachfully, Mr. Poke, I entreat of you. We call +these animals monkeys, it is true; but we do not know what they call +themselves. Man is merely an animal, and you must very well know--" + +"Harkee, Sir John," interrupted the Captain, "I'm no botanist, and do +not pretend to more schooling than a sealer has need of for finding his +way about the 'arth; but as for a man's being an animal, I just wish to +ask you, now, if in your judgment a hog is also an animal?" + +"Beyond a doubt--and fleas, and toads, and sea-serpents, and lizards, +and water-devils--we are all neither more nor less than animals." + +"Well, if a hog is an animal, I am willing to allow the relationship; +for in the course of my experience, which is not small, I have met +with men that you might have mistaken for hogs, in everything but the +bristles, the snout, and the tail. I'll never deny what I've seen with +my own eyes, though I suffer for it; and therefore I admit that, hogs +being animals, it is more than likely that some men must be animals +too." + +"We call these interesting beings monkeys; but how do we know that +they do not return the compliment, and call us, in their own particular +dialect, something quite as offensive? It would become our species to +manifest a more equitable and philosophical spirit, and to consider +these interesting strangers as an unfortunate family which has fallen +into the hands of brutes, and which is in every way entitled to our +commiseration and our active interference. Hitherto I have never +sufficiently stimulated my sympathies for the animal world by any +investment in quadrupeds; but it is my intention to write to-morrow to +my English agent to purchase a pack of hounds and a suitable stud of +horses; and by way of quickening so laudable a resolution, I shall +forthwith make propositions to the Savoyards for the speedy emancipation +of this family of amiable foreigners. The slave-trade is an innocent +pastime compared to the cruel oppression that the gentleman in the +Spanish hat, in particular, is compelled to endure." + +"King!" + +"He may be a king, sure enough, in his own country, Captain Poke; a fact +that would add tenfold agony to his unmerited sufferings." + +Hereupon I proceeded without more ado to open a negotiation with the +Savoyards. The judicious application of a few Napoleons soon brought +about a happy understanding between the contracting parties, when the +Savoyards transferred to my hands the strings which confined their +vassals, as the formal and usual acknowledgment of the right of +ownership. Committing the three others to the keeping of Mr. Poke, I led +the individual in the hussar jacket a little on one side, and raising +my hat to show that I was superior to the vulgar feelings of feudal +superiority, I addressed him briefly in the following words: + +"Although I have ostensibly bought the right which these Savoyards +professed to have in your person and services, I seize an early occasion +to inform you that virtually you are now free. As we are among a people +accustomed to see your race in subjection, however, it may not be +prudent to proclaim the nature of the present transaction, lest there +might be some further conspiracies against your natural rights. We will +retire to my hotel forthwith, therefore, where your future +happiness shall be the subject of our more mature and of our united +deliberations." + +The respectable stranger in the hussar jacket heard me with inimitable +gravity and self-command until, in the warmth of feeling, I raised +an arm in earnest gesticulation, when, most probably overcome by the +emotions of delight that were naturally awakened in his bosom by this +sudden change in his fortune, he threw three summersets, or flapjacks, +as Captain Poke had quaintly designated his evolutions, in such rapid +succession as to render it for a moment a matter of doubt whether nature +had placed his head or his heels uppermost. + +Making a sign for Captain Poke to follow, I now took my way directly +to the Rue de Rivoli. We were attended by a constantly increasing crowd +until the gate of the hotel was fairly entered; and glad was I to see +my charge safely housed, for there were abundant indications of another +design upon their rights in the taunts and ridicule of the living mass +that rolled up as it were upon our heels. On reaching my own apartments, +a courier who had been waiting my return, and who had just arrived +express from England, put a packet into my hands, stating that it came +from my principal English agent. Hasty orders were given to attend to +the comfort and wants of Captain Poke and the strangers (orders that +were in no danger of being neglected, since Sir John Goldencalf, with +the reputed annual revenue of three millions of francs, had unlimited +credit with all the inhabitants of the hotel); and I hurried into +my cabinet and sat down to the eager perusal of the different +communications. + +Alas! there was not a line from Anna! The obdurate girl still trifled +with my misery; and in revenge I entertained a momentary resolution of +adopting the notions of Mahmoud, in order to qualify myself to set up a +harem. + +The letters were from a variety of correspondents, embracing many of +those who were entrusted with the care of my interests in very opposite +quarters of the world. Half an hour before I had been dying to open +more intimate relations with the interesting strangers; but my thoughts +instantly took a new direction, and I soon found that the painful +sentiments I had entertained touching their welfare and happiness were +quite lost in the newly awakened interests that lay before me. It is in +this simple manner, no doubt, that the system to which I am a convert +effects no small part of its own great purposes. No sooner does any one +interest grow painful by excess than a new claim arises to divert the +thoughts, a new demand is made on the sensibilities; and by lowering +our affections from the intensity of selfishness to the more bland and +equable feeling of impartiality, forms that just and generous condition +of the mind at which the political economists aim when they dilate on +the glories and advantages of their favorite theory of the social stake. + +In this happy frame of mind I fell to reading the letters with avidity +and with the godlike determination to reverence Providence and to do +justice. Fiat justitia ruat coelum! + +The first epistle was from the agent of the principal West India estate. +He acquainted me with the fact that all hopes from the expected crop +were destroyed by a hurricane, and he begged that I would furnish the +means necessary to carry on the affairs of the plantation until another +season might repair the loss. Priding myself on punctuality as a man of +business, before I broke another seal a letter was written to a banker +in London requesting him to supply the necessary credits, and to notify +the agents in the West Indies of the circumstance. As he was a member of +parliament, I seized the occasion also to press upon him the necessity +of government's introducing some early measure for the protection of the +sugar-growers, a most meritorious class of his fellow-subjects, and +one whose exposures and actual losses called loudly for relief of +this nature. As I closed the letter I could not help dwelling with +complacency on the zeal and promptitude with which I had acted--the +certain proof of the usefulness of the theory of investments. + +The second communication was from the manager of an East India property, +that very happily came with its offering to fill the vacuum left by the +failure of the crops just mentioned. Sugar was likely to be a drug +in the peninsula, and my correspondent stated that the cost of +transportation being so much greater than from the other colonies, this +advantage would be entirely lost unless government did something to +restore the East Indian to his natural equality. I enclosed this letter +in one to my Lord Say and Do, who was in the ministry, asking him in the +most laconic and pointed terms whether it were possible for the empire +to prosper when one portion of it was left in possession of exclusive +advantages, to the prejudice of all the others? As this question was +put with a truly British spirit, I hope it had some tendency to open the +eyes of his majesty's ministers; for much was shortly after said, both +in the journals and in parliament, on the necessity of protecting +our East Indian fellow-subjects, and of doing natural justice by +establishing the national prosperity on the only firm basis, that of +free trade. + +The next letter was from the acting partner of a large manufacturing +house to which I had advanced quite half the capital, in order to +enter into a sympathetic communion with the cotton-spinners. The writer +complained heavily of the import duty on the raw material, made some +poignant allusions to the increasing competition on the continent and +in America, and pretty clearly intimated that the lord of the manor +of Householder ought to make himself felt by the administration in a +question of so much magnitude to the nation. On this hint I spake. I sat +down on the spot and wrote a long letter to my friend Lord Pledge, in +which I pointed out to him the danger that threatened our political +economy; that we were imitating the false theories of the Americans (the +countrymen of Captain Poke), that trade was clearly never so prosperous +as when it was the most successful, that success depended on effort, and +effort was the most efficient when the least encumbered, and in short +that as it was self-evident a man would jump farther without being +in foot-irons, or strike harder without being hand-cuffed, so it was +equally apparent that a merchant would make a better bargain for himself +when he could have things all his own way than when his enterprise and +industry were shackled by the impertinent and selfish interposition of +the interests of others. In conclusion there was an eloquent description +of the demoralizing consequences of smuggling, and a pungent attack on +the tendencies of taxation in general. I have written and said some good +things in my time, as several of my dependents have sworn to me in a way +that even my natural modesty cannot repudiate; but I shall be excused +for the weakness if I now add that I believe this letter to Lord Pledge +contained some as clever points as anything I remember in their way; the +last paragraph in particular being positively the neatest and the best +turned moral I ever produced. + +Letter fourth was from the steward of the Householder estate. He spoke +of the difficulty of getting the rents; a difficulty that he imputed +altogether to the low price of corn. He said that it would soon be +necessary to relet certain farms; and he feared that the unthinking cry +against the corn-laws would affect the conditions. It was incumbent +on the landed interest to keep an eye on the popular tendencies as +respected this subject, for any material variation from the present +system would lower the rental of all the grain-growing counties in +England thirty per cent, at least at a blow. He concluded with a very +hard rap at the agrarians, a party that was just coming a little into +notice in Great Britain, and by a very ingenious turn, in which he +completely demonstrated that the protection of the landlord and the +support of the Protestant religion were indissolubly connected. There +was also a vigorous appeal to the common sense of the subject on the +danger to be apprehended by the people from themselves; which he treated +in a way that, a little more expanded, would have made a delightful +homily on the rights of man. + +I believe I meditated on the contents of this letter fully an hour. Its +writer, John Dobbs, was as worthy and upright a fellow as ever breathed; +and I could not but admire the surprising knowledge of men which shone +through every line he had indited. Something must be done it was clear; +and at length I determined to take the bull by the horns and to address +Mr. Huskisson at once, as the shortest way of coming at the evil. He +was the political sponsor for all the new notions on the subject of our +foreign mercantile policy; and by laying before him in a strong point of +view the fatal consequences of carrying his system to extremes, I hoped +something might yet be done for the owners of real estate, the bones and +sinews of the land. + +I shall just add in this place that Mr. Huskisson sent me a very polite +and a very statesman-like reply, in which he disclaimed any intention of +meddling improperly with British interests in any way; that taxation was +necessary to our system, and of course every nation was the best +judge of its own means and resources; but that he merely aimed at the +establishment of just and generous principles, by which nations that had +no occasion for British measures should not unhandsomely resort to +them; and that certain external truths should stand, like so many +well-constructed tubs, each on its own bottom. I must say I was pleased +with this attention from a man generally reputed as clever as Mr. +Huskisson, and from that time I became a convert to most of his +opinions. + +The next communication that I opened was from the overseer of the estate +in Louisiana, who informed me that the general aspect of things in that +quarter of the world was favorable, but the smallpox had found its way +among the negroes, and the business of the plantation would immediately +require the services of fifteen able-bodied men, with the usual +sprinkling of women and children. He added that the laws of America +prohibited the further importation of blacks from any country without +the limits of the Union, but that there was a very pretty and profitable +internal trade in the article, and that the supply might be obtained in +sufficient season either from the Carolinas, Virginia, or Maryland. +He admitted, however, that there was some choice between the different +stocks of these several States, and that some discretion might be +necessary in making the selection. The negro of the Carolinas was the +most used to the cotton-field, had less occasion for clothes, and it had +been proved by experiment could be fattened on red herrings; while, on +the other hand, the negro farther north had the highest instinct, could +sometimes reason, and that he had even been known to preach when he +had got as high up as Philadelphia. He much affected, also, bacon and +poultry. Perhaps it might be well to purchase samples of lots from all +the different stocks in market. + +In reply I assented to the latter idea, suggesting the expediency +of getting one or two of the higher castes from the north; I had no +objection to preaching provided they preached work; but I cautioned the +overseer particularly against schismatics. Preaching, in the abstract, +could do no harm; all depending on doctrine. + +This advice was given as the result of much earnest observation. Those +European states that had the most obstinately resisted the introduction +of letters, I had recently had occasion to remark were changing their +systems, and were about to act on the principle of causing "fire to +fight fire." They were fast having recourse to school-books, using no +other precaution than the simple expedient of writing them themselves. +By this ingenious invention poison was converted into food, and truths +of all classes were at once put above the dangers of disputations and +heresies. + +Having disposed of the Louisianian, I very gladly turned to the opening +of the sixth seal. The letter was from the efficient trustee of a +company to whose funds I had largely contributed by way of making an +investment in charity. It had struck me, a short time previously to +quitting home, that interests positive as most of those I had embarked +in had a tendency to render the spirit worldly; and I saw no other check +to such an evil than by seeking for some association with the saints, +in order to set up a balance against the dangerous propensity. +A lucky occasion offered through the wants of the +Philo-African-anti-compulsion-free-labor Society, whose +meritorious efforts were about to cease for the want of the great +charity-power--gold. A draft for five thousand pounds had obtained me +the honor of being advertised as a shareholder and a patron; and, I know +not why!--but it certainly caused me to inquire into the results +with far more interest than I had ever before felt in any similar +institution. Perhaps this benevolent anxiety arose from that principle +in our nature which induces us to look after whatever has been our own +as long as any part of it can be seen. + +The principal trustee of the Philo-African-anti-compulsion-free-labor +Society now wrote to state that some of the speculations which had +gone pari passu with the charity had been successful, and that the +shareholders were, by the fundamental provisions of the association, +entitled to a dividend, but--how often that awkward word stands between +the cup and the lip!--BUT that he was of opinion the establishment of +a new factory near a point where the slavers most resorted, and where +gold-dust and palm-oil were also to be had in the greatest quantities, +and consequently at the lowest prices, would equally benefit trade and +philanthropy; that by a judicious application of our means these two +interests might be made to see-saw very cleverly, as cause and effect, +effect and cause; that the black man would be spared an incalculable +amount of misery, the white man a grievous burden of sin, and the +particular agents of so manifest a good might quite reasonably calculate +on making at the very least forty per cent. per annum on their money +besides having all their souls saved in the bargain. Of course I +assented to a proposition so reasonable in itself, and which offered +benefits so plausible! + +The next epistle was from the head of a great commercial house in +Spain in which I had taken some shares, and whose interests had been +temporarily deranged by the throes of the people in their efforts to +obtain redress for real or imaginary wrongs. My correspondent showed a +proper indignation on the occasion, and was not sparing in his language +whenever he was called to speak of popular tumults. "What do the +wretches wish?" he asked with much point--"Our lives as well as our +property? Ah! my dear sir, this bitter fact impresses us all (by us +he meant the mercantile interests) with the importance of strong +executives. Where should we have been but for the bayonets of the king? +or what would have become of our altars, our firesides, and our persons, +had it not pleased God to grant us a monarch indomitable in will, +brave in spirit, and quick in action?" I wrote a proper answer of +congratulation and turned to the next epistle, which was the last of the +communications. + +The eighth letter was from the acting head of another commercial house +in New York, United States of America, or the country of Captain Poke, +where it would seem the president by a decided exercise of his authority +had drawn upon himself the execrations of a large portion of the +commercial interests of the country; since the effect of the measure, +right or wrong, as a legitimate consequence or not, by hook or by +crook, had been to render money scarce. There is no man so keen in his +philippics, so acute in discovering and so prompt in analyzing facts, so +animated in his philosophy, and so eloquent in his complaints, as your +debtor when money unexpectedly gets to be scarce. Credit, comfort, +bones, sinews, marrow and all appear to depend on the result; and it is +no wonder that, under so lively impressions, men who have hitherto been +content to jog on in the regular and quiet habits of barter, should +suddenly start up into logicians, politicians, aye, or even into +magicians. Such had been the case with my present correspondent, who +seemed to know and to care as little in general of the polity of his own +country as if he had never been in it, but who now was ready to +split hairs with a metaphysician, and who could not have written more +complacently of the constitution if he had even read it. My limits +will not allow an insertion of the whole letter, but one or two of its +sentences shall be given. "Is it tolerable, my dear sir," he went on to +say, "that the executive of ANY country, I will not say merely of our +own, should possess, or exercise, even admitting that he does possess +them, such unheard of powers? Our condition is worse than that of the +Mussulmans, who in losing their money usually lose their heads, and are +left in a happy insensibility to their sufferings: but, alas! there +is an end of the much boasted liberty of America! The executive has +swallowed up all the other branches of the government, and the next +thing will be to swallow up us. Our altars, our firesides, and our +persons will shortly be invaded; and I much fear that my next letter +will be received by you long after all correspondence shall be +prohibited, every means of communication cut off, and we ourselves shall +be precluded from writing, by being chained like beasts of burden to the +car of a bloody tyrant." Then followed as pretty a string of epithets +as I remember to have heard from the mouth of the veriest shrew at +Billingsgate. + +I could not but admire the virtue of the "social-stake system," which +kept men so sensibly alive to all their rights, let them live where they +would, or under what form of government, which was so admirably suited +to sustain truth and render us just. In reply I sent back epithet for +epithet, echoed all the groans of my correspondent, and railed as became +a man who was connected with a losing concern. + +This closed my correspondence for the present, and I arose wearied with +my labors, and yet greatly rejoicing in their fruits. It was now late, +but excitement prevented sleep; and before retiring for the night I +could not help looking in upon my guests. Captain Poke had gone to a +room in another part of the hotel, but the family of amiable strangers +were fast asleep in the antechamber. They had supped heartily as I was +assured, and were now indulging in a happy but temporary oblivion--to +use an improved expression--of all their wrongs. Satisfied with this +state of things, I now sought my own pillow, or, according to a favorite +phrase of Mr. Noah Poke, I also "turned in." + + + + +CHAPTER IX. THE COMMENCEMENT OF WONDERS, WHICH ARE THE MORE +EXTRAORDINARY ON ACCOUNT OF THEIR TRUTH. + + +I dare say my head had been on the pillow fully an hour before sleep +closed my eyes. During this time I had abundant occasion to understand +the activity of what are called the "busy thoughts." Mine were feverish, +glowing, and restless. They wandered over a wild field; one that +included Anna, with her beauty, her mild truth, her womanly softness, +and her womanly cruelty; Captain Poke and his peculiar opinions; the +amiable family of quadrupeds and their wounded sensibilities; the +excellences of the social-stake system; and, in short, most of that +which I had seen and heard during the last four-and-twenty hours. When +sleep did tardily arrive, it overtook me at the very moment that I +had inwardly vowed to forget my heartless mistress, and to devote +the remainder of my life to the promulgation of the doctrine of the +expansive-super-human-generalized-affection-principle, to the utter +exclusion of all narrow and selfish views, and in which I resolved to +associate myself with Mr. Poke, as with one who had seen a great deal of +this earth and its inhabitants, without narrowing down his sympathies in +favor of any one place or person in particular, Stunin'tun and himself +very properly excepted. + +It was broad daylight when I awoke on the following morning. My spirits +were calmed by rest, and my nerves had been soothed by the balmy +freshness of the atmosphere. It appeared that my valet had entered and +admitted the morning air, and then had withdrawn as usual to await the +signal of the bell before he presumed to reappear. I lay many minutes +in delicious repose, enjoying the periodical return of life and reason, +bringing with it the pleasures of thought and its ten thousand agreeable +associations. The delightful reverie into which I was insensibly +dropping was, however, ere long arrested by low, murmuring, and, as I +thought, plaintive voices at no great distance from my own bed. Seating +myself erect, I listened intently and with a good deal of surprise; for +it was not easy to imagine whence sounds so unusual for that place and +hour could proceed. The discourse was earnest and even animated; but +it was carried on in so low a tone that it would have been utterly +inaudible but for the deep quiet of the hotel. Occasionally a word +reached my ear, and I was completely at fault in endeavoring to +ascertain even the language. That it was in neither of the five great +European tongues I was certain, for all these I either spoke or read; +and there were particular sounds and inflections that induced me to +think that it savored of the most ancient of the two classics. It is +true that the prosody of these dialects, at the same time that it is +a shibboleth of learning, is a disputed point, the very sounds of the +vowels even being a matter of national convention; the Latin word dux, +for instance, being ducks in England, docks in Italy, and dukes in +France: yet there is a 'je ne sais quoi,' a delicacy in the auricular +taste of a true scholar, that will rarely lead him astray when his ears +are greeted with words that have been used by Demosthenes or Cicero. +[Footnote: Or Chichero, or Kickero, whichever may happen to suit the +prejudices of the reader.] In the present instance I distinctly heard +the word my-bom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-ton, which I made sure was a verb in the +dual number and second person, of a Greek root, but of a signification +that I could not on the instant master, but which beyond a question +every scholar will recognize as having a strong analogy to a well-known +line in Homer. If I was puzzled with the syllables that accidentally +reached me, I was no less perplexed with the intonations of the voices +of the different speakers. While it was easy to understand they were of +the two sexes, they had no direct affinity to the mumbling sibilations +of the English, the vehement monotony of the French, the gagging +sonorousness of the Spaniards, the noisy melody of the Italians, the +ear-splitting octaves of the Germans, or the undulating, head-over-heels +enunciation of the countrymen of my particular acquaintance Captain +Noah Poke. Of all the living languages of which I had any knowledge, the +resemblance was nearer to the Danish and Swedish than to any other; +but I much doubted at the time I first heard the syllables, and still +question, if there is exactly such a word as my-bom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-ton +to be found in even either of those tongues. I could no longer support +the suspense. The classical and learned doubts that beset me grew +intensely painful; and arising with the greatest caution, in order +not to alarm the speakers, I prepared to put an end to them all by the +simple and natural process of actual observation. + +The voices came from the antechamber, the door of which was slightly +open. Throwing on a dressing-gown, and thrusting my feet into slippers, +I moved on tiptoe to the aperture, and placed my eye in such a situation +as enabled me to command a view of the persons of those who were still +earnestly talking in the adjoining room. All surprise vanished the +moment I found that the four monkeys were grouped in a corner of the +apartment, where they were carrying on a very animated dialogue, the two +oldest of the party (a male and a female) being the principal speakers. +It was not to be expected that even a graduate of Oxford, although +belonging to a sect so proverbial for classical lore that many of them +knew nothing else, could at the first hearing decide upon the analogies +and character of a tongue that is so little cultivated even in that +ancient sea of learning. Although I had now certainly a direct clew to +the root of the dialect of the speakers, I found it quite impossible to +get any useful acquaintance with the general drift of what was passing +among them. As they were my guests, however, and might possibly be in +want of some of the conveniences that were necessary to their habits, or +might even be suffering under still graver embarrassments, I conceived +it to be a duty to waive the ordinary usages of society, and at once +offer whatever it was in my power to bestow, at the risk of interrupting +concerns that they might possibly wish to consider private. Using the +precaution, therefore, to make a little noise, as the best means of +announcing my approach, the door was gently opened, and I presented +myself to view. At first I was a little at a loss in what manner to +address the strangers; but believing that a people who spoke a language +so difficult of utterance and so rich as that I had just heard, like +those who use dialects derived from the Slavonian root, were most +probably the masters of all others; and remembering, moreover, that +French was a medium of thought among all polite people, I determined to +have recourse to that tongue. "Messieurs et mesdames," I said, +inclining my body in salutation, "mille pardons four cette intrusion feu +convenable"--but as I am writing in English it may be well to translate +the speeches as I proceed; although I abandon with regret the advantage +of going through them literally, and in the appropriate dialect in which +they were originally spoken. + +"Gentlemen and ladies," I said, inclining my body in salutation, "I ask +a thousand pardons for this inopportune intrusion on your retirement; +but overhearing a few of what I much fear are but too well-grounded +complaints, touching the false position in which you are placed as the +occupant of this apartment, and in that light your host, I have ventured +to approach, with no other desire than the wish that you would make me +the repository of all your griefs, in order, if possible, that they may +be repaired as soon as circumstances shall in any manner allow." + +The strangers were very naturally a little startled at my unexpected +appearance, and at the substance of what I had just said. I observed +that the two ladies were apparently in some slight degree even +distressed, the younger turning her head on one side in maiden modesty, +while the elder, a duenna sort of looking person, dropped her eyes to +the floor, but succeeded in better maintaining her self-possession and +gravity. The eldest of the two gentlemen approached me with dignified +composure, after a moment of hesitation, and returning my salute by +waving his tail with singular grace and decorum, he answered as follows. +I may as well state in this place that he spoke the French about as well +as an Englishman who has lived long enough on the continent to fancy he +can travel in the provinces without being detected for a foreigner. Au +reste, his accent was slightly Russian, and his enunciation whistling +and harmonious. The females, especially in some of the lower keys of +their voices, made sounds not unlike the sighing tones of the Eolian +harp. It was really a pleasure to hear them; but I have often had +occasion to remark that, in every country but one, which I do not care +to name, the language when uttered by the softer sex takes new charms, +and is rendered more delightful to the ear. + +"Sir," said the stranger, when he had done waving his tail, "I should do +great injustice to my feelings, and to the monikin character in general, +were I to neglect expressing some small portion of the gratitude I feel +on the present occasion. Destitute, houseless, insulted wanderers and +captives, fortune has at length shed a ray of happiness on our miserable +condition, and hope begins to shine through the cloud of our distress, +like a passing gleam of the sun. From my very tail, sir, in my own name +and in that of this excellent and most prudent matron, and in those of +these two noble and youthful lovers, I thank you. Yes! honorable and +humane being of the genus homo, species Anglicus, we all return our most +tail-felt acknowledgments of your goodness!" + +Here the whole party gracefully bent the ornaments in question over +their heads, touching their receding foreheads with the several tips, +and bowed. I would have given ten thousand pounds at that moment to +have had a good investment in tails, in order to emulate their form of +courtesy; but naked, shorn, and destitute as I was, with a feeling of +humility I was obliged to put my head a little on one shoulder and give +the ordinary English bob, in return for their more elaborate politeness. + +"If I were merely to say, sir," I continued, when the opening +salutations were thus properly exchanged, "that I am charmed at this +accidental interview, the word would prove very insufficient to express +my delight. Consider this hotel as your own; its domestics as your +domestics; its stores of condiments as your stores of condiments, and +its nominal tenant as your most humble servant and friend. I have been +greatly shocked at the indignities to which you have hitherto been +exposed, and now promise you liberty, kindness, and all those attentions +to which it is very apparent you are fully entitled by your birth, +breeding, and the delicacy of your sentiments. I congratulate myself +a thousand times for having been so fortunate as to make your +acquaintance. My greatest desire has always been to stimulate the +sympathies; but until to-day various accidents have confined the +cultivation of this heaven-born property in a great measure to my own +species; I now look forward, however, to a delicious career of new-born +interests in the whole of the animal creation, I need scarcely say in +that of quadrupeds of your family in particular." + +"Whether we belong to the class of quadrupeds or not, is a question +that has a good deal embarrassed our own savans" returned the stranger. +"There is an ambiguity in our physical action that renders the point a +little questionable; and therefore, I think, the higher castes of our +natural philosophers rather prefer classing the entire monikin species, +with all its varieties, as caudae-jactans, or tail-wavers; adopting +the term from the nobler part of the animal formation. Is not this the +better opinion at home, my Lord Chatterino?" he asked, turning to the +youth, who stood respectfully at his side. + +"Such, I believe, my dear Doctor, was the last classification sanctioned +by the academy," the young noble replied, with a readiness that proved +him to be both well-informed and intelligent, and at the same time with +a reserve of manner that did equal credit to his modesty and breeding. +"The question of whether we are or are not bipeds has greatly agitated +the schools for more than three centuries." + +"The use of this gentleman's name," I hastily rejoined, "my dear sir, +reminds me that we are but half acquainted with each other. Permit me to +waive ceremony, and to announce myself at once as Sir John Goldencalf, +Baronet, of Householder Hall, in the kingdom of Great Britain, a poor +admirer of excellence wherever it is to be found, or under whatever +form, and a devotee of the system of the 'social-stake.'" + +"I am happy to be admitted to the honor of this formal introduction, Sir +John. In return I beg you will suffer me to say that this young nobleman +is, in our own dialect, No. 6, purple; or, to translate the appellation, +my Lord Chat-terino. This young lady is No. 4, violet, or, my Lady +Chatterissa. This excellent and prudent matron is No. 4,626,243, russet, +or, Mistress Vigilance Lynx, to translate her appellation also into the +English tongue; and that I am No. 22,817, brown-study color, or, Dr. +Reasono, to give you a literal signification of my name--a poor disciple +of the philosophers of our race, an LL.D., and a F.U.D.G.E., the +travelling tutor of this heir of one of the most illustrious and the +most ancient houses of the island of Leaphigh, in the monikin section of +mortality." + +"Every syllable, learned Dr. Reasono, that falls from your revered lips +only whets curiosity and adds fuel to the flame of desire, tempting me +to inquire further into your private history, your future intentions, +the polity of your species, and all those interesting topics that +will readily suggest themselves to one of your quick apprehension and +extensive acquirements. I dread being thought indiscreet, and yet, +putting yourself in my position, I trust you will overlook a wish so +natural and so ardent." + +"Apology is unnecessary, Sir John, and nothing would afford me greater +satisfaction than to answer any and every inquiry you may be disposed to +make." + +"Then, sir, to cut short all useless circumlocution, suffer me to ask at +once an explanation of the system of enumeration by which you indicate +individuals? You are called No. 22,817, brown-study color--" + +"Or Dr. Reasono. As you are an Englishman, you will perhaps understand +me better if I refer to a recent practice of the new London police. You +may have observed that the men wear letters in red or white, and numbers +on the capes of their coats. By the letters the passenger can refer to +the company of the officer, while the number indicates the individual. +Now, the idea of this improvement came, I make no doubt, from our +system, under which society is divided into castes, for the sake of +harmony and subordination, and these castes are designated by colors +and shades of colors that are significant of their stations and +pursuits--the individual, as in the new police, being known by the +number. Our own language being exceedingly sententious, is capable +of expressing the most elaborate of these combinations in a very few +sounds. I should add that there is no difference in the manner of +distinguishing the sexes, with the exception that each is numbered +apart, and each has a counterpart color to that of the same caste in +the other sex. Thus purple and violet are both noble, the former being +masculine and the latter feminine, and russet being the counterpart of +brown-study color." + +"And--excuse my natural ardor to know more--and do you bear these +numbers and colors marked on your attire in your own region?" + +"As for attire, Sir John, the monikins are too highly improved, mentally +and physically, to need any. It is known that in all cases extremes +meet. The savage is nearer to nature than the merely civilized being, +and the creature that has passed the mystifications of a middle state +of improvement finds himself again approaching nearer to the habits, the +wishes, and the opinions of our common mother. As the real gentleman is +more simple in manners than the distant imitator of his deportment; as +fashions and habits are always more exaggerated in provincial towns +than in polished capitals; or as the profound philosopher has less +pretensions than the tyro, so does our common genus, as it draws nearer +to the consummation of its destiny and its highest attainments, learn +to reject the most valued usages of the middle condition, and to return +with ardor towards nature as to a first love. It is on this principle, +sir, that the monikin family never wear clothes." + +"I could not but perceive that the ladies have manifested some +embarrassment ever since I entered--is it possible that their delicacy +has taken the alarm at the state of my toilet?" + +"At the toilet itself, Sir John, rather than at its state, if I must +speak plainly. The female mind, trained as it is with us from infancy +upwards in the habits and usages of nature, is shocked by any +departure from her rules. You will know how to make allowances for +the squeamishness of the sex, for I believe it is much alike in this +particular, let it come from what quarter of the earth it may." + +"I can only excuse the seeming want of politeness by my ignorance, Dr. +Reasono. Before I ask another question the oversight shall be repaired. +I must retire into my own chamber for an instant, gentlemen and ladies, +and I beg you will find such sources of amusement as first offer until I +can return. There are nuts, I believe, in this closet; sugar is usually +kept on that table, and perhaps the ladies might find some relaxation by +exercising themselves on the chairs. In a single moment I shall be with +you again." + +Hereupon I withdrew into my bed-chamber, and began to lay aside the +dressing-gown as well as my shirt. Remembering, however, that I was but +too liable to colds in the head, I returned to ask Dr. Reasono to +step in where I was for an instant. On mentioning the difficulty, this +excellent person assumed the office of preparing his female friends +to overlook the slight innovation of my still wearing the nightcap and +slippers. + +"The ladies would think nothing of it," the philosopher good-humoredly +remarked, by way of lessening my regrets at having wounded their +sensibilities, "were you even to appear in a military cloak and Hessian +boots, provided it was not thought that you were of their acquaintance +and in their immediate society. I think you must have often remarked +among the sex of your own species, who are frequently quite indifferent +to nudities (their prejudices running counter to ours) that appear in +the streets, but which would cause them instantly to run out of the +room when exhibited in the person of an acquaintance; these conventional +asides being tolerated everywhere by a judicious concession of +punctilios that might otherwise become insupportable." + +"The distinction is too reasonable to require another word of +explanation, dear sir. Now let us rejoin the ladies, since I am at +length in some degree fit to be seen." + +I was rewarded for this bit of delicate attention by an approving smile +from the lovely Chatterissa, and good Mistress Lynx no longer kept her +eyes riveted on the floor, but bent them on me with looks of admiration +and gratitude. + +"Now that this little contre-temps is no longer an obstacle," I resumed, +"permit me to continue those inquiries which you have hitherto answered +with so much amenity and so satisfactorily. As you have no clothes, +in what manner is the parallel between your usage and that of the new +London police practically completed?" + +"Although we have no clothes, nature, whose laws are never violated with +impunity, but who is as beneficent as she is absolute, has furnished us +with a downy covering to supply their places wherever clothes are needed +for comfort. We have coats that defy fashions, require no tailors, and +never lose their naps. But it would be inconvenient to be totally clad +in this manner; and, therefore, the palms of the hands are, as you see, +ungloved; the portions of the frame on which we seat ourselves are +left uncovered, most probably lest some inconvenience should arise from +taking accidental and unfavorable positions. This is the part of the +monikin frame the best adapted for receiving paint, and the numbers of +which I have spoken are periodically renewed there, at public offices +appointed for that purpose. Our characters are so minute as to escape +the human eye; but by using that opera-glass, I make no doubt that you +may still see some of my own enregistration, although, alas! unusual +friction, great misery, and, I may say, unmerited wrongs, have nearly +un-monikined me in this, as well as in various other particulars." + +As Dr. Reasono had the complaisance to turn round, and to use his tail +like the index of a black-board, by aid of the glass I very distinctly +traced the figures to which he alluded. Instead of being in paint, +however, as he had given me reason to anticipate, they seemed to be +branded, or burnt in, indelibly, as we commonly mark horses, thieves, +and negroes. On mentioning the fact to the philosopher, it was explained +with his usual facility and politeness. + +"You are quite right, sir," he said; "the omission of paint was to +prevent tautology, an offence against the simplicity of the monikin +dialect, as well as against monikin taste, that would have been +sufficient, under our opinions, even to overturn the government." + +"Tautology!" + +"Tautology, Sir John; on examining the background of the picture, you +will perceive that it is already of a dusky, sombre hue; now, this being +of a meditative and grave character, has been denominated by our academy +the 'brown-study color'; and it would clearly have been supererogatory +to lay the same tint upon it. No, sir; we avoid repetitions even in our +prayers, deeming them to be so many proofs of an illogical and of an +anti-consecutive mind." + +"The system is admirable, and I see new beauties at each moment. You +enjoy the advantage, for instance, under this mode of enumeration, of +knowing your acquaintances from behind, quite as well as if you met them +face to face!" + +"The suggestion is ingenious, showing an active and an +observant mind; but it does not quite reach the motive of the +politico-numerical-identity system of which we are speaking. The objects +of this arrangement are altogether of a higher and more useful nature; +nor do we usually recognize our friends by their countenances, which at +the best are no more than so many false signals, but by their tails." + +"This is admirable! What a facility you possess for recognizing an +acquaintance who may happen to be up a tree! But may I presume to +inquire, Dr. Reasono, what are the most approved of the advantages of +the politico-numerical-identity system? For impatience is devouring my +vitals." + +"They are connected with the interests of government. You know, sir, +that society is established for the purposes of governments, and +governments, themselves, mainly to facilitate contributions and +taxations. Now, by the numerical system, we have every opportunity +of including the whole monikin race in the collections, as they are +periodically checked off by their numbers. The idea was a happy thought +of an eminent statistician of ours, who gained great credit at court +by the invention, and, in fact, who was admitted to the academy in +consequence of its ingenuity." + +"Still it must be admitted, my dear Doctor," put in Lord Chatterino, +always with the modesty, and, perhaps I might add, with the generosity +of youth, "that there are some among us who deny that society was +made for governments, and who maintain that governments were made for +society; or, in other words, for monikins." + +"Mere theorists, my good lord; and their opinions, even if true, are +never practised on. Practice is everything in political matters; and +theories are of no use, except as they confirm practice." + +"Both theory and practice are perfect," I cried, "and I make no doubt +that the classification into colors, or castes, enables the authorities +to commence the imposts with the richest, or the 'purples.'" + +"Sir, monikin prudence never lays the foundation-stone at the summit; +it seeks the base of the edifice; and as contributions are the walls of +society, we commence with the bottom. When you shall know us better, Sir +John Goldencalf, you will begin to comprehend the beauty and benevolence +of the entire monikin economy." + +I now adverted to the frequent use of this word "monikin"; and, +admitting my ignorance, desired an explanation of the term, as well as a +more general insight into the origin, history, hopes, and polity of the +interesting strangers; if they can be so called who were already so well +known to me. Dr. Reasono admitted that the request was natural and +was entitled to respect; but he delicately suggested the necessity of +sustaining the animal function by nutriment, intimating that the +ladies had supped but in an indifferent way the evening before, and +acknowledging that, philosopher as he was, he should go through the +desired explanations after improving the slight acquaintance he had +already made with certain condiments in one of the armoires, with far +more zeal and point, than could possibly be done in the present state +of his appetite. The suggestion was so very plausible that there was no +resisting it; and, suppressing my curiosity as well as I could, the bell +was rung. I retired to my bed-chamber to resume so much of my attire as +was necessary to the semi-civilization of man, and then the necessary +orders were given to the domestics, who, by the way, were suffered to +remain under the influence of those ordinary and vulgar prejudices +that are pretty generally entertained by the human, against the monikin +family. + +Previously to separating from my new friend Dr. Reasono, however, I took +him aside, and stated that I had an acquaintance in the hotel, a person +of singular philosophy, after the human fashion, and a great traveller; +and that I desired permission to let him into the secret of our intended +lecture on the monikin economy, and to bring him with me as an auditor. +To this request, No. 22,817, brown-study color, or Dr. Reasono, gave +a very cordial assent; hinting delicately, at the same time, his +expectation that this new auditor, who, of course, was no other than +Captain Noah Poke, would not deem it disparaging to his manhood, to +consult the sensibilities of the ladies, by appearing in the garments +of that only decent and respectable tailor and draper, nature. To this +suggestion I gave a ready approval; when each went his way, after the +usual salutations of bowing and tail-waving, with a mutual promise of +being punctual to the appointment. + + + + +CHAPTER X. A GREAT DEAL OF NEGOTIATION, IN WHICH HUMAN SHREWDNESS +IS COMPLETELY SHAMED, AND HUMAN INGENUITY IS SHOWN TO BE OF A VERY +SECONDARY QUALITY. + + +Mr. Poke listened to my account of all that had passed, with a very +sedate gravity. He informed me that he had witnessed so much ingenuity +among the seals, and had known so many brutes that seemed to have the +sagacity of men, and so many men who appeared to have the stupidity of +brutes, that he had no difficulty whatever in believing every word I +told him. He expressed his satisfaction, too, at the prospect of hearing +a lecture on natural philosophy and political economy from the lips of +a monkey; although he took occasion to intimate that no desire to learn +anything lay at the bottom of his compliance; for, in his country, these +matters were pretty generally studied in the district schools, the very +children who ran about the streets of 'Stunin'tun' usually knowing more +than most of the old people in foreign parts. Still a monkey might have +some new ideas; and for his part, he was willing to hear what every +one had to say; for, if a man didn't put in a word for himself in this +world, he might be certain no one else would take the pains to speak +for him. But when I came to mention the details of the programme of +the forthcoming interview, and stated that it was expected the audience +would wear their own skins, out of respect to the ladies, I greatly +feared that my friend would have so far excited himself as to go into +fits. The rough old sealer swore some terrible oaths, protesting "that +he would not make a monkey of himself, by appearing in this garb, for +all the monikin philosophers, or high-born females, that could be stowed +in a ship's hold; that he was very liable to take cold; that he once +knew a man who undertook to play beast in this manner, and the first +thing the poor devil knew, he had great claws and a tail sprouting out +of him; a circumstance that he had always attributed to a just judgment +for striving to make himself more than Providence had intended him for; +that, provided a man's ears were naked, he could hear just as well as if +his whole body was naked; that he did not complain of the monkeys going +in their skins, and that they ought, in reason, not to meddle with +his clothes; that he should be scratching himself the whole time, and +thinking what a miserable figure he cut; that he would have no place to +keep his tobacco; that he was apt to be deaf when he was cold; that he +would be d----d if he did any such thing; that human natur' and monkey +natur' were not the same, and it was not to be expected that men and +monkeys should follow exactly the same fashions; that the meeting +would have the appearance of a boxing match, instead of a philosophical +lecture; that he never heard of such a thing at Stunin'tun; that he +should feel sneaking at seeing his own shins in the presence of ladies; +that a ship always made better weather under some canvas than under bare +poles; that he might possibly be brought to his shirt and pantaloons, +but as for giving up these, he would as soon think of cutting the +sheet-anchor off his bows, with the vessel driving on a lee-shore; that +flesh and blood were flesh and blood, and they liked their comfort; that +he should think the whole time he was about to go in a-swimming, and +should be looking about for a good place to dive"; together with a great +many more similar objections, that have escaped me in the multitude of +things of greater interest which have since occupied my time. I have +frequently had occasion to observe, that, when a man has one good, solid +reason for his decision, it is no easy matter to shake it; but, that +he who has a great many, usually finds them of far less account in the +struggle of opinions. Such proved to be the fact with Captain Poke on +the present occasion. I succeeded in stripping him of his garments, one +by one, until I got him reduced to the shirt, where, like a stout ship +that is easily brought to her bearings by the breeze, he "stuck and +hung" in a manner to manifest it would require a heavy strain to bring +him down any lower. A lucky thought relieved us all from the dilemma. +There were a couple of good large bison-skins among my effects, and on +suggesting to Dr. Reasono the expediency of encasing Captain Poke in +the folds of one of them, the philosopher cheerfully assented, observing +that any object of a natural and simple formation was agreeable to the +monikin senses; their objections were merely to the deformities of art, +which they deemed to be so many offences against Providence. On this +explanation, I ventured to hint that, being still in the infancy of the +new civilization, it would be very agreeable to my ancient habits, could +I be permitted to use one of the skins, also, while Mr. Poke occupied +the other. Not the slightest objection was raised to the proposal, and +measures were immediately taken to prepare us to appear in good company. +Soon after I received from Dr. Reasono a protocol of the conditions that +were to regulate the approaching interview. This document was written in +Latin, out of respect to the ancients, and as I afterwards understood, +it was drawn up by my Lord Chatterino, who had been educated for the +diplomatic career at home, previously to the accident which had thrown +him, alas! into human hands. I translate it freely, for the benefit of +the ladies, who usually prefer their own tongues to any others. + +Protocol of an interview that is to take place between Sir John +Goldencalf, Bart., of Householder Hall, in the kingdom of Great Britain, +and No. 22,817, brown-study color, or Socrates Reasono, F.U.D.G.E., +Professor of Probabilities in the University of Monikinia, and in the +kingdom of Leaphigh: + +The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.: + +ARTICLE 1. That there shall be an interview. + +ART. 2. That the said interview shall be a peaceable interview, and not +a belligerent interview. + +ART. 3. That the said interview shall be logical, explanatory, and +discursory. + +ART. 4. That during said interview, Dr. Reasono shall have the privilege +of speaking most, and Sir John Goldencalf the privilege of hearing most. + +ART. 5. That Sir John Goldencalf shall have the privilege of asking +questions, and Dr. Reasono the privilege of answering them. + +ART. 6. That a due regard shall be had to both human and monikin +prejudices and sensibilities. + +ART. 7. That Dr. Reasono, and any monikins who may accompany him, shall +smooth their coats, and otherwise dispose of their natural vestments, in +a way that shall be as agreeable as possible to Sir John Goldencalf and +his friend. + +ART. 8. That Sir John Goldencalf, and any man who may accompany him, +shall appear in bison-skins, wearing no other clothing, in order to +render themselves as agreeable as possible to Dr. Reasono and his +friends. + +ART. 9. That the conditions of this protocol shall be respected. + +ART. 10. That any doubtful significations in this protocol shall be +interpreted, as near as may be, in favor of both parties. + +ART. 11. That no precedent shall be established to the prejudice of +either the human or the monikin dialect, by the adoption of the Latin +language on this occasion. + +Delighted with this proof of attention on the part of my Lord +Chatterino, I immediately left a card for that young nobleman, and then +seriously set about preparing myself, with an increased scrupulousness, +for the fulfilment of the smallest condition of the compact. Captain +Poke was soon ready, and I must say that he looked more like a quadruped +on its hind legs, in his new attire, than a human being. As for my own +appearance, I trust it was such as became my station and character. + +At the appointed time all the parties were assembled, Lord Chatterino +appearing with a copy of the protocol in his hand. This instrument was +formally read, by the young peer, in a very creditable manner, when a +silence ensued, as if to invite comment. I know not how it is, but I +never yet heard the positive stipulations of any bargain, that I did not +feel a propensity to look out for weak places in them. I had begun to +see that the discussion might lead to argument, argument to comparisons +between the two species, and something like an esprit de corps was +stirring within me. It now struck me that a question might be fairly +raised as to the propriety of Dr. Reasono's appearing with THREE +backers, while I had but ONE. The objection was therefore urged on my +part, I hope, in a modest and conciliatory manner. In reply, my Lord +Chatterino observed, it was true the protocol spoke in general terms of +mutual supporters, but if-- + +"Sir John Goldencalf would be at the trouble of referring to the +instrument itself, he would see that the backers of Dr. Reasono were +mentioned in the plural number, while that of Sir John himself was +alluded to only in the singular number." + +"Perfectly true, my lord; but you will, however, permit me to remark +that two monikins would completely fulfil the conditions in favor of Dr. +Reasono, while he appears here with three; there certainly must be some +limits to this plurality, or the Doctor would have a right to attend the +interview accompanied by all the inhabitants of Leaphigh." + +"The objection is highly ingenious, and creditable in the last degree +to the diplomatic abilities of Sir John Goldencalf; but, among monikins, +two females are deemed equal to only one male, in the eye of the law. +Thus, in cases which require two witnesses, as in conveyances of real +estate, two male monikins are sufficient, whereas it would be necessary +to have four female signatures, in order to give the instrument +validity. In the legal sense, therefore, I conceive that Dr. Reasono is +attended by only two monikins." + +Captain Poke hereupon observed that this provision in the law of +Leaphigh was a good one; for he often had occasion to remark that women, +quite half the time, did not know what they were about; and he thought, +in general, that they require more ballast than men. + +"This reply would completely cover the case, my lord," I answered, +"were the protocol purely a monikin document, and this assembly purely a +monikin assembly. But the facts are notoriously otherwise. The document +is drawn up in a common vehicle of thought among scholars, and I gladly +seize the opportunity to add, that I do not remember to have seen a +better specimen of modern latinity." + +"It is undeniable, Sir John," returned Lord Chatterino, waving his tail +in acknowledgment of the compliment, "that the protocol itself is in +a language that has now become common property; but the mere medium +of thought, on such occasions, is of no great moment, provided it +is neutral as respects the contracting parties; moreover, in this +particular case, article 11 of the protocol contains a stipulation +that no legal consequences whatever are to follow the use of the +Latin language; a stipulation that leaves the contracting parties in +possession of their original rights. Now, as the lecture is to be a +monikin lecture, given by a monikin philosopher, and on monikin grounds, +I humbly urge that it is proper the interview should generally be +conducted on monikin principles." + +"If by monikin grounds, is meant monikin ground (which I have a right to +assume, since the greater necessarily includes the less), I beg leave to +remind your lordship, that the parties are, at this moment, in a neutral +country, and that, if either of them can set up a claim of territorial +jurisdiction, or the rights of the flag, these claims must be admitted +to be human, since the locataire of this apartment is a man, in control +of the locus in quo, and pro hac vice, the suzerain." + +"Your ingenuity has greatly exceeded my construction, Sir John, and +I beg leave to amend my plea. All I mean is, that the leading +consideration in this interview, is a monikin interest--that we are met +to propound, explain, digest, animadvert on, and embellish a monikin +theme--that the accessory must be secondary to the principal--that +the lesser must merge, not in your sense, but in my sense, in the +greater--and, by consequence, that--" + +"You will accord me your pardon, my dear lord, but I hold--" + +"Nay, my good Sir John, I trust to your intelligence to be excused if I +say--" + +"One word, my Lord Chatterino, I pray you, in order that--" + +"A thousand, very cheerfully, Sir John, but--" + +"My Lord Chatterino!" + +"Sir John Goldencalf!" + +Hereupon we both began talking at the same time, the noble young monikin +gradually narrowing down the direction of his observations to the single +person of Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, who, I afterwards had occasion to know, +was an excellent listener; and I, in my turn, after wandering from +eye to eye, settled down into a sort of oration that was especially +addressed to the understanding of Captain Noah Poke. My auditor +contrived to get one ear entirely clear of the bison's skin, and nodded +approbation of what fell from me, with a proper degree of human and +clannish spirit. We might possibly have harangued in this desultory +manner, to the present time, had not the amiable Chatterissa advanced, +and, with the tact and delicacy which distinguish her sex, by placing +her pretty patte on the mouth of the young nobleman, effectually checked +his volubility. When a horse is running away, he usually comes to a dead +stop, after driving through lanes, and gates, and turnpikes, the moment +he finds himself master of his own movements, in an open field. Thus, +in my own case, no sooner did I find myself in sole possession of the +argument, than I brought it to a close. Dr. Reasono improved the pause, +to introduce a proposition that, the experiment already made by myself +and Lord Chatterino being evidently a failure, he and Mr. Poke should +retire and make an effort to agree upon an entirely new programme of the +proceedings. This happy thought suddenly restored peace; and, while the +two negotiators were absent, I improved the opportunity to become better +acquainted with the lovely Chatterissa and her female Mentor. Lord +Chatterino, who possessed all the graces of diplomacy, who could turn +from a hot and angry discussion, on the instant, to the most bland and +winning courtesy, was foremost in promoting my wishes, inducing his +charming mistress to throw aside the reserve of a short acquaintance, +and to enter, at once, into a free and friendly discourse. + +Some time elapsed before the plenipotentiaries returned, for it appears +that, owing to a constitutional peculiarity, or, as he subsequently +explained it himself, a "Stunin'tun principle," Captain Poke conceived +he was bound, in a bargain, to dispute every proposition which came from +the other party. This difficulty would probably have proved insuperable, +had not Dr. Reasono luckily bethought him of a frank and liberal +proposal to leave every other article, without reserve, to the sole +dictation of his colleague, reserving to himself the same privilege for +all the rest. Noah, after being well assured that the philosopher was +no lawyer, assented; and the affair, once begun in this spirit of +concession, was soon brought to a close. And here I would recommend this +happy expedient to all negotiators of knotty and embarrassing treaties, +since it enables each party to gain his point, and probably leaves as +few openings for subsequent disputes, as any other mode that has yet +been adopted. The new instrument ran as follows, it having been written, +in duplicate, in English and in Monikin. It will be seen that the +pertinacity of one of the negotiators gave it very much the character of +a capitulation. + +PROTOCOL of an Interview, &c., &c., &c. + +The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.: + +ARTICLE 1. There shall be an interview. + +ART. 2. Agreed; provided all the parties can come and go at pleasure. + +ART. 3. The said interview shall be conducted, generally, on +philosophical and liberal principles. + +ART. 4. Agreed; provided tobacco may be used at discretion. + +ART. 5. That either party shall have the privilege of propounding +questions, and either party the privilege of answering them. + +ART. 6. Agreed; provided no one need listen, or no one talk, unless so +disposed. + +ART. 7. The attire of all present shall be conformable to the abstract +rules of propriety and decorum. + +ART. 8. Agreed; provided the bison-skins may be reefed, from time to +time, according to the state of the weather. + +ART. 9. The provisions of this protocol shall be rigidly respected. + +ART. 10. Agreed; provided no advantage be taken by lawyers. + +Lord Chatterino and myself pounced upon the respective documents like +two hawks, eagerly looking for flaws, or the means of maintaining the +opinions we had before advanced, and which we had both shown so much +cleverness in supporting. + +"Why, my lord, there is no provision for the appearance of any monikins +at all at this interview!" + +"The generality of the terms leaves it to be inferred that all may come +and go who may be so disposed." + +"Your pardon, my lord; article 8 contains a direct allusion to +BISON-SKINS in the PLURAL, and under circumstances from which it +follows, by a just deduction, that it was contemplated that more than +ONE wearer of the said skins should be present at the said interview." + +"Perfectly just, Sir John; but you will suffer me to observe that by +article 1, it is conditioned that there shall be an interview; and by +article 3, it is furthermore agreed that the said interview shall +be conducted 'on philosophical and liberal principles'; now, it need +scarcely be urged, good Sir John, that it would be the extreme of +illiberality to deny to one party any privilege that was possessed by +the other." + +"Perfectly just my lord, were this an affair of mere courtesy; but legal +constructions must be made on legal principles, or else, as jurists and +diplomatists, we are all afloat on the illimitable ocean of conjecture." + +"And yet article 10 expressly stipulates that 'no advantage shall be +taken by lawyers.' By considering articles 3 and 10 profoundly and in +conjunction, we learn that it was the intention of the negotiators +to spread the mantle of liberality, apart from all the subtleties and +devices of mere legal practitioners, over the whole proceedings. Permit +me, in corroboration of what is now urged, to appeal to the voices of +those who framed the very conditions about which we are now arguing. Did +YOU, sir," continued my Lord Chatterino, turning to Captain Poke, with +emphasis and dignity; "did you, sir, when you drew up this celebrated +article 10--did you deem that you were publishing authority of which the +lawyers could take advantage?" + +A deep and very sonorous "No," was the energetic reply of Mr. Poke. + +My Lord Chatterino, then turning, with equal grace, to the Doctor, first +diplomatically waving his tail three times, continued: + +"And you, sir, in drawing up article 3, did you conceive that you were +supporting and promulgating illiberal principles?" + +The question was met by a prompt negative, when the young noble paused, +and looked at me like one who had completely triumphed. + +"Perfectly eloquent, completely convincing, irrefutably argumentative, +and unanswerably just, my lord," I put in; "but I must be permitted to +hint that the validity of all laws is derived from the enactment; +now the enactment, or, in the case of a treaty, the virtue of the +stipulation, is not derived from the intention of the party who may +happen to draw up a law or a clause, but from the assent of the legal +deputies. In the present instance, there are two negotiators, and I now +ask permission to address a few questions to them, reversing the order +of your own interrogatories; and the result may possibly furnish a +clue to the quo animo, in a new light." Addressing the philosopher, I +continued--"Did YOU, sir, in assenting to article 10, imagine that you +were defeating justice, countenancing oppression, and succoring might to +the injury of right?" + +The answer was a solemn, and, I do not doubt, a very conscientious, +"No." + +"And YOU, sir," turning to Captain Poke, "did you, in assenting to +article 3, in the least conceive that, by any possibility, the foes of +humanity could torture your approbation into the means of determining +that the bison-skin wearers were not to be upon a perfect footing with +the best monikins of the land?" + +"Blast me, if I did!" + +But, Sir John Goldencalf, the Socratic method of reasoning--" + +"Was first resorted to by yourself, my lord--" + +"Nay, good Sir--" + +"Permit me, my dear lord--" + +"Sir John--" + +"My lord--" + +Hereupon the gentle Chatterissa again advanced, and by another timely +interposition of her graceful tact, she succeeded in preventing the +reply. The parallel of the runaway horse was acted over, and I came to +another stand-still. Lord Chatterino now gallantly proposed that the +whole affair should be referred, with full powers, to the ladies. I +could not refuse; and the plenipotentiaries retired, under a growling +accompaniment of Captain Poke, who pretty plainly declared that women +caused more quarrels than all the rest of the world, and, from the +little he had seen, he expected it would turn out the same with +monikinas. + +The female sex certainly possess a facility of composition that is +denied our portion of the creation. In an incredibly short time, the +referees returned with the following programme: + +PROTOCOL of an Interview between, &c., &c. + +The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.: + +ARTICLE 1. There shall be an amicable, logical, philosophical, ethical, +liberal, general, and controversial interview. + +ART. 2. The interview shall be amicable. + +ART. 3. The interview shall be general. + +ART. 4. The interview shall be logical. + +ART. 5. The interview shall be ethical. + +ART. 6. The interview shall be philosophical. + +ART. 7. The interview shall be liberal. + +ART. 8. The interview shall be controversial. + +ART. 9. The interview shall be controversial, liberal, philosophical, +ethical, logical, general, and amicable. + +ART. 10. The interview shall be as particularly agreed upon. + +The cat does not leap upon the mouse with more avidity than Lord +Chatterino and myself pounced upon the third protocol, seeking new +grounds for the argument that each was resolved on. + +"Auguste! cher Auguste!" exclaimed the lovely Chatterissa, in the +prettiest Parisian accent I thought I had ever heard--"Pour moi!" + +"A moi! monseignear!" I put in, flourishing my copy of the protocol--I +was checked in the midst of this controversial ardor by a tug at the +bison-skin; when, casting a look behind me, I saw Captain Poke winking +and making other signs that he wished to say a word in a corner. + +"I think, Sir John," observed the worthy sealer, "if we ever mean to let +this bargain come to a catastrophe, it might as well be done now. The +females have been cunning, but the deuce is in it if we cannot weather +upon two women before the matter is well over. In Stunin'tun, when it is +thought best to accommodate proposals, why we object and raise a breeze +in the beginning, but towards the end we kinder soften and mollify, or +else trade would come to a stand. The hardest gale must blow its pipe +out. Trust to me to floor the best argument the best monkey of them all +can agitate!" + +"This matter is getting serious, Noah, and I am filled with an esprit de +corps. Do you not begin yourself to feel human?" + +"Kinder; but more bisonish than anything else. Let them go on, Sir John; +and, when the time comes, we will take them aback, or set me down as a +pettifogger." + +The Captain winked knowingly; and I began to see that there was some +sense in his opinion. On rejoining our friends, or allies, I scarce know +which to call them, I found that the amiable Chatterissa had equally +calmed the diplomatic ardor of her lover, again, and we now met on +the best possible terms. The protocol was accepted by acclamation; and +preparations were instantly commenced for the lecture of Dr. Reasono. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. A PHILOSOPHY THAT IS BOTTOMED ON SOMETHING SUBSTANTIAL--SOME +REASONS PLAINLY PRESENTED, AND CAVILLING OBJECTIONS PUT TO FLIGHT BY A +CHARGE OF LOGICAL BAYONETS. + + +Dr. Reasono was quite as reasonable, in the personal embellishments +of his lyceum, as any public lecturer I remember to have seen, who was +required to execute his functions in the presence of ladies. If I say +that his coat had been brushed, his tail newly curled, and that his air +was a little more than usually "solemnized," as Captain Poke described +it in a decent whisper, I believe all will be said that is either +necessary or true. He placed himself behind a foot-stool, which served +as a table, smoothed its covering a little with his paws, and at once +proceeded to business. It may be well to add that he lectured without +notes, and, as the subject did not immediately call for experiments, +without any apparatus. + +Waving his tail towards the different parts of the room in which his +audience were seated, the philosopher commenced. + +"As the present occasion, my hearers," he said, "is one of those +accidental calls upon science, to which all belonging to the academies +are liable, and does not demand more than the heads of our thesis to +be explained, I shall not dig into the roots of the subject, but limit +myself to such general remarks as may serve to furnish the outlines of +our philosophy, natural, moral, and political--" + +"How, sir," I cried, "have you a political as well as a moral +philosophy?" + +"Beyond a question; and a very useful philosophy it is. No interests +require more philosophy than those connected with politics. To +resume--our philosophy, natural, moral and political, reserving most of +the propositions, demonstrations, and corollaries, for greater leisure, +and a more advanced state of information in the class. Prescribing to +myself these salutary limits, therefore, I shall begin only with nature. + +"Nature is a term that we use to express the pervading and governing +principle of created things. It is known both as a generic and a +specific term, signifying in the former character the elements and +combinations of omnipotence, as applied to matter in general, and in +the latter its particular subdivisions, in connection with matter in +its infinite varieties. It is moreover subdivided into its physical and +moral attributes, which admit also of the two grand distinctions just +named. Thus, when we say nature, in the abstract, meaning physically, +we should be understood as alluding to those general, uniform, absolute, +consistent, and beautiful laws, which control and render harmonious, +as a great whole, the entire action, affinities, and destinies of +the universe; and when we say nature in the speciality, we would be +understood to speak of the nature of a rock, of a tree, of air, fire, +water, and land. Again, in alluding to a moral nature in the abstract, +we mean sin, and its weaknesses, its attractions, its deformities-in a +word, its totality; while, on the other hand, when we use the term, +in this sense, under the limits of a speciality, we confine its +signification to the particular shades of natural qualities that mark +the precise object named. Let us illustrate our positions by a few brief +examples. + +"When we say 'Oh nature, how art thou glorious, sublime, +instructive!'--we mean that her laws emanate from a power of infinite +intelligence and perfection; and when we say 'Oh nature, how art thou +frail, vain and insufficient!' we mean that she is, after all, but a +secondary quality, inferior to that which brought her into existence, +for definite, limited, and, doubtless, useful purposes. In these +examples we treat the principle in the abstract. + +"The examples of nature in the speciality will be more familiar, and, +although in no degree more true, will be better understood by +the generality of my auditors. Especial nature, in the physical +signification, is apparent to the senses, and is betrayed in the +outward forms of things, through their force, magnitude, substance, and +proportions, and, in its more mysterious properties, to examination, by +their laws, harmony, and action. Especial moral nature is denoted in the +different propensities, capacities, and conduct of the different classes +of all moral beings. In this latter sense we have monikin nature, dog +nature, horse nature, hog nature, human nature--" + +"Permit me, Dr. Reasono," I interrupted, "to inquire if, by this +classification, you intend to convey more than may be understood by the +accidental arrangement of your examples?" + +"Purely the latter, I do assure you, Sir John." + +"And do you admit the great distinctions of animal and vegetable +natures?" + +"Our academies are divided on this point. One school contends that all +living nature is to be embraced in a great comprehensive genus, while +another admits of the distinctions you have named. I am of the latter +opinion, inclining to the belief that nature herself has drawn the line +between the two classes, by bestowing on one the double gift of the +moral and physical nature, and by withdrawing the former from the other. +The existence of the moral nature is denoted by the presence of the +will. The academy of Leaphigh has made an elaborate classification of +all the known animals, of which the sponge is at the bottom of the list, +and the monikin at the top!" + +"Sponges are commonly uppermost," growled Noah. + +"Sir," said I, with a disagreeable rising at the throat, "am I to +understand that your savans account man an animal in a middle state +between a sponge and a monkey?" + +"Really, Sir John, this warmth is quite unsuited to philosophical +discussion--if you continue to indulge in it, I shall find myself +compelled to postpone the lecture." + +At this rebuke I made a successful effort to restrain myself, although +my esprit de corps nearly choked me. Intimating, as well as I could, a +change of purpose, Dr. Reasono, who had stood suspended over his table +with an air of doubt, waved his tail, and proceeded:-- + +"Sponges, oysters, crabs, sturgeons, clams, toads, snakes, lizards, +skunks, opossums, ant-eaters, baboons, negroes, wood-chucks, lions, +Esquimaux, sloths, hogs, Hottentots, ourang-outangs, men and monikins, +are, beyond a question, all animals. The only disputed point among +us is, whether they are all of the same genus, forming varieties or +species, or whether they are to be divided into the three great families +of the improvables, the unimprovables, and the retrogressives. They +who maintain that we form but one great family, reason by certain +conspicuous analogies, that serve as so many links to unite the great +chain of the animal world. Taking man as a centre, for instance, they +show that this creature possesses, in common with every other creature, +some observable property. Thus, man is, in one particular, like a +sponge; in another, he is like an oyster; a hog is like a man; the +skunk has one peculiarity of a man; the ourang-outang another; the sloth +another--" + +"King!" + +"And so on, to the end of the chapter. This school of philosophers, +while it has been very ingeniously supported, is not, however, the one +most in favor just at this moment in the academy of Leaphigh--" + +"Just at this moment, Doctor!" + +"Certainly, sir. Do you not know that truths, physical as well as moral, +undergo their revolutions, the same as all created nature? The academy +has paid great attention to this subject; and it issues annually an +almanac, in which the different phases, the revolutions, the periods, +the eclipses, whether partial or total, the distances from the centre +of light, the apogee and perigee of all the more prominent truths, are +calculated with singular accuracy; and by the aid of which the cautious +are enabled to keep themselves, as near as possible, within the bounds +of reason. We deem this effort of the monikin mind as the sublimest of +all its inventions, and as furnishing the strongest known evidence of +its near approach to the consummation of our earthly destiny. This +is not the place to dwell on that particular point of our philosophy, +however; and, for the present, we will postpone the subject." + +"Yet you will permit me, Dr. Reasono, in virtue of clause 1, article +5, protocol No. 1 (which protocol, if not absolutely adopted, must be +supposed to contain the spirit of that which was), to inquire whether +the calculations of the revolutions of truth, do not lead to dangerous +moral extravagances, ruinous speculations in ideas, and serve to +unsettle society?" + +The philosopher withdrew a moment with my Lord Chatterino, to consult +whether it would be prudent to admit of the validity of protocol No. +1, even in this indirect manner; whereupon it was decided between them, +that, as such admission would lay open all the vexatious questions that +had just been so happily disposed of, clause 1 of article 5 having +a direct connection with clause 2; clauses 1 and 2 forming the whole +article; and the said article 5, in its entirety, forming an integral +portion of the whole instrument; and the doctrine of constructions, +enjoining that instruments are to be construed like wills, by their +general, and not by their especial tendencies, it would be dangerous +to the objects of the interview to allow the application to be granted. +But, reserving a protest against the concession being interpreted into a +precedent, it might be well to concede that as an act of courtesy, which +was denied as a right. Hereupon, Dr. Reasono informed me that these +calculations of the revolutions of truth DID lead to certain moral +extravagances, and in many instances to ruinous speculations in ideas; +that the academy of Leaphigh, and, so far as his information extended, +the academy of every other country, had found the subject of truth, more +particularly moral truth, the one of all others the most difficult +to manage, the most likely to be abused, and the most dangerous to +promulgate. I was moreover promised, at a future day, some illustrations +of this branch of the subject. + +"To pursue the more regular thread of my lecture," continued Dr. +Reasono, when he had politely made this little digression, "we now +divide these portions of the created world into animated and vegetable +nature; the former is again divided into the improvable, and the +unimprovable, and the retrogressive. The improvable embraces all +those species which are marching, by slow, progressive, but immutable +mutations, towards the perfection of terrestrial life, or to that last, +elevated, and sublime condition of mortality, in which the material +makes its final struggle with the immaterial--mind with matter. The +improvable class of animals, agreeably to the monikin dogmas, commences +with those species in which matter has the most unequivocal ascendency, +and terminates with those in which mind is as near perfection as this +mortal coil will allow. We hold that mind and matter, in that mysterious +union which connects the spiritual with the physical being, commence +in the medium state, undergoing, not, as some men have pretended, +transmigrations of the soul only, but such gradual and imperceptible +changes of both soul and body, as have peopled the world with so many +wonderful beings--wonderful, mentally and physically; and all of which +(meaning all of the improvable class) are no more than animals of the +same great genus, on the high road of tendencies, who are advancing +towards the last stage of improvement, previously to their final +translation to another planet, and a new existence. + +"The retrogressive class is composed of those specimens which, owing to +their destiny, take a false direction; which, instead of tending to the +immaterial, tend to the material; which gradually become more and +more under the influence of matter, until, by a succession of physical +translations, the will is eventually lost, and they become incorporated +with the earth itself. Under this last transformation, these purely +materialized beings are chemically analyzed in the great laboratory of +nature, and their component parts are separated; thus the bones become +rocks, the flesh earth, the spirits air, the blood water, the gristle +clay and the ashes of the will are converted into the element of fire. +In this class we enumerate whales, elephants, hippopotami, and divers +other brutes, which visibly exhibit accumulations of matter that must +speedily triumph over the less material portions of their natures." + +"And yet, Doctor, there are facts that militate against the theory; the +elephant, for instance, is accounted one of the most intelligent of all +the quadrupeds." + +"A mere false demonstration, sir. Nature delights in these little +equivocations; thus, we have false suns, false rainbows, false prophets, +false vision, and even false philosophy. There are entire races of both +our species, too, as the Congo and the Esquimaux, for yours, and +baboons and the common monkeys, that inhabit various parts of the world +possessed by the human species, for ours, which are mere shadows of the +forms and qualities that properly distinguish the animal in its state of +protection." + +"How, sir! are you not, then, of the same family as all the other +monkeys that we see hopping and skipping about the streets?" + +"No more, sir, than you are of the same family as the flat-nosed, +thick-lipped, low-browed, ink-skinned negro, or the squalid, +passionless, brutalized Esquimaux. I have said that nature delights in +vagaries; and all these are no more than some of her mystifications. +Of this class is the elephant, who, while verging nearest to pure +materialism, makes a deceptive parade of the quality he is fast losing. +Instances of this species of playing trumps, if I may so express it, are +common in all classes of beings. How often, for instance, do men, just +as they are about to fail, make a parade of wealth, women seem obdurate +an hour before they capitulate, and diplomatists call Heaven to be a +witness of their resolutions to the contrary, the day before they +sign and seal! In the case of the elephant, however, there is a slight +exception to the general rule, which is founded on an extraordinary +struggle between mind and matter, the former making an effort that is +unusual, and which may be said to form an exception to the ordinary +warfare between these two principles, as it is commonly conducted in the +retrogressive class of animals. The most infallible sign of the triumph +of mind over matter, is in the development of the tail--" + +"King!" + +"Of the tail, Dr. Reasono?" + +"By all means, sir--that seat of reason, the tail! Pray, Sir John, +what other portion of our frames did you imagine was indicative of +intellect?" + +"Among men, Dr. Reasono, it is commonly thought the head is the more +honorable member, and, of late, we have made analytical maps of this +part of our physical formation, by which it is pretended to know the +breadth and length of a moral quality, no less than its boundaries." + +"You have made the best use of your materials, such as they were, and +I dare say the map in question, all things considered, is a very clever +performance. But in the complication and abstruseness of this very moral +chart (one of which I perceive standing on your mantelpiece), you may +learn the confusion which still reigns over the human intellect. Now, in +regarding us, you can understand the very converse of your dilemma. How +much easier, for instance, is it to take a yard-stick, and by a simple +admeasurement of a tail, come to a sound, obvious and incontrovertible +conclusion as to the extent of the intellect of the specimen, than by +the complicated, contradictory, self-balancing and questionable process +to which you are reduced! Were there only this fact, it would abundantly +establish the higher moral condition of the monikinrace, as it is +compared with that of man." + +"Dr. Reasono, am I to understand that the monikin family seriously +entertain a position so extravagant as this; that a monkey is a creature +more intellectual and more highly civilized than man?" + +"Seriously, good Sir John! Why you are the first respectable person it +has been my fortune to meet, who has even affected to doubt the fact. It +is well known that both belong to the improvable class of animals, and +that monkeys, as you are pleased to term us, were once men, with all +their passions, weaknesses, inconsistencies, mode of philosophy, unsound +ethics, frailties, incongruities and subserviency to matter; that they +passed into the monikin state by degrees, and that large divisions of +them are constantly evaporating into the immaterial world, completely +spiritualized and free from the dross of flesh. I do not mean in what is +called death--for that is no more than an occasional deposit of matter +to be resumed in a new aspect, and with a nearer approach to the grand +results (whether of the improvable or of the retrogressive classes)--but +those final mutations which transfer us to another planet, to enjoy a +higher state of being, and leaving us always on the high road towards +final excellence." + +"All this is very ingenious, sir; but before you can persuade me into +the belief that man is an animal inferior to a monkey, Dr. Reasono, you +will allow me to say that you must prove it." + +"Ay, ay, or me, either," put in Captain Poke, waspishly. + +"Were I to cite my proofs, gentlemen," continued the philosopher, whose +spirit appeared to be much less moved by our doubts than ours were by +his position--"I should in the first place refer you to history. All the +monikin writers are agreed in recording the gradual translation of the +species from the human family--" + +"This may do very well, sir, for the latitude of Leaphigh, but permit +me to say that no human historian, from Moses down to Buffon, has ever +taken such a view of our respective races. There is not a word in any of +all these writers on the subject." + +"How should there be, sir? History is not a prediction, but a record +of the past. Their silence is so much negative proof in our favor. Does +Tacitus, for instance, speak of the French revolution? Is not Herodotus +silent on the subject of the independence of the American continent?--or +do any of the Greek and Roman writers give us the annals of +Stunin'tun--a city whose foundations were most probably laid some time +after the commencement of the Christian era? It is morally impossible +that men or monikins can faithfully relate events that have never +happened; and as it has never yet happened to any man, who is still a +man, to be translated to the monikin state of being, it follows, as a +necessary consequence, that he can know nothing about it. If you want +historical proof, therefore, of what I say, you must search the monikin +annals for evidence. There it is to be found with an infinity of curious +details; and I trust the time is not far distant, when I shall have +great pleasure in pointing out to you some of the most approved chapters +of our best writers on this subject. But we are not confined to the +testimony of history, in establishing our condition to be of the +secondary formation. The internal evidence is triumphant; we appeal +to our simplicity, our philosophy, the state of the arts among us, in +short, to all those concurrent proofs which are dependent on the +highest possible state of civilization. In addition to this, we have the +infallible testimony which is to be derived from the development of our +tails. Our system of caudology is, in itself, a triumphant proof of the +high improvement of the monikin reason." + +"Do I comprehend you aright, Dr. Reasono, when I understand your +system of caudology, or tailology, to render it into the vernacular, +to dogmatize on the possibility that the seat of reason in man, which +to-day is certainly in his brains, can ever descend into a tail?" + +"If you deem development, improvement and simplification a descent, +beyond a question, sir. But your figure is a bad one, Sir John; for +ocular demonstration is before you, that a monikin can carry his tail as +high as a man can possibly carry his head. Our species, in this sense, +is morally nicked; and it costs us no effort to be on a level with human +kings. We hold, with you, that the brain is the seat of reason, while +the animal is in what we call the human probation, but that it is a +reason undeveloped, imperfect, and confused; cased, as it were, in an +envelope unsuited to its functions; but that, as it gradually oozes +out of this straitened receptable towards the base of the animal, +it acquires solidity, lucidity, and, finally, by elongation and +development, point. If you examine the human brain, you will find it, +though capable of being stretched to a great length, compressed in a +diminutive compass, involved and snarled; whereas the same physical +portion of the genus gets simplicity, a beginning and an end, a +directness and consecutiveness that are necessary to logic, and, as has +just been mentioned, a point, in the monikin seat of reason, which, +by all analogy, go to prove the superiority of the animal possessing +advantages so great." + +"Nay, sir, if you come to analogies, they will be found to prove more +than you may wish. In vegetation, for instance, saps ascend for the +purposes of fructification and usefulness; and, reasoning from the +analogies of the vegetable world, it is far more probable that tails +have ascended into brains than that brains have descended into tails; +and, consequently, that men are much more likely to be an improvement on +monkeys, than monkeys an improvement on men." + +I spoke with warmth, I know; for the doctrine of Dr. Reasono was new to +me; and by this time, my esprit de corps had pretty effectually blinded +reflection. + +"You gave him a red-hot shot that time, Sir John," whispered Captain +Poke at my elbow; "now, if you are so disposed, I will wring the necks +of all these little blackguards, and throw them out of the window." + +I immediately intimated that any display of brute force would militate +directly against our cause; as the object, just at that moment, was to +be as immaterial as possible. + +"Well, well, manage it in your own way, Sir John, and I'm quite as +immaterial as you can wish; but should these cunning varments ra'ally +get the better of us in the argument, I shall never dare look at Miss +Poke, or show my face ag'in in Stunin'tun." + +This little aside was secretly conducted, while Dr. Reasono was drinking +a glass of eau sucre; but he soon returned to the subject, with the +dignified gravity that never forsook him. + +"Your remark touching saps has the usual savor of human ingenuity, +blended, however, with the proverbial short-sightedness of the species. +It is very true that saps ascend for fructification; but what is +this fructification, to which you allude? It is no more than a false +demonstration of the energies of the plant. For all the purposes of +growth, life, durability, and the final conversion of the vegetable +matter into an element, the root is the seat of power and authority; +and, in particular, the tap-root above or rather below all others. This +tap-root may be termed the tail of vegetation. You may pluck fruits with +impunity--nay, you may even top all the branches, and the tree shall +survive; but, put the axe to the root, and the pride of the forest +falls." + +All this was too evidently true to be denied, and I felt worried and +badgered; for no man likes to be beaten in a discussion of this sort, +and more especially by a monkey. I bethought me of the elephant, and +determined to make one more thrust, by the aid of his powerful tusks, +before I gave up the point. + +"I am inclined to think, Dr. Reasono," I put in as soon as possible, +"that your savans have not been very happy in illustrating their theory +by means of the elephant. This animal, besides being a mass of flesh, +is too well provided with intellect to be passed off for a dunce; and +he not only has ONE, but he might almost be said to be provided with TWO +tails." + +"That has been his chief misfortune, sir. Matter, in the great warfare +between itself and mind, has gone on the principle of 'divide and +conquer.' You are nearer the truth than you imagined, for the trunk +of the elephant is merely the abortion of a tail; and yet, you see, it +contains nearly all the intelligence that the animal possesses. On the +subject of the fate of the elephant, however, theory is confirmed by +actual experiment. Do not your geologists and naturalists speak of +the remains of animals, which are no longer to be found among living +things?" + +"Certainly, sir; the mastodon--the megatherium, iguanodon; and the +plesiosaurus--" + +"And do you not also find unequivocal evidences of animal matter +incorporated with rocks?" + +"This fact must be admitted, too." + +"These phenomena, as you call them, are no more than the final deposits +which nature has made in the cases of those creatures in which matter +has completely overcome its rival, mind. So soon as the will is entirely +extinct, the being ceases to live; or it is no longer an animal. It +falls and reverts altogether to the element of matter. The processes +of decomposition and incorporation are longer, or shorter, according +to circumstances; and these fossil remains of which your writers say so +much, are merely cases that have met with accidental obstacles to +their final decomposition. As respects our two species, a very cursory +examination of their qualities ought to convince any candid mind of the +truth of our philosophy. Thus, the physical part of man is much greater +in proportion to the spiritual, than it is in the monikin; his habits +are grosser and less intellectual; he requires sauce and condiments +in his food; he is farther removed from simplicity, and, by necessary +implication, from high civilization; he eats flesh, a certain proof +that the material principle is still strong in the ascendant; he has no +cauda---" + +"On this point, Dr. Reasono, I would inquire if your scholars attach any +weight to traditions?" + +"The greatest possible, sir. It is the monikin tradition that our +species is composed of men refined, of diminished matter and augmented +minds, with the seat of reason extricated from the confinement and +confusion of the caput, and extended, unravelled, and rendered logical +and consecutive, in the cauda." + +"Well, sir, WE too have our traditions; and an eminent writer, at no +great distance of time, has laid it down as incontrovertible, that men +once HAD caudae." + +"A mere prophetic glance into the future, as coming events are known to +cast their shadows before." + +"Sir, the philosopher in question establishes his position, by pointing +to the stumps." + +"He has unluckily mistaken a foundation-stone for a ruin! Such errors +are not unfrequent with the ardent and ingenious. That men WILL have +tails, I make no doubt; but that they HAVE ever reached this point of +perfection, I do most solemnly deny. There are many premonitory symptoms +of their approaching this condition; the current opinions of the day, +the dress, habits, fashions, and philosophy of the species, encourage +the belief; but hitherto you have never reached the enviable +distinction. As to traditions, even your own are all in favor of our +theory. Thus, for instance, you have a tradition that the earth was once +peopled by giants. Now, this is owing to the fact that men were formerly +more under the influence of matter, and less under that of mind than +to day. You admit that you diminish in size, and improve in moral +attainments; all of which goes to establish the truth of the monikin +philosophy. You begin to lay less stress on physical, and more on moral +excellences; and, in short, many things show that the time for the final +liberation and grand development of your brains, is not far distant. +This much I very gladly concede; for, while the dogmas of our schools +are not to be disregarded, I very cheerfully admit that you are our +fellow-creatures, though in a more infant and less improved condition of +society." + +"King!" + +Here Dr. Reasono announced the necessity of taking a short intermission +in order to refresh himself. I retired with Captain Poke, to have +a little communication with my fellow-mortal, under the peculiar +circumstances in which we were placed, and to ask his opinion of what +had been said. Noah swore bitterly at some of the conclusions of the +monikin philosopher, affirming that he should like no better sport than +to hear him lecture in the streets of Stunin'tun, where, he assured me, +such doctrine would not be tolerated any longer than was necessary to +sharpen a harpoon, or to load a gun. Indeed, he did not know but the +Doctor would be incontinently kicked over into Rhode Island, without +ceremony. + +"For that matter," continued the indignant old sealer, "I should ask +no better sport than to have permission to put the big toe of my right +foot, under full sail, against the part of the blackguard where his +beloved tail is stepped. That would soon bring him to reason. Why, as +for his cauda, if you will believe me, Sir John, I once saw a man, on +the coast of Patagonia--a savage, to be sure, and not a philosopher, as +this fellow pretends to be--who had an outrigger of this sort, as long +as a ship's ringtail-boom. And what was he, after all, but a poor devil +who did not know a sea-lion from a grampus!" + +This assertion of Captain Poke relieved my mind considerably; and laying +aside the bison-skin, I asked him to have the goodness to examine the +localities, with some particularity, about the termination of the dorsal +bone, in order to ascertain if there were any encouraging signs to be +discovered. Captain Poke put on his spectacles, for time had brought the +worthy mariner to their use, as he said, "whenever he had occasion to +read fine print"; and, after some time, I had the satisfaction to hear +him declare, that if it was a cauda I wanted, there was as good a place +to step one, as could be found about any monkey in the universe; "and +you have only to say the word, Sir John, and I will just step into +the next room, and by the help of my knife and a little judgment in +choosing, I'll fit you out with a jury-article, which, if there be any +ra'al vartue in this sort of thing, will qualify you at once to be a +judge, or, for that matter, a bishop." + +We were now summoned again to the lecture-room, and I had barely time +to thank Captain Poke for his obliging offer, which circumstances just +then, however, forbade my accepting. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. BETTER AND BETTER--A HIGHER FLIGHT OF REASON--MORE OBVIOUS +TRUTHS, DEEPER PHILOSOPHY, AND FACTS THAT EVEN AN OSTRICH MIGHT DIGEST. + + +"I gladly quit what I fear some present may have considered the personal +part of my lecture," resumed Dr. Reasono, "to turn to those portions of +the theme that should possess a common interest, awaken common pride, +and excite common felicitations. I now propose to say a few words +on that part of our natural philosophy which is connected with the +planetary system, the monikin location--and, as a consequence from both, +the creation of the world." + +"Although dying with impatience to be enlightened on all these +interesting points, you will grant me leave to inquire en passant, Dr. +Reasono, if your savans receive the Mosaic account of the creation or +not." + +"As far as it corroborates our own system, sir, and no farther. There +would be a manifest inconsistency in our giving an antagonistic validity +to any hostile theory, let it come from Moses or Aaron; as one of your +native good sense and subsequent cultivation will readily perceive." + +"Permit me to intimate, Dr. Reasono, that the distinction your +philosophers take in this matter, is directly opposed to a very +arbitrary canon in the law of evidence, which dictates the necessity +of repudiating the whole of a witness's testimony, when we repudiate a +part." + +"That may be a human, but it is not a monikin distinction. So far from +admitting the soundness of the principle, we hold that no monikin +is ever wholly right, or that he will be wholly right, so long as he +remains in the least under the influence of matter; and we therefore +winnow the false from the true, rejecting the former as worse than +useless, while we take the latter as the nutriment of facts." + +"I now repeat my apologies for so often interrupting you, venerable and +learned sir; and I entreat you will not waste another moment in replying +to my interrogatories, but proceed at once to an explanation of +your planetary system, or of any other little thing it may suit your +convenience to mention. When one listens to a real philosopher, one is +certain to learn something that is either useful or agreeable, let the +subject be what it may." + +"By the monikin philosophy, gentlemen," continued Dr. Reasono, "we +divide the great component parts of this earth into land and water. +These two principles we term the primary elements. Human philosophy has +added air and fire to the list; but these we reject either entirely, or +admit them only as secondary elements. That neither air nor fire is a +primary element, may be proved by experiment. Thus, air can be formed, +in the quality of gases, can be rendered pure or foul; is dependent +on evaporation, being no more than ordinary matter in a state of high +rarefaction. Fire has no independent existence, requires fuel for +its support, and is evidently a property that is derived from the +combinations of other principles. Thus, by putting two or more billets +of wood together, by rapid friction you produce fire. Abstract the air +suddenly, and your fire becomes extinct; abstract the wood, and you have +the same result. From these two experiments it is shown that fire has +no independent existence, and therefore is not an element. On the other +hand, take a billet of wood and let it be completely saturated with +water; the wood acquires a new property (as also by the application of +fire, which converts it into ashes and air), for its specific gravity +is increased, it becomes less inflammable, emits vapor more readily, and +yields less readily to the blow of the axe. Place the same billet under +a powerful screw, and a vessel beneath. Compress the billet, and by a +sufficient application of force, you will have the wood, perfectly dry, +left beneath the screw, and the vessel will contain water. Thus is it +shown that land (all vegetable matter being no more than fungi of the +earth) is a. primary element, and that water is also a primary element; +while air and fire are not. + +"Having established the elements, I shall, for brevity's sake, suppose +the world created. In the beginning, the orb was placed in vacuum, +stationary, and with its axis perpendicular to the plane of what is now +called its orbit. Its only revolution was the diurnal." + +"And the changes of the seasons?" + +"Had not yet taken place. The days and nights were equal; there were no +eclipses; the same stars were always visible. This state of the earth +is supposed, from certain geological proofs, to have continued about a +thousand years, during which time the struggle between mind and matter +was solely confined to quadrupeds. Man is thought to have made his +appearance, so far as our documents go to establish the fact, about the +year of the world one thousand and three. About this period, too, it is +supposed that fire was generated by the friction of the earth's axis, +while making the diurnal movement; or, as some imagine, by the friction +of the periphery of the orb, rubbing against vacuum at the rate of so +many miles in a minute. The fire penetrating the crust, soon got access +to the bodies of water that fill the cavities of the earth. From this +time is to be dated the existence of a new and most important agent in +the terrestrial phenomena, called steam. Vegetation now began to appear, +as the earth received warmth from within--" + +"Pray, sir, may I ask in what manner all the animals existed +previously?" + +"By feeding on each other. The strong devoured the weak, until the most +diminutive of the animalcula were reached, when these turned on their +persecutors, and profiting by their insignificance, commenced devouring +the strongest. You find daily parallels to this phenomenon in the +history of man. He who by his energy and force has triumphed over +his equals, is frequently the prey of the insignificant and vile. You +doubtless know that the polar regions even in the original attitude of +the earth, owing to their receiving the rays of the sun obliquely, must +have possessed a less genial climate than the parts of the orb that lie +between the arctic and the antarctic circles. This was a wise provision +of Providence to prevent a premature occupation of those chosen regions, +or to cause them to be left uninhabited, until mind had so far mastered +matter, as to have brought into existence the first monikin." + +"May I venture to ask to what epoch you refer the appearance of the +first of your species?" + +"To the monikin epocha, beyond a doubt, sir--but if you mean to ask in +what year of the world this event took place, I should answer, about the +year 4017. It is true that certain of our writers affect to think that +divers men were approaching to the sublimation of the monikin mind, +previously to this period; but the better opinion is, that these cases +were no more than what are termed premonitory. Thus, Socrates, Plato, +Confucius, Aristotle, Euclid, Zeno, Diogenes, and Seneca, were merely so +many admonishing types of the future condition of man, indicating their +near approach to the monikin, or to the final translation." + +"And Epicurus--" + +"Was an exaggeration of the material principle, that denoted the +retrogression of a large portion of the race towards brutality and +matter. These phenomena are still of daily occurrence." + +"Do you then hold the opinion, for instance, Dr. Reasono, that Socrates +is now a monikin philosopher, with his brain unravelled and rendered +logically consecutive, and that Epicurus is transformed perchance into a +hippopotamus or a rhinoceros, with tusks, horns, and hide?" + +"You quite mistake our dogmas, Sir John. We do not believe in +transmigration in the individual at all, but in the transmigration of +classes. Thus, we hold that whenever a given generation of men, in a +peculiar state of society, attain, in the aggregate, a certain degree +of moral improvement, or mentality, as we term it in the schools, that +there is an admixture of their qualities in masses, some believe by +scores, others think by hundreds, and others again pretend by thousands; +and if it is found, by the analysis that is regularly instituted by +nature, that the proportions are just, the material is consigned to the +monikin birth; if not, it is repudiated, and either kneaded anew for +another human experiment, or consigned to the vast stores of dormant +matter. Thus all individuality, so far as it is connected with the past, +is lost." + +"But, sir, existing facts contradict one of the most important of your +propositions; while you admit that a want of a change in the seasons +would be a consequence of the perpendicularity of the earth's axis to +the plane of its present orbit, this change in the seasons is a matter +not to be denied. Flesh and blood testify against you here, no less than +reason." + +"I spoke of things as they were, sir, previously to the birth of +the monikinia; since which time a great, salutary, harmonious, and +contemplated alteration has occurred. Nature had reserved the polar +region for the new species, with divers obvious and benevolent purposes. +They were rendered uninhabitable by the obliquity of the sun's rays; and +though matter, in the shape of mastodons and whales, with an instinct of +its antagonistic destination, had frequently invaded their precincts, +it was only to leave the remains of the first embedded in fields of +ice, memorials of the uselessness of struggling against destiny, and to +furnish proofs of the same great truth in the instance of the others; +who, if they did enter the polar basins as masters of the great deep, +either left their bones there, or returned in the same characters as +they went. From the appearance of animal nature on the earth, down to +the period when the monikin race arose, the regions in question were not +only uninhabited, but virtually uninhabitable. When, however, nature, +always wary, wise, beneficent, and never to be thwarted, had prepared +the way, those phenomena were exhibited that cleared the road for the +new species. I have alluded to the internal struggle between fire and +water, and to their progeny, steam. This new agent was now required to +act. A moment's attention to the manner in which the next great step in +the progress of civilization was made, will show with what foresight +and calculation our common mother had established her laws. The earth +is flattened at the poles, as is well imagined by some of the human +philosophers, in consequence of its diurnal movement commencing while +the ball was still in a state of fusion, which naturally threw off a +portion of the unkneaded matter towards the periphery. This was not done +without the design of accomplishing a desired end. The matter that was +thus accumulated at the equator, was necessarily abstracted from other +parts; and in this manner the crust of the globe became thinnest at the +poles. When a sufficiency of steam had been generated in the centre +of the ball, a safety-valve was evidently necessary to prevent a total +disruption. As there was no other machinist than nature, she worked with +her own tools, and agreeably to her own established laws. The thinnest +portions of the crust opportunely yielded to prevent a catastrophe, +when the superfluous and heated vapor escaped, in a right line with the +earth's axis, into vacuum. This phenomenon occurred, as nearly as we +have been able to ascertain, about the year 700 before the Christian era +commenced, or some two centuries previously to the birth of the first +monikins." + +"And why so early, may I presume to inquire, Doctor?" + +"Simply that there might be time for the new climate to melt the ice +that had accumulated about the islands and continents of that region +(for it was only at the southern extremity of the earth that the +explosion had taken place), in the course of so many centuries. Two +hundred and seventy years of the active and unremitted agency of steam +sufficed for this end; since the accomplishment of which, the monikin +race has been in the undisturbed enjoyment of the whole territory, +together with its blessed fruits." + +"Am I to understand," asked Captain Poke, with more interest than he had +before manifested in the philosopher's lecture, "that your folks, when +at hum', live to the south'ard of the belt of ice that we mariners +always fall in with somewhere about the parallel of 77 degrees south +latitude?" + +"Precisely so--alas! that we should, this day, be so far from those +regions of peace, delight, intelligence, and salubrity! But the will of +Providence be done!--doubtless there is a wise motive for our captivity +and sufferings, which may yet lead to the further glory of the monikin +race!" + +"Will you have the kindness to proceed with your explanations, Doctor? +If you deny the annual revolution of the earth, in what manner do +you account for the changes of the seasons, and other astronomical +phenomena, such as the eclipses which so frequently occur?" + +"You remind me that the subject is not yet exhausted," the philosopher +hurriedly rejoined, hastily and covertly dashing a tear from his eye. +"Prosperity produced some of its usual effects among the founders of +our species. For a few centuries, they went on multiplying in numbers, +elongating and rendering still more consecutive their cauda, improving +in knowledge and the arts, until some spirits, more audacious than the +rest, became restive under the slow march of events, which led them +towards perfection at a rate ill-suited to their fiery impatience. At +this time, the mechanic arts were at the highest pitch of perfection +amongst us--we have since, in a great measure, abandoned them, as +unsuited to, and unnecessary for, an advanced state of civilization--we +wore clothes, constructed canals, and effected other works that were +greatly esteemed among the species from which we had emigrated. At +this time, also, the whole monikin family lived together as one people, +enjoyed the same laws, and pursued the same objects. But a political +sect arose in the region, under the direction of misguided and +hot-headed leaders, who brought down upon us the just judgment of +Providence, and a multitude of evils that it will require ages to +remedy. This sect soon had recourse to religious fanaticism and +philosophical sophisms, to attain its ends. It grew rapidly in power and +numbers; for we monikins, like men, as I have had occasion to observe, +are seekers of novelties. At last it proceeded to absolute overt acts +of treason against the laws of Providence itself. The first violent +demonstration of its madness and folly was, setting up the doctrine that +injustice had been done the monikin race, by causing the safety-valve of +the world to be opened within their region. Although we were manifestly +indebted to this very circumstance for the benignity of our climate, the +value of our possessions, the general healthfulness of our families-nay, +for our separate existence itself, as an independent species, yet did +these excited and ill-judging wretches absolutely wage war upon the most +benevolent and the most unequivocal friend they had. Specious promises +led to theories, theories to declamations, declamation to combination, +combination to denunciation, and denunciation to open hostilities. The +matter in dispute was debated for two generations, when the necessary +degree of madness having been excited, the leaders of the party, who by +this time had worked themselves through their hobby, into the general +control of the monikin affairs, called a meeting of all their partisans +and passed certain resolutions, which will never be blotted from the +monikin memory, so fatal were their consequences, so ruinous for a time +their effects! They were conceived in the following terms:-- + +"'At a full and overflowing meeting of the most monikinized of the +monikin race, holden at the house of Peleg Pat (we still used the human +appellations, at that epoch), in the year of the world 3,007, and of +the monikin era 317, Plausible Shout was called to the chair, and Ready +Quill was named secretary.'" + +"'After several excellent and eloquent addresses from all present, it +was unanimously resolved as follows, viz.:'" + +"'That steam is a curse, and not a blessing; and that it deserves to be +denounced by all patriotic and true monikins.'" + +"'That we deem it the height of oppression and injustice in nature, that +she has placed the great safety-valve of the world within the lawful +limits of the monikin territories.'" + +"'That the said safety-valve ought to be removed forthwith; and that it +shall be so removed, peaceably if it can, forcibly if it must.'" + +"'That we cordially approve of the sentiments of John Jaw, our present +estimable chief magistrate, the incorruptible partisan, the undaunted +friend of his friends, the uncompromising enemy of steam, and the sound, +pure, orthodox, and true monikin.'' + +"'That we recommend the said Jaw to the confidence of all monikins.'" + +"'That we call upon the country to sustain us in our great, holy, +and glorious design, pledging ourselves, posterity, the bones of our +ancestors, and all who have gone before or who may come after us, to the +faithful execution of our intentions. + +"'Signed,'" + +"'PLAUSIBLE SHOUT, Chairman.'" + +"'READY QUILL, Secretary.'" + +"No sooner were these resolutions promulgated (for instead of being +passed at a full meeting, it is now understood they were drawn up +between Messrs. Shout and Quill, under the private dictation of Mr. +Jaw), than the public mind began seriously to meditate proceeding to +extremities. That perfection in the mechanic arts, which had hitherto +formed our pride and boast, now proved to be our greatest enemy. It is +thought that the leaders of this ill-directed party meant, in truth, to +confine themselves to certain electioneering effects; but who can stay +the torrent, or avert the current of prejudice! The stream was setting +against steam; the whole invention of the species was put in motion; +and in one year from the passage of the resolutions I have recited, +mountains were transported, endless piles of rocks were thrown into +the gulf, arches were constructed, and the hole of the safety-valve +was hermetically sealed. You will form some idea of the waste of +intelligence and energy on this occasion, when I add that it was found, +by actual observation, that this artificial portion of the earth was +thicker, stronger, and more likely to be durable than the natural. So +far did infatuation lead the victims, that they actually caused the +whole region to be sounded, and, having ascertained the precise locality +of the thinnest portion of the crust, John Jaw, and all the most zealous +of his followers, removed to the spot, where they established the seat +of their government in triumph. All this time nature rested upon her +arms, in the quiet of conscious force. It was not long, however, before +our ancestors began to perceive the consequences of their act, in +the increase of the cold, in the scarcity of fruits, and in the rapid +augmentation of the ice. The monikin enthusiasm is easily awakened in +favor of any plausible theory, but it invariably yields to physical +pressure. No doubt the human race, better furnished with the material of +physical resistance, does not exhibit so much of this weakness, but--" + +"Do not flatter us with the exception, Doctor. I find so many points of +resemblance between us, that I really begin to think we must have +had the same origin; and if you would only admit that man is of the +secondary formation, and the monikins of the primary, I would accept the +whole of your philosophy without a moment's delay." + +"As such an admission would be contrary to both fact and doctrine, I +trust, my dear sir, you will see the utter impossibility of a Professor +in the University of Leaphigh making the concession, even in this remote +part of the world. As I was about to observe, the people began to betray +uneasiness at the increasing and constant inclemency of the weather; +and Mr. John Jaw found it necessary to stimulate their passions by a +new development of his principles. His friends and partisans were all +assembled in the great square of the new capital, and the following +resolutions were, to use the language of a handbill that is still +preserved in the archives of the Leaphigh Historical Society (for it +would seem they were printed before they were passed), 'unanimously, +enthusiastically, and finally adopted,' viz.: + +"'Resolved, That this meeting has the utmost contempt for steam.'" + +"'Resolved, That this meeting defies snow, and sterility, and all other +natural disadvantages.'" + +"'Resolved, That we will live forever.'" + +"'Resolved, That we will henceforward go naked, as the most effectual +means of setting the frost at defiance.'" + +"'Resolved, That we are now over the thinnest part of the earth's crust +in the polar regions.'" + +"'Resolved, That henceforth we will support no monikin for any public +trust, who will not give a pledge to put out all his fires, and to +dispense with cooking altogether.'" + +"'Resolved, That we are animated by the true spirit of patriotism, +reason, good faith, and firmness.'" + +"'Resolved, That this meeting now adjourn sine die.'" + +"We are told that the last resolution was just carried by acclamation, +when nature arose in her might, and took ample vengeance for all her +wrongs. The great boiler of the earth burst with a tremendous explosion, +carrying away, as the thinnest part of the workmanship, not only Mr. +John Jaw, and all his partisans, but forty thousand square miles of +territory. The last that was seen of them was about thirty seconds after +the occurrence of the explosion, when the whole mass disappeared near +the northern horizon, going at a rate a little surpassing that of a +cannon ball which has just left its gun." + +"King!" exclaimed Noah; "that is what we sailors call 'to cut and run.'" + +"Was nothing ever heard of Mr. Jaw and his companions, my good Doctor?" + +"Nothing that could be depended on. Some of our naturalists assume +that the monkeys which frequent the other parts of the earth are their +descendants, who, stunned by the shock, have lost their reasoning +powers, while, at the same time, they show glimmerings of their origin. +This is, in truth, the better opinion of our savans; and it is usual +with us, to distinguish all the human species of monkeys by the name of +'the lost monikins.' Since my captivity, chance has thrown me in the way +of several of these animals, who were equally under the control of the +cruel Savoyards; and in conversing with them, in order to inquire into +their traditions and to trace the analogies of language, I have been +led to think there is some foundation for the opinion. Of this, however, +hereafter." + +"Pray, Dr. Reasono, what became of the forty thousand square miles of +territory?" + +"Of that we have a better account; for one of our vessels, which was +far to the northward, on an exploring expedition, fell in with it in +longitude 2 degrees from Leaphigh, latitude 6 degrees S., and by her +means it was ascertained that divers islands had been already formed by +falling fragments; and, judging by the direction of the main body +when last seen, the fertility of that part of the world, and various +geological proofs, we hold that the great western archipelago is the +deposit of the remainder." + +"And the monikin region, sir--what was the consequence of this +phenomenon to that part of the world?" + +"Awful--sublime--various--and durable! The more important, or the +personal consequences, shall be mentioned first. Fully one-third of the +monikin species were scalded to death. A great many contracted asthmas +and other diseases of the lungs, by inhaling steam. Most of the bridges +were swept away by the sudden melting of the snows, and large stores +of provisions were spoiled by the unexpected appearance and violent +character of the thaw. These may be enumerated among the unpleasant +consequences. Among the pleasant, we esteem a final and agreeable +melioration of the climate, which regained most of its ancient +character, and a rapid and distinct elongation of our caudtz, by a +sudden acquisition of wisdom. + +"The secondary, or the terrestrial consequences, were as follows:--By +the suddenness and force with which so much steam rushed into space, +finding its outlet several degrees from the pole, the earth was canted +from its perpendicular attitude, and remained fixed, with its axis +having an inclination of 23 degrees 27' to the plane of its orbit. +At the same time the orb began to move in vacuum, and, restrained +by antagonistic attractions, to perform what is called its annual +revolution." + +"I can very well understand, friend Reasono," observed Noah, "why the +'arth should heel under so sudden a flaw, though a well-ballasted ship +would right again when the puff was over; but I cannot understand how a +little steam leaking out at one end of a craft should set her agoing at +the rate we are told this world travels?" + +"If the escape of the steam were constant, the diurnal motion giving +it every moment a new position, the earth would not be propelled in its +orbit, of a certainty, Captain Poke; but as, in fact, this escape of +the steam has the character of pulsation, being periodical and regular, +nature has ordained that it shall occur but once in the twenty-four +hours, and this at such a time as to render its action uniform, and its +impulsion always in the same direction. The principle on which the +earth receives this impetus, can be easily illustrated by a familiar +experiment. Take, for instance, a double-barrelled fowling-piece, load +both barrels with extra quantities of powder, introduce a ball and two +wads into each barrel, place the breech within 4 628/1000 inches of the +abdomen, and take care to fire both barrels at once. In this case, the +balls will give an example of the action of the forty thousand square +miles of territory, and the person experimenting will not fail to +imitate the impulsion, or the backward movement of the earth." + +"While I do not deny that such an experiment would be likely to set both +parties in motion, friend Reasono, I do not see why the 'arth should not +finally stop, as the man would be sure to do, after he had got through +with hopping, and kicking, and swearing." + +"The reason why the earth, once set in motion in vacuum, does not stop, +can also be elucidated by experiment, as follows:--Take Captain Noah +Poke, provided as he is by nature with legs and the power of motion; +lead him to the Place Vendome; cause him to pay three sous, which will +gain him admission to the base of the column; let him ascend to the +summit; thence let him leap with all his energy, in a direction at right +angles with the shaft of the column, into the open air; and it will be +found that, though the original impulsion would not probably impel the +body more than ten or twelve feet, motion would continue until it had +reached the earth. Corollary: hence it is proved that all bodies in +which the vis inertia has been overcome will continue in motion, until +they come in contact with some power capable of stopping them." + +"King!--Do you not think, Mr. Reasono, that the 'arth makes its circuit, +as much owing to this said steam of yours shoving, as it were, always +a little on one side, acting thereby in some fashion as a rudder, which +causes her to keep waring as we seamen call it, and as big crafts take +more room than small ones in waring, why, she is compelled to run so +many millions of miles, before, as it were, she comes up to the wind +ag'in? Now, there is reason in such an idee; whereas, I never could +reconcile it to my natur', that these little bits of stars should keep +a craft like the 'arth in her course, with such a devil of a way on her, +as we know in reason she must have, to run so far in a twelvemonth. +Why, the smallest yaw--and, for a hooker of her keel, a thousand miles +wouldn't be a broader yaw than a hundred feet in a ship--the smallest +yaw would send her aboard of the Jupiter, or the Marcury, when there +would be a smashing of out-board work such as mortal never before +witnessed!" + +"We rather lean to the opinion of the efficacy of attraction, sir; nor +do I see that your proposition would at all obviate your own objection." + +"Then, sir, I will just explain myself. Let us suppose there was a +steamer with a hundred miles of keel; let us suppose the steam up, +and the craft with a broad offing; let us suppose her helm lash'd hard +aport, and she going at the rate of ten thousand knots the hour, without +bringing up or shortening sail for years at a time. Now, all this being +admitted, what would be her course? Why, sir, any child could tell you, +she would keep turning in a circle of some fifty or a hundred thousand +miles in circumference; and such, it appears to me, it is much more +rational to suppose is the natur' of the 'arth's traversing, than all +this steering small among stars and attractions." + +"There is truly something very plausible, Captain Poke, in your +suggestion; and I propose that you shall profit by the first occasion to +lay your opinions on the subject, more at large, before the Academy of +Leaphigh." + +"With all my heart, Doctor; for I hold that knowledge, like good liquor, +is given to be passed round from one to another, and not to be gulped in +a corner by any particular individle. And now I'm throwing out hints of +this natur' I will just intimate another that you may add to your next +demonstration, by way of what you call a corollary; which is this--that +is to say--if all you tell us about the bursting of the boiler, and the +polar kick be true, then is the 'arth the first steamboat that was ever +invented, and the boastings of the French, and the English, and the +Spaniards, and the Italians, on this point, are no more than so much +smoke." + +"And of the Americans, too, Captain Poke," I ventured to observe. + +"Why, Sir John, that is as it may happen. I don't well see how Fulton +could have stolen the idee, seeing that he did not know the Doctor, and +most probably never heard of Leaphigh in his life." + +We all smiled, even to the amiable Chatterissa, at the nicety of the +navigator's distinctions; and the philosopher's lecture, in its more +didactic form, being now virtually at an end, a long and desultory +conversation took place, in which a multitude of ingenious questions +were put by Captain Poke and myself, and which were as cleverly answered +by the Doctor and his friends. + +At length, Dr. Reasono, who, philosopher as he was, and much as he loved +science, had not given himself all this trouble without a view to what +are called ulterior considerations, came out with a frank expose of his +wishes. Accident had apparently combined all the means for gratifying +the burning desire I betrayed to be let into further details of the +monikin polity, morals, philosophy, and all the other great social +interests of the part of the world they inhabit. I was wealthy beyond +bounds, and the equipment of a proper vessel would be an expenditure +of no moment; both the Doctor and Lord Chatterino were good practical +geographers, after they were once within the parallel of 77 degrees +south, and Captain Poke, according to his own account of himself, had +passed half his life in poking about among the sterile and uninhabited +islands of the frozen ocean. What was there to prevent the most earnest +wishes of all present from being gratified? The captain was out of +employment, and no doubt would be glad to get the command of a good +tight sea-boat; the strangers pined for home, and it was my most ardent +wish to increase my stake in society, by taking a further interest in +monikins. + +On this hint, I frankly made a proposal to the old sealer to undertake +the task of restoring these amiable and enlightened strangers to their +own firesides and families. The Captain soon began to discover a little +of his Stunin'tun propensity; for the more I pressed the matter on him, +the more readily he found objections. The several motives he urged for +declining the proposal, may be succinctly given as follows:-- + +It was true that he wanted employment, but then he wanted to see +Stunin'tun too; he doubted whether monkeys would make good sailors; it +was no joke to run in among the ice, and it might be still less of one +to find our way back again; he had seen the bodies of dead seals and +bears that were frozen as hard as stone, and which might, for anything +he knew, have lain in that state a hundred years, and, for his part, he +should like to be buried when he was good for nothing else. How did he +know these monikins might not catch the men, when they had once +fairly got them in their country, and strip them, and make them throw +summersets, as the Savoyards had compelled the Doctor, and even the +Lady Chatterissa to do?--he knew he should break his neck the very first +flap-jack; if he were ten years younger, perhaps he should like the +frolic; he did not believe the right sort of craft could be found in +England, and for his part, he liked sailing under the stars and stripes; +he didn't know but he might go if he had a crew of Stunin'tunners; he +always knew how to get along with such people; he could scare one by +threatening to tell his marm how he behaved, and bring another to reason +by hinting that the gals would shy him if he wasn't more accommodating; +then there might be no such place as Leaphigh, after all; or, if there +was, he might never find it; as for wearing a bison-skin under the +equator, it was quite out of the question, a human skin being a heavy +load to carry in the calm latitudes; and finally that he didn't exactly +see what he was to get by it. + +These objections were met, one by one, reversing the order in which they +were made, and commencing with the last. + +I offered a thousand pounds sterling as the reward. This proposal +brought a gleam of satisfaction into Noah's eyes, though he shook his +head, as if he thought it very little. It was then suggested that there +was no doubt we should discover certain islands that were well stored +with seals, and that I would waive all claims as owner, and that +hereafter he might turn these discoveries to his own private account. At +this bait he nibbled, and, at one time, I thought he was about to suffer +himself to be caught. But he remained obstinate. After trying all our +united rhetoric, and doubling the amount of the pecuniary offer, Dr. +Reasono luckily bethought him of the universal engine of human weakness, +and the old sealer, who had resisted money--an influence of known +efficacy at Stunin'tun--ambition, the secret of new sealing grounds, and +all the ordinary inducements that might be thought to have weight with +men of his class, was, in the end, hooked by his own vanity! + +The philosopher cunningly expatiated on the pleasure there would be in +reading a paper before the Academy of Leaphigh, on the subject of the +captain's peculiar views touching the earth's annual revolution, and of +the virtue of sailing planets, with their helms lashed hard aport, when +all the dogmatical old navigator's scruples melted away like snow in a +thaw. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. A CHAPTER OF PREPARATIONS--DISCRIMINATION IN CHARACTER--A +TIGHT FIT, AND OTHER CONVENIENCES, WITH SOME JUDGMENT. + + +I shall pass lightly over the events of the succeeding month. During +this time, the whole party were transferred to England, a proper ship +had been bought and equipped, the family of strangers were put in quiet +possession of their cabins, and I had made all ray arrangements for +being absent from England for the next two years. The vessel was a +stout-built, comfortable ship of about three hundred tons burden, and +had been properly constructed to encounter the dangers of the ice. Her +accommodations were suitably arranged to meet all the exigencies of +both monikin and human wants, the apartments of the ladies being very +properly separated from those of the gentlemen, and otherwise rendered +decorous and commodious. The Lady Chatterissa very pleasantly called +their private room the gynecee, which, as I afterwards ascertained, was +a term for the women's apartment, obtained from the Greek, the monikins +being quite as much addicted as we are ourselves, to showing their +acquirements by the introduction of words from foreign tongues. + +Noah showed great care in the selection of the ship's company, the +service being known to be arduous, and the duties of a very responsible +character. For this purpose, he made a journey expressly to Liverpool +(the ship lying in the Greenland Dock at London), where he was fortunate +enough to engage five Yankees, as many Englishmen, two Norwegians, and a +Swede, all of whom had been accustomed to cruising as near the poles as +ordinary men ever succeeded in reaching. He was also well suited in his +cook and mates; but I observed that he had great difficulty in finding +a cabin-boy to his mind. More than twenty applicants were rejected, some +for the want of one qualification, and some for the want of another. As +I was present at several examinations of different candidates for the +office, I got a little insight into his manner of ascertaining their +respective merits. + +The invariable practice was, first, to place a bottle of rum and a +pitcher of water before the lad, and to order him to try his hand at +mixing a glass of grog. Four applicants were incontinently rejected for +manifesting a natural inaptitude at hitting the juste milieu, in this +important part of the duty of a cabin-boy. Most of the candidates, +however, were reasonably expert in the art; and the captain soon came +to the next requisite, which was, to say "Sir," in a tone, as Noah +expressed it, somewhere between the snap of a steel-trap and the +mendicant whine of a beggar. Fourteen were rejected for deficiencies on +this score, the captain remarking that most of them "were the sa'ciest +blackguards" he had ever fallen in with. When he had, at length, found +one who could mix a tumbler of grog, and answer "Sir," to his liking, +he proceeded to make experiments on their abilities in carrying a +soup-tureen over a slushed plank; in wiping plates without a napkin, +and without using their shirt-sleeves; in snuffing candles with their +fingers; in making a soft bed with few materials besides boards; in +mixing the various compounds of burgoo, lobscouse, and dough, (which he +affectedly pronounced duff); in fattening pigs on beef-bones, and ducks +on the sweepings of the deck; in looking at molasses without licking his +lips; and in various other similar accomplishments, which he maintained +were as familiar to the children of Stunin'tun, as their singing-books +and the ten commandments. The nineteenth candidate, to my uninstructed +eyes, seemed perfect; but Noah rejected him for the want of a quality +that he declared was indispensable to the quiet of the ship. It +appeared that he was too bony about an essential part of his anatomy, a +peculiarity that was very dangerous to a captain, as he himself was once +so unfortunate as to put his great toe out of joint, by kicking one of +those ill-formed youngsters with unpremeditated violence; a thing that +was very apt to happen to a man in a hurry. Luckily, No. twenty passed, +and was immediately promoted to the vacant berth. The very next day +the ship put to sea, in good condition, and with every prospect of a +fortunate voyage. + +I will here state that a general election occurred the week before we +sailed; and I ran down to Householder and got myself returned, in order +to protect the interests of those who had a natural right to look up to +me for that small favor. + +We discharged the pilot when we had the Scilly Islands over the +taffrail, and Mr. Poke took command of the vessel in good earnest. +Coming down channel, he had done little more than rummage about in +the cabin, examine the lockers, and make his foot acquainted with the +anatomy of poor Bob, as the cabin-boy was called; who, judging from +the amount of the captain's practice, was admirably well suited for his +station, in the great requisite of a kickee. But, the last hold of the +land loosened by the departure of the pilot, our navigator came forth in +his true colors, and showed the stuff of which he was really made. The +first thing he did was to cause a pull to be made on every halyard, +bowline, and brace in the ship; he then rattled off both mates, in +order to show them (as he afterwards told me in confidence) that he was +captain of his own vessel; gave the people to understand he did not like +to speak twice on the same subject and on the same occasion, which he +said was a privilege he very willingly left to Congressmen and women; +and then he appeared satisfied with himself and all around him. + +A week after we had taken our departure, I ventured to ask Captain Poke +if it might not be well enough to take an observation, and to resort to +some means in order to know where the ship was. Noah treated this idea +with great disrespect. He could see no use in wearing out quadrants +without any necessity for it. Our course was south, we knew, for we were +bound to the south pole; all we had to do was to keep America on the +starboard, and Africa on the larboard hand. To be sure, there was +something to be said about the trades, and a little allowance to be made +for currents now and then; but he and the ship would get to be +better acquainted before a great while, and then all would go on like +clockwork. A few days after this conversation, I was on deck just as day +dawned, and to my surprise Noah, who was in his berth, called out to the +mate, through the skylight, to let him know exactly how the land bore. +No one had yet seen any land; but at this summons we began to look about +us, and sure enough there was an island dimly visible on the eastern +board! Its position by compass was immediately communicated to the +captain, who seemed well satisfied with the result. Renewing his +admonition to the officer of the deck to take care and keep Africa on +the larboard hand, he turned over in his bed to resume his nap. + +I afterwards understood from the mates, that we had made a very capital +fall upon the trades, and that we were getting on wonderfully well, +though it was quite as great a mystery to them as it was to me, how +the captain could know where the ship was; for he had not touched his +quadrant, except to wipe it with a silk handkerchief, since we left +England. About a fortnight after we had passed the Cape de Verds, Noah +came on deck in a great rage, and began to storm at the mate and the +man at the wheel for not keeping the ship her course. To this the +former answered with spirit, that the only order he had received in a +fortnight, was "to keep her jogging south, allowing for variation," and +that she was heading at that moment according to orders. Hereupon, Noah +gave Bob, who happened to pass him just then, a smart application a +posteriori, and swore "that the compass was as big a fool as the mate; +that the ship was two points off her course; that south was hereaway, +and not thereaway; that he knew by the feel of the wind that it had no +northin' in it, and we had got it away on the quarter, whereas it ought +to be for'ard of the beam; that we were running for Rio instead of +Leaphigh, and that if we ever expected to get to the latter country, we +must haul up on a good taut bowline." The mate, to my surprise, suddenly +acquiesced, and immediately brought the ship by the wind. He afterwards +told me, in a half-whisper, that the second mate having been sharpening +some harpoons, had unwittingly left them much too close to the binnacle; +and that, in fact, the magnet had been attracted by them, so as to +deceive the man at the wheel and himself, fully twenty degrees as to the +real points of the compass. I must say this little occurrence greatly +encouraged me, leaving no doubt about our eventual and safe arrival as +far, at least, as the boundary of ice which separates the human from the +monikin region. Profiting by this feeling of security, I now began to +revive the intercourse with the strangers, which had been partially +interrupted by the novel and disagreeable circumstances of a sea life. + +The Lady Chatterissa and her companion, as is much the case with females +at sea, rarely left the gynecee; but as we drew near the equator, the +philosopher and the young peer passed most of their time on deck, or +aloft. Dr. Reasono and I spent half of the mild nights in discussing +subjects connected with my future travels; and as soon as we were well +clear of the rain and the thunder and lightning of the calm latitudes, +Captain Poke, Robert, and myself began to study the language of +Leaphigh. The cabin-boy was included in this arrangement, Noah +intimating we should find it convenient to take him on shore with +us, since a wish to conceal my destination had induced me to bring +no servant along. Luckily for us, the monikin ingenuity had greatly +diminished the labor of the acquisition. The whole language was spoken +and written on a system of decimals, which rendered it particularly +easy, after the elementary principles were once acquired. Thus, unlike +most human tongues, in which the rule usually forms the exception, +no departure from its laws was ever allowed, under the penalty of the +pillory. This provision, the captain protested, was the best rule +of them all, and saved a vast deal of trouble; for, as he knew +by experience, a man might be a perfect adept in the language of +Stunin'tun, and then be laughed at in New York for his pains. The +comprehensiveness of the tongue was also another great advantage; +though, like all other eminent advantages or excessive good, it was +the next-door neighbor to as great an evil. Thus, as my Lord Chatterino +obligingly explained, "we-witch-it-me-cum" means "Madam, I love you from +the crown of my head to the tip of my tail; and as I love no other half +as well, it would make me the happiest monikin on earth, if you would +consent to become my wife, that we might be models of domestic propriety +before all eyes, from this time henceforth and forever." In short, it +was the usual and most solemn expression for asking in marriage; and, +by the laws of the land, was binding on the proposer until as +formally declined by the other party. But, unluckily, the word +"we-switch-it-me-cum" means "Madam, I love you from the crown of my head +to the tip of my tail; and, if I did not love another better, it would +make me the happiest monikin on earth, if you would consent to become +my wife, that we might be models of domestic propriety before all eyes, +from this time henceforth and forever." Now this distinction, subtle and +insignificant as it was to the eye and the ear, caused a vast deal of +heart-burning and disappointment among the young people of Leaphigh. +Several serious lawsuits had grown out of this cause, and two great +political parties had taken root in the unfortunate mistake of a young +monikin of quality, who happened to lisp, and who used the fatal word +indiscreetly. That feud, however, was now happily appeased, having +lasted only a century, but it would be wise, as we were all three +bachelors, to take note of the distinction. Captain Poke said he +thought, on the whole, he was perfectly safe, as he was much accustomed +to the use of the word "switchel"; but he thought it might be very +well to go before some consul as soon as the ship anchored, and enter +a formal protest of our ignorance of all these niceties, lest some +advantage should be taken of us by the reptiles of lawyers; that he in +particular was not a bachelor, and that Miss Poke would be as furious +as a hurricane, if by accident, he should happen to forget himself. The +matter was deferred for future deliberation. + +About this time, too, I had some more interesting communications with +Dr. Reasono, on the subject of the private histories of all the party of +which he was the principal member. It would seem that the philosopher, +though rich in learning, and the proprietor of one of the best developed +caudce in the entire monikin world, was poor in the more vulgar +attributes of monikin wealth. While he bestowed freely, therefore, from +the stores of his philosophy, and through the medium of the academy +of Leaphigh, on all his fellows, he was obliged to seek an especial +recipient for his surplus knowledge, in the shape of a pupil, in order +to provide for the small remains of the animal that still lingered in +his habits. Lord Chatterino, the orphan heritor of one of the noblest +and wealthiest, as well as one of the most ancient houses of Leaphigh, +had been put under his instruction at a very tender age, as had my Lady +Chatterissa under that of Mrs. Lynx, with very much the same objects. +This young and accomplished pair had early distinguished each other, +in monikin society, for their unusual graces of person, general +attainments, mutual amiableness of disposition, harmony of thought, and +soundness of principles. Everything was propitious to the gentle flame +which was kindled in the vestal bosom of Chatterissa, and which was met +by a passion so ardent and so respectful, as that which glowed in the +heart of young No. 8 purple. The friends of the respective parties, +so soon as the budding sympathy between them was observed, in order to +prevent the blight of wishes so appropriate, had called in the aid of +the matrimonial surveyor-general of Leaphigh, an officer especially +appointed by the king in council, whose duty it is to take cognizance of +the proprieties of all engagements that are likely to assume a character +as grave and durable as that of marriage. Dr. Reasono showed me the +certificate issued from the Marriage Department on this occasion, and +which, in all his wanderings, he had contrived to conceal within the +lining of the Spanish hat the Savoyards had compelled him to wear, and +which he still preserved as a document that was absolutely indispensable +on his return to Leaphigh; else he would never be permitted to travel +afoot in company with two young people of birth and of good estates, who +were of the different sexes. I translate the certificate, as literally +as the poverty of the English language will allow. + +Extract from the Book of Fitness, Marriage Department, Leaphigh, season +of nuts, day of brightness. + +Vol. 7243, p. 82. + +Lord Chatterino: Domains; 126,952 3/4 acres of land; meadow, arable and +wood in just proportions. + +Lady Chatterissa: Domains; 115,999 1/2 acres of land; mostly arable. + +Decree, as of record; it is found that the lands of my Lady Chatterissa +possess in quality what they want in quantity. + +Lord Chatterino: Birth; sixteen descents pure; one bastardy--four +descents pure--a suspicion--one descent pure--a certainty. + +Lady Chatterissa: Birth; six descents pure--three bastardies--eleven +descents pure--a certainty--a suspicion--unknown. + +Decree as of record; it is found that the advantage is on the side of my +Lord Chatterino, but the excellence of the estate on the other side is +believed to equalize the parties. + +(Signed) No. 6 ermine. A true copy. + +(Counter signed) No. 1,000,003 ink-color. + +Ordered, that the parties make the Journey of Trial together, under the +charge of Socrates Reasono, Professor of Probabilities in the University +of Leaphigh, LL.D., F. U. D. G. E., and of Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, licensed +duenna. + +The Journey of Trial is so peculiar to the monikin system, and it might +be so usefully introduced into our own, that it may be well to explain +it. Whenever it is found that a young couple are agreeable (to use a +peculiar anglicized anglicism), in all the more essential requisites of +matrimony, they are sent on the journey in question, under the care of +prudent and experienced mentors, with a view to ascertain how far +they may be able to support, in each other's society, the ordinary +vicissitudes of life. In the case of candidates of the more vulgar +classes, there are official overseers, who usually drag them through a +few mud-puddles, and then set them to work at some hard labor that is +especially profitable to the public functionaries, who commonly get the +greater part of their own year's work done in this manner. But, as the +moral provisions of all laws are invented less for those who own +126,952 3/4 acres of land, divided into meadow, arable and wood, in just +proportions, than for those whose virtues are more likely to yield +to the fiery ordeal of temptation, the rich and noble, after making +a proper and useful manifestation of their compliance with the usage, +ordinarily retire to their country seats, where they pass the period of +probation as agreeably as they can; taking care to cause to be inserted +in the Leaphigh gazette, however, occasional extracts from their letters +describing the pains and hardships they are compelled to endure for the +consolation and edification of those who have neither birth nor country +houses. In a good many instances the journey is actually performed by +proxy But the case of my Lord Chatterino and my Lady Chatterissa formed +an exception even to these exceptions. It was thought by the authorities +that the attachment of a pair so illustrious offered a good occasion to +distinguish the Leaphigh impartiality; and on the well-known principle +which induces us sometimes to hang an earl in England, the young couple +were commanded actually to go forth with all useful eclat (secret orders +being given to their guardians to allow every possible indulgence, at +the same time), in order that the lieges might see and exult in the +sternness and integrity of their rulers. + +Dr. Reasono had accordingly taken his departure from the capital for the +mountains, where he instructed his wards in a practical commentary of +the ups and downs of life, by exposing them on the verges of precipices +and in the delights of the most fertile valleys (which, as he justly +observed, was the greater danger of the two), leading them over flinty +paths, hungry and cold, in order to try their tempers; and setting up +establishments with the most awkward peasants for servants, to ascertain +the depth of Chatterissa's philosophy; with a variety of similar +ingenious devices, that will readily suggest themselves to all who have +any matrimonial experience, whether they live in palaces or cottages. +When this part of the trial was successfully terminated (the result +having shown that the gentle Chatterissa was of proof, so far as mere +temper was concerned), the whole party were ordered off to the barrier +of ice, which divides the monikin from the human region, with a view to +ascertain whether the warmth of their attachment was of a nature likely +to resist the freezing collisions of the world. Here, unfortunately, +(for the truth must be said), an unlucky desire of Dr. Reasono, who was +already F. U. D. G. E., but who had a devouring ambition to become also +M. O. R. E., led him into the extreme imprudence of pushing through +an opening, where he had formerly discovered an island, on an ancient +expedition of the same sort; and on which island he thought he saw a +rock, that formed a stratum of what he believed to be a portion of the +forty thousand square miles that were discomposed by the great eruption +of the earth's boiler. The philosopher foresaw a thousand interesting +results that were dependent on the ascertaining of this important +fact; for all the learning of Leaphigh having been exhausted, some five +hundred years before, in establishing the greatest distance to which any +fragment had been thrown on that memorable occasion, great attention had +latterly been given to the discovery of the least distance any fragment +had been hurled. Perhaps I ought to speak tenderly of the consequences +of a learned zeal, but it was entirely owing to this indiscretion that +the whole party fell into the hands of certain mariners who were sealing +on the northern shores of this very island, (friends and neighbors, as +it afterwards appeared, of Captain Poke), who remorselessly seized upon +the travellers, and sold them to a homeward-bound India-man, which they +afterwards fell in with near the island of St. Helena--St. Helena! the +tomb of him who is a model to all posterity, for the moderation of his +desires, the simplicity of his character, a deep veneration for +truth, profound reverence for justice, unwavering faith, and a clear +appreciation of all the nobler virtues. + +We came in sight of the island in question, just as Dr. Reasono +concluded his interesting narrative; and, turning to Captain Poke, I +solemnly asked that discerning and shrewd seaman,-- + +"If he did not think the future would fully avenge itself of the +past--if history would not do ample justice to the mighty dead--if +certain names would not be consigned to everlasting infamy for chaining +a hero to a rock; and whether HIS country, the land of freemen, would +ever have disgraced itself, by such an act of barbarism and vengeance?" + +The captain heard me very calmly; then deliberately helping himself to +some tobacco, he replied,-- + +"Harkee, Sir John. At Stunin'tun, when we catch a ferocious critter', we +always put it in a cage. I'm no great mathematician, as I've often told +you; if my dog bites me once, I kick him--twice, I beat him--thrice, I +chain him." + +Alas! there are minds so unfortunately constituted, that they have +no sympathies with the sublime. All their tendencies are direct and +common-sense like. To such men, Napoleon appears little better than one +who lived among his fellows more in the character of a tiger than in +that of a man. They condemn him because he could not reduce his own +sense of the attributes of greatness to the level of their home-bred +morality. Among this number, it would now seem, was to be classed +Captain Noah Poke. + +A wish to relate the manner in which Dr. Reasono and his companions +fell into human hands, has caused me to overlook one or two matters +of lighter moment, that should not, in justice to myself, however, be +entirely omitted. + +When we had been at sea two days, a very agreeable surprise for the +monikin party was prepared and executed. I had caused a certain number +of jackets and trousers to be made of the skins of different animals, +such as dogs, cats, sheep, tigers, leopards, hogs, etc., etc., with the +proper accompaniments of snouts, hoofs, and claws; and, when the ladies +came on deck, after breakfast, their eyes were no longer offended by our +rude innovations upon nature, but the whole crew were flying about the +rigging, like so many animals of the different species named. Noah +and myself appeared in the characters of sea-lions, the former having +intimated that he understood the nature of that beast better than any +other. Of course, this delicate attention was properly appreciated, and +handsomely acknowledged. + +I had taken the precaution to order imitation-skins to be made of +cotton, which were worn in the low latitudes; and, as we got near the +Falkland Islands, the real skins were resumed, with promptitude, and I +might add, with pleasure. + +Noah had, at first, raised some strong objections to the scheme, saying +that he should not feel safe in a ship manned and officered altogether +by wild beasts; but, at last, he came to enjoy the thing as a good joke, +never failing to hail the men, not by their names as formerly, but, +as he expressed it himself, "by their natur's"; calling out "You cat, +scratch this"; "You tiger, jump here"; "You hog, out of that dirt"'; +"You dog, scamper there"; "You horse, haul away," and divers other +similar conceits, that singularly tickled his fancy. The men themselves +took up the ball, which they kept rolling, embellished with all sorts of +nautical witticisms; their surname--they had but one, viz. Smith--being +entirely dropped for the new appellations. Thus, the sounds of "Tom +Dog," "Jack Cat," "Bill Tiger," "Sam Hog," and "Dick Horse," were flying +about the deck from morning to night. + +Good humor is a great alleviator of bodily privation. From the time the +ship lost sight of Staten Land, we had heavy weather, with hard gales +from the southward and westward; and we had the utmost difficulty in +making our southing. Observations now became a very difficult matter, +the sun being invisible for a week at a time. The marine instinct of +Noah, at this crisis, was of the last importance to all on board. He +gave us the cheering assurance, however, from time to time, that we were +going south, although the mates declared that they knew not where the +ship was, or whither she was running; neither sun, moon, nor star having +now been seen for more than a week. + +We had been in this state of anxiety and doubt for about a fortnight, +when Captain Poke suddenly appeared on deck, and called for the +cabin-boy, in his usual stentorian and no-denial voice, by the name of +"You Bob Ape"; for the duty of Robert requiring that he should be much +about the persons of the monikins, I had given him a dress of apes' +skins, as a garb that would be more congenial to their tastes than +that of a pig, or a weasel. Bob Ape was soon forthcoming, and, as he +approached his master, he quietly turned his face from him, receiving, +as a matter of course, three or four smart admonitory hints, by way of +letting him know that he was to be active in the performance of the +duty on which he was about to be sent. On this occasion I made an odd +discovery. Bob had profited by the dimensions of his lower garment, +which had been cut for a much larger boy (one of those who had broken +down in essaying the true Doric of "Sir"), by stuffing it with an old +union-jack-a sort of "sarvice," as he afterwards told me, that saved +him a good deal of wear and tear of skin. To return to passing events, +however; when Robert had been duly kicked, he turned about manfully, and +demanded the captain's pleasure. He was told to bring the largest and +fairest pumpkin he could find, from the private stores of Mr. Poke, that +navigator never going to sea without a store of articles that he termed +"Stunin'tun food." The captain took the pumpkin between his legs, and +carefully peeled off the whole of its greenish-yellow coat, leaving it +a globe of a whitish color. He then asked for the tar-bucket, and, with +his fingers, traced various marks, which were pretty accurate outlines +of the different continents and the larger islands of the world. The +region near the south pole, however, he left untouched; intimating that +it contained certain sealing islands, which he considered pretty much as +the private property of the Stunin'tunners. + +"Now, Doctor," he said, pointing to the pumpkin, "there is the 'arth, +and here is the tar-pot--just mark down the position of your island of +Leaphigh, if you please, according to the best accounts your academy has +of the matter. Make a dab here and there, if you happen to know of any +rocks and shoals. After that, you can lay down the island where you were +captured, giving a general idee of its headlands and of the trending of +the coast." + +Dr. Reasono took a fid, and with its end he traced all the desired +objects with great readiness and skill. Noah examined the work, and +seemed satisfied that he had fallen into the hands of a monikin who had +very correct notions of bearings and distances, one, in short, on whose +local knowledge it might do to run even in the night. He then projected +the position of Stunnin'tun, an occupation in which he took great +delight, actually designing the meeting-house and the principal tavern; +after which, the chart was laid aside. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. HOW TO STEER SMALL--HOW TO RUN THE GAUNTLET WITH A +SHIP--HOW TO GO CLEAR--A NEW-FASHIONED SCREW--DOCK, AND CERTAIN +MILE-STONES. + + +Captain Poke no longer deliberated about the course we were to steer. +With his pumpkin for a chart, his instinct for an observation, and his +nose for a compass, the sturdy sealer stood boldly to the southward; or, +at least, he ran dead before a stiff gale, which, as he more than once +affirmed, was as true a norther as if bred and born in the Canadas. + +After coursing over the billows at a tremendous rate for a day and a +night, the captain appeared on deck, with a face of unusual meaning, +and a mind loaded with its own reflections, as was proved by his winking +knowingly whenever he delivered himself of a sentiment; a habit that +he had most probably contracted, in early youth, at Stunin'tun, for it +seemed to be quite as inveterate as it was thoroughbred. + +"We shall soon know, Sir John," he observed, hitching the sea-lion skin +into symmetry, "whether it is sink or swim!" + +"Pray explain yourself, Mr. Poke," cried I, in a little alarm. "If +anything serious is to happen, you are bound to give timely notice." + +"Death is always untimely to some critturs, Sir John." + +"Am I to understand, sir, that you mean to cast away the ship?" + +"Not if I can help it, Sir John; but a craft that is foreordained to be +a wrack, will be a wrack, in spite of reefing and bracing. Look ahead, +you Dick Lion--ay, there you have it!" + +There we had it, sure enough! I can only compare the scene which now met +my eyes, to a sudden view of the range of the Oberland Alps, when the +spectator is unexpectedly placed on the verge of the precipice of the +Weissenstein. There he would see before him a boundless barrier +of glittering ice, broken into the glorious and fantastic forms of +pinnacles, walls, and valleys; while here, we saw all that was sublime +in such a view heightened by the fearful action of the boisterous ocean, +which beat upon the impassable boundary in ceaseless violence. + +"Good God! Captain Poke," I exclaimed, the instant I caught a glimpse +of the formidable danger that menaced us, "you surely do not mean to +continue madly on, with such a warning of the consequences in plain +view?" + +"What would you have, Sir John? Leaphigh lies on the t'other side of +these ice-islands!" + +"But you need not run the ship against them--why not go round them?" + +"Because they go round the 'arth, in this latitude. Now is the time +to speak, Sir John. If we are bound to Leaphigh, we have the choice of +three pretty desperate chances; to go through, to go under, or to go +over that there ice. If we are to put back, there is not a moment to +lose, for it may be even now questioned whether the ship would claw off, +as we are, with a sending sea, and this heavy norther." + +I believe I would, at that moment, gladly have given up all my social +stakes to be well rid of the adventure. Still pride, that substitute +for so many virtues, the greatest and the most potent of all hypocrites, +forbade my betraying the desire to retreat. I deliberated, while the +ship flew; and when, at length, I turned to the captain to suggest a +doubt that might, at an earlier notice, possibly have changed the whole +aspect of affairs, he bluntly told me it was too late. It was safer to +proceed than to return, if indeed, return were possible, in the present +state of the winds and waves. Making a merit of necessity, I braced my +nerves to meet the crisis, and remained a submissive, and, apparently, a +calm spectator of that which followed. + +The Walrus (such was the name of our good ship) by this time was under +easy canvas, and yet, urged by the gale, she rolled down with alarming +velocity towards the boundary of foam where the congealed and the still +liquid element held their strife. The summits of the frozen crags waved +in their glittering glory in a way just to show that they were afloat; +and I remembered to have heard that, at times, as their bases melted, +entire mountains had been known to roll over, engulfing all that lay +beneath. To me it seemed but a moment, before the ship was fairly +overshadowed by these shining cliffs, which, gently undulating, waved +their frozen summits nearly a thousand feet in air. I looked at Noah, +in alarm, for it appeared to me that he intentionally precipitated us +to destruction. But, just as I was about to remonstrate, he made a sign +with his hand, and the vessel was brought to the wind. Still retreat was +impossible; for the heave of the sea was too powerful, and the wind too +heavy, to leave us any hope of long keeping the Walrus from drifting +down upon the ragged peaks that bristled in icy glory to leeward. Nor +did Captain Poke himself seem to entertain any such design; for, instead +of hugging the gale, in order to haul off from the danger, he had caused +the yards to be laid perfectly square, and we were now running, at a +great rate, in a line nearly parallel with the frozen coast, though +gradually setting upon it. + +"Keep full! Let her go through water, you Jim Tiger," said the old +sealer, whose professional ardor was fairly aroused. "Now, Sir John, +unluckily, we are on the wrong side of these ice mountains, for the +plain reason that Leaphigh lies to the south'ard of them. We must be +stirring, therefore, for no craft that was ever launched could keep off +these crags with such a gale driving home upon them, for more than an +hour or two. Our great concern, at present, is to look out for a hole to +run into." + +"Why have you come so close to the danger, with your knowledge of the +consequences?" + +"To own the truth, Sir John, natur' is natur', and I'm getting to be a +little near-sighted as I grow old; besides, I'm not so sartain that the +danger is the more dangerous, for taking a good, steady look plump in +its face." + +Noah raised his hand, as much as to say he wished no answer, and both +of us were immediately occupied in gazing anxiously to leeward. The +ship was just opening a small cove in the ice, which might have been a +cable's length in depth, and a quarter of a mile across its outer, or +the widest part. Its form was regular, being that of a semicircle; but, +at its bottom, the ice, instead of forming a continued barrier, like all +the rest we had yet passed, was separated by a narrow opening, that +was bounded on each side by a frowning precipice. The two bergs were +evidently drawing nearer to each other, but there was still a strait, or +a watery gorge between them, of some two hundred feet in width. As the +ship plunged onward, the pass was opened, and we caught a glimpse of the +distant view to leeward. It was merely a glimpse--the impatient Walrus +allowing us but a moment for examination--but it appeared sufficient for +the purposes of the old sealer. We were already across the mouth of the +cove, and within a cable's length of the ice again; for as we drew near +what may be called the little cape, we found ourselves once more in +closer proximity to the menacing mountain. It was a moment when all +depended on decision; and fortunately, our sealer, who was so wary and +procrastinating in a bargain, never had occasion to make two drafts +on his thoughts, in situations of emergency. As the ship cleared the +promontory on the eastern side of the cove, we again opened a curvature +of the ice, which gave a little more water to leeward. Tacking was +impossible, and the helm was put hard aweather. The bow of the Walrus +fell off, and as she rose on the next wave, I thought its send would +carry us helplessly down upon the berg. But the good craft, obedient to +her rudder, whirled round, as if sensible herself of the danger, and, in +less time than I had ever before known her to wear, we felt the wind on +the other quarter. Our cats and dogs bestirred themselves, for there was +no one there, Captain Noah Poke excepted, whose heart did not beat quick +and hard. In much less time than usual, the yards were braced up on the +other tack, and the ship was ploughing heavily against the sea, with her +head to the westward. It is impossible to give one who has never been +in such a situation, a just idea of the feverish impatience, the sinking +and mounting of hope, as we watch the crablike movement of a vessel that +is clawing off a lee-shore, in a gale. In the present case, it being +well known that the sea was fathomless, we had run so near the danger +that not even the smallest of its horrors was veiled from sight. + +While the ship labored along, I saw the clouds fast shutting in to +windward, by the interposition of the promontory of ice--the certain +sign that our drift was rapid--and, as we drew nearer to the point, +breathing became labored and even audible. Here Noah took a chew of +tobacco, I presume on the principle of enjoying a last quid, should the +elements prove fatal; and then he went to the wheel in person. + +"Let her go through the water," he said, easing the helm a little--"let +her jog ahead, or we shall lose command of her in this devil's-pot!" + +The vessel felt the slight change, and drew faster through the foaming +brine, bringing us, with increasing velocity, nearer to the dreaded +point. As we came up to the promontory the water fell back in spray on +the decks, and there was an instant when it appeared as if the wind was +about to desert us. Happily the ship had drawn so far ahead as to feel +the good effects of a slight change of current that was caused by the +air rushing obliquely into the cove; and, as Noah, by easing the +helm still more, had anticipated this alteration, which had been felt +adversely but a moment before, while struggling to the eastward of +the promontory, we drew swiftly past the icy cape, opening the cove +handsomely, with the ship's head falling off fast towards the gorge. + +There was but a minute or two, for squaring the yards and obtaining the +proper position to windward of the narrow strait. Instead of running +down in a direct line for the latter, Captain Poke kept the ship on such +a course as to lay it well open, before her head was pointed towards +the passage. By this time, the two bergs had drawn so near each other as +actually to form an arch across its mouth; and this, too, at a part so +low as to render it questionable whether there was sufficient elevation +to permit the Walrus to pass beneath. But retreat was impossible, the +gale urging the ship furiously onwards. The width of the passage was now +but little more than a hundred feet, and it actually required the nicest +steerage to keep our yard-arms clear of the opposite precipices, as the +vessel dashed, with foaming bows, into the gorge. The wind drew through +the opening with tremendous violence, fairly howling as if in delight at +discovering a passage by which it might continue its furious career. We +may have been aided by the sucking of the wind and the waves, both of +which were irresistibly drawn towards the pass, or it is quite probable +that the skill of Captain Poke did us good service on this awful +occasion; but, owing to the one or the other, or to the two causes +united, the Walrus shot into the gorge so accurately as to avoid +touching either of the lateral margins of the ice. We were not so +fortunate, however, with the loftier spars; for scarcely was the +vessel beneath the arch, when she lifted on a swell, and her +main-top-gallant-mast snapped off in the cap. The ice groaned and +cracked over our heads, and large fragments fell both ahead and astern +of us, several of them even tumbling upon our decks. One large piece +came down within an inch of the extremity of Dr. Reasono's tail, just +escaping the dire calamity of knocking out the brains of that profound +and philo-monikin philosopher. In another instant the ship was through +the pass, which completely closed, with the crash of an earthquake, as +soon as possible afterwards. + +Still driven by the gale, we ran rapidly towards the south, along a +channel less than a quarter of a mile in width, the bergs evidently +closing on each side of us, and the ship, as if conscious of her +jeopardy, doing her utmost, with Captain Poke still at the wheel. In a +little more than an hour, the worst was over--the Walrus issuing into an +open basin of several leagues in extent, which was, however, completely +encircled by the frozen mountains. Here Noah took a look at the pumpkin, +after which he made no ceremony in plumply telling Dr. Reasono that +he had been greatly mistaken in laying down the position of Captivity +Island, as he himself had named the spot where the amiable strangers had +fallen into human hands. The philosopher was a little tenacious of +his opinion; but what is argument in the face of facts? Here was the +pumpkin, and there were the blue waters! The captain now quite frankly +declared that he had great doubts whether there was any such place as +Leaphigh at all; and as the ship had a capital position for such an +object, he bluntly, though privately proposed to me, that we should +throw all the monikins overboard, project the entire polar basin on +his chart as being entirely free from islands, and then go a-sealing. I +rejected the propositions, firstly, as premature; secondly, as inhuman; +thirdly, as inhospitable; fourthly, as inconvenient; and lastly, as +impracticable. + +There might have arisen a disagreeable controversy between us on this +point; for Mr. Poke had begun to warm, and to swear that one good seal, +of the true quality of fur, was worth a hundred monkeys; when most +happily the panther at the masthead cried out that two of the largest +mountains, to the southward of us, were separating, and that he could +discern a passage into another basin. Hereupon Captain Poke concentrated +his oaths, which he caused to explode like a bomb, and instantly made +sail again in the proper direction. By three o'clock, P.M., we had run +the gauntlet of the bergs a second time, and were at least a degree +nearer the pole, in the basin just alluded to. + +The mountains had now entirely disappeared in the southern board; but +the sea was covered, far as the eye could reach, with field-ice. Noah +stood on, without apprehension; for the water had been smooth ever since +we entered the first opening, the wind not having rake enough to +knock up a swell. When about a mile from the margin of the frozen and +seemingly interminable plain, the ship was brought to the wind, and +hove-to. + +Ever since the vessel left the docks, there had been six sets of spars +of a form so singular, lying among the booms, that they had often been +the subject of conversation between the mates and myself, neither of +the former being able to tell their uses. These sticks were of no great +length, some fifteen feet at the most, of sound English oak. Two or +three pairs were alike, for they were in pairs, each pair having one of +the sides of a shape resembling different parts of the ship's bottom, +with the exception that they were chiefly concave, while the bottom of a +vessel is mainly convex. At one extremity each pair was firmly connected +by a short, massive, iron link, of about two feet in length; and, at its +opposite end, a large eye-bolt was driven into each stick, where it was +securely forelocked. When the Walrus was stationary, we learned, for +the first time, the uses of these unusual preparations. A pair of the +timbers, which were of great solidity and strength, were dropped over +the stern, and, sinking beneath the keel, their upper extremities were +separated by means of lanyards turned into the eye-bolts. The lanyards +were then brought forward to the bilge of the vessel, where, by the help +of tackles, the timbers were rowsed up in such a manner that the links +came close to the false keel, and the timbers themselves were laid snug +against each side of the ship. As great care had been taken, by means of +marks on the vessel, as well as in forming the skids themselves, the fit +was perfect. No less than five pairs were secured in and near the bilge, +and as many more were distributed forwards and aft, according to the +shape of the bottom. Fore-and-aft pieces, that reached from one skid to +the other, were then placed between those about the bilge of the ship, +each of them having a certain number of short ribs, extending upwards +and downwards. These fore-and-aft pieces were laid along the waterline, +their ends entering the skids by means of mortices and tenons, where +they were snugly bolted. The result of the entire arrangement was, to +give the vessel an exterior protection against the field-ice, by +means of a sort of network of timber, the whole of which had been so +accurately fitted in the dock, as to bear equally on her frame. These +preparations were not fairly completed before ten o'clock on the +following morning, when Noah stood directly for an opening in the ice +before us, which just about that time began to be apparent. + +"We sha'nt go so fast for our armor," observed the cautious old sealer; +"but what we want in heels, we'll make up in bottom." + +For the whole of that day we worked our devious course, by great labor +and at uncertain intervals, to the southward; and at night we fastened +the Walrus to a floe, in waiting for the return of light. Just as the +day dawned, however, I heard a tremendous grating sound against the +side of the vessel; and rushing on deck, I found that we were completely +caught between two immense fields, which seemed to be attracted towards +each other for no other apparent purpose than to crush us. Here it was +that the expedient of Captain Poke made manifest its merits. Protected +by the massive timbers and false ribs, the bilge of the ship resisted +the pressure; and as, under such circumstances, something must yield, +luckily nothing but the attraction of gravitation was overcome. The +skids, through their inclination, acted as wedges, the links pressing +against the keel; and in the course of an hour the Walrus was +gradually lifted out of the water, maintaining her upright position, +in consequence of the powerful nip of the floes. No sooner was this +experiment handsomely effected, than Mr. Poke jumped upon the ice, and +commenced an examination of the ship's bottom. + +"Here's a dry-dock for you, Sir John!" exclaimed the old sealer, +chuckling. "I'll have a patent for this, the moment I put foot ag'in in +Stunin'tun." + +A feeling of security, to which I had been a stranger ever since we +entered the ice, was created by the composure of Noah, and by his +self-congratulation at what he called his project to get a look at the +Walrus's bottom. Notwithstanding all the fine declarations of exultation +and success, however, that he flourished among us who were not mariners, +I was much disposed to think that, like other men of extraordinary +genius, he had blundered on the grand result of his "ice-screws," and +that it was not foreseen and calculated. Let this be as it may, however, +all hands were soon on the floe, with brooms, scrapers, hammers, and +nails, and the opportunity of repairing and cleaning was thoroughly +improved. + +For four-and-twenty hours the ship remained in the same attitude, still +as a church, and some of us began to entertain apprehensions that she +might be kept on her frozen blocks forever. The accident had happened, +according to the statements of Captain Poke, in lat. 78 degrees 13' +26"--although I never knew in what manner he ascertained the important +particular of our precise situation. Thinking it might be well to get +some more accurate ideas on this subject, after so long and ticklish a +run, I procured the quadrant from Bob Ape, and brought it down upon the +ice, where I made it a point, as an especial favor, the weather being +favorable and the proper hour near, that our commander would correct his +instinct by a solar observation. Noah protested that your old seaman, +especially if a sealer and a Stunin'tunner, had no occasion for such +geometry operations, as he termed them; that it might be well enough, +perhaps necessary, for your counting-house, silk-gloved captains, who +run between New York and Liverpool, to be rubbing up their glasses and +polishing their sextants, for they hardly ever knew where they were, +except at such times; but as for himself, he had little need of turning +star-gazer at his time of life, and that as he had already told me, he +was getting to be near-sighted, and had some doubts whether he could +discern an object like the sun, that was known to be so many thousands +of millions of miles from the earth. These scruples, however, were +overcome by my cleaning the glasses, preparing a barrel for him to stand +on, that he might be at the customary elevation above his horizon, and +putting the instrument into his hands, the mates standing near, ready to +make the calculations when he gave the sun's declination. + +"We are drifting south'ard, I know," said Mr. Poke before he commenced +his sight--"I feel it in my bones. We are at this moment in 79 degrees +36' 14."--having made a southerly drift of more than eighty miles since +yesterday noon. Now mind my words, and see what the sun will say about +it." + +When the calculations were made, our latitude was found to be 79 degrees +35' 47". Noah was somewhat puzzled by the difference, for which he could +in no plausible way account, as the observation had been unusually good +and certain. But an opinionated and an ingenious man is seldom at a +loss to find a sufficient reason to establish his own correctness, or to +prove the mistakes of others. + +"Ay, I see how it is," he said, after a little cogitation, "the sun must +be wrong--it should be no wonder if the sun did get a little out of his +track in these high, cold latitudes. Yes, yes; the sun must be wrong." + +I was too much delighted at being certain we were going on our course +to dispute the point, and the great luminary was abandoned to the +imputation of sometimes being in error. Dr. Reasono took occasion +to say, in my private ear, that there was a sect of philosophers in +Leaphigh, who had long distrusted the accuracy of the planetary +system, and who had even thrown out hints that the earth, In its annual +revolution, moved in a direction absolutely contrary to that which +nature had contemplated when she gave the original polar impulse; but +that, as regarded himself, he thought very little of these opinions, +as he had frequent occasion to observe that there was a large class of +monikins whose ideas always went uphill. + +For two more days and as many nights, we continued to drift with the +floes to the southward, or as near as might be, towards the haven of +our wishes. On the fourth morning, there was a suitable change in the +weather; both thermometer and barometer rose; the air became more bland, +and most of our cats and dogs, notwithstanding we were still surrounded +by the ice, began to cast their skins. Dr. Reasono noted these signs, +and stepping on the floe, he brought back with him a considerable +fragment of the frozen element. This was carried to the camboose, where +it was subjected to the action of fire, which, within a given number of +minutes, pretty much as a matter of course, as I thought, caused it to +melt. The whole process was watched with an anxiety the most intense, by +the whole of the monikins, however; and when the result was announced, +the amiable and lovely Chatterissa clapped her pretty little pattes +with joy, and gave all the other natural indications of delight, which +characterize the emotions of that gentle sex of which she was so bright +an ornament. Dr. Reasono was not backwards in explaining the cause of +so much unusual exhilaration, for hitherto her manner had been +characterized by the well-bred and sophisticated restraint which +marks high training. The experiment had shown, by the infallible and +scientific tests of monikin chemistry, that we were now within the +influence of a steam-climate, and there could no longer be any rational +doubt of our eventual arrival in the polar basin. + +The result proved that the philosopher was right. About noon the +floes, which all that day had begun to assume what is termed a "sloppy +character," suddenly gave way, and the Walrus settled down into her +proper element, with great equanimity and propriety. Captain Poke lost +no time in unshipping the skids; and a smacking breeze, that was well +saturated with steam, springing up from the westward, we made sail. Our +course was due south, without regard to the ice, which yielded before +our bows like so much thick water, and just as the sun set, we entered +the open sea, rioting in the luxuriance of its genial climate, in +triumph. + +Sail was carried on the ship all that night; and just as the day dawned, +we made the first mile-stone, a proof, not to be mistaken, that we were +now actually within the monikin region. Dr. Reasono had the goodness to +explain to us the history of these aquatic phenomena. It would seem that +when the earth exploded, its entire crust, throughout the whole of this +part of the world, was started upwards in such a way as to give a very +uniform depth to the sea, which in no place exceeds four fathoms. It +follows, as a consequence, that no prevalence of northerly winds +can force the icebergs beyond 78 degrees of south latitude, as they +invariably ground on reaching the outer edge of the polar bank. The +floes, being thin, are melted of course; and thus, by this beneficent +prevention, the monikin world is kept entirely free from the very danger +to which a vulgar mind would be the most apt to believe it is the most +exposed. + +A congress of nations had been held, about five centuries since, which +was called the Holy-philo-marine-safety-and-find-the-way Alliance. At +this congress the high contracting parties agreed to name a commission +to make provision, generally, for the secure navigation of the seas. One +of the expedients of this commission, which, by the way, is said to have +been composed of very illustrious monikins, was to cause massive blocks +of stone to be laid down, at measured distances, throughout the whole of +the basin, and in which other stone uprights were secured. The necessary +inscriptions were graved on proper tablets, and as we approached the +one already named, I observed that it had the image of a monikin, carved +also in stone, with his tail extended in a right line, pointing, as Mr. +Poke assured me, S. and by W. half W. I had made sufficient progress +in the monikin language to read, as we glided past this watermark--"To +Leaphigh,--15 miles." One monikin mile, however, we were next told, was +equal to nine English statute miles; and, consequently, we were not so +near our port as was at first supposed. I expressed great satisfaction +at finding ourselves so fairly on the road, however, and paid Dr. +Reasono some well-merited compliments on the high state of civilization +to which his species had evidently arrived. The day was not distant, +I added, when it was reasonable to suppose, our own seas would have +floating restaurants and cafes, with suitable pot-houses for the +mariners; though I did not well see how we were to provide a substitute +for their own excellent organization of mile-stones. The Doctor received +my compliments with becoming modesty, saying that he had no doubt +mankind would do all that lay in their power to have good eating and +drinking-houses, whereever they could be established; but as to the +marine milestones, he agreed with me, that there was little hope of +their being planted, until the crust of the earth should be driven +upwards, so as to rise within four fathoms of the surface of the water. +On the other hand, Captain Poke held this latter improvement very cheap. +He affirmed it was no sign of civilization at all, for, as a man became +civilized, he had less need of primers and finger-boards; and, as for +Leaphigh, any tolerable navigator could see it bore S. by W. half W. +allowing for variation, distant 135 English miles. To these objections +I was silent, for I had frequent occasion to observe that men very often +underrate any advantage of which they have come into the enjoyment by a +providential interposition. + +Just as the sun was in the meridian, the cry of "land ahead" was heard +from aloft. The monikins were all smiles and gratitude; the crew were +excited by admiration and wonder; and as for myself, I was literally +ready to jump out of my skin, not only with delight, but, in some +measure also, from the exceeding warmth of the atmosphere. Our cats +and dogs began to uncase; Bob was obliged to unmask his most exposed +frontier, by removing the union-jack; and Noah himself fairly appeared +on deck in his shirt and night-cap. The amiable strangers were too much +occupied to be particular, and I slipped into my state-room to change my +toilet to a dress of thin silk, that was painted to resemble the skin of +a polar bear--a contradiction between things that is much too common in +our species ever to be deemed out of fashion. + +We neared the land with great rapidity, impelled by a steam-breeze, and +just as the sun sank in the horizon our anchor was let go, in the outer +harbor of the city of Aggregation. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. AN ARRIVAL--FORMS OF RECEPTION--SEVERAL NEW CHRISTENINGS--AN +OFFICIAL DOCUMENT, AND TERRA FIRMA. + + +It is always agreeable to arrive safe, at the end of a long, fatiguing, +and hazardous journey. But the pleasure is considerably augmented when +the visit is paid to a novel region, with a steam-climate, and which is +peopled by a new species. My own satisfaction, too was coupled with the +reflection that I had been of real service to four very interesting and +well-bred strangers, who had been cast, by an adverse fortune, into the +hands of humanity, and who owed to me a boon far more precious than life +itself--a restoration to their natural and acquired rights, their +proper stations in society, and sacred liberty! The reader will judge, +therefore, with what inward self-congratulation I now received the +acknowledgments of the whole monikin party, and listened to their most +solemn protestations ever to consider, not only all they might jointly +and severally possess in the way of estates and dignities, at my entire +disposal, but their persons as my slaves. Of course, I made as light as +possible of any little service I might have done them, protesting in my +turn, that I looked upon the whole affair more in the light of a party +of pleasure than a tax, reminding them that I had not only obtained an +insight into a new philosophy, but that I was already, thanks to the +decimal system, a tolerable proficient in their ancient and learned +language. These civilities were scarcely well over, before we were +boarded by the boat of the port-captain. + +The arrival of a human ship was an event likely to create excitement in +a monikin country; and as our approach had been witnessed for several +hours, preparations had been made to give us a proper reception. The +section of the academy to whom is committed the custody of the "Science +of Indications," was hastily assembled by order of the king, who, by +the way, never speaks except through the mouth of his oldest male first +cousin, who, by the fundamental laws of the realm, is held responsible +for all his official acts (in private, the king is allowed almost as +many privileges as any other monikin), and who, as is due to him in +simple justice, is permitted to exercise, in a public point of view, the +functions of the eyes, ears, nose, conscience, and tail of the monarch. +The savans were active, and as they proceeded with method, and +on well-established principles, their report was quickly made. It +contained, as we afterwards understood, seven sheets of premises, eleven +of argument, sixteen of conjecture, and two lines of deduction. This +heavy draft on the monikin intellect was duly achieved by dividing the +work into as many parts as there were members of the section present, +viz., forty. The substance of their labors was, to say that the vessel +in sight was a strange vessel; that it came to a strange country, on +a strange errand, being manned by strangers; and that its objects +were more likely to be peaceful than warlike, since the glasses of the +academy did not enable them to discover any means of annoyance, with the +exception of certain wild beasts, who appeared, however, to be peaceably +occupied in working the ship. All this was sententiously expressed in +the purest monikin language. The effect of the report was, to cause all +hostile preparations to be abandoned. + +No sooner did the boat of the port-captain return to the shore with the +news that the strange ship had arrived with my Lord Chatterino, my Lady +Chatterissa and Dr. Reasono than there was a general burst of joy along +the strand. In a very short time the king--alias his eldest first cousin +of the male gender--ordered the usual compliments to be paid to his +distinguished subjects. A deputation of young lords the hopes of +Leaphigh came off to receive their colleague; whilst a bevy of +beautiful maidens of noble birth crowded around the smiling and graceful +Chatterissa, gladdening her heart with their caressing manners and +felicitations. The noble pair left us in separate boats, each attended +by an appropriate escort. We overlooked the little neglect of forgetting +to take leave of us, for joy had quite set them both beside themselves. +Next came a long procession composed of high numbers, all of the +"brown-study color." These learned and dignified persons were a +deputation from the academy, which had sent forth no less than forty +of its number to receive Dr. Reasono. The meeting between these loving +friends of monikinity and of knowledge, was conducted on the most +approved principles of reason. Each section (there are forty in the +academy of Leaphigh) made an address, to all of which the Doctor +returned suitable replies, always using exactly the same sentiments, but +varying the subject by transpositions, as dictionaries are known to be +composed by the ingenious combinations of the twenty-six letters of +the alphabet. Dr. Reasono withdrew with his coadjutors, to my surprise +paying not a whit more attention to Captain Poke and myself, than would +be paid in any highly-civilized country of Christendom, on a similar +occasion, by a collection of the learned, to the accidental presence of +two monkeys. I thought this augured badly, and began to feel as became +Sir John Goldencalf, Bart., of Householder Hall, in the kingdom of Great +Britain, when my sensations were nipped in the bud by the arrival of the +officers of registration and circulation. It was the duty of the latter +to give us the proper passports to enter into and to circulate within +the country, after the former had properly enregistered our numbers and +colors, in such a way as to bring us within the reach of taxation. The +officer of registration was very expeditious from long practice. He +decided, at once, that I formed a new class by myself; of which, of +course, I was No. 1. The captain and his two mates formed another, Nos. +1, 2, and 3. Bob had a class also to himself, and the honors of No. 1; +and the crew formed a fresh class, being numbered according to height, +as the register deemed their merits to be altogether physical. Next came +the important point of color, on which depended the quality of the class +or caste, the numbers merely indicating our respective stations in +the particular divisions. After a good deal of deliberation, and many +interrogatories, I was enregistered as No. 1, flesh-color. Noah as No. +1, sea-water color, and his mates 2 and 3, accordingly. Bob as No. 1, +smut-color, and the crew as Nos. 1, 2, 3, etc., tar-color. The +officer now called upon an assistant to come forth with a sort of +knitting-needle heated red-hot, in order to affix the official stamp to +each in succession. Luckily for us all, Noah happened to be the first to +whom the agent of the stamp-office applied, to uncase and to prepare +for the operation. The result was one of those bursts of eloquent and +logical vituperation, and of remonstrating outcries, to which any +new personal exaction never failed to give birth in the sealer. His +discourse on this occasion might be divided into the several following +heads, all of which were very ingeniously embellished by the usual +expletives and imagery:--"He was not a beast to be branded like a horse, +nor a slave to be treated like a Congo nigger; he saw no use in applying +the marks to men, who were sufficiently distinguished from monkeys +already; Sir John had a handle before his name, and if he liked it, he +might carry his name behind his body, by way of counterpoise, but for +his part, he wanted no outriggers of the sort, being satisfied with +plain Noah Poke; he was a republican, and it was anti-republican for a +man to carry about with him graven images; he thought it might be even +flying in the face of the Scriptures, or what was worse, turning his +back on them; he said that the Walrus had her name, in good legible +characters on her starn, and that might answer for both of them; he +protested, d--n his eyes, that he wouldn't be branded like a thief; +he incontinently wished the keeper of the privy seal to the d---l; he +insisted there was no use in the practice, unless one threw all aback, +and went starn foremost into society, a rudeness at which human natur' +revolted; he knew a man in Stunin'tun who had five names, and he should +like to know what they would do with him, if this practice should +come into fashion there; he had no objection to a little paint, but no +red-hot knitting-needle should make acquaintance with his flesh, so long +as he walked his quarter-deck." + +The keeper of the seals listened to this remonstrance with singular +patience and decorum; a forbearance that was probably owing to his not +understanding a word that had been said. But there is a language that +is universal, and it is not less easy to comprehend when a man is in +a passion, than it is to comprehend any other irritated animal. The +officer of the registration department, on this hint, politely inquired +of me, if some part of his official duties were not particularly +disagreeable to No. 1, sea-water color. On my admitting that the captain +was reluctant to be branded, he merely shrugged his shoulders, and +observed that the exactions of the public were seldom agreeable, but +that duty was duty, that the stamp act was peremptory, and not a foot of +ours could touch Leaphigh until we were all checked off in this manner, +in exact conformity with the registration. I was much puzzled what to +do, by this indomitable purpose to perform his duty in the officer; +for, to own the truth, my own cuticle had quite as much aversion to the +operation, as of Captain Poke himself. It was not the principle so +much as the novelty of its application which distressed me; for I had +travelled too much not to know that a stranger rarely enters a civilized +country without being more or less skinned, the merest savages only +permitting him to pass unscathed. It suddenly came to my recollection +that the monikins had left all the remains of their particular stores +on board, consisting of an ample supply of delicious nuts. Sending for +a bag of the best of them, I ordered it to be put into the register's +boat, informing him at the same time, that I was conscious they were +quite unworthy of him, but that I hoped, such as they were, he would +allow me to make an offering of them to his wife. This attention was +properly felt and received; and a few minutes afterwards, a certificate +in the following words was put into my hands, viz.: + +"Leaphigh, season of promise, day of performance: Whereas, certain +persons of the human species have lately presented themselves to be +enregistered, according to the statute 'for the promotion of order and +classification, and for the collection of contributions'; and whereas, +these persons are yet in the second class of the animal probation, +and are more subject to bodily impressions than the higher, or monikin +species: Now, know all monikins, etc., that they are stamped in paint, +and that only by their numbers; each class among them being easily to be +distinguished from the others, by outward and indelible proofs. + +"Signed, + +"No. 8,020 office-color." + +I was told that all we had to do now was to mark ourselves with paint +or tar, as we might choose, the latter being recommended for the crew; +taking no further trouble than to number ourselves; and when we went +ashore, if any of the gens-d'armes inquired why we had not the legal +impression on our persons, which quite possibly would be the case, as +the law was absolute in its requisitions, all we had to do was to show +the certificate; but if the certificate was not sufficient, we were men +of the world, and understood the nature of things so well, that we did +not require to be taught so simple a proposition in philosophy, as that +which says, "like causes produce like effects"; and he presumed I could +not have so far overrated his merits, as to have sent the whole of my +nuts into his boat. I avow that I was not very sorry to hear the officer +throw out these hints, for they convinced me that my journey through +Leaphigh would be accompanied with less embarrassment than I had +anticipated, since I now plainly perceived that monikins act on +principles that are not very essentially different from those of the +human race in general. + +The complaisant register and the keeper of the privy seal took their +departure together, when we forthwith proceeded to number ourselves in +compliance with his advice. As the principle was already settled, we had +no difficulty with its application, Noah, Bob, myself, and the largest +of the seamen being all Nos. 1, and the rest ranking in order. By this +time it was night. The guard-boats began to appear on the water, and we +deferred disembarking until morning. + +All hands were early afoot. It had been arranged that Captain Poke and +myself, attended by Bob, as a domestic, were to land, in order to make a +journey through the island, while the Walrus was to be left in charge of +the mates and the crew; the latter having permission to go ashore, from +time to time, as is the practice with all seamen in port. There was a +great deal of preliminary scrubbing and shaving, before the whole party +could appear on deck, properly attired for the occasion. Mr. Poke wore +a thin dress of linen, admirably designed to make him look like a +sea-lion; a conceit that he said was not only agreeable to his feelings +and habits, but which had a cool and pleasant character that was +altogether suited to a steam-climate. For my own part, I agreed with the +worthy sealer, seeing but little difference between his going in this +garb, and his going quite naked. My dress was made, on a design of +my own, after the social-stake system; or, in other words, it was so +arranged as to take an interest in half of the animals of Exeter Change, +to which MENAGERIE the artist by whom it had been painted was sent +expressly, in order to consult nature. Bob wore the effigy, as his +master called it, of a turnspit. + +The monikins were by far too polished to crowd about us when we landed, +with an impertinent and troublesome curiosity. So far from this, we were +permitted to approach the capital itself without let or hindrance. As it +is less my intention to describe physical things than to dwell upon the +philosophy and the other moral aspects of the Leaphigh world, little +more will be said of their houses, domestic economy, and other +improvements in the arts, than may be gathered incidentally, as the +narrative shall proceed. Let it suffice to say on these heads, that the +Leaphigh monikins, like men, consult, or think they consult--which, +so long as they know no better, amounts to pretty much the same +thing--their own convenience in all things, the pocket alone excepted; +and that they continue very laudably to do as their fathers did before +them, seldom making changes, unless they may happen to possess the +recommendation of being exotics; when, indeed, they are sometimes +adopted, probably on account of their possessing the merit of having +been proved suitable to another state of things. + +Among the first persons we met, on entering the great square of +Aggregation, as the capital of Leaphigh is called when rendered into +English, was my Lord Chatterino. He was gayly promenading with a company +of young nobles, who all seemed to be enjoying their youth, health, +rank, and privileges with infinite gusto. We met this party in a way to +render an escape from mutual recognition impossible. At first I thought, +from his averted eye, that it was the intention of our late shipmate +to consider our knowledge of each other as one of those accidental +acquaintances which, it is known, we all form at watering-places, on +journeys, or in the country, and which it is ill-mannered to press upon +others in town; or, as Captain Poke afterwards expressed it, like the +intimacy between an Englishman and a Yankee, that has been formed in the +house of the latter, on better wine than is met with anywhere else, and +which was never yet known to withstand the influence of a British fog. +"Why, Sir John," the sealer added, "I once tuck (he meant to say TOOK, +not TUCKED) a countryman of yours under my wing, at Stunin'tun, during +the last war. He was a prisoner, as we make prisoners; that is, he +went and did pretty much as he pleased; and the fellow had the best of +everything--molasses that a spoon would stand up in, pork that would do +to slush down a topmast, and New England rum, that a king might set down +to, but could not get up from--well, what was the end on't? Why, as sure +as we are among these monkeys, the fellow BOOKED me. Had I BOOKED but +the half of what he guzzled, the amount, I do believe, would have taken +the transaction out of any justice's court in the state. He said my +molasses was meagre, the pork lean, and the liquor infernal. There +were truth and gratitude for you! He gave the whul account, too, as a +specimen of what he called American living!" + +Hereupon I reminded my companion, that an Englishman did not like to +receive even favors on compulsion; that when he meets a stranger in his +own country, and is master of his own actions, no man understands better +what true hospitality is, as I hoped one day to show him, at Householder +Hall; as to his first remark, he ought to remember that an Englishman +considered America as no more than the country, and that it would be +ill-mannered to press an acquaintance made there. + +Noah, like most other men, was very reasonable on all subjects that did +not interfere with his prejudices or his opinions; and he very readily +admitted the general justice of my reply. + +"It's pretty much as you say, Sir John," he continued; "in England you +may press men, but it won't do to press hospitality. Get a volunteer in +this way, and he is as good a fellow as heart can wish. I shouldn't have +cared so much about the chap's book, if he had said nothin' ag'in the +rum. Why, Sir John, when the English bombarded Stunin'tun with eighteen +pounders, I proposed to load our old twelve with a gallon out of the +very same cask, for I do think it would have huv' the shot the best part +of a mile!" + +--But this digression is leading me from the narrative. My Lord +Chatterino turned his head a little on one side as we were passing, +and I was deliberating whether, under the circumstances, it would be +well-bred to remind him of our old acquaintance, when the question was +settled by the decision of Captain Poke, who placed himself in such a +position that it was no easy matter to get round him, through him, or +over him--or who laid himself what he called "athwart hawse." + +"Good morning, my lord," said the straightforward seaman, who generally +went at a subject as he went at a seal. "A fine warm day; and the smell +of the land, after so long a passage, is quite agreeable to the nose, +whatever its ups and downs may be to the legs." + +The companions of the young peer looked amazed; and some of them, +I thought, notwithstanding gravity and earnestness are rather +characteristic of the monikin physiognomy, betrayed a slight disposition +to laugh. Not so with my Lord Chatterino himself. + +He examined us a moment through a glass, and then seemed suddenly, and +on the whole, agreeably struck at seeing us. + +"How, Goldencalf!" he cried in surprise, "you in Leaphigh! This is +indeed an unexpected satisfaction; for it will now be in my power +to prove some of the facts that I am telling my friends, by actual +observation. Here are two of the humans, gents, of whom I was but this +moment giving you some account--" + +Observing a disposition to merriment in his associates, he continued, +looking exceedingly grave:-- + +"Restrain yourselves, gentlemen, I pray you. These are very worthy +people, I do assure you, in their own way, and are not at all to be +ridiculed. I scarcely know, even in our own marine, a better or a +bolder navigator than this honest seaman; and as for the one in the +parti-colored skin, I will take upon myself to say, that he is really a +person of some consideration in his own little circle. He is, I believe, +a member of par--par--par--am I right, Sir John?--a member of--" + +"Parliament, my lord--an M.P." + +"Ay--I thought I had it--an M.P., or a member of Parliament, in his own +country, which, I dare say now, is some such thing among his people, as +a public proclaimer of those laws which come from his majesty's eldest +first cousin of the masculine gender, may be among us. Some such +thing--eh--now--eh--is it not, Sir John?" + +"I dare say it is, my lord." + +"All very true, Chatterino," put in one of the young monikins, with a +very long, elaborated tail, which he carried nearly perpendicular--"but +what would be even a lawmaker--to say nothing of law-BREAKERS like +ourselves--among men! You should remember, my dear fellow, that a mere +title, or a profession, is not the criterion of true greatness; but that +the prodigy of a village may be a very common monikin in town." + +"Poh-poh"--interrupted Lord Chatterino, "thou art ever for refining, +Hightail--Sir John Goldencalf is a very respectable person in the +island of--a--a--a--what do you call that said island of yours, +Goldencalf?--a--a--" + +"Great Britain, my lord." + +"Ay, Great Breeches sure enough; yet, he is a respectable person--I can +take it upon myself to say, with confidence, a very respectable person +in Great Breeches. I dare say he owns no small portion of the island +himself. How much, now, Sir John, if the truth were told?" + +"Only the estate and village of Householder, my lord, with a few +scattered manors here and there." + +"Well, that is a very pretty thing, there can be no doubt--then you have +money at use?" + +"And who is the debtor?" sneeringly inquired the jack-a-napes Hightail. + +"No other, my Lord Hightail, than the realm of Great Britain." + +"Exquisite, that, egad! A noble's fortune in the custody of the realm of +a--Greek--a--" + +"Great Breeches," interrupted my Lord Chatterino, who, notwithstanding +he swore he was excessively angry with his friend for his obstinate +incredulity, very evidently had to exercise some forbearance to keep +from joining in the general laugh. "It is a very respectable country, I +do protest; and I scarcely remember to have tasted better gooseberries +than they grow in that very island." + +"What! have they really gardens, Chatterino?" + +"Certainly--after a fashion--and houses, and public conveyances--and +even universities." + +"You do not mean to say, certainly, that they have a system!" + +"Why, as to system, I believe they are a little at sixes and sevens. I +really can't take it upon myself to say that they have a system." + +"Oh, yes, my lord--of a certainty we have one--the social stake system." + +"Ask the creature," whispered audibly the filthy coxcomb Hightail, "if +he himself, now, has any income." + +"How is it, Sir John--have you an income?" + +"Yes, my lord, of one hundred and twelve thousand sovereigns a year." + +"Of what?--of what?" demanded two or three voices, with well-bred, +subdued eagerness. + +"Of sovereigns--why that means kings!" + +It would appear that the Leaphighers, while they obey only the king's +eldest first cousin of the masculine gender, perform all their official +acts in the name of the sovereign himself, for whose person and +character they pretty uniformly express the profoundest veneration; just +as we men express admiration for a virtue that we never practise. My +declaration, therefore, produced a strong sensation, and I was soon +required to explain myself. This I did, by simply stating the truth. + +"Oh, gold, yclept sovereigns!" exclaimed three or four, laughing +heartily. "Why then, your famous Great Breeches people, after all, +Chatterino, are so little advanced in civilization as to use gold! +Harkee, Signior--a--a--Boldercraft, have you no currency in 'promises'?" + +"I do not know, sir, that I rightly comprehend the question." + +"Why, we poor barbarians, sir, who live as you see us, only in a state +of simplicity and nature,"--there was irony in every syllable the +impudent scoundrel uttered--"we poor wretches, or rather our ancestors, +made the discovery, that for the purposes of convenience, having, as you +perceive, no pockets, it might be well to convert all our currency into +'promises.' Now, I would ask if you have any of that coin?" + +"Not as coin, sir, but as collateral to coin, we have plenty." + +"He speaks of collaterals in currency, as if he were discussing a +pedigree! Are you really, Mynherr Shouldercalf, so little advanced in +your country, as not to know the immense advantages of a currency of +'promises'?" + +"As I do not understand exactly what the nature of this currency is, +sir, I cannot answer as readily as I could wish." + +"Let us explain it to him; for, I vow, I am really curious to hear +his answer. Chatterino, do you, who have some knowledge of the thing's +habits, be our interpreter." + +"The matter is thus, Sir John. About five hundred years ago, our +ancestors, having reached that pass in civilization when they came +to dispense with the use of pockets, began to find it necessary +to substitute a new currency for that of the metals, which it was +inconvenient to carry, of which they might be robbed, and which also +was liable to be counterfeited. The first expedient was to try a lighter +substitute. Laws were passed giving value to linen and cotton, in the +raw material; then compounded and manufactured; next, written on, and +reduced in bulk, until, having passed through the several gradations of +wrapping-paper, brown-paper, foolscap and blotting-paper, and having set +the plan fairly at work, and got confidence thoroughly established, +the system was perfected by a coup de main,--'promises' in words were +substituted for all other coin. You see the advantage at a glance. +A monikin can travel without pockets or baggage, and still carry a +million; the money cannot be counterfeited, nor can it be stolen or +burned." + +"But, my lord, does it not depreciate the value of property?" + +"Just the contrary;--an acre that formerly could be bought for one +promise, would now bring a thousand." + +"This, certainly, is a great improvement, unless frequent failures--" + +"Not at all; there has not been a bankruptcy in Leaphigh since the law +was passed making promises a legal tender." + + "I wonder no chancellor of the exchequer ever thought of this, at +home!" + +"So much for your Great Breeches, Chatterino!" And then there was +another and a very general laugh. I never before felt so deep a sense of +national humility. + +"As they have universities," cried another coxcomb, "perhaps this person +has attended one of them." + +"Indeed, sir," I answered, "I am regularly graduated." + +"It is not easy to see what he has done with his knowledge--for, though +my sight is none of the worst, I cannot trace the smallest sign of a +cauda about him." + +"Ah!" Lord Chatterino good-naturedly exclaimed, "the inhabitants of +Great Breeches carry their brains in their heads." + +"Their heads!" + +"Heads!" + +"That's excellent, by his majesty's prerogative! Here's civilization, +with a vengeance!" + +I now thought that the general ridicule would overwhelm me. Two or three +came closer, as if in pity or curiosity; and, at last, one cried out +that I actually wore clothes. + +"Clothes--the wretch! Chatterino, do all your human friends wear +clothes?" + +The young peer was obliged to confess the truth; and then there arose +such a clamor as may be fancied took place among the peacocks, when they +discovered the daw among them in masquerade. Human nature could endure +no more; and bowing to the company, I wished Lord Chatterino, very +hurriedly, good-morning, and proceeded towards the tavern. + +"Don't forget to step into Chatterino House, Goldencalf, before you +sail," cried my late fellow-traveller, looking over his shoulder, and +nodding in quite a friendly way towards me. + +"King!" exclaimed Captain Poke. "That blackguard ate a whole +bread-locker-full of nuts on our outward passage, and now he tells us to +step into his Chatterino House, before we sail!" + +I endeavored to pacify the sealer, by an appeal to his philosophy. It +was true that men never forgot obligations, and were always excessively +anxious to repay them; but the monikins were an exceedingly instructed +species; they thought more of their minds than of their bodies, as +was plain by comparing the smallness of the latter with the length and +development of the seat of reason; and one of his experience should know +that good-breeding is decidedly an arbitrary quality, and that we ought +to respect its laws, however opposed to our own previous practices. + +"I dare say, friend Noah, you may have observed some material difference +in the usages of Paris, for instance, and those of Stunin'tun." + +"That I have, Sir John, that I have; and altogether to the advantage of +Stunin'tun be they." + +"We are all addicted to the weakness of believing our own customs best; +and it requires that we should travel much, before we are able to decide +on points so nice." + +"And do you not call me a traveller! Haven't I been sixteen times +a-sealing, twice a-whaling, without counting my cruise overland, and +this last run to Leaphigh!" + +"Ay, you have gone over much land and much water, Mr. Poke; but your +stay in any given place has been just long enough to find fault. Usages +must be worn, like a shoe, before one can judge of the fit." + +It is possible Noah would have retorted, had not Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, at +that moment, come wriggling by, in a way to show she was much satisfied +with her safe return home. To own the truth, while striving to find +apologies for it, I had been a little contraire, as the French term it, +by the indifference of my Lord Chatterino, which, in my secret heart, I +was not slow in attributing to the manner in which a peer of the +realm of Leaphigh regarded, de haut en bas, a mere baronet of Great +Britain--or Great Breeches, as the young noble so pertinaciously +insisted on terming our illustrious island. Now as Mrs. Vigilance was of +"russet-color," a caste of an inferior standing, I had little doubt +that she would be as glad to own an intimacy with Sir John Goldencalf of +Householder Hall, as the other might be willing to shuffle it off. + +"Good-morrow, good Mrs. Vigilance," I said familiarly, endeavoring to +wriggle in a way that WOULD have shaken a tail, had it been my good +fortune to be the owner of one--"Good-morrow, good Mrs. Vigilance--I'm +glad to meet you again on shore." + +I do not remember that Mrs. Vigilance, during the whole period of our +acquaintance, was particularly squeamish, or topping in her deportment. +On the contrary, she had rather made herself remarkable for a modest and +commendable reserve. But on the present occasion, she disappointed all +reasonable expectation, by shrinking on one side, uttering a slight +scream, and hurrying past as if she thought we might bite her. Indeed, +I can only compare her deportment to that of a female of our own, who +is so full of vanity as to fancy all eyes on her, and who gives herself +airs about a dog or a spider, because she thinks they make her look so +much the more interesting. Conversation was quite out of the question; +for the duenna hurried on, bending her head downwards, as if heartily +ashamed of an involuntary weakness. + +"Well, good madam," said Noah, whose stern eye followed her movements +until she was quite lost in the crowd, "you would have had a sleepless +v'yage, if I had foreimagined this! Sir John, these people stare at us +as if we were wild beasts!" + +"I cannot say I am of your way of thinking, Captain Poke. To me they +seem to take no more notice of us, than we should take of two curs in +the streets of London." + +"I begin now to understand what the parsons mean when they talk of the +lost condition of man. It's ra'ally awful to witness to what a state of +unfeelingness a people can be abandoned! Bob, get out of the way, you +grinning blackguard." + +Hereupon Bob received a salutation which would have demolished his +stern-frame, had it not been for the unionjack. Just then I was glad to +see Dr. Reasono advancing towards us, surrounded by a group of attentive +listeners, all of whom, by their years, gravity, and deportment, I made +no question were savants. As he drew near, I found he was discoursing +of the marvels of his late voyage. When within six feet of us the whole +party stopped, the Doctor continuing to descant with a very proper +gesticulation, and in a way to show that his subject was of infinite +interest to his listeners. Accidentally turning his eye in our +direction, he caught a glimpse of our figures, and making a few hurried +apologies to those around him, the excellent philosopher came eagerly +forward, with both hands extended. Here was a difference, indeed, +between his treatment and that of Lord Chatterino and the duenna! The +salutation was warmly returned; and the Doctor and myself stepped a +little apart, as he lost no time in informing me he wished to say a word +in private. + +"My dear Sir John," the philosopher began, "our arrival has been the +most happily-timed thing imaginable! All Leaphigh, by this time, is +filled with the subject; and you can scarcely conceive the importance +that is attached to the event. New sources of trade, scientific +discoveries, phenomena both moral and physical, and results that it is +thought may serve to raise the monikin civilization still higher than +ever! Fortunately, the academy holds its most solemn meeting of the year +this very day, and I have been formally requested to give the assembly +an outline of those events which have lately passed before my eyes. The +king's eldest first cousin of the masculine gender is to attend openly; +and it is even conjectured, in a way to be quite authentic, that the +king himself will be present in his own royal person." + +"How!" I exclaimed, "have you a mode, in Leaphigh, of rendering +conjectures certain?" + +"Beyond a doubt, sir, or what would our civilization be worth? As to the +king's majesty, we always deal in the most direct ambiguities. Now as +respects many of our ceremonies, the sovereign is known morally to be +present, when he may be actually and physically eating his dinner at the +other extremity of the island; this important illustration of the royal +ubiquity is effected by means of a legal fiction. On the other hand, the +king often indulges his natural propensities, such as curiosity, love +of fun, or detestation of ennui, by coming in person, when, by the court +fiction, he is thought to be seated on his throne, in his own royal +palace. Oh! as to all these little accomplishments and graces in the art +of truths, we are behind no people in the universe!" + +"I beg pardon, Doctor--so his majesty is expected to be at the academy +this morning?" + +"In a private box. Now this affair is of the last importance to me as +a savant, to you as a human being--for it will have a tendency to raise +your whole species in the monikin estimation--and, lastly, to learning. +It will be indispensably necessary that you should attend, with as many +of your companions as possible, more especially the better specimens. +I was coming down to the landing in the hope of meeting you; and a +messenger has gone off to the ship to require that the people be sent +ashore forthwith. You will have a tribune to yourselves; and, really, I +do not like to express beforehand what I think concerning the degree +of attention you will all receive; but this much I think I can say--you +will see." + +"This proposition, Doctor, has taken me a little by surprise, and I +hardly know what answer to give." + +"You cannot say no, Sir John; for should his majesty hear that you have +refused to come to a meeting at which he is to be present, it would +seriously, and, I might add, justly offend him, nor could I answer for +the consequences." + +"Why, I was told that all the power was in the hands of his majesty's +eldest first cousin of the masculine gender; in which case I thought I +might snap my fingers at his majesty himself." + +"Not in opinion, Sir John, which is one of the three estates of the +government. Ours is a government of three estates--viz., the law, +opinion, and practice. By law the king rules, by practice his cousin +rules, and by opinion the king again rules. Thus, is the strong point +of practice balanced by law and opinion. This it is that constitutes the +harmony and perfection of the system. No, it would never do to offend +his majesty." + +Although I did not very well comprehend the Doctor's argument, yet, as +I had often found in human society, theories political, moral, +theological, and philosophical, that everybody had faith in, and which +nobody understood, I thought discussion useless, and gave up the point +by promising the Doctor to be at the academy in half an hour, which was +the time named for our appearance. Taking the necessary directions to +find the place, we separated; he to hasten to make his preparations, and +I to reach the tavern, in order to deposit our baggage, that no decency +might be overlooked on an occasion so solemn. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. AN INN--DEBTS PAID IN ADVANCE, AND A SINGULAR TOUCH OF +HUMAN NATURE FOUND CLOSELY INCORPORATED WITH MONIKIN NATURE + + +We soon secured rooms, ordered dinner, brushed our clothes, and made +the other little arrangements that it was necessary to observe for the +credit of the species. Everything being ready, we left the inn, and +hurried towards the "Palais des Arts et des Sciences." We had not got +out of sight of the inn, however, before one of its garcons was at our +heels with a message from his mistress. He told us, in very respectful +tones, that his master was out, and that he had taken with him the +key of the strong-box; that there was not actually money enough in the +drawer to furnish an entertainment for such great persons as ourselves, +and she had taken the liberty to send us a bill receipted, with a +request that we would make a small advance, rather than reduce her to +the mortification of treating such distinguished guests in an unworthy +manner. The bill read as follows:-- + +No. 1 parti-color and friends, + + To No. 82,763 grape-color. Dr. + To use of apartments, with meals and lights, as per + agreement, p.p. 300 per diem--one day, p.p. 300 + By cash advanced, 50 + ---- + Balance due, p.p. 250 + +"This seems all right," I observed to Noah; but I am, at this moment, as +penniless as the good woman herself. I really do not see what we are to +do, unless Bob sends her back his store of nuts--" + +"Harkee, my nimble-go-hop," put in the seaman, "what is your pleasure?" + +The waiter referred to the bill, as expressing his mistress's wants. + +"What are these p. p. that I find noted in the bill--play or pay, hey?" + +"Promises, of course, your honor." + +"Oh! then you desire fifty promises, to provide our dinner." + +"Nothing more, sir. With that sum you shall dine like noblemen--ay, sir, +like aldermen." + +I was delighted to find that this worthy class of beings have the same +propensities in all countries. + +"Here, take a hundred," answered Noah, snapping his fingers, "and make +no bones of it. And harkee, my worthy--lay out every farthing of them in +the fare. Let there be good cheer, and no one will grumble at the bill. +I am ready to buy the inn, and all it holds, at need." + +The waiter departed well satisfied with these assurances, and apparently +in the anticipation of good vails for his own trouble. + +We soon got into the current that was setting towards our place of +destination. On reaching the gate, we found that we were anxiously +expected; for there was an attendant in waiting, who instantly conducted +us to the seats that were provided for our special reception. It is +always agreeable to be among the privileged, and I must own that we were +all not a little flattered, on finding that an elevated tribune had been +prepared for us, in the centre of the rotunda in which the academy held +its sittings, so that we could see, and be seen by, every individual +of the crowded assembly. The whole crew, even to the negro cook, +had preceded us; an additional compliment, that I did not fail to +acknowledge by suitable salutations to all the members present. After +the first feelings of pleasure and surprise were a little abated, I had +leisure to look about me and to survey the company. + +The academicians occupied the whole of the body of the rotunda, the +space taken up by the erection of our temporary tribune alone excepted, +while there were sofas, chairs, tribunes, and benches arranged for the +spectators, in the outer circles, and along the side-walls of the +hall. As the edifice itself was very large, and mind had so essentially +reduced matter in the monikin species, there could not have been less +than fifty thousand tails present. Just before the ceremonies commenced, +Dr. Reasono approached our tribbune, passing from one to another of +the party, saying a pleasant and encouraging word to each, in a way to +create high expectations in us all as to what was to follow. We were +so very evidently honored and distinguished, that I struggled hard to +subdue any unworthy feeling of pride, as unbecoming human meekness, and +in order to maintain a philosophical equanimity under the manifestations +of respect and gratitude that I knew were about to be lavished upon even +the meanest of our party. The Doctor was yet in the midst of his pointed +attentions, when the king's eldest first cousin of the masculine gender +entered, and the business of the meeting immediately began. I profited +by a short pause, however, to say a few words to my companions. I told +them that there would soon be a serious demand on their modesty. We +had performed a great and generous exploit, and it did not become us +to lessen its merit by betraying a vainglorious self-esteem. I implored +them all to take pattern by me; promising, in the end, that their new +friends would trebly prize their hardihood, self-denial, and skill. + +There was a new member of the academy of Latent Sympathies to be +received and installed. A long discourse was read by one of this +department of the monikin learning, which pointed out and enlarged on +the rare merits of the new academician. He was followed by the latter; +who in a very elaborate production, that consumed just fifty-five +minutes in the reading, tried all he could to persuade the audience that +the defunct was a loss to the world, that no accident or application +would ever repair, and that he himself was precisely the worst person +who could have been selected to be his successor. I was a little +surprised at the perfect coolness with which the learned body listened +to a reproach that was so very distinctly and perseveringly thrown, as +it were, into their very teeth. But a more intimate acquaintance with +monikin society satisfied me, that any one might say just what he +pleased, so long as he allowed that every one else was an excellent +fellow, and he himself the poorest devil going. When the new member +had triumphantly established his position, and just as I thought the +colleagues were bound, in common honesty, to reconsider their vote, he +concluded, and took his seat among them with quite as much assurance as +the best philosopher of them all. + +After a short pause, and an abundance of felicitations on his excellent +and self-abasing discourse, the newly admitted member again rose, and +began to read an essay on some discoveries he had made in the science of +Latent Sympathies. According to his account of the matter, every monikin +possessed a fluid which was invisible, like the animalcula which pervade +nature, and which required only to be brought into command, and to be +reduced into more rigid laws, to become the substitute for the senses of +sight, touch, taste, hearing, and smelling. This fluid was communicable; +and had already been so far rendered subject to the will, as to make it +of service in seeing in the dark, in smelling when the operator had a +bad cold, in tasting when the palate was down, and in touching by proxy. +Ideas had been transmitted, through its agency, sixty-two leagues in one +minute and a half. Two monikins, who were afflicted with diseased tails, +had during the last two years, been insulated and saturated, and had +then lost those embellishments, by operations; a quantity of the fluid +having been substituted in their places so happily, that the patients +fancied themselves more than ever conspicuous for the length and finesse +of their caudce. An experiment had also been successfully tried on +a member of the lower house of parliament, who, being married to a +monikina of unusual mind, had for a long time been supplied with ideas +from this source, although his partner was compelled to remain at home, +in order to superintend the management of their estate, forty-two miles +from town, during the whole session. He particularly recommended to +government the promotion of this science, as it might be useful +in obtaining evidence for the purposes of justice, in detecting +conspiracies, in collecting the taxes, and selecting candidates for +trusts of a responsible nature. The suggestion was well received by the +king's cousin, more especially those parts that alluded to sedition and +the revenue. + +This essay was also perfectly well received by the savans, for I +afterwards found very little came amiss to the academy; and the members +named a committee forthwith, to examine into "the facts concerning +invisible and unknown fluids, their agency, importance, and relations to +monikin happiness." + +We were next favored with a discussion on the different significations +of the word gorstchwzyb; which, rendered into English, means "eh!" +The celebrated philologist who treated the subject, discovered amazing +ingenuity in expatiating on its ramifications and deductions. First he +tried the letters by transpositions, by which he triumphantly proved +that it was derived from all the languages of the ancients; the same +process showed that it possessed four thousand and two different +significations; he next reasoned most ably and comprehensively for ten +minutes, backwards and forwards, using no other word but this, applied +in its various senses; after which, he incontrovertibly established that +this important part of speech was so useful as to be useless, and +he concluded by a proposition, in which the academy coincided by +acclamation, that it should be forever and incontinently expunged from +the Leaphigh vocabulary. As the vote was carried by acclamation, the +king's cousin arose, and declared that the writer who should so far +offend against good taste, as hereafter to make use of the condemned +word, should have two inches cut off the extremity of his tail. A +shudder among the ladies, who, I afterwards ascertained, loved to carry +their caudae as high as our women like to carry their heads, proved the +severity of the decree. + +An experienced and seemingly much respected member now arose to make the +following proposal. He said it was known that the monikin species were +fast approaching perfection; that the increase of mind and the decrease +of matter were so very apparent as to admit of no denial; that, in his +own case, he found his physical powers diminish daily, while his mental +acquired new distinctness and force; that he could no longer see without +spectacles, hear without a tube, or taste without high seasoning; from +all this he inferred that they were drawing near to some important +change, and he wished that portion of the science of Latent Sympathies +which was connected with the unknown fluid just treated on, might be +referred to a committee on the whole, in order to make some provision +for the wants of a time when monikins should finally lose their senses. +There was nothing to say against a proposition so plausible, and it +was accepted nemine contradicente, with the exception of a few in the +minority. + +There was now a good deal of whispering, much wagging of tails, and +other indications that the real business of the meeting was about to be +touched upon. All eyes were turned on Dr. Reasono, who, after a suitable +pause, entered a tribune prepared for solemn occasions, and began his +discourse. + +The philosopher, who, having committed his essay to memory, spoke +extempore, commenced with a beautiful and most eloquent apostrophe to +learning, and to the enthusiasm which glows in the breasts of all her +real votaries, rendering them alike indifferent to their personal ease, +their temporal interests, danger, suffering, and tribulations of the +spirit. After this exordium, which was pronounced to be unique for +its simplicity and truth, he entered at once on the history of his own +recent adventures. + +First alluding to the admirable character of that Leaphigh usage which +prescribes the Journey of Trial, our philosopher spoke of the manner +in which he had been selected to accompany my lord Chatterino on an +occasion so important to his future hopes. He dwelt on the physical +preparations, the previous study, and the moral machinery that he had +employed with his pupil, before they quitted town; all of which, +there is reason to think, were well fitted to their objects, as he was +constantly interrupted by murmurs of applause. After some time spent +in dilating on these points, I had, at length, the satisfaction to find +him, Mrs. Lynx, and their two wards, fairly setting out on a journey +which, as he very justly mentioned, proved "to be pregnant with events +of so much importance to knowledge in general, to the happiness of the +species, and to several highly interesting branches of monikin science, +in particular." I say the satisfaction, for, to own the truth, I +was eager to witness the effect that would be made on the monikin +sensibilities, when he came to speak of my own discernment in detecting +their real characters beneath the contumely and disgrace in which it +had been my good fortune to find them, the promptitude with which I had +stepped forward to their relief, and the liberality and courage with +which I had furnished the means and encountered the risks that were +necessary to restore them to their native land. The anticipation of this +human triumph could not but diffuse a general satisfaction in our own +tribune--even the common mariners, as they recalled the dangers through +which they had passed, feeling a consciousness of deserving, mingled +with that soothing sentiment which is ever the companion of a merited +reward. As the philosopher drew nearer to the time when it would be +necessary to speak of us, I threw a look of triumph at Lord Chatterino, +which, however, failed of its intended effect--the young peer continuing +to whisper to his noble companions with just is much self-importance and +coolness as if he had not been one of the rescued captives. + +Dr. Reasono was justly celebrated, among his colleagues, for ingenuity +and eloquence. The excellent morals that he threw into every possible +opening of his subject, the beauty of the figures with which they were +illustrated, and the masculine tendencies of his argument, gave general +delight to the audience. The Journey of Trial was made to appear, what +it had been intended to be by the fathers and sages of the Leaphigh +institutions, a probation replete with admonitions and instruction. The +aged and experienced, who had grown callous by time, could not conceal +their exultation; the mature and suffering looked grave and full of +meditation; while the young and sanguine fairly trembled, and for +once, doubted. But, as the philosopher led his party from precipice to +precipice in safety, as rocks were scaled and seductive valleys avoided, +a common feeling of security began to extend itself among the audience; +and we all followed him in his last experiment among the ice, with that +sort of blind confidence which the soldier comes, in time, to entertain +in the orders of a tried and victorious general. + +The Doctor was graphic in his account of the manner in which he and his +wards plunged among these new trials. The lovely Chatterissa (for all +his travelling companions were present) bent aside her head and blushed, +as the philosopher alluded to the manner in which the pure flame that +glowed in her gentle bosom resisted the chill influence of that +cold region; and when he recited an ardent declaration that my lord +Chatterino had made on the centre of a floe, and the kind and amorous +answer of his mistress, I thought the applause of the old academicians +would have actually brought the vaulted dome clattering about our ears. + +At length he reached the point in the narrative where the amiable +wanderers fell in with the sealers, on that unknown island to which +chance and an adverse fortune had unhappily led them, in their +pilgrimage. I had taken measures secretly to instruct Mr. Poke and the +rest of my companions, as to the manner in which it became us to demean +ourselves, while the Doctor was acquainting the academy with that first +outrage committed by human cupidity, or the seizure of himself and +friends. We were to rise, in a body, and, turning our faces a little on +one side, veil our eyes in sign of shame. Less than this, it struck me, +could scarcely be done, without manifesting an improper indifference +to monikin rights; and more than this, might have been identifying +ourselves with the particular individuals of the species who had +perpetrated the wrong. But there was no occasion to exhibit this +delicate attention to our learned hosts. The Doctor, with a refinement +of feeling that did credit, indeed, to monikin civilization, gave an +ingenious turn to the whole affair, which at once removed all cause of +shame from our species; and which, if it left reason for any to blush, +by a noble act of disinterestedness, threw the entire onus of the +obligation on himself. Instead of dwelling on the ruthless manner +in which he and his friends had been seized, the worthy Doctor very +tranquilly informed his listeners, that, finding himself, by hazard, +brought in contact with another species, and that the means of pushing +important discoveries were unexpectedly placed in his power; conscious +it had long been a desideratum with the savans to obtain a nearer view +and more correct notions of human society; believing he had a discretion +in the matter of his wards, and knowing that the inhabitants of Leaplow, +a republic which all disliked, were seriously talking of sending out an +expedition for this very purpose, he had promptly decided to profit by +events, to push inquiry to the extent of his abilities, and to hazard +all in the cause of learning and truth, by at once engaging the vessel +of the sealers, and sailing, without dread of consequences, forthwith +into the very bosom of the world of man! + +I have listened with awe to the thunder of the tropics--I have held my +breath as the artillery of a fleet vomited forth its fire, and rent the +air with sudden concussions--I have heard the roar of the tumbling river +of the Canadas, and I have stood aghast at the crashing of a forest in a +tornado;--but never before did I feel so life-stirring, so thrilling an +emotion of surprise, alarm, and sympathy, as that which arose within me, +at the burst of commendation and delight with which this announcement of +self-devotion and enterprise was received by the audience. Tails waved, +pattes met each other in ecstasy, voice whistled to voice, and there was +one common cry of exultation, of rapture and of glorification, at this +proof, not of monikin, for that would have been frittering away the +triumph, but at this proof of Leaphigh courage. + +During the clamor, I took an opportunity to express my satisfaction at +the handsome manner in which our friend the Doctor had passed over an +acknowledged human delinquency, and the ingenuity with which he had +turned the whole of the unhappy transaction to the glory of Leaphigh. +Noah answered that the philosopher had certainly shown a knowledge of +human natur', and he presumed of monikin natur', in the matter; no one +would now dispute his statement, since, as he knew by experience, no one +was so likely to be set down as a liar, as he who endeavored to unsettle +the good opinion that either a community or an individual entertained of +himself. This was the way at Stunin'tun, and he believed this was pretty +much the way at New York, or he might say with the whole 'arth from pole +to pole. As for himself, however, he owned he should like to have a few +minutes' private conversation with the sealer in question, to hear +his account of the matter; he didn't know any owner in his part of the +world, who would bear a captain out, should he abandon a v'yage in +this way, on no better security than the promises of a monkey, and of a +monkey, too, who must, of necessity, be an utter stranger to him. + +When the tumult of applause had a little abated, Dr. Reasono proceeded +with his narrative. He touched lightly on the accommodations of the +schooner, which he gave us reason to think were altogether of a quality +beneath the condition of her passengers; and he added that, falling +in with a larger and fairer vessel, which was making a passage between +Bombay and Great Britain, he profited by the occasion, to exchange +ships. This vessel touched at the island of St. Helena, where, according +to the Doctor's account of the matter, he found means to pass the +greater part of a week on shore. + +Of the island of St. Helena he gave a long, scientific, and certainly +an interesting account. It was reported to be volcanic, by the human +savans, he said, but a minute examination and a comparison of the +geological formation, etc., had quite satisfied him that their own +ancient account, which was contained in the mineralogical works of +Leaphigh, was the true one; or, in other words, that this rock was +a fragment of the polar world that had been blown away at the great +eruption, and which had become separated from the rest of the mass at +this spot, where it had fallen and become a fixture of the ocean. Here +the Doctor produced certain specimens of rock, which he submitted to the +learned present, inviting their attention to its character, and asking, +with great mineralogical confidence, if it did not intimately resemble +a well-known stratum of a mountain, within two leagues of the very spot +they were in? This triumphant proof of the truth of his proposition was +admirably received; and the philosopher was in particular rewarded +by the smiles of all the females present; for ladies usually are well +pleased with any demonstration that saves them the trouble of comparison +and reflection. + +Before quitting this branch of his subject, the Doctor observed that, +interesting as were these proofs of the accuracy of their histories, and +of the great revolutions of inanimate nature, there was another topic +connected with St. Helena, which, he felt certain, would excite a lively +emotion in the breasts of all who heard him. At the period of his visit, +the island had been selected as a prison for a great conqueror and +disturber of his fellow-creatures; and public attention was much drawn +to the spot by this circumstance, few men coming there who did not +permit all their thoughts to be absorbed by the past acts and the +present fortunes of the individual in question. As for himself, there +was, of course, no great attraction in any events connected with mere +human greatness, the little struggles and convulsions of the species +containing no particular interest for a devotee of the monikin +philosophy; but the manner in which all eyes were drawn in one +direction, afforded him a liberty of action that he had eagerly +improved, in a way that, he humbly trusted, would not be thought +altogether unworthy of their approbation. While searching for minerals +among the cliffs, his attention had been drawn to certain animals that +are called monkeys, in the language of those regions; which, from +very obvious affinities of a physical nature, there was some reason to +believe might have had a common origin with the monikin species. +The academy would at once see how desirable it was to learn all the +interesting particulars of the habits, language, customs, marriages, +funerals, religious opinions, traditions, state of learning, and general +moral condition of this interesting people, with a view to ascertain +whether they were merely one of those abortions, to which, it is known, +nature is in the practice of giving birth, in the outward appearance +of their own species, or whether, as several of their best writers had +plausibly maintained, they were indeed a portion of those whom they +had been in the habit of designating as the "lost monikins." He had +succeeded in getting access to a family of these beings, and in passing +an entire day in their society. The result of his investigations was, +that they were truly of the monikin family, retaining much of the +ingenuity and many of the spiritual notions of their origin, but with +their intellects sadly blunted, and perhaps their improvable qualities +annihilated, by the concussion of the elements that had scattered them +abroad upon the face of the earth, houseless, hopeless, regionless +wanderers. The vicissitudes of climate, and a great alteration of +habits, had certainly wrought some physical changes; but there still +remained sufficient scientific identity to prove they were monikins. +They even retained, in their traditions, some glimmerings of the +awful catastrophe by which they were separated from the rest of their +fellow-creatures; but these necessarily were vague and profitless. +Having touched on several other points connected with these very +extraordinary facts, the Doctor concluded by saying that he saw but one +way in which this discovery could be turned to any practical advantage, +beyond the confirmation it afforded of the truth of their own annals. +He suggested the expediency of fitting out expeditions to go among these +islands and seize upon a number of families, which, being transported +into Leaphigh, might found a race of useful menials, who, while they +would prove much less troublesome than those who possessed all the +knowledge of monikins, would probably be found more intelligent and +useful than any domestic animal which they at present owned. This happy +application of the subject met with decided commendation. I observed +that most of the elderly females put their heads together on the spot, +and appeared to be congratulating each other on the prospect of being +speedily relieved from their household cares. + +Dr. Reasono next spoke of his departure from St. Helena, and of his +finally landing in Portugal. Here, agreeably to his account, he engaged +certain Savoyards to act as his couriers and guides during a tour he +intended to make through Portugal, Spain, Switzerland, France, etc., +etc., etc. I listened with admiration. Never before had I so lively +a perception of the vast difference that is effected in our views of +matters and things, by the agency of an active philosophy, as was now +furnished by the narrative of the speaker. Instead of complaining of the +treatment he had received, and of the degradations to which he and his +companions had been subjected, he spoke of it all as so much prudent +submission, on his part, to the customs of the countries in which he +happened to find himself, and as the means of ascertaining a thousand +important facts, both moral and physical, which he proposed to submit +to the academy in a separate memoir another day. At present, he was +admonished by the clock to conclude, and he would therefore hasten his +narrative as much as possible. + +The Doctor, with great ingenuousness, confessed that he could gladly +have passed a year or two longer in those distant and highly interesting +portions of the earth; but he could not forget that he had a duty to +perform to the friends of two noble families. The Journey of Trial +had been completed under the most favorable auspices, and the ladies +naturally became anxious to return home. They had accordingly passed +into Great Britain, a country remarkable for maritime enterprise, where +he immediately commenced the necessary preparations for their sailing. A +ship had been procured under the promise of allowing it to be freighted, +free of custom-house charges, with the products of Leaphigh. A thousand +applications had been made to him for permission to be of his party, +the natives naturally enough wishing to see a civilized country; but +prudence had admonished him to accept of those only who were the most +likely to make themselves useful. The king of Great Britain, no mean +prince in human estimation, had committed his only son and heir-apparent +to his care, with a view to his improvement by travelling; and the +lord high admiral himself had asked permission to take command of an +expedition that was of so much importance to knowledge in general, and +to his own profession in particular. + +Here Dr. Reasono ascended our tribune and presented Bob to the academy +as the Prince-Royal of Great Britain, and Captain Poke as her lord high +admiral! He pointed out certain peculiarities about the former, the smut +in particular, which had become pretty effectually incorporated with +the skin, as so many signs of royal birth; and ordering the youngster to +uncase, he drew forth the union-jack that the lad carefully kept +about his nether part as a fender, and exhibited it as his armorial +bearings--a modification of its uses that would not have been very far +out of the way, had another limb been substituted for the agent. As for +Captain Poke, he requested the academicians to study his nautical air +in general, as furnishing sufficient proof of his pursuits, and of the +ordinary appearance of human sea-men. + + Turning to me, I was then introduced to all present as the +travelling governor and personal attendant of Bob, and as a very +respectable person in my way. He added, that he believed, also, I had +some pretension to be the discoverer of something that was called the +social-stake system; which, he dared to say, was a very creditable +discovery for one of my opportunities. + +By this prompt substitution of employments, I found I had effectually +changed places with the cabin-boy; who, instead of waiting on me, was, +in future, to receive that trifling attention at my hands. The mates +were presented as two rear-admirals at nurse, and the crew was said to +be composed of so many post-captains in the navy of Great Britain. To +conclude, the audience was given to understand that we were all brought +to Leaphigh, like the minerals from St. Helena, as so many specimens of +the human species! + +I shall not deny that Dr. Reasono had taken a very different view of +himself and his acts, as well as of me and my acts, from those I had +all along entertained myself; and yet, on reflection, it is so common to +consider ourselves in lights very different from those in which we are +viewed by others that I could not, on the whole, complain as much of his +representations as I had at first thought it might become me to do. At +all events, I was completely spared the necessity of blushing for my +generosity and disinterestedness, and in other respects was saved the +pain of viewing any part of my own conduct under a consciousness of its +attracting attention by its singularity on the score of merit. I must +say, nevertheless, that I was both surprised and a little indignant; but +the sudden and unexpected turn that had been given to the whole affair, +threw me so completely off my centre, that for the life of me, I could +not say a word in my own behalf. To make the matter worse, that monkey +Chatterino nodded to me kindly, as if he would show the spectators that, +on the whole, he thought me a very good sort of fellow! + +After the lecture was over, the audience approached to examine us, +taking a great many amiable liberties with our persons, and otherwise +showing that we were deemed curiosities worthy of their study. The +king's cousin, too, was not neglectful of us, but he had it announced to +the assembly that we were entirely welcome to Leaphigh; and that, out of +respect to Dr. Reasono, we were all promoted to the dignity of "honorary +monikins," for the entire period of our stay in the country. He also +caused it to be proclaimed that, if the boys annoyed us in the streets, +they should have their tails curled with birch curling-irons. As for the +Doctor himself, it was proclaimed that, in addition to his former title +of F. U. D. G. E., he was now perferred* to be even M. O. R. E., and +that he was also raised to the dignity of an H. O. A. X., the very +highest honor to which any savant of Leaphigh could attain. [*sic] + +At length curiosity was appeased, and we we're permitted to descend +from the tribune; the company ceasing to attend to us, in order to pay +attention to each other. As I had time now to recollect myself, I +did not lose a moment in taking the two mates aside, to present a +proposition that we should go, in a body, before a notary, and enter +a protest against the unaccountable errors into which Dr. Reasono had +permitted himself to fall, whereby the truth was violated, the rights +of persons invaded, humanity dishonored, and the Leaphigh philosophy +misled. I cannot say that my arguments were well received; and I was +compelled to quit the two rear-admirals, and to go in quest of the crew, +with the conviction that the former had been purchased. An appeal to the +reckless, frank, loyal natures of the common seamen, I thought, +would not fail to meet with better success. Here, too, I was fated to +encounter disappointment. The men swore a few hearty oaths, and affirmed +that Leaphigh was a good country. They expected pay and rations, as a +matter of course, in proportion to their new rank; and having tasted the +sweets of command, they were not yet prepared to quarrel with their good +fortune, and to lay aside the silver tankard for the tar-pot. + +Quitting the rascals, whose heads really appeared to be turned by their +unexpected elevation, I determined to hunt up Bob, and by dint of Mr. +Poke's ordinary application, compel him, at least, in despite of the +union-jack, to return to a sense of his duty, and to reassume his old +post as the servitor of my wants. I found the little blackguard in +the midst of a bevy of monikinas of all ages, who were lavishing their +attentions on his worthless person, and otherwise doing all they could +to eradicate everything like humility, or any good quality that might +happen to remain in him. He certainly gave me a fair opportunity to +commence the attack, for he wore the union-jack over his shoulder, in +the manner of a royal mantle, while the females of inferior rank +pressed about him to kiss its hem! The air with which he received this +adulation, fairly imposed on even me; and fearful that the monikinas +might mob me, should I attempt to undeceive them--for monikinas, let +them be of what species they may, always hug a delusion--I abandoned my +hostile intentions for the moment, and hurried after Mr. Poke, little +doubting my ability of bringing one of his natural rectitude of mind to +a right way of thinking. + +The captain heard my remonstrances with a decent respect. He even seemed +to enter into my feelings with a proper degree of sympathy. He very +frankly admitted that I had not been well treated by Dr. Reasono, and he +appeared to think that a private conversation with that individual +might yet possibly have the effect of bringing him to a more reasonable +representation of facts. But, as to any sudden and violent appeal to +public opinion for justice, or an ill-advised recourse to a notary, he +strenuously objected to both. The purport of his remarks was somewhat as +follows:-- + +He was not acquainted with the Leaphigh law of protests, and, in +consequence, we might spend our money in paying fees, without reaping +any advantage; the Doctor, moreover, was a philosopher, an F. U. D. G. +E., and an H. O. A. X., and these were fearful odds to contend against +in any country, and more especially in a foreign country; he had an +innate dislike for lawsuits; the loss of my station was certainly a +grievance, but still it might be borne; as for himself, he never asked +for the office of lord high admiral of Great Britain, but as it had been +thrust upon him, why, he would do his best to sustain the character; he +knew his friends at Stunin'tun would be glad to hear of his promotion, +for, though in his country there were no lords, nor even any admirals, +his countrymen were always exceedingly rejoiced whenever any of +their fellow-citizens were preferred to those stations by anybody but +themselves, seeming to think an honor conferred on one, was an honor +conferred on the whole nation; he liked to confer honor on his own +nation, for no people on 'arth tuck up a notion of this sort and divided +it among themselves in a way to give each a share, sooner than the +people of the States, though they were very cautious about leaving any +portion of the credit in first hands, and therefore he was disposed to +keep as much as he could while it was in his power; he believed he was +a better seaman than most of the lord high admirals who had gone +before him, and he had no fears on that score; he wondered whether his +promotion made Miss Poke lady high admiral; as I seemed greatly put out +about my own rank, he would give me the acting appointment of a chaplain +(he didn't think I was qualified to be a sea-officer), and do doubt I +had interest enough at home to get it confirmed; a great statesman in +his country had said "that few die and none resigned," and he didn't +like to be the first to set new fashions; for his part, he rather looked +upon Dr. Reasono as his friend, and it was unpleasant to quarrel with +one's friends; he was willing to do anything in reason, but resign, and +if I could persuade the Doctor to say he had fallen into a mistake in +my particular case, and that I had been sent to Leaphigh as a lord high +ambassador, lord high priest, or lord high anything else, except lord +high admiral, why, he was ready to swear to it--though he now gave +notice, that in the event of such an arrangement, he should claim to +rank me in virtue of the date of his own commission; if he gave up his +appointment a minute sooner than was absolutely necessary, he should +lose his own self-respect, and never dare look Miss Poke in the face +again--on the whole, he should do no such thing; and, finally, he wished +me a good morning, as he was about to make a call on the lord high +admiral of Leaphigh. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. NEW LORDS, NEW LAWS--GYRATION, ROTATION, AND ANOTHER +NATION; ALSO AN INVITATION. + + +I felt that my situation had now become exceedingly peculiar. It is true +that my modesty had been unexpectedly spared, by the very ingenious turn +Dr. Reasono had given to the history of our connection with each +other; but I could not see that I had gained any other advantage by the +expedient. All my own species had, in a sense, cut me; and I was obliged +to turn despondingly, and not without humiliation, towards the inn, +where the banquet ordered by Mr. Poke waited our appearance. + +I had reached the great square, when a tap on the knee drew my attention +to one at my side. The applicant for notice was a monikin, who had all +the physical peculiarities of a subject of Leaphigh, and yet, who was +to be distinguished from most of the inhabitants of that country, by +a longer and less cultivated nap to his natural garment, greater +shrewdness about the expression of the eyes and the mouth, a general +air of business, and, for a novelty, a bob-cauda. He was accompanied by +positively the least well-favored being of the species I had yet seen. I +was addressed by the former. + +"Good morning, Sir John Goldencalf," he commenced, with a sort of jerk, +that I afterwards learned was meant for a diplomatic salutation; "you +have not met with the very best treatment to-day, and I have been +waiting for a good opportunity to make my condolences, and to offer my +services." + +"Sir, you are only too good. I do feel a little wronged, and, I must +say, sympathy is most grateful to my feelings. You will, however, allow +me to express my surprise at your being acquainted with my real name, as +well as with my misfortunes?" + +"Why, sir, to own the truth, I belong to an examining people. The +population is very much scattered in my country, and we have fallen into +a practice of inquiry that is very natural to such a state of things. I +think you must have observed that in passing along a common highway, you +rarely meet another without a nod; while thousands are met in a crowded +street without even a glance of the eye. We develop this principle, sir; +and never let any fact escape us for the want of a laudable curiosity." + +"You are not a subject of Leaphigh, then?" + +"God forbid! No, sir, I am a citizen of Leaplow, a great and a glorious +republic that lies three days' sail from this island; a new nation, +which is in the enjoyment of all the advantages of youth and vigor, +and which is a perfect miracle for the boldness of its conceptions, the +purity of its institutions, and its sacred respect for the rights of +monikins. I have the honor to be, moreover, the envoy-extraordinary +and minister-plenipotentiary of the republic to the king of Leaphigh, +a nation from which we originally sprung, but which we have left far +behind us in the race of glory and usefulness. I ought to acquaint you +with my name, sir, in return for the advantage I possess on this head, +in relation to yourself." + +Hereupon my new acquaintance put into my hand one of his visiting-cards, +which contained as follows:-- + +General-Commodore-Judge-Colonel PEOPLE'S FRIEND: + +Envoy-Extraordinary and Minister-Plenipotentiary from the Republic of +Leaplow, near his Majesty the King of Leaphigh. + +"Sir," said I, pulling off my hat with a profound reverence, "I was not +aware to whom I had the honor of speaking. You appear to fill a variety +of employments, and I make no doubt, with equal skill." + +"Yes, sir, I believe I am about as good at one of my professions as at +another." + +"You will permit me to observe, however, General--a--a Judge--a--a--I +scarcely know, dear sir, which of these titles is the most to your +taste?" + +"Use which you please, sir--I began with General, but had got as low as +Colonel before I left home. People's Friend is the only appellation of +which I am at all tenacious. Call me People's Friend, sir, and you may +call me anything else you find most convenient." + +"Sir, you are only too obliging. May I venture to ask if you have +really, propria persona, filled all these different stations in life?" + +"Certainly, sir--I hope you do not mistake me for an impostor!" + +"As far from it as possible.--But a judge and a commodore, for instance, +are characters whose duties are so utterly at variance in human affairs, +that I will allow I find the conjunction, even in a monikin, a little +extraordinary." + +"Not at all, sir. I was duly elected to each, served my time out in them +all, and have honorable discharges to show in every instance." + +"You must have found some perplexity in the performance of duties so +very different?" + +"Ah--I see you have been long enough in Leaphigh to imbibe some of its +prejudices! It is a sad country for prejudice. I got my foot mired in +some of them myself, as soon as it touched the land. Why sir, my card is +an illustration of what we call, in Leaplow, rotation in office." + +"Rotation in office!" + +"Yes, sir, rotation in office; a system that we invented for our +personal convenience, and which is likely to be firm, as it depends on +principles that are eternal." + +"Will you suffer me to inquire, colonel, if it has any affinity to the +social-stake system?" + +"Not in the least. That, as I understand it, is a stationary, while +this is a rotatory system. Nothing is simpler. We have in Leaplow two +enormous boxes made in the form of wheels. Into one we put the names of +the citizens, and into the other the names of the offices. We then +draw forth, in the manner of a lottery, and the thing is settled for a +twelvemonth." + +"I find this rotatory plan exceedingly simple--pray, sir, does it work +as well as it promises?" + +"To perfection.--We grease the wheels, of course, periodically." + +"And are not frauds sometimes committed by those who are selected to +draw the tickets?" + +"Oh! they are chosen precisely in the same way." + +"But those who draw THEIR tickets?" + +"All rotatory--they are drawn exactly on the same principle." + +"But there must be a beginning. Those, again, who draw THEIR +tickets--they may betray their trusts?" + +"Impossible--THEY are always the most patriotic patriots of the land! +No, no, sir--we are not such dunces as to leave anything to corruption. +Chance does it all. Chance makes me a commodore to-day--a judge +to-morrow. Chance makes the lottery boys, and chance makes the patriots. +It is necessary to see in order to understand how much purer and useful +is your chance patriot, for instance, than one that is bred to the +calling." + +"Why, this savors, after all, of the doctrine of descents, which is +little more than matter of chance." + +"It would be so, sir, I confess, were it not that our chances centre in +a system of patriots. Our approved patriots are our guarantees against +abuses--" + +"Hem!"--interrupted the companion of Commodore People's Friend, with an +awkward distinctness, as if to recall himself to our recollection. + +"Sir John, I crave pardon for great remissness--allow me to present my +fellow-citizen, Brigadier Downright, a gentleman who is on his travels, +like yourself; and as excellent a fellow as is to be found in the whole +monikin region." + +"Brigadier Downright, I crave the honor of your acquaintance.--But, +gentlemen, I too have been sadly negligent of politeness. A banquet that +has cost a hundred promises is waiting my appearance; and, as some of +the expected guests are unavoidably absent, if you would favor me with +your excellent society, we might spend an agreeable hour, in the further +discussion of these important interests." + +As neither of the strangers made the smallest objection to the +proposal, we were all soon comfortably situated at the dinner-table. The +commodore, who, it would seem, was habitually well fed, merely paid +a little complimentary attention to the banquet; but Mr. Downright +attacked it tooth and nail, and I had no great reason to regret the +absence of Mr. Poke. In the meantime, the conversation did not flag. + +"I think I understand the outline of your system, Judge People's +Friend," I resumed, "with the exception of the part that relates to the +patriots. Would it be asking too much to request a little explanation on +that particular point?" + +"Not in the least, sir. Our social arrangement is founded on a hint from +nature; a base, as you will concede, that is broad enough to sustain +a universe. As a people, we are a hive that formerly swarmed from +Leaphigh; and finding ourselves free and independent, we set about +forthwith building the social system on not only a sure foundation, +but on sure principles. Observing that nature dealt in duplicates, we +pursued the hint, as the leading idea--" + +"In duplicates, commodore!" + +"Certainly, Sir John--a monikin has two eyes two ears, two nostrils, two +lungs, two arms, two hands, two legs, two feet, and so on to the end +of the chapter. On this hint, we ordered that there should be drawn, +morally, in every district of Leaplow, two distinct and separate lines, +that should run at right angles to each other. These were termed the +'political landmarks' of the country; and it was expected that every +citizen should range himself along one or the other. All this you will +understand, however, was a moral contrivance, not a physical one." + +"Is the obligation of this moral contrivance imperative?" + +"Not legally, it is true; but then, he who does not respect it is like +one who is out of fashion, and he is so generally esteemed a poor devil, +that the usage has a good deal more than the force of a law. At first, +it was intended to make it a part of the constitution; but one of our +most experienced statesmen so clearly demonstrated that, by so doing, we +should not only weaken the nature of the obligation, but most probably +raise a party against it, that the idea was abandoned. Indeed, if +anything, both the letter and the spirit of the fundamental law have +been made to lean a little against the practice; but having been +cleverly introduced, in the way of construction, it is now bone of +our bone, and flesh of our flesh. Well, sir, these two great political +landmarks being fairly drawn, the first effort of one who aspires to +be thought a patriot is to acquire the practice of 'toeing the mark' +promptly and with facility. But should I illustrate my positions by a +few experiments, you might comprehend the subject all the better.--For +though, in fact, the true evolutions are purely moral, as I have just +had the honor to explain, yet we have instituted a physical parallel +that is very congenial to our habits, with which the neophyte always +commences." + +Here the commodore took a bit of chalk and drew two very distinct lines, +crossing each other at right angles, through the centre of the room. +When this was done, he placed his feet together, and then he invited me +to examine if it were possible to see any part of the planks between +the extremities of his toes and the lines. After a rigid look, I was +compelled to confess it was not. + +"This is what we call 'toeing the mark'; it is social position, No. 1. +Almost every citizen gets to be expert in practising it, on one or the +other of the two great political lines. After this, he who would +push his fortunes further, commences his career on the great rotatory +principle." + +"Your pardon, commodore, we call the word rotary, in English." + +"Sir, it is not expressive enough for our meaning; and therefore we term +it 'rotatory.' I shall now give you an example of position No. 2." + +Here the commodore made a spring, throwing his body, as a soldier would +express it, to the "right about," bringing, at the same time, his feet +entirely on the other side of the line; always rigidly toeing the mark. + +"Sir," said I, "this was extremely well done; but is this evolution as +useful as certainly it is dexterous?" + +"It has the advantage of changing front, Sir John; a manoeuvre quite as +useful in politics as in war. Most all in the line get to practise +this, too, as my friend Downright, there, could show you, were he so +disposed." + +"I don't like to expose my flanks, or my rear, more than another," +growled the brigadier. + +"If agreeable, I will now show you gyration 2d, or position No. 3." + +On my expressing a strong desire to see it, the commodore put himself +again in position No. 1; and then he threw what Captain Poke was in the +habit of calling a "flap-jack," or a summerset; coming down in a way +tenaciously to toe the mark. + +I was much gratified with the dexterity of the commodore, and frankly +expressed as much; inquiring, at the same time, if many attained to +the same skill. Both the commodore and the brigadier laughed at the +simplicity of the question; the former answering that the people of +Leaplow were exceedingly active and adventurous, and both lines had got +to be so expert, that, at the word of command, they would throw their +summersets in as exact time, and quite as promptly, as a regiment of +guards would go through the evolution of slapping their cartridge-boxes. + +"What, sir," I exclaimed, in admiration, "the entire population!" + +"Virtually, sir. There is, now and then, a stumbler; but he is instantly +kicked out of sight, and uniformly counts for nothing." + +"But as yet, commodore, your evolutions are altogether too general to +admit of the chance selection of patriots, since patriotism is usually a +monopoly." + +"Very true, Sir John; I shall therefore come to the main point without +delay. Thus far, it is pretty much an affair of the whole population, +as you say; few refusing to toe the mark, or to throw the necessary +flap-jacks, as you have ingeniously termed them. The lines, as you may +perceive, cross each other at right angles; and there is consequently +some crowding, and occasionally, a good deal of jostling, at and near +the point of junction. We begin to term a monikin a patriot when he can +perform this evolution." + +Here the commodore threw his heels into the air with such rapidity that +I could not very well tell what he was about, though it was sufficiently +apparent that he was acting entirely on the rotatory principle. I +observed that he alighted, with singular accuracy, on the very spot +where he had stood before, toeing the mark with beautiful precision. + +"That is what we call gyration 3d, or position No. 4. He who can execute +it is considered an adept in our politics; and he invariably takes his +position near the enemy, or at the junction of the hostile lines." + +"How, sir, are these lines, then, manned as they are with citizens of +the same country, deemed hostile?" + +"Are cats and dogs hostile, sir?--Certainly. Although standing, as it +might be, face to face, acting on precisely the same principle, or the +rotatory impulse, and professing to have exactly the same object in +view, viz., the common good, they are social, political, and I might +almost say, the moral antipodes of each other. They rarely intermarry, +never extol, and frequently refuse to speak to one another. In short, +as the brigadier could tell you, if he were so disposed, they are +antagonist, body and soul. To be plain, sir, they are enemies." + +"This is very extraordinary for fellow-citizens!" + +"'Tis the monikin nature," observed Mr. Downright; "no doubt, sir, men +are much wiser?" + +As I did not wish to divert the discourse from the present topic, I +merely bowed to this remark, and begged the judge to proceed. + +"Well, sir," continued the latter, "you can easily imagine that they who +are placed near the point where the two lines meet, have no sinecures. +To speak the truth, they blackguard each other with all their abilities, +he who manifests the most inventive genius in this high accomplishment, +being commonly thought the cleverest fellow. Now, sir, none but a +patriot could, in the nature of things, endure this without some other +motive than his country's good, and so we esteem them." + +"But the most patriotic patriots, commodore?" + +The minister of Leaphigh now toed the mark again, placing himself within +a few feet of the point of junction between the two lines, and then he +begged me to pay particular attention to his evolution. When all was +ready, the commodore threw himself, as it were, invisibly into the air, +again head over heels, so far as I could discover, and alighted on the +antagonist line, toeing the mark with a most astonishing particularity. +It was a clever gyration, beyond a doubt; and the performer looked +towards me, as if inviting commendation. + +"Admirably executed, judge, and in a way to induce one to believe that +you must have paid great attention to the practice." + +"I have performed this manoeuvre, Sir John, five times in real life; and +my claim to be a patriotic patriot is founded on its invariable success. +A single false step might have ruined me; but as you say, practice makes +perfect, and perfection is the parent of success." + +"And yet I do not rightly understand how so sudden a desertion of one's +own side, to go over in this active manner head over heels, I may +say, to another side, constitutes a fair claim to be deemed so pure a +character as that of a patriot." + +"What, sir, is not he who throws himself defencelessly into the very +middle of the ranks of the enemy, the hero of the combat? Now, as this +is a political struggle, and not a warlike struggle, but one in which +the good of the country is alone uppermost, the monikin who thus +manifests the greatest devotion to the cause, must be the purest +patriot. I give you my honor, sir, all my own claims are founded +entirely on this particular merit." + +"He is right, Sir John; you may believe every word he says," observed +the brigadier, nodding. + +"I begin to understand your system, which is certainly well adapted +to the monikin habits, and must give rise to a noble emulation in +the practice of the rotatory principle. But I understood you to say, +colonel, that the people of Leaplow are from the hive of Leaphigh?" + +"Just so, sir." + +"How happens it, then, that you dock yourselves of the nobler member, +while the inhabitants of this country cherish it as the apple of the +eye--nay, as the seat of reason itself?" + +"You allude to our tails?--Why, sir, nature has dealt out these +ornaments with a very unequal hand, as you may perceive on looking out +of the window. We agree that the tail is the seat of reason, and that +the extremities are the most intellectual parts; but, as governments +are framed to equalize these natural inequalities, we denounce them as +anti-republican. The law requires, therefore, that every citizen, on +attaining his majority, shall be docked agreeably to a standard measure +that is kept in each district. Without some such expedient, there might +be an aristocracy of intellect among us, and there would be an end of +our liberties. This is the qualification of a voter, too, and of course +we all seek to obtain it." + +Here the brigadier leaned across the table and whispered that a +great patriot, on a most trying occasion, had succeeded in throwing +a summerset out of his own into the antagonist line, and that, as he +carried with him all the sacred principles for which his party had been +furiously contending for many years, he had been unceremoniously dragged +back by his tail, which unfortunately came within reach of those quondam +friends on whom he had turned his back; and that the law had, in truth, +been passed in the interests of the patriots. He added, that the lawful +measure allowed a longer stump than was commonly used; but that it was +considered underbred for any one to wear a dock that reached more than +two inches and three quarters of an inch into society, and that most of +their political aspirants, in particular, chose to limit themselves to +one inch and one quarter of an inch, as a proof of excessive humility. + +Thanking Mr. Downright for his clear and sensible explanation, the +conversation was resumed. + +"I had thought, as your institutions are founded on reason and nature, +judge," I continued, "that you would be more disposed ta cultivate +this member than to mutilate it; and this the more especially, as +I understand all monikins believe it to be the very quintessence of +reason." + +"No doubt, sir; we do cultivate our tails, but it is on the vegetable +principle, or as the skilful gardener lops the branch that it may throw +out more vigorous shoots. It is true, we do not expect to see the tail +itself sprouting out anew; but then we look to the increase of its +reason, and to its more general diffusion in society. The extremities of +our cauda, as fast as they are lopped, are sent to a great intellectual +mill, where the mind is extracted from the matter, and the former is +sold, on public account, to the editors of the daily journals. This +is the reason our Leaplow journalists are so distinguished for their +ingenuity and capacity, and the reason, too, why they so faithfully +represent the average of the Leaplow knowledge." + +"And honesty, you ought to add," growled the brigadier. + +"I see the beauty of the system, judge, and very beautiful it is! This +essence of lopped tails represents the average of Leaplow brains, being +a compound of all the tails in the country; and, as a daily journal is +addressed to the average intellect of the community, there is a singular +fitness between the readers and the readees. To complete my stock of +information on this head, however, will you just allow me to +inquire what is the effect of this system on the totality of Leaplow +intelligence?" + +"Wonderful! As we are a commonwealth, it is necessary to have a unity +of sentiment on all leading matters, and by thus compounding all the +extremes of our reasons we get what is called 'public opinion'; which +public opinion is uttered through the public journals--" + +"And a most patriotic patriot is always chosen to be the inspector of +the mill," interrupted the brigadier. + +"Better and better! you send all the finer parts of your several +intellects to be ground up and kneaded together; the compound is sold to +the journalists, who utter it anew, as the results of the united wisdom +of the country--" + +"Or, as public opinion. We make great account of reason in all our +affairs, invariably calling ourselves the most enlightened nation on +earth; but then we are especially averse to anything like an insulated +effort of the mind, which is offensive, anti-republican, aristocratic +and dangerous. We put all our trust in this representation of brains, +which is singularly in accordance with the fundamental base of our +society, as you must perceive." + +"We are a commercial people, too," put in the brigadier; "and being much +accustomed to the laws of insurance, we like to deal in averages." + +"Very true, brother Downright, very true; we are particularly averse to +anything like inequality. Ods zooks! it is almost as great an offence +for a monikin to know more than his neighbors, as it is for him to act +on his own impulses. No--no--we are truly a free and an independent +commonwealth, and we hold every citizen as amenable to public opinion, +in all he does, says, thinks, or wishes." + +"Pray, sir, do both of the two great political lines send their tails to +the same mills, and respect the same general sentiments?" + +"No, sir; we have two public opinions in Leaplow." + +"TWO public opinions!" + +"Certainly, sir; the horizontal and the perpendicular." + +"This infers a most extraordinary fertility of thought, and one that I +hold to be almost impossible!" + +Here the commodore and the brigadier incontinently both laughed as hard +as they could; and that, too, directly in my face. + +"Dear me, Sir John--why, my dear Sir John! you are really the drollest +creature!"--gasped the judge, holding his sides--"the very funniest +question I have ev--ev--ever encountered!" He now stopped to wipe his +eyes; after which he was better able to express himself. "The same +public opinion, forsooth!--Dear me--dear me, that I should not have made +myself understood!--I commenced, my good Sir John, by telling you that +we deal in duplicates, on a hint from nature; and that we act on the +rotatory principle. In obedience to the first, we have always two public +opinions; and, although the great political landmarks are drawn in what +may be called a stationary sense, they, too, are in truth rotatory. +One, which is thought to lie parallel to the fundamental law, or the +constitutional meridian of the country, is termed the horizontal, and +the other the perpendicular line. Now, as nothing is really stationary +in Leaplow, these two great landmarks are always acting, likewise, on +the rotatory principle, changing places periodically; the perpendicular +becoming the horizontal, and vice versa; they who toe their respective +marks, necessarily taking new views of things as they vary the line of +sight. These great revolutions are, however, very slow, and are quite as +imperceptible to those who accompany them, as are the revolutions of our +planet to its inhabitants." + +"And the gyrations of the patriots, of which the judge has just now +spoken," added the brigadier, "are much the same as the eccentric +movements of the comets that embellish the solar system, without +deranging it by their uncertain courses." + +"No, sir, we should be poorly off, indeed, if we had but ONE public +opinion," resumed the judge. "Ecod, I do not know what would become of +the most patriotic patriots in such a dilemma!" + +"Pray, sir, let me ask, as you draw for places, if you have as many +places as there are citizens?" + +"Certainly, sir. Our places are divided, firstly, into the two great +subdivisions of the 'inner' and the 'outer.' Those who toe the mark on +the most popular line occupy the former, and those who toe the mark on +the least popular line take all the rest, as a matter of course. The +first, however, it is necessary to explain, are the only places worth +having. As great care is had to keep the community pretty nearly equally +divided--" + +"Excuse the interruption--but in what manner is this effected?" + +"Why, as only a certain number can toe the mark, we count all those who +are not successful in getting up to the line, as outcasts; and, after +fruitlessly hanging about our skirts for a time, they invariably go +over to the other line; since it is better to be first in a village than +second in Rome. We thus keep up something like an equilibrium in the +state, which, as you must know, is necessary to liberty. The minority +take the outer places, and all the inner are left to the majority. Then +comes another subdivision of the places; that is to say, one division +is formed of the honorary, and another of the profitable places. The +honorary, or about nine-tenths of all the inner places, are divided, +with great impartiality, among the mass of those who have toed the mark +on the strongest side, and who usually are satisfied with the glory of +the victory. The names of the remainder are put into the wheels to be +drawn for against the prizes, on the rotatory principle." + +"And the patriots, sir;--are they included in this chance medley?" + +"Far from it. As a reward for their dangers, they have a little wheel to +themselves, although they, also, are compelled to submit to the rotatory +principle. Their cases differ from those of the others, merely in the +fact that they always get something." + +I would gladly have pursued the conversation, which was opening a flood +of light upon my political understanding; but just then, a fellow with +the air of a footman entered, carrying a packet tied to the end of his +cauda. Turning round, he presented his burden, with profound respect, +and withdrew. I found that the packet contained three notes with the +following addresses: + +"To His Royal Highness Bob, Prince of Wales, etc., etc., etc." + +"To My Lord High Admiral Poke, etc., etc., etc." + +"To Master Goldencalf, Clerk, etc., etc., etc." + +Apologizing to my guests, the seal of my own note was eagerly opened. It +read as follows: + +"The Right Honorable the Earl of Chatterino, lord of the bed-chamber in +waiting on his majesty, informs Master John Goldencalf, clerk, that he +is commanded to attend the drawing-room, this evening, when the nuptial +ceremony will take place between the Earl of Chatterino and the Lady +Chatterissa, the first maid of honor to Her Majesty the Queen. + +"N. B. The gentlemen will appear full dress." + +On explaining the contents of my note to the judge, he informed me that +he was aware of the approaching ceremony, as he had also an invitation +to be present, in his official character. I begged, as a particular +favor, England having no representative at Leaphigh, that he would do +me the honor to present me, in his capacity of a foreign minister. +The envoy made no sort of objection, and I inquired as to the costume +necessary to be observed; as, so far as I had seen, it was good-breeding +at Leaphigh to go naked. The envoy had the goodness to explain, that, +although, in point of mere attire, clothing was extremely offensive to +the people of both Leaphigh and Leaplow, yet, in the former country, no +one could present himself at court, foreign ministers excepted, without +a cauda. As soon as we understood each other on these points, we +separated, with an understanding that I was to be in readiness (together +with my companions, of whose interest I had not been forgetful) to +attend the envoy and the brigadier, when they should call for me, at an +hour that was named. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. A COURT, A COURT-DRESS, AND A COURTIER--JUSTICE IN +VARIOUS ASPECTS, AS WELL AS HONOR. + + +My guests were no sooner gone, than I sent for the landlady, to inquire +if any court-dresses were to be had in the neighborhood. She told +me plenty might certainly be had, that were suited to the monikin +dimensions, but she much doubted whether there was a tail in all +Leaphigh, natural or artificial, that was at all fit for a person of my +stature. This was vexatious; and I was in a brown study, calling up all +my resources for the occasion, when Mr. Poke entered the inn, carrying +in his hand two as formidable ox-tails as I remember ever to have seen. +Throwing one towards me, he said the lord high admiral of Leaphigh +had acquainted him that there was an invitation out for the prince and +himself, as well as for the governor of the former, to be present at +court within an hour. He had hurried off from what he called a very +good dinner, considering there was nothing solid (the captain was +particularly fond of pickled pork), to let me know the honor that was +intended us; and on the way home, he had fallen in with Dr. Reasono, +who, on being acquainted with his errand, had not failed to point out +the necessity of the whole party coming en habit de cour. Here was a +dilemma, with a vengeance; for the first idea that struck the captain +was, "the utter impossibility of finding anything in this way, in all +Leaphigh, befitting a lord high admiral of his length of keel; for, +as to going in an ordinary monikin queue, why, he should look like a +three-decked ship, with a brig's spar stepped for a lower mast!" Dr. +Reasono, however, had kindly removed the embarrassment, by conducting +him to the cabinet of natural history, where three suitable appendages +had been found, viz., two fine relics of oxen, [Footnote: Cauda +Bovum.--BUF.] and another, a capital specimen, that had formerly been +the mental lever, or, as the captain expressed it, "the steering oar" +of a kangaroo. The latter had been sent off, express, with a kind +consideration for the honor of Great Britain, to Prince Bob, who was at +a villa of one of the royal family, in the neighborhood of Aggregation. + +I was greatly indebted to Noah, for his dexterity in helping me to a +good fit with my court-dress. There was not time for much particularity, +for we were in momentary expectation of Judge People's Friend's return. +All we could do, therefore, was to make a belt of canvas (the captain +being always provided with needles, palm, etc., in his bag), and to +introduce the smaller end of the tail through a hole in the belt, +drawing its base tight up to the cloth, which, in its turn, was stitched +round our bodies. This was but an indifferent substitute for the natural +appendage, it is true; and the hide had got to be so dry and unyielding, +that it was impossible for the least observant person to imagine +there was a particle of brains in it. The arrangement had also another +disadvantage. The cauda stuck out nearly at right angles with the +position of the body, and besides occupying much more space than would +probably be permitted in the royal presence, "it gave any jackanapes," +as Noah observed, "the great advantage over us, of making us yaw at +pleasure, since he might use the outriggers as levers." But a seaman is +inexhaustible in expedients. Two "back-stays," or "bob-stays" (for the +captain facetiously gave them both appellations) were soon "turned in," +and the tails were "stayed in, in a way to bring them as upright as +trysail masts"; to which spars, indeed, according to Noah's account of +the matter, they bore no small resemblance. + +The envoy-extraordinary of Leaplow, accompanied by his friend, Brigadier +Downright, arrived just as we were dressed; and a most extraordinary +figure the former cut, if truth must be said. Although obliged to be +docked, according to the Leaplow law, to six inches, and brought down to +a real bob, by both the public opinions of his country, for this was one +of the few points on which these antagonist sentiments were perfectly +agreed, he now appeared in just the largest brush I remember to have +seen appended to a monikin! I felt a strong inclination to joke the +rotatory republican on this coquetry; but then I remembered how sweet +any stolen indulgence becomes; and, for the life of me, I could not give +utterance to a bon-mot. The elegance of the minister was rendered the +more conspicuous by the simplicity of the brigadier, who had contrived +to moustache his dock, a very short one at the best, in such a manner as +to render it nearly invisible. On my expressing a doubt to Mr. Downright +about his being admitted in such a costume, he snapped his fingers, +and gave me to understand he knew better. He appeared as a brigadier of +Leaplow (I found afterwards that he was in truth no soldier, but that +it was a fashion among his countrymen to travel under the title of +brigadier), and this was his uniform; and he should like to see the +chamberlain who would presume to call in question the state of his +wardrobe! As it was no affair of mine, I prudently dropped the subject, +and we were soon in the court of the palace. + +I shall pass over the parade of guards, the state bands, the +sergeant-trumpeters, the crowd of footmen and pages, and conduct the +reader at once to the ante-chamber. Here we found the usual throng +composed of those who live in the smiles of princes. There was a great +deal of politeness, much bowing and curtseying, and the customary amount +of genteel empressement to be the first to bask in the sunshine of +royalty. Judge People's Friend, in his character of a foreign minister, +was privileged; and we had enjoyed the private entree, and were now, of +right, placed nearest to the great doors of the royal apartments. Most +of the diplomatic corps were already in attendance, and, quite as a +matter of course, there were a great many cordial manifestations, of +the ardent attachment that bound them and their masters together, in +the inviolable bonds of a most sacred amity. Judge People's Friend, +according to his own account of the matter, represented a great +nation--a very great nation--and yet I did not perceive that he met with +a warm--a very warm--reception. However, as he seemed satisfied with +himself, and all around him, it would have been unkind, not to say rude, +in a stranger to disturb his self-esteem; and I took especial care, +therefore, not to betray, by the slightest hint, my opinion that a +good many near his person seemed to think him and his artificial queue +somewhat in the way. The courtiers of Leaphigh, in particular, who are +an exceedingly exclusive and fastidious corps, appeared to regard +the privileges of the judge with an evil eye; and one or two of them +actually held their noses as he flourished his brush a little too near +their sacred faces, as if they found its odor out of fashion. While +making these silent observations, a page cried out from the lower part +of the saloon, "Room for His Royal Highness the Crown Prince of Great +Britain!" The crowd opened, and that young blackguard Bob walked up +the avenue, in state. He wore the turnspit garment as the base of his +toilet; but the superstructure was altogether more in keeping with the +rascal's assumed character. The union-jack was thrown over his shoulder +in the fashion of a mantle, and it was supported by the cook and steward +of the Walrus (two blacks), both clothed as alligators. The kangaroo's +tail was rigged in a way to excite audible evidences of envy in the +heart of Mr. Poke. The stepping of it, the captain whispered, "did the +young dog great credit, for it looked as natural as the best wig he had +ever seen; and then, in addition to the bob-stay, it had two guys, which +acted like the yoke-lines of a boat, or in such a way, that by holding +one in each hand, the brush could be worked 'starboard and larboard' +like a rudder." I have taken this description mainly from the mouth of +the captain, and most sincerely do I hope it may be intelligible to the +reader. + +Bob appeared to be conscious of his advantages; for, on reaching the +upper end of the room, he began whisking his tail, and flourishing it +to the right and left, so as to excite a very perceptible and lively +admiration in the mind of Judge People's Friend--an effect that so much +the more proved the wearer's address, for that high functionary was +bound ex officio to entertain a sovereign contempt for all courtly +vanities. I saw the eye of the captain kindle, however, and when the +insolent young coxcomb actually had the temerity to turn his back on his +master, and to work his brush under his very nose, human nature could +endure no more. The right leg of my lord high admiral slowly retired, +with somewhat of the caution of the cat about to spring, and then it +was projected forward, with a rapidity that absolutely lifted the crown +prince from the floor. + +The royal self-possession of Bob could not prevent an exclamation of +pain, as well as of surprise, and some of the courtiers ran forward +involuntarily to aid him--for courtiers always ran involuntarily to +the succor of princes. At least a dozen of the ladies offered their +smelling-bottles, with the most amiable assiduity and concern. To +prevent any disagreeable consequences, however, I hastened to acquaint +the crowd that in Great Britain, it is the usage to cuff and kick the +whole royal family; and that, in short, it is no more than the customary +tribute of the subject to the prince. In proof of what I said, I took +good care to give the saucy young scoundrel a touch of my own homage. +The monikins, who know that different customs prevail in different +nations, hastened to compliment the young scion of royalty in the same +manner; and both the cook and steward relieved their ennui by falling +into the track of imitation. Bob could not stand the last applications; +and he was about to beat a retreat, when the master of ceremonies +appeared, to conduct him to the royal presence. + +The reader is not to be misled by the honors that were paid to the +imaginary crown prince, and to suppose that the court of Leaphigh +entertained any peculiar respect for that of Great Britain. It was +merely done on the principle that governed the conduct of our own +learned sovereign, King James I., when he refused to see the +amiable Pocahontas of Virginia, because she had degraded royalty by +intermarrying with a subject. The respect was paid to the caste, and not +to the individual, to his species, or to his nation. + +Let his privileges come from what cause they would, Bob was glad enough +to get out of the presence of Captain Poke--who had already pretty +plainly threatened, in the Stunin'tun dialect, to unship his cauda--into +that of the majesty of Leaphigh. A few minutes afterwards, the doors +were thrown open, and the whole company advanced into the royal +apartments. + +The etiquette of the court of Leaphigh differs in many essential +particulars from the etiquette of any other court in the monikin region. +Neither the king, nor his royal consort, is ever visible to any one in +the country, so far as is vulgarly known. On the present occasion, +two thrones were placed at opposite extremities of the salon, and a +magnificent crimson damask curtain was so closely drawn before each, +that it was quite impossible to see who occupied it. On the lowest step +there stood a chamberlain or a lady of the bed-chamber, who, severally, +made all the speeches, and otherwise enacted the parts of the +illustrious couple. The reader will understand, therefore, that all +which is here attributed to either of these great personages, was in +fact performed by one or the other of the substitutes named, and that +I never had the honor of actually standing face to face with their +majesties. Everything that is now about to be related, in short, was +actually done by deputy, on the part of the monarch and his wife. + +The king himself merely represents a sentiment, all the power belonging +to his eldest first cousin of the masculine gender, and any intercourse +with him is entirely of a disinterested or of a sentimental +character. He is the head of the church--after a very secular fashion, +however;--all the bishops and clergy therefore got down on their knees +and said their prayers; though the captain suggested that it might be +their catechisms; I never knew which. I observed, also, that all his +law officers did the same thing; but as THEY never pray, and do not +know their catechisms, I presume the genuflections were to beg something +better than the places they actually filled. After this, came a long +train of military and naval officers, who, soldier-like, kissed his +paw. The civilians next had a chance, and then it was our turn to be +presented. + +"I have the honor to present the lord high admiral of Great Britain to +your majesty," said Judge People's Friend, who had waived his official +privilege of going first, in order to do us this favor in person; it +having been decided, on a review of all the principles that touched the +case, that nothing human could take precedence of a monikin at court, +always making the exception in favor of royalty, as in the case of +Prince Bob. + +"I am happy to see you at my court, Admiral Poke," the king politely +rejoined, manifesting the tact of high rank in recognizing Noah by his +family name, to the great surprise of the old sealer. + +"King!" + +"You were about to remark?--" most graciously inquired his majesty, a +little at a loss to understand what his visitor would be at. + +"Why, I could not contain my astonishment at your memory, Mr. King, +which has enabled you to recall a name that you probably never before +heard!" + +There was now a great, and to me, a very unaccountable confusion in the +circle. It would seem, that the captain had unwittingly trespassed on +two of the most important of the rules of etiquette, in very mortal +points. He had confessed to the admission of an emotion as vulgar as +that of astonishment in the royal presence, and he had intimated that +his majesty had a memory; a property of the mind which, as it might +prove dangerous to the liberties of Leaphigh, were it left in the +keeping of any but a responsible minister, it had long been decided it +was felony to impute to the king. By the fundamental law of the land, +the king's eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender, may have as many +memories as he please, and he may use them, or abuse them, as he shall +see fit, either in private or in the public service; but it is held to +be utterly unconstitutional and unparliamentary, and, by consequence, +extremely underbred, to insinuate, even in the most remote manner, +that the king himself has either a memory, a will, a determination, a +resolution, a desire, a conceit, an intention, or, in short, any other +intellectual property, that of a "royal pleasure" alone excepted. It +is both constitutional and parliamentary to say the king has a "royal +pleasure" provided the context goes to prove that this "royal pleasure" +is entirely at the disposition of his eldest first-cousin of the +masculine gender. + +When Mr. Poke was made acquainted with his mistake, he discovered a +proper contrition; and the final decision of the affair was postponed, +in order to have the opinion of the judges on the propriety of taking +bail, which I promptly offered to put in, in behalf of my old shipmate. +This disagreeable little interruption temporarily disposed of, the +business of the drawing-room went on. + +Noah was next conducted to the queen, who was much inclined (always by +deputy) to overlook the little mistake into which he had fallen with her +royal consort, and to receive him graciously. + +"May it please your majesty, I have the honor to present to your +majesty's royal notice the Lord Noah Poke, the lord high admiral of a +distant and but little known country, called Great Britain," said +the gold stick of the evening--Judge People's Friend being afraid of +committing Leaplow, and declining to introduce the captain to any one +else. + +"Lord Poke is a countryman of our royal cousin, the Prince Bob!" +observed the queen, in an exceedingly gracious manner. + +"No, marm," put in the sealer, promptly, "your cousin Bob is no cousin +of mine; and if it were lawful for your majesty to have a memory, or an +inclination, or anything else in that way, I should beg the favor of you +to order the young blackguard to be soundly threshed." + +The majesty of Leaphigh stood aghast, by proxy! It would seem Noah had +now actually fallen into a more serious error than the mistake he had +made with the king. By the law of Leaphigh, the queen is not a feme +couverte. She can sue and be sued in her own name, holds her separate +estate, without the intervention of trustees, and IS supposed to have a +memory, a will, an inclination, or anything else in that way, except a +"royal pleasure," to which she cannot, of right, lay claim. As to her, +the king's first-cousin is a dead letter; he having no more control over +her conscience than he has over the conscience of an apple-woman. In +short, her majesty is quite as much the mistress of her own convictions +and conscience as it probably ever falls to the lot of women in such +high stations to be the mistress of interests that are of so much +importance to those around them. Noah, innocently enough, I do firmly +believe, had seriously wounded all those nice sensibilities which +are naturally dependent on such an improved condition of society. +Forbearance could go no further, and I saw, by the dark looks around +me, that the captain had committed a serious crime. He was immediately +arrested, and conducted from the presence to an adjoining room, into +which I obtained admission, after a good deal of solicitation and +some very strong appeals to the sacred character of the rights of +hospitality. + +It now appeared that, in Leaphigh, the merits of a law are decided on a +principle very similar to the one we employ in England in judging of the +quality of our wines, viz., its age. The older a law, the more it is to +be respected, no doubt because, having proved its fitness by outlasting +all the changes of society, it has become more mellow, if not more +palatable. Now, by a law of Leaphigh that is coeval with the monarchy, +he who offends the queen's majesty at a levee is to lose his head; +and he who, under the same circumstances, offends the king's majesty, +necessarily the more heinous offence, is to lose his tail. In +consequence of the former punishment, the criminal is invariably buried, +and he is consigned to the usual course of monikin regeneration and +resuscitation; but in consequence of the latter, it is thought that +he is completely thrown without the pale of reason, and is thereby +consigned to the class of the retrogressive animals. His mind +diminishes, and his body increases; the brain, for want of the means +of development, takes the ascending movement of sap again; his forehead +dilates; bumps reappear; and, finally, after passing gradually downwards +in the scale of intellect, he becomes a mass of insensible matter. Such, +at least, is the theory of his punishment. + +By another law, that is even older than the monarchy, any one who +offends in the king's palace may be tried by a very summary process, the +king's pages acting as his judges; in which case the sentence is to be +executed without delay. + +Such was the dilemma to which Noah, by an indiscretion at court, was +suddenly reduced; and, but for my prompt interference, he would probably +have been simultaneously decapitated at both extremities, in obedience +to an etiquette which prescribes that, under the circumstances of a +court trial, neither the king's nor the queen's rights shall be entitled +to precedence. In defence of my client I urged his ignorance of the +usages of the country, and, indeed, of all other civilized countries, +Stunnin'tun alone excepted. I stated that the criminal was an object +altogether unworthy of their notice; that he was not a lord high admiral +at all, but a mere pitiful sealer; I laid some stress on the importance +of maintaining friendly relations with the sealers, who cruise so near +the monikin region; I tried to convince the judges that Noah meant no +harm in imputing moral properties to the king, and that so long as he +did not impute immoral properties to his royal consort, she might very +well afford to pardon him. I then quoted Shakspeare's celebrated lines +on mercy, which seemed to be well enough received, and committed the +whole affair to their better judgment. + +I should have got along very creditably, and most probably obtained +the immediate discharge of my friend, had not the attorney-general of +Leaphigh been drawn by curiosity into the room. Although he had nothing +to say to the merits of my arguments, he objected to every one of them, +on the ground of formality. This was too long, and that was too short; +one was too high, and another too low; a fifth was too broad, and a +sixth too narrow; in short, there was no figure of speech of this nature +to which he did not resort, in order to prove their worthlessness, with +the exception that I do not remember he charged any of my reasons with +being too deep. + +Matters were now beginning to look serious for poor Noah, when a page +came skipping in to say that the wedding was about to take place, +and that if his comrades wished to witness it, they must sentence the +prisoner without delay. Many a man, it is said, has been hanged, in +order that the judge might dine; but, in the present instance, I do +believe Captain Poke was spared, in order that his judges might not +miss a fine spectacle. I entered into recognizance, in fifty thousand +promises, for the due appearance of the criminal on the following +morning; and we all returned, in a body, to the presence-chamber, +treading on each other's tails, in the eagerness to be foremost. + +Any one who has ever been at a human court, must very well know that, +while it is the easiest thing in the world to throw it into commotion by +a violation of etiquette, matters of mere life and death are not at all +of a nature to disturb its tranquillity. There, everything is a matter +of routine and propriety; and, to judge from experience, nothing is so +unseemly as to appear to possess human sympathies. The fact is not very +different at Leaphigh, for the monikin sympathies, apparently, are quite +as obtuse as those of men; although justice compels me to allow, that in +the case of Captain Poke, the appeal was made in behalf of a creature +of a different species. It is also a settled principle of Leaphigh +jurisprudence, that it would be monstrous for the king to interfere in +behalf of justice-justice, however, being always administered in his +name; although it certainly is not held to be quite so improper for him +to interfere in behalf of those who have offended justice. + +As a consequence of these nice distinctions, which it requires a very +advanced stage of civilization fully to comprehend, both the king and +queen received our whole party, when we came back into the presence, +exactly as if nothing particular had occurred. Noah wore both head and +tail erect, like another; and the lord high admiral of Leaphigh dropped +into a familiar conversation with him, on the subject of ballasting +ships, in just as friendly a manner as if he were on the best possible +terms with the whole royal family. This moral sang froid is not to +be ascribed to phlegm, but is, in fact, the result of high mental +discipline, which causes the courtier to be utterly destitute of all +feeling, except in cases that affect himself. + +It was high time now that I should be presented. Judge People's Friend, +who had witnessed the dilemma of Noah with diplomatic unconcern, very +politely renewed the offer of his services in my favor, and I went +forward and stood before the throne. + +"Sire, allow me to present a very eminent literary character among men, +a cunning clerk, by name Goldencalf," said the envoy, bowing to his +majesty. + +"He is welcome to my court," returned the king by proxy. + +"Pray, Mr. People's Friend, is not this one of the human beings who have +lately arrived in my dominions, and who have shown so much cleverness in +getting Chatterino and his governor through the ice?" + +"The very same, please your majesty; and a very arduous service it was, +and right cleverly performed." + +"This reminds me of a duty.--Let my cousin be summoned." + +I now began to see a ray of hope, and to feel the truth of the saying +which teaches us that justice, though sometimes slow, never fails to +arrive at last. I had also, now, and for the first time, a good view of +the king's eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender, who drew near at +the summons; and, while he had the appearance of listening with the most +profound attention to the instructions of the king of Leaphigh, was very +evidently telling that potentate what he ought to do. The conference +ended, his majesty's proxy spoke in a way to be heard by all who had the +good fortune to be near the royal person. + +"Reasono did a good thing," he said; "really, a very good thing, in +bringing us these specimens of the human family. But for his cleverness, +I might have died without ever dreaming that men were gifted with +tails." [Kings never get hold of the truth at the right end.] "I wonder +if the queen knew it. Pray, did you know, my Augusta, that men had +tails?" + +"Our exemption from state affairs gives us females better opportunities +than your majesty enjoys, to study these matters," returned his royal +consort, by the mouth of her lady of the bed-chamber. + +"I dare say I'm very silly--but our cousin, here, thinks it might be +well to do something for these good people, for it may encourage their +king himself to visit us some day." + +An exclamation of pleasure escaped the ladies; who declared, one and +all, it would be delightful to see a real human king--it would be so +funny! + +"Well, well," added the good-natured monarch, "Heaven knows what +may happen, for I have seen stranger things. Really, we ought to do +something for these good people; for, although we owe the pleasure of +their visit, in a great degree, to the cleverness of Reasono--who, +by the way, I'm glad to hear is declared an H. O. A. X.--yet he very +handsomely admits, that but for their exertions--none of our seamikins +being within reach--it would have been quite impossible to get through +the ice. I wish I knew, now, which was the cleverest and the most useful +of their party." + +Here the queen, always thinking and speaking by proxy, suggested the +propriety of leaving the point to Prince Bob. + +"It would be no more than is due to his rank; for though they are men, I +dare say they have feelings like ourselves." + +The question was now submitted to Bob, who sat in judgment on us all, +with as much gravity as if accustomed to such duties from infancy. It is +said that men soon get to be familiar with elevation, and that, while +he who has fallen never fails to look backwards, he who has risen +invariably limits his vision to the present horizon. Such proved to be +the case with the princely Bob. + +"This person," observed the jackanapes, pointing to me, "is a very good +sort of person, it is true, but he is hardly the sort of person your +majesty wants just now. There is the lord high admiral, too--but--" +(Bob's but was envenomed by a thousand kicks!)--"but--you wish, sire, +to know which of my father's subjects was the most useful in getting the +ship to Leaphigh?" + +"That is precisely the fact I desire to know." + +Bob hereupon pointed to the cook; who, it will be remembered, was +present as one of his train-bearers. "I believe I must say, sire, +that this is the man. He fed us all; and without food, and that in +considerable quantities, too, nothing could have been done." + +The little blackguard was rewarded for his impudence, by exclamations +of pleasure from all around him.--"It was so clever a distinction,"--"it +showed so much reflection,"--"it was so very profound,"--"it proved +how much he regarded the base of society;"--in short, "it was evident +England would be a happy country, when he should be called to the +throne!" In the meantime the cook was required to come forth, and kneel +before his majesty. + +"What is your name?" whispered the lord of the bed-chamber, who now +spoke for himself. + +"Jack Coppers, your honor." + +The lord of the bed-chamber made a communication to his majesty, when +the sovereign turned round by proxy, with his back towards Jack, and, +giving him the accolade with his tail, he bade him rise, as "Sir Jack +Coppers." + +I was a silent, an admiring, an astounded witness of this act of gross +and flagrant injustice. Some one pulled me aside, and then I recognized +the voice of Brigadier Downright. + +"You think that honors have alighted where they are least due. You think +that the saying of your crown prince has more smartness than truth, +more malice than honesty. You think that the court has judged on false +principles, and acted on an impulse rather than on reason; that the +king has consulted his own ease in affecting to do justice; that the +courtiers have paid a homage to their master, in affecting to pay a +homage to merit; and that nothing in this life is pure or free from the +taint of falsehood, selfishness, or vanity. Alas! this is too much the +case with us monikins, I must allow; though, doubtless, among men you +manage a vast deal more cleverly." + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. ABOUT THE HUMILITY OF PROFESSIONAL SAINTS, A SUCCESSION +OF TAILS, A BRIDE AND BRIDEGROOM, AND OTHER HEAVENLY MATTERS, DIPLOMACY +INCLUDED. + + +Perceiving that Brigadier Downright had an observant mind, and that +he was altogether superior to the clannish feeling which is so apt to +render a particular species inimical to all others, I asked permission +to cultivate his acquaintance; begging, at the same time, that he would +kindly favor me with such remarks as might be suggested by his superior +wisdom and extensive travels, on any of those customs or opinions +that would naturally present themselves in our actual situation. The +brigadier took the request in good part, and we began to promenade the +rooms in company. As the Archbishop of Aggregation, who was to perform +the marriage ceremony, was shortly expected, the conversation very +naturally turned on the general state of religion in the monikin region. + +I was delighted to find that the clerical dogmas of this insulated +portion of the world were based on principles absolutely identical with +those of all Christendom. The monikins believe that they are a miserable +lost set of wretches, who are so debased by nature, so eaten up by +envy, uncharitableness, and all other evil passions, that it is quite +impossible they can do anything that is good of themselves; that their +sole dependence is on the moral interference of the great superior power +of creation; and that the very first, and the one needful step of their +own, is to cast themselves entirely on this power for support, in +a proper spirit of dependence and humility. As collateral to, and +consequent on, this condition of the mind, they lay the utmost stress +on a disregard of all the vanities of life, a proper subjection of the +lusts of the flesh, and an abstaining from the pomp and vainglory of +ambition, riches, power, and the faculties. In short, the one thing +needful was humility--humility--humility. Once thoroughly humbled to +a degree that put them above the danger of backsliding, they obtained +glimpses of security, and were gradually elevated to the hopes and the +condition of the just. + +The brigadier was still eloquently discoursing on this interesting +topic, when a distant door opened, and a gold stick, or some other sort +of stick, announced the right reverend father in God, his grace the most +eminent and most serene prelate, the very puissant and thrice gracious +and glorified saint, the Primate of All Leaphigh! + +The reader will anticipate the eager curiosity with which I advanced +to get a glimpse of a saint under a system as sublimated as that of the +great monikin family. Civilization having made such progress as to strip +all the people, even to the king and queen, entirely of everything +in the shape of clothes, I did not well see under what new mantle of +simplicity the heads of the church could take refuge! Perhaps they +shaved off all the hair from their bodies in sign of supereminent +self-abasement, leaving themselves naked to the cuticle, that they might +prove, by ocular evidence, what a poor ungainly set of wretches they +really were, carnally considered; or perhaps they went on all-fours to +heaven, in sign of their unfitness to enter into the presence of the +pure of mind in an attitude more erect and confident. Well, these +fancies of mine only went to prove how erroneous and false are +the conclusions of one whose capacity has not been amplified and +concatenated by the ingenuities of a very refined civilization. His +grace the most gracious father in God, wore a mantle of extraordinary +fineness and beauty, the material of which was composed of every tenth +hair taken from all the citizens of Leaphigh, who most cheerfully +submitted to be shaved, in order that the wants of his most eminent +humility might be decently supplied. The mantle, wove from such a warp +and such a woof, was necessarily very large; and it really appeared to +me that the prelate did not very well know what to do with so much of +it, more especially as the contributions include a new robe annually. I +was now desirous of getting a sight of his tail; for, knowing that +the Leaphighers take great pride in the length and beauty of that +appurtenance, I very naturally supposed that a saint who wore so fine +and glorious a robe, by way of humility, must have recourse to some +novel expedient to mortify himself on his sensitive subject, at least. +I found that the ample proportions of the mantle concealed not only the +person, but most of the movements of the archbishop; and it was with +many doubts of my success that I led the brigadier behind the episcopal +train to reconnoitre. The result disappointed expectation again. Instead +of being destitute of a tail, or of concealing that with which nature +had supplied him beneath his mantle, the most gracious dignitary wore +no less than six caudae, viz., his own, and five others added to it, by +some subtle process of clerical ingenuity that I shall not attempt to +explain; one "bent on the other," as the captain described them in a +subsequent conversation. This extraordinary train was allowed to sweep +the floor; the only sign of humility, according to my uninstructed +faculties, I could discern about the person and appearance of this +illustrious model of clerical self-mortification and humility. + +The brigadier, however, was not tardy in setting me right. In the first +place, he gave me to understand that the hierarchy of Leaphigh was +illustrated by the order of their tails. Thus, a deacon wore one and a +half; a curate, if a minister, one and three-quarters, and a rector +two; a dean, two and a half, an archdeacon, three; a bishop, four; the +Primate of Leaphigh, five, and the Primate of ALL Leaphigh, six. The +origin of the custom, which was very ancient, and of course very much +respected, was imputed to the doctrine of a saint of great celebrity, +who had satisfactorily proved that as the tail was the intellectual or +the spiritual part of a monikin, the farther it was removed from the +mass of matter, or the body, the more likely it was to be independent, +consecutive, logical, and spiritualized. The idea had succeeded +astonishingly at first; but time, which will wear out even a cauda, had +given birth to schisms in the church on this interesting subject; +one party contending that two more joints ought to be added to the +archbishop's embellishment, by way of sustaining the church, and the +other that two joints ought to be incontinently abstracted, in the way +of reform. + +These explanations were interrupted by the appearance of the bride and +bridegroom, at different doors. The charming Chatterissa advanced with +a most prepossessing modesty, followed by a glorious train of noble +maidens, all keeping their eyes, by a rigid ordinance of hymeneal +etiquette, dropped to the level of the queen's feet. On the other hand, +my lord Chatterino, attended by that coxcomb Hightail, and others of +his kidney, stepped towards the altar with a lofty confidence, which the +same etiquette exacted of the bridegroom. The parties were no sooner in +their places, than the prelate commenced. + +The marriage ceremony, according to the formula of the established +church of Leaphigh, is a very solemn and imposing ceremony. The +bridegroom is required to swear that he loves the bride and none but +the bride; that he has made his choice solely on account of her merits, +uninfluenced even by her beauty; and that he will so far command his +inclinations as, on no account, ever to love another a jot. The bride, +on her part, calls heaven and earth to witness, that she will do just +what the bridegroom shall ask of her; that she will be his bondwoman, +his slave, his solace and his delight; that she is quite certain no +other monikin could make her happy, but, on the other hand, she is +absolutely sure that any other monikin would be certain to make her +miserable. When these pledges, oaths, and asseverations were duly +made and recorded, the archbishop caused the happy pair to be wreathed +together, by encircling them with his episcopal tail, and they were then +pronounced monikin and monikina. I pass over the congratulations, which +were quite in rule, to relate a short conversation I held with the +brigadier. + +"Sir," said I, addressing that person, as soon as the prelate said +'amen,' "how is this? I have seen a certificate, myself, which showed +that there was a just admeasurement of the fitness of this union, on the +score of other considerations than those mentioned in the ceremony?" + +"That certificate has no connection with this ceremony." + +"And yet this ceremony repudiates all the considerations enumerated in +the certificate?" + +"This ceremony has no connection with that certificate." + +"So it would seem; and yet both refer to the same solemn engagement!" + +"Why, to tell you the truth, Sir John Goldencalf, we monikins (for +in these particulars Leaphigh is Leaplow) have two distinct governing +principles in all that we say or do, which may be divided into +the theoretical and the practical--moral and immoral would not be +inapposite--but, by the first we control all our interests, down as far +as facts, when we immediately submit to the latter. There may possibly +be something inconsistent in appearance in such an arrangement; but then +our most knowing ones say that it works well. No doubt among men, you +get along without the embarrassment of so much contradiction." + +I now advanced to pay my respects to the Countess of Chatterino, who +stood supported by the countess-dowager, a lady of great dignity and +elegance of demeanor. The moment I appeared, the elaborate air of +modesty, vanished from the charming countenance of the bride, in a look +of natural pleasure; and, turning to her new mother, she pointed me +out as a man! The courteous old dowager gave me a very kind reception, +inquiring if I had enough good things to eat, whether I was not much +astonished at the multitude of strange sights I beheld in Leaphigh, said +I ought to be much obliged to her son for consenting to bring me over, +and invited me to come and see her some fine morning. + +I bowed my thanks, and then returned to join the brigadier, with a +view to seek an introduction to the archbishop. Before I relate the +particulars of my interview with that pious prelate, however, it may be +well to say that this was the last I ever saw of any of the Chatterino +set, as they retired from the presence immediately after the +congratulations were ended. I heard, however, previously to leaving the +region, which was within a month of the marriage, that the noble pair +kept separate establishments, on account of some disagreement about an +incompatibility of temper--or a young officer of the guards--I never +knew exactly which; but as the estates suited each other so well, there +is little doubt that, on the whole, the match was as happy as could be +expected. + +The archbishop received me with a great deal of professional +benevolence, the conversation dropping very naturally into a comparison +of the respective religious systems of Great Britain and Leaphigh. He +was delighted when he found we had an establishment; and I believe I was +indebted to his knowledge of this fact for his treating me more as an +equal than he might otherwise have done, considering the difference in +species. I was much relieved by this; for, at the commencement of the +conversation, he had sounded me a little on doctrine, at which I am far +from being expert, never having taken an interest in the church, and +I thought he looked frowning at some of my answers; but, when he heard +that we really had a national religion, he seemed to think all safe, +nor did he once, after that, inquire whether we were pagans or +Presbyterians. But when I told him we had actually a hierarchy, +I thought the good old prelate would have shaken my hand off, and +beatified me on the spot! + +"We shall meet in heaven some day!" he exclaimed, with holy delight; +"men or monikins, it can make no great difference, after all. We shall +meet in heaven; and that, too, in the upper mansions!" + +The reader will suppose that, an alien, and otherwise unknown, I was +much elated by this distinction. To go to heaven in company with the +Archbishop of Leaphigh was in itself no small favor; but to be thus +noticed by him at court was really enough to upset the philosophy of +a stranger. I was sorely afraid, all the while, he would descend to +particulars, and that he might have found some essential points +of difference to nip his new-born admiration. Had he asked me, for +instance, how many caudae our bishops wear, I should have been badgered; +for, as near as I could recollect, their personal illustration was of +another character. The venerable prelate, however, soon gave me his +blessing, pressed me warmly to come to his palace before I sailed, +promised to send some tracts by me to England, and then hurried away, +as he said, to sign a sentence of excommunication against an unruly +presbyter, who had much disturbed the harmony of the church, of late, by +an attempt to introduce a schism that he called "piety." + +The brigadier and myself discussed the subject of religion at some +length, when the illustrious prelate had taken his leave. I was told +that the monikin world was pretty nearly equally divided into two parts, +the old and the new. The latter had remained uninhabited, until within a +few generations, when certain monikins, who were too good to live in the +old world, emigrated in a body, and set up for themselves in the new. +This, the brigadier admitted, was the Leaplow account of the matter; +the inhabitants of the old countries, on the other hand, invariably +maintaining that they had peopled the new countries by sending all those +of their own communities there, who were not fit to stay at home. This +little obscurity in the history of the new world, he considers of no +great moment, as such trifling discrepancies must always depend on the +character of the historian. Leaphigh was by no means the only country in +the elder monikin region. There were among others, for instance, +Leapup and Leapdown; Leapover and Leapthrough; Leaplong and Leapshort; +Leapround and Leapunder. Each of these countries had a religious +establishment, though Leaplow, being founded on a new social principle, +had none. The brigadier thought, himself, on the whole, that the chief +consequences of the two systems were, that the countries which had +establishments had a great reputation for possessing religion, and those +that had no establishments were well enough off in the article itself, +though but indifferently supplied on the score of reputation. + +I inquired of the brigadier if he did not think an establishment had the +beneficial effect of sustaining truth, by suppressing heresies, limiting +and curtailing prurient theological fancies, and otherwise setting +limits to innovations. My friend did not absolutely agree with me in all +these particulars; though he very frankly allowed that it had the effect +of keeping TWO truths from falling out, by separating them. Thus, Leapup +maintained one set of religious dogmas under its establishment, and +Leapdown maintained their converse. By keeping these truths apart, no +doubt, religious harmony was promoted, and the several ministers of +the gospel were enabled to turn all their attention to the sins of the +community, instead of allowing it to be diverted to the sins of each +other, as was very apt to be the case when there was an antagonist +interest to oppose. + +Shortly after, the king and queen gave us all our conges. Noah and +myself got through the crowd without injury to our trains, and we +separated in the court of the palace; he to go to his bed and dream of +his trial on the morrow, and I to go home with Judge People's Friend and +the brigadier, who had invited me to finish the evening with a supper. I +was left chatting with the last, while the first went into his closet +to indite a dispatch to his government, relating to the events of the +evening. + +The brigadier was rather caustic in his comments on the incidents of +the drawing-room. A republican himself, he certainly did love to give +royalty and nobility some occasional rubs; though I must do this worthy, +upright monikin the justice to say, he was quite superior to that vulgar +hostility which is apt to distinguish many of his caste, and which is +founded on a principle as simple as the fact that they cannot be kings +and nobles themselves. + +While we were chatting very pleasantly, quite at our ease, and in +undress as it were, the brigadier in his bob, and I with my tail aside, +Judge People's Friend rejoined us, with his dispatch open in his hand. +He read aloud what he had written, to my great astonishment, for I had +been accustomed to think diplomatic communications sacred. But the judge +observed, that in this case it was useless to affect secrecy, for two +very good reasons; firstly, because he had been obliged to employ a +common Leaphigh scrivener to copy what he had written--his government +depending on a noble republican economy, which taught it that, if it did +get into difficulties by the betrayal of its correspondence, it would +still have the money that a clerk would cost, to help it out of the +embarrassment; and, secondly, because he knew the government itself +would print it as soon as it arrived. For his part, he liked to have +the publishing of his own works. Under these circumstances, I was +even allowed to take a copy of the letter, of which I now furnish a +fac-simile. + +"SIR:--The undersigned, envoy-extraordinary and minister-plenipotentiary +of the North-Western Leaplow Confederate Union, has the honor to inform +the secretary of state, that our interests in this portion of the earth +are, in general, on the best possible footing; our national character is +getting every day to be more and more elevated; our rights are more and +more respected, and our flag is more and more whitening every sea. +After this flattering and honorable account of the state of our general +concerns, I hasten to communicate the following interesting particulars. + +"The treaty between our beloved North-Western Confederate Union and +Leaphigh, has been dishonored in every one of its articles; nineteen +Leaplow seamen have been forcibly impressed into a Leapthrough vessel +of war; the king of Leapup has made an unequivocal demonstration with +a very improper part of his person, at us; and the king of Leapover has +caused seven of our ships to be seized and sold, and the money to be +given to his mistress. + +"Sir, I congratulate you on this very flattering condition of +our foreign relations; which can only be imputed to the glorious +constitution of which we are the common servants, and to the just dread +which the Leaplow name has so universally inspired in other nations. + +"The king has just had a drawing-room, in which I took great care to see +that the honor of our beloved country should be faithfully attended +to. My cauda was at least three inches longer than that of the +representative of Leapup, the minister most favored by nature in this +important particular; and I have the pleasure of adding, that her +majesty the queen deigned to give me a very gracious smile. Of the +sincerity of that smile there can be no earthly doubt, sir; for, though +there is abundant evidence that she did apply certain unseemly words +to our beloved country lately, it would quite exceed the rules of +diplomatic courtesy, and be unsustained by proof, were we to call in +question her royal sincerity on this public occasion. Indeed, sir, at +all the recent drawing-rooms I have received smiles of the most sincere +and encouraging character, not only from the king, but from all his +ministers, his first-cousin in particular; and I trust they will have +the most beneficial effects on the questions at issue between the +Kingdom of Leaphigh and our beloved country. If they would now only +do us justice in the very important affair of the long-standing and +long-neglected redress, which we have been seeking in vain at their +hands for the last seventy-two years, I should say that our relations +were on the best possible footing. + +"Sir, I congratulate you on the profound respect with which the Leaplow +name is treated, in the most distant quarters of the earth, and on the +benign influence this fortunate circumstance is likely to exercise on +all our important interests. + +"I see but little probability of effecting the object of my special +mission, but the utmost credit is to be attached to the sincerity of the +smiles of the king and queen, and of all the royal family." + +"In a late conversation with his majesty, he inquired in the kindest +manner after the health of the Great Sachem [this is the title of +the head of the Leaplow government], and observed that our growth and +prosperity put all other nations to shame; and that we might, on all +occasions, depend on his most profound respect and perpetual friendship. +In short, sir, all nations, far and near, desire our alliance, are +anxious to open new sources of commerce, and entertain for us the +profoundest respect, and the most inviolable esteem. You can tell the +Great Sachem that this feeling is surprisingly augmented under his +administration, and that it has at least quadrupled during my mission. +If Leaphigh would only respect its treaties, Leapthrough would cease +taking our seamen, Leapup have greater deference for the usages of good +society, and the king of Leapover would seize no more of our ships to +supply his mistress with pocket-money, our foreign relations might be +considered to be without spot. As it is, sir, they are far better off +than I could have expected, or indeed had ever hoped to see them; and +of one thing you may be diplomatically certain, that we are universally +respected, and that the Leaplow name is never mentioned without all in +company rising and waving their caudae." + +"(Signed.) JUDAS PEOPLE'S FRIEND." + +"Hon.---------, etc." + +"P. S. (Private.)" + +"Dear Sir:--If you publish this dispatch, omit the part where the +difficulties are repeated, I beg you will see that my name is put in +with those of the other patriots, against the periodical rotation of +the little wheel, as I shall certainly be obliged to return home soon, +having consumed all my means. Indeed, the expense of maintaining a tail, +of which our people have no notion, is so very great, that I think none +of our missions should exceed a week in duration. + +"I would especially advise that the message should dilate on the subject +of the high standing of the Leaplow character in foreign nations; for, +to be frank with you, facts require that this statement should be made +as often as possible." + +When this letter was read, the conversation reverted to religion. The +brigadier explained that the law of Leaphigh had various peculiarities +on this subject, that I do not remember to have heard of before. Thus, +a monikin could not be born without paying something to the church, +a practice which early initiated him into his duties towards that +important branch of the public welfare; and, even when he died, he left +a fee behind him, for the parson, as an admonition to those who still +existed in the flesh, not to forget their obligations. He added that +this sacred interest was, in short, so rigidly protected, that, whenever +a monikin refused to be plucked for a new clerical or episcopal mantle, +there was a method of fleecing him, by the application of red-hot iron +rods, which generally singed so much of his skin, that he was commonly +willing, in the end, to let the hair-proctors pick and choose at +pleasure. + +I confess I was indignant at this picture, and did not hesitate to +stigmatize the practice as barbarous. + +"Your indignation is very natural, Sir John, and is just what a stranger +would be likely to feel, when he found mercy, and charity, and brotherly +love, and virtue, and, above all, humility, made the stalking-horses of +pride, selfishness, and avarice. But this is the way with us monikins; +no doubt, men manage better." + + + + +CHAPTER XX. A VERY COMMON CASE: OR A GREAT DEAL OF LAW, AND VERY LITTLE +JUSTICE--HEADS AND TAILS, WITH THE DANGERS OF EACH. + + +I was early with Noah on the following morning. The poor fellow, when it +is remembered that he was about to be tried for a capital offence, in +a foreign country, under novel institutions, and before a jury of a +different species, manifested a surprising degree of fortitude. Still, +the love of life was strong within him, as was apparent by the way in +which he opened the discourse. + +"Did you observe how the wind was this morning, Sir John, as you came +in?" the straightforward sealer inquired, with a peculiar interest. + +"It is a pleasant gale from the southward." + +"Right off shore! If one knew where all them blackguards of rear +admirals and post captains were to be found, I don't think, Sir, John, +that you would care much about paying those fifty thousand promises?" + +"My recognizances?--Not in the least, my dear friend, were it not for +our honor. It would scarcely be creditable for the Walrus to sail, +however, leaving an unsettled account of her captain's behind us. What +would they say at Stunin'tun--what would your own consort think of an +act so unmanly?" + +"Why, at Stunin'tun, we think him the smartest who gets the easiest +out of any difficulty; and I don't well see why Miss Poke should know +it--or, if she did, why she should think the worse of her husband, for +saving his life." + +"Away with these unworthy thoughts, and brace yourself to meet +the trial. We shall, at least, get some insight into the Leaphigh +jurisprudence. Come, I see you are already dressed for the occasion; let +us be as prompt as duellists." + +Noah made up his mind to submit with dignity; although he lingered in +the great square, in order to study the clouds, in a way to show he +might have settled the whole affair with the fore-topsail, had he +known where to find his crew. Fortunately for the reputations of +all concerned, however, he did not; and, discarding everything like +apprehension from his countenance, the sturdy mariner entered the Old +Bailey with the tread of a man and the firmness of innocence. I ought to +have said sooner, that we had received notice early in the morning, that +the proceedings had been taken from before the pages, on appeal, and +that a new venue had been laid in the High Criminal Court of Leaphigh. + +Brigadier Downright met us at the door; where also a dozen grave, +greasy-looking counsellors gathered about us, in a way to show that they +were ready to volunteer in behalf of the stranger, on receiving no more +than the customary fee. But I had determined to defend Noah myself (the +court consenting) for I had forebodings that our safety would depend +more on an appeal to the rights of hospitality, than on any legal +defence it was in our power to offer. As the brigadier kindly +volunteered to aid me for nothing, I thought proper not to refuse his +services, however. + +I pass over the appearance of the court, the empanelling of the jury, +and the arraignment; for, in matters of mere legal forms, there is no +great difference between civilized countries, all of them wearing the +same semblance of justice. The first indictment, for unhappily there +were two, charged Noah with having committed an assault, with malice +prepense, on the king's dignity, with "sticks, daggers, muskets, +blunderbusses, air-guns, and other unlawful weapons, more especially +with the tongue, in that he had accused his majesty, face to face, with +having a memory, etc., etc." The other indictment, repeating the formula +of the first, charged the honest sealer with feloniously accusing her +majesty the queen, "in defiance of the law, to the injury of good morals +and the peace of society, with having no memory, etc., etc." To both +these charges the plea of "not guilty," was entered as fast as possible, +in behalf of our client. + +I ought to have said before, that both Brigadier Downright and myself +had applied to be admitted of counsel for the accused, under an ancient +law of Leaphigh, as next of kin; I as a fellow human being, and the +brigadier by adoption. + +The preliminary forms observed, the attorney-general was about to go +into proof, in behalf of the crown, when my brother Downright arose +and said that he intended to save the precious time of the court, +by admitting the facts; and that it was intended to rest the defence +altogether on the law of the case. He presumed the jury were the judges +of the law as well as of the facts, according to the rule of Leaplow, +and that "he and his brother Goldencalf were quite prepared to show that +the law was altogether with us, in this affair." The court received +the admission, and the facts were submitted to the jury, by consent, as +proven; although the chief-justice took occasion to remark, Longbeard +dissenting, that, while the jury were certainly judges of the law, in +one sense, yet there was another sense in which they were not judges of +the law. The dissent of Baron Longbeard went to maintain that while the +jury were the judges of the law in the "another sense" mentioned, they +were not judges of the law in the "one sense" named. This difficulty +disposed of, Mr. Attorney-General arose and opened for the crown. + +I soon found that we had one of a very comprehensive and philosophical +turn of mind against us, in the advocate of the other side. He commenced +his argument by a vigorous and lucid sketch of the condition of the +world previously to the subdivisions of its different inhabitants +into nations, and tribes, and clans, while in the human or chrysalis +condition. From this statement, he deduced the regular gradations by +which men become separated into communities, and subjected to the laws +of civilization, or what is called society. Having proceeded thus far, +he touched lightly on the different phases that the institutions of +men had presented, and descended gradually and consecutively to the +fundamental principles of the social compact, as they were known to +exist among monikins. After a few general observations that properly +belonged to the subject, he came to speak of those portions of the +elementary principles of society that are connected with the rights +of the sovereign. These he divided into the rights of the king's +prerogative, the rights of the king's person, and the rights of the +king's conscience. Here he again generalized a little, and in a very +happy manner; so well, indeed, as to leave all his hearers in doubt +as to what he would next be at; when, by a fierce logical swoop, he +descended suddenly on the last of the king's rights, as the one that was +most connected with the subject. + +He triumphantly showed that the branch of the royal immunities that was +chiefly affected by the offence of the prisoner at the bar, was very +clearly connected with the rights of the king's conscience. "The +attributes of royalty," observed the sagacious advocate, "are not to be +estimated in the same manner as the attributes of the subject. In +the sacred person of the king are centred many, if not most, of +the interesting privileges of monikinism. That royal personage, in +apolitical sense, can do no wrong: official infallibility is the +consequence. Such a being has no occasion for the ordinary faculties of +the monikin condition. Of what use, for instance, is a judgment, or a +conscience, to a functionary who can do no wrong? The law, in order to +relieve one on whose shoulders was imposed the burden of the state, had +consequently placed the latter especially in the keeping of another. +His majesty's first-cousin is the keeper of his conscience, as is known +throughout the realm of Leaphigh. A memory is the faculty of the least +account to a personage who has no conscience; and, while it is not +contended that the sovereign is relieved from the possession of his +memory by any positive statute law, or direct constitutional provision, +it follows, by unavoidable implication, and by all legitimate +construction, that, having no occasion to possess such a faculty, it is +the legal presumption he is altogether without it. + +"That simplicity, lucidity and distinctness, my lords," continued Mr. +Attorney-General, "which are necessary to every well-ordered mind, would +be impaired, in the case of his majesty, were his intellectual faculties +unnecessarily crowded in this useless manner, and the state would be the +sufferer. My lords, the king reigns, but he does not govern. This is a +fundamental principle of the constitution; nay, it is more--it is the +palladium of our liberties! My lords, it is an easy matter to reign +in Leaphigh. It requires no more than the rights of primogeniture, +sufficient discretion to understand the distinction between reigning and +governing, and a political moderation that is unlikely to derange the +balance of the state. But it is quite a different thing to govern. +His majesty is required to govern nothing, the slight interests just +mentioned excepted; no, not even himself. The case is far otherwise with +his first-cousin. This high functionary is charged with the important +trust of governing. It had been found, in the early ages of the +monarchy, that one conscience, or indeed one set of faculties generally, +scarcely sufficed for him whose duty it was both to reign and to govern. +We all know, my lords, how insufficient for our personal objects are +our own private faculties; how difficult we find it to restrain even +ourselves, assisted merely by our own judgments, consciences, and +memories; and in this fact do we perceive the great importance of +investing him who governs others, with an additional set of these grave +faculties. Under a due impression of the exigency of such a state of +things, the common law--not statute law, my lords, which is apt to be +tainted with the imperfections of monikin reason in its isolated or +individual state, usually bearing the impress of the single cauda from +which it emanated--but the common law, the known receptacle of all the +common sense of the nation--in such a state of things, then, has the +common law long since decreed that his majesty's first-cousin should +be the keeper of his majesty's conscience; and, by necessary legal +implication, endowed with his majesty's judgment, his majesty's reason, +and finally, his majesty's memory. + +"My lords, this is the legal presumption. It would, in addition, be +easy for me to show, in a thousand facts, that not only the sovereign of +Leaphigh, but most other sovereigns, are and ever have been, destitute +of the faculty of a memory. It might be said to be incompatible with the +royal condition to be possessed of this obtrusive faculty. Were a prince +endowed with a memory, he might lose sight of his high estate, in the +recollection that he was born, and that he is destined, like another, +to die; he might be troubled with visions of the past; nay, the +consciousness of his very dignity might be unsettled and weakened by +a vivid view of the origin of his royal race. Promises, obligations, +attachments, duties, principles, and even debts, might interfere with +the due discharge of his sacred trusts, were the sovereign invested with +a memory; and it has, therefore, been decided, from time immemorial, +that his majesty is utterly without the properties of reason, judgment, +and memory, as a legitimate inference from his being destitute of a +conscience." + +Mr. Attorney-General now directed the attention of the court and jury to +a statute of the 3d of Firstborn 6th, by which it was enacted that any +person attributing to his majesty the possession of any faculty, with +felonious intent, that might endanger the tranquillity of the state, +should suffer decaudization, without benefit of clergy. Here he rested +the case on behalf of the crown. + +There was a solemn pause, after the speaker had resumed his seat. His +argument, logic, and above all, his good sense and undeniable law, made +a very sensible impression; and I had occasion to observe that Noah +began to chew tobacco ravenously. After a decent interval, however, +Brigadier Downright--who, it would seem, in spite of his military +appellation, was neither more nor less than a practising attorney +and counsellor in the city of Bivouac, the commercial capital of the +Republic of Leaplow--arose, and claimed a right to be heard in reply. +The court now took it into its head to start the objection, for the +first time, that the advocate had not been duly qualified to plead, or +to argue, at their bar. My brother Downright instantly referred their +lordships to the law of adoption, and to that provision of the criminal +code which permitted the accused to be heard by his next of kin. + +"Prisoner at the bar," said the chief-justice, "you hear the statement +of counsel. Is it your desire to commit the management of your defence +to your next of kin?" + +"To anybody, your honors, if the court please," returned Noah, furiously +masticating his beloved weed; "to anybody who will do it well, my +honorables, and do it cheap." + +"And do you adopt, under the provisions of the statute in such cases +made and provided, Aaron Downright as one of your next of kin, and if +so, in what capacity?" + +"I do--I do--my lords and your honors--I do, body and soul--if you +please, I adopt the brigadier as my father; and my fellow human being +and tried friend, Sir John Goldencalf, here, I adopt him as my mother." + +The court now formally assenting, the facts were entered of record, and +my brother Downright was requested to proceed with the defence. + +The counsel for the prisoner, like Dandin, in Racine's comedy of Les +Plaideurs, was disposed to pass over the deluge, and to plunge instantly +into the core of his subject. He commenced with a review of the royal +prerogatives, and with a definition of the words "to reign." Referring +to the dictionary of the academy, he showed triumphantly, that to reign, +was no other than to "govern as a sovereign"; while to govern, in the +familiar signification, was no more than to govern in the name of a +prince, or as a deputy. Having successfully established this point, he +laid down the position, that the greater might contain the less, but +that the less could not possibly contain the greater. That the right +to reign, or to govern, in the generic signification of the term, must +include all the lawful attributes of him who only governed, in the +secondary signification; and that, consequently, the king not only +reigned, but governed. He then proceeded to show that memory was +indispensable to him who governed, since, without one he could +neither recollect the laws, make a suitable disposition of rewards and +punishments, nor, in fact, do any other intelligent or necessary +act. Again, it was contended that by the law of the land the king's +conscience was in the keeping of his first-cousin. Now, in order that +the king's conscience should be in such keeping, it was clear that he +must HAVE a conscience, since a nonentity could not be in keeping, +or even put in commission; and, having a conscience, it followed, ex +necessitate rei, that he must have the attributes of a conscience, of +which memory formed one of the most essential features. Conscience +was defined to be "the faculty by which we judge of the goodness or +wickedness of our own actions. (See Johnson's Dictionary, page 162, +letter C. London edition. Rivington, publisher.) Now, in what manner can +one judge of the goodness or wickedness of his acts, or of those of +any other person, if he knows nothing about them? and how can he know +anything of the past, unless endowed with the faculty of a memory?" + +Again; it was a political corollary from the institutions of Leaphigh, +that the king could do no wrong-- + +"I beg your pardon, my brother Downright," interrupted the +chief-justice, "it is not a corollary, but a proposition--and one, too, +that is held to be demonstrated. It is the paramount law of the land." + +"I thank you, my lord," continued the brigadier, "as your lordship's +high authority makes my case so much the stronger. It is, then, settled +law, gentle monikins of the jury, that the sovereign of this realm can +do no wrong. It is also settled law--their lordships will correct me, if +I misstate--it is also settled law that the sovereign is the fountain of +honor, that he can make war and peace, that he administers justice, sees +the laws executed--" + +"I beg your pardon, again, brother Downright," interrupted the +chief-justice. "This is not the law, but the prerogative. It is the +king's prerogative to be and do all this, but it is very far from being +law." + +"Am I to understand, my lord, that the court makes a distinction between +that which is prerogative, and that which is law?" + +"Beyond a doubt, brother Downright! If all that is prerogative was also +law, we could not get on an hour." + +"Prerogative, if your lordship pleases, or prerogativa, is defined to +be 'an exclusive or peculiar privilege.' (Johnson. Letter P, page 139, +fifth clause from bottom; edition as aforesaid. Speaking slow, in +order to enable Baron Longbeard to make his notes.) Now, an exclusive +privilege, I humbly urge, must supersede all enactments, and--" + +"Not at all, sir--not at all, sir--not at all, sir," put in my lord +chief-justice, dogmatically-looking out of the window at the clouds, in +a way to show that his mind was quite made up. "Not at all, good sir. +The king has his prerogatives, beyond a question; and they are sacred--a +part of the constitution. They are, moreover, exclusive and peculiar, as +stated by Johnson; but their exclusiveness and peculiarity are not to +be constructed in the vulgar acceptations. In treating of the vast +interests of a state, the mind must take a wide range; and I hold, +brother Longbeard, there is no principle more settled than the fact, +that prerogativa is one thing, and lex, or the law, another." The baron +bowed assent. "By exclusion, in this case, is meant that the prerogative +touches only his majesty. The prerogative is exclusively his property, +and he may do what he pleases with it; but the law is made for the +nation, and is altogether a different matter. Again: by peculiar, is +clearly meant peculiarity, or that this case is analogous to no other, +and must be reasoned on by the aid of a peculiar logic. No, sir--the +king can make peace and war, it is true, under his prerogative; but then +his conscience is hard and fast in the keeping of another, who alone can +perform all legal acts." + +"But, my lord, justice, though administered by others, is still +administered in the king's name." + +"No doubt, in his name: this is a part of the peculiar privilege. War +is made in his majesty's name, too--so is peace. What is war? It is the +personal conflicts between bodies of men of different nations. Does his +majesty engage in these conflicts? Certainly not. The war is maintained +by taxes. Does his majesty pay them? No. Thus we see that while the +war is constitutionally the king's, it is practically the people's. +It follows, as a corollary--since you quote corollaries, brother +Downright--that there are two wars--or the war of the prerogative, +and the war of the fact. Now, the prerogative is a constitutional +principle--a very sacred one, certainly--but a fact is a thing that +comes home to every monikin's fireside; and therefore the courts have +decided, ever since the reign of Timid II., or ever since they dared, +that the prerogative was one thing, and the law another." + +My brother Downright seemed a good deal perplexed by the distinctions +of the court, and he concluded much sooner than he otherwise would have +done; summing up the whole of his arguments, by showing, or attempting +to show, that if the king had even these peculiar privileges, and +nothing else, he must be supposed to have a memory. + +The court now called upon the attorney-general to reply; but that person +appeared to think his case strong enough as it was, and the matter, +by agreement, was submitted to the jury, after a short charge from the +bench. + +"You are not to suffer your intellects to be confused, gentlemonikins, +by the argument of the prisoner's counsel," concluded the chief-justice. +"He has done his duty, and it remains for you to be equally +conscientious. You are, in this case, the judges of the law and the +fact; but it is a part of my functions to inform you what they both are. +By the law, the king is supposed to have no faculties. The inference +drawn by counsel, that, not being capable of erring, the king must have +the highest possible moral attributes, and consequently a memory, +is unsound. The constitution says his majesty CAN do no wrong. This +inability may proceed from a variety of causes. If he can do NOTHING, +for instance, he can do no wrong. The constitution does not say that +the sovereign WILL do no wrong--but, that he CAN do no wrong. Now, +gentlemonikins, when a thing cannot be done, it becomes impossible; +and it is, of course, beyond the reach of argument. It is of no moment +whether a person has a memory, if he cannot use it, and, in such a case, +the legal presumption is, that he is without a memory; for, otherwise, +nature, who is ever wise and beneficent, would be throwing away her +gifts. + +"Gentlemonikins, I have already said you are the judges, in this case, +of both the law and the fact. The fate of the prisoner is in your hands. +God forbid that it should be, in any manner, influenced by me; but this +is an offence against the king's dignity, and the security of the realm; +the law is against the prisoner, the facts are all against the prisoner, +and I do not doubt that your verdict will be the spontaneous decision of +your own excellent judgments, and of such a nature as will prevent the +necessity of our ordering a new trial." + +The jurors put their tails together, and in less than a minute, their +foremonikin rendered a verdict of guilty. Noah sighed, and took a fresh +supply of tobacco. + +The case of the queen was immediately opened by her majesty's +attorney-general; the prisoner having been previously arraigned, and a +plea entered of "not guilty." + +The queen's advocate made a bitter attack on the animus of the +unfortunate prisoner. He described her majesty as a paragon of +excellences; as the depositary of all the monikin virtues, and the +model of her sex. "If she, who was so justly celebrated for the gifts of +charity, meekness, religion, justice, and submission to feminine duties, +had no memory," he asked leave to demand, in the name of God, who had? +"Without a memory, in what manner was this illustrious personage +to recall her duties to her royal consort, her duties to her royal +offspring, her duties to her royal self? Memory was peculiarly a royal +attribute; and without its possession no one could properly be deemed +of high and ancient lineage. Memory referred to the past, and the +consideration due to royalty was scarcely ever a present consideration, +but a consideration connected with the past. We venerated the past. Time +was divided into the past, present, and future. The past was invariably +a monarchical interest--the present was claimed by republicans--the +future belonged to fate. If it were decided that the queen had no +memory, we should strike a blow at royalty. It was by memory, as +connected with the public archives, that the king derived his title to +his throne; it was by memory, which recalled the deeds of his ancestors, +that he became entitled to our most profound respect." + +In this manner did the queen's attorney-general speak for about an +hour, when he gave way to the counsel for the prisoner. But, to my great +surprise, for I knew that this accusation was much the gravest of the +two, since the head of Noah would be the price of conviction, my brother +Downright, instead of making a very ingenious reply, as I had fully +anticipated, merely said a few words, in which he expressed so firm +a confidence in the acquittal of his client, as to appear to think a +further defence altogether unnecessary. He had no sooner seated himself, +than I expressed a strong dissatisfaction with this course, and avowed +an intention to make an effort in behalf of my poor friend, myself. + +"Keep silence, Sir John," whispered my brother Downright; "the advocate +who makes many unsuccessful applications gets to be disrespected. I +charge myself with the care of the lord high admiral's interests; at the +proper time they shall be duly attended to." + +Having the profoundest respect for the brigadier's legal attainments, +and no great confidence in my own, I was fain to submit. In the +meantime, the business of the court proceeded; and the jury, having +received a short charge from the bench, which was quite as impartial as +a positive injunction to convict could very well be, again rendered the +verdict of "guilty." + +In Leaphigh, although it is deemed indecent to wear clothes, it is also +esteemed exceedingly decorous for certain high functionaries to adorn +their persons with suitable badges of their official rank. We have +already had an account of the hierarchy of tails, and a general +description of the mantle composed of tenth-hairs; but I had forgotten +to say that both my lord chief-justice and Baron Longbeard had +tail-cases made of the skins of deceased monikins, which gave the +appearance of greater development to their intellectual organs, and most +probably had some influence in the way of coddling their brains, which +required great care and attention on account of incessant use. They now +drew over these tail-cases a sort of box-coat of a very bloodthirsty +color, which, we were given to understand, was a sign that they were in +earnest, and about to pronounce sentence; justice in Leaphigh being of +singularly bloodthirsty habits. + +"Prisoner at the bar," the chief-justice began, in a voice of reproof, +"you have heard the decision of your peers. You have been arraigned +and tried on the heinous charge of having accused the sovereign of this +realm of being in possession of the faculty called 'a memory,' thereby +endangering the peace of society, unsettling the social relations, and +setting a dangerous example of insubordination and of contempt of the +laws. Of this crime, after a singularly patient and impartial hearing, +you have been found guilty. The law allows the court no discretion in +the case. It is my duty to pass sentence forthwith; and I now solemnly +ask you, if you have anything to say why sentence of decaudization +should not be pronounced against you." Here the chief-justice took just +time enough to gape, and then proceeded--"You are right in throwing +yourself altogether on the mercy of the court, which better knows what +is fittest for you, than you can possibly know for yourself. You will be +taken, Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color, forthwith, to the centre of +the public square, between the hours of sunrise and sunset of this day, +where your cauda will be cut off; and after it has been divided into +four parts, a part will be exposed towards each of the cardinal points +of the compass; and the brush thereof being consumed by fire, the ashes +will be thrown into your face, and this without benefit of clergy. And +may the Lord have mercy on your soul!" + +"Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color," put in Baron Longbeard, without +giving the culprit breathing-time, "you have been indicted, tried, and +found guilty of the enormous crime of charging the queen-consort of this +realm of being wanting in the ordinary, important, and every-day +faculty of a memory. Have you anything to say why sentence should not +be forthwith passed against you? No; I am sure you are very right in +throwing yourself altogether on the mercy of the court, which is quite +disposed to show you all that is in its power, which happens, in +this case, to be none at all. I need not dwell on the gravity of your +offence. If the law should allow that the queen has no memory, other +females might put in claims to the same privilege, and society would +become a chaos. Marriage vows, duties, affections, and all our nearest +and dearest interests would be unhinged, and this pleasant state of +being would degenerate into a moral, or rather an immoral pandemonium. +Keeping in view these all-important considerations, and more especially +the imperativeness of the law, which does not admit of discretion, the +court sentences you to be carried hence, without delay, to the centre of +the great square, where your head will be severed from your body by the +public executioner, without benefit of clergy; after which your +remains are to be consigned to the public hospitals for the purposes of +dissection." + +The words were scarcely out of Baron Longbeard's mouth, before both +the attorneys-general started up, to move the court in behalf of the +separate dignities of their respective principals. Mr. Attorney-General +of the crown prayed the court so far to amend its sentence, as to give +precedency to the punishment on account of the offence against the king; +and Mr. Attorney-General for the queen, to pray the court it would not +be so far forgetful of her majesty's rights and dignity, as to establish +a precedent so destructive of both. I caught a glimpse of hope glancing +about the eyes of my brother Downright, who, waiting just long enough +to let the two advocates warm themselves over these points of law, arose +and moved the court for a stay of execution, on the plea that neither +sentence was legal--that delivered by my lord chief-justice containing +a contradiction, inasmuch as it ordered the decaudization to take place +between THE HOURS OF SUNRISE AND SUNSET, and also FORTHWITH; and that +delivered by Baron Longbeard, on account of its ordering the body to +be given up to dissection, contrary to the law, which merely made that +provision in the case of condemned MONIKINS, the prisoner at the bar +being entirely of another species. + +The court deemed all these objections serious, but decided on its own +incompetency to take cognizance of them. It was a question for the +twelve judges, who were now on the point of assembling, and to whom they +referred the whole affair on appeal. In the meantime, justice could not +be stayed. The prisoner must be carried out into the square, and matters +must proceed; but, should either of the points be finally determined +in his favor, he could have the benefit of it, so far as circumstances +would then allow. Hereupon the court rose, and the judges, counsel, and +clerks repaired in a body to the hall of the twelve judges. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. BETTER AND BETTER--MORE LAW AND MORE JUSTICE--TAILS AND +HEADS: THE IMPORTANCE OF KEEPING EACH IN ITS PROPER PLACE. + + +Noah was incontinently transferred to the place of execution, where +I promised to meet him in time to receive his parting sigh, curiosity +inducing me first to learn the issue on the appeal. The brigadier told +me in confidence, as we went to the other hall, that the affair was +now getting to be one of great interest; that hitherto it had been mere +boy's play, but it would in future require counsel of great reading and +research to handle the arguments, and that he flattered himself there +was a good occasion likely to present itself, for him to show what +monikin reason really was. + +The whole of the twelve wore tail-cases, and altogether they presented +a formidable array of intellectual development. As the cause of Noah was +admitted to be one of more than common urgency, after hearing only three +or four other short applications on behalf of the crown, whose rights +always have precedence on such occasions, the attorney-general of the +king was desired to open his case. + +The learned counsel spoke, in anticipation, to the objections of +both his adversaries, beginning with those of my brother Downright. +Forthwith, he contended, might be at any period of the twenty-four +hours, according to the actual time of using the term. Thus, forthwith +of a morning, would mean in the morning; forthwith at noon, would mean +at noon; and so on to the close of the legal day. Moreover, in a legal +signification, forthwith must mean between sunrise and sunset, the +statute commanding that all executions shall take place by the light +of the sun, and consequently the two terms ratified and confirmed each +other, instead of conveying a contradiction, or of neutralizing each +other, as would most probably be contended by the opposite counsel. + +To all this my brother Downright, as is usual on such occasions, +objected pretty much the converse. He maintained that ALL light +proceeded from the sun; and that the statute, therefore, could only mean +that there should be no executions during eclipses, a period when +the whole monikin race ought to be occupied in adoration. Forthwith, +moreover, did not necessarily mean forthwith, for forthwith meant +immediately; and "between sunrise and sunset" meant between sunrise and +sunset; which might be immediately, or might not. + +On this point the twelve judges decided, firstly, that forthwith did not +mean forthwith; secondly, that forthwith did mean forthwith; thirdly, +that forthwith had two legal meanings; fourthly, that it was illegal to +apply one of these legal meanings to a wrong legal purpose; and fifthly, +that the objection was of no avail, as respected the case of No. 1, +sea-water-color. Ordered, therefore, that the criminal lose his tail +forthwith. + +The objection to the other sentence met with no better fate. Men and +monikins did not differ more than some men differed from other men, or +some monikins differed from other monikins. Ordered, that the sentence +be confirmed, with costs. I thought this decision the soundest of the +two; for I had often had occasion to observe, that there were very +startling points of resemblance between monkeys and our own species. + +The contest now commenced between the two attorneys-general in earnest; +and, as the point at issue was a question of mere rank, it excited a +lively--I may say an engrossing--interest in all the hearers. It was +settled, however, after a vigorous discussion, in favor of the king, +whose royal dignity the twelve judges were unanimously of opinion was +entitled to precedency over that of the queen. To my great surprise, +my brother Downright volunteered an argument on this intricate point, +making an exceedingly clever speech in favor of the king's dignity, as +was admitted by every one who heard it. It rested chiefly on the point +that the ashes of the tail were, by the sentence, to be thrown into +the culprit's face. It is true this might be done physically after +decapitation, but it could not be done morally. This part of the +punishment was designed for a moral effect; and to produce that effect, +consciousness and shame were both necessary. Therefore the moral act +of throwing the ashes into the face of the criminal could only be done +while he was living, and capable of being ashamed. + +Meditation, chief-justice, delivered the opinion of the bench. It +contained the usual amount of legal ingenuity and logic, was esteemed +as very eloquent in that part which touched on the sacred and inviolable +character of the royal prerogatives (prerogativae as he termed them), +and was so lucid in pointing out the general inferiority of the +queen-consort, that I felt happy her majesty was not present to hear +herself and sex undervalued. As might have been expected, it allowed +great weight to the distinction taken by the brigadier. The decision +was in the following words, viz.: "Rex et Regina versus No. 1, +sea-water-color: ordered, that the officers of justice shall proceed +forthwith to decaudizate the defendant before they decapitate him; +provided he has not been forthwith decapitated before he can be +decaudizated." + +The moment this mandamus was put into the hands of the proper officer, +Brigadier Downright caught me by the knee, and led me out of the hall of +justice, as if both out lives depended on our expedition. I was about to +reproach him for having volunteered to aid the king's attorney-general, +when, seizing me by the root of the tail, for the want of a button-hole, +he said, with evident satisfaction: + +"Affairs go on swimmingly, my dear Sir John! I do not remember to have +been employed, for some years, in a more interesting litigation. Now +this cause, which, no doubt, you think is drawing to a close, has +just reached its pivot, or turning-point; and I see every prospect of +extricating our client with great credit to myself." + +"How! my brother Downright!" I interrupted; "the accused is finally +sentenced, if not actually executed!" + +"Not so fast, my good Sir John--not so fast, by any means. Nothing +is final in law, while there is a farthing to meet the costs, or the +criminal can yet gasp. I hold our case to be in an excellent way; +much better than I have deemed it at any time since the accused was +arraigned." + +Surprise left me no other power than that which was necessary to demand +an explanation. + +"All depends on the single fact, dear sir," continued my brother +Downright, "whether the head is still on the body of the accused or not. +Do you proceed, as fast as possible, to the place of execution; and, +should our client still have a head, keep up his spirits by a proper +religious discourse, always preparing him for the worst, for this is no +more than wisdom; but, the instant his tail is separated from his body, +run hither as fast as you can, to apprise me of the fact. I ask but two +things of you--speed in coming with the news, and perfect certainty that +the tail is not yet attached to the rest of the frame, by even a hair. A +hair often turns the scales of justice!" + +"The case seems desperate--would it not be as well for me to run down to +the palace, at once; demand an audience of their majesties, throw myself +on my knees before the royal pair, and implore a pardon?" + +"Your project is impracticable, for three sufficient reasons: firstly, +there is not time; secondly, you would not be admitted without a special +appointment; thirdly, there is neither a king nor a queen!" + +"No king in Leaphigh!" + +"I have said it." + +"Explain yourself, brother Downright, or I shall be obliged to refute +what you say, by the evidence of my own senses." + +"Your senses will prove to be false witnesses then. Formerly there was +a king in Leaphigh, and one who governed, as well as reigned. But the +nobles and grandees of the country, deeming it indecent to trouble his +majesty with affairs of state any longer, took upon themselves all +the trouble of governing, leaving to the sovereign the sole duty +of reigning. This was done in a way to save his feelings, under the +pretence of setting up a barrier to the physical force and abuses of the +mass. After a time, it was found inconvenient and expensive to feed and +otherwise support the royal family, and all its members were privately +shipped to a distant region, which had not yet got to be so far +advanced in civilization, as to know how to keep up a monarchy without a +monarch." + +"And does Leaphigh succeed in effecting this prodigy?" + +"Wonderfully well. By means of decapitations and decaudizations enough, +even greater exploits may be performed." + +"But am I to understand literally, brother Downright, there is no such +thing as a monarch in this country?" + +"Literally." + +"And the presentations?" + +"Are like these trials, to maintain the monarchy." + +"And the crimson curtains?--" + +"Conceal empty seats." + +"Why not, then, dispense with so much costly representation?" + +"In what way could the grandees cry out that the throne is in danger, if +there were no throne? It is one thing to have no monarch, and another +to have no throne. But all this time our client is in great jeopardy. +Hasten, therefore, and be particular to act as I have just instructed +you." + +I stopped to hear no more, but in a minute was flying towards the centre +of the square. It was easy enough to perceive the tail of my friend +waving over the crowd; but grief and apprehension had already rendered +his countenance so rueful, that, at the first glance, I did not +recognize his head. He was, however, still in the body; for, luckily for +himself, and more especially for the success of his principal counsel, +the gravity of his crimes had rendered unusual preparations +necessary for the execution. As the mandate of the court had not yet +arrived--justice being as prompt in Leaphigh as her ministers are +dilatory--two blocks were prepared, and the culprit was about to get +down on his hands and knees between them, just as I forced my way +through the crowd to his side. + +"Ah! Sir John, this is an awful predicament!" exclaimed the rebuked +Noah; "a ra'ally awful situation for a human Christian to have his +enemies lying athwart both bows and starn!" + +"While there is life there is hope; but it is always best to be +prepared for the worst--he who is thus prepared never can meet with a +disagreeable surprise. Messrs. Executioners"--for there were two, that +of the king, and that of the queen, or one at each end of the unhappy +criminal--"Messrs. Executioners, I pray you to give the culprit a moment +to arrange his thoughts, and to communicate his last requests in behalf +of his distant family and friends!" + +To this reasonable petition neither of the higher functionaries of the +law made any objection, although both insisted if they did not forthwith +bring the culprit to the last stages of preparation, they might lose +their places. They did not see, however, but a man might pause for a +moment on the brink of the grave. It would seem that there had been a +little misunderstanding between the executioners themselves on the point +of precedency, which had been one cause of the delay, and which had +been disposed of by an arrangement that both should operate at the same +instant. Noah was now brought down to his hands and knees, "moored head +and starn," as that unfeeling blackguard Bob, who was in the crowd, +expressed it, between the two blocks, his neck lying on one and his +tail on the other. While in this edifying attitude, I was permitted to +address him. + +"It may be well to bethink you of your soul, my dear captain," I said; +"for, to speak truth, these axes have a very prompt and sanguinary +appearance." + +"I know it, Sir John, I know it; and, not to mislead you, I will own +that I have been repenting with all my might, ever since that first +vardict. That affair of the lord high admiral, in particular, has given +me a good deal of consarn; and I now humbly ask your pardon for being +led away by such a miserable deception, which is all owing to that +riptyle Dr. Reasono, who, I hope, will yet meet with his desarts. I +forgive everybody, and hope everybody will forgive me. As for Miss Poke, +it will be a hard case; for she is altogether past expecting another +consort, and she must be satisfied to be a relic the rest of her days." + +"Repentance, repentance, my dear Noah--repentance is the one thing +needful for a man in your extremity." + +"I do--I do, Sir John, body and soul--I repent, from the bottom of my +heart, ever having come on this v'y'ge--nay, I don't know but I repent +ever having come outside of Montauk Point. I might, at this moment, have +been a school-master or a tavern-keeper in Stunnin'tun; and they are +both good wholesome berths, particularly the last. Lord love you! Sir +John, if repentance would do any good, I should be pardoned on the +spot." + +Here Noah caught a glimpse of Bob grinning in the crowd, and he asked of +the executioners, as a last favor, that they would have the boy brought +near, that he might take an affectionate leave of him. This reasonable +request was complied with, despite of poor Bob's struggles; and the +youngster had quite as good reasons for hearty repentance as the culprit +himself. Just at this trying moment the mandate for the order of the +punishments arrived, and the officials seriously declared that the +condemned must be prepared to meet his fate. + +The unflinching manner in which Captain Poke submitted to the mortal +process of decaudization extracted plaudits from, and awakened sympathy +in every monikin present. Having satisfied myself that the tail was +actually separated from the body, I ran, as fast as legs could carry +me, towards the hall of the twelve judges. My brother Downright, who was +impatiently expecting my appearance, instantly arose and moved the +bench to issue a mandamus for a stay of execution in the case of "Regina +versus Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color. By the statute of the 2d +of Longevity and Flirtilla, it was enacted, my lords," put in the +brigadier, "that in no case shall a convicted felon suffer loss of life, +or limb, while it can be established that he is non compos mentis. This +is also a rule, my lords, of common law--but being common sense and +common monikinity, it has been thought prudent to enforce it by an +especial enactment. I presume Mr. Attorney-General for the queen will +scarcely dispute the law of the case--" + +"Not at all, my lords--though I have some doubts as to the fact. The +fact remains to be established," answered the other, taking snuff. + +"The fact is certain, and will not admit of cavil. In the case of Rex +versus Noah Poke, the court ordered the punishment of decaudization to +take precedence of that of decapitation, in the case of Regina versus +the same. Process had been issued from the bench to that effect; the +culprit has, in consequence, lost his cauda, and with it his reason; a +creature without reason has always been held to be non compos mentis, +and by the law of the land is not liable to the punishments of life or +limb." + +"Your law is plausible, my brother Downright," observed my lord +chief-justice, "but it remains for the bench to be put in possession of +the facts. At the next term, you will perhaps be better prepared--" + +"I pray you, my lord, to remember that this is a case which will not +admit of three months' delay." + +"We can decide the principle a year hence, as well as to-day; and we +have now sat longer in banco," looking at his watch, "than is either +usual, agreeable, or expedient." + +"But, my lords, the proof is at hand. Here is a witness to establish +that the cauda of Noah Poke, the defendant of record, has actually been +separated from his body--" + +"Nay--nay--my brother Downright, a barrister of your experience must +know that the twelve can only take evidence on affidavit. If you had an +affidavit prepared, we might possibly find time to hear it, before we +adjourn; as it is, the affair must lie over to another sitting." + +I was now in a cold sweat, for I could distinctly scent the peculiar +odor of the burning tail; the ashes of which being fairly thrown into +Noah's face, there remained no further obstacle to the process of +decapitation--the sentence, it will be remembered, having kept his +countenance on his shoulders expressly for that object. My brother +Downright, however, was not a lawyer to be defeated by so simple a +stumbling-block. Seizing a paper that was already written over in a good +legal hand, which happened to be lying before him, he read it, without +pause or hesitation, in the following manner: + +"Regina versus Noah Poke." + +"Kingdom of Leaphigh, Season of Nuts, {Personally this fourth day of +the Moon.} appeared before me, Meditation, Lord Chief-Justice of the +Court of King's Bench, John Goldencalf, baronet, of the Kingdom of Great +Britain, who, being duly sworn, doth depose and say, viz., that he, the +said deponent, was present at, and did witness, the decaudization of the +defendant in this suit, and that the tail of the said Noah Poke, or No. 1, +sea-water-color, hath been truly and physically separated from his body. + +"--And further this deponent sayeth not. Signature, etc." + +Having read, in the most fluent manner, the foregoing affidavit, which +existed only in his own brain, my brother Downright desired the court to +take my deposition to its truth. + +"John Goldencalf, baronet," said the chief-justice, "you have heard what +has just been read; do you swear to its truth?" + +"I do." + +Here the affidavit was signed by both my lord chief-justice and myself, +and it was duly put on file. I afterwards learned that the paper used +by my brother Downright on this memorable occasion was no other than the +notes which the chief-justice himself had taken on one of the arguments +in the case in question, and that, seeing the names and title of the +cause, besides finding it no easy matter to read his own writing, that +high officer of the crown had, very naturally, supposed that all was +right. As to the rest of the bench, they were in too great a hurry to +go to dinner, to stop and read affidavits, and the case was instantly +disposed of, by the following decision: + +"Regina versus Noah Poke, etc. Ordered, that the culprit be considered +non compos mentis, and that he be discharged, on finding security to +keep the peace for the remainder of his natural life." + +An officer was instantly dispatched to the great square with this +reprieve, and the court rose. I delayed a little in order to enter into +the necessary recognizances in behalf of Noah, taking up at the same +time the bonds given the previous night, for his appearance to answer +to the indictments. These forms being duly complied with, my brother +Downright and myself repaired to the place of execution, in order to +congratulate our client--the former justly elated with his success, +which he assured me was not a little to the credit of his own education. + +We found Noah surprisingly relieved by his liberation from the hands +of the Philistines; nor was he at all backwards in expressing his +satisfaction at the unexpected turn things had taken. According to his +account of the matter, he did not set a higher value on his head than +another; still, it was convenient to have one; had it been necessary to +part with it, he made no doubt he should have submitted to do so like a +man, referring to the fortitude with which he had borne the amputation +of his cauda, as a proof of his resolution; for his part, he should take +very good care how he accused any one with having a memory, or anything +else, again, and he now saw the excellence of those wise provisions of +the laws, which cut up a criminal in order to prevent the repetition of +his offences; he did not intend to stay much longer on shore, believing +he should be less in the way of temptation on board the Walrus than +among the monikins; and, as for his own people, he was sure of soon +catching them on board again, for they had now been off their pork +twenty-four hours, and nuts were but poor grub for foremast hands, after +all; philosophers might say what they pleased about governments, but, +in his opinion, the only ra'al tyrant on 'arth was the belly; he did +not remember ever to have had a struggle with his belly--and he had a +thousand--that the belly didn't get the better; that it would be awkward +to lay down the title of lord high admiral, but it was easier to lay +down that than to lay down his head; that as for cauda, though it was +certainly agreeable to be in the fashion, he could do very well without +one, and when he got back to Stunnin'tun, should the worst come to the +worst, there was a certain saddler in the place who could give him +as good a fit as the one he had lost; that Miss Poke would have been +greatly scandalized, however, had he come home after decapitation; that +it might be well to sail for Leaplow as soon as convenient, for in that +country he understood bobs were in fashion, and he admitted that he +should not like to cruise about Leaphigh, for any great length of time, +unless he could look as other people look; for his part, he bore no one +a grudge, and he freely forgave everybody but Bob, out of whom, the Lord +willing, he proposed to have full satisfaction, before the ship should +be twenty-four hours at sea, etc., etc., etc. + +Such was the general tendency of the remarks of Captain Poke, as we +proceeded towards the port, where he embarked and went on board the +Walrus, with some eagerness, having learned that our rear-admirals and +post-captains had, indeed, yielded to the calls of nature, and had all +gone to their duty, swearing they would rather be foremast Jacks in a +well-victualled ship, than the king of Leaphigh upon nuts. + +The captain had no sooner entered the boat, taking his head with him, +than I began to make my acknowledgments to my brother Downright for the +able manner in which he had defended my fellow human being; paying, at +the same time, some well-merited compliments to the ingenious and truly +philosophical distinctions of the Leaphigh system of jurisprudence. + +"Spare your thanks and your commendations, I beg of you, good Sir John," +returned the brigadier, as we walked back towards my lodgings. "We did +as well as circumstances would allow; though our whole defence would +have been upset, had not the chief-justice very luckily been unable to +read his own handwriting. As for the principles and forms of the monikin +law--for in these particulars Leaplow is very much like Leaphigh--as you +have seen them displayed in these two suits, why, they are such as we +have. I do not pretend that they are faultless; on the contrary, I could +point out improvements myself--but we get on with them as well as +we can: no doubt, among men, you have codes that will better bear +examination." + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. A NEOPHYTE IN DIPLOMACY--DIPLOMATIC INTRODUCTION--A +CALCULATION--A SHIPMENT OF OPINIONS--HOW TO CHOOSE AN INVOICE, WITH AN +ASSORTMENT. + + +I now began seriously to think of sailing for Leaplow; for, I confess, +I was heartily tired of being thought the governor of His Royal Highness +Prince Bob, and pined to be restored once more to my proper place +in society. I was the more incited to make the change by the +representations of the brigadier, who assured me that it was sufficient +to come from foreign parts to be esteemed a nobleman in Leaplow, and +that I need not apprehend in his country any of the ill-treatment I had +received in the one in which I now was. After talking over the matter, +therefore, in a familiar way, we determined to repair at once to the +Leaplow legation, in order to ask for our passports, and to offer, at +the same time, to carry any dispatches that Judge People's Friend might +have prepared for his government--it being the custom of the +Leaplowers to trust to these godsends in carrying on their diplomatic +correspondence. + +We found the judge in undress, and a very different figure he cut, +certainly, from that which he made when I saw him the previous night at +court. Then he was all queue; now he was all bob. He seemed glad to see +us, however, and quite delighted when I told him of the intention to +sail for Leaplow, as soon as the wind served. He instantly asked a +passage for himself, with republican simplicity. + +There was to be another turn of the great and little wheels, he said, +and it was quite important to himself to be on the spot; for, although +everything was, beyond all question, managed with perfect republican +propriety, yet, somehow (and yet he did not know exactly how, but +SOMEHOW), those who are on the spot always get the best prizes. If I +could give him a passage, therefore, he would esteem it a great personal +favor; and I might depend on it, the circumstance would be well received +by the party. Although I did not very well understand what he meant by +this party, which was to view the act so kindly, I very cheerfully told +the judge that the apartments lately occupied by my lord Chatterino +and his friends were perfectly at his disposal. I was then asked when I +intended to sail; and the answer was, the instant the wind hauled, so we +could lay out of the harbor. It might be within half an hour. Hereupon +Judge People's Friend begged I would have the goodness to wait until he +could hunt up a charge d'affaires. His instructions were most peremptory +never to leave the legation without a charge d'affaires; but he would +just brush his bob, and run into the street, and look up one in five +minutes, if I would promise to wait so long. It would have been unkind +to refuse so trifling a favor, and the promise was given. The judge must +have run as fast as his legs would carry him; for, in about ten minutes, +he was back again, with a diplomatic recruit. He told me his heart had +misgiven him sadly. The three first to whom he offered the place had +plumply refused it, and, indeed, he did not know but he should have a +quarrel or two on his hands; but, at last, he had luckily found one who +could get nothing else to do, and he pinned him on the spot. + +So far everything had gone on swimmingly; but the new charge had, +most unfortunately, a very long cauda, a fashion that was inexorably +proscribed by the Leaplow usages, except in cases when the +representative went to court; for it seems the Leaplow political ethics, +like your country buck, has two dresses--one for every-day wear, and one +for Sundays. The judge intimated to his intended substitute, that it was +absolutely indispensable he should submit to an amputation, or he could +not possibly confer the appointment, queues being proscribed at home by +both public opinions, the horizontal and the perpendicular. To this the +candidate objected, that he very well knew the Leaplow usages on this +head, but that he had seen his excellency himself going to court with +a singularly apparent brush; and he had supposed from that, and from +sundry other little occurrences he did not care to particularize, that +the Leaplowers were not so bigoted in their notions but they could act +on the principle of doing at Rome as is done by the Romans. To this +the judge replied, that this principle was certainly recognized in all +things that were agreeable, and that he knew, from experience, how hard +it was to go in a bob, when all around him went in cauda; but that tails +were essentially anti-republican, and, as such, had been formally voted +down in Leaplow, where even the Great Sachem did not dare to wear one, +let him long for it as much as he would; and if it were known that +a public charge offended in this particular, although he might be +momentarily protected by one of the public opinions, the matter would +certainly be taken up by the opposition public opinion, and then the +people might order a new turn of the little wheel, which heaven it +knew! occurred now a great deal oftener than was either profitable or +convenient. + +Hereupon the candidate deliberately undid the fastenings and removed the +queue, showing, to our admiration, that it was false, and that he was, +after all neither more nor less than a Leaplower in masquerade; which, +by the way, I afterwards learned, was very apt to be the case with a +great many of that eminently original people, when they got without +the limits of their own beloved land. Judge People's Friend was now +perfectly delighted. He told us this was exactly what he could most +have wished for. "Here is a bob," said he, "for the horizontals and +perpendiculars, and there is a capital ready-made cauda for his +majesty and his majesty's first-cousin! A Leaphighized Leaplower, more +especially if there be a dash of caricature about him, is the very thing +in our diplomacy." Finding matters so much to his mind, the judge made +out the letter of appointment on the spot, and then proceeded to give +his substitute the usual instructions. + +"You are on all occasions," he said, "to take the utmost care not +to offend the court of Leaphigh, or the meanest of the courtiers, by +advancing any of our peculiar opinions, all of which, beyond dispute, +you have at your finger-ends; on this score, you are to be so +particular that you may even, in your own person, pro tempore, abandon +republicanism--yea, sacred republicanism itself!--knowing that it can +easily be resumed on your return home again. You are to remember there +is nothing so undiplomatic, or even vulgar, as to have an opinion on any +subject, unless it should be the opinion of the persons you may happen +to be in company with; and, as we have the reputation of possessing that +quality in an eminent degree, everywhere but at home, take especial heed +to eschew vulgarity--if you can. You will have the greatest care, also, +to wear the shortest bob in all your private, and the longest tail in +all your public relations, this being one of the most important of the +celebrated checks and balances of our government. Our institutions being +expressly formed by the mass, for the particular benefit of all, you +will be excessively careful not to let the claims of any one citizen, +or even any set of citizens, interfere with that harmony which it is +so necessary, for the purposes of trade, to maintain with all foreign +courts; which courts being accustomed themselves to consider their +subjects as cattle, to be worked in the traces of the state, are +singularly restive whenever they hear of any individual being made of so +much importance. Should any Leaplower become troublesome on this score, +give him a bad name at once; and in order to effect that object with +your own single-minded and right-loving countrymen, swear that he is +a disorganizer, and, my life on it, both public opinions at home will +sustain you; for there is nothing on which our public opinions agree +so well as the absolute deference which they pay to foreign public +opinions--and this the more especially, in all matters that are likely +to affect profits, by deranging commerce. You will, above all things, +make it a point to be in constant relations with some of the readiest +paragraph-writers of the newspapers, in order to see that facts are +properly stated at home. I would advise you to look out some foreigner, +who has never seen Leaplow, for this employment; one that is also paid +to write for the journals of Leapup, or Leapdown, or some other foreign +country; by which means you will be sure to get an impartial agent, or +one who can state things in your own way, who is already half paid for +his services, and who will not be likely to make blunders by meddling +with distinctive thought. When a person of this character is found, +let him drop a line now and then in favor of your own sagacity and +patriotism; and if he should say a pleasant thing occasionally about me, +it will do no harm, but may help the little wheel to turn more readily. +In order to conceal his origin, let your paragraph-agent use the +word OUR freely; the use of this word, as you know, being the only +qualification of citizenship in Leaplow. Let him begin to spell the word +O-U-R, and then proceed to pronounce it, and be careful that he does not +spell it H-O-U-R, which might betray his origin. Above all things, you +will be patriotic and republican, avoiding the least vindication of your +country and its institutions, and satisfying yourself with saying that +the latter are, at least, well suited to the former, if you should say +this in a way to leave the impression on your hearers, that you think +the former fitted for nothing else, it will be particularly agreeable +and thoroughly republican, and most eminently modest and praiseworthy. +You will find the diplomatic agents of all other states sensitive on the +point of their peculiar political usages, and prompt to defend them; +but this is a weakness you will rigidly abstain from imitating, for our +polity being exclusively based on reason, you are to show a dignified +confidence in the potency of that fundamental principle, nor in any way +lessen the high character that reason already enjoys, by giving any +one cause to suspect you think reason is not fully able to take care of +itself. With these leading hints, and your own natural tendencies, +which I am glad to see are eminently fitted for the great objects of +diplomacy--being ductile, imitative, yielding, calculating, and, above +all, of a foreign disposition--I think you will be able to get on very +cleverly. Cultivate, above all things, your foreign dispositions, for +you are now on foreign duty, and your country reposes on your shoulders +and eminent talents the whole burden of its foreign interests in this +part of the world." + +Here the judge closed his address, which was oral, apparently well +satisfied with himself and with his raw-hand in diplomacy. He then +said-- + +"That he would now go to court to present his substitute, and to take +leave himself; after which he would return as fast as possible, and +detain us no longer than was necessary to put his cauda in pepper, to +protect it against the moths; for heaven knew what prize he might draw +in the next turn of the little wheel!" + +We promised to meet him at the port, where a messenger just then +informed us Captain Poke had landed, and was anxiously waiting our +appearance. With this understanding we separated; the judge undertaking +to redeem all our promises paid in at the tavern, by giving his own in +their stead. + +The brigadier and myself found Noah and the cook bargaining for some +private adventures with a Leaphigh broker or two, who, finding that the +ship was about to sail in ballast, were recommending their wares to the +notice of these two worthies. + +"It would be a ra'al sin, Sir John," commenced the captain, "to neglect +an occasion like this to turn a penny. The ship could carry ten thousand +immigrants, and they say there are millions of them going over to +Leaplow; or it might stow half the goods in Aggregation. I'm resolved, +at any rate, to use my cabin privilege; and I would advise you, as +owner, to look out for suthin' to pay port-charges with, to say the +least." + +"The idea is not a bad one, friend Poke; but, as we are ignorant of the +state of the market on the other side, it might be well to consult some +inhabitant of the country about the choice of articles. Here is the +Brigadier Downright, whom I have found to be a monikin of experience and +judgment, and if you please, we will first hear what he has to say about +it." + +"I dabble very little in merchandise," returned the brigadier; "but, +as a general principle, I should say that no article of Leaphigh +manufacture would command so certain a market in Leaplow as opinions." + +"Have you any of these opinions for sale?" I inquired of the broker. + +"Plenty of them, sir, and of all qualities--from the very lowest to the +very 'ighest prices--those that may be had for next to nothing, to those +that we think a great deal of ourselves. We always keeps them ready +packed for exportation, and send wast invoices of them, hannually, to +Leaplow in particular. Opinions are harticles that help to sell each +other; and a ship of the tonnage of yours might stow enough, provided +they were properly assorted, to carry all before them for the season." + +Expressing a wish to see the packages, we were immediately led into an +adjoining warehouse, where, sure enough, there were goodly lots of +the manufactures in question. I passed along the shelves, reading the +inscriptions of the different packages. Pointing to several bundles +that had "Opinions on Free Trade" written on their labels, I asked the +brigadier what he thought of that article. + +"Why, they would have done better, a year or two since, when we were +settling a new tariff; but I should think there would be less demand for +them now." + +"You are quite right, sir," added the broker; "we did send large +invoices of them to Leaplow formerly, and they were all eagerly bought +up, the moment they arrived. A great many were dyed over again, and +sold as of 'ome manufacture. Most of these harticles are now shipped for +Leapup, with whom we have negotiations that give them a certain value." + +"'Opinions on Democracy, and on the Policy of Governments in General': I +should think these would be of no use in Leaplow?" + +"Why, sir, they goes pretty much hover the whole world. We sell powers +on 'em on hour own continent, near by, and a great many do go even to +Leaplow; though what they does with 'em there, I never could say, seeing +they are all government monikins in that queer country." + +An inquiring look extorted a clearer answer from the brigadier:-- + +"To admit the fact, we have a class among us who buy up these articles +with some eagerness. I can only account for it, by supposing they think +differing in their tastes from the mass, makes them more enlightened and +peculiar." + +"I'll take them all. An article that catches these propensities is sure +of sale. 'Opinions on Events': what can possibly be done with these?" + +"That depends a little on their classification," returned the brigadier. +"If they relate to Leaplow events, while they have a certain value, they +cannot be termed of current value; but if they refer to the events of +all the rest of the earth, take them for heaven's sake! for we trust +altogether to this market for our supplies." + +On this hint I ordered the whole lot, trusting to dispose of the least +fashionable by aid of those that were more in vogue. + +"'Opinions on Domestic Literature.'" + +"You may buy all he has; we use no other." + +"'Opinions on Continental Literature.'" + +"Why, we know little about the goods themselves--but I think a selection +might answer." + +I ordered the bale cut in two, and took one half, at a venture. + +"'Opinions of Leaplow Literature, From No. 1 up to No. 100.'" + +"Ah! it is proper I should explain," put in the broker, "that we has two +varieties of them 'ere harticles. One is the true harticle, as is got +up by our great wits and philosophers, they says, on the most approved +models; but the other is nothing but a sham harticle that is really +manufactured in Leaplow, and is sent out here to get hour stamp. That's +all--I never deceives a customer--both sell well, I hear, on the other +side, 'owever." + +I looked again at the brigadier, who quietly nodding assent, I took the +whole hundred bales. + +"'Opinions of the Institutions of Leaphigh.'" + +"Why, them 'ere is assorted, being of all sizes, forms, and colors. They +came coastwise, and are chiefly for domestic consumption; though I have +known 'em sent to Leaplow, with success." + +"The consumers of this article among us," observed the brigadier, "are +very select, and rarely take any but of the very best quality. But then +they are usually so well stocked, that I question if a new importation +would pay freight. Indeed, our consumers cling very generally to the +old fashions in this article, not even admitting the changes produced by +time. There was an old manufacturer called Whiterock, who has a sort +of Barlow-knife reputation among us, and it is not easy to get another +article to compete with his. Unless they are very antiquated, I would +have nothing to do with them." + +"Yes, this is all true, sir. We still sends to Leaplow quantities of +that 'ere manufacture; and the more hantiquated the harticle, the better +it sells; but then the new fashions has a most wonderful run at 'ome." + +"I'll stick to the real Barlow, through thick or thin. Hunt me up a +bale of his notions; let them be as old as the flood. What have we +here?--'opinions on the Institutions of Leaplow.'" + +"Take them," said the brigadier, promptly. + +"This 'ere gentleman has an hidear of the state of his own market," +added the broker, giggling. "Wast lots of these things go across +yearly--and I don't find that any on 'em ever comes back." + +"'Opinions on the State of Manners and Society in Leaplow.'" + +"I believe I'll take an interest in that article myself, Sir John, +if you can give me a ton or two between decks. Have you many of this +manufacture?" + +"Lots on 'em, sir--and they DO sell so! That 'ere are a good harticle +both at 'ome and abroad. My eye! how they does go off in Leaplow!" + +"This appears to be also your expectation, brigadier, by your readiness +to take an interest!" + +"To speak the truth, nothing sells better in our beloved country." + +"Permit me to remark that I find your readiness to purchase this and +the last article, a little singular. If I have rightly comprehended our +previous conversations, you Leaplowers profess to have improved not +only on the ancient principles of polity, but on the social condition +generally." + +"We will talk of this during the passage homewards, Sir John Goldencalf; +but, by your leave, I will take a share in the investment in 'Opinions +on the State of Society and Manners in Leaplow,' especially if they +treat at large on the deformities of the government, while they allow +us to be genteel. This is the true notch--some of these goods have been +condemned because the manufacturers hadn't sufficient skill in dyeing." + +"You shall have a share, brigadier. Harkee, Mr. Broker; I take it these +said opinions come from some very well-known and approved manufactory?" + +"All sorts, sir. Some good, and some good for nothing--everything +sells, 'owever. I never was in Leaplow, but we says over 'ere, that +the Leaplowers eat, and drink, and sleep on our opinions. Lord, sir, it +would really do your heart good to see the stuff, in these harticles, +that they does take from us without higgling!" + +"I presume, brigadier, that you use them as an amusement--as a means to +pass a pleasant hour, of an evening--a sort of moral segar?" + +"No, sir," put in the broker, "they doesn't smoke 'em, my word on't, or +they wouldn't buy 'em in such lots!" + +I now thought enough had been laid in on my own account, and I turned +to see what the captain was about. He was higgling for a bale marked +"Opinions on the Lost Condition of the Monikin Soul." A little curious +to know why he had made this selection, I led him aside, and frankly put +the question. + +"Why, to own the truth, Sir John," he said, "religion is an article that +sells in every market, in some shape or other. Now, we are all in the +dark about the Leaplow tastes and usages, for I always suspect a native +of the country to which I am bound, on such a p'int; and if the things +shouldn't sell there, they'll at least do at Stunnin'tun. Miss Poke +alone would use up what there is in that there bale, in a twelvemonth. +To give the woman her due, she's a desperate consumer of snuff and +religion." + +We had now pretty effectually cleared the shelves, and the cook, who +had come ashore to dispose of his slush, had not yet been able to get +anything. + +"Here is a small bale as come FROM Leaplow, and a pinched little thing +it is," said the broker, laughing; "it don't take at all, here, and it +might do to go 'ome again--at any rate, you will get the drawback. It is +filled with 'Distinctive Opinions of the Republic of Leaplow.'" The cook +looked at the brigadier, who appeared to think the speculation doubtful. +Still it was Hobson's choice; and, after a good deal of grumbling, +the doctor, as Noah always called his cook, consented to take the +"harticle," at half the prime cost. + +Judge People's Friend now came trotting down to the port, thoroughly en +republican, when we immediately embarked, and in half an hour, Bob was +kicked to Noah's heart's content, and the Walrus was fairly under way +for Leaplow. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. POLITICAL BOUNDARIES--POLITICAL RIGHTS--POLITICAL +SELECTIONS, AND POLITICAL DISQUISITIONS; WITH POLITICAL RESULTS. + + +The aquatic mile-stones of the monikin seas have been already mentioned; +but I believe I omitted to say, that there was a line of demarcation +drawn in the water, by means of a similar invention, to point out +the limits of the jurisdiction of each state. Thus, all within these +water-marks was under the laws of Leaphigh; all between them and those +of some other country, was the high seas; and all within those of +the other country, Leaplow for instance, was under the exclusive +jurisdiction of that other country. + +With a favorable wind, the Walrus could run to the watermarks in about +half a day; from thence to the water-marks of Leaplow was two days' +sail, and another half day was necessary to reach our haven. As we +drew near the legal frontiers of Leaphigh, several small fast-sailing +schooners were seen hovering just without the jurisdiction of the king, +quite evidently waiting our approach. One boarded us, just as the outer +edge of the spanker-boom got clear of the Leaphigh sovereignty. Judge +People's Friend rushed to the side of the ship, and before the crew of +the boat could get on deck, he had ascertained that the usual number of +prizes had been put into the little wheel. + +A monikin in a bob of a most pronounced character, or which appeared to +have been subjected to the second amputation, being what is called in +Leaplow a bob-upon-bob, now approached, and inquired if there were +any emigrants on board. He was made acquainted with our characters and +objects. When he understood that our stay would most likely be short, he +was evidently a little disappointed. + +"Perhaps, gentlemen," he added, "you may still remain long enough to +make naturalization desirable?" + +"It is always agreeable to be at home in foreign countries--but are +there no legal objections?" + +"I see none, sir--you have no tails, I believe?" + +"None but what are in our trunks. I did not know, however, but the +circumstance of our being of a different species might throw some +obstacles in the way." + +"None in the world, sir. We act on principles much too liberal for so +narrow an objection. You are but little acquainted with the institutions +and policy of our beloved and most happy country, I see, sir. This is +not Leaphigh, nor Leapup, nor Leapdown, nor Leapover, nor Leapthrough, +nor Leapunder; but good old, hearty, liberal, free and independent, most +beloved, happy, and prosperous beyond example, Leaplow. Species is of +no account under our system. We would as soon naturalize one animal as +another, provided it be a republican animal. I see no deficiency about +any of you. All we ask is certain general principles. You go on two +legs--" + +"So do turkeys, sir." + +"Very true--but you have no feathers." + +"Neither has a donkey." + +"All very right, gentlemen--you do not bray, however." + +"I will not answer for that," put in the captain, sending his leg +forwards in a straight line, in a way to raise an outcry in Bob, that +almost upset the Leaplower's proposition. + +"At all events, gentlemen," he observed, "there is a test that will put +the matter at rest, at once." + +He then desired us, in turn, to pronounce the word "our"--"OUR +liberties"--"OUR country"--"OUR firesides"--"OUR altars," Whoever +expressed a wish to be naturalized, and could use this word in the +proper manner, and in the proper place, was entitled to be a citizen. We +all did very well but the second mate, who, being a Herefordshire man, +could not, for the life of him, get any nearer to the Doric, in the +latter shibboleth, than "our halters." Now, it would seem that, in +carrying out a great philanthropic principle in Leaplow, halters had +been proscribed; for, whenever a rogue did anything amiss, it had been +discovered that, instead of punishing him for the offence, the true +way to remedy the evil was to punish the society against which he had +offended. By this ingenious turn, society was naturally made to look out +sharp how it permitted any one to offend it. This excellent idea is +like that of certain Dutchmen, who, when they cut themselves with an ax, +always apply salve and lint to the cruel steel, and leave the wound to +heal as fast as possible. + +To return to our examination: we all passed but the second mate, who +hung in his halter, and was pronounced to be incorrigible. Certificates +of naturalization were delivered on the spot, the fees were paid, and +the schooner left us. + +That night it blew a gale, and we had no more visitors until the +following morning. As the sun rose, however, we fell in with three +schooners, under the Leaplow flag, all of which seemed bound on errands +of life or death. The first that reached us sent a boat on board, and a +committee of six bob-upon-bobs hurried up our sides, and lost no time in +introducing themselves. I shall give their own account of their business +and characters. + +It would seem that they were what is called a "nominating committee" +of the Horizontals, for the City of Bivouac, the port to which we were +bound, where an election was about to take place for members of the +great National Council. Bivouac was entitled to send seven members; +and having nominated themselves, the committee were now in quest of +a seventh candidate to fill the vacancy. In order to secure the +naturalized interests, it had been determined to select as new a comer +as possible. This would also be maintaining the principle of liberality, +in the abstract. For this reason they had been cruising for a week, as +near as the law would allow to the Leaphigh boundaries, and they were +now ready to take any one who would serve. + +To this proposition I again objected the difference of species. Here +they all fairly laughed in my face, Brigadier Downright included, giving +me very distinctly to understand that they thought I had very contracted +notions on matters and things, to suppose so trifling an obstacle could +disturb the harmony and unity of a Horizontal vote. They went for a +principle, and the devil himself could not make them swerve from the +pursuit of so sacred an object. + +I then candidly admitted that nature had not fitted me, as admirably as +it had fitted my friend the judge, for the throwing of summersets; and I +feared that when the order was given "to go to the right about," I might +be found no better than a bungler. This staggered them a little; and I +perceived that they looked at each other in doubt. + +"But you can, at least, turn round suddenly, at need?" one of them +asked, after a pause. + +"Certainly, sir," I answered, giving ocular evidence that I was no idle +boaster, making a complete gyration on my heels, in very good time. + +"Very well!--admirably well!" they all cried in a breath. "The great +political essential is to be able to perform the evolutions in their +essence--the facility with which they are performed being no more than a +personal merit." + +"But, gentlemen, I know little more of your constitution and laws, than +I have learned in a few broken discussions with my fellow-travellers." + +"This is a matter of no moment, sir. Our constitution, unlike that of +Leaphigh, is written down, and he who runs can read; and then we have +a political fugleman in the house, who saves an immense deal of +unnecessary study and reflection to the members. All you will have to +do, will be to watch his movements; and, my life on it, you will go as +well through the manual exercise as the oldest member there." + +"How, sir, do all the members take the manoeuvres from this fugleman?" + +"All the Horizontals, sir--the Perpendiculars having a fugleman of their +own." + +"Well, gentlemen, I conceive this to be an affair in which I am no +judge, and I put myself entirely in the hands of my friends." + +This answer met with much commendation, and manifested, as they all +protested, great political capabilities; the statesman who submitted +all to his friends never failing to rise to eminence in Leaplow. The +committee took my name in writing and hastened back to their schooner, +in order to get into port to promulgate the nomination. These persons +were hardly off the deck, before another party came up the opposite side +of the ship. They announced themselves to be a nominating committee of +the Perpendiculars, on exactly the same errand as their opponents. They, +too, wished to propitiate the foreign interests, and were in search of +a proper candidate. Captain Poke had been an attentive listener to all +that occurred during the circumstances that preceded my nomination; and +he now stepped promptly forward, and declared his readiness to serve. As +there was quite as little squeamishness on one side as on the other, and +the Perpendicular committee, as it owned itself, was greatly pressed for +time, the Horizontals having the start of them, the affair was arranged +in five minutes, and the strangers departed with the name of NOAH +POKE, THE TRIED PATRIOT, THE PROFOUND JURIST, AND THE HONEST MONIKIN, +handsomely placarded on a large board--all but the name having been +carefully prepared in advance. + +When the committee were fairly out of the ship, Noah look me aside, +and made his apologies for opposing me in this important election. His +reasons were numerous and ingenious, and, as usual, a little discursive. +They might be summed up as follows: He never had sat in a parliament, +and he was curious to know how it would feel; it would increase the +respect of the ship's company, to find their commander of so much +account in a strange port; he had had some experience at Stunnin'tun by +reading the newspapers, and he didn't doubt of his abilities at all, +a circumstance that rarely failed of making a good legislator; the +congressman in his part of the country was some such man as himself, and +what was good for the goose was good for the gander; he knew Miss Poke +would be pleased to hear he had been chosen; he wondered if he should +be called the Honorable Noah Poke, and whether he should receive eight +dollars a day, and mileage from the spot where the ship then was; the +Perpendiculars might count on him, for his word was as good as his bond; +as for the constitution, he had got on under the constitution at +home, and he believed a man who could do that might get on under any +constitution; he didn't intend to say a great deal in parliament, but +what he did say he hoped might be recorded for the use of his children; +together with a great deal more of the same sort of argumentation and +apology. + +The third schooner now brought us to. This vessel sent another +committee, who announced themselves to be the representatives of a party +that was termed the Tangents. They were not numerous, but sufficiently +so to hold the balance whenever the Horizontals and the Perpendiculars +crossed each other directly at right angles, as was the case at present; +and they had now determined to run a single candidate of their own. +They, too, wished to fortify themselves by the foreign interest, as was +natural, and had come out in quest of a proper person. I suggested the +first mate; but against this Noah protested, declaring that come what +would, the ship must on no account be deserted. Time pressed; and, while +the captain and the subordinate were hotly disputing the propriety of +permitting the latter to serve, Bob, who had already tasted the sweets +of political importance, in his assumed character of prince-royal, +stepped slyly up to the committee, and gave in his name. Noah was too +much occupied to discover this well-managed movement; and by the time he +had sworn to throw the mate overboard if he did not instantly relinquish +all ambitious projects of this nature, he found that the Tangents were +off. Supposing they had gone to some other vessel, the captain allowed +himself to be soothed, and all went on smoothly again. + +From this time until we anchored in the bay of Bivouac, the tranquillity +and discipline of the Walrus were undisturbed. I improved the occasion +to study the constitution of Leaplow, of which the judge had a copy, +and to glean such information from my companions as I believed might +be useful in my future career. I thought how pleasant it would be for a +foreigner to teach the Leaplowers their own laws, and to explain to them +the application of their own principles! Little, however, was to be +got from the judge, who was just then too much occupied with some +calculations concerning the chances of the little wheel, with which he +had been furnished by a leading man of one of the nominating committees. + +I now questioned the brigadier touching that peculiar usage of his +country which rendered Leaphigh opinions concerning the Leaplow +institutions, society, and manners of so much value in the market of the +latter. To this I got but an indifferent answer, except it was to say, +that his countrymen, having cleared the interests connected with the +subjects from the rubbish of time, and set everything at work, on +the philosophical basis of reason and common sense, were exceedingly +desirous of knowing what other people thought of the success of the +experiment. + +"I expect to see a nation of sages, I can assure you, brigadier; one +in which even the very children are profoundly instructed in the great +truths of your system; and, as to the monikinas, I am not without dread +of bringing my theoretical ignorance in collision with their great +practical knowledge of the principles of your government." + +"They are early fed on political pap." + +"No doubt, sir, no doubt. How different must they be from the females of +other countries! Deeply imbued with the great distinctive principles +of your system, devoted to the education of their children in the same +sublime truths, and indefatigable in their discrimination, among the +meanest of their households!" + +"Hum!" + +"Now, sir, even in England, a country which I trust is not the most +debased on earth, you will find women, beautiful, intellectual, +accomplished and patriotic, who limit their knowledge of these +fundamental points to a zeal for a clique, and the whole of whose +eloquence on great national questions is bounded by a few heartfelt +wishes for the downfall of their opponents;--" + +"It is very much so at Stunnin'tun, too, if truth must be spoken," +remarked Noah, who had been a listener. + +"Who, instead of instructing the young suckers that cling to their sides +in just notions of general social distinctions, nurture their young +antipathies with pettish philippics against some luckless chief of the +adverse party;--" + +"Tis pretty much the same at Stunnin'tun, as I live!" + +"Who rarely study the great lessons of history in order to point out to +the future statesmen and heroes of the empire the beacons of crime, the +incentives for public virtue, or the charters of their liberties; but +who are indefatigable in echoing the cry of the hour, however false or +vulgar, and who humanize their attentive offspring by softly expressed +wishes that Mr. Canning, or some other frustrator of the designs of +their friends, were fairly hanged!" + +"Stunnin'tun, all over!" + +"Beings that are angels in form--soft, gentle, refined, and tearful +as the evening with its dews, when there is a question of humanity or +suffering; but who seem strangely transformed into she-tigers, whenever +any but those of whom they can approve attain to power; and who, instead +of entwining their soft arms around their husbands and brothers, to +restrain them from the hot strife of opinions, cheer them on by their +encouragement and throw dirt with the volubility and wit of fish-women." + +"Miss Poke, to the backbone!" + +"In short, sir, I expect to see an entirely different state of things at +Leaplow. There, when a political adversary is bespattered with mud, +your gentle monikinas, doubtless, appease anger by mild soothings of +philosophy, tempering zeal by wisdom, and regulating error by apt and +unanswerable quotations from that great charter which is based on the +eternal and immutable principles of right." + +"Well, Sir John, if you speak in this elocutionary manner in the house," +cried the delighted Noah, "I shall be shy of answering. I doubt, now, if +the brigadier himself could repeat all you have just said." + +"I have forgotten to inquire, Mr. Downright, a little about your Leaplow +constituency. The suffrage is, beyond question, confined to those +members of society who possess a 'social stake.'" + +"Certainly, Sir John, They who live and breathe." + +"Surely none vote but those who possess the money, and houses, and lands +of the country?" + +"Sir, you are altogether in error; all vote who possess ears, and eyes, +and noses, and bobs, and lives, and hopes, and wishes, and feelings, and +wants. Wants we conceive to be a much truer test of political fidelity, +than possessions." + +"This is novel doctrine, indeed! but it is in direct hostility to the +social-stake system." + +"You were never more right, Sir John, as respects your own theory, +or never more wrong as respects the truth. In Leaplow we contend--and +contend justly--that there is no broader or bolder fallacy than to +say that a representation of mere effects, whether in houses, lands, +merchandise, or money, is a security for a good government. Property +is affected by measures; and the more a monikin has, the greater is the +bribe to induce him to consult his own interests, although it should be +at the expense of those of everybody else." + +"But, sir, the interest of the community is composed of the aggregate of +these interests." + +"Your pardon, Sir John; nothing is composed of it, but the aggregate +of the interests of a class. If your government is instituted for their +benefit only, your social-stake system is all well enough; but if the +object be the general good, you have no choice but to trust its custody +to the general keeping. Let us suppose two men--since you happen to be +a man, and not a monikin--let us suppose two men perfectly equal in +morals, intelligence, public virtue and patriotism, one of whom shall be +rich and the other shall have nothing. A crisis arrives in the affairs +of their common country, and both are called upon to exercise their +franchise, on a question--as almost all great questions must--that +unavoidably will have some influence on property generally. Which would +give the most impartial vote--he who, of necessity, must be swayed by +his personal interest, or he who has no inducement of the sort to go +astray?" + +"Certainly he who has nothing to influence him to go wrong. But the +question is not fairly put--" + +"Your pardon, Sir John--it is put fairly as an abstract question, and +one that is to prove a principle. I am glad to hear you say that a man +would be apt to decide in this manner; for it shows his identity with +a monikin. We hold that all of us are apt to think most of ourselves on +such occasions." + +"My dear brigadier, do not mistake sophistry for reason. Surely, if +power belonged only to the poor--and the poor, or the comparatively +poor, always compose the mass--they would exercise it in a way to strip +the rich of their possessions." + +"We think not, in Leaplow. Cases might exist, in which such a state of +things would occur under a reaction; but reactions imply abuses, and are +not to be quoted to maintain a principle. He who was drunk yesterday, +may need an unnatural stimulus to-day; while he who is uniformly +temperate preserves his proper tone of body without recourse to a remedy +so dangerous. Such an experiment, under a strong provocation, might +possibly be made; but it could scarcely be made twice among any people, +and not even once among a people that submits in season to a just +division of its authority, since it is obviously destructive of a +leading principle of civilization. According to our monikin histories, +all the attacks upon property have been produced by property's grasping +at more than fairly belongs to its immunities. If you make political +power a concomitant of property, both may go together, certainly; but if +kept separate, the danger to the latter will never exceed the danger +in which it is put daily by the arts of the money-getters, who are, in +truth, the greatest foes of property, as it belongs to others." + +I remembered Sir Joseph Job, and could not but admit that the brigadier +had, at least, some truth on his side. + +"But do you deny that the sentiment of property elevates the mind, +ennobles, and purifies?" + +"Sir, I do not pretend to determine what may be the fact among men, +but we hold among monikins, that 'the love of money is the root of all +evil.'" + +"How, sir, do you account the education which is a consequence of +property as nothing?" + +"If you mean, my dear Sir John, that which property is most apt to +teach, we hold it to be selfishness; but if you mean that he who has +money, as a rule, will also have in formation to guide him aright, I +must answer, that experience, which is worth a thousand theories, tells +us differently. We find that on questions which are purely between those +who have, and those who have not, the HAVES are commonly united, and we +think this would be the fact if they were as unschooled as bears; but +on all other questions, they certainly do great discredit to education, +unless you admit that there are in every case TWO rights; for, with +us, the most highly educated generally take the two extremes of +every argument. I state this to be the fact with monikins, you will +remember--doubtless, educated men agree much better." + +"But, my good brigadier, if your position about the greater impartiality +and independence of the elector who is not influenced by his private +interests be true, a country would do well to submit its elections to a +body of foreign umpires." + +"It would indeed, Sir John, if it were certain these foreign umpires +would not abuse the power to their own particular advantage, if they +could have the feelings and sentiments which ennoble and purify a nation +far more than money, and if it were possible they could thoroughly +understand the character, habits, wants, and resources of another +people. As things are, therefore, we believe it is wisest to trust our +own elections to ourselves--not to a portion of ourselves, but to all of +ourselves." + +"Immigrants included," put in the captain. + +"Why, we do carry the principle well out in the case of gentlemen like +yourselves," returned the brigadier, politely, "but liberality is a +virtue. As a principle, Sir John, your idea of referring the choice +of our representatives to strangers has more merit than you probably +imagine, though, certainly, impracticable, for the reasons already +given. When we seek justice, we commonly look out for some impartial +judge. Such a judge is unattainable, however, in the matter of the +interests of a state, for the simple reason that power of this sort, +permanently wielded, would be perverted on a principle which, after +a most scrupulous analysis, we have been compelled to admit is +incorporated with the very monikin nature--viz., selfishness. I make +no manner of doubt that you men, however, are altogether superior to an +influence so unworthy?" + +Here I could only borrow the use of the brigadier's "Hum!" + +"Having ascertained that it would not do to submit the control of +our affairs to utter strangers, or to those whose interests are not +identified with our own, we set about seeing what could be done with +a selection from among ourselves. Here we were again met by that same +obstinate principle of selfishness; and we were finally driven to take +shelter in the experiment of intrusting the interests of all to the +management of all." + +"And, sir, are these the opinions of Leaphigh?" + +"Very far from it. The difference between Leaphigh and Leaplow is just +this: the Leaphighers, being an ancient people, with a thousand vested +interests, are induced, as time improves the mind, to seek reasons +for their facts; while we Leaplowers, being unshackled by any such +restraints, have been able to make an effort to form our facts on our +reasons." + +"Why do you, then, so much prize Leaphigh opinions on Leaplow facts?" + +"Why does every little monikin believe his own father and mother to be +just the two wisest, best, most virtuous, and discreetest old monikins +in the whole world, until time, opportunity, and experience show him his +error?" + +"Do you make no exceptions, then, in your franchise, but admit every +citizen who, as you say, has a nose, ears, bob, and wants, to the +exercise of the suffrage?" + +"Perhaps we are less scrupulous on this head than we ought to be, since +we do not make ignorance and want of character bars to the privilege. +Qualifications beyond mere birth and existence may be useful, but they +are badly chosen when they are brought to the test of purely material +possessions. This practice has arisen in the world from the fact that +they who had property had power, and not because they ought to have it." + +"My dear brigadier, this is flying in the face of all experience." + +"For the reason just given, and because all experience has hitherto +commenced at the wrong end. Society should be constructed as you erect a +house; not from the roof down, but from the foundation upwards." + +"Admitting, however, that your house has been badly constructed at +first, in repairing it, would you tear away the walls at random, at the +risk of bringing all down about your ears?" + +"I would first see that sufficient props were reared, and then proceed +with vigor, though always with caution. Courage in such an experiment +is less to be dreaded than timidity. Half the evils of life, social, +personal and political, are as much the effects of moral cowardice as of +fraud." + +I then told the brigadier, that as his countrymen rejected the +inducements of property in the selection of the political base of their +social compact, I expected to find a capital substitute in virtue. + +"I have always heard that virtue is the great essential of a free +people, and doubtless you Leaplowers are perfect models in this +important particular?" + +The brigadier smiled before he answered me, first looking about to the +right and left, as if to regale himself with the odor of perfection. + +"Many theories have been broached on these subjects," he replied, "in +which there has been some confusion between cause and effect. Virtue is +no more a cause of freedom, except as it is connected with intelligence, +than vice is a cause of slavery. Both may be consequences, but it is not +easy to say how either is necessarily a cause. There is a homely saying +among us monikins, which is quite to the point in this matter: 'Set a +rogue to catch a rogue.' Now, the essence of a free government is to +be found in the responsibility of its agents. He who governs without +responsibility is a master, while he who discharges the duties of a +functionary under a practical responsibility is a servant. This is the +only true test of governments, let them be mystified as they may +in other respects. Responsibility to the mass of the nation is the +criterion of freedom. Now responsibility is the SUBSTITUTE for virtue in +a politician, as discipline is the substitute for courage in a soldier. +An army of brave monikins without discipline, would be very apt to be +worsted by an army of monikins of less natural spirit, with discipline. +So a corps of originally virtuous politicians, without responsibility, +would be very apt to do more selfish, lawless, and profligate acts, +than a corps of less virtue, who were kept rigidly under the rod of +responsibility. Unrestrained power is a great corrupter of virtue, of +itself; while the liabilities of a restrained authority are very apt to +keep it in check. At least, such is the fact with us monikins--men very +possibly get along better." + +"Let me tell you, Mr. Downright, you are now uttering opinions that are +diametrically opposed to those of the world, which considers virtue an +indispensable ingredient in a republic." + +"The world--meaning always the monikin world--knows very little about +real political liberty, except as a theory. We of Leaplow are, in +effect, the only people who have had much to do with it, and I am now +telling you what is the result of my own observation, in my own country. +If monikins were purely virtuous, there would be no necessity for +government at all; but, being what they are, we think it wisest to set +them to watch each other." + +"But yours is self-government, which implies self-restraint; and +self-restraint is but another word for virtue." + +"If the merit of our system depended on self-government, in your +signification, or on self-restraint, in any signification, it would not +be worth the trouble of this argument, Sir John Goldencalf. This is one +of those balmy fallacies with which ill-judging moralists endeavor to +stimulate monikins to good deeds. Our government is based on a directly +opposite principle; that of watching and restraining each other, instead +of trusting to our ability to restrain ourselves. It is the want of +responsibility, and not of constant and active presence, which infers +virtue and self-control. No one would willingly lay legal restraints +on himself in anything, while all are very happy to restrain their +neighbors. This refers to the positive and necessary rules of +intercourse, and the establishment of rights; as to mere morality, laws +do very little towards enforcing its ordinances. Morals usually come +of instruction; and when all have political power, instruction is a +security that all desire." + +"But when all vote, all may wish to abuse their trust to their own +especial advantage, and a political chaos will be the consequence." + +"Such a result is impossible, except as especial advantage is identified +with general advantage. A community can no more buy itself in this +manner, than a monikin can eat himself, let him be as ravenous as +he will. Admitting that all are rogues, necessity would compel a +compromise." + +"You make out a plausible theory, and I have little doubt that I shall +find you the wisest, the most logical, the discreetest, and the most +consistent community I have yet visited. But another word: how is +it that our friend the judge gave such equivocal instructions to +his charge; and why, in particular, did he lay so much stress on the +employment of means, which gave the lie flatly to all you have told me?" + +Brigadier Downright hereupon stroked his chin, and observed that he +thought there might possibly be a shift of wind; and he also wondered +(quite audibly), when we should make the land. I afterwards persuaded +him to allow that a monikin was but a monikin, after all, whether he had +the advantages of universal suffrage, or lived under a despot. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. AN ARRIVAL--AN ELECTION--ARCHITECTURE--A ROLLING-PIN, AND +PATRIOTISM OF THE MOST APPROVED WATER. + + +In due time the coast of Leaplow made its appearance, close under our +larboard bow. So sudden was our arrival in this novel and extraordinary +country, that we were very near running on it, before we got a glimpse +of its shores. The seamanship of Captain Poke, however, stood us in +hand; and, by the aid of a very clever pilot, we were soon safely moored +in the harbor of Bivouac. In this happy land, there was no registration, +no passports, "no nothin'"--as Mr. Poke pointedly expressed it. The +formalities were soon observed, although I had occasion to remark, how +much easier, after all, it is to get along in this world with vice than +with virtue. A bribe offered to a custom-house officer was refused; +and the only trouble I had, on the occasion, arose from this awkward +obtrusion of a conscience. However, the difficulty was overcome, though +not quite as easily as if douceurs had happened to be in fashion; and we +were permitted to land with all our necessary effects. + +The city of Bivouac presented a singular aspect as I first put foot +within its hallowed streets. The houses were all covered with large +placards, which, at first, I took to be lists of the wares to be vended, +for the place is notoriously commercial; but which, on examination, I +soon discovered were merely electioneering handbills. The reader will +figure to himself my pleasure and surprise, on reading the first that +offered. It ran as follows: + +"HORIZONTAL NOMINATION. + +"Horizontal-Systematic-Indoctrinated-Republicans: Attention! + +"Your sacred rights are in danger; your dearest liberties are menaced; +your wives and children are on the point of dissolution; the infamous +and unconstitutional position that the sun gives light by day, and the +moon by night, is openly and impudently propagated, and now is the only +occasion that will probably ever offer to arrest an error so pregnant +with deception and domestic evils. We present to your notice a suitable +defender of all those near and dear interests, in the person of, + +"JOHN GOLDENCALF, + +"the known patriot, the approved legislator, the profound philosopher, +the incorruptible statesman. To our adopted fellow-citizens we need +not recommend Mr. Goldencalf, for he is truly one of themselves; to the +native citizens we will only say, 'Try him, and you will be more than +satisfied.'" + +I found this placard of great use, for it gave me the first information +I had yet had of the duty I was expected to perform in the coming +session of the great council; which was merely to demonstrate that the +moon gave light by day, and that the sun gave light by night. Of course, +I immediately set about, in my own mind, hunting up the proper arguments +by which this grave political hypothesis was to be properly maintained. +The next placard was in favor of, + +"NOAH POKE," + +"the experienced navigator, who will conduct the ship of state into +the haven of prosperity--the practical astronomer who knows by frequent +observations, that lunars are not to be got in the dark." + +"Perpendiculars, be plumb, and lay your enemies on their backs!" + +After this I fell in with-- + +"THE HONORABLE ROBERT SMUT," + +"is confidently recommended to all their fellow-citizens by the +nominating committee of the Anti-Approved-Sublimated-Politico-Tangents, +as the real gentleman, a ripe scholar, [Footnote: I afterwards found +this was a common phrase in Leaplow, being uniformly applied to every +monikin who wore spectacles.] an enlightened politician, and a sound +Democrat." + +"But I should fill the manuscript with nothing else, were I to record +a tithe of the commendations and abuse that were heaped on us all, by a +community to whom, as yet, we were absolutely strangers. A single sample +of the latter will suffice." + +"AFFIDAVIT." + +"Personally appeared before me, John Equity, justice of the peace, Peter +Veracious, etc., etc., who, being duly sworn upon the Holy Evangelists, +doth depose and say, viz.: That he was intimately acquainted with one +John Goldencalf in his native country, and that he is personally knowing +to the fact that he, the said John Goldencalf, has three wives, seven +illegitimate children, is moreover a bankrupt without character, and +that he was obliged to emigrate in consequence of having stolen a +sheep." + +"Sworn, etc." + +"(Signed,) PETER VERACIOUS." + +I naturally felt a little indignant at this impudent statement, and was +about to call upon the first passer-by for the address of Mr. Veracious, +when the skirts of my skin were seized by one of the Horizontal +nominating committee, and I was covered with congratulations on my being +happily elected. Success is an admirable plaster for all wounds, and I +really forgot to have the affair of the sheep and of the illegitimate +children inquired into; although I still protest, that had fortune been +less propitious, the rascal who promulgated this calumny would have been +made to smart for his temerity. In less than five minutes it was the +turn of Captain Poke. He, too, was congratulated in due form; for, as +it appeared, the "immigrant interest," as Noah termed it, had actually +carried a candidate on each of the two great opposing tickets. Thus +far, all was well; for, after sharing his mess so long, I had not the +smallest objection to sit in the Leaplow parliament with the worthy +sealer; but our mutual surprise, and I believe I might add, indignation, +were a good deal excited, by shortly encountering a walking notice, +which contained a programme of the proceedings to be observed at the +"Reception of the Honorable Robert Smut." + +It would seem that the Horizontals and the Perpendiculars had made +so many spurious and mystified ballots, in order to propitiate the +Tangents, and to cheat each other, that this young blackguard +actually stood at the head of the poll!--a political phenomenon, as I +subsequently discovered, however, by no means of rare occurrence in the +Leaplow history of the periodical selection of the wisest and best. + +There was certainly an accumulation of interest on arriving in a strange +land, to find one's self both extolled and vituperated on most of the +corners in its capital, and to be elected to its parliament, all in the +same day. Still, I did not permit myself to be either so much elated or +so much depressed, as not to have all my eyes about me, in order to get +as correctly as possible, and as quickly as possible, some insight into +the characters, tastes, habits, wishes, and wants of my constituents. + +I have already declared that it is my intention to dwell chiefly on the +moral excellences and peculiarities of the people of the monikin world. +Still I could not walk through the streets of Bivouac without observing +a few physical usages, that I shall mention, because they have an +evident connection with the state of society, and the historical +recollections of this interesting portion of the polar region. + +In the first place, I remarked that all sorts of quadrupeds are just +as much at home in the promenades of the town, as the inhabitants +themselves, a fact that I make no doubt has some very proper connection +with that principle of equal rights on which the institutions of the +country are established. In the second place, I could not but see that +their dwellings are constructed on the very minimum of base, propping +each other, as emblematic of the mutual support obtained by the +republican system, and seeking their development in height for the want +of breadth; a singularity of customs that I did not hesitate at once to +refer to a usage of living in trees, at an epoch not very remote. In +the third place, I noted, instead of entering their dwellings near the +ground like men, and indeed like most other unfledged animals, that they +ascend by means of external steps to an aperture about half-way between +the roof and the earth, where, having obtained admission, they go up or +down within the building, as occasion requires. This usage, I made no +question, was preserved from the period (and that, too, no distant one), +when the savage condition of the country induced them to seek protection +against the ravages of wild beasts, by having recourse to ladders, which +were drawn up after the family into the top of the tree, as the sun sank +beneath the horizon. These steps or ladders are generally of some white +material, in order that they may, even now, be found in the dark, should +the danger be urgent; although I do not know that Bivouac is a more +disorderly or unsafe town than another, in the present day. But habits +linger in the usages of a people, and are often found to exist as +fashions, long after the motive of their origin has ceased and been +forgotten. As a proof of this, many of the dwellings of Bivouac have +still enormous iron chevaux-de-frise before the doors, and near the base +of the stone-ladders; a practice unquestionably taken from the original, +unsophisticated, domestic defences of this wary and enterprising race. +Among a great many of these chevaux-de-frise, I remarked certain iron +images, that resemble the kings of chess-men, and which I took, at +first, to be symbols of the calculating qualities of the owners of the +mansions--a species of republican heraldry--but which the brigadier told +me, on inquiry, were no more than a fashion that had descended from the +custom of having stuffed images before the doors, in the early days of +the settlement, to frighten away the beasts at night, precisely as we +station scarecrows in a corn-field. Two of these well-padded sentinels, +with a stick stuck up in a fire-lock attitude, he assured me, had often +been known to maintain a siege of a week, against a she-bear and a +numerous family of hungry cubs, in the olden times; and, now that the +danger was gone, he presumed the families which had caused these iron +monuments to be erected, had done so to record some marvellous risks +of this nature, from which their forefathers had escaped by means of so +ingenious an expedient. + +Everything in Bivouac bears the impress of the sublime principle of the +institutions. The houses of the private citizens, for instance, overtop +the roofs of all the public edifices, to show that the public is merely +a servant of the citizen. Even the churches have this peculiarity, +proving that the road to heaven is not independent of the popular will. +The great Hall of Justice, an edifice of which the Bivouackers are +exceedingly proud, is constructed in the same recumbent style, the +architect, with a view to protect himself from the imputation of +believing that the firmament was within reach of his hand, having taken +the precaution to run up a wooden finger-board from the centre of the +building, which points to the place where, according to the notions of +all other people, the ridge of the roof itself should have been raised. +So very apparent was this peculiarity, Noah observed, that it seemed to +him as if the whole "'arth" had been rolled down by a great political +rolling-pin, by way of giving the country its finishing touch. + +While making these remarks, one drew near at a brisk trot, who, Mr. +Downright observed, eagerly desired our acquaintance. Surprised at his +pretending to know such a fact without any previous communication, I +took the liberty of asking why he thought that we were the particular +objects of the other's haste. + +"Simply because you are fresh arrivals. This person is one of a +sufficiently numerous class among us, who, devoured by a small ambition, +seek notoriety--which, by the way, they are near obtaining in more +respects than they probably desire--by obtruding themselves on every +stranger who touches our shore. Theirs is not a generous and frank +hospitality that would fain serve others, but an irritable vanity that +would glorify themselves. The liberal and enlightened monikin is easily +to be distinguished from all of this clique. He is neither ashamed of, +nor bigoted in favor of any usages, simply because they are domestic. +With him the criterions of merit are propriety, taste, expediency, and +fitness. He distinguishes, while these crave; he neither wholly rejects, +nor wholly lives by, imitation, but judges for himself, and uses his +experience as a respectable and useful guide; while these think that all +they can attain that is beyond the reach of their neighbors, is, as a +matter of course, the sole aim of life. Strangers they seek, because +they have long since decreed that this country, with its usages, its +people, and all it contains, being founded on popular rights, is all +that is debased and vulgar, themselves and a few of their own particular +friends excepted; and they are never so happy as when they are gloating +on, and basking in, the secondary refinements of what we call the 'old +region.' Their own attainments, however, being pretty much godsends, or +such as we all pick up in our daily intercourse, they know nothing of +any foreign country but Leaphigh, whose language we happen to speak; +and, as Leaphigh is also the very beau ideal of exclusion, in its +usages, opinions, and laws, they deem all who come from that part of the +earth, as rather more entitled to their profound homage than any other +strangers." + +Here Judge People's Friend, who had been vigorously pumping the +nominating committee on the subject of the chances of the little wheel, +suddenly left us, with a sneaking, self-abased air, and with his nose to +the ground, like a dog who has just caught a fresh scent. + +The next time we met with the ex-envoy, he was in mourning for some +political backsliding that I never comprehended. He had submitted to a +fresh amputation of the bob, and had so thoroughly humbled the seat +of reason, that it was not possible for the most envious and malignant +disposition to fancy he had a particle of brains left. He had, moreover, +caused every hair to be shaved off his body, which was as naked as the +hand, and altogether he presented an edifying picture of penitence +and self-abasement. I afterwards understood that this purification was +considered perfectly satisfactory, and that he was thought to be, again, +within the limits of the most patriotic patriots. + +In the meantime the Bivouacker had approached me, and was introduced as +Mr. Gilded Wriggle. + +"Count Poke de Stunnin'tun, my good sir," said the brigadier, who +was the master of ceremonies on this occasion, "and the Mogul +Goldencalf--both noblemen of ancient lineage, admirable privileges, +and of the purest water; gentlemen who, when they are at home, have six +dinners daily, always sleep on diamonds, and whose castles are none of +them less than six leagues in extent." + +"My friend General Downright has taken too much pains, gentlemen," +interrupted our new acquaintance, "your rank and extraction being +self-evident. Welcome to Leaplow! I beg you will make free with my +house, my dog, my cat, my horse, and myself. I particularly beg that +your first, your last, and all the intermediate visits, will be to me. +Well, Mogul, what do you really think of us? You have now been on shore +long enough to have formed a pretty accurate notion of our institutions +and habits. I beg you will not judge of all of us by what you see in the +streets--" + +"It is not my intention, sir." + +"You are cautious, I perceive? We are in an awful condition, I confess; +trampled on by the vulgar, and far--very far from being the people +that, I dare say, you expected to see. I couldn't be made the assistant +alderman of my ward, if I wished it, sir--too much jacobism; the people +are fools, sir; know nothing, sir; not fit to rule themselves, much less +their betters, sir. Here have a set of us, some hundreds in this very +town, been telling them what fools they are, how unfit they are to +manage their own affairs, and how fast they are going to the devil, any +time these twenty years, and still we have not yet persuaded them to +entrust one of us with authority! To say the truth, we are in a most +miserable condition, and, if anything COULD ruin this country, democracy +would have ruined it just thirty-five years ago." + +Here the wailings of Mr. Wriggle were interrupted by the wailings of +Count Poke de Stunnin'tun. The latter, by gazing in admiration at the +speaker, had inadvertently struck his toe against one of the forty-three +thousand seven hundred and sixty inequalities of the pavement (for +everything in Leaplow is exactly equal, except the streets and +highways), and fallen forwards on his nose. I have already had occasion +to allude to the sealer's readiness in using opprobrious epithets. This +contre-temps happened in the principal street of Bivouac, or in what +is called the Wide-path, an avenue of more than a league in extent; but +notwithstanding its great length, Noah took it up at one end and abused +it all the way to the other, with a precision, fidelity, rapidity and +point, that excited general admiration. "It was the dirtiest, worst +paved, meanest, vilest, street he had ever seen, and if they had it at +Stunnin'tun, instead of using it as a street at all, they would fence +it up at each end, and turn it into a hog-lot." Here Brigadier Downright +betrayed unequivocal signs of alarm. Drawing us aside, he vehemently +demanded of the captain if he were mad, to berate in this unheard-of +manner the touchstone of Bivouac sentiment, nationality, taste, +and elegance! This street was never spoken of except by the use of +superlatives; a usage, by the way, that Noah himself had by no means +neglected. It was commonly thought to be the longest and the shortest, +the widest and the narrowest, the best built and the worst built avenue +in the universe. "Whatever you say or do," he continued, "whatever you +think or believe, never deny the superlatives of the Wide-path. If asked +if you ever saw a street so crowded, although there be room to wheel a +regiment, swear it is stifling; if required to name another promenade +so free from interruption, protest, by your soul, that the place is a +desert! Say what you will of the institutions of the country--" + +"How!" I exclaimed; "of the sacred rights of monikins?" + +"Bedaub them, and the mass of the monikins, too, with just as much +filth as you please. Indeed, if you wish to circulate freely in genteel +society, I would advise you to get a pretty free use of the words, +'jacobins,' 'rabble,' 'mob,' 'agrarians,' 'canaille' and 'democrats'; +for they recommend many to notice who possess nothing else. In our happy +and independent country it is a sure sign of lofty sentiment, a finished +education, a regulated intellect, and a genteel intercourse, to know how +to bespatter all that portion of your fellow-creatures, for instance, +who live in one-story edifices." + +"I find all this very extraordinary, your government being professedly a +government of the mass!" + +"You have intuitively discovered the reason--is it not fashionable to +abuse the government everywhere? Whatever you do, in genteel life, ought +to be based on liberal and elevated principles; and therefore, abuse all +that is animate in Leaplow, the present company, with their relatives +and quadrupeds, excepted; but do not raise your blaspheming tongue +against anything that is inanimate! Respect, I entreat of you, the +houses, the trees, the rivers, the mountains, and, above all, in +Bivouac, respect the Wide-path! We are a people of lively sensibilities, +and are tender of the reputations of even our stocks and stones. Even +the Leaplow philosophers are all of a mind on this subject." + +"King!" + +"Can you account for this very extraordinary peculiarity, brigadier?" + +"Surely you cannot be ignorant that all which is property is sacred! +We have a great respect for property, sir, and do not like to hear our +wares underrated. But lay it on the mass so much the harder, and you +will only be thought to be in possession of a superior and a refined +intelligence." + +Here we turned again to Mr. Wriggle, who was dying to be noticed once +more. + +"Ah! gentlemen, last from Leaphigh!"--he had been questioning one of our +attendants--"how comes on that great and consistent people?" + +"As usual, sir;--great and consistent." + +"I think, however, we are quite their equals, eh?--chips of the same +blocks?" + +"No, sir--blocks of the same chips." + +Mr. Wriggle laughed, and appeared pleased with the compliment; and I +wished I had even laid it on a little thicker. + +"Well, Mogul, what are our great forefathers about? Still pulling to +pieces that sublime fabric of a constitution, which has so long been the +wonder of the world, and my especial admiration?" + +"They are talking of changes, sir, although I believe they have effected +no great matter. The primate of all Leaphigh, I had occasion to remark, +still has seven joints to his tail." + +"Ah! they are a wonderful people, sir!" said Wriggle, looking ruefully +at his own bob, which, as I afterwards understood, was a mere natural +abortion. "I detest change, sir; were I a Leaphigher, I would die in my +tail!" + +"One for whom nature has done so much in this way, is to be excused a +little enthusiasm." + +"A most miraculous people, sir--the wonder of the world--and their +institutions are the greatest prodigy of the times!" + +"That is well remarked, Wriggle," put in the brigadier; "for they have +been tinkering them, and altering them, any time these five hundred and +fifty years, and still they remain precisely the same!" + +"Very true, brigadier, very true--the marvel of our times! But, +gentlemen, what do you indeed think of us? I shall not let you off with +generalities. You have now been long enough on shore to have formed some +pretty distinct notions about us, and I confess I should be glad to hear +them. Speak the truth with candor--are we not most miserable, forlorn, +disreputable devils, after all?" + +I disclaimed the ability to judge of the social condition of a people on +so short an acquaintance; but to this Mr. Wriggle would not listen. +He insisted that I must have been particularly disgusted with the +coarseness and want of refinement in the rabble, as he called the mass, +who, by the way, had already struck me as being relatively much the +better part of the population, so far as I had seen things--more than +commonly decent, quiet, and civil. Mr. Wriggle, also, very earnestly and +piteously begged I would not judge of the whole country by such samples +as I might happen to fall in with in the highways. + +"I trust, Mogul, you will have charity to believe we are not all of us +quite so bad as appearances, no doubt, make us in your polished eyes. +These rude beings are spoiled by our jacobinical laws; but we have a +class, sir, that IS different. But, if you will not touch on the people, +how do you like the town, sir? A poor place, no doubt, after your own +ancient capitals?" + +"Time will remedy all that, Mr. Wriggle." + +"Do you then think we really want time? Now, that house at the corner, +there, to my taste is fit for a gentleman in any country--eh?" + +"No doubt, sir, fit for one." + +"This is but a poor street in the eyes of you travellers, I know, this +Wide-path of ours; though we think it rather sublime?" + +"You do yourself injustice, Mr. Wriggle; though not equal to many of +the---" + +"How, sir, the Wide-path not equal to anything on earth! I know several +people who have been in the old world [so the Leaplowers call the +regions of Leaphigh, Leapup, Leapdown, etc.] and they swear there is not +as fine a street in any part of it. I have not had the good fortune to +travel, sir; but, sir, permit me, sir, to say, sir, that some of them, +sir, that HAVE travelled, sir, think, sir, the Wide-path, the most +magnificent public avenue, sir, that their experienced eyes ever beheld, +sir--yes, sir, that their very experienced eyes ever beheld, sir." + +"I have seen so little of it, as yet, Mr. Wriggle, that you will pardon +me if I have spoken hastily." + +"Oh! no offence--I despise the monikin who is not above local vanities +and provincial admiration! You ought to have seen that, sir, for I +frankly admit, sir, that no rabble can be worse than ours, and that +we are all going to the devil, as fast as ever we can. No, sir, a most +miserable rabble, sir.--But as for this street, and our houses, and our +cats, and our dogs, and certain exceptions--you understand me, sir--it +is quite a different thing. Pray, Mogul, who is the greatest personage, +now, in your nation?" + +"Perhaps I ought to say the Duke of Wellington, sir." + +"Well, sir, allow me to ask if he lives in a better house than that +before us?--I see you are delighted, eh? We are a poor, new nation of +pitiful traders, sir, half savage, as everybody knows; but we DO flatter +ourselves that we know how to build a house! Will you just step in +and see a new sofa that its owner bought only yesterday--I know him +intimately, and nothing gives me so much pleasure as to show his new +sofa." + +I declined the invitation on the plea of fatigue, and by this means got +rid of so troublesome an acquaintance. On leaving me, however, he begged +that I would not fail to make his house my home, swore terribly at the +rabble, and invited me to admire a very ordinary view that was to be +obtained by looking up the Wide-path in a particular direction, but +which embraced his own abode. When Mr. Wriggle was fairly out of +earshot, I demanded of the brigadier if Bivouac, or Leaplow, contained +many such prodigies. + +"Enough to make themselves very troublesome, and us ridiculous," +returned Mr. Downright. "We are a young nation, Sir John, covering a +great surface, with a comparatively small population, and, as you are +aware, separated from the other parts of the monikin region by a belt +of ocean. In some respects we are like people in the country, and we +possess the merits and failings of those who are so situated. Perhaps +no nation has a larger share of reflecting and essentially respectable +inhabitants than Leaplow; but, not satisfied with being what +circumstances so admirably fit them to be, there is a clique among us, +who, influenced by the greater authority of older nations, pine to be +that which neither nature, education, manners, nor facilities will just +yet allow them to become. In short, sir, we have the besetting sin of +a young community--imitation. In our case the imitation is not always +happy, either; it being necessarily an imitation that is founded on +descriptions. If the evil were limited to mere social absurdities, it +might be laughed at--but that inherent desire of distinction, which is +the most morbid and irritable, unhappily, in the minds of those who are +the least able to attain anything more than a very vulgar notoriety, is +just as active here, as it is elsewhere; and some who have got wealth, +and who can never get more than what is purely dependent on wealth, +affect to despise those who are not as fortunate as themselves in this +particular. In their longings for pre-eminence, they turn to other +states (Leaphigh, more especially, which is the beau ideal of all +nations and people who wish to set up a caste in opposition to +despotism) for rules of thought, and declaim against that very mass +which is at the bottom of all their prosperity, by obstinately refusing +to allow of any essential innovation on the common rights. In addition +to these social pretenders, we have our political Indoctrinated." + +"Indoctrinated! Will you explain the meaning of the term?" + +"Sir, an Indoctrinated is one of a political school who holds to the +validity of certain theories which have been made to justify a set of +adventitious facts, as is eminently the case in our own great model, +Leaphigh. We are peculiarly placed in this country. Here, as a rule, +facts--meaning political and social facts--are greatly in advance of +opinion, simply because the former are left chiefly to their own free +action, and the latter is necessarily trammelled by habit and prejudice; +while in the 'old region' opinion, as a rule--and meaning the leading +or better opinion--is greatly in advance of facts, because facts are +restrained by usage and personal interests, and opinion is incited by +study, and the necessity of change." + +"Permit me to say, brigadier, that I find your present institutions a +remarkable result to follow such a state of things." + +"They are a cause, rather than a consequence. Opinion, as a whole, is +everywhere on the advance; and it is further advanced even here, as a +whole, than anywhere else. Accident has favored the foundation of the +social compact; and once founded, the facts have been hastening to their +consummation faster than the monikin mind has been able to keep company +with them. This is a remarkable but true state of the whole region. In +other monikin countries, you see opinion tugging at rooted practices, +and making desperate efforts to eradicate them from their bed of vested +interests, while here you see facts dragging opinion after them like a +tail wriggling behind a kite. [Footnote: One would think that Brigadier +Downright had lately paid a visit to our own happy and much enlightened +land. Fifty years since, the negro was a slave in New York, and +incapable of contracting marriage with a white. Facts have, however, +been progressive; and, from one privilege to another, he has at length +obtained that of consulting his own tastes in this matter, and, so far +as he himself is concerned, of doing as he pleases. This is the fact, +but he who presumes to speak of it has his windows broken by opinion, +for his pains! NOTE BY THE EDITOR] As to our purely social imitation and +social follies, absurd as they are, they are necessarily confined to a +small and an immaterial class; but the Indoctrinated spirit is a much +more serious affair. That unsettles confidence, innovates on the right, +often innocently and ignorantly, and causes the vessel of state to sail +like a ship with a drag towing in her wake." + +"This is truly a novel condition for an enlightened monikin nation." + +"No doubt, men manage better; but of all this you will learn more in the +great council. You may, perhaps, think it strange that our facts should +preserve their ascendency in opposition to so powerful a foe as opinion; +but you will remember that a great majority of our people, if not +absolutely on a level with circumstances, being purely practical, are +much nearer to this level, than the class termed the endoctrinated. The +last are troublesome and delusive, rather than overwhelming." + +"To return to Mr. Wriggle--is his sect numerous?" + +"His class flourishes most in the towns. In Leaplow we are greatly in +want of a capital, where the cultivated, educated, and well-mannered +can assemble, and, placed by their habits and tastes above the ordinary +motives and feelings of the less instructed, they might form a more +healthful, independent, appropriate, and manly public sentiment than +that which now pervades the country. As things are, the real elite of +this community are so scattered, as rather to receive an impression +FROM, than to impart one TO society, The Leaplow Wriggles, as you +have just witnessed, are selfish and exacting as to their personal +pretensions, irritably confident as to the merit of any particular +excellence which limits their own experience, and furiously proscribing +to those whom they fancy less fortunate than themselves." + +"Good heavens!--brigadier--all this is excessively human!" + +"Ah! it is--is it? Well, this is certainly the way with us monikins. Our +Wriggles are ashamed of exactly that portion of our population of which +they have most reason to be proud, viz., the mass; and they are proud +of precisely that portion of which they have most reason to be ashamed, +viz., themselves. But plenty of opportunities will offer to look further +into this; and we will now hasten to the inn." + +As the brigadier appeared to chafe under the subject, I remained silent, +following him as fast as I could, but keeping my eyes open, the reader +may be very sure, as we went along. There was one peculiarity I could +not but remark in this singular town. It was this:--all the houses were +smeared over with some colored earth, and then, after all this pains had +been taken to cover the material, an artist was employed to make white +marks around every separate particle of the fabric (and they were in +millions), which ingenious particularity gives the dwellings a most +agreeable air of detail, imparting to the architecture, in general, a +sublimity that is based on the multiplication table. If to this be added +the black of the chevaux-de-frise, the white of the entrance-ladders, +and a sort of standing-collar to the whole, immediately under the eves, +of some very dazzling hue, the effect is not unlike that of a platoon of +drummers, in scarlet coats, cotton lace, and cuffs and capes of white. +What renders the similitude more striking, is the fact that no two of +the same plantoon appear to be exactly of a size, as is very apt to be +the case with your votaries in military music. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. A FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLE, A FUNDAMENTAL LAW, AND A +FUNDAMENTAL ERROR. + + +The people of Leaplow are remarkable for the deliberation of their acts, +the moderation of their views, and the accumulation of their wisdom. As +a matter of course such a people is never in an indecent haste. Although +I have now been legally naturalized, and regularly elected to the great +council fully twenty-four hours, three entire days were allowed for the +study of the institutions, and to become acquainted with the genius of +a nation, who, according to their own account of the matter, have no +parallel in heaven or earth, or in the waters under the earth, before I +was called upon to exercise my novel and important functions. I profited +by the delay and shall seize a favorable moment to make the reader +acquainted with some of my acquisitions on this interesting topic. + +The institutions of Leaplow are divided into two great moral categories, +viz.: the LEGAL and the SUBSTITUTIVE. The former embraces the provisions +of the great ELEMENTARY, and the latter all the provisions of the +great ALIMENTARY principle. The first, accordingly, is limited by the +constitution, or the Great National Allegory, while the last is limited +by nothing but practice; one contains the proposition, and the other its +deductions; this is all hypothesis, that, all corollary. The two great +political landmarks, the two public opinions, the bob-upon-bobs, +the rotatory action, and the great and little wheels, are merely +inferential, and I shall, therefore, say nothing about them in my +present treatise, which has a strict relation only to the fundamental +law of the land, or to the Great and Sacred National Allegory. + +It has been already stated that Leaplow was originally a scion of +Leaphigh. The political separation took place in the last generation, +when the Leaplowers publicly renounced Leaphigh and all it contained, +just as your catechumen is made to renounce the devil and all his works. +This renunciation, which is also sometimes called the DENUNCIATION, was +much more to the liking of Leaplow than to that of Leaphigh; and a long +and sanguinary war was the consequence. The Leaplowers, after a smart +struggle, however, prevailed in their firm determination to have no more +to do with Leaphigh. The sequel will show how far they were right. + +Even preceding the struggle, so active was the sentiment of patriotism +and independence, that the citizens of Leaplow, though ill-provided +with the productions of their own industry, proudly resorted to the +self-denial of refusing to import even a pin from the mother country, +actually preferring nakedness to submission. They even solemnly voted +that their venerable progenitor, instead of being, as she clearly ought +to have been, a fond, protecting, and indulgent parent, was, in truth, +no other than a rapacious, vindictive and tyrannical step-mother. This +was the opinion, it will be remembered, when the two communities were +legally united, had but one head, wore clothes, and necessarily pursued +a multitude of their interests in common. + +By the lucky termination of the war, all this was radically changed. +Leaplow pointed her thumb at Leaphigh, and declared her intention +henceforth to manage her own affairs in her own way. In order to do +this the more effectually, and, at the same time, to throw dirt into the +countenance of her late step-mother, she determined that her own +polity should run so near a parallel, and yet should be so obviously an +improvement on that of Leaphigh, as to demonstrate the imperfections +of the latter to the most superficial observer. That this patriotic +resolution was faithfully carried out in practice, I am now about to +demonstrate. + +In Leaphigh, the old human principle had long prevailed, that political +authority came from God; though why such a theory should ever have +prevailed anywhere, as Mr. Downright once expressed it, I cannot see, +the devil very evidently having a greater agency in its exercise than +any other influence, or intelligence, whatever. However, the jus divinum +was the regulator of the Leaphigh social compact, until the nobility +managed to get the better of the jus, when the divinum was left to shift +for itself. It was at this epocha the present constitution found its +birth. Any one may have observed that one stick placed on end will fall, +as a matter of course, unless rooted in the earth. Two sticks fare no +better, even with their tops united; but three sticks form a standard. +This simple and beautiful idea gave rise to the Leaphigh polity. Three +moral props were erected in the midst of the community, at the foot of +one of which was placed the king, to prevent it from slipping; for all +the danger, under such a system, came from that of the base slipping; +at the foot of the second, the nobles; and at the foot of the third, the +people. On the summit of this tripod was raised the machine of state. +This was found to be a capital invention in theory, though practice, +as practice is very apt to do, subjected it to some essential +modifications. The king, having his stick all his own way, gave a great +deal of trouble to the two other sets of stick-holders; and, unwilling +to disturb the theory, for that was deemed to be irrevocably settled and +sacred, the nobility, who, for their own particular convenience, paid +the principal workmen at the base of the people's stick to stand steady, +set about the means of keeping the king's stick, also, in a more uniform +and serviceable attitude. It was on this occasion that, discovering the +king never could keep his end of the great social stick in the place +where he had sworn to keep it, they solemnly declared that he must +have forgotten where the constitutional foot-hole was, and that he had +irretrievably lost his memory--a decision that was the remote cause +of the recent calamity of Captain Poke. The king was no sooner +constitutionally deprived of his memory, than it was an easy matter +to strip him of all his other faculties; after which it was humanely +decreed, as indeed it ought to be in the case of a being so destitute, +that he could do no wrong. By way of following out the idea on a humane +and Christian-like principle, and in order to make one part of the +practice conform to the other, it was shortly after determined that he +should do nothing; his eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender being +legally proclaimed his substitute. In the end, the crimson curtain was +drawn before the throne. As, however, this cousin might begin to wriggle +the stick in his turn, and derange the balance of the tripod, the other +two sets of stick-holders next decided that, though his majesty had +an undeniable constitutional right to say who SHOULD BE his +eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender, they had an undoubted +constitutional right to say who he SHOULD NOT BE. The result of all this +was a compromise; his majesty, who, like other people, found the sweets +of authority more palatable than the bitter, agreeing to get up on top +of the tripod, where he might appear seated on the machine of state, to +receive salutations, and eat and drink in peace, leaving the others to +settle among themselves who should do the work at the bottom, as well +as they could. In brief, such is the history, and such was the polity of +Leaphigh, when I had the honor of visiting that country. + +The Leaplowers were resolute to prove that all this was radically wrong. +They determined, in the first place, that there should be but one great +social beam; and, in order that it should stand perfectly steady, they +made it the duty of every citizen to prop its base. They liked the idea +of a tripod well enough, but, instead of setting one up in the Leaphigh +fashion, they just reversed its form, and stuck it on top of their beam, +legs uppermost, placing a separate agent on each leg, to work +their machine of state; taking care, also, to send a new one aloft +periodically. They reasoned thus: If one of the Leaphigh beams slip (and +they will be very apt to slip in wet weather, with the king, nobles and +people wriggling and shoving against each other), down will come the +whole machine of state, or, to say the least, it will get so much awry +as never to work as well as at first; and therefore we will have none of +it. If, on the other hand, one of our agents makes a blunder and falls, +why, he will only break his own neck. He will, moreover, fall in the +midst of us, and, should he escape with life, we can either catch him +and throw him back again, or we can send a better hand up in his place, +to serve out the rest of his time. They also maintain that one beam, +supported by all the citizens, is much less likely to slip than three +beams, supported by three powers of very uncertain, not to say unequal, +forces. + +Such, in effect, is the substance of the respective national allegories +of Leaphigh and of Leaplow; I say allegories, for both governments seem +to rely on this ingenious form of exhibiting their great distinctive +national sentiments. It would, in fact, be an improvement, were all +constitutions henceforth to be written in this manner, since they would +necessarily be more explicit, intelligible, and sacred than they are by +the present attempt at literality. + +Having explained the governing principles of these two important states, +I now crave the reader's attention, for a moment, while I go a little +into the details of the MODUS OPERANDI, in both cases. + +Leaphigh acknowledged a principle, in the outset, that Leaplow totally +disclaimed, viz., that of primogeniture. Being an only child myself, +and having no occasion for research on this interesting subject, I never +knew the basis of this peculiar right, until I came to read the great +Leaphigh commentator, Whiterock, on the governing rules of the social +compact. I there found that the first-born, MORALLY considered, is +thought to have better claims to the honors of the genealogical tree, on +the father's side, than those offspring whose origin is to be referred +to a later period in connubial life. On this obvious and highly +discriminating principle, the crown, the rights of the nobles, and +indeed all other rights, are transferred from father to son, in the +direct male line, according to primogeniture. + +Nothing of this is practised in Leaplow. There, the supposition of +legitimacy is as much in favor of the youngest as of the oldest born, +and the practice is in conformity. As there is no hereditary chief to +poise on one of the legs of the great tripod, the people at the foot of +the beam choose one from among themselves, periodically, who is called +the Great Sachem. The same people choose another set, few in number, +who occupy a common seat, on another leg. These they term the Riddles. +Another set, still more numerous and popular in aspect, if not in +fact, fills a large seat on the third leg. These last, from their being +supposed to be supereminently popular and disinterested, are familiarly +known as the Legion. They are also pleasantly nicknamed the Bobees, +an appellation that took its rise in the circumstance that most of the +members of their body have submitted to the second dock, and, indeed, +have nearly obliterated every sign of a CAUDA. I had, most luckily, been +chosen to sit in the House of Bobees, a station for which I felt myself +well qualified, in this great essential at least; for all the anointing +and forcing resorted to by Noah and myself, during our voyage out, and +our residence in Leaphigh, had not produced so much as a visible sprout +in either. + +The Great Sachem, the Riddles, and the Legion, had conjoint duties to +perform, in certain respects, and separate duties in others. All three, +as they owed their allegorical elevation to, so were they dependent on, +the people at the foot of the great social stick, for approbation and +reward--that is to say for all rewards other than those which they have +it in their power to bestow on themselves. There was another authority, +or agent of the public, that is equally perched on the social beam, +though not quite so dependent as the three just named, upon the main +prop of the people--being also propped by a mechanical disposition of +the tripod itself. These are termed the Supreme Arbitrators, and their +duties are to revise the acts of the other three agents of the people, +and to decide whether they are or are not in conformity with the +recognized principles of the Sacred Allegory. + +I was greatly delighted with my own progress in the study of the Leaplow +institutions. In the first place, I soon discovered that the principal +thing was to reverse the political knowledge I had acquired in Leaphigh, +as one would turn a tub upside-down, when he wished to draw from its +stores at a fresh end, and then I was pretty sure of being within at +least the spirit of the Leaplow law. Everything seemed simple, for all +was dependent on the common prop, at the base of the great social beam. + +Having got a thorough insight myself into the governing principles of +the system under which I had been chosen to serve, I went to look up +my colleague, Captain Poke, in order to ascertain how he understood the +great Leaplow Allegory. + +I found the mind of the sealer, according to a beautiful form of speech +already introduced in this narrative, "considerably exercised," on the +several subjects that so naturally presented themselves to a man in +his situation. In the first place, he was in a towering passion at the +impudence of Bob in presuming to offer himself as a candidate for the +great council; and having offered himself, the rage of the Captain was +in no degree abated by the circumstance of the young rascal's being at +the head of the poll. He most unreservedly swore "that no subordinate of +his should ever sit in the same legislative body with himself; that he +was a republican by birth, and knew the usages of republican governments +quite as well as the best patriot among them; and although he admitted +that all sorts of critters were sent to Congress in his country, no +man ever knew an instance of a cabin-boy's being sent there. They might +elect just as much as they pleased; but coming ashore, and playing +politician were very different things from cleaning his boots, and +making his coffee, and mixing his grog." The captain had just been +waited on by a committee of the Perpendiculars (half the Leaplow +community is on some committee or other), by whom he had been elected, +and they had given notice, that instructions would be sent in, +forthwith, to all their representatives, to perform gyration No. 3, as +soon after the meeting of the council as possible. He was no tumbler, +and he had sent for a master of political saltation, who had just been +with him practising. According to Noah's own statement, his success was +anything but flattering. "If they would give a body room, Sir John," he +said, in a complaining accent, "I should think nothing of it--but you +are expected to stand shoulder to shoulder--yard-arm and yard-arm--and +throw a flap-jack as handy as an old woman would toss a johnny-cake! +It's unreasonable to think of wearing ship without room; but give me +room, and I'll engage to get round on the other tack, and to luff into +the line again, as safely as the oldest cruiser among 'em, though not +quite so quick. They do go about spitefully, that's sartain." + +Nor were the Great National Allegories without their difficulties. +Noah perfectly understood the images of the two tripods, though he was +disposed to think that neither was properly secured. A mast would +make but bad weather, he maintained, let it be ever so well rigged and +stayed, without being also securely stepped. He saw no use in trusting +the heels of the beams to anybody. Good lashings were what were wanted, +and then the people might go about their private affairs, and not fear +the work would fall. That the king of Leaphigh had no memory, he could +testify from bitter experience; nor did he believe that he had any +conscience; and, chiefly he desired to know if we, when we got up into +our places on the top of the three inverted beams, among the other +Bobees, were to make war on the Great Sachem and the Riddles, or whether +we were to consider the whole affair as a good thing, in which the +wisest course would be to make fair weather of it? + +To all these remarks and questions I answered as well as my own limited +experience would allow; taking care to inform my friend that he had +conceived the whole matter a little too literally, as all that he had +been reading about the great political beams, the tripods, and the +legislative boxes, was merely an allegory. + +"And pray, then, Sir John, what may an allegory be?" + +"In this case, my good sir, it is a constitution." + +"And what is a constitution?" + +"Why, it is sometimes as you perceive, an allegory." + +"And are we not to be mast-headed, then, according to the book?" + +"Figuratively, only." + +"But there are actually such critters as the Great Sachem, and Riddles, +and above all, the Bobees!--We are boney fie-diddle-di-dee elected?" + +"Boney fie-diddle-di-dee." + +"And may I take the liberty of asking, what it is our duty to do?" + +"We are to act practically--according to the literality of the legal, +implied, figurative, allegorical significations of the Great National +Compact under a legitimate construction." + +"I fear we shall have to work doubletides, Sir John, to do so much in so +short a time! Do you mean that, in honest truth, there is no beam?" + +"There is, and there is not." + +"No fore, main, and mizzen tops, according to what is here written +down?" + +"There is not, and there is." + +"Sir John, in the name of God, speak out! Is all this about eight +dollars a day, no better than a take in?" + +"That, I believe is strictly literal." + +As Noah now seemed a little mollified, I seized the opportunity to +tell him he must beware how he attempted to stop Bob from attending the +council. Members were privileged, going and coming; and unless he was +guarded in his course, he might have some unpleasant collision with the +sergeant-at-arms. Besides, it was unbecoming the dignity of a legislator +to be wrangling about trifles, and he, to whom was confided the great +affairs of a state, ought to attach the utmost importance to a grave +exterior, which commonly was of more account with his constituents than +any other quality. Any one could tell whether he was grave or not, +but it was by no means so easy a matter to tell whether he or his +constituents had the greater cause to appear so. Noah promised to be +discreet, and we parted, not to meet again until we assembled to be +sworn in. + +Before continuing the narrative, I will just mention that we disposed +of our commercial investments that morning. All the Leaphigh opinions +brought good prices; and I had occasion to see how well the brigadier +understood the market by the eagerness with which, in particular, the +Opinions on the State of Society in Leaplow were bought up. But, by one +of those unexpected windfalls which raise up so many of the chosen of +the earth to their high places, the cook did better than any of us. It +will be remembered, that he had bartered an article of merchandise +that he called slush against a neglected bale of Distinctive Leaplow +Opinions, which had no success at all in Leaphigh. Coming as they did +from abroad, these articles had taken as novelties in Bivouac, and he +sold them all before night, at enormous advances; the cry being that +something new and extraordinary had found its way into the market. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. HOW TO ENACT LAWS--ORATORY, LOGIC, AND ELOQUENCE; ALL +CONSIDERED IN THEIR EVERY-DAY ASPECTS. + + +Political oaths are very much the same sort of thing everywhere, and I +shall say no more about our inauguration than simply to state it took +place as usual. The two houses were duly organized, and we proceeded, +without delay, to the transaction of business. I will here state that +I was much rejoiced to find Brigadier Downright among the Bobees, +the captain whispering that most probably he had been mistaken for an +"immigrunt," and chosen accordingly. + +It was not a great while before the Great Sachem sent us a +communication, which contained a compte rendue of the state of the +nation. Like most accounts it is my good fortune to receive, I thought +it particularly long. Agreeably to the opinions of this document, the +people of Leaplow were, by a good deal, the happiest people in the +world; they were also considerably more respected, esteemed, beloved, +honored, and properly appreciated, than any other monikin community, +and, in short, they were the admiration and glory of the universe. I was +exceedingly glad to hear this, for some of the facts were quite new to +me; a circumstance which shows one can never get correct notions of a +nation except from itself. + +These important facts properly digested, we all of us set about our +several duties with a zeal that spoke fairly for our industry and +integrity. Things commenced swimmingly, and it was not long before the +Riddles sent us a resolution for concurrence, by way of opening the +ball. It was conceived in the following terms: "Resolved, that the color +which has hitherto been deemed to be black, is really white." + +As this was the first resolution that involved a principle on which +we had been required to vote, I suggested to Noah the propriety of our +going round to the brigadier, and inquiring what might be the drift +of so singular a proposition. Our colleague answered the question with +great good-nature, giving us to understand that the Perpendiculars and +the Horizontals had long been at variance on the mere coloring property +of various important questions, and the real matter involved in the +resolution was not visible. The former had always maintained (by always, +he meant ever since the time they maintained the contrary) the doctrine +of the resolution, and the latter its converse. A majority of the +Riddles, just at this moment, are Perpendiculars; and, as it was now +seen, they had succeeded in getting a vote on their favorite principle. + +"According to this account of the matter, Sir John," observed the +captain, "I shall be compelled to maintain that black is white, seeing +that I am in on the Parpendic'lar interest?" + +I thought with the captain, and was pleased that my own legislative +debut was not to be characterized by the promulgation of any doctrine +so much at variance with my preconceived ways of thinking. Curious, +however, to know his opinion, I asked the brigadier in what light he +felt disposed to view the matter himself. + +"I am elected by the Tangents," he said; "and, by what I can learn, it +is the intention of our friends to steer a middle course; and one of our +leaders is already selected, who, at a proper stage of the affair, is to +move an amendment." + +"Can you refer me, my dear friend, to anything connected with the Great +National Allegory that bears on this point?" + +"Why, there is a clause among the fundamental and immutable laws, which +it is thought was intended to meet this very case; but, unhappily, the +sages by whom our Allegory was drawn up have not paid quite as much +attention to the phraseology as the importance of the subject demanded." + +Here the brigadier laid his finger on the clause in question, and +I returned to a seat to study its meaning. It was conceived as +follows:--Art. IV. Clause 6: "The Great National Council shall, in +no case whatever, pass any law, or resolution, declaring white to be +black." + +After studying this fundamental enactment to the bottom, turning it +on every side, and finally considering it upside-down, I came to the +conclusion that its tenor was, on the whole, rather more favorable +than unfavorable to the Horizontal doctrine. It struck me, a very good +argument was to be made out of the constitutional question, and that it +presented a very fair occasion for a new member to venture on a maiden +speech. Having so settled the matter, entirely to my own satisfaction, +I held myself in reserve, waiting for the proper moment to produce an +effect. + +It was not long before the chairman of the committee on the judiciary +(one of the effects of the resolution was entirely to change the +coloring of all testimony throughout the vast Republic of Leaplow) made +his report on the subject-matter of the resolution. This person was +a Tangent, who had a besetting wish to become a Riddle, although the +leaning of our house was decidedly Horizontal; and, as a matter of +course, he took the Riddle side of this question. The report, itself, +required seven hours in the reading, commencing with the subject at +the epocha of the celebrated caucus that was adjourned sine die, by the +disruption of the earth's crust, and previously to the distribution of +the great monikin family into separate communities, and ending with +the subject of the resolution in his hand. The reporter had set his +political palette with the utmost care, having completely covered the +subject with neutral tints, before he got through with it, and glazing +the whole down with ultramarine, in such a way as to cause the eye to +regard the matter through a fictitious atmosphere. Finally, he repeated +the resolution, verbatim, and as it came from the other house. + +Mr. Speaker now called upon gentlemen to deliver their sentiments. To my +utter amazement, Captain Poke arose, put his tobacco back into its box, +and opened the debate without apology. + +The honorable captain said he understood this question to be one +implicating the liberties of everybody. He understood the matter +literally, as it was propounded in the Allegory, and set forth in the +resolution; and, as such, he intended to look at it with unprejudiced +eyes. "The natur' of this proposal lay altogether in color. What +is color, after all? Make the most of it, and in the most favorable +position, which, perhaps, is the cheek of a comely young woman, and +it is but skin-deep. He remembered the time when a certain female in +another part of the univarse, who is commonly called Miss Poke, might +have out-rosed the best rose in a placed called Stunnin'tun; and what +did it all amount to? He shouldn't ask Miss Poke herself, for obvious +reasons--but he would ask any of the neighbors how she looked now? +Quitting female natur', he would come to human natur' generally. He had +often remarked that sea water was blue, and he had frequently caused +pails to be lowered, and the water brought on deck, to see if he could +come at any of this blueing matter--for indigo was both scarce and dear +in his part of the world, but he never could make out anything by the +experiment; from which he concluded that, on the whull, there was pretty +much no such thing as color, at all. + +"As for the resolution before the house, it depended entirely on the +meaning of words. Now, after all, what is a word? Why, some people's +words are good, and other people's words are good for nothing. For +his part, he liked sealed instruments--which might be because he was a +sealer--but as for mere words, he set but little store by them. He once +tuck a man's word for his wages; and the long and short of it was, that +he lost his money. He had known a thousand instances in which words had +proved to be of no value, and he did not see why some gentlemen wished +to make them of so much importance here. For his part, he was for +puffing up nothing, no, not even a word or a color, above its desarts. +The people seemed to call for a change in the color of things, and he +called upon gentlemen to remember that this was a free country, and one +in which the laws ruled; and therefore he trusted they would be disposed +to adapt the laws to the wants of the people. What had the people asked +of the house in this matter? So far as his knowledge went, they had +really asked nothing in words, but he understood there was great +discontent on the subject of the old colors; and he construed their +silence into an expression of contempt for words in general. He was a +Parpendic'lar, and he should always maintain Parpendic'lar sentiments. +Gentlemen might not agree with him, but, for one, he was not disposed to +jipordyze the liberties of his constituents, and therefore he gave +the rizolution just as it came from the Riddles, without altering a +letter--although he did think there was one word misspelt--he meant +'really,' which he had been taught to spell 'ra'aily'--but he was ready +to sacrifice even his opinions on this point to the good of the country; +and therefore he went with the Riddles, even to their misprints. He +hoped the rizolution would pass, with the entire unanimity so important +a subject demanded." + +This speech produced a very strong sensation. Up to this time, the +principal orators of the house had been much in the practice of +splitting hairs about some nice technicality in the Great Allegory; but +Noah, with the simplicity of a truly great mind, had made a home thrust +at the root of the whole matter; laying about him with the single-first, +I made a few apposite remarks on the necessity of respecting the vital +ordinances of the body politic, and asked the attention of my hearers +while I read to them a particular clause, which it had struck me had +some allusion to the very point now in consideration. Having thus +cleared the way, I had not the folly to defeat the objects of so much +preparation, by an indiscreet precipitancy. So far from it, previously +to reading the extract from the constitution, I waited until the +attention of every member present was attracted more forcibly by the +dignity, deliberation, and gravity of my manner, than by the substance +of what had yet been said. In the midst of this deep silence and +expectation I read aloud, in a voice that reached every cranny in the +hall-- + +"The great council shall, in no case whatever, pass any law, or +resolution, declaring white to be black." + +If I had been calm in the presentation of this authority, I was equally +self-possessed in waiting for its effect. Looking about me I saw +surprise, perplexity, doubt, wonder, and uncertainty in every +countenance, if I did not find conviction. One fact embarrassed even me. +Our friends the Horizontals were evidently quite as much at fault as our +opponents the Perpendiculars, instead of being, as I had good reason to +hope, in an ecstasy of pleasure on hearing their cause sustained by an +authority so weighty. + +"Will the honorable member have the goodness to explain from what author +he has quoted?" one of the leading Perpendiculars at length ventured to +inquire. + +"The language you have just heard, Mr. Speaker," I resumed, believing +that now was the favorable instant to follow up the matter, "is language +that must find an echo in every heart--it is language that can never +be used in vain in this venerable hall, language that carries with it +conviction and command."--I observed that the members were now fairly +gaping at each other with wonder.--"Sir, I am asked to name the author +from whom I have quoted these sententious and explicit words--Sir, what +you have just heard is to be found in the Article IV., Clause 6, of the +Great National Allegory--" + +"Order--order--order!" shouted a hundred raven throats. + +I stood aghast, even more amazed than the house itself had been only the +instant before. + +"Order--order--order--order--order!" continued to be yelled, as if a +million of demons were screeching in the hall. + +"The honorable member will please to recollect," said the bland and +ex-officio impartial speaker, who, by the way, was a Perpendicular, +elected by fraud, "that it is out of order to use personalities." + +"Personalities! I do not understand, sir--" + +"The instrument to which the honorable member has alluded, his own good +sense will tell him, was never written by itself--so far from this, the +very members of the convention by which it was drawn up, are at this +instant members of this house, and most of them supporters of the +resolution now before the house; and it will be deemed personal to throw +into their faces former official acts, in this unheard-of manner. I am +sorry it is my duty to say, that the honorable member is entirely out of +order." + +"But, sir, the Sacred National--" + +"Sacred, sir, beyond a doubt--but in a sense different from what you +imagine--much too sacred, sir, ever to be alluded to here. There are the +works of the commentators, the books of constructions, and specially the +writings of various foreign and perfectly disinterested statesmen--need +I name Ekrub in particular!--that are at the command of members; but +so long as I am honored with a seat in this chair, I shall peremptorily +decide against all personalities." + +I was dumfounded. The idea that the authority itself would be refused +never crossed my mind, though I had anticipated a sharp struggle on +its construction. The constitution only required that no law should +be passed declaring black to be white, whereas the resolution merely +ordered that henceforth white should be black. Here was matter for +discussion, nor was I at all sanguine as to the result; but to be thus +knocked on the head by a club, in the outset, was too much for the +modesty of a maiden speech. I took my seat in confusion; and I plainly +saw that the Perpendiculars, by their sneers, now expected to carry +everything triumphantly their own way. This, most probably, would have +been the case, had not one of the Tangents immediately got the floor, +to move the amendment. To the vast indignation of Captain Poke, and, +in some degree, to my own mortification, this duty was intrusted to the +Hon. Robert Smut. Mr. Smut commenced with entreating members not to be +led away by the sophistry of the first speaker. That honorable member, +no doubt, felt himself called upon to defend the position taken by his +friends; but those that knew him well, as it had been his fate to know +him, must be persuaded that his sentiments had, at least, undergone a +sudden and miraculous change. That honorable member denied the existence +of color at all! He would ask that honorable member if he had never been +instrumental himself in producing what is generally called "black and +blue color"? He should like to know if that honorable member placed as +little value, at present, on blows as he now seemed to set on words. He +begged pardon of the house--but this was a matter of great interest to +himself--he knew that there never had been a greater manufacturer of +"black and blue color" than that honorable member, and he wondered at +his now so pertinaciously denying the existence of colors, and at his +wish to underrate their value. For his part, he trusted he understood +the importance of words, and the value of hues; and while he did +not exactly see the necessity of deeming black so inviolable as some +gentlemen appeared to think it, he was not by any means prepared to go +as far as those who had introduced this resolution. He did not believe +that public opinion was satisfied with maintaining that black was black, +but he thought it was not yet disposed to affirm that black was white. +He did not say that such a day might not arrive; he only maintained that +it had not yet arrived, and with a view to meet that which he believed +was the public sentiment, he should move, by way of amendment, to strike +out the whole of the resolution after the word "really," and insert that +which would cause the whole resolution to read as follows, viz.: + +"Resolved, that the color which has hitherto been deemed to be black, is +really lead-color." + +Hereupon, the Honorable Mr. Smut took his seat, leaving the house to its +own ruminations. The leaders of the Perpendiculars, foreseeing that +if they got half-way this session, they might effect the rest of +their object the next, determined to accept the compromise; and the +resolution, amended, passed by a handsome majority. So this important +point was finally decided for the moment, leaving great hopes among +the Perpendiculars of being able to lay the Horizontals even flatter on +their backs than they were just then. + +The next question that presented itself was of far less interest, +exciting no great attention. To understand it, however, it will be +necessary to refer a little to history. The government of Leapthrough +had, about sixty-three years before, caused one hundred and twenty-six +Leaplow ships to be burned on the high seas, or otherwise destroyed. +The pretence was, that they incommoded Leapthrough. Leaplow was much too +great a nation to submit to so heinous an outrage, while, at the same +time, she was much too magnanimous and wise a nation to resent it in an +every-day and vulgar manner. Instead of getting in a passion and loading +her cannon, she summoned all her logic and began to reason. After +reasoning the matter with Leapthrough for fifty-two years, or until +all the parties who had been wronged were dead, and could no longer +be benefited by her logic, she determined to abate two-thirds of her +pretensions in a pecuniary sense, and all her pretensions in an honorary +sense, and to compromise the affair by accepting a certain insignificant +sum of money as a salve to the whole wrong. Leapthrough conditioned +to pay this money, in the most solemn and satisfactory manner; and +everybody was delighted with the amicable termination of a very +vexatious and a seemingly interminable discussion. Leapthrough was quite +as glad to get rid of the matter as Leaplow, and very naturally, under +all the circumstances, thought the whole thing at length done with, +when she conditioned to pay the money. The Great Sachem of Leaplow, most +unfortunately, however, had a "will of iron," or, in other words, he +thought the money ought to be paid as well as conditioned to be paid. +This despotic construction of the bargain had given rise to unheard-of +dissatisfaction in Leapthrough, as indeed might have been expected; but +it was, oddly enough, condemned with some heat even in Leaplow itself, +where it was stoutly maintained by certain ingenious logicians, that the +only true way to settle a bargain to pay money, was to make a new one +for a less sum whenever the amount fell due; a plan that, with a proper +moderation and patience would be certain, in time, to extinguish the +whole debt. + +Several very elaborate patriots had taken this matter in hand, and +it was now about to be presented to the house under four different +categories. Category No. 1, had the merit of simplicity and precision. +It proposed merely that Leaplow should pay the money itself, and take up +the bond, using its own funds. Category No. 2, embraced a recommendation +of the Great Sachem for Leaplow to pay itself, using, however, certain +funds of Leapthrough. Category No. 3 was a proposal to offer ten +millions to Leapthrough to say no more about the transaction at all. +Category No. 4, was to commence the negotiating or abating system +mentioned, without delay, in order to extinguish the claim by +instalments as soon as possible. + +The question came up on the consideration of the different projects +connected with these four leading principles. My limits will not admit +of a detailed history of the debate. All I can do, is merely to give an +outline of the logic that these various propositions set in motion, of +the legislative ingenuity of which they were the parents, and of the +multitude of legitimate conclusions that so naturally followed. + +In favor of category No 1, it was urged that, by adopting its leading +idea, the affair would be altogether in our own hands, and might +consequently be settled with greater attention to purely Leaplow +interests; that further delay could only proceed from our own +negligence; that no other project was so likely to get rid of this +protracted negotiation in so short a time; that by paying the debt with +the Leaplow funds, we should be sure of receiving its amount in the good +legal currency of the republic; that it would be singularly economical, +as the agent who paid might also be authorized to receive, whereby there +would be a saving in salary; and, finally, that under this category, the +whole affair might be brought within the limits of a nutshell, and the +compass of any one's understanding. + +In favor of category No. 2, little more than very equivocal sophisms, +which savored strongly of commonplace opinions, were presented. It was +pretended, for instance, that he who signed a bond was in equity bound +to pay it; that, if he refused, the other party had the natural and +legal remedy of compulsion; that it might not always be convenient for +a creditor to pay all the obligations of other people which he might +happen to hold; that if his transactions were extensive, money might +be wanting to carry out such a principle; and that, as a precedent, it +would comport much more with Leaplow prudence and discretion to maintain +the old and tried notions of probity and justice, than to enter on the +unknown ocean of uncertainty that was connected with the new opinions, +by admitting which, we could never know when we were fairly out of debt. + +Category No. 3, was discussed on an entirely new system of logic, which +appeared to have great favor with that class of the members who were +of the more refined school of ethics. These orators referred the whole +matter to a sentiment of honor. They commenced by drawing vivid pictures +of the outrages in which the original wrongs had been committed. They +spoke of ruined families, plundered mariners, and blasted hopes. They +presented minute arithmetical calculations to show that just forty times +as much wrong had, in fact, been done, as this bond assumed; and that, +as the case actually stood, Leaplow ought, in strict justice, to receive +exactly forty times the amount of the money that was actually included +in the instrument. Turning from these interesting details, they next +presented the question of honor. Leapthrough, by attacking the Leaplow +flag, and invading Leaplow rights, had made it principally a question of +honor, and, in disposing of it, the principle of honor ought never to +be lost sight of. It was honorable to PAY ones' debts--this no one could +dispute but it was not so clear, by any means, that there was any honor +in RECEIVING ones' dues. The national honor was concerned; and they +called on members, as they cherished the sacred sentiment, to come +forward and sustain it by their votes. As the matter stood, Leaplow had +the best of it. In compounding with her creditor, as had been done in +the treaty, Leapthrough lost some honor--in refusing to pay the bond, +she lost still more; and now, if we should send her the ten millions +proposed, and she should have the weakness to accept it, we should +fairly get our foot upon her neck, and she could never look us in the +face again! + +The category No. 4, brought up a member who had made political economy +his chief study. This person presented the following case:--According +to his calculations, the wrong had been committed precisely sixty-three +years, and twenty-six days, and two-thirds of a day ago. For the whole +of that long period Leaplow had been troubled with this vexatious +question, which had hung like a cloud over the otherwise unimpaired +brightness of her political landscape. It was time to get rid of it. The +sum stipulated was just twenty-five millions, to be paid in twenty-five +annual instalments, of a million each. Now, he proposed to reduce the +instalments to one-half the number, but in no way to change the sum. +That point ought to be considered as irrevocably settled. This would +diminish the debt one-half. Before the first instalment should become +due he would effect a postponement, by diminishing the instalments +again to six, referring the time to the latest periods named in the last +treaty, and always most sacredly keeping the sums precisely the same. It +would be impossible to touch the sums, which, he repeated, ought to be +considered as sacred. Before the expiration of the first seven years, +a new arrangement might reduce the instalments to two, or even to +one--always respecting the sum; and finally, at the proper moment, a +treaty could be concluded, declaring that there should be no instalment +at all, reserving the point, that if there HAD been an instalment, +Leaplow could never have consented to reduce it below one million. The +result would be that in about five-and-twenty years the country would +be fairly rid of the matter, and the national character, which it was +agreed on all hands was even now as high as it well could be, would +probably be raised many degrees higher. The negotiations had commenced +in a spirit of compromise; and our character for consistency required +that this spirit of compromise should continue to govern our conduct as +long as a single farthing remained unpaid. + +This idea took wonderfully; and I do believe it would have passed by +a handsome majority, had not a new proposition been presented, by an +orator of singularly pathetic powers. + +The new speaker objected to all four of the categories. He said +that each and every one of them would lead to war. Leapthrough was a +chivalrous and high-minded nation, as was apparent by the present aspect +of things. Should we presume to take up the bond, using our own funds, +it would mortally offend her pride, and she would fight us; did we +presume to take up the bond, using her funds, it would offend her +financial system, and she would fight us; did we presume to offer +her ten millions to say no more about the matter, it would offend her +dignity by intimating that she was to be bought off from her rights, +and she would fight us; did we presume to adopt the system of new +negotiations, it would mortally offend her honor, by intimating that she +would not respect her old negotiations, and she would fight us. He saw +war in all four of the categories. He was for a peace category, and he +thought he held in his hand a proposition, that by proper management, +using the most tender delicacy, and otherwise respecting the +sensibilities of the high and honorable nation in question, we might +possibly get out of this embarrassing dilemma without actually coming to +blows--he said to blows, for he wished to impress on honorable members +the penalties of war. He invited gentlemen to recollect that a conflict +between two great nations was a serious affair. If Leapthrough were a +little nation, it would be a different matter, and the contest might be +conducted in a corner; our honor was intimately connected with all we +did with great nations. What was war? Did gentlemen know? He would tell +them. + +Here the orator drew a picture of war that caused suffering monikinity +to shudder. He viewed it in its four leading points: its religious, its +pecuniary, its political, and its domestic penalties. He described war +to be the demon state of the monikin mind; as opposed to worship, +to charity, brotherly love, and all the virtues. On its pecuniary +penalties, he touched by exhibiting a tax-sheet. Buttons which cost +sixpence a gross, he assured the house, would shortly cost sevenpence a +gross.--Here he was reminded that monikins no longer wore buttons.--No +matter, they bought and sold buttons, and the effects on trade were +just the same. The political penalties of war he fairly showed to be +frightful; but when he came to speak of the domestic penalties, there +was not a dry eye in the house. Captain Poke blubbered so loud that I +was in an agony lest he should be called to order. + +"Regard that pure spirit," he cried, "crushed as it has been in the +whirlwind of war. Behold her standing over the sod that covers the hero +of his country, the husband of her virgin affections. In vain the orphan +at her side turns its tearful eye upwards, and asks for the plumes that +so lately pleased its infant fancy; in vain its gentle voice inquires +when he is to return, when he is to gladden their hearts with his +presence--" But I can write no more. Sobs interrupted the speaker, and +he took his seat in an ecstasy of godliness and benevolence. + +I hurried across the house, to beg the brigadier would introduce me to +this just monikin without a moment's delay. I felt as if I could take +him to my heart at once, and swear an eternal friendship with a spirit +so benevolent. The brigadier was too much agitated, at first, to attend +to me; but, after wiping his eyes at least a hundred times, he finally +succeeded in arresting the torrents, and looked upwards with a bland +smile. + +"Is he not a wonderful monikin?" + +"Wonderful indeed! How completely he puts us all to shame!--Such a +monikin can only be influenced by the purest love for the species." + +"Yes, he is of a class that we call the third monikinity. Nothing +excites our zeal like the principles of the class of which he is a +member!" + +"How! Have you more than one class of the humane?" + +"Certainly--the Original, the Representative, and the Speculative." + +"I am devoured by the desire to understand the distinctions, my dear +brigadier." + +"The Original is an every-day class, that feels under the natural +impulses. The Representative is a more intellectual division, that +feels chiefly by proxy. The Speculatives are those whose sympathies are +excited by positive interests, like the last speaker. This person has +lately bought a farm by the acre, which he is about to sell, in village +lots, by the foot, and war will knock the whole thing in the head. It is +this which stimulates his benevolence in so lively a manner." + +"Why, this is no more than a development of the social-stake system--" + +I was interrupted by the speaker, who called the house to order. The +vote on the resolution of the last orator was to be taken. It read as +follows:-- + +"Resolved, that it is altogether unbecoming the dignity and character +of Leapthrough, for Leaplow to legislate on the subject of so petty a +consideration as a certain pitiful treaty between the two countries." + +"Unanimity--unanimity!" was shouted by fifty voices. Unanimity there +was; and then the whole house set to work shaking hands and hugging each +other, in pure joy at the success of the honorable and ingenious manner +in which it had got rid of this embarrassing and impertinent question. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. AN EFFECT OF LOGARITHMS ON MORALS--AN OBSCURATION, A +DISSERTATION, AND A CALCULATION. + + +The house had not long adjourned before Captain Poke and myself were +favored with a visit from our colleague Mr. Downright, who came on an +affair of absorbing interest. He carried in his hand a small pamphlet; +and the usual salutations were scarcely over, before he directed our +attention to a portion of its contents. It would seem that Leaplow was +on the eve of experiencing a great moral eclipse. The periods and dates +of the phenomenon (if that can be called a phenomenon which was of too +frequent occurrence) had been calculated, with surprising accuracy, by +the Academy of Leaphigh, and sent, through its minister, as an especial +favor, to our beloved country in order that we should not be taken by +surprise. The account of the affair read as follows:-- + +"On the third day of the season of nuts, there will be the commencement +of a great moral eclipse, in that portion of the monikin region which +lies immediately about the pole. The property in eclipse will be the +great moral postulate usually designated by the term Principle; and the +intervening body will be the great immoral postulate, usually known +as Interest. The frequent occurrence of the conjunction of these two +important postulates has caused our moral mathematicians to be rather +negligent of their calculations on this subject of late years; but, to +atone for this inexcusable indifference to one of the most important +concerns of life, the calculating committee was instructed to pay +unusual attention to all the obscurations of the present year, and this +phenomenon, one of the most decided of our age, has been calculated with +the utmost nicety and care. We give the results. + +"The eclipse will commence by a motive of monikin vanity coming in +contact with the sub-postulate of charity, at 1 A. M. The postulate in +question will be totally hid from view, in the course of 6 h. 17 m. +from the moment of contact. The passage of a political intrigue will +instantly follow, when the several sub-postulates of truth, honesty, +disinterestedness, and patriotism, will all be obscured in succession, +beginning with the lower limb of the first, and ending with all the +limbs of the whole of them, in 3 h. 42 m. from the moment of contact. +The shadow of vanity and political intrigue will first be deepened +by the approach of prosperity, and this will be soon succeeded by the +contact of a great pecuniary interest, at 10 h. 2 m. 1s.; and in exactly +2 m. and 3-7 s., the whole of the great moral postulate of Principle +will be totally hid from view. In consequence of this early passage of +the darkest shadow that is ever cast by Interest, the passages of the +respective shadows of ambition, hatred, jealousy, and all the other +minor satellites of Interest, will be invisible. + +"The country principally affected by this eclipse will be the Republic +of Leaplow, a community whose known intelligence and virtues are perhaps +better qualified to resist its influence than any other. The time of +occultation will be 9 y. 7 m. 26 d. 4 h. 16 m. 2 s. Principle will begin +to reappear to the moral eye at the end of this period, first by the +approach of Misfortune, whose atmosphere being much less dense than that +of Interest, will allow of imperfect views of the obscured postulate; +but the radiance of the latter will not be completely restored until the +arrival of Misery, whose chastening colors invariably permit all truths +to be discernible, although through a sombre medium. To resume: + +"Beginning of eclipse, 1 A. M. + +Ecliptic opposition, in 4 y. 6 m. 12 d. 9 h. from beginning of eclipse. + +Middle, in 4 y. 9 m. 0 d. 7 h. 9 m. from beginning of eclipse. + +End of eclipse, 9 y. 11 m. 20 d. 3 h. 2 m. from beginning. + +Period of occultation, 9 y. 7 m. 26 d. 4 h. 16 m. 2 s." + +I gazed at the brigadier in admiration and awe. There was nothing +remarkable in the eclipse itself, which was quite an every-day affair; +but the precision with which it had been calculated added to its other +phenomena the terrible circumstance of obtaining a glimpse into the +future, I now began to perceive the immense difference between living +consciously under a moral shadow, and living under it unconsciously. The +latter was evidently a trifle compared with the former. Providence had +most kindly provided for our happiness in denying the ability to see +beyond the present moment. + +Noah took the affair even more at heart than myself. He told me, with a +rueful and prognosticating countenance, that we were fast drawing near +to the autumnal equinox, when we should reach the commencement of a +natural night of six months' duration; and although the benevolent +substitute of steam might certainly in some degree lessen the evil, that +it was a furious evil, after all, to exist for a period so weary without +enjoying the light of the sun. He found the external glare of day bad +enough, but he did not believe he should be able to endure its total +absence. "Natur' had made him a 'watch and watch' critter. As for the +twilight of which so much was said, it was worse than nothin', being +neither one thing nor the other. For his part, he liked things 'made out +of whole cloth.' Then he had sent the ship round to a distant roadstead, +in order that there might be no more post-captains and rear-admirals +among the people; and here had he been as much as four days on nothing +but nuts. Nuts might do for the philosophy of a monkey, but he found, +on trial, that it played the devil with the philosophy of a man. Things +were bad enough as they were. He pined for a little pork--he cared +not who knew it; it might not be very sentimental, he knew, but it was +capital sea-food; his natur' was pretty much pork; he believed most men +had, in some way or other, more or less pork in their human natur's; +nuts might do for monikin natur', but human natur' loved meat; if +monikins did not like it, monikins need not eat it; there would be +so much the more for those who did like it--he pined for his natural +aliment, and as for living nine years in an eclipse, it was quite out +of the question. The longest Stunnin'tun eclipses seldom went over three +hours--he once knew Deacon Spiteful pray quite through one, from apogee +to perigee. He therefore proposed that Sir John and he should resign +their seats without delay, and that they should try to get the Walrus +to the north'ard as quick as possible, lest they should be caught in the +polar night. As for the Hon. Robert Smut, he wished him no better luck +than to remain where he was all his life, and to receive his eight +dollars a day in acorns." + +Although it was impossible not to hear, and, having heard, not to +record the sentiments of Noah, still my attention was much more strongly +attracted by the demeanor of the brigadier, than by the jeremiad of the +sealer. To an anxious inquiry if he were not well, our worthy colleague +answered plaintively, that he mourned over the misfortune of his +country. + +"I have often witnessed the passage of the passions, and of the minor +motives, across the disc of the great moral postulate, Principle; but +an occultation of its light by a pecuniary Interest, and for so long a +period, is fearful! Heaven only knows what will become of us!" + +"Are not these eclipses, after all, so many mere illustrations of the +social-stake system? I confess this occultation, of which you seem to +have so much dread, is not so formidable a thing, on reflection, as it +at first appeared to be." + +"You are quite right, Sir John, as to the character of the eclipse +itself, which, as a matter of course, must depend on the character of +the intervening body. But the wisest and best of our philosophers hold +that the entire system of which we are but insignificant parts, is +based on certain immutable truths of a divine origin. The premises, +or postulates, of all these truths, are so many moral guides in the +management of monikin affairs; and, the moment they are lost sight of, +as will be the case during these frightful nine years that are to come, +we shall be abandoned entirely to selfishness. Now selfishness is +only too formidable when restrained by Principle; but left to its own +grasping desires and audacious sophisms, to me the moral perspective is +terrible. We are only too much addicted to turn our eyes from Principle, +when it is shining in heavenly radiance, and in full glory, before +us; it is not difficult, therefore, to foresee the nature of the +consequences which are to follow its total and protracted obscuration." + +"You then conceive there is a rule superior to interest, which ought to +be respected in the control of monikin affairs?" + +"Beyond a doubt; else in what should we differ from the beasts of prey?" + +"I do not exactly see whether this does, or does not accord with the +notions of the political economists of the social-stake system." + +"As you say, Sir John, it does, and it does not. Your social-stake +system supposes that he who has what is termed a distinct and prominent +interest in society, will be the most likely to conduct its affairs +wisely, justly, and disinterestedly. This would be true, if those great +principles which lie at the root of all happiness were respected; but +unluckily, the stake in question, instead of being a stake in justice +and virtue, is usually reduced to be merely a stake in property. Now, +all experience shows that the great property-incentives are to increase +property, protect property, and to buy with property those advantages +which ought to be independent of property, viz., honors, dignities, +power, and immunities. I cannot say how it is with men, but our +histories are eloquent on this head. We have had the property-principle +carried out thoroughly in our practice, and the result has shown that +its chief operation is to render property as intact as possible, and the +bones, and sinews, and marrow of all who do not possess it, its slaves. +In short, the time has been, when the rich were even exempt from +contributing to the ordinary exigencies of the state. But it is quite +useless to theorize on this subject, for, by that cry in the streets, +the lower limb of the great postulate is beginning to be obscured, and, +alas! we shall soon have too much practical information." + +The brigadier was right. On referring to the clocks, it was found that, +in truth, the eclipse had commenced some time before, and that we were +on the verge of an absolute occultation of Principle, by the basest and +most sordid of all motives, pecuniary Interest. + +The first proof that was given of the true state of things, was in the +language of the people. The word Interest was in every monikin's mouth, +while the word Principle, as indeed was no more than suitable, seemed to +be quite blotted out of the Leaplow vocabulary. To render a local term +into English, half of the vernacular of the country appeared to +be compressed into the single word "dollar." + +"Dollar--dollar--dollar"--nothing but "dollar! Fifty thousand +dollars--twenty thousand dollars--a hundred thousand dollars"--met one +at every turn. The words rang at the corners--in the public ways--at the +exchange--in the drawing-rooms--ay, even in the churches. If a temple +had been reared for the worship of the Creator, the first question was, +how much did it cost? If an artist submitted the fruits of his labors to +the taste of his fellow-citizens, conjectures were whispered among the +spectators, touching its value in the current coin of the republic. If +an author presented the offspring of his genius to the same arbiters, +its merits were settled by a similar standard; and one divine, who +had made a strenuous, but an ill-timed appeal to the charity of his +countrymen, by setting forth the beauties as well as the rewards of +the god-like property, was fairly put down by a demonstration that his +proposition involved a considerable outlay, while it did not clearly +show much was to be gained by going to heaven! + +Brigadier Downright had good reasons for his sombre anticipations, for +all the acquirements, knowledge, and experience, obtained in many years +of travel, were now found to be worse than useless. If my honorable +colleague and covoyager ventured a remark on the subject of foreign +policy, a portion of politics to which he had given considerable +attention, it was answered by a quotation from the stock market; an +observation on a matter of taste was certain to draw forth a nice +distinction between the tastes of certain liquors, together with a +shrewd investigation of their several prices; and once, when the worthy +monikin undertook to show, from what struck me to be singularly good +data, that the foreign relations of the country were in a condition to +require great firmness, a proper prudence, and much foresight, he was +completely silenced by an antagonist showing, from the last sales, the +high value of lots up town! + +In short, there was no dealing with any subject that could not +resolve itself into dollars, by means of the customary exchanges. +The infatuation spread from father to son; from husband to wife; from +brother to sister; and from one collateral to another, until it pretty +effectually assailed the whole of what is usually termed "society." Noah +swore bitterly at this antagonist state of things. He affirmed that he +could not even crack a walnut in a corner, but every monikin that passed +appeared to grudge him the satisfaction, small as it was; and that +Stunin'tun, though a scramble-penny place as any he knew, was paradise +to Leaplow, in the present state of things. + +It was melancholy to remark how the lustre of the ordinary virtues grew +dim, as the period of occultation continued, and the eye gradually +got to be accustomed to the atmosphere cast by the shadow of pecuniary +interest. I involuntarily shuddered at the open and undisguised manner +in which individuals, who might otherwise pass for respectable monikins, +spoke of the means that they habitually employed in effecting their +objects, and laid bare their utter forgetfulness of the great postulate +that was hid. One coolly vaunted how much cleverer he was than the law; +another proved to demonstration that he had outwitted his neighbor; +while a third, more daring or more expert, applied the same grounds of +exultation to the entire neighborhood. This had the merit of cunning; +that of dissimulation; another of deception, and all of success! + +The shadow cast its malign influence on every interest connected with +monikin life. Temples were raised to God on speculation; the government +was perverted to a money-investment, in which profit, and not justice +and security, was the object; holy wedlock fast took the aspect of +buying and selling, and few prayed who did not identify spiritual +benefits with gold and silver. + +The besetting propensity of my ancestor soon began to appear in Leaplow. +Many of those pure and unsophisticated republicans shouted, "Property is +in danger!" as stoutly as it was ever roared by Sir Joseph Job, and dark +allusions were made to "revolutions" and "bayonets." But certain proof +of the prevalence of the eclipse, and that the shadow of pecuniary +interest lay dark on the land, was to be found in the language of what +are called the "few." They began to throw dirt at all opposed to them, +like so many fish-women: a sure symptom that the spirit of selfishness +was thoroughly awakened. From much experience, I hold this sign to be +infallible, that the sentiment of aristocracy is active and vigilant. +I never yet visited a country in which a minority got into its head +the crotchet it was alone fit to dictate to the rest of its +fellow-creatures, that it did not, without delay, set about proving its +position, by reviling and calling names. In this particular "the few" +are like women, who, conscious of their weakness, seldom fail to make up +for the want of vigor in their limbs, by having recourse to the vigor of +the tongue. The "one" hangs; the "many" command by the dignity of force; +the "few" vituperate and scold. This is, I believe, the case all over +the world, except in those peculiar instances in which the "few" happen +also to enjoy the privilege of hanging. + +It is worthy of remark that the terms, "rabble," "disorganizers," +"jacobins," and "agrarians," [Footnote: It is scarcely necessary to tell +the intelligent reader there is no proof that any political community +was ever so bent on self-destruction as to enact agrarian laws, in +the vulgar sense in which it has suited the arts of narrow-minded +politicians to represent them ever since the revival of letters. The +celebrated agrarian laws of Rome did not essentially differ from the +distribution of our own military lands, or perhaps the similitude is +greater to the modern Russian military colonies. Those who feel an +interest in this subject would do well to consult Niebuhr. NOTE BY THE +EDITOR.] were bandied from one to the other, in Leaplow, under this +malign influence, with precisely the same justice, discrimination, +and taste, as they had been used by my ancestor in London, a few years +before. Like causes notoriously produce like effects; and there is no +one thing so much like an Englishman under the property-fever, as a +Leaplow monikin suffering under the same malady. + +The effect produced on the state of parties by the passage of the +shadow of Pecuniary Interest, was so singular as to deserve our notice. +Patriots who had long been known for an indomitable resolution to +support their friends, openly abandoned their claims on the rewards of +the little wheel, and went over to the enemy; and this, too, without +recourse to the mysteries of the "flapjack." Judge People's Friend was +completely annihilated for the moment--so much so, indeed, as to think +seriously of taking another mission--for, during these eclipses, long +service, public virtue, calculated amenity, and all the other bland +qualities of your patriot, pass for nothing, when weighed in the scale +against profit and loss. It was fortunate the Leapthrough question was, +in its essence, so well disposed of, though the uneasiness of those who +bought and sold land by the inch, pushed even that interest before the +public again by insisting that a few millions should be expended in +destroying the munitions of war, lest the nation might improvidently +be tempted to make use of them in the natural way. The cruisers were +accordingly hauled into the stream and converted into tide-mills, +the gun-barrels were transformed into gas-pipes, and the forts were +converted, as fast as possible, into warehouses and tea-gardens. After +this, it was much the fashion to affirm that the advanced state of +civilization had rendered all future wars quite out of the question. +Indeed, the impetus that was given, by the effects of the shadow, in +this way, to humanity in gross, was quite as remarkable as were its +contrary tendencies on humanity in detail. + +Public opinion was not backward in showing how completely it was acting +under the influence of the shadow. Virtue began to be estimated by +rent-rolls. The affluent, without hesitation, or, indeed, opposition, +appropriated to themselves the sole use of the word respectable, while +taste, judgment, honesty, and wisdom, dropped like so many heirlooms +quietly into the possession of those who had money. The Leaplowers are +a people of great acuteness, and of singular knowledge of details. +Every considerable man in Bivouac soon had his social station +assigned him, the whole community being divided into classes of +"hundred-thousand-dollar monikins"--"fifty-thousand-dollar +monikins"--"twenty-thousand-dollar monikins." Great conciseness in +language was a consequence of this state of feeling. The old questions +of "is he honest?" "is he capable?" "is he enlightened?" "is he wise?" +"is he good?" being all comprehended in the single interrogatory of "is +he rich?" + +There was one effect of this very unusual state of things, that I had +not anticipated. All the money-getting classes, without exception, +showed a singular predilection in favor of what is commonly called a +strong government; being not only a republic, but virtually a democracy, +I found that much the larger portion of this highly respectable class +of citizens, were not at all backward in expressing their wish for a +change. + +"How is this?" I demanded of the brigadier, whom I rarely quitted; +for his advice and opinions were of great moment to me, just at this +particular crisis--"how is this, my good friend? I have always been led +to think trade is especially favorable to liberty; and here are all +your commercial interests the loudest in their declamations against the +institutions." + +The brigadier smiled; it was but a melancholy smile, after all; for his +spirits appeared to have quite deserted him. + +"There are three great divisions among politicians," he said--"they who +do not like liberty at all--they who like it, as low down as their +own particular class--and they who like it for the sake of their +fellow-creatures. The first are not numerous, but powerful by means +of combinations; the second is a very irregular corps, including, as +a matter of course, nearly everybody, but is wanting, of necessity, in +concert and discipline, since no one descends below his own level; the +third are but few, alas, how few! and are composed of those who look +beyond their own selfishness. Now, your merchants, dwelling in towns, +and possessing concert, means, and identity of interests, have been able +to make themselves remarkable for contending with despotic power, a +fact which has obtained for them a cheap reputation for liberality of +opinion; but, so far as monikin experience goes--men may have proved +to be better disposed--no government that is essentially influenced by +commerce has ever been otherwise than exclusive, or aristocratic." + +I bethought me of Venice, Genoa, Pisa, the Hanse Towns, and all the +other remarkable places of this character in Europe, and I felt the +justice of my friend's distinction, at the same time I could not but +observe how much more the minds of men are under the influence of names +and abstractions than under the influence of positive things. To this +opinion the brigadier very readily assented, remarking, at the same +time, that a well-wrought theory had generally more effect on opinion +than fifty facts; a result that he attributed to the circumstance +of monikins having a besetting predisposition to save themselves the +trouble of thinking. + +I was, in particular, struck with the effect of the occultation of +Principle on motives. I had often remarked that it was by no means safe +to depend on one's own motives, for two sufficient reasons; first, +that we did not always know what our own motives were; and secondly, +admitting that we did, it was quite unreasonable to suppose that our +friends would believe them what we thought them to be ourselves. In +the present instance, every monikin seemed perfectly aware of the +difficulty; and, instead of waiting for his acquaintances to attribute +some moral enormity as his governing reason, he prudently adopted a +moderately selfish inducement for his acts, which he proclaimed with +a simplicity and frankness that generally obtained credit. Indeed, the +fact once conceded that the motive was not offensively disinterested and +just, no one was indisposed to listen to the projects of his friend, +who usually rose in estimation, as he was found to be ingenious, +calculating, and shrewd. The effect of all this was to render society +singularly sincere and plain-spoken; and one unaccustomed to so much +ingenuousness, or who was ignorant of the cause, might, plausibly +enough, suppose, at times, that accident had thrown him into an +extraordinary association with so many ARTISTES, who, as it is commonly +expressed, lived by their wits. I will avow that, had it been the +fashion to wear pockets at Leaplow, I should often have been concerned +for their contents; for sentiments so purely unsophisticated, were +so openly advanced under the influence of the shadow, that one was +inevitably led, oftener than was pleasant, to think of the relations +between meum and tuum, as well as of the unexpected causes by which they +were sometimes disturbed. + +A vacancy occurred, the second day of the eclipse, among the +representatives of Bivouac, and the candidate of the Horizontals would +certainly have been chosen to fill it, but for a contretemps connected +with this affair of motives. The individual in question had lately +performed that which, in most other countries, and under other +circumstances, would have passed for an act of creditable national +feeling; but which, quite as a matter of course, was eagerly presented +to the electors, by his opponents, as a proof of his utter unfitness to +be intrusted with their interests. The friends of the candidate took +the alarm, and indignantly denied the charges of the Perpendiculars, +affirming that their monikin had been well paid for what he had done. +In an evil hour, the candidate undertook to explain, by means of a +handbill, in which he stated that he had been influenced by no other +motive than a desire to do that which he believed to be right. Such a +person was deemed to be wanting in natural abilities, and, as a matter +of course, he was defeated; for your Leaplow elector was not such an ass +as to confide the care of his interests to one who knew so little how to +take care of his own. + +About this time, too, a celebrated dramatist produced a piece in which +the hero performed prodigies under the excitement of patriotism, and the +labor of his pen was incontinently damned for his pains; both pit and +boxes--the galleries dissenting--deciding that it was out of all nature +to represent a monikin incurring danger in this unheard-of manner, +without a motive. The unhappy wight altered the last scene, by causing +his hero to be rewarded by a good, round sum of money, when the piece +had a very respectable run for the rest of the season, though I question +if it ever were as popular as it would have been, had this precaution +been taken before it was first acted. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. THE IMPORTANCE OF MOTIVES TO A LEGISLATOR--MORAL +CONSECUTIVENESS, COMETS, KITES, AND A CONVOY; WITH SOME EVERY-DAY +LEGISLATION; TOGETHER WITH CAUSE AND EFFECT. + + +Legislation, during the occultation of the great moral postulate +Principle by the passage of Pecuniary Interest, is, at the best, but a +melancholy affair. It proved to be peculiarly so with us just at that +moment, for the radiance of the divine property had been a good deal +obscured in the houses, for a long time previously, by the interference +of various minor satellites. In nothing, therefore, did the deplorable +state of things which existed make itself more apparent, than in our +proceedings. + +As Captain Poke and myself, notwithstanding our having taken different +stands in politics, still continued to live together, I had better +opportunities to note the workings of the obscuration on the ingenuous +mind of my colleague than on that of most other persons. He early began +to keep a diary of his expenses, regularly deducting the amount at night +from the sum of eight dollars, and regarding the balance as so much +clear gain. His conversation, too, soon betrayed a leaning to his +personal interests, instead of being of that pure and elevated cast +which should characterize the language of a statesman. He laid down the +position, pretty dogmatically, that legislation, after all, was work; +that "the laborer was worthy of his hire"; and that, for his part, he +felt no great disposition to go through the vexation and trouble of +helping to make laws, unless he could see, with a reasonable certainty, +that something was to be got by it. He thought Leaplow had quite laws +enough as it was--more than she respected or enforced--and if she wanted +any more, all she had to do was to pay for them. He should take an early +occasion to propose that all our wages--or, at any rate, his own; others +might do as they pleased--should be raised, at the very least, two +dollars a day, and this while he merely sat in the house; for he wished +to engage me to move, by way of amendment, that as much more should +be given to the committees. He did not think it was fair to exact of +a member to be a committee-man for nothin', although most of them were +committee-men for nothin'; and if we were called on to keep two watches, +in this manner, the least that could be done would be to give us TWO +PAYS. He said, considering it in the most favorable point of view, that +there was great wear and tear of brain in legislation, and he should +never be the man he was before he engaged in the trade; he assured me +that his idees, sometimes, were so complicated that he did not know +where to find the one he wanted, and that he had wished for a cauda, a +thousand times, since he had been in the house, for, by keeping the +end of it in his hand, like the bight of a rope, he might always have +suthin' tangible to cling to. He told me, as a great secret, that he was +fairly tired of rummaging among his thoughts for the knowledge necessary +to understand what was going on, and that he had finally concluded +to put himself, for the rest of the session, under the convoy of a +God-like. He had been looking out for a fit fugleman of this sort, and +he had pretty much determined to follow the signal of the great God-like +of the Parpendic'lars, like the rest of them, for it would occasion less +confusion in the ranks, and enable him to save himself a vast deal of +trouble in making up his mind. He didn't know, on the whole, but eight +dollars a day might give a living profit, provided he could throw all +the thinking on his God-like, and turn his attention to suthin' else; +he thought of writing his v'y'ges, for he understood that anything from +foreign parts took like wild-fire in Leaplow; and if they didn't take, +he could always project charts for a living. + +Perhaps it will be necessary to explain what Noah meant by saying that +he thought of engaging a God-like. The reader has had some insight into +the nature of one set of political leaders in Leaplow, who are known by +the name of the Most Patriotic Patriots. These persons, it is scarcely +necessary to say, are always with the majority, or in a situation to +avail themselves of the evolutions of the little wheel. Their great +rotatory principle keeps them pretty constantly in motion, it is true; +but while there is a centrifugal force to maintain this action, great +care has been had to provide a centripetal counterpoise, in order to +prevent them from bolting out of the political orbit. It is supposed +to be owing to this peculiarity in their party organizations, that +your Leaplow patriot is so very remarkable for going round and round a +subject, without ever touching it. + +As an offset to this party arrangement, the Perpendiculars have taken +refuge in the God-likes. A God-like, in Leaplow politics, in some +respects resembles a saint in the Catholic calendar; that is to say, he +is canonized, after passing through a certain amount of temptation and +vice with a whole skin; after having his cause pleaded for a certain +number of years before the high authorities of his party; and, usually, +after having had a pretty good taste of purgatory. Canonization +attained, however, all gets to be plain sailing with him. He is spared, +singular as it may appear, even a large portion of his former "wear and +tear" of brains, as Noah had termed it, for nothing puts one so much at +liberty in this respect, as to have full powers to do all the thinking. +Thinking in company, like travelling in company, requires that we should +have some respect to the movements, wishes, and opinions of others; but +he who gets a carte blanche for his sentiments, resembles the uncaged +bird, and may fly in whatever direction most pleases himself, and feel +confident, as he goes, that his ears will be saluted with the usual +traveller's signal of "all's right." I can best compare the operation of +your God-like and his votaries, to the action of a locomotive with +its railroad train. As that goes, this follows; faster or slower, the +movement is certain to be accompanied; when the steam is up they fly, +when the fire is out they crawl, and that, too, with a very uneasy sort +of motion; and when a bolt is broken, they who have just been riding +without the smallest trouble to themselves, are compelled to get out +and push the load ahead as well as they can, frequently with very rueful +faces, and in very dirty ways. The cars whisk about, precisely as the +locomotive whisks about, all the turn-outs are necessarily imitated, +and, in short, one goes after the other very much as it is reasonable to +suppose will happen when two bodies are chained together, and the +entire moving power is given to only one of them. A God-like in Leaplow, +moreover, is usually a Riddle. It was the object of Noah to hitch on +to one of these moral steam-tugs, in order that he too might be dragged +through his duties without effort to himself; an expedient, as the old +sealer expressed it, that would in some degree remedy his natural want +of a cauda, by rendering him nothing but tail. + +"I expect, Sir John," he said, for he had a practice of expecting by +way of conjecture, "I expect this is the reason why the Leaplowers dock +themselves. They find it more convenient to give up the management of +their affairs to some one of these God-likes, and fall into his wake +like the tail of a comet, which makes it quite unnecessary to have any +other cauda." + +"I understand you; they amputate to prevent tautology." + +Noah rarely spoke of any project until his mind was fairly made up; and +the execution usually soon followed the proposition. The next thing I +heard of him, therefore, he was fairly under the convoy, as he called +it, of one of the most prominent of the Riddles. Curious to know how he +liked the experiment, after a week's practice, I called his attention to +the subject, by a pretty direct inquiry. + +He told me it was altogether the pleasantest mode of legislating that +had ever been devised. He was now perfectly master of his own time, and +in fact, he was making out a set of charts for the Leaplow marine, a +task that was likely to bring him in a good round sum, as pumpkins were +cheap, and in the polar seas he merely copied the monikin authorities, +and out of it he had things pretty much his own way. As for the Great +Allegory, when he wanted a hint about it, or, indeed, about any other +point at issue, all he had to do was to inquire what his God-like +thought about it, and to vote accordingly. Then he saved himself a great +deal of breath in the way of argument out of doors, for he and the rest +of the clientele of this Riddle, having officially invested their patron +with all their own parts, the result had been such an accumulation of +knowledge in this one individual, as enabled them ordinarily to floor +any antagonist by the simple quotation of his authority. Such or such +is the opinion of God-like this or of God-like that, was commonly +sufficient; and then there was no lack of material, for he had taken +care to provide himself with a Riddle who, he really believed, had given +an opinion, at some time or other, on every side of every subject +that had ever been mooted in Leaplow. He could nullify, or mollify, or +qualify, with the best of them; and these, which he termed the three +fies, he believed were the great requisites of a Leaplow legislator. +He admitted, however, that some show of independence was necessary, +in order to give value to the opinion of even a God-like, for monikin +nature revolted at anything like total mental dependence; and that he +had pretty much made up his mind to think for himself on a question that +was to be decided that very day. + +The case to which the captain alluded was this. The city of Bivouac was +divided in three pretty nearly equal parts which were separated from +each other by two branches of a marsh; one part of the town being on a +sort of island, and the other two parts on the respective margins of the +low land. It was very desirable to connect these different portions of +the capital by causeways, and a law to that effect had been introduced +in the house. Everybody, in or out of the house, was in favor of the +project, for the causeways had become, in some measure, indispensable. +The only disputed point was the length of the works in question. One who +is but little acquainted with legislation, and who has never witnessed +the effects of an occultation of the great moral postulate Principle, by +the orb Pecuniary Interest, would very plausibly suppose that the whole +affair lay in a nutshell, and that all we had to do was to pass a law +ordering the causeways to extend just as far as the public convenience +rendered it necessary. But these are mere tyros in the affairs of +monikins. The fact was that there were just as many different opinions +and interests at work to regulate the length of the causeways, as there +were, owners of land along their line of route. The great object was to +start in what was called the business quarter of the town, and then +to proceed with the work as far as circumstances would allow. We had +propositions before us in favor of from one hundred feet as far as up to +ten thousand. Every inch was fought for with as much obstinacy as if +it were an important breach that was defended; and combinations and +conspiracies were as rife as if we were in the midst of a revolution. It +was the general idea that by filling in with dirt, a new town might be +built wherever the causeway terminated, and fortunes made by an act of +parliament. The inhabitants of the island rallied en masse against +the causeway leading one inch from their quarter, after it had fairly +reached it; and, so throughout the entire line, monikins battled for +what they called their interests, with an obstinacy worthy of heroes. + +On this great question, for it had, in truth, become of the last +importance by dragging into its consideration most of the leading +measures of the day, as well as six or seven of the principal ordinances +of the Great National Allegory, the respective partisans logically +contending that, for the time being, nothing should advance a foot in +Leaplow that did not travel along that causeway, Noah determined to take +an independent stand. This resolution was not lightly formed, for he +remained rather undecided, until, by waiting a sufficient time, he +felt quite persuaded that nothing was to be got by following any other +course. His God-like luckily was in the same predicament, and everything +promised a speedy occasion to show the world what it was to act on +principle; and this, too, in the middle of a moral eclipse. + +When the question came to be discussed, the landholders along the first +line of the causeway were soon reasoned down by the superior interests +of those who lived on the island. The rub was, the point of permitting +the work to go any further. The islanders manifested great liberality, +according to their account of themselves; for they even consented that +the causeway should be constructed on the other marsh to precisely such +a distance as would enable any one to go as near as possible to the +hostile quarter, without absolutely entering it. To admit the latter, +they proved to demonstration, would be changing the character of their +own island from that of an entrepot to that of a mere thoroughfare. No +reasonable monikin could expect it of them. + +As the Horizontals, by some calculation that I never understood, had +satisfied themselves it might better answer their purposes to construct +the entire work, than to stop anywhere between the two extremes, my duty +was luckily, on this occasion, in exact accordance with my opinions; +and, as a matter of course, I voted, this time, in a way of which I +could approve. Noah, finding himself a free agent, now made his push for +character, and took sides with us. Very fortunately we prevailed, all +the beaten interests joining themselves, at the last moment, to the +weakest side, or, in other words, to that which was right; and Leaplow +presented the singular spectacle of having a just enactment passed +during the occultation of the great moral postulate, so often named. I +ought to mention that I have termed principle a postulate, throughout +this narrative, simply because it is usually in the dilemma of a +disputed proposition. + +No sooner was the result known, than my worthy colleague came round +to the Horizontal side of the house, to express his satisfaction with +himself for the course he had just taken. He said it was certainly very +convenient and very labor-saving to obey a God-like, and that he got on +much better with his charts now he was at liberty to give his whole mind +to the subject; but there was suthin'--he didn't know what--but "a sort +of Stunin'tun feeling" in doing what one thought right, after all, that +caused him to be glad that he had voted for the whole causeway. He did +not own any land in Leaplow, and therefore he concluded that what he had +done, he had done for the best; at any rate, if he had got nothin' by +it, he had lost nothin' by it, and he hoped all would come right in the +end. The people of the island, it is true, had talked pretty fair about +what they would do for those who should sustain their interests, but he +had got sick of a currency in promises; and fair words, at his time +of life, didn't go for much; and so, on the whole, he had pretty much +concluded to do as he had done. He thought no one could call in question +his vote, for he was just as poor and as badly off now he had voted, as +he was while he was making up his mind. For his part, he shouldn't be +ashamed, hereafter, to look both Deacon Snort and the Parson in the +face, when he got home, or even Miss Poke. He knew what it was to have a +clean conscience, as well as any man; for none so well knew what it was +to be without anything, as they who had felt by experience its want. His +God-like was a very labor-saving God-like, but he had found, on inquiry, +that he came from another part of the island, and that he didn't care a +straw which way his kite-tail (Noah's manner of pronouncing clientele) +voted. In short, he defied any one to say ought ag'in' him this time, +and he was not sorry the occasion had offered to show his independence, +for his enemies had not been backward in remarking that, for some days, +he had been little better than a speaking-trumpet to roar out anything +his God-like might wish to have proclaimed. He concluded by stating that +he could not hold out much longer without meat of some sort or other, +and by begging that I would second a resolution he thought of offering, +by which regular substantial rations were to be dealt out to all the +human part of the house. The inhumans might live upon nuts still, if +they liked them. + +I remonstrated against the project of the rations, made a strong appeal +to his pride, by demonstrating that we should be deemed little better +than brutes if we were seen eating flesh, and advised him to cause +some of his nuts to be roasted, by way of variety. After a good deal of +persuasion, he promised further abstinence, although he went away with a +singularly carnivorous look about the mouth, and an eye that spoke pork +in every glance. + +I was at home the next day, busy with my friend the brigadier, in +looking over the Great National Allegory, with a view to prevent +falling, unwittingly, into any more offences of quoting its opinions, +when Noah burst into the room, as rabid as a wolf that had been bitten +by a whole pack of hounds. Such, indeed, was, in some measure, his +situation; for, according to his statement, he had been baited that +morning, in the public streets even, by every monikin, monikina, +monikino, brat, and beggar, that he had seen. Astonished to hear that +my colleague had fallen into this disfavor with his constitutents, I was +not slow in asking an explanation. + +The captain affirmed that the matter was beyond the reach of any +explanation it was in his power to give. He had voted in the affair of +the causeway, in strict conformity with the dictates of his conscience, +and yet here was the whole population accusing him of bribery--nay, +even the journals had openly flouted at him for what they called his +barefaced and flagrant corruption. Here the captain laid before us six +or seven of the leading journals of Bivouac, in all of which his late +vote was treated with quite as little ceremony as if it had been an +unequivocal act of sheep-stealing. + +I looked at my friend the brigadier for an explanation. After running +his eye over the articles in the journals, the latter smiled, and cast a +look of commiseration at our colleague. + +"You have certainly committed a grave fault here, my friend," he said, +"and one that is seldom forgiven in Leaplow--perhaps I might say never, +during the occultation of the great moral postulate, as happens to be +the case at present." + +"Tell me my sins at once, brigadier," cried Noah, with the look of a +martyr, "and put me out of pain." + +"You have forgotten to display a motive for your stand during the late +hot discussion; and, as a matter of course, the community ascribes the +worst that monikin ingenuity can devise. Such an oversight would ruin +even a God-like!" + +"But, my dear Mr. Downright," I kindly interposed, "our colleague, in +this instance, is supposed to have acted on principle." + +The brigadier looked up, turning his nose into the air, like a pup that +has not yet opened its eyes, and then intimated that he could not see +the quality I had named, it being obscured by the passage of the orb of +Pecuniary Interest before its disc. I now began to comprehend the case, +which really was much more grave than, at first, I could have believed +possible. Noah himself seemed staggered; for, I believe, he had fallen +on the simple and natural expedient of inquiring what he himself would +have thought of the conduct of a colleague who had given a vote on a +subject so weighty, without exposing a motive. + +"Had the captain owned but a foot square of earth, at the end of the +causeway," observed the brigadier, mournfully, "the matter might be +cleared up; but as things are, it is beyond dispute, a most unfortunate +occurrence." + +"But Sir John voted with me, and he is no more a free-holder in Leaplow, +than I am myself." + +"True; but Sir John voted with the bulk of his political friends." + +"All the Horizontals were not in the majority; for at least twenty went, +on this occasion, with the minority." + +"Undeniable--yet every monikin of them had a visible motive. This owned +a lot by the wayside; that had houses on the island, and another was the +heir of a great proprietor at the same point of the road. Each and all +had their distinct and positive interests at stake, and not one of them +was guilty of so great a weakness as to leave his cause to be defended +by the extravagant pretension of mere principle!" + +"My God-like, the greatest of all the Riddles, absented himself, and did +not vote at all." + +"Simply because he had no good ground to justify any course he might +take. No public monikin can expect to escape censure, if he fail to put +his friends, in the way of citing some plausible and intelligible motive +for his conduct." + +"How, sir! cannot a man, once in his life, do an act without being +bought like a horse or a dog, and escape with an inch of character?" + +"I shall not take upon myself to say what MEN can do," returned the +brigadier; "no doubt they manage this affair better than it is managed +here; but, so far as monikins are concerned, there is no course more +certain to involve a total loss of character--I may say so destructive +to reputation even for intellect--as to act without a good, apparent, +and substantial MOTIVE." + +"In the name of God, what is to be done, brigadier?" + +"I see no other course than to resign. Your constituents must very +naturally have lost all confidence in you; for one who so very obviously +neglects his own interests, it cannot be supposed will be very tenacious +about protecting the interests of others. If you would escape with +the little character that is left, you will forthwith resign. I do not +perceive the smallest chance for you by going through gyration No. 4, +both public opinions uniformly condemning the monikin who acts without a +pretty obvious, as well as a pretty weighty motive." + +Noah made a merit of necessity; and, after some further deliberation +between us, he signed his name to the following letter to the speaker, +which was drawn up on the spot, by the brigadier. + +"Mr. Speaker:--The state of my health obliges me to return the high +political trust which has been confided to me by the citizens of +Bivouac, into the hands from which it was received. In tendering my +resignation, I wish to express the great regret with which I part from +colleagues so every way worthy of profound respect and esteem, and I beg +you to assure them, that wherever fate may hereafter lead me, I shall +ever retain the deepest regard for every honorable member with whom it +has been my good fortune to serve. The emigrant interest, in particular, +will ever be the nearest and dearest to my heart." Signed, + +"NOAH POKE." + +The captain did not affix his name to this letter without many heavy +sighs, and divers throes of ambition; for even a mistaken politician +yields to necessity with regret. Having changed the word emigrant to +that of "immigrunt," however, he put as good a face as possible on the +matter, and wrote the fatal signature. He then left the house, declaring +he didn't so much begrudge his successor the pay, as nothing but nuts +were to be had with the money; and that, as for himself, he felt as +sneaking as he believed was the case with Nebuchadnezzar, when he was +compelled to get down on all-fours, and eat grass. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX. SOME EXPLANATIONS--A HUMAN APPETITE--A DINNER AND A BONNE +BOUCHE. + + +The brigadier and myself remained behind to discuss the general bearings +of this unexpected event. + +"Your rigid demand for motives, my good sir," I remarked, "reduces the +Leaplow political morality very much, after all, to the level of the +social-stake system of our part of the world." + +"They both depend on the crutch of personal Interests, it is true; +though there is, between them, the difference of the interests of a part +and of the interests of the whole." + +"And could a part act less commendably than the whole appear to have +acted in this instance?" + +"You forget that Leaplow, just at this moment, is under a moral eclipse. +I shall not say that these eclipses do not occur often, but they occur +quite as frequently in other parts of the region, as they occur here. +We have three great modes of controlling monikin affairs, viz., the one, +the few, and the many--" + +"Precisely the same classification exists among men!" I interrupted. + +"Some of our improvements are reflected backward; twilight following +as well as preceding the passage of the sun," quite coolly returned the +brigadier. "We think that the many come nearest to balancing the evil, +although we are far from believing even them to be immaculate. Admitting +that the tendencies to wrong are equal in the three systems (which we do +not, however, for we think our own has the least), it is contended +that the many escape one great source of oppression and injustice, by +escaping the onerous provisions which physical weakness is compelled to +make, in order to protect itself against physical strength." + +"This is reversing a very prevalent opinion among men, sir, who +usually maintain that the tyranny of the many is the worst sort of all +tyrannies." + +"This opinion has got abroad simply because the lion has not been +permitted to draw his own picture. As cruelty is commonly the +concomitant of cowardice, so is oppression nine times out of ten the +result of weakness. It is natural for the few to dread the many, +while it is not natural for the many to dread the few. Then, under +institutions in which the many rule, certain great principles that +are founded on natural justice, as a matter of course, are openly +recognized; and it is rare, indeed, that they do not, more or less, +influence the public acts. On the other hand, the control of a few +requires that these same truths should be either mystified or entirely +smothered: and the consequence is injustice." + +"But, admitting all your maxims, brigadier, as regards the few and the +many, you must yourself allow that here, in your beloved Leaplow itself, +monikins consult their own interests; and this, after all, is acting on +the fundamental principle of the great European social-stake system." + +"Meaning that the goods of the world ought to be the test of political +power. By the sad confusion which exists among us, at this moment, Sir +John, you must perceive that we are not exactly under the most salutary +of all possible influences. I take it that the great desideratum of +society is to be governed by certain great moral truths. The inferences +and corollaries of these truths are principles, which come of heaven. +Now, agreeably to the monikin dogmas, the love of money is 'of the +earth, earthy'; and, at the first blush, it would not seem to be quite +safe to receive such an inducement as the governing motive of one +monikin, and, by a pretty fair induction, it would seem to be equally +unwise to admit it for a good many. You will remember, also, that +when none but the rich have authority, they control not only their own +property, but that of others who have less. Your principle supposes, +that in taking care of his own, the elector of wealth must take care of +what belongs to the rest of the community; but our experience shows +that a monikin can be particularly careful of himself, and singularly +negligent of his neighbor. Therefore do we hold that money is a bad +foundation for power." + +"You unsettle everything, brigadier, without finding a substitute." + +"Simply because it is easy to unsettle everything and very difficult to +find substitutes. But, as respects the base of society, I merely doubt +the wisdom of setting up a qualification that we all know depends on an +unsound principle. I much fear, Sir John, that, so long as monikins are +monikins, we shall never be quite perfect; and as to your social-stake +system, I am of opinion that as society is composed of all, it may be +well to hear what all have to say about its management." + +"Many men, and, I dare say, many monikins, are not to be trusted even +with the management of their own concerns." + +"Very true; but it does not follow that other men, or other monikins, +will lose sight of their own interests on this account, if vested with +the right to act as their substitutes. You have been long enough a +legislator, now, to have got some idea how difficult it is to make even +a direct and responsible representative respect entirely the interests +and wishes of his constituents; and the fact will show you how little +he will be likely to think of others, who believes that he acts as their +master and not as their servant." + +"The amount of all this, brigadier, is that you have little faith in +monikin disinterestedness, in any shape; that you believe he who is +intrusted with power will abuse it; and therefore, you choose to divide +the trust, in order to divide the abuses; that the love of money is an +'earthy' quality, and not to be confided in as the controlling power of +a state; and, finally, that the social-stake system is radically wrong, +inasmuch as it is no more than carrying out a principle that is in +itself defective." + +My companion gaped, like one content to leave the matter there. I +wished him a good morning, and walked upstairs in quest of Noah, whose +carnivorous looks had given me considerable uneasiness. The captain was +out; and, after searching for him in the streets for an hour or two, I +returned to our abode fatigued and hungry. + +At no great distance from our own door, I met Judge People's Friend, +shorn and dejected, and I stopped to say a kind word, before going up +the ladder. It was quite impossible to see a gentleman, whom one had met +in good society and in better fortunes, with every hair shaved from his +body, his apology for a tail still sore from its recent amputation, and +his entire mien expressive of republican humility, without a desire to +condole with him. I expressed my regrets, therefore, as succinctly as +possible, encouraging him with the hope of seeing a new covering of down +before long, but delicately abstaining from any allusion to the cauda, +whose loss I knew was irretrievable. To my great surprise, however, the +judge answered cheerfully; discarding, for the moment, every appearance +of self-abasement and mortification. + +"How is this?" I cried; "you are not then miserable?" + +"Very far from it, Sir John--I never was in better spirits, or had +better prospects, in my life." + +I remembered the extraordinary manner in which the brigadier had +saved Noah's head, and was fully resolved not to be astonished at any +manifestation of monikin ingenuity. Still I could not forbear demanding +an explanation. + +"Why, it may seem odd to you, Sir John, to find a politician, who is +apparently in the depths of despair, really on the eve of a glorious +preferment. Such, however, is in fact my case. In Leaplow, humility is +everything. The monikin who will take care and repeat sufficiently often +that he is just the poorest devil going, that he is absolutely unfit for +even the meanest employment in the land, and in other respects ought to +be hooted out of society, may very safely consider himself in a fair way +to be elevated to some of the dignities he declares himself the least +fitted to fill." + +"In such a case, all he will have to do then, will be to make +his choice, and denounce himself loudest touching his especial +disqualifications for that very station?" + +"You are apt, Sir John, and would succeed, if you would only consent to +remain among us!" said the judge, winking. + +"I begin to see into your management--after all, you are neither +miserable nor ashamed?" + +"Not the least in the world. It is of more importance for monikins of +my calibre to seem to be anything than to be it. My fellow-citizens are +usually satisfied with this sacrifice; and, now principle is eclipsed, +nothing is easier." + +"But how happens it, judge, that one of your surprising dexterity +and agility should be caught tripping? I had thought you particularly +expert, and infallible in all the gyrations. Perhaps the little affair +of the cauda has leaked out?" + +The judge laughed in my face. + +"I see you know little of us, after all, Sir John. Here have we +proscribed caudae, as anti-republican, both public opinions setting +their faces against them; and yet a monikin may wear one abroad a mile +long with impunity if he will just submit to a new dock when he comes +home, and swear that he is the most miserable wretch going. If he can +throw in a favorable word, too, touching the Leaplow cats and dogs--Lord +bless you, sir! they would pardon treason!" + +"I begin to comprehend your policy, judge, if not your polity. Leaplow +being a popular government, it becomes necessary that its public agents +should be popular too. Now, as monikins naturally delight in their own +excellences, nothing so disposes them to give credit to another, as his +professions that he is worse than themselves." + +The judge nodded and grinned. + +"But another word, dear sir--as you feel yourself constrained to commend +the cats and dogs of Leaplow, do you belong to that school of philocats, +who take their revenge for their amenity to the quadrupeds, by berating +their fellow-creatures?" + +The judge started, and glanced about him as if he dreaded a thief-taker. +Then earnestly imploring me to respect his situation, he added in a +whisper, that the subject of the people was sacred with him, that +he rarely spoke of them without a reverence, and that his favorable +sentiments in relation to the cats and dogs were not dependent on any +particular merits of the animals themselves, but merely because they +were the people's cats and dogs. Fearful that I might say something +still more disagreeable, the judge hastened to take his leave, and I +never saw him afterward. I make no doubt, however, that in good time his +hair grew as he grew again into favor, and that he found the means to +exhibit the proper length of tail on all suitable occasions. + +A crowd in the street now caught my attention. On approaching it, a +colleague who was there was kind enough to explain its cause. + +It would seem that certain Leaphighers had been travelling in Leaplow; +and, not satisfied with this liberty, they had actually written books +concerning things that they had seen, and things that they had not +seen. As respects the latter, neither of the public opinions was +very sensitive, although many of them reflected on the Great National +Allegory and the sacred rights of monikins; but as respects the former, +there was a very lively excitement. These writers had the audacity to +say that the Leaplowers had cut off all their caudae, and the whole +community was convulsed at an outrage so unprecedented. It was one thing +to take such a step, and another to have it proclaimed to the world in +books. If the Leaplowers had no tails, it was clearly their own fault. +Nature had formed them with tails. They had bobbed themselves on a +republican principle; and no one's principles ought to be thrown into +his face, in this rude manner, more especially during a moral eclipse. + +The dispensers of the essence of lopped tails threatened vengeance; +caricaturists were put in requisition; some grinned, some menaced, some +swore, and all read! + +I left the crowd, taking the direction of my door again, pondering on +this singular state of society, in which a peculiarity that had been +deliberately and publicly adopted, should give rise to a sensitiveness +of a character so unusual. I very well knew that men are commonly more +ashamed of natural imperfections than those which, in a great measure, +depend on themselves; but then men are, in their own estimation at +least, placed by nature at the head of creation, and in that capacity +it is reasonable to suppose they will be jealous of their natural +privileges. The present case was rather Leaplow than generic; and I +could only account for it, by supposing that nature had placed certain +nerves in the wrong part of the Leaplow anatomy. + +On entering the house, a strong smell of roasted meat saluted my +nostrils, causing a very unphilosophical pleasure to the olfactory +nerves, a pleasure which acted very directly, too, on the gastric juices +of the stomach. In plain English, I had very sensible evidence that it +was not enough to transport a man to the monikin region, send him to +parliament, and keep him on nuts for a week, to render him exclusively +ethereal, I found it was vain "to kick against the pricks." The odor of +roasted meat was stronger than all the facts just named, and I was +fain to abandon philosophy, and surrender to the belly. I descended +incontinently to the kitchen, guided by a sense no more spiritual than +that which directs the hound in the chase. + +On opening the door of our refectory, such a delicious perfume greeted +the nose, that I melted like a romantic girl at the murmur of a +waterfall, and, losing sight of all the sublime truths so lately +acquired, I was guilty of the particular human weakness which is usually +described as having the "mouth water." + +The sealer had quite taken leave of his monikin forbearance, and was +enjoying himself in a peculiarly human manner. A dish of roasted meat +was lying before him, and his eyes fairly glared as he turned them from +me to the viand, in a way to render it a little doubtful whether I was +a welcome visitor. But that honest old principle of seamen which never +refuses to share equally with an ancient mess-mate, got the better even +of his voracity. + +"Sit down, Sir John," the captain cried, without ceasing to masticate, +"and make no bones of it. To own the fact, the latter are almost as good +as the flesh. I never tasted a sweeter morsel!" + +I did not wait for a second invitation, the reader may be sure; and in +less than ten minutes the dish was as clear as a table that had been +swept by harpies. As this work is intended for one in which truth is +rigidly respected, I shall avow that I do not remember any cultivation +of sentiment which gave me half so much satisfaction as that short and +hurried repast. I look back to it, even now, as to the very beau ideal +of a dinner! Its fault was in the quantity, and not in quality. + +I gazed greedily about for more. Just then, I caught a glimpse of a face +that seemed looking at me with melancholy reproach. The truth flashed +upon me in a flood of horrible remorse. Rushing upon Noah like a tiger, +I seized him by the throat, and cried, in a voice of despair: + +"Cannibal! what hast thou done?" + +"Loosen your grip, Sir John--we do not relish these hugs at Stunin'tun." + +"Wretch! thou hast made me the participator of thy crime! We have eaten +Brigadier Downright." + +"Loosen, Sir John, or human natur' will rebel." + +"Monster! give up thy unholy repast--dost not see a million reproaches +in the eyes of the innocent victim of thy insatiable appetites?" + +"Cast off, Sir John, cast off, while we are friends, I care not if I +have swallowed all the brigadiers in Leaplow--off hands!" + +"Never, monster! until thou disgorgest thy unholy meal!" + +Noah could endure no more; but, seizing me by the throat, on the +retaliating principle, I soon had some such sensations as one would +be apt to feel if his gullet were in a vice. I shall not attempt to +describe very minutely the miracle that followed. Hanging ought to be +an effectual remedy for many delusions; for, in my case, the bowstring +I was under certainly did wonders in a very short time. Gradually the +whole scene changed. First came a mist, then a vertigo; and finally, as +the captain relaxed his hold, objects appeared in new forms, and instead +of being in our lodgings in Bivouac, I found myself in my old apartment +in the Rue de Rivoli, Paris. + +"King!" exclaimed Noah, who stood before me, red in the face with +exertion; "this is no boy's play, and if it's to be repeated, I shall +use a lashing! Where would be the harm, Sir John, if a man had eaten a +monkey?" + +Astonishment kept me mute. Every object, just as I had left it the +morning we started for London, on our way to Leaphigh, was there. A +table, in the centre of the room, was covered with sheets of paper +closely written over, which, on examination, I found contained this +manuscript as far as the last chapter. Both the captain and myself were +attired as usual; I a la Parisien and he a la Stunin'tun. A small ship, +very ingeniously made, and very accurately rigged, lay on the floor, +with "Walrus" written on her stern. As my bewildered eye caught a +glimpse of this vessel, Noah informed me that, having nothing to do +except to look after my welfare (a polite way of characterizing his ward +over my person, as I afterward found), he had employed his leisure in +constructing the toy. + +All was inexplicable. There was really the smell of meat. I had also +that peculiar sensation of fulness which is apt to succeed a dinner, and +a dish well filled with bones was in plain view. I took up one of the +latter, in order to ascertain its genus. The captain kindly informed +me that it was the remains of a pig, which had cost him a great deal of +trouble to obtain, as the French viewed the act of eating a pig as very +little less heinous than the act of eating a child. Suspicions began to +trouble me, and I now turned to look for the head and reproachful eye of +the brigadier. + +The head was where I had just before seen it, visible over the top of a +trunk; but it was so far raised as to enable me to see that it was still +planted on its shoulders. A second look enabled me to distinguish the +meditative, philosophical countenance of Dr. Reasono, who was still in +the hussar-jacket and petticoat, though, being in the house, he had very +properly laid aside the Spanish hat with bedraggled feathers. + +A movement followed in the antechamber, and a hurried conversation, in +a low, earnest tone, succeeded. The captain disappeared, and joined +the speakers. I listened intently, but could not catch any of the +intonations of a dialect founded on the decimal principle. Presently the +door opened, and Dr. Etherington stood before me! + +The good divine regarded me long and earnestly. Tears filled his eyes, +and, stretching out both hands towards me, he asked: + +"Do you know me, Jack?" + +"Know you, dear sir!--Why should I not?" + +"And do you forgive me, dear boy?" + +"For what, sir?--I am sure, I have most reason to demand your pardon for +a thousand follies." + +"Ah! the letter--the unkind--the inconsiderate letter!" + +"I have not had a letter from you, sir, in a twelvemonth; the last was +anything but unkind." + +"Though Anna wrote, it was at my dictation." + +I passed a hand over my brow, and had dawnings of the truth. + +"Anna?" + +"Is here--in Paris--and miserable--most miserable!--on your account." + +Every particle of monikinity that was left in my system instantly gave +way to a flood of human sensations. + +"Let me fly to her, dear sir--a moment is an age!" + +"Not just yet, my boy. We have much to say to each other, nor is she in +this hotel. To-morrow, when both are better prepared, you shall meet." + +"Add, never to separate, sir, and I will be patient as a lamb." + +"Never to separate, I believe it will be better to say." + +I hugged my venerable guardian, and found a delicious relief from a most +oppressive burden of sensations, in a flow of tears, + +Dr. Etherington soon led me into a calmer tone of mind. In the course +of the day, many matters were discussed and settled. I was told that +Captain Poke had been a good nurse, though in a sealing fashion; and +that the least I could do was to send him back to Stunin'tun, free of +cost. This was agreed to, and the worthy but dogmatical mariner was +promised the means of fitting out a new "Debby and Dolly." + +"These philosophers had better be presented to some academy," observed +the doctor, smiling, as he pointed to the family of amiable strangers, +"being already F. U. D. G. E.'s and H. O. A. X.'s. Mr. Reasono, in +particular, is unfit for ordinary society." + +"Do with them as you please, my more than father. Let the poor animals, +however, be kept from physical suffering." + +"Attention shall be paid to all their wants, both physical and moral." + +"And in a day or two, we shall proceed to the rectory?" + +"The day after to-morrow, if you have strength." + +"And to-morrow?" + +"Anna will see you." + +"And the next day?" + +"Nay, not quite so soon, Jack; but the moment we think you perfectly +restored, she shall share your fortunes for the remainder of your common +probation." + + + + +CHAPTER XXX. EXPLANATIONS--A LEAVE-TAKING--LOVE--CONFESSIONS, BUT NO +PENITENCE. + + +A night of sweet repose left me refreshed, and with a pulse that denoted +less agitation than on the preceding day. I awoke early, had a bath, and +sent for Captain Poke to take his coffee with me, before we parted; +for it had been settled, the previous evening, that he was to proceed +towards Stunin'tun forthwith. My old messmate, colleague, co-adventurer, +and fellow-traveller, was not slow in obeying the summons. I confess his +presence was a comfort to me, for I did not like looking at objects that +had been so inexplicably replaced before my eyes, unsupported by the +countenance of one who had gone through so many grave scenes in my +company. + +"This has been a very extraordinary voyage of ours, Captain Poke," I +remarked, after the worthy sealer had swallowed sixteen eggs, an omelet, +seven cotelettes, and divers accessories. "Do you think of publishing +your private journal?" + +"Why, in my opinion, Sir John, the less that either of us says of the +v'y'ge the better." + +"And why so? We have had the discoveries of Columbus, Cook, Vancouver, +and Hudson--why not those of Captain Poke?" + +"To own the truth, we sealers do not like to speak of our cruising +grounds--and, as for these monikins, after all, what are they good for? +A thousand of them wouldn't make a quart of 'ile, and by all accounts +their fur is worth next to nothin'." + +"Do you account their philosophy for nothing? and their +jurisprudence?--you, who were so near losing your head, and who did +actually lose your tail, by the axe of the executioner?" + +Noah placed a hand behind him, fumbling about the seat of reason, with +evident uneasiness. Satisfied that no harm had been done, he very coolly +placed half a muffin in what he called his "provision hatchway." + +"You will give me this pretty model of our good old 'Walrus,' captain?" + +"Take it, o' Heaven's sake, Sir John, and good luck to you with it. You, +who give me a full-grown schooner, will be but poorly paid with a toy." + +"It's as like the dear old craft as one pea is like another!" + +"I dare say it may be. I never knew a model that hadn't suthin' of the +original in it." + +"Well, my good shipmate, we must part. You know I am to go and see the +lady who is soon to be my wife, and the diligence will be ready to take +you to Havre, before I return." + +"God bless you! Sir John--God bless you!" Noah blew his nose till +it rung like a French horn. I thought his little coals of eyes were +glittering, too, more than common, most probably with moisture. "You're +a droll navigator, and make no more of the ice than a colt makes of +a rail. But though the man at the wheel is not always awake the heart +seldom sleeps." + +"When the 'Debby and Dolly' is fairly in the water, you will do me the +pleasure of letting me know it." + +"Count on me, Sir John. Before we part, I have, however, a small favor +to ask." + +"Name it." + +Here Noah drew out of his pocket a sort of basso relievo carved in pine. +It represented Neptune armed with a harpoon instead of a trident; the +captain always contending that the god of the seas should never carry +the latter, but that, in its place, he should be armed either with the +weapon he had given him, or with a boat-hook. On the right of Neptune +was an English gentleman holding out a bag of guineas. On the other was +a female who, I was told, represented the goddess of liberty, while +it was secretly a rather flattering likeness of Miss Poke. The face of +Neptune was supposed to have some similitude to that of her husband. The +captain, with that modesty which is invariably the companion of merit in +the arts, asked permission to have a copy of this design placed on +the schooner's stern. It would have been churlish to refuse such a +compliment; and I now offered Noah my hand, as the time for parting had +arrived. The sealer grasped me rather tightly, and seemed disposed to +say more than adieu. + +"You are going to see an angel, Sir John." + +"How!--Do you know anything of Miss Etherington?" + +"I should be as blind as an old bumboat else. During our late v'y'ge, I +saw her often." + +"This is strange!--But there is evidently something on your mind, my +friend; speak freely." + +"Well, then, Sir John, talk of anything but of our v'y'ge, to the dear +crittur. I do not think she is quite prepared yet to hear of all the +wonders we saw." + +I promised to be prudent; and the captain, shaking me cordially by +the hand, finally wished me farewell. There were some rude touches of +feeling in his manner, which reacted on certain chords in my own system; +and he had been gone several minutes before I recollected that it +was time to go to the Hotel de Castile. Too impatient to wait for a +carriage, I flew along the streets on foot, believing that my own fiery +speed would outstrip the zigzag movement of a fiacre or a cabriolet tie +flace. + +Dr. Etherington met me at the door of his appartement, and led me to an +inner room without speaking. Here he stood gazing, for some time, in my +face, with paternal concern. + +"She expects you, Jack, and believes that you rang the bell." + +"So much the better, dear sir. Let us not lose a moment; let me fly and +throw myself at her feet, and implore her pardon." + +"For what, my good boy?" + +"For believing that any social stake can equal that which a man feels in +the nearest, dearest ties of earth!" + +The excellent rector smiled, but he wished to curb my impatience. + +"You have already every stake in society, Sir John Goldencalf," he +answered--assuming the air which human beings have, by a general +convention, settled shall be dignified--"that any reasonable man can +desire. The large fortune left by your late father, raises you, in this +respect, to the height of the richest in the land; and now that you are +a baronet, no one will dispute your claim to participate in the councils +of the nation. It would perhaps be better, did your creation date a +century or two nearer the commencement of the monarchy; but, in this +age of innovations, we must take things as they are, and not as we might +wish to have them." + +I rubbed my forehead, for the doctor had incidentally thrown out an +embarrassing idea. + +"On your principle, my dear sir, society would be obliged to begin with +its great-grandfathers to qualify itself for its own government." + +"Pardon me, Jack, if I have said anything disagreeable--no doubt all +will come right in heaven. Anna will be uneasy at our delay." + +This suggestion drove all recollection of the good rector's social-stake +system, which was exactly the converse of the social-stake system of +my late ancestor, quite out of my head. Springing forward, I gave him +reason to see that he would have no farther trouble in changing the +subject. When we had passed an antechamber, he pointed to a door, and +admonishing me to be prudent, withdrew. + +My hand trembled as it touched the door-knob, but the lock yielded. Anna +was standing in the middle of the room (she had heard my footsteps), an +image of womanly loveliness, womanly faith, and womanly feeling. By a +desperate effort, she was, however, mistress of her emotions. Though her +pure soul seemed willing to fly to meet me, she obviously restrained the +impulse, in order to spare my nerves. + +"Dear Jack!"--and both her soft, white, pretty little hands met me, as I +eagerly approached. + +"Anna!--dearest Anna!"--I covered the rosy fingers with kisses. + +"Let us be tranquil, Jack, and if possible, endeavor to be reasonable, +too." + +"If I thought this could really cost one habitually discreet as you an +effort, Anna?" + +"One habitually discreet as I, is as likely to feel strongly on meeting +an old friend, as another." + +"I think it would make me perfectly happy, could I see thee weep." + +As if waiting only for this hint, Anna burst into a flood of tears. +I was frightened, for her sobs became hysterical and convulsed. Those +precious sentiments which had been so long imprisoned in her gentle +bosom, obtained the mastery, and I was well paid for my selfishness, +by experiencing an alarm little less violent than her own outpouring of +feeling. + +Touching the incidents, emotions, and language of the next half hour, +it is not my intention to be very communicative. Anna was ingenuous, +unreserved, and, if I might judge by the rosy blushes that suffused +her sweet face, and the manner in which she extricated herself from my +protecting arms, I believe I must add, she deemed herself indiscreet in +that she had been so unreserved and ingenuous. + +"We can now converse more calmly, Jack," the dear creature resumed, +after she had erased the signs of emotion from her cheeks--"more calmly, +if not more sensibly." + +"The wisdom of Solomon is not half so precious as the words I have just +heard--and as for the music of spheres--" + +"It is a melody that angels only enjoy." + +"And art not thou an angel?" + +"No, Jack, only a poor, confiding girl; one instinct with the affections +and weaknesses of her sex, and one whom it must be your part to sustain +and direct. If we begin by calling each other by these superhuman +epithets, we may awake from the delusion sooner than if we commence with +believing ourselves to be no other than what we really are. I love you +for your kind, excellent, and generous heart, Jack; and as for these +poetical beings, they are rather proverbial, I believe, for having no +hearts at all." + +As Anna mildly checked my exaggeration of language--after ten years of +marriage I am unwilling to admit there was any exaggeration of idea--she +placed her little velvet hand in mine again, smiling away all the +severity of the reproof. + +"Of one thing, I think you may rest perfectly assured, dear girl," I +resumed, after a moment's reflection. "All my old opinions concerning +expansion and contraction are radically changed. I have carried out the +principle of the social-stake system in the extreme, and cannot say that +I have been at all satisfied with its success. At this moment I am the +proprietor of vested interests which are scattered over half the world. +So far from finding that I love my kind any more for all these +social stakes, I am compelled to see that the wish to protect one, is +constantly driving me into acts of injustice against all the others. +There is something wrong, depend on it, Anna, in the old dogmas of +political economists!" + +"I know little of these things, Sir John, but to one ignorant as +myself, it would appear that the most certain security for the righteous +exercise of power is to be found in just principles." + +"If available, beyond a question. They who contend that the debased and +ignorant are unfit to express their opinions concerning the public weal, +are obliged to own that they can only be restrained by force. Now, as +knowledge is power, their first precaution is to keep them ignorant; and +then they quote this very ignorance, with all its debasing consequences, +as an argument against their participating in authority with themselves. +I believe there can be no safe medium between a frank admission of the +whole principle--" + +"You should remember, dear Goldencalf, that this is a subject on which I +know but little. It ought to be sufficient for us that we find things as +they are; if change is actually necessary, we should endeavor to effect +it with prudence and a proper regard to justice." + +Anna, while kindly leading me back from my speculations, looked both +anxious and pained. + +"True--true"--I hurriedly rejoined, for a world would not tempt me to +prolong her suffering for a moment. "I am foolish and forgetful, to +be talking thus at such a moment; but I have endured too much to be +altogether unmindful of ancient theories. I thought it might be +grateful to you, at least, to know, Anna, that I have ceased to look +for happiness in my affections for all, and am only so much the better +disposed to turn in search of it to one." + +"To love our neighbor as ourself, is the latest and highest of the +divine commands," the dear girl answered, looking a thousand times more +lovely than ever, for my conclusion was very far from being displeasing +to her. "I do not know that this object is to be attained by centring +in our persons as many of the goods of life as possible; but I do think, +Jack, that the heart which loves one truly, will be so much the better +disposed to entertain kind feelings towards all others." + +I kissed the hand she had given me, and we now began to talk a little +more like people of the world, concerning our movements. The interview +lasted an hour longer, when the heaven. "You never yet were so unkind to +one who was offensive; much less could you willingly have plotted this +cruelty to one you regard!" + +Anna could no longer control herself, but her cheeks were wetted with +the usual signs of feeling in her sex. Then smiling in the midst of +this little outbreaking of womanly sensibility, her countenance became +playful and radiant. + +"That letter ought not to be altogether proscribed, neither, Jack. Had +it not been written, you would never have visited Leaphigh, nor +Leaplow, nor have seen any of those wonderful spectacles which are here +recorded." + +The dear creature laid her hand on a roll of manuscript which she had +just returned to me, after its perusal. At the same time, her face +flushed, as vivid and transient feelings are reflected from the features +of the innocent and ingenuous, and she made a faint effort to laugh. + +I passed a hand over my brow, for whenever this subject is alluded to +between us, I invariably feel that there is a species of mistiness, in +and about the region of thought. I was not displeased, however, for +I knew that a heart which loved so truly would not willingly cause +me pain, nor would one habitually so gentle and considerate, utter a +syllable that she might have reason to think would seriously displease. + +"Hadst thou been with me, love, that journey would always be remembered +as one of the pleasantest events of my life, for, while it had its +perils and its disagreeables, it had also its moments of extreme +satisfaction." + +"You will never be an adept in political saltation, John!" + +"Perhaps not--but here is a document that will render it less necessary +than formerly." + +I threw her a packet which had been received that morning from town, by +a special messenger, but of whose contents I had not yet spoken. Anna +was too young a wife to open it without an approving look from my fond +eye. On glancing over its contents, she perceived that I was raised to +the House of Peers by the title of Viscount Householder. The purchase of +three more boroughs, and the influence of my old friend Lord Pledge, had +done it all. + +The sweet girl looked pleased, for I believe it is in female nature +to like to be a viscountess; but, throwing herself into my arms, she +protested that her joy was at my elevation and not at her own. + +"I owed you this effort, Anna, as some acknowledgment for your faith and +disinterestedness in the affair of Lord M'Dee." + +"And yet, Jack, he had neither high cheek-bones, nor red hair; and his +accent was such as might please a girl less capricious than myself!" + +This was said playfully and coquettishly, but in a way to make me feel +how near folly would have been to depriving me of a treasure, had the +heart I so much prized been less ingenuous and pure. I drew the dear +creature to my bosom, as if afraid my rival might yet rob me of her +possession. Anna looked up, smiling through her tears; and, making an +effort to be calm, she said, in a voice so smothered as to prove how +delicate she felt the subject to be:-- + +"We will speak seldom of this journey, dear John, and try to think of +the long and dark journey which is yet before us. We will speak of it, +however, for there should be nothing totally concealed between us." + +I kissed her serene and humid eyes, and repeated what she had just said, +syllable for syllable. Anna has not been unmindful of her words; +for rarely, indeed, has she touched on the past, and then oftener in +allusion to her own sorrows, than in reference to my impressions. + +But, while the subject of my voyage to the monikin region is, in +a measure, forbidden between me and my wife, there exists no such +restraint as between me and other people. The reader may like to know, +therefore, what effect this extraordinary adventure has left on my mind, +after an interval of ten years. + +There have been moments when the whole has appeared a dream; but, on +looking back, and comparing it with other scenes in which I have been an +actor, I cannot perceive that this is not quite as indelibly stamped +on my memory as those. The facts themselves, moreover, are so very like +what I see daily in the course of occurrence around me, that I have come +to the conclusion, I did go to Leaphigh in the way related, and that I +must have been brought back during the temporary insanity of a fever. +I believe, therefore, that there are such countries as Leaphigh and +Leaplow; and after much thought, I am of opinion that great justice has +here been done to the monikin character in general. + +The result of much meditation on what I witnessed, has been to produce +sundry material changes in my former opinions, and to unsettle even many +of the notions in which I may be said to have been born and bred. In +order to consume as little of the reader's time as possible, I shall set +down a summary of my conclusions, and then take my leave of him, with +many thanks for his politeness in reading what I have written. Before +completing my task in this way, however, it will be well to add a word +on the subject of one or two of my fellow-travellers. + +I never could make up my mind relating to the fact whether we did or did +not actually eat Brigadier Downright. The flesh was so savory, and it +tasted so delicious after a week of philosophical meditation on nuts, +and the recollection of its pleasures is so very vivid, that I am +inclined to think nothing but a good material dinner could have left +behind it impressions so lively, I have had many melancholy thoughts +on this subject, especially in November; but observing that men are +constantly devouring each other, in one shape or another, I endeavor to +make the best of it, and to persuade myself that a slight difference in +species may exonerate me from the imputation of cannibalism. + +I often get letters from Captain Poke. He is not very explicit on the +subject of our voyage, it is true; but, on the whole, I have decided +that the little ship he constructed was built on the model of, and named +after, our own Walrus instead of our own Walrus being built on the model +of, and named after, the little ship constructed by Captain Poke. I +keep the latter, therefore, to show my friends as a proof of what I tell +them, knowing the importance of visible testimony with ordinary minds. + +As for Bob and the mates, I never heard any more of them. The former +most probably continued a "kickee" until years and experience enabled +him to turn the tables on humanity, when, as is usually the case +with Christians, he would be very likely to take up the business of +a "kicker" with so much the greater zeal on account of his early +sufferings. + +To conclude, my own adventures and observations lead to the following +inferences, viz.: + +That every man loves liberty for his own sake and very few for the sake +of other people. + +That moral saltation is very necessary to political success at Leaplow, +and quite probably in many other places. + +That civilization is very arbitrary, meaning one thing in France, +another thing at Leaphigh, and still a third in Dorsetshire. + +That there is no sensible difference between motives in the polar region +and motives anywhere else. + +That truth is a comparative and local property, being much influenced by +circumstances; particularly by climate and by different public opinions. + +That there is no portion of human wisdom so select and faultless that it +does not contain the seeds of its own refutation. + +That of all the 'ocracies (aristocracy and democracy included) hypocrisy +is the most flourishing. + +That he who is in the clutches of the law may think himself lucky if he +escape with the loss of his tail. + +That liberty is a convertible term, which means exclusive privileges in +one country, no privileges in another, and inclusive privileges in all. + +That religion is a paradox, in which self-denial and humility are +proposed as tenets, in direct contradiction to every man's senses. + +That phrenology and caudology are sister sciences, one being quite as +demonstrable as the other, and more too. + +That philosophy, sound principles and virtue, are really delightful; +but, after all, that they are no more than so many slaves of the belly; +a man usually preferring to eat his best friend to starving. + +That a little wheel and a great wheel are as necessary to the motion +of a commonweath, as to the motion of a stage-coach, and that what this +gains in periphery that makes up in activity, on the rotatory principle. + +That it is one thing to have a king, another to have a throne, and +another to have neither. + +That the reasoning which is drawn from particular abuses, is no +reasoning for general uses. + +That, in England, if we did not use blinkers, our cattle would break our +necks; whereas, in Germany we travel at a good pace, allowing the horse +the use of his eyes; and in Naples we fly, without even a bit! + +That the converse of what has just been said of horses is true of men, +in the three countries named. + +That occultations of truth are just as certain as the aurora boreal is, +and quite as easily accounted for. + +That men who will not shrink from the danger and toil of penetrating the +polar basin, will shrink from the trouble of doing their own thinking, +and put themselves, like Captain Poke, under the convoy of a God-like. + +That all our wisdom is insufficient to protect us from frauds, one +outwitting us by gyrations and flapjacks, and another by adding new +joints to the cauda. + +That men are not very scrupulous touching the humility due to God, but +are so tenacious of their own privileges in this particular, they will +confide in plausible rogues rather than in plain-dealing honesty. + +That they who rightly appreciate the foregoing facts, are People's +Friends, and become the salt of the earth--yea, even the Most Patriotic +Patriots! + +That it is fortunate "all will come right in heaven," for it is certain +too much goes wrong on earth. + +That the social-stake system has one distinctive merit: that of causing +the owners of vested rights to set their own interests in motion, while +those of their fellow-citizens must follow, as a matter of course, +though perhaps a little clouded by the dust raised by their leaders. + +That he who has an Anna, has the best investment in humanity; and that +if he has any repetition of his treasure, it is better still. + +That money commonly purifies the spirit as wine quenches thirst; and +therefore it is wise to commit all our concerns to the keeping of those +who have most of it. + +That others seldom regard us in the same light we regard ourselves; +witness the manner in which Dr. Reasono converted me from a benefactor +into the travelling tutor of Prince Bob. + +That honors are sweet even to the most humble, as is shown by the +satisfaction of Noah in being made a lord high admiral. + +That there is no such stimulant of humanity, as a good moneyed stake in +its advancement. + +That though the mind may be set on a very improper and base object, it +will not fail to seek a good motive for its justification, few men being +so hardened in any grovelling passion, that they will not endeavor to +deceive themselves, as well as their neighbors. + +That academies promote good fellowship in knowledge, and good fellowship +in knowledge promotes F. U. D. G. E.'s, and H. O. A. X.'s. + +That a political rolling-pin, though a very good thing to level rights +and privileges, is a very bad thing to level houses, temples, and other +matters that might be named. + +That the system of governing by proxy is more extended than is commonly +supposed; in one country a king resorting to its use, and in another the +people. + +That there is no method by which a man can be made to covet a tail, so +sure as by supplying all his neighbors, and excluding him by an especial +edict. + +That the perfection of consistency in a nation, is to dock itself at +home, while its foreign agents furiously cultivate caudae abroad. + +That names are far more useful than things, being more generally +understood, less liable to objections, of greater circulation, besides +occupying much less room. + +That ambassadors turn the back of the throne outward, aristocrats draw a +crimson curtain before it, and a king sits on it. + +That nature has created inequalities in men and things, and, as human +institutions are intended to prevent the strong from oppressing +the weak, ergo, the laws should encourage natural inequalities as a +legitimate consequence. + +That, moreover, the laws of nature having made one man wise and another +man foolish--this strong, and that weak, human laws should reverse it +all, by making another man wise and one man foolish--that strong, and +this weak. On this conclusion I obtained a peerage. + +That God-likes are commonly Riddles, and Riddles, with many people, are, +as a matter of course, God-likes. That the expediency of establishing +the base of society on a principle of the most sordid character, +one that is denounced by the revelations of God, and proved to be +insufficient by the experience of man, may at least be questioned +without properly subjecting the dissenter to the imputation of being a +sheep-stealer. + +That we seldom learn moderation under any political excitement, until +forty thousand square miles of territory are blown from beneath our +feet. + +That it is not an infallible sign of great mental refinement to +bespatter our fellow-creatures, while every nerve is writhing in honor +of our pigs, our cats, our stocks, and our stones. + +That select political wisdom, like select schools, propagates much +questionable knowledge. + +That the whole people is not infallible, neither is a part of the people +infallible. + +That love for the species is a godlike and pure sentiment; but the +philanthropy which is dependent on buying land by the square mile, and +selling it by the square foot, is stench in the nostrils of the just. + +That one thoroughly imbued with republican simplicity invariably +squeezes himself into a little wheel, in order to show how small he can +become at need. + +That habit is invincible, an Esquimaux preferring whale's blubber to +beefsteak, a native of the Gold Coast cherishing his tom-tom before +a band of music, and certain travelled countrymen of our own saying, +"Commend me to the English skies." + +That arranging a fact by reason is embarrassing, and admits of +cavilling; while adapting a reason to a fact is a very natural, easy, +every-day, and sometimes necessary, process. + +That what men affirm for their own particular interests they will swear +to in the end, although it should be a proposition as much beyond the +necessity of an oath, as that "black is white." + +That national allegories exist everywhere, the only difference between +them arising from gradations in the richness of imaginations. + +And finally:-- + +That men have more of the habits, propensities, dispositions, cravings, +antics, gratitude, flapjacks, and honesty of monikins, than is generally +known. + +THE END. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Monikins, by J. Fenimore Cooper + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MONIKINS *** + +***** This file should be named 4092.txt or 4092.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/9/4092/ + +Produced by Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/old/4092.zip b/old/4092.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..352bdd0 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/4092.zip diff --git a/old/mnkns10.txt b/old/mnkns10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f57ff0c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/mnkns10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,15645 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Monikins, by J. Fenimore Cooper +#8 in our series by J. Fenimore Cooper + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the laws for your country before redistributing these files!!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. + +Please do not remove this. + +This should be the first thing seen when anyone opens the book. +Do not change or edit it without written permission. The words +are carefully chosen to provide users with the information they +need about what they can legally do with the texts. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These Etexts Are Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below, including for donations. + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a 501(c)(3) +organization with EIN [Employee Identification Number] 64-6221541 + + + +Title: Title + +Author: J. Fenimore Cooper + +Release Date: May, 2003 [Etext #4092] +[Yes, we are about one year ahead of schedule] +[The actual date this file first posted = 11/24/01] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Monikins, by J. Fenimore Cooper +********This file should be named mnkns10.txt or mnkns10.zip****** + +Corrected EDITIONS of our etexts get a new NUMBER, mnkns11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, mnkns10a.txt + +This etext was produced by Charles Franks + and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +Project Gutenberg Etexts are usually created from multiple editions, +all of which are in the Public Domain in the United States, unless a +copyright notice is included. Therefore, we usually do NOT keep any +of these books in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +We are now trying to release all our books one year in advance +of the official release dates, leaving time for better editing. +Please be encouraged to send us error messages even years after +the official publication date. + +Please note neither this listing nor its contents are final til +midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement. +The official release date of all Project Gutenberg Etexts is at +Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month. A +preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment +and editing by those who wish to do so. + +Most people start at our sites at: +http://gutenberg.net +http://promo.net/pg + + +Those of you who want to download any Etext before announcement +can surf to them as follows, and just download by date; this is +also a good way to get them instantly upon announcement, as the +indexes our cataloguers produce obviously take a while after an +announcement goes out in the Project Gutenberg Newsletter. + +http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext03 +or +ftp://ftp.ibiblio.org/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/etext03 + +Or /etext02, 01, 00, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90 + +Just search by the first five letters of the filename you want, +as it appears in our Newsletters. + + +Information about Project Gutenberg (one page) + +We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work. The +time it takes us, a rather conservative estimate, is fifty hours +to get any etext selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright +searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc. This +projected audience is one hundred million readers. If our value +per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2 +million dollars per hour this year as we release fifty new Etext +files per month, or 500 more Etexts in 2000 for a total of 3000+ +If they reach just 1-2% of the world's population then the total +should reach over 300 billion Etexts given away by year's end. + +The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away One Trillion Etext +Files by December 31, 2001. [10,000 x 100,000,000 = 1 Trillion] +This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers, +which is only about 4% of the present number of computer users. + +At our revised rates of production, we will reach only one-third +of that goal by the end of 2001, or about 4,000 Etexts unless we +manage to get some real funding. + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been created +to secure a future for Project Gutenberg into the next millennium. + +We need your donations more than ever! + +As of July 12, 2001 contributions are only being solicited from people in: +Arkansas, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, +Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts, Minnesota, +Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, New Mexico, Nevada, New Jersey, New York, North +Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Rhode Island, South Carolina*, South Dakota, +Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, +Wisconsin, and Wyoming. + +*In Progress + +We have filed in about 45 states now, but these are the only ones +that have responded. + +As the requirements for other states are met, +additions to this list will be made and fund raising +will begin in the additional states. Please feel +free to ask to check the status of your state. + +In answer to various questions we have received on this: + +We are constantly working on finishing the paperwork +to legally request donations in all 50 states. If +your state is not listed and you would like to know +if we have added it since the list you have, just ask. + +While we cannot solicit donations from people in +states where we are not yet registered, we know +of no prohibition against accepting donations +from donors in these states who approach us with +an offer to donate. + + +International donations are accepted, +but we don't know ANYTHING about how +to make them tax-deductible, or +even if they CAN be made deductible, +and don't have the staff to handle it +even if there are ways. + +All donations should be made to: + +Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +PMB 113 +1739 University Ave. +Oxford, MS 38655-4109 + + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a 501(c)(3) +organization with EIN [Employee Identification Number] 64-6221541, +and has been approved as a 501(c)(3) organization by the US Internal +Revenue Service (IRS). Donations are tax-deductible to the maximum +extent permitted by law. As the requirements for other states are met, +additions to this list will be made and fund raising will begin in the +additional states. + +We need your donations more than ever! + +You can get up to date donation information at: + +http://www.gutenberg.net/donation.html + + +*** + +If you can't reach Project Gutenberg, +you can always email directly to: + +Michael S. Hart <hart@pobox.com> + +hart@pobox.com forwards to hart@prairienet.org and archive.org +if your mail bounces from archive.org, I will still see it, if +it bounces from prairienet.org, better resend later on. . . . + +Prof. Hart will answer or forward your message. + +We would prefer to send you information by email. + + +*** + + +Example command-line FTP session: + +ftp ftp.ibiblio.org +login: anonymous +password: your@login +cd pub/docs/books/gutenberg +cd etext90 through etext99 or etext00 through etext02, etc. +dir [to see files] +get or mget [to get files. . .set bin for zip files] +GET GUTINDEX.?? [to get a year's listing of books, e.g., GUTINDEX.99] +GET GUTINDEX.ALL [to get a listing of ALL books] + + +**The Legal Small Print** + + +(Three Pages) + +***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS**START*** +Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers. +They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with +your copy of this etext, even if you got it for free from +someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our +fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement +disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how +you may distribute copies of this etext if you want to. + +*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS ETEXT +By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +etext, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept +this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive +a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this etext by +sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person +you got it from. If you received this etext on a physical +medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request. + +ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM ETEXTS +This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etexts, +is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor Michael S. Hart +through the Project Gutenberg Association (the "Project"). +Among other things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright +on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and +distribute it in the United States without permission and +without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth +below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this etext +under the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark. + +Please do not use the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark to market +any commercial products without permission. + +To create these etexts, the Project expends considerable +efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain +works. Despite these efforts, the Project's etexts and any +medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other +things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged +disk or other etext medium, a computer virus, or computer +codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. + +LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES +But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below, +[1] Michael Hart and the Foundation (and any other party you may +receive this etext from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext) disclaims +all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including +legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR +UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT, +INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE +OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE +POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES. + +If you discover a Defect in this etext within 90 days of +receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) +you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that +time to the person you received it from. If you received it +on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and +such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement +copy. If you received it electronically, such person may +choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to +receive it electronically. + +THIS ETEXT IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS +TO THE ETEXT OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A +PARTICULAR PURPOSE. + +Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or +the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the +above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you +may have other legal rights. + +INDEMNITY +You will indemnify and hold Michael Hart, the Foundation, +and its trustees and agents, and any volunteers associated +with the production and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm +texts harmless, from all liability, cost and expense, including +legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the +following that you do or cause: [1] distribution of this etext, +[2] alteration, modification, or addition to the etext, +or [3] any Defect. + +DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm" +You may distribute copies of this etext electronically, or by +disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this +"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg, +or: + +[1] Only give exact copies of it. Among other things, this + requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the + etext or this "small print!" statement. You may however, + if you wish, distribute this etext in machine readable + binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form, + including any form resulting from conversion by word + processing or hypertext software, but only so long as + *EITHER*: + + [*] The etext, when displayed, is clearly readable, and + does *not* contain characters other than those + intended by the author of the work, although tilde + (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may + be used to convey punctuation intended by the + author, and additional characters may be used to + indicate hypertext links; OR + + [*] The etext may be readily converted by the reader at + no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent + form by the program that displays the etext (as is + the case, for instance, with most word processors); + OR + + [*] You provide, or agree to also provide on request at + no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the + etext in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC + or other equivalent proprietary form). + +[2] Honor the etext refund and replacement provisions of this + "Small Print!" statement. + +[3] Pay a trademark license fee to the Foundation of 20% of the + gross profits you derive calculated using the method you + already use to calculate your applicable taxes. If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation" + the 60 days following each date you prepare (or were + legally required to prepare) your annual (or equivalent + periodic) tax return. Please contact us beforehand to + let us know your plans and to work out the details. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +Project Gutenberg is dedicated to increasing the number of +public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed +in machine readable form. + +The Project gratefully accepts contributions of money, time, +public domain materials, or royalty free copyright licenses. +Money should be paid to the: +"Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +If you are interested in contributing scanning equipment or +software or other items, please contact Michael Hart at: +hart@pobox.com + +[Portions of this header are copyright (C) 2001 by Michael S. Hart +and may be reprinted only when these Etexts are free of all fees.] +[Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be used in any sales +of Project Gutenberg Etexts or other materials be they hardware or +software or any other related product without express permission.] + +*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.10/04/01*END* + + + + + +This etext was produced by Charles Franks + and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +THE MONIKINS + +BY + +J. FENIMORE COOPER + + + + +INTRODUCTION. + +It is not improbable that some of those who read this book, may feel +a wish to know in what manner I became possessed of the manuscript. +Such a desire is too just and natural to be thwarted, and the tale +shall be told as briefly as possible. + +During the summer of 1828, while travelling among those valleys of +Switzerland which lie between the two great ranges of the Alps, and +in which both the Rhone and the Rhine take their rise, I had passed +from the sources of the latter to those of the former river, and had +reached that basin in the mountains that is so celebrated for +containing the glacier of the Rhone, when chance gave me one of +those rare moments of sublimity and solitude, which are the more +precious in the other hemisphere from their infrequency. On every +side the view was bounded by high and ragged mountains, their peaks +glittering near the sun, while directly before me, and on a level +with the eye, lay that miraculous frozen sea, out of whose drippings +the Rhone starts a foaming river, to glance away to the distant +Mediterranean. For the first time, during a pilgrimage of years, I +felt alone with nature in Europe. Alas! the enjoyment, as all such +enjoyments necessarily are amid the throngs of the old world, was +short and treacherous. A party came round the angle of a rock, along +the narrow bridle-path, in single file; two ladies on horseback, +followed by as many gentlemen on foot, and preceded by the usual +guide. It was but small courtesy to rise and salute the dove-like +eyes and blooming cheeks of the former, as they passed. They were +English, and the gentlemen appeared to recognize me as a countryman. +One of the latter stopped, and politely inquired if the passage of +the Furca was obstructed by snow. He was told not, and in return for +the information said that I would find the Grimsel a little +ticklish; "but," he added, smiling, "the ladies succeeded in +crossing, and you will scarcely hesitate." I thought I might get +over a difficulty that his fair companions had conquered. He then +told me Sir Herbert Taylor was made adjutant-general, and wished me +good morning. + +I sat reflecting on the character, hopes, pursuits, and interests of +man, for an hour, concluding that the stranger was a soldier, who +let some of the ordinary workings of his thoughts overflow in this +brief and casual interview. To resume my solitary journey, cross the +Rhone, and toil my way up the rugged side of the Grimsel, consumed +two more hours, and glad was I to come in view of the little chill- +looking sheet of water on its summit, which is called the Lake of +the Dead. The path was filled with snow, at a most critical point, +where, indeed, a misplaced footstep might betray the incautious to +their destruction. A large party on the other side appeared fully +aware of the difficulty, for it had halted, and was in earnest +discussion with the guide, touching the practicability of passing. +It was decided to attempt the enterprise. First came a female of one +of the sweetest, serenest countenances I had ever seen. She, too, +was English; and though she trembled, and blushed, and laughed at +herself, she came on with spirit, and would have reached my side in +safety, had not an unlucky stone turned beneath a foot that was much +too pretty for those wild hills. I sprang forward, and was so happy +as to save her from destruction. She felt the extent of the +obligation, and expressed her thanks modestly but with fervor. In a +minute we were joined by her husband, who grasped my hand with warm +feeling, or rather with the emotion one ought to feel who had +witnessed the risk he had just run of losing an angel. The lady +seemed satisfied at leaving us together. + +"You are an Englishman?" said the stranger. + +"An American." + +"An American! This is singular--will you pardon a question?--You +have more than saved my life--you have probably saved my reason-- +will you pardon a question?--Can money serve you?" + +I smiled, and told him, odd as it might appear to him, that though +an American, I was a gentleman. He appeared embarrassed, and his +fine face worked, until I began to pity him, for it was evident he +wished to show me in some way, how much he felt he was my debtor, +and yet he did not know exactly what to propose. + +"We may meet again," I said, squeezing his hand. + +"Will you receive my card?" + +"Most willingly." + +He put "Viscount Householder" into my hand, and in return I gave him +my own humble appellation. + +He looked from the card to me, and from me to the card, and some +agreeable idea appeared to flash upon his mind. + +"Shall you visit Geneva this summer?" he asked, earnestly. + +"Within a month." + +"Your address--" + +"Hotel de l'Ecu." + +"You shall hear from me. Adieu." + +We parted, he, his lovely wife, and his guides descending to the +Rhone, while I pursued my way to the Hospice of the Grimsel. Within +the month I received a large packet at l'Ecu. It contained a +valuable diamond ring, with a request that I would wear it, as a +memorial of Lady Householder, and a fairly written manuscript. The +following short note explained the wishes of the writer: + +"Providence brought us together for more purposes than were at first +apparent. I have long hesitated about publishing the accompanying +narrative, for in England there is a disposition to cavil at +extraordinary facts, but the distance of America from my place of +residence will completely save me from ridicule. The world must have +the truth, and I see no better means than by resorting to your +agency. All I ask is, that you will have the book fairly printed, +and that you will send one copy to my address, Householder Hall, +Dorsetshire, Eng., and another to Captain Noah Poke, Stonington, +Conn., in your own country. My Anna prays for you, and is ever your +friend. Do not forget us. + +"Yours, most faithfully," + +"HOUSEHOLDER." + +I have rigidly complied with this request, and having sent the two +copies according to direction, the rest of the edition is at the +disposal of any one who may feel an inclination to pay for it. In +return for the copy sent to Stonington, I received the following +letter: + +"ON BOARD THE DERBY AND DOLLY, +"STONNIN'TUN, April 1st, 1835. + +"AUTHOR OF THE SPY, ESQUIRE: + +"Dear Sir:--Your favor is come to hand, and found me in good health, +as I hope these few lines will have the same advantage with you. I +have read the book, and must say there is some truth in it, which, I +suppose, is as much as befalls any book, the Bible, the Almanac, and +the State Laws excepted. I remember Sir John well, and shall gainsay +nothing he testifies to, for the reason that friends should not +contradict each other. I was also acquainted with the four Monikins +he speaks of, though I knew them by different names. Miss Poke says +she wonders if it's all true, which I wunt tell her, seeing that a +little unsartainty makes a woman rational. As to my navigating +without geometry, thats a matter that wasn't worth booking, for it's +no curiosity in these parts, bating a look at the compass once or +twice a day, and so I take my leave of you, with offers to do any +commission for you among the Sealing Islands, for which I sail to- +morrow, wind and weather permitting. + +"Yours to sarve, NOAH POKE." + +"To the Author of THE SPY, Esquire, +---town,------county, York state. + +"P. S.--I always told Sir John to steer clear of too much +journalizing, but he did nothing but write, night and day, for a +week; and as you brew, so you must bake. The wind has chopped, and +we shall take our anchor this tide; so no more at present. + +"N. B.--Sir John is a little out about my eating the monkey, which I +did, four years before I fell in with him, down on the Spanish Main. +It was not bad food to the taste, but was wonderful narvous to the +eye. I r'ally thought I had got hold of Miss Poke's youngest born." + + + + +THE MONIKINS. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +THE AUTHOR'S PEDIGREE,--ALSO THAT OF HIS FATHER. + + +The philosopher who broaches a new theory is bound to furnish, at +least, some elementary proofs of the reasonableness of his +positions, and the historian who ventures to record marvels that +have hitherto been hid from human knowledge, owes it to a decent +regard to the opinions of others, to produce some credible testimony +in favor of his veracity. I am peculiarly placed in regard to these +two great essentials having little more than its plausibility to +offer in favor of my philosophy, and no other witness than myself to +establish the important facts that are now about to be laid before +the reading world for the first time. In this dilemma, I fully feel +the weight of responsibility under which I stand; for there are +truths of so little apparent probability as to appear fictitious, +and fictions so like the truth that the ordinary observer is very +apt to affirm that he was an eye-witness to their existence: two +facts that all our historians would do well to bear in mind, since a +knowledge of the circumstances might spare them the mortification of +having testimony that cost a deal of trouble, discredited in the one +case, and save a vast deal of painful and unnecessary labor, in the +other. Thrown upon myself, therefore, for what the French call les +pieces justificatives of my theories, as well as of my facts, I see +no better way to prepare the reader to believe me, than by giving an +unvarnished the result of the orange-woman's application; for had my +worthy ancestor been subjected to the happy accidents and generous +caprices of voluntary charity, it is more than probable I should be +driven to throw a veil over those important years of his life that +were notoriously passed in the work-house, but which, in consequence +of that occurrence, are now easily authenticated by valid minutes +and documentary evidence. Thus it is that there exists no void in +the annals of our family, even that period which is usually +remembered through gossiping and idle tales in the lives of most +men, being matter of legal record in that of my progenitor, and so +continued to be down to the day of his presumed majority, since he +was indebted to a careful master the moment the parish could with +any legality, putting decency quite out of the question, get rid of +him. I ought to have said, that the orange-woman, taking a hint from +the sign of a butcher opposite to whose door my ancestor was found, +had very cleverly given him the name of Thomas Goldencalf. + +This second important transition in the affairs of my father, might +be deemed a presage of his future fortunes. He was bound apprentice +to a trader in fancy articles, or a shopkeeper who dealt in such +objects as are usually purchased by those who do not well know what +to do with their money. This trade was of immense advantage to the +future prosperity of the young adventurer; for, in addition to the +known fact that they who amuse are much better paid than they who +instruct their fellow-creatures, his situation enabled him to study +those caprices of men, which, properly improved, are of themselves a +mine of wealth, as well as to gain a knowledge of the important +truth that the greatest events of this life are much oftener the +result of impulse than of calculation. + +I have it by a direct tradition, orally conveyed from the lips of my +ancestor, that no one could be more lucky than himself in the +character of his master. This personage, who came, in time, to be my +maternal grandfather, was one of those wary traders who encourage +others in their follies, with a view to his own advantage, and the +experience of fifty years had rendered him so expert in the +practices of his calling, that it was seldom he struck out a new +vein in his mine, without finding himself rewarded for the +enterprise, by a success that was fully equal to his expectations, + +"Tom," he said one day to his apprentice, when time had produced +confidence and awakened sympathies between them, "thou art a lucky +youth, or the parish officer would never have brought thee to my +door. Thou little knowest the wealth that is in store for thee, or +the treasures that are at thy command, if thou provest diligent, and +in particular faithful to my interests." My provident grandfather +never missed an occasion to throw in a useful moral, notwithstanding +the general character of veracity that distinguished his commerce. +"Now, what dost think, lad, may be the amount of my capital?" + +My ancestor in the male line hesitated to reply, for, hitherto, his +ideas had been confined to the profits; never having dared to lift +his thoughts as high as that source from which he could not but see +they flowed in a very ample stream; but thrown upon himself by so +unexpected a question, and being quick at figures, after adding ten +per cent. to the sum which he knew the last year had given as the +net avail of their joint ingenuity, he named the amount, in answered +to the interrogatory. + +My maternal grandfather laughed in the face of my direct lineal +ancestor. + +"Thou judgest, Tom," he said, when his mirth was a little abated, +"by what thou thinkest is the cost of the actual stock before thine +eyes, when thou shouldst take into the account that which I term our +floating capital." + +Tom pondered a moment, for while he knew that his master had money +in the funds, he did not account that as any portion of the +available means connected with his ordinary business; and as for a +floating capital, he did not well see how it could be of much +account, since the disproportion between the cost and the selling +prices of the different articles in which they dealt was so great, +that there was no particular use in such an investment. As his +master, however, rarely paid for anything until he was in possession +of returns from it that exceeded the debt some seven-fold, he began +to think the old man was alluding to the advantages he obtained in +the way of credit, and after a little more cogitation, he ventured +to say as much. + +Again my maternal grandfather indulged in a hearty fit of laughter. + +"Thou art clever in thy way, Tom," he said, "and I like the +minuteness of thy calculations, for they show an aptitude for trade; +but there is genius in our calling as well as cleverness. Come +hither, boy," he added, drawing Tom to a window whence they could +see the neighbors on their way to church, for it was on a Sunday +that my two provident progenitors indulged in this moral view of +humanity, as best fitted the day, "come hither, boy, and thou shalt +see some small portion of that capital which thou seemest to think +hid, stalking abroad by daylight, and in the open streets. Here, +thou seest the wife of our neighbor, the pastry-cook; with what an +air she tosses her head and displays the bauble thou sold'st her +yesterday: well, even that slattern, idle and vain, and little +worthy of trust as she is, carries about with her a portion of my +capital!" + +My worthy ancestor stared, for he never knew the other to be guilty +of so great an indiscretion as to trust a woman whom they both knew +bought more than her husband was willing to pay for. + +"She gave me a guinea, master, for that which did not cost a seven- +shilling piece!" + +"She did, indeed, Tom, and it was her vanity that urged her to it. I +trade upon her folly, younker, and upon that of all mankind; now +dost thou see with what a capital I carry on affairs? There--there +is the maid, carrying the idle hussy's patterns in the rear; I drew +upon my stock in that wench's possession, no later than the last +week, for half-a-crown!" + +Tom reflected a long time on these allusions of his provident +master, and although he understood them about as well as they will +be understood by the owners of half the soft humid eyes and +sprouting whiskers among my readers, by dint of cogitation he came +at last to a practical understanding of the subject, which before he +was thirty he had, to use a French term, pretty well exploite. + +I learn by unquestionable tradition, received also from the mouths +of his contemporaries, that the opinions of my ancestor underwent +some material changes between the ages of ten and forty, a +circumstance that has often led me to reflect that people might do +well not to be too confident of the principles, during the pliable +period of life, when the mind, like the tender shoot, is easily bent +aside and subjected to the action of surrounding causes. + +During the earlier years of the plastic age, my ancestor was +observed to betray strong feelings of compassion at the sight of +charity-children, nor was he ever known to pass a child, especially +a boy that was still in petticoats, who was crying with hunger in +the streets, without sharing his own crust with him. Indeed, his +practice on this head was said to be steady and uniform, whenever +the rencontre took place after my worthy father had had his own +sympathies quickened by a good dinner; a fact that maybe imputed to +a keener sense of the pleasure he was about to confer. + +After sixteen, he was known to converse occasionally on the subject +of politics, a topic on which he came to be both expert and eloquent +before twenty. His usual theme was justice and the sacred rights of +man, concerning which he sometimes uttered very pretty sentiments, +and such as were altogether becoming in one who was at the bottom of +the great social pot that was then, as now, actively boiling, and +where he was made to feel most, the heat that kept it in +ebullition. I am assured that on the subject of taxation, and on +that of the wrongs of America and Ireland, there were few youths in +the parish who could discourse with more zeal and unction. About +this time, too, he was heard shouting "Wilkes and liberty!" in the +public streets. + +But, as is the case with all men of rare capacities, there was a +concentration of powers in the mind of my ancestor, which soon +brought all his errant sympathies, the mere exuberance of acute and +overflowing feelings, into a proper and useful subjection, centring +all in the one absorbing and capacious receptacle of self. I do not +claim for my father any peculiar quality in this respect, for I have +often observed that many of those who (like giddy-headed horsemen +that raise a great dust, and scamper as if the highway were too +narrow for their eccentric courses, before they are fairly seated in +the saddle, but who afterward drive as directly at their goals as +the arrow parting from the bow), most indulge their sympathies at +the commencement of their careers, are the most apt toward the close +to get a proper command of their feelings, and to reduce them within +the bounds of common sense and prudence. Before five-and-twenty, my +father was as exemplary and as constant a devotee of Plutus as was +then to be found between Ratcliffe Highway and Bridge Street:--I +name these places in particular, as all the rest of the great +capital in which he was born is known to be more indifferent to the +subject of money. + +My ancestor was just thirty, when his master, who like himself was a +bachelor, very unexpectedly, and a good deal to the scandal of the +neighborhood, introduced a new inmate into his frugal abode, in the +person of an infant female child. It would seem that some one had +been speculating on his stock of weakness too, for this poor, +little, defenceless, and dependent being was thrown upon his care, +like Tom himself, through the vigilance of the parish officers. +There were many good-natured jokes practised on the prosperous +fancy-dealer, by the more witty of his neighbors, at this sudden +turn of good fortune, and not a few ill-natured sneers were given +behind his back; most of the knowing ones of the vicinity finding a +stronger likeness between the little girl and all the other +unmarried men of the eight or ten adjoining streets, than to the +worthy housekeeper who had been selected to pay for her support. I +have been much disposed to admit the opinions of these amiable +observers as authority in my own pedigree, since it would be +reaching the obscurity in which all ancient lines take root, a +generation earlier, than by allowing the presumption that little +Betsey was my direct male ancestor's master's daughter; but, on +reflection, I have determined to adhere to the less popular but more +simple version of the affair, because it is connected with the +transmission of no small part of our estate, a circumstance of +itself that at once gives dignity and importance to a genealogy. + +Whatever may have been the real opinion of the reputed father +touching his rights to the honors of that respectable title, he soon +became as strongly attached to the child, as if it really owed its +existence to himself. The little girl was carefully nursed, +abundantly fed, and throve accordingly. She had reached her third +year, when the fancy-dealer took the smallpox from his little pet, +who was just recovering from the same disease, and died at the +expiration of the tenth day. + +This was an unlooked-for and stunning blow to my ancestor, who was +then in his thirty-fifth year and the head shopman of the +establishment, which had continued to grow with the growing follies +and vanities of the age. On examining his master's will, it was +found that my father, who had certainly aided materially of late in +the acquisition of the money, was left the good-will of the shop, +the command of all the stock at cost, and the sole executorship of +the estate. He was also intrusted with the exclusive guardianship of +little Betsey, to whom his master had affectionately devised every +farthing of his property. An ordinary reader may be surprised that a +man who had so long practised on the foibles of his species, should +have so much confidence in a mere shopman, as to leave his whole +estate so completely in his power; but, it must be remembered, that +human ingenuity has not yet devised any means by which we can carry +our personal effects into the other world; that "what cannot be +cured must be endured"; that he must of necessity have confided this +important trust to some fellow-creature, and that it was better to +commit the keeping of his money to one who, knowing the secret by +which it had been accumulated, had less inducement to be dishonest, +than one who was exposed to the temptation of covetousness, without +having a knowledge of any direct and legal means of gratifying his +longings. It has been conjectured, therefore, that the testator +thought, by giving up his trade to a man who was as keenly alive as +my ancestor to all its perfections, moral and pecuniary, he provided +a sufficient protection against his falling into the sin of +peculation, by so amply supplying him with simpler means of +enriching himself. Besides, it is fair to presume that the long +acquaintance had begotten sufficient confidence to weaken the effect +of that saying which some wit has put into the mouth of a wag, "Make +me your executor, father; I care not to whom you leave the estate." +Let all this be as it might, nothing can be more certain than that +my worthy ancestor executed his trust with the scrupulous fidelity +of a man whose integrity had been severely schooled in the ethics of +trade. Little Betsey was properly educated for one in her condition +of life; her health was as carefully watched over as if she had been +the only daughter of the sovereign instead of the only daughter of a +fancy-dealer; her morals were superintended by a superannuated old +maid; her mind left to its original purity; her person jealously +protected against the designs of greedy fortune-hunters; and, to +complete the catalogue of his paternal attentions and solicitudes, +my vigilant and faithful ancestor, to prevent accidents, and to +counteract the chances of life, so far as it might be done by human +foresight, saw that she was legally married, the day she reached her +nineteenth year, to the person whom, there is every reason to think, +he believed to be the most unexceptionable man of his acquaintance-- +in other words, to himself. Settlements were unnecessary between +parties who had so long been known to each other, and, thanks to the +liberality of his late master's will in more ways than one, a long +minority, and the industry of the ci-devant head shopman, the +nuptial benediction was no sooner pronounced, than our family +stepped into the undisputed possession of four hundred thousand +pounds. One less scrupulous on the subject of religion and the law, +might not have thought it necessary to give the orphan heiress a +settlement so satisfactory, at the termination of her wardship. + +I was the fifth of the children who were the fruits of this union, +and the only one of them all that passed the first year of its life. +My poor mother did not survive my birth, and I can only record her +qualities through the medium of that great agent in the archives of +the family, tradition. By all that I have heard, she must have been +a meek, quiet, domestic woman; who, by temperament and attainments, +was admirably qualified to second the prudent plans of my father for +her welfare. If she had causes of complaint, (and that she had, +there is too much reason to think, for who has ever escaped them?) +they were concealed, with female fidelity, in the sacred repository +of her own heart; and if truant imagination sometimes dimly drew an +outline of married happiness different from the fact that stood in +dull reality before her eyes, the picture was merely commented on by +a sigh, and consigned to a cabinet whose key none ever touched but +herself, and she seldom. + +Of this subdued and unobtrusive sorrow, for I fear it sometimes +reached that intensity of feeling, my excellent and indefatigable +ancestor appeared to have no suspicion. He pursued his ordinary +occupations with his ordinary single-minded devotion, and the last +thing that would have crossed his brain was the suspicion that he +had not punctiliously done his duty by his ward. Had he acted +otherwise, none surely would have suffered more by his delinquency +than her husband, and none would have a better right to complain. +Now, as her husband never dreamt of making such an accusation, it is +not at all surprising that my ancestor remained in ignorance of his +wife's feelings at the hour of his death. + +It has been said that the opinions of the successor of the fancy- +dealer underwent some essential changes between the ages of ten and +forty. After he had reached his twenty-second year, or, in other +words, the moment he began to earn money for himself, as well as for +his master, he ceased to cry "Wilkes and liberty!" He was not heard +to breathe a syllable concerning the obligations of society toward +the weak and unfortunate, for the five years that succeeded his +majority; he touched lightly on Christian duties in general, after +he got to be worth fifty pounds of his own; and as for railing at +human follies, it would have been rank ingratitude in one who so +very unequivocally got his bread by them. About this time, his +remarks on the subject of taxation, however, were singularly +caustic, and well applied. He railed at the public debt, as a public +curse, and ominously predicted the dissolution of society, in +consequence of the burdens and incumbrances it was hourly +accumulating on the already overloaded shoulders of the trader. + +The period of his marriage and his succession to the hoardings of +his former master, may be dated as the second epocha in the opinions +of my ancestor. From this moment his ambition expanded, his views +enlarged in proportion to his means, and his contemplations on the +subject of his great floating capital became more profound and +philosophical. A man of my ancestor's native sagacity, whose whole +soul was absorbed in the pursuit of gain, who had so long been +forming his mind, by dealing as it were with the elements of human +weaknesses, and who already possessed four hundred thousand pounds, +was very likely to strike out for himself some higher road to +eminence, than that in which he had been laboriously journeying, +during the years of painful probation. The property of my mother had +been chiefly invested in good bonds and mortgages; her protector, +patron, benefactor, and legalized father, having an unconquerable +repugnance to confiding in that soulless, conventional, nondescript +body corporate, the public. The first indication that was given by +my ancestor of a change of purpose in the direction of his energies, +was by calling in the whole of his outstanding debts, and adopting +the Napoleon plan of operations, by concentrating his forces on a +particular point, in order that he might operate in masses. About +this time, too, he suddenly ceased railing at taxation. This change +may be likened to that which occurs in the language of the +ministerial journals, when they cease abusing any foreign state with +whom the nation has been carrying on a war, that it is, at length, +believed politic to terminate; and for much the same reason, as it +was the intention of my thrifty ancestor to make an ally of a power +that he had hitherto always treated as an enemy. The whole of the +four hundred thousand pounds were liberally intrusted to the +country, the former fancy-dealer's apprentice entering the arena of +virtuous and patriotic speculation, as a bull; and, if with more +caution, with at least some portion of the energy and obstinacy of +the desperate animal that gives title to this class of adventurers. +Success crowned his laudable efforts; gold rolled in upon him like +water on a flood, buoying him up, soul and body, to that enviable +height, where, as it would seem, just views can alone be taken of +society in its innumerable phases. All his former views of life, +which, in common with others of a similar origin and similar +political sentiments, he had imbibed in early years, and which might +with propriety be called near views, were now completely obscured by +the sublimer and broader prospect that was spread before him. + +I am afraid the truth will compel me to admit, that my ancestor was +never charitable in the vulgar acceptation of the term; but then, he +always maintained that his interest in his fellow-creatures was of a +more elevated cast, taking a comprehensive glance at all the +bearings of good and evil--being of the sort of love which induces +the parent to correct the child, that the lesson of present +suffering may produce the blessings of future respectability and +usefulness. Acting on these principles, he gradually grew more +estranged from his species in appearance, a sacrifice that was +probably exacted by the severity of his practical reproofs for their +growing wickedness, and the austere policy that was necessary to +enforce them. By this time, my ancestor was also thoroughly +impressed with what is called the value of money; a sentiment which, +I believe, gives its possessor a livelier perception than common of +the dangers of the precious metals, as well as of their privileges +and uses. He expatiated occasionally on the guaranties that it was +necessary to give to society, for its own security; never even voted +for a parish officer unless he were a warm substantial citizen; and +began to be a subscriber to the patriotic fund, and to the other +similar little moral and pecuniary buttresses of the government, +whose common and commendable object was, to protect our country, our +altars, and our firesides. + +The death-bed of my mother has been described to me as a touching +and melancholy scene. It appears that as this meek and retired woman +was extricated from the coil of mortality, her intellect grew +brighter, her powers of discernment stronger, and her character in +every respect more elevated and commanding. Although she had said +much less about our firesides and altars than her husband, I see no +reason to doubt that she had ever been quite as faithful as he could +be to the one, and as much devoted to the other. I shall describe +the important event of her passage from this to a better world, as I +have often had it repeated from the lips of one who was present, and +who has had an important agency in since making me the man I am. +This person was the clergyman of the parish, a pious divine, a +learned man, and a gentleman in feeling as well as by extraction. + +My mother, though long conscious that she was drawing near to her +last great account, had steadily refused to draw her husband from +his absorbing pursuits, by permitting him to be made acquainted with +her situation. He knew that she was ill; very ill, as he had reason +to think; but, as he not only allowed her, but even volunteered to +order her all the advice and relief that money could command (my +ancestor was not a miser in the vulgar meaning of the word), he +thought that he had done all that man could do, in a case of life +and death--interests over which he professed to have no control. He +saw Dr. Etherington, the rector, come and go daily, for a month, +without uneasiness or apprehension, for he thought his discourse had +a tendency to tranquillize my mother, and he had a strong affection +for all that left him undisturbed, to the enjoyment of the +occupation in which his whole energies were now completely centred. +The physician got his guinea at each visit, with scrupulous +punctuality; the nurses were well received and were well satisfied, +for no one interfered with their acts but the doctor; and every +ordinary duty of commission was as regularly discharged by my +ancestor, as if the sinking and resigned creature from whom he was +about to be forever separated had been the spontaneous choice of his +young and fresh affections. + +When, therefore, a servant entered to say that Dr. Etherington +desired a private interview, my worthy ancestor, who had no +consciousness of having neglected any obligation that became a +friend of church and state, was in no small measure surprised. + +"I come, Mr. Goldencalf, on a melancholy duty," said the pious +rector, entering the private cabinet to which his application had +for the first time obtained his admission; "the fatal secret can no +longer be concealed from you, and your wife at length consents that +I shall be the instrument of revealing it." + +The Doctor paused; for on such occasions it is perhaps as well to +let the party that is about to be shocked receive a little of the +blow through his own imagination; and busily enough was that of my +poor father said to be exercised on this painful occasion. He grew +pale, opened his eyes until they again filled the sockets into which +they had gradually been sinking for twenty years, and looked a +hundred questions that his tongue refused to put. + +"It cannot be, Doctor," he at length querulously said, "that a woman +like Betsey has got an inkling into any of the events connected with +the last great secret expedition, and which have escaped my jealousy +and experience?" + +"I am afraid, dear sir, that Mrs. Goldencalf has obtained glimpses +of the last great and secret expedition on which we must all, sooner +or later, embark, that have entirely escaped your vigilance. But of +this I will speak some other time. At present it is my painful duty +to inform you it is the opinion of the physician that your excellent +wife cannot outlive the day, if, indeed, she do the hour." + +My father was struck with this intelligence, and for more than a +minute he remained silent and without motion. Casting his eyes +toward the papers on which he had lately been employed, and which +contained some very important calculations connected with the next +settling day, he at length resumed: + +"If this be really so, Doctor, it may be well for me to go to her, +since one in the situation of the poor woman may indeed have +something of importance to communicate." + +"It is with this object that I have now come to tell you the truth," +quietly answered the divine, who knew that nothing was to be gained +by contending with the besetting weakness of such a man, at such a +moment. + +My father bent his head in assent, and, first carefully enclosing +the open papers in a secretary, he followed his companion to the +bedside of his dying wife. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +TOUCHING MYSELF AND TEN THOUSAND POUNDS. + + +Although my ancestor was much too wise to refuse to look back upon +his origin in a worldly point of view, he never threw his +retrospective glances so far as to reach the sublime mystery of his +moral existence; and while his thoughts might be said to be ever on +the stretch to attain glimpses into the future, they were by far too +earthly to extend beyond any other settling day than those which +were regulated by the ordinances of the stock exchange. With him, to +be born was but the commencement of a speculation, and to die was to +determine the general balance of profit and loss. A man who had so +rarely meditated on the grave changes of mortality, therefore, was +consequently so much the less prepared to gaze upon the visible +solemnities of a death-bed. Although he had never truly loved my +mother, for love was a sentiment much too pure and elevated for one +whose imagination dwelt habitually on the beauties of the stock- +books, he had ever been kind to her, and of late he was even much +disposed, as has already been stated, to contribute as much to her +temporal comforts as comported with his pursuits and habits. On the +other hand, the quiet temperament of my mother required some more +exciting cause than the affections of her husband, to quicken those +germs of deep, placid, womanly love, that certainly lay dormant in +her heart, like seed withering with the ungenial cold of winter. The +last meeting of such a pair was not likely to be attended with any +violent outpourings of grief. + +My ancestor, notwithstanding, was deeply struck with the physical +changes in the appearance of his wife. + +"Thou art much emaciated, Betsey," he said, taking her hand kindly, +after a long and solemn pause; "much more so than I had thought, or +could have believed! Dost nurse give thee comforting soups and +generous nourishment?" + +My mother smiled the ghastly smile of death; but waved her hand, +with loathing, at his suggestion. + +"All this is now too late, Mr. Goldencalf," she answered, speaking +with a distinctness and an energy for which she had long been +reserving her strength. "Food and raiment are no longer among my +wants." + +"Well, well, Betsey, one that is in want of neither food nor +raiment, cannot be said to be in great suffering, after all; and I +am glad that thou art so much at ease. Dr. Etherington tells me thou +art far from being well bodily, however, and I am come expressly to +see if I can order anything that will help to make thee more easy." + +"Mr. Goldencalf, you can. My wants for this life are nearly over; a +short hour or two will remove me beyond the world, its cares, its +vanities, its--" My poor mother probably meant to add, its +heartlessness or its selfishness; but she rebuked herself, and +paused: "By the mercy of our blessed Redeemer, and through the +benevolent agency of this excellent man," she resumed, glancing her +eye upwards at first with holy reverence, and then at the divine +with meek gratitude, "I quit you without alarm, and were it not for +one thing, I might say without care." + +"And what is there to distress thee, in particular, Betsey?" asked +my father, blowing his nose, and speaking with unusual tenderness; +"if it be in my power to set thy heart at ease on this, or on any +other point, name it, and I will give orders to have it immediately +performed. Thou hast been a good pious woman, and canst have little +to reproach thyself with." + +My mother looked earnestly and wistfully at her husband. Never +before had he betrayed so strong an interest in her happiness, and +had it not, alas! been too late, this glimmering of kindness might +have lighted the matrimonial torch into a brighter flame than had +ever yet glowed upon the past. + +"Mr. Goldencalf, we have an only son--" + +"We have, Betsey, and it may gladden thee to hear that the physician +thinks the boy more likely to live than either of his poor brothers +and sisters." + +I cannot explain the holy and mysterious principle of maternal +nature that caused my mother to clasp her hands, to raise her eyes +to heaven, and, while a gleam flitted athwart her glassy eyes and +wan cheeks, to murmur her thanks to God for the boon. She was +herself hastening away to the eternal bliss of the pure of mind and +the redeemed, and her imagination, quiet and simple as it was, had +drawn pictures in which she and her departed babes were standing +before the throne of the Most High, chanting his glory, and shining +amid the stars--and yet was she now rejoicing that the last and the +most cherished of all her offsprings was likely to be left exposed +to the evils, the vices, nay, to the enormities, of the state of +being that she herself so willingly resigned. + +"It is of our boy that I wish now to speak, Mr. Goldencalf," replied +my mother, when her secret devotion was ended. "The child will have +need of instruction and care; in short, of both mother and father." + +"Betsey, thou forgettest that he will still have the latter." + +"You are much wrapped up in your business, Mr. Goldencalf, and are +not, in other respects, qualified to educate a boy born to the curse +and to the temptations of immense riches." + +My excellent ancestor looked as if he thought his dying consort had +in sooth finally taken leave of her senses. + +"There are public schools, Betsey; I promise thee the child shall +not be forgotten: I will have him well taught, though it cost me a +thousand a year!" + +His wife reached forth her emaciated hand to that of my father, and +pressed the latter with as much force as a dying mother could use. +For a fleet moment she even appeared to have gotten rid of her +latest care. But the knowledge of character that had been acquired +by the hard experience of thirty years, was not to be unsettled by +the gratitude of a moment. + +"I wish, Mr. Goldencalf," she anxiously resumed, "to receive your +solemn promise to commit the education of our boy to Dr. +Etherington--you know his worth, and must have full confidence in +such a man." + +"Nothing would give me greater satisfaction, my dear Betsey; and if +Dr. Etherington will consent to receive him, I will send Jack to his +house this very evening; for, to own the truth, I am but little +qualified to take charge of a child under a year old. A hundred a +year, more or less, shall not spoil so good a bargain." + +The divine was a gentleman, and he looked grave at this speech, +though, meeting the anxious eyes of my mother, his own lost their +displeasure in a glance of reassurance and pity. + +"The charges of his education will be easily settled, Mr. +Goldencalf," added my mother; "but the Doctor has consented with +difficulty to take the responsibility of my poor babe, and that only +under two conditions." + +The stock-dealer required an explanation with his eyes. + +"One is, that the child shall be left solely to his own care, after +he has reached his fourth year; and the other is, that you make an +endowment for the support of two poor scholars, at one of the +principal schools." + +As my mother got out the last words, she fell back on her pillow, +whence her interest in the subject had enabled her to lift her head +a little, and she fairly gasped for breath, in the intensity of her +anxiety to hear the answer. My ancestor contracted his brow, like +one who saw it was a subject that required reflection. + +"Thou dost not know perhaps, Betsey, that these endowments swallow +up a great deal of money--a great deal--and often very uselessly." + +"Ten thousand pounds is the sum that has been agreed upon between +Mrs. Goldencalf and me," steadily remarked the Doctor, who, in my +soul, I believe had hoped that his condition would be rejected, +having yielded to the importunities of a dying woman, rather than to +his own sense of that which might be either very desirable or very +useful. + +"Ten thousand pounds!" + +My mother could not speak, though she succeeded in making an +imploring sign of assent. + +"Ten thousand pounds is a great deal of money, my dear Betsey--a +very great deal!" + +The color of my mother changed to the hue of death, and by her +breathing she appeared to be in the agony. + +"Well, well, Betsey," said my father a little hastily, for he was +frightened at her pallid countenance and extreme distress, "have it +thine own way--the money, yes, yes--it shall be given as thou +wishest--now set thy kind heart at rest." + +The revulsion of feeling was too great for one whose system had been +wound up to a state of excitement like that which had sustained my +mother, who, an hour before, had seemed scarcely able to speak. She +extended her hand toward her husband, smiled benignantly in his +face, whispered the word "Thanks," and then, losing all her powers +of body, sank into the last sleep, as tranquilly as the infant drops +its head on the bosom of the nurse. This was, after all, a sudden, +and, in one sense, an unexpected death: all who witnessed it were +struck with awe. My father gazed for a whole minute intently on the +placid features of his wife, and left the room in silence. He was +followed by Dr. Etherington, who accompanied him to the private +apartment where they had first met that night, neither uttering a +syllable until both were seated. + +"She was a good woman, Dr. Etherington!" said the widowed man, +shaking his foot with agitation. + +"She was a good woman, Mr. Goldencalf." + +"And a good wife, Dr. Etherington." + +"I have always believed her to be a good wife, sir." + +"Faithful, obedient, and frugal." + +"Three qualities that are of much practical use in the affairs of +this world." + +"I shall never marry again, sir." + +The divine bowed. + +"Nay, I never could find such another match!" + +Again the divine inclined his head, though the assent was +accompanied by slight smile. + +"Well, she has left me an heir." + +"And brought something that he might inherit," observed the Doctor, +dryly. + +My ancestor looked up inquiringly at his companion, but apparently +most of the sarcasm was thrown away, + +"I resign the child to your care, Dr. Etherington, conformably to +the dying request of my beloved Betsey." + +"I accept the charge, Mr. Goldencalf, comformably to my promise to +the deceased; but you will remember that there was a condition +coupled with that promise which must be faithfully and promptly +fulfilled." + +My ancestor was too much accustomed to respect the punctilios of +trade, whose code admits of frauds only in certain categories, which +are sufficiently explained in its conventional rules of honor; a +sort of specified morality, that is bottomed more on the convenience +of its votaries than on the general law of right. He respected the +letter of his promise while his soul yearned to avoid its spirit; +and his wits were already actively seeking the means of doing that +which he so much desired. + +"I did make a promise to poor Betsey, certainly," he answered, in +the way of one who pondered, "and it was a promise, too, made under +very solemn circumstances." + +"The promises made to the dead are doubly binding; since, by their +departure to the world of spirits, it may be said they leave the +performance to the exclusive superintendence of the Being who cannot +lie." + +My ancestor quailed; his whole frame shuddered, and his purpose was +shaken. + +"Poor Betsey left you as her representative in this case, however, +Doctor," he observed, after the delay of more than a minute, casting +his eyes wistfully towards the divine. + +"In one sense, she certainly did, sir." + +"And a representative with full powers is legally a principal under +a different name. I think this matter might be arranged to our +mutual satisfaction, Dr. Etherington, and the intention of poor +Betsey most completely executed; she, poor woman, knew little of +business, as was best for her sex; and when women undertake affairs +of magnitude, they are very apt to make awkward work of it." + +"So that the intention of the deceased be completely fulfilled, you +will not find me exacting, Mr. Goldencalf." + +"I thought as much--I knew there could be no difficulty between two +men of sense, who were met with honest views to settle a matter of +this nature. The intention of poor Betsey, Doctor, was to place her +child under your care, with the expectation--and I do not deny its +justice--that the boy would receive more benefit from your knowledge +than he possibly could from mine." + +Dr. Etherington was too honest to deny these premises, and too +polite to admit them without an inclination of acknowledgment. + +"As we are quite of the same mind, good sir, concerning the +preliminaries," continued my ancestor, "we will enter a little +nearer into the details. It appears to me to be no more than strict +justice, that he who does the work should receive the reward. This +is a principle in which I have been educated, Dr. Etherington; it is +one in which I could wish to have my son educated; and it is one on +which I hope always to practise." + +Another inclination of the body conveyed the silent assent of the +divine. + +"Now, poor Betsey, Heaven bless her!--for she was a meek and +tranquil companion, and richly deserves to be rewarded in a future +state--but, poor Betsey had little knowledge of business. She +fancied that, in bestowing these ten thousand pounds on a charity, +she was acting well; whereas she was in fact committing injustice. +If you are to have the trouble and care of bringing up little Jack, +who but you should reap the reward?" + +"I shall expect, Mr. Goldencalf, that you will furnish the means to +provide for the child's wants." + +"Of that, sir, it is unnecessary to speak," interrupted my ancestor, +both promptly and proudly. "I am a wary man, and a prudent man, and +am one who knows the value of money, I trust; but I am no miser, to +stint my own flesh and blood. Jack shall never want for anything, +while it is in my power to give it. I am by no means as rich, sir, +as the neighborhood supposes; but then I am no beggar. I dare say, +if all my assets were fairly counted, it might be found that I am +worth a plum." + +"You are said to have received a much larger sum than that with the +late Mrs. Goldencalf," the divine observed, not without reproof in +his voice. + +"Ah, dear sir, I need not tell you what vulgar rumor is--but I shall +not undermine my own credit; and we will change the subject. My +object, Dr. Etherington, was merely to do justice. Poor Betsey +desired that ten thousand pounds might be given to found a +scholarship or two: now, what have these scholars done, or what are +they likely to do, for me or mine? The case is different with you, +sir; you will have trouble--much trouble, I make no doubt; and it is +proper that you should have a sufficient compensation. I was about +to propose, therefore, that you should consent to receive my check +for three, or four, or even for five thousand pounds," continued my +ancestor, raising the offer as he saw the frown on the brow of the +Doctor deepen. "Yes, sir, I will even say the latter sum, which +possibly will not be too much for your trouble and care; and we will +forget the womanish plan of poor Betsey in relation to the two +scholarships and the charity. Five thousand pounds down, Doctor, for +yourself, and the subject of the charity forgotten forever." + +When my father had thus distinctly put his proposition, he awaited +its effect with the confidence of a man who had long dealt with +cupidity. For a novelty, his calculation failed. The face of Dr. +Etherington flushed, then paled, and finally settled into a look of +melancholy reprehension. He arose and paced the room for several +minutes in silence; during which time his companion believed he was +debating with himself on the chances of obtaining a higher bid for +his consent, when he suddenly stopped and addressed my ancestor in a +mild but steady tone. + +"I feel it to be a duty, Mr. Goldencalf," he said, "to admonish you +of the precipice over which you hang. The love of money, which is +the root of all evil, which caused Judas to betray even his Saviour +and God, has taken deep root in your soul. You are no longer young, +and although still proud in your strength and prosperity, are much +nearer to your great account than you may be willing to believe. It +is not an hour since you witnessed the departure of a penitent soul +for the presence of her God; since you heard the dying request from +her lips; and since, in such a presence and in such a scene, you +gave a pledge to respect her wishes, and, now, with the accursed +spirit of gain upper-most, you would trifle with these most sacred +obligations, in order to keep a little worthless gold in a hand that +is already full to overflowing. Fancy that the pure spirit of thy +confiding and single-minded wife were present at this conversation; +fancy it mourning over thy weakness and violated faith--nay, I know +not that such is not the fact; for there is no reason to believe +that the happy spirits are not permitted to watch near, and mourn +over us, until we are released from this mass of sin and depravity +in which we dwell--and, then, reflect what must be her sorrow at +hearing how soon her parting request is forgotten, how useless has +been the example of her holy end, how rooted and fearful are thine +own infirmities!" + +My father was more rebuked by the manner than by the words of the +divine. He passed his hand across his brow, as if to shut out the +view of his wife's spirit; turned, drew his writing materials +nearer, wrote a check for the ten thousand pounds, and handed it to +the Doctor with the subdued air of a corrected boy. + +"Jack shall be at your disposal, good sir," he said, as the paper +was delivered, "whenever it may be your pleasure to send for him." + +They parted in silence; the divine too much displeased, and my +ancestor too much grieved, to indulge in words of ceremony. + +When my father found himself alone, he gazed furtively about the +room, to assure himself that the rebuking spirit of his wife had not +taken a shape less questionable than air, and then, he mused for at +least an hour, very painfully, on all the principal occurrences of +the night. It is said that occupation is a certain solace for grief, +and so it proved to be in the present case; for luckily my father +had made up that very day his private account of the sum total of +his fortune. Sitting down, therefore, to the agreeable task, he went +through the simple process of subtracting from it the amount for +which he had just drawn, and, finding that he was still master of +seven hundred and eighty-two thousand three hundred and eleven +pounds odd shillings and even pence, he found a very natural +consolation for the magnitude of the sum he had just given away, by +comparing it with the magnitude of that which was left. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +OPINIONS OF OUR AUTHOR'S ANCESTOR, TOGETHER WITH SOME OF HIS OWN, +AND SOME OF OTHER PEOPLE'S. + + +Dr. Etherington was both a pious man and a gentleman. The second son +of a baronet of ancient lineage, he had been educated in most of the +opinions of his caste, and possibly he was not entirely above its +prejudices; but, this much admitted, few divines were more willing +to defer to the ethics and principles of the Bible than himself. His +humility had, of course, a decent regard to station; his charity was +judiciously regulated by the articles of faith; and his philanthropy +was of the discriminating character that became a warm supporter of +church and state. + +In accepting the trust which he was now obliged to assume, he had +yielded purely to a benevolent wish to smooth the dying pillow of my +mother. Acquainted with the character of her husband, he had +committed a sort of pious fraud, in attaching the condition of the +endowment to his consent; for, notwithstanding the becoming language +of his own rebuke, the promise, and all the other little attendant +circumstances of the night, it might be questioned which felt the +most surprise after the draft was presented and duly honored, he who +found himself in possession, or he who found himself deprived, of +the sum of ten thousand pounds sterling. Still Dr. Etherington acted +with the most scrupulous integrity in the whole affair; and although +I am aware that a writer who has so many wonders to relate, as must +of necessity adorn the succeeding pages of this manuscript, should +observe a guarded discretion in drawing on the credulity of his +readers, truth compels me to add, that every farthing of the money +was duly invested with a single eye to the wishes of the dying +Christian, who, under Providence, had been the means of bestowing so +much gold on the poor and unlettered. As to the manner in which the +charity was finally improved, I shall say nothing, since no inquiry +on my part has ever enabled me to obtain such information as would +justify my speaking with authority. + +As for myself, I shall have little more to add touching the events +of the succeeding twenty years. I was baptized, nursed, breeched, +schooled, horsed, confirmed, sent to the university, and graduated, +much as befalls all gentlemen of the established church in the +united kingdoms of Great Britain and Ireland, or, in other words, of +the land of my ancestor. During these pregnant years, Dr. +Etherington acquitted himself of a duty that, judging by a very +predominant feeling of human nature (which, singularly enough, +renders us uniformly averse to being troubled with other people's +affairs), I think he must have found sufficiently vexatious, quite +as well as my good mother had any right to expect. Most of my +vacations were spent at his rectory; for he had first married, then +become a father, next a widower, and had exchanged his town living +for one in the country, between the periods of my mother's death and +that on my going to Eton; and, after I quitted Oxford, much more of +my time was passed beneath his friendly roof than beneath that of my +own parent. Indeed, I saw little of the latter. He paid my bills, +furnished me with pocket-money, and professed an intention to let me +travel after I should reach my majority. But, satisfied with these +proofs of paternal care, he appeared willing to let me pursue my own +course very much in my own way. + +My ancestor was an eloquent example of the truth of that political +dogma which teaches the efficacy of the division of labor. No +manufacturer of the head of a pin ever attained greater dexterity in +his single-minded vocation than was reached by my father in the one +pursuit to which he devoted, as far as human ken could reach, both +soul and body. As any sense is known to increase in acuteness by +constant exercise, or any passion by indulgence, so did his ardor in +favor of the great object of his affections grow with its growth, +and become more manifest as an ordinary observer would be apt to +think the motive of its existence at all had nearly ceased. This is +a moral phenomenon that I have often had occasion to observe, and +which, there is some reason to think, depends on a principle of +attraction that has hitherto escaped the sagacity of the +philosophers, but which is as active in the immaterial, as is that +of gravitation in the material world. Talents like his, so +incessantly and unweariedly employed, produced the usual fruits. He +grew richer hourly, and at the time of which I speak he was pretty +generally known to the initiated to be the warmest man who had +anything to do with the stock exchange. + +I do not think that the opinions of my ancestor underwent as many +material changes between the ages of fifty and seventy as they had +undergone between the ages of ten and forty. During the latter +period the tree of life usually gets deep root, its inclination is +fixed, whether obtained by bending to the storms, or by drawing +toward the light; and it probably yields more in fruits of its own, +than it gains by tillage and manuring. Still my ancestor was not +exactly the same man the day he kept his seventieth birthday as he +had been the day he kept his fiftieth. In the first place, he was +worth thrice the money at the former period that he had been worth +at the latter. Of course his moral system had undergone all the +mutations that are known to be dependent on a change of this +important character. Beyond a question, during the last five-and- +twenty years of the life of my ancestor, his political bias, too, +was in favor of exclusive privileges and exclusive benefits. I do +not mean that he was an aristocrat in the vulgar acceptation. To +him, feudality was a blank; he had probably never heard the word. +Portcullises rose and fell, flanking towers lifted their heads, and +embattled walls swept around their fabrics in vain, so far as his +imagination was concerned. He cared not for the days of courts leet +and courts baron; nor for the barons themselves; nor for the honors +of a pedigree (why should he?--no prince in the land could more +clearly trace his family into obscurity than himself), nor for the +vanities of a court, nor for those of society; nor for aught else of +the same nature that is apt to have charms for the weak-minded, the +imaginative, or the conceited. His political prepossessions showed +themselves in a very different manner. Throughout the whole of the +five lustres I have named, he was never heard to whisper a censure +against government, let its measures, or the character of its +administration, be what it would. It was enough for him that it was +government. Even taxation no longer excited his ire, nor aroused his +eloquence. He conceived it to be necessary to order, and especially +to the protection of property, a branch of political science that he +had so studied as to succeed in protecting his own estate, in a +measure, against even this great ally itself. After he became worth +a million, it was observed that all his opinions grew less favorable +to mankind in general, and that he was much disposed to exaggerate +the amount and quality of the few boons which Providence has +bestowed on the poor. The report of a meeting of the Whigs generally +had an effect on his appetite; a resolution that was suspected of +emanating from Brookes's commonly robbed him of a dinner, and the +Radicals never seriously moved that he did not spend a sleepless +night, and pass a large portion of the next day in uttering words +that it would be hardly moral to repeat. I may without impropriety +add, however, that on such occasions he did not spare allusions to +the gallows; Sir Francis Burdett, in particular, was a target for a +good deal of billingsgate; and men as upright and as respectable +even as my lords Grey, Landsdowne, and Holland, were treated as if +they were no better than they should be. But on these little details +it is unnecessary to dwell, for it must be a subject of common +remark, that the more elevated and refined men become in their +political ethics, the more they are accustomed to throw dirt upon +their neighbors. I will just state, however, that most of what I +have here related has been transmitted to me by direct oral +traditions, for I seldom saw my ancestor, and when we did meet, it +was only to settle accounts, to eat a leg of mutton together, and to +part like those who, at least, have never quarrelled. + +Not so with Dr. Etherington. Habit (to say nothing of my own merits) +had attached him to one who owed so much to his care, and his doors +were always as open to me as if I had been his own son. + +It has been said that most of my idle time (omitting the part +misspent in the schools) was passed at the rectory. + +The excellent divine had married a lovely woman, a year or two after +the death of my mother, who had left him a widower, and the father +of a little image of herself, before the expiration of a +twelvemonth. Owing to the strength of his affections for the +deceased, or for his daughter, or because he could not please +himself in a second marriage as well as it had been his good fortune +to do in the first, Dr. Etherington had never spoken of forming +another connection. He appeared content to discharge his duties, as +a Christian and a gentleman, without increasing them by creating any +new relations with society. + +Anna Etherington was of course my constant companion during many +long and delightful visits at the rectory. Three years my junior, +the friendship on my part had commenced by a hundred acts of boyish +kindness. Between the ages of seven and twelve, I dragged her about +in a garden-chair, pushed her on the swing, and wiped her eyes and +uttered words of friendly consolation when any transient cloud +obscured the sunny brightness of her childhood. From twelve to +fourteen, I told her stories; astonished her with narratives of my +own exploits at Eton, and caused her serene blue eyes to open in +admiration at the marvels of London. At fourteen, I began to pick up +her pocket-handkerchief, hunt for her thimble, accompany her in +duets, and to read poetry to her, as she occupied herself with the +little lady-like employments of the needle. About the age of +seventeen I began to compare cousin Anna, as I was permitted to call +her, with the other young girls of my acquaintance, and the +comparison was generally much in her favor. It was also about this +time that, as my admiration grew more warm and manifest, she became +less confiding and less frank; I perceived too that, for a novelty, +she now had some secrets that she did not choose to communicate to +me, that she was more with her governess, and less in my society +than formerly, and on one occasion (bitterly did I feel the slight) +she actually recounted to her father the amusing incidents of a +little birthday fete at which she had been present, and which was +given by a gentleman of the vicinity, before she even dropped a hint +to me, touching the delight she had experienced on the occasion. I +was, however, a good deal compensated for the slight by her saying, +kindly, as she ended her playful and humorous account of the affair: + +"It would have made you laugh heartily, Jack, to see the droll +manner in which the servants acted their parts" (there had been a +sort of mystified masque), "more particularly the fat old butler, of +whom they had made a Cupid, as Dick Griffin said, in order to show +that love becomes drowsy and dull by good eating and drinking--I DO +wish you COULD have been there, Jack." + +Anna was a gentle feminine girl, with a most lovely and winning +countenance, and I did inherently like to hear her pronounce the +word "Jack"--it was so different from the boisterous screech of the +Eton boys, or the swaggering call of my boon companions at Oxford! + +"I should have liked it excessively myself, Anna," I answered; "more +particularly as you seem to have so much enjoyed the fun." + +"Yes, but that COULD NOT BE" interrupted Miss-Mrs. Norton, the +governess. "For Sir Harry Griffin is very difficult about his +associates, and you know, my dear, that Mr. Goldencalf, though a +very respectable young man himself, could not expect one of the +oldest baronets of the county to go out of his way to invite the son +of a stock-jobber to be present at a fete given to his own heir." + +Luckily for Miss-Mrs. Norton, Dr. Etherington had walked away the +moment his daughter ended her recital, or she might have met with a +disagreeable commentary on her notions concerning the fitness of +associations. Anna herself looked earnestly at her governess, and I +saw a flush mantle over her sweet face that reminded me of the +ruddiness of morn. Her soft eyes then fell to the floor, and it was +some time before she spoke. + +The next day I was arranging some fishing-tackle under a window of +the library, where my person was concealed by the shrubbery, when I +heard the melodious voice of Anna wishing the rector good morning. +My heart beat quicker as she approached the casement, tenderly +inquiring of her parent how he had passed the night. The answers +were as affectionate as the questions, and then there was a little +pause. + +"What is a stock-jobber, father?" suddenly resumed Anna, whom I +heard rustling the leaves above my head. + +"A stock-jobber, my dear, is one who buys and sells in the public +funds, with a view to profit." + +"And is it thought a PARTICULARLY disgraceful employment?" + +"Why, that depends on circumstances. On 'Change it seems to be well +enough--among merchants and bankers there is some odium attached to +it, I believe." + +"And can you say why, father?" + +"I believe," said Dr. Etherington, laughing, "for no other reason +than that it is an uncertain calling--one that is liable to sudden +reverses--what is termed gambling--and whatever renders property +insecure is sure to obtain odium among those whose principal concern +is its accumulation; those who consider the responsibility of others +of essential importance to themselves." + +"But is it a dishonest pursuit, father?" + +"As the times go, not necessarily, my dear; though it may readily +become so." + +"And is it disreputable, generally, with the world?" + +"That depends on circumstances, Anna. When the stock-jobber loses, +he is very apt to be condemned; but I rather think his character +rises in proportion to his gains. But why do you ask these singular +questions, love?" + +I thought I heard Anna breathe harder than usual, and it is certain +that she leaned far out of the window to pluck a rose. + +"Why, Mrs. Norton said Jack was not invited to Sir Harry Griffin's +because his father was a stock-jobber. Do you think she was right, +sir?" + +"Very likely, my dear," returned the divine, who I fancied was +smiling at the question. "Sir Harry has the advantages of birth, and +he probably did not forget that our friend Jack was not so +fortunate--and, moreover, Sir Harry, while he values himself on his +wealth, is not as rich as Jack's father by a million or two--in +other words, as they say on 'Change, Jack's father could buy ten of +him. This motive was perhaps more likely to influence him than the +first. In addition, Sir Harry is suspected of gambling himself in +the funds through the aid of agents; and a gentleman who resorts to +such means to increase his fortune is a little apt to exaggerate his +social advantages by way of a set-off to the humiliation." + +"And GENTLEMEN do really become stock-jobbers, father?" + +"Anna, the world has undergone great changes in my time. Ancient +opinions have been shaken, and governments themselves are getting to +be little better than political establishments to add facilities to +the accumulation of money. This is a subject, however, you cannot +very well understand, nor do I pretend to be very profound in it +myself." + +"But is Jack's father really so very, very rich?" asked Anna, whose +thoughts had been wandering from the thread of those pursued by her +father. + +"He is believed to be so." + +"And Jack is his heir." + +"Certainly--he has no other child; though it is not easy to say what +so singular a being may do with his money." + +"I hope he will disinherit Jack!" + +"You surprise me, Anna! You, who are so mild and reasonable, to wish +such a misfortune to befall our young friend John Goldencalf!" I +gazed upward in astonishment at this extraordinary speech of Anna, +and at the moment I would have given all my interest in the fortune +in question to have seen her face (most of her body was out of the +window, for I heard her again rustling the bush above my head), in +order to judge of her motive by its expression; but an envious rose +grew exactly in the only spot where it was possible to get a +glimpse. + +"Why do you wish so cruel a thing?" resumed Dr. Etherington, a +little earnestly. + +"Because I hate stock-jobbing and its riches, father. Were Jack +poorer, it seems to me he would be better esteemed." + +As this was uttered the dear girl drew back, and I then perceived +that I had mistaken her cheek for one of the largest and most +blooming of the flowers. Dr. Etherington laughed, and I distinctly +heard him kiss the blushing face of his daughter. I think I would +have given up my hopes in another million to have been the rector at +Tenthpig at that instant. + +"If that be all, child," he answered, "set thy heart at rest. Jack's +money will never bring him into contempt unless through the use he +may make of it. Alas! Anna, we live in an age of corruption and +cupidity! Generous motives appear to be lost sight of in the general +desire of gain; and he who would manifest a disposition to a pure +and disinterested philanthropy is either distrusted as a hypocrite +or derided as a fool. The accursed revolution among our neighbors +the French has quite unsettled opinions, and religion itself has +tottered in the wild anarchy of theories to which it has given rise. +There is no worldly advantage that has been more austerely denounced +by the divine writers than riches, and yet it is fast rising to be +the god of the ascendant. To say nothing of an hereafter, society is +getting to be corrupted by it to the core, and even respect for +birth is yielding to the mercenary feeling." + +"And do you not think pride of birth, father, a mistaken prejudice +as well as pride of riches?" + +"Pride of any sort, my love, cannot exactly be defended on +evangelical principles; but surely some distinctions among men are +necessary, even for quiet. Were the levelling principle +acknowledged, the lettered and the accomplished must descend to an +equality with the ignorant and vulgar, since all men cannot rise to +the attainments of the former class, and the world would retrograde +to barbarism. The character of a Christian gentleman is much too +precious to trifle with in order to carry out an impracticable +theory." + +Anna was silent. Probably she was confused between the opinions +which she most liked to cherish and the faint glimmerings of truth +to which we are reduced by the ordinary relations of life. As for +the good rector himself, I had no difficulty in understanding his +bias, though neither his premises nor his conclusions possessed the +logical clearness that used to render his sermons so delightful, +more especially when he preached about the higher qualities of the +Saviour's dispensation, such as charity, love of our fellows, and, +in particular, the imperative duty of humbling ourselves before God. + +A month after this accidental dialogue, chance made me auditor of +what passed between my ancestor and Sir Joseph Job, another +celebrated dealer in the funds, in an interview that took place in +the house of the former in Cheapside. As the difference was so +PATENT, as the French express it, I shall furnish the substance of +what passed. + +"This is a serious and a most alarming movement, Mr. Goldencalf," +observed Sir Joseph, "and calls for union and cordiality among the +holders of property. Should these damnable opinions get fairly +abroad among the people, what would become of us? I ask, Mr. +Goldencalf, what would become of us?" + +"I agree with you, Sir Joseph, it is very alarming!--frightfully +alarming!" + +"We shall have agrarian laws, sir. Your money, sir, and mine--our +hard earnings--will become the prey of political robbers, and our +children will be beggared to satisfy the envious longings of some +pitiful scoundrel without a six-pence!" + +"'Tis a sad state of things, Sir Joseph; and government is very +culpable that it don't raise at least ten new regiments." + +"The worst of it is, good Mr. Goldencalf, that there are some jack- +a-napeses of the aristocracy who lead the rascals on and lend them +the sanction of their names. It is a great mistake, sir, that we +give so much importance to birth in this island, by which means +proud beggars set unwashed blackguards in motion, and the +substantial subjects are the sufferers. Property, sir, is in danger, +and property is the only true basis of society." + +"I am sure, Sir Joseph, I never could see the smallest use in +birth." + +"It is of no use but to beget pensioners, Mr. Goldencalf. Now with +property it is a different thing--money is the parent of money, and +by money a state becomes powerful and prosperous. But this accursed +revolution among our neighbors the French has quite unsettled +opinions, and, alas! property is in perpetual danger!" + +"Sorry am I to say, I feel it to be so in every nerve of my body, +Sir Joseph." + +"We must unite and defend ourselves, Mr. Goldencalf, else both you +and I, men warm enough and substantial enough at present, will be in +the ditch. Do you not see that we are in actual danger of a division +of property?" + +"God forbid!" + +"Yes, sir, our sacred property is in danger!" + +Here Sir Joseph shook my father cordially by the hand and withdrew. +I find, by a memorandum among the papers of my deceased ancestor, +that he paid the broker of Sir Joseph, that day month, sixty-two +thousand seven hundred and twelve pounds difference (as bull and +bear), owing to the fact of the knight having got some secret +information through a clerk in one of the offices; an advantage that +enabled him, in this instance, at least, to make a better bargain +than one who was generally allowed to be among the shrewdest +speculators on 'Change. + +My mind was of a nature to be considerably exercised (as the pious +purists express it), by becoming the depository of sentiments so +diametrically opposed to each other as those of Dr. Etherington and +those of Sir Joseph Job. On the one side, I was taught the +degradation of birth; on the other, the dangers of property. Anna +was usually my confidant, but on this subject I was tongue-tied, for +I dared not confess that I had overheard the discourse with her +father, and I was compelled to digest the contradictory doctrines by +myself in the best manner I could. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +SHOWING THE UPS AND DOWNS, THE HOPES AND FEARS, AND THE VAGARIES OF +LOVE, SOME VIEWS OF DEATH, AND AN ACCOUNT OF AN INHERITANCE. + + +From my twentieth to my twenty-third year no event occurred of any +great moment. The day I became of age my father settled on me a +regular allowance of a thousand a year, and I make no doubt I should +have spent my time much as other young men had it not been for the +peculiarity of my birth, which I now began to see was wanting in a +few of the requisites to carry me successfully through a struggle +for place with a certain portion of what is called the great world. +While most were anxious to trace themselves into obscurity, there +was a singular reluctance to effecting the object as clearly and as +distinctly as it was in my power to do. From all which, as well as +from much other testimony, I have been led to infer that the doses +of mystification which appear to be necessary to the happiness of +the human race require to be mixed with an experienced and a +delicate hand. Our organs, both physically and morally, are so +fearfully constituted that they require to be protected from +realities. As the physical eye has need of clouded glass to look +steadily at the sun so it would seem the mind's eye has also need of +something smoky to look steadily at truth. But, while I avoided +laying open the secret of my heart to Anna, I sought various +opportunities to converse with Dr. Etherington and my father on +those points which gave me the most concern. From the first, I heard +principles which went to show that society was of necessity divided +into orders; that it was not only impolitic but wicked to weaken the +barriers by which they were separated; that Heaven had its seraphs +and cherubs, its archangels and angels, its saints and its merely +happy, and that, by obvious induction, this world ought to have its +kings, lords, and commons. The usual winding-up of all the Doctor's +essays was a lamentation on the confusion in classes that was +visiting England as a judgment. My ancestor, on the other hand, +cared little for social classification, or for any other +conservatory expedient but force. On this topic he would talk all +day, regiments and bayonets glittering in every sentence. When most +eloquent on this theme he would cry (like Mr. Manners Sutton), +"ORDER--order!" nor can I recall a single disquisition that did not +end with, "Alas, Jack, property is in danger!" + +I shall not say that my mind entirely escaped confusion among these +conflicting opinions, although I luckily got a glimpse of one +important truth, for both the commentators cordially agreed in +fearing and, of necessity, in hating the mass of their fellow- +creatures. My own natural disposition was inclining to philanthropy, +and as I was unwilling to admit the truth of theories that arrayed +me in open hostility against so large a portion of mankind, I soon +determined to set up one of my own, which, while it avoided the +faults, should include the excellences of both the others. It was, +of course, no great affair merely to form such a resolution; but I +shall have occasion to say a word hereafter on the manner in which I +attempted to carry it out in practice. + +Time moved on, and Anna became each day more beautiful. I thought +that she had lost some of her frankness and girlish gayety, it is +true, after the dialogue with her father; but this I attributed to +the reserve and discretion that became the expanding reason and +greater feeling of propriety that adorn young womanhood. With me she +was always ingenuous and simple, and were I to live a thousand years +the angelic serenity of countenance with which she invariably +listened to the theories of my busy brain would not be erased from +recollection. + +We were talking of these things one morning quite alone. Anna heard +me when I was most sedate with manifest pleasure, and she smiled +mournfully when the thread of my argument was entangled by a vagary +of the imagination. I felt at my heart's core what a blessing such a +mentor would be, and how fortunate would be my lot could I succeed +in securing her for life. Still I did not, could not, summon courage +to lay bare my inmost thoughts, and to beg a boon that in these +moments of transient humility I feared I never should be worthy to +possess. + +"I have even thought of marrying," I continued--so occupied with my +own theories as not to weigh, with the accuracy that becomes the +frankness and superior advantages which man possesses over the +gentler sex, the full import of my words; "could I find one, Anna, +as gentle, as good, as beautiful, and as wise as yourself who would +consent to be mine, I should not wait a minute; but, unhappily, I +fear this is not likely to be my blessed lot. I am not the grandson +of a baronet, and your father expects to unite you with one who can +at least show that the 'bloody hand' has once been born on his +shield; and, on the other side, my father talks of nothing but +millions." During the first part of this speech the amiable girl +looked kindly up at me, and with a seeming desire to soothe me; but +at its close her eyes dropped upon her work and she remained silent. +"Your father says that every man who has an interest in the state +should give it pledges"--here Anna smiled, but so covertly that her +sweet mouth scarce betrayed the impulse--"and that none others can +ever control it to advantage. I have thought of asking my father to +buy a borough and a baronetcy, for with the first, and the influence +that his money gives, he need not long wish for the last; but I +never open my lips on any matter of the sort that he does not answer +'Fol lol der rol, Jack, with your knighthoods, and social order, and +bishoprics, and boroughs--property is in danger!--loans and +regiments, if thou wilt--give us more order "ORDER--order"--bayonets +are what we want, boy, and good wholesome taxes, to accustom the +nation to contribute to its own wants and to maintain its credit. +Why, youngster, if the interest on the debt were to remain unpaid +twenty-four hours, your body corporate, as you call it, would die a +natural death; and what would then become of your knights--barro- +knights?--and barren enough some of them are getting to be by their +wastefulness and extravagance. Get thee married, Jack, and settle +prudently. There is neighbor Silverpenny has an only daughter of a +suitable age; and a good hussy is she in the bargain. The only +daughter of Oliver Silverpenny will be a suitable wife for the only +son of Thomas Goldencalf; though I give thee notice, boy, that thou +wilt be cut off with a competency; so keep thy head clear of +extravagant castle-building, learn economy in season, and, above +all, make no debts.' "Anna laughed as I humorously imitated the +well-known intonations of Mr. Speaker Sutton, but a cloud darkened +her bright features when I concluded. + +"Yesterday I mentioned the subject to your father," I resumed, "and +he thought with me that the idea of the borough and the baronetcy +was a good one. 'You would be the second of your line, Jack,' he +said, 'and that is always better than being the first; for there is +no security for a man's being a good member of society like that of +his having presented to his eyes the examples of those who have gone +before him, and who have been distinguished by their services or +their virtues. If your father would consent to come into parliament +and sustain government at this critical moment, his origin would be +overlooked, and you would have pride in looking back on his acts. As +it is, I fear his whole soul is occupied with the unworthy and +debasing passion of mere gain. Money is a necessary auxiliary to +rank, and without rank there can be no order, and without order no +liberty; but when the love of money gets to occupy the place of +respect for descent and past actions, a community loses the very +sentiment on which all its noble exploits are bottomed.' So you see, +dear Anna, that our parents hold very different opinions on a very +grave question, and between natural affection and acquired +veneration I scarcely know which to receive. If I could find one +sweet, and wise, and beautiful as thou, and who could pity me, I +would marry to-morrow, and cast all the future on the happiness that +is to be found with such a companion." + +As usual, Anna heard me in silence. That she did not, however, view +matrimony with exactly the same eyes as myself was clearly proved +the very next day, for young Sir Harry Griffin (the father was dead) +offered in form and was very decidedly refused. + +Although I was always happy at the rectory, I could not help feeling +rather than seeing that, as the French express it, I occupied a +false position in society. Known to be the expectant of great +wealth, it was not easy to be overlooked altogether in a country +whose government is based on a representation of property, and in +which boroughs are openly in market; and yet they who had obtained +the accidental advantage of having their fortunes made by their +grandfathers were constantly convincing me that mine, vast as it was +thought to be, was made by my father. Ten thousand times did I wish +(as it has since been expressed by the great captain of the age), +that I had been my own grandson; for notwithstanding the probability +that he who is nearest to the founder of a fortune is the most +likely to share the largest in its accumulations, as he who is +nearest in descent to the progenitor who has illustrated his race is +the most likely to feel the influence of his character, I was not +long in perceiving that in highly refined and intellectual +communities the public sentiment, as it is connected with the +respect and influence that are the meed of both, directly refutes +the inferences of all reasonable conjectures on the subject. I was +out of my place, uneasy, ashamed, proud, and resentful; in short I +occupied a FALSE POSITION, and unluckily one from which I saw no +plausible retreat except by falling back on Lombard street or by +cutting my throat. Anna alone--kind, gentle, serene-eyed Anna-- +entered into all my joys, sympathized in my mortifications, and +appeared to view me as I was; neither dazzled by my wealth nor +repelled by my origin. The day she refused young Sir Harry Griffin I +could have kneeled at her feet and called her blessed! + +It is said that no moral disease is ever benefited by its study. I +was a living proof of the truth of the opinion that brooding over +one's wrongs or infirmities seldom does much more than aggravate the +evil. I greatly fear it is in the nature of man to depreciate the +advantages he actually enjoys and to exaggerate those which are +denied him. Fifty times during the six months that succeeded the +repulse of the young baronet did I resolve to take heart and to +throw myself at the feet of Anna, and as often was I deterred by the +apprehension that I had nothing to render me worthy of one so +excellent, and especially of one who was the granddaughter of the +seventh English baronet. I do not pretend to explain the connection +between cause and effect, for I am neither physician nor +metaphysician; but the tumult of spirits that resulted from so many +doubts, hopes, fears, resolutions, and breakings of resolutions, +began to affect my health, and I was just about to yield to the +advice of my friends (among whom Anna was the most earnest and the +most sorrowful), to travel, when an unexpected call to attend the +death-bed of my ancestor was received. I tore myself from the +rectory and hurried up to town with the diligence and assiduity of +an only son and heir summoned on an occasion so solemn. + +I found my ancestor still in the possession of his senses, though +given over by the physicians; a circumstance that proved a degree of +disinterestedness and singleness of purpose on their part that was +scarcely to be expected towards a patient who it was commonly +believed was worth more than a million. My reception by the servants +and by the two or three friends who had assembled on this melancholy +occasion, too, was sympathizing, warm, and of a character to show +their solicitude and forethought. + +My reception by the sick man was less marked. The total abstraction +of his faculties in the one great pursuit of his life; a certain +sternness of purpose which is apt to get the ascendant with those +who are resolute to gain, and which usually communicates itself to +the manners; and an absence of those kinder ties that are developed +by the exercise of the more familiar charities of our existence had +opened a breach between us that was not to be filled by the simple +unaided fact of natural affinity. I say of natural affinity, for +notwithstanding the doubts that cast their shadows on that branch of +my genealogical tree by which I was connected with my maternal +grandfather, the title of the king to his crown is not more apparent +than was my direct lineal descent from my father. I always believed +him to be my ancestor de jure as well as de facto, and could fain +have loved him and honored him as such had my natural yearnings been +met with more lively bowels of sympathy on his side. + +Notwithstanding the long and unnatural estrangement that had thus +existed between the father and son, the meeting on the present +occasion was not entirely without some manifestations of feeling. + +"Thou art come at last, Jack," said my ancestor; "I was afraid, boy, +thou might'st be too late." + +The difficult breathing, haggard countenance, and broken utterance +of my father struck me with awe. This was the first death-bed by +which I had ever stood; and the admonishing picture of time passing +into eternity was indelibly stamped on my memory. It was not only a +death-bed scene, but it was a family death-bed scene. I know not how +it was, but I thought my ancestor looked more like the Goldencalfs +than I had ever seen him look before. + +"Thou hast come at last, Jack," he repeated, "and I'm glad of it. +Thou art the only being in whom I have now any concern. It might +have been better, perhaps, had I lived more with my kind--but thou +wilt be the gainer. Ah! Jack, we are but miserable mortals after +all! To be called away so suddenly and so young!" + +My ancestor had seen his seventy-fifth birthday; but unhappily he +had not settled all his accounts with the world, although he had +given the physician his last fee and sent the parson away with a +donation to the poor of the parish that would make even a beggar +merry for a whole life. + +"Thou art come at last, Jack! Well, my loss will be thy gain, boy! +Send the nurse from the room." + +I did as commanded, and we were left to ourselves. + +"Take this key," handing me one from beneath his pillow, "and open +the upper drawer of my secretary. Bring me the packet which is +addressed to thyself." + +I silently obeyed; when my ancestor, first gazing at it with a +sadness that I cannot well describe--for it was neither worldly nor +quite of an ethereal character, but a singular and fearful compound +of both--put the papers into my hand, relinquishing his hold slowly +and with reluctance. + +"Thou wilt wait till I am out of thy sight, Jack?" + +A tear burst from out its source and fell upon the emaciated hand of +my father. He looked at me wistfully, and I felt a slight pressure +that denoted affection. + +"It might have been better, Jack, had we known more of each other. +But Providence made me fatherless, and I have lived childless by my +own folly. Thy mother was a saint, I believe; but I fear I learned +it too late. Well, a blessing often comes at the eleventh hour!" + +As my ancestor now manifested a desire not to be disturbed, I called +the nurse and quitted the room, retiring to my own modest chamber, +where the packet, a large bundle of papers sealed and directed to +myself in the handwriting of the dying man, was carefully secured +under a good lock. I did not meet my father again but once under +circumstances which admitted of intelligible communion. From the +time of our first interview he gradually grew worse, his reason +tottered, and, like the sinful cardinal of Shakespeare, "he died and +gave no sign." + +Three days after my arrival, however, I was left alone with him, and +he suddenly revived from a state approaching to stupor. It was the +only time since the first interview in which he had seemed even to +know me. + +"Thou art come at last!" he said, in a tone that was already +sepulchral. "Canst tell me, boy, why they had golden rods to measure +the city?" His nurse had been reading to him a chapter of the +Revelations which had been selected by himself. "Thou seest, lad, +the wall itself was of jasper and the city was of pure gold--I shall +not need money in my new habitation--ha! it will not be wanted +there!--I am not crazed, Jack--would I had loved gold less and my +kind more. The city itself is of pure gold and the walls of jasper-- +precious abode!--ha! Jack, thou hearest, boy--I am happy--too happy, +Jack!--gold--gold!" + +The final words were uttered with a shout. They were the last that +ever came from the lips of Thomas Goldencalf. The noise brought in +the attendants, who found him dead. I ordered the room to be cleared +as soon as the melancholy truth was fairly established, and remained +several minutes alone with the body. The countenance was set in +death. The eyes, still open, had that revolting glare of frenzied +delight with which the spirit had departed, and the whole face +presented the dread picture of a hopeless end. I knelt and, though a +Protestant, prayed fervently for the soul of the deceased. I then +took my leave of the first and the last of all my ancestors. + +To this scene succeeded the usual period of outward sorrow, the +interment, and the betrayal of the expectations of the survivors. I +observed that the house was much frequented by many who rarely or +never had crossed its threshold during the life of its late owner. +There was much cornering, much talking in an undertone, and looking +at me that I did not understand, and gradually the number of regular +visitors increased until it amounted to about twenty. Among them +were the parson of the parish, the trustees of several notorious +charities, three attorneys, four or five well-known dealers of the +stock exchange, foremost among whom was Sir Joseph Job, and three of +the professionally benevolent, or of those whose sole occupation +appears to be that of quickening the latent charities of their +neighbors. + +The day after my ancestor was finally removed from our sight, the +house was more than usually crowded. The secret conferences +increased both in earnestness and in frequency, and finally I was +summoned to meet these ill-timed guests in the room which had been +the sanctum sanctorum of the late owner of the dwelling. As I +entered among twenty strange faces, wondering why I, who had +hitherto passed through life so little heeded, should be +unseasonably importuned, Sir Joseph Job presented himself as the +spokesman of the party. + +"We have sent for you, Mr. Goldencalf," the knight commenced, +decently wiping his eyes, "because we think that respect for our +late much-esteemed, most excellent, and very respectable friend +requires that we no longer neglect his final pleasure, but that we +should proceed at once to open his will, in order that we may take +prompt measures for its execution. It would have been more regular +had we done this before he was interred, for we cannot have foreseen +his pleasure concerning his venerable remains; but it is fully my +determination to have everything done as he has ordered, even though +we may be compelled to disinter the body." + +I am habitually quiescent, and possibly credulous, but nature has +not denied me a proper spirit. What Sir Joseph Job, or any one but +myself, had to do with the will of my ancestor did not strike me at +first sight; and I took care to express as much, in terms it was not +easy to misunderstand. + +"The only child and, indeed, the only known relative of the +deceased," I said, "I do not well see, gentlemen, how this subject +should interest in this lively manner so many strangers!" + +"Very spirited and proper, no doubt, sir," returned Sir Joseph, +smiling; "but you ought to know, young gentleman, that if there are +such things as heirs there are also such things as executors!" + +This I did know already, and I had also somewhere imbibed an opinion +that the latter was commonly the most lucrative situation. + +"Have you any reason to suppose, Sir Joseph Job, that my late father +has selected you to fulfil this trust?" + +"That will be better known in the end, young gentleman. Your late +father is known to have died rich, very rich--not that he has left +as much by half a million as vulgar report will have it--but what I +should term comfortably off; and it is unreasonable to suppose that +a man of his great caution and prudence should suffer his money to +go to the heir-at-law, that heir being a youth only in his twenty- +third year, ignorant of business, not over-gifted with experience, +and having the propensities of all his years in this ill-behaving +and extravagant age, without certain trusts and provisions which +will leave his hard earnings for some time to come under the care of +men who like himself know the full value of money." + +"No, never!--'tis quite impossible--'tis more than impossible!" +exclaimed the bystanders, all shaking their heads. + +"And the late Mr. Goldencalf, too, intimate with most of the +substantial names on 'Change, and particularly with Sir Joseph Job!" +added another. + +Sir Joseph Job nodded his head, smiled, stroked his chin, and stood +waiting for my reply. + +"Property is in danger, Sir Joseph," I said, ironically; "but it +matters not. If there is a will, it is as much my interest to know +it as it can possibly be yours; and I am quite willing that a search +be made on the spot." + +Sir Joseph looked daggers at me; but being a man of business he took +me at my word, and, receiving the keys I offered, a proper person +was immediately set to work to open the drawers. The search was +continued for four hours without success. Every private drawer was +rummaged, every paper opened, and many a curious glance was cast at +the contents of the latter, in order to get some clew to the +probable amount of the assets of the deceased. Consternation and +uneasiness very evidently increased among most of the spectators as +the fruitless examination proceeded; and when the notary ended, +declaring that no will was to be found, nor any evidence of credits, +every eye was fastened on me as if I were suspected of stealing that +which in the order of nature was likely to be my own without the +necessity of crime. + +"There must be a secret repository of papers somewhere," said Sir +Joseph Job, as if he suspected more than he wished just then to +express; "Mr. Goldencalf is largely a creditor on the public books, +and yet here is not so much as a scrip for a pound!" + +I left the room and soon returned, bringing with me the bundle that +had been committed to me by my father. + +"Here, gentlemen," I said, "is a large packet of papers that were +given to me by the deceased on his death-bed with his own hands. It +is, as you see, sealed with his seal and especially addressed to me +in his own handwriting, and it is not violent to suppose that the +contents concern me only. Still, as you take so great an interest in +the affairs of the deceased, it shall now be opened, and those +contents, so far as you can have any right to know them, shall not +be hid from you." + +I thought Sir Joseph looked grave when he saw the packet and had +examined the handwriting of the envelope. All, however, expressed +their satisfaction that the search was now most probably ended. I +broke the seals and exposed the contents of the envelope. Within it +there were several smaller packets, each sealed with the seal of the +deceased, and each addressed to me in his own handwriting like the +external covering. Each of these smaller packets, too, had a +separate indorsement of its contents. Taking them as they lay, I +read aloud the nature of each before I proceeded to the next. They +were also numbered. + +"No. 1," I commenced. "Certificates of public stock held by Tho. +Goldencalf, June 12th, 1815." We were now at June 29th of the same +year. As I laid aside this packet I observed that the sum indorsed +on its back greatly exceeded a million. "No. 2. Certificates of Bank +of England stock." This sum was several hundred thousands of pounds. +"No. 3. South Sea Annuities." Nearly three hundred thousand pounds. +"No. 4. Bonds and mortgages." Four hundred and thirty thousand +pounds. "No. 5. The bond of Sir Joseph Job for sixty-three thousand +pounds." + +I laid down the paper and involuntarily exclaimed, "Property is in +danger!" Sir Joseph turned pale, but he beckoned to me to proceed, +saying, "We shall soon come to the will, sir." + +"No. 6.--" I hesitated; for it was an assignment to myself, which +from its very nature I perceived was an abortive attempt to escape +the payment of the legacy duty. + +"Well, sir, No. 6?" inquired Sir Joseph, with tremulous exultation. + +"Is an instrument affecting myself, and with which you have no +concern, sir." + +"We shall see, sir, we shall see, sir--if you refuse to exhibit the +paper there are laws to compel you." + +"To do what, Sir Joseph Job? To exhibit to my father's debtors' +papers that are exclusively addressed to me and which can affect me +only? But here is the paper, gentlemen, that you so much desire to +see. 'No. 7. The last will and testament of Tho. Goldencalf, dated +June 17th, 1816.'" (He died June the 24th of the same year.) + +"Ah! the precious instrument!" exclaimed Sir Joseph Job, eagerly +extending his hand as if expecting to receive the will. + +"This paper, as you perceive, gentlemen," I said, holding it up in a +manner that all present might see it, "is especially addressed to +myself, and it shall not quit my hands until I learn that some other +has a better right to it." + +I confess my heart failed me as I broke the seals, for I had seen +but little of my father and I knew that he had been a man of very +peculiar opinions as well as habits. The will was all in his own +handwriting, and it was very short. Summoning courage I read it +aloud in the following words: + +"In the name of God--Amen: I, Tho. Goldencalf, of the parish of Bow, +in the city of London, do publish and declare this instrument to be +my last will and testament: + +"That is to say; I bequeath to my only child and much-beloved son, +John Goldencalf, all my real estate in the parish of Bow and city of +London, aforesaid, to be held in free-simple by him, his heirs, and +assigns, forever. + +"I bequeath to my said only child and much-beloved son, John +Goldencalf, all my personal property of every sort and description +whatever of which I may die possessed, including bonds and +mortgages, public debt, bank stock, notes of hand, goods and +chattels, and all others of my effects, to him, his heirs, or +assigns. + +"I nominate and appoint my said much-beloved son, John Goldencalf, +to be the sole executor of this my last will and testament, +counselling him not to confide in any of those who may profess to +have been my friends; and particularly to turn a deaf ear to all the +pretensions and solicitations of Sir Joseph Job, Knight. In witness +whereof," etc., etc. + +This will was duly executed, and it was witnessed by the nurse, his +confidential clerk, and the housemaid. + +"Property is in danger, Sir Joseph!" I dryly remarked, as I gathered +together the papers in order to secure them. + +"This will may be set aside, gentlemen!" cried the knight in a fury. +"It contains a libel!" + +"And for whose benefit, Sir Joseph?" I quietly inquired. "With or +without the will my title to my father's assets would seem to be +equally valid." + +This was so evidently true that the more prudent retired in silence; +and even Sir Joseph after a short delay, during which he appeared to +be strangely agitated, withdrew. The next week his failure was +announced, in consequence of some extravagant risks on 'Change, and +eventually I received but three shillings and fourpence in the pound +for my bond of sixty-three thousand. + +When the money was paid I could not help exclaiming mentally, +"Property is in danger!" + +The following morning Sir Joseph Job balanced his account with the +world by cutting his throat. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +ABOUT THE SOCIAL-STAKE SYSTEM, THE DANGERS OF CONCENTRATION, AND +OTHER MORAL AND IMMORAL CURIOSITIES. + + +The affairs of my father were almost as easy of settlement as those +of a pauper. In twenty-four hours I was completely master of them, +and found myself if not the richest, certainly one of the richest +subjects of Europe. I say subjects, for sovereigns frequently have a +way of appropriating the effects of others that would render a +pretension to rivalry ridiculous. Debts there were none: and if +there had been, ready money was not wanting; the balance in cash in +my favor at the bank amounted in itself to a fortune. + +The reader may now suppose that I was perfectly happy. Without a +solitary claim on either my time or my estate, I was in the +enjoyment of an income that materially exceeded the revenues of many +reigning princes. I had not an ex-pensive nor a vicious habit of any +sort. Of houses, horses, hounds, packs, and menials, there were none +to vex or perplex me. In every particular save one I was completely +my own master. That one was the near, dear, cherished sentiment that +rendered Anna in my eyes an angel (and truly she was little short of +it in those of other people), and made her the polar star to which +every wish pointed. How gladly would I have paid half a million just +then to be the grandson of a baronet with precedency from the +seventeenth century! + +There was, however, another and a present cause for un-easiness that +gave me even more concern than the fact that my family reached the +dark ages with so much embarrassing facility. In witnessing the +dying agony of my ancestor I had got a dread lesson on the vanity, +the hopeless character, the dangers, and the delusions of wealth +that time can never eradicate. The history of its accumulation was +ever present to mar the pleasure of its possession. I do not mean +that I suspected what by the world's convention is deemed +dishonesty--of that there had been no necessity--but simply that the +heartless and estranged existence, the waste of energies, the +blunted charities, and the isolated and distrustful habits of my +father appeared to me to be but poorly requited by the joyless +ownership of its millions. I would have given largely to be directed +in such a way as while escaping the wastefulness of the shoals of +Scylla I might in my own case steer clear of the miserly rocks of +Charybdis. + +When I drove from between the smoky lines of the London houses into +the green fields and amid the blossoming hedges, this earth looked +beautiful and as if it were made to be loved. I saw in it the +workmanship of a divine and beneficent Creator, and it was not +difficult to persuade myself that he who dwelt in the confusion of a +town in order to transfer gold from the pocket of his neighbor to +his own had mistaken the objects of his being. My poor ancestor who +had never quitted London stood before me with his dying regrets; and +my first resolution was to live in open communion with my kind. So +intense, indeed, did my anxiety to execute this purpose become that +it might have led even to frenzy had not a fortunate circumstance +interposed to save me from so dire a calamity. + +The coach in which I had taken passage (for I purposely avoided the +parade and trouble of post-chaise and servants), passed through a +market town of known loyalty on the eve of a contested election. +This appeal to the intelligence and patriotism of the constituency +had occurred in consequence of the late incumbent having taken +office. The new minister, for he was a member of the cabinet, had +just ended his canvass, and he was about to address his fellow- +subjects from a window of the tavern in which he lodged. Fatigued, +but ready to seek mental relief by any means, I threw myself from +the coach, secured a room, and made one of the multitude. + +The favorite candidate occupied a large balcony surrounded by his +principal friends, among whom it was delightful to see earls, lords +John, baronets, dignitaries of the church, tradesmen of influence in +the borough, and even a mechanic or two, all squeezed together in +the agreeable amalgamation of political affinity. Here then, thought +I, is an example of the heavenly charities I The candidate himself, +the son and heir of a peer, feels that he is truly of the same flesh +and blood as his constituents; how amiably he smiles!--how bland are +his manners!--and with what cordiality does he shake hands with the +greasiest and the worst! There must be a corrective to human pride, +a stimulus to the charities, a never-ending lesson of benevolence in +this part of our excellent system, and I will look farther into it. +The candidate appeared and his harangue commenced. + +Memory would fail me were I to attempt recording the precise +language of the orator, but his opinions and precepts are so deeply +graven on my recollection that I do not fear misrepresenting them. +He commenced with a very proper and eloquent eulogium on the +constitution, which he fearlessly pronounced to be in its way the +very perfection of human reason; in proof of which he adduced the +well-ascertained fact that it had always been known throughout the +vicissitudes and trials of so many centuries to accommodate itself +to circumstances, abhorring change. "Yes, my friends," he exclaimed, +in a burst of patriotic and constitutional fervor, "whether under +the roses or the lilies--the Tudors, the Stuarts, or the illustrious +house of Brunswick, this glorious structure has resisted the storms +of faction, has been able to receive under its sheltering roof the +most opposite elements of domestic strife, affording protection, +warmth, aye, and food and raiment"-(here the orator happily laid his +hand on the shoulder of a butcher, who wore a frieze overcoat that +made him look not unlike a stall-fed beast)--"yes, food and raiment, +victuals and drink, to the meanest subject in the realm. Nor is this +all; it is a constitution peculiarly English: and who is there so +base, so vile, so untrue to himself, to his fathers, to his +descendants, as to turn his back on a constitution that is +thoroughly and inherently English, a constitution that he has +inherited from his ancestors, and which by every obligation both +human and divine he is bound to transmit unchanged to posterity";-- +here the orator, who continued to speak, however, was deafened by +shouts of applause, and that part of the subject might very fairly +be considered as definitively settled. + +From the constitution as a whole the candidate next proceeded to +extol the particular feature of it that was known as the borough of +Householder. According to his account of this portion of the +government, its dwellers were animated by the noblest spirit of +independence, the most rooted determination to uphold the ministry +of which he was the least worthy member, and were distinguished by +what in an ecstasy of political eloquence he happily termed the most +freeborn understanding of its rights and privileges. This loyal and +judicious borough had never been known to waste its favors on those +who had not a stake in the community. It understood that fundamental +principle of good government which lays down the axiom that none +were to be trusted but those who had a visible and an extended +interest in the country; for without these pledges of honesty and +independence what had the elector to expect but bribery and +corruption--a traffic in his dearest rights, and a bargaining that +might destroy the glorious institutions under which he dwelt. This +part of the harangue was listened to in respectful silence, and +shortly after the orator concluded; when the electors dispersed, +with, no doubt, a better opinion of themselves and the constitution +than it had probably been their good fortune to entertain since the +previous election. + +Accident placed me at dinner (the house being crowded) at the same +table with an attorney who had been very active the whole morning +among the Householders, and who I soon learned, from himself, was +the especial agent of the owner of the independent borough in +question. He told me that he had came down with the expectation of +disposing of the whole property to Lord Pledge, the ministerial +candidate named; but the means had not been forthcoming as he had +been led to hope, and the bargain was unluckily broken off at the +very moment when it was of the utmost importance to know to whom the +independent electors rightfully belonged. + +"His lordship, however," continued the attorney, winking, "has done +what is handsome; and there can be no more doubt of his election +than there would be of yours did you happen to own the borough." + +"And is the property now open for sale?" I asked. + +"Certainly-my principal can hold out no longer. The price is +settled, and I have his power of attorney to make the preliminary +bargain. 'Tis a thousand pities that the public mind should be left +in this undecided state on the eve of an election." + +"Then, sir, I will be the purchaser." + +My companion looked at me with astonishment and doubt. He had +transacted too much business of this nature, however, not to feel +his way before he was either off or on. + +"The price of the estate is three hundred and twenty-five thousand +pounds, sir, and the rental is only six!" + +"Be it so. My name is Goldencalf: by accompanying me to town you +shall receive the money." + +"Goldencalf! What, sir, the only son and heir of the late Thomas +Goldencalf of Cheapside?" + +"The same. My father has not been dead a month." + +"Pardon me, sir--convince me of your identity--we must be particular +in matters of this sort--and you shall have possession of the +property in season to secure your own election or that of any of +your friends. I will return Lord Pledge his small advances, and +another time he will know better than to fail of keeping his +promises. What is a borough good for if a nobleman's word is not +sacred? You will find the electors, in particular, every way worthy +of your favor. They are as frank, loyal, and straightforward a +constituency as any in England. No skulking behind the ballot for +them!--and in all respects they are fearless Englishmen who will do +what they say, and say whatever their landlord shall please to +require of them." + +As I had sundry letters and other documents about me, nothing was +easier than to convince the attorney of my identity. He called for +pen and ink; drew out of his pocket the contract that had been +prepared for Lord Pledge; gave it to me to read; filled the blanks; +and affixing his name, called the waiters as witnesses, and +presented me the paper with a promptitude and respect that I found +really delightful. So much, thought I, for having given pledges to +society by the purchase of a borough. I drew on my bankers for three +hundred and twenty-five thousand pounds, and arose from table +virtually the owner of the estate of Householder and of the +political consciences of its tenantry. + +A fact so important could not long be unknown; and in a few minutes +all eyes in the coffee-room were upon me. The landlord presented +himself and begged I would do him the honor to take possession of +his family parlor, there being no other at his disposal. I was +hardly installed before a servant in a handsome livery presented the +following note. + +"DEAR MR. GOLDENCALF: + +"I have this moment heard of your being in town, and am exceedingly +rejoiced to learn it. A long intimacy with your late excellent and +most loyal father justifies my claiming you for a friend, and I +waive all ceremony (official, of course, is meant, there being no +reason for any other between us), and beg to be admitted for half an +hour. + +"Dear Mr. Goldencalf," + +"Yours very faithfully and sincerely," + +"PLEDGE." + +"--GOLDENCALF, Esquire." + +" Monday evening." + +I begged that the noble visitor might not be made to wait a moment. +Lord Pledge met me like an old and intimate friend. He made a +hundred handsome inquiries after my dead ancestor; spoke feelingly +of his regret at not having been summoned to attend his death-bed; +and then very ingenuously and warmly congratulated me on my +succession to so large a property. + +"I hear, too, you have bought this borough, my dear sir. I could not +make it convenient just at this particular moment to conclude my own +arrangement--but it is a good thing. Three hundred and twenty +thousand, I suppose, as was mentioned between me and the other +party?" + +"Three hundred and twenty-five thousand, Lord Pledge." + +I perceived by the countenance of the noble candidate that I had +paid the odd five thousand as a fine--a circumstance which accounted +for the promptitude of the attorney in the transaction, he most +probably pocketing the difference himself. + +"You mean to sit, of course?" + +"I do, my lord, as one of the members, at the next general election; +but at present I shall be most happy to aid your return." + +"My dear Mr. Goldencalf--" + +"Really, without presuming to compliment, Lord Pledge, the noble +sentiments I heard you express this morning were so very proper, so +exceedingly statesmanlike, so truly English, that I shall feel +infinitely more satisfaction in knowing that you fill the vacant +seat than if it were in my own possession." + +"I honor your public spirit, Mr. Goldencalf, and only wish to God +there was more of it in the world. But you can count on our +friendship, sir. What you have just remarked is true, very true, +only too true, true to a hair-a-a-a--I mean, my dear Mr. Goldencalf, +most especially those sentiments of mine which-a-a-a-I say it, +before God, without vanity--but which, as you have so very ably +intimated, are so truly proper and English." + +"I sincerely think so, Lord Pledge, or I should not have said it. I +am peculiarly situated myself. With an immense fortune, without +rank, name, or connections, nothing is easier than for one of my +years to be led astray; and it is my ardent desire to hit upon some +expedient that may connect me properly with society." + +"Marry, my dear young friend--select a wife from among the fair and +virtuous of this happy isle--unluckily I can propose nothing in this +way myself--for both my own sisters are disposed of." + +"I have made choice, already, I thank you a thousand times, my dear +Lord Pledge; although I scarcely dare execute my own wishes. There +are objections--if I were only the child, now, of a baronet's second +son, or--" + +"Become a baronet yourself," once more interrupted my noble friend, +with an evident relief from suspense; for I verily believe he +thought I was about to ask for something better. "Your affair shall +be arranged by the end of the week--and if there is anything else I +can do for you, I beg you to name it without reserve." + +"If I could hear a few more of those remarkable sentiments of yours, +concerning the stake we should all have in society, I think it would +relieve my mind." + +My companion looked at me a moment with a very awkward sort of an +intensity, drew his hand across his brows, reflected, and then +obligingly complied. + +"You attach too much importance, Mr. Goldencalf, to a few certainly +very just but very ill-arranged ideas. That a man without a proper +stake in society is little better than the beasts of the fields, I +hold to be so obvious that it is unnecessary to dwell on the point. +Reason as you will, forward or backward, you arrive at the same +result--he that hath nothing is usually treated by mankind little +better than a dog, and he that is little better than a dog usually +has nothing. Again. What distinguishes the savage from the civilized +man? Why, civilization to be sure. Now, what is civilization? The +arts of life. What feeds, nourishes, sustains the arts of life? +Money or property. By consequence, civilization is property, and +property is civilization. If the control of a country is in the +hands of those who possess the property, the government is a +civilized government; but, on the other hand, if it is in the hands +of those who have no property, the government is necessarily an +uncivilized government. It is quite impossible that any one should +become a safe statesman who does not possess a direct property +interest in society. You know there is not a tyro of our political +sect who does not fully admit the truth of this axiom." + +"Mr. Pitt?" + +"Why, Pitt was certainly an exception in one way; but then, you will +recollect, he was the immediate representative of the tories, who +own most of the property of England." + +"Mr. Fox?" + +"Fox represented the whigs, who own all the rest, you know. No, my +dear Goldencalf, reason as you will, we shall always arrive at the +same results. You will, of course, as you have just said, take one +of the seats yourself at the next general election?" + +"I shall be too proud of being your colleague to hesitate." + +This speech sealed our friendship; for it was a pledge to my noble +acquaintance of his future connection with the borough. He was much +too high-bred to express his thanks in vulgar phrases (though high- +breeding rarely exhibits all its finer qualities pending an +election), but--a man of the world, and one of a class whose main +business it is to put the suaviter in modo, as the French have it en +evidence,--the reader may be sure that when we parted that night I +was in perfect good humor with myself and, as a matter of course, +with my new acquaintance. + +The next day the canvass was renewed, and we had another convincing +speech on the subject of the virtue of "a stake in society"; for +Lord Pledge was tactician enough to attack the citadel, once assured +of its weak point, rather than expend his efforts on the outworks of +the place. That night the attorney arrived from town with the title- +deeds all properly executed (they had been some time in preparation +for Lord Pledge), and the following morning early the tenants were +served with the usual notices, with a handsomely expressed sentiment +on my part in favor of "a stake in society." About noon Lord Pledge +walked over the course, as it is expressed at Newmarket and +Doncaster. After dinner we separated, my noble friend returning to +town, while I pursued my way to the rectory. + +Anna never appeared more fresh, more serene, more elevated above +mortality, than when we met, a week after I had quitted Householder, +in the breakfast-parlor of her father's abode. + +"You are beginning to look like yourself again, Jack," she said, +extending her hand with the simple cordiality of an Englishwoman; +"and I hope we shall find you more rational." + +"Ah, Anna, if I could only presume to throw myself at your feet, and +tell you how much and what I feel, I should be the happiest fellow +in all England." + +"As it is you are the most miserable!" the laughing girl answered +as, crimsoned to the temples, she drew away the hand I was foolishly +pressing against my heart. "Let us go to breakfast, Mr. Goldencalf-- +my father has ridden across the country to visit Dr. Liturgy." + +"Anna," I said, after seating myself and taking a cup of tea from +fingers that were rosy as the morn, "I fear you are the greatest +enemy that I have on earth." + +"John Goldencalf!" exclaimed the startled girl, turning pale and +then flushing violently. "Pray explain yourself." + +"I love you to my heart's core--could marry you, and then, I fear, +worship you, as man never before worshipped woman." + +Anna laughed faintly. + +"And you feel in danger of the sin of idolatry?" she at length +succeeded in saying. + +"No, I am in danger of narrowing my sympathies--of losing a broad +and safe hold of life--of losing my proper stake in society--of--in +short, of becoming as useless to my fellows as my poor, poor father, +and of making an end as miserable. Oh! Anna, could you have +witnessed the hopelessness of that death-bed, you could never wish +me a fate like his!" + +My pen is unequal to convey an adequate idea of the expression with +which Anna regarded me. Wonder, doubt, apprehension, affection, and +anguish were all beaming in her eyes; but the unnatural brightness +of these conflicting sentiments was tempered by a softness that +resembled the pearly lustre of an Italian sky. + +"If I yield to my fondness, Anna, in what will my condition differ +from that of my miserable father's? He concentrated his feelings in +the love of money, and I--yes, I feel it here, I know it is here--I +should love you so intensely as to shut out every generous sentiment +in favor of others. I have a fearful responsibility on my shoulders- +-wealth, gold; gold beyond limits; and to save my very soul I must +extend not narrow my interest in my fellow-creatures. Were there a +hundred such Annas I might press you all to my heart--but, one!--no- +-no--'twould be misery--'twould be perdition! The very excess of +such a passion would render me a heartless miser, unworthy of the +confidence of my fellow-men!" + +The radiant and yet serene eyes of Anna seemed to read my soul; and +when I had done speaking she arose, stole timidly to my side of the +table, as woman approaches when she feels most, placed her velvet- +like hand on my burning forehead, pressed its throbbing pulses +gently to her heart, burst into tears, and fled. + +We dined alone, nor did we meet again until the dinner hour. The +manner of Anna was soothing, gentle, even affectionate; but she +carefully avoided the subject of the morning. As for myself, I was +constantly brooding over the danger of concentrating interests, and +of the excellence of the social-stake system. "Your spirits will be +better, Jack, in a day or two," said Anna, when we had taken wine +after the soup. "Country air and old friends will restore your +freshness and color." + +"If there were a thousand Annas I could be happy as man was never +happy before! But I must not, dare not, lessen my hold on society." + +"All of which proves my insufficiency to render you happy. But here +comes Francis with yesterday morning's paper--let us see what +society is about in London." + +After a few moments of intense occupation with the journal, an +exclamation of pleasure and surprise escaped the sweet girl. On +raising my eyes I saw her gazing (as I fancied) fondly at myself. + +"Read what you have that seems to give you so much pleasure." + +She complied, reading with an eager and tremulous voice the +following paragraph: + +"His majesty has been most graciously pleased to raise John +Goldencalf of Householder Hall, in the county of Dorset, and of +Cheapside, Esquire, to the dignity of a baronet of the united +kingdoms of Great Britain and Ireland." + +"Sir John Goldencalf, I have the honor to drink to your health and +happiness!" cried the delighted girl, brightening like the dawn, and +wetting her pouting lip with liquor less ruby than itself. "Here, +Francis, fill a bumper and drink to the new baronet." + +The gray-headed butler did as ordered with a very good grace, and +then hurried into the servants' hall to communicate the news. + +"Here at least, Jack, is a new hold that society has on you, +whatever hold you may have on society." + +I was pleased because she was pleased, and because it showed that +Lord Pledge had some sense of gratitude (although he afterward took +occasion to intimate that I owed the favor chiefly to HOPE), and I +believe my eyes never expressed more fondness. + +"Lady Goldencalf would not have an awkward sound after all, dearest +Anna." + +"As applied to one, Sir John, it might possibly do; but not as +applied to a hundred." Anna laughed, blushed, burst into tears once +more, and again fled. + +What right have I to trifle with the feelings of this single-hearted +and excellent girl, said I to myself; it is evident that the subject +distresses her--she is unequal to its discussion, and it is unmanly +and improper in me to treat it in this manner. I must be true to my +character as a gentleman and a man--aye, and, under present +circumstances, as a baronet; and--I will never speak of it again as +long as I live. + +The following day I took leave of Dr. Etherington and his daughter, +with the avowed intention of travelling for a year or two. The good +rector gave me much friendly advice, flattered me with expressions +of confidence in my discretion, and, squeezing me warmly by the +hand, begged me to recollect that I had always a home at the +rectory. When I had made my adieus to the father, I went, with a +sorrowful heart, in quest of the daughter. She was still in the +little breakfast-parlor--that parlor so loved! I found her pale, +timid, sensitive, bland, but serene. Little could ever disturb that +heavenly quality in the dear girl; if she laughed, it was with a +restrained and moderated joy; if she wept, it was like rain falling +from a sky that still shone with the lustre of the sun. It was only +when feeling and nature were unutterably big within her, that some +irresistible impulse of her sex betrayed her into emotions like +those I had twice witnessed so lately. + +"You are about to leave us, Jack," she said, holding out her hand +kindly and without the affectation of an indifference she did not +feel; "you will see many strange faces, but you will see none who--" + +I waited for the completion of the sentence, but, although she +struggled hard for self-possession, it was never finished. + +"At my age, Anna, and with my means, it would be unbecoming to +remain at home, when, if I may so express it, 'human nature is +abroad.' I go to quicken my sympathies, to open my heart to my kind, +and to avoid the cruel regrets that tortured the death-bed of my +father." + +"Well--well," interrupted the sobbing girl, "we will talk of it no +more. It is best that you should travel; and so adieu, with a +thousand--nay, millions of good wishes for your happiness and safe +return. You will come back to us, Jack, when tired of other scenes." + +This was said with gentle earnestness and a sincerity so winning +that it came near upsetting all my philosophy; but I could not marry +the whole sex, and to bind down my affections in one would have been +giving the death-blow to the development of that sublime principle +on which I was bent, and which I had already decided was to make me +worthy of my fortune and the ornament of my species. Had I been +offered a kingdom, however, I could not speak. I took the +unresisting girl in my arms, folded her to my heart, pressed a +burning kiss on her cheek, and withdrew. + +"You will come back to us, Jack?" she half whispered, as her hand +was reluctantly drawn through my own. + +Oh! Anna, it was indeed painful to abandon thy frank and gentle +confidence, thy radiant beauty, thy serene affections, and all thy +womanly virtues, in order to practise my newly-discovered theory! +Long did thy presence haunt me--nay, never did it entirely desert +me--putting my constancy to a severe proof, and threatening at each +remove to contract the lengthening chain that still bound me to +thee, thy fireside, and thy altars! But I triumphed, and went abroad +upon the earth with a heart expanding towards all the creatures of +God, though thy image was still enshrined in its inmost core, +shining in womanly glory, pure, radiant, and without spot, like the +floating prism that forms the lustre of the diamond. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +A THEORY OF PALPABLE SUBLIMITY--SOME PRACTICAL IDEAS, AND THE +COMMENCEMENT OF ADVENTURES. + + +The recollection of the intense feelings of that important period of +my life has, in some measure, disturbed the connection of the +narrative, and may possibly have left some little obscurity in the +mind of the reader on the subject of the new sources of happiness +that had broken on my own intelligence. A word here in the way of +elucidation, therefore, may not be misapplied, although it is my +purpose to refer more to my acts, and to the wonderful incidents it +will shortly be my duty to lay before the world, for a just +understanding of my views, than to mere verbal explanations. + +Happiness--happiness, here and hereafter, was my goal. I aimed at a +life of useful and active benevolence, a deathbed of hope and joy, +and an eternity of fruition. With such an object before me, my +thoughts, from the moment that I witnessed the dying regrets of my +father, had been intensely brooding over the means of attainment. +Surprising as, no doubt, it will appear to vulgar minds, I obtained +the clew to this sublime mystery at the late election for the +borough of Householder, and from the lips of my Lord Pledge. Like +other important discoveries, it is very simple when understood, +being easily rendered intelligible to the dullest capacities, as, +indeed, in equity, ought to be the case with every principle that is +so intimately connected with the well-being of man. + +It is a universally admitted truth that happiness is the only +legitimate object of all human associations. The ruled concede a +certain portion of their natural rights for the benefits of peace, +security, and order, with the understanding that they are to enjoy +the remainder as their own proper indefeasible estate. It is true +that there exist in different nations some material differences of +opinion on the subject of the quantities to be bestowed and +retained; but these aberrations from a just medium are no more than +so many caprices of the human judgment, and in no manner do they +affect the principle. I found also that all the wisest and best of +the species, or what is much the same thing, the most responsible, +uniformly maintain that he who has the largest stake in society is, +in the nature of things, the most qualified to administer its +affairs. By a stake in society is meant, agreeable to universal +convention, a multiplication of those interests which occupy us in +our daily concerns--or what is vulgarly called property. This +principle works by exciting us to do right through those heavy +investments of our own which would inevitably suffer were we to do +wrong. The proposition is now clear, nor can the premises readily be +mistaken. Happiness is the aim of society; and property, or a vested +interest in that society, is the best pledge of our +disinterestedness and justice, and the best qualification for its +proper control. It follows as a legitimate corollary that a +multiplication of those interests will increase the stake, and +render us more and more worthy of the trust by elevating us as near +as may be to the pure and ethereal condition of the angels. One of +those happy accidents which sometimes make men emperors and kings, +had made me, perhaps, the richest subject of Europe. With this polar +star of theory shining before my eyes, and with practical means so +ample, it would have been clearly my own fault had I not steered my +bark into the right haven. If he who had the heaviest investments +was the most likely to love his fellows, there could be no great +difficulty for one in my situation to take the lead in philanthropy. +It is true that with superficial observers the instance of my own +immediate ancestor might be supposed to form an exception, or rather +an objection, to the theory. So far from this being the case, +however, it proves the very reverse. My father in a great measure +had concentrated all his investments in the national debt! Now, +beyond all cavil, he loved the funds intensely; grew violent when +they were assailed; cried out for bayonets when the mass declaimed +against taxation; eulogized the gallows when there were menaces of +revolt, and in a hundred other ways prove that "where the treasure +is, there will the heart be also." The instance of my father, +therefore, like all exceptions, only went to prove the excellence of +the rule. He had merely fallen into the error of contraction, when +the only safe course was that of expansion. I resolved to expand; to +do that which probably no political economist had ever yet thought +of doing--in short, to carry out the principle of the social stake +in such a way as should cause me to love all things, and +consequently to become worthy of being intrusted with the care of +all things. + +On reaching town my earliest visit was one of thanks to my Lord +Pledge. At first I had felt some doubts whether the baronetcy would +or would not aid the system of philanthropy; for by raising me above +a large portion of my kind, it was in so much at least a removal +from philanthropical sympathies; but by the time the patent was +received and the fees were paid, I found that it might fairly be +considered a pecuniary investment, and that it was consequently +brought within the rule I had prescribed for my own government. + +The next thing was to employ suitable agents to aid in making the +purchases that were necessary to attach me to mankind. A month was +diligently occupied in this way. As ready money was not wanting, and +I was not very particular on the subject of prices, at the end of +that time I began to have certain incipient sentiments which went to +prove the triumphant success of the experiment. In other words I +owned much, and was beginning to take a lively interest in all I +owned. + +I made purchases of estates in England, Scotland, Ireland, and +Wales. This division of real property was meant to equalize my +sentiments justly between the different portions of my native +country. Not satisfied with this, however, I extended the system to +the colonies. I had East India shares, a running ship, Canada land, +a plantation in Jamaica, sheep at the Cape and at New South Wales, +an indigo concern at Bengal, an establishment for the collection of +antiques in the Ionian Isles, and a connection with a shipping house +for the general supply of our various dependencies with beer, bacon, +cheese, broadcloths, and ironmongery. From the British empire my +interests were soon extended into other countries. On the Garonne +and Xeres I bought vineyards. In Germany I took some shares in +different salt and coal mines; the same in South America in the +precious metals; in Russia I dipped deeply into tallow; in +Switzerland I set up an extensive manufactory of watches, and bought +all the horses for a voiturier on a large scale. I had silkworms in +Lombardy, olives and hats in Tuscany, a bath in Lucca, and a +maccaroni establishment at Naples. To Sicily I sent funds for the +purchase of wheat, and at Rome I kept a connoisseur to conduct a +general agency in the supply of British articles, such as mustard, +porter, pickles, and corned beef, as well as for the forwarding of +pictures and statues to the lovers of the arts and of VIRTU. + +By the time all this was effected I found my hands full of business. +Method, suitable agents, and a resolution to succeed smoothed the +way, however, and I began to look about me and to take breath. By +way of relaxation I now descended into details; and for a few days I +frequented the meetings of those who are called "the Saints," in +order to see if something might be done towards the attainment of my +object through their instrumentality. I cannot say that this +experiment met with all the success I had anticipated. I heard a +great deal of subtle discussion, found that manner was of more +account than matter, and had unreasonable and ceaseless appeals to +my pocket. So near a view of charity had a tendency to expose its +blemishes, as the brilliancy of the sun is known to exhibit defects +on the face of beauty, which escape the eye when seen through the +medium of that artificial light for which they are best adapted; and +I soon contented myself with sending my contributions at proper +intervals, keeping aloof in person. This experiment gave me occasion +to perceive that human virtues, like little candles, shine best in +the dark, and that their radiance is chiefly owing to the atmosphere +of a "naughty world." From speculating I returned to facts. + +The question of slavery had agitated the benevolent for some years, +and finding a singular apathy in ray own bosom on this important +subject, I bought five hundred of each sex to stimulate my +sympathies. This led me nearer to the United States of America, a +country that I had endeavored to blot out of my recollection; for +while thus encouraging a love for the species, I had scarcely +thought it necessary to go so far from home. As no rule exists +without an exception, I confess I was a good deal disposed to +believe that a Yankee might very fairly be an omission in an +Englishman's philanthropy. But "in for a penny in for a pound." The +negroes led me to the banks of the Mississippi, where I was soon the +owner of both a sugar and a cotton plantation. In addition to these +purchases I took shares in divers South-Seamen, owned a coral and +pearl fishery of my own, and sent an agent with a proposition to +King Tamamamaah to create a monopoly of sandalwood in our joint +behalf. + +The earth and all it contained assumed new glories in my eyes. I had +fulfilled the essential condition of the political economists, the +jurists, the constitution-mongers, and all the "talents and +decency," and had stakes in half the societies of the world. I was +fit to govern, I was fit to advise, to dictate to most of the people +of Christendom; for I had taken a direct interest in their welfares +by making them my own. Twenty times was I about to jump into a post- +chaise, and to gallop down to the rectory in order to lay my newborn +alliance with the species, and all its attendant felicity, at the +feet of Anna, but the terrible thought of monogamy, and of its +sympathy-withering consequences, as often stayed my course. I wrote +to her weekly, however, making her the participator of a portion of +my happiness, though I never had the satisfaction of receiving a +single line in reply. + +Fairly emancipated from selfishness, and pledged to the species, I +now quitted England on a tour of philanthropical inspection. I shall +not weary the reader with an account of my journeys over the beaten +tracks of the continent, but transport him and myself at once to +Paris, in which city I arrived on the 17th of May, Anno Domini +1819. I had seen much, fancied myself improved, and, by constant +dwelling on my system, saw its excellences as plainly as Napoleon +saw the celebrated star which defied the duller vision of his uncle +the cardinal. At the same time, as usually happens with those who +direct all their energies to a given point, the opinions originally +formed of certain portions of my theory began to undergo mutations, +as nearer and more practical views pointed out inconsistencies and +exposed defects. As regards Anna in particular, the quiet, gentle, +unobtrusive, and yet distinct picture of womanly loveliness that was +rarely absent from my mind, had for the past twelvemonth haunted me +with a constancy of argument that might have unsettled the Newtonian +scheme of philosophy itself. I already more than questioned whether +the benefit to be derived from the support of one so affectionate +and true would not fully counterbalance the disadvantage of a +concentration of interest, so far as the sex was concerned. This +growing opinion was fast getting to be conviction, when I +encountered on the boulevards one day an old country neighbor of the +rector's, who gave me the best account of the family, adding, after +descanting on the beauty and excellence of Anna herself, that the +dear girl had quite lately actually refused a peer of the realm, who +enjoyed all the acknowledged advantages of youth, riches, birth, +rank, and a good name, and who had selected her from a deep +conviction of her worth, and of her ability to make any sensible man +happy. As to my own power over the heart of Anna I never entertained +a doubt. She had betrayed it in a thousand ways and on a hundred +occasions; nor had I been at all backward in letting her understand +how highly I valued her dear self, although I had never yet screwed +up my resolution so high as distinctly to propose for her hand. But +all my unsettled purposes became concentrated on hearing this +welcome intelligence; and, taking an abrupt leave of my old +acquaintance, I hurried home and wrote the following letter: + +Dear--very dear, nay--dearest ANNA: + +"I met your old neighbor--this morning on the boulevards, and during +an interview of an hour we did little else but talk of thee. +Although it has been my most ardent and most predominant wish to +open my heart to the whole species, yet, Anna, I fear I have loved +thee alone! Absence, so far from expanding, appears to contract my +affections, too many of which centre in thy sweet form and excellent +virtues. The remedy I proposed is insufficient, and I begin to think +that matrimony alone can leave me master of sufficient freedom of +thought and action to turn the attention I ought to the rest of the +human race. Thou hast been with me in idea in the four corners of +the earth, by sea and by land, in dangers and in safety, in all +seasons, regions, and situations, and there is no sufficient reason +why those who are ever present in the spirit should be materially +separated. Thou hast only to say a word, to whisper a hope, to +breathe a wish, and I will throw myself a repentant truant at thy +feet and implore thy pity. When united, however, we will not lose +ourselves in the sordid and narrow paths of selfishness, but come +forth again in company to acquire a new and still more powerful hold +on this beautiful creation, of which, by this act, I acknowledge +thee to be the most divine portion. + +"Dearest, dearest Anna, thine and the species', + +"Forever, + +"JOHN GOLDENCALF. + +"TO MISS ETHERINGTON." + +If there was ever a happy fellow on earth it was myself when this +letter was written, sealed, and fairly despatched. The die was cast, +and I walked into the air a regenerated and an elastic being! Let +what might happen, I was sure of Anna. Her gentleness would calm my +irritability; her prudence temper my energies; her bland but +enduring affections soothe my soul. I felt at peace with all around +me, myself included, and I found a sweet assurance of the wisdom of +the step I had just taken in the expanding sentiment. If such were +my sensations now that every thought centred in Anna, what would +they not become when these personal transports were cooled by habit, +and nature was left to the action of the ordinary impulses! I began +to doubt of the infallibility of that part of my system which had +given me so much pain, and to incline to the new doctrine that by +concentration on particular parts we come most to love the whole. On +examination there was reason to question whether it was not on this +principle even that, as an especial landholder, I attained so great +an interest in my native island; for while I certainly did not own +the whole of Great Britain, I felt that I had a profound respect for +everything in it that was in any, even the most remote manner, +connected with my own particular possessions. + +A week flew by in delightful anticipations. The happiness of this +short but heavenly period became so exciting, so exquisite, that I +was on the point of giving birth to an improvement on my theory (or +rather on the theory of the political economists and constitution- +mongers, for it is in fact theirs and not mine), when the answer of +Anna was received. If anticipation be a state of so much happiness-- +happiness being the great pursuit of man--why not invent a purely +probationary condition of society?--why not change its elementary +features from positive to anticipating interests, which would give +more zest to life, and bestow felicity unimpaired by the dross of +realities? I had determined to carry out this principle in practice +by an experiment, and left the hotel to order an agent to advertise, +and to enter into a treaty or two, for some new investments (without +the smallest intention of bringing them to a conclusion), when the +porter delivered me the ardently expected letter. I never knew what +would be the effect of taking a stake in society by anticipation, +therefore; the contents of Anna's missive driving every subject that +was not immediately connected with the dear writer, and with sad +realities, completely out of my head. It is not improbable, however, +that the new theory would have proved to be faulty, for I have often +had occasion to remark that heirs (in remainder, for instance), +manifest an hostility to the estate, by carrying out the principle +of anticipation, rather than any of that prudent respect for social +consequences to which the legislator looks with so much anxiety. + +The letter of Anna was in the following words: + +"Good--nay, Dear JOHN: + +"Thy letter was put into my hands yesterday. This is the fifth +answer I have commenced, and you will therefore see that I do not +write without reflection. I know thy excellent heart, John, better +than it is known to thyself. It has either led thee to the discovery +of a secret of the last importance to thy fellow-creatures, or it +has led thee cruelly astray. An experiment so noble and so +praiseworthy ought not to be abandoned on account of a few momentary +misgivings concerning the result. Do not stay thy eagle flight at +the instant thou art soaring so near the sun! Should we both judge +it for our mutual happiness, I can become thy wife at a future day. +We are still young, and there is no urgency for an immediate union. +In the mean time, I will endeavor to prepare myself to be the +companion of a philanthropist by practising on thy theory, and, by +expanding my own affections, render myself worthy to be the wife of +one who has so large a stake in society, and who loves so many and +so truly. + +"Thine imitator and friend, + +"Without change, + +"ANNA ETHERINGTON. + +"To Sir JOHN GOLDENCALF, Bart. + +"P.S.--You may perceive that I am in a state of improvement, for I +have just refused the hand of Lord M'Dee, because I found I loved +all his neighbors quite as well as I loved the young peer himself." + +Ten thousand furies took possession of my soul, in the shape of so +many demons of jealousy. Anna expanding her affections! Anna taking +any other stake in society than that I made sure she would accept +through me! Anna teaching herself to love more than one, and that +one myself! The thought was madness. I did not believe in the +sincerity of her refusal of Lord M'Dee. I ran for a copy of the +Peerage (for since my own elevation in life I regularly bought both +that work and the Baronetage), and turned to the page that contained +his name. He was a Scottish viscount who had just been created a +baron of the united kingdom, and his age was precisely that of my +own. Here was a rival to excite distrust. By a singular +contradiction in sentiments, the more I dreaded his power to injure +me, the more I undervalued his means. While I fancied Anna was +merely playing with me, and had in secret made up her mind to be a +peeress, I had no doubt that the subject of her choice was both ill- +favored and awkward, and had cheek-bones like a Tartar. While +reading of the great antiquity of his family (which reached +obscurity in the thirteenth century), I set it down as established +that the first of his unknown predecessors was a bare-legged thief, +and, at the very moment that I imagined Anna was smiling on him, and +retracting her coquettish denial, I could have sworn that he spoke +with an unintelligible border accent, and that he had red hair! + +The torment of such pictures grew to be intolerable, and I rushed +into the open air for relief. How long or whither I wandered I know +not; but on the morning of the following day I found I was seated in +a guinguette near the base of Montmartre, eagerly devouring a roll +and refreshing myself with sour wine. When a little recovered from +the shock of discovering myself in a situation so novel (for having +no investment in guinguettes, I had not taken sufficient interest in +these popular establishments ever to enter one before), I had +leisure to look about and survey the company. Some fifty Frenchmen +of the laboring classes were drinking on every side, and talking +with a vehemence of gesticulation and a clamor that completely +annihilated thought. This then, thought I, is a scene of popular +happiness. These creatures are excellent fellows, enjoying +themselves on liquor that has not paid the city duty, and perhaps I +may seize upon some point that favors my system among spirits so +frank and clamorous. Doubtless if any one among them is in +possession of any important social secret it will not fail to escape +him here. From meditations of this philosophical character I was +suddenly aroused by a violent blow before me, accompanied with an +exclamation in very tolerable English of the word, + +"King!" + +On the centre of the board which did the office of a table, and +directly beneath my eyes, lay a clenched fist of fearful dimensions, +that in color and protuberances bore a good deal of resemblance to a +freshly unearthed Jerusalem artichoke. Its sinews seemed to be +cracking with tension, and the whole knob was so expressive of +intense pugnacity that my eyes involuntarily sought its owner's +face. I had unconsciously taken my seat directly opposite a man +whose stature was nearly double that of the compact, bustling +sputtering, and sturdy little fellows who were bawling on every side +of us, and whose skinny lips, instead of joining in the noise, were +so firmly compressed as to render the crevice of the mouth no more +strongly marked than a wrinkle in the brow of a man of sixty. His +complexion was naturally fair, but exposure had tanned the skin of +his face to the color of the crackle of a roasted pig; those parts +which a painter would be apt to term the "high lights" being +indicated by touches of red, nearly as bright as fourth-proof +brandy. His eyes were small, stern, fiery, and very gray; and just +at the instant they met my admiring look they resembled two stray +coals that by some means had got separated from the body of adjacent +heat in the face. He had a prominent, well-shaped nose, athwart +which the skin was stretched like leather in the process of being +rubbed down on the currier's bench, and his ropy black hair was +carefully smoothed over his temples and brows, in a way to show that +he was abroad on a holiday excursion. + +When our eyes met, this singular-looking being gave me a nod of +friendly recognition, for no better reason that I could discover +than the fact that I did not appear to be a Frenchman. "Did mortal +man ever listen to such fools, captain?" he observed, as if certain +we must think alike on the subject. + +"Really I did not attend to what was said; there certainly is much +noise." + +"I don't pretend to understand a word of what they are saying +myself; but it SOUNDS like thorough nonsense." + +"My ear is not yet sufficiently acute to distinguish sense from +nonsense by mere intonation and sound--but it would seem, sir, that +you speak English only." + +"Therein you are mistaken; for, being a great traveller, I have been +compelled to look about me, and as a nat'ral consequence I speak a +little of all languages. I do not say that I use the foreign parts +of speech always fundamentally, but then I worry through an idee so +as to make it legible and of use, especially in the way of eating +and drinking. As to French, now, I can say 'don-nez-me some van,' +and 'don-nez-vous some pan,' as well as the best of them; but when +there are a dozen throats bawling at once, as is the case with these +here chaps, why one might as well go on the top of Ape's Hill and +hold a conversation with the people he will meet with there, as to +pretend to hold a rational or a discussional discourse. For my part, +where there is to be a conversation, I like every one to have his +turn, keeping up the talk, as it might be, watch and watch; but +among these Frenchmen it is pretty much as if their idees had been +caged, and the door being suddenly opened, they fly out in a flock, +just for the pleasure of saying they are at liberty." + +I now perceived that my companion was a reflecting being, his +ratiocination being connected by regular links, and that he did not +boost his philosophy on the leaping-staff of impulse, like most of +those who were sputtering, and arguing, and wrangling, with untiring +lungs, in all corners of the guinguette. I frankly proposed, +therefore, that we should quit the place and walk into the road, +where our discourse would be less disturbed, and consequently more +satisfactory. The proposal was well received, and we left the +brawlers, walking by the outer boulevards towards my hotel in the +Rue de Rivoli, by the way of the Champs Elysees. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +TOUCHING AN AMPHIBIOUS ANIMAL, A SPECIAL INTRODUCTION, AND ITS +CONSEQUENCES. + + +I soon took an interest in my new acquaintance. He was +communicative, shrewd, and peculiar; and though apt to express +himself quaintly, it was always with the pith of one who had seen a +great deal of at least one portion of his fellow-creatures. The +conversation, under such circumstances, did not flag; on the +contrary, it soon grew more interesting by the stranger's beginning +to touch on his private interests. He told me that he was a mariner +who had been cast ashore by one of the accidents of his calling, +and, by way of cutting in a word in his own favor, he gave me to +understand that he had seen a great deal, more especially of that +castle of his fellow-creatures who like himself live by frequenting +the mighty deep. + +"I am very happy," I said, "to have met with a stranger who can give +me information touching an entire class of human beings with whom I +have as yet had but little communion. In order that we may improve +the occasion to the utmost, I propose that we introduce ourselves to +each other at once, and swear an eternal friendship, or, at least, +until we may find it convenient to dispense with the obligation." + +"For my part, I am one who likes the friendship of a dog better than +his enmity," returned my companion, with a singleness of purpose +that left him no disposition to waste his breath in idle +compliments. "I accept the offer, therefore, with all my heart; and +this the more readily because you are the only one I have met for a +week who can ask me how I do without saying, 'Come on, cong portez- +vous.' Being used to meet with squalls, however, I shall accept your +offer under the last condition named." + +I liked the stranger's caution. It denoted a proper care of +character, and furnished a proof of responsibility. The condition +was therefore accepted on my part as frankly as it had been urged on +his. + +"And now, sir," I added, when we had shaken each other very +cordially by the hand, "may I presume to ask your name?" + +"I am called Noah, and I don't care who knows it. I am not ashamed +of either of my names, whatever else I may be ashamed of." + +"Noah--?" + +"Poke, at your service." He pronounced the word slowly and very +distinctly, as if what he had just said of his self-confidence were +true. As I had afterward occasion to take his signature, I shall at +once give it in the proper form--"Capt. Noah Poke." + +"Of what part of England are you a native, Mr. Poke?" + +"I believe I may say of the new parts." + +"I do not know that any portion of the island was so designated. +Will you have the good-nature to explain yourself?" + +"I'm a native of Stunin'tun, in the State of Connecticut, in old New +England. My parents being dead, I was sent to sea a four-year-old, +and here I am, walking about the kingdom of France without a cent in +my pocket, a shipwrecked mariner. Hard as my lot is, to say the +truth, I'd about as leave starve as live by speaking their d--d +lingo." + +"Shipwrecked--a mariner--starving--and a Yankee!" + +"All that, and maybe more, too; though, by your leave, commodore, +we'll drop the last title. I'm proud enough to call myself a Yankee, +but my back is apt to get up when I hear an Englishman use the word. +We are yet friends, and it may be well enough to continue so until +some good comes of it to one or other of the parties." + +"I ask your pardon, Mr. Poke, and will not offend again. Have you +circumnavigated the globe?" + +Captain Poke snapped his fingers, in pure contempt of the simplicity +of the question. + +"Has the moon ever sailed round the 'arth! Look here, a moment, +commodore"--he took from his pocket an apple, of which he had been +munching half a-dozen during the walk, and held it up to view--"draw +your lines which way you will on this sphere; crosswise or +lengthwise, up or down, zigzag or parpendic'lar, and you will not +find more traverses than I've worked about the old ball!" + +"By land as well as by sea?" + +"Why, as to the land, I've had my share of that, too; for it has +been my hard fortune to run upon it, when a softer bed would have +given a more quiet nap. This is just the present difficulty with me, +for I am now tacking about among these Frenchmen in order to get +afloat again, like an alligator floundering in the mud. I lost my +schooner on the northeast coast of Russia--somewhere hereabouts," +pointing to the precise spot on the apple; "we were up there trading +in skins-and finding no means of reaching home by the road I'd come, +and smelling salt water down hereaway, I've been shaping my course +westward for the last eighteen months, steering as near as might be +directly athwart Europe and Asia; and here I am at last within two +days' run of Havre, which is, if I can get good Yankee planks +beneath me once more, within some eighteen or twenty days' run of +home." + +"You allow me, then, to call the planks Yankee?" + +"Call 'em what you please, commodore; though I should prefar to call +'em the 'Debby and Dolly of Stunin'tun,' to anything else, for that +was the name of the craft I lost. Well, the best of us are but +frail, and the longest-winded man is no dolphin to swim with his +head under water!" + +"Pray, Mr. Poke, permit me to ask where you learned to speak the +English language with so much purity?" + +"Stunin'tun--I never had a mouthful of schooling but what I got at +home. It's all homespun. I make no boast of scholarship; but as for +navigating, or for finding my way about the 'arth, I'll turn my back +on no man, unless it be to leave him behind. Now we have people with +us that think a great deal of their geometry and astronomies, but I +hold to no such slender threads. My way is, when there is occasion +to go anywhere, to settle it well in my mind as to the place, and +then to make as straight a wake as natur' will allow, taking little +account of charts, which are as apt to put you wrong as right; and +when they do get you into a scrape it's a smasher! Depend on +yourself and human natur', is my rule; though I admit there is some +accommodation in a compass, particularly in cold weather." + +"Cold weather! I do not well comprehend the distinction." + +"Why, I rather conclude that one's scent gets to be dullish in a +frost; but this may be no more than a conceit after all, for the two +times I've been wrecked were in summer, and both the accidents +happened by sheer dint of hard blowing, and in broad daylight, when +nothing human short of a change of wind could have saved us." + +"And you prefer this peculiar sort of navigation?" + +"To all others, especially in the sealing business, which is my raal +occupation. It's the very best way in the world to discover islands; +and everybody knows that we sealers are always on the lookout for +su'thin' of that sort." + +"Will you suffer me to inquire, Captain Poke, how many times you +have doubled Cape Horn?" + +My navigator threw a quick, jealous glance at me, as if he +distrusted the nature of the question. + +"Why, that is neither here nor there; perhaps I don't double either +of the capes, perhaps I do. I get into the South Sea with my craft, +and it's of no great moment how it's done. A skin is worth just as +much in the market, though the furrier may not happen to have a +glossary of the road it has travelled." + +"A glossary?" + +"What matters a signification, commodore, when people understand +each other? This overland journey has put me to my wits, for you +will understand that I've had to travel among natives that cannot +speak a syllable of the homespun; so I brought the schooner's +dictionary with me as a sort of terrestrial almanac, and I fancied +that, as they spoke gibberish to me, the best way was to give it to +them back again as near as might be in their own coin, hoping I +might hit on su'thin' to their liking. By this means I've come to be +rather more voluble than formerly." + +"The idea was happy." + +"No doubt it was, as is just evinced. But having given you a pretty +clear insight into my natur' and occupation, it is time that I ask a +few questions of you. This is a business, you must know, at which we +do a good deal at Stunin'tun, and at which we are commonly thought +to be handy," + +"Put your questions, Captain Poke; I hope the answers will be +satisfactory." + +"Your name?" + +"John Goldencalf--by the favor of his majesty, Sir John Goldencalf, +Baronet." ' + +"Sir John Goldencalf--by the favor of his majesty, a baronet! Is +baronet a calling? or what sort of a crittur or thing is it?" + +"It is my rank in the kingdom to which I belong." + +"I begin to understand what you mean. Among your nation mankind is +what we call stationed, like a ship's people that are called to go +about; you have a certain berth in that kingdom of yours, much as I +should have in a sealing schooner." + +"Exactly so; and I presume you will allow that order, and propriety, +and safety result from this method among mariners?" + +"No doubt--no doubt, we station anew, however, each v'yage, +according to experience; I'm not so sure that it would do to take +even the cook from father to son, or we might have a pretty mess of +it." + +Here the sealer commenced a series of questions, which he put with a +vigor and perseverance that I fear left me without a single fact of +my life unrevealed, except those connected with the sacred sentiment +that bound me to Anna, and which were far too hallowed to escape me +even under the ordeal of a Stunin'tun inquisitor. In short, finding +that I was nearly helpless in such hands, I made a merit of +necessity, and yielded up my secrets as wood in a vice discharges +its moisture. It was scarcely possible that a mind like mine, +subjected to the action of such a pair of moral screws, should not +yield some hints touching its besetting propensities. The Captain +seized this clew, and he went at the theory like a bulldog at the +muzzle of an ox. + +To oblige him, therefore, I entered at some length into an +explanation of my system. After the general remarks that were +necessary to give a stranger an insight into its leading principles, +I gave him to understand that I had long been looking for one like +him, for a purpose that shall now be explained to the reader. I had +entertained some negotiations with Tamahamaah, and had certain +investments in the pearl and whale fisheries, it is true; but on the +whole my relations with all that portion of mankind who inhabit the +islands of the Pacific, the northwest coast of America, and the +northeast coast of the old continent, were rather loose, and +generally in an unsettled and vague condition; and it appeared to me +that I had been singularly favored in having a man so well adapted +to their regeneration thrown as it were by Providence, and in a +manner so unusual, directly in my way. I now frankly proposed, +therefore, to fit out an expedition, that should be partly of trade +and partly of discovery, in order to expand my interests in this new +direction, and to place my new acquaintance at its head. Ten minutes +of earnest explanation on my part sufficed to put my companion in +possession of the leading features of the plan. When I had ended +this direct appeal to his love of enterprise, I was answered by the +favorite exclamation of-- + +"King!" + +"I do not wonder, Captain Poke, that your admiration breaks out in +this manner; for I believe few men fairly enter into the beauty of +this benevolent system who are not struck equally with its grandeur +and its simplicity. May I count on your assistance?" + +"This is a new idee, Sir Goldencalf--" + +"Sir John Goldencalf, if you please, sir." + +"A new idee, Sir John Goldencalf, and it needs circumspection. +Circumspection in a bargain is the certain way to steer clear of +misunderstandings. You wish a navigator to take your craft, let her +be what she will, into unknown seas, and I wish, naturally, to make +a straight course for Stunin'tun. You see the bargain is in apogee, +from the start." + +"Money is no consideration with me, Captain Poke." + +"Well, this is an idee that has brought many a more difficult +contract at once into perigee, Sir John Goldencalf. Money is always +a considerable consideration with me, and I may say, also, just now +it is rather more so than usual. But when a gentleman clears the way +as handsomely as you have now done, any bargain may be counted as a +good deal more than half made." + +A few explicit explanations disposed of this part of the subject, +and Captain Poke accepted of my terms in the spirit of frankness +with which they were made. Perhaps his decision was quickened by an +offer of twenty Napoleons, which I did not neglect making on the +spot. Amicable and in some respects confidential relations were now +established between my new acquaintance and myself; and we pursued +our walk, discussing the details necessary to the execution of our +project. After an hour or two passed in this manner, I invited my +companion to go to my hotel, meaning that he should partake of my +board until we could both depart for England, where it was my +intention to purchase without delay a vessel for the contemplated +voyage, in which I also had decided to embark in person. + +We were obliged to make our way through the throng that usually +frequents the lower part of the Champs Elysees during the season of +good weather and towards the close of the day. This task was nearly +over when my attention was particularly drawn to a group that was +just entering the place of general resort, apparently with the +design of adding to the scene of thoughtlessness and amusement. But +as I am now approaching the most material part of this extraordinary +work, it will be proper to reserve the opening for a new chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +AN INTRODUCTION TO FOUR NEW CHARACTERS, SOME TOUCHES OF PHILOSOPHY, +AND A FEW CAPITAL THOUGHTS ON POLITICAL ECONOMY. + + +The group which drew my attention was composed of six individuals, +two of which were animals of the genus homo, or what is vulgarly +termed man; and the remainder were of the order primates, and of the +class mammalia; or what in common parlance are called monkeys. + + The first were Savoyards, and may be generally described as being +unwashed, ragged, and carnivorous; in color swarthy; in lineaments +and expression avaricious and shrewd; and in appetites voracious. +The latter were of the common species, of the usual size, and of +approved gravity. There were two of each sex; being very equally +paired as to years and external advantages. + +The monkeys were all habited with more or less of the ordinary +attire of our modern European civilization; but peculiar care had +been taken with the toilet of the senior of the two males. This +individual had on the coat of a hussar, a cut that would have given +a particular part of his body a more military contour than comported +with his real character were it not for a red petticoat that was +made shorter than common; less, however, with a view to show a +pretty foot and ankle than to leave the nether limbs at liberty to +go through with certain extravagant efforts which the Savoyards were +unmercifully exacting from his natural agility. He wore a Spanish +hat, decorated with a few bedraggled feathers, a white cockade, and +a wooden sword. In addition to the latter, he carried in his hand a +small broom. + +Observing that my attention was strongly attracted to this party, +the ill-favored Savoyards immediately commenced a series of +experiments in saltation, with the sole view, beyond a question, to +profit by my curiosity. The inoffensive victims of this act of +brutal tyranny submitted with a patience worthy of the profoundest +philosophy, meeting the wishes of their masters with a readiness and +dexterity that was beyond all praise. One swept the earth, another +leaped on the back of a dog, a third threw himself head-over-heels +again and again without a murmur, and the fourth moved gracefully to +and fro, like a young girl in a quadrille. All this might have +passed without calling for particular remark (since, alas! the +spectacle is only too common), were it not for certain eloquent +appeals that were made to me through the eyes by the individual in +the hussar jacket. His look was rarely averted from my face for a +moment, and in this way a silent communion was soon established +between us. I observed that his gravity was indomitable. Nothing +could elicit a smile or a change of countenance. Obedient to the +whip of his brutal master, he never refused the required leap; for +minutes at a time his legs and petticoat described confused circles +in the air, appearing to have taken a final leave of the earth; but, +the effort ended, he invariably descended to the ground with a quiet +dignity and composure that showed how little the inward monkey +partook of the antics of the outward animal. Drawing my companion a +little aside, I ventured to suggest a few thoughts to him on the +subject. + +"Really, Captain Poke, it appears to me there is great injustice in +the treatment of these poor creatures!" I said. "What right have +these two foul-looking blackguards to seize upon beings much more +interesting to the eye and, I dare say, far more intellectual than +themselves, and cause them to throw their legs about in this +extravagant manner, under the penalty of stripes, and without regard +to their feelings or their convenience? I say, sir, the measure +appears to me intolerably oppressive, and it calls for prompt +redress." + +"King!" + +"King or subject, it does not alter the moral deformity of the act. +What have these innocent beings done that they should be subjected +to this disgrace? Are they not flesh and blood like ourselves--do +they not approach nearer to our form and, for aught we know to the +contrary, to our reason, than any other animal? and is it tolerable +that our nearest imitations, our very cousins, should be thus dealt +by? Are they dogs that they are treated like dogs?" + +"Why, to my notion, Sir John, there isn't a dog on 'arth that can +take such a summerset. Their flapjacks are quite extraor'nary!" + +"Yes, sir, and more than extraordinary; they are oppressive. Place +yourself, Mr. Poke, for a single instant, in the situation of one of +these persons; fancy that you had a hussar jacket squeezed upon your +brawny shoulders, a petticoat placed over your lower extremities, a +Spanish hat with bedraggled feathers set upon your head, a wooden +sword stuck at your side, and a broom put into your hand; and that +these two Savoyards were to menace you with stripes unless you +consented to throw summersets for the amusement of strangers--I only +ask you to make the case your own sir, and then say what course you +would take and what you would do?" + +"I would lick both of these young blackguards, Sir John, without +remorse, break the sword and broom over their heads, kick their +sensibilities till they couldn't see, and take my course for +Stunin'tun, where I belong." + +"Yes, sir, this might do with the Savoyards, who are young and +feeble--" + +"'Twouldn't alter the case much if two of these Frenchmen were in +their places," put in the Captain, glaring wolfishly about him. "To +be plain with you, Sir John Goldencalf, being human, I'd submit to +no such monkey tricks." + +"Do not use the term reproachfully, Mr. Poke, I entreat of you. We +call these animals monkeys, it is true; but we do not know what they +call themselves. Man is merely an animal, and you must very well +know--" + +"Harkee, Sir John," interrupted the Captain, "I'm no botanist, and +do not pretend to more schooling than a sealer has need of for +finding his way about the 'arth; but as for a man's being an animal, +I just wish to ask you, now, if in your judgment a hog is also an +animal?" + +"Beyond a doubt--and fleas, and toads, and sea-serpents, and +lizards, and water-devils--we are all neither more nor less than +animals." + +"Well, if a hog is an animal, I am willing to allow the +relationship; for in the course of my experience, which is not +small, I have met with men that you might have mistaken for hogs, in +everything but the bristles, the snout, and the tail. I'll never +deny what I've seen with my own eyes, though I suffer for it; and +therefore I admit that, hogs being animals, it is more than likely +that some men must be animals too." + +"We call these interesting beings monkeys; but how do we know that +they do not return the compliment, and call us, in their own +particular dialect, something quite as offensive? It would become +our species to manifest a more equitable and philosophical spirit, +and to consider these interesting strangers as an unfortunate family +which has fallen into the hands of brutes, and which is in every way +entitled to our commiseration and our active interference. Hitherto +I have never sufficiently stimulated my sympathies for the animal +world by any investment in quadrupeds; but it is my intention to +write to-morrow to my English agent to purchase a pack of hounds and +a suitable stud of horses; and by way of quickening so laudable a +resolution, I shall forthwith make propositions to the Savoyards for +the speedy emancipation of this family of amiable foreigners. The +slave-trade is an innocent pastime compared to the cruel oppression +that the gentleman in the Spanish hat, in particular, is compelled +to endure." + +"King!" + +"He may be a king, sure enough, in his own country, Captain Poke; a +fact that would add tenfold agony to his unmerited sufferings." + +Hereupon I proceeded without more ado to open a negotiation with the +Savoyards. The judicious application of a few Napoleons soon brought +about a happy understanding between the contracting parties, when +the Savoyards transferred to my hands the strings which confined +their vassals, as the formal and usual acknowledgment of the right +of ownership. Committing the three others to the keeping of Mr. +Poke, I led the individual in the hussar jacket a little on one +side, and raising my hat to show that I was superior to the vulgar +feelings of feudal superiority, I addressed him briefly in the +following words: + +"Although I have ostensibly bought the right which these Savoyards +professed to have in your person and services, I seize an early +occasion to inform you that virtually you are now free. As we are +among a people accustomed to see your race in subjection, however, +it may not be prudent to proclaim the nature of the present +transaction, lest there might be some further conspiracies against +your natural rights. We will retire to my hotel forthwith, +therefore, where your future happiness shall be the subject of our +more mature and of our united deliberations." + +The respectable stranger in the hussar jacket heard me with +inimitable gravity and self-command until, in the warmth of feeling, +I raised an arm in earnest gesticulation, when, most probably +overcome by the emotions of delight that were naturally awakened in +his bosom by this sudden change in his fortune, he threw three +summersets, or flapjacks, as Captain Poke had quaintly designated +his evolutions, in such rapid succession as to render it for a +moment a matter of doubt whether nature had placed his head or his +heels uppermost. + +Making a sign for Captain Poke to follow, I now took my way directly +to the Rue de Rivoli. We were attended by a constantly increasing +crowd until the gate of the hotel was fairly entered; and glad was I +to see my charge safely housed, for there were abundant indications +of another design upon their rights in the taunts and ridicule of +the living mass that rolled up as it were upon our heels. On +reaching my own apartments, a courier who had been waiting my +return, and who had just arrived express from England, put a packet +into my hands, stating that it came from my principal English agent. +Hasty orders were given to attend to the comfort and wants of +Captain Poke and the strangers (orders that were in no danger of +being neglected, since Sir John Goldencalf, with the reputed annual +revenue of three millions of francs, had unlimited credit with all +the inhabitants of the hotel); and I hurried into my cabinet and sat +down to the eager perusal of the different communications. + +Alas! there was not a line from Anna! The obdurate girl still +trifled with my misery; and in revenge I entertained a momentary +resolution of adopting the notions of Mahmoud, in order to qualify +myself to set up a harem. + +The letters were from a variety of correspondents, embracing many of +those who were entrusted with the care of my interests in very +opposite quarters of the world. Half an hour before I had been dying +to open more intimate relations with the interesting strangers; but +my thoughts instantly took a new direction, and I soon found that +the painful sentiments I had entertained touching their welfare and +happiness were quite lost in the newly awakened interests that lay +before me. It is in this simple manner, no doubt, that the system to +which I am a convert effects no small part of its own great +purposes. No sooner does any one interest grow painful by excess +than a new claim arises to divert the thoughts, a new demand is made +on the sensibilities; and by lowering our affections from the +intensity of selfishness to the more bland and equable feeling of +impartiality, forms that just and generous condition of the mind at +which the political economists aim when they dilate on the glories +and advantages of their favorite theory of the social stake. + +In this happy frame of mind I fell to reading the letters with +avidity and with the godlike determination to reverence Providence +and to do justice. Fiat justitia ruat coelum! + +The first epistle was from the agent of the principal West India +estate. He acquainted me with the fact that all hopes from the +expected crop were destroyed by a hurricane, and he begged that I +would furnish the means necessary to carry on the affairs of the +plantation until another season might repair the loss. Priding +myself on punctuality as a man of business, before I broke another +seal a letter was written to a banker in London requesting him to +supply the necessary credits, and to notify the agents in the West +Indies of the circumstance. As he was a member of parliament, I +seized the occasion also to press upon him the necessity of +government's introducing some early measure for the protection of +the sugar-growers, a most meritorious class of his fellow-subjects, +and one whose exposures and actual losses called loudly for relief +of this nature. As I closed the letter I could not help dwelling +with complacency on the zeal and promptitude with which I had acted- +-the certain proof of the usefulness of the theory of investments. + +The second communication was from the manager of an East India +property, that very happily came with its offering to fill the +vacuum left by the failure of the crops just mentioned. Sugar was +likely to be a drug in the peninsula, and my correspondent stated +that the cost of transportation being so much greater than from the +other colonies, this advantage would be entirely lost unless +government did something to restore the East Indian to his natural +equality. I enclosed this letter in one to my Lord Say and Do, who +was in the ministry, asking him in the most laconic and pointed +terms whether it were possible for the empire to prosper when one +portion of it was left in possession of exclusive advantages, to the +prejudice of all the others? As this question was put with a truly +British spirit, I hope it had some tendency to open the eyes of his +majesty's ministers; for much was shortly after said, both in the +journals and in parliament, on the necessity of protecting our East +Indian fellow-subjects, and of doing natural justice by establishing +the national prosperity on the only firm basis, that of free trade. + +The next letter was from the acting partner of a large manufacturing +house to which I had advanced quite half the capital, in order to +enter into a sympathetic communion with the cotton-spinners. The +writer complained heavily of the import duty on the raw material, +made some poignant allusions to the increasing competition on the +continent and in America, and pretty clearly intimated that the lord +of the manor of Householder ought to make himself felt by the +administration in a question of so much magnitude to the nation. On +this hint I spake. I sat down on the spot and wrote a long letter to +my friend Lord Pledge, in which I pointed out to him the danger that +threatened our political economy; that we were imitating the false +theories of the Americans (the countrymen of Captain Poke), that +trade was clearly never so prosperous as when it was the most +successful, that success depended on effort, and effort was the most +efficient when the least encumbered, and in short that as it was +self-evident a man would jump farther without being in foot-irons, +or strike harder without being hand-cuffed, so it was equally +apparent that a merchant would make a better bargain for himself +when he could have things all his own way than when his enterprise +and industry were shackled by the impertinent and selfish +interposition of the interests of others. In conclusion there was an +eloquent description of the demoralizing consequences of smuggling, +and a pungent attack on the tendencies of taxation in general. I +have written and said some good things in my time, as several of my +dependents have sworn to me in a way that even my natural modesty +cannot repudiate; but I shall be excused for the weakness if I now +add that I believe this letter to Lord Pledge contained some as +clever points as anything I remember in their way; the last +paragraph in particular being positively the neatest and the best +turned moral I ever produced. + +Letter fourth was from the steward of the Householder estate. He +spoke of the difficulty of getting the rents; a difficulty that he +imputed altogether to the low price of corn. He said that it would +soon be necessary to relet certain farms; and he feared that the +unthinking cry against the corn-laws would affect the conditions. It +was incumbent on the landed interest to keep an eye on the popular +tendencies as respected this subject, for any material variation +from the present system would lower the rental of all the grain- +growing counties in England thirty per cent, at least at a blow. He +concluded with a very hard rap at the agrarians, a party that was +just coming a little into notice in Great Britain, and by a very +ingenious turn, in which he completely demonstrated that the +protection of the landlord and the support of the Protestant +religion were indissolubly connected. There was also a vigorous +appeal to the common sense of the subject on the danger to be +apprehended by the people from themselves; which he treated in a way +that, a little more expanded, would have made a delightful homily on +the rights of man. + +I believe I meditated on the contents of this letter fully an hour. +Its writer, John Dobbs, was as worthy and upright a fellow as ever +breathed; and I could not but admire the surprising knowledge of men +which shone through every line he had indited. Something must be +done it was clear; and at length I determined to take the bull by +the horns and to address Mr. Huskisson at once, as the shortest way +of coming at the evil. He was the political sponsor for all the new +notions on the subject of our foreign mercantile policy; and by +laying before him in a strong point of view the fatal consequences +of carrying his system to extremes, I hoped something might yet be +done for the owners of real estate, the bones and sinews of the +land. + +I shall just add in this place that Mr. Huskisson sent me a very +polite and a very statesman-like reply, in which he disclaimed any +intention of meddling improperly with British interests in any way; +that taxation was necessary to our system, and of course every +nation was the best judge of its own means and resources; but that +he merely aimed at the establishment of just and generous +principles, by which nations that had no occasion for British +measures should not unhandsomely resort to them; and that certain +external truths should stand, like so many well-constructed tubs, +each on its own bottom. I must say I was pleased with this attention +from a man generally reputed as clever as Mr. Huskisson, and from +that time I became a convert to most of his opinions. + +The next communication that I opened was from the overseer of the +estate in Louisiana, who informed me that the general aspect of +things in that quarter of the world was favorable, but the smallpox +had found its way among the negroes, and the business of the +plantation would immediately require the services of fifteen able- +bodied men, with the usual sprinkling of women and children. He +added that the laws of America prohibited the further importation of +blacks from any country without the limits of the Union, but that +there was a very pretty and profitable internal trade in the +article, and that the supply might be obtained in sufficient season +either from the Carolinas, Virginia, or Maryland. He admitted, +however, that there was some choice between the different stocks of +these several States, and that some discretion might be necessary in +making the selection. The negro of the Carolinas was the most used +to the cotton-field, had less occasion for clothes, and it had been +proved by experiment could be fattened on red herrings; while, on +the other hand, the negro farther north had the highest instinct, +could sometimes reason, and that he had even been known to preach +when he had got as high up as Philadelphia. He much affected, also, +bacon and poultry. Perhaps it might be well to purchase samples of +lots from all the different stocks in market. + +In reply I assented to the latter idea, suggesting the expediency of +getting one or two of the higher castes from the north; I had no +objection to preaching provided they preached work; but I cautioned +the overseer particularly against schismatics. Preaching, in the +abstract, could do no harm; all depending on doctrine. + +This advice was given as the result of much earnest observation. +Those European states that had the most obstinately resisted the +introduction of letters, I had recently had occasion to remark were +changing their systems, and were about to act on the principle of +causing "fire to fight fire." They were fast having recourse to +school-books, using no other precaution than the simple expedient of +writing them themselves. By this ingenious invention poison was +converted into food, and truths of all classes were at once put +above the dangers of disputations and heresies. + +Having disposed of the Louisianian, I very gladly turned to the +opening of the sixth seal. The letter was from the efficient trustee +of a company to whose funds I had largely contributed by way of +making an investment in charity. It had struck me, a short time +previously to quitting home, that interests positive as most of +those I had embarked in had a tendency to render the spirit worldly; +and I saw no other check to such an evil than by seeking for some +association with the saints, in order to set up a balance against +the dangerous propensity. A lucky occasion offered through the wants +of the Philo-African-anti-compulsion-free-labor Society, whose +meritorious efforts were about to cease for the want of the great +charity-power--gold. A draft for five thousand pounds had obtained +me the honor of being advertised as a shareholder and a patron; and, +I know not why!--but it certainly caused me to inquire into the +results with far more interest than I had ever before felt in any +similar institution. Perhaps this benevolent anxiety arose from that +principle in our nature which induces us to look after whatever has +been our own as long as any part of it can be seen. + +The principal trustee of the Philo-African-anti-compulsion-free- +labor Society now wrote to state that some of the speculations which +had gone pari passu with the charity had been successful, and that +the shareholders were, by the fundamental provisions of the +association, entitled to a dividend, but--how often that awkward +word stands between the cup and the lip!--BUT that he was of opinion +the establishment of a new factory near a point where the slavers +most resorted, and where gold-dust and palm-oil were also to be had +in the greatest quantities, and consequently at the lowest prices, +would equally benefit trade and philanthropy; that by a judicious +application of our means these two interests might be made to see- +saw very cleverly, as cause and effect, effect and cause; that the +black man would be spared an incalculable amount of misery, the +white man a grievous burden of sin, and the particular agents of so +manifest a good might quite reasonably calculate on making at the +very least forty per cent. per annum on their money besides having +all their souls saved in the bargain. Of course I assented to a +proposition so reasonable in itself, and which offered benefits so +plausible! + +The next epistle was from the head of a great commercial house in +Spain in which I had taken some shares, and whose interests had been +temporarily deranged by the throes of the people in their efforts to +obtain redress for real or imaginary wrongs. My correspondent showed +a proper indignation on the occasion, and was not sparing in his +language whenever he was called to speak of popular tumults. "What +do the wretches wish?" he asked with much point--"Our lives as well +as our property? Ah! my dear sir, this bitter fact impresses us all +(by us he meant the mercantile interests) with the importance of +strong executives. Where should we have been but for the bayonets of +the king? or what would have become of our altars, our firesides, +and our persons, had it not pleased God to grant us a monarch +indomitable in will, brave in spirit, and quick in action?" I wrote +a proper answer of congratulation and turned to the next epistle, +which was the last of the communications. + +The eighth letter was from the acting head of another commercial +house in New York, United States of America, or the country of +Captain Poke, where it would seem the president by a decided +exercise of his authority had drawn upon himself the execrations of +a large portion of the commercial interests of the country; since +the effect of the measure, right or wrong, as a legitimate +consequence or not, by hook or by crook, had been to render money +scarce. There is no man so keen in his philippics, so acute in +discovering and so prompt in analyzing facts, so animated in his +philosophy, and so eloquent in his complaints, as your debtor when +money unexpectedly gets to be scarce. Credit, comfort, bones, +sinews, marrow and all appear to depend on the result; and it is no +wonder that, under so lively impressions, men who have hitherto been +content to jog on in the regular and quiet habits of barter, should +suddenly start up into logicians, politicians, aye, or even into +magicians. Such had been the case with my present correspondent, who +seemed to know and to care as little in general of the polity of his +own country as if he had never been in it, but who now was ready to +split hairs with a metaphysician, and who could not have written +more complacently of the constitution if he had even read it. My +limits will not allow an insertion of the whole letter, but one or +two of its sentences shall be given. "Is it tolerable, my dear sir," +he went on to say, "that the executive of ANY country, I will not +say merely of our own, should possess, or exercise, even admitting +that he does possess them, such unheard of powers? Our condition is +worse than that of the Mussulmans, who in losing their money usually +lose their heads, and are left in a happy insensibility to their +sufferings: but, alas! there is an end of the much boasted liberty +of America! The executive has swallowed up all the other branches of +the government, and the next thing will be to swallow up us. Our +altars, our firesides, and our persons will shortly be invaded; and +I much fear that my next letter will be received by you long after +all correspondence shall be prohibited, every means of communication +cut off, and we ourselves shall be precluded from writing, by being +chained like beasts of burden to the car of a bloody tyrant." Then +followed as pretty a string of epithets as I remember to have heard +from the mouth of the veriest shrew at Billingsgate. + +I could not but admire the virtue of the "social-stake system," +which kept men so sensibly alive to all their rights, let them live +where they would, or under what form of government, which was so +admirably suited to sustain truth and render us just. In reply I +sent back epithet for epithet, echoed all the groans of my +correspondent, and railed as became a man who was connected with a +losing concern. + +This closed my correspondence for the present, and I arose wearied +with my labors, and yet greatly rejoicing in their fruits. It was +now late, but excitement prevented sleep; and before retiring for +the night I could not help looking in upon my guests. Captain Poke +had gone to a room in another part of the hotel, but the family of +amiable strangers were fast asleep in the antechamber. They had +supped heartily as I was assured, and were now indulging in a happy +but temporary oblivion--to use an improved expression--of all their +wrongs. Satisfied with this state of things, I now sought my own +pillow, or, according to a favorite phrase of Mr. Noah Poke, I also +"turned in." + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +THE COMMENCEMENT OF WONDERS, WHICH ARE THE MORE EXTRAORDINARY ON +ACCOUNT OF THEIR TRUTH. + + +I dare say my head had been on the pillow fully an hour before sleep +closed my eyes. During this time I had abundant occasion to +understand the activity of what are called the "busy thoughts." Mine +were feverish, glowing, and restless. They wandered over a wild +field; one that included Anna, with her beauty, her mild truth, her +womanly softness, and her womanly cruelty; Captain Poke and his +peculiar opinions; the amiable family of quadrupeds and their +wounded sensibilities; the excellences of the social-stake system; +and, in short, most of that which I had seen and heard during the +last four-and-twenty hours. When sleep did tardily arrive, it +overtook me at the very moment that I had inwardly vowed to forget +my heartless mistress, and to devote the remainder of my life to the +promulgation of the doctrine of the expansive-super-human- +generalized-affection-principle, to the utter exclusion of all +narrow and selfish views, and in which I resolved to associate +myself with Mr. Poke, as with one who had seen a great deal of this +earth and its inhabitants, without narrowing down his sympathies in +favor of any one place or person in particular, Stunin'tun and +himself very properly excepted. + +It was broad daylight when I awoke on the following morning. My +spirits were calmed by rest, and my nerves had been soothed by the +balmy freshness of the atmosphere. It appeared that my valet had +entered and admitted the morning air, and then had withdrawn as +usual to await the signal of the bell before he presumed to +reappear. I lay many minutes in delicious repose, enjoying the +periodical return of life and reason, bringing with it the pleasures +of thought and its ten thousand agreeable associations. The +delightful reverie into which I was insensibly dropping was, +however, ere long arrested by low, murmuring, and, as I thought, +plaintive voices at no great distance from my own bed. Seating +myself erect, I listened intently and with a good deal of surprise; +for it was not easy to imagine whence sounds so unusual for that +place and hour could proceed. The discourse was earnest and even +animated; but it was carried on in so low a tone that it would have +been utterly inaudible but for the deep quiet of the hotel. +Occasionally a word reached my ear, and I was completely at fault in +endeavoring to ascertain even the language. That it was in neither +of the five great European tongues I was certain, for all these I +either spoke or read; and there were particular sounds and +inflections that induced me to think that it savored of the most +ancient of the two classics. It is true that the prosody of these +dialects, at the same time that it is a shibboleth of learning, is a +disputed point, the very sounds of the vowels even being a matter of +national convention; the Latin word dux, for instance, being ducks +in England, docks in Italy, and dukes in France: yet there is a 'je +ne sais quoi,' a delicacy in the auricular taste of a true scholar, +that will rarely lead him astray when his ears are greeted with +words that have been used by Demosthenes or Cicero. [Footnote: Or +Chichero, or Kickero, whichever may happen to suit the prejudices of +the reader.] In the present instance I distinctly heard the word my- +bom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-ton, which I made sure was a verb in the dual +number and second person, of a Greek root, but of a signification +that I could not on the instant master, but which beyond a question +every scholar will recognize as having a strong analogy to a well- +known line in Homer. If I was puzzled with the syllables that +accidentally reached me, I was no less perplexed with the +intonations of the voices of the different speakers. While it was +easy to understand they were of the two sexes, they had no direct +affinity to the mumbling sibilations of the English, the vehement +monotony of the French, the gagging sonorousness of the Spaniards, +the noisy melody of the Italians, the ear-splitting octaves of the +Germans, or the undulating, head-over-heels enunciation of the +countrymen of my particular acquaintance Captain Noah Poke. Of all +the living languages of which I had any knowledge, the resemblance +was nearer to the Danish and Swedish than to any other; but I much +doubted at the time I first heard the syllables, and still question, +if there is exactly such a word as my-bom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-ton to be +found in even either of those tongues. I could no longer support the +suspense. The classical and learned doubts that beset me grew +intensely painful; and arising with the greatest caution, in order +not to alarm the speakers, I prepared to put an end to them all by +the simple and natural process of actual observation. + +The voices came from the antechamber, the door of which was slightly +open. Throwing on a dressing-gown, and thrusting my feet into +slippers, I moved on tiptoe to the aperture, and placed my eye in +such a situation as enabled me to command a view of the persons of +those who were still earnestly talking in the adjoining room. All +surprise vanished the moment I found that the four monkeys were +grouped in a corner of the apartment, where they were carrying on a +very animated dialogue, the two oldest of the party (a male and a +female) being the principal speakers. It was not to be expected that +even a graduate of Oxford, although belonging to a sect so +proverbial for classical lore that many of them knew nothing else, +could at the first hearing decide upon the analogies and character +of a tongue that is so little cultivated even in that ancient sea of +learning. Although I had now certainly a direct clew to the root of +the dialect of the speakers, I found it quite impossible to get any +useful acquaintance with the general drift of what was passing among +them. As they were my guests, however, and might possibly be in want +of some of the conveniences that were necessary to their habits, or +might even be suffering under still graver embarrassments, I +conceived it to be a duty to waive the ordinary usages of society, +and at once offer whatever it was in my power to bestow, at the risk +of interrupting concerns that they might possibly wish to consider +private. Using the precaution, therefore, to make a little noise, as +the best means of announcing my approach, the door was gently +opened, and I presented myself to view. At first I was a little at a +loss in what manner to address the strangers; but believing that a +people who spoke a language so difficult of utterance and so rich as +that I had just heard, like those who use dialects derived from the +Slavonian root, were most probably the masters of all others; and +remembering, moreover, that French was a medium of thought among all +polite people, I determined to have recourse to that +tongue. "Messieurs et mesdames," I said, inclining my body in +salutation, "mille pardons four cette intrusion feu convenable"--but +as I am writing in English it may be well to translate the speeches +as I proceed; although I abandon with regret the advantage of going +through them literally, and in the appropriate dialect in which they +were originally spoken. + +"Gentlemen and ladies," I said, inclining my body in salutation, "I +ask a thousand pardons for this inopportune intrusion on your +retirement; but overhearing a few of what I much fear are but too +well-grounded complaints, touching the false position in which you +are placed as the occupant of this apartment, and in that light your +host, I have ventured to approach, with no other desire than the +wish that you would make me the repository of all your griefs, in +order, if possible, that they may be repaired as soon as +circumstances shall in any manner allow." + +The strangers were very naturally a little startled at my unexpected +appearance, and at the substance of what I had just said. I observed +that the two ladies were apparently in some slight degree even +distressed, the younger turning her head on one side in maiden +modesty, while the elder, a duenna sort of looking person, dropped +her eyes to the floor, but succeeded in better maintaining her self- +possession and gravity. The eldest of the two gentlemen approached +me with dignified composure, after a moment of hesitation, and +returning my salute by waving his tail with singular grace and +decorum, he answered as follows. I may as well state in this place +that he spoke the French about as well as an Englishman who has +lived long enough on the continent to fancy he can travel in the +provinces without being detected for a foreigner. Au reste, his +accent was slightly Russian, and his enunciation whistling and +harmonious. The females, especially in some of the lower keys of +their voices, made sounds not unlike the sighing tones of the Eolian +harp. It was really a pleasure to hear them; but I have often had +occasion to remark that, in every country but one, which I do not +care to name, the language when uttered by the softer sex takes new +charms, and is rendered more delightful to the ear. + +"Sir," said the stranger, when he had done waving his tail, "I +should do great injustice to my feelings, and to the monikin +character in general, were I to neglect expressing some small +portion of the gratitude I feel on the present occasion. Destitute, +houseless, insulted wanderers and captives, fortune has at length +shed a ray of happiness on our miserable condition, and hope begins +to shine through the cloud of our distress, like a passing gleam of +the sun. From my very tail, sir, in my own name and in that of this +excellent and most prudent matron, and in those of these two noble +and youthful lovers, I thank you. Yes! honorable and humane being of +the genus homo, species Anglicus, we all return our most tail-felt +acknowledgments of your goodness!" + +Here the whole party gracefully bent the ornaments in question over +their heads, touching their receding foreheads with the several +tips, and bowed. I would have given ten thousand pounds at that +moment to have had a good investment in tails, in order to emulate +their form of courtesy; but naked, shorn, and destitute as I was, +with a feeling of humility I was obliged to put my head a little on +one shoulder and give the ordinary English bob, in return for their +more elaborate politeness. + +"If I were merely to say, sir," I continued, when the opening +salutations were thus properly exchanged, "that I am charmed at this +accidental interview, the word would prove very insufficient to +express my delight. Consider this hotel as your own; its domestics +as your domestics; its stores of condiments as your stores of +condiments, and its nominal tenant as your most humble servant and +friend. I have been greatly shocked at the indignities to which you +have hitherto been exposed, and now promise you liberty, kindness, +and all those attentions to which it is very apparent you are fully +entitled by your birth, breeding, and the delicacy of your +sentiments. I congratulate myself a thousand times for having been +so fortunate as to make your acquaintance. My greatest desire has +always been to stimulate the sympathies; but until to-day various +accidents have confined the cultivation of this heaven-born property +in a great measure to my own species; I now look forward, however, +to a delicious career of new-born interests in the whole of the +animal creation, I need scarcely say in that of quadrupeds of your +family in particular." + +"Whether we belong to the class of quadrupeds or not, is a question +that has a good deal embarrassed our own savans" returned the +stranger. "There is an ambiguity in our physical action that renders +the point a little questionable; and therefore, I think, the higher +castes of our natural philosophers rather prefer classing the entire +monikin species, with all its varieties, as caudae-jactans, or tail- +wavers; adopting the term from the nobler part of the animal +formation. Is not this the better opinion at home, my Lord +Chatterino?" he asked, turning to the youth, who stood respectfully +at his side. + +"Such, I believe, my dear Doctor, was the last classification +sanctioned by the academy," the young noble replied, with a +readiness that proved him to be both well-informed and intelligent, +and at the same time with a reserve of manner that did equal credit +to his modesty and breeding. "The question of whether we are or are +not bipeds has greatly agitated the schools for more than three +centuries." + +"The use of this gentleman's name," I hastily rejoined, "my dear +sir, reminds me that we are but half acquainted with each other. +Permit me to waive ceremony, and to announce myself at once as Sir +John Goldencalf, Baronet, of Householder Hall, in the kingdom of +Great Britain, a poor admirer of excellence wherever it is to be +found, or under whatever form, and a devotee of the system of the +'social-stake.'" + +"I am happy to be admitted to the honor of this formal introduction, +Sir John. In return I beg you will suffer me to say that this young +nobleman is, in our own dialect, No. 6, purple; or, to translate the +appellation, my Lord Chat-terino. This young lady is No. 4, violet, +or, my Lady Chatterissa. This excellent and prudent matron is No. +4,626,243, russet, or, Mistress Vigilance Lynx, to translate her +appellation also into the English tongue; and that I am No. 22,817, +brown-study color, or, Dr. Reasono, to give you a literal +signification of my name--a poor disciple of the philosophers of our +race, an LL.D., and a F.U.D.G.E., the travelling tutor of this heir +of one of the most illustrious and the most ancient houses of the +island of Leaphigh, in the monikin section of mortality." + +"Every syllable, learned Dr. Reasono, that falls from your revered +lips only whets curiosity and adds fuel to the flame of desire, +tempting me to inquire further into your private history, your +future intentions, the polity of your species, and all those +interesting topics that will readily suggest themselves to one of +your quick apprehension and extensive acquirements. I dread being +thought indiscreet, and yet, putting yourself in my position, I +trust you will overlook a wish so natural and so ardent." + +"Apology is unnecessary, Sir John, and nothing would afford me +greater satisfaction than to answer any and every inquiry you may be +disposed to make." + +"Then, sir, to cut short all useless circumlocution, suffer me to +ask at once an explanation of the system of enumeration by which you +indicate individuals? You are called No. 22,817, brown-study color-- +" + +"Or Dr. Reasono. As you are an Englishman, you will perhaps +understand me better if I refer to a recent practice of the new +London police. You may have observed that the men wear letters in +red or white, and numbers on the capes of their coats. By the +letters the passenger can refer to the company of the officer, while +the number indicates the individual. Now, the idea of this +improvement came, I make no doubt, from our system, under which +society is divided into castes, for the sake of harmony and +subordination, and these castes are designated by colors and shades +of colors that are significant of their stations and pursuits--the +individual, as in the new police, being known by the number. Our own +language being exceedingly sententious, is capable of expressing the +most elaborate of these combinations in a very few sounds. I should +add that there is no difference in the manner of distinguishing the +sexes, with the exception that each is numbered apart, and each has +a counterpart color to that of the same caste in the other sex. Thus +purple and violet are both noble, the former being masculine and the +latter feminine, and russet being the counterpart of brown-study +color." + +"And--excuse my natural ardor to know more--and do you bear these +numbers and colors marked on your attire in your own region?" + +"As for attire, Sir John, the monikins are too highly improved, +mentally and physically, to need any. It is known that in all cases +extremes meet. The savage is nearer to nature than the merely +civilized being, and the creature that has passed the mystifications +of a middle state of improvement finds himself again approaching +nearer to the habits, the wishes, and the opinions of our common +mother. As the real gentleman is more simple in manners than the +distant imitator of his deportment; as fashions and habits are +always more exaggerated in provincial towns than in polished +capitals; or as the profound philosopher has less pretensions than +the tyro, so does our common genus, as it draws nearer to the +consummation of its destiny and its highest attainments, learn to +reject the most valued usages of the middle condition, and to return +with ardor towards nature as to a first love. It is on this +principle, sir, that the monikin family never wear clothes." + +"I could not but perceive that the ladies have manifested some +embarrassment ever since I entered--is it possible that their +delicacy has taken the alarm at the state of my toilet?" + +"At the toilet itself, Sir John, rather than at its state, if I must +speak plainly. The female mind, trained as it is with us from +infancy upwards in the habits and usages of nature, is shocked by +any departure from her rules. You will know how to make allowances +for the squeamishness of the sex, for I believe it is much alike in +this particular, let it come from what quarter of the earth it may." + +"I can only excuse the seeming want of politeness by my ignorance, +Dr. Reasono. Before I ask another question the oversight shall be +repaired. I must retire into my own chamber for an instant, +gentlemen and ladies, and I beg you will find such sources of +amusement as first offer until I can return. There are nuts, I +believe, in this closet; sugar is usually kept on that table, and +perhaps the ladies might find some relaxation by exercising +themselves on the chairs. In a single moment I shall be with you +again." + +Hereupon I withdrew into my bed-chamber, and began to lay aside the +dressing-gown as well as my shirt. Remembering, however, that I was +but too liable to colds in the head, I returned to ask Dr. Reasono +to step in where I was for an instant. On mentioning the difficulty, +this excellent person assumed the office of preparing his female +friends to overlook the slight innovation of my still wearing the +nightcap and slippers. + +"The ladies would think nothing of it," the philosopher good- +humoredly remarked, by way of lessening my regrets at having wounded +their sensibilities, "were you even to appear in a military cloak +and Hessian boots, provided it was not thought that you were of +their acquaintance and in their immediate society. I think you must +have often remarked among the sex of your own species, who are +frequently quite indifferent to nudities (their prejudices running +counter to ours) that appear in the streets, but which would cause +them instantly to run out of the room when exhibited in the person +of an acquaintance; these conventional asides being tolerated +everywhere by a judicious concession of punctilios that might +otherwise become insupportable." + +"The distinction is too reasonable to require another word of +explanation, dear sir. Now let us rejoin the ladies, since I am at +length in some degree fit to be seen." + +I was rewarded for this bit of delicate attention by an approving +smile from the lovely Chatterissa, and good Mistress Lynx no longer +kept her eyes riveted on the floor, but bent them on me with looks +of admiration and gratitude. + +"Now that this little contre-temps is no longer an obstacle," I +resumed, "permit me to continue those inquiries which you have +hitherto answered with so much amenity and so satisfactorily. As you +have no clothes, in what manner is the parallel between your usage +and that of the new London police practically completed?" + +"Although we have no clothes, nature, whose laws are never violated +with impunity, but who is as beneficent as she is absolute, has +furnished us with a downy covering to supply their places wherever +clothes are needed for comfort. We have coats that defy fashions, +require no tailors, and never lose their naps. But it would be +inconvenient to be totally clad in this manner; and, therefore, the +palms of the hands are, as you see, ungloved; the portions of the +frame on which we seat ourselves are left uncovered, most probably +lest some inconvenience should arise from taking accidental and +unfavorable positions. This is the part of the monikin frame the +best adapted for receiving paint, and the numbers of which I have +spoken are periodically renewed there, at public offices appointed +for that purpose. Our characters are so minute as to escape the +human eye; but by using that opera-glass, I make no doubt that you +may still see some of my own enregistration, although, alas! unusual +friction, great misery, and, I may say, unmerited wrongs, have +nearly un-monikined me in this, as well as in various other +particulars." + +As Dr. Reasono had the complaisance to turn round, and to use his +tail like the index of a black-board, by aid of the glass I very +distinctly traced the figures to which he alluded. Instead of being +in paint, however, as he had given me reason to anticipate, they +seemed to be branded, or burnt in, indelibly, as we commonly mark +horses, thieves, and negroes. On mentioning the fact to the +philosopher, it was explained with his usual facility and +politeness. + +"You are quite right, sir," he said; "the omission of paint was to +prevent tautology, an offence against the simplicity of the monikin +dialect, as well as against monikin taste, that would have been +sufficient, under our opinions, even to overturn the government." + +"Tautology!" + +"Tautology, Sir John; on examining the background of the picture, +you will perceive that it is already of a dusky, sombre hue; now, +this being of a meditative and grave character, has been denominated +by our academy the 'brown-study color'; and it would clearly have +been supererogatory to lay the same tint upon it. No, sir; we avoid +repetitions even in our prayers, deeming them to be so many proofs +of an illogical and of an anti-consecutive mind." + +"The system is admirable, and I see new beauties at each moment. You +enjoy the advantage, for instance, under this mode of enumeration, +of knowing your acquaintances from behind, quite as well as if you +met them face to face!" + +"The suggestion is ingenious, showing an active and an observant +mind; but it does not quite reach the motive of the politico- +numerical-identity system of which we are speaking. The objects of +this arrangement are altogether of a higher and more useful nature; +nor do we usually recognize our friends by their countenances, which +at the best are no more than so many false signals, but by their +tails." + +"This is admirable! What a facility you possess for recognizing an +acquaintance who may happen to be up a tree! But may I presume to +inquire, Dr. Reasono, what are the most approved of the advantages +of the politico-numerical-identity system? For impatience is +devouring my vitals." + +"They are connected with the interests of government. You know, sir, +that society is established for the purposes of governments, and +governments, themselves, mainly to facilitate contributions and +taxations. Now, by the numerical system, we have every opportunity +of including the whole monikin race in the collections, as they are +periodically checked off by their numbers. The idea was a happy +thought of an eminent statistician of ours, who gained great credit +at court by the invention, and, in fact, who was admitted to the +academy in consequence of its ingenuity." + +"Still it must be admitted, my dear Doctor," put in Lord Chatterino, +always with the modesty, and, perhaps I might add, with the +generosity of youth, "that there are some among us who deny that +society was made for governments, and who maintain that governments +were made for society; or, in other words, for monikins." + +"Mere theorists, my good lord; and their opinions, even if true, are +never practised on. Practice is everything in political matters; and +theories are of no use, except as they confirm practice." + +"Both theory and practice are perfect," I cried, "and I make no +doubt that the classification into colors, or castes, enables the +authorities to commence the imposts with the richest, or the +'purples.'" + +"Sir, monikin prudence never lays the foundation-stone at the +summit; it seeks the base of the edifice; and as contributions are +the walls of society, we commence with the bottom. When you shall +know us better, Sir John Goldencalf, you will begin to comprehend +the beauty and benevolence of the entire monikin economy." + +I now adverted to the frequent use of this word "monikin"; and, +admitting my ignorance, desired an explanation of the term, as well +as a more general insight into the origin, history, hopes, and +polity of the interesting strangers; if they can be so called who +were already so well known to me. Dr. Reasono admitted that the +request was natural and was entitled to respect; but he delicately +suggested the necessity of sustaining the animal function by +nutriment, intimating that the ladies had supped but in an +indifferent way the evening before, and acknowledging that, +philosopher as he was, he should go through the desired explanations +after improving the slight acquaintance he had already made with +certain condiments in one of the armoires, with far more zeal and +point, than could possibly be done in the present state of his +appetite. The suggestion was so very plausible that there was. no +resisting it; and, suppressing my curiosity as well as I could, the +bell was rung. I retired to my bed-chamber to resume so much of my +attire as was necessary to the semi-civilization of man, and then +the necessary orders were given to the domestics, who, by the way, +were suffered to remain under the influence of those ordinary and +vulgar prejudices that are pretty generally entertained by the +human, against the monikin family. + +Previously to separating from my new friend Dr. Reasono, however, I +took him aside, and stated that I had an acquaintance in the hotel, +a person of singular philosophy, after the human fashion, and a +great traveller; and that I desired permission to let him into the +secret of our intended lecture on the monikin economy, and to bring +him with me as an auditor. To this request, No. 22,817, brown-study +color, or Dr. Reasono, gave a very cordial assent; hinting +delicately, at the same time, his expectation that this new auditor, +who, of course, was no other than Captain Noah Poke, would not deem +it disparaging to his manhood, to consult the sensibilities of the +ladies, by appearing in the garments of that only decent and +respectable tailor and draper, nature. To this suggestion I gave a +ready approval; when each went his way, after the usual salutations +of bowing and tail-waving, with a mutual promise of being punctual +to the appointment. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +A GREAT DEAL OF NEGOTIATION, IN WHICH HUMAN SHREWDNESS IS COMPLETELY +SHAMED, AND HUMAN INGENUITY IS SHOWN TO BE OF A VERY SECONDARY +QUALITY. + + +Mr. Poke listened to my account of all that had passed, with a very +sedate gravity. He informed me that he had witnessed so much +ingenuity among the seals, and had known so many brutes that seemed +to have the sagacity of men, and so many men who appeared to have +the stupidity of brutes, that he had no difficulty whatever in +believing every word I told him. He expressed his satisfaction, too, +at the prospect of hearing a lecture on natural philosophy and +political economy from the lips of a monkey; although he took +occasion to intimate that no desire to learn anything lay at the +bottom of his compliance; for, in his country, these matters were +pretty generally studied in the district schools, the very children +who ran about the streets of 'Stunin'tun' usually knowing more than +most of the old people in foreign parts. Still a monkey might have +some new ideas; and for his part, he was willing to hear what every +one had to say; for, if a man didn't put in a word for himself in +this world, he might be certain no one else would take the pains to +speak for him. But when I came to mention the details of the +programme of the forthcoming interview, and stated that it was +expected the audience would wear their own skins, out of respect to +the ladies, I greatly feared that my friend would have so far +excited himself as to go into fits. The rough old sealer swore some +terrible oaths, protesting "that he would not make a monkey of +himself, by appearing in this garb, for all the monikin +philosophers, or high-born females, that could be stowed in a ship's +hold; that he was very liable to take cold; that he once knew a man +who undertook to play beast in this manner, and the first thing the +poor devil knew, he had great claws and a tail sprouting out of him; +a circumstance that he had always attributed to a just judgment for +striving to make himself more than Providence had intended him for; +that, provided a man's ears were naked, he could hear just as well +as if his whole body was naked; that he did not complain of the +monkeys going in their skins, and that they ought, in reason, not to +meddle with his clothes; that he should be scratching himself the +whole time, and thinking what a miserable figure he cut; that he +would have no place to keep his tobacco; that he was apt to be deaf +when he was cold; that he would be d----d if he did any such thing; +that human natur' and monkey natur' were not the same, and it was +not to be expected that men and monkeys should follow exactly the +same fashions; that the meeting would have the appearance of a +boxing match, instead of a philosophical lecture; that he never +heard of such a thing at Stunin'tun; that he should feel sneaking at +seeing his own shins in the presence of ladies; that a ship always +made better weather under some canvas than under bare poles; that he +might possibly be brought to his shirt and pantaloons, but as for +giving up these, he would as soon think of cutting the sheet-anchor +off his bows, with the vessel driving on a lee-shore; that flesh and +blood were flesh and blood, and they liked their comfort; that he +should think the whole time he was about to go in a-swimming, and +should be looking about for a good place to dive"; together with a +great many more similar objections, that have escaped me in the +multitude of things of greater interest which have since occupied my +time. I have frequently had occasion to observe, that, when a man +has one good, solid reason for his decision, it is no easy matter to +shake it; but, that he who has a great many, usually finds them of +far less account in the struggle of opinions. Such proved to be the +fact with Captain Poke on the present occasion. I succeeded in +stripping him of his garments, one by one, until I got him reduced +to the shirt, where, like a stout ship that is easily brought to her +bearings by the breeze, he "stuck and hung" in a manner to manifest +it would require a heavy strain to bring him down any lower. A lucky +thought relieved us all from the dilemma. There were a couple of +good large bison-skins among my effects, and on suggesting to Dr. +Reasono the expediency of encasing Captain Poke in the folds of one +of them, the philosopher cheerfully assented, observing that any +object of a natural and simple formation was agreeable to the +monikin senses; their objections were merely to the deformities of +art, which they deemed to be so many offences against Providence. On +this explanation, I ventured to hint that, being still in the +infancy of the new civilization, it would be very agreeable to my +ancient habits, could I be permitted to use one of the skins, also, +while Mr. Poke occupied the other. Not the slightest objection was +raised to the proposal, and measures were immediately taken to +prepare us to appear in good company. Soon after I received from Dr. +Reasono a protocol of the conditions that were to regulate the +approaching interview. This document was written in Latin, out of +respect to the ancients, and as I afterwards understood, it was +drawn up by my Lord Chatterino, who had been educated for the +diplomatic career at home, previously to the accident which had +thrown him, alas! into human hands. I translate it freely, for the +benefit of the ladies, who usually prefer their own tongues to any +others. + +Protocol of an interview that is to take place between Sir John +Goldencalf, Bart., of Householder Hall, in the kingdom of Great +Britain, and No. 22,817, brown-study color, or Socrates Reasono, +F.U.D.G.E., Professor of Probabilities in the University of +Monikinia, and in the kingdom of Leaphigh: + +The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.: + +ARTICLE 1. That there shall be an interview. + +ART. 2. That the said interview shall be a peaceable interview, and +not a belligerent interview. + +ART. 3. That the said interview shall be logical, explanatory, and +discursory. + +ART. 4. That during said interview, Dr. Reasono shall have the +privilege of speaking most, and Sir John Goldencalf the privilege of +hearing most. + +ART. 5. That Sir John Goldencalf shall have the privilege of asking +questions, and Dr. Reasono the privilege of answering them. + +ART. 6. That a due regard shall be had to both human and monikin +prejudices and sensibilities. + +ART. 7. That Dr. Reasono, and any monikins who may accompany him, +shall smooth their coats, and otherwise dispose of their natural +vestments, in a way that shall be as agreeable as possible to Sir +John Goldencalf and his friend. + +ART. 8. That Sir John Goldencalf, and any man who may accompany him, +shall appear in bison-skins, wearing no other clothing, in order to +render themselves as agreeable as possible to Dr. Reasono and his +friends. + +ART. 9. That the conditions of this protocol shall be respected. + +ART. 10. That any doubtful significations in this protocol shall be +interpreted, as near as may be, in favor of both parties. + +ART. 11. That no precedent shall be established to the prejudice of +either the human or the monikin dialect, by the adoption of the +Latin language on this occasion. + +Delighted with this proof of attention on the part of my Lord +Chatterino, I immediately left a card for that young nobleman, and +then seriously set about preparing myself, with an increased +scrupulousness, for the fulfilment of the smallest condition of the +compact. Captain Poke was soon ready, and I must say that he looked +more like a quadruped on its hind legs, in his new attire, than a +human being. As for my own appearance, I trust it was such as became +my station and character. + +At the appointed time all the parties were assembled, Lord +Chatterino appearing with a copy of the protocol in his hand. This +instrument was formally read, by the young peer, in a very +creditable manner, when a silence ensued, as if to invite comment. I +know not how it is, but I never yet heard the positive stipulations +of any bargain, that I did not feel a propensity to look out for +weak places in them. I had begun to see that the discussion might +lead to argument, argument to comparisons between the two species, +and something like an esprit de corps was stirring within me. It now +struck me that a question might be fairly raised as to the propriety +of Dr. Reasono's appearing with THREE backers, while I had but ONE. +The objection was therefore urged on my part, I hope, in a modest +and conciliatory manner. In reply, my Lord Chatterino observed, it +was true the protocol spoke in general terms of mutual supporters, +but if-- + +"Sir John Goldencalf would be at the trouble of referring to the +instrument itself, he would see that the backers of Dr. Reasono were +mentioned in the plural number, while that of Sir John himself was +alluded to only in the singular number." + +"Perfectly true, my lord; but you will, however, permit me to remark +that two monikins would completely fulfil the conditions in favor of +Dr. Reasono, while he appears here with three; there certainly must +be some limits to this plurality, or the Doctor would have a right +to attend the interview accompanied by all the inhabitants of +Leaphigh." + +"The objection is highly ingenious, and creditable in the last +degree to the diplomatic abilities of Sir John Goldencalf; but, +among monikins, two females are deemed equal to only one male, in +the eye of the law. Thus, in cases which require two witnesses, as +in conveyances of real estate, two male monikins are sufficient, +whereas it would be necessary to have four female signatures, in +order to give the instrument validity. In the legal sense, +therefore, I conceive that Dr. Reasono is attended by only two +monikins." + +Captain Poke hereupon observed that this provision in the law of +Leaphigh was a good one; for he often had occasion to remark that +women, quite half the time, did not know what they were about; and +he thought, in general, that they require more ballast than men. + +"This reply would completely cover the case, my lord," I answered, +"were the protocol purely a monikin document, and this assembly +purely a monikin assembly. But the facts are notoriously otherwise. +The document is drawn up in a common vehicle of thought among +scholars, and I gladly seize the opportunity to add, that I do not +remember to have seen a better specimen of modern latinity." + +"It is undeniable, Sir John," returned Lord Chatterino, waving his +tail in acknowledgment of the compliment, "that the protocol itself +is in a language that has now become common property; but the mere +medium of thought, on such occasions, is of no great moment, +provided it is neutral as respects the contracting parties; +moreover, in this particular case, article 11 of the protocol +contains a stipulation that no legal consequences whatever are to +follow the use of the Latin language; a stipulation that leaves the +contracting parties in possession of their original rights. Now, as +the lecture is to be a monikin lecture, given by a monikin +philosopher, and on monikin grounds, I humbly urge that it is proper +the interview should generally be conducted on monikin principles." + +"If by monikin grounds, is meant monikin ground (which I have a +right to assume, since the greater necessarily includes the less), I +beg leave to remind your lordship, that the parties are, at this +moment, in a neutral country, and that, if either of them can set up +a claim of territorial jurisdiction, or the rights of the flag, +these claims must be admitted to be human, since the locataire of +this apartment is a man, in control of the locus in quo, and pro hac +vice, the suzerain." + +"Your ingenuity has greatly exceeded my construction, Sir John, and +I beg leave to amend my plea. All I mean is, that the leading +consideration in this interview, is a monikin interest--that we are +met to propound, explain, digest, animadvert on, and embellish a +monikin theme--that the accessory must be secondary to the +principal--that the lesser must merge, not in your sense, but in my +sense, in the greater--and, by consequence, that--" + +"You will accord me your pardon, my dear lord, but I hold--" + +"Nay, my good Sir John, I trust to your intelligence to be excused +if I say--" + +"One word, my Lord Chatterino, I pray you, in order that--" + +"A thousand, very cheerfully, Sir John, but--" + +"My Lord Chatterino!" + +"Sir John Goldencalf!" + +Hereupon we both began talking at the same time, the noble young +monikin gradually narrowing down the direction of his observations +to the single person of Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, who, I afterwards had +occasion to know, was an excellent listener; and I, in my turn, +after wandering from eye to eye, settled down into a sort of oration +that was especially addressed to the understanding of Captain Noah +Poke. My auditor contrived to get one ear entirely clear of the +bison's skin, and nodded approbation of what fell from me, with a +proper degree of human and clannish spirit. We might possibly have +harangued in this desultory manner, to the present time, had not the +amiable Chatterissa advanced, and, with the tact and delicacy which +distinguish her sex, by placing her pretty patte on the mouth of the +young nobleman, effectually checked his volubility. When a horse is +running away, he usually comes to a dead stop, after driving through +lanes, and gates, and turnpikes, the moment he finds himself master +of his own movements, in an open field. Thus, in my own case, no +sooner did I find myself in sole possession of the argument, than I +brought it to a close. Dr. Reasono improved the pause, to introduce +a proposition that, the experiment already made by myself and Lord +Chatterino being evidently a failure, he and Mr. Poke should retire +and make an effort to agree upon an entirely new programme of the +proceedings. This happy thought suddenly restored peace; and, while +the two negotiators were absent, I improved the opportunity to +become better acquainted with the lovely Chatterissa and her female +Mentor. Lord Chatterino, who possessed all the graces of diplomacy, +who could turn from a hot and angry discussion, on the instant, to +the most bland and winning courtesy, was foremost in promoting my +wishes, inducing his charming mistress to throw aside the reserve of +a short acquaintance, and to enter, at once, into a free and +friendly discourse. + +Some time elapsed before the plenipotentiaries returned, for it +appears that, owing to a constitutional peculiarity, or, as he +subsequently explained it himself, a "Stunin'tun principle," Captain +Poke conceived he was bound, in a bargain, to dispute every +proposition which came from the other party. This difficulty would +probably have proved insuperable, had not Dr. Reasono luckily +bethought him of a frank and liberal proposal to leave every other +article, without reserve, to the sole dictation of his colleague, +reserving to himself the same privilege for all the rest. Noah, +after being well assured that the philosopher was no lawyer, +assented; and the affair, once begun in this spirit of concession, +was soon brought to a close. And here I would recommend this happy +expedient to all negotiators of knotty and embarrassing treaties, +since it enables each party to gain his point, and probably leaves +as few openings for subsequent disputes, as any other mode that has +yet been adopted. The new instrument ran as follows, it having been +written, in duplicate, in English and in Monikin. It will be seen +that the pertinacity of one of the negotiators gave it very much the +character of a capitulation. + +PROTOCOL of an Interview, &c., &c., &c. + +The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.: + +ARTICLE 1. There shall be an interview. + +ART. 2. Agreed; provided all the parties can come and go at +pleasure. + +ART. 3. The said interview shall be conducted, generally, on +philosophical and liberal principles. + +ART. 4. Agreed; provided tobacco may be used at discretion. + +ART. 5. That either party shall have the privilege of propounding +questions, and either party the privilege of answering them. + +ART. 6. Agreed; provided no one need listen, or no one talk, unless +so disposed. + +ART. 7. The attire of all present shall be conformable to the +abstract rules of propriety and decorum. + +ART. 8. Agreed; provided the bison-skins may be reefed, from time to +time, according to the state of the weather. + +ART. 9. The provisions of this protocol shall be rigidly respected. + +ART. 10. Agreed; provided no advantage be taken by lawyers. + +Lord Chatterino and myself pounced upon the respective documents +like two hawks, eagerly looking for flaws, or the means of +maintaining the opinions we had before advanced, and which we had +both shown so much cleverness in supporting. + +"Why, my lord, there is no provision for the appearance of any +monikins at all at this interview!" + +"The generality of the terms leaves it to be inferred that all may +come and go who may be so disposed." + +"Your pardon, my lord; article 8 contains a direct allusion to +BISON-SKINS in the PLURAL, and under circumstances from which it +follows, by a just deduction, that it was contemplated that more +than ONE wearer of the said skins should be present at the said +interview." + +"Perfectly just, Sir John; but you will suffer me to observe that by +article 1, it is conditioned that there shall be an interview; and +by article 3, it is furthermore agreed that the said interview shall +be conducted 'on philosophical and liberal principles'; now, it need +scarcely be urged, good Sir John, that it would be the extreme of +illiberality to deny to one party any privilege that was possessed +by the other." + +"Perfectly just my lord, were this an affair of mere courtesy; but +legal constructions must be made on legal principles, or else, as +jurists and diplomatists, we are all afloat on the illimitable ocean +of conjecture." + +"And yet article 10 expressly stipulates that 'no advantage shall be +taken by lawyers.' By considering articles 3 and 10 profoundly and +in conjunction, we learn that it was the intention of the +negotiators to spread the mantle of liberality, apart from all the +subtleties and devices of mere legal practitioners, over the whole +proceedings. Permit me, in corroboration of what is now urged, to +appeal to the voices of those who framed the very conditions about +which we are now arguing. Did YOU, sir," continued my Lord +Chatterino, turning to Captain Poke, with emphasis and dignity; "did +you, sir, when you drew up this celebrated article 10--did you deem +that you were publishing authority of which the lawyers could take +advantage?" + +A deep and very sonorous "No," was the energetic reply of Mr. Poke. + +My Lord Chatterino, then turning, with equal grace, to the Doctor, +first diplomatically waving his tail three times, continued: + +"And you, sir, in drawing up article 3, did you conceive that you +were supporting and promulgating illiberal principles?" + +The question was met by a prompt negative, when the young noble +paused, and looked at me like one who had completely triumphed. + +"Perfectly eloquent, completely convincing, irrefutably +argumentative, and unanswerably just, my lord," I put in; "but I +must be permitted to hint that the validity of all laws is derived +from the enactment; now the enactment, or, in the case of a treaty, +the virtue of the stipulation, is not derived from the intention of +the party who may happen to draw up a law or a clause, but from the +assent of the legal deputies. In the present instance, there are two +negotiators, and I now ask permission to address a few questions to +them, reversing the order of your own interrogatories; and the +result may possibly furnish a clue to the quo animo, in a new +light." Addressing the philosopher, I continued--"Did YOU, sir, in +assenting to article 10, imagine that you were defeating justice, +countenancing oppression, and succoring might to the injury of +right?" + +The answer was a solemn, and, I do not doubt, a very conscientious, +"No." + +"And YOU, sir," turning to Captain Poke, "did you, in assenting to +article 3, in the least conceive that, by any possibility, the foes +of humanity could torture your approbation into the means of +determining that the bison-skin wearers were not to be upon a +perfect footing with the best monikins of the land?" + +"Blast me, if I did!" + +But, Sir John Goldencalf, the Socratic method of reasoning--" + +"Was first resorted to by yourself, my lord--" + +"Nay, good Sir--" + +"Permit me, my dear lord--" + +"Sir John--" + +"My lord--" + +Hereupon the gentle Chatterissa again advanced, and by another +timely interposition of her graceful tact, she succeeded in +preventing the reply. The parallel of the runaway horse was acted +over, and I came to another stand-still. Lord Chatterino now +gallantly proposed that the whole affair should be referred, with +full powers, to the ladies. I could not refuse; and the +plenipotentiaries retired, under a growling accompaniment of Captain +Poke, who pretty plainly declared that women caused more quarrels +than all the rest of the world, and, from the little he had seen, he +expected it would turn out the same with monikinas. + +The female sex certainly possess a facility of composition that is +denied our portion of the creation. In an incredibly short time, the +referees returned with the following programme: + +PROTOCOL of an Interview between, &c., &c. + +The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.: + +ARTICLE 1. There shall be an amicable, logical, philosophical, +ethical, liberal, general, and controversial interview. + +ART. 2. The interview shall be amicable. + +ART. 3. The interview shall be general. + +ART. 4. The interview shall be logical. + +ART. 5. The interview shall be ethical. + +ART. 6. The interview shall be philosophical. + +ART. 7. The interview shall be liberal. + +ART. 8. The interview shall be controversial. + +ART. 9. The interview shall be controversial, liberal, +philosophical, ethical, logical, general, and amicable. + +ART. 10. The interview shall be as particularly agreed upon. + +The cat does not leap upon the mouse with more avidity than Lord +Chatterino and myself pounced upon the third protocol, seeking new +grounds for the argument that each was resolved on. + +"Auguste! cher Auguste!" exclaimed the lovely Chatterissa, in the +prettiest Parisian accent I thought I had ever heard--"Pour moi!" + +"A moi! monseignear!" I put in, flourishing my copy of the protocol- +-I was checked n the midst of this controversial ardor by a tug at +the bison-skin; when, casting a look behind me, I saw Captain Poke +winking and making other signs that he wished to say a word in a +corner. + +"I think, Sir John," observed the worthy sealer, "if we ever mean to +let this bargain come to a catastrophe, it might as well be done +now. The females have been cunning, but the deuce is in it if we +cannot weather upon two women before the matter is well over. In +Stunin'tun, when it is thought best to accommodate proposals, why we +object and raise a breeze in the beginning, but towards the end we +kinder soften and mollify, or else trade would come to a stand. The +hardest gale must blow its pipe out. Trust to me to floor the best +argument the best monkey of them all can agitate!" + +"This matter is getting serious, Noah, and I am filled with an +esprit de corps. Do you not begin yourself to feel human?" + +"Kinder; but more bisonish than anything else. Let them go on, Sir +John; and, when the time comes, we will take them aback, or set me +down as a pettifogger." + +The Captain winked knowingly; and I began to see that there was some +sense in his opinion. On rejoining our friends, or allies, I scarce +know which to call them, I found that the amiable Chatterissa had +equally calmed the diplomatic ardor of her lover, again, and we now +met on the best possible terms. The protocol was accepted by +acclamation; and preparations were instantly commenced for the +lecture of Dr. Reasono. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +A PHILOSOPHY THAT IS BOTTOMED ON SOMETHING SUBSTANTIAL--SOME REASONS +PLAINLY PRESENTED, AND CAVILLING OBJECTIONS PUT TO FLIGHT BY A +CHARGE OF LOGICAL BAYONETS. + + +Dr. Reasono was quite as reasonable, in the personal embellishments +of his lyceum, as any public lecturer I remember to have seen, who +was required to execute his functions in the presence of ladies. If +I say that his coat had been brushed, his tail newly curled, and +that his air was a little more than usually "solemnized," as Captain +Poke described it in a decent whisper, I believe all will be said +that is either necessary or true. He placed himself behind a foot- +stool, which served as a table, smoothed its covering a little with +his paws, and at once proceeded to business. It may be well to add +that he lectured without notes, and, as the subject did not +immediately call for experiments, without any apparatus. + +Waving his tail towards the different parts of the room in which his +audience were seated, the philosopher commenced. + +"As the present occasion, my hearers," he said, "is one of those +accidental calls upon science, to which all belonging to the +academies are liable, and does not demand more than the heads of our +thesis to be explained, I shall not dig into the roots of the +subject, but limit myself to such general remarks as may serve to +furnish the outlines of our philosophy, natural, moral, and +political--" + +"How, sir," I cried, "have you a political as well as a moral +philosophy?" + +"Beyond a question; and a very useful philosophy it is. No interests +require more philosophy than those connected with politics. To +resume--our philosophy, natural, moral and political, reserving most +of the propositions, demonstrations, and corollaries, for greater +leisure, and a more advanced state of information in the class. +Prescribing to myself these salutary limits, therefore, I shall +begin only with nature. + +"Nature is a term that we use to express the pervading and governing +principle of created things. It is known both as a generic and a +specific term, signifying in the former character the elements and +combinations of omnipotence, as applied to matter in general, and in +the latter its particular subdivisions, in connection with matter in +its infinite varieties. It is moreover subdivided into its physical +and moral attributes, which admit also of the two grand distinctions +just named. Thus, when we say nature, in the abstract, meaning +physically, we should be understood as alluding to those general, +uniform, absolute, consistent, and beautiful laws, which control and +render harmonious, as a great whole, the entire action, affinities, +and destinies of the universe; and when we say nature in the +speciality, we would be understood to speak of the nature of a rock, +of a tree, of air, fire, water, and land. Again, in alluding to a +moral nature in the abstract, we mean sin, and its weaknesses, its +attractions, its deformities-in a word, its totality; while, on the +other hand, when we use the term, in this sense, under the limits of +a speciality, we confine its signification to the particular shades +of natural qualities that mark the precise object named. Let us +illustrate our positions by a few brief examples. + +"When we say 'Oh nature, how art thou glorious, sublime, +instructive!'--we mean that her laws emanate from a power of +infinite intelligence and perfection; and when we say 'Oh nature, +how art thou frail, vain and insufficient!' we mean that she is, +after all, but a secondary quality, inferior to that which brought +her into existence, for definite, limited, and, doubtless, useful +purposes. In these examples we treat the principle in the abstract. + +"The examples of nature in the speciality will be more familiar, +and, although in no degree more true, will be better understood by +the generality of my auditors. Especial nature, in the physical +signification, is apparent to the senses, and is betrayed in the +outward forms of things, through their force, magnitude, substance, +and proportions, and, in its more mysterious properties, to +examination, by their laws, harmony, and action. Especial moral +nature is denoted in the different propensities, capacities, and +conduct of the different classes of all moral beings. In this latter +sense we have monikin nature, dog nature, horse nature, hog nature, +human nature--" + +"Permit me, Dr. Reasono," I interrupted, "to inquire if, by this +classification, you intend to convey more than may be understood by +the accidental arrangement of your examples?" + +"Purely the latter, I do assure you, Sir John." + +"And do you admit the great distinctions of animal and vegetable +natures?" + +"Our academies are divided on this point. One school contends that +all living nature is to be embraced in a great comprehensive genus, +while another admits of the distinctions you have named. I am of the +latter opinion, inclining to the belief that nature herself has +drawn the line between the two classes, by bestowing on one the +double gift of the moral and physical nature, and by withdrawing the +former from the other. The existence of the moral nature is denoted +by the presence of the will. The academy of Leaphigh has made an +elaborate classification of all the known animals, of which the +sponge is at the bottom of the list, and the monikin at the top!" + +"Sponges are commonly uppermost," growled Noah. + +"Sir," said I, with a disagreeable rising at the throat, "am I to +understand that your savans account man an animal in a middle state +between a sponge and a monkey?" + +"Really, Sir John, this warmth is quite unsuited to philosophical +discussion--if you continue to indulge in it, I shall find myself +compelled to postpone the lecture." + +At this rebuke I made a successful effort to restrain myself, +although my esprit de corps nearly choked me. Intimating, as well as +I could, a change of purpose, Dr. Reasono, who had stood suspended +over his table with an air of doubt, waved his tail, and proceeded:- +- + +"Sponges, oysters, crabs, sturgeons, clams, toads, snakes, lizards, +skunks, opossums, ant-eaters, baboons, negroes, wood-chucks, lions, +Esquimaux, sloths, hogs, Hottentots, ourang-outangs, men and +monikins, are, beyond a question, all animals. The only disputed +point among us is, whether they are all of the same genus, forming +varieties or species, or whether they are to be divided into the +three great families of the improvables, the unimprovables, and the +retrogressives. They who maintain that we form but one great family, +reason by certain conspicuous analogies, that serve as so many links +to unite the great chain of the animal world. Taking man as a +centre, for instance, they show that this creature possesses, in +common with every other creature, some observable property. Thus, +man is, in one particular, like a sponge; in another, he is like an +oyster; a hog is like a man; the skunk has one peculiarity of a man; +the ourang-outang another; the sloth another--" + +"King!" + +"And so on, to the end of the chapter. This school of philosophers, +while it has been very ingeniously supported, is not, however, the +one most in favor just at this moment in the academy of Leaphigh--" + +"Just at this moment, Doctor!" + +"Certainly, sir. Do you not know that truths, physical as well as +moral, undergo their revolutions, the same as all created nature? +The academy has paid great attention to this subject; and it issues +annually an almanac, in which the different phases, the revolutions, +the periods, the eclipses, whether partial or total, the distances +from the centre of light, the apogee and perigee of all the more +prominent truths, are calculated with singular accuracy; and by the +aid of which the cautious are enabled to keep themselves, as near as +possible, within the bounds of reason. We deem this effort of the +monikin mind as the sublimest of all its inventions, and as +furnishing the strongest known evidence of its near approach to the +consummation of our earthly destiny. This is not the place to dwell +on that particular point of our philosophy, however; and, for the +present, we will postpone the subject." + +"Yet you will permit me, Dr. Reasono, in virtue of clause 1, article +5, protocol No. 1 (which protocol, if not absolutely adopted, must +be supposed to contain the spirit of that which was), to inquire +whether the calculations of the revolutions of truth, do not lead to +dangerous moral extravagances, ruinous speculations in ideas, and +serve to unsettle society?" + +The philosopher withdrew a moment with my Lord Chatterino, to +consult whether it would be prudent to admit of the validity of +protocol No. 1, even in this indirect manner; whereupon it was +decided between them, that, as such admission would lay open all the +vexatious questions that had just been so happily disposed of, +clause 1 of article 5 having a direct connection with clause 2; +clauses 1 and 2 forming the whole article; and the said article 5, +in its entirety, forming an integral portion of the whole +instrument; and the doctrine of constructions, enjoining that +instruments are to be construed like wills, by their general, and +not by their especial tendencies, it would be dangerous to the +objects of the interview to allow the application to be granted. +But, reserving a protest against the concession being interpreted +into a precedent, it might be well to concede that as an act of +courtesy, which was denied as a right. Hereupon, Dr. Reasono +informed me that these calculations of the revolutions of truth DID +lead to certain moral extravagances, and in many instances to +ruinous speculations in ideas; that the academy of Leaphigh. and, so +far as his information extended, the academy of every other country, +had found the subject of truth, more particularly moral truth, the +one of all others the most difficult to manage, the most likely to +be abused, and the most dangerous to promulgate. I was moreover +promised, at a future day, some illustrations of this branch of the +subject. + +"To pursue the more regular thread of my lecture," continued Dr. +Reasono, when he had politely made this little digression, "we now +divide these portions of the created world into animated and +vegetable nature; the former is again divided into the improvable, +and the unimprovable, and the retrogressive. The improvable embraces +all those species which are marching, by slow, progressive, but +immutable mutations, towards the perfection of terrestrial life, or +to that last, elevated, and sublime condition of mortality, in which +the material makes its final struggle with the immaterial--mind with +matter. The improvable class of animals, agreeably to the monikin +dogmas, commences with those species in which matter has the most +unequivocal ascendency, and terminates with those in which mind is +as near perfection as this mortal coil will allow. We hold that mind +and matter, in that mysterious union which connects the spiritual +with the physical being, commence in the medium state, undergoing, +not, as some men have pretended, transmigrations of the soul only, +but such gradual and imperceptible changes of both soul and body, as +have peopled the world with so many wonderful beings--wonderful, +mentally and physically; and all of which (meaning all of the +improvable class) are no more than animals of the same great genus, +on the high road of tendencies, who are advancing towards the last +stage of improvement, previously to their final translation to +another planet, and a new existence. + +"The retrogressive class is composed of those specimens which, owing +to their destiny, take a false direction; which, instead of tending +to the immaterial, tend to the material; which gradually become more +and more under the influence of matter, until, by a succession of +physical translations, the will is eventually lost, and they become +incorporated with the earth itself. Under this last transformation, +these purely materialized beings are chemically analyzed in the +great laboratory of nature, and their component parts are separated; +thus the bones become rocks, the flesh earth, the spirits air, the +blood water, the gristle clay and the ashes of the will are +converted into the element of fire. In this class we enumerate +whales, elephants, hippopotami, and divers other brutes, which +visibly exhibit accumulations of matter that must speedily triumph +over the less material portions of their natures." + +"And yet, Doctor, there are facts that militate against the theory; +the elephant, for instance, is accounted one of the most intelligent +of all the quadrupeds." + +"A mere false demonstration, sir. Nature delights in these little +equivocations; thus, we have false suns, false rainbows, false +prophets, false vision, and even false philosophy. There are entire +races of both our species, too, as the Congo and the Esquimaux, for +yours, and baboons and the common monkeys, that inhabit various +parts of the world possessed by the human species, for ours, which +are mere shadows of the forms and qualities that properly +distinguish the animal in its state of protection." + +"How, sir! are you not, then, of the same family as all the other +monkeys that we see hopping and skipping about the streets?" + +"No more, sir, than you are of the same family as the flat-nosed, +thick-lipped, low-browed, ink-skinned negro, or the squalid, +passionless, brutalized Esquimaux. I have said that nature delights +in vagaries; and all these are no more than some of her +mystifications. Of this class is the elephant, who, while verging +nearest to pure materialism, makes a deceptive parade of the quality +he is fast losing. Instances of this species of playing trumps, if I +may so express it, are common in all classes of beings. How often, +for instance, do men, just as they are about to fail, make a parade +of wealth, women seem obdurate an hour before they capitulate, and +diplomatists call Heaven to be a witness of their resolutions to the +contrary, the day before they sign and seal! In the case of the +elephant, however, there is a slight exception to the general rule, +which is founded on an extraordinary struggle between mind and +matter, the former making an effort that is unusual, and which may +be said to form an exception to the ordinary warfare between these +two principles, as it is commonly conducted in the retrogressive +class of animals. The most infallible sign of the triumph of mind +over matter, is in the development of the tail--" + +"King!" + +"Of the tail, Dr. Reasono?" + +"By all means, sir--that seat of reason, the tail! Pray, Sir John, +what other portion of our frames did you imagine was indicative of +intellect?" + +"Among men, Dr. Reasono, it is commonly thought the head is the more +honorable member, and, of late, we have made analytical maps of this +part of our physical formation, by which it is pretended to know the +breadth and length of a moral quality, no less than its boundaries." + +"You have made the best use of your materials, such as they were, +and I dare say the map in question, all things considered, is a very +clever performance. But in the complication and abstruseness of this +very moral chart (one of which I perceive standing on your +mantelpiece), you may learn the confusion which still reigns over +the human intellect. Now, in regarding us, you can understand the +very converse of your dilemma. How much easier, for instance, is it +to take a yard-stick, and by a simple admeasurement of a tail, come +to a sound, obvious and incontrovertible conclusion as to the extent +of the intellect of the specimen, than by the complicated, +contradictory, self-balancing and questionable process to which you +are reduced! Were there only this fact, it would abundantly +establish the higher moral condition of the monikinrace, as it is +compared with that of man." + +"Dr. Reasono, am I to understand that the monikin family seriously +entertain a position so extravagant as this; that a monkey is a +creature more intellectual and more highly civilized than man?" + +"Seriously, good Sir John! Why you are the first respectable person +it has been my fortune to meet, who has even affected to doubt the +fact. It is well known that both belong to the improvable class of +animals, and that monkeys, as you are pleased to term us, were once +men, with all their passions, weaknesses, inconsistencies, mode of +philosophy, unsound ethics, frailties, incongruities and +subserviency to matter; that they passed into the monikin state by +degrees, and that large divisions of them are constantly evaporating +into the immaterial world, completely spiritualized and free from +the dross of flesh. I do not mean in what is called death--for that +is no more than an occasional deposit of matter to be resumed in a +new aspect, and with a nearer approach to the grand results (whether +of the improvable or of the retrogressive classes)--but those final +mutations which transfer us to another planet, to enjoy a higher +state of being, and leaving us always on the high road towards final +excellence." + +"All this is very ingenious, sir; but before you can persuade me +into the belief that man is an animal inferior to a monkey, Dr. +Reasono, you will allow me to say that you must prove it." + +"Ay, ay, or me, either," put in Captain Poke, waspishly. + +"Were I to cite my proofs, gentlemen," continued the philosopher, +whose spirit appeared to be much less moved by our doubts than ours +were by his position--"I should in the first place refer you to +history. All the monikin writers are agreed in recording the gradual +translation of the species from the human family--" + +"This may do very well, sir, for the latitude of Leaphigh, but +permit me to say that no human historian, from Moses down to Buffon, +has ever taken such a view of our respective races. There is not a +word in any of all these writers on the subject." + +"How should there be, sir? History is not a prediction, but a record +of the past. Their silence is so much negative proof in our favor. +Does Tacitus, for instance, speak of the French revolution? Is not +Herodotus silent on the subject of the independence of the American +continent?--or do any of the Greek and Roman writers give us the +annals of Stunin'tun--a city whose foundations were most probably +laid some time after the commencement of the Christian era? It is +morally impossible that men or monikins can faithfully relate events +that have never happened; and as it has never yet happened to any +man, who is still a man, to be translated to the monikin state of +being, it follows, as a necessary consequence, that he can know +nothing about it. If you want historical proof, therefore, of what I +say, you must search the monikin annals for evidence. There it is to +be found with an infinity of curious details; and I trust the time +is not far distant, when I shall have great pleasure in pointing out +to you some of the most approved chapters of our best writers on +this subject. But we are not confined to the testimony of history, +in establishing our condition to be of the secondary formation. The +internal evidence is triumphant; we appeal to our simplicity, our +philosophy, the state of the arts among us, in short, to all those +concurrent proofs which are dependent on the highest possible state +of civilization. In addition to this, we have the infallible +testimony which is to be derived from the development of our tails. +Our system of caudology is, in itself, a triumphant proof of the +high improvement of the monikin reason." + +"Do I comprehend you aright, Dr. Reasono, when I understand your +system of caudology, or tailology, to render it into the vernacular, +to dogmatize on the possibility that the seat of reason in man, +which to-day is certainly in his brains, can ever descend into a +tail?" + +"If you deem development, improvement and simplification a descent, +beyond a question, sir. But your figure is a bad one, Sir John; for +ocular demonstration is before you, that a monikin can carry his +tail as high as a man can possibly carry his head. Our species, in +this sense, is morally nicked; and it costs us no effort to be on a +level with human kings. We hold, with you, that the brain is the +seat of reason, while the animal is in what we call the human +probation, but that it is a reason undeveloped, imperfect, and +confused; cased, as it were, in an envelope unsuited to its +functions; but that, as it gradually oozes out of this straitened +receptable towards the base of the animal, it acquires solidity, +lucidity, and, finally, by elongation and development, point. If you +examine the human brain, you will find it, though capable of being +stretched to a great length, compressed in a diminutive compass, +involved and snarled; whereas the same physical portion of the genus +gets simplicity, a beginning and an end, a directness and +consecutiveness that are necessary to logic, and, as has just been +mentioned, a point, in the monikin seat of reason, which, by all +analogy, go to prove the superiority of the animal possessing +advantages so great." + +"Nay, sir, if you come to analogies, they will be found to prove +more than you may wish. In vegetation, for instance, saps ascend for +the purposes of fructification and usefulness; and, reasoning from +the analogies of the vegetable world, it is far more probable that +tails have ascended into brains than that brains have descended into +tails; and, consequently, that men are much more likely to be an +improvement on monkeys, than monkeys an improvement on men." + +I spoke with warmth, I know; for the doctrine of Dr. Reasono was new +to me; and by this time, my esprit de corps had pretty effectually +blinded reflection. + +"You gave him a red-hot shot that time, Sir John," whispered Captain +Poke at my elbow; "now, if you are so disposed, I will wring the +necks of all these little blackguards, and throw them out of the +window." + +I immediately intimated that any display of brute force would +militate directly against our cause; as the object, just at that +moment, was to be as immaterial as possible. + +"Well, well, manage it in your own way, Sir John, and I'm quite as +immaterial as you can wish; but should these cunning varments +ra'ally get the better of us in the argument, I shall never dare +look at Miss Poke, or show my face ag'in in Stunin'tun." + +This little aside was secretly conducted, while Dr. Reasono was +drinking a glass of eau sucre; but he soon returned to the subject, +with the dignified gravity that never forsook him. + +"Your remark touching saps has the usual savor of human ingenuity, +blended, however, with the proverbial short-sightedness of the +species. It is very true that saps ascend for fructification; but +what is this fructification, to which you allude? It is no more than +a false demonstration of the energies of the plant. For all the +purposes of growth, life, durability, and the final conversion of +the vegetable matter into an element, the root is the seat of power +and authority; and, in particular, the tap-root above or rather +below all others. This tap-root may be termed the tail of +vegetation. You may pluck fruits with impunity--nay, you may even +top all the branches, and the tree shall survive; but, put the axe +to the root, and the pride of the forest falls." + +All this was too evidently true to be denied, and I felt worried and +badgered; for no man likes to be beaten in a discussion of this +sort, and more especially by a monkey. I bethought me of the +elephant, and determined to make one more thrust, by the aid of his +powerful tusks, before I gave up the point. + +"I am inclined to think, Dr. Reasono," I put in as soon as possible, +"that your savans have not been very happy in illustrating their +theory by means of the elephant. This animal, besides being a mass +of flesh, is too well provided with intellect to be passed off for a +dunce; and he not only has ONE, but he might almost be said to be +provided with TWO tails." + +"That has been his chief misfortune, sir. Matter, in the great +warfare between itself and mind, has gone on the principle of +'divide and conquer.' You are nearer the truth than you imagined, +for the trunk of the elephant is merely the abortion of a tail; and +yet, you see, it contains nearly all the intelligence that the +animal possesses. On the subject of the fate of the elephant, +however, theory is confirmed by actual experiment. Do not your +geologists and naturalists speak of the remains of animals, which +are no longer to be found among living things?" + +"Certainly, sir; the mastodon--the megatherium, iguanodon; and the +plesiosaurus--" + +"And do you not also find unequivocal evidences of animal matter +incorporated with rocks?" + +"This fact must be admitted, too." + +"These phenomena, as you call them, are no more than the final +deposits which nature has made in the cases of those creatures in +which matter has completely overcome its rival, mind. So soon as the +will is entirely extinct, the being ceases to live; or it is no +longer an animal. It falls and reverts altogether to the element of +matter. The processes of decomposition and incorporation are longer, +or shorter, according to circumstances; and these fossil remains of +which your writers say so much, are merely cases that have met with +accidental obstacles to their final decomposition. As respects our +two species, a very cursory examination of their qualities ought to +convince any candid mind of the truth of our philosophy. Thus, the +physical part of man is much greater in proportion to the spiritual, +than it is in the monikin; his habits are grosser and less +intellectual; he requires sauce and condiments in his food; he is +farther removed from simplicity, and, by necessary implication, from +high civilization; he eats flesh, a certain proof that the material +principle is still strong in the ascendant; he has no cauda---" + +"On this point, Dr. Reasono, I would inquire if your scholars attach +any weight to traditions?" + +"The greatest possible, sir. It is the monikin tradition that our +species is composed of men refined, of diminished matter and +augmented minds, with the seat of reason extricated from the +confinement and confusion of the caput, and extended, unravelled, +and rendered logical and consecutive, in the cauda." + +Well, sir, WE too have our traditions; and an eminent writer, at no +great distance of time, has laid it down as incontrovertible, that +men once HAD caudae." + +"A mere prophetic glance into the future, as coming events are known +to cast their shadows before." + +"Sir, the philosopher in question establishes his position, by +pointing to the stumps." + +"He has unluckily mistaken a foundation-stone for a ruin! Such +errors are not unfrequent with the ardent and ingenious. That men +WILL have tails, I make no doubt; but that they HAVE ever reached +this point of perfection, I do most solemnly deny. There are many +premonitory symptoms of their approaching this condition; the +current opinions of the day, the dress, habits, fashions, and +philosophy of the species, encourage the belief; but hitherto you +have never reached the enviable distinction. As to traditions, even +your own are all in favor of our theory. Thus, for instance, you +have a tradition that the earth was once peopled by giants. Now, +this is owing to the fact that men were formerly more under the +influence of matter, and less under that of mind than to day. You +admit that you diminish in size, and improve in moral attainments; +all of which goes to establish the truth of the monikin philosophy. +You begin to lay less stress on physical, and more on moral +excellences; and, in short, many things show that the time for the +final liberation and grand development of your brains, is not far +distant. This much I very gladly concede; for, while the dogmas of +our schools are not to be disregarded, I very cheerfully admit that +you are our fellow-creatures, though in a more infant and less +improved condition of society." + +"King!" + +Here Dr. Reasono announced the necessity of taking a short +intermission in order to refresh himself. I retired with Captain +Poke, to have a little communication with my fellow-mortal, under +the peculiar circumstances in which we were placed, and to ask his +opinion of what had been said. Noah swore bitterly at some of the +conclusions of the monikin philosopher, affirming that he should +like no better sport than to hear him lecture in the streets of +Stunin'tun, where, he assured me, such doctrine would not be +tolerated any longer than was necessary to sharpen a harpoon, or to +load a gun. Indeed, he did not know but the Doctor would be +incontinently kicked over into Rhode Island, without ceremony. + +"For that matter," continued the indignant old sealer, "I should ask +no better sport than to have permission to put the big toe of my +right foot, under full sail, against the part of the blackguard +where his beloved tail is stepped. That would soon bring him to +reason. Why, as for his cauda, if you will believe me, Sir John, I +once saw a man, on the coast of Patagonia--a savage, to be sure, and +not a philosopher, as this fellow pretends to be--who had an +outrigger of this sort, as long as a ship's ringtail-boom. And what +was he, after all, but a poor devil who did not know a sea-lion from +a grampus!" + +This assertion of Captain Poke relieved my mind considerably; and +laying aside the bison-skin, I asked him to have the goodness to +examine the localities, with some particularity, about the +termination of the dorsal bone, in order to ascertain if there were +any encouraging signs to be discovered. Captain Poke put on his +spectacles, for time had brought the worthy mariner to their use, as +he said, "whenever he had occasion to read fine print"; and, after +some time, I had the satisfaction to hear him declare, that if it +was a cauda I wanted, there was as good a place to step one, as +could be found about any monkey in the universe; "and you have only +to say the word, Sir John, and I will just step into the next room, +and by the help of my knife and a little judgment in choosing, I'll +fit you out with a jury-article, which, if there be any ra'al vartue +in this sort of thing, will qualify you at once to be a judge, or, +for that matter, a bishop." + +We were now summoned again to the lecture-room, and I had barely +time to thank Captain Poke for his obliging offer, which +circumstances just then, however, forbade my accepting. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +BETTER AND BETTER--A HIGHER FLIGHT OF REASON--MORE OBVIOUS TRUTHS, +DEEPER PHILOSOPHY, AND FACTS THAT EVEN AN OSTRICH MIGHT DIGEST. + + +"I gladly quit what I fear some present may have considered the +personal part of my lecture," resumed Dr. Reasono, "to turn to those +portions of the theme that should possess a common interest, awaken +common pride, and excite common felicitations. I now propose to say +a few words on that part of our natural philosophy which is +connected with the planetary system, the monikin location--and, as a +consequence from both, the creation of the world." + +"Although dying with impatience to be enlightened on all these +interesting points, you will grant me leave to inquire en passant, +Dr. Reasono, if your savans receive the Mosaic account of the +creation or not." + +"As far as it corroborates our own system, sir, and no farther. +There would be a manifest inconsistency in our giving an +antagonistic validity to any hostile theory, let it come from Moses +or Aaron; as one of your native good sense and subsequent +cultivation will readily perceive." + +"Permit me to intimate, Dr. Reasono, that the distinction your +philosophers take in this matter, is directly opposed to a very +arbitrary canon in the law of evidence, which dictates the necessity +of repudiating the whole of a witness's testimony, when we repudiate +a part." + +"That may be a human, but it is not a monikin distinction. So far +from admitting the soundness of the principle, we hold that no +monikin is ever wholly right, or that he will be wholly right, so +long as he remains in the least under the influence of matter; and +we therefore winnow the false from the true, rejecting the former as +worse than useless, while we take the latter as the nutriment of +facts." + +"I now repeat my apologies for so often interrupting you, venerable +and learned sir; and I entreat you will not waste another moment in +replying to my interrogatories, but proceed at once to an +explanation of your planetary system, or of any other little thing +it may suit your convenience to mention. When one listens to a real +philosopher, one is certain to learn something that is either useful +or agreeable, let the subject be what it may." + +"By the monikin philosophy, gentlemen," continued Dr. Reasono, "we +divide the great component parts of this earth into land and water. +These two principles we term the primary elements. Human philosophy +has added air and fire to the list; but these we reject either +entirely, or admit them only as secondary elements. That neither air +nor fire is a primary element, may be proved by experiment. Thus, +air can be formed, in the quality of gases, can be rendered pure or +foul; is dependent on evaporation, being no more than ordinary +matter in a state of high rarefaction. Fire has no independent +existence, requires fuel for its support, and is evidently a +property that is derived from the combinations of other principles. +Thus, by putting two or more billets of wood together, by rapid +friction you produce fire. Abstract the air suddenly, and your fire +becomes extinct; abstract the wood, and you have the same result. +From these two experiments it is shown that fire has no independent +existence, and therefore is not an element. On the other hand, take +a billet of wood and let it be completely saturated with water; the +wood acquires a new property (as also by the application of fire, +which converts it into ashes and air), for its specific gravity is +increased, it becomes less inflammable, emits vapor more readily, +and yields less readily to the blow of the axe. Place the same +billet under a powerful screw, and a vessel beneath. Compress the +billet, and by a sufficient application of force, you will have the +wood, perfectly dry, left beneath the screw, and the vessel will +contain water. Thus is it shown that land (all vegetable matter +being no more than fungi of the earth) is a. primary element, and +that water is also a primary element; while air and fire are not. + +"Having established the elements, I shall, for brevity's sake, +suppose the world created. In the beginning, the orb was placed in +vacuum, stationary, and with its axis perpendicular to the plane of +what is now called its orbit. Its only revolution was the diurnal." + +"And the changes of the seasons?" + +"Had not yet taken place. The days and nights were equal; there were +no eclipses; the same stars were always visible. This state of the +earth is supposed, from certain geological proofs, to have continued +about a thousand years, during which time the struggle between mind +and matter was solely confined to quadrupeds. Man is thought to have +made his appearance, so far as our documents go to establish the +fact, about the year of the world one thousand and three. About this +period, too, it is supposed that fire was generated by the friction +of the earth's axis, while making the diurnal movement; or, as some +imagine, by the friction of the periphery of the orb, rubbing +against vacuum at the rate of so many miles in a minute. The fire +penetrating the crust, soon got access to the bodies of water that +fill the cavities of the earth. From this time is to be dated the +existence of a new and most important agent in the terrestrial +phenomena, called steam. Vegetation now began to appear, as the +earth received warmth from within--" + +"Pray, sir, may I ask in what manner all the animals existed +previously?" + +"By feeding on each other. The strong devoured the weak, until the +most diminutive of the animalcula were reached, when these turned on +their persecutors, and profiting by their insignificance, commenced +devouring the strongest. You find daily parallels to this phenomenon +in the history of man. He who by his energy and force has triumphed +over his equals, is frequently the prey of the insignificant and +vile. You doubtless know that the polar regions even in the original +attitude of the earth, owing to their receiving the rays of the sun +obliquely, must have possessed a less genial climate than the parts +of the orb that lie between the arctic and the antarctic circles. +This was a wise provision of Providence to prevent a premature +occupation of those chosen regions, or to cause them to be left +uninhabited, until mind had so far mastered matter, as to have +brought into existence the first monikin." + +"May I venture to ask to what epoch you refer the appearance of the +first of your species?" + +"To the monikin epocha, beyond a doubt, sir--but if you mean to ask +in what year of the world this event took place, I should answer, +about the year 4017. It is true that certain of our writers affect +to think that divers men were approaching to the sublimation of the +monikin mind, previously to this period; but the better opinion is, +that these cases were no more than what are termed premonitory. +Thus, Socrates, Plato, Confucius, Aristotle, Euclid, Zeno, Diogenes, +and Seneca, were merely so many admonishing types of the future +condition of man, indicating their near approach to the monikin, or +to the final translation." + +"And Epicurus--" + +"Was an exaggeration of the material principle, that denoted the +retrogression of a large portion of the race towards brutality and +matter. These phenomena are still of daily occurrence." + +"Do you then hold the opinion, for instance, Dr. Reasono, that +Socrates is now a monikin philosopher, with his brain unravelled and +rendered logically consecutive, and that Epicurus is transformed +perchance into a hippopotamus or a rhinoceros, with tusks, horns, +and hide?" + +"You quite mistake our dogmas, Sir John. We do not believe in +transmigration in the individual at all, but in the transmigration +of classes. Thus, we hold that whenever a given generation of men, +in a peculiar state of society, attain, in the aggregate, a certain +degree of moral improvement, or mentality, as we term it in the +schools, that there is an admixture of their qualities in masses, +some believe by scores, others think by hundreds, and others again +pretend by thousands; and if it is found, by the analysis that is +regularly instituted by nature, that the proportions are just, the +material is consigned to the monikin birth; if not, it is +repudiated, and either kneaded anew for another human experiment, or +consigned to the vast stores of dormant matter. Thus all +individuality, so far as it is connected with the past, is lost." + +"But, sir, existing facts contradict one of the most important of +your propositions; while you admit that a want of a change in the +seasons would be a consequence of the perpendicularity of the +earth's axis to the plane of its present orbit, this change in the +seasons is a matter not to be denied. Flesh and blood testify +against you here, no less than reason." + +"I spoke of things as they were, sir, previously to the birth of the +monikinia; since which time a great, salutary, harmonious, and +contemplated alteration has occurred. Nature had reserved the polar +region for the new species, with divers obvious and benevolent +purposes. They were rendered uninhabitable by the obliquity of the +sun's rays; and though matter, in the shape of mastodons and whales, +with an instinct of its antagonistic destination, had frequently +invaded their precincts, it was only to leave the remains of the +first embedded in fields of ice, memorials of the uselessness of +struggling against destiny, and to furnish proofs of the same great +truth in the instance of the others; who, if they did enter the +polar basins as masters of the great deep, either left their bones +there, or returned in the same characters as they went. From the +appearance of animal nature on the earth, down to the period when +the monikin race arose, the regions in question were not only +uninhabited, but virtually uninhabitable. When, however, nature, +always wary, wise, beneficent, and never to be thwarted, had +prepared the way, those phenomena were exhibited that cleared the +road for the new species. I have alluded to the internal struggle +between fire and water, and to their progeny, steam. This new agent +was now required to act. A moment's attention to the manner in which +the next great step in the progress of civilization was made, will +show with what foresight and calculation our common mother had +established her laws. The earth is flattened at the poles, as is +well imagined by some of the human philosophers, in consequence of +its diurnal movement commencing while the ball was still in a state +of fusion, which naturally threw off a portion of the unkneaded +matter towards the periphery. This was not done without the design +of accomplishing a desired end. The matter that was thus accumulated +at the equator, was necessarily abstracted from other parts; and in +this manner the crust of the globe became thinnest at the poles. +When a sufficiency of steam had been generated in the centre of the +ball, a safety-valve was evidently necessary to prevent a total +disruption. As there was no other machinist than nature, she worked +with her own tools, and agreeably to her own established laws. The +thinnest portions of the crust opportunely yielded to prevent a +catastrophe, when the superfluous and heated vapor escaped, in a +right line with the earth's axis, into vacuum. This phenomenon +occurred, as nearly as we have been able to ascertain, about the +year 700 before the Christian era commenced, or some two centuries +previously to the birth of the first monikins." + +"And why so early, may I presume to inquire, Doctor?" + +"Simply that there might be time for the new climate to melt the ice +that had accumulated about the islands and continents of that region +(for it was only at the southern extremity of the earth that the +explosion had taken place), in the course of so many centuries. Two +hundred and seventy years of the active and unremitted agency of +steam sufficed for this end; since the accomplishment of which, the +monikin race has been in the undisturbed enjoyment of the whole +territory, together with its blessed fruits." + +"Am I to understand," asked Captain Poke, with more interest than he +had before manifested in the philosopher's lecture, "that your +folks, when at hum', live to the south'ard of the belt of ice that +we mariners always fall in with somewhere about the parallel of 77 +degrees south latitude?" + +"Precisely so--alas! that we should, this day, be so far from those +regions of peace, delight, intelligence, and salubrity! But the will +of Providence be done!--doubtless there is a wise motive for our +captivity and sufferings, which may yet lead to the further glory of +the monikin race!" + +"Will you have the kindness to proceed with your explanations, +Doctor? If you deny the annual revolution of the earth, in what +manner do you account for the changes of the seasons, and other +astronomical phenomena, such as the eclipses which so frequently +occur?" + +"You remind me that the subject is not yet exhausted," the +philosopher hurriedly rejoined, hastily and covertly dashing a tear +from his eye. "Prosperity produced some of its usual effects among +the founders of our species. For a few centuries, they went on +multiplying in numbers, elongating and rendering still more +consecutive their cauda, improving in knowledge and the arts, until +some spirits, more audacious than the rest, became restive under the +slow march of events, which led them towards perfection at a rate +ill-suited to their fiery impatience. At this time, the mechanic +arts were at the highest pitch of perfection amongst us--we have +since, in a great measure, abandoned them, as unsuited to, and +unnecessary for, an advanced state of civilization--we wore clothes, +constructed canals, and effected other works that were greatly +esteemed among the species from which we had emigrated. At this +time, also, the whole monikin family lived together as one people, +enjoyed the same laws, and pursued the same objects. But a political +sect arose in the region, under the direction of misguided and hot- +headed leaders, who brought down upon us the just judgment of +Providence, and a multitude of evils that it will require ages to +remedy. This sect soon had recourse to religious fanaticism and +philosophical sophisms, to attain its ends. It grew rapidly in power +and numbers; for we monikins, like men, as I have had occasion to +observe, are seekers of novelties. At last it proceeded to absolute +overt acts of treason against the laws of Providence itself. The +first violent demonstration of its madness and folly was, setting up +the doctrine that injustice had been done the monikin race, by +causing the safety-valve of the world to be opened within their +region. Although we were manifestly indebted to this very +circumstance for the benignity of our climate, the value of our +possessions, the general healthfulness of our families-nay, for our +separate existence itself, as an independent species, yet did these +excited and ill-judging wretches absolutely wage war upon the most +benevolent and the most unequivocal friend they had. Specious +promises led to theories, theories to declamations, declamation to +combination, combination to denunciation, and denunciation to open +hostilities. The matter in dispute was debated for two generations, +when the necessary degree of madness having been excited, the +leaders of the party, who by this time had worked themselves through +their hobby, into the general control of the monikin affairs, called +a meeting of all their partisans and passed certain resolutions, +which will never be blotted from the monikin memory, so fatal were +their consequences, so ruinous for a time their effects! They were +conceived in the following terms:-- + +"'At a full and overflowing meeting of the most monikinized of the +monikin race, holden at the house of Peleg Pat (we still used the +human appellations, at that epoch), in the year of the world 3,007, +and of the monikin era 317, Plausible Shout was called to the chair, +and Ready Quill was named secretary.'" + +"'After several excellent and eloquent addresses from all present, +it was unanimously resolved as follows, viz.:'" + +"'That steam is a curse, and not a blessing; and that it deserves to +be denounced by all patriotic and true monikins.'" + +"'That we deem it the height of oppression and injustice in nature, +that she has placed the great safety-valve of the world within the +lawful limits of the monikin territories.'" + +"'That the said safety-valve ought to be removed forthwith; and that +it shall be so removed, peaceably if it can, forcibly if it must.'" + +"'That we cordially approve of the sentiments of John Jaw, our +present estimable chief magistrate, the incorruptible partisan, the +undaunted friend of his friends, the uncompromising enemy of steam, +and the sound, pure, orthodox, and true monikin.'' + +"'That we recommend the said Jaw to the confidence of all +monikins.'" + +"'That we call upon the country to sustain us in our great, holy, +and glorious design, pledging ourselves, posterity, the bones of our +ancestors, and all who have gone before or who may come after us, to +the faithful execution of our intentions. + +"'Signed,'" + +"'PLAUSIBLE SHOUT, Chairman.'" + +"'READY QUILL, Secretary.'" + +"No sooner were these resolutions promulgated (for instead of being +passed at a full meeting, it is now understood they were drawn up +between Messrs. Shout and Quill, under the private dictation of Mr. +Jaw), than the public mind began seriously to meditate proceeding to +extremities. That perfection in the mechanic arts, which had +hitherto formed our pride and boast, now proved to be our greatest +enemy. It is thought that the leaders of this ill-directed party +meant, in truth, to confine themselves to certain electioneering +effects; but who can stay the torrent, or avert the current of +prejudice! The stream was setting against steam; the whole invention +of the species was put in motion; and in one year from the passage +of the resolutions I have recited, mountains were transported, +endless piles of rocks were thrown into the gulf, arches were +constructed, and the hole of the safety-valve was hermetically +sealed. You will form some idea of the waste of intelligence and +energy on this occasion, when I add that it was found, by actual +observation, that this artificial portion of the earth was thicker, +stronger, and more likely to be durable than the natural. So far did +infatuation lead the victims, that they actually caused the whole +region to be sounded, and, having ascertained the precise locality +of the thinnest portion of the crust, John Jaw, and all the most +zealous of his followers, removed to the spot, where they +established the seat of their government in triumph. All this time +nature rested upon her arms, in the quiet of conscious force. It was +not long, however, before our ancestors began to perceive the +consequences of their act, in the increase of the cold, in the +scarcity of fruits, and in the rapid augmentation of the ice. The +monikin enthusiasm is easily awakened in favor of any plausible +theory, but it invariably yields to physical pressure. No doubt the +human race, better furnished with the material of physical +resistance, does not exhibit so much of this weakness, but--" + +"Do not flatter us with the exception, Doctor. I find so many points +of resemblance between us, that I really begin to think we must have +had the same origin; and if you would only admit that man is of the +secondary formation, and the monikins of the primary, I would accept +the whole of your philosophy without a moment's delay." + +"As such an admission would be contrary to both fact and doctrine, I +trust, my dear sir, you will see the utter impossibility of a +Professor in the University of Leaphigh making the concession, even +in this remote part of the world. As I was about to observe, the +people began to betray uneasiness at the increasing and constant +inclemency of the weather; and Mr. John Jaw found it necessary to +stimulate their passions by a new development of his principles. His +friends and partisans were all assembled in the great square of the +new capital, and the following resolutions were, to use the language +of a handbill that is still preserved in the archives of the +Leaphigh Historical Society (for it would seem they were printed +before they were passed), 'unanimously, enthusiastically, and +finally adopted,' viz.: + +"'Resolved, That this meeting has the utmost contempt for steam.'" + +"'Resolved, That this meeting defies snow, and sterility, and all +other natural disadvantages.'" + +"'Resolved, That we will live forever.'" + +"'Resolved, That we will henceforward go naked, as the most +effectual means of setting the frost at defiance.'" + +"'Resolved, That we are now over the thinnest part of the earth's +crust in the polar regions.'" + +"'Resolved, That henceforth we will support no monikin for any +public trust, who will not give a pledge to put out all his fires, +and to dispense with cooking altogether.'" + +"'Resolved, That we are animated by the true spirit of patriotism, +reason, good faith, and firmness.'" + +"'Resolved, That this meeting now adjourn sine die.'" + +"We are told that the last resolution was just carried by +acclamation, when nature arose in her might, and took ample +vengeance for all her wrongs. The great boiler of the earth burst +with a tremendous explosion, carrying away, as the thinnest part of +the workmanship, not only Mr. John Jaw, and all his partisans, but +forty thousand square miles of territory. The last that was seen of +them was about thirty seconds after the occurrence of the explosion, +when the whole mass disappeared near the northern horizon, going at +a rate a little surpassing that of a cannon ball which has just left +its gun." + +"King!" exclaimed Noah; "that is what we sailors call 'to cut and +run.'" + +"Was nothing ever heard of Mr. Jaw and his companions, my good +Doctor?" + +"Nothing that could be depended on. Some of our naturalists assume +that the monkeys which frequent the other parts of the earth are +their descendants, who, stunned by the shock, have lost their +reasoning powers, while, at the same time, they show glimmerings of +their origin. This is, in truth, the better opinion of our savans; +and it is usual with us, to distinguish all the human species of +monkeys by the name of 'the lost monikins.' Since my captivity, +chance has thrown me in the way of several of these animals, who +were equally under the control of the cruel Savoyards; and in +conversing with them, in order to inquire into their traditions and +to trace the analogies of language, I have been led to think there +is some foundation for the opinion. Of this, however, hereafter." + +"Pray, Dr. Reasono, what became of the forty thousand square miles +of territory?" + +"Of that we have a better account; for one of our vessels, which was +far to the northward, on an exploring expedition, fell in with it in +longitude 2 degrees from Leaphigh, latitude 6 degrees S., and by her +means it was ascertained that divers islands had been already formed +by falling fragments; and, judging by the direction of the main body +when last seen, the fertility of that part of the world, and various +geological proofs, we hold that the great western archipelago is the +deposit of the remainder." + +"And the monikin region, sir--what was the consequence of this +phenomenon to that part of the world?" + +"Awful--sublime--various--and durable! The more important, or the +personal consequences, shall be mentioned first. Fully one-third of +the monikin species were scalded to death. A great many contracted +asthmas and other diseases of the lungs, by inhaling steam. Most of +the bridges were swept away by the sudden melting of the snows, and +large stores of provisions were spoiled by the unexpected appearance +and violent character of the thaw. These may be enumerated among the +unpleasant consequences. Among the pleasant, we esteem a final and +agreeable melioration of the climate, which regained most of its +ancient character, and a rapid and distinct elongation of our +caudtz, by a sudden acquisition of wisdom. + +"The secondary, or the terrestrial consequences, were as follows:-- +By the suddenness and force with which so much steam rushed into +space, finding its outlet several degrees from the pole, the earth +was canted from its perpendicular attitude, and remained fixed, with +its axis having an inclination of 23 degrees 27' to the plane of its +orbit. At the same time the orb began to move in vacuum, and, +restrained by antagonistic attractions, to perform what is called +its annual revolution." + +"I can very well understand, friend Reasono," observed Noah, "why +the 'arth should heel under so sudden a flaw, though a well- +ballasted ship would right again when the puff was over; but I +cannot understand how a little steam leaking out at one end of a +craft should set her agoing at the rate we are told this world +travels?" + +"If the escape of the steam were constant, the diurnal motion giving +it every moment a new position, the earth would not be propelled in +its orbit, of a certainty, Captain Poke; but as, in fact, this +escape of the steam has the character of pulsation, being periodical +and regular, nature has ordained that it shall occur but once in the +twenty-four hours, and this at such a time as to render its action +uniform, and its impulsion always in the same direction. The +principle on which the earth receives this impetus, can be easily +illustrated by a familiar experiment. Take, for instance, a double- +barrelled fowling-piece, load both barrels with extra quantities of +powder, introduce a ball and two wads into each barrel, place the +breech within 4 628/1000 inches of the abdomen, and take care to +fire both barrels at once. In this case, the balls will give an +example of the action of the forty thousand square miles of +territory, and the person experimenting will not fail to imitate the +impulsion, or the backward movement of the earth." + +"While I do not deny that such an experiment would be likely to set +both parties in motion, friend Reasono, I do not see why the 'arth +should not finally stop, as the man would be sure to do, after he +had got through with hopping, and kicking, and swearing." + +"The reason why the earth, once set in motion in vacuum, does not +stop, can also be elucidated by experiment, as follows:--Take +Captain Noah Poke, provided as he is by nature with legs and the +power of motion; lead him to the Place Vendome; cause him to pay +three sous, which will gain him admission to the base of the column; +let him ascend to the summit; thence let him leap with all his +energy, in a direction at right angles with the shaft of the column, +into the open air; and it will be found that, though the original +impulsion would not probably impel the body more than ten or twelve +feet, motion would continue until it had reached the earth. +Corollary: hence it is proved that all bodies in which the vis +inertia has been overcome will continue in motion, until they come +in contact with some power capable of stopping them." + +"King!--Do you not think, Mr. Reasono, that the 'arth makes its +circuit, as much owing to this said steam of yours shoving, as it +were, always a little on one side, acting thereby in some fashion as +a rudder, which causes her to keep waring as we seamen call it, and +as big crafts take more room than small ones in waring, why, she is +compelled to run so many millions of miles, before, as it were, she +comes up to the wind ag'in? Now, there is reason in such an idee; +whereas, I never could reconcile it to my natur', that these little +bits of stars should keep a craft like the 'arth in her course, with +such a devil of a way on her, as we know in reason she must have, to +run so far in a twelvemonth. Why, the smallest yaw--and, for a +hooker of her keel, a thousand miles wouldn't be a broader yaw than +a hundred feet in a ship--the smallest yaw would send her aboard of +the Jupiter, or the Marcury, when there would be a smashing of out- +board work such as mortal never before witnessed!" + +"We rather lean to the opinion of the efficacy of attraction, sir; +nor do I see that your proposition would at all obviate your own +objection." + +"Then, sir, I will just explain myself. Let us suppose there was a +steamer with a hundred miles of keel; let us suppose the steam up, +and the craft with a broad offing; let us suppose her helm lash'd +hard aport, and she going at the rate of ten thousand knots the +hour, without bringing up or shortening sail for years at a time. +Now, all this being admitted, what would be her course? Why, sir, +any child could tell you, she would keep turning in a circle of some +fifty or a hundred thousand miles in circumference; and such, it +appears to me, it is much more rational to suppose is the natur' of +the 'arth's traversing, than all this steering small among stars and +attractions." + +"There is truly something very plausible, Captain Poke, in your +suggestion; and I propose that you shall profit by the first +occasion to lay your opinions on the subject, more at large, before +the Academy of Leaphigh." + +"With all my heart, Doctor; for I hold that knowledge, like good +liquor, is given to be passed round from one to another, and not to +be gulped in a corner by any particular individle. And now I'm +throwing out hints of this natur' I will just intimate another that +you may add to your next demonstration, by way of what you call a +corollary; which is this--that is to say--if all you tell us about +the bursting of the boiler, and the polar kick be true, then is the +'arth the first steamboat that was ever invented, and the boastings +of the French, and the English, and the Spaniards, and the Italians, +on this point, are no more than so much smoke." + +"And of the Americans, too, Captain Poke," I ventured to observe. + +"Why, Sir John, that is as it may happen. I don't well see how +Fulton could have stolen the idee, seeing that he did not know the +Doctor, and most probably never heard of Leaphigh in his life." + +We all smiled, even to the amiable Chatterissa, at the nicety of the +navigator's distinctions; and the philosopher's lecture, in its more +didactic form, being now virtually at an end, a long and desultory +conversation took place, in which a multitude of ingenious questions +were put by Captain Poke and myself, and which were as cleverly +answered by the Doctor and his friends. + +At length, Dr. Reasono, who, philosopher as he was, and much as he +loved science, had not given himself all this trouble without a view +to what are called ulterior considerations, came out with a frank +expose of his wishes. Accident had apparently combined all the means +for gratifying the burning desire I betrayed to be let into further +details of the monikin polity, morals, philosophy, and all the other +great social interests of the part of the world they inhabit. I was +wealthy beyond bounds, and the equipment of a proper vessel would be +an expenditure of no moment; both the Doctor and Lord Chatterino +were good practical geographers, after they were once within the +parallel of 77 degrees south, and Captain Poke, according to his own +account of himself, had passed half his life in poking about among +the sterile and uninhabited islands of the frozen ocean. What was +there to prevent the most earnest wishes of all present from being +gratified? The captain was out of employment, and no doubt would be +glad to get the command of a good tight sea-boat; the strangers +pined for home, and it was my most ardent wish to increase my stake +in society, by taking a further interest in monikins. + +On this hint, I frankly made a proposal to the old sealer to +undertake the task of restoring these amiable and enlightened +strangers to their own firesides and families. The Captain soon +began to discover a little of his Stunin'tun propensity; for the +more I pressed the matter on him, the more readily he found +objections. The several motives he urged for declining the proposal, +may be succinctly given as follows:-- + +It was true that he wanted employment, but then he wanted to see +Stunin'tun too; he doubted whether monkeys would make good sailors; +it was no joke to run in among the ice, and it might be still less +of one to find our way back again; he had seen the bodies of dead +seals and bears that were frozen as hard as stone, and which might, +for anything he knew, have lain in that state a hundred years, and, +for his part, he should like to be buried when he was good for +nothing else. How did he know these monikins might not catch the +men, when they had once fairly got them in their country, and strip +them, and make them throw summersets, as the Savoyards had compelled +the Doctor, and even the Lady Chatterissa to do?--he knew he should +break his neck the very first flap-jack; if he were ten years +younger, perhaps he should like the frolic; he did not believe the +right sort of craft could be found in England, and for his part, he +liked sailing under the stars and stripes; he didn't know but he +might go if he had a crew of Stunin'tunners; he always knew how to +get along with such people; he could scare one by threatening to +tell his marm how he behaved, and bring another to reason by hinting +that the gals would shy him if he wasn't more accommodating; then +there might be no such place as Leaphigh, after all; or, if there +was, he might never find it; as for wearing a bison-skin under the +equator, it was quite out of the question, a human skin being a +heavy load to carry in the calm latitudes; and finally that he +didn't exactly see what he was to get by it. + +These objections were met, one by one, reversing the order in which +they were made, and commencing with the last. + +I offered a thousand pounds sterling as the reward. This proposal +brought a gleam of satisfaction into Noah's eyes, though he shook +his head, as if he thought it very little. It was then suggested +that there was no doubt we should discover certain islands that were +well stored with seals, and that I would waive all claims as owner, +and that hereafter he might turn these discoveries to his own +private account. At this bait he nibbled, and, at one time, I +thought he was about to suffer himself to be caught. But he remained +obstinate. After trying all our united rhetoric, and doubling the +amount of the pecuniary offer, Dr. Reasono luckily bethought him of +the universal engine of human weakness, and the old sealer, who had +resisted money--an influence of known efficacy at Stunin'tun-- +ambition, the secret of new sealing grounds, and all the ordinary +inducements that might be thought to have weight with men of his +class, was, in the end, hooked by his own vanity! + +The philosopher cunningly expatiated on the pleasure there would be +in reading a paper before the Academy of Leaphigh, on the subject of +the captain's peculiar views touching the earth's annual revolution, +and of the virtue of sailing planets, with their helms lashed hard +aport, when all the dogmatical old navigator's scruples melted away +like snow in a thaw. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +A CHAPTER OF PREPARATIONS--DISCRIMINATION IN CHARACTER--A TIGHT FIT, +AND OTHER CONVENIENCES, WITH SOME JUDGMENT. + + +I shall pass lightly over the events of the succeeding month. During +this time, the whole party were transferred to England, a proper +ship had been bought and equipped, the family of strangers were put +in quiet possession of their cabins, and I had made all ray +arrangements for being absent from England for the next two years. +The vessel was a stout-built, comfortable ship of about three +hundred tons burden, and had been properly constructed to encounter +the dangers of the ice. Her accommodations were suitably arranged to +meet all the exigencies of both monikin and human wants, the +apartments of the ladies being very properly separated from those of +the gentlemen, and otherwise rendered decorous and commodious. The +Lady Chatterissa very pleasantly called their private room the +gynecee, which, as I afterwards ascertained, was a term for the +women's apartment, obtained from the Greek, the monikins being quite +as much addicted as we are ourselves, to showing their acquirements +by the introduction of words from foreign tongues. + +Noah showed great care in the selection of the ship's company, the +service being known to be arduous, and the duties of a very +responsible character. For this purpose, he made a journey expressly +to Liverpool (the ship lying in the Greenland Dock at London), where +he was fortunate enough to engage five Yankees, as many Englishmen, +two Norwegians, and a Swede, all of whom had been accustomed to +cruising as near the poles as ordinary men ever succeeded in +reaching. He was also well suited in his cook and mates; but I +observed that he had great difficulty in finding a cabin-boy to his +mind. More than twenty applicants were rejected, some for the want +of one qualification, and some for the want of another. As I was +present at several examinations of different candidates for the +office, I got a little insight into his manner of ascertaining their +respective merits. + +The invariable practice was, first, to place a bottle of rum and a +pitcher of water before the lad, and to order him to try his hand at +mixing a glass of grog. Four applicants were incontinently rejected +for manifesting a natural inaptitude at hitting the juste milieu, in +this important part of the duty of a cabin-boy. Most of the +candidates, however, were reasonably expert in the art; and the +captain soon came to the next requisite, which was, to say "Sir," in +a tone, as Noah expressed it, somewhere between the snap of a steel- +trap and the mendicant whine of a beggar. Fourteen were rejected for +deficiencies on this score, the captain remarking that most of them +"were the sa'ciest blackguards" he had ever fallen in with. When he +had, at length, found one who could mix a tumbler of grog, and +answer "Sir," to his liking, he proceeded to make experiments on +their abilities in carrying a soup-tureen over a slushed plank; in +wiping plates without a napkin, and without using their shirt- +sleeves; in snuffing candles with their fingers; in making a soft +bed with few materials besides boards; in mixing the various +compounds of burgoo, lobscouse, and dough, (which he affectedly +pronounced duff); in fattening pigs on beef-bones, and ducks on the +sweepings of the deck; in looking at molasses without licking his +lips; and in various other similar accomplishments, which he +maintained were as familiar to the children of Stunin'tun, as their +singing-books and the ten commandments. The nineteenth candidate, to +my uninstructed eyes, seemed perfect; but Noah rejected him for the +want of a quality that he declared was indispensable to the quiet of +the ship. It appeared that he was too bony about an essential part +of his anatomy, a peculiarity that was very dangerous to a captain, +as he himself was once so unfortunate as to put his great toe out of +joint, by kicking one of those ill-formed youngsters with +unpremeditated violence; a thing that was very apt to happen to a +man in a hurry. Luckily, No. twenty passed, and was immediately +promoted to the vacant berth. The very next day the ship put to sea, +in good condition, and with every prospect of a fortunate voyage. + +I will here state that a general election occurred the week before +we sailed; and I ran down to Householder and got myself returned, in +order to protect the interests of those who had a natural right to +look up to me for that small favor. + +We discharged the pilot when we had the Scilly Islands over the +taffrail, and Mr. Poke took command of the vessel in good earnest. +Coming down channel, he had done little more than rummage about in +the cabin, examine the lockers, and make his foot acquainted with +the anatomy of poor Bob, as the cabin-boy was called; who, judging +from the amount of the captain's practice, was admirably well suited +for his station, in the great requisite of a kickee. But, the last +hold of the land loosened by the departure of the pilot, our +navigator came forth in his true colors, and showed the stuff of +which he was really made. The first thing he did was to cause a pull +to be made on every halyard, bowline, and brace in the ship; he then +rattled off both mates, in order to show them (as he afterwards told +me in confidence) that he was captain of his own vessel; gave the +people to understand he did not like to speak twice on the same +subject and on the same occasion, which he said was a privilege he +very willingly left to Congressmen and women; and then he appeared +satisfied with himself and all around him. + +A week after we had taken our departure, I ventured to ask Captain +Poke if it might not be well enough to take an observation, and to +resort to some means in order to know where the ship was. Noah +treated this idea with great disrespect. He could see no use in +wearing out quadrants without any necessity for it. Our course was +south, we knew, for we were bound to the south pole; all we had to +do was to keep America on the starboard, and Africa on the larboard +hand. To be sure, there was something to be said about the trades, +and a little allowance to be made for currents now and then; but he +and the ship would get to be better acquainted before a great while, +and then all would go on like clockwork. A few days after this +conversation, I was on deck just as day dawned, and to my surprise +Noah, who was in his berth, called out to the mate, through the +skylight, to let him know exactly how the land bore. No one had yet +seen any land; but at this summons we began to look about us, and +sure enough there was an island dimly visible on the eastern board! +Its position by compass was immediately communicated to the captain, +who seemed well satisfied with the result. Renewing his admonition +to the officer of the deck to take care and keep Africa on the +larboard hand, he turned over in his bed to resume his nap. + +I afterwards understood from the mates, that we had made a very +capital fall upon the trades, and that we were getting on +wonderfully well, though it was quite as great a mystery to them as +it was to me, how the captain could know where the ship was; for he +had not touched his quadrant, except to wipe it with a silk +handkerchief, since we left England. About a fortnight after we had +passed the Cape de Verds, Noah came on deck in a great rage, and +began to storm at the mate and the man at the wheel for not keeping +the ship her course. To this the former answered with spirit, that +the only order he had received in a fortnight, was "to keep her +jogging south, allowing for variation," and that she was heading at +that moment according to orders. Hereupon, Noah gave Bob, who +happened to pass him just then, a smart application a posteriori, +and swore "that the compass was as big a fool as the mate; that the +ship was two points off her course; that south was hereaway, and not +thereaway; that he knew by the feel of the wind that it had no +northin' in it, and we had got it away on the quarter, whereas it +ought to be for'ard of the beam; that we were running for Rio +instead of Leaphigh, and that if we ever expected to get to the +latter country, we must haul up on a good taut bowline." The mate, +to my surprise, suddenly acquiesced, and immediately brought the +ship by the wind. He afterwards told me, in a half-whisper, that the +second mate having been sharpening some harpoons, had unwittingly +left them much too close to the binnacle; and that, in fact, the +magnet had been attracted by them, so as to deceive the man at the +wheel and himself, fully twenty degrees as to the real points of the +compass. I must say this little occurrence greatly encouraged me, +leaving no doubt about our eventual and safe arrival as far, at +least, as the boundary of ice which separates the human from the +monikin region. Profiting by this feeling of security, I now began +to revive the intercourse with the strangers, which had been +partially interrupted by the novel and disagreeable circumstances of +a sea life. + +The Lady Chatterissa and her companion, as is much the case with +females at sea, rarely left the gynecee; but as we drew near the +equator, the philosopher and the young peer passed most of their +time on deck, or aloft. Dr. Reasono and I spent half of the mild +nights in discussing subjects connected with my future travels; and +as soon as we were well clear of the rain and the thunder and +lightning of the calm latitudes, Captain Poke, Robert, and myself +began to study the language of Leaphigh. The cabin-boy was included +in this arrangement, Noah intimating we should find it convenient to +take him on shore with us, since a wish to conceal my destination +had induced me to bring no servant along. Luckily for us, the +monikin ingenuity had greatly diminished the labor of the +acquisition. The whole language was spoken and written on a system +of decimals, which rendered it particularly easy, after the +elementary principles were once acquired. Thus, unlike most human +tongues, in which the rule usually forms the exception, no departure +from its laws was ever allowed, under the penalty of the pillory. +This provision, the captain protested, was the best rule of them +all, and saved a vast deal of trouble; for, as he knew by +experience, a man might be a perfect adept in the language of +Stunin'tun, and then be laughed at in New York for his pains. The +comprehensiveness of the tongue was also another great advantage; +though, like all other eminent advantages or excessive good, it was +the next-door neighbor to as great an evil. Thus, as my Lord +Chatterino obligingly explained, "we-witch-it-me-cum" means "Madam, +I love you from the crown of my head to the tip of my tail; and as I +love no other half as well, it would make me the happiest monikin on +earth, if you would consent to become my wife, that we might be +models of domestic propriety before all eyes, from this time +henceforth and forever." In short, it was the usual and most solemn +expression for asking in marriage; and, by the laws of the land, was +binding on the proposer until as formally declined by the other +party. But, unluckily, the word "we-switch-it-me-cum" means "Madam, +I love you from the crown of my head to the tip of my tail; and, if +I did not love another better, it would make me the happiest monikin +on earth, if you would consent to become my wife, that we might be +models of domestic propriety before all eyes, from this time +henceforth and forever." Now this distinction, subtle and +insignificant as it was to the eye and the ear, caused a vast deal +of heart-burning and disappointment among the young people of +Leaphigh. Several serious lawsuits had grown out of this cause, and +two great political parties had taken root in the unfortunate +mistake of a young monikin of quality, who happened to lisp, and who +used the fatal word indiscreetly. That feud, however, was now +happily appeased, having lasted only a century, but it would be +wise, as we were all three bachelors, to take note of the +distinction. Captain Poke said he thought, on the whole, he was +perfectly safe, as he was much accustomed to the use of the word +"switchel"; but he thought it might be very well to go before some +consul as soon as the ship anchored, and enter a formal protest of +our ignorance of all these niceties, lest some advantage should be +taken of us by the reptiles of lawyers; that he in particular was +not a bachelor, and that Miss Poke would be as furious as a +hurricane, if by accident, he should happen to forget himself. The +matter was deferred for future deliberation. + +About this time, too, I had some more interesting communications +with Dr. Reasono, on the subject of the private histories of all the +party of which he was the principal member. It would seem that the +philosopher, though rich in learning, and the proprietor of one of +the best developed caudce in the entire monikin world, was poor in +the more vulgar attributes of monikin wealth. While he bestowed +freely, therefore, from the stores of his philosophy, and through +the medium of the academy of Leaphigh, on all his fellows, he was +obliged to seek an especial recipient for his surplus knowledge, in +the shape of a pupil, in order to provide for the small remains of +the animal that still lingered in his habits. Lord Chatterino, the +orphan heritor of one of the noblest and wealthiest, as well as one +of the most ancient houses of Leaphigh, had been put under his +instruction at a very tender age, as had my Lady Chatterissa under +that of Mrs. Lynx, with very much the same objects. This young and +accomplished pair had early distinguished each other, in monikin +society, for their unusual graces of person, general attainments, +mutual amiableness of disposition, harmony of thought, and soundness +of principles. Everything was propitious to the gentle flame which +was kindled in the vestal bosom of Chatterissa, and which was met by +a passion so ardent and so respectful, as that which glowed in the +heart of young No. 8 purple. The friends of the respective parties, +so soon as the budding sympathy between them was observed, in order +to prevent the blight of wishes so appropriate, had called in the +aid of the matrimonial surveyor-general of Leaphigh, an officer +especially appointed by the king in council, whose duty it is to +take cognizance of the proprieties of all engagements that are +likely to assume a character as grave and durable as that of +marriage. Dr. Reasono showed me the certificate issued from the +Marriage Department on this occasion, and which, in all his +wanderings, he had contrived to conceal within the lining of the +Spanish hat the Savoyards had compelled him to wear, and which he +still preserved as a document that was absolutely indispensable on +his return to Leaphigh; else he would never be permitted to travel +afoot in company with two young people of birth and of good estates, +who were of the different sexes. I translate the certificate, as +literally as the poverty of the English language will allow. + +Extract from the Book of Fitness, Marriage Department, Leaphigh, +season of nuts, day of brightness. + +Vol. 7243, p. 82. + +Lord Chatterino: Domains; 126,952 3/4 acres of land; meadow, arable +and wood in just proportions. + +Lady Chatterissa: Domains; 115,999 1/2 acres of land; mostly arable. + +Decree, as of record; it is found that the lands of my Lady +Chatterissa possess in quality what they want in quantity. + +Lord Chatterino: Birth; sixteen descents pure; one bastardy--four +descents pure--a suspicion--one descent pure--a certainty. + +Lady Chatterissa: Birth; six descents pure--three bastardies--eleven +descents pure--a certainty--a suspicion--unknown. + +Decree as of record; it is found that the advantage is on the side +of my Lord Chatterino, but the excellence of the estate on the other +side is believed to equalize the parties. + +(Signed) No. 6 ermine. A true copy. + +(Counter signed) No. 1,000,003 ink-color. + +Ordered, that the parties make the Journey of Trial together, under +the charge of Socrates Reasono, Professor of Probabilities in the +University of Leaphigh, LL.D., F. U. D. G. E., and of Mrs. Vigilance +Lynx, licensed duenna. + +The Journey of Trial is so peculiar to the monikin system, and it +might be so usefully introduced into our own, that it may be well to +explain it. Whenever it is found that a young couple are agreeable +(to use a peculiar anglicized anglicism), in all the more essential +requisites of matrimony, they are sent on the journey in question, +under the care of prudent and experienced mentors, with a view to +ascertain how far they may be able to support, in each other's +society, the ordinary vicissitudes of life. In the case of +candidates of the more vulgar classes, there are official overseers, +who usually drag them through a few mud-puddles, and then set them +to work at some hard labor that is especially profitable to the +public functionaries, who commonly get the greater part of their own +year's work done in this manner. But, as the moral provisions of all +laws are invented less for those who own 126,952 3/4 acres of land, +divided into meadow, arable and wood, in just proportions, than for +those whose virtues are more likely to yield to the fiery ordeal of +temptation, the rich and noble, after making a proper and useful +manifestation of their compliance with the usage, ordinarily retire +to their country seats, where they pass the period of probation as +agreeably as they can; taking care to cause to be inserted in the +Leaphigh gazette, however, occasional extracts from their letters +describing the pains and hardships they are compelled to endure for +the consolation and edification of those who have neither birth nor +country houses. In a good many instances the journey is actually +performed by proxy But the case of my Lord Chatterino and my Lady +Chatterissa formed an exception even to these exceptions. It was +thought by the authorities that the attachment of a pair so +illustrious offered a good occasion to distinguish the Leaphigh +impartiality; and on the well-known principle which induces us +sometimes to hang an earl in England, the young couple were +commanded actually to go forth with all useful eclat (secret orders +being given to their guardians to allow every possible indulgence, +at the same time), in order that the lieges might see and exult in +the sternness and integrity of their rulers. + +Dr. Reasono had accordingly taken his departure from the capital for +the mountains, where he instructed his wards in a practical +commentary of the ups and downs of life, by exposing them on the +verges of precipices and in the delights of the most fertile valleys +(which, as he justly observed, was the greater danger of the two), +leading them over flinty paths, hungry and cold, in order to try +their tempers; and setting up establishments with the most awkward +peasants for servants, to ascertain the depth of Chatterissa's +philosophy; with a variety of similar ingenious devices, that will +readily suggest themselves to all who have any matrimonial +experience, whether they live in palaces or cottages. When this part +of the trial was successfully terminated (the result having shown +that the gentle Chatterissa was of proof, so far as mere temper was +concerned), the whole party were ordered off to the barrier of ice, +which divides the monikin from the human region, with a view to +ascertain whether the warmth of their attachment was of a nature +likely to resist the freezing collisions of the world. Here, +unfortunately, (for the truth must be said), an unlucky desire of +Dr. Reasono, who was already F. U. D. G. E., but who had a devouring +ambition to become also M. O. R. E., led him into the extreme +imprudence of pushing through an opening, where he had formerly +discovered an island, on an ancient expedition of the same sort; and +on which island he thought he saw a rock, that formed a stratum of +what he believed to be a portion of the forty thousand square miles +that were discomposed by the great eruption of the earth's boiler. +The philosopher foresaw a thousand interesting results that were +dependent on the ascertaining of this important fact; for all the +learning of Leaphigh having been exhausted, some five hundred years +before, in establishing the greatest distance to which any fragment +had been thrown on that memorable occasion, great attention had +latterly been given to the discovery of the least distance any +fragment had been hurled. Perhaps I ought to speak tenderly of the +consequences of a learned zeal, but it was entirely owing to this +indiscretion that the whole party fell into the hands of certain +mariners who were sealing on the northern shores of this very +island, (friends and neighbors, as it afterwards appeared, of +Captain Poke), who remorselessly seized upon the travellers, and +sold them to a homeward-bound India-man, which they afterwards fell +in with near the island of St. Helena--St. Helena! the tomb of him +who is a model to all posterity, for the moderation of his desires, +the simplicity of his character, a deep veneration for truth, +profound reverence for justice, unwavering faith, and a clear +appreciation of all the nobler virtues. + +We came in sight of the island in question, just as Dr. Reasono +concluded his interesting narrative; and, turning to Captain Poke, I +solemnly asked that discerning and shrewd seaman,-- + +"If he did not think the future would fully avenge itself of the +past--if history would not do ample justice to the mighty dead--if +certain names would not be consigned to everlasting infamy for +chaining a hero to a rock; and whether HIS country, the land of +freemen, would ever have disgraced itself, by such an act of +barbarism and vengeance?" + +The captain heard me very calmly; then deliberately helping himself +to some tobacco, he replied,-- + +"Harkee, Sir John. At Stunin'tun, when we catch a ferocious +critter', we always put it in a cage. I'm no great mathematician, as +I've often told you; if my dog bites me once, I kick him--twice, I +beat him--thrice, I chain him." + +Alas! there are minds so unfortunately constituted, that they have +no sympathies with the sublime. All their tendencies are direct and +common-sense like. To such men, Napoleon appears little better than +one who lived among his fellows more in the character of a tiger +than in that of a man. They condemn him because he could not reduce +his own sense of the attributes of greatness to the level of their +home-bred morality. Among this number, it would now seem, was to be +classed Captain Noah Poke. + +A wish to relate the manner in which Dr. Reasono and his companions +fell into human hands, has caused me to overlook one or two matters +of lighter moment, that should not, in justice to myself, however, +be entirely omitted. + +When we had been at sea two days, a very agreeable surprise for the +monikin party was prepared and executed. I had caused a certain +number of jackets and trousers to be made of the skins of different +animals, such as dogs, cats, sheep, tigers, leopards, hogs, etc., +etc., with the proper accompaniments of snouts, hoofs, and claws; +and, when the ladies came on deck, after breakfast, their eyes were +no longer offended by our rude innovations upon nature, but the +whole crew were flying about the rigging, like so many animals of +the different species named. Noah and myself appeared in the +characters of sea-lions, the former having intimated that he +understood the nature of that beast better than any other. Of +course, this delicate attention was properly appreciated, and +handsomely acknowledged. + +I had taken the precaution to order imitation-skins to be made of +cotton, which were worn in the low latitudes; and, as we got near +the Falkland Islands, the real skins were resumed, with promptitude, +and I might add, with pleasure. + +Noah had, at first, raised some strong objections to the scheme, +saying that he should not feel safe in a ship manned and officered +altogether by wild beasts; but, at last, he came to enjoy the thing +as a good joke, never failing to hail the men, not by their names as +formerly, but, as he expressed it himself, "by their natur's"; +calling out "You cat, scratch this"; "You tiger, jump here"; "You +hog, out of that dirt"'; "You dog, scamper there"; "You horse, haul +away," and divers other similar conceits, that singularly tickled +his fancy. The men themselves took up the ball, which they kept +rolling, embellished with all sorts of nautical witticisms; their +surname--they had but one, viz. Smith--being entirely dropped for +the new appellations. Thus, the sounds of "Tom Dog," "Jack Cat," +"Bill Tiger," "Sam Hog," and "Dick Horse," were flying about the +deck from morning to night. + +Good humor is a great alleviator of bodily privation. From the time +the ship lost sight of Staten Land, we had heavy weather, with hard +gales from the southward and westward; and we had the utmost +difficulty in making our southing. Observations now became a very +difficult matter, the sun being invisible for a week at a time. The +marine instinct of Noah, at this crisis, was of the last importance +to all on board. He gave us the cheering assurance, however, from +time to time, that we were going south, although the mates declared +that they knew not where the ship was, or whither she was running; +neither sun, moon, nor star having now been seen for more than a +week. + +We had been in this state of anxiety and doubt for about a +fortnight, when Captain Poke suddenly appeared on deck, and called +for the cabin-boy, in his usual stentorian and no-denial voice, by +the name of "You Bob Ape"; for the duty of Robert requiring that he +should be much about the persons of the monikins, I had given him a +dress of apes' skins, as a garb that would be more congenial to +their tastes than that of a pig, or a weasel. Bob Ape was soon +forthcoming, and, as he approached his master, he quietly turned his +face from him, receiving, as a matter of course, three or four smart +admonitory hints, by way of letting him know that he was to be +active in the performance of the duty on which he was about to be +sent. On this occasion I made an odd discovery. Bob had profited by +the dimensions of his lower garment, which had been cut for a much +larger boy (one of those who had broken down in essaying the true +Doric of "Sir"), by stuffing it with an old union-jack-a sort of +"sarvice," as he afterwards told me, that saved him a good deal of +wear and tear of skin. To return to passing events, however; when +Robert had been duly kicked, he turned about manfully, and demanded +the captain's pleasure. He was told to bring the largest and fairest +pumpkin he could find, from the private stores of Mr. Poke, that +navigator never going to sea without a store of articles that he +termed "Stunin'tun food." The captain took the pumpkin between his +legs, and carefully peeled off the whole of its greenish-yellow +coat, leaving it a globe of a whitish color. He then asked for the +tar-bucket, and, with his fingers, traced various marks, which were +pretty accurate outlines of the different continents and the larger +islands of the world. The region near the south pole, however, he +left untouched; intimating that it contained certain sealing +islands, which he considered pretty much as the private property of +the Stunin'tunners. + +"Now, Doctor," he said, pointing to the pumpkin, "there is the +'arth, and here is the tar-pot--just mark down the position of your +island of Leaphigh, if you please, according to the best accounts +your academy has of the matter. Make a dab here and there, if you +happen to know of any rocks and shoals. After that, you can lay down +the island where you were captured, giving a general idee of its +headlands and of the trending of the coast." + +Dr. Reasono took a fid, and with its end he traced all the desired +objects with great readiness and skill. Noah examined the work, and +seemed satisfied that he had fallen into the hands of a monikin who +had very correct notions of bearings and distances, one, in short, +on whose local knowledge it might do to run even in the night. He +then projected the position of Stunnin'tun, an occupation in which +he took great delight, actually designing the meeting-house and the +principal tavern; after which, the chart was laid aside. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +HOW TO STEER SMALL--HOW TO RUN THE GAUNTLET WITH A SHIP--HOW TO GO +CLEAR--A NEW-FASHIONED SCREW--DOCK, AND CERTAIN MILE-STONES. + + +Captain Poke no longer deliberated about the course we were to +steer. With his pumpkin for a chart, his instinct for an +observation, and his nose for a compass, the sturdy sealer stood +boldly to the southward; or, at least, he ran dead before a stiff +gale, which, as he more than once affirmed, was as true a norther as +if bred and born in the Canadas. + +After coursing over the billows at a tremendous rate for a day and a +night, the captain appeared on deck, with a face of unusual meaning, +and a mind loaded with its own reflections, as was proved by his +winking knowingly whenever he delivered himself of a sentiment; a +habit that he had most probably contracted, in early youth, at +Stunin'tun, for it seemed to be quite as inveterate as it was +thoroughbred. + +"We shall soon know, Sir John," he observed, hitching the sea-lion +skin into symmetry, "whether it is sink or swim!" + +"Pray explain yourself, Mr. Poke," cried I, in a little alarm. "If +anything serious is to happen, you are bound to give timely notice." + +"Death is always untimely to some critturs, Sir John." + +"Am I to understand, sir, that you mean to cast away the ship?" + +"Not if I can help it, Sir John; but a craft that is foreordained to +be a wrack, will be a wrack, in spite of reefing and bracing. Look +ahead, you Dick Lion--ay, there you have it!" + +There we had it, sure enough! I can only compare the scene which now +met my eyes, to a sudden view of the range of the Oberland Alps, +when the spectator is unexpectedly placed on the verge of the +precipice of the Weissenstein. There he would see before him a +boundless barrier of glittering ice, broken into the glorious and +fantastic forms of pinnacles, walls, and valleys; while here, we saw +all that was sublime in such a view heightened by the fearful action +of the boisterous ocean, which beat upon the impassable boundary in +ceaseless violence. + +"Good God! Captain Poke," I exclaimed, the instant I caught a +glimpse of the formidable danger that menaced us, "you surely do not +mean to continue madly on, with such a warning of the consequences +in plain view?" + +"What would you have, Sir John? Leaphigh lies on the t'other side of +these ice-islands!" + +"But you need not run the ship against them--why not go round them?" + +"Because they go round the 'arth, in this latitude. Now is the time +to speak, Sir John. If we are bound to Leaphigh, we have the choice +of three pretty desperate chances; to go through, to go under, or to +go over that there ice. If we are to put back, there is not a moment +to lose, for it may be even now questioned whether the ship would +claw off, as we are, with a sending sea, and this heavy norther." + +I believe I would, at that moment, gladly have given up all my +social stakes to be well rid of the adventure. Still pride, that +substitute for so many virtues, the greatest and the most potent of +all hypocrites, forbade my betraying the desire to retreat. I +deliberated, while the ship flew; and when, at length, I turned to +the captain to suggest a doubt that might, at an earlier notice, +possibly have changed the whole aspect of affairs, he bluntly told +me it was too late. It was safer to proceed than to return, if +indeed, return were possible, in the present state of the winds and +waves. Making a merit of necessity, I braced my nerves to meet the +crisis, and remained a submissive, and, apparently, a calm spectator +of that which followed. + +The Walrus (such was the name of our good ship) by this time was +under easy canvas, and yet, urged by the gale, she rolled down with +alarming velocity towards the boundary of foam where the congealed +and the still liquid element held their strife. The summits of the +frozen crags waved in their glittering glory in a way just to show +that they were afloat; and I remembered to have heard that, at +times, as their bases melted, entire mountains had been known to +roll over, engulfing all that lay beneath. To me it seemed but a +moment, before the ship was fairly overshadowed by these shining +cliffs, which, gently undulating, waved their frozen summits nearly +a thousand feet in air. I looked at Noah, in alarm, for it appeared +to me that he intentionally precipitated us to destruction. But, +just as I was about to remonstrate, he made a sign with his hand, +and the vessel was brought to the wind. Still retreat was +impossible; for the heave of the sea was too powerful, and the wind +too heavy, to leave us any hope of long keeping the Walrus from +drifting down upon the ragged peaks that bristled in icy glory to +leeward. Nor did Captain Poke himself seem to entertain any such +design; for, instead of hugging the gale, in order to haul off from +the danger, he had caused the yards to be laid perfectly square, and +we were now running, at a great rate, in a line nearly parallel with +the frozen coast, though gradually setting upon it. + +"Keep full! Let her go through water, you Jim Tiger," said the old +sealer, whose professional ardor was fairly aroused. "Now, Sir John, +unluckily, we are on the wrong side of these ice mountains, for the +plain reason that Leaphigh lies to the south'ard of them. We must be +stirring, therefore, for no craft that was ever launched could keep +off these crags with such a gale driving home upon them, for more +than an hour or two. Our great concern, at present, is to look out +for a hole to run into." + +"Why have you come so close to the danger, with your knowledge of +the consequences?" + +"To own the truth, Sir John, natur' is natur', and I'm getting to be +a little near-sighted as I grow old; besides, I'm not so sartain +that the danger is the more dangerous, for taking a good, steady +look plump in its face." + +Noah raised his hand, as much as to say he wished no answer, and +both of us were immediately occupied in gazing anxiously to leeward. +The ship was just opening a small cove in the ice, which might have +been a cable's length in depth, and a quarter of a mile across its +outer, or the widest part. Its form was regular, being that of a +semicircle; but, at its bottom, the ice, instead of forming a +continued barrier, like all the rest we had yet passed, was +separated by a narrow opening, that was bounded on each side by a +frowning precipice. The two bergs were evidently drawing nearer to +each other, but there was still a strait, or a watery gorge between +them, of some two hundred feet in width. As the ship plunged onward, +the pass was opened, and we caught a glimpse of the distant view to +leeward. It was merely a glimpse--the impatient Walrus allowing us +but a moment for examination--but it appeared sufficient for the +purposes of the old sealer. We were already across the mouth of the +cove, and within a cable's length of the ice again; for as we drew +near what may be called the little cape, we found ourselves once +more in closer proximity to the menacing mountain. It was a moment +when all depended on decision; and fortunately, our sealer, who was +so wary and procrastinating in a bargain, never had occasion to make +two drafts on his thoughts, in situations of emergency. As the ship +cleared the promontory on the eastern side of the cove, we again +opened a curvature of the ice, which gave a little more water to +leeward. Tacking was impossible, and the helm was put hard aweather. +The bow of the Walrus fell off, and as she rose on the next wave, I +thought its send would carry us helplessly down upon the berg. But +the good craft, obedient to her rudder, whirled round, as if +sensible herself of the danger, and, in less time than I had ever +before known her to wear, we felt the wind on the other quarter. Our +cats and dogs bestirred themselves, for there was no one there, +Captain Noah Poke excepted, whose heart did not beat quick and hard. +In much less time than usual, the yards were braced up on the other +tack, and the ship was ploughing heavily against the sea, with her +head to the westward. It is impossible to give one who has never +been in such a situation, a just idea of the feverish impatience, +the sinking and mounting of hope, as we watch the crablike movement +of a vessel that is clawing off a lee-shore, in a gale. In the +present case, it being well known that the sea was fathomless, we +had run so near the danger that not even the smallest of its horrors +was veiled from sight. + +While the ship labored along, I saw the clouds fast shutting in to +windward, by the interposition of the promontory of ice--the certain +sign that our drift was rapid--and, as we drew nearer to the point, +breathing became labored and even audible. Here Noah took a chew of +tobacco, I presume on the principle of enjoying a last quid, should +the elements prove fatal; and then he went to the wheel in person. + +"Let her go through the water," he said, easing the helm a little-- +"let her jog ahead, or we shall lose command of her in this devil's- +pot!" + +The vessel felt the slight change, and drew faster through the +foaming brine, bringing us, with increasing velocity, nearer to the +dreaded point. As we came up to the promontory the water fell back +in spray on the decks, and there was an instant when it appeared as +if the wind was about to desert us. Happily the ship had drawn so +far ahead as to feel the good effects of a slight change of current +that was caused by the air rushing obliquely into the cove; and, as +Noah, by easing the helm still more, had anticipated this +alteration, which had been felt adversely but a moment before, while +struggling to the eastward of the promontory, we drew swiftly past +the icy cape, opening the cove handsomely, with the ship's head +falling off fast towards the gorge. + +There was but a minute or two, for squaring the yards and obtaining +the proper position to windward of the narrow strait. Instead of +running down in a direct line for the latter, Captain Poke kept the +ship on such a course as to lay it well open, before her head was +pointed towards the passage. By this time, the two bergs had drawn +so near each other as actually to form an arch across its mouth; and +this, too, at a part so low as to render it questionable whether +there was sufficient elevation to permit the Walrus to pass beneath. +But retreat was impossible, the gale urging the ship furiously +onwards. The width of the passage was now but little more than a +hundred feet, and it actually required the nicest steerage to keep +our yard-arms clear of the opposite precipices, as the vessel +dashed, with foaming bows, into the gorge. The wind drew through the +opening with tremendous violence, fairly howling as if in delight at +discovering a passage by which it might continue its furious career. +We may have been aided by the sucking of the wind and the waves, +both of which were irresistibly drawn towards the pass, or it is +quite probable that the skill of Captain Poke did us good service on +this awful occasion; but, owing to the one or the other, or to the +two causes united, the Walrus shot into the gorge so accurately as +to avoid touching either of the lateral margins of the ice. We were +not so fortunate, however, with the loftier spars; for scarcely was +the vessel beneath the arch, when she lifted on a swell, and her +main-top-gallant-mast snapped off in the cap. The ice groaned and +cracked over our heads, and large fragments fell both ahead and +astern of us, several of them even tumbling upon our decks. One +large piece came down within an inch of the extremity of Dr. +Reasono's tail, just escaping the dire calamity of knocking out the +brains of that profound and philo-monikin philosopher. In another +instant the ship was through the pass, which completely closed, with +the crash of an earthquake, as soon as possible afterwards. + +Still driven by the gale, we ran rapidly towards the south, along a +channel less than a quarter of a mile in width, the bergs evidently +closing on each side of us, and the ship, as if conscious of her +jeopardy, doing her utmost, with Captain Poke still at the wheel. In +a little more than an hour, the worst was over--the Walrus issuing +into an open basin of several leagues in extent, which was, however, +completely encircled by the frozen mountains. Here Noah took a look +at the pumpkin, after which he made no ceremony in plumply telling +Dr. Reasono that he had been greatly mistaken in laying down the +position of Captivity Island, as he himself had named the spot where +the amiable strangers had fallen into human hands. The philosopher +was a little tenacious of his opinion; but what is argument in the +face of facts? Here was the pumpkin, and there were the blue waters! +The captain now quite frankly declared that he had great doubts +whether there was any such place as Leaphigh at all; and as the ship +had a capital position for such an object, he bluntly, though +privately proposed to me, that we should throw all the monikins +overboard, project the entire polar basin on his chart as being +entirely free from islands, and then go a-sealing. I rejected the +propositions, firstly, as premature; secondly, as inhuman; thirdly, +as inhospitable; fourthly, as inconvenient; and lastly, as +impracticable. + +There might have arisen a disagreeable controversy between us on +this point; for Mr. Poke had begun to warm, and to swear that one +good seal, of the true quality of fur, was worth a hundred monkeys; +when most happily the panther at the masthead cried out that two of +the largest mountains, to the southward of us, were separating, and +that he could discern a passage into another basin. Hereupon Captain +Poke concentrated his oaths, which he caused to explode like a bomb, +and instantly made sail again in the proper direction. By three +o'clock, P.M., we had run the gauntlet of the bergs a second time, +and were at least a degree nearer the pole, in the basin just +alluded to. + +The mountains had now entirely disappeared in the southern board; +but the sea was covered, far as the eye could reach, with field-ice. +Noah stood on, without apprehension; for the water had been smooth +ever since we entered the first opening, the wind not having rake +enough to knock up a swell. When about a mile from the margin of the +frozen and seemingly interminable plain, the ship was brought to the +wind, and hove-to. + +Ever since the vessel left the docks, there had been six sets of +spars of a form so singular, lying among the booms, that they had +often been the subject of conversation between the mates and myself, +neither of the former being able to tell their uses. These sticks +were of no great length, some fifteen feet at the most, of sound +English oak. Two or three pairs were alike, for they were in pairs, +each pair having one of the sides of a shape resembling different +parts of the ship's bottom, with the exception that they were +chiefly concave, while the bottom of a vessel is mainly convex. At +one extremity each pair was firmly connected by a short, massive, +iron link, of about two feet in length; and, at its opposite end, a +large eye-bolt was driven into each stick, where it was securely +forelocked. When the Walrus was stationary, we learned, for the +first time, the uses of these unusual preparations. A pair of the +timbers, which were of great solidity and strength, were dropped +over the stern, and, sinking beneath the keel, their upper +extremities were separated by means of lanyards turned into the eye- +bolts. The lanyards were then brought forward to the bilge of the +vessel, where, by the help of tackles, the timbers were rowsed up in +such a manner that the links came close to the false keel, and the +timbers themselves were laid snug against each side of the ship. As +great care had been taken, by means of marks on the vessel, as well +as in forming the skids themselves, the fit was perfect. No less +than five pairs were secured in and near the bilge, and as many more +were distributed forwards and aft, according to the shape of the +bottom. Fore-and-aft pieces, that reached from one skid to the +other, were then placed between those about the bilge of the ship, +each of them having a certain number of short ribs, extending +upwards and downwards. These fore-and-aft pieces were laid along the +waterline, their ends entering the skids by means of mortices and +tenons, where they were snugly bolted. The result of the entire +arrangement was, to give the vessel an exterior protection against +the field-ice, by means of a sort of network of timber, the whole of +which had been so accurately fitted in the dock, as to bear equally +on her frame. These preparations were not fairly completed before +ten o'clock on the following morning, when Noah stood directly for +an opening in the ice before us, which just about that time began to +be apparent. + +"We sha'nt go so fast for our armor," observed the cautious old +sealer; "but what we want in heels, we'll make up in bottom." + +For the whole of that day we worked our devious course, by great +labor and at uncertain intervals, to the southward; and at night we +fastened the Walrus to a floe, in waiting for the return of light. +Just as the day dawned, however, I heard a tremendous grating sound +against the side of the vessel; and rushing on deck, I found that we +were completely caught between two immense fields, which seemed to +be attracted towards each other for no other apparent purpose than +to crush us. Here it was that the expedient of Captain Poke made +manifest its merits. Protected by the massive timbers and false +ribs, the bilge of the ship resisted the pressure; and as, under +such circumstances, something must yield, luckily nothing but the +attraction of gravitation was overcome. The skids, through their +inclination, acted as wedges, the links pressing against the keel; +and in the course of an hour the Walrus was gradually lifted out of +the water, maintaining her upright position, in consequence of the +powerful nip of the floes. No sooner was this experiment handsomely +effected, than Mr. Poke jumped upon the ice, and commenced an +examination of the ship's bottom. + +"Here's a dry-dock for you, Sir John!" exclaimed the old sealer, +chuckling. "I'll have a patent for this, the moment I put foot ag'in +in Stunin'tun." + +A feeling of security, to which I had been a stranger ever since we +entered the ice, was created by the composure of Noah, and by his +self-congratulation at what he called his project to get a look at +the Walrus's bottom. Notwithstanding all the fine declarations of +exultation and success, however, that he flourished among us who +were not mariners, I was much disposed to think that, like other men +of extraordinary genius, he had blundered on the grand result of his +"ice-screws," and that it was not foreseen and calculated. Let this +be as it may, however, all hands were soon on the floe, with brooms, +scrapers, hammers, and nails, and the opportunity of repairing and +cleaning was thoroughly improved. + +For four-and-twenty hours the ship remained in the same attitude, +still as a church, and some of us began to entertain apprehensions +that she might be kept on her frozen blocks forever. The accident +had happened, according to the statements of Captain Poke, in lat. +78 degrees 13' 26"--although I never knew in what manner he +ascertained the important particular of our precise situation. +Thinking it might be well to get some more accurate ideas on this +subject, after so long and ticklish a run, I procured the quadrant +from Bob Ape, and brought it down upon the ice, where I made it a +point, as an especial favor, the weather being favorable and the +proper hour near, that our commander would correct his instinct by a +solar observation. Noah protested that your old seaman, especially +if a sealer and a Stunin'tunner, had no occasion for such geometry +operations, as he termed them; that it might be well enough, perhaps +necessary, for your counting-house, silk-gloved captains, who run +between New York and Liverpool, to be rubbing up their glasses and +polishing their sextants, for they hardly ever knew where they were, +except at such times; but as for himself, he had little need of +turning star-gazer at his time of life, and that as he had already +told me, he was getting to be near-sighted, and had some doubts +whether he could discern an object like the sun, that was known to +be so many thousands of millions of miles from the earth. These +scruples, however, were overcome by my cleaning the glasses, +preparing a barrel for him to stand on, that he might be at the +customary elevation above his horizon, and putting the instrument +into his hands, the mates standing near, ready to make the +calculations when he gave the sun's declination. + +"We are drifting south'ard, I know," said Mr. Poke before he +commenced his sight--"I feel it in my bones. We are at this moment +in 79 degrees 36' 14."--having made a southerly drift of more than +eighty miles since yesterday noon. Now mind my words, and see what +the sun will say about it." + +When the calculations were made, our latitude was found to be 79 +degrees 35' 47". Noah was somewhat puzzled by the difference, for +which he could in no plausible way account, as the observation had +been unusually good and certain. But an opinionated and an ingenious +man is seldom at a loss to find a sufficient reason to establish his +own correctness, or to prove the mistakes of others. + +"Ay, I see how it is," he said, after a little cogitation, "the sun +must be wrong--it should be no wonder if the sun did get a little +out of his track in these high, cold latitudes. Yes, yes; the sun +must be wrong." + +I was too much delighted at being certain we were going on our +course to dispute the point, and the great luminary was abandoned to +the imputation of sometimes being in error. Dr. Reasono took +occasion to say, in my private ear, that there was a sect of +philosophers in Leaphigh, who had long distrusted the accuracy of +the planetary system, and who had even thrown out hints that the +earth, In its annual revolution, moved in a direction absolutely +contrary to that which nature had contemplated when she gave the +original polar impulse; but that, as regarded himself, he thought +very little of these opinions, as he had frequent occasion to +observe that there was a large class of monikins whose ideas always +went uphill. + +For two more days and as many nights, we continued to drift with the +floes to the southward, or as near as might be, towards the haven of +our wishes. On the fourth morning, there was a suitable change in +the weather; both thermometer and barometer rose; the air became +more bland, and most of our cats and dogs, notwithstanding we were +still surrounded by the ice, began to cast their skins. Dr. Reasono +noted these signs, and stepping on the floe, he brought back with +him a considerable fragment of the frozen element. This was carried +to the camboose, where it was subjected to the action of fire, +which, within a given number of minutes, pretty much as a matter of +course, as I thought, caused it to melt. The whole process was +watched with an anxiety the most intense, by the whole of the +monikins, however; and when the result was announced, the amiable +and lovely Chatterissa clapped her pretty little pattes with joy, +and gave all the other natural indications of delight, which +characterize the emotions of that gentle sex of which she was so +bright an ornament. Dr. Reasono was not backwards in explaining the +cause of so much unusual exhilaration, for hitherto her manner had +been characterized by the well-bred and sophisticated restraint +which marks high training. The experiment had shown, by the +infallible and scientific tests of monikin chemistry, that we were +now within the influence of a steam-climate, and there could no +longer be any rational doubt of our eventual arrival in the polar +basin. + +The result proved that the philosopher was right. About noon the +floes, which all that day had begun to assume what is termed a +"sloppy character," suddenly gave way, and the Walrus settled down +into her proper element, with great equanimity and propriety. +Captain Poke lost no time in unshipping the skids; and a smacking +breeze, that was well saturated with steam, springing up from the +westward, we made sail. Our course was due south, without regard to +the ice, which yielded before our bows like so much thick water, and +just as the sun set, we entered the open sea, rioting in the +luxuriance of its genial climate, in triumph. + +Sail was carried on the ship all that night; and just as the day +dawned, we made the first mile-stone, a proof, not to be mistaken, +that we were now actually within the monikin region. Dr. Reasono had +the goodness to explain to us the history of these aquatic +phenomena. It would seem that when the earth exploded, its entire +crust, throughout the whole of this part of the world, was started +upwards in such a way as to give a very uniform depth to the sea, +which in no place exceeds four fathoms. It follows, as a +consequence, that no prevalence of northerly winds can force the +icebergs beyond 78 degrees of south latitude, as they invariably +ground on reaching the outer edge of the polar bank. The floes, +being thin, are melted of course; and thus, by this beneficent +prevention, the monikin world is kept entirely free from the very +danger to which a vulgar mind would be the most apt to believe it is +the most exposed. + +A congress of nations had been held, about five centuries since, +which was called the Holy-philo-marine-safety-and-find-the-way +Alliance. At this congress the high contracting parties agreed to +name a commission to make provision, generally, for the secure +navigation of the seas. One of the expedients of this commission, +which, by the way, is said to have been composed of very illustrious +monikins, was to cause massive blocks of stone to be laid down, at +measured distances, throughout the whole of the basin, and in which +other stone uprights were secured. The necessary inscriptions were +graved on proper tablets, and as we approached the one already +named, I observed that it had the image of a monikin, carved also in +stone, with his tail extended in a right line, pointing, as Mr. Poke +assured me, S. and by W. half W. I had made sufficient progress in +the monikin language to read, as we glided past this watermark--"To +Leaphigh,--15 miles." One monikin mile, however, we were next told, +was equal to nine English statute miles; and, consequently, we were +not so near our port as was at first supposed. I expressed great +satisfaction at finding ourselves so fairly on the road, however, +and paid Dr. Reasono some well-merited compliments on the high state +of civilization to which his species had evidently arrived. The day +was not distant, I added, when it was reasonable to suppose, our own +seas would have floating restaurants and cafes, with suitable pot- +houses for the mariners; though I did not well see how we were to +provide a substitute for their own excellent organization of mile- +stones. The Doctor received my compliments with becoming modesty, +saying that he had no doubt mankind would do all that lay in their +power to have good eating and drinking-houses, whereever they could +be established; but as to the marine milestones, he agreed with me, +that there was little hope of their being planted, until the crust +of the earth should be driven upwards, so as to rise within four +fathoms of the surface of the water. On the other hand, Captain Poke +held this latter improvement very cheap. He affirmed it was no sign +of civilization at all, for, as a man became civilized, he had less +need of primers and finger-boards; and, as for Leaphigh, any +tolerable navigator could see it bore S. by W. half W. allowing for +variation, distant 135 English miles. To these objections I was +silent, for I had frequent occasion to observe that men very often +underrate any advantage of which they have come into the enjoyment +by a providential interposition. + +Just as the sun was in the meridian, the cry of "land ahead" was +heard from aloft. The monikins were all smiles and gratitude; the +crew were excited by admiration and wonder; and as for myself, I was +literally ready to jump out of my skin, not only with delight, but, +in some measure also, from the exceeding warmth of the atmosphere. +Our cats and dogs began to uncase; Bob was obliged to unmask his +most exposed frontier, by removing the union-jack; and Noah himself +fairly appeared on deck in his shirt and night-cap. The amiable +strangers were too much occupied to be particular, and I slipped +into my state-room to change my toilet to a dress of thin silk, that +was painted to resemble the skin of a polar bear--a contradiction +between things that is much too common in our species ever to be +deemed out of fashion. + +We neared the land with great rapidity, impelled by a steam-breeze, +and just as the sun sank in the horizon our anchor was let go, in +the outer harbor of the city of Aggregation. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +AN ARRIVAL--FORMS OF RECEPTION--SEVERAL NEW CHRISTENINGS--AN +OFFICIAL DOCUMENT, AND TERRA FIRMA. + + +It is always agreeable to arrive safe, at the end of a long, +fatiguing, and hazardous journey. But the pleasure is considerably +augmented when the visit is paid to a novel region, with a steam- +climate, and which is peopled by a new species. My own satisfaction, +too was coupled with the reflection that I had been of real service +to four very interesting and well-bred strangers, who had been cast, +by an adverse fortune, into the hands of humanity, and who owed to +me a boon far more precious than life itself--a restoration to their +natural and acquired rights, their proper stations in society, and +sacred liberty! The reader will judge, therefore, with what inward +self-congratulation I now received the acknowledgments of the whole +monikin party, and listened to their most solemn protestations ever +to consider, not only all they might jointly and severally possess +in the way of estates and dignities, at my entire disposal, but +their persons as my slaves. Of course, I made as light as possible +of any little service I might have done them, protesting in my turn, +that I looked upon the whole affair more in the light of a party of +pleasure than a tax, reminding them that I had not only obtained an +insight into a new philosophy, but that I was already, thanks to the +decimal system, a tolerable proficient in their ancient and learned +language. These civilities were scarcely well over, before we were +boarded by the boat of the port-captain. + +The arrival of a human ship was an event likely to create excitement +in a monikin country; and as our approach had been witnessed for +several hours, preparations had been made to give us a proper +reception. The section of the academy to whom is committed the +custody of the "Science of Indications," was hastily assembled by +order of the king, who, by the way, never speaks except through the +mouth of his oldest male first cousin, who, by the fundamental laws +of the realm, is held responsible for all his official acts (in +private, the king is allowed almost as many privileges as any other +monikin), and who, as is due to him in simple justice, is permitted +to exercise, in a public point of view, the functions of the eyes, +ears, nose, conscience, and tail of the monarch. The savans were +active, and as they proceeded with method, and on well-established +principles, their report was quickly made. It contained, as we +afterwards understood, seven sheets of premises, eleven of argument, +sixteen of conjecture, and two lines of deduction. This heavy draft +on the monikin intellect was duly achieved by dividing the work into +as many parts as there were members of the section present, viz., +forty. The substance of their labors was, to say that the vessel in +sight was a strange vessel; that it came to a strange country, on a +strange errand, being manned by strangers; and that its objects were +more likely to be peaceful than warlike, since the glasses of the +academy did not enable them to discover any means of annoyance, with +the exception of certain wild beasts, who appeared, however, to be +peaceably occupied in working the ship. All this was sententiously +expressed in the purest monikin language. The effect of the report +was, to cause all hostile preparations to be abandoned. + +No sooner did the boat of the port-captain return to the shore with +the news that the strange ship had arrived with my Lord Chatterino, +my Lady Chatterissa and Dr. Reasono than there was a general burst +of joy along the strand. In a very short time the king--alias his +eldest first cousin of the male gender--ordered the usual +compliments to be paid to his distinguished subjects. A deputation +of young lords the hopes of Leaphigh came off to receive their +colleague; whilst a bevy of beautiful maidens of noble birth crowded +around the smiling and graceful Chatterissa, gladdening her heart +with their caressing manners and felicitations. The noble pair left +us in separate boats, each attended by an appropriate escort. We +overlooked the little neglect of forgetting to take leave of us, for +joy had quite set them both beside themselves. Next came a long +procession composed of high numbers, all of the "brown-study color." +These learned and dignified persons were a deputation from the +academy, which had sent forth no less than forty of its number to +receive Dr. Reasono. The meeting between these loving friends of +monikinity and of knowledge, was conducted on the most approved +principles of reason. Each section (there are forty in the academy +of Leaphigh) made an address, to all of which the Doctor returned +suitable replies, always using exactly the same sentiments, but +varying the subject by transpositions, as dictionaries are known to +be composed by the ingenious combinations of the twenty-six letters +of the alphabet. Dr. Reasono withdrew with his coadjutors, to my +surprise paying not a whit more attention to Captain Poke and +myself, than would be paid in any highly-civilized country of +Christendom, on a similar occasion, by a collection of the learned, +to the accidental presence of two monkeys. I thought this augured +badly, and began to feel as became Sir John Goldencalf, Bart., of +Householder Hall, in the kingdom of Great Britain, when my +sensations were nipped in the bud by the arrival of the officers of +registration and circulation. It was the duty of the latter to give +us the proper passports to enter into and to circulate within the +country, after the former had properly enregistered our numbers and +colors, in such a way as to bring us within the reach of taxation. +The officer of registration was very expeditious from long practice. +He decided, at once, that I formed a new class by myself; of which, +of course, I was No. 1. The captain and his two mates formed +another, Nos. 1, 2, and 3. Bob had a class also to himself, and the +honors of No. 1; and the crew formed a fresh class, being numbered +according to height, as the register deemed their merits to be +altogether physical. Next came the important point of color, on +which depended the quality of the class or caste, the numbers merely +indicating our respective stations in the particular divisions. +After a good deal of deliberation, and many interrogatories, I was +enregistered as No. 1, flesh-color. Noah as No. 1, sea-water color, +and his mates 2 and 3, accordingly. Bob as No. 1, smut-color, and +the crew as Nos. 1, 2, 3, etc., tar-color. The officer now called +upon an assistant to come forth with a sort of knitting-needle +heated red-hot, in order to affix the official stamp to each in +succession. Luckily for us all, Noah happened to be the first to +whom the agent of the stamp-office applied, to uncase and to prepare +for the operation. The result was one of those bursts of eloquent +and logical vituperation, and of remonstrating outcries, to which +any new personal exaction never failed to give birth in the sealer. +His discourse on this occasion might be divided into the several +following heads, all of which were very ingeniously embellished by +the usual expletives and imagery:--"He was not a beast to be branded +like a horse, nor a slave to be treated like a Congo nigger; he saw +no use in applying the marks to men, who were sufficiently +distinguished from monkeys already; Sir John had a handle before his +name, and if he liked it, he might carry his name behind his body, +by way of counterpoise, but for his part, he wanted no outriggers of +the sort, being satisfied with plain Noah Poke; he was a republican, +and it was anti-republican for a man to carry about with him graven +images; he thought it might be even flying in the face of the +Scriptures, or what was worse, turning his back on them; he said +that the Walrus had her name, in good legible characters on her +starn, and that might answer for both of them; he protested, d--n +his eyes, that he wouldn't be branded like a thief; he incontinently +wished the keeper of the privy seal to the d---l; he insisted there +was no use in the practice, unless one threw all aback, and went +starn foremost into society, a rudeness at which human natur' +revolted; he knew a man in Stunin'tun who had five names, and he +should like to know what they would do with him, if this practice +should come into fashion there; he had no objection to a little +paint, but no red-hot knitting-needle should make acquaintance with +his flesh, so long as he walked his quarter-deck." + +The keeper of the seals listened to this remonstrance with singular +patience and decorum; a forbearance that was probably owing to his +not understanding a word that had been said. But there is a language +that is universal, and it is not less easy to comprehend when a man +is in a passion, than it is to comprehend any other irritated +animal. The officer of the registration department, on this hint, +politely inquired of me, if some part of his official duties were +not particularly disagreeable to No. 1, sea-water color. On my +admitting that the captain was reluctant to be branded, he merely +shrugged his shoulders, and observed that the exactions of the +public were seldom agreeable, but that duty was duty, that the stamp +act was peremptory, and not a foot of ours could touch Leaphigh +until we were all checked off in this manner, in exact conformity +with the registration. I was much puzzled what to do, by this +indomitable purpose to perform his duty in the officer; for, to own +the truth, my own cuticle had quite as much aversion to the +operation, as of Captain Poke himself. It was not the principle so +much as the novelty of its application which distressed me; for I +had travelled too much not to know that a stranger rarely enters a +civilized country without being more or less skinned, the merest +savages only permitting him to pass unscathed. It suddenly came to +my recollection that the monikins had left all the remains of their +particular stores on board, consisting of an ample supply of +delicious nuts. Sending for a bag of the best of them, I ordered it +to be put into the register's boat, informing him at the same time, +that I was conscious they were quite unworthy of him, but that I +hoped, such as they were, he would allow me to make an offering of +them to his wife. This attention was properly felt and received; and +a few minutes afterwards, a certificate in the following words was +put into my hands, viz.: + +"Leaphigh, season of promise, day of performance: Whereas, certain +persons of the human species have lately presented themselves to be +enregistered, according to the statute 'for the promotion of order +and classification, and for the collection of contributions'; and +whereas, these persons are yet in the second class of the animal +probation, and are more subject to bodily impressions than the +higher, or monikin species: Now, know all monikins, etc., that they +are stamped in paint, and that only by their numbers; each class +among them being easily to be distinguished from the others, by +outward and indelible proofs. + +"Signed, + +"No. 8,020 office-color." + +I was told that all we had to do now was to mark ourselves with +paint or tar, as we might choose, the latter being recommended for +the crew; taking no further trouble than to number ourselves; and +when we went ashore, if any of the gens-d'armes inquired why we had +not the legal impression on our persons, which quite possibly would +be the case, as the law was absolute in its requisitions, all we had +to do was to show the certificate; but if the certificate was not +sufficient, we were men of the world, and understood the nature of +things so well, that we did not require to be taught so simple a +proposition in philosophy, as that which says, "like causes produce +like effects"; and he presumed I could not have so far overrated his +merits, as to have sent the whole of my nuts into his boat. I avow +that I was not very sorry to hear the officer throw out these hints, +for they convinced me that my journey through Leaphigh would be +accompanied with less embarrassment than I had anticipated, since I +now plainly perceived that monikins act on principles that are not +very essentially different from those of the human race in general. + +The complaisant register and the keeper of the privy seal took their +departure together, when we forthwith proceeded to number ourselves +in compliance with his advice. As the principle was already settled, +we had no difficulty with its application, Noah, Bob, myself, and +the largest of the seamen being all Nos. 1, and the rest ranking in +order. By this time it was night. The guard-boats began to appear on +the water, and we deferred disembarking until morning. + +All hands were early afoot. It had been arranged that Captain Poke +and myself, attended by Bob, as a domestic, were to land, in order +to make a journey through the island, while the Walrus was to be +left in charge of the mates and the crew; the latter having +permission to go ashore, from time to time, as is the practice with +all seamen in port. There was a great deal of preliminary scrubbing +and shaving, before the whole party could appear on deck, properly +attired for the occasion. Mr. Poke wore a thin dress of linen, +admirably designed to make him look like a sea-lion; a conceit that +he said was not only agreeable to his feelings and habits, but which +had a cool and pleasant character that was altogether suited to a +steam-climate. For my own part, I agreed with the worthy sealer, +seeing but little difference between his going in this garb, and his +going quite naked. My dress was made, on a design of my own, after +the social-stake system; or, in other words, it was so arranged as +to take an interest in half of the animals of Exeter Change, to +which MENAGERIE the artist by whom it had been painted was sent +expressly, in order to consult nature. Bob wore the effigy, as his +master called it, of a turnspit. + +The monikins were by far too polished to crowd about us when we +landed, with an impertinent and troublesome curiosity. So far from +this, we were permitted to approach the capital itself without let +or hindrance. As it is less my intention to describe physical things +than to dwell upon the philosophy and the other moral aspects of the +Leaphigh world, little more will be said of their houses, domestic +economy, and other improvements in the arts, than may be gathered +incidentally, as the narrative shall proceed. Let it suffice to say +on these heads, that the Leaphigh monikins, like men, consult, or +think they consult--which, so long as they know no better, amounts +to pretty much the same thing--their own convenience in all things, +the pocket alone excepted; and that they continue very laudably to +do as their fathers did before them, seldom making changes, unless +they may happen to possess the recommendation of being exotics; +when, indeed, they are sometimes adopted, probably on account of +their possessing the merit of having been proved suitable to another +state of things. + +Among the first persons we met, on entering the great square of +Aggregation, as the capital of Leaphigh is called when rendered into +English, was my Lord Chatterino. He was gayly promenading with a +company of young nobles, who all seemed to be enjoying their youth, +health, rank, and privileges with infinite gusto. We met this party +in a way to render an escape from mutual recognition impossible. At +first I thought, from his averted eye, that it was the intention of +our late shipmate to consider our knowledge of each other as one of +those accidental acquaintances which, it is known, we all form at +watering-places, on journeys, or in the country, and which it is +ill-mannered to press upon others in town; or, as Captain Poke +afterwards expressed it, like the intimacy between an Englishman and +a Yankee, that has been formed in the house of the latter, on better +wine than is met with anywhere else, and which was never yet known +to withstand the influence of a British fog. "Why, Sir John," the +sealer added, "I once tuck (he meant to say TOOK, not TUCKED) a +countryman of yours under my wing, at Stunin'tun, during the last +war. He was a prisoner, as we make prisoners; that is, he went and +did pretty much as he pleased; and the fellow had the best of +everything--molasses that a spoon would stand up in, pork that would +do to slush down a topmast, and New England rum, that a king might +set down to, but could not get up from--well, what was the end on't? +Why, as sure as we are among these monkeys, the fellow BOOKED me. +Had I BOOKED but the half of what he guzzled, the amount, I do +believe, would have taken the transaction out of any justice's court +in the state. He said my molasses was meagre, the pork lean, and the +liquor infernal. There were truth and gratitude for you! He gave the +whul account, too, as a specimen of what he called American living!" + +Hereupon I reminded my companion, that an Englishman did not like to +receive even favors on compulsion; that when he meets a stranger in +his own country, and is master of his own actions, no man +understands better what true hospitality is, as I hoped one day to +show him, at Householder Hall; as to his first remark, he ought to +remember that an Englishman considered America as no more than the +country, and that it would be ill-mannered to press an acquaintance +made there. + +Noah, like most other men, was very reasonable on all subjects that +did not interfere with his prejudices or his opinions; and he very +readily admitted the general justice of my reply. + +"It's pretty much as you say, Sir John," he continued; "in England +you may press men, but it won't do to press hospitality. Get a +volunteer in this way, and he is as good a fellow as heart can wish. +I shouldn't have cared so much about the chap's book, if he had said +nothin' ag'in the rum. Why, Sir John, when the English bombarded +Stunin'tun with eighteen pounders, I proposed to load our old twelve +with a gallon out of the very same cask, for I do think it would +have huv' the shot the best part of a mile!" + +--But this digression is leading me from the narrative. My Lord +Chatterino turned his head a little on one side as we were passing, +and I was deliberating whether, under the circumstances, it would be +well-bred to remind him of our old acquaintance, when the question +was settled by the decision of Captain Poke, who placed himself in +such a position that it was no easy matter to get round him, through +him, or over him--or who laid himself what he called "athwart +hawse." + +"Good morning, my lord," said the straightforward seaman, who +generally went at a subject as he went at a seal. "A fine warm day; +and the smell of the land, after so long a passage, is quite +agreeable to the nose, whatever its ups and downs may be to the +legs." + +The companions of the young peer looked amazed; and some of them, I +thought, notwithstanding gravity and earnestness are rather +characteristic of the monikin physiognomy, betrayed a slight +disposition to laugh. Not so with my Lord Chatterino himself. + +He examined us a moment through a glass, and then seemed suddenly, +and on the whole, agreeably struck at seeing us. + +"How, Goldencalf!" he cried in surprise, "you in Leaphigh! This is +indeed an unexpected satisfaction; for it will now be in my power to +prove some of the facts that I am telling my friends, by actual +observation. Here are two of the humans, gents, of whom I was but +this moment giving you some account--" + +Observing a disposition to merriment in his associates, he +continued, looking exceedingly grave:-- + +"Restrain yourselves, gentlemen, I pray you. These are very worthy +people, I do assure you, in their own way, and are not at all to be +ridiculed. I scarcely know, even in our own marine, a better or a +bolder navigator than this honest seaman; and as for the one in the +parti-colored skin, I will take upon myself to say, that he is +really a person of some consideration in his own little circle. He +is, I believe, a member of par--par--par--am I right, Sir John?--a +member of--" + +"Parliament, my lord--an M.P." + +"Ay--I thought I had it--an M.P., or a member of Parliament, in his +own country, which, I dare say now, is some such thing among his +people, as a public proclaimer of those laws which come from his +majesty's eldest first cousin of the masculine gender, may be among +us. Some such thing--eh--now--eh--is it not, Sir John?" + +"I dare say it is, my lord." + +"All very true, Chatterino," put in one of the young monikins, with +a very long, elaborated tail, which he carried nearly perpendicular- +-"but what would be even a lawmaker--to say nothing of law-BREAKERS +like ourselves--among men! You should remember, my dear fellow, that +a mere title, or a profession, is not the criterion of true +greatness; but that the prodigy of a village may be a very common +monikin in town." + +"Poh-poh"--interrupted Lord Chatterino, "thou art ever for refining, +Hightail--Sir John Goldencalf is a very respectable person in the +island of--a--a--a--what do you call that said island of yours, +Goldencalf?--a--a--" + +"Great Britain, my lord." + +"Ay, Great Breeches sure enough; yet, he is a respectable person--I +can take it upon myself to say, with confidence, a very respectable +person in Great Breeches. I dare say he owns no small portion of the +island himself. How much, now, Sir John, if the truth were told?" + +"Only the estate and village of Householder, my lord, with a few +scattered manors here and there." + +"Well, that is a very pretty thing, there can be no doubt--then you +have money at use?" + +"And who is the debtor?" sneeringly inquired the jack-a-napes +Hightail. + +"No other, my Lord Hightail, than the realm of Great Britain." + +"Exquisite, that, egad! A noble's fortune in the custody of the +realm of a--Greek--a--" + +"Great Breeches," interrupted my Lord Chatterino, who, +notwithstanding he swore he was excessively angry with his friend +for his obstinate incredulity, very evidently had to exercise some +forbearance to keep from joining in the general laugh. "It is a very +respectable country, I do protest; and I scarcely remember to have +tasted better gooseberries than they grow in that very island." + +"What! have they really gardens, Chatterino?" + +"Certainly--after a fashion--and houses, and public conveyances--and +even universities." + +"You do not mean to say, certainly, that they have a system!" + +"Why, as to system, I believe they are a little at sixes and sevens. +I really can't take it upon myself to say that they have a system." + +"Oh, yes, my lord--of a certainty we have one--the social stake +system." + +"Ask the creature," whispered audibly the filthy coxcomb Hightail, +"if he himself, now, has any income." + +"How is it, Sir John--have you an income?" + +"Yes, my lord, of one hundred and twelve thousand sovereigns a +year." + +"Of what?--of what?" demanded two or three voices, with well-bred, +subdued eagerness. + +"Of sovereigns--why that means kings!" + +It would appear that the Leaphighers, while they obey only the +king's eldest first cousin of the masculine gender, perform all +their official acts in the name of the sovereign himself, for whose +person and character they pretty uniformly express the profoundest +veneration; just as we men express admiration for a virtue that we +never practise. My declaration, therefore, produced a strong +sensation, and I was soon required to explain myself. This I did, by +simply stating the truth. + +"Oh, gold, yclept sovereigns!" exclaimed three or four, laughing +heartily. "Why then, your famous Great Breeches people, after all, +Chatterino, are so little advanced in civilization as to use gold! +Harkee, Signior--a--a--Boldercraft, have you no currency in +'promises'?" + +"I do not know, sir, that I rightly comprehend the question." + +"Why, we poor barbarians, sir, who live as you see us, only in a +state of simplicity and nature,"--there was irony in every syllable +the impudent scoundrel uttered--"we poor wretches, or rather our +ancestors, made the discovery, that for the purposes of convenience, +having, as you perceive, no pockets, it might be well to convert all +our currency into 'promises.' Now, I would ask if you have any of +that coin?" + +"Not as coin, sir, but as collateral to coin, we have plenty." + +"He speaks of collaterals in currency, as if he were discussing a +pedigree! Are you really, Mynherr Shouldercalf, so little advanced +in your country, as not to know the immense advantages of a currency +of 'promises'?" + +"As I do not understand exactly what the nature of this currency is, +sir, I cannot answer as readily as I could wish." + +"Let us explain it to him; for, I vow, I am really curious to hear +his answer. Chatterino, do you, who have some knowledge of the +thing's habits, be our interpreter." + +"The matter is thus, Sir John. About five hundred years ago, our +ancestors, having reached that pass in civilization when they came +to dispense with the use of pockets, began to find it necessary to +substitute a new currency for that of the metals, which it was +inconvenient to carry, of which they might be robbed, and which also +was liable to be counterfeited. The first expedient was to try a +lighter substitute. Laws were passed giving value to linen and +cotton, in the raw material; then compounded and manufactured; next, +written on, and reduced in bulk, until, having passed through the +several gradations of wrapping-paper, brown-paper, foolscap and +blotting-paper, and having set the plan fairly at work, and got +confidence thoroughly established, the system was perfected by a +coup de main,--'promises' in words were substituted for all other +coin. You see the advantage at a glance. A monikin can travel +without pockets or baggage, and still carry a million; the money +cannot be counterfeited, nor can it be stolen or burned." + +"But, my lord, does it not depreciate the value of property?" + +"Just the contrary;--an acre that formerly could be bought for one +promise, would now bring a thousand." + +"This, certainly, is a great improvement, unless frequent failures-- +" + +"Not at all; there has not been a bankruptcy in Leaphigh since the +law was passed making promises a legal tender." + + "I wonder no chancellor of the exchequer ever thought of this, at +home!" + +"So much for your Great Breeches, Chatterino!" And then there was +another and a very general laugh. I never before felt so deep a +sense of national humility. + +"As they have universities," cried another coxcomb, "perhaps this +person has attended one of them." + +"Indeed, sir," I answered, "I am regularly graduated." + +"It is not easy to see what he has done with his knowledge--for, +though my sight is none of the worst, I cannot trace the smallest +sign of a cauda about him." + +"Ah!" Lord Chatterino good-naturedly exclaimed, "the inhabitants of +Great Breeches carry their brains in their heads." + +"Their heads!" + +"Heads!" + +"That's excellent, by his majesty's prerogative! Here's +civilization, with a vengeance!" + +I now thought that the general ridicule would overwhelm me. Two or +three came closer, as if in pity or curiosity; and, at last, one +cried out that I actually wore clothes. + +"Clothes--the wretch! Chatterino, do all your human friends wear +clothes?" + +The young peer was obliged to confess the truth; and then there +arose such a clamor as may be fancied took place among the peacocks, +when they discovered the daw among them in masquerade. Human nature +could endure no more; and bowing to the company, I wished Lord +Chatterino, very hurriedly, good-morning, and proceeded towards the +tavern. + +"Don't forget to step into Chatterino House, Goldencalf, before you +sail," cried my late fellow-traveller, looking over his shoulder, +and nodding in quite a friendly way towards me. + +"King!" exclaimed Captain Poke. "That blackguard ate a whole bread- +locker-full of nuts on our outward passage, and now he tells us to +step into his Chatterino House, before we sail!" + +I endeavored to pacify the sealer, by an appeal to his philosophy. +It was true that men never forgot obligations, and were always +excessively anxious to repay them; but the monikins were an +exceedingly instructed species; they thought more of their minds +than of their bodies, as was plain by comparing the smallness of the +latter with the length and development of the seat of reason; and +one of his experience should know that good-breeding is decidedly an +arbitrary quality, and that we ought to respect its laws, however +opposed to our own previous practices. + +"I dare say, friend Noah, you may have observed some material +difference in the usages of Paris, for instance, and those of +Stunin'tun." + +"That I have, Sir John, that I have; and altogether to the advantage +of Stunin'tun be they." + +"We are all addicted to the weakness of believing our own customs +best; and it requires that we should travel much, before we are able +to decide on points so nice." + +"And do you not call me a traveller! Haven't I been sixteen times a- +sealing, twice a-whaling, without counting my cruise overland, and +this last run to Leaphigh!" + +"Ay, you have gone over much land and much water, Mr. Poke; but your +stay in any given place has been just long enough to find fault. +Usages must be worn, like a shoe, before one can judge of the fit." + +It is possible Noah would have retorted, had not Mrs. Vigilance +Lynx, at that moment, come wriggling by, in a way to show she was +much satisfied with her safe return home. To own the truth, while +striving to find apologies for it, I had been a little contraire, as +the French term it, by the indifference of my Lord Chatterino, +which, in my secret heart, I was not slow in attributing to the +manner in which a peer of the realm of Leaphigh regarded, de haut en +bas, a mere baronet of Great Britain--or Great Breeches, as the +young noble so pertinaciously insisted on terming our illustrious +island. Now as Mrs. Vigilance was of "russet-color," a caste of an +inferior standing, I had little doubt that she would be as glad to +own an intimacy with Sir John Goldencalf of Householder Hall, as the +other might be willing to shuffle it off. + +"Good-morrow, good Mrs. Vigilance," I said familiarly, endeavoring +to wriggle in a way that WOULD have shaken a tail, had it been my +good fortune to be the owner of one--"Good-morrow, good Mrs. +Vigilance--I'm glad to meet you again on shore." + +I do not remember that Mrs. Vigilance, during the whole period of +our acquaintance, was particularly squeamish, or topping in her +deportment. On the contrary, she had rather made herself remarkable +for a modest and commendable reserve. But on the present occasion, +she disappointed all reasonable expectation, by shrinking on one +side, uttering a slight scream, and hurrying past as if she thought +we might bite her. Indeed, I can only compare her deportment to that +of a female of our own, who is so full of vanity as to fancy all +eyes on her, and who gives herself airs about a dog or a spider, +because she thinks they make her look so much the more interesting. +Conversation was quite out of the question; for the duenna hurried +on, bending her head downwards, as if heartily ashamed of an +involuntary weakness. + +"Well, good madam," said Noah, whose stern eye followed her +movements until she was quite lost in the crowd, "you would have had +a sleepless v'yage, if I had foreimagined this! Sir John, these +people stare at us as if we were wild beasts!" + +"I cannot say I am of your way of thinking, Captain Poke. To me they +seem to take no more notice of us, than we should take of two curs +in the streets of London." + +"I begin now to understand what the parsons mean when they talk of +the lost condition of man. It's ra'ally awful to witness to what a +state of unfeelingness a people can be abandoned! Bob, get out of +the way, you grinning blackguard." + +Hereupon Bob received a salutation which would have demolished his +stern-frame, had it not been for the unionjack. Just then I was glad +to see Dr. Reasono advancing towards us, surrounded by a group of +attentive listeners, all of whom, by their years, gravity, and +deportment, I made no question were savants. As he drew near, I +found he was discoursing of the marvels of his late voyage. When +within six feet of us the whole party stopped, the Doctor continuing +to descant with a very proper gesticulation, and in a way to show +that his subject was of infinite interest to his listeners. +Accidentally turning his eye in our direction, he caught a glimpse +of our figures, and making a few hurried apologies to those around +him, the excellent philosopher came eagerly forward, with both hands +extended. Here was a difference, indeed, between his treatment and +that of Lord Chatterino and the duenna! The salutation was warmly +returned; and the Doctor and myself stepped a little apart, as he +lost no time in informing me he wished to say a word in private. + +"My dear Sir John," the philosopher began, "our arrival has been the +most happily-timed thing imaginable! All Leaphigh, by this time, is +filled with the subject; and you can scarcely conceive the +importance that is attached to the event. New sources of trade, +scientific discoveries, phenomena both moral and physical, and +results that it is thought may serve to raise the monikin +civilization still higher than ever! Fortunately, the academy holds +its most solemn meeting of the year this very day, and I have been +formally requested to give the assembly an outline of those events +which have lately passed before my eyes. The king's eldest first +cousin of the masculine gender is to attend openly; and it is even +conjectured, in a way to be quite authentic, that the king himself +will be present in his own royal person." + +"How!" I exclaimed, "have you a mode, in Leaphigh, of rendering +conjectures certain?" + +"Beyond a doubt, sir, or what would our civilization be worth? As to +the king's majesty, we always deal in the most direct ambiguities. +Now as respects many of our ceremonies, the sovereign is known +morally to be present, when he may be actually and physically eating +his dinner at the other extremity of the island; this important +illustration of the royal ubiquity is effected by means of a legal +fiction. On the other hand, the king often indulges his natural +propensities, such as curiosity, love of fun, or detestation of +ennui, by coming in person, when, by the court fiction, he is +thought to be seated on his throne, in his own royal palace. Oh! as +to all these little accomplishments and graces in the art of truths, +we are behind no people in the universe!" + +"I beg pardon, Doctor--so his majesty is expected to be at the +academy this morning?" + +"In a private box. Now this affair is of the last importance to me +as a savant, to you as a human being--for it will have a tendency to +raise your whole species in the monikin estimation--and, lastly, to +learning. It will be indispensably necessary that you should attend, +with as many of your companions as possible, more especially the +better specimens. I was coming down to the landing in the hope of +meeting you; and a messenger has gone off to the ship to require +that the people be sent ashore forthwith. You will have a tribune to +yourselves; and, really, I do not like to express beforehand what I +think concerning the degree of attention you will all receive; but +this much I think I can say--you will see." + +"This proposition, Doctor, has taken me a little by surprise, and I +hardly know what answer to give." + +"You cannot say no, Sir John; for should his majesty hear that you +have refused to come to a meeting at which he is to be present, it +would seriously, and, I might add, justly offend him, nor could I +answer for the consequences." + +"Why, I was told that all the power was in the hands of his +majesty's eldest first cousin of the masculine gender; in which case +I thought I might snap my fingers at his majesty himself." + +"Not in opinion, Sir John, which is one of the three estates of the +government. Ours is a government of three estates--viz., the law, +opinion, and practice. By law the king rules, by practice his cousin +rules, and by opinion the king again rules. Thus, is the strong +point of practice balanced by law and opinion. This it is that +constitutes the harmony and perfection of the system. No, it would +never do to offend his majesty." + +Although I did not very well comprehend the Doctor's argument, yet, +as I had often found in human society, theories political, moral, +theological, and philosophical, that everybody had faith in, and +which nobody understood, I thought discussion useless, and gave up +the point by promising the Doctor to be at the academy in half an +hour, which was the time named for our appearance. Taking the +necessary directions to find the place, we separated; he to hasten +to make his preparations, and I to reach the tavern, in order to +deposit our baggage, that no decency might be overlooked on an +occasion so solemn. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +AN INN--DEBTS PAID IN ADVANCE, AND A SINGULAR TOUCH OF HUMAN NATURE +FOUND CLOSELY INCORPORATED WITH MONIKIN NATURE, + + +We soon secured rooms, ordered dinner, brushed our clothes, and made +the other little arrangements that it was necessary to observe for +the credit of the species. Everything being ready, we left the inn, +and hurried towards the "Palais des Arts et des Sciences." We had +not got out of sight of the inn, however, before one of its garcons +was at our heels with a message from his mistress. He told us, in +very respectful tones, that his master was out, and that he had +taken with him the key of the strong-box; that there was not +actually money enough in the drawer to furnish an entertainment for +such great persons as ourselves, and she had taken the liberty to +send us a bill receipted, with a request that we would make a small +advance, rather than reduce her to the mortification of treating +such distinguished guests in an unworthy manner. The bill read as +follows:-- + +No. 1 parti-color and friends, + +To No. 82,763 grape-color. Dr. +To use of apartments, with meals and lights, as per +agreement, p.p. 300 per diem--one day, p.p. 300 +By cash advanced, 50 + ---- + Balance due, p.p. 250 + +"This seems all right," I observed to Noah; but I am, at this +moment, as penniless as the good woman herself. I really do not see +what we are to do, unless Bob sends her back his store of nuts--" + +"Harkee, my nimble-go-hop," put in the seaman, "what is your +pleasure?" + +The waiter referred to the bill, as expressing his mistress's wants. + +"What are these p. p. that I find noted in the bill--play or pay, +hey?" + +"Promises, of course, your honor." + +"Oh! then you desire fifty promises, to provide our dinner." + +"Nothing more, sir. With that sum you shall dine like noblemen--ay, +sir, like aldermen." + +I was delighted to find that this worthy class of beings have the +same propensities in all countries. + +"Here, take a hundred," answered Noah, snapping his fingers, "and +make no bones of it. And harkee, my worthy--lay out every farthing +of them in the fare. Let there be good cheer, and no one will +grumble at the bill. I am ready to buy the inn, and all it holds, at +need." + +The waiter departed well satisfied with these assurances, and +apparently in the anticipation of good vails for his own trouble. + +We soon got into the current that was setting towards our place of +destination. On reaching the gate, we found that we were anxiously +expected; for there was an attendant in waiting, who instantly +conducted us to the seats that were provided for our special +reception. It is always agreeable to be among the privileged, and I +must own that we were all not a little flattered, on finding that an +elevated tribune had been prepared for us, in the centre of the +rotunda in which the academy held its sittings, so that we could +see, and be seen by, every individual of the crowded assembly. The +whole crew, even to the negro cook, had preceded us; an additional +compliment, that I did not fail to acknowledge by suitable +salutations to all the members present. After the first feelings of +pleasure and surprise were a little abated, I had leisure to look +about me and to survey the company. + +The academicians occupied the whole of the body of the rotunda, the +space taken up by the erection of our temporary tribune alone +excepted, while there were sofas, chairs, tribunes, and benches +arranged for the spectators, in the outer circles, and along the +side-walls of the hall. As the edifice itself was very large, and +mind had so essentially reduced matter in the monikin species, there +could not have been less than fifty thousand tails present. Just +before the ceremonies commenced, Dr. Reasono approached our +tribbune, passing from one to another of the party, saying a +pleasant and encouraging word to each, in a way to create high +expectations in us all as to what was to follow. We were so very +evidently honored and distinguished, that I struggled hard to subdue +any unworthy feeling of pride, as unbecoming human meekness, and in +order to maintain a philosophical equanimity under the +manifestations of respect and gratitude that I knew were about to be +lavished upon even the meanest of our party. The Doctor was yet in +the midst of his pointed attentions, when the king's eldest first +cousin of the masculine gender entered, and the business of the +meeting immediately began. I profited by a short pause, however, to +say a few words to my companions. I told them that there would soon +be a serious demand on their modesty. We had performed a great and +generous exploit, and it did not become us to lessen its merit by +betraying a vainglorious self-esteem. I implored them all to take +pattern by me; promising, in the end, that their new friends would +trebly prize their hardihood, self-denial, and skill. + +There was a new member of the academy of Latent Sympathies to be +received and installed. A long discourse was read by one of this +department of the monikin learning, which pointed out and enlarged +on the rare merits of the new academician. He was followed by the +latter; who in a very elaborate production, that consumed just +fifty-five minutes in the reading, tried all he could to persuade +the audience that the defunct was a loss to the world, that no +accident or application would ever repair, and that he himself was +precisely the worst person who could have been selected to be his +successor. I was a little surprised at the perfect coolness with +which the learned body listened to a reproach that was so very +distinctly and perseveringly thrown, as it were, into their very +teeth. But a more intimate acquaintance with monikin society +satisfied me, that any one might say just what he pleased, so long +as he allowed that every one else was an excellent fellow, and he +himself the poorest devil going. When the new member had +triumphantly established his position, and just as I thought the +colleagues were bound, in common honesty, to reconsider their vote, +he concluded, and took his seat among them with quite as much +assurance as the best philosopher of them all. + +After a short pause, and an abundance of felicitations on his +excellent and self-abasing discourse, the newly admitted member +again rose, and began to read an essay on some discoveries he had +made in the science of Latent Sympathies. According to his account +of the matter, every monikin possessed a fluid which was invisible, +like the animalcula which pervade nature, and which required only to +be brought into command, and to be reduced into more rigid laws, to +become the substitute for the senses of sight, touch, taste, +hearing, and smelling. This fluid was communicable; and had already +been so far rendered subject to the will, as to make it of service +in seeing in the dark, in smelling when the operator had a bad cold, +in tasting when the palate was down, and in touching by proxy. Ideas +had been transmitted, through its agency, sixty-two leagues in one +minute and a half. Two monikins, who were afflicted with diseased +tails, had during the last two years, been insulated and saturated, +and had then lost those embellishments, by operations; a quantity of +the fluid having been substituted in their places so happily, that +the patients fancied themselves more than ever conspicuous for the +length and finesse of their caudce. An experiment had also been +successfully tried on a member of the lower house of parliament, +who, being married to a monikina of unusual mind, had for a long +time been supplied with ideas from this source, although his partner +was compelled to remain at home, in order to superintend the +management of their estate, forty-two miles from town, during the +whole session. He particularly recommended to government the +promotion of this science, as it might be useful in obtaining +evidence for the purposes of justice, in detecting conspiracies, in +collecting the taxes, and selecting candidates for trusts of a +responsible nature. The suggestion was well received by the king's +cousin, more especially those parts that alluded to sedition and the +revenue. + +This essay was also perfectly well received by the savans, for I +afterwards found very little came amiss to the academy; and the +members named a committee forthwith, to examine into "the facts +concerning invisible and unknown fluids, their agency, importance, +and relations to monikin happiness." + +We were next favored with a discussion on the different +significations of the word gorstchwzyb; which, rendered into +English, means "eh!" The celebrated philologist who treated the +subject, discovered amazing ingenuity in expatiating on its +ramifications and deductions. First he tried the letters by +transpositions, by which he triumphantly proved that it was derived +from all the languages of the ancients; the same process showed that +it possessed four thousand and two different significations; he next +reasoned most ably and comprehensively for ten minutes, backwards +and forwards, using no other word but this, applied in its various +senses; after which, he incontrovertibly established that this +important part of speech was so useful as to be useless, and he +concluded by a proposition, in which the academy coincided by +acclamation, that it should be forever and incontinently expunged +from the Leaphigh vocabulary. As the vote was carried by +acclamation, the king's cousin arose, and declared that the writer +who should so far offend against good taste, as hereafter to make +use of the condemned word, should have two inches cut off the +extremity of his tail. A shudder among the ladies, who, I afterwards +ascertained, loved to carry their caudae as high as our women like +to carry their heads, proved the severity of the decree. + +An experienced and seemingly much respected member now arose to make +the following proposal. He said it was known that the monikin +species were fast approaching perfection; that the increase of mind +and the decrease of matter were so very apparent as to admit of no +denial; that, in his own case, he found his physical powers diminish +daily, while his mental acquired new distinctness and force; that he +could no longer see without spectacles, hear without a tube, or +taste without high seasoning; from all this he inferred that they +were drawing near to some important change, and he wished that +portion of the science of Latent Sympathies which was connected with +the unknown fluid just treated on, might be referred to a committee +on the whole, in order to make some provision for the wants of a +time when monikins should finally lose their senses. There was +nothing to say against a proposition so plausible, and it was +accepted nemine contradicente, with the exception of a few in the +minority. + +There was now a good deal of whispering, much wagging of tails, and +other indications that the real business of the meeting was about to +be touched upon. All eyes were turned on Dr. Reasono, who, after a +suitable pause, entered a tribune prepared for solemn occasions, and +began his discourse. + +The philosopher, who, having committed his essay to memory, spoke +extempore, commenced with a beautiful and most eloquent apostrophe +to learning, and to the enthusiasm which glows in the breasts of all +her real votaries, rendering them alike indifferent to their +personal ease, their temporal interests, danger, suffering, and +tribulations of the spirit. After this exordium, which was +pronounced to be unique for its simplicity and truth, he entered at +once on the history of his own recent adventures. + +First alluding to the admirable character of that Leaphigh usage +which prescribes the Journey of Trial, our philosopher spoke of the +manner in which he had been selected to accompany my lord Chatterino +on an occasion so important to his future hopes. He dwelt on the +physical preparations, the previous study, and the moral machinery +that he had employed with his pupil, before they quitted town; all +of which, there is reason to think, were well fitted to their +objects, as he was constantly interrupted by murmurs of applause. +After some time spent in dilating on these points, I had, at length, +the satisfaction to find him, Mrs. Lynx, and their two wards, fairly +setting out on a journey which, as he very justly mentioned, proved +"to be pregnant with events of so much importance to knowledge in +general, to the happiness of the species, and to several highly +interesting branches of monikin science, in particular." I say the +satisfaction, for, to own the truth, I was eager to witness the +effect that would be made on the monikin sensibilities, when he came +to speak of my own discernment in detecting their real characters +beneath the contumely and disgrace in which it had been my good +fortune to find them, the promptitude with which I had stepped +forward to their relief, and the liberality and courage with which I +had furnished the means and encountered the risks that were +necessary to restore them to their native land. The anticipation of +this human triumph could not but diffuse a general satisfaction in +our own tribune--even the common mariners, as they recalled the +dangers through which they had passed, feeling a consciousness of +deserving, mingled with that soothing sentiment which is ever the +companion of a merited reward. As the philosopher drew nearer to the +time when it would be necessary to speak of us, I threw a look of +triumph at Lord Chatterino, which, however, failed of its intended +effect--the young peer continuing to whisper to his noble companions +with just is much self-importance and coolness as if he had not been +one of the rescued captives. + +Dr. Reasono was justly celebrated, among his colleagues, for +ingenuity and eloquence. The excellent morals that he threw into +every possible opening of his subject, the beauty of the figures +with which they were illustrated, and the masculine tendencies of +his argument, gave general delight to the audience. The Journey of +Trial was made to appear, what it had been intended to be by the +fathers and sages of the Leaphigh institutions, a probation replete +with admonitions and instruction. The aged and experienced, who had +grown callous by time, could not conceal their exultation; the +mature and suffering looked grave and full of meditation; while the +young and sanguine fairly trembled, and for once, doubted. But, as +the philosopher led his party from precipice to precipice in safety, +as rocks were scaled and seductive valleys avoided, a common feeling +of security began to extend itself among the audience; and we all +followed him in his last experiment among the ice, with that sort of +blind confidence which the soldier comes, in time, to entertain in +the orders of a tried and victorious general. + +The Doctor was graphic in his account of the manner in which he and +his wards plunged among these new trials. The lovely Chatterissa +(for all his travelling companions were present) bent aside her head +and blushed, as the philosopher alluded to the manner in which the +pure flame that glowed in her gentle bosom resisted the chill +influence of that cold region; and when he recited an ardent +declaration that my lord Chatterino had made on the centre of a +floe, and the kind and amorous answer of his mistress, I thought the +applause of the old academicians would have actually brought the +vaulted dome clattering about our ears. + +At length he reached the point in the narrative where the amiable +wanderers fell in with the sealers, on that unknown island to which +chance and an adverse fortune had unhappily led them, in their +pilgrimage. I had taken measures secretly to instruct Mr. Poke and +the rest of my companions, as to the manner in which it became us to +demean ourselves, while the Doctor was acquainting the academy with +that first outrage committed by human cupidity, or the seizure of +himself and friends. We were to rise, in a body, and, turning our +faces a little on one side, veil our eyes in sign of shame. Less +than this, it struck me, could scarcely be done, without manifesting +an improper indifference to monikin rights; and more than this, +might have been identifying ourselves with the particular +individuals of the species who had perpetrated the wrong. But there +was no occasion to exhibit this delicate attention to our learned +hosts. The Doctor, with a refinement of feeling that did credit, +indeed, to monikin civilization, gave an ingenious turn to the whole +affair, which at once removed all cause of shame from our species; +and which, if it left reason for any to blush, by a noble act of +disinterestedness, threw the entire onus of the obligation on +himself. Instead of dwelling on the ruthless manner in which he and +his friends had been seized, the worthy Doctor very tranquilly +informed his listeners, that, finding himself, by hazard, brought in +contact with another species, and that the means of pushing +important discoveries were unexpectedly placed in his power; +conscious it had long been a desideratum with the savans to obtain a +nearer view and more correct notions of human society; believing he +had a discretion in the matter of his wards, and knowing that the +inhabitants of Leaplow, a republic which all disliked, were +seriously talking of sending out an expedition for this very +purpose, he had promptly decided to profit by events, to push +inquiry to the extent of his abilities, and to hazard all in the +cause of learning and truth, by at once engaging the vessel of the +sealers, and sailing, without dread of consequences, forthwith into +the very bosom of the world of man! + +I have listened with awe to the thunder of the tropics--I have held +my breath as the artillery of a fleet vomited forth its fire, and +rent the air with sudden concussions--I have heard the roar of the +tumbling river of the Canadas, and I have stood aghast at the +crashing of a forest in a tornado;--but never before did I feel so +life-stirring, so thrilling an emotion of surprise, alarm, and +sympathy, as that which arose within me, at the burst of +commendation and delight with which this announcement of self- +devotion and enterprise was received by the audience. Tails waved, +pattes met each other in ecstasy, voice whistled to voice, and there +was one common cry of exultation, of rapture and of glorification, +at this proof, not of monikin, for that would have been frittering +away the triumph, but at this proof of Leaphigh courage. + +During the clamor, I took an opportunity to express my satisfaction +at the handsome manner in which our friend the Doctor had passed +over an acknowledged human delinquency, and the ingenuity with which +he had turned the whole of the unhappy transaction to the glory of +Leaphigh. Noah answered that the philosopher had certainly shown a +knowledge of human natur', and he presumed of monikin natur', in the +matter; no one would now dispute his statement, since, as he knew by +experience, no one was so likely to be set down as a liar, as he who +endeavored to unsettle the good opinion that either a community or +an individual entertained of himself. This was the way at +Stunin'tun, and he believed this was pretty much the way at New +York, or he might say with the whole 'arth from pole to pole. As for +himself, however, he owned he should like to have a few minutes' +private conversation with the sealer in question, to hear his +account of the matter; he didn't know any owner in his part of the +world, who would bear a captain out, should be abandon a v'yage in +this way, on no better security than the promises of a monkey, and +of a monkey, too, who must, of necessity, be an utter stranger to +him. + +When the tumult of applause had a little abated, Dr. Reasono +proceeded with his narrative. He touched lightly on the +accommodations of the schooner, which he gave us reason to think +were altogether of a quality beneath the condition of her +passengers; and he added that, falling in with a larger and fairer +vessel, which was making a passage between Bombay and Great Britain, +he profited by the occasion, to exchange ships. This vessel touched +at the island of St. Helena, where, according to the Doctor's +account of the matter, he found means to pass the greater part of a +week on shore. + +Of the island of St. Helena he gave a long, scientific, and +certainly an interesting account. It was reported to be volcanic, by +the human savans, he said, but a minute examination and a comparison +of the geological formation, etc., had quite satisfied him that +their own ancient account, which was contained in the mineralogical +works of Leaphigh, was the true one; or, in other words, that this +rock was a fragment of the polar world that had been blown away at +the great eruption, and which had become separated from the rest of +the mass at this spot, where it had fallen and become a fixture of +the ocean. Here the Doctor produced certain specimens of rock, which +he submitted to the learned present, inviting their attention to its +character, and asking, with great mineralogical confidence, if it +did not intimately resemble a well-known stratum of a mountain, +within two leagues of the very spot they were in? This triumphant +proof of the truth of his proposition was admirably received; and +the philosopher was in particular rewarded by the smiles of all the +females present; for ladies usually are well pleased with any +demonstration that saves them the trouble of comparison and +reflection. + +Before quitting this branch of his subject, the Doctor observed +that, interesting as were these proofs of the accuracy of their +histories, and of the great revolutions of inanimate nature, there +was another topic connected with St. Helena, which, he felt certain, +would excite a lively emotion in the breasts of all who heard him. +At the period of his visit, the island had been selected as a prison +for a great conqueror and disturber of his fellow-creatures; and +public attention was much drawn to the spot by this circumstance, +few men coming there who did not permit all their thoughts to be +absorbed by the past acts and the present fortunes of the individual +in question. As for himself, there was, of course, no great +attraction in any events connected with mere human greatness, the +little struggles and convulsions of the species containing no +particular interest for a devotee of the monikin philosophy; but the +manner in which all eyes were drawn in one direction, afforded him a +liberty of action that he had eagerly improved, in a way that, he +humbly trusted, would not be thought altogether unworthy of their +approbation. While searching for minerals among the cliffs, his +attention had been drawn to certain animals that are called monkeys, +in the language of those regions; which, from very obvious +affinities of a physical nature, there was some reason to believe +might have had a common origin with the monikin species. The academy +would at once see how desirable it was to learn all the interesting +particulars of the habits, language, customs, marriages, funerals, +religious opinions, traditions, state of learning, and general moral +condition of this interesting people, with a view to ascertain +whether they were merely one of those abortions, to which, it is +known, nature is in the practice of giving birth, in the outward +appearance of their own species, or whether, as several of their +best writers had plausibly maintained, they were indeed a portion of +those whom they had been in the habit of designating as the "lost +monikins." He had succeeded in getting access to a family of these +beings, and in passing an entire day in their society. The result of +his investigations was, that they were truly of the monikin family, +retaining much of the ingenuity and many of the spiritual notions of +their origin, but with their intellects sadly blunted, and perhaps +their improvable qualities annihilated, by the concussion of the +elements that had scattered them abroad upon the face of the earth, +houseless, hopeless, regionless wanderers. The vicissitudes of +climate, and a great alteration of habits, had certainly wrought +some physical changes; but there still remained sufficient +scientific identity to prove they were monikins. They even retained, +in their traditions, some glimmerings of the awful catastrophe by +which they were separated from the rest of their fellow-creatures; +but these necessarily were vague and profitless. Having touched on +several other points connected with these very extraordinary facts, +the Doctor concluded by saying that he saw but one way in which this +discovery could be turned to any practical advantage, beyond the +confirmation it afforded of the truth of their own annals. He +suggested the expediency of fitting out expeditions to go among +these islands and seize upon a number of families, which, being +transported into Leaphigh, might found a race of useful menials, +who, while they would prove much less troublesome than those who +possessed all the knowledge of monikins, would probably be found +more intelligent and useful than any domestic animal which they at +present owned. This happy application of the subject met with +decided commendation. I observed that most of the elderly females +put their heads together on the spot, and appeared to be +congratulating each other on the prospect of being speedily relieved +from their household cares. + +Dr. Reasono next spoke of his departure from St. Helena, and of his +finally landing in Portugal. Here, agreeably to his account, he +engaged certain Savoyards to act as his couriers and guides during a +tour he intended to make through Portugal, Spain, Switzerland, +France, etc., etc., etc. I listened with admiration. Never before +had I so lively a perception of the vast difference that is effected +in our views of matters and things, by the agency of an active +philosophy, as was now furnished by the narrative of the speaker. +Instead of complaining of the treatment he had received, and of the +degradations to which he and his companions had been subjected, he +spoke of it all as so much prudent submission, on his part, to the +customs of the countries in which he happened to find himself, and +as the means of ascertaining a thousand important facts, both moral +and physical, which he proposed to submit to the academy in a +separate memoir another day. At present, he was admonished by the +clock to conclude, and he would therefore hasten his narrative as +much as possible. + +The Doctor, with great ingenuousness, confessed that he could gladly +have passed a year or two longer in those distant and highly +interesting portions of the earth; but he could not forget that he +had a duty to perform to the friends of two noble families. The +Journey of Trial had been completed under the most favorable +auspices, and the ladies naturally became anxious to return home. +They had accordingly passed into Great Britain, a country remarkable +for maritime enterprise, where he immediately commenced the +necessary preparations for their sailing. A ship had been procured +under the promise of allowing it to be freighted, free of custom- +house charges, with the products of Leaphigh. A thousand +applications had been made to him for permission to be of his party, +the natives naturally enough wishing to see a civilized country; but +prudence had admonished him to accept of those only who were the +most likely to make themselves useful. The king of Great Britain, no +mean prince in human estimation, had committed his only son and +heir-apparent to his care, with a view to his improvement by +travelling; and the lord high admiral himself had asked permission +to take command of an expedition that was of so much importance to +knowledge in general, and to his own profession in particular. + +Here Dr. Reasono ascended our tribune and presented Bob to the +academy as the Prince-Royal of Great Britain, and Captain Poke as +her lord high admiral! He pointed out certain peculiarities about +the former, the smut in particular, which had become pretty +effectually incorporated with the skin, as so many signs of royal +birth; and ordering the youngster to uncase, he drew forth the +union-jack that the lad carefully kept about his nether part as a +fender, and exhibited it as his armorial bearings--a modification of +its uses that would not have been very far out of the way, had +another limb been substituted for the agent. As for Captain Poke, he +requested the academicians to study his nautical air in general, as +furnishing sufficient proof of his pursuits, and of the ordinary +appearance of human sea-men. + + Turning to me, I was then introduced to all present as the +travelling governor and personal attendant of Bob, and as a very +respectable person in my way. He added, that he believed, also, I +had some pretension to be the discoverer of something that was +called the social-stake system; which, he dared to say, was a very +creditable discovery for one of my opportunities. + +By this prompt substitution of employments, I found I had +effectually changed places with the cabin-boy; who, instead of +waiting on me, was, in future, to receive that trifling attention at +my hands. The mates were presented as two rear-admirals at nurse, +and the crew was said to be composed of so many post-captains in the +navy of Great Britain. To conclude, the audience was given to +understand that we were all brought to Leaphigh, like the minerals +from St. Helena, as so many specimens of the human species! + +I shall not deny that Dr. Reasono had taken a very different view of +himself and his acts, as well as of me and my acts, from those I had +all along entertained myself; and yet, on reflection, it is so +common to consider ourselves in lights very different from those in +which we are viewed by others that I could not, on the whole, +complain as much of his representations as I had at first thought it +might become me to do. At all events, I was completely spared the +necessity of blushing for my generosity and disinterestedness, and +in other respects was saved the pain of viewing any part of my own +conduct under a consciousness of its attracting attention by its +singularity on the score of merit. I must say, nevertheless, that I +was both surprised and a little indignant; but the sudden and +unexpected turn that had been given to the whole affair, threw me so +completely off my centre, that for the life of me, I could not say a +word in my own behalf. To make the matter worse, that monkey +Chatterino nodded to me kindly, as if he would show the spectators +that, on the whole, he thought me a very good sort of fellow! + +After the lecture was over, the audience approached to examine us, +taking a great many amiable liberties with our persons, and +otherwise showing that we were deemed curiosities worthy of their +study. The king's cousin, too, was not neglectful of us, but he had +it announced to the assembly that we were entirely welcome to +Leaphigh; and that, out of respect to Dr. Reasono, we were all +promoted to the dignity of "honorary monikins," for the entire +period of our stay in the country. He also caused it to be +proclaimed that, if the boys annoyed us in the streets, they should +have their tails curled with birch curling-irons. As for the Doctor +himself, it was proclaimed that, in addition to his former title of +F. U. D. G. E., he was now perferred* to be even M. O. R. E., and +that he was also raised to the dignity of an H. O. A. X., the very +highest honor to which any savant of Leaphigh could attain. +[*sic] + +At length curiosity was appeased, and we we're permitted to descend +from the tribune; the company ceasing to attend to us, in order to +pay attention to each other. As I had time now to recollect myself, +I did not lose a moment in taking the two mates aside, to present a +proposition that we should go, in a body, before a notary, and enter +a protest against the unaccountable errors into which Dr. Reasono +had permitted himself to fall, whereby the truth was violated, the +rights of persons invaded, humanity dishonored, and the Leaphigh +philosophy misled. I cannot say that my arguments were well +received; and I was compelled to quit the two rear-admirals, and to +go in quest of the crew, with the conviction that the former had +been purchased. An appeal to the reckless, frank, loyal natures of +the common seamen, I thought, would not fail to meet with better +success. Here, too, I was fated to encounter disappointment. The men +swore a few hearty oaths, and affirmed that Leaphigh was a good +country. They expected pay and rations, as a matter of course, in +proportion to their new rank; and having tasted the sweets of +command, they were not yet prepared to quarrel with their good +fortune, and to lay aside the silver tankard for the tar-pot. + +Quitting the rascals, whose heads really appeared to be turned by +their unexpected elevation, I determined to hunt up Bob, and by dint +of Mr. Poke's ordinary application, compel him, at least, in despite +of the union-jack, to return to a sense of his duty, and to reassume +his old post as the servitor of my wants. I found the little +blackguard in the midst of a bevy of monikinas of all ages, who were +lavishing their attentions on his worthless person, and otherwise +doing all they could to eradicate everything like humility, or any +good quality that might happen to remain in him. He certainly gave +me a fair opportunity to commence the attack, for he wore the union- +jack over his shoulder, in the manner of a royal mantle, while the +females of inferior rank pressed about him to kiss its hem! The air +with which he received this adulation, fairly imposed on even me; +and fearful that the monikinas might mob me, should I attempt to +undeceive them--for monikinas, let them be of what species they may, +always hug a delusion--I abandoned my hostile intentions for the +moment, and hurried after Mr. Poke, little doubting my ability of +bringing one of his natural rectitude of mind to a right way of +thinking. + +The captain heard my remonstrances with a decent respect. He even +seemed to enter into my feelings with a proper degree of sympathy. +He very frankly admitted that I had not been well treated by Dr. +Reasono, and he appeared to think that a private conversation with +that individual might yet possibly have the effect of bringing him +to a more reasonable representation of facts. But, as to any sudden +and violent appeal to public opinion for justice, or an ill-advised +recourse to a notary, he strenuously objected to both. The purport +of his remarks was somewhat as follows:-- + +He was not acquainted with the Leaphigh law of protests, and, in +consequence, we might spend our money in paying fees, without +reaping any advantage; the Doctor, moreover, was a philosopher, an +F. U. D. G. E., and an H. O. A. X., and these were fearful odds to +contend against in any country, and more especially in a foreign +country; he had an innate dislike for lawsuits; the loss of my +station was certainly a grievance, but still it might be borne; as +for himself, he never asked for the office of lord high admiral of +Great Britain, but as it had been thrust upon him, why, he would do +his best to sustain the character; he knew his friends at Stunin'tun +would be glad to hear of his promotion, for, though in his country +there were no lords, nor even any admirals, his countrymen were +always exceedingly rejoiced whenever any of their fellow-citizens +were preferred to those stations by anybody but themselves, seeming +to think an honor conferred on one, was an honor conferred on the +whole nation; he liked to confer honor on his own nation, for no +people on 'arth tuck up a notion of this sort and divided it among +themselves in a way to give each a share, sooner than the people of +the States, though they were very cautious about leaving any portion +of the credit in first hands, and therefore he was disposed to keep +as much as he could while it was in his power; he believed he was a +better seaman than most of the lord high admirals who had gone +before him, and he had no fears on that score; he wondered whether +his promotion made Miss Poke lady high admiral; as I seemed greatly +put out about my own rank, he would give me the acting appointment +of a chaplain (he didn't think I was qualified to be a sea-officer), +and do doubt I had interest enough at home to get it confirmed; a +great statesman in his country had said "that few die and none +resigned," and he didn't like to be the first to set new fashions; +for his part, he rather looked upon Dr. Reasono as his friend, and +it was unpleasant to quarrel with one's friends; he was willing to +do anything in reason, but resign, and if I could persuade the +Doctor to say he had fallen into a mistake in my particular case, +and that I had been sent to Leaphigh as a lord high ambassador, lord +high priest, or lord high anything else, except lord high admiral, +why, he was ready to swear to it--though he now gave notice, that in +the event of such an arrangement, he should claim to rank me in +virtue of the date of his own commission; if he gave up his +appointment a minute sooner than was absolutely necessary, he should +lose his own self-respect, and never dare look Miss Poke in the face +again--on the whole, he should do no such thing; and, finally, he +wished me a good morning, as he was about to make a call on the lord +high admiral of Leaphigh. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +NEW LORDS, NEW LAWS--GYRATION, ROTATION, AND ANOTHER NATION; ALSO AN +INVITATION. + + +I felt that my situation had now become exceedingly peculiar. It is +true that my modesty had been unexpectedly spared, by the very +ingenious turn Dr. Reasono had given to the history of our +connection with each other; but I could not see that I had gained +any other advantage by the expedient. All my own species had, in a +sense, cut me; and I was obliged to turn despondingly, and not +without humiliation, towards the inn, where the banquet ordered by +Mr. Poke waited our appearance. + +I had reached the great square, when a tap on the knee drew my +attention to one at my side. The applicant for notice was a monikin, +who had all the physical peculiarities of a subject of Leaphigh, and +yet, who was to be distinguished from most of the inhabitants of +that country, by a longer and less cultivated nap to his natural +garment, greater shrewdness about the expression of the eyes and the +mouth, a general air of business, and, for a novelty, a bob-cauda. +He was accompanied by positively the least well-favored being of the +species I had yet seen. I was addressed by the former. + +"Good morning, Sir John Goldencalf," he commenced, with a sort of +jerk, that I afterwards learned was meant for a diplomatic +salutation; "you have not met with the very best treatment to-day, +and I have been waiting for a good opportunity to make my +condolences, and to offer my services." + +"Sir, you are only too good. I do feel a little wronged, and, I must +say, sympathy is most grateful to my feelings. You will, however, +allow me to express my surprise at your being acquainted with my +real name, as well as with my misfortunes?" + +"Why, sir, to own the truth, I belong to an examining people. The +population is very much scattered in my country, and we have fallen +into a practice of inquiry that is very natural to such a state of +things. I think you must have observed that in passing along a +common highway, you rarely meet another without a nod; while +thousands are met in a crowded street without even a glance of the +eye. We develop this principle, sir; and never let any fact escape +us for the want of a laudable curiosity." + +"You are not a subject of Leaphigh, then?" + +"God forbid! No, sir, I am a citizen of Leaplow, a great and a +glorious republic that lies three days' sail from this island; a new +nation, which is in the enjoyment of all the advantages of youth and +vigor, and which is a perfect miracle for the boldness of its +conceptions, the purity of its institutions, and its sacred respect +for the rights of monikins. I have the honor to be, moreover, the +envoy-extraordinary and minister-plenipotentiary of the republic to +the king of Leaphigh, a nation from which we originally sprung, but +which we have left far behind us in the race of glory and +usefulness. I ought to acquaint you with my name, sir, in return for +the advantage I possess on this head, in relation to yourself." + +Hereupon my new acquaintance put into my hand one of his visiting- +cards, which contained as follows:-- + +General-Commodore-Judge-Colonel + PEOPLE'S FRIEND: + +Envoy-Extraordinary and Minister-Plenipotentiary from the Republic +of Leaplow, near his Majesty the King of Leaphigh. + +"Sir," said I, pulling off my hat with a profound reverence, "I was +not aware to whom I had the honor of speaking. You appear to fill a +variety of employments, and I make no doubt, with equal skill." + +"Yes, sir, I believe I am about as good at one of my professions as +at another." + +"You will permit me to observe, however, General--a--a Judge--a--a-- +I scarcely know, dear sir, which of these titles is the most to your +taste?" + +"Use which you please, sir--I began with General, but had got as low +as Colonel before I left home. People's Friend is the only +appellation of which I am at all tenacious. Call me People's Friend, +sir, and you may call me anything else you find most convenient." + +"Sir, you are only too obliging. May I venture to ask if you have +really, propria persona, filled all these different stations in +life?" + +"Certainly, sir--I hope you do not mistake me for an impostor!" + +"As far from it as possible.--But a judge and a commodore, for +instance, are characters whose duties are so utterly at variance in +human affairs, that I will allow I find the conjunction, even in a +monikin, a little extraordinary." + +"Not at all, sir. I was duly elected to each, served my time out in +them all, and have honorable discharges to show in every instance." + +"You must have found some perplexity in the performance of duties so +very different?" + +"Ah--I see you have been long enough in Leaphigh to imbibe some of +its prejudices! It is a sad country for prejudice. I got my foot +mired in some of them myself, as soon as it touched the land. Why +sir, my card is an illustration of what we call, in Leaplow, +rotation in office." + +"Rotation in office!" + +"Yes, sir, rotation in office; a system that we invented for our +personal convenience, and which is likely to be firm, as it depends +on principles that are eternal." + +"Will you suffer me to inquire, colonel, if it has any affinity to +the social-stake system?" + +"Not in the least. That, as I understand it, is a stationary, while +this is a rotatory system. Nothing is simpler. We have in Leaplow +two enormous boxes made in the form of wheels. Into one we put the +names of the citizens, and into the other the names of the offices. +We then draw forth, in the manner of a lottery, and the thing is +settled for a twelvemonth." + +"I find this rotatory plan exceedingly simple--pray, sir, does it +work as well as it promises?" + +"To perfection.--We grease the wheels, of course, periodically." + +"And are not frauds sometimes committed by those who are selected to +draw the tickets?" + +"Oh! they are chosen precisely in the same way." + +"But those who draw THEIR tickets?" + +"All rotatory--they are drawn exactly on the same principle." + +"But there must be a beginning. Those, again, who draw THEIR +tickets--they may betray their trusts?" + +"Impossible--THEY are always the most patriotic patriots of the +land! No, no, sir--we are not such dunces as to leave anything to +corruption. Chance does it all. Chance makes me a commodore to-day-- +a judge to-morrow. Chance makes the lottery boys, and chance makes +the patriots. It is necessary to see in order to understand how much +purer and useful is your chance patriot, for instance, than one that +is bred to the calling." + +"Why, this savors, after all, of the doctrine of descents, which is +little more than matter of chance." + +"It would be so, sir, I confess, were it not that our chances centre +in a system of patriots. Our approved patriots are our guarantees +against abuses--" + +"Hem!"--interrupted the companion of Commodore People's Friend, with +an awkward distinctness, as if to recall himself to our +recollection. + +"Sir John, I crave pardon for great remissness--allow me to present +my fellow-citizen, Brigadier Downright, a gentleman who is on his +travels, like yourself; and as excellent a fellow as is to be found +in the whole monikin region." + +"Brigadier Downright, I crave the honor of your acquaintance.--But, +gentlemen, I too have been sadly negligent of politeness. A banquet +that has cost a hundred promises is waiting my appearance; and, as +some of the expected guests are unavoidably absent, if you would +favor me with your excellent society, we might spend an agreeable +hour, in the further discussion of these important interests." + +As neither of the strangers made the smallest objection to the +proposal, we were all soon comfortably situated at the dinner-table. +The commodore, who, it would seem, was habitually well fed, merely +paid a little complimentary attention to the banquet; but Mr. +Downright attacked it tooth and nail, and I had no great reason to +regret the absence of Mr. Poke. In the meantime, the conversation +did not flag. + +"I think I understand the outline of your system, Judge People's +Friend," I resumed, "with the exception of the part that relates to +the patriots. Would it be asking too much to request a little +explanation on that particular point?" + +"Not in the least, sir. Our social arrangement is founded on a hint +from nature; a base, as you will concede, that is broad enough to +sustain a universe. As a people, we are a hive that formerly swarmed +from Leaphigh; and finding ourselves free and independent, we set +about forthwith building the social system on not only a sure +foundation, but on sure principles. Observing that nature dealt in +duplicates, we pursued the hint, as the leading idea--" + +"In duplicates, commodore!" + +"Certainly, Sir John--a monikin has two eyes two ears, two nostrils, +two lungs, two arms, two hands, two legs, two feet, and so on to the +end of the chapter. On this hint, we ordered that there should be +drawn, morally, in every district of Leaplow, two distinct and +separate lines, that should run at right angles to each other. These +were termed the "political landmarks" of the country; and it was +expected that every citizen should range himself along one or the +other. All this you will understand, however, was a moral +contrivance, not a physical one." + +"Is the obligation of this moral contrivance imperative?" + +"Not legally, it is true; but then, he who does not respect it is +like one who is out of fashion, and he is so generally esteemed a +poor devil, that the usage has a good deal more than the force of a +law. At first, it was intended to make it a part of the +constitution; but one of our most experienced statesmen so clearly +demonstrated that, by so doing, we should not only weaken the nature +of the obligation, but most probably raise a party against it, that +the idea was abandoned. Indeed, if anything, both the letter and the +spirit of the fundamental law have been made to lean a little +against the practice; but having been cleverly introduced, in the +way of construction, it is now bone of our bone, and flesh of our +flesh. Well, sir, these two great political landmarks being fairly +drawn, the first effort of one who aspires to be thought a patriot +is to acquire the practice of 'toeing the mark' promptly and with +facility. But should I illustrate my positions by a few experiments, +you might comprehend the subject all the better.--For though, in +fact, the true evolutions are purely moral, as I have just had the +honor to explain, yet we have instituted a physical parallel that is +very congenial to our habits, with which the neophyte always +commences." + +Here the commodore took a bit of chalk and drew two very distinct +lines, crossing each other at right angles, through the centre of +the room. When this was done, he placed his feet together, and then +he invited me to examine if it were possible to see any part of the +planks between the extremities of his toes and the lines. After a +rigid look, I was compelled to confess it was not. + +"This is what we call 'toeing the mark'; it is social position, No. +1. Almost every citizen gets to be expert in practising it, on one +or the other of the two great political lines. After this, he who +would push his fortunes further, commences his career on the great +rotatory principle." + +"Your pardon, commodore, we call the word rotary, in English." + +"Sir, it is not expressive enough for our meaning; and therefore we +term it 'rotatory.' I shall now give you an example of position No. +2." + +Here the commodore made a spring, throwing his body, as a soldier +would express it, to the "right about," bringing, at the same time, +his feet entirely on the other side of the line; always rigidly +toeing the mark. + +"Sir," said I, "this was extremely well done; but is this evolution +as useful as certainly it is dexterous?" + +"It has the advantage of changing front, Sir John; a manoeuvre quite +as useful in politics as in war. Most all in the line get to +practise this, too, as my friend Downright, there, could show you, +were he so disposed." + +"I don't like to expose my flanks, or my rear, more than another," +growled the brigadier. + +"If agreeable, I will now show you gyration 2d, or position No. 3." + +On my expressing a strong desire to see it, the commodore put +himself again in position No. 1; and then he threw what Captain Poke +was in the habit of calling a "flap-jack," or a summerset; coming +down in a way tenaciously to toe the mark. + +I was much gratified with the dexterity of the commodore, and +frankly expressed as much; inquiring, at the same time, if many +attained to the same skill. Both the commodore and the brigadier +laughed at the simplicity of the question; the former answering that +the people of Leaplow were exceedingly active and adventurous, and +both lines had got to be so expert, that, at the word of command, +they would throw their summersets in as exact time, and quite as +promptly, as a regiment of guards would go through the evolution of +slapping their cartridge-boxes. + +"What, sir," I exclaimed, in admiration, "the entire population!" + +"Virtually, sir. There is, now and then, a stumbler; but he is +instantly kicked out of sight, and uniformly counts for nothing." + +"But as yet, commodore, your evolutions are altogether too general +to admit of the chance selection of patriots, since patriotism is +usually a monopoly." + +"Very true, Sir John; I shall therefore come to the main point +without delay. Thus far, it is pretty much an affair of the whole +population, as you say; few refusing to toe the mark, or to throw +the necessary flap-jacks, as you have ingeniously termed them. The +lines, as you may perceive, cross each other at right angles; and +there is consequently some crowding, and occasionally, a good deal +of jostling, at and near the point of junction. We begin to term a +monikin a patriot when he can perform this evolution." + +Here the commodore threw his heels into the air with such rapidity +that I could not very well tell what he was about, though it was +sufficiently apparent that he was acting entirely on the rotatory +principle. I observed that he alighted, with singular accuracy, on +the very spot where he had stood before, toeing the mark with +beautiful precision. + +"That is what we call gyration 3d, or position No. 4. He who can +execute it is considered an adept in our politics; and he invariably +takes his position near the enemy, or at the junction of the hostile +lines." + +"How, sir, are these lines, then, manned as they are with citizens +of the same country, deemed hostile?" + +"Are cats and dogs hostile, sir?--Certainly. Although standing, as +it might be, face to face, acting on precisely the same principle, +or the rotatory impulse, and professing to have exactly the same +object in view, viz., the common good, they are social, political, +and I might almost say, the moral antipodes of each other. They +rarely intermarry, never extol, and frequently refuse to speak to +one another. In short, as the brigadier could tell you, if he were +so disposed, they are antagonist, body and soul. To be plain, sir, +they are enemies." + +"This is very extraordinary for fellow-citizens!" + +"'Tis the monikin nature," observed Mr. Downright; "no doubt, sir, +men are much wiser?" + +As I did not wish to divert the discourse from the present topic, I +merely bowed to this remark, and begged the judge to proceed. + +"Well, sir," continued the latter, "you can easily imagine that they +who are placed near the point where the two lines meet, have no +sinecures. To speak the truth, they blackguard each other with all +their abilities, he who manifests the most inventive genius in this +high accomplishment, being commonly thought the cleverest fellow. +Now, sir, none but a patriot could, in the nature of things, endure +this without some other motive than his country's good, and so we +esteem them." + +"But the most patriotic patriots, commodore?" + +The minister of Leaphigh now toed the mark again, placing himself +within a few feet of the point of junction between the two lines, +and then he begged me to pay particular attention to his evolution. +When all was ready, the commodore threw himself, as it were, +invisibly into the air, again head over heels, so far as I could +discover, and alighted on the antagonist line, toeing the mark with +a most astonishing particularity. It was a clever gyration, beyond a +doubt; and the performer looked towards me, as if inviting +commendation. + +"Admirably executed, judge, and in a way to induce one to believe +that you must have paid great attention to the practice." + +"I have performed this manoeuvre, Sir John, five times in real life; +and my claim to be a patriotic patriot is founded on its invariable +success. A single false step might have ruined me; but as you say, +practice makes perfect, and perfection is the parent of success." + +"And yet I do not rightly understand how so sudden a desertion of +one's own side, to go over in this active manner head over heels, I +may say, to another side, constitutes a fair claim to be deemed so +pure a character as that of a patriot." + +"What, sir, is not he who throws himself defencelessly into the very +middle of the ranks of the enemy, the hero of the combat? Now, as +this is a political struggle, and not a warlike struggle, but one in +which the good of the country is alone uppermost, the monikin who +thus manifests the greatest devotion to the cause, must be the +purest patriot. I give you my honor, sir, all my own claims are +founded entirely on this particular merit." + +"He is right, Sir John; you may believe every word he says," +observed the brigadier, nodding. + +"I begin to understand your system, which is certainly well adapted +to the monikin habits, and must give rise to a noble emulation in +the practice of the rotatory principle. But I understood you to say, +colonel, that the people of Leaplow are from the hive of Leaphigh?" + +"Just so, sir." + +"How happens it, then, that you dock yourselves of the nobler +member, while the inhabitants of this country cherish it as the +apple of the eye--nay, as the seat of reason itself?" + +"You allude to our tails?--Why, sir, nature has dealt out these +ornaments with a very unequal hand, as you may perceive on looking +out of the window. We agree that the tail is the seat of reason, and +that the extremities are the most intellectual parts; but, as +governments are framed to equalize these natural inequalities, we +denounce them as anti-republican. The law requires, therefore, that +every citizen, on attaining his majority, shall be docked agreeably +to a standard measure that is kept in each district. Without some +such expedient, there might be an aristocracy of intellect among us, +and there would be an end of our liberties. This is the +qualification of a voter, too, and of course we all seek to obtain +it." + +Here the brigadier leaned across the table and whispered that a +great patriot, on a most trying occasion, had succeeded in throwing +a summerset out of his own into the antagonist line, and that, as he +carried with him all the sacred principles for which his party had +been furiously contending for many years, he had been +unceremoniously dragged back by his tail, which unfortunately came +within reach of those quondam friends on whom he had turned his +back; and that the law had, in truth, been passed in the interests +of the patriots. He added, that the lawful measure allowed a longer +stump than was commonly used; but that it was considered underbred +for any one to wear a dock that reached more than two inches and +three quarters of an inch into society, and that most of their +political aspirants, in particular, chose to limit themselves to one +inch and one quarter of an inch, as a proof of excessive humility. + +Thanking Mr. Downright for his clear and sensible explanation, the +conversation was resumed. + +"I had thought, as your institutions are founded on reason and +nature, judge," I continued, "that you would be more disposed ta +cultivate this member than to mutilate it; and this the more +especially, as I understand all monikins believe it to be the very +quintessence of reason." + +"No doubt, sir; we do cultivate our tails, but it is on the +vegetable principle, or as the skilful gardener lops the branch that +it may throw out more vigorous shoots. It is true, we do not expect +to see the tail itself sprouting out anew; but then we look to the +increase of its reason, and to its more general diffusion in +society. The extremities of our cauda, as fast as they are lopped, +are sent to a great intellectual mill, where the mind is extracted +from the matter, and the former is sold, on public account, to the +editors of the daily journals. This is the reason our Leaplow +journalists are so distinguished for their ingenuity and capacity, +and the reason, too, why they so faithfully represent the average of +the Leaplow knowledge." + +"And honesty, you ought to add," growled the brigadier. + +"I see the beauty of the system, judge, and very beautiful it is! +This essence of lopped tails represents the average of Leaplow +brains, being a compound of all the tails in the country; and, as a +daily journal is addressed to the average intellect of the +community, there is a singular fitness between the readers and the +readees. To complete my stock of information on this head, however, +will you just allow me to inquire what is the effect of this system +on the totality of Leaplow intelligence?" + +"Wonderful! As we are a commonwealth, it is necessary to have a +unity of sentiment on all leading matters, and by thus compounding +all the extremes of our reasons we get what is called 'public +opinion'; which public opinion is uttered through the public +journals--" + +"And a most patriotic patriot is always chosen to be the inspector +of the mill," interrupted the brigadier. + +"Better and better! you send all the finer parts of your several +intellects to be ground up and kneaded together; the compound is +sold to the journalists, who utter it anew, as the results of the +united wisdom of the country--" + +"Or, as public opinion. We make great account of reason in all our +affairs, invariably calling ourselves the most enlightened nation on +earth; but then we are especially averse to anything like an +insulated effort of the mind, which is offensive, anti-republican, +aristocratic and dangerous. We put all our trust in this +representation of brains, which is singularly in accordance with the +fundamental base of our society, as you must perceive." + +"We are a commercial people, too," put in the brigadier; "and being +much accustomed to the laws of insurance, we like to deal in +averages." + +"Very true, brother Downright, very true; we are particularly averse +to anything like inequality. Ods zooks! it is almost as great an +offence for a monikin to know more than his neighbors, as it is for +him to act on his own impulses. No--no--we are truly a free and an +independent commonwealth, and we hold every citizen as amenable to +public opinion, in all he does, says, thinks, or wishes." + +"Pray, sir, do both of the two great political lines send their +tails to the same mills, and respect the same general sentiments?" + +"No, sir; we have two public opinions in Leaplow." + +"TWO public opinions!" + +"Certainly, sir; the horizontal and the perpendicular." + +"This infers a most extraordinary fertility of thought, and one that +I hold to be almost impossible!" + +Here the commodore and the brigadier incontinently both laughed as +hard as they could; and that, too, directly in my face. + +"Dear me, Sir John--why, my dear Sir John! you are really the +drollest creature!"--gasped the judge, holding his sides--"the very +funniest question I have ev--ev--ever encountered!" He now stopped +to wipe his eyes; after which he was better able to express himself. +"The same public opinion, forsooth!--Dear me--dear me, that I should +not have made myself understood!--I commenced, my good Sir John, by +telling you that we deal in duplicates, on a hint from nature; and +that we act on the rotatory principle. In obedience to the first, we +have always two public opinions; and, although the great political +landmarks are drawn in what may be called a stationary sense, they, +too, are in truth rotatory. One, which is thought to lie parallel to +the fundamental law, or the constitutional meridian of the country, +is termed the horizontal, and the other the perpendicular line. Now, +as nothing is really stationary in Leaplow, these two great +landmarks are always acting, likewise, on the rotatory principle, +changing places periodically; the perpendicular becoming the +horizontal, and vice versa; they who toe their respective marks, +necessarily taking new views of things as they vary the line of +sight. These great revolutions are, however, very slow, and are +quite as imperceptible to those who accompany them, as are the +revolutions of our planet to its inhabitants." + +"And the gyrations of the patriots, of which the judge has just now +spoken," added the brigadier, "are much the same as the eccentric +movements of the comets that embellish the solar system, without +deranging it by their uncertain courses." + +"No, sir, we should be poorly off, indeed, if we had but ONE public +opinion," resumed the judge. "Ecod, I do not know what would become +of the most patriotic patriots in such a dilemma!" + +"Pray, sir, let me ask, as you draw for places, if you have as many +places as there are citizens?" + +"Certainly, sir. Our places are divided, firstly, into the two great +subdivisions of the 'inner' and the 'outer.' Those who toe the mark +on the most popular line occupy the former, and those who toe the +mark on the least popular line take all the rest, as a matter of +course. The first, however, it is necessary to explain, are the only +places worth having. As great care is had to keep the community +pretty nearly equally divided--" + +"Excuse the interruption--but in what manner is this effected?" + +"Why, as only a certain number can toe the mark, we count all those +who are not successful in getting up to the line, as outcasts; and, +after fruitlessly hanging about our skirts for a time, they +invariably go over to the other line; since it is better to be first +in a village than second in Rome. We thus keep up something like an +equilibrium in the state, which, as you must know, is necessary to +liberty. The minority take the outer places, and all the inner are +left to the majority. Then comes another subdivision of the places; +that is to say, one division is formed of the honorary, and another +of the profitable places. The honorary, or about nine-tenths of all +the inner places, are divided, with great impartiality, among the +mass of those who have toed the mark on the strongest side, and who +usually are satisfied with the glory of the victory. The names of +the remainder are put into the wheels to be drawn for against the +prizes, on the rotatory principle." + +"And the patriots, sir;--are they included in this chance medley?" + +"Far from it. As a reward for their dangers, they have a little +wheel to themselves, although they, also, are compelled to submit to +the rotatory principle. Their cases differ from those of the others, +merely in the fact that they always get something." + +I would gladly have pursued the conversation, which was opening a +flood of light upon my political understanding; but just then, a +fellow with the air of a footman entered, carrying a packet tied to +the end of his cauda. Turning round, he presented his burden, with +profound respect, and withdrew. I found that the packet contained +three notes with the following addresses: + +"To His Royal Highness Bob, Prince of Wales, etc., etc., etc." + +"To My Lord High Admiral Poke, etc., etc., etc." + +"To Master Goldencalf, Clerk, etc., etc., etc." + +Apologizing to my guests, the seal of my own note was eagerly +opened. It read as follows: + +"The Right Honorable the Earl of Chatterino, lord of the bed-chamber +in waiting on his majesty, informs Master John Goldencalf, clerk, +that he is commanded to attend the drawing-room, this evening, when +the nuptial ceremony will take place between the Earl of Chatterino +and the Lady Chatterissa, the first maid of honor to Her Majesty the +Queen. + +"N. B. The gentlemen will appear full dress." + +On explaining the contents of my note to the judge, he informed me +that he was aware of the approaching ceremony, as he had also an +invitation to be present, in his official character. I begged, as a +particular favor, England having no representative at Leaphigh, that +he would do me the honor to present me, in his capacity of a foreign +minister. The envoy made no sort of objection, and I inquired as to +the costume necessary to be observed; as, so far as I had seen, it +was good-breeding at Leaphigh to go naked. The envoy had the +goodness to explain, that, although, in point of mere attire, +clothing was extremely offensive to the people of both Leaphigh and +Leaplow, yet, in the former country, no one could present himself at +court, foreign ministers excepted, without a cauda. As soon as we +understood each other on these points, we separated, with an +understanding that I was to be in readiness (together with my +companions, of whose interest I had not been forgetful) to attend +the envoy and the brigadier, when they should call for me, at an +hour that was named. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +A COURT, A COURT-DRESS, AND A COURTIER--JUSTICE IN VARIOUS ASPECTS, +AS WELL AS HONOR. + + +My guests were no sooner gone, than I sent for the landlady, to +inquire if any court-dresses were to be had in the neighborhood. She +told me plenty might certainly be had, that were suited to the +monikin dimensions, but she much doubted whether there was a tail in +all Leaphigh, natural or artificial, that was at all fit for a +person of my stature. This was vexatious; and I was in a brown +study, calling up all my resources for the occasion, when Mr. Poke +entered the inn, carrying in his hand two as formidable ox-tails as +I remember ever to have seen. Throwing one towards me, he said the +lord high admiral of Leaphigh had acquainted him that there was an +invitation out for the prince and himself, as well as for the +governor of the former, to be present at court within an hour. He +had hurried off from what he called a very good dinner, considering +there was nothing solid (the captain was particularly fond of +pickled pork), to let me know the honor that was intended us; and on +the way home, he had fallen in with Dr. Reasono, who, on being +acquainted with his errand, had not failed to point out the +necessity of the whole party coming en habit de cour. Here was a +dilemma, with a vengeance; for the first idea that struck the +captain was, "the utter impossibility of finding anything in this +way, in all Leaphigh, befitting a lord high admiral of his length of +keel; for, as to going in an ordinary monikin queue, why, he should +look like a three-decked ship, with a brig's spar stepped for a +lower mast!" Dr. Reasono, however, had kindly removed the +embarrassment, by conducting him to the cabinet of natural history, +where three suitable appendages had been found, viz., two fine +relics of oxen, [Footnote: Cauda Bovum.--BUF.] and another, a +capital specimen, that had formerly been the mental lever, or, as +the captain expressed it, "the steering oar" of a kangaroo. The +latter had been sent off, express, with a kind consideration for the +honor of Great Britain, to Prince Bob, who was at a villa of one of +the royal family, in the neighborhood of Aggregation. + +I was greatly indebted to Noah, for his dexterity in helping me to a +good fit with my court-dress. There was not time for much +particularity, for we were in momentary expectation of Judge +People's Friend's return. All we could do, therefore, was to make a +belt of canvas (the captain being always provided with needles, +palm, etc., in his bag), and to introduce the smaller end of the +tail through a hole in the belt, drawing its base tight up to the +cloth, which, in its turn, was stitched round our bodies. This was +but an indifferent substitute for the natural appendage, it is true; +and the hide had got to be so dry and unyielding, that it was +impossible for the least observant person to imagine there was a +particle of brains in it. The arrangement had also another +disadvantage. The cauda stuck out nearly at right angles with the +position of the body, and besides occupying much more space than +would probably be permitted in the royal presence, "it gave any +jackanapes," as Noah observed, "the great advantage over us, of +making us yaw at pleasure, since he might use the outriggers as +levers." But a seaman is inexhaustible in expedients. Two "back- +stays," or "bob-stays" (for the captain facetiously gave them both +appellations) were soon "turned in," and the tails were "stayed in, +in a way to bring them as upright as trysail masts"; to which spars, +indeed, according to Noah's account of the matter, they bore no +small resemblance. + +The envoy-extraordinary of Leaplow, accompanied by his friend, +Brigadier Downright, arrived just as we were dressed; and a most +extraordinary figure the former cut, if truth must be said. Although +obliged to be docked, according to the Leaplow law, to six inches, +and brought down to a real bob, by both the public opinions of his +country, for this was one of the few points on which these +antagonist sentiments were perfectly agreed, he now appeared in just +the largest brush I remember to have seen appended to a monikin! I +felt a strong inclination to joke the rotatory republican on this +coquetry; but then I remembered how sweet any stolen indulgence +becomes; and, for the life of me, I could not give utterance to a +bon-mot. The elegance of the minister was rendered the more +conspicuous by the simplicity of the brigadier, who had contrived to +moustache his dock, a very short one at the best, in such a manner +as to render it nearly invisible. On my expressing a doubt to Mr. +Downright about his being admitted in such a costume, he snapped his +fingers, and gave me to understand he knew better. He appeared as a +brigadier of Leaplow (I found afterwards that he was in truth no +soldier, but that it was a fashion among his countrymen to travel +under the title of brigadier), and this was his uniform; and he +should like to see the chamberlain who would presume to call in +question the state of his wardrobe! As it was no affair of mine, I +prudently dropped the subject, and we were soon in the court of the +palace. + +I shall pass over the parade of guards, the state bands, the +sergeant-trumpeters, the crowd of footmen and pages, and conduct the +reader at once to the ante-chamber. Here we found the usual throng +composed of those who live in the smiles of princes. There was a +great deal of politeness, much bowing and curtseying, and the +customary amount of genteel empressement to be the first to bask in +the sunshine of royalty. Judge People's Friend, in his character of +a foreign minister, was privileged; and we had enjoyed the private +entree, and were now, of right, placed nearest to the great doors of +the royal apartments. Most of the diplomatic corps were already in +attendance, and, quite as a matter of course, there were a great +many cordial manifestations, of the ardent attachment that bound +them and their masters together, in the inviolable bonds of a most +sacred amity. Judge People's Friend, according to his own account of +the matter, represented a great nation--a very great nation--and yet +I did not perceive that he met with a warm--a very warm--reception. +However, as he seemed satisfied with himself, and all around him, it +would have been unkind, not to say rude, in a stranger to disturb +his self-esteem; and I took especial care, therefore, not to betray, +by the slightest hint, my opinion that a good many near his person +seemed to think him and his artificial queue somewhat in the way. +The courtiers of Leaphigh, in particular, who are an exceedingly +exclusive and fastidious corps, appeared to regard the privileges of +the judge with an evil eye; and one or two of them actually held +their noses as he flourished his brush a little too near their +sacred faces, as if they found its odor out of fashion. While making +these silent observations, a page cried out from the lower part of +the saloon, "Room for His Royal Highness the Crown Prince of Great +Britain!" The crowd opened, and that young blackguard Bob walked up +the avenue, in state. He wore the turnspit garment as the base of +his toilet; but the superstructure was altogether more in keeping +with the rascal's assumed character. The union-jack was thrown over +his shoulder in the fashion of a mantle, and it was supported by the +cook and steward of the Walrus (two blacks), both clothed as +alligators. The kangaroo's tail was rigged in a way to excite +audible evidences of envy in the heart of Mr. Poke. The stepping of +it, the captain whispered, "did the young dog great credit, for it +looked as natural as the best wig he had ever seen; and then, in +addition to the bob-stay, it had two guys, which acted like the +yoke-lines of a boat, or in such a way, that by holding one in each +hand, the brush could be worked 'starboard and larboard' like a +rudder." I have taken this description mainly from the mouth of the +captain, and most sincerely do I hope it may be intelligible to the +reader. + +Bob appeared to be conscious of his advantages; for, on reaching the +upper end of the room, he began whisking his tail, and flourishing +it to the right and left, so as to excite a very perceptible and +lively admiration in the mind of Judge People's Friend--an effect +that so much the more proved the wearer's address, for that high +functionary was bound ex officio to entertain a sovereign contempt +for all courtly vanities. I saw the eye of the captain kindle, +however, and when the insolent young coxcomb actually had the +temerity to turn his back on his master, and to work his brush under +his very nose, human nature could endure no more. The right leg of +my lord high admiral slowly retired, with somewhat of the caution of +the cat about to spring, and then it was projected forward, with a +rapidity that absolutely lifted the crown prince from the floor. + +The royal self-possession of Bob could not prevent an exclamation of +pain, as well as of surprise, and some of the courtiers ran forward +involuntarily to aid him--for courtiers always ran involuntarily to +the succor of princes. At least a dozen of the ladies offered their +smelling-bottles, with the most amiable assiduity and concern. To +prevent any disagreeable consequences, however, I hastened to +acquaint the crowd that in Great Britain, it is the usage to cuff +and kick the whole royal family; and that, in short, it is no more +than the customary tribute of the subject to the prince. In proof of +what I said, I took good care to give the saucy young scoundrel a +touch of my own homage. The monikins, who know that different +customs prevail in different nations, hastened to compliment the +young scion of royalty in the same manner; and both the cook and +steward relieved their ennui by falling into the track of imitation. +Bob could not stand the last applications; and he was about to beat +a retreat, when the master of ceremonies appeared, to conduct him to +the royal presence. + +The reader is not to be misled by the honors that were paid to the +imaginary crown prince, and to suppose that the court of Leaphigh +entertained any peculiar respect for that of Great Britain. It was +merely done on the principle that governed the conduct of our own +learned sovereign, King James I., when he refused to see the amiable +Pocahontas of Virginia, because she had degraded royalty by +intermarrying with a subject. The respect was paid to the caste, and +not to the individual, to his species, or to his nation. + +Let his privileges come from what cause they would, Bob was glad +enough to get out of the presence of Captain Poke--who had already +pretty plainly threatened, in the Stunin'tun dialect, to unship his +cauda--into that of the majesty of Leaphigh. A few minutes +afterwards, the doors were thrown open, and the whole company +advanced into the royal apartments. + +The etiquette of the court of Leaphigh differs in many essential +particulars from the etiquette of any other court in the monikin +region. Neither the king, nor his royal consort, is ever visible to +any one in the country, so far as is vulgarly known. On the present +occasion, two thrones were placed at opposite extremities of the +salon, and a magnificent crimson damask curtain was so closely drawn +before each, that it was quite impossible to see who occupied it. On +the lowest step there stood a chamberlain or a lady of the bed- +chamber, who, severally, made all the speeches, and otherwise +enacted the parts of the illustrious couple. The reader will +understand, therefore, that all which is here attributed to either +of these great personages, was in fact performed by one or the other +of the substitutes named, and that I never had the honor of actually +standing face to face with their majesties. Everything that is now +about to be related, in short, was actually done by deputy, on the +part of the monarch and his wife. + +The king himself merely represents a sentiment, all the power +belonging to his eldest first cousin of the masculine gender, and +any intercourse with him is entirely of a disinterested or of a +sentimental character. He is the head of the church--after a very +secular fashion, however;--all the bishops and clergy therefore got +down on their knees and said their prayers; though the captain +suggested that it might be their catechisms; I never knew which. I +observed, also, that all his law officers did the same thing; but as +THEY never pray, and do not know their catechisms, I presume the +genuflections were to beg something better than the places they +actually filled. After this, came a long train of military and naval +officers, who, soldier-like, kissed his paw. The civilians next had +a chance, and then it was our turn to be presented. + +"I have the honor to present the lord high admiral of Great Britain +to your majesty," said Judge People's Friend, who had waived his +official privilege of going first, in order to do us this favor in +person; it having been decided, on a review of all the principles +that touched the case, that nothing human could take precedence of a +monikin at court, always making the exception in favor of royalty, +as in the case of Prince Bob. + +"I am happy to see you at my court, Admiral Poke," the king politely +rejoined, manifesting the tact of high rank in recognizing Noah by +his family name, to the great surprise of the old sealer. + +"King!" + +"You were about to remark?--" most graciously inquired his majesty, +a little at a loss to understand what his visitor would be at. + +"Why, I could not contain my astonishment at your memory, Mr. King, +which has enabled you to recall a name that you probably never +before heard!" + +There was now a great, and to me, a very unaccountable confusion in +the circle. It would seem, that the captain had unwittingly +trespassed on two of the most important of the rules of etiquette, +in very mortal points. He had confessed to the admission of an +emotion as vulgar as that of astonishment in the royal presence, and +he had intimated that his majesty had a memory; a property of the +mind which, as it might prove dangerous to the liberties of +Leaphigh, were it left in the keeping of any but a responsible +minister, it had long been decided it was felony to impute to the +king. By the fundamental law of the land, the king's eldest first- +cousin of the masculine gender, may have as many memories as he +please, and he may use them, or abuse them, as he shall see fit, +either in private or in the public service; but it is held to be +utterly unconstitutional and unparliamentary, and, by consequence, +extremely underbred, to insinuate, even in the most remote manner, +that the king himself has either a memory, a will, a determination, +a resolution, a desire, a conceit, an intention, or, in short, any +other intellectual property, that of a "royal pleasure" alone +excepted. It is both constitutional and parliamentary to say the +king has a "royal pleasure" provided the context goes to prove that +this "royal pleasure" is entirely at the disposition of his eldest +first-cousin of the masculine gender. + +When Mr. Poke was made acquainted with his mistake, he discovered a +proper contrition; and the final decision of the affair was +postponed, in order to have the opinion of the judges on the +propriety of taking bail, which I promptly offered to put in, in +behalf of my old shipmate. This disagreeable little interruption +temporarily disposed of, the business of the drawing-room went on. + +Noah was next conducted to the queen, who was much inclined (always +by deputy) to overlook the little mistake into which he had fallen +with her royal consort, and to receive him graciously. + +"May it please your majesty, I have the honor to present to your +majesty's royal notice the Lord Noah Poke, the lord high admiral of +a distant and but little known country, called Great Britain," said +the gold stick of the evening--Judge People's Friend being afraid of +committing Leaplow, and declining to introduce the captain to any +one else. + +"Lord Poke is a countryman of our royal cousin, the Prince Bob!" +observed the queen, in an exceedingly gracious manner. + +"No, marm," put in the sealer, promptly, "your cousin Bob is no +cousin of mine; and if it were lawful for your majesty to have a +memory, or an inclination, or anything else in that way, I should +beg the favor of you to order the young blackguard to be soundly +threshed." + +The majesty of Leaphigh stood aghast, by proxy! It would seem Noah +had now actually fallen into a more serious error than the mistake +he had made with the king. By the law of Leaphigh, the queen is not +a feme couverte. She can sue and be sued in her own name, holds her +separate estate, without the intervention of trustees, and IS +supposed to have a memory, a will, an inclination, or anything else +in that way, except a "royal pleasure," to which she cannot, of +right, lay claim. As to her, the king's first-cousin is a dead +letter; he having no more control over her conscience than he has +over the conscience of an apple-woman. In short, her majesty is +quite as much the mistress of her own convictions and conscience as +it probably ever falls to the lot of women in such high stations to +be the mistress of interests that are of so much importance to those +around them. Noah, innocently enough, I do firmly believe, had +seriously wounded all those nice sensibilities which are naturally +dependent on such an improved condition of society. Forbearance +could go no further, and I saw, by the dark looks around me, that +the captain had committed a serious crime. He was immediately +arrested, and conducted from the presence to an adjoining room, into +which I obtained admission, after a good deal of solicitation and +some very strong appeals to the sacred character of the rights of +hospitality. + +It now appeared that, in Leaphigh, the merits of a law are decided +on a principle very similar to the one we employ in England in +judging of the quality of our wines, viz., its age. The older a law, +the more it is to be respected, no doubt because, having proved its +fitness by outlasting all the changes of society, it has become more +mellow, if not more palatable. Now, by a law of Leaphigh that is +coeval with the monarchy, he who offends the queen's majesty at a +levee is to lose his head; and he who, under the same circumstances, +offends the king's majesty, necessarily the more heinous offence, is +to lose his tail. In consequence of the former punishment, the +criminal is invariably buried, and he is consigned to the usual +course of monikin regeneration and resuscitation; but in consequence +of the latter, it is thought that he is completely thrown without +the pale of reason, and is thereby consigned to the class of the +retrogressive animals. His mind diminishes, and his body increases; +the brain, for want of the means of development, takes the ascending +movement of sap again; his forehead dilates; bumps reappear; and, +finally, after passing gradually downwards in the scale of +intellect, he becomes a mass of insensible matter. Such, at least, +is the theory of his punishment. + +By another law, that is even older than the monarchy, any one who +offends in the king's palace may be tried by a very summary process, +the king's pages acting as his judges; in which case the sentence is +to be executed without delay. + +Such was the dilemma to which Noah, by an indiscretion at court, was +suddenly reduced; and, but for my prompt interference, he would +probably have been simultaneously decapitated at both extremities, +in obedience to an etiquette which prescribes that, under the +circumstances of a court trial, neither the king's nor the queen's +rights shall be entitled to precedence. In defence of my client I +urged his ignorance of the usages of the country, and, indeed, of +all other civilized countries, Stunnin'tun alone excepted. I stated +that the criminal was an object altogether unworthy of their notice; +that he was not a lord high admiral at all, but a mere pitiful +sealer; I laid some stress on the importance of maintaining friendly +relations with the sealers, who cruise so near the monikin region; I +tried to convince the judges that Noah meant no harm in imputing +moral properties to the king, and that so long as he did not impute +immoral properties to his royal consort, she might very well afford +to pardon him. I then quoted Shakspeare's celebrated lines on mercy, +which seemed to be well enough received, and committed the whole +affair to their better judgment. + +I should have got along very creditably, and most probably obtained +the immediate discharge of my friend, had not the attorney-general +of Leaphigh been drawn by curiosity into the room. Although he had +nothing to say to the merits of my arguments, he objected to every +one of them, on the ground of formality. This was too long, and that +was too short; one was too high, and another too low; a fifth was +too broad, and a sixth too narrow; in short, there was no figure of +speech of this nature to which he did not resort, in order to prove +their worthlessness, with the exception that I do not remember he +charged any of my reasons with being too deep. + +Matters were now beginning to look serious for poor Noah, when a +page came skipping in to say that the wedding was about to take +place, and that if his comrades wished to witness it, they must +sentence the prisoner without delay. Many a man, it is said, has +been hanged, in order that the judge might dine; but, in the present +instance, I do believe Captain Poke was spared, in order that his +judges might not miss a fine spectacle. I entered into recognizance, +in fifty thousand promises, for the due appearance of the criminal +on the following morning; and we all returned, in a body, to the +presence-chamber, treading on each other's tails, in the eagerness +to be foremost. + +Any one who has ever been at a human court, must very well know +that, while it is the easiest thing in the world to throw it into +commotion by a violation of etiquette, matters of mere life and +death are not at all of a nature to disturb its tranquillity. There, +everything is a matter of routine and propriety; and, to judge from +experience, nothing is so unseemly as to appear to possess human +sympathies. The fact is not very different at Leaphigh, for the +monikin sympathies, apparently, are quite as obtuse as those of men; +although justice compels me to allow, that in the case of Captain +Poke, the appeal was made in behalf of a creature of a different +species. It is also a settled principle of Leaphigh jurisprudence, +that it would be monstrous for the king to interfere in behalf of +justice-justice, however, being always administered in his name; +although it certainly is not held to be quite so improper for him to +interfere in behalf of those who have offended justice. + +As a consequence of these nice distinctions, which it requires a +very advanced stage of civilization fully to comprehend, both the +king and queen received our whole party, when we came back into the +presence, exactly as if nothing particular had occurred. Noah wore +both head and tail erect, like another; and the lord high admiral of +Leaphigh dropped into a familiar conversation with him, on the +subject of ballasting ships, in just as friendly a manner as if he +were on the best possible terms with the whole royal family. This +moral sang froid is not to be ascribed to phlegm, but is, in fact, +the result of high mental discipline, which causes the courtier to +be utterly destitute of all feeling, except in cases that affect +himself. + +It was high time now that I should be presented. Judge People's +Friend, who had witnessed the dilemma of Noah with diplomatic +unconcern, very politely renewed the offer of his services in my +favor, and I went forward and stood before the throne. + +"Sire, allow me to present a very eminent literary character among +men, a cunning clerk, by name Goldencalf," said the envoy, bowing to +his majesty. + +"He is welcome to my court," returned the king by proxy. + +"Pray, Mr. People's Friend, is not this one of the human beings who +have lately arrived in my dominions, and who have shown so much +cleverness in getting Chatterino and his governor through the ice?" + +"The very same, please your majesty; and a very arduous service it +was, and right cleverly performed." + +"This reminds me of a duty.--Let my cousin be summoned." + +I now began to see a ray of hope, and to feel the truth of the +saying which teaches us that justice, though sometimes slow, never +fails to arrive at last. I had also, now, and for the first time, a +good view of the king's eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender, +who drew near at the summons; and, while he had the appearance of +listening with the most profound attention to the instructions of +the king of Leaphigh, was very evidently telling that potentate what +he ought to do. The conference ended, his majesty's proxy spoke in a +way to be heard by all who had the good fortune to be near the royal +person. + +"Reasono did a good thing," he said; "really, a very good thing, in +bringing us these specimens of the human family. But for his +cleverness, I might have died without ever dreaming that men were +gifted with tails." [Kings never get hold of the truth at the right +end.] "I wonder if the queen knew it. Pray, did you know, my +Augusta, that men had tails?" + +"Our exemption from state affairs gives us females better +opportunities than your majesty enjoys, to study these matters," +returned his royal consort, by the mouth of her lady of the bed- +chamber. + +"I dare say I'm very silly--but our cousin, here, thinks it might be +well to do something for these good people, for it may encourage +their king himself to visit us some day." + +An exclamation of pleasure escaped the ladies; who declared, one and +all, it would be delightful to see a real human king--it would be so +funny! + +"Well, well," added the good-natured monarch, "Heaven knows what may +happen, for I have seen stranger things. Really, we ought to do +something for these good people; for, although we owe the pleasure +of their visit, in a great degree, to the cleverness of Reasono-- +who, by the way, I'm glad to hear is declared an H. O. A. X.--yet he +very handsomely admits, that but for their exertions--none of our +seamikins being within reach--it would have been quite impossible to +get through the ice. I wish I knew, now, which was the cleverest and +the most useful of their party." + +Here the queen, always thinking and speaking by proxy, suggested the +propriety of leaving the point to Prince Bob. + +"It would be no more than is due to his rank; for though they are +men, I dare say they have feelings like ourselves." + +The question was now submitted to Bob, who sat in judgment on us +all, with as much gravity as if accustomed to such duties from +infancy. It is said that men soon get to be familiar with elevation, +and that, while he who has fallen never fails to look backwards, he +who has risen invariably limits his vision to the present horizon. +Such proved to be the case with the princely Bob. + +"This person," observed the jackanapes, pointing to me, "is a very +good sort of person, it is true, but he is hardly the sort of person +your majesty wants just now. There is the lord high admiral, too-- +but--" (Bob's but was envenomed by a thousand kicks!)--"but--you +wish, sire, to know which of my father's subjects was the most +useful in getting the ship to Leaphigh?" + +"That is precisely the fact I desire to know." + +Bob hereupon pointed to the cook; who, it will be remembered, was +present as one of his train-bearers. "I believe I must say, sire, +that this is the man. He fed us all; and without food, and that in +considerable quantities, too, nothing could have been done." + +The little blackguard was rewarded for his impudence, by +exclamations of pleasure from all around him.--"It was so clever a +distinction,"--"it showed so much reflection,"--"it was so very +profound,"--"it proved how much he regarded the base of society;"-- +in short, "it was evident England would be a happy country, when he +should be called to the throne!" In the meantime the cook was +required to come forth, and kneel before his majesty. + +"What is your name?" whispered the lord of the bed-chamber, who now +spoke for himself. + +"Jack Coppers, your honor." + +The lord of the bed-chamber made a communication to his majesty, +when the sovereign turned round by proxy, with his back towards +Jack, and, giving him the accolade with his tail, he bade him rise, +as "Sir Jack Coppers." + +I was a silent, an admiring, an astounded witness of this act of +gross and flagrant injustice. Some one pulled me aside, and then I +recognized the voice of Brigadier Downright. + +"You think that honors have alighted where they are least due. You +think that the saying of your crown prince has more smartness than +truth, more malice than honesty. You think that the court has judged +on false principles, and acted on an impulse rather than on reason; +that the king has consulted his own ease in affecting to do justice; +that the courtiers have paid a homage to their master, in affecting +to pay a homage to merit; and that nothing in this life is pure or +free from the taint of falsehood, selfishness, or vanity. Alas! this +is too much the case with us monikins, I must allow; though, +doubtless, among men you manage a vast deal more cleverly." + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + +ABOUT THE HUMILITY OF PROFESSIONAL SAINTS, A SUCCESSION OF TAILS, A +BRIDE AND BRIDEGROOM, AND OTHER HEAVENLY MATTERS, DIPLOMACY +INCLUDED. + + +Perceiving that Brigadier Downright had an observant mind, and that +he was altogether superior to the clannish feeling which is so apt +to render a particular species inimical to all others, I asked +permission to cultivate his acquaintance; begging, at the same time, +that he would kindly favor me with such remarks as might be +suggested by his superior wisdom and extensive travels, on any of +those customs or opinions that would naturally present themselves in +our actual situation. The brigadier took the request in good part, +and we began to promenade the rooms in company. As the Archbishop of +Aggregation, who was to perform the marriage ceremony, was shortly +expected, the conversation very naturally turned on the general +state of religion in the monikin region. + +I was delighted to find that the clerical dogmas of this insulated +portion of the world were based on principles absolutely identical +with those of all Christendom. The monikins believe that they are a +miserable lost set of wretches, who are so debased by nature, so +eaten up by envy, uncharitableness, and all other evil passions, +that it is quite impossible they can do anything that is good of +themselves; that their sole dependence is on the moral interference +of the great superior power of creation; and that the very first, +and the one needful step of their own, is to cast themselves +entirely on this power for support, in a proper spirit of dependence +and humility. As collateral to, and consequent on, this condition of +the mind, they lay the utmost stress on a disregard of all the +vanities of life, a proper subjection of the lusts of the flesh, and +an abstaining from the pomp and vainglory of ambition, riches, +power, and the faculties. In short, the one thing needful was +humility--humility--humility. Once thoroughly humbled to a degree +that put them above the danger of backsliding, they obtained +glimpses of security, and were gradually elevated to the hopes and +the condition of the just. + +The brigadier was still eloquently discoursing on this interesting +topic, when a distant door opened, and a gold stick, or some other +sort of stick, announced the right reverend father in God, his grace +the most eminent and most serene prelate, the very puissant and +thrice gracious and glorified saint, the Primate of All Leaphigh! + +The reader will anticipate the eager curiosity with which I advanced +to get a glimpse of a saint under a system as sublimated as that of +the great monikin family. Civilization having made such progress as +to strip all the people, even to the king and queen, entirely of +everything in the shape of clothes, I did not well see under what +new mantle of simplicity the heads of the church could take refuge! +Perhaps they shaved off all the hair from their bodies in sign of +supereminent self-abasement, leaving themselves naked to the +cuticle, that they might prove, by ocular evidence, what a poor +ungainly set of wretches they really were, carnally considered; or +perhaps they went on all-fours to heaven, in sign of their unfitness +to enter into the presence of the pure of mind in an attitude more +erect and confident. Well, these fancies of mine only went to prove +how erroneous and false are the conclusions of one whose capacity +has not been amplified and concatenated by the ingenuities of a very +refined civilization. His grace the most gracious father in God, +wore a mantle of extraordinary fineness and beauty, the material of +which was composed of every tenth hair taken from all the citizens +of Leaphigh, who most cheerfully submitted to be shaved, in order +that the wants of his most eminent humility might be decently +supplied. The mantle, wove from such a warp and such a woof, was +necessarily very large; and it really appeared to me that the +prelate did not very well know what to do with so much of it, more +especially as the contributions include a new robe annually. I was +now desirous of getting a sight of his tail; for, knowing that the +Leaphighers take great pride in the length and beauty of that +appurtenance, I very naturally supposed that a saint who wore so +fine and glorious a robe, by way of humility, must have recourse to +some novel expedient to mortify himself on his sensitive subject, at +least. I found that the ample proportions of the mantle concealed +not only the person, but most of the movements of the archbishop; +and it was with many doubts of my success that I led the brigadier +behind the episcopal train to reconnoitre. The result disappointed +expectation again. Instead of being destitute of a tail, or of +concealing that with which nature had supplied him beneath his +mantle, the most gracious dignitary wore no less than six caudae, +viz., his own, and five others added to it, by some subtle process +of clerical ingenuity that I shall not attempt to explain; one "bent +on the other," as the captain described them in a subsequent +conversation. This extraordinary train was allowed to sweep the +floor; the only sign of humility, according to my uninstructed +faculties, I could discern about the person and appearance of this +illustrious model of clerical self-mortification and humility. + +The brigadier, however, was not tardy in setting me right. In the +first place, he gave me to understand that the hierarchy of Leaphigh +was illustrated by the order of their tails. Thus, a deacon wore one +and a half; a curate, if a minister, one and three-quarters, and a +rector two; a dean, two and a half, an archdeacon, three; a bishop, +four; the Primate of Leaphigh, five, and the Primate of ALL +Leaphigh, six. The origin of the custom, which was very ancient, and +of course very much respected, was imputed to the doctrine of a +saint of great celebrity, who had satisfactorily proved that as the +tail was the intellectual or the spiritual part of a monikin, the +farther it was removed from the mass of matter, or the body, the +more likely it was to be independent, consecutive, logical, and +spiritualized. The idea had succeeded astonishingly at first; but +time, which will wear out even a cauda, had given birth to schisms +in the church on this interesting subject; one party contending that +two more joints ought to be added to the archbishop's embellishment, +by way of sustaining the church, and the other that two joints ought +to be incontinently abstracted, in the way of reform. + +These explanations were interrupted by the appearance of the bride +and bridegroom, at different doors. The charming Chatterissa +advanced with a most prepossessing modesty, followed by a glorious +train of noble maidens, all keeping their eyes, by a rigid ordinance +of hymeneal etiquette, dropped to the level of the queen's feet. On +the other hand, my lord Chatterino, attended by that coxcomb +Hightail, and others of his kidney, stepped towards the altar with a +lofty confidence, which the same etiquette exacted of the +bridegroom. The parties were no sooner in their places, than the +prelate commenced. + +The marriage ceremony, according to the formula of the established +church of Leaphigh, is a very solemn and imposing ceremony. The +bridegroom is required to swear that he loves the bride and none but +the bride; that he has made his choice solely on account of her +merits, uninfluenced even by her beauty; and that he will so far +command his inclinations as, on no account, ever to love another a +jot. The bride, on her part, calls heaven and earth to witness, that +she will do just what the bridegroom shall ask of her; that she will +be his bondwoman, his slave, his solace and his delight; that she is +quite certain no other monikin could make her happy, but, on the +other hand, she is absolutely sure that any other monikin would be +certain to make her miserable. When these pledges, oaths, and +asseverations were duly made and recorded, the archbishop caused the +happy pair to be wreathed together, by encircling them with his +episcopal tail, and they were then pronounced monikin and monikina. +I pass over the congratulations, which were quite in rule, to relate +a short conversation I held with the brigadier. + +"Sir," said I, addressing that person, as soon as the prelate said +"amen," "how is this? I have seen a certificate, myself, which +showed that there was a just admeasurement of the fitness of this +union, on the score of other considerations than those mentioned in +the ceremony?" + +"That certificate has no connection with this ceremony." + +"And yet this ceremony repudiates all the considerations enumerated +in the certificate?" + +"This ceremony has no connection with that certificate." + +"So it would seem; and yet both refer to the same solemn +engagement!" + +"Why, to tell you the truth, Sir John Goldencalf, we monikins (for +in these particulars Leaphigh is Leaplow) have two distinct +governing principles in all that we say or do, which may be divided +into the theoretical and the practical--moral and immoral would not +be inapposite--but, by the first we control all our interests, down +as far as facts, when we immediately submit to the latter. There may +possibly be something inconsistent in appearance in such an +arrangement; but then our most knowing ones say that it works well. +No doubt among men, you get along without the embarrassment of so +much contradiction." + +I now advanced to pay my respects to the Countess of Chatterino, who +stood supported by the countess-dowager, a lady of great dignity and +elegance of demeanor. The moment I appeared, the elaborate air of +modesty, vanished from the charming countenance of the bride, in a +look of natural pleasure; and, turning to her new mother, she +pointed me out as a man! The courteous old dowager gave me a very +kind reception, inquiring if I had enough good things to eat, +whether I was not much astonished at the multitude of strange sights +I beheld in Leaphigh, said I ought to be much obliged to her son for +consenting to bring me over, and invited me to come and see her some +fine morning. + +I bowed my thanks, and then returned to join the brigadier, with a +view to seek an introduction to the archbishop. Before I relate the +particulars of my interview with that pious prelate, however, it may +be well to say that this was the last I ever saw of any of the +Chatterino set, as they retired from the presence immediately after +the congratulations were ended. I heard, however, previously to +leaving the region, which was within a month of the marriage, that +the noble pair kept separate establishments, on account of some +disagreement about an incompatibility of temper--or a young officer +of the guards--I never knew exactly which; but as the estates suited +each other so well, there is little doubt that, on the whole, the +match was as happy as could be expected. + +The archbishop received me with a great deal of professional +benevolence, the conversation dropping very naturally into a +comparison of the respective religious systems of Great Britain and +Leaphigh. He was delighted when he found we had an establishment; +and I believe I was indebted to his knowledge of this fact for his +treating me more as an equal than he might otherwise have done, +considering the difference in species. I was much relieved by this; +for, at the commencement of the conversation, he had sounded me a +little on doctrine, at which I am far from being expert, never +having taken an interest in the church, and I thought he looked +frowning at some of my answers; but, when he heard that we really +had a national religion, he seemed to think all safe, nor did he +once, after that, inquire whether we were pagans or Presbyterians. +But when I told him we had actually a hierarchy, I thought the good +old prelate would have shaken my hand off, and beatified me on the +spot! + +"We shall meet in heaven some day!" he exclaimed, with holy delight; +"men or monikins, it can make no great difference, after all. We +shall meet in heaven; and that, too, in the upper mansions!" + +The reader will suppose that, an alien, and otherwise unknown, I was +much elated by this distinction. To go to heaven in company with the +Archbishop of Leaphigh was in itself no small favor; but to be thus +noticed by him at court was really enough to upset the philosophy of +a stranger. I was sorely afraid, all the while, he would descend to +particulars, and that he might have found some essential points of +difference to nip his new-born admiration. Had he asked me, for +instance, how many caudae our bishops wear, I should have been +badgered; for, as near as I could recollect, their personal +illustration was of another character. The venerable prelate, +however, soon gave me his blessing, pressed me warmly to come to his +palace before I sailed, promised to send some tracts by me to +England, and then hurried away, as he said, to sign a sentence of +excommunication against an unruly presbyter, who had much disturbed +the harmony of the church, of late, by an attempt to introduce a +schism that he called "piety." + +The brigadier and myself discussed the subject of religion at some +length, when the illustrious prelate had taken his leave. I was told +that the monikin world was pretty nearly equally divided into two +parts, the old and the new. The latter had remained uninhabited, +until within a few generations, when certain monikins, who were too +good to live in the old world, emigrated in a body, and set up for +themselves in the new. This, the brigadier admitted, was the Leaplow +account of the matter; the inhabitants of the old countries, on the +other hand, invariably maintaining that they had peopled the new +countries by sending all those of their own communities there, who +were not fit to stay at home. This little obscurity in the history +of the new world, he considers of no great moment, as such trifling +discrepancies must always depend on the character of the historian. +Leaphigh was by no means the only country in the elder monikin +region. There were among others, for instance, Leapup and Leapdown; +Leapover and Leapthrough; Leaplong and Leapshort; Leapround and +Leapunder. Each of these countries had a religious establishment, +though Leaplow, being founded on a new social principle, had none. +The brigadier thought, himself, on the whole, that the chief +consequences of the two systems were, that the countries which had +establishments had a great reputation for possessing religion, and +those that had no establishments were well enough off in the article +itself, though but indifferently supplied on the score of +reputation. + +I inquired of the brigadier if he did not think an establishment had +the beneficial effect of sustaining truth, by suppressing heresies, +limiting and curtailing prurient theological fancies, and otherwise +setting limits to innovations. My friend did not absolutely agree +with me in all these particulars; though he very frankly allowed +that it had the effect of keeping TWO truths from falling out, by +separating them. Thus, Leapup maintained one set of religious dogmas +under its establishment, and Leapdown maintained their converse. By +keeping these truths apart, no doubt, religious harmony was +promoted, and the several ministers of the gospel were enabled to +turn all their attention to the sins of the community, instead of +allowing it to be diverted to the sins of each other, as was very +apt to be the case when there was an antagonist interest to oppose. + +Shortly after, the king and queen gave us all our conges. Noah and +myself got through the crowd without injury to our trains, and we +separated in the court of the palace; he to go to his bed and dream +of his trial on the morrow, and I to go home with Judge People's +Friend and the brigadier, who had invited me to finish the evening +with a supper. I was left chatting with the last, while the first +went into his closet to indite a dispatch to his government, +relating to the events of the evening. + +The brigadier was rather caustic in his comments on the incidents of +the drawing-room. A republican himself, he certainly did love to +give royalty and nobility some occasional rubs; though I must do +this worthy, upright monikin the justice to say, he was quite +superior to that vulgar hostility which is apt to distinguish many +of his caste, and which is founded on a principle as simple as the +fact that they cannot be kings and nobles themselves. + +While we were chatting very pleasantly, quite at our ease, and in +undress as it were, the brigadier in his bob, and I with my tail +aside, Judge People's Friend rejoined us, with his dispatch open in +his hand. He read aloud what he had written, to my great +astonishment, for I had been accustomed to think diplomatic +communications sacred. But the judge observed, that in this case it +was useless to affect secrecy, for two very good reasons; firstly, +because he had been obliged to employ a common Leaphigh scrivener to +copy what he had written--his government depending on a noble +republican economy, which taught it that, if it did get into +difficulties by the betrayal of its correspondence, it would still +have the money that a clerk would cost, to help it out of the +embarrassment; and, secondly, because he knew the government itself +would print it as soon as it arrived. For his part, he liked to have +the publishing of his own works. Under these circumstances, I was +even allowed to take a copy of the letter, of which I now furnish a +fac-simile. + +"SIR:--The undersigned, envoy-extraordinary and minister- +plenipotentiary of the North-Western Leaplow Confederate Union, has +the honor to inform the secretary of state, that our interests in +this portion of the earth are, in general, on the best possible +footing; our national character is getting every day to be more and +more elevated; our rights are more and more respected, and our flag +is more and more whitening every sea. After this flattering and +honorable account of the state of our general concerns, I hasten to +communicate the following interesting particulars. + +"The treaty between our beloved North-Western Confederate Union and +Leaphigh, has been dishonored in every one of its articles; nineteen +Leaplow seamen have been forcibly impressed into a Leapthrough +vessel of war; the king of Leapup has made an unequivocal +demonstration with a very improper part of his person, at us; and +the king of Leapover has caused seven of our ships to be seized and +sold, and the money to be given to his mistress. + +"Sir, I congratulate you on this very flattering condition of our +foreign relations; which can only be imputed to the glorious +constitution of which we are the common servants, and to the just +dread which the Leaplow name has so universally inspired in other +nations. + +"The king has just had a drawing-room, in which I took great care to +see that the honor of our beloved country should be faithfully +attended to. My cauda was at least three inches longer than that of +the representative of Leapup, the minister most favored by nature in +this important particular; and I have the pleasure of adding, that +her majesty the queen deigned to give me a very gracious smile. Of +the sincerity of that smile there can be no earthly doubt, sir; for, +though there is abundant evidence that she did apply certain +unseemly words to our beloved country lately, it would quite exceed +the rules of diplomatic courtesy, and be unsustained by proof, were +we to call in question her royal sincerity on this public occasion. +Indeed, sir, at all the recent drawing-rooms I have received smiles +of the most sincere and encouraging character, not only from the +king, but from all his ministers, his first-cousin in particular; +and I trust they will have the most beneficial effects on the +questions at issue between the Kingdom of Leaphigh and our beloved +country. If they would now only do us justice in the very important +affair of the long-standing and long-neglected redress, which we +have been seeking in vain at their hands for the last seventy-two +years, I should say that our relations were on the best possible +footing. + +"Sir, I congratulate you on the profound respect with which the +Leaplow name is treated, in the most distant quarters of the earth, +and on the benign influence this fortunate circumstance is likely to +exercise on all our important interests. + +"I see but little probability of effecting the object of my special +mission, but the utmost credit is to be attached to the sincerity of +the smiles of the king and queen, and of all the royal family." + +"In a late conversation with his majesty, he inquired in the kindest +manner after the health of the Great Sachem [this is the title of +the head of the Leaplow government], and observed that our growth +and prosperity put all other nations to shame; and that we might, on +all occasions, depend on his most profound respect and perpetual +friendship. In short, sir, all nations, far and near, desire our +alliance, are anxious to open new sources of commerce, and entertain +for us the profoundest respect, and the most inviolable esteem. You +can tell the Great Sachem that this feeling is surprisingly +augmented under his administration, and that it has at least +quadrupled during my mission. If Leaphigh would only respect its +treaties, Leapthrough would cease taking our seamen, Leapup have +greater deference for the usages of good society, and the king of +Leapover would seize no more of our ships to supply his mistress +with pocket-money, our foreign relations might be considered to be +without spot. As it is, sir, they are far better off than I could +have expected, or indeed had ever hoped to see them; and of one +thing you may be diplomatically certain, that we are universally +respected, and that the Leaplow name is never mentioned without all +in company rising and waving their caudae." + +"(Signed.) JUDAS PEOPLE'S FRIEND." + +"Hon.---------, etc." + +"P. S. (Private.)" + +"Dear Sir:--If you publish this dispatch, omit the part where the +difficulties are repeated, I beg you will see that my name is put in +with those of the other patriots, against the periodical rotation of +the little wheel, as I shall certainly be obliged to return home +soon, having consumed all my means. Indeed, the expense of +maintaining a tail, of which our people have no notion, is so very +great, that I think none of our missions should exceed a week in +duration. + +"I would especially advise that the message should dilate on the +subject of the high standing of the Leaplow character in foreign +nations; for, to be frank with you, facts require that this +statement should be made as often as possible." + +When this letter was read, the conversation reverted to religion. +The brigadier explained that the law of Leaphigh had various +peculiarities on this subject, that I do not remember to have heard +of before. Thus, a monikin could not be born without paying +something to the church, a practice which early initiated him into +his duties towards that important branch of the public welfare; and, +even when he died, he left a fee behind him, for the parson, as an +admonition to those who still existed in the flesh, not to forget +their obligations. He added that this sacred interest was, in short, +so rigidly protected, that, whenever a monikin refused to be plucked +for a new clerical or episcopal mantle, there was a method of +fleecing him, by the application of red-hot iron rods, which +generally singed so much of his skin, that he was commonly willing, +in the end, to let the hair-proctors pick and choose at pleasure. + +I confess I was indignant at this picture, and did not hesitate to +stigmatize the practice as barbarous. + +"Your indignation is very natural, Sir John, and is just what a +stranger would be likely to feel, when he found mercy, and charity, +and brotherly love, and virtue, and, above all, humility, made the +stalking-horses of pride, selfishness, and avarice. But this is the +way with us monikins; no doubt, men manage better." + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + +A VERY COMMON CASE: OR A GREAT DEAL OF LAW, AND VERY LITTLE JUSTICE- +-HEADS AND TAILS, WITH THE DANGERS OF EACH. + + +I was early with Noah on the following morning. The poor fellow, +when it is remembered that he was about to be tried for a capital +offence, in a foreign country, under novel institutions, and before +a jury of a different species, manifested a surprising degree of +fortitude. Still, the love of life was strong within him, as was +apparent by the way in which he opened the discourse. + +"Did you observe how the wind was this morning, Sir John, as you +came in?" the straightforward sealer inquired, with a peculiar +interest. + +"It is a pleasant gale from the southward." + +"Right off shore! If one knew where all them blackguards of rear +admirals and post captains were to be found, I don't think, Sir, +John, that you would care much about paying those fifty thousand +promises?" + +"My recognizances?--Not in the least, my dear friend, were it not +for our honor. It would scarcely be creditable for the Walrus to +sail, however, leaving an unsettled account of her captain's behind +us. What would they say at Stunin'tun--what would your own consort +think of an act so unmanly?" + +"Why, at Stunin'tun, we think him the smartest who gets the easiest +out of any difficulty; and I don't well see why Miss Poke should +know it--or, if she did, why she should think the worse of her +husband, for saving his life." + +"Away with these unworthy thoughts, and brace yourself to meet the +trial. We shall, at least, get some insight into the Leaphigh +jurisprudence. Come, I see you are already dressed for the occasion; +let us be as prompt as duellists." + +Noah made up his mind to submit with dignity; although he lingered +in the great square, in order to study the clouds, in a way to show +he might have settled the whole affair with the fore-topsail, had he +known where to find his crew. Fortunately for the reputations of all +concerned, however, he did not; and, discarding everything like +apprehension from his countenance, the sturdy mariner entered the +Old Bailey with the tread of a man and the firmness of innocence. I +ought to have said sooner, that we had received notice early in the +morning, that the proceedings had been taken from before the pages, +on appeal, and that a new venue had been laid in the High Criminal +Court of Leaphigh. + +Brigadier Downright met us at the door; where also a dozen grave, +greasy-looking counsellors gathered about us, in a way to show that +they were ready to volunteer in behalf of the stranger, on receiving +no more than the customary fee. But I had determined to defend Noah +myself (the court consenting) for I had forebodings that our safety +would depend more on an appeal to the rights of hospitality, than on +any legal defence it was in our power to offer. As the brigadier +kindly volunteered to aid me for nothing, I thought proper not to +refuse his services, however. + +I pass over the appearance of the court, the empanelling of the +jury, and the arraignment; for, in matters of mere legal forms, +there is no great difference between civilized countries, all of +them wearing the same semblance of justice. The first indictment, +for unhappily there were two, charged Noah with having committed an +assault, with malice prepense, on the king's dignity, with "sticks, +daggers, muskets, blunderbusses, air-guns, and other unlawful +weapons, more especially with the tongue, in that he had accused his +majesty, face to face, with having a memory, etc., etc." The other +indictment, repeating the formula of the first, charged the honest +sealer with feloniously accusing her majesty the queen, "in defiance +of the law, to the injury of good morals and the peace of society, +with having no memory, etc., etc." To both these charges the plea of +"not guilty," was entered as fast as possible, in behalf of our +client. + +I ought to have said before, that both Brigadier Downright and +myself had applied to be admitted of counsel for the accused, under +an ancient law of Leaphigh, as next of kin; I as a fellow human +being, and the brigadier by adoption. + +The preliminary forms observed, the attorney-general was about to go +into proof, in behalf of the crown, when my brother Downright arose +and said that he intended to save the precious time of the court, by +admitting the facts; and that it was intended to rest the defence +altogether on the law of the case. He presumed the jury were the +judges of the law as well as of the facts, according to the rule of +Leaplow, and that "he and his brother Goldencalf were quite prepared +to show that the law was altogether with us, in this affair." The +court received the admission, and the facts were submitted to the +jury, by consent, as proven; although the chief-justice took +occasion to remark, Longbeard dissenting, that, while the jury were +certainly judges of the law, in one sense, yet there was another +sense in which they were not judges of the law. The dissent of Baron +Longbeard went to maintain that while the jury were the judges of +the law in the "another sense" mentioned, they were not judges of +the law in the "one sense" named. This difficulty disposed of, Mr. +Attorney-General arose and opened for the crown. + +I soon found that we had one of a very comprehensive and +philosophical turn of mind against us, in the advocate of the other +side. He commenced his argument by a vigorous and lucid sketch of +the condition of the world previously to the subdivisions of its +different inhabitants into nations, and tribes, and clans, while in +the human or chrysalis condition. From this statement, he deduced +the regular gradations by which men become separated into +communities, and subjected to the laws of civilization, or what is +called society. Having proceeded thus far, he touched lightly on the +different phases that the institutions of men had presented, and +descended gradually and consecutively to the fundamental principles +of the social compact, as they were known to exist among monikins. +After a few general observations that properly belonged to the +subject, he came to speak of those portions of the elementary +principles of society that are connected with the rights of the +sovereign. These he divided into the rights of the king's +prerogative, the rights of the king's person, and the rights of the +king's conscience. Here he again generalized a little, and in a very +happy manner; so well, indeed, as to leave all his hearers in doubt +as to what he would next be at; when, by a fierce logical swoop, he +descended suddenly on the last of the king's rights, as the one that +was most connected with the subject. + +He triumphantly showed that the branch of the royal immunities that +was chiefly affected by the offence of the prisoner at the bar, was +very clearly connected with the rights of the king's conscience. +"The attributes of royalty," observed the sagacious advocate, "are +not to be estimated in the same manner as the attributes of the +subject. In the sacred person of the king are centred many, if not +most, of the interesting privileges of monikinism. That royal +personage, in apolitical sense, can do no wrong: official +infallibility is the consequence. Such a being has no occasion for +the ordinary faculties of the monikin condition. Of what use, for +instance, is a judgment, or a conscience, to a functionary who can +do no wrong? The law, in order to relieve one on whose shoulders was +imposed the burden of the state, had consequently placed the latter +especially in the keeping of another. His majesty's first-cousin is +the keeper of his conscience, as is known throughout the realm of +Leaphigh. A memory is the faculty of the least account to a +personage who has no conscience; and, while it is not contended that +the sovereign is relieved from the possession of his memory by any +positive statute law, or direct constitutional provision, it +follows, by unavoidable implication, and by all legitimate +construction, that, having no occasion to possess such a faculty, it +is the legal presumption he is altogether without it. + +"That simplicity, lucidity and distinctness, my lords," continued +Mr. Attorney-General, "which are necessary to every well-ordered +mind, would be impaired, in the case of his majesty, were his +intellectual faculties unnecessarily crowded in this useless manner, +and the state would be the sufferer. My lords, the king reigns, but +he does not govern. This is a fundamental principle of the +constitution; nay, it is more--it is the palladium of our liberties! +My lords, it is an easy matter to reign in Leaphigh. It requires no +more than the rights of primogeniture, sufficient discretion to +understand the distinction between reigning and governing, and a +political moderation that is unlikely to derange the balance of the +state. But it is quite a different thing to govern. His majesty is +required to govern nothing, the slight interests just mentioned +excepted; no, not even himself. The case is far otherwise with his +first-cousin. This high functionary is charged with the important +trust of governing. It had been found, in the early ages of the +monarchy, that one conscience, or indeed one set of faculties +generally, scarcely sufficed for him whose duty it was both to reign +and to govern. We all know, my lords, how insufficient for our +personal objects are our own private faculties; how difficult we +find it to restrain even ourselves, assisted merely by our own +judgments, consciences, and memories; and in this fact do we +perceive the great importance of investing him who governs others, +with an additional set of these grave faculties. Under a due +impression of the exigency of such a state of things, the common +law--not statute law, my lords, which is apt to be tainted with the +imperfections of monikin reason in its isolated or individual state, +usually bearing the impress of the single cauda from which it +emanated--but the common law, the known receptacle of all the common +sense of the nation--in such a state of things, then, has the common +law long since decreed that his majesty's first-cousin should be the +keeper of his majesty's conscience; and, by necessary legal +implication, endowed with his majesty's judgment, his majesty's +reason, and finally, his majesty's memory. + +"My lords, this is the legal presumption. It would, in addition, be +easy for me to show, in a thousand facts, that not only the +sovereign of Leaphigh, but most other sovereigns, are and ever have +been, destitute of the faculty of a memory. It might be said to be +incompatible with the royal condition to be possessed of this +obtrusive faculty. Were a prince endowed with a memory, he might +lose sight of his high estate, in the recollection that he was born, +and that he is destined, like another, to die; he might be troubled +with visions of the past; nay, the consciousness of his very dignity +might be unsettled and weakened by a vivid view of the origin of his +royal race. Promises, obligations, attachments, duties, principles, +and even debts, might interfere with the due discharge of his sacred +trusts, were the sovereign invested with a memory; and it has, +therefore, been decided, from time immemorial, that his majesty is +utterly without the properties of reason, judgment, and memory, as a +legitimate inference from his being destitute of a conscience." + +Mr. Attorney-General now directed the attention of the court and +jury to a statute of the 3d of Firstborn 6th, by which it was +enacted that any person attributing to his majesty the possession of +any faculty, with felonious intent, that might endanger the +tranquillity of the state, should suffer decaudization, without +benefit of clergy. Here he rested the case on behalf of the crown. + +There was a solemn pause, after the speaker had resumed his seat. +His argument, logic, and above all, his good sense and undeniable +law, made a very sensible impression; and I had occasion to observe +that Noah began to chew tobacco ravenously. After a decent interval, +however, Brigadier Downright--who, it would seem, in spite of his +military appellation, was neither more nor less than a practising +attorney and counsellor in the city of Bivouac, the commercial +capital of the Republic of Leaplow--arose, and claimed a right to be +heard in reply. The court now took it into its head to start the +objection, for the first time, that the advocate had not been duly +qualified to plead, or to argue, at their bar. My brother Downright +instantly referred their lordships to the law of adoption, and to +that provision of the criminal code which permitted the accused to +be heard by his next of kin. + +"Prisoner at the bar," said the chief-justice, "you hear the +statement of counsel. Is it your desire to commit the management of +your defence to your next of kin?" + +"To anybody, your honors, if the court please," returned Noah, +furiously masticating his beloved weed; "to anybody who will do it +well, my honorables, and do it cheap." + +"And do you adopt, under the provisions of the statute in such cases +made and provided, Aaron Downright as one of your next of kin, and +if so, in what capacity?" + +"I do--I do--my lords and your honors--I do, body and soul--if you +please, I adopt the brigadier as my father; and my fellow human +being and tried friend, Sir John Goldencalf, here, I adopt him as my +mother." + +The court now formally assenting, the facts were entered of record, +and my brother Downright was requested to proceed with the defence. + +The counsel for the prisoner, like Dandin, in Racine's comedy of Les +Plaideurs, was disposed to pass over the deluge, and to plunge +instantly into the core of his subject. He commenced with a review +of the royal prerogatives, and with a definition of the words "to +reign." Referring to the dictionary of the academy, he showed +triumphantly, that to reign, was no other than to "govern as a +sovereign"; while to govern, in the familiar signification, was no +more than to govern in the name of a prince, or as a deputy. Having +successfully established this point, he laid down the position, that +the greater might contain the less, but that the less could not +possibly contain the greater. That the right to reign, or to govern, +in the generic signification of the term, must include all the +lawful attributes of him who only governed, in the secondary +signification; and that, consequently, the king not only reigned, +but governed. He then proceeded to show that memory was +indispensable to him who governed, since, without one he could +neither recollect the laws, make a suitable disposition of rewards +and punishments, nor, in fact, do any other intelligent or necessary +act. Again, it was contended that by the law of the land the king's +conscience was in the keeping of his first-cousin. Now, in order +that the king's conscience should be in such keeping, it was clear +that he must HAVE a conscience, since a nonentity could not be in +keeping, or even put in commission; and, having a conscience, it +followed, ex necessitate rei, that he must have the attributes of a +conscience, of which memory formed one of the most essential +features. Conscience was defined to be "the faculty by which we +judge of the goodness or wickedness of our own actions. (See +Johnson's Dictionary, page 162, letter C. London edition. Rivington, +publisher.) Now, in what manner can one judge of the goodness or +wickedness of his acts, or of those of any other person, if he knows +nothing about them? and how can he know anything of the past, unless +endowed with the faculty of a memory?" + +Again; it was a political corollary from the institutions of +Leaphigh, that the king could do no wrong-- + +"I beg your pardon, my brother Downright," interrupted the chief- +justice, "it is not a corollary, but a proposition--and one, too, +that is held to be demonstrated. It is the paramount law of the +land." + +"I thank you, my lord," continued the brigadier, "as your lordship's +high authority makes my case so much the stronger. It is, then, +settled law, gentle monikins of the jury, that the sovereign of this +realm can do no wrong. It is also settled law--their lordships will +correct me, if I misstate--it is also settled law that the sovereign +is the fountain of honor, that he can make war and peace, that he +administers justice, sees the laws executed--" + +"I beg your pardon, again, brother Downright," interrupted the +chief-justice. "This is not the law, but the prerogative. It is the +king's prerogative to be and do all this, but it is very far from +being law." + +"Am I to understand, my lord, that the court makes a distinction +between that which is prerogative, and that which is law?" + +"Beyond a doubt, brother Downright! If all that is prerogative was +also law, we could not get on an hour." + +"Prerogative, if your lordship pleases, or prerogativa, is defined +to be 'an exclusive or peculiar privilege.' (Johnson. Letter P, page +139, fifth clause from bottom; edition as aforesaid. Speaking slow, +in order to enable Baron Longbeard to make his notes.) Now, an +exclusive privilege, I humbly urge, must supersede all enactments, +and--" + +"Not at all, sir--not at all, sir--not at all, sir," put in my lord +chief-justice, dogmatically-looking out of the window at the clouds, +in a way to show that his mind was quite made up. "Not at all, good +sir. The king has his prerogatives, beyond a question; and they are +sacred--a part of the constitution. They are, moreover, exclusive +and peculiar, as stated by Johnson; but their exclusiveness and +peculiarity are not to be constructed in the vulgar acceptations. In +treating of the vast interests of a state, the mind must take a wide +range; and I hold, brother Longbeard, there is no principle more +settled than the fact, that prerogativa is one thing, and lex, or +the law, another." The baron bowed assent. "By exclusion, in this +case, is meant that the prerogative touches only his majesty. The +prerogative is exclusively his property, and he may do what he +pleases with it; but the law is made for the nation, and is +altogether a different matter. Again: by peculiar, is clearly meant +peculiarity, or that this case is analogous to no other, and must be +reasoned on by the aid of a peculiar logic. No, sir--the king can +make peace and war, it is true, under his prerogative; but then his +conscience is hard and fast in the keeping of another, who alone can +perform all legal acts." + +"But, my lord, justice, though administered by others, is still +administered in the king's name." + +"No doubt, in his name: this is a part of the peculiar privilege. +War is made in his majesty's name, too--so is peace. What is war? It +is the personal conflicts between bodies of men of different +nations. Does his majesty engage in these conflicts? Certainly not. +The war is maintained by taxes. Does his majesty pay them? No. Thus +we see that while the war is constitutionally the king's, it is +practically the people's. It follows, as a corollary--since you +quote corollaries, brother Downright--that there are two wars--or +the war of the prerogative, and the war of the fact. Now, the +prerogative is a constitutional principle--a very sacred one, +certainly--but a fact is a thing that comes home to every monikin's +fireside; and therefore the courts have decided, ever since the +reign of Timid II., or ever since they dared, that the prerogative +was one thing, and the law another." + +My brother Downright seemed a good deal perplexed by the +distinctions of the court, and he concluded much sooner than he +otherwise would have done; summing up the whole of his arguments, by +showing, or attempting to show, that if the king had even these +peculiar privileges, and nothing else, he must be supposed to have a +memory. + +The court now called upon the attorney-general to reply; but that +person appeared to think his case strong enough as it was, and the +matter, by agreement, was submitted to the jury, after a short +charge from the bench. + +"You are not to suffer your intellects to be confused, +gentlemonikins, by the argument of the prisoner's counsel," +concluded the chief-justice. "He has done his duty, and it remains +for you to be equally conscientious. You are, in this case, the +judges of the law and the fact; but it is a part of my functions to +inform you what they both are. By the law, the king is supposed to +have no faculties. The inference drawn by counsel, that, not being +capable of erring, the king must have the highest possible moral +attributes, and consequently a memory, is unsound. The constitution +says his majesty CAN do no wrong. This inability may proceed from a +variety of causes. If he can do NOTHING, for instance, he can do no +wrong. The constitution does not say that the sovereign WILL do no +wrong--but, that he CAN do no wrong. Now, gentlemonikins, when a +thing cannot be done, it becomes impossible; and it is, of course, +beyond the reach of argument. It is of no moment whether a person +has a memory, if he cannot use it, and, in such a case, the legal +presumption is, that he is without a memory; for, otherwise, nature, +who is ever wise and beneficent, would be throwing away her gifts. + +"Gentlemonikins, I have already said you are the judges, in this +case, of both the law and the fact. The fate of the prisoner is in +your hands. God forbid that it should be, in any manner, influenced +by me; but this is an offence against the king's dignity, and the +security of the realm; the law is against the prisoner, the facts +are all against the prisoner, and I do not doubt that your verdict +will be the spontaneous decision of your own excellent judgments, +and of such a nature as will prevent the necessity of our ordering a +new trial." + +The jurors put their tails together, and in less than a minute, +their foremonikin rendered a verdict of guilty. Noah sighed, and +took a fresh supply of tobacco. + +The case of the queen was immediately opened by her majesty's +attorney-general; the prisoner having been previously arraigned, and +a plea entered of "not guilty." + +The queen's advocate made a bitter attack on the animus of the +unfortunate prisoner. He described her majesty as a paragon of +excellences; as the depositary of all the monikin virtues, and the +model of her sex. "If she, who was so justly celebrated for the +gifts of charity, meekness, religion, justice, and submission to +feminine duties, had no memory," he asked leave to demand, in the +name of God, who had? "Without a memory, in what manner was this +illustrious personage to recall her duties to her royal consort, her +duties to her royal offspring, her duties to her royal self? Memory +was peculiarly a royal attribute; and without its possession no one +could properly be deemed of high and ancient lineage. Memory +referred to the past, and the consideration due to royalty was +scarcely ever a present consideration, but a consideration connected +with the past. We venerated the past. Time was divided into the +past, present, and future. The past was invariably a monarchical +interest--the present was claimed by republicans--the future +belonged to fate. If it were decided that the queen had no memory, +we should strike a blow at royalty. It was by memory, as connected +with the public archives, that the king derived his title to his +throne; it was by memory, which recalled the deeds of his ancestors, +that he became entitled to our most profound respect." + +In this manner did the queen's attorney-general speak for about an +hour, when he gave way to the counsel for the prisoner. But, to my +great surprise, for I knew that this accusation was much the gravest +of the two, since the head of Noah would be the price of conviction, +my brother Downright, instead of making a very ingenious reply, as I +had fully anticipated, merely said a few words, in which he +expressed so firm a confidence in the acquittal of his client, as to +appear to think a further defence altogether unnecessary. He had no +sooner seated himself, than I expressed a strong dissatisfaction +with this course, and avowed an intention to make an effort in +behalf of my poor friend, myself. + +"Keep silence, Sir John," whispered my brother Downright; "the +advocate who makes many unsuccessful applications gets to be +disrespected. I charge myself with the care of the lord high +admiral's interests; at the proper time they shall be duly attended +to." + +Having the profoundest respect for the brigadier's legal +attainments, and no great confidence in my own, I was fain to +submit. In the meantime, the business of the court proceeded; and +the jury, having received a short charge from the bench, which was +quite as impartial as a positive injunction to convict could very +well be, again rendered the verdict of "guilty." + +In Leaphigh, although it is deemed indecent to wear clothes, it is +also esteemed exceedingly decorous for certain high functionaries to +adorn their persons with suitable badges of their official rank. We +have already had an account of the hierarchy of tails, and a general +description of the mantle composed of tenth-hairs; but I had +forgotten to say that both my lord chief-justice and Baron Longbeard +had tail-cases made of the skins of deceased monikins, which gave +the appearance of greater development to their intellectual organs, +and most probably had some influence in the way of coddling their +brains, which required great care and attention on account of +incessant use. They now drew over these tail-cases a sort of box- +coat of a very bloodthirsty color, which, we were given to +understand, was a sign that they were in earnest, and about to +pronounce sentence; justice in Leaphigh being of singularly +bloodthirsty habits. + +"Prisoner at the bar," the chief-justice began, in a voice of +reproof, "you have heard the decision of your peers. You have been +arraigned and tried on the heinous charge of having accused the +sovereign of this realm of being in possession of the faculty called +'a memory,' thereby endangering the peace of society, unsettling the +social relations, and setting a dangerous example of insubordination +and of contempt of the laws. Of this crime, after a singularly +patient and impartial hearing, you have been found guilty. The law +allows the court no discretion in the case. It is my duty to pass +sentence forthwith; and I now solemnly ask you, if you have anything +to say why sentence of decaudization should not be pronounced +against you. "Here the chief-justice took just time enough to gape, +and then proceeded--"You are right in throwing yourself altogether +on the mercy of the court, which better knows what is fittest for +you, than you can possibly know for yourself. You will be taken, +Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color, forthwith, to the centre of +the public square, between the hours of sunrise and sunset of this +day, where your cauda will be cut off; and after it has been divided +into four parts, a part will be exposed towards each of the cardinal +points of the compass; and the brush thereof being consumed by fire, +the ashes will be thrown into your face, and this without benefit of +clergy. And may the Lord have mercy on your soul!" + +"Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color," put in Baron Longbeard, +without giving the culprit breathing-time, "you have been indicted, +tried, and found guilty of the enormous crime of charging the queen- +consort of this realm of being wanting in the ordinary, important, +and every-day faculty of a memory. Have you anything to say why +sentence should not be forthwith passed against you? No; I am sure +you are very right in throwing yourself altogether on the mercy of +the court, which is quite disposed to show you all that is in its +power, which happens, in this case, to be none at all. I need not +dwell on the gravity of your offence. If the law should allow that +the queen has no memory, other females might put in claims to the +same privilege, and society would become a chaos. Marriage vows, +duties, affections, and all our nearest and dearest interests would +be unhinged, and this pleasant state of being would degenerate into +a moral, or rather an immoral pandemonium. Keeping in view these +all-important considerations, and more especially the imperativeness +of the law, which does not admit of discretion, the court sentences +you to be carried hence, without delay, to the centre of the great +square, where your head will be severed from your body by the public +executioner, without benefit of clergy; after which your remains are +to be consigned to the public hospitals for the purposes of +dissection." + +The words were scarcely out of Baron Longbeard's mouth, before both +the attorneys-general started up, to move the court in behalf of the +separate dignities of their respective principals. Mr. Attorney- +General of the crown prayed the court so far to amend its sentence, +as to give precedency to the punishment on account of the offence +against the king; and Mr. Attorney-General for the queen, to pray +the court it would not be so far forgetful of her majesty's rights +and dignity, as to establish a precedent so destructive of both. I +caught a glimpse of hope glancing about the eyes of my brother +Downright, who, waiting just long enough to let the two advocates +warm themselves over these points of law, arose and moved the court +for a stay of execution, on the plea that neither sentence was +legal--that delivered by my lord chief-justice containing a +contradiction, inasmuch as it ordered the decaudization to take +place between THE HOURS OF SUNRISE AND SUNSET, and also FORTHWITH; +and that delivered by Baron Longbeard, on account of its ordering +the body to be given up to dissection, contrary to the law, which +merely made that provision in the case of condemned MONIKINS, the +prisoner at the bar being entirely of another species. + +The court deemed all these objections serious, but decided on its +own incompetency to take cognizance of them. It was a question for +the twelve judges, who were now on the point of assembling, and to +whom they referred the whole affair on appeal. In the meantime, +justice could not be stayed. The prisoner must be carried out into +the square, and matters must proceed; but, should either of the +points be finally determined in his favor, he could have the benefit +of it, so far as circumstances would then allow. Hereupon the court +rose, and the judges, counsel, and clerks repaired in a body to the +hall of the twelve judges. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + +BETTER AND BETTER--MORE LAW AND MORE JUSTICE--TAILS AND HEADS: THE +IMPORTANCE OF KEEPING EACH IN ITS PROPER PLACE. + + +Noah was incontinently transferred to the place of execution, where +I promised to meet him in time to receive his parting sigh, +curiosity inducing me first to learn the issue on the appeal. The +brigadier told me in confidence, as we went to the other hall, that +the affair was now getting to be one of great interest; that +hitherto it had been mere boy's play, but it would in future require +counsel of great reading and research to handle the arguments, and +that he flattered himself there was a good occasion likely to +present itself, for him to show what monikin reason really was. + +The whole of the twelve wore tail-cases, and altogether they +presented a formidable array of intellectual development. As the +cause of Noah was admitted to be one of more than common urgency, +after hearing only three or four other short applications on behalf +of the crown, whose rights always have precedence on such occasions, +the attorney-general of the king was desired to open his case. + +The learned counsel spoke, in anticipation, to the objections of +both his adversaries, beginning with those of my brother Downright. +Forthwith, he contended, might be at any period of the twenty-four +hours, according to the actual time of using the term. Thus, +forthwith of a morning, would mean in the morning; forthwith at +noon, would mean at noon; and so on to the close of the legal day. +Moreover, in a legal signification, forthwith must mean between +sunrise and sunset, the statute commanding that all executions shall +take place by the light of the sun, and consequently the two terms +ratified and confirmed each other, instead of conveying a +contradiction, or of neutralizing each other, as would most probably +be contended by the opposite counsel. + +To all this my brother Downright, as is usual on such occasions, +objected pretty much the converse. He maintained that ALL light +proceeded from the sun; and that the statute, therefore, could only +mean that there should be no executions during eclipses, a period +when the whole monikin race ought to be occupied in adoration. +Forthwith, moreover, did not necessarily mean forthwith, for +forthwith meant immediately; and "between sunrise and sunset" meant +between sunrise and sunset; which might be immediately, or might +not. + +On this point the twelve judges decided, firstly, that forthwith did +not mean forthwith; secondly, that forthwith did mean forthwith; +thirdly, that forthwith had two legal meanings; fourthly, that it +was illegal to apply one of these legal meanings to a wrong legal +purpose; and fifthly, that the objection was of no avail, as +respected the case of No. 1, sea-water-color. Ordered, therefore, +that the criminal lose his tail forthwith. + +The objection to the other sentence met with no better fate. Men and +monikins did not differ more than some men differed from other men, +or some monikins differed from other monikins. Ordered, that the +sentence be confirmed, with costs. I thought this decision the +soundest of the two; for I had often had occasion to observe, that +there were very startling points of resemblance between monkeys and +our own species. + +The contest now commenced between the two attorneys-general in +earnest; and, as the point at issue was a question of mere rank, it +excited a lively--I may say an engrossing--interest in all the +hearers. It was settled, however, after a vigorous discussion, in +favor of the king, whose royal dignity the twelve judges were +unanimously of opinion was entitled to precedency over that of the +queen. To my great surprise, my brother Downright volunteered an +argument on this intricate point, making an exceedingly clever +speech in favor of the king's dignity, as was admitted by every one +who heard it. It rested chiefly on the point that the ashes of the +tail were, by the sentence, to be thrown into the culprit's face. It +is true this might be done physically after decapitation, but it +could not be done morally. This part of the punishment was designed +for a moral effect; and to produce that effect, consciousness and +shame were both necessary. Therefore the moral act of throwing the +ashes into the face of the criminal could only be done while he was +living, and capable of being ashamed. + +Meditation, chief-justice, delivered the opinion of the bench. It +contained the usual amount of legal ingenuity and logic, was +esteemed as very eloquent in that part which touched on the sacred +and inviolable character of the royal prerogatives (prerogativae as +he termed them), and was so lucid in pointing out the general +inferiority of the queen-consort, that I felt happy her majesty was +not present to hear herself and sex undervalued. As might have been +expected, it allowed great weight to the distinction taken by the +brigadier. The decision was in the following words, viz.: "Rex et +Regina versus No. 1, sea-water-color: ordered, that the officers of +justice shall proceed forthwith to decaudizate the defendant before +they decapitate him; provided he has not been forthwith decapitated +before he can be decaudizated." + +The moment this mandamus was put into the hands of the proper +officer, Brigadier Downright caught me by the knee, and led me out +of the hall of justice, as if both out lives depended on our +expedition. I was about to reproach him for having volunteered to +aid the king's attorney-general, when, seizing me by the root of the +tail, for the want of a button-hole, he said, with evident +satisfaction: + +"Affairs go on swimmingly, my dear Sir John! I do not remember to +have been employed, for some years, in a more interesting +litigation. Now this cause, which, no doubt, you think is drawing to +a close, has just reached its pivot, or turning-point; and I see +every prospect of extricating our client with great credit to +myself." + +"How! my brother Downright!" I interrupted; "the accused is finally +sentenced, if not actually executed!" + +"Not so fast, my good Sir John--not so fast, by any means. Nothing +is final in law, while there is a farthing to meet the costs, or the +criminal can yet gasp. I hold our case to be in an excellent way; +much better than I have deemed it at any time since the accused was +arraigned." + +Surprise left me no other power than that which was necessary to +demand an explanation. + +"All depends on the single fact, dear sir," continued my brother +Downright, "whether the head is still on the body of the accused or +not. Do you proceed, as fast as possible, to the place of execution; +and, should our client still have a head, keep up his spirits by a +proper religious discourse, always preparing him for the worst, for +this is no more than wisdom; but, the instant his tail is separated +from his body, run hither as fast as you can, to apprise me of the +fact. I ask but two things of you--speed in coming with the news, +and perfect certainty that the tail is not yet attached to the rest +of the frame, by even a hair. A hair often turns the scales of +justice!" + +"The case seems desperate--would it not be as well for me to run +down to the palace, at once; demand an audience of their majesties, +throw myself on my knees before the royal pair, and implore a +pardon?" + +"Your project is impracticable, for three sufficient reasons: +firstly, there is not time; secondly, you would not be admitted +without a special appointment; thirdly, there is neither a king nor +a queen!" + +"No king in Leaphigh!" + +"I have said it." + +"Explain yourself, brother Downright, or I shall be obliged to +refute what you say, by the evidence of my own senses." + +"Your senses will prove to be false witnesses then. Formerly there +was a king in Leaphigh, and one who governed, as well as reigned. +But the nobles and grandees of the country, deeming it indecent to +trouble his majesty with affairs of state any longer, took upon +themselves all the trouble of governing, leaving to the sovereign +the sole duty of reigning. This was done in a way to save his +feelings, under the pretence of setting up a barrier to the physical +force and abuses of the mass. After a time, it was found +inconvenient and expensive to feed and otherwise support the royal +family, and all its members were privately shipped to a distant +region, which had not yet got to be so far advanced in civilization, +as to know how to keep up a monarchy without a monarch." + +"And does Leaphigh succeed in effecting this prodigy?" + +"Wonderfully well. By means of decapitations and decaudizations +enough, even greater exploits may be performed." + +"But am I to understand literally, brother Downright, there is no +such thing as a monarch in this country?" + +"Literally." + +"And the presentations?" + +"Are like these trials, to maintain the monarchy." + +"And the crimson curtains?--" + +"Conceal empty seats." + +"Why not, then, dispense with so much costly representation?" + +"In what way could the grandees cry out that the throne is in +danger, if there were no throne? It is one thing to have no monarch, +and another to have no throne. But all this time our client is in +great jeopardy. Hasten, therefore, and be particular to act as I +have just instructed you." + +I stopped to hear no more, but in a minute was flying towards the +centre of the square. It was easy enough to perceive the tail of my +friend waving over the crowd; but grief and apprehension had already +rendered his countenance so rueful, that, at the first glance, I did +not recognize his head. He was, however, still in the body; for, +luckily for himself, and more especially for the success of his +principal counsel, the gravity of his crimes had rendered unusual +preparations necessary for the execution. As the mandate of the +court had not yet arrived--justice being as prompt in Leaphigh as +her ministers are dilatory--two blocks were prepared, and the +culprit was about to get down on his hands and knees between them, +just as I forced my way through the crowd to his side. + +"Ah! Sir John, this is an awful predicament!" exclaimed the rebuked +Noah; "a ra'ally awful situation for a human Christian to have his +enemies lying athwart both bows and starn!" + +"While there is life there is hope; but it is always best to be +prepared for the worst--he who is thus prepared never can meet with +a disagreeable surprise. Messrs. Executioners"--for there were two, +that of the king, and that of the queen, or one at each end of the +unhappy criminal--"Messrs. Executioners, I pray you to give the +culprit a moment to arrange his thoughts, and to communicate his +last requests in behalf of his distant family and friends!" + +To this reasonable petition neither of the higher functionaries of +the law made any objection, although both insisted if they did not +forthwith bring the culprit to the last stages of preparation, they +might lose their places. They did not see, however, but a man might +pause for a moment on the brink of the grave. It would seem that +there had been a little misunderstanding between the executioners +themselves on the point of precedency, which had been one cause of +the delay, and which had been disposed of by an arrangement that +both should operate at the same instant. Noah was now brought down +to his hands and knees, "moored head and starn," as that unfeeling +blackguard Bob, who was in the crowd, expressed it, between the two +blocks, his neck lying on one and his tail on the other. While in +this edifying attitude, I was permitted to address him. + +"It may be well to bethink you of your soul, my dear captain," I +said; "for, to speak truth, these axes have a very prompt and +sanguinary appearance." + +"I know it, Sir John, I know it; and, not to mislead you, I will own +that I have been repenting with all my might, ever since that first +vardict. That affair of the lord high admiral, in particular, has +given me a good deal of consarn; and I now humbly ask your pardon +for being led away by such a miserable deception, which is all owing +to that riptyle Dr. Reasono, who, I hope, will yet meet with his +desarts. I forgive everybody, and hope everybody will forgive me. As +for Miss Poke, it will be a hard case; for she is altogether past +expecting another consort, and she must be satisfied to be a relic +the rest of her days." + +"Repentance, repentance, my dear Noah--repentance is the one thing +needful for a man in your extremity." + +"I do--I do, Sir John, body and soul--I repent, from the bottom of +my heart, ever having come on this v'y'ge--nay, I don't know but I +repent ever having come outside of Montauk Point. I might, at this +moment, have been a school-master or a tavern-keeper in Stunnin'tun; +and they are both good wholesome berths, particularly the last. Lord +love you! Sir John, if repentance would do any good, I should be +pardoned on the spot." + +Here Noah caught a glimpse of Bob grinning in the crowd, and he +asked of the executioners, as a last favor, that they would have the +boy brought near, that he might take an affectionate leave of him. +This reasonable request was complied with, despite of poor Bob's +struggles; and the youngster had quite as good reasons for hearty +repentance as the culprit himself. Just at this trying moment the +mandate for the order of the punishments arrived, and the officials +seriously declared that the condemned must be prepared to meet his +fate. + +The unflinching manner in which Captain Poke submitted to the mortal +process of decaudization extracted plaudits from, and awakened +sympathy in every monikin present. Having satisfied myself that the +tail was actually separated from the body, I ran, as fast as legs +could carry me, towards the hall of the twelve judges. My brother +Downright, who was impatiently expecting my appearance, instantly +arose and moved the bench to issue a mandamus for a stay of +execution in the case of "Regina versus Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea- +water-color. By the statute of the 2d of Longevity and Flirtilla, it +was enacted, my lords," put in the brigadier, "that in no case shall +a convicted felon suffer loss of life, or limb, while it can be +established that he is non compos mentis. This is also a rule, my +lords, of common law--but being common sense and common monikinity, +it has been thought prudent to enforce it by an especial enactment. +I presume Mr. Attorney-General for the queen will scarcely dispute +the law of the case--" + +"Not at all, my lords--though I have some doubts as to the fact. The +fact remains to be established," answered the other, taking snuff. + +"The fact is certain, and will not admit of cavil. In the case of +Rex versus Noah Poke, the court ordered the punishment of +decaudization to take precedence of that of decapitation, in the +case of Regina versus the same. Process had been issued from the +bench to that effect; the culprit has, in consequence, lost his +cauda, and with it his reason; a creature without reason has always +been held to be non compos mentis, and by the law of the land is not +liable to the punishments of life or limb." + +"Your law is plausible, my brother Downright," observed my lord +chief-justice, "but it remains for the bench to be put in possession +of the facts. At the next term, you will perhaps be better prepared--" + +"I pray you, my lord, to remember that this is a case which will not +admit of three months' delay." + +"We can decide the principle a year hence, as well as to-day; and we +have now sat longer in banco," looking at his watch, "than is either +usual, agreeable, or expedient." + +"But, my lords, the proof is at hand. Here is a witness to establish +that the cauda of Noah Poke, the defendant of record, has actually +been separated from his body--" + +"Nay--nay--my brother Downright, a barrister of your experience must +know that the twelve can only take evidence on affidavit. If you had +an affidavit prepared, we might possibly find time to hear it, +before we adjourn; as it is, the affair must lie over to another +sitting." + +I was now in a cold sweat, for I could distinctly scent the peculiar +odor of the burning tail; the ashes of which being fairly thrown +into Noah's face, there remained no further obstacle to the process +of decapitation--the sentence, it will be remembered, having kept +his countenance on his shoulders expressly for that object. My +brother Downright, however, was not a lawyer to be defeated by so +simple a stumbling-block. Seizing a paper that was already written +over in a good legal hand, which happened to be lying before him, he +read it, without pause or hesitation, in the following manner: + +"Regina versus Noah Poke." + +"Kingdom of Leaphigh, Season of Nuts, } Personally +this fourth day of the Moon. } appeared before me, +Meditation, Lord Chief-Justice of the Court of King's Bench, John +Goldencalf, baronet, of the Kingdom of Great Britain, who, being +duly sworn, doth depose and say, viz., that he, the said deponent, +was present at, and did witness, the decaudization of the defendant + in this suit, and that the tail of the said Noah Poke, or No. 1, +sea-water-color, hath been truly and physically separated from his + body.--And further this deponent sayeth not. Signature, etc." + +Having read, in the most fluent manner, the foregoing affidavit, +which existed only in his own brain, my brother Downright desired +the court to take my deposition to its truth. + +"John Goldencalf, baronet," said the chief-justice, "you have heard +what has just been read; do you swear to its truth?" + +"I do." + +Here the affidavit was signed by both my lord chief-justice and +myself, and it was duly put on file. I afterwards learned that the +paper used by my brother Downright on this memorable occasion was no +other than the notes which the chief-justice himself had taken on +one of the arguments in the case in question, and that, seeing the +names and title of the cause, besides finding it no easy matter to +read his own writing, that high officer of the crown had, very +naturally, supposed that all was right. As to the rest of the bench, +they were in too great a hurry to go to dinner, to stop and read +affidavits, and the case was instantly disposed of, by the following +decision: + +"Regina versus Noah Poke, etc. Ordered, that the culprit be +considered non compos mentis, and that he be discharged, on finding +security to keep the peace for the remainder of his natural life." + +An officer was instantly dispatched to the great square with this +reprieve, and the court rose. I delayed a little in order to enter +into the necessary recognizances in behalf of Noah, taking up at the +same time the bonds given the previous night, for his appearance to +answer to the indictments. These forms being duly complied with, my +brother Downright and myself repaired to the place of execution, in +order to congratulate our client--the former justly elated with his +success, which he assured me was not a little to the credit of his +own education. + +We found Noah surprisingly relieved by his liberation from the hands +of the Philistines; nor was he at all backwards in expressing his +satisfaction at the unexpected turn things had taken. According to +his account of the matter, he did not set a higher value on his head +than another; still, it was convenient to have one; had it been +necessary to part with it, he made no doubt he should have submitted +to do so like a man, referring to the fortitude with which he had +borne the amputation of his cauda, as a proof of his resolution; for +his part, he should take very good care how he accused any one with +having a memory, or anything else, again, and he now saw the +excellence of those wise provisions of the laws, which cut up a +criminal in order to prevent the repetition of his offences; he did +not intend to stay much longer on shore, believing he should be less +in the way of temptation on board the Walrus than among the +monikins; and, as for his own people, he was sure of soon catching +them on board again, for they had now been off their pork twenty- +four hours, and nuts were but poor grub for foremast hands, after +all; philosophers might say what they pleased about governments, +but, in his opinion, the only ra'al tyrant on 'arth was the belly; +he did not remember ever to have had a struggle with his belly--and +he had a thousand--that the belly didn't get the better; that it +would be awkward to lay down the title of lord high admiral, but it +was easier to lay down that than to lay down his head; that as for +cauda, though it was certainly agreeable to be in the fashion, he +could do very well without one, and when he got back to Stunnin'tun, +should the worst come to the worst, there was a certain saddler in +the place who could give him as good a fit as the one he had lost; +that Miss Poke would have been greatly scandalized, however, had he +come home after decapitation; that it might be well to sail for +Leaplow as soon as convenient, for in that country he understood +bobs were in fashion, and he admitted that he should not like to +cruise about Leaphigh, for any great length of time, unless he could +look as other people look; for his part, he bore no one a grudge, +and he freely forgave everybody but Bob, out of whom, the Lord +willing, he proposed to have full satisfaction, before the ship +should be twenty-four hours at sea, etc., etc., etc. + +Such was the general tendency of the remarks of Captain Poke, as we +proceeded towards the port, where he embarked and went on board the +Walrus, with some eagerness, having learned that our rear-admirals +and post-captains had, indeed, yielded to the calls of nature, and +had all gone to their duty, swearing they would rather be foremast +Jacks in a well-victualled ship, than the king of Leaphigh upon +nuts. + +The captain had no sooner entered the boat, taking his head with +him, than I began to make my acknowledgments to my brother Downright +for the able manner in which he had defended my fellow human being; +paying, at the same time, some well-merited compliments to the +ingenious and truly philosophical distinctions of the Leaphigh +system of jurisprudence. + +"Spare your thanks and your commendations, I beg of you, good Sir +John," returned the brigadier, as we walked back towards my +lodgings. "We did as well as circumstances would allow; though our +whole defence would have been upset, had not the chief-justice very +luckily been unable to read his own handwriting. As for the +principles and forms of the monikin law--for in these particulars +Leaplow is very much like Leaphigh--as you have seen them displayed +in these two suits, why, they are such as we have. I do not pretend +that they are faultless; on the contrary, I could point out +improvements myself--but we get on with them as well as we can: no +doubt, among men, you have codes that will better bear examination." + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + +A NEOPHYTE IN DIPLOMACY--DIPLOMATIC INTRODUCTION--A CALCULATION--A +SHIPMENT OF OPINIONS--HOW TO CHOOSE AN INVOICE, WITH AN ASSORTMENT. + + +I now began seriously to think of sailing for Leaplow; for, I +confess, I was heartily tired of being thought the governor of His +Royal Highness Prince Bob, and pined to be restored once more to my +proper place in society. I was the more incited to make the change +by the representations of the brigadier, who assured me that it was +sufficient to come from foreign parts to be esteemed a nobleman in +Leaplow, and that I need not apprehend in his country any of the +ill-treatment I had received in the one in which I now was. After +talking over the matter, therefore, in a familiar way, we determined +to repair at once to the Leaplow legation, in order to ask for our +passports, and to offer, at the same time, to carry any dispatches +that Judge People's Friend might have prepared for his government-- +it being the custom of the Leaplowers to trust to these godsends in +carrying on their diplomatic correspondence. + +We found the judge in undress, and a very different figure he cut, +certainly, from that which he made when I saw him the previous night +at court. Then he was all queue; now he was all bob. He seemed glad +to see us, however, and quite delighted when I told him of the +intention to sail for Leaplow, as soon as the wind served. He +instantly asked a passage for himself, with republican simplicity. + +There was to be another turn of the great and little wheels, he +said, and it was quite important to himself to be on the spot; for, +although everything was, beyond all question, managed with perfect +republican propriety, yet, somehow (and yet he did not know exactly +how, but SOMEHOW), those who are on the spot always get the best +prizes. If I could give him a passage, therefore, he would esteem it +a great personal favor; and I might depend on it, the circumstance +would be well received by the party. Although I did not very well +understand what he meant by this party, which was to view the act so +kindly, I very cheerfully told the judge that the apartments lately +occupied by my lord Chatterino and his friends were perfectly at his +disposal. I was then asked when I intended to sail; and the answer +was, the instant the wind hauled, so we could lay out of the harbor. +It might be within half an hour. Hereupon Judge People's Friend +begged I would have the goodness to wait until he could hunt up a +charge d'affaires. His instructions were most peremptory never to +leave the legation without a charge d'affaires; but he would just +brush his bob, and run into the street, and look up one in five +minutes, if I would promise to wait so long. It would have been +unkind to refuse so trifling a favor, and the promise was given. The +judge must have run as fast as his legs would carry him; for, in +about ten minutes, he was back again, with a diplomatic recruit. He +told me his heart had misgiven him sadly. The three first to whom he +offered the place had plumply refused it, and, indeed, he did not +know but he should have a quarrel or two on his hands; but, at last, +he had luckily found one who could get nothing else to do, and he +pinned him on the spot. + +So far everything had gone on swimmingly; but the new charge had, +most unfortunately, a very long cauda, a fashion that was inexorably +proscribed by the Leaplow usages, except in cases when the +representative went to court; for it seems the Leaplow political +ethics, like your country buck, has two dresses--one for every-day +wear, and one for Sundays. The judge intimated to his intended +substitute, that it was absolutely indispensable he should submit to +an amputation, or he could not possibly confer the appointment, +queues being proscribed at home by both public opinions, the +horizontal and the perpendicular. To this the candidate objected, +that he very well knew the Leaplow usages on this head, but that he +had seen his excellency himself going to court with a singularly +apparent brush; and he had supposed from that, and from sundry other +little occurrences he did not care to particularize, that the +Leaplowers were not so bigoted in their notions but they could act +on the principle of doing at Rome as is done by the Romans. To this +the judge replied, that this principle was certainly recognized in +all things that were agreeable, and that he knew, from experience, +how hard it was to go in a bob, when all around him went in cauda; +but that tails were essentially anti-republican, and, as such, had +been formally voted down in Leaplow, where even the Great Sachem did +not dare to wear one, let him long for it as much as he would; and +if it were known that a public charge offended in this particular, +although he might be momentarily protected by one of the public +opinions, the matter would certainly be taken up by the opposition +public opinion, and then the people might order a new turn of the +little wheel, which heaven it knew! occurred now a great deal +oftener than was either profitable or convenient. + +Hereupon the candidate deliberately undid the fastenings and removed +the queue, showing, to our admiration, that it was false, and that +he was, after all neither more nor less than a Leaplower in +masquerade; which, by the way, I afterwards learned, was very apt to +be the case with a great many of that eminently original people, +when they got without the limits of their own beloved land. Judge +People's Friend was now perfectly delighted. He told us this was +exactly what he could most have wished for. "Here is a bob," said +he, "for the horizontals and perpendiculars, and there is a capital +ready-made cauda for his majesty and his majesty's first-cousin! A +Leaphighized Leaplower, more especially if there be a dash of +caricature about him, is the very thing in our diplomacy." Finding +matters so much to his mind, the judge made out the letter of +appointment on the spot, and then proceeded to give his substitute +the usual instructions. + +"You are on all occasions," he said, "to take the utmost care not to +offend the court of Leaphigh, or the meanest of the courtiers, by +advancing any of our peculiar opinions, all of which, beyond +dispute, you have at your finger-ends; on this score, you are to be +so particular that you may even, in your own person, pro tempore, +abandon republicanism--yea, sacred republicanism itself!--knowing +that it can easily be resumed on your return home again. You are to +remember there is nothing so undiplomatic, or even vulgar, as to +have an opinion on any subject, unless it should be the opinion of +the persons you may happen to be in company with; and, as we have +the reputation of possessing that quality in an eminent degree, +everywhere but at home, take especial heed to eschew vulgarity--if +you can. You will have the greatest care, also, to wear the shortest +bob in all your private, and the longest tail in all your public +relations, this being one of the most important of the celebrated +checks and balances of our government. Our institutions being +expressly formed by the mass, for the particular benefit of all, you +will be excessively careful not to let the claims of any one +citizen, or even any set of citizens, interfere with that harmony +which it is so necessary, for the purposes of trade, to maintain +with all foreign courts; which courts being accustomed themselves to +consider their subjects as cattle, to be worked in the traces of the +state, are singularly restive whenever they hear of any individual +being made of so much importance. Should any Leaplower become +troublesome on this score, give him a bad name at once; and in order +to effect that object with your own single-minded and right-loving +countrymen, swear that he is a disorganizer, and, my life on it, +both public opinions at home will sustain you; for there is nothing +on which our public opinions agree so well as the absolute deference +which they pay to foreign public opinions--and this the more +especially, in all matters that are likely to affect profits, by +deranging commerce. You will, above all things, make it a point to +be in constant relations with some of the readiest paragraph-writers +of the newspapers, in order to see that facts are properly stated at +home. I would advise you to look out some foreigner, who has never +seen Leaplow, for this employment; one that is also paid to write +for the journals of Leapup, or Leapdown, or some other foreign +country; by which means you will be sure to get an impartial agent, +or one who can state things in your own way, who is already half +paid for his services, and who will not be likely to make blunders +by meddling with distinctive thought. When a person of this +character is found, let him drop a line now and then in favor of +your own sagacity and patriotism; and if he should say a pleasant +thing occasionally about me, it will do no harm, but may help the +little wheel to turn more readily. In order to conceal his origin, +let your paragraph-agent use the word OUR freely; the use of this +word, as you know, being the only qualification of citizenship in +Leaplow. Let him begin to spell the word O-U-R, and then proceed to +pronounce it, and be careful that he does not spell it H-O-U-R, +which might betray his origin. Above all things, you will be +patriotic and republican, avoiding the least vindication of your +country and its institutions, and satisfying yourself with saying +that the latter are, at least, well suited to the former, if you +should say this in a way to leave the impression on your hearers, +that you think the former fitted for nothing else, it will be +particularly agreeable and thoroughly republican, and most eminently +modest and praiseworthy. You will find the diplomatic agents of all +other states sensitive on the point of their peculiar political +usages, and prompt to defend them; but this is a weakness you will +rigidly abstain from imitating, for our polity being exclusively +based on reason, you are to show a dignified confidence in the +potency of that fundamental principle, nor in any way lessen the +high character that reason already enjoys, by giving any one cause +to suspect you think reason is not fully able to take care of +itself. With these leading hints, and your own natural tendencies, +which I am glad to see are eminently fitted for the great objects of +diplomacy--being ductile, imitative, yielding, calculating, and, +above all, of a foreign disposition--I think you will be able to get +on very cleverly. Cultivate, above all things, your foreign +dispositions, for you are now on foreign duty, and your country +reposes on your shoulders and eminent talents the whole burden of +its foreign interests in this part of the world." + +Here the judge closed his address, which was oral, apparently well +satisfied with himself and with his raw-hand in diplomacy. He then +said-- + +"That he would now go to court to present his substitute, and to +take leave himself; after which he would return as fast as possible, +and detain us no longer than was necessary to put his cauda in +pepper, to protect it against the moths; for heaven knew what prize +he might draw in the next turn of the little wheel!" + +We promised to meet him at the port, where a messenger just then +informed us Captain Poke had landed, and was anxiously waiting our +appearance. With this understanding we separated; the judge +undertaking to redeem all our promises paid in at the tavern, by +giving his own in their stead. + +The brigadier and myself found Noah and the cook bargaining for some +private adventures with a Leaphigh broker or two, who, finding that +the ship was about to sail in ballast, were recommending their wares +to the notice of these two worthies. + +"It would be a ra'al sin, Sir John," commenced the captain, "to +neglect an occasion like this to turn a penny. The ship could carry +ten thousand immigrants, and they say there are millions of them +going over to Leaplow; or it might stow half the goods in +Aggregation. I'm resolved, at any rate, to use my cabin privilege; +and I would advise you, as owner, to look out for suthin' to pay +port-charges with, to say the least." + +"The idea is not a bad one, friend Poke; but, as we are ignorant of +the state of the market on the other side, it might be well to +consult some inhabitant of the country about the choice of articles. +Here is the Brigadier Downright, whom I have found to be a monikin +of experience and judgment, and if you please, we will first hear +what he has to say about it." + +"I dabble very little in merchandise," returned the brigadier; "but, +as a general principle, I should say that no article of Leaphigh +manufacture would command so certain a market in Leaplow as +opinions." + +"Have you any of these opinions for sale?" I inquired of the broker. + +"Plenty of them, sir, and of all qualities--from the very lowest to +the very 'ighest prices--those that may be had for next to nothing, +to those that we think a great deal of ourselves. We always keeps +them ready packed for exportation, and send wast invoices of them, +hannually, to Leaplow in particular. Opinions are harticles that +help to sell each other; and a ship of the tonnage of yours might +stow enough, provided they were properly assorted, to carry all +before them for the season." + +Expressing a wish to see the packages, we were immediately led into +an adjoining warehouse, where, sure enough, there were goodly lots +of the manufactures in question. I passed along the shelves, reading +the inscriptions of the different packages. Pointing to several +bundles that had "Opinions on Free Trade" written on their labels, I +asked the brigadier what he thought of that article. + +"Why, they would have done better, a year or two since, when we were +settling a new tariff; but I should think there would be less demand +for them now." + +"You are quite right, sir," added the broker; "we did send large +invoices of them to Leaplow formerly, and they were all eagerly +bought up, the moment they arrived. A great many were dyed over +again, and sold as of 'ome manufacture. Most of these harticles are +now shipped for Leapup, with whom we have negotiations that give +them a certain value." + +"'Opinions on Democracy, and on the Policy of Governments in +General': I should think these would be of no use in Leaplow?" + +"Why, sir, they goes pretty much hover the whole world. We sell +powers on 'em on hour own continent, near by, and a great many do go +even to Leaplow; though what they does with 'em there, I never could +say, seeing they are all government monikins in that queer country." + +An inquiring look extorted a clearer answer from the brigadier:-- + +"To admit the fact, we have a class among us who buy up these +articles with some eagerness. I can only account for it, by +supposing they think differing in their tastes from the mass, makes +them more enlightened and peculiar." + +"I'll take them all. An article that catches these propensities is +sure of sale. 'Opinions on Events': what can possibly be done with +these?" + +"That depends a little on their classification," returned the +brigadier. "If they relate to Leaplow events, while they have a +certain value, they cannot be termed of current value; but if they +refer to the events of all the rest of the earth, take them for +heaven's sake! for we trust altogether to this market for our +supplies." + +On this hint I ordered the whole lot, trusting to dispose of the +least fashionable by aid of those that were more in vogue. + +"'Opinions on Domestic Literature.'" + +"You may buy all he has; we use no other." + +"'Opinions on Continental Literature.'" + +"Why, we know little about the goods themselves--but I think a +selection might answer." + +I ordered the bale cut in two, and took one half, at a venture. + +"'Opinions of Leaplow Literature, From No. 1 up to No. 100.'" + +"Ah! it is proper I should explain," put in the broker, "that we has +two varieties of them 'ere harticles. One is the true harticle, as +is got up by our great wits and philosophers, they says, on the most +approved models; but the other is nothing but a sham harticle that +is really manufactured in Leaplow, and is sent out here to get hour +stamp. That's all--I never deceives a customer--both sell well, I +hear, on the other side, 'owever." + +I looked again at the brigadier, who quietly nodding assent, I took +the whole hundred bales. + +"'Opinions of the Institutions of Leaphigh.'" + +"Why, them 'ere is assorted, being of all sizes, forms, and colors. +They came coastwise, and are chiefly for domestic consumption; +though I have known 'em sent to Leaplow, with success." + +"The consumers of this article among us," observed the brigadier, +"are very select, and rarely take any but of the very best quality. +But then they are usually so well stocked, that I question if a new +importation would pay freight. Indeed, our consumers cling very +generally to the old fashions in this article, not even admitting +the changes produced by time. There was an old manufacturer called +Whiterock, who has a sort of Barlow-knife reputation among us, and +it is not easy to get another article to compete with his. Unless +they are very antiquated, I would have nothing to do with them." + +"Yes. this is all true. sir. We still sends to Leaplow quantities of +that 'ere manufacture; and the more hantiquated the harticle, the +better it sells; but then the new fashions has a most wonderful run +at 'ome." + +"I'll stick to the real Barlow, through thick or thin. Hunt me up a +bale of his notions; let them be as old as the flood. What have we +here?--'opinions on the Institutions of Leaplow.'" + +"Take them," said the brigadier, promptly. + +"This 'ere gentleman has an hidear of the state of his own market," +added the broker, giggling. "Wast lots of these things go across +yearly--and I don't find that any on 'em ever comes back." + +"'Opinions on the State of Manners and Society in Leaplow.'" + +"I believe I'll take an interest in that article myself, Sir John, +if you can give me a ton or two between decks. Have you many of this +manufacture?" + +"Lots on 'em, sir--and they DO sell so! That 'ere are a good +harticle both at 'ome and abroad. My eye! how they does go off in +Leaplow!" + +"This appears to be also your expectation, brigadier, by your +readiness to take an interest!" + +"To speak the truth, nothing sells better in our beloved country." + +"Permit me to remark that I find your readiness to purchase this and +the last article, a little singular. If I have rightly comprehended +our previous conversations, you Leaplowers profess to have improved +not only on the ancient principles of polity, but on the social +condition generally." + +"We will talk of this during the passage homewards, Sir John +Goldencalf; but, by your leave, I will take a share in the +investment in 'Opinions on the State of Society and Manners in +Leaplow,' especially if they treat at large on the deformities of +the government, while they allow us to be genteel. This is the true +notch--some of these goods have been condemned because the +manufacturers hadn't sufficient skill in dyeing." + +"You shall have a share, brigadier. Harkee, Mr. Broker; I take it +these said opinions come from some very well-known and approved +manufactory?" + +"All sorts, sir. Some good, and some good for nothing--everything +sells, 'owever. I never was in Leaplow, but we says over 'ere, that +the Leaplowers eat, and drink, and sleep on our opinions. Lord, sir, +it would really do your heart good to see the stuff, in these +harticles, that they does take from us without higgling!" + +"I presume, brigadier, that you use them as an amusement--as a means +to pass a pleasant hour, of an evening--a sort of moral segar?" + +"No, sir," put in the broker, "they doesn't smoke 'em, my word on't, +or they wouldn't buy 'em in such lots!" + +I now thought enough had been laid in on my own account, and I +turned to see what the captain was about. He was higgling for a bale +marked "Opinions on the Lost Condition of the Monikin Soul." A +little curious to know why he had made this selection, I led him +aside, and frankly put the question. + +"Why, to own the truth, Sir John," he said, "religion is an article +that sells in every market, in some shape or other. Now, we are all +in the dark about the Leaplow tastes and usages, for I always +suspect a native of the country to which I am bound, on such a +p'int; and if the things shouldn't sell there, they'll at least do +at Stunnin'tun. Miss Poke alone would use up what there is in that +there bale, in a twelvemonth. To give the woman her due, she's a +desperate consumer of snuff and religion." + +We had now pretty effectually cleared the shelves, and the cook, who +had come ashore to dispose of his slush, had not yet been able to +get anything. + +"Here is a small bale as come FROM Leaplow, and a pinched little +thing it is," said the broker, laughing; "it don't take at all, +here, and it might do to go 'ome again--at any rate, you will get +the drawback. It is filled with 'Distinctive Opinions of the +Republic of Leaplow.'" The cook looked at the brigadier, who +appeared to think the speculation doubtful. Still it was Hobson's +choice; and, after a good deal of grumbling, the doctor, as Noah +always called his cook, consented to take the "harticle," at half +the prime cost. + +Judge People's Friend now came trotting down to the port, thoroughly +en republican, when we immediately embarked, and in half an hour, +Bob was kicked to Noah's heart's content, and the Walrus was fairly +under way for Leaplow. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + +POLITICAL BOUNDARIES--POLITICAL RIGHTS--POLITICAL SELECTIONS, AND +POLITICAL DISQUISITIONS; WITH POLITICAL RESULTS. + + +The aquatic mile-stones of the monikin seas have been already +mentioned; but I believe I omitted to say, that there was a line of +demarcation drawn in the water, by means of a similar invention, to +point out the limits of the jurisdiction of each state. Thus, all +within these water-marks was under the laws of Leaphigh; all between +them and those of some other country, was the high seas; and all +within those of the other country, Leaplow for instance, was under +the exclusive jurisdiction of that other country. + +With a favorable wind, the Walrus could run to the watermarks in +about half a day; from thence to the water-marks of Leaplow was two +days' sail, and another half day was necessary to reach our haven. +As we drew near the legal frontiers of Leaphigh, several small fast- +sailing schooners were seen hovering just without the jurisdiction +of the king, quite evidently waiting our approach. One boarded us, +just as the outer edge of the spanker-boom got clear of the Leaphigh +sovereignty. Judge People's Friend rushed to the side of the ship, +and before the crew of the boat could get on deck, he had +ascertained that the usual number of prizes had been put into the +little wheel. + +A monikin in a bob of a most pronounced character, or which appeared +to have been subjected to the second amputation, being what is +called in Leaplow a bob-upon-bob, now approached, and inquired if +there were any emigrants on board. He was made acquainted with our +characters and objects. When he understood that our stay would most +likely be short, he was evidently a little disappointed. + +"Perhaps, gentlemen," he added, "you may still remain long enough to +make naturalization desirable?" + +"It is always agreeable to be at home in foreign countries--but are +there no legal objections?" + +"I see none, sir--you have no tails, I believe?" + +"None but what are in our trunks. I did not know, however, but the +circumstance of our being of a different species might throw some +obstacles in the way." + +"None in the world, sir. We act on principles much too liberal for +so narrow an objection. You are but little acquainted with the +institutions and policy of our beloved and most happy country, I +see, sir. This is not Leaphigh, nor Leapup, nor Leapdown, nor +Leapover, nor Leapthrough, nor Leapunder; but good old, hearty, +liberal, free and independent, most beloved, happy, and prosperous +beyond example, Leaplow. Species is of no account under our system. +We would as soon naturalize one animal as another, provided it be a +republican animal. I see no deficiency about any of you. All we ask +is certain general principles. You go on two legs--" + +"So do turkeys, sir." + +"Very true--but you have no feathers." + +"Neither has a donkey." + +"All very right, gentlemen--you do not bray, however." + +"I will not answer for that," put in the captain, sending his leg +forwards in a straight line, in a way to raise an outcry in Bob, +that almost upset the Leaplower's proposition. + +"At all events, gentlemen," he observed, "there is a test that will +put the matter at rest, at once." + +He then desired us, in turn, to pronounce the word "our"--"OUR +liberties"--"OUR country"--"OUR firesides"--"OUR altars," Whoever +expressed a wish to be naturalized, and could use this word in the +proper manner, and in the proper place, was entitled to be a +citizen. We all did very well but the second mate, who, being a +Herefordshire man, could not, for the life of him, get any nearer to +the Doric, in the latter shibboleth, than "our halters." Now, it +would seem that, in carrying out a great philanthropic principle in +Leaplow, halters had been proscribed; for, whenever a rogue did +anything amiss, it had been discovered that, instead of punishing +him for the offence, the true way to remedy the evil was to punish +the society against which he had offended. By this ingenious turn, +society was naturally made to look out sharp how it permitted any +one to offend it. This excellent idea is like that of certain +Dutchmen, who, when they cut themselves with an ax, always apply +salve and lint to the cruel steel, and leave the wound to heal as +fast as possible. + +To return to our examination: we all passed but the second mate, who +hung in his halter, and was pronounced to be incorrigible. +Certificates of naturalization were delivered on the spot, the fees +were paid, and the schooner left us. + +That night it blew a gale, and we had no more visitors until the +following morning. As the sun rose, however, we fell in with three +schooners, under the Leaplow flag, all of which seemed bound on +errands of life or death. The first that reached us sent a boat on +board, and a committee of six bob-upon-bobs hurried up our sides, +and lost no time in introducing themselves. I shall give their own +account of their business and characters. + +It would seem that they were what is called a "nominating committee" +of the Horizontals, for the City of Bivouac, the port to which we +were bound, where an election was about to take place for members of +the great National Council. Bivouac was entitled to send seven +members; and having nominated themselves, the committee were now in +quest of a seventh candidate to fill the vacancy. In order to secure +the naturalized interests, it had been determined to select as new a +comer as possible. This would also be maintaining the principle of +liberality, in the abstract. For this reason they had been cruising +for a week, as near as the law would allow to the Leaphigh +boundaries, and they were now ready to take any one who would serve. + +To this proposition I again objected the difference of species. Here +they all fairly laughed in my face, Brigadier Downright included, +giving me very distinctly to understand that they thought I had very +contracted notions on matters and things, to suppose so trifling an +obstacle could disturb the harmony and unity of a Horizontal vote. +They went for a principle, and the devil himself could not make them +swerve from the pursuit of so sacred an object. + +I then candidly admitted that nature had not fitted me, as admirably +as it had fitted my friend the judge, for the throwing of +summersets; and I feared that when the order was given "to go to the +right about," I might be found no better than a bungler. This +staggered them a little; and I perceived that they looked at each +other in doubt. + +"But you can, at least, turn round suddenly, at need?" one of them +asked, after a pause. + +"Certainly, sir," I answered, giving ocular evidence that I was no +idle boaster, making a complete gyration on my heels, in very good +time. + +"Very well!--admirably well!" they all cried in a breath. "The great +political essential is to be able to perform the evolutions in their +essence--the facility with which they are performed being no more +than a personal merit." + +"But, gentlemen, I know little more of your constitution and laws, +than I have learned in a few broken discussions with my fellow- +travellers." + +"This is a matter of no moment, sir. Our constitution, unlike that +of Leaphigh, is written down, and he who runs can read; and then we +have a political fugleman in the house, who saves an immense deal of +unnecessary study and reflection to the members. All you will have +to do, will be to watch his movements; and, my life on it, you will +go as well through the manual exercise as the oldest member there." + +"How, sir, do all the members take the manoeuvres from this +fugleman?" + +"All the Horizontals, sir--the Perpendiculars having a fugleman of +their own." + +"Well, gentlemen, I conceive this to be an affair in which I am no +judge, and I put myself entirely in the hands of my friends." + +This answer met with much commendation, and manifested, as they all +protested, great political capabilities; the statesman who submitted +all to his friends never failing to rise to eminence in Leaplow. The +committee took my name in writing and hastened back to their +schooner, in order to get into port to promulgate the nomination. +These persons were hardly off the deck, before another party came up +the opposite side of the ship. They announced themselves to be a +nominating committee of the Perpendiculars, on exactly the same +errand as their opponents. They, too, wished to propitiate the +foreign interests, and were in search of a proper candidate. Captain +Poke had been an attentive listener to all that occurred during the +circumstances that preceded my nomination; and he now stepped +promptly forward, and declared his readiness to serve. As there was +quite as little squeamishness on one side as on the other, and the +Perpendicular committee, as it owned itself, was greatly pressed for +time, the Horizontals having the start of them, the affair was +arranged in five minutes, and the strangers departed with the name +of NOAH POKE, THE TRIED PATRIOT, THE PROFOUND JURIST, AND THE HONEST +MONIKIN, handsomely placarded on a large board--all but the name +having been carefully prepared in advance. + +When the committee were fairly out of the ship, Noah look me aside, +and made his apologies for opposing me in this important election. +His reasons were numerous and ingenious, and, as usual, a little +discursive. They might be summed up as follows: He never had sat in +a parliament, and he was curious to know how it would feel; it would +increase the respect of the ship's company, to find their commander +of so much account in a strange port; he had had some experience at +Stunnin'tun by reading the newspapers, and he didn't doubt of his +abilities at all, a circumstance that rarely failed of making a good +legislator; the congressman in his part of the country was some such +man as himself, and what was good for the goose was good for the +gander; he knew Miss Poke would be pleased to hear he had been +chosen; he wondered if he should be called the Honorable Noah Poke, +and whether he should receive eight dollars a day, and mileage from +the spot where the ship then was; the Perpendiculars might count on +him, for his word was as good as his bond; as for the constitution, +he had got on under the constitution at home, and he believed a man +who could do that might get on under any constitution; he didn't +intend to say a great deal in parliament, but what he did say he +hoped might be recorded for the use of his children; together with a +great deal more of the same sort of argumentation and apology. + +The third schooner now brought us to. This vessel sent another +committee, who announced themselves to be the representatives of a +party that was termed the Tangents. They were not numerous, but +sufficiently so to hold the balance whenever the Horizontals and the +Perpendiculars crossed each other directly at right angles, as was +the case at present; and they had now determined to run a single +candidate of their own. They, too, wished to fortify themselves by +the foreign interest, as was natural, and had come out in quest of a +proper person. I suggested the first mate; but against this Noah +protested, declaring that come what would, the ship must on no +account be deserted. Time pressed; and, while the captain and the +subordinate were hotly disputing the propriety of permitting the +latter to serve, Bob, who had already tasted the sweets of political +importance, in his assumed character of prince-royal, stepped slyly +up to the committee, and gave in his name. Noah was too much +occupied to discover this well-managed movement; and by the time he +had sworn to throw the mate overboard if he did not instantly +relinquish all ambitious projects of this nature, he found that the +Tangents were off. Supposing they had gone to some other vessel, the +captain allowed himself to be soothed, and all went on smoothly +again. + +From this time until we anchored in the bay of Bivouac, the +tranquillity and discipline of the Walrus were undisturbed. I +improved the occasion to study the constitution of Leaplow, of which +the judge had a copy, and to glean such information from my +companions as I believed might be useful in my future career. I +thought how pleasant it would be for a foreigner to teach the +Leaplowers their own laws, and to explain to them the application of +their own principles! Little, however, was to be got from the judge, +who was just then too much occupied with some calculations +concerning the chances of the little wheel, with which he had been +furnished by a leading man of one of the nominating committees. + +I now questioned the brigadier touching that peculiar usage of his +country which rendered Leaphigh opinions concerning the Leaplow +institutions, society, and manners of so much value in the market of +the latter. To this I got but an indifferent answer, except it was +to say, that his countrymen, having cleared the interests connected +with the subjects from the rubbish of time, and set everything at +work, on the philosophical basis of reason and common sense, were +exceedingly desirous of knowing what other people thought of the +success of the experiment. + +"I expect to see a nation of sages, I can assure you, brigadier; one +in which even the very children are profoundly instructed in the +great truths of your system; and, as to the monikinas, I am not +without dread of bringing my theoretical ignorance in collision with +their great practical knowledge of the principles of your +government." + +"They are early fed on political pap." + +"No doubt, sir, no doubt. How different must they be from the +females of other countries! Deeply imbued with the great distinctive +principles of your system, devoted to the education of their +children in the same sublime truths, and indefatigable in their +discrimination, among the meanest of their households!" + +"Hum!" + +"Now, sir, even in England, a country which I trust is not the most +debased on earth, you will find women, beautiful, intellectual, +accomplished and patriotic, who limit their knowledge of these +fundamental points to a zeal for a clique, and the whole of whose +eloquence on great national questions is bounded by a few heartfelt +wishes for the downfall of their opponents;--" + +"It is very much so at Stunnin'tun, too, if truth must be spoken," +remarked Noah, who had been a listener. + +"Who, instead of instructing the young suckers that cling to their +sides in just notions of general social distinctions, nurture their +young antipathies with pettish philippics against some luckless +chief of the adverse party;--" + +"Tis pretty much the same at Stunnin'tun, as I live!" + +"Who rarely study the great lessons of history in order to point out +to the future statesmen and heroes of the empire the beacons of +crime, the incentives for public virtue, or the charters of their +liberties; but who are indefatigable in echoing the cry of the hour, +however false or vulgar, and who humanize their attentive offspring +by softly expressed wishes that Mr. Canning, or some other +frustrator of the designs of their friends, were fairly hanged!" + +"Stunnin'tun, all over!" + +"Beings that are angels in form--soft, gentle, refined, and tearful +as the evening with its dews, when there is a question of humanity +or suffering; but who seem strangely transformed into she-tigers, +whenever any but those of whom they can approve attain to power; and +who, instead of entwining their soft arms around their husbands and +brothers, to restrain them from the hot strife of opinions, cheer +them on by their encouragement and throw dirt with the volubility +and wit of fish-women." + +"Miss Poke, to the backbone!" + +"In short, sir, I expect to see an entirely different state of +things at Leaplow. There, when a political adversary is bespattered +with mud, your gentle monikinas, doubtless, appease anger by mild +soothings of philosophy, tempering zeal by wisdom, and regulating +error by apt and unanswerable quotations from that great charter +which is based on the eternal and immutable principles of right." + +"Well, Sir John, if you speak in this elocutionary manner in the +house," cried the delighted Noah, "I shall be shy of answering. I +doubt, now, if the brigadier himself could repeat all you have just +said." + +"I have forgotten to inquire, Mr. Downright, a little about your +Leaplow constituency. The suffrage is, beyond question, confined to +those members of society who possess a 'social stake.'" + +"Certainly, Sir John, They who live and breathe." + +"Surely none vote but those who possess the money, and houses, and +lands of the country?" + +"Sir, you are altogether in error; all vote who possess ears, and +eyes, and noses, and bobs, and lives, and hopes, and wishes, and +feelings, and wants. Wants we conceive to be a much truer test of +political fidelity, than possessions." + +"This is novel doctrine, indeed! but it is in direct hostility to +the social-stake system." + +"You were never more right, Sir John, as respects your own theory, +or never more wrong as respects the truth. In Leaplow we contend-- +and contend justly--that there is no broader or bolder fallacy than +to say that a representation of mere effects, whether in houses, +lands, merchandise, or money, is a security for a good government. +Property is affected by measures; and the more a monikin has, the +greater is the bribe to induce him to consult his own interests, +although it should be at the expense of those of everybody else." + +"But, sir, the interest of the community is composed of the +aggregate of these interests." + +"Your pardon, Sir John; nothing is composed of it, but the aggregate +of the interests of a class. If your government is instituted for +their benefit only, your social-stake system is all well enough; but +if the object be the general good, you have no choice but to trust +its custody to the general keeping. Let us suppose two men--since +you happen to be a man, and not a monikin--let us suppose two men +perfectly equal in morals, intelligence, public virtue and +patriotism, one of whom shall be rich and the other shall have +nothing. A crisis arrives in the affairs of their common country, +and both are called upon to exercise their franchise, on a question- +-as almost all great questions must--that unavoidably will have some +influence on property generally. Which would give the most impartial +vote--he who, of necessity, must be swayed by his personal interest, +or he who has no inducement of the sort to go astray?" + +"Certainly he who has nothing to influence him to go wrong. But the +question is not fairly put--" + +"Your pardon, Sir John--it is put fairly as an abstract question, +and one that is to prove a principle. I am glad to hear you say that +a man would be apt to decide in this manner; for it shows his +identity with a monikin. We hold that all of us are apt to think +most of ourselves on such occasions." + +"My dear brigadier, do not mistake sophistry for reason. Surely, if +power belonged only to the poor--and the poor, or the comparatively +poor, always compose the mass--they would exercise it in a way to +strip the rich of their possessions." + +"We think not, in Leaplow. Cases might exist, in which such a state +of things would occur under a reaction; but reactions imply abuses, +and are not to be quoted to maintain a principle. He who was drunk +yesterday, may need an unnatural stimulus to-day; while he who is +uniformly temperate preserves his proper tone of body without +recourse to a remedy so dangerous. Such an experiment, under a +strong provocation, might possibly be made; but it could scarcely be +made twice among any people, and not even once among a people that +submits in season to a just division of its authority, since it is +obviously destructive of a leading principle of civilization. +According to our monikin histories, all the attacks upon property +have been produced by property's grasping at more than fairly +belongs to its immunities. If you make political power a concomitant +of property, both may go together, certainly; but if kept separate, +the danger to the latter will never exceed the danger in which it is +put daily by the arts of the money-getters, who are, in truth, the +greatest foes of property, as it belongs to others." + +I remembered Sir Joseph Job, and could not but admit that the +brigadier had, at least, some truth on his side. + +"But do you deny that the sentiment of property elevates the mind, +ennobles, and purifies?" + +"Sir, I do not pretend to determine what may be the fact among men, +but we hold among monikins, that 'the love of money is the root of +all evil.'" + +"How, sir, do you account the education which is a consequence of +property as nothing?" + +"If you mean, my dear Sir John, that which property is most apt to +teach, we hold it to be selfishness; but if you mean that he who has +money, as a rule, will also have in formation to guide him aright, I +must answer, that experience, which is worth a thousand theories, +tells us differently. We find that on questions which are purely +between those who have, and those who have not, the HAVES are +commonly united, and we think this would be the fact if they were as +unschooled as bears; but on all other questions, they certainly do +great discredit to education, unless you admit that there are in +every case TWO rights; for, with us, the most highly educated +generally take the two extremes of every argument. I state this to +be the fact with monikins, you will remember--doubtless, educated +men agree much better." + +"But, my good brigadier, if your position about the greater +impartiality and independence of the elector who is not influenced +by his private interests be true, a country would do well to submit +its elections to a body of foreign umpires." + +"It would indeed, Sir John, if it were certain these foreign umpires +would not abuse the power to their own particular advantage, if they +could have the feelings and sentiments which ennoble and purify a +nation far more than money, and if it were possible they could +thoroughly understand the character, habits, wants, and resources of +another people. As things are, therefore, we believe it is wisest to +trust our own elections to ourselves--not to a portion of ourselves, +but to all of ourselves." + +"Immigrants included," put in the captain. + +"Why, we do carry the principle well out in the case of gentlemen +like yourselves," returned the brigadier, politely, "but liberality +is a virtue. As a principle, Sir John, your idea of referring the +choice of our representatives to strangers has more merit than you +probably imagine, though, certainly, impracticable, for the reasons +already given. When we seek justice, we commonly look out for some +impartial judge. Such a judge is unattainable, however, in the +matter of the interests of a state, for the simple reason that power +of this sort, permanently wielded, would be perverted on a principle +which, after a most scrupulous analysis, we have been compelled to +admit is incorporated with the very monikin nature--viz., +selfishness. I make no manner of doubt that you men, however, are +altogether superior to an influence so unworthy?" + +Here I could only borrow the use of the brigadier's "Hum!" + +"Having ascertained that it would not do to submit the control of +our affairs to utter strangers, or to those whose interests are not +identified with our own, we set about seeing what could be done with +a selection from among ourselves. Here we were again met by that +same obstinate principle of selfishness; and we were finally driven +to take shelter in the experiment of intrusting the interests of all +to the management of all." + +"And, sir, are these the opinions of Leaphigh?" + +"Very far from it. The difference between Leaphigh and Leaplow is +just this: the Leaphighers, being an ancient people, with a thousand +vested interests, are induced, as time improves the mind, to seek +reasons for their facts; while we Leaplowers, being unshackled by +any such restraints, have been able to make an effort to form our +facts on our reasons." + +"Why do you, then, so much prize Leaphigh opinions on Leaplow +facts?" + +"Why does every little monikin believe his own father and mother to +be just the two wisest, best, most virtuous, and discreetest old +monikins in the whole world, until time, opportunity, and experience +show him his error?" + +"Do you make no exceptions, then, in your franchise, but admit every +citizen who, as you say, has a nose, ears, bob, and wants, to the +exercise of the suffrage?" + +"Perhaps we are less scrupulous on this head than we ought to be, +since we do not make ignorance and want of character bars to the +privilege. Qualifications beyond mere birth and existence may be +useful, but they are badly chosen when they are brought to the test +of purely material possessions. This practice has arisen in the +world from the fact that they who had property had power, and not +because they ought to have it." + +"My dear brigadier, this is flying in the face of all experience." + +"For the reason just given, and because all experience has hitherto +commenced at the wrong end. Society should be constructed as you +erect a house; not from the roof down, but from the foundation +upwards." + +"Admitting, however, that your house has been badly constructed at +first, in repairing it, would you tear away the walls at random, at +the risk of bringing all down about your ears?" + +"I would first see that sufficient props were reared, and then +proceed with vigor, though always with caution. Courage in such an +experiment is less to be dreaded than timidity. Half the evils of +life, social, personal and political, are as much the effects of +moral cowardice as of fraud." + +I then told the brigadier, that as his countrymen rejected the +inducements of property in the selection of the political base of +their social compact, I expected to find a capital substitute in +virtue. + +"I have always heard that virtue is the great essential of a free +people, and doubtless you Leaplowers are perfect models in this +important particular?" + +The brigadier smiled before he answered me, first looking about to +the right and left, as if to regale himself with the odor of +perfection. + +"Many theories have been broached on these subjects," he replied, +"in which there has been some confusion between cause and effect. +Virtue is no more a cause of freedom, except as it is connected with +intelligence, than vice is a cause of slavery. Both may be +consequences, but it is not easy to say how either is necessarily a +cause. There is a homely saying among us monikins, which is quite to +the point in this matter: 'Set a rogue to catch a rogue.' Now, the +essence of a free government is to be found in the responsibility of +its agents. He who governs without responsibility is a master, while +he who discharges the duties of a functionary under a practical +responsibility is a servant. This is the only true test of +governments, let them be mystified as they may in other respects. +Responsibility to the mass of the nation is the criterion of +freedom. Now responsibility is the SUBSTITUTE for virtue in a +politician, as discipline is the substitute for courage in a +soldier. An army of brave monikins without discipline, would be very +apt to be worsted by an army of monikins of less natural spirit, +with discipline. So a corps of originally virtuous politicians, +without responsibility, would be very apt to do more selfish, +lawless, and profligate acts, than a corps of less virtue, who were +kept rigidly under the rod of responsibility. Unrestrained power is +a great corrupter of virtue, of itself; while the liabilities of a +restrained authority are very apt to keep it in check. At least, +such is the fact with us monikins--men very possibly get along +better." + +"Let me tell you, Mr. Downright, you are now uttering opinions that +are diametrically opposed to those of the world, which considers +virtue an indispensable ingredient in a republic." + +"The world--meaning always the monikin world--knows very little +about real political liberty, except as a theory. We of Leaplow are, +in effect, the only people who have had much to do with it, and I am +now telling you what is the result of my own observation, in my own +country. If monikins were purely virtuous, there would be no +necessity for government at all; but, being what they are, we think +it wisest to set them to watch each other." + +"But yours is self-government, which implies self-restraint; and +self-restraint is but another word for virtue." + +"If the merit of our system depended on self-government, in your +signification, or on self-restraint, in any signification, it would +not be worth the trouble of this argument, Sir John Goldencalf. This +is one of those balmy fallacies with which ill-judging moralists +endeavor to stimulate monikins to good deeds. Our government is +based on a directly opposite principle; that of watching and +restraining each other, instead of trusting to our ability to +restrain ourselves. It is the want of responsibility, and not of +constant and active presence, which infers virtue and self-control. +No one would willingly lay legal restraints on himself in anything, +while all are very happy to restrain their neighbors. This refers to +the positive and necessary rules of intercourse, and the +establishment of rights; as to mere morality, laws do very little +towards enforcing its ordinances. Morals usually come of +instruction; and when all have political power, instruction is a +security that all desire." + +"But when all vote, all may wish to abuse their trust to their own +especial advantage, and a political chaos will be the consequence." + +"Such a result is impossible, except as especial advantage is +identified with general advantage. A community can no more buy +itself in this manner, than a monikin can eat himself, let him be as +ravenous as he will. Admitting that all are rogues, necessity would +compel a compromise." + +"You make out a plausible theory, and I have little doubt that I +shall find you the wisest, the most logical, the discreetest, and +the most consistent community I have yet visited. But another word: +how is it that our friend the judge gave such equivocal instructions +to his charge; and why, in particular, did he lay so much stress on +the employment of means, which gave the lie flatly to all you have +told me?" + +Brigadier Downright hereupon stroked his chin, and observed that he +thought there might possibly be a shift of wind; and he also +wondered (quite audibly), when we should make the land. I afterwards +persuaded him to allow that a monikin was but a monikin, after all, +whether he had the advantages of universal suffrage, or lived under +a despot. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + +AN ARRIVAL--AN ELECTION--ARCHITECTURE--A ROLLING-PIN, AND PATRIOTISM +OF THE MOST APPROVED WATER. + + +In due time the coast of Leaplow made its appearance, close under +our larboard bow. So sudden was our arrival in this novel and +extraordinary country, that we were very near running on it, before +we got a glimpse of its shores. The seamanship of Captain Poke, +however, stood us in hand; and, by the aid of a very clever pilot, +we were soon safely moored in the harbor of Bivouac. In this happy +land, there was no registration, no passports, "no nothin'"--as Mr. +Poke pointedly expressed it. The formalities were soon observed, +although I had occasion to remark, how much easier, after all, it is +to get along in this world with vice than with virtue. A bribe +offered to a custom-house officer was refused; and the only trouble +I had, on the occasion, arose from this awkward obtrusion of a +conscience. However, the difficulty was overcome, though not quite +as easily as if douceurs had happened to be in fashion; and we were +permitted to land with all our necessary effects. + +The city of Bivouac presented a singular aspect as I first put foot +within its hallowed streets. The houses were all covered with large +placards, which, at first, I took to be lists of the wares to be +vended, for the place is notoriously commercial; but which, on +examination, I soon discovered were merely electioneering handbills. +The reader will figure to himself my pleasure and surprise, on +reading the first that offered. It ran as follows: + +"HORIZONTAL NOMINATION. + +"Horizontal-Systematic-Indoctrinated-Republicans: Attention! + +"Your sacred rights are in danger; your dearest liberties are +menaced; your wives and children are on the point of dissolution; +the infamous and unconstitutional position that the sun gives light +by day, and the moon by night, is openly and impudently propagated, +and now is the only occasion that will probably ever offer to arrest +an error so pregnant with deception and domestic evils. We present +to your notice a suitable defender of all those near and dear +interests, in the person of" + +"JOHN GOLDENCALF," + +"the known patriot, the approved legislator, the profound +philosopher, the incorruptible statesman. To our adopted fellow- +citizens we need not recommend Mr. Goldencalf, for he is truly one +of themselves; to the native citizens we will only say, 'Try him, +and you will be more than satisfied.'" + +I found this placard of great use, for it gave me the first +information I had yet had of the duty I was expected to perform in +the coming session of the great council; which was merely to +demonstrate that the moon gave light by day, and that the sun gave +light by night. Of course, I immediately set about, in my own mind, +hunting up the proper arguments by which this grave political +hypothesis was to be properly maintained. The next placard was in +favor + +"NOAH POKE," + +"the experienced navigator, who will conduct the ship of state into +the haven of prosperity--the practical astronomer who knows by +frequent observations, that lunars are not to be got in the dark." + +"Perpendiculars, be plumb, and lay your enemies on their backs!" + +After this I fell in with-- + +"THE HONORABLE ROBERT SMUT," + +"is confidently recommended to all their fellow-citizens by the +nominating committee of the Anti-Approved-Sublimated-Politico- +Tangents, as the real gentleman, a ripe scholar, [Footnote: I +afterwards found this was a common phrase in Leaplow, being +uniformly applied to every monikin who wore spectacles.] an +enlightened politician, and a sound Democrat." + +"But I should fill the manuscript with nothing else, were I to record +a tithe of the commendations and abuse that were heaped on us all, +by a community to whom, as yet, we were absolutely strangers. A +single sample of the latter will suffice." + +"AFFIDAVIT." + +"Personally appeared before me, John Equity, justice of the peace, +Peter Veracious, etc., etc., who, being duly sworn upon the Holy +Evangelists, doth depose and say, viz.: That he was intimately +acquainted with one John Goldencalf in his native country, and that +he is personally knowing to the fact that he, the said John +Goldencalf, has three wives, seven illegitimate children, is +moreover a bankrupt without character, and that he was obliged to +emigrate in consequence of having stolen a sheep." + +"Sworn, etc." + +"(Signed,) PETER VERACIOUS." + +I naturally felt a little indignant at this impudent statement, and +was about to call upon the first passer-by for the address of Mr. +Veracious, when the skirts of my skin were seized by one of the +Horizontal nominating committee, and I was covered with +congratulations on my being happily elected. Success is an admirable +plaster for all wounds, and I really forgot to have the affair of +the sheep and of the illegitimate children inquired into; although I +still protest, that had fortune been less propitious, the rascal who +promulgated this calumny would have been made to smart for his +temerity. In less than five minutes it was the turn of Captain Poke. +He, too, was congratulated in due form; for, as it appeared, the +"immigrant interest," as Noah termed it, had actually carried a +candidate on each of the two great opposing tickets. Thus far, all +was well; for, after sharing his mess so long, I had not the +smallest objection to sit in the Leaplow parliament with the worthy +sealer; but our mutual surprise, and I believe I might add, +indignation, were a good deal excited, by shortly encountering a +walking notice, which contained a programme of the proceedings to be +observed at the "Reception of the Honorable Robert Smut." + +It would seem that the Horizontals and the Perpendiculars had made +so many spurious and mystified ballots, in order to propitiate the +Tangents, and to cheat each other, that this young blackguard +actually stood at the head of the poll!--a political phenomenon, as +I subsequently discovered, however, by no means of rare occurrence +in the Leaplow history of the periodical selection of the wisest and +best. + +There was certainly an accumulation of interest on arriving in a +strange land, to find one's self both extolled and vituperated on +most of the corners in its capital, and to be elected to its +parliament, all in the same day. Still, I did not permit myself to +be either so much elated or so much depressed, as not to have all my +eyes about me, in order to get as correctly as possible, and as +quickly as possible, some insight into the characters, tastes, +habits, wishes, and wants of my constituents. + +I have already declared that it is my intention to dwell chiefly on +the moral excellences and peculiarities of the people of the monikin +world. Still I could not walk through the streets of Bivouac without +observing a few physical usages, that I shall mention, because they +have an evident connection with the state of society, and the +historical recollections of this interesting portion of the polar +region. + +In the first place, I remarked that all sorts of quadrupeds are just +as much at home in the promenades of the town, as the inhabitants +themselves, a fact that I make no doubt has some very proper +connection with that principle of equal rights on which the +institutions of the country are established. In the second place, I +could not but see that their dwellings are constructed on the very +minimum of base, propping each other, as emblematic of the mutual +support obtained by the republican system, and seeking their +development in height for the want of breadth; a singularity of +customs that I did not hesitate at once to refer to a usage of +living in trees, at an epoch not very remote. In the third place, I +noted, instead of entering their dwellings near the ground like men, +and indeed like most other unfledged animals, that they ascend by +means of external steps to an aperture about half-way between the +roof and the earth, where, having obtained admission, they go up or +down within the building, as occasion requires. This usage, I made +no question, was preserved from the period (and that, too, no +distant one), when the savage condition of the country induced them +to seek protection against the ravages of wild beasts, by having +recourse to ladders, which were drawn up after the family into the +top of the tree, as the sun sank beneath the horizon. These steps or +ladders are generally of some white material, in order that they +may, even now, be found in the dark, should the danger be urgent; +although I do not know that Bivouac is a more disorderly or unsafe +town than another, in the present day. But habits linger in the +usages of a people, and are often found to exist as fashions, long +after the motive of their origin has ceased and been forgotten. As a +proof of this, many of the dwellings of Bivouac have still enormous +iron chevaux-de-frise before the doors, and near the base of the +stone-ladders; a practice unquestionably taken from the original, +unsophisticated, domestic defences of this wary and enterprising +race. Among a great many of these chevaux-de-frise, I remarked +certain iron images, that resemble the kings of chess-men, and which +I took, at first, to be symbols of the calculating qualities of the +owners of the mansions--a species of republican heraldry--but which +the brigadier told me, on inquiry, were no more than a fashion that +had descended from the custom of having stuffed images before the +doors, in the early days of the settlement, to frighten away the +beasts at night, precisely as we station scarecrows in a corn-field. +Two of these well-padded sentinels, with a stick stuck up in a fire- +lock attitude, he assured me, had often been known to maintain a +siege of a week, against a she-bear and a numerous family of hungry +cubs, in the olden times; and, now that the danger was gone, he +presumed the families which had caused these iron monuments to be +erected, had done so to record some marvellous risks of this nature, +from which their forefathers had escaped by means of so ingenious an +expedient. + +Everything in Bivouac bears the impress of the sublime principle of +the institutions. The houses of the private citizens, for instance, +overtop the roofs of all the public edifices, to show that the +public is merely a servant of the citizen. Even the churches have +this peculiarity, proving that the road to heaven is not independent +of the popular will. The great Hall of Justice, an edifice of which +the Bivouackers are exceedingly proud, is constructed in the same +recumbent style, the architect, with a view to protect himself from +the imputation of believing that the firmament was within reach of +his hand, having taken the precaution to run up a wooden finger- +board from the centre of the building, which points to the place +where, according to the notions of all other people, the ridge of +the roof itself should have been raised. So very apparent was this +peculiarity, Noah observed, that it seemed to him as if the whole +"'arth" had been rolled down by a great political rolling-pin, by +way of giving the country its finishing touch. + +While making these remarks, one drew near at a brisk trot, who, Mr. +Downright observed, eagerly desired our acquaintance. Surprised at +his pretending to know such a fact without any previous +communication, I took the liberty of asking why he thought that we +were the particular objects of the other's haste. + +"Simply because you are fresh arrivals. This person is one of a +sufficiently numerous class among us, who, devoured by a small +ambition, seek notoriety--which, by the way, they are near obtaining +in more respects than they probably desire--by obtruding themselves +on every stranger who touches our shore. Theirs is not a generous +and frank hospitality that would fain serve others, but an irritable +vanity that would glorify themselves. The liberal and enlightened +monikin is easily to be distinguished from all of this clique. He is +neither ashamed of, nor bigoted in favor of any usages, simply +because they are domestic. With him the criterions of merit are +propriety, taste, expediency, and fitness. He distinguishes, while +these crave; he neither wholly rejects, nor wholly lives by, +imitation, but judges for himself, and uses his experience as a +respectable and useful guide; while these think that all they can +attain that is beyond the reach of their neighbors, is, as a matter +of course, the sole aim of life. Strangers they seek, because they +have long since decreed that this country, with its usages, its +people, and all it contains, being founded on popular rights, is all +that is debased and vulgar, themselves and a few of their own +particular friends excepted; and they are never so happy as when +they are gloating on, and basking in, the secondary refinements of +what we call the 'old region.' Their own attainments, however, being +pretty much godsends, or such as we all pick up in our daily +intercourse, they know nothing of any foreign country but Leaphigh, +whose language we happen to speak; and, as Leaphigh is also the very +beau ideal of exclusion, in its usages, opinions, and laws, they +deem all who come from that part of the earth, as rather more +entitled to their profound homage than any other strangers." + +Here Judge People's Friend, who had been vigorously pumping the +nominating committee on the subject of the chances of the little +wheel, suddenly left us, with a sneaking, self-abased air, and with +his nose to the ground, like a dog who has just caught a fresh +scent. + +The next time we met with the ex-envoy, he was in mourning for some +political backsliding that I never comprehended. He had submitted to +a fresh amputation of the bob, and had so thoroughly humbled the +seat of reason, that it was not possible for the most envious and +malignant disposition to fancy he had a particle of brains left. He +had, moreover, caused every hair to be shaved off his body, which +was as naked as the hand, and altogether he presented an edifying +picture of penitence and self-abasement. I afterwards understood +that this purification was considered perfectly satisfactory, and +that he was thought to be, again, within the limits of the most +patriotic patriots. + +In the meantime the Bivouacker had approached me, and was introduced +as Mr. Gilded Wriggle. + +"Count Poke de Stunnin'tun, my good sir," said the brigadier, who +was the master of ceremonies on this occasion, "and the Mogul +Goldencalf--both noblemen of ancient lineage, admirable privileges, +and of the purest water; gentlemen who, when they are at home, have +six dinners daily, always sleep on diamonds, and whose castles are +none of them less than six leagues in extent." + +"My friend General Downright has taken too much pains, gentlemen," +interrupted our new acquaintance, "your rank and extraction being +self-evident. Welcome to Leaplow! I beg you will make free with my +house, my dog, my cat, my horse, and myself. I particularly beg that +your first, your last, and all the intermediate visits, will be to +me. Well, Mogul, what do you really think of us? You have now been +on shore long enough to have formed a pretty accurate notion of our +institutions and habits. I beg you will not judge of all of us by +what you see in the streets--" + +"It is not my intention, sir." + +"You are cautious, I perceive? We are in an awful condition, I +confess; trampled on by the vulgar, and far--very far from being the +people that, I dare say, you expected to see. I couldn't be made the +assistant alderman of my ward, if I wished it, sir--too much +jacobism; the people are fools, sir; know nothing, sir; not fit to +rule themselves, much less their betters, sir. Here have a set of +us, some hundreds in this very town, been telling them what fools +they are, how unfit they are to manage their own affairs, and how +fast they are going to the devil, any time these twenty years, and +still we have not yet persuaded them to entrust one of us with +authority! To say the truth, we are in a most miserable condition, +and, if anything COULD ruin this country, democracy would have +ruined it just thirty-five years ago." + +Here the wailings of Mr. Wriggle were interrupted by the wailings of +Count Poke de Stunnin'tun. The latter, by gazing in admiration at +the speaker, had inadvertently struck his toe against one of the +forty-three thousand seven hundred and sixty inequalities of the +pavement (for everything in Leaplow is exactly equal, except the +streets and highways), and fallen forwards on his nose. I have +already had occasion to allude to the sealer's readiness in using +opprobrious epithets. This contre-temps happened in the principal +street of Bivouac, or in what is called the Wide-path, an avenue of +more than a league in extent; but notwithstanding its great length, +Noah took it up at one end and abused it all the way to the other, +with a precision, fidelity, rapidity and point, that excited general +admiration. "It was the dirtiest, worst paved, meanest, vilest, +street he had ever seen, and if they had it at Stunnin'tun, instead +of using it as a street at all, they would fence it up at each end, +and turn it into a hog-lot." Here Brigadier Downright betrayed +unequivocal signs of alarm. Drawing us aside, he vehemently demanded +of the captain if he were mad, to berate in this unheard-of manner +the touchstone of Bivouac sentiment, nationality, taste, and +elegance! This street was never spoken of except by the use of +superlatives; a usage, by the way, that Noah himself had by no means +neglected. It was commonly thought to be the longest and the +shortest, the widest and the narrowest, the best built and the worst +built avenue in the universe. "Whatever you say or do," he +continued, "whatever you think or believe, never deny the +superlatives of the Wide-path. If asked if you ever saw a street so +crowded, although there be room to wheel a regiment, swear it is +stifling; if required to name another promenade so free from +interruption, protest, by your soul, that the place is a desert! Say +what you will of the institutions of the country--" + +"How!" I exclaimed; "of the sacred rights of monikins?" + +"Bedaub them, and the mass of the monikins, too, with just as much +filth as you please. Indeed, if you wish to circulate freely in +genteel society, I would advise you to get a pretty free use of the +words, 'jacobins,' 'rabble,' 'mob,' 'agrarians,' 'canaille' and +'democrats'; for they recommend many to notice who possess nothing +else. In our happy and independent country it is a sure sign of +lofty sentiment, a finished education, a regulated intellect, and a +genteel intercourse, to know how to bespatter all that portion of +your fellow-creatures, for instance, who live in one-story +edifices." + +"I find all this very extraordinary, your government being +professedly a government of the mass!" + +"You have intuitively discovered the reason--is it not fashionable +to abuse the government everywhere? Whatever you do, in genteel +life, ought to be based on liberal and elevated principles; and +therefore, abuse all that is animate in Leaplow, the present +company, with their relatives and quadrupeds, excepted; but do not +raise your blaspheming tongue against anything that is inanimate! +Respect, I entreat of you, the houses, the trees, the rivers, the +mountains, and, above all, in Bivouac, respect the Wide-path! We are +a people of lively sensibilities, and are tender of the reputations +of even our stocks and stones. Even the Leaplow philosophers are all +of a mind on this subject." + +"King!" + +"Can you account for this very extraordinary peculiarity, +brigadier?" + +"Surely you cannot be ignorant that all which is property is sacred! +We have a great respect for property, sir, and do not like to hear +our wares underrated. But lay it on the mass so much the harder, and +you will only be thought to be in possession of a superior and a +refined intelligence." + +Here we turned again to Mr. Wriggle, who was dying to be noticed +once more. + +"Ah! gentlemen, last from Leaphigh!"--he had been questioning one of +our attendants--"how comes on that great and consistent people?" + +"As usual, sir;--great and consistent." + +"I think, however, we are quite their equals, eh?--chips of the same +blocks?" + +"No, sir--blocks of the same chips." + +Mr. Wriggle laughed, and appeared pleased with the compliment; and I +wished I had even laid it on a little thicker. + +"Well, Mogul, what are our great forefathers about? Still pulling to +pieces that sublime fabric of a constitution, which has so long been +the wonder of the world, and my especial admiration?" + +"They are talking of changes, sir, although I believe they have +effected no great matter. The primate of all Leaphigh, I had +occasion to remark, still has seven joints to his tail." + +"Ah! they are a wonderful people, sir!" said Wriggle, looking +ruefully at his own bob, which, as I afterwards understood, was a +mere natural abortion. "I detest change, sir; were I a Leaphigher, I +would die in my tail!" + +"One for whom nature has done so much in this way, is to be excused +a little enthusiasm." + +"A most miraculous people, sir--the wonder of the world--and their +institutions are the greatest prodigy of the times!" + +"That is well remarked, Wriggle," put in the brigadier; "for they +have been tinkering them, and altering them, any time these five +hundred and fifty years, and still they remain precisely the same!" + +"Very true, brigadier, very true--the marvel of our times! But, +gentlemen, what do you indeed think of us? I shall not let you off +with generalities. You have now been long enough on shore to have +formed some pretty distinct notions about us, and I confess I should +be glad to hear them. Speak the truth with candor--are we not most +miserable, forlorn, disreputable devils, after all?" + +I disclaimed the ability to judge of the social condition of a +people on so short an acquaintance; but to this Mr. Wriggle would +not listen. He insisted that I must have been particularly disgusted +with the coarseness and want of refinement in the rabble, as he +called the mass, who, by the way, had already struck me as being +relatively much the better part of the population, so far as I had +seen things--more than commonly decent, quiet, and civil. Mr. +Wriggle, also, very earnestly and piteously begged I would not judge +of the whole country by such samples as I might happen to fall in +with in the highways. + +"I trust, Mogul, you will have charity to believe we are not all of +us quite so bad as appearances, no doubt, make us in your polished +eyes. These rude beings are spoiled by our jacobinical laws; but we +have a class, sir, that IS different. But, if you will not touch on +the people, how do you like the town, sir? A poor place, no doubt, +after your own ancient capitals?" + +"Time will remedy all that, Mr. Wriggle." + +"Do you then think we really want time? Now, that house at the +corner, there, to my taste is fit for a gentleman in any country-- +eh?" + +"No doubt, sir, fit for one." + +"This is but a poor street in the eyes of you travellers, I know, +this Wide-path of ours; though we think it rather sublime?" + +"You do yourself injustice, Mr. Wriggle; though not equal to many of +the---" + +"How, sir, the Wide-path not equal to anything on earth! I know +several people who have been in the old world [so the Leaplowers +call the regions of Leaphigh, Leapup, Leapdown, etc.] and they swear +there is not as fine a street in any part of it. I have not had the +good fortune to travel, sir; but, sir, permit me, sir, to say, sir, +that some of them, sir, that HAVE travelled, sir, think, sir, the +Wide-path, the most magnificent public avenue, sir, that their +experienced eyes ever beheld, sir--yes, sir, that their very +experienced eyes ever beheld, sir." + +"I have seen so little of it, as yet, Mr. Wriggle, that you will +pardon me if I have spoken hastily." + +"Oh! no offence--I despise the monikin who is not above local +vanities and provincial admiration! You ought to have seen that, +sir, for I frankly admit, sir, that no rabble can be worse than +ours, and that we are all going to the devil, as fast as ever we +can. No, sir, a most miserable rabble, sir.--But as for this street, +and our houses, and our cats, and our dogs, and certain exceptions-- +you understand me, sir--it is quite a different thing. Pray, Mogul, +who is the greatest personage, now, in your nation?" + +"Perhaps I ought to say the Duke of Wellington, sir." + +"Well, sir, allow me to ask if he lives in a better house than that +before us?--I see you are delighted, eh? We are a poor, new nation +of pitiful traders, sir, half savage, as everybody knows; but we DO +flatter ourselves that we know how to build a house! Will you just +step in and see a new sofa that its owner bought only yesterday--I +know him intimately, and nothing gives me so much pleasure as to +show his new sofa." + +I declined the invitation on the plea of fatigue, and by this means +got rid of so troublesome an acquaintance. On leaving me, however, +he begged that I would not fail to make his house my home, swore +terribly at the rabble, and invited me to admire a very ordinary +view that was to be obtained by looking up the Wide-path in a +particular direction, but which embraced his own abode. When Mr. +Wriggle was fairly out of earshot, I demanded of the brigadier if +Bivouac, or Leaplow, contained many such prodigies. + +"Enough to make themselves very troublesome, and us ridiculous," +returned Mr. Downright. "We are a young nation, Sir John, covering a +great surface, with a comparatively small population, and, as you +are aware, separated from the other parts of the monikin region by a +belt of ocean. In some respects we are like people in the country, +and we possess the merits and failings of those who are so situated. +Perhaps no nation has a larger share of reflecting and essentially +respectable inhabitants than Leaplow; but, not satisfied with being +what circumstances so admirably fit them to be, there is a clique +among us, who, influenced by the greater authority of older nations, +pine to be that which neither nature, education, manners, nor +facilities will just yet allow them to become. In short, sir, we +have the besetting sin of a young community--imitation. In our case +the imitation is not always happy, either; it being necessarily an +imitation that is founded on descriptions. If the evil were limited +to mere social absurdities, it might be laughed at--but that +inherent desire of distinction, which is the most morbid and +irritable, unhappily, in the minds of those who are the least able +to attain anything more than a very vulgar notoriety, is just as +active here, as it is elsewhere; and some who have got wealth, and +who can never get more than what is purely dependent on wealth, +affect to despise those who are not as fortunate as themselves in +this particular. In their longings for pre-eminence, they turn to +other states (Leaphigh, more especially, which is the beau ideal of +all nations and people who wish to set up a caste in opposition to +despotism) for rules of thought, and declaim against that very mass +which is at the bottom of all their prosperity, by obstinately +refusing to allow of any essential innovation on the common rights. +In addition to these social pretenders, we have our political +Indoctrinated." + +"Indoctrinated! Will you explain the meaning of the term?" + +"Sir, an Indoctrinated is one of a political school who holds to the +validity of certain theories which have been made to justify a set +of adventitious facts, as is eminently the case in our own great +model, Leaphigh. We are peculiarly placed in this country. Here, as +a rule, facts--meaning political and social facts--are greatly in +advance of opinion, simply because the former are left chiefly to +their own free action, and the latter is necessarily trammelled by +habit and prejudice; while in the 'old region' opinion, as a rule-- +and meaning the leading or better opinion--is greatly in advance of +facts, because facts are restrained by usage and personal interests, +and opinion is incited by study, and the necessity of change." + +"Permit me to say, brigadier, that I find your present institutions +a remarkable result to follow such a state of things." + +"They are a cause, rather than a consequence. Opinion, as a whole, +is everywhere on the advance; and it is further advanced even here, +as a whole, than anywhere else. Accident has favored the foundation +of the social compact; and once founded, the facts have been +hastening to their consummation faster than the monikin mind has +been able to keep company with them. This is a remarkable but true +state of the whole region. In other monikin countries, you see +opinion tugging at rooted practices, and making desperate efforts to +eradicate them from their bed of vested interests, while here you +see facts dragging opinion after them like a tail wriggling behind a +kite. [Footnote: One would think that Brigadier Downright had lately +paid a visit to our own happy and much enlightened land. Fifty years +since, the negro was a slave in New York, and incapable of +contracting marriage with a white. Facts have, however, been +progressive; and, from one privilege to another, he has at length +obtained that of consulting his own tastes in this matter, and, so +far as he himself is concerned, of doing as he pleases. This is the +fact, but he who presumes to speak of it has his windows broken by +opinion, for his pains! NOTE BY THE EDITOR] As to our purely social +imitation and social follies, absurd as they are, they are +necessarily confined to a small and an immaterial class; but the +Indoctrinated spirit is a much more serious affair. That unsettles +confidence, innovates on the right, often innocently and ignorantly, +and causes the vessel of state to sail like a ship with a drag +towing in her wake." + +"This is truly a novel condition for an enlightened monikin nation." + +"No doubt, men manage better; but of all this you will learn more in +the great council. You may, perhaps, think it strange that our facts +should preserve their ascendency in opposition to so powerful a foe +as opinion; but you will remember that a great majority of our +people, if not absolutely on a level with circumstances, being +purely practical, are much nearer to this level, than the class +termed the endoctrinated. The last are troublesome and delusive, +rather than overwhelming." + +"To return to Mr. Wriggle--is his sect numerous?" + +"His class flourishes most in the towns. In Leaplow we are greatly +in want of a capital, where the cultivated, educated, and well- +mannered can assemble, and, placed by their habits and tastes above +the ordinary motives and feelings of the less instructed, they might +form a more healthful, independent, appropriate, and manly public +sentiment than that which now pervades the country. As things are, +the real elite of this community are so scattered, as rather to +receive an impression FROM, than to impart one TO society, The +Leaplow Wriggles, as you have just witnessed, are selfish and +exacting as to their personal pretensions, irritably confident as to +the merit of any particular excellence which limits their own +experience, and furiously proscribing to those whom they fancy less +fortunate than themselves." + +"Good heavens!--brigadier--all this is excessively human!" + +"Ah! it is--is it? Well, this is certainly the way with us monikins. +Our Wriggles are ashamed of exactly that portion of our population +of which they have most reason to be proud, viz., the mass; and they +are proud of precisely that portion of which they have most reason +to be ashamed, viz., themselves. But plenty of opportunities will +offer to look further into this; and we will now hasten to the inn." + +As the brigadier appeared to chafe under the subject, I remained +silent, following him as fast as I could, but keeping my eyes open, +the reader may be very sure, as we went along. There was one +peculiarity I could not but remark in this singular town. It was +this:--all the houses were smeared over with some colored earth, and +then, after all this pains had been taken to cover the material, an +artist was employed to make white marks around every separate +particle of the fabric (and they were in millions), which ingenious +particularity gives the dwellings a most agreeable air of detail, +imparting to the architecture, in general, a sublimity that is based +on the multiplication table. If to this be added the black of the +chevaux-de-frise, the white of the entrance-ladders, and a sort of +standing-collar to the whole, immediately under the eves, of some +very dazzling hue, the effect is not unlike that of a platoon of +drummers, in scarlet coats, cotton lace, and cuffs and capes of +white. What renders the similitude more striking, is the fact that +no two of the same plantoon appear to be exactly of a size, as is +very apt to be the case with your votaries in military music. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + +A FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLE, A FUNDAMENTAL LAW, AND A FUNDAMENTAL ERROR. + + +The people of Leaplow are remarkable for the deliberation of their +acts, the moderation of their views, and the accumulation of their +wisdom. As a matter of course such a people is never in an indecent +haste. Although I have now been legally naturalized, and regularly +elected to the great council fully twenty-four hours, three entire +days were allowed for the study of the institutions, and to become +acquainted with the genius of a nation, who, according to their own +account of the matter, have no parallel in heaven or earth, or in +the waters under the earth, before I was called upon to exercise my +novel and important functions. I profited by the delay and shall +seize a favorable moment to make the reader acquainted with some of +my acquisitions on this interesting topic. + +The institutions of Leaplow are divided into two great moral +categories, viz.: the LEGAL and the SUBSTITUTIVE. The former +embraces the provisions of the great ELEMENTARY, and the latter all +the provisions of the great ALIMENTARY principle. The first, +accordingly, is limited by the constitution, or the Great National +Allegory, while the last is limited by nothing but practice; one +contains the proposition, and the other its deductions; this is all +hypothesis, that, all corollary. The two great political landmarks, +the two public opinions, the bob-upon-bobs, the rotatory action, and +the great and little wheels, are merely inferential, and I shall, +therefore, say nothing about them in my present treatise, which has +a strict relation only to the fundamental law of the land, or to the +Great and Sacred National Allegory. + +It has been already stated that Leaplow was originally a scion of +Leaphigh. The political separation took place in the last +generation, when the Leaplowers publicly renounced Leaphigh and all +it contained, just as your catechumen is made to renounce the devil +and all his works. This renunciation, which is also sometimes called +the DENUNCIATION, was much more to the liking of Leaplow than to +that of Leaphigh; and a long and sanguinary war was the consequence. +The Leaplowers, after a smart struggle, however, prevailed in their +firm determination to have no more to do with Leaphigh. The sequel +will show how far they were right. + +Even preceding the struggle, so active was the sentiment of +patriotism and independence, that the citizens of Leaplow, though +ill-provided with the productions of their own industry, proudly +resorted to the self-denial of refusing to import even a pin from +the mother country, actually preferring nakedness to submission. +They even solemnly voted that their venerable progenitor, instead of +being, as she clearly ought to have been, a fond, protecting, and +indulgent parent, was, in truth, no other than a rapacious, +vindictive and tyrannical step-mother. This was the opinion, it will +be remembered, when the two communities were legally united, had but +one head, wore clothes, and necessarily pursued a multitude of their +interests in common. + +By the lucky termination of the war, all this was radically changed. +Leaplow pointed her thumb at Leaphigh, and declared her intention +henceforth to manage her own affairs in her own way. In order to do +this the more effectually, and, at the same time, to throw dirt into +the countenance of her late step-mother, she determined that her own +polity should run so near a parallel, and yet should be so obviously +an improvement on that of Leaphigh, as to demonstrate the +imperfections of the latter to the most superficial observer. That +this patriotic resolution was faithfully carried out in practice, I +am now about to demonstrate. + +In Leaphigh, the old human principle had long prevailed, that +political authority came from God; though why such a theory should +ever have prevailed anywhere, as Mr. Downright once expressed it, I +cannot see, the devil very evidently having a greater agency in its +exercise than any other influence, or intelligence, whatever. +However, the jus divinum was the regulator of the Leaphigh social +compact, until the nobility managed to get the better of the jus, +when the divinum was left to shift for itself. It was at this epocha +the present constitution found its birth. Any one may have observed +that one stick placed on end will fall, as a matter of course, +unless rooted in the earth. Two sticks fare no better, even with +their tops united; but three sticks form a standard. This simple and +beautiful idea gave rise to the Leaphigh polity. Three moral props +were erected in the midst of the community, at the foot of one of +which was placed the king, to prevent it from slipping; for all the +danger, under such a system, came from that of the base slipping; at +the foot of the second, the nobles; and at the foot of the third, +the people. On the summit of this tripod was raised the machine of +state. This was found to be a capital invention in theory, though +practice, as practice is very apt to do, subjected it to some +essential modifications. The king, having his stick all his own way, +gave a great deal of trouble to the two other sets of stick-holders; +and, unwilling to disturb the theory, for that was deemed to be +irrevocably settled and sacred, the nobility, who, for their own +particular convenience, paid the principal workmen at the base of +the people's stick to stand steady, set about the means of keeping +the king's stick, also, in a more uniform and serviceable attitude. +It was on this occasion that, discovering the king never could keep +his end of the great social stick in the place where he had sworn to +keep it, they solemnly declared that he must have forgotten where +the constitutional foot-hole was, and that he had irretrievably lost +his memory--a decision that was the remote cause of the recent +calamity of Captain Poke. The king was no sooner constitutionally +deprived of his memory, than it was an easy matter to strip him of +all his other faculties; after which it was humanely decreed, as +indeed it ought to be in the case of a being so destitute, that he +could do no wrong. By way of following out the idea on a humane and +Christian-like principle, and in order to make one part of the +practice conform to the other, it was shortly after determined that +he should do nothing; his eldest first-cousin of the masculine +gender being legally proclaimed his substitute. In the end, the +crimson curtain was drawn before the throne. As, however, this +cousin might begin to wriggle the stick in his turn, and derange the +balance of the tripod, the other two sets of stick-holders next +decided that, though his majesty had an undeniable constitutional +right to say who SHOULD BE his eldest first-cousin of the masculine +gender, they had an undoubted constitutional right to say who he +SHOULD NOT BE. The result of all this was a compromise; his majesty, +who, like other people, found the sweets of authority more palatable +than the bitter, agreeing to get up on top of the tripod, where he +might appear seated on the machine of state, to receive salutations, +and eat and drink in peace, leaving the others to settle among +themselves who should do the work at the bottom, as well as they +could. In brief, such is the history, and such was the polity of +Leaphigh, when I had the honor of visiting that country. + +The Leaplowers were resolute to prove that all this was radically +wrong. They determined, in the first place, that there should be but +one great social beam; and, in order that it should stand perfectly +steady, they made it the duty of every citizen to prop its base. +They liked the idea of a tripod well enough, but, instead of setting +one up in the Leaphigh fashion, they just reversed its form, and +stuck it on top of their beam, legs uppermost, placing a separate +agent on each leg, to work their machine of state; taking care, +also, to send a new one aloft periodically. They reasoned thus: If +one of the Leaphigh beams slip (and they will be very apt to slip in +wet weather, with the king, nobles and people wriggling and shoving +against each other), down will come the whole machine of state, or, +to say the least, it will get so much awry as never to work as well +as at first; and therefore we will have none of it. If, on the other +hand, one of our agents makes a blunder and falls, why, he will only +break his own neck. He will, moreover, fall in the midst of us, and, +should he escape with life, we can either catch him and throw him +back again, or we can send a better hand up in his place, to serve +out the rest of his time. They also maintain that one beam, +supported by all the citizens, is much less likely to slip than +three beams, supported by three powers of very uncertain, not to say +unequal, forces. + +Such, in effect, is the substance of the respective national +allegories of Leaphigh and of Leaplow; I say allegories, for both +governments seem to rely on this ingenious form of exhibiting their +great distinctive national sentiments. It would, in fact, be an +improvement, were all constitutions henceforth to be written in this +manner, since they would necessarily be more explicit, intelligible, +and sacred than they are by the present attempt at literality. + +Having explained the governing principles of these two important +states, I now crave the reader's attention, for a moment, while I go +a little into the details of the MODUS OPERANDI, in both cases. + +Leaphigh acknowledged a principle, in the outset, that Leaplow +totally disclaimed, viz., that of primogeniture. Being an only child +myself, and having no occasion for research on this interesting +subject, I never knew the basis of this peculiar right, until I came +to read the great Leaphigh commentator, Whiterock, on the governing +rules of the social compact. I there found that the first-born, +MORALLY considered, is thought to have better claims to the honors +of the genealogical tree, on the father's side, than those offspring +whose origin is to be referred to a later period in connubial life. +On this obvious and highly discriminating principle, the crown, the +rights of the nobles, and indeed all other rights, are transferred +from father to son, in the direct male line, according to +primogeniture. + +Nothing of this is practised in Leaplow. There, the supposition of +legitimacy is as much in favor of the youngest as of the oldest +born, and the practice is in conformity. As there is no hereditary +chief to poise on one of the legs of the great tripod, the people at +the foot of the beam choose one from among themselves, periodically, +who is called the Great Sachem. The same people choose another set, +few in number, who occupy a common seat, on another leg. These they +term the Riddles. Another set, still more numerous and popular in +aspect, if not in fact, fills a large seat on the third leg. These +last, from their being supposed to be supereminently popular and +disinterested, are familiarly known as the Legion. They are also +pleasantly nicknamed the Bobees, an appellation that took its rise +in the circumstance that most of the members of their body have +submitted to the second dock, and, indeed, have nearly obliterated +every sign of a CAUDA. I had, most luckily, been chosen to sit in +the House of Bobees, a station for which I felt myself well +qualified, in this great essential at least; for all the anointing +and forcing resorted to by Noah and myself, during our voyage out, +and our residence in Leaphigh, had not produced so much as a visible +sprout in either. + +The Great Sachem, the Riddles, and the Legion, had conjoint duties +to perform, in certain respects, and separate duties in others. All +three, as they owed their allegorical elevation to, so were they +dependent on, the people at the foot of the great social stick, for +approbation and reward--that is to say for all rewards other than +those which they have it in their power to bestow on themselves. +There was another authority, or agent of the public, that is equally +perched on the social beam, though not quite so dependent as the +three just named, upon the main prop of the people--being also +propped by a mechanical disposition of the tripod itself. These are +termed the Supreme Arbitrators, and their duties are to revise the +acts of the other three agents of the people, and to decide whether +they are or are not in conformity with the recognized principles of +the Sacred Allegory. + +I was greatly delighted with my own progress in the study of the +Leaplow institutions. In the first place, I soon discovered that the +principal thing was to reverse the political knowledge I had +acquired in Leaphigh, as one would turn a tub upside-down, when he +wished to draw from its stores at a fresh end, and then I was pretty +sure of being within at least the spirit of the Leaplow law. +Everything seemed simple, for all was dependent on the common prop, +at the base of the great social beam. + +Having got a thorough insight myself into the governing principles +of the system under which I had been chosen to serve, I went to look +up my colleague, Captain Poke, in order to ascertain how he +understood the great Leaplow Allegory. + +I found the mind of the sealer, according to a beautiful form of +speech already introduced in this narrative, "considerably +exercised," on the several subjects that so naturally presented +themselves to a man in his situation. In the first place, he was in +a towering passion at the impudence of Bob in presuming to offer +himself as a candidate for the great council; and having offered +himself, the rage of the Captain was in no degree abated by the +circumstance of the young rascal's being at the head of the poll. He +most unreservedly swore "that no subordinate of his should ever sit +in the same legislative body with himself; that he was a republican +by birth, and knew the usages of republican governments quite as +well as the best patriot among them; and although he admitted that +all sorts of critters were sent to Congress in his country, no man +ever knew an instance of a cabin-boy's being sent there. They might +elect just as much as they pleased; but coming ashore, and playing +politician were very different things from cleaning his boots, and +making his coffee, and mixing his grog." The captain had just been +waited on by a committee of the Perpendiculars (half the Leaplow +community is on some committee or other), by whom he had been +elected, and they had given notice, that instructions would be sent +in, forthwith, to all their representatives, to perform gyration No. +3, as soon after the meeting of the council as possible. He was no +tumbler, and he had sent for a master of political saltation, who +had just been with him practising. According to Noah's own +statement, his success was anything but flattering. "If they would +give a body room, Sir John," he said, in a complaining accent," I +should think nothing of it--but you are expected to stand shoulder +to shoulder--yard-arm and yard-arm--and throw a flap-jack as handy +as an old woman would toss a johnny-cake! It's unreasonable to think +of wearing ship without room; but give me room, and I'll engage to +get round on the other tack, and to luff into the line again, as +safely as the oldest cruiser among 'em, though not quite so quick. +They do go about spitefully, that's sartain." + +Nor were the Great National Allegories without their difficulties. +Noah perfectly understood the images of the two tripods, though he +was disposed to think that neither was properly secured. A mast +would make but bad weather, he maintained, let it be ever so well +rigged and stayed, without being also securely stepped. He saw no +use in trusting the heels of the beams to anybody. Good lashings +were what were wanted, and then the people might go about their +private affairs, and not fear the work would fall. That the king of +Leaphigh had no memory, he could testify from bitter experience; nor +did he believe that he had any conscience; and, chiefly he desired +to know if we, when we got up into our places on the top of the +three inverted beams, among the other Bobees, were to make war on +the Great Sachem and the Riddles, or whether we were to consider the +whole affair as a good thing, in which the wisest course would be to +make fair weather of it? + +To all these remarks and questions I answered as well as my own +limited experience would allow; taking care to inform my friend that +he had conceived the whole matter a little too literally, as all +that he had been reading about the great political beams, the +tripods, and the legislative boxes, was merely an allegory. + +"And pray, then, Sir John, what may an allegory be?" + +"In this case, my good sir, it is a constitution." + +"And what is a constitution?" + +"Why, it is sometimes as you perceive, an allegory." + +"And are we not to be mast-headed, then, according to the book?" + +"Figuratively, only." + +"But there are actually such critters as the Great Sachem, and +Riddles, and above all, the Bobees!--We are boney fie-diddle-di-dee +elected?" + +"Boney fie-diddle-di-dee." + +"And may I take the liberty of asking, what it is our duty to do?" + +"We are to act practically--according to the literality of the +legal, implied, figurative, allegorical significations of the Great +National Compact under a legitimate construction." + +"I fear we shall have to work doubletides, Sir John, to do so much +in so short a time! Do you mean that, in honest truth, there is no +beam?" + +"There is, and there is not." + +"No fore, main, and mizzen tops, according to what is here written +down?" + +"There is not, and there is." + +"Sir John, in the name of God, speak out! Is all this about eight +dollars a day, no better than a take in?" + +"That, I believe is strictly literal." + +As Noah now seemed a little mollified, I seized the opportunity to +tell him he must beware how he attempted to stop Bob from attending +the council. Members were privileged, going and coming; and unless +he was guarded in his course, he might have some unpleasant +collision with the sergeant-at-arms. Besides, it was unbecoming the +dignity of a legislator to be wrangling about trifles, and he, to +whom was confided the great affairs of a state, ought to attach the +utmost importance to a grave exterior, which commonly was of more +account with his constituents than any other quality. Any one could +tell whether he was grave or not, but it was by no means so easy a +matter to tell whether he or his constituents had the greater cause +to appear so. Noah promised to be discreet, and we parted, not to +meet again until we assembled to be sworn in. + +Before continuing the narrative, I will just mention that we +disposed of our commercial investments that morning. All the +Leaphigh opinions brought good prices; and I had occasion to see how +well the brigadier understood the market by the eagerness with +which, in particular, the Opinions on the State of Society in +Leaplow were bought up. But, by one of those unexpected windfalls +which raise up so many of the chosen of the earth to their high +places, the cook did better than any of us. It will be remembered, +that he had bartered an article of merchandise that he called slush +against a neglected bale of Distinctive Leaplow Opinions, which had +no success at all in Leaphigh. Coming as they did from abroad, these +articles had taken as novelties in Bivouac, and he sold them all +before night, at enormous advances; the cry being that something new +and extraordinary had found its way into the market. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + +HOW TO ENACT LAWS--ORATORY, LOGIC, AND ELOQUENCE; ALL CONSIDERED IN +THEIR EVERY-DAY ASPECTS. + + +Political oaths are very much the same sort of thing everywhere, and +I shall say no more about our inauguration than simply to state it +took place as usual. The two houses were duly organized, and we +proceeded, without delay, to the transaction of business. I will +here state that I was much rejoiced to find Brigadier Downright +among the Bobees, the captain whispering that most probably he had +been mistaken for an "immigrunt," and chosen accordingly. + +It was not a great while before the Great Sachem sent us a +communication, which contained a compte rendue of the state of the +nation. Like most accounts it is my good fortune to receive, I +thought it particularly long. Agreeably to the opinions of this +document, the people of Leaplow were, by a good deal, the happiest +people in the world; they were also considerably more respected, +esteemed, beloved, honored, and properly appreciated, than any other +monikin community, and, in short, they were the admiration and glory +of the universe. I was exceedingly glad to hear this, for some of +the facts were quite new to me; a circumstance which shows one can +never get correct notions of a nation except from itself. + +These important facts properly digested, we all of us set about our +several duties with a zeal that spoke fairly for our industry and +integrity. Things commenced swimmingly, and it was not long before +the Riddles sent us a resolution for concurrence, by way of opening +the ball. It was conceived in the following terms: "Resolved, that +the color which has hitherto been deemed to be black, is really +white." + +As this was the first resolution that involved a principle on which +we had been required to vote, I suggested to Noah the propriety of +our going round to the brigadier, and inquiring what might be the +drift of so singular a proposition. Our colleague answered the +question with great good-nature, giving us to understand that the +Perpendiculars and the Horizontals had long been at variance on the +mere coloring property of various important questions, and the real +matter involved in the resolution was not visible. The former had +always maintained (by always, he meant ever since the time they +maintained the contrary) the doctrine of the resolution, and the +latter its converse. A majority of the Riddles, just at this moment, +are Perpendiculars; and, as it was now seen, they had succeeded in +getting a vote on their favorite principle. + +"According to this account of the matter, Sir John," observed the +captain, "I shall be compelled to maintain that black is white, +seeing that I am in on the Parpendic'lar interest?" + +I thought with the captain, and was pleased that my own legislative +debut was not to be characterized by the promulgation of any +doctrine so much at variance with my preconceived ways of thinking. +Curious, however, to know his opinion, I asked the brigadier in what +light he felt disposed to view the matter himself. + +"I am elected by the Tangents," he said; "and, by what I can learn, +it is the intention of our friends to steer a middle course; and one +of our leaders is already selected, who, at a proper stage of the +affair, is to move an amendment." + +"Can you refer me, my dear friend, to anything connected with the +Great National Allegory that bears on this point?" + +"Why, there is a clause among the fundamental and immutable laws, +which it is thought was intended to meet this very case; but, +unhappily, the sages by whom our Allegory was drawn up have not paid +quite as much attention to the phraseology as the importance of the +subject demanded." + +Here the brigadier laid his finger on the clause in question, and I +returned to a seat to study its meaning. It was conceived as +follows:--Art. IV. Clause 6: "The Great National Council shall, in +no case whatever, pass any law, or resolution, declaring white to be +black." + +After studying this fundamental enactment to the bottom, turning it +on every side, and finally considering it upside-down, I came to the +conclusion that its tenor was, on the whole, rather more favorable +than unfavorable to the Horizontal doctrine. It struck me, a very +good argument was to be made out of the constitutional question, and +that it presented a very fair occasion for a new member to venture +on a maiden speech. Having so settled the matter, entirely to my own +satisfaction, I held myself in reserve, waiting for the proper +moment to produce an effect. + +It was not long before the chairman of the committee on the +judiciary (one of the effects of the resolution was entirely to +change the coloring of all testimony throughout the vast Republic of +Leaplow) made his report on the subject-matter of the resolution. +This person was a Tangent, who had a besetting wish to become a +Riddle, although the leaning of our house was decidedly Horizontal; +and, as a matter of course, he took the Riddle side of this +question. The report, itself, required seven hours in the reading, +commencing with the subject at the epocha of the celebrated caucus +that was adjourned sine die, by the disruption of the earth's crust, +and previously to the distribution of the great monikin family into +separate communities, and ending with the subject of the resolution +in his hand. The reporter had set his political palette with the +utmost care, having completely covered the subject with neutral +tints, before he got through with it, and glazing the whole down +with ultramarine, in such a way as to cause the eye to regard the +matter through a fictitious atmosphere. Finally, he repeated the +resolution, verbatim, and as it came from the other house. + +Mr. Speaker now called upon gentlemen to deliver their sentiments. +To my utter amazement, Captain Poke arose, put his tobacco back into +its box, and opened the debate without apology. + +The honorable captain said he understood this question to be one +implicating the liberties of everybody. He understood the matter +literally, as it was propounded in the Allegory, and set forth in +the resolution; and, as such, he intended to look at it with +unprejudiced eyes. "The natur' of this proposal lay altogether in +color. What is color, after all? Make the most of it, and in the +most favorable position, which, perhaps, is the cheek of a comely +young woman, and it is but skin-deep. He remembered the time when a +certain female in another part of the univarse, who is commonly +called Miss Poke, might have out-rosed the best rose in a placed +called Stunnin'tun; and what did it all amount to? He shouldn't ask +Miss Poke herself, for obvious reasons--but he would ask any of the +neighbors how she looked now? Quitting female natur', he would come +to human natur' generally. He had often remarked that sea water was +blue, and he had frequently caused pails to be lowered, and the +water brought on deck, to see if he could come at any of this +blueing matter--for indigo was both scarce and dear in his part of +the world, but he never could make out anything by the experiment; +from which he concluded that, on the whull, there was pretty much no +such thing as color, at all. + +"As for the resolution before the house, it depended entirely on the +meaning of words. Now, after all, what is a word? Why, some people's +words are good, and other people's words are good for nothing. For +his part, he liked sealed instruments--which might be because he was +a sealer--but as for mere words, he set but little store by them. He +once tuck a man's word for his wages; and the long and short of it +was, that he lost his money. He had known a thousand instances in +which words had proved to be of no value, and he did not see why +some gentlemen wished to make them of so much importance here. For +his part, he was for puffing up nothing, no, not even a word or a +color, above its desarts. The people seemed to call for a change in +the color of things, and he called upon gentlemen to remember that +this was a free country, and one in which the laws ruled; and +therefore he trusted they would be disposed to adapt the laws to the +wants of the people. What had the people asked of the house in this +matter? So far as his knowledge went, they had really asked nothing +in words, but he understood there was great discontent on the +subject of the old colors; and he construed their silence into an +expression of contempt for words in general. He was a Parpendic'lar, +and he should always maintain Parpendic'lar sentiments. Gentlemen +might not agree with him, but, for one, he was not disposed to +jipordyze the liberties of his constituents, and therefore he gave +the rizolution just as it came from the Riddles, without altering a +letter--although he did think there was one word misspelt--he meant +'really,' which he had been taught to spell 'ra'aily'--but he was +ready to sacrifice even his opinions on this point to the good of +the country; and therefore he went with the Riddles, even to their +misprints. He hoped the rizolution would pass, with the entire +unanimity so important a subject demanded." + +This speech produced a very strong sensation. Up to this time, the +principal orators of the house had been much in the practice of +splitting hairs about some nice technicality in the Great Allegory; +but Noah, with the simplicity of a truly great mind, had made a home +thrust at the root of the whole matter; laying about him with the +single-first, I made a few apposite remarks on the necessity of +respecting the vital ordinances of the body politic, and asked the +attention of my hearers while I read to them a particular clause, +which it had struck me had some allusion to the very point now in +consideration. Having thus cleared the way, I had not the folly to +defeat the objects of so much preparation, by an indiscreet +precipitancy. So far from it, previously to reading the extract from +the constitution, I waited until the attention of every member +present was attracted more forcibly by the dignity, deliberation, +and gravity of my manner, than by the substance of what had yet been +said. In the midst of this deep silence and expectation I read +aloud, in a voice that reached every cranny in the hall-- + +"The great council shall, in no case whatever, pass any law, or +resolution, declaring white to be black." + +If I had been calm in the presentation of this authority, I was +equally self-possessed in waiting for its effect. Looking about me I +saw surprise, perplexity, doubt, wonder, and uncertainty in every +countenance, if I did not find conviction. One fact embarrassed even +me. Our friends the Horizontals were evidently quite as much at +fault as our opponents the Perpendiculars, instead of being, as I +had good reason to hope, in an ecstasy of pleasure on hearing their +cause sustained by an authority so weighty. + +"Will the honorable member have the goodness to explain from what +author he has quoted?" one of the leading Perpendiculars at length +ventured to inquire. + +"The language you have just heard, Mr. Speaker," I resumed, +believing that now was the favorable instant to follow up the +matter, "is language that must find an echo in every heart--it is +language that can never be used in vain in this venerable hall, +language that carries with it conviction and command."--I observed +that the members were now fairly gaping at each other with wonder.-- +"Sir, I am asked to name the author from whom I have quoted these +sententious and explicit words--Sir, what you have just heard is to +be found in the Article IV., Clause 6, of the Great National +Allegory--" + +"Order--order--order!" shouted a hundred raven throats. + +I stood aghast, even more amazed than the house itself had been only +the instant before. + +"Order--order--order--order--order!" continued to be yelled, as if a +million of demons were screeching in the hall. + +"The honorable member will please to recollect," said the bland and +ex-officio impartial speaker, who, by the way, was a Perpendicular, +elected by fraud, "that it is out of order to use personalities." + +"Personalities! I do not understand, sir--" + +"The instrument to which the honorable member has alluded, his own +good sense will tell him, was never written by itself--so far from +this, the very members of the convention by which it was drawn up, +are at this instant members of this house, and most of them +supporters of the resolution now before the house; and it will be +deemed personal to throw into their faces former official acts, in +this unheard-of manner. I am sorry it is my duty to say, that the +honorable member is entirely out of order." + +"But, sir, the Sacred National--" + +"Sacred, sir, beyond a doubt--but in a sense different from what you +imagine--much too sacred, sir, ever to be alluded to here. There are +the works of the commentators, the books of constructions, and +specially the writings of various foreign and perfectly +disinterested statesmen--need I name Ekrub in particular!--that are +at the command of members; but so long as I am honored with a seat +in this chair, I shall peremptorily decide against all +personalities." + +I was dumfounded. The idea that the authority itself would be +refused never crossed my mind, though I had anticipated a sharp +struggle on its construction. The constitution only required that no +law should be passed declaring black to be white, whereas the +resolution merely ordered that henceforth white should be black. +Here was matter for discussion, nor was I at all sanguine as to the +result; but to be thus knocked on the head by a club, in the outset, +was too much for the modesty of a maiden speech. I took my seat in +confusion; and I plainly saw that the Perpendiculars, by their +sneers, now expected to carry everything triumphantly their own way. +This, most probably, would have been the case, had not one of the +Tangents immediately got the floor, to move the amendment. To the +vast indignation of Captain Poke, and, in some degree, to my own +mortification, this duty was intrusted to the Hon. Robert Smut. Mr. +Smut commenced with entreating members not to be led away by the +sophistry of the first speaker. That honorable member, no doubt, +felt himself called upon to defend the position taken by his +friends; but those that knew him well, as it had been his fate to +know him, must be persuaded that his sentiments had, at least, +undergone a sudden and miraculous change. That honorable member +denied the existence of color at all! He would ask that honorable +member if he had never been instrumental himself in producing what +is generally called "black and blue color"? He should like to know +if that honorable member placed as little value, at present, on +blows as he now seemed to set on words. He begged pardon of the +house--but this was a matter of great interest to himself--he knew +that there never had been a greater manufacturer of "black and blue +color" than that honorable member, and he wondered at his now so +pertinaciously denying the existence of colors, and at his wish to +underrate their value. For his part, he trusted he understood the +importance of words, and the value of hues; and while he did not +exactly see the necessity of deeming black so inviolable as some +gentlemen appeared to think it, he was not by any means prepared to +go as far as those who had introduced this resolution. He did not +believe that public opinion was satisfied with maintaining that +black was black, but he thought it was not yet disposed to affirm +that black was white. He did not say that such a day might not +arrive; he only maintained that it had not yet arrived, and with a +view to meet that which he believed was the public sentiment, he +should move, by way of amendment, to strike out the whole of the +resolution after the word "really," and insert that which would +cause the whole resolution to read as follows, viz.: + +"Resolved, that the color which has hitherto been deemed to be +black, is really lead-color." + +Hereupon, the Honorable Mr. Smut took his seat, leaving the house to +its own ruminations. The leaders of the Perpendiculars, foreseeing +that if they got half-way this session, they might effect the rest +of their object the next, determined to accept the compromise; and +the resolution, amended, passed by a handsome majority. So this +important point was finally decided for the moment, leaving great +hopes among the Perpendiculars of being able to lay the Horizontals +even flatter on their backs than they were just then. + +The next question that presented itself was of far less interest, +exciting no great attention. To understand it, however, it will be +necessary to refer a little to history. The government of +Leapthrough had, about sixty-three years before, caused one hundred +and twenty-six Leaplow ships to be burned on the high seas, or +otherwise destroyed. The pretence was, that they incommoded +Leapthrough. Leaplow was much too great a nation to submit to so +heinous an outrage, while, at the same time, she was much too +magnanimous and wise a nation to resent it in an every-day and +vulgar manner. Instead of getting in a passion and loading her +cannon, she summoned all her logic and began to reason. After +reasoning the matter with Leapthrough for fifty-two years, or until +all the parties who had been wronged were dead, and could no longer +be benefited by her logic, she determined to abate two-thirds of her +pretensions in a pecuniary sense, and all her pretensions in an +honorary sense, and to compromise the affair by accepting a certain +insignificant sum of money as a salve to the whole wrong. +Leapthrough conditioned to pay this money, in the most solemn and +satisfactory manner; and everybody was delighted with the amicable +termination of a very vexatious and a seemingly interminable +discussion. Leapthrough was quite as glad to get rid of the matter +as Leaplow, and very naturally, under all the circumstances, thought +the whole thing at length done with, when she conditioned to pay the +money. The Great Sachem of Leaplow, most unfortunately, however, had +a "will of iron," or, in other words, he thought the money ought to +be paid as well as conditioned to be paid. This despotic +construction of the bargain had given rise to unheard-of +dissatisfaction in Leapthrough, as indeed might have been expected; +but it was, oddly enough, condemned with some heat even in Leaplow +itself, where it was stoutly maintained by certain ingenious +logicians, that the only true way to settle a bargain to pay money, +was to make a new one for a less sum whenever the amount fell due; a +plan that, with a proper moderation and patience would be certain, +in time, to extinguish the whole debt. + +Several very elaborate patriots had taken this matter in hand, and +it was now about to be presented to the house under four different +categories. Category No. 1, had the merit of simplicity and +precision. It proposed merely that Leaplow should pay the money +itself, and take up the bond, using its own funds. Category No. 2, +embraced a recommendation of the Great Sachem for Leaplow to pay +itself, using, however, certain funds of Leapthrough. Category No. 3 +was a proposal to offer ten millions to Leapthrough to say no more +about the transaction at all. Category No. 4, was to commence the +negotiating or abating system mentioned, without delay, in order to +extinguish the claim by instalments as soon as possible. + +The question came up on the consideration of the different projects +connected with these four leading principles. My limits will not +admit of a detailed history of the debate. All I can do, is merely +to give an outline of the logic that these various propositions set +in motion, of the legislative ingenuity of which they were the +parents, and of the multitude of legitimate conclusions that so +naturally followed. + +In favor of category No 1, it was urged that, by adopting its +leading idea, the affair would be altogether in our own hands, and +might consequently be settled with greater attention to purely +Leaplow interests; that further delay could only proceed from our +own negligence; that no other project was so likely to get rid of +this protracted negotiation in so short a time; that by paying the +debt with the Leaplow funds, we should be sure of receiving its +amount in the good legal currency of the republic; that it would be +singularly economical, as the agent who paid might also be +authorized to receive, whereby there would be a saving in salary; +and, finally, that under this category, the whole affair might be +brought within the limits of a nutshell, and the compass of any +one's understanding. + +In favor of category No. 2, little more than very equivocal +sophisms, which savored strongly of commonplace opinions, were +presented. It was pretended, for instance, that he who signed a bond +was in equity bound to pay it; that, if he refused, the other party +had the natural and legal remedy of compulsion; that it might not +always be convenient for a creditor to pay all the obligations of +other people which he might happen to hold; that if his transactions +were extensive, money might be wanting to carry out such a +principle; and that, as a precedent, it would comport much more with +Leaplow prudence and discretion to maintain the old and tried +notions of probity and justice, than to enter on the unknown ocean +of uncertainty that was connected with the new opinions, by +admitting which, we could never know when we were fairly out of +debt. + +Category No. 3, was discussed on an entirely new system of logic, +which appeared to have great favor with that class of the members +who were of the more refined school of ethics. These orators +referred the whole matter to a sentiment of honor. They commenced by +drawing vivid pictures of the outrages in which the original wrongs +had been committed. They spoke of ruined families, plundered +mariners, and blasted hopes. They presented minute arithmetical +calculations to show that just forty times as much wrong had, in +fact, been done, as this bond assumed; and that, as the case +actually stood, Leaplow ought, in strict justice, to receive exactly +forty times the amount of the money that was actually included in +the instrument. Turning from these interesting details, they next +presented the question of honor. Leapthrough, by attacking the +Leaplow flag, and invading Leaplow rights, had made it principally a +question of honor, and, in disposing of it, the principle of honor +ought never to be lost sight of. It was honorable to PAY ones' +debts--this no one could dispute but it was not so clear, by any +means, that there was any honor in RECEIVING ones' dues. The +national honor was concerned; and they called on members, as they +cherished the sacred sentiment, to come forward and sustain it by +their votes. As the matter stood, Leaplow had the best of it. In +compounding with her creditor, as had been done in the treaty, +Leapthrough lost some honor--in refusing to pay the bond, she lost +still more; and now, if we should send her the ten millions +proposed, and she should have the weakness to accept it, we should +fairly get our foot upon her neck, and she could never look us in +the face again! + +The category No. 4, brought up a member who had made political +economy his chief study. This person presented the following case:-- +According to his calculations, the wrong had been committed +precisely sixty-three years, and twenty-six days, and two-thirds of +a day ago. For the whole of that long period Leaplow had been +troubled with this vexatious question, which had hung like a cloud +over the otherwise unimpaired brightness of her political landscape. +It was time to get rid of it. The sum stipulated was just twenty- +five millions, to be paid in twenty-five annual instalments, of a +million each. Now, he proposed to reduce the instalments to one-half +the number, but in no way to change the sum. That point ought to be +considered as irrevocably settled. This would diminish the debt one- +half. Before the first instalment should become due he would effect +a postponement, by diminishing the instalments again to six, +referring the time to the latest periods named in the last treaty, +and always most sacredly keeping the sums precisely the same. It +would be impossible to touch the sums, which, he repeated, ought to +be considered as sacred. Before the expiration of the first seven +years, a new arrangement might reduce the instalments to two, or +even to one--always respecting the sum; and finally, at the proper +moment, a treaty could be concluded, declaring that there should be +no instalment at all, reserving the point, that if there HAD been an +instalment, Leaplow could never have consented to reduce it below +one million. The result would be that in about five-and-twenty years +the country would be fairly rid of the matter, and the national +character, which it was agreed on all hands was even now as high as +it well could be, would probably be raised many degrees higher. The +negotiations had commenced in a spirit of compromise; and our +character for consistency required that this spirit of compromise +should continue to govern our conduct as long as a single farthing +remained unpaid. + +This idea took wonderfully; and I do believe it would have passed by +a handsome majority, had not a new proposition been presented, by an +orator of singularly pathetic powers. + +The new speaker objected to all four of the categories. He said that +each and every one of them would lead to war. Leapthrough was a +chivalrous and high-minded nation, as was apparent by the present +aspect of things. Should we presume to take up the bond, using our +own funds, it would mortally offend her pride, and she would fight +us; did we presume to take up the bond, using her funds, it would +offend her financial system, and she would fight us; did we presume +to offer her ten millions to say no more about the matter, it would +offend her dignity by intimating that she was to be bought off from +her rights, and she would fight us; did we presume to adopt the +system of new negotiations, it would mortally offend her honor, by +intimating that she would not respect her old negotiations, and she +would fight us. He saw war in all four of the categories. He was for +a peace category, and he thought he held in his hand a proposition, +that by proper management, using the most tender delicacy, and +otherwise respecting the sensibilities of the high and honorable +nation in question, we might possibly get out of this embarrassing +dilemma without actually coming to blows--he said to blows, for he +wished to impress on honorable members the penalties of war. He +invited gentlemen to recollect that a conflict between two great +nations was a serious affair. If Leapthrough were a little nation, +it would be a different matter, and the contest might be conducted +in a corner; our honor was intimately connected with all we did with +great nations. What was war? Did gentlemen know? He would tell them. + +Here the orator drew a picture of war that caused suffering +monikinity to shudder. He viewed it in its four leading points: its +religious, its pecuniary, its political, and its domestic penalties. +He described war to be the demon state of the monikin mind; as +opposed to worship, to charity, brotherly love, and all the virtues. +On its pecuniary penalties, he touched by exhibiting a tax-sheet. +Buttons which cost sixpence a gross, he assured the house, would +shortly cost sevenpence a gross.--Here he was reminded that monikins +no longer wore buttons.--No matter, they bought and sold buttons, +and the effects on trade were just the same. The political penalties +of war he fairly showed to be frightful; but when he came to speak +of the domestic penalties, there was not a dry eye in the house. +Captain Poke blubbered so loud that I was in an agony lest he should +be called to order. + +"Regard that pure spirit," he cried, "crushed as it has been in the +whirlwind of war. Behold her standing over the sod that covers the +hero of his country, the husband of her virgin affections. In vain +the orphan at her side turns its tearful eye upwards, and asks for +the plumes that so lately pleased its infant fancy; in vain its +gentle voice inquires when he is to return, when he is to gladden +their hearts with his presence--" But I can write no more. Sobs +interrupted the speaker, and he took his seat in an ecstasy of +godliness and benevolence. + +I hurried across the house, to beg the brigadier would introduce me +to this just monikin without a moment's delay. I felt as if I could +take him to my heart at once, and swear an eternal friendship with a +spirit so benevolent. The brigadier was too much agitated, at first, +to attend to me; but, after wiping his eyes at least a hundred +times, he finally succeeded in arresting the torrents, and looked +upwards with a bland smile. + +"Is he not a wonderful monikin?" + +"Wonderful indeed! How completely he puts us all to shame!--Such a +monikin can only be influenced by the purest love for the species." + +"Yes, he is of a class that we call the third monikinity. Nothing +excites our zeal like the principles of the class of which he is a +member!" + +"How! Have you more than one class of the humane?" + +"Certainly--the Original, the Representative, and the Speculative." + +"I am devoured by the desire to understand the distinctions, my dear +brigadier." + +"The Original is an every-day class, that feels under the natural +impulses. The Representative is a more intellectual division, that +feels chiefly by proxy. The Speculatives are those whose sympathies +are excited by positive interests, like the last speaker. This +person has lately bought a farm by the acre, which he is about to +sell, in village lots, by the foot, and war will knock the whole +thing in the head. It is this which stimulates his benevolence in so +lively a manner." + +"Why, this is no more than a development of the social-stake system- +-" + +I was interrupted by the speaker, who called the house to order. The +vote on the resolution of the last orator was to be taken. It read +as follows:-- + +"Resolved, that it is altogether unbecoming the dignity and +character of Leapthrough, for Leaplow to legislate on the subject of +so petty a consideration as a certain pitiful treaty between the two +countries." + +"Unanimity--unanimity!" was shouted by fifty voices. Unanimity there +was; and then the whole house set to work shaking hands and hugging +each other, in pure joy at the success of the honorable and +ingenious manner in which it had got rid of this embarrassing and +impertinent question. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + +AN EFFECT OF LOGARITHMS ON MORALS--AN OBSCURATION, A DISSERTATION, +AND A CALCULATION. + + +The house had not long adjourned before Captain Poke and myself were +favored with a visit from our colleague Mr. Downright, who came on +an affair of absorbing interest. He carried in his hand a small +pamphlet; and the usual salutations were scarcely over, before he +directed our attention to a portion of its contents. It would seem +that Leaplow was on the eve of experiencing a great moral eclipse. +The periods and dates of the phenomenon (if that can be called a +phenomenon which was of too frequent occurrence) had been +calculated, with surprising accuracy, by the Academy of Leaphigh, +and sent, through its minister, as an especial favor, to our beloved +country in order that we should not be taken by surprise. The +account of the affair read as follows:-- + +"On the third day of the season of nuts, there will be the +commencement of a great moral eclipse, in that portion of the +monikin region which lies immediately about the pole. The property +in eclipse will be the great moral postulate usually designated by +the term Principle; and the intervening body will be the great +immoral postulate, usually known as Interest. The frequent +occurrence of the conjunction of these two important postulates has +caused our moral mathematicians to be rather negligent of their +calculations on this subject of late years; but, to atone for this +inexcusable indifference to one of the most important concerns of +life, the calculating committee was instructed to pay unusual +attention to all the obscurations of the present year, and this +phenomenon, one of the most decided of our age, has been calculated +with the utmost nicety and care. We give the results. + +"The eclipse will commence by a motive of monikin vanity coming in +contact with the sub-postulate of charity, at 1 A. M. The postulate +in question will be totally hid from view, in the course of 6 h. 17 +m. from the moment of contact. The passage of a political intrigue +will instantly follow, when the several sub-postulates of truth, +honesty, disinterestedness, and patriotism, will all be obscured in +succession, beginning with the lower limb of the first, and ending +with all the limbs of the whole of them, in 3 h. 42 m. from the +moment of contact. The shadow of vanity and political intrigue will +first be deepened by the approach of prosperity, and this will be +soon succeeded by the contact of a great pecuniary interest, at 10 +h. 2 m. 1s.; and in exactly 2 m. and 3-7 s., the whole of the great +moral postulate of Principle will be totally hid from view. In +consequence of this early passage of the darkest shadow that is ever +cast by Interest, the passages of the respective shadows of +ambition, hatred, jealousy, and all the other minor satellites of +Interest, will be invisible. + +"The country principally affected by this eclipse will be the +Republic of Leaplow, a community whose known intelligence and +virtues are perhaps better qualified to resist its influence than +any other. The time of occultation will be 9 y. 7 m. 26 d. 4 h. 16 m. +2 s. Principle will begin to reappear to the moral eye at the end of +this period, first by the approach of Misfortune, whose atmosphere +being much less dense than that of Interest, will allow of imperfect +views of the obscured postulate; but the radiance of the latter will +not be completely restored until the arrival of Misery, whose +chastening colors invariably permit all truths to be discernible, +although through a sombre medium. To resume: + +"Beginning of eclipse, 1 A. M. + +Ecliptic opposition, in 4 y. 6 m. 12 d. 9 h. from beginning of +eclipse. + +Middle, in 4 y. 9 m. 0 d. 7 h. 9 m. from beginning of eclipse. + +End of eclipse, 9 y. 11 m. 20 d. 3 h. 2 m. from beginning. + +Period of occultation, 9 y. 7 m. 26 d. 4 h. 16 m. 2 s." + +I gazed at the brigadier in admiration and awe. There was nothing +remarkable in the eclipse itself, which was quite an every-day +affair; but the precision with which it had been calculated added to +its other phenomena the terrible circumstance of obtaining a glimpse +into the future, I now began to perceive the immense difference +between living consciously under a moral shadow, and living under it +unconsciously. The latter was evidently a trifle compared with the +former. Providence had most kindly provided for our happiness in +denying the ability to see beyond the present moment. + +Noah took the affair even more at heart than myself. He told me, +with a rueful and prognosticating countenance, that we were fast +drawing near to the autumnal equinox, when we should reach the +commencement of a natural night of six months' duration; and +although the benevolent substitute of steam might certainly in some +degree lessen the evil, that it was a furious evil, after all, to +exist for a period so weary without enjoying the light of the sun. +He found the external glare of day bad enough, but he did not +believe he should be able to endure its total absence. "Natur' had +made him a 'watch and watch' critter. As for the twilight of which +so much was said, it was worse than nothin', being neither one thing +nor the other. For his part, he liked things 'made out of whole +cloth.' Then he had sent the ship round to a distant roadstead, in +order that there might be no more post-captains and rear-admirals +among the people; and here had he been as much as four days on +nothing but nuts. Nuts might do for the philosophy of a monkey, but +he found, on trial, that it played the devil with the philosophy of +a man. Things were bad enough as they were. He pined for a little +pork--he cared not who knew it; it might not be very sentimental, he +knew, but it was capital sea-food; his natur' was pretty much pork; +he believed most men had, in some way or other, more or less pork in +their human natur's; nuts might do for monikin natur', but human +natur' loved meat; if monikins did not like it, monikins need not +eat it; there would be so much the more for those who did like it-- +he pined for his natural aliment, and as for living nine years in an +eclipse, it was quite out of the question. The longest Stunnin'tun +eclipses seldom went over three hours--he once knew Deacon Spiteful +pray quite through one, from apogee to perigee. He therefore +proposed that Sir John and he should resign their seats without +delay, and that they should try to get the Walrus to the north'ard +as quick as possible, lest they should be caught in the polar night. +As for the Hon. Robert Smut, he wished him no better luck than to +remain where he was all his life, and to receive his eight dollars a +day in acorns." + +Although it was impossible not to hear, and, having heard, not to +record the sentiments of Noah, still my attention was much more +strongly attracted by the demeanor of the brigadier, than by the +jeremiad of the sealer. To an anxious inquiry if he were not well, +our worthy colleague answered plaintively, that he mourned over the +misfortune of his country. + +"I have often witnessed the passage of the passions, and of the +minor motives, across the disc of the great moral postulate, +Principle; but an occultation of its light by a pecuniary Interest, +and for so long a period, is fearful! Heaven only knows what will +become of us!" + +"Are not these eclipses, after all, so many mere illustrations of +the social-stake system? I confess this occultation, of which you +seem to have so much dread, is not so formidable a thing, on +reflection, as it at first appeared to be." + +"You are quite right, Sir John, as to the character of the eclipse +itself, which, as a matter of course, must depend on the character +of the intervening body. But the wisest and best of our philosophers +hold that the entire system of which we are but insignificant parts, +is based on certain immutable truths of a divine origin. The +premises, or postulates, of all these truths, are so many moral +guides in the management of monikin affairs; and, the moment they +are lost sight of, as will be the case during these frightful nine +years that are to come, we shall be abandoned entirely to +selfishness. Now selfishness is only too formidable when restrained +by Principle; but left to its own grasping desires and audacious +sophisms, to me the moral perspective is terrible. We are only too +much addicted to turn our eyes from Principle, when it is shining in +heavenly radiance, and in full glory, before us; it is not +difficult, therefore, to foresee the nature of the consequences +which are to follow its total and protracted obscuration." + +"You then conceive there is a rule superior to interest, which ought +to be respected in the control of monikin affairs?" + +"Beyond a doubt; else in what should we differ from the beasts of +prey?" + +"I do not exactly see whether this does, or does not accord with the +notions of the political economists of the social-stake system." + +"As you say, Sir John, it does, and it does not. Your social-stake +system supposes that he who has what is termed a distinct and +prominent interest in society, will be the most likely to conduct +its affairs wisely, justly, and disinterestedly. This would be true, +if those great principles which lie at the root of all happiness +were respected; but unluckily, the stake in question, instead of +being a stake in justice and virtue, is usually reduced to be merely +a stake in property. Now, all experience shows that the great +property-incentives are to increase property, protect property, and +to buy with property those advantages which ought to be independent +of property, viz., honors, dignities, power, and immunities. I +cannot say how it is with men, but our histories are eloquent on +this head. We have had the property-principle carried out thoroughly +in our practice, and the result has shown that its chief operation +is to render property as intact as possible, and the bones, and +sinews, and marrow of all who do not possess it, its slaves. In +short, the time has been, when the rich were even exempt from +contributing to the ordinary exigencies of the state. But it is +quite useless to theorize on this subject, for, by that cry in the +streets, the lower limb of the great postulate is beginning to be +obscured, and, alas! we shall soon have too much practical +information." + +The brigadier was right. On referring to the clocks, it was found +that, in truth, the eclipse had commenced some time before, and that +we were on the verge of an absolute occultation of Principle, by the +basest and most sordid of all motives, pecuniary Interest. + +The first proof that was given of the true state of things, was in +the language of the people. The word Interest was in every monikin's +mouth, while the word Principle, as indeed was no more than +suitable, seemed to be quite blotted out of the Leaplow vocabulary. +To render a local term into English, half of the vernacular of the +country appeared to be compressed into the single word "dollar." +"Dollar--dollar--dollar"--nothing but "dollar! Fifty thousand +dollars--twenty thousand dollars--a hundred thousand dollars"--met +one at every turn. The words rang at the corners--in the public +ways--at the exchange--in the drawing-rooms--ay, even in the +churches. If a temple had been reared for the worship of the +Creator, the first question was, how much did it cost? If an artist +submitted the fruits of his labors to the taste of his fellow- +citizens, conjectures were whispered among the spectators, touching +its value in the current coin of the republic. If an author +presented the offspring of his genius to the same arbiters, its +merits were settled by a similar standard; and one divine, who had +made a strenuous, but an ill-timed appeal to the charity of his +countrymen, by setting forth the beauties as well as the rewards of +the god-like property, was fairly put down by a demonstration that +his proposition involved a considerable outlay, while it did not +clearly show much was to be gained by going to heaven! + +Brigadier Downright had good reasons for his sombre anticipations, +for all the acquirements, knowledge, and experience, obtained in +many years of travel, were now found to be worse than useless. If my +honorable colleague and covoyager ventured a remark on the subject +of foreign policy, a portion of politics to which he had given +considerable attention, it was answered by a quotation from the +stock market; an observation on a matter of taste was certain to +draw forth a nice distinction between the tastes of certain liquors, +together with a shrewd investigation of their several prices; and +once, when the worthy monikin undertook to show, from what struck me +to be singularly good data, that the foreign relations of the +country were in a condition to require great firmness, a proper +prudence, and much foresight, he was completely silenced by an +antagonist showing, from the last sales, the high value of lots up +town! + +In short, there was no dealing with any subject that could not +resolve itself into dollars, by means of the customary exchanges. +The infatuation spread from father to son; from husband to wife; +from brother to sister; and from one collateral to another, until it +pretty effectually assailed the whole of what is usually termed +"society." Noah swore bitterly at this antagonist state of things. +He affirmed that he could not even crack a walnut in a corner, but +every monikin that passed appeared to grudge him the satisfaction, +small as it was; and that Stunin'tun, though a scramble-penny place +as any he knew, was paradise to Leaplow, in the present state of +things. + +It was melancholy to remark how the lustre of the ordinary virtues +grew dim, as the period of occultation continued, and the eye +gradually got to be accustomed to the atmosphere cast by the shadow +of pecuniary interest. I involuntarily shuddered at the open and +undisguised manner in which individuals, who might otherwise pass +for respectable monikins, spoke of the means that they habitually +employed in effecting their objects, and laid bare their utter +forgetfulness of the great postulate that was hid. One coolly +vaunted how much cleverer he was than the law; another proved to +demonstration that he had outwitted his neighbor; while a third, +more daring or more expert, applied the same grounds of exultation +to the entire neighborhood. This had the merit of cunning; that of +dissimulation; another of deception, and all of success! + +The shadow cast its malign influence on every interest connected +with monikin life. Temples were raised to God on speculation; the +government was perverted to a money-investment, in which profit, and +not justice and security, was the object; holy wedlock fast took the +aspect of buying and selling, and few prayed who did not identify +spiritual benefits with gold and silver. + +The besetting propensity of my ancestor soon began to appear in +Leaplow. Many of those pure and unsophisticated republicans shouted, +"Property is in danger!" as stoutly as it was ever roared by Sir +Joseph Job, and dark allusions were made to "revolutions" and +"bayonets." But certain proof of the prevalence of the eclipse, and +that the shadow of pecuniary interest lay dark on the land, was to +be found in the language of what are called the "few." They began to +throw dirt at all opposed to them, like so many fish-women: a sure +symptom that the spirit of selfishness was thoroughly awakened. From +much experience, I hold this sign to be infallible, that the +sentiment of aristocracy is active and vigilant. I never yet visited +a country in which a minority got into its head the crotchet it was +alone fit to dictate to the rest of its fellow-creatures, that it +did not, without delay, set about proving its position, by reviling +and calling names. In this particular "the few" are like women, who, +conscious of their weakness, seldom fail to make up for the want of +vigor in their limbs, by having recourse to the vigor of the tongue. +The "one" hangs; the "many" command by the dignity of force; the +"few" vituperate and scold. This is, I believe, the case all over +the world, except in those peculiar instances in which the "few" +happen also to enjoy the privilege of hanging. + +It is worthy of remark that the terms, "rabble," "disorganizers," +"jacobins," and "agrarians," [Footnote: It is scarcely necessary to +tell the intelligent reader there is no proof that any political +community was ever so bent on self-destruction as to enact agrarian +laws, in the vulgar sense in which it has suited the arts of narrow- +minded politicians to represent them ever since the revival of +letters. The celebrated agrarian laws of Rome did not essentially +differ from the distribution of our own military lands, or perhaps +the similitude is greater to the modern Russian military colonies. +Those who feel an interest in this subject would do well to consult +Niebuhr. NOTE BY THE EDITOR.] were bandied from one to the other, in +Leaplow, under this malign influence, with precisely the same +justice, discrimination, and taste, as they had been used by my +ancestor in London, a few years before. Like causes notoriously +produce like effects; and there is no one thing so much like an +Englishman under the property-fever, as a Leaplow monikin suffering +under the same malady. + +The effect produced on the state of parties by the passage of the +shadow of Pecuniary Interest, was so singular as to deserve our +notice. Patriots who had long been known for an indomitable +resolution to support their friends, openly abandoned their claims +on the rewards of the little wheel, and went over to the enemy; and +this, too, without recourse to the mysteries of the "flapjack." +Judge People's Friend was completely annihilated for the moment--so +much so, indeed, as to think seriously of taking another mission-- +for, during these eclipses, long service, public virtue, calculated +amenity, and all the other bland qualities of your patriot, pass for +nothing, when weighed in the scale against profit and loss. It was +fortunate the Leapthrough question was, in its essence, so well +disposed of, though the uneasiness of those who bought and sold land +by the inch, pushed even that interest before the public again by +insisting that a few millions should be expended in destroying the +munitions of war, lest the nation might improvidently be tempted to +make use of them in the natural way. The cruisers were accordingly +hauled into the stream and converted into tide-mills, the gun- +barrels were transformed into gas-pipes, and the forts were +converted, as fast as possible, into warehouses and tea-gardens. +After this, it was much the fashion to affirm that the advanced +state of civilization had rendered all future wars quite out of the +question. Indeed, the impetus that was given, by the effects of the +shadow, in this way, to humanity in gross, was quite as remarkable +as were its contrary tendencies on humanity in detail. + +Public opinion was not backward in showing how completely it was +acting under the influence of the shadow. Virtue began to be +estimated by rent-rolls. The affluent, without hesitation, or, +indeed, opposition, appropriated to themselves the sole use of the +word respectable, while taste, judgment, honesty, and wisdom, +dropped like so many heirlooms quietly into the possession of those +who had money. The Leaplowers are a people of great acuteness, and +of singular knowledge of details. Every considerable man in Bivouac +soon had his social station assigned him, the whole community being +divided into classes of "hundred-thousand-dollar monikins"--"fifty- +thousand-dollar monikins"--"twenty-thousand-dollar monikins." Great +conciseness in language was a consequence of this state of feeling. +The old questions of "is he honest?" "is he capable?" "is he +enlightened?" "is he wise?" "is he good?" being all comprehended in +the single interrogatory of "is he rich?" + +There was one effect of this very unusual state of things, that I +had not anticipated. All the money-getting classes, without +exception, showed a singular predilection in favor of what is +commonly called a strong government; being not only a republic, but +virtually a democracy, I found that much the larger portion of this +highly respectable class of citizens, were not at all backward in +expressing their wish for a change. + +"How is this?" I demanded of the brigadier, whom I rarely quitted; +for his advice and opinions were of great moment to me, just at this +particular crisis--"how is this, my good friend? I have always been +led to think trade is especially favorable to liberty; and here are +all your commercial interests the loudest in their declamations +against the institutions." + +The brigadier smiled; it was but a melancholy smile, after all; for +his spirits appeared to have quite deserted him. + +"There are three great divisions among politicians," he said--"they +who do not like liberty at all--they who like it, as low down as +their own particular class--and they who like it for the sake of +their fellow-creatures. The first are not numerous, but powerful by +means of combinations; the second is a very irregular corps, +including, as a matter of course, nearly everybody, but is wanting, +of necessity, in concert and discipline, since no one descends below +his own level; the third are but few, alas, how few! and are +composed of those who look beyond their own selfishness. Now, your +merchants, dwelling in towns, and possessing concert, means, and +identity of interests, have been able to make themselves remarkable +for contending with despotic power, a fact which has obtained for +them a cheap reputation for liberality of opinion; but, so far as +monikin experience goes--men may have proved to be better disposed-- +no government that is essentially influenced by commerce has ever +been otherwise than exclusive, or aristocratic." + +I bethought me of Venice, Genoa, Pisa, the Hanse Towns, and all the +other remarkable places of this character in Europe, and I felt the +justice of my friend's distinction, at the same time I could not but +observe how much more the minds of men are under the influence of +names and abstractions than under the influence of positive things. +To this opinion the brigadier very readily assented, remarking, at +the same time, that a well-wrought theory had generally more effect +on opinion than fifty facts; a result that he attributed to the +circumstance of monikins having a besetting predisposition to save +themselves the trouble of thinking. + +I was, in particular, struck with the effect of the occultation of +Principle on motives. I had often remarked that it was by no means +safe to depend on one's own motives, for two sufficient reasons; +first, that we did not always know what our own motives were; and +secondly, admitting that we did, it was quite unreasonable to +suppose that our friends would believe them what we thought them to +be ourselves. In the present instance, every monikin seemed +perfectly aware of the difficulty; and, instead of waiting for his +acquaintances to attribute some moral enormity as his governing +reason, he prudently adopted a moderately selfish inducement for his +acts, which he proclaimed with a simplicity and frankness that +generally obtained credit. Indeed, the fact once conceded that the +motive was not offensively disinterested and just, no one was +indisposed to listen to the projects of his friend, who usually rose +in estimation, as he was found to be ingenious, calculating, and +shrewd. The effect of all this was to render society singularly +sincere and plain-spoken; and one unaccustomed to so much +ingenuousness, or who was ignorant of the cause, might, plausibly +enough, suppose, at times, that accident had thrown him into an +extraordinary association with so many ARTISTES, who, as it is +commonly expressed, lived by their wits. I will avow that, had it +been the fashion to wear pockets at Leaplow, I should often have +been concerned for their contents; for sentiments so purely +unsophisticated, were so openly advanced under the influence of the +shadow, that one was inevitably led, oftener than was pleasant, to +think of the relations between meum and tuum, as well as of the +unexpected causes by which they were sometimes disturbed. + +A vacancy occurred, the second day of the eclipse, among the +representatives of Bivouac, and the candidate of the Horizontals +would certainly have been chosen to fill it, but for a contretemps +connected with this affair of motives. The individual in question +had lately performed that which, in most other countries, and under +other circumstances, would have passed for an act of creditable +national feeling; but which, quite as a matter of course, was +eagerly presented to the electors, by his opponents, as a proof of +his utter unfitness to be intrusted with their interests. The +friends of the candidate took the alarm, and indignantly denied the +charges of the Perpendiculars, affirming that their monikin had been +well paid for what he had done. In an evil hour, the candidate +undertook to explain, by means of a handbill, in which he stated +that he had been influenced by no other motive than a desire to do +that which he believed to be right. Such a person was deemed to be +wanting in natural abilities, and, as a matter of course, he was +defeated; for your Leaplow elector was not such an ass as to confide +the care of his interests to one who knew so little how to take care +of his own. + +About this time, too, a celebrated dramatist produced a piece in +which the hero performed prodigies under the excitement of +patriotism, and the labor of his pen was incontinently damned for +his pains; both pit and boxes--the galleries dissenting--deciding +that it was out of all nature to represent a monikin incurring +danger in this unheard-of manner, without a motive. The unhappy +wight altered the last scene, by causing his hero to be rewarded by +a good, round sum of money, when the piece had a very respectable +run for the rest of the season, though I question if it ever were as +popular as it would have been, had this precaution been taken before +it was first acted. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + +THE IMPORTANCE OF MOTIVES TO A LEGISLATOR--MORAL CONSECUTIVENESS, +COMETS, KITES, AND A CONVOY; WITH SOME EVERY-DAY LEGISLATION; +TOGETHER WITH CAUSE AND EFFECT. + + +Legislation, during the occultation of the great moral postulate +Principle by the passage of Pecuniary Interest, is, at the best, but +a melancholy affair. It proved to be peculiarly so with us just at +that moment, for the radiance of the divine property had been a good +deal obscured in the houses, for a long time previously, by the +interference of various minor satellites. In nothing, therefore, did +the deplorable state of things which existed make itself more +apparent, than in our proceedings. + +As Captain Poke and myself, notwithstanding our having taken +different stands in politics, still continued to live together, I +had better opportunities to note the workings of the obscuration on +the ingenuous mind of my colleague than on that of most other +persons. He early began to keep a diary of his expenses, regularly +deducting the amount at night from the sum of eight dollars, and +regarding the balance as so much clear gain. His conversation, too, +soon betrayed a leaning to his personal interests, instead of being +of that pure and elevated cast which should characterize the +language of a statesman. He laid down the position, pretty +dogmatically, that legislation, after all, was work; that "the +laborer was worthy of his hire"; and that, for his part, he felt no +great disposition to go through the vexation and trouble of helping +to make laws, unless he could see, with a reasonable certainty, that +something was to be got by it. He thought Leaplow had quite laws +enough as it was--more than she respected or enforced--and if she +wanted any more, all she had to do was to pay for them. He should +take an early occasion to propose that all our wages--or, at any +rate, his own; others might do as they pleased--should be raised, at +the very least, two dollars a day, and this while he merely sat in +the house; for he wished to engage me to move, by way of amendment, +that as much more should be given to the committees. He did not +think it was fair to exact of a member to be a committee-man for +nothin', although most of them were committee-men for nothin'; and +if we were called on to keep two watches, in this manner, the least +that could be done would be to give us TWO PAYS. He said, +considering it in the most favorable point of view, that there was +great wear and tear of brain in legislation, and he should never be +the man he was before he engaged in the trade; he assured me that +his idees, sometimes, were so complicated that he did not know where +to find the one he wanted, and that he had wished for a cauda, a +thousand times, since he had been in the house, for, by keeping the +end of it in his hand, like the bight of a rope, he might always +have suthin' tangible to cling to. He told me, as a great secret, +that he was fairly tired of rummaging among his thoughts for the +knowledge necessary to understand what was going on, and that he had +finally concluded to put himself, for the rest of the session, under +the convoy of a God-like. He had been looking out for a fit fugleman +of this sort, and he had pretty much determined to follow the signal +of the great God-like of the Parpendic'lars, like the rest of them, +for it would occasion less confusion in the ranks, and enable him to +save himself a vast deal of trouble in making up his mind. He didn't +know, on the whole, but eight dollars a day might give a living +profit, provided he could throw all the thinking on his God-like, +and turn his attention to suthin' else; he thought of writing his +v'y'ges, for he understood that anything from foreign parts took +like wild-fire in Leaplow; and if they didn't take, he could always +project charts for a living. + +Perhaps it will be necessary to explain what Noah meant by saying +that he thought of engaging a God-like. The reader has had some +insight into the nature of one set of political leaders in Leaplow, +who are known by the name of the Most Patriotic Patriots. These +persons, it is scarcely necessary to say, are always with the +majority, or in a situation to avail themselves of the evolutions of +the little wheel. Their great rotatory principle keeps them pretty +constantly in motion, it is true; but while there is a centrifugal +force to maintain this action, great care has been had to provide a +centripetal counterpoise, in order to prevent them from bolting out +of the political orbit. It is supposed to be owing to this +peculiarity in their party organizations, that your Leaplow patriot +is so very remarkable for going round and round a subject, without +ever touching it. + +As an offset to this party arrangement, the Perpendiculars have +taken refuge in the God-likes. A God-like, in Leaplow politics, in +some respects resembles a saint in the Catholic calendar; that is to +say, he is canonized, after passing through a certain amount of +temptation and vice with a whole skin; after having his cause +pleaded for a certain number of years before the high authorities of +his party; and, usually, after having had a pretty good taste of +purgatory. Canonization attained, however, all gets to be plain +sailing with him. He is spared, singular as it may appear, even a +large portion of his former "wear and tear" of brains, as Noah had +termed it, for nothing puts one so much at liberty in this respect, +as to have full powers to do all the thinking. Thinking in company, +like travelling in company, requires that we should have some +respect to the movements, wishes, and opinions of others; but he who +gets a carte blanche for his sentiments, resembles the uncaged bird, +and may fly in whatever direction most pleases himself, and feel +confident, as he goes, that his ears will be saluted with the usual +traveller's signal of "all's right." I can best compare the +operation of your God-like and his votaries, to the action of a +locomotive with its railroad train. As that goes, this follows; +faster or slower, the movement is certain to be accompanied; when +the steam is up they fly, when the fire is out they crawl, and that, +too, with a very uneasy sort of motion; and when a bolt is broken, +they who have just been riding without the smallest trouble to +themselves, are compelled to get out and push the load ahead as well +as they can, frequently with very rueful faces, and in very dirty +ways. The cars whisk about, precisely as the locomotive whisks +about, all the turn-outs are necessarily imitated, and, in short, +one goes after the other very much as it is reasonable to suppose +will happen when two bodies are chained together, and the entire +moving power is given to only one of them. A God-like in Leaplow, +moreover, is usually a Riddle. It was the object of Noah to hitch on +to one of these moral steam-tugs, in order that he too might be +dragged through his duties without effort to himself; an expedient, +as the old sealer expressed it, that would in some degree remedy his +natural want of a cauda, by rendering him nothing but tail. + +"I expect, Sir John," he said, for he had a practice of expecting by +way of conjecture, "I expect this is the reason why the Leaplowers +dock themselves. They find it more convenient to give up the +management of their affairs to some one of these God-likes, and fall +into his wake like the tail of a comet, which makes it quite +unnecessary to have any other cauda." + +"I understand you; they amputate to prevent tautology." + +Noah rarely spoke of any project until his mind was fairly made up; +and the execution usually soon followed the proposition. The next +thing I heard of him, therefore, he was fairly under the convoy, as +he called it, of one of the most prominent of the Riddles. Curious +to know how he liked the experiment, after a week's practice, I +called his attention to the subject, by a pretty direct inquiry. + +He told me it was altogether the pleasantest mode of legislating +that had ever been devised. He was now perfectly master of his own +time, and in fact, he was making out a set of charts for the Leaplow +marine, a task that was likely to bring him in a good round sum, as +pumpkins were cheap, and in the polar seas he merely copied the +monikin authorities, and out of it he had things pretty much his own +way. As for the Great Allegory, when he wanted a hint about it, or, +indeed, about any other point at issue, all he had to do was to +inquire what his God-like thought about it, and to vote accordingly. +Then he saved himself a great deal of breath in the way of argument +out of doors, for he and the rest of the clientele of this Riddle, +having officially invested their patron with all their own parts, +the result had been such an accumulation of knowledge in this one +individual, as enabled them ordinarily to floor any antagonist by +the simple quotation of his authority. Such or such is the opinion +of God-like this or of God-like that, was commonly sufficient; and +then there was no lack of material, for he had taken care to provide +himself with a Riddle who, he really believed, had given an opinion, +at some time or other, on every side of every subject that had ever +been mooted in Leaplow. He could nullify, or mollify, or qualify, +with the best of them; and these, which he termed the three fies, he +believed were the great requisites of a Leaplow legislator. He +admitted, however, that some show of independence was necessary, in +order to give value to the opinion of even a God-like, for monikin +nature revolted at anything like total mental dependence; and that +he had pretty much made up his mind to think for himself on a +question that was to be decided that very day. + +The case to which the captain alluded was this. The city of Bivouac +was divided in three pretty nearly equal parts which were separated +from each other by two branches of a marsh; one part of the town +being on a sort of island, and the other two parts on the respective +margins of the low land. It was very desirable to connect these +different portions of the capital by causeways, and a law to that +effect had been introduced in the house. Everybody, in or out of the +house, was in favor of the project, for the causeways had become, in +some measure, indispensable. The only disputed point was the length +of the works in question. One who is but little acquainted with +legislation, and who has never witnessed the effects of an +occultation of the great moral postulate Principle, by the orb +Pecuniary Interest, would very plausibly suppose that the whole +affair lay in a nutshell, and that all we had to do was to pass a +law ordering the causeways to extend just as far as the public +convenience rendered it necessary. But these are mere tyros in the +affairs of monikins. The fact was that there were just as many +different opinions and interests at work to regulate the length of +the causeways, as there were, owners of land along their line of +route. The great object was to start in what was called the business +quarter of the town, and then to proceed with the work as far as +circumstances would allow. We had propositions before us in favor of +from one hundred feet as far as up to ten thousand. Every inch was +fought for with as much obstinacy as if it were an important breach +that was defended; and combinations and conspiracies were as rife as +if we were in the midst of a revolution. It was the general idea +that by filling in with dirt, a new town might be built wherever the +causeway terminated, and fortunes made by an act of parliament. The +inhabitants of the island rallied en masse against the causeway +leading one inch from their quarter, after it had fairly reached it; +and, so throughout the entire line, monikins battled for what they +called their interests, with an obstinacy worthy of heroes. + +On this great question, for it had, in truth, become of the last +importance by dragging into its consideration most of the leading +measures of the day, as well as six or seven of the principal +ordinances of the Great National Allegory, the respective partisans +logically contending that, for the time being, nothing should +advance a foot in Leaplow that did not travel along that causeway, +Noah determined to take an independent stand. This resolution was +not lightly formed, for he remained rather undecided, until, by +waiting a sufficient time, he felt quite persuaded that nothing was +to be got by following any other course. His God-like luckily was in +the same predicament, and everything promised a speedy occasion to +show the world what it was to act on principle; and this, too, in +the middle of a moral eclipse. + +When the question came to be discussed, the landholders along the +first line of the causeway were soon reasoned down by the superior +interests of those who lived on the island. The rub was, the point +of permitting the work to go any further. The islanders manifested +great liberality, according to their account of themselves; for they +even consented that the causeway should be constructed on the other +marsh to precisely such a distance as would enable any one to go as +near as possible to the hostile quarter, without absolutely entering +it. To admit the latter, they proved to demonstration, would be +changing the character of their own island from that of an entrepot +to that of a mere thoroughfare. No reasonable monikin could expect +it of them. + +As the Horizontals, by some calculation that I never understood, had +satisfied themselves it might better answer their purposes to +construct the entire work, than to stop anywhere between the two +extremes, my duty was luckily, on this occasion, in exact accordance +with my opinions; and, as a matter of course, I voted, this time, in +a way of which I could approve. Noah, finding himself a free agent, +now made his push for character, and took sides with us. Very +fortunately we prevailed, all the beaten interests joining +themselves, at the last moment, to the weakest side, or, in other +words, to that which was right; and Leaplow presented the singular +spectacle of having a just enactment passed during the occultation +of the great moral postulate, so often named. I ought to mention +that I have termed principle a postulate, throughout this narrative, +simply because it is usually in the dilemma of a disputed +proposition. + +No sooner was the result known, than my worthy colleague came round +to the Horizontal side of the house, to express his satisfaction +with himself for the course he had just taken. He said it was +certainly very convenient and very labor-saving to obey a God-like, +and that he got on much better with his charts now he was at liberty +to give his whole mind to the subject; but there was suthin'--he +didn't know what--but "a sort of Stunin'tun feeling" in doing what +one thought right, after all, that caused him to be glad that he had +voted for the whole causeway. He did not own any land in Leaplow, +and therefore he concluded that what he had done, he had done for +the best; at any rate, if he had got nothin' by it, he had lost +nothin' by it, and he hoped all would come right in the end. The +people of the island, it is true, had talked pretty fair about what +they would do for those who should sustain their interests, but he +had got sick of a currency in promises; and fair words, at his time +of life, didn't go for much; and so, on the whole, he had pretty +much concluded to do as he had done. He thought no one could call in +question his vote, for he was just as poor and as badly off now he +had voted, as he was while he was making up his mind. For his part, +he shouldn't be ashamed, hereafter, to look both Deacon Snort and +the Parson in the face, when he got home, or even Miss Poke. He knew +what it was to have a clean conscience, as well as any man; for none +so well knew what it was to be without anything, as they who had +felt by experience its want. His God-like was a very labor-saving +God-like, but he had found, on inquiry, that he came from another +part of the island, and that he didn't care a straw which way his +kite-tail (Noah's manner of pronouncing clientele) voted. In short, +he defied any one to say ought ag'in' him this time, and he was not +sorry the occasion had offered to show his independence, for his +enemies had not been backward in remarking that, for some days, he +had been little better than a speaking-trumpet to roar out anything +his God-like might wish to have proclaimed. He concluded by stating +that he could not hold out much longer without meat of some sort or +other, and by begging that I would second a resolution he thought of +offering, by which regular substantial rations were to be dealt out +to all the human part of the house. The inhumans might live upon +nuts still, if they liked them. + +I remonstrated against the project of the rations, made a strong +appeal to his pride, by demonstrating that we should be deemed +little better than brutes if we were seen eating flesh, and advised +him to cause some of his nuts to be roasted, by way of variety. +After a good deal of persuasion, he promised further abstinence, +although he went away with a singularly carnivorous look about the +mouth, and an eye that spoke pork in every glance. + +I was at home the next day, busy with my friend the brigadier, in +looking over the Great National Allegory, with a view to prevent +falling, unwittingly, into any more offences of quoting its +opinions, when Noah burst into the room, as rabid as a wolf that had +been bitten by a whole pack of hounds. Such, indeed, was, in some +measure, his situation; for, according to his statement, he had been +baited that morning, in the public streets even, by every monikin, +monikina, monikino, brat, and beggar, that he had seen. Astonished +to hear that my colleague had fallen into this disfavor with his +constitutents, I was not slow in asking an explanation. + +The captain affirmed that the matter was beyond the reach of any +explanation it was in his power to give. He had voted in the affair +of the causeway, in strict conformity with the dictates of his +conscience, and yet here was the whole population accusing him of +bribery--nay, even the journals had openly flouted at him for what +they called his barefaced and flagrant corruption. Here the captain +laid before us six or seven of the leading journals of Bivouac, in +all of which his late vote was treated with quite as little ceremony +as if it had been an unequivocal act of sheep-stealing. + +I looked at my friend the brigadier for an explanation. After +running his eye over the articles in the journals, the latter +smiled, and cast a look of commiseration at our colleague. + +"You have certainly committed a grave fault here, my friend," he +said, "and one that is seldom forgiven in Leaplow--perhaps I might +say never, during the occultation of the great moral postulate, as +happens to be the case at present." + +"Tell me my sins at once, brigadier," cried Noah, with the look of a +martyr, "and put me out of pain." + +"You have forgotten to display a motive for your stand during the +late hot discussion; and, as a matter of course, the community +ascribes the worst that monikin ingenuity can devise. Such an +oversight would ruin even a God-like!" + +"But, my dear Mr. Downright," I kindly interposed, "our colleague, +in this instance, is supposed to have acted on principle." + +The brigadier looked up, turning his nose into the air, like a pup +that has not yet opened its eyes, and then intimated that he could +not see the quality I had named, it being obscured by the passage of +the orb of Pecuniary Interest before its disc. I now began to +comprehend the case, which really was much more grave than, at +first, I could have believed possible. Noah himself seemed +staggered; for, I believe, he had fallen on the simple and natural +expedient of inquiring what he himself would have thought of the +conduct of a colleague who had given a vote on a subject so weighty, +without exposing a motive. + +"Had the captain owned but a foot square of earth, at the end of the +causeway," observed the brigadier, mournfully, "the matter might be +cleared up; but as things are, it is beyond dispute, a most +unfortunate occurrence." + +"But Sir John voted with me, and he is no more a free-holder in +Leaplow, than I am myself." + +"True; but Sir John voted with the bulk of his political friends." + +"All the Horizontals were not in the majority; for at least twenty +went, on this occasion, with the minority." + +"Undeniable--yet every monikin of them had a visible motive. This +owned a lot by the wayside; that had houses on the island, and +another was the heir of a great proprietor at the same point of the +road. Each and all had their distinct and positive interests at +stake, and not one of them was guilty of so great a weakness as to +leave his cause to be defended by the extravagant pretension of mere +principle!" + +"My God-like, the greatest of all the Riddles, absented himself, and +did not vote at all." + +"Simply because he had no good ground to justify any course he might +take. No public monikin can expect to escape censure, if he fail to +put his friends, in the way of citing some plausible and +intelligible motive for his conduct." + +"How, sir! cannot a man, once in his life, do an act without being +bought like a horse or a dog, and escape with an inch of character?" + +"I shall not take upon myself to say what MEN can do," returned the +brigadier; "no doubt they manage this affair better than it is +managed here; but, so far as monikins are concerned, there is no +course more certain to involve a total loss of character--I may say +so destructive to reputation even for intellect--as to act without a +good, apparent, and substantial MOTIVE." + +"In the name of God, what is to be done, brigadier?" + +"I see no other course than to resign. Your constituents must very +naturally have lost all confidence in you; for one who so very +obviously neglects his own interests, it cannot be supposed will be +very tenacious about protecting the interests of others. If you +would escape with the little character that is left, you will +forthwith resign. I do not perceive the smallest chance for you by +going through gyration No. 4, both public opinions uniformly +condemning the monikin who acts without a pretty obvious, as well as +a pretty weighty motive." + +Noah made a merit of necessity; and, after some further deliberation +between us, he signed his name to the following letter to the +speaker, which was drawn up on the spot, by the brigadier. + +"Mr. Speaker:--The state of my health obliges me to return the high +political trust which has been confided to me by the citizens of +Bivouac, into the hands from which it was received. In tendering my +resignation, I wish to express the great regret with which I part +from colleagues so every way worthy of profound respect and esteem, +and I beg you to assure them, that wherever fate may hereafter lead +me, I shall ever retain the deepest regard for every honorable +member with whom it has been my good fortune to serve. The emigrant +interest, in particular, will ever be the nearest and dearest to my +heart." Signed, + +"NOAH POKE." + +The captain did not affix his name to this letter without many heavy +sighs, and divers throes of ambition; for even a mistaken politician +yields to necessity with regret. Having changed the word emigrant to +that of "immigrunt," however, he put as good a face as possible on +the matter, and wrote the fatal signature. He then left the house, +declaring he didn't so much begrudge his successor the pay, as +nothing but nuts were to be had with the money; and that, as for +himself, he felt as sneaking as he believed was the case with +Nebuchadnezzar, when he was compelled to get down on all-fours, and +eat grass. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX. + +SOME EXPLANATIONS--A HUMAN APPETITE--A DINNER AND A BONNE BOUCHE. + + +The brigadier and myself remained behind to discuss the general +bearings of this unexpected event. + +"Your rigid demand for motives, my good sir," I remarked, "reduces +the Leaplow political morality very much, after all, to the level of +the social-stake system of our part of the world." + +"They both depend on the crutch of personal Interests, it is true; +though there is, between them, the difference of the interests of a +part and of the interests of the whole." + +"And could a part act less commendably than the whole appear to have +acted in this instance?" + +"You forget that Leaplow, just at this moment, is under a moral +eclipse. I shall not say that these eclipses do not occur often, but +they occur quite as frequently in other parts of the region, as they +occur here. We have three great modes of controlling monikin +affairs, viz., the one, the few, and the many--" + +"Precisely the same classification exists among men!" I interrupted. + +"Some of our improvements are reflected backward; twilight following +as well as preceding the passage of the sun," quite coolly returned +the brigadier. "We think that the many come nearest to balancing the +evil, although we are far from believing even them to be immaculate. +Admitting that the tendencies to wrong are equal in the three +systems (which we do not, however, for we think our own has the +least), it is contended that the many escape one great source of +oppression and injustice, by escaping the onerous provisions which +physical weakness is compelled to make, in order to protect itself +against physical strength." + +"This is reversing a very prevalent opinion among men, sir, who +usually maintain that the tyranny of the many is the worst sort of +all tyrannies." + +"This opinion has got abroad simply because the lion has not been +permitted to draw his own picture. As cruelty is commonly the +concomitant of cowardice, so is oppression nine times out of ten the +result of weakness. It is natural for the few to dread the many, +while it is not natural for the many to dread the few. Then, under +institutions in which the many rule, certain great principles that +are founded on natural justice, as a matter of course, are openly +recognized; and it is rare, indeed, that they do not, more or less, +influence the public acts. On the other hand, the control of a few +requires that these same truths should be either mystified or +entirely smothered: and the consequence is injustice." + +"But, admitting all your maxims, brigadier, as regards the few and +the many, you must yourself allow that here, in your beloved Leaplow +itself, monikins consult their own interests; and this, after all, +is acting on the fundamental principle of the great European social- +stake system." + +"Meaning that the goods of the world ought to be the test of +political power. By the sad confusion which exists among us, at this +moment, Sir John, you must perceive that we are not exactly under +the most salutary of all possible influences. I take it that the +great desideratum of society is to be governed by certain great +moral truths. The inferences and corollaries of these truths are +principles, which come of heaven. Now, agreeably to the monikin +dogmas, the love of money is 'of the earth, earthy'; and, at the +first blush, it would not seem to be quite safe to receive such an +inducement as the governing motive of one monikin, and, by a pretty +fair induction, it would seem to be equally unwise to admit it for a +good many. You will remember, also, that when none but the rich have +authority, they control not only their own property, but that of +others who have less. Your principle supposes, that in taking care +of his own, the elector of wealth must take care of what belongs to +the rest of the community; but our experience shows that a monikin +can be particularly careful of himself, and singularly negligent of +his neighbor. Therefore do we hold that money is a bad foundation +for power." + +"You unsettle everything, brigadier, without finding a substitute." + +"Simply because it is easy to unsettle everything and very difficult +to find substitutes. But, as respects the base of society, I merely +doubt the wisdom of setting up a qualification that we all know +depends on an unsound principle. I much fear, Sir John, that, so +long as monikins are monikins, we shall never be quite perfect; and +as to your social-stake system, I am of opinion that as society is +composed of all, it may be well to hear what all have to say about +its management." + +"Many men, and, I dare say, many monikins, are not to be trusted +even with the management of their own concerns." + +"Very true; but it does not follow that other men, or other +monikins, will lose sight of their own interests on this account, if +vested with the right to act as their substitutes. You have been +long enough a legislator, now, to have got some idea how difficult +it is to make even a direct and responsible representative respect +entirely the interests and wishes of his constituents; and the fact +will show you how little he will be likely to think of others, who +believes that he acts as their master and not as their servant." + +"The amount of all this, brigadier, is that you have little faith in +monikin disinterestedness, in any shape; that you believe he who is +intrusted with power will abuse it; and therefore, you choose to +divide the trust, in order to divide the abuses; that the love of +money is an 'earthy' quality, and not to be confided in as the +controlling power of a state; and, finally, that the social-stake +system is radically wrong, inasmuch as it is no more than carrying +out a principle that is in itself defective." + +My companion gaped, like one content to leave the matter there. I +wished him a good morning, and walked upstairs in quest of Noah, +whose carnivorous looks had given me considerable uneasiness. The +captain was out; and, after searching for him in the streets for an +hour or two, I returned to our abode fatigued and hungry. + +At no great distance from our own door, I met Judge People's Friend, +shorn and dejected, and I stopped to say a kind word, before going +up the ladder. It was quite impossible to see a gentleman, whom one +had met in good society and in better fortunes, with every hair +shaved from his body, his apology for a tail still sore from its +recent amputation, and his entire mien expressive of republican +humility, without a desire to condole with him. I expressed my +regrets, therefore, as succinctly as possible, encouraging him with +the hope of seeing a new covering of down before long, but +delicately abstaining from any allusion to the cauda, whose loss I +knew was irretrievable. To my great surprise, however, the judge +answered cheerfully; discarding, for the moment, every appearance of +self-abasement and mortification. + +"How is this?" I cried; "you are not then miserable?" + +"Very far from it, Sir John--I never was in better spirits, or had +better prospects, in my life." + +I remembered the extraordinary manner in which the brigadier had +saved Noah's head, and was fully resolved not to be astonished at +any manifestation of monikin ingenuity. Still I could not forbear +demanding an explanation. + +"Why, it may seem odd to you, Sir John, to find a politician, who is +apparently in the depths of despair, really on the eve of a glorious +preferment. Such, however, is in fact my case. In Leaplow, humility +is everything. The monikin who will take care and repeat +sufficiently often that he is just the poorest devil going, that he +is absolutely unfit for even the meanest employment in the land, and +in other respects ought to be hooted out of society, may very safely +consider himself in a fair way to be elevated to some of the +dignities he declares himself the least fitted to fill." + +"In such a case, all he will have to do then, will be to make his +choice, and denounce himself loudest touching his especial +disqualifications for that very station?" + +"You are apt, Sir John, and would succeed, if you would only consent +to remain among us!" said the judge, winking. + +"I begin to see into your management--after all, you are neither +miserable nor ashamed?" + +"Not the least in the world. It is of more importance for monikins +of my calibre to seem to be anything than to be it. My fellow- +citizens are usually satisfied with this sacrifice; and, now +principle is eclipsed, nothing is easier." + +"But how happens it, judge, that one of your surprising dexterity +and agility should be caught tripping? I had thought you +particularly expert, and infallible in all the gyrations. Perhaps +the little affair of the cauda has leaked out?" + +The judge laughed in my face. + +"I see you know little of us, after all, Sir John. Here have we +proscribed caudae, as anti-republican, both public opinions setting +their faces against them; and yet a monikin may wear one abroad a +mile long with impunity if he will just submit to a new dock when he +comes home, and swear that he is the most miserable wretch going. If +he can throw in a favorable word, too, touching the Leaplow cats and +dogs--Lord bless you, sir! they would pardon treason!" + +"I begin to comprehend your policy, judge, if not your polity. +Leaplow being a popular government, it becomes necessary that its +public agents should be popular too. Now, as monikins naturally +delight in their own excellences, nothing so disposes them to give +credit to another, as his professions that he is worse than +themselves." + +The judge nodded and grinned. + +"But another word, dear sir--as you feel yourself constrained to +commend the cats and dogs of Leaplow, do you belong to that school +of philocats, who take their revenge for their amenity to the +quadrupeds, by berating their fellow-creatures?" + +The judge started, and glanced about him as if he dreaded a thief- +taker. Then earnestly imploring me to respect his situation, he +added in a whisper, that the subject of the people was sacred with +him, that he rarely spoke of them without a reverence, and that his +favorable sentiments in relation to the cats and dogs were not +dependent on any particular merits of the animals themselves, but +merely because they were the people's cats and dogs. Fearful that I +might say something still more disagreeable, the judge hastened to +take his leave, and I never saw him afterward. I make no doubt, +however, that in good time his hair grew as he grew again into +favor, and that he found the means to exhibit the proper length of +tail on all suitable occasions. + +A crowd in the street now caught my attention. On approaching it, a +colleague who was there was kind enough to explain its cause. + +It would seem that certain Leaphighers had been travelling in +Leaplow; and, not satisfied with this liberty, they had actually +written books concerning things that they had seen, and things that +they had not seen. As respects the latter, neither of the public +opinions was very sensitive, although many of them reflected on the +Great National Allegory and the sacred rights of monikins; but as +respects the former, there was a very lively excitement. These +writers had the audacity to say that the Leaplowers had cut off all +their caudae, and the whole community was convulsed at an outrage so +unprecedented. It was one thing to take such a step, and another to +have it proclaimed to the world in books. If the Leaplowers had no +tails, it was clearly their own fault. Nature had formed them with +tails. They had bobbed themselves on a republican principle; and no +one's principles ought to be thrown into his face, in this rude +manner, more especially during a moral eclipse. + +The dispensers of the essence of lopped tails threatened vengeance; +caricaturists were put in requisition; some grinned, some menaced, +some swore, and all read! + +I left the crowd, taking the direction of my door again, pondering +on this singular state of society, in which a peculiarity that had +been deliberately and publicly adopted, should give rise to a +sensitiveness of a character so unusual. I very well knew that men +are commonly more ashamed of natural imperfections than those which, +in a great measure, depend on themselves; but then men are, in their +own estimation at least, placed by nature at the head of creation, +and in that capacity it is reasonable to suppose they will be +jealous of their natural privileges. The present case was rather +Leaplow than generic; and I could only account for it, by supposing +that nature had placed certain nerves in the wrong part of the +Leaplow anatomy. + +On entering the house, a strong smell of roasted meat saluted my +nostrils, causing a very unphilosophical pleasure to the olfactory +nerves, a pleasure which acted very directly, too, on the gastric +juices of the stomach. In plain English, I had very sensible +evidence that it was not enough to transport a man to the monikin +region, send him to parliament, and keep him on nuts for a week, to +render him exclusively ethereal, I found it was vain "to kick +against the pricks." The odor of roasted meat was stronger than all +the facts just named, and I was fain to abandon philosophy, and +surrender to the belly. I descended incontinently to the kitchen, +guided by a sense no more spiritual than that which directs the +hound in the chase. + +On opening the door of our refectory, such a delicious perfume +greeted the nose, that I melted like a romantic girl at the murmur +of a waterfall, and, losing sight of all the sublime truths so +lately acquired, I was guilty of the particular human weakness which +is usually described as having the "mouth water." + +The sealer had quite taken leave of his monikin forbearance, and was +enjoying himself in a peculiarly human manner. A dish of roasted +meat was lying before him, and his eyes fairly glared as he turned +them from me to the viand, in a way to render it a little doubtful +whether I was a welcome visitor. But that honest old principle of +seamen which never refuses to share equally with an ancient mess- +mate, got the better even of his voracity. + +"Sit down, Sir John," the captain cried, without ceasing to +masticate, "and make no bones of it. To own the fact, the latter are +almost as good as the flesh. I never tasted a sweeter morsel!" + +I did not wait for a second invitation, the reader may be sure; and +in less than ten minutes the dish was as clear as a table that had +been swept by harpies. As this work is intended for one in which +truth is rigidly respected, I shall avow that I do not remember any +cultivation of sentiment which gave me half so much satisfaction as +that short and hurried repast. I look back to it, even now, as to +the very beau ideal of a dinner! Its fault was in the quantity, and +not in quality. + +I gazed greedily about for more. Just then, I caught a glimpse of a +face that seemed looking at me with melancholy reproach. The truth +flashed upon me in a flood of horrible remorse. Rushing upon Noah +like a tiger, I seized him by the throat, and cried, in a voice of +despair: + +"Cannibal! what hast thou done?" + +"Loosen your grip, Sir John--we do not relish these hugs at +Stunin'tun." + +"Wretch! thou hast made me the participator of thy crime! We have +eaten Brigadier Downright." + +"Loosen, Sir John, or human natur' will rebel." + +"Monster! give up thy unholy repast--dost not see a million +reproaches in the eyes of the innocent victim of thy insatiable +appetites?" + +"Cast off, Sir John, cast off, while we are friends, I care not if I +have swallowed all the brigadiers in Leaplow--off hands!" + +"Never, monster! until thou disgorgest thy unholy meal!" + +Noah could endure no more; but, seizing me by the throat, on the +retaliating principle, I soon had some such sensations as one would +be apt to feel if his gullet were in a vice. I shall not attempt to +describe very minutely the miracle that followed. Hanging ought to +be an effectual remedy for many delusions; for, in my case, the +bowstring I was under certainly did wonders in a very short time. +Gradually the whole scene changed. First came a mist, then a +vertigo; and finally, as the captain relaxed his hold, objects +appeared in new forms, and instead of being in our lodgings in +Bivouac, I found myself in my old apartment in the Rue de Rivoli, +Paris. + +"King!" exclaimed Noah, who stood before me, red in the face with +exertion; "this is no boy's play, and if it's to be repeated, I +shall use a lashing! Where would be the harm, Sir John, if a man had +eaten a monkey?" + +Astonishment kept me mute. Every object, just as I had left it the +morning we started for London, on our way to Leaphigh, was there. A +table, in the centre of the room, was covered with sheets of paper +closely written over, which, on examination, I found contained this +manuscript as far as the last chapter. Both the captain and myself +were attired as usual; I a la Parisien and he a la Stunin'tun. A +small ship, very ingeniously made, and very accurately rigged, lay +on the floor, with "Walrus" written on her stern. As my bewildered +eye caught a glimpse of this vessel, Noah informed me that, having +nothing to do except to look after my welfare (a polite way of +characterizing his ward over my person, as I afterward found), he +had employed his leisure in constructing the toy. + +All was inexplicable. There was really the smell of meat. I had also +that peculiar sensation of fulness which is apt to succeed a dinner, +and a dish well filled with bones was in plain view. I took up one +of the latter, in order to ascertain its genus. The captain kindly +informed me that it was the remains of a pig, which had cost him a +great deal of trouble to obtain, as the French viewed the act of +eating a pig as very little less heinous than the act of eating a +child. Suspicions began to trouble me, and I now turned to look for +the head and reproachful eye of the brigadier. + +The head was where I had just before seen it, visible over the top +of a trunk; but it was so far raised as to enable me to see that it +was still planted on its shoulders. A second look enabled me to +distinguish the meditative, philosophical countenance of Dr. +Reasono, who was still in the hussar-jacket and petticoat, though, +being in the house, he had very properly laid aside the Spanish hat +with bedraggled feathers. + +A movement followed in the antechamber, and a hurried conversation, +in a low, earnest tone, succeeded. The captain disappeared, and +joined the speakers. I listened intently, but could not catch any of +the intonations of a dialect founded on the decimal principle. +Presently the door opened, and Dr. Etherington stood before me! + +The good divine regarded me long and earnestly. Tears filled his +eyes, and, stretching out both hands towards me, he asked: + +"Do you know me, Jack?" + +"Know you, dear sir!--Why should I not?" + +"And do you forgive me, dear boy?" + +"For what, sir?--I am sure, I have most reason to demand your pardon +for a thousand follies." + +"Ah! the letter--the unkind--the inconsiderate letter!" + +"I have not had a letter from you, sir, in a twelvemonth; the last +was anything but unkind." + +"Though Anna wrote, it was at my dictation." + +I passed a hand over my brow, and had dawnings of the truth. + +"Anna?" + +"Is here--in Paris--and miserable--most miserable!--on your +account." + +Every particle of monikinity that was left in my system instantly +gave way to a flood of human sensations. + +"Let me fly to her, dear sir--a moment is an age!" + +"Not just yet, my boy. We have much to say to each other, nor is she +in this hotel. To-morrow, when both are better prepared, you shall +meet." + +"Add, never to separate, sir, and I will be patient as a lamb." + +"Never to separate, I believe it will be better to say." + +I hugged my venerable guardian, and found a delicious relief from a +most oppressive burden of sensations, in a flow of tears, + +Dr. Etherington soon led me into a calmer tone of mind. In the +course of the day, many matters were discussed and settled. I was +told that Captain Poke had been a good nurse, though in a sealing +fashion; and that the least I could do was to send him back to +Stunin'tun, free of cost. This was agreed to, and the worthy but +dogmatical mariner was promised the means of fitting out a new +"Debby and Dolly." + +"These philosophers had better be presented to some academy," +observed the doctor, smiling, as he pointed to the family of amiable +strangers, "being already F. U. D. G. E.'s and H. O. A. X.'s. Mr. +Reasono, in particular, is unfit for ordinary society." + +"Do with them as you please, my more than father. Let the poor +animals, however, be kept from physical suffering." + +"Attention shall be paid to all their wants, both physical and +moral." + +"And in a day or two, we shall proceed to the rectory?" + +"The day after to-morrow, if you have strength." + +"And to-morrow?" + +"Anna will see you." + +"And the next day?" + +"Nay, not quite so soon, Jack; but the moment we think you perfectly +restored, she shall share your fortunes for the remainder of your +common probation." + + + + +CHAPTER XXX. + +EXPLANATIONS--A LEAVE-TAKING--LOVE--CONFESSIONS, BUT NO PENITENCE. + + +A night of sweet repose left me refreshed, and with a pulse that +denoted less agitation than on the preceding day. I awoke early, had +a bath, and sent for Captain Poke to take his coffee with me, before +we parted; for it had been settled, the previous evening, that he +was to proceed towards Stunin'tun forthwith. My old messmate, +colleague, co-adventurer, and fellow-traveller, was not slow in +obeying the summons. I confess his presence was a comfort to me, for +I did not like looking at objects that had been so inexplicably +replaced before my eyes, unsupported by the countenance of one who +had gone through so many grave scenes in my company. + +"This has been a very extraordinary voyage of ours, Captain Poke," I +remarked, after the worthy sealer had swallowed sixteen eggs, an +omelet, seven cotelettes, and divers accessories. "Do you think of +publishing your private journal?" + +"Why, in my opinion, Sir John, the less that either of us says of +the v'y'ge the better." + +"And why so? We have had the discoveries of Columbus, Cook, +Vancouver, and Hudson--why not those of Captain Poke?" + +"To own the truth, we sealers do not like to speak of our cruising +grounds--and, as for these monikins, after all, what are they good +for? A thousand of them wouldn't make a quart of 'ile, and by all +accounts their fur is worth next to nothin'." + +"Do you account their philosophy for nothing? and their +jurisprudence?--you, who were so near losing your head, and who did +actually lose your tail, by the axe of the executioner?" + +Noah placed a hand behind him, fumbling about the seat of reason, +with evident uneasiness. Satisfied that no harm had been done, he +very coolly placed half a muffin in what he called his "provision +hatchway." + +"You will give me this pretty model of our good old 'Walrus,' +captain?" + +"Take it, o' Heaven's sake, Sir John, and good luck to you with it. +You, who give me a full-grown schooner, will be but poorly paid with +a toy." + +"It's as like the dear old craft as one pea is like another!" + +"I dare say it may be. I never knew a model that hadn't suthin' of +the original in it." + +"Well, my good shipmate, we must part. You know I am to go and see +the lady who is soon to be my wife, and the diligence will be ready +to take you to Havre, before I return." + +"God bless you! Sir John--God bless you!" Noah blew his nose till it +rung like a French horn. I thought his little coals of eyes were +glittering, too, more than common, most probably with moisture. +"You're a droll navigator, and make no more of the ice than a colt +makes of a rail. But though the man at the wheel is not always awake +the heart seldom sleeps." + +"When the 'Debby and Dolly' is fairly in the water, you will do me +the pleasure of letting me know it." + +"Count on me, Sir John. Before we part, I have, however, a small +favor to ask." + +"Name it." + +Here Noah drew out of his pocket a sort of basso relievo carved in +pine. It represented Neptune armed with a harpoon instead of a +trident; the captain always contending that the god of the seas +should never carry the latter, but that, in its place, he should be +armed either with the weapon he had given him, or with a boat-hook. +On the right of Neptune was an English gentleman holding out a bag +of guineas. On the other was a female who, I was told, represented +the goddess of liberty, while it was secretly a rather flattering +likeness of Miss Poke. The face of Neptune was supposed to have some +similitude to that of her husband. The captain, with that modesty +which is invariably the companion of merit in the arts, asked +permission to have a copy of this design placed on the schooner's +stern. It would have been churlish to refuse such a compliment; and +I now offered Noah my hand, as the time for parting had arrived. The +sealer grasped me rather tightly, and seemed disposed to say more +than adieu. + +"You are going to see an angel, Sir John." + +"How!--Do you know anything of Miss Etherington?" + +"I should be as blind as an old bumboat else. During our late +v'y'ge, I saw her often." + +"This is strange!--But there is evidently something on your mind, my +friend; speak freely." + +"Well, then, Sir John, talk of anything but of our v'y'ge, to the +dear crittur. I do not think she is quite prepared yet to hear of +all the wonders we saw." + +I promised to be prudent; and the captain, shaking me cordially by +the hand, finally wished me farewell. There were some rude touches +of feeling in his manner, which reacted on certain chords in my own +system; and he had been gone several minutes before I recollected +that it was time to go to the Hotel de Castile. Too impatient to +wait for a carriage, I flew along the streets on foot, believing +that my own fiery speed would outstrip the zigzag movement of a +fiacre or a cabriolet tie flace. + +Dr. Etherington met me at the door of his appartement, and led me to +an inner room without speaking. Here he stood gazing, for some time, +in my face, with paternal concern. + +"She expects you, Jack, and believes that you rang the bell." + +"So much the better, dear sir. Let us not lose a moment; let me fly +and throw myself at her feet, and implore her pardon." + +"For what, my good boy?" + +"For believing that any social stake can equal that which a man +feels in the nearest, dearest ties of earth!" + +The excellent rector smiled, but he wished to curb my impatience. + +"You have already every stake in society, Sir John Goldencalf," he +answered--assuming the air which human beings have, by a general +convention, settled shall be dignified--"that any reasonable man can +desire. The large fortune left by your late father, raises you, in +this respect, to the height of the richest in the land; and now that +you are a baronet, no one will dispute your claim to participate in +the councils of the nation. It would perhaps be better, did your +creation date a century or two nearer the commencement of the +monarchy; but, in this age of innovations, we must take things as +they are, and not as we might wish to have them." + +I rubbed my forehead, for the doctor had incidentally thrown out an +embarrassing idea. + +"On your principle, my dear sir, society would be obliged to begin +with its great-grandfathers to qualify itself for its own +government." + +"Pardon me, Jack, if I have said anything disagreeable--no doubt all +will come right in heaven. Anna will be uneasy at our delay." + +This suggestion drove all recollection of the good rector's social- +stake system, which was exactly the converse of the social-stake +system of my late ancestor, quite out of my head. Springing forward, +I gave him reason to see that he would have no farther trouble in +changing the subject. When we had passed an antechamber, he pointed +to a door, and admonishing me to be prudent, withdrew. + +My hand trembled as it touched the door-knob, but the lock yielded. +Anna was standing in the middle of the room (she had heard my +footsteps), an image of womanly loveliness, womanly faith, and +womanly feeling. By a desperate effort, she was, however, mistress +of her emotions. Though her pure soul seemed willing to fly to meet +me, she obviously restrained the impulse, in order to spare my +nerves. + +"Dear Jack!"--and both her soft, white, pretty little hands met me, +as I eagerly approached. + +"Anna!--dearest Anna!"--I covered the rosy fingers with kisses. + +"Let us be tranquil, Jack, and if possible, endeavor to be +reasonable, too." + +"If I thought this could really cost one habitually discreet as you +an effort, Anna?" + +"One habitually discreet as I, is as likely to feel strongly on +meeting an old friend, as another." + +"I think it would make me perfectly happy, could I see thee weep." + +As if waiting only for this hint, Anna burst into a flood of tears. +I was frightened, for her sobs became hysterical and convulsed. +Those precious sentiments which had been so long imprisoned in her +gentle bosom, obtained the mastery, and I was well paid for my +selfishness, by experiencing an alarm little less violent than her +own outpouring of feeling. + +Touching the incidents, emotions, and language of the next half +hour, it is not my intention to be very communicative. Anna was +ingenuous, unreserved, and, if I might judge by the rosy blushes +that suffused her sweet face, and the manner in which she extricated +herself from my protecting arms, I believe I must add, she deemed +herself indiscreet in that she had been so unreserved and ingenuous. + +"We can now converse more calmly, Jack," the dear creature resumed, +after she had erased the signs of emotion from her cheeks--"more +calmly, if not more sensibly." + +"The wisdom of Solomon is not half so precious as the words I have +just heard--and as for the music of spheres--" + +"It is a melody that angels only enjoy." + +"And art not thou an angel?" + +"No, Jack, only a poor, confiding girl; one instinct with the +affections and weaknesses of her sex, and one whom it must be your +part to sustain and direct. If we begin by calling each other by +these superhuman epithets, we may awake from the delusion sooner +than if we commence with believing ourselves to be no other than +what we really are. I love you for your kind, excellent, and +generous heart, Jack; and as for these poetical beings, they are +rather proverbial, I believe, for having no hearts at all." + +As Anna mildly checked my exaggeration of language--after ten years +of marriage I am unwilling to admit there was any exaggeration of +idea--she placed her little velvet hand in mine again, smiling away +all the severity of the reproof. + +"Of one thing, I think you may rest perfectly assured, dear girl," I +resumed, after a moment's reflection. "All my old opinions +concerning expansion and contraction are radically changed. I have +carried out the principle of the social-stake system in the extreme, +and cannot say that I have been at all satisfied with its success. +At this moment I am the proprietor of vested interests which are +scattered over half the world. So far from finding that I love my +kind any more for all these social stakes, I am compelled to see +that the wish to protect one, is constantly driving me into acts of +injustice against all the others. There is something wrong, depend +on it, Anna, in the old dogmas of political economists!" + +"I know little of these things, Sir John, but to one ignorant as +myself, it would appear that the most certain security for the +righteous exercise of power is to be found in just principles." + +"If available, beyond a question. They who contend that the debased +and ignorant are unfit to express their opinions concerning the +public weal, are obliged to own that they can only be restrained by +force. Now, as knowledge is power, their first precaution is to keep +them ignorant; and then they quote this very ignorance, with all its +debasing consequences, as an argument against their participating in +authority with themselves. I believe there can be no safe medium +between a frank admission of the whole principle--" + +"You should remember, dear Goldencalf, that this is a subject on +which I know but little. It ought to be sufficient for us that we +find things as they are; if change is actually necessary, we should +endeavor to effect it with prudence and a proper regard to justice." + +Anna, while kindly leading me back from my speculations, looked both +anxious and pained. + +"True--true"--I hurriedly rejoined, for a world would not tempt me +to prolong her suffering for a moment. "I am foolish and forgetful, +to be talking thus at such a moment; but I have endured too much to +be altogether unmindful of ancient theories. I thought it might be +grateful to you, at least, to know, Anna, that I have ceased to look +for happiness in my affections for all, and am only so much the +better disposed to turn in search of it to one," + +"To love our neighbor as ourself, is the latest and highest of the +divine commands," the dear girl answered, looking a thousand times +more lovely than ever, for my conclusion was very far from being +displeasing to her. "I do not know that this object is to be +attained by centring in our persons as many of the goods of life as +possible; but I do think, Jack, that the heart which loves one +truly, will be so much the better disposed to entertain kind +feelings towards all others." + +I kissed the hand she had given me, and we now began to talk a +little more like people of the world, concerning our movements. The +interview lasted an hour longer, when the heaven. "You never yet +were so unkind to one who was offensive; much less could you +willingly have plotted this cruelty to one you regard!" + +Anna could no longer control herself, but her cheeks were wetted +with the usual signs of feeling in her sex. Then smiling in the +midst of this little outbreaking of womanly sensibility, her +countenance became playful and radiant. + +"That letter ought not to be altogether proscribed, neither, Jack. +Had it not been written, you would never have visited Leaphigh, nor +Leaplow, nor have seen any of those wonderful spectacles which are +here recorded." + +The dear creature laid her hand on a roll of manuscript which she +had just returned to me, after its perusal. At the same time, her +face flushed, as vivid and transient feelings are reflected from the +features of the innocent and ingenuous, and she made a faint effort +to laugh. + +I passed a hand over my brow, for whenever this subject is alluded +to between us, I invariably feel that there is a species of +mistiness, in and about the region of thought. I was not displeased, +however, for I knew that a heart which loved so truly would not +willingly cause me pain, nor would one habitually so gentle and +considerate, utter a syllable that she might have reason to think +would seriously displease. + +"Hadst thou been with me, love, that journey would always be +remembered as one of the pleasantest events of my life, for, while +it had its perils and its disagreeables, it had also its moments of +extreme satisfaction." + +"You will never be an adept in political saltation, John!" + +"Perhaps not--but here is a document that will render it less +necessary than formerly." + +I threw her a packet which had been received that morning from town, +by a special messenger, but of whose contents I had not yet spoken. +Anna was too young a wife to open it without an approving look from +my fond eye. On glancing over its contents, she perceived that I was +raised to the House of Peers by the title of Viscount Householder. +The purchase of three more boroughs, and the influence of my old +friend Lord Pledge, had done it all. + +The sweet girl looked pleased, for I believe it is in female nature +to like to be a viscountess; but, throwing herself into my arms, she +protested that her joy was at my elevation and not at her own. + +"I owed you this effort, Anna, as some acknowledgment for your faith +and disinterestedness in the affair of Lord M'Dee." + +"And yet, Jack, he had neither high cheek-bones, nor red hair; and +his accent was such as might please a girl less capricious than +myself!" + +This was said playfully and coquettishly, but in a way to make me +feel how near folly would have been to depriving me of a treasure, +had the heart I so much prized been less ingenuous and pure. I drew +the dear creature to my bosom, as if afraid my rival might yet rob +me of her possession. Anna looked up, smiling through her tears; +and, making an effort to be calm, she said, in a voice so smothered +as to prove how delicate she felt the subject to be:-- + +"We will speak seldom of this journey, dear John, and try to think +of the long and dark journey which is yet before us. We will speak +of it, however, for there should be nothing totally concealed +between us." + +I kissed her serene and humid eyes, and repeated what she had just +said, syllable for syllable. Anna has not been unmindful of her +words; for rarely, indeed, has she touched on the past, and then +oftener in allusion to her own sorrows, than in reference to my +impressions. + +But, while the subject of my voyage to the monikin region is, in a +measure, forbidden between me and my wife, there exists no such +restraint as between me and other people. The reader may like to +know, therefore, what effect this extraordinary adventure has left +on my mind, after an interval of ten years. + +There have been moments when the whole has appeared a dream; but, on +looking back, and comparing it with other scenes in which I have +been an actor, I cannot perceive that this is not quite as indelibly +stamped on my memory as those. The facts themselves, moreover, are +so very like what I see daily in the course of occurrence around me, +that I have come to the conclusion, I did go to Leaphigh in the way +related, and that I must have been brought back during the temporary +insanity of a fever. I believe, therefore, that there are such +countries as Leaphigh and Leaplow; and after much thought, I am of +opinion that great justice has here been done to the monikin +character in general. + +The result of much meditation on what I witnessed, has been to +produce sundry material changes in my former opinions, and to +unsettle even many of the notions in which I may be said to have +been born and bred. In order to consume as little of the reader's +time as possible, I shall set down a summary of my conclusions, and +then take my leave of him, with many thanks for his politeness in +reading what I have written. Before completing my task in this way, +however, it will be well to add a word on the subject of one or two +of my fellow-travellers. + +I never could make up my mind relating to the fact whether we did or +did not actually eat Brigadier Downright. The flesh was so savory, +and it tasted so delicious after a week of philosophical meditation +on nuts, and the recollection of its pleasures is so very vivid, +that I am inclined to think nothing but a good material dinner could +have left behind it impressions so lively, I have had many +melancholy thoughts on this subject, especially in November; but +observing that men are constantly devouring each other, in one shape +or another, I endeavor to make the best of it, and to persuade +myself that a slight difference in species may exonerate me from the +imputation of cannibalism. + +I often get letters from Captain Poke. He is not very explicit on +the subject of our voyage, it is true; but, on the whole, I have +decided that the little ship he constructed was built on the model +of, and named after, our own Walrus instead of our own Walrus being +built on the model of, and named after, the little ship constructed +by Captain Poke. I keep the latter, therefore, to show my friends as +a proof of what I tell them, knowing the importance of visible +testimony with ordinary minds. + +As for Bob and the mates, I never heard any more of them. The former +most probably continued a "kickee" until years and experience +enabled him to turn the tables on humanity, when, as is usually the +case with Christians, he would be very likely to take up the +business of a "kicker" with so much the greater zeal on account of +his early sufferings. + +To conclude, my own adventures and observations lead to the +following inferences, viz.: + +That every man loves liberty for his own sake and very few for the +sake of other people. + +That moral saltation is very necessary to political success at +Leaplow, and quite probably in many other places. + +That civilization is very arbitrary, meaning one thing in France, +another thing at Leaphigh, and still a third in Dorsetshire. + +That there is no sensible difference between motives in the polar +region and motives anywhere else. + +That truth is a comparative and local property, being much +influenced by circumstances; particularly by climate and by +different public opinions. + +That there is no portion of human wisdom so select and faultless +that it does not contain the seeds of its own refutation. + +That of all the 'ocracies (aristocracy and democracy included) +hypocrisy is the most flourishing. + +That he who is in the clutches of the law may think himself lucky if +he escape with the loss of his tail. + +That liberty is a convertible term, which means exclusive privileges +in one country, no privileges in another, and inclusive privileges +in all. + +That religion is a paradox, in which self-denial and humility are +proposed as tenets, in direct contradiction to every man's senses. + +That phrenology and caudology are sister sciences, one being quite +as demonstrable as the other, and more too. + +That philosophy, sound principles and virtue, are really delightful; +but, after all, that they are no more than so many slaves of the +belly; a man usually preferring to eat his best friend to starving. + +That a little wheel and a great wheel are as necessary to the motion +of a commonweath, as to the motion of a stage-coach, and that what +this gains in periphery that makes up in activity, on the rotatory +principle. + +That it is one thing to have a king, another to have a throne, and +another to have neither. + +That the reasoning which is drawn from particular abuses, is no +reasoning for general uses. + +That, in England, if we did not use blinkers, our cattle would break +our necks; whereas, in Germany we travel at a good pace, allowing +the horse the use of his eyes; and in Naples we fly, without even a +bit! + +That the converse of what has just been said of horses is true of +men, in the three countries named. + +That occultations of truth are just as certain as the aurora boreal +is, and quite as easily accounted for. + +That men who will not shrink from the danger and toil of penetrating +the polar basin, will shrink from the trouble of doing their own +thinking, and put themselves, like Captain Poke, under the convoy of +a God-like. + +That all our wisdom is insufficient to protect us from frauds, one +outwitting us by gyrations and flapjacks, and another by adding new +joints to the cauda. + +That men are not very scrupulous touching the humility due to God, +but are so tenacious of their own privileges in this particular, +they will confide in plausible rogues rather than in plain-dealing +honesty. + +That they who rightly appreciate the foregoing facts, are People's +Friends, and become the salt of the earth--yea, even the Most +Patriotic Patriots! + +That it is fortunate "all will come right in heaven," for it is +certain too much goes wrong on earth. + +That the social-stake system has one distinctive merit: that of +causing the owners of vested rights to set their own interests in +motion, while those of their fellow-citizens must follow, as a +matter of course, though perhaps a little clouded by the dust raised +by their leaders. + +That he who has an Anna, has the best investment in humanity; and +that if he has any repetition of his treasure, it is better still. + +That money commonly purifies the spirit as wine quenches thirst; and +therefore it is wise to commit all our concerns to the keeping of +those who have most of it. + +That others seldom regard us in the same light we regard ourselves; +witness the manner in which Dr. Reasono converted me from a +benefactor into the travelling tutor of Prince Bob. + +That honors are sweet even to the most humble, as is shown by the +satisfaction of Noah in being made a lord high admiral. + +That there is no such stimulant of humanity, as a good moneyed stake +in its advancement. + +That though the mind may be set on a very improper and base object, +it will not fail to seek a good motive for its justification, few +men being so hardened in any grovelling passion, that they will not +endeavor to deceive themselves, as well as their neighbors. + +That academies promote good fellowship in knowledge, and good +fellowship in knowledge promotes F. U. D. G. E.'s, and H. O. A. +X.'s. + +That a political rolling-pin, though a very good thing to level +rights and privileges, is a very bad thing to level houses, temples, +and other matters that might be named. + +That the system of governing by proxy is more extended than is +commonly supposed; in one country a king resorting to its use, and +in another the people. + +That there is no method by which a man can be made to covet a tail, +so sure as by supplying all his neighbors, and excluding him by an +especial edict. + +That the perfection of consistency in a nation, is to dock itself at +home, while its foreign agents furiously cultivate caudae abroad. + +That names are far more useful than things, being more generally +understood, less liable to objections, of greater circulation, +besides occupying much less room. + +That ambassadors turn the back of the throne outward, aristocrats +draw a crimson curtain before it, and a king sits on it. + +That nature has created inequalities in men and things, and, as +human institutions are intended to prevent the strong from +oppressing the weak, ergo, the laws should encourage natural +inequalities as a legitimate consequence. + +That, moreover, the laws of nature having made one man wise and +another man foolish--this strong, and that weak, human laws should +reverse it all, by making another man wise and one man foolish--that +strong, and this weak. On this conclusion I obtained a peerage. + +That God-likes are commonly Riddles, and Riddles, with many people, +are, as a matter of course, God-likes. That the expediency of +establishing the base of society on a principle of the most sordid +character, one that is denounced by the revelations of God, and +proved to be insufficient by the experience of man, may at least be +questioned without properly subjecting the dissenter to the +imputation of being a sheep-stealer. + +That we seldom learn moderation under any political excitement, +until forty thousand square miles of territory are blown from +beneath our feet. + +That it is not an infallible sign of great mental refinement to +bespatter our fellow-creatures, while every nerve is writhing in +honor of our pigs, our cats, our stocks, and our stones. + +That select political wisdom, like select schools, propagates much +questionable knowledge. + +That the whole people is not infallible, neither is a part of the +people infallible. + +That love for the species is a godlike and pure sentiment; but the +philanthropy which is dependent on buying land by the square mile, +and selling it by the square foot, is stench in the nostrils of the +just. + +That one thoroughly imbued with republican simplicity invariably +squeezes himself into a little wheel, in order to show how small he +can become at need. + +That habit is invincible, an Esquimaux preferring whale's blubber to +beefsteak, a native of the Gold Coast cherishing his tom-tom before +a band of music, and certain travelled countrymen of our own saying, +"Commend me to the English skies." + +That arranging a fact by reason is embarrassing, and admits of +cavilling; while adapting a reason to a fact is a very natural, +easy, every-day, and sometimes necessary, process. + +That what men affirm for their own particular interests they will +swear to in the end, although it should be a proposition as much +beyond the necessity of an oath, as that "black is white." + +That national allegories exist everywhere, the only difference +between them arising from gradations in the richness of +imaginations. + +And finally:-- + +That men have more of the habits, propensities, dispositions, +cravings, antics, gratitude, flapjacks, and honesty of monikins, +than is generally known. + +THE END. + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg Etext of The Monikins, by J. Fenimore Cooper + diff --git a/old/mnkns10.zip b/old/mnkns10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..28fc3d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/mnkns10.zip |